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programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_senior_php_developer | Backward compatibility is overrated.
Do you know how many jobs were created because of that PHP 7 thing? Alright, let's start Let's maybe avoid all the PHP jokes. I told my friends I'm a PHP dev.
Now you have no friends.
PHP is not dead, is it? Split, split, split, explode WordPress, Joomla, RuPaul, Tupac, and a million others. They all can't be wrong. Wikipedia and Facebook use PHP. Well, used PHP. It's a hacky programming language. Using PHP allows you to support a hacker culture and getting hacked. It's like saying a knife can be used for bad things, but does that make a knife bad? No, but on a serious note, the web one wouldn't have existed without PHP and the web two wouldn't be as cautious of security issues. Xam, Apache, MariaDB, PHP, Perl.
Perfect recipe for disaster. Of course we use it. MAMP, LAMP, WAMP, Guitar Amp. They all lost their job because of cloud.
We still use WAMP and we're on that. PHP my admin almost feels nostalgic. Well, now it's being developed by the community. So we call it our admin or PHP looking for an admin. Some people still use it. Well, some people still use IE6. Object-oriented programming was introduced in PHP 3, became usable in PHP 4 and started being used in PHP 5. 8 out of 10 websites run on PHP. 8 out of 10 websites are susceptible to security attacks, but now ours is the 2 out of 10.
Dynamic types. Type inference.
PHP is not dead. There is PHP 5.6 and there is PHP 7. We don't really talk about what happened in between. Backward compatibility is overrated. It always helps rewriting code, especially in PHP. Do you know how many jobs were created because of that PHP 7 thing?
Well, I got one and I'm proud of it.
The session is super global with no controls around it. The cookie is super global when using util sometimes the subject is first, sometimes it's last.
It's a bit of an art to understand it. Well, I still don't understand it and that's okay.
Multi-threaded. Single threaded. Yeah, it has the inherent performance disadvantages all interpreted languages have.
Include once. Like why would you include multiple times?
Let's talk about SQL injection. Well, let's not get off topic here. There's enough wrong with PHP itself.
Alright, now I'm joking. Or maybe not. Who knows in this language? Well, I certainly don't. If you do use any of them, let me review your code first. It's likely there's something wrong with it.
More jobs. All this, these are mostly just comments.
Vardump is like an evolution of print. Vardump.
Only in PHP. What does PHP stand for?
Power. Purposeful. Hyper. Power. Language.
It's like either you use Laravel or you just don't use PHP. Laravel is one of the best frameworks out there among all ecosystems. Laravel is a full stack framework. By full stack, we mean that you're going to use Laravel to do the app routing and the data handling.
And you're going to use JavaScript for the front end. It's 2022. JavaScript, I mean PHP is everywhere. Except in all sane services on the internet. Bringing PHP back in 2022. Or maybe not. And you're going to use JavaScript. But once you use Laravel, it's allowed to use PHP. And all those things will be in PHP 9 in 2035.
Yeah, I've been homeless for a while, but luckily I found a new job. I take off the trash for the neighbors.
No, I'm not a PHP dev. Bringing PHP back in 2022. Or maybe not.
Oh, it's Laravel 5 won't work with your PHP 7. Oh, it's Laravel 5.2 should work with your 7.1. Oh, it's PHP 5 won't work with your PHP 7. Oh, it's Laravel 5.8 won't work with your PHP 7.1.2.
Let me tell you about Laravel 5.9. But let me tell you PHP devs are not paid badly. We see dollar signs all the time. PHP is everywhere. It's not going to die. PHP used to be a good language and it still is. Have you heard of Laravel? |
cracked | the_invention_of_homelessness_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Stoves? Yeah, I could see that fire in a box. Sure. Yeah. Yeah something to heat up our food.
Oh indoors All right, like that's where we're at, you know My tribe I bring tidings just erk it's erk everyone Man I did not recognize you How long have you been hunting and gathering buddy, uh Not sure what what time did you leave? What is time? Oh, wow. That is a while then. Yeah How many moons Have passed through the heavens. I have seen many moons. I have been hot and Cold then hot again. I have seen ah endless waters It's a couple years.
Yeah, that makes a lot of talk What must be explained can be explained in the community pit that I might rest my feet And bathe with all of you and relieve myself right there in the water that we're bathing in maybe Drink some we'll see how we feel. This is really bad guys What understand Eric you've been gone for a long time the community pits not really a thing anymore then Where do we all sleep in a pile that our body lice might intermingle and our genitals? casually mushed together Like we don't Anymore and we have houses now. So how says yeah Those things yeah, they're much better got roofs and walls Protect us separate rooms for privacy and the concept of shame incidentally storage warmth our own personal iced It's pretty great. So did you build me one? Really our responsibility man, I got I built mine so it's mine Right, not really fair to put your burdens on me sorry, oh could I Stay with one of you then until I build my own house A homeless man John really in the house in our new house.
Okay. Yeah It's not gonna work out You understand just give me some money then Wow No, is that okay? Yeah, I got Earth the economy is what? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hey, wait. No, just a little so I can get back on my feet We have a card. Oh, come on Spare some change.
You don't need a Jesus. No speak English So yeah, don't look at him. He's just gonna spend it all on looking toads anywhere. Oh, oh Well, you think you're better than our car This is elk shit House days are probably just a conspiracy from the people on the moons Your own just doing what the fat cats from big moon want you to do Neighborhoods really gone downhill Hi, thanks for watching our videos subscribe for more of them and it'll be a home run |
TheOnion | Late_Night_Host_Eviscerates_Journalism_Industry_For_Existing_Even_Though_His_Show_Already_Does | Folks, you know what these stacks of paper mean. It's time to inform. Over the last month, we've dug deeper than we ever have before to expose a shocking truth festering right under our noses. And no, I'm not talking about President Chumpernickel. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about the journalism industry. Right now, in every town and city across America, there are literally thousands of journalists wasting precious time and money reporting on current events, despite the fact that you're right gives the definitive take on every story that could conceivably matter in 30 minutes every week. Now, I first discovered this industry existed a few days ago when I placed my latte on top of one of those big red coffee holders on the corner of Prince and Mercer.
It was then that I realized there was something inside the box. And what was inside the box was much more insidious than I ever could have imagined.
Pages and pages of words about the economy. President he who must be dumped. Wars and even small politically wonky issues only I can make relevant and interesting. Yet no one, no one is talking about how wasteful and redundant this is in the face of my weekly takedowns and eviscerations. What's worse, my research team found out that this was not an isolated incident. In fact, it's an epidemic. We've unearthed evidence of multiple national newspapers circulating around the country, thousands of regional and local periodicals, as well as countless websites and television channels dedicated to delivering the news day by day, minute by minute. They're even teaching this stuff in our schools. I know, I know, but these are facts we simply can't ignore anymore. Facts like the New York Times employing 3,710 people, which is sheer lunacy when you consider that Your Right can fulfill the same basic mission with the writer's room of five Ivy League English majors. In fact, in many cases, these journalists are covering issues that Your Right already took down years ago. I already gave the definitive take on global warming back in September. It begs the question, why do reporters exist when I already do?
And even more than that, what can we do to put an end to this excessive industry? Well, I suggest we start with public enemy number one, Charlie Rose. Get a good look at this, fat cat folks. This is a man who has spent his entire life methodically keeping this bloated, useless industry afloat. Not only has he been deep in the CD journalism world since 1972, he is also hosting a show called Charlie Rose and CBS This Morning at the same time. Even worse, his interviews on Charlie Rose take a full 60 minutes.
Are we going to stand for that? No. How long does it actually take to be completely informed about everything? 22 minutes a week. And what do we say to that?
Fuck Charlie Rose. Shout it from the rooftops. Fuck Charlie Rose. Good night. |
dropout | the_mattress_industry_is_one_big_rip_off_adam_ruins_everything | It's Kathy more Chioli single mother very busy always even as we speak, I'm sending an email back action steps energy sent. Now you may be busy, but I hate getting ripped off so I'm getting scammed I want to know. Oh wow you are the first person to ever openly accept my presence and I'm going to do squats while you talk.
Okay, well ever notice how stores like these intentionally make mattress shopping as confusing as possible. This model has instant snooze coils heat sensitive memory foam and pillow top underwire and I'll let you take it home today for just $39.99 a month with no interest no money down we leave it down to the comforter guys and that's not a blanket statement. But it's all a big bed of lies designed to rip you off. Hey, that's illegal. Yeah, it is to protect us from you. See big mattress has been stuffed with shifty scam artists since the beginning. Back in the 1800's manufacturers would stuff mattresses with literally anything. So the government forced them to label what was inside. But then those devious mattress stores would just remove the tag. So in 1958 the government made that practice illegal. So that's what the tags are for nowadays, you can rest assured that your mattress is garbage free.
But the mattress industry is still full of it. Come on down to the mattress store. They've got so many scams your head will explain scare number one manufacturers will take the exact same mattress and sell it under different names in different stores. So it's impossible for you to compare prices. At Macy's it's called a Simmons beauty rest recharge alley at Sears, it's called a beauty rest recharge Devonwood luxury at us mattress dot com it's called a beauty rest recharge lyric luxury and everywhere, it's the exact same mattress. If I can't compare prices, how am I supposed to have all this is stressing me out give me that one. Scam number 2 manufacturers make up special mattress features to jack up the price even when they do nothing to help you sleep. This match is as fluff stuff in her Springs outer Springs and flex a coil look at the sparkle what is like the quill do it at $300 to the price. Scam number 3 retailers profit off of your confusion by regularly marking up prices, 50% or more. And here's the dirtiest little secret hiding. Under the mattress, this industry spends a lot of time making its products seem different. But the truth is the majority of mattresses are produced owned and sold by the same companies more than 60% of mattresses sold in America are made by the same 2 manufacturers with materials from the same suppliers, then they're often sold in mattress stores owned by the same company.
My sorry, I see that's embarrassing. I can order a mattress from one of those Internet companies. I heard about it on my favorite podcast. Welcome back to part 64 of our investigation into a crime that's none of our business. But first let's talk about Casper I need to buy a new mattress, but I was too busy playing amateur detective with real people's lives with Casper I just clicked they shipped and it showed up straight to my door in a neat little package could Casper be disrupting the mattress industry. Oh definitely not those online companies are just as sneaky as the stores. Too late. I already ordered one.
Nice. She did easy with my ex on our first day.
Actually online mattresses aren't always cheaper. You can find plenty of memory from mattresses in the store for the same price. And they're often made by the very same subcontractors the brick-and-mortar guys use and since you're shopping online, you can't try before you buy so once again comparison shopping is basically impossible.
Nice try. Mister smarty pajama pants.
I checked a bunch of review sites first. Oh, that's no guarantee at all. Online review sites are infested with conflicts of interest and mattress reviews are some of the worst most matters reviewers get kickbacks from sales generated from their sites incentivizing positive reviews this mattress gives me all the feels 10 out of 10 weeks. Someone purchased via my link.
Aww babe, you're so cute when you're working for me. The reviewers and the reviewed are in bed together. Oh, that was very good Kathy, but it's true Casper has even bought out an entire review sites. You know what let's make this official.
Putting all that together if you do a Google search for mattress reviews, you might just be seeing advertisements from the companies themselves. So where the heck do I go to get a new mattress. Honestly, there aren't really any better options. No matter what you do shopping for a mattress is just a big old nightmare. |
cracked | how_swiss_army_man_and_the_neon_demon_broke_our_brains_cracked_responds | How's it going?
A lot of movies are out right now in theaters that seem insane. So we went and saw them Yeah, so I saw Swiss Army Man, which is a film where Paul Danno Uses a dead Harry Potter to survive the wilderness is like the logline I was given It's way weirder They're working on survival for like the first five minutes and then it's like mostly two dudes playing house and one of them is dead Okay, that's the movie. Okay, so they give Daniel Radcliffe like these dead body powers But like not that many so like the fart power he uses that like five times in the movie most situations They're in it's like time to use the rocket farts Really fast, it's like that time like I'll pull my finger Okay, I get it once yeah full me once but after a while you're like I get it There's a lot of music but it's a lot of times them just singing their own music. It's like really really really whimsical I can't I can't tell you enough like I I hate that but if you like that great I was very conflicted. Yeah, you seem like because you're like you're very excited talking about it But also clearly didn't enjoy it really bad time Both way crazier than it looks in the trailer and also not crazy enough. Yeah, it's also boring There aren't other movies like it like also because I looked up a review to see if I was nuts and At the end of the review it was like genre and it listed seven different things The directors they are called Daniels because it is two people with the first name Daniel and they've just decided to be called Daniels But they're the guys who made the turn down for what music video like Lil John and DJ Yeah, they do a music videos if you want to see a survival movie where two guys make no attempt to find food or water and build a model of a city bus from their life But and one of them is dead the entire time. This is the film for you Don't pay for it. So I saw neon demon, which is the new film from the director that did drive What is it about?
It's about this little model in town Elle is a little model. She comes to town apparently like an orphan everyone just sees her and it's like who's that girl?
This movie is like very female driven and like the performances are very good except for the men It feels like all the male performances are bad One in particular being Keanu Reeves Keanu Reeves is in this and and like it's really crazy because Keanu Reeves is not in this Until he is relax. Okay, everything he says very aggressive Like it was very hard for me to keep a straight face You see a lot of like movies like this maybe with with musicians or like actors and so it's the model industry Specifically, okay. Is it like a Hollywood thing? Like it's Hollywood like the monster and then like it's eat devouring people I sort of assumed it's like an industry thing. Yeah, it is There we go the trailer looked like very sparkly and very bloody yeah, it's sparkly and bloody it's very beautiful great Outfits legs for days go see neon demon if you're into that.
I am dangerous. So some movie called tickled Which is actually a documentary about the dark world of competitive tickling The beginning of that trailer feels like an SNL sketch or something like absolutely like like okay guys It's about tickling so tickled is about this guy. He does like like weird pop culture sort of subculture Reports, he stumbled upon this website by this company Jane O'Brien media and it's just videos of guys Tickling each other. They're like strapped down there. It's only men and it's clearly a sex kind of thing Okay, he emails Jane O'Brien media. He's like hey, I found this amazing thing that you're doing Competitive tickling. I would love to do a piece on it. Her response is so mean Aggressively homophobic. He was like, well, that's weird So he starts to get into it and he it gets really fucked up. I guess is the point of this movie Starts off very whimsical. These guys will get paid thousands of dollars and get sent like gifts constantly to keep being in these videos Hard to turn those perks and then suddenly it turns very disturbing. He starts to interview some of the guys that have Been tickled or done the tickling some of their lives have been ruined By this woman who runs this company to the point of like blackmailing them. She is a tickle monster Can't they bring the police, you know I mean many of them are very embarrassed like he it took a long time for him to find anyone that would even talk on Screen about it just gets deeper and deeper and deeper He discovers the history of tickling videos It's just fascinating and really disturbing for in a world where like half of stuff is a blockbuster like half of it's a star War where it's building and then the other half is like more than half and then the other 1% are like these movies where like just something's gonna happen to you more people should be seeing these little tiny independent things because That means that we can make more Interesting strange films guy walking around with no head the dumpster diver Colon that's what it's called colon the movie. He's the dumpster diver.
That's what it's called colon the movie. Yeah I'm assembling these graphics as fast as I can. You're doing a great job. You're a wizard with graphics Thank you Hey guys, please like subscribe comment all the YouTube things things you're supposed to do Please also let us know if you've seen any of these movies and what you thought or if there are other crazy tiny movie genre movies That we should see tell us how we're wrong or right.
Not me. Yeah, don't tell me how I'm wrong Cody doesn't take criticism very well. I tried to |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_failing_marriages_of_megachurch_pastors_g_is_for_jesus | Believe it or not, I met Christy at camp. She was my camp counselor at my special camp for straight young boys.
Wow. Welcome to Jesus for Jesus, and thank you for purchasing tape one of Holy Matrimony, our 20-part sermon series on love and the keys to a healthy, horny, holy marriage. I'm Pastor Titus Diamondhook. I'm Reverend Ruby Ram- And today we're joined by our fertile, God-fearing wives, both named Christy. What?
I thought it was Crispy. I've been calling her Crispy for 17 years. So it's not Crispy? I thought it was Crispy.
Scripture. The Bible says in Second Bionicle that marriage binds a husband to his wife. That's right. So we developed a flawless acronym to help you and your wife maintain total bondage. Now, the first letter is B for Bible. Of course, this one comes first. It should always come first. Then we have the letter D, mutual masturbation.
I first met Christy in a night of heated passion. I mean, I'm talking unbridled bliss. We were a spiritual wheelbarrow of animalistic eroticism. Ruby, I know how you met my wife. I was talking about how you met your Christy. Oh. Uh, when I first saw Christy, she was larping. She was an orc.
Apologize. Christy, I am sorry I made our wedding all about my birthday. Christy, I am sorry I let a contractor finger paint the whole house. Christy, I am sorry I cracked your mother's tombstone with my new truck. Christy, I'm sorry I ate your favorite bee.
I thought it would make the honey in my tummy. Probably Naruto. She was supposed to sing a song. I don't know why she clammed up. Christy. Well, Christy here was supposed to lead us in prayer at the beginning, but I guess she's got an Altoid in her mouth or some shit. Christy!
Now, here's a question. What does God say about marriage?
Well, turns out, absolutely nothing. Not a single word.
You basically make it up as you go. Matter of fact, I'm going to make up a rule right now. Uh, totally random, just straight off the dome, uh, BJ's on weekdays.
She's normally hilarious. She's basically a looney tune, but this morning she got me real bad in the kneecap with a fork and then she just shut down. Had to get her to the car in a wheelbarrow. She was that limp.
Worship. I mean, she's a dom, she's a total dom. I'm a sub. I'm by choice. I mean, once she gets her hands on a chip clip, it's basically over for me.
Christy, knock, knock. Knock, knock. I wonder who's there. Christy.
It's like, I take out the trash, but when I ask her to get groceries, you know, essentials like eggs or milk, she comes back with just soda. Like just a bunch of soda.
Plus I keep catching her sucking on a lithium battery for her bipolar disorder. She said she's getting it straight from the source, but I really don't think that's how that works. And honestly, when I met her, I thought the whole atheism thing was a phase, but she won't stop whispering psych after like every prayer. It was funny for a little bit, but now it's just starting to piss me off. You know, I'm just going to say it. Christy's kind of a bitch. Hey, you can't talk to my wife like that.
Get him, Christy. Oh, she got me. She got me with a fork again. Daniel! That's why we walked her through the goddamn metal detectors. Get the back team! Who gave her a fork?
I think she's mad at me. Are you mad at me, Christy? Yeah, I think she is. Look at that vein on her forehead. Christy, are you mad at me? Are you mad at me, Christy? Christy!
We can cut the music. She ain't going to do it. Christy, I am sorry I lied about Aquatica. I'm yelling yes. Till death do us part, am I right? I'm hitched to this wagon till the bitter end. Well, praise God, my wife's got quite the wagon on her bitter end.
But in all seriousness, Christy, you are the light of my life. My love for you grows stronger each and every day. You inspire me to be a better husband, a better pastor, a better person. And I just feel so blessed that God has led me to my soulmate. And I look forward to every passing moment with you. Because the time we spend together, well, frankly, it's heaven on earth.
Hey! Hey, there she is!
That's my Christy. Oh, would you look at that. God damn it, she got me with another fork. It's like she's got a whole damn dining set in her fucking purse. We have merch! Yeah, no, give me your wallets. I'm dead serious. My pet lobster, Terry, loves his sandwiches. Why would you do that? I'm not really praying about that. Head to wizardswithguns.shop or click the link in the description.
I mean, ever since they amputated my legs and I lost all my money in the stock market, I thought I would never be happy. But now that I got this shirt, it feels like I can finally smile again. |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_battle_of_the_sexes_snl | You giant moron! No! oh! oh! no!
Hi, I'm Jake Nordwin. and I'm Sarah Sherman. I said to Jake, Jake, Jake. what if I'm an old-timey boxer? and your head gets, like, knocked off. And my head gets knocked off.
I had had an idea for a while where Sarah was, like, a Billie Jean King type and we kind of merged those ideas. So here's the picture Sarah Drew. Sarah thinks in, like, images. she had the idea of head-off bones sticking out, blood squirting. that almost, it feels like, comes to you first. yeah. and then we try to reverse engineer an idea so that this happens to you. right, because I'm not thinking of, like, a joke. No, you're. I mean, that's a fun way to write a sketch. I wish I could just think of a sketch that's just, like, funny character, but it's always, like, what if my eyes are googly eyes? Louie's the Carrion. I had a makeup department and I. we get things going. we decided Sarah needs to have her head chopped off. So she came into the lab. we did a quick digital scan. for a movie, this would take a week or two, at least. we had 24 hours to build it. When you have, like, the best special effects artists ever, just, like, literally down the hall, it's, like, one way I do not use them. If I was not a cast member on Saturday Night Live, I would probably be begging a special effects studio to let me come apprentice there. I'm always writing a sketch where I can't hear, see, or breathe. we demand to write a sketch like that. |
cracked | f_ck_floss_3_thankfully_debunked_health_myths | Hey, cracked writer-performer at Katie Stoll here.
I know that I may not seem a day over age 18 to 25, but the truth is, now I'm getting up there. As I enter what can only be described as my golden years, I find myself taking stock of things, paying better attention to what I put in my body. And this may only come as a surprise to me, but it turns out that a lot of the healthy things we're being told to do is total bullsh**. And like, I probably only have, what, 50 to 60 years left, if I'm lucky? Who has time to waste on bullsh**? So if you are like me, a mere mortal with only one body who annually finds themselves a year closer to death, this one's for you.
Ever since I was small and cute, I have been told that I need to floss every day in order to prevent gum disease, which has been difficult because I f***ing hate flossing. Honestly, I think it's because my mouth is creased more. I feel like I'm diving into the sand and I love it.
But according to a recent article published by the AP, that is all. You guessed it. Bullsh**. The AP looked at data compiled over the last decade and found that the evidence for flossing is weak, very unreliable, a very low quality, and carries a moderate to large potential for bias. I know, I know. It seems crazy, right?
It feels like the benefits of floss go without saying. Flossing, which originated in the early 1800s, removes plaque. And since plaque leads to tooth decay and gum disease, it's always been assumed flossing must help prevent tooth decay and gum disease. But science has gotten way better since then, and modern studies just do not seem to support that hypothesis. Look, I realize you're probably taking your hat off and throwing it at the computer screen right about now, but you should actually hold on to your hats. Because the federal government has even removed flossing from their list of recommended guidelines and admitted to the AP that the effectiveness of flossing had never been adequately researched as required. Now, it's important to state that the ADA stands by their position, but it is doubly important to further state that the studies they point to in favor of flossing are largely funded by the dental industry. I mean, floss is obviously a good tool for getting all the gross little bits out of your mouth. I'm not about to banish floss from my life completely. That'd be crazy. But for those of you who have spent your lives secretly struggling with floss-related guilt, well, pressure's off, I guess.
Another widely held belief is that drinking cranberry juice will help treat UTIs. That's because cranberries contain an ingredient called proanthi- proanthi- Pax. They are just- they're called Pax. Pax can keep bacteria from binding to the urinary tract, but it turns out that they aren't actually present in commercial cranberry juice. And the recent studies claiming that cranberry juice does indeed help treat UTIs has been paid for by- get this- big crayon. Even the Cochrane Library, the most comprehensive database for interpreting medical research, states that cranberry juice does not appear to have a significant benefit in preventing UTIs and may be unacceptable to consume in the long term.
Because, see, the other problem with cranberry juice is that it is indeed juice, aka pure sugar. Or, as our very own Carmen Angelica once put it, big ol' glass of death. And before you say, um, sure, but can't you just like take a cranberry capsule instead? Let me just say not so fast, because the Cochrane Library further states that cranberry products were also ineffective, possibly due to lack of potency of the active ingredient.
Basically, it's bullsh**. You are wasting your time, your money, and your calories. If you've got a UTI, stop listening to Ocean Spray and just go see your doctor. Just here at Cracked, we find ourselves doing night shoots.
As you can imagine, staying up all night can really mess with your sleep, and until recently, I would sometimes use melatonin to help. The melatonin hormone is produced in the presence of darkness and regulates our circadian rhythms. It has a myriad of beneficial functions in our bodies and is generally accepted as a safe natural way to help promote better sleep. Except that very little scientific research has actually been done on the safety or effectiveness of melatonin supplements as a treatment for actual insomnia. In this interview with the Huffington Post, sleep researcher Michael Gradner even states, Any person in the sleep world will tell you the same thing. Melatonin is not harmless, is vastly overused, and should not be used as a sleep aid to treat insomnia. See, melatonin's role is to signal to the body that it is nighttime, meaning it can be beneficial in knocking you out, but it does nothing to improve the quality of your rest, nor does it treat the cause of your insomnia. And have you heard how many times I've referred to melatonin as a hormone? Well, hey, that's because it's a hormone. But for some reason, OTC melatonin pills are classified as a dietary supplement, meaning it isn't regulated by the FDA and most supplements contain 10 times the recommended dosage. Too much melatonin can cause grogginess, depression, nausea, and headaches. And like, if you're gonna feel like s*** when you wake up, you may as well do shots before bed. Now I'm not saying, hey guys, melatonin's bad. I'm saying, hey guys, melatonin is a hormone that should be administered under the supervision of a physician, but only for things like jet lag, and also, if you have insomnia, you probably shouldn't take it anyway because you aren't addressing the actual problem, okay?
Well, there are lots of other examples that we could talk about. Taking vitamin C when you have a cold, for example. That's another bull s***. But, I don't know, if you could just look it up. Honestly, ever since I've become such a very old woman, I tire super easily. It's weird.
Although I did actually hear that B12 is supposed to really increase your energy. I'm thinking about maybe heading on over to Whole Foods after this, maybe picking some up. Maybe even a little acai too, huh?
I don't know. Little f*** knows. Life is fun. Hmm.
Hey guys, thanks for watching that video. Seems like you like watching stuff.
If that's the case, please come to UCB Sunset Theater and see me, Jack O'Brien, and my not brother, Daniel O'Brien, and other crack people, presumably, along with Georgia Hartstark and Karen Kilgariff, the hosts of the My Favorite Murder podcast, as well as guests on one of our most popular episodes of the crack podcast. We're going to be talking about murder. We're going to be talking about mayhem. We're going to be talking serial killers. We're going to be talking urban legends that happen to be true.
Those are mostly synonyms. I've just heard that listing things is good for punctuating your sales pitch. Anyways, it is January 14th, 7 p.m. Be there or be murdered. I can't say that kind of. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Winter_Well_And_Truly_Here_79_Year_Old_Doctor_In_Asbestos_Fucked_Bush_Hospital_Sorry_Don_t_Ha_ | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Petuta Advocate weekly Petuta Advocate weekly bulletin Comes out weekly My name's Clancey Overall I'm joined by Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey and yeah we've just finished our media run I don't think we actually have finished we've got two more episodes to go on the Paramount Plus production that we've just released that the Petuta Advocate presents yeah a bit going on got to meet a few different journos didn't we?
Rub shoulders with those Sydney Elites the Meteor Elites down there David Campbell I go on a ride in some old roads I go on a ride in some old fast cars I go on a ride in the Toronto I'll tell you what was on the way there to that to the premiere we're in those very loud hot rods as we were heading down that road in Randwick there was a bloke there with his two kids and his kids seemed interested in the cars they're like oh cool then when we took off from the lights the driver gave it an absolute boot full and these kids look like they've been struck by lightning and his dad looked not very amused he was like mate why?
Electric cars don't make that sound down there his kids were screaming he's obviously on his way to bloody Harris Farm or whatever those bastards eat around there or something I think it's funny to think that that kid will never learn how to drive yeah no or he just wants to hear that he's never going to know what it's like to drive a car with some fucking grunts not going to learn how to drive a stick either drive a fucking V8 drive a plane ride a horse fuck my horn Andrew Broad there's a quote from Andrew Broad there for anybody who's not aware hey baby has I run my strong hand down your back and whisper in your ear g'day mate he just got a big promotion leave the guy alone he just got a big promotion but you know no that's when he said those things he just received a promotion he's a country boy he's a country boy he knows how to ride a horse fly a plane and fuck this woman he definitely doesn't know how to fly a plane no he absolutely does not know how to fly a plane he was fucking messaging his fucking cam girl on wicker no he wanted to be a sugar daddy no but like I can but like there's one thing in that that whole thing that I can kind of respect him for is that he was like you know what there's no coming back from this fuck this I'm going to I'm going to resign from the front bench I'm just gonna ride it out until the election and then just leave that's dignity and grace and politics that's like hey baby I got a really big promotion today I mean at least he has a sense of shame where these bastards in parliament now have no shame yeah well they've just called a cold war too like they were trying to they were clearly trying to like create this big thing last week with like Labour's actually the party of abusers and then it backfired spectacularly on the Liberals and they actually lost a Senator and now I think they've just called a cold war because so much of those old guys in both sides of the party like they could just keep me doing each other until it's an arms race when nobody wins yeah like they'll meet to each other to the fucking end anyway what's in the news today Wendell well speaking of cold we've got a story about the change in seasons and winter is well and truly here as fuck it's cold has become the official greeting of the nation yes conveyed in person or over the phone the majority of the nation is expected to confirm it is fucking cold at least several times a day for those who can't really handle anything less than 18 degrees aka Queenslanders the exception to this rule is however are local dads who have agreed that it's a frosty one but prefer to downplay the dramatics by simply stating that the cold has you know got some bite to it or yeah it's a bit nippy a bit more understated regional news with a national twist now and a 79 year old doctor in an asbestos fucked bush hospital has revealed that he's quite surprised the indigenous voice is the top concern for the national party yes an aging medical professional who has forsaken retirement to continue to selflessly help people in the bush he's this week spoken of his surprise to learn about the number one federal issue occupying all of the manpower and political capital of his elected representatives yes he's not talking about the blatant underfunding of his hospital or general services in his area but the indigenous voice to parliament something which is apparently deserving of every liberal and national politician's full attention dr hannet from a shy the size of tasmania in western new south wales says he's feeling pretty confused that the voice is their number one concern because his number one concern is breaking a hit when one of these harold holt era ceiling tiles collapses from the roof yeah well maybe he can take it up with mark colton sounds just like another woke warrior to me staying on medical news now and sorry don't have any info on that just go on the pill says doctor to every single woman with a gynaeological issue yes this is something i've actually experienced personally myself a petuda heights woman has learned the hard way that there's really not a lot of research when it comes to gynecological care after forking out a few hundred dollars to see a gynecologist after her pcos symptoms well clancy there's a few of the conservative young men in our comments section who would agree with you on that but hoping to receive some advice about medical conditions and treatments available to her 26 year old zoe devins was informed that probably she needs to consider taking some pain relief more regularly and that was after learning that the doctor she went to wasn't really up to date on things like pcos and endo and that he'd just recommend going on the pill to control all of her pesky hormones very useful i mean look 26 years old she's doing pretty good i reckon she's got a diagnosis of pcos and endo within probably six or seven years there i don't know what she's complaining about you know that if you have a pregnancy over the age of 35 the medical term for it is a geriatric pregnancy do you know that's so crook but you know these doctors don't they fucking these old codgers view like endo as like lyme disease like they don't really want to it's just bad period something and it's funny because some of them are against the contraceptive pill as well but they recommend it when it's curing well that's my my doctor is a good catholic but i believe it's seven or eight years is the average time to get a diagnosis for those things so i feel sorry for the shielders anyway keep moving all right we'll move on to a sports story to wrap up the week and a city worker has this week been written up for yelling get a fucking dog up here you fucking pommy prick in his english co-workers ear hole this week that was after the famous sash's victory on wednesday morning yes an old city district legal practitioner has attracted the ire of his firm's hr department this week after he took time to abuse every english white collar refugee employed in the betuda office shortly before 9 am on wednesday morning at the remianco avenue officers of rim job and associates lawyer dennis mulligan walked over to his english colleague and screamed in his face as one of the hr professionals explained to us later mr james might be a silly pommy fuck but you just can't yell at someone and expect it not to end up on our desk well we've done it in our office and we'll continue to do it get that up you you stupid fucking pommy fucks you don't get cricket you just don't get it hey they won they actually did win yeah if you listen to that like extremely unpleasant weird guy that coaches them from new zorland yeah yeah they actually won yeah cricket was the winner and they were also the winners even though they were it's all very confusing fucking stupid poms anyway that's all from us this week thank you for tuning in to the betuda advocate weekly bulletin yeah if it's so good in bristol then why are you in betuda yeah also watch our show on paramount plus um it's a really good streaming service you can also watch sale park bye |
SaturdayNightLive | retirement_party_snl | Jerry, you shared your knowledge, your warmth, your passion for accounting, But most importantly, you shared your corn nuts. and I will never forget that. Happy retirement, Jerry. All right, thank you, Colleen. Okay, it's been a great night with so many well-wishers, but it's time to wrap things up and, oh! sorry, yes, of course. Okay, we have one more speaker. thank you, I need to tell a little story about this saint, Jerry. he helped me out on one of the hardest days of my life.
I say one of, because I witnessed a triple murder as a toddler. Anywho, one day I brought my precious Pebbles to work. Pebbles was my service Chinchilla. somehow Pebbles got stuck in the industrial fan and was tragically killed to death, had ripped off her body and thrown across the room. the rest of her looked like it had been sprayed into a wood chipper. Well, Jerry was first on the scene. he helped me spool Pebbles and testins into his Starbucks mug while I collected the rest of what could only be described as chum.
Thank you, Jerry, here's your unwashed mug back. don't give it to me, okay? Well, it was a great night with great memories, and we think- thank you, it was me, thank you. Retiree in the relations, Jerry.
Now, as you may know, we are The Office Musical Impromptu. Twink. Get this. shiggles. We meet every Friday after work from five to 10 P.m. and every Monday before work from four to nine a.m.
Now, we were specifically asked not to perform tonight, and we respect that, unless someone has a suggestion for a location and a style of music? No. Okay, I heard Kintz and Yara and R. Kelly. Okay, let's not.
Okay, thank you, Gitz and Shiggles, thank you. All right, thank you. All right, Jerry, we're gonna miss you.
I wish I could talk about all the fun we've had over the years, but Hr is here, aka the Sex Police, because I guess there's something wrong with sex now. we must be robots, we must be worker drones. alarm, alarm, cannot feel anything in my boxer briefs while at work. Well, I have a different opinion. I think the wisdom of the body is sacred. isn't that right, Wendy from Security? Wendy and I did something very sacred together on every one of your desks. Hey, let's end that there. I'm not sure why people think it's okay to just grab the, no, it's a flat no, man. Ma'am, Ma'am, you're just taking the mic? Okay. everyone listened to me. I have something very important to tell you.
Jerry has been stealing from the company. No, that is not true. he has. he has, he's been stealing our hearts. Well, that's very sweet.
And Jerry assaulted me. Oh my God. with guidance and information. you can't start it like- He was a great mentor. Never be alone in a room with Jerry. Jesus. because he'll make you laugh so hard, you can't breathe.
He kissed me once on the mouth. thank you. Are you okay? do you know how to leave? you know how to leave? There you go. Okay. hey, hey. hey, Jerry. all the guys in sales pitched in and got you something. Gross. gross. I'm not thrilled about talking into this mic now. Hey.
I'm Hollywood actor Matt Damon from the Legend of Bagger Vance. So a couple of years ago, I was doing research for a movie and the character was a gambling addict, a sex addict, an alcoholic, a peeping Tom Fentanyl dealer with a major armpit sniffing fetish, And naturally, well, that led me to Jerry. hey, man, my family is here. Jerry, thank you for opening up your life to me. you are so brave. and the fact that you even show your face in public shows me a strength I just didn't know people had. And while the movie never happened, because obviously it was way too depressing, I put everything I learned from you into that subtext of the guy I played in Oppenheimer.
And it's all there, Jerry, and that is all you. So let's have a toast to Jerry. no, no, no, nothing to chill, Mark.
Oh My. God. All right, I'm just gonna turn off this mic and end this. Oh My. God.
Congratulations on your retirement, Jerry. we have never met. I am the step-nephew of the event coordinator. I wasn't planning to say anything, but when I heard talk of corn nuts, I felt compelled to put in my two cents.
Death is In this room. it comes for us all. But death is not an end. it is the beginning of everlasting darkness. and silence of a feast for worms who jump on our bodies with their tiny little worm teeth. And though you're dead, you feel every excruciating nibble.
But that's just my two cents. And two cents isn't worth what it used to be because of the failed economic policies of Joseph Hussein Biden.
Again, happy retirement, Jerry. I murdered the Chinchilla. and I smoked next to my tank and it's gonna blow. and I will never forget that. Happy retirement, Jerry.
All right, thank you, Colleen. Okay, it's been a great night with so many well-wishers, but it's time to wrap things up and, oh, sorry. yes, of course. okay, we have one more speaker. thank you, I need to tell a little story about this saint, Jerry. he helped me out on one of the hardest days of my life. I say one of because I witnessed a triple murder as a toddler.
Anywho, one day I brought my precious Pebbles to work. Pebbles was my service Chinchilla. somehow, Pebbles got stuck in the industrial fan and was tragically killed to death. had ripped off her body and thrown across the room. the rest of her looked like it had been sprayed into a wood chipper. Well, Jerry was first on the scene. he helped me spool Pebbles and Testins into his Starbucks mug while I collected the rest of what could only be described as chum.
Thank you, Jerry. here's your unwashed mug back. Well, don't give it to me, okay? Well, it was a great night with great memories, and we think- thank you, it was me, thank you. Retiree in the house! Congratulations, Jerry.
Now, as you may know, we are the Office Musical impromptu. Get some shiggles. We meet every Friday after work from five to 10 p.m. and every Monday before work from four to nine a.m.
Now, we were specifically asked not to perform tonight, and we respect that. unless someone has a suggestion for a location and a style of music? No. Okay, I heard Kinz and Yara and R. Kelly. Okay, let's not.
Okay, thank you, Gitz and Shiggles. thank you. All right, thank you. All right, Jerry, we're gonna miss you.
I wish I could talk about all the fun we've had over the years, but Hr is here, aka the Sex Police. Because I guess there's something wrong with sex now. we must be robots, we must be worker drones. alarm, alarm, Cannot feel anything in my boxer briefs while at work. Well, I have a different opinion. I think the wisdom of the body is sacred. isn't that right, Wendy, from Security? Wendy and I did something very sacred together on every one of your desks.
Hey, let's end that there. I'm not sure why people think it's okay to just grab the, no, it's a flat No, man. Ma'am? Ma'am? you're just taking the mic? Okay. everyone listen to me.
I have something very important to tell you. Jerry has been stealing from the company. No, that is not true. he has. he has. he has. he's been stealing our hearts. Okay, well, that's very sweet. And Jerry assaulted me. Oh My.
God. with guidance and information. you can't start it like. He was a great mentor. Never be alone in a room with Jerry. Jesus. because he'll make you laugh so hard, you can't breathe.
He kissed me once on the mouth. thank you. Are you okay? Do you know how to leave? you know how to leave? There you go. Okay. hey, hey. hey, Jerry. all the guys in sales pitched in and got you something. gross. not thrilled about talking into this mic now. Hey.
I'm Hollywood actor Matt Damon from the Legend of Bagger Vance. So a couple of years ago, I was doing research for a movie and the character was a gambling addict, a sex addict, an alcoholic, a peeping Tom Fentanyl dealer with a major armpit sniffing fetish. And naturally, well, that led me to Jerry. Hey man, my family is here. Jerry, thank you for opening up your life to me. you are so brave. And the fact that you even show your face in public shows me a strength I just didn't know people had. And while the movie never happened, because obviously it was way too depressing, I put everything I learned from you into that subtext of the guy I played in Oppenheimer.
And it is, it's all there, Jerry. And that is all you. So let's have a, let's have a toast to Jerry.
No, no, no, nothing to kill him, Mark.
Oh My. God. All right, I'm just gonna turn off this mic and end this. Oh my God.
Congratulations on your retirement, Jerry. we have never met. I am the step-nephew of the event coordinator. I wasn't planning to say anything, and I heard talk of corn nuts. I felt compelled to put in my two cents.
Death is in this room. it comes for us all. But death is not an end. it is the beginning of everlasting darkness. and silence of a feast for worms who chomp on our bodies with their tiny little worm teeth. And though you're dead, you feel every excruciating nibble.
But that's just my two cents. And two cents isn't worth what it used to be because of the failed economic policies of Joseph Hussein Biden. Again, happy retirement, Jerry.
I murdered the Ginchilla. and I smoked next to my tank, and it's gonna blow. And I smoked next to my tank, and it's gonna blow. |
cracked | stop_with_the_friggin_blue_beams_of_light_yboc | There are an infinite number of ways for aliens to kill us. They can drop asteroids on us, they could grow replacements of us in pods, or they could just carefully wait for us to get tired of not using all these cool nukes we've got lying around just collecting dust waiting to be fired.
But somewhere along the way, all movie aliens agreed on a single method, a big, stupid beam of blue ass light. Suck my dick! In the 90s, beams of blue light came out of every alien spaceship and death satellite, but it wasn't until the rise of the superhero movie that blue light beams became the deadliest killer in all of cinema. Beams of blue light are practically the main character in most Marvel movies. Right. To differentiate themselves from Marvel, the DCEU, you know, decided to be shitty piles of unlikable misery with the occasional octopus drummer sprinkled in, but to make sure they weren't entirely unrecognizable to superhero fans, they basically all include the same blue light beams. In Man of Steel, all of Metropolis not smashed into rubble by Superman himself is vaporized by a giant blue beam. Suicide Squad is a movie featuring 416 potentially interesting characters and one Jared Leto's Joker, hunka hunka! And even that monstrosity manages to squeeze in three giant ass blue beams. That was our main satellite up late. It's not a superhero film, but they even showed up in Transformers Dark of the Moon. I mean, think about that. A movie about robots that turn into fighter jets and laser beaks and fricking dinosaurs. And it still has some asshole suggesting, hey, what if we blew everything up with a big blue beam?
And everybody's like, yeah, great! You were the one who taught me freedom as everyone's right.
At this point, blue beams of light have become so common that the poster for Fantastic Four featured one as the main antagonist. Audiences everywhere were like, oh, sweet, blue beam of light is in this one?
Like, I hope they go with his original costume. They're not powers. They're aggressively abnormal physical conditions that we're gonna fix.
Can you turn it off? They actually marketed this movie as four bored people staring at a cliche, and it was the most honest advertising in the history of the world. Tap down on my horniness. |
cracked | the_most_groundbreaking_ventriloquist_ever_cracked_classic | Who was Jack Torres? To us. He was a friend. He's the best in the North, South, East, and West. I've never seen him in person, but I'm esteemed tonight. Man is phenomenal. But to the triliquism? He was a god. Tell me over and over and over again, my friend, I don't believe. We had been in the game for years and then all of a sudden it was like Jack was just there at every turn. Nobody knew where he came from. He changed the game.
He took what people thought about modern ventriloquy and turned it on its ear. Yeah, its carved wooden ear. Ah, James, could you please get off the stage for this one? Sorry. You lovely people want a joke? Tell them the one about the Kent State massacre. Four dead, Lafitte. There. You want the punchline? Life! Now give me my f***ing ventriloquy. Thank you, Albuquerque.
The man didn't care about convention. He was going to do his own thing. F*** the audience. That's what he always said.
I respected that. Respect? I'd say it was more than respect. You were wishing he had his hand on Bjorn.
I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for Jack. So I'm shopping the other day, Lafitte. Oh yeah? What were you shopping for? 40 acres and a mule. Couldn't find any though. I guess Whiney stole them all back. Back then we were begging to get into the clubs. Couldn't spend all of it every time.
After Jack performed that night, shit, they couldn't get enough of us. We really had a nice dinner that night. Jack and Lafitte were really something to watch after that. How I envied Lafitte to have a daring, creative force like Jack to work with.
Dude, come on. I'm right here. I know. You hippies. You hippies are ruining this country. Free love? More like free from responsibility. You said it, Lafitte. This is our country. And it's not 1984 yet.
Waiter! Oh, Waiter!
I didn't brave New World! Order the Soma injections! And where the fuck is my med pajola?
Jack and Lafitte were on fire. Three people passed out because they were so enwrapped that they forgot to breathe. There's never been a show quite like that since.
A lot of people remember where they were when they heard about Kennedy in Dallas. Dr. King? Right. Dr. King. But I remember exactly where I was when we were, when we heard the news about Jack and Lafitte. It wasn't really discussed in public, but they had always had creative issues.
You were nothing before me. And you're nothing without me!
Now shut your goddamn mouth and let's write this talking dog movie! Suddenly they got worse. Dun dun dun! I still don't believe Lee is gone. A star that bright can't just disappear on its own. Can it? Oh, God. Can we hurry this up, please? I got a fucking date with a mop later. There's a ventriloquist down in Brazil who's doing some really similar stuff. I'm not saying it's Jack and Lafitte. But I had the coffin exhumed. Dun dun dun!
Okay, good. All right. Well, good job, Reggie.
And I just want you to know that we've made every video we've ever made not specifically for you. But, you know, it's your name! So stay subscribed! |
cracked | jason_alexander_mock_threatening_patton_oswalt_on_seinfeld_may_have_been_the_best_thing_for_him | Stand-up comic Patton Oswalt found a second career in acting, landing popular roles on King of Queens and the Goldbergs while becoming a kid's favorite when he voiced the culinary rodent Ratatouille. But his first-ever part, the one that earned Oswalt his SAG aftercard, was a small role in a little sitcom called Seinfeld.
One has it. Oh no, I've been to four other places. You're the only ones that have had it.
Well, I can put her on reserve for you if you'd like. Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it.
Oh, sorry. We can't do that.
Apparently, Oswalt was a bundle of nerves on set.
I was sitting there just reading. I was, you know, enunciating every other word.
I'm sorry. It doesn't work that way.
And Jason Alexander could see how wound up I was. And right before, and I kind of owe my career moving forward to Jason from this him. He leaned forward right before they said action.
He went, it's not too late to be fired, Patton.
His first-ever part, the one that earned Oswalt his SAG aftercard, was a small role in a little sitcom called Seinfeld.
One has it. Oh no, I've been to four other places. You're the only ones that have had it.
Well, I can put her on reserve for you if you'd like. Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it.
Oh, sorry. We can't do that.
Apparently, Oswalt was a bundle of nerves on set.
I was sitting there just reading. I was, you know, enunciating every other word.
I'm sorry. It doesn't work that way.
And Jason Alexander could see how wound up I was. And right before, and I kind of owe my career moving forward to Jason from this him. He leaned forward right before they said action.
He went, it's not too late to be fired, Patton. |
TheOnion | Nation_Successfully_Completes_Mother_s_Day_By_9_18_A_M_ | Americans everywhere are enjoying their Sundays after successfully completing Mother's Day in less than 20 minutes this morning. Dads were able to wrap up breakfast in bed by 9.18 a.m., giving them plenty of time to mill about the garage for the rest of the afternoon, while children who spent a minute and a half this morning hugging their mothers are currently out playing street hockey. And after completely fulfilling their Mother's Day obligations with a store-bought card, teens are now free to leave and spend the day with their friends. The moms, who were quickly and efficiently lavished with cards, flowers, assurances of love and seven full minutes of family togetherness, praised the competency with which the holiday was carried out. Oh, it was great. Charles and the kids made me feel completely appreciated, but they ended the holiday before I even got out of bed. Guess I'll go water the plants now. But before the day-long celebration concluded early this morning, moms had their own job to do, making a brief, obligatory phone call to their own mothers. Coming up next, the NRA unveils their new plan to send guns to school while locking children into protective safes. |
TheOnion | Ambassador_Stages_UN_Coup_Issues_Long_List_of_Non_Binding_Resolutions | We have breaking news that's sending shockwaves through the international community. Ugandan ambassador, Kakimi Mutambi, has seized control of the United Nations and has declared himself Secretary General for life. Brett Altman is live on the scene. Brett, what is the situation like there? It's extremely tense, Brandon. There's no telling what a madman like Mutambi will do. As Secretary General, he has the ability to do anything from outline the UN's year long goals to propose agenda items for consideration by the Security Council. I can't imagine what it must be like for those ambassadors inside, having no idea what this maniac will decide to place on the preliminary list of matters to be included in the provisional docket. It's terrifying.
Brett, we've just secured a cell phone video taken inside the UN. In accordance with Article 4, Section 3A of the UN Torta, I hereby strongly encourage member nations to consider proposal 3A in UN Resolution 10976, which outlines the five reasons member states should implement by every whim. Oh, he's obviously power back.
Chilling words, Brandon, but what's worse, Mutambi has also submitted a formal request seeking authorization for military action against the U.S. and China. Now the two nations have repeatedly vetoed them, but if Mutambi can convince the General Assembly to amend the UN's charter and remove those two nations from the Security Council, those troops could be deployed within two to five years. Well, that's truly a frightening prospect. Is Mutambi untouchable? Well, almost. There's always a chance that Mutambi might abandon his post of Secretary General if he finds a more powerful position, like being the mayor of a small town or coaching a little league team.
Brett, I want to thank you very much. I know it's very tense down there. Absolutely. Thank you. When we come back, a new study finds that millions of Americans are still masturbating at an eighth grade level. |
dropout | hardly_working_trading_lunches | What is that? Mrs. Gerwich's world famous sandwich. Three slices of reconstituted deli ham, one craft single, imitation mayonnaise, and the secret ingredient. Jesus Christ Superstar gave anything for that sandwich. Me too. What do you got? How about my sandwich?
I will give you that Rice Krispie treat I ate yesterday. Didn't you eat that yesterday?
No thank you. This poison sandwich. No. This antidote sandwich. No. Oh thank God.
My pants, sir. I have pants. Your pants, sir.
Definitely not. The balloons? No trip balloons. Is that a thing? I made you this balloon animal. No.
I'll give you Jake. Oh come on. I will give you Jake's sandwich. Closer. Come on.
I will give you this classified government document showing who really shot Abraham Lincoln. Wasn't John Wilkes Booth? You read it, didn't you?
Here's an offer you can't refuse. This gun? No dice. All right. All I have left is this epi pad. I'll take it.
Oh.
Straight or aren't you allergic to ham? Weee! |
SaturdayNightLive | moulin_rouge_snl | You're watching Pbs, librarian-looking ass. Welcome back to movie musical masterpieces. I'm your host, Ken Burnt. Well, it's Oscar weekend, and tonight we're looking back at one of the few movie musicals ever nominated for best picture. it's the 2001 Baz Luhrmann film, Moulin Rouge. the film's crown jewel is the Elephant Love Medley, which strung together 10 popular love songs like All You Need Is Love and I Will Always Love You. But what you don't know is that the original medley was much, much longer. since they didn't know what songs they could get the rights to just to be safe, they tried many more that had never been seen. Take a look. Satine, I want to be with you.
Christian, don't be ridiculous. you know I can't fall in love with you. Why? because you're a prostitute. No. because you're sick. No. because you're actually Australian. No.
Okay, but love's a many splendid thing. all you need is love. Please, not another love song. some people want to fill the world with silly love songs. Well, what's wrong with that? I'd like to know, because here I go again. love lives to somewhere we belong. you belong with me. you belong with me. a name I call myself. far along the way to run. so I creep. yeah, just keep it on the down low. cause nobody else's about to know.
Happy Birthday to you. They knew they could get the rights to Happy Birthday, so they fell back on that a lot. let's see some more. in the name of love, we're not waiting for tonight. Oh, well, you would be here in my arms, waiting for tonight. Oh, I've dreamed of this love for so long. it's been one Der Wall. Oh, no. you just cuffed blood into a napkin. that's movie for dying. Jesus, take the wheels on the bus. go round and round, round and shoot me. Come, set away, come, set away, set away with me. the only man who could ever reach me was the son of a preacher man. the only man who could ever teach me was the son of a preacher man. I feel like a woman, Bam, bam, bam. Happy Birthday to you.
Baz Luhrmann also tried to tie the song Lady Marmalade into the dialogue. take a look. Satine, we need you on stage. it's showtime. And as we say at the Moulin Rouge, hey, sister, soul sister, better get that dough, sister. do we say that? I'm not sure I've never heard that. Oh, did I tell you I finally learned French? Oh, that's great. show us a little. Ok, here. it goes, kitchy, kitchy, yah, yah, dah, dah. kitchy, kitchy, yah, yah, here. And what does that mean? it means mocha, chocolata, yah, yah. Ok, well, we're kind of in the middle of something. Oh, of course. I'll leave you. goodbye. or as we say in French, vous l'evoir coucher avec man. c'est soi. Oh, Satine.
I shall be. you're fainting. I'm dying.
Oh, but can you sing a little bit more? just a little. me too. because I will always love you. And how blurry, how wonderful life is. now you're in. happy birthday, too. Oh! |
dropout | bleep_bloop_dj_hero | Today on BleepBleep, we're looking at a new type of music game for a new type of music. This is DJ Hero, I'm DJ MC Digital Pizza. You guys know me from the club scene in France. Over here we have DJ Le Chef, he DJs with Fisher Spooner and his own band Avon Lava, and DJ Pat Castles.
So this part, pretty standard. I think anyone that's like seen a rhythm game in the past five years or so will figure this part out. Now, are you doing anything there? Or are you actually doing what Daft Punk does to Zena just hang out in there? Well when the line jumps over, you gotta move the crossfader. When you see something like that, you gotta scratch. Right now there is no difference between Jeff and Daft Punk. I mean look at this. But basically it comes down to pressing the buttons as they go past you, scratching when you get to these things, and moving the crossfader with the lines.
The thing about Guitar Hero is, I have a basic idea how a guitar works, what it looks like when you play one. I have no idea how well this represents DJing. Are these the basic components of DJing that I'm simulating right now?
I mean you're coming close, although you probably wouldn't be sitting down with it in your lap. Okay. Right. And taking breaks to eat pizzas between songs.
Now yeah, usually you have, you know, you've got your record here and you've got another one here, obviously. So we're just going one record. One record.
Is that common? Uh, no. No. Even if you're faking it, you want both. You know? So you can... I guess it'd probably be twice as expensive to make one with two of these. We should comment then. If you cared about faking it, you wouldn't be playing a video game about musical instruments. This should be interesting to see Mike on this one.
First time playing the game, just jumping right into expert, and doing terribly score-wise, but he looks cool doing it. So I guess he's winning? You actually have twice as many points as me. Well, you know, I grew up on the streets and all the how-to-parent tables, and I just came up with the ranks. I don't really know.
This is arguably the best soundtrack ever in a video game. All these great songs, all the mash-ups are original compositions. He went for it. You know, maybe not totally your bag, but top-tier talent doing original music. Clearly you never remember Sonic the Hedgehog 2 Casino Zone theme. They got really big songs, and they got DJs that even I have heard of.
Jeff heard of them. They must be enormous. Jeff is like the least cool person in the world, so he's so unplugged from the hip-hop community. It's unbelievable.
It's weird that I feel like I'm not even playing when I'm playing. I don't think this replaces DJing. I don't think you should go into this expecting to get the full DJ experience. It's just a fun video game that's kind of modeled after a lot of things about DJing. It's also largely centered around getting drunk on a couch. Definitely. I think they're both upstart art forms, like turntable-isms, probably not any older than video games, really, and both are not taken very seriously yet by mainstream critics. I only have one way to express how I feel about this game.
One thing that's kind of neat is that they included songs that use both turntables and guitars, and you can play both at once. On the left side of the screen we have Guitar Hero. On the right side we have DJ Hero, which is great because now we're that much closer to being able to play Linkin Park Hero. |
ClickHole | devastating_this_guy_realizes_he_s_the_hamburger_dipshit_that_his_coworkers_are_talking_about | Christ, man. What? The hamburger dipshit. This morning in the meeting? Not much about those hamburgers.
It was unbelievable. I couldn't believe it.
The hamburger sauce all over his finger? Yeah, that sauce. What is that sauce? He gets it on everything.
Are you talking the hamburger dipshit? Yup. How loud was his breathing this morning in the meeting? So, uh. Did I ever tell you guys that time the hamburger dipshit drove me to the office?
His backseat was littered with hamburger wrappers. I always wondered where the hamburger dipshit put all his hamburger wrappers.
I've never seen one anywhere in the office. Whoa, whoa, wait.
You're saying that the hamburger dipshit unwraps all of his hamburgers in his car before he comes into work and he's carrying bare hamburgers from his car up to the office? He must be. The hamburger dipshit got grease in the printer. It's broken. Jesus Christ. The hamburger dipshit strikes again. How do you get grease inside a printer? I've never seen the hamburger dipshit. I'm holding at least one hamburger. It's disgusting. I don't get it. |
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TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_213_Polish_Club | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batooter Advocate and of course Errol Parker, editor at large, how are you Errol?
Good to be here mate. It's good that the season's finally changed here in the diamond tunnel, we've had nothing but rain for months up here. It's been a sight to see, it's only once every 10 or 15 years that you get to see the mighty Cooper Creek in full flood, don't necessarily get to see the diamond tunnel in full flood but we've got the old trifecta here, we've got the Wilson down there at the back end Thargomindah, that's in flood now, it's flooding into Cooper Creek and we've got the diamond tunnel too so on both sides of the grey range mate we've got water going into Lake Eyre. The new northern rivers they call on us and a lot of attitudes are changing with this changing landscape, as many people would know after the federal election result Queensland is now known as Greensland, Brisbane River is finally blue for the first time in many years because environmentalism is being taken quite seriously even by the quiet Australians we've learnt. There's been a lot going on and there's a lot of fallout from the federal election which we won't be talking about today because no one gives a fuck anymore, the results are in and we don't have to talk about this for three years.
So personally I'm in a state of nirvana knowing that we can continue and return to interviewing rockstars which is what we are doing today. We have the young gentleman from Polish Club in the booth with us, they've managed to stay together. The chemistry is visible, they haven't fallen apart during this unprecedented couple years for live musicians. Things are going well, you guys haven't exploded, imploded and are still making music, congratulations. Thank you so much, it's been a really trying time for John and I, we've survived and we're just flying the flag for rock and roll.
Just wondering, is the flood water good to drink up here? Give it a couple more days, as long as it's running, just give it a taste, find out. It's still, you've got to chill, if it runs it'll probably give you the runs too. Which is yeah, the runs is good, it's cleaning you out right?
Yes. Exactly mate. Yeah, I mean.
The betuda colonic. The oldest juice cleanser in the country.
You guys haven't really stopped, you've remained present throughout the pandemic, but I do want to talk about how does life feel now compared to six months ago? You can't stop. I think if you stop, especially if you're not like, you know, a kid who's already doing stuff on TikTok all day every day. If you stop, you're gone, you're dead to people.
You know, we're not necessarily the most prolific online, but we enjoy doing it for the band. Yeah, I know that thing where the backlash for the labels are going like, you got to do a TikTok before you release this thing. I think we kind of nipped that in the bud a year ago.
They tried, they tried. They tried.
So there's one kid who works at our label, like I think he's literally a very, very young boy. I think he's of age now. Yeah, he's probably of age now, so ladies.
But they set up a meeting with him and we're like, yeah, sure. So I was like, I'll hop on zoom and chat to this guy and hear him out about this newfangled TikTok thing. And he basically, you know, he had a deck of like, here's what you do on TikTok. You post five to 10 times a day and you do this and like, you got to do that. And I'm like, Hey man, I'm in my thirties. Look at me and see this.
And like, just know that I know, you know, this ain't gonna happen. Everything you say is right. Yeah. Thumbs up, big thumbs up. I'm sure it works, but um, I'm tired and like, I don't want to. Yeah.
We've already nipped the NFT thing in the bud as well. Imagine the shit that has been brought to you over the last couple of years. But all it ever is, is like, Hey, do you want to make this an NFT? How do you want to do TikTok?
Like it's not, it's like one line and all you have to be is like, no, I don't think so. I'm just hoping we don't get proven wrong and within the next year we get proven wrong all the time. But like the point stands, it's always, I'm tired and I want, I want to do something else that's interesting. I'm not against any of the concepts, but it's like, there's no ideas or, and I'm not even putting it on the person that's suggesting it's like, I don't have any ideas for it.
So like, it's, it's probably like one of the first NFTs in music. It could be that album that the Wu-Tang Clan did where they only made one of them.
Oh yeah. That asshole Skrelly. Yeah. That worked out well. The farmer bro. Yeah.
Who has it now? I think another person who's cut from Skrelly's jib, you know, he's from that school where he was like, oh nice, now I'm going to buy it and I'm going to listen to it. Was it not Elon? Did Elon buy it?
Oh mate, I couldn't tell you. Could you ask him? We'll hit him up on Discord.
The Wu-Tang Clan included a hilarious clause in that contract, which was the only time it can be relieved of him if he doesn't on sell it is if it's stolen by Bill Murray. Oh right. And if Bill Murray steals it, it's not theft. It was just some bizarre thing that was thrown at it. And then when it became evident how much of a villain Martin Skrelly was, they were like, Bill, can you fucking do it? Isn't Bill a villain? Isn't that probably off him as well?
Oh yeah, we'll wait and see how that all goes. I do want to ask, do you think there'd be bands out there in this day and age who are feeling the pressure to hit templates that exist in social media? Like, you know, it would make sense if you were a young kid coming through, like pop star, for example, young pop star coming through to make a song that just, the hook was perfect for the 15, 30 seconds of an Instagram reel or TikTok. Do you think that is happening out there in the landscape? I think it is an expectation like across the board, but I don't see it as like a problem necessarily. The problem for me is with all kinds of music promotion and music release is that there's only like one avenue that everyone focuses on. It's the same thing when like people complain about like triple J and it's like, oh, all Australian bands that they have to tailor their sound to triple J. And it's like, yeah, but I don't blame triple J for it. The only national broadcaster that are doing things like on earth and giving people a platform. Playing new music. Yeah. It sucks if it gets funneled into one kind of vibe, which I don't even know if that's true.
I don't care. But not a monopoly. It's not, not for that shit.
Well, we just need, there needs to be more of them. You know what I mean? Like there's no, it shits me that there's no like tastemakers anymore where you can go to like back, I don't know, 10, 20 years ago, you could go to a blog and you trust the tastemaker to, to kind of expand your horizons. Yeah. And there'd be magazines in the barbershop and you know, that kind of shit. Exactly. And like people would know the names of music reviewers and you know, there'd be actual music criticism. You don't open a magazine. I opened up a national international music magazine that I won't name at the airport the other day. And every fucking review is four stars and up. Yeah.
I'm like, what are we doing? What are we doing?
Yeah. Everything's great. Okay, cool. I read this. Yeah. Like it's saying nothing. Yeah. Hedging the birds. At the end of the day, if you're a new band in Sydney, you're pretty fucked. Yeah. That's what I want to ask.
How did you guys get your jump up? By being old and starting ages ago. But you wouldn't, I mean, we'll get into when you started, but it's not that long.
Like the property market. Yeah. I bought the house when it was 20 grand. I wish I got into the property market instead of starting this shitty band. I'm depressed.
No, no. I want to talk about that because you formed in 2014, which isn't that long ago. Christmas of 2014. Same time the Batutah advocate went digital. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. What a year. I would like to say that that wasn't that long ago. If memory serves me correctly, your band was forged kind of at the height of Hillsong Sharia. Are you making like a causation or correlation?
We just beat it.
I reckon because we had like a couple of shows that like we had gallery bar for free. We were lucky because we we had a period where we had friends that knew someone at triple J or someone knows someone. Yeah. And there was like a, I don't know, three to six month period where we got lucky and getting music to the right people. I think we also started playing other cities pretty quickly as well. Yeah. Sometimes you can get stuck in Sydney because you lose a lot of money going anywhere else getting around. But and also being a two piece is we could just fly straight up. That was it. That's the trick. You cut out all the bullshit you don't need. Two seats in an exit row and we're laughing. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I'll sit in the toilet if I have to. Both from like 2014 to 2016 was basically the last glory days of like your Facebook and Instagram where, you know, you could really go viral and you could really get a huge amount of organic reach. So once we signed to our label, we found out that we were being used in like case studies. We were the band in that deck that people would send to people was like, this is what you're being. Like content planning. Yeah. And also like the now TikTok guy coming to you. Yeah. He's like back then he had a deck with you. This man posts once a day about the dookie he did in the toilet. Yeah. You should do that. No, but yeah, you're right. We got like walkouts where we got that period when it was kind of, you could be effective on Instagram and Facebook and we kind of came from advertising like jobs. Wow. Well, we had a bit of understanding how do I build some content. We were madmen before. Yeah. And like I had people, I got some mates that could help make shit. Yeah. So we had like legitimate little kind of ad campaigns and things and it, and it worked really well. It doesn't work like that anymore. Yeah. We had a skill set that transferred like really organically without us having to really think about it.
Cause like I knew my way around social media and John is a very talented visual artist, graphic designer. So he still does like all the merchant, all the art. I'll write all the copy.
So you're still running at that capacity. You're still doing merch.
Yeah.
Well let's go back before that. Where did you guys meet? Was it like your classic Sydney rock band story where you kind of were both in a Pentecostal church together? But yeah, that is the classic Sydney band. That is legit a depressing realization I had, I don't know, like three years ago. I reckon there's a correlation with lockdowns and then Hillsong being the only place where a band can get a gig and then all these like bands coming out of Hillsong.
And they teach you too. It's like we need someone to play the drums in these, you know, huge giant... 30,000 seater auditorium of Christ. The audio quality is fucking amazing. It feels like you're meeting God. Man, you want to know where we started?
Same thing with AFL when people in Queensland were like, how is AFL spreading so well in the grassroots among young kids? Cause it's like, uh, because AFL gives them free boots and pays their registration.
It's like, it's the exact same thing with Hillsong getting into rock music. It's like the kids get given a guitar and an audience. What do you fucking expect?
Totally. That's a grassroots program. And the Holy Spirit. Yeah. And they get cheered regardless. So it's like encouraging. Yeah.
Where did the name Polish Club come from? Because it's very... Polish parents. Polish parents, yeah. So you're both Polish background? Half Polish, half Filipino.
Fully. Okay. Yeah.
I'm a bit of a liar. Did you guys meet through the community? Absolutely not. The Polish community? No. That would make sense. There was some wedding you met at the Polish Club.
I grew up in Manly and you grew up in... Where are you? I'm everywhere. I'm a citizen of the world, Jonny. When I grew up in Belgium, but then I moved back to Sydney where I was born and we met each other on Sydney's North Shore.
It's the least fucking rock and roll story in the world.
You grew up in a castle in Belgium, right? Adjacent to a castle. I was castle adjacent, but there wasn't like other bands that crossed over and you guys met or...
Yeah. We were in a band before this band. Yeah. But Jon's been in like several, several iconic Sydney indie bands. It was that time in, what is it, 2007? Yeah.
When I was like in my 20s, I was like in five bands at once. Because I'm a drummer. Where everyone's like, do you play an instrument? They're like, you do now. Now you play the synthesizer. Drummers do have that.
Yeah. They're mercenaries, aren't they? Yeah. You don't have to know anything about the music or anything. You're like, oh yeah. And you can just got something on every night with a different band. Yeah.
One of the, um, one of the few drummers that's only ever played in one band. He's got a solo thing. He doesn't play the drums in it though. Does he? No, he was telling us he's doing other shit now. He's playing the piano and stuff. Like you don't hear of too many drummers releasing a solo album.
Phil Collins? Yeah. Or Levon Helm, I guess. Cram? Do you ever go solo? Uh, I don't know.
That shit bag from the Eagles? Don Henley. There's one for all the kids out there. Uh, Jack White was a drummer originally.
Really? Yeah. We wanted to ask that. There's a similar trajectory then because you're a duo? Rock duo? Yeah. Rock duo. As the, as the White Stripes? Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, there's been so many famous kind of rock duos over the years, obviously with the White Stripes, Flat Duo Jets, the fucking, um, Black Keys? The Black Keys. Yeah.
They're also a big one. Royal Blood. Everly Brothers.
Did those bands just teach you that it was possible to have a band with two people? I never thought of it. I had a high school band that never really released much or toured much. And John joined as like the 8 millionth drummer that we tried.
And one day John's like, let's just try a thing ourselves. I think it's like something about two people both writing that is like the optimal number of people to kind of get stuff done really quick. Yeah. I think with that four piece, which is like the two other guys weren't as interested in doing music, they were doing other stuff and it was hard to get the team together, you know? But when it's just the two of it, you can be like, are you good for it?
Yeah. All right. Yeah. And there's only one Vito. Yeah. Well, exactly. Yeah. If he goes, oh no, I'm not into it. We just move on. Yeah. I don't care. Yeah.
But like the thing I've recently discovered is that like the way we write is wildly different to kind of how music is made now, which is like on a laptop in a room working on one song until it's like a dead horse that you're beating in like 24 hours later. Because we've been trying, we've tried to do like writing sessions with a third party. And they'll just sit there worrying about a lyrical hook for like three hours in silence. And we're like, what are we fucking doing? No one cares about lyrics.
No. Well, like it'll come. Like you need to write. That's a good lyric. It'll come. Yeah. Okay. The fourth album by Polish Club. It'll come. Yeah. We just throw, when in doubt, just throw a F bomb in the chorus. Yeah. And it'll go, yeah. People will love that shit. Yeah. It's not fucking rocket science.
The fifth album by Polish Club. I know, but like, has anyone ever heard a language warning before a song and been like, Oh, thanks.
Thank God. Oh no. Yeah. Every band in Sydney before they left Hillsong. Yeah. Why does Triple J still do that? I think it's for parents driving. Right? Like a cool mom. I thought they were a youth network. Yeah.
But there's a cool mom's holding. She's clawing on. She's holding on.
Yeah. Well, you have to really be a piece of shit to like, keep that up. And I feel like that's. Like an actual piece of shit. Yeah. It's too much energy. Yeah. We're just, we're more naughty boys than that. Like, you know, just. Oh, so naughty.
Brats.
Fuck. I just, you know, saying rude words.
Yeah.
I don't know. Because it's easier away. Talking about politics and stuff. Yeah. I mean, like for five seconds. Yeah. Then people go, stick to the music boys. Oh, yeah. How's that? I actually was reading an article, and they put it in the headline that you guys are going political. Yeah. And it's like two songs out of eight. Yeah. And like there's. And it's just like really kind of. And it was a pretty universal sentiment that you were kind of relaying. It's literally. Which we then saw, kind of validated in the federal election a week ago. Yeah, it's done. Yeah.
Yeah, like you said, we're not going to talk about it ever again, so don't bother listening to those songs anymore. It's funny how people still are like, oh, stick to the music. There's no place for politics and music where for a hundred years, music has been super political.
Yeah. And like the biggest artists ever. Yeah. Have been...
Wait, K-San was about being sent to Vietnam against your will, and he was just cannon fodder.
I think the thing is like people are stupid in general, and I'll lump myself in that. To the point where they don't really pay attention to the lyrics. And it's only songs where it's like, say what you see. And they'll be like, oh, wait, this is political. Even if they agree with it, there's something about it that shits people. Even though I listen to however many songs a day, I'm not listening to a single word really honestly. There's been heaps, especially in this country, you go to Midnight Oil, I suppose a lot of these people just hear like a catchy song, but they don't think that it's their bed.
That's burning. Hang on a second. It's not me. It's Tom down the street. It's his fucking bed.
Apparently someone did have a dummy spit at the Midnight Oil show the other day up at the Hunter Valley. Some old codgers were like, these guys have gone too political.
It's like, what? Well, that's like what happened like a year ago or something.
Someone got shitty at Tom Morello, Rage Against the Machine for being political. It's like, the band's called Rage Against the Machine, you moron. What do you think they were raging against?
Yeah, it's like an actual machine. These broken down car. Shitboxed car.
Every single song is explicitly about police brutality, but yeah, I can't believe they've gotten so political. But if you think about any of the great like the stadium bands in the world, like U2, I don't know, Pearl Jam, I suppose were political at some point. Yeah, the most political jizz-based name band in the world.
They still deny that jizz reference, right? I listened to another podcast where Eddie Vedder was the guest the other day, and he did not confirm or deny. So I think it's true. Interesting cat, isn't he?
They were political in the sense that they didn't do video clips. That was a protest against the status quo.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
There are every band, every single band is political. I don't know why I said Pearl Jam.
They're not really obviously political, are they? I wouldn't choose them as an example.
I see Coldplay, that concert recently. Now that's a political band. It was a concert where you could watch the concert on a bike and power the lights.
Did you see that? What? Yeah. It's pretty good.
Making their bands work. They're saving money on the power bill.
That's a lot of bikes. Yeah. I think it was a whole stadium. No, it was like a gated off area in the back where there was just a row of exercise bikes. It was full.
So did you get a free ticket? I assume there was incentive. I don't think people are like, oh, sick, an exercise bike. Yeah, who wants to be a slave for... Let's real game.
It's like, yeah. $150 just to apply for now. You spend $150 to listen to Accountants music and do exercise.
Yeah. Tell you what though, they know how to put on a show. Well, they do.
Last time I would have seen you guys on a stage, well, it was just you Novak, was the ABC. My heart just skipped a beat. I was like, what have I done? The ABC New Year's production.
What a show. And you were singing Hudgens. I was, yeah. I'm in excess. In excess. And you looked rather alert on stage. What does that mean? He came out, I was watching with my whole family.
And the old man goes, geez, this bloke's having a bit of fun. He's a bit turbo.
How long were you waiting around for before you had to sing? Enough time to drink a lot of booze. My first words walking in the door was, where's the booze? At like midday. It was also, because it's the ABC, it's only wine and beer. And I've got like a very low ceiling of beer tolerance before I get off Friday and birthday. It was fine form, but I was wondering, is there a little bit of, like that era of Sydney, like that post-pub rock era, when it was real sexy and weird.
Would that have been an influence for you guys, or are you too young for that? I think it's about to be an influence for us.
I think I never really dug too much into In Excess, just because they're one of those bands where the five hits, the five biggest hits are always playing somewhere. So you never think to go deeper. I remember before that thing, you would have to listen to In Excess, and you're like, man, they're pretty good, aren't they? Until I got to the song Kick, and I'm like, what the fuck? Sometimes I care, sometimes I don't care.
That's a good song. Simple, simple. That was the moment where, that's like a real mum and auntie moment, where you're like, oh, you guys are doing all right, eh? You sell out a 1,500-cap venue, and they're like, you want to come, mum? And you're like, nah, I'm busy that night. But then you get on the ABC, and they're like, oh. Yeah, for sure. It gets real. Oh, Casey Donovan, and him.
Because they're getting feedback from their contemporaries. They're getting feedback from their friends.
Oh, yeah, I saw Novak on the ABC the other night. Actually, he's doing well for himself. Before coming here, I was like, I'm going to chat to the Batutah advocate, and tell Batutah to my mum.
Well, that's our fastest growing demographic, so I would say... We've got one more, maybe. Yeah, that's it. Still grown.
I think the biggest thing of that, the broadest audience that I've ever witnessed of something we've done was the Wiggles support shows that we did. It was text from all ages and all walks of life. I was just like, whoa, people fucking love the Wiggles.
I reckon they're the most popular band in Australia. Well, they're certainly the highest earners. Oh my God. By a country mob.
Yeah, I heard that Jeff bought an apartment block and just knocked all the walls down and made one big house out of it. One big house to sleep in. I imagine just one big, huge room, like void. It's just got a ground floor. It's like, I need this space to record the drums for the next album.
They've done it interesting as well, the Wiggles, because they've got that ability to make themselves redundant when they feel like it and just replace themselves with a younger... It's genius. It's like a rotating conveyor belt of if you feel like doing it, there's a show every day.
You guys would have been Wiggle kids, right? No, I just missed out on it, I think.
They started in 92 and I reckon they got big in 94 or 95, I'd say. So they're crossing three generations now, I reckon. That'll go another one. Oh, totally.
Murray the Red Wiggle was telling us that in the 90s they got onto the Disney Channel and they just went skits in America and they said they played at Madison Square Garden the same kind of time as the Strokes. Like, they're the biggest and the Strokes sold out Madison Square Garden and then the week after, Wiggles sold it like eight in a row at Madison Square Garden in a row.
Every kid in New York. It's mental. For those reunion OG Wiggle shows, they're filled with people that are our age and there isn't a single shred of irony in the building. From either performer or audience member, everyone's just super jazzed.
But are they singing Hot Potato or are they singing Cockroaches? No.
It's a Wiggle show. It's like 30 songs of the Wiggles.
It's like full Pavlovian. All the characters are full Pavlovian kind of responses.
They see wags and they just go off their head. Like, oh my god, it's the fucking dog! 30-year-old humans are going absolute nuts.
It was honestly like no shred of a joke. It was like a Beatles concert. People were going crazy like I've never seen in my life. We were opening and everyone was just already kind of jazzed in one way or another.
When you're a support band, no one gives a shit. It's what I imagine a Hillsong concert would be without Jesus Christ being involved. It's just pure positivity.
Or like some of that early... Elvis's kind of crowds. Those people. That might be a good one for Polish Club. The Parks Elvis Festival. Oh yeah. I want to get this guy in one of those Vegas Elvis suits. One of our only performances with my high school band was in the whatever you call it, the gala ball that they did every year in high school while dressed up in Elvis outfits.
It was very revealing. It was very, very revealing.
They call those Elvis impersonators Elvi. Like there's a plural term for them. That's a weird scene. They're the real.
They come from lands far away to Parks. Parks New South Wales.
Every year. I want to talk about what, aside from you guys becoming a radical political band by making a crack at the Hawaii holiday. As we said before, not an overly political statement. It was like, I think the chats got in on it. Every single band's had a crack about that. You guys did a great photo shoot in the Hawaiian shirts and that kind of stuff. Was that a little bit of a fire burning just because the pandemic was pissing you off so much as well? I think we wrote that right when it happened. It was a song that was written like a year and a half maybe two years before it will now be released. I guess we did spend a lot of time especially me much more than Jon at home in front of a computer and I get a bit like obsessed with clicking refresh when there's political stuff going on that's just like I don't know. It's that whole Reddit thing where you just want to hear people complain about shit.
I've always struggled with writing lyrics that are political because it sounds so disingenuous coming from me in my opinion because it's hard to be like fuck the government baby. When your natural state is to sing soulfully it sounds weird when it's political. When you sung about cheesy pizza, Dominos pizza, I believe every word.
I'd have sex with a pizza. I wouldn't have sex with Scott Morrison.
That's the difference.
We had to find the middle ground between singing with soul and passion and kind of being shouty and angry without being disingenuous. And I think it's something I've always struggled with. You kind of have to earn that right to sing politically. You have been consistently pissed off about things for two years though. Oh yeah, I mean fuck me, right? There's a lot to be pissed off about. The thing that shits me is all these people on socials who are like stick to the fucking music mate. Another musician talking about politics and things he doesn't understand.
And then they'll say their bit and then you go, why? Why did you say that?
And not a single person comes back. Not a single person comes back.
And it's just like, that's the most annoying bit. That's just people telling you to be polite. And when you ask that when you ask why they don't have an answer. I don't find it being rude. It's literally to me it's like I said before, say what you see. I'm just commenting on things I can see and I can list in a list as to why I'm saying what I'm saying. So when you go, hey why are you coming back at it?
And no one bothers to respond. You're like, well this is all fucking pointless.
I'm going to write a song.
There is a feeling when you kind of look at the world of music or the charts or anything like that. I felt like it was an interesting time. You guys were a bit before this because you guys had made a name for yourself well before the lockdowns and whatever. But there were bands that were just on that verge that I really felt bad for. Because it was about to be their year and then they got locked down. But I actually do feel like it almost feels like pause. I feel like a lot of those bands did get to have their moment two years later.
The issue with that is now that we saw it because we postponed our album tour. Our album came out August last year. And we postponed the album tour twice and it happened last April this year.
And it was great. We sold enough tickets to not lose money on it. And we're still waiting to find out. But I think we made some money from it. Which is incredible.
But the crowds are not what they were before. And that's no fault of their own. But people are kind of tentative. Do you reckon that's just reconditioning they've got to get?
We're still in a fucking pandemic. It seems like a fucking revelation which is insanity. Because it's as bad as it's been. But that's a whole other rant that I won't subject anyone to.
I think when something gets postponed multiple times you're like, oh come on. How about this time people are like, really though? Is it going to happen? And then people are like are these tickets still valid for these new shows? And it's like, no they're the same shows. There's a lot of confusion. And then once people get there they're like, ah.
Guarded enthusiasm. Should we be here? Should I be this close to people?
Can I dance? Can I sing?
Because those things were not allowed. So I think confusion is reigning still. But a lot of people had to shelve albums that were ready to go.
Yeah we were kind of lucky because we were going to just write anyway and not do that much. It almost worked out perfectly. So close. Oh this will only last a year. We were just planning on making a record anyway. But then it lasted more than a year.
It could have been worse for us. It could have been so much worse.
And I think we're lucky because we've always focused on a thousand or so people that will always support you and always listen to whatever you do and always buy a ticket. So it's nice to always have that as a fallback. So no matter how irrelevant we get. No matter how down we get on things and we stop being as prolific as we are with releases. We know that that small but passionate group of people will always more or less be there.
But I feel for those people you mentioned before that had an album ready to go they were really building that momentum and there's no insurance for any of that stuff either. So people that had booked tours and stuff that's money gone.
It's like an NBA injury. You were the next rookie of the ACL.
Well I mean it's like that but there's no salary. Yeah it's all projected income.
Did you do any online gigs over Skype?
Everyone hates it's just the fucking pigs. And then the sit down shows are pretty weird as well. Yeah we did a I did a TikTok I did a TikTok live thing standing up in my fucking office in a under a fucking purple light a smart light with an acoustic guitar and I was just like I'm gonna do it because it'll just be something to have and just it's something to do and it sounds like balls and it's fucking awful every time. I don't care what anyone says it's always shit.
Some people were selling tickets to virtual events. Nick Cave made like millions of dollars apparently from that.
Yeah but his music translates well. It's actually good. Over a laptop screen it's like this guy looks like a Doberman he's just like There's two career paths and it's always most of these questions always come back to this for me. There's two career paths now where it's one's really older and one is like the new popular one where it's TikTok based content based. You're a content creator who has an outlet to make music right. So you're good at the 10 posts a day. Everything translates well to being packaged for a phone which again I'm not against at all.
I think it's fucking rad that people have the autonomy to build a career and do it all themselves. And it happened before when Rage came out people were making shit that would work on video heads and then radio is the same. You kind of tailor it to the tools at your disposal. But there's still that aspect of especially I feel in Australia with guitar based music we have a rich tradition of bands cutting their chops live and becoming live bands. You build a crowd of 50 people at every show and you get another 50 at every show and you get fucking good at your instrument and it only works once you experience it live.
You get on a surfing video like your song on a surf video and then you just go off. That was the path wasn't it back in the day. Tony Hawk 3 you get on like a video game. Yeah I think that's what happened to Spiderbait I think they got Black Betty on Tony Hawk 4.
Oh really? No it wasn't a FIFA see like early in the day my kind of dream bucket list checklist thing for the band was it was one thing get on FIFA soundtrack and then that game slowly went to absolute dog shit and everyone realized EA is the worst company in the world and now I'm like damn. But that was the coolest thing back then. Again it's like those taste maker things that don't all really. I mean the real the real crown jewels was Thirsty Merc getting Bondi Rescued. Oh my god what? That's just winning the lottery isn't it?
Every summer it's like what color Porsche am I going to get this year?
Have you got Ray in yet? No no we want to get him in. He's got shit to say. We want to go top to bottom on that song. Have you seen the video that he did in his car? He admitted to it.
Yeah I wanted it to fucking be catchy. I wanted it to be fucking catchy as Velcro. He goes people think it's a fucking coincidence that we hit all of these same commercial checkpoints. That song I love that song though. Yeah it's fucking sick.
That's when you settle down in front of the TV. Bondi Rescues song. Take me back. If that comes on if you're driving that comes on like Triple M or whatever. I dare you to change the channel.
Nah. Never. Well I mean maybe there's one of them on this newest compilation album. You think we don't try?
There's one of the two like are you ready to be like a live fucking band again or what are you doing? Are you in the studio? See now we're at the point where we're trying to get a song on Euphoria. That's kind of where we're at now like kind of pizza ad we're at the lower rung of getting a song on Euphoria which is getting a song on like you know a fast food commercial.
Eagle boys. That's basically all we get here. Volkswagen. No that's too classy. No European shit I'm talking like down and dirty stuff.
Pizza Hut. Anything you put in your mouth. Well he was on a Domino's ad.
Did you see that? That's what I referenced to him. I was up on cable singing to a pizza. I did see that. Yeah it was the best payday of my life.
Sing the tune. I don't remember. Cheese toastie Christ love. Remember that? That's the imagery you just described.
That's more fun though. For us that's more fun than making some stupid fuck.
Here's how I made my song on TikTok. No one wants to see that. People want to hear me talk about fucking a chicken or something. Yeah I don't know.
I guess once you finish one record you just basically start again until you die and then you just keep doing that until you die. And we're constantly trying to play as many shows as possible. Before the lockdowns happened I think it was like right before the pandemic became a common knowledge thing. We were like we've got to play 100 shows this year. 100 live shows because we just want to play as much as possible because it's the most fun part. And then we all know what happened next.
So is there plans for 2.0 that or is there plans to even leave the country? Too expensive. It costs you 30 grand or so to bring a couple of people just to land in Europe with all your gear have a comp. Forget about promoting shows and stuff. It's wildly prohibitive. And you're literally just playing to like 100 Australians in London. Which like don't get me wrong super fun. But like it costs all this stuff costs so much more money than people realize.
Especially after the pandemic. And then the issue now is locally we'd love to play 100 shows. I'd do it in Sydney. But there's two venues. Like let's be real. There's not enough venues to play at. And like we probably don't have enough fans to charge like tickets to any of these shows.
So we lose heaps of money. It's just the whole thing. So I guess you just kind of wait till the audiences kind of blow off their steam and start coming back. I honestly don't know.
Overseas like to make it overseas worthwhile you need some real heat behind your international heat. You just need to like kind of be hyper focused on like we're going to Germany. We're hiring a PR person. So like five people at least will know who we are and we'll get on one radio station.
We did play a German tour for a while. Oh it was the best. It was so much fun. We supported these German bands and it's affordable to like do a 15 show in 15 night thing.
You just get on this like huge tour bus. The double decker tour bus. We did like 10 in 10 days or something. But because you can drive from city to city and there's cities in between not just bush. You don't have to fly. So you sleep on the bus.
You get to the venue. There's a fantastic German breakfast ready for you in every single venue. They're like welcome to Leipzig. Eat a sandwich.
And it was just like a completely different experience.
Oh man yeah. People actually like value musicians as like you know human beings in mainland Europe. Yeah it's a career there. It's a job.
It's not like there was like I saw this video. Like you're the black sheep of the family. Yeah yeah Australia is like you get two house beers and then you got to get the fuck out after you play. You can have a discount on a meal. It's like mom look at my record. It's like your cousin just bought a house.
It's the whole attitude of like you're lucky to be here. You're doing your hobby. Like you're hosting fucking trivia. Yeah right. You should just be happy to have the chance to do it. How dare you hope for you know monetary gain from it and to pay bills from your talent. What?
Yeah I mean to be fair Germany treats their teachers the same way. A lot of Europe do. They put a lot more emphasis behind jobs that Australians take for granted.
Yeah. My dad was a musician and he'd play accordion and play in like all the ethnic clubs in Sydney. And he'd play like you know at a small club on a weeknight and get like a thousand bucks or something. And we would be playing to like I don't know a big decent sized crowd and I'll give nothing. Yeah yeah yeah.
Yeah we're like 20% of these guys. 20% of these. 10 and then they get 5.
But there's like the Europeans still like even here and like they still respect musicians. You should do a Polish club too. You'd be getting paid cash.
Well not much. Not enough. Not enough to hear Lucian from the Asheville Polish club tell us a story about China for some reason for the 100th time.
Let's go to China. They love you there. He brought we got him to introduce us on stage at Oxford Art Factory one time and he brought a random woman from China who didn't speak English backstage and I to this day don't know who she was she wasn't his wife.
What she was doing. Why she was there. If she was a representative of something. I think that was the kind of vibe he was.
Yeah it's just there's all this eccentricity going around with these Polish club owners and I would have to jump in front of a bus before meeting 10 of them. But we played a gig at the Polish club Asheville a couple of years ago and it was awesome. The crowd was so pissed because Polish beer is like really alcoholic but tastes like mid-string.
There's no RSA Marshals in the Polish club either.
So everyone was just like why the fuck is that. People were just like walking on stage and trying to play drums.
And we had the genius idea of playing pretty much every song we've released in three chunks. Yeah like 50 songs.
It was a nightmare. I couldn't open my fingers after the show.
Oh fuck that sounds fun. I would like to see this hypothetical Polish club tour of Australia. It's bound to happen. It is bound to happen.
We're going to run out of ideas eventually. Thanks for joining us today guys. We've gotten a full rundown on what life and the trials and tribulations have been like ever since the government created that virus to fucking control us.
Have you been talking to Polish people? Have I been talking to them?
No we just tend to keep it to indoor cricket with him. And his golf scores. No politics. Oh you had him in here?
But we were very grateful to have you guys in. Thanks for joining us guys and all the best.
All the best moving into this new decade. This new decade. Post-pandemic.
Okay. That made you sound like you're real old. We'll turn that one up. Good luck in your 40's boys. I am like pretty close to 40's. Woah woah woah.
Thank you guys. It's been great fun and we'll be keeping an ear out for those shows. Thank you for having us.
Polish Club. Rock and roll. |
dropout | hardly_working_goth_dave_matthews_fan | I guess I first fell in love with Dave Matthews. Not the man, but kind of the idea of what the band was. I was in sixth grade, I think it was not the mid, you know, right after Ant's Marching, really. ["He Wakes Up in the Morning"] ["He Wakes Up in the Morning"] ["Brush his teeth by two feet and he's rollin'"] ["Never changing as I sing"] It was just like something I'd never heard before, you know? It was rock, I guess, but there was some funk, there was some interesting rhythms.
["He Wakes Up in the Morning"] I was really into a lot of the harder stuff at the time, better than Ezra, but even though I was doing the party and doing the balloons and the whippets and going to the, we'll give you a beer and give you shows, your truck, once we got inside, I said, don't talk to me, you know? I don't wanna talk to you, I don't wanna smoke your joint, I don't wanna take that balloon, I just wanna listen to Dave.
["I Don't Wanna Talk to You"] The Dave Matthews Band has been together and toured more frequently and made more money than the Beatles. Band evolved, it's kinda like, in many ways it is like the Beatles. Now the Beatles were around six, seven years. Dave Matthews is getting close to 20.
["I Don't Wanna Talk to You"] And that would normally be the point in the concert where he would introduce the guy, Stefan, you know? Little boy. ["I Don't Wanna Talk to You"] ["I Don't Wanna Talk to You"] They were a band in the truest sense of the word. Anyway, can I borrow a pen? You have a couple, I'm some grandpa. Oh! ["I Don't Wanna Talk to You"] |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_arrested_development_worth_watching | I really liked the first few episodes. Then I read an article online called 314 jokes you missed in the first few episodes. So, now I don't think I deserve to like them. I missed all those jokes. What did I think I liked? I'm a piece of shit.
I love Arrested Development because of how complex it is. You really have to look closely to get all the references in each episode. Banana stand. Arrested Development is exhausting. If I wanted to pay attention to every tiny, boring little thing that happens, just on the off chance that it might pay off later, I would live my life. The worst part about Arrested Development coming back is it's so popular now. I mean, it ruins the best part of the show. Me getting to berate people for not watching it. I loved it, all right? All my old favorite characters, plus a bunch of great new faces, like Portia de Rossi's. I love Arrested Development. I mean, one of their show has so many jokes that don't pay off until- Yo, Watch Arrested Development.
I saw Jeffrey Tambor at the airport once and it's nice to see your friends do well. I can't believe they got all of the original cast when they're all so busy. Jason Bateman is making movies, Portia de Rossi is married to Ellen, and Scott Baio just put a Swanson TV dinner in the microwave. What's with all the bad CGI? I mean, they've had an ostrich and a vulture and they can't even get a real Henry Winkler. Because of the complex schedule, they sometimes had to put actors on a green screen and shoot them separately, but I don't think you can really tell.
Also, it turns out that stealing the Queen Mary comes under maritime law, which I just found out is an actual thing. I love it when my favorite things go away for a long time and then come back. Phantom Menace, Indiana Jones 4, my estranged father, it's always great.
Do you realize what you've done, Netflix? You've taught super fans that if they bitch enough, you'll give them whatever they want. So bring back Clone High. Netflix has announced that they're not gonna do a season five, so in the ultimate irony, they brought the show back and re-canceled it the same day. Even Fox didn't cancel it that fast. It's a terrific thing that Liza Minnelli is on Arrested Development because if she wasn't on the show, she'd be doing what she always does, staring into a mirror, applying makeup for six and a half hours.
You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gotta have the whole world on a... Huh, the chariots? I'll do it! Mommy, everything's coming up roses!
Hey! Boo!
Way later. Well, there you have it. If you have an opinion about what topic we should tackle next week, let us know in the comments, or just, you know, rant about Obama, if you like. |
cracked | everything_you_know_about_the_confederate_flag_is_wrong | America. None of it has been the Confederacy for the last few 150 years, yet some Americans insist on flying, wearing, and otherwise celebrating...that. They insist they're using that flag to celebrate Confederate heritage and history because that flag is the Confederate flag. But there's a problem with that. The problem is...that's not the Confederate flag. Certainly a Confederate flag?
Sort of. If you guys don't give a shit. See when it came to flags, the Confederacy was like that guy on your freshman year dorm floor who's somehow still in college. They had four years to pick something, but no, they rotated through plan after comically impractical plan. And none of the Confederacy's flag plans were this. This is a modern creation. Whereas this design was the first Confederate flag. Sort of.
One official flag, called the Bonnie Blue Flag, was popular early in the war. Goofy Palmetto-based flag designs like this one were used after South Carolina seceded and didn't know what to do besides hate Lincoln all by themselves. But this Stars and Bars design was the first official Confederate flag. The Confederacy added more stars as more U.S. states seceded, then they added two more stars when they just kinda decided Kentucky and Missouri ought to secede and hey, maybe wishful flag design can guilt a state into treason. Either way, everybody in the Confederacy hated this flag. Because it looked a lot like the Union-slash-U.S. flag.
That was more than a style issue. Confederate commanders couldn't tell these flags apart in battle. And these samey flags were in battles where one army was Americans wearing blue and the other army was Americans wearing what blue looks like when it's dirty.
Luckily the Rebs fixed that combat hiccup after a brief two years. Oh wow, two years, okay.
Anyway, they launched Confederate flag 2.0 in March of 1863. It was nicknamed the Stainless Banner. And while you might recognize that square up there in the corner, you might also recognize the rest of this flag as the color white. Just white. This flag's designer chose white to symbolize, quote, the supremacy of the white man, end quote, and stupid thought. And in keeping with the grand tradition of racist idiots being idiots, he forgot that a white flag looks a lot like a white flag. The surrender flag. Batman Confederate troops marched into battle carrying a flag that looked like a we quit sign.
Luckily the Confederacy caught this new mistake, and it only took them a short most of two years. That's like an improvement. Anyway, a slightly dewited and rescaled version of this symbol became the Confederacy's third flag in March of 1865. Just in time for Robert E. Lee to surrender in April.
And again, none of these Confederate flags were this flag. This flag was even officially rejected as a national flag by the Confederate Congress. Their designated flag committee picked the stars and bars instead.
And yeah, I know, this general design did become famous, but as a square. And only in battle. That square was the battle flag of the Army of Northern Virginia. Robert E. Lee flew it while whipping the Union's non-alcoholic generals. And most every Civil War army had a unique battle flag. They flew it in combat below the national flag. And that makes this design less of a whole Confederacy thing, and more emblematic of a specific, and Gettysburg losing, military force. But somehow either that flag, or this incredibly obscure flag that was the second draft of the Confederate Navy Jack. What are you people, Battle of Hampton Roads superfans? Either way, one of those morphed into this modern symbol, somehow.
And no matter how many people watch this video, that symbol will probably live on as the Mel Gibson of Flags, an icon of racism to most of the internet, and a real historical defender of freedom to your Facebook friends. Thanks for watching! Click the thumbs up to like this video, click the subscribe button to get more videos, and use the comment section to preserve the quality of your character for posterity. |
cracked | comedians_in_cars_kinda_coasting_new_guy_weekly | This is a 2011 Honda Fit best known as the car my mom gave me I'm taking it to pick up Adam Todd Brown cracked columnist and editor damn fine podcast host and an even better stand-up comedian Hi YouTube, this is Alex and this is comedians and cars kind of coasting. Hey, hey, do you want to do you want to get coffee right now? Let's go. I have to work.
We'll be back so great being comedians and hanging out like comedians do you know? It's a really it's a really fun thing Why am I recording this but never you never explain that am I supposed to be looking directly into the camera look natural? Just look look where he's talking to the other comics who do it. The road is so crazy You're doing comedy not where you're where you live club owners are like do this and I'm like I do that. It's so stand up This place is close right rumor has it Bob Dylan once owned Santa Monica's 18th Street coffee house, and it's easy to see why Can we stop yelling at the coffee shop, please? It's just the show You do what's the show yelling at a coffee shop is the shit. You know how voiceover works, right? It's the there's a person talking. It's like the in a world guy if you're doing voiceover in a coffee shop You have to you know, that is absolutely not how it works comics get coffee different It's the premise a lot of coffee at the office. When else will you see like say a Jerry Seinfeld? Hang out with like a did you just point at yourself when you said Jerry Seinfeld you are not Jerry Seinfeld You're new.
I don't know you that well. Come on. We work together. We and we do comedy Yeah, we should be working together right now, but we're not we've been driving for 90 minutes. That's why this is I don't think anyone knows I'm doing this right now. You told someone like oh, I'm gonna go I said I was gonna be the dentist Okay, okay Okay, it's just I do that and then they let me then I can go do whatever I want It's cool. Cuz like cuz like you host a show and you host a podcast Yeah, we just pass it off.
I wish it was on the grid system. It's it. It's it's a total grid Guys, thank you so much for watching What a time and special fit.
Okay, he's already gone. Where is he? Okay. Oh, bye. Bye Adam Goodbye Any refills here?
Hello, you're very attractive You are a face and the rest the whole Party hi my sorry is because how I bet you hear this all the time this exact thing I bet not stop it. I'm doing great |
dropout | learning_piano_to_get_laid_with_bo_burnham | Hey, welcome to Learning How to Play Piano. Good enough to get you laid, volume one. Simply owning a piano is impressive enough, so let's start to play some notes.
Hey, Beau. Hey.
How'd you get this piano into your dorm room? How'd you get anything anywhere? I don't know. How'd it paint the whole thing purple?
Lesson number one, the introspective, the less you say the sexier you are. This next piece is off the soundtrack about that movie about that dog. Beethoven? No, Air Bud? Sounds complicated, doesn't it? But look at my hands.
I'm actually just playing the same three notes over and over again. Lesson number two, learn how to play arpeggios. That sounds so beautiful. Oh, it's nothing. It's just a series of arpeggios. Lesson number three, say the word arpeggio as much as possible, even if it doesn't make sense. Your eyes, they're like arpeggios on fire.
Wow. Thanks. The only thing sexier than a pianist is a songwriter, and notice how I didn't make an easy pianist joke, because integrity is sexy as well. Lesson number four, play a chord, nod thoughtfully, and then scribble a few dots in the sheet of music. Don't worry, you don't actually have to know how to write music. Squiggles will do the trick. This one will be about you. If you're feeling ambitious, modestly tussle your hair a little bit. Everybody knows how to play heart and soul, even these vapid soulless groupies, so use this opportunity for a duet. I'll take the top, you take the bottom. Lesson number five, piano benches are ridiculously small, so use this to your advantage. Welcome. Yeah. Rum enough at the top.
So, when did you learn to play piano? When do people learn anything? What is learning? What is a piano?
Are we here? Is this real? You know? Yeah.
Arpeggio. Lesson number six, an octave spans eight keys, but that's all technical mumbo jumbo gypsy talk. More importantly than that, it lets you show off how big your hands are. So you know piano enough to get you laid, so if you want to get real lessons and pay for them, that's fine, but if not, I'm going to enjoy my harem. Whatever. If you like this video cassette, you'll love learning how to play the recorder to look nostalgic. So, remember third grade? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Fresh_Cut_A_Dance_Floor_Rescue_Millennial_s_Take_On_The_Housing_Market_More_April_8 | You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall. Errol Parker, Editor-at-Large, how are you Errol?
Good mate, I think the people of Emerald might take umbrage to that, I think because they've got, their namesake is a jewel or a gemstone. They take umbrage to everything really. They do. Well they're a bit high and mighty up there because they managed to figure out a way to farm cotton without pillaging the Murray-Darling Basin.
Anyway, still haven't got an election called have we Clancy? No, no, no Wendell, that is correct. As of recording this Friday afternoon, we have not got a date for a federal election from the Prime Minister.
I would say that's because he's trying to let things settle down so he can come from behind, horrible poll numbers at the start of this week, across all platforms, all different pollsters are giving him, you know, he's well outside the margin of error, looking like a loss. But there's also the other theory that he's so tied up in the high courts over New South Wales pre-selections, you know, his own party's taking him to court, that could also be a reason. Because you know, it wouldn't be a very good idea to call an election if you didn't have a candidate in every seat, it would be a particularly bad idea if you didn't have a Hillsong candidate who lacks critical thought and will do everything you say in every seat in New South Wales. So he's actually, he's playing a long game here. Well then there's that other theory that I've been talking about with my friends on 4chan, that the Prime Minister's on a new dose of Prozac, they're just trying to get it right in terms of the election. Because if he does call it on the 21st, it's the day after his birthday, so you know, his last day of campaigning is his birthday, so he might wake up the day of his kind of birthday and you know, have a bit of egg on his face, as they say. A bit of a Sleepy Joe kind of thing, do they think that he might be... Kinda, yeah well like, I'd say he's more like Hunter Biden, because he's all tied up in that Hillsong stuff, you know, I think there's a bit of Scientology about that, you know, a bit of like those Eyes Wide Shut parties, you know, that real plastic bed sheet type shit.
Yep. Yeah right. All that stuff. Well look, it should make for an exciting... That's what they're saying on 4chan. Yep.
It's good to know what they are saying, and it should make for an exciting six weeks regardless of what they're saying, I guess. It's gonna be a fucking long six weeks. The campaign's basically been called even if the election hasn't. What's the first story out the gates today, when... Well, you were talking about those poll numbers there, he might be getting a haircut in terms of his pay in six weeks time, but it's a haircut that he's got this week that has caused headlines.
Scott Morrison has ordered the Parliament House barber to tune up his fade in an effort to win back Lebanese voters. Yes, it's been a massive week for the Prime Minister, we've already had quite Australians berating him in pubs in Newcastle, and of course, as we mentioned before, the dramas with the New South Wales pre-selection, but before all that came to a head, Scotty was making news because of claims against him that he was a racist anti-Lebanese bully. Yeah, talking about those comments from Michael Toke, the prominent Sutherland businessman who Morrison allegedly spread vicious rumours about to underhandedly beat in the pre-selection battle for Cook back in 2007. Yeah, he's piped up telling the project that Morrison told a lot of people that a Muslim couldn't hold the seat of Cook after all that stuff down there with the riots, so Morrison has been tasked with trying to win back plenty of voters who aren't that impressed with that level of blatant shit-talking and unabridged racism. Especially considering Michael Toke is a Maronite Catholic and isn't Muslim, so it's a double-layered smear campaign. It is. You can say that it's not a smear campaign to refer to someone who's Muslim, that shouldn't be something that offends you, but it might offend you if you are a Maronite Catholic Lebanese person. So on top of that, he's put him in the dodgy Leb category, his words, not mine. So Morrison's had to move quickly to win back those votes from the crucial Lebanese vote that decides a lot of seats in Western Sydney.
So first up this week, he's actually ordered the Parliament House Barber to square up his fate, asking for one that makes him look like one of those Lebanese boys in the NRL, the Mitchell Moses. Initially he went Mitchell Moses, but he then asked to get it done even further to the Adam Dewey. The Adam Dewey. Right. Yeah, Mitchell Moses was a bit too wavy. He wanted that real, you know. The hectic fate. The Arab, yeah, like Arab Sydney boys, you know, and there were a lot of different things he did throughout the week to win over Lebanese voters. He ordered that all comm cars be replaced with dual cab jet black Luxys, smoked a lot of shisha as well, smoking shisha, and he started supporting the Bulldogs, his third NRL club. Dogs of war. Now he got another bunch of voters offside a few days after that and was forced to try and win them back over. That's what our next story is about.
It's about a feminist ally, Scott Morrison, spotted dancing in between a friend and a creepy guy on the dance floor late on Wednesday night, I believe it was. Yeah, not something I expected to see from the prime minister, if I'm honest with you, but after telling Journalist Lee Sales that he intervened at his party's pre-selection dramas in New South Wales because he was standing up for great women in his party, the prime minister took his advocacy one step further. Yes, initially feminist ally Scotty began complimenting his colleagues' outfits and offering to pick them up some sanitary items, sanitary napkins, flood stoppers, I believe is a term he used from the grocery store, but he took his allegiance to the women in his party to the next level when he was enjoying a boogie with some girlfriends in Canberra. The prime minister apparently shimmied aggressively in between one of his close female friends and some creepy guy who was just not getting the hint. Yeah, gross. Sipping the last dregs out of a Votti lime soda from a faded red plastic cup, Morrison told The Advocate, when you're out with the girls and creepy entitled pieces of shit start getting ideas, it's on people like me to step in and help out. I don't know where some of these guys get off.
Now a change of pace and we have a story about the state of housing prices. Millennials struggling to get into the housing market have been advised to bring back heroin into the suburbs. Reverse gentrification it's been called, with the median value of Australian property, including both freestanding homes and units currently sitting at $740,000. Young people who are priced out of the property market are contemplating resorting to dirty tactics in order to get their own slice of the Australian dream. Yes, it's a guerrilla activist group known as Brownstone Homelines who say if they can get a few tweakers in between people's houses it might deflate the housing bubble a little bit. Lord knows it kept it nice and stable throughout the 90s when heroin was big. Well it is an interesting idea, I think it's probably a bit more effective than the one Wendell's younger brother did back in 2018 where he put his Land Cruiser through a peloton of cyclists because he didn't want them in his suburb. He thought if the cyclists moved in then up would go the property prices. Well it starts with a coffee price goes up when the cyclists come in. Obviously he couldn't because he went to jail but his wife picked up an extremely cheap terrace house straight after that.
But he did say the sound of the bodies in the bikes that were bouncing off the bull bar it sounded like a gamelan which is a I believe it's a lot like a xylophone. Yeah sorry mum if you're listening to this I know that it's going to bring up some memories but let's move on quickly. Now finishing up the week with some entertainment news and the fantasy of living in the Victorian era high society has been ruined for a local woman as she remembers that they all had syphilis and stunk like shit. Quite a graphic story this one I didn't know how this one slipped through the smut net that we have at the Bitterad ticket but this young woman who has binged the entire new season of Bridgerton whatever the hell that is has been brought back down to earth this week because if you aren't familiar with the show that's me it's a modern day pride and prejudice but with way more gossip Wendell. And a lot of rooting as well I think Errol. Yep lots of scandal too I think I knocked the whole season over within 48 hours when I was home with Florona but anyway back to the main theme of the story that we wrote local Batuda Heights woman Jackie Grimley said she is coming to terms with the fact that the show might actually have taken a few liberties with you know the way they present this era and forgotten to mention that there was no such things as deodorant or condoms so while the occasional love letter might have been nice and cute and romantic Jackie says the fact that they would have all stunk like a sweaty fucking pokie room and the fact that they all had their genitals ravaged by STIs that people thought had you know at that point weren't spread sexually they weren't sexually transmitted they actually thought that was something to do with religion or spread by the Protestants that's what they were yeah and they are you know the lack of hygiene and of course the STIs or STDs whatever you want to call them actually has put an end to the fantasies for now for now yeah I don't know who Jackie has been seeing but I would say plenty of the blokes that I know who are single actually fit that bill so they stick like shit and they have STDs yes so I'm not really sure where she's finding people who don't live like that yeah I mean not in our town anyway Victorian era society or just modern-day Batuda very similar demographics I guess yeah you know when this story came out I thought it was actually referencing the state of Victoria because that's how I imagine they live down there and that fucking not particularly hygienic and is why they're the lockdown capital of the world yeah because of their hygiene that's enough from us this week thank you for tuning in I'm Kleti Overall Errol Parker, Whittle Husky thank you for joining me it's been great hooroo go well ciao |
dropout | practice_kissing_hand_fail | Okay, but what if he wants to make out after the dance? I've never kissed a boy before.
Duh. Use your hand? That's all I learned.
Hey. That was really nice.
Really? I don't really know what I'm doing.
Yeah, you were great. Hey, I gotta meet my friends. Maybe I'll see you after 3rd period. Oh. I'm sorry. You were great. Uh. Hey, I gotta meet my friends. Maybe I'll see you after 3rd period.
Oh. Yeah. Okay. Uh.
What the hell was that? What are you talking about? We saw you kissing Alison McCloskey. What?
No. I was just asking if I could borrow her brother's skateboard. We know what we saw. Dude, she's in color guard. Uh. Yeah. Which is why I didn't kiss her butt heads. Oh my god.
Other hand, I have something to tell you. I have something to tell you too. I know we're best friends, but I'm starting to feel something. Hands and I've totally just kissed.
Oh. That's radical. Almighty. Is he looking at me? Oh. He is so cute. She's staring right at you, bro.
Shut up, Jackwad. Ugh. Let's just skip 7th period and go grind the rail behind Fuddruckers like we always do. You boys think I can't hear you? Sorry, Mr. Elbow. Mr. Elbow is such a dick.
I have ears, you know. Hey, hand. I saw you get in trouble. Do you want to make out?
Ugh. Yeah, right. He's already got a girlfriend.
Allison McCloskey.
I told you I would never touch that pimple-nosed fatty freak.
No. Wait.
Allison, I didn't mean- Come on, Allie. Allison, look at me. You are beautiful.
And anyone who doesn't see that is an idiot. Here. Let me get that. Oh, gross. Oh.
Allison. She doesn't want to talk to you, hand. Allison, look.
I messed up, okay? But I like you. I really do.
Ugh. Bro, are you serious? Gross.
I'm going to go fuck armpit. Don't listen to him, Allie. He's just going to hurt you. It's what he does.
Thanks, hand. But I think I should be with a hand that treats me the way I deserve to be treated. And that hand is other hand.
Hey! I told you to get your hands off my girl! You heard what she said, hand. She's not your girl.
Fight! You shouldn't fight. Someone could die! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Earthquakes_Negotiator_Dan_An_Overwhelmed_Melbourne_Vinnies_Store_More_September_24 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin you're joined by myself Clancy Overell editor of the Batutah Advocate and of course Errol Park editor at large he's vaxed waxed and ready to climax unlike some of those people we saw down in Melbourne earlier this week how are you feeling Errol? How are you feeling with that wholesome pharmaceutical bloody joy that's circulating your body? Well you know it's it's you know it's gonna allow me hopefully to travel interstate to see my family you know after seeing how happy you were that you know after you got vaccinated that meant you'd be able to get up to the Philippines. Still waiting, still waiting. I could see the joy of the prospect of being reconnected was bringing to people and I thought you know why not. Well here here if there's ever been a better reason to get vaccinated I'd like to hear it how about you Wendell? Yeah pretty good Clancy I might just say Errol you do have a real spring in your step it's great to see um but yeah doing pretty well and doing better than the city of Melbourne this week I think which I mean is probably the case most weeks but particularly this week doing better than Melbourne how about you Clancy?
Going alright mate going alright again yeah lucky I'm not down there with all the burning flesh and the fucking trams but you know Queensland we have our own issues at times just certainly don't have them right now. Oh but they pale in comparison. Absolutely we don't we don't have that much seismic activity. I mean like we're about to be sent into turmoil again because the southern states are going into daylight saving. Yep. So that's good well like if there was a border bubble you know if those bastards could wash their hands then maybe we'd be able to have a border bubble with them but the fact that they won't be allowed across the border kind of mitigates the fact that they're going into daylight saving because no one from Queensland will be going there. Well we're lucky we don't have the seismic activity they do down south because I'll tell you what half of fucking Brisbane is made of chalk mate you know I don't give a fuck. If there was an earthquake in Brisbane I reckon the South Bank pools would crack open and people would be sucked out through the crack into the Brisbane River. I don't think Joe was paying the highest bidder.
There'd be a lot of dead fish if that water made its way into the river I'll tell you that much all those fucking backpackers down there with bars of soap fucking each other that's why they call it the gene pool. Yeah there'd be a lot of carp in that Brisbane River with rheumatic fever too I tell you what. Yeah a couple STIs too I imagine am I right fellas?
Anyway what's up first in the news this week Wendell? Well we'll start off with the biggest story of the week and that is 2021 chucks in a few earthquakes for the fuck of it.
Yeah for the first time in a long time our nation has experienced a pretty decent earthquake of course we don't forget we will always remember never forget Newcastle 1989 but same things happen again this week slightly more on the Richter scale I believe is the measurement we used the Richter 5.8 magnitude thankfully no one was hurt down there in Victoria this week so people around the country were allowed to revel in the story a little bit it was felt far west as Adelaide apparently the Mansfield quake was the latest in the long list of biblical events that seemed to have been set upon the people of Melbourne. Yes people like Israel Folau and Margaret Court would probably offer up a theory on that one I reckon but this recent disaster comes a short time after the horrific summer bushfires the subsequent floods that followed and of course the global pandemic that has apparently crippled our economy health system and our way of life the icing on the cake really been a real couple of years. Staying down in Melbourne now the earthquake damage has seen Premier Dan Andrews begin the grueling task of trying to mend his relationship with the tradies. It certainly has been a week for the more developing parts of Australia down there in Victoria before that earthquake struck there was the CFMEU blow up and the subsequent anti-vax treaty protests in the city as a result of those incidents and rising cases Daniel Andrews the premier down there has come out and shut down Melbourne's construction sites for two weeks which was a decision that came back to bite him as quickly as it came. Yeah we have plenty of rubble on the streets and lots of buildings damaged the premier of Melbourne was forced to come crawling back to the yellow and orange clad people who work in the construction industry he reportedly had to send a few texts trying to patch things up and that conversation does make for good reading I've got it here in front of me the first text comes through as boys how we been no response haha oi about all that stuff yesterday hoping we can put that under the bridge no response anyway I was just messaging you to see if you're around this arvo this earthquake has done a job on trample street I know I said no more construction for two weeks but obs this is different and then you there with a few question marks a follow-up still no response leaving me on red there those boys. Well in the wise words of Bob Catawendel who the fuck cares about chapel street. Staying down in that southern city for our final story from down there and Melbourne Vinnies have reported an abundance of high vis donations as conspiracists stop playing dress-ups. All hands on deck at second-hand clothing outlets across Melbourne over the last couple days they say they've been inundated with brand new high visibility work whereas the conspiracists who spent the last few days pretending to be angry tradies run out of steam. Yeah it was a big couple days to be fair to them all after frantically organizing protests and spreading misinformation the right wing extremists behind the flare-ups down there in Melbourne outside the CFMEU offices decided apparently to pack it all up after the earthquake because of course a shaking terrace house is even scarier than a tiny little jab and with no use for the trading costumes they bought just a few days earlier they decided to donate them to charity which was very kind of them.
Probably the most positive contribution they've made for a little while. To the planet ever anyway.
In politics and we've got a story about Christian Porter forcing the ABC into a humiliating back down by resigning to the back bench. Yeah the former highest ranking legal officer in the land sure has shown the public broadcaster this week because after promising not to Porter has resigned from the front bench and that comes a few months after his proclaimed win over the ABC in court where he dropped defamation proceedings without paying them damages or removing the article from their website. Huge win that one. Just another resounding resounding W over the raging lefties who are asking whether it's appropriate that an attorney general should just ignore appalling allegations leveled against him. Porter's next battle is now hoping everyone just stops asking questions why someone was paying his legal fees and why they are so adamant on remaining anonymous.
What's going on there Christian? Who was it Christian? Was it one of your dad's mates?
Tell us mate it's not a good look. I think Scottie's hoping that question isn't answered either and we're going to finish off with some light news from the channel country. The headline on it reads report mate who's found a cheaper ride on his new app can fucking book it then. This incident took place down at a popular old city district watering hole mid-session with a group of revelers breaking into a chat about who was ordering a ride to their next drinking appointment. One fiscally conservative mate chimed in with the classic hey I've got a cheaper one on my new app. The local barefoot disciple they're fucking everywhere these days aren't they decided to inform his mates that they were pissing their money away and his placey app was actually offering up the cheapest ride so he was told to go for his life and fucking book it then. Be their guest apparently it'd be handy to put the patooted company card on that I reckon save some coin rather than just do the taxis. Anyway that's another week in news from us we look forward to having your company again next time bye-bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | sally_o_malley_saturday_night_live | Okay, listen up, you guys. I want to talk about the Miami job. Hey, T, do you ever watch that show Lost? Zip it, Paulie. I don't want to talk about some stupid show. I want to talk about business.
I'm just saying, I don't get that show. the fact that I only eat coconuts and doesn't lose any weight. And what the hell is a polar bear doing on a tropical island? It's a very confusing show, T. I watch the entire Dvd set and I still don't know what's going on. friggin' moron. that's why they call it lost. you're not supposed to know what's going on.
Now, can we get back to work already?
Oh, no. Uncle Junior, you're supposed to be in another house. what are you doing here? I don't know what I'm doing here.
I lost my mind. remember? I think I came back to shoot you again, but I forgot my gun.
Hey, T, before we talk business, there's a new girl waiting to audition for the club. Lady, get out of here. move it. Come on. 50 years old, I'm not one of those gals who's afraid to tell a real age. And I like to kick, stretch, and kick. how the hell am I looking at? Lady, no disrespect, but you're not exactly what we're looking for. not so fast, Sonny. Listen, I saw an ad in the paper that said you were looking for hoofers who could cut a rug, so I put on my red pants because I like it to dance.
This is the best cruise ship I've ever been on.
Lady, thanks, but no thanks. come on, T. she's a nice lady. let her dance. she even brought her all music. Bobby, start the music. hold it. Stop the music.
Lady, you call that a sexy dance. you didn't even take off your clothes. Look, anyone can strip, Sonny, but I was born to strut. this lady trains coming down the tracks. Let me tell you, the caboose may be a little loose, but it likes to kick, stretch, and kick. I'm 50, 50 years old. she can move pretty good, T. how old do you think she is? 43? she said she's 50. you're crazy. she's not a day over 49. Look, Lady, have you even ever given a lot of dance? Sweetheart, I've done more laps than Sea Biscuits. put me in the starting gate. watch me go. this jockey's number is a big 5-0. Lady, it's a strip club. you plan on wearing those long pants when you dance or what? you're darn tootin'. the boys don't stand a chance in these dance pants. I call this outfit my Desert Rose, because it features the camel toe.
Oh! that right there, lady hug. My five-decade dinner like that, so to say. that's what I want. I'm 50-year-old Broad.
T, didn't you see? she can kick, stretch, and kick. she also stretches deep in addition to the kickin'.' Yeah, how old you think she is? the answer's no. Lady, look, I admit, you got something special, but I don't think you can handle this place. can't handle it. Listen, I got more experience than a lot of you. Right on. we got a message from Phil Leothardo. no, you don't, because I can kick, stretch, and kick.
I'm 50. 50 years old. I'm 50. |
dropout | the_second_best_of_everything | Okay, I'm out of dolls, do you have any? Still no. Alright, good stuff today guys, what are we getting into tonight? I'm pretty beat, I feel like I'll just like grab a drink and watch a movie or something, you know? Ooh, yeah, is there a place where we can rent a movie? Mmm, you're in luck. I'm a shareholder in a Hollywood video, we got a ton of bomb-ass flicks, what are we watching?
Uh, you know, I did not see the last Harry Potter film, like maybe check that out? I don't think I have that, but I do have Percy Jackson, Sea of Monsters. Okay, weird, uh, never mind. What about Hunger Games? Is that that Maze Runner ripoff? Either way, I don't have it.
Okay, uh, I think I see what's going on here. You don't have The Matrix, but you do have Equilibrium. Twelve copies of it, previously viewed only $7.99. We do have The Matrix, The Matrix Reloaded.
Don't assume shit, you little turds. Why do you have the second best version of everything? Yeah, is this some kind of ironic hell punishment? Whoa, what are you talking about? I love this shit!
Pepsi? No. Fuck no. Okay, no Beezie. You guys gamers? Sure.
I got the best video game of all time. Please don't say Crash Bandicoot. Crash Bandicoot!
Okay, now. Do you have iPhones? Androids. Do you have Uber? Lyft.
Coffee? Tea. Gmail. Hotmail.
It's a cow. Duh. Okay, that makes sense. CSI.
Nolens. Gloves. Mittens. Beds. Food Tives. Backstreet Boys. Ninety-eight degrees. They come preloaded on all your zoons. Dogs. Lizards. I actually like lizards. Oh, sorry, I meant birds. Nice.
Space Mountain? Big Thunder Mountain. The wildest rat in the wilderness.
Mommies. Daddies.
Okay, that seems really subjective. Yeah, who decides this stuff? Once a week, God and I sit down and really get into it. It's usually about even, but that sucker got pizza while I'm sitting pretty in Calzone City. What once?
No, thank you. Golden Compass. The movie. Not the book. All the religious themes were removed. The only thing that made the book good.
Ham. Turkey. What are you saying? Come on. Uh-uh.
Legos. Mega blocks?
Boo. Pokemon. Digimon.
Jeans. Slacks. From the gap? Oh, you know I'm going to say Old Navy.
Oh. What? When does this happen?
I know it's not supposed to be good here, but the fact that everything is just slightly worse is so frustrating. News flash, dildos. You're in hell. At least you're not that guy. My Old Navy chinos. These things are never going to come out.
Whoa. Let me down. |
cracked | 4_movie_apocalypses_that_would_be_more_fun_than_reality_after_hours | If my car had broken down, there would have been plenty of emergency food and water for everyone. If my car had broken down, it wouldn't have broken down. Well, if my car had broken down, the booby trap would have gone off, so we'd all be dead instead of sitting in this desert nightmare sweatbox bullshit.
Toe chuck will be here in 10. What are we talking about?
How useless you would be in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. That depends on the wasteland.
Right. Come on, we got 10 minutes. Gotta kill time somehow. We wouldn't have to kill time if, stupid, you weren't so stupid and learned how to take stupid care of your idiot car, you stupid. Don't blame me. Why? I'd rather you didn't. That's why I'd pick time enough at last, in the Twilight Zone. Where everyone's dead and you're just left stranded and alone? Yeah.
Free from judgment. Free from blame.
Free to read my books all day, assuming I can hold onto my glasses, which... I can't. Uh, but that's okay, because books on tape.
All the restaurants and stores are closed.
How are you going to eat? You're playing right into his hand. Surely there's enough Twinkies and spam and crap for me to survive. I'm not trying to restart society. I'm just trying to keep one person alive, enough food for one guy. Rice keeps.
Beeps. Beeps keep.
Never have sex again. That's not a whole lot different from what I got going on right now. Man, I should have made that joke. God, the sun is ruining me.
I live in California. The coldest it gets is 40 degrees. There's lots of houses around for shelter. I can raid a bunch of camping stores.
Uh, I don't know how plumbing goes, but I could poop in a different house every day. And in fact, I'm going to poop in a different house every day.
The only downside is loneliness. And for a socially-awkward guy, that's a blessing. My best friends are fictional characters. I could spend all my time reading about them and watching them, dissecting them and deconstructing them and just having them. So your idea of what to talk about when we're stuck out in the desert because your car broke down because of a shortcut you insisted on taking is how you'd never miss any of us. Look who's on board.
No new pop culture. No Avengers 2. You never know how Game of Thrones ends.
Oh shit, right. Damn it. Crap.
Uh, I changed mine to The Road or Mad Max. Something where almost everyone is wiped out and I'll take my chances that George R.R. Martin and Louis C.K. are among the survivors. And you really think that you could survive all those rapists and murderers that always, always plague those apocalypse movies? What is it about an apocalypse that makes people want to wear leather and join street gangs? That what Hollywood thinks we all secretly really want to do?
Gah! I should have something for that too! Damn it! I know, I kind of set you up. Right? I have nothing?
I choose I am Legend. That's just more Last Man Standing stuff. But monsters. There's butt monsters in that? They really took a lot of liberties with the adaptation. At least with I Am Legend, you have some level of safety guaranteed. I mean, if we're talking about your Books of Eli or the Roads. It can't be, right? In each one of those movies, the threat of roving gangs of rapists is constant. With I Am Legend, you know you're safe in the sunlight. And if you can just stay safe at night, then you can spend your day slaughtering your enemies as they cuddle in dark corners of buildings. That's not very sportsman-like. It is if you do what Will Smith does. Get cheeky?
He spends that entire movie playing with his dog or building elaborate monster tracks. The I Am Legend apocalypse turns your whole world into Home Alone. Yeah, but Will Smith actually finds a cure. You think you're just murdering monsters, but those are actual people trapped in there. If you really want to go monster hunting, it's always The Walking Dead.
Ugh. You really want to live in a world that's that poorly written? Sorry.
There's a natural limit to my impulse control and we have reached it. I could Home Alone some zombies in The Walking Dead. That's true.
Yeah, but nobody looks like they're having any fun in that show. Get your own stick. Of course it's not any fun. The apocalypse isn't going to be crazy fun.
Okay, see, the problem with your guys' picks though? They're all too earthy, right? If I'm going to be an apocalypse, I want it to be something where like, it's not just society's crumbling and there's less gas, but they're like, there's new crap happening, right? Like Planet of the Apes? Or Matrix? Or the best one of all? Don't you say it.
Waterworld! Okay, we need to strike some kind of balance. A little bit of sugar keeps him alive, but too much sugar makes him like Waterworld.
Like, if I'm dating someone, I break up with him, right? I'm not just going to date a shittier version of that person. So if I'm saying goodbye to Earth forever, I want to live somewhere that doesn't constantly remind me of the way things used to be. Well, that's true.
One of the worst things about Walking Dead, other than everything, is that it's too depressing. Those characters spend all of their time trying to get back to a life that they'll never have again.
If you don't like the show, just don't watch it, okay? Like us. God, I can't. I can't not watch it. I started it.
Like Zombieland and the road. I mean, those are situations where people are trying to recreate the lives they used to have. Right! I mean, if you're living somewhere that looks, sounds, and smells like Earth, you're never going to move on, or adapt, or evolve wicked gills. You're just going to play Earth, the way kids play house. Constantly trying to build a new suburbs amidst zombies, following a sheriff around. Not developing gills. Being all shitty, right? But aren't they trying to find land in Waterworld?
Just Deacon. And he's nuts! Kevi Cost and the pirates, they just sail around, because they've realized living on top of Mount Everest. Boring! You'd be drinking your own pee. Look who's on board!
See, Waterworld's the most fun, because it's the only world that's not bent on copying the world of the past. And it's always sunny.
And you get to have jet skis. And the pee thing that Soren wisely alluded to. You could be a pirate. You could be a dirt trader. You could bungee jump out of a balloon while a bunch of jet skis explode. You could do whatever you want. And that's good for me, because the bungee jump jet ski thing, that's what I want, and they have that there. Well, then why wouldn't I just live in a Zombieland universe on a boat? I could go into the mainland and get some guilt-free violence out of the way before going right back to my personal yacht. And who knows, maybe even Bill Murray would show up apropos of nothing. Well, in Waterworld world, world, there's water world.
So we're all actually living 30,000 feet higher than we do now. And did you know there's a bunch of studies that show that people who live in higher elevations actually live longer, because their blood gets oxygenated better.
What was in that candy bar, Daniel? Is that like a Take Five or something? You know we can't eat pretzels. Double W is the only epoch where you get to be healthier than you were before the world ended. Hey, you don't even have to do anything. Why? There. I have depleted all of our resources. Surely we must die. Still got five minutes. You got one doing another one? No.
Although that version of Waterworld sounds much better than that bomb of a movie we got. I don't know why everybody says that. It may be $264 million at the box office. That you know, but you don't know.
The cars don't come with unlimited oil. The air is grittier here, and it's bad for cars.
My tummy hurts. Roll sound. Speed. Roll camera. And action. Hi, guys.
Thank you for watching After Hours. And please subscribe to Crack's YouTube channel. And make sure to watch our other videos. Michael's just going to sit here like a creeper and just smile at you as a way to urge you to subscribe. I know it seems counterintuitive, but please do it. Because we really appreciate it. |
cracked | the_cracked_office_is_empty_new_guy_weekly_youtube_exclusive | Hi YouTube, I'm Alex and right now the whole crack team is in Nashville, Tennessee Nobody's told me why or anything, but I figured with the office so empty. Why not give you guys a minute behind the scenes Snacks on snacks on snacks on snacks on snacks on snacks more like soda fun It is not every day you get to sit at Jack O'Brien's actual desk. That is right Just the days they're in Tennessee without you those specifically Yeah, peep the action figure cuz you're at Daniel O'Brien's actual desk.
Yeah, pretty cool. So y'all hero Gotham. Necessito Yeah, more like Soren. Boo.
Yeah, this is his actual desk guys. It's all Soren stuff here That's his actual journal. That's where all his ideas go right there Say hi to Boba Fett because you were in the actual cracked writers room anything. We're gonna brainstorm. We do it in here Good day, mate After-hours spit-take OPCPD a lot of our cracked studio stuff any really big idea we break it in here Cannot wait to show you guys Cody's desk. We got a webby right here, which is except that old slurp slurp thing we did oh, this is That slap thing man.
Oh man.
What a crazy What are these masks we also have a podcast This was fun. Thanks for watching. Bye. Also, I'm not blinking for help in Morse code Hey guys, thanks for watching the video that you just watched whatever that might be Be sure to subscribe to our channel for more of that if you have already subscribed Comment on the video and say you liked it. Don't say you didn't like it and be mean and click like and Check out our playlists. They've got videos videos The Republic is safe. I'm so high |
TheOnion | Roger_Goodell_Insists_He_Still_Hasn_t_Seen_Ray_Rice_Video | The NFL announces a new zero-tolerance policy on videotaped domestic violence. A puzzled nation can remember the name Ferguson but is not sure from where, and a man wearing an M&M jacket is apparently made in God's image. Sifting through the rancid muck of traditional journalism to bring you only the finest web-based news summaries, this is The Onion Week in Review. This week, in response to allegations that league officials were aware of and had seen footage of the former Ravens running back assaulting his then-fiancee, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell insisted to reporters that he still hasn't seen the Ray Rice video. Despite the fact that the video has gone viral online and continues to be prominently featured on ESPN and other news networks, Goodell emphasized that he still has yet to watch the disturbing footage and wasn't even aware of its existence until just now. Declaring that the terrorist organization's actions can no longer be ignored, President Obama vowed this week to split ISIS into dozens of extremist splinter groups. Obama stressed that through a combination of airstrikes and on-the-ground training, he was determined to create 20 or more new militant factions, many with even more extreme views than ISIS, and urged a broad coalition of countries to join in the effort to turn the single militant threat into an unmanageable patchwork of volatile jihadist factions.
In a highly anticipated press event this week, tech giant Apple unveiled a brief, fleeting moment of excitement to the general public. The short-lived, ephemeral sense of wonder was released in front of an exclusive group of reporters and industry insiders at Apple's Silicon Valley headquarters, with initial reports saying that the transitory buzz will likely come and go before consumers even realize it. Apple really made us wait, but this rapidly diminishing glimmer of pleasure was totally worth it. When I finally got my hands on it, it was 100% better than any other temporary joys I've ever experienced.
And in this week's local news, an uneasy detente forms between a man sitting on a patio and a bee. In other news, a poll finds 80% of Americans would get in a vehicle with a stranger for a chance at a new life, Bank of America introduces a new $50 underdraft fee, and the nation's huggers announce plans for you to get over here. They say all things heal with time, yet I feel just as wounded and vengeful as I did at the start of this news summary. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | 7_questions_thor_ragnarok_needs_to_answer_cracked_responds | Hey guys We all saw Thor 3 Ragnarok Fraggle Rock. Fraggle Rock. We saw Thor 3 Fraggle Rock and I have seven questions that you have not seen The first one as usual is not a question Sum up Thor 3 Fraggle Rock in a sentence. Thor's evil sister takes over Asgard as Thor hangs out at the dump So much happens in this movie.
He went to Earth and his dad died, which is a part of the movie That was really weird. Anthony Hopkins chose to die. He was not dying.
He's a god. He chose that and He really seemed needed. He literally said my powers are keeping your sister at bay BT dove's gonna die now And also like the vision that Thor had at the end Thor is getting his ass beat by his sister Hela and then he sees his father in Norway in a vision and he's like father She's too powerful and Anthony Hopkins is just like you don't need your hammer You're the god of thunder The hammer is just like a grounding you but like you really have super magic thunder powers You should use that if I'm Odin I don't do the you have a sister and she's evil and she's gonna destroy the planet and I'm dead in the same conversation Yeah, you have a sister. She's coming Digest that for a week training montage and then I'm gonna tell you other stuff that is going to be useful to you like like Your Thunder powers. Yeah, and if you had used it in that one fight when he was like in like the Roman Death pit fighting thing with Hulk and he there was like a moment where he was like mr. Electric man Yeah, so he knows that he can but he didn't put two and two together Thor's real done.
Where does this Thor movie land in the three Thor movies? I'm gonna put it at one I did not find the first Thor like all that entertaining and then Dark World wasn't that good Second one was quite bad. This is a comfortable first. Yeah silliest Thor Which they needed I think that was I'm kind of like course-correcting cuz they're like, all right the first one He is he doesn't have a personality except for being new to earth. This is the third question Where does it land with the broader Marvel movies?
There's so I know there's so many. It was definitely fun I wouldn't necessarily say it was my favorite. Yeah, I would put it high middle. Yeah, I'm at all Yeah, B plus this was we've said very funny Thor movie Was it too funny? Was that a problem for anyone? I don't have too funny. It's the right word There were a lot of jokes and a lot of jokes were the same beats. It felt like it was Very winky.
It was very like he's gonna do that thing that we always expect and isn't it gonna be silly welcome strongest Avenger What yeah, they did the same kind of bit over and over again the build up to a dramatic moment undercut by an anticlimax they did it right in the beginning when he's Trying to summon his hammer break out of the chain is like I'm gonna bust out here cuz that's what heroes do And then we wait for the hammer to finally come and then it comes and he does the thing Hulk is like You wanted to know who I am. This is who I am jumps out of the plane Which is a good bit but like do it What do it once and do other do other bits I wanted the Hulk to jump out of that spaceship and land with like a Like I wanted that and they kind of took that away from they did Cate Blanchett was she wasted in this movie. Absolutely We barely saw her the a plot was going on in the background for the entire movie and she's Cate Blanchett She's an amazing Oscar winning actress give her one huge Evil monologue. It just was very confusing because it was pretty much She's like I'm gonna be here and I'm gonna take over the kingdom and then they're like no She'll ruin it and then at the end. They're like, we'll take the people and then let her ruin it You get one spin-off movie With one character that is like now we're gonna follow this person.
What is it? What is your spin-off movie?
I want it to be rock monster. He was so delightful. I want Valkyrie me too That is a better answer. I could follow rock monster forever, but Valkyrie She was my favorite part of the movie and I and I want and she has a story Yeah, I want to see her training process. I want to see her being a part of the Valkyrie I want to see her in the Valkyrie. I want to see her the original fight with Hello. Yeah Oh, I want to see that.
Should we just give Chris Hemsworth a sitcom? Have we been Under utilizing him as handsome strong guy forever. And now we should just like put him in funny things Give him a thing but at the same time I don't think he can like lead a sitcom because you're just like that man's look at him That man doesn't have like problems like we have I would love it if that was his movie if that was his movie of like being so funny, but not being able to like Be so cast is like a funny guy The opposite problem with people who are like I want to go for the leading man But I'm always like cast as the pudgy best friend and he just like really wants to be Seymour a little shop Yeah, they're like no, no, no, no, you're the fucking dentist you you you God marble God. He's like, no wait, but like We don't need it. We're gonna have someone else do the voice of the dentist who you will be playing I'm projecting this on the theater I watched it with but it was a palpable feeling of disappointment when he's walking around with his shirt off and then he puts his Armor back on I feel like the whole theater just went Hey everyone.
Thank you so much for watching that video Make sure you click the big C in the middle to subscribe and in fact tell your friends who aren't subscribing that they should subscribe We're really close to 2 million subscribers. I'd really like to hit that number by the end of the year I have a hundred dollar bet on it against no one and I really want to win it. Can I have it? If I know not if I win then I keep it |
SaturdayNightLive | hot_ones_with_beyonce_2_snl | Hot Ones. for our first sweet feast, I'm Shawn Evans and this is Hot Ones, the show with hot questions and even hotter wings. we have a very special guest today, artist, Icon, mogul, and Queen, Beyonce Knowles Carter. Howdy Shawn Evans, it's a pleasure for you to have me. absolutely, definitely. So you appeared on the show once before and you struggled a bit with the sauces, so we're thrilled you've returned for a second try.
Well, this was the only thing I have attempted that I did not slay, and that bothered both me and my husband. my husband is Jay-z. yeah, I know. Okay, I assume you didn't because you're the whitest man I have ever seen. both your skin and the way you carry yourself. Okay, yeah, I wouldn't disagree with that.
Alright, well should we get started? giddy up, let's go. Okay, alright. our first sauce is Satan's Taint Char Chili Sauce, which has a Scoville rating of 65,000. Alright, alright, this one's good. Alright, you alluded to the icy reception you received at the 2016 Cmas as the inspiration for your latest album, Cowboy Carter. you talked more about that? Well, I just thought, who gets to define country music, you know, why not me? that's a tasty wing. we're not that spicy. I'm from Texas baby, your girl likes a caliente. let's do the next one. Okay, alright, our next sauce is Sergeant Schminter's Volcano Penos Sauce, with a Scoville rating of 530,000. Alright, mmm, this will look good. Yeah, this one's one of my faves.
So, I wanted to talk a little about the song. Yaya. Beyonce? are you okay? definitely, Boo. okay, great. So yeah, there's a lyric in Yaya, hold out a red in that white and blue. what's that mean to you?
Um, I forget. this wing is stomping my ass. Damn, my bones are hot. that wing was a real one. you're about to make me sing. this ain't Texas. Alright, so what's Yaya about to you? will you excuse me? I'm about to start speaking in tongues. I am Zor. I'm so sorry. my bones are still on fire.
Where is my assistant Derafiel? Come here. I'm here for you, babe.
I need you to go on Google and search. is it possible to take someone's bones out their body, replace them with bones that are on fire? I'll look into it, babe. Okay, our next sauce doesn't have a name. it's just a picture of a toilet on fire.
And it has a Scoville rating of 1.5 million. Sounds yummy. delicious. Yeah, this one's pretty good.
Alright, so Cowboy Carter is part of a three album trilogy. you need to shut your Charlie Brown with an answer. you need to listen to me. Beyonce about to do something very human. So I need you to blur my face in three, two, one. Oh, they trying to make a bitch cock on herself.
Okay, I'm good. Okay. so what can you tell us about part three? I'm not good. Oh, can I have your meal? Yeah, of course. thank you. you need to kill yourself, golem. that's what you get for giving the world's baddest bitch swamp ass on youtube. The Raphael. Yes, what's the status on taking my bones out? we can't do it, B. Damn.
Okay, plan B. take my cocoa butter aloe lotion out my bag and get as much as you can into my mouth. But B, you can't eat lotion, especially not on camera. Get my $6,000. cocoa lotion out my bag and into my mouth, or I will break you in half.
I can't believe I'm doing this. Okay, open wide, Queen. No, no, Nevins, it's not working. What can I say this? Why is this janky hot wing show the one thing Beyonce cannot do? All right, just hang in there, Queen.
All right, so I want to talk about your acting right now. how do you choose which roles are worth taking a break from? And, uh, the Raphael? Look into the light, please. Beyonce was never here and now in the show.
Yeah, for hot ones, I'm Shawn Evans. Howdy, Shawn Evans. it's a pleasure for you to have me. absolutely, definitely.
So you appeared on the show once before and you struggled a bit with the sauces, so we're thrilled you've returned for a second try. Well, this was the only thing I have attempted that I did not slay. and that bothered both me and my husband. my husband is Jay Z. Oh, yeah. yeah, I know.
Oh, okay. I assume you didn't because you're the whitest man I have ever seen. both your skin and the way you carry yourself. Okay, yeah, I wouldn't disagree with that. All right, well, should we get started? giddy up, let's go. Okay. all right, our first sauce is Satan's Taint Charred Chili Sauce, which has a Scoville rating of 65,000. All right. All right, this one's good.
All right, you alluded to the icy reception you received at the 2016 Cmas as the inspiration for your latest album, Cowboy Carter. can you talk more about that? Well, I just thought, who gets to define country music?
You know, why not me? that's a tasty wing. we're not that spicy. I'm from Texas, baby. your girl likes the Caliente. let's do the next one. Okay, all right. our next sauce is Sergeant Schmincke's Volcano Penos Sauce, with a Scoville rating of 530,000.
All right. this will look good. Whoo. Yeah, this one's one of my faves. So I wanted to talk a little about the song. Yaya. Beyonce? All right. Are you okay? definitely, boo. Okay, great. So yeah, there's a lyric in Yaya, a whole lot of red in that white and blue. what's that mean to you? Oh, I forget. this wing is stomping my ass. my bones are hot. that wing was a real one. you're about to make me sing, this ain't Texas. All right. So, what's Yaya about to you? will you excuse me?
I'm about to start speaking in tongues. I am Zor. I'm so sorry. my bones are still on fire. where is my assistant, De Rafael? come here. I'm here for you, B. I need you to go on Google and search. is it possible to take someone's bones out their body, replace them with bones that are on fire? I'll look into it, B. Okay, our next sauce doesn't have a name. it's just a picture of a toilet on fire, and it has a Scoville rating of 1.5 million. sounds yummy. delicious.
Yeah, this one's pretty good. All right.
So, Cowboy Carter is part of a three-album trilogy. you need to shut your Charlie Brown looking ass up for a minute, and you need to listen to me. Beyonce is about to do something very human, so I need you to blur my face in three, two, one. Ooh, they trying to make a bitch cock on herself.
Okay, I'm good. Okay, so what can you tell us about part three? I'm not good. Ooh, can I have your milk? yeah, of course. thank you. you need to kill yourself, Gollum. that's what you get for giving the world's baddest bitch swamp ass on Youtube. The Raphael. Yes, B. what's the status on taking my bones out? we can't do it, B. Damn.
Okay, plan B. take my cocoa butter, aloe lotion, out my bag, and get as much as you can into my mouth. But B, you can't eat lotion, especially not on camera. Get my $6,000 cocoa lotion out my bag and into my mouth, or I will break you in half.
I can't believe I'm doing this. Okay, open wide, Queen. Martin Evans is Not working. What can I say this? Why is this janky hot wing show the one thing Beyonce cannot do? All right, just hang in there, Queen. All right, so I want to talk about your acting right now. how do you choose which roles are worth taking a break from?
And, uh, the Raphael. look into the light, please. Beyonce was never here, and now in the show. Yeah, for hot ones, I'm Sean Evans. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_royal_tenenbaums | The Royal Tenenbaums, Wes Anderson's film about a family that knows a cowboy. Here's some trivia that's sure to change the way you watch The Royal Tenenbaums forever. Anderson loosely based the movie on one time when he was a kid and Gene Hackman talked to him through a fence. Ben Stiller was cast to play Chas Tenenbaum solely because Chas is known for having a BB pellet stuck in his hand and coincidentally, Stiller was born with an incredibly small third testicle in between his knuckles.
If you listen closely, you might be able to hear an old man blathering on about what he thinks is happening in the movie. This is Wes Anderson's granddad who went insane after smelling a glass of expired milk while visiting the set and wouldn't stop talking during shooting.
Anderson masterfully threw in a couple pages from the Harry Potter books throughout the film so people who didn't like it would have something to read. The deep hues of black and white in this scene really show off the precise color palettes Anderson is known for in his films. Roger Ebert liked the movie so much, his entire review was just the words movie has nice which is probably a good thing. Anderson is famous for his incredible attention to detail like in this scene where he hired a man who looks exactly like Gene Hackman to stand opposite of him so he could make the shot as symmetrical as possible.
Brothers Luke and Owen Wilson realized they were related for the first time after comparing penises on the set of The Royal Tenenbaums and agreeing that they looked pretty similar. Mordecai, Richie Tenenbaum's pet hawk, was played by three different birds and one incredible rat.
Anderson included this scene where Richie screws up cutting his hair so bad he tries to kill himself as a way of reminding people that they should probably just go to the barber to get a haircut.
Well that's all the Royal Tenenbaums trivia I've got for now.
Hopefully you learned something new about this classic Wes Anderson flick. Thanks for watching! |
SaturdayNightLive | get_that_boy_back_ft_chris_stapleton_snl | Do you know that feeling when a man you love betrays you? Yep. I know that's right. been through it a million times, but we don't get mad. we get even. he's playing with my heart, baby. he's no good, so I took my lipstick, wrote my name on his hood. mess with me, I'm a mess you up, So I took my keys to his Chevy pickup. my man left, and he didn't treat me kind. y'all can mess with his truck, I'll destroy his mind. breaking to his house, keep replacing his shoes with the same set of shoes. but a half a size bigger every other week, so it's got the boy thinking, are these different, or am I shrinking? wait, you did what now? you had a whole last meal, but you left me for a snack. the new chick, and he thinks she rocks, but I'll get him back with my break-up bod.
I'm in his parents' house, painted just like their wall, whispering, get out in the middle of the night. they keep saying it! Who? who is saying that? the walls! I'm moving in with you! you had a whole life before a snack, You better. who'd he call with your crazy-ass mom still talking about the walls?
Not sure we're on the same page as each other.
I was more thinking to get beat up by my brother. Oh, I got a brother, too, and he taught me better.
I'm ex-cia, and I go by the Shredder. if you date my sis, you better adore her, because she knows my tricks are psychological torture. like Switzerland's a joke, who would wanna can't be solved? fucking out his hair, so he thinks he's going bald. Wait, here's my favorite. you won't regret this. date him as a new chick in prosthetics. make him fall in love, then six months in, act like you always speak Romanian. Why are you talking like this?
Chevres, it's free.
So the Romanian girl has eyes on the walls. Stop talking about the walls!
My Barbie?
Serious, this President!
Why's my new girl not speaking English? I just tried to pay my taxes, but they said I don't exist. when Jenny left me, man, I really miss her. she thought I was cheating, but I was just fixing my sister.
Oh, that was your sister! I had a whole-ass nail, wouldn't leave her for a snack. that wild one exact. Oh, I knew it!
Mark my words, I'ma get the boy back. I messed with me, I'ma mess you up, so I took my keys to a Chevy pickup. my man left and he didn't dream any kind. y'all can mess with his truck, I'll destroy his mind. break into his housekeeper, place in his shoes with the same set of shoes, but a half a size bigger. every other week, so it's got the boy thinking, are these different or am I stringing? Wait, you did what now? you had a whole new chick and he thinks she rocks, but I'll get him back with my break-up bod.
I'm in his parents' house, painted just like their wall, whispering, get out in the middle of the night. I mean, to get out, they keep saying it! Who? who is saying that? the walls! I'm moving in with you! you had a whole-ass nail, but you left me for a snack. you better bark my own words, I'm gonna hit that hole. good luck finding a new booty call with your crazy-ass mom still talking about the walls. not sure we're on the same page as each other.
I was more thinking to get beat up by my brother. Oh, I got a brother too, but he taught me better.
I'm X-c-i-a and I go by the Shredder. every day. My sis, you better adore her because she knows my tricks and psychological torture. like Switzerland's a joke.
Who would wanna can't be solved. puckin' out his hair so he thinks he's goin' bald. Wait, here's my favorite. you won't regret this. date him as a new chick in prosthetics. make him fall in love.
Then six months in. act like you always speak Romanian. Why are you talking like this? Severus, it's Free. you're Romanian, girl! Stop talking about the walls!
My Barbie serious is presidue. Why's my new girl not speaking English? I just tried to pay my taxes, but they said I don't exist. when Jenny left me, man, I really miss her. she thought I was cheating, but I was just sexing my sister. oh, that was your sister. I had a whole eyes and they all wouldn't leave her for a snack. that wild one wasn't exactly.
Oh, I knew it! Mark my words, I'ma get the boy back. |
TheOnion | Middle_Aged_Woman_Angrily_Demanding_Price_Check_Was_Once_Carefree_Youth_Onlookers_Speculate | Shoppers at a local Hannaford supermarket could only imagine that the 42-year-old woman angrily demanding a price check on a package of rice pudding was more than likely once a buoyant and carefree youth too easygoing to berate a cashier over a 4-ounce snack cup. Shoppers speculated that the vicious tantrum would have been unthinkable to the woman during her early 20s, when her eyes probably gleamed with the fire of hope, unencumbered by responsibility, fear or regret. She was probably once just some freewheeling college kid, you know? Her biggest concern was which one of her friends she was going to hang out with at night and whether they were going to meet at the movies or a bonfire on the beach. Now look at her. You know, I'll bet if you'd have told her 10 or 15 years ago that one day she'd be ripping into a grocery store clerk with a room full of strangers staring at her, she'd have been horrified.
It's sad. It's really sad.
I have the circular right here and it says $3.29, okay? Right there. Onlookers said that buried deep within the world-weary woman was likely a girl that drove 100 miles in an open-back Jeep and stood in line for concert tickets, all before being slowly beaten into submission by the stresses of getting older, raising a child and sacrificing her career goals for her husband. I don't care what it says on your screen. You know, this is why people go to the store across the street because of the way they're treated here. You know, nobody likes it here. It really makes you stop and appreciate the youth you've been granted because one day you wake up, your life is half over, and you're verbally assaulting a cashier over the price of rice pudding while wearing sweatpants in public. You are all just a bunch of incompetent imbeciles and I want to speak to the manager. I can tell you right now, that will never be me. That will never be me. Keep checking TheOnion.com for more as the story develops. |
SaturdayNightLive | rodger_brush_saturday_night_live | You're watching Sex After 50 with Dr. Lanay Burrows-fashunta. Dr. Lanay specializes in providing expert counseling for people over 50 and their changing sexual needs. just because there is snow on the roof, doesn't mean there needs to be snow in the bedroom. And now, please welcome Dr. Lanay Burrows-fashunta. Dr. Lanay is sick.
I'm a producer Roger Brush. Dr. Lanay direct messaged me on Twitter. she said she hadn't gotten number two in 10 days, but today was D-day. she said it came out so compact that it looked like a V8 can. That was followed by what she referred to as two minutes of hot dog water. So I tweeted her to stay home, I'll cover the show. she lives way upstate and there's no toilets up on the taconic. All right, who's first? this is Sheila and Sheath and her husband Wayne.
All right, what's going on? you got a gray bush down there? how can I help? that's not what we're here to talk about. All right, so what is gray? All right, I got to tell you, when I saw my first gray bush hair, I said bye. I shave everything now. it's like a Barbara doll. All right, so what's your problem, sweetheart?
We've been married for quite a while and our sex life has gotten a little predictable. My husband wants to try sex toys. yeah, sweet. you're going to have to speak up. your husband wants to try what? sex toys. I want to try sex toys. you know, like those balls and a stick. Oh yeah, like the eggs and stuff, yeah. You know, don't waste your money. here's what you do. you go in your backyard, you lay face down and stick your ding dong through your hammock. you call your wife out and you say, hey, I think there's something interesting under this hammock, dot, dot, dot. we don't own a hammock.
I don't know what to tell you. you come in here, you dump your problems on me. I give you something that works and you guys just turn up your nose at it. You know what? I know what you want from me. who's next?
This is Junior Grunions. he has a problem that is really relatable. Yes, I'm 55 and I'm having a little problem performing. performing what? like an improv group?
No, no, no, I can't get an erection. you can't get what? you gotta speak up, buddy. is that mic on? it's on. I said, I can't maintain an erection. one direction? no, I can't. I can't get an erection. he's saying he can't get his penis hard no matter how much he drives.
And it's really affecting my partner. Okay, where is she? make her stand up. Oh boy, no wonder you can't get it up. she looks rough. you need some sleep, honey. this is my younger boyfriend. she's not a woman. her name is Mark. Oh, we're doing this San Francisco style. Okay, look, just lay your ding-a-ling on a popsicle stick and put a couple rubber bands around it and you can say, you know, sorry, it's not like the old days, but it's gonna have to do, you know? shut off the lights and have at it. Dr. Fashunto would never be so crass. you are terrible. hey buddy, I don't know what to tell you. you know, it sounds like you're trying to pick a fight with me. You know, why don't you take your floppy penis and go home and sit in the kitchen? what? come on, honey.
I am a big fan. finally, some appreciation. Thank you. This is Connie, June of Themes. she's 66 years old And here's a question. All right, go.
Hi, I am 66 and I'm thinking about cosmetic surgery because my breasts are saking. Yeah, I should introduce them to my balls and have a lot to talk about. Well, it doesn't help my breasts. Well, your breasts have my balls sympathy.
I'm being given that signal. Yeah, I don't know what he's doing.
Anyway, when we come back, we're gonna watch a movie about how the vagina ages. oh boy, I will not be present for that. All right. |
dropout | my_dinosaur_is_a_service_animal_with_chris_pratt_and_bryce_dallas_howard_ch_shorts | Next. Checking in. You know it. Go ahead and place any bags or pets on the scale, please.
No problem. I can not allow that animal to board the plane. Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.
She's a surface animal. She's a dinosaur.
I mean, he needs her for emotional support. No. Yes, please. We're not just one of those bogus A-hole couples. I get anxiety. I need her to calm me down. Oh, word. Because I'm getting anxiety just standing here. I was with her at birth, and I've been separated from her one time, and I will not let that happen again. He wouldn't even have the courage to talk to you right now if she weren't here.
Exactly. He's the most cowardly man you've ever seen. Well... So unattractive. Okay. That's not really helping. Listen, I didn't want to do this, but I read the bylaws, and there's no specific rule sitting there.
I can't have a dinosaur on your plane, so put her up. It could kill everyone on board. Name one person who was killed by a dinosaur.
What about at that park they keep having to close down? What park? We don't know what you're talking about.
Look, I want to help you, but I have to at least know that you have some control over the animal. You want to see control? I'll show you control. She's highly trained. Watch.
No, that's not... That's just... She's super submissive. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.
Sit. Come on. You have to say it with authority. Watch. Blue! Go, full beast! Very good, honey. Blue, eat your pole. You're just saying things she's already doing. Blue, stay! She understand. She's in a kennel. Oh, no! Here we go. Can I speak with your supervisor? And if you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD. Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_earthquake_and_eclipse_on_the_4_8_magnitude_earthquake_and_the_solar_eclipse_snl | New York City was rattled yesterday morning as a rare 4.8 magnitude earthquake shook the city and much of the Northeast around 10 a.m. Here with more is the earthquake. you didn't expect to film me yesterday, did you? the city was thrown into pure chaos.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know about chaos.
I mean, people were a little surprised. it was chaos, Colin. people stopped working for five, even six minutes, to text their friends. did you just feel something? Colin, the flights were delayed at all the airports for up to 30 minutes. up to 30 minutes, Colin! How long are they normally delayed? an hour. pure chaos!
Move over, guy who was punching women in the face! I punched the whole city in the face! a bunch of teeny tiny little punches. like a scary massage! Behold, the power of the New York Earthquake! didn't you originate in New Jersey, though? I mean, I grew up there, but I moved to the city. And there is nothing on earth as powerful as me!
What is this candy-ass little fool talking about? Oh, my God, it's the Eclipse! Yeah. And you listen up, and you listen up good, Earthquake. You want to do a little shimmy shake and try to steal my thunder? Well, what you gonna do when the Solar Eclipse runs wild on you? come Monday, all of America will be covered in eternal darkness. Yeah, I don't know. I heard the Eclipse is only supposed to last like four minutes. we're just gonna feel like an eternity when you're staring at me through a shoebox! Well, you listen to me! you pathetic excuse to make the moon exciting?
If you thought I was done after one earthquake, just wait until you feel the aftershocks! Oh, yeah, brother! I hit it, I quit it, and I redid it! Oh, was that I just heard? it's another book falling gently off the shelf, baby. Earthquake strikes again! Boom! You got nothing on the chaos that I will bring!
And people think that they are ready with their little special glasses? Well, most of them are fakes that they bought on Amazon. their eyes are mine! And their dogs are gonna be extremely confused for a couple of hours. Well, I made the dogs confused too! but I'll make them think it's night, sucker!
Guys. guys, let's calm down. you're both very disruptive. natural events. you know what? Colin's right, Eclipse. we shouldn't be fighting. we should team up. An earthquake during an eclipse? that'd be biblical, Brother! the kind of thing that they used to make ancient people throw a virgin into a volcano! I like it! No, no, hold on. New York doesn't need another earthquake, especially during a blackout. Well, don't worry. I'm sure Mayor Adams will have it totally under control. The Eclipse and earthquake, everyone! |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_jumper_snl | Gotta do this once. Nice taking walks, especially. I'm writing Nike.
Oh my god, dude. look look sir, what are you doing? can't take it anymore. I don't have anything worth living for. Come on, man. there must be someone or something you care about.
You know, I I guess it's my music. Your your music. Yeah, I make music.
I'm too much of a coward to ever show anyone. God. you're so pathetic.
Frank. Show us your music. we'd be lucky to hear it. Really? yeah. yes, Frank, please play us some of your music. So what'd you guys think? good, really? sounds like it was made by like a cool frog. and yeah, just constructive criticism wise. yeah, huh. You don't have to say. thank you at the end of your song. I got like other songs. okay. yeah. all right, thanks in advance. We just leave. Nobody saw. Hey, what are you guys saying? I'm nothing man. the song is awesome. super gurgly. Hey, are you feeling better? you want to maybe head inside? we're just sharing on Instagram if it means you won't kill yourself.
Yeah, what's your band's name? Oh, it's Hamis. H-a-m-a-s Hamas. Oh god, I didn't think of that. Yeah, dude. I'm not sharing a song by Hamas on Instagram. My band's named Hamas.
My girlfriend broke up in me. what happened. It's complicated, but I wrote a song about it. I cheated.
Oh my god. it's not complicated, man. Oh, dude, there's a cop. Hey sir. Wait, this was my fav. check it out.
What's about my mom passing? then? Why does it sound like that? Oh my God, her record company wants to hear my music.
Quick. Put in rice.
That's it. No, no, no, come on dude, we can help you. All right, we work for Snl. Maybe we could use one of your songs in a video. Wait, you're those guys. Yeah, man. well, please don't destroy. And we are. Now I'm good. our videos can't be that bad. here's the press: Who's a depressed person? Should we get back to work? Yeah, you. |
CrackerMilk | confronting_a_racist_old_white_man | Can't you see we're festive as fuck today? Yeah, I'm wearing my festive cracker book shirt Look at Elias' Santa hat. Don't you love his Santa hat?
It looks unwashed. Yeah, it looks unwashed it smells a bit like salmon for some reason Elias' head has a yeast infection.
Yeah, it's a beautiful Christmas It's a beautiful Christmas at the moment. We can bake Christmas bread with Elias' head And you know what also would make a beautiful Christmas gift What would it be?
If we go and visit Sandin Clorn himself. I love Sandin Clorn I've been wanting to see him for my whole life. You know what, I know Sandin Clorn.
How do you know his name? I met him back when I was a young teenager I used to race dogs at the dog races, but they were a little weird and had antlers He'd win a lot.
Hmm. All right. Well, well, do you know where to find him? Yeah He's just in this room back here. How are you going?
It's me, Sandin. Sandin Clorn. Oh, Santa Claus. Wait, no. What was his name? Sandin Clorn. That's me, Sandin Clorn.
So we I'm from the Italian American district. I thought you were from the North Pole Sandin Clorn. No, that's Santa Claus He deals with the North Pole district in the northern hemisphere. I deal with it. We break it up into three parts There's the northern hemisphere. There's the southern hemisphere and you got the middle hemisphere.
I'm in the middle Like a sandwich. Yes, like meat. You like getting sandwiched by two old men.
You told me off-camera we wouldn't be mentioning that. I just meant about the zoning. Oh, yes Yes, I do that What sort of presence do you give out in the middle hemisphere?
Oh That's very culturally significant of you. Yeah, my Mars plastic couch.
Look boys, you know what I do need I need someone to help fetch me some new reindeer because you know why? Why Rudolph never got desexed His big red shiny nose. It blinded me every time I tried to get him to the vet So what happened was it this is he never got desexed. He's he's actually a girl and so he's been bleeding his heat blood all over all over my my pastrami stand and and so I Need you guys to help me replace Rudolph with a less in heat reindeer Yeah, well, why don't we go to the North Pole? We find him a new reindeer meet actual Santa Claus bring it back and then we can get rid of Rudolph who's on heat. Rudolph is on heat heat for reindeer's lasts about six months.
So it's a whole lot of blood. That's disgusting That's fucking disgusting.
All right, Sandin Clon. Have fun working at your deli. See you guys later.
Go on time Say hello to Santa Claus for me. Yeah, we will Santa. Sandin Clam. No, you're not cunt you're coming with us All right, let's go and visit Santa Claus. And how do we get to the North Pole this stairs? Of course, let's go down them What did I just see you push him down the stairs Ho-ho-ho. What are you boys? Just do Santa Claus. Hey, there you go. And it's me Santa I noticed that you've just killed someone in front of me.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
Here's the South Pole elf We don't like them Up here in the North Pole. We're very very stringent on who we allow in and out So have you boys got your passports? Who do you allow in? We don't allow in any southerners or middlers as we call them Northerners only. You guys are from the South Pole.
I just got to go talk to Connor here. Sure.
I'll just go stand over here clean up some reindeer What if we say we're North elves? We're like Oh, I know how to prove I'm an elf. Excuse me I don't have my passport, but I just wanted to say that I'm actually a North Pole elf You can tell cause I'm quite short. You are very short.
And the other thing I'd like to bring up Is that I fucking hate the south.
You're in What's your elf name mate? I mean your name.
Connor.
Yeah, that's a very elfy name What's your name mate? And are you are you also an elf? You're quite tall.
No, I'm not an elf I'm just a tourist here, but I'm from where I could from the north I'm just a bit further like just a little bit more north I don't think he's from the North Santa. I'm definitely from the north. You got a funny accent mate. What town are you from? I'm Northey town.
Oh Welcome aboard. Come on in. Thank you. That was a close one.
Yeah, Northey town's just up the road. My mum's from there What do you know in Northey town?
I know Santa Claus' mum Look Santa, the reason we're here is because we are actually in the market For one of your reindeer. Now, I don't want to sound too grotesque, but he wants to fuck it So we're looking for a reindeer that won't breed because I don't personally feel comfortable with this man here This northerner tourist from Northey town. I think that's what was called. Yeah Having sex with an animal or someone posing as an animal. You disgust me. Yeah, he's quite Okay, so I would just like to bring up I would like the reindeer And this time the reason is I want to fuck it. As a good elf yourself, you know Yeah, and I mean for him it's like a kink thing and for me, it's just like it's an elf thing Yeah, you know like if I don't if you know, you know What happens if I don't have sex with the reindeer? Elves they grow they grow if they don't have sex with the reindeer So that's why that's why I've got about 500 in the pen back here of desexed reindeer.
It's ready to go So you can just pick out one you like I've got three here. Do you have three?
Sorry, I'm just looking at the reindeer here Do you I don't know how to put this without sounding rude and I want this sale to go through But I'm just wondering if you have any reindeer that aren't pumped full of elf cummies That's gonna be odd. It's gonna be hard sell Definitely like talking reindeer may be like reindeer that are too magical or too annoying that you don't you know Fuck or like let your elves fuck some sort of like a discount.
Yeah bin bargain bin Anything similar to that all the land feel that back. Yeah Squeeze on in here.
Do you have one maybe that talks a lot? Oh, I'm gonna go check around the corner for a reindeer See it's me dancer dancer Yeah, not well she she bit she bit someone and I'm unfortunately the vets taken her down yeah, so It's really just me out here. It's pretty lonely.
But um, you know what? Time so let's fucking get into it. Hey, who's this one? I'm Elias. Yeah, where are you from? Huh? I know the town You know that the magical pumpkin man that lives on Fifth Avenue, you know him down in it. Yeah. Yeah What was his name? Frank Can I tell you something yeah, what is it dancer There's no Fifth Avenue, there is no magical pumpkin man looks like we got ourselves a fucking outside Hey Mike, can I tell you something?
Do you like the look of these cuz um, I'm feeling a little horny I'm actually I kind of do like to look at Get him away to answer. Yeah, you just go around the corner and get the taxidermist. Yeah, mate. I'll get it No, no, no, there's that look there's no need for any of us here You wanted a reindeer Fucking crops and you fucking thing that this reindeer is gonna come home with you mate You're not eating from here dog please Just come with me. Well, what do you fucking want me to do mate? Love me. This cunts got me on a leash He's got elves coming down here pumping me full of cummies. Hey, it's me one of the elves Oh, you know the hearing was going on with you guys and I reckon there's a man Yeah, if I'm up from Northey town There is what you could offer your services to another there is a man called. Yeah, it's standing clawing. Yeah. What about him, man? He's looking for another another reindeer.
Oh, yeah, could you go into explicit detail about why? Rudolph's on heat. Oh What do you mean well It's just that The blood it's just leaking all over the best run machine. Yeah, bro. Why'd you fucking go in a day? I run on your back. Yeah get on. Yeah stand on it like a surfboard. Well, that's how I fly Whoa, oh, this is sick, bro, and we're back In the back in middle middle middle hemisphere, yeah, and this is Rudolph here is it is Rudolph Wow, you might notice I've I've killed her in expectation that you boys would come back here with When I look I was quite disgusted hearing about why I'm here, but let me just say that is That is a lot of discharge Thanks for watching another episode of the crack and roll podcast Merry Christmas everyone.
You're a bunch of um, I reindeer on heat Hey we We are on the patreon go to the patreon and you get an exclusive podcast that you can vote on right now We're about the film day day care Yeah, bye bye me out here, it's pretty lonely but um, you know what You know that the magical pumpkin man that lives on Fifth Avenue, you know him down in it, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, what was his name? Frank Frank Can I tell you something yeah, what is it down so There's no Fifth Avenue. There is no magical pumpkin man. Looks like we got ourselves a fucking outside No, you know what we do to outsiders.
Hi Mike. Can I tell you something? Do you like the look of these? Cuz um, I'm feeling a little horny. Actually, I kind of do like Get him away to answer.
Yeah, man, you just go around the corner and get the taxidermist. Yeah, I'll get a taxi Look there's no need for any of us here.
Well, you wanted a reindeer Fucking crops and you fucking thing that this reindeer is gonna come on with you mate. You're not even from dog, please Just come with me. Well, what do you fucking want me to do mate? Love me this cunts got me on a leash He's got elves coming down here pumping me full of cummies. Hey, it's me one of the elves Over here was going on with you guys and I'm up from Norley Town There is what you could offer your services to enough.
There is a man called. Yeah, it's sand and corn. Yeah.
What about him, man? He's looking for another another reindeer, oh, yeah, could you go into explicit detail about why Rudolph's on heat?
What do you mean well It's just that The blood it's just leaking all over the strum machine Why'd you fucking go in a day?
I Run on your back. Yeah get on. Yeah stand on it like a surfboard. Well, that's how I fly Whoa, oh, this is sick, bro, and we're back Back in middle middle middle hemisphere.
Yeah, and this is Rudolph here. Is it? Yes Rudolph Wow, you might notice I've I've killed her in expectation that you boys would come back here with When I look I was quite disgusted we're hearing about why I'm here, but let me just say that is That is a lot of discharge Thanks for watching another episode of the crack and roll podcast Merry Christmas everyone. You're a bunch of um, I reindeer on heat Hey we We are on the patreon go to the patreon and you get an exclusive podcast you can vote on right now We're about the film day day care Bye |
SaturdayNightLive | nightclub_line_snl | Oh, my God, come on in. What?
Man, I love working at the club, Man. everybody loves us. we got the power. But remember, Ruby, when you got the power, you got the responsibility.
Well, that's Spider-man. Yeah, Ruby, that's right. like a Spider-man, Ruby, Yeah.
But remember, when you say no to the people, you got to be nice. you got to let them down. Easy. So they leave, but they no cry.
Yes, Ruby! that's right, Ruby. you're so smart, Ruby. Okay, who's next? come on, Mama. it's come on in. Hi. Oh, my God. you look amazing, Mama. you look like a Camaron Diaz. Ah, Gracias Mi Amigo. Okay, okay. just say thank you next time, Okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? you let my friend in? now I'm not good enough?
No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm trying to tell you something. I'm trying to tell you something.
Okay, do you know what to do, Ruby? be nice. So, do you know when one bird is beautiful? like a blue bird or like a flamingo? Yeah? you are an ugly person.
No, Ruby! Ruby! No, Ruby. you said that to her. now she's going to be sad, Ruby.
Oh, my God, Mama. you go in and you get a bottle on me. Oh, wow. thank you. Yes, a bottle of Bud Light. Enjoy. I was trying to tell you something. I know, Ruby. I know. it's not easy to be a Spider-man. Okay, next, please. Hey, my girlfriend's already in there. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. hey, hey, hey, hey. hey, hey, hey. hey, hey, hey, Ruby, Ruby, Watch this. Watch this. listen to how nice I'm going to be, Okay?
My friend, imagine that you're getting married, right? Oh, wow. congratulations. it's not real, Ruby. Okay, okay, imagine me and Ruby, we show up to your wedding, right? we're wearing chore, flip-flops, and no chair.
Oh, I didn't realize my clothes were so bad. No, no, no, no. listen, listen, listen, listen.
I've got to tell you something.
You know when there's a garage full of cars and like a Lamborghini with a Ferrari.
Uh, yeah? you are like an ugly person. Ruby! Ruby! come on, man. can you just, like, ask the manager or something? My girlfriend's literally in there. Yes, I'm going to talk to you in one second. Give me one second. hey, man, I saw you. I'll call you ugly person. Yeah, it's fine. I just said that because I'm like a smart man. Oh, cool. so can I go in? No, you're too ugly.
All right, fine. hey, hey, congratulations on the wedding. hey, hey, hey. where'd he go? Ruby! What happened, man? you make him leave, man? no. now that guy, the white guy, he's going to leave a bad review on Yelp. And he's going to, in human relation, public groups, horse, head bro. Hey! Ruby! oh, darling! come on, man. look at this line, man. you're talking to everybody for too long.
I'm not bossed by Alefe. Are you mad at us?
No, no, no, no, No, no, no. I tried to tell you something. I tried to tell you something. you know when you hire two guys to let people into the club, but they keep talking and met a horse, and they don't let anybody into the club? What are you trying to say, boss? Oh, we fire. he's trying to fire us. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Listen, listen, listen, listen. I tried to tell you something.
Yes, you fight. No! |
dropout | the_truth_about_football | It's been called the greatest rivalry in all of sports, two of the most legendary teams in college football, Ohio State and Michigan, known simply as The Game. Welcome to College Game Day, I'm Dandy Dib with me as always as Chuck Puber.
Chuck, what can we expect to see this afternoon? Dandy, I'll be honest with you, I clicked a link last night and ended up spending about five hours reading articles on how bad football is for the body. I tried to end up doing the show today based on my moral revulsion, but the producer said I had to come in. We see all of that, but what can we expect to see from the game, that's what our viewers want to know. Brutality, Dandy, what else? These boys, so so young, don't yet realize the terror we'll tell this game will take on their minds, their bodies, and their futures.
Well, that's a bit of an overstatement there Chuck. We all acknowledge that college football is a rough sport, but it's one with a proud history. So does you. We've been doing all sorts of horrible things for more than 100 years, American history is a labyrinth of nightmares. They're not a fair parallel.
I want to show you a piece of footage, this is a clip from the movie Concussion. But Chuck, we certainly don't have the rights to show that at all. I don't care! Movie blows this whole thing wide open, did people just not see this? Will Smith was in it.
Hey, let's move on, thank you very much Chuck for a look at the starting match up to his Mike bike. Mike, will the Wolverines be able to overcome Dwayne Haskins passing game? What do you think? Andy, Chuck emailed me an article about brain injuries of dead football players and I can't seem to think about anything else. We don't need to, Mike. Take a look at this. When a football player makes a head first hit, his brain suspended in fluid keeps moving until it makes impact with the skull. Football turns a boy's own bones into weapons. We could just skip that one. Mike, I got a question for you.
Can you believe how young these boys are? I know Chuck. They look like men, but they're really just boys.
These athletes chose to play football. This is a game. They enjoy playing this game, no one forced them into it.
I believe it was Anatole France who once said that the law and its majestic equality forbids the rich and poor alike from sleeping under bridges, stealing loaves of bread and begging in the streets. His point there being that choice is part of a social construct. Social pressure can be subtle, but it is in fact, impossibly strong. God, that must have been one hell of a Wikipedia hole you went down so. I'm awake and I'm not going back to sleep. And is the choice between abject poverty and bodily harm really any choice at all?
Okay, so look at the coaching strategy for today. Let's go down to the field. Talk to Gina Jeans. Gina, how do things look in the shoe?
Dandy, this is a beautiful stadium and was recently renovated to fit 105,000 fans. God what a beaut, right? Think of all the ways a school, a school could have used that money.
Gina, did Chuck email you? Yes, he did. Well, we want to go back to talking about the coaches. Absolutely.
Ohio State's coach Urban Meyer is paid over $6 million a year. His opponent today, Jim Harbaugh, is paid $9 million.
Picture that the next time you see students who can't afford textbooks. Also, Urban knew. He knew the whole time.
Folks, I'm just going to go ahead and say we need to get this back on track. We're here to talk about the game.
Gina, in Matthew 19-24, we are told by Christ that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Given that, do you think these two coaches are going to get sucked straight into hell when they die? Or is it more likely given all the injustice in the world that there is no God?
We can talk about this some other time, Chuck. Better question, how are they handling the fact that those boys are getting paid what exactly Gina? No, they don't see a penny, Chuck. They make nothing. Insanity. We'll talk about this in a very special class. The owning class in this country only profits at the expense of the working class.
Look, everyone, this is a fun rivalry, right? College football. Okay, yes, Chuck. College football isn't perfect, right? But it's a good 100% all-American tradition. Absolutely, Dandy.
Wealthy people profiting off the physical misery of mostly minorities. What could be more all-American than that? Why do you have such a problem staring into the demons that have plagued this country?
I like it, okay? I like football. It's mine, and I like it. And I'm not about to just give it up, because what did you - did you write CTE on my face? What is that? You bet I did, Dandy.
It's the brain disease that almost every dead football player has. It literally drives them insane.
Oh, okay. Horrifying. No, but you know what? I think it's time. We're going to go to commercial here, so we'll be right back with an evening preview of Penn State. Penn State? Uh-huh.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry. Guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can, like, I can see the top of the camera, so it's - is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
ClickHole | these_people_were_at_woodstock_in_1969_and_their_stories_are_incredible | One second I'm in my mother's uterus, the next I'm on stage and John Fogerty is snipping my umbilical cord with a guitar pick while strumming the opening bit from Bad Moon Rising. Woodstock was a wild time. I was just 18 when I went to Woodstock in 1969 and it was the best three days of my life.
There were at least 200,000 people there. Every one of those people had someone on their shoulders. That made it around 400,000. I hitchhiked 16 hours just to be there.
I mean, the lineup had Carlos Santana, the Grateful Dead, a beached whale that had washed up on stage. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, The Who, a decent The Who cover band. Janis Joplin, the man with the world's longest fingernails, and a traveling performer named the Incredible Birthing Woman who gave birth to me live on stage. It was incredible. The performance I remember the most was probably Carlos Santana. He played a few songs, then stopped abruptly and dropped his guitar.
After a quick pause, he whispered, it's climb time and started climbing up the scaffolding. No one could get him to climb down. He's still up there.
Honestly, you could do anything at Woodstock. Nothing was too taboo.
You could have sex in a river like a fish would. First I'd get naked like a fish, then I'd go in the river to have sex like a fish. I had sex like a fish, then swam upriver to spawn.
That was Woodstock. You could murder at Woodstock, so long as you went in the designated murder tent. I was still in utero during the first two days of Woodstock, but by the beginning of the third day I'd finally been born, so I got to see Jimi Hendrix close out the festival. At the time, I didn't know Woodstock would change the world forever. Really, that was the first music festival. It was where Janis Joplin discovered the polio vaccine and where Carlos Santana climbed the scaffolding and never came down. I had sex like a fish at Woodstock and had a great time. |
cracked | psas_that_taught_more_than_they_ever_intended_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to episode stooge of does not compute where we like to think of the internet as our own personal playground Insofar as most things adults do there are creepy or illegal I'm your host master shake and my guest this week is YouTube conspiracy theorist gorilla 199 Thanks for being here gorilla. No one has been to the moon Because God said sure although we're more of a comedy show. Do you know any jokes?
Why did the Freemason cross the road?
So that guy was crazy, huh? I mean Freemasons and Nephilim ridiculous satana Ka'am wa Sorry something my throat today's topic is PSAs that taught more than they ever intended Public service announcements are like the bran of television if bran occasionally reminded you not to do math in the most horrifying way possible So when you chance upon one, that's really enlightening. It's like spotting a double rainbow Although remember if you see a real double rainbow report it immediately because as we all know one never knows when the homosexual is about It's true. You can't know how sometimes you can but remember children when fleeing from a homosexual Try not to rip through chain-link fences and then huddle in a large group on train tracks until the train comes by and crushes your little bird Bones the British children in the 70s really need to be told not to get hit by trains No wonder they lost the Empire although according to the video description this whole PSA is just a schoolboy's daydream But what kind of schoolboy daydreams about his friends getting hit by a train it'd be better If you didn't ask these questions, hey, whatever happened to that kid and heaven is out a spice spoiler alert the PSA I'm about to show you contains a major clue regarding the lost series finale and what you don't know about me Are the things I do to your kid when nobody's looking Oh Bernard not you Rose is gonna be crushed, but that's not even the most tragic part and what you don't see are the really fun games I make your kid play after practice. That's right. Then Linus was a pedophile the whole time And you know what the clues were there the next two weeks Going to be very unpleasant Really weird choice though just having the characters reveal plot information directly to camera like that So the four-toed statue was aliens Vincent was actually Ben in disguise and Jack's tattoo was a map to the treasure Now the reason Walt aged so quickly, you know That's not the only PSA to shed some light on a beloved TV character She and I want to talk to you about something that's very personal your buddy. I'm gonna be honest I don't totally get what's going on there. Pee-wee explanation This is crack. Hey, I told you to stop coming around here with that stuff Clippy's gone and I don't use anymore. It's crack rock cocaine the most addictive form no means No, Clint besides last time I bought from you I ended up hallucinating a bunch of hideous monkey face children on bicycles while the guy from Rocky and Bullwink Don't they rated just or wait. Maybe that was this PSA.
I'm about to show just one signal You know, honestly if the point of this 15 minute snuff film is to convince me not to ride my bike in the street Mission accomplished because I am never leaving my house again truly horrifying I mean there was only one bangable chick in that whole video. Let's just hope she's not the title character God, that must have been a hell of a pitch meeting and Q sketch So we've got a bunch of extras left over from the Twilight Zone shoot and we're 15 minutes short of fulfilling our education requirement I say we put them on bikes and we send them to the park But we pick them off one at a time until by the end There's no one left but a single friend less human child. What one got fast. It's about bike safety What are you even talking about?
This is crack rock soul. Oh crazy Well, that about does it for this week, I'd like to thank Gorilla 199 for being batshit insane I've been your host droid Michael Swain and this has been does not compute. Allow me to show you out I'll look for him now |
cracked | 4_star_trek_storylines_way_nastier_than_you_remember_canonball | Isaac Asimov's original Star Trek series opens with a narration about how the port of the show is to explore strange new worlds and to boldly go where no man has gone before. That being said, Star Trek also occasionally liked to remind audiences that there were strange new worlds that man had never before ventured into for very good reasons. And in this episode, we're taking a look at the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable ideas and stories that actually made it into Frank Herbert's Star Trek.
This is Cannonball. Number four, the Enterprise's doctor gets addicted to ghost sex. Paul Verhoeven's Star Trek The Next Generation is mostly remembered today as the series that kicked the franchise into higher gear with more complex stories, more drama, and more profound philosophical questions about things like the nature of sentience, or the very definition of life. But what people tend to forget is that The Next Generation was also horny as hell. He knew exactly how I liked to be touched. For example, The Next Generation is the series that introduced Ryza, the planet of fucking, where the constantly horny natives are always willing and ready to beam down on your bathing suit area.
Do you see Chamorro? I don't even know what it means.
But the horniest episode of The Next Generation, and therefore possibly all of Star Trek, has nothing to do with Ryza, and instead takes place in... space Scotland. In the season 4 episode Sub Rosa, we find out that there's a human colony that recreated the Scottish countryside in a far-off planet, where the grandmother of the Enterprise's doctor spent her last days.
Dr. Beverly Crusher, together with the rest of the main crew, visits the colony for her granny's funeral, only to find out from her journals that, despite living to be a hundred, the old gal had a 34-year-old bone buddy named Ronan. Spotting him at the funeral, Dr. Crusher is instantly taken with Ronan, and clearly wants him to crush her... sexually. I was about to be initiated into a very unusual relationship. She isn't even put off by the fact that this guy used to bang her grandmother, the woman who raised her after her mother's death. You might call it a family tradition. And if the thought of becoming pogo sisters with her dead mother figure didn't discourage Beverly, then nothing would.
Well, what's... what's happening to me?
Not even Ronan claiming to be a ghost. In the 17th century, who's been Patrick Swayze-ing the women of Dr. Crusher's family for over 800 years. Luckily for Beverly, there's no such thing as ghost herpes.
This sounds very strange, doesn't it? Immediately upon experiencing ghost sex, she cannot get enough. She literally becomes addicted to having the ghost, quote, We're becoming one, Beverly. To summon Ronan, Dr. Crusher must light a special candle, and when she does, she gets all jittery, impatient, and irritable, like a heroin addict, trying to cook their next injection on a rusty spoon.
In the end, Dr. Crusher even resigns her commission to move to space, Scotland, and get poltergeist until her dying days. Beverly's ghost B.F. was mostly made up of energy, only occasionally becoming corporeal, making the sex between a woman and her dead grandmother's dead ex less creepy, apparently. In the end, though, the Enterprise crew figures out that Ronan is actually an anaphasic alien who needs biological creatures to become a real boy. When can I leave to be on my own? And the women in Dr. Crusher's family had the most compatible biochemistry to his ghost DNA, or whatever. That's why it was possible for Ronan to perform alien ghost necrophilia by entering Beverly's granny and puppeteering her corpse in order to stop the Enterprise crew from getting rid of him. In the end, Dr. Crusher, of course, breaks free from the spell of Ronan's alien ghost dong, and ends the episode with a comment about how, all things considered, he wasn't such a bad guy because he gave the 100-year-old woman plenty of orgasms in her final days.
And I think that's a lesson we can all take to heart.
Number three, Klingons have dual ding-dongs. There is much to discuss. The Klingon race has gone through a lot of changes throughout the history of Star Trek. Klingons!
Originally looking like ancient Mongols and acting like Cold War era Russians because, well, they were originally villains conceived during the Cold War. We're nothing like you. We're a democratic body. They eventually evolved into ridge-far-headed warriors, obsessed with honor and glory, and using the most impractical weapon since the Chainsaw Boomerang.
Their latest incarnation comes from the 2017 series Star Trek Discovery. Despite being very different from the Klingons in the original series or the next generation, mainly because their bone-like armor makes them look like they go clothes shopping in graveyards, the Discovery Klingons don't actually ignore what previous shows set up. Instead, they take it to its logical, horrifying conclusion. To understand what I mean, we'll have to go back to the 1992, the next generation episode, Ethics. In Ethics, the Klingon Wharf gets seriously injured, allowing the show to give viewers a lesson in Klingon anatomy. Through the ship's doctor, we learn that the Klingon body is, quote, over-designed and full of redundancies, like two livers and four lungs, undoubtedly a product of evolution for a species that flirts by, also, quote, jumping on each other like a pair of crazed voles. And if you're already thinking what I know you're thinking, just know that you're not the first person to think it. Ever since Ethics first aired, Star Trek fans have been asking the same question. If Klingon anatomy has double everything, does that mean that male Klingons have two penises? Or klingdongs, if you will? In 2018, we've finally got an answer. In the Season 1 finale of Star Trek Discover, a group of characters is walking through the Klingon capital when they pass a Klingon, relieving himself in an alley, producing two streams. Two of Discovery's writers confirmed on a Star Trek podcast that this was exactly what it looked like. So now, the penal duality of Klingons is a permanent part of the Trekverse. The episode also inadvertently implies that Klingon pants don't feature zippers because the risk of snags is doubled with their species.
Number two, a slug that uses horniness as a defense mechanism. The 2001 to 2005 Enterprise series by James Cameron was meant to take Star Trek back to where it all began, the first interstellar Enterprise starship, captained by Jonathan Archer, played by Scott Bakula. Archer's crew had to face a lot of challenges like limited engine and weapon capabilities, a rudimentary matter synthesizer, and a lack of universal translator. Lucky for them, they came into contact with many telepathic alien races. Uncomfortably for us, one of them was a species of giant slugs that, when cornered and desperate, resorted to, making people around them horny in order to survive. In the Season 1 episode Rogue Planet, the Enterprise crew finds a planet that has broken away from the orbit around its sun, but didn't freeze over due to the hot gases venting from its interior. The humans also find a race of aliens, called the Eska, who use the Rogue Planet as a safari hunting ground. Their most prized prey? The giant wraith slug. Now, at this point in the future, humanity no longer hunted or ate animals, but the Enterprise crew still hung around the Eska to get to know them and their planet better.
Then, Bakula starts getting visions of a beautiful human woman in a nightgown, feeling his quantum leap inside his pants. I can touch you. Bakula spends most of the episode trying to find the mystery woman, succeeding a few times, but always ending with her disappearing. Finally, she reveals to him who she really is.
She's a wraith slug, who can apparently shape-shift into anything. We can become whatever you see, a tree, an animal, water, whatever you see. Combine that with the Eska being able to detect the slug's chemical signature, and you end up with a lot of dead wraiths.
So, in their desperation, the species decided to telepathically reach into Bakula's mind and pull out his vision of a perfect woman, which he created after reading a Yates poem as a younger man. The wraiths felt that this was the only way to get his help. All they had to do was ask, but their first instinct is to find out what tightens the strings on Archer's bow, suggesting that this is their innate defense mechanism. When they can't hide from or reason with a predator like the Eska, they put on a little lipstick and present themselves in a flimsy negligee to a potential protector, and then kind of hide behind that guy's boner. Near the end of the episode, the woman taken literally from Archer's wet dreams touches him seductively and thanks him for saving her and other slugs from the hunters, telling him to never stop chasing the unobtainable. Then, she changes back into a slug, leaving Archer with the most problematic boner of his long journey so far. Humans will eventually evolve into fat lizards.
In the 1995-2001 series Star Trek Voyager, the crew of the titular starship gets flung to the other side of the galaxy, about 70,000 light years from Earth. Even at maximum speed, their return journey would take them about 75 years, so the bulk of the show was the crew of the Voyager, trying to not get killed by unfamiliar alien races. Who are you people, and what is that thing in your pants? While looking for a quicker way back home. The crew also takes in an alien named Neelix, who looks and acts like the bastard lovechild of a troll doll and Jar Jar Binks.
Wow! Possibly to give the crew additional motivation to get back home as quickly as possible. That's a Starfleet expression for get out. And in the season two episode Threshold, it looks like they're about to succeed. In the world of Ray Bradbury's Star Trek, the speed of faster-than-light starships is measured in warps, with Warp 10 being the theoretical maximum that any object could travel. The episode explains that if you were to go beyond Warp 10, you'd occupy every point in the universe at the same time. So that means very fast. So naturally, in Threshold, it only takes a one-minute chat with Neelix for the Voyager engineers to figure out how to go past Warp 10, because it cannot be overstated how much they all wanted to get away from that guy.
I'll try to contain my disappointment. To test out this new technology, the Voyager equips a shuttle with a trans-Warp 10 engine, takes their pilot Tom Parris in it, and lets her rip. And it works! Parris succeeds in going all Spinal Tap, and achieves 11 speed, disappearing from all the scanners and then returning to his starting point. But something's...wrong. Occupying every point in space at the same time seems to have had...consequences on Parris' human body.
He becomes allergic to water, can't breathe normal air, grows a second heart and a bunch of other organs, and slowly starts to anamorph into a human lizard. The saddest part of his transformation is that, despite being made on a 1996 television budget, the lizard effects still look way better than anything in The Amazing Spider-Man. The ship's computer doctor eventually figures out that going really, really fast has accelerated Parris' evolution. The changes in his biochemistry, losing some organs while gaining new ones, and an apparent boost in intelligence were all apparently things that the human race will experience over the next few million years. But because going beyond Warp 10 is like using the Warp Zone from Super Mario, Parris skipped to the end of the line to become the final stage of human evolution. A fat, salamander-ass swamp lizard. But first he kidnaps Captain Janeway, injects her with trans-Warp 10 speed, and turns her into a fellow future lizard human.
It takes the Voyager three days to find them on some distant planet, by which time the pair had already mated and produced offspring. Offspring that the crew of the Voyager decides to just leave in the swamp and pretend like they never existed. Like what we did with Offspring the band. Back on the ship, the holographic doctor finds a way to return Janeway and Parris to human form, after which the two were probably never able to make eye contact while passing each other in the halls.
Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe and let us know about the hottest canonical ghost sex or perhaps the most elderly orgasm in your franchise of choice. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_whiners_on_an_airplane_saturday_night_live | Thank you. there's probably no more good magazines left. there are seat numbers. 32, B and C. Oh, here they are, honey.
Oh, I wanted to sit in the no smoking section. excuse me. we're Doug and Wendy Winers. Well, how are you? we're allergic. Oh, I'm sorry. to smoke! we're allergic to smoke. All right, I won't smoke.
Oh, thank you. excuse me, ma'am, you'll have to store your package beneath the seat in front of you. but it'll stick out and I won't have any- sir, could you store it beneath the seat in front of you? Yeah, but my legs are longer than hers. I'll put it under my seat. be careful! it's Blue Willow china. would you turn your hair a bit off? Oh, but mine is off. Oh, but then why do I feel a draft? All right, I'll turn mine off. be careful of the china! Okay, I won't kick the Trina. don't worry about it. it's still cold! Stewardess! can I have a pillow?
Thank you! would anybody like a headset? Yes! mine isn't working! Me neither! I can't hear a thing! excuse me, sir! excuse me, sir! excuse me! What? our headsets aren't working!
Well, you have to plug them in here! Well, don't kick the china! All right, I won't kick the china. just let me put- here. give me this. plug it in.
Oh, thank you. kiss the day goodbye. point me towards tomorrow. wish me luck. ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to announce that today's flight has been overbooked. at this time, we are asking for volunteers to give off their seats. Yes, please! have a chat and a later flight. we're sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you.
Be- be careful of the China! mmm. more gas! Is it springtime? it's raining! Be careful of the rain! |
dropout | i_wore_makeup_for_a_week_and_here_s_what_happened | Okay, so here's the deal. The other day Emily was complaining about how annoying it is to wear makeup, and I was saying I didn't think it was that big a deal. One thing led to another, and basically I agreed to wear makeup for a whole work week. So here we go. This is day one. It was just a little bit of makeup, but I was suddenly getting a lot of attention from both men and women. Morning guys. Trapp, what are you doing? Doing the same thing women do every day.
Wow. No wow. Yeah, don't say wow.
Of course, some of the guys gave me a little bit of ribbing when they saw me. I mean, I'm wearing makeup, but you know, I think I got through to them. Fuck you. Yeah. You know, I've been overweight for a lot of my life, and it kind of makes you invisible, but with makeup on, I'm in the spotlight.
And maybe it's just I'm acting differently because I know something's different, but I don't think so. I don't think so.
Okay. So it's 4.30 in the morning, and I am just about to start on my routine here. Usually I get up at like 8.30, roll out, take a quick shower, but I just need a lot more time now that I'm wearing all this makeup. I mean, look at all this stuff. It's just like eyeliner and whatever this is, orange pancake makeup and fangs. All this stuff just so you can fit in with how society says you should look. This experiment is really teaching me a lot of very obvious things about gender inequality, and I can't wait to condescendingly explain it to people, so I guess I just get started here.
I'm on my way to the makeup store. Is it called a makeup store?
That sounds weird. Like, too blunt. Anyway, I am out of orange. I thought it would last a lot longer than it did, but it only lasts me three days. Gotta buy more. This is creepy. There are so many different brands. It's a nightmare, is what it is. This eyeliner, this is $20 for just this much. This only lasts you like three days. If I were a woman, I would be broke.
Hi.
Um, can I help you with something? Yes. I am looking for a good orange paint and a latex mold if you have it, because mine's getting a little gross.
I may not have known what I was getting myself into when I started this experiment, but I know one thing for certain now. I am a very brave and progressive man for doing this. I don't want to say I'm a hero, but I hope someone else says it. Wearing makeup has given me a new respect for women. Oh, hey guys. You know, I've only been doing this makeup thing for four days, but I already feel like I understand what it's like to be a woman in America. Like, I'm one of you guys now.
How could you possibly even begin to understand what it's like to be a woman? I mean, I don't know. You know, before I started this experiment, people would never comment on my looks. They'd never say things to me like, why are you doing this? Or what do you think this proves? Or you're treating a stupid stunt like groundbreaking social science? Or who the fuck do you think you are? These are the kinds of comments women deal with every day.
Do you have any spirit gum? No, I don't.
You know, after doing this, I just feel like I understand women now. And I really think that will make them want to fuck me. This is it. Last day wearing makeup. And it's kind of crazy how quickly everyone's just sort of gotten used to this and just accepted this as my general look. At first, I was worried that they would think it was some kind of weirdo or something, which they did. But then I explained that I was just doing this as a dumb internet stunt. And then they just accepted it. I've even gotten used to how this looks. When I'm wearing my makeup, I feel pretty. I could see myself continuing to wear it after this week is over.
Like, maybe not the full everything, but a little bit now and then. I think what this video proved is that there are good things about makeup, but there are also bad things about makeup. And that many women wear it, but most men don't. It's a good thing we made this video.
And I'm a good person. Trapp is a fucking idiot. I give many fucks. Please, click. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_25_11_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. The day is Monday the 25th of November. We're recording live from Baxter Boots Studios. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate and of course Errol Parker, editor-at-large.
How are you Errol? I'm alright mate. I'm getting there. Good, good, good to hear.
And of course the news reader, as always, the Karen Williams of the Diamantina Shire, Wendell Hussey. What's in the news this week young fella? Bushfires are still in the news but there is some better news on that front with a Mid-North Coast family in emergency two-star motel after home burnt down, stoked with Stark's four-week haul. A touching story after the PM tweeted out that the Aussie cricketers would give the fire-impacted community something to cheer for. He actually was proven right. As bushfires rage, one young family, their entire house was lost and they're now living in a shitty motel.
But they really, really did have something to cheer for as the boys in baggy greens bullied the visiting subcontinental side. Yes and congratulations to David Warner for scoring a big time on a flat track. You're back. You're back Davey. Return of the King and Nick Hebros commented on that story with an interesting point. He said, given the choice between a strong government policy response to the fires and seeing our boys flat track bludgeon a visiting subcontinental team ill-equipped for the conditions, I know which one I would pick. Cricket emoji, cricket emoji.
Back home in town now and local groom-to-be would honestly be fine with Viennetta as the cake. Yes, that's a very typical man thing to say Wendell isn't it? After months of cake tasting, suit fittings and location scouting, a local man named Mark said he would honestly be fine with getting married in a tent and serving up the popular upper middle class Australian dessert to their guests.
A Coles Madeira cake was also tossed up, but that was knocked on the head too. As well as other cost cutting measures like pigeons instead of doves.
Now in some other local news from around the Diamantina Shire, a woman with self-diagnosed internal bleeding relieved to remember last night's beetroot salad. Yes, local woman Ellie Redbog was preparing to get her affairs in order after receiving a near terminal self-diagnosis. It was a big big scare from the beetroots after about 43 minutes of basically thinking about where she was going to move her money to and who she was going to leave before. She remembered last night's beetroot salad. Well maybe if she did the at home bowel cancer check where you have to shit into a bag and then you've got to put that bag in the mail, that might have led to a more accurate diagnosis, which everyone should do once they get over 50. She was also going to send her dog to live with her parents after the crimson hue appeared in her stool before realising what the cause of the defecation was.
Yes, a truly charming story. And from one distressed local to another, local woman now accountable for her actions after Mercury Retrograde wraps up. Now you're a millennial, can you explain what Mercury Retrograde is to our listeners? I miss this. I initially thought it was just a sports drink, but apparently it's nothing to do with Mercury going backwards, east to west or west to east or something like that. I'll have to get this up here. Retrograde occurs when Mercury, the closest planet to the sun, appears to move backwards as it passes the sun, which is just an optical illusion. But the nation's purple haired aunties are now a growing community of technology-obsessed millennials believe that this is the purest form of astrology and very likely to affect your moods. You're right, well I thought it was something you believe in just before your brain gets to the Chris Benoit level of fucked. No, it's more and more popular. The hysteria surrounding Mercury Retrograde comes from the idea that the gravitational pull from the planet closest to the sun influences the water in our bodies in the same way that the moon controls the tides, but it's over now, which is a relief for many and this local woman, Mia Dotty, is now responsible for her own actions. No more missing flights, losing keys and pointlessly fighting with her mum and sisters.
And in sports news now, Gaba Curator drops in section of Vulture Street into pitch ahead of first test. Yes, and for those listeners who don't know what Vulture Street is, it is arguably the most important street in Brisbane. It dissects it and of course a lot of cars on the road means a very hard road and curators, they wanted a pitch that was both going to score runs and going to produce a lot of wickets, which it did. So hats off to the curator and I hope that the people of Brisbane get their section of road back. Because a lot of people were actually confused by the article, some thought that maybe the curator was dropping in the 2003 Powderfinger album into the pitch.
Cracks would have been opening up before day four if that was the case. Anyway, that's all I've got here for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to join us again next time for your weekly dose of honest and hard-hitting regional news.
Until then, I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Cladsey Overall. And I'm Errol Parker.
We should kick Victoria out of the Commonwealth. |
dropout | baristas_are_the_ultimate_male_fantasy | Oh, Mark, as your best man, it is my duty to make sure that this bachelor party is crazy. Which is why I got you... What can I get for you?
You think I should go talk to her? Hi, how's it going? Can I have a coffee, please? Coffee?
Come on, you wouldn't ask Picasso to paint your shingles.
Give me something to work with. Oh, I can't tell, she's flirting with me. It's always vain.
Okay, yeah, I'll have a latte then. All right. Don't you need my name or...?
I remember you from last time. Whoa, whoa. Straight up, this is my favorite band. You guys have so much in common. I can't, dude. It's so weird how we just keep making eye contact.
Oh! She's just here to put herself through grad school. Dude, I hope you're ready to get your lap warm. What, my knee, my... No! Seriously, seriously!
Come on, work on your screenplay, man. Work on your screenplay.
I like your shirt. Zombies are so cool. Oh, yeah.
I don't normally believe in fate, except with baristas. She is being way nicer than a cute girl usually would be. Yeah, and I bet you it has nothing to do with the fact that she works in the service industry.
No, no, come on. You should ask her out. Yes, yes. You're not gonna ask her out. Once more, second, happy and you get humiliated and you can't come back to this cafe. All right, yeah.
That's a risk I'm willing to take. That's my boy. You can take the risk. She let me down gently. She has a boyfriend. It's too easy. |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_6 | Last time, on Street Fighter the Later Years... Sir? Sir, you cannot come in here! The tournament is in three days, so we can't afford the lolligat! Baby, let's go! Is that Blanca? It's my boyfriend. Sonic, fuck it! Yoga Nuggie!
All right!
Gentlemen, save it for the ring! Cannon Zangief, you're next! Ready? Fight? Bison, I hear you're having a tournament.
Blanca and I would hate to be left out. We didn't think we'd be seeing you or Blanca, but you're welcome to compete. Why don't you stay for our practice? Shake off some of that rust. No, thanks.
I'm sure Ken here needs time to work on his invisible fireball. What's that supposed to mean? You know. Your new special move? The one that no one can see? Hadouken! Excuse me? What? Seems as though your Hadouken is more like a...
Hadouken't. Don't, Ken. No, Ken, do Ken.
All right, all right, all right. Fine, I get it. We'll see you at the tournament. Ladies?
Fuck him. Fuck you! Shit! Oh my God! You're fucked, man!
I'm sorry, I'm... Ken? Ryan? Oh! |
cracked | romance_explained_by_the_horrors_of_space | Glad you came out tonight Well, you don't seem great It's true. It's true. You did say fine. I said great.
You didn't say great you did You know that there's a planet up there Yes, the planet I'm talking about is made entirely of diamond started out as this Enormous ball of carbon and a pulsar the pressure from it next door squeezed it into a diamond It's I mean it's kind of amazing though that something so cold and distant can Transforming something beautiful, and I obviously Can't give you a planet made of diamond, but I hate metaphor You know I hate when you tell me I know stuff Okay, fine. Here's a metaphor for you a hypervelocity Basically, it's a star that escapes from its galaxy and moves at like meteor speed Millions and millions of miles per second potentially earth can be disintegrated by one of these Unfathomably fast moving balls of gas do you understand what that metaphor means? Bart's lower faster. No Something gets destroyed by something else. That's moving too fast I don't like that face There's also a thing called a rogue black hole, and it's like what you said, but you sort of can't see it coming It's like this hole sucks up everything in its path without warning. The universe is Constantly trying to kill us I mean even as we speak we're just being blasted by all of this cosmic and magnet our radiation How can we form a stable relationship with the universe itself could just like break it any minute That's like the biggest No the universe was created in a false vacuum at an energy level way too low to sustain itself Okay, the universe could literally collapse at any moment destroying literally everything Yeah it's called the vacuum metasability event and the laws of physics would mutate and the New universe would be created with better energy rules, and we are just We are hanging on by a thread Kyle. Don't laugh at me.
No, it's good. It's good terrifying. No, it's not it's not terrifying Because a universe that doesn't work still doesn't end it just mutates into something that does work That's good That's pretty okay. It's pretty good. It's pretty really good Okay, you know the galaxies Obviously, you know But because of gravity which you are also familiar with Because of that our galaxy will eventually crash into the Andromeda galaxy and a bunch of stuff will be destroyed, but All the stuff that's left start spinning around and spiral together and form a new thing and that's beautiful because No matter what universe you're talking about destruction is never an end. It's just a change You know, I love it when you tell me I know stuff that you love You know all that stuff it's pretty scary, but it's a ways away No rush. I think we'll be fine Hey guys, okay Thanks for watching the video subscribe and leave thumbs up and all that but I won't talk about a super serious thing I've heard about the other day. Have you heard this Coney fellow from the Africa's? this guy is terrible, and I Don't even know I just want you to be aware of him because I feel like that's gonna do a lot so just know there's a guy named Coney and last year 2012 is when He did something bad. I don't super understand it, but you should look it up. It's very important subscribe also cuz we're here |
SaturdayNightLive | jeopardy_saturday_night_live | Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! And let's take a look at the scores. John Travolta has negative 2,000. in a close second with negative 1,900 is Michael Keaton. And in first place with Zero is our returning champion, Burt Reynolds, who, of course, has yet to ring in. It's time now for Double Jeopardy!
And once again, for this round, contestants, I'd like to remind you, please, no cursing. let's take a look at the board. the categories are continents, theater, potpourri, potent potables, numbers, words that rhyme with dog, and finally, the Renaissance. And you know what? let's just replace that last category with shapes.
Burt Reynolds, you pick the category. Yeah, give me a theater for 10,000. theater for 600. the answer is this play by William Shakespeare was about a merchant who lived in Venice. Burt Reynolds.
Yeah, it was Footloose. Good flick, Footloose.
No. And please answer in the form of a question. John Travolta. Is this a horror flick we're talking about? Because I love horror flicks. it's not a flick at all. Ok, who framed Roger Rabbit? no. And please answer in the form of a question. that was a question. Who framed him?
Mr. Keaton.
I don't think we can accept facial expressions as an answer. Mr. Reynolds, it's your board. pick a category. I'll take the dog one. All right, words that rhyme with dog for 400. And the answer is, it's been a hard day's night.
I should be sleeping like this. Burt Reynolds. Chinese Horror. No. John Travolta. Chinese Horror doesn't rhyme with Dog. that's why it was a wrong answer. Mr. Keaton. I'm Batman.
No, you are not. And the board still belongs. What, Mr. Reynolds? I think my buzz is broke. No, it's not. you just buzzed in. No, I didn't. I think it's broke. Mr. Travolta, why don't you pick a category?
Continents for 600. And it's the Audio Daily Double. How much do you want to wager? I want to play it safe. I'll wager. Zero dollars. All right, for zero. Here's your Audio Daily Double clue.
Name this Continent. Asia. Mr. Travolta. Asia. Time has run out. The answer was Asia.
Yeah, tough luck there, buddy, huh? Okay, moving on. what is it, Mr. Reynolds? check out this guy's back. What? that's nice. you put a kick Me sign on Mr. Travolta's back. Yeah. Oh, that's good. I did it when he wasn't looking. that's very nice. Good job, Burt. tell you what, we're going to let Michael Keaton pick a category.
All right, number. see, because sometimes it helps to understand a word if we break it down. let's do that now, shall we? numb, see, if you're numb, you can't feel. See, yeah, if you're numb, you can't feel.
See, and then burr, if you're cold, that's a sound that you would make. So I guess my answer would be somebody who can't feel that they're cold. No. What is somebody who can't feel when they're cold?
No, Mr. Keaton, I know what you're trying to do. just stop. Mr. Reynolds. Yeah, I think I fixed it. my buzzer, I think I fixed it. I see.
You know what? let's just move on to Final Jeopardy with every player in negative numbers. And the category is, you know what? this is Way too hard. I'm just going to make one up. How about your favorite food? just write down whatever food you personally like most, any food you like to eat. your favorite food. keep in mind, you can't be wrong. you can even lie to me and just put down a food. Okay, and put down your pens. Mr. Travolta, let's see what you put. your favorite food is miso, a type of soup. excellent.
And your wager, horny. Me so horny. great. come on, that's hilarious.
No, it's not. Now, let's look at Mr. Reynolds' answer. check out Keaton's back. right, very funny. Yeah, he didn't know his answer. shut up. just shut up. let's see what Mr. Keaton came up with. you wrote, Val Kilmer sucks. I'm Batman. Okay, and your wager, George Clooney sucks.
Well, no one won, apparently. I won. No, you didn't. Charity. Anyway, that's it for Celebrity Jeopardy. once again, no money will be given to Charity. Seriously, I did win. No, you didn't. |
TheOnion | Manatees_I_Saw_Manatees_Gang_Rape_A_Crippled_Manatee_Once_Really_Horrifying_Planet_Ep_10 | Manatees, the sea cow. They spend their lives grazing on sea grass in the clear waters off the shores of Florida. They are large, slow, and, no joke, I saw three big ones gang rape a crippled one at Sea World one night when I was working there. The manatee is a solitary creature, drifting along in the warm, peaceful shallows. They are not usually held in a small glass enclosure, with three other male manatees held bent on the violent, forced sex that I, for real, saw with my own eyes while alone one night at Sea World, San Diego. A distant relative of the elephant, the manatee has a prehensile upper lip which it uses to gather food. It also has a large penis. Let me tell you, it's horrifying, engorged, and being thrust at a rantish, unwilling, and disabled manatee. Classified as endangered, human boaters often cause serious wounds to manatees' flippers, rendering it difficult for this one poor little rescue manatee to escape a large male manatee, intent on unwanted anal intercourse.
Manatees emit a wide range of high-pitched sounds to communicate with each other, usually during play, or presumably to call out for help from the other two manatees in the exhibit when being ravaged. The sound is heard in their small ear holes. The other two manatees did meander over, I assumed spurred by some rudimentary form of empathy to help their helpless brethren. This was incorrect. When they got there, the two manatees seriously, this actually happened, worked together to hold the crippled one firm up against the glass of the enclosure to help the first manatee finally succeed in fucking it in the ass. Let me repeat that. The two manatees, I shit you not, worked in concert to hold the crippled one against the glass, while the first one fucked him in the ass. One needed not to look in that little manatee victim's cold, soul-sapped eyes to know this was not the first time this had happened, nor would it be the last. |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_obama_vs_romney_saturday_night_live | So this November, we, the people of Ohio, are going to go to the polls and we're going to move this country forward, and now it is my distinct honor to introduce the President of the United States. I wouldn't want his job, right? Ladies and gentlemen, President Barack Obama. thank you. thank you. thank you. it's so great to be back here in Ohio. And before we start, Sasha, Malia, go to bed. I do that to remind you that I have two adorable young daughters and not five creepy adult sons. Well, election Day is near, and things aren't great. the economy's in the tank, the job market's horrible, and now even my foreign policy is under attack. But there's something I want you all to know. I'm not worried. not in the least. should be. seems like I would be, but I'm not. and I'll tell you why. our campaign is a secret weapon, and that secret weapon is speaking right now in Tulsa, Oklahoma. let's take a look. Hello, I'm Mitt Romney. and I understand the hardships facing ordinary Americans. for example, this summer, one of my horses failed to medal at the Olympics, so I know hardship. isn't he great?
Now I know I'm not perfect. I'm distant. I'm aloof. I'm overconfident. But wouldn't you be overconfident if your only competition was this? let's be honest, Okay? nobody here wants gay marriage. All right? nobody.
All right? isn't that right, sir? Oh, you are gay. Oh. well, so that's why you're wearing the beret, I see. Okay. oh, you're in the Army. Well, thank you for your service. I'm sorry, your gay service.
He makes me laugh. And it's nice to have something to laugh about right now because people are out of work. they're living with their parents, collecting junk. it's like we got a Sanford and Sun economy. You remember that? it's that bad. But hey, at least I'm being honest. you know which, let's check in on Paul Ryan. I said I could do a hundred sit-ups in five seconds. what I meant was, I could do five sit-ups eventually. But don't worry, that doesn't make me a liar. I'm just terrible with numbers. Now let's talk budget. that's incredible. So, America, I know you're not in love with me anymore, but I want you to know that my heart still beats for you. and I can prove it. I'm so in love with you. that was fun, right? So do you want that or this? hey, how about that? that was old. old had a farm, pretty, pretty groovy song, huh? sorry, I didn't know all the animal noises.
Hey, speaking of music, Oh look at this, speaking of music right here, this guy looks like a young Lou Rawls, huh? You see this gentleman right here? who's Lou Rawls? he's an African American who looks just like you.
I mean, no, not that I mean, I don't mean, hey, you know what, high five, Here you go. Oh. oh, you don't have arms. There you go. the man is a Christmas Miracle. So there's your choice, America, stick with what's been barely working or take your chances with that. So God bless, enjoy the debates, and live from New York, It's Saturday night! Bye! bye! |
SaturdayNightLive | wktvn_news_snl | Good evening and welcome to Wktvn News. And later tonight, Baklava or Balaklava. a new study shows there's a big difference between the two delicious treats. I love studies like that. But first, we go to Trumbull County where a fire has spread, forcing several families out of their homes. let's check in with our brand new reporter, Chance Armstrong. Thanks, Thanks Vicki and Alicia. I'm so thrilled to be joining the team.
So right now, I'm here with a local resident whose home was damaged in the fire. Ma'am, tell us what happened. Um, sir, I was having my normal cigarette in bed and I got woke up by a man outside going bang, bang, bang. And I had smelt fire and he said fire, So I put two and ten together and I said fire, sir. right. And do you have any idea how this fire could have started and why? I'm not sure exactly how, sir, but I know 100% why and I did not want to say names, but it is my cousin. it was your cousin?
Yes, and she is looking right at you now, sir. What? Oh, are you taking a picture of me? No, you're not, not for free or not. No.
Okay. why are you so certain it was your cousin? Um, she is mad because she wants to go to my husband because look at him. is this, is this for Tv? Yes, this is the news, Sir. Oh, snap. Okay, back to the fire. Yes, it's a long story, but she is mad because she can't get with him because he chose me and she's my cousin. Hey, keep saying stuff like that.
I will set your house upon fire again. Yes, set my house upon fire.
I'm scared.
Okay. okay. all right. this was not as informative as I'd hoped. Quite a first day.
Back to you, Vicki and Alicia. Hey, hey, come back to me. take my picture. Look what I can do.
One hand.
Go, Todd. Go, Todd. if it's not for me, I want to lay with you. I said, I can't.
Well, there you have it. And I think we're all done here.
Vicki and Alicia? Sir, if I may, just to clear this up, you see, the two of them were cousins. Yes, I know that. Do you know anything about the fire?
No, I do not. But, sir, if I may, since he got to do the trick, look what I can do. Okay, I don't know what that is. I'm not really here to look at tricks.
Hey, he ain't even my cousin. he's only my cousin because he married my cousin. So hey, I can still get with you because I want to lay with you, Todd. go home. No one wants to lay with you. I bet you someone will.
No, they won't. Because you ain't got it like this. they don't look like they don't. Like hell, they don't.
Okay, no. Okay, no. this cannot happen. it's literally my first day. Oh, sir, sir, if I may, I can clear this up 100%. Just don't say they're cousins. exactly. they are cousins. Also, look what I can do. Okay. yeah, now I'm unfortunately seeing a lot of people lined up and I'm assuming no one wants to talk about the fire. I don't know anything about that, sir, but look what I can do. that's great. you're very talented. Listen, the real reason I am mad at her, the real reason I am mad at you and set fire to upon your house and your trampoline upon fire is because you have not had but one nice thing to me my whole life. what? are you serious? I like you. I like your smile. your homemade rice is worked. you made good french bread pizza and I am sorry that the years have seen us drugged apart in terms of being cousins. So now what? I kissed Makah. No, I'm scared. No, no. Do Not film these three cousins kissing. Well, it was my first day and I'm assuming it's my last, So. in that case, what the hell? Look what I can do. |
SaturdayNightLive | raheem_saturday_night_live | Time now for focus on film. here is your host, film critic Raheem Abdul-mohammed. One good thing about being a film critic is you get to see a lot of movies for free. but it's usually something boring, like Chariots of Fire or on Goldie Pond. Which by the way, Goldie Pond wasn't even in, right?
But then again, the other day I went in my office and I looked on my desk, right? and it was two tickets to see this movie called Making Love with Kate Jackson. and I said, hey, that sound pretty hot, right? So I called my friend Clint over here, right? and I said, Clint, you want to see Goldie Pond butt naked? He said, bet, you know? So we jump in my car, we drive to the movie theater, you know? we go up inside and sit in the balcony, right? Me and Clint like to sit in the balconies and throw milk there to the back of people's heads. yeah, you know. it's a technique to it though. you can't just throw the milk there. you got to know how to do it or you get caught. you got to go like this. Anyway, you know, I was throwing these milk there to the back of this guy's head, right? And Clint was watching the nasty sexy part, right? and he nudged me and said, hey, man, look.
So I looked at the screen, right? and I seen two people kissing, right? And I looked real hard and I said, hey, that ain't Kate Jackson. that's a man. And he kissing another man. not just a regular kiss, either one of them tongue kisses, man. that's disgusting. I think you put your tongue in another man's mouth. think about that. The only other movie I've ever seen in my whole life where a man kissed another man was The Godfather. But that was okay because after he kissed the guy, he killed him, you know what I mean? otherwise, they would have to call it the Fairy Godfather.
Anyway, you know, the movie go off, right? me and Clint sitting in the top row chilling out, right? And they turned the lights up and everybody got up and putting on their coats and turned around and was looking up at the balcony and me and Clint. I said, hey, man, what the hell are you looking at? Just because me and Clint are here together don't mean that Clint's a homosexual, you know? me and Clint, we friends, you know? we like to hang out together. we lift weights, you know? Clint's little, you know, but he built himself up. he lifted these weights, he got these rippling muscles and this smooth skin. it ain't like I be looking at his body and nothing like that. I'll be checking him out. Me and Clint are buddies. we hang out from the old days. real physical buddies be wrestling and hustling around. Look, man, we just friends, all right? Okay, just because I be wrestling and touching don't mean that me and him ended up, you know? we do everything together since we was kids, man. ever since we were little kids. we even in Boy Scouts, then we share the same tent. that don't mean nothing, man. we share the same tent, see?
And that's disgusting What y'all thinking, right? don't be looking at Clint. y'all really think Clint's a homosexual? I think he deserves an apology, all right? that's disgusting what y'all think. I think y'all just send a letter to him, write in the letter, say, Dear Clint, I'm sorry I thought you was a homosexual. give Mel a tell you how to do it. send your apology to Clint. I'm sorry I thought you were a homosexual. care of, focus on killing my homosexual. clean that dude, Muhammad. that's my damn review. |
dropout | The_Person_Who_Takes_Their_Halloween_Costume_Too_Seriously | My name is Vladimira, and I want to suck your blood! That is awesome, Katie. Grab a drink, have some fun. I will. I sure hope you have blood, or else I might have to suck your blood.
I just haven't seen the film, so I'm going to go ahead and take a look at it. I just haven't seen the third movie, so I don't know if I should watch the fourth. I mean, you should see the fourth, but absolutely watch the third.
You think I am drinking wine, but I am actually drinking the blood of the living! Katie, but just to make sure, you're my designated driver tonight, right? So you won't be drinking any more than that? We will see. A vampire is very thirsty. Okay, but for real, I need to make different plans if you are. I'm sorry, but a vampire does not make promises with the living. Okay, but can you just give me like a straight answer, just so I know? I want to suck your blood! Okay, I'm just going to find a different way home.
You don't have to take the costume that seriously, it's just Halloween. Costume? What are you talking about?
I am a for real vampire from Transylvania. You know, I have to be invited in, you cannot see my reflection and mirror. And I want to suck your blood!
Okay, this is actually getting a little annoying. No, it's fun! I'm actually a real sailor too, Katie. What are you talking about? No, you're not. Yes, I am.
I live on the high seas. Maybe I'll sail my ship over to your castle. Transylvania is landlocked, okay?
Good luck with that, you sound so stupid. You know what? I want more blood. Katie, you're kind of ruining this party. Who's Katie? I told you when I came in, but you're not listening? My name is Red Mirror, and I want to suck your blood! Yes, we get it, you keep saying that.
Oh no. Guys, I just got a text from my parents, my childhood dog died. Oh no. What? I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. What happened to your dog?
Did a vampire suck his blood? God, I wish I had gotten to him first. You know, dog blood is almost as good as human blood!
Katie, this isn't a joke. Grant is actually really upset. Yeah, we're trying to comfort him.
Ah, yes. You know what, Grant? Have you thought about maybe getting a bath? You know, sometimes I am a bath. Am I looking for a new master? No. I just want my dog. See, now you really upset him. Okay, I know how to fix this. I will suck your blood, and you will go to the afterlife and join your beloved dog! Katie, get back here! What are you doing?
Oh no! I have garlic! Stay away from me, demon! No, please! I beg of you!
Matt, should we split an Uber to the hospital? Oh, don't call an ambulance. I don't have the money.
Hi, it's me, child actor Katie Marovitch.
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TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_04_11_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News, Borden recording live from Baxter Boots Studio. Today is Monday the 4th of November, my name is Clancy Overall, I'm just back from my brief little holiday in the South Pacific and I can tell you gentlemen I know why the mutineers wanted to stay there, it is absolutely beautiful. I'm joined today by Editor-at-Large Errol Parker, how are you Errol? Mahalo Clancy, welcome back. Thank you Errol, and of course the Peter Kredlin of the Diamantina Shire, one of our greatest news personalities, Wendell Hussey, thanks for joining us Wendell. Thanks for having me and welcome back Clancy, looking very bronze. Thank you mate.
Now what's in the news this week? Protests are in the news, Clancy, protests, and SCOMO has called for a ban on all non-abortion related protests. Yes, yes, yes, free speech has extended just about as far as the Morrison Government is willing to allow it, which kind of stops out front of the women's health clinics in the capital cities, we've since learned. The threat to mining in this country comes from a brand new breed of radical activism, the Prime Minister said, a brand of activism that should only be reserved for vulnerable young women trying to access healthcare.
Yes Clancy, it stinks to me, it sounds like the Prime Minister's been up to Thornley Maccas and he's taken a bit of money from the coal lobby. It's our role as journalists to investigate this further and I think we just need to follow the money and get to the core of the issue. In other news from around the nation now and MasterChef sensationally sponsor hopped from coals to woollies after underpayment allegations. That's right, sticking to the long running theme of having wage thieves as the face of their show, MasterChef have signed up, Woolworths as their principal sponsor after revelations they ripped off nearly $300 million worth of wages. Well they do have a track record of ripping off our primary producers in this country and as many of our local dairy farmers have said, it's great to see them take this issue in house. And they have been sounding out Sydney restauranteur Neil Perry as a judge for next season as well.
Now in news from around town, Kanye's new album sucks says white girl who just wishes he'd do another song with Maroon 5. Well an early wave millennial has really enjoyed Kanye's music before he got all you know black and political and has today now criticised his new gospel album. Yes she's on the wrong side of history there Errol, given the fact that Kanye just landed 9 consecutive number 1 albums as of Jesus is King, his latest release. However he has gotten on the wrong side of a certain demographic that used to love his music. Now this woman who describes Selena Dunham as her spirit animal says she wishes she'd just go back to the good stuff he used to do, like when he did songs with Coldplay and Maroon 5.
Interesting take, I've always been more of a 50 cent man myself but anyway in some news from overseas now and a piercing Australian accent off in the distance shatters local woman's trip overseas. Yes Clancy as I'm sure you could say as you've just come back from overseas there is nothing worse when you feel like you're a million miles away, far away from all of your worries and then all of a sudden you hear the loud shriek, the dropped G's, the stressed vowels of an Australian accent coming from long in the distance. Yeah this young holiday on a deserted beach overseas was having a bit of a moment to herself trying her hand at yoga and was greatly disappointed to hear the following ring out, mate stop being such a sour cunt the roosters were the best on the field that day, you have to admit that. I think we can all admit that's a horrific thing to hear on an overseas holiday and it makes you feel like you're back at home.
Yes especially when the Raiders were the best on the field that day and they were robbed by the big machine that is the NRL and of course soon Nick Politis will be brought to justice and all will be right in the world. Yes, yes the big club bias is not long for this world. In some feel good news now and man actually bragging about eating lunch in his car after a noble purchase of meat-free whopper. Yes a rapidly aging, middle-aged, mid-level marketing and sales rep for some generic company based in our town's old city district was seen bragging about saving the planet after becoming a plant-based warrior and eating one of those new rebel whoppers from Hungry Jacks. Yeah the young eco-warrior as he liked to describe himself did enjoy the burger but was sad they didn't make an ultimate double rebel whopper to really hit the spot, he must have been Hungry Wendell. Big fella was hungry and in sports news now England leaves World Cup empty-handed just weeks before they exit Europe with even less. Yes the sweet chariot certainly swung very low and crashed. Yes another blow for the serial chokers of world sport after they were defeated by the Springboks 32-12 they're leaving Japan empty-handed once again and of course in a couple weeks time or a couple months time who really cares they're gonna leave Europe with nothing and then Scotland's gonna leave them with nothing and hopefully Wales grows a spine and they leave those white shirts alone. And the Cornish there's plenty of nationalistic groups within England that could leave them. Hard borders are very difficult to navigate around when democracy has been ruined by Cambridge Analytica and Facebook but one thing we have learnt from the Rugby World Cup is England do know how to successfully Brexit. Yes yeah the lesser of two evils got up on the weekend. Anyway that's it for another week thanks again as always for joining us be sure to tune in again next week for your weekly dose of honest and hard-hitting regional news.
Until then I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Gladsy Overall. And I'm Errol Parker.
Do not talk to the police without a lawyer present. They're out to get you. They're not your friend. And same could be said for the poker machines. |
cracked | why_cutting_to_the_news_is_a_sure_sign_of_a_bad_movie | Look, I understand that movies are shitting the bed right now. I get that you have to make more and more franchise films and remakes and cater to the global market at the expense of story coherence, trot out 4D theaters and 3D IMAX bullsh** to compete with HBO, Netflix, and cheap plasma TVs, and charge me $20 for garbage food.
All of that, I could and do accept and pay for. And thank you sir, may I have another.
But news flash, stop starting movies with f**king news flashes. We go to the movies because we're depressed from watching the news. Not to see actors do more, usually about the f**king apocalypse. When I went to see edge of tomorrow it was because I wanted to see Tom Cruise get killed many many times and then leave before the inevitable happy ending. Just memorize a list of world building information you were too lazy to write into the movie itself.
There's no excuse. You're better than this, movies. Some of you are. Frankly, shockingly small percentage. But still, sh**ty forced exposition isn't any more engaging just because you have someone say it in this kind of voice. Or stick static in between earths of entence, magnets, dawn of the planet of the apes. This just in. I hate that. It's like a plague infecting every genre and strata from sloppy cash grab book adaptations you'd absolutely expect to resort to hacky bullshit to instant incredible indie classics that everyone should definitely go see but still f**k the news montage at the beginning.
No snow piercer. Bad snow piercer.
You're wrong and you belong in the tail with all the other news montages. Eating f**king protein bars with the Godzilla remake and making poignant charcoal rubbings with the f**king robocop remake. Even comedies aren't safe. Get him to the Greek is the worst offender I can even think of or was willing to research for this rant.
Back to showbiz tonight. Great to see you. How are things going? You used the excuse that your main character is sometimes the subject of entertainment news shows to literally tell us what he was feeling and like fill us in on his labyrinthine breakup backstory and what was up with his heart and his dreams and whatnot. You just started the movie with a shot of the writer describing the characters and explaining the premise. Why the f**k not? It's no different because you threw up a green screen and rented a graphics package. STOP LYING! There are plenty of great ways to start movies. I've seen them. You can still get information across and it doesn't have to take a lot of time. So I don't want to hear that it's our fault for not having attention spans anymore. Game of Thrones has spent three seasons on a travel montage and we're all fine with it.
I'm scared to see Mad Max now, even though the trailer looks amazing because it also starts with Everything is dependent on oil. I'm killing for gasoline. No! Don't do it, Max!
There's literally nothing we need to know. You're in Australia. We don't need an excuse to believe that you spend your time blasting across alkali flats outrunning marauding subhumans in the constant search for gas, water, and justice. It's Australia. That's what it's like now. And hey, TV. Stay cool. Only hope now.
Veep? I'm going to give you a bye because it's your intro sequence. But I'm watching you. I'm watching you, Veep, in the good way and also the threatening way. So you know, you're on thin ice, but good work also. Hey, thanks for watching the new new guy video. I actually wanted to talk to you real quick.
I've been reading some of the comments and I've noticed you don't really like them. And that's kind of just too bad. I know they're not like, but they're here. So you don't have to watch him, but they will still be here. |
dropout | goldeneye_stand_off | Is that the best you've got, Trevelyan? You'll never get out of this facility alive, Bond.
Sorry, Alec. I've got other plans.
Tables turn rather quickly, don't they? Have you completely lost your mind?
We both agreed you couldn't use our job.
He's too short. He's impossible to shoot.
Is it really so hard to look down, James?
Besides, you have a partner of your own. Oh, hey, man.
Sorry. I got lost.
This place is big. Party commander, take cover! Don't worry. I place proximity mines all over this place. Excellent. Do you remember where?
No. The Golden Gun. I thought we agreed on pistols only.
Well, I suppose the rules have changed. I changed them when you were in the bathroom.
And I think I'll let you choose the facility. You'll be childish, James. If I left it up to you, I'd be fighting in the caves. You take that back. I would never choose the caves. The temple, maybe.
Don't worry, Bon. I saw Moonraker laser in the other room. Oh, proximity mines. No!
Don't be sad, James. I already picked another partner for you. Hey, George Tarkin.
Civilian number three. You might have seen me running for my tank. Be reasonable, Trevelyan. I'm not endangering a civilian.
There's always Jaws. Jaws play now.
Civilian's fine. Then settle. Fight to the death. For the next ten minutes. Can we do five? I have to get home.
Looks like we both found the body armor. I knew we should have chosen unlimited ammo. And it's settled.
Brutal and a hand combat it is. To the death. Slappers only.
For England, James. Hey, George Tarkin.
Civilian number three. I'm minus. |
TheOnion | Southwest_Airlines_Rolls_Out_New_Loyalty_Goes_Both_Ways_Campaign | For years, Southwest Airlines has boasted having the most loyal customers in the industry. Now the low-cost carrier is calling on its most frequent customers to finally do something in return for the airline after years of selflessly offering inexpensive flights. The company rolled out their new loyalty goes both ways program in a new ad campaign.
You said you wanted free checked bags and we listened. Now you listen to us.
Over the years, we've asked for so little.
Now I expect everyone who's flown Southwest in the past five years to come to my house and help me move this weekend. Southwest's program is part of a new trend of companies not letting their customers exploit them anymore. Last fall, Toyota launched their Lifetime Loyalty Program, which requires Toyota owners fix a mechanic's car every 35,000 miles. But no company is taking loyalty as seriously as Southwest. CEO Gary C. Kelly has gone as far as to record this radio ad, which Southwest started airing nationwide. To any Southwest customers thinking about saying they're too busy to help, Kelly has some harsh words saying, quote, we're always there for our customers.
To anyone who can't do us a solid now and then, fuck you. That's not loyalty. That's freeloading. Up next, get rid of the penny?
Not so fast, say people who like derailing trains. Customers exploit them anymore.
Last fall, Toyota launched their Lifetime Loyalty Program, which requires Toyota owners fix a mechanic's car every 35,000 miles. But no company is taking loyalty as seriously as Southwest. CEO Gary C. Kelly has gone as far as to record this radio ad, which Southwest started airing nationwide. To any Southwest customers thinking about saying they're too busy to help, Kelly has some harsh words saying, quote, we're always there for our customers.
To anyone who can't do us a solid now and then, fuck you. That's not loyalty. That's freeloading. Up next, get rid of the penny?
Not so fast, say people who like derailing trains. |
cracked | 7_adorable_animals_with_secretly_horrifying_dark_sides | Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, who's the one who bowed out? Five little speckled frogs sat on a great big log, Eating the most delicious bugs, yum-yum! One jumped into the pool, where it was nice and cold, Now there are four speckled frogs, glug, glug! I'm a kangaroo and I don't live in the zoo. I'm a kangaroo and I know just what to do. I'm living in Australia as you know that's far away. I like to do me jumping and me skipping every day. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. I'm a starfish, I'm a clam, I'm a shooting star, that's what I am. I can be anything I want to be. Snails go creeping by, so slowly by, crawling by.
Foxy, foxy, foxy, oh so sly. Foxy, foxy, foxy, why do you lie? Foxy, foxy, foxy, cunning and clever, speak the truth never. What's a foxy? What does a foxy? |
cracked | the_one_thing_you_never_realized_about_titanic | So tell us Rose tell us about Titanic It was 84 years ago. It's okay. Just try to remember Do you want to hear this or not? Mr. Lovett? It's been 84 years And I can still smell the fresh paint the china had never been used The sheets had never been slipped in Titanic was called the ship of dreams and it was It really was Sure, so you had the heart of the ocean and then first I got out of a white car wearing my big hat I was with my mother my fiancee and his henchmen And I was sad Because to me Titanic was a slave ship taking me back to America in chains I looked at Titanic Then at the crowd Then at Titanic Then it loved joy paying the porter Okay, it's the heart of the ocean rose and across town my lover was playing poker with an Italian What they won both tickets So were you at the poker game or did you just hear about it Rose? I'm here for the diamond. You know run a budget. So if you could just keep this tight Do you want to hear this or not? Mr. Lovett?
Fun Titanic had big fancy dinners and men shoveling coal and dolphin friends Anyway, I attempted suicide and I said I'm flying Jack That's what you'll take away from this Jack took me dancing below decks and my grace blew those pours away on a sofa nude my teenage breasts Blissening on Titanic. You could see every star in the sky Bipsy major beetle spooge and other made-up ones again and again Jack Penetrated me in a pocket. Please insert the second VHS tape then my fiancee framed my street urchin for murder What a timeless love story. I knew I had to save Jack Luckily in a survival situation. I'm basically useless and his captain Smith bravely faced his death all alone. I Did other stuff somewhere else a guy bounced off the propeller like a cartoon character It was so funny if you're wondering if I knew what condoms are I still don't the vessel sinking lower my deflowering a distant memory And as my thighs hunger for another screw I Just press us into an iceberg. Let's leave this living hell quick Find a giant piece of wood for just me Hey, thanks for watching that video make sure to like and subscribe our That's the joke Hey, thanks for watching that particular video Make sure to like it and subscribe to our channel because this is your first day on YouTube and you didn't know you could do That the words are right there |
cracked | why_we_think_aliens_are_grey_with_big_heads_greys | Oh hello, I didn't see you there.
Welcome to Unsolved Mysteries Solved by Science, where I take the world's deepest, darkest unsolved mysteries and solve them with science. This is my research library, where I work around the clock to fix the world's most intricate complexities, and sometimes invite a gentleman caller. Or two. Today we are taking a look at one of the world's creepiest, eeriest mysteries.
The greys. We saw them in the 90s as fun flare pins, and on the History Channel after Bigfoot hunters. But the fact remains that nearly 40% of all alien encounters report depictions of these greys. And people who have experienced alien abductions come from all walks of life. So why are these depictions so similar across the board? Is it something to do with our psyche? Or could it be because they are truly among us? Hold onto your bedpans as I saw for you the mystery of the greys. The first mention of otherworldly beings fitting the description of the greys.
Small body, large eyes, big head. Comes from an article written by the famous author H.G. Wells called Man of the Year Million in 1893. Wells also used similar descriptions for his later works in War of the Worlds in 1898 for the Martians that land in their giant spaceships. Or if you're going by the Tom Cruise version, giant iPod holders.
Their mention in pop culture was spotty until almost 50 years later, when the greys started appearing not in fiction, but in real life. The first documented alien abduction was the Antonio Viles-Bois case in 1957. He described a tall humanoid dressed in grey, taking him back to their spacecraft. Then they did some gross stuff with some weird stuff, and Antonio stuck with that story his entire life, never denying that incident, even on his deathbed. And only a couple years later, we have the most famous alien abduction case in history, Benny and Barney Hill. In 1961, Benny and Barney Hill, a couple from New Hampshire, reported experiencing an alien abduction that is the first to mimic how we think of them today. Beamed up by a light, operated on by extraterrestrials that were grey with large eyes and heads.
And since then, thousands of cases have been documented and recorded throughout history, reaching almost every background, race, religion, and location. And it isn't just all in their heads. Scientific studies have proven that those who claim to have been abducted have the same symptoms as those suffering from PTSD and related trauma.
In almost all cases, feature grey aliens. So is there a scientific explanation for why we've chosen the greys to represent all alien kind? And how are so many people having a shared experience of alien abductions by them? Let's take a look at possibility number one. What if the greys are real? What if they are, truly, our closest extraterrestrial cousins floating around in this nebulous galaxy? While it is entirely plausible that there is life on other planets, the idea that they would look and act like these greys is almost impossible. With a different planet and a different environment, the chance that they would have similar symmetrical features to humans, when our own planet has a vast array of life, is almost too good to be true. And experts agree that while undoubtedly life forms exist outside Earth, they most likely do not have limbs like ours and statures like ours. So if not from outer space, where do these greys come from? One theory is that grey aliens are a manifestation of what humans perceive as higher intelligence.
Their bodies exaggerate all the characteristics we associate with intellect. A big head for a big brain, large eyes for increased perception, and it decreases the body parts that don't directly affect intelligence. Shorter limbs, smaller arms and legs, they say it's our minds personifying higher than human intelligence.
But the second explanation has become a favorite among the scientific community. And that is, grey aliens are essentially how we see adults around us when we're newborns. Our color sensors are not fully developed, so our world has a slightly grey view. The adults around us are always leaning over us, so in comparison, their heads seem large and oversized. That's why so many people across the globe have reported seeing this specific type of alien. They are parts of our residual memory that we all carry. But the newest emerging theory?
A few years ago, scientists found a connection between the phenomenon of accidental awareness, or waking up while under anesthesia, and alien abduction cases. Not only do the two have similar visual experiences, being operated under a light, people moving around you in white coats, but they also share the same physical phenomena of not being able to move and paralyzed as people work on you. Sleep paralysis is a similar type of anesthetic, so the similar experience may trigger an abduction episode. In fact, the most famous abduction case, Barney Hill. A few years before this event, he had a tolenoscopy. His descriptions and the many descriptions of these encounters describe the greys as doctors who operated on him. And while some people who awake during surgery remember vividly, many do suppress that memory and don't recall until years later, if ever at all. So instead, it manifests itself as an alien abduction.
That is the greys solved by science. Or is it? We live in a small, small world surrounded by shrouds of the unknown. We peel back a layer, only to find several more in its unwinding spindle of doubt. Maybe we are not alone. And join us next time for another episode of Unsolved Mysteries. Solved by...
Oh! Jesus!
Alright, can we stop doing that? Can we stop? That was enough.
It's not funny anymore. It just scares me.
Thank you for watching this short documentary. Please click the big C to subscribe and the bell to get notifications for when we have new videos. You can also look at the new videos to the left and the right of me. Till next time. |
TheOnion | Update_Obama_Yet_Again_Refrains_From_Obliterating_Human_Race | John Edwards pays $30 to register the domain name edwards2016.com quote just in case Americans are being urged not to say anything to Samantha Howard about her new haircut and a local couple will try once again to die peacefully together in their sleep tonight and now a video recap of the week's news for the quasi literate Embarrassed lawmakers are reeling this week after a budget mix-up accidentally granted the nation's public schools enough money to properly educate Students the humiliating mistake sent 80 billion dollars in defense funds to the Education Department Inadvertently helping schools buy desperately needed supplies retain teachers and foster academic excellence and oversight officials called quote a grave error President Obama managed to make it through yet another day resisting the urge to push the small red button that launches the nation's entire nuclear Arsenal though he was again able to avoid giving in to his morbid curiosity The president admitted that he is gripped every single day by a sick compulsion to eradicate all mankind quote Just to see what would happen in tech news Hewlett-packard unveiled the world's first computer for people who don't need a computer Sources said the device's total lack of software keyboard monitor memory or any internal circuitry Makes it ideal for those consumers who have never at any point considered owning a computer and never will In sports the entire field of NASCAR drivers stopped their cars mid race Exited their vehicles and walked off the premises this week saying quote This is ridiculous and a shocking new report has found that NFL players look really weird in suits in other headlines a satellite frantically attempts to bounce a working signal to a swearing-man cell phone a Shocking new gentle Ben biography reveals that the famous bear struggled with a 28 pine Martin a day habit and a man with no Friends tells it like it is That's all the news the Freemasons want you to know this week for more stories and videos go to the onion comm slash review |
dropout | game_of_thrones_wish_fulfillment | The White Walkers involved a shortcut there! Tell the Rangers to stop wandering around in the snow We're going to be fighting White Walkers like all the time now So awesome BABABABABABABABABABABA Where did you say you were from? King's Landing, my lord Auria Stark! escaped Not today!
I had help from a clever imp and his newest invention, the Wildfire Gun. And he made one for you, too! Oh, shit! This is radical!
I'm divorcing myself from the Lannisters. I am now Tyrion of House Half-Man. You can't do that. My new friends say otherwise. Tyrion of House Half-Man, come. We fly north to save Winterfell. I have a dragon for you to ride, and for you as well, Jon Snow.
How will we win this war? Don't worry.
I've assembled a team of expendable warriors. Brienne, Bronn, the Hound, and Jaime Lannister. Who's good now, but just as witty. All of them together?
Oh, my God, this is so sick. How dare you disrespect me! I am Theon Greyjoy! I'll take your head. Lord Stark, no! Please, I'm so friggin' sorry!
Thank you! Thank you so much!
No!
I'm so dead! Butter, butter, bi-butter, bi-butter! |
dropout | remember_when_nostalgia_was_good | Guys, did you see this? What? There was a Caroline in the City reunion. No way! The old cast of Caroline in the City got together for a minute at this level. Whoa. All of them.
I know I'm supposed to love this, but I feel like this nostalgia stuff just doesn't do it for me anymore. Yeah, I know what you mean. God, remember when nostalgia used to be great? Yes. The nostalgia was so great. I remember the first time I remembered Are You Afraid of the Dark? Oh, that was the golden age of nostalgia right there. That was when you were actually remembering things. Now just BuzzFeed and Jimmy Fallon remember things for you. And the saddest part is kids today will never know how good nostalgia used to be.
It was like a special, unexpected treat.
Now there's so much nostalgia online, it's annoying. I feel like the things I'm remembering aren't worth remembering. Not like how I used to remember. You know what else about nostalgia sucks today? It's just become a bunch of people talking about how everything in the past was better and everything sucks today. I used to love nostalgia though.
Remember how you used to struggle to remember something and then when you finally got it and it was like this like um, wave of relief. Yes. You know what I used to love? What? When you were talking with a friend, something you said would trigger their memory and then you would both remember the same thing at the same time.
Guys, look at this. It's that photo from five years ago of the three of us looking at old photo albums. Wow.
We were so nostalgic. I wish we could still remember things like that. Yeah, but the nostalgia isn't the same when you have your photos on your phone all the time. I have a good idea. What if we got together and re-remembered the memories we were remembering in that picture? You know, I just don't know if those memories would hold up. Yeah. Were they actually good memories or did we just think they were good at the time because we were younger? I guess it's best to just leave the memories of the memories as memories. Yeah. And besides, you know, we could actually remember this conversation like we used to.
Because I recorded the whole thing. What? This nostalgia clip doesn't do it for me anymore. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
dropout | if_robin_hood_met_republicans | People of Nottingham, for too long you have lived under the tyranny and taxation of the evil Prince John. But fear not, for I, Robin Hood, have brought you gold and food to ease your hardships.
Hang on a second. Where'd you get that stuff from? Why, I stole it from the rich. Well, then you can take it right back where it came from. But you need it more than they. Look, I don't know how you do it in Sherwood Forest, but here in Nottingham we believe in trickle-down economics.
What?
That's where we pay more taxes, right, and the rich, they keep all their money. But then they buy stuff and then we all get rich together. Yeah! Hold on. Well, then I have merely expedited the process by taking their riches and giving them to you humble people. Look, this stuff wasn't easy to come by, so just take the gold. But when I'm super rich, are you going to steal from me? Well, I suppose so. Come on, come on! That's probably not going to happen. Look, just take the gold, your peasants.
What does he call us? He calls us peasants. I love you now, young man, that way. We are middle class.
That's right. You live in a ruthless hovel under the hole in the wall where the prince pours out his toilet waste. And we own that hovel, we do. Only happens left on the mortgage. The prince is a job creator, he is. Yeah, and he pays us free sticks for cleaning up all the shit. Yeah. Okay. This is my gold, and food it belongs to me, and I am giving it to you as a charitable donation.
Get away from me! We don't take angles. Yeah, who do you think we are? Immigrants? I didn't say anything about that.
I just want to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Look, if you keep taking from the rich and giving to the poor... Middle class. Middle class, sorry. Then all the rich will move to a place that's more... economically favorable.
What? Their lords? What do you think they're going to do, move their castles? They could. How? What are you? Some kind of French spy? You know what?
Get back to Europe. He's probably against the Crusades and all. Oi, some kind of secret Saracen, eh? Next thing you know, he's going to be taking away our hitting sticks.
I didn't say anything about that. What was that? I said, made Marion again.
When's she going to learn? She's got to help herself. She's never going to escape that dungeon unless she picks herself up by her bootstraps.
Okay, you know what? I'm going to go save Marion, and then I'm going to leave. And I'm going to take the gold with me, and I'm going to travel 50 miles away to Worcester. Yes, Worcester!
Because screw supporting the local economy, the sticks they make there are cheaper. You hear me? Cheaper! So how's that for free market thinking? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_133_Cameron_James_Alexei_Toliopoulos | Welcome back to The Petuta Advocate radio show recording live here in the Budgie Smuggler studios in downtown Petuta, we've obviously just finished up the biggest weekend of sport in the calendar year for 2020 at the AFL Grand Final over in Brisbane actually, in the Gabba as I'm sure you all know, it's the first time it hasn't been in Melbourne over the weekend and of course the NRL Grand Final down there in Sydney and we're heading straight into the Spring Carnival and cricket will be back soon so we were going to interview an NRL star this week but obviously all the talent that we wanted to talk to are still in the bubble because origin is yet to take place so these players will remain in quarantine until that is all over, we've got a lot coming up in the way of sports so for a breather, now that everyone's still coming down from the Grand Final weekend we thought we'd delve into the world of film this week and today's guests, we've smuggled them across the border, we have two of the biggest movie nerds in Australia joining us today and joining us of course as usual is Errol Parker, editor at large of The Petuta Advocate, how are you Errol?
Good mate, that was a great opening monologue, yeah fantastic mate, isn't it wild how I tied it all together, like no we didn't interview Cam Smith this week but we do have Cam with Alexi and I just want to say the NRL boys they're in a bubble, podcasters we're also in our own bubble so that's why we're allowed to talk to each other so are comedians, they're in their own echo chamber I guess you could say and they're not really in touch with the average Australian, that sucks all us comics like us guys, Louis CK, you know Chris D'Elia and stuff we're all quite tight and we have each others backs no matter what, we'll support anyone dude I'm a big Kevin Pollock fan and he hasn't done anything wrong so I'm very lucky yeah cause there's that comedian now who's under fire that Chris Pratt, yeah we still claim him as a comedian even though he technically has never done stand up, he's technically a movie star these days as well, yeah but we have his back, he is pro Hillsong, he is anti-gay marriage which we don't agree with but we always will stand with Chris and he used to be fat dude so we will always, the fatties will always have your back Chris anyone who has ever been fat is technically a comedian, Cam were you rather buxom as a teenager is that what we're, no but I wish I mean I'm planning on getting really fat in my next probably in the next half hour, yeah your next phase, yeah my next phase thanks for letting us in the podcast bubble gentlemen and for having us in Batuda we love it here it's beautiful, beautiful sun drenched town, yeah how did you get over the border cause you know that's a long story but we will tell you it was a lot of smuggling I was held within a beautiful beautiful sack that Cameron held on his back, yeah a bindle you know when you tie a sack to a stick and you hold it over your shoulder I did that and I just posed as like a passing jolly swagman, very reinforced stick, a man of the interior they went up through in Tennefield so all you had to do was prove that you'd lived in the north west of New South Wales for four weeks and you were able to get to Queensland we're here and we're never going back, we're residents, yeah we're done with that place can you tell us a little bit about you know the success you two have found in the podcasting game because in the last four or five years this medium has taken off including you know in our town obviously we've got a couple podcasts coming out of here a week multiple, daily boarding, podcast capital of Australia, weekly boarding yeah absolutely and you know people like you come to visit us here but you guys found success I think that might come from the fact that you were actually stand-up comedians before you got into podcasting which is rare for two white men getting into podcasting, you cut your teeth elsewhere in entertainment, we were also the first one to start a movie podcast yeah we do believe that's true people had spoken about movies in broadcast before you've probably heard of what are they called in those two, that's Margaret and David, a beautiful couple yeah thank God I heard they had a little bit of a rocky patch at the moment but you know we're really rooting for them we're pulling we're pulling through for those guys so people have talked about movies in private conversation on television even on the radio with that movie guy Mark Fennell but never on podcasts never on the freaking internet before so we were really like ground breakers in that genre yeah not just because of my size where I usually do break ground if I'm falling out of something the ground will break all my insistence on carrying a very beautiful silver shovel to construction sites and doing the groundbreaking yeah yeah yeah but we broke that freaking ground you know we broke that glass floor that we call as white male podcasters and started a movie podcast you guys are no you know slouch in the podcast game as well you've got good numbers I've had a look at the stats and you're getting good downloads yeah yeah we get we we move yeah you move white you might hear it you push less units I don't think that downloads is is a good yardstick by which to measure a podcast okay I do streams only I don't check the download just go what people are streaming yeah I guess a good yardstick is how many times it is recommended to you oh yeah because a niche podcast can be very popular oh that's what we've built our whole thing on yeah niche we love that niche so speaking of niche we will start with Drago and then we'll get into into your newest work of art sensible uh tell us tell us the story of Drago um for those who haven't listened to it well Finding Drago began as literally a real discovery when we're doing our movie podcast we're reviewing Rocky IV for some unknown reason yeah who knows why and while doing that research I like found this one sentence on Wikipedia about Ivan Drago that was like of the further exploits of Ivan Drago were explored in Todd Noye's final great last masterpiece novel Drago on Mountains We Stand I'm like what the fuck is this novel there's a novel about Ivan Drago it's written by this guy Todd Noye who's like supposedly this genius and I started falling down this rabbit hole and finding out that Todd Noye was like this ex-sports journalist from Perth Western Australia who would like cover boxing and like VFL and stuff I'm like this is insane how's this guy Australian and then he'd also won a Pulitzer Prize yeah he won the Pulitzer and we were so proud of him I was like he's winning that prize well you discovered him on a Wikipedia entry for a fictional character from the 80s then like it kind of like got to this point where like I got the book and the book like talked about in the about the author section that uh he had possibly died he'd gone missing he had like all these struggles drugs and alcohol and been missing Todd Noye the famous Perth author yeah that we all know about yeah and he like and said like oh god he's dead and then I opened the book and it was signed by him I'm like holy shit and just led us to like trying to find out who this guy was yeah so Finding Drago ended up becoming a six-part series that ABC produced for us which is our attempt at a true crime story I find true crime too bloody too scary freaky deaky I'm a puss cat I'm scared so we did our own version of true crime which was that we just tried to find this mysterious author Todd Noye and uh you know there's no blood or guts in it so if you're turned off by that shit you can fucking just breeze through Finding Drago yeah just some effing and jeffing if you've got a problem with that you can f and jeff my own dingus we're roaring unfiltered sorry guys all right so that's mark the time code there 10 minutes go cut that out I'll just cut that out but we are riffing too so yeah it's a good rapport in this room yeah you guys aren't stand-ups but you guys are pretty good at riffing yeah I guess that's what happens when you record 358 podcasts yeah a year whoa you don't get a day off no earlier leap year that's exciting we took one off the queen's birthday that was oh you have to god save her you have to do it yeah every year I try and take a day off to try and kill her for us stand-ups the queen is Sarah Silverman so we take a day off on her birthday that's true or queen Latifah yeah true um I think that that's really disrespectful what you just said and if you could mark the time code which I think is about 10 minutes 40 let's cut let's cut that out too because that's really rude as a monarchist you don't like the idea of the queen's death day I mean the only reason that I would ever get excited about you know the queen passing is just to I'd finally get to see Charlie become king yeah and you've always wanted to see a flag at half mast yeah you've never had that chance you're like god that'll be the day yeah the only time I'm at half mast is uh you know I mean insert the rest there he's in the bedroom it's a tremendous problem for me I'll have to thumb it in half the time like Play-Doh anyway anyway we're ruining the sanctity of this amazing uh institution of you guys so so you went down a rabbit hole there was a lot of uh you just went on a journey finding this author that won a Pulitzer prize from Perth as you described Perth Western Australia for those who didn't know where Perth was yeah not Perth in Scotland yeah well too often get confused and uh yeah and we obviously won't spoil that for for those who want to listen to this um Effin and Jeffin light true crime but that was met with such great success this podcast probably a lot of people kind of the gateway for a lot of people was through boxing probably thought they were going to be getting some real Rocky going on here Rocky fans came on board early yeah and then we're sort of surprised by what it was and then Ben Damon the boxing promoter out here he shared it yeah and we got a lot of boxing fans on board who came on so that was a fun little um side product of this and it was kind of nice because like you know you know we're not sportos I'll be honest I'm not a sport though I don't know if you could tell by me saying dingus earlier today or saying sportos yeah but I've never actually watched a full episode of sport in my life but we uh but like I think because of like the connection to Rocky like all these people like they love that movie but I think they have like this kind of emotional connection to the movie because it is like this really sensitive portrayal of like this you know a guy who is like pretty stupid and like about like him trying to like find his way in the world so I think they like came to the podcast like this already like an emotional connection so like they were very like very sweet to us all like the Rocky fans very very sweet oh Rocky's a yeah you know Eye of the Tiger the nostalgia behind that film particularly for Italian Americans who were like they didn't really have the hero until Stallone came along yeah absolutely they had maybe the Raging Bull but then there was Stallone and Stallone you know Eddie Murphy does a great bit about how he changed their entire psyche yeah yeah for years and years you know they just you know had the Corleones yeah that's right to look up to and they weren't heroes they were thank you oh we got a regular kevin polka vito vito my name is vito my son vito michael there we go where you're dealing with film buffs you do not you if you slip that will that will pound you they're not sport they're filmers we are filmers thank you film yeah we're not sports with filmers so alexi as uh inversely um obviously you weren't a sport or you weren't a rocky guy as a young I was a rocky guy big time yeah is that like I was gonna ask who was your answer as a young greek australian to stallone growing up was it jeanopolis it was absolutely jeanopolis I'd like jeanopolis I used to dance like him at my school discos I would slide across the floor and I would thrust my hands against my pelvis that was yet to develop but he was yeah he was my king of mykonos I loved him really not colosimo colosimo is awesome yeah all of them colosimo you know you get the you know there's some crossover yeah they have a saying in italian which means same face same race yeah about greeks Italians and and also let's not forget cubans in scarface yeah so you're allowed to do anything if you're a greek or italian yeah they're allowed to claim yeah exactly and then who was the one that played the grandson in godfather 3 who was a cuban playing andy garcia yeah they flipped the freaking script beautiful detail yeah yeah that's nice that's good um i'm trying to think of whom the white version of that is for me uh just pretty much any comedian i guess you play carl baron you can play any bald man yeah yeah he can do anything he can play carl he can play manny lewis he can do it all so yeah we're getting towards you know we're getting real nerdy on the film stuff now would you find that rocky fans some of who you inherited with your podcast about the guy who wrote about a character in rocky would you say they're not they're not film fans per se mostly rocky rocky's base yeah that's interesting man yeah they think they fly the gamut of all of stellon's filmography yeah yeah but also as someone pointed this out to me recently that rocky is like the longest running character played by the same actor for for when was the first one 70 76 76 and he's still playing the character in creep 2 like yeah two years ago or something so by merit of being a rocky fan you become a film fan because you watch 40 50 years of cinema basically so look the rocky fans they start out as pretty base but then they have this whole history of like knowing about 70s cinema and 80s cinema and all that shit not to mention develops they know about the intricacies of the middle east through rambo yeah they know all rocky fans and uh stellon fans know that once upon a time the afghanis were our allies against the red that's true first blood two i think it was maybe three three i think it's three and it even like ends with like this movie's dedicated to the brave warriors of the taliban it was like movie it's so bizarre it's so weird we taught them how to shoot down russian helicopters and they did and they of course also know about russian film montage because of rocky 4 which is the most eisenstein movie that's ever been made and that's why sly is a real filmmaker so so the russian like that came from russia that that yeah the idea of the idea of a montage yeah editing and montage comes from russian filmmaking and sly i believe truly channels are in rocky yeah there's i think five montages in rocky 4 there's about 40 minutes of non-montage footage in a 90 minute movie and then there's 10 minutes of rocky 3 as well at the start so it's barely a film also not forget that there is a seven minute james brown song oh played in full played in full full james brown concert living in america yeah and boy aren't we glad that we are not yeah there's a lot of crazy stuff yeah a lot of crazy comedians over there yeah yeah just just quickly that is one of the most famous film montages of all time is ivan the training montage yeah contrasting both of their styles of training so yeah ivan was like a lab rat russian yeah he's punching robots and stuff and then it cuts to rocky in the snow dragging logs and pulling a train across yeah fighting a horse and stuff like that it's very yeah that's one of the best montages it's incredible also really interesting that they could paint rocky as the working man underclass compared to the soviet yeah rich boy yeah yeah exactly very bizarre also but you know you don't look at rocky 4 for historical accuracy because the film ends with from my memory i've seen it a few times and not for a little while rocky basically ending the cold war yeah right yeah i mean that's i believe how it does happen but yeah in a matter way that film coming out did end the cold war really yeah i reckon yeah i've never really looked into it but i believe it in my heart yeah it was either that or golden eye oh yeah jaws yeah oh yeah god i love those yeah wow wow you could do that too the impersonation the king of impression if you finish that it's rave reviews for this podcast finding drago as we said once a lot of people got involved in it they realized it was something completely different to what i guess most of them stumbled across um or or people got involved in the mystery people online started trying to solve the mystery with us week to week which was pretty fun cameron would get dms from people going like alex is a freaking idiot he didn't notice this clue that he said five episodes and stuff and i'd be like you know who left that clue in the episode and stuff freaking idiot like we helped we helped edit this yeah we made it we made it we know all the clues yeah that was interesting and we're kind of hoping people do that again this time around yeah it's it's unavoidable when you put something out online that people will go way deeper than you expect them to yeah so tell us the premise of this one right so you know we we like to pick uh if we're making a true crime podcast like i mentioned we like to pick very inconsequential low stakes crimes yeah and uh the current crime that we discovered is a man from the 1990s who we believe faked a guinness world record he faked i don't want to say what it is because i don't want people to look it up yet but he has a record in the guinness book of records that he had for about 30 years yeah 20 or 30 years and we believe strongly that it is illegitimate that it is fraudulent and that he did it to get acclaim and fame and to get in the glorious book his guinness world record how how easy would this record be to get the thing is well like how how niche is back in the day i reckon you could just get in the guinness book of records you just said you'd done something now it's a little more strict and i think for the worse because now they're a fucking look i don't want to talk too much shit about guinness they make a wonderful product in their drink and the book is a shifts units it shifts almost as many units as you guys yeah i get downloads yeah yeah they're the um they're the christmas stockings of the book yeah yeah podcast exactly but they uh that was its peak as well so like the 90s guinness book of records was lit and uh it was awesome moving into probably early 2000s and they started having those really really flashy covers oh those holographic that's exactly our era yeah flashy cover era this podcast is based on the golden 25th anniversary edition from 2005 50th anniversary 2005 and that was exactly what you're talking about holographic lenticular if you will and so they got to a point where it became so red hot and it became such a coveted christmas item that guinness would have to send adjudicators to the breaking of world records yes or would have to have them clarified through different sources i remember it because b105 in brisbane um uh hot hits radio former in brisbane once had the longest nipple hair wow someone claimed to have that and they were going to break the record who had that bernard fanning no it was it was a guy in the street but it they brought stephan on the street yeah they just found him by chance wow at an out at an ob outdoor broadcast he came up did they see the hair dangling and they go that's got to be from his nip i think i think he came up and showed them um whoever it was maybe it was almost triple m either way they brought stephan the iconic brisbane hairdresser oh stephan's needle yes stephan's napoleon hair products he had to uh poo the nipple hair before it was officially measured by someone from ireland that they sent over yeah that's a thing man at a certain point guinness became i think a bit of a racket where they had like a little staff and they were like you know what let's make people pay to fly our staff around the world to verify these world records like who cares yeah guinness the guinness book of records started as pub trivia that's where it began it just started with like a couple of guys in ireland being do you know who has the longest nipple hair yeah there's this dude in brisbane we think let's write that down put that in the book craig's got the world's longest nipple hair but it's like a little unverified shit and then only in like the late 90s 2000s they started becoming we're an actual world author we have to research this we have to lock them in and we actually during the making of this podcast we did try to set our own record yeah we wanted to get in the guinness book of records we thought that would be a fun little project for us on the side and it costs so much it costs to apply just to apply it was like 200 bucks to apply and then they said but we strongly recommend your fast tracking which is two thousand dollars yeah the two thousand so you can apply for 200 but it will take like nearly half a year for them to get back to you or even read the email yeah fast track they get back to you within a week two thousand dollars for that and the abc flatly said no yeah we asked for extra funding to pay for a fast tracking of a guinness world record for i don't know i think we're applying for world's youngest podcaster yeah yeah and then uh what else is there there's to send an adjudicator it's like ten thousand dollars and you have to put them up and then after all of that they can still say no you didn't get the world record yeah so you've just spent like nearly 15 grand or whatever flying some guy out from ireland and then he goes nah but thanks for the holiday i've even got longer nipple hairs than you mate so he didn't make it and that's that's why it's only really worth it for local councils who do like the biggest ice vovo yeah they're gonna spend the 15 grand and usually that shit is tied into charity or something like it's proceeds will go to charity or whatever so guinness are going to give them that yeah we didn't have that option we didn't have charity this was a purely selfish game we got turned down so yeah we dive deep into the guinness book of records for this season and try to get to the bottom of why someone would fake it what they would gain out of it and why they would go to such lengths to hide the truth for 30 years and it's also probably the only record in filmmaking in like movie making that you could fake because all the rest are like oh who's got the most kills in the movie like stuff like that but this is like a really weird niche one yeah and so we like travel the entire world while being in completely locked down in city we should talk about that too we produced this during pan i don't want to say but an unnamed pandemic yeah something really crazy was happening at this time yeah really crazy please don't say it because we might get flagged for misinformation if you say those words i'm not gonna say it of this thing that might not even be true yeah well exactly exactly that's what i'm not gonna say creative project made during the pangolins wrath yeah exactly yeah i believe a curse came out from a pangolin that was eaten as a sacrifice but i'm not sure i don't know i've only read about it extensively so i don't know i've only read about it so we did produce this during lockdown conditions yeah in a shipping container yes in marrickville underneath the flight path because we were not allowed into the abc so our only option was to use a shipping container in marrickville underneath the flight path did you did that cause recording issues yeah absolutely yes yeah a lot of motorbikes riding around those corners so we had to like cut out of the podcast a lot of planes a lot of fedex parcels getting sent to sydney yeah but as the pandemic wore on i'm guessing less planes so that was but that made us sad so that dipped our energy i mean we we live in the inner west so we love those planes they calm us down and you know i'm getting frustrated all day long like where's my plane where's that beautiful low hum as it applies down to mask like in one of those kind of atlantic northeast towns in america where you kind of the bell goes midday you know when it's lunchtime you you kind of have the plane oh the 1215s in from brisbane okay the flyover station the u.s is minnesota in here it's marackville and sydnam yeah it's true so yeah was it was produced under very difficult conditions but where we're hopefully you can't tell that when you listen to it yeah we worked extensively for it to be hidden that we made this in a freaking bin we did we made a podcast in a bit over several months yeah so this one's coming out through the abc as well yeah yeah it's abc produced so what did the fucking abc do well that's a great question yeah that's a great question yeah they gave us our dear friend bryce who was producing as a producer and they gave us some microphones not too dissimilar to these yeah very similar actually um and then they gave us um the permission to record it in a bin yeah and the permission to release it via their podcast i got it i can't i don't want to shit too much on it but i will say we didn't even have internet access in the shipping container we were working in we were tethered off our phones old school and we had an incredible interview that we had to do with someone all the way in spain and we had to like do it late at night and we had no internet access to it so we had to use our producer's phone who had only 59 minutes of international calls so we had to like try keep it very tight and hang it up just before yeah he couldn't even call his family uh overseas that month because we used up all these minutes and they were his lebarica this is rough rough but the unnamed pandemic has affected us all um and uh it's probably affected you guys here in betuda i don't know what you guys doing okay you surviving yeah we haven't had a community transmission for 200 days wow some people still hugging and stuff for yeah yeah big huggers around here big passions right they are yeah big it's very european there is a big european influence in this town you know so there is of course the double kiss that the french do down in the yeah french quarter and then you know there's but they're double french kisses yeah which is crazy yeah one the front one the back yeah yeah i didn't realize you had a french quarter yeah no they came to miss they came via french polynesia actually which was an interesting migrate migration route but it was the early days of the 457 visa program so we um we needed some unskilled pacific slaves to pick the fruit out here and um as you know that's been happening since the start of uh federation and continues to happen today they just had a couple still to this day they do speak the uh betudinese creole down there the french quarter which which is basically like um if you can imagine what campbell newman would sound like if he was just reading a french textbook yeah yeah yeah verbatim it's an accent you don't hear very often but it is distinctive yes you know like and you say it's like say um if they were to ask you what you said they would say kes kusai yeah yeah yeah so that's you know it's beautiful kind of sounds like textbooks sounds like africans if africans was in a french accent yeah yeah yeah yeah so a lot less yeah yeah yeah yeah sounds like the movie the water boy yeah to bring it back to film it is yeah yeah one of the great films one of the greats yeah uh what okay now that we're back on the film uh nerd shit finding desperado coming out october 30 october 30 the spookiest day of the entire year so how'd you come up with this name i mean that should give away a little bit of what this record is well a bit of this podcast is set in spain quite a bit and ibiza and desperado is a word that means outlaw on the run oh and that is just that eagles song yeah also that was a big influence big influence we listened to it every day before we started yeah and we watched the robert andriguez film desperado starring antonio bendera starring salma hayek is that the guitar that turns into a machine gun yeah yeah yeah incredible it's incredible he can fling bullets around corners in that movie and we're like we've got to make our podcast feel like that we're going to make this feel like a bullet sliding around a corner to hit you yes so there's a spanish influence this time around whereas last time uh rocky the soviet and america were our big touchstones this time around we've got spain europe and i'd say the movie silence of the lambs yeah silence of the lambs and talented mr ripley like our big like kind of like stylistic storytelling influences this time yeah yeah so the food's much better you know you've got you know some tapas yeah tapas fava beans if you guys have that here tapas tapas yeah yeah we do it's um in the latin yeah yeah no you know every town out here has a tapas restaurant oh wow yeah it's like the old chinese restaurants of red fortune yeah yeah everyone in western queens and they've got more here my favorite um because i'm from a bit on this show before i talked about being from newcastle my favorite two guys killed each other inside the kiosk yeah exactly the kiosk i used to work at um but uh my favorite type of chinese restaurant is a restaurant that's just called chinese restaurant oh yeah that's my favorite time and you get a few of them in newcastle chinese i like asian oh that's casting a real wide man yeah that's good asian food you can get a green chicken curry and and a like a lemon chicken as well which is nice and a satay pasta oh yum you guys got to try the mongolian beef pizza it's beautiful um as oh yeah so so with the film stuff just what is your favorite films i have to ask you guys because you're obviously the biggest film nerds we ever had on here yes geez we love movies we actually love every single movie so it's so hard to whittle it down from probably 10 000 down to one yeah but i'm gonna because we're australian and this is an australian show i'm gonna say probably the movie rams starring michael cayton and who else michael cayton and sam neil it is a wonderful picture in cinemas and probably shane jacobson's probably in it i think shane jacobson probably wrote it i don't know yeah he could be in it and uh you directed by um it's directed by probably chris no who's the uh ride like a girl rachel griffith rachel griffith rachel griffith in her second debut i reckon you're gonna get a producer credit deep in there from brian brown yes he was just a supporter of it yeah brian brown pga he probably put in a little bit of money i haven't seen it but i've seen the poster and it looks sensational the color palette of that poster good heavens starring a you know ethnically ambiguous chick that was on heartbreak high years ago oh i love it she's one of my heroes my actual favorite movie probably is australian movie of that ilk which is looky falla brandy i watch like six times a year yeah you do i'm obsessed with it right this speaks to your experience growing up absolutely it's like set in my neighborhood so it looks everyone looks like my family in it it's so it's a movie i'm gonna cry talking about it you went to an all you went to an elite private girl school i went to elite private girl school i was pressured to become the head girl of my school and then some tragedies happened to my full day i won't say what i was the jacob coot yeah you were did you read the novel i was really good at winging it at public speaking yeah you're incredible speaker uh did you read the novel yes i stole the novel from my high school i stole it and it was i got the novel signed by pia miranda and um when i was telling her i was like oh i love your movie it actually made me it makes me when i look at it it makes me feel like i'm looking at my family photo album i was like crying and she's like what the hell what's wrong with this guy and then i got also melina marchetta the author to sign it as well so i say i got my bible sung by jesus and gods oh my god i'm obsessed it's my favorite and this was before he discovered geneopolis yeah yeah have you got your acropolis now dvds oh yeah i got my leather jacket signed by him and my diecast of his catalan i actually when i was in high school i had a um i ran into ta here and uh one of the other actors from pizza he was the first comedian i ever saw live oh man the best i got them to sign because i loved pizza i got the i've rented three of them in sydney and i got them to sign my echo hat i had a red echo hat wow mark echo i was in knockoff i got from patty's markets but still they all signed it but they all signed it in character from pizza holy shit i didn't get their real names on there so there's like so you habib habib signed it sleek and bobo yeah i've still got it at mum and dads might start wearing it again yeah absolutely you know you wear that bow so that's like i when i look at that red echo hat i say i've got my bible signed by god jesus and joseph yeah john the baptist they all signed it judas yeah was that jabber i reckon sleep yeah jabba did jabba's for sure judas oh good lord so that's your favorite film fat pizza and versus houses yeah and looking for ala brandy the two greatest works of australian art fat pizza versus houses yeah they're all made within the same five blocks i'd love to see fat pizza versus ala brandy oh my lord i'm gonna try to write it this afternoon i'm gonna try to write it full length in an afternoon the best is um the intro song the house house house house house house yeah it's awesome i prefer chicks chicks chicks chicks oh yeah keep going uh oh what are the things like fully sick fuck yeah bobby i can't go together it's the next part so but it used to be my ringtone for a few years so guys it's been great um look forward to finding desperado yeah how do people find it anywhere they get podcasts so wherever they listen to this probably it's on the same app on the abc listen app apple podcasts yep spotify no i think that's the one place it's not apparently abc won't have it they have no deal with spotify all right you can find it on the website for abc so if you're on the abc website and then search there'll be a search bar search bar somewhere within there yeah just type it in get distracted by looking at the news page yeah if there's a lot of news it actually doesn't stop they say it's all you'll probably come across charlie pickering's face somewhere on that website yeah distracted his ultimate takedown of trump you know like trump's not gonna win the election after this but just lastly to the listeners you need to run up these numbers and help these boys shift some units so the next time next time the abc might pay two thousand dollars for fast tracking of the olympic yeah we're trying to get Guinness world record yeah we're trying to get most units shifted on a podcast that's our record we're trying to break we are two thousand dollars to join the Guinness world records or just even access to a studio next time yeah are we all we could just split it yeah yeah and try to remake a new season of fat pizza thank you around thank you cam thank you for joining us coming all the way up here and breaking the law yeah you've got to smuggle this guy back over the border now give me my spindle get me the spindle hey cab |
dropout | if_action_heroes_had_your_resume | Before you say anything, the other guy started it. I don't want to hear it. What the hell is wrong with you, Max? Another bar fight? You're better than this.
God, in all my years of sector command, I've never met a prospect like you. This is one hell of an impressive resume. Bachelor's degree in English with a minor in film studies, a 2.92 GPA, proficiency in Microsoft Office. I know what I can do. And you're throwing it all away, Max. America needs you. What if we need to do a mail merge or build up macros in Excel? I guess we just have to find someone else. Because when I said I was proficient in Microsoft Word, I just meant I used it to write a few essays. No, no, you're selling yourself short, Max. I can see here that you're a fast learner. That you're a real go-getter. We could sure as hell use someone with your attention to detaple. Why do you care so much? Because we need someone who has your training. I mean, you've got bar-tending certification, improv classes, couples cooking, member, a full-fledged member of the chess club, sales associate at a Cinnabon for 30 whole days one summer. And don't even get me started on your special interests.
That's right. Just the word boats.
If I come back this time, what's different? We want to give you your own division.
We're impressed by your leadership skills. Secretary of the high school anime club. That's an important role. Must be. It's the only bullet point under the huge heading that says leadership experience.
If you make the top part bigger, it makes the one thing you have seem better. That's smart thinking, Max. I'm sorry, I can't. Dammit, Max. I need someone with your problem-solving skills.
I mean, look at this. You couldn't figure out how to print double-sided, so you staple two pages back to back. So you notice that, huh? You're damn right I noticed that. I noticed that it's two different paper stocks, too.
Where the hell else am I going to find someone who's comfortable with Spanish? That's almost fluent, Max. Well, as they say in Mexico, no. I'm sick of your rules. I'm not giving up on you until you say yes.
Well, you know where to find me. That's right. NerudoFan420 at RocketMail.com. Actually, that's an old email. Oh, oh. That's what you have written down on the resume. I forgot to change the header part. Oh. I have a new one that's more professional. It's NerudoFan420 at Gmail.com. Then I guess I'll be contacting you there.
You know, I would have expected a lot more from the son of Bruce Action. My father? He was a good man.
Wait. What's the gig? It's an unpaid internship.
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun things.
And send help to keep me from sinking. Please, please help. Please help. |
dropout | fupa_music_video | so I put poison in his fucking toothpaste yeah that's what I'm talking about Bill you pollute the co-game poison right in the motherfucking crest yo that's what I'm talking about man good morning yo get a load of that what hey homeboys she's like not really my style bill that is a no no no that's more like a what two and a half yeah well what do you like then we happen to like a very special kind of woman check it out that's how that girl happens to possess the most beautiful part of the female anatomy the fupa what the fuck is a fupa see from New York City to the Atlantic Ocean there's a new phenomenon I got my pelvis in motion it's below the waistline but right above the pubes it's called the fupa girl now make it shit move make the fupa jump make the fupa swing when you go on the flight can you check that thing cuz it's a little bit bigger than the carry on you can store it in the Boston Aquarium because I like it wet I like it smooth but girl never sell it to an Eskimo do cuz they could use your food to heat the igloo stretch a fupa out and make a snowshoe if you don't ride fupas then I must say f yo to the P to the A it's not on your chest but it's kind of like a breast pull out the sweaty fupa and my answer is yes it's the fat upper pussy area the fat upper pussy area it's the fat upper pussy area and if you got one we want to marry ya the fupa you know what that mean I like a dirty fupa crazy and green smell them like a latrine with mad fucking backs bottle it up but drink a fupa for the ass girl put down the cauliflower start eating cheese fries every half hour cuz I like a fupa obese fat fupa I will want it so fat your legs stay dry in the shower like fupa spread out when you're lounging on my couch like it when it folded over look like fupa got a mouth and what my mouth say wanna f u c cat the f u p a every motherfucking day worship the fupa like the belly of the Buddha like a fish nothing calling fupa groupa Mexican fupa fupa jalupa blow on the fupa just like a fupa tube yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah recognize fuck yeah yeah Oh! |
dropout | how_the_internet_is_ruining_comedy | Hey guys, Sam here. I'm going to talk to you about College Humor, the YouTube channel and comedy empire that's really just the people you see here. This is TJ. He does VFX. I started running College Humor's video team ten years ago when I looked like this.
Gross. Those were the weirder, humbler days of the internet. Remember E-Mom's World? And action. Making internet videos is challenging, mostly because it pays Dick. And Dick doesn't pay for internet videos. I don't understand.
The script calls for a knight, castle, and a dragon. Would you settle for me, the conference room, and my dog? I can't say no to that.
Sure, we get advertisers on College Humor, but advertisers rarely want to make the same stuff we do. Like, for instance, a new season of Troopers. I've returned to destroy your planet. Instead, they want to make branded content.
With a blast of flavor from Chomsky's potato chips. Now eat the chips. I can't eat through the mask.
That's why we got into TV. To make bigger, bitter shows. But on TV, we answer to the networks. And the networks answer to, you guessed it, Chomsky's potato chips. So we can't make anything as R-rated as, say, Precious Pop. So he's saying TV ain't want us?
Fuck a bag. I can't say that. We suggest eat a bag of Chomsky's, that is. I can't stay mad at you.
Hey, don't be a sellout. Nowadays, many of our YouTube videos are deemed controversial and don't make any money.
Controversial can mean anything as small as, say, implied nudity. For the record, he is completely naked. Well, the script called for it. It actually called for implied nudity.
We're already here. Didn't you Uber here, by the way? We'll blur it on the day. Which is why you didn't need to be naked. So what do we do? How do we produce the shows we want and you want without watering them down for advertisers or networks? The answer is by going straight to you.
Today, we're announcing Dropout, our new subscription service. With Dropout, you'll get access to new, bigger, better, longer, uncensored shows from the people behind College Humor.
Ah! Get it! Faster, minions! Faster!
No, it's upside down. No, it's too hard. It's too easy.
It's like Netflix. But worse. And cheaper. Look, I get it. A lot of you aren't going to want to pay for this. And that's fine.
We'll still be releasing all of the free videos we normally do. In fact, we'll be releasing more, many free episodes of our new shows, for instance. So this should be a win-win for everyone. But for those of you who do subscribe, we'll be working tirelessly to make it worth your while. And we'll be doing that with shows from this guy, and that guy, and her, and her, and him, and this guy, and I don't know who this is, and digital comics, and funny chat stories, and Chomskis.
Get it! Get the chips, though!
Jesus, man. Hug me. It's my stingy. My sting's a lot! Um, actually, and I hate that I know this.
They've got a real good, like, face. Nap 20! Who's the coolest guy in the world? I am. Time to do the whole thing. You look like American Psycho. Tattoo of Jennifer Soares and cuts. Oh, Jesus! Well, that's just awesome. |
cracked | the_secret_horrors_of_being_a_character_on_star_trek | Hello, Captain. Yes, you're the captain of the Enterprise now. Go ahead, Captain.
You've got a whole universe of captioning ahead of you. And according to 1960s TV pitch document science, the universe is 400 billion galaxies wide.
You will never be out of work. And it's easy work, right?
Those dumb redshirts die while you show Green Hotties your Jeffree's tube, right? Well, here's the bad news, Chief. You're as dead as a redshirt already. You just don't know it yet. I know you think you're hot triple shit, but in this universe, even a hairless poet king like Picard gets burgified. Preparation is irrelevant.
For a senior Starfleet officer, getting assimilated, or turned into a zombie spider, or mutated into a space lizard who eventually mates with a fellow space lizard officer is a Tuesday. It's practically every Tuesday until you die, because no one can ever get promoted past space wanting you dead. If you've seen the first 10 seconds of any good Earth movies, you know space hates us for our brazenly confident space activities, like using a warp drive and replicating a good Earl Grey. But Starfleet doesn't seem to know that, because even though Earth developed safeguards against consoles blowing up in people's faces by the 20th century, any 24th century bridge officer going through minor galactic turbulence can say goodbye to their humanoid equivalent of eyebrows. It's probably a leadership issue, because of negligence on the part of Starfleet's corrupt admirals, which is all of them. Seriously, every admiral, every star date, even if they aren't controlled by secret brain parasites, which a lot of them are, as it turns out. Don't trust them. Just like you can't trust the fake people you meet on a holodeck break.
You've gone. Will this world still exist? That's right. All those hologram people are real people you're packaging and unpacking for the hell of it, who have every reason to future drug you, steal your uniform, and help nobody notices James Moriarty as the new junior lieutenant. They have real feelings, and they'll even try to escape the program on you. Is the definition of life cotto to ergo sum? I think, therefore I have. So yeah, that's on your conscience. And speaking of your conscience, have you seen the early 21st century film The Prestige? Don't worry about how we solve the scientific and logistical nightmare of transmitting people as data packets. Worry about whether those reassemble packets happen to still contain your soul.
You are dead, Jim. You died when you beamed away from the academy. And even if you'd stayed back on Earth, you'd probably end up dead there too.
In this universe's recent past, every major city on Earth was destroyed. Millions were killed in a nuclear war, and millions more, infected by radiation, were executed to prevent their damaged genes being passed on to future generations. Look at your crew, Cap. They're only in space to avoid Earth's next inevitable catastrophe and drink enough magic alcohol to forget the last one. We sit and wait to die.
Better start praying now. Or maybe you'd better start opposite of praying.
I gave you something most mortals never experience. And when it's not a goofball fake Greek god type, it's a fake god-possessed crew member, a fake god space probe, a fake god space entity, or actual Greek gods. Because, by the way, the Greek gods are real. Welcome to Olympus, Captain Kirk. Look, I just want you to be ready for a universe where there are only two kinds of carbon-based lifeforms colloquially known as people.
On one appendage, there are the redshirts, and on the other appendage, there are the secret redshirts. So I'm here to help, because otherwise, how would you have known you were a secret redshirt, right? It's not like your uniformed shirt is literally... Welp, um, I guess try to live longish.
So that video you just watched was actually an episode of After Hours. This is also After Hours, and every other video in the future will be.
So I hope you like dissecting, I don't know, pamphlets in, like, a dentist's office. There are five things about it that are secretly horrifying, and you'll find out how. Or next week! And speaking of your conscience, have you seen the early 21st century film The Prestige? Don't worry about how we solve the scientific and logistical nightmare of transmitting people as data packets. Worry about whether those reassemble packets happen to still contain your soul.
You're dead, John. You are dead, Jim! You died when you beamed away from the Academy!
And even if you'd stayed back on Earth, you'd probably end up dead there, too. In this universe's recent past, every major city on Earth was destroyed. Millions were killed in a nuclear war, and millions more, infected by radiation, were executed to prevent their damaged genes being passed on to future generations. Look at your crew, Cap. They're only in space to avoid Earth's next inevitable catastrophe and drink enough magic alcohol to forget the last one. We sit and wait to die!
Better start praying now. Or maybe you'd better start opposite of praying?
I gave you something most mortals never experience. And when it's not a goofball fake Greek god type, it's a fake god-possessed crew member, a fake god space probe, a fake god space entity, or actual Greek gods. Because, by the way, the Greek gods are real. Welcome to Olympus, Captain Kirk. Look, I just want you to be ready for a universe where there are only two kinds of carbon-based lifeforms colloquially known as people.
On one appendage, there are the redshirts, and on the other appendage, there are the secret redshirts. So I'm here to help, because otherwise, how would you have known you were a secret redshirt, right? It's not like your uniform shirt is literally... Welp, um, I guess try to live longish.
So that video you just watched was actually an episode of After Hours. This is also After Hours, and every other video in the future will be.
So I hope you like dissecting, I don't know, pamphlets in, like, a dentist's office. There are five things about it that are secretly horrifying, and you'll find out how. Who next week? |
dropout | the_weirdest_conversation_you_ll_overhear_all_nighter_2014 | College Humors All Nighter! Look I'm telling you people eat an average of 12 spiders a day not like while they sleep just like throughout the day I just can't possibly be true.
It is. Yes. See? Trap believes me. No. What? Checking.
Oh, he's in one of those automated phone menu things. So annoying.
3 3 4 1 Chattanooga High School Mr. Wolf's 0 7 8 9 3 6 9 7 Wooooow How does your credit card do that? Oh pen, anyone's a pen, anyone's a pen. A pen Blue ink Emily axper Naturally curly but wearing it straight About three months along A boy I think Oh my god Are you still talking to the bank or? Mr. Wolf's Five Inches Hard No No No Okay, you convinced me. Yes Uh uh uh I need the thing Paper with the thing with the paper with the paper with the paper Mike trap I'll go travel for that Say cheese Cheese? Oh god damn Adam Caught over Please don't bring me into this I came in like a racking ball Yes Account balance Okay cool Hang up No you Did you tell me a person? Okay same time One Two Three You didn't hang up either Oh my god You didn't hang up either And Mr. Wolf's Uh trap All that just to talk to your bank No that was my mom My dog died |
cracked | the_most_underappreciated_weapon_in_video_games | Greetings, Hail Traveler. This is high fortune indeed! I'm not expected to find an item shop in this inhospitable crag. Well, we're always expanding. Have ye an appointment? There's no one else here.
Ah, I see. You're not familiar with our system. I have much gold! I'm sure you do.
What can I help you find today? I need a map. I quest for the- Hi! I'll be your item maven today. What can I help you with? I need a map. I quest for the- Right this way. I was answering your question.
And what colour map were you interested in? sepia? Beige? Or khaki? The colour matters little.
It must encompass the breakfever mountains in the north all the way to the- The rut! Is this all your remaining stock?
The sign says maps. Actually, it says Map S? It's our latest adventuring map. What did you say you were questing for? I quest for the Lost Mines of the Dunmer. But a simple map cannot- Here we are. It's the yellow dot. The map overheard you saying Lost Mines of the Dunmer.
And it only weighs as much as a small stack of paper. Ye gods! A scrying scroll? Such power should be attainable only by the highest order of Dark Mage. What sorcery is this?
The kind that we're happy to offer with a two-year item care protection plan. For a modest additional sum.
Ah, yet the scale renders it useless. There are no details.
Ah, a demonstration, sir. Oh, and check ye this out. Whew! Ye gods!
This is literally more useful than every item I own and the one for which I quest. Which, I don't even remember what it is now. Mm-hmm.
That's plenty, thanks. Just talk right on over me. It even tracks the movements of nearby enemies. What? Even the invisible cloak and shadow slaves of the mugs are th... I'm... By Grubthor, I did. I did mean that, amazing.
Although, well, it seems like if I use this Map S, I'll just be going directly to wherever the map points me and killing everything in the way without even needing to know why or what I'm doing. Couldn't it, in some way, be said to cheapen the whole wandering adventure experience? Maybe. You'll get way more loot, though. You have convinced me, shopkeeper. I shall have this Map S. Very good, someone will ring that up for you. A wise choice, sir. I still don't see why I needed an appointment. Did you mention every adventurer who completes the tutorial gets a free map to start with? Slipped my mind. And would you like to purchase the item care plan with that?
To the depths with you, chisler! Froggdarr's mother beat no foolishness into her younglings. Just the map is fine. With this in my grasp, I shall become an unstoppable slaying force. But first, I grow hungry. Map S, find me a suit to burn- Argh! Oh, son of a hypocrite.
Hey, thanks for watching the video. I hope you share this with your friends and they share it with their friends and so on and so on. And we get a real virus of a content going. So please subscribe.
And then, click the like button if that's there or your current platform and time period's equivalent of a like button. It's a thumb up or like a okay or just the word yes. Click that. And then in the comments, just let us know what you did today. However mundane, I promise you at least a person will be mildly interested. |
SaturdayNightLive | extreme_wedding_snl | All right, let's hear it, Extreme Wedding Status Report. I can stack the groom's guests hot, tender and raw with a chance of curling them back if things get tight. Solid bra, I'll ride up the bride's side, ride up the middle with spillage, kickin' our folding chair style on the back end. gnarly work. Now Bras,: this is a wedding, not a wake, so let's stop being so stiff and rip the floor out of this church. let's do this! Hey, here's the groom bra of the hour.
Aw, Bra. what's up Bra? what's up Bra? What's up Bra? hey Bra,: what's wrong? you look like you got the jitters. it's not that bra. come on Bra, you can tell us. we're your bras.
All right Bras,: I'm a bit worried my wedding isn't gonna be extreme enough. Bra. Bra,: this is gonna be the most extreme wedding wall time. Bra,: it's in a church. I always figured I'd get married on top of a mountain or a volcano. if you ask me, this whole thing looks like too much like a wedding and not enough. like shredding.
Look, we know that we weren't your first choices for groomsmen, but who could have predicted that Pete would break his pelvis at the extreme bachelor party and then Speedy would shatter four vertebrae at the extreme tuxedo fitting. hey, did you visit Speedy at the hospital? Yeah, Bra. did he say anything? no, his jaw is still wired shut. thing is, we know how much this extreme wedding means to you and we're gonna come through. Now, Cutter, you go polish the ninja's throwing stars and scooch, you make sure that flower girl fits in the cannon.
All right. Honey, can I talk to you for a second? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I know you're not supposed to see the bride, you know, in my dress before the wedding. No, it's just like, where's your veil? I won't wear this.
Honey, you can't be extreme without being extremely safe. Now, what's the mood like out there? well. are people ready to shred? I'll tell you. to be honest, I think everyone is still a little shaken with what happened to Aunt Dolores at the Extreme Rehearsal Dinner. Ah, get over it. she broke her wrist. yeah, well, she's 84. and the doctor said the bone won't heal right and she'll probably never knit again, which is a shame because at 84, that's pretty much all she does.
Brawleywood, could you give us a second? Yeah, sure, brah, sure. I'll go check your harness. see ya.
Honey, I think this is getting a little out of hand. it's your wedding day. all brides get nervous. I'm not nervous about that. then what is it? I don't know.
I just don't think my dad's gonna make all the jumps, you know, I mean, he says he can, but he's just being proud and I think my mom has enough to worry about without having to double check her parachute. you know, she better double check it because at that speed, the shoot's the only thing that's gonna stop her from crashing through the stained glass. are you retarded? Uh, flame retarded.
Sweetheart, listen. we could have an Iron Cross wedding. hell, we could even have a quad twist wedding. But me, I want a dinner roll wedding. And I think you do too. that's why you're marrying me, and not Yani Latella.
Who's he? Exactly. Now listen. everything's gonna be fine, trust me. not cool, not cool. Oh My.
God, What happened? Oh man, Cutter tried to do a back flip over the alternate totally eight pew.
Oh my God, this wedding is a disaster. Does this mean I won't make it to the finals? For the last time, it's not the finals. it's a wedding.
Bruh, I'd better get some sick air if I send this wheelchair down to steps.
Oh, let's do it, Bruh. Yeah! honey, there's only one thing you need to remember. When I get into my retrofitted German-made skeleton and come barreling down our extreme wedding half pipe to shoot off the extreme ramp of matrimony, I'm gonna be thinking two things. One, how much I love you, and Two, did I nail the landing? Oh my God, you'll nail that landing. Okay, I'm gonna go put my jet pack on. And baby? I know, check the thrusters. that's my girl. Bruh, it's showtime. let's do it all! Hey, I can't thank you enough for all your help.
You know that dude on the West Wing? forget it, it's been a crazy day. Praise the Lord, you're still here, Bros. I think I overshot the pulpit by a few rooms. Bruh, it is hard finding a good extreme Priest, Bruh. you said it, Bruh. Yeah, could you okay? |
dropout | the_ultimate_internet_love_song | When it came to you and me, I asked if we'd be bland And like David at the dentist, I didn't know what was happenin' But like Leo, strollin' through my mind like you do And I knew all my love all belonged to you Boom goes my heart, it'll never stop Like Appalachian State, girl, you hot, hot, hot Are you from Heaven, baby?
Cause that's how you make me feel But shoot on your head so I know that you read To motivate my nerve, I'ma stumble upon ya I'm sweatin' so much, people thinkin' I'm bomber Cause your love like Charlie gave me and I started actin' crazy Got me so mixed up inside, I'm soundin' like a great lady Damn, what am I doin', man?
I'm rugged by doubt I'm freakin' like someone canceled my Warcraft account Got all of these emotions locked up inside Gotta tell you how I feel before I do it live You're cuter than the kid in the little video Make me laugh like a cat playin' piano And I mean this when I say it, baby Never forget that I love you even more than the internet Face two, we're together like buggin' little sister in my huggles room Every time that I miss you, when you're gone I feel sick like girls with a cup But you know I roll like Rick and I'll never give you up And I'll never let you down, it's time to make a statement I'm comin' in with confidence like Leroy Jenkins Wear a crisp clock, I ask, get that dude on the phone Cause just like Britney Spears, I won't leave you alone Got me walkin' on air like Peter Pan, man Call me Star Wars kid, cause my love's embarrassed Sayin', and choose your bedroom, run and tell that son And like a long cat, my love goes on and on I'm a good with new man, I'ma hear you, my hulk Pop the question and impress you like my head, I kiss you I got down on one knee to make a statement So bold like a leprechaun in a tree, let me give you the dough You axled my heart, and I don't even mind Got me dressin' inside like it's peanut butter jelly time And I mean this when I say it, baby Never forget, that I love you even more than the internet It's been fair, you shut me down, sad like he I know I'm in pain cryin' out like you tase me, bro Feelin' like you keep my heart screamin', this is Sparta Now it's ripped out of my chest, and it's torn apart You left a hole in my soul, black bit like goats And can't pray, it's like Sarah, cause I'm feelin' low See, all I ever wanted from you, baby, was to be your man But now, just like Picard, got my head in my hand Can't hold back the tears, I gotta let him go And I'm cryin' like I just wanted to make his snow Now I'm with him, baby, when I think about the day Like a comment, tell him, dig, I got nothin' nice to say But time heals all year, later you're online Like my space, I haven't seen you in a while You're so far apart, girl, you on a different track But still, just like Facebook, won't they owe you back? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Dan_Andrews_Suffering_From_Event_Cancellation_Withdrawals_A_Groundbreaking_Report_Local_Teach_ | Hello and welcome to the Betuda Advocates Weekly Bulletin my name is Wendell Hussey I'm in the booth here at Desert Rock FM with Effie Bateman, Euphemia Bateman is her full name Clancy Overell, Errol Parker are off doing whatever it is they're doing, I think Clancy's on Mike Cannonbrook's boat at this point I believe he is, he is at some point this weekend he's down in Sydney doing something, I hope he's wearing sunscreen because he keeps getting hurt, I know he'll come back and then he'll be sitting in his chair wriggling around complaining about that and Errol Parker's doing something in the territory fishing I think he's chasing Barra I don't know, anyway those two are away it's actually a Thursday afternoon recording this one a little bit early because myself and yourself we're off we're down to the Tuscany of Australia that's the Byron Shire Splendor in the Grass we're down there covering that which is a good perk of the job isn't it doing a bit of music journalism I guess you could say, who you came for, look Lizzo it's all about Lizzo for me you know what I mean obviously you know you want to see the guys like Hilltop Hoods and it was not your fault but mine yeah I know I'm very excited for those guys but nah it's all about Lizzo for me you know can't wait to see that Friday night should be a belter but we should get into the weekly news wrap and we'll kick it off probably the biggest one of the week Dan Andrews has been forced to apologise for bailing on the Commonwealth Games and he said he's suffering from event cancellation withdrawals yes the Victorian premier has today apologised for acting out this week after he sensationally decided to call the Commonwealth Games off announced to much fanfare last year the games were set to be hosted across a number of regional cities in Victoria but Andrews has called them off this week saying that the initial costing of 2.6 billion has now blown out to six or seven billion now obviously plenty of people were asking how you get it wrong by that much in the space of a few months but it says being confirmed that Andrews actually just cancelled the games because he was suffering from event cancellation withdrawals premier told us he was just itching to cancel a major gathering of people and said that the nation should actually be pretty thankful he didn't do it the night before as he's quite often accustomed to moving on to some more national news and a groundbreaking report has confirmed the Brie and Camembert are just the cheese version of a latte and flat white yes it has been discovered that the debate is just the cheese version of the latte and flat white argument as in nobody except weird food snobs really knows the difference between the two of them and a member of the study said to us you tell me if anyone can tell the fucking difference between the two nobody has ever said to their barista oh excuse me sir you have given me a latte when I ordered a flat white or if they have they have way too much time on their hands I think it's all the same shit and we're essentially being given the illusion of choice a bit philosophical there at the end school holidays around the country over the last little while and a local teacher has revealed that she was actually working most of the school holidays and it actually wasn't a fucking holiday okay so get that into your head a local high school teacher has cleared up a big misunderstanding today Jess Rachelle from our town's Battuta Heights district has revealed that she's not been on holiday for the past couple of weeks and while technically she has had over two weeks off work to do whatever she wants she says it's been far from holiday yeah real real funny like it's a funny joke but it's actually just not true at all and she said to us please I wish I had two weeks off ha ha ha ha ha ha she didn't laugh quite heavily the HSIA teacher from Battuta Heights High said she's actually been flat out doing teaching plans catching up on admin and just doing heaps of other work because she is working and isn't on fucking holiday Jess it's all right to be on holiday you you know you're doing doing incredible work there you're teaching the next generation of kids it's a thankless task it's fucking emotional you got 30 kids shouting at you all day you need some time off you do need some time off it's all right you don't have to tell us you're working all the time through the holiday and lastly granddaughters graduation news in family group chat quickly drowned out by the 15th photo of baby nephew yeah a Battuta Ponds woman has this week been informed that none of her family give two shits that she's graduated from university after attempting to share the happy news in the family group chat after a grueling six years of blood sweat and tears turn it up a little bit that's from Tamara Bishop she's finally completed her double degree in law and commerce and by God does she want some fucking praise for it do it for yourself tomorrow yeah popping in the obligatory graduation gown photo Tamara patiently waited for the praise and adoration of a hard work to come flowing in but unfortunately that half a decade's worth of sacrifices were no match for a photo of a three-year-old nephew Tommy doing absolutely nothing which was uploaded a mere three minutes later Tommy's fucking cute I've seen pictures of him he's an incredibly cute baby and law and commerce boring you know what I mean boring anyway that's us making news today see you later have a great weekend |
cracked | dear_mark_zuckerberg_please_don_t_run_for_president | Hey you, it's that time again another American presidential election cycle I'll wait while you celebrate seems to happen earlier and earlier every time I know the 2016 election technically started in November 2014 when world-famous Jim Webb formed an exploratory committee followed by Jeb Bush forming a pack in December I'm sure they text about it all the time So that was two years before the election and our president's been in the White House for a month and a half So let's get to it SUCKERBERG So we don't really you you don't we don't want Really Suckerberg, that's right my feigned surprise mark Zuckerberg is hinting at running for president And he's posting those hints on his Facebook page Which is to say he is shouting about running for president it all started when he announced that he'd found religion And was no longer an unelectable un-american atheist we scroll past the video of him Celebrating the birthday of his horse that started to turn into a mop But then stopped halfway, and he still kept it cuz he's such a great guy And you'll see that Zuckerberg hired David Plouffe to work for him David Plouffe led Barack Obama's successful 2008 presidential campaign And was a senior advisor for several years and not to be outdone by himself Zuckerberg also hired Kenneth Melman who ran George W. Bush's successful 2004 campaign, so Those are things he's also recently reworked Facebook's shareholder power structure So he can retain voting control even if he divests from the company which should he want to be president would ensure that he has no Conflicts of interest of which our current president still has Many and according to Facebook Zuckerberg is starting a listening tour around the country saying he and his wife are Taking a road trip through the south this week as part of my challenge to visit every state in the US tough challenge for billionaires Travel anyway, there's nothing presidential about this He's just gonna drive through the country shake some hands get to know the real America eat some homestyle vittles and dirt slaw and post things like I had lunch with community leaders and Waksahatchee who shared their pride in their home and their feelings on a divided country I met young moms and West Moved back to their town because they want their kids to be raised with the same values They grew up with and I met with ministers and Waco We're helping their congregations find deeper meaning in a changing world We may come from different backgrounds, but we all want to find purpose and authenticity And something bigger than ourselves. God bless you. God bless the United States of America Applause I added that last sentence, but only that last sentence So generally he's talking like a politician these days and he seems to be drawing a stark contrast between himself and whoever he might Have to run against in 2020 like this post from the heart of Alabama it seems like a good time to say thank you to all the journalists around the world who work tirelessly and Sometimes put their lives in danger to surface the truth I don't always agree with everything you say, but that's how democracy is supposed to work.
Who does that not sound anything like ever I?
Don't know this contrast is probably the most obvious in Zuckerberg's recent Facebook manifesto Which tackles issues like fake news and real news being called fake news community culture globalization The internet was a buzz there were many takes of varying temperatures like the problem with Mark Zuckerberg's new Facebook manifesto it isn't political enough or Mark Zuckerberg's letter to the world looks a lot like politics or Mark Zuckerberg's manifesto is a political train wreck, so Thank the internet for every opinion I have no take to offer myself, but I guess my contribution will be that in his manifesto He used the word government or governance 13 times, but only three times in his previous manifesto, so Proof fake news, okay, so I think it's pretty clear that you're probably considering running for president Zuck and Please don't I know you've said you're not you know everybody says that so like you probably are running right, but also don't we don't We don't need that like hey, man You were great, but I think after this go-around we should probably get back to electing civil servants to the office You know like I experienced intelligent civil servants who know what they're doing not that you're unintelligent, but I'm You put your college directory online. That's that's it You know and yeah You created it and sustained it and you run a company and you donate to charity and you do a lot of good things but mostly You put your college directory online, and you want to be the president you're you're not a comfortable speaker You made an AI butler from your home, which is neat But in doing so you took Morgan Freeman's voice changed his name and made him your slave. It's weird You're in charge of Facebook. You basically own the media You can't be the president you own all of our information all of our data America is more divided than ever and the Facebook Helped us create our bubbles by using algorithms to only show us things we like and things we already agree with and your manifesto kind of points To it getting even worse your manifesto also had passages that have since been deleted that indicate that you're working on AI To read through people's private messages in order to detect potential terrorists and harassment, so so that's cool reading our messages Mr..
President just Don't you're a smart guy you've got some good positive ideas about community and you seem pretty committed to using all of your billions of dollars to make positive steps in Education and health and society in the planet great But also so far they've made one movie about you And you definitely weren't like the good guy in it so in conclusion Zuck Need idea, but hey could you not this has been another episode of hey Could you not join us next time when I confront myself about making this a regular series in fact No, no episodes. This was it is the only one Could I not yeah, I couldn't I won't I'm not gonna end of series everybody thanks for watching that video on YouTube and make sure to it's like a little little thump you click it click like and It should be it'll say subscribe leave a words comment leave a comment and That's good |
dropout | balloon_animal_challenge_pregnant_direwolf | Hi, I'm Mike Trapp, here with our friend Dan Siegel, a very confident man who believes that he can make anything out of balloons. We asked our writers to come up with something that would really stump Dan. I have those suggestions here, so I'm gonna choose one at random and see what it is that Dan is going to make.
Dan, how do you feel? Nervous. All right.
The suggestion is a pregnant direwolf. A pregnant direwolf?
Yes, like from Game of Thrones. You can have the day. Thank you, Mike. Good luck, Dan. Wish me luck.
I don't think any of this information is actually going to help me make this happen. So I've never actually made an animal body this way. I don't know if it's going to work in my head if I'm thinking it will. So I'm worried there's like an entire chapter on what a direwolf looks like. But all the fans are going to feel a little mad at me for getting it wrong.
And this would be the direwolf's big belly, and you could reach in to get the direwolf puppies out. But that's not really going to work, because then it's going to just look like you're pooping out the dogs.
There she is. Here we go.
I just need to make sure that it looks like an angry direwolf and not Frida Kahlo. As I mentioned, I have no idea what I'm doing. I want to be able to stick my hand in here to give birth to the direwolf babies and essentially figure out how to make some kind of direwolf vagina. So it looks like holla bread, making me hungry.
So you're done. You feel good about this? I'm a little nervous what you guys will think. Oh, shit! I'm glad to be eating.
It's a bone. It's nearly a bone with some marrow coming over there. Yeah, it's flesh. Just some flesh. This is such a horrifying face with eyebrows.
So I guess if you guys want, you can deliver some pups. I mean, Murph is standing closest to the birth to those. Yes, right there. And see what you can get.
Oh my god.
Does anyone else want a puppy?
There's like a bunch of them. You guys can all deliver them. Yeah, I'm pretty proud of her. Thank you guys for the challenge.
What are we doing with this? We're just going to let it slowly deflate until it looks horrifying, right? Alright. Do you think we were too easy on Dan? If you have a suggestion of something that Dan can make, leave it in the comments below. We'll choose the best one for next time. Maybe something that's not abstract, like some kind of animal or person.
Or like a reproduction of Versailles. Yeah, not the reproduction of Versailles.
No more pregnancies. |
SaturdayNightLive | paulie_herman_at_the_diner_saturday_night_live | Wow, this door is a nice place here. yes, sorry, I've got all the baking done right on the premises. Oh, boy, I love to eat out.
Hey, buddy, we don't have much room here, so you're gonna have to share a booth. Okay. lady, you mind sharing a booth with this guy? All right, have a safe. thank you very much. my name's Paulie Herman. nice to meet you.
I'm from Jersey. Are you from Jersey? I'm from Jersey.
All right, we got a little jukebox right here. we can listen to some real music there. Wow, they got a lot of contemporary artists. look at that, Jerry Vail, Al Martino. terrific. The Police. hey, you think Barney Miller's with that group? thank you.
So, where in Dallas are you from? well, you know, Preston Road? No. oh, you know, uh, Allendale Lane? No. you ever been to Dallas? no. let me ask you a question. what? what is that cologne you're wearing?
Ethyl chloride. that's a good one. Yes, we make it at the plant where I work. You know, I could proudly say that the chemical company that I work for owns four toxic waste dumps. this is a card. thank you very much.
Oh! you know what you want, Buddy? this is a turnpike diner. hey, what's this, less cheesecake before exit? Oh, okay. then I'd like an omelet playing with wheat toast, please. no wheat toast. What, are you out of wheat toast? Don't argue with me. you get white toast with an omelet. Okay. put that in what you want. but that's not what I want. that's not what he wants. read the menu. it says, no substitutions. you know? can't you read? where you from? she's from Jersey. are you from Jersey? hey, listen, you two. you know, I don't have all day to fool around. yeah, you know, all he wants is an omelet with whole wheat toast. you know, I'm tired of people coming in here like you and thinking they could change the rules. you know, this reminds me of a movie I saw once. Yeah. no. no. you gonna order or what? let me see if I can do it. bring him a plain omelet. plain omelet. bring him a chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat toast with lettuce, mayonnaise, and tomatoes.
You got that? Yes. good. Now hold the tomatoes. hold the lettuce. hold the mayonnaise. hold the chicken between your knees. And bring this mayonnaise. whole wheat toast. One more thing. Yes. I got to know how to handle it. Wow. oh, wow. Listen, I know a better place down the street. let's get out of here. Oh, yeah. kinda messy. I didn't get around here. what the hell? Oh, yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | clinton_kosovo_cold_open_saturday_night_live | And now a message from the President of the United States. Good evening. For the past two weeks, our nation, along with our Nato allies, have been involved in an effort to halt Serbian aggression in the former Yugoslav providence of Kosovo.
Very early on, I was honest and forthright in saying that we would not use ground troops. Under any circumstance, I was telling the truth. What a stupid idea. By taking away the ground troop option, I gave Serbian President Milosevic a golden opportunity to continue his reign of terror. There you go. First time I tell the truth during my six years in office, That screws everything you know in my gut. I knew I should have kept lying, but my advisors told me to disregard my deepest personal convictions and tell the truth. Frankly, the idea of telling the truth repulsed me, but they convinced me it would work this way. Everyone knows I'm a liar. So when I said no ground troops, Milosevic would then think, okay, Clinton's a liar So they are sending ground troops.
I'm screwed. I'm gonna give up.
But no, He chose to believe me. Why? don't you guys have Cnn over there? You can't believe what I say.
I'm Bill Clinton. Anyway, after reviewing the facts and consulting my spiritual advisors, I have determined that honesty is a bad policy. I'm going back to my old style.
So everybody, listen up. I will Not send ground troops into that country. Serbia. Listen up.
I did not give orders to have Milosevic assassinated. I do not want his head on a stick after he's gone. I have no intention of throwing a kick ass all night party in the link and late at that party, I will not go up to Kate, the new girl we hired and I will not be wearing a fake mustache. And I will not say the President's gone. my name is Mac.
Wanna fool around? I feel so good. Here's some more honesty for you people. Ask me if Russia gets involved. will you bomb them? Let me say that depends on what your definition of bomb is. Finally, I will defy a protocol and not start this show by saying Live From New York. it's Saturday night. |
cracked | mystery_men_review_aka_the_boys_but_90s | I didn't watch those as a kid. You know what? We're live now, and I was supposed to hit the intro or whatever, but I forgot. No intro?
We're live. We gotta do it, acapella. Yeah. We'll do it live.
I honestly don't even know where it is.
Great. Ali. Fantastic restraint. Okay.
Now we all go for the 22 people watching. I would like to think that we get better and better at sort of like figuring out the flow of these every week. But the one thing we have not yet mastered is how to start it. And this has been a prime example of exactly that. Well it's because we're talentless. Let's start. Welcome to the Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies which are like books, but better. I've said that every week.
That's pretty talent. That's pretty good.
Sometimes you say it wrong, but it's kind of like breaking on SNL. That's what really... Yeah. It's because it's real. It shows that we're just totally doing this in the moment. Yeah.
I'm pulling a Fallon over here. I'm your host, Jordan Breedy, and I'm joined by my co-hosts, Jesse and Ali.
Say hello. Hello. What's up?
I think of myself as the Chris Catan of this podcast. Oh, sure. I will soon... I'm sure I'll soon be gone and no one will ever think of me ever again. I always got a whole bushel of apples right next to her just in case she feels the urge to do some slapstick apple eating.
Yeah, and then like breaking and just like sort of just like generally not committing to anything and then being like, why did I get fired? I'm not in any good sketches, you know, stuff like that. Sorry.
I'm going to be pulling double duty again, so I'm never going to have anything to say that relates to anything that you two are saying because I'm watching the comments, which segues nicely into, if you have anything interesting to say, keep it to yourself. If you have an observation or a question or an alternate movie title, shoot it in the comments and there's about a 25% chance I will notice and mark it and then we'll discuss it. Sounds great. And... I love when daddy says, just listen, kids, I don't want you to know, I'm not listening to what you guys are saying. I've got friends on the internet and I'm going to be listening to what they're saying. I find their input extremely important. But whatever you're saying is garbage, it's in one ear and out the other. I didn't hear any of that. So let's get into our film. I got to press the button to truly, I'm not going to be useful at all.
Today we're talking about mystery men. I made the title for this mystery men slash because I needed something, The Boys, but 90s. I don't know if you guys have seen that show, but I'm going to bring that up a lot. Are they bad at their jobs or are they like unconventional in The Boys or are they just like super? They're more like sponsored and off brand. They're sort of playing with tropes in a similar way that mystery men does. But in a much, in a much more serious way and very violent and much more violent.
But definitely like the what's his name, Captain Amazing here. Just straight up. Yeah, exactly like the main good guy from The Boys.
Yeah, he's not very good. That's an interesting thought that I'm not going to discuss until later. Oh, my God, this is going to be so tough. I need Brian. I should have invited Brian, but I forgot.
So here's what we're going to do. Jesse is going to recap this film. And then I'm going to explain why we're talking about it if I hear Jesse finished speaking in time. Go. OK, so we start out in in inner city Chicago.
Damon Wayans is a young boy. That's the worst 90s parody film.
Yeah, good one. I'm trying to do a bad recap off the top of my dome. What I've got so far is that three buds team up with Kel and post masturbation Scandal Paul Rubens. Hell yeah.
And end up finding the two of them being the only people just about in this whole city that have actual superpowers. But they decide they're not still not complete. They end up teaming up with Janine Garofalo and her and her undead dad undead. And they go off and they essentially find themselves in the boys situation. There is a superhero in this city, but I guess he's so good at his job that he puts himself out of a job.
Yeah, I'm abandoning the bad recap and I'm going back to the good recap. Yeah, you're just telling us what's happening now.
Yeah, so the one superhero he's sponsored by like Pepsi and stuff. But because he's gotten rid of all the bad guys, he's losing sponsors. So he unleashes his arch nemesis, who then is too much to handle.
And this ragtag group of farters and nudists and all that stuff have to go and save the day. Are you nude if you don't have genitals discussed? This is the big.
Is there a way for you to get the picture up? I don't think the Internet will let you moderators. I don't think Zuckerberg would let me post a photo of a nude black child until you sent me the picture of which we were speaking.
I did not notice. I didn't either.
Yeah, I was looking I was looking right at the spot. You were you were studying, obviously.
Just to clarify really quickly, there's a character whose whole power is that he's invisible, but only when nobody is looking, including himself. Although we're going to talk about that later, because that's definitely doesn't make any sense because his clothes fall off. Yeah, he should be very aware that something has happened to him. It doesn't matter. But anyway, so his clothes fall off when he turns invisible. He does something and then everybody looks at him and he's standing there naked and they're all like, ha ha, you're naked.
Cover your penis. But they show a full body shot of him and he like puts his hands over his crotch. But I freeze framed it for for my co-host. He freeze framed it for his pervert co-hosts and there's nothing there either got CG'd out or he's tucking it or he's he's tucking it for sure. I was going to say, if you want to know my real guess, is that he was wearing latex underwear that matches his skin tone and they sort of CGI'd out the little hemline, but he was like wearing like, you know, it makes it look like a Ken doll down there. That's not a fun answer, but that is what I think happened. I think he was wearing a bright green tube sock and not a whole thong because then they still have, you know, there's more work to do, but just a tube sock and then boom. Well, it's funny because they make a they make a joke essentially about how huge his penis is. They're like, you need two hands to cover that.
And it's very funny. I love that. Well, but it's like even with the one finger, he's good. Very clear.
There's nothing there's nothing going on. Leave Kelle alone.
I'm sure. Hasn't been through enough massive hell alone. It's already not on SNL or whatever. Shouldn't have looked at his IMDB. I wonder if that's like the last big film that he did, because that's definitely after Good Burger, right? Yeah. I don't know.
That was another movie I loved. I really loved that movie.
That's funny. Somebody with the last name Safa Nafos suggests that he got surgery for the film and now he. Well, let me tell you is now. OK, there is a there is a I guess you'd call it a subculture, but there's there are people who identify as Nolos.
Have we talked about this on the pod before? No, what you're saying is making my stomach flip. Sometimes you tell me the most stuff, Jesse. Sometimes Jesse just introduces the most the most crazy stuff to my life, and then I know it now. And then people be like, how do you know that? And I'll be like, well, Jesse said it once in a mod meeting.
You don't have when I call it four in the morning. You don't have to answer. If you answer, I assume you want to learn about Nolos.
Yeah, I'm like, all right, to hit me, tell me. But it's basically what you think it is. It's people who want to be completely smooth like a Ken doll. And right. There are many of us. We have conventions. All right. And so the reason we're doing this movie to bring us on track back to the back is because when I was a child and very impressionable, I saw this movie with my whole family and then I subsequently saw it 20 more times like we rented it from Blockbuster and it was just on repeat kind of like the raid in college. It's this. It's the raid. And there's probably a third movie I watch, but it's really just these two.
And I freaking loved it as a kid. And I know that Jesse only likes things in the 90s that are terrible. So I figured I would I would throw him a frickin bone and let him, you know, clap with all the bright colors. Yeah, I mean, I was for sure cracking up in an embarrassing way. But this was a an absolute favorite of mine when I was a kid.
I'd like to interject with my version of why we're doing this particular movie. It's that when Jordan was at his peak fury, fury of having to watch indignation. Yeah, having to watch a blank man. He suggested that maybe we watch a good bad superhero movie and said like mystery men.
And I guess it's been long enough now that it's time to get back on that horse. Yeah, this is for all the true fans, the fans that listen to blank man and have just been desperately waiting for months for us to follow through. This is for you guys. Don't say we don't care about you.
All right, so let's get into it. What'd you guys think? What did you what did you want to talk about? I have one thought. I mean, I'm just going to dive in. I know I asked you.
I think one of the interesting things about this movie that I still really enjoyed is that everybody involved with the movie thought it was boring. I don't know if you guys were reading any of these interviews or anything. But everybody was like, well, the script sucked. So I made it cool. We're like in silly was like, I thought it was lame. But then I got to say whatever I wanted. So then it was rad. And like every director, everybody involved with it, like the people that bought the movie were like, this is really boring, but maybe we can make it good. And so it's just fascinating to me that everybody involved was like, I don't really want to be here.
Yeah. And yet it's one of the best casts ever assembled. I was going to say, I have a very clear memory of watching this for the first time at a sleepover birthday party, probably at the age of ten or something. We loved it. It became one of those things that I was like, oh, we'll watch Mystery Men. So like I've seen it a bunch of times.
As a kid, you don't know that every single actor is like an extremely well-established and quite well-renowned actor and or the most unexpected cameo of all time. There's like there's like a for like, I mean, not like as a kid, you're not like that's Tom Waits. But like even beyond that, like there was a weird like segment segment of there was like a run of weird cameos that started with Dane Cook as the waffle man, the waffler. But he wasn't anything yet, right? I feel like this is just like an early career. I looked at I truly looked it up. I was like, is this guy famous at this point? And the answer was like, no, he probably was doing some like touring shows and some like road gigs, but he wasn't like Dane Cook.
And then after him as pencilhead is Doug Jones. Does that name sound familiar to you guys? Doug Jones is the super tall, very physical actor who is always the monsters in like things like he's in a lot of Guillermo de Toro movies. He's like this guy. Oh, wow. And he's also sexy fish man. Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, but he also is like he's from Shaping the Water. Anytime there's a guy in a ton of prosthetics who needs to do like a really involved physical performance, it's always him. Like he was recently on Oh, what we do in the shadows as like that weird old baron who's like, do you know what I'm talking about?
Do you guys watch my show? I do, but I don't remember that. I've only seen like sort of the first season. Yeah.
Who's who's who's the guy? Who's the little guy that's Andy Serkis? Yeah, he's like he's like the glass to Andy Serkis.
Yes.
If they were both in a movie together, there wouldn't need to be any other actors. I just really quickly want to back up because Jesse, when you said sexy fish man, Jesse said Jason Momoa. And I actually am very much here for a shape of water remake. But with Jason Momoa as a fish guy playing a big sexy fish man, I think I would have bought the premise a little bit more easily if Jason Momoa was like swinging in my bathtub and be like, well, yeah. You'd be like, I have to flood my bathroom.
I love toys. Yeah, love transits language. That's totally derail us.
But I'd also like to while we're still in the pencil head guy. That is I don't know if there are other I don't know if it's a deliberate Easter egg or if there are others like this, but there is a horrible supervillain, an old Batman villain from like the fifties called The Eraser. And he's a big old pencil. He's just a guy dressed like a pencil. And and his catch is catchphrase is also like something about like eraser. He doesn't erase crime, but he races all the clues so that people can get away with crime. But it's just so perfect how the dumbest idea for a superhero or his super superhero was already been a supervillain.
I mean, this movie definitely. Really tried to stake some claim on the dumbest powers of all time. Hold on.
Before we get off cameos, did you see Michael Bay as a frat dude? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, Michael Bay. I was like, that frat guy looks very familiar to me. And it's freaking it's Michael Bay.
Also, CeeLo Green is in there as as one of the whatever they they wrap. Every single person who shows up is crazier than the last. Yeah, like I know the group you're talking about didn't like that. Well, I feel like they that was a misstep. But I mean, CeeLo Green has pretty weird.
It is so funny that like the character that is established for the Jeffrey Rush character as a Casanova Frankenstein. Is that his name? Is that he is sort of a the classic expectation of like a British rich bond villainous kind of guy, a supervillain, super genius, German, whatever. He's kind of got that bond villainy thing where he's like, I live in a castle.
I'm very smart. I invent stuff and I kill the city. But also, I have a disco attack on my basement and I do love disco. I love that.
And his his only true power is his extremely sharp fingernail with which he attacks any. Yeah, I do love fingernail. And it's so round. They didn't even bother to put a little point on it. Yeah. Perfectly round little fingernail.
He's like very clearly rubbing ketchup on her neck or whatever. That was also what Jeffrey Rush's like first feature film.
I read somewhere. No, that can't be true. It can't be true, but that's what I read. And I was hoping you would just agree with me. That's what I read on the like.
Shoot, Breitbart. That's what I was going to say. But it took too long for me to say it. Hold on. 1981. He's not a young man. Yeah.
Oh, you're telling me. How does it feel? We're both reading stuff and now you have to talk. Yeah, now, you know, I'm reading something. I was reading. I already landed on it.
I said 1981. He's he was in a movie in 1981. Was it was it a big movie? Was it like every rush fear and love and lay mess and frickin Jeffrey Rush was cast in what was his first Hollywood film in July of whatever year they were producing it.
Sorry, Wikipedia said it. Wikipedia said it.
I mean, yeah, he was in Shakespeare in love in 1998 and mystery man is 1999. So when did it come out? And I mean, lame is that lame is they're talking about is technically a TV series, it was not a feature film. But well, there you have it. Really? Wow. What an interesting piece of trivia. But Shakespeare in Love was a Broadway series. Was it what?
No, it wasn't that had frickin Liam Neeson in it. I knew him a Thurman man was a frickin dead on the screen. No, you guys get out of here.
We forget talking about Jordan loves lame is. Don't you fucking disrespect lame is around Jordan.
I have seen that one many times. I really I thought it was I did not think it was in theaters. I don't maybe I'm wrong.
Well, I'm really annoyed right now. Let's just move on to even talk about this anymore. Yeah, they had awful hero ideas and names.
Oh, my God. What's the funniest thing? Is it can we start cursing? It was a duo called Lucky Pierre and the French Tickler. That's just so funny. I don't know why. You know, it's the funnier, very irreverent one that we don't actually see. Did you catch?
Kel mentions there's a crime fighting duo called White Flight and the Black Menace. And they think they work together.
Oh, no, that's very funny. I think that's very out of its time also, considering your 1999. Yeah, it just sort of he just sort of mentions it and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're writing it down like so funny. Between that, yeah, the names and like the names of the weapons and the and the different like technologies that they that they make up just all start like it's it's very funny back to what you're saying, Jordan, at a certain point in production, everybody involved was like, this sucks. This is boring.
Yeah, even from the beginning, when like Danny DeVito was supposed to star and direct, he was like, I'll only do it if I get full control over the soundtrack. I guess he hated Smash Mouth that badly. I mean, this is something we have to get into at some point, because it's get into it crazy that this movie has. A Smash Mouth needle drop, and it has been so fully subsumed in the pop culture by the Shrek all star Smash Mouth needle drop that I was shocked. Two years later, I was genuinely when it started, my jaw dropped. I was like, I did not know that other movies attempted all star before Shrek, because it's this like might as well. Do you think they're mad? I think I remember saw this movie and doing it for his upcoming self, saw this movie and was like, I'm not directing and starring in Shrek unless I have full control of the soundtrack and we're doing all star. That's why Chris Farley pulled out of Shrek.
That's a little that's a little too soon. But I remember them promoting this movie with all star a lot and being and this time around. And also when I was a youth being so surprised at how quickly it was over. I thought it was going to be like a soundtrack to the whole movie based on like, I want to look up the trailer and see if I think it it comes back in the credits or like the end scene. They're just like they just wanted to tease us with it. Yeah, they do like one line of it in the movie. And then as they're like walking away from the blown up mansion, it plays more.
It was. Talking. Well, who was supposed to play if he was in the movie? Hold on. Is this true?
David Guy says that the music video for All Star was mystery men themed. Dude, yes, actually, 100 percent. Or at least that was like a version that was on like TRL or Fuse or whatever. I mean, but yeah, they were very much linked in my brain. That's the dashboard, confessional and Nickelback in Spider-Man style music video combos.
Yes, that's delightful. Interesting. I feel like there's a there's like a deep dive article in here somewhere. There's like like the history of needle drops for like a smash mouth. Fuck. I mean, that's very fun. Jordan, that's your column in this week's crack.
Yeah.
Can you do some extra work? Can you do some investigative extra work? Yeah, I'll do that. A little bit of research, like a couple hours of research.
I'll just go contact our newsletter guy. Well, RIP newsletter. Yeah, anymore.
He got a job.
He chose someone else over me and us and my all star deep dive Shrek. Let's move on really quick before we move on.
I was just thinking about blank man and mystery men both have the same convention of well, they're like this superhero can't think of a name. So the reporter gave them a name.
Why are you Han Solo? What's your name? I don't know. Solo.
Yeah. Honestly, when you asked for alternate titles of this movie, I was going to say there was a joke at the end of this movie, which I love, where as they're finally, you know, celebrating the fact that they overcame the villain, there's a news reporter who's like, what are you guys called? And they come up, which is why that my title for this movie is blank man. Amazing. Perfect. Like man. It's just like, I think I just came up with myself. I don't think there's another movie called it. I think this movie, this movie could 100 percent be alternately called titled like man, but they but this movie is more than one. Yeah. For a woman. Like, yeah, I'll tell them are women. Yeah. Blank, blank people, blank, blank folks with an X. But this movie does a really good job of subverting even the very last second because like the reason blank man, the reporter said somebody says he's gone blank, man. And that's his name now. In this one, the reporter says like, we'll just have to keep our eye on these mystery men. And then the leader of the group is like, I got it. We're the what is it even called?
Like a super squad. Yeah, super squad.
Yeah. It's a really good joke. Little button. Yeah.
And then and then and then right afterwards, Janine Garofalo goes like, I just feel like alliteration in these circumstances is just like inappropriate. Which is funny because mystery men is an alliteration. I know. Oh, my God. Line. Oh, who was it? There was a there was a piece of dialogue that I wrote down, but I didn't like remember what part of the movie it is. But it's when for some reason. Oh, no, it's when Janine Garofalo wants to be part of the team even before she shows them, she can fold a ball around and go crazy.
And he goes, we're an elite cadre. And they go, no, he says, yeah, he says cadre. And I go cadre. And she they go, you're in. Welcome, because like she corrected his shitty pronunciation of the world. We're an elite cadre.
That's another thing is I feel like Bruce Bruce Ben Stiller. Bruce Stiller's character. Ben Stiller's character very much gives me Paul Rudd.
And I love you, man. Vibes.
Sorry. I looked scared. It's because I just heard the loudest thunder of all time. Really? Wow. Yeah. That was scared me. Sorry.
Are you going to make it? Well, I could get superpowers. I don't know.
Yeah. There was like two or three weeks ago. There was that one bolt of thunder that like woke up all of New York City. Yeah, that was a little that was a spooky little guy. Yeah.
Let's let's make this a thunder podcast. I was actually been raining all day. It's wild. You guys, you wouldn't even believe the thunder. I'm thunderstruck.
It's only in New York, man. Only New York. Yeah.
You guys have the best thunder. We don't know shit about thunder here. It's the best authentic thunder here. You got to get for thunder. Don't fold the thunder. That's not how we do it.
And Ben Stiller reminds me of Paul Rudd. And I love you, man, because he is also given a bunch of improvised lines to say poorly, which is to say like he's always trying to have comebacks. He's like, come on, we got to chase him. What are you like?
Oh, lazy boy in the recliner.
Right. Yeah. But yeah, he usually resolves his his like attempt at like this because that's interesting, too, because so much of their team and also that that like scene of superheroes, in quotes, is it feels like an amateur wrestling circuit. It feels like a band or like almost like a Scott Pilgrim esque like music scene. Ben Stiller even said he he changed his character around to be if the way he put it was if it was a band, he's the guy that started the band but has no talent or whatever. Right. So he's so you can tell they've been studying it like people who are studying, say, like improv, trying to get on a UCB team or something. So you can like he's a little bit better than the Paul Rudd character because he eventually gets there. He eventually comes up with Lazy Boy in the recliner, which is funny. He just does it. He takes two of them. You can tell this is something that they've all studied and they all really want to get good at this thing, which is just being superhero. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I also like I'm now that you're saying that like they all just sort of had fun with the script and didn't really follow us on the page. I love that running bit that he has with Janine Garoflow.
Well, they'll be like, that's what I said. That's what I said. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's what I said. Well, I'm saying that, too. I'm saying that I said that.
Well, I said that I like that felt so improvised. And like, I'm like, oh, this probably came up. And naturally, and then got to sort of put into the script as many times as they could have possibly put it in. I love that one. That's like a great running that to me felt like one of the 90s things.
It's like people were so mean in the 90s. It was like they they saw friends and they're like, people love sarcasm. What if we're all mean shit? And it's like that's what's funny is if we're just mad, just very, very mad at each other. It was funny, but it was still very like. Just like be nice. Yeah, it was like implied implied cruelty among friends at every at every turn.
Right. It brought me back to my childhood. Yeah, it's like you're ugly and you look weird and you smell bad and like, you're a dumb kid, you don't know shit. And just like it just kind of keeps and you're like, all right, come on.
Hey, guys, we're all the same team. Are we friends? Come on, guys, are we friends?
I also will say he didn't have a huge role. But every time I see Greg Knier in anything, I'm I'm floored. He's like the best actor in everything. I'm so glad you said that because I thought his performance was amazing.
And I feel like I always like come like what's it called when you're like what is it called, like stumping for somebody? I forget. I've like lost the standing.
No, there's no expression.
It's it's stumping is what you do. It's a political thing. It's yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I always get into these stupid podcasts being like David Alan Greer, one of our best actors. Everyone's like, what are you talking about?
But I feel that way about him and I feel the way about him in this performance. He's never not good. He's a delight. Just like thank God you're here. When he does the like, he's like, oh, man, Casanova Frankenstein. He was like with the eyes.
I can't do it, but I can't do it. But it's amazing.
I also really loved the one moment where when they're like rescuing him, they're like, I always wanted to ask you like, what's your secret identity? Do you have a secret identity?
He's like, yeah, I'm Lance. Yeah. He's like, really? He's like, I'm just kidding.
I just always wanted to say that.
Yeah, yeah. And I will also say my other I think my other favorite joke, probably of the whole movie, is when they're arguing about it. And Ben Steller is like, I think he's that like Lance, whatever, the billionaire.
And he goes, William H. Macy goes, he's wearing glasses. And then he goes, you could take off the glasses. And he goes, then how would he see that?
Yeah, that cracks me up. I love that. It's like, well, you can't argue it bad. All right. Let's do that. Let's do I got I wrote a list of lines as they came up because there's a lot of lines in this movie that I never noticed as a kid or I had forgotten about my favorites.
You threw a spoon at the guy. Jeff is one of my favorite. Just like he's like, we should have won. And he's like, you threw a spoon at the guy, Jeff.
And he's like, well, you can't use a rake sometimes.
Oh, yeah, that's funny. That was great, too, because I think they're doing a pretty good Hank Azaria right now. I want to call that out. Oh, yeah, do a poo. I think. Oh, man. Wait, have you seen Murderville? I've asked you this, haven't I? Yeah. Yeah, I will say my favorite thing about that is somebody says to Will Arnett do a Pakistani or Pakistani accent because shoot, Camille Nanjiani is in it.
And he's like, OK, he's like, you ready? He's like, you can't be offensive. He's like, it won't be. He's like, yeah.
Hello. I was born in Pakistan, but raised in London. I was like, very, very good.
But that exchange that you're talking about where he's like, he's like, what? You can't use a rake sometimes. That is a really funny, but it also builds out the characters so perfectly. It's like, here's what like you have to address why they won't either use a gun or, you know, why they won't just expand their horizons the slightest bit. And that's all you need is that justification. Doesn't have to be good justification, but it's just well.
And to your point earlier, it's like they've studied superhero movies and people. And that's why that like when all the bad guys have guns and stuff, so people have been pointing this out in the comments are like guns.
That's so stupid. I thought you guys were like disco. What does that have to do? It's like a lead pipe. OK, your chain's not even gold. Yeah.
And then they get to help you out of it. Why do they live through that, by the way? Why did they just cut to them? They just let it go. Bloody no one of them to die. I guess because they were like no threat.
If you're going to show me a gun. Yeah, kill them. You got to use it or get it sliced by a samurai.
The line that he says is there's no theme at all here.
I hope that sound I love that it's like getting notes on your bad sketch. I was going to say, it's like Michael Hartney giving you notes, giving you bad notes. You're like, oh, man, I thought that sketch went well.
It's like, well, there was no theme at all. So we were lost.
And and on the shoveler, one of my other favorite lines is he's like, I shovel. I shovel really well. I shovel very well. And his wife is like, baby, you shovel better than any man I've ever known.
Yeah. And it's that weird close up point of view shot where you see all naked hands on his face back. Oh, they're back. They're back.
Guys, let's hear them out. Let me ask them a question. Should we ask if this ever works for them? Do you guys ever use Smarter Child?
Remember that like aim bot? Yeah, of course. Of course.
You'd be like Smarter Child. Kill yourself. They'd be like, don't talk to me that way.
Do you know what I'm talking about? I didn't do aim. I. Sorry.
But Ukraine just did you see my tweet? Ukraine just hacked my AOL account.
Oh, yeah. Congratulations. That's why they're going to say congratulations. Yeah, but the president here. Yeah. Well, it was just good. He likes Tramp's Camp 92. What? What was your AOL screen? Yeah, your screen name. Oh, Decapitator. And I do. Oh, yeah.
Wow.
Just it was yours. Guys got these guys got dark. I knocked off a kid's helmet in football practice, but it wasn't in a cool way. It was in a. Oh, that's right. Yeah, you were you were traumatized by it. Like a little giant's way where you like inched it up.
No, well, like I went to tackle him, but he like didn't go down. And so he's like running away and I'm trying to scramble and I like pull his helmet off. And he like escape a space mask, buddy.
Yeah, that was illegal. We talked about that. Now we're sort of entering the like Marvel Cinematic Universe of our childhood stories. I think this is a good one to get into. Yeah. Well, that had nothing. I wasn't scarred by it.
People just the next day at school, some kid in health class was like, oh, look, look at a decap over it. Well, because the coach said decapitating my players and then the kids started calling me decap. And that kid was thinking about buying a wheelchair anyway.
I became an alcoholic. Sorry, man. Because of you, Jesse, what was your AOL screen name? Oh, man, I had a few and they're all dumb.
Come on. All right. I think my. Oh, my God. OK, it's so embarrassing.
I don't want to do this podcast anymore. Allie and I are always talking about our sadness. You talk about your AOL sadness.
It's no big deal. All right.
So my first one, I think my first one was was something about a silver trumpet. OK, because I have a trumpet. I have a silver trumpet that belonged to my dad and my grandfather.
It's like coming up on like 90 years old, this thing. So it's just like a rusty trombone thing. It's not rusty. It is broken. I broke the hell out of it because it's it's been through a lot. But there's that.
And then and then I was really into constellations for a while. So there was something about Orion's Belt and then and then I settled on. Then I settled on my hometown's team name was the Braves.
So it was like Braves DE defensive end big football guy to what's up. Big football guy, too. Well, that wasn't that wasn't I'm saying I am also a big football guy. That's such a better screen name. Big football guy. I thought you were like being modest. You're like, I know someone out there is a bigger football guy than me. But I'm probably number two, like realistically. I'll be big football guy, too.
I love that. Yeah. I'm going to download aim just to make it that. OK, what's yours? My first ever screen name was Horse Sport. This was like early. So you get whatever one you wanted.
And it was because when I was a girl, a girl, when I was like a child, I was obsessed with horses as most girls my age were. And the one horse that I would get to ride when I was like visiting my family in Annapolis, Maryland for the summer is I'd ride this horse named Sport. And I was like obsessed with them. And like, you know, everybody's like, that's my horse. Obviously, he wasn't because he was a horse that belonged to a barn and not my own, but like I was like, it's my horse. So my level screen name was Horse Sport.
And then my aunt at one point said, horses, port, what's a horse's port? Like it's butthole. And then I had to change it. Oh, no. Oh, no. Need a couple of adapters to get it. Yeah, it really like she didn't mean it in a way like she wasn't trying to like rid me, but she was like horses, horses, port. I could see her like not be able to parse it. And she was like, does this child know more slang than I do? Yeah. She and then she like really asked like she was like, well, sometimes people say like your port is like as like a slang word for like your butthole, so like I didn't know if you were saying it was like a horse's butt. And I was like, oh, you ruined it, Wendy.
So I checked it to what now was the second one. Hmm. That's a really good question. Miss, I don't know if I know what the second one was.
Horse's butthole.
Much more explicit. No, I like definitely had another one after that.
But I think I like felt less emotionally attached to it than Horse Sport. So I like don't really like remember the horse.
But it's your first. You never forget your first.
I was probably a big horse fan, too. We met in a chat room somewhere. Is anybody popping off in the comments? I want to see other people's old aim screen names. Yeah. Well, that's a good aim screen.
Somebody was John Evans was Major Blaze. And everybody thought he was a pothead, but I assume not.
Graydon Hendershot was Extreme Boy 247. OK, he's the 247th most extreme boy on the planet. Well, that's the those are the kids that you see on Xbox Live that you really don't have to be worried about. Anyone that's like blood ninjas.
Yeah. And you're like, OK. Yeah, you're like you're like seven years old or you've had this so long. You're a 45 year old man who had the first exit and are incredible at all games. But it's always like you can tell what age you were because they're like the only way that I can do well on on the Internet with a bunch of adult men is if I have a really bad and a really bad. Yeah.
Name that strikes fear in their heart. Like goblin demon ninja goblin port.
Did I tell you guys that I was like probably groomed in an AOL chat room? I made friends with this what I thought was a fellow 11 year old whose screen name was Jess 11 F. Oh, and we were like we became like friends and then she disappeared for a few weeks and then she came back with a different screen name and was like, hey, it's me. I'm back. We're friends again. And then it was like years later, I was like.
I was an adult man. That was an adult. But he gave me lots of cool tips. I'm 12 and definitely a girl.
Don't flip. That's not it. That's not happening. Unless somebody's named horses, horses, port, of course, in which case they are about the end of horses, port, of course, of course.
Yes, patrolman. Yes, we are death patrolman.
But with a three, that's pretty dope. A couple of other lines that I thought were delightful.
Oh, you want to do the podcast? Yeah, I'm going to keep doing that a little bit. He's, you know, he's doing all of his terrible one liners. Then still there is.
And at some point, some people come outside and goes, oh, a little terrorist party was like a saying or like a thing that is a reference to anything. And then right before Captain Amazing or whatever comes in, Jeffrey Rush is sipping a drink and he goes, oh, that's a very fine, elegant, Harvey Wahlbanger. For no reason.
Good. She's so good in the movie. I just love House.
You know who else was a weird cameo? Captain Captain Amazing, Captain Incredible, whatever his name is. He is a publicist named Vic Weems. And he's played by Ricky J. Do I read who Ricky J is? OK, I'm going to guess that he played something in the theater somewhere.
No, Ricky J is an incredible magician. He's like really famous for sleight of hand and like card tricks. He can throw a card so hard that he can puncture the skin of a watermelon. OK, he's really, he's really famous. He's like in the Guinness Book of World Records for like throwing cards and stuff, and he's like an amazing like sleight of hand magician.
However, he also caught the attention of David Mamet. So he's in like a ton of David Mamet films weirdly.
But then he's also in mystery, man. That was another one. Does he do magic in films or? No, just a guy. I kind of was hoping in this movie, there'd be a moment where I was. Oh, my God, it's magic. He doesn't. Yeah, you can feel that tension. You're like, I bet this guy could like throw a card through my heart. You know, he can or he could.
He recently, I think he I mean, time is I don't understand time anymore. It could have been during the pandemic. It could have been last year. It could have been four years ago.
He recently passed away. But sadly, he died in the future.
I don't know. But in this movie, he's still alive. Two years ago and you're like two years. How could that be true? Yeah, yeah.
So but speaking of speaking of like sleight of hand magic, I think it's we got to talk about how like this city and I guess this universe, but the city is populated with like people whose superpowers are just skills. They're really good at sleight of hand magic, shoveling and all that.
Farting once in a while, farting. But that's but that's different because he got that because he was cursed by an old gypsy woman. And there's that. And then how did the invisible guy get his invisibility? I don't think he's just he's just been ignored so much.
Yeah. OK, yeah. I just like that when he was like, hey, dad, I'm going to go to my room with three adult men. And the dad didn't say anything. That was amazing, too. Yeah.
But I just love that, like, there's something like the idea of like magic and superpowers and technology and also just developing a skill are all the same thing, you know. And this movie just really highlights that. I was going to say, at least early on, I mean, it got worse as it went, but I was kind of impressed with the CG of the city. I was like, they really went kind of hard on making it look like a Gotham equivalent from the Burton era. Kind of bad stuff.
And that's what they're pulling from, because obviously this predates everything that you would make fun of now, which is Marvel stuff. Well, interestingly, this this movie came out or is at least announced the same year as freaking Iron Man. This could have been the future of superhero comic movies. Wait, when did Iron Man come out?
Let me see. This is again, this is Wikipedia. What are you talking about?
Iron Man is announced. The film was announced in mid 1997, along with a raft of comic book adaptations, including Blade, X-Men, Fantastic Four, The Hulk, Iron Man. So I guess it's maybe when they when Marvel is like, good news. We're going to make a Marvel extended universe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We learned our lesson from Howard the Duck. We swear. Yeah. Trust us this time, guys. Yeah.
But yeah, this this and blank man is what I would have liked the future of superhero films to be. But instead just didn't catch on. And Marvel was given an eight year, 10 year runway. Well, and that's that's part of what I was going to mention is that this is like a sixty eight million dollar budget film that totally tanked. Got not even half that or or very close to half of that. And it kind of makes sense. I don't like you don't really see a world in which you would throw that kind of money at a a wacky parody satire movie with every. I mean, it does have, again, every actor that exists, as far as I can tell. Speaking of, actually, I was going to do a couple more lines.
I think the best part is when Hank Azaria is like yelling at his mom, being like, he's like, yes, I'm a bit of a feat. British superhero. I'm a limey fork fling a mother. I know that's a hard cheese to swallow.
Yeah. And then I also think he's sort of like defending the name and the accent. He's like, it makes sense in context. If you if you you don't make sense. You understand the history. Yes. It was part of the British Empire. Yes. Yeah.
It seems like he spent more time on explaining his character to his mom than he did in what you might expect, like a dramatic superhero like reveal or like thesis or something like that. He spends all of his time learning to throw forks and learning to explain to his mom why he's doing this.
I love that, though. Do you know that feeling of like when you're working on something and you haven't really told anybody about it yet? Because you're like, oh, so we're going on this project, this whatever. And then the first time you have to try and put into words what it is or like what it's about, you like you realize you have no idea. And you're just like, it's sort of like, OK, it's like, so, OK, this right.
She's got an elevator, so it starts in an elevator. And when OK, so starting over, it's a book. But when you get in an elevator, starting over like that, like if that's just me pitching sketches.
But I do like that he has a nice relationship with his mom. I enjoy that was lovely. I feel like that was a little bit of that was probably Jordan's highlight. It was a nice little parent child. Yeah. Oh, my heart. I was like, man, I really hope that I when I'm in my 70s that I have a 40 year old child living at home, smoking incense and pretending to be a superhero. I was like, wow, that's really right. At the end when the shovels kids are all like, he is my hero. That's my daddy. That was cute.
I also I noted I thought it was really funny that his whole yard is freaking obliterated with toys. Like you see him run over the the the like stuffed dinosaur or whatever. But you see in the faraway shot, his whole yard is like is it's like a trailer trailer park thing where there's like cars and stuff everywhere. But it's all pink toys, basically.
Right. I just thought that was really funny, that it's just a weird detail to add that his kids, I guess, are wild or just have a lot of boys or something. I don't know.
It's just a really that the houses and just like the suburban feel whenever you're at one of their houses. Like I think it's the shovels house is just bright pink. Also incredibly nice. It's just like the Edward Scissorhands suburbs, which is like, yeah, this is shaped like a real place, but it is not. It does not feel like a real place.
So I was going to say, and it's very weird that you brought up a fact that I did not know when I was forming this comparison. When I think about what this movie is directed like, it really reminds me of Matilda. It reminds me of Matilda stylistically. It reminds me of Matilda with those weird POV shots. Like a lot of shots, Matilda, where it's like an adult like leaning over a kid and it's just a really close up face from beneath. There's also that really famous shot from Matilda where she's holding the two braids and the girls spinning and it's just like the shot of the girls face. Do you know what I'm talking about? OK, so like it's weird that there is a world where this was directed by Danny DeVito, who who directed Matilda.
Oh, wow. Yeah, it's been like stylistically. They feel extremely of the same era, ilk style, all that stuff. Yeah, the 90s had a lot of these dark sort of kids movies with a lot of just kind of wacky stylistic choices that they all sort of ate from each other. I mean, it's very Burton esque, but like applied not dumbed down, but like taken down to more of a kids level. I mean, I guess Burton did obviously Nightmare Before Christmas and stuff like that, but I just mean taking the like the Batman movies with Keaton and marrying like colorful, crazy superhero stuff with all the like gothic whatever. And then that just kind of like kept going for a long time.
Yeah, and I miss it. And maybe maybe we're due for a for a revamp of that.
Speaking of the director, did you guys know why this director like got this job? Yeah, what did got milk? They did got milk and Yokiro Taco Bell.
They were. Wow. The mind behind those two. I would say maybe, and I really mean this, arguably like the two most iconic ads of the 90s. Yeah, for that not really scary gushers ad where their head became a gusher. Yeah, I love those.
But yeah, and also, but was it like what's a person's name? I forget.
But they were like he he came in to this thing that, yeah, everybody hated it at a certain point. And he was like, I can't make a bad movie. I have to prove that I'm more than just the got milk guy, essentially. So and I really think he did it. You know, like I got to imagine he had a lot to do with the fact that this movie didn't suck because he his whole reputation, his whole career was on the line.
Yeah.
Although I still think he thought it was going to be really boring. And so he worked his way around a lot of that. It's just so interesting that everyone was like, yeah, I don't know.
We'll throw 70 million dollars at this movie. Who cares?
Yeah, I mean, like I don't think the script is bad, but that's because my perception of it is as it is with whatever added to it that is added to it. It's like I don't actually know what the script looked like truly on the page and what was added in the moment or workshopped before they filmed or whatever it is. But if you do think about like the plot, like nothing like happens. No, there's no like twist. Did you know what I mean? Like, you know, like in like what you would think of now is like a standard Marvel movie type thing.
There's almost always at least one twist before the finale where it's like you discover something unusual about the character or like they haven't been doing this because they've been holding back because of this secret reason or oh, my God, this guy is bad. Or oh, my God, this guy was bad, but now he's good.
Like we had none of that. They literally like we made a team.
We're going to fight the guy. We fought the guy.
The movie's over. So I can see how like on this page, they were like, this is what is this? This movie has nothing happening. It's basically it's basically like an Austin Powers movie, but without the benefit of having any one clear character to build it around.
Right. Yeah, right. Yeah.
And there's not like, yeah, Ben Stiller is what, Wolverine, I guess, is what he's supposed to. I thought it was like the whole where it's like you get so mad that you can't control it when you're not yourself. Yeah, but he's wearing the leather jacket and he's got the hair. And but yeah, I guess he's saying it's it's not his power. Doesn't even his power doesn't even actually come from his rage. He thinks it does. But in the end, it's well, he doesn't know what it is. He's just an angry person, a guy. Yeah, I feel like but that's to your point.
Like it is it's not a very clear like sure, it's making fun of superhero movies, but he's not like goofy Batman or something, which is what blank man ostensibly was. I mean, sort of, I guess he was an inventor or something. But I mean, it's not it's not a one to one like. Oh, it's James Bond, but he's heightened and sexy in a gross way and stuff. It's just like what if there were three crazy superheroes and then several other crazy superheroes? It's not like, oh, it's Superman, but dumb. It's a guy who farts, which has no parallel that I'm aware of. I don't know.
I literally just remembered this, but one of the first times we ever met Brian Moravito, a friend of the podcast and a cracked contributor, he showed us a YouTube, a YouTube comment that was left on a video of him that he had done in commercial. And the person that angrily wrote on the in the YouTube video comments for this commercial, that it was irresponsible for them to cast somebody who looked so much like Ben Stiller because they would think that Ben Stiller was advertising the product and that they were like, I really thought this was Ben Stiller. And when I looked it up and it wasn't, I was so angry because I was like, well, if Ben Stiller is doing it, I'll take it more seriously.
But it's just some guy. Just some guy. This is Brian Moravito we're talking about.
But that's like one of my first memories. Like, I'm really reading the comment and being like, damn, this person's really mad at you, huh? Maybe it was a bit. Maybe it was a bit from this movie. They were just becoming Mr. Furious as I was watching it. I kept being like, I want to get into the headspace of that other person who who who can see this. So I was like trying to see Brian Moravito in the movie. So I was like, can I see what this angry commenter saw? But like, I was like, I didn't think of it until I was watching it. And I was watching him young, sort of, hey, I'm in an office, a weird character. And I was like, OK, I'm going to try and get into the headspace, whoever that angry person was.
Yeah, not not. It doesn't seem it's not close enough that you would you would feel betrayed upon learning the truth. They were betrayed. Yeah, they weren't just like, oh, that kind of looks like Ben Stiller. They were like. First of all, this product, how dare you tricking people into thinking you had Ben Stiller associated with this project. Right. It's like, wow, angry.
Cool. You guys got any other any other things worth hitting? I think it's a good movie. I mean, yeah, good is relative. It's very 90s.
But there are a lot of moments that are genuinely pretty funny because they just grabbed a bunch of character actors and let them do character acting as though you don't care about the plot. You don't care about like becoming a better person at the end of it. Yeah. But also like sometimes like the thing that weighs down a comedy the most is when they decide at the last minute. Oh, I didn't realize our movie didn't like say anything. And it needs to like have some sort of moral point of view or some character needs to really change. And you can tell it's been like deeply shoehorned in and like what should have just been like a stupid comedy like suddenly has like a plot line it didn't need. It's like I I am happy that this movie is just a stupid comedy. That's like really very funny.
I have no idea if you were like, let's pretend your daughters are older and you're showing them this movie. I have no idea if they will like it because it will look so unlike movies look now. Do you know what I mean? I would love to know if like this movie stands on its own two feet and isn't just like kind of fun and nostalgic, but also legitimately quite funny.
He's not listening. Daddy's not listening.
I'm sorry. There's this guy. There's this guy, Victor, who is who's really having a slow day in in third grade or whatever, and he's commenting on this. And I was just going to respond. But I'll just I'll just let it go. Sorry. Sorry, what did you say? What was the was the thing that you needed for me to respond with?
I was saying, like, if you showed this movie to your daughters, let's pretend they're older and you're sitting around for movie night and you're sharing with them this movie that you loved when you were younger. Do you think they like this movie? Do you think this movie like stands out without any sort of like nostalgic tie to it?
I mean, I think the funniness is, again, so divorced from any sort of reference that you would actually need to know. Like, again, Austin Powers is funnier if you've seen James Bond. I feel like it's just, you know, it's it's funny to watch a silly British man throw forks. I mean, I don't know that that's going to like. Age out necessarily. I mean, it doesn't build a lot of its humor, I feel like. I mean, it's like farts and stuff like my daughter thinks farts are hilarious.
So I assume she would love this movie. Oh, she's going to. Yeah. Anyway, so I think it holds up.
I mean, I don't know that will hold up if I if they're like 20 and haven't seen any 90s movies and are dropped into it. But if they watch it when they were 10, like me, have a great time. Yeah, that's kind of what I want to know. Like, I'm not even asking that question in a way that's like meant to degrade the movie in any way, shape or form. I'm not being like, yeah, but would they like it? I'm like, just like, I really wonder if like a kid would would like it. Yeah, farts were farts were if you find farts funny, you find farts funny. Doesn't matter when the movie was made. You know, I mean, like, yeah.
And I'm not assuming your daughters are going to be like, that's William H. Macy, but like, you know, well, and I didn't know that at the time. I didn't know who any of these actors were.
You know, how was. No, no, he didn't have TV. Yeah. Know all that for this guy.
TV, uh, somebody somebody blasting me for how I said, you're Kiro Taco Bell earlier. I'm just saying it how the dog said it 20 years ago, man. I'd like, uh, yo, well, I can't say it. You didn't say yo, Kiro. You did say, yo, Kiro. Sounds like an anime. I like you said somebody blasted me. Yeah, blast me, bro. I said, yo, Kiro. But did you see it was actually very funny. They said they said that pronunciation of Kiro gave me hives.
Well, let's, uh, let's pivot to what the, uh, what the fans are saying. What are the kids saying today about these things? I don't know. Um, okay.
So, uh, great Newman believes my dad and I believe that the critical failure of the film is attributed to the opening scene at the nursing home. The fact that it had a bunch of old people. None of the old people died. They all escaped.
They all sort of shuffled away weirdly. That was very Brazil, by the way, for me. That was like so wacky. It's so many colors and so many like closeups of old people looking weird. That was very strange. And what, and they were dancing to some like very weird, some music that I felt very incongruous.
Um, I thought they were all sex. They looked like they, they weren't just like, like regular old, like this is, yeah, this is the, Jesse's portion of the podcast where I explained the movie. I thought I was watching, but it wasn't just like old folks at an old folks home. They were at like a gala and they were all like, they had a glean in their eye. They looked like they were about to bone down. Okay, I didn't think they were about to bone down, but they were at something fancy, I assumed. Yeah, it was a pretty, it was pretty interesting old folks home.
And to your point, that, that is what Tom Waits thought was going to happen. He was only there for the ladies. If you remember Tom Waits character.
Oh yeah, I probably was in the opening scene. I did love that like. He's in the whole movie. Don't talk about the opening scene. Oh, you just mean. I don't remember, I didn't put him in there in my brain. But like, I loved that one part where they're talking about whatever the invention is that Casanova Frankenstein has invented. And he, they just gave him a bunch of like, just like garbage gobbledygook jargon to say that makes no sense where he's like, if we enter the hemisphere, then our brains will link up. And if our brains link up, then the synapses will be on fire. I mean, just like he goes forever. And I just like, there's like so many shots of like the people just sort of like watching him talk and not understanding what he's saying. I really liked that.
What's funny too, is that he, his ultimate conclusion is that it makes your hallucinations real. And then you die. And your brain fries. But then he fires the laser and like buildings are exploding.
And I'm like. Yeah, that struck me too, I guess. Well.
It doesn't matter, but it's like the brains of the buildings are hallucinating. Buildings are architecture, architecture is art, art is alive.
I mean, can you argue with that? I'm gonna end the broadcast.
Did you catch that after Casanova Frankenstein got his brain inside outed and warped and shit like that? You briefly see his statue again after that. And his statue is now fully warped in his sort of death mask kind of thing. Weird, I didn't know. No, because now I'm stuck on looking on things.
Okay. These are all titles, these are all titles. Apparently the super vehicle still exists. They found it in a scrap yard according to. No. However you say this.
Oh, hey man. He's very excited to be on here.
While Jordan is distracted, I think we should have a contest. I think we should have a cracked contest.
And we should all set it to a vote of what movie is the first movie you watch. Because you were saying you never really sit down and watch like movies with your kids. You watch short things. We should vote on what the first movie is that you watch with your children. Like they have to sit down for the full 90 minutes. Like when you finally feel they're old enough to like sit down and truly ingest a movie, not like you're gonna force them. And like, you're like, no, you will sit here and not enjoy this. Like when they're like, dad, let's watch a movie. You're like, funny, you should ask. Actually a bunch of internet strangers voted and we'll be watching Magnolia.
Is there a way to do that? I feel like there is a way to do that. To force your kids to do things? Definitely. Yeah. Somebody said that you can control children. You can withhold affection. That always works.
We got Schindler's list. We got Sam Raimi's first Spider-Man, Land Before Time. Oh yeah. I love that one as a kid. Oh, I loved Land Before Time. My God, that one was so sad.
Yeah, I love when the mom dies. Every movie has a mom that dies in the beginning. You're gonna have a hard time finding a movie where mom doesn't die in the beginning.
That's in the 90s. Again, there's a specific window where. The 90s was sad.
The 90s posited, what if only dads? What if no moms? Yeah, what if only dads?
I think it was the 80s too. Blake Sandler. Land Before Time, what about Finding Nemo? That's not a real movie. Blake Sandler on, they can, those fish can switch their genders as needed.
That's very true. That is actually true. So I win that argument.
All right, so somebody pointed out that the farting guy, it's just worth mentioning, that's Pee Wee Herman. This was his comeback performance after getting arrested for jerking it in the theater. Well, I looked that up. He had a few movies. So he got arrested in 1991 and he still had some movies come out between then and this movie.
You're my birth. Oh, he did? But I think there is something to that because when I was a kid, this struck me as his big comeback. So I wonder if it was, they're like marketed that way. He's like, I'm not a pervert anymore.
I'm like a creepy fart dude that hits on women. I just fart on school. I just fart.
You can't find that sexual in either direction. You fucking see these things and then I have to live with them the rest of my life.
All right. Eric Goldlust says that the non-lethal weapons were arguably more interesting than any weapon in a real superhero movie. Yes. I love the weapons and names. Yeah.
I think we talked about this last week, which makes no sense because we were talking about a movie that has nothing to do with superheroes. So I don't know how this happened, but Jordan, you were like, no matter how much I like a Marvel movie, my least favorite act is always the third act because it always just comes down to like, well, my weapon, well, my power, my power, my weapon.
And this definitely is not that way because it's not just two people shooting lasers at each other in the sky, but one person has a red laser and the other person has a green laser. So we'll see who wins with lasers.
But it's fun when at the end of this movie, all their powers convalesced and he had to climb a wall, so he threw the forks into the wall so he could climb the wall with the forks. Like, it was like, oh, this is fun. This is like, this has all been leading up to this moment. I think it is funny.
It is one of those things where like, okay, but like, say you get in any other scenario, any other supervillain where your fort climbing power doesn't suddenly become shockingly relevant. It's like they're built specifically for the scenario that they find themselves in. This super team is not gonna be very useful at the next encounter necessarily.
Although- Well, who knows? Who knows, we never got a mystery men too because this bombed.
Okay, somebody wanted to point out that Rat Race also had a Smash Mouth needle drop. I saw that. These have all been obliterated in my brain. Like, I think of there being one movie and one movie only that has a Smash Mouth needle drop. And I'm like, I'm humbled to learn that Shrek has destroyed them.
Yeah. Shrek just has the benefit of this gigantic flame of irony that has just fully calcified into actual love. Yeah.
I like Shrek. I like Shrek 2. Shrek 2 is a great movie.
Wait, wait, okay. I have something I wanna say. I finally looked at the comments for the first time and somebody wrote, fresh boy JB wrote, they should watch we're back. Have you guys ever seen we're back, a dinosaur story? I have, but like, I don't remember it at all. Okay, here's what I wanna say. Besides the fact that we should watch it, I actually agree with that. It's very, very scary. The screenplay was written by John Patrick Shanley, the same person who wrote Moonstruck. Oh, okay. No joke, 100% not fucking joking. That is the person who wrote we're back at dinosaur story. I think we should watch it.
Count me in. Yeah, yeah, we gotta do everything cyclically. It's like when our threads are starting to knit together.
The five degrees of Kevin Shanley or whatever. Kevin Shanley.
I think that's all the general comments that we got. So let's do titles. You ready? Let's do theirs and then we'll do ours. Yeah, mine was gonna be blank, man. So I kind of lost that one. It's great, it needs to be said again.
A rental chicken. I think it's chicken rentals, so I guess, like if you saw on his card, it says he does, Tom Waits' card says he does chicken rentals.
Oh, I didn't catch that. So there's that. Did they even know we were talking about chickens before they started?
Oh my God.
We were alive, so they might've heard that. Ballerina Man. I don't actually think that was the title. I think somebody was just excited about it, but Ballerina Man was a good character.
Yeah. All of those little weirdos who showed up to their weird backyard pool was very fun. Yeah. Got Heroes? Yeah. Yeah, I saw that, that was very good.
You will cry for a fork? Is that true? Why would you cry?
I don't know, maybe they found that part really emotional when the mom gives him the nice silverware. That was very nice. It was very sweet of her.
All right, I've also got, some of these are obviously just built off of what I literally had just said. I mean, the boys but nineties is kind of my main one. Spoon guy Jeff, a feet British superhero, mystery, people, all caps, thought it was very weird, and that they didn't include her.
A little terrorist party. And then- A little terrorist party.
Blank people I think is good. I also really liked when they argued about the semantics of flipping a switch versus toggling a switch. Oh yeah, that was funny too. That's very good. Yeah.
What do you guys got? What do you got for me?
All right, so Eric Goldlaw said this, I don't think he pitched it as a title, but it's a perfect title, Non-Lethal Weapon. Ooh. I mean, not a superhero thing. You get it. I like it.
Sidecuck. I tried to write a whole sketch about a superhero named Sidecuck, and I couldn't get it there.
Why? A gang of extraordinary people. He says why? Yeah, Jesse, why? A gang of extraordinary people.
Expensive. Oh, okay. Here we go. Skunk fucked, exclamation point, at the compound. Yeah. With the big beautiful moon behind them. Oh yeah. And the opera playing, that was really romantic. Okay, Spleen and the Skunk's infinite playlist. Well, duh.
And let's see, I think the last one is Nemesises. Nemesises.
I've like lost, I think I at one point had a title in my head and I've lost it. But ever since we started talking about it earlier in the podcast, I've had the phrase, I fucked the fish man, but I did not fuck you deputy in my head. So that's my title pitch. That's a bit, we got a winner.
No, it doesn't have to do with this movie, but ever since you were talking about Jason Momoa, that's all I've been thinking about. I can't, I've been thinking about Jason Momoa for 10 years.
Wow. Yeah. I thought his first gig wasn't that long. You know what? It could be a decade ago.
Time means nothing to me. I mean, when was the first season of Game of Thrones? I don't know anymore. I feel like I was maybe in college. I don't know.
Well, I don't know when you were in college. You were there around the same time. When did they start letting women go to college? That's a great question. My college was actually- Will we still be able to do it soon?
Who knows? Stay tuned.
My college was originally in all women's college until I broke that glass ceiling. That's true. Is that true? I did not break the glass ceiling. But it was, in fact, in all women's college.
But I do like the idea that Jordan showed up and was like, I belong here. Why do you guys eat your own college?
Yeah. Yep.
So let's stop. Let's stop the podcast. Let's stop.
Somebody has to go do dishes as you put into the super title, so you know. So as far as I know, we're still live streaming every Monday at 1 p.m. because Ally won't let us switch the time. We can switch soon. And next week, we're gonna be watching Alex Garland's Men. Yeah.
In theaters, it's gonna be timely because we're cool. We don't only talk about movies that Jesse likes. We talk about cool movies.
For those of you who wanna watch along, it apparently comes out on Thursday, the 19th. So somewhere between Thursday, the 19th and Monday at 1 p.m., you should go see Men.
Somewhere. Or let us spoil it for you. Yeah, I already know. I'll tell you what happens. You can find me on the Twitter. I'm gonna find a way to make it pop up. There it is. At the underscore J underscore breeding. Also, like watch our YouTube stuff because I make some of that. But so does Jesse and so does Ally at this point. What? All over it. Where can we find you, Jesse, other than? Oh, you know. Yeah, find me on YouTube. Find me on Twitter, Iceman. It's already spelled there, not gonna do it. Great. You can find me at Miss Alice Nutting. I'm not gonna spell it. It's right there.
I really think that that's, I picked this screen name in the year 2007 or 2008. So there wasn't a long time between Horse's Port and Miss Alice Nutting sort of becoming my online moniker. So like. You wanna feel old? There's been more time since Miss Alice Nutting started than there was.
Between Joe Biden's inauguration and.
Abraham Lincoln's assassination.
Uh-oh, Christ brings a sword is in the chat. Look out. Oh, finally. Oh, uh-oh, we got a wild card.
Is that somebody we know? What? No, it just has a name like somebody I wouldn't probably wanna talk to.
And he did, that was actually the whole point. If you remember the Bible at all, he did not come with a sword. Okay, subscribe.
It was not a BYO situation. BYOS.
Yeah, yeah, he had to find one. He had to quest for one.
So subscribe to the Crack Movie Club on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you get your podcasts because we also do this audio if you don't have the time to sit here at 1 p.m. on a Monday because Ali won't let us switch. And remember, we're also a newsletter that you can look at. I mean, it has nothing to do with us at this point, but you can click on it and it'll tell you about movies. Ali won't let us stop doing a newsletter either.
I'm just gonna like, I'm gonna leak all of Jordan's nice texts and be like. It's gonna be so incriminating. It's gonna be like, here's Jordan saying it's okay that we can't switch. Here's Jordan being like, hey man, it doesn't matter at all. It doesn't matter to me. Let's just keep doing it. Here's Jordan saying this, look at this rough cut.
It seems really funny. I'm gonna absolutely ruin it. I'm gonna tank your career, dude. Somebody's going to someday.
So until then, Chris with a hammer is the counter to Christ with a sword. Oh my God. There's some big anime titties. Good grief.
That's how to end this. And goodbye, everybody. |
dropout | the_guy_who_finishes_your_sentences | Hey, I heard you were having trouble. Oh no. You're that guy who won't stop saying yeah. Ronathan. Yeah, I was, but I heard people hate that, so I am committed to being a better listener.
Okay, that's great. Yeah. Okay, well, I think there's something wrong with you. With your computer. No, my phone, actually. Oh.
I just, I can't see... Can't update to the new OS, yeah.
No. Access. The internet. No, my e... Trade.
Mail. Got it. Email.
Got it, yeah. The way you keep finishing my sentences is really... Really helpful, I know. Annoying. Uh-huh. You keep guessing wrong. Just let me finish what I'm...
Eating. Eating? Eating.
Really? You thought I was going to say eating? Yeah. Okay, yes.
That time, I was going to say eating, but not the time... Eating.
Of your life. No, I was saying not the time before that. None of your guesses make... Him an offer you can't refuse. Sense. Just shut up for one se... Direction.
Why are you doing this? This. Why are you doing this? Oh, I'm just helping the conversation along and just showing you that I understand. But you clearly don't understand.
Hands. Stand. Okay, this would take less time if you just waited half a second and really listened to my problem instead of... Instead of piloting a single-engine Cessna to a remote jungle in Peru in quest for some legendary Inca artifact that was supposedly hidden shortly after Spanish conquest and then finding it and learning that's far too powerful for anyone man to control regardless of his intentions and casting it into the ocean. Yeah, I get that a lot. Interrupting.
Yeah, or that. Sure. That's what I was going to say. Okay. Whatever.
Your problem is... Getting. Jiggy with it. My... Serona. Right.
Email on my phone. Phonograph.
Phone.
It's not easy, huh? Just that easy.
Okay, well. Thank you. You. Yes.
For being a friend. Just don't touch me.
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here.
And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
dropout | hardly_working_most_retro_video_game_system_ever | There's no T-vagging a balloon fight.
Hey, what you guys doing? We're playing some retro games. This is retro to you? I guess I'm a little bit older than you guys. Check this out.
Oh, I got like an Atari 2600 back there. Nope. We're going way old school. This is my original Scaris One Bit. I picked it up from my parents' house. This thing is a classic. Alright, fire it up. Alright. Adam, how old is this exactly? 1972. But you were born in 1983. Yeah, but my grandpa found it in a dumpster and fixed it up for me. I used to play this thing for hours. There we go.
This controller's enormous. I know, and so responsive, right? Okay, this game is epic.
It's called the Rime of the God King Gilgamesh. What you do is you voyage around the land of Uruk on the back of the Bull of Heaven, searching for your lost love, the fallen goddess Ishtar. That sounds cool. Bryce, what is that noise?
What do I do now? Anything you want, man, this game is totally open world. What's the frame rate on this? Like two?
This game was actually banned in the late 70s for being too violent. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this game blows.
Okay, well, it also has text adventures. Oh, cool. Like Zork? Man, the descriptions are so lush.
Now what? Just enter a compass direction.
Oh, shit, we gotta vent the steam valves. What button is that? Not on the game, on the Scaris. If we don't vent the steam valves, it's gonna explode. Ow.
Sorry, can we just turn the music down like a little bit? No way, man. The soundtrack's the best part. This song was covered by a ska-punk band. It's hilarious. I'm sorry, dude.
I do not think this game holds up. Okay, you guys like GoldenEye, right? There's a Scaris game based on that movie? No, the movie wasn't out yet.
It's based on the book. You count how many times the square flashes, then you read that page of the book. Oh, proximity mind again.
Ow. Fuck. Uh, yeah, this is great and all, but I think we're gonna bounce. I haven't even showed you guys the peripherals yet. Oh, shit. |
cracked | 5_twisted_sonic_the_hedgehog_adventures_sega_doesn_t_want_you_to_see_canonball | Sonic the Hedgehog has been with a lot of us since we were little kids, but in all those years, have you ever stopped to ask why? Sonic gotta go fast.
I posit that he's been constantly running away from various debacles and embarrassments. He was body-shamed on Twitter so mercilessly. They spent 35 million dollars redesigning his sexy legs and horrifying mouthful of human teeth. He once lost his single, gigantic eyeball at the Macy's Parade. His own fans can't seem to stop impregnating him in all manner of cursed crossover.
But that's exactly what we're here for.
The bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that Sega would like to slowly drown us for divulging. We're talking Sonic's canonical kinks, his stint as a petty narc, and the fact that, yeah, he's hooking up with all those little critters. This is Cannonball. Man, it's crazy what some people will do to an innocent children's character. Poor Sega, right? No, not poor Sega. Sega made a deal with the devil when they set out to create a cynical, corporate chimera, and the entire canon has been in shambles ever since. Let me explain. Number five, Sonic doesn't just inspire bizarre fan fiction, he is fan fiction.
Back in the late 80s, Sega bigwigs realized they needed a hot new character to rival Mario's innate stability. And their original mascot, this sexless little turd named Alex Kidd, just wasn't cutting it. Instead of coming up with a novel concept for a new character, Sega basically said, what if we took every character that's currently popular and smashed them into one impossibly rad dude?
From there, someone decided that actually he should be a rabbit. But that rabbit needed attitude, the only currency that mattered in a pre-9-11 world. Attitude and prehensile ears.
But 1990 video game technology wasn't advanced enough to accommodate that many gripping appendages, so they dialed him back to a decidedly less rad armadillo. And then corporate infighting took the wheel. Sega of Japan turned him into a hedgehog with fangs named Mr. Needlemouse. Sega of America pushed back on that design, which they disparagingly called Yikes, to Japanese. They tried to fix Sonic by making him way more American.
His fancy shoes were inspired by Michael Jackson. The color of his shoes was inspired by Santa Claus. And his can-do attitude was inspired by none other than Bill Clinton.
Seriously, that's a holy trinity of 90s heroes who turned out to be real pieces of sh- The dumbest part of this gross corporate pandering slash cultural cleansing was that it actually worked. According to one nationwide survey, Sonic the Hedgehog was, at one point, as recognizable to the American public as Mickey Mouse. And hey, did you know this cynical Frankenstein's monster of every bad boy in the 80s and 90s? Absolutely f- There's one more element to Sonic's bizarre creation story that I neglected to mention, but I think you're old enough now to learn the truth. In one of his earliest designs, Sega made sure to give Sonic a very human, very adult girlfriend. A busty, lusty, pixie-cutted uber-barbie named Madonna.
And if you thought a 15-year-old hedgehog hooking up with an adult woman three times his size is gross, which it is, just wait until you hear about his other girlfriends. He'd go on to acquire an entire petting zoo's worth of animal lovers, which might appear somewhat more appropriate until you consider the power dynamics at play. From the start, Sonic's whole thing is that he saves these helpless animals from bondage. These little guys all have names. There's Flicky, Ricky, Pocky, Rocky, Pecky, Picky, and Cucky. But they're clearly much younger and or much less sentient than Sonic. That becomes kind of disturbing when they started giving Sonic romantic interests in his long-running Archie Comics series. He's ostensibly dating the very animals he once saved.
Oh, did I say ostensibly? I meant literally.
Ricky was renamed Sally Acorn, who had a whole series of romantic storylines with Sonic. At one point, she breaks up with him because he's obsessed with Dr. Robotnik. You know, the evil mastermind behind the mass kidnappings of her and her family? Could it be that she got sick of Sonic grooming young animals for future romantic arcs? Then there's Pocky, who was renamed Bunny Rabbit, and became one of Sonic's freedom fighters. She was usually depicted as something of a sister to him, but he still swooped in after a bad breakup and smooched her in the bushes, not an innuendo. Sonic managed to ruin an even closer friendship with his wandering eye. He repeatedly cock-locked Tails' presumably twin dongs so that he himself could have a fling with Fiona Fox. Oh, and she was secretly screwing around with evil Sonic at the same time.
Does this all sound like it was written by a roomful of middle schoolers who just found out what second base is? Well, it gets worse.
In a 2006 video game, Sega got back to what it does best. Bestiality, intellectual property theft, and they added a little bit of necrophilia for good measure. In this game, Sonic gets fully murdered and is lying dead on the ground, when the very human Princess Elise decides to give him a little non-consensual, open-mouthed snog. It revives our boy, but in the form of Super Sonic, a clear ripoff of Dragon Ball Z's Super Saiyan form.
So at best, it can be said that Sonic's moral compass is unreliable. Surely no one would give him unfettered access to the hearts and minds of our country's youth. Number three, Sonic was a big-time narc, and he wanted your kids to be, too. There were no fewer than three separate Sonic the Hedgehog animated series in the 90s, and they all had three very strange things in common. Sonic loved to eat chili dogs.
He kept trying to make this weird new catchphrase work. Let's juice! And he was voiced by America's coolest pop culture icon, Steve Urkel. You gotta Google me deep to know that I did Sonic. These days, we hand out roles like Spider-Man and Batman like friggin' candy. So it's kinda nice that, back in the 90s, one franchise was bold enough to give Jaleel White the task of voicing the same character in three wildly different universes. Let's start with the most recent one, 1999's Sonic Underground. You can think of Sonic here as kind of a hot topic Woody Guthrie.
He was in a rock band, made up of abandoned orphans, whose instruments turned into badass future weapons, including this keytar that doubled as kind of a tactical fog machine. Anyway, the important thing is that they ended Robotnik's reign of terror through the power of rock and roll, and one time, reggae. No one is an island! That sounds pretty rad, except that these three were actually royalty themselves, so they weren't anti-fascists so much as they were anti-someone else's brand of fascism.
Help! I'm being repressed!
The other two series aired simultaneously, but could not have been more different in tone and theme. Sonic the Hedgehog, which ran on Saturday mornings, was dark and gritty, and focused on environmentalism in a techno-centric dystopian future, and the dangers of fascistic movements overthrowing a democratic government. Man, what does Sega have against fascism? Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, on the other hand, was a goofy romp around Mobius that featured bumbling bad guys with resting dumb face. While this does feature Sonic at his most rad, it also managed to turn him into a bootlicking snitch. Every episode ended with a PSA in which Sonic would promote things like loyalty to the state and other authority fingers.
He once convinced an innocent henchman to stay in an abusive relationship, and he was staunchly against all kinds of cool shit, like smoking, graffiti, and the right to repair. Never try to fix an electrical appliance on your own! Most unforgivable of all, we had to see his gag-inducing bare feet and his horrid human thumb.
Sonic really lost his way for a while there. If only someone had sat down and written out the definitive version of Sonic's story! Number 2. The Sonic Bible is all about Sonic's daddy issues and various other freaky little kinks.
All this canonical confusion began before the first game ever hit the market. Back in 1991, Sega of America found itself in a unique predicament. They had to draw up marketing plans while the game was still being created in Japan. Whether out of spite or simply because they were swamped, the Japanese team didn't keep the Americans up to speed on the emerging backstory.
So the Americans decided to build their own from scratch, and they called their holy tome the Sonic Bible. In 13 short pages we learn, Sonic was born in small town Nebraska, in the distant future! The year 2000-ish. His father fell into a vat of toxic waste, gurgled to death, and his soul was trapped in a portrait that his mom kept on the mantle. Being a hedgehog, Sonic was illiterate and mute.
So he curried favor with all the locals by tearing out his quills one by one and giving them to little kids and old ladies. Oh, and he became a high school track star before he turned one year old. So what about those daddy issues?
While he was supposed to be hibernating, he snuck out to the lab of the kindly Dr. Kintobor, an environmentalist and inventor who somehow resembled his literal hedgehog father. Anywho, Sonic spent that winter trying to impress Kintobor, who loved Sonic so much, specifically loved to watch him exercise, that he built him this weird quantum treadmill thing that helped him run at the speed of light. When a rogue wave of radiation fused Kintobor with a half-eaten hard-boiled egg, he turned into the evil Dr. Robotnik and dedicated his life to killing Sonic, instead of teaching him computer science. Also, this is glossed over in both Bibles, holy and Sonic.
But merit's a closer inspection. Sonic liked to play a cute little prank where he'd go to a bowling alley curl up and pretend to be a bowling ball, and let the townsfolk hurl him down the lanes. Anyone who's ever held a bowling ball is, at this moment, trying to figure out where the fingers go. I think deep down, you already know.
Anyway, this weird anecdote wasn't for public consumption, but it did inform the very first piece of Sonic Media ever published, an English-language promotional comic that Sega of Japan was furious about. That fucked up story about a little Midwestern dirtball getting fingered and befriending a creepy bachelor was now canon. For a while, anyway. Sega was finally able to shake this story with 1998's Sonic Adventure, which made all of that crap officially fictional. After seven long years, they were able to wrest control of the canon and put guardrails on the adventures of their cuddly buzzsaw. But only in the games. The comics remained a canonical battlefield for over 20 years. Number one, Sonic and friends are relentlessly smited by spiteful, fickle, pedantic nerd gods. Sonic's Archie comics were the longest-running video game-based comic series ever made. As you might imagine, it was hard to reconcile the relative simplicity of the video games with 24 years of war, softcore furry porn, and the occasional Holocaust allegory. Naturally, they had to call a mulligan every once in a while. The baffling part is the disastrous ways they insisted on retconning the most arbitrary details.
Take Charmy B, for example. In 2003's Sonic Heroes, Sega randomly changed his age from 16 to 6. It fell to the comic book writers to explain why their unmistakably teenaged character suddenly had the brain of a child. And they went with traumatic brain injury. The 2007 issue Cracking the Empire had Eggman drain Charmy's brain, leaving him mentally handicapped, which they played for laughs. Amy Rose got a similar treatment. After 1998's Sonic Adventure established that she'd grown out of her childish tutu and into a much more adult red dress, the comic writers had to figure out how to make her speedrun puberty. As in human physiology, Amy grew into a woman by wishing upon a ring of acorns.
Then there's Knuckles' fucked up family. After some former writers successfully sued Sega for the rights to their characters, the current writers were forced to euthanize the vast majority of Knuckles' sprawling, inbred family tree.
So there you have it. Corporate greed and petty squabbling are responsible for Sonic the Hedgehog's highest highs and lowest lows. You know what? Let's just bring back Alex Kidd.
Look at him! He's so innocent! That's what I like about him. He doesn't have any baggage.
Oh. Oh no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Hey, thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Jump in the comments. Let me know if there's any other cool Sonic lore I missed or any other weird animals he fucked. Thanks for watching! |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_vim_enthusiast | I actually wrote a VIM versus IDE comparison. Do you know how much faster VIM was? 4.3 seconds, 4.3.
I save every day. All those months learning were totally worth it. GQ5 up. Oh, that's actually the model of my watch.
VIM or VI, whatever. You either take the VIM pill or I won't talk to you. VIM is just the best editor, I think.
No, you would agree?
Efficiency, do things faster, portable, quick everywhere. Power, elite, powerful, SSH, or how I like to call it, shh. Make your life more efficient, ten finger typing. I have hobbies, yes, of course, I have a plant, very fast.
Everybody needs to learn VIM, yeah. What is school? What is school, right? We should learn VIM instead of school, right?
This is how I got, you know, whatever. We can go through the docs, text manipulation, text manipulation continued, social engineering. That was the entire alphabet is a command. It just changes your life, your productivity. It will be painful at first and painful at last. Good. You need VIM to become a true software engineer. Hacker?
No, I don't use this term. I just sit all day, look at the window.
Yes, it's fun. Yeah, well, what is fun, right?
No. Evergreen skill.
You don't really need a career once you know VIM. VIM is your career now. What's a career anyway?
VIM is always there. No, seriously. You can't de-install it without breaking your computer. No need to relearn IDEs if you get fired off. Well, it's actually, I don't have a GUI on my computer. Once you go VIM, you can never go back.
You use it on remote servers anyway. You might as well just use them all the time. Insert mode, visual mode, J, O, M, K, J, K, and suddenly you just become good at it. Let me give you a small command overview.
So VIM, you just need to learn it. It opens the door to wasting more time in VIM. Sure, it might take one year to learn the basics, but it's worth it if you ask me or anyone who uses VIM. I'm not saying your IDE is bad, but it's pretty bad. You don't change VIM. VIM changes you. If you're using a computer and you're not using VIM, that's pretty ridiculous. VIM is just a text edit.
The shortcuts are a secret. Good. Gotta do a bit more digging. I don't recommend anyone to learning VIM. I enforce it on them peacefully with code. Between us, I didn't really want to do this interview. It changes the way you look at it and the way you look. I gained 20 pounds after I learned all the commands, and I lost 20 after I started using it.
You're wasting time if you're not learning VIM. You don't have to learn VIM. You must. Well, VIM actually feels quite natural to people who use VIM. First time I used VIM, I was like, whoa, I can automate my CI. Now I'm like, whoa, I can automate my CI. And we don't need Neuralink. We already have VIM. VIM is like an extension of the human brain. You need to learn VIM if you're using a computer. It's like using a car without a car. If you're using a computer, you're kind of already using VIM.
And how's that? You will know then.
And it's not just for code. You can use VIM for many things. I use it for everything. Going to the grocery store, watching watches, going to the watch store, or whatever stores are out there. Haven't left the basement in a while. VIM is so beyond. Can you follow with the camera? Beyond. VIM bindings represent things I want to do in my head.
Play Pokemon manually, automatically. Once you start using VIM, it's like you acquired the ring in Lord of the Rings. You get the analogy, right? You start changing files, changing text files, changing system registry, breaking your computer, repairing it.
Noobs don't use VIM. I don't even have a mouse. What you mean you don't have time to learn VIM?
What do you have time for? Inefficient working? Inefficient work? Inefficient lifestyle?
Whatever. It opens the door for you doing other things on the command line. Extendable. Custom. Shell integration. A coding isn't just about editing code. It's about editing things that are not code.
Let me give you an analogy here. You know what an analogy is, right?
The same way car enthusiasts like to work on their own cars, programmers like editors that they can't program. I'm not the only one that switches up GG and Shift-G all the time, right? Oh god. I thought of going crazy. |
dropout | let_s_play_overcooked_with_celebrity_chefs | Welcome to Expert Mode, where real-world experts help us navigate your favorite video games. Today, we're playing the cooperative cooking simulation game Overcooked, and to help us overcome the challenges of a busy kitchen, we are joined by cooking experts Michael and Brian Vultagio. The Vultagio brothers are chefs, restaurant owners, and cookbook authors.
Brian was a finalist on Top Chef and Top Chef Masters. Michael was the winner of Top Chef Season 6.
Thanks for being here today, guys. Thanks for having us. Are you guys gamers?
There's a lot more buttons now than what there used to be, so it might be a little bit more difficult. I'm not very good at it.
I do enjoy it. Alright, let's go 1-1.
This is a recipe, right? Three onions make a soup. Is that a common recipe? Yeah, sure, if you're making an onion soup, I guess.
The layout of this kitchen is awful. How do you layout a kitchen for maximum efficiency?
And what is wrong here?
I feel like running all the way down to that side of the kitchen to get to your cutting board is not efficient. You shouldn't have to walk that far in a professional kitchen. Everything should be around you, you know, having your mise en place, everything in its place. Would you ever have two people in a kitchen only?
No. You just got another order. I mean, ticket rails filling up. So where do I go?
Do I need to wash the dishes now or no? No, don't worry about the dishes.
Let's throw two more onions in that pot there, because you got them chopped up already. Oh, gotcha. So you're working together. This is what helps, teamwork. So I'm a guy with glasses, I'm going to the board. Sure. Yeah, I'll start putting onions over here for you. Okay, cool. I'm on it.
Mise en place, chef. Everything in its place. This is great. All of your ingredients ready?
Yes. Thank you. We're close. I got the dirty plate where we're working at. Oh, awesome. That's great. Look at this. We're like a well-oiled machine. That's how you get orders out. You guys should watch this do it first. Watch this move. I dropped a dirty plate. I picked this up. Ooh, ticket. Yeah. Look at that. That's great.
Now I'll come back to the dirty dish. I've heard things like a chef knowing how to make a good soup. It's like a very simple pedestrian thing, but it's like something much more complicated. I mean, when you're building a soup, you're building layers of flavor. Yeah. And so, in this particular case, this only has onions, so it is layers of onions, apparently.
So now we drive the bus to here. I think it's a food truck. We drive a food truck to a restaurant. Now tell me about the efficiency of that. Just in case everything goes wrong, you have a food truck out back.
So here's an interesting situation. Have you ever worked in a restaurant where there's pedestrians literally walking in the middle of your restaurant? I feel like that's a hazard.
A lot of food events that we do are outside like this, where there's people walking around constantly. Like food festival-y kind of things? This is a food festival, Brian.
Oh, it is. Oh, I see. Normally, this is where people are asking Brian if they can take a picture with him. Hey, get out of my way. I'm trying. Yeah.
Can you explain a little bit about the expediting process, because that's something I see on cooking shows. I don't fully understand how it works. When you're expediting, you're basically...
I need to put it on fire. Okay, that's... Yeah. One person talks in the kitchen at a time. That is true. The chef talks. In this case, I'll play the chef. I'm expediting. I'm telling him where to take that food. So... Okay. Soup's burning. Can you go to that?
Where is the sink in this one? They don't miss you, chef. Why is the sink all the way on the other side of the kitchen?
Now, the game starts you off with soup. Was there like a dish that you started with that you have like a soft spot for as like like something you grew attached to when you were like starting your cooking career or something that like... I mean, soup is definitely one that you should start with because it teaches you how to build layers of flavor.
Mm-hmm. One of our New Year's Eve ones burned all the soup at like 5.45 and we opened at 6. Oh, God. And it was potato soup and actually took the mashed potatoes that we were supposed to use and cooked it, blended them into water and serve that as the potato soup and it was actually really good. Whoa!
I'm gonna pass it to you. Here, here, here. I'm giving it to you.
Take it, chop it. No, you gotta chop it, chef. Oh, chop, chop.
Oh, yes. Whoa, what's happening? Why is it getting moving? That's why. Oh, this is crazy.
How often does your kitchen move? It's just a word of boat. Oh, I've done this before.
Your soup is burning. The kitchen's on fire. It's on fire. The kitchen's on fire. It's on fire. The big extinguisher. You need a fire extinguisher.
I'm trying. I can't reach it.
You gotta go around and get out. You can hand it to me. This is amazing. I'm over here dying right now. I know. I'm trying to help you. I'm running to death right now. I'm trying to help you. How do I get this out? Can you brighten up? Oh, I'm trying. Here.
You are the worst brother ever. This is insane.
Look, I saved you. I saved you.
Who cares about the food? Look at all the orders that we have.
This is called being in the shit. When you're actually in the shit, how do you get out?
Like, are there tactics for being able to move through orders more quickly? You have to go ticket by ticket. When you have a bunch of tickets on the board, it's better to just get one out, then get another, then get another instead of trying to cook bits and pieces of all the other tickets.
So, Brian, you could do that. Just stack me up some tomatoes, man.
I'm pretty sure we just went out of business. We got dead meat to do! We did go out of business!
There was a disaster in the kitchen that you remember that was something that just like, your stomach sinks when you realize, oh crap, there's that. When I was 16, I was in charge of loading the Thanksgiving turkeys into the slow cooker overnight. There's two settings. There's a cook and a hold. And I set a hold, but I didn't set the cook. So I put them in, and basically these frozen turkeys, because it was like, you know, it wasn't really a high-end place. It was like my first job. But they slowly defrosted, and then overnight, essentially, festered.
Well, let's move away from this nuclear power plant, because I feel like that's kind of gross. So let's go this way to the metropolis over here.
It's important, though, location is one of the key elements in opening a successful restaurant. Yeah, exactly. I mean, do you want to go to the power plant to eat, or do you want to come to this cool city? Yeah. Have you ever worked in a restaurant that was just like a good restaurant, but shitty location? Mm-hmm. Where was it?
Or you can't say. I can't say. You can't say.
Mm-hmm. Right. All right, so we're making soup. So yeah, but here's the problem. All right, I'm getting you tomatoes, and you're going to the cutting board, chef. Yeah, here's the problem. Do I have to bring them all the way over to you? Come on. There's no room to move around here. I see what's going on now. Yeah. Oh. This is going to be super inefficient. Yeah.
You guys could just keep walking in a circle. Yes, keep going. Keep going.
Oh, this is cute. Round and round we go. Oh, no, that's a tomato. I need this. Come here, go. Come on. Oh, no. Well, I'm just going to go around then. That's too fun. I'm going to grab that soup. Yeah, you're supposed to grab that.
Oh, no, no, no. You have to stay behind you. When you walk up behind somebody with something hot, you stay behind you. Behind you, chef. Behind you.
I'm going to go clean this. Yes, go clean it. I got the tomato. I'm cleaning.
That's all you're good at, chef. Oh, god damn it. I'm a great man. That sounds like a thing.
Hey, out of the way. All right, out of the way.
Wash that dish while you're up there. Do something. All right. You've got time to lean. You've got time to clean.
What's the worst that you've hurt yourself in the kitchen? I frost bit my finger in liquid nitrogen. Frost? Yeah, frostbite was the worst. God. It was so cold that I couldn't feel it happening. The next day my finger turned black and like almost fell off.
I saw it. It was gross. Here's a question too.
How often are you like nicking yourself? When you see somebody that's cut and burned themselves a lot, that's somebody that lacks finesse. The scars and the bowel wounds don't mean you worked harder. It means that you're like a sloppy chef.
So here's the thing with this level. There's an earthquake and it's going to split the kitchen in half. What is going on? You know, this is a much more efficient kitchen layout. Aside from the fact there's an earthquake, it happens about every 30 seconds.
When you have a long day of cooking in a big old earthquake kitchen, what do you end up cooking for yourself when it's just like, I just need food. I just need sustenance. I've been cooking all day.
Well, if you're cooking in a burger earthquake restaurant, the last thing you want to have is a burger afterwards. You're going to have something completely different. I'll eat like scrambled eggs or like a turkey sandwich. Pretty boring stuff.
We are going to try versus mode. Michael and I are on one restaurant. Ryan and Rekha are on the other. And yeah, we're just going to see how well we can run this restaurant.
Okay, we're split up. Okay, you guys already know what's going on. This is perfect. So you need three mushrooms. Okay. Oh, it's a conveyor bone.
Wait, why did he get that? Because down there, get the mushroom first before he does. Yeah, boom. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. What else?
You need more mushrooms? I need more mushrooms. Okay. I don't have any mushrooms coming at me. Here, mushrooms.
Yes, sir. Oh, fucking feature. There you go. Great. No. You can't take that mushroom off my board. Yes, you can. I can't give it a muscle. I got it.
I'm going to put it outside.
Here, Ryan.
No! Oh, no!
I got fire! What's going on? Oh, here's my signature. Here. Oh, my whole kitchen's on fire. There you go. What's happening?
This is good strategy. I'm putting all their stuff back. I'm just going to let the place burn. I'm going to put your produce back on the conveyor belt.
How do I do this? So this is sabotage. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I need another onion. Yes, chef. I'll take this. What is going on here? Okay. I can't put it out. Here we go.
You turn to burn my kitchen down. You have my mushroom soup there. I chopped this for you. Bring that mushroom soup here. See, I'm putting all their stuff on there. Get your mushroom out of my head.
Well, we need the mushroom, because our tickets are these. Here you go. Right? Are we blue? What are you doing? I can't use that. The mushroom? Our tickets are up here. Tomato. Oh, I thought we were red the whole time.
No, I didn't. No.
Come on. That's why. That's why I keep giving you mushrooms. This ticket system is not right.
It's okay.
We're on mushrooms. Yeah, we're on mushrooms. The guests don't care about your drama. I have all these mushrooms sitting over here.
I know.
I was trying to get them. What do you need? I need one more mushroom. I just got to get it. I just got to coordinate it here. You need to work a little faster. I need a tomato, and I need a mushroom. Okay.
And I need a shit ton of mushrooms. It's under this mushroom. Shit ton of mushrooms. I don't know that that is an official term, but I will give you a shit ton of mushrooms.
Thank you. There's a soup right there. There you go. Look at that. That's teamwork right there.
Tomato. Oh, I don't need another tomato. I got tomato. I need some. I need a third mushroom.
Yeah, put it down. Put it down on top of that onion fish.
There you go.
Great. And I need a clean plate. Okay. Great.
All right, see how we do. We did very badly. It's okay. But for not knowing which side our tickets are on. Considering the fact that I was actually working for you at one moment, because I really thought that I was on a red team, we made it happen, well, at least three orders after we figured out that we're actually working in the right kitchen. Yeah. It's 120 to 32.
Is this more fun or stressful for you? This has the same anxiety as working in a real restaurant for sure. Wow. Things are not happening fast enough for you, just like in a real kitchen, where you're trying to hit the button, like move faster, chef, and it's not happening.
Yeah. That same anxiety certainly comes through in this game. Good job, developers. Yeah, all right. Yeah.
How would you like reinterpret any of these like very simple dishes in a way that you might find more interesting? So, a tomato soup could have been finished like a little creme feche swirl or something, maybe some chopped cilantro over the top, you know, something or basil. Sure. Kitchen function, whether it's like a dishwasher or like something. Scrap all the plans for these kitchens, completely rebuild them, put everything in a little bit more efficient manner so you can actually get the tickets out on time.
Yeah. Okay. And we would put ads out for more employees. Yeah. For sure. Okay.
We mostly hire humans to be chefs, too. That's all the time we have for this episode. Thank you again to our guest experts, Michael and Brian Voltaggio. If there's a game you'd like to see us play, let us know in the comments. And thanks so much for watching.
I'm a vegetarian and I would have been pretty sad to eat at these restaurants. Why? You could have had lettuce or tomato.
Okay. Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for other fun stuff, and thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
TheOnion | Will_Monday_Night_Football_Cut_Jason_Witten_After_The_Analyst_Went_0_For_65_While_Talking | Puddle up sweatheads, we're talking Monday Night Football. ESPN decided to shake things up this offseason with a new broadcast crew in the booth, but it's already looking like they made a mistake handing over the keys to rookie commentator Jason Witten. Rumors are already swirling in Bristol, and you have to wonder if ESPN will cut ties with Witten after his latest poor performance where he went 0-for-65 while talking. We all watched Jason Witten struggle to form basic talking points in the preseason, the way he figured it was part of the natural adjustment period. But now that the regular season is here, he's still out there fumbling words, botching players' names and even mislabeling positions.
I've been following this game for a long time, and his verbal performance last Monday was honestly one of the worst I've ever heard. Forget a memorable touchdown call, this guy couldn't even complete a simple throw to the sideline reporter. I don't think I've seen a performance this terrible since Tony Kornheiser went 2-for-45 talking in his debut. Of course, Kornheiser had terrible talking mechanics and frequently struggled with accuracy while analyzing plays, and he's still managed to stick around for two seasons. But that doesn't mean Witten will last, especially when he ends drives with back-to-back incomplete thoughts. I honestly feel bad for the guy. ESPN put him in a position to fail. He's a young broadcaster who should have been eased into the game, not thrown to the wolves in Week 1.
Why not bring in an experienced veteran like Dan Fouts to mentor him? Give him time to learn rhetorical devices and phrase sentences under the tutelage of a pro. Once he's earned his spot on the broadcast team, you could work him into a meaningless game around Week 16.
Alright, coming up after an 0-2 start, does John Gruden regret returning to play linebacker for the Raiders? Big NFL trade news this week, my sweatlings. Josh Gordon is now a New England Patriot. And I gotta say, I'm not so sure about this move. I mean, could someone like Josh Gordon, who's been busted so many times for marijuana use, fit in with the Patriots' strict cocaine culture? I just don't see how this works out for the Patriots. We all know Josh Gordon had a hard time putting down the ganja, and that kinda thing isn't gonna fly in Bill Belichick's famously coked-out locker room. Gordon just wants to light up and chill the fuck out, but the Pats are the kinda team that wants you doin' rails till six in the morning, and then challenging a stranger to a fight. Look, Josh Gordon struggled on the Browns, and that was a team built for psychotropic drug use.
He could just kinda hang out and have fun. Nobody cared.
How's Gordon gonna handle it the first time Tom Brady corners him and talks about his diet routine for 45 minutes straight? I'm sorry, I don't see this working. The Patriots have an intense, disciplined, cokehead mindset.
It's all about us versus the world. Everyone's out to get us. Don't snitch on me or I'll kill you. It's about cutting up lines and rolling up hundreds.
There's no way Josh Gordon can handle that. Alright, comin' up after the break, is it time for the Eagles to finally tell Carson Wentz they won the Super Bowl? |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_most_cursed_magic_items_on_the_market_ | So if you're just now joining us, we still have a variety of wonderful magic items for purchase. Take, for example, this witch's butthole holds up to six spells. When activated, it releases a pleasant aroma. Go ahead and give that a smell for me. It's good, right? I haven't even activated the gem hole yet. This is $6.99, $6.70 if you call right now. Next, we have a wand of screaming if you... So this usually goes for around $1.80 or a gem. Any gem, just bring a gem. Now, the deals do not end here, folks. For $2.30, this candle of Vorpal Storms lets you cast knife rain at will as long as it's lit.
However, when it goes out, you will forget your mom. Luckily, I don't have a mom. Neil, why don't you help out with the phones?
They're going absolutely crazy over there. Boots. These magic boots turn you into a fish. However, you do have to keep wearing them while you're a fish. Otherwise, you will turn back into a human. And when you do, you will have no clothes.
So that's good. This is a wizard. He goes for around $12.20. A lot of viewers at home might be wondering, is this slavery? No, he's a wizard.
He can't die. He doesn't feel any pain. So do not attempt to remove the gag from his mouth. He will attempt to cast a fire spell or teleport to escape. It's better you offer him freedom.
In exchange, he'll craft you trinkets and scrolls. Trinkets and scrolls and potions and stuff.
This is a little R2D2. Just an R2D2 figurine.
I had it at home. I brought it. So it's free if you want it. Folks, you're going to love this.
This hat lets you see ghosts. Now, you'll never not see ghosts even when you take the hat off. This hat will make you stop seeing ghosts, but only if you're wearing the hat.
It still has several spells that were removed by the original authors. We're talking spells like Provivify, Murturtulation, Slurt. It's got Slurt. Wandles Heavy Hacky Sack, Chair Puddle, Chimney Ass.
This is going for two installments of $340. You have to be crazy, folks, to miss a deal this good. Take a look at these potions over here. These are special, folks. We have a Strawberry Kiwi, a wonderful Pacific Cooler, and my favorite flavor, Grape Nut Grape. Now, these potions will make you blind.
However, you do gain the power of one of Nalnar's sons. Any of his sons, really. You gain their strength. You gain their stamina. You gain their business acumen.
Now, these potions are going for $50 each, but we'll do $120 for the whole lot. Just call now.
This is the Bloodsworn Chalice of Ukshar Savath, Breaker of Nations, Melter of Kings. May the nightborne quiver at the utterance of his name. May the songs of his deeds carry across the razorwinds of the breach. This one makes anything inside it sort of taste like banana milk.
This one's not for sale. Now, I've been waiting to show you all this for a while. This sign ring, hammer forged in Tharksian steel, gives you a full frog's eye view of the Thunder Swamps. Now, what does this mean exactly? I'm not entirely sure. This was given to me by a dying crone on a stump.
I was told to keep it protected, keep it safe, keep it far from the hands of Nug-Nug. I do not know who Nug-Nug is. However, it can be yours for the low, low price of $3.50 unless, of course, your name is Nug-Nug.
Moving on, this is a wizard's butthole. It's good, right? I haven't even activated the gem hole yet. We have a wand of screaming. If you... So there's that. Are you wearing a diaper? Kneel! |
cracked | film_tv_cameos_you_might_have_missed | If you're a big enough Grey's Anatomy fan, you may already know this one, but Demi Lovato stabbed herself in the chest with a hypodermic needle. Did you ever notice Elijah Wood in Back to the Future Part II? Okay, I feel like this is gonna be one that people are like, I already knew that, but I don't know, if you're not as eagle-eyed, you may not have noticed James Silent Bob in Scream 3. This one's actually so amazing.
Snoop Dogg was on One Life to Live. He's actually made several appearances because he's such a big fan? Okay, Snoop Dogg!
As a 90s kid, of course, I remember this one. LL Cool J was a homeroom teacher on Pete and Pete.
If you're a big horror fan, you might already know this one, but David Cronenberg, the director of The Fly, was in the movie as a gynecologist. Finally, I know you don't know this one. I know this one is news to you, okay? Carl Urban, you may know from The Boys, he was a stormtrooper. You don't know which one he is.
You can't see. His head is in a helmet. But it's really cool because he said it's one of his lifelong goals to be a stormtrooper, so he finally got it. Thanks for watching! |
cracked | disney_s_first_openly_gay_character_isn_t_gay_beauty_and_the_beast | Beauty and the Beast and Power Rangers both have had headlines talking about how they have the first openly gay Disney character and superhero that has ever existed. Amazing if true.
You brought me down the rabbit hole in this that we start with headline openly gay character read the article and it's questioning and then see the movie and it's nothing. So LeFou the character is played very gaily and that's the that's the problematic movie stereotype language. This is if someone had a gun to your head and it was a 90s and they were like act gay you wouldn't know what that meant in the vocabulary of movies. Not how many effeminate he speaks French. He's the only one to speak French even though the movie takes place in France.
He just like stopped short of the finger snap.
Yes absolutely and at the end of the movie holds a man in a dance and they look at each other like there might be something here that wasn't there before and that's it. At that point I just I was like briefly my brain checked oh yeah he's dancing with a guy that could either be a development in his character or just another joke about how he's gay because earlier in the movie Gaston says to him how come a woman hasn't snatched you up and he's like I don't know or they say I'm clingy. He says I'm told I'm clingy he doesn't say oh Gaston it would be a boy who snatches me up because as you know I'm openly gay because we're friends and there's nothing wrong with it and you don't have a problem with it. Gaston you forget I'm the first openly gay Disney character there was a lot of there was a lot of press about this. But also like that that dance that lasted like two seconds was an accident like they didn't give him any agency of just like hey maybe I'll dance with another man because I like men it was like oh well I'll just I guess go along with this because secretly I like it that's not openly gay. There's another problem with it the guy that he ends up dancing with he was one of the villagers attacking the castle and a wardrobe attacked three men by dressing them all up as women and two of them are like and they run away and this guy was like nice job because as we all know. Because the movie Two Flates men who like to dress up as women with gay men.
Those are the same things in Disney's logic. Or that you can become gay by a magic wardrobe dressing you. That might be true the magic thing. I don't know how magic works.
The other example obviously the Power Rangers which did the exact same thing the Beauty and the Beast stories did which is the headline is Power Rangers Open the Gay Character. You go and you read it and it's a producer in this case I think saying yeah one of the characters Trini is questioning she hasn't quite figured things out yet which is an accurate description. In Power Rangers I thought it was a pretty good handling of the subject like all the Power Rangers are having difficulty with their parents and Trini's issue partly that she is in her words figuring herself out or doesn't know what's going on with her and that's causing friction between her and her parents. Decidedly not an openly gay moment. An important thing to have in a movie that is aimed at teenagers. Many of them probably exactly like her I was like I don't know what I want right now and I my parents aren't helping me figure that figure that out. That speaks to a lot of people and you can put that in your headline about your progressive Power Rangers movie but you can't say here's this openly gay character when they literally don't know what their situation is. Right you can't be openly gay if you don't know that you're gay.
They don't have an openly gay character they do have an openly autistic character that is a well executed part of his character and it's like a positive portrayal of someone on the spectrum. Yeah he's certainly the heart of the film as well and not in a way that like I liked a lot of the spectrum stuff they did with Abed on Community but he sort of evolved into like a messianic figure on that show like this character is different and they were like perfect because of it which is how first he used to be handled in a lot of old things and this guy was the heart of the film but not in a like he's autistic and we want to prove how normal it is by making him like the perfect smartest sweetest guy that everyone loves. He was just a good likable character who happened to be autistic. There's a part in the movie where all the characters are going around they're discussing their secrets to get to know one another because they could become Power Rangers and Billy's his thing is not that he's autistic it's dealing with his dead father and not knowing if he's dealing with it correctly. I think that like in general Hollywood has a problem with balancing that between like making it like this is the gay character or this is the autistic character versus like having it just completely incidental like oh we say it once and it's never part of their personality at all again.
Yeah I feel like the people doing it wrong are necessarily the filmmakers and well in Beauty and the Beast yeah they didn't do that well but like for everything else it's not like the people making the movie screwed up it's weird. Hollywood's weird like look at how okay we are with overly gay people we're putting them in everything it's like any reference to homosexuality. I was like we did it there too. It's like no calm down like yeah and like to go back to Power Rangers I do feel like the autistic character was more unique and more cool. That's newsworthy yeah and more newsworthy than Trini having being a teenager who's questioning her sexual identity like so many teenagers. In a movie I think handled homosexuality really well and it might surprise you.
Moonlight. Hmm. Hey everyone thank you for watching make sure you click the big C in the middle to subscribe click any of those other boxes of videos if you want to watch some other videos of ours click on that bell otherwise YouTube won't know that you want to know when our new videos come out and Katie's gonna read you a short poem right now. |
cracked | the_14_stupidest_lies_from_the_first_presidential_debate | Democratic nominee for President of the United States, Hillary Clinton, and Republican nominee for President of the United States, Donald J. Trump.
Thousands of jobs, leaving Michigan, leaving Ohio. They're all leaving.
Donald thinks that climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese. I think it's real.
I did not. I do not say that.
You want to approve Trans-Pacific Partnership. You called it the gold standard of trade deals. You said it's the finest deal you've ever seen. And then you heard what I said about it, and all of a sudden you were against it. Well, Donald, I know you live in your own reality, but that is not the fact. This TPP sets the gold standard in trade agreements.
The homepage of my website, HillaryClinton.com, and we've turned it into a fact checker. So if you want to see in real time what the facts are, please go and take a look. And take a look at mine also, and you'll see. I'm under a routine audit, and it'll be released, and as soon as the audit's finished, it'll be released. As far as my tax returns, you don't learn that much from tax returns, that I can tell you.
Now, whether or not in a place like Chicago, you do Stop and Frisk, which worked very well. Mayor Giuliani is here. It worked very well in New York. Stop and Frisk was ruled unconstitutional in New York, because it largely singled out black and Hispanic young men.
No, you're wrong.
And we finally need to pass a prohibition on anyone who's on the terrorist watch list from being able to buy a gun in our country. If you're too dangerous to fly, you are too dangerous to buy a gun. No wonder you've been fighting ISIS your entire adult life.
But Russia has been expanding. They have a much newer capability than we do. We are not keeping up with other countries.
The other day, I saw Donald saying that there were some Iranian sailors on a ship in the waters off of Iran, and they were taunting American sailors who were on a nearby ship. He said, you know, if they taunted our sailors, I'd blow them out of the water and start another war.
That's not good judgment. Because... And take a look at mine also, and you'll see. I would not add a penny to the debt.
I also have a much better temperament than she has. I have a winning temperament. I know how to win.
She does not have... Secretary Clinton.
I have thought about this quite a bit. Yeah, for 30 years. It wasn't. I wrote about that.
So is it President Obama's fault? Not in more tax cuts that would add $5 trillion to the debt.
But you have no plan. Oh, I do. Secretary, you have no plan.
In fact, I've written a book about it. It's called Stronger Together. You can pick it up tomorrow at the bookstore.
Secretary Clinton. I have a feeling that by the end of this evening, I'm going to be blamed for everything that's ever happened.
Why not? Why not, yeah. ...to fly.
You are too dangerous to buy a gun. No wonder you've been fighting ISIS your entire adult life.
But Russia's been expanding. They have a much newer capability than we do. We have not been. We are not keeping up with other countries.
The other day, I saw Donald saying that there were some Iranian sailors on a ship in the waters off of Iran, and they were taunting American sailors who were on a nearby ship. He said, you know, if they taunted our sailors, I'd blow them out of the water and start another war.
That's not good judgment. Because... And take a look at mine also. ...not add a penny to the debt.
I also have a much better temperament than she has. I have a winning temperament. I know how to win.
She does not have... Secretary Clinton.
I have thought about this quite a bit. Yeah, for 30 years. That I have... It wasn't. I wrote about that.
So is it President Obama's fault? Not in more tax cuts that would add $5 trillion to the debt.
But you have no plan. Educate. Oh, I do. Secretary, you have no plan.
In fact, I have written a book about it. It's called Stronger Together. You can pick it up tomorrow at the bookstore.
Secretary Clinton. I have a feeling that by the end of this evening, I'm going to be blamed for everything that's ever happened.
Why not? Why not, yeah. |
cracked | 5_biggest_mistakes_in_the_super_mario_bros_movie_2023_cinemistakes | What's up everybody, this is your boy Steven Spielberg and the host of Cinema Stakes, the show where we take some of Hollywood's hottest films and we absolutely skewer them. Skewer them. I mean skewer them. We burn them to the ground. We take them and we spray them with a flamethrower and we put them on the skewer stick and we go scorestir on their asses.
Today we are taking a movie that a lot of people are going to get hyped over right now. We're doing the Super Mario Brothers. The movie. And a lot of people are saying, oh, you can't do it. You can't skewer Super Mario Brothers 2023. It's an amazing movie. The brothers are awesome and we love playing the game and even though the game is really hard and you die immediately on the game, when you get like one second in and the first little guy comes out and he gets you every single time and what is going on the skewer stick right about now.
Yeah, that's Super Mario Brother and I'm coming for your ass. Here are the top five mistakes in the Super Mario Brothers 2023 film. The first reason why the Super Mario Brothers movie makes absolutely no sense is where's the Mario voice? Where is the Mario voice?
I didn't hear it. All I heard is Star Lord's voice. Star Lord is in the Guardians of the Galaxy. He is an Avenger.
But now I'm hearing his voice everywhere. Where's the Mario voice? You know the, it's a me, a Mario, it's me, I'm driving my car on the rainbow day, it's me, Mario, pizza, things like that. That should be the voice. I mean, honestly, I'm just going to say it, that was pretty good. That was a pretty good Mario impression and maybe it should have got me to do the Mario's voice because honestly, that would have been better than what we got.
Star Lord is part of Mario team? I don't understand. He's not, Star Lord is an Avenger, not a Mario. Okay, and if you're saying he is, then the reverse must be true. Mario must be an Avenger.
Honestly, I would like that. Mario, he should have been a member of the Guardians of the Galaxy. He should have been an Avenger. He would have taken down Thanos immediately. There would be no snap. We wouldn't have needed a second movie. Instead of in-game, it would have just been game.
Mario, the Mario's game. I don't understand how Star Lord's voice made it through all these edits and all of a sudden Star Lord's voice is now Mario. Yeah, I'm sorry. We should be looking into this. I'm guessing what probably happened is that Star Lord was on set and he's talking about Mario because he's from Earth and then they had their mics running and they filmed it all. So then someone took that and they just took it and made another movie out of it. Like this feels illegal. Plot all identified. This movie confused the shit out of me.
Star Lord is not into Mario. The second reason why this movie makes no sense is that, yeah, okay, let's say Star Lord is going to do the voice of Mario. It just makes sense that Mario should look like Star Lord.
Alright, he should be tall. He should be ripped. He should be sexy and funny.
And Mario is not. Mario is a short guy.
He is kind of round and plump and he's got a round face and small arms and he wears a hat all the time. So yeah, for example, he should be like wearing a cool leather jacket and have headphones in and he's listening to really cool underground deep cut music.
And you know, maybe he's surrounded by like friends on a yacht and it's like everyone that he works with at Lids and they're all just like, dude, we respect you so much as a boss and like as a manager and we love you so much and it's not weird that we can hang out. We hang out outside of work because we're so close. You know, we're all friends, even though you are our boss and you make more than us and you kind of like tell us what to do.
Like he'll be sitting there and they'd be having this awesome playlist going with all these cool like deep cuts and songs that you picked out and they'd be like, whoa, like, dude, your playlist is awesome. You know, like this is amazing. You picked out all these songs and you know, I would be like, yeah, this is my like normal playlist. Like my daily drive playlist is just like not a big deal to me. And they're like, dude, this is so complex and amazing.
Plot hole identified. He should be hot and sexy. The third reason why this movie makes absolutely no sense is, yeah, while we're on the voice thing, let's discuss Jack Black as Bowser. He doesn't make any sense because Jack Black is in School of Rock. You're hearing Jack Black's voice through Bowser and you're seeing him as like this big turtle dragon lizard thing, but it's his voice. He should be the cool guy that's playing guitar and he has a suit and he's a substitute teacher and stuff like that. Like if you're going to put Jack Black in a movie, it should be School of Rock Jack Black, because that is what his voice is. You know, it doesn't make any sense. But the same reason Kung Fu Panda doesn't make any sense. Plot hole identified. Bowser should have been Jack Black from School of Rock. The fourth reason why this movie makes about zero sense is that the storyline between Peach and Bowser and Bowser being in love with Peach is completely unrealistic.
Okay. Let me break it down for you. So you have Bowser who is voiced by Jack Black. Jack Black is in School of Rock, which means Jack Black is a rocker. Then you have Peach who is voiced by Queen's Gambit person, but she's a chess nerd. So on the one hand, you have Rocker Jack Black, who's willing to risk his life all to be in love with a chess nerd. Yeah, the math doesn't add up on that one. Okay.
Rockers and nerds don't get along, okay? Rockers only get along with other rockers and sometimes goths. So yeah, plot hole absolutely identified. Rockers and nerds do not get along. The fifth and final reason why this movie makes no sense is Mario and Peach's relationship, because Star-Lord does not like chess nerds, okay?
Star-Lord likes hot aliens. He likes aliens that are beautiful and have long hair and stuff like that. Aliens that have rich fan-fiction communities online with story lines that you've never heard of.
That should be canon. They should be, but they're not going to, too, because Hollywood can't handle it. But that's what artists do, is they push boundaries.
Okay, so when you really think about it, you've got Princess Peach, who in this movie is actually kind of jock-adjacent because she's super cool and is moving around and fighting stuff. You also have a rocker that is interested in Princess Peach, which means she is by proxy rocker-adjacent. And then she's also got the chess nerd aspect to her, too, right? So she's got the trifecta, which, coincidentally, is actually the same trifecta that I have. I am sort of a hot jock because I am very in shape and I can do karate and I can run really fast and all that stuff. And then I'm also a rocker, duh, because I love to rock. And I'm a bit of a nerd, too. I'm nerd-adjacent because I'm a manager at a lids.
So if you're thinking about it, Princess Peach has the trifecta. I have the trifecta, and it's actually inspiring because we potentially might be soulmates, you know, like. And so, yeah, this this movie is actually very inspiring because it might have just shown me that I found my soulmate in Princess Peach. I can't believe I'm saying this, but, yeah, like this movie is amazing.
So, yeah, I'm taking Super Mario Brothers off the Skewer stick. This has been Cinema Stakes. Super Mario Brothers is going off the Skewer stick. It's got five stars, and I cannot wait until I one day get a first date with Princess Peach and we become soulmates. |
TheOnion | Nation_Just_Wants_To_Be_Safe_Happy_Rich_Comfortable_Entertained_At_All_Times | According to a new report from the Pew Research Center released today, the vast majority of Americans simply want to be safe, happy, rich, comfortable, entertained, thin, and romantically fulfilled. The Onion spoke to a few of the survey's respondents, who also claimed they want to be healthy, fulfilled, and successful and energized at all times. All I want is a low-stress job, a nice house, affordable health care, and low gas prices. You know, it'd be nice to have a 35-hour work week, delicious food that's actually good for me, strong friendships, and free high-speed Wi-Fi wherever I go. I mean, we're living in the greatest country on earth. I think I'm entitled to wealth, love, cheap education, a fair legal process. According to the survey, 63% of all Americans want their summers to be hot but not too hot. 93% want the government to stop all wars and world hunger and make quick and easy weight loss possible. 93% want to be emotionally satisfied. And 100% of Americans want all of these things all of the time, plus a soulmate, unconditional love from their parents, and a big happy dog. Isn't that outrageous to want high-quality goods to be manufactured and sold cheaply right here in the USA?
And what about racial equality? Enough time to catch up on all the TV shows I've been meaning to watch? Your long-paid maternity leave? High self-esteem?
Access to public libraries, a decent prison system, a new Wes Anderson movie, independence from foreign oil, central air conditioning in every building. Strong manufacturing sector, affordable beachfront property, healthy fast food. Free parking right near my job, water filters that work. You know, like, water filters that will really fill up a whole jug really fast. More arts funding in our schools, affordable healthcare, high-speed monorails in every city, free Wi-Fi, decent cell reception, and these are just the basics.
I don't want to pay library fines, I don't want to die, I don't want to wait in traffic. I want to lose weight without having to exercise, low taxes, a solution to global warming, more weekend days. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
SaturdayNightLive | fox_news_end_of_an_era_snl | You're watching Fox News, continuous coverage of the 2009 election, end of an era, and now Greta Van Susteren. good evening. I'm Greta Van Susteren. Well, it's hard to believe that only one year ago, Barack Obama entered the White House promising a new era of government, And yet on Tuesday, it seems that era came to a definitive end. we'll discuss. But first, Shepard Smith To recap Tuesday's historic present in Virginia. Greta, on election night, the voters of Virginia spoke loud and clear. a state Obama carried an O-8 is now back in the hands of the Republican Party. I do believe we'll all remember where we were the night Bob Mcdonald took back the State House. indeed. let's meet our panel. Senior political analyst for Fox News, Brett Hill.
Greta, always a pleasure. Npr correspondent and Fox News contributor, Juan Williams. Hello. great to be here, Greta. Former Deputy Chief of Staff to President George W. Bush, Carl Hogue. thanks for having me. And Democrat and former Howard Dean campaign manager, Joe Trippi. Thank you so much for having me.
Why did the Obama era end so quickly? Well, Greta, he had 10 months, 10 months in office, yet he could not find the time to fix the greatest economic collapse in modern times or even win one of the two wars he inherited. And let's not forget that it was under his watch that we lost the King of Pop. So true. so true. let's take a look back to New Jersey. Shepard, break down the results for us. Greta, it was more bad news for Barack Obama as New Jersey went to Republican Chris Christie. And that was the death knell for the Obama administration. it's official, Greta. No, he can't. Juan, the Democrats are already trying to spin this by saying that New Jersey wasn't a referendum on Obama. Any truth to that? Well, look, they can say John Corzine was an uncharismatic, one-time Goldman Sachs employee dogged by corruption accusations whose most memorable moment in office was a car accident. But I think it's clear New Jersey thinks Barack Obama is a bad president. Carl, how do you see the rest of Obama's term? Oh, he's a lame duck.
Joe Trippie, you've been pretty quiet over there. you haven't asked me any questions. Britt, the significance of Tuesday. there are certain indelible moments of triumph in our great nation's history. the Moon Landing, Ve Day, the Lewinsky Scandal. Tuesday was one of those nights. I concur. Same here. If I could just say one thing.
Joe, we have to cut away to Fox's own Glenn Beck. Thank you, Greta. You know, I couldn't sleep Tuesday night because in my neighborhood, people were pouring into the street and honking their horns in celebration of the return of Freedom. they were screaming and yelling and banging on garbage cans, letting their neighbors know it's safe to come out. that loving America is legal again. And I love America. Oh, and Greta, I also realized you could rearrange the letters of your name to spell a great. And it was a great night. a great, great night for a great, great nation. Thanks, Glenn. Now, let's revisit New York's 23rd Congressional District, where Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh backed the conservative candidate, Doug Hoffman, as he courageously stood up to the Gop and their candidate de-discuss his ab-ab-ab-ab-ab.
Chip, can you give us those results? I'd rather not, Greta. Why not? Because it's just not important. if you say so, Chip. |
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