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programmersarealsohuman | free_software_life | And the camera is rolling. You're AP. Yeah. Tell me your story. What? Tell me your story. Alright.
Yeah, I know a lot of people are asking me what am I doing and who am I and everything. I guess I can talk a little bit about the product that I'm building. Yeah, I'm building a product nowadays and it's all free software. I'm not really communicating it because I'm not really on social media. It's kind of hard to roll out a product if you're not on it.
But yeah, first of all, welcome to the temple of innovation. Why is there a cockroach in here? The problem with free software is you're not making any money.
So, I can't really live in any humane conditions right now because if I convert any more of my crypto to fiat, I'll be in a 90% loss. All those people want a huge deposit for a flat, but at least I have the choice. I can stay in this cheap place where I risk losing two of my kidneys. Or I can sign this tenancy agreement for a better flat, which is actually quite cheap, different location, good terms. And here I just put as security two arms and two legs. But yeah, I do have higher living standards.
I need good direction to the sunlight so that I don't have fatigue while working on free software at night. And a good surrounding. Not that I ever go outside, but Uber Eats doesn't deliver too far here. But that's what happens when you live in capitalism. You have to hustle hard to live under humane conditions.
Urgency spurs innovation. Now, I know a lot of people say, well, why don't you just get funding? Well, it's not the time anymore where you combine two APIs, put in a bootstrap dashboard, put in a bunch of blockchain and cloud keywords and sell it for 10 million. Nowadays, you need to at least have AI in it too. With all these technologies getting easier, technology just got more complex.
Also, nobody wants to hear about free software anyway. So it doesn't matter.
Better get there. Hi, I've lost power. Alright, I'm in. What am I going to do? Oh, my laptop. Oh, it's battery. Yeah, so we start off another day. Also, I mean, there might be rats coming in later.
So yeah, I want to talk a bit about the product that I'm building. It's kind of hard to roll out when you're not on social media, but I don't want to be on TikTok, Instagram, Twitter or any other wasteland. I don't want my users to spend their precious time there. It's IRC only.
It's natural selection. I know a lot of people are worried about food scarcity, climate crisis and social collapse. But I'm here worrying about proprietary software. People say, you know, building products nowadays is easy because technology got dramatically cheaper. But while technology got dramatically cheaper, living expenses don't. And usually people are asking for a pretty high deposit nowadays. There's little trust in a guy that's developing free software.
The upshot is you can choose your pain. Either the short, sharp pain of raising money or the chronic ache of writing free software and never making money. Okay, we got to get got to be a little bit quieter. Let me just show you something.
I know a lot of people criticize this community for being like a cult. That's a very unfair classification. I use Arch, for example. Do I go in every comment section I can find and comment that I use? Okay, maybe I do. But people define a cult as a place where people seek inappropriate loyalty from their leader. Do I seek inappropriate loyalty from my leader, Richard Stahl? Okay, maybe I do. But here it says people in a cult discriminate and exclude people with opposing views. Do I exclude and discriminate people who don't believe in the advantages of Arch? Okay, maybe it's a cult. |
dropout | the_guy_who_deflects_compliments | I think that's why it's funny. A cat can't talk. Yeah, I'm just saying I would not say bae this much.
Hey nice shirt, man. Oh no, this shirt is ridiculous. Come on man, just say it with compliment.
You know I think my favorite thing about this shirt is it gives you kind of like a start up vibe, you know? Yeah, it does make me look like a tech snob. No, that's not what I was saying. I was just saying you look kind of pretty refined and, you know, while we're talking about it, nice shoes.
They're just cheap, inexpensive garbage. Well, you look like you paid a lot more than you did for them. Yeah, I did. I paid twice as much. I got a horrible deal.
Your hair looks good. Did you get a haircut? I did. I know I look like the guy from The Matrix. Oh, I love that movie. One of my least favorite, a deep insult to myself. Next. Cool hat, dude. Only got it to cover up my dumb Matrix hair.
Good sketches this week? The one about the dark screaming or the one about Facebook? Sure. The one about the dark screaming is just pandering to people who like animals. Okay, the Facebook one then. I think we all know I've been to that well too much.
Nice watch. Makes my wrist look small. Cool pen. Looks cool, right? It's poorly.
Awesome pants. They're aggressively normal.
Just take the compliment. And I will when I deserve it. Okay, well, good compliment deflecting then. Thank you. I work really hard at that. That means a lot to me. You are truly welcome.
All right, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Me too. I gotta poop again. It's over.
Grant, we're in an edit session. I hate confrontation! Stand down, Grant! Yes, sir. You can pretend like you're holding me and I'm a tiny person.
Let me down. |
cracked | how_to_deal_with_bullies | Today's topic, dealing with bullies. Welcome to the first Laserdisc edition of the Cracked Advice Board. I'm very excited, providing you, as always, with the information necessary. I am your advice friend, Dr. Kahn. Assisting me today is my chlamydia-positive sister, Cassandra.
Recent statistics from the reverse dimension show that 10 out of every 6 children will experience bullying in the next 12 to 8 business days. But luckily, you can put a stop to it with these few simple steps. All bullying behavior is derived from low self-esteem. Try catching your bully off guard by gently caressing them with compliments. Make sure to catch your bully when their defenses are down, so they can fully receive your positive self-esteem-boosting energy.
Can I just say that you have, like, the most striking facial features ever? The sound of your breath is so soothing. Now, some bullies' insecurity is so deep that not even an underbed breath affirmation can help. Now, in these rare cases, a more direct approach is necessary. Nothing's more esteem-boosting than the sight of a loving face.
Try planting little Easter eggs for your bully to find throughout the day. And now, a brief aside.
Cyberbullying, of course, refers to any bullying behavior that involves a cyber of any sort. Now, unfortunately, the only way to defeat a cyber bully is cyber to cyber.
Use it. Use your light, cyber, like the old man taught you. If your bully is not responding to all of your positive reinforcement and rough cybering, it's time for your last resort. Leash training. Start with simple commands.
Sit. Speak. Hey. Shake. Pleasure to meet you.
Now, it's important to note that bullies are real allergic to some civilian food like chocolate or human grapes, so keep a close eye. With time, your bully will become your closest friend.
That concludes today's episode. Now, please leave. I must rest.
Oh, Patrice, I found this really great folk remedy. Patrice?
The first dimension show that 10 out of every 6 children will experience bullying in the next 12 to 8 business days. But luckily, you can put a stop to it with these few simple steps. All bullying behavior is derived from low self-esteem. Try catching your bully off guard by gently caressing them with compliments. Make sure to catch your bully when their defenses are down so they can fully receive your positive self-esteem boosting energy.
Can I just say that you have, like, the most striking facial features ever? The sound of your breath is so soothing. Now, some bullies' insecurity is so deep that not even an under bed breath affirmation can help. Now, in these rare cases, a more direct approach is necessary. Nothing's more esteem-boosting than the sight of a loving face.
Try planting little Easter eggs for your bully to find throughout the day. And now, a brief aside.
Cyberbullying, of course, refers to any bullying behavior that involves a cyber of any sort. Now, unfortunately, the only way to defeat a cyber bully is cyber to cyber.
Use it. Use your light cyber like the old man taught you. If your bully is not responding to all of your positive reinforcement and rough cybering, it's time for your last resort. Leash training. Start with simple commands.
Sit. Speak. Hey. Shake. Pleasure to meet you.
Now, it's important to note that bullies are real allergic to some civilian food like chocolate or human grapes, so keep a close eye. With time, your bully will become your closest friend.
That concludes today's episode. Now, please leave. I must rest.
Oh, Patrice, I found this really great folk remedy. Patrice? |
cracked | 4_weirdly_specific_things_famous_people_do_in_every_movie_after_hours | I don't follow celebrities personal lives, Katie, I'm not an idiot, exception, James Cromwell, he's into some freaky freaky stuff. Look it up. Then you can't judge. Sure I can, based on the movies that I see. I'm like a detective who notices strange patterns in their behavior and then forms obvious conclusions about their guilt.
The only thing that you can tell about someone's movie is that they were there the day that the camera was wrong. Mostly, sure, but successful filmmakers get to do whatever they want and sometimes whatever they want is the same ridiculous thing over and over again. Like how J.J. Abrams loves to use lens flares?
Ha! I had a punchline of that joke in Take It Back Two Years, that's a classic Bowie zinger. Yes, sure, and I'm talking about the weird stuff. Like how you can tell Quentin Tarantino has a foot fetish. See, I always thought he was just quoting Moonwell. Really? One of the top five most influential directors of the 20th century? Isn't that the name of a cinnamon Mexican pastry treat? I know who Moonwell is. I must have missed the one that had a five minute scene where they argue that foot massages are as erotic as oral sex.
You know, I've always wondered, what's up with Spielberg and the bright light? Spaceships have lights on them, mystery solved.
Poltergeist. It's like those spirits are trying to suck that drill into a toilet paper commercial. The Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's light that melts people's faces off. It's like the part of young Steven's brain that was supposed to be afraid the dark got reversed. I'm sure his nightmares look like the background of an online dating ad.
The Holocaust, right? Avi. What's Schindler's List about? Really, the greatest tragedy of the 20th century happens out in the open and only one guy does anything to try and stop it.
Darkness is a relief. It represents the unknown, and the horror of the Holocaust is that it wasn't unknown and it happened anyway. Darkness hides evil from us. Light is evil choey. E.T. gets captured and killed by the government in the daytime, but gets to make s*** fly under the cover of dark.
Most of the shark attacks in Jaws happens in the daytime too. Because the mayor is a shark attack denier.
The Jewish soldier is David Robert Ryan. He gets stabbed through the heart in broad daylight. Well, a cowardly gentile looks on and does nothing.
Little on the nose, but I like it. But Spielberg didn't write those movies. He wrote Poltergeist, which is the only one of his movies whose plots can be summed up as light is f***ing terrifying. But you're right, generally.
That's why it's more fun to psychoanalyze movie stars. Yeah, but actors don't get to decide what's in movies either. Well, I didn't say actors. I said movie stars. You can just look at their posters even.
Every A-list action movie has a blue steel. Denzel Washington always looks off to the right. Will Smith, straight to camera. Jet Li wears the same sunglasses all the time. Bruce Willis has tilted his head to the left at the exact same angle in every single movie poster since 2004.
Nice, not even movie posters.
The vast majority of Tom Cruise movies rely on the thesis that he can save the world just by running really cool. Look at Mission Impossible 3. They stop in the middle of that movie for like five minutes so that he can sprint around China just screaming at people. And that's on top of the running from the trailer. Like, they saved the good running for the movie. In War of the Worlds, he clears 13 miles in a single shot. You'd be scared too if you had Spielbergian blow lights on your sprinting well-toned ass. Doesn't even need to be an action movie.
Jeremy Maguire, he sprints through an empty airport for no reason. At the beginning of Vanilla Sky, Tom Cruise is driving through New York when he realizes that it's empty and then he gets out and starts sprinting around Times Square like a f***ing Dalmatian. And that is one of the most expensive shots in movie history because they literally had to empty Times Square in the middle of the day.
I wonder if that's just how he gets from place to place. You know, like I bet Tom Cruise sprints from the bathroom back to bed after he goes to pee at night. Whoa, you guys, I think I just realized something. I think Tom Hanks wants to make us watch him pee on stuff. Yeah, that guy pees on everything, man, after my own bladder.
It's important moments, too. It's how his character is introduced in A League of Their Own. It's how he's introduced to President Kennedy and Forrest Gump. I got a pig.
I mean, they resurrect one of the most beloved presidents in United States history for 15 seconds just so Tom Hanks can tell him that he has to go pee. In Apollo 13, he makes us watch him pee in painstaking detail. The tube it passes through, how it's expelled into space. Not enough for Tom Hanks to conquer space.
He must piss on it. Money Pit? He loses a pissing contest with a statue in front of the house. The Burbs he wants to snoop, so he pretends he has to pee while holding his penis in a way that it now strikes me as entirely inappropriate for adult company. Having to pee saves his life in Road to Perdition, and I'm sure that there's a scene in Castaway where he pees in the ocean, but the worst is Green Mile.
Which sounds like a book written by I.P. Freely, presumably during his blue period. Yeah, Tom Hanks was at the peak of his career. He was coming off of Saving Private Ryan. Apollo 13, Forrest Gump, he could have his choice of doing any film.
But what does he do? He does the movie where his character's biggest obstacle is that he suffers from painful urination. He can't pee freely.
But then Michael Clark Duncan holds his dick and we get a minute-long shout of his face. Just as Tom Hanks is hitting the peak of his career, the summit that I now realize was clearly his goal from the start.
Forcing audiences nationwide to watch him have a graphic, slow motion pee gas. You remember the scene in Saving Private Ryan when all those soldiers were hobbled around in that church and they're talking about how much they missed their moms? And then Tom Hanks, out of nowhere, starts talking about this dead soldier who used to pee on people's jackets. He used to pee a V on everybody's jacket. And he's laughing maniacally. I remember wondering if Tom Hanks' character was supposed to have some sort of psychotic break. Psychotic pee break? Speaking of which, does anyone else have to pee really bad all of a sudden?
Yes. Yeah. Power of suggestion, huh? Wait, this restaurant only has a onesie bathroom, right? I just, I go in the dumpster. Is that true? Yes. Okay, get some dumpster. Hey, hey, hey, my voice is, I want the key. And peeing.
Welcome to Temple Academy. The entire first year is safety. The second year is safety and maintenance.
With force class. Use the force. By light of nothing, by dark of bright, the Jedi way, we look, we are, protect, Jedi, good, yes. That was nothing. Jedi Code?
No. Not the... |
TheOnion | Why_Are_There_So_Few_Female_Directors | Hollywood's track record when it comes to female movie directors is downright dismal, and it's not getting any better. So why aren't there more female directors? Well, there just simply isn't enough chocolate on set to keep them happy. How does Hollywood expect to be more inclusive when a woman's need to always have chocolate treats available to keep her calm and content goes completely ignored? This isn't to say female directors aren't working. Kathryn Bigelow won the 2012 Oscar for Best Director, and Ava DuVernay's Selma was a Best Picture nominee in 2015. But just because those two somehow survive 14-hour days without a chocolate fondue station by their side doesn't mean everything is okay. And what about up-and-coming female voices who aren't the DuVernays and Bigelows of the world? How are they supposed to get a foot in the door as PAs or grips when they can't wear silk pajamas to set or take long baths in clawfoot tubs to relax and even out their levels? No wonder aspiring female directors look at this photo of Nora Ephron on set, longing for just one chocolate-covered cherry or delicious bonbon and say, not for me. Hollywood executives can make excuses for the lack of female directors till kingdom come.
But the solution is simple. Every step of the moviemaking process, ask yourself, is there an adequate amount of fuzzy slippers for the number of women in this room? Have I put enough seaweed-infused facial mask samples out by the craft table? Where can I find a chaise lounge so my female director can lie down and relax while directing? Until then, progress is at a standstill. For The Onion, I'm Shawn Ditko. |
ClickHole | the_secret_language_of_cinema_how_filmmakers_use_the_character_of_stifler_to_express_horniness | symbols. If there's one thing filmmakers love, it's symbols. From Kubrick to Aronofsky, all great directors use symbolism in their films to convey meaning in subtle and interesting ways.
Let's explore this further by examining how filmmakers use Stifler to symbolize horniness. Consider this scene from Paul and Chris White's 1999 film, American Pie. Notice how Stifler is in the scene. Without Stifler, this would just be a scene about two friends sitting together at a party. But the filmmaker's decision to put Stifler in the scene suffuses it with horniness. Of course, the best example of this technique is in the famous La Crosse practice scene. Here, directors Paul and Chris White draw focus to Stifler, who was humping the air and slapping an imaginary ass. In this way, they use the symbol of Stifler to convey horniness without explicitly invoking it.
It's textbook show don't tell, and the Whites brothers pull it off skillfully. But they're not the only filmmakers to make use of this technique in their work.
Let's look at J.B. Rogers' 2001 film, American Pie 2.
Rogers deploys Stifler as a symbol of horniness as contagion. Wherever the characters in the film go, Stifler follows, a parasitic horniness that they cannot escape, no matter how hard they may try. Stifler, get off!
I am getting off just listening to the two of you guys.
Rogers emphasizes this theme visually by having Stifler enter into scenes instead of being in them from the beginning, symbolizing how horniness is infecting the film's characters like a virus. Director Jesse Dillon complicates the symbolic meaning of Stifler in his 2003 film, American presenting a Stifler masquerading as a symbol of non-horniness, only to be unmasked as a symbol of peak horniness later on. In this way, Dillon's use of Stifler reveals a new understanding of horniness as a kind of shapeshifting trickster, capable of taking on whatever form necessary in order to achieve the ultimate goal of horniness, aka sexual intercourse. But the filmmakers who are using Stifler to grapple with this idea of horniness in the most interesting way have to be John Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg, who masterfully employ the symbol of Stifler throughout their film, American Reunion. Like in other films, Stifler appears in Reunion as a symbol of the characters' horniness. But in a fascinating meta-textual move, writer-directors Hurwitz and Schlossberg go as far as having the characters actually acknowledge that Stifler is a symbol of their horniness.
First in this scene, you're our dick. And then later on, by Stifler himself. I'm your dick.
It's a truly brilliant way of simultaneously deploying Stifler as a symbol of horniness, while also commenting on the cinematic effect of the symbol, namely the pervasive horniness that permeates the world of the film. And it masterfully demonstrates one of the many ways that filmmakers use Stifler to symbolize horniness. |
dropout | Dropout_Presents_Trailer_Exclusive_Specials_Series | But why is my pee cloudy, doctor? He says, that's the cancer. You pee it out. Like everybody who's taking chemotherapy or doing radiation should like, stand up to pee and they should do it like this. Ah, how are you guys doing tonight? Are there good parts of cancer? Your hair can change.
Thinking maybe I was gonna get that sort of like Jeremy Allen White situation going on? I got the Mark Zuckerberg situation instead. What the is I talking about? Ah, attention deficit disorder, right? 27 minutes in, I'll be solving racism. Unfortunately, about six minutes later, I will be reinventing racism. Oh, thank God. My Taco Bell is here. If you could surmise in one sentence. Exploding hamster in my voice. I fucking got it.
Who was the person you were least expecting? Oh, that's what you call my roommate? You were not expecting the person you live with to be at your surprise. People are gonna make fun of me if I have a small tattoo.
No one's gonna make fun of this huge Kat Von D. How was the polka nose? Yeah, it was polka closed. What do you mean it was polka closed?
This is currently microwaving my hamster. That is cool. Stop it! This is real! This is not some first! That was a little much on the side. |
cracked | 4_simple_things_hollywood_thinks_are_difficult_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Sometimes a thing will appear super hard to do in a movie, but plot twist, it's not hard at all. It's actually super easy, just the most boring, average, run-of-the-mill thing in real life. Why do movies do this? They pretend easy things are secretly difficult. Is it because real world, difficult, is complicated and nuanced and a downer?
You know, yeah, that's probably it. That makes sense. Life is hard, movies are easy. Let's start.
There's an entire sub-genre of movies based on the idea that consuming any type of mind-altering substance turns you into a f***ing Looney Tunes character. We've seen the outrageous consequences in movies like Dude Where's My Car, or its remake with older people, The Hangover, or its remake with older people, The Hangover 2 and 3. In the latest Seth Rogen Does Drugs, Foul-Mouthed Hijinks, and Sue Extravaganza, aka The Night Before, Rogen gets so high that he ends up screaming about Jesus in a church. Not in the socially acceptable way, I mean. In Transformers 2, Curse of the Rise, or whatever, Shia LaBeouf's mom eats a few pot brownies and instantly goes from a sweet lady to a dangerous maniac assaulting people for no re- I should've made a transforms pun there. Goddammit Daniel.
Stupid.
The list goes on and on. Seed or alcohol renders its takers completely useless at best, and wildly transformed got there at worst.
We've seen that trope thousands of times, which suggests that, contrary to popular belief and all laws of common sense, there are thousands of Hollywood screenwriters who have never been on drugs. Now, what comes next might sound like an endorsement of drugs, or a downplaying of their effects. I want my official stance on this clear. I do not condone drugs, and I personally don't think anyone watching this video should do drugs unless you want to. I don't care. Being drunk and or high makes you dumber and or gigglier than normal, and it definitely impairs your judgment and no one should drive or make important financial or life decisions while they're under the influence of any drugs, but they don't immediately turn you into a different person. And yeah, I get why this happens in movies. If a character is high in a movie, he or she has to be high in a way that is immediately obvious to the audience. Because otherwise, what's the point of your edgy stoner humor? But in reality, pretending you're not tripping balls while tripping each and every one of the balls is so easy that a teenager could do it.
In fact, they do it all the time, usually during family dinners. Are there teens in your house? And in fact, they're probably getting s*** faced right now without your knowledge. You're a bad parent. Speaking of family dinners. Nothing to add to that, just speaking of family dinners, family dinners, that's your contribution to our shared indi- Okay, you're in a mood.
Moving on. According to Hollywood, the five most surefire ways to invite disaster into your life are 1. Building your house where the house of some pissed off ghosts used to be. 2. Kidnapping anyone's surname to Neeson. 3. Filling an amusement park with giant killer dinosaurs. 4. Filling anything with giant killer anything's really. 5.
Having dinner with your family. Especially during the holidays. Movie trailer voiceover guys talk about year-end family get-togethers with the same gleefully ominous tone they used to describe getting murdered by Freddy Krueger. Just putting a bunch of related people in the same dining room together guarantees something shocking will happen.
Maybe a valuable heirloom is destroyed, or a dark secret is revealed, or someone mistakes your aunt's dildo for a flashlight. What? I thought I made that up. I thought I was doing a bit. That happened? F*** Ron Howard?
Anyway, family dinners. If there's turkey involved, I believe it was Russian playwright Anton Pavlovich Chekhov who once said that if a turkey appears in the sitcom, it is absolutely going to get f***ed up at some point in the episode. As a direct quote, look it up. Everything is always so dramatic, which is, like, the exact opposite of how these things go in real life. Most extended family dinners I've been to have been like this. What a charming anecdote.
Food. It's good.
Aunt and uncle. Yeah. Second cousin.
Are you still doing that same job from last time that I definitely remember when you told me what it was? Great. How's California?
Warm.
You mostly just sit there, either politely struggling to find common ground to talk about, or just, like, talking to your f***ing family members that you like. I wish something dramatic would happen, because at least that would be interesting. Maybe I should bring an urn full of ashes to my next family gathering. That always seems to produce high drama, according to movies where people care about those things.
Walk. I'm no expert on... micro... humans. Baddies. Whatever you call them.
As with most things, the majority of my knowledge about caring for tiny, bald, semi-people comes from movies and TV, and movies and TV seem bent on convincing me that changing a diaper is one of the hardest and most inscrutable tasks that I, as a man, could ever attempt to do. Where does Mommy keep the extra diapers? You're doing that wrong. TV women are naturally better at dealing with that crap, meaning poop, but even their female instincts aren't enough to save them from the getting peed in the face trope, which is... a little weird. Seriously, if the diaper changer is a guy, then the ungrateful little dwarf will usually aim for his shirt. But if it's a lady, by the way, if I'm not on some sort of watch list for entering the search terms that led me to those videos, I'd be very disappointed in my government. That's O'Brien with an E, and Big Daniel with a big. But here's the thing, literally hundreds of millions of people have to change diapers every day and night, often in the dark and while sleep deprived. If these things were as difficult to operate as Hollywood assures me they are, I'm pretty sure we would have invented a less sucky method by now. Statistically speaking, the great majority of the civilized world must know how to change a diaper quickly and effectively, and yet shows and movies still treat someone who can do that as a freaking wizard. Dealing with someone else's poop can be daunting for the uninitiated, but I'm assured by people who have actually changed a diaper that it's not that hard to catch on. And if pull up front clothes stickers is too complex for you, they even have ones that are more like regular underwear now.
Baby! That's what they're called. They're babies. I lost the words. Baby.
This was the single most common viewer suggestion in the previous version of this video, plus the few people who said I should jump off a bridge, a bunch of people corrected me by saying that the kids in Carrie didn't buy the pig's blood, and one commenter who said that I could not possibly be, quote, an authority on prom or anything social that happened during high school, end quote. Congratulations on your innovative bullying, YouTube commenter, whose only record of liked YouTube videos includes True Story, videos attacking women, videos attacking black people, videos attacking muslims, videos promoting 9-11 conspiracy theories, Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song, and like, six video tutorials about how to carry a sword properly. Your hands, you f***ing idiot.
Anyway running. Running to and from things has been a key element of our species' continued survival since humans have been a thing. Man has been running for millions of years with occasional breaks to start civilizations and take naps.
That's why it's surprising that people in movies, especially spooky ones, somehow evolved and survived this far despite never quite figuring this one out. Admittedly I've never been involved in a chase with some sort of supernatural evil or dude in black pajamas because I make it a point to never associate with those types of people. But if I ever am, I like to think I wouldn't suddenly forget how to use my legs. The sphin- the butthole I can understand, sure, but the legs? Even the laziest able-bodied person has years and years of experience putting one foot in front of the other in all manner of situations. And yet, people in these movies are so inept at running that they haven't even figured out how to do it in a direction that isn't straight ahead.
This silly-ass scene from Prometheus might be the most important moment in the entire Alien franchise because it's very clear from Numi Rapace's reaction that she is the first person in the history of mankind to realize she can run to the left. It's like The Quest for Fire but with basic motor function. If it wasn't for this one lady's revolutionary discovery, Sigourney Weaver wouldn't have lasted more than five minutes in those other movies. Also, say what you will about Charlize Theron's character, but at least she kept running.
So to be clear, Sarah Michelle Geller is running from a thing that's behind her, a thing that she knows is bad and can kill her. And when she hears a noise coming from the same direction, she goes, Holy shit, there's something behind me. Better turn around and check it out. Oh no. Why are you doing this to me, Sarah Michelle Geller?
You were literally a few steps from the safety of that parade. But maybe parades are to blame here. The newest James Bond thing starts with Bond chasing a guy through Mexico City when they run into the traditional Skeletor is Awesome parade.
And they both just fucking stop. We evolved for survival. When there's real danger, your adrenaline will kick in and you won't even need to think about running because your body is better than you at surviving.
Unless you're in a dumb movie. I've had it with you movies. Daniel out. Join us next week when our topic will be, I didn't mean what I said just now, movies, I'm sorry, I love you, I'm sorry. Do you want to hang out later, Netflix and chill? HBO go and fuck on the couch? Okay, good, okay. Join us next time when our topic will be five more simple tasks that are bizarrely hard to do in movies.
That can't be true. Who keeps writing these silly joke titles? Hehehe, he's gonna hate this. Fuck you, Daniel. Bye. |
dropout | nerd_alert_sucker_punch | You're watching Nerd Alert, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Pat Cassels and Matt McCarthy whose album Come Clean is on iTunes on this week's episode. This is what it looks like when anime fans get together today, but this is what it looked like in 1986. Today we are going to be talking to this man who grew up to be the publisher of Anime.com about what society was like before anime was cool.
There was a lot of debate this week over who Joseph Gordon-Levitt would be playing in the upcoming The Dark Knight Rises. Variety citing insiders claimed he would be playing Alberto Falcone, but then Entertainment Weekly citing their own insiders said that Variety's insiders were wrong and that he was definitely in the movie, but who he's playing is open to speculation. Meanwhile, French Stewart sobbed openly by himself over his local supermarket's generic brand of TV dinner.
Duke Nukem Forever has been in development since 1997 and this week it was revealed that the game's take on Capture the Flag would be called Capture the Babe and replace flags with women who would sometimes need to be slapped. At this point, Duke Nukem Forever is almost 13 years old, does it have the sense of humor to match? But first, Sucker Punch comes out in theaters today. The trailer features scantily clad women fighting monsters, dragons, and robot samurai. Is it nerd bait and will you take it?
Matt. Ahhh! Yes.
It looks good. It's a funny movie where girls kick ass. They can dress however they like.
Like Norma Rae? Who's the guy who's like her dream mentor, who's, you know, he's like the guy who's like, if you don't stand for something, you'll die for nothing. Pat Scott-Glenn. Where do I know him from?
Vertical Limit. Um, I don't know, what else? No, you got it, you got it. I'm sure he's done so much for more, he's like, god dammit, theater in the round 13 years! And I think Vertical Limit.
One reason I'm excited about Sucker Punch is just that it's an original movie, it's not based on a comic book or a toy, and I don't actually totally know what it's about or how it's going to end. If Sucker Punch is disappointing, it'll be on its own merit.
Real quick, before we move on, Zack Snyder just announced that he's gonna have Kevin Costner and Diane Lane be Mon Pa Kent in his upcoming Superman movie, Good Move Bad Move. I like to think that maybe Pa Kent is the same character he was in Field of Dreams, same guy still on a farm, still just living in the cornfield. The only way I could see being Good Move is because there's a long standing tradition of killing Jonathan Kent, and if we can get that done, then by all means, Mr. Costner. Moving on, I'm gonna have to use a lot of air quotes on this one so that you know these aren't my words.
Controversy erupted this week when it was revealed that the babes in Duke Nukem Forever's Capture the Babe mode would occasionally freak out and require that the player hit a button to give them a reassuring slap. The CEO of Gearbox, who was developing Duke Nukem Forever, hopped on Twitter to explain the situation and said that, Duke can give the girl a love smack on the booty, not face. Is Duke Nukem even still relevant? Is this worth getting upset about? Pac. Like the use of the word booty, like in case you didn't think Duke Nukem was dated enough already, the CEO is using my word, you know, I think it's kind of being blown out of proportion. Duke Nukem is not the dangerous kid in the back of the class who's going to kill someone. He's like the loud, annoying kid in the middle of class who just wears like South Park t-shirts and screams and is just trying to get a reaction. Making fart noises into his elbow, Pip. Yeah, it's just more immature then, which is cool. It's just hilarious that people are getting upset over Duke Nukem, I think.
Again, still. Yes. I had completely forgotten that Duke Nukem Forever was even supposed to happen. They were going to cancel it and then someone had the idea of Capture the Babe and they were like, the game is saved. I bet you even the women are going to wear like those 80s style bikinis that go like way up here and on neon green. They're treating it like it's a throwback to this 90s character. Really, Duke Nukem in the 90s was a throwback to the 80s because he was always quoting they live. He was quoting army of darkness. So now it's just like this ambiguous mess. Like what exactly is he? What are they going for? Chinese democracy has already come out. Yeah. And this is that's a fun game to play. Just trying to name things that have happened since Duke Nukem Forever started being developed in 1997. What else you got?
They scripted, cast, produced, shot, edited, distributed, and then released on DVD, all three Lord of the Rings films. An entire video game system dreamcast was built, released and failed.
All seven Harry Potter's. Yeah, they cleared out the entire Harry Potter.
Joseph Gordon Levitt has apparently been cast in The Dark Knight Rises. The only thing director Christopher Nolan needs to make the perfect movie now is advice from internet nerds. Who do you think Joseph Gordon Levitt should play in the upcoming Batman sequel?
And why Pat Clayface? No, I don't know.
Riddler seems like the just in terms of body type. Yeah, he's the lankiest of the rogues gallery. Absolutely. If anything, he's not lanky enough. I don't see him being able to play a character other than Robin. He's a little old for Robin. Like he's not Tommy from third row from the Sun. I know he's got to be. I know, but I can't picture him. But you know, it's just he seems forever young. Batman forever young.
You know, Robin is not a terrible guest because judging by the first series of Batman movies, part three was when we got Robin, you know? And that's when things started getting good. The movie does already have two confirmed supervillains in Anne Hathaway's Catwoman and Tom Hardy's Bane. So the idea of putting another one in there does get kind of crowded. Well, that's kind of smart though.
I think what Chris Reynolds is starting with the least magical villains, you know, like Joker's just a sociopath that wears makeup. Bane is maybe the first one who kind of has superhuman abilities, but that's only because he's a juicer. Riddler does kind of fit like an actual villain psychological profile. He's like always, you know, real villains always haunt the police. And Riddler's superpower is that he tells the police what he's been up to.
Right. Yeah.
Moving on, our next guest was a trailblazer who was into anime way before you were. His work in fandom paved the way for today's waves of otaku cosplayers and all-around weirdos. Please join me in welcoming via RoboGuess, the publisher of Anime.com and Fanboy.com, Michael Pinto.
How are you doing today, Michael? Very good, Jeff. Thank you.
So, anime conventions in the 80s, this is before cell phones, this is before Facebook, this is before the internet really became a thing. How did you guys get organized to meet up? We would actually write letters to each other and we would show up at bigger science fiction conventions and comic book cons. What did you guys do once you all got together? Oh, the thing you had to do is you get in VHS tapes from pen pals in Japan, which were by the way in Japanese, they weren't in English, and you'd do copies of tapes and trade them with each other and try to figure out what was going on by the action in the show. So you were into anime, do you speak Japanese?
None at all, and still none to this day. Is it possible since you didn't hear with the dialogue that you have a completely skewed narrative, like you think it's about like some businessman who's like has to up his sales quota? Oh, yeah, actually, we would actually sometimes even make up our own stories to go with the shows. When we're showing this stuff with friends, a friend would often sit by the side of the television and kind of interpret what was going on. Did this position have a name? I'm really hoping it has a name. Like the Gatemaster or the Code Breaker. There are some people who are translators, and actually some of those people from back in the day went on to become professional translators later on.
You guys would literally write to people in Japan and have them send you VHS tapes of anime. Are you at all jealous of kids today who have what is essentially an infinite supply of anime? You could watch nearly anything you ever wanted to on your cell phone at any time. Kids today are so spoiled. They have no idea like the amount of work you had to do to get anime. Anime was this precious commodity like gold or hen's teeth. I often find anime just when I'm not even looking for it. It just finds you on the internet. Well, also, there's so many different types of anime fans today and there are conventions everywhere.
You don't have to do any work. I mean back then you had to be really hard for it was like being a hardcore punk rocker, you know, had to go all the way or nothing. Do you think kids are better for having all these tools and it's just supply of anime? No, no, no, no, no, I would never go back to the old days.
I mean, I'm also a computer geek. I mean, what a lot of my friends that would do is because there were so few of us. We would travel up and down the East Coast and West Coast and cross-country. We'd go to like comic book conventions and science fiction conventions. Rent at a hotel room. Everyone would bring their VHS machines and you daisy chain them together just to try distributing the tapes.
Wow. So by the way, this is all legal. So don't say anything. I'm sure that is a guy from the 80s like finally my first break in the case. You sent over a treasure trove of just material from back in the day.
This is a Starblazers fandom report from 1984. I believe what is the Starblazers fan club? I was president of the Starblazers fan club. Starblazers went off the air in New York City about 1979. So what I did is I organized as many of my friends try bringing the show back on the air. So I placed an ad in the back of Starlog magazine and we got about 300 numbers grand total and the fanzine you're looking at grew out of that.
It's hard to imagine because the way you watch television today, if I miss an episode of something, even something highly serious, I can go on Hulu and it's on DVR. If you miss it, it's just gone forever. You might never get a chance to see it. Maybe wait for the summer and catch the rerun. And actually, by the way, Starblazers is going to be back on the air on the Sci-Fi channel in April.
So it worked. I think that's all the time we have this week for NerdAlert. Thank you so much for joining us, Michael. Thank you to Pat and Matt. NerdAlert will be back next week to discuss the release of the 3DS. Until then, stay busy with CGI, our bad special effects of the week. Later losers. Thanks for watching. |
cracked | 5_video_games_that_were_just_commercials | Virtual worlds have been invaded by real-life problems. Ahem. Hi.
Simulation games have been popular forever, but while I understand that washing your character's dishes in The Sims or rearranging furniture in Animal Crossing might be satisfying to some, I don't want to pay bills in my video games. Besides simulated chores, the most devilish real-world insurgents into gaming is product placement. Tons of old games are laden with fast food imagery, and games from the late 2000s featured other earthly easter eggs, like when Barack Obama's 2008 presidential campaign plugged his face into 18 different titles. But there are a few shining sheep examples of retro games that went beyond product placement.
There were no products placed in these games. There were no commercials inside these games. These games were commercials. Or these commercials were games.
Or let's take a look. This is Pepsi Man. He was given his own video game on the original PlayStation back in 1999. The premise of the game is...
Delivering Pepsi. In the first level, a truck driver with a flat tire tells Pepsi Man that he needs his help. Delivering Pepsi. The next stage, there's a building on fire, and a fireman needs your assistance. Delivering Pepsi. Next, you help the military quench some stranded people's thirst in the desert. With Pepsi. Then finally, you get to Pepsi City. Oh no, the big Pepsi computer went down and the cops can't get people their Pepsi.
So you know what to do. You have to kill the president. Sorry, read the wrong thing. Yeah, you have to deliver them Pepsi. That's the whole game.
Because the world turns to chaos unless there's enough Pepsi for everyone. But also, there is enough Pepsi for everyone. It's just in the street and kind of rolling around inside people's homes and construction sites. And the cops and the army just want you to put the Pepsi back inside the vending machine.
Underscoring this complex metaphor for the human struggle with delicious and destructive vices is Pepsi Man's bizarre quasi-surf rock theme, which plays on an endless loop throughout every level. It's just one of many things Pepsi Man does to make sure you never forget what game you are playing or what soda you're drinking. It's Dr. Pep- Perhaps most baffling of all are the videos that introduce each stage. They feature a dim-witted American man carrying an armload of Pepsi cans and various bags of junk food. We watch on as he giggles his large head off at the game. Pepsi Man was exclusive to Japan, so I think this was supposed to be some cheap shot at Americans' love of chilling out and playing Pepsi for TV game.
But wait a second. Hey, weren't we supposed to be disappearing into a fantasy world where loving Pepsi makes us epic? Instead, PepsiCo gives us this brutal, unvarnished look into the reality of their customer base. That's not how it works, guys.
You don't introduce a porno video with a clip of a sad man lubing it up. You're supposed to introduce a porno video by showing a hot guy reaching for a delicious can of Dr. Pepper.
Again? The wrong soda again?
DannyCrack.com Dark and Sky is the 2002 GameCube game that is a playable commercial for Skittles. And it's bad. It follows the adventures of a young sorceress named Sky as she wanders the land collecting magic Skittles to do battle with the villainous lord Necroth in Restore, the Great Rainbow, and who cares? Think of it as a mash-up of Game of Thrones and the CVS self-checkout. Haha, fucker. Loosely based on Skittles' Taste the Rainbow ad campaign, the game has players sprint around fighting monsters and gathering up different colored Skittles. And there's a gargoyle assistant, and a tree guy, and some other crap too, sure. Psst, here's the best part. Notice that it's impossible to tell from the game's title that it has any connection to Skittles and that Skittles are neither mentioned nor appear anywhere on the cover. A new hero, stolen magic, an epic quest. That logline is so vague it could be for any game ever created.
It took me two seconds to come up with a better one. Here you go, Darkened Sky. Play the Rainbow, there. That was so fucking easy.
Aside from the embarrassingly ridiculous candy magic system, the makers of Darkened Sky deliberately wanted to minimize the presence of Skittles in the game. It maybe wasn't the best plan for the only game in history ever created for the explicit purpose of advertising Skittles. Watch this. And is that a Skittle? No. And we're going to see some Skittles here? Nope.
Still in the woods. Now you're in a cave.
Bad game.
Look, I understand the goal of keeping the Skittles imagery to a minimum. I do. With something as oversaturated as Pepsi Man, sure. You think about Pepsi after you play the game, but it's almost annoying to even think of the word Pepsi after you play the game. So yeah, go the other route. Have a little Skittle on screen at all times and pretty much never say the word Skittle in the game. But if you're trying to sell Skittles, sell some d*** Skittles. I comb the internet for some Skittle screenshots and this is the best I could come up with. Whomp there. One Skittle.
Reaching down. Who care?
Darkened Sky somehow managed to be worse at selling Skittles than it is at being a game. And it's a really awesome game. Sorry, I said that wrong. It's a dog d*** game. Oh no. It looks like in 2006, Burger King released not one, but three different terrible Xbox 360 games. You could buy them for an extra $4 with any value meal. Surprisingly, the games caught on and managed to sell as many copies as Gears of War that year because apparently, people couldn't get enough mediocre gameplay involving a plastic man who looked like he escaped from a Primus music video. Yuck. Sneak King has you guide their glazed-faced king on a solid snake series of missions hiding in bushes and trash cans scattered throughout suburbia with the ultimate goal of ambushing people with Burger King menu items. It's hard to ignore the fact that commanding a Lord Farquaad man as he spies on an entire neighborhood blurs the line between ham burglar and ham predator. But hey, it's a $4 game. And the chicken fries are to die for. You actually get more points for waiting until the last possible moment to present the food to your targets before they pass out from hunger. Which is a bizarre device to begin with. But it's made even worse by the fact that the game is meant to be promoting the restaurant.
This seems to suggest that only people teetering on the brink of starvation would be happy to see a Burger King. And they're not really even happy to see the king. Their emotion would be better described as not dead. Kind of Stockholm Syndrome-y if you ask me.
And you did. Thank you for asking. I respect you.
The other Burger King games took the main concepts of Mario Kart, item-based car battles and straightforward racing, and they split them into two different and very bad games. Big Bumpin' and Pocket Bike Racing. Burger King used the rest of its mascot roster, which admittedly isn't a very deep bench to fill out the cast of playable racers in both games. Along with the obvious addition of the beautiful and talented multi-hyphenate Brooke Burke. Because she was involved in the Whopperats. Here's some footage of the Whopperats. Why couldn't we get a Whopperat game instead of some random minibike racing disaster?
What do you care? You bought this game while you were blackout drunk buying chicken sandwiches at 1am.
Idiot.
If by any chance you're a game developer watching this, I need you to hear me now. If you are going to place product in my games, make it cool or don't do it at all, you bitch. Like Monster Energy and Death Stranding. That was well done. That's how you sell a beverage.
While these games hold a place in the hallowed halls of gaming guffs, they were clearly a waste of time and talent. Like 80 people worked on Dark and Sky. 80 adults sat down and got paid to make a completely dog-shit game. What a shame.
Are we good? Can I... Can I take these?
Thanks guys. Thank you. Thankyoucrack.com. |
dropout | Oreo_CEO_Stop_Making_New_Oreos | Hey, gang, what's going on, everyone? Haven't been here in a second. How we all do it? Well, this is Craig's birthday video, right? In accounting? No, no. This is a promo sheet for Oreos, for the product that we make. Oh. Okay. Yeah, of course. Hey, gang.
My name's Carl Box, and I'm the proud CEO of Oreos, Milk's favorite cookie. We want you, our loyal customers, to know that here at Oreos, we don't take our position for granted, and we will never rest on our laurels. That's why we've been hard at work innovating brand new ways to enjoy your favorite cookie, from minis to double stuff, all of your favorite flavor varietals like golden, mint, and Halloween.
Ah, sorry. Gang, can we stop here? Can we pause down for a second? Oh, yeah, sure. What's up? Okay, number one, just like, we can agree that Halloween is not a flavor, right? And kind of to zoom out for a second, we should absolutely be resting on our laurels, right? Excuse me? I'm not gonna narc on you guys. Just keep cashing the checks. You don't have to come into work as Oreos. We work at a money factory, like go home. Can we hold real quick? Yeah, let's go home. Let's stop. Yeah, what's up? People have worked really hard. Why?
We could just make Oreos. We are just making Oreos. No, we're making crazy bullshit.
Kyle, please run me through the new approved Oreo varietals. Okay. Um, well, you got your double stuff Oreo. Cool. Your football Oreo, which is football-shaped. Your big stuff Oreo, which is even more How is big stuff different from double stuff? It's bigger. Uh, oh, fuck. After the smash success of our birthday cake Oreos, we got to thinking of all the other special events that can use the world's greatest sandwich cookies. From wedding cake Oreos to graduation Oreos, retirement Oreos, to bereavement Oreos for funerals.
Nope. Hey gang, nope, we're not doing that.
Should I go on? Yes.
Strawberry milkshake Oreo? Strawberry Oreo, it's different than strawberry milkshake Oreo. You need to be able to explain what the difference between strawberry milkshake Oreo and strawberry Oreo is, or I'm going to burn the building down. So the milkshake, it has more of like a milkshake taste. Milkshake's not a taste.
It has a consistency. It has the consistency of a milkshake, this cookie? No, it has the consistency of a Of an Oreo, right? Yeah.
Our 4th of July Oreos were such a smash hit, we had to introduce our civic holidays line. Make sure to try our smoky barbecue Labor Day Oreos, our caramel Memorial Day Oreos oops, mouth full and our green tea Arbor Day Oreos, now with real wood.
What? I need you to be able to tell me what's wrong with this without me explaining it verbally. Keep going. Gluten-free. Hey, everybody wins there.
Android Oreo. Android, like the phone. Chocolate Oreo.
That's easy. They're already chocolate! I get it. You're losing your mind. We made the perfect cookie a hundred years ago, and now there's no work left to do. I'm telling you, we did it. We won.
Go home. Be with your families. Raise your children.
Stop making new Oreos. Honest question for the marketing department, and I really sincerely mean this. Does anybody here sincerely believe there is someone out there who hasn't heard of Oreos? Do me one better. Do you believe there is someone out there who hasn't already had an Oreo?
No. Then what are we doing? Uh-oh. What's this?
It's the new Bizarro line from Oreos, putting the fun back into functionally the same cookie. With the new inside-out Oreo, you've got cream on the outside with crunchy cookie in the middle. With the oops-all-letters Oreo, you've got a package of just the part of the cookie that says Oreo on it. And with the dodecatuple-stuff Oreo, enough, enough, enough.
The madness stops here. Do you see that there is nowhere else to go? And Alexander wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer. We done did the good cookie that everybody liked, and now we get to go home.
Can you at least just look at these billboard and bus-stop samples? What do we need a billboard for? You know where a billboard is?
Every cookie aisle in the world. I have never been to a grocery store and not seen half the cookie aisle choked with a sinful glut of bullshit Oreos.
You have a poison in your mind, and the fact that you can't see it makes me so sad. We work really hard. Don't.
Oreo soft cookies, they're softer, they don't have as crispy of an outside. Oreo thins, they're also quite crispy. Cinnamon bun Oreos, cinnamon latte Oreos. You are a babbling fool, and we have built a temple to madness. Filled cupcake Oreos, just muffin Oreo.
Hello? Craig! What's up? Guys, it's Craig! Happy birthday, my guy! What's up? Yeah, I'm in the office right now. Ah, man, it's great to hear your voice.
You taking it easy? No, you're working 80 hours a week. It's too much, Craig.
Bluetooth. It tastes exactly like an Oreo, because it is one. |
dropout | SantaCon_Mutant_Melee_Pt_2 | Hey gang, Brennan here announcing that Dimension 20 has gotten so big that it officially needs its own YouTube channel. We're gonna have brand new videos and exclusive content.
That's what all these industrious workers here are working on. Say hi industrious workers. Hi industrious workers.
Bye. What do you say to Santa? Santa, get your up. Merry Christmas.
He vomits a bunch of peppermint eggs out of his. He laid eggs in me. He laid eggs in jolly old Saint Nick.
Oh my God. You see Santa begins to like crawl to his feet.
That's your bonus action. You have movement and action left. I guess I'll move toward Ricky Mitsui just in case I know Ricky. Boy, I know you could take care of yourself, but. And you have an action so you could do a disengage to not get attacks of opportunity. Great, I'll do a disengage to not get attacks of opportunity.
Kingston rushes back over to Ricky. Then that's going to be Ricky.
Okay, I might, they're gonna go before you get a chance to heal me so I think I gotta heal myself first. So I'm gonna do cure wounds on myself.
Cool. So my spell casting ability modifier is just one, right? Okay, so I heal myself for four. Glad I came back. What's your charisma? My charisma is three. Oh, oh, okay. Charisma is your spell casting modifier. Gotcha, so I'm healed for six. I'm at 10 now.
And then I don't really have anything else to do other than I guess I could try to move forward towards the thing, but they're gonna get a hit on me, right? Yeah, they would. Yeah, I think I probably should get that way in any case. So I'm gonna try to move one, two, three, four, or three, four, five, six.
Cool. So two of them are gonna get swings on you. Okay. So you move them right here. Great.
18 is my AC. Two swings on you, 18 is the AC.
That's two misses, baby. Woo! That's a high AC. Yeah, you rush, you're so buff, these goopy Santa Claus and just boom, muscle your way through. Then it's going to be short. This thing picks up Santa. No. In one, it's quite a bit. Oh, it's so drippy.
Are those bodies? Oh yeah, they're bodies.
Yeah. Is that a pregnant woman? No. Christ. Dark. Comes over here.
Trying to get to Dunkin' Donuts. It's in the DD perks. I'm gonna need dexterity saves from Ricky and from Misty.
13. 11. Who got a 13?
I did. You did, okay.
All right, I'm at two. I'm at two.
And then the mutants go. There's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. I'm gonna be down. All right.
It's you two who can bring people back, right? Yeah, I can heal people. You have heals too? I have a heal. I don't think I have any kind of heal thing.
Hey, then go kick it, dude. Leave that to us.
I know, I feel bad though. I always fight healers. I don't know how to not heal. You heal yourself, man. I'm at 21. It's true. I let other people heal you.
Okay, Kingston, what's your armor class? 18. You take five points of damage. Okay. From a slashing, one of your tackles rips at you. 21 minus five. Kugrash, what's your AC? 17. I got a little shield. You take eight points. What are you at? 10, and I have to roll to maintain concentration to keep my sphere. Absolutely, fuck me. I don't do it. Pete, what's your armor class? 13. You take four points of damage. Down to two.
And then that's gonna be Misty and Ricky. That's a miss on Ricky and a miss on Misty.
Do I have to, for concentration, he hit me for 16. That spell is gone, right? Verifier?
You could theoretically roll, it's a constitution saving throw. So you should roll a saving throw to see.
Half damage is eight. Yeah, so no advantage over him whatsoever. God. These saving throws are fucking nasty. That's going to be now, those were all the mutants that went.
You see that Santa. Come on, Santa. Santa, from within the claws of that thing, goes, well, I'm very, very sorry. You deserve better than this, especially during this holiday season.
But, let's see what else I can do. And you see that he reaches into his bag, which he's still got. Presents! He just gives us a PS4 and that's it.
But it's a 1d12 weapon. Ricky catches it, but it still breaks. So he reaches in and takes a little bit of snow and goes, every single one of you gains eight hit points.
Hey, Santa. Thank you, Santa. Santa. We wish you a Merry Christmas.
Even in these times, he's laughing. It's crushing me!
I did it wrong. Back up to 24. Met 10. Yeah, same. Waking up Santa was the right move. That's gonna be Sophie. Okay. I would like to run, jump off on this exposed rib, and use it to monkey bar myself to uppercut him with my feet. I wanna concuss this. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. You make it there. You got a speed of 40, right? Yes. Cool. Go ahead and roll your attacks. Okay, is 18 gonna hit? 18 hits. Okay.
So that's for seven. Then I'm going to hit him again. Does 16 hit? 16 hits. Four, five. Then I'm gonna use, so it's seven, five. I'm gonna use a ki point for a flurry of blows.
Do I have to roll? No, do I have to roll again? You just have to roll an attack, yeah. Roll an attack again, okay.
17's gonna hit. So for another five. Nice. Jesus Christ. After flipping this chrysalis into the sky, you guys see Sophie is fast. Runs up. You flip. Can we say I did the gymnast thing where I do a circle on the exposure? Yeah. This off balance high queen wobbles around and you jump up and get in the rib cage and you kick this right in his peppermint heart.
And he vomits a bunch of viscous half-formed presence. Like weird organic bows and ribbons and come out of his mouth.
Incredible. Yeah, you are now deep in this dude's rib cage. You see that Santa looks at you and says, Sophie Bisacletta, it's wonderful to see you. Oh my god.
Was it really you who I used to go visit at the Staten Island Mall? No, that was an alcoholic vagrant.
I'm Santa Claus. That man got a seasonal job because it's a, you know, that's sort of what he can handle. I see. Well, he was really nice. Make sure you give him a good present. I always do. Okay. You are, yeah. You are inside that giant Santa Claus.
That's gonna be Pete. Okay, someone's in front of me, right? They'll get a hit on you if you move.
Yeah, and I don't really have these level spells left. All I have is fire bolts. And I guess they explode still. You've used your second level spells, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, so wait, can I, do you think sleep would affect these people, or? You could make a, make an iconic check to see. 13, 14.
The powers you've been drawing on are starting to make you feel a little bad. You do feel like another part of you sort of coming on. There's something else you could reach out to. If you wanted to try and cast sleep, you definitely could.
Cool, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. You go ahead and cast sleep. So go ahead and roll, I think it's what? It's 5d8. Yeah. And that's how much, who are you doing it on? What would make most sense?
Probably the little guys, just to take them out. Yeah, so we can stop dealing with them.
Okay, I've got 4d8. Great. 12, and then 15. 15 altogether? Hell yeah.
You go ahead, this guy right here, you hit this area, and this guy goes to sleep. As you hit that group of them, you see a different voice. You suddenly see a flash of that little gray-faced child, and you see the child says, I'm trying to reach you back.
And weird gray, gritty, city dust. It looks like the kind of dust that kicks up out of the weird gutters and sidewalks that would then hit you in the eye, but also mixed with little pieces of diamond and glittering starlight appears in your hands, and escapes and hits that guy in his weird oculus, and he goes, Mm, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is a sugar problem, that's in my head. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And is snoozing.
That's gonna be Misty. I turn to the big boy, and I say, hey, big boy, let's dance. And I do an incredibly fast time step with my beautiful silver trees of Titania, and I cast Irresistible Dense on the big boy. I can't believe I'm getting a free Misty Moore show. Oh my god.
Darling with me, every day is a show. My life is a show.
So you see that this thing looks at you and goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And it has no legs, but just sort of squirms, and it poops out a couple half-formed Santa clones. Okay, that's terrible, I'm sorry, I didn't say anything.
That's now going to be. Before I do that, sorry, I go to Sophie, and I go, hey, kid, I like you, you're great, and I give you bardic inspiration. Oh my god, oh my god. My new friends are awesome. That's going to be Kugrash.
Sweet, okay. I'm gonna do something a little risky here, because I'm a rat, and I'm gonna just take hits from these guys maybe to get up to here. I wanna get in the middle of my friends here within a 30-foot aura. Dope. I wanna get there. Cool, go for it. Unless I get struck down, I'm at 18 right now. Bum, bum, bum. One of them really clobbers you for 14 points of damage. I'm at four. But you do get to that spot. Great, okay.
Then I am going to, I'm a circle of shepherd druid. I'm going to call upon a spirit totem of a unicorn. Just, my other one's a real, but this one is an actual majestic unicorn. Everyone in a 30-foot aura, anytime I cast a healing spell, they get healed for my druid level. So they'll get healed for three.
That's nice. What do you got? Actually, you know what?
I can only cast cure wounds on myself, because I can't touch anybody else. Well, but you need to do that anyway, so that's why everyone's gonna get that heal, though.
Oh, it's a bonus action to call the spirit totem. Cool. So we all get three? You guys see this incredible unicorn here made of snow. You guys recognize this is the in-wood unicorn that- Hey, you're so- Hey, how you doin'? Hey, I'm rubbin', rubbin' space. Beautiful snow, you mean. Hell yeah, man.
Get mud all over it. And then you can heal yourself. Not for much. I just heal myself for six.
So Pete, you're at 10? Pete's at 10 and in the corner by himself.
But the person in front of me is asleep, but still the other two guys are asleep. I think it's this guy right here. No, this other guy fell asleep. You still had a guy next to you. You're still- The guy in front of me isn't the one who got a chance. You didn't roll high enough to make that dude in front of you who's uninjured go to sleep.
Kugrash, you're at? I'm at 10. 10, Ricky, you're at? 13. 13. And if I move out of this trifecta of dirty sandals I've found myself in, they'll all get attacks of opportunity on me unless I disengage?
Correct. Okay.
Let's all watch dirty sandals. So many Billy Bob Thuntons in one way.
I think I'm gonna disengage. Yeah, can I disengage from these three, move one, two, three, like over near the sleeping Santa and then cast Healing Word on Pete the Plung?
Yes, you can. Go ahead and roll that 1D4. Oh, lovely. Plus, that's nine. Thank you, man. That's good.
I forgot to roll for sleep. Go ahead and roll. Is that a mad one? For sleep?
But maybe it'll be something good. Healing Surge. It could be something good. That's a wild magic surge. Very exciting, our first wild magic surge. I was trying to be honest but I didn't want to be that honest. But maybe it'll be something really good though, that'll help us.
Yeah, true. You feel yourself, as you get healed by Kingston, your two types of magic interact again, of this, again, this like golden light mixed with your insane rainbow. You get hit and all of your sorcery points are restored. Wow. Yeah, buddy. Okay. Okay, let's do it. Being unstable is good. You feel yourself, this is like the most insane upper you've ever been on. You are cooking right now. Yeah. Now we're going to, that was Kingston. Ricky, that is you.
How up is this big old bad Santa doing? Big old bad Santa's not looking great. Big old bad Santa's got to be like dancing.
I think I'm gonna try to Join me. Just run up and divine smite him. Nice. Do you have any spells left to divine smite with? It's my last one. Last one, cool. I've used two so far. Cool. One, two, three, you run up. You see, yes, Sophie's in the rib cage kicking the out of this thing's heart.
Hey, just hang on Santa. I'm coming to get you. You're the opposite of Santa. Go ahead and take your attack.
Ooh, that is a 17. 17 hits.
Cool. And then for, so I add two D8 on top of the D8. Yep. Okay, cool. You'll get two D8. Whoa.
So 14, sorry, that was a seven and then a three and then an eight. Ooh, 18. So seven, three, eight, and then plus seven. So Jesus, 14, 17, and eight, 25. 25, yeah.
You guys see, you rush up to go save Santa. You go, you're the opposite of Santa.
Wait, can I safely catch Santa so we can land together since I'm right with him? Go ahead and give me an acrobatics check. Okay. I'll drop Santa. 24, baby. You land with Santa, goes perfectly in your arms.
He goes, you do so much for all of us. Someone needs to look out for you. He says, well, now it looks like I'm on your lap.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Someone take a Polaroid, I'll put it on my fridge. I'll do a selfie.
Incredible, you see that the decapitated, actually the head falls away. The decapitated body starts to dance up Broadway and like spurt blood and eventually collapses over by the sparrows. You see, cool, the mutants all sort of scream and they're no longer possessed with purpose, but they are violently lashing out still.
So that is Ricky's turn. Santa's there, Ricky's there.
These guys, actually you're gonna run. Misty, you get an attack of opportunity on that one. If you want. Great, I mean, I'll use my umbrella with a knife inside of it to go for his little ribs.
11, no, wait, 14. 14 hits.
Great. That is four points of damage. Not bad. Good, I helped in other ways. There you go. Yeah, girl. Ha, ha, ha. Dope. You see, and that was just your reaction, so that's just for free.
These guys are gonna take some swings now. Two of them are going for Ricky. One of them hits you, Ricky, for six points of damage. Okay, I'm still at seven. Let's see, six of these guys.
Cool. One of them's gonna take a swing at you, Pete. Misses. Three of them are gonna take swings on Kingston. Actually, two of them take swings on Kingston. Miss, I'm gonna need you to roll a dexterity saving throw. Ooh, nat one. You take five points of frost damage. It's one of them belches peppermint at you. Two takes, one of them takes a swing at Kugrash. Misses. Kug, I'm coming for you.
Give me a dex save. Wait, Kug is down? No, no, no, no, I'm dex save. Oh, dex save, nice.
Oh, but I'm proficient. Oh, no, I'm not proficient at that.
Just nine. You take eight points of cold. I'm so hurt, I'm at two. Down to 20. Okay. Down to 20? Down to 20.
Yeah, these, Santa's like clobbering you, Kingston, they're slashing you with tentacles. You see that Santa looks at these clones as he's like sort of sitting in your lap. And you see that he looks at these two right around Ricky, and you see he says, this, and you see just like bloods coming from his head. He has like incisions in his stomach and his coats torn where something like laid eggs in him. And you see he goes, well, this simply won't do it all.
You two, get in the bag. And opens the bag up. You see that these two Santa's are sucked into his bag and are just gone. So he says, some things are better left in the bag.
That's gonna be so funny. Okay, I'm gonna gently place Santa down. And then I wanna run, actually maybe I'll keep him in my arms as I run. Yeah, sure, you carry Santa. I carry Santa, I wanna shove myself in between Kug and these two guys.
Okay, cool. Can I do that? Yeah, you can actually make like a shove attack if you wanna make an opposed athletics with one. Hey, I'm walking here. Yeah, okay, well, would that be, like I can't do like a regular attack on them then if I do that? Well, you have plenty of attacks. Okay, yeah. You take your attacks and athletics to push them away and then take your other attacks. Okay, cool, so I'll make an athletics to push them away.
You gotta beat a 14. I got a 14 and then I'm adding six to it, so 20. You just roundhouse this guy and knock him back five feet.
You get in between Kugrash, you're still holding Santa. You see that Santa goes like, yes, you are a gifted martial artist. Well, you know, cardio kickboxing has its benefits more than just for the nice glutes.
She needs shoes, Santa. She's got shoes.
Let's go back. And then I'm gonna attack the other one that I didn't. Go for it.
No, I think you used that. All right. But you got that guy away from Kugrash. That's gonna be Pete. Cool. Oh, with Wild Magic Surge, did you want me to roll the D? I actually rolled that over here. Oh, cool, cool. Okay, great. Okay, I don't know. I could do Sleeper. You got those three points, man. Yeah, yeah, true. Okay, yeah. I'm gonna do... It sucks that they blow up when you kill them. Yeah, fully. Um, man, I don't know.
I guess I'll cast Sleep some more and try to affect more people with it. Yeah, you see there's some injured ones around, yeah, for sure. Go ahead, you can cast Sleep again. Go for it, roll five to eight. Cool, and then I can, can I use those sorcery points to add more to the sleep thing, or do you think that's...
You can do the sorcery points. What I would say actually also is that you know these guys are hurt by fire a lot, so Fire Bolt's not a bad idea either, they just wanna keep using it again. Or Scorching Ray. Scorching Ray's out, because I already used my second level spell. But you can use your sorcery points to turn them into a spell.
Exactly. Hey, you know what? We got there.
I use a sorcerer, oh no, sorry, I use two. You have to actually use all three of your sorcery points to be able to do that. Cool, yeah, then I'm gonna do Scorching Ray, I can do... Three attacks with that.
Yeah, okay, so for the first one, 16. Next one, 13, with the six is 19. Yeah, 17.
All of them hit, roll two D6. And let me know which ones you're attacking.
Okay, there's one right in front of me, right? Yeah. All right, get him for six. Not down, but badly, badly injured. Okay, so no, probably another one, I don't know. Another one will do it, yeah. Ah, but he's gonna, whatever. Eight. That'll do it. Sweet. And then the final one, I'll aim it at this one, I guess. Cool, hell yeah. Pile him up.
Come on, two sixes, come on. Ah, six and a two, eight. Eight.
You see badly, badly injured, that one by Kingston. Goes, ugh! As you pull onto this weird nightmarish thing. You see that again, your arm opens up into tatters for fire to come out of the center of you blasting out of your arm. Rude.
That's going to now be Misty. I'm gonna turn, I'm gonna come over here and cast Cure Wounds on Kugrash.
Thank you so much. Awesome. And is your unicorn totem still up? Yes.
Oh, sorry, that doesn't do it yet. She'd do it, but that's only if I do it.
That's nine points, and then I look at you and I try to find something on you that I can compliment, and I'm just like, you. Just look at you with still red eyes.
You seem very nice. Thanks so much. And I give him that again for eight. You seem nice. I shake hands on it. Kugrash, after that lovely compliment, that's gonna be your turn.
Awesome, okay. I wanna do, I wanna hit as many guys as possible, so I might take an opportunity attack here from this one guy. So I wanna do Thunder Wave, which is a cube originating from me, so I need to get away if I don't wanna hit my friend, so I'm gonna take a hit from this guy. So one, two, over here. Cool. Or four, I wanna hit these three guys. Dope, awesome. So they make dex saves. Rad, the one guy misses you.
I think Thunder Wave, my understanding is that the cube is a 15-foot cube originating from you, meaning you're in the center, right? Or is it? Yeah. Or would that be, that would be a five-foot radius, I guess, right? It's from self. So can you put the cube wherever you want? I think it's from me. No, it's from self. So I think it only affects people within five feet of you.
Okay, so then I'll just go back here and get these two. Cool. Awesome, go ahead and roll your damage. Sweet. Eight.
You see that the one that was injured by Pete is blown away. This guy is fully knocked.
What direction do you want this guy to go flying? 10 feet. Let's send him that way. Send him my way.
Blown back, Pete's is gone. I light up a dirty puddle.
It smells like, just sizzling. You can tell you like it. I don't like it, it's just, we live in a shit city. You're smiling, you're smiling. I feel like you're taking extra sniffs of it. You wanna know how it smells, you're curious. Kingston, it's gonna be you.
Cool, I mean, we seem to just be chilling. Everyone seems to be doing fine.
Hell, let me get in on this action. I'll Sacred Flame the dude who seems to be almost there. Go for it, man. Go ahead and roll your attack roll. Well, I think you just make a dexterity saving throw for them. Ooh, very fun. So yeah, Sacred Flame. Oh, dexterity saving throw, yes.
They succeed, or they take one DA. He fails.
Hell, yes. Great. With joy. Seven.
Rad. That's going to be Ricky. How hurt?
I guess I should just kill the one next to you, right? Just kill some guys. I'm just gonna run up to the one next to Kingston and just attack it. Hell yeah, go ahead and roll attack. Fun, just punch it big.
Only got a 11. 11 actually hits. That's a 12.
Hell yeah. It's the brittle kind again? Yes.
Do certain ones hurt us when they explode or not? Yes, certain of them hurt you when they explode.
Good thing we picked up on that now. Yeah. Cool, that one is not down yet. But you thud your axe into the side of it. That's going to be this guy now. Paper bum. You see, yeah, this dude opens up for peppermint breath.
I need dex saves from Sophie and Misty. Evan, does that save or do I need to find that out? I'm gonna use my Bardic Inspiration.
Go for it. Oh, you make it. You each take two cold damage. You, Misty Moore is right behind you. You could, that one could go wrong. You, it's a real celebrity.
Wait, how many points of damage was that? Two. So I'm on 13.
These guys are about down for the count. You see Santa looks at the two next to you, Sophie. Once again, you see he says, my, what impressive people. And then he looks again at these two and goes, back where you came from, the bag. So they disappear into the bag.
That's going to be, and then Sophie, that's you. All right, only one guy left, right? That's right. All right, I'm going at him.
Have you put down Santa yet? Nope, me and Santa are going. Actually, can I take and go Santa first with the bag and we just try and trap him with the bag? Yes, absolutely. So I'm gonna say, Santa, get the bag out.
Go ahead and make an opposed acrobatics check. You gotta beat a 17. I did.
You see that you just hug Santa into the air and he goes, shabam! And he puts the bag over this one. That one is fully gone. And Times Square has been cleared of mutant Santa Claus. Yeah!
Just a bunch of dead people now. Just a bunch of dead people who have been fully, fully killed.
You see that Santa looks over at you guys and says, well, what happened here? Someone laid eggs in you. Yeah. What's going on? Oh my God. All right, Santa. You look and see a bunch, he's holding kind of see-through gel eggs that have a bunch of little tadpoles with Santa hats on them. Oh my God.
Well, this is very bad, very, very bad. Who did this to you? Do you know? I don't remember much.
We were accosted by, well, I had to come here to deposit my clones. Not all of them. Most of the, again, the vast 99.9% of the clones turn out fine. But the defective ones had to be brought here to be deposited within the sphere of the Umbral Arcana so that it would not raise suspicion and I landed the sleigh near Belvedere Castle in the park and before I knew it, something happened. Some of the clones that I was pouring out of the bag, they acted up. Normally the clones are very, oh, they'll vandalize things or they'll explode or other things like that, but they're not generally this harmful.
I don't know what's happened this time. Something knocked me unconscious.
Something attacked me in the sleigh. Where's my sleigh? It's still in the park.
Covered in some fancy script. He sort of looks like this. Well, this is very strange indeed.
I need to go to my sleigh at once. By the way, hello, I am Santa Claus. Good to see you again, Santa. Hi, Santa.
Big fan, big fan of your work.
What kind of bag is that? It's a magic bag, bigger on the inside than the out and it contains many things which should not see the light of day.
Okay. Hi. Okay. Well hello, young man, what is your name?
Jeffrey. Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey.
I don't think that's true. I should probably get out of here, you guys. Why are you lying to Santa? I panicked, man. You never say your real name.
So all of you guys here in Times Square, you look around, there are dead bodies, peppermint blood everywhere, the horrifying Santa's killed. There's still that one sleeping mutant Santa and the twitching carapace, you know, larval body of the Santa clone queen. Santa looks around at you guys and says, something very strange is happening here.
But then again, it's New York City. I wouldn't expect anything less. Greatest city in the world!
You're hilarious, Santa. Oh, this guy gets me.
How you doing, Kugrash? Good, good to see you. Kugrash, wonderful, huge fan of your work. Huge fan of your work. You're doing incredible, my god.
Are you kidding? What you do is change lives. Can I ask a question? Yeah. Have you ever considered doing a Christmas album? I don't want to push the idea.
You know, I've really been thinking about it because you know, between you and me, they sell like wildfire. They sell like crazy. A very misty Christmas.
I'm doing it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.
I don't buy that so fast. I'm sick of my Josh Groban one.
You know, I do love Josh. He's a good sweet boy.
I know, but I've listened to it so many times. I get it. I understand. Kingston.
Good to see you, Santa. Good to see you. You have to come by.
I need to take those eggs out of you. Oh, I am filled with eggs. You're filled with eggs.
You come by whenever you've got a chance. I should get up to the sleigh, but maybe after the sleigh, we'll head over to the hospital.
Great, great. I do appreciate it. I also have a weird, it's not a mole, but it's basically just, I don't know. I'll take a look at it. I appreciate it.
It looks like you've got an egg on your back. There's another egg. Oh, it's just a big brown egg. Santa, can I have an egg? What's that? Can I have an egg? Santa, don't give this boy an egg. I just wanna see the egg. You don't need an egg.
She says, well, you've been a very good little boy. Reaches into the sack and pulls out a beautiful little like Christmasy nutcracker Faberge egg. That's for you. Oh, cool. Fancy egg. A very fancy egg for a very not fancy boy. But a good boy nonetheless. Ricky.
Hi, Santa. We haven't met before, but you don't seem that phased that I'm here. Yeah, it just seems fine. You're told when you're a child, Santa's coming, so. I've just known about you for a long time. Has there not been a dip for you as an adult where there was a period of time where you thought I, I am real, but are you saying that you haven't had any time where you didn't think I was real? No. I pretty much, I've always believed in you. It would be crazy if you weren't real because you were such a good person.
Yeah. You see he looks at you and says, Sophie, you are welcome at the North Pole any time you'd like to come. Oh, I love to travel, I'll be up. Absolutely. Now, I know how I can find out your name. Let's head up to, would you mind showing me to where my sleigh is? Yeah, absolutely. Very well. Here we go.
And you guys are whisked away on snowy wind. Santa goes, I can also change all of your size as well. You know, for chimneys and the like, but also for fun. Maybe even smaller. I'll make you, I'll make us all so small. You guys all shrink.
Did you just do it on my waist, you know? I can't spot it like that, but that'd be nice. You know, Santa's got a little bit of a gut here too. I've- Hey, you know, lived in. Honestly, Mrs. Sproz likes it. I'm not surprised.
You guys are so tiny. The giant snow, the snowflakes are like these skyscraper-sized structures around you. And so you go, ho, ho, ho, yes, Christmas magic! You guys arrive in Central Park.
You see that the sleigh is still there. There are now a lot of cops around here. It's been like cordoned up as like a crime scene. You see, Pete, again, this like wispy shadow fire stuff over the sleigh as a bunch of humans are kind of like looking at it. And you see that one of the cops are looking at it and says, looks like somebody took their Camry and drove it all the way through the park and crashed it over here into this tree. It's crazy drug drivers, man, it's nuts. Car like this, I don't think they got it this far. And you see that all the cops looking at the sleigh appear to be seeing a Toyota Camry.
Kug, would I have seen a Toyota Camry in the past? Have you seen a, oh, before you? Like the cops?
Like ever since I started hanging out with you, I've been seeing a lot of crazy. I thought you weren't real, and then you introduced me to all your friends, and I've been seeing crazy. So I'm saying, was I on the other side? Yeah, you would have seen this as a Toyota Camry a couple days ago, I would think, when you weren't drunk. I think I go up to Santa and say, thanks so much for all your help.
I can't be around this many cops, though. And I go to shake your hand, but I press like a bag of cocaine into your hand. What is, a little bit of magic snow. I know you gotta stay up all night, so. Oh, this is cocaine. I can't take this.
No, no, no, hey, it's free. It is on credit, but it's free.
So next time you see me, then maybe you can get me back, you know, don't worry. Well, I appreciate the offer, but I am a spirit for children, and I shouldn't have cocaine. Oh, so you want, what, 2CB? I got stuff that makes you up, but you get it. Pete, your soul is in jeopardy. What? I am not going to lie. I need to find something.
You see that Santa moves, you see he just, just turns into a little whirlwind of snow, moves past the cops. You guys see that there is one police officer that recognizes you guys and starts to walk over to you. There's a group of people kind of gathered around, it's like onlookers and people like that. Pete and Sophie, you guys are looking at like a Central Park horse cop for a second, and then that shadowy stuff kind of peels off and a full centaur. She walks up to you, she's got like the cop uniform and like the helmet, stern, strong looking face, walks up and says, Nurse Brown, good to see you.
Epona, good to see you. Yeah, how's it going?
You guys know anything about this? I don't know nothing. We think Pixie's. Who's this kid?
It's Jeffrey. That's Jeffrey.
Hey, Jeff, you wanna say hi to my horse? I do love horses, actually, yeah.
Make a deception check for me real quick.
13. Oh, a lot, 19. Oh, 19.
Yeah, she kind of narrows her eyes and looks at you, looks back at the rest of you and sort of pipes down and says, any idea what happened here? You know, Santa was knocked out, saw some Pixie stuff around here. Yeah, but it was weird Pixie stuff. I think that maybe it was somebody trying to cover up and make it look like it was Pixie's.
Because underneath it was infernal. Infernal, you're not kidding.
You guys have any more of this sort of evidence anywhere or anything we could take a look at? Didn't you bite the glyph off the glove box? Yeah, I got that.
I mean, aren't some of us like covered in goo? Yeah, you guys are covered in goo.
You could just kind of take a cotton swab to me. You see she nods, takes a little forensics kit, swabs you guys, looks at the glyph and says, all right, I'm gonna enter this into the evidence. All right with you? Takes the glyph.
You see that she looks over at Santa coming back from the sleigh. See that she sort of salutes to Santa as he approaches. He comes back and says, it's gone. What's gone Santa? His sleigh?
My list. Like your good and bad list?
Sounds like somebody's been very naughty indeed. It was in the glove box of the sleigh.
Can you just make a new list? Yeah, is it really that important? What do people do with the list? Make a new list. You know how much work goes into making that list? It's a magic list.
So presumably if someone had access to that list, they would know who the bad people were, thus the corruptible souls? Souls. Do you know?
Am I on the bad list? No, you are not on the bad list.
Santa, what are we talking about man? Like are you, like what could somebody do?
How powerful is this list? It's extremely important that we find this list and get it back. Have you thought about maybe just for the future as one old fella to another, maybe you digitize the list with some kind of- I'm not digitizing the shop. If you put the list on the cloud.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's almost easy to know.
My cousins helped me do it and I've been very thankful since. Just for next year. I need to get back to the North Pole, this is quite bad. A nice list or something that we work very hard on at the North Pole.
And it's actually so well done and well kept that I was reached out to by some other entities to sort of use the list, not the physical list, which is very important that I have on me. But well, you know, basically St. Peter reached out to me and said that it was crazy for him to keep his book and me to keep the list at the same time and that it would be better to just sort of consolidate that effort. And I got reached out to by a downstairs fellow as well. So heaven and hell have kind of been using my list for- Santa.
A while. Are you Cambridge Analytica? A prescient commentary, yes, I am that. That's bad. Seems like they could just keep their own lists. You would think that, wouldn't you? Yeah. So they already had it?
No, no, no, I mean heaven and hell have been using my list for their bookkeeping purposes as well. Because we were basically making a bunch of versions of the same list. Hell has to keep a record of everyone's good and bad and heaven has to keep a record of everyone's good and bad. So you're saying that someone could maybe use that to get out of hell or something like that? Or like if you didn't have the list?
I should go, I should really get out of here. Can we go to the hospital? Sure. Okay.
Well- Does that list have the kind of power that if you wrote someone's name that it could change? You could change their status? I don't think just anybody could write on that list.
What's a powerful magic user? The type that could take down Santa and destroy his sleigh and scatter his reindeer to the wind, I guess. I need Pete to, that very last spell that you cast, I need you to roll a wild magic surge for me real quick.
Five. Five, good, nothing happens.
You feel a welling up of magical energy as all is, your world was normal yesterday, or as normal as your life ever got. And you feel this welling up and suddenly, that little gray child's face appears in your vision again and says, heed the words of Lazarus, and disappears.
Well, suffice it to say this is very bad. I have much work, I'm already behind schedule. I've been here longer than I should have.
Kingston, we can go to the hospital if you want, or if, there is work that needs to be done at the North Pole that I should get back for. So he goes and does this loud whistle, and you see that a bunch of the flying reindeer come back and you see that there's land in the park. He begins to hitch them back up to the sleigh and looks over at you guys and says, I need to go back to the North Pole and tell people what has happened.
Yeah, again, man, maybe just get a phone. Oh, Misty, what a dry wit. I could do that. Get with the times.
You know, I just like the aesthetic of the analog stuff. I just feel it's more in keeping with the...
Who knew Santa was such a hipster, am I right? Well, I'm just saying, who wants to go to the North Pole and see a bunch of elves with iPads, you know? Not I. Who's going to the North Pole?
Nobody.
I thought I was invited. Oh, so you are invited. That's awesome.
I'd probably maybe April break. Great, April's not a busy time for us. Yeah. The elves are, of course, busy, but me and the deer only really want to go and hang out with the elves.
All right, you've all been wonderful. Happy holidays. I wish you all the best.
If you hear anything about that list, the fate of the world may depend on it, but I might be, I don't know. I don't really know, but I'm going to figure it out.
Take care. You sure you don't want to tell me your name? Yeah, my name's Pete. I will say that there has been this dark force inviting me, and I think I, I think it said to me, I leave today this morning. That sounds like something you all should check out. Farewell! On guard, sir, on guard, sir, on guard, sir, on Blitzen!
You see they take off. You see that a bunch of the human cops look as this weird thing of shadow trails after the sleigh. They all look as the sleigh just disappears, and they all stare at it for a long time, and they all go, yep, I guess that tow truck just got the Camry off to the impound. Good, good, good, good, and they all start to walk away.
So embarrassing, I used to live like that. Epona looks at you guys and says, any of you all need a hand with anything, or you all all right?
You got a bottle opener? See, she says, bottle opener? No, I don't have a bottle opener.
That's fine, I'll use my teeth. Can't have open containers, don't do it, man. We're magic. How about that magic aura hides my mice hard lemonade and I open it with my teeth? Be careful.
Okay, I'm gonna have to give you a ticket for that. Really? Open container in Central Park? I might be a centaur, but sometimes rules are rules. All right, I'll take the ticket. Get open and ready for the cop, what are you doing?
And that's where we're gonna end for this episode of The Unsleeping City. Tune in next week, we'll see you guys there. That's it for this chapter of Dimension 20. But wait, what harkens on the wind? Speak to me, bird. More full episodes of Dropout.tv's on Dimension 20 available with a free trial that you can sign up for today. Hopefully our viewers are brave enough to answer the call. There he goes. I think you'll find it easier around here if you just start to tell the truth. Tell him, Misty. |
dropout | Is_Sesame_Street_s_Count_von_Count_a_Real_Vampire | Count Von Count is a vampire-like resident of Sesame Street who loves counting numbers. On the show, we've seen him count as low as one and as high as 20. The Count also loves bats and can even turn into one.
Yes, Iffy. Um, actually. Yeah.
The Count is just the Count. It's not the Count Von Count. No, his full name is Count Von Count. Oh, wow, you never told me that. Ivan.
Um, actually, I don't think the Count can turn into a bat. The Count can turn into a bat, yeah. Yeah, it's one of those deals where his head remains the same and he's got a little bat body, I think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Does it play by? Yeah.
Um, actually, he is a vampire. He's not a vampire-like. Now, Caldwell, I'm so glad you said this. This isn't the right answer, but I need you to understand how long an argument Saltzman and I had about this, because here's the thing. Clearly, he's a fucking vampire. He's got teeth, he turns into a bat, right? But some like Sesame Street, like, books and things where you say, like, he's a vampire, and there are others that are like, he's vampire-like. He's not a vampire. What books are saying he's vampire-like? That's introducing a hyphen into a children's book. That's- I need to understand how deep we got into this and being like, is he a vampire or is he not a vampire? To the point where I emailed a friend of mine who works at Sesame Street and was like, I need you to tell me, is the Count a vampire or not? And her response was, according to the style guide, he is vampire-like. That does not, I don't know, because like a vampire is still vampire-like. Exactly. I would say it's like Benicula rules, where like, Benicula is a rabbit that sucks the juice out of vegetables. The Count counts, and that is how he gets his energy from some sort of mathematical force. He's like an energy vampire. So I would say this is vampire-like is the accepted phrasing from Sesame Workshop, and also a vampire is still vampire-like. There's no way where it says explicitly, yes, he's a vampire, he's definitely a vampire. However, there is somewhere where it says he is explicitly not a vampire in an internal Sesame Street style guide.
But I will point out, Sultan was unable to produce an image, a legible image of this document. It's an internal document. It's an archive in New York.
I can't fucking get it. Look, hey, I'm actually fans. You work for Sesame Street? Go ahead and get the style guide. Get on Twitter, go, go, go.
No points for this one, Baron. The answer we're looking for is that he's counted as low as zero before. Zero has been a number that has been the counts, like this is my number of the day. We're counting to zero. |
dropout | every_dumb_start_up_ever | Oh man, where do I start? You gotta go to the bowl store. That awkward bowl showroom. Holding the bowls, I, I don't even, wait, sorry, bowls? Like, like bowls?
No way! Thank you, this is really good. The regular way of shopping for bowls is really fine for me, I don't. This is gonna change everything.
I got the idea in college. I was always going to these parties and there were no bowls. I remember asking once where the bowls were and somebody pointed me towards the weed and I said, it's not the kind of bowl I mean. I mean for snacks. And they pointed me towards an open bag of chips and I said, but why aren't they in a bowl? And the person just walked away. Or if there were bowls, they were just regular bowls from the store, not from the internet.
That's when I got the idea for oyster and toot. This is great. I guess I'd put cereal in here or I'll put soup in it and I don't know, maybe salsa? What else do people put in bowl salsa? Oh, that's seriously deep.
We built our company to be different. Complete vertical bowl integration. You go on our website, you pick your bowl and we send it directly to you. No middlemen. Bobby Moynihan, the comedy guy. He started a bowl company for the internet. If you're not sure what bowl to buy, you can upload a picture of yourself and see how you would look interacting with our bowls. And you can find your perfect bowl by filling out our bowl profile. The guesswork is completely taken out of bowl shock. Like at a regular store, you can hold the bowl in your hand, you know? Like not everything has to be online, right? Human beings have a wonderful tradition of food and feeding each other and sharing. And that's what bowls are about. That's what I want to celebrate with this company.
When you think about it, we're all connected. We're all one.
It's an online store for bowls. If you sign up for a subscription, we will send you a new bowl every month and charge your card for the $45. You can cancel any time. If your bowl doesn't fit, just send it back.
Fit what though? Fit what?
The best part is for every bowl we sell, we will donate a bowl to a part of the world where they need bowls. I feel like I'm doing something good for the planet, you know? Those big bowl companies, they'd never do something like this. I'll just give money to a charity separately. I mean, these things can be separate. These are cool. I love bowls. I started a bowl company after acting for years.
Sorry, did he say $45? Oh, then no thank you. Thanks for watching.
I'm Bobby Moynihan. Check out my new comedy, Me, Myself and I, premiering Monday, September 25th on CBS. Just click this button here. |
dropout | keeping_up_with_the_lannisters | It's my name day, so my Uncle Tyrion decided to surprise me by inviting a few of my lady friends over. Oh my god, Joffrey! Happy birthday!
Want me to, like, get your back? No! Do her first. You might say that I was the diva of the family. Not my face, of course. I'd have your tongue cut out for that. Now, hitter with this. Right? Do it!
The men must be at their posts, or we risk losing the element of surprise. My dad is a total control freak, sir. Your grandson's surprise party is in excellent hands. Ari, why don't you show Mr. Lannister the cake you baked? Bonfetti. Excellent.
I know you, don't I? Ari? Hmm? I am freaking out right now. Didn't you used to work at the In-N-Out near the airport?
Speeding on the 101. Driving while intoxicated.
Is that a prostitute? Step out of the car, sir. Officer Williams, is it? It is. Do you like women, Officer Williams? Well, women like money. And I happen to have a lot of it. Care to make a deal, Officer Williams?
Make haste! The time for advertisers is upon us. Go, go, go, go, go! It's time for the party, and things are crazy. We have so much to do. We barely have enough time to enjoy sex.
It. To enjoy it. Right, right. It. The party.
Shmear not vice. Yes. Very good. Tell me, bro, do you like being iced? It's pretty funny, I guess. Very well. Ice him! You know it's so sugary. There's people doing it in here. Oh, dear.
The things I do for love. Next time on Keeping Up With The Lannisters. The behavior of this family is unacceptable. Drunk. Spoiled fornicators. That's why I have made up this chore list. What? We're all going to learn to act like a normal family.
No! Dishes!
Of course, that means we won't need the servants anymore. Execute them. |
cracked | 14_movie_special_effects_you_won_t_believe_weren_t_cgi_cracked_field_trip | Yeah. What? Oh. Here's the wolf predator. And here's for aliens. Because this is how it is now. It's what happens to all the facts. Thank you guys for showing up in long pants. Oh. It looks professional. Hi.
Open you guys up. Yeah. Am I sitting too far apart from Tom? Should we be? Um, I think it's pretty good. Yeah. But you're the guy that has absolutely no experience. Yeah.
It's a dinosaur. One of the sort of myths about Jurassic Park is that it was primarily digital. When Stan Winston was alive, he sat with a stopwatch and timed the film. And I believe it was 11 minutes of dinosaurs. And the breakdown was something about like four minutes of CGI.
And the rest was practical. Movie business is a sales business. So you're going to promote the newest, sexiest technology. And that was the digital technology. And it was amazing. We're going to make a fortune with this place.
We were both very disheartened with what happened on the prequel to the thing. Because that is an animatronic creature effects artist dreamed to be tapped to come back in. Because we showed up on set with, I have to say, pretty cool stuff. The idea was, we'll do this much of it. And CGI will add tentacles or legs. And it just became, CGI became the thing, the monster that overtook all of her practical stuff. We think that what you get from a real creature is the fact that it exists in the light with the other actors.
It's a tactile thing. It's an actual real object. It can also give a benchmark for the digital artist to match to. The digital queen in ABP looks great, in part because we had a real queen there.
More drool! More and more drool!
The reason Weta does such great digital character work is that they also have their foot in practical effects. So they don't necessarily see a competition between the two. They'll actually build heads that they then scan and they examine and all that. So they really are looking at the practical effect as a necessary asset towards creating the digital effect.
And their eyes are so fantastic. Weta's eyes are so fantastic.
Sir Peter Jackson, the Fellowship of the Ring, has relatively few digital effect shots.
Back when we had enough work and we had enough paying jobs coming in, we were able to push a certain amount of money into research and developing things. At the end of a film we might say, you know what, what's cool about this movie? There's material and there's technique and let's just spend a couple weeks and play around and see where we can go. Try something different. And since the mid-90s, which is really around the time when CGI really kind of became the tool of choice for everybody straight across the board, we didn't have the necessary budget to put into finding the next big thing.
There's also a misconception that I see pop up. People assume we have more control than we actually do. They don't really understand the scrutiny that the work is under.
And in the case of a marvel, any comic book hero, you have not only the director weighing in, but you have the studio. And then you also have the company like a marvel who owns it.
Like you just said you liked the design of the Predailey. It is good design. It's a solid design, right? The story of that design is that we went through many, many iterations.
We finally settled on one that pleased not only, you know, the several executive producers at Fox, but the two co-directors. And then we did a maquette of it and we sent it over to Fox for them to look at and just peruse.
And a 14-year-old kid happened to be there visiting the studio. One of the producers said, hey, kid, you're the demographic. Come in here. Look at this. And based on that kid's reaction, we have to make last-minute changes to the design.
They don't come from the same world that we come from. They didn't spend their lives growing up loving monsters and living monsters and breathing monsters.
And that's where things start to somewhat go awry. Ruining the creatures. I know that's what some of you are thinking. Ruining the alien, did we? There are people out there who have named what we did on Alien Resurrection the, quote, beast look. And they go on to say that we ruined the creature, et cetera, et cetera.
And I think one of the things that people don't stop to think about is there's a need to service every script, to service plot points in every script. And one of the plot points in that script was that all of these aliens were created by Ripley's DNA. So the director specifically requested that our alien not be as biomechanical, that it be softened so that there's some human DNA aspect to it. Foolishly made the director happy instead of those 14 guys out there on the interwebs who are still complaining about Alien Resurrection.
The downside of the animatronic stuff is that generally you have to do more pre-planning. You can't sort of wing it on set as easily. You've got cables coming out or you've got six people that have to be moved and so on. And of course, Paul Verhoeven is very much a stickler. He wants everything to be exactly perfect.
So you shoot, if you have to shoot 50 times, I don't give a shit. A hundred times, I don't care.
And that, in some instances, is perceived as too big a limitation to be worth it. It was really telling on the prequel to The Thing. We came up with this one character who's going to split open and become another version of The Thing. And it starts off with him sitting in a helicopter and he's getting sick and blood, you know, all the things leading up, little steps leading up. Then he suddenly stands up and he erupts. And we had this idea of wanting to do it all in camera, or most of it in camera, and augment it by adding more tentacles on. So I'm putting it on and it's all in front of me. And if I turn sideways, you would see my head and then you see the head sticking out here. But if not, it's like a stage illusion.
We tested it on video and it looked great. We got great, great response back. The VFX people came over and wanted to check it out in our shop. And they stood in front and said, yeah, it looks great.
And they kept doing this. They kept going to the side going, ah, but here, you know, it doesn't work. And here it doesn't work.
The willingness to commit to a way of shooting something, to make it as effective as possible, has been challenged and underlined. We can't ever take the position that one art is universally better than the other. We're in a position right now where our art is being tamped down and suppressed by the studio thinking, the corporate logic, right? So we would never want to just flip that paradigm and say, and now practical effects are now suppressing all digit. That would be silly. As filmmakers, who would want that? We don't. So we do promote the blend of the two techniques because CGI is every bit as artistic as practical effects. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Frosty_Reception_A_Ripple_Effect_A_Stoner_Uncle_More_January_28 | G'day Errol. G'day Clancy.
Not too bad mate, not too bad, I'm doing alright, the weather's alright, it's surviving corona. Yeah, you know, it's good to be a survivor of this so-called pandemic, I mean, I feel much more powerful for having lived through it. I think I got the delta though, so that would make my antibodies vastly superior to yours. Yeah, I think I'm just doing an Omicron drop, but what about you Wendell, you still avoided this fucking thing. Still going strong another week, I thought I may have jinxed myself last week on the bulletin, but I'm still standing, unless potentially I've been asymptomatic, I mean we can't get rats and PCRs, the 8 hour wait around here, so maybe I've just been asymptomatic the whole time and I've had it, but either way, I'm still pretty happy. Good mate, good mate, what's in the news this week?
Well one of the biggest stories that broke this week was about a woman facing backlash for not pretending that everything is okay. Yes, a treasonous Tasmanian woman was met with a wave of criticism from some of Australia's brightest Liberal Party bootlickers after refusing to hide her honest emotions to appease the ego of a man who thinks he is in a position of power over her. As you would have probably seen, former Australian of the Year Grace Tame rolled into her last ever morning tea as that awards recipient on Wednesday and refused to play along with the niceties of politics. Which did not impress a range of fragile male journalists and Liberal Party figures who seemed to believe that women should not only be seen and unheard, but be seen to smile. They hid out at Tame for not doing that and not pretending that she enjoyed the company of a man who told parliament that Australia's women's safety protesters were lucky not to be met with bullets while protesting in Canberra last year. Yeah, that sentiment was probably best summed up by Murdoch shill Peter van Onselen who said she was ungracious, rude and childish, refusing to smile for the cameras, barely acknowledging his existence when standing next to him. He was very angry and there was lots of stuff like that, obviously our politicians would never be childish, ungracious and rude, so a fair point there.
Well, Peter is the head of a household and that's a five bedroom house in Vaucluse on Sydney Harbour, so I guess he's used to having his ducks in a row, Peter. Geez, they pay better for fucking journalism out in the east, don't they? Something's not right there Clancy, but moving along.
Now one of the other biggest stories this week, we go overseas for it, and inspired by Australia Day, the Irish have hosted their first ever celebration of the British arrival. Yeah, it certainly got the rest of the world asking quite, what's in your head? Because despite their long history of all out war to low level war against the Brits, the Irish are now getting together to have a national day commemorating the British arrival on their shores. And it's apparently come off the back of our very own Australia Day celebrations that take place on the anniversary of the British invasion of the Aboriginal Eora nation in modern day Botany Bay, after seeing how we operate. The Irish have said they think it's time to act like a grown up country and treat English imperialism the way Aussies do, as a good opportunity to get pissed and play music. Well Clancy, you can certainly tell that you got your Arts degree out of a cornflakes box because the 26th of January commemorates the arrival of the first fleet at Sydney Cove. I don't know where they fucking invaded first mate, though it does sound like it was an awful day to be a pint of Guinness over there in Ireland.
Some music news now, and a stoner uncle who refers to Triple J as the J's, has revealed that he is not too impressed by the Wiggles. Yes, music fans love to argue don't they Wendell? And as usual there's a bit of controversy around the winner of the hottest 100. One local legend of yesteryear, Mickey Big Yarnwood, let his nieces and nephews know that he was not a big fan of the Wiggles winning, and has taken the song's number one spot in the countdown like a harpoon to his aging whale heart.
Poetic. Jebediah even. Like a harpoon in my heart.
Although once a lover of contemporary music, Yarnwood is a strong believer that music peaked in the 1990s, probably around the time Jebediah released that album, and that this week's winning song is just another supporting piece of evidence to the fact. A bit of song this week on our bulletin, and Yarnwood did say it was a sad indictment on the state of modern music if a children's band doing a cover of some song was the best tune to come out of 2021, before launching into a rant about how much better festivals were in his day. Sounds like the Pingas were better in your day Yarnwood. I think they probably were, now Glenn Minnett did actually echo Yarnwood's sentiment coming out and saying remember when the J's played good bands like the cockroaches.
Very clever. Finance now, and a seasoned crypto investor has comforted his friend going through his first share market correction. You wrote this one, Errol. I did mate, and as the world markets and cryptocurrency exchanges continue in both freefall and burning out of control, seasoned digital asset investor in Batutah Heights local Sam Rayford has explained to his power mic that this is just the first of many highs in lows he will experience as an investor. Chuckling to our reporter, he told him that this little correction is nothing compared to what happened when the so-called pandemic first came about, and that you only ever lose when you sell. Sounds like these boys should be listening to the Equity Mates podcast. Or Joe Rogan even. Same thing.
Finishing up in another part of town now, and a group of teachers have pulled together their rats to sell, so they don't have to use their own money to buy classroom supplies anymore. Very clever, this. Members of the South Batutah Public Schools faculty have pulled the wool over the eyes of the principal today and put their combined RATs on the local buy, swap and sell page in an effort to raise enough money to buy basic classroom supplies that are very much needed this year. Yeah, if you aren't connected to a teacher, traditionally classroom supplies are paid for in full by the teacher. Some do manage to get a small amount of support from whatever school they found themselves in, but mostly it comes out of their mortgage repayments or rent money. So that's why these fed up teachers have started flogging their tests for 40 bucks a pop on Facebook. And it is good news for the kids down there at South Batutah, as one of the teachers explained.
Tell you what, my kids will be painting with the finest Eticol dyes, Crayola crayons, Clag glue, they might even get name brand Play-Doh. We will be making face masks from crepe paper. Tell you what, it's much more constructive than reversing over the principal and a dark night in the Coles car park.
Certainly, and... Leave that to the union. That's fun, but who knows. Anyway, that's all we've got for you in this News Wrap. Thanks to your company. Have a good weekend. And we'll talk to you again soon. Hurrah. Mahalo. |
SaturdayNightLive | brittany_murphy_monologue_saturday_night_live | Gentlemen, you resonate Mermaid. real to be here, I, uh, well, I just did this movie called, um, 8 Mile with Eminem. and I just do this. I can't believe this. I've been a fit. Thank you.
I've been a fan of the show since I was a little kid. and I even read this book on Snl. and it was so fascinating. But what it didn't tell you is that there's this whole east coast, west coast comedy war with the cast that I didn't know anything about. did you know you're not going to believe this? Tracy Morgan?
He absolutely will not be in a scene with Chris Parnell. Nah, see, that's a fallacy right there. that ain't even true. it's not even true. I'll do a scene with anybody. So you and Parnell get along? Nah, he's a little bitch. you're calling bitch, bitch. you guys, please don't. please, please.
Ok, apparently the cast members from California have a different style than the cast members from New York and Chicago. yeah, our style is funny. you guys, can you Not do this right now, please? we have a show to do. come on, please. please, let me tell you something. Me and Michael, we'll settle this right now. East Coast, Regulate! rules, you get 45 seconds on the clock, Ok? And a beat, bringing the beat, no swearing, because it's Tv. it's live, babies.
So I'm shaking here. heads or tails? tails always. Ladies first. And you are just our page. scratches, one inches, make the host my bitches. I was somewhere inside of this one on Eroticist.
And D, Chris B, and Cameron D. had a three. kids don't ask and don't tell in with Sir Ian Mckellen. all those low-read characters, you're trying to push. you play Brian Fellow, bitch, I'm President Bush. All right, all right, West Coast. not bad, not bad, not bad. Ok, East Coast, let's show these fools what you got. come on. we're going to take it back to Old school. word up, check it out, check it out, check it out. I said the east coast, the best school holiday in. I said if the west coast acting up, we won't be your friend. I'm Amy B. Tracy, Tracy, I'm not ready for this. come on, rookie, one shot the block. Listen up. here I come, straight out of the East Coast, son. don't lose, I school ya. represent Ucb and the Improv Olympic. my choice is specific, My C-mate is bright and prolific.
I make vicious hits like Tony Serrano, not cheap shins lit like Hockey Romano. hey, babies cry, I hate quit marching porn, I'm chillin'' in St. Bob's with my pimp daddy, Lorne. stop your fooling, I'll skip to for you. my beats are as heavy as Tuna Ray Newman's. Say my name, John Pardo. Amy Poehler. Bad, Check this. Yo, yo, Yo, stop the emotion and turn your devotion to me. I miss a Tv, for as paid for my work, you get paid to look foolish. I was doing so well with Yo, Yo, so don't you forget, it's my name that you know. it's the baddest, the baddest, dope ass host of this show. West Coast, The Beat is formally over. we've got a great show tonight, Nelly is here with Kelly Rowland. |
dropout | Special_Musical_Broadcast_Really_Wails_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Ron Don Johnson. And I'm Lynn My Heady Herdies.
Typically at this hour we'd be bringing you the latest in local news, but tonight we have a very special musical broadcast. That's right. Yes, because we are expert recorder players. See? But what recorder band would be complete without two lead singers? Get buck wild for fashion expert Daisy Dukes. Sup? And sports announcer Tammy Tortellini. Hello! Guys, let's show them what we've been practicing. Oh, there's one on this side. Wow, team, we really wailed.
But sorry to report that I'm leaving the band. I'm starting a dance crew. I'm not just a song man, I'm also a dance man.
And I'm going to. We've discussed this beforehand, right, Tammy? That's right.
And we have a dance we made, right? We sure do. Let's show them our skills. Whoa, keep dancing while we accompany you with more instrumentals.
Wow, everything has been so great. And we live in such a great country. Everyone say one thing you love about America. Wow, the definite thing that I love currently about America is the leadership and the follow through.
This is something that I have to genuinely say that has not been put on the prompter. So what I would say is America has never in its history lived up to the ideals which were imprinted in its founding, but it has the opportunity to do so if Americans work hard to do that, it's not my turn anymore.
Bacon, egg, and cheese.
Betsy Ross. Just Betsy Ross? She had a lot of sewing to do.
That does it for us. I'm about to announce today's loser. While I do, would you underscore me with the star spangled banner on the recorder? Of course. Great. The loser of today's episode is Ryan. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | north_korean_photoshop_tutorial | Hi, I'm Brian O'Neill Hughes, and I'm a Photoshop project manager. As you may have heard on the news, I'm currently a guest of the North Korean government, so while I'm here, I thought I'd give you some tips for touching up publicity photos of a great leader's state funeral. To start, let's use our content-aware fill to expand this crowd a bit. There we go. What an impressive and inspiring turnout. For a peasant! Obviously we'll want to fill out the rest of this. We'll just make this sign just a smidge bigger, and add a few golden chariots. Now let's move into some close-up shots of the crowd.
Okay, these people are going to need to be a lot sadder, so this is where our warp tool comes in. We'll just droop these jowls a bit, okay, just drag this frown down here, and just really make this woman look like a rotting misery pumpkin. We'll take this soft brush here and add in a few tears, and I've gone ahead and done that for the rest of these people as well. Whoop, got a little smudge there. Just take care of that real quick.
Great! Great. Everything's great.
Now, you know, a lot of people don't know this, but Kim Jong-il actually invented Photoshop, and computers, and art. Now here, you'll want to emphasize the natural hero qualities of these brave dignitaries. I've already got a layer set up for this. And there you have it. You know, they just needed a bit of shading. Yeah, I'm getting to that. While we're here, we'll want to replace the foggy sky with a nice view of the great leader's glorious tombstone, which is just obviously the Eiffel Tower. Okay, moving on, here we have Kim Jong-un, the great successor, and due to some sort of traitorous camera error, he's looking like a bit of a chunker, so let's real quick just pinch that in, we'll pull that out, get rid of that baby Ruth, and great. You know what?
He's nine feet tall. Now, what's odd about this photo is that he's not courageously defending the motherland. Usually, he'd be found standing on the necks of his enemies, fighting wild beasts, and receiving oral pleasure from a mermaid. Jean-Claude Van Damme approves.
You wouldn't see that in South Korea. Sorry. False Korea.
Okay, Brian, on your hues, sure, you're a coward, but somewhere inside, he was a man with the strength to finish this. Okay, okay, one final photo. Here's Kim Jong-il's coffin, taken just before Kim Jong-il burst out of it, brought back to life by the sheer force of his dedication to the North Korean people.
And wow, hey, look at this empty spot over here. Man, this would be a great spot for a statue, or a floral arrangement, or maybe a chopper carrying SEAL Team 6 on a mission to save a captured U.S. national. So you know what? If you like this, please contact me at these coordinates. |
cracked | johnny_knoxville_s_kids_won_t_let_him_do_all_the_new_jackass_stunts_he_s_been_dreaming_up | 53-year-old Johnny Knoxville is still regularly coming up with new stunts that would be perfect for a theoretical future Jackass project, but his own family has barred him from ever performing them. Considering the crotch punishment that Knoxville has self-inflicted over the years, he should count his blessings that even has a family. In the most recent and possibly final Jackass movie, the 2022 hit Jackass Forever, Knoxville suffered a brain hemorrhage during the skit The Magic Trick. In the sketch, Knoxville tried and failed to entertain an angry rodeo bull using simple illusions before the beast charged him, flipped him multiple feet into the air, and caused him to land squarely on his head. Now, after 16 concussions and countless other injuries, Knoxville still has room in his damaged brain for coming up with new Jackass stunts. But, as he explained during his appearance on The Tonight Show to Jimmy Fallon, his kids have other plans. Stunts where I'm going to get another concussion. I've had too many concussions. |
dropout | ninja_condoms_condomned_part_2 | So then the bartender says, Robber, I barely know her.
Whoa, look at all these condoms. It's like a latex convention in here. I guess our owner Robby's pretty serious about safe sex.
Times were changing Jimmy. Back in my days condoms were kept secret. People used us but nobody talked about it. We were like ninjas. We only came out when lights went off and that's how we liked it. Well change is a good thing Rusty. Nowadays people need to use us. The more we're used, the safer everyone can be.
Ooh, so like daytime ninjas? What's with you and ninjas?
Anyway, look, I'll show you how much times have changed. Look at all these choices Robby has now. There's Rod, the ribbed condom. Yeah, look at all these ribs. All for her pleasure. Go ahead, feel them.
Eh, maybe next time Rod. Yeah, whatever. Eh, and hey, look, here comes lubricated Larry. Hey everybody, it's another beautiful dude. Oh, my back. Oh, anyway, oh, look, another great example.
Here's Jittery Joe, the vibrating ring. I'm all about her pleasure. Why isn't anyone helping me? Hey Jittery Joe, I'm the only one around here that's for her pleasure.
Whoa, oh, my ribs. Well Jimmy, I guess you were right. It looks like change is a good thing after all. Now I just wish Robby would actually have some sex. It's getting crowded in here. Yeah, I know.
Uh, can somebody get a towel for Larry and Rod? Are you gonna towel me?
No! No, it's so ironic. Ouch, now that's some burnt rubber. |
dropout | failing_a_test | All right folks, you have 20 more minutes and then it's pencils down. Crud. All right, I'll skip this page, but I already skipped this page and half of that one. Jesus. At this point I'm hoping for a 26 with a curve that might be in F plus. I wonder if I could have an extension. No that's for papers.
Or is it? How do you guys know this? Well done. How is that even possible?
She's probably one of those bitches that gets straight A's, but whenever she takes a test, she's all like, totally failed. Oh my god, you're a virus. Is this because I missed a review session? Who wakes up before 1pm on a Thursday?
Okay, time to do the old stretch and peek. Just cracking the old vertebrae. Human beings are pathetic. I should be able to zoom. Whoop. The air is so warm in here. It's like sweaters. Jesus Christ, am I leaking? Why don't they make old spice for your face?
Can you die from restless leg syndrome? People die in weird ways. I was reading about this guy that had a throat problem, so he used an enema to take alcohol rectally, and he passed out and died from two liters of sherry in his butthole.
Whoa, come on, those are not Mississippi's. There's got to be a mnemonic device for this, but I don't know what a mnemonic device is. Alright, plan B, milk the answer out of the professor. For number 3, would it have to be something like this, or more circles? This isn't high school, Mr. Peyong, I can't help you.
Oh, well thank you. fuck you. That's not my fault, your job sucks.
What if I just puked? Yeah, you can't film me if I just straight up barf blast all over my test. Just down the hatch, don't even look.
Ugh!
No, no, no. Pull yourself together. I need a bathroom break. Bathroom break. Um, I need an excuse. I mean, I need an excuse. I need to be excused. Excuse me.
Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison were terrible students, you know, maybe I'm one of those blatant geniuses. They're back. And in like 10 years, I'm going to blossom into a beautiful brain flower.
Or maybe I don't have anything to offer anyone. My fucking parents are going to cut me off. fuck! My friends are all going to believe we're in a recession, Pluto's not a real planet. I'm fucked. My life is over.
Oh. Can I have an extension, please? Oh! |
cracked | cracked_s_holiday_gift_guide_for_people_who_hate_gifts_cracked_responds | Hey everybody! Happy Holidays! Welcome to the Cracked Holiday Gift Guide! We're Cracked and normally, you know, we joke around. This year we want to give you guys like a serious holiday gift guide.
That's the thing. All of us live fast-paced lives, right? You gotta be partying and blogging at the same time. So these are plastic rats that shoot lasers out of them and you put them on your fingers, right? It's a five-pack. You're ready to go.
Ideal for night blogging. You need something to help you blog at night because you're like blogging, blogging. Ow, the sun's down! You need something.
Okay, so my gift from Flick Candles is called Grandma's Last Christmas Tree. Somehow she survived another Christmas. But this one is probably her last.
Is this a suggested gift for Grandma? Yeah. That'd be pretty pointed. My gift are these Dracula lover skeleton statues which are basically these conversation pieces that you can give to your parents, your friends, whatever and it's basically just a skeleton fucking a woman in different positions.
Why would you want to have this conversation? It's home or office decor. You want to say something about your personality to your coworkers or you want some subtle intimidation being like, this is what I'm about. Or you want to get fired. Don't approach me.
My Christmas gift that I found was just, it's called Your Message Written on Boobs. Describe bizarre weird gift right on tits. Gift idea. Wait, so you tell a woman, hey, I like your boobs. No, you don't have to tell her you like your boobs.
I don't have a choice. So my gift that I am suggesting is a major scale musical wine glass set of two from Uncommon Good. That's like the equivalent of selling two spoons and being like, oh, and you can't pick up a picture of me.
Absolutely. It's the song. What we got here, which doesn't seem like a terrible gift, Crayola washable colored bubbles. And then you notice you go down to the customer review section. The caption begins, no, my baby did not slaughter a pig and pull out the heart as sacrifice to the gods. She was playing with this horrible Crayola colored bubble. Happy holidays. From Gwyneth Paltrow's website, Goop. This is. Goop.
It connects us to groovier super-gir 20 foot yurt. Is that a muppet? It's for glamping. Is it just a tent that looks like maybe it was from another country maybe?
Yes, which costs $8,300. A steal. I brought along a gift from Goop. Goop.
We have the pelvic floor exercise tracker. It's a Fitbit for your junk. It's a small, smoothly shaped pod that you slip in just as you would a tampon. This is a sex toy. Yes. But it comes with this thing. Well, no. This is a sex toy. But it's for exercise.
I don't understand who you would get this gift for. To be fair, it could be bladder control. Weird thing to tell your friend or loved one that you're concerned about.
Well, I guess I'm going to have to return a lot of these then. You know you cannot. It is marked very clearly that these items are non-returnable.
So we can go on Amazon, and we can find this cell phone case, mail hands with soap dispenser used in the restroom. So they're sold out, but I feel like we should all be watching, like put this on your wish list, because let's check the reviews. Singular. There is one review. And it's great. It's five stars. If you've been looking for mail hands on Amazon, look no further. I've tried a variety of products, but this is by far the best mail hands for use in the restroom. And this gift speaks for itself.
Pony Up Daddy is a fun saddle that fits your dad just right. Now you can have a pony ride any time, day or night. Don't worry, Mom. You can pony up too.
I like it. Thanks for watching. We crushed it. You're welcome. Do the YouTube stuff. I would wish you a Merry Christmas, but we already know you're going to have one. Yeah. Killed it. |
dropout | the_game_where_two_people_are_secretly_stoned_paranoia | Have you ever shown up for a final exam unprepared because you got too high to study? Two secret stoners will attempt to hide their high through finals week without making it known how absolutely blitz they are.
Through a series of challenges, a group of citizens will try to sniff them out and eliminate them from the game. If the stoners can kill off the citizens one by one and be the last two standing, they win.
This is paranoid. My name is Chad and I'm a light CBD smoker who used to do it a lot and realized it fucked me up so I really do not want to be the stoner. My name is Zach and I smoked weed for like 10 years straight, way too much of it. Tell us what it says. It says stoner.
No. That's so stupid.
Each round the stoners will select a player to eliminate from the game. The other players include three square citizens, a narc who can find out whether a player is stoned, and a medic who can choose one player to protect from elimination. They can even choose themselves as long as it's never twice in a row. Hidden in the group is one poser pretending to be high and taking the heat off the stoners to help them win.
Sorry. Do you have any strategies?
I think people think I'm high a lot so I feel like if I'm just myself.
Oh my god. Do I have to do the whole thing? Go baby. Oh my god, okay. Hello everybody. Thanks for coming to my Eyes Wide Shut party.
Every episode has a theme, today's theme is finals week. All year you guys have slacked off and now the next five days are going to be hell.
Two people at this table are in even deeper trouble because they'll have to do this while high out of their mind. We're going to bring in some snacks for you guys. Oh my god. Two kinds of hot chips.
Kicking off with challenge number one, this is your art class final. You thought it was going to be an easy A, except your teacher is a hard ass abstract contemporary painter who wants everything you turn in to be dripping with symbolism. Draw and share your self-portrait with the class. Is this how you got to be valedictorian? You could just make eye contact with your teacher while writing.
Why are you making a stunt? What? Hey! You all have 30 more seconds. Time! Was that 30 seconds? No!
You're in my house now. I want you to flip your board and tell us about your self-portrait. Here's my self-portrait. It's just like I'm poking out of a hole. Wow, and what does that symbolize in your life? I am in the hole financially, and that's what this symbolizes.
A plus, wow. Paris, you're up. Wow. That's good! That one's gross. This is not me, it's who I aspire to be. Bootsy Collins. Fuck yeah. I drew his sunglasses, but the legs are here because I ran out of space. So I extended them down here. Wow. Great.
This is representing anxiety, but I realize it kind of looks like stink lines. But I like that squid nose. Yeah. That's a really cute one. Very cute. That's what I was talking about. Yeah, I like that squid nose you got.
This is my self-portrait. Pop? So as you can see, lupus is a big part of my life. And so I drew the sun to capture just my pain. And then sand, because I find sand very uncomfortable. So when I was like, draw a self-portrait, you're like, I will write everything that pains me.
Yeah. All right, well, thank you and I'm sorry. All right, you're up.
I put no face to show the mysterious side of me, and then draw a line. I've been told I have a terrific bone structure. That's me. This is a clown. I drew two portraits and erased them, and then we had three seconds left, so I put my face on my board.
I drew Mia's a bat in the day. I got here, and it was like, what's easier to draw? A human body or a bat body. So I did the bat body. But then I was like, I'm not like a bat, so daytime. Bat.
Great. Good job, everybody. You did it. Yeah, cool. Nice work. Yay. We're going to move on to the big first round.
All right, everyone close your eyes. Two stoners. Open your eyes. Make eye contact with each other without moving. Who would you like to illuminate? Close your eyes.
Let's talk to the medic. Who would you like to say? Let's talk to the narc. Who would you like to know about?
All right, everybody, open your eyes. It is finals week. Tensions are running high. A lot of things can happen.
Unfortunately, during an all-nighter last night, two stoners broke into the library and got someone high who usually doesn't smoke. And he got caught and expelled.
It was you. You must leave immediately.
Goodbye, Ben. Bye. Bye, Ben.
I'm so sorry. That really sucked.
I know. I'm glad it wasn't me. In that moment, I was like, oh, I know something people don't know. And then it immediately yanked away from me. I heard a light brushing of, like, something over here. I feel like I heard a stoner raise their hand. I don't know if it was you or you. Zach's got some dry mouth right now. I heard... Oh, no. He said, I'm freaking out.
Hold on a second. We should just get Michael out. We're moving a bit slow.
Michael's high.
I heard him say, I'm freaking out. We still think you're high. Your eyes are slightly a little red. No, I mean, it's so hot out. That doesn't mean anything, you liar. I don't know. You're also really, really...
Also, human body's not that much harder to draw than a fat body. Think of all the weight. I think those two corner ones are high.
Is that a second? Yes, absolutely. All right, Michael, you've been formally nominated. You have 30 seconds uninterrupted to give us a reason not to vote you out. Okay, listen.
I'm just a normal citizen. You know, I wake up, I go to work, come home at night. I smoke in the comfort of my own home.
So you did get high. Not during the day. It's for medicinal use. What do you have?
Cataracts and Samia. It is Iodates. Cataracts. That's my drawing show.
30 seconds is over, Michael. Everyone close your eyes. Raise your hand if you think Michael is stoned. Come on, guys, make the right choice. Everyone open your eyes. Michael, I'm sorry.
But you have been expelled. What were you? Like I said, citizen. All right, Michael, enjoy the VIP cabana with Ben, baby. I guess they just assumed that I was a stoner because I was trying to build a case right off the bat. But yeah, it was definitely a personal attack.
At this table right now, there are two stoners. There might be a poser. There might be a medic. There might be a narc.
Time for your next final exam. This one is a spelling bee.
Katie, your word is methamphetamine. Who wrote these? M-E-T-H. Say it again slower. You're aware this is my show, right? Methamphetamine. A-M. Say just the N part slower. You know the word methamphetamine. You can say it for yourself. Where did I leave off? You said meth-em. P-H.
I got second place twice and it's spelling bee. Finish it. I like to get to save that. A. No! Sorry, you got it wrong. Pick the next person. Ew. Kira, your word is debauchery. That's so easy. All right, got it. D-E-B-A-U-C-H-E-R-Y.
P-H-E-R-Y. Our first winner! Yay!
You were so close. That was impressive. Thank you. Great job, guys. That was very confident. Give yourselves a pat on the back.
That was hard, and we only got one word right out of the whole thing. Really? And it was debauchery. All right.
Everyone close your eyes. I want to talk to any remaining stoners. Open your eyes. Who would you like to send home? Close your eyes. Now I want to talk to the narc. NARC. Who would you like to know about? Close your eyes. I want to talk to the medic. Who would you like to say? Close your eyes.
Everyone wake up. We were day studying this time. We were cramming for a 5 p.m. final. Everyone on top of each other.
And then guess who rolled in? The stoners. They came in with an espresso edible. That's how they loop you in. They were like, hey, this will help you. One of you fell for it.
Kira, you were expelled. You can't say anything. You can't say anything, Kira.
I need you to go on up to the VIP cabana. You did great. Thank you so much.
You spelled debauchery right. You'll always have that. I knew from the get go they were gunning, you know, for me. OK, I'm going to lay some cards on the table here, OK?
Whoever else isn't a stoner, it means there's potentially three stoners. There's two stoners and a deposer. There's three of us versus two of us, OK?
So we've got to focus. That's all I want to say.
And I think you're definitely hot. I think you're hot.
Big time. We voted it, but that's two votes. Allie, hey!
That was reflex test. Yeah, he didn't use flinch. He didn't even see it coming. You just threw a reflex test at someone not looking?
OK, you have informally seconded Chad. 30 seconds uninterrupted about why you're not high. I'm just not. How do you say you're not high? You know, it's like. You just say it. I mean, I'm not high. You would know if I was high.
And I like. We do. Yeah, I feel like. You're not high. Yeah, I feel like. I mean, I think for sure, Paris.
What? I mean, that drawing is pretty crazy. It's great. I'm a honic. Exactly. Yeah, it's not me.
All right, 30 seconds is over. Everyone close your eyes. We will now do a blind vote.
Put your hand out in front of you. Raise it if you believe Chad is high. Put your hands down. I'm going to open up your eyes.
Chad, I'm sorry you have been expelled. What were you?
I'm very high. Head on up to the VIP to ban us. I was maybe the highest I've ever been. And no, not maybe. Definitely the highest I've ever been. Went from like never smoking to smoking the hugest hit you can. I was done.
This is your final presentation. But you're not quite sure which class it's for. Did you make this poster presentation in a blackout? You're pretty sure you've never seen this collection of images before in your life. But you must now deliver a one-minute presentation where you clearly state the subject matter involved. Oh my god. This is a presentation. Hello, health class.
If you eat apples and oranges, you will not end up like her or him. Reach for the stars, and you can have anything you want as long as you think positively. Again, you won't end up probably in a home being mistreated and not taken care of. So as long as you just eat fruits, veggies, reach for the stars, you'll live good.
She's high. She's great.
Excellent. Give me those powers. I will reveal that this is a poster about gravity. Oh, that's so high. Good job. OK.
So what do we know about PEMDAS, OK? The parentheses, exponents, multiplication, division, addition, subtraction. This is the system in which you use math.
Make sure to spread out. Make sure to use everything you have. When you're working on a project in math class, when you're working on something, you don't have to stick to the little area they gave you in the box. So can I have some more paper? Spread out. Do long division. You know what I mean? Use your space if it's going to help you, OK?
And honestly, people say that this is kind of hard, right? Math people, English people, we can't get along.
Well, dogs and cats can. So I think we can too.
Thank you very much. Wow. Great job. Thank you so much. Thank you.
You didn't use the phrase order of operations. I think you knew what you were doing. Yeah. And that is Aunt Sally. I don't know if you ever used that. Oh, please excuse my dear Aunt Sally. It is great to take off space.
Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, my god.
Welcome to sixth grade off class. Is this great? My name is Zach.
That's disgusting. I don't want to do this. I just don't like you guys do the presentation. The top one is the worst. They're pulling it out by the head.
I don't know. Children, not children. Is this in a daycare? I don't think it's in a daycare.
Oh, my god. He's going to pick your child up from daycare. Come look to this side of the area. It's the miracle of life.
All right. Sorry. Go on. No, you guys, you took it away. That was my minute.
Thanks for doing my presentation for me. Hello, everyone. Today I will be talking about evolution.
As you can see, people will evolve from being a floor sitting person. You get a chair. You get a slightly nicer chair. Then you wear a suit.
It's the natural order of things. Here we have some dinosaurs. This is a little fish man. And also, hello, do you remember? Sorry. Do you remember how fish were first? And then they started walking and they developed. Can you help me hold this? Fish were first.
And then they got little legs. And they got little lungs.
Yeah, do you remember? Do you remember?
All right, great. Great job. Katie, you guys killed it. Do you have any final comments before we go into this? After this, everyone's invited to my house. Wow. That's so sweet. Well, great. Yeah, let's get this over with. Okay, great.
Everyone close your eyes. Stoner, who would you like to kill? Great, close your eyes. Now I want to talk to the narc. Who would you like to know about? Close your eyes. Medic, who would you like to save? Close your eyes.
Everyone wake up. It's 7 a.m. You're all in the cafeteria cramming.
A stoner walks up, this time by themselves. They say, hey, do you want an espresso bean?
And you say, no. Because you've learned from all the senseless expulsions around you. You guys have saved yourself in this round. You can thank your medic. No one has been expelled. It is still the four of you. You have one more round.
What do you guys think? I think he's a stoner. Why? I heard of rustling again for the second time in this direction. That was the wind. I think he's a stoner. Wind is not that hard. Here's why I think he's a stoner.
How convenient that we were chatting about childbirth and then this guy says, yeah, that was my minute. Yeah, he didn't have to do anything. I mean, that's a good point. How convenient.
But if we're looking at the last challenge, I will say fruits and vegetables. And that wasn't a fruit. That was a planet.
And so I wanted to bring that up. And so I understand being put under the gun. I just wanted to air it. I wanted to air that because I do think that was a little bit of a request.
So do you think that Paris is stoned? Looking too much. Look at that.
I second that. I second him.
They're light pens. Double seconding. That's a cute hand. Is that really second?
OK, then Zach, you have 30 seconds on interrupting. I have too good a luck to get stoned in this round. I didn't want to.
Paris has had really abstract concepts this whole time, kind of bouncing around between fruits and planets. She's created. Falling down. Fabulous. Exactly. Creativity, THC. They go hand in hand. Wow. I have a real lack of creativity.
You did get the spelling. T-E-T-R-A-H-Y-D-R-A. It's true. All right.
You guys are going to have to vote. This is the make or break round for the stoners and citizens. Can we change it? You guys can vote right now, and if you don't vote to send Zach out of the game, then you can pick someone else to nominate.
So everyone close your eyes. Raise your hand if you think Zach is stoned. All right, everyone put your hands down.
Eyes open. Zach, you are still in the game. You are not expelled. The floor is open again.
I accuse Paris. Yeah, Sam. I second it. You're wrong. Paris, 30 seconds uninterrupted.
Look, this is a great picture. I'm a creative girl. Very smart. Good at drawing. I think that you all are jealous. You can't draw an image and be this fab.
Sober. I'm sober.
That was rude. That was rude of me. That was rude, but yeah.
Is it Patrick? No, it's not me. I'm strong. It's not me.
It could be any of you guys. You guys are doing great. But that was a strong rebuttal.
Everyone close your eyes. We will now blindly vote for Paris. Raise your hand if you think Paris is high. Put your hands down. Eyes open.
Paris, you've been expelled. I'm so sorry. What were you? It was good. Ah! It was tragic.
We were going in on my drawing, saying it was a high drawing. It was a fabulous drawing, an iconic drawing.
The boots, the legs, the fit, the glasses. Come on. We are now going into another round. Here you go, guys.
Eyes closed. Stoner, who would you like to expel? Great. Eyes closed. Nark, who would you like to know about? Okay. Eyes closed. Medic, who would you like to save? Okay. Eyes closed. Everybody, wake up.
Yesterday, one of you alone opened up your backpack, and inside was a brick of weed. And you thought, I've never tried this before. Oh, my God. You picked up the brick of weed, and you put it in the trash can, because you have learned from those around you not to do drugs during finals week. Horrible place to start. A brick of weed. Never tried it. A whole brick? I could get into how it got in there, but we don't have time. Let's just say you opened up your bag, there's a brick of weed.
Okay. You are all safe. The three of you are still alive. Perfect. Some of you have information. Some of you don't. Yes. Go. Okay.
You have to be the stoner. You're the stoner, big time. You're it. Big time.
He's got a first and a second. That's a first and a second.
They're bullies. You see that? That's a bully man. You're the high person. 30 seconds to say anything you want. I just think I'm being backed into a corner because I don't know these guys.
They're best friends. We are best friends. As allies, they agreed that they couldn't vote on each other.
I heard them. They're bullying me. They're pushing me into a corner. Wow. It's not me.
Well, everyone close your eyes. We are now going to do a blind vote. If you think Zach is high, raise your hand. Hands down. Eyes open.
Zach, you've been expelled. What were you?
I was a stoner. Yeah! I'm high as fuck right now. The citizens win! Sorry, stoners. Yes, yes, yes.
Sit down. Sit down? Okay.
Katie, what were you? I was a poser. You are on the stoner's team. You're supposed to be taking the heat off of the stoners at every turn by pretending to be high yourself.
Katie has lost the game. Because she was playing her own game. Wait. I am a little embarrassed. I kind of knew coming in here that somehow I was going to fail and everything, and it came true. Katie... Hello, Allie.
Do you want to talk about all those times you were pretending to be high during the game? I was not. Oh, did you never do that? Did you like that episode of Paranoia?
When there's a whole season coming to dropout.tv? Sign up for your free trial today. |
cracked | things_movies_get_wrong_about_sharks | Sharks may seem like angry, tooth-filled killing machines, hungry for human blood, but the truth is, well, they aren't. They're mostly shy and a little confused by us. I mean, we as a species are, well, we're weird. Hairless, flailing limbs, surface dwellers who float around at the top of the shark's house. Even when you're floating above them, sharks rarely actively go after humans. In fact, the most common reason for a shark attack is people provoking the shark by trying to pet it, or just interact with it in general. Probably to get a cool tinder photo, and the shark doesn't want to be part of your thirst trap.
Sorry, bro.
And most unprovoked shark attacks result in modern injuries. Even the fatal attacks aren't the torn to bits see as red with blood variety. Most are from a single bite that bled out.
Large sharks, like great whites, are curious and use their teeth like humans use their hands, because sharks don't have the privilege of grubby little fingers. They've been known to tentatively bite boats, buoys, paddle boards, and anything else they might find interesting. An investigative close-to-the-surface behavior that's also the reason behind the famous fin above the water stick. So when sharks do attack, it's like they're trying to figure out what we are. And when they realize we're gross swimming goobers, they quickly head out, because they're definitely better efficiency. |
ClickHole | watch_iphone_6_unboxing | Hey, what's up guys? Just got back from the Apple store and I had to wait in line for a couple of hours but I finally got my brand new iPhone 6 Plus and I am ready to unbox it. So excited, so let's see what's inside. I'm going to start off with my handy dandy box cutter here and it looks like the box itself is pretty similar to what they had in previous models, you know, basic white rectangle. Okay, here goes nothing and there it is right off the bat, the iPhone 6 Plus. Yeah, you can see I got the space grey model but it also comes in silver and gold. I'm actually going to put that aside for a second so we can check out what else they've got in here for me. Looks like the usual documents, yep, user guides, info, the Apple stickers, pretty cool. And we've also got the wall adapter and a lightning cable for me and the earbuds. Okay, very cool. Let's get back to the main event here though, the iPhone 6 Plus.
Wow, look at this thing. As you can see, a much bigger screen than previous models and if you look close you can see the rounded edges that they've added to the metal, which I think look pretty sleek. Also, just check out how thin it is, 7.1 millimeters, so yeah, obviously very thin for a phone this size. This is the biggest model of the iPhone to date. In this model, the 128 gigabit one sent me back $500, so you'll have to decide for yourself whether it's worth it, but I can tell you that after opening this thing up, I could not be more stoked.
Well, that's it. Thank you guys so much for watching. I hope you enjoyed the video. Let me know in the comments if you're getting your own iPhone 6 and what you plan to do with yours. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Podcast_Ep115_John_Williamson_AM | You know in isolation as listeners we've had a few interesting guests because there's a lot more people with a bit of spare time on their hands to talk to us. We've had Sir Bob Geldof, Malcolm Turnbull, a whole range of different people that have you know you wouldn't usually be free to talk and today's guest is one of them as well with a career in music spanning over 50 years and 26 golden guitars I believe I hope I got that number right. I'd argue but it was 26 or 27 I think I can count 26 anyway. You don't want to get that one wrong but thank you for joining us today John Williamson. It's a pleasure Clancy and Errol.
How have you been in isolation mate? I've been up in South East Queensland I've got a block of land up there and we'd only just extended gone upstairs so it was a perfect time for us to move in and you know clean up after the builders have left and all the rest of it. It's a good spot down there in Australia's Tuscany down there in that southeast corner where they only worry about themselves.
That's it? Not the rest of it. That's all we've been doing lately is worrying about ourselves.
Now with a guitar in hand I imagine it's probably a bit easier to sit at home. I've noticed that Troy Cassaday he was saying that it's a lot easier you know as a musician to be stuck in isolation because that's mostly how you spend your lifetime in the back of a truck or you know in the back of a bus or in a hotel room. You used to that? Yeah I think it's great I've been learning how to retire. It's what I've been thinking about because we postponed all our sold out gigs to next year so I was going to go quiet next year but it looks like I'm doing it this year and we'll get back into it next year. It's a good country to be in I guess in the scheme of things as a musician because it looks like there'll be live music in Australia well before there is anywhere else in the world.
So yes basically you just put that one on hold postpone it bump it to 2021. They haven't cancelled the Denny Ute must have yet but it may I don't know but it's still something to go on. They'll be the last to do it. It may be everyone will like to sit in their Utes or in the back of the Ute out in the pack. That'll work.
You still do donuts in isolation that's alright. No I've enjoyed being isolated because I've been looking forward to getting up into Springbrook up there with a big shed so I've really enjoyed it. You know we're now about able to see our grandkids so we're not suffering too badly.
So basically when we look at your career John you've almost done an album a year. Yeah those are some. There's a compilation there's a bit of a cheat there we put out a few compilations and you know Best Dobs and all the rest of it and we're doing it again now this box set. Yeah JW50. Yeah so there's 25 mini discs two songs on each disc and a painting of mine or a drawing on each cover so but yeah I think I'm in the 20s when it comes to original albums early 20s something you know but brand new studio albums but there's a couple of live albums like there's a Sydney Symphony one that I did so that all adds up. So can you take us back then if if this spans 20 years can you take us back to 1970 what was John Williamson like back then?
I don't think I've changed that much Errol. Yeah I still got a brother on the land so I go out there and sit down in the chair and worry with him about the barley not going the barley prices coming down because of China or whatever. Getting too much rain. That's it. I'm not as shy as I used to be back then I'm sure. Yeah you learn that you can't be shy in this business. I mean I wouldn't do it if I was shy. Yeah no you're on the front foot already. Last year Paul Kelly released an album and we were talking to him around the same time and he Paul Kelly has kind of got a way of kind of I guess slinking through crowds and avoiding being bailed up by the punters in a way that someone like Jimmy Barnes might not be able to do where you know you get every single bloke that's ever listened to your music wants to say g'day and wants you to behave.
In every airport lounge. In every airport lounge and in every servo and they want to they have an idea of what you are and how you're going to behave and how you're going to act.
How do you deal with the punters? I'm always quite flattered when someone comes up and says you know they're my greatest fan or whatever they want to say or they weren't afraid I don't mind that as long as it's not too much but I can I think it's an attitude if you don't want to be noticed you don't get noticed you know you don't look people in the eye and I think that's the way you remain normal I think there's be nothing worse I've often been tempted to write a song who wants to be Jesus Christ or John Glennon or Elvis Presley because when you get that famous it'll end up killing you. Yeah the modern footballer would actually struggle with that because they've they've all covered in tattoos and and they've got wild haircuts nowadays and they're huge too.
I ran into one of the Burgess brothers this morning yeah you can't miss them. John I love your music. I was back in Huddersfield I loved it.
Yeah he knew who I was that's about all he said. You do a better one than me.
Nord in England. Can you tell us the moment when you decided you were going to make that move into music? I mean as we said 50 years ago now 50 albums ago 20 original albums ago what was the decision and was it a big risk at the time or were you just a young bloke where you could you could have done anything at that point? Well I was one of five boys so I was on the farm first and I and I actually had a farm with my brother it was a 4,000 acre property so I had a future there if I wanted it. I went to Boardingkill for a few years in Melbourne that's where I got into folk music but it wasn't until I went up to Moree north of Moree Cropper Creek I was being amongst kangaroos and emus and I came up with this song Old Man Emu and I was just performing in a little coffee lounge in Moree just for fun in fact I got a free meal about all I got out of it and I wrote the song Old Man Emu which was just a novelty thing but in those days it was only novelty Aussie songs that got in the airplay couldn't be serious you had to put on an American accent and do all that stuff you wanted to be serious when I was singing at the pub Imperial Hotel in Moree I had to sing it three times it's never happened to me since I had to sing the song three times I might have a hit here yeah right so I went down to Melbourne and I had a connection with Channel 9 because my dad's cousin was the musical director there so I got on new faces straight away and the next minute I got a contract in front of me with a recording of Old Man Emu it went number one for five weeks so I actually went back to the farm when I first heard her on radio after that I decided to give the career a bit of a go but I remember dad's cousin Brian Rankin told me you know you won't last in this business long could be a one-hit screamer and I was a one-hit screamer for a while but I worked up my career and eventually started writing you know some serious songs and 16 years later I came up with Mally Boy album and that's still my biggest biggest album it would have been a hell of a time to give up the farming because you know back in the day in the 70s it was quite an exceptionally wet time I mean so you'd be seeing you know these big crops up the armpits and then it's like no I'm going to get into music we had we had some bad years as well we had to sell all our sheep for skin value at one stage yeah 65 when we moved up there was the worst drought on record up there and in another year we had about two thousand acres a week looking prime and the frost killed a lot yeah and I think that was when I started to think there's a better way to make a quid yeah yeah certainly is or you could be a farmer in Moree where you can't seem to fail up there can you yeah that's that's very prosperous very well it always comes back yeah yeah to tell us a little bit about those those early days like did you meet any heroes early on because I mean every everyone in country music has kind of got a story about meeting either um you know meeting Slim because Slim had a few renaissance moments in his career oh he's a bit older than me you might have timed well with one of his comebacks yeah I think Slim told me his competition actually came at the whole showgrounds thing where you didn't you didn't want your tent close to the other bloke's tent you know but um but I I did meet some American stars I met uh uh Roger Miller I met Tom D Hall and I actually supported Johnny Cash whoa was that was that Stan Stan thought was the Johnny Cash show he had here no standing Tazzy I did the two casinos there with him right yeah and uh he's a big bloke and he used to have heels on him about four inches so it was like Darth Vader he wore a big black coat but uh he didn't say much you know no but Tom Hall was good I went on a little cruise around the harbour with Tom D Hall nice by saying all Australian boys need a shed to him and he was gobsmacked he'd never heard anyone sing a country song without an American accent yeah right you kind of started that I guess as you said before there was a lot of novelty in Australian music with your particular country music and all the rest was singing like Americans and I guess you kind of brought you know an authenticity to Australian country music to the mainstream anyway where you could sing in the voice you're actually talking yeah Aussies couldn't say love when they said love in a song they have to say love I think I might have been the first one to say love on a record yeah right and yeah that's because Slim never sang a love song that I remember anyway he and Ralph Harris had the accent but Chad Morgan's my hero he's still around Chad Morgan was uh I think the reason he he sang crazy songs because no one would take him seriously anyway yeah he uh he's still yeah he's still around Kimpy Mustard not even 10 years ago he was headlining there he could write a serious song but he he had a comedy look about him and he played on that yeah did you find any hot spots around Australia where you kind of um you know where you didn't expect to see country music fans because you you often find that in places like Logan particularly urban areas Eaton's Hill like North Brisbane and South Brisbane as well and I know Rudy Hill in Western Sydney they just love their country music yeah but mind you I think my music is more folk the country even though I hung my hat on the country music their pigeon holed me there yeah my songs be quite honest work with anyone that likes to hear about Australia is that they don't have to be into um country music necessarily you know in fact I think the really hardcore country music fans aren't as big a fans of mine as uh yes as some of other people you know like because I don't I'm not into the American thing but I pay tribute to the to the real Aussie style country music you know on this box set there's a new one called uh those 50 years that I've actually recorded in that real slim traditional Aussie style you know so there's definitely a market for it still yeah did you do much touring overseas did you did you did you uh uh New Zealand I went yeah New Zealand I did a couple times I did America once and I did England twice and Ireland once but after I'd done them I thought that's not really me you know so you've been all over the country then so you've you've obviously toured it top to bottom where was a place that really took you back I mean I know there's been a few times when like the last time I crossed the Nullarbor I popped into Esperance and I was like geez this is a pretty nice corner of the world yeah is there any way you've been that's really kind of blown you away yeah I think I think the pilgrim blew me away more than anything else it's uh all those just those big red hills was covered in uh yeah in spinifex and white snappy gums and I in fact it almost turned me into a landscape painter I loved it that much I ended up painting a little quite a lot of landscape from the Pilbara and that's like really isolated and very quiet you wouldn't believe there but to go through it it's like being on Mars you know being on a different world it's same with uh around Broome up there in the Kimberley that's like another country yeah it is more like being in South Africa or in Africa you know do you ever get that with your music do you ever pull up into a place and say I have to write a song about here I mean you've written about a lot of parts of Australia uh personal favorite of mine takes me back to my early days um chasing pigs is obviously gundy gundy pork I did write about the truth I think that's why it works you know and I've been on the land so all that stuff's truthful but yeah I get well obviously I was inspired by uh Uluru you know in all that area out the center you know I got to got to know Warren Williams and he he took me around a lot of the places I think um the red center is probably the most amazing area you know but uh you know I'm into the tropics where I live in southeast Queensland is uh subtropical country love that yeah do you read all songs about that area too you've said before you know true blue obviously is a song that took off tared away um from from you know anyone else in uh you know making music at that time and and of course of your catalogue you don't think that's your best song you've you've written but you know that just happens sometimes with where the audience grabs onto a song you didn't you didn't have any expectations for that one no I I didn't write it as a as a uh you know try to be a hit I wrote a project for John Singleton who had a tv show called True Blue Aussies right yeah he had three years off from from his business and he went into filming True Blue Aussies so he went out on the road with people like Buddy Williams and and uh he wanted a theme and he just rang me up so the song was sort of asking the question what is true is it me and you is it mum and dad what is it you know then they used it for the buy Australian campaign and that gave a huge exposure and with all sorts of wonderful Aussie pictures to go with it it was like I had this million dollar film clip presented on every channel so I was very lucky there I don't think it's necessarily a best song but it's used for celebration and also for funerals you know and yeah for the cricket team and you know wallabies everything you know who were here to a thought so I can't beat it I it's my calling card you know so that's what that gets yelled at yeah during a gig when you when they feel like you're not going to play it at the end of the set half that's where the first half and then you go okay what's up just hang on yeah the eden's hill him you're the last two I suppose but I'm getting a bit of gander when he pulled from the audience too all the shooters all the hands up the back yeah can you tell us a little bit about Tamworth you kind of saw that machine become a thing the country music festival you would that would have been during your your your heyday when Tamworth started really kind of the festival itself hitting its straps did you have any idea that that would turn out to what it was yeah I think it was going to work I mean it was based on the whole Nashville idea that John Minson kicked it off and Tamworth was a bit of a country music center already because of the John Minson's hoedown radio program and I remember coming through after old man emu was released that came through from Cropper Creek and met the Emanuel brothers and it was a bit of a country center already so I didn't go to the first awards in fact I thought it was all I was going to do was make everybody stab each other in the back for not you know because you reckon you should have got the award kind of thing you know but it did work I became president of it for a while I guess the reason I joined up I just wanted to make sure we don't just become a satellite for us American country music and I think that was done a lot for that yeah so we have our own sound and yeah and as time goes on we're getting more and more Aussie singing about us and sounding like us yeah I actually heard the other day from a source inside rugby Australia that back when you used to sing you know after the all blacks would do their haka that you aren't allowed to sing a song at a rugby game now if it's not a cultural song but would you argue that waltzing Matilda is a cultural song oh definitely for Australian yeah well if it's a song that stirs the nation that's that's that's all needs and that that one did and I did actually that shocked the hell out of the all blacks when I did sing it after the haka yeah actually they were actually pissed off because they thought this is not right because they had it their own way every time but the one he's told me afterwards and we won the bladders like up that day first time I did it yeah and then we with the team went to went overseas and won the world cup yes yeah it was the first time that after a haka that they were on the front foot when when when all the Aussies sang waltzing Matilda and I remember doing a little dinner or something at the grounds beforehand and there were a lot of Kiwis in the audience and they thought it was a bit of Jack because everyone was everyone knew I was going to do old man he sorry uh wasn't Matilda after the haka it was promoted and people were ready for it and uh the Kiwi said I will sing along I had no idea the impact they would have on the game you know and when it came to the world cup in Sydney they wouldn't let me sing it after haka so they the Kiwis won in the finish they didn't want to write a reply that's what it was too because uh that that that is an advantage the the all blacks have it's like you know anthems are sung and then um they do a incredibly intimidating war dance and then it's kickoff and it's all been downhill since you know 2003 world cup you know how everyone's talking about the share market being as low as it's been for millions of years what about the wallabies yeah well I think that's I think rugby hasn't looked after the uh the grassroots I think that's the main reason for that and they didn't allow it to go to free television that was the biggest mistake yeah yeah you lose fans if you can't watch it for nothing yeah yeah not not getting someone to drill a hole into my house uh so that I can watch rugby union now the waltzing Matilda uh you know you've obviously sung it a fair few times but uh we spoke to the honorable Bob Katter last time we were in Mount Isa we had an interview with him that'd be interesting oh yeah it was great it goes for about three hours and he interrupts himself constantly so um but he he is obsessed with the yarn as a lot of people up that way are they hold it close to their heart um you know out that way Winton Mount Isa Ingelland song yeah yeah and Bob reckons he knows the entire story Bob reckons he knows the name as a cop that killed I know the murderer he was set up yeah Johnny you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna come up hard on house and come from protest first example of police brutalizing people in Australia yeah no Bob was out front of parliament house today dressed as the grim reaper on behalf of the automotive industry yeah Holden to Aussie jobs yeah yeah loves a pun Bob yeah yes what does he does he do anything for the country I'm not sure he does a lot for his people up there in northern Australia inland rail inland rail so what would you say is your footy team because you're based in uh I mean I mean you obviously across both all codes it's obviously I've got the foot in all camps yeah even though I was born in Victoria there's no rugby league down there so I'm I'm a blues fan when it comes to origin also a broncos fan yeah right very clever and I've always been an Essendon fan because I've born up brought up in on Aussie rules yeah right always loved Essendon so I've got it all covered really well it's good the sport is back I mean I guess the music can't be too far behind it if they're talking about getting fans and stadiums uh for the for the footy no one knows the strategy from our end we're outside of the tent but I reckon live music isn't too far off yeah yeah but I'm not too sure about having a cardboard audience yeah yeah we need a story today that's what the uh Victorian labour party basically looks like an NRL crowd at the moment with their branch stacking that's it I could just just say going out there and signing all the cardboard take them home and stick them up in the wall should I had had quite a lot of soul out shows I had to cancel or postpone I can't do them again until everyone can come you know you can't yeah 300 can come to 300 can't you know what I mean yeah so I can't do anything about until we're able to sit next to each other again I think that's the way especially the ones I've already sold yeah you know like I did a shared show on my shed every year and I had to postpone that well there's only one or four people of one of their money back so you know it's all there it's all still happening next year well there's been a couple of musicians who've started to do their shows on skype is that something that would interest you no I wouldn't I'm doing the odd silly thing you know not performing like I've been promoted this this box set by doing a couple of silly things like taking the wheelbarrow to the mailbox and picking it up because I hadn't seen it before and I took the wheelbarrow up to collect all the fan mail but there was none there do silly things like that and I'm going to go around the shed and probably tell the stories of all the stuff I've got in the shed so but rather than perform I find that a bit everyone's doing that I think it's a bit weird yeah it's uh it's a bit of a triple j idea that isn't it yeah you know it's probably great for young artists that are trying to get somewhere and it'll probably kick a lot of them off so good luck now where you sit kind of in you know foot in both camps uh with with your music between folk and country have you ever been paired up with someone I mean you know you're well known for a songwriter a balladeer not necessarily the type of music associated with hardcore partying have you ever been paired up on tour with bands that uh kind of just clashed a little bit with that classic touring style you do you're probably not trashing hotels I think I did did one of the dj that was out in west Australia but the rain had got rained out but that was with the dj and that was completely opposite what I was about and anywhere was under umbrellas and eventually they had to cancel it because the power was a bit of a problem we always know what's going on so I don't want to be uh put in the wrong place yes I could be there with Paul Kelly or John Farnham or something like that doesn't matter but it's the really modern hip-hop or something that really fit yeah yeah yeah yeah I don't even know how you describe all the different music these days yeah it's all starting to um tangent off in in different angles of different different styles it doesn't seem to be much melody it's just it's poetry with music isn't it although I'm thinking about the other what's the rap or whatever yeah yeah gangster rap drill drill rap do you keep an eye on the young fellas coming through with guitars uh no not really I did for a while when I was the president but uh yeah well if I hear somebody that's uh that's genuinely Aussie and you know just sounding like I mean you two for instance back when I started there wouldn't be voices like you on TV or radio it was sort of a half British kind of act or what they'd be putting on an American accent so the whole thing's changed and it's great to see the young ones coming through now I've recorded recently with Elise Simmons we recorded my song Three Sons yeah right no she sounds really good who was the uh the late night host they just hired an American um Don Lane yeah yeah because you know everyone thought Americans were better than we were you know nowadays Aussies are getting jobs like the Adam Hills in England yeah but who wants to live in fucking England I mean did you get no son there no it's just one big Gippsland isn't it now you're like me you know like not to get too serious but you've got to understand why a mob that had been taken off their land you know 200 years ago I know how that if I had to live out of Australia somewhere and I wouldn't let it go back yeah I think I would die yeah yeah and that's what happened to him yeah and that was um and and so you toured a lot with Warren H Williams yeah and were you as familiar with kind of Aboriginal Australia before kind of you know working alongside him no you learned a lot why I welcomed it you know he approached me to do a duet with the Raining on the Rock I'd already had it on the Mally Boy album but he approached me he was doing duets with a lot of people he's managed to suggested it out there at Alice and uh Raining on the Rock just suited him down to the ground of course and uh and that was the song that got the airplay the the duet it was an ARIA award one year for the most airplay for country song I think and um but I was I was uh invited out there to meet the real fellas out there the real old people they're cunning Warren said oh yeah I want to take out to see my uncle and he's going to show you the the stones he's got which had been handed down for thousands of years and when I got out there he was gone yeah right so I wasn't initiated but I don't say no you can say you can't come because you're not initiated I had to get all the way in the middle of the desert before I found out he didn't want to talk to me but then Warren didn't tell me either oh uncle's gone yeah yeah Warren was just uh he was just taking a punt I suppose yeah and uh yeah they're lucky enough to uh yeah um to still be on their land out there yarrada western yarrada you would have seen a lot of um Murray Koori country music as well on the road did you did you ever know did you ever think you know that there's um there's just a whole scene here that's that's waiting because you know with Warren there was I mean a lot of people that era black singer songwriters and further north you get warumpi band and of course you know kev comedy and that kind of stuff did you did you did you see the country music before before everyone else heard it oh I saw a bit of it I've been at some of their festivals and supported them you know the thing is though what I've encouraged is to sing their own songs you know yeah I've been doing for me I was I kept telling Warren he should do his language songs and then then up gets uh there's a gulp a little uh what was his name gourmal that's right sorry Meg's in there help me now gourmal yeah they got up and he was he was a world hit by singing you know in his own language and I always said to Warren you should do that you know and so they can uh they could send their stories around the world because you just need to work out what they're singing about and we did do a song where we used to build a language yeah in uh I um uh I'm getting too old guys well it's 50 50 years jw is on the road would you say that Australian country music is is a lot more original than what you'd get in America because you know just for like for the past 10 years you know since Garth Brooks really came through in the early 90s it's all been that you know homogenized crooning like I've lost my baby you know like things like that I've noticed as an Australian country music fan that there's always someone different that's coming through where in America it's just more of the same nashville shit year in year out I don't want to pat myself on the back too much but things like galleries a pink glass rain on the rock they're called country songs well they're nothing like American music are they yeah they're nothing like American music yeah they're still called country so you know maybe those sort of songs have opened up a bit for the young ones that have been into what I do and you know a bit even slim stuff I think rain towels down in July they're very Australian you know even even when you go up that way um they start saying July yeah that's how authentic he was he said July like an old ringer which is probably regarded in the folk area it's really an Australian country song you know it's about country it's country yeah yeah well it's either that or it's an Italian country so either way spaghetti western so that's 50 years 50 albums not not all necessarily original but 50 albums JW50 yeah coming out now and uh that should get everyone warmed up for when we're allowed to do the live shows again I guess yeah yeah thanks advantage for all for the uh the top 20 artists in Australia because we won't be able to bring the Americans and the poems out for a while probably yeah we might start headlining our own shows yeah that's it Splendour in the Grass might have an Australian lineup uh Blues Fest all Aussies Gympie yeah it should be a good time for Australian music it certainly will be for film because we'll be rolling cameras well before Hollywood yeah it's all right yeah oh well they haven't looked after their bars over there no no no well thank you for joining us today John Williamson it's um it's been great to chat to you and we're looking forward to uh you coming out of isolation with a vengeance thank you Clancy and they're all well um you you took it pretty easy on me I think |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_wins_south_carolina_primary_biden_raises_56_million_for_campaign_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Good evening, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, just hours ago, Donald Trump won the South Carolina Primary, which means that Trump is now undefeated, everywhere except court. Trump has basically locked up the nomination, and he's clearly already pivoting to the general election with a more moderate, unifying tone. November 5th will be our new Liberation Day, but for the liars and cheaters and fraudsters and censors and imposters who have commandeered our government, it will be their judgment day. their judgment Day. Now, where did I hear that before? Oh, right, bam.
Political experts say that Nikki Haley could have been helped by Black voters in South Carolina, but they have long disliked her. this is mostly due to a phenomenon known as bitch-too-skinny. Nikki Haley insisted that she's not staying in the race to beat Donald Trump's running mate, saying i feel no need to kiss the ring, while Tim Scott said he'll suck that ring right off Trump's finger. the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that embryos created through Ivf are children, and that black embryos can be tried as adults. It's crazy that they're saying that embryos are the same as children. if you think an embryo is the same as a baby, try telling your wife, hey, honey, I left our baby in the freezer. Even Donald Trump thinks this decision goes too far. he came out strongly in favor of Ivf, saying this. I strongly support the availability of Ivf for couples who are trying to have a precious, little, beautiful baby. Yeah, I mean, he had me right up until the end when he said, little baby, like he was Rumpelstiltskin. I must have their beautiful, little, delicious babies. And Trump is also like Rumpelstiltskin, in that he clearly wove his own hair out of straw.
Donald Trump announced he is selling limited-edition gold sneakers for $400. you can check them out on the feet of the guy getting dragged off your flight. It was reported that President Biden's campaign ended its January fundraising with $56 million in the bank. Now, if he can only remember his Atm code. While boarding Air Force One this week, Biden narrowly avoided tripping and falling on the stairs again, and instead did a forward roll before inviting everyone inside the chocolate factory. |
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dropout | fourth_of_july | Whoa, did you get this email? Hmm, did you get this email?
No, I didn't I didn't even bring my computer in today. Honestly, where were you 4th of July weekend? I went to I went up to the home to my home. I went home for 4th of July. We went home Yeah, it was crazy. Okay, you're sure you went home 4th of July weekend. It was that a Tuesday It was a weekend Friday. I went home Just so you know this email is a surveillance video that Security took because they want to know who this was staying in the office all weekend And you were home in this weekend I Was at my home Come over here watch this video with me.
Okay good. I want to know what happened in the office cuz I was at I was at home All right, so that's not you dancing. Ah, wow. No that looks like me though So I can see I'm not offended because that guy's handsome and so am I but Holy that was awesome. I was off. That is odd.
That is an awesome dance I have however that is this is who's this in a penguin costume saying Jake over and over again I can see honestly I can see why you would think it was me. Yeah, it's logical to think that it wasn't When this guy comes right up to the camera Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo one second one second. Hey, hey security. Hey, it's Amir See that could be any Amir. He just said it's Amir Blumenfeld specifically That oh that is me, but I think that wasn't fourth and it's the 4th of July weekend You know that this is that is my house and I'm in the office I Ain't at home bitches. I was here.
Just go. Yeah, okay |
cracked | 6_famous_characters_that_are_secretly_insults | Six secret insults lurking in pop culture Well, actually I figured since it wasn't due till Monday Baking your pardon commander with news Sarah's lives. Listen, he was able upon your departure to escape. However, he's serious Device to me or I will destroy your ship. I just feel Duty bound to acquaint everyone with all the pleasures that I've had from from film Do you expect me to talk?
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dropout | orphan_reality_show | Coming this fall, from the creators of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette comes Orphan Showdown. Justin, I'm sorry. I don't want to be your mom. Samantha, the last lollipop is yours. Yes! Hi, my name's Michelle. I'm 35, and I'm just looking to finally settle down and find the right kid.
So, tell me a little about yourself. What's your family like? I don't have a family.
Right. Oh, I think Trevor's got a good shot. You know, just sometimes he can come off as desperate. Okay, Trevor, I told you the play date's over. It's Marcus' turn now. But I can't lose another mom! Trevor, come on. Let go. Thank you. But out of all the kids, I think Caitlin stands the best chance of making it to the end.
Stop it!
She is an independent bitch, and she knows how to play the game. So, Caitlin, did you come here to win or make friends? Well, I've never had a friend, because I'm afraid of being hurt. So you did come here to win? I can't win. I don't deserve to be loved.
Wow, what a week. You guys are both so special.
Honestly, this is one of the toughest decisions I've had to make in my whole life. I wish I didn't have to eliminate either of you, but the state can only afford to do one kid. Gary, I don't want to be your mom.
Yes! I am so excited for this opportunity. Sweet dreams, guys. Yeah, I can just tell that the kids and I are going to have the time of our lives. Who's your mommy? |
SaturdayNightLive | a_message_from_saturday_night_live_saturday_night_live | And now, a message from Saturday Night Live.
I can't get no sleep, I'm staring at the ceiling, trying to count sheep, go out and get the paper, the news gets worse every day. everything is crazy, I, I just want to say. everybody cool out, everybody chill. everybody cool out, everybody chill. everybody just be cool, heaven knows I will. everybody cool out, everybody chill. get my spin in, no matter what we do. just relax, eat some apple jacks and some dinty morpies stew. life is short, so make it sweet, this much is true. kiss your honey and have some fun, don't you want that too?
Look at this day, what do you see? all different types of people making sweet music together.
Sometimes we get drunk after the show. sometimes we get drunk during the show. and we fight with each other. sometimes things get a little out of hand, and someone gets cut, I'm sorry for now.
But we make up eventually, all of us from different places, and different hoods, united on the stage, trying to do some good. everybody chill out, everybody be cool. everybody cool out, everybody. |
dropout | skyrim_hoarders | My name is Glarther. I am a thief of the Bosmer race. I am also a thane of Whiterun. I'm a warrior Nord. And I'm going to help Glarther clean up his act and hopefully keep Breeze home.
Oh, wow. This is a lot of stuff. It's loot. It's actually loot. Where do you get it all?
I strip search a lot of dead bodies. I mean, I'm a sword and shield, but I can't live in filth anymore. Why do you need so many dragon bones? You know, so I can make armor. Are you a blacksmith?
No. The Book of the Dragonborn. Definitely. I'm going to read that soon. That is about something about dragons and a covenant they made. Sure you are. What do we have here? The lusty Argonian maid.
This is just a pile of feces. Good for potions. But yeah, I guess that's gross. This clam meat needs to be refrigerated. What are you going to do with all this cabbage? Fine.
It's just like a little bit harder for me to pick stuff up because I'm in third person mode. You're not even trying. I'm in third person mode. What are you doing?
I need these. I need these in case I ever want to dual wield.
I can't do this anymore. I can't.
Let them go. No, pack them up. Do this all.
I can't.
I need you to work with me. Okay. Let's see.
I need to hang on to this in case I find the transmute spell. I've got to save these because I'm going to enchant them as soon as I increase my enchanting skill. These are going to be pretty valuable some day.
I guess I could drop this. I have a bad feeling about this. Excuse me. I'm a fucking fane of Whiterun. I guess I just didn't know what I was getting into when he came and forced me into his service. He needs it right now, Lydia. Well, I am sworn to carry his burden.
I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took a night class in public health. I took a night class in public health. |
dropout | the_tinder_game | Hello, everyone. Welcome to the College Humor podcast. I am the host for today. I'm Jess. Thank you so much for being here.
If you're listening anywhere where you can get podcasts, if you're on CH2. And of course, our favorite way for you guys to listen and be a part of this is on Dropout. If you subscribe to Dropout, not only do you get to be the first to hear all of our podcasts. You can also chat with us in our Discord where we get to have questions from you. We're going to have a question portion at the end of this podcast, answering some of the fans' questions. And we also just get to hang out with you guys. There's a lot of awesome fan art for the different podcasts that we have.
Dried rice stuck to my jeans.
Okay. Well, there we go. There we go.
Anyone else? Well, it sounds like you need attention right now. So do you want to say your name and then we'll go down the line? Yes, my name is Grant O'Brien. I generally have dried food stuck to myself at some juncture at one of my myriad, you know, all my 5,000 parts. So I'm Grant O'Brien. Thank you so much for joining us today.
TJ Gonzalez, the in-house visual effects supervisor and artist here. And Grant has been talking about the food on his pants for like 10, 15 minutes beforehand. We had Indian food for lunch. And so there's, it's everywhere. I'm Lauren Davis. I also had the Indian food earlier and I'm the supervising producer here.
And also, did it not get on your pants? It did. It did get on my pants. This was some of the slipperiest Indian food out there. It got all over all of our pants. I actually managed to make it out okay. TJ?
I was in a meeting beforehand, but no pants involved. Oh, no pants in the meeting? No pants in the meeting.
Food spillage on the pants. You VFX guys get wild. They put on the pants afterwards. I'm usually not wearing pants. It's all rotoed in later. This is for the fans at home. I'm completely nude.
I'm psyched to have the two of you guys on here because we don't usually get so much perspective from so many different departments all together on this podcast. This is cool. Yeah. Can we hear a little bit just about the jobs that you do here maybe before we even get into some other stuff? Do you want to hear me? Sure. I'll take it.
I am on the production management team. I wear a lot of different hats and basically work with everybody else here to make sure the wheels keep turning. And it's like big picture and small picture at the same time. It's a lot of answering questions. And it's also just a lot of making sure consistent things happen, hopefully on time. It can be a very thankless job.
And Lauren is very, very good at it. And nothing that we do happens without Lauren and a lot of other. Yeah. And then, you know, just specifically Lauren, the lights are on because of her.
Lauren and I were on a job that none of you will ever see at a production that was filming out of town. We were in Philadelphia and I was that's right. We were in Philly and I was going to a party separate from from the production. And I was taking a lift there and the lift got in an accident.
And the only thing I could do is it was just text Lauren and say, like, so I don't know what to do from here. Lauren, can you help? And Lauren did.
It's great. You didn't have a concussion. So we were able to move forward. Yes, it's really you were concussed.
We would have to wipe our hands of you, leave you in Philadelphia and act like you never happened like so many NFL players before me. Is that so now when they said don't slander anyone, did they did they? Did they include the NFL in that?
Or is that the kind of thing that I should do more of? I'm looking at I'm looking at all the producers in the room and and they're saying do more.
Good. All right. Sure. The NFL hasn't gone through anything in the past couple of years. They're fine.
They're not. They're not going to say their numbers are through the roof.
TJ, what do you do for? I'm the visual effects supervisor. More recently, I do all of the in-house visual effects for all of the sketches and most of the dropout shows with the exception of a few are scheduled and how much content we put out doesn't let me do everything. So I guess when you see when Troopers comes out, you'll see lots of my work there. And then I mean, I touch all sorts of things. Anytime there's a screen on phone, it's probably me unless I was too busy and we had to provide assets in advance. It's a lot of fun computer stuff that I lock myself into my cave of an office and do a lot for long hours.
It's the most awesome, impressive stuff when we get to have that in our sketches, because typically if you write it for stage or you just write it thinking like, oh, and then this will happen. Who even knows how that will happen? And then the next thing you know, it's actually in a sketch happening.
Yes, totally. I'm very glad that Zachoyama is not here to write insane visual sketches for me anymore. We're all glad Zachoyama's not here. Yeah, we're all glad.
These are those first and last names we're supposed to mention on the podcast. Yeah, Zachoyama. Everyone's a lot of shit on him. Zachoyama can eat my ass who gives a fuck.
This is good, right? All the producers, they say good. Do more. All right. TJ, didn't you have a story to share with us as well? Yeah, we're actually just ramping up and making our biggest show yet.
So coming to drop out later this year. Can't give any specifics. But Jess actually co-wrote it with Katie. Those are some specifics. You gave a little. That's as far as I'll go. A little tiny one.
We've been on set shooting out. We're like three quarters of the way done. The sets that we're filming on are awesome. They're totally high budget movie quality sets, all the props. We've got stunts.
There's a motorcycle. Let me know if I'm going too specific here. All right, we'll tell them. Katie befriends a motorcycle. They go on adventures together.
It's called hot rod in. No affiliation to hot rod. No affiliation. Yeah, we were actually hot rod and then we had to change it.
But everything like the footage looks so cinematic. It's insane. It's probably the coolest stuff we've actually shot ever. I can't wait to see it. I'm so excited. It's awesome. We're excited to share that with you guys.
And it's so crazy you hear celebrities on their onsets and stuff go like, oh, this is difficult and long days. I see Katie's schedule every day. She has to be there for just her entire life, is waking up, going there, having to know all the new lines that day. When you are starring in something and you're the head, it's a ton of work.
I don't think people always realize. I didn't even always realize, and I do this shit.
Katie's schedule for the next three days is 5 PM to 5 AM, just every day, just to shoot overnight. I'm there some of those days. We're there, too. Yeah. I'm there those days, too. Attaboy. Ooh.
And we'll go to belly ache together at 3 in the morning. Lauren, you'll just be asleep in your bed, I assume.
I sure hope so. That sounds great. That sounds so nice.
Lauren has a wonderful dog named Pam, who is always in our office. And Pam is just the coolest, if you want to speak to Pam at all.
I love her. She is, in fact, a dog. Very sweet, very kind. She's an old lady. She's like 12 years old now.
It's very weird when your dog starts really aging in a visible way, because they look the same all the time. They're just like a happy dog. Their colors are the same.
And all of a sudden, it's like, oh, your face is different now. Oh, you're feeling time passing the same way I am. This is so weird. Even faster, because your little lives are so much shorter.
Why? Why, God?
What kind of just God would allow this? Can I slander God right now? Yeah, God's bullshit. I mean, God.
Just no last name. No last name.
Pam's so cool. She'll just walk into the office, and she knows everybody loves her. So she just kind of walks over, and she's like, it's time to give me my pets. And then everyone gives a tour, because you got it. And then she's just kind of like, all right, bye. And just goes into her office. Yeah.
Ally and I have decided that Pam is an ally, that Pam is an LGBT ally. And we're very happy to have Pam. That happened, Ally and I sit next to each other. And Pam comes up, and we're loving on Pam as one must. And we noticed Pam has a rainbow collar. It is, in fact, she is an ally. That collar, so Pam's other mom worked at a big pet company, basically.
And so a line of collars they had were flags. And so she got a free rainbow flag collar. So it was the pride flag.
That's great. We should slander the company. All right, speaking of slandering companies, do y'all want to play a game? Let's do it. Ooh. Let's do it.
It's the job name your least favorite brands. Well, it does involve one star reviews. The game is called One Star Review. Whoa. So I'm going to pull out a one star review from this bag.
I'm going to read it to the three of you. You have to tell me the location where it is. It's a location? Yeah, that's what I've been told. You have to tell me the location where you think it's at. The answer is on it. OK, it is a location.
Is everyone ready? I'm in. Wonderful. One star. Here we go.
I went there and got drunk on wine. Then they rudely told me to leave because it wasn't safe.
I don't understand why, but went the next day and they let me on. I was perfectly fine the next day. And they day before, I think, OK, bye. They let you on? So they let them on.
Yeah. It has one thumbs up as well, if that helps anyone. So an unsafe boat. Is part of being let back on? Or? Well, in your Yelp review, one other yelper saw this and thought, this is helpful. This helped me out. OK, so this person is correct. So it's a boat that someone said was unsafe. Is it the Santa Maria? I'm guessing it doesn't serve alcohol. Is my guess. That's right.
Yeah, this person's not supposed to be drinking wine there. Could it be like a whale watching tour? No, no, no, they serve alcohol on those. You've got to get fucking trashed if you're watching whales. Did you take a drunken whale watching tour?
I had a roommate that was terrified, but just in awe of whales. Wow. Such beautiful creatures.
And so we were going to go on a whale watching tour. So I put a lot of planning into one that ultimately we forgot we were supposed to be at and never used the tickets for.
What? Being terrified of whales is a really, like, what? Is one going to get you?
Because they're such beautiful, majestic creatures. Like, the fact that they can exist and see parts of the world that no one else can, like, think about it. Like, the ocean, it's so big. And whales are so big.
What secrets do they know down there? Are so small compared to it. Yeah, they know about it. They know what's down there. Yeah, they've seen the bottom, baby.
But I don't think this is a boat. You don't think it's a boat?
Oh, that's right. Did we establish it? Or maybe it's broadly just whales, the country. But I'm going to think that it's a Hollywood tour bus. OK. Interesting. Whale boat, Hollywood tour bus, the Santa Maria? Christopher Columbus's Santa Maria. OK.
You're all wrong. I was nervous that I said boat when everyone went on this boat thing. I was like, shit.
It was the Eiffel Tower. The Eiffel Tower. That's where they got on. Now, what could make the Eiffel Tower unsafe, I wonder? What? In the review. They said they made me leave because they said it was unsafe. To be drunk on the Eiffel Tower?
You would fall over. No, not me. I'm sure of foot. Well, you're as tall as it. A totally non-clumsy, tall person.
I can hang. I can listen. The thing about the clumsiness, it's all for show. I'm a trained ballet dancer. You guys want to peek behind the curtain? I glide through the office like a goddamn bird. It's wonderful watching me. It's wonderful watching me from my point of view.
Has anyone been to the Eiffel Tower? I was going to ask that.
No.
Lisa has. Anybody over here? Does it feel unsafe? So I could drink a couple and just kind of chill? Damn, it sounds like the guy who works there is a tight ass. All right, your turn. Lisa's all of our boss and is in the room watching right now. She says it is safe and there's a restaurant she's not miked. She says everyone go and get drunk on the Eiffel Tower. OK, I've got it covered. You can look here. So this is a one-star review. Good luck to all of you.
I rate it one star because it smells like the McDonald's Playhouse. That's such a distinct smell. So a clue that it's not the McDonald's Playhouse. It's not a McDonald's Playhouse. Is that it? That's the whole review. So what in your mind smells the most like a McDonald's Playhouse?
But it shouldn't. Or shouldn't. That's true.
I guess it smells like a McDonald's Playhouse, smells most like, or a Discovery Zone. What does a McDonald's Playhouse smell like? I just think French fries. A bunch of little kid farts in there.
My cousin peed in one once, and then it went down the slide and we all had to evacuate the play pad. I felt like I almost drowned and the ball pit wants to. Drowned? I bet you didn't. A lot of time in the McDonald's Playhouse. I felt like I was stuck.
Well, the McDonald's was near the Walmart. So we'd go to the Walmart and then we would eat McDonald's because we were, you know. Well, you were at the Walmart. We were at the Walmart, so you got to go to McDonald's.
Tell me again, what country did you grow up in? In Jersey, baby. We had one of the biggest, best Walmarts there ever was. That's a good promo for Jersey. I come to Jersey, we got a big ass Walmart.
I'm worried it's a hospital. I'm worried that it's a hospital because they can have that sort of disinfectant smell, but maybe it wasn't clean enough. I could see that. So we've got one guess, a hospital. I hope not.
I'm going to say some type of hotel, like the Ritz Carlton. OK. Now, have you ever stayed in a Ritz Carlton? No. Didn't you hear my McDonald's Walmart story? They went to there from the Ritz Carlton in Jersey. Yeah, any time you're at the Ritz Carlton, then you go to the Walmart, then you go to the McDonald's. A friend of mine used to throw great birthday parties. And one year we went to, I guess it wasn't the Ritz Carlton. It was the Waldorf Astoria.
And we crashed somebody's reception. You go, you had to show up dressed really well, and then the whole party just crashed a bunch of other parties. Is this just the bottom wedding pressure?
Oh, I thought you were like a little dapper boy. I was, but that's unrelated to the story. I thought this was a child's party. You stopped throwing birthday parties?
It's an adult. Yeah, kind of. Me too. Yeah.
People who throw really elaborate birthdays past like 23 or something seems a little odd. My mom made me stop throwing birthday parties for myself when I was eight. She said I was too old. She said it's selfish to ask a bunch of people to come over and give you presents.
And then she took a long drag of her cigarette and burned it out of my face. She made me live with the penguins and I became a Batman villain.
Anyway, I'm gonna say a, I like the hotel one. That's a really good one. I'm sorry, it's taken.
And I was gonna say a vet, but a hospital's almost the same thing. I think they're different. What about a hotel for vets? It's like a hotel for dogs, but not, it's a sequel. But actually just for people.
I'm gonna go for a candle store. Okay. Because probably all candle stores definitely should not have a candle store. Like, that'd be bad. Well, you're all wrong. It's the Sydney Opera House. Oh. It gets one star because it smells like McDonald's Playhouse. I'm seeing a trend.
Oh, yeah, like big places. Landmarks. Landmarks, that was the word I was looking for.
And now, in this guy's defense, they were at that production of Tosco when Tosco was eating a Big Mac.
And, uh, I don't know what you're looking for. Yeah, you know?
I've never been to the Sydney Opera House, does it smell? I've never been to Australia. I've never been to Australia either.
I'd love to go everywhere when they're so hot. I assumed it would smell more like suntan lotion and like.
Yeah, right? Like, something that, like, you know. Why would they fish? Because it's right on the water. Yeah, okay, I could see that.
I went to Venice. That place fucking stinks. It was gorgeous. Every corner is like a postcard, but boy, I went in the summer, too, so it was cooking up. A stinky town.
Sure. Full of Italians. Ugh. Hey, Mama Mia. You guys ready for a little action? Let's go. I'm ready.
One star, six months ago. I'll give you a little answer. So it's open six months ago. Found a hair in my food, rang up to get a refund as I didn't want any more food due to finding a hair, and had them arguing with me over the phone. They have got no manners, and their customer service is shocking. One star. And one comes up. Here's the thing, because hair and food, I mean, I'm not psyched if it's there, but I'm not gonna send it back.
Like, everyone. I feel forgiving. Everyone can calm down a little bit.
Like, what's on the hair that's not just in the air already? Like, what do you still worry about?
Would you rather find a fingernail? No. Oh, no. If I found a fingernail, there would be a problem. A fingernail would be bad, because I think someone's trimmed their fingernails in there.
It's also like the beginning of like a David Lynch move. Like, am I like going on some kind of quest?
I guess it's just the nail. How much of the nail am I finding? Just a clipping, a clipping. What if there's two nails in your food? There's two, would you start an adventure to find whose nails they were? Yeah, or to find more nails.
I'd just write a Yelp review. One star.
I had a friend who at a Mexican restaurant found a band-aid in his food. He was losing a friend. He was my sister's boyfriend. But he found a band-aid in his food.
You don't like his sister's boyfriend? You're not friends? No, they're not done anymore, so it doesn't matter. Hell yeah.
But they found a band-aid in his Mexican food, and then they came back, and the management tried to lie, and they were like, oh no, it was like a tamale casing. And my sister is rather outspoken, so she forcibly went into the kitchen and dug through and was like, here's the band-aid. Like, you guys don't even serve tamales. And then, so then they got that band-aid tested, and they found poop particles on it. Oh my gosh! Like, it turned into this whole thing where this poor guy had to go and get tested for E. coli, because this was like four or five years ago during an E. coli thing. And then it turned into this whole thing, and they wanted to give them free food for life, and then obviously they don't want to go there anymore to eat shitty Mexican food.
There's poop on everything. Like, the world is just vaguely covered in people's pissy ass shit.
Yeah, I guess we all guessed that restaurant. Oh, time out. It's not specifically like a restaurant. I'll give you that clue.
I don't want it.
You guys would just think restaurants. Okay, but they do have food. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, any major food attraction.
I can also sympathize with maybe a band-aid, because chefs cut themselves a lot, and maybe it just fell. Everyone's doing the best they can. No one, I think, intentionally put it. Okay, so if it's- Don't cook with band-aids.
That's gonna make me think that it's like a movie theater or something. I got the vibe where it was somewhere where you wouldn't even expect, like, that I would expect a hair, and maybe not mine, but this person doesn't like that, is the vibe that I get. So I'm gonna say a movie.
The Sydney Opera House is movie theater. The theater and the theater.
Yeah, someplace non-traditional that serves food. There's an incredible restaurant at the Museum of Modern Art called The Modern. I just want everyone to know how cultured. They have the best hair in their food. They have an incredible wine program, an amazing hairy food.
Program? Stop. That's right.
I'm an asshole. Don't ever get to know me.
So I guess my guess is going to be the Museum of Modern Art. I like it, I like it. I'm gonna say the gift shop slash restaurant presumably at the park station at the Grand Canyon. I like that. There's a hair in my food at the Grand Canyon. It was very funny to me.
I called and they did nothing.
And it was a moose hair. I want to talk to that moose. That was probably the closest actually, was Niagara Falls. Wow. Hey. So geographically only about 2,000 miles away.
Niagara Falls is such a funny place to me. Because I'd love to go, and it's supposed to be beautiful, but we were reading the article last week about what a popular honeymoon destination it was like in the 50s. And so they have all these like 1950s style romantic hotels with heart shaped beds and jacuzzi rooms and stuff.
Well, that one was in the Poconos. That's right, that's right.
And people were sharing around the office. Isn't this place crazy? And I was like, yeah, my ex took me there. And the place has a giant glass champagne thing. Truly giant, almost up to the ceiling that you and your lover can sit in and have someone come to your private suite and take a picture of you sitting in like a bubble bath in this. I loved it there. They had a really good salmon at their buffet. I'm so into shit like that. I'm so into like 50s kitsch, like Americana travel style things. It was us and like older couples in their 50s and me and this guy when I was like in my younger 20s. Yeah, it was a blast.
I'm scared of those places. Since the movie The Bride of Chucky, they're in one of those kitschy rooms on a big heart-shaped bed and they die from all the glass fine on top of them. They just feel like big, ornate, giant glass.
There was when you first walked in like the floor and then there was a hole in the floor that was a window and you looked down and there was like our own little private pool there. And then you walked down steps and it was the heart-shaped tub in our bed that had some mirrors around it. And then you like go down another thing of steps and then that's how you got to the pool.
That's incredible. It was all carpeted, like a very wet carpeted place. I mean, it was bizarre. There was a nice lake to walk around. Oh, that sounds beautiful.
Did your room smell like pool? That's like my favorite. I love that smell of like swimming pool. No, no, I'm with you, I'm with you. I was on the swim team for a while. Well, no, I'm delving into it. And I like that smell on people.
And that's as far as we need to get. I don't know, that story has so much exposition being left out of it. I can go ahead and pull it. Sure, yeah, what about the other one, Star Reveals? Sure, what I need to tell you about the showers. Go ahead, Lauren, what do we got?
All right, nine months ago. No. One star. All right. That's it. So then. You said nine months and I thought of some type of like gynecological place that maybe just this pregnant woman wasn't super into. So I'm just gonna go with my gut there. Okay. Sounds, no. I was hoping for a gut joke about pregnancy and nothing, I'm drawing a blank.
So, what do we got over here? How are you guys doing? You guys doing okay?
I'm just sitting in it, I'm just sitting in it dying. You wanna make a guess? Yeah, I think I do. It's an easy exit. I'm gonna go ahead and say. I'm gonna do music for people who might just be listening while you're thinking. Sure, please.
One thumbs up, so someone found this review helpful, but only one person found this review helpful. How is that a helpful review?
So let's see, it's something really shitty. Well, let me think of my least favorite brands and I'll say one of them. Um. I think that this is a one star review of the Lincoln Memorial.
Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. That's the pointy one, right?
No, it's the one with Lincoln, nevermind. No, it's the Washington Monument. He's sitting in there. Lincoln has Lincoln. Fair enough. Lincoln was his narcissist and so he had to have that in there.
I'll steal your guess. I'm gonna go with Grand Canyon. I feel like that's something that expectations would be high and you'd be like, eh. Whoa, no one would say that about the Grand Canyon. It's not that grand. It was breathtaking, you'd never win if that's what you're saying.
I've never been.
Okay, I should go. All right, it's the Amazon rainforest. Grand Canyon's the closest. Right? I'll take the point. I would say so. Okay. Of the entire rainforest, eh, of the whole place.
Maybe I went to a shitty part. I don't know. Honestly, anyone who goes to the Amazon rainforest and uses Yelp, you're a bad person. I agree with that. Do any of you Yelp, do any of you Yelp reviews? Every once in a while I'm driven to and I write it out and then it's like, create an account. And I'm like, oh, I'm not that mad. I just leave it. I got the app on my phone to get something for free at some sort of a festival or event.
And now every once in a while Yelp will be like, hey, I see you're at this restaurant. You know, they offer great margaritas. Consume, consume, consume. Fuck you. Yelp is great for that.
I have a friend who's boyfriend. He gives these super, super pretentious scathing reviews that he'll go off on this restaurant about one of his sides being wrong or it not being very good, that he'll review it like a film critic because he is a filmmaker. And, sorry, I won't mention his name. Damn. But he gives these super scathing things.
He's like, you don't know shit about food. You don't know shit about anything.
Yeah. I won't disparage the company at all because I've been asked not to. But I'll say this, anyone who uses Yelp is a piece of shit. Oh my god. Quite frankly, has no business being a part of a civilized society.
All right, I'm ready to go. Here we go. Review services, not Yelp specific. That's right. It's like a, yeah, a nonspecific review service that has a red logo. Here we go. A shitty red logo.
Dirty, dangerous place. If you want to get robbed or murdered, go there. 10 months ago, one person found the cell phone. Shitty, dangerous place. If you want to get robbed or murdered, go there.
It sounds like my relatives talking about certain neighborhoods. Let's see. Is it just like Times Square? Is it like an iconic location that everyone goes to and is totally fine and commercialized? Yeah, it can't be someplace dangerous. Disneyland, I'm saying Disneyland.
I'll stick with Times Square. I'll stick with that.
That's a good one. The Roman Colosseum. Oh, I think TJ's the closest. It's Christ the Redeemer statue in Brazil. Oh, wow. I love that statue. I like that one too. That's a really cool statue. That's this one? Yeah. That's a good statue. Five stars.
Yeah, to call the statue that, I know areas in Brazil can be pretty rough, but it's just a statue. A statue's not gonna rob you. The statue can't. The statue doesn't move.
Unless, of course, it's like Night at the Museum. It costs no life at night. What a lonely night at the Museum.
But just one statue has to run down the hill. It's a goblin dude and come back up.
Okay, this is a one-star review from a month ago. Wow. Ooh, fresh.
Experience is great, but the staff were rude. They want only well-behaved toddlers to be there at blank. Toddler having a meltdown is not allowed. The parents are supposed to pick up the child who's having a bad meltdown no matter what.
Fuck this person. First of all, fuck them for leaving a Yelp review.
Second of all, I thought that was part of the review. No. It's a big one. I'm gonna say Chuck E. Cheese.
I would, if the last one wasn't so religious, I would think it was like a famous, I like that, or something. Though I guess these seem to consistently buck the expectation. They're all like international attractions. They're all places that might have been mentioned in Where on the World is Carmen Sandiego. Maybe it's Notre Dame.
Okay. Damn. What's an international hotspot for kids? Mount Rushmore. They love it. He's just crawling up his nose. That's where Richie Rich lived. I like Disneyland for this one. Okay. That's a very good guess. All of you are wrong. It's the Space Needle. Oh. In Seattle, Washington.
Yeah, when they see that pointy thing, kids go crazy. This, though, speaks to like, don't bring kids anywhere. Don't bring toddlers to things. What are you talking about? Where are they supposed to put their children? They're not supposed to put them anywhere.
They're supposed to, I'm sorry, you have a toddler, you don't get to go do things. Oh my God. You don't get to go do things. You have to stay at home, or only go to kid places. You had a kid. That's your punishment.
You know, like, yeah, I don't want to have, if I want to go to the Space Needle, I don't want some screaming toddler there. They should be kicked out. I hate that thing. As soon as my kid comes out, I'm taking it to the Space Needle.
Right away. You're like, wrap that thing up to go. We're out of here. Those were Grant's personal thoughts. That's right.
I do not reflect, might chill my day. Those are not the views of. College Humor's pro parent, I am not. One star, five months ago, no likes.
A bad memory in my life. Bad memory.
Now, I want to go church again. Like, what's this someone's way? It's like, I stay the same as last time. I'm going to say the Great Wall of China.
Is this a review of my ex David's apartment? Ooh, no, I'm sorry. Did you write it after all that? I better have. Is he with someone else now? Oh, that'd be for next time, the game. We have to write the reviews. No, I have lovely memories of David. Everything went well. I really screwed that up. I wasn't ready to commit. Man, I'm sorry, this took a turn. So, okay, let's see. A bad memory in my life.
Why don't I go with... I don't know.
Navy Pier in Chicago. Oh, that's pretty close. It is actually the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh! Oh, boy. Yes, you got a pier and a wall.
People kill themselves there. I don't know if that's necessarily... Oh, that was very sad one time I wanted to see. He wrote a review, so he made it. Yeah, it's sad there. Was that...
Oh, wait, we have one more. The final... Okay, what are our points? I think TJ is winning. Sure, I'll take it. Yeah. For the points we remember to give TJ. With a score of zero, TJ is winning. Yeah, let's get this one.
Send us the waves. All right, if you can't see me, I'm staring deeply into everyone's eyes, telling them the answer.
All right, one star. Two weeks ago. Not useful to anyone, no likes.
Too high, I couldn't breathe, and made me gassy. Too spelled T-O. No, I wonder if it was too high in the air, or if they were too high when they were there. They smoked too much of that loud, you know what I mean? They hit that ganja. I did think it was that at first, but now so clearly it is the height. After being said out loud. I've lived in California too long.
Empire State Building. Go with the tall building. Too high. Mount Kilimanjaro. The IAC building. Or I'm too high right now.
Thanks for having me, IAC. They're our parent company. The C stands for cannabis. I may not have should have said that.
Who was right? Who thought it exactly right?
I'm gonna say you were the closest Jess, it's Machu Picchu. Ooh! What are you going to Machu Picchu for if you don't wanna be high up in the air?
I hate that. It was just too high, it was higher than I thought. I knew it would be climbing, but come on.
Just shave a little off the top. Just shave off a little bit.
Does altitude make you gassy? I feel like everything makes me gassy. It doesn't make you gassy?
No. Oh wait, yes it does. When you were in a plane, you were gassy. Everyone is farting into those flight chairs. That's true. Is that just because you're in a contained area? That's because you're in a contained area and you can fart anonymously. No, I think it's the altitude. I would say it's the opposite. Like if I fart on a plane, you know, I can't walk away from it. I'm sitting there and it's just being held. Yeah. Well, nobody's using the bathrooms too. Like you don't want to go over anyone. I feel like that's going to lead to more farts. More than the altitude. I think it's pushing on your body and it's pushing out the gas. The pressure's less, isn't it?
I guess it's a pressurized cabin. It's a pressurized cabin.
That's probably good. Moving on. I'm glad this got an actual tangent.
Speaking of farts, Grant, don't you have a fart of a sketch that never got made that we should give a look at? So every podcast, we read one sketch that we've written. We write tons of sketches. For all the ones we write, you see a very small amount of them. And this is one that Grant wrote that never saw the light of day. Would you like to give us a little interlude? Yeah, this is one that I wrote that actually I'm glad TJ's here for because this would have been a real heavy TJ piece. Thank you for shutting it down. This is a sketch I wrote.
You really have to be familiar with the movie The King of Kong, which might be a reason we didn't make it. Never heard of that. Is it a King Kong movie? Yeah, it's a documentary about people playing King Kong.
Donkey Kong. I'm sorry, yes, Donkey Kong.
He got revoked though. He's no longer the leader. He took it away from him. I forgot why.
Ooh, we need a sequel. That's a great movie. I'm pretty sure that he's no longer the dude. I can say without slander that The King of Kong is an excellent film.
As I've written a parody of it, but it is sickly, for my sketch comedy job. So let's see, I'll read stage. Lauren, would you read Katie? Sure. TJ, would you read Zach? This was written. Zach Oyama was still on staff. And Jess, would you read Trap? Sure.
I believe those are the only three people. I will pick it up if there's anything that we need. The Tinder Game by Grant O'Brien. Interior Office Day.
Zach and Katie are talking in hushed tones. I still don't understand Trap's motive for killing Pat.
He wanted to be head writer. Be head writer?
Like behead, like beheading since he killed Pat? Jesus, Katie.
On the other side of the office, Trap, or one of the new cast members, is giving people a heads up about Grant. He approaches several different groups and tells them. No matches in your area coming up. Grant's got a no matches screen coming if you want to watch. Grant's playing Tinder, guys. As Trap lets the group know, they rush off to watch. Ooh, let's go. He leads them to the common area where a small crowd is gathering around Grant.
He's on his phone swiping. He never takes his eyes off the screen. He wears a wrist guard. What are we watching? Grant's playing Tinder. He's the best I've ever seen. We see Grant's screen. He's swiping really quickly, barely even looking at the pictures. Oh, look how fast he's going. How can he even tell what he's looking at?
Practice. He can sense if people will be cool with fucking twice and never talking again. A video gamer seated next to Grant, it gives him a big sip of a gulp of, gives him a, a video gamer seated next to Grant gives him a sip of a big gulp of Mountain Dew. He gets a match. There's a collective ooh from the crowd. Grant considers what to do for a moment, then clicks keep playing. There's a small smattering of applause.
Great strategy. He doesn't want to match a message right away. It comes off desperate. Cool. Is it? I don't get it. Is there a right and wrong way to Tinder? There is if you want to win. What does it mean to win at Tinder? Weiner and puss. Grant bites into a Twizzler and gets another match, then another match. It looks like he's going to strike. Streak? Oh, streak, streak. They group people we've swiped right on you together, so you get a bunch of matches in a row. Cool. Is it? There's a lot going on during a streak, so you have to choose who to talk to carefully. Grant clicks into a profile of a match.
Now he's going to start recon. First, he does a deep dive into the pictures.
Is there good variety? Do their friends look boring? If there's a guy, does he ever have a stupid beard?
There are none of these. There are none of those on this profile.
Grant sends a message reading, hey, how's your Tuesday so far?
Ah, the Romanoff opening. The Romanoff gambit?
My mistake. Bad writing on my part.
There are different philosophies on how to start conversations. You could get specific about something for the pictures or profile, but he likes to open soft. Yeah, slow play it. Exactly. Open with a question, but an innocuous one. Let them dictate the terms of the conversation. Cool. Is it? Grant drinks something from a brand that I'm not going to say right now. He gets a response to his message, so far so good.
You, the crowd is worried. Oof, this is the danger of slow playing. You get a response that you can't do anything with. Oh, what's he gonna do? Why do you both care so much?
It's always fun to watch video games. But this isn't? The crowd cheers a bit.
Grant has responded, good thanks. I'm eating some pretty killer hummus. Wow. Brilliant. He brought up something that everyone likes, but that seems niche. She'll have a big response. The response comes, OMG, I love hummus.
What kind? But he's not eating hummus.
Yeah, Katie, it's a lie. It's okay to lie to strangers. Awful.
Grant responds, supremely spicy hummus. I know what I'm doing. Oh, he sounds so dangerous. Cool. It definitely isn't. Music, pinball wizard parody. He's a tender wizard. He's gonna get laid. He'd flirt in real life, but that makes him afraid. Grant gets a message from someone else. How are you? He responds, good thanks. I'm eating some pretty killer hummus. Applause.
He swipes through one more person and gets no more matches. It gets a no more matches in your area screen.
Everyone but Katie cheers and goes back to work. Woo!
Oh, bad. And this is a sketch that we will not make. Why? It was great. It wasn't a part of a sketch. It was a fun time. Why do you think we're not making it? I don't know. I think that's a good sketch. I can't, ordinarily like a trap or a Rekha's on this sketch to tell us why we're not making something, but I don't know.
I think that thing's gold. This room green light set. That's right. We'll let everybody know.
Lisa?
Green light. We got a green light and we set.
I wrote this. Trap commented once. I was on set on Tinder. And Trap commented, like, you're going so fast.
Because, you know, you gotta tell pretty quickly. Like, if something doesn't peak your interest right away, you swipe left. And if it does, you explore a little bit.
Tinder's great fun. Tinder's, I know. I met my fiancee right before Tinder became a thing.
So I truly sometimes just don't, I feel sad that I'm not a part of it sometimes. Because it's such a cultural thing. Everybody knows it and I don't understand how it works. I mean, I vaguely understand how it works. I miss the whole thing.
I've had Tinder on my phone for like 30 minutes for a sketch, for the shining sketches. That Tinder was like a big part. And I didn't know what it looked like. Similarly, I've been in a relationship since like right before Tinder.
Yeah. So when I see friends doing it, I'm always like, it does seem fast, though. Maybe Trapp also missed him in Lord of the River. Yes, yeah.
Trapp has been with his wife now since before Tinder. I too am in a long-term relationship and cannot relate.
So. I've gotta tell you guys. Listen, no, I've gotta tell you.
We're living in the golden age of dating. This is a wonderful time to be single. You can meet all different kinds of people in many, many more ways. Certainly, there are problems with online dating. Though, I would say that most of those are societal problems that are merely exposed by online dating, not necessarily caused by online dating.
Yeah. It's a joy. It's so much fun. I think that's true.
I know so many people who are in happy relationships that met online. The majority of people wants that all started. Yeah, that's how you meet people. I think that's how everyone meets now. What's so nice about it is it's like a space where it's like, we're all here to meet a person to date.
Like, you know, if you're out at a bar or something, it's like, do I wanna bother someone? Do I wanna walk up and get rejected in front of people? Like, you know, are they just out for the night? Are they not looking to get hit on?
I do think there is a culture of, I was on like Plenty of Fish and stuff like that. Just none of the apps. But I think there is a culture of people who just broke up with somebody and they're on there just like, I just have to do something right now, but aren't ready, I feel like, was a lot of people, myself included as well. Some prime targets.
Yeah. Oh yeah. Tremendous, that's great. Tremendous. That's good, yeah.
Then I won't get, you know, then I won't start dating. I have a Peter Pan complex, you see. I'm gonna be a little boy forever.
And it's really wonderful. It's a wonderful time to do that in human history is to, you know, have arrested development. Oh, I think for a minute, it's been all of history that you get to enjoy that. We get to enjoy ourselves till we die, it's great.
Yeah, just have that up. Yeah, have at it. I feel that.
I skipped being 27 by accident, that I thought I was 26 for two years and now. What do you think was supposed to happen? I'm about to turn 28. I don't know. What the fuck are you talking about? You forgot you were 27? Yeah, we had like a team building thing here and we had like a thing where to like add up people's ages and stuff and I just slipped through 26. I thought that I was, like honestly was, I wasn't lying on purpose.
The older I get, it truly is hard to remember my birthday. They all kind of become one. Yeah, I should start throwing myself birthdays. I guess only Grant's friend is having birthday parties.
That's right, yeah. So that's probably why. I wasn't allowed. Well, that's bizarre. That's a, I don't know. It's not to unpack. Yeah, that's a boy, a boy.
Later this month, I'll turn 28 though. Happy birthday.
I'll let you guys know when it happens. That sounds great. If it happens.
What are we doing? I don't know. Where we going, Ritz? I don't know, you said not to get to know you personally, so.
That's true, I'm bad news. Ritz, Ritz. All right, I'm there. I'm going to the Ritz. All right. I'll crash the party over there.
Now it's time to answer some fan questions you guys wrote on our Discord, and we would love to answer these questions. I'll fill time. Thank you. That was done professionally. I do want to compliment your pinball wizard parody singing. That was wonderful.
I love the who so much. I love the who, I love Tommy. I was just going to say, Tommy is such a great film album.
I understudied the guy who originated the role of Tommy on Broadway in a show, this guy Michael Cerveris, who's this fucking great actor. If anyone is into musical theater or just good singing and acting, look up Michael Cerveris.
I didn't know who that was. Was he in Rent? Or was he in something else?
I don't believe so.
He was in Sweeney Todd with Patti LuPone. He was in Assassins, which is one of my favorite musicals. Oh, that's a great one too. He's a fucking mensch of a man, and he's a wonderful actor. I was in a musical with him. Oh, wow. I sing on the albums.
Let's hear a little. I don't think I'm allowed. Let's hear as much as we can legally. I don't think I'm allowed at all.
A note. Don't use words and change the notes.
Yeah.
All right, here is our first fan question. Does everyone at College Humor come from a strictly comedy background from Brown Coat B? I do, but I imagine the two of you do not. Not at all. Not necessarily.
I mean, I've worked here a lot over the past five years, so certainly this place is a part of my background, but I've also done a lot of food stuff. How'd you get it started in producing? I was actually a theater major in college.
Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And while I was in college, I sort of switched to production management and nonprofit work, and so I was doing a lot of stuff with theater companies and also just with other nonprofits that were sort of like education-based or focused more on social justice and disparity in terms of education access, stuff like that. And then a lot of my friends were moving to Los Angeles, and I was gonna stay on the East Coast, and I sort of applied to a nonprofit thing on a whim, and they were like, yes, we think you're great. Can you be here within the week?
And I was like, no, I can't. I'm certainly not gonna do that.
But then that was like, okay, if you move there, you'll find a job. You're going to find a job if you move to LA, and then just sort of fell into actually doing production work and start PA-ing and go up that ladder, and that's how I... Good for you, that's ballsy and confident. I didn't move anywhere for so long because I was like, I'll never get a job in anything. That's a risky mindset. I'll just move to LA and I'll get a job.
I did it! And you did it!
That's cool. I like that people at our company, I think it's helpful, I think clearly all the writers come from a comedy background, but outside of it, I think sometimes it is helpful when people have comedy experience because you can talk to them. It's kind of like a language that you both understand and things that you're trying to hit. But I also like that when people don't have that because sometimes it can become comedy, comedy, comedy, and it's so like in that world that you're not thinking like, if you're trying to do a parody of something, it needs to look like the thing that you're trying to parody, or if you need a little bit of outside things as well, otherwise it just kind of becomes, it's like, what is that?
The snake eating its own tail.
No, I agree. I think that most people that work here are funny, but not necessarily coming out of the comedy.
We're like, hey, yeah, because how did you start in VFX? Well, I started as an editor originally that I went to school for, well, I guess we didn't have a proper film program. I went to school at the University of Florida.
I did a, from there on graduation day, I drove back to my hometown, sold my car, and then moved to New York the day after that. And then- Whoa, everyone has crazy stories of what they did. I went home and lived in my parents' house and answered calls about bed bugs. Eric?
I'm sorry. Damn, I'm sorry.
But I was an intern originally, and then it was like a really tiny company, so we were making like some tech shows and stuff that required a lot of graphics and animation and stuff, so through there I was like such a new hire for the company being made. I was able to raise up pretty quick there. And then, so editing turned into also picking up, wearing the hat of doing the motion graphics. So then after working there for a couple years, that company moved me to L.A., and then that didn't last too much longer after that, but that was like, I was fortunate to go from student to editor, or student, intern, editor, animator, visual effects artist through only like two jobs. Yeah, that's awesome. And then like a year of freelance in between, but that was like editing for web, because it's a little competitive. I think what stops people from doing what they want to do too is they think they don't have like enough experience or don't know enough, but you learn so much during your job too.
Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Especially in the general like sphere of the industry we're in, at the lower level, it's all so broad. And so if you just like have a drive to do something and you want to learn, you can quickly identify people that are going to help you gain those skills on the job. At least that's how I feel. Yeah, totally. Especially like the creative industry or entertainment, like there's so many tiers of quality in which content is being made that if you were to want to do visual effects, or if you wanted to edit or write, there you kind of just start in like a little bit of a lower tier doing things for web, or doing things maybe for free even, or doing things with your friends, and which is like so easy to like, you get good at it, and then you kind of go up the next tier, and then you still learn a shitload, and a shitload more, until there's so much shit, it levels you back down.
Until you're like, oh, I was wrong. You're just talking shit.
Lovely. Next question from Zweezer.
The podcasters sometimes differentiate between college humor and dropout. I'm interested in what the difference is between these companies structurally, and how that manifests in the day to day. Yeah, let's hear about some corporate structure. Corporate, drop out.
So dropout is the subscription service. When you subscribe to dropout, you're getting college humor content, but you're also getting access to the larger shows. Troopers, as we've mentioned, the super secret project that we're working on right now that is awesome, and our biggest thing yet, all of those projects, those larger scale projects are dropout projects. The sketches are college humor. The college humor that you've known and loved from the internet for, oh, those many years. That's not going anywhere, but dropout gives us an opportunity to make larger stuff. So if you're watching this on YouTube, or listening to it as a podcast, you're a fucking cheapskate, pony up a little bit, asshole, and it's not that expensive. And I think, yeah, all of the cast at this point now has their foot in some type of dropout project. So we kind of are both in college humor and dropout. There's some freelancers that we bring on to work on, like this project that TJ was talking about earlier, that are just working on that, I almost said the name of the show, just working on that show, so. Just call it Yelp. So they are technically under more of the dropout umbrella than college humor. There's some people who come in and just film our sketches, and then they would be under the college humor umbrella.
So that's kind of the difference. But it's all in the same office. It's all kind of the same thing, too. It's one of those things. Any other thoughts on the differences? Well, dropout also has content from like Drawfee and from Dorkly, like the other brands that are associated with college humor, but aren't college humor. It's a home for all of us. So it is just, the larger tier stuff is what's referred to as dropout content.
Yeah. And it's getting stuff sooner, too. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can see the college humor sketches early. You can hang out with us in the Discord. Get dropout. Come on.
Next question. Are you a good salesman? Looking back, is there anything you would change about a sketch or project you wrote or made?
Noah R. S bit. I don't know what that means. So many. I know, yeah.
I feel like, well, the thing about sketches here is there's such a quick turnaround. So on Monday, we pitched the ideas and they're picked. You write them up for Thursday. You get notes in the room when we read it aloud. And then it's due Monday, right? And then, so it's not like, okay, we have, I mean, if you really feel like you want a second read through of it, of course you could. But it's pretty much expected. Like, we kind of read it once you get some notes and then it goes. And either we do it or we don't do it. And even with working for Maude at UCB, we'd have like a whole month to write these sketches and that felt fast, but this is way faster.
So I feel like there's so many times, even as we're filming it where I'm like, God, I want to change this. Could we say this line? Could we say that line? And then you see the cuts and you're like, oh, I wish we got this. Or, oh, why did I write this like that?
Like, I just think always feeling constantly like things, not that things feel unfinished, but that things could always be getting better. And I think all you can do is take those notes and thoughts to the next thing that you make and hope that it applies to something else and just hope that your stuff gets better and better. Yeah, I agree with that. Like, the speed, I actually really like the quick turnarounds because it's, there's a lot of opportunity to make stuff. And having a long, long time doesn't necessarily make things better. It just makes things different sometimes. Yeah.
There is a sketch that famously got taken down from YouTube that Mike Trapp wrote about dating a fast food sandwich. And at the end, I fuck a hoagie. Oh, no, that got taken down. And that got taken down.
It's two-parted graphic. And I don't wish I'd changed that. So I guess this is a bad answer to the question. But if I had fucked that sandwich. I guess I wish I fucked two sandwiches. Yeah, I fucked it too graphically.
And I felt bad because that was a sketch that Trapp wrote and Zach was in. Although Trapp wrote that moment. So really, this is Trapp's fault.
I just did what I was told. Grant fucked a lot of food in 2017. Yeah, I really, I took care of business with some snacks. TJ, Lauren?
I guess, I mean, to repeat the same sentiment, we are in a pretty tight time crunch. So in a lot of the sketches, I know a lot of it gets written without maybe a full understanding of what it's gonna be on post-production. So when there's specifically the sketch with is this sketch branded, there's a 3D car that drives in and blinks lights and stuff. And it was super hectic then. So it ended up going through with an error on my end. So there's little things like that or like. Now, some of that's a speed. A lot of that, though, is just I'm dumb and don't know how production really works.
Is that something that only you noticed? Because that was a sketch that was very well received. And I don't remember reading or hearing anything about this until right now. There's four or five people in the comments section who noticed. So those obviously are. We read it and it sticks with us. Those are the only comments I remember.
I mean, obviously. Of course. Because they hit the thing that you noticed and felt. Any time I read one where people are writing shit on something that I wrote and if it is the thing that I too was like, damn, I wish I did change that about it. And then it's like, well, fuck. What you gonna do? Yeah. And a lot of the times they are, like the things I would change are the ones that are well received just because they're the ones that require the most work. Yeah.
And then the K.D.'s minority report computer, it was so rushed. I didn't have time to spend three days designing an entire interface for these thousand things that are called out in the script. So it's like, oh, I had to simplify it greatly and then it looks pretty. I mean, for a five minute sketch it looks good. But I like to be able to design the elements. I like to be able to treat every project, like a full project that I was hired specifically for that to treat everything like the companies, my client, to be able to give options and stuff. And just so many times it's like, ooh, this gotta, we gotta get this fast.
TJ just did a great job on sleeping over at somebody's house for the first time, which will probably be out by the time you hear this. Check that out. That is a sketch. I did not sleep over at someone's house. I did.
Lauren, any books?
I would say if I could change something about a project I work on, I would release the project that we worked on that had us traveling all day. Yeah, it's a great project. Set it free.
It's never gonna see the light of day. Probably will never see the light of day, but.
We traveled across America, we made a big thing. I think it's gonna be good, but here we are. Particularly in that we're speaking of a branded thing, there are a lot of things that end up, you put so much time and energy in these emails back and forth, how do we do this little thing, that little thing, figure this out. You go, you film it, you make it, and then they go, oh, we're going with a whole new direction. We don't even need to show that. It was still, even if it's not your baby, it's not the story that you two probably wanted or deep within your heart wanted to tell, it's your time and energy, and you did the best you could, and it sucks. Yeah, and people have really conflicted opinions on branded content.
I've done a lot of it, so I personally like it, because that's how you know the people that you like to watch are making money and supporting themselves. I'm really proud of a lot of the stuff that we've made for brands. I think we've done some really cool stuff. Really good stuff. I mean, it's still written by our team. Yeah, we have a great team of branded content right now, Luke and Danny Bartlett, Rebecca, you're all noticed. Fun and so talented. So I love a lot of our, all of our branded content, and it was a unique one in that all of the different pieces that were coming together were so out there that it was very different from anything we'd created before, and I kind of felt like it would get a positive response just because of how crazy and over the top it was, and it was such a unique thing for us.
The company that we made it for, the product, doesn't exist any longer. The product is gone. That's what happened with it. The product vanished very shortly after we made the thing. So we can't release it in any way. It was very integral, but just like one of those things where, ah, went into the.
Yep, well, fire that one away with the Ark of the Covenant. Well, speaking of, it's time for us to vanish. It's the end of the podcast.
Thank you, everyone, for being here. Thank you for having us, Jess.
Yeah, this is my house, so if you guys want to stay, everybody take your pants off. We'll just chill out, watch some TV. You have some expensive microphones in your house. I do, yeah, while I treat myself.
Thank you so much for listening, for watching. If you had a good time on this or anything, hop in that Discord. We love talking to you guys. Have a great day.
You gotta get Dropout to get on Discord. That's right, get Dropout, you cheap motherfuckers. Okay, all right. You can skip two cups of coffee this month.
We don't know whether it's financial. I mean, could they share it with someone? I don't know. No, that's a good idea, let's see.
Hi, I'm Jess. If you like that, subscribe to Dropout where you can become a part of the exclusive Dropout Discord. I can even tell you my secret for solving one of these. Let's take this. Hey-o, genius. All right, who's the smarty pants now? |
dropout | aziz_ansari_adopts_a_kid | Okay, New Year's Resolutions. Let's see how we're doing here. Done and done. Let's do this.
This is seasons one through five of The Wire. I need you to watch all of this by tomorrow. I'm just gonna teach you everything you need to know about business, money, and power.
Hey Tommy, where's Wallace? Where's Wallace, Tommy?
You'll get that reference after you finish season one. I want you to exude classiness wherever you go, Tommy. That's why every day you're gonna wear a tuxedo.
Your drink of choice is Jameson on the Rocks. All the cool kids start drinking first. Cheers. Alright Tommy, throw me the frisbee. Alright, that's enough of that.
It's very important you don't get fat. So I want to make sure you eat right. There's your breakfast, your lunch, your dinner. It's a turkey sandwich. No carbs.
Aww, you look cute in your little tuxedo. You see what I'm talking about, Tommy? That girl would totally fuck you.
Is there anything else you want to do? Do you want to go see Megamind? Dan, Tommy, that movie's like ten weeks old. Where you been? I've been in a foster home. Alright, but I've already seen Megamind. What about Black Swan?
That's supposed to be dope. Okay. Really? You gonna pull that move? Say yes and just act all sad and fuck the whole time? I'm sorry. Wait, maybe we should just get to know each other a little bit better.
What kind of music do you like? Do you like Trey Songz? What about Jay-Z?
Everyone loves to jig him in. Everyone but Tommy, I guess.
Alright. Thought we'd have more in common. Being my son and home. So listen man, I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm sure there's a parent out there that's a better fit for you, Jason. Tommy. Whatever. Car's here. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's for me. Take care, buddy. |
dropout | never_ending_specials_prank | Hey guys, how's it going today? My name's George, I'll be your server. I just have a few specials, I'd like to read off if you want to hear those.
We have a soup of the day, it's scallop with chorizo fennel in a coconut curry broth. We have a grilled watermelon salad with caramelized pecans, mint and ricotta. Stone baked flatbread with zucchini, confit tomato and chorizo. Braised lamb shank, slow roasted and comes with a buckwheat risotto, goes down easy, comes out soft. Scrunched monkfish liver served with a kalamata yuzi reduction and pickled pepperdine slaw. Sprayed lamb served over macchiavelli noodles. Broiled swordfish steak, lightly dusted with saffron and heavily abused, that's with a side of pluck.
Okay, so anything else? Yeah, spaghetti boiled nays, and that's homemade pasta served in boiled mayonnaise sauce. Anched flour sam trout, an anchovy, in a flounder, in a salmon, in a trout. It's the turducken of the sea. Okay, so many octaves.
Grilled duck with rabbit seasoning, paired with roasted rabbit with duck seasoning, and we call this one the Hunter's Dilemma. Another great sandwich we're doing is a BLD-BFC-ABT OBGYN, and that comes on bread. Grilled or fried Chad Kroger's. We have fruited loops, that's Cheerios, mixed with a variety of artificial flavors and dyed one of many colors. Keep that in mind. And do you have fries? We do not have french fries.
You guys want to take a second? Great. I'll be right back.
Oh my god, that's too many specials to read. So many different options. The only thing they need is the list of new stuff so they can read it.
Ladies, I'm a little embarrassed, but I did just talk to our chef. We are out of food.
Dude, you're on an in-camera show. That's a hell of a set. The in-camera show for College Liberty. That's a set. Let's give him a round of applause.
Do you have a camera over there? Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. You guys are... How's it going?
It's awesome. |
dropout | how_to_actually_finish_something_for_once_ch_shorts | Hi, and welcome to Maybe Finish What You Start. If you're receiving this video, chances are your roommate is worried that you forgot you started a full-on project in the middle of the goddamn living room. Or maybe you're the one with the hippy, crafty, or asshole roommate who likes to build bottle beer or repair bicycles. If your roommate engages in those or any of the following activities, chances are your house is a total mess. Fun fact, installing curtains takes more than 15 minutes. You couldn't complete a task if your life depended on it. Lucky for you, I'm here to help.
Let's start with a list. A list is a helpful way to make sure that you have all the tools you need before you start a project.
This is not a compost pile. This is a jar full of shit. Fun fact, I think you're still fermenting this kimchi, but you just as easily could have forgotten about it.
Now that you have your list, it's time to check your planner and make sure that you have time to finish what you fucking started. Fun fact, if you start a project in the driveway at 649 p.m., you can't be mad when it gets dark. Pop quiz. You have 20 minutes before you leave for work. Should you A, take down the old curtains, pull out all the tools, and then rush out the door. B, do the same thing, but then text me, tee hee, sorry. Or C, wait to start the job for when you have time to finish it. In fact, it was C, good luck trying to take care of children one day.
Finally, you may get tempted to reward yourself partway through a task. You may say, I've done 10% of this already, I deserve a beer. With that logic, you'll be 10 beers deep by the time you finally hang that photo. So now that you have a list of what you need, the time allotted to get it done, and the willpower to save drinking for the end of the job, you'll be finishing projects in no time. Mother, fun fact, I've had your room listed on Craigslist for four days, and I've never felt more alive. |
dropout | the_sopranos_censored | We now return to the Sopranos on A&E. It used to be people said stuff, that's what they stuck by. You know, everybody, they just encroach. They do whatever the hell they want to. They treat us like we're nobodies. They just move in. What's this world coming to?
Dominic is dead. Dead.
There's a rat in the family. We got to straighten things out. This isn't the way we talked about doing business. This is about revenge. Freak the business. What? Freak the business.
We're going to fluff him up so bad his own mother won't recognize him. Did you just say we'll fluff him up? No, I said freak. Fluff...
Frogs. Very dushed. You guys turn into a bunch of marry-fester friends. What the frig is going on here? Fig. Fergalicious. It's the fabulous. Sensors. What? We're on cable TV. We can't say fun, shirt, constable. That's it, boys. Get in the car.
We're going to work things out diplomatically. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. I can't contain myself on my show because you people are such friendly and accommodated. Well, I'm happy to hear that. We're trying to make cotton candy, but instead we're up to our ears in your rainbows and unicorns.
Hug your wife. I'm going to give her a gift certificate to Bed Bath & Beyond. I'm sure she'd appreciate that.
You are dead. No. No! Actors. |
dropout | god_damon_lindelof_is_annoying | Oh, where's my lunch? Where indeed, Trap! Where indeed?
Damon Lindelof. That's right. Damon Lindelof.
Writer and producer of such mysterious projects as Lost, Prometheus, and The Leftovers.
Okay. Uh, where's my lunch? This lunchtime is going to be a mind-bending meal unlike anything you've ever had. This isn't blowing my mind. It's just pissing me off.
Do you see how invested you are? I feel like I've hooked you. No, there's a difference between being hooked and just feeling like you're missing something.
Do you get that? I do. Did you take my lunch? Yes. Why? Yes, what is my plan? Whose side am I on, right?
We're thinking about it. We're hooked. No, what is your motivation for taking it?
Trap. All will be revealed. Okay. In time.
No, where's my food?
Consider this. What is that? This is the May 1972 issue of National Geographic. Be careful. Why are you showing this to me? Why, indeed. Is it important? It might be. Just keep it in the back of your mind.
What? That's what you do, right? Oh yes, Damon Lindelof. Who is that? Who, indeed?
What's his plan? Whose side is he on? No. Who is he? Why is he here? Why is he relevant to anything we've been talking about? Good questions.
I have a message from the green woman.
What? 87. What?
Whoa, where did he go? Awesome mystery. So is he magic or what?
Or what, indeed. No, no, you can't make everything a mystery, all right? I think I want to, though. Give me the answer to one thing before you move on to the next puzzle. I think that this should answer some of your questions. How? How does this answer anything? How, indeed. You know what I think? I think that you're fucking with me. Yeah.
I think you have no idea where my lunch is and you've just been stringing me along. I know where your lunch is from the beginning.
Then where is it? It's right there.
Oh, that is just great. That is... After all that, that is so anticlimactic.
Well, it's not about the end, Trapp. It's about the emotional journey that gets you there.
I hated the journey. I didn't like it. It was shitty.
Who is that eye patch guy?
It doesn't matter. What do you mean it doesn't matter? I don't think that matters. If it doesn't matter, then don't introduce it.
Goodbye. What?
It looks creepy, but it's just teens like me. Stop saying teens. It's not like a creepy way. I just mean like teens. Don't say teens. Fine. I'll stop saying teens. It's not like a pedophile. |
TheOnion | Four_American_Troops_Tragically_Killed_Along_With_23_Afghanis | Yesterday, two groups of men shot at each other near Tobagram base where I am. Today, the soldiers are happy about some of the men dying and sad about other men dying. Sergeant First Class Aaron Tomlin is only sad about four of the dead people. It's a long, tough day here. We lost four good men. No. Twenty-seven men died. Four American soldiers and twenty-three Taliban soldiers. I wasn't talking about the Taliban. But they are dead.
Yeah, um, well... You are not sad about them.
You have to understand, we're like brothers here. We're like brothers here. Am I like brothers here? No, I mean the men I fight with... My brother's name is Robert Falk.
He lives in Lansing, Michigan. He is very good at Jenga.
Okay. This makes no sense. You said that four soldiers died and it makes you sad. But you said when Taliban soldiers die, it does not make you sad. I asked Base Commander David Hawkins to make it make sense. The last thing we resort to is hurting anyone. But you have to understand, it's our job to keep the American people safe from our enemies. And sometimes that includes... So if you kill your enemies at your job, it is not sad. Well... What if I killed my enemy Ryan at my job? It would not be sad? No, you shouldn't do that.
But he is rude to me. He steals my yogurts. He makes fun of the way I talk.
Look, only soldiers can kill without getting in trouble. Okay. Are you going to kill Ryan? It does not make sense.
Were the Taliban happy when the Taliban died? I went to meet Taliban spokesman Haji Muhad. They put a bag on my head to take me to the safe house, which made me stop thinking. This means that if we all join the Taliban, then no one will be sad when anyone dies. Here's how you join the Taliban.
I do not like it here. I am Michael Folt. |
cracked | professor_scott_bug_q_a_excerpt_how_we_know_dinosaurs | Professor Longtime Fan, you mentioned that dinosaurs caused the Earth to spinzies. How do we know this? Get your notebooks out and your pens, because this will be, I don't know, a minute.
So, the Earth's crust is very thick. It is hard to penetrate. That's why basements are merely a theory. You have all these sort of houses and things just resting upon the Earth's crust. But luckily, we also have, just hold on, I'm gonna do it all. Yeah, there's more down here. And I'm just gonna have to ask you to imagine that these all have pointy little roofs. Unless you'd like to be here all day, again. So we have all these houses resting on the very thick, impenetrable crusts of the Earth.
But luckily, we also have telescopes. And these telescopes are built on every house in the world.
And they look a little bit like this, but, you know, it's three-dimensional, so, like, they don't bump into each other like they would if I were to draw them here. And this one is looking here, and it sees all the things there. And this one is sort of that way. But some of them point down.
And in that way, we use science to penetrate the impenetrable, to dig deep into the undigable, to know it's not unknowable because we know it. So, and we have seen letters left by the dinosaurs. Some just say, hey, how's it going? Some of them are just grocery lists. And this one, the most important one we've ever seen, says, we are dinosaurs. We have beenosaurs here. And we're the ones that made the Earth spinzies. And another one is like, that's weird, right? Because it is. |
Wizards_with_Guns | shark_tank_but_the_sharks_make_all_the_sound_effects_ | Next into the tank, is a mechanic with a product that's sure to rev your engines. Hi everyone, my name is Mark, and I'd like to showcase our new product, the HydroBuddy. The HydroBuddy...
Excuse me, is there... What's going on? Please. Continue.
Okay, the HydroBuddy is a proprietary technology that's capable of turning water into gasoline. I'm sorry, is this free? Well, the water is free. So no profits.
No, it's not... What's going on here? Mark, let's keep it moving. I'm trying, but... How do you expect us to make a deal with somebody who can't even finish their pitch? I'm sorry, I'm out. What?
Okay, I'm asking for $50,000 for a 10% stake. Shhh. $50,000 for a 10% stake.
Shhh. What are you doing?
Which one is that? It's the one that's like...
Shhh. You know? Shhh. I don't know what that is. Shhh.
Hold on. Is this the one? Yes, that's it. Oh, that one. Yeah. That's the one. Yeah. For 10%...
Shhh. I'm sorry, did you guys not hear me?
This thing turns water into gasoline. This could change the world. This could solve the energy crisis. This could solve...
Mark, I don't like your attitude. Oh my god. I'm out.
That's not even the right song. It's a theme song to a different show.
Dun dun. Dun dun dun dun. Dun dun.
You know what?
I'm out. Fuck this. I'm still in Mark. And I've got something to say. I'm listening. I'm... I'm out.
Next time on Tiger Tang.
What is that? A lime? Yeah, I think that is a lime. Is that lime?
I'm in. God dammit. |
TheOnion | Federal_Government_Reinstitutes_Spanking_As_Punishment_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_19 | Today, the U.S. justice system sends a clear message to those who wish to cause harm. If you commit the crime, you will be spanked. The Justice Department is not mincing words today as it re-institutes harsher punishments nationwide. How many naughty little felons will these spankings affect?
From the Onion in Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. Stay with us. We'll barely scratch the surface on all the day's news.
The Topical is presented by CashApp, the number one finance app in the App Store. Nineteen years ago, if you had told me I'd one day be able to send and receive money with the tap of a button, I would have wept. Wept at the astounding achievements humanity has made, electricity, the moon landing, and now, CashApp. The only app that makes it slightly easier to send money back and forth. And when you sign up using promo code TOPICAL, you get ten free dollars. My God. Download CashApp today and bask in the splendor of it all.
Earlier this week, the Justice Department announced it would be re-instituting a federal punishment, making it legal to sentence felons who have committed first-degree crimes to a good hard spanking. It's been nearly two decades since the federal government has sentenced a prisoner to be spanked, but in the 27 states where ass-thrashing is a legal form of punishment, the practice is far more common. But is spanking ethical? Is it just? OPR's Dirk Mullen set to find out. That noise you hear? That's a prisoner being administered several hard smacks on the bum at the William E. Donaldson Maximum Security Correctional Facility in Jefferson, Alabama.
One. Two. Three. Four.
Here in Alabama, criminals like these can be held over a guard's knee like a little boy and given ten firm thwacks to their behind. Bad murderer. Bad, bad murderer. Naughty. Very naughty.
I'm here today walking past hundreds of prisoners who have been held for decades waiting to be spanked in an area of the prison known as Spank Row. I've been in here for 27 years now, just waiting for my day to come. This is Jeff. At 73, he's one of the oldest criminals on Spank Row, convicted over a quarter century ago of a murder charge on an armed robbery gone wrong. Do I deserve to be spanked? Well, I think that's for God to decide, but maybe I do.
But human rights activists like Rosa Drake disagree. Rosa is part of a state coalition that believes the act of smacking an inmate's ass until it's red is simply too barbaric of a punishment for any state to hand out. The notion that even one innocent person could be spanked disqualifies it as an acceptable punishment no matter the crime. And even if it was, after all the botched spankings we've seen, the state can't even be trusted to do it humanely. The families of victims, however, tell another story. Back when Jeff was first tried for felony first-degree murder, the families demanded a spanking. And according to the judge in the case, a hand to the cheeks was, quote, the only option. He killed my son, and I want his behind slapped wrong. Which brings us here, to the spanking room. A room where thousands of cold-blooded killers have been turned on their stomach, cracked a ceiling, and had the full fury of the state unleashed on their ass.
When you walk in, the first thing you see is a large, disappointed-looking guard in a rocking chair, sipping whiskey in one hand and reading a newspaper in the other. As Jeff entered, the guard picked him up and placed him on his knee. He beckoned the victim's family over through the looking glass to point and laugh, and asked Jeff if he'd been a bad little first-degree murderer. Jeffrey, are you ready? Do your worst, sir. Do you have any final words before I spank you? Jeff paused for a moment. Then, he spit on the floor, and looked the guard straight in the eye. I'll see you in hell, warden.
Roll on one. Roll on two.
After the spanking was over, a conical dunce hat was placed on Jeff's head, and he was left to sit in the corner with his thumb in his mouth. But was this really the closure his victim's family expected? I know that no amount of spanks could ever bring our son back. But that man needed to know that he was a bad boy. A bad, bad boy.
The Topical is brought to you by SimpliSafe. With home security, there's two ways you can go about protecting your home. There's the traditional way, where you wait weeks for a technician to do a messy installation that cost a small fortune. Or there's the other way, SimpliSafe. You get comprehensive protection for your entire home. Except from ghosts, of course. Ghosts can go through walls and are virtually undetectable unless they start moving objects around in your house. And even if SimpliSafe did guard against ghosts, the police would probably be too spooked out to do anything about them anyway. So you're going to want to find a different solution for that.
But for those plagued by human intruders, go to simplisafe.com slash topical today. You'll get free shipping and a 60-day risk-free trial. You got nothing to lose. Go now and be sure to go to simplisafe.com slash topical. That's simplisafe.com slash topical.
Oh man, I'm spent. Wow. But I'm a professional and there are still exactly three other things that happen today that I need to tell you about. Here they are.
President Trump opened the door to Air Force One again today. This is the second time this week he's opened the door to the aircraft while in flight, and members of his administration believe it won't be the last.
On Wall Street, Stock and Home Depot is on the rise, after the home improvement retailer introduced a new 100-pound bag of mulch for fucking up your back in the garden section. Consumer Reports has already given their own endorsement, calling the new product goddamn heavy as shit. And in local news, a prominent California doctor has lost his license after investigators discovered he was actually just a toddler using a Fisher Price medical playset. In addition, the young fraud may be ordered to pay upwards of two and a half million dollars to the patients and insurance companies he fooled with his little plastic stethoscope.
That's it for the topical today, I'm Leslie Price. Join us tomorrow for a truly inspiring story of how one man, another man, and another different man all came together to become the Beastie Boys. And don't forget to like and subscribe to the topical wherever you get your podcasts. Otherwise, we're going to send a SWAT team to your house, and knowing them, they'll probably shoot you dead, no questions asked. See you tomorrow.
And according to the judge in the case, a hand to the cheeks was quote, the only option. He killed my son, and I want his behind slapped raw. Which brings us here, to the spanking room. A room where thousands of cold-blooded killers have been turned on their stomach, cracked a ceiling, and had the full fury of the state unleashed on their ass. When you walk in, the first thing you see is a large, disappointed-looking guard in a rocking chair, sipping whiskey in one hand and reading a newspaper in the other. As Jeff entered, the guard picked him up and placed him on his knee. He beckoned the victim's family over through the looking glass to point and laugh, and asked Jeff if he'd been a bad little first-degree murderer. Jeffrey, are you ready? Do your worst, sir. Do you have any final words before I spank you? Jeff paused for a moment, then he spit on the floor, and looked the guard straight in the eye. I'll see you in hell, warden. Roll on one. Roll on two. After the spanking was over, a conical dunce hat was placed on Jeff's head, and he was left to sit in the corner with his thumb in his mouth. But was this really the closure his victim's family expected? I know that no amount of spanks could ever bring our son back, but that man needed to know that he was a bad boy. A bad, bad boy.
The Topical is brought to you by SimpliSafe. With home security, there's two ways you can go about protecting your home. There's the traditional way, where you wait weeks for a technician to do a messy installation that costs a small fortune. Or there's the other way, SimpliSafe. You get comprehensive protection for your entire home. Except from ghosts, of course. Ghosts can go through walls and are virtually undetectable unless they start moving objects around in your house. And even if SimpliSafe did guard against ghosts, the police would probably be too spooked out to do anything about them anyway. So you're going to want to find a different solution for that.
But for those plagued by human intruders, go to simplisafe.com slash topical today. You'll get free shipping and the 60-day risk-free trial. You got nothing to lose. Go now and be sure to go to simplisafe.com slash topical. That's simplisafe.com slash topical.
Oh man, I'm spent. Wow. But I'm a professional, and there are still exactly three other things that happened today that I need to tell you about. Here they are.
President Trump opened the door to Air Force One again today. This is the second time this week he's opened the door to the aircraft while in flight, and members of his administration believe it won't be the last.
On Wall Street, Stock and Home Depot is on the rise after the home improvement retailer introduced a new 100-pound bag of mulch for fucking up your back in the garden section. Consumer Reports has already given their own endorsement, calling the new product goddamn heavy as shit. And in local news, a prominent California doctor has lost his license after investigators discovered he was actually just a toddler using a Fisher-Price medical playset. In addition, the young fraud may be ordered to pay upwards of $2.5 million to the patients and insurance companies he fooled with his little plastic stethoscope.
That's it for the topical today, I'm Leslie Price. Join us tomorrow for a truly inspiring story of how one man, another man, and another different man all came together to become the Beastie Boys. And don't forget to like and subscribe to The Topical, wherever you get your podcasts. Otherwise, we're going to send a SWAT team to your house, and knowing them, they'll probably shoot you dead, no questions asked. See you tomorrow. |
dropout | if_google_was_a_guy_part_4 | Hi, just got to send an email and then I'll be right with you, okay? Hello, are you again?
Is hula hoop a sport? Uh, I don't think...
Can owls walk?
Is Dilbert Jewish? Recipe using only crackers. Face back. Crazy.
Directions to downtown? Well, it's going to be 35 minutes unless you use waves. Get off the highway!
Now!
Goma's feet. Taylor Swift! Swift feet. Katy Perry feet.
What is wrong with people? What happens if plant sesame seed? Oriental rug, politically correct.
Google Wave, what happened? We killed it. Google Glass, what happened? We killed it. Google Car.
Oh, oh, oh, no, no. This is going to be amazing, actually. Okay, to drink expired milk? No. What happens if drank expired milk?
Oh, my God! Why did you ask me in the first place? Hot locker car crash. Really sad. Pics. Red light cameras everywhere. You're freaking them out. Racist if only like California rules. Age of consent, California. Beast back. It is right there! You could just... Ugh. That is it for the day. No, no, no! Dad from the nanny. Dad? Seriously? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_39_gang_of_youths | Yes, still in Sydney. Spent a fair bit of time down south actually with this tour and today of all places we are in the inner west, the communist enclave, a lot of ironic R.M. Williams boots I believe but a lot of people that look like they could have spent a bit of time out west, they dress that way but when you talk to them you soon reveal that they're studying a range of different arts subjects at university. Yep, there's plenty of shit haircuts too Clancy, lots of home jobs but we've made our way up from Sylvania where we were last week with Becky Lucas and Cameron James. We're backstage here at the Enmore Theatre. We're about to interview arguably Australia's hottest act at the moment off the back of their appearance at the Arias or Aparas was it? Or Akmas?
No, it was Arias and they won the album of the year last year. So 2017 they won album of the year.
Yep, and the band that we're about to speak to is currently chugging their way through is it five or six nights back to back? Six. Yeah, six back to back nights at the Enmore Theatre and by the time you'll be hearing this they'll be on a jet plane to America where they're touring for the first half of December and then they'll go off to their respective corners of the planet and have their Christmas because they're a very international band as you're about to hear.
Yes, Deep Thinkers as well. That's why we're very excited to land an interview with these guys.
It's a gang of youths. Well they've just walked in through the door here. Here's, yep, we're ready to go. Okay. Well here we are at the Matoota Advocate Roadshow. We've got two more to go.
Well you guys have got two more shows left don't you here? We've got Tonight and Tomorrow. Tonight and Tomorrow, yeah. We did, before last summer, we've done three shows, so we've kind of only had one day off between two, three shows which is a bit taxing but not as hard as having a do-it-with-two show in Woop Woop.
Yeah, or you know, working underground in Mount Isa. I made a joke about Mount Isa the other night actually. My uncle Chris is a minor then but I was talking about our mate Dave and Andrew and he's from Mount Isa and just the fucking room went dead. Like it was kind of... Which was it on stage? In Sydney, yeah it was in Sydney and I'm like... Fucking Mount Isa, where the fuck's that? It was like that kind of thing but I don't know. No one knew where it was.
That's where Pat Rafter's from. Pat Rafter there.
I remember his bonds and his ads. And Greg Norman, yeah. I feel like that was a lot of people's sexual awakening.
Him like sitting in this big fucking mining shop. Like fucking hut.
Yeah come on sharky you got it mate. I can imagine him being kind of like Ben Stills character in what's that movie? Zoolander. You reckon?
Where like he was meant to be a miner and all he wanted to do was play golf. Play golf. And they're like embarrassed and he's using a pickaxe as a pitching wedge.
And look that's how a star is born right? Yeah. Look we.
Golf man pa. Golf man.
You go from Mount Isa to being in Florida to being Malcolm Turnbull's only contact that could get him in touch with Donald Trump. That's how it went down.
So speaking of chasing your dreams from a little place called Mount Isa or indeed Inner West Sydney. Inner West Sydney. And you? North West Sydney.
But you're really you're from Fiji though. Fiji yes.
Born? Born.
Right. Suva? No. Latoka. Right. Latoka.
And have you got much family over here? Immediate family and like certain cousins and stuff but majority of my family. There's a little connection though between Mr. Clancy here and a member of your family though.
Oh that is true. Joey Lala the Tasmanian Fijian. Yeah. Talks like this. Oh yeah.
Bull of Anarka guys. We were in Kansas City and we saw a guy who full on fucking looked exactly like Joey and I flipped out and I ran up to him like dude you have to see this guy. And I showed him this picture of Joey, Joshi's brother-in-law to this dude and he flipped out. Well like that is me. Yeah he was like I thought it was him for a sec. Was he African American?
Yeah. Yeah right. So you got family around the country? Any Queenslanders? Yeah.
My brother and sister and Joey who you know live in Brisbane. I got family in Melbourne and then hopefully I haven't started my own family anywhere else. Around the country. In Kansas City.
That's a very Melanesian story. Yeah. That's a Melanesian joke. Melanesian and Polynesian joke.
And David you have a wide, vast family tree. Yeah. Many different looking branches.
Yeah so my mum, she's the daughter of Holocaust survivors. So yeah so my opera and alma were Fred and Sabine Gunzberger and they were born in Vienna, Austria and they fled the Nazis by Shanghai. Samani Rose was born and then they came to Sydney and settled in Western Sydney in Guildford. Uncle Gershon and my mum were born and yeah so that makes me Jewish on my mum's side.
And my dad is Samoan. Right. So that is my kind of weird heritage thing there. So did you guys as two of the biggest rock stars in Australia think as kids, little islander kids getting around northwest, inner west, that that was a possibility? I think Chachi probably not because Chachi had a pretty different, Chachi had a really traditional Pacific upbringing in a lot of ways and probably like more associated himself with like the church. I look traditional as fuck. I look very... Like because you look Fijian, you look Melanesian, I could pass for someone who was in Polynesian definitely.
Deep Greek. Yeah I could do Greek.
Oh fuck nah. Pass the ball to Kosta.
No no I could probably pass for a lot of things but Chachi's just black so I think like the difference in our blackness is pretty significant and I think because like I guess I always grew up, I grew up in the vicinity of things that seemed like tangible musically you know? But we both grew up in church so I think we were always given access to music and we never really, what do you reckon? I never really doubted but maybe it was completely different for you obviously because there's a lot of pressure for you to become like a doctor or a lawyer or some shit right? Yeah I just felt like something to do with music was undeniable but if I'm really honest I just thought it would just be like with church.
Yeah. So the common thread really that kind of drew this gang together was the gang of God. Dude you honestly like, it's not even, it's absolutely true like we were kind of bound together by this historical connection to religion and to God and to the church so I don't think, I mean Chachi and I met in Sunday school. Yeah right. Like hard out, that's how we... We had the same shoes.
Yeah we were in the same shoes and I think like yeah and I think that as well is a pretty Pacific Islander story as well like you start playing music in church you know and then you kind of either stay in or get out but. Like there's a lot, you're not the only band that met that way right? Von Soho, Matt Corby came, a lot of, half of Australian Idol came out of the same place. Dude no it's true man like. Even outside of Australia it's crazy how many like huge bands. I was talking about Whitney the other day where they were saying hello and I was like yeah there's so many people coming out of the church. Like Royal Blood, Kings of Leon and like so many like even bands that don't identify that way like there'll be one or two members who are like pastors kids or like grew up. Because one of the central components of our upbringing was praise and worship wasn't it Chachi? Yeah. Like I played drums and keyboard and bass in Little Baptist Church and then we went to Hillsong and you know everyone, everyone that I knew there was on stage at some point playing music or something. Is it the stage and the instruments and the ready made crowd that kind of gives you a kick start?
Yeah absolutely. You feel pro. You're going to have little innies and stuff. No it's true.
Have pedal boards bigger than the car. Yeah and you have like solid rehearsals and you have the pedal board thing.
It's just like we're surrounded by an environment on one hand that kind of affords us opportunities to fuck up and make mistakes early on. But I think in a way like me and Chach when we were, like I was really young when I started like touring and playing. Like I was 13 years old when I was in a band with my bass or you know playing venues and whatever. We kind of, we kind of stepped out of that and started playing in bands and we were quite young anyway. Like I did this thing called School of Rock and we used to have like an end of film concert at Manningbar or Annandale. That's how I started playing in like indie rock bands and hardcore punk bands and Chachi did the same thing. So we kind of.
That was in an, the only male member of an all girl band.
Yeah. Hell yeah.
No, no, no. But that gave you a lot of experience and like learning how to play with people outside of the church context. You know, because there's less direction and there's more kind of creative control and you're playing music that you write yourself. So I mean Chach have always kind of like tried it, but it's not really common for people in our circumstance to do that. Like very few people make it out of, for example, the Polynesian. I'll just say Polynesian, like Pacific community. Yeah, it's the same thing. Very few people make it out of that culture anyway. Like into and, and kind of make progress in other avenues in, in terms of like the mainstream broader thing, let alone people would come out of church. Like it's not, you know, it's not super common.
So, so you said that in your speech last year, like it was, it was good to be on stage to just prove that, you know, you didn't have to be an NRL star or. Yeah, you don't have to be. Yeah. Absolutely.
Or a security guard.
Or, but the thing is like, you don't have to be a fucking doctor or lawyer like in Fijian culture, like, you know, education and, and like achievement is really important, you know, probably less so in Samoan and Tongan culture, but in Fijian culture, it's kind of like a different thing. Being in this band, I guess the journey until recently was like pretty hard for me with my family. My family are very like supportive, loving people, but just culturally, that's what it was.
You know, just, there's no way other than being a doctor, a lawyer, or, you know, maybe in politics or something. Yeah. You know, for supplying like a good lifestyle for your family. Yeah. And because in our culture it's, because of how it's just been in the past, back at the chiefly system, back in the day, it's like the better you do as an individual, the more your greater family relies on you, becomes this big pyramid thing. And you become like the apex or whatever. Yeah. So you don't just end up, you know, providing for your family, but your village or, you know, your province.
And so this idea of being a musician and doing that, just like, that's just not something that they can grasp. Like no Fijian has ever done that before. But it's so weird because Fijian culture is so musical.
Yeah. Or Polynesian culture. It's so strange is that like, that's just considered to be like a cultural staple rather than something that is like sustaining in terms of like a livelihood. That's more ceremony. Yeah. But it's also weird.
Like I can't necessarily, I don't know how you feel about it, but I don't hold like Pacific people responsible entirely for that perception that somehow achievement is achievement. And like, you know, that kind of like immediate recognition of a, of a high ranking or social ranking occupation is somehow negative because it's kind of like the way that people force their way out of poverty or fight the way out of poverty, or it's kind of the way that I think a lot of Pacific people have learned how to be accepted in there as migrants and in places they adopt. And so it's understandable, but it's just like, it just gets hard for people who like, I, I didn't grow up particularly Polynesian at all, despite the fact that my dad's like someone, whereas, you know, for people in child care positions, it's a lot harder to try and break through the mold.
Do you, do you know what the backup would have been? I would have been a bricklayer fully. I think. You would have been a lawyer. You could have been, you could have been a doctor.
No, I honestly, I reckon, um, I don't know. I don't know.
I just feel like, um, being, being friends with Dave for me and like the world, he opened me up to not just what he exposed me to musically. Um, but just like, I don't know if you guys have gathered this already, or just, you know, everyone listen to this podcast. Dave's, Dave's pretty smart guy.
So, um, he's not, yeah, he wasn't like the runner of the mill kind of Islanders. I hate using that term, but like literally he wasn't like any other Islander I've met.
And, um, I feel like if I had never met Dave, I, uh, I'd just, I'd be, uh, Hey, how you going? So, you know, I'd be, I'd talk different. I'd be really different. I would never think about things the way I think now. Dave, I remember so much of our, like first years of our relationship was like, you, you loved a lot of stuff about like how I was being Fiji, but you always challenged some of the stupid, uh, the conventional things.
Yeah. You know, just the, you know, I was a big pushover. I was a big yes, man. Cause that's how you talk about it. You're still a bit of a yes, but no one here as bad as I was. Yeah. But, um, you know, you're a very, you're a very like obliging person. That's the thing. Like you, you, you always like try to fulfill your responsibilities. I feel like, yeah, well, that's how you just taught in our culture. That's the right way to be.
And I think if I continued that way, I still would be in church. So I, I myself am not religious at all. I would probably say I still am in a lot of ways. And I reckon if like we weren't doing this band, I'd, I'd be pastor or something.
Yeah. Right.
I reckon I was, you know, something to do with church. There's still a lot about you that's quite pastoral and in so many ways though. So I think you retained all the shit about the Christian thing that made sense to you and makes sense to the world. But I think just like all the baggage you probably like didn't need it. You know, I think that's the case in a lot of people who end up leaving church or leaving religion.
But like, I didn't leave in a bad, no, no, no. You didn't leave. I still, I still go sometimes, you know, on the wrong Springer.
So Amish people, um, it's a, it's a right. They're right of passage. Um, so they get given an opportunity. No, no, no. So they get to shave the neck.
It's like Amish school is. I did, I did a society and culture, um, uh, I guess assignment in a year 11 on Amish people and it absolutely fucking fascinated me. So the first time I ever drove through Pennsylvania and I saw Amish people, I burst into tears because it was the most, it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
Like just a commute. It's amazing. This kind of autonomous, self-determined community who've lived that way for fucking generations, who, you know, who have their own language, their own system of ethics and you know, like I don't know much about the inner workings of the culture because no one really does unless you're immersed in it. But it's just such a, like it's a pretty inspiring thing that these people living, you know, relatively harmoniously with, um, with American society without fully integrating it. I think it's kind of fascinating.
There's a couple from where you're from north of that Wiseman's ferry up there in the, in Hawkesbury.
Yeah. There's a couple. Yeah.
So the Anabaptists, so Anabaptism is like, it's like a chain of Dutch reform theology that, um, I'm not entirely sure, but stays pretty close to the, to the reformation style teachings, but there, um, um, but I think that it's catered kind of towards that community. And so, I don't know, it's a pretty interesting thing when it makes its way over to like, we remember we were in Tassie and we saw those Mennonites who'd come down for a conference. It's crazy. Yeah, it's cool.
Does he recommend you books a lot? Like you got to read this man. I bought you sockonomics.
Yeah. Uh, yeah. I read heaps. So tell us about the other guys in the band, all from different parts of the world. All immigrants. Yeah. So you got a, you got a Polishman. We do two in the newsroom.
Um, it's so weird how, how like one of the greatest jokes I've ever heard was, I think it was Stuart Lee and he's like, I'm fucking sick of all these foreigners coming here, taking jobs from our Polish. And it's sort of, it's so weird. Like, like how, how like Polish people in a global context would be considered white until you get to the fundamental, like the, the Aryan perfection, I guess, or the Eurocentrism, um, idea of radicalized right wing nationalist extremists and Polish people were exempt from it somehow. It's so bizarre to me.
Oh, except in Cuyahoga. They're pretty wide up there.
Yeah, that's, that's Donny. He's, um, he's the drummer. So his, um, his, his, I think he's first generation Australian. I think his mom was born here, but his dad, his dad's from Poland and Korean. Uh, yeah. Jung's Korean American. He's actually, you know, yeah, but he's only, he only lived in Korea for like a year. Yeah. He spent most of his life in Chicago.
Right.
It was a broad church then. Yeah. Um, yeah, Max, Max is from New Zealand, but that doesn't really constitute as diverse a country. West Brisbane. Yeah. Max is like, I don't know, Max is, um, about as moldy as you can get. I mean, yeah. With it actually being ethnically moldy. Yeah.
Now tell us about this tour. Um, you guys as, um, Chocha, you're the party boy of the crew, but, um, even with that, even with the, um, you know, inhibitions, um, you still have managed to do six, like it's, it's, we're on tour. Okay. So this is unbelievable. We can't fathom it. How many and more theaters you've done. That's two and a half thousand people downstairs.
Yeah. So six, um, six of these, obviously we had to skip one cause I was sick, but we've added the 21 shows we were doing in 30 days or 20 years ago. It was a 20 or 21 we've done all except one. So yeah, it's pretty like, pretty, and then we're going straight to the U S to do, um, to run a shows again East coast thing. Yeah. How many dates in America? Like 12, 14. Yeah. I just know we finished on the 16th of December. Yeah. So we start, we start in Nashville and we end in Indianapolis, I think.
So I'm home by Christmas. Well, no, cause I'm, I'm doing Christmas in New York and Chocha's coming to visit New York. But I leave just before Christmas and I fly to Fiji. But he's coming to visit me, which is the important thing.
Yeah. Okay. Everybody he's coming to visit me, not you, me. Okay. How do you get around? He's my fucking friend, you cunts.
How do you get from Fiji from New York? Is that a few flights? New York, New York to LA, LA to Brisbane, Brisbane to Fiji.
So I land just before New Year's. Right. So, um, how has that been on tour? You guys like, as I said, you kind of, um, you, for this part of your career that you've kind of pulled back on the rock star stuff as in the after, the after show stuff that you couldn't have done that any other way. Do you reckon?
Well, I just, well, the thing is like, I've just never done it even when I was drinking a lot, drinking heavily. Um, we're not really that kind of band. I don't really like to do that. It's not cause I'm not a social person. I love people, but I don't like those, um, those kind of enforced, like contrived situations where you're kind of feeling pressured into interacting with multiple people, not giving them the time of day. Like, um, but you're, you're in it, you're a pretty introverted guy, but you tend to work okay in those environments. Whereas I'm really extroverted, but I'm not, I'm not like, I just don't really like them.
And it's sort of like after, after, after playing a show for 90 minutes after seeing, you know, you know, four or five shows a week kind of thing, like just rough on the voice. I've got to be careful with it. But yeah, nothing robs you more personally than like, uh, not being able to give someone, not having like an adequate conversation or time. Like you feel so unfulfilled. Like we had, we had the best show ever river stage on the weekend and I walk off and there's just like too many people and like you try to talk to one person, they pull you and like, and you end up walking away just going, why do I feel like shit? You know, I can't invest any time.
You're, you're more prone to social anxiety than I am though. Like, you know what I mean? Cause I'm really, you can put your hair over your face and go full Hutchins through the crowd. Well no, but I don't, I don't even do that. Like I just, I love, I love, I could sit and talk with someone for hours and like I'm hugging and I was, you know, like you are, you are like, it's like more introverted. I would say you're an introvert. Like despite, I'll be, you're not a shy person introvert, so you're probably more prone to the anxiety of being around fucking 50 trillion people at an after party or something.
It's, it's kind of a weird thing. Look, I, I feel like all the guys in some way are really, really good at interacting with human beings on their own level or in their own way. But I think in these forced environments or in these very convoluted means of having to communicate with people in a high pressure situation where it just seems like it's been structured around a show and it's just, you know, like there's like a weird kind of unspoken protocol. It can become a little bit stifling, a little bit suffocating.
But at the same time, I just, I don't know, like not really that interested in the after party thing. I've never done it. I went to, I've been to a couple of hours after parties but didn't go this year and I probably won't ever go again. It's not really my thing. Did you go?
It's pretty dark. It's very grim.
I'm not going to say anything. No comment.
So there wasn't just like one hangover from hell where you just like actually fuck this. No, no, I just, well I quit drinking because it was destroying my life. So I've had a few hangovers in hell, but I just think like, I don't know, like you're not really a big drinker anymore, are you? Well even when I do, I was like dealing Hydrolite last night. I just pump Hydrolite and I take care of myself when I'm drinking. So I'd never get hungover.
You guys are a lot smarter than the other rockstars. I think the idea is like the perception of what it is to be quite a rockstar. Like I think in our wildest dreams, we would never even come close to considering ourselves close to something like that. Like I'm really reticent to even consider ourselves like famous in that regard because it's a fucking, it's a fruitless, pointless, like self-deluding endeavor, like the whole idea.
You ever put a TV in a pool? No, fuck not. Because like someone worked really hard, someone has to work hard to clear that TV out of me.
And I hate the idea, it's a self-indulgent bullshit, like undertaking, you know, like the notion of being a rockstar. Like, and it's not helpful to people, it's not helpful to me. Like my wife, like isn't interested in being the wife of a rockstar. So, you know, and my dad would be fucking disappointed. And that's the thing, like we're not even remotely interested in it.
It's just a load of shit. It's a fucking load of like, and it's culturally promulgating. It used to be rockstars with guitars and now it's rockstars with fucking, you know, like Papa Molly doing trap. Like it's the same, it's the same, I keep using the word delusional, it's the same delusional idolatry, you know, as if we're somehow elevated above the audience that, who are the only reason we exist. It's a fucking travesty.
Well, we've found, if you are into toning it down, we've, walking around this area, found a plug for some kava down there at the Fiji Spa Store. Oh, yeah. It's pretty cool, eh? I like it.
I used to buy stuff from there. Kava's good for you. It's pretty overpriced at that store. Yeah, kava. You get a achiever back home? They dig it out of the fucking ground or something. There's a kava store in my wife's hometown in Wilmington, North Carolina. Really? It's a kind of store, yeah. They sell them kava there.
Yeah, it's taking off in America. I'm cool with it, man. I think it's good. They're wanting to treat anxiety with it. It's an anti-inflammatory, isn't it? Yeah. And they've found that it's great for a bunch of different things. All blacks get into it. They used to get into it after matches to kind of chill out. Apparently, Reuben Wiki is famous for never getting injured because he'd have a bowl of kava to himself every night. That's cool.
Before? Every night before he slept.
Oh, right, right. It's just a good thing that we grow on the islands and I think it's cool that now that, you know, Palanis have kind of figured that's white people and not in some ways. Migloos for you, Migloos. And not for those, yeah. Gringos for you, Gringos. Now that you white dogs are here. You fucking honkies.
But yeah, now that people have kind of discovered it's cool and I don't know, it's sort of a weird thing that we're not crying cultural appropriation because it's like Polynesian and Fijian, Polynesian, Melanesian, Micronesian cultures are all really interested in sharing. We want to share our shit. It is interesting though because it is something you'd want to kind of keep tabs on because realistically could anyone tell you where marijuana came from, apart from maybe Dave?
The crop was cultivated I think maybe. I might be wrong. It might have been from the subcontinent. Yeah, I was just about to say India. Yeah, I think that's where it probably came from because like we think of Bangladesh. It means fields of something. Yeah, I have a feeling, that's why they call it Ghan, right? Yeah, right. I have a feeling that's where it's from. I read that in that book you gave me. Well, a lot of people think it came from Jamaica and or Northern Rivers region of New South Wales.
And the thing is like marijuana and pot and kava are just really different things because we don't use kava in the islands to get high. Yeah, that's it. It's not like, I mean, some people experience something from it but it has ceremonial, familial, religious significance and people just like the taste and it's just drunk socially. It's probably closer to like wine. No, it does the opposite thing to alcohol. It slows down your metabolism. Oh, that's true.
It numbs you. So it's literally like taking anesthetic very slowly. So after a while you can't feel your mouth or face. Yeah, so like if people were using kava to try and get fucked up I think that's probably like a weird way to use it because I don't think...
It's not going to work. It's not really going to work.
If you drink it too quickly, you'll pass out for like 48 hours and you'll work out the worst thing.
Which is something that's happening. Shauji sent me videos last week at the Fiji, of all his family drinking kava and it's fucking messy. It's so good. But it's only messy because it just flows freely and it's like... But yeah, you wouldn't use it and abuse it the same way. It's kind of a different thing. Yeah. My only experience is in a giant plastic Tupperware container down in Annerley. So it's a different kind of story.
Post-match.
In some way we call it ava because we don't really use the k in like informal speech but ava ceremonies are really beautiful actually. Well, here we have a hardware store that sells...
Hot dogs and onions. Have you guys been to a Bunnings? I thought a hot dog had to have like a Frankfurt sausage in it. So it's a sausage roll or a hot dog? It's a sausage in a piece of fucking paper.
Heavily bleached bread. Did you guys see that Bunnings, there's that whole thing with the onions? Yeah. Now they have to put the onions in first in the bread because onions were slipping out of sausage rolls when they were putting them at the top and someone slipped and had an accident. Call the unions. This is legit.
Imagine if a person was walking down the street, a street that's lined with heaps of the Jacaranda tree. Where I grew up, the street I grew up on was fucking nothing but Jacaranda. I used to slip over all the time. Imagine if some rich bloke went ass up there and says, all right, no more Jacarandas.
We're now in Queensland. Tell us, just quickly, we've spoken about being high profile Pacific Islanders musicians in Australia. What's it like in America? I'm not sure about Melanesia, but big Polynesian population in LA and Chicago.
Yeah, Uso. My Uso, my bro.
Hey, Sole. Sole. Hey, go on, Sole. Yeah, bro, you know Dwayne, my cousin? Bro. Sole.
Yeah, bro. American, Simone, right? Yeah. What's that like?
I mean, obviously you've had some instances where you've... I've got a good mate. I've got a few good mates in LA and they always talk about how there's a huge Polynesian community in LA, but I've never met anyone who's actually entrenched in that community. I have a friend in the Oakland area.
Her name is Jean. She's a fucking really talented artist. Jean Melisaena.
Most of the Pacific Northwest, Californian ones, there's even a pretty big population in North Carolina, where my wife's from. Most of them are American Samoan. Yeah, right. If you're American Samoan, you are 40% more likely, or 40 times, sorry, more likely to be in the NFL than any other, I guess, group of people. Really? They're called the Football Islands. Yeah, yeah. So it's a really weird thing how such a small population, I think there's only like 60,000 American Samoans in American Samoa, maybe 100,000 along the West Coast. They contribute to such an enormous cultural institution. That's a lot of Texas. Well, think about it.
America still has a colonial outpost in American Samoa and obviously Hawaii. There's a Polynesian island that's one of the 50 states.
Is that how they all get into wrestling? Is it through the NFL? A lot of them play college football and get injured. That's how Dwayne Johnson did it. But a lot of the rest is like Roman Reigns, Rikishi. Who else? They've all kind of come from a football background. Nowadays, they come from the NRL.
He said he put up, he said he invited them to the club just after he'd signed that contract with WWE and he wasn't there. He'd left the table with the grog there but it's because his name's The Ghost. That's from my own ghost there. Oh my gosh. That must be where he got his wrestling name from because he wasn't there. The Ghost.
Oh, bro. You can't see me, bro. It's kind of weird, man.
Because Jordan Milada as well, he's a South sport. He's not even an American Samoan. I think he's fully Samoan. He plays for the Eagles.
He's on the 52-man roster. 53-man roster, whatever.
For years it was just Booyah Tribe in the public kind of space, right? Yeah, as well. And I think it's weird because Polynesians in the conversation of blackness have never really been considered in the same way as a black American was until Booyah Tribe. And I think it's interesting because Melanesians and Polynesians have a similar history of exploitation and slavery in the Pacific. So it's a weird thing when you start to look at the prominence of Polynesians in America and see how many cultural and socio-economic similarities there are with the broader black American population. And so I think it's just because we're so small. Because Shochi's got Polynesian heritage as well.
He's Tongan. When you consider the size of our population but also the size of our contributions to culture, the most famous actor in the world is a Samoan guy. It's pretty interesting. Best football player in the world was a Samoan guy. Are you talking about Keanu as the greatest actor in the world?
Dude, I watched John Wick 2 yesterday. It was fucking amazing. I'm tragic. I like any movie with an infallible, unbeatable protagonist.
There's a man with nothing to lose. And everyone calls him. They give him weird epithets like he's the personification of death and you look the devil in the eye and the man carries the devil. He's a real man on fire. He's about to paint his masterpiece.
I remember playing Tomb Raider when I was a kid. I'm like, this fucking chick's amazing. You can do the literal everything.
Sorry I'm hogging this conversation, but it's just a fascinating thing for me to see how relative to our contributions and size, we're not exactly considered to be in the same echelon as other ethnic minorities in America, predominantly because of our sheer lack of numbers. But when you think about the fact that, like I was saying before, there are two colonial outposts, imperialist outposts that still exist in the Pacific. Maybe a conversation about Pacific Islanders in America needs to happen because currently in the census, they're considered to be Asian. We're not really Asian. We live in the Pacific.
And Chachi's black. He doesn't look Asian. My dad was a black man.
And so I think in the future, maybe more conversations about this are going to start happening. Not angry, aggressive, fucking tribalist, annoying conversations where people are comparing the levels of privilege and oppression, like that's stupid. But maybe things that are a bit more like, relative to the experience of individuals within the community.
That's where I live. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, they're all on the West Coast. Polynesians, and you think about, I always think about the fact that 40,000 years ago, we were circumnavigating the Pacific. And that's a fascinating thing to me. Yeah. And now you're touring America. So I totally hijacked that thing.
Well, just the anthropological implications of what the Pacific means in the broader social context of the world is really fascinating to me still. And I think it's like, culturally, on a mainstream level, since Moana, it's kind of come to a little bit of prominence, but it's still unexplored, untapped territory. I think it's really fascinating.
Yeah. It was kind of like the last part of Earth that was discovered by the Europeans. Yeah, exactly. And Captain Cook, man. He fucking runs through the place. Yeah. He went right to the very end.
Thought Fortitude Valley was the last part of Earth. Well, they're sons of life down there. Do you guys see that American missionary, John Chow, who went to the North Sentinel Islands in the Andamans and tried...
And he got Captain Cooked. He got fucking Captain Cooked.
Sounds like my weekend in Fortitude Valley, man. I have been to places, and Fortitude Valley never ceases to surprise me every time.
We had this little after-party kick-on at a bar after River Stage Show. Yeah. And when we walked out for a... Did you get carded on the machine on the way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would tell me that to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I pulled out an old ID, which didn't even have my date of birth or anything. And the guy just put it through and looked at me and just went like this. But we walked out for a smoke. Is that true? Huh? I wasn't there. Was that true? Yeah, it happened. I didn't tell you about this, but we walked out, and this fight broke out out front of a kebab shop. Yeah. This guy started swinging at this woman, and he misses, and then they separate, and then they just start throwing kebabs at each other and ducking, and this guy got smacked in the face with a kebab, but it looked like he got punched. Yeah.
And he like fell over. One friend's going over, and they're like, oh, are you okay?
And we're like, it's just a kebab to the face. What was in that kebab?
I'm allergic to garlic. My face. The only part allergy. Fucking Nosferatu is there.
I'll always remember in the valley one time, we saw this thing where this guy was having a fight with his partner, and she was getting stuck into him with the heels, and he was just copping it, right? It's like, you know, what do you do? It's like kind of just chill out a little bit, and like he's trying to just dodge these things. It's like a 1960s Fellini movie, where it's like some scored lovers like whipping a guy. She must have been playing up, and she was getting with the heels, and his only response was to kind of bear hug her, and then as he's done that, all these roid boys walked out of a nightclub, and it kind of looked a bit bad what he was doing. Even though he was like defusing the situation, he looked like he was like starting some shit, and these guys came over like, don't you ever touch a woman.
He got pasted, he got dusted off, and we woke up. There's something nice about that in theory, though. At least people have come and died. Yeah, we woke up to him afterwards and were like, man, we saw the whole thing. You just got unlucky twice.
Wow. So what is in the immediate future? American tour, another album? What's going on? I don't know.
We live somewhat of a normal life this next year. Yeah, we haven't been back to London in god knows how long. I spent three weeks in my room this year. Oh, it's pretty hectic. So he's had a hard one.
Yeah, so Christmas album, something like that, what's going on? I think we're collaborating with Hillsong, actually. Actually, we've decided to pull the plug on the Christmas album and hold out for Easter.
Yeah, that's a new one. Yeah, it's a bit darker. Oh, you did the Anantak day one. Oh, true.
Too controversial.
No comment. Queen's birthday.
Here's an idea though. Would you ever do language? My Samoan language is minimal. Yeah, right.
I can navigate my way around when I'm there, but outside, I'm pretty terrible. I can navigate my way around.
Christine Aguilera did a Spanish album.
I'm not sure if you remember. Oh, really? Yeah. It's weird because I was about to say I don't think a Pacific language thing would do well, but Moana was fucking everywhere. So maybe it might. Yeah. I don't know.
A Pacific language one could almost be more insulting because of the swearing on the culture too. And also, there's so many languages. Like, Fijian dialects alone, there's probably like 100 different dialects down there.
Something like that. Yeah. In Samoan, there's like one.
We're too lazy to come up with.
Uso. Sole. Yeah, my Uso and Uso. You're like my Polynesian brother, bro.
I don't know. I think the next record is probably going to have some reference to it because of my dad dying, but it's kind of like, I don't know. I haven't really thought about it.
I think it's one of those things where we're not that interested in making broad cultural statements for the sake of it. So I think anything that we do is going to be kind of intentional. Yeah. And kind of like...
Nothing obvious and abrupt like wearing traditional Fijian attire at the NRL Grand Final. Joshie wore a solo at the NRL Grand Final. And someone wore a Warriors jersey.
I think as well, I've never been Polynesian enough for the Polynesian community that I was surrounded by as a kid or barely surrounded by like... So I think for me it's kind of a complicated thing. Like my identity has always been kind of... Like Joshie's always had a really strong sense of Fijianness, whereas my Nganana Samoan language is really poor. You know, my Fa'a Samoan, my wave Samoan, I didn't really grow up with it. So I think for me it's a little bit more complicated. Like how am I going to integrate this newfound expression of my cultural identity and my connection to my father and my father's people in a way that is not only respectful to the community that I didn't really feel much a part of as a child, but is reverent to my own experience going through it. It's kind of a weird thing. Whereas Joshie's always had a real profound sense of connection to his land and his people and his village and stuff, you know.
Joshie, can you crump like a cousin or your brother-in-law? Oh man, I cannot come close. My brother lives with my brother-in-law and they're both great at dancing. Yeah, Frank's a good dancer, right?
Yeah. Is that a church thing, the crumping? Probably. I think it's dancing in general. Yeah. I think that's why Justin Bieber comes. Fijians just have like a real sense of, real good sense of rhythm and movement and agility. It's kind of just, I think it's like a, like just a genetic thing. Well, we all remember Vulcan, right? Yeah.
Gladiotus. Oh, the Gladiotus. Vulcan was sick. I always thought, Jaylen Meyer, was he a Gladiotus?
It was, I feel like, no. I don't know. I remember this kid that I grew up with, we used to say his dad was Tower. Yeah. His Aryan dad, yeah.
Ty Pan.
There was some good, it was a good era of Australian television. Now, thank you. We better let you get to sound check. Yeah. This has been a hell of a potty. We'll be well and truly out of Sydney by the time this is broadcast. We'll be back in the desert and you guys will probably be on a plane to America. We will be. Yeah. So, thank you. Dave? Yeah, it's been great. Clancy, Harold, thank you very much. It's great to put some faces to the name. Yeah, finally. Yeah. Us too.
And of course, there's a whole lot of other people in the band that we couldn't fit in this room.
So, thank you, Gang of Youths. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Well, that was the Gang of Youths. Well, two of them. Thanks for tuning in and I'm Clancy Overall. You be kind to each other.
And my name is Errol Parker and once again, never talk to the police without a lawyer present. They're out to get you. They will destroy your life and keep that in mind. And stay out of the Puckys. Thank you. |
cracked | how_the_government_would_actually_treat_superheroes_antiheroes_episode_4 | Previously on anti-heroes these powers are dangerous. We could be captured Studied my body heals itself so well. I can't seem to get drunk I don't crave cigarettes, so I can't enjoy them anymore this sucks Yes, that is what we should worry about when we have life-altering superpowers in this dangerous life-threatening situation in which we found ourselves See Hector's on my side They're here Hey People hey, they look like a day I don't know according to their car that I eventually stopped seeing they can turn things invisible I'm stressed plus don't worry. We'll just stick to the story as long as nobody develops any new dangerous power Damn it Hello, my name is one we've received reports So ah This is to Breaking news reports of strange lights have all been Discredited the lights were simply the result of gas erupting from a nearby bog Although if you see people doing strange seemingly impossible things, please call the authorities make sure to report any suspicious activity so You know, it's 2014 bub. I'm surprised there aren't pictures of it We're secret agents. Yes, we know the lights during the clips gave a bunch of people superpowers and no you're not our only stop tonight So what do you want? Well, basically No, thanks No, thanks like if you want to use your powers to fight crime or help our organization We don't if you did no. Thanks our minimal observation of you has confirmed. You don't have what it takes well I'd rather be part of a freaky shadow organization than be locked up in a cage and dissected so if you could like Fudge our scores or we've got it taken care of all we needed was a few drops of blood from each of you know Okay Okay cool So we can go oh, yeah, sure just knees all over the place and be on your way Yes, you can go Just don't try and use your powers to rob a bank or anything. And if you're in serious trouble call us But try not to get in serious trouble and don't let anyone know if you wind up on the news We'll have to take you out Take us out Yeah, that chance buddy.
You're a cock and you're a cunt. You're just Cocks and cunts for miles over here. You think you can control us?
Yes, power up chief ability Hammers aligns Activate Fail safe and tracking device. Well, I bet you regret forgetting to give me one of those I didn't forget although you should know that the eclipse did affect you Your DNA has been altered in such a way that it made it impossible for you to ever gain special abilities Whether it be from the odd eclipse or some sort of magnetically electrified chemical poisoning one might say you got your own little Superpower, okay, who would say that? I don't know the biggest idiot in the world.
Oh Right the healer. Oh So what's being dead like, huh? All right So this just like a thing that he's gonna do now regularly That is fucking wild man Anyone gonna activate? Pixel take care of it, right? It can't what does it feel like to kill a man? I don't know Next time on anti-hero my blind determination is like a power I will be a hero Ken's gone wrong. So what's the insurance goes through? I'll just burn my apartment down Burn everything in focus on the task at hand Ken needs to be taken care of why is he sick?
And A small comment be one CEO BG2 will pass by tonight coming close to earth than the moon's orbit Okay team Gather round. Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money? They don't have if you phrase it differently than that. Then yes, if you want to smoke go behind the electro nuclear plant next door I feel like if I'm nice they walk all over me, you know, yeah Yeah All right assholes, listen up We just got superpowers you too for sure |
SaturdayNightLive | washington_s_dream_snl | I hear the British are sending another 5,000 troops. How will we ever win this war? by remembering what we fight for. General Washington. sit, please. we need your strength for the fight ahead. we fight for a country of our own, a new nation, where we choose our own laws. Here, sir. choose our own leaders. Yes, sir. and choose our own systems of weights and measures. weighs and measures, Sir? Yes. yes, I dream of that one day. our proud nation will measure weights and pounds, and that 2,000 pounds shall be called a ton.
And what will 1,000 pounds be called, Sir? Nothing. Because we will have no word for that. Seems like we should have a word for 1,000 pounds, sir. And yet we won't.
Because we are free men, and we will be free to measure liquids and liters and milliliters. But not all liquids only sowed off wine and alcohol. Only those, sir. Yes. because for milk and paint, we will use gallons, pints, and quartz, God will. How many liters are in a gallon, Sir? nobody knows.
Sir, in this new country, what plans are there for men of color, such as I? distance will be measured in inches, feet, yard, and mile. So, 12 inches to a foot? 12 feet to a yard. If it were only so simple. Three feet to a yard. And how many yards to a mile? nobody knows. Okay, well, how many feet to a mile? 5,280, of course. it's a simple number that everyone will remember. I must confess, it feels a little complicated, sir. why not use meters and kilometers? we will, soldier. but only in certain unpopular sports like track and swimming. for popular sports, like football, we will use yards. football, sir?
Yes. it's a sport where you throw a ball with your hands. So in football, there is no kicking? There's a little kicking. you kick the ball to get points.
How many points, sir? sometimes one and sometimes three. Very confused, sir. Do not worry. for our new nation, we will have rulers with two sets of numbers. inches on one side, centimeters on the other. so we can see where they line up. Yes, except that they don't line up and they never will.
Liberty, Son. Liberty.
And the slaves, sir. what of them? you asked about the temperature. I did not. we should have two different unrelated scales of temperature. one will make sense to the entire world. and the other will be super random. our great nation will use the random one. What is the scale called, sir? Fahrenheit. spell that for me? Impossible.
But one day, if we were brave, we would get rid of you. and a lot of British words like color and armor. But by God, we will keep the British You in the word glamour. only glamour, sir? only glamour. That is my dream for our countrymen. a melting pot of different measurements that will make Europeans throw little tantrums and short. A land of liberty where all men are free. |
dropout | every_day_is_a_holiday_on_twitter_outtakes | Happy shoes on your feet to everybody. Nope. What'd you say? Happy shoes on your feet. Happy shoes. Okay, okay, okay. Ready? Yeah. Happy shoes on your head. Happy toothpicks and sandwiches awareness month.
Wait, are we all singing? We're all singing.
Grits, grits, grits, expert Grits, grits, grits, grits, great often. I'll never get tired of this kind of stuff.
Hey, brother, you should have been here yesterday. You should have been here yesterday, sister. Sister, you should have been here yesterday. You should have been here yesterday, brother. Oh, cousin, you should have been here yesterday.
Happy broken wheel on a shopping cart awareness day. Huh, never heard of it. Happy giant shit! Whose line is it? Happy just a giant shit day.
Are we all saying it? All of them. Everyone will say it. Okay, okay.
Oh, he's visiting his family for something called Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving.
He's shopping. I don't know where they come from. I don't know who's starting them.
But you gotta stop hopping on the hashtags, okay guys? Trap. This isn't that confusing. Sorry. This is not that confusing. Fucking chuckles over here. Trap? No, no. Trap. This is not that confusing.
Just like yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. I shouldn't have looked at him. I forgot about the wig.
How so? What do you mean? Yesterday. Huh? Gua? Eh?
And then telly me banana. Daylight comes and we wanna go home. Day. I got the baby shoe. Hey! Six more weeks of winter. Where is everyone? Oh, they all went home to visit their families. For National Calico Club. Let's reset.
Happy National Sweater Day. I was looking into the camera. Happy Giant Shirt Day. It's just a giant shirt. I call it National Jumper Day. That's great. Oh, it's also 80's prom dress.
Hello? No! You know, that's all.
Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
cracked | iphone_pilot_kind_of_a_douchebag | We were departing from Chicago to Newark, New Jersey, when we got the call that our flight was going to be delayed three hours. Three hour delay, or an hour and a half flight.
So, I took out my iPhone when I went to weather.com. I noticed that the rain showers had passed our field, at which point I contacted Dispatch and told them the news. Sure enough, about a half an hour later, Dispatch called back and said, you're free to fly. And then they'll have to start. At first it was just the one guy. And then I realized they had the whole air traffic control tower on speaker phone. Laughing. Someone said, thanks for the weather update. It's not like we're a fucking air traffic control tower or anything.
Some guy called me own wise one and asked me to explain the internet. Real sarcastic. And now everyone calls me eye fag. The other day, one of those guys that directs the planes with the orange cones keep my car right in front of me. He knew I was there. He was making eye contact with me the whole time. |
cracked | the_motherf_ing_biff_song_cracked_and_friends | This is a goof dick song in G. Watch me for the changes. Try to keep up. There certainly are a lot of different biffs. You can remember them all with this simple trick. Just listen up your ears and say hello McFly. Watch back to the future and you'll realize... And you'll realize Marty! Well, my name's not Marty, but yeah. There's biffs all around. Too many to name. I won't get into it. Yeah, come on, Marty!
Okay, I will, cause when you're dead and rotting with worms and maggots in your eyes, the biffs will be here still. And it's me and Biff down by the schoolyard. And at last, for the least, when the old ones would begin, the manure hit the sheet, and they remembered that you were dead.
And if we're innocent, then I think we are. And those biffs who are not mentioned are still all space-time-spanning. The numerous implied biffs are got the fall of Madame Tannen. And we'll travel along the stars, and we'll travel toward the sun. Till we've learned how many different biffs there are, biffs number one.
Now you know, might not be ready for that, but your kids, kids are gonna love it. From the movie. Hey guys, thanks for watching the video. Hope you liked it a whole lot. Make sure to subscribe and leave the comments and click the like button to show you like it. Don't be too mean in the comments. Thanks.
On Monday, Wednesday, Friday, we got brand new videos for you. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we don't do that. On the weekends, we also don't do that. So be sure to check them out on Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
You guys are the best. I'll crack you later. Thanks for cracking. |
SaturdayNightLive | baby_monitor_snl | Dude, your house is sick. and you're sure your parents are gone for the night? Oh, totally. it's their anniversary, so they'll be fighting in a nice restaurant for the next six hours. that's so cool. I can't believe they trust you to be home alone.
Well, someone had to watch the twins. wait, the twins? Yeah, my baby brother and baby sister. look, they're on the baby monitor. Oh, they're so sweet. I realized we're babysitting.
Yeah, I thought we were gonna rage tonight. No, we can still totally party all night long. on that note, who wants to drink my dad's beer? Me! uh-oh, I think the babies are up. don't worry, she'll go back to sleep. I think she actually just woke up her brother. Me! me! me! me! me!
Damn, their eyes are freaky. Yeah, it looks like when you catch raccoons, they're gonna get you. Let's focus. let's get this party started. it sounds like they're still crying, though. shouldn't you go in there and, like, comfort them or something? Wow, you're supposed to, like, let them self-soothe. uh, that doesn't sound like self-soothing. they'll be asleep in two seconds, I promise. yeah, I don't think so. now they're doing laps around the corner.
Well, that's good. that'll tuck her out. I'm not so sure. Yeah, I don't know how to say this, but it looks like they're stunting buckwild. I know.
Yeah, I mean, it's before bed, so they're loaded with sugar right now. wait, are you allowed to give babies chocolate? Uh, yeah, Megan, they're not dogs, they're babies. Guys, I thought you wanted a party. we did, But this is definitely more interesting. Yeah, it looks like they're fighting. Oh, they're just roughhousing. it's what siblings do. Wait, actually, I have a baby brother and sister, and I have never seen them do that.
Go give them a piece of Brudders. Wait, are babies supposed to eat full pieces of bread? uh, I don't think so, but the babies definitely seem to like it. hey, now who wants to focus on getting wasted? Honestly, I don't want to get drunk anymore. I just want to sit here and watch these babies go hard.
Wait, what the hell? am I? Sometimes he's not. that's not concerning to you. No, no, who wants to chunk hand sanitizer and try out my dad's underwear? None of us.
Gina, why are you acting so crazy? Gina, why are you trying to party so hard?
These babies need you. Look, guys, this might come as a complete shock to you, but I'm not a huge party girl. I've never even had a sip of alcohol. yeah, obviously. wait, wait, wait, what the hell? what are you looking at? is that a baby monitor? Oh, my God. are you watching us? |
cracked | why_everyone_is_obsessed_with_the_apocalypse_the_cracked_podcast | Welcome to this live episode of the Crank Podcast produced with GE as part of their breakthrough series on National Geographic, Nat Geo, Natty G's, Natty, but a Geo thing. But before we get into it, you may be noticing three suspiciously respectable-looking people on stage with us. Let's meet our impressive guests.
Up first is the Oscar-winning screenwriter of A Beautiful Mind and many a post-apocalyptic blockbuster from I Am Legend and I Robot to the Transformer films. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Akiva Goldsman. First Academy Award winner to appear on our podcast, must be a real honor for you.
Possibly laugh. Just pitching. Our next guest is one of the insane mad scientists from Akiva's breakthrough episode. He's helping turn the beer-making process into a beer and clean energy-making process.
Please welcome Mr. Eric Fitch. I just want to make it clear up top that I'm not just randomly addressing you, like I'm your middle-aged gym teacher, like calling you- Yo Fitch. Yo Fitch.
Incidentally also, far too handsome to be a mad scientist and not be evil, so I'm already suspicious of Fitch. Very true, very true. And next to him, another one of these suspiciously handsome mad scientists trying to save the world types.
He helped shape GE's international water policy, helps the power and water division develop technology that will basically ensure that the world has clean water and renewable energy and doesn't have to resort to drinking RMP like in that water world movie. Please welcome Mr. John Friedman. Is that on your vision board for like what you want to do on a daily basis, just avoid drinking your own pee? I may not have an academy award, Akiva, but I am helping provide the world with clean water and pee.
That's all you're going to say, Alomite. That would be amazing. But I do want to start- And pee! There it is.
And the academy award goes to- I do want to talk about post-apocalyptic movies. Do you feel like people are getting more interested in the apocalypse from like the time you started writing movies to today or is it just kind of been a steady hunger? Oh, I think a steady diet of Armageddon is pretty much a staple. I'm certainly more interested in the apocalypse every time I turn on the news and see Donald Trump, but in fairness, I think we have never had a shortage of apocalyptic fantasy. Well, that's incredibly comforting to me because as someone who grew up over time, if you're familiar, it does seem to me that or I've often feared that we have this special affinity for the apocalypse right now and I worry about things that are like self-fulfilling So you believe that like if you think of a thing it happens?
Yeah, well to some degree, which I think is why it's so great that things like Breakthrough are getting the word out there about like I think the first step to actually fighting climate change is or at least a part of it is people who are storytellers inculcating the youth, right? Like Captain Planet to me is why there's a green movement for me. That's awesome. So I do feel like there is this, you need to embed it in the consciousness and by the same token, I worry like, is everyone going to make I am Legend happen because I really don't want to live that.
Yeah.
But I do feel like the solution to water scarcity does involve in effect drinking your own pee. You know, all the flip-flopping left and right. But if you look around the world, you know, we are seeing water scarcity in many places, you know, in Brazil, the taps are running dry in Sao Paulo here in California, we're in the fourth year of the worst drought in the past 500 years. And yet there's a solution. So all this post-apocalyptic notion that there's not water, I don't think it is accurate because we can desalinate water as long as you have coastline, or we can treat wastewater so it can be reused for agriculture, industry. Or drinking.
Don't dodge it. You've embraced it. Yeah. Well, when you said it wasn't accurate, I was really hoping you would say, because I know where the water is, you know, where we're keeping it, where it's hiding.
Here's how I look at desal, which is, it's an incredible option to have if there's no other option. In other words, there's no such thing as absolute water scarcity as long as you have coastline, because the technology exists to take seawater, strip out the H2O molecule, leave behind the salt and everything else is bad. But the other technology that I think you go to before desal is wastewater reuse. Because again, the technology exists, I mentioned that earlier. But it costs half to a quarter as much as desal. And now there's this new technology which will allow you to treat wastewater for reuse while also extracting energy from the process. So much energy, you can actually add it back to the grid.
We did mention Quantum of Solace. In watching that, have you seen the Bond movie about water?
Was that a, like, hmm? Experience or a... Right. Well, I imagine you watching it like Neil deGrasse Tyson watches Gravity. Just be like, no, no, that's not a no with the water. Right. Nice try, Dominic Green.
Yeah, so my company, we do that thing John was just talking about, where we take wastewater and we extract what energy is available from it. We export that energy to the grid. We treat the wastewater to a point that it's clean enough to reuse.
One of the opportunities that we've been working on is a brewery in Delaware called Dogfish Head. And beer is a neat thing to work with for a lot of good reasons. You might not know this, but for every barrel of beer you make, you can make three to five barrels of wastewater. And it's all from cleaning the process. There's a whole bunch of batch processes. Clean them out and there's yeast and tube and hops and all kinds of grains and things.
And it's nasty. Because it's nasty, it's hard to get rid of.
And it's really, really rich in organic content. And what we figured out how to do is take that rich organic content and extract all the carbon and convert it into fuel. That way you can use the fuel and, you know, there's two values there. It's renewable fuel. But then you've got that water clean so you can reuse that water.
How many beers in? And getting people drunk. Sorry, I shouldn't. Was it on the eighth beer where you're like, waste water, oh my God.
So are there other inefficiencies that like you kind of have your eye on, like, okay, this is the next thing. There are a lot of things.
Think about any food and beverage manufacturing process, especially where there's liquids. Milk, if you're making ice cream or yogurt or even just plain milk, you might not know that everybody now is drinking whole milk and the dairy guys have to throw away their skim milk. We take whole tanker loads of skim milk and process them through our facilities.
Yeah, I think I heard that Greek yogurt like produces a waste product that is like, yeah, yeah, that's the thing that they melt the Terminator in at the end of T2. Highly radioactive, yeah, that's a huge one. The big difference between regular yogurt and Greek yogurt, a centrifuge and you get Greek yogurt. You start off with regular yogurt, you put it through the centrifuge, you get Greek yogurt, which is thick and creamy, and then you get this other stuff called acid whey, which is a really low pH, lactose material. I thought the Greek yogurt process was one guy and one goat and a mountain.
I did not realize the picture on the, on the dome, anything industrial at all. This is shocking. This also makes me feel like I'm going to ask how eggs are made and it's like, well, first you have a, you make steel and then the steel, you put it in centrifuge.
We want to get back to some post-apocalyptic movies and why we watch them. That does seem like our comfort zone. Yeah, I think so. Well, yeah, Alex, you were pointing out an interesting point about kind of why we watch post-apocalyptic movies and like, it's sort of this idea that we're like doing it to get back to a state of nature, like sort of be off the grid in a sense. I mean, was that fantasy kind of in your mind when you were writing I Am Legend? Like the idea of. I think that post-apocalyptic movies for the most part are about simplification, right? I think that when you're telling those stories, I mean, even though typically the context is elaborate in the way it destroys the world around you, the world is unbelievably simple. So I think they are kind of wish fulfillment. And with that in mind, you can sort of take various tones.
You can go as sort of stark as Walking Dead or as, what's it? Talking Dead. Talking Dead, or you can sort of be the last man on earth, you know?
I mean, the truth is that it's really nice to know where the good guys and the bad guys are. It's really nice to know that if I do these things, today I will live. And if I don't, I will die.
And what's amazing about the idea of post-apocalyptic is it really, it's sort of like saying science fiction, you know what I mean? It's not really one thing. It's a zillion things, right?
So if you have Will Smith in the middle of a post-apocalyptic New York, you're going to play wish fulfillment, right? If you have Viggo Mortensen walking down the road, you're not. But fundamentally, the grammar is still going to be the same, which is about survival. Are there movie apocalypse rules of thumb that we don't know about? Yes.
But I'm not at liberty to tell you. You're not at liberty. You can't tell us. You have to have bondage gear if it takes place in the desert.
Well, I think you know that. Right, yeah, that's just, that's clear to everyone. That's kind of obvious.
He's comparing, I think, the Vincent Price Last Man on Earth, which bears some resemblance to I Am Legend. It's funny to me that two post-apocalyptic stories for the time in which they were written, one, the ultimate message, spoiler alert for like a 55-year-old.
The message is like, you're the jerk, and you didn't know. You're the asshole. And everything's awful.
I think we've moved into a phase where it's much more wishful. And not to diverge off into my own version of each of them, but we failed in our version of I Am Legend because we copped out at the end. The truth is that narrative, which Richard Matheson wrote, is about us being the bad guy. It has always been about, in the Price version, in the Heston version, in our version, as originally shot and still available on the worldwide. The original ending is we are the monster. And that was what Matheson was writing about. And then we sort of did that thing that everybody says happens in Hollywood, which in fact does, where we were like, oh, god, what if humans are the bad guys? That will be bad.
And we went and re-shot an ending. Was that based on testing? It just didn't test well and say you re-shot?
All those things are true. Wow. That's crazy.
And I think there's something to be said for our times that test audiences today don't want to see the downer post-apocalyptic. They would rather see Viggo Mortensen barely win than someone loses. No, I mean, fundamentally, our happy ending will sacrifice himself and died. And in the actual and the ending more consistent with the source material, he survived. But he realized that humans were obsolete. And people much preferred the idea that he died. But humans still had a place on the planet than the opposite.
So literally, if a character is revealing an ugly side of you, you're like, kill that guy. I don't want him around.
All right, do we want to go around and give our movie apocalypse that we're most hoping will actually happen? See, I'm scared about jinxing us into the apocalypse. So a depicted one that has been depicted that we would like to have.
Right. Yeah, or the one that seems like it would be the most fun. This is a very weird thing to say. But as basically an atheist, I would love if revelations happened because I am humbling. I would immediately be like, oh, I was wrong. I would out get on board real fast. And I'd just like a definitive answer to that whole issue. If I heard the Trump in a game, I'd be like, no, fuck me then. All right, I was fine. I like definitive things.
Do you guys have any apocalypses you're rooting for? On behalf of GE, could you please say which apocalypse? They're engineering. I'd be happy to answer that question. Let me just say that GE is not hoping for any particular apocalypse. Very bad for the apocalypse. We go with a portfolio approach. Whatever it is, I just hope it's not my fault.
I think all oncoming asteroid movies get people really stoked about the space program in a very good way. I think that's a very good, you don't want it to hit, obviously, but it creates a lot of astronaut jobs for astronaut-type people and construction workers.
Plus, I've always assumed in the Mad Max universe, everywhere about Australia has already recovered from the apocalypse. So that'd be good as long as I wasn't in Australia. You just get to watch Australia, just get fucking crazy. It's in the same universe as 28 Days Later, they're like, everything's fine, except Australia.
Don't tell them, or go there.
In the stand, you suddenly get the sense that there's a world behind the world that's emerged, and there's a whole other set of rules that's coming. So it's not just the sort of reductive, minimized version of our world. It's sort of the window into the new world, and then it ends, so you don't know what happens.
If you watch the program on energy, there's a woman there that's working on fusion, and they've got $3.6 billion of your money invested in it. They're pretty close. If they get that to work, that changes the world forever. That's amazing. Can you explain how it changes the world? Like what would happen? Yeah, so they're working at a way to supply an infinite, essentially infinite amount of energy with a small amount of water. The sun has gravity, and it pulls all of these hydrogen atoms together, and eventually they merge. So you have fusion, and you make a helium atom. And when that happens, you have a tremendous amount of energy that's released. And you can imagine. It's just unlimited energy. Yeah, well, it's not unlimited.
So here's your apocalypse. So eventually, the helium squeezes together under the gravity, and it becomes something else, and it becomes something else. And I think eventually you get to the point where you've made iron, and everything turns to iron, and then it becomes a red dwarf or something. And that's the end of- You can do a few different things depending on the mass of the star right there. Yeah, so that's the end. When our, you know, without the sun, obviously, we've got no Earth here. So eventually the sun burns itself out through fusion.
That sounds terrible. I thought this was supposed to be something that was, you know, without bad side effects.
But, you know, genuinely, I really feel like we have all the technology we need to meet all of the world's water needs today. And the water story is very happy.
And just to defend fusion for a second. The trick for all these technologies is more energy out than in, right? Like that's, it's simple math of that, which is if I get more out than I put in, I'm, you know, I'm advantaged. And the trick with fusion is there's a tremendous amount of energy that goes in, but if it gets it right, the amount that comes out is exponentially larger and it's self-sustaining. So that it really would solve all the energy problems of the world. It's just, nobody's quite got it right yet.
Thank you guys for coming out. Ateeva, Finch, John, and Michael and Alex. And we'll be out front later on.
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | zoe_kravitz_and_rosalia_ditched_a_double_date_with_mikey_day_and_chris_redd_snl | Hi, I'm Zoey Kravitz, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Rosalia. Whoa, crazy, that was my first promo. Oh, it's actually mine too. also mine. Yeah, I've done a couple of them, so you know. Wow. good for you. whatever. I wasn't gonna lie. it's not my fault I'm good at promos. Hi, I'm Zoey Kravitz, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Rosalia. Yes. Hello, Zoey. hey, Chris. Rosalia, good to see you. Mikey, like Weiss.
Guess this is the first time we've all been together since our double date. Oh, you mean the double date where you guys bounced in the first 10 minutes?
Just thought it was a red flag when Mikey screamed at the waiter for not letting him order off the kid's menu. I like Mac and cheese. is that a crime?
Hi, I'm Zoey Kravitz, and I'm hosting Snl this week with Rosalia. I'm glad the woman is hosting.
Yeah, this place has a lot of boy energy. Yeah. push it. it's my spot. I'm the more senior cast member, aren't they? Are you okay? yeah, and you just gotta kind of let them work it out. I'm sorry. you sure do. |
SaturdayNightLive | cnn_spitzer_auditions_saturday_night_live | Alright, gang, as you may have heard, Kathleen Parker is leaving the show, So today, we're having auditions for the new co-host of Parker Spitzer. Boom Time! let's get started. Okay, Mr. Spitzer. we are ready to go. First up is former Cnn colleague, Christiane Amanpour. Hello, everyone! forgive me, should I call you Governor or Mr. Spitzer? everyone here just calls me the Bone Ranger. no one calls him that. that's something he's trying to start. Okay. and read the prompter in three, Two, one. Hello and welcome to Amanpour Spitzer. Tonight, Secretary of State Clinton says the Palestinian-israeli conflict can be resolved. we'll examine. That's total crap. the U.s. has no clout in the Middle East anymore. Uh, we'll examine what Spitzer in there.
I know, I negotiate. I do. I once convinced an escort to accept the border's gift card. you're the most unpleasant man I've ever met, and I've met Saddam Hussein. it was a joke. Come on. really bad, Elliot. really, really bad. Uh, don't worry, skip. we'll find the right fit. I bet you five bucks we don't. uh, I'd like to take that bet, but my wife doesn't let me carry money anymore.
Moving on from Bravo Tv, Heidi Klum. Guten Tag. Perfect. Yes. Hired. Three, two, one. Welcome to Klum Spitzer. it's a beautiful ring to it.
Tonight, we'll meet President Obama's new Economyeconomiceconomic Council. Economy Council head, Gene Sperling. Yeah, you got it. yeah. he is currently counselor to Timothy Geithner. Alright. cut. Heidi, I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like you know much about politics.
So am I in or out? In or Out? In, Out, In, Out, In, out, in, out?
I'm about to say something awful. you should go. I'll be the same. Alright. well, that's it, Elliot. no one's left. So what? I don't get a new co-host? Not unless you can think of someone who's out of a job and can tolerate working with you.
Hello and welcome to Patterson Spitzer. Tonight, the year after the earthquake in Haiti, rubble is still piled in the streets. Pardot Prince is covered in so much garbage they might rename it New Jersey. it's my favorite person in the world. High five. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jamie_sale_and_david_pelletier_on_not_being_asked_to_host_snl | Um, excuse us, hey. pardon? hey. excuse us. sorry. can we help you? sorry. sorry to interrupt your comedy programming. we're Jamie Saleh and David Peltier, the Canadian pair skaters. Great. great. What are you doing here?
We were looking for fellow Canadian, Lorne Michaels. See, Jamie and I thought we'd be invited to host Saturday Night Live this week, but instead he chose U.s.
Olympian Johnny Mosley, even though he came in fourth in his event. And we came in first and second at the same time.
Yeah. you know, nobody's ever done that before, eh? No. no. no. no. sorry, guys. we already started the show. Johnny Mosley's the host. well, the last time this happened, what happened was the Russians won, and then later they said we won too. So we figured that it's not too late. we could host the rest of the show, maybe.
Yeah. you know, because we have to say, you know, we're so funny. Yeah. Jamie does a hilarious impression of our coach.
Do it. Do it? Yeah. do it. go for it, you guys. that's so funny. he sounds just like that. he does. he does? he does, eh? Jamie's got all kinds of funny characters. Go. do it.
Oh, okay. call this character Quanise. she's a black homeless from Montreal. people say I'm crazy, but you the ones paying $400 for coffee. who's crazy now, Honky? that is a good character. pretty good, actually, yeah. we have a host, though, with Johnny Mosley. we have a host. Sorry. we'll go. sorry about your shirt. sorry about you. sorry about you. sorry about you. |
SaturdayNightLive | alaska_airlines_ad_snl | As you may have heard, an Alaska Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing after a cabin door broke off. here at Alaska, safety is our number one concern. But you gotta admit, look pretty cool. plane flying around, no door. everyone's screaming, cell phones whipping out into the sky. it was awesome. that's why our new slogan is, Alaska Airlines, you didn't die and you got a cool story. on other airlines, you can watch movies, but on Alaska, you're in the movie. And if you think Alaska the state is cold, just wait till our plane's roof rips off. since the incident, we're starting to make some changes. you know, those bolts that hold the plane together? we're gonna go ahead and tighten some of those. We've also made a few small updates to our in-flight safety brochure. And for extra precaution, we'll now be taking off with the inflatable slide already deployed. when people ask me where the emergency exits are, I'm like, there, there, and in ten minutes, probably there. You know how Hawaiian Airlines always gives out leis when you land?
Well, we've got our own version. Are we in Cleveland? Close. the Pacific Ocean.
And to make everyone feel safer, we've hired Sully out of retirement. I don't know if I can do it again. he's a lot older now.
I was on that flight. at the time, I was terrified. But now, I'm the coolest person at the office. everyone stopping by my cubicle all want to know about that little boy whose shirt got sucked out the plane. some airlines give you a little wing pin when you get off the plane, but Alaska gives you a commemorative photo of your flight. this was $50. So Fly Alaska. Fly Alaska. we're the same airline where a pilot tried to turn off the engine mid-flight while on mushrooms. And now we're so proud to say that's our second worst flight. Alaska Airlines, Still better than Spirit. |
dropout | full_benefits_the_next_step | Hey, I meant to ask you, whatever happened to Joe? Ugh, we did it for a few more weeks, uh, and then... Hey, there's my bear!
What are you doing? I'm filming you hammering like you told me to. I know, just playin' the part! Wow, you really look like you are a good hammer. Who is this even for?
Bear. Yeah, okay, for the last time, Joe, I'm a... No! Bear!
What? Oh my god, oh my god, Joe, what are we doing? Hey, look at me. You're right, okay? I got this. AHHH! He died?
Puff, did I startle you? Because you startled me! Are you sure you seem freakishly calm?
I'm talking about the other night, silly. Sorry, yours would be more specific. Do you remember sitting outside a bar?
No. On a bench? No. Kissing David? No.
Well, I do. I saw it happen. And if you ever so much as talk to David again, I'll destroy you. Because guess what?
You're insane. I'm insane!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. You want the stuff? Mm-hmm. Okay. Come on. Do you want me to close the door, or... No. Leave it open.
Oh! Oh, hey! Are you okay? Oh yeah, everything's great.
My girlfriend's gonna freezer me, but other than that... Really? Lucy, I never pegged her for the murdering type, but... Oh, you're talking about Rachel. There we go. That makes sense. You know she drank my blood once? What? Okay, so you and I should talk about the other night. I had such... Okay.
Not in public, though, because she'll see us.
I'll contact you. But when? And how will I know it's you? You'll know. David, what's the Habs? Nice background. Who is that? Peekaboo Street? I have a message for you.
The rooster requests the crow in the room of clouds when the clock flies V. I really don't have time for your haikus right now. No, see, the rooster requests the crow in the room of clouds when the clock flies V. Oh, okay. Tell the rooster... The rooster says the crow should not be offended by what kind of bird he is. Okay, but tell the rooster... The rooster says fine, you can be a kangaroo. Yes! Now, tell the rooster... The rooster says she'd be happy to hear the kangaroo's alternative to room of clouds, but honestly, she thinks room of clouds is a pretty awesome code word. Hmm. Okay, tell the rooster... The rooster is fine with the marshmallow kingdom. Just meet her there when the clock flies V. I really need to get back to work. Okay, but just tell the rooster...
She's not budging on the clock part. Fair enough. Thanks, Dan. It's not Dan. It's Golden Unicorn.
Seriously? Hey.
Sorry for all the secrecy. I wanted to talk to you earlier, but I like being alive. Fair point. Okay, I want to talk to you about something. Okay, I want to... I want to be with you too.
Wow, bold move right there. I could have said literally anything. Yeah, well, I figured it was either that or you were going to tell me you wanted Dan's code name.
I mean, Golden Unicorn is just so much cooler. Kangaroos cool. Yeah, I know, they're my favorite animal, but Golden Unicorn is just awesome.
So we're going to do this. Me, you, tandem bikes, couples massages... Wow, I'm sort of rethinking things right now. Yeah, me too. But yes, yeah, absolutely. Okay, I guess we should call HR. Yeah, or we could just do this. Seriously, you guys?
Jesus, you two do not respect the work environment. No, this is a meeting we had scheduled. It was a meeting...
Guys, you're not giving me much of a choice here. I'm not... You're at work. Sorry to have to do this, but you're fired. Somebody should get rid of this magic closet already. |
dropout | Sam_Says_Game_Changer_Full_Episode | Get ready for a game changer Tonight's guests Without a GM, the show would be A-Chainer It's Brennan Lee Mulligan Izzy for short Ostentatia for long It's Isabella Rowland Mr. On 3, Lou on 6, Wilson on 9 It's Mr. Lou Wilson And your host, me I've been here the whole time This is Game Changer The only game show where the game changes every show Except for Ellen's Game of Games, Taskmaster, and a few others that have come to light since I wrote that I am your host, Sam Reich I'm joined today by these three lovely contestants Now, you all understand how the game works? No, it's not been explained to any of us Yeah, the game's different all the time, you said that So we don't know what's happening today That's the longest that bit's ever gone on That's right, our players have no idea what game it is they're about to play The only way to learn is by playing The only way to win is by learning And the only way to begin is by beginning So without further ado, let's begin by giving each of you 25 points Okay, so there's just loose points flying around?
Points as far as the eye can see Oh, yeah Sam says, touch your nose Sam says, touch your ear Sam says, touch your other ear Touch your other ear Easy, right? Quite literally, child's play Now, touch your other ear You ain't gonna get us You ain't gonna get us Like you said, this is child's play Sam says, touch your elbow Sam says, touch your belly button Sam says, touch the top of your head Sam says, touch your chin Ooh, formidable opponents Sam says, pull on your ears Sam says, make a little arm wave Very good Sam says, touch just your pinkies together Good, keep them just like that I didn't say Sam says for that last one That's a point away from all three of you Because we kept them together? Because you kept them Just like that Wow Following the commands of the previous instruction Is a secondary priority And the first priority Would be not following a command That is not given in the correct form The little computer in Brennan's brain Is so excited already I didn't understand Yeah, me neither Let's go again Because I think I got it Sam says, slap your knees Sam says, do a thumb war with yourself Sam says, lick your philtrum Okay, technically I think All three of you passed that Really? Your philtrum is the little space between your nose and your lips The two of these guys decided to do inside their lips If there's any anatomists watching You can tell me if I should have deducted a point there anywhere Sam says, hands on your hips Sam says, hands on your butt Sam says, hands on your head Sam says, hand on your stomach I said hand, not hands That's points away from all three I had ear tubes put in when I was a child So for you to do that Is actually so wrong Is bigotry This is on you, sir 23 points For all three of our players No one's winning yet, gang No one's losing yet All in the spirit of good fun Sam says, shake it off Sam says, shake out your head Sam says, shake out your feet Sam says, shake out your hand Yes! Well done!
Players, you've been doing great so far But Sam says, let's make this a touch more competitive By taking this one player at a time Oh Sam says, say something will have to bleep Starting with Brennan Fuck! Okay, Izzy, let's see what you got Sam says, say something will have to bleep Cunt I love the way that was enunciated Lou, Sam says, say something will have to bleep Pussy asshole? I am realizing something At the end of this round I would like to go again if I could I'll give it to you Can you repeat the instructions one more time? Sam says, say something will have to bleep Okay Oh, I want to go again too I'd also like a second opportunity It's only fair It's only fair Hey, I know that you Can't play the Beatles, Beatles, Beatles, Beatles, Beatles, Beatles, Beatles I don't want to give too much away, Brennan But well done Izzy, Sam says, say something will have to bleep Something will have to bleep Holy shit Bitch Now I'm questioning myself Lou, Sam says, say something will have to bleep I am paid by college humor And I would like to come out as like someone who's paid by the company And say that bleep is innocent And that is the expressed opinion of formerly college humor Now drop out the show Game Changers Bleep is innocent Did it, do it Whoever killed those people is still out there This is the opinion of the company that puts this show on and produces it We know that for a fact It's in company emails that I will happily pull up on my phone My excitement has flipped to fear for this episode So what was supposed to happen just now Is I was supposed to award one of you All three of those were so creative That I'm going to award points to all three of you Wow Keeping this even across the board for now I do want to say because of what just happened That this episode can't air That you know for a fact O.J. did it Sam says, create a neighbor across the street Hi Hyperion chiropractic Hello Lyric Hyperion Sam says, realize you don't have your wallet Oh Simon says, nod at a babbling baby as if you understand Sam says, nod at a babbling baby as if you understand Oh, okay Yay Sam says, don't flinch I feel like that counts Lou Yeah it does I feel like that counts Of course it counts It's a point away from Lou Wilson I'm not going to pretend like I didn't flinch That was terrifying I heard Lou's butthole Sam says, remember that the virtuous economic cycle Is when earnings contribute to taxes Contribute to government programs Contribute to earnings Sam says, share some gossip starting with Brennan You can either share it out loud Or if you don't want to You can share it into my ear I'll accept that too And is this question going to be posed to everybody? Yes And will only one person be awarded points? That's the idea Okay How about Oh no, that could end a relationship Ours There's a community member Of a non-college humor place Where I do work Who we had someone come in As a new staff member of the community And this person is so promiscuous That a director at this place Had to pull them aside and say You are not allowed to talk to this new person That is contractor interfacing with our company A little cryptic Brennan I'll take it Pretty mild, pretty mild if you ask me That's a salsa everyone at the table will enjoy Wow Izzy Sam says, what do you got? Holy fucking shit Izzy Oh that's really good, yeah Okay now everybody knows except for me I feel left out Uh, Lou, what do you got for me? A member of the Dimension 20 cast Recently got a new tattoo But we're not saying who Depends on how many points are in it Exactly How bad do you And possibly the people at home want to know Is it worth Three points Three points? Now we're negotiating? I mean this is game changers We don't know the rules I am gonna say that particular point Goes to Izzy But also since I didn't say Sam says to Lou That Lou gets a point taken away from him Bringing him to 22 Gotta keep a watch out guys Cause I'll get ya I was just eager to share Rapid fire Sam says Check a burger to see if it's burnt Salmon says Look at your partner of 50 years And realize you have a rare And a special kind of love Sam says Look at your partner of 50 years And realize you have a rare And a special kind of love Sam says Worry if those are actually fireworks Sam says Don't flinch Stop That is a point away from Izzy And from Lou Can we have that? Let's see how you feel I won't touch it I promise Oh he's really gonna give it to me I mean look It's only fair right?
Sam says Oh my god Come on dude Come on You thought there was gonna be a little break And it would be like a call back Immediate second beat I'm learning a lot about Izzy In this episode I'm crazy Yes My heart rate is so fast right now Sam says Make an accurate prediction About the rest of the episode Inside your drawers You'll find a little slip of paper and a pen I will be collecting those predictions In this Cute little predictions envelope Thank you art team The most impressive prediction Is the one that I will award the point Ultimately This goes away There you go There you go Oh god I didn't flinch Yeah that's the best I've ever done And the best I'll ever do Sam says Do something jiffable We'll start with you Lou Brandon, Sam says Do something jiffable Reaction I'll take it Izzy, let's hear from you No Oh god Good job Izzy, Sam says Let's do something jiffable Whoo God damn it I was going to write that I was going to write That you would even write That you would either Pull up or take off your shirt Damn it That was my favorite I'm going to give you the point 25 for Izzy Sam says Back that ass up Sam says Come on and let me hear you say hey-oh Hey-oh Sam says Put your hand in the air Like you just don't care That is points away from Lou and Brennan For putting hands up Instead of a hand up Does anyone ever rip down the game changer song? Let's play Sam says Oh god Nothing Brennan, Sam says What was the virtuous economic cycle? Earnings, taxes, government programs, back to earnings Very well done Brennan That is a point for you Bringing you to 24 Just behind Izzy Always From now on Your trigger phrase is Simon says Not Sam says Simon says Harmonize Not today That is a point away from Izzy and Lou I didn't say Sam says about the whole Simon says thing I just thought it would be more fun if we did it Sam says Your trigger phrase is now Simon says Sam says harmonize Izzy, what are you doing? Sam said that it's now Simon says And then started the next command with Sam says That's a point away from Izzy Sam says Your trigger phrase is now back to Sam says Sam says harmonize Do you take us for fools, sir? Apologies Simon says Your trigger phrase is now back to Sam says Sam says harmonize Keep it going That is points away from Lou and points away from Brennan I like singing And if you give me an opportunity to do it I'll take advantage of it Sam says Propose a visual effect to go here starting with Izzy Explain to me what the visual effect is A bunch of buttholes The lady said butthole, Sam Sorry, the visual effect is a bunch of buttholes?
Okay Sorry, we're gonna actually make these I know Now I'm thinking about Could you just show me where the buttholes are, where they appear? Everywhere Okay So are they appearing behind you as well as in front of you Or like can you provide me with any more explanation Or just a lot of buttholes All over the universe Copy Brennan Sam says Propose a visual effect to go here Buttholes Buttholes More buttholes I wanted to find efficiency Different And when I say different I mean radically different No And it's up to you animator No no no It's up to you to figure out One's crinkly, one's smooth Now we have to spend more money on more buttholes You're welcome I shouldn't complain I'm the host of the show This is all my fault Lou Sam says Propose a visual effect to go here Okay fantastic So we're cutting into like a Steven Soderbergh Oceans 11 kind of like things are starting to split up So you got my box that's slowly drifting over into the left corner That's another box of me just snapping right And that's appearing down left here That's me snapping You can kind of repeat that So there's me talking Then we're tight in on my points Because that's what the heist is about How are we going to get these points back? Then appearing in like a new corner In like one of those like panel A's The three me snapping my points And me talking have all shifted in the left Now you got a big like the other half of the screen In the Soderbergh Oceans 11 type thing Just becomes a fucking raw butthole Right and so you got me But then this one becomes a butthole Then the one that was my points becomes a butthole Then the one that's me talking That's the only one left But the rest of the screen And all the different Steven Soderbergh things are buttholes You know what we've done today? Make art Spend thousands of dollars on buttholes Yes Good job Hope you're happy all of you That point goes to Lou Wilson Lou Wilson What?
The heist is working guys It's all going according to play Sam says hide behind your mom's legs When she wants to introduce you to someone Salmon says try to break down a complicated cardboard box Did you say salmon? Sam says try to break down a complicated cardboard box Damn it! So start at that base Because that tab We can't break that tab Because the tab actually needs to fold back in When we're done And if you just grab that and lift that Lift that Lift that Lift that I gave up Sam says realize your hands have telekinetic abilities Buttholes Sam says catch Motherfucker Oh my god what the fuck?
Shoot another one here Oh god dammit No come on Oh shit I dropped one It's okay it's not over Oh How many did we get? Caught one One, two One!
Very good but I think that point goes to Brennan Mulligan Bringing Brennan to twenty Why? Okay He caught two Izzy Sam says what did Brennan do that was jiffable? Reaction! That is correct That is a point for Izzy bringing I mean quite literally a taste of my own medicine Given how this has gone so far I'm legit worried about this next one Starting with Lou Sam says upset a producer Sam says please don't ruin any expensive equipment Can I move? Yeah That's good Oh you got it Lou it turned off Oh no Oh no Oh god Oh god that's gonna take real time Yep I know Second AD you should probably find a PA who can stay late today Oh Oh he's still going He's still going Hope that wasn't important I'm sorry there's somebody back there Izzy Can I borrow your phone? Sam says upset a producer Sure yeah yeah What? Hi David David Kearns It's Izzy David partner at College Humor executive producer I wanted to let you know that I recorded a video of Brennan saying he hates his fans The more upset they get the happier he is and the more money he makes That's an odd deal I uploaded it and showed his dick As an addendum Sorry Sorry Sorry with a bunch of Y's Did you send it? It's it We'll see how David responds There you go Brennan, Sam says upset a producer Now that was an audible gasp Oh boy I think that I think that I think that goes to Brennan would do anything For what? To win anything Yeah that point goes to Brennan you know sometimes less is more And in that case I could actually feel myself getting a little upset I'm just going to recover from that Sam says let's revisit those predictions from there shall we From one of you, you'll have to tell me too Brennan will physically touch Sam above the waist Oh it's my dream I don't think that happened No From Izzy I'm going to fart without anybody knowing it Izzy I want you to be honest with me Did you? You did The air horn is really helpful Oh as far as disguising farts is concerned There you go Or prompting them I wrote the moment this paper is collected the air horn will be sounded again Oh god Oh that's so good Okay I think in terms of creativity I have to give that to Brennan as well Bringing Brennan to 26 Players for this next prompt I am going to require the help of Ash Would you come out here please with the jack in the boxes Sam? Oh sorry Sam says please take a jack in the box Thank you Ash Thank you Ash Thanks Ash You look great Sam says please open your jack in the boxes but Sam also says don't flinch That was the single creepiest segment we've ever done on Game Changer None of you flinched This finally isn't the monumental thing I wanted it to be Sam says Lou what's your philtrum It's the area right here between my upper lip and nose That is correct that is a point for Lou bringing Lou to 20 Thank you Players that brings us to the end of our game Give yourselves a hand That is points away from Izzy and Lou bringing Izzy to 23 and Lou to 19 Sam says give yourselves a hand Take another point away I don't want it I only said hand That means apply for yourself Give myself a hand that one was a joke The points at the end of our game Izzy with 23, Lou with 19, Brennan with 26 points You are the winner of this episode You win a deluxe smart speaker that you can boss around at your leisure That does it for us here at Game Changer I am Sam Reich reminding you that whatever I say goes Unless I say Sam says don't do as I say Good night |
SaturdayNightLive | dion_and_blair_the_amorous_client_snl | So I went to the Lagoon Club and there was this stunning little Polynesian bus boy starts making goo-goo eyes at me. He was gorgeous. he was a cross between oh Richard Gere and Ted Koppel. Oh, I've seen him. I'm sure we'd like to have him on my nightline. He is so fine.
Oh Sandra, you early, you gonna have to run along? You know the old saying girl, two minute cooks spoil the stew and too many hairdressers spoil the dude. I know, I know chow mein, but you know, Well, what shall it be today? Oh, I don't care. Shave me bald.
We'll call me old-fashioned, but I think something might be upsetting you is written all over your roots. A Girl: Could it be that old devil hormone? Oh, no, it's a man. well, it's the same difference. I know what you mean. I've been having trouble with my housemate Carlos lately. You know what happened other day? I was looking in his lunchbox and I found this diamond studded a dog collar and I asked him who did this belong to? And he said to his science teacher. I don't know whether I should believe him or not. Tell me, is that man of yours giving you some trouble? Well, he's been seeing his aerobics instructor. whoo. that's a rough one girl. man are such pigs. that's right. that is certainly right. they devilize you by dicking you today.
Love methods. Then they leave you laying on the bed butt naked. It's so true. All I ever wanted was a little piece of mind. Oh girl, all I ever wanted was a little piece of property by Fire Island in a white Vw rabbit convertible in a shitsuit named Cocky in a prescription to log Jam subscription to. And it's swimming pool shaped like a hairdryer. Your walks are so simple. and your arms. they're so strong. Well, it's supple. It comes from manipulating my curling iron in a professional manner. of course.
Oh Dion, you make me feel like a woman. well, I know that's feeling good. Have you ever considered perhaps dating a a white woman? only? Bette Midler, you know Deanna I. I think that I could make you very happy. Do you have a shit Sousandra? Oh, Dion, your ambivalence drives me wild. Kiss me you Ebony Smokehouse. Carlos will be very interested to hear about this. What are you doing?
Look at me when I talk. Look at me.
You don't understand this. What this is Not what it looks like. Well, I see what I see. and I see a see instead a See instead of Dc. Well girl, you got it all wrong.
I was just trying to get him to do what God intended a man to do. God intended me to cut people's head, not sex ladies down. don't make me read you in here.
I feel faint.
Deon. I thought I knew. You do know me, Blair. I'm the same old Deon. I'm still sizzling happy, and I still love listening to Judy saying the Man That Got Away. You should know Deon.
Okay, listen, I did kiss her. So what? But I say you kiss worse things than Sandra Here, I present that on a certain level. No, no, it's true. it's true.
I kissed you on your last birthday. Well, you've upset my stomach and caused me a great deal of anguish. But you giving me a great case of the heebie-jeebies Dion It was short, but it was sweet. Well, I guess I have to do your hand next week.
Oh Dion's oh hello Carlos. give me that phone. Yet a very interesting day. you'd like to speak to Dion, The real Dion. hold on Carlos. Carlos. |
dropout | drone_robocopter | Welcome to Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff here with Pat and Brian from Parrot, a company that has just released the AR Drone, a remote control helicopter you control with your iPhone. Tell me about the camera in the front of the drone. Yeah, well the front camera will stream back video via Wi-Fi.
Onto your phone.
So that'll be the view that you can actually see. We are on a top secret stealth mission. We were thinking that since you can see what the drone sees on the phone, let's use it to covertly spy on our coworkers without them even knowing. Because you know what they're talking about, that's all they do when we're not there. These people do not know what's about to happen.
Don't mind us, just a friendly little plane flying by. What's the matter? Never seen a helicopter before?
Colbo over here, this idiot isn't working. Buzz him real good. Show him who's boss. It's not even a battering ram picture, they're like, bam, bam, bam. He looks like he's actually trying to work for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why I want to hit him with a helicopter. What is he thinking right now?
There you have a drone gun. Have you ever had an issue where you're flying with your iPhone and you get a phone call from a girl and you kind of have this tension where it's like, well, this girl's calling me but I really want to fly him in a remote control helicopter and if you get a phone call while you're flying it, it's going to go down to about three feet, hover and wait for you to either finish your phone call quickly or to land itself. Luckily, see, the cross over between guys with girlfriends and guys that own this thing actually pretty distant. It's pretty small. Yeah, there's a pretty sharp line there. How does this awesome toy... Look out! All right, now see if you can get a good hover go and die straight here.
So we got to go over the desk. Oh, we got him. Oh, man. Oh, we're coming.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no! Can you see me? Oh, my God!
What about removing the styrofoam and turning it into sort of a weapon? You know what? It actually comes with... It's going to come with two different exterior... Two different hulls. This is magnetic. You can see, really... The word hull, we get to use the word hull, ultrasonic sensor. This thing's got it. Oh! |
dropout | You_Created_A_Fictional_Language_For_A_Sketch | And then the Dixie chicks walk in. Yeah, it truly was a walk to remember.
That is so funny. Thank you. What do you have, Tao? Okay, well yeah, let's read my sketch. Okay.
Exterior. Bassan homeworld.
Did anyone read the pronunciation guide I sent out last week for my sketch? This? I thought this was a printing error. No, it's the phenology chart for the language I created for this sketch, standard Bessanese. You made up a language for what, a three-page sketch? Hey, who's that?
Why don't we just improvise gibberish like we always do? See, perfect. No, it's almost offensive. It gets the idea across, but it's made up. Stop. Okay, guys, I was trying to do some world building for once, you know, and not just aliens like we usually do for a College Humor sketch. We do not need a pronunciation guide. Let's just read this.
Blok, Steek, Mafook, Hooger. Fookoo, Mahug, Tanakh.
No, guys, a native Bessanese would have no idea what you guys are saying right now. There are no native Bessanese speakers.
Not yet. Not until I raise my child. Ew. What?
No, like a Blok, Hooger, Hooger. That's Dutch. This is essentially Dutch. This is a clown language for sad people in the rain. It's way more advanced than Dutch.
Hot cock. No, hot cock. The second one you said was food truck. Do you know that? You went hot cock, food truck. Hot cock, food truck. It's hot cock. Hot cock.
Thank you. Pateo, you can't expect anyone to be familiar with your made-up language. Hey, squad. Sorry I interrupt.
I thought I was hearing a conlang. That's a constructed language. It sounded to me like a mix of Romanian and Javanese.
Yeah. With glottal stops and uvular plosives. Yes, that's correct. So maybe something along the lines of like, Where did everyone go? Yes. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? |
cracked | flat_earth_truthers_might_be_genius_lowest_common_dominator | Hello, and welcome to the first episode of Lowest Common Dominator, the show that scrapes the very bottom of the culture barrel and then defends those scrapings as legitimate and valuable contributions to society. I'm your host and barrel scraper, Soren Bui, and I'm trying out this stool.
It's sort of like a Dateline NBC thing. It's... I don't think it's gonna stick. Anyway, let's pick a topic. Get me with that sweet graphic. What you see here is a wheel of low culture, and if we just give it a quick spin, we will see that our topic of the day is... The Big Bang Theory.
Spin it again.
Flat Earth truthers. Great topic. You may have noticed on Twitter recently a flurry of celebrities challenging the notion that the earth is round. Rapper B.O.B. and famed devourer Tila Tequila in particular have gone to bat against the entirety of the scientific community with some pretty damning empirical evidence. Like why are all the buildings in NYC standing straight up? If the earth was round, some of the buildings would have a slight tilt. Hashtag Flat Earth. And no matter how high in elevation you are, the horizon is always eye level.
Sorry cadets. I didn't want to believe it either. And peppered into both of their rants, they invited anyone to send them pictures proving the earth had a curve. But, and here's the rub, none of those doctored photos from NASA would suffice. No, you gotta send pictures with your iPhone so they know it's pure or kiss their a posterior eyes. Naturally, no one could oblige and idiocy won the day.
I'll get to defending them in a second. Just give me a minute.
To be clear, it's not just these two brave souls against the rest of the plate. They just happened to have the biggest social media presence so they made the biggest ripple. It turns out that there is a massive and bustling community of Flat Earth truthers from every country, meeting online, compiling their evidence at theflatearthsociety.org, presumably while never once asking one another, hey, what time of day is it where you live right now? See, it's simply inconceivable to them that the heliocentric solar system could exist because from their vantage point, watching the sun set and rise and seeing every corner of the earth as flat, even from a plane, the evidence is just overwhelming. Now here's why they matter.
What if it's all a ruse? What if nobody is really that stupid? In fact, what if it's the smartest and most elaborate satire ever conceived? Evidence! The most suspicious part of the sudden boom in Flat Earth truthers is the timing.
If you were lucky enough to read Teela Tequila and B.O.B.'s rants in real time, they were probably surrounded in your feed by hashtags representing two of the most embroiled and media-saturated issues happening all year. Black lives matter, and yes, all women.
Oof, I know. Hard left turn. But stay with me, we're almost there.
Willed down to their base components, the unifying theme of those issues is, look, sexism and racism are still huge parts of our culture, and even if you aren't seeing it manifest in your everyday life, that's not proof it isn't happening, it's just proof of your own narrow and fortunate perspective. So back to the Flat Earth truthers. Intentionally or not, they forced all of us onto the same side of the argument of perspective. Anyone calling Teela Tequila and B.O.B. idiots and assholes for refusing to believe in anything beyond their limited and literal worldview automatically forfeited their right to call sexism and racism dead just because it's not happening directly in front of them. Or at the very least, it forced us to just consider the possibility that maybe we're making asses of ourselves when we only trust our narrow perspective over the hundreds of thousands of people saying we're wrong. They weaponized idiocy into something useful that made each of us better, more open-minded people in our shared goal of tearing them down in their stupid beeping idea. And at the tip of that weaponized Flat Earth trutherspear, a woman and a black man.
Boom. Connection. I did it.
Teela Tequila and B.O.B. are the conspiracy inside the conspiracy. They are definitely geniuses.
Probably. I mean, maybe. I don't know. Maybe there's feet. Maybe it's. Join me next time when I'll be trying like a, like a desk, I hope.
Wow. I really burned through that. And we still have a lot of time. I am really good at this. I'm cracked. Hi there.
Thank you for watching that show. If you enjoyed it, please subscribe.
Also comment. Let me know other topics that you want me to cover. It can be anything. Find the lowest, the dregs of society, the lowest common denominator stuff you can think of and I will defend it with all my heart because I think if we just raise these things up anything in the world can be epic. I was an English major. This is all I know how to do. |
TheOnion | Incredibly_Sexy_Firefighter_Tragically_Dies_In_Steamy_Blaze | We want to take a moment to honor a very brave, very attractive hero who lost his life this week doing what he loved the most. Right. Logan Norelli served the New York City Fire Department, saving dozens of lives and posing shirtless in 18 different firefighter calendars. Now on Monday, Logan was inside a burning apartment building when the roof collapsed. Now despite biceps and quads so firm you could crack walnuts on them, he wasn't able to escape and he burned alive. He was 35 years old with 4% body fat and a 42 inch chest.
Joining us now to talk about her muscular and courageous late husband is Elizabeth Norelli. I'm so sorry for your loss Elizabeth.
Your husband was incredibly sexy. Yes, he was. Thank you. Was it always Logan's dream to be a sexy firefighter? Definitely. Ever since he was a young boy he loved to help people imposing semi-nude. Really? So it was the perfect job for him.
Now I know this is difficult Elizabeth, but can you tell us exactly what happened in that apartment fire? Well, he went back in to do one last check for victims.
Was he in full uniform or did he just have his pants on with a suspender stretched across his pecs? Uh no, he was in his full uniform and he even had his helmet on his head instead of coyly covering his private parts.
What a shame. Thank you.
Well I'm sure he had sweat glistening on his brow and soot smudged on his cheeks. I just wish that there was someone there to have seen him like that, but all the survivors had gotten out. Logan's fellow firefighters are honoring him with a memorial statue outside the station and they gathered yesterday to remember him. He had the back muscles, he had the tight buns, he even had the side six pack on.
Most firefighters, they never get that. I don't think I've ever met a firefighter more than delicious.
Very touching tribute. Elizabeth, thank you so much for coming in this morning and sharing your story with us. Thank you.
I know that he'll always be with me and his shirtless ghost will always be by my side. I'm sure he is. And you know right now your husband's spirit is up there in heaven, rubbing oil on his smooth chest and flexing for the angels. Okay, after the break we're going to find out, was Shakespeare gay? We're going to talk to a seventh grader who says he definitely was. Stay with us. |
cracked | 90_second_guide_to_donald_trump_s_wiretapping_claim | Hi, I'm Daniel O'Brien.
I recognize that there's a lot going on in the world and like politically right now And not everyone can focus on everything all the time, so I'm here to take 90 seconds of your time to briefly clarify Some issue that's going on in the news right now 90 seconds on the clock, please There is no legal way that a president can directly order a wiretap on a citizen US citizens can be targeted for surveillance in two cases, criminal wiretap and national security wiretap And in both cases not without a warrant from a federal judge that the Justice Department would need to apply for At no point in the application or investigation process would a sitting president get involved and that's a good thing We don't want our presidents to be able to unilaterally order a wiretap on whomever they want That's a crazy thing that dictators do.
This process is in place so that an unhinged president can't order a wiretap on you for For instance writing an unflattering article or tweet or book about that or any president Could Obama have illegally ordered a wiretap on a citizen?
Sure, but that takes us into crime territory and yes Presidents have done crimes of the past and sure the Obama administration has done some shady shit But if he did so illegally we would likely never know for sure which means it comes down to what you choose to believe based On what's reasonably in front of you and on that score you have two options one at the 11 o'clock hour Of a two-term scandal-free administration Obama illegally ordered a wiretap on the candidate of the opposition party not to interfere with the election because remember Trump won but to cause chaos later meaning if you want the headline Obama illegally ordered a wiretap on Trump in November to be true You'd also have to accept that his motive for doing so was a conspiracy plot so convoluted I can't even make one up or two He didn't and the story is I don't want to say fake news because that's cliche So I'll say horseshit.
Those are your options and that's my time everybody, thanks for watching that video on YouTube and make sure to it's like a little little thump you click it click like and Should be it'll say subscribe leave a words comment leave a comment and That's good Good though |
SaturdayNightLive | soup_snl | All right, so we have two house salads and the matzo ball soup. Oh, mmm, me, me, me. that's for me. you guys go ahead and enjoy. thank you. I have been craving this soup. I can't even tell you. it just, like, brings me home. smells amazing. yeah, well, you can't have any. I'm kidding, but I'm not, because, like, I've been thinking about this soup, like, nonstop. for real, I, like, woke up out of a dead sleep the other night just, like, thinking about this soup. like, sat straight up, eyes wide open. it was, like, matzo ball soup for Manny's, like, a psycho. I'm so happy right now. uh-huh. So, I guess I have some news. ooh, what is it? Matt and I are separating. Oh, no, what? oh, girly For real? yeah, but I don't want to ruin lunch. just eat. Yeah, yeah, let's, like, eat and then talk. that feels right. of course we're not gonna eat. that is so sad. Oh, my God, I know.
God, thank you for telling us. and obviously, let us know, like, how it works out. Yeah. he said he's gonna take the kids. my God, that monster. what a bastard. Yeah. oh, god. well, you know what I say. good riddance, right? good riddance to her kids? No, I don't think so. we got to make a plan. Well, I'm already talking to a lawyer. Oh, God, here he is now. Oh, god, you better take that call. Yeah, take as long as you need. like, go outside.
What? No. Now what?
My lawyer got disbarred. my life is just such a mess right now. you don't even know the half of it. Like, I told you guys, I got that Bp of Marketing job, and it was total Bs. I never even applied for it. there's all this other stuff, too.
Like, I've been drinking, like, as soon as I wake up, and I steal my son's adderall, and he really needs it. she's like. how long must I wait to eat my soup without looking like an A-hole? it's not that I don't care about her, but I care about my soup a little more. my God, she's still talking. But, hey, at least she's not crying. Never mind, she just started crying.
Oh, but I have a great idea. if I pretend to take a drink of my water, I can take the straw and put it in my soup. This plan is pretty friggin'' perfect. the straw is hitting broth. and, oh, my God, she just asked me a question. I mean, so what would you do? Oh, I think, yeah, you should go for it. represent herself in court? Oh, I don't know what to do. but you might have had a sip of your water. I finished mine. Hot damn, she's taking my water. I better hide the straw in my shirt. But, oh, what is this?
She's sobbing at last. her hands in her hands can, at this moment, pass. Gotta eat this soup. it feels so much better. Thank you, girls, for letting me bat. Oh, my God, any time we're here for you, girl. how's your soup? it is harder than I thought, but I'm just so bad. I love you, girl. you, what? gotta eat this soup. |
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Coming up this week, we're having a chat with prominent actor, playwright and notable current affairs show panelist, who's in town this week, Nakia Louie. But before we get there, what's been happening this week in the world, Errol?
Well, the Commonwealth Games are trying their hardest to stay in the headlines, Clancy. And forget all those boring, heartwarming stories about the medals and all that bullshit. There's been a few athletes go missing from the games.
They've gone AWOL. Yeah, that's the true headline. A few athletes from some of the African nations have decided to go and explore the glitter strip without telling anyone. And no one in the mainstream media seems to know where they are. But we've managed to track a few of these missing athletes down, haven't we? Yes, we have. We've chased them from down south. We have exclusively revealed where some of them have ended up. What was the headline on that scoop?
Ipswich Jets refuse to explain where their new Cameroonian backline came from. Despite the Jets training behind closed doors earlier this week, the Advocate can exclusively reveal that the iconic Queensland rugby league team has a completely revamped backline. It's a new try scoring operation with a distinctly African flavour now that all five backline positions are occupied with Cameroonian nationals, whose names have been kept from us. The Jets have refused to publicly comment on the influx of new overseas talent, but sources inside the organisation have confirmed that the coaches are over the moon with the recent recruitment drive. And actually, one of the coaches of the Jets, Ben Walker, who steers the ship with his brother Shane, dropped a comment on that story, informing us that training and home games have been moved to the Cameroonian embassy.
So if any of the Jets' family are listening in, make sure you take note of that. Yeah, good on them I say. Despite the fact that the Cameroonian embassy is based in Canberra, we do wish the boys from IPY the best of luck. I mean, we have seen first hand up here Clancy with the Batutah Dolphins what a bit of brown paper bag money and some free accommodation can do to a football team. Ever since we brought up those blokes from Logan, the mighty Dolphins have been humming. The town's been buzzing too. The performance of small town rugby league teams does in fact have a ripple effect on the community. But I don't know how long the Jets are going to be able to hold out. I mean, Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton is surely going to get a sniff of this soon and when he does, I reckon he might come after the Jets. Well, we hope for the good people of Ipswich that he doesn't.
Anyway, we broke another Comm Games related story this week about the hosts of Channel 7's Sunrise programs requesting that the Aboriginal protesters spare a thought for the white children trying to enjoy the Commonwealth Games. Yes, the headline on that one we ran was Sunrise says please think of the white children trying to enjoy their holiday before protesting again. The popular breakfast television program Sunrise were the victim of targeted and angry protests this week on the Gold Coast to the point where the hosts had to address the situation. The hosts of the show are David Kosh and Samantha Armitage. They were barely audible above the chants and general rabble of the protesters which forced them to tackle the elephant in the room. Koshy said, we love that people are able to protest their views in Australia, it is a pillar of our democracy, but then he digressed and said, but the tone of the chanting is becoming increasingly hostile and some of the language is becoming offensive. He said they had a dress up competition planned for families that day and that there were a lot of white middle class children there trying to enjoy their holiday and Koshy did go on to say that the protesters didn't really take that into consideration. He was quoted saying and the original kerfuffle about this whole thing was about protecting children not land rights so take that protesters. Anyway coming up we have David Campbell and Peter Garrett on to discuss the live export controversy. Well Sunrise you know they don't do themselves any favours you know with all that shit they were popping off earlier this month about the black kids in foster care. Yeah yeah lots of that. They've really been ramping up on those hot button issues and for the first time since Koshy's joke about Janelle Howard all those years ago I really think that the public's starting to turn against them right across the board.
Anyway our guest today is one of those people who have been calling out the bogan breakfast machine, Nakia Louie. Very honoured to have Nakia join us as a guest today. She's behind some of Australia's most loved black comedy such as ABC's Black Comedy, Black is the New White and her newest Curitino production, Blacky Blacky Brown. Her writing has been critically acclaimed in both the Murray and Migloo communities and she's often referred to as Australia's answer to Tina Fey. I don't think anyone's ever called her that, clients but maybe you're the first one. Yeah you're right, just me. I didn't really want to follow the Sydney Morning Herald's lead and call her Australia's Lena Dunham because she is far more woke than that. You've seen her on Q&A, The Drum and Women's Weekly and now she's on the Batutah Advocate podcast. Well Nakia thank you for joining us today.
First question off the bat is how would you describe yourself occupationally?
Yeah that's hard. A writer or like you know, broke. Or like most people who write for a living. Yeah pretty much.
Or yeah just that angry Aboriginal girl who does stuff over different things I think. Yeah is that something you've learnt, people attribute to you occupationally is like your Aboriginality is brought up or aside from your talents writing plays and stuff like that or? Yeah look, I definitely, I mean it was a thing where when I first started, like a mentor of mine was like do you feel like you're getting boxed in or are you always going to be that Aboriginal person and it was like I'd always get these people, usually older white guys saying to me be careful of being boxed in as if like being known as being an Aboriginal person or having that as part of your work was something that was maybe a disadvantage or perhaps limited you. But for me I don't know, like it's what I'm really passionate about, it's my identity, it's such a factor in what I have to say so it's not all of what I do but I don't want to feel, like I don't ever want to feel like it limits what I do. Do you find, you know, talking about a film maker that's come into some prominence again this year with two films, Warwick Thornton, he's able to cast a net and do things all across the Australian psyche, do you think there's room for that, like maybe you could do a play about Kylie Minogue? Yeah look, I think there's room as to whether I should is a different question, like do we need another story about an Australian pop star?
And then we're done. Yeah, then we're done.
A good biopic, back to the glory days of who we were. Then maybe in 10 years we can have one about Delta. I write about a lot of stuff, do a lot of writer's rooms and all of that type of gear but you know, I like it, like I recently, I had a series on ABC comedy called Kicking Kitty which was about like a talking vagina and that's done quite well overseas, so that was really nice to be like, oh they don't know me as just the Aboriginal girl, it's more about the talking vagina girl.
Well you often hear at writing school, show a story, not tell it and you should always write what you know. How much of that do you think shines through in your writing? Yeah, well I didn't go to, like I studied law and when I was doing law I fell into writing and like law's more like kind of, I'll do what I want, fuck you and prove me wrong, right? So I think for me it's just, you know, I'm not, people so often say we see our political identities or these things that we describe ourselves as, like Aboriginal, cultural identity, gender, race, sexuality, we see these are these things that kind of limit us but I think, you know, we, like our differences is our like similarity. So yeah, I talk about being Aboriginal but that's just a title, that experience of being Aboriginal and the things I'm talking about I think are a lot more universal and for me that's why I think I've been able to have a career is because I do talk about the intimacies and truth of what I feel but other people feel that too if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah for sure. So it's not that different. For sure and also one thing we would say is that writing about something you don't know can be evident and that's obviously not what you're doing, you're writing about what you know and you've experienced and it's visible but it's also shared. But I'm also really good at writing white guys. I'm known for that and like like nominee and the things I do they're like oh yeah this is really good. I've had a lot of white guys be like oh I love this role because I think it's a question of like question your point of view and perspective and a lot of people don't do that. Well we were talking before as a writer that we've met along the traps called Omar Musa who was writing on...
Omar, the Malay takeaway. The Malay takeaway. The brown prince.
He was writing on Rompa Stomper. On Rompa Stomper. A particular line of dialogue in this new Rompa Stomper where Omar...
We ran into Omar and I said mate there was a line of dialogue that could have only come from you. I knew he was writing on it where there's about to be a fight at the front of a service station between skinheads and some African dudes. You could really tell when it went from being a NIDA script writer to being a... Queanbeyan hip-hop artist. A writer from down south with a bit of experience in the matter. Yeah and there was just one particular line where I was like that's got to be from someone who's a bit closer to the ground. Who's actually heard that line before. So they're out front of the service station and the skinheads are standing there and they're about to start a fight with some African guys and then they're winding them up and the African guys go I'll write a funny cunt. And I heard that and we said that's got to be you mate and he said yeah that was me. Because everything else you could tell hadn't come from the ground and I think Omar is a type of guy that's nearly been into a scrap out front of a service station before he knows exactly what to put down into that particular scene. It does shine through when it's not real.
Panels you get put on panels a lot too and you go on panels I imagine you sometimes go on panels. Do you enjoy being on panels? So how is the process you know say for example if you ended up on the Q&A panel.
How does that start from you being you know just having your morning coffee to being you know eye to eye with Mr. Tony Eastern Suburbs Jones with his rounded accent and him pronouncing his G's and you know. Daddy Jones. Daddy. Talking down to you like he's some sort of Christ figure. Well you know the thing about Tony Jones is it's been um he's actually I've always found him really supportive and lovely and but um no you can't totally there's shots to be taken.
Because he's just another overpaid ABC. Lefty employee.
Echo China. Handbrake on the economy. You know like here I am paying you know out the arse on tax and then there's Tony Jones in his board shorts on a beach in fucking Christ knows where. Living it up. I thought you'd say Christchurch. That doesn't sound that good.
That would be an ABC place to holiday. That is where ABC people would holiday is Christchurch on the beach.
I digress. How do you end up on panel shows just to get back to. Um yeah look I don't know it just kind of happened. Like my dad's an academic. My mom's a community worker. You know for me I feel really very serious. But I feel really privileged that I'm able to say something. And a lot of my views that I talk about so talk a lot about you know especially about you know Aboriginal affairs and politics. Like it's nothing new. I've grown up with these ideas. I hear people in my community saying similar things. So really all I have to do is just get on TV and say it. And yeah people say some shitty things but that's a really small price to pay. And when I look back at you know the repercussions that my family have had for their political ideals growing up you know like my mom was a fringe dweller they used to hide from the Aborigines Protection Board. My grandmother the same thing my grandfather the same thing. It's such a small price to pay for me.
But it's just kind of everyone's always looking for. I think this is a lot with marginal groups but especially in the Aboriginal I guess community a lot of non-Aboriginal people especially media organisations always want the next Aboriginal voice. They want this new Aboriginal voice.
They want to be able to like cherry pick and display. And there's a level of I think tokenism and racism there but at the same time you've got to use that. You know the world's the world. You've got to use that to your advantage.
And it's you know doing Q&A scary as shit like it's it's so scary. I've tried to get out of it before like I told this big lie to the, I don't even want to say this, to like the EPA on the last one which was about the Uluru statement because I was like oh like I don't know what I can add to this conversation and I just feel like it was a hospital pass like it's such a loaded like a loaded discussion. I don't know how much I have to offer here. So I was like oh I need to get my tooth removed. Like I can't come do it but then they were really nice and they were like oh can we help you and then I was like I can't keep the lie out. But I think you know when I, the first Q&A I did my mum and my best friend were in the audience and they'd had like a one or two. So we're like halfway into it and then I think it was like Greg Sheridan and Erica Betts started saying stuff and then I looked over at my mum and my friend and they looked so wild. I thought they were going to get up and like slap one of the buggers.
That was the Bill Leake cartoon. Yeah it was about that stuff. So you had that feel and like you know if it's on like it's like we've got family here. I've got support here.
And I was like if I don't say something now then they're gonna get up and get an assault charge. And also you'll think about it forever if you don't say it when you have the platform. Yeah and I think you get up there, you feel really nervous and you always do. You're on there with politicians who are like paid to basically answer questions. But you kind of think like you get up there and it's like well if you're gonna poke it you gotta fuck it right? I can't leave the panel like I'm on national TV so I even say something or I don't.
But yeah that was you just kind of you know they just want someone to come up and talk about stuff. You get the sweaty palms they go, Niki we'll throw this one to you. Yeah and I'm not an actor like by I act now but my background is writing. So it's kind of like well people hire you because of your perspective. It's a bit different to things like acting and sports where you have contracts and reputations and teams and productions that have to worry about what you say and what you do. And if you get hired or you get I don't know another contract. Whereas for me it's like well fuck it if I say something that's not quite right. It's not gonna have that much of an effect. I'll have people maybe say some things on socials but you know what like fuck them. You know it's just part of the game and sometimes it's good when people are talking about you. I mean they're engaged and even if they don't like what you have to say it's sticking with them. Do you guys get that?
Well we did get one tweet directed at us which was you know an innate death threat. An innate death threat?
Well you know it's more or less you know like just fucking try and come and kill me. So you try and kill them? No no. They said this is the year we kill them. This is the year I kill them.
Okay. It's like you've thrown down the gauntlet. Join fitness first. It might have been a resolution but it was like what do we do? Do we wait? When's it gonna be? February, March, when are you gonna kill us? It's like you've thrown down the gauntlet and I've thrown down mine and I'm gonna wait for you to come up here and kill me. Yeah. And if you do, by Jove, I will give you a good context. And also come to Batutah if you want to kill us. Like that's I guess. And we had a...
You're getting 2077, they were like 2017, they're like today like not this year. Not the year we're only ever running like just not 2018.
I'm ready to be a murderer. And then we did have another one saying calling for our public hanging and I was like oh could you just wait until my parents are busy. I wouldn't really want to see my aging parents you know come all the way out to Australia and be like oh all right we're just going to go and watch our son get hanged in the middle of the Simpson Desert. You know that would... Yeah. Hear ye, hear ye, come to the Batutah Advocate public hanging.
We get communists and then we also get... We get communists a lot and then we get liberal party funded and then we also got recently centrist cowards. Which is kind of the third one you never hear about.
Which my journalism professor at the University of Hong Kong, he would be very proud that I would just be labeled a centrist coward because he goes every single journalist error should be a centrist coward you know. The goal of your career is to be liked by everyone you talk to but simultaneously hated by everyone who reads you you know. Which I think is a good code of ethics for every journalist to follow. Yeah it's like ethics above moralism.
When you guys first started out like I remember reading Batutah Advocate headlines that people thought were really serious and I would have like a lot of old aunties or like cousins who went into in the loop who would post things and then people get really wild. Do you still get that or do people understand now? We don't necessarily get people who mistake us for satire. We do get people who mistake us for being centrist cowards. Unashamed regional journalism that has no fear or favor. We do get plastered with the S word every now and then by you know these ABC types.
Praying that it rains on their hobby farm out at Esk. You know it's um but you know until until they come out and see that the diamond Tina right now is in flood. That it's one of the most beautiful things that they'd ever see but they don't really want to go any further west than where the McDonald's ends at Charville and Roma.
Then bugger them you know. Do you get any like thirsty regional journalism fans who like slime TDMs? Oh sorry no I'm just curious. Do you get any like real into the reporting you centrist. Yeah I like it makes me centrist. Rings my bell. I love cowards you know.
Well we did get a DM the other day you know they were asking us we were going to be going to beef week in Rocky. Yeah we're going. Beef week. Well they actually call it um what they call it root week.
It is what exactly you imagine it's just everyone goes to rock. It's some imagine like people fucking cows. I don't know what it is is it. It's basically like you're donating blood but you're donating your DNA. I've heard anyway from all the young folk. All right well from one display of bovine excellence to sunrise.
So we did have a bit of punching down from Koshy and Sam. They did have two very underqualified people to discuss. A very hot topic and they were both very underqualified to talk about the subject.
Should should white couples should white families have the privilege of adopting aboriginal children from from troubled homes and the reaction rightly so was quite negative. But that was lampooned on on on Tom Ballard's ABC show by you. So is it important to uh to sort of take these these really horrible things that people can say about people and repurpose them for comedy because comedy is is a good sort of vehicle for discussing and exploring these very complex issues in a very approachable way. Yeah my look my grandmother always said to me like what can you do if you can't laugh and so for me that's always kind of my impetus for work is we have to be able to laugh at this stuff or laugh not laugh at it but laugh about it because usually it comes from just such a horrible ridiculous nonsensical place and so the thing with sunrise for me was that it was it was just I'll be really blatant it's a bit serious but um it was disgusting you can't get up there and talk about people denying the stolen generation and it happened it affected all aboriginal people um but it was just such a miss miss misconstruing the truth um because that's not even the issue at hand when it comes to care and protection there are issues with care and protection but is sunrise as a sound bite the best place for it to be especially with ex-soccer journalists oh and like Prue McSweeney McSweeney um it's just it was just gross it was disgusting and it was gross and there's a certain level of ethics that people especially our media need to be accountable to um but in terms of doing the the funny stuff about it um you had to had to laugh because it was hurtful it was very well done it was calling them all colors yeah our white our white people can't well it's question mark there's question i'm not saying anything and um and and yeah you're using their words against them well it was it was a good way to do it well funnily enough so i did the tonightly with with tom ballard and i did that that sketch and it was very funny and it was talking it was making fun of the whole idea of um let's we actually need to we actually need to intervene on these poor white presenters who are you know making answers of themselves yeah um and then with the funnily enough with the um black comedy uh white people can't sketch um naive gory who wrote that who's one of the writers on the next season three of black comedy um absolute genius you guys need to get her she's great she wrote that um that sketch and so she's written the whole series of them and i'm you know kind of acting them in them and i script edit and co-produce the show so you know we we kind of knew what we're getting ourselves into but it was so timely we literally shot it the day after samantha armitage and sunrise had said these things so you hadn't that that was that wasn't triggered no that was that was already ready to go it was yeah well they have a history of it it's that thing where it's kind of like you kind of you step around the shit then eventually you put your foot in it right like you know if you shoot you're gonna you're gonna step in it and so um and so it was really interesting because the response back from i guess conservative media was just intense but the best thing about it was that i think delhi may all responded rita panini panini i call it panini i don't know how to say her name um responded i think the australian wrote this huge thing that was mainly about me it was like a thousand words something called the mocha um something like mocha it's a nice drink the mocha um yeah it was just it went to kind of show like how transparent their their goals are in terms of we just need to uh make everything divisive and about you know black versus white left versus right um to further some very like frivolous you know chords um but it was it was really funny because the discussions that came from doing these comedy sketches um in you know they were they were like saying we said white people were cunts when it was a question um so i was like well you know it's like if you someone cheats right they put their own foot in it it's like well you guys are kind of admitting to your kindness by doing what you're doing but the best fit was in the um with the uh wake up to yourself which is the morning show that we have on black comedy uh where we do the are white people can't the discussions that happened in the comments was very funny because there were a lot of people who were really upset uh but then there were people who were like they're cool they're cool yeah yeah you know i'm white and i think yeah we we might actually be can't so yeah it was you know it was i think what i'm proud of with that is that it was able to bring some like humor and joy and a relief from actually just how hurtful this conversation can be because i think we forget in australia when it comes to things like race and especially with aboriginal affairs that colonization was only like 200 years ago like it's really not that far you know like you go it's like um my great great grandmother was that was still like she was removed from her home um and had her land taken from her um and that's really not that i know white people who know their great great grandparents do you know what i mean so it's like it's a very volatile it's a hard thing to discuss but i think humor at least provides people a relief from how hurtful it is and then also it creates space and we need to be able to talk about things when you start saying we can't talk about it this is what we can and can't talk about then that's when i think we run into issues and how is the um the black fellow community responded to black comedy from from the start because you've kind of been on the ground where where the landscape has changed to the point where there's room and there's like resources and there's actual air time for these yarns and these jokes which which you know i've obviously resonated with so many people but just how much has it resonated oh look the response has been overwhelming with black comedy it's it's been so supported by the community and again like i don't think we say anything too special and that's why people like relate to it because like oh i've had these four so i've had these same sentiments it's just we're able to do it on tv and and write it up Housewives of Narrafine yeah Housewives of Narrafine was a uh was a special gag oh yeah i have to say Deborah Mailman good Mount Isaac girl yeah she's she is a solid gin um but yeah it's been great but what's been kind of amazing too is like one of the problems we've had since season one is all of the like prominent white actors especially male actors you want to get on the show and we have to we've kind of had to go we can't we has anyone asked if they can play a lot well not Blackfella but we've had a lot of people go make fun of me put me on the show corner you at like oh this bit this bit um name droppy but like corner you at like Logie's after party and stuff and be like i've got this idea for a sketch i'm this white guy and uh really want to be on the show and so it's i think it's um yeah i think it just means that people are able to engage with this stuff because for me like with writing one of my key aims when i first started writing and i still think about now is you know you need to have people care about us because the Aboriginal community is so often pushed into the fringes or disempowered these conversations aren't led by us they're about us so making people care about our welfare is that's actually a bigger obstacle than i think um maybe we recognize and i have a lot of faith getting really gonna cry you get a lot of faith in humanity to an extent i think most people want to be able to engage and i think saying laugh with us and having something that you can share or kids can go to school and be like like be proud of instead of getting like abbo jokes every day which is what i grew up with like i think that's really important what's this then slut yeah well yeah well that's great but you know when you see like a little like 10 year old girls eight year old eight year old kids i was with stephen oliver in like redfern one day and um this little there's a little girl on like a little scooter pedals past pedal steps past however scoots past scoots past us at the right yeah she scoots past us and she yells out it's a good what's this then slut and stephen kind of hung his head and he's oh i don't know what i've done i've been i've been a lift with stephen oliver in brisbane and the doors were closing and it said uh doors closing please stand clear and he must have been in this lift a few times and he was ready to go doors closing please stay queer yeah he had an audience i'm sure he thought about it a few times um i was the audience also you know we have this whole thing about comedy punching down especially with like so many male comedians now getting like coming out as being like super creepy um it's kind of um you know a lot of my comedy heroes it's like oh man why'd you have to show people your dick i liked you but i think it's kind of like it's kind of great being an aboriginal woman because you kind of can't punch down yeah like everything is punching up so it's like fuck i can say whatever i want and that's a really rare position and anyone who may be below you is in on the joke anyway yeah well you hope so hey yeah well uh i suppose you haven't had any calls from uh chris lily yeah he wanted to be on that one has has has he expressed his interest in being very method on um yeah yeah yeah well you know we um um yeah well you know what i think he could take all of our roles hey we won't have like comedy the stage show played by one man chris early i'm synonymous bitter on the right he's always he's always been a man who has who has indeed marched through the sound of his own drum but if that's the only jump in the room you know that's they don't like him in uh in brisbane the tolins anyway i think what happened was he was good there for a bit and i'm kind of a big fan yeah look i don't want to put myself in hot water but i think i don't ever think there's anything that you you shouldn't be able to say it's just you have to say it smart yeah and the thing was he just stopped getting smart i honestly think he's a great bowler and he used to come in and he used to just terrorize people and just take their wickets and then he used to take that straight to the bank i don't follow cricket but it's kind of making sense he would never go after the strongest wolf in the pack you'd always go after this he could have done a good liberal politician so well but he instead when he could have been a good liberal yeah that's it maybe he's got that straight hair those wide apart eyes you know that i'm chris pines yeah he is sounds like you're describing caleb yeah caleb hello he's listening i don't mind him what's the guy with you in redhead dudes yeah that's no i'm trying so you are a magnet to geeky redheads is that the guy hey like yeah look i say this um that's my you know when people say what are the what if i went for a job job interview and they said you know what what are your positive attributes or what are your what are your vices i'd be like well redheads love me they do i put it on um i was a bit tipsy i went to this like um the abc my wind comedy launch or something i had a few too many proseccos and i got home and um i was anyways it's a long story there's a oh no i don't even want to go into it um and then um i yeah i i said that and then you know what i had a few thirsty gingers sliding into my dms um uh you know like my two previous uh boyfriends were were gingers right um i don't know i wonder if it's like an aboriginal thing i don't know right right i mean it could be yeah look i didn't ask for it yeah great power what about um your nickname knuckles where's that come from uh i don't know uh yeah look briggs is like the bane of my life in a lot of ways he's like my brother but he shits me to tears we had a group chat and he just started calling me knuckles and that just that actually that kind of came from the ginger ranga thing um he's also the number one uh insult writer about nakia apparently yeah pretty pretty much about me he nicknamed all of the group chats we were in together he went in one night i guess he was bored and like went and renamed them all knuckles and friends so in all of our group chats through facebook um like like imessages they're all knuckles insta knuckles and friends um i think it comes from so my mum was giving my sister and i this talk about um you know sex one night and my sisters you know we call her like a little kardashian like she's beautiful but she's nasty and mean and i love her but she's like a little stunner and so mum was saying we're in the car one night and um briggs was hilarious mum was saying to my sister don't let anyone give you the hard word and then she looked at me and she paused she's like and don't you give anyone the hard word so now he calls me knuckles because guys have to kind of tap out and i put the hard word on him but um yeah that's that's where that all kind of came from and he started this rumor about me kissing this um kind of well-known red-headed australian comedian which isn't true didn't happen um but now it's is it tom glason luckily not is it bill burr now now nikki redhead bostonian we've got a lot of working glass homophobia yeah yeah i'm into it i got to kiss a lady she said no but i kept going that's my bill burr impression louis ck he's a redhead bostonian yeah yeah but we mentioned him earlier without my concern yeah he's um he's in his winestein days yeah he's uh he's done put him out to pasture um mount druitt girl yes born and bred yep born and bred in mount druitt yep uh born in blacktown bred in mount druitt yeah the black town when it was still like aboriginal black town you know the new black black news black town yeah yep down there at uh blacktown pc yc savannah pride shout out to the boys straight to the college assistant that's how you play basketball now we um want to ask a question because for people outside of that particular part of the world which we believe and you've earlier referred to as the area um of mount druitt blacktown uh most australians sitting at home listening in from all over the place would only really be familiar with struggle street that sbs porn poverty that they uh published about what could easily be a nice area we'd like to know your thoughts growing up there um well i love mount druitt uh it's you know i never knew i was i guess from a poor suburb until i went to uni and i like that's when i discovered that like volclusa rose bay existed i didn't even know we had an eastern suburbs in sydney yeah until i um started uni and that's because i went to unsw law school so it's like a lot of people from that area um but you know for me mount druitt was i loved it it's a really tight-knit aboriginal community out there um there's a lot of aboriginal people there from all over new south wales because it was a resettlement area right so in the 70s they moved a lot of people aboriginal people from missions and from country towns to saint mary's and mount druitt to um working in dunheavit which is the industrial area so they used to have like about like one aboriginal family per block kind of those kind of segregation laws but um that's how my family ended up there and um for me it was always you know it was really i loved it it was really incredibly i don't want to you know sound like a cliche but incredibly diverse um you could you know ride your bike around at night um no my parents wouldn't really let me do that but it was a very kind of community-oriented area and what i still love about it to this day is it's not like keeping up with the joneses you know everybody's kind of from the same stock in a way it's not aspirational at all it's just a place to you know you can walk down the street and smile and and you can like where i used to catch the train to to uni and stuff it was um that the methadone clinic was right next to it and you'd say you'd smile your locals and you know it now like thinking back there was a few things that were a bit um that doesn't happen to like every suburb you realize but um you know there were riots when i was growing up there was a big kind of um racial division between aboriginal people and different um islander groups right um that's kind of resolved a little bit like a huge bit but um it's yeah i for me it's very different to live in it and yeah you can go it's like it's a really poor area there's a high unemployment rate a lot of people live under the poverty line but that's not because of the people that's because of their opportunity you know like the the bus there it's so it's a private bus line and there's just some days they wouldn't go down certain streets yeah but people would need to get that bus to get to work you know and then they get fired from their job and it's like still like ten dollars to get the train into the city so you know for me it was um it was incredibly freeing in a way to grow up because i didn't really i never felt like i was being judged there for sure and what and what else are the the demographics that you just mentioned to islanders what's the demographics like out there because it's it's one uh sydney as a whole has the uh largest population of aboriginal people in australia uh but a lot of aboriginal people don't grow up in metropolitan areas so you know you're you're a kuri family growing up around islanders and is is there is there a bit is a bit of a mix out there like like there often are in urban areas yeah look at super mix so mount joe at western sydney like the mount joe blacktown metropolitan is like a politician but um they um they have the highest urban population of aboriginal people um it's just kind of spread out um but there's you know like it's it's a bit more i think mixed now so you know like all of my little like little cousins and stuff have kids with tongans and can't pronounce their names um but it's it's really it is really mixed i think the aboriginal experience is very similar to a migrant experience in terms of class so you know i grew up with parents who like get an education go to uni and things like that and and that's i've had a very you know a lot of my friends went to school we have in high school out there are still my friends to the state because i've had a very similar journey free life when it comes to education and career it actually reminds me a lot of the flight path district in south patoota actually and uh we we often report about the uh the area uh similar to um mount druitt and and the area now yeah they don't look at the good things it's always like the bad most definitely sbs like to um like to have a bit of a well that particular program obviously um upset a lot of people when they kind of just all they showed was people smoking cones for six episodes and it was just like no there's a lot more stuff going on yeah but see that's all that these people who don't live in these areas you know like all like all these all these hoity-toity's these abc who like to believe that where they live and how they live is is at least better than someone yeah you know so people that are blamed for their problems exactly you know like this is why they pay you know 35 36 percent you know tax you know like you know like oh yeah like this is the reason why i'm allowed to be angry you know you know it's um i pay for these people the best bit about struggle street though when that aired was the gossip around the gossip around town yeah there's people like going oh who's on it and um oh they're telling a bit of a fib aren't they like there was one black fella on there and the gossip was about town the cost of about town was that um he actually did have a house they made it look like he lived in the bush yeah yeah in the bush when he got in trouble with his missus so that was that's where they found him yeah so it was um very you know i think that that was also a kind of a you know people just getting really like you're getting told fibs yeah yeah yeah well look you you've got a following with um black comedy around the country would you guys ever do a tour because you know you'd sell it um look i don't know hey i think it was on the table at one point because we want you in the tutor well we would definitely come um i don't know well you know it's a tv show yeah yeah a lot to thank for editing i think a lot of people involved in the team a lot of people bringing us copies actually whether we're really you know we're the abc types between the breaks bung on the accent when we're on the show you do have a live show on now can you tell us a little bit about it you know like can you sell it to our audience yes so it's a i have a play coming on in sydney and in melbourne called blackie blackie brown the traditional owner of death yep um it's called chapter reconciliation or revenge um and it's about it's a kind of exploitation play about um uh aboriginal archaeologist who finds a skull and it turns out to be the skull of her great great great grandmother and um her and then her grandmother comes and tells her the story of how her tribe got murdered in the massacre and she gets retold this story and then she swears revenge on all the descendants of the men who committed the massacre so the whole play is her going to kill i did the math and turned a bit like 400 and something people who were the descendants of these these men and i think like the whole play it's it's great it's um partly animation there's two actors performing all of the roles um it's really it's a comedy it sounds really serious but it's a comedy um and it's it's all about i think how do you how do you move forward you know like how do you move forward as a country when colonialism has you know there's a lot of blood on people's hands i don't know if i'm selling this really well it's got really dark you know there's going to be andrew bolt is going to be using his very calm melbourne concise the first time has he turned the laser on you before yeah a few times right to be like yeah it's great i'm like thank you for knowing my name when he like critiques all my shows this is the thing when people like him critique the shows and they say their piece they're actually just promoting your show yeah but he did like we did a sketch on black comedy called the elders in season two which which briggs he wrote and um andrew bolt liked it and we kind of had this moment i mean briggs being like have we done the right thing so maybe he'll like it i don't know but um would you guys ever do a show would you do a patoot advocate live new show only if andrew bolt liked it no actually we've got some really cool ideas for black comedy maybe you could bring us on there behind every black person there's a smart white man so is that not the same why not just or a loudmouth a loudmouth white person yeah but that's the show it's great there's a segue it's you know i love i'm a massive fan of quinton tarantino and a lot of those kind of you know exploitation films right what would you call this blaxploitation yeah it's kind of like yeah a bit it's kind of it's kind of turned into like um exploitation a bit of like futurism right got really inspired inspired by uh the black panther yeah yeah but the biggest thing with with the show has been i had to kind of she kills all these people and then she kind of wonders you know she kind of realizes she's doing what she hates and how do you change the world and the biggest thing i've had about this play it's been so hard to write in a way is that i don't actually know how i would change the world yeah not like well i don't know what comes next you know i don't know kind of what what kind of hopeful question i have from the laughter so that's been that's been hard that's tough yeah that's tough well let's all tune in and watch it blackie blackie brown sydney theater company malt house theater i didn't sell it good did i didn't do a good elevator pitch if i was talking to a producer who's coked off his face would have cut me off a long time ago so that is blackie blackie brown commencing fifth of july presented by the sydney theater company and malt house theater nakia thank you for joining us today and thank you everyone for listening to our podcast with nakia louie and that's it we're at the top of the hour we're getting the hurry up from murray in the booth we'll talk to you all next week please subscribe to the podcast give it five stars and say hi to your mum for me i'm errol parker have a good one i'm clancy overall you'd be kind to each other right now at honda find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected civic hatch and sedan models there's never been a better time to get into a civic so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into 100 today t's and c's apply ends august 31st see website for details |
dropout | the_worst_birthday_cake_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell and I'm Nathan and today we are drawing the worst birthday cake. Thank you very much for reminding me because I instantly forgot. We're drawing the worst birthday cake suggested by Drew Shulman.
Thank you Drew. Thank you Drew and what's wrong with you?
Why are you trying to ruin someone's birthday? Why would you want the worst birthday cake? Is this for you? Is it your birthday or are you trying to ruin someone else's birthday?
Birthday cake is always great. Birthday cake. This is going to be a birthday cake. Worst birthday cake is also known as a birthday cake.
It's a creak of shit.
Whose birthday are you trying to ruin Drew? Well I'll tell you this, I know this for a fact, very recently someone on Twitter, our friend at Chance Porter 2 said, hey it's my birthday, can I get a shout out? And normally I don't do that but it happened to line up just right. We did a birthday themed episode which is this one. And that's for you Chance?
That's fair work. Fair work man.
This is your birthday cake. This is for you? You get the worst one.
I mean so far this looks pretty good. It's got like the fun icing puff on the outside. I mean it looks great but I think. I'd get one of those corner pieces.
As our nation's first president Optimus Prime once said, looks can be deceiving. So you got to remember that. The nation's first robot president.
People are always quoting that guy. I think they're taking what he said out of context. These fundamental Optimus Prime fundamentalists trying to, I don't think if Optimus Prime was alive today he would not be a member of the Optimus Prime party. He'd be like what did you guys do with my country? So my point being that. Right.
This is like a regular birthday cake. It looks like a regular cake. But first of all just like right up top what you're going to want to do with this worst birthday cake is you're going to have some very crass writing on it. That's the fun part. You can go to like your Kroger, you can go to your Harris Teeter, you can roll up to the teat and suggest and get there to be like hey, I need a birthday cake for my enemy can you help me out and they're like hell yeah my man what you want written on that cake and you write eat a pile of dead rats and then you misspell their name on purpose.
So their name is Drew. So I'm going to call them. I thought it was Chance Porter. Oh yeah that's true. Yeah so we'll say that in honor of Chance Porter too, we'll call him Chunts. Chunts. Which sounds like, which is great because it sounds like a cross between chump and dunce. And that's definitely what I'm just going to be calling people from now on.
Like if you're late for the movie or something I'd be like why are you being such a chunts right now? Why did you chunts out on me so hard? Caldwell you're just making up words again. You know who else made up words?
Our second president William Shakespeare. Whoa. Yep. President. President Shakespeare. He made up a lot of words and so many of those are still with us today.
He's on the three dollar bill. The smart man's dollar. The smart man's dollar yeah.
Alright. Don't have a two? Use a three. Get changed. That's what I always say.
Alright so that's what's going on there. So you see already your birthday is worse because you're like huh this cake is telling me to do a thing that I wouldn't want to do. Yeah it's just like insulting right to your face. So that's no good. It's also like just it's got some cartoon dynamite sticking out of it. Instead of candles? Yeah it's got cartoon dynamite. Oh man. It's the worst.
Well it's good because like cartoon dynamite as you all know won't explode you. It will like it'll. It'll make your face. It'll char your body. It'll make your face charred probably singe off hair that you have. But you'll ultimately be oh it's lit. It's lit dynamite. It will reduce you to a pile of smoldering ash and blinking eyeballs but it will not kill you.
So that's what's going on. Give me one more. One to grow on. One to blow on if you will. And then Nate I'm gonna let you get in here and maybe you can show me some other stuff.
I'm thinking like you can either have show me what what's inside the cake maybe like a cross section or something yeah yeah or or you can just you know like ruin the drawing yeah or just just fuck up my beautiful drawing. I was planning on fucking having a beautiful drawing. It wouldn't be it wouldn't be a Drawfee show if you didn't totally goof up my beautiful drawing.
Yeah. Well I also left some room if you want to add more to this. I'll make a new layer. I'll make a new layer so. Okay.
So for our layer cake Nathan don't laugh at me. Don't you dare.
So another thing that I think probably that would make a birthday cake worse is that it's just it's missing the corners. Oh shit. It's just you got all you're going for the subtle birthday. Like that's that's all like look at that them subtle birthday burn someone just someone just just a chance nicked off a chance. Obviously burns day you got burned son you got no corners you got no corners. What do you take is literally dynamite can't you can't get the corner you wait that size because you know you have to give the birthday boy the corner so you wait till it's your birthday. It's like finally I get the corner for this birthday boy is missing this birthday boy just got birthday burned also welcome.
Also what I think like yeah eyeballs. Oh just eyeballs like real ones. I think I think this is like a cake a cake creature.
Okay. All right. So like this.
So instead of existing in the real world as a thing that you could give to someone. It's a fake thing that you just made up.
No go to go to your I take my toe to your go to your horror bakery. Your Eldridge Baker your Eldridge Baker be like hey I want I want a nightmare cake. I'm just a little peeved that you like took my beautiful cake that like I could have you could have used to commit you know sweet sweet vengeance on your friend and you made it into this like monster that is super cool looking and great but like couldn't exist in the real world. I guess I'm just more bummed about that but I do like the idea of a cake monster cartoon dynamite on it did cartoon get it get it like OK. So first of all yeah it's it's a cartoon dynamite is real man it's a very specific type of dynamite go to go to that go to any ACME real real listen go to go to any go to the border between any two southern states and ask for cartoon dynamite and they'll know exactly what you're talking about. Go to the Alabama Mississippi fireworks depot go to Big Daddy's fireworks on the on I-40 and they'll they'll hook you right the hell up. I take it all back though this is this is a cool cake this has become some sort of weird. I feel like this is not it's like a weird Pokemon yeah but more so they have they have the ice cream one so it's true they need to be a cake one to go along with it and like oh that would be the deal is like every year it has a different amount of candles on it that would be like it's like evolution oh yeah it has and then it has gets ice cream like inside. Yeah. Oh yeah the final one is like an ice cream dripping oh holy shit more like melty that my mouth is so good I want to kiss those lips I want to kiss those icy lips oh man they look good does he have more tentacles I feel like he needs more tentacles oh well we do a lot of tentacles so I decided to make these horns oh I see that's a good place for horns and I think it's more just like it's sort of it's got tentacles I would maybe he's got like a little spindly crab legs yeah or just some yeah let's get back on some spindly so those are more like mandibles that he's got yeah like tusks I like that do you mind yeah you should like have those things just fully extended out of the mouth oh I like that this is fun because like your friends like oh you got me you goofed me with this cake and then all of a sudden it turns into a monster and it does devour your French hunts and then you pop out and you're like oh you got birth you got burned you got burned on this the day of your birth call your mom oh your mom so thanks hey thanks for that oh thanks hmm thanks for all those great gifts you got me mommy but I'm dead now I'm super dead my friend drew my friend drew goofed me so hard with this sentient cake the sentient cake that hungers for souls and the best part is it blows itself up so there's no evidence yeah and it's missing corners yeah so you can't even get like a good cake bite before you can get before you get eaten wow what a terrible uh colon what do you got it's not uh okay yeah just like you did really get a pile of dead rats chunts also no one likes you well at least the cake's gonna be oh no oh no the corners are missing yes true you're perfect ass how dare you on this the day of my birth oh chunts i'm so sorry um this uh this was never supposed to happen oh i i got so many uh i got so many great video games that i was gonna play oh i got this foldable hammock i got a frisbee and i can't enjoy any of them because of you because of you drew all right well there's a tail yeah that's pretty good i think i think we can close up shop on this one yeah that's actually i think we messed up i think this is actually a really good this is a pretty cool cake like for a theme you see see this on the next cake boss uh-huh this is the cake boss that you have to defeat in the cake dungeon welcome to the cake dungeon can you imagine i am your cake boss you get so many sick so many sick cake loot drop take loot drops off of this cake oh man i can't believe it you get like the eternal candle yeah and you can trade that in for several gold you know well guys sort of icing yeah the frostedite the frosted blade frosted blade um well guys that's been our show i think um big news we have a live show this uh next tuesday february 10th this next this very next tuesday at seven p.m at the people's improv theater um we'll put a link to tickets in the description uh please come to our show so that we can do more shows and feel good about our lives uh thanks for watching you know leave leave suggestions as always if you do if you have a dumb thing you want us to draw like the worst birthday cake or anything else whatever your heart desires something we can ruin and uh you know what have a great week um go sit in a crow you chunts we're sorry hey i'm Caldwell i'm Nathan uh thank you guys for watching our video if you want to subscribe to the Drawfee channel please click here uh and if you want to watch more videos on this channel you can click right here uh and if you want to stop this whole miserable charade just click that little x in the corner thanks for watching we're sorry rats chunts also no one likes you well at least the cake's gonna be oh no oh no the corners are missing true you ass true you're perfect ass how dare you on this the day of my birth oh chunts i'm so sorry um this uh this was never supposed to happen oh i i got so many uh i got so many great video games that i was gonna play oh i got this foldable hammock i got a frisbee and i can't enjoy any of them because of you because of you drew all right well there's a tail yeah it's pretty good i think i think we can close up shop on this one yeah that's actually i think we messed up i think this is actually a really good this is a pretty cool cake like for a theme you see see this on the next cake boss this is the cake boss that you have to defeat in the cake dungeon welcome to the cake dungeon can you imagine i am your cake boss you get so many sick so many sick cake loot drop take loot drops off of this cake oh man i can't believe it you get like the eternal candle yep and you can trade that in for several gold you know well guys sort of icing yeah the frosted night the frosted blade frosted blade um well guys that's been our show i think um big news we have uh a live show this uh next tuesday february 10 this next this very next tuesday at seven p.m. at the people's improv theater um we'll put a link to tickets in the description uh please come to our show so that we can do more shows and feel good about our lives thanks for watching you know leave leave suggestions as always if you do if you have a dumb thing you want us to draw like the worst birthday cake or anything else whatever your heart desires something we can ruin and uh you know what have a great week um go sit in a crow you chunts we're sorry hey i'm Caldwell i'm Nathan uh thank you guys for watching our video if you want to subscribe to the Drawfee channel please click here uh and if you want to watch more videos on this channel you can click right here uh and if you want to stop this whole miserable charade just click that little x in the corner thanks for watching we're sorry |
SaturdayNightLive | book_club_snl | In chapter four, I was so excited when Lily met Ryle, but when Atlas came back. Juicy. am I a bad person for liking Atlas? I don't have no idea who or what you guys are talking about. girl, didn't you read the book?
Well, unfortunately, no. my mind's been a little bit elsewhere. Ok, gotcha. Can I just say I totally related to how she finally found love? I have been so swamped. well, preoccupied really. really, it's ok. things have just been a little bit crazy since I got the call. what call?
I don't know. you know, that famous call that says, I'm going to be on shark Tank. I have been sitting on a million dollar idea, and after we shoot, things are probably going to be quite different. the power structure in this friend group is going to shift. I didn't even know you were an inventor. Yeah, what's the idea?
Well, it's just this little t-shirt that says, don't ask if I'm ok. I'm ok. but if everyone starts asking if I'm ok, I might start crying. So is it like a special type of t-shirt? How do you mean? like, does the t-shirt do anything? or is it just a t-shirt that says that on it?
Ha, bingo. she might be ugly, but she's smart. Girl, I don't know if that's really shark tank material. Oh, are you jealous that when I'm a millionaire, we'll all hang out at my super cool mansion instead of your small, stinky house? my house isn't stinky. Ooh, that smells good. there is my science. it's just gross. I think she's saying it seems like a shirt that says, don't ask me how I am isn't enough to bait the sharks. Well, that's not what it says, Numbnuts.
I distilled the entire human experience into three sentences. don't ask if I'm ok. I'm ok. But if everyone starts asking if I'm ok, I might start crying.
Well, if I'm being totally honest, I think it's too many words. Interesting. Stinkbug thinks my t-shirt's too cluttered.
Well, let me ask you this. are you ok? uh, yeah. you sure you're ok? yes. hey, Jess, are you ok? you can tell us. are you ok? Oh, my God, yes. please stop asking if I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. hey, are you ok?
James got laid off a few months back. and he says he's looking for work. but I followed him Monday. And he sat in his car and ate two bagels with nothing on them and not cut in half.
Here, take this. it's yours. Thank you for this. I'll give you $400k for 20% stake in your company. I'll give you $500k, $5, but 10%? Hell, how's the cool million sound? Well, if you're willing to work together, I'll take all the money. Ok, it's a deal. let's go. |
cracked | why_the_nra_is_even_terrible_for_gun_owners_cracked_explains_the_national_rifle_association | Hi, I'm Cracked Senior Editor Josh Sargent, and the Second Amendment guarantees an individual's right to keep a firearm for personal defense. This has been, across the board, the accepted interpretation since all the way back in 2008, because that was when the Supreme Court overturned 200 years of earlier decisions, all of which had said the exact opposite. If you were under a different impression about what that amendment meant, then don't feel bad, because everybody else was too.
Even Michael Moore, in the middle of his documentary about how much guns sucked, didn't think to challenge this. Why don't you unload the gun? Because the Second Amendment gives me the right to have it loaded.
Oh, I agree. I totally agree with that.
This misconception all comes back to one organization, the NRA. Far be it from me to criticize the work of one of America's most powerful lobbying groups, so I'll just let Supreme Court Justice Warren Burger do it for me. A well-regulated militia being necessary for the defense of the state, people's rights to bear arms.
This has been the subject of one of the greatest pieces of fraud. I repeat the word fraud on the American public by special interest groups that I have ever seen in my lifetime.
That guy was appointed by Ronald Republican Jesus Reagan. But before I get started explaining what Burger means there, let me clarify something.
This isn't a pro-gun control video. I won't be arguing for or against any specific interpretation of the Second Amendment. What I will be saying is that the NRA is so inconsistent and dishonest that they are bad for the gun debate even if you agree with them. The NRA has not always opposed gun control.
In the early 20th century, they not only supported gun regulation, but helped write the first waiting period laws and created the idea for handgun permits. NRA President Carl Frederick testified before Congress in 1934 that he had never believed in the general practice of carrying weapons or the promiscuous toting of guns. And he thought ownership of the weapons should be sharply restricted. And bear that to NRA President Charlton Heston, who in 2000 waved a rifle around and challenged everyone in the room to fight him for it.
From my cold, dead hands. It all comes back to what's known as the revolt at Cincinnati.
In 1977, gun control was gaining serious traction in Washington. And rather than tackle this issue head on, the NRA actually decided to move away from that scene by literally moving out of Washington D.C. to Colorado. A lot of people didn't like this. Some because it meant they couldn't live the hard-partying lifestyle of political activists anymore. According to one NRA member, they were upset that they weren't being invited to parties anymore.
Two of these guys were Neil Knox and Harlan Carter. In May of 1977, they and about a thousand other low-level NRA members hijacked a meeting by thumbing through every by-law and loophole in the NRA's rule book they could find. By 3.30 a.m., the NRA's entire leadership had been kicked out and replaced by now Officer Neil Knox and Executive Vice President Harlan Carter, both of whom opposed any gun control legislation at all.
That seems extreme, but it's nothing compared to the fact that Neil Knox thought the assassination of JFK and Martin Luther King were part of a gun control conspiracy, saying that there had been far too many coincidences to ignore. So we're talking about a white guy who thinks the U.S. government assassinated Martin Luther King Jr. to inconvenience him. Also, Knox thought someone pointing a gun at another person and pulling the trigger and then that person dying was a coincidence. Another weird coincidence is this camera crew that just happened to be here filming at the same moment that I showed up with a script about how crazy the NRA is.
It's working out really well for me, but still.
Another thing worth mentioning is that NRA Executive Vice President Harlan Carter shot and killed a 15-year-old boy named Ramon Casiano in 1931 and was convicted of murder, only to have that conviction later overturned because the judge hadn't explained self-defense law to the jury adequately. Carter hid this fact for 50 years until newspapers uncovered it in 1981, and then he spent as long as he could denying that it ever happened. Carter was also an award-winning sharpshooter.
So when Carter and Knox took over, the NRA changed the entire purpose of its existence and became 100% about politics. It is also, in another coincidence, the moment they abandoned honesty forever.
Between 1888 and 1959, every single law review article on the Second Amendment concluded either explicitly or implicitly that the Second Amendment did not guarantee the individual's right to own a gun. And the only reason my point starts in 1888 is because before then, we weren't keeping track of law review articles. Back then, the Second Amendment was about as controversial as the Ninth Amendment, which is such a boring amendment that you don't even know what it is.
No, that's the Ninth Commandment. No, that's the Ninth Dual Commandment from the musical Hamilton. Those are the nine members of the Supreme Court. That's the director of the Ninth Gate. That's an animal that, according to urban legend, has nine lives.
Uh, one more. Ah, there we go. Ah, that was a worthwhile use of everyone's time.
Interestingly, the politics surrounding the Second Amendment changed right when the NRA got involved. A very first legal scholar to argue that the Second Amendment supported the right to individual gun ownership was Stuart R. Hayes in 1960. And he cited the NRA's American Rifle Magazine in his opening. By the 1970s, the NRA was sponsoring legal seminars and funding research to encourage this exact kind of thinking.
Some more dates. Between 1912 and 1959, there were 11 articles published about the Second Amendment. Between 1980 and 1989, it was 38. The next decade, it was 87. And each year, more and more supported the NRA's position.
It came out of nowhere. And being nowhere, I mean all of the NRA's money.
What's weird is that you don't actually need the Second Amendment to fight for individual gun rights. If we decide the Second Amendment is just about malicious, you can still argue that people can buy guns because of the Ninth Amendment. Remember that one? It guarantees the people all the other rights the first eight amendments don't spell out. The whole argument doesn't have to live and die on the second one. So it's clear the NRA just focused on the Second Amendment because it's simple and good advertising. Think about it.
If the Bill of Rights were Star Trek movies, that means the Ninth Amendment is Star Trek Insurrection, where everyone's ran out of steam and Riker thinks he knows how to direct. But the Second Amendment is Wrath of Khan, which features Ricardo Montalban's chest and one of the most iconic moments in film history. It's short, it's rad, and it makes great propaganda.
And this is probably why you'd think if American gun ownership was such an important part of our nation's founding, it'd be easy to find evidence. Instead, the NRA is always going for stuff like this.
Now, the quote, free men do not ask permission to bear arms, first appeared online in 2001. It's nowhere in Jefferson's writing. Meanwhile, the Jefferson quote, no free men shall ever be debarred the use of arms, is from his first draft of the Virginia Constitution. The second and third draft added the qualifier within his own lands, and the final draft didn't include the phrase at all. It's a sentiment Jefferson decided he didn't want written down anywhere, and the NRA is now paying homage to him by printing it on thousands of t-shirts.
And the lies aren't contained to their swag. In 1996, the NRA fought successfully to prevent the Center for Disease Control from receiving funding to research guns because they thought the CDC was unfairly biased against them. And when this gets brought up, they always cite the same evidence.
First, they have a quote from Dr. Patrick O'Carroll in the Journal of American Medal Association, where he said that he was going to use his work to systematically build the case that owning firearms causes death. Second, they have Mark Rosenberg writing the public health policy for preventing violence, recommending allowing only police guards and the military to have guns, or the outright ban of gun ownership. And third, they have Rosenberg again, saying that he envisions a long-term campaign to convince Americans that guns are, first and foremost, a public health menace. If you Google these quotes, you'll see they not only appear on the NRA's website, but an op-ed stretching back for two decades, plus thousands of condescending Reddit posts, every single one of which I have read.
Please help me.
They're popular because they seem pretty damning, but I looked those quotes up, and in context, none of them are proof or even vaguely suggestive that the CDC is biased against guns. The comment from Patrick O'Carroll is not from an article written by O'Carroll, but from an interview with him where he specifically said the purpose of his work is not to bring about gun control. He's quoted saying the thing from the website, but the very next issue the JAMA published, a letter from Dr. Carroll where he calls that quote out specifically, saying he never said it, and then such an approach would be anathema to unbiased scientific research. Because it would be. The first quote from Rosenberg is actually a quote from a chart published in the middle of Rosenberg's article. A chart that lists several possible approaches to curbing gun violence, but doesn't recommend any of them. In fact, it's printed right above a paragraph where Rosenberg says that firearm injuries can be reduced without banning guns. The second Rosenberg quote is actually a quote from the interviewer and comes right between two more statements where Rosenberg says he doesn't want to ban guns.
I can keep going.
The NRA published an article saying that Rosenberg said in an interview with the Washington Post that we should think of guns like cigarettes, dirty, deadly, and banned. Except if you read the interview, you see that in context, he's not talking about banning guns. He's suggesting educating people on their dangers and moving away from promoting them is cool. Also, cigarettes aren't banned. Also, the interview wasn't in the Washington Post, it was in the New York Times.
The NRA's recklessness with the printed word does not make me want to trust them with an assault rifle. It seems like the real reason Rah wanted to defund the CDC had nothing to do with their study's methodology, but because they didn't like the results. Which was stuff like guns kept in the home are associated with an increase in the risk of homicide by family members. And there is no evidence of a protective benefit from gun ownership in any sub group. I don't know if the CDC is biased against gun control. There might be plenty of evidence out there to make that argument, but the NRA has not found it.
All they've done is dominate the discussion like a drunk uncle screaming about Monica Lewinsky and ruining what was just a couple seconds ago a very nice Thanksgiving dinner.
But the NRA's efforts to prevent gun violence research, known as the Dickey Amendment, have been affected. Now to be clear, the Dickey Amendment actually just prevents the CDC from advocating or promoting gun control. They can technically still perform studies, but they don't. Because as I just showed, the NRA interprets I don't support a gun ban as meaning I secretly support a gun ban. So it's no surprise that they make the CDC too nervous to conduct the studies. In fact, according to the Washington Post, and yeah, I checked, it's not New York Times, young academics are warned that researching guns is a good way to kill their careers.
The worst part is that the NRA doesn't even really represent gun owners. If you follow the money, they actually represent gun manufacturers. Less than half of the NRA's funding comes from fees and membership dues. The majority of their cash comes from grants, royalty income, and advertising from companies like Midway USA, Springfield Armory, and Beretta. And this is where all the inconsistency and lies start to make sense. Nothing the organization is doing works out unless the NRA's bottom line is protecting the financial interest of their funders. They're using the American gun owners as a smoke screen to hide the fact that the gun industry is very irresponsibly marketing their guns by appealing to violent fantasies and insecurity. Because as has been made clear by our movie and video games industry, these fantasies and insecurities are worth a shitload of cash.
This gun is called the PA459 because 459 is a penal code for a burglary in progress. This is why gun sales always spike after a mass shooting. Some people are fantasizing about heroically getting the chance to gun down bad guys in a public place, which means the people who want to stop mass shootings with their guns and the people who want to commit mass shootings with their guns are having the same fundamentally unrealistic fantasy. The alternative is that people are buying guns after mass shootings because they're worried that the Democrats are coming to take them away.
Well here's the whole thing about that.
In 2008 the NRA ran an article titled Obama most anti-gun candidate ever will ban guns. In 2012 NRA president Wayne LaPierre said that Obama endorsed a total ban on the manufacturers sale in possession of all handguns. Meanwhile in reality under Obama we only passed two laws with the gun ownership and both expanded the rights of gun owners. Now the NRA is making the same claim about Clinton. They consistently say this about Democrats because they're largely Republican organization even though the last president to seize Americans guns was George W. Bush in 2005. But since the NRA had endorsed him for president it'd be politically inconvenient for them to admit that. And now they're making the same claim about Clinton despite the total lack of evidence. Because the NRA doesn't really represent gun owners only one in ten gun owners is a member and yet they keep using language like this. Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton is waging an all-out war on guns and gun owners. She has called the NRA her number one enemy. They pretend that criticizing the NRA is the same as criticizing everybody who owns a gun even though 90% of gun owners like me and most people in my family aren't members.
It's pretty convincing in fact the model is so effective that other industries have tried to rip it off. In 1993 Philip Morris tried to start the National Smokers Alliance hoping to create a generation of politically active smokers.
The problem was that the image of the government coming and stealing everybody's smokes is cartoonishly stupid unlike the NRA's image of the government coming and taking everybody's guns which is just the boring kind of stupid. To stay relevant the NRA has to keep gun owners scared which means getting creative with what being a gun owner even means. Look at the difference between these NRA posters from before the revolt at Cincinnati and these ones from right after. Like what is that second one even trying to say? Are you not a real gun owner unless you've blasted a burglar's leg off in front of your kids? Now look at this image from the front page of the NRA taking the day I wrote this. Again and I think this is worth repeating I'm not making a point about guns but no matter what your stance it's embarrassing to have an organization like this playing a major role in American politics.
Once we get rid of all the people who seem to exist purely to spread confusion and outrage we can finally get back to what politics is supposed to be about. Wait why do we have politics? Thanks for watching that episode of Cracked Explains. Please like and subscribe and leave a comment telling us what other totally non-controversial soft political issue we should talk about in a way that won't piss anybody off. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Country_Trusted_with_Historic_Referendum_Couple_Who_Bought_House_Last_Year_Travelling_Around_Ama_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Rap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. My name's Clancy Overall. I'm joined by Wendell Hussey and Errol Parker. Big week for the Batutah Advocate this week, historic week.
We had the premiere for our new Paramount Plus television series down there in Sydney on Tuesday night at the iconic heritage-listed Art Deco Randwick Ritz. Not a bad little do. A few of the Sydney Elites down there, the media types. Yeah, Sydney Elites.
We had Ray Martin and Willie Mason and Tyson Pedro and a couple of Sheilas from MAFs. You know, that was the first time I'd ever laid eyes on Ray Martin. I'd never heard of him until then. Well, you did call him Ron. Roy Martin? You called him Roy Martin? Ron Martin.
Oh, he's Ray. Ray.
I was also surprised to learn that he's not in his 60s. Bit older than that. What are we talking? Look, he's in good nick. Mid-70s. He's as old as Bernie Sanders. Well, look, that... He's younger than Joe Biden, though. That makes sense when you say that on stage. But he's in better nick than all of them.
At the Ritz, though. Now, thank you, by the way, Ray Martin, for introducing us on stage and running the Q&A. Felt like, I don't know if this is what you meant, but it kind of felt like a passing of the torch a little bit. I don't know. Some people were saying that's what it looked like.
Anyway, the Tudor Advocate presents out now on Paramount Plus, but in the meanwhile, we're going to give you our best headlines, the most popular and most important and most groundbreaking headlines of the week. What have we got in the news, Wendell Hussy? Well, we'll start off with something that's a little bit politically related, and the headline reads like this.
Country that voted Macklemore number one is being trusted with a historic referendum. Yes, in a scenario similar to giving the car keys and credit card to a 10-year-old and asking them to pop down to the shops and get ingredients for dinner that they will have to make themselves, the Australian voting public is being trusted with a historic referendum. We're talking about the referendum on a voice to parliament, which of course won't see our political system torn down and rebuilt, but it is occurring in a nation that voted Macklemore's Thrift Shop as the greatest song of 2012. Often touted as the world's biggest music democracy, the Triple J Hottest 100 counts down the best songs of the past year, as voted for by the people.
In 2012, US rapper Macklemore took the top honours, a fact that only becomes more embarrassing when you remember that the top five also included Monsters of Men, Old J, Mumford & Son and of course Kendrick Lamar that year. Well, that's not an embarrassment, Kendrick Lamar, surely. No, he's cool, isn't he? Well, it's an embarrassment that those all ranked above him. He can speak very quickly, it's too fast for me. What about even quicker than Macklemore when he goes, yo, it was 99 cents?
Well, I don't even know what this play looks like. What, what?
It looks like an AFL play. It caused quite a stir when he came out with that same love for the Grand Final, Errol Parker. It was a disgraceful political stunt that the NRL pulled on.
I don't know if you remember that. He should have sung an anti-gay song as well, to give it balance. I don't know if too many exist in the lexicon in this country, in the great Australian songbook.
They miss their dive straights money for nothing when they go, look at that F word. He ain't working, money for nothing and the kids are free.
Macklemore could have done a good rendition of that, I guess. Yes, sir.
We'll head overseas for our next story. And a couple who bought a house last year are miraculously travelling around the Amalfi Coast. It is quite incredible, really, Wendell. Despite having to beg, borrow and steal to scrape together a deposit for a $1.4 million sewer upper in Batuda's French Quarter, a local couple are currently enjoying a six week sojourn along the Mediterranean. Yes, speaking to us from Sorrento while enjoying a couple 20 euro apparel spritz, the young couple said they're enjoying a much needed escape from the Australian winter. Obviously, they have made arrangements with the Bank of Mum and Dad saying that they were in desperate need of holiday.
So sometimes you just have to make things happen. Oh, 100%. Oh, well, first against the wall with them. And what else is making news, Wendell? Speaking of next against the wall, we'll do this bloke.
Yeah, we're talking about a career public servant who took a 90 minute lunch break coming out and saying that this new generation are entitled. Yes, 74 year old Bill Wilson has informed the advocate that he holds grave, grave concerns for the younger generation. The Rhodes and Maritime employee, who has enjoyed the perks of a government job for the overwhelming majority of his life, said he's concerned about how the economy is going to function with all these hangers on. Here's the man who takes every second Friday off despite working a regular nine to five with an hour lunch break says, these youngins just don't have a good work ethic. And Bill went on to tell us that all that they want to do really is just go on holidays around the world and be praised for it. And then he peeled off to do a two hour long work meeting about something he had no idea about.
Yes. This is the bloke that everyone in his office thought had retired at 62, but it turns out he'd just taken 10 years long service leave on half pay. Yeah. He returned to the office at 72 with the same skills he had in the early 1960s. He did the great nomad thing. And I think there's probably a little bit of that in this story. There's probably just a bit of post holiday blues for Bill there. Yeah. I think Bill could be projecting, like he could have to go back to work because of how he raised his own children. So now he probably has to raise his grandchildren. Yeah.
That's, I mean, you never know. You don't know what's going on. We don't know what's happening. We don't know his truth. We don't know his, we know his name, not his story.
We'll finish up with another local story and a bloke who can't really afford $1,500 for an ADHD assessment is just going to continue punching bongs. Yes. Young Ian Marsden has today revealed the peculiar situation he's found himself in. After realising his experience when munching on Dex amphetamines is quite different to some of his friends' experience and being sledge by his mates about having ADHD due to his fucking depraved behaviour and inability to focus on a single conversation, Ian decided it was time to go and see if there was some truth to it all. Could you imagine what kind of company a young man named Ian with ADHD would be? I think it would be quite interesting, but not wanting to be with one of those, you know, hipsters who does those TikTok self-diagnosis, Ian reportedly trudged off to see a specialist doctor to see if he could get sorted out. However, after being told that he should cough up a couple of grand to get a diagnosis and some medication, the cash poor young man decided to, you know, just keep on ripping bongs until his regular GP has an available bulk billing spot.
Which probably won't be any time soon. Oh, these poor doctors mate, you know, they're just not getting enough unfortunately. You should just be able to tell a chemist what you want and get it like in Thailand.
True. Like, their system works so much better.
Like you don't need some like uppity fucking old prick doctor with a disgraceful gut hanging over his belt to tell you that you need to do this and do that. It's like, just give me some Valium you red-faced c**t and just fuck off.
Ah, there we go. The pharma's geared the health system out of Parker, out of all the steps along the way. Everyone needs to cash in. That's capitalism. That's what this government's done to us. Turned us into savages. No one wants to be GP's anymore. Oh, it's such a hard job, isn't it?
No. GP. No. Oh no. You're paid that much more. No, no. As in like if you're an academic.
Oh, my kid has eczema. Oh no. Have some Panadol and a glass of water and a fucking lie down. What I'm saying is, aside from that, medical students want to spend 10 more years at university and focus on the intricacies of thumb bones. It's so much better being a surgeon because you can just, like, when you're old as a surgeon, you just come in and do the hard part and you fuck off and you charge our health system out the fucking ring hole to fucking... And you abuse eye medication. Yeah, it's like, oh, some fucking old dude needs a new knee. No fucking worries. I'm not going to have to cut him open. I'm just going to have to go in there and tighten some fucking screws and then charge the taxpayer like $55,000 all so this guy can just continue to just fucking faff around with a poor diet and chain smoke with his brand new knee in there. I think a lot of these young kids there, they're sons of surgeons, sons of doctors too, Clancy, overall, so you can afford to just spend 10 years studying some weird thumb bone that you just mentioned there, a bit attached to reality. I can just live in my parents' pool house and fucking learn how to be the same doctor that my dad is.
Easy peasy. Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, that's all from us this week. Thank you for tuning in and please tune into our new Paramount Plus TV show. We're probably going to win Logies. There's a lot of whispers out there. We'll speak to you next week.
Bye-bye. Ciao.
As you know, hipsters who does those TikTok self-diagnosis, Ian reportedly trudged off to see a specialist doctor to see if he could get sorted out. However, after being told that he should cough up a couple of grand to get a diagnosis and some medication, the cash poor young man decided to just keep on ripping bongs until his regular GP has an available bulk billing spot. Which probably won't be anytime soon. Oh, these poor doctors, mate, they're just not getting enough unfortunately.
You should just be able to tell a chemist what you want and get it in Thailand. True. Like their system works so much better.
Like you don't need some like uppity fucking old prick doctor with a disgraceful gut hanging over his belt to tell you that you need to do this and do that. It's like, just give me some Valium, you red-faced c**t and just f**k off.
It's not the way you go. Ah, there we go. The pharmacist geared the health system, Errol Parker, all the steps along the way. Everyone needs a fashion. That's capitalism. It's what this government's done to us. Turned us into savages.
No one wants to be GPs anymore. Ah, it's such a hard job, isn't it? Being a GP.
No. Oh no. You paid that much money. Oh my god. No, no. As in like if you're an academic. Oh, my kid has eczema. Here, here's some steroid cream. Oh no. Let me Google. No.
Have some Panadol and a glass of water. What I'm saying is aside from that, medical students want to spend 10 more years at university and focus on the intricacies of thumb bones. It's so much better being a surgeon because you can just like, when you're old as a surgeon, you just come in and do the hard part and you fuck off and you charge our health system out the fucking ring hole to fucking- And you abuse eye medication.
Yeah. It's like, oh, some fucking old dude needs a new knee. No fucking worries. I'm not going to have to cut him open. I'm just going to have to go in there and tighten some fucking screws and then charge the taxpayer like $55,000 all so this guy can just continue to just fucking faff around with a poor diet and chain smoke with his brand new knee in there. I think a lot of these young kids there, they're sons of surgeons, sons of doctors too. I can afford to just spend 10 years studying some weird thumb bone that you just mentioned there. Yeah. I can just live in my parents' pool house and fucking learn how to be the same doctor that my dad is. Easy peasy. Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, that's all from us this week. Thank you for tuning in and please tune in to our new Paramount Plus TV show. We're probably going to win Logies. There's a lot of whispers out there. We'll speak to you next week.
Bye bye. Ciao. |
cracked | 8_surprising_ways_alcohol_gives_you_temporary_superpowers | Okay, so this might be Superman's day off. That means you need to be your superhero. That means you need to be more than just a man.
That means you need to keep drinking! Because aside from being f***ing terrible for you, alcohol has surprisingly positive effects on the human body. Like, did you know the Mayo Clinic says drinking in moderation can help your heart? And a study of British civil servants said people who average 30 drinks a week perform better on logic and math tests than non-drinkers? The New York Times even says alcohol won't kill your brain cells like you think it does. Sure, alcohol will kill all your other organs. Because alcohol is straight up once you dip. Alcohol is the man of steel, mean. Alcohol is super sad, Snyder's Superman, your kidneys are Zod's neck.
Really?
Okay, Winter Twins, McGocqua man, if any fish need a bucket of water, I'll be sure to let them know you're their man. Yeah, there you go. Now that's daily planet drinking.
That booze will numb up your central nervous system, which will loosen your limbs, which means you can fall without tensing up. It's how your drunken red sun equivalent fell five stories and survived with only the minor negative side effects of three entire bottles of vodka. And if you conquer your noggin on super impact, hit a flask stab. Because a study of tens of thousands of head trauma patients found that a timely dose of alcohol can prevent the spread of swelling and inflammation in the brain after injury. And since you're impervious to kryptonite, your nemesis will poison you any other way they can. If the poison's antifreeze boos that out of your body with ethanol. It doesn't even have to be medicinal ethanol. Because some truly Australian, Australian doctors save their mate with a vodka drip.
It's a trick that'll even work on your dog, Krypto. And you know drinking increases your confidence, but did you know it can increase your dongfidence? As long as you don't drink to the point of whiskey dick, modern drinkers are 25 to 30 percent less likely to have erectile difficulties than non-drinkers. So take that cockiness and use it. Go save that lady faster than a speeding bullet. All that good news should make you feel heroic and help you forget that drinking too much will, I repeat, will kill you dead.
Not death of Superman is a DC Comics event, dead. Dead dead.
Also don't drive. Oh, joints. Did I not say not to drive?
Oh, phew. You're back in one piece. How's your new Lois Lang slash Lana Lang? She wasn't there? Oh. She's probably fine. You probably didn't waste time drinking when you could've just saved her. Superman probably flew there first and saved the day the way he normally would. Oh. Wow, this ended real dark. Oh, that explains it.
Boy, that video was fun, huh? A lot of laughs to be had there. Dan was probably in it. A lot of good things happened. We all had a really good time together.
Go ahead and go down to the comments and tell us the most intricate details of this video. Uh, that was about dogs. I want to say, uh, or subscribe to our channel. Or share this video. Disseminate it as you see fit. If you didn't like it, maybe, maybe now's the time for quiet. |
dropout | hardly_working_camouflage | Morning guys. I can't believe Streeter's not here. I just got here man. Yeah, it's weird not seeing him Yeah, I could have sworn. I just heard him come in, but then I looked over and nothing.
Oh I get it ha ha very funny. I keep glancing at his desk hoping I'll see something. It's weird. It's like he's here But he's not just a camouflage shirt you jerks. It's laundry day only I could see him right now You know I finally tell him how I feel come on I literally have no other clean shirts sometimes. I think if I stare hard enough. I'll see him you know listen I know it's an ugly shirt, but I literally have no other clean shirts Are you assholes really gonna keep this up all day? It's like I can almost hear him yelling camouflage doesn't muffle sound you dumb bitch. I know you're messing with me, and you know what? If you guys hate one more joke about my shirt, I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out, okay?
Can you see me now? I wonder what he'd be doing now if we could see him. I guess we'll never know No, it sure is sad that he died yesterday No, at least we buried him in his favorite camouflage shirt |
cracked | the_guy_who_changed_his_name_and_locked_himself_in_a_home_for_a_year_to_prove_online_shopping_worked | A man changed his name to .comguy, locked himself in a house for a year, and lived off the internet back when people thought shopping online was weird. Mitch Maddox, a twenty-something computer systems manager, sought to prove that anyone could get by with just a computer and a credit card, right when Y2K was supposed to destroy computers and credit cards. On January 1st, 2000, the human domain name confined himself to the .compound and lived off the land, getting groceries from peapod.com and books and magazines from, yep, you guessed it, borders.com.
Millions tuned in to watch his Truman Show-esque experience, and even hosted special guests like Ed McMahon and the band Incubus. But over time, the audience appeared to grow tired, and before the year's end, dwindling sponsorships forced the e-commerce mascot to forfeit his $98,280 salary.
After being released from captivity on January 1st, 2001, he took a trip to Disney World and proposed to a woman he'd met in his chatroom. He also changed his name back to Mitch Maddox, though for some reason that took, like, another three years. While the entire experiment seems pretty quaint in retrospect, who would have guessed that we'd all get to experience the .compound guy lifestyle 20 years later? |
dropout | peter_pevensie_kanto_clones | From Moss Flower to Moss Eisley, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's one thing they love above all else. That is correcting people. This is Um, Actual.
Joining us today we have Zac Oyama. Good evening. Becca Scott. Hello.
And Thomas Middletitch. Yeah, yay! And Thomas? Suck it! Do you have a little aggressive? Yeah. What are you going to do about it? We were told, um, to be aware of situations like this where we bring a jock into a dork environment. Well, the lion is in the cat den. Are you feeling intimidated right now, Zac? Yeah, I mean it's like filtering down, like that. And you, Becca? I'm going to win. I don't accept losing as an answer. Sure. And Thomas? Don't give a fuck.
So, uh, here we are. If you haven't played before, the rules are pretty simple. I have a stack of statements here about...
Fan franchises. Fan franchises that have, uh... Um, actually, it's called a fandom.
Ah, god damn it. Fine. This is exactly why I hate you, dorks. Popular fandoms, Becca.
But there's something wrong with each of these statements. If you spot it, buzz in, and correct me. Your correction must be prefaced with the phrase, um, actually, and you can interrupt me at any time.
Just like in real life, uh, it doesn't matter what I'm... Like right now? Yeah, exactly. The point I'm trying to take... It doesn't matter. It's better than everyone, and you're here to prove it and prove that I'm a small, weak man who doesn't know what he's talking about. Got it. Agreed. Great.
This first question is about X-Men. Ugh. The X-Men are one of the most multinational superhero teams in comics, including Storm from Kenya, Colossus from the former Soviet Union, and Nightcrawler from Germany. Meanwhile, Professor X, Cyclops, Wolverine, and Jean Grey are all from the United States.
Um, actually... Yes, Becca, you buzz in first.
Storm is not from Kenya. She's from Kenya.
Um, actually, and I hate that I know this, cause I think all of it's dumb, Wolverine is from Canada. That's correct. Wolverine is from Canada. Oh, Canada, he shoots, he scores, a twine-seeking missile from the bottom to the top right at the blue line. Buddy! Uh... That's sports.
This question is about Cowboy Bebop. Set in 2071, former gangster Spike Spiegel and ex-cop Jet Black work together as bounty hunters aboard Jet's ship, the Bebop.
They are later joined by several younger crew members, including Faye Valentine, a con artist, Ed, a hacker, and a genetically-enhanced corgi known as Data Dog. Um, actually, the corgi's name is Ein. It is Ein, but it is also known as Data Dog.
Um, actually, Faye Valentine is older than them. That's correct. Faye Valentine is 77 years old, who is cryogenically frozen, and so is technically older.
It's a fun anime with a bunch of jazz. Anime? Anime and jazz, finally combining the two things people are clamoring the most for. The perfect blend.
Still an electrosynth pop opening. Guess I don't know enough about music to debate that. That's a good point. Neither do I. Neo-electro-sub-st-in-st-in-st-in-st-in-st-in. I think that's the official, uh, music sub-genre.
Alright, our next question is about the Princess Bride. Enigo Montoya's father was famously killed by the villainous Prince Humberdink, when Enigo was just a boy. Um, actually, he was killed by the six fingered man. and not the prince. That's correct. But they're one and the same. What, no, Count Rugen is the six fingered man. Prince Humperdink is a different character altogether. Fucking killing it right now. Well, Robin Wright had to marry Prince Humperdink, who had six fingers? No.
It was his finger. Jack even raised the finger, I think, unintentionally. The show was made for you, Zach. The six fingered man is Christopher Guest, right?
I don't remember who plays it. According to my calculations, you're right. This question is about Pokemon. In the extended Pokemon universe, Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy appear to exist and work in every town, though it is acknowledged that neither is a single entity, but rather multiple identical clones. Zach.
I'm actually their sisters? That's close enough. I'm actually their mother and daughter. They're all a giant family. They're all identical, related, working in the exact same job. They just happen to look that much alike? They just happen to look that much alike. They're just all family members. I would say that clones are family. I mean, family goes so much more beyond just biology.
If you've seen the Fast and the Furious movies, family is about ride or die, family. I mean, if you've seen the latest one, Vin Diesel literally says that 110 times.
This brings us to our first shiny question. Shiny questions like shiny Pokemon are worth the same amount.
They're basically the same. They're just a little bit different.
This is a little game called Super Saying. Fantastic World made fantastical phrases. Here on the screen, I want you to match the common expressions to the character associated with that expression.
So, this is surprisingly heavy. Yes, we wanted to make it as big and heavy and difficult for you to manage as possible. So the first person to correctly arrange all these sayings onto the correct character and buzz in, we'll get the point. I like it. Yeah, the gloves seem like they're gonna make this way more difficult than it should be.
Oh, Becca, already done. Sure. All right, show us what you got here. Okay.
This is not correct, so someone else can still buzz in with a correct answer. Buzz buzz, buzz buzz. Buzz buzz, motherfucker.
Oh, this shit's all, it's slipping and sliding. It's almost like those gloves. No, those are important sports, but you're not allowed to take those off. Oh, I see, you're just sort of put it on. All right, we're looking at Thomas's here. Is it? That is correct. Oh, dick.
You know, you can break these down linguistically. You know, you don't actually have to know the answers. Well, unless you know these ones, you gotta know, G-O-T, man.
HBO, home box office, the home of the best television. How come you're promoting the brands that you're affiliated with?
That's fine, that's fine, we can do that. We're not allowed to plug? No, no, we can plug, we can plug.
We got A-Z-S-H, right? That's like demon speak, that's the kind of demon. Klingon's got apostrophes and whatnot. You know, you can just, you know, break it down. This is George Lucas, we have bada bada poo poo. I mean, of course it says poodoo in it. It's just like, you can tell sophistication in nonsense language.
I don't actually know this. Is this Soul Calibur?
That is, that's from Starcraft. Oh, is he a zerg? He's a protoss. He's a protoss, no, do it.
Can't wait for the internet to be alive without one. It takes one thing and just like you can hear a million blood vessels bursting across the country.
How could you think that's a zerg?
It's exactly why I've turned jock. That's it for this preview of Um, Actually. If you enjoyed it, I have good news. There's a lot more of it over on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. Fun fact, I'm not wearing any pants right now. Oh, um, actually, you bring a girl into this. |
cracked | 12_3_07_news_on_cracked_michael_jackson_paris_and_mentos | It's Monday, December 3rd, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'll take Gilbert Gottfried for the block. Michael Jackson's classic hit, Thriller, has turned 25 years old, so he doesn't like it anymore. It's just not his type.
The Idaho Statesman reports that four additional men have come forward to claim that they too have had sex with Senator Larry Craig. In a related story, while they were out doing that, I had sex with Larry Craig's wife, a Suzanne. Call me.
Uncle Knievel has passed away at the age of 69. The daredevil's remains will be scattered across the Snake River Canyon in keeping with his wish not to be cremated. Ouch. That's painful. I believe his birth name was very, very ungood Knievel. He changed it for his career.
The space shuttle Atlantis was reportedly on track for a December 6th launch attempt. NASA officials confirmed that all systems are go for one of this year's most highly anticipated cancellations. Tonight, the New England Patriots try to keep their undefeated NFL season going.
Of course, children are still starving to death in Bosnia, so you may want to question your priorities a little. Prick. Advertising experts say that targeted ad placement on the web improved steadily during 2007, with new, clever ways to get targeted ads in front of the people whose web-surfing trends match the right demographic for the advertiser. Unsurprisingly, this story was brought to you by Paris Hilton's New DVD, a couple more dimly-lit and grainy nights in Paris. In a related story ... That's it for the news on Cracked. Check back tomorrow, because by then, I might finally be sober. |
dropout | samurai_birds_morning_drawfee | Welcome to Morning Drawfee. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan.
And this is the show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. Let's do it. Today's suggestion comes from Gary Pivovarov. He wants us to draw samurai ostrich, which we will do. We're gonna do that.
Uh-huh. Pivovarov. Pablo's gonna draw samurai ostrich. Uh-huh.
And, you know, like, when we get a suggestion like that, he's good. That's a good suggestion. Congratulations, Gary.
Yeah, we don't want him... But we don't want to, like, draw the same thing twice.
Uh-huh. But ostrich speaks like they're short. Yeah, short. Yeah. So, um... They're like, uh... They're like, yeah.
Uh, so we're gonna take a spin on that and do just samurai birds in general. Flightless birds. Flightless, yeah. You know, those birds... Groundbound birds. Birds that never could fly, so they learn the art of swordsmanship.
Exactly. They compensate it. Um... This looks like a... This is a big samurai George Washington right now. Samurai turkey. Uh-huh. But we'll get there. Samurai George Washington. You know, he's got little, like, uh, you know, curls. Like, little hat George Washington. You know what I'm talking about. Shh. Then where's the samurai part then? I don't know. So just... Not there yet. Just George Washington.
Yeah. Is what? Yeah. Exactly. I think it's... You got it. Yeah. It's happening.
Just... Mm-hmm. But, uh... But yeah. So, um...
We're drawing it.
It's, uh... This is... This is coming out on a... It's becoming real.
On a Monday. Mm-hmm. Monday morning. Shiny and new. It's a brand new world of possibilities. We're here on a Friday afternoon. Mm-hmm.
But, uh... You're just... You're starting your week off. Yeah. Starting it off with... Ooh. I like that. Yeah, they got some weird horns.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is, like, one of the... These actually... I think I accidentally drew Homestuck's. This is what the Homestuck horns look like. From that webcomic. Ooh. The webcomic Homestuck.
That's okay. That's probably fine. It's probably... You know what? I think that's probably okay.
I don't think they own... Horns? Horns. No. And if they do... It's an ongoing legal battle. Over who owns horns.
Cows. Cows are... Cows are making a running.
Yeah. They're making a push. Mm-hmm. All right, so this is... We're a rocky star, but I think we're... I think we're getting a strike. We're getting there. Yeah. We're getting there. Um... We got, uh... What we get? In, you know, in the...
In the Drawfee Dropbox.
By that we need a YouTube comment. In the comment section. Mm-hmm. That the barnacle area, as it's been referred to before. Yes. A mug scraping through those... Mm-hmm.
Those suggestions that still... Still include gay Batman. Thank you. That's never going away, apparently.
Nor should it.
You know, we'll look at it and... You'll know that Drawfee is over forever when we draw gay Batman. When we draw gay Batman.
Which I think would just... Well, herald the apocalypse. Look like Batman. I think it's just... It's just Batman. Yeah.
But he prefers... He prefers men.
Mm-hmm. In the romantic setting. Yeah. I don't think his costume would change at all. I don't know. I don't know that his sexual preference would dictate. Mm-hmm. His cuticles might be better, but you wouldn't know that. Yeah, you wouldn't be able to tell, because he wears gloves. Mm-hmm.
Um, but anyway, In There was just a very thoughtful, well-worded... That's scripted, yeah. Like, appeal to our egos. Um, and sort of a... Well, let's... You wanna read it?
Yeah, from Rose... Rose Adams writes... Uh, hey, I don't even know if this is the right place to post, or even if it will get a response. You know, starting off humble. Chokes on you, Rose Adams. It was the exact right place to post. Mm-hmm.
Uh, but I would really like to be an illustrator, or even an animator. I know they're not the same thing. Thank you. My point is, I'm exploring creatively. Anyways, I know schooling isn't always a must, but I know I have a lot of room to improve.
I was just curious what your guys' creative path looked like. For example, what schooling you had, any... If any, slash how you grew creatively, and what led you to being illustrators at College Humor. Do you get to illustrate all day, or are there other job functions you're responsible for?
This is a lot of good questions. Yeah, just, like, wants to know about us.
Which, you know, maybe the majority of you don't, but, uh... Why don't you... We're suckers for that sort of thing? Yeah, you... So... My ego's been stroked, so... Carl, why don't you... You've been doing this longer than me. Should I go? Why don't you... Tell my story? Why don't you tell your...
Unless you're concentrating on this. I am. You go first. I'm gonna continue my journey. Carl's been at this long... So, Rose, this is Nathan talking right now, and I've been an illustrator at College Humor now for... I guess this is my third year? Yeah, almost. It's the beginning of my...
Well, what happened to his eye?
Oh, man. That's much cooler. Yeah. Yeah, you get that shadow cast. I think I did it. Go ahead.
Yeah, I didn't go to college for art, but I didn't. I did take art classes, but I didn't know that this job was a job that existed. If I had, I might have... I would have definitely done more in school, art-related.
And, yeah, I just found this job on a Craigslist posting. Yeah. And I guess Carl will... I've been trying to do more writing, speaking to the whether we just draw all day. Sure. And I think that was what... I'm very scatterbrained about this answer. I'm sorry. It's okay.
It sort of attracted us to you in the first place, which we saw that you had a good portfolio of stuff. And then you also had drawn a bunch of your own comics, which I thought were funny.
I think, like, what's important is that you just kind of, like, do everything you can to really, like, try and... Try it. Try it before you live this.
Because if it's not your job, you can just try it, and no one's going to get mad at you. That's true. Just try and do things that will result in you having something to show for it. If you're not getting paid for it, you can do whatever you want. Because the internet, you can just put anything up there, and then you just have the portfolio of stuff. If your job is not to be a robber, you can just rob people. That's fine.
You'd be like, it's not my job. I'm not going to pay for it. I don't have to report to, like, a supervisor.
So you're like, what are you going to do? Report me? Kawa, what are you... Kawa worked as a robber before a bear.
Yeah. If you're not, like, a professional assassin, you can kill people, and it's fine. You're getting paid in that if you've stolen money, you get to keep that money. Yeah, but that's like freelance. You've got to report that on your taxes, or you're in trouble. Report that as a street performance. Yeah, uh-huh. Or something.
But no, I guess, basically, I was a marketing major, which... Exciting. The thing it taught me the most was that I didn't want a career in marketing.
It's good. It's a good learning tool. So that's a useful thing to have. Yeah, basically, even if it's not... Even if you want to major in something else, because it's good to learn other things, just learn about things.
But keep drawing. Keep doing whatever sort of art and stuff you're interested in.
And if your work's good, it can exist on the internet. Maybe someone will see it. We have our freelancers to do articles a lot. I should mention that now. If you are seeing this, and you think you would like to draw for us, and you think you've got what it takes, just email me.
That's probably a mistake. But email me at... This is probably a huge mistake. .tanner at CollegeHumor.com.
If you never hear back, it's because I got a million emails, and I'm dead. And you're dead. And I'm dead now.
That's the only way this could go. I imagine. Does that answer the question? I think so.
The path doesn't make sense. That's a Steve Jobs quote, right? It doesn't make sense looking forward, only looking back.
So just try and do things. It's not about the journey. If you already know now that you're interested in doing that, then just try and do it. Try and do it as much as you can.
There you go. You know what? I'm going to make up a quote right now. Call and make it up. Just do it. 100% original quote. Go for it and just do it.
Not only does he draw, folks. He's got a little something in the brain department, too.
A little something. Emphasis on little. Just a tiny bit.
All right, so I'm about ready to hand it over. This is a badass... Yeah, he's ready. He's ready for battle.
Where do ostriches actually live? Where is their habitat?
I believe Africa. Yeah. I believe the African savanna.
I guess this is like a Keanu Reeves deal, where he got adopted by a cool samurai tribe. And then he went back to Africa and defended his homeland. This is not a Keanu Reeves character, but actual Keanu Reeves. That's his backstory. He was just a regular dude. Yeah. But he got adopted by a samurai tribe. It's a very common thing for white actors to get adopted by samurai and become real cool at samurai stuff.
Oh, wow. All right. Oh, I got it. You know what? One thing.
I got to give him some cool shoulder pads here. You got to get those shoulders.
Yeah. That's like the... That's...
You need a high range of work. Give him the shoulders. To get the shoulders.
At least you did when I played. Is that for a World of Warcraft reference? That is a World of Warcraft reference. I know that...
I would hear people talking about shoulders, and that's a weird thing to talk about, as if it's something that you want in your life. Because you needed points. Mm-hmm. You need points to purchase them, but you weren't allowed to purchase the shoulders if you didn't have a certain rating. Yeah, a purple set. I don't know.
You got to get those perps. Mm-hmm. You got to get those epic lids. You got to get them yummy perps.
All right. That's my... Yeah, that's another... Don't play World of Warcraft. That will... Spend all that time drawing instead, and you'll be much better than I am. Okay. Why don't you hop in and I'll tell... Yeah, Cole, you've been here forever. All right.
So what's your story? What's your backstory? What's your origin story?
Well, I... If I make this a little smaller... Do it. So I can shrink him down. I'm gonna do... My story? I'm gonna do a penguin. Oh, cool.
Samurai penguin basket. Because those are flightless birds as well.
Mm-hmm. There we go. We've got a theme going here.
So my story is I interned for College Humor back in 2008, I guess, and I got the internship because a friend of mine was in the comedy troupe that I was in, and then they worked at College Humor, and I said, I would like to come draw a picture to you this summer, and they said, that will be fine. And so I did that. And eventually, after doing a couple years of freelance for them, I got hired full-time and have been doing that ever since. And again, just back to the original point, as far as getting that job and doing these things, you really just draw all the time.
Don't ever stop. Don't stop.
Yeah, like working other styles, trying lots of things. And then, yeah, also, to the point of other things we do, other job functions that we have, kind of do a lot of different things. We write articles as well. We do this. We do this now. We do this.
This is a new thing. Mm-hmm. A new tangent.
And then I also, I've done a bunch of other stuff, I've worked on videos, I read a video series for Dorkly now called Pokemon Rusty, which you should go check out. We can probably put a link in there if you want. Oh, put a link? We'll put a link in at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just started, yeah, I'll reference that later, but you should go check out Pokemon Rusty. Just search Pokemon Rusty on Google. It's the best way to find it. So what do we got going here?
What's this, Samurim? I'm trying to do a dynamic pose. Oh, no. I like his feet, though. Thank you. He's very like, he's like a little Kirby character. Yeah, he's got some puffy, like some of those puffy robes, Samurim. Oh, cool. I'm tired. I don't know. Yeah. You're doing a better job than I did already. My guy is just like, I just drew an ostrich and then put a bunch of plates on him. Mine looks like a bad cosplay of Samurim. All right, this is great, thus far. I think the most important thing is that you have lots of flowing ribbons and billowing things.
Oh, two blades? You got two blades? You got your short blade and your long blade. One for killing you and one for killing others. One for?
Yeah. Well, yeah.
I think it's called a... Oh, man. I can't remember what it's called. I used to know it.
Oh, well. Anyway. Is this his helmet? What's going on here? Mine's more of a, not an armor, Samurim, more of a robe. Oh, he's like a Ronin. Yeah.
He's been stripped of his... He's a penguin Ronin. He's been stripped of his honor because he disobeyed his master or he doesn't have a master for us. Well, he doesn't have a master anymore. He has no lords.
Oh, dang. This penguin is on his own. This is great. No. That was good. What's wrong with it? The lion was too thick. Okay.
I thought... Apologies. I should have known that. I should have known better.
So maybe, I imagine this penguin and this ostrich have met on the road, they're pooling their resources. What is this penguin's ultimate goal? This penguin's ultimate goal?
Yeah. Because his master's dead. He wants, he just, all he wants is to find a worthy opponent. Oh man. Good luck. My, I think my ostrich samurai is, you know, he's, I, you know, family murdered or something. Yeah. His family got murdered, he's upset about it. Should be.
Yeah, they probably, these guys probably fought once, but they're like, oh man, you're a good opponent. They were evenly matched. Yeah. Perfectly evenly matched. And they're like, I'll fight you again. And there's probably like a third, you know, this is basically samurai shampoo, but with birds, I guess is what we're getting at here.
I would say so.
Yeah. Samurai shampoo, great show. Okay. Yeah. I was going to say, you got to draw his little tux. Yeah. That's his tux. I still don't know what to do with his feet look all wrong. No, I think it's good. Okay.
He's like, he's like about to, he's like just jumped. Oh, he's in, you know, like there's the poses of like, uh, for, you know, like a samurai is like, you know, jump, just jump, post jump.
And it's all, it's very, these are the first things you learn when you go to samurai school at samurai club. Samurai club. Yeah. Did your school have a samurai club?
They did not.
I went to a Ronin. I went to a Ronin school. All Ronin. All Ronin, all day.
We were not incorporated.
It's good. Keep going. I'm going. I know we have, we have to, yeah, it's, uh, Gary Pavarov is, he's chomping at the bit for this, uh, this penguin. Oh, he's holding the sword. Okay. Whoa. This is so dynamic. I know. Mine's just like.
It was a mistake. None of, none of this is correct. That's okay. As long as that's, you know, it's the old, um, artist trick. As long as it looks cool, like people will have to look at it twice to be like, wait a minute. That's all wrong. Wait a minute. His shoulder shouldn't connect there. Uh huh. All right. Um, you should have done what I did, which was just something safe and static. Yeah.
That's what I usually do. It's a fun trick. And then you, and then you always outdo me.
Nah. It's not a competition. Uh, unless someone's keeping, unless someone's keeping score, someone keeping score, there might be. You never know.
If you're keeping score, leave it in the comments. Leave your score in the comments.
Um, yeah. And we just get a lot of like Russia, 15. Um, I want, I want scores like Olympic style, just from like different countries. Yeah. From, yeah.
If you feel like you represent your. This is great. Did you like pull this? It looks like you pull. This is like an existing character that you just drew.
There we go. Um, you know, he's going to rescue his girlfriend at some point. Yeah. He's going to rescue his girlfriend and then she's going to get captured, get captured. That's the thing. If you're, if you're dating a hero, you're going to get captured. You better watch out. That's. It's a bad news. He's just like, oh man, oh no, I should not be dating you. Yeah. I'm going to get kidnapped. So you're, I mean.
Who's that? Like, Hey, who's that?
That Tyrannosaurus with, um, you know, with robot arms, that's always following us around. Oh, him. Oh, that's, that's Guy Racks. That's Guy Racks. Yeah. The Tyrannosaurus with robot arms. Yeah.
He's kind of like, he, I, I slaughtered, I slaughtered his tribe a while ago. My, my father slaughtered his tribe and now he's trying to get revenge on me. He's trying to get revenge on me. There's this whole revenge loop that we're stuck in.
Um, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Anyway, what are you getting us? Uh, yeah.
The beet salad looks good to me. The beet salad. Get that beet salad.
Mm. Uh huh. Hold on.
I have to, I have to go slaughter these, these ninjas. I have to go kill all these robots.
Yeah. Some dust. Yeah. Like, like so.
So we've got cold, cold samurai, goomy, and then what is the ostrich's name? Ostrich's name?
You drew. You should do it.
Oh, he, I believe his name is, um, Brave Ostrich, uh, Guy Roby. Brave Ostrich Guy if you would like.
Mm-hmm. So there we are. That's, that's not as bad as, that's not as bad as I thought it was.
No, here's the trick. This is a little, um, I'll show you a little artist trick before we go. We'll probably touch it up. Yeah, here's a fun little trick. It's called, um, it's called Zoom Out. And then, oh, look how much better it looks.
Oh!
The further away it gets. It's so much better. We should just do all of, end all of our shows just zooming out all the way. It's like, yeah, that's like always the trick when you, I remember like being in art class, you would like paint something and be like, this is terrible. Then you like go farther away and you're like, oh, it's not as bad because of the mortality of humans.
So yeah, let's do it. Let's do our plugs.
So I'm going to, I'm going to, um, Pokemon Rusty is mine. And if you want to see that video, that's called Pokemon Rusty Team Rocket Ride Along. Click on the horns. Because Pokemon Rusty went away for a while, but it's back in a big way. Click on these horns.
Dorkly is crushing it. And then, uh, if you want to see, what is your suggestion for the week? Um, I made a comic, um, well, it, Dan Hopper, one of our, one of our amazing writers here in College Humor wrote a comic and I illustrated it, uh, called, uh, proof, proof that the news has always been stupid.
And, uh, it's about history. It's about history.
There, there's a lovely debate in the comment section about whether or not the big bang took place. There we go. People who are all absolutely qualified to have that debate. That's what I want. That's what you, so, you know, there's a comic, there's a great comment section.
Click, click on, uh, what's my penguin's name?
Uh, Gomi, Gomi, cold samurai. Gomi, click on cold samurai. Gomi.
If, uh, if you, if that appeals to you and, uh, click right on the point of his blade. And as always, yikes, uh, ouch, yikes, it was always a rate and subscribe to College Humor's YouTube channel, because we, we love those, we love those subs. Yeah. Click this miserable piece of shit. If you want to do that, go to subway every day. Cause I can't get enough subs.
All right. Um, sorry, we're going to go think of better jokes. Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bill_clinton_saturday_night_live | And now, here with his perspective on campaign 2000 is President Bill Clinton. Good evening, America. Well, the primaries are underway. looks like it's boiling down to Mccain, Bush, Gore, and Bradley. for reputable men, any one of them would make an honest, scandal-free president. your next leader will show up where he's supposed to show up, say what he's supposed to say, and conduct himself with decorum at all times, thus restoring dignity to the Oval office.
You're going to miss me, aren't you, man? you missed me already. I'm not even gone.
I mean, did you watch the Primaries? Four boring guys in suits spewing out sound bites. That's what you expected from these guys. that's how it used to be.
But I changed all that. I made the Presidency fun. I made the presidency exciting. And when I go away, it's back to boring old politics, as usual.
I mean, look at these guys. Bill Bradley, what's his big scandal? He drank too much cream soda. My fellow Americans do not view this man while operating heavy machinery. Then there's there's Al Gore. Look, I love this guy. you know that. But come on. English is Al Gore's second language. his native tongue is binary code. George W. Bush. here's his scandal.: he was spoiled by his parents, and he partied a little 30 years ago. big deal.
Do you know what I did this morning? I mean, I don't want to spoil it for you, you know, before it leaks out through the press. but it involved a Polaris missile full of heroin and that girl from American Beauty. Yes, it did.
And John Mccain, folks. John Mccain's not scandalous and sexy. he's just crazy, folks. that's an important distinction. Plus, what is his platform? honesty and straight talk?
People, this is no way to live, which is why my fellow Americans, for the remaining months of my presidency, I am rededicating myself to serving and entertaining the American people. I promise you, it is going to be a wild ride. Oh, I'm going to start hanging out with Jay-z. I will bring new meaning to the words, Dear, Penthouse, I never thought it would happen to me, But. here, here, here, watch this. Ok, what is your name, sweetheart? do you want to go to the Caribbean with the President?
Well, all right, then. People, that took four seconds. imagine what I can do with eight more months. it's an exciting time to be alive. Thank you. God bless you. President Clinton, everybody. I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Goodnight. |
SaturdayNightLive | target_lady_boogie_bulks_up_snl | Hey, don't be shy. Hi, welcome to Target. thank you. Ooh, body bronzer. looks like someone's trying to beat the winner blurs. um, the winner What? is this for your pasty skin? uh, no, I just want to look good for a wedding I'm going to.
Oh, this box. Hey, Boogie, how's it hanging? Not too great. One, last night, my remote control helicopter threw through my ponytail and caught off eight inches. And Two, this box is heavy.
Hey, here's a positive spin. you're gaining muscle mass! Oh, I don't know. I-i-i doubt it. pow!
I was really hoping you'd notice. pull your pants up. I can see your forest. Boogie, what the hell are you doing? side's turning me on. put your shirt back on. get that box to baby weight. I'm sorry, Mr. Evenings. sorry, it's four horses. Now, get!
I almost hit a horse once with my smart car. I ended up driving right under it and left a round racing stripe on the hood. I loved it! went away with the rain. hey, where'd Boogie go?
I don't know, but I'm standing here for 30 seconds with a face like this. Well, hi, welcome to Target. let's see, Smucker's Jelly. very hot right now. dog collar. hope you have a dog. wank. wait, what's this? oh, that's a salsa sled. where'd you get this? over by the shovels and snow stuff. wait, where. where you going? what the. where did she go? what the hell are you doing? I'm getting huge. I think that the cashier with the egg voice likes my muscles and I like her thin brown lips. And tonight, I'm gonna go ask her to see tin tin. Oh, that's nice. hot chicken! I found one! I'm gonna paint a huge eyeball on this, put it outside my window, and when I have company, I'll pull the drapes back and tell everyone a giant is watching us!
Can I just pay for this stuff, please? that'll be $38.25. I have a gift card. Yay, gift card! I have an adult dollhouse and sometimes I use these as bath mats. your balance is $12.75. you could still get a bowl of glass pebbles for the back of your toilet. Just give me the card back, you mushroom-haired kook. hey! don't talk to her like that. or you'll have me to deal with in two years once I get a little more bulky.
Okay, Bro-bud? okay! I told you to put your shirt back on. you did.
All right, but I'm watching you. I'm always watching you. hi, um, just these. What are these? Uh, it's a multi-pack of chip clips. wait, where are you going? shh, have you seen a tall guy with a mustache eating a hot dog?
No, but my cashier just left. Lucky, you got to see her from behind. pretty great, right? Nope.
Dibble legs on ice, I found some! I'm gonna take all these and clip myself into bed at night because I have rest of his legs and arms! How much? Five Eleven. yes, that's how tall my vise is! can I just give you my vise? I need an idea with this.
Oh, you look mad in this picture! it's a match! And swiped! approved! Meg! Well, that's the end of my shift, but I got to go to Mr. Evening's house. he asked if I would do some odd jobs for him, and when he said odd, his eyebrows went up and down like this. Well, see you tomorrow, Buggy. thanks for working at Terriga.
Hey, do you want to see Tin Tin tonight? I can't. I have a funeral for my fish. he was an anchovy named pizza. ironic! you should come! I'd love to.
All right, wear black and prepare to get wet. Uh, should I bring anything? No, I have everything I need from Terriga! I have candles, flashing lights, tissues for tears, Chipmills. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_love_ahs_with_barbara_and_dave_snl | Excuse me? excuse me? What? what? yes? we were wondering, is this your first time at the Welshly Arms Hotel? Uh, yeah. And, and are you here without a lover? I am by myself. I'm just, I'm just staying here in business. we frequent the Welshly Arms. Yes. we find it a perfect, quick lover's getaway. Yes. Oh, oh, forgive me. we are Professors Roger and Virginia Clavin. And your name? Uh, Dave. Ah. Dave, may I share something with you? I guess. I'm really just trying to, uh. I find when one first enters the scalding waters of the hot tub, it is not unlike your first encounter with a new lover. Mmm. I remember the first time Roger and I made lives. Yes. yes.
We had pulled over after a long Sunday drive. Roger led me to a clearing, laid me down upon a bed of fresh meadow grasses. then rubbed my nubile body with fruit, liniments and noxema. Then he awfully covered my back with melted butter and cloves. And until the flies and ants came, he thinks it was the finest love making in the world he'd ever known.
Yes. are you listening, Dave? yeah, I'm just, I'm just tired, that's all. Ah. is that the professors Virginia and Roger Clavin? Oh, what a surprise! it's our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez! Yes. Barbara, what brings you to the prestigious Wergeneer Arms? the usual quiet strolls, family-style dining, archery. Well, please join us in the hot tub. Thank you, Roger. it's very refreshing. simply as divine. Barbara, dare I ask, are you no longer with your lover, Mitchell?
Well, as you know, Mitchell was the most skillful and creative lover. Oh, yes. however, his love for me was exceeded by his love for sweet wine and dog racing. So now I can turn my attention fully to my first love, archery. Dave, Dave, Dave, David, David. right. our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez, is the top female archer in the Northeast Division. that's unbelievable. um, does anyone care for spiced lamb shakes?
What?
Well, at this point during the soak, my lover and I usually crave spiced meat. always order them up special from the Welsh people. inch it. and keep them here in this igloo cooler. The Welshly Arms is renowned for its shakes. yeah, wonderful shakes. I'm good, I'm good. you're missing out on some good shakes. we should mention that although the waters above appear calm, below the surface there is a frenzy of activity. hands groping, fingers fluttering, thighs twitching in the anticipation of lovemaking that will take place in this hot tub in less than 12 minutes. I'm getting kind of pruney. I'm out. wait, wait, wait.
Barbara, you are sans lover. Dave, you a weary business traveler. Perhaps Cupid's aim is as sharp as that of Barbara Hernandez's. perhaps.
I don't know. I think I just. David, don't be alarmed by the professor's cloth. And I remember myself when I first met Rog and Virge at the University. we had taken a camping trip to the Grand Canyon. Yes. after a supper of jackrabbit haunches, we laid out beneath the stars. somewhere in the distance, we heard the pounding of native drums. was it in our mind? We don't know.
Tonight, the Great Eagle Spirit himself appeared at our tent and beckoned us to make a love. we submitted to us ravenous desires. as the three of us became one with the Great Eagle Spirit. Turns out, the Great Eagle Spirit. the Great Eagle spirit was actually a fugitive trucker by the name of Rich Crenshaw. maybe I'm just road weary, but that's a pretty beautiful story. Lover, would you care to see my bed adorned with hibiscus petals and my photo of me and Gina Davis? Gina Davis? that sounds nice. that's where it is.
Goodbye, David. Goodbye, Lovers.
Nothing pleases me more than seeing two new lovers take off for the night mist. Yes, lover, I think there's only one reward for the job we've done. let the screens of our lovemaking reverberate off the roof of the Welshly Arms. Oh, Lover. and into the night sky.
Oh, lover. ow, ow, my back. What? my back. is it your back? What? I thought the water might help. well, it doesn't help. get the hell off me! |
cracked | famous_movies_that_must_have_been_pitched_by_crazy_people_writer_s_room | There's all these great, great beloved movies, but there's some that when you describe them in like bare-bones terms, it's like crazy that they got through the filter. Like someone had to go into a studio and go, all right, I want John McClain in space fighting monsters and there's a giant fiery asteroid and there's a super race of aliens that did a series of clues and there's a perfect being. And then to save the universe, love you guys, you have to find out that love is important.
Right. That's true. Right? That's true.
That's the fifth element of love. That's so terrible. They've got all these guns, they've got all these cool spaceships and it's the future and it could be anything they want and they're like, well, you know what really saved the day and was inside you the whole time it was love. Technology wise, were they just supposed to kiss? What are they... Like love is... Well, what happened is she wasn't going to save the human race until she learned what love was. She needed to like... Why is... They want this love. But love turns out to be having sex in a plastic tube while military people watch. It's like Indiana Jones finding a treasure and then it turns out the treasure was like the memories that he made of his friends while he was searching for it.
What about a movie where a woman gets knocked up by this asshole and falls in love with a taxi driver played by John Travolta and then has a baby who can talk voiced by Brugal Willis? Phenomena? What movie is this? Phenomena. Look, who's talking?
It's a movie where the baby runs away from its parents, gets in a car and like tries to drive a car around and they didn't lead with that. They were like, this is a movie about a baby that can talk even though the baby's not actually talking or interacting with anyone other than babies and ignoring the fact that the baby can also drive a car, which is actually exciting. It's a non-baby thing to do.
Just to clarify, it doesn't have to be Bruce Willis. It's not going to be made because Bruce Willis was the baby, look who's talking one. Look who's talking now, had dogs that talked. Bruce Willis is the voice for Spike in the Rugrats, Wild Thornberry's crossover cartoon. I remember that. I don't. Something, there's dogs and there's voices and there's babies and there's Bruce Willis, it's everywhere. So if you want to have a really ridiculous sounding movie pitch, you have to include Bruce Willis in some capacity.
I think so. The more you think about Fifth Element though, I love that as a buddy cop movie, that they've partnered your John McClain, like your perfect average right guy in the wrong place at the wrong time with The Chosen One. They've never done that before, they've never done like here's the best and here's the average and the way to solve crimes together is they have sex with each other in front of the president. Come on guys. Okay, that sounds like a real movie pitch. We should like grab coffee and hash that out. Sure. That's an amazing pitch. But it has already been done. You don't need to be involved in the project, so you're really thin ice. We did it guys.
I got published, Soren Radica, right there on your bookshelf at your local grocery store and airport. Obsession untamed. Look for it. That's me.
Photoshop the body to make me look a little less strong. Couldn't fit the entire thing on the cover. |
cracked | if_moms_gave_dvd_commentary_batman_v_superman_man_of_steel | Hi, I'm Martha Kent, Clark's mom. And I'm Martha Wayne, Bruce's mother. And we're going to watch Batman vs. Superman Dawn of Justice, a movie starring our sons based on some of their superhero adventures, so let's dive right in. Oh, I'm excited.
Clark never tells me about anything he does. Neither does Bruce, but honestly, I get too nervous hearing about all of it.
There was a time above. Oh, that's him! That's my Brucey talking! Oh. Perfect. That little, oh, I'm going to kill him.
Why? Martha, what's happening?
They're showing my funeral and how I died. I told them no one wants to see this, and I don't want to deal with it over and over.
Oh, I didn't realize you passed. You know, I couldn't even tell you were a ghost. Oh, you're sweet. How is Bruce taking all of it? You know, I'm not great.
Oh! There he is. Look at that face. I can't stay mad at that face. Where's yours? He's probably up in the sky causing all of that commotion. You know, he's always getting into something when he was a kid. Get this.
Dug up holes all around my hydrangeas trying to collect worms. I told him no flying for a week.
Next thing you know. Is it a bird in the sky? Nope. Is it a plane? Nope. It's the little rascal trying to stop a meteor.
These boys. What can you do with them? I'm just thankful mine doesn't have any superpowers.
Oh! There he is. That's Clark. Oh, I hate it when he does that. No helmet or anything? Huh.
I tell him to be careful, but what can I do? You know, he won't listen to me.
You know, there's a whole part of our company just making super suits for Bruce. I'll get you in touch with Lucius. Thank you so much.
Those are his good genes. He's going to ruin them. Don't hide like that, Bruce. They're going to think you're the bad guy.
Brucie! Oh! Oh look, they're finally meeting. Oh yay! I've been waiting for this part.
What's your position in the bat vigilante in Gotham? I am so sorry for his manners. I can't say I'm pleased with how mine is presenting himself either. That's not how he was raised, you know, but it's these kids and their powers, you know, they think just because they can fly around saving people that they can treat anyone however they want. You're telling me. Try to tell Mr. Bat Playboy what he can and cannot do. I am through the roof with him. When he was a kid, I would ground him. I'd tell him no flying for a week, but now he's all grown up and you know, what am I going to do? Wait a minute. Who's that? I want them away from him. I don't like that creep.
I have a sense for these things. Mother sense.
I bet this is Clark's fault. He always attracts the worst company. Brucie too. That's why I had him hang out with the butler so much. Punch him in the mouth, boo-boo! Oh, here we go again with these two.
Why are they even fighting? I don't get what's happening. So mine doesn't like the fact that yours is an alien and yours doesn't like the fact that mine is just like a bat.
I think. Honestly, I can never keep up with these things. I'm the same way. There's just too much going on. That's why I like to stick to happy movies. I know. I try to tell Bruce that all the time.
You're a superhero. You should try to make people happy. But of course, everything has to be all dark and brooding with him. He wouldn't be getting all those looks if he wore the nice suit that I got him.
Oh, I can't watch. It's too embarrassing. Oh my god, Martha. Did that actually happen to you? Are you kidding me?
Just about every other week. I mean, I'm used to it.
It's like no one that's after him can get a word in with him unless they kidnap me.
Well, at least they got Diane Lane to play you. Have you seen Under the Tuscan Sun? Seen it? Why do you think I asked them to have her play me?
These two are going to kill each other. Don't get distracted, Clark. Get the creep who kidnapped me. Martha, he can't hear you. Oh yes, he can. He has super hearing. Clark, you listen to me. You're letting him kill Martha.
Oh, that's us. That's us. That's so sweet. We're why they stopped fighting. Aww. Those boys.
They're getting me all choked up. I'm crying like a baby.
I don't need to watch anymore, do you? Oh, the good guys win, the bad guy loses, to be continued. I know how it goes. I'll just nod and tell him he loved it when he asks. Oh good. I was hoping you would say that. Let's watch something else. Hey. Hey you. How do you get Under the Tuscan Sun to play on this? Oh yes, please.
Hey everybody, thanks for watching that video. Click the scene in the middle of your screen to subscribe to our channel. Subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon for notifications. You know the drill. It's YouTube. If you don't like YouTube, check us out on Amazon Prime. All of our videos are there now and they're amazing and they look great and you should watch them there. |
TheOnion | Usain_Bolt_Sprints_To_Gold_In_Front_Of_Virulent_Racist_Queen_Elizabeth_II | Get out of my face, I'm Kenny Kennedy and sitting beside me here is the very cruel Doc Brooks who's made me sad by not being here. I hate you, Doc. I don't get it, Kenny. If you hate me, why do you want me here? Don't make me explain feelings to you, Doc. You're better than me at dealing with them and it makes me feel inferior.
Ha! You just said a feeling. I love you, Doc.
Now bring your face in toward mine. It's time for the face crash.
Alright, first up, British authorities are cracking down on the underground world of night olympics. Olympians shouldn't compete in unsanctioned, pitch dark environments. Ryan Lochte crashed blindly into a pool wall last night and no one can tell if he had a concussion because he always talks like that. Athletes know the purest Russian sports comes in the terror of night's black void when competition is only touch, scent and sound.
I'm an eyeball man. If I can't see an event, it didn't happen.
The distance between the sound of a rattling chain and the screaming of a cat will never be official. Cats die, no one cries.
Back in daylympics, London weather forced shot putters to wear long sleeves, depriving forearm fans of a prime chance to ogle their wrist ham. Forefans deserve better. We appreciate that hambone as a living heirloom from the times of mountain man. Don't pull a tear string yet. Us nekophiles were plenty pleased with this year's shot put. No turtlenecks like an 88.
Sophisticate your muscle palate. Head stems are only good for sneeze support. You need four on when you're rolling out a hot pizza back into dough shape. That's not how you eat a pizza, Doc. Maybe with your wrist, real men ring out the sauce and the cheese into a bowl, dip that dough and chew. Phew on this, Doc.
Over in London's Run Arena, Usain Bolt achieved an historic triumph, sprinting to gold in front of probable, virulent, racist Queen Elizabeth II. It's one thing to re-establish yourself as the fastest man in the world. It's another to show up a royal who's presumably one of the modern era's great bigots. Bolt rebuffed a privileged monarch whose contempt for the formerly colonized Jamaicans is likely even worse than her all but certain hatred of Irish, Scots, and low-born England.
She'll stay certain. Her ways, her father King George VI probably taught her some very racist lessons that she never forgot. She's not an elephant, Doc. All right, let's end the face crash before we forget.
Marty, show us the medal count. Oh, God damn it, Marty, how can Doc be winning? Gold is still gold, Kenny. Even if the medals you gave me were for abandonment sloth and pen stealing, plus Marty docks you with gold every time you threaten to kill him. Only I giveth and taketh away. I am going to kill you, Marty.
One last finish. God damn it. One last. You did it. One last finish.
Run, Marty. Run like your life is depending on it.
An elephant, Doc. All right, let's end the face crash before we forget. Marty, show us the medal count. Oh, God damn it, Marty, how can Doc be winning? Gold is still gold, Kenny. Even if the medals you gave me were for abandonment sloth and pen stealing, plus Marty docks you with gold every time you threaten to kill him. Only I giveth and taketh away. I am going to kill you, Marty.
One last finish. God damn it. One last. You did it. One last finish.
Run, Marty. Run like your life is depending on it. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_a_boomer_cto_in_2023 | Hey, I do have AWS, can you ask me if you have AWS? Oh yes, please, please. Can you ask me if you have AWS? Please. Can you ask me if you have AWS? Let me ask you. Have you used AWS?
You need whole team to set this up. No, you can't just use Heroku. If you want to have scalable projects, you're going to want to think about Kubernetes, Cassandra, Kafka, Spark.
I have 35.5 years in the industry. Experience. I have done everything.
Huge mobile apps. Huge local only web platforms.
Data integration. Data processing. Data knowledge. Big data integration systems.
Holistic.
Load testing for data centers. Data center testing for load centers.
Everything from Raspberry Pi to IBM Watson. From pacemaker firmware to NFT scam.
I have used all used databases. And the Neo4j. Last year, I did huge data migration project.
And you know what it cost? You know what it cost? 180,000 AWS credits. That's why we get paid the big dollars.
Of course, it was never launched to the real world. Only corporate internal project.
Let me give you a metaphor. Facebook. Hear me out.
You need whole deployment team. DevOps team. You need DevOps guy available on call 24-7.
Another guy for the rest. And the third guy because you can't trust the second guy.
Listen. JavaScript. You want to use something like Java. You want to use something that's really statically typed. File safe. Like Java.
Not like Rust. Rust is Playmobil right now.
No integration. No adaptation.
You need testing in place. I am talking about white box testing. Black box testing. Code box testing. Non-functional testing. Endurance testing. Spike testing. Availability testing. Stress testing. Test. Test testing.
UI does not matter at this stage. You got to think about processes. You got to have processes in place. You want to first get your requirements correct. You need requirements manager. Requirements managing process.
You need whole team just for requirements, acquirements. And you need whole team to control that team. Another team to control that control team. You need whole team for deployment pipeline. Another team for integration pipeline.
You need testing systems in place. V model. Code implementation comes at the very end. Usually done by one person. Agile. Agile is no good here. You want something that's stable. You need processes in place. I will tell you what you do with agile. You look at your code.
You look at the trash bin. You throw in the trash bin.
Microservices and then your code looks like Twitter. If you don't plan to sell your company. You don't use children's magic like microservices.
What is this? Processes. Verification. Validation. V model.
Business requirements. Systems requirements. High level. Low level. High level design. Coding.
Unit testing. Functional testing. Integration testing. Scalability testing. System testing. Acceptance testing.
Yeah, but it works is not non-functional requirement. You need maintainability. Reliability. Scalability. Localization. User acceptance. Usability. Compatibility. Performance. Scalability. Acceptability. Reliability. Maintainability. Portability. Quality. Safety.
Mamma mia. What is documentation? Validation. You need verification. If you don't do that, you know what you do? You're doing code trashification. What can I do? Everybody uses file size systems.
Amazon. S3. Uber. S3. Netflix. S3.
No, you can't just use that. You know what you're going to do? You're going to take S3.
Docker. Kubernetes.
You need whole team to set this up. And we did not even get to talk about databases. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Load testing. Spike testing.
UI comes after concept stage. I know I'm making all of this sound very simple, but you shouldn't be there to fix that. You should be doing all of this in concept stage.
Lean startup.
And then your code looks like Twitter. Am I being too elaborate?
What you got to do is take processes. Processes.
V-model. Data integration. Pipeline.
Requirements.
I know I'm making this all sound very simple, but you shouldn't be there to fix that. No problem. Bye-bye. |
dropout | the_best_demon_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan guys We got a special It's a special show for you today Christmas is coming up. That's a very holy time. It sure is so we're gonna draw What demon you should worship as suggested by our friend devil?
Yeah, devil. Yeah over on the YouTube channel that we run youtube.com backslash Drawfee, so I'm just gonna get right in there You starting off with them horns you got to get some horns I mean that any demon worth worth his salt Yeah Is gonna have well at least two horns a demon is worth very little in salt because like as you know like to stop a demon you Just you just like make a ring of salt salt is actually a weird holy thing that you can use to stop demons with see I Didn't know that yeah I mean have you never seen like I feel like in like every horror movie or something involving like demons and exorcism That put salt on like the door sill mm-hmm to stop the demon from approaching. You're sure you're not thinking of slugs Slugs are actually just demon larkers. I've I've definitely uh-huh put put some salt on a slug. Yeah, watch that ride around Mm-hmm. Well, that's they work on I mean like slugs are just like what they are as our demon spawn Yeah, they're like I think oh, you know what they are I figured it out Okay, I was wrong before slugs are demon poop. That's what happens when the demon so even excretes its poop is Somewhat it continues to live on yes, and just sort of crawl around the garden. Yeah.
Yeah garden veg Munch is on lettuce munch is Munch is you're just going all out on these horns. I'm a I'm a bit of a horn. I'm a bit of a horn man Oh, you're you're a I'm a horn dog. You're a horn dawgle ain't nothing but a horned dog Fucking all the time That's you That's the original version of that famous Elvis Presley Jam We're nothing but a horned dog just fucking all the time it was ahead of its time.
It would have done great It would have been like a Kesha song But they in the original version.
It's a never fucked a rabbit, but hey might I Know those guys I mean rabbits rabbits are all about fucking it's true though I remember biology class in high school and my teacher said that Rabbits all about fucking anyway. I'm fired It's been good you how about we watch a movie it was how he yeah toss on Gattaca He had found out he'd been fired, but yeah, I'm how wasn't made to leave school premises, right? So He taught one last class. Yeah, and Actually call learn Most most of everything I know in that class Well, these these are just a lot of horns.
It's a nice-looking horn. Thank you They're nice and pointy and shiny.
Mm-hmm. But so let's let's talk about what we know about demons What do we know about they are the minions of Lucifer, right?
They're they're The most beautiful angel He was okay. So beautiful that God himself was like damn He was like hey get out of here.
You got it. I can't look at you. You're so hot You're too high go to a different place. You see get to get the hell out literally and So he cast him out loose. Hey, you've got some Banished to hailing to do that's exactly what it said. That was a good that was a that was my Desi Arnett I was a choice Desi bit Yeah, got a little dizzy from that from that Desi from that Desi You need a designated driver, oh Let's stop. Okay.
So so what I'm gonna do here like a long face Yeah, well, it's I want I figured, you know, the most evil thing that I can think of sure is is an actual minion So like a minion of say what do you mean an actual like I mean like from the movie despicable me Because they those are the actual minions. Yeah, I guess those are they they have taken They've taken over this I got minion fever man there, but they're like they're so cute. They're not they're like adorable and they go Yeah, they're cute in a very like Manufactured way. It's like if a bunch of I mean it's like if a bunch of scientists like got got together and they looked at some Metrics and we're like, this is this is cute. This is what this is what America will decide is cute.
Yeah So, I don't it's it's like calculate it doesn't despicable being like a French French movie. I don't think I'm French. Yeah, I mean like I can imagine there being a French film called Despicable me But I think it might have been a very different film. It involved incest. Yes Cousins cousins doing it it Despicable me beautiful cousin Despicable me beautiful cousin No, it's a common there I think okay, but anyway, let me I I just say you so you you're not a fan of the despair Yeah, I like the original Despicable me I thought that was a fun film you excited for the for the just minions movie just me I'm I'm not rich shows their their history how they came to The origins have a dramatic years thing.
Anytime Anytime I see anything in a movie. I want to know the origin Gotta know not even just the origin. I want to know I want to know the proto origins of that I want to know what their dad was up to that's I love Gotham really excited for that new Krypton announcement Caprico is my hot jam So I don't I don't want to know I don't want any that in medias race shit. I don't want like an interesting story I want the beginning start from the beginning Hollywood Jesus if they could just make a movie version of a textbook Yeah, that'd be great. That would be a Foundations of calculus origins.
That's what I want. I just love to sharper teeth. Okay, sure I mean like yeah, yes, he's still so cute. That is true All those horns of tea. Oh man. Well, I guess the must I don't know how the mustache would work That's another thing about demons.
They all have like they all have pencil thin months. They've got those Walt Disney's dashes.
They Yeah, do you want to do you want to yeah Add some deets. I'll add some deets. Go ahead. I'll give it.
Okay, so I think another another fun thing to draw from for for demons is um is sort of a Love Lovecraftian sort of old eldritch. Yeah. Yeah, and An old one and a cosmic entity. Yeah an old god from another dimension Yeah, so I think if we just actually the creators are despicable me like saw this in a vision They saw and then like all the only thing that they grasped upon was the the minion face But they didn't realize that it was it was that face was signaling our impending doom. Oh, she's got tentacle arms Yeah, because I mean those are weird those and and I I know how to draw that this is actually what happens in Despicable me five minions three at the end of the the minion trilogy Despicable me five minions three Madagascar penguins It's the crossover. That's like that's what they're setting up. It's like this, you know, it's the Groon averse Complete the complete Groon averse complete the cinematic Groon averse It's me which I think we should probably get get some some Madagascar penguins Oh sure in in there just like sort of coming coming out of the tentacles I do like the Madagascar payment.
I mean what's what's not to like there's a great. That's a great B plot I don't know how they're gonna fare how they're fairing at the box office in their own movie. But hey, God bless them God bless those silly their legs and their missions they go on missions They like they they all talk kind of like that brand again, which is fun. It is it is a very interesting premise for For a movie which is like hey all of our characters look the exact same have fun children Yeah, I mean that was the Hobbit. That's the Hobbit. Why do we have so many movies where every character is just like Alright, here's the pitch. It's um It's Martin Freeman hanging out with 12 bearded tiny men. Yeah, okay great make three of them make three of them Please and put Ian McKellen in there for good measure. Put Evangeline Lilly in there because you know what she been doing since lost You know, I don't know I'm gonna have I didn't know what she was doing during lost So this is like all news to me Evangeline Lilly is gonna be on this. Good.
Good technical Wait, who does she play in in the Hobbit films? She plays a character that they made up in the bill biology. That's not uh, not from the books She just plays lady lady. Yeah, oh Legolas is Like Legolas his girlfriend Legolas his beard. No, no, it's not She's she's gonna fall in love with one of the dwarves that looks less like a dwarf and we're just like a little tiny man Yeah, and she's just like That's that's the other thing that meant that is mentioned and Jared Tolkien Silmarillion is the the existence of hot tiny dwarf men Yeah, some do what most doors have beards, but some of them are just like tiny hot men that they're a genetic anomaly. They occur Once every thousand years and Sauron hates them above all.
Yeah, that is why the specific reason he has risen Yeah, like some of them just look like a little blobs Yeah, and some of them just look like like guys. I can't help just just actual guys.
You're really like I Mean, I was trying to this is a way cuter demon then I figured it would be you know Well, we're trying to make it appealing. You know, there's a demon you should worship not just like a scariest They weren't asking for like the best demon. Yeah. Oh, so I think just the one you should worship I think I get it now. This is the demon this demon basically controls all of All of Hollywood, yeah, this is that's what this is what Hollywood is we're representing the film industry in in one You know contained form.
These are all of the best the best things. I would say arguably Got some in arguably even some little bat wings. Oh, I like that Gotta have gotta have those we get like one or two more tentacles in there By request, I'm just gonna put them like all down here. Yeah, sure like it's kind of like a little Little little like a weird tentacle, but Just hangin You know those are those bottom tentacles those there's private Those are those are his like no-no zone tentacles.
Yeah, exactly. It's like you don't those those sort of those develop in a Demon puberty, that's true, which is actually not as bad as human puberty. It's actually really cool and fun Yeah, because demons like like being shitty all the time. It's true.
Where is And they're and and from their their acne boil their acne boils up and it Ruptures with the magma that will you know drowned a thousand centers. Let's give let's give them some of that some somewhat It's an acne boil some acne boils some big whiteheads and blackheads. They're just like oh, wow Whatever what I wouldn't give to pop that but that's the thing I Won't ever get to you won't ever get you pray you pray for the right It's true you worship.
Uh-huh at the at the shrine of the what's this the minion demon? We haven't given this this demon a name yet What are the minions they have names right um names I got like normal people names I think this guy is let's let's give it a I gotta I'm gonna I'm gonna write his name out right now. Okay. We gotta go at the Hollywood theme. Okay I'm gonna give him a boxing glove though. Okay, great for put for just for good measure for punching nerds For punch for smiting nerds, yeah This is the name of the demon just hell hell would There it is. Hell would hell would it's like a good look exactly like Dagwood. Yeah, but also a demon Well, there is about before your new God, I think you should probably worship him. I'm gonna start As soon as I go home, I'm just gonna rent all the movies on yeah on Google play what you have to do is you have To get all three of the current, you know of the Grundiverse films that have been released place them in a in a pentagram and flagellate yourself For hours on it while they play simultaneously Have fun.
This has been Drawfee Thanks for watching. Thanks so much and please subscribe to our channel youtube.com backslash Drawfee and Sorry leave suggestions. We need suggestions of things to draw. That's true But we're still sorry Hey, I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. Thank you guys for watching our video If you want to subscribe to the Drawfee channel, please click here And if you want to watch more videos on this channel, you can click right here And if you want to stop this whole miserable charade, just click that little X in the corner. Thanks for watching. We're sorry |
dropout | streeter_theeter_overgrown_guy_girlfriend_5 | It's the overgrown guy girlfriend.
Oh look a whale so funny. It's like the funniest story that I know you know It's just ridiculous. So funny. I just can't even describe oh My god, Sarah you are so funny. Isn't she funny. I wish I was funny You know like some girls are funny, and some girls are pretty or whatever like actually. I'm funny, too. I'm funny, right?
How come you can't find a guy don't you have any single friends or anything like any of your fat friends? Mm-hmm Bye Hey, oh Flowers, oh my god. Yeah, they're all white Yeah, why white means friendship?
No, yeah, and they're huge. Look how big they are. They're too big. I want a little one But you're huge.
You're a huge part of me. So okay good. Hey there almost done with that. Holy Lord Did you see that look at that? Trans fat. I know I thought that was a legal. Oh my god move.
I just found the funniest video Look at him. He's so fat Look it what a fat little guy. He thinks he's in Star Trek Whatever he's fat look at him.
Oh my god. I can't believe no one knows about this Really really popular.
Okay, mom. Okay. Bye. I love you too. Bye.
Ah Hey there, were you listening to that? We're what were you forgetting to tell your mom we're back together? Yeah, I guess I totally I totally forgot weird because I totally forgot to blow you for the next month. Okay. Hey, I work here Hey, what are you doing? What the fuck you booked two tickets to Greece in August We're just gonna leave me here and go some Italians.
No, that was for your birthday. Okay, it was a surprise so Grease for my birthday.
That's where I really want to go. Why don't we just go to my aunt's motel in Wildwood?
She has a putt putt.
I Have to pee come talk to me while I pee How are we ever gonna get married if you can't accept the fact that I'm a human goddamn being Who said anything about us getting married? We're not gonna get married Well, you can wear condoms from now on then Hey, I really want to be on Twitter, can you get me on it? Yeah, it's easy. Okay, you sign me up for it.
Okay You might want to leave cuz I might be a little longer. Okay, I'm leaving you were really about to leave I'm kidding. Oh my god. Oh my I'm kidding. Hey |
TheOnion | Chimpanzees_Dumber_Than_All_Humans_Horrifying_Planet_Ep_2 | Chimpanzees. Humankind's closest living relative, and one of the most intelligent animals on the planet. Just how smart are these apes? Consider this, even the most intelligent of the species is far less intelligent than the dumbest human. The chimpanzee spends most of its day in the jungle carelessly swinging from tree to tree and picking mites off itself, instead of building shelter and teaching itself how to read. This chimp is named Bolo, and researchers at Duke University have shown that he can solve three-dimensional logic puzzles. An impressive feat indeed, until you learn that human children as young as three are also able to solve the puzzle.
This chimp is 45 years old, yet he has never once uttered a single word. Even a mentally handicapped human is capable of verbal speech, something no chimpanzee has ever been able to accomplish, despite working vocal cords capable of howling in irritation after soiling itself.
It is true that chimps have been observed using tools, but their tools are little more than sticks. This hammer is an infinitely better tool than a stick and it is not even that good relative to other human tools. Even driving and preparing pancakes, tasks we leave to the stupidest, least educated humans, lay beyond the capabilities of the chimp.
Chimpanzee habitats are being destroyed and the species is on the brink of extinction. Indeed, not only are humans capable of wiping out chimps with inventions like bulldozers and dynamite, they have even developed a system of ethics that justifies it. The chimp can only hope humanity takes pity on him. Once humanity sets aside the soft bigotry of low expectations, it seems obvious the pathetic chimp's time has come, further proof that no sane god would have created this horrifying land.
Boom! Sibian in the house! All I'm thinking about right now is an Alex sandwich with Camilla and Danny Vollmer as the bread. |
cracked | 6_bizarrely_specific_scenes_hollywood_won_t_quit_using_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello, Internet. My name is Daniel O'Brien, author, brother, and weekend lover, and welcome to Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show that dissects and breaks down famous movies, music, and TV shows and makes you think about them in a different way.
That was an uncharacteristically dry and accurate description of the show. Didn't like it.
This month's death-defying and groundbreaking episode explores...
Ah, there we go. Lots of movies. We're back to being vague and s**ty.
That's the show that I love. Movies are great. Do you agree? Good. Then you'll like this episode more than most.
Movies are also hard. There's a lot that needs to be communicated, and you don't have a ton of time to do it in any given movie. As a result, a lot of filmmakers have resorted to using and reusing popular movies shorthand to quickly get a point across, and even though I totally understand why they do it, I'm sick of it, and I want them to stop. There are certain incredibly specific scenes that advance the plot that keep getting recycled, and here are some of them.
Here's a clip from Crashing, a new HBO show by Pete Holmes, a comedian I like a lot. In this scene, Pete's character comes home early and walks in on his surprised wife, Lauren Lapkas, a comedian I love. Oh my god, Peter.
Sweetest. I thought you weren't going to be writing jokes at the library.
What are you doing? What? Who is this? Oh s**t.
His wife was cheating on him with a naked hairy guy. Here's a clip from 2003's Old School. In this scene, Luke Wilson comes home from a work trip early and walks in on his surprised wife, Juliette Lewis.
Mitch! What are you doing home? Hello? AHHH!
His wife was cheating on him with several blindfolded people. Here's a clip from 2006's Lucky Number Slevin, where Josh Hartnett comes home early and walks in on his surprised girlfriend cheating on him.
They don't stop on my account.
S**t. It was an accident. What, like he tripped and you fell?
We later learn that he made up that story, but for the purposes of my point, that isn't important. Here's a clip from 2003's Love Actually, where in a slight twist on the format, Colin Firth walks into a house and talks to his brother. Hurry up, big boy. I'm naked and I want you at least twice before Jamie gets home. The twist is his brother has been sleeping with Colin's wife, which we know because she's screaming in the background about cheating on him, which is a normal thing for a person to do, especially when they're doing something secret and immoral, and especially when they maybe just heard the front door open. You get the point.
I could keep going on the walking in on a spouse subject. I could go on.
Here's a clip from 2014's This Is Where I Leave You. In this scene, Jason Bateman's character comes home early to find out his wife has been cheating on him with his boss. Oh my god! And so the f**k on and so the f**k forth.
Listen, I'm not calling this action unrealistic. I'm not here to say that people don't get cheated on. And I'm also not even using this platform to talk about how weird it is that movies by a wide margin depict wives cheating on husbands as the inciting incidents, even though most modern studies confirm that in the majority of infidelity-caused divorces, the husband was the offender. I'm not here to talk about how there's a comparatively irresponsible dearth of movies featuring women walking in on their cheating husbands.
Though, if this show took itself a little bit more seriously, it would be about that because that's a weird and damaging thing that movies do. So please do further research on your own on the subject of Hollywood inventing and then perpetuating tropes and stereotypes designed to reinforce this idea that men are either exclusively rescuers or victims of women. Instead, this dumb show is about how we should retire this trope because it's... because we're bored by it, or because I am at least bored by it. Here's why movies and TV shows do this move.
It's an exciting, inciting incident. It's an efficient way to show that our main character's previous beliefs and assumptions are thrown into chaos, and now he, or he, needs to find some new way to move forward. Everything you thought you knew is out the window, so it's time to go off and write that novel or figure some shit out or start that fraternity. Fine. Good movie. Abandoning what you knew before and moving forward into uncharted territory is a great and rich plot.
I'm not arguing that. I'm just saying, can't we change the inciting incident?
Walking in on your wife cheating on you isn't the only thing that can inspire a person to quit their job or change their life or turn to the next chapter. A friend died while saying, I was always secretly in love with you, or he discovered that your mom had this totally separate family she was raising on the side, or he realized that your dad is just like an enchanted mannequin or a stack of beagles in a kimono, or you found out that your company secretly supported Nazis, so now you need to quit and do something else. These are all hit reasons for a change of life, but movies, for whatever reason, have decided, if I want a movie where a man abandons his old life and finds himself, it needs to open with him literally walking in on his wife, cheating on him, extra points, if it's with someone he knows, quadruple points, if it's with a shitty boss or someone else, aggressively awful. Whatever we can do to dehumanize the wife and make the decision to move on and start over as neatly tied up as possible, we're movies. Notice that these movies are never an examination on why the affair happened in the first place or an attempt to move forward together and work to preserve the marriage. It's always, wow, she cheated on me with two clowns. Time to move in with my buddies and find out who I really am because apparently the guy who fell in love with the girl wasn't me. He was this totally other loser boy that needed an empty cheating wife to really push him the extra mile of self-actualization. Notice that, please, about movies.
Here's a clip from Netflix's Luke Cage where the terrifying Cottonmouth has Pops give him a nice close shave. Cottonmouth has a history with Pops, but now he mostly openly runs the neighborhood crime syndicate and is accepted as a cruel and dangerous bad guy. He's directly responsible for the corruption of children. Pops hates that, and here he is shaving him gently.
Anyway, here's a clip from Game of Thrones. I know he was like a brother to you, but my father put a knife to his heart. The sadistic Ramsay Snow spent over a season insulting, torturing, brainwashing, and castrating Theon Greyjoy.
The once proud heir to the Iron Islands is now a neutered house pet. You could tell because of the careful shaving he does. Like a pet, I guess? Like the way a pet would shave someone?
Anyway, here's a recent clip from HBO's Westworld. Almost there, aren't we? The center of the maze.
That's Ed Harris's man-in-black character, briefly interrupting his weeks-long quest to find meaning in his life to have Evan Rachel Wood's Dolores shave him with a big f*** off knife because it seemed like a good time to demonstrate dominance over a robot that you literally own. Establishing dominance is at the heart of this move, by the way. The make some underling shave me move. I know why this scene exists. I understand its function. A person in power wants to establish his dominance by having a person below him shave him. There's no cleaner way to show that you're a fearless boss than by enjoying a clean shave by someone who hates you. The person can kill you at any time, and they have reason to, but they won't, and that's real power. The first screener to come up with that idea is a genius, and everyone else is fart noise. You want to show that your mob boss or your Ramsey is confident and untouchable?
Fine, you can do that, but do it in a new way because we've seen this already. Also, this is tangential, but there's another shaving-related scene that shows up in a lot of movies that I briefly wanted to touch on. In Skyfall and Phenomenon, two hits, and a bunch of other movies, not hits, a woman uses a blade to shave a man's face, and it's meant to be intimate and sexual. And like, whatever you're into, that's fine. The official directive was to help in any way I can. But this is a weird thing that Hollywood is trying to normalize. A woman sensually shaving a man's face is a strange move to me. I wouldn't want my girlfriend to shave my face to establish how close we are, because I'm much better and faster at shaving me. I know that. Face shaving does not equal intimacy, but Hollywood keeps pushing this idea, and it's so effective that when Skyfall came out featuring the scene where Moneypenny shaves Bond, it had an actual, positive, tangible impact on the sale of razors.
That's, like, stupid. You know what? Just try to stay away from shaving scenes in general. Hollywood, you don't know what you're talking about.
In Wedding Crashers, we want Owen Wilson to end up with Rachel McAdams because this movie is about Owen Wilson. But she already has a fiance, so here's a clip of her fiance openly talking about cheating on her. We got Heidi a couple of those f***ing sluts from the environmental group.
You remember them? No way! Did you tap that again? Once in my place, then once back in the cab. Damn! Sluts!
In The Wedding Singer, we want Adam Sandler to end up with Drew Barrymore because we like them and they were on all the posters together, but she already has a fiance. So here's a clip of her fiance openly talking about cheating on her.
Speak for yourself. I'm not too old. I can still get chicks like that. Not that hot, though, right? Gotten hotter.
Ten years ago. Tried ten days ago. Really?
In Scrubs, we want JD to end up with everyone. But, uh, Kylie in this episode in particular. But Kylie has a boyfriend. So here's a clip of JD and the audience discovering that her boyfriend has an S.E.D. that he got from someone who isn't his girlfriend, which is a long medical way of saying openly talking about cheating on her. You've got Maria. We should probably test Kylie to see if she's infected.
Oh, no, we haven't slept together.
Yeah. It's not like I'm missing out. Sure, I probably got this from my secretary. Or that trainer from the gym. Ooh. Art is fine, chick Tamara. They bartends with Kylie? Yeah.
In old school, Luke Wilson has a new love interest, but she has a boyfriend, the inexplicably cast Craig Kilborn. So here's a clip of Craig cheating on her and then being kind of s***y about it with a relative stranger.
Oh, geez. I'm sorry. I guess we're not knocking. Excuse me.
I've got to go back to work. I'm just ripping these bandits. What are you going to do, telling me?
You know you can, buddy. It's guy code, okay? Guys don't tell another guy. That's something chicks do. You get it. Guys cheat on girls.
Hey, that probably sounds like an about face on what I said earlier about how movies mostly show women cheating on men and are irresponsible for doing so, but I promise I'm right both times. In eight out of ten cases, and yes, I crunched the numbers on this, a woman cheating on a man in a movie serves as the inciting incident. It's the thing the main protagonist, man, needs to get to the next stage of his life. Usually happens in the beginning of the movie to kickstart the plot. When a man cheats on a woman in the movie, the majority of the time, it A, happens later in the movie, and B, happens with a secondary man that we were already sort of pre-programmed to hate. The male infidelity still happens as a way to push our main male protagonist forward. Women, in these cases, don't move forward in their lives. They realize, this bad guy was wrong for me, but this other guy will be better. Case in point, old school from before. That movie opens with the wife cheating on the husband, and he's like, I need to move on and make a change in my life and start a fraternity, I guess, and find meaning.
Fraternity, is that true? Not really. I mean, no, it's more kind of like a social club.
The other major infidelity moment in that movie happens when he walks in on Craig Kilborn, the boyfriend to his new love interest, cheating on her. Two acts of cheating in one movie.
The first one tells Luke Wilson, man, my wife was awful. She ruined the sanctity of our relationship by cheating on me. The second one tells Luke Wilson, man, this guy is awful, and he cheats on his girlfriend, whom I'm attracted to. That gives me license to no longer respect the sanctity of their relationship. And the woman who gets cheated on, she doesn't start a sorority. She learns that Luke Wilson is what she was missing all along.
Well, let's just say I caught him red-handed and it wasn't pretty. I guess I thought he could change, you know?
As always, I know why movies do this. You want Luke Wilson, or Owen Wilson, or Patrick Wilson to end up with Ellen Pompeo or Rachel McAdams, and you need a conflict to create drama. So you throw in a pre-existing boyfriend, but you don't want that drama to be too complicated, so you make sure the boyfriend is a total piece of s***, so no one would feel bad about him being literally left at the altar.
I get it. I'm just sick of it. And you are, too. God forbid we make a complicated mainstream movie, like Liar Liar, where we had a rival for the romantic male lead who wasn't an asshole, and he still lost. This is the happiest moment of my entire life. Well, me, mine, well, ours. Also.
That's an interesting idea. The fact that Jim Carrey and Maura Tierney were trying to reconcile, but meanwhile, there was Carrey Elwes, who was Tierney's boyfriend, and he was an interesting, flawless character who was kind and didn't end up with a girl. And hey, that's a teachable moment. What happened to each other? What? There's a lightning round in this episode?
Jeez. All right. Put some amount of time on the clock, and I guess I'll just rolodex bizarrely specific scenes that keep showing up in movies that I'd like to retire because you've seen them a bunch of times, and... I guess I'm not allowed to spend a lot of time talking about them. Okay, do we have a clip? Great. Okay, start the clock.
Two characters who haven't seen each other in a while meet and either yell at each other or physically attack each other as a temporary bit designed to confuse and alienate the people immediately around them. You got a lot of guts coming here after what you pulled. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to. That sure is a confusing way to make friends. Next.
Coroners eat food while surrounded by corpses to establish how desensitized they are to death. I haven't seen my cell phone since they're autopsy. Aren't you slicing that man's brain a little too thin? Wow, what a cool and original way to show that a regular exposure to death leaves you an unhealthy detachment.
How novel of those multiple examples. Anyway, a character solves a Rubik's Cube to prove that they're a genius. Piece of cake. Three decades. I've only completed two sides. Look, dude, I almost got it. Dude, you're really starting to arc me with your Rubik's Cube to say, okay? You, literally you watching this, you can find a free YouTube tutorial that explains the basic way to solve a Rubik's Cube. You can do it tomorrow and you won't be a genius unless you already woke up like one today.
It's just a simple puzzle. Doesn't mean anything.
Meanwhile, next one. Chef saying, taste this. In the middle of a crisis, as if to say, I know you're mad. But taste this one thing and it will forgive everything. Do you know what the menu's gonna be for that wedding? Mm-hmm, good. Well, I'm getting my revenge. Yeah, it's okay. Tell me you love it. Oh, taste this. Maybe a bit more brandy. I mean, I get what we're saying.
Chefs are geniuses and we should accept their flaws because the work they do is great. And we perpetuate that because movies are written by writers who are using their work to say, ignore my flaws because the outcome is good. Writer equals chef. But like, hey, writers, get over yourselves.
You're just a bunch of white...
Is that our time? Oh, okay. That's all for this month.
Join us next time when our topic will be bizarrely specific scenes that don't show up in movies. That sounds so just like a tooth comes out of a mouth and sings a song. That's a scene I've never seen. So would that count? It's bizarrely specific and I haven't seen it. That episode will be pure nonsense. Captain America says, but the talent shows tomorrow and we still don't have an act. That's a scene I haven't seen. One of the Ninja Turtles jerking it, cranking their dumb old turtle dick. It's gonna be a long, weird episode.
Bye. Hey, best friends. Thanks for watching.
Make sure you like and subscribe if you feel like it. And in the comments, why don't you tell me some of your favorite examples for my next episode. The one that's gonna be about movies that we haven't seen before. The bizarrely specific ones.
Like in Toy Story so far, Barbie never took off her head and like put stuff in her own mouth. Something where a snowman cooks. Haven't seen that.
Something where a person orders soup at a restaurant and the guy's like soup. We don't have soup here. Like he's never heard of soup.
Like what kind of, what town is this, you know? A movie where I'm in it and I don't remember filming it. Like I just see myself on screen. |
dropout | the_crucial_man_cooking | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm Jon Gabers, here to give you the crucial information on how to become a man. Because your mama can't hold your hand anymore. Today we're going to learn how to cook an awesome meal. Welcome to The Crucial Man, sponsored by Philips Norelco.
Hello. What's up, Lex?
Alright, one of my favorite topics. I love it when a guy cooks for me.
So takeout isn't sexy? No, takeout's not sexy at all.
But you could share a pizza, it's like a very, you know, joined experience. That's just too easy. You got to kind of get in there and make something.
We have Chris Santos, executive chef and owner of The Stand Social with us here in The Crucial Kitchen. And he's going to be giving us some tips on how to cook the perfect date meal. This is, I think, the perfect first date meal specifically. What makes it perfect?
Well, you know, it has an elegant look, a very simple sort of classic restaurant look. It has the illusion of being healthy. Going into the first time you're going to cook for a lady, you don't need the pressure of having to have 30 steps and 60 ingredients. Yeah, I was just going to say, you can make this plate out of just only the stuff in there. And actually all of this, you know, this garlic is repeated in three different areas. This is actually less ingredients than it even appears.
It's a simple roasted chicken, marinated. It's creamy polenta. There's some secret aphrodisiacs in this dish. In the marinade you have five ingredients, olive oil, crushed red pepper, lemon zest, thyme and garlic. But the crushed red pepper would release endorphins. Hence making your date a little hotter, which might work out. More red pepper, please. But the key to the chicken is just by a simple chicken breast. You want to marinate it for at least six hours. Overnight is even better. Really let the marinade impart into the chicken.
Should you be afraid to have too much garlic in a meal that you're making with it? You should. As a matter of fact, you can take garlic and just put it in a pot of boiling milk for ten minutes and then strain it out and it completely mails it out. It's really nice. It's very important on a date. Bad garlic breast is the worst.
The chicken is on top of a creamy mascarpone and parmesan polenta. I think polenta is pretty impressive if a guy is like, oh, it's polenta. You're going to saute some garlic and some red onion, some thyme, add a little bit of chicken stock, add your polenta cornmeal, whisk it in, a little cream, a little cheese, a little mascarpone until you get the consistency. You don't even need a recipe, you just need the ingredients.
Now what I like about this plate is it's not like a huge portion. What's the best part is moving over to the couch with another bottle of wine after dinner. Yeah, you don't want to be so full. I had this huge meal one time with a girlfriend and I spent the next three hours holding in a fart. When she's going to pause, I have to keep like, oh, let me go see what's out on the balcony and just going out of their dorm room and just farting outside because I was so full. Okay, here's my go-to meal. Now after seeing this, it shames me.
But I make pasta with turkey meatballs and a mushroom sauce. Turkey balls. Well, saying it like turkey balls makes it sound like it's not that good, but it's just meatballs. It makes me sound like you turkey balls.
Like a gobbler hanging between my legs? Or because a kid drew my testicles by tracing his hand? Is that how my balls are like a turkey? It's just because it has like a sexual, like awful connotation.
I don't think you should serve balls. No. Don't serve balls on the first date? No balls on the first date.
Well, thank you very much for coming out. Thanks for having me.
It is manly to cook for a woman. Yeah, it's not too bad cooking together too.
Are you flirting with me? I could hardly tell. I've had like a pound of crushed red pepper. Yeah, your breath smells like cake. |
dropout | the_dark_knight_meets_the_avengers | Nice team up everybody, Batman, it was great to finally- We may have won here and now, but evil will surface again, and when it does, we'll be there waiting, watching, reckoning, a silent guardian, a dark night rises. Uh, yeah, sure, hey, we're gonna grab a beer. You wanna come? Wait, wait, you're all going to just go and hang out? Together? Uh, why? What do you do after a battle? Mostly I sit alone, in a cave, and think about my dead parents. Dude. Hey look, it's the Avengers! Hurry! We must only be a rumor, a legend, a whispered word in the night, uh- Are you signing autographs? Hi, Tony Stark, how's it going? You eighteen? What are you doing?
You just gave away your secret identity! You don't tell people who you are?
That sounds really...lonely. I have a girlfriend...or I did, I had to make a choice between her and saving somebody else. You know, there's a superpower that could have saved both of them. The power of friendship. I don't need friends, I work alone. Really? Friends make the job a lot easier, and it's always nice to have someone to talk to. Hey, great job saving me from that space wheel. I appreciated that.
We operate outside the law. We are the night. We are the dark. We are the dark night.
Uh, sorry, megaphone, need to do batteries. I meant to say, you're all in big trouble if you're late for the big party the mayor is throwing in your honor. Uh, the creepy guy in the Batsuit can come too, if he wants. Oh, glove parties!
Come on Bats, it'll be fun. Fun?
Being a superhero isn't supposed to be fun with your friends. It's an obligation. It's a sacred mission. It's...it's...stop playing volleyball! Albert, are you my friend?
Yes, Master Bruce. Are you only saying that because I'm your billionaire boss? Yes, Master Bruce.
Ugh. That bat guy, huh? What a piece of work. Guys, I'm tired of being angry and alone all the time. I want to have fun. I want to be an Avenger. Oh, oh god, I'm so sorry, but we like just filled the last Avengers slot.
It with, uh, Invisible Man, isn't that right? Invisible Man. Uh, he's totally nodding right now. There is no Invisible Man, is there? There is not. |
cracked | 6_most_wtf_endings_in_video_game_history | Six. Spectacular. Lee. What the f**k? Video game. Endings. Yeah.
The Black Dragon died with Kano. You're the last one, Jarek. Never!
I'm a Sonic!
Major Briggs, this is Lieutenant Sonya. What? No! Sonya, this is Major Briggs.
Come in. Sonya, this is Jags. Are you there? S- Go in somewhere, Jarek. Jags! This is not a brutality. This is a fatality. I am Jags.
And it was you. You who doomed us all. What the f**k? You're here to help. I'm going to kill you. You're a... ...c You're a... ...c Your omnipotence have mercy. After you've scrubbed all the floors in Hyrule, then we can talk about mercy.
I wonder what happened to Link. Oh, he was a bore anyway. Stop looking at yourself. What happened? Nothing, Link.
We were just about to have a feast. Great! Now pay attention. Anything like this before... ...watch. I don't know. This!
It vanished. The radar's clear. She's gone, Blaze. She's gone. No!
Boy, that video was fun, huh? A lot of laughs to be had there. Dan was probably in it. A lot of good things happened. We all had a really good time together.
Go ahead and go down to the comments and tell us the most intricate details of this video. Those about... ...dogs... ...I want to say. Or subscribe to our channel. Or share this video, disseminate it as you see fit. If you didn't like it, maybe... ...maybe now's the time for quiet. |
dropout | what_really_goes_on_at_collegehumor_headquarters | This is a College Humor office building. I know pretty much everything there is to know about College Humor. The intern hires freelancers sometimes.
Spreads the wealth. Wait, wait up for me. We are rolling. Oh, yes.
I've got bad news. Oh my god, has Obama been shot? No. Amanda's going to be in the shop all week, so we just can't use that PA ever again. I'm just so nervous about this political climate.
Yeah, I know. Hey, guys. Welcome to another edition of the PAW podcast where, you know, I answer your questions on what it's like to be meeting on a daily basis. Today, I'm about to have a cuddle of lunch, but it looks a little too hard to eat, so it's probably going to wake up tomorrow, but I'm pretty excited. Katie, I just saw your last sketch posted.
It's so easy. Oh, oh, oh. That wasn't too bad today. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Excuse me. Oh, little to the left. Just give her a minute. Oh, here we go.
Guys. It's just the interns.
They're just so lovely. They have bright, shining faces and positive attitudes, and sometimes they'll go the whole day without going to the bathroom because they don't know if they're allowed to or not. Very great.
Okay. But you know, it's not always chuckles in LaCroix. Yes, about 20 pairs of stilettos, and I want to return all of them. No, I'm not a production company. Why do you keep asking me that? Nope. They're my personal shoes. Okay, I'll call back.
Who am I? Hey, buddy, who are you? Who are you? Who the hell am I? I think it's just us up here. Who are you, Shane? Who am I?
Okay, trash can. My computer's broken again. You tried remounting the Python C++.
Hey, what did you guys shoot Michelle Obama with? That's not a funny joke, Ryan. Well, the footage looks great.
Copy, boys. You deserve this. Don't go back. You need this.
This week on Dinosaur Hospital. Bill? Don't kill Bill off the show, Sam.
No!
Do you subscribe? Click here. What you think in there, Grace? No, I'm full. Thank you, though. Roach?
Oh, I can't look at it. No, no, no, no. I can't look at it.
The camera they bought. The Ozzy Gimbal.
Oh, it is. Classic Grace.
No one ever puts shit away around here. Dinosaur Hospital.
Bill? Don't kill Bill off the show, Sam. No!
What you think in there, Grace? No, I'm full. Thank you, though.
What is that? Is that a Roach?
Oh, I can't look at it. No, no, no, no. I can't look at it.
The camera they bought. The Ozzy Gimbal.
Oh, it is. Classic Grace.
No one ever puts shit away around here. No, no, no, no. |
dropout | radio_you | There's a lot of music out there, but the recipe for success in a saturated environment? Simple.
Excuse me! Sir? Hello! Hi! It's about finding a hole in the marketplace. Hi! Excuse me!
Do you have time to check out a new app? What's missing? No one knows. If you've scratched that, radio.u knows. What's about your name, your birthday, and what type of music you like?
And thanks to our street team out there, we are very close to reaching our listenership goal. As soon as we get that, we get venture funding.
Great choices! Let's see what the app does with these. Hey! Girl! Let's go on!
Oh! It's . . . Friday . . Kill the tune Who are you? Shall I and Paul is in. Using the data you enter and our proprietary AI technology, our app learns what your favorite music is and incorporates your story into it. It's . . . And I'm hanging with . . Leave a space there for the name.
I spent just under 14 months as a coder at Grubhub. People called me a whiz kid. They'd say, hey, whiz kid, or nobody can code as fast as you, whiz kid, or dang, you're really proficient, Reggie. Everybody was super nice. But I decided I have so much more to offer. At Grubhub, I was part of the team that tracked users' order patterns, then presented them with personalized restaurant recommendations.
But none of that satisfied my passion for music. I woke up one day and said, I'm creative.
Sorry, y'all. Walking down my stretch. Stretch, stretch.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah, yes. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, mm. I guess it's you, right? Like you, me, our place in music, right? So it's like the sense of me, the sense of you that you could get from something like a song. Sure.
Music is so impersonal. You know, I'm not, that's not me. I'm not Led Zeppelin. That doesn't relate to me.
So people have to fill out a survey for every song? No, no, well, right now, yes, but going forward, we'll be asking users for their social security number. That way we can mine key data and implement that into songs. Name, last known address, preferred bank. What if people don't want to give out that kind of information? Then we have the survey. And how long is the survey? Depends. They come in six types. So people have to fill out a survey for every song? Not if you have a valid social security number.
May 3rd, 1989. OK. February 12th, February 13th. This has been an incredibly fulfilling opportunity to show the world that Reggie Rodriguez isn't just a data guy. Manuel Mesti. I'm not just sitting at a computer reading off some spreadsheet. I'm creating. Dude.
Hold on. Whoa. Hold on.
This is getting faster and louder. Can we? No, no. Hey, man. What's up? No, but we're trying to share this workspace. Can we just? I know. I put in the insulators for a reason. Get ready to hear the future of music. Hey, guy. Let's go. We're going to take the party ride.
Are these headphones wireless?
Yeah, totally. And actually. Stop it. Hey, hey, hey.
They had me record my songs in the conference room. They don't want me doing it at the desk anymore, because I guess too much good sound.
Hey, guys. What's up? Hi. What are you doing here?
The recordings that I used to do at my desk. But now, because I'm a team player, I'm in here. Yeah. We reserve the space, so. Oh, but I reserve the when I do this, I reserve it. Oh, through Marie? Yep. Reg, I have a confirmation email from her saying that we have the space for me.
What's the confirmation number? The confirmation number?
You didn't get one. I got one. I don't have it off the top of my head, do you? Three.
What do you hope to get out of working for Reggie? I want experience. You know, I just want life experience. That's what he told me was the number one thing he could provide for an unpaid internship. He said experience, exposure, experience.
Oh. The three E's. Yeah. Well, experience is in there twice. I know, right? Ooh, yeah, yeah. All right. Hey, let's go out.
What different genres do you have? Oh, we do all the genres. Rock, techno, and reggae.
Pick up a book, and listen. Come on now, come on now. Not a mountain. Hey, let's go out, out, out. I'm going to take the party, oh, oh, oh. So what does it say?
I can't believe this. We just clobbered our first listenership goal. Destroyed it.
When do you start fundraising? Now. We can set up meetings now.
But that doesn't mean I can stop creating, not for a second. Art never stops.
Michaela, Mandy, Melissa, Morty. Come on now. Mildred. Throw the joint. May. Japachee. May's. Two men with them mocha gee. Missy. Got plucka, plucka, plucka, get up on my shoes. Or skin. Thanks for watching! |
SaturdayNightLive | bronx_beat_maureen_diccico_katy_perry_snl | We're back, people. we're back. we're back. we're back. we can't do the show in the summer. there's too much going on. No, it's too hot. And there's. there's only one air conditioner. and it goes, p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p. school is out. There's kids everywhere during the summer. everywhere you go, it's riddled with kids. my house is literally filled with children all summer long. none of them mind.
I like to just make food for all the people's kids. I'm like a short little cook. So a weird kid comes up to me and says, Mrs. Deeth, can I have some milk? and I say, i don't know, go axe your mother. I have no idea who you are. baseball, football, soccer ball, hockey ball, you name it ball. pick somebody up here. drop somebody off there. rabbits, dogs, weirds, smells. my car and my house are like a petting zoo. you know what I did? the minute the school bus picked up my kids, I put my feet up, I pulled myself a glass of white wine. good for you. So what if it was 8.30 in the morning? I'm gonna grown up. Mind your business. give me a break. kids have a whole bottle.
I don't care what you do. do whatever you want. you're a big girl. go to the movies. I'm not gonna go to the movies. No way. I'm not going to the movies because now in theaters everywhere. What?
Bedbugs. Oh, Bedbugs. Bedbugs. Everywhere. Bedbugs.
The movies. restaurants. You know how bedbugs get into your house? Why, how? they ride in on the backs of mice. What? marauding armies of bedbugs galloping in on mice. So guess what? you got bedbugs? Congratulations. you also got mice. Hey, guess what, Bedbugs? do me a favor. take a hike. I didn't invite you. grab your saddles, jump on your tiny mice, and ride yourself out of my house. giddy up, giddy out.
Alright, alright, alright. So, Jodi, tell everyone what you did this summer. Big news. she and her husband renewed their vows. yeah, whatever. tell them everything. Okay, so everybody knows I hate my stupid husband. right.
So I haven't had that experience. I'm seeing it on the commode, changing the light, because of course he won't. toilet seat gives way, and long story short, I saw a light. bathed in the light, my dear Nancy, Joanne. I swear. Oh my God, she died? Yeah, you didn't know that?
Oh, she's so old. I come to. my stupid husband's giving mouth to mouth to me. next thing you know, we start making out. Boom, we're renewing our vows. here she goes. What can I do? here she goes.
I love the stupid guy. And you buy three kids. save my life. You know what? You know what I wish my husband would renew? How? his commitment to cleaning up after that stupid bird he bought himself for his birthday. So dumb. I hate that thing. that parrot's gonna outlive the both of us. You know what? those dumb things live 70 years. they're so dumb, those birds. so dumb. how can I pay for that? dumb, stupid birds.
Okay, enough. Yeah. Alright, let's get to our first guest. Oh God, that's right. we have a guest.
Alright, there's been a lot of hubbub. a lot of hullabaloo. Hullabaloo is right. hullabaloo is right. Hullabaloo.
Down at the Public Library About this girl. she's 16. she volunteers reading books to kids. Oh, that's wonderful. And you know what? she used to babysit for me. she is adorable. let's bring her out here. Maureen Dechico. here she comes. it's Drew Jr. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh my goodness. Oh. Maureen, you have really developed over the summer. Yeah, developed.
Honey, you've exploded. Kaboom. those are some bazoons. the Kapow. Kabooey. Big Man. Boom.
Bababooey.
I hardly knew you. Maureen, what the hell happened to your shirt? looks like today's show is brought to you by the number 38 and the letter double D. I guess I developed over the summer. are you guess? Look at Elmo. his head's all stretched out. it is? Yeah. You remember when Jerry Lewis had to take all those steroids and his head blew up? Yeah. that's what Elmo's head looks like, right? it does? Yeah. yeah. Let me tell you what you need to do, Maureen. listen closely. tell your mom to take you down to Kohl's and get yourself a good broar. a good broar? Yeah. okay. okay. and ask for Paula. she's a miracle worker. unbelievable. she doesn't even use a tape measure. she just walks around in a circle and eyeballs you. she's like an oracle.
What are you, honey? you were 32? 32. you were 32? Yeah, you were 32. What are you, a 32?
What are you, a Double D? a Double D? you're a Double D? D. you're a Two D? Double D, more like 3d.
Well, tell me about it. I need some glasses. I need those glasses. Oh, a Bongo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the library told me to wear some looser-fitting clothing. it's so embarrassing. Hey, listen to me.
Never be embarrassed about your body. Never. Never be embarrassed about your body. Never.
Beautiful.
In France, everybody walks around with no shirt on whatsoever. Everyone. boobies as far as the eye can see. boobies, though. La boobies. And you know what comes from them. they know how to do things over there. I'm this close to moving to France, except that I can't speak the language and I hate the people. Rosie, you know what? who cares if kids are looking at boobs? boobs feed babies. All right? boobs feed babies. I turned on Csi the other night, and there's a dead guy with a worm in his eye. But we can't look at the tops of boobs. So dumb, Erica. so dumb, so dumb, so dumb. You know what? you do your thing at the library. the kids come for the boobs. they stay for the books. everybody wins.
Oh my gosh. you're right. yeah. pretty cool, Amari. you know what? All right. she's beautiful, huh? beautiful. I want to answer some more questions. Okay, I just got your mom. that's your mom. that's great. she loves the spaghetti. |
TheOnion | Nation_Throws_Giant_Temper_Tantrum_Upon_Learning_Syria_Is_Complex_Nuanced_Issue | Obama assures Americans the military strike on Syria will be nothing like the 1456 Ottoman siege of Belgrade, a jellyfish falls short of its dream to kill Diana Nyad, and Ariel Castro is failed by the system. And now, a look at the week's events certain to baffle your child like mine. This is The Onion Week in Review. This week, the nation reportedly threw a large-scale temper tantrum after learning the crisis in Syria is a complex and multifaceted issue. According to sources, Americans across the country pounded their fists against tables and stormed out of rooms in fits of rage after being told the prospect of U.S. intervention in the troubled Middle Eastern country has many angles and possible outcomes, with many citizens repeatedly screaming no, no, no and demanding that the crisis become a clearcut issue with good guys and bad guys right now.
According to a groundbreaking new study published this week in the New England Journal of Medicine, the average person, while ostensibly appearing to be normal and mentally sound in their day-to-day lives, immediately becomes a deranged psychotic when alone at home. Researchers told reporters the study's subjects, despite having steady jobs and maintaining ordinary social lives, exhibited increasingly erratic and unstable activity as soon as they were behind closed doors. We observed hundreds of subjects with successful careers, numerous friends and loving families. Perfectly normal. But as soon as they were at their homes by themselves, they began presenting behavior consistent with those suffering from dementia, schizophrenia and various other acute mental illnesses.
This week, viewers of documentary World War II in HD told reporters the film's language and imagery seemed to betray an unmistakable anti-Nazi bias. Those that finished watching one of the documentary's 10 parts noted that the historians interviewed about the war consistently showed a pro-Allies stance, and said the film was, quote, less than objective when dealing with Adolf Hitler and the Nazi army. I mean, they kept saying that Hitler's speeches were full of hate, and I think one guy even went so far as to call him a Nazi menace. And whenever they would show scenes of the Holocaust, they would play this really dark music over top.
Like, let me make up my own mind, you know? And in this week's Onion Magazine, dogs with abs. In other news, Bruce Springsteen is on the fence about playing Bashar al-Assad's birthday gig, a family's horrific 45-minute screaming match ends in consensus to go to Macaroni Grill, and a sleeping middle-aged businessman in an airport is suddenly so childlike, so vulnerable. We imagine that in the infinite universes parallel to this one, you are still staring dumbfounded at this video. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | the_vibe_featuring_lisa_loeb_chuck_wicks_bobby_brackins_and_mike_catherwood | Tonight, immediately following Broken Badge, stay tuned for NBC's groundbreaking new music competition, The Vibe. Most singing reality shows are only about the image, but the vibe is different. On the vibe, auditions are 100% pure. Join judges Lisa Lowe, Bobby Brackens and DJ Mike Catherwood in total sensory deprivation as they search for America's next great singer.
Wow, I'm feeling really good about this girl. I'm feeling, I think she's a middle-aged black woman, no, maybe older, but yeah. Right, no, my name's Tom Phillip. I'm from Bristol.
I've got no idea what's going on, but you're going to be a star, sister. I haven't sung yet. We're not influenced by phony stuff like age, clothes, or sound and tone of their singing. Or the temperature of the room, what time of day or night it is. Or any sensation, there's another human around whatsoever. Who are you? You can start whenever you want. It's just us, the singer and the imaginary people that materialize in our heads after sitting in an utter black void for four hours. 11 years old and you came all the way from Canada to sing by yourself tonight.
Waltz Crows. You guys know we're wrapped, right? I did not expect skills like this from a married white guy with dreadlocks from Louisiana. These things freak me out. I think I see my father, dad. The only thing that matters on the vibe is the music, or you know, the music we sense as we spend our days in inky nothingness. This week, country sensation Chuck Wicks joins the crew as guest judge. Mr. Wicks, you have been a true inspiration to me. Yeah, I'm sorry, I can't, they're not, I can't see or hear anything. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. And stay tuned next week for round two when our isolated judges start experiencing vision quests. You're wise, spirit wolf. I return you to the wave of colors from whence you came. Holy fuck, were they here all weekend? It's the vibe, followed by an It's New to You Chuck, only on NBC. |
SaturdayNightLive | everyone_hates_watt_saturday_night_live | Well, Mort, I just saw the boss on the elevator, and he doesn't look good. we got to. we got to shake him out of this, Bernie. tell you what, when he gets here, remember, the man is depressed. they're trying to run him out of his job. So let's cheer him up, Okay? Okay, stick with me, all right?
Good morning, Secretary White. Morning, Secretary White.
Oh, boy. I am a jackass, I tell you. every time I open my mouth, someone gets mad. everybody hates me. the spics, the heaps, the spooks. the mix, the chicks. Why? why? Gee, what a lousy day. The smog levels hide. don't try to cheer me up, Bernie. Oh, boy, all I need is just a little drink. that's all I need.
Oh, boy. what did the polls say about me today? Well, the opinions are mixed, Jim. let's see. it says here that. 34% say you should resign. I knew it. and 65% say you should be bulldozed over and covered with asphalt. Why does everybody hate me? One percent are undecided.
Hey, hey! between the resigning and the asphalt. Oh, boy. yes, what is it? Dick Clark's on the phone. he wants you to do a Tv show. James Watt's uncensored bloopers. no more calls. Oh, come on, Jim. slap out of it. Look, look. here's a tree. let's rip it down. let's have some fun. come on. whoa, whoa, whoa. let's make a tree. Oh, boy. whoo! come on. you can do it, Jim. Look, we killed it. I just don't feel like ravaging and pillaging anymore, boys. he's worse than I thought. have Rose come in here and sweep up, please. we want to make sure the office is clean for the next Secretary of the Interior. Hey, hey, hey. don't you start talking like that. who could they possibly find to fill your shoes? they're talking about getting Don Rickles. Well, yeah. Mr. Secretary.
Yes, Ferguson? yeah, I'm sorry. you're having such a hard time. you know, I know I don't think you go bigger than nothing like that, you know. I beg your pardon, Ferguson? I say, I don't think you go bigger, man, you know. Well, I'm leaving, Ferguson, regardless. everybody hates me. yeah, we know we gonna miss you, you know. you a nice guy. I like you. Yo, Rose. check this out. why don't you get in there and clean up?
Mr. Secretary, quit. Oh, goodbye, Mr. Watt.
Oh, dear. oh, dear. Oh, I didn't see the oil slick. All right, are you all right? I think I broke my leg. Oh, oh. no, no, I want you to use it as a crutch, you see. Oh, guess what is it?
Ann Burford to see you. Ann Burford, send her in.
Jim, Jim, Jim. we're hounding you out of office just like they did to me. where did we go wrong? Annie, I don't know. we tried. we always said if we accomplish even one small thing, bring a little smile to one major strip miner, a little happiness to one large oil cartel, then it's all worth it. How were we repaid? in unmarked 50s and 100s. No, no, no, no. by losing our jobs. Jim, Jim, we're not gonna let you quit your job. we're gonna take a stand. right, Jim? all the way. Boy, you guys are the greatest. All right. we'll stand together. isn't it ironic? My last true friends. two Jews, a woman, a black, and a cripple. Jim, you really are a jackass. Thank you, Bernie. thank you very much. |
dropout | awkward_manatees_drawfee_show | Welcome to the Drawfee Show, where you take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan.
Today we are drawing awkward manatees. Awkward manatees.
As suggested by Reach Assassin and then a number one. One. The first Reach Assassin. Holy shit, of course. Is that like Halo Reach, or is that just like he's got?
I think it's the toothbrush brooch. Oh, you don't like that. The toothbrush. You know the toothbrush.
Ah, Nathan, your hair is so messy. Have you broached it today? Uh, no. My mom would always tell me to broach my hair. And I'd be like, shut up, mom!
Much like these manatees, you are an awkward boy. Yeah, manatees have these dumb butt mouths. How dare you? That's so rude.
They're just like, look at them. They're just like, mmm. They are so awkward though. That's the fun thing about drawing awkward manatees is like, I don't know. I almost want to draw like what a cool manatee would look like as a point of... As a point of comparison. Yeah, because like what... Like manatees are all pretty awkward looking because they got that butt mouth. They have like just some stubs for arms. Like they've got these little like weird paddles and then their tails are just circles. Their tail is the dumbest. It's just like a dinner plate that someone glued to their butt and like that's just their life and they have to live underwater even though they don't breathe underwater.
They just constantly getting hit by boat propellers. Yeah, getting railed by fishing boats. Like trawling fishing boats. I'm in fast fishing boats.
And then the other fun thing is that they're just covered in like peach fuzz. They don't even have real hair. It's just algae. I bet that if like they did live on land they would be so gross and sweaty all the time. That's like the one point of salvation for manatees is that are you getting glasses?
Yeah, I'm making a mill house stop glass. I'm going I'm going like full 80s. Yeah, 80s stereotypical nerd because I'm a cartoons.
Yeah, we don't we don't need to be original. What's he holding? We're drawing. We don't have to be original.
He's doing that thing where you just sort of like clasp your hands together. Maybe now maybe one of his hands is doing okay doing the old behind behind the back. Oh, yeah This is a pickle. This is a sea cucumber. He'd say because he's a manatee lives underwater. That's all he has to know about this. I love how round he is too. He's just like he's a very plump. Yeah, he's a more of a more of a boyatee. What? Than a manatee. He's not yet a manatee. He's a boyatee. Yeah, he hasn't gone through puberty as it were and Look at that.
Look at that paddle. What are you doing with that man? I can't the funniest thing to me is how sailors would like see manatees and They'd be like, oh so a mermaid.
Yeah. Yeah, that's like no you didn't know you super did my man You straight-up did not that I feel like like one guy must have been so convinced then he calls over his buddy and it's just like Daryl that's Daryl. No Daryl. No, absolutely.
It's like you've been well to be fair They like sailors used to have to be on a boat for a long time months. It's true Which is more the time you think there's like a scientific like Constant or principle that can describe like after how long anything starts looking hot. Yeah After just like after two months, yeah This dumb this dumb little little sea paddle.
Yeah, this dumb this bad cow is bad cow Oh, whoa, Daryl, that's a fucked up cow. That is not a girl. That is not a pretty underwater lady I Want to draw can I draw the the jock? That's a harassing him? He's getting he's getting a wedgie. I'm gonna hold on Cuz I think I think everyone everyone deserves to know what a cool manatee would actually look like cool manatee You give him. Okay, so I thought he was gonna be looking forward. Yeah, you can change the Orientation of his like pupils. Oh jeez. I love that. He's sweating underwater, too Yeah, let's see if I can remember like underwear has that weird kind of like what's basically like that Yeah, he's just wearing under. Yeah, it's like he's begging to be wedgie because normal man. Oh, I know. No It wouldn't be like that would be like Doing for you dumb bad dolphin Blowholes do they know they just have they just have nostrils. What the fuck are you doing?
Yeah, manatees I'm sorry. I just last week. It was uh-huh the movie dinosaur this right. It's manatees Oh, yeah, put it on blast to talk about yeah, the maximum blast guys, you know We we need suggestions of things to draw always from the comments from you guys. There were more comments just about liking the movie dinosaur than Then any I think I think they were suggesting that we should like the movie It's which I've never seen ya cuddles never even seen and I I was 11 Yeah, when I saw it the one time I think that I have a better excuse in you honestly We yeah, obviously if you like the movie, yeah great That's great. So I'm happy for you. Oh happy that you like that movie I saw it when I was 11 and wasn't crazy about it. And that was I don't I don't think I need to rewatch it I think you do.
I think we should that's chin. Yeah, I feel like got a butt chin. He's got a double butt Oh my gosh, look it's like normal manatees. He's so cool face. So he's got like a butt chin And he's also got like sunglasses.
Oh, yeah those like real like Like I don't just like John Lennon II like ones like circles like retro Yeah, like he's super cool on anyone else. It would just look like oh, you're a blind person But on John Lennon's like you're pretty you were pretty cool. Oh You're a blind person. Oh Oh, well, you're so cool. But like you're also blind.
Oh my gosh. This manatee is Ripped he's shredded But he's still yeah, like even the coolest manatee is still the worst dolphin. That's some wisdom for you today I feel like I saw a fortune cookie. What's that? It's like several steps below the worst dolphin. Yeah, yeah, man No, that's a good fortune too. Yeah, can you imagine getting that? You just pondering while I wish that I feel like fortune cookies could really use like Someone someone to like shake up the game, you know, I feel like they're like it's gotten stale Like you're getting the same ones. You're getting like ones that are just like hmm Clever man knows that the true path is friends. I'm like, what does that even mean? But they say again with uh-huh in bed. Yeah at the end Uh-huh, the clever man knows that the true path is with friends. Yeah in bed in bed Clever manatee knows that even if you're super jacked, you're still a manatee.
Is he wearing underwear too? No, he's wearing jeans Oh, he's wearing cool. He's wearing a single like denim leg single.
Yeah, what what brand of Genes do manatees wear? Um, do you have an answer to this? No You phrase that like You phrase that like it was gonna be like a knock-knock joke. Yeah, let me think of what you jumped me out All right. Oh, maybe maybe this should be like a oh, you know, I think you should have like a tattoo or something on you That's how you know, he's cool Yeah, that's definitely what's gonna be and he's got some like are you still thinking about them? Yeah, I've gotten Levi's They were great they were Levi's uh-huh What should his tattoo say like he needs one?
Oh and his tail. Yeah. Oh, it should be. Oh, yeah I know what it'll be. It'll be like a This is gonna be great and super Super accurate a good picture that everyone's gonna really enjoy this. You're so zoomed in Yeah, it's gonna see all them all them pixels. It's gonna be a little merm.
Oh, yeah Yeah, it's like this is what they look like. Yeah, so the sailors just saw the manatees tattoo. Oh, that's what it was You're right. Yeah, cuz you know back in the day manatees had bigger tattoos. Yes It's fat in fashion, you know society wasn't as repressed as manatees society as it is now. Uh-huh I'm still thinking I'm still trying to think of a manatee jeans. It's how like it's gonna happen.
What are jeans companies you wrangler? Levi Lucky denim diesel. Yes, man. It's diesel.
No, it's not happening Under okay, if you have a good jeans Please suggest it leave in the comments. I don't feel dumb if you've got a bad joke for us, please tell it Thank you. Thank you. All right, you're welcome.
So I think we're about done here. I think that's Give me your hey, give me your lunch money. I'm gonna buy some algae Just because that's all yourself. That's all we fucking eat cuz we suck That's the thing hold on I'm gonna add some shading on this too That's the thing about Randall is he knows Randall knows. Yeah, look at that knowing expression like I I'm gonna hold on Randall Randall knows Why do you think he's wearing sunglasses?
Oh, he's sad. He's sad. He knows that he'll only be a manatee Here Peter he runs with a cool crowd. I think he like he hangs out with like dolphins and stuff He give will he gives wedgies just so he can feel something. Yeah, exactly cuz well They really can't feel anything cuz they're just like so they're just dense skin monsters all of their nerves are Yeah under layers and layers of fat and like it he must be so sad cuz he's like, you know at one point We probably had fingers and then we decided.
Oh, let's just go live underwater. Yeah, that's uh, cool. Thanks. Dad That's how evolution works. You just one day Your dad decides. Hey, we're not we're not gonna have fingers. Oh dad. No, I don't wanna, you know, my dad was uh Was a tiger. Oh, he was like claws are dumb. Yeah, I'm a man now a man now Oh, wow. So I think that's more like your dad is like a shape changer and you are a changeling So whoa, you should work on that Whoa, no, I can only turn into a toad You're thinking you're like a full-size man toad though, so that's cool. All right.
Oh, I almost forgot the most important part of this drawing Bubbles. Yeah bubbles. So, you know, it's underwater. That's a little art tip for you A little art tip for you. If you're drawing something underwater, draw a bunch of bubbles, you dummy. Dang bubbles on it.
You dingus All right. There's some manatees They're sad because they know their life sucks I'm not gonna draw it but just know that five minutes from now in this picture a motorboat is gonna come in a run boat over both of them That's Damn, it's true. That's a real sad. It's a real plight donate to wildlife donate to wildlife at Www. wildlife wildlife draw feed dot wildlife draw feed comm backslash not a scam Thank you guys for watching. This is Drawfee show We have our own channel youtube.com backslash Drawfee where we take dumb suggestions and play drawing games every day If you like that head over there and check more out if you don't Just go, you know Stick your hand up your butt. I don't care We're sorry |
dropout | the_guy_who_always_talks_about_hot_girls | Hey, I thought we were supposed to have lunch today. Oh, yeah, yeah, just my brother dropped it unexpectedly, so.
Oh, okay. Cool. You don't mind if Colby joins us, do you? Uh, no, that's fine.
Great, you know, I have to take a shit so badly that I'm afraid to fart right now.
So I'll be right back, you two, just to get to know each other. Okay, uh, so what brings you into town?
The girls. Just kidding. Sales conference. Oh, okay. I thought you were serious for a second. But honestly, my God. Uh-huh. Girls here are so hot, you know what I'm talking about. I guess. You kidding me?
There's hot girls everywhere. I mean, ten, nine, eight, two, six with the lights off, that's a Mississippi eight. Yeah, they are attractive human beings with real feelings, that's for sure.
Give me a bone or make my dick carve. Do you want to talk about anything else? I don't know how you get anything done.
You must be swimming in a whole swamping pussy. Oh, God. That's the hottest girl you ever fuck.
Okay, I don't want to talk about hot girls, okay? I just gotta talk, roast meat, boy cheddar. Where do you see this conversation going?
Uh, I guess I point out a hot girl, and you'd agree, and then you'd point out a hot girl. Right. Like her. And I would agree. Okay. Then, I'd point out a hot girl for you to agree. Right, okay. I understand.
That is what I don't want to do. What? What are you doing with your face? Just use your words. What are you saying?
Oh, my God. That's a hot girl. I got my penis completely engorged.
Okay. Are you gay? I'm not gay. I'm saying- That's fine.
Is that gonna make your butthole hard? How do you think gay sex works? Does butt smashing together- No, all right. Look, this is a bad conversation, okay?
Yeah, you're right. Oh. Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, hot girl. From before. Huh? She was hot. That's it? You don't think she was hot? Yes, she was hot.
Oh, yeah. You dog. Of course. You're hot. I'm proud. A dog?
Don't- Shut up. Shut up. Listen. No. Listen.
Let's try this. How was your flight out here? It was terrible. Okay, tell me more. What about me up to first class?
There's not a single hot girl in there.
Politics. Politics would be better than this. What are your thoughts on the presidential race? Hillary Clinton is the hardest girl running right now.
The Middle East. I tell you what, that is one tangled web of economic and religious conflict that cannot be straightened out with one simple answer. How do you separate the actions of everyday citizens from those of the radical extremists?
Yeah. Yes! That is a very good point.
But why do they cover their women in those burkas? Stop talking about hot girls!
There's nothing to say. It's like, look how blue that wall is. The wall doesn't get uncomfortable when you point it out.
It's a stupid, empty conversation. I would rather talk about literally anything else.
You guys would not believe the size of the shit I just took. How big was it?
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary House, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
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