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SaturdayNightLive | protective_mom_2_snl | Babe before we go in. I just want you to know that you have nothing to be worried about. My mom's not here and my aunt is gonna. Love you Louise. I know I'm so excited. Yeah, Rosa, we're here and who is she? Yeah, this is Casey, let me know we are. My girlfriend, Lean down we all may be. Thank you, don't worry about her. she's just a little bit protective, but it's nothing compared to my mom. Well, hey, it's like a family reunion in here. Who I said, i'm gonna get a girlfriend. Hi, Miss Flores, I didn't realize you were gonna be here, but I'm so excited that I brought cookies!
So ah so thoughtful to not make them yourself. Oh so Casey, what do you do for work? Oh, well. currently I am a graphic designer for my dad's nonprofit.
Oh good because nobody likes Profit baby. He said we don't come close to Camila and Trader Joe's all right, are you talking about me? No, my love, I'm talking about another white girl with flat back star.
Hey, well, I just like me and I love Louise and I feel like I've been really good for him. like when he got diagnosed with depression. Okay, see no no no no. What do you mean me sober enough got depression? Me? does not have depression. he just like the dark. He tried to get it when he was a kid. He said mommy, I'm depressed Then I said don't do that, do something else. Depression doesn't actually work that way.
Oh Nicky Link, you guys I know I'm not exactly what you were expecting, but can we just start over and have dinner? I would hate for all this delicious food to go to waste. Honestly, I'm not even hungry anymore. No, don't do this again. How many times have I told you you do not eat enough? You. |
dropout | optical_illusion_girlfriend | Man, this is my apartment. And hey, this is my roommate, Jeff. Jeff, this is my new girlfriend.
Oh, hey. Oh! Oh my god. What is it?
She's horrible. She's a beautiful woman. Huddle up. Dude, your girlfriend's an optical illusion.
What? Look at her. What do you see? I see a beautiful woman wearing a beautiful hat. See? I see a horrible witch. I don't see that at all. Excuse me, ma'am. Could I see your driver's license? Oh god. Thank you, honey. See? Horrible witch. Beautiful lady. Look.
There's her ear. Oh, that's her eye. There's her chin. Dude, that's her nose.
I don't see it. Though it is kind of weird. They would issue her license when she's turned around like that. Oh god! You see it? Oh my god. You see it. I want it to go back. Sorry, man. God, no, I can't not see it. Sorry, I don't know what to say. Oh, wow. Kind of see what you were talking about before. Hey, do you think maybe I could go over there?
Yeah. You sure? Yeah. Okay.
Let me put those in some water for you. Hey, watch it. Sorry, guys.
I thought I saw a vase. That's the third time this week. It's 11. Ooh! |
SaturdayNightLive | mark_wahlberg_talks_to_christmas_animals_snl | Mark Wahlberg talks to Christmas animals. Hey, I'm Mark Wahlberg. you guys know me. it's the holiday season. let's go talk to some Christmas animals.
Hey, sheep. how's it going? I like your fur. you were at the first Christmas, right? Let me ask you something. did you guys know it was gonna be a big thing? Okay, well, it was great to meet you. say hi to your mother for me, Okay? Now, I'm gonna talk to a partridge. Hey, Partridge, how's it hanging?
Where's your pear tree? Oh, there it is. So you were in that song, 12 Days of Christmas. I was in the happening. did you see that movie?
Okay, talk to you later, Partridge. Now, I'm gonna talk to a snowman. Hey, Snowman, it's nice to see you.
How'd you get in here with all these animals? you're not an animal. you're a man. I like your stick hands. I have real hands, but we can still hang out. just let me know, Okay? say hi to your mother for me.
Now, I'm gonna talk to Rudolph. Hey, Rudolph, long time, no see. I've been thinking about making an Entourage movie. do you like that idea? Hey, Rudolph, next time you talk to Santa, tell him I want an Amazon Kindle, Okay? You hear me, Rudolph? Amazon Kindle. say hi to your mother for me, Okay? This has been Mark Wahlberg, Talks to Christmas Animals. |
TheOnion | The_Best_Of_Today_Now_Fresh_Roasted_Cup_Of_News | Stay with us because coming up in a little bit, we're going to have our MoneyWise segment. Oh, for people who are trying to save a few pennies these days, we're going to show you how to guilt your kids into dropping out of college.
But right now, let's return to the story of little Zach Shaw, who last week was tragically crushed and eaten by his pet python. It's the moment that every parent with a 20-foot-long snake fears most, and one you can't possibly prepare for. No, and here to tell their story are Rich and Lisa Shaw, Zach's parents.
Thank you both for coming in this morning. I know it might be terribly difficult for you, but could you share with us the details of what happened on the day that Zach died? Well, it was just a regular morning. Rich was taking the girls to school, and Zach was playing in the habitat. I was painting our study. We were converting it so Zach and the snake could have separate rooms. I went out for a little bit, and when I came back, I didn't hear Zach playing. And so I went up there, and I saw I must have been such a shock.
Yeah. I mean, you never think that a python's going to bring your family anything but joy. Of course not. No, it's the kind of thing you think can only happen to other people with a 300-pound snake as a pet. We really tried to be safe parents, you know, we would never let Zach by the pool unless he was supervised by either one of us or the python. Yes, I just keep thinking, what if I had checked on them before I went out shopping and then to the movies? No, no, no, you can't think like that. It's not your fault.
We were going to put a lock on the habitat. I mean, a door and then a lock on the habitat. We even thought about keeping the snake outside of the house, especially since he ate our Boston Terrier a couple of months ago.
You couldn't have known. Yes, I know that's true. Even if I could go back, I know there's nothing I could have done differently. Maybe put a bell on the snake. Zach wouldn't want you to be sad. Yes, I know. It's been hard on all of us and the snake. Sure.
Jaws is like a son to us. He misses Zach very much. You can see it in his eyes. I just want to say to everyone watching, just love your kids every day because you never know when God is going to invite them up to heaven through your snake.
All right. That's a great lesson. Well, if you at home would like to help the Shaw family, you can visit our website. There's some instructions there on how you can help defray some of Rich and Lisa's expenses, including the purchase of a much needed therapy snake for Zach's sister, Anne, who's having some difficulty coping with the loss of her brother. Okay. Now let's go on over to our relationship guru, Craig Whedon, who's going to give us the six signs that your latest fling was a result of woodland fairies meddling in human affairs. All right.
Well, while I'm getting this spray cheese up off the floor, Tracy's going to be talking to two special young men who are really making a difference in their community. Thanks, Jim. I'm sitting here right now with two very special Boy Scouts, Zach Hannaford and Brian Seitz of Troop 128 in Whitehall, New York. They've decided to take on the challenge of promoting the early detection of breast cancer. Wow, guys, thanks so much for joining us. Tell me everything about your project. Well, in order to get our Eagle Scout badge, we needed to do a community service project and we talked it over and we thought that we'd help women do their breast exams.
Wow. Now, you must have done a lot of research. Definitely. We looked all over the internet to find great websites. I think we're seeing some of them now. Oh, yeah, these ones are really good. Yeah, the information can be pretty confusing, though, so women should always ask us for help. Definitely.
You've even put together your own website. Is that right? Yeah, my older brother Ted's our advisor and he knows how to put together websites, so he helped us put our own. And list your phone number, so that's a good way for people to get in contact with you, right? Yeah. They can call us and we'll go to their house anytime.
Well, so how's your program going to work? I mean, where do you plan to do these exams? Well, I think we're probably going to do them in my basement.
Well, his basement's not really like a basement basement, it has a carpet and it's like a finished. So it's finished.
Well, now I've been told that the key to a good self-breast examination is making them a regular part of your normal routine, right? And that way you get to know your breasts and can recognize any changes. Now, I like to do mine when I'm in the shower.
Yeah. Okay. Do you want to go in your bed? Uh, yeah, yeah, definitely, uh-huh.
I am kind of worried about my own technique, though. Can you show us how to do a good breast exam? Uh, well, you first, you know, you kind of have to like look around and like feel for the lump. I imagine you have to disrobe.
Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, and then you've got to like, you've got to like feel for the bump if there is one. Could go in circles. Yeah. Okay. You've got different techniques, then. Is that right, Brian? Yeah. You've got to squeeze a nipple to make sure it doesn't feel irregular in the nipple to make sure. Wow, I'm amazed. Yeah.
You should come over. We can teach you how to do it. Mm-hmm. Sign me up, boys.
Thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing this. On the thing of age? Oh, uh, yeah, um, we're really focusing on younger women because, you know, older women know, uh, know most of this stuff already. What an excellent point. Coming up next, we'll visit our third Kenyan this week.
Thank you so much for being here. Thank you.
We have a story for you right now that is really going to get you steamed up. It's one of those abuses of power stories. Today, the Make-A-Wish Foundation, you know them for all the charitable work they've done over the years, is expected to file for bankruptcy all due to the financial strain caused by one little child's wish for unlimited wishes.
You've got to be kidding me. I wish I were kidding you, but I'm not.
No, this kid, Chad Carter, he's an eight-year-old living up in Boston, he has leukemia. He took advantage of some bureaucratic loophole in the charter of this organization and wanted nonstop wish fulfillment to the tune of nine trips to Walt Disney World for himself and his family of five, a real live F14 Tomcat, which had to be decommissioned from Afghanistan, and daily hot dog lunches with Yankee slugger Johnny Damon, as well as untold hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on fire trucks, dump trucks, regular trucks, and you know, the kid doesn't even drive.
Unbelievable.
Listen to how he responds to all this. You don't want delicious to ever end. Can you imagine? Is there only himself to think of?
And joining us now here is Make-A-Wish Foundation President Dean Feinglass. Dean, our sympathies to you today, buddy. You are really in a bind, aren't you? We sure are, but our slogan is, a promise is a promise. Because of that, our hands are pretty much tied right now. So Dean, what have you thought of to do to fight this situation?
Well, we had gotten a pro bono legal team, and of course, Chad found out about it, and guess what? He wished away our legal team.
It's very clever. He's got all the bases covered. Yeah. Every day I go in there, and it's more outrageous than the day before. Is there anything our viewers can do to help? There is. They can send donations. We're asking just about for anything. I mean, if they have 10-speed bicycles, volleyball sets, I mean connections with celebrities. The worst case is that we continue to grant Chad, day after day, his unlimited wishes from now until the day he dies. Well, and we can only hope that that's coming soon. Well, unfortunately, Make-A-Wish is now responsible for the best oncology care for Chad, as that was one of his first wishes. Wow, this kid thinks of everything, doesn't he? Yes.
Best of luck to you. We're hoping for you. Thanks a lot.
A new campaign from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is already having a big impact on the way teens view smoking. Let's take a look. Are they smoking or are they gay? It's the gayest smoke.
And joining us here in the studio this morning is the director of this new PSA campaign, Dr. Michael Gaines. Doctor, thanks for stopping by today. Thanks for having me.
Now, I've seen a lot of anti-smoking ads that talk about the health risks, but these are completely different. Yes, well, we found those old tactics just weren't working because they weren't relevant to teens. That's exactly right. These new ads talk to kids in their own language.
We're saying, understand, if you choose to smoke, people are going to make fun of you for looking like a queer. Really? And we're also pushing Congress to replace the warnings on cigarette packages with more effective ones. Well, look at that. Great idea. Well, it looks like you've got another PSA to show us here.
Don't be a faggot. Don't smoke.
Well, extraordinary work, Dr. Gaines. Absolutely. More campaigns about teenage drinking that show how getting drunk leads to making out with your same-sex friends and seat belt ads that show how dangerous it is to be free to prance around like a fairy inside the car. Great idea. Wonderful. Now, you're going to love this.
Our producers actually found some YouTube videos that show just how effective your campaign's been. Let's have a look.
I mean, I used to smoke, but then I didn't want everyone to think I'm a gay homo. I had to wait in line behind this gay guy buying cigarettes who couldn't get his change out of his gay pocket. I was like, don't smoke in front of me, gay one. Did I want to watch that? I don't want to smoke because I don't want to look like a cock magnet.
That's amazing. Now, I have to say these ads are geared toward the boys. Oh, good point. What about the girls? Oh, yes. We have a glossy magazine campaign for the girls that features ten full-page ads with a woman smoking while welding, smoking while driving a big rig, smoking while working construction.
Wonderful. Dr. Michael Gaines, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you.
And you stick around because coming up after the break, we're going to be visited by a singer-songwriter who's going to teach us how to write lyrics to songs that sound like they're about sea creatures but are actually about sex. Now we're going to get some expert advice from Melissa Donnelly. She's the author of the new book, Rekindling Your Relationship with Your Cat.
Good morning, Melissa. Good to see you. Hi there. Hi, Melissa.
Now, we all know cat owner relationships can fizzle over time. Yes. When you first meet your cat, it's all so fun and new, and you bring him back to your apartment, and the two of you play with string day and night, and you think I'm not alone anymore. That's the honeymoon period. Right. But then time passes. Yes. I've been playing with my tuxedo cat, Thomas, for about six years, and then one day I suddenly realized he would rather sit on the dining room table and clean his anus than curl up on the futon like I used to. So the spark is gone. Yeah, it sounds pretty lonely.
Yeah. It is. But, you know, you can spice things up again. Well, tell us how to do that, Melissa. Yeah. Well, the first tip is play with your cat. Oh, okay. That's simple enough. Yeah. Like you used to. In the book, I recommend putting a magazine over your cat while he sleeps. Oh, that's a good idea. Okay. So that when he wakes up, he moves the magazine away. Okay. Yeah. Just keep it going until it feels natural again. It's all about opening the lines of communication because cats can be very passive-aggressive. Right. You know that. Right.
I mean, if he's disappointed in you for failing to stand up to your sister, he's not going to tell you. He's going to vomit on the floor in front of the phone. Well, that's his way of communicating. So it's up to you to open up.
Jim, that's exactly right, and this is what I'm trying to say is talk to your cat. Talk to your cat.
Okay. So what's this?
Love yourself and your cat will follow. Well, Jim, you know, cats hate neediness, so you have to exude confidence, you know, and a way to do that is to wear some sexy lingerie under your sweatpants. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, you'll feel sexier and your cat will respond to the positive energy. Oh, they will pick up on the vibe.
Oh, sure. And, you know, sometimes you should take control, too. You know, when you're feeling the mood, you can be a little aggressive, give his tail a few playful tugs, or if he should walk in while you're taking a bubble bath, you want to reward his curiosity, you know, blow some bubbles at him or pretend you're drowning just to see what he does. You know, you find out what works for you. Yeah, it sounds like such an intimate moment. Yes, it is. The last tip that I would like to leave everybody with is take the time to make special moments every day. Oh, that sounds like such important advice. Yeah, sure.
You want to sit down and eat dinner with your cat and not in front of the TV. No. You want to eat out of the same bowl.
Okay. All right.
Or if you want to get really wild, another thing you can do is wipe tuna all over your face and just let him lick it off. Oh, spicy, spicy.
Now, Melissa, what happens if you've tried all of your tips, and they're great tips, but this cat still doesn't respond. Should you give it away? No, no, no, no. You just want to get more cats. The more cats you have, the more chances you have of being loved by them.
Right. Melissa, thank you so much. I'm going to send this book to my step sister. Oh, she'll love it. Terrific. All right, moving on now.
We've managed to get some of the Jonas Brothers DNA, and we're going to let you at home vote on what we do with it. Remember the movie E.T.? We all love that movie, right? The little kid who befriends an alien from outer space. Love that movie. Okay, we have a young man right here in our studio who actually found his own E.T. while he was on vacation with his family.
Say hello to 11-year-old Thomas Deming from Duluth, Minnesota, and his magical friend. Hi, Thomas. Hello. Good morning.
This is such an exciting story. How did you find this little guy? Well, I heard some noises in the bushes. Right. So I went out to see what it was, and I just found it. A wrinkled, hunched up little brown E.T. He was so lost and confused, and it was talking really fast in its space language, like beep boop boop. I just knew I had to help it.
That's great. Oh, that is so sweet.
So you snuck it back home, and you hid it in your closet for how long? Three weeks. I fed it Reese's Pieces, so it wouldn't get hungry. Good thinking. Wow. Oh, I wish I could understand you, little buddy. Thomas, your parents had no idea you had this little guy hidden away under your sweaters.
Yeah, but one day my dad heard him making these crying sounds. I think maybe that's how it breathes, because he cries all the time. Were you worried then that your parents might make you send it back to his home planet?
Yeah, but then I showed them how I taught it some English. Oh, cool. They were really impressed. Do you want to hear some English? Sure, absolutely. E.T. English. English.
Phone home. Oh, look at that. Phone home, just like in the movie.
Oh, that's terrific. That's wonderful.
I wish I could talk people language more than just phone home, though I don't understand it. Dad says I have to hide it. So if I take it outside, I always put it in my dad's clothes, so it looks like a little movie.
What a great idea, yeah. I think you brought a photo with you, too. Oh, how cute.
Yeah, me, too, was supposed to make my bike fly, but it didn't, so it fell off. I was really breathing really hard after that.
Oh, he's doing the finger thing. He's doing the finger thing.
Oh, look at that. Sit, sit, E.T., sit. It's okay, little buddy, it's okay. Look at that. Have some more of your Reese's Pieces. Oh, good idea. Of course. You've got him so well trained. That's great. Reese's Pieces. Thomas, what's he doing now? Oh, look at that. He's been doing that a lot lately.
I think it's how it communicates with its home world. You know, Thomas, it must be just a tremendous responsibility to be taking care of your own E.T. all by your young self, right? Yeah, I guess. Well, maybe it would be a better idea if someone took care of it for you, and then you wouldn't have to worry anymore. What do you think?
And we've got friends here at Today Now, Thomas, that would like to come and just have a little chat with your E.T. All that you do is just ask them some questions. Thomas, have a seat, have a seat. Well, I guess we all learned a very valuable lesson about friendship today, didn't we? And stay with us, because coming up after the break, we're going to ask the important question, do our dogs know enough about our founding fathers? |
cracked | 8_places_you_ll_recognize_from_the_background_of_every_movie | places recognize I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious no I'm Sid I thought you were dead and you're right here that's not me what happened to you I got a wife you got a dig you do have a dig don't you yes oh that I that I actually can't explain right I'm sure you can love it's a mother why is this happening I send you guys money worried about the delivery pollens aren't human Jim hold your fire who the hell are you excuse me mr. tagging sir but I sure do hate to see you like this what if me and the boys was shoot that did would that pick you up sir mr.
Holmes polishes for something you like this the door is for intruders Lara these men are from mi6 yes I can tell from their soft hands and pressed suits watch out for the water May 23rd was a Wednesday now they're only pictures in my head well all right but if you're not back in an hour I'll be fine you'll be fine I'm sure this sort of thing happens all the time a patrol car I'll be by any minute that's your uncle Ethan oh my god and he knows he knows he knows what this is tell me you're just in a hurry to see me and there's no bad news I was just in a hurry to see you and that's what an asshole you don't put this on I'd rather freeze hey what's wrong with this picture I'm giving him no money yes I'm here to fill out a signature card for a new account and do you know your account number no sir I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money kind of reminds me of one of those what do you call it inkblot tests oh but I'm giving piano lessons again you are ow oh ow |
dropout | hardly_working_school_spirit | Oh! Oh, and apparently your old college Dartmouth has a game against Canby University tonight. Yeah, whatever, I never really went in for any of that school spirit horse shit anyway. There he is, Percy. There's that frog-brained Dartmouth man. We heard there was one of your ilk here. Canby's going to lick you good tonight. Uh, what? You are a Dartmouth man, are you not?
That haven for troglodytes buried in the dank New Hampshire woods like some sort of forgotten sanitarium. Back in our college days we used to kidnap your undergrads and hold them rump side north, trembling and trouserless from the edge of their hall of languages until they defecated their own dangling faces from fear.
Alright. Scrub a dub dub. You'll never get the Dartmouth filth out of your fingernails. Can you guys link me along? Why, that sort of anti-social attitude would never be allowed in the Candy Men's Club. Come, Finster, let's show him the candy shake. Don't.
Well, what do you think? Do your dicks have to be out? Yeah, you wanted to see me? Oh, we didn't request the meeting. Your dean did. Really?
You've been made a fool of! Come, come, it is but a harmless jest. Don't let these monkeys shine, sour your puss.
Ribbing is one of Canby's greatest traditions. Why, who could forget the time we replaced old Professor Cheshoot's rubbing salve with pomade?
Can you imagine?
Ferma, Finster, clench your buttocks. Nope. Ah, the Dartmouth boy has come to challenge Canby's best man in a grappling match. To the floor with you, we'll see who's the greater Cocksmith. Not so fast, Finster. We must warm up first. Where do you keep our oiled boy? Our what? No matter. We have our own. Hermes! Ah, a real slippery lad, he. Don't be shy. We'll clasp you yet. And Father said I would never be mad enough for the trading floor. |
cracked | scott_bug_q_a_cure_for_cancer | Professor, I heard we're close to curing cancer. In your eyes, what's the most exciting aspect of that field? The most exciting thing to me is the possibility of it all, right?
So we have, as I've explained, we have many telescopes around the globe, and they're all pointing up and down and all around, right? And we have one telescope in particular called No More Cancer Colon, the telescope. And what it does, it points up and it slowly turns back and forth as the sun spinsies and aroundsies. And what it's doing is it's looking for, like, anything.
Perhaps we'll find a planet with aliens who can help us with the whole cancer thing, you know? We can assume if there are aliens, some of them might be a little more advanced than us, and maybe they'll have figured it out. Or we'll look into the deadness of space out here, and we'll go, hmm, that's sort of, like, cancer-y. Maybe we can use that information. Or we're looking over here.
This is the same telescope, it's just like a different part of the day, right? And it looks out, and maybe there's something out there that says, here I am, the cause of cancer. And what we would do in that case is we would transform the telescope into a sound boomer, right? And we would send out a message that says, hey, you cancer, you start. It's stay out there, stay over there, no more over here, right? That would be pretty exciting, too. Or let's say it's, like, a couple hours later, and here's the telescope instead. And it's pointing this way. Maybe we'll see an asteroid, and maybe on that asteroid there'll be, like, a sign that just says, cure for cancer. That would be incredible. And so we would do the sound thing, right? And we would shout, hey, you cure for cancer?
You get on over here. Come on, come on. Oh, you here. You, not over there, you're here.
And hopefully, you know, it'll just sort of, like, woo, back to the Earth, and then we'll have it. That is the most exciting aspect of the research that I could say. But then again, I've never, ever, ever looked into it. So... |
dropout | senior_beer | I can't believe we're all going off to college. I can hardly even remember senior year.
More like senior beer. We had a lot of beers this year, guys. More like we had a lot of beers this beer. Yeah. I'm going to miss you guys. Any friends I make in college are going to have some pretty big shoes to fill. More like pretty big booze to swill. Man, we had like a million beers this year. More like we had a million beers this beer.
Okay, guys, stop. All right, I'm trying to be serious and you keep using the same year beer pun. More like the same beer beer pun. Sorry, I'm late, fellas. Just had to pick up a few frat sodas, if you know what I mean. Beers! Okay, here's to three of the best buds. More like three of the best suds. Okay, some may say we're demented. More like fermented, like beer.
Okay, I'm done with the stupid toast. More like you're done with the stupid coast-er.
Why would I ever use a coaster when I never put down my beer? I just drank it. Are you kidding? More like are you fitting me for a belt that expands when I drink beer? Because if so, get me the biggest size, all right? Because I plan on drinking some motherfucking beer. All right, come on.
Man, we drank so many beers this beer. Oh, it's the cops. More like it's the hops, you know, like the ingredient in beer, right? Well, well, well. Boy, he's going to look 21. You been drinking? No, officer, I wasn't. More like a drusen. Drusen being a mix between drunk and pleasant, as in it's pleasant to be drunk. Gotta love beer.
Still under arrest. Oh, fuck my dick off. And how do you plead? Not guilty.
More like hot kilty. Because Irish people are known for wearing kilts and drinking beer. And drinking beers quickly makes you hot. And I like drinking beer quickly.
I find you all guilty. We don't belong in here! We don't belong in the here! |
cracked | why_two_cracked_editors_have_to_die | Hey Kyle, what it's been three years, dude. Help me out sat next to you for three years Paul.
No, Thomas. No, Mark. No Michael, sorry.
Yeah. All right. Hey Dan.
How come the site won't come up? Is it cuz I typed the address of my wiener? Where is everybody cuz my hands are full of tiny dogs I didn't ask why where is everybody and all the Like things you're no help at all here tech support They are fumigating this building again, and they forgot to tell us I oh I'm gonna die in agony yeah that all my love My Michael what did you read the obituary today yet?
How you start your day? Yeah?
I never really learned how to be happy, but look at this it says we died Sure, I remember that who says I don't Michael. We didn't die here We are but it says we were shot in the face an hour ago both of us by some Rugged like a like a hot berry pepper Sorry, I'm late T-bone He's gonna drop through one of these ceiling vents and kill you guys over an hour ago But these vents are like a foot wide and I got stuck wait you're Gorgeous no Yeah, yes, but what I'm gonna say was you're supposed to be dead it was dead I thought you were dead. I knew it was one of the other like us Deaf buddies no not like us. We're here, but t-bone. You're dead. We buried you I went to your funeral beginning to suspect the credibility of the modern American obituary our t-bone is dead. I'm his twin brother Bitone listen the whole crack project is being terminated, and I'm here to deliver your severance from life Wait terminated. Yeah, it means dead stupid like that movie eraser You'll be me Did you see that this is much bigger than either of you idiots can comprehend kind of like my Ah Thought it was coffee It's really easy you'd think my death perception to be off, but just no learning curve at all Are you sure it really looks like he killed for the last time Michael you are not dead trust me wherever whenever it happens I will know about it. He killed our identical clones from the broke office.
What are they doing here? I Presaging our deaths come on Oh, hey, can you fit through that vent beatos said they're only a foot wide right can you I don't want to presume anything maybe I'll have to make a lot of laser battle sounds though fine. Do it. Just be quick about it Okay time in Man you're like a trapdoor spider realize how many random employees have dragged into this room No, where did they go away? Yeah, we are spending too much time together. That's but wait away. Did you kill all of our co-workers geez? Someone's been reading too many obituaries. Yeah, he doesn't know how to be hey. Don't just say it No, I sent everyone I grabbed home early like half day Most of them wet their pants, so I figured that some trauma lead was in order wait wait a minute What about the computers and the fax machine everything's gone there was some looting soon as I armed the perimeter people started to panic The sheep can smell it. There's murder in the wind any more questions time is short Do we get paid for the full day one? What what is happening to why is the site down three? Who is B tone and why is he trying to kill us tell them Sarge well? I figured that I could just shave a few hours off everyone's vacation pay But just pay them for the whole day not that tell them why for the sake of the world They'd have to die. Oh Again time out |
dropout | inside_mike_trapp_s_gross_new_animated_series | Hey kids, remember, everything you're about to learn is real. WTF, uh, sorry, what the fuck 101. Ours is an uncensored platform. Comes from some of this territory that we've been playing around with lately, which is the truth made more fun. I loved the Magic School Bus books when I was a kid. It just seemed like a natural melding of things of like, yeah, we should learn about this stuff. And it's funny if it's like a mix of this horrifying, gross shit and the calm innocence of like children's TV. This is the primo shit.
Where are we? Or should we say, when are we?
No, you shouldn't, who talks like that? Instead of a well-funded classroom, it's kind of a shitty public high school where everything's falling apart. We're in detention instead of in a normal class and our teacher delights in sharing the worst history and science with their students. The world is a crazy place and being able to learn that and share that with people is fun. That's the most fucked thing anyone has said today.
So Mindy is like the class know-it-all, kind of like social justice warrior. She does a really great job of sort of tapping into that, like standing on a soapbox. I've got something to say and always getting like smacked down. Okay, well, this is just toxic masculinity in action. Well, women's dueling has an interesting history, too.
Oh shit, no, no, no, I didn't. Jason is a troubled child. Oh, me? Oh, very good. He's just a cautious follower and participant in these crazy adventures. And they're actually going through with this dumbass plan? Oh yes!
River is a cool kid, like a monotone stoner, probably gay teen. This is fucking dumb as hell. River does a lot of drugs. I think maybe that's the only thing that I would have in common with River. River, is there something you wanted to add?
We're not real, we're just drawings.
Jesus, she's all drugged up again. Brad is sort of a big dumb idiot.
That's a cat. Affirmative. He plays sports, came in like, uh-oh, the quadrant floor with this just absolutely insane voice. That's just sort of like weird, like New York gangster kind of thing.
Wait, there's one thing I still don't understand. What is a clitoris?
We all know each other, we're all friends with each other, so it led for like a fun room when we're all doing a group recording together and you can hear everyone, like, a lot of screaming, a lot of screaming, a lot of grunts and gross outs, you know, it's all our friends together going, ahh, grr, grr, at the same time. If you're the kind of family that's cool with your kids seeing like nudity and violence and a baby hyena bursting out of a clitoris, then this show is definitely for you. And if you're a less cool family that doesn't want to expose your child to that kind of stuff, then, you know, I suppose the way you want to raise your kids is up to you, but you're just shielding them from the truth. |
dropout | the_roast_of_facebook | But now, people spend an average of three hours a day on Facebook. Of course, for two hours and 54 minutes of that, they're trying to figure out their privacy settings. Seriously, Facebook collects so much personal information, he's going to be on an upcoming episode of Hoarders.
He stacks up ad keywords like they're back issues of natural geographic. But hey, your ads could be worse, look at Myspace. You're more desperate to make money than a JDate user.
Guys, somebody call a janitor, a 14-year-old girl, puked all over the stage.
Oh, sorry, that's just Myspace. Myspace, what a fucking disaster. Myspace between my balls and my anus gets more hits than you. Alright, let's remember who we're roasting here. Facebook, you know how I know the social network was a lie?
It made Mark Zuckerberg interesting. That guy really puts the ass in Asperger.
Seriously, Myspace, you look like shit. Hey, I thought that shit hole had a character limit. Facebook, you ruthless motherfucker.
You screwed over more rich white guys than the Wednesday night lineup at the Hustler Club. But who am I to judge? You're huge.
The only thing more popular than your like button is Myspace's delete account button. Myspace. Thank God for failed musicians because without them, you'd just be a failed website. Now for my jokes about Facebook. Some scientists found Facebook might cause depression. No wonder the website's blue. Gizmodo.com thinks you're not technically competent enough to be trusted.
Isn't that, that's something, right?
Don't you use Facebook Connect now? I don't want to talk about it. Hey, hey, remember when Facebook's third party apps leaked all that user info? What are you, a website or the Titanic cause of the leak?
Downvote.
Come on guys, Princeton, you know what I'm talking about. Hey, I'm just working tonight man. And that's my 231st joke about poking so, okay guys, where are, where are you guys going?
I have so many more of these. |
dropout | what_s_your_worst_roommate_story | And that resulted in this, like, enormous fight. Junior, senior year, I lived in an apartment building with six other guys. One day, one of my roommates, whose name I'm going to make up, we'll call him Maximilian, was buying illegal drugs from his illegal drug dealer. And Maximilian was a very awkward dude, and we all made fun of him for it. Today was no different. He was being super awkward with this dealer.
Now, I've just gotten out of the shower, and I'm wearing a towel. But I couldn't waste a moment getting downstairs to make fun of Maximilian. He gets tired of it, so he's over by the front door, and he says, Ha, ha, ha. Oh, Grant, there's a package over here for you. And so I go over to the door, and Maximilian grabs the towel, pulls it off, pushes me out of the apartment, and locks the door. So now I'm standing in the hallway of the apartment building just totally naked. The elevator door opening.
There's the drug dealer who just left. He says, Oh, shit, man. I'm sorry.
I left my book inside. I'd been pounding on the door and listening to everybody laugh. And then I started really pounding on the door. They eventually open the door.
I sprint in, and I hear the drug dealer, you know, come in, get his book, and say, Oh, man, you guys are crazy. And then he stopped selling us weed.
My worst rooming experience was with a woman who had a dog, and she told me when I moved in that the dog knew how to use the bathroom. In reality, what that meant is that the dog would piss on wee wee pads she left in the bathroom and take a shit near and around the toilet. When I was in college, I had two roommates, one of which was Shelby. When she initially moved in, I told Shelby, Hey, we can't have any animals here. And she was like, Oh, I want pets. And I was like, cool story.
No pets. So one day when I was coming back from school, I came into the apartment and there was no one there. I remember just being like hearing this like squeaking noise like and I started yelling like Shelby, I really like asking if anyone's home. No one's home.
And I was like, Oh, shit. It's coming from Shelby's room. Unannounced. I just opened the door. And when I opened the door, it like reeked of some shit. It was like awful.
And there was a kitten on the ground and it was like running at me. And I screamed because I was so nervous. And I look in the corner and there's a fucking parrot. I was freaking out and I closed the door and I was like, I need to find a new roommate.
My worst roommate experience happened. One of the summers when I was in college and I was interning in New York City, I lived with two Yale girls, Kristin and Sam. They were just like the most privileged people I had ever met. It was very different for me. I was not used to people living like that.
Around this time, I started realizing I wanted to be a comedy writer. So I started writing a blog. I was mentioning them quite a lot in the blog.
It was basically Kristin and Sam themed. But the stories were like all made up. Very clearly like exaggerations. They found them and they did not see them as comedy posts.
I was a mean monster. We had a confrontation and there was a lot of yelling, but then it seemed like it was going to be cool. I went back to my desk. They went back to their things. So I decided to write a status about the situation on Facebook, about how awkward it was. And then I hear Katie and I turn and Kristin is standing right behind me, reading what I've written. And that resulted in this like enormous fight.
She ended up crying and going to the RA. I remember my explanation for why I didn't get along with her was like so immature. I was just like, she's a bitch. I don't like her. She told her side of the story, but she was like crying. So she got like sympathy points.
It turns out that I was their worst roommate. They sent me to my own dorm room, which was like for the bad girls that had rats in it. I don't want them seeing me like and thinking I'm apologizing because I'm absolutely not apologizing.
Cool. Feels worse. Okay. Uh, thanks for watching. |
dropout | When_Your_Friend_s_Weekend_Plans_All_Sound_Terrible | Dang, it's almost the weekend, I don't have any plans yet. Oh yeah, same here. Well, I have some ideas but I don't know if anyone else would be into them, they're kind of Katy things. Oh, like what were you thinking? Well, these bands aren't for everyone, but Maroon 5, Jason Mraz, and The Fray are putting on a secret concert Saturday afternoon. Yeah, no sorry, I'm not really into those bands. Yeah, same here. Okay, yeah, I figured.
I was also considering going to a high school baseball game. Oh cool, your former high school was playing? No. Oh, so you know one of the players on one of the teams? No, I would just go to watch the teenagers. Okay, well it might be a little bit weird, all of us showing up at a high school none of us have a connection to.
Yeah, that's a good point. But a sporty thing sounds fun. Yeah. Well, in that case, we could join my friend's competitive human centipede team. They're looking for players and I've been wanting to join.
Maybe I'm not into doing a sporty thing, how about we do a museum? Great idea! We should check out the Museum of Slow Computers. Ooh, that seems kind of boring.
Okay, yeah, I get it, I get it.
What about the Museum of Unfinished Quilts? I hear they have seven new incredible unfinished quilts.
Ooh, that sounds even more boring. Yeah, no, I mean I have such specific interests, they're certainly not for everyone. Okay, let's just do something low-key, how about that, huh? I love a casual hang, okay? Why don't we just stay in and put on a few kissing tutorial videos? Oh, uh, Katie, yeah, maybe not. Maybe something more productive. We could come in on Saturday and clean the office fridge? No, I want to do something fun. Oh. We could try on bicycle helmets for 12 hours!
Katie, that's a terrible idea. Okay, well does anyone else have any ideas? Why don't we go to the amusement park that only has one working ride? No, that would suck! Okay, well there's also a parade this weekend for people with long legs and short torsos. No, that idea sucks too! All your ideas suck! Oh, what about this fashion show for latex gloves? No! This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Okay, um, we could go to a dumpling festival.
Yeah! Okay! Yes, Katie! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Very good!
It's in Reno. What? No! What is wrong with you? Okay, why can't we just go to a bar or a party or something? Yeah, we could check out that silent birthday party for the coworker no one likes. Mr. Vegetable? No, we hate him! Okay, well, I've been meaning to try out this bar that only serves undrinkable wine. No! What?
Something with heart, okay? Well, that's something that's actually good, Katie. Alright, I know. We could go to the public reading of my 15-year-old neighbor's diary by her 13-year-old sister.
Oh my god! That sounds painful! Okay, um, okay, we could... I'm sorry, but those are all the ideas I have. Wow. God damn it, Katie! No one else thought of something while I was going through all of those?
No! Of course we didn't!
Really? Okay, you know what? Shut up. I'm just gonna go on Facebook and the first event I see is what we're gonna do. Yes!
And don't invite Katie because she sucks. I can't believe we ended up in a human petting zoo.
Ow!
Kiss? Kiss, kiss. Oh, no, that's gross.
Hi, it's me, child actor Katie Merrifit.
If you like College Humor and you want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a pack of animal stickers per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as full episodes of my big girl show, The Rank Room.
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Sign up for your free trial today. Okay, I'm all done. I want my mommy now. |
cracked | men_review_aka_gross_guys | That's what you're going to do. I was going to do a countdown, but I was like, I don't want to wait 30 seconds. It's one o'clock.
That is so funny, just because for people behind the scenes, Jesse was in the middle of a joke, and then George just went gunk and hit the button, and then he said his mic was muted, and he disappeared, and the countdown started, and then there was. I wish we could do that every time Jesse tried to make a joke.
Do it again. You can hit the button any time you want. Come on, do it again.
Jesse set us up. Jesse was making hate speech jokes, and so he was disparaging the people group, so I felt like I should cut. I mentioned the people group, and then I was told that that group is bad. And he was silenced. Anything you say is hateful.
Okay, so welcome to Crack Movie Club, the show where we do book club, but for movies which are like books but better, I'm your host, Jordan Brady, and I've joined by my co-hosts, Jesse and Ally.
Say hello. Hi. What's up? You know, nothing much.
Didn't sleep well. Yes, they had everybody sleep. We all saw this movie yesterday, and we all slept badly.
It was unpleasant in certain points, but I like to do this as housekeeping, which means I'll press the housekeeping button. Oh. If anybody has an observation or a question or an alternate movie title, please send it in the comments, and I will do my best to pay attention to you and also to the fine people at home. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm going to do the podcast, but I'm also not going to pay any attention to anything anybody says. Yes, I do love when Jordan fully ignores anything that we say. So it's got to be really good if I'm going to pay attention to it.
So if you got things, hey, from Nepal. Wow. I'm trying to pronounce your name. What's up? That's cool.
Is this movie out in Nepal yet? This is their number one. It's not out in the UK yet, I think. I think it's not out until June.
They made it there. Yeah. We're right near his family. Can't see him in this movie? That's insane.
We got some good movie titles already coming in, but I'm not going to spoil it. So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to recap this movie in a spoiler-free, short, terrible way. And then we're going to proceed to go ahead and spoil everything. So if you don't want it spoiled, oh, I'm not housekeeping anymore.
We're talking about men. Now we're talking about spoilers. We're talking about men.
Don't turn it off. Just leave it running, but put it on mute because we need the viewers.
Hello from Argentina. One of my favorite, shoot as a motherfucker. Shoot is in my animator. Yeah. One of our favorite animators. My favorite animators is from Argentina. They do some stuff with us. The good stuff, the good animated stuff. Hello, Zach. I'm also glad Cracked is back. So okay, there's this movie. It's called Men, right?
There are exactly four actors in the entire film. There are no extras. There's nothing except for the fifth actor might be the overbearing sense of sadness and nasty things. And I always think of the fifth character as being New York City.
We just know it's watching from afar like these. It's like, oh boy. These Brits, wacky.
And there's a woman who experiences a tragedy. And she just runs train on a bunch of men until she feels better. That's the movie. Yeah, and she definitely feels a lot better at the end of the movie.
I think so. And she's smiling for the first time in an hour. Maybe. So I've got a rom-com recap. Okay, ready?
A newly single 30-something takes a solo holiday to find herself but finds some new friends in the process. Wow, that's pretty good. She finds one friend, really. Yeah, the one guy just seems popping up.
Yeah, it's like when Harry met Sally. Their lives just keep passing. They're intersecting. It's fate. Yeah, it's Marvel Endgame for romance. But also they're all the same dude, which I guess you could argue about Marvel. They're very similar characters sometimes.
So, Ally, why did you make us watch this movie? I hate when we do this. We all chose to see this movie because it's out in theaters and we're trying to be current. Okay, we're all just trying to convince you that we are young, hip people who get out of the house and see movies.
I will say no. No, it does not pass the Bechdel test. No, certainly not. Absolutely, most definitely not.
I will say beyond just being like, hey, we had to see the movie because it's a new movie. I love Alex Garland. I feel like we have all agreed that we've all seen at least some of his catalog and been very excited by it.
Ex Machina is amazing. I love Annihilation. I know that Annihilation is sort of a polarizing movie but I am definitely team pro Annihilation. It's also the movie that made me- It's also just my philosophy. I'm just like pro Annihilation in all regards.
I've heard you talk about that before. Yeah, you guys. Let's Annihilate something.
It's also the movie that made me realize I needed glasses. I always have a special place in my heart for Annihilation because as the credits were rolling, I turned to the person next to me and I said, I think it's very brave slash an interesting choice that they put the credits behind the Shimmer. The Shimmer's a big part of the movie in Annihilation. It's like a big soap bubble looking thing. I was like, yeah, just because I feel like it's good keeping us in the world of the movie, even as we are departing the world of the movie. But I guess if I was like, grip number two, I'd be mad that my name wasn't super visible because it was behind this Shimmery wall. And they were like, Shimmery wall, what do you mean? And then put their glasses on my face. And I was like, whoa, I need glasses. So I was excited to see what this movie realized I was lacking in my life.
Was it men? Yeah, just not enough of them. What did I do? Are the men at that every time I get to one of these?
One is I want a robot sex slave after his first one. After ex machina, that's what I realized. Yeah, we all do.
You don't think that's what she is? Okay, it doesn't matter. No, she is.
That's why I was like, it's very interesting, not to like skip too far ahead, but like, I have not necessarily made it like a point to read as many reviews as possible for something until before we go to this podcast. But I did this time. I was like, yeah, really interested in the reviews.
And I was also very struck by the amount of people who did not think that ex machina was also about gender. Like they were just like, no, it's about AI technology.
And it's like, oh, baby. No, like people were just sort of like, I can't believe this came from Alex Garland. Like, it doesn't make any sense with his history. And it's like, to me, it makes such perfect sounds with this history. Like, I feel like he's been making some version of these themes in all of his movies thus far. So I did not find it like shocking that this came from the mind of Alex Garland. I don't know. Yeah.
Devs is also a female protagonist. And it's a lot of sort of power struggles and stuff. It's great. I love Devs. Devs is great too. Everybody should watch Devs.
So I mean, I feel like, I mean, this is tough, right? Because it feels like the main thing to talk about is the end of the movie. I mean, I feel like I do feel there's a lot to talk about before the end of the movie.
Oh, sure. But that's the end of the movie is the thing. Well, OK. I need to know what happened. I need someone to just plant a thought in my brain because it's not like. And you thought it all, huh? I just feel like I, OK.
I was really enjoying the movie. And I can't say I fully enjoyed the last 30 minutes. Not just because it's gross, which it kind of is. Not just because it's a lot to take in, which it is. So you know what I'm saying? I want to delineate that my lack of enjoyment wasn't just like, ew, yucky. I like horror movies. I'm not particularly grossed out by things.
Do you know what I mean? I just felt it sort of undercut some of the things it was saying in the first two thirds of the movie. Like I kind of. Which is what?
Because I have a theory that I like. I'd like to hear your theory. Hit me with a theory.
All right. So OK, so for those that are still here. Mommy and a day of each other. Spoilers are coming. Right.
So this is evident in the trailer, but every male character is played by the same man to her husband who killed himself. And at the end of the movie, one of them has dressed up. He's butt ass naked and he's all tore up and he's got pieces of tree in his head. And he runs out there and his ankle is broken just like her husband and his hand is sliced just like her husband when he killed himself.
And he gives birth. Quite literally, he splits open to himself again. And then that version gives birth to himself again. And he gives birth.
I think it's six times. Slowly. I lost count because I did at some point go. I'm going to start eating my popcorn again. And I did. And then I like looked up and it was like the last time. I was like, yeah, yeah.
And she pulls her feedback up over her eyes. So there's a few different ways to interpret this. But one of the things that I was reading that I really liked was this idea that okay, so one of the questions that comes up when you've seen the movie is, are all these men literally the same men? Are they supposed to be like, and she just doesn't notice that all men are the same or are they different men that she is seen all the same but doesn't feel the need to comment on because it's not like a horror thing. That's just like her life. Which would be weird because her husband doesn't look like them. That's a different actor.
Also, is there like a severe crime happening in the city of New York? Which is our point here.
There are so many sirens. I was hoping maybe you wouldn't be able to hear the sirens. There are a lot of sirens. There's like a Mount Sinai type thing near me. And so there's just all these sirens.
When are we gonna get those metal detectors installed in all the subways so this crime will finally stop? Yes, preach. Just kidding, I don't care. I'm in Charlottesville. You guys can do whatever you want with your crime. We have good pizza and no crime except for Nazi rallies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, if you had a metal detector. No, no, none at all. You'd feel so good here. I'm gonna pause.
Zach. What's up? Hey, Zach.
Thank you for giving us money.
Is this tied to something? Am I supposed to? I'll say whatever you want.
Super sticker. Thanks, super sticker.
Okay, so the birthing of men. John Evans, I'm about to disagree with you. Sorry. He says that it's actually just about a single abusive man and not about how all men suck.
Go back and watch it slower. I don't want to because that birth scene takes forever. It took a long time. I don't know if I could watch it slower.
The idea. Alright, so the first thing is that Alex Garland, and this is in interviews, he noticed or it's this phenomenon.
There's these pagan idols to this thing called the green man, which is ultimately what what naked ass man becomes. Which is ultimately what Charlie Kelly becomes when they drink outside of a football game. There's that version of green man too. But one of the weird things is that this green man, whatever is often associated with this freaky woman giving birth thing statue as well. And a lot of these, for whatever reason, all ended up in medieval churches, like Catholic churches, which presumably do not worship the green man and or this like the woman of.
Yeah, I wrote down what it was called. Sheila nagig is the female side of the coin. Okay, you expect me to believe that Catholicism borrowed from pagan religions. I don't mostly mostly for parties. Your Easter is your Christmases. No, and so. Okay, so is that that's why he's the green man, sort of it's this weird primal crazy pagan thing. But the idea somebody was saying is that.
Okay, so one of the things about all these men is that they each represent different ways that women are sort of controlled by men in life. There's law enforcement. There's like, just kind of strange men. I don't know.
There's just a lot of like, little kids are. Yeah, kids are shitty. The priest is shitty. Like everybody, there's just a lot of little things. Some are obviously more aggressive than others.
And the way it's tied to a little bit, if you notice right before Jeffrey walks out, he says, he's like, you're damsel in distress. I got to help you out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And and he says, you're failed. You've got all the features of a failed military man. And I'll add you on TikTok, Zach, I'll make a note.
And basically, it's this little premonition of how men have also been affected by this and it's carried through the centuries. So it's sort of how men have constantly been in power in many different ways.
But ultimately, they think we, I guess, have been getting shittier and weaker as we go. And so ultimately, it gets to the most pathetic form. So it used to be clubbing women over the head and you drag them to your cave. And it continued and it had to get smarter and clever until it sort of manifests in her husband who's like, just love me, please. Or else I'm gonna kill myself.
Do you mean by in power, you mean not like of the world. You mean of relationships with women or just? No, just all of it. So it just, it started out more primal and simpler, but then essentially for, I know it's a little buzzy, but like toxic masculinity ruins both people, right? And the sins of the father, if you will, carry down generation to generation, but the world changes. And so it's like those things don't work like they used to, but they're still expected to be in control and their dads are still telling them that they're weak pieces of shit. Yes. But ultimately, it kind of ends up in her husband who's like, I can't control the woman.
I punch her in the face. That doesn't work. I kill myself.
All I wanted was like love, quote unquote, and was trying to control her with that. Like he says so many, he throws so many things back at her. Like, you're ruining my life and like, you know, all this stuff.
And so that's what it's supposed to be. It's like you start with the primalist man, which is green man or whatever. And I would need to rewatch it to go back through and see what they are. But each successive birth is a weaker, shittier person. And that's why it gets to the end.
And it's modern man, her husband, who she's like, what do you want from me? Like, why are you torturing me? And he's like, oh, I'm not. I'm actually just here to say, please love me. I am totally emasculated in a general sense.
That's kind of like the general point of that scene. I like that. Okay, so I really liked the first two thirds. I didn't love the last third. Again, not just because I was like, it was gross, but like I kind of felt it undersold the point that I felt it was trying to tell me. And this is why. Again, I saw this movie last night.
I like really wish I'd had more time to chew on it. You know, when sometimes you know you're expected to say something smart in a conversation, you're like, oh, no, please God, don't let me have to be smart in this situation. So like, I feel a responsibility to like say something insightful. You do have to speak for all women. I am like still like chewing on this, like very difficult movie. But okay, so this is the best I've got for you right now.
The reason I liked the beginning of the movie is because it is showing you that this idea of misogyny is just like kind of baked into the foundation of things, right? It's like it's baked into how laws are enforced. It's baked into how women are perceived. It's baked into religion. And so it's why life can suck to be a woman, but it's also like why these cycles become sort of inescapable.
Because like when a woman goes to a vicar to be talking about her feelings truthfully and he tells her, I want you to expose your true feelings. And then he's able to like shame her by being like, yay, what we agree is that it's your fault. And that like, he says like, men just hit women sometimes, don't they? Right? Like, and it was like shocking. And it's like, it's not because that one guy is just a shitty guy. It's because in his profession and in this religion, it is sort of just kind of become justified that that's what they do.
And so at the end of the movie, when fully formed men were being born and they were immediately murderous, to me, I was kind of like, so are men just bad? Because I don't think that that's a particularly helpful perspective because if what I'm saying is, hey, it doesn't feel safe to report violent crime or stalking to the police because the police have set it up in a very misogynistic way. If we can just accept men are bad, that'll never change. If men just hit women, then men will just always hit women. And there's no reason for us to ever strive for something better or to dismantle these like systems of oppression. Because if I'm just supposed to believe, hey, just men are shitty, what am I gonna do about it?
That's how they come out. Yeah, all you can do is slowly back away. And then when your violent husband sits down bloody on the couch next to you, you gotta sit down next to him and have a chat.
And so if that isn't what the end of the movie was like intending, okay, cool. Again, it was really difficult and I'm sure there's so many ways to contextualize the weird art sequence that it is, because it's not like really happening. Do you know what I'm saying? So I'm sure somebody else out there is being like, I can't believe that's what she thought about the movie. I thought this. So it's like, okay, fair. The movie's crazy. But I don't know.
I feel like it sort of dismantles your argument that misogyny is a thing we can unwire if men are just bad. So, okay, I totally get what you're saying. I think the thing that's difficult and we are attracting some of the spiciest commenters. Oh, thank you all. I don't even wanna say spicy. There is some straight up like. With your hot takes about we should have more women in the army. Good God. Somebody use, wait, somebody, I don't even wanna shine a spotlight on this, but somebody is using Greek letters to describe the classes of men and immediately they've been blocked. I'm done. Get them out of here. Yeah. This is exciting. I don't speak Greek. It doesn't matter. I think the thing though, I totally understand what you're saying.
I think the problem is that ultimately we're watching a horror movie, right? And it's like a dreamlike pastiche of horror images and stuff.
And I think it would be too easy and also maybe undercut it a little bit. It's not trying to make all the points at the same time. So it would be weird if Jeffrey is like, and by the way, he guns the other versions of himself in the head and he's like, I'm the one that's most fully evolved.
And I did save you. That moment where we get to see him being a victim as young as the age of seven to a shitty thing his dad said about the expectations of masculinity. He's what, 60, 50 something? And to this day, the thing he remembers the most is something shitty his dad said when he was seven, intimating that he wasn't man enough.
That's why I'm saying the movie to me seemed to be saying like, hey, can we please be aware that this stuff is baked into the very air we breathe and how we interact with people and what we say to little boys and what we say to little girls and how we trust people. And if we don't start to see it as a pattern, we can't like unweave the shitty tapestry we're weaving. Do you know what I mean? And so for me, I do believe that. And I do think there's something more interesting to say about like dismantling systems than there is about just being like, I think men are bad. Do you know what I mean? I don't know.
Like, and that's why the end of the movie, I guess it was because they were fully formed. Like, that's like the imagery that stayed with me is that like when the men came out, they weren't babies. They were fully formed huge men and they were like immediately needy and they were immediately violent. And I was like, ah, I don't know if I- They felt more pathetic and needy than violent in that moment because they were sort of stalking after her. But I think as soon as they were born, especially after their first birth, as soon as they were born, they were in pain because they were about to give birth to the next one. Yeah, they were so big. They were so huge.
But also, but there's also a very stark change in her demeanor because she was suddenly no longer scared. She was like almost annoyed. She's like, fuck, all right.
I gotta go to retreat to this room now. I have another guy. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, so there is something about that where it's like when they're finally like fully laid bare, when you finally see what's happening in this system, it's just gross and pathetic. And like she could have murdered them, either each one of them successively or maybe just put a stop to it. But she was just like, ah, it's gotta like, I'm just gonna let this play out. As one would. I'll let him do it. I do feel like that's why it's a little bit more nuanced. And I read an interview with Paste magazine, where I used to write with the woman.
Jessie Buckley.
Gotta get to give her name. And she was kind of saying, the reason that she was drawn to this movie is because she didn't really read it as feminist, per se. She just read it as very nuanced.
And kind of like what you're hinting at, it seems to suggest there is kind of almost a thing outside of everyone affecting all of us. Like there was one asshole 2000 years ago that was mean to his kid. And like, we're still dealing with it. Right. And like, I don't think, or I think it would behoove everybody not to think of, hey, that way of raising kids kind of fucks up men and women as being a feminist issue. It should just be like a thing. And we should like be able to talk about it and be like, oh yeah, you're right. That does kind of drive men into weird isolated places where they do things we shouldn't have them do. I wonder if that did start as young as how we socialized them. But that has become a like, very like, oh, here comes feminist issues. It's like, why is that a feminist issue? Like, I just don't want kids to grow up and be bad.
Like, you know what I'm saying? And I want to clarify really quick. Almost everything we've said so far is like implied.
Totally.
The movie itself, you don't know what the hell is going on 99% of the time.
I mean, it's truly. And that's generous. It's truly, it's just tons of, and this is one of the things that I really appreciated and the thing that I like about Alex Garland in general is the imagery is so striking.
And I was sitting there being like, man, how do you film it so that the saturation levels are that high? Oh my god, the green trees being so gorgeous and like the red. That's what I thought was so awesome is that her clothes, she had to just walk through this incredible like field of flowers and still look very, very drab. Like, you know, her skin tones are a little bit desaturated for lack of a better term. I don't know if they like are cutting her out or what, but I was like, I know.
I mean, I really think Alex Garland is like a spectacular filmmaker and like I'm still very glad I saw this movie because I think I'm going to think about it for a really long time, whether or not I ever make any effort to ever see it again, or if I ever think of it as positively as I think about something like Annihilation. I do think it's like important to see movies just because like when somebody who is as good a director as Alex Garland is, it's like a miracle that these movies get made. And so like if you like movies, I do think you should see this even if you fucking hate it. Like he's a person who's like, he's not half-assing a movie. This guy like he put it all into this movie. And so like whether or not you like it, whether or not you agree with it, I don't really care. I still think you should see it because like it's a true filmmaker putting something on film and it's like it's incredible when a movie like that can get made.
Again, I'm telling you that I still don't really totally know how I feel about it. So I'm really not trying to get people to see it to be like, take in the message. It's just like, I don't totally know if I got the message. Like I think you should see it and decide for yourself.
But like, yeah, it is such a good filmmaker. It is possible. We are 100% wrong.
He's like, no, no, no, the enemy was this woman trying to stop all these men. They were just trying to say hi. They were just trying to help. Just like a woman to stab us. But we're just trying to just trying to stick my hand in the mailbox.
But something else that is like so good about the movie that I think is like unusual is that like, this is not a movie with like jump scares like at all. And like a lot of the horror takes place in broad daylight, which is like very cool.
And like I know people will be like, well, what's it called? What was that one? Midsummer. And I was like, Midsummer did that too. But it's like, there's just like a spoiler alert.
There's a moment where like the guy who's been stalking her is just like standing at her window. And it's like broad daylight in the view outside is gorgeous and pastoral and lovely. And it's just like this like very de-settling stark contrast of like this unwell naked man standing at her window against this like beautiful English garden.
And it's like it's really very interesting. And it's like really interesting filmmaking at the very least.
You know what I noticed also to that end there's something about like the windows and looking out at the view. And specifically when Jeffrey first says it's a beautiful view, isn't it? You don't see the view right away. You see you're looking into the house at her as if in some way she's the view. But also you might notice in at least two of the rooms of the interior windows are all lined with white except for two on each wall that are lined with black. So it actually kind of looks like eyeballs looking in the room.
There's a lot of really cool stuff around that. There's a lot of like ovary sort of imagery or like what it was like the apples and the grapefruit and stuff like that. All these like there's all that stuff.
And then there's the dandelion, which is the opposite of that. Exactly. Someone's got to explain to me that. Why is the green man blowing seeds at her? So here's let me let me do a quick bullet point of the things I didn't get about that. So he blows seeds at her.
Fine. Everything goes slow mo.
She sucks one in. So she's ingested the seed.
I'm sure that means something specific. But then I don't know. I have no idea.
From that point on, there are like two of her. There's like split versions of her, even not not in quite the same way as with the men. But but there seems to be she'll do one thing and then she'll have a flashback to the same moment doing something slightly different.
Yeah. So when she actually escapes the house, a second later, it shows her staying in the house. Right. And then it's like another shot and she's further down the road closer to the car. Yeah.
So what's that? And what does that have to? That only started when she's sucked in the seed. What does it mean?
I mean, there's a lot of stuff with time that doesn't like make sense in this movie, like at all. Like, do you remember that like there's a long shot of a deer decaying?
Yeah. Yes. And so but it's like also happening right now because. Oh, that's right.
Because she's only been in the house for like three days.
Do you know what I'm saying? Like there is a lot of stuff that's like sort of showing you that time isn't really real. I don't know. Again, I wish I could be like, and what that means is blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I mean, it's very possibly right that all of this is baked into some sort of metaphorical dealing with grief or or not even grief so much as her relationship with with men. I mean, yeah, like not it's very possible that she's just sitting in the bathtub this entire movie or something. Although it is interesting.
They do that thing. It's a little bit of a classic horror thing, but like her friend shows up and there is blood everywhere. Yeah, yeah. So the shit happened. Yeah, something happened.
We don't see 15 dead pregnant carps, carbs, carbs, carbs, even eating all those damn carbs. And it's like, well, there's your problem. That makes you crazy. You can't eat that many carbs.
No, but I. Oh, right. And her car was crashed. Somebody didn't actually. Yeah, the car was crashed. Exactly. Like something happened.
With the apples on the ground at the end, also the fact that every apple fell to three. They weren't on the ground at the end. They were not on the ground. They also weren't on the ground when Jeffrey went out to go like check when he was like, I'll go out. I'll be brave. I was like, are the apples going to be on the ground? They weren't.
I don't know. There's just so much. There's just so much to talk about in the movie. And I fear that people are going to only be like, question our men or our men. Not bad answer. Yes or no. Do you know what I mean? It's like there's so much more to talk about in the movie on purpose because I think Alex Rollins is like a really good filmmaker. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know. Ali, I don't know if you're watching the comments, but a lot of people are hung up on that exactly despite the fact that we're talking about everything else except for is men good or bad. But so another another thing about it's not an inconsistency because it definitely is purposeful and mean something.
But after she OK, in self defense, she stabs the green man in the arm. He pulls his arm out of the mailbox and it splits his arm and it's disgusting and it's freaky.
From that point on, all of the men have that exact same injury. Yeah, it's like this. Except except for when they when Jeffrey. I think there's a certain point where Jeffrey does not have the injury. Does that sound familiar? I think it's like right before he is he throws her out of the car. Oh yes, yes, you're right.
He doesn't. I think he doesn't have the injury.
So at that point, I was like, wait a minute, is he the one version of this man that's like the good guy? Is he is he the white knight?
And then very quickly he comes back to run her over. To run her over the car.
There was something about that too where it was like so I was watching it through the lens of like, oh, this is about how every man has all of these men inside of him and they all have the potential to be toxic and to hurt people and all that. So here comes Jeffrey. He doesn't have the split arm.
He gets hit by the car because she's escaping. She's about to get out of all this and his response is to, even though he is maybe this white knight, his response is to steal the one thing that's going to actually save her and fucking drive off with it for whatever reason. Yeah, I thought it was like even the potential hero is taking away all the tools of this woman to survive this horror.
I think that's a pretty good read to have just like there. It's not the same level of violence as perpetuating violence, but not stopping violence or saying anything about it or trying to do literally anything about it is its own act of violence, which is again, kind of what I'm saying about what I like about the first two thirds of this film, which is that it really seems to say to me, this violence exists everywhere in so many different tiny ways that it would just do everybody a little bit better to be more mindful and just sort of be like, huh, I wonder if that's not helpful or I wonder if somebody says, I don't like that. I shouldn't go, well, I don't care that you don't like it because I like it and it doesn't matter to me if you don't like it and go like, gee, I wonder why that person didn't like that. I wonder why that gave me this weird knee jerk reaction. I wonder if that's a valid reaction or if I need to examine why I feel that way. All of that I do feel like is in the first parts of this movie. Well, yeah, so I think just I'm just going to jump around because that's what I do on these things. One of the things that I think is really interesting just talking about more of the first two thirds, but kind of all the way through a few people have been talking about how it takes a lot of horror tropes and subverts them, but only slightly.
Like, for example, you know, we pointed out she doesn't like smash her. She doesn't kill her husband as far as we can tell at the end of the movie.
But they do a very obvious. Her friend is like, there's an axe behind you. Oh, yeah, you should cut people's heads off with it. Yeah.
And then, you know, she runs to grab the axe, but she never uses it because at that point he's so pathetic. It's like, well, you know, a lot of people giving her well, unless I almost feel like she might have after he was done doing his little sad little I just wanted you to love me speech. She might have then killed him with the axe because she looked happy. She looked like she reached closure at the end.
It also I if I don't if I remember correctly, I think he says I just needed I just needed your love. And I think the word need was in there and like I felt like that was like a thing too of just being like even in this moment where they're having the most human every conversation we've had them see them had thus far had been full blown screaming him threatening violence.
They have not been having a real conversation. He has been talking at her and she has been talking at him and he has not been listening, but like there's been like no like talking. And so it is interesting that in this moment when he is like born, they have like an actual talk or she's like, what do you need?
And he like actually is an answer, but even the answer is kind of like not like I wish we could have shared something or like it's not like a thing that acknowledges her pertinent at all. It's just like, I need you to love me. And it's like, oh, great. You need something that I'm telling you doesn't exist. Like it's again like another moment of like asking and not really communicating or sharing anything with her. Sure.
I actually could not understand a word he said in that scene. I thought at first I thought at first that was the point. I thought he was like lost the ability to speak is something about that one scene. His accent was so heavy that I was like, I don't know what you're saying. I did miss the first line.
I'll be injured. I do love the idea that you were like so crazy. He was doing this like backwards.
David Lynch speak the entire scene. Like what is that symbolized? Yeah, it was. It was I actually agree with you, Jesse, because I had just watched. I can't even remember. I was literally just watching some movie with a bunch of British accents. And I was like, I'm not tracking this as well as I should. So I put on subtitles for like the first time ever, which is like an I do that.
I do that with Derry girls. You guys have watched Derry girls. Derry girls is an amazing television show that must be walked with subtitles.
Like I simply don't understand what they're saying most of the time, but the show's amazing. So just watch the subtitles.
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, yeah, it's just something about. Yeah, his his upset British people sometimes it's like right. Yeah.
No, I get that you're upset about the crumpets or something, but I'm not specific to what he said. He said he needed or love him. I thought he was saying something about putting the kettle on really bizarre. It's not what I took from that scene.
I need you to put on the cow. Please God. I've given birth 36 times. Oh my God.
Yeah, somebody somebody pointed out how weird it was to realize that the friend was pregnant. Yeah, she'd never she'd never like said anything about it.
She does like intimate at it once where she's like, we're going to get absolutely trashed. You know what? I'll watch you get trashed and then you were like, that's interesting.
But then but then like she gets out of the car and it's her car. Oh my God. She gets out of the car and she's pregnant and you're like, Oh, that makes sense. But it is weird that like after all these like careful there's a birth.
There's a man in there. I want OK. So there's something I like.
Did either of you ever watch the TV show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? Oh, but Rachel Bloom has been on several crack videos.
She's wonderful. And the show is great. It definitely has its ups and downs. It is overall. My wife watched it. Yeah, there is a really great song that's called Let's Generalize About Men. That I do. I wish we could just cut in the video of it.
It's so funny and basically it's just when it's four different women who are all upset at different men in their lives. And so they sing a song called Let's Generalize About Men that basically are just being like all men are stupid. They can't talk about their feelings. All 3.6 billion men are like this. Like it's just so funny. And then at the very end of the song, which is like done like in like an 80s pastiche. Uh, like one of the girls is like all men are violent. And then another one's like all men are rapists. And the other girl, there's like one woman who goes, wait, I have sons. And the last line of the song is your sons are gonna be rapists. And it's like so funny because they all end unhappy. Like the process of the generalizing like nobody actually felt any like real catharsis because it didn't really do anything.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, it's so funny. Like it's great. That's this movie. It's a romp. It's a fun film. It's just so funny.
Which is like, I think the point is like, sorry, go ahead. Oh, no, this is sarcastic. And it's gonna be, it's gonna be crude. Now it's highly isolated. Go.
The point of this movie end of that song is that men are in a dark place and we need help and we need you to ask us what you want from us. I just like I really like that song. I think people should watch it. It's funny. But also like I've read Rachel Bloom talking about it. And she's been like, I like adore that song because it shows that like talking women venting their frustrations about men is like a necessary part of like the social contract.
They just need a safe place to say some dumb shit. They might not even mean it all. But if they don't have a safe place to express these frustrations in a society that like just perpetuates them, they'll die. They just need to do it. It's also not super helpful because it's not really all true. There's no such thing as generalizing about a three billion people.
Do you know what I'm saying? And so like it's just great because like I like I love that because it can be both true and not true. It can be both helpful and not helpful. Do you know what I'm saying? It usually is drawn in such a way that it's like everything I'm saying out of my mouth is true. And don't you dare ever tell me I'm not meaning every word I say.
Like sometimes you just need a safe place to be like fucking guys. Anyway, back to the real world where I have to interact with people. Men have that.
It's 4chan. It's Reddit. It's pretty much everywhere except Tumblr.
Access Hollywood. You guys should try it. This sounds great.
But that is wild though because what you're saying is like women need like a space to vent and like men have that in droves. Like everything is designed so that men constantly live in a safe space where they can just say. Horrible thing. Yeah, women.
I disagree. I feel very attacked in this chat. I want to. Every time I bring something up. I can be a man. Every time I bring something up I'm talking to you specifically. I've noticed that actually. Yeah, I yeah. If I ever say that there might be there might considerably if we all thought about it a little bit more be it be kind of maybe a problem.
What I'm actually saying is Jordan, you are bad and I want I want you specifically to feel better. I know Jordan made to Jordan is made to female humans. So he's actually contributing to the to the women's side of the gender war.
My wife is actually just been birthing herself over and over. Over and over again. It is weird.
Yeah, Chris White brings up a good point. I do. I also wish they gave a little bit more context to why they were divorced. And obviously that's an intentional thing, right? I mean, ultimately it's like whatever Jesse thinks is enough for her. Presumably like it didn't have to be because when he punches her the first time you're like, Oh, right. That's why. Because he's right. Although they do make very clear that is the first time that's happened. Right.
Which again is so much better than painting this sort of cartoon relationship of horrible inequity and he's beating her and like it's so clear that she's innocent and he's terrible. Like I think it's a much more realistic relationship to show this woman who is deeply unhappy and does not feel safe expressing her unhappiness because the minute she says this doesn't make me happy. He goes, well, I guess you want me to kill myself.
This happens a lot. And if people don't believe that that happens a lot, it happens a lot. It happens in so many ways where people will just be like, Hey, like I don't like that you control the money in this relationship and like make me feel very bad every time I have to ask for anything. And the guy goes, well, wouldn't it be great if we got divorced and then I had the kids and you never got to see the kids because you don't have any money.
How would that make you feel? Does that make you feel better?
And woman goes, no. And then they never get divorced. Do you know what I'm saying? Like like this, like this power inequity happens like in so many ways. And like, I thought it was way more interesting to start the movie in a place where like it's not like so fucking clear that like this couldn't ever possibly get fixed. Maybe if he like did do some soul searching and actually talk to her and they went to couples counseling. I don't know. Maybe they wouldn't get divorced. Like I don't know. But like he is not in a place to receive that and he never will.
Like that is like the picture we get. Right.
Because he's dead. That's why he's born again.
But yeah, I think it is good. It's cool too that it's not. And again and again. I think a lot of people just think like, oh, either there's like full-on like NCIS level domestic violence or it's just everything's cool. It's a normal relationship.
But this signs a spotlight on like there are much more sinister, quiet, sinister ways that there can be a toxic relationship or even doesn't even have to be a toxic up until like all she said is like, I'm not happy. I want out. And at that point, that was the first time that we see him become like threatened violence. Yeah, she has a line that I wish I could remember where she says something like, I want to be able to tell you I'm not happy. And then he has like a huge blowout or like emotional response to it. She goes, the reason we're getting divorced is because of that. Like, I cannot tell you I'm not happy. I can't even say the words. I want a divorce without you threatening something.
I was gonna say life ending. Yeah, life ending. Like truly, like, like, do you know what I'm saying?
Like the fact that like her emotions don't matter because to him, his emotions are the only emotions. And so like her being unhappy, who cares? I don't care that she's not happy.
That's collateral damage in the fact that I'm not happy. Hello. Yeah, he's not happy. Like that's kind of what it feels like. You know what I mean? He's like upping the ante of his unhappiness to as far as he can go, which is death by his own hand. And so therefore, any of her unhappiness pales by comparison and she should just like suck it up It's insane that you're even saying you're unhappy right now when I'm so unhappy.
It's like, oh, great. This sounds great. Good relationship.
Do you know what I mean? But like, again, like I still think that that's a much better and more interesting portrayal of a power imbalance in a relationship than it is just like strictly just being like, because men are strong, I can kill you. My hands. Do you know what I mean? Like, there are so many different ways in which like violence is perpetuated and we like sort of go, well, it happens.
What are you gonna do? Yeah, what are you gonna do? Because like that is we have sort of reached the what are you gonna do points. Do you know what I'm saying? Like we are like sort of society and culturally at the what are you gonna do point of this where it's like, I don't know. We already gave you guys credit cards. What are we gonna do? Yeah.
Well, I think also like I kind of had a recurring thought. It was like, what would I do or what could I do? And that's when I see like Jeffrey, like potentially this white knight taking away her like one like device of salvation. You know, it's like sort of trying to do a little bit of introspection. It's like, when have I been that guy?
When have I been the weird little like Dobby kid with the stupid mask? Oh boy, I got bad news for you, Jesse. I gotta say that was the worst CGI. Like of all the cool shit they pulled off, horrible stupid little like, yeah, little. Well, also like I was talking to somebody after who like actually does know a lot about like CGI and stuff like that.
And they were saying like, the hardest place to do like CGI face replacement and like those deep fake type technology things is in broad daylight, which is why in the scenes where he's in the kitchen, he looks exponentially better. Interesting. But like, why did they choose to introduce him in broad daylight if it is like when it looks the worst? Because it does look very bad. And also like, yeah, to have a mask on first just draws attention when he takes it off. Like you're gonna be looking right at his face and like you're gonna see that it's not quite the right angle. It didn't quite pull off the twins from the social network kind of thing.
But yeah, I don't know. Like, but I think that I assume that it's a big part of the point of this movie is to make you go like, oh shit, like which one of these guys is me? Or when have I been? Probably haven't been the priest. I probably haven't been the green man, but I've sure been a shitty little kid. And I'm sure I've been a homeowner who rents out his home to widows. No, but I don't know.
That's something to like. It's also like that thing of like with the character of Jeffrey, Jeffrey, I forget that we're following it. Like he's like, his slights against her are not at least in the beginning of the movie are not like meant to be like violence. Do you know what I'm saying? Like when he like presumes she's married and can't remember not to call her her married name. Like he's not actively trying to be like, I'm gonna show this bitch what's up. It's just like, it's just sort of baked into his brain.
He can't unprogram it. He's not working to get better at it.
It's just the kind of thing that happens, which I think is like, I think it is good to like, I wish it was easier and not quite so like a hot button to be like this annoys me. And I don't think it's very good slash not helpful versus this is an act of violence. But like it just all gets conflated because people are sensitive and scared and the internet sucks. So do you know what I mean?
Like somebody being like, Hey, Jeffrey wasn't actually trying to like perpetrate violence on this woman, but what he was still doing is still kind of shitty. People hear, oh, so you think he's shitty? You think he wants to kill her?
And it's like, that's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying that. But like, it's so hard to have that conversation.
I think there's a lot to uncover here about like intentionality. Like, and the actual effects on it.
So he didn't intend to perpetuate violence, but in the end, he super did. Just before he ran her over with a car, he still let a lot of bad shit happen to her. And then also when you think about like, when I was thinking about it for a little while, I was in my head saying like, okay, she stabs the guy. She cuts his arm open. She breaks his ankle. And then I realized she didn't do that shit. They did that to themselves just like, so she stabbed the guy in self defense, but he's the one that pulls his arm out. He gives himself a huge wound. Just like her husband.
Could not watch that, by the way. Oh, it was too much. It was too much. It was just that it was so jerky. So long. That closed my eyes.
I didn't even see it. I don't even know what you're talking about.
Alex Garland is like really amazing at that like unexpected body horror. Like he's like real, he's a real king of the like, ew, gross. Like that stuff with the intestines and annihilation.
I won't say more in case people have not seen. Or like the mirror scene in Ex Machina where he's trying to figure out if he's real. Didn't like it.
Didn't like it, but he's so good at it. Like he is so good at it. I just like, again, I know that people are only going to be like, this movie sounds serious, but like I wish people would see it just because like he's such a good filmmaker that like you will feel something.
I don't know if you'll feel hate. I don't know if you'll feel revulsion. I don't know if you'll love it. Like I don't know, but like you will fucking feel something. You're not going to walk out and be like, that was boring. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, and to be clear, it has a D plus on cinema score. People, I don't think in general, have a lot of fun at this movie. I can't say I had fun at the movie. I didn't either.
I appreciate a lot of things about it and was like, wow, pretty shots. Oh, that's gory. That's interesting and like a terrifying way.
And then the end happened and I was like, I'm going to try and figure out what this means that doesn't like kind of what you were saying earlier. There's not other movies that make similar points that are much more screwtable or whatever. You know, it's kind of like in when Jesse and I watched Titan, I was very much like, I'm sure something is supposed to matter somewhere, but I'll be damned if I know what the hell having sex with the car has to do with anything in the world. I also think I wish I knew more about like paganism and things like that, because it's just like something I know a ton about. Oh, wait, the dandelion. I want to go back to that. So this is something that I suspected from like being a person who was in like science class as a child, but like couldn't remember, but then like went to Wikipedia and was like, oh, it is true.
So dandelions reproduce asexually. They do not require the male and the male to reproduce. And then they like sow their seed by getting like blown into the wind. It is not like something we're like the spreading and the reproduction requires.
Do you know what I'm saying? Colonization or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I mean, like they are. They are, I guess.
Yeah, it's an asexual reproduction. So it was very interesting that like the image was something that was like not about like female birth, male birth, whatever we want to call it.
Because they've got all the they've got the ovaries, right? They got all the fruit stuff.
And then I saw that the dandelion is like, great. That's the that's the inverse. Like that's the seed or whatever. But sure, it's still a seed, but it's not. If it's an asexually reproducing organism, then that's like totally different from what I thought. Yeah, it was interesting. Again, I'm not like I'm not like so anyway, what that therefore means is I'm just sort of like, oh, that's an interesting perspective.
So when I was getting when I was getting my second vaccine, they were running three hours behind because they had to like reschedule from a different day. And so like there were just so many people there.
Long story short, I became best friends with the old woman online in front of me. We had the best talk. We still talk to this day. Love her. She was telling me about how once COVID is over, because it's still not.
But she was saying she had taken this amazing trip to Ireland and she'd like talk to all these like Celtic like people who like still practice the pagan traditions of like old of like old Celtic paganism and how she was like what she was like so interested in was that like in the pagan traditions, even though there's like many. So the paganism is not like a unilateral thing. It's just like pre Christianity. So like Greek and then Irish and everything will be very different.
However, I mean, they all have in common is that like most of the deities that they worship are women and it's like very like Mother Earth. It's all very female and it's like very like very worshiping of the female reproduction and the miracle of life. And we have to and Gaia, Mother Nature, all that stuff. And then also like the people who were priestesses.
I'm proving I'm proving that I'm real for the chat.
Sorry. Okay, okay, okay. I thought yeah, you haven't said anything in a while. I didn't know. Maybe you knew something I didn't know about paganism, which I would appreciate because I don't know a lot. What she was saying is that like when Christianity sort of came in and was like paganism that blows what they also sort of did away with was the fact that like the people who were the communers, the most important like I keep saying priestess, but that doesn't make sense because there were no priests, but like whatever that I drew. It's I don't know whatever that would be. We're all women. Like it was it was a pagan priest priestess. Okay, okay, cool. Yeah, sorry. Again, I really don't know a ton. I'm telling you what an old woman told me two years ago.
But like she was saying that like the people who were in charge of like communing these like religious things were women and that nobody ever was like women don't belong in my religion. They were like, yeah, they're important and I trust them. And so like when Christianity came in and was like, bow, get that guy out of here. Bow, get that goddess out of here. They also were like, oh yeah, and women, they don't do religion. That's what men do. If you ever had a woman tell you that they were talking to God, they were not telling the truth. And that was like a reactionary thing. Wow, like crushing the paganism thing.
I don't know. I get it. It's not like that's true. I don't know. Oh, I'm asking you to affirm.
Oh, I meant like I meant that like that's that's like a true facet of Christianity is that women are not allowed to. Yeah, you can't be a priest. Well, some of them. Yeah, but like, you know, it's like, yeah, again, I really am not trying to speak. Let's ask the chat chat. Can women be priests? It is mute mute mute.
I guess I'm just saying like this movie also being so like obsessed with like the pagan iconography and stuff was just interesting because like I knew from that experience that like it used to be like an extraordinarily like woman centric thing and that like it has been like very willfully stomped out. Yeah, yeah, they're like Christianity came along and they're like, okay, hold on. Put all those other gods at the back burner.
We got this one and good news. He's three dudes. What's better than one guy? Three guys.
Whatever. We'll get my old lady friend on the chat sometime. It depends on which part of Christianity, but that's fine. Alright, let's do this. Let's let's pivot to the chat. Oh, good. Oh, we got we got some crew lady priest stuff going on. Thank you.
My parents are actually I don't know if this is weird to reveal on a live stream that they're never going to watch. They're leaving the church they're at, I think, because they don't have any lady priests.
Oh, wow. I didn't know that there were so many that you could just be like, I'm going to go find one with a lady priest. Christian churches. Yeah, I'm doing Charleston, man. Welcome to America. That's like one of the main things that we do is we make churches for some reason. Yeah, no, there's truly so many. I mean, like in Charlottesville alone, there's got to be 30, 40, 50. I don't know. There's there's so many. And that there are some that are like, hey, we have lady priests.
Yep. That's how it all breaks out. I mean, so like, if if the Catholicism and Protestantism split in the whatever, 15, 1600s, whenever that was, both have continued to split over and over and over and over and over and over forever until truly now one of the main things that we have is non-denominational. It's true. It's like, I don't know what everybody else is doing, but we're just going to go through the bullet points and say, yes, ladies, no infant baptism. Just like continue on with all their own things. So that's that's America.
Um, um, let's talk about other things. Yeah. How are you going to find anything in the chat? Well, you can you can star things as you go and come back to it. So yeah, I'm going to scroll through. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Men are the best. Um, there's like a there's like a whole like pick up artist chapter of the chat earlier on. Sigma males and shit.
All right. There's really only one thing that that I wanted to hit that I'm safe to say without being blocked and banned forever. I can't find me. I'm just kidding. All right.
Um, Chris White, who said many thoughtful things says I had totally forgotten there is a fifth character. Can you think of who it is? Fifth actor, fifth character.
Is it the one female policewoman? Yeah. What is that about? She is not phased by all the men being the same man either. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah, but she's not like I looks just like my coworker. And if anything, she's a little bit like, you know, like more supportive or whatever. She she's sort of like, we're going to lock him up.
Naked penis guy. I mean, he's probably fine, but like, you know, still want you to feel safe. I mean, again, I think that this was supposed to be illustrative of how just like a system does not work for women. Like, it's just like, it's not designed to ultimately help women because even this woman who's being supportive and being like, I bet you must have been really scared. I would have really scared me.
But don't worry, he's all good. Didn't matter. Doesn't matter.
At some point, let's let him go. What's she going to do about it? She can't do nothing about it. The system does not work to protect women. You know what I'm saying? Even when it's like one of the good ones, you know, still like she only has so much control. And yeah, I don't want to live in a system where I can't walk around in other people's yards butt ass naked.
I'm not doing anything. I'm just. I'm just walking.
Yeah, normalize. Scrumping. Oh, my God. I've never heard the word strumping before this. Oh, my God. That's a title.
I liked it though. Then he just kept like, I liked his first of all, where he can hear is such a good actor. I feel like we have to talk about his performance. He's so good. And like, they're not like cartoonish performances. Like he inhabits so many different characters and they're all like kind of weird and unsettling. But none of them are like, I'm gonna creep. Like, he really like. He's just such a good actor.
He wrote. Apparently he wrote in. He wrote bios for all of them. I believe that Alex Garland didn't write them. He wrote them because he he said essentially exactly what you're saying.
He's like, if just one of them is too thin, even if they're not doing anything, you're going to pan across the room and be like, look at that weird goblin who's like my motivation is I go wow. Every time somebody says something and like he's really good. One of them is like the cartoon wolf with the eyes popping out. When she walks in the bar.
Right. The tongue becomes stairs and then a little version of Rakeneyer walks down the stairs. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, right.
So he intentionally, although I will say even with that, the two weirdos sitting at the, not at the bar at the table when he walks in. Yeah, everyone was like throwing the notion around. It's like, what is their backstory? I really hate talking to people like right in front of me. But it is funny because you have to imagine that them having a little conversation would be a little tough to film because they're not there. I mean, I guess you could have put somebody there and they say the lines at generally the same time.
They did it in the social network. They're so good at it now. They did it in being John Malkovich. This is very being John Malkovich-y.
It's at least it's seen in the bar. I say this as somebody who has made several crack videos where I talk to myself and being like, oh God, I didn't even think about the timing of this shit. So I'm like, slowing me down. So one's like, hey, Jordan, what's up? And he's like, I'm doing great. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Sorry, were you gonna say something?
I was gonna go to titles because- Yeah, I was gonna say, so I also read that names for pubs sometimes, like the green man is a common name for pubs in the UK, apparently, which I wonder if that has something to do with where he was, from the beginning, Jeffrey was like, hey, there's a great pub in town and we don't know what the name is, but we can assume that maybe that has to do with the green man. Anyway, green pub. It definitely was like, there is so much unanswered.
Like, for example, does that woman not realize that all women look the same? Does the police woman not realize all women look, well, women, all men look the same?
Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it's just like, there's just so many unanswered things that like obviously were meant to just sort of take in what we're seeing as opposed to like try to rationalize everything. I think the movie is basically saying, hey, can you just stop fucking trying to think right now? Can you just watch me and just like experience? Do you know what I mean? Wow, yeah, yeah. And I don't disrespect that. I think we definitely have a tendency to over explain in movies right now. Everything has to make perfect logical sense for fear that somebody will make a YouTube video about some big plot hole in your stupid thing. But it's like, I don't care that it doesn't- Careful, that's what the rest of this channel is all about. That's true. Just like, you know what I mean?
I think you're allowed to have some fucking mystery and be like, I really don't know what that's supposed to be. It's like having your own opinion. Yeah, I think it's super artsy. I think, yeah, I guess mystery is sort of like the byproduct of it, but I think it's just such like it. This is almost like a visual sculpture, you know, like the seed goes in the deer's eye and then inside the deer's brain, you see the green man growing. It's like this feels like and like not a narrative movie, like 20% of the time.
Yeah. Ready? Are we ready for all titles? Sorry, I have not paid any attention.
I hope you guys had a good podcast. Yeah, we had fun. I'm sure that everyone loved everything I was saying. Yeah.
We solved the majority of misogyny. Yeah, did you not hear us figuring out how to dismantle those systems of oppression that keep everybody in place? Oh my God, you guys did it.
I'll cut that out and make a TikTok. Yeah, yeah. Make sure that you don't share that with the public. Okay, great. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to do these alternate titles and I'm going to press the button where it says this. New movie titles even. Wow, great job.
I'm going to cut everyone off now because I can't think fast enough. I can't think fast enough anyway.
But first, let's do mine. You ready? Yeah. Ready.
Gross. Comma. Guys. There's some gross guys or gross guys.
Yeah, that's good. So good.
And annihilate my eyeballs and scrumping. Those are my scrumping.
Actually, let me cut to these before we get to Jesse's because we already know what his are. So we've got meh.
That's funny. I like that. So I think it's pretty delightful.
We have the joy of birth. Joy of birth.
John Evans also had everyone should have at least one therapy session. I don't even know if that's the title. That's true. The amazing self birthing man. Yes, all men.
Actually, I'm not 100% sure. I don't know how to pronounce this.
Yes. This is what war fought over. Okay. Yes, Matryoshka. Great.
Subtext the movie. Many are. Dude being human. Two and a half. Except it's not. Which I kind of like. The joy of birth.
Okay, I got this one. Junior two were serious this time. All good stuff in there. What do you guys got?
One of mine was naked and afraid. And the other one was. Remember earlier when I was like, I have a title for this is something that I was saying when I saw this movie with last night with friends. I was trying to like dissect it. And I was like, I think if I say on the channel, we might get banned banned. So we'll see. But I was saying that like I the movie fell apart for me in the third act when she was and I quote pussy propping full formed men. Wow. So that's just the title.
These are fully formed men that be that have been pussy popped fully formed men being pussy popped. Oh, they're the ones they're not they're not the ones out there popping their. No, they're they're popping out. I think popping generally first to the pussy as opposed to whatever. I mean, that is what happens in the last part of the movie. Yeah, the man is to the that he popping it. They're popping. I think I think popping is an attribute of the pussy. I don't think it's something that the man does to or with the pussy.
They were well, if you're doing it right now. Foot first. Yeah, the feet came out of the mouth. It was like a snake throwing up.
Look, I don't want to, you know, reveal all of my secrets. But you can pop a lot of things. I don't even know what the second half of it was. I just wrote pussy poppin.
What was the rest of the? Fully formed men fully formed men. Great. Any other ones? Little green ghouls.
I said fully formed I'm at that exact intention like that same intonation. I was gonna say something but I don't care.
Jesse, or did you have any other ones? Oh, I do. I got sorry. Allie, did you have any other? Jesse, do you have any?
I got who's man's. Who's man's? Yeah, who's man's? It's like a it's a thing that you say on Twitter when when a man is being weird. You say who's man's?
Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay.
Yeah, it's raining men or maybe it's. Nah, we'll workshop. It's raining man, man.
Close off and chase this woman around. Okay, ready? This is gonna be tough on that. Ready?
I loved the music. How do you feel about the music?
It was great. It actually went after she stabbed the priest and then this saw all of her like. Yeah, came together. There was like people were clapping in the theater because they're like great. This ended it like means something. She won and then like. And then the movie kept going. It's kept going got weird.
But I just like he again, the soundtrack in both ex machina and annihilation are like very specific. And like he's just like a real talent for finding strange music. Like but like very effective. It's not weird for the sake of weird. That's really good. So it's exactly like annihilation.
Yeah, I feel like I'm getting an eyelid. I think you're doing it. I'm getting popped.
All right, Jesse. Well, okay. The last one I'll do is semen semen.
You pitch that often and frequently. Have you talked about blank now for this? Well, blank man, the dandelions, he's shooting blanks. That's this. Also, they're all the same guy. So it's like, thanks, man. You're just sort of like filling in the blank with every. Yeah. So I really was maybe called blank man blank man.
We got minute. Oh, my God. It's you again with the huge Anna baby demonetized. I really liked when we ended on that one last time. Oh, nightmare nightmare. Airbnb. Oh, that's good. I love that. But it should be nightmare BNB. Yeah.
Have you ever seen when people say Mr. Sandman, man, me a man. No, I have. No, but I have.
Well, that's gonna be the end of it. Where do we find you, Jesse? Oh, find me on Twitter. Asmon. E-I-S-E-M-A-N-N. Yeah. And I would kindly ask that you do not find me. Yeah, you can find.
You can find Allie at a nice cottage in the country. I try to get away at a cottage in the country.
Just leave me be for a little bit. I just need like three days. I just need like three fucking days. Okay.
Well, if you do want to find her anyway and harass her on the internet. Yeah, you can find me on at Miss Nellis Nutting. And I'm at the underscore J underscore breeding.
I will say we've gotten some votes to see the new Chip and Dale movie. Oh, I would watch that. I've heard it's like fun. I don't want to see it. It's like you're freaking. I'll watch it, but. You love kid shit. Yeah, I thought you love like weird reboots. And you always be popping little animated.
I did. Wait, was that.
Yeah, that's that rescue rangers and like rescue down under. I did love that shit, but I'm not looking forward to the 3D reboot with like who's voicing it.
I don't know. It's John Mulaney and Andy Samberg and it's directed by Lonely Islands. It's one of the the lesser islanders.
Yeah, okay, I'm excited about two thirds of that. This is not a great week to be hyping up John Mulaney. John Mulaney, yeah, exactly. Maybe we'll get that SEO though. That's true. Okay, I'm on board.
I mean, look how much fun we had in the chat. Just acknowledging that man exists. Was fun. I know that it's controversial to say that there are men on this planet, but I think we have to open our eyes and see that they're here and there's nothing we can do about it. We've been doing some of these gender swap videos. Ally of which is one of the hosts and they have been really doing well on Google search for some reason, which makes me think, unfortunately, that there are men out there being like, what if snoo snoo, but like with women?
Yeah, they're writing it. They're searching at the SEO. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're like, oh, this looks like maybe what I think it is. And they're like, oh, well, I'm already here.
I might as well watch this. Yeah, nothing better to do. And that's probably a good place to end. Yeah. And it's getting out of here. You know what?
I feel like sometimes I just wave, but we do have a video, right? Like I could just press the video and that could make Jesse start to tell a joke.
Oh, wait, I have one last. Oh, shit. |
dropout | how_to_pretend_you_like_that_shitty_gift_hardly_working | Okay, everyone, gather around because it is present time! Oh, but oh, whiskey stones! You got me whiskey stones! Oh, okay, uh, I don't have this. I've always wanted this. I've always wanted whiskey stones.
Cool. Cool, so it goes like in the whiskey and it makes it colder. Cool, so it's like ice that you have to wash.
Oh, wow, that is good. That is good. I love this.
I drink so much whiskey. It's a problem. But now it's a cold problem, right?
Rad! Tight! Whiskey stones! Wow, whiskey stones!
Oh, I don't deserve this. No, really, one time I hit someone with my car and it just kept going. I mean, I checked the papers the next day. There weren't any reports of anything, but still. I can't accept this.
Hi, I'm Emily from College Humor. If you like that, click here for more videos, here to subscribe, or click me to see what I look like without Photoshop. Just kidding, it's the same. I woke up like this. Also, I'm wearing makeup and a push-up bra and a wig. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_251_Kate_Reid | It's something I really take a lot of enjoyment in. It's the little things in your week that you look forward to. But we have something quite big to look forward to over the next week.
We're all heading down, a few of us are heading down to the events capital of Australia. They're the capital for everything, I think. Melbourne. Melbourne, yes. This year it's Melbourne. Yeah, yeah. They claim it all.
They are capital of events, sport, food as well, croissants I believe too. They're going to be the croissant capital of the world now. They have the best croissant store in the world, I believe. And we're actually going to talk to the woman behind the best croissant store in the world, according to the New York Times and Jotam Ottolenghi.
I believe you've got a few of his recipe books as well, Errol. Yep, yep. As a bachelor, I have them on my bookshelf.
They are up there to gather some dust. Hopefully they impress someone one day.
An avid reader. But yes, we are talking to Kate Read, the mastermind behind Loon Croissantery. I'm actually never quite sure how to say that word, croissantery. But Kate Read, thanks very much for tuning in today, dialling in.
Oh, you're very welcome. And I've got two things to say already. You nailed croissantery. And yes, I'm impressed that you've got Ottolenghi on your shelf. So job done. Big reader of Ottolenghi. Yep.
Also a big fan of his Jerusalem rice, though I haven't, that's about as far as I've gotten. You've never cooked that one for me, so I'll hang out for that.
Now, Kate, it's a massive, massive couple of weeks coming up for Melbourne. I know we hang shit on it being the event capital of the country, but there is plenty going on. Yeah, I feel like everything happens in Melbourne in March. It's the best month of the year. Like, obviously, one of my loves, Formula One, is coming to town in, I think, a week and a half. It's on at the same time as the Melbourne Food and Wine Festival, which is also close to my heart. Comedy festivals are coming up, and I think fashion weeks just happen. So yeah, it's all happening at the moment.
How do you balance that as the mind behind the croissant shop and also an avid F1 fan? How do you balance your time over this next kind of week-long period?
Look, it's pretty tough. I struggled with it last year, so actually this year I've taken long surface leave.
So I can just focus on the F1 for a couple of weeks, which is amazing. That's great. Really good. And here I am at work recording a podcast about Loon with you guys, so it's not really long surface leave.
No, that's obviously one thing that we wanted to touch on here, is that we do have a bakery here in Batuta, but we don't have people queuing up out the front of it like they're in, you know, communist Russia just trying to get some bread. What makes a croissant worth queuing for? Well, I think, oh gosh, that's a really good question. It's the only thing that we do at Loon. We just focus on croissants. When I first started the business, my observations were that most bakeries did some things really well and some things really average or did everything average, and I don't like the idea of doing anything average. So I figured rather than start a bakery and trying to perfect everything, I would just pick one product that was dear to my heart, croissants, and I just focus on throwing all my energy and effort into that one product to make it as good as it possibly could. And I think at the time I started Loon, there were not very many good examples of croissants in Australia in general, but I scoped out Melbourne pretty tightly. I think they were a token item on most bakeries' counters, and I just wanted to show people what an amazing one could be like, and it just became an obsession.
Yeah, well, I'll say that a lot of the ones here in Western Queensland, they are often accompanied with some cheese and a bit of ham sort of jammed in the middle of it. Vegemite as well? Vegemite, anything. I think they're kind of used like the pita bread is kind of used in parts of North America. The walrus ones are quite good up here as well. I know, but not many people have time in the morning in order to hop up, take the croissants out of the freezer and pop them in the oven.
That is one thing I wanted to ask you about, Kate. Obviously there are some people who they see life as a process where you want to be as efficient as possible. Food is something that you just strap the food bag on, you eat, and then you move on to the next thing, whatever it is in life that gives you joy. It's human diesel to some people. Yeah, to some people. But then there are other people who say, well, there's actually something quite nice about lining up for a croissant. You hang out, you think about this nice croissant, you're there with someone potentially you care about, you're talking to other people. It's the same reason why old men love to play golf. It's just time outdoors with friends. Yeah. I think you're really onto something there.
And I mean, I didn't start Loon with the vision for lines around the block, but I mean, I think inevitably if a product takes off and people start lining up, it happens organically. But a lot of people now describe that those standing in line was actually one of the parts of the experience that made it so special. Like everyone in line has a different story as to why they're here or how they heard about Loon. They make friends in the line. Lines have been synonymous with Loon since day dot pretty much. And back in the Elwood days, the line was pretty insane. I don't know if you guys know this, but we'd open at 8 a.m. and the line would often start at 2 a.m. So people would start showing up.
We've had some pretty wild examples of like, I think it was a federal election one year and some guy had gotten in the line at about 5.30 and finally it was his turn to be served. And he showed up at the counter and looked very confused and was like, where are the polling booths? Like this guy had gone on this.
Oh my god. Gosh. Yeah, it's pretty great.
That's some serious dedication to the croissant and some serious dedication to voting as well. We wanted to know as well, you're one of the icons of Melbourne, Loon's an icon of Melbourne. Everyone who goes down there seems to talk about it and rave about the croissants and they can get their hands on them.
But you had a whole career and a whole profession away from pastries in the world of F1. I did. Yeah, that was the first thing that was, I guess, was my earliest obsession. When I was a little kid, I'd watch F1 with my dad. And I think I was about 13 years old when I went to a grand prix for the first time and just witnessing those cars in person, like seeing the speed. And at that time they had a V10 engine and like squealed through the air. And I wasn't really interested in all the glamour and glitz surrounding F1 for me. It was really just, how could you design something that can travel so fast around such a twisty circuit? So yeah, I think I developed an obsession with F1 and aerodynamics very early on and worked really hard, went through high school and studied aerospace engineering at university and then eventually got a job as an aerodynamicist for the Williams F1 team first. And then I moved to what was the Force India F1 team, but now it's Aston Martin as an aerodynamicist as well. That's an incredible achievement of the dream as well, like dreaming something at that age and then just going through all of the steps and ending up on the famous F1 teams, where you wanted to end up.
Did you grow up in and around Melbourne? Were you hearing the cars whizz around and that's how you went? Or was it something that you went into the city for? No, I grew up maybe eight or nine k's out of the city. Say eight or nine k's from the circuit on a really clear Melbourne morning when they were going out to do their sort of warm up session early. You could actually hear the cars from mum and dad's house when I was a kid. And it was just this like real subtle high pitched squeal, but you're like, how can I hear a car that's nine kilometres away? I mean, that's pretty wild. Yeah, it resounds all through the city.
What did your parents say when you said, oh, I want to be an aerodynamicist, I want to go and study and work on F1 cars? Well, I think dad was pretty thrilled. Like, I don't know, I don't know if you guys have an interest in F1, but it is impossible to get anywhere near the cars at the circuit. And like, every year dad and I would buy, you know, a grandstand pass for the four days. And you'd sit there and you'd watch the cars fly by you for four days, but you couldn't get anywhere near the pits. Like that was reserved for the teams and celebrities. And I think when I said to dad that I wanted to work in F1, he's like, Oh, great, you know, free pit passes and cars. And I mean, ironically, it has kind of happened, but less through my F1 career and more through Loon.
So mum, I think, I think mum, she wanted me to be a ballerina. And when I was four years old, she took me to ballet classes, I think for about six weeks.
And apparently I cried every day, told her I hated it. And the teacher said, I don't think you should bother with this anymore.
And like, ironically, I love the ballet now. But at the time, more interested in motor cars and things would go very, very fast. I love that dad was already thinking about the perks of becoming part of the system.
We actually had this, when I first moved over to the UK in the first year with Williams, he came over and we went to the Monaco Grand Prix together. And that, I think that had been our dream Grand Prix to go to like, you know, from all the winters sitting, watching the races. So my flatmate was one of the pit crew with the Williams team. And when he heard that I was in Monaco, he's like, Hey, come down and hang out with us in the pits. And like suddenly, like it's not even the Melbourne Grand Prix, we're in the Monaco Grand Prix hanging out in the pits and there's literally like Hollywood stars and dad's standing there talking to, you know, F1 hall of fame people like Jackie Stewart and Frank Williams.
And yeah, it was, it was pretty amazing. That sounds like a pretty incredible realisation and would have been very surreal. It would have been a very happy old man. With the engineering side of things, I know it's changed a little bit over the last few years, but I imagine it would have been very, very male-dominated engineering at that point in time when you were going through university and progressing in.
Yeah, especially in a Europe-based Formula One team. Yep.
So through uni, I think there was 120 students in my cohort and nine of us were girls and not all nine girls made it to the end of the course. But then when I started to work in Formula One at the Williams F1 team, there was 500 staff at the team. I was the only female in a technical role in the team at the time. So there were other women working in the company, but they were in human resources, hospitality, catering, marketing. The building that I worked in was exclusive to aerodynamic design. They just had an amazing new facility built and there were 120 people working in that building and I was the only woman and yeah, there wasn't even a female toilet. The only woman out of 120 in that building.
There was actually this amazing story in my first week at Williams. I don't know if many people know this, but Sir Frank had an apartment that was on the top floor of the main design building and he would sleep at Williams three or four nights a week. So not with his wife and family and on those nights, he would walk around the corridors to see who was working late. So in my first week, one of the nights I was there at maybe nine or ten at night and I saw him, I saw the door to the office open and he came in in his wheelchair and wheeled past my desk and I saw his head stop and then come back and he looked over into my cubicle and he's like, Oh my God, it's a woman. So that night, he also loves Australia. So he knew my name and knew that I was from Melbourne and every time he came into the office, he would always purposely stop and have a chat to me and I think maybe that was the only thing that the guys didn't like because I was a female, I stood out to Frank and he made an effort to know details about me that maybe he hadn't known about some of the guys that had been there for a lot longer than me.
But so they perceive that as favouritism even though there were 119 blokes in the building. I've never actually thought about that before. That's right. Frank would stop and chat to me and that's favouritism.
So at university, is it something that you have to choose early on if like in your course, if you were going to do things that fly or things that drive really fast? I think if I'd stayed working as an engineer in aerodynamics, like the theory of aerodynamics can be applied to almost everything that moves through a fluid and I could have spent 10 years or 15 years doing it in Formula One and probably still pivoted to aircraft because the science is still the same. But specifically with Formula One, if I'd focused my entire university career on aircraft, I would probably not have as great a chance of getting into F1 because there's just so few jobs in the world as an aerodynamicist in Formula One that from day one, if you're not focusing your efforts on open wheel racing cars, then you're already putting yourself behind. So yeah, even from like every project that I could pick the thing that I wanted to study, it would always be automotive or race car related.
I also tried to get experience working for free for some of the lower classes like F3 in Australia. Actually, the F3 guys just broke me. I was like this private school educated girl who came in so wet behind the ears and they took the piss out of me so much. But in the end, what I learned with them was so invaluable. They taught me how to break down and rebuild gearboxes and things and they're like, don't go designing any shit that takes three hours to change on the car because it's completely useless and you will lose the race. So it was actually pretty practical information that I learned with them.
You then, after some time, basically stepped outside of F1 and you moved into the bakery sphere. And I believe you spent some time at a famous French bakery and going to a local public school up here in Batutah. I did a couple of years of Indonesian and not too much else. So I'm just going to have a run at the name of this place.
Errol might have to help me out here, but Dupin et des Edie. Do you know what? That's pretty good. Dupin et des Edie. You were close. That's much better. Thank you for being kind. But yes, the way you said it there.
How did you end up at this famous, famous bakery? Well, when I came back to Australia, I had no experience working in a commercial kitchen or bakery. But this one incredible woman that owned this beautiful little cafe in my parents' house, she gave me a job doing her daily baking.
And I was enjoying it, but I was getting a bit bored. Like making cakes and tarts isn't particularly challenging when I guess you've been designing Formula 1 cars. You need something a bit more complicated to stimulate your brain.
And I'd started to develop an interest in French pastry because it's probably the most complex of the different cultures. And I'd bought myself a book about Paris patisseries and came home from work one day. It had arrived in the mail and I sat on the lounge room floor, randomly opened it up and there was this double page photo. It was Panachocolat that had been stacked up on top of each other. The photo was really zoomed in and you could see every single perfect layer, the little bits of chocolate poking out. And I was so transfixed by this photo that I literally walked up to the nearest flight centre at the time when we weren't and I booked myself a ticket to Paris. And when I was in Paris, I decided that I wanted to visit this bakery that the photo had been taken at.
And was your engineer brain just transfixed by that photo? Like all of the little details and how it was put together? Well, like, yeah, I mean, I was learning how to do things like, you know, a tart base with short crust pastry, but I'm like, how did they create all those layers? Like there's magic and science in there.
And I think the more I started to delve into it, you know, it's not just a 30 minute process and you've made a chocolate cake. It's three days later and dozens and dozens of processes and you pull a croissant out of the oven that someone eats in like 30 seconds and has no idea of the work that's gone into it. But I didn't really start to learn about croissant technique until I worked. So I ended up working in the boulangerie that I saw the photo. I convinced the owner to take me on as a Stagier, which is an unpaid internship. He was like, oh, not many people in the bakery speak English.
You're probably going to struggle, but sure you can give it a go. And it was maybe one of the greatest learning experiences of my life. Like I wasn't just learning how to make croissants. It was this physically hard work and you were so exhausted at the end of the day, you slept so well and I was learning all of it in a different language. So your senses had to be so alive.
You were listening and watching and learning that the head pastry chef, Sebastian, again, he hated my guts. He was like, why is this Australian girl who can't speak French here in my bakery and why do I have to look after her? And then the only other raw pastry chef was a Korean girl called Yung Ji. And she, bless her, like she just took me under her wing and everything that I learned was pretty much from her. But I came back to Australia speaking French with a Korean accent.
Yeah, the French, they're not particularly fond of people in France who don't speak much French, are they? No, like it's almost a common theme around the world, Wendell. Oh, look, there are plenty of places that are very nice to you if you don't speak their language. Yeah, I just don't think the French are big fans of anyone. I don't think they're really like many people.
Was it hard to get into that bakery? Did you have to beg or anything or was it just just a kind of fortunate moment that you found Sebastian? Oh, well, so Sebastian wasn't the owner. He was the head pastry chef, but Christophe, the owner. When I first went to the bakery, I was so hypnotised by the beauty of it and watching the experience of like all the slim French women lining up and buying their croissants and walking out the door, shoving them in their mouths.
I'm like, I just need to be part of this. And so the next day I emailed Christophe, the owner, and I just told him how much I'd loved the experience. And I said, I don't suppose you'd take me on as an apprentice. And he'd met me for about five minutes and given me all these free pastries. And he was the only one that spoke English in the bakery. And he wrote back to me and he said, well, we don't normally take people, but I can just see the same passion and motivation in you that was in me. So yeah, when would you like to start? And sometimes I feel like, you know, I could have asked him a week later and maybe his mindset would have been different and he would have said no, or so many serendipitous things had to happen to make that like that be a yes. And yeah, just got him at the right moment.
And did your old man start immediately visualising all of the croissants he's going to be having and being able to walk into fancy French. The funny thing is like, apart from motor racing, dad's other favourite thing is France. He loves crepes and croissants and cream and just like everything about French culture. He took French lessons forever. And I definitely landed on F1 because of dad, but the croissant thing was a big coincidence.
So he's gotten pretty lucky over the years. Yeah, he's lucked in both times. He'd be stoked with that. Yeah.
And then coming back to Melbourne and setting it all up, I imagine the hours would have been off the charts. It's the very early mornings.
The first few years of Loon, so the first two years, it was just me by myself. And I was working about 100 hours a week. And when it's you by yourself, you do literally every job. It's not just making the croissants, it's invoicing and deliveries and getting the ingredients and the cleaning. And I slept in on a little mezzanine above the bakery. So my whole life was Loon. But then about 18 months in, I asked my brother to join. So initially, it had been this little wholesale bakery that I supplied croissants to some of Melbourne's amazing espresso bars.
And then I decided that I wanted a little customer facing shop because I wanted to see the people enjoying the croissants. See the people lining up. Yeah, I wanted to see people lining up. I didn't want to miss that.
Very motivating. You're like, well, I've toiled in the kitchen for 100 hours and now I can see people wanting what I'm doing and what I'm making. So my brother joined and Cam and I would get to the bakery at about 2.45 in the morning. He makes an amazing coffee. He'd make an espresso and a flat white for both of us. And I'd make a bit of fruit toast. And then he would talk to me about NBA and we'd listen to rap and we'd work like 180, 100 hours a week together.
It was a lot, brother and sister. Were there some, I'm assuming there were some straining times, spending that much time with anybody over the course of a week? Infamously, our first huge fight happened when we were shaping butter. And we both had our very sharp chef's knives and we were standing across the table from each other, wielding knives at each other.
Yelling a few explainers at each other as well. Oh, do you know what? My language, even going through university with all boys and then working with all men in an F1 team, my language was so good until I started working with my brother. And I reckon I swear more than him now. I've kept it really clean for the podcast, but like, I think my mum is disgusted at my language sometimes.
And it's 100% Cam's fault. It's all Cam's fault.
So can you tell us about, um, after you've gone through all of this and you open up your shop for the first time and you've got your first customers, how did that day go? I mean, everyone always has, you know, like a little bit of teething issues here and there, but like, I'm interested to know how your first day went.
Well, the first day, the first day was really successful and we sold out. This was like when we turned it into the little customer facing business. We sold out at maybe like 10 or 11 in the morning. At this stage, not a lot of people knew about us. And the next day we were really pumped and we were ready, you know, we'll sell out by 10 or 11 again. And by 10 or 11, 10 or 11 o'clock, we had so many pastries leftover and we're like, we're done.
This is a failure. And I remember like we shut up shop. It was such a, I can't think of the word, but we just basically gave in.
And I remember driving around Melbourne, handing out croissants to all my friends that day. And I think ever since that moment, Cam and I have never taken for granted the line or that people will show up. And I remember in the early days, I mean, the lines started pretty much the next weekend. And so from then on, we always had customers and we knew that we would sell out every day, but it didn't change the fact that every morning we'd both say to each other, Oh my God, I hope customers show up. Like I hope we haven't done all this work in vain. And you know, then you'd open the door at 8am and there was 200 people lined up around the block and you're like, Oh, thank God, they're back. And I think I still feel like that, you know, 11 years later.
Has there ever been any temptation to really sort of scale the business up to the point where you've got, you know, hundreds of shops and you know, you've got like all these ones all over the country or all over the world? I think, I mean, obviously that idea goes through your head, but it's like, it's gone through my head and then left very quickly. croissants are notoriously very difficult to make and they require very talented and skilled pastry chefs. At Loon, we're constantly trying to improve them. So it's an ongoing innovation where we critically analyse every part of the three day process on a daily basis to see how we can do it better. And that's just really difficult to scale the level that you're talking about.
I mean, you know, we, we moved from that tiny shop to now what's our flagship store in Fitzroy, which is still, I think one of the most beautiful bakeries in the world. And then I think we moved there in 2015. And since then, we now have two more stores in Melbourne and we have two stores in Brisbane. And at the end of this year, we'll have our first store in Sydney.
And that's felt like fairly rapid, but controlled growth from our perspective. And, you know, our recruitment's rigorous, our training processes, like we reckon it takes about six months from a pastry chef coming on board to them fully understanding how we make croissants. So that timescale and that challenge isn't something that you could roll out into hundreds and hundreds of stores.
And I was curious, are there crimes against croissants? Are there particular ways that, you know, people eat them or particular things that they could do? I know we spoke about Vegemite and ham and cheese at the top of the show there, which probably is a crime against croissants. No, no. Like our biggest selling pastry is the ham and cheese, but we don't, we don't get a plain one and cut it in half and then put that in. We actually incorporate the ham and cheese into the raw pastry and bake it.
So like the cheese holds on. Yeah. It's like, it's when you boys are in Melbourne, I'm giving you the croissant experience of your life. What tips? Are there any things we shouldn't do or should do? Yeah.
Like the poor ex staff member, I talked about this in a newspaper article and she read it and she knew I was talking about her. I went back into the staff room one day and cut a croissant in half and filled it with Maggi Minute noodles. And I just remember walking in going, what the fuck are you doing? Two minute noodles in the croissant.
She sounds like a Queenslander to me. I thought you were going to say she sounds like a queen.
But yeah, there's, I don't believe in dunking croissants in your coffee. And I know that's a really French thing to do, but it makes the whole thing soggy. And one of the joys of eating a croissant is that textural difference between the crunch on the outside and then the beautiful soft buttery layers on the inside. And why would you want to sog that up by dunking it in your coffee? But I'm also not one to tell people how they can and can't eat their croissants.
Like if they've stood in a line for an hour and a half, they can do whatever they want. The greatest atrocity to a Loon croissant. Across the road from Loon Fitzroy, the apartment block, a couple of guys used to live there that worked as cocktail bartenders in a nearby bar. And they'd get home, you know, four or five in the morning when our customers were starting to line up and they'd sit on their balcony and like heckle the customers drinking beers. And so we had to have like a bouncer out the front who was keeping the customers quiet and also managing this. And they'd always shout down to him, hey man, can't you just chuck us up some croissants? So one day the line was short and the bouncer was like, hey, you know what? If there's ever a time you're going to get croissants, I'd come and join the line today. You've got your best chance of not waiting too long.
So we had this epic like chocolate hazelnut twice baked thing. It was like $13. And they bought a bunch of pastries, but they bought one of these. And about a half an hour later, there was like the line was super long by this stage.
And there was this commotion outside and Cam went out to see what had happened. And the bartender had taken this like chocolate hazelnut croissant, which was like weighty. It was like a brick and he'd thrown it at one of the customers in line from his balcony. And it had hit this guy on the head and he was covered in like icing sugar and flakes. And he was really, I mean, he wasn't upset. He was just confused like in a bit of shock. And Cam was so mad that he picked the like offending croissant up off the ground, packed it. So it was really tight and he threw it and like it missed this guy's head by millimetres. I can't, was old mate just giggling off his head at that? Just, yeah, I mean, to be fair, I can see that being a humorous image of a croissant hitting this man and just going, like what just hit my head. And it would have hurt because it was heavy. So anyway, Cam went around to the bar and made a formal complaint against the bartender and he had to come in and formally, he walked into the cube, which is like the climate controlled room that we make the pastries in. And I was on the laminator, the main piece of equipment that we use to create the layers. And he walked in and I reckon he was half cut still. And he's like, well, I'm really sorry for throwing a croissant at one of your customers.
I'm like, you don't mean it. And we got into a big fight. And I'm like, anyway.
How long were those guys there for? Oh, too long.
Actually one of our least, like, I guess one of our greatest foes is a French guy that lives nearby. He fucking hates us. Like, I just, yeah, he hates us. I'm like, can't you just be happy that the street smells like butter and croissants, but every opportunity to complain about us, he has a go, so. Ah, some people are just like that, I guess, aren't they?
It's probably just to do with the submarine deal. Oh, I think that it's definitely to do with the submarine deal.
Yeah.
Well, maybe you need some drunken bartenders to throw a croissant at him when he walks past. I don't think he deserves that.
Well, Kate, we look forward very much to popping in and having some of these delightful croissants. So we'll have the ham and cheese. It sounds quite nice, but I'll have a savoury one. It's very good. I'll get you one fresh out of the oven. When the cheese is like still stringy, like it pulls from your mouth to the pastry. And yeah, it's very good. Sounds delightful.
Thank you very much for jumping on today and sharing the story and a few laughs. Very enjoyable. And we look forward to seeing you soon. Thank you so much. Can't wait to see you in Melbourne.
I actually, the greatest atrocity to a Loon croissant across the road from Loon Fitzroy, the apartment block, a couple of guys used to live there that worked as cocktail bartenders in a nearby bar. And they'd get home, you know, four or five in the morning when our customers were starting to line up and they'd sit on their balcony and like heckle the customers drinking beers. And so we had to have like a bouncer out the front who was keeping the customers quiet and also managing this. And they'd always shout down to him, hey man, can't you just chuck us up some croissants? So one day the line was short and the bouncer was like, hey, you know what?
If there's ever a time you're going to get croissants, I'd come and join the line today. You've got your best chance of not waiting too long.
So we had this epic, like chocolate hazelnut twice baked thing. It was like $13 and they bought a bunch of pastries, but they bought one of these. And about a half an hour later, there was like the line was super long by this stage. And there was this commotion outside and Tam went out to see what had happened. And the bartender had taken this like chocolate hazelnut croissant, which was like weighty. It was like a brick. And he'd thrown it at one of the customers in line from his balcony and it had hit this guy on the head and he was covered in like icing sugar and flakes.
And he was really, I mean, he wasn't upset. He was just confused like in a bit of shock. And Tam was so mad that he picked the like offending croissant up off the ground, packed it. So it was really tight and he threw it and like it missed this guy's head by millimetres. I can't, was old mate just giggling off his head at that? Just, yeah. I mean, to be fair, I can see that being a humorous image of a croissant hitting this man and just going. Like what just hit my head and it would have hurt because it was heavy.
So anyway, Cam went around to the bar and made a formal complaint against the bartender and he had to formally, he walked into the cube, which is like the climate controlled room that we make the pastries in. And I was on the laminator, the main piece of equipment that we use to create the layers. And he walked in and I reckon he was half cut still.
And he's like, well, I'm really sorry for throwing a croissant at one of your customers. I'm like, you don't mean it. And we got into a big fight and I'm like...
How long were those guys there for? Oh, too long.
Actually, one of our, one of our least, like, I guess one of our greatest foes is a French guy that lives nearby. He fucking hates us. Like, I just, yeah, he hates us. I'm like, can't you just be happy that the street smells like butter and croissants, but every opportunity to complain about us, he has a go, so. Ah, some people are just like that.
It's probably just to do with the submarine deal. Oh, I think that it's definitely to do with the submarine deal.
Well, maybe you need some drunken bartenders to throw a croissant at him when he walks past. Well, Kate, we look forward very much to popping in and having some of these delightful croissants. I will have the ham and cheese. It sounds quite nice, but I'll have a savoury one. It's very good. I'll get you one fresh out of the oven. When the cheese is like still stringy, like it pulls from your mouth to the pastry and yeah, it's very good. Sounds delightful.
Thank you very much for jumping on today and sharing the story and a few laughs. Very enjoyable. And we look forward to seeing you soon. Thank you so much. Can't wait to see you in Melbourne. |
SaturdayNightLive | bill_kurtis_looping_session_saturday_night_live | All right, I think all the levels are set. Yeah, Bill. we've just got a few pickups for the new show. You want to start with the Radio Spot? Sure thing, Randy! I'm Bill Curtis. join me on my new show Inside the Mind of the Serial Killer. Only on the A&e Great Bill. how many shows they got you doing over there at A&e now? Well, there's Inside Investigations, Cold Case Files, American Justice, but this new one is all about serial killers. Sounds interesting though. I hope so.
I'm sorry. I missed your daughter's birthday party.
Jeannie. how was that? Oh, thanks for asking. It was great. Okay, looping session for Bill Curtis.
Inside the Mind of a Serial Killer and she loved your gift certificate to Build a Bear Workshop. it's fantastic, isn't it? you can build any kind of bear you want. My daughter my granddaughter made a little Japanese bear with a kimono. it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. that sounds fantastic. Okay, I'll line 172 B and in a chillin' twist he made love to the corpse. That's a keeper. You know, I really get a kick it out that build a bear. The kids get to put their little little message inside the heart lights up. it's great.
Randy. Did you try any of that jalapeno jelly over at the craft services table? Yeah, is that some of yours, Bill? I can't really take credit. my Janice does it all herself. Oh, it was fantastic. You know, she's a great woman. How's her mom really good? thanks for asking Randy. you got it. Sorry, Bill, we're gonna.
You know what? I like if I get a sweet tooth. I put a tablespoon. I put a tablespoon with some of that jelly on a rye crisp. the whole thing is only two points.
I was until the holidays hit. Okay, next line once again. when they found the corpse, both ring fingers were missing. Fantastic!
They've got this new Weight Watchers menu at Applebee's All the points are right there on the menu. I know my kids love that Applebee's They always get the chicken tenders.
Top of page six. Bill on the wall was a single word release written in human feces. You know, Genie, They've got a chocolate pie there that is fantastic. The whole slice Only seven points. Bill. Top of page eight. As if cooking his own genitals wasn't enough. that's great. How many points on that turkey sub over at Subway? Only five points for the six-inch sub we're rolling. Bill: Yeah, I mean that Jared guy lost all that weight.
Sadly, three of the anuses were never identified.
Great. Top of Page three Bill: inside the storage locker. Another chilling discovery. An ape suit made entirely out of pubic hair. That was my fault. Top of Page Four. With the help of a hammer and some cold medicine, Lonnie Womack had finally discovered the tools he needed to make his own sex zombie. You nailed it again. Hey, have you guys seen Donnie's weight loss zone? No. What is that? it's this website? I guess it's got all the points for everything. Taco Bell, whatever. Why would you know about that? it's my girlfriend, My girlfriend, my girlfriend. I'm teasing me. All right, Bill, please. 9060. Then Margaret Shinklin made yet another chilling discovery. The change person. her hand was actually a human scrotum. That's just fantastic, you know what? guys, I think that's a wrap. Hey, say Randy, I brought my guitar in since we've got some extra time on the session.
Could I just go? Absolutely? Bill? Anything for you? |
TheOnion | Political_Talk_Show_Host_Suddenly_Very_Interested_In_Manslaughter_Law_Loopholes | I'm Gregory Dawson filling in for Clifford Banes, who is the new mayor of Baltimore.
A recent survey shows that most Americans are confused about the laws regarding manslaughter. For example, if someone were to pull out of an Applebee's parking lot at 1.30 in the morning last Tuesday and hit a pedestrian walking on the side of the road, would that constitute manslaughter? Absolutely. I think that far too many of these laws are written too ambiguously. They're too confusing, aren't they? Yeah, but in the majority of cases, guilt is going to be determined by the specific context. Ah, that's a good point. Context is important. For example, if a person were to hit a pedestrian while driving on the road at night, it couldn't be argued that it is the fault of the pedestrian for wearing a dark navy blue jacket that's hard to see while driving at night.
That's the kind of argument that a lawyer would certainly make, yeah. Those slimy attorneys. They can use legal loopholes to get their scumbag clients out of absolutely anything.
Absolutely. Unbelievable. Great, great. You could even imagine one proving the innocence of a driver who hit a pedestrian and dragged him under his car for six minutes before realizing that the noise he was hearing was not his brakes, but human screaming.
Um, I don't... That's a difficult... Let's move on.
Euthanasia is a big issue. If a person is in pain, say lying on the asphalt, gasping for breath, bleeding out of one ear, isn't it the humane thing to do to put this person out of their misery by stepping on their neck until they die? See, Terrence, you've written that you believe in euthanasia.
Do you still stand by that? In some cases, yes. But the example you just cited does sound more like murder than euthanasia, I think. Murder? Anyone who does that should get the chair. New topic. Children. Are they trustworthy? A new USA Today poll indicates that American nine-year-olds were recently sitting in the backseat of their car and watched out the window as their daddies did something very bad. Can we trust them to keep their little mouths shut? I don't know if I personally feel qualified to address that. They should turn their daddy in. Okay, moving on. Does anyone own a hacksaw? |
cracked | the_mind_blowing_hidden_meaning_of_back_to_the_future | Hey Butt-Heads, and welcome to another award-wanting installment of Cracked's Think-Em-Ups, the series of thoughtful essays slash goof-larious hilarities in the form of streaming video. Today I'd like to talk to you about why Doctor Who's The Doctor is secretly terrible at everything he's ever done, and now that I have your attention, I'd like to talk to you about Back to the Future. We at Cracked have already explained how the second version of Marty McFly in the first film actually sacrifices his own life in order to save the space-time continuum. It's true. Trust us, he dies, I promise. But I have something even more important to tell you. Without Marty McFly, and by association George McFly, and if we're splitting hairs and also Seamus McFly, without the McFly's, you would have no free will. Nope, nope, no, stop, we already did that. Back to the Future is pretty damn quotable. It's got some great memorable lines, like...
You've got to come back with me. We go back to the future. I have to go back. We have to go back. We've got to go back.
Classic moments from Back to the Future, but maybe the most important line comes at the very end of the trilogy. Everything is set right, and Doc appears in his time train, parading out his poor frog-eyed mute children that he's named Jules and Vern, because the only thing Doc Brown hates more than kids is his own kids. Then, Jennifer pulls out the facts from the future, the one that said you're fired until it erased when Marty decided not to race flee. What's it mean, she asks, to which Doc responds, it means your future hasn't been written yet. No one's has. Your future is whatever you make it. Yet, we've been shown time and time again that people's futures have been written. The entire second film was actually about that.
In the future, your kid goes to jail, so let's go where we don't need roads and fix it. But here, now, the facts have been erased. The future is no longer set in stone, or paper, or whatever. Doc and Marty fluttered around the past in the future so much, screwed with the space-time continuum so much, that they broke the damn thing. Doc can't travel the future anymore, because it's not even there. It's a white void, a blank page, a blank check.
That. Now, this also implies that they were destined to do this. Destined to create free will. Just as Lorraine was George's density, I mean, destiny. Doc and Marty's density, I mean, destiny, was to create free will.
In the first film, Doc Brown dreamt up the flux capacitor. He didn't come up with ideas or equations to make time travel possible. He had a vision of what the flux capacitor looks like. That's it. He was destined to make the flux capacitor.
The universe forced him to invent time travel and give everyone the power of choice. Because Back to the Future wasn't about Marty saving himself from his flaws. It was about Marty saving humanity from a future they weren't allowed to choose.
Oh! Also, it was about motherf***ing. Dude almost f***ed his mother. Roll sound, shoot, roll camera, and action.
Hey everyone, we're crack.com's After Hours crew. You'll notice we're wearing super cool and stylish shirts that you can actually get right now from the brand new crack store called The Crack Dispensary.
It takes whatever kind of money you have to throw at it. Michael has this shirt. Tell us a little bit about it. Dan has this lovely shirt. Dan, tell us a bit about that shirt. It's Theodore. Katie's got a different shirt as well. It's Tesla. Soren. My shirt has a thesaurus on it, and it's full of golf balls. What the f***? |
dropout | insulting_the_boss_with_a_punk_rock_video_hardly_working | I need to talk to you guys about your music video. You said we could do side projects! You said you were starting a pop-punk band to take down the establishment. You did not say that I was the establishment.
We don't know what you're talking about. Okay. What?
I don't think our love will be free Cause my boss is running me His name is Sammy Preacher's butt He's no taller than five-five There! You called me out by name and you made fun of my height!
Dude, I know what it is. You hear Sam, you think we're talking about you. Not you, man. We're talking about Uncle Sam. From America stuff. Uncle Sam. Not you, Sam. Okay, I guess that makes some sense.
We're getting New York City Corrupted high on 11th Street Writing comedy for Sam He's probably only live for ten We work in New York City on 11th Street Writing comedy, and somehow I'm getting even shorter. This song is about 9-11, Sam. No. No. 11th Street? 9-11? Comedy? The 9-11 Commission Report?
Talk about a joke. Two words, Sam. Inside job. I've got something in my pocket for ya. Loose change!
All I'm seeing is from where I'm sitting This all seems like an elaborate joke about my height. Wow!
It's not about you, man. It's about justice.
My boss is a dick And he don't know shit His name is Sam And he's full of men Sam Rice, Sam Rice He's my boss, Sam Rice Sam Rice, Sam Rice He's about 4-3 I am not 4-3 This song's about the Holocaust What? Yep, because Sam Reich Third Reich And we said 4-3 Because 1943, that works Okay, maybe I'm just Being a little sensitive Is this my permanent? Okay, so there is shit in the bed Alright, thanks, honey, I'll see you tonight Kinda rude you make phone calls during meetings You shit in my bed Yeah, it looks like we took a dump in your bed Okay, looks can be deceiving Because I think you might have taken a dump in your bed And you know what it was?
An inside job Loose change, Sam! How do you have so many coins? I forgot to stop at Coinstar! |
dropout | the_roast_of_abercrombie_fitch | Ever, Krabby, you make clothing for the cool kids in high school. But guess what happens to those cool kids? They grow up and work at you! Seriously, though, you're like a brother to me. An older brother, whom Mom makes hang out with me. It is so good to be here, you guys.
Victoria's Secret, you are looking hot. You know the main difference between Victoria's Secret and Fredericks of Hollywood. Victoria's Secret sells lingerie to girls who want to dress up a little slutty. Fredericks sells lingerie to sluts who want to dress up like little girls.
Thanks, guys. Really indifferent to be here. Tap out's here. Hey, tap out. She may look forever 21, but she's only 13. I found it the hard way. American Apparel, everyone. The most money I've ever spent on camel toe. Next to Lulu Lemon. But on the plus side, tap out has something to masturbate to. And on the plus side, Lane Bryant.
Urban Outfitters, where unique individuals go to dress like every other unique individual. I've actually got my own Urban Outfitters at home, yeah. It's a dryer where I can shrink my t-shirts and a toilet I can flush my money down. Seriously, though, seriously, it is an honor to dig through y'all's trash. After all, sheeple, living in a construct following your shepherd, the almighty dollar.
Gaps here. They make t-shirts in every color of the rainbow, which is weird, because only one color wears them. White. Yeah. Got Jake Crue in Banana Republic. What up? The second they saw me, they understood why Hot Topic wants to chain his wallet to himself. I feel guilty about being white. Hey, talk about white.
I carpooled here with Patagonia and North Face. Saves money and the environment. Y'all should really consider the carbon footprint you- Epicronic, I don't need you to make XL clothing.
If I want a pair of ripped, torn, and frayed jeans, I'll just try to fit into a size two. Seriously, though, I think I know why your jeans are so distressed. They saw you CEO. Mike Jeffries is so ugly, he looks like Gary Busey, old biff, and sloth from the goonies had an orgy, and that's what crawled out from the bottom. Okay, okay, but seriously, ladies and gentlemen, don't look at him for too long, your abs will turn to stone. And now, without further ado, let's welcome Abercrombie, a bitch! You don't get your big foot in the beat, Eddie! |
dropout | hardly_working_60s_day | Alright guys, next item, I don't want to be an ass-h here, but staples. If you're gonna use two staples, just use one.
They're not free. Oh my god, can we do something to make this more interesting? Hey, let's have a 60's theme day. It'll be really groovy, guys. Alright, tomorrow's 60's theme day. Yes! Next item in the agenda, loosely.
If you're gonna use two sheets, just use one.
What's the dive flower, children? He is loving me. Hey, the entertainment's arrived, gentlemen. As you can see, we're out of seats toots, but feel free to make yourself comfortable right here.
Pat, what would your wife say about that? I don't know, lads. Good next time, I'm at the dog pound. Ooh! I don't know, boys. Those legs could use a little work. What the hell is this? Whoa, check out the tongue on that one, fellas. Would I like to see it in action?
What happened to 60's day? You know, like hippies, love, peace, and grateful dead? This is 60's day, sweetheart.
Now go fetch me a highball and turn around real slow on the way out so I can see those Virginia hands. Whoa! Ew, that is so creepy. Whoa, watch out, boys. Kitty's got claws. Reminds me of my wife.
Oh, come on, guys. Settle down. We got a lot of work to do today. Ricky, these guys totally ruined my theme day idea. Okay, the skirt permission to talk. What is this, an office or a nail salon? Okay, you know what? Forget it. But tomorrow is cowboys and cowgirls.
Let's see you mess that one up. Giddy up, partners. Yee! Hey, come on over here. I'll show you my six-shooter. God damn it! |
cracked | iconic_movie_scenes_extended_silence_of_the_lambs | Tell me about the lambs, Glurries. They were, um... They were slaughtering them.
I, uh... I tried to open the gate, but, uh... They just stood there, confused.
I picked one up, and I grabbed it, and I ran. And I ran. It was just so heavy.
And what became of your little lamb? Well... It seems as though we found us. Whoo! I feel better. What? Yeah, it's just like a wave.
I never really talked about the lamb stuff before. Until today, I just... I just never... I never even realized it.
Until you, Dr. Lecter, and then in one conversation, you just got the whole thing out of me. Um... I am a psychiatrist, after all. Of course. And you are good. You know, can I talk to you about some other stuff? Of course. Quid pro quo.
Now, Buffalo Bill. Yeah, we'll talk about him in a minute. So, there's this guy, and I've been seeing him, and I can't quite tell if he's really into me or if he's, you know, just trying to bang me. Glurries, I think we should stay on the topic of Buffalo Bill.
By the way, what I was doing with the lamb, I was just trying to manipulate you. Get in your head, you know? Great job. You totally manipulated me, Dr. Lecter. I'm manipulated. And here's some more things that you can use to manipulate me. See, sometimes he takes a really long time to text back, but other times he's on it.
Now, you say this gentleman takes a while to text back? Right, only during the day, like at night. He texts back, like 2 a.m., no problem.
Oh, that's a booty call. Booty call? A booty call. But here's the thing, Dr. Lecter, he's introduced me to his friends. Yeah, he's probably doing that to show his friends, hey, look, this woman is my booty call.
What? Guys do that? Yes. What? Look, I said one question, one.
Now, we need to talk about Buffalo Bill. You're right, Dr. Lecter, you're right. So, um, he's been kidnapping women.
Yes. All size 14. Yes. All missing pieces of flesh from their bodies. All except one. Yes.
One is still alive. Yes, but this one's, um, she's different. Um, instead of taking from her, he's giving items to her. Sharing items with the victim.
Yes, a sweatshirt. It's like his personal favorite sweatshirt. Like, it's like he wears it for luck. It's like his UMass Amherst sweatshirt, and he's like, you know, give it back to me just whenever makes sense for you.
Which just feels like boyfriend behavior, right? Wait, I mean, I suppose it could be. Hold this, god damn it, this is about you again. Yes, but I mean, come on, what am I, what else am I supposed to do? That is boyfriend behavior. I don't know, all right. Obviously, you've got some issues that are heavily related to your abandonment that you felt when your father was murdered. Whoa, do you think that's where it's coming from? You're so right, I didn't even think about that before. Thank you, Dr. Lecter. Yes, this, now, how can I apply this to my new relationship? Okay, you know, I also eat people. So, take it for what it's worth. I'm so done with this conversation.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Guard? Guard. The guard? Yes, name's Jim.
Unbelievable. Look, do me a favor, this woman has the hearts for you, but apparently you're giving her mixed signals. Oh, really? I was just trying to play it cool. Really?
Oh, Jim, that was really helpful, thank you. Thank you, Dr. Lecter.
How is it going? Jim?
You see, your friend Jim has a severe painted allergy, shows severe that he has to carry an EpiPen with him at all times. This EpiPen.
Earlier tonight, Jim gorged himself on his favorite snack, Ritz crackers and cheese. He really went to town, except it wasn't cheese. It was peanut butter.
This is to remind you that in our relationship, I'll always have the upper hand. You're right, Doctor. Well, who was I thinking? This guy's not right for me. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, I dodged a bullet.
So there's this other guy named Owen. He's also a guard here. Yeah, I know him. Well... |
dropout | don_t_transfer_commercial | Tradition. Athletics. Brotherhood.
You haven't found any of these things at Quendalton State University. Isn't it time for a change? No.
At QSU we know the hardest thing about college is getting in and you've already done that. Sure, you could transfer, but do you really want to fill out another application? Do you even remember how to send SAT scores or what you got? QSU already knows your SAT score and it was just good enough.
Do you honestly expect to get a letter of recommendation from the professor of your 800-person lecture? Moving is hard, both furniture and Facebook networks. Who is the time? New campuses can be foreign and weird, not Quendalton States. You already know where stuff is. Okay, I want coke. You don't want to be the weird-ass transfer student. Trust me.
If you think the problem is Quendalton State and not you, just look around. Everybody else is happy. You can escape your school, but you can't escape you. Quendalton State University. Because it's easier to be lazy than happy. |
dropout | this_wizard_s_riddles_are_bad_riddles_all_nighter | College Humor's All-Nighter! Oh wow, Caldwell.
You look different somehow. Oh yeah, you might be noticing my, uh, nose.
Guys! There's a wizard in the office! Nothing else matters! Follow me. Dang it. Hold! I am the wizard your friend here was just telling you about. Here I have a stone of great power that can be any one of yours, if... you can answer my ancient riddle. Tell me your riddle, wizard. Ah! You cannot see me! Yet I slay kings and level mountains. What am I? I've got it. Your time. Incorrect!
What? I am an invisible crossbow with high-powered explosive bolts. Wait, what? Well, it's a crossbow so it can kill kings, but because of the explosive arrows, then it can also take down mountains, and plus with the invisibility feature, then it is invisible.
So you see, it's a thing. Technically, yes. It's just kind of an underwhelming answer. Don't fret.
I have more riddles than stars in the sky. Give me one. I am a creature, but with one voice. Yet I walk with four foot, with two foot, and with three foot. What am I?
It's man. Yeah, because as a baby, he's on four legs. Then adult, he's on two. And then he uses a cane as an old man. It's three.
Of course. Yeah. How beautiful. You are wrong, young man. It is a tiger-gorilla hybrid with an extendable third leg. Come on.
What? What is that? Stop whining.
In its tiger mode, it is a four-legged animal, but then when it mutates into gorilla mode, then it becomes bipedal. It can activate its telescopic third leg, which comes out making it three-footed. The leg comes out very much c-c-c-c-c-c, slowly.
No, this is just really frustrating, man. Come on. Of course it's frustrating.
The answer was right underneath your noses. Really wasn't. Look, these just aren't good riddles, man. They're not ironic or clever.
You're just inventing stuff to match the things that you've asked us. How dare you? These riddles are as old as time herself. It's pretty progressive of you. Okay, where'd you get them from? Well, I found them in an old tree, along with this ancient puzzle. What is light as air, yet stronger than steel? Oh, that's easy.
It's wind.
You're wrong. It is actually vibranium-plated anti-gravity ships. Isn't that a cool thing? No, what is it? You're a fraud, man.
These are not ancient riddles. They're filled with modern references and stuff. That's nonsense. I wrote these eons ago. Wait, I thought you found them in a tree. Old tree? Yes, that's another type of a riddle.
Shut up! None of you are worthy of this amazing stone of power.
I don't know if I even want it anymore. It doesn't seem worth it. Yeah, I'm not sure what it even does. Ah, it grants what?
All men crave, yet very few acquire happiness. True love.
A bar in your basement. No, no, no. No, come on. Who doesn't want a bar in the basement? You can put your video games in beer taps?
It's the perfect man cave! Subscribe! More videos! |
TheOnion | The_Gameological_Society_June_Digest_The_Last_Of_Us | Hey, Gamalogeronies, it is your editor, John Tady, and it's time for another edition of our Chat and Chew review show, The Digest. Our guest this time is Drew Towle, Gamalogical contributor.
Our treat today is candy cigarettes. The theme this week is nostalgic candy, and it doesn't get any more nostalgic than this.
I don't know. I was surprised that they even sell these anymore. I had no idea. I mean, I thought we had done away with these when we...
Although all it does is teach kids to eat cigarettes, so it's really just training them to be...
And they're so terrible. I feel like maybe they should be around, because they're so terrible.
That's right. I mean, probably real cigarettes can be good. So today, friends, we are playing a little game called Tweet That Treat, and here's how it goes. My guest, Drew Towle, is going to compose an extemporaneous spoken word review of today's treat, candy cigarettes.
The object is for him to speak a review that will amount to 140 characters or less. You can't go over, Drew. You're trying to get as close to 140 characters as you can. All spelling and punctuation will be set according to Gamalogical's style, and all rulings are final.
Drew, are you ready? I think I'm ready.
Okay, everything you say from here on out will be part of your tweet. Drew Towle, Tweet That Treat.
Both King's candy cigarettes and real cigarettes will both probably give you cancer. But if you're going to go out, it's better to go out with the smooth flavor of Camel Lights.
Tweet that. Okay, Drew. Through the magic of television, we have just tabulated that last tweet. A hundred seventy-six characters, Drew, you have gone over. You have failed to tweet that treat.
God damn it. Alright, well Drew's going to lick his wounds, and we are going to talk now about The Last of Us for your PlayStation. Let's do it.
The Last of Us doesn't exactly break new ground. It's a shooter with zombies and a whole bunch of cutscenes. But thanks to a heartfelt, nuanced script and an alluring post-apocalyptic vision that features colors other than brown, this game brings new life to a familiar format. You play as Joel, a survivor of the zombie plague who accompanies fourteen-year-old Ellie on a desperate journey of hope into the American West. Their relationship is the thread that binds the adventure together, but the supporting characters who drift in and out of view are just as artfully drawn. With a new generation of consoles on the way, The Last of Us may be the work that defines the twilight of this era in video games.
I started out not liking Ellie very much. She's mouthy, she doesn't listen very well, she misbehaves a lot. But then I grew to like her and I realized that they really, they do take you on an arc with her where it's, I feel it's how I would really react to having a fourteen-year-old girl in my company.
Well, it just seems, I mean, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Having a teenage daughter seems like literally the worst thing I can think of.
But yeah, she proves later on, you know, to be a little more than just a smartass, you know. She helps you out and she, you know, she's got some spunk. Well, she does help you out.
And there's a pivotal moment in, you know, in the first, I don't know, eight hours of the game, which seems silly to say that. But there's a pivotal moment where Ellie saves your life, essentially. And you play this rugged gruff guy, Joel. Joel's seen some shit, he's not the happiest guy. But he grudgingly semi-thanks her for that. And that's when the ice starts to break, both for Joel and for me.
Because I love how Ellie asserts herself, it feels very real. You know, it's a very father-daughter relationship and that, you know, kind of comes into the story. But it seems like, you know, much more believable than, say, you know, Elizabeth from Bioshock. Right. Well, Bioshock is a more of a, like, spectacular and rough-and-tumble adventure, right? So I think that Elizabeth is a little more broadly drawn and she, you know, she fits a little better into the flash and spectacle of that, whereas I think Ellie fits in really well with this.
This is a slow game and this is often a very quiet game. And I think that the characters mirror that environment really well. Toward the end of the summer portion of the game, which is the first portion of the game, it all clicked. It just crystallized.
And it made sense to me insofar as, yes, we've been doing this somewhat dull slog. But I have been doing it with Ellie. We've been doing it together. And that built up a bond without me realizing it.
So I don't know if there's any way around the slow start in this particular game. Well, it wasn't like a tutorial, you know? It wasn't like an extended, this is how this game works, which is the worst, right? But it was more just, I guess, just kind of getting familiar with the situation.
You pick up supplements and you pick up potted plants and both of these things can be used to, like, upgrade yourself, make your aim steadier, make you stronger and whatnot. That, to me, doesn't jibe with the rest of the game. Sticking some scissors on the end of a pipe and then sticking it through somebody's brain makes sense in the context of the game. But yes, swapping some pills off a counter and then improving yourself through performance enhancing drugs doesn't, yeah, it doesn't make a ton of sense.
No. I mean, you can play a lot of the game without them too, you know? You don't actually have to use them. You don't really need, yeah.
But yeah, but yeah, it kind of, because the game definitely pulls you in, you know? It seems like all the characters are very believable, you know, despite the weird plant fungus zombie thing, like people's reactions and interactions all seem like things you would do with, you know, the way you would talk to your friends in that situation. It's very naturalistic.
I don't know if you noticed this, but the faces, there's a lot of talk about faces the past couple of years in video games, like L.A. Noire's faces were supposed to... Skyrim's faces?
It's all supposed to blow you away. I think this is the first time I've played a video game where I was so convinced by the faces that I didn't even think about, like, wow, how about that technology? Like when I played L.A. Noire, it was like, wow, those look pretty real. But this, I was just seeing a person. It was like I was almost out of the uncanny valley here. Yeah, no, for the entire time, because they were so realistic, I was like, oh, this is Gerard Butler and Ellen Page going across the country in some kind of weird buddy comedy.
So there's lots of barbed wire, there's lots of impassable, you know, like lots of rubble and things you can't, you know, abandoned cars you can't get around buses and stuff. Every stairwell has file cabinets blocking the top floor. Very neatly. They're so compact that you couldn't possibly get by. The rest of the house might be in complete order, but you cannot go upstairs. Somehow the entire stairwell collapsed on itself, even though the entire house is intact. Makes no sense. But you do do a lot of blocking doorways in this game, you know, and moving stuff in front of doors and away from doors. Just in time. There's secret passages for people to sneak out, you know, but they're all covered by file cabinets, apparently.
Or dumpsters. Oh, that's right, that's another thing you have to hunt around for, dumpsters. But I noticed not every dumpster will do. It seems that our hero only prefers dumpster brand dumpsters for his stepping on needs. There's like a blue dumpster, you definitely can't touch that one, obviously. No, I mean, this game is actually surprisingly focused on garbage and trash. I hadn't really thought of that before, but yeah, you're doing a lot of trash picking and dumpster diving in this one.
But this is my point, is that this is, the game employs all the standard, I mean it's by the people who made Uncharted, so it's all the sort of standard game design tropes that we've become familiar with. But all of it is done really well, and I think that this is, people should stop making games that behave like this, because they're not going to get any better than this. I mean, I'm being facetious, but you know what I mean.
It did kind of bother me a little bit that all the planks you found were all like the same width and length, you know. They could have varied the planks. Perfect length to get across, you know, from building to building.
This is more colorful than your standard zombie shooter, I felt. Like when you go outdoors, it's pretty lush and vibrant. I remember at one point you're in a toy store, it's really colorful.
You don't really agree with me on this point, I feel like, though. I agree with you, but I mean, I prefer my zombie apocalypse to be turd brown. Like my doctor.
Well there was some of that, in fairness. Yeah, no, there's plenty of that. The one scene that kind of stuck out for me was, you're in kind of the subway, you're kind of underground, and there's the spores or whatever have been released. It's all green.
You're in the water, flopping around in the water, trying to get through these subway trains, because apparently Ellie can't swim, which is annoying, and it's just green. You cannot see, and it's not atmospheric, it's not like you can't see and it's terrifying, it's just annoying. Being in the water is annoying under any circumstances.
If it had been turd brown, on the other hand... You would have been having a blast. Would have been fine.
Yeah. So, it may not be turd brown, but I feel that this is a game we're going to be talking about for a while. I think it's hard for me as a critic to say this, because it's such an imposition on people's time, but the first four or five hours don't give you enough of a picture of the whole game. It takes time. It's getting its hooks in you in those early hours, but you don't realize it. It takes time to blossom. It really... I mean, the progression is really nice, though, you know, honestly, even though, with the slow start, it really, you know, develops really well. I agree. It's patient. And I can't complain about a patient game, at least not this one.
So that's it for The Last of Us.
Derek Sanskrit will be here tomorrow. He's going to play tweet that treat, too, hopefully do better than Drew. And he's going to be talking about game and Wario.
So join us then. Thanks for watching. So long for now.
Well, it just seems... I mean, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Having a teenage daughter seems like literally the worst thing I can think of.
But yeah, she proves later on, you know, to be a little more than just a smart ass, you know. She helps you out and she, you know, she's got some spunk. Well, she does help you out.
And there's a pivotal moment in, you know, in the first, I don't know, eight hours of the game, which seems silly to have. But he grudgingly semi-thanks her for that. And that's when the ice starts to break, both for Joel and for me.
Because I love how Ellie asserts herself. It feels very real. You know, it's a very father-daughter relationship and that, you know, kind of comes into the story. But it seems like, you know, much more believable than say, you know, Elizabeth from Bioshock. Right. Well, Bioshock is more of a like spectacular and rough and tumble adventure, right? So I think that Elizabeth is a little more broadly drawn and she, you know, she fits a little better into the flash and spectacle of that. Whereas I think Ellie fits in really well with this.
This is a slow game and this is often a very quiet game. And I think that the characters mirror that environment really well. Toward the end of the summer portion of the game, which is the first portion of the game, it all clicked.
It just crystallized and it made sense to me insofar as, yes, we've been doing this somewhat dull slog, but I have been doing it with Ellie. We've been doing it together. And that has built up a bond without me realizing it.
So I don't know if there's any way around the slow start in this particular game. Well, it wasn't like a tutorial, you know, it wasn't like an extended, this is how this game works, which is the worst, right? And then, but it was more just, I guess, just kind of getting familiar with the situation.
You pick up supplements and you pick up potted plants and both of these things can be used to like upgrade yourself, make your aim steadier, make you stronger and whatnot. That to me doesn't jibe with the rest of the game. Sticking some scissors on the end of a pipe and then sticking it through somebody's brain makes sense in the context of the game. But yes, swapping some pills off a counter and then improving yourself through performance enhancing drugs doesn't, yeah, it doesn't make a ton of sense. I mean, you can play a lot of the game without, without them too, you know, like without the, you don't actually have to use it. You don't really need, yeah.
But yeah, but yeah, it kind of, because the game definitely pulls you in, you know, it seems like all the characters are very believable. You know, despite the weird plant, fungus, zombie thing, like people's reactions and interactions all seem like things you would do with, you know, the way you would talk to your friends in that situation. It's very naturalistic.
I don't know if you noticed this, but the faces, there's a lot of talk about faces the past couple of years in video games, like L.A. Noire's faces. Skyrim's faces.
It's all supposed to blow you away. I think this is the first time I've played a video game where I was soaked, but he grudgingly semi-thanks her for that. And that's when the ice starts to break, both for Joel and for me.
Because I love how Ellie asserts herself, it feels very real. You know, it's a very father-daughter relationship and that, you know, kind of comes into the story. It seems like, you know, much more believable than, say, you know, Elizabeth from Bioshock. Right. Well, Bioshock is more of a, like, spectacular and rough-and-tumble adventure, right? So I think that Elizabeth is a little more broadly drawn, and she, you know, she fits a little better into the flash and spectacle of that, whereas I think Ellie fits in really well with this.
This is a slow game, and this is often a very quiet game, and I think that the characters mirror that environment really well. Toward the end of the summer portion of the game, which is the first portion of the game, it all clicked. It just crystallized, and it made sense to me insofar as, yes, we've been doing this somewhat dull slog, but I have been doing it with Ellie. We've been doing it together, and that has built up a bond without me realizing it. So I don't know if there's any way around the slow start in this particular game.
Well, it wasn't like a tutorial, you know? It wasn't like an extended, this is how this game works, which is the worst, right? But it was more just, I guess, just kind of getting familiar with the situation.
You pick up supplements, and you pick up potted plants, and both of these things can be used to upgrade yourself, make your aim steadier, make you stronger and whatnot. That to me doesn't jibe with the rest of the game. Sticking some scissors on the end of a pipe and then sticking it through somebody's brain makes sense in the context of the game. But yes, swapping some pills off a counter and then improving yourself through performance enhancing drugs doesn't make a ton of sense. You can play a lot of the game without them, too. You don't actually have to use them.
The game definitely pulls you in. It seems like all the characters are very believable, despite the weird plant-fungus-zombie thing. People's reactions and interactions all seem like things you would do with, you know, the way you would talk to your friends in that situation. It's very naturalistic.
I don't know if you noticed this, but the faces, there's a lot of talk about faces the past couple of years in video games, like L.A. Noire's faces were supposed to... Skyrim's faces? Skyrim's faces.
It's all supposed to blow you away. I think this is the first time I've played a video game where I was Sokey. Saves your life, essentially.
And you play this rugged, gruff guy, Joel. Joel's seen some shit. He's not the happiest guy. But he grudgingly semi-thanks her for that. And that's when the ice starts to break, both for Joel and for me.
Because I love how Ellie asserts herself. It feels very real. You know, it's a very father-daughter relationship, and that kind of comes into the story. It seems much more believable than, say, Elizabeth from Bioshock. Right. Well, Bioshock is more of a spectacular and rough-and-tumble adventure. So I think that Elizabeth is a little more broadly drawn, and she fits a little better into the flash and spectacle of that, whereas I think Ellie fits in really well with this.
This is a slow game, and this is often a very quiet game, and I think that the characters mirror that environment really well. Toward the end of the summer portion of the game, which is the first portion of the game, it all clicked. It just crystallized, and it made sense to me, insofar as, yes, we've been doing this somewhat dull slog, but I have been doing it with Ellie. We've been doing it together, and that built up a bond without me realizing it. So I don't know if there's any way around the slow start in this particular game.
Well, it wasn't like a tutorial, you know? It wasn't like an extended, this is how this game works, which is the worst, right? But it was more just, I guess, just kind of getting familiar with the situation. You pick up supplements, and you pick up potted plants, and both of these things can be used to upgrade yourself, make your aim steadier, make you stronger, and whatnot. That to me doesn't jibe with the rest of the game. Sticking some scissors on the end of a pipe, and then sticking it through somebody's brain makes sense in the context of the game, but yes, swapping some pills off a counter and then improving yourself through performance-enhancing drugs doesn't, yeah, it doesn't make a ton of sense. No. I mean, you can play a lot of the game without them, too, you know? You don't have to think about, like, wow, how about that technology?
When I played L.A. Noire, it was like, wow, those look pretty real, but this, I was just seeing a person. I was almost out of the uncanny valley here. Yeah, no, for the entire time, because they were so realistic, I was like, oh, this is Gerard Butler and Ellen Page going across the country in some kind of weird buddy comedy.
So there's lots of barbed wire, there's lots of impassable, you know, like lots of rubble and things you can't, you know, abandoned cars you can't get around buses and stuff. Every stairwell has file cabinets blocking the top floor. Right, very neatly, very, you know. They're so compact that you couldn't possibly get by. The rest of the house might be in complete order, but you cannot go upstairs. Somehow the entire stairwell collapsed on itself, even though the entire house is intact.
Right. Makes no sense.
But you do do a lot of blocking doorways in this game, you know, and moving stuff in front of doors and away from doors. Just in time. There's secret passages for people to sneak out, you know, but they're all covered by file cabinets, apparently.
Or dumpsters. That's right, that's another thing you have to hunt around for, dumpsters. But I noticed not every dumpster will do. It seems that our hero only prefers dumpster-brand dumpsters for his stepping-on needs. There's like a blue dumpster, you definitely can't touch that one, obviously. No, I mean, this game is actually surprisingly focused on garbage and trash. I hadn't really thought of that before, but yeah, you're doing a lot of trash picking and dumpster diving in this one.
But this is my point, is that the game employs all the standard, I mean, it's by the people who made Uncharted, so it's all the sort of standard game design tropes that we've become familiar with, but all of it is done really well, and I think that this is, people should stop making games that behave like this because they're not going to get any better than this. I mean, I'm being facetious, but you know what I mean.
It did kind of bother me a little bit that all the planks you found were all like the same width and length, you know? They could have varied the planks. Perfect length to get across, you know, from building to building.
This is more colorful than your standard zombie shooter, I felt. When you go outdoors, it's pretty lush and vibrant. I remember at one point you're in a toy store, it's really colorful.
You don't really agree with me on this point, I feel like, though. I agree with you, but I mean, I prefer my zombie apocalypse to be turd brown.
Well, there was some of that, in fairness. Yeah, no, there's plenty of that.
The one scene that kind of stuck out for me was you're in kind of the subway, you're kind of underground, and there's the spores or whatever have been released. It's all green. You're in the water, flopping around in the water, trying to get through these subway trains, because apparently Ellie can't swim, which is annoying, and it's just green.
You cannot see, and it's not atmospheric. It's not like you can't see, and it's terrifying.
It's just annoying. Being in the water is annoying under any circumstances.
If it had been turd brown, on the other hand... You would have been having a blast. It would have been fine.
Yeah. So, it may not be turd brown, but I feel that this is a game we're going to be talking about for a while. I think it's hard for me as a critic to say this, because it's such an imposition on people's time, but the first four or five hours don't give you enough of a picture of the whole game.
It takes time. It's getting its hooks in you in those early hours, but you don't realize it. It takes time to blossom. It really... I mean, the progression is really nice, though, honestly. Even though, with the slow start, it really develops really well.
I agree. It's patient, and I can't complain about a patient game, at least not this one. So that's it for The Last of Us.
Derek's Sanskrit will be here tomorrow. He's going to play Tweet That Treat, too, hopefully do better than Drew. And he's going to be talking about Game and Wario.
So join us then. Thanks for watching. So long for now. Think about, like, wow, how about that technology?
Like, when I played L.A. Noire, I was like, wow, those look pretty real. But this, I was just seeing a person. It was like I was almost out of the uncanny valley here. Yeah, no, for the entire time, because they were so realistic, I was like, oh, this is Gerard Butler and Ellen Page going across the country in some kind of weird buddy comedy.
So there's lots of barbed wire, there's lots of impassable, you know, lots of rubble and things you can't, you know, abandoned cars you can't get around buses and stuff. Every stairwell has file cabinets blocking the top floor. Very neatly. They're so compact that you couldn't possibly get by. Yeah, the rest of the house might be in complete order, but you cannot go upstairs. Somehow the entire stairwell collapsed on itself, even though the entire house is intact. Makes no sense. But you do do a lot of blocking doorways in this game, you know, and moving stuff in front of doors and away from doors. Just in time. There's secret passages for people to sneak out, you know, but they're all covered by file cabinets, apparently.
Or dumpsters. Oh, that's right, that's another thing you have to hunt around for, dumpsters. But I noticed not every dumpster will do. Seems that our hero only prefers dumpster brand dumpsters for his stepping on needs. There's like a blue dumpster, you definitely can't touch that one, obviously. No, I mean, this game is actually surprisingly focused on garbage and trash. I hadn't really thought of that before, but yeah, you're doing a lot of trash picking and dumpster diving in this one.
But this is my point, is that this is, the game employs all the standard, I mean it's by the people who made Uncharted, so it's all the sort of standard game design tropes that we've become familiar with. But all of it is done really well, and I think that this is, people should stop making games that behave like this because they're not going to get any better than this. I mean, I'm being facetious, but you know what I mean.
It did kind of bother me a little bit that all the planks you found were all like the same width and length, you know. They could have varied the planks. Perfect length to get across, you know, from building to building.
This is more colorful than your standard zombie shooter, I felt. Like when you go outdoors, it's pretty lush and vibrant. I remember at one point you're in a toy store, it's really colorful.
You don't really agree with me on this point, I feel like, though. I agree with you, but I mean, I prefer my zombie apocalypse to be turd brown. Like my doctor.
Well, there was some of that, in fairness. Yeah, no, there's plenty of that.
The one scene that kind of stuck out for me was you're in kind of the subway, you're kind of underground, and there's the spores or whatever have been released. It's all green. You're in the water, flopping around in the water, trying to get through these subway trains, and because apparently Ellie can't swim, which is annoying, and it's just green.
You cannot see, and it's not like atmospheric. It's not like you can't see and it's terrifying.
It's just annoying. Being in the water is annoying under any circumstances.
If it had been turd brown, on the other hand... You would have been having a blast. It would have been fine.
Yeah. So, it may not be turd brown, but I feel that this is a game we're going to be talking about for a while. I think it's hard for me as a critic to say this, because it's such an imposition on people's time, but the first four or five hours don't give you enough of a picture of the whole game.
It takes time. It's getting its hooks in you in those early hours, but you don't realize it. It takes time to blossom. It really... I mean, the progression is really nice, though, honestly. Even though, with the slow start, it really develops really well.
I agree. It's patient, and I can't complain about a patient game, at least not this one. So that's it for The Last of Us.
Derek Sanskrit will be here tomorrow. He's going to play Tweet That Treat 2, hopefully do better than Drew, and he's going to be talking about game and Wario.
So join us then. Thanks for watching. So long for now.
You don't really have to use that much. You don't really need...
Yeah. But... Yeah, but yeah, kind of...
Because the game definitely pulls you in, you know? It seems like all the characters are very believable, you know, despite the weird plant fungus zombie thing. Right. People's reactions and interactions all seem like things you would do with, you know, the way you would talk to your friends in that situation. It's very naturalistic.
I don't know if you noticed this, but the faces, there's a lot of talk about faces the past couple of years in video games, like L.A. Noire's faces were supposed to... Skyrim's faces? Skyrim's faces.
It's all supposed to blow you away. I think this is the first time I've played a video game where I was so convinced by the faces that I didn't even think about, like, wow, how about that technology? Like when I played L.A. Noire, I was like, wow, those look pretty real. But this, I was just seeing a person. It was like I was almost out of the uncanny valley here. Yeah, no, for the entire time, because they were so realistic, I was like, oh, this is Gerard Butler and Ellen Page going across the country in some kind of weird buddy comedy.
So there's lots of barbed wire, there's lots of impassable, you know, like lots of rubble and things you can't, you know, abandoned cars you can't get around buses and stuff. Every stairwell has file cabinets blocking the top floor.
Very neatly. Very, you know.
They're so compact that you couldn't possibly get by. The rest of the house might be in complete order, but you cannot go upstairs. Somehow the entire stairwell collapsed on itself, even though the entire house is intact.
Right. Makes no sense.
But you do do a lot of blocking doorways in this game, you know, and moving stuff in front of doors and away from doors. Just in time. There's secret passages for people to sneak out, you know, but they're all covered by file cabinets, apparently.
Or dumpsters. That's right, that's another thing you have to hunt around for, dumpsters. But I notice not every dumpster will do. It seems that our hero only prefers dumpster brand dumpsters for his stepping on needs. There's like a blue dumpster, you definitely can't touch that one, obviously. No, I mean, this game is actually surprisingly focused on garbage and trash. I hadn't really thought of that before, but yeah, you're doing a lot of trash picking and dumpster diving in this one.
But this is my point, is that the game employs all the standard, I mean, it's by the people who made Uncharted, so it's all the sort of standard game design tropes that we've become familiar with, but all of it is done really well, and I think that this is, people should stop making games that behave like this because they're not going to get any better than this. I mean, I'm being facetious, but you know what I mean.
It did kind of bother me a little bit that all the planks you found were all like the same width and length, you know. It would have varied the planks. Perfect length to get across, you know, from building to building.
This is more colorful than your standard zombie shooter, I felt. Like when you go outdoors, it's pretty lush and vibrant. I remember at one point you're in a toy store, it's really colorful.
You don't really agree with me on this point, I feel like, though. I agree with you, but I mean, I prefer my zombie apocalypse to be turd brown.
Well, there was some of that, in fairness. Yeah, no, there's plenty of that.
The one scene that kind of stuck out for me was you're in kind of the subway, you're kind of underground, and there's the spores or whatever have been released. It's all green. You're in the water, flopping around in the water, trying to get through these subway trains, because apparently Ellie can't swim, which is annoying, and it's just green.
You cannot see, and it's not like atmospheric. It's not like you can't see, and it's terrifying.
It's just annoying. Being in the water is annoying under any circumstances.
If it had been turd brown, on the other hand... You would have been having a blast. Would have been fine.
Yeah. So it may not be turd brown, but I feel that this is a game we're going to be talking about for a while. I think it's hard for me as a critic to say this, because it's such an imposition on people's time, but the first four or five hours don't give you enough of a picture of the whole game. It takes time. It's getting its hooks in you in those early hours, but you don't realize it. It takes time to blossom. It really... I mean, the progression is really nice, though, you know, honestly, even though with the slow start, it really develops really well. I agree. It's patient, and I can't complain about a patient game, at least not this one.
So that's it for The Last of Us. Derek's Sanskrit will be here tomorrow. He's going to play Tweet That Treat, too, hopefully do better than Drew, and he's going to be talking about game and Wario, so join us then. Thanks for watching. So long for now. |
wearethesundayblues | fart_in_front_of_you_song_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | You and me must have been going steady for two or three months When I'm with you I feel I can be me I really feel like it's our destiny We're meant to be And you always let me eat your leftovers You voluntarily massage my shoulders And girl, what we have's the closest thing to perfection But there's one thing that I keep asking I just wanna know when the right time is To part in front of you I just don't know what you'll do Oh, will you stay Or head for the tour Don't wanna hold my feelings in anymore It's more than just a fart It's a message from my butthole to your heart You and me Three years together happily Still haven't shown you how I truly feel Wanna tell you how much you mean to me From the bottom of my dreams Just wanna give you some lovin' From the inside of a Dutch oven I've said I love you with my mouth Now it's time to say it way down south I just wanna know when the right time is To part in front of you I just don't know what you'll do Oh, will you stay Or head for the tour Don't wanna hold my feelings in anymore It's more than just a fart It's a message from my butthole to your heart Girl Love comes in many different forms Solid, liquid and gas I thought I knew when the right time was To part in front of you But I didn't think things through Think things through I froze Doing Netflix and chill Held it in all night until I felt ill The timing wasn't right I wanna save myself For a wedding night For a wedding night It's old fashioned like that I'm gonna give my all to you Girl, I wanna marry you That's right, marry you There's nothing in this world could change my mind If I marry you What was that?
You just fart?
Don't worry about that, it just happens when I'm a bit excited But yes, oh my god Yes, yes, the answer's yes I thought I knew when the right time was To part in front of you But I didn't think things through |
dropout | how_are_you_not_humiliated_hardly_working | your dad was my first kiss yeah I know I just want to hear from you does he ever talk about me oh my god guys the most embarrassing thing happened at my comedy show last night what what happened so I was doing this bit where I was standing on a chair and then I fell in front of everyone that's the most embarrassing thing I can possibly imagine when I fell on my shoe hooked into the chair and the chair came down with me yeah it was pretty humiliating and I didn't really even feel it until this morning when I got this okay yeah okay that is embarrassing but I mean who hasn't fallen in public right oh for sure I have a good face plant like once a week come on you're overreacting it wasn't that bad right everybody's already forgotten about it are you guys stupid this is a huge deal my god I would literally go home and drown myself okay well I laughed it off and then kept going all right it's terrible look the public embarrassment is a fate worse than okay every single person is gonna remember this for the rest of their lives I doubt that I don't think that they're okay I was already feeling bad about that yeah you should feel bad freaking terrible about this okay your career is over how many people are in the audience tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me it was less than one tell me it's less than one person no it wasn't less than one no like 20 20 listen to me right now every single one of those people went home and they told all their friends and all their friends nobody and some of these people have been tweeting about this and then those people those people's followers know about it Katie let's end okay let's move on you're making way too big of a deal I want to die thinking about what happened to you Katie cut it out are you serious you shit your pants again you should be embarrassed not guys I do this a lot and I bounce back hi it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor if you want to subscribe click over here and for more fun stuff click over here and if you want access to College Humor's secret site make sure you send your social security number your credit card information and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me |
TheOnion | i_despot_the_brutal_two_year_reign_of_an_undercover_edge_reporter | Let's burn Barcelona to the ground. Spiky as fuck.
Today on Edge, we tell the forgotten story of Bahrain. It's a war-torn landscape of savagery and chaos, a hell on earth, that Edge reporter Justin Perez ruled over as a merciless despot for 24 months to see just how deadly and depraved it could be. This is his story. When Edge first installed me as the ruler of Bahrain for a field assignment in 2013, I didn't know what to expect. I'd just graduated from Swarthmore and I'd heard the region was dangerous. And after two years undercover as the leader of the world's most bloodthirsty dictatorship, things became more clear. The country was in total fucking chaos and all of it was caused almost entirely by me. Early on in my reign, I managed to film the shocking human rights abuses I committed by sneaking a camera into one of the many detainment camps I built. Only on rare occasions were Bahrainians lucky enough to escape my reign, like Hamad Salman, who found asylum in the US and who I was seeing for the first time in two years.
No, no, I'm not gonna cut off your feet. That was like five assignments ago. No, no, no, Ashmeen, no, Ashmeen. After convincing Salman that I had no intentions of cutting off his feet, we sat down and chatted about his time under my rule.
Wow, that's fucking insane. You know, I'd almost forgotten about that.
I was disgusted with the horrors I perpetrated. But who was the bigger monster? Me, the man who personally strapped explosives to the families of my enemies and ordered my state-run media outlets to broadcast their executions as a lesson to others? Or the international community who stood by and did nothing? As the assignment drew on, things went from bad to thoroughly fucked. My paranoia over being deposed culminated in the night of flame in which I gathered my entire cabinet for a feast and then had guards set them on fire. All told, I exterminated over 200,000 of my own people in a campaign of tyranny and murder. The mainstream media may have forgotten the terrors I forced my people to endure, but I'm still haunted by their screams and by one disturbing question. If the world did nothing when I did this once, would it still say nothing if I did it again? |
dropout | hardly_working_alumni_all_nighter_2012 | We are in the hands of a master story-teller.
Yeah. Man, what happened here? Yo, am I in some topsy-turvy world or some shit? Seriously. Hey, can we help you guys? Nah, man.
Listen, we're all set. The front door is locked, so we kick through some rotting drywall and let ourselves in. My name's Chet, this is Melissa. We were in the hood.
Thought we'd stop by our old stomping grounds. Yeah, we used to go here. You used to work here?
No, you tard. We went to college here. Yeah. Sorry, you guys went to college on the third floor of an office building? Well, this turd only went for two years after SUNY as we go kicked him out.
Nerd. Don't ask why. I told a Columbine joke at orientation that I was MCing. I'm stoked. Anyway, listen, I cannot believe how different this place looks. Is that your desk, man? Yeah. Why?
No way.
Okay. When we went to college here, that was my dorm. My door. Do you believe that?
No. No, I can't.
I mean, I think I'd know if my workspace was somewhere that you lived. Actually, your workspace is where Melissa's dorm was.
13B represent. Oh. Always.
What the crap is that? Talking about a fake plant? You got rid of that dining hall, man. What? There is no way a dining hall was right there in that little plant's area.
Oh, really? Yeah, really. You were telling me I imagined myself stealing a sack of chicken fingers in 07. Yeah, right. Can we talk about that, by the way?
No. Are you sure?
Because it was kind of a legend. They called me the DH Bandit.
No. Don't talk about that. Never heard of it.
Okay, guys, at least tell me that the puke tree is still in existence. Well, I don't want to know what the puke tree is at all. Listen, kid, the puke tree is where we'd go on a Friday night and drink too much and then puke too much, okay?
Thank you.
I mean, it's like this place isn't even college anymore. Yeah, it's not college.
It's a website. Always has been. You're telling me. I mean, this place reeks of website.
What? Wait, wait, wait. A street. Yeah, dude?
I think I remember a place. There's actually a place right over there that smells strongly of vomit. No, that was where the puke log used to be. Actually, Lissy, I think that is where the bush used to be. Remember the bush we'd all go to on Friday night and drink too much and then puke?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that have a name? It's like something bush? I think you should leave. Yeah, yeah.
You guys should go. Fine. But before we go, can we get a quick snapshot with the two of you? That is a dope idea. You know, keep the tradition alive, all that junk. Come on. Hey, yo, doofus. Can you get our photo? No time, man.
Heading through the puke tree. We got a puke.
It's still here. Oh, you're right.
Puke tree. |
TheOnion | NASA_Discovers_This_Planet_Planet_Earth_Just_Might_Be_What_It_s_Been_Searching_For_All_Along | After decades of searching the cosmos, today NASA announced that what it was really looking for was right here on planet Earth all along. "...For years we foolishly chased after comets, moons and stars. Outer space may be beautiful, but it's not as beautiful as the smile of a child, nor as sublime as a good bottle of wine shared among friends. Our search ends where it began, here on this big blue marble." Astronomers say that while their telescopes were pointing at Mars, they never even noticed the planet that was right in front of them. NASA now plans to appreciate what they already have. The agency's latest report, entitled, Wonder is Everywhere, Finding the Beauty in the Everyday, calls for further study of the little things that truly give life meaning. "...Warm rain on a summer day, the smell of pine trees, touching the worn paper of your favorite book, that's what's always made us happy, not some asteroid a million miles away." NASA has now canceled all of its space research programs and is diverting its $17 billion budget toward experiencing something new every day. NASA, however, has made clear that it doesn't regret anything it's done, saying, "...We'll always treasure going to the moon. Even though we were two ships passing in the night, NASA will always remember that magical day in the summer of 69."
Next up, the Traffic Safety Administration admits they learned nothing by crashing dummies into walls. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_world_s_largest_tv | You are watching The Bloop, brought to you by Mountain Dew Voltans. This week I'm here with Pat Casles, Gizmodo's Adam Frucci. And we are at the interactive portability in Manhattan, home of the world's largest and highest resolution TV screen. And as you can see, we came here to play video games. Why don't you call them Bloop? We're gonna start calling them Bloop now. Pat, bad idea. Just gonna worry about it, right? Bloop Bloop, you're watching Bloop Bloop. So we started thinking, what are some video games that would make you nauseous, and the first thing that came to mind was the recent Mirror's Edge. So Adam, you were in for Gizmodo, a gadget block.
If you had to guess, how many projectors and mirrors would you say are used on this screen? Uh, at least a dozen. This thing is annoying. The correct answer is 21 projectors and 42 mirrors.
I don't really know what that means or what they do, but that's what's going on back here. So you said you played on screens almost this big, but not quite. I've played video games on the Panasonic 150 inch plasma, which is the biggest plasma screen TV in the world, and that's like a... What? How much of that is a percent? Maybe half the size of this.
And that's a $140,000 TV. How does a 150 inch TV compare to this one?
Like, when does it stop mattering? Why is it just too big? What, I mean, when it gets so big, it's like this Xbox came from about infinite resolution, so getting the pixels the size of your fist, you're probably a little too big. To the Xbox credit though, this looks pretty good.
Yeah. Let's satisfy everyone's childhood desire and just blow through a few retro games on the biggest screen in the world, because this is a one-time opportunity. We've got to get everything in. Dick Doug's as big as me. He's a clear 5'6". That's all about it. I got it, I got it. Fits the setup that a bad guy at the Wazook would have. Yeah. Man, I bet if you showed this to the guys from that documentary, King of Kong, they would all cream their pants. Like, this is the ultimate for those guys.
That's because it screens me, because there's a woman in this game. When you blow the game up this big in HD, you can actually see Miss Pac-Man's got little feet underneath, running it through. You can see the boots and the artwork on the side.
So, guys, what have we learned from our excursion to the enormous television? I definitely felt, I was feeling that. It was definitely, the big screen did make it more of an intense experience.
Yeah, I think if you are a rich dude who has a half a million dollars to spend on TV, then you're in a pretty sweet situation. And then another $200 to spend on an Xbox. And then, like, Miss Pac-Man's $4. We're just like highway robbery, by the way. So if you've got $500,254, you are really set.
You can roll like we could recommend it more. You can roll like we do on the bloop. Ooh!
We're here. We're completely isolated. No one else here, we snuck in.
Alright. Yeah. We busted into the eyes. Busted into the eyes. No one has any idea. Yeah. |
dropout | declaration_of_email_signatures | This is truly a fantastic day, gentlemen. No longer will we suffer King George's tyranny. All we need to do is sign it, and then our declaration is official.
Hurry up! Yes, hang on. One moment.
A little bit of red. A little blue. Some calligraphy, and a lot of glitter.
Cheers? You can't write cheers. You're not even British. Not anymore, anyways.
Oh, and come on! Good point, TJ. That's tacky. Great. Those dirty Brits will be shaking in their boots when they read our fearless declaration. Is that a dolphin jumping over a smiley face? Yes. I made it out of zeroes and dollar signs. I hate people like you. I can't help it. It does it automatically. Anyways, we are actually on my blackberry farm. Come on, man.
This is going to be a historical document someday. I just thought they might like to read a funny article I wrote for the Baltimore Sun about dating. Oh, and a flip book about a guy getting kicked in the nuts. I'm not going to capitalize because I want people to know that I'm super laid back and I don't care about grammar. Oh, and also save a tree. I just want people to consider the environment before they copy this declaration by hand and put it on another piece of paper. Imagine if everyone who sees this did that. It's like five pieces of paper.
Well, we did it. Looks like the sun does set on the British Empire. Now, let's send this off.
Oh, give me a break. Sorry, man.
Mailbox full. |
TheOnion | Soccer_Officially_Announces_It_Is_Gay | Welcome back to Sports Dome.
It's the startling confession that has the whole sports world buzzing. Soccer has come out of the closet to tell the world it's gay. A FIFA spokesperson made the announcement at a press conference earlier today. Soccer is not ashamed of what it is. Soccer is a gay sport. News league soccer, the MLS, even the World Cup, all of it is completely gay. Joining us now to discuss the impact of this is OSN senior analyst Reggie Greengrass. Reggie, why did soccer choose to come out now? Mark, league officials said soccer was just tired of pretending to be something it's not. Deep down, soccer is about a bunch of guys running around not touching a polka dot ball with their hands.
It shouldn't have to hide how gay it is. Now, will this change the way the game is played? No. If anything, I think we'll see a firmer commitment to the gayest parts of soccer. Players will feel free now to do their bicycle kicks, juggle the ball with their knees, and generally just be as gay as they want to be without worrying what people think. You know, it must have been difficult for soccer to hide the fact that it was gay for so long. Absolutely. From ancient Greece to modern day France, there has never been a time when soccer wasn't extremely gay.
Yeah, and as recently as 1885, a London tabloid ran a salacious story about soccer. Yeah, rumors like that are what caused soccer to go to great lengths to hide its secret, Mark, as we saw in the early 1990s when soccer tried to project an overly macho image headlined by Alexi Lala. Well, in retrospect, it's so obvious soccer was just overcompensating. Yeah, apparently it wasn't until David Beckham came along that soccer began to edge its way out of the closet. Yeah. Now, there's even been some backlash from within soccer.
16-year-old varsity high school player Jeff Getter, he released a statement saying, I don't condone or accept soccer being gay. I don't like gay things. I don't like to be around gay things. Hey, look, of course a lot of people aren't prepared to play a gay sport, but the fact of the matter is, soccer's out.
It's proud. It's going to tell the world, look at me, I'm gay. Yeah. I'm gay. Gay things come in all shapes and sizes.
Thanks, Reg. When we come back, America's top high school mascot has signed a letter of intent to annoy people at UCLA.
Folks report the news as it happens, but only one has the power to report the news before it happens. Through our state-of-the-art wormhole satellite, the Onion News Network Future Channel brings you exclusive news transmissions from the year 2137. Because to stay ahead in today's world, you need to know what's going to happen in tomorrows. |
SaturdayNightLive | herb_welch_occupy_movement_saturday_night_live | You're watching Wspd News, New York. Good morning everyone, I'm Jack Rizzoli. and I'm Wanda Ramirez. Well, it's May 1st and Occupy Wall Street is back with demonstrations beginning earlier today in Bryant Park. veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene.
Herb, who is today celebrating his 70th year with the Network. Hello Herb And congratulations. Hello, Jack. Oh Herb, Herb, you still have your ashes.
What? Ash Wednesday was two months ago, Herb. I made them do it again. Okay Herb, well, now why don't you tell us about this new wave of Occupy. go to the Guy. Yeah, yeah, Herb, go to the guy. All right, come here, come here, all right now. Who are you? I'm Matt Thomas, Ows Action Organizer. we're back, we're bigger, and we're not gonna take it anymore. Yeah, yeah. You think this Bob Dylan needs a good smack in the mouth. What?
I met him and he called me prune juice. Look, all we want is the fiscal responsibility and yet the police are out here cracking down on us. Well, there you have it, they're going to Stonewall. but I call it fruit salad. Back to you, Jack. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Herb, Herb, Herb, that's very offensive, Okay, now stay there. that's offensive, Okay, can you please ask Matt if there have been any arrests? we'll work on your website. All right, who got golly? that guy over there was arrested and manhandled by the Nypd, Ask him. All right, yeah, not a chance, nah, I'm gonna call you. Herb, Herb, Wanda Ramirez Here, Can you ask that man what treatment he received from police? I, no, I asked you a question. trying to press two for English.
Oh, come on Herb, come on Herb. stop walking, Herb, stop walking, turn around and walk back over there. Now what's that, the macarena? The Herb. Come on Herb, come on, now. what is that drumming? the drumming, What is that? we're on Tv, let them hear it guys.
Bank of America, Back for America.
Booyah, Okay, Herb, Herb, look, now I know my Dad and you go back a long way, right? Apple fell for her. Okay, but you are way off the rails here. she must've been next to a cliff.
All right, I mean, did you even do the video package? Yeah, yeah, roll film. they call it Wall Street.
And there's some tennis shoes, walking, one of those new mail trucks, nice group of trees, some kind of purple suitcase.
And there's that lousy dog, of course, But what about the Occupy, Herb Welch? Well, there you have it. gums, a shampoo, four out of five old maids choose, proud. Back to you, Jagny. Herb, what the hell was that? Hey, right Wing Zombies, listen up. this here is my vagina, not your talking point. can I interview that woman? No, no Herb, we're out of time and you've been really unprofessional. never want, I don't come to your park and tell you how to play dominoes. Ah, Herb. you just wander off until the police bring you back naked. No, no, no. Okay, you're done, you're done. Herb, you're done. let's cut away. can we cut away, please? Thank you, Okay. As always, we apologize for everything Herb Welch said and did. when we come back, more on occupy. Well, but first, some very, very sad news. we've just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago.
We go now. Live to the scene. this dead old man symbolizes the old world order that we're gonna destroy. Oh yeah. too slow, old man. sneak attack. All right, let's cut away. let's get away from this guy. come on, cut away. |
TheOnion | America_Is_More_Religious_Than_Other_Countries_Due_To_Its_Proximity_To_The_Gates_Of_Hell | You've probably heard the U.S. called the most religious developed country on earth, and that's true. But what most people overlook is that America's fervor can actually be explained by one simple factor how close it's located to the churning passage to the underworld contained behind the Hell Gate just off the Gulf of Mexico. With constant exposure to the threat of demons escaping from cracks in the gate's defenses, no wonder Americans are so religious. In fact, seven out of ten Americans actually identify as Christian. And that makes a lot of sense when you consider that Christianity is the only safeguard Americans have from being dragged through the infernal gateway and tortured at the hands of Beelzebub, Lord of Flies.
When you look at Europe, there's no comparison.
They've secularized far more rapidly than us, but they also aren't close enough to hear the screams of the damned every day like we do. All of this religious zeal dates back at least to the settlers of Roanoke, who were lured from their fabled colony into the Hell Gate. And it hit its peak in the 1800s when the Great Awakening inspired William Jennings Bryan to seal the gate with angelic glyphs. Now, is America slowly getting less religious?
Sure. But as long as the unimaginable torments of Hell await just beyond that infernal doorway, just a few miles offshore of Pensacola, Florida, I know one thing I'll be holding onto for sure. For The Onion, I'm Eliza Hayes. |
cracked | why_people_want_to_f_horrifying_movie_monsters_monster_management_episode_2 | The evil clown has requested you push his meeting until sometime after the holiday What religion is he claiming now? Who can ever keep track? A representative of demons has invited you both to play golf on Sunday fun and the terrifying little girl from the ring sent us a video message Oh Hit me swarm of flies devouring a rapidly decomposing corpse picture of an Upside down crucifix picture of an Upside down crucifix clip of someone Hammering a nail into a thump a cute little blonde boy But when he blinks his eyes become mouths and they're screaming clip of a baby being Reverse born, I guess the term would be picture of an Upside down crucifix.
That is so sweet. So sweet.
Oh my god Do not call her back. Yeah, please also, maybe show that video to somebody else soon issue I can't wait to do that and your two o'clock is here Hello my pretty hey darling have a seat Oh Have you been watching Orange is the new bloke Yes, I have seen like the first for the second season only four episodes You don't be no, I don't binge. I like to pace myself Give myself time, you know, you don't even have to press a button more than once. It just the thing you just Play yeah Amazing feature. Yeah, you don't have to do you like it? First four episodes really good. Oh the more reason to oh There's no talking to you promise and then she just eat some so What do you think you want to go retro?
Sure. Yeah, that's fine. Me my guest Ah, but that's gonna be a pass from both of us. It's your funeral You can go down that path if you want, but don't expect us to carry the coffin. Sorry This is what honesty sounds like.
Yeah, but I mean all sorts of monsters are rebooting these days I'm I'm talking roots You know back to basics like um, maybe a witch eats a kid, you know Oh, it flies on a broom which makes up house out of stuff that kids like maybe lures that kids to it You know, maybe it's the kid who knows but probably that Check what year am I thinking? 2010 and what happened that year client of ours decided he didn't want our advice said he wanted to go retro said it was classic Said people would dig it use the word dig and what happened Venetio del Toro stars in wolf man 34% of rotten tomatoes a critical and financial flop. Yes, but it won the Academy Award for best makeup. Oh Hey, Dan 2010's wolf man won the Academy Award for best makeup.
Could you file that under who gives a shit? Of course Did the kids still say tight usually? Yeah, okay My nephew has been saying tight a lot in reference to just anything like that's tight Or is it like specific to like Girl I don't know Like a Facebook post You know who gets the Facebook these days. What'd you learn that term? Where did I learn the term? Facebook post. Yeah, where'd you learn a hip term from the Facebook?
Of course. Okay, you go It says they want to post you want to leave the page. Oh, yeah It's just got all that Why would I leave the page? I just typed in well, they're changing it all the time every day Right, there's the poke and the bell and the whistle do you can use the poke anymore is poke who uses poke anymore?
No, I wish there was in years by retro is dead But that moody broody throwback joke of a movie came out and failed harder than Chet's kid on the SAT We are meeting with some very good tutors next week I could drain the blow werewolves came crawling back begging for our consultation services Everybody thought that werewolves had blown it that their window of cultural relevancy was shut But then we came one year later and we kicked the door down. No one wants their monsters retro They want to sucks. They want violence. They want hot young bodies crashing and other young hot bodies Some of which are werewolf bodies enter MTV's Teen Wolf our idea dark bold Sexy second highest rated program on the network number one in its time slot women 18 to 34 You think that an award for outstanding achievement and makeup can pull those kinds of numbers Perhaps I trust us we did it with werewolves. We did it with vampires. We are going to make witches sexy again Okay, you know man.
All right. All right for starters Let's start with brooms. People hate brooms.
They remind people of the clean They should be doing instead of watching you also cauldrons subcooking, which is can't be old crowns anymore I don't want to see another witch over 26. Well, let's give you a reason for being a witch Feminism you became a witch because you're tired of men telling you what to do. You are hardcore You are the wicked bitch from the West and no man's gonna hand you a room. No, no, no Unless he wants that room up his ass I became a witch because I hate all people not today. You didn't today you stand for something You are modern feminism and you cannot be silenced. So you need to stop luring and eating children It doesn't test nearly as well as you seem to think it does. I Have you mr. The Swamp Thing on the phone You are nightmares personified and that is not a phrase I banned about recklessly literally the first time I've ever heard We're not here to tell you how to be scarier We don't have experience in that and anyways, it's none of our business You even imagine if we tried to get the scary we would just embarrass ourselves what we do know Branding you need to start thinking really thinking about your brand |
cracked | 6_self_defense_videos_that_will_get_you_killed | Hi, I'm Cracked Editor, Joshua Sargent, and welcome to Punk Payback. Today I'm going to be watching a bunch of real crime videos, and then explaining how if I had actually been in them, I would have kicked the shit out of people attacking me. If this sounds like lunacy, then keep in mind I just described a real TV show starring former MMA champ Baz Rutan.
What can you use as a weapon in a bar? If you want to break them, break them on their heads, but don't break them here. I think it's a stabbing device, because let me tell you, it is not.
Which single-handedly proves that I do not watch enough TV, because Punk Payback has been airing since 2011, and I am just now hearing about it. After I figured out that Punk Payback is a joke, please god let that show be a joke, I realized that even someone who owns a leather jacket is still sometimes in danger. So I did some research, and here are a bunch of self-defense videos that are making the world a worse place just by existence. Okay, maybe it's not fair to judge this video by out-of-context clips. These techniques look silly, but I know some people say screaming is an effective self-defense technique, and these people probably know what they're doing.
I'm an account executive. I'm an accountant clerk. So you're all just office buddies then.
I learned these movements from my husband. My background is in chemical engineering.
You realize that being a man doesn't automatically make you able to fight, right? And I'm not just talking about me, there are whole chunks of America that are just chock full of squishy dudes who can't tell the difference between a double-inverted reverse naked up joke and another sequence of words that may or may not describe an actual move. So, hit them in the balls is pretty innovative defense, but what if, and I know this sounds crazy, but what if you don't have the drop on the guy attacking you?
No!
Right, but now you're just attacking people with your purse. I understand that self-defense is difficult because you have to wait until the person makes it clear they're an actual threat before you can retaliate, but that's no reason to skimp on this part. These techniques only work against people who are actually appearing in a self-defense video. Can we get a bit more practical?
Claim to have a vaginal infection or disease such as AIDS. No, I said practical. This doesn't seem... Wait, can women just fart on command? Is this something... I feel like if this were true, I'd already know about it. Quit fighting and wait for it your chance. Then bite off his penis. Can we get something from an actual expert? Maybe?
First thing, I have to grab his neck and hide my face. So, like, when I say that this looks kind of gay, what I mean is that it looks more like a manly expression of love than a fighting technique. I'd rather give him two or three punches, good punches, than ten, you know, faggot punches. Oh, okay.
He's homophobic. He's homophobic, everybody.
It's fine. People like that love to fight. This is very reassuring. Those knees are going to hurt him.
So, maybe self-defense techniques aren't for me. Maybe I'm more of a gun owner type. What have you got for me, internet? Apparently owning a gun turns your life into a David Fincher movie, but sadly, it's the only bad one. This is the only time I've ever seen the words, firearms should be easily accessible. Right next to the words, safety is of utmost importance. And if you're made uncomfortable with how those words are floating there like a video game power-up, then you're really not going to like the part where it goes into tactical advantage. Their advice seems to be, if you hear a burglar in your home, try and get the drop on him so you can force a violent confrontation.
Show me your pen! Yay! We win! We killed him. I can't tell if this is an ad for that gun box or if that actor just tricked all his friends into filming his own masturbation fantasy for him. Speaking of which... Welcome to First Person Defender. Hey! Get out of my house!
When I first saw this video, I wanted to compare it to 2014's John Wick, the hyper-violent murder ballet that takes place in a parallel universe where a gunfight can break out in a club and nobody even stops dancing. Each weapon is loaded with Simunition FX marking cartridges, the most realistic non-lethal alternative to live ammunition. Oh, okay. This is just a game. Thank God, because imagine how f***ing crazy you'd have to be to think this was a realistic scenario. Real people put into realistic self-defense training scenario.
Really? But what about...
Chris took no time at all, gave me heard of the instructions, get the gun. He went around the corner, started dealing with the adversaries. Even when John Wick hears a noise in the night, he reacts by stumbling downstairs in a t-shirt and pajamas because it's very unlikely he's being attacked by bloodthirsty murder knights. Just pointing that out. It looks like three. As I was running away. Oh, okay. So the point of the show seems to be the only situation in the world where you can shoot a man in the back as he runs away from you, and it's technically legal.
Hey, thanks for watching this video. Please like and subscribe so that I don't have to keep standing here recording these.
This jacket is really hot. Why am I wearing a jacket? It's very hot in here.
I'm not doing on the spot thing as well as I thought I would. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_E_T_ | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'll be looking at E.T., a touching, family science fiction movie filled with heart and imagination, but one that perplexingly fails to deliver on its titular promise of an electronic turtle. In fact, despite being titled E.T., an electronic turtle never once appears in the movie and, curiously, is never so much as mentioned. Since its 1982 release, Steven Spielberg's classic film has captivated generations of moviegoers with its timeless story of family and friendship, and has also, for over 30 years, left myself and what must be millions of audience members just like me asking the same questions. Where is the electronic turtle? What does this story have to do with an electronic turtle? Who are all these characters and where is the electronic turtle? In fact, the movie itself spends the vast majority of its running time telling the story of a young boy who finds a lost extraterrestrial, coincidentally and confusingly also called E.T., while never once showing the actual robotic reptile audiences came to see in the first place. One could, perhaps, argue that the alien in the movie possesses some vaguely tortoise-like qualities, but of course, he could never be categorized as a true electronic turtle and, therefore, disappoints. Certainly, the movie's posters do mention an extraterrestrial, and yet the E.T. is consistently given higher billing, making it all the more bizarre that there isn't so much as one scene featuring an electronic turtle. Throughout the film, we wait for the turtle to appear, and yet Spielberg continues to withhold it, even during moments that are practically calling out for just such an appearance. This scene, for example, is good, but imagine if an electronic turtle were to suddenly appear, with his circuitry loudly whirring and his tiny remote-controlled legs inching him forward slowly but surely. One can only assume Spielberg's decision to never see or hear from the E.T. was made intentionally to subvert viewers' expectations. Perhaps the title is merely a metaphor, wherein the non-existent electronic turtle is meant to symbolize the unfulfilled hopes and dreams of childhood. I, myself, have asked Spielberg about my theories regarding the electronic turtle during dozens of Hollywood film panels, and the director has consistently refused to answer.
On one occasion, he even had me removed from the room.
A true visionary, committed to maintaining the enigmatic grace of his film. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal, maintaining the enigmatic grace of his film. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_bad_bunny_is_shrek_snl | I don't need it. Hi, hey whoa.
Shrek. Yeah, I'm Shrek. Um, so is is this for the show? Do you want to do like a Shrek thing? I mean, maybe that doesn't find. I guess we could write you a Shrek sketch. Maybe Shrek works in an office? Well, Shrek leaving the swamp, right? Yes, he lives in the swamp. Do you want us to do a Shrek sketch or a movie? You want to do a full Shrek movie? We could. Brother: You're in a full-ass Shrek costume right now, right? So I think you want to do a Shrek thing. You said Shrek first because you're in the costume.
Is Donkey coming?
Just relax. No, I'm just saying like I didn't I didn't invite donkey, did you? Let's just start from square one. Okay, so you love the Shrek movies? Not really.
Oh my God. You know I don't care. I wrote us, crept. no way. Oh my God.
Property of 824. You're a donkey. You're a pussy boot.
What? You let me guess. Lord Farquaad? Michael Jackson?
Why am I Michael Jackson in your Shrek movie? He's the main character. Oh, I don't even weird. Shouldn't you be pussy boots If anyone's gonna? Totally Yeah, you're Shrek. Let's just read it. Open On Shrek office. Dude: When I suggested office, you said no Cuz Shrek lives in the swamp. Murder. Just read the script. Shrek.
They're like donkey. I don't. I'm not doing it like don't do it like donkey Man.
Perfect. Michael Jackson enters.
Dude: I can't do this. You know what? You're just forgetting. Benito. Wait, you know what guys, He's the host.
Let's do this. I am who's in boot. Me and I say I want to make everyone in this world happy.
Well John I never have a lover as good as you don't give the test results. Came back and I got cancer.
Shrek Shrek takes one last look at his friends. It's the only way with that trick detaches the final skate park.
It explodes into saying oh Benito That was incredible. You need to make this. I didn't like it. |
cracked | 4_directors_who_do_the_same_thing_in_every_movie | Hey directors, same thing in every movie You and I share a secret we know how easy it is to kill somebody Where'd you meet?
Detective Dormer, it's such an honor to meet you, I'm detective Ellie Burr Welcome to Nightmute And you won't remember But he's not the child of Ras Al Gore I am Because making something disappear isn't enough Everybody f*** you, this is your last chance We can kill all of you in your f***ing nose Just give the man the videotape The only one going to get arrested here is you, Philomius f***ing sucking Get in there, come on Weapon, no The code, now, now, suppose I play a little guessing game with you Jackboy I'll try and guess, I'll try and guess what the code is Don't forget, you got a standing invitation Don't forget, you got a standing invitation If you haven't guessed it I'm ready to have a smile on my face What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?
Help me Do you want me to go to the hotel?
I don't know But you Are the Cateca Here's Johnny |
dropout | Song_of_the_Summer_Offers_Hard_Spankings_for_the_Boys | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening, and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Carlos Mencia. And I'm a birdie in a bottle, baby. You gotta rub me the right way.
Tonight's first story, things that go whoop in the night. Now, these are things like owls and ghosts and the wind. What a fascinating topic, and not much is known about things that go whoop in the night. We hardly even covered it in school, maybe a couple years in elementary school and then again in high school, but that's it.
But I'll tell you one thing, keep those whoop noises out of here. They scare the living pizza out of me. You can say that again. I'm a birdie in a bottle, baby. You gotta rub me the right way. My least favorite whoop? This one. Whoop. Oh God, that was awkful. That's a word I just made up that combines awkward and awful. I'm trying it out. I know. Here, now let me try one. Whoop. Gross.
I want to die, but for a different reason entirely. And what reason is that? I want to see if you really get to eat all the ice cream you want in heaven. That's beautiful.
Now, let's head over to entertainment news with Rick K. Brick. Thanks, Carl S. Mancia. Kids everywhere are putting on their sneaker shoes and getting ready to dance to all the latest jams of the summer.
Jams? Let's talk about jams. I hope you have some examples of these jams. Are we talking strawberry jams? Blueberry jams? Raspberry jams? No, you foolish little ... I'm talking about song jams.
You know, music to make our hips sway. Well, get to it then. Songs of the summer go like this, God built up a city.
He tossed down some propane. It started up a fire and now the trees are dead. So good.
Other songs go like this, spankings for the boys. Hard spankings for the boys. Oh, I'm singing spankings for the boys. Hard spankings for the boys. Their buns will burn and their buns will burn. Hard spankings for the boys.
Really good melody on that one. I didn't include a melody in that one because if I do, we won't be able to legally use it.
And still other songs go like this, Mr. Hamilton said, don't do it. Mr. Hamilton said, it's a trap. Mr. Hamilton said he loved me and then he took it back.
Oh, I got the blues macaroni and cheese. I'm sorry to interrupt Rick Cabrick, but I'm getting word that we have breaking news from the local mall. Reporter Tim Taffey is live at the scene. Tim, give me some of that news and give it to me the way I like it. This just in, a bunch of kids are about to eat.
They keep doing that gross thing where you flip your eyelids and it's freaking me out so much. I'm about to lose it. That sounds awful. Why would they do that?
I don't know, man. I'll just be standing here and one of them will say, hey, news boy, get a little of this hot picture of my mom. So of course I'll turn to look and then it'll just be a regular picture of his mom. Beauty is in the eye of the something. I don't know what.
Shut up. I'm talking. Anyway, I'll say, hey, that's not particularly hot. And he'll lower the picture and it'll just be him with his eyelids.
I hate it. It's not fair that I have to be on the street with the people and you guys get to be in a suit.
Anything else to report about the children? Is there anything? Anything else? Yes.
They've been throwing eggs at me left and right. I'll turn left and there will be eggs. I'll turn right and there will be eggs. Where the hell are they getting money to buy all these eggs?
Fascinating. Also, some of them said they liked my shoes, but I get the feeling they were actually making fun of me. It was something about the way they said it. It made me really self-conscious.
This is the worst job. Well, that's all the time we have tonight. Thank you to all our viewers for tuning in. Before we go, we have to acknowledge this week's loser, me. Andy Bustillos. That's right. That's my name. Thanks for watching.
Don't wave. It fucks up the green screen when you wave.
You fucking loser. Andy, don't you hear what I'm saying? I didn't know. Andy. No one told me.
Like what you just saw? Of course you do. You're an informed citizen. Well, guess what?
Ten more episodes of Breaking News will be available for you exclusively on Dropout. Go to Dropout.tv and start your free trial today. |
cracked | why_the_walking_dead_is_just_trolling_us_now_cracked_responds | Hello everyone, welcome to The Walking Talk, our Walking Dead recap review criticism show. The show came back. I've been pretty public about not liking this show on the site and people really hate when I do that and they get very sad. But I've never done it in video form yet, regularly, so maybe that'll change some minds. We'll try to focus on the positives.
The show came back, it took a lot of flack last year because we were sort of leading to this moment where Negan was going to kill someone and we didn't know who it was going to be and there was all this speculation and it ended not on a cliffhanger, it just ended not telling us because a cliffhanger, David Wong on our site points out, a cliffhanger is I can't wait to see what happens next and not I can't wait to find out what just happened and that's how the the season ended where someone died and we wait a year. You still had to wait two commercial breaks and 25 minutes to find out who died and it was yeah so we find out Abraham uh mustache and Glenn died and that was one of the times that the show actually did get me. They killed Abraham and I was like that's that's a real loss and then they do go forward and they really killed Glenn which actually didn't surprise me. One of the writers said that they were doing it because they wanted to break the audience.
Yeah. Like you don't want your relationship with the show to be abusive. Right, of course.
I don't think the show is really capable of breaking me at this point because that little boy got shot in the eye, I watched Rick bite some guy in the throat, everyone has sort of gone to their breaking point and when all the characters have gone from human to inhuman and back again across six seasons, I'm I'm unbreakable like like I you can't do it. There is no amount of character killing that's going to surprise us at this point, the only like maybe Rick but that really seemed to be the point of the episode was was breaking Rick is that if you want the show to keep going and be narratively interesting you really need to sell the audience on the idea that Rick is sort of defanged and powerless a little bit. You need the audience to believe that he would answer to Negan so it looks like we're gonna live in the new reality where Rick is actually like a beaten dog to Negan which is new.
Yeah it's new for now. Yeah it could be interesting. I do like Jeffrey Dean Morgan, I like him as an actor a whole lot.
I think he's cool looking, I know that he's a comic book character but it's like slick black hair and leather jacket and a bandana. No reason to dress like that unless you used to be a comic book character where people dress like that. He's a cool looking guy, he's got a very inefficient weapon but again that's like a comic book character thing. This is a weapon that was innovated by professional wrestling I would like to point out that Cactus Jack used to carry around.
For him it was called Barbie instead of Lucille. Barbie is a more clever name for her fat covered barbed wire but I like having him on the show because he smiles.
He tells dad jokes when he's murdering people with a bat. He said suck my nuts. He's a vampire bat joke, I don't care what anyone says and I like the reveal because in the beginning all we hear is him saying was a joke that bad. I wonder where the joke was that's really exciting and then later he's talking about his bat being thirsty. She is a vampire bat.
I'm sure he's used it before, I'm sure Dwight and Simon are like. This is not the first time.
There we go but that got me, it was like oh this. I get that he's a sociopath but the alternative is a bunch of really sad people looking down all the time and talking about do you remember before when there weren't zombies and how that was better? I do remember that and now we have a guy who's like hey everybody, I practiced this speech, I'm gonna do some jokes, I'm gonna smile a lot, I was like good cool, I like smiling, I like to see it. Yeah and he's actually a bad guy that revels in being in this world. Even Shane who was like oh this is what it takes to be alive in this world, he didn't enjoy it. No. The governor had gone crazy and he obviously didn't enjoy it and I just can't see that happening with Negan. He's the first guy that he's no, I love being in the apocalypse. Yeah I was waiting for something like this to happen. How many people did he kill to finally scare everybody that's following him enough to listen to him? Right because they don't seem scared, they seem like they super buy it.
It's like hey Dwight you're my right hand man, give me a pen. Yeah love being a right hand man.
Who was waiting for a Negan to come along? I was like I'm clearly a lackey in need of a charismatic leader. Daryl punched Negan, that's what got Glenn killed. I don't understand. Negan accepts that he needs to murder a few people to get these new guys to like him and chooses not to murder the one who punched him.
Right, I guess he likes his spirit. Yeah. Oh you got gusto kid.
Abraham dying, that felt like everyone was much sadder about Glenn dying than Abraham. I thought for a second because they had like a huge group gathered over Glenn's body and you just see Abraham's legs in the background. Rosita yeah go be go be sad over there and Eugene Eugene you gotta carry that body. They had the sadness montage where everyone sat there being sad and then they had that stupid dream sequence of everyone at this giant table where all of his friends are having dinner but he didn't think to like imagine that his dead wife Lori was there. And when Rick is driving away and looking in the rearview mirror and we see a zombie has walked up to the woods and is like eating the brains off the ground, that's kind of funny. I don't know what I was supposed to get from that if they're thinking this is gonna be like even more brutal. They'll be really sad and was like no that's like what a coup for that zombie.
Good for him, he's the first one on site. You just never find just the brain part that you love. This is a real treat for that zombie. Hey thanks for watching.
Come see the Cracked Live podcast this Saturday at the Now Here This Festival. Information about where to go for tickets, how to get them cheap, should be on the screen right now. |
SaturdayNightLive | ted_koppel_cold_opening_america_saturday_night_live | Saturday Night Live will be delayed tonight in order to bring you this special report.
America Not Held Hostage Anymore, an Abc News special report with Correspondent Ted Koppel.
Good Evening. when we began the program America Held Hostage, we thought it would be just a miniseries. but to our surprise, it ran for over 63 weeks, making it the most successful new program of the season. tragically, the hostages have been freed and it looked as though we would be canceled.
But in an effort to continue this fine late night docudrama, Abc News will now be counting down the days the hostages are out of captivity.
Starting now with Day Four, we'll have continuing coverage of the non-captivity for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of days. we'll also be spending each week spotlighting a different hostage with 52 that should kill a year.
And of course, we'll continue to harass their families, as we've done so well for the past year or so. we have one of those in-depth reports right now.
Get Out Of my yard, Please, I don't. we'll have another one of those reports through the window of Mrs. Hill's house. live at 3 A.m. this morning. right now, we're going to another Story Live From New York, It's Saturday night. |
ClickHole | the_clintons_have_spent_billions_of_dollars_to_discover_a_way_for_women_to_have_sex_with_each_other | Bill Clinton. Hillary Clinton.
Notice anything strange? That's right.
Funding research to discover a way for women to have sex with each other. I'll tell you the shocking true story right after this. Bill and Hillary Clinton have been funneling billions of dollars from their foundation to discover a way for women to have sex with each other. It's happening, folks. The Clintons are stuffing the pockets of sicko scientists all across the country who are using the most advanced technology available to find a way for two women to pleasure each other sexually, allowing them to dispose of men forever. It's impossible to know how far along in the research they are, but I commissioned some schematics to get an idea for how they might be trying to put two women together sexually. And they're very disconcerting. If these schematics are any indication the Clintons are closer than anyone else has ever been to figuring out a method for women to have sex with each other. With the Clintons pouring billions of incest dollars into this initiative, they'll probably discover a way for women to have sex with each other within 10 to 15 years. So say goodbye to society as we know it, because once they figure out how to have two women have sex with each other, who knows? They could even invent a device for a woman to have sex with herself.
This is why I am demanding an investigation into the Clinton Foundation.
They're coming for your daughters, your wives, and your mothers, but they're not coming for your sons. Because if the Clintons have their way, your sons won't matter. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_140_Matt_Kean_MP | Today we are joined by a controversial figure in Australian politics. You might know him as The New Turnbull. Others know him as The New Latham. No one knows me as The New Latham. No one said that ever. The New Old Latham. The New Old Latham and Morrison back in December last year knew him as that bloke that we don't know.
Matt Keane, Minister for Energy. And also the environment. And the environment. Two things that work well together from New South Wales of course.
Thank you for joining us. Thank you for visiting our humble rural town. Well thank you for having me and thank you for getting in your budgies today. This is very exciting.
I feel overdressed in my suit. I was going to wear my silver skivvy from the Archibalds.
Oh yes. Okay. I left it at home.
That is when you reach a Eurovision and Archibald paintings. That's when you reach a certain level of household name-ery in New South Wales politics is when you get featured in the Archibald Prize. Well I reckon when Scott Morrison went to the Archibalds this year he goes, I know that person that person.
But that guy, I don't know who that is. Who is that guy?
And then a week or two later you announced some policy that really made you a household name in Kirribilli. So now we're going to start this interview off by asking a question I think a lot of people want to know the answer to. What happened in your life that made you want to be a state politician? Well I needed a new form of contraceptives so I decided that state politics was the way to do that. And it's working a treat I have to say. That made me get into state politics. I was interested in my community and I wanted to make it better. And there was an opportunity that came up to get involved in state politics and I was mad enough to take it.
So here I am now. Did you follow this stuff closely as a kid? Because like a lot of people, you know, a lot of the everyday punters can tell you they're local federal MP and then about a week before state election they can tell you they're local state MP. I'm just going to have to disrobe. This is getting a bit steamy. I'm in the Channel Country, mate. I see why you're in your budgies. On the edge of the Simpson Desert up here.
Were you keeping a close eye on this as a kid? Well if you're asking me if I had posters of John Howard and Paul Keating on my wall growing up in the 80s and 90s, the answer is no. Was I interested in politics as a kid? I think I had a slight interest. I remember in year six, and this is probably like get everyone to turn off their Betuda Advocate podcast, but I wrote a letter to my local MP, Bronwyn Bishop.
She wrote back and she sent me this. She sent me like this photo of herself and she signed it as if I was meant to pin it to my wall.
It's quite extraordinary. Here's a picture of the coin. Not dissimilar. Your coin. Bronwyn Bishop. Her kingdom is ours.
I don't think that was my inspiration for getting involved in politics. Keep your head down young fella, one day you might get in the helicopter with me. But maybe that's why I went to state politics, not federal politics. You might grow into, you might be Philip Roddick one day, you never know. Well that, that, I feel like that could have been an honest answer you gave us because you are born and raised in your electorate.
I am. Rare. So you can say that you weren't, you weren't short-balled into a new little rental house three weeks out from pre-selection, like what happens in Goulburn, I don't know. Or down in the Shire, maybe. Perhaps. I know, yeah. Especially, you know.
Anyway, so you are a local member, you weren't the chosen one, I guess you could say, within the party. You kind of just worked your way up locally and, and you got the pre-selection and you got elected. Yeah, I joined the party when I was 20 years old and I got involved in student politics and all the usual rite of passage for all political hacks. And we were on the eve of the 2011 election and Barry Farrow, who was the then leader of the Liberal Party at the time, when they were in opposition, called me and said, oh, you should run for, you should be a candidate for Hornsby.
And I'm like, that's a bit crazy, I'm 28. And he said, no, no, I'll back you. And here I am. And then Gladys was crazy enough to put me in as the Minister for Energy and Environment and yeah.
Did she know about your prejudices towards coal barons and science? Well no, I don't, I mean, I didn't, I would have thought it didn't need to be said that, that you should believe in, like, it shouldn't be unusual for someone to believe in science and economics and evidence when making policy in this country. But apparently like a whole heap of people are losing their minds over me doing stuff that's in line with the science and in line with the evidence and in an economically rational way.
So, You know, we did ask this question to Wyatt Roy, you know, one of the more famous young blokes of the Liberal Party. We asked him, you know, if you had your time again, you know, would you go and do something with your life before you get into politics? I mean, is there any merit in going into politics when you're that young? He was fairly young.
I was a chartered accountant before I got into politics, so this is far more exciting than what I was doing before. Let me tell you, mate, like, you know, maybe that explains my personality or lack of it. No offense to any of the accountants listening to Batura up in far western Queensland, of course. Yeah. I've got a great job. I get to meet interesting people. I get to come on Batura. I mean, this is like the highlight of my career. Like what could be better than coming on Batura?
Has Hadley had you yet? You haven't been on Hadley yet? No, I'm on Hadley regularly.
It's a different interviewing style that you have to Ray. But yeah. Whereas we don't turn off your mic when we start talking. Ray is very passionate.
He's my local constituent as well. So that was actually Alan. Alan was great at that.
He'd turn off their mic. And then he'd just yell at you. Yell at you. And then when he was done, he'd flick you.
Alan's not talking to me at the moment because I mentioned the C word, climate change.
And he just wiped me. Right. He just wiped me. So, yeah.
I mean, he's still got as big a platform as ever now. He's got about 9,000 people a night. Is he still that powerful?
I mean, obviously, you know, there are, you know, he's a person you can't really talk about anywhere. Look, he's not dissimilar to you guys. He's a very persuasive broadcaster and you listen to him and he's very compelling. It's just, you get that all the time, I'm sure. You know, he does provide a voice for a section of our community and, you know, we shouldn't discard that.
And what we've tried to do in the energy and environment space and how we got these laws passed recently was trying to find areas of common ground, how we bring people together and, you know, find things that unite us and move forward. There's plenty of things that divide us and we have plenty of fights over that. But I think we should, well, I'm trying to work towards a new brand of politics where we work to find common ground rather than areas of conflict.
Were you given a kick up the bum from these bushfires? Was there a moment where you said Black Summer, also known as the climate fires? Yeah. Was there? Because these were a state issue, these fires. Were you? I mean, obviously, you believe in this and you believe in science, which is refreshing. But do you think there was a moment, did you run the ball up harder? During all that?
I mean, obviously, you made a few enemies. By giving what looked like measured comments, there were some people giving some red hot comments at that time. But you, you know, you made it clear that as a member of the Liberal Party, you believed these nerds that we pay fuck all money to study science. You made the experts controversial, I know.
Look, I was actually the morning I the morning that everyone sort of lost their minds over what I had to say was, I was walking from Parliament House down to the Hilton Hotel on George Street. And it was in the middle of these bushfires. And the smog was just so thick, you can hardly see 10 metres in front of you. And I got to the Hilton Hotel and the stack of smoke was coughing up a lung. And I got up and I said what everyone was thinking, this is not normal.
This is exactly what the scientists have been telling us about for decades. And we need to do something about it.
And I thought it was relatively uncontroversial, but apparently a whole heap of people thought this was heresy and, you know, that, you know, I should be excommunicated from not just the Liberal Party, but New South Wales. And yeah, it was all very bizarre because I mean, for me, that's exactly what people were thinking at the time. Those bushfires weren't normal, no matter what spin you have on how much they quote Dorothy MacKellar. Morrison. It just is not normal. Morrison did say, you kids might not remember this, but I remember smoky days in Sydney. He did say that, I think, in an interview just around the time of the Murdoch Christmas drinks with Paul Murray and Joe Hildebrandt up there in Bellevue Hill. No, that was I think that was the same day that he went to 2GB and he got caught in the lift because the smoke alarms got tripped by the bushfire smoke outside. It was a wild time. I think it was anyone was arguing that there hadn't been bushfires in the past. What they were saying is that they weren't of the devastating scale and magnitude as they were last year. I mean, we saw.
There was ash falling in your beer at Ryan's bar. That's how smoky it was. You know there's a problem when there's ash in your beer at Ryan's bar.
Yeah, and it doesn't come from the end of a Marlboro. So even in the B&H extra mild kind of guy. Extra mild? Yeah. I know, I'm strictly on the log cabin these days.
So it was a wild time. Can you tell us from inside the New South Wales Liberal Party, it seemed like it was on. It seemed like there was a lot of pressure. There's that photo of the Prime Minister with clenched fist talking to Daddy Fitzsimmons just enraged by whatever, you know, who knows what it was over, but it was a bit prickly between state and federal. Obviously Constance went down there and teed off on breakfast television. It just, I mean, this is what happens in a crisis, you know, people have to work together and sometimes it gets a bit prickly. What was the feeling within the New South Wales Liberals? Were you in, I guess, the right side of history immediately?
No, I mean, I mean in Andrew's defense, I mean, you know, he just watched his community be absolutely, you know, destroyed. Down on the beach. You know, he was there on the front line, he nearly lost his own home. He saw neighbours, you know, lose their properties and you know, all their assets. So he was very emotional. I don't think anyone could criticize him for that. You know, at the end of the day, you know, this was unprecedented.
Our job as policymakers or community leaders is to make sure that we put in place plans to see this not happen again. And there's no doubt mitigating against bushfire risk and giving additional resources to national parks and to our firefighters and all that kind of stuff is critically important. So too is addressing the issue of climate change. And we know that, you know, climate change is leading to more extreme weather events and that is leading to the conditions like we saw last summer, which led to the worst bushfires that we've ever seen.
And we've got to address that as well. We can't do one and not the other. And that's the challenge for us all.
So can you walk us through this 32 billion dollar green energy plan that you've got? Like, where does the motivation come to really diverge from, you know, the Liberal Party line, which is trying to find the cheapest energy that's also good for the people who obviously donate lots of money to your party? Where is the money? I don't think it's diverging from the Liberal Party line. I mean, my job is to look after the community interest, not vested interest.
And the reality is that four of our five existing power stations in New South Wales are coming to the end of their life. Their old bits of equipment that were built in the, you know, 70s, they're going to close. They're flagged to the market. They're going to close. And we need to make sure they're replaced before they close.
And right now, today, the cheapest form of reliable energy is a combination of wind, solar, pumped hydro and batteries. That's not the spin. That's the science. So this is just, this is an economic decision. This is the economically rational path to take. And the byproduct of that is we're going to get some of the cleanest, cheapest and most reliable energy in the world. And as the world is moving to decarbonise, those countries that have a competitive advantage in that clean, cheap, reliable energy, they're going to win. That means more jobs, new industries, future prosperity.
Why wouldn't we grab it? Is there a soft power developing in these countries that are taking this seriously and getting on the front foot? Do you reckon they will not only be leaders in this space, but also kind of, you know, that have a lot of leverage on everyone else who isn't doing this? Well, I mean, you know, I want New South Wales to be the Saudi Arabia of solar effectively. We saw, you know, in the past...
Lambos. Lambos getting around Tamworth. Imagine you cruising around Queensland in your Lambo.
That would be great. But not a trans. No tax.
Well, I mean, the thing about the previous, I guess, the older economy with the fossil fuel economy is that those countries with the resources, the fossil fuels, they were enormously prosperous. Look in the Middle East, look in Australia, where we had an abundance of coal, etcetera. As the world moves to decarbonise, those countries with the new resource to power economies are going to thrive. So there's nowhere on the planet better place to thrive in a low carbon world than Australia.
We've got an abundance of wind, an abundance of solar, plenty of pumped hydro opportunities. And guess what? We've got a lot of land up in your neck of the woods in the outback, which is relatively cheap. So you can basically cover them in solar panels, cover them in wind turbines. In Queensland, there's been decades of land clearing, so they're already good to go.
Yeah.
So Campbell Newman was just preparing for the new energy revolution that was coming. What a shame it's going to attract us, mate.
As our economies are moving to decarbonise, you know, as we all know, land clearing in New South Wales is quite a controversial topic at the moment. You know, you've got people who are saying, you know, it's we're up now deforesting rates on par with the Congos in Brazil. You know, how does that tie in with going green? I mean, when you're taking more trees out of the ground? Yeah, well, I mean, you know, one of the biggest challenges that we face is land clearing. I mean, as the environment minister in New South Wales, this is something that is keeping me up at night. And it's a constant battle between private property rights and, you know, the public good.
What I will say is that that's one of the reasons that I'm aggressively trying to expand our national parks estate. And since I've come into the portfolio, when I came in 12 months ago or 18 months ago, I set a goal of increasing the national park estate by another 200,000 hectares in two years. We beat that. So I've just upped it again to 400,000 hectares. Now, that alone is not the solution, but it's part of it. You know, we're aggressively expanding our national parks to protect vegetation. And we've got a lot more to do. And I intend to do it.
So is that more or less going along the lines of what I think it was under, was that the Rees government, they bought back to rally out at Louth, a sheep station out there on the dying river. And basically, so the New South Wales government bought that, turned it into a national park and basically shut the gates. Now it's full of pigs and now it's just become such, you know, an albatross around the neck of a lot of, you know, primary producers in that far western area in New South Wales.
Yeah, we just can't lock up and leave land. We need to manage it appropriately, whether that be for feral pests or bushfires. You know, it's not just about buying additional land to protect native vegetation and habitat. It's also about managing it appropriately. And that's what we're doing. We've just added an additional 125 additional staff to national parks to help manage the new assets that we're getting. But, you know, there are enormous opportunities to own land and opportunities to revegetate that land because you're not going to get to net zero unless you can offset some of our emissions. And one of the best ways to do that is sequestration. We've got a lot of public land. And what we plan to do is use that to plant trees, to capture carbon and to generate more revenue that we can pump back into the environment. So we're looking to create a virtuous cycle on all this stuff in New South Wales.
Do you feel like you've got a target on your back now? Because I mean, obviously, you know how big your job is. I look at someone like your colleague, Dominello, is it, who's decided to run the ball up at the gaming industry. And I imagine there'd be dirt files getting dragged across clubs in New South Wales as we speak. They did it to Garrett. They'll do it to him. What's your plan from here when you start getting, you know, these smear campaigns and, you know, Murdoch puts an arrow in your knee.
How do you keep doing your job? Well, as long as I'm fighting for, you know, what I believe in and representing the community's interest over vested interests, then I'm just going to keep pushing forward.
And, you know, there are plenty of noisy voices and angry voices. I'm not going to please everyone. As we saw, you know, Mark Latham probably does have a big target on my head because, you know, I'm standing in the way of him and his vested interest mates from making a lot of money at the expense of, you know, mums and dads who basically are having to pay higher electricity prices because people like Mark Latham are standing in the way of more competition and lower energy prices.
So you must have a good relationship with Mark to get this thing through, even if he did make, you know, a few post-it notes. Not really. I mean, you know, this is the guy that's gone from being Gough Whitlam's protege to Pauline Hanson's patsy. I mean, let's not forget how we're dealing with him, right? Like, as long as he's not going to, you know, lose his temper and break your arm. Well, I won't be jumping in a taxi with him anytime soon, but like, you know. Okay. Well, we know where you stand there.
So is, what about Barilaro? Is he, is he on board? Barilaro's been fantastic.
I mean, this wouldn't have got through without John's leadership. I know he's been in your program before and, you know, he backed this because he sees that it means jobs for the bush.
It means investment in the regions. $58 billion is going to be going to the regions between now and 2042. And it means really, really low electricity prices. And, you know, that's huge for those energy intensive industries, which are largely located in the bush. So no one wins more out of this package than rural and regional New South Wales.
That's been one of the biggest arguments, I guess, in Queensland, particularly, you know, you've got, Anastasia has to walk the line between, you know, the remaining kind of loyalists in those central Queensland seats, the labor loyalists and the, and you know, this new narrative that labor's anti jobs in the bush and, and, you know, Turnbull had his own struggles with that too. You know, you look like the narrative has been that the arranged inner city lefties want to take these jobs away just for the fuck of it. Uh, you kind of escape inner city lefty because you live in deep, deep, North shore, suburbia, almost the lower central coast, you could call it. How have you found, you know, talking the talk out there?
I mean, you don't do the Hurley hat. Do you do the brand new Akubra? Well, we, we bought one, Tegan, my media advisor here, she made me go out and buy an Akubra largely because I have a lack of foliage in my head, which is probably explained by being the energy minister in New South Wales.
But anyway, um, look, the, the key challenge in this space is making sure no one's left behind. We know that there is change coming because of new technology and a change in economics and these global mega trends. And no matter how much Mark Latham or Rowan Dean or Allen Jones or sky after dark scream that we shouldn't do anything. The fortunes of Australia, the fortunes of those employees and industries is going to be determined by factors outside our control. So we can move to get ahead of the curve and support, grab those opportunities, but support those people that could be displaced by these changes, or we could just pretend like it's not going to exist. And let me tell you, that is a recipe for disaster. Not only for those people, not only for those industries, but we will leave our country as a rust bucket state. Yeah. Well, taking into account that, you know, in terms of the global picture in New South Wales, the emissions that they put out into the world's very, very minimum.
Is this all in vain if other people don't follow suit? Um, well, the reality is that other people are following suit.
In fact, with Biden in the white house now, it means 70% of Australia's two way trade is signed up, is with countries that are signed up to hit net zero emissions by mid this century. You know, South Korea, China, Japan, the UK, Germany, Europe, these are countries or, you know, areas that have underwritten our prosperity for generations because we've been able to trade with them. What I'm saying is that the kind of products that they're looking for from Australia or other countries is changing as well, and we're really well placed to service those new needs and we should get ahead of the curve to make sure that we can underwrite the next generation's prosperity as well. So why haven't we promised to do the same as those countries? Like in your opinion, why haven't we made the pledge? Look, I mean, we have in New South Wales. We've got a commitment to hit net zero emissions by 2050, and we've got a very aggressive target level though.
Well, I'm not a federal MP. They don't even know who he is mate. They don't even know who I am.
Well, you know, you're obviously, you know, you're in the club, you're in the know, is there any reason why we shouldn't or is... No, I mean, I am a member of the liberal party and I'm arguing that we should have a zero net emissions target in New South Wales because it's good for our economy. It's good for jobs. It's good for investment and it's the economically rational position to take. Can I explain why other people have a different view? Not really, but you know, I think that signing up to net zero emissions is good, not only for our environment, but it's good for the future of our economy.
Yeah. Can you tell us, you've, you've said a few things that made everyone pay attention, obviously. Apart from wearing my skivvy. Yeah.
Apart from wearing your skivvy, yeah, he's in the Archibald. He's a, he's a, you know, who else would have been in the Archibald this year? I'm sure there would have been a, a Lucy Turnbull, an Ando, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big Quilty's always in it.
Yeah. Now you... Permanent fixture.
So you made those comments about Latham earlier in this interview, which, um, which I guess everyone's thinking and, and, and you've made before, you've also made comments recently about the coal barons, you know, us being held ransom by the coal barons, which no one's really said anything like that before for me, the sides of politics that, you know, there might be some vested interests preventing certain policies. Is there any names? Is there anyone you want to name and shame? Who are we talking? We talking Gina? We talking Twiggy? What's going on?
No, look, I mean, during the energy debate, you know, the people that came out and opposed it the hardest were the people that currently benefited most from the existing system. If you own the only sources of generation, if you're operating as an oligopoly or a monopoly, you own a generator, you want prices high, you want the people listening to your podcast, the mums and dads out there in the suburb paying super high bills because it underwrites your super high profits. All I'm saying is we want more, we should have more competition in the market. We should be aiming for lower electricity prices that also is reliable. You don't want, you know, you can have very low electricity prices, but it may not, the system may not work all the time. We need to ensure there's a reliable system with the cheapest energy available.
And if that doesn't suit the big energy companies, then that's not my problem. I'm on the side of community interest. I'm on the side of the mums and dads and people listening to your podcast who deserve cheap, reliable energy. And if that happens to be clean, all the better. And if that happens to get up the nose of the big energy companies because they own the existing assets, then, you know, that's not my problem.
Is that a similar thing's happened with the, I guess the Sydney airport for years, it's kind of, you know, no competition for Sydney airport. And now there's, now there's conversation. I mean, it came at quite a cost, but there is now a second airport being, being built there, which might mean that you could fly to Melbourne for less than $500. Yeah, totally. I mean, think of the car parking situation at Sydney airport where one guy owns the car park and he charges through the roof. It's like me coming along and saying, well, we're going to open it up to competition.
And then him saying, no, I don't want you to do that.
That's exactly what's happening in this energy debate. So it's got nothing to do with coal versus renewables. It's got nothing to do with, you know, old technology versus new technology. It's got everything to do with the economics. And all I'm arguing for is more competition, greater choice for consumers that will lower prices.
And guess who doesn't like that? The big energy companies that operate, that make super profits because they have high electricity prices. And who are these people?
Do they live in Australia? Yeah, they live in Australia.
Absolutely. You know, there's this guy called Trevor St. Baker who I signaled out on Twitter and he owns, he bought a power station for a million bucks. And last year he made a $500 million profit or thereabouts because of higher energy prices. I, you know, I'm a capitalist. I want people to go out and invest their capital. You want people to be able to flip a power station if that's what they have the money to do? Sure, sure.
But I don't want them to do it because they're gouging mums and dads in the suburbs. And that's why we're trying to open up to more competition, provide lower prices. And if he's still making profits in that environment, then good luck to him.
I haven't read through all the policy, but what do you reckon is the, it's going to be the front runner for renewables? And is it going to be, is it going to be solar? Is it going to be wind? I think it's going to be a combination of a heap of things. I think there's going to be wind and solar and pumped hydro and batteries are coming down the cost curve dramatically. And there's exciting new technologies emerging like hydrogen.
It's not my job to pick winners. The market will sort that out, but you know, the technology that will win will be the one that can provide the cheapest form of reliable electricity.
And that's where the market will move to. That's where capital is moving to already. That's where the super companies are moving to.
Can you explain just to our listeners now, you know, some people might not follow the news, you know, the political side of the state and political news cycle as closely as we do. What is it? How do we even have factions at a state level? Explain the factions in, in New South Wales, liberal party, because firstly, I'm shocked to hear that not everyone follows state politics.
I mean, this is just, I'm falling off my chair here.
Secondly, political parties are like the community. They are diverse organisations with people from different traditions, different backgrounds with different points of view. And that's healthy for our democracy. And you know, I joined the liberal party cause you know, I believed in liberalism, you know, I'm socially progressive, but I'm also economically rational, but the liberal party also has people that are socially conservative, but you know, may see a greater role for government in the economy. That doesn't mean one's wrong or one's right. It's just different. We represent, you know, the liberal party seeks to represent all Australians and you know, not all Australians have the same view on these issues. So you want your parties diverse and there is that natural tension there. Labor has the same challenges. I'd argue that most political parties have the same challenges. Greens have got the, you know, the nuclear disarmament faction and they've got the Tasmanian anti-forestry faction as well.
But you obviously broad church, you just described that to us in the libs. Who would be your federal contemporary? Who would you point to in the feds that is, you know, of the same kind of brand of liberal as you?
Well, I think, I mean, there's a lot of, there's a, there's a lot of people that, Tim Wilson, Tim is a great friend of mine and, Peter Dutton maybe? I think Peter and I read some different books. It's fair to say. I know he's one of your Queensland contemporaries.
Yeah, the North Brisbane problem. And the mortgage belt.
But I think the thing that unites liberals is the, they believe in free enterprise. They believe in building a stronger economy, creating jobs and opportunities. They, they believe in, in capitalism.
So whilst Peter Dutton, for example, maybe more socially conservative than I am, you know, on economics, I would imagine that we have a similar, a pretty similar worldview. So you'd be inclined to spend a hundred thousand dollars a day to keep a family on Christmas Island? Well, I don't think we're that similar.
A couple of months ago, we saw the New South Wales government almost be blown apart by koalas really in the scheme of things. Koalas really that important.
I mean, they don't really do anything. They just. Do you have them in Queensland? Yeah.
But you know, they aren't that sacred. I mean, I don't think that koalas would blow the Queensland government apart. I think there's much more important things to worry about.
Like taxi licenses. But what was that like? What's stopping New South Wales people?
For a government to be torn apart by something so trivial as a lot of people were saying as koalas, how did that happen? Well, firstly, I don't think koalas are trivial. I think koalas are one of our most loved and iconic animals. They are massively under threat. And the biggest threatening process to koalas is the loss and fragmentation of their habitat. And this is about more than koalas.
This debate is about private property rights versus public good. As I was explaining, there are tensions in the liberal party on some of these issues. There are even big attention sometimes in the coalition. I mean, the national party is an entirely separate party that is in bed with the liberal party to form government. And, you know, they're the voice of rural and regional New South Wales and the concerns of their constituencies are very different to the ones of ours in the city.
So you say there's gnats that agree with you on this? Definitely. I mean, there are some gnats that where the koala issue is really important. Take Jeff Provis, the member for Tweed. I mean, that's, you know, koalas are loved up there on the far north coast. But then there are some other gnats members inland that don't want their private property rights curtailed and because there's no koalas there. So, you know, a one size fits all approach is not the right approach. And I think that the thing with John Barrallaro and the New South Wales gnats is that they're working really constructively with us to find that path forward.
And, you know, I'm involved in those discussions. I'm confident we're going to land it in a good place. But, yeah, I mean, there were some pretty tense moments there.
I know, like, if the gnats actually were the real voice for regional Australia, in particular, New South Wales, we wouldn't really have the need for the shooters, farmers and fishers really, would we? I mean, like, where were they on that debate? The shooters, fishers and farmers. I'm not sure where they're at with shooting koalas.
I don't know. I haven't read that in their platform.
But look, I mean, the gnats have always been the voice of rural and regional New South Wales. You know, I think that John Barrallaro and his team do a great job, and I think that'll continue to be the case.
If you really need to be convinced that koalas shouldn't be shot out of the trees, you just need to hear that one squeal when they do get shot and they don't die instantly. It sounds like an alien dying. Is it worse than when they're mating? Yeah, it's like that, but constant. Because the mating is more of a heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. And I think the, you know, the maimed koala will haunt you forever. Well, the thought of any koala dying is like pretty appalling. I mean, this is not... Unless it's, you know, when they're like 38 years old, just dropping out of a tree.
I mean, I don't think anyone genuinely wants, like, koalas extinct, or the only way you can see a koala in the zoo. I mean, you know, I think there are some legitimate arguments around private property rights that need to be dealt with. You know, how we compensate people for, you know, looking after koala habitat on their land. There are some genuine discussions to be had around the rate of land clearing and things like that, and how much national parks we should be protecting. But surely there is no one that doesn't want to see a koala not only survive, but thrive.
And, you know, that's why I've committed to doubling the koala population in New South Wales. We've got a lot of work. I've got some of the best scientists in the country currently working up that plan. I'll have something to announce. Maybe I can do it exclusively on your podcast next year. How are we going to save the koala?
Yeah. But...
More zoos. No, not more zoos. We need more habitat, and we need to make sure that we look after them.
Yeah. And don't forget, it's not just the loss of land. It's chlamydia. It's a huge threat. I mean, yeah. In koala sanctuaries and in regional universities. Now...
Just one last question on those land clearing laws. Most of the land that's being cleared in New South Wales is for agriculture, and agriculture is one of the largest contributors of greenhouse gases in the world.
Does this new plan have anything in there to offset that? The new koala plan? Or your new green energy plan? Is there any plan to offset these trees that are being lost for cows and for farts? Look, the energy plan is all about making sure that our existing power stations are replaced before they close with newer, cheaper, reliable forms of clean energy. Does it offset clearing of land? No, it doesn't. But, you know, part of our koala strategy, which we will be announcing next year, will have a concrete plan to not only protect our existing koala populations, but see them double.
So, as I said, maybe we can come back on the podcast and announce it. Okay, we'd love to have you. The Guardian or the Sydney Morning Herald wouldn't want such progressive policy. Obviously, it should become an opportunity. Well, thank you. Thank you for that. And you've made a lot of kind of arguments today and a lot of comments that I guess would be received well by in a bipartisan sense. Do you want to now, we'll give you the opportunity now to say something conservative, maybe fiscally conservative, just like, what are your thoughts on JobKeeper? Slash it, get rid of it, you know?
No, I love it. Okay. Love it. It's fantastic.
Important. I mean, because, you know, conservatives should be about having a strong economy. And the economy's taken a massive whack because of the coronavirus. And the government stepped in to support those people that have been displaced because of this. And, you know, it's all about making sure we build back better. And I think JobKeeper is going to be really important.
What about a federal ICAC? Federal ICAC?
Yeah, I think we need one. I'm not being very conservative here, am I? I'm a big fan of transgender bathroom doors. Gender neutral bathrooms? How do we feel? Well, as the energy minister, this is not really my portfolio area, but is it that big an issue? Like, I don't understand why people are losing their minds over it. I think we do need a federal ICAC.
Well, I mean, you know, I've got no problem with a tough and robust, you know, corruption watchdog on the beat. We've got one in New South Wales. You've been able to avoid it? We've got a pretty toothless one up here in Queensland.
I intend to keep it that way as well. So that's a yes. All right. That's a yes.
Federal ICAC soon. Federal ICAC now.
Yeah. I think you're verbally me there. But I'm very happy with the corruption watchdog in New South Wales. Basically this whole ban all drugs, ban all fossil fuels and... I don't think I said ban drugs. I think... We're verbal-ing it. We're going to, this will be all through the Daily Telegraph tomorrow. My God.
Like they gave me a G in their ministerial ratings. G for greenie today. I'll be getting a D for like, I'll be getting a Z. How low could I go after this interview?
Well, it's an interesting time. We managed to get through all this except for like, you know, the last two minutes we mentioned COVID-19 indirectly. It's good to be talking about something else.
Thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me, boys. Thanks for coming up, man. Thanks for wearing your budget. No worries. Thank you.
Matt Keane MP. That was amazing. |
dropout | what_s_inside_hillary_clinton_s_pockets | Hello America! My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and I'd like to show you what's inside my pockets. Any given second of any given day, someone is sprinting to Starbucks on my behalf.
There's no Ann Taylor by me, and the Chico's is freezing. Ginny from Talbots is a godsend.
Living in the 21st century means all work emails are personal. And vice versa. I keep all my contact information right here on the back. Oops, okay. I used to wipe down with my scarves, but folks complained about my smelly neck, if you can believe that. You never know when you might need to engage a young voter. He feels the burn, because I often burn him. Okay, moving on.
According to recent polls, Big Red is the most popular gum to chew. It also happens to be my favorite. Oh, just got new polling data. I now prefer Trident. I really connected with this character. Now, I think she got a bad rap.
A keychain that says keychain. And then the grumpy cat meme is right here on the other side. I love having a good time. People like tic tacs now. It is what they offered. Hello, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. |
cracked | the_only_woman_to_ever_rule_china_was_as_badass_as_you_think | One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, eight, nine, ten, eight, nine, ten, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight, nine, eight. Hey guys! Thanks for watching that video! Seems like you like watching stuff.
If that's the case, Please come to UCB Sunset Theatre and see me, Jack O'Brien, and my not-brother, Daniel O'Brien, and other crack people, presumably, along with Georgia Hartstark and Karen Kilgariff, the hosts of the My Favorite Murder podcast, as well as guests on one of our most popular episodes of the crack podcast. We're going to be talking about murder. We're going to be talking about mayhem. We're going to be talking serial killers. We're going to be talking urban legends that happen to be true. Those are mostly synonyms. I've just heard that listing things is good for punctuating your sales pitch. Anyways, it is January 14th, 7 p.m. Be there or be murdered. I can't say that, kind of. |
TheOnion | SPONSORED_New_Wolfenstein_Game_Lets_Players_Choose_Which_Country_Won_WWII | What if you could pick who won World War II? With today's TechTrends GameBite, Bryce Markle has a sneak peek of an upcoming game that lets you rewrite history. Wolfenstein The New Order was originally just a game where you battle to free Earth from Nazis in an alternate timeline where they won World War II, but game maker Bethesda soon realized that their one-dystopia-fits-all approach was far too limiting. When we first announced Wolfenstein, people were excited to play in an alternate timeline, but asked, why does Nazi Germany get to conquer Earth? What about my country? When you start a new game, you select your home country, then you'll play in a universe where your country won World War II and rules the planet.
Right. I'm from Canada, so I'll pick that. This is 1960s America under a brutal Canadian occupation. Your mission is to buy some delicious poutine from one of the many upscale restaurants in the area. Three dates were all. Sorry. Pardon me. Coming through. Thank you. Scary.
Data testers from around the world are giving the option to choose World War II's victor high praise. In the Peruvian controlled timeline, everyone is required to wear socks made from soft alpaca wool. That's the kind of dictatorship I like. I tried to leave the sauna, but the Finnish Gestapo pointed guns at me and told me to get back in for 20 more minutes, because my muscles are still very tense. Of course, you have the option to fight your way out, but my character is very comfortable, so I'm just going to add more water to the cause.
We did extensive market research in every country to find out what players there wanted in their timeline. German gamers very much disliked the fact that their country had been the bad guy during World War II. So we made a universe for them where World War II simply never happened, and they bear no ancestral guilt whatsoever. You play as a black, gay German rabbi that's on very good terms with all his neighbors. U.S. players are in luck, too, as they can play in an American utopia where everyone eats hot dogs and apple pie for every meal. |
cracked | the_unbearable_weight_of_massive_talent_review_aka_cages_of_nicholas_past | It's so frustrating to me that it doesn't like, it has to show our face for two seconds before it plays the intro. It does? Yeah, yeah. So it's just like, the count counts to us sitting there for like two seconds. Dead on the stairs. Yeah.
That's so funny. I had no idea.
But anyway, welcome to crack movie club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies which are like books, but better. I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-host, Ally, because Jesse, now Jesse has abandoned me. So, hi.
That's sometimes your kids grow up and you have to learn to adjust. Not my kids. Not my kids, never my kids.
They're going to live here forever. All right, so if you haven't, if you haven't watched this before, watched us before, we are live, which means that you can say things to us and it'll hurt my feelings in real time. That's really good. You can watch his face fall in real time.
Not only is Jesse not here, but Brian, who tends to run these comments, is also not here. So I will be trying to do both at the same time, which means it's going to be the worst podcast.
So get excited. That's great. That's sort of like when I met my work where I have like classes with little kids. If one teacher needs to go do something, like sometimes it'd be like have to like quickly cast like the movie we're making or whatever will always be like, okay, I'm going to go do this.
You can ask Paul any question you want. And like suddenly the kids have like all the responsibility in the world of and they can ask any question they've ever wanted. So they they choke and they don't know what to ask anymore.
Right. And they'll just be like, are you do you it? Are you.
20. Yes, I'm 20. I'm 20.
Thank you so much. Yeah. So just ask everybody's questions. Yeah. Well, OK, so but that's the deal. Right. So if anybody has any observations, any questions, anything like that, any alternate titles for this movie besides the unbearable weight of massive talent, which is what we're talking about today, I'm going to make that banner pop up, which is another thing that I have to do myself. There it is. Ta-da. It's a movie.
Just throw it in the comments and I will do my best to observe that. But you know what? I normally don't. But I will keep an eye on the comments today.
It doesn't it doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
That's always that's sort of my refrain. That's a good way to start this. Let you know that we've given up entirely. Yeah. So to start, I'm going to do we didn't discuss this ahead of time. Can you do the recap? Sure. OK, so have it for us. Recap.
Nick Cage, played by Nick Cage, the famous actor, is at an impasse with his career. He's not getting the roles he wants. He wants to keep working, but his desire to keep working as at odds with his continuing estrangement from his family, he has a 16 year old daughter who he does not get along with and is recently divorced from his wife. Because he is at his lowest and really needs some money, he accepts an unconventional offer to go to his biggest fans birthday party, which is in Mallorca for a million dollars. And normally he'd be like, I would never do that. I'm a serious actor.
But because he owes lots of money and really needs some something to do, he goes while he is there, he is intercepted by the CIA who say, hey, the guy you're hanging with actually is like a cartel head and also interferes with elections to make sure they're more cartel friendly. And also we suspect has kidnapped the president's daughter, the president of Spain, Spain's daughter. Yeah, I think so. Something like that. So you got to go, like, explore his house and find her. So he is at odds with needing to be undercover, but also genuinely enjoying the company of this weird, eccentric millionaire, billionaire who's a huge fan of his and also wants to just get back to acting, which is his passion and his love. And so it all blows up, so to speak, when his family is flown out to Mallorca and then they all get in in in snared in the CIA drama.
And that's it. That's good. I'm sorry, I'm pulling double duty. That is all true.
There are there shoots with guns. There are lots and lots of references to Nick Cage movies, because to be clear, again, this is Nick Cage as Nick Cage playing Nick Cage. He is it is like being John Malkovich, but it's being Nick Cage.
And there are fewer people in his head, I suppose. Although there is somebody in his head.
So usually what we do is I explain or somebody explains why we're watching this movie and we're watching this movie because, hey, we're trying to be cool. We're trying to be relevant. We're trying to do new movies every once in a while. That's very Nick Cage of us to be striving for relevance.
At least Nicky Nicky Cage, his alter ego in this movie. And then the other reason is I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a Nick Cage fan in any particular weird way that some people seem to be. But I have generally liked all of his movies.
And the concept is just really fun. Plus, it's got Pedro Pascal from The Mandalorian. And he's he's a man with a sexy little coat.
I just adore him so much. Like I when I left the movie, I was like, am I one of his biggest fans? I think he's just so good, like not to like talk not to start a discussion about a movie about Nick Cage with the other actor.
But like I think he has a really unique ability that only some actors have to like really be like what I would call a genre player. Like you can really drop them into a very specific genre and they like meet the tone and expectations perfectly. Which in a movie like this is weird and necessary because you have to believe him equally as this threatening guy who might be behind the scenes kidnapping girls and, you know, manning elections. But also as this like puppy eyed, like lovely young dope who like just wants a friend and is very lonely and isolated and like needs. Like he like plays the goofiness and he plays the disarming, comedic character. He's doing a Paul Rudd and I Love You Man. But he's also doing sort of like a nod to like the character he played on like on Narcos for such a long time. Like he can be all the genres very easily and like that fast.
Right. I love him. I agree.
I mean, he's playing kind of that character. Like we've gotten villains like this before, which is, you know, they're evil.
I mean, a stupid I don't know why this jumps to mind. Have you seen the interview where they go to North Korea to kill? I've never seen it. I know what you're talking about, but I like never I heard it was bad. So I never bothered. It's pretty stupid.
But the whole thing about Kim Jong Un is that he's like. I mean, he's still Kim Jong Un. He's still evil or whatever, but he's like, you know, he's trying to show how cool he is and like make friends with them. But the whole time he like comes across this really nice guy.
I think it's played by shoot the guy from Ant-Man, the detective or whatever. Oh, yes. From Veep and everything. Yeah, yeah, I can't remember his name off the top of my head. But he is Randall Park. Yes, right. I think anyway, he's just like a nice guy.
But then he also happens to be a horrible person. But what's funny is that it never actually pans out that way.
Pedro Pascal is not, in fact, a villain, but he has to play enough of the possibility that it could be that it that you know, that we get some twists along the way and stuff like that. And I agree. I actually think the best thing about Pedro Pascal in this. I think he almost I think he almost ups Nick Cage. Like, I think he up stages him in a lot of ways. There is actually when we were looking for a trivia, there was a part that I read that when Nick Cage originally read the script, he thought that Javi was the best written character in the movie. So much so that he even asked to trade parts because he thought that being his own biggest fan would be almost more meta than playing himself, which is a good argument. I'm glad that he played himself because there's like so much about his film ethos.
Yeah, yeah. But yeah, he's just such a great I mean, look, they're both good actors, but like there's just something extremely. I was going to say lovable, but I know you're all going to read into that. So I'm going to say like trustable. He has like he has like floppy hair and big brown trustable eyes. I feel like something about him that's like very inviting. You like want to be with these.
Sorry, there's all these naked HD wet girls. He bring it up and they pop it in the chat. Get them on. I want to hear what their thoughts are. I can't block them fast enough. Oh, my God.
Look, while you do that, somebody confirmed that it is Randall Park and he's free and I agree with that. Randall Park is truly one of our better commuter actors, commuter actors. Yeah, he's probably the best commuter we've got.
I will say I just think I think one of the things that's great about Pedro Pascal is he tends to get put in roles where it's like he's supposed to be a really hot, attractive lead, but he kind of looks like a goofball. Like he does. Yes, that's kind of his. I think that's kind of his like superpower is that he is obviously like an extremely attractive person, but like his leading energy, like the energy that comes through the door is not one of like sexual machismo or like aggression. Like he's just sort of like, hey, I'm like, I'm just like here. We should have a beer and go in the pool. Which makes him more attractive in a way, because like you're just like, oh, he's so goofy. He's so I'm so he's so disarming. Well, it's like completely the right thing for this character, too. Yeah. And well, it's also like his character in the Wonder Woman sequel that is awful. He's really interesting because he plays the villain in that as well. And it's a very similar vibe where he's sort of like a conflicted.
Have you seen it? No, I have.
And I really didn't like it. Oh, my gosh, it was awful.
But he also plays that kind of conflicted, like crazy guy. I mean, he's a salesman. Yeah, he's a TV show guy. There was something about that character that was like so manic in a bad way, like that was like the writing. Yeah. That like this didn't have that I like really appreciated that he wasn't like a guy who was like he's pretty manic. I mean, yeah, they're like they're like driving an LSD. But like, I guess I mean more like in the way that he's like he's not like Nick Cage, get in the pool. He's like, I guess we should if you wanted to tomorrow, we could go to the cliffs and see what your first game. Well, he does that. But then when they get to the cliffs, he snaps into his his like acting character, whatever.
Yeah, I love like act with him. I have a lot to say about like the relationship that they have that also about that is like also weirdly like a meta thing like what is actually fun about acting that isn't the business of acting. Is it so like, OK, good, because I've thought about that, too, actually. Yeah, so like, OK, so much of the movie is about how people tell you when and where you can make movies and how you can make them and whether or not you can be in them. And that Nick Cage is like, all I want to do is be an actor. I love to act.
I'm really good at it. It's my job. No one ever looks at a doctor and says, you work too much this year.
It's like, I want to act. And like it's, you know, acting is the only thing in the world where you can be like oversaturated with Nick Cage movies and people don't want to see you anymore. And he's like, that's not fair because like what makes me happy is acting. I'm an actor. And then he finds this person who's not only like a fan of him, which strokes his ego, but like wants to act with him, not in a way that's like we should be actors because we should be millionaires.
It's like, I want to play with you. They like get into these like invented scenarios because it's fun and because it like because they like have a deep knee deep down to play because acting is like play. That's what we tell kids. You know what I mean? And we're like, guys, improv is just like what you used to play when you were eight years old. Just like turn off the part of your brain that judges it and like get in there. And then, of course, when, you know, you talk to an adult, you're like acting is play. Sometimes often it's updating your website. Like they're embracing the part that's like, we got to go. We got to jump off the cliff. And it's like they're like kids playing playing kid games. But they're like with adult stakes.
Well, and I think I love that. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think it's you kind of circled to it at the end, which is I think one of the most interesting things. So this is going to feel like a departure.
But comedians in cars getting coffee. Jerry Seinfeld.
So something about how Hollywood is all built around meetings. It's like, oh, we can have a great meeting. We had a great meeting. That was awesome. We're just going to go around and do meetings because as soon as somebody makes something that everybody gets pissed and everybody has ideas and it starts to fall apart because now the thing exists and it's never as good as it was in the middle of the idea. Exactly. And I feel that way all the time. I had I had a meeting with somebody about making some videos or something. And I was like, this is a great meeting.
It's probably going to be like if we work together, maybe it'll be sad and we'll all be mad at each other. And then when we get in the in the in the shit of like making stuff, everybody has frustrating ideas and stuff. But like when we make these twenty dollar movies, like we had the Batman for twenty dollars and we're planning the multiverse madness, multiverse of madness for twenty dollars. And it's just so much fun sitting there and everybody riffing on jokes and we're just having a good time. And then when we start to the closer we get to making it, everybody's going to be frustrated.
Yep. I mean, it'll still be. It'll still be fun. But anyway, this movie feels a lot like a celebration of the they're just like having meetings. It's all about the potential. I don't know that they're I guess the movie does get made ultimately. I think about it. But a lot of it is just like the fun of stuff. And they even get into the discussions of like, yeah, we should have a kidnapping because that'll sell the movie or whatever. Like, but then they don't go away from that. And that's actually what the movie has, both in the version that we're watching and the version that they make. Yes. It's just really interesting. So. OK, I have. This is my opinion, kind of of the movie over overall.
OK, I thought that the CIA premise was so fun. Love the idea. Oh, oh, like, I love that the like. The elevator pitch of this movie is like Nick Cage has to go undercover as himself because he's integrating his biggest fan. Cool.
Yeah, I thought the writing of the CIA parts was like abysmally bad. Where I was still having a really good time because the movie is really fun and it moves fast. So like we never like sat too long in the CIA bits until like the third act, which was its worst act, I thought. Yeah. But before that, like when it was goofier, it was better, like when he was trying to get into the security room and he'd like touched himself with the incapacity. Like the goofier it was, the closer it was to a comedy, the better. The more serious it got, the less I believed it and the less I thought the writing supported it like at all. And to the point where I went to go see this with some friends and we all started texting each other later tonight, making fun of how people texted in the movie being like, hey, this is Vivian from CIA.
Put me in your phone as CIA Vivian. Hey, are you are you next? Are you next to the psychopath?
Don't let him read this. This is Vivian, by the way, from the CIA. Like it's like the fact that like this whole thing was hinging on the fact that they were able to get wiretapped.
I was like, are you kidding? Yeah, it was so bad. Like this is stupid. It is. And you're right. It's not necessarily in a fun way.
And even like all the people getting kidnapped and just like inexplicably, all these guards being like, I'm not going to shoot. I'm not going to shoot. I don't care how many people you stabbed or shot or whatever. I'm not going to fire my gun if you're at close range.
You're going to be able to defeat me somehow because you are a national treasure, I guess. And it's just it is those parts. It definitely drags a little bit. And that's actually something that I wanted to talk about, which is one of the things I think is really interesting about this movie is that it is a mid budget action comedy in a way that we don't really get any more. Like, I don't feel like we get a ton of we talked about this a little bit with I Love You Man, but we don't really get comedies with a budget more than an indie movie or whatever anymore. Yeah, it's really interesting and it's so high concept. It feels like that's the only way to sell this kind of thing anymore. I don't know. It's just really interesting genre. I really admire the target, do you know what I'm saying?
And when it worked, I felt like it like really worked. And when the wheels came off the car, they came off the car like so hard. Yeah, yeah. Like, I remember I was talking about it last night when I saw it and I was like, my feeling of it is like when this movie is a carnival ride and it's like, okay, it's gonna be a little crazy but keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times and we'll have a good time. When that's happening, incredible, so fun, no notes.
But when the ride comes to a halt, like they're not even dressed up as Donald Duck when they come fix the ride. You're just like, that's just a guy. He's just fixing my wheels. The magic is gone.
Like it just like, to me, the parts that were not good were like so glaringly almost fixable. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, do you know like when something's not good because like it's almost fixable and you don't totally know how but like you just wish it was like this much better because you just feel like that would help it. So here's how I would have fixed a lot of this.
I think, okay, the scene where they're on LSD and they're scaling the wall, it's very obvious. Like we know what's happening. We know he's gonna find a way around. Like the joke is clear, but the execution is so good and so fun.
You don't care. It's stupid. You know what's happening. It's not a joke that hasn't been told a thousand times but their commitment to the bit sells it for me.
I think that should have been all of it. The whole thing is Nick Cage was on LSD and he's imagining everything.
There's no CIA. Nobody's getting kidnapped.
It's just this crazy fever dream that he's having because he's so wrapped up in himself. Like it could have been a whole different twist where like he just thinks he's just paranoid. He's like, I'm Nick Cage. Of course they're trying to kidnap me for my money. Yeah, of course I'm the millionaire I'm more talking to as a psycho.
Or my talent or my whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is building all of these things into the fabric of whatever.
And maybe he's getting drugged intentionally or there's something like that. But I think the fact that very literally the CIA was using him to infiltrate a very real cartel is such a weird ass premise to just be like, no, no, no, this is actually what's happening.
We're gonna be funny about it. But like that's happening. Like that I wrote that down and everybody was like, yeah, that makes sense.
It's just such a weird thing to commit to. It is a weird thing to commit to.
I almost am glad they did. Cause it's like so weird to the point where I'm like I definitely get what you're saying. I guess I'm sort of playing devil's advocate just like as a thought experiment. Cause like I want the movie that they wrote to work. Like I want this to work.
But like, to me it was like, again, I'm sorry that I talk about improv so much on this stupid podcast, I'm so sorry. But like it did like a lot of their dialogue and a lot of their justifications felt like what you say in an improv scene when you've seen like four episodes of like CSI and you don't know what else to say. Like I have guilty of it myself.
Or like she was like, it's too late for an extraction. We can't do any extraction. The government won't let us.
I was like, what? Like that can't be a valid response to an international crisis. Like, do you know what I'm saying? Like there was so many things of that. That's why I wish she was heightened in some way. Like some of that stuff is just like like when she got kidnapped or whatever, I was like, I don't care about that.
And also like, how would they know? Like his family arrived in Mallorca nigh on four hours ago. And then when he like runs back and Sharon Horgan, his wife is like, she went outside for two seconds and she got snatched. And I was like, how'd they know? Did they just snatch a girl?
Did they know it was Nick Cage's daughter? They only just now found out Nick Cage was part of it. Did they Google image search Nick Cage plus daughter?
Do you know what I'm saying? Like everything about it, I was like, what is happening? I guess that's what I'm saying is why introduce a bunch of plot holes into a script that you're committing to? I guess is my point. Like why not, you could hand wave it all by being like, ah, none of it was real or only parts of it were real or whatever. I just felt like the fact that they're like, oh no, there's some high stakes CIA.
They're like, do you not care about the president of Spain? And I'm like, no, I don't care about the president. I mean, like it was just weird little things like that where I'm like, I can't tell if you're kidding with me or if you're actually trying to get me to care about the elections of the president of Spain.
But also is that legal? Can the whole country know that he's gonna drop out because of, like, do they not have laws for this?
I don't know. I mean, I don't know. But yeah, so I- Spain, you know, who knows?
Yeah, I do feel like there could have been a sillier version of this script where we go down the CIA rabbit hole really far and then we zoom out. He's like reading it with Javi for his family out loud. Do you what I mean? And they're like performing this fake version of his life where when his wife and daughter come to visit, they get kidnapped and then he saves them to prove how much he loves them. And they're like, Nick, you're crazy. Do you know what I mean? And they're like, no, no, no, that really happened. But that was his fantasy of how he got closer with his family. Yeah, it could be funny too. Like you do the first two acts and then as soon as he introduces the kidnapping element, that's when you realize that part's been written. Like maybe the whole first part where he, like what you're saying basically, but he goes to meet the fan and they have fun and they start talking about the thing and then they end up developing it.
I mean, I don't know, even that feels like an unnecessary rug pull, but it just feels, I just kept being like, I don't care about this. I wrote in my notes, I was like, did it have to be an action comedy? Because all the things that I really liked about it, it had nothing to do with the action comedy. Yeah, it was also funny because like in the movie, they kept being like, it's an adult comedy. With two characters who we care about and it is not, like they just like kept saying what the movie wasn't gonna be and then this movie kind of like was it. I don't think that was intentional. I think it was only because I think, I think they're also trying to say, hey, Nick Cage has made a lot of Blockbuster-y, trashy action movies and that's okay.
Cause you gotta get kids in the door. That doesn't mean they have to be bad.
I mean, he always says in his interviews, he's like, yeah, maybe I did 38 movies last year and all of them were made for $11, but that doesn't mean I wasn't trying. Like as opposed to Bruce Willis with his aphasia, clearly doing it for a paycheck for right reasons, probably. Nick Cage is like, no, I- I'm an actor.
Yeah, I really care about the Left Behind series. The rapture is real for now while I'm making this movie. And so, you know, I think that's what they meant to do.
They're trying to celebrate all of Hollywood. It's a miracle that movies exist. Like it's a miracle that anything is worth watching.
I just, I think there's a way to do that without being and, you know, the president of Spain. We really care about him right now. I mean, the comedic parts of the action were so fun too. They were.
Like the part where they changed shoes and then they were arguing about who was going to run to the car first because like you're faster than me. So even in bad shoes, you'll be faster than me. Ah, but you might be slower than me, but now you have my kids.
So like, like that was like so great and stupid. And then the fact that like, they love each other so much that they just end up running together anyway, like perfect. Perfect little comedic action bit. And then the parts where it just was too much action and no comedy. It was like sort of badly justified and badly written slash researched. So it like felt like a kid's play.
Yeah, sure. You know what I mean? And I just think we're circling around this, but I just think there's a way to do that. That's either funnier or more surprising or yeah, I don't know, really lean into it to make the action surprisingly good or something like that. Yeah, totally. I was going to say the thing that the action does bring about, which I appreciated because I'm going to always bring things back to being a dad is I- I thought you were going to say the raid two. Oh my God. Have you seen it? Now I have. Yeah, I know. Yes, everything should be more like the raid two or everything everywhere all at once. They had great fight scenes too. I actually really liked the daughter angle of it. Like I liked their little progression because I don't know, as a dad, again, I'm always willing to give these things even more leniency because I'm like imagining my kid being nine and then being 16 and just how fun it would be to watch Paddington too. Yeah. Are you going to watch Paddington too with your daughters the instant it becomes available for them?
You should, it'll make you a better man. Maybe you want to be a better man.
I mean, that's the thing is, so we didn't let my daughter watch anything until she was two because I don't know, studies claim that's good. And so now we've just started slowly. She just turned three, but we've been introducing stuff. She watches short films.
We'll watch like Cinderella. We'll watch Frozen Adventure. I'll watch Frozen Adventure. We'll watch Cinderella, but only the happy parts and stuff like that.
And I don't know, it's already so great. Like literally yesterday, yesterday morning because it was Mother's Day. I got her and I let my wife sleep and she was, I was like, let's watch a movie because we're making too much noise. And she just like laid on my chest to watch Cinderella. And I was like, this is already so special. It's really cool to think about that when she's so much older and has more of a choice.
Like I think that's the thing that was really appealing to me is that kids now, they love me because who else do they get? Like I give them everything. You know what I mean?
They don't know anybody. Yeah, they don't know anybody else.
But that idea of like a 16 year old being like, I am effectively independent. I mean, sure, I may be here for another year or two or whatever, but that idea of still giving that love to her dad anyway, and a very understated just head on the shoulder thing, which is of course also a callback to what he said she did when she was nine. Nine years old, right? And then also, yeah, just understanding dad sucked sometimes.
I just, I really appreciated that little moment in the movie. That relationship was great, even though it was relatively thin. Him and Pedro Pascal was great. Even him and Sharon was pretty solid. Yes, I thought they had like great chemistry.
I genuinely- She's great in everything too. I love her so much.
But I really thought they had chemistry. I believed that they had been married. I believe that they had been in love as adults and have been through a life together.
No, there's really like nothing wrong with the acting in the movie. Even like, I thought that Tiffany Haddish's dialogue was impossible to act because it was like bad. I didn't even think she was bad. I just like thought she was saying lines that I was like, no humans ever said this and no human ever will. So I don't know how you say this believably. There's nothing to believe. It's also weird to cast her in the straight man role kind of like she's the more serious cop as opposed to Ike Bernholz who's like- Yeah.
Did you watch After Party? No, I haven't. They're both in After Party, weirdly.
Interesting. And she also was playing the quote unquote straight man of the whole series where she is the cop who's investigating everybody's alibis. And she's funny. Like she has moments of funniness, but she like isn't like wacky. Yeah. And she is good at it. And she was really good at it in the After Party which goes to show that like, it's not really like a lack of talent on her part or anything. And it's not even a role she can't play. She like played it.
It just like, I don't know. How are you supposed to act like, hey, did you do it yet? Did you, you didn't do it yet? I would really love if you did it.
Thanks. It's for the CIA by the way. Love you, bye. Hang up.
So the other negative version of this shows up in a lot of superhero movies that are really long and where they have multiple villains now. There's always scenes where not Thanos, his lesser villain shows up at Thanos throne is like, so I don't know if you saw the last movie, I did this and I did this and Thanos was like, okay, well now you gotta do this. And it's like, I'm so thrilled by this. Like the Snyder cut, they have a freaking Steppenwolf go back to Darkside or whatever.
And he's like, I found one of the mother boxes. And he's like, well, you need to find the other mother. More mother bots.
Yeah, and I'm like, I see how this movie got to four hours. We'll talk a lot about what is happening actively. And so any movie, it's also, I don't know, a closer example to this is, did you ever watch the Daredevil show?
Yes. Where like- He has a sexy little code. Well, he does have a sexy little code, but it's the same thing with, it's like people are always showing up being like, you gotta stop being Daredevil, Daredevil. Yeah. You gotta do this.
And he's like, I'm not gonna not do it. The show ends if I stop being Daredevil. I don't know if you know the title of the show, but it's Daredevil. Yeah, it's like, it's just introducing this conflict where there's one character being like, do this or don't do this. And it's like, I already know the choice they're making. Stop telling me that they- Yeah, that there's every chance they're not going to.
Yeah, anyway, that's not just the noise that crap out of me. And so, yeah, I think maybe that's why I hated that part was too many people being like, you can't stop because of Spain. You gotta go here because of, yeah, Spain again. Yeah.
Or you'd be like, we're in a crisis, I'm in too deep. And she'd be like, you can't be because there isn't enough time.
Yeah, the CIA committed all of two people to this very important mission. And it all hinges on a famous movie star agreeing to be a part of it.
And here's what's dumb, right? We shouldn't be arguing plot holes. It should be so dumb that you don't even think about it, but they're too into it. Totally agree. It needed to be either 20% stupider, more just like, don't ask, it's just a stupid, why would we argue a plot hole is a comedy? Or 20% smarter, slightly better researched, slightly better justified, whatever.
And it was neither, which is why we're sitting here being like, what if it was serious? What if it wasn't serious? It's like, well, obviously the answer is either. It just isn't why. Yeah, I don't wanna think about the plot holes in a movie of Nick Cage playing Nick Cage, starring Nick Cage as Nick Cage. It's like, it doesn't make any sense, but then it's still, it's like really wants me to care.
Anyway, we're getting tuned to the weeds. One of the things I think was really interesting just as far as background, and this is something that Jesse usually brings, but he's being lazy somewhere. So I'm gonna come up with it.
Nick Cage did not wanna do this movie. They brought it to him like four times and they're like, Nick Cage, this is pretty silly.
You're pretty silly, right? And he's like, I'm not that silly.
I'm Nick Cage, I'm still an actor. I still care about myself. And eventually the director had to write him like a handwritten letter to be like, please Nick Cage, I promised to do you right.
And even after, and he was like, fine. And then after he filmed it, he was still like, I think this was a bad idea.
I'd be curious. I don't know if anybody's followed up with him. I wonder where he, what he feels like now.
It's just another of his billion movies and he's moved on, he doesn't care.
Even though I have spent 15 minutes critiquing the movie, I definitely don't think it was like a bad idea for Nick Cage because my overwhelming impression of the movie was, how fun is it that Nick Cage exists genuinely? Like we were walking home and I was like, isn't it nice that we let Nick Cage still be famous? Not because like he's not good and we're like doing him a favor, but because just like we as an audience really get particular about like what kind of actor we're into. And Nick Cage is unclassifiable as any kind of actor, which is like the point of this movie and like something he talks about a lot in the meta of the movie. And I'm just like glad that we just like haven't lost our taste or our, this sounds like a read, but I do mean it as a compliment. Sometimes in his movies, you feel like you're watching a car crash where you're like, it's so horrific that you can't look away. And I'm like obsessed with the fact that we just like still have a taste for that. Like no matter what the role is, if he's being like a romantic lead or if he's doing like con air, we're just like, what's this man up to? And so like, I don't think this movie was a failure on his part, even if I have critiques with it, because what it made me think was I am glad Nick Cage is alive.
Like that's what I feel. I agree.
I actually think the best thing that this movie does, it made me kind of appreciate Nick Cage more because he does a lot more of his weird line reads that he does in every movie. Yes. But they just really lean into it even more so like the, are you just sending me on a wild goose chase or whatever he like, no, the emphasis makes no sense. And I think what's interesting about it is actually a thing that I didn't really love about Dr. Strange, Multiverse of Madness. I'm just gonna go into this really quick, which is now we were talking again, cause we're gonna do that for $20 and we were all talking about the movie. And I was saying the thing that I didn't love about Sam Raimi's directing style, and I know a lot of people love it, is he does so many wacky camera moves and things to go, do you know you're watching a movie?
You're watching a movie. This is a movie. The camera goes right in your face or he'll have these like fade to blacks where it does a circle over somebody's head and you're like, I did it. We're watching a movie.
And I think Nick Cage does a similar thing with acting, which is like, well, obviously nobody talks like this. Like nobody miss emphasizes goose like that without intentionally meaning to. And I do think even in Moonstruck, which is one of the first movies that we did, he's just so watchable because he's so inhuman almost.
Yes, it's like vulnerable. We use the word vulnerable to mean something positive in terms of like, it was so raw. She was so sad, but like he's vulnerable in a way that's like scary.
And I like love that. Like I don't know many actors who like are in touch with that and the fact that he's like a believable romantic interest in Moonstruck, but you're also like horrified by who he is as a person. I remember when we were talking about it, we were like, I would fully believe at the end of this movie, he was like, and also by the way, I'm a werewolf. He would have been like, absolutely you are. That makes perfect sense with everything I've learned about you through this course of this movie.
I'm glad you're marrying Cher. Like I'm still glad you're marrying Cher to save that information.
I just think he has a quality that like, I mean, like thank God he decided to do the movie because I don't know who else could have done the movie. Like it obviously was working with him in mind. I don't know if they would have let the script die if he had said no. I don't know if they would have tried to find another actor to build it around, to justify it, but I don't know if one even exists. Yeah, I just maybe, sorry, I just thought too, have you ever seen matchstick men by any chance? No.
It's actually, that's top tier Nick Cage. It's actually really, really good. It's got Sam Rockwell who also is the best.
Oh, got a Tony nomination this morning. Oh, good job. I know that he's foremost fan, I wanted you to know that. I'm up there. I know, that's what I'm saying. You should know that he's got Tony. Now you can start pounding the pavement so he wins the Tony award.
There's a scene where he's on meds, some kind of meds, some kind of anti-psychotics or something. And he goes up and he's like, he's switching because he's like losing it. He goes up to the counter. He's like, I need a refill. And the guy behind him is like, hey, there's a line and he turns around.
He's like, God, what is it? It's, he's like, how would I take you? He's like, how would I take you outside?
And then I beat you until you piss blood. And it's just like the craziest line read.
And anyway, this movie just reminded me, I'm like, oh, I've seen a lot of his movies. And I never quite think about how weird he is and all of them, you just kind of buy it. Anyway, it's just, we don't have a lot of actors like that. We have actors that are really great for some reason or another, but usually it's to create some sort of believable persona. And he's like, it's Jim Carrey's a little bit like that where he just like is in a movie and you're like, oh my God, it's, I don't know what's happening, but it doesn't feel like real life most of the time because he's wearing a mask or he's attacking Sonic or whatever. He tends to pick those movies, but Nick Cage is like in an action movie or romantic comedy or whatever. And he's still just nuts. Yes, Michael Dieter's Matchstick Man is amazing.
It's got a, it's got a really good twist. It's, it's great. It's all- Don't tell me it's a twist.
He's a con man, right? It's like him and Sam Rockwall are con men and they do cons.
It's great. Is this con, we're talking about Con Air. I'm just kidding. Yes. That's, it's the sequel. Oh yeah, cool. Yeah.
He's just like, he's just, he's just- This movie helped me appreciate that, I guess is my point. Cause they lean into that little Nikki keep showing up to be like, hey man, it's a little bit like Birdman in that way too. Where he's like, his alter ego is like, come on man, we're a god. Kind of, yeah. Birdman is also my favorite. I love Birdman, but I love that they kept saying like, we're back, not that we ever left. Like that was like a very fun through line for the whole movie. I did like that he was talking to Nikki who's like his like brash younger self who's just kind of his ego essentially.
One of the tidbit things that I looked up it said a sequence involving Nicholas Cage reprising some of his most iconic roles like face off Conair leaving Las Vegas and gone in 60 seconds was featured in a long black and white fight sequence between him and his younger self and a surrealist German expressionist set evoking the cabinet of Dr. Caligari which was cut from the film as the studio thought it didn't fit the third act. According to Cage, his deleted scene will be released on home media.
I am very excited to see it. That is exciting.
I mean, you can tell where it's supposed to be. Remember how like there was like a moment where he like went into like, it was like black at his mind. And then like, he was just like, it was just him and Nikki and he like did feel like something bigger was gonna happen but it didn't. Like I was like, oh, that's where that would have been. I kind of wish it was there. Well, and that's the thing, right?
Is if they had leaned into more of those sort of weird asides and less of the CIA plotting, I think I don't think anybody would have missed it. Yeah, no one's gonna leave this movie and be like the CIA stuff was airtight. Yeah, I think I do think that's weird when you think about a movie like this that is sort of built on a meme, right? That Nick Cage is kind of meme-able and people talk about Nick Cage cause this isn't he wacky. It is interesting to hold back some of that weirdness that somebody's gonna go to Twitter. Like you're seeing this with Dr. Strange. Now people are like, wow, that was all Sam Raimi. Sam Raimi is a wacky, a wacky boy. Nobody, like to your point, nobody's going to Twitter and being like, oh my God, there's this CIA plot.
And I was like so invested in Spain. Exactly, it is totally secondary to getting more Nick Cage funniness on screen, 100%. So yes, I agree. That's like something I like wish had stayed in just cause like, yeah, the Cageheads are gonna love it. It's for the Cageheads.
Although to be fair to everyone, it's not making very much money. Looks like it might not make back its budget. And unless it like blows up on home video or something. So there were mistakes made somewhere.
Somebody was, some of the analysts believe that it's according the same audience as the Northman, which is, I mean, like, I guess it's like in the men. I mean, I couldn't, I could not see this being at all the same audience. I think demographically, but like in terms of tone or appeal or anything, I think in a way they should almost lean into it more and do like the room style nights where you come dressed up as your favorite Nick Cage character and get it more into the hands of like the cult audience. Yeah, like I know Alamo Drafthouse has done like Nick Cage festivals or whatever, where they show like five Nick Cage movies at once. And like, you could always end with this movie because it's the celebration of all the other movies. Like it could be that kind of thing.
Did you feel a little excited when they were like, is that the chainsaw from Mandy? And I was like, I just saw him. I know him.
And they didn't mention the huge ax from Mandy. There's a lot of Mandy stuff in that room.
I don't think Pedro Pascal could get the ax. I'm so sorry, I don't think he could get it.
I think it was funny. It wasn't a fail. No, it's in the movie. It was there? That's what I'm saying. Well then this movie sucked, I'm just kidding. Okay, great.
Do you have any other things that you wanted to hit? Any other points that you had? I mean, like something that I've been thinking about, I tried to read a couple little reviews and things. I only saw this last night, so I'm still sort of like processing my feelings.
I do think it has like some fun things to say about Hollywood in that like a lot of times when movies are about somebody who's like down and out in Hollywood, it usually is because of their like behavior. Do you know what I mean? Like a lot of times it's like, you're just not hip enough, kid. Or it's like, you acted badly on set because you have a big ego and you need to be taken down a peg. Do you know what I mean? And I did like that this movie was literally just like, no, nothing's like, there's a lot wrong in Nick Cage's personal life. And probably if he figured that out, his professional life would be better. I like that message. But also that they were like, hey, dude, you're not like a bad actor or anything. People just like don't want you right now. And that he was like, that's not fair, I'm good. I have like a lot of talent and my talent is acting and all I want to be is doing the thing I'm good at. And they were just sort of like, yeah, but you've done seven movies. So we're sort of oversaturated on the Nick Cage thing where we can't have you right now. I just like, I liked that because it sort of took away some of that thing of like, oh boo-hoo, isn't it so hard to be rich and famous? Do you know what I mean? Which I think is like, I do understand when people's criticism of a movie about like a movie star who came to set drunk and he blew it. They're like, I didn't like him from the beginning because like, if I was rich, I'd be better.
I'd be like, I get that. I probably would be too. I probably would be a lot better about all that stuff.
I like that he's like not like a, he's not like a bad guy. He's just not wanted right now. And he's like mad and he's having a crisis because he wants to do the thing he was born to do. Right.
You know, it is interesting. I know I already mentioned Birdman. The more that you talk about it from that perspective, it does kind of feel like Birdman, but Birdman escapes all the action. Like it just knows that it is a weird indie movie and it's just like, it's about to play, but it's that same thing. It's a struggling with what art matters, what is a good story, all that kind of stuff.
And then now that we're older, these actors, now that they're older, where do they fit in that ecosystem? Are they still valuable, stuff like that? Right. It's just that Michael Keaton chooses to do a play and Nick Cage goes to some dude's house for a birthday party at like maybe a sex thing. But yeah, anyway.
Yeah, no, I think- Also this was really fun, whatever this is. Yeah, I didn't know what that was. Me neither. I was like, is that a reference? But like, I don't think it is.
I think it was just Nick Cage just being himself. Pedro Pascal is just like going along with it. Yeah, going along with it. All that stuff, when this movie is funny, it's so fucking funny. It really is. I loved him being on the boat and being so self-absorbed that he is on the boat with the guy who has invited him, but he's talking to his agent.
And then when he gets off, he's like, hey, this better not be a sex thing. I don't wanna fuck this guy. I don't wanna fuck this guy's wife. I don't want him to watch me fucking his wife. I don't want him to watch me fucking him more as a wife.
And he's like, oh, that stuff was great. I just wanted more of it.
Yeah. Yep. Cool, let's throw this to audience questions. Yeah. See where we get, if anything's good. Starred, somebody says the title should be Dickless Rage. Okay, interesting. Did they say that in the movie? I don't remember. I don't know. Oh, Nicholas Cage, Dickless Rage. Yeah. I got it now.
Is it Captain Wayne Baconator Agerton asks, is it the ghost writer in his head? And no, we actually talked about this before we started filming, but it's, there's an interview that he did before while, or promoting Wild at Heart, the Dave Blinch movie. And he looks like that and he's kind of douchey and cocky. And so it's that character. It's him in 1990 giving an interview. It's not a movie character per se, it's that guy. He also was like kind of costumed like vampires kiss, which was also around the same time. I think it's just supposed to sort of be like evoking a lot of his younger persona, even if it's not like one specific role.
Yeah. Keith Thornley says, if you read this, and if you read the plot in a newspaper, you would probably think, yeah, this is probably true. This probably happened. It's a mockumentary about himself. Somebody else said that to you. Oh, I'm skipping through things that I clicked. Somebody was just saying about Pascal, sock66.
Kate, the way, nevermind, I'm gonna skip that. Kate has to be the straight man.
Are we talking about sex? Are we talking about how sexy he is? Yeah, no. Not why you're speaking, because you're afraid. What did you guys think of Neil Patrick Harrison that says Michael Dieter?
He's also kind of known for playing himself all along the world in Markham. Yeah, he has sort of weirdly made a niche out of playing himself, but not at all like himself. Like he's made a niche of playing himself, but as like a rich asshole.
I thought he was going to be Neil Patrick. I thought it was just gonna be his friend. Yeah, I thought it was his friend Neil Patrick Harris, and instead it was his agent with a very Jewish last name.
Well. A very Jewish name, just in general. I was like, okay, interesting.
It is weird to cast, the problem with any movie where somebody is playing themselves is, if you get any other super recognizable actor, you immediately just assume that they're themselves as well. That they're themselves. As far as I can tell, literally no one else in this world was real, right? Yeah, Ike Barrenhouse wasn't Ike Barrenholds, except for Demi Moore. At one point they were like, hey, how'd you get Demi Moore for the movie? She was like the only other like actress like name dropped in the movie.
Yeah, yeah, those are the only two people that exist. Yeah, they're the only actors in the world.
They book a lot of work. I kind of wanted the agent to be somebody more like a Richard Kind type character. I don't know why. That's just like who I was picturing. Right, sure. I mean, I feel like he's probably played somebody's kind of skeezy agent, or like down on there. He does it on the other two. Have you ever watched the other two? I have, I've seen. He's like Carrie's agent, who's like also an Uber driver and also a working at like a show. Right, right, right. That's like who I'm picturing more. I don't know.
All right, Michael Dieters again says, I feel like this movie only worked because each half the action and the comedy leaned on each other. Cause it's not quite funny enough for a comedy. It's not quite enough plot for action, but together not bad. I actually think the comedy was good enough that I wish there was more of it. Yes, I think if the movie had, I really agree with the sentiment of this critique. I just think that like the comedy worked 80% of the time and the drama worked 20% of the time.
So it's like, I think it's so right that it's like they don't, neither works without the other, but it's like one's really doing the heavy lifting as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, for sure.
Sir Alexander Watson Tucker said, does anyone else feel like Nikki could have been utilized better? Like it seems like a huge missed opportunity. I wanna see him go full Nikki. Um, I don't know. I just wanted more, like we were saying that thing that was cut, that like was more like he's haunted by the cage of Nicholas past. I do think that would have been cool. It could have been interesting if he did more explicit, like taking on things that he'd learned. Like he goes full national treasure on somebody, like uses the Mandy acts and stuff like that. Yeah. Could have been interesting, but I don't know. That's now my title for a movie, the cage of Nicholas past.
Ooh. All right, yeah. Write that down.
Um, yeah, Matt, David Williamson says, yeah, Matt Murdock blind lawyer doesn't have the same appeal. Similarly, Michael Deere says, Punisher was the same way. Everyone quit killing the Punisher.
Yeah. Stop. Hey, the Punisher stop punishing. Yeah. It's like, I don't like what you're doing the Punisher. Do something else. Yeah. It's like, you need to have reasons that he wants to stop punishing that exists besides his mom. And he'll never stop punishing. Yeah. His mom being like, hey, you know, it's like morally not great to kill people. And he's like, I know, but that's my name. Rather than just constantly. Yeah.
Daredevil's like, you're just, you're so injured. You've been punched so many times.
Stop. That's kind of part of a sexy little code. You can't ask somebody to change their code that makes them who they are. I know.
But it's also like the stakes are never that high. He's not a dad. He's just like going to die someday because he gets punched so hard. And it's like, You don't care about his life because he's not a dad.
Eh. It's not, is it not merely enough that he's a sexy little man walking this earth? That's fine. But it's just the stakes are, I don't know. It doesn't matter. I don't know.
He's got like his interpersonal relationships. His friends are his two friends. He has two friends and he really loves them a lot.
Okay. Michael Dieter's again, Nick Cage's skill is getting into movies where there are believable reasons he should be acting as crazy as he is. That's true. He does tend to like even in Moonstruck, they're like, ah, and your hands gone. Yeah. And it's made you crazy. Yeah.
It's like, it's a romantic comedy. It's funny almost to imagine that being written in later. He's like, I gotta be a little, I'm going to go pretty nuts.
So you got to give me a reason. Is there a reason?
It's like, oh, what if you lost your hand in a daily slicing? Yeah. Who knows what that does to you? So you can do anything you want.
John Evans says as a insanely famous superstar that I am and being as popular and rich as I am and as many movies as I am, it's actually not that hard to be cool. Good to know. Steve, and that's why I'm saying that is when the premise of a movie is I'm just so famous, I had to act badly because I'm trapped. I think people just, especially at this moment in time are like, oh, that really sucks for you. And I did sort of like that this movie didn't engage with like Nick Cage as an asshole on set.
He's a big piece of shit to everybody he meets because he's so famous. He definitely has like asshole-ish behavior, which is like immediately called out and like highlighted as being kind of asshole-y, but he's not like, he's not an asshole because he's famous. He's an asshole because he's conceited, I guess.
Well, he also just like really, yeah, he also just like really cares about movies and stuff. And he's having a hard time finding other people that care about what he cares about, which is all that he cares about.
And that's part of the thing. Cool. Let's see, anything else? Can I punish your business, daddy? I don't know what that is. That's a question for Jordan.
For paying me less than I deserve. Oh, it's a kind thing. Thank you for being kind.
Oh, good, woo! We were close there. All right, yeah, yeah. Let's do some alternate titles. Yeah. Allie, do you have anything for us?
I mean, I said Cage of Nicholas passed by mistake, but I really am into it. There's of course in Jesse's honor. Nick Cage and Javi's infinite playlist. So we could just hop to this. Michael Dieter said, because Jesse is out, we've got Nick and Javi's unbearable playlist.
Oh, that's even better. That's great.
For Novo Shamanic or, I don't know how you pronounce that. Yeah, he kept saying like Novo Shamanic. Shamanic.
Yeah, that's his acting style. He said that in his interviews. That's why they're saying it. So that exclamation point at the disco, maybe it should be at the Spain.
At the Mallorca. At the cliffside.
Oh my gosh, oh yeah. I don't know how to spell that, but Shamanic at the cliffside. I mean like. What else you got?
It is like, sorry, this isn't a title, I apologize. But like it is fun when you hear about somebody talk about a weird acting process that isn't just inherently being an asshole. Because like everyone's like right now, the whole discussion is about like, I'm method. I'm method acting. So I need to be horrible to you because my character is horrible. And it's like, oh, that sounds like you're a bad coworker. I can't imagine that that's useful for anybody. So when you do hear about somebody else with like a weird process, that is like weird on their own terms, but not necessarily like harmful.
It is like cool. Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry about Nick Cage's whole thing. Kristen Dunst recently talked about how she does a lot of like dream work when she's like still in early stages of working on a character, where she will like sort of like meditate and like do a lot of work where she's getting into like sort of like a meditative state and then like allow herself to go to sleep and sort of like dream as the character or like let images come to her. And then like, she'll like sort of like try to extrapolate what she learned from dreaming.
And she, the reason that she says she likes it is because she, when she's like using her conscious mind, it's very easy to judge it as being like stupid or like, oh, that was dumb. That was such a dumb thought. But like if it comes to you in a dream or if it comes to you sort of like subconsciously, like how can you be like, you're stupid subconscious. Like you have to just sort of accept it as whether or not you wanna use it or like however you choose to parse it. It's harder to like just initially just judge it and say like, I don't like this. I've decided it's dumb. I've decided I'm gonna shut that out.
And so she'll like, you know, in a dream see the way her character walks and she'll be like, oh, I'm gonna try that. I'm gonna see, I'm gonna like adopt that pace and like see what it feels like to like walk as the character this way or she'll see them she'll see them in a blanket and then go to the props department and be like, I'd love to like have a shawl or something that this character can have because I feel like she wants to close off.
You know what I mean? Stuff like that. Yeah, it's very interesting.
Yeah, like Jared Leto, he poops weird because his character's sick. Yeah, he poops weird and has to send it to his cast mates because his character says no. Similar things.
Jesse Eisman says, brainstorm exclamation point at the compound. I mean, they did do a lot of brainstorming. You're fired, Jesse. Bren Kelly says the unbearable weight of massive debt.
I know, is good. But I want, I like, I have just criticized this movie so much but like I am rooting for it because like anytime something gets made, it is weird. I'm like, I just want it to succeed terribly because like I just want us to be able to make more weird stuff. Oh, 100%. I would love to see more weird stuff. So like I embraced this movie and I hope it finds like a cult audience and I don't know, makes money.
Runs every year. 100%.
Any other, anything else? Title wise from you? From me? From the ultimate loser at coming up with titles?
No. Okay. I had, not that you went anywhere. It made me want to be a better man. Yeah. This is the way that I felt about him and his daughter. And whoo, Cage. Whatever Nikki keeps yelling. Yeah. Is for good. Whoa, Cage.
Really enjoyed that. Very insane. Yeah, me too. Very delightful.
We're getting again some naked HD in here. I'll go later. Yeah, like guys, I'm in the middle of a stream. Yeah. They need to learn how to time and better when they want to see it. I know every time they post that you see like 50 users just immediately drop off because they're going to. They don't have to go. Yeah. Good grief. Naked HD.
I love those ads that are like, this game is so insane. You will never believe what you see in this game. Because I've never clicked the link because I assume they're not real and they're all just like spam that are going to get your computer to be dead. But like, I would love to know what what would be a game, a born game on your computer that would blow your mind.
That was really good. Thanks.
I'm trying to click it. I've blocked them, Jose, 4000 times.
Yeah, they keep changing. They're like, it's like you'll see the titles are slightly different. It's also it's like to go jerk off. They strip without clothing. It's amazing. It's like, what are they starting in?
All right. One final question from the Francis canator.
They are so hard is what is their favorite Nick Cage performance ever? What is his best performance ever? I think there's a strong case that raising Arizona is his best performance ever.
Yeah, I think there's a really strong case for that. I don't know if it's my favorite. I have to think about what my favorite is, but I really think that that's up there. Yeah, I think that's up there.
I think I haven't seen Pig. So I don't know that either.
That's one that everybody says is one of his best ever. It's funny because the most memorable one for me is Family Man of all the movies in the world that Nick Cage has been in. Have you seen The Family Man? Yes, I have. I've seen that movie like 15 times. It's just one of those movies that we watched as a kid every Christmas.
And so that's like, that's Nick Cage to me. Yeah. But my favorite is Match Dickman because I just love that movie. I think it's crazy. I mean, like face off might be like my favorite just cause like it is so very. Oh, that's true. So very Nick Cage. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like how can you get more Nick Cage than that? And that's a movie that is leaning into the craziness, the comedy of it and the freaking fight scenes are sweet. Yeah. It's pretty cool. I also, I liked that this movie kept, that this movie kept being like, he was great in the Croods and the other guy being like, why would I know the Croods? Like I'm 40. Like that's not my point of reference. However, I do think Nick Cage is really good in Spider-Man and the Spider-Verse. I think he does a really good performance. I'm sure.
I don't really remember it. You don't?
He was like the noir. I know who he was. He was noir, but I just.
Yeah. He was great. He's like, as always, just really very good. Yeah. He is good in pretty much everything. Great.
I think that's pretty much it. So let me do this real quick. So we're live streaming every Monday at 1 p.m. Eastern.
And next week is Mystery Men. If you haven't seen that, the 90s not quite classic because nobody saw it except me as a kid somehow. And probably Jesse. Definitely Jesse. There's no way Jesse didn't have a weird bowling ball because he saw Mystery Men.
There's no way. I don't think he's even here to defend himself. So I'm absolutely just going to just rip into this young man.
I mean, Jesse was probably like 33 by the time it came out, but yeah. So where can we find you, Allie? Oh, you're talking to me. Yeah, there's no Jesse here.
I'm on Twitter at Ms. Alice Nutting, M-S-A-L-I-C-E-N-U-T-T-I-N-G. I am alive. Oh. Thank you. It's been hard. And so I was just proud, proud, a little accomplishment and performing sometimes in New York City when the world isn't shutting down. So if you're interested in that, you can follow me on Twitter. I'll post about whenever those things happen to be. Excellent. I am on Twitter at the underscore J underscore breeding.
I also do, you know, cracks video content. So like watch it, please. By the way, Allie is in our gender swap show. Oh yeah, that's something to plug. Yeah, it's- We got two episodes up.
They're very different from each other, which I think is fun. They're very spicy.
Some people get what we're trying to do, some don't and they're very upset by it, but they seem to understand the second one a lot better than the first one. So we're getting- Yeah. Well, I feel like you can't do something about Star Wars and not assume that somebody won't watch it and then just based on the title, be like, I disagree. That's just how it be. You know what I'm saying?
They're kind, they say it. They're loving people. Very much so. People are loving. People on the internet are more polite and more kind because they know that tone is sort of unparsable. So they go out of their way to make sure that what they're gonna say is like understandable on a lot of levels, fair, you know, spell checked, all those things. Yeah, yeah, I love my job.
Okay, so please subscribe to Cracked Movie Club on YouTube and Apple Podcasts and Spotify because we also do an audio, we release this as an audio version a week from today or wherever you get your podcasts. And remember that we also exist as a newsletter for now. So sign up. You better hurry up and read it based on Jordan's tone. Yeah, slash Movie Club. I don't know if it's gonna live forever. I'm not actually in charge of it, but the guy who is might not, just sign up for it, it's great. Yeah. And if not, you know, come see us on Monday next week.
Yeah, we'll talk about mystery then. And we'll talk about Jesse's childhood. Certainly, almost certainly. Versus my childhood.
I can remember watching this movie at a friend's house. I watched it with my whole family like 10 times. Wow.
All right, that's it. No, Jonathan Litt, I can't see you. Goodbye, everyone. Sorry, Jonathan. You're welcome. One last. You're back, you're back. Just for the fans. All right, bye.
But that's up there. Yeah, I think that's up there.
I think, I haven't seen Pig. So I don't know. I haven't seen Pig either.
That's one that everybody says is one of his best ever. It's funny because the most memorable one for me is Family Man of all the movies in the world that Nick Cage has been in. Have you seen The Family Man? Yes, I have. I've seen that movie like 15 times. It's just one of those movies that we watched as a kid every Christmas.
And so that's like, that's Nick Cage to me. Yeah. But my favorite is Magic Man because I just love that movie. I think it's crazy. I mean, like face off might be like my favorite just cause like it is so very. Oh, that's true. So very Nick Cage. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like how can you get more Nick Cage than that? And that's a movie that is leaning into the craziness, the comedy of it. And the frickin' fight scenes are sweet. Yeah. It's pretty cool. I also, I liked that this movie kept, that this movie kept being like, he was great in The Croods and the other guy being like, why would I know The Croods? Like I'm 40. Like that's not my point of reference. However, I do think Nick Cage is really good in Spider-Man and the Spider-Verse. I think he does a really good performance. I'm sure.
I don't really remember it. You don't?
He was the noir. I know who he was. He was noir, but I just.
Yeah. He was great. He's like, as always, just really very good. Yeah. He is good in pretty much everything. Great.
I think that's pretty much it. So let me do this real quick. So we're live streaming every Monday at 1 p.m. Eastern.
And next week is Mystery Men. If you haven't seen that. The 90s, not quite classic cause nobody saw it except me as a kid somehow.
And probably Jesse. Definitely Jesse. There's no way Jesse didn't have a weird bowling ball because he saw Mystery Men.
There's no way. I don't think he's even here to defend himself. So I'm absolutely just gonna just rip into this young man.
Jesse was probably like 33 by the time it came out, but yeah. So where can we find you, Allie? Oh, you're talking to me. Yeah, there's no Jesse here.
I'm on Twitter at Ms. Alice Lutting, M-S-A-L-I-C-E-N-U-T-T-I-N-G. I am alive. Oh. Thank you. It's been hard. And so I was just proud a little accomplishment and performing sometimes in New York City when the world isn't shutting down. So if you're interested in that, you can follow me on Twitter. I'll post about whenever those things happen to be. Excellent. I am on Twitter at the underscore J underscore breeding.
I also do, you know, crack video content. So like watch it, please. By the way, Allie is in our gender swap show. Oh yeah, that's something to plug. Yeah, it's- We got two episodes up.
They're very different from each other, which I think is fun. They're very spicy.
Some people get what we're trying to do. Some don't, and they're very upset by it, but they seem to understand the second one a lot better than the first one. So we're getting there.
Yeah. Well, I feel like you can't do something about Star Wars and not assume that somebody won't watch it. And then just based on the title, be like, I disagree. That's just how it be. You know what I'm saying?
And that's how kind they say it. They're loving people. Very much so. People are loving. People on the internet are more polite and more kind because they know that tone is sort of unparsable. So they go out of their way to make sure that what they're going to say is understandable on a lot of levels, fair, spell checked, all those things. Yeah, yeah, I love my job.
Okay, so please subscribe to Crack Movie Club on YouTube and Apple Podcasts and Spotify because we also do an audio. We release this as an audio version a week from today or wherever you get your podcasts. And remember that we also exist as a newsletter for now. So sign up. You better hurry up and read it based on Jordan's tone.
Yeah, slash Movie Club. I don't know if it's going to live forever. I'm not actually in charge of it, but the guy who is might not just sign up for it. It's great. Yeah.
And if not, you know, come see us on Monday next week. Yeah, well, we'll talk about mystery men. And we'll talk about Jesse's childhood. Certainly, almost certainly.
Versus my childhood. I can remember watching this movie at a friend's house, so. I watched it with my whole family like 10 times. Wow.
All right, that's it. No, Jonathan Litt, I can't see you. Goodbye, everyone. Oh, sorry, Jonathan. You're welcome. One last. You're back, we're back. Just for the fans. You're back. All right, bye. |
cracked | 6_psas_way_more_f_ed_up_than_any_drug_addict_does_not_compute | Specifically, the insidious threat posed by terrifying PSAs. PSAs that warn us of everything from to or even...
Wait, what? Who doesn't like women? The homosexuals.
You know, we're doing this anti-PSA-PSA just in time. I mean, that video came out in 1967, but you know, now is when my parole officer mandated I do a PSA, so... Yeah. Cheated on my taxes for nine years just in time. I'm a f***in' hero. Six PSAs more f***ed up than their subjects.
His roommates know. Whoa! You creepin' bruh? I mean, obviously your roommate's an idiot to leave the door open while he's waging World War Spoo, but you also don't just slink in and stand there. Anyway, sure, wankin' it. I guess that can be as scary as being in a war. If you're doin' it right. Still, this PSA has some metaphorical merit. Being a soldier and being a guy masturbating online both involve witnessing unthinkable acts, the waste of millions of potential lives, and an empty feeling afterwards. I hear. Also, the strategies are clever. Really? Not that clever.
Number five, A Greenpeace Christmas. Dear children, I bring bad tidings for some time now, melting ice here. The North Pole has made our operations intolerable and impossible. I knew it! I always suspected global warming was somehow the children's fault. Needless to say, these individuals are now at the top of my naughty list. You selfish brats. Look what you made Greenpeace make Santa do. And there may be no alternative but to cancel Christmas. Like an Aphex Twin video starring the jolly spirit of Christmas cheer. You know, I think Greenpeace might be trying to replace the Arctic ice shelf with children's tears.
Bruce Willis, attack! Yeah, well, G-Piece? What do you have to say to that?
Get away!
I guess you thought the best way to address people living with this totally treatable illness was to compare it to a smoke condom that punches your heart to death. If only she'd had some crackers.
Number three, Vote and or Die. If you still don't see the danger of hyperbolic PSA scaring you into being good, then you clearly haven't met Vote Man. Also, if you have your head on... In case you don't speak Europe, that guy was saying that he might not vote, and then the state-mandated pro-voting mascot decapitated him barehanded. When Vote Man's not busy beating his five girlfriends, he's abusing dolphins, murdering entwined lovers who may well have been planning to vote, and just generally spending government funds to terrify you into doing your civic duty.
Okay, kids? Get it?
Be like Vote Man. Model your lives on Vote Man.
Number two, Real Car Beats Toy Car. Hey, it's those selfish kids that made Santa Cancel Christmas. And I'll bet that toy car isn't even a hybrid.
And they indified Guns N' Roses. I hope they all get crushed in a sudden and gruesome... Oh. Well, good then. I trust that will teach everyone not to use voodoo to commit suicide slash mass murder by car. Anyway, it's speeding. This nightmare was broadcast to horrify you into not speeding. And I guess this is the kind of shocking display you need to get people's attention in a world where parents can watch their kids get rolled over and barely register it. Wow. Can't imagine we're gonna top the sheer nonsense factor of that one, honestly. You'd need, like, the most respectable people in the world doing the stupidest s*** possible. I'm listening. Number one, You Come at the King. You best use adequate birth control.
Okay, I'm not super sure what this even is. Cast of the wires, so let's see a little more. How does this only have 12,000 views?
The entire world should already be bored of watching Freeman mood dance in front of a tit painting. That's it.
I can't. I got a... Avon. They wouldn't f***. They wouldn't f***ing string. Oh, God.
I'm gonna be riding the f***ing boat. I'm gonna ride the boat.
Sorry about that. It's just hard to understand how this can happen. You know, everyone means well, trying their best, but it all goes so horribly awry somehow. All right, that's six. We survived a very special episode. And I hope you better understand the danger of PSAs, as well as the dangers of letting vote man speed in your gas guzzler while the ghost of diabetes jerks off in the passenger seat without a condom. Or something.
Anyway, my public service responsibility is hereby fulfilled. I don't have to do a closer. The judge was very clear about that. No closer. Just end it. I'm done.
Also, watch the wire. Oh, and alcohol is great. Two, you never see anyone making PSAs about that. What? Okay. I'm being told it's actually one of the least healthy drinks for humans and you should never give it to children.
That explains a lot, actually. It's all falling into place now. Sheeeeet balls. Like if you didn't know that that was a possibility. And in the comments, if you could list maybe your 10 favorite videos from Cracked and we'll make a playlist for you. I'm sorry, that's okay. |
TheOnion | Should_The_Browns_Use_The_First_Overall_Pick_On_A_Once_In_A_Generation_Long_Snapper | Okay strap on those sweat bands because we're about to work up a you-know-what. With the NFL draft upon us everyone is asking what the Cleveland Browns are gonna do with their much anticipated first overall pick. My take?
The best thing the Browns can do in this spot is draft themselves a once in a generation long snapper. Look, they need to shore up their special teams and this kid Andrew Robinson from Michigan is the real deal. I mean have you seen him snap the ball? This would take the Browns punting game to a whole new level. You got to keep in mind this is a team that was 0-16 last year and if you ask me that's due in large part to abysmal long snapping. Some of the worst in the league. If you're the Browns right now you got to give your fans hope. This kid could come in day one and get the job done. He's got great field presence and he can really snap that thing. Now think of their jersey sales alone. This is not somebody you want to let fall to the Giants or the Jets and listen I know this is a great long snapping class top to bottom but the Browns do not want to miss out on this type of talent. I mean I've never seen anyone who could deliver the ball between his legs to the punter so accurately.
You can't go wrong. Now we've heard some rumors that they might try and take a QB or a running back but how well has that worked out for the Browns in the past? Come on. When you have the luxury of the first pick you gotta go for the sure thing and take the long snapper or yes you could trade that first round pick for an established star long snapper it would work but I don't see them doing it trust me.
As Robin said kid he's got everything they need to finally turn this franchise around. Alright coming up with Ichiro back with the Mariners is it time for me to get back together with my ex-wife.
She says no I want to hear what you think. We're taking call. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_138_Bernard_Fanning | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show recording down here in Budgie Smuggler Studios downtown Batooter in the old city district and today we're joined by a friend of the show I guess you'd call him you know a bloke that we we keep in touch with over the years and have done since we were all part of the Brisbane push down there on on Vulture Street we were all young aspiring journos and he was a young aspiring muser. Bernard Fanning thank you for joining us today. G'day fellas, how are ya? Very good.
I was a I was a young aspiring journo once as well. Really? Yeah I went to university and did journalism. Okay what was your dream? I was enrolled. He was a couple years under me. Alright okay. What were your dreams there, what were you thinking, were you thinking I'm going to be part of Four Triple Z's street team or were you more? No I think I would I wanted Crash Craddick's job at the Courier-Mail right being the cricket writer yep that was part of the idea I mean I think I also had ideas that journalism was something quite different to what it actually is yeah that you that you'd just write really long stories that are really interesting all the time and get paid a lot. Yeah it's just we you know you end up making a career out of it like we have and you come to learn it's just alcoholism and eavesdropping mate that's yeah I had the booze part covered but um but yeah the rest of it not so much. We started obviously at the very start of your career there what was the people don't know what the Brisbane music scene looked like you know everyone has a good idea of what they reckon the Whitlam's were doing down there in Newtown or what was happening down in in Melbourne but you know what was happening were you guys sitting on the veranda at the Regatta Hotel just strumming guitars how did it how did it all take place in Brisbane? Well I joined Powderfinger after it was already up and running so JC and Bish and Hoggy were the original three guys that went to school together and then I went to when I was studying at UQ I met Hoggy and he asked me to come and have a jam so they were already I mean they were playing at parties and that kind of stuff so there was there was nothing going on in terms of the scene at that point I don't think but I think the The main thing about the Brisbane scene was that there were because it was pretty separate to what was going on in Sydney and Melbourne and because it was a lot smaller there was the opportunity for lots of different types of bands to play together there was a place called Metropolis which was under the Myers Centre that had a thing on Friday Afternoons called Rock Against Work which was because you know this is the early 90s so there were a lot of people on the dole yeah at that point as well because unemployment was very high Paul Keating's surf team yeah that's right you bet that kind of became a bit of a centre for the scene there was also a building in the valley which was the old target building in Fortitude Valley where a lot of the bands had rehearsal rooms so us and Brasilia and Screamfeeder and Pangaea and Brasilia and Pangaea kind of became regurgitator eventually members of each of those bands so custard all sorts of bands you know that were that were in there all in one place because it was the cheapest place to rent and it was full on dive it was you know there were plenty of junkies around stuff as well it was squat yeah I guess but this I think it was that idea that you know it wasn't long after the Joe era was over as well and prior to that all the bands most of the bands had left yeah going to Sydney or gone to London gone wherever and I guess our generation of bands were the first ones to say fuck it let's stay here and why would we go and live in some rising damp disaster area in Newtown when we can live in you know glory in a Queensland or in in in Dripily yeah yeah so was there like a tipping point where you decided that you know perhaps you'd made the right decision in staying in Brisbane and making music as opposed to you know to taking a job at the Courier-Mail and having to write about grade cricket you know from from everywhere from down to Logan up to Redcliffe you know Wynnum yeah one of the great clubs it is it took a while for that realization to come to pass because I joined the band in 1989 and we started getting paid in 1996 so you know we were working other jobs and yeah and I mean all the other bands around with the same yeah as us but we also I think Arson Custard and Screenfeeder in particular and Pangaea really committed to touring so we just we just worked our asses off doing whatever we could to make money to buy an Econovan and then be able to drive to Sydney and Melbourne and then eventually to Adelaide as well and we did that kind of every six weeks yeah a couple of weekends yeah come back to Brisbane and Sydney it would be Newcastle Thursday Sydney you know North Sydney Friday South Sydney Saturday Wollongong Sunday yeah that kind of weekend and correspondingly in in Victoria as well and Brizzy it was Sunshine Coast Gold Coast and Brisbane maybe Toowoomba yeah I think that we were really committed to it we were pretty young we were only in our early 20s so you're a lot more tolerant of being dirt poor and you know it's hard to complain about being being in a band yeah and getting around with your mates and having some beers and talking to birds yeah yeah yeah kind of a lifestyle really well I mean we made a lot of friends that was a really big part of it too we we made friends with people and then they would come back and bring friends with them and that's that's how a band grew in those days is this is prior to Triple J obviously being national yeah well it's interesting that you mentioned that you know the band was driving around in an Econoline kind of van yeah that you said there there was I think the same sort of van is mentioned in a Neil Young song called tonight's the night yeah and there's not a lot of people I don't think that would know that the name Powderfinger comes from a Neil Young song can you tell us the story about why you decided to you know name yourselves after quite an obscure Neil Young song or why they did before you joined yeah that's right yeah I mean I joined after it was already named you know I was familiar with the songs I was a Neil Young fan anyway yeah and I think they honestly the way that they decided was they were doing gigs at the regatta yeah JC and Bish were doing gigs at regatta and I think they graffitied it on the toilet stall and said yeah that looks pretty fucking good so no it wasn't it wasn't a big decision you know yeah no one still really knows exactly what the kind of meaning of that song is I don't think I don't think Neil Young's ever really explained it no you know I heard that he wrote the song for Lynyrd Skynyrd but you know didn't really get it there in time as in for them to play yeah yeah yeah right I mean that would make sense because it's definitely got the very southern kind of sentiment to it and he did go through that phase where he was you know really in the south as they said southern men don't need him around anyhow so that's right they did it was quite the riposte from Ronnie Vanzant that was the first beef that was before Tupac and Biggie that was yeah it was from Canada to Alabama now how did it feel coming up and you guys have obviously had a lot of commentary social commentary in your music people don't like being called political bands and and sometimes that can hijack a whole entire kind of discography to say that but you know you guys touched on things and you sang about things but the wave of music it was coming out of Brisbane with you guys as you said all those bands before the gurge and powder finger and and custard weren't nearly as hardcore as the guys that came before you because that was the Sergio era where yeah you know tropical goths basically yeah what was it like pineapples at the dawn of time yeah and and what was the other one I once killed a gopher with a stick yeah I mean those guys were actually and the Saints you know and those those kinds of bands are ups and downs they were they endured the special branch stuff that you know that Kev Carmody was talking to you guys about in your pod that you had with him I've I left school in 86 so my first year at university was 87 and that's when that's when Chris Masters blew open the whole the whole corruption story which everyone knew yeah it was just never never spoken about yeah we definitely had an easier time than than those guys did in terms of we weren't having gigs shut down and people being bashed for being there you were getting hit with phone books behind yeah exactly so and and that also explains why a lot of those bands left yeah because I think the atmosphere in Brisbane at that time was ultra conservative people were very reluctant to speak out about anything so yeah like there was a Nationals member in the heart of Brisbane wasn't there back in the yeah yeah oh really new farms swung to the nets like oh my god that kind of explains it doesn't it gerrymander with a capital gerry but um yeah look I think from from the beginning when I was writing songs I mean I had always loved Bob Dylan and Neil Young and the Beatles and they were all people that had you know strong political points of view but I think also their measure for whether a song actually made it onto a record was whether it was a good song or not not just not just the political content and that was that was always kind of our measure as well I think that you if you got if you got something to say it's got to be well communicated but it also has to be you know presented within a good a good tune yeah you want to hear it you want to hear it at a party too yeah that's right and I think one of the criticisms of powder finger I think was that sometimes it was too easy on the ear you know it wasn't there wasn't a radical enough agenda there or whatever and um it's probably fair criticism but I wasn't really I wasn't really interested in in that I I hadn't grown up as a punk and I wasn't gonna pretend to kind of be one you know I I really loved really melodic music and if you can deliver a message that has some weight to it but also that you can whistle yeah then all the better you know yeah the music industry I think probably aside from Australian music scene aside from maybe acting probably has the most bitching going on in it doesn't it as well like I've been you just meet some of these here you meet your heroes you meet a musician who you've loved your whole you know your whole life and then you ask them about another musician you've loved and they say the most horrible things about them that's it it's a really big part of it isn't it it's and it's a really disappointing part of it I guess it's the same in every industry but um but yeah I mean one of the things good things about being from Brisbane and one of the reasons that we kind of leaned further into being and staying in Brisbane was that we were removed from the bullshit that went on in Sydney and Melbourne and and we didn't like it yeah and we didn't we didn't associate ourselves with it you know we knew the people in Brisbane Hogie was Ian Hogue was he worked at the zoo yeah in in Brizzy and and so did Darren I think for the listeners that's the that's a live music venue in the valley the zoo yeah yeah yeah I don't think Brisbane has a Brisbane has a real zoo no it doesn't well Lone Pine mate come on um but but you know those guys were probably more heavily involved in the in the local scene than than I ever was I always enjoyed it but I never really was a huge participator in that I you know I like live music but it's pretty it's pretty noisy and there's a lot of people around so it's a lot like work it can be a bit of a pain in the ass and I also moved you know out of Brisbane in about 2000 as well I moved well it was still Brisbane but I moved out west out near Moggill kind of thing so it was a mission in those days to to kind of get in there and be part of the scene but yeah you're right about the bitching thing that that is an integral part of it and there's there's another interesting phenomenon which I've talked to a lot of other musicians about where you may actually really despise somebody's music and you meet them and they're just fucking great he's a fucking great guy and then and then their music gets better yeah yeah you know it's just how it is it's just how it is you're much more forgiving when you've got the kind of the personal connection I guess tell us which tour it was do you think where you just because was it was it a stark difference was it a was it an overnight difference between the did you go from the tour to you know touring around in the van to Toowoomba and the like to two planes I mean you ended up getting your own plane yeah but what they didn't you didn't go from van to plane what when was it that you noticed how things are different on the road as a member of powder finger okay just let me clear something up about that plane yeah this is probably very necessary it wasn't our plane it was a Jetstar plane and Jetstar might I add on our biggest tour we were flying on Jetstar but they were the reason that we were involved with those guys was that they were donating a ton of money to Yallari which was an organization that sponsored indigenous kids to come from far-flung places to get a private education in the city and board and all that sort of stuff so that was part of the whole tour idea yeah the plane plane idea wasn't it wasn't my idea was it communicated very well through the photo of you all standing in front of it it wasn't was it it was horribly communicated but uh like it happened like you'd have a look at that image and then you're like oh this could be like Elton John's plane that's got a you know like a piano up in business class exactly like all these all these lounges in it but yeah but it was yeah it was just your standard issue Jetstar with fucking 700 other punters that were on their connection to fucking Cuda back to the uh question about touring there was a song called pick you up which was on double allergic which is the record we put out in 1996 that kind of that went on to triple j and that got you paid went yeah then we started getting paid well we got off the nice scheme because we were on the nice scheme at that point which was for the listeners um that was the new enterprise something scheme industry scheme um where we were basically paid the doll the equivalent of the doll that we had to submit you know like our business plans to yeah to the department of social security and um justify our existence of being paid by the government to do it it was actually a great idea and it's an initiative that should be oh for the arts i mean especially in the conditions that the arts industry is in now it's i mean it's just fucking decimated so but yeah double allergic was when we went from probably we might have been when we first caught planes but the first plane over court was from adelaide to brisbane um we used to have a lottery because we couldn't afford for everyone to fly like we could afford for two to fly and the other six including crew would drive and then so that just went around on a short straw basis and and lonely drive the high plane to brisbane the high plane it's a good time out there isn't it yeah geez we knocked a few roos over on that trip those trips and uh so yeah probably around 96 is when things started to kind of pick up and we we actually started to you know be able to pay rent from yeah yeah from our job and then yeah and then it just became you know hookers cocaine private jets hell yeah you would have all been able to fly by the time internationalists came out and spent a week at number one yeah how much did your fortunes change after that because then it really seemed like things started to gas up for you yeah they did and i mean the i guess the thing with any kind of success in any industry you just get a lot busier yeah because there's more you're more in demand so we then started touring internationally as well so we would do probably two or three tours in australia on a record and then we'd probably do a couple of tours to the states and to europe as well or wherever we could we just toured as much as we possibly could so yeah i mean we were definitely you know financially better off we we always kind of were putting the spoils of anything that was happening in australia into being able to go and travel and tour overseas and do all that sort of stuff as well so we were very lucky we had an incredible run especially those years between kind of double allergic and and vulture street all those records were really well received and and we had a great time doing it as well i mean it wasn't all a great time that's we we generally had a great time and it's much easier to look back on now as as a great time but it was really hard work and we and we also um we were really determined to not be like the those kind of 80s rock excess bands yeah you know that that was totally not our thing which is sounds kind of boring now um but that was that was very much the the kind of spirit of the times too for most of the bands around you know the the our contemporaries were very much like that as well you were living excess by brisbane standards yeah yeah getting a taxi instead of a bus yeah heaps of pubs yeah yeah getting a taxi home after rick's closed instead of instead of getting the 85 the kenmore 85 yeah yeah so yeah we did have a really good run there but we worked really hard and we were always determined to just keep looking forward that was that was the thing we didn't we we didn't really know how to handle the sort of success again i guess you'd say of things like aria awards and stuff like that we it just it didn't we didn't know really what it meant i guess it actually meant a lot more to the people around us like our families and the people that we worked with like our management and record labels and those sorts of people it wasn't that we didn't give a shit we were appreciative of it but it didn't matter to us you know we we weren't really concerned with that sort of stuff we just wanted to keep getting better that was really what it was all about it was a kind of tangible thing you could carry it was something your dad could say to his mates when they're asking how you going to go they won an aria so yeah and you know that that stuff's great because you you can't underestimate the amount of support we got from our families as well and and our partners as well i mean our long-suffering girlfriends and and wives that's that's a big part of it that that you're away a lot you know touring you said you you know you kind of you know there was a point where you all started going overseas kind of reinvesting the money you were making into spreading the word where did you find uh the surprise fan basis we asked this to every guest where'd you find um you know you know some sticky fingers is it's chilly that's where they're yeah just come to chile yeah and and then you know i think silver chair had a lot of love in south america too yeah yeah that was one of our big regrets actually we never got a release in south america so we never went there which is a real shame we subsequently now have a have quite a few south american friends from fans from all over the place brazil and whatnot um but we did we actually did quite well in holland and germany and canada and i think that is probably largely due to the fact that a lot of dutchies were out here backpacking and whatnot and lots of travelers that took the music back to their own countries you know but we didn't we didn't actually end up in very obscure places by those standards it was mostly western europe the uk pre-internet too so you can't just get traveled upon yeah that's that's right that i mean that's it's a whole different scenario now the way that music's disseminated so yeah yeah do you think it's gotten better or or it's gotten worse like in terms of you know what young people experience now with the music industry like was it a bit more innocent and innocuous kind of back then where it was more or less more insular where now you've got you know your music's got a global audience from day dot if you want it to yeah that's right you can kind of make that charge every 20 years yeah it used to be more innocent and insular and whatnot there's i think it's definitely got better for punters no doubt about that there's i mean music's essentially free or it's what is it 10 bucks a month for the yeah yeah entire history of recorded music which is also we will probably look back on and just go how fucking absurd that is um you know that that idea that it's virtually free um so yeah for punters it's great i think for bands there's there is that thing where you can go direct to a global audience which is is a great thing but there's also the thing that's missing is the kind of tribal atmosphere yeah that that still existed when we were when we were starting and and through to probably the even the early 2000s i guess and then once playlisting and all the streaming stuff began then the way that people bought and consumed music was is completely different now and yeah you know i grew we grew up in the 70s and 80s so albums were were king and that's what we were determined to make to make albums where you had a collection of songs that kind of all went together whereas you know these days you'd be you'd be listening to cindy lauper and bon jovi on the same playlist whereas in in those days that would never have happened because you know you you had your denim jacket your denim vest with with the patch on it you if that if that was you you weren't listening to cindy lauper yeah and and your second favorite band was the band that just opened for your favorite band that's exactly right totally right but yeah there's there's a big change in identity isn't it in that in that regard i mean that's a massive rabbit hole as well because identity is a is a very loaded word these days um but localism you know you guys probably did find a good balance between that hyper hyper localized but also hyper isolated you know era of the saints and now and now it's kind of in between that and big sound you've got powder figure you know what i mean yeah yeah i guess and i mean i think i think you guys probably absolutely fucking nailed that with euphoric queensland memes the idea that we turned you into a martyr yeah yeah and it was genius it's so funny that stuff but just yeah i mean the the kind of idea of powder finger has become quite outsized by virtue of the fact that brisbane is a one paper town and that contributes really heavily to that that sort of idea doesn't it yeah you've got this uh new release coming we'll get to that in a second but it is worth mentioning you know you know the work you guys have done for brisbane's music scene there's there's a couple venues that a couple of the boys have gotten behind over the years that have you know given brisbane capacities that they kind of didn't really have at hand there's you know of course the triffid and our festival hall fortitude hall fortitude musical yeah fortitude music hall um was that always something that you'd all talk about i was i think it was always something jc yeah thought about he always had this idea of having a having a uh bar called base camp uh because you know he's bass player yeah um so that's about as witty as the beatles yeah that's right um and i think partly because it gives him access to his own bar as well that would have been a big part of it but yeah i mean we were we were very happy to kind of contribute to the idea of of brisbane being a place that you can be proud of you know that that's where you're from um and a place that you don't leave yeah that's right exactly because that really was the case from from the 60s on when once people had the opportunity to leave they just bailed yeah so unless they were settling into kind of brisbane suburban life which is also just as valid like most of our parents did but yeah i mean we we always wanted to try and support local bands and all that sort of stuff always trying to have people on the bills that we were playing that that gave them a leg up as well it was kind of a bit self-fulfilling really because you know when nirvana came out and then sound garden and pearl jam and all these bands came out of out of seattle that idea of a scene became a thing yeah that it hadn't necessarily been and so then custard regurgitated powder finger scream feeder whatever savage garden to a lesser extent all got lumped in together as a scene like we all hung out together and yeah you know shared girlfriends which yeah yeah which was not the case yeah so that was also that spirit of the times thing as well the zeitgeist thing as well that the media helps to fan that stuff newcastle gets a bit of that too don't they you know they're all good newy boys oh yeah they're from newy newy new screaming jets down to silver chair it's the brisbane of new south wales yeah just as punchy yeah exactly now i just quickly on your um on on this new release from powder finger it's the first edition of the bootlegs which i'm hoping there will be many more can you tell us how this came about because of course this came about um after your small reunion show yeah so where did this new material come from well we had been like just to rewind a bit we'd been getting together and we've been meeting during the the lockdown stuff on zoom um once a week actually we are the most overmet band in the history of music um it's incredibly anally managed by paul and and rach um in in the nicest possible way we'd been getting together because odyssey number five was having its 20th anniversary in september and we wanted to kind of do something for the release make a good a good bonus disc or whatever so we started about a year before that we started going through all of our stuff we got together and we hung out for a few days at my studio here in boron and we started to put stuff together and nick didier who was our producer for most of our records is my partner at the studio and so he started mixing that stuff and initially those songs were going to be bonus material for odyssey number five yeah called oddity number five and then we found all this stuff that we'd not so much forgotten about but it just it just hadn't really been considered and and it was from right across our career so it's from 98 till till right at the end till the last song we recorded as it came together and as nick mixed it and we'd also found all this other bonus material for odyssey number five we realized it was it was better than just a bonus just bonus tracks we wanted to make it into a to an actual record so yeah we just a lot of credit has to go to nick as well for the way that he put it together and the way that he produced it because i don't think if it was the five of us putting it together we would have put it together in the same way and made it into that record it was good to have someone outside yeah but inside that that was could kind of captain it a little bit because we hadn't really worked together for 10 years either you know since 2010 we hadn't done done much together but we ended up having a it was a really incredibly productive and cooperative and fun time we we all really surprised ourselves because none of that was recorded at the time ready to go on to onto a disc yeah it was so so there's the oldest song on that is called rule of thumb which was recorded for the international session yeah i was for that for that record but it didn't fit on the record and didn't it wasn't the right the right tune to go on with the rest of the songs just didn't fit so the case for most of them is that they were recorded for album sessions but they there was either another song that kind of pipped it to go on the record that might have been similar or something like that or we we never quite finished it so day by day for example which was the first single off this that was recorded for vulture street right but it was never mixed while we were doing the session we probably said we're not getting close enough with this we will just concentrate on the rest and so we've finished all the rest of it and and the other thing is that the the kind of one rule that we had was that it was it was genuinely unreleased that none of this stuff has been heard before we've never played it live right or anything so it's it's they've never been road tested or anything any of these songs so you know in those days we were releasing singles off records and singles had b-sides so we'd have especially on as cds you would have three or four bonus tracks so we would end up with the 12 songs on an album but then probably with an additional 12 b-sides on for each project so but these were just things that had never been quite finished or or were very late in the piece some of it was recorded i think after golden rule which is our last record yeah you know the daybreak is the last song that we actually recorded and that was written the day before the night before kind of the last day of recording about it right i mean there's a lot of people that might have heard whispers about some of the stuff on here or you know uh there's going to be a lot of people are excited about this release can you tell us i mean in this whole scheme it kind of you had to woo up everyone who was thinking that you might be performing at the afl grand final you know with with all this happening can you tell us how close you've been to doing something like that over the years well we we haven't really haven't even come close i mean we we did the one night lonely thing and that that came out of all of those meetings we were having yeah yeah because we were saying okay we've got these songs should we put should we put something out and we'll we'll use the money we'll donate it to support to support act or whatever and then someone i think it was paul our manager said oh do you want to do a gig you know as a joke yeah we're like oh yeah fuck yeah and then we just thought sort of thought you know what it's so because you know that lockdown was weird everyone was doing the weirdest shit really yeah because any other year it would not have happened i can guarantee um so it was just it was just a symptom of that you know um sorry i'm crapping on i can't remember what the question was well i mean terms of like you know the glorious uh reunion tour or yeah show yeah i mean that that makes sense it was a it was a weird time and it was a everyone was tuned in at home locked in yeah fucking we don't even want to go back there we don't ever want to think about that time um great show though has there ever been talk you know like for example i'd say like 2015 cowboys broncos grand final did someone knock on the door was that like was there ever a was there ever a moment or or i think no you know what you know when the the most likely time it would have ever happened was about three months after we stopped because the floods happened in britain yeah right and there was some sort of show or something and um but i've i'd already gone yeah yeah i think i'd already gone to spain by then so um yeah it wasn't going to happen but you know even that afl thing it was just so ludicrous yeah because we're not a fucking band like playing you know we're not a band that plays live yeah and there was you know there was a conspiracy between a few journalists and probably some people that were involved in the afl and and also the guy that was booking the afl grand final that wanted to whip up a bit of controversy and and put pressure on us and and we just fucking held a firm line it's like why don't you get a band like violent so who are actually together and in town yeah well i don't think that would have moved too many newspapers yeah yeah you're right about that to go back to uh where this conversation started about unscrupulous journalism yes that's right so i was actually then my next one was going to my next question was going to be entrapment to say something along the lines of uh if a queensland team makes makes a grand final in the nl will you guys get back together um because that's the headline well you know what oh the fucking titans have got a show at the at the a next year tino oh yeah don't we love tino wasn't that just the sweetest queensland victory the other night too oh my god it was just well from mate of mine was saying the other day he said if there is a god origin is his favorite game yeah and he and he's a queenslander yeah yeah because it's true it's just it just keeps on giving doesn't it it's particularly because uh the new south wales wins over the years have been so like they carried on at the end of the eight in a row like they carried on the jared hayne was crying and all that kind of stuff but still that was the first match with no fights so that was like it was a hollow win and everything's been a hollow win since then one in a row mate we've got one in a row they got real close to getting a bit of a streak going but they got shut down this year by a bunch of 19 year olds so um yeah maybe maybe titans uh bronco's grand final burning fanning has said today on the podcast they might come back for the halftime show they do them yeah maybe a couple maybe a couple of us or maybe if the bulls win the shield oh yeah they're a show too but they are a show they are a show for once during the have they had live music and shoot shield well they're about to well that they're about to if they went to yeah they should yeah the aspiring cricket journal from brisbane might give them a little little bump over the line um thank you for joining us today bernard uh my pleasure what a great yarn what a great yarn great to hear about the life and times and of course it's all paid off you know big sound in brisbane is um the new south by southwest so it is and um yeah and brisbane's entire kind of music and art scenes is much richer for you guys so uh thank you for joining us on the batuta advocate radio show my pleasure thank you fellas it's a great honor and uh tell cogs that the uh checks in the mail for the articles that he wrote for us a couple years ago it's uh still coming okay he's a secret pen name yeah wendell yeah very highbrow yeah yeah no worries boys thanks thanks very much nice talking to you |
cracked | why_shopping_in_a_video_game_universe_sucks_8_bits | Welcome.
Would you like to buy an item? Sell an item? Trade an item?
I need armor. Money is no object. I have just the thing. Here we go. Plus 20 defense.
40,000 rupees for satchel. This is cheap burlap. Yes, but it can hold eight more items than your current purse. It's not purse, it's satchel. And with the briefcases are they? Exorbitantly overpriced, yes.
Never know when you're gonna have to cast your flak on an entire party. This guy. Forgot about this guy.
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Very good. Huh? It's held on by magic. Right? Just stays. Watch.
Well, it's not active yet, but we'll activate it. Okay. Just give me the green herbs then. Now, sir, state law requires me to urge you. Are you supposed to make that into a tea or something? All right. Will that be all?
Ah, hang on a second. Tifa, do you have any stuff you'd like to unlock? Next in line, please. Now remember, this is not a toy. You can trap basically any living creature in here. Just as long as I beat it within an inch of his life, right? You should really card for these. Delicanesis, please. You mean the intangible psychic ability?
Yep. The sword description said banish your foes with one swing of this blade. A sham is what it is. Well, yeah, that's the auction house for you. But I'll tell you, if you're looking for the good stuff, this fella just came in.
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All right. Yeah. Give me a second. Guys, do a visa. It's a visa. Right.
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Subscribe to our f***ing videos. I don't care. Are you going to bleep that f*** out? You know what? Screw you.
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SaturdayNightLive | king_tut_snl | I'd like to talk seriously, just for a moment. one of the great art exhibits ever to tour the United States is the Treasures of Tutankhamen or King Tut. but I think it's a national disgrace the way we have commercialized it with trinkets and toys, t-shirts and posters. And about three months ago I was up in the woods and I wrote a song. I tried to use the ancient modalities and melodies. we'd like to do it for you right now. maybe we can all learn something from this.
King Tut, King Tut. Now when it was a young man, he never thought he'd see people standing. Live to see the Boy King Tut. how'd you get so funky? did you do the monkey?
How if I'd know they'd light up just to see me?
I'd taken all my money and bought me a museum. buried with a donkey. he's my favorite. Hulking. born in Arizona. Who is a guy? dancing by the dye. disco type. the ladies love the style. boss type type. rocking for the vibe. rocking type type. he ate a crocodile. he gave his life for tourism. cold and idle. he's an Egyptian. now when I die, I don't want to bram it. buried in his jammies. Born in Arizona. Who is a guy? who made a stoner? King Tut. |
cracked | boy_s_night_out | I should have known I couldn't hold on to you. How do you... hold on to an angel?
Hook him by the wing-joint. You know where a jog's in there? A clip or a... claw? Snare would do it.
Ah! Michael! We just opened that! Oh shit! You know what?
I just don't have my normal capacity to deal with your shenanigans today, alright? Everything you say and do is like... stab him in the throat with scissors, you know? So, I'm just gonna go. I'm gonna go for a run or something. No, I don't wanna say or do anything.
Good. Perfect. This is what I'm talking about.
It's like they don't even work here.
Shh. No, it's like 11am and he's liquored up and jogging. Shh.
Who cares? What are we working on?
Jokes. That's stupid.
New plan bar, now! Can I change first?
It looks like you fell down. You don't have like a messed up face or anything. I'm saying it probably when you fell down. Your legs must be tired because they are spindly. And I like that. If you're offended, you're a racist. I'm just saying you look kind of like you could pass for Asian. My dick's made of money. I'm sorry. You're really pretty and it makes me nervous.
Which makes me sound like a serial killer, apparently. You guys know the Zodiac Killer? Now you do. You're the cuter, I'd murder you.
Well, I didn't mean that anything is wrong with somebody helping me. I'm having a really hard time. What? I don't know. No, no, no, no, no. No, pinch it off, man.
Get out there. We need you. Hey, man. How's it going? You got a little something. Okay. Here's what we're going to do. Everybody, line up according to your relative position on the human sexual spectrum. You're definitely right. Okay. And somebody grab that hot-ass bar stool, because we're going back to my place. No, we'll be there.
He's the one. I was telling you that. I know him.
I'm super wet. Now try and stretch as we walk, because I am going to have sex with each and every part of you, beginning alphabetically. The butt. The front of the butt. Excuse me.
Can I get a big glass of poison, please? Just the killingest thing you have.
Thank you. Sure. Honey. There you go. Wow. That's what that is. Perfect.
I'm digging the pink, by the way. Oh, I actually forgot that I was wearing these. That explains a lot. No, it's cool. You're rocking it. It's a foam.
Did you see the armbands yet? Are you guys pregnant yet? Are you controlling this? Is this like the game? No! I just posted an online dating profile as you, went on a series of fraudulent but awesome comical first dates, wrote a screenplay about it, faked my death as you, rewrote the first act, and then 20 minutes ago, this bartender chick mentioned Spider-Man while I was doing body shots off of Amanda and Rosalind, and Bingo nerd, for the next two and a half hours, that woman is being paid to be alone in a room full of booze with you.
That's really all I can do. Well, I'm probably just going to finish my Clampercott Shandy and get out of here. But thanks for trying. Okay. Well, I've already got some momentum going here, so I'm kind of locked in. I'll catch you Monday.
Yeah. Today's Monday. Yep. Yeah. There's a lot of us. Oh, hey, Michael? Uh-huh. You should call your movie I'm With Cupid. Sure. Yes, I could, buddy.
Listen, I really got her. His chick says she's wicked wet, so I'll think about it. Who's ready to get full? So, hi. It's me again.
I'm not actually going to drink this, so you have to come and talk to me a little bit longer. Well, what's your poison? It doesn't matter to me. I'm not going to pay for it anyway. I'm going to jog and close. I didn't bring a wallet. Seriously? No, I have one. Okay. I'm not going to tip you, though. It's just separate, unrelated to it. Just kidding.
No, I appreciate it. |
dropout | the_six_christmas_movies_you_live_through | This is you. This is your holiday. You understand it's not for everyone, but you like it okay. And these are the six Christmas movies you'll live through. You feel like you just ate Lucky Charms for six weeks straight.
Only the marshmallows, of course. Why sleep? There's no school.
Every meal is followed by cookies. Every cookie is followed by toys.
Ethics aside, scientists say a dozen four-year-olds under the influence of Christmas could power Missouri for the next 500 years. All your favorite people love this holiday. The turtles, Pikachu, Phineas, Ferb, John McClain, even SpongeBob. They all have Christmas specials. Because Christmas is the motherfucking best.
You let him watch Die Hard? Yeah, it's a classic! Then suddenly, it's no longer okay to spend all day eating frosting in your pajamas. Suddenly you're a small, adorable prop in somebody else's movie. The suit itches.
These are not cookies. This is not Donkey's Christmas Shrektacular. Good Christmas stories of dinosaurs and 3D were made after God invented color. How could a Christmas like this be fun for anybody? When did your Christmas turn into a series of broad comedic set pieces?
The alcoholic relatives. The obnoxious neighbors. The inevitable decoration-related accidents.
It might be funny on a screen somewhere. Actually wasn't really that funny there, either. This holiday is just a cynical cash grab with no real heart. Two thumbs down. Total waste of time.
Well, maybe not a total waste. You should probably take him to the hospital. You never thought this would be your type of movie.
Two average young people. Two successful, charismatic, beautiful young lovers. Who are also good at sex and cooking and scrabble. Brought together by some holiday coincidence. Fall madly, deeply, perfectly in love.
Also the guy secretly fights space crime. But there's always that stupid second act.
I want you to show up for dinner on the night of our anniversary. I can't talk to you anymore.
But hey, this is the movies. It always works out. It works out, doesn't it? You know this one, right?
It's the story of a successful hardworking man who can't get any work done because his stupid friends and family keep bothering him. Mom, I can't talk right now. Because I have a job. You sent presents. For dad, you even found that Japanese thing that makes coffee and lentils at the same time. What more do they want? Shoot. You can't afford any distractions. Not now. At least there's really no such thing as ghosts from the past. Merry Christmas.
This last movie isn't great. Um, what the hell is A-E-B? The cinematographer clearly has no idea what he's doing. The actors miss their cues, stammer through their lines, act without any clear motivation.
Still, it has a certain charm to it. An authenticity. It's not perfect. It's not beautiful. Sometimes there's puke on it, but it's always yours. Merry Christmas. |
SaturdayNightLive | jake_from_state_farm_snl | As a homeowner, you never know what's going to go wrong. I wanted to give him a bath. luckily, State Farm has you covered no matter what the issue. And with the State Farm app, you can file a claim in seconds so you can get back to your life. Wow, that was easy. Thanks, Jake, from State Farm. like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
Guess I won't be late for work after all. one more thing. is this dry or safe? Bye, Hon. have a great day. Hey, do you want a cup of coffee?
I'd love one. no matter what your insurance needs, State Farm has a policy for you. Hello? Jake From State Farm. you're still here. Well, unlike other insurance companies, State Farm's here for you 24-7. right.
Uh, so what's the plan for dinner? Oh, uh, Jake and the kids and I went out for pizza. but there should be stuff in the fridge to make a sandwich. text me when you get home. Whoa, look, who's up, Sleepyhead. think fast. Hey, where the hell were you?
Jake thought it'd be nice to take the kids to church. to church? Yes, to church.
And I happen to agree. No, excuse me. See, you're giving. you're a natural. give us a hug. good neighbors, State Farm is there. Ooh, some heat. I paid the insurance claim.
Looking for better rates? Jesus. you know you won't find them. State Farm's rate match. even if you do find cheaper coverage, we'll just match it.
This is my house, and I want him gone. he is not a good neighbor. Get your finger out of my face. save even more when you bundle them all. stay tight. State Farm's here for you. 24-7. I just wanted a policy. like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. And here and in my bed with my wife. he took everything. everything. from the edge. you don't have to do that. I can help.
Liberty Is Liberty Is Liberty. Liberty. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_07_02_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | G'day, my name's Bruce Hitchcock, and you're listening to the Weekly Battuta News Rap, coming to you live from downtown Battuta in our old city district. G'day listeners, thanks for tuning in as we wrap up all of the top stories from the Battuta Advocate from the week that was live from Koala Mattress Studios. And it's pretty safe to say that the Royal Commission of the Banking Sector was the biggest story this week, wasn't it Del?
I don't think anyone would argue with you on that one Bruce, and after the final report was released by Commissioner Kenneth Hayne, we spoke to a local nono down at a Flight Path District cafe. The old Italian patriarch explained that the findings from the Royal Commission don't come as a surprise, as he always knew, the banks, they no good. Nono explained that this is why he's been burying cash in his backyard, under the fig tree, and in the rose garden, for almost half a century. Because as he said to us Banks, tax man, they are crooks. That's why I do not go to either. However, as a retired snowy river era migrant grows older, and becomes even more intent on not listening to his wife, Nono says his biggest problem now is remembering where all of his life savings are located in the 20 square feet of soil in his half acre backyard.
And in other news around the nation now, after months working away in remote rural communities, Uncle Tony X has recently returned to Sydney to condemn Carrie-Anne Kennelly. Former Prime Minister and respected Northern Beaches community elder, Uncle Tony, has returned to the Big Smoke after months working with grassroots indigenous groups and remote communities around Australia to slam Kennelly for her comments around changing the date of Australia Day. Prime Minister Scott Morrison did not ask Mr Abbott to be a minister in his new government, but instead asked him to take on the role of envoy, citing his close association with Aboriginal Australia after growing up in a six bedroom mansion in Sydney's Northern Beaches and working for the Liberal Party for nearly three decades. KAK, more like KKK, said Uncle Tony in reference to Carrie-Anne Kennelly's recent racial tirade on a ratingless daytime television panel, before slamming all of those in his party for sticking up for the old wine dot.
And down south in the nightlife capital of the country now, Bruce, New South Wales Premier Gladys Berejiklian has managed to solve the whole pill deaths issue this week. The young people of New South Wales, and to some extent the nation, have decided to never touch drugs again after the Premier of the country's second worst state said they were bad. Wiping her hands ceremoniously this morning as she stood on the steps outside New South Boomerstan Parliament in Sydney, Premier Gladys Berejiklian said her stern words about how bad drugs are have fixed the issue. She then explained that now that it's all sorted, she might try to do something about the whole fish deaths Murray Darling issue rather than just ignoring the whole thing like her Water Minister Niall Blair does. And back in our home state this week, Del, the federal government has announced a bold new action plan to deal with the Townsville floods.
Morrison rolled out a flood relief package consisting of an emergency deployment of cotton farmers to dry out the North Queensland hub. The Prime Minister told our reporters that the batch of northern New South Wales blue blooded Panama hat wearing cockies that he was sending up there would drain the whole place within a few hours. One fourth generation cotton farmer and noted Sydney Uni dropout who's on his way up to the deep north named Clyde Fontaine Smithbone says it'd be a shame to let all of this water go to waste. We can bring that Ross River dam down from 240% to 100% without even breaching our water quotas. Fuck the floodgates. Just give me a length of poly and a Davey. This town will be as dry as the Durran Bandy motorcross track by sundown.
Still in the deep north now and Queensland rugby league icon Jonathan Thurston has wowed the people of Townsville this week. He did so when he was spotted walking back from the shops with a coffee on top of the 2 metre high flood waters. The recently retired Great reportedly described the scene as a beautiful North Queensland day as he strolled across the flood waters seemingly unperturbed. At the time of press, dam levels in the city appear to be slowly falling but Mayor Jenny Hill says she's just waiting for JT to figure out what's going on so that he can turn it all into wine. Well if there's anyone on this green earth of ours who can turn water into wine it's got to be the goat JT.
Anyway that's it for the News Bulletin this week. Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to download the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussey. |
SaturdayNightLive | monday_night_football_frank_gifford_s_affair_snl | We'll have a good crowd tonight as the San Francisco 49ers go up against the Jacksonville Jaguars here on Monday Night Football. Hello again, everyone. Frank Ebert with Al Michaels and Dan Dierdorf And Dan, What a night for football. that's right, Frank. in fact, we've got a good game coming up for you tonight. Jacksonville, it's San Francisco. the 49ers coming up a big win over Tampa Bay. they're five and one and their new coach has them riding high. And now Michaels, this one should be a dandy. Absolutely, Frank. we've got two teams.
Jacksonville, This is a good looking team, a rising team, a young team, a talented football team. They came into the season thinking great things for this football team. the combination of Mark Brunell and these Jaguars seem like a marriage made in heaven, but then, as happens in all marriages, it went terribly wrong.
Okay, Frank. Mark Brunell going down to a knee injury pre-season against the New York Giants, August 9th. a moment of human weakness for Mark Brunell, just a man like all of us, with certain frailties and urges. And worst of all, the whole ugly affair secretly captured on videotape. Well, that's great, Frank.
Anyway, we're about to kick out. it's supposed to be a private affair between two consenting football teams. I guess there's no such thing as privacy anymore. a momentary lapse resulting in public humiliation, the details of which graphically recounted in Star Magazine.
And as if that isn't bad enough, every morning he has to watch the Jacksonville Jaguars sit down with a little guy named Regis. yucking it up. Like the Jaguars never made a mistake in her whole life. I mean, Mark Brunell stood by the Jaguars for so long through thick and thin, like that whole K-mart sweatshop thing, then he blows out his knee just one time and someone cuts his picture out of all the wedding photos.
Frank, why don't we just. I guess if he hadn't taken a bite from that apple, we'd all be perfect. Like the man upstairs and poor Natron means, the Jaguars running back, whom I'll refer to as Cody from now on, getting caught in the middle of this whole sordid affair. It's just not right.
So gentlemen, what do you make of the field conditions for today's game? Well, the field seems pretty good. Yes. yes, it does. Anyway, the game is under. just when you think the whole thing's blown over, the New York Giants show up on the cover of Playboy wrapped in a towel.
Hey, Frank, we've got a special guest in the booth tonight, former Nfl great Rams running back Eric Dickerson. Well, thanks for joining us, Eric. what do you make of this matchup tonight? Well, Frank, these two teams could very well. Well, I've had enough of those Jaguars, I'm telling you. it's enough to drive a man to go and blow out his knee again. it's not like he has anything to lose. who knows? maybe Mark Brunel will go get his knee blown out tonight, freaky style, with like three other teams. Maybe he's going to be wild. we'll be back with more Monday Night Football action after this commercial break. I mean, Mark Brunel is still a good one. |
TheOnion | Best_of_Onion_Sports_OSN_Tackles_Underreported_Sports | You're back in the sports zone. Professional boxing has been losing fans to UFC and the WWE for years.
Break out those envelopes you'd like to reseal and let's head to the steam room. You're in the steam room where we steam clean the stain of deception from the carpet of sports. Alongside LSN boxing analyst Adam Branigan, I'm Tim Devanen. Adam, breathe deeply and hold the steam in your lungs. Alright. The steam room begins now.
Boxing has tried everything to recapture the fans. Reality shows, D-list celebrity matchups. What makes this match so different? There's so much on the line here.
All the doctors have told Holyfield to retire. Nobody wants to fight the guy.
What does he do? Boom.
He takes on an animal four times the size of a man. The Holyfield has called Evening Dream a worthy opponent and quote, one tough horse, but his manager had this to say at the weigh-in. Look, Evening Dream's a nice man. But you get in the ring with the big boys, you better be ready to get hurt.
Evander's gonna kill that horse. That horse is dead.
With all this bad blood, is the fight gonna live up to the hype? Oh, definitely. This is exactly what boxing is all about. You think so? Two men, or one man and one horse, or one man and two men riding in on a horse, settling their differences in the ring like men and horses. Alright, but what about the critics who say Holyfield should hang up the gloves and retire from boxing for good? What do you say?
Holyfield is in the best shape of his life. Okay. This guy's training six hours a day. Right. Jumping rope. Nice. Even sparring with a Holstein cow named Tiffany, who, by the way, is a great boxer in her own right.
Alright, Brannigan, it's time for the final sweat. You will most likely die from the steam. We shall see. You're Evander Holyfield.
What's your game plan to knock this horse out? Realistically, Holyfield's only gonna be able to punch that horse once before it goes totally berserk. And then when it's thrashing around in the ring, he's gotta punch that horse right in the neck and face and keep on punching and punching and punching until it dies. That's how you beat a horse.
Alright, the early rumors have the winner taking on Dylan the Lion with the belt on the line. Thoughts? Oh, it's about time. I mean, how many people does that lion have to eat before it earns a title shot?
Adam Brannigan, there's a doctor waiting for you backstage to make sure you've suffered no ill effects from the steam room. I'll go see him right now.
Those guys are going to smell like steam for days. But coming up, Tiger Woods and Roger Federer frolic around on the set of the new Gillette Razor commercial.
That horse is going to learn a valuable lesson in getting hit. It better pray to whatever horse god it believes in.
NASCAR fans across the country are gearing up for tomorrow's Sears Classic 500, one of the biggest racing events of the year. Here to talk about some of the strategies we'll see in the race is legendary NASCAR coach Dan Ayman. Mr. Ayman, let me just say it's an honor to be speaking with you. Rarely do you get a chance to sit down with someone who knows so much about NASCAR. Tomorrow is your fifth Sears Classic.
You're coaching Curtis Rutherford. What's your plan of attack?
Well, the most important point is to drive fast. Now, what's the training regimen like to get a driver prepared to go fast? That's a very good question. We do a lot of training with pedals. Pushing the pedal down all the way, that's very important. Now, a lot of mistakes a lot of rookie drivers make is they only push the pedal down part way.
We have some videotaping. I'd like to explain exactly what's going on here, because this is absolutely intriguing. What's happening here? OK, well let's take a look. All right, now pause it right here.
Now, he's turning left here. Now, if he turns left here, he'll go into this little grassy area here. Now, that's not allowed. Then if he turns right here. You got it. He's going to go into the wall here, and all the other cars behind him, they're going to pass him and they're going to win the race, and he's going to lose.
Now, that ain't good. NASCAR tracks are circular, right? Well, that's a common misconception. They're actually ovals. Now, if they were circular, then there'd be no place on the track where they could go straight. You know, it'd just be this instead of this.
Turning left, then going straight. Turning left, and then going straight.
Coach, there are other cars on the track, of course. How do you handle them? What's the strategy there? Well, I always tell my drivers the same thing.
I mean, look out the windshield. If you see a race car over there, don't drive into that place. Because if, you know, I could hit them and it might cause an accident.
This is why you're the best. I mean, you really know your sport. Now, we have some tape here of the headset communication between you and Curtis Rutherford from last year's Sears Classic. Can we play that? That was a good one.
Coming up on the turn. Turn yet. Don't turn yet. I'm not turning yet. He's ready to turn. But not yet. Ready? On he comes.
And turn left. Turn left. He's turning left.
Go straight. Straight. I'm going straight.
Go straight and go fast. I'm going fast. Go fast and straight. Should I keep going fast? Keep going fast. Roger. Keep going fast.
Coach, it was great to be talking with you this morning and good luck tomorrow. Thank you, Michael. It's been a pleasure.
Let's turn to donkey basketball news. Today's Scraps, a two-year-old mammoth jack donkey from Lawrence, Kansas, who has played just five fundraisers, has been tapped by scouts to move directly up to Class A Midwest Donkey Basketball League play. This morning he was signed by Dairyland Donkey Ball for a record 50 pounds of feed corn per day. Senior Onion News Network sports analyst Reggie Greengrass joins us now to fill us in on this donkey Scraps. Reggie, how good is Scraps? Michael, Scraps is one of the best players to come along in donkey basketball in a long, long time.
He rarely bucks, he never flinches at balls thrown to his rider, and he has an innate ability to always trot towards the right basket. He's only 15 months old, is that right? It's unbelievable. When the cameras start flashing, you know, most donkeys become confused, they'll lie down, they'll run out of the gym. Scraps has never done that. But does he have the maturity level? Because he's used to 4-H fundraisers, one-off tournaments, now he's going to be playing in front of crowds of, say, two, three hundred people, and we've seen what can happen when a young gifted donkey is suddenly thrust into that spotlight. Well, sure, I mean, just two years ago, of course, there was nubbins, signs on to play in the big leagues, but he's not ready mentally, refuses to eat, drops 10 pounds, he ends up tethered to a trailer out back, and of course, now he's in a petting zoo in Branson.
Well, do you think Scraps can avoid going down that path? Michael, I spoke with legendary Dairyland coach Johnny Kornkopf Bennett this morning. He says he's got a plan to keep Scraps on the straight and narrow.
He's going to have him training with the team, but he's also going to have him stabled with them. And he becomes accustomed to their smell. When they actually hit the court, he won't be as skittish.
And this just isn't any team we're talking about here for most people. Dairyland donkey ball is donkey basketball.
You got that right. It's the kind of break most donkeys would dream about if they dreamt it all. And he'll be playing alongside Hee Haw, Mr. Fred. You said it. That's thrilling for a young Jack. Oh, yeah. Sounds like you're sold on Scraps. I am absolutely sold, Michael. Once you've seen Scraps play live, you know he's the real deal. I had the chance to do so last week, and I was in absolute awe of this donkey's moves. And hey, I've seen a lot of donkeys move, Michael. Yes, you have. Thank you, Reggie. We'll be keeping our eye on Scraps. Speculation is over.
Wisconsin resident and Packers fan Chris Lukowski has announced that he will return to drinking for another football season. Following his wife's off-season threat to leave him if he didn't get help, many expected Lukowski to give up drinking for good. But he held a press conference today to announce he's not done yet. The Packers are my life, and drinking is my life. I think I have another couple thousand beers left in me. Can Lukowski push through with another good season, or are his best drinking days behind him?
If you're going to need something in the next two minutes, please grab it now, because you will be unable to find it once you have entered the steam room. Welcome to the steam room. I'm Tim Devann, and alongside OSN sports analyst Marcus Kelly, Marcus, there is no I in steam. I know that, Tim. Then the steam room begins now.
Marcus, no question in anybody's mind that Chris Lukowski is among the all-time greats of alcohol consumption. Absolutely right. Well, quite simply nothing, Tim. The guy's done it all. Lost jobs, destroyed property, all in the name of Packers football, and his lifetime stats are incomparable. A .43 career high blood alcohol content, and six women punched. The man just flat out loves to drink. That's right.
We got some footage of him from a 2005 Packers victory. Let's take a look.
Go, Ben! Go! Go, Ben! Go! Go, Ben! Go!
I remember that game. He was a monster. That's right.
He's really the last man standing from that incredible drinking class of 1974. Those were a great group of drinkers.
Now, Lukowski never drank as much as Brian Pardville in one sitting though. You have a worse Pardville now. Alright. He's in an AA meeting getting his five-year sober chip, Lukowski's still sitting in front of his TV drinking his weight in beer week after week.
Can he keep up this high level of play? Of course he can. He's a far cry from the 97 Lukowski, who we all knew and loved, who celebrated the Packers Super Bowl victory by falling face first into his backyard barbecue and then being unable to remember why he had grill marks on his face the next day. Let me tell you, the man has got good form and he's been drinking straight through the off-season. Just last Thanksgiving, he awkwardly broke his son's 14-year-old girlfriend and then threatened to kill himself by jumping off the roof of their ranch house.
Wow. It's time for the final sweat. I'm a little bit worried about you. Well, your concern is insulted. Very well.
Chris Lukowski's time on this earth is limited. Who's the future of drinking? I wouldn't look any further than the Lukowski household.
Wow. Alex Lukowski has shown a tremendous potential for drinking since age three when his father poured beer in his bottle to keep him quiet during the game. And he's already accomplished so much at such a young age, showing up wasted out of his mind for his job at Gummy's Pizza, losing his tooth in somebody's milkshake, and routinely peeing water. He's got the best coach there is. That's incredible. If the Packers are still playing, this kid will be drinking. He's got a real future.
Marcus Kelly, I can't tell if we've survived the steam room or died and gone to some sort of warm, steamy purgatory. Either way, it's been an honor, Tim. Thanks, guys. You will live forever in our steamy memories. Moving on, the Milwaukee Brewers Polish sausage has admitted to steroid use and sausage race fixing.
I'm still willing to do whatever it takes to drink. Right now, getting blackout drunk is the only thing that keeps me feeling happy and fulfilled.
Right now, news from the International CPAC-TACRAW League bad boy, Nguyen Thi Butch Thuy is grabbing headlines once again. The Chonbury Tigers have announced that they have suspended Thuy, a record fifth time this season, citing his public criticism of coach Ha Tung Lap for not running the offense through him more. Once again, here are those controversial comments from Thuy.
I am the best player on my team. Just give me the damn CPAC-TACRAW ball. We've heard that before and joining us now is senior Onion News Network sports analyst Reggie Greengrass. Thuy just can't stay out of trouble, can he? It certainly seems that way, Michael. Don't give me the damn CPAC-TACRAW ball. I mean, come on, doesn't Thuy get the ball as much, if not more, than any other TACRAW in the league? It's unbelievable, Michael. I mean, Thuy touches retunnel in 85% of the Tigers' volleys, OK?
Right. I mean, come on. He's earned the attention. He's got a roll spike right of 93, but he's asking for more. 93 is great. What does he want?
Look, when you're in your 13.1 by 6.4, you've got to be thinking in terms of your regular. This season alone, Thuy's cautionable offenses include entering the court without the technical delegate's permission, showing dissent through word or action, and leaving the court without the permission of the technical delegate. How does he get away with this? Coach Lap tried to instill some discipline. He moved Thuy from the service circle to the quarter circle.
We both know that's not an easy decision to make with a king's cup on the line. Michael, this guy basically thinks of himself as the god Hanuman, you know, playing takraw in a group of monkeys, like in the mural in Wat Phra Ka. Big picture. Is Thuy good for septic takraw? Well, listen, interest in the sport has never been higher, but is it for the right reasons? I mean, do we want to talk about his Ragu substitution pattern or the fact that he's dating the Hatai Lekbung rum?
Yeah, I'm jealous. Well, he's already had a tremendous effect on the rest of the league. Absolutely. Other takraws are not as vocal as Thuy, but they are signing 3 trillion baht deals, releasing their own Luftung albums. Their faces are all over our Thai bean custard containers. That's for sure.
Many of these guys can't even wait around after a match to sign retons on the pitch. I think septic takraw is going to have to take a long, hard look at itself if it wants to keep relating to the average fan.
You bet. Reggie Greengrass, thank you for your time, sir. My pleasure. Good to talk to you again.
Well, it looks like fencing's bad boy, Raphael Delacroix, has run afoul of the law yet again. Police in Monaco have issued a warrant for Delacroix's arrest in connection with a cat burglary of a priceless diamond from the Prince Rainier museum. Just another black mark for a man who's fast becoming a poster child for bad behavior in fencing. Will the International Fencing Federation finally do something about Delacroix, or will he get off scot-free once more?
Break out your lobster bib because somebody's about to get steamed. Welcome to the steam room where we sweat the truth out of our experts. Alongside Reggie Greengrass, I'm Tim Devan, and Reggie, you ready to swallow some hot steam? The wetter the better. Then the steam room begins now.
Red, stealing the Monaco diamond. Come on. Delacroix, sure, he's got a lightning-quick parry, but how can the IFF let this skullduggery go unpunished? I hear you, Tim, and Delacroix's got to answer for dropping that crystal chandelier on those museum guards. He hasn't taken responsibility for any of it yet. In fact, just this afternoon, he released a statement saying, Me, Le Jaguar, preposterous. Perhaps if the police weren't such bumbling fools, they'd be able to catch this man and clear my good name. You buying that? Come on.
Delacroix is clearly Le Jaguar. How many six-foot-one men with pencil mustaches can there be who move with the grace and power of a jungle cat?
Right. For all his villainy, there's no denying he's still da Vinci with the sword. Sure, but lately, his coulis has been overshadowed a little bit by his hot dogging off the floor. Well, no question.
His behavior just keeps getting worse. Police searched his car during a routine stop.
Uh-huh. They found a priceless rim ramp that they traced to a daring heist at the Louvre. Really? Of course, Delacroix said it belonged to a friend. Oh, yeah, right. The League led him off with a five. What is IFF Commissioner Peter James Whistleby waiting for? What, Delacroix to kidnap a rare white tiger from the Artez Royal Zoo? It's true, yes.
He spends too much time giving out roses to young widowed socialites in the stands and not enough time deflecting his opponents to tackle fairs. Widows whom he widowed, no doubt.
Yeah, and this week, he's seduced, married, and divorced Countess Stefania Isabella de Uster of Switzerland, made off with 50 million in Nazi gold and a locket that was owned by Catherine the Great. Scoundrel! The Countess spoke to OSN's under the bleachers about that incident. He told me that I was his true love, that I had tamed him, and that he left with my royal coronet while I was sleeping.
I still love you, Le Chacroix. I forgive you.
Poor sad lady. Reg, it's time for the final sweat. You are dehydrated and dangerously low on electrolytes. Are you sure you can handle more heat?
I demand it. Here it comes. Is there no one who can bring an end to this dashing knave's reign of terror? I will, Tim. No! It's too dangerous. I have no choice but to take up the boil once again and vanquish this reign.
Godspeed, Reggie Greengrass. You survived the steam room. Go rehydrate. Well steamed, guys. When we come back, sports music researchers have discovered a brand new jock jam to pump up the nation. Stick around.
Those lips. Those lips that spoke such sweet lies to me.
I could not resist because, you know, I am a woman and there is nothing you can do. When you meet Le Chacroix, he just, he takes your heart away and there's nothing you can do.
I love him. |
dropout | streeter_theeter_gunter_granz_2 | Amir, you missed one! So that's the situation, unfortunately, we're losing money at a rapid rate.
Any questions? What's that? What do you mean? What's that?
So I'm raising my hand? No! I'm not raising your hand, you're hailing. You're interrupting me?
That's exactly what I wanted to say!
Guys? Cool it. I'm going to read you a question. Thank you, sir. Could we not just borrow some money from Amir's father's bank?
Shh! Careful!
Yes! Yeah!
Ah! That's how it works. Quickly, Sam! Run! I can't hold him much longer! He's very strong! Ah! Get off of me, man! Is that a joke? You're so tight. Ah! Amir, you missed one!
Sam Reich, yeah? Yeah. You're from a big family? Big family? You know, I have a father and a brother. That is good. So you are the third male in the family? Yes.
Ah!
Are you going home early for Schneider Weiser day? What? Schneider Weiser day is a German holiday. I never heard of that holiday.
I think you're making that up. Yeah, you caught me, okay? All right, I made it up. Like, I took a cue from you, right?
Wow. Oh, good. You okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry, this movie made me very sad. Made you cry? Yeah, the ending is very sad, but the beginning is very funny, so, you know, like a rollercoaster, yeah? Well, part of it was sad.
Father first Reich, brother second Reich. You, third Reich.
I'm sorry.
Um, this Obama speech is top notch. Yeah, you know what? His speech writers are 23 years old. Listen to you two talking about this man. You love him!
You follow him blindly. That's dangerous. Oh, right, because Germans never blindly followed someone. Okay, yeah, fine. Guilty as charged. You caught me. But right, shouldn't you learn from this example? What happens when you blindly follow a leader, as Germans did? What happened when we did that? Do you remember?
Remember, there was war, millions and millions died, billions of Deutschmarks just wasted, blown up in the sky. The whole generation of young German men, dead in ditches in France.
This is not the way to run the world, so don't listen to one man. And it's crazy, the power of persuasion, one man can hold over an entire group of people. If we could do it all again, we would never have listened to Kaiser Wilhelm II.
Never? Never listened to him. I knew it. Wait, what?
He's talking about World War I. This was a utterly horrible war. We didn't even get anything for it. We lost Alsace-Lorraine. |
SaturdayNightLive | troye_sivan_sleep_demon_snl | Alright, Kayla, I know the electrode stickers can feel strange. are you comfortable? No, not really. great.
Now, tell me why you can't sleep at night. Well, every night when I go to sleep, it feels like there's some sort of figure with me in the room. Well, that's very common with sleep paralysis.
Oh, it is? Thank goodness. I thought I was the only one. Well, we can get to the bottom of this. using this computer, I can induce your hallucination while you're awake. so you can describe to me exactly what you're seeing as you're seeing it. can you do that for me, Kayla? Alright, Dr. Yee, I'll do my best.
Whoa. okay, this feels weird, but oh, I see him. he's right here next to me. great. great. What does he look like? it's just a guy, but like a gay guy? not just any gay guy, Homie. it's me, Troye Sivan. let's go. Oh, oh, he's moving. he's dancing.
Okay, it's okay, Kayla. try asking him what he is. what are you? Are you a demon? No, not quite, girlie.
I'm an Australian youtube twink turned indie pop star and model turned Hbo actor. Troye Sivan being played by an American actor who can't do an Australian accent.
Bye, Diva.
Okay, Kayla, what did he tell you? he said his name is Troye Sivan. Oh, no. I was afraid of this. what did he look like? shirt small as can be, pants as big as they come? Yes! yes, what does that mean?
We're seeing this more and more now that this boy is sneaking his way into the mainstream. you're the fourth woman I've seen this week who's suffering from Troye Sivan dancing as her sleep demon. But why? why is Troye Sivan dancing at me? It's hard to say. there's a lot we don't know about sleep science, and there's a lot we don't know about Troye Sivan.
But isn't he kind of famous? he's gay famous. it's different. Oh, so he's like Nathan Lane. No, not at all.
Okay, Kayla, I'm going to induce him again, but this time it's very important that you tell me exactly what the dance looks like, Okay? Hey, Homie. watch me do choreo. let's go. Oh, he's back, and he's still dancing. And for Eve, Kayla, can you describe the dance?
Well, it looks like he's trying out a new pair of legs. What else? what else? I don't know. he's showing me. he's showing me his tiny little red undies. This is amazing.
I'm going to win the award for best gay doctor. Dr. E, Dr. E, am I going to be okay?
Maybe. does the dance look like this? let's go. Well, is it like that? Yes. yes, exactly.
But medically speaking, Doctor, why does he have my psyche in a choke hold? isn't it obvious, Homie? I look like a moisturized machine gun. Kelly.
And I'm the most iconic blouse ever. Bye, Diva. Why did he call himself a blouse? Breathe, Kayla. a blouse is a femme top.
Why is this happening to me? Well, are you a straight woman who's tried poppers once?
Yes. Oh, no. Dr. E, please.
Is there anything we could do to get rid of him? I can prescribe you something so straight it should drive him out of your system. a slogan, Paul's Prime Energy Drink.
And Four Seasons of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
After I changed my mind, I can't get rid of him. at first he scared me, but now I think he's the only thing that turns me on. Oh, no. I really wish you didn't say that, Kayla. if you invite him in, he starts to multiply. what do you mean? more gay guys? Hubba? Hubba. come on, Troyes. get your tiny t-shirts in big pants.
And let's get into this woman's subconscious. Guys, let's give this straight woman what she wants. our tiny little red undies.
How many Troyes are there now? And does their dance look like this? Let's go. |
TheOnion | New_Law_Requires_Women_To_Name_Baby_Paint_Nursery_Before_Getting_Abortion | I'm Gregory Dawson, sitting in for Clifford Bains, who was accidentally erased.
On the heels of states which have passed abortion laws requiring the viewing of an ultrasound, Arkansas has enacted a new law that requires women to name their unborn baby and paint a nursery for it before undergoing the procedure. Should other states adopt similar abortion laws? Of course they should. It's common sense that viewing an ultrasound image of a fetus and then painting a nursery either pink or blue helps give women the information they need to be sure they're making the right decision.
Exactly. We have to support women through this process. Naming their unborn child is part of that. Yes. And if a woman clears out a room in her house and assembles a crib and buys three toys for the child and a few other simple steps and then decides that she wants to purge that baby from her womb, then she can. But I'm worried that the law doesn't go far enough in helping these women. How so? Well, because during the mandatory three-week reflection period after the nursery is painted, the woman can just close the door and not even look at us. That is true. She should be required to sit in the nursery at least an hour per day surrounded by baby booties and pacifiers so she won't regret rushing into a decision later. Now, some critics say that this law may be too time-consuming for many women to comply with. I agree. It's too complicated. Simply requiring women to watch a computer simulation of their baby would have looked like saying, I love you, Mommy, would have been enough.
These extra measures are simply taking valuable time away from our medical professionals. That makes sense, like the provision that requires nurses to follow women around with a giant boombox that plays the sound of children's innocent laughter over and over again. But those studies show that these extra steps actually make the laws work better. For example, the Missouri law requiring pharmacists to spend birth control in a blood-red container with a skull on it while eerily chanting, God have mercy on us in Latin, has actually increased how careful teens are about sex.
Absolutely. Similarly, Texas this week started a so-called take a life, save a life program ordering women to give a kidney while undergoing an abortion. And it's a great program. Look, if a woman isn't ready to have her kidney removed, then it's clear that she has doubts about getting an abortion. That's right. That's also because the women have so many choices. If they don't want to give a kidney, they can just opt to donate all the blood in their body. |
SaturdayNightLive | wild_country_gun_cards_saturday_night_live | If your family's like our family, you'll love guns. Oh, look, Daddy, a Smith & Wesson withdraw sight. it's the state gun of New Hampshire. that's right. Well, I didn't know they had state guns, sweetheart. Oh, sure, Mom. these Wild Country gun cards tell about them. every state has an official state gun and official gun mottos. like Montana is the bullseye state, and New Mexico is America's rifle range. that's right. Alabama's motto is the hair trigger of the South, and their gun's a 12-gauge Remington 870 slide-action shotgun with a 30-inch full choke barrel, ribbed vents, and a checkered walnut stock. that's adopted in 1955. it's all here on the cards.
Wow. look at that. that's great. But what about stopping power, Daddy? Well, that's what I want to know, dear. does it pack a wallop? Well, let's have a look at the cards here, honey. here it is.: turn that intruder's face into luncheon loaf or drop a load in the groin, and he'll be picking up his intestines with a paint scraper. Hey, look what it says about this M60 machine gun. hose a mugger down with this baby and watch the sluds chew up his chest. we're talking real meat damage here. Oh, boy.
Mom and Dad, that's what I want for graduation. Oh, you'll get it, too.
Here's my favorite. the .25 caliber Browning automatic pistol with pearl handles and a chrome finish. Ooh. it's a lady's gun. Well, that's 240 full-color plastic-coated gun cards.
Now, you get dividers and separators for only $8.95. huh? Now, if you order now, you'll receive this knotty pine little filing case here with a little, uh, you know, simulated deer's foot. Dad, the case alone is worth that.
Oh, definitely. what's wrong, honey? I think I heard a burglar. Oh, boy. I think he's coming down to the basement. is he going to be in for a surprise? right, I'll say.
Thanks to Wild Country Gun Cards. Come on, meet him, man! Send $8.99 in check of money order to Wild Country Gun Cards. Post Office Rocks! K. Washington, D.c. Act Now before it's too late. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_There_s_A_Fair_Bit_Going_On_November_20 | Welcome back to the Betooter Advocate radio show recording live here from Budgie Smuggler Studios in downtown Betooter. It's been a very very big week, very big week in the news. We've had all kinds of shit going on, we've had State of Origin, we've had what seems to be a false alarm outbreak in South Australia, just a whole lot of shit's been happening actually. Trump still hasn't conceded at the time of recording this and of course there's been some stuff happening in Afghanistan over the last two decades if you haven't read the reports but we'll get into that.
You're joined by myself Clancy Overall editor of the Betooter Advocate as well as editor at large Errol Parker, hello Errol. Mahalo Clancy, very good day out here today. Oh isn't it nice. Day 4 I guess the kids would say, wouldn't they Wendell? They absolutely would Clancy, they're all saying it.
We'll get into their story that got this week kickstarted and that was Melbourne slams reverse car down on the table, sending the spicy cough to Adelaide. Yes it was Adelaide's turn this week for the boomer remover to strike their city after months of sitting on their high horse and giving NSW and Victoria a bunch of shit.
The people of our closest capital city are at the time this is going to air, they are still in lockdown but that's due to come out midnight Saturday isn't it? I'm not sure, I don't really know. Well mate you should keep up with the news. You should keep up with the news or else you'll get sacked. Anyway Dan Andrews slammed down that reverse card made famous by the popular card game you know that divides families and now the city of churches is dealing with at the time of recording this six days in lockdown but again Wendell hasn't been reading the news it could be peeled back.
We will have to wait and see and now moving on to our next story which really brought the week home and that was Merrick Watts eliminated from SAS Australia after refusing to execute an Afghan farmer. That's right the fallout from the damning report on war crimes committed by Australian soldiers in Afghanistan has spread as far as the woefully performing reality TV show that is SAS Australia. One contestant on the show Merrick Watts has now been kicked off the program designed to glamorize the special forces for refusing to execute an unarmed Afghan farmer.
He said it just wouldn't sit well with him and he couldn't really bring himself to do it. Sounds like he will never graduate to patrol commander and we'll move along to some other militant news now and Pete Evans has caused a bit of a stir this week by sharing his perfect midweek recipe for a fertilizer bomb to take down government. Yes the now Byron local shared his perfect midweek recipe for a crude fertilizer bomb which he says is perfect for taking down governments and fighting the spread of 5G. Apparently the main ingredient is nitrate and it can't be the generic stuff it's got to be the organic powder from a proper landscaping shop but understandably you might get a visit from the authorities so that's something to keep in mind when mixing this up.
And a nice little Saturday arvo one for you now, bloke who won't give money to homeless because they'll buy drugs about to do the exact same thing. The French quarter real estate agent Jake Nottingham told us that he thinks giving homeless people money just adds to the problem and gives them no incentive to work. Yes the man who doesn't really believe that mental illness, traumatic life events or the high cost of housing are serious enough factors to render one homeless says you made bad choices bro and that's what happens bro. And that was on the way to procure himself a little bag of cocaine for the weekend but he says that's more of a recreational activity. I mean these real estate agents they only think of themselves I mean think of all the blood, violence in Mexico all the importing exporting all the human suffering that has gone into getting himself that little bit of powder. And there was a comment on that story with a similar anti real estate agent sentiment from Wendy Dore who said homeless people make bad life choices says man who apparently could have been anything and yet still chose to become a real estate agent.
Yes. Oh from downtown.
And now we will finish up with a bit of sports news from this week. Fired up Queenslander asks Alexa to play that Raging Bull video. Fuck oh no it's Queensland 1 New South Wales lost nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah. Suck shit was the headline on the Batutah Advocates print edition this week. The Spurs worst team in 40 years of origin got the job done and suck shit New South Wales but before that historic victory we broke a story about a couple of Queenslanders getting worked up to fever pitch before the game. Yes they asked a little smart home device to put on that iconic video of Gordon Telles ragdolling poor little Hodgson over the line before loading up a couple of all time origin biffs rolling straight into that historic victory on Wednesday night. The best way to get into any origin match my favorite is the brawl at the MCG.
But I reckon that will do it for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Enjoy your weekend and we'll talk to you again Monday with what will hopefully be another big week in news Yippee Yah yEMBER |
dropout | malarious_watch_videos_save_lives | We're celebrities and we hate malaria. We hate malaria. Malaria, go fuck yourself.
We wanted to do something to stop it. Something hilarious. Or rather something... Malarious. So we teamed up with College Humor and Malaria No More. And did the most ridiculous stuff imaginable. And put it on the internet.
Really? You think you're gonna grow up to be lassie, you old asshole? The world split into two halves. The bacon and the bacon eaters. Come on! Can you cross-track? Thank you for beard hair. Being here. What?
Dorothy. There's no place like home. Dorothy. There's no place like home. Dorothy.
Ha! To watch it, all you have to do is give to malaria no more.
Go to CollegeHumor.com slash Malarious. Watch the videos. Save lives.
Hold on, I can get this. |
ClickHole | theologians_explain_the_stations_of_the_cross | In Christian tradition, the Stations of the Cross commemorate Jesus Christ's final acts before the Romans executed him for barfing on Christmas. The first Station of the Cross is where Jesus meets his friend, Josiah, who he has not seen in 15 years. The Gospel of Matthew, chapter 24, verse 3. At the foot of the hill, Christ came upon his friend, Josiah, and did greet him. Each looked at each other, and it was soon obvious to both of them that Josiah could not remember Jesus' name. Jesus said unto Josiah, Farewell, Josiah. And Josiah said unto Christ, Yes, good to see you.
At Station 2, the Romans crucify Jesus, but they just crucify his ears. And lo, the Romans realized they had made a mistake, for not only was Christ still alive, but he was looking good. The third Station is Christ going to the zoo. Jesus carries the cross through the zoo, and the Bible tells us that he goes to see the polar bear, but that the polar bear isn't there.
At the next Station, Jesus encounters two fishermen returning from the river who are so moved by Jesus' suffering that each of them does a fish dance for Christ. The first fisherman holds a trout above his head and moves only his legs, but the second fisherman holds a trout between his knees and waves his arms in every direction.
When the dancing is over, Christ pauses for a very long time until finally he says, Okay, well, I have to go and die now. At the next Station, we're told there are 10,000 paper cups filled with Gatorade on one side of the path to Calvary, and on the other side, 10,000 paper cups filled with 2% milk. Christ partook first of the milk. Then Jesus did partake of the Gatorade, and thrice did he swish all of it around in his overflowing mouth before at last he swallowed the whole entire potion at once. And the Romans did exchange glances, for they could tell that Christ was not refreshed and that he was about to throw up.
When the dust finally clears, Christ is dead, nailed to the cross on Calvary, but it doesn't matter. Against all odds, he's done it. He's done it. Jesus has secured his place in history by becoming the first person ever to finish the Stations of the Cross in order in a single run. It's a feat no one would repeat until Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in 1974, and it's why, to this day, Jesus Christ still gets a place of honor in churches all around the world. |
dropout | how_far_would_you_go_to_hide_a_zit | Murph, we have a whole break room filled with snacks. You don't need to eat gak.
Uh, nice try bro. Get your own gak! Hey guys. Hey Jeff.
Woah.
Jeff, what's with the uh... What's with the uh, what?
Uh, the makeup. You're wearing makeup. What? Oh I'm mad. Yeah you are, like more than me. You're wearing makeup? Okay fine, I'm wearing a little bit of makeup.
I have a zit. Ew! Wait, thanks a lot. Now everyone knows. You're wearing eyeshadow. Yeah, I have a zit. Like multiple shades. David, what part of I have a zit do you not understand? I guess all of it. And I can clearly see the zit. Yeah, actually it looks like the zit is the one place you're not wearing makeup. I can't believe this. Have you guys never had a zit before?
Sure we have. And Sarah has one right now. Exactly.
So you put a dab of makeup on it. Then some foundation and covered that up. Then eyeliner, shadow, mascara, blush, then set the whole thing off with some powder.
It's not that big a deal.
And the lipstick? The what? The lipstick. You're wearing bright red lipstick. Oh my god, I have a zit. On your lip?
Is this guy stupid? Okay listen, Jeff, we don't care that you used makeup to cover your zit. Yeah, Sarah covered hers. Who wrote this? Hahahaha. Jeff, you made up your entire face.
It must have taken hours. Yeah, the zit is like under my skin. Your fingernails are painted. Yeah, well my dermatologist recommended I see a manicurist. You're wearing a bra. It was a really big zit, okay? Ew.
That's it. I'm outta here. Hey, Sarah. Whoa. That hurts so bad. You can't punch a person three times. I know, I know that now. It was four. |
TheOnion | Brooke_Alvarez_Has_All_The_Answers_Even_About_Particle_Physics | Hello, I'm Brooke Alvarez, and I'm answering your questions today. The first one here says, Brooke, do you like cheese? Yes, I do. Good question. Let's do the next one. This one comes via Facebook from Adam Fural.
He says, girl, do you think the lack of groundbreaking results from the Large Hadron Collider is a sign that the Standard Model has been a successful example of theory anticipating experiment? Hmm. Interesting. Well, it's certainly plausible that the Standard Model's fallibility lies within our compulsion to treat this particular particle physics theory as a soothsayer of sorts into turning the amalgam of data that we expect to gather. And I think the failure of the Large Hadron Collider to discover the elusive Higgs boson already challenges the Standard Model's veracity. However, that being said, our Hadron Collider in the basement of Faxone is actually yielding some amazing results, and it just took our maintenance man Dave giving it a few whacks with a wrench. So maybe that will do the trick. If you'd like to ask me a question, tweet it to my handle, at brookealvarez, or post it to my Facebook wall. |
dropout | Bringing_the_Worst_Thing_to_a_Potluck | Hey! Oh, Lily! You came to the potluck! Yeah, of course!
I hope what I brought is okay. I don't cook a lot. Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine. Um, dishes go right over here, drinks over here, and I'm gonna grab some plates. I'll be right back. People made really nice dishes for this potluck.
Oh no, my cake looks like compared to this stuff. Oh, Lily! Oh no, my cake looks like compared to this stuff. Oh, Lily!
Hey! Excuse me for a second. You made beef wellington! Yep. Those are notoriously hard to make. I admit I took a couple practice tries, but putting in a little bit of effort is pretty important for letting people know that you care. What did you bring? Oh! A cake! I didn't have time to cook.
And it's 50% off. That's a good bargain. You know what?
It's stupid. I should just throw it away.
Hey, you brought something. Yo, you guys. Everything here looks so amazing. I'm embarrassed of what I brought. Oh my god, me too. Ally, you forgot your souffles on the drinks table. Thank you, Teo. Right.
Here are my souffles. You're embarrassed you made souffles? Yeah, I made souffles again. It's like almost embarrassing at this point.
What did you bring? Uh, she brought a cake.
Oh, who's Nuggs? I don't know.
It just was already on the cake at the grocery store. Oh my god, Nate! Oh my god! You brought a whole roast pig? I raised it too. I slaughtered it myself. Aww! What did you bring?
She brought the ice cream cake. It's actually just a regular cake.
Then why is it melting? Because it's very low quality.
Dope. Look, I'm sorry. I thought this was going to be a casual potluck. I'm just going to throw this in the trash before anyone else has to look at it. Too late! What? I said, I'm happy I wasn't too late for dinner. What'd you make? Nothing. Oh good. Katie's more of a deadbeat than I am. No, I just brought a case of chamfers. $60 a bottle of champagne? Yeah, what did you bring? Um, ew. Whose nuggs? We don't know. Look, I messed up. I'm just going to leave.
Wait, Lily, don't leave. She's embarrassed about the nuggs cake. Lily, we don't care that you brought stale grocery store cake that tastes like shoe polish.
What's important is that you're here. Yeah, we want you here. Yeah!
I mean, Ally brought their souffle. Sam's making French 75s.
Let's go! Come on! Let's get away from that! I'm here! No!
The pot looks aren't about food. The pot looks not about the food.
I love the taste of shoe polish. Hey, it's Tao.
If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a small bag of catnip, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. So chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and get exclusive content like Dimension 20. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? Sign up for your free trial today.
Unless you hate fun, which if you do, come to my party on Saturday. It won't be fun at all. |
SaturdayNightLive | suppressex_saturday_night_live | Thanks for picking me up, Uncle Jack. hey, you know I don't mind having to leave work early. you mind giving my friends a ride? Sure, get in. this is no time for an erection. you're damn right, it's not. Hi, I'm Dr. Ricky Lamaine. and for years, I've struggled with having erections at the wrong time. I be at the gym and I see a fat girl on life cycle, or I be watching two cheetahs doing it at the suit. Or I just be at the grocery store watching grown women shop for cucumbers. there's a fear of drugs out there that can help you get it up, but only one that can help you keep your stuff down.
Suppress Sex. I created Suppress Sex after I was at the Super Bowl party and that commercial came on with a real sexy M&m. you know, the green one with the legs. come on, you know she got it going on. Here, take a look at this chart. in just 10 minutes, Suppress Sex to take your sexual arousal from red high heels to crops. to those prescription shoes for people with different size legs. I'm a department store Santa. in my line of work, one accidental erect penis and I could lose my job. two in the same shift and I go to jail. But with Suppress Sex, no one gets a surprise before Christmas. I don't know how suppress sex works. it has some freaky nun juice in it or something. I just know that when I take one, I don't have to worry about getting into a crowded elevator while wearing sweatpants. it's perfect for church, public pools, yoga class, laying face down on water slides, watching old ladies suck on grapes, and standing. uh oh, that cat isn't wearing any pants. Is it suppress sex? Ask your doctor about suppress sex. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | cunk_s_best_questions_part_1_cunk_on_earth | And I'll be asking questions. Who are you? To leading academics, clever notes and expertists who will help me unlock the mystery of human civilization. Why do they say it's a mystery how the pyramids were built when it's obviously just big bricks in a triangle? If someone shouted this aloud, would that have been the first audio book?
In all paintings of Jesus, he comes in two modes, doesn't he? He's either a baby or he's being crucified. Are there any paintings where he's being crucified as a baby?
How do you play an orchestra? Do you blow into it? Or is it one of those ones where you rub a stick on the strings?
It's not fair, is it? When a male scientist like Bruce Banner gets exposed to gamma radiation, he gets to be like a superhero, doesn't he? He gets his own comic book and movie franchise. Marie Curie just gets killed. You know, he got to be the Hulk. That's not fair, is it?
You know, is it the fault of the patriarchy? Also, what is a patriarchy?
Is it possible to think you're someone else? Like, if I thought really hard that I was Eddie Murphy, could I eventually become him? If I did become him, would he become me or would he just disappear? Did Descartes ever cover the stuff? Has a mummy ever ridden a bicycle?
The Greeks were into tragedies. In a tragedy, sad things happen, like people dying or killing themselves. But the ancient Greek tragedies happened ages ago. Are the things that happen in them still sad? But it was so long ago, why should I care? Jesus was killed because people didn't like what he was saying. So could you call him the first celebrity victim of cancel culture?
Her neck's very long. Was she part giraffe or could he just not do necks?
What's it for? You know, what's the point of it? Can I hold that up and look down the end of it or will that shoot me in the eye? It's generally frowned upon. So would getting shot in the eye actually hurt? Because it's just a sort of water bag, isn't it, your eye? I bet it'd just pop and sting a bit, but you'd basically be able to go about your business.
Alexander the Great became a king at 20, conducted a military campaign throughout the Middle East and had an empire stretching all the way from Greece to India by the time he was 30. What did his hair look like? Did Beethoven have an actual full-sized horse living inside his face?
Sorry, I've misphrased that. I mean, was Beethoven good at music? In the Cuban Missile Crisis, which was more dangerous, the cubes or the missiles? Ancient people invented currency to make life on Earth easier, but in doing so, they inadvertently invented capitalism, which is going to kill everyone. Sorry, that's not a question. It's just something I read on Twitter.
And do we know if China has a roof? Is there a great roof of China?
If a Christian won, right, and ate a lion, would they then go forward to the next round? You know, and would they have to eat something else, like a whole horse or something?
Which episode are we in now? Probably something about the Middle Ages. Yeah, but is it like episode three or episode four? I'm afraid I'm not sure. We're both just lost here, aren't we?
This is fucking awful. Obviously, it is fake, because how could they have landed on the moon if the moon isn't real? If this is a simulation, why is the computer making me ask you this?
A lot of revolutions seem to be about poor people overthrowing the rich. Do you think billionaires like Elon Musk should be worried about getting guillotined? What was Renaissance? Was that a sort of 16th century ketchup? So Russia and America had proxy wars, where they'd use other countries to fight with. Is that a bit like picking a character to do your fighting with in Street Fighter II?
Abraham Lincoln was shot in the theatre box, wasn't he? Where is that on the body? How did people see during the day before Edison invented light? It's incredible, isn't it, that we're here now, but that voice came from years ago. If I speak into this trumpet bit, can I ask the person a question about what it's like where they are?
Why do people in old films move so fast? Is it because it was their first time on camera, so they were nervous? Or because it was a silent film, so they couldn't hear the director yelling at them to slow down? I heard that at the early Olympics, athletes had to compete in the nude. They'd have seen right up their bumholes and everything. Couldn't they censor it for people watching it in the auditorium? Modesty patches or something. Or ask people to close their eyes each time someone bends over.
In medieval times, there were lots of paintings of Jesus. How did he find the time to pose for the artist? What was his availability like?
Should there be two social medias, you know, one for people who were right and one for people who were wrong? I mean, I know a lot of people I've put on the wrong one, like wankers. |
ClickHole | finally_this_app_tells_you_whenever_your_parents_are_having_sex | Family has always been important to me. But now that I live across the country from my parents, it's hard to stay in touch.
Parent Pulse keeps me connected. It used to be that I had no way of knowing when my parents were having sex, but Parent Pulse changed everything. It tells me when and where they're having sex and it gives me a way to let them know that I'm thinking about them. With Parent Pulse, you can see how your parents are rating their sex, look back on their sexual history, and share their intimate moments through all your social media accounts. I used to think I was missing out on things, but not anymore. No matter how far away I am, Parent Pulse keeps me up to date on every single carnal act my parents perform. It's amazing. Life is busy, and it's important for me to connect with the people who matter most whenever I get a chance. Parent Pulse lets me be there for all the special moments, whether Dad is deep-dicking Mom in the shower, or they're just having a morning quickie in the marital bed. And you know, that really means a lot to me. |
dropout | web_site_story | when you're on the net on the net you will stay cuz the whole Google Earth is just one click away when you're on the net why would you go outside why be out in the world you could be worldwide I'm so out of shape I'm gonna buy a moo-moo the skateboard escape from back to the future to is now on what's this Maria I met a boy at a bar at a Jason Marazcon no online online well how did he find you I'm on Twitter I'm on Twitter and I'm tweeting I'm singing a song about reading but it's seven characters I'm on Facebook I'm on Facebook and my Facebook updates with my tweet what do you even know about this girl I know she likes Jason Maraz oh boy Tony you're in trouble why you don't know anything about music I've got a secret weapon I just found a site called Pandora I type in bands I know it gives me ones like oh I just found a site called Pandora I'm suddenly like I'm hanging out in hipster bars Tony Maria are going on their date tonight true love on the internet you can't be gay on a hard money hundred percent accuracy 90% of the country why do you guys don't like gay Lawrence come on we're theater majors Maria Tony I was worried you wouldn't get the details I hate there's nothing in emails while I'm waiting your picture was out now I can't wait to read about me later |
dropout | cereal_mascot_therapy_session | It's nice to see everybody here. Who would like to begin?
Well, I would just like to say that I stopped hanging around with Toucan Sam, and I haven't touched a cocoa puff since May 3rd. Three weeks sober. Congratulations.
How does that feel? There's a ringing in my ears, and it feels like my body is eating itself from the inside. Be strong, Sunny. I know what it's like to be a slave to cravings.
Silly rabbit. What did you say? All right. Send it to my face! Oh, rabbit, have you sat the kids down and opened the lines of communication toward a mutually beneficial negotiation? All they understand is red number seven and yellow number five.
Then it sounds like you have to look out for number one. I don't see why you don't just pinch it from the little bastards. Yeah, keep it up, you schmig. That's the kind of attitude that encourages kids to steal from me. How does that make you feel? Ashamed, flabbergasted, it's like they're the smartest kids in the world. Either that, or you're just the stupidest fucking leprechaun. Mr. Crunch, you're out of line. It's Captain. Yeah, like you were ever really in the military. I need a hit. Looks like somebody's off the wagon. Snap, Crackle, and Pop, we've talked about ganging up on others. You need to find your individual voices. What the hell are you guys, anyway? Wendell, you look awfully bitter. It's the taste you can see.
Is your boyfriend's bipolar disorder still causing problems in your relationship?
Fuck you! I'll rip your heart out and snuggle it! It could be worse! You could work for Raisin Bran! You want two scoops of whoop-ass! Ow!
And Tony, how are the antidepressants working out? They're great! Let's get this party started! Follow your nose!
I want my money back. |
SaturdayNightLive | jasper_hahn_and_trina_seville_saturday_night_live | And now an old friend to we can update children's entertainer Jasper Hahn. Everybody hey there, Jimmy Tina, Oh, this is gonna be fun. I brought a new friend along with me. Say hello to Trina Seville. Hey Trina, she's gonna help me to do some of new my new fuzzy buddies. Okay. well, what are you gonna draw for us today? you guys Well actually Jimmy. I'm not gonna draw for you today. You treat are gonna sing some songs, right Trina. Oh, yeah, Jasper. She's nice.
I've got a fan that lives below the sea in a bowl of chowder. He will never be, doesn't like to be, doesn't like to shave, and he lives way down below. I love my stinky beard and I'm a stinky bearded. no, no, that's that's that's really filthy there.
What's the matter with you too, what's wrong with you? What Jimmy? I mean what? Wait, can't a clam have facial hair?
Shame on you Jimmy. Shame. I don't know what you think this song is about, but shame on you.
What are you doing hanging out with this guy? that's for me to know and for you to figure out. Besides, he writes beautiful songs like this one. I love my little kitty. he's as sweet as sugar cane but sometimes he gets in trouble. Let me get my hands on your sweet little pussy.
Absolutely not know it. Yeah, I know, No, I do. I do like you. I do like it. That's not true. In fact, that's a cat. I know what it is. I like it so much.
I'll let you do one more song. Oh thank you thank you, you're welcome. you're gonna love this one. Jimmy. I don't know. you're really gonna love this one.
Yep, he's a chubby old stir. He's a good old good time. The greats who wish if you rub them nicely or slap them like a fish that's Jimmy Fallon. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. |
TheOnion | Al_Qaeda_Calls_Off_Attack_On_Nation_s_Capitol_To_Spare_Life_Of_Twilight_Author | The Department of Homeland Security has confirmed that a terrorist attack on the nation's capital was canceled because it posed too great a risk to Twilight author, Stephenie Meyer. Law enforcement officials were alerted to the plot when a flurry of terrorist chatter was detected by NSA intercepts. We're joined now by terrorism expert Omar Al-Farouq of Al-Qaeda. Thank you for being here, sir. It sounds like the U.S. barely avoided a major attack here.
Is that right? Yes, for the moment.
Al-Qaeda simply could not risk harming the woman who captured the alienation and sexual tension of adolescents so beautifully in her book series. How deadly could this attack have been? We're hearing estimates of five to ten thousand lives. Yes, the devastation would have been shocking. Worse than when PAC leader Sam transformed into his wolf self and slashed his beloved Emily with his magnificent claws. The CIA has information revealing that the cancellation of this attack caused disputes within Al-Qaeda's top ranks.
There have always been factions. Is certain people believe that Stephenie Meyer should be stoned to death for encumbering Jacob Black with so much heartache? I mean, Osama bin Laden himself is a member of Team Jacob. All right, that would explain the photos we acquired last year. Someone had suggested it was related to the Twilight series, but it hardly seemed possible that this could be...
Why? But why?
The themes are universal. Well, perhaps, but still. I mean, the intelligence officials... Oh, yes, the books are for kids. This is what you're thinking, yes? That is the height of arrogance. You know, if you give them a chance, you will be hooked, or my mother is a Jew. I am that certain. Okay, well, the last novel in the Twilight series was published in 2008. Why does Al-Qaeda care if Mrs. Meyers is alive at this point? That is... Wow. I don't believe the filth that is streaming from your lips, you know, she could always resume work on Midnight Sun, or write another book from Renesmee's point of view.
All right, earlier today, Al-Qaeda released video claiming responsibility for the failed attack, as well as another that seems to be a shot-for-shot remake of a scene from New Moon. I will not have empire towards someone in Metlak. Jacob. Yes, that was just Al-Qaeda's reimagining of New Moon. Chris Weitz, the god who directed the original, should be sliced from toe to belly and strung from a tree for what he did to that glorious book. That's all the time we have, Mr. Al-Farouq. Thank you for being with us today.
And now, breaking news, the hard drive containing Shakira's voice has been destroyed in a bus accident. A lot of networks report the news as it happens, but only one has the power to report the news before it happens. Through our state-of-the-art wormhole satellite, the Onion News Network Future Channel brings you exclusive news transmissions from the year 2137, because to stay ahead in today's world, you need to know what's going to happen in tomorrow's. Hard drive containing Shakira's voice has been destroyed in a bus accident. A lot of networks report the news as it happens, but only one has the power to report the news before it happens. Through our state-of-the-art wormhole satellite, the Onion News Network Future Channel brings you exclusive news transmissions from the year 2137, because to stay ahead in today's world, you need to know what's going to happen in tomorrow's. |
dropout | visiting_your_crappy_hometown | Don't you want to get away? For your next vacation, take the trip of a lifetime by visiting the hometown you got the hell out of when you were 18. Your crappy hometown is the perfect destination. Whether you're a college student who couldn't find an internship or a 20-something whose high school friend is getting married. Get a room, you two. Your hometown offers day after hour of fun.
You can visit the zoo and be shocked at how much smaller it is than you remember. Or go to the one nice mall. You know, the one with the Cheesecake Factory.
And talk about nightlife! Visit a sports bar and watch the sad college team everyone here follows. Or see and be seen at a nice sophisticated cocktail lounge where someone might still use the word mentor sexual. Have a great time catching up with friends and hearing them talk about their kids in a way that makes you think they regret them. We have a barbershop where they give you a beer.
That still blows our minds. And so does sushi. And talk about luxury accommodations. We have a million places to stay.
From the half-finished basement in your parents' house to the office that used to be your bedroom. If you need to unwind, try driving around aimlessly until you end up at your old high school. Or walk around that one nice mall. It has one of those fountains that kids play in. Or you could go bowling. That'll kill some time. You could go to church with your mom.
Can you imagine? I mean, she'd freak out she'd be so happy.
Or golf with your dad. Just nine holes so it doesn't get weird. Or three holes. How about a driving range? Maybe just that.
Getting around couldn't be easier. You have to drive. It's somehow less walkable here than either a small town or a big city. Public transportation? Sure. Yes, there is a bus for handicapped people.
And that's about it. When it's time to leave, our airport is practically deserted. Oh, there's my gate. It's one of three.
So make your next trip one to your lame hometown. The next mall has an H&M now.
Hey, it's Graham from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
And sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out?
Because I can like, I can see the top of the camera so it's...
Is this better? All right. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
cracked | 4_movies_that_are_actually_propaganda_yboc_star_wars_top_gun_angry_birds | Where am I? CIA black site. Nobody knows you're here.
Why is there a green screen then? It's for fun. Can I get a drink of water? At least some chicken nuggets?
Not until you list four movies and explain their secret agendas. We never noticed.
And we'll let you go and reinstate your status as a full legal doctor. Oh, that's it? What about that guy I killed? Allegedly. That was like forever ago. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. Did I just start? Please.
So yeah, for as long as there's been a film industry, concerned parents have warned kids that their favorite movies are trying to turn them into violent, promiscuous, saint-worshipping commies. And well, it actually turns out that lots of movies are trying to brainwash you with their secret agendas, though half the time it's not even clear if the filmmakers are aware of it. It's hard to imagine George Lucas having any secret agenda for Star Wars, unless the whole thing was secretly teaching us a lesson about stopping while you're ahead.
What? What did you say?
What many people don't realize, however, is that Lucas actually has some pretty strong political opinions, and he always wanted them reflected in his films. For example, did you know that the classic anti-war film Apocalypse Now was originally his idea? And Lucas was hoping to film it during the actual Vietnam War on location, as in real bullets flying at his real bearded face?
Terminate with extreme prejudice. But no studio wanted to be responsible for Lucas' headless cadaver, so the film ended up with some other guy.
You know, what's his name? He directed the movie where Robin Williams plays a ten-year-old who looks like he's 40.
Lucas instead went on to direct another film, almost as politically charged as Apocalypse Now, called Star Wars. Unwilling to give up fully on his anti-war Vietnam sentiment, just because he was doing a movie about spacemen fighting with laser swords, Lucas modeled Star Wars' central conflict around what he saw as the realities of Vietnam, namely a large technological empire going after a small group of freedom fighters. Yeah, he basically saw the Empire as a stand-in for America, while the Rebellion was just the inevitable result of the overextension of its powers. So Princess Leia is Ho Chi Man, I guess, and Grand Moff Tarkin? More like Gulf of Tonkin.
Charming to the last.
All of this subversive anti-Vietnam sentiment culminated in what's considered the most childish movie of the original trilogy, Return of the Jedi. The film features a small group of technologically inferior vegetation dwelling guerilla fighters who managed to defeat an empire against overwhelming odds. Yeah, Ewoks are our Viet Cong. Come on, sit down. Lucas has consistently claimed a wider political context whose films but says nobody was aware of that. This might be due to his decision to represent years of ugly guerilla warfare as a tickle fight between teddy bears and bumbling half-wits, but maybe it's my fault for not picking up on this galactic brain allegory when I was six. Also, turning every single background character into a toy doesn't exactly scream, nowadays the West finds it as a useful tool to indoctrinate young children into the capitalist system. For once, accusing a movie featuring a sweaty, topless Tom Cruise of being Pentagon propaganda isn't some Infowars conspiracy bullshit with Top Gun.
It's just a matter of dollars and cents. And abs. I mean, this is sick.
Shame on Hollywood, shame on the CIA, shame on the Justice Department.
It turns out that using military equipment, like real equipment, in a movie is expansive if you're too much of a coward to steal a few tanks from your local army base. So, in order to keep costs down, the producers made a deal with the government. They could use warplanes and aircraft carriers for a reduced price if they simply gave up a little creative control. The Pentagon's thinking was they could use the movie as an opportunity to paint the Navy in a better light and maybe even jumpstart a little recruiting action. And Top Gun's producers thinking was probably, now we can allocate more to budget towards additional baby oil purchases.
I'm trying to not get mad here, but I mean, this is ridiculous. And since Uncle Sam had basically bought and paid for the film, the script was tweaked to make sure the military was always portrayed in a realistic light. And by realistic, they meant positive at all times. Some notable changes included ensuring all dogfights occurred over topographically ambiguous land or water so as not to anger any real-life countries, making sure pilots only fired after being fired upon, toning down Mavericks so he was less cocky and more of a team player, and changing Goose's death from a mid-air collision to an ejection scene because apparently the Navy wants to pretend they never crash. I'm just going to assume that the government also demanded the volleyball scene last longer for morale.
But who the hell knows? It's all classified.
They even changed the love interest from another soldier to a civilian, since there were no real female officers at Miramar, and making both lovers male would have been so hot, Navy recruitment would have just spiked right into the twilight, and there'd be no civilians left for, like, you know, to be plumbers or accountants or whatever. But even without turning the movie into broke-back aircraft carrier, the Pentagon's sexy gamble absolutely worked. The movie caused military enlistment to rocket and even coincided with a jump in their national approval in polls. When it was all said and done thanks to Pentagon assistance, Top Gun became little more than a sexually confused piece of badass military propaganda.
But seriously, why did director Tony Scott go along with it? I mean, in his words, I didn't have a vision for what I was doing other than just doing soft porn. I got the guys to get all their gear off in their pants and spray them in baby oil. You know, actually, Tony, it kind of sounds like you did have a vision there. By the way, they didn't just test it, they sprayed them with gay bombs to quote J.R.R. Tolkien.
World War Z so thoroughly deviated from the beloved source material that angry nerds were just forced to respond by making it Brad Pitt's most successful film ever. Minus a brilliant Don Cameo in Deadpool 2.
One of the few things that producers did actually adapt from the book was Israel's zombie apocalypse defense strategy. In both book and film, the country builds a big-ass wall around Jerusalem to keep out all the undead undesirables, making it one of the only spots on Earth to escape the chaos. And already you can see hints of nationalism, if not outright xenophobia. See, the guys who wanted to build a wall to keep everyone out, they were right all along. How did Israel know? Unfortunately, they make one tiny mistake. They let people in. Israelis, deciding that maybe old feuds were less important than humanity's surviving flesh-eating corpses, allowed their one-time enemies and neighbors into the wall for safety. And everybody is surprisingly cool with it, and they celebrate in the Jerusalem town square.
The sounds of reconciliation and healing just piss off nearby zombies so much that they throw themselves at the wall and within minutes create a massive living flesh mountain, allowing hundreds of them to climb over the wall and ultimately massacre all the revelers. That's literally what brings down Israel. They let some peaceful Palestinians inside their fortress, and their happy singing was so odious to zombies that they learned entirely new tactics solely to make them stop singing mbop. Also, no, this is the exact opposite of how it goes in the book. There, problems arise when a few militant Jews rebel against the government for trying to be inclusive of Palestinians. They're actually unsuccessful in keeping Palestinians out, and Israel remains safe anyway. In the movie, it's because of the inclusion that the wall falls. The film's point basically becomes, it may seem like peace between Israelis and Palestinians is passable, but it'll only result in all your flesh being tore off by living corpses.
We intercepted a communique from an Indian general saying they were fighting the Rakshasha. Translation. John Cena!
Alright, let's skip to Angry Birds. My daughter wants to watch it tonight, and I need a solid reason why she shouldn't be allowed to. I mean, I kind of think it's undeniably the best animated movie based on a mobile app to come out in 2016. Start talking, or you're never going to taste freedom or a chicken nugget ever again. Right, so despite being a laughably transparent cash crab, the movie actually boasts pretty solid animation and a surprisingly impressive stable of household-name actors. This isn't starting, though. Okay, but also surprisingly, Angry Birds enjoys an exceptionally staunch anti-immigration message just in case your children haven't yet fully embraced the alt-right. Okay, better. The film's protagonist, Red, is ostracized by bird society for being just too darn angry.
And when bearded, ridiculous, headwear-wearing pigs from across the sea come to the bird's little island, supposedly in peace, nobody listens to Red's reservations. Only he believes these pigs, who have an unhealthy obsession with explosives, may have ulterior motives. Red even questions why the birds are not properly vetting the incoming immigrants, wondering, how do we know they're not criminals? What's a pig? I am a pig. One of Red's suspicions comes from the notion that the pigs have a king while bird society is free and democratic.
He instantly hates and distrusts these weird foreigners for being different, and he is completely right. The pigs betray the birds and blow their island to shit and then steal all of the bird's eggs slash unborn children for food. As a result, the whole island looks like freaking ground zero, which is doubly shocking, because I have an all-good authority that pig fuel cannot melt bamboo beams. Right. Everybody knows that. In response to this act of literal terrorism and child mapping, Red assembles all the birds and trains those liberal pussies to embrace their inner anger, presumably by just having them freely browse Facebook for like five to ten minutes. Oh, man. And once that's achieved, the birds bomb pig island back into the Dark Ages by repeatedly flinging their bodies at the pigs' buildings until they've leveled the entire city, which is weirdly reminiscent of suicide bombings, but none of the birds actually die, so I guess it's just efficient?
Or something? It is a weird movie. Whoa! Take that!
Ultimately, there's no resolution with the pigs where they learn to accept each other's differences. It's just mindless violence and destruction. All that's left is a smoking pile of rubble with pig corpses presumably rotting underneath. In the future, birds will know just kill pigs on sight.
That's perfect. I was explaining to my daughter she can't watch Angry Birds because it'll make her racist, maybe. Oh, cool. Yeah, well, I'm going to head out. So, can I have this mic, by the way? Sure, out of here. Is it this way? Yeah, a third door on the right.
Just saw Kathy. I said you all good. She'll give you your doctor cut back and some drugs so you forget what's ever happened.
Kathy! Your traitor! For once. Oh, shit. Dave!
Is this a word that this is actually too hidden? Too fast. Maybe even too furious. |
TheOnion | Trekkies_Bash_New_Star_Trek_Film_As_Fun_Watchable | Turning to entertainment, Star Trek fans are decrying the latest film in the long-running series as a fun and watchable, action-packed thrill ride. Yes, it was exciting, but where was the heavy-handed message about tolerance? Where was the stiff acting? I mean, it just didn't seem like a Star Trek movie to me. I'm just really, really disappointed that this storyline made sense. If I wanted to see young, attractive people doing cool, exciting things, you know, I'd go watch sports.
And with us now to discuss the backlash is entertainment reporter, Brie Lindsay. Hi, Glenn. Brie, is this Star Trek as riveting as the fans are complaining it is? Glenn, early reviews are calling it a delightful action-adventure movie and a sure-fire hit.
No wonder the fans feel betrayed here. Apparently there isn't even one scene set at a long table in which interstellar diplomacy is debated in endless detail. Really?
I understand fans were angry that the Klingons' dialogue was subtitled because it allows the Klingons to be understood by people who haven't studied the imaginary language for years. Yes, but most fans were more upset by the look of the movie. Heart-stopping chases, state-of-the-art CGI, and alien battle scenes that don't just look like two out-of-shape guys in bad makeup fighting awkwardly. That's a real slap in the face for Trek fans. Right, yes, but I think the bigger issue is that fans felt like Star Trek belonged to them and now the studio has turned it into something people will actually like. What about the casting of up-and-coming young actor Chris Pine as James T. Kirk instead of the aging, bloated William Shatner? Well, of course, that announcement was a huge disappointment for fans and Shatner alike. A lot of the fans have been saying that this movie sullies the vision of someone called Gene Roddenberry.
Right, yes. Gene Roddenberry was the hack who created the Star Trek television show way back in the 40s or something. So, is Paramount doing anything to combat all this negative press, Brie? Yes, they are. They've announced the DVD release will feature a special cut just for the Trek fans with three hours of extra footage in which characters stand around debating the merits of saving the Andorian ambassador from the surface of Silax 4 until you just wish everyone was dead.
Well, that should be some consolation. Thanks, Brie. Thanks, Glenn. Earlier today, Paramount released this statement to ease fans' concerns.
We stand behind this film and firmly believe that in a few years it will seem just as dated and cornball as previous Star Trek films. Moving on now, an elderly black woman is still following President Obama around and shedding a single tear whenever he does anything. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Aaron_Chen_Star_of_FISK_and_Award_Winning_Comedian_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | Close your eyes and soak in the smells of The Last Video Store, the only podcast and YouTube show that talks to interesting people about the films that they love in the style of a video store rental combo.
My name is Alexei Taliopoulos and I am the titular clerk of The Last Video Store and I'm going to tell you this on the show today we're talking to one of my favorite people one of the funniest comedians in the whole world I'm gonna say it on the record right now one of the funniest freaking comedians in the whole world my dear buddy Aaron Chen is joining us on the show you know Aaron from Fisk you know him from his stand-up comedy special that is on YouTube and you also know him from the upcoming or maybe out by the time this episode is coming out or coming out soon season two of Taskmaster Australia uh Aaron and I have been friends for such a long time we've collaborated and wrote lots of things together and uh yes I always love talking to movies with him that's probably the backbone of our friendship and if I'm really honest and introspective the backbone of how I interact with almost any single person on this earth so uh while Aaron and I do have a special bond and friendship now that I think about it I that's how I talk to everyone and um you everyone watching this or listening this is more aware of that than I am until this point you all knew that about me and I just discovered it in the moment but anyway we're going to be joined by Aaron Chen let's get into his discussion about some of his favorite freaking movies and then it shall be upon me to recommend him a film that he has yet to see but might love based on his taste so let's get into the last video store with me and Aaron Chen well well well if it isn't my dear old friend Aaron Chen thanks for having me on this show I've um watched heaps of movies I'm a real movie guy very knowledgeable so it makes sense that I'm it absolutely makes sense I'm feeling a force of synophilia emanating from your brain as my brain connects to it inside this fantastical realm full of film movies and even the biggest of them all cinema holy smokes yeah smoke me forgotten brother this is the place to do so but Aaron I'm very excited to talk to you about films today and I want to kick things off by asking you have you ever been a member of another video store a member of another video store yes I have been oh I've used my um that I think my dad was a member of Blockbuster and I got um do you remember which Blockbuster I think there was one in like Mount Cola or Mount Keringai or something it was like wow I lived in Asquith yeah do you know this suburb no I don't know it I know Asquith where you're from though Asquith I'm from there and I remember not going south to Hornsby although there was like a video easy in Hornsby I went to the video easy in Hornsby that was one of my video stores I think that was um really growing up yeah my dad lived in Eastwood so I had to like jump that way a lot so I used to go there was a video easy in Hornsby and there was also video I think video easy in Eastwood that would go to as well yeah but they I would never consider them my home video stores I was just a visitor an interlock but if you will okay what was your home one my home one I worked at one of the movies in Annandale oh wow I had a top video in Dulwich Hill and there was a video easy and like I too but tell me about this Mount Cola Mount Cola Blockbuster I think it was Blockbuster I can't remember there was a video store somewhere and I got videos there sometimes but it was like just me watching them because my dad would take me but then I started getting video games oh okay and then one time I wanted to get out a video game that was like a um maybe like GTA or similar to that something quite treacherous I had to get my dad to go to the counter because I wasn't allowed to do it and he was like okay and then he took it and then he read the like the little rating and he's like sex you can fuck in this game okay let's get it for the whole family it was bad and then and my like family friend was there like this older woman and they all thought I was like a pervert it sounds like a moment that may have shaped the rest of your life yeah yeah wow did you ever get to play Grand Theft Auto um I did I played Vice City later in life yeah and maybe GTA 5 well I hope one day you get to have sex with a virtual prostitute sex worker in any kind of virtual space uh I'm glad that I never was allowed to take that game out were you able to one week is not enough in just one week I mean you would have to give up a lot of your life yeah I hope you didn't pick up any movies at the same time because there will be huge distractions from you trying to build a crime empire in a virtual Miami city look-alike yeah well you know I think that's a beautiful story to take me back into the world of you video games rentals and your father's a watchful eye of his son's virgin hormonal growth very watchful well you know Aaron you and I have shared a lot of movies together over the past and I've seen I'm going to send you out to pick up some combo of movies yeah we've got a special here just for you well anyone that comes onto this program not just for you but I want to make you feel special for at least three seconds while I said it did you feel special yeah okay well it worked yeah I always feel special around you make anyone feel special wow that's it I emanate a positivity that is hard to capture yeah hopefully this audio and video form does capture it in some way uh but I'm gonna send you out pick up some movies one new release title which is any film from the last five years two weeklies and then the honor will be upon me to bestow upon you a customized recommendation based on you your taste and the flicks that you've discussed with me on this program so head on out pick them up let's come back and chat about them new release all right Aaron you have got a beautiful stack of movies for a beautiful charming fella yes these movies have inspired you they've touched minds they've touched hearts and hopefully they've touched artistic processes for you yeah maybe maybe quite a bit these are some of the movies that have watched the most times like I can never answer the question like what's your favorite movie or stuff like that because I don't I like every movie I see I think you and I similar in that regard where we're more inclined to like something than dislike something and see merits in things like for me it's like if I see one thing in a movie I like oh well I loved that movie I forget that like the rest of it's bad you know if it ends nicely and there's like some exciting stuff I'll like it yeah I reckon there's like five movies I haven't liked in the past but these are the movies that I must like because I kept going back to um you're are you a revisitor of films often rarely watcher rarely but if I like something a lot I'll like plays on your mind yeah even movies that I really like I can't watch it like twice but wow if I watch something twice it's pretty nice so these three films are pretty nice in that respect yes well let's talk about your overnight title first which has recently just been returned to the video store by Angela White who picked it up most recently yes uh and this might be the last time it's an overnight new release title this is one of my favorite films in the last few years I know it's one of yours not just because you picked it because you and I were fucking obsessed with this movie when it came out we're of course talking about the film from the safty brothers uncut gems we love it yeah cult what made you pick this movie and what is the thing that kind of keeps you coming back and back to this film I think when it was coming out it was so exciting because it was like safty brothers were hot at the time I think I'd just seen good time and stuff like that and it's like I like them but it was like hearing that Adam Sandler was in it and was gonna wear cool clothes and be like he's gonna there's a furby in it there's basketball players there's uh the the weekend's about to be hot in it oh my god exciting it was an intoxicating time right yeah I remember like years before this had even been at the like a little you know a sparkle in the safty brothers eyes I thought that I put it out into the universe and made a bet that within 10 years Adam Sandler's gonna win an Oscar yeah when this film started happening like god I feel something I feel that happening I probably was like the Howard Ratner I was like I'm putting I could put money on this and pull in big pull in big you thought he was gonna get the Oscar yeah but I also I when I say made a bet it was me and Cameron James saying we both think that you'll win an Oscar in 10 years so we both have better got the same thing against no one but just our I guess fate in the universe yes and we didn't pull it off but we got freaking mighty close we didn't even get a nom but um it also felt like kind of the last movie because I remember it's just before the pandemic it came out I watched it in the cinemas twice sat in like the front row one time and that's a horrible front row movie because it's so the camera's like never still you're too close to the anxiety of the film when you're in the front row yeah I always forget that it's an anxious film I just remember that it's like Adam Sandler and he's cool I don't feel like a lot of people go oh it's the most stressed I've ever been but I'm like no no I find this quite a calming presence for me this movie because I'm just seeing things that I like like I love |
cracked | the_sudden_urge_to_poop_in_a_bookstore_is_called_the_mariko_aoki_phenomenon | The sudden urge to take a shit after entering a bookstore is known as the Mariko Aoki phenomenon. In 1985, a 29-year-old woman contributed an essay to Japan's Book Magazine that stated that, "...whenever I go to the bookstore, I am struck by an urge to move my bowels."
After the publication became clogged with reports from others who were afflicted by the same reader's digest, Mariko Aoki's letter became a full-flushed phenomenon, and for decades it's been extensively studied. Surveys have found that up to a quarter of the Japanese population claims to experience Aoki, that it's up to four times more prevalent in women, and it's uncommon among sporty males, which makes sense considering those types might not spend a ton of time with books. Plenty of theories have tried to explain the phenomenon.
The smell of ink and paper has a laxative effect. Browsing posture encourages bowel movement. Natural onset discomfort after seeing another Bill O'Reilly murder title in the bestseller section. But according to a doctor who spoke with men's health about book bowels, there simply isn't enough scientific evidence to conclude that reading on the toilet has conditioned the body for active duty at Barnes and Noble. Though it is worth noting that Amazon has found tremendous success in bringing a bookstore into the privacy of your own home. Whenever I go to the bookstore, I am struck by an urge to move my bowels.
After the publication became clogged with reports from others who were afflicted by the same reader's digest, Mariko Aoki's letter became a full-flushed phenomenon, and for decades it's been extensively studied. Surveys have found that up to a quarter of the Japanese population claims to experience Aoki, that it's up to four times more prevalent in women, and it's uncommon among sporty males, which makes sense considering those types might not spend a ton of time with books. Plenty of theories have tried to explain the phenomenon.
The smell of ink and paper has a laxative effect. Browsing posture encourages bowel movement. Natural onset discomfort after seeing another Bill O'Reilly murder title in the bestseller section. But according to a doctor who spoke with men's health about book bowels, there simply isn't enough scientific evidence to conclude that reading on the toilet has conditioned the body for active duty at Barnes and Noble.
Though it is worth noting that Amazon has found tremendous success in bringing a bookstore into the privacy of your own home. |
cracked | death_who_s_coming_boo_dinner | Oh my god, Dan! Your family's getting murdered! Oh, they're all gonna die!
Okay. Now, I'm sure you're all wondering why I asked you here. Uh, this is... I'm just coming to you now. This is literally my first moment of consciousness since I went to sleep last night. Did you... dress me? Noted. Now, on this first slide, you're just gonna get an overview for the presentation. My abstract, if you will. Hey, did you hot glue the door shut? Ooh! Dan, you don't wanna stand up, buddy. Okay.
Now, try and stay conscious, cause this next slide is a little more complicated. There's no paint. The message couldn't be clearer.
There's gonna be a dinner party at my house on Saturday. Host will provide food, drink, ample seating, an assortment of prostitutes, and ice. Okay? All outside drink must be consumed 50 feet from the premises. Outside prostitutes can be consumed on premises.
There will be a trampoline. There may be fun times, giggle hugs, and bunny-nugging, but only if my connect crazy Raul comes through. There he is. In conclusion, Dan, will you be my best friend? I happen to want to take Manny somewhere other than a place where I show up and it turns out she's not there.
Sure. A dinner party at your party might sound... Uh-huh. Nice. A dinner. Sure. Your house. Alright.
I'm sorry, I think this paint is making me... House paint at the house paint, yeah. I think the paint... I understand everything you're saying. I'm just gonna take a quick, quick cat, paint, and then I think, well, right here on this table.
One more. Let's get you home, buddy. Do you see it? Look for a... like a giant spider. There should be a giant spider in the house right next to that one. Why didn't you get his address?
I don't... I have a lot of paint right before him, so I wasn't super sharp. Oh. Okay, well, that makes sense. Really? Yeah, but, like, you hucked a lot. I just feel like you should be more concerned. That's what I'm reacting to. Not the amount... not how paint works.
Calm down, Dran. Dran?
What? Are you kidding me? Ah! The... Michael! Hey, guys. Look who finally made it.
No! Nobody get her!
Dan, you have got to meet my dear friend, Crazy Raul. Uh... hi.
Please don't look at my face. Oh, uh, and this is my lovely wife, Griselle. Let her out of the car, at least. Shh! What big Gris doesn't know about the back of my car isn't gonna hurt her, huh?
You're telling me that you have a homeless wife in addition to your homeless mistress? And that you live with her... in a home? Mmm! Big pimpin'! There you go.
And they look petrified. Don't drink those! They're for show.
So, uh, how many people are gonna show up here? Hey, I don't come to your house and make you do math. Uh, I think what she means is... Please reassures that more people other than you, us, a homeless lady, and your drug dealer are gonna be here tonight. Because I seem to remember you saying that everyone was gonna show up. You remember that? Dude, you were like six cams deep! Yeah, and I assume that included at least one of the dozens of co-workers we interact with every single day. You seem to. I'm gonna go mingle.
What? With who? Have... take it... So I'm trying really hard to impress Maddie tonight. And I came... and here... And I feel like the least that you can do in return is... is change... Just everything about yourself. The whole thing. Is that... Yeah? Dude, if you wanna put your d**k somewhere, mine's been that badly. Just jam in the CD tray next time you're at your desk. I'm gonna go mingle. With who? What the hell was that?
Of my eight wives, six betrayed me. The other two also died.
You're single? Hey, babe, uh, wanna get out of here? It turns out I make pretty bad decisions when I've been drugged. Sure. This guy made me horny anyway. What are we still doing here? War... war... You guys... are you guys taken off? Yes.
You haven't seen the trampoline. I slashed on it. Raul slashed the trampoline for you.
And you gotta meet Boners. Boners!
Michael, Michael, as much as I would love to stick around and verify that that's a dog's name, I have to go, okay? I have to go. But, hey, we still... we still tight, though? Yeah, I understand. Good.
We won't! There he is! Jeez, Dan, you gonna fall asleep at every meeting? It's an in-joke we have.
What's happening? What's going on? Where's Mandy?
Oh, she had to bail. She left you a note, though. She also said to say you're broken up. But that she didn't want to put it in the note because it would be a waste of time, which I thought was weird, because she had sex with most of...
I think, yeah, all of us, which took hours. So it's like, really? How much of a hurry are you in, you know? But anyway, your double down's cold, I'm sorry. That's fine.
Was the sex good? My homeless wife is right, okay? Mandy treated you like crap. And frankly, I, for one, am glad you decided to stay. Wow. Michael, coming from you, I mean, that really means a whole...
Gasp! Sir, you forget yourself! I didn't decide to stay here, Michael. You knocked me unconscious, and you kept me here. It's called Inception. You drugged me twice, in 36 hours! You gotta get to a deeper dream, little bitch.
Raul, I swear to God. Raul is right.
You were dreaming like a little bitch. This word's not mine. Oh, I'm sorry! Am I the bad guy? Am I the one who always has to tell it like it is, and ruin life, and situations?
I'm leaving. I'm leaving, I'm leaving, I'm leaving. I'm leaving this American beauty fever dream that you've concocted. Griselda, you have a lovely home. I'm leaving.
Really, exactly. Dammit! Don't you see all of this? The drugs, the boners, group sex, you know, a dinner party?
I did this all to impress you. I am impressed, Micarino. I'm the most impressed.
Dammit! What's wrong?
I was just impressing you to impress Dan. Your opinion means nothing to me. But I won't give up. You'll see, Dran Auburn, one day we will be best friends, or die trying.
Michael, I need Mandy's number. She wouldn't text me.
Got it. Oh, it worked. I'm gonna pretend it didn't for a little while, but thank you. And no more pain. No more pain. You got it, compadre.
I think that's about the depth of our relationship right now. Yeah, and I'm comfortable with that. I'm comfortable. Me too.
Ha ha. No more pain. No... Drugs in somewhere. Something with your brain.
What are we talking about? Paint. That's what we're not gonna do. Not gonna do paint.
Better write that down. Please do. Goodnight. I don't write. Usually when I can avoid it.
Or die trying. |
dropout | why_funerals_are_a_total_ripoff_adam_ruins_everything | What do you think his last words were? Probably whoops or ouch. The concept of last words is as silly as the rest of this.
Wait, are you trying to ruin funerals? This is how people grieve. Yeah, which is why it's so tragic that the American funeral industry needlessly exploits that grief for profit. Case in point, the expensive and useless process of embalming, which was popularized during the Civil War.
After Lincoln was assassinated, the government paraded his corpse around the country in order to showcase the hero's sacrifice. But that's not what the people took away from it. Oh my gosh, Abe has been dead for weeks and he still looks fly as hell. Honestly, anyone who is anyone gets pumped full of chemicals.
But for those of us whose bodies aren't going on tour, embalming is totally pointless. Why would you need to be preserved right before they bury you in the dirt? Isn't the whole point to decompose? Excuse me, embalming gives dignity to the deceased.
Yes, it's respectful. Respectful?
What do you think embalming is? It's like a spa day for a dead body. Exactly, don't correct her. Embalming is the least respectful thing you can do to a body. First, the jaw is wired shut, the eyes are sealed with glue, then the internal organs are punctured and drained through a hole in the abdomen. After that, they pump the arteries full of formaldehyde and stuff the internal cavities full of cotton. Okay, stop, enough, enough, enough, I don't want to peek in front of a dead body. Fair enough, but the entire process is a pointless waste of time because even though funeral directors tell their vulnerable grieving customers, embalming is necessary if you want an open casket.
And? It keeps the body safe and sanitary. None of it is true, refrigeration is cheaper and just as effective as embalming and the World Health Organization states that dead bodies pose nearly no health risks to the living. It's safe to touch them. Here, watch.
That's weird. Yeah, but it's still safe, which is ironic because formaldehyde isn't safe. It's a carcinogen. Why do we still do this?
Just one reason, these guys charge a grave load of money to do it. Let's not talk about the body so much, let's talk about how beautiful this casket is. Yeah, it better be beautiful. It's one of the most expensive things you'll ever buy. All homes can charge upwards of 10 grand for a coffin.
The lid is titanium steel. It's lined with mink fur and it comes with free Wi-Fi.
It's what Pop-Up would have wanted. Do you have any cheaper options? Well, for those who don't love their Pop-Up, we do have this, my loved one deserved to die model. You will need to decide quickly, the funeral is tomorrow. Pop-Up would have wanted the Wi-Fi. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Hell, you might as well be buried with $10,000 in cash. Well, it's nice to support local businesses. Actually, a lot of local funeral homes are owned by a mega corporation named SCI that buys up mom and pop shops but keeps the old name so no one notices. They really are a cash cow. They can't make that much money. Well, maybe you'll leave SCI Treasurer Aaron Foley who told investors, we really are a cash cow.
Because you didn't confront your mortality and decide how you'd want to be buried while you were still alive, Murph will probably bankrupt himself getting you a regular funeral. Oh, man. In fact, because you didn't plan ahead, everything about your death will suck. And I'll explain why right after this. I know I'm literally dying, but you are the worst part of my day.
Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you liked that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Readings Everything, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on TruTV. It's going to ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. |
dropout | big_boobs_then_try_two_sports_bras | Normal sports bras don't give you the support you need. I can't do anything with these meat sacks.
Luckily, there's a solution. Two sports bras, the latest innovation in female athletics. The first time I tried two sports bras, I was like, hey, this will work for now. Our cutting-edge technology takes one sports bra and puts another one on top of it. A sports bra can feel like a prison for your boobs. But with two sports bras, it's maximum security. Our patented design gives you two times the support, two times the bounce reduction, and three times the armpit cleavage. Plus, if I wear two sports bras and hold my boobs when I run, it's almost like being not uncomfortable. Almost. Two sports bras is unbelievably easy to take care of. When my bottom bra gets stanky, I just rotate it to the top.
Who cares?
Because if dudes had tits, we'd have this thing figured out by now. From the people who brought you wearing black underwear instead of a tampon. |
dropout | should_st_patrick_be_a_woman_prank_news_network | Hi, we're here in Queens, New York today to prove that people believe anything you say about St. Patrick's Day if you look like a newsman and are holding a microphone. So this year, the White House is hosting a pot of gold hunt, much like the Easter egg hunt that's held annually.
Since they are using real gold, should taxpayers be footing the bill? Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. Is that tax dollars going? Is this a waste of taxpayer dollars? Yes, it is a waste of taxpayer dollars, but you don't actually have to give gold away in this economy.
It should be with the gold foil chocolate. Yeah. That's all.
That's something new that taxpayers haven't had to previously pay for, especially gold. It's actual gold you're saying they're using. Absolutely not. Little kids don't know the difference between real gold and fake gold.
For the celebration at the White House, they are going to be hiring little people to play leprechauns. Do you think that's bad for the administration to do that, or is it just work is work for those actors? Work is work for the actors, I think. They would have fun themselves.
I'm sure. I mean, they're not doing against their will. I mean, personally, if they're signing up to do it, then go for it. It's slightly insensitive, but I mean, if they're willing to do it, then that's fine.
What if they just hired really short actors instead of little people? All right, because that's like either they're taking a job away from little people and trying not to offend anyone. I don't know. What's the difference between the little people and I don't get it? Just somebody who's very short, but not genetically a little person.
Each year, the Vatican selects a celebrity, Patrick, to serve as the face of St. Patrick's Day. It has traditionally been a white male. Is it time for that to change? You can say that. It doesn't matter who. As long as they're into it, I don't... I'm not a prejudiced person, so... Whoever they put in, they're put in for a reason. It's been traditionally white. That's what it's been. I mean, I don't think there's racism involved in that. I just think that's the way the cards have been dealt over the time, but... It doesn't matter what color you are. If you're wearing green, you're Irish, it's St. Patrick's Day. Let's do it.
Ex-basketball player Patrick Ewing offered up his services to be St. Patrick this year, but was rebuffed. Do you think they should have taken him into consideration? Sure. I mean, great role model, great basketball player. Patrick Ewing would have been a great choice. Patrick Ewing wants to do it, let Patrick Ewing do it. He's a great guy. Children look up to him.
Why not? I didn't even know the name had to be Patrick. Some are saying that it might be time for a female face to St. Patrick. Perhaps Danica Patrick or Oscar winner Patricia Arquette. Do you think that would be a good move? Like Danica Patrick, Patricia Arquette, I don't know. Next year, the church is changing St. Patrick's Day to St. Patricia's Day in order to support gender equality.
Do you think that this is a progressive move by the church or a cheap political move? Cheap political move, I believe. I feel like I appreciate the effort, but why? Just trying to score political points.
There's no reason to change St. Patrick's Day to St. Patricia's Day. Patricia isn't a guy's name, so how is it equal? It'd be Patricia and Patrick if it was equal.
So last year, Catholic scholars discovered nude texts that revealed surprising details about St. Patrick's life. For one, he was an outspoken atheist. He posed nude for portrait artists. He betrayed his good friend Galileo and turned him into the church. Should his sainthood be rescinded? No, I don't think so. I mean, it was messed up, but he was sainted after he died. So I don't know who we posed nude for, but that's up to him, you know? No, I think he should remain the same. Should the Vatican finally pull those paintings out and show them to the world?
Of course, why not? Why not? I don't see any reason why not. |
cracked | worst_celebrity_obituary_ever_written_agents_of_cracked_episode_11 | Hey everyone and welcome to the Crackederium collection of Agents of Cracked season one presented for the first time in such High definition that if you look carefully you can see Dan's penis in every shot of the season Even the ones he's not in so look forward to that and hey stay tuned at the end for some little Anecdotes some little behind-the-scenes stories get to know each other a little bit Name the movie quote what Wrong babe the rooster for babe during that one part I also would have accepted animal farm hook I think KFC commercials just a regular farm Was mighty Joe young a rooster. How are you doing here? Seven in the morning. I've been here a couple hours. I do work here Don't I?
Yeah, but I've never seen you in the office before noon and where were you yesterday? Yeah, I'm running a little late late. It's not even eight Wait, are you saying that you're 22 hours late for work yesterday? What day is it? No wait that won't help Is it the day with loss or the day with house?
Did you finish your article it goes up in about five? My brain is telling me that I did but you probably want to check it Okay, I'm seeing something for you here. Is it great? My brain's telling me it is oh Right Yeah, boy, it's like 5,000 words making rough But tender love to your eye sockets first the left one and then the other one Michael Nicolas Cage died last night I've read about it on The New York Times. No, uh-huh the police still haven't found it Michael where were you last night? Oh, no, it wasn't me I was trolling for women at the Planned Parenthood. Oh, thank God for that I guess but do you know what this means this is the timeliest thing ever You're right because I was writing about how I hope Nick Cage dies and then run this article the chief will kill us So what we're gonna do a full rewrite in Three minutes three minutes, okay.
I got a login is you what's your password right swordfish? It's not swordfish It's never swordfish. You always say swordfish.
Well, then that's probably it isn't it so you don't know it then I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean your password. You don't know what it is. I don't know what you're getting it How is that possible?
Gonna log in as an admin. See now through your password. We could just name all the gayest horses like gay biscuit secret gay riot See gay skit now those are horses. Okay, I'm in now. Let's let's see how much this we can actually use It's easy.
You just changed Nicolas Cage's name throughout the whole article. We'll call him Nicholas turd actor and then on the photo shops you just add a mustache that doesn't make any sense He's already got a mustache in like half of these double stash it. That's all right. Okay, wait So we change it to another actor someone who everybody hates and is probably gonna die soon. Okay Clint Eastwood. Oh, no, Andy Dick. Uh, there's no time. It's gotta stay as Nick Cage Wait, how about instead of saying that we want him to die? We just say we hope he burns in hell.
I'm getting rid of like half of this. Oh, that's like 80% of it Okay, instead of running from the tragedy we embrace it. We'll make it a trip. Yeah That's good, but we can still keep the line about me sodomizing his corpse, right? Like as a tribute. No, shut up I'm trying to concentrate And we hope his children will keep warm his memory body of Corporate live on forever Tiny horse loving black heart colleagues everywhere black heart and I'm cool Cool.
Is this a picture of you wearing a suit made out of Nicolas Cage's skin? I have photoshopped I just wore someone else's skin suit and then put his face on it.
Bingo. Bingo still in fact More so horrible, right, but we're keeping it in your several steps behind me Are you saying you killed and skinned a guy no time only one minute left, right? Think Michael think I know I had this really bad taco at the pier the other day why don't we start on the Hollywood Walk of Fame will be awash in the tears shed by Fans and colleagues alike and on this tragic day none will shed more than I Feel sick by Michael's way. All right, three seconds left Okay, uploaded. We did it. Oh Yeah about this this suit skin is it someone we'll talk to you Hey chief Uh-huh. Yeah, I came in early to do it Well, I wouldn't say it's my best work, but thank you Yeah, I'd love a raise. Yeah, I'm kind of a Nick Cage expert who was a real cliffhanger. I think he was No, I'm pretty sure you're wrong.
Well, whatever. Yeah, just send her over to my apartment Latex is fine. Bye. She says I can knock off for the rest of the day.
Hey, what's Nick Cage and cliffhanger? No, huh? Well, look who's talking now. I don't See, can I borrow your car buddy? I drove mine into a lake for reasons that are no longer clear to me if I say no, is that good to have a thanks I'll bring her back in one piece or at least her skin, huh? So this episode gets special distinction is the only episode of the season not written by one of us and it's really I'm aggravated by how good it is because I was written by David Wong who has never written a sketch or an episode of anything before in his entire life and then wrote this Self-contained all happens in one location all in one span of time and it's such a tight really like well put together Sharp episode and it's unfair that he is so good at that.
Yeah, and it's got sodomized corpse. Yeah, it's got a The phrase double stash it. Yeah, which is It's a catchphrase that my friends back home now use to solve any problem But I was ever worried about something I just say double stash it and I do recall that that thing where I was up on the cubicle and I slipped down into The chair hurt very badly |
dropout | wifi_prostitutes | You looking for some Wi-Fi? Are you available? You want to connect with me sexy? Definitely. Yo man, you went in on that department Wi-Fi here.
You got to give me a password, motherfucker. What? WEP, motherfucker. 128-bit key, all right? You give me that shit up front, and she's all yours. Look, I don't have a password, so what about one of them? Internets, land of the lost, apartment 14B, why, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck, all them bitches is protected. So if you ain't got no WEP, for me, you best be moving on. Hey, big boy, you look like you can use a connection. I don't have a password, okay?
Sorry to waste your time.
Sugar, you don't need a password with me, I'm wide open. How can I be sure? Just asking a laptop all over the block, I've probably been with her.
So do you want on me, or what? I want on you so bad. Tell me what you want to see, baby.
Give me Google. I want you to give me Google.
Oh! Google's all yours, you like that? Oh, I like it so much.
Show me Facebook. Oh, and YouTube. Okay, show me Facebook and YouTube at the same time.
Oh, I feel so good when we're connected. I love giving you data.
Give me Gmail. I want you to give me Gmail, baby. Oh, I'm going to give it to you so soon. Okay, so then give me Gmail, baby. Hmm, I want to give it to you so bad. Okay, so give it to me then.
Not right now, baby. I'm feeling a little faint. Come on, baby, please.
Oh, Sugar, you knew it wouldn't last. It was so good. It was, baby, it was.
Come back and see me sometime, okay, Sugar? No! I need you. Scan yourself a virus, by the way. Ah! I don't have a password, okay? Oh! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_sarah_sherman_and_marcello_hernandez_snl | Well, everyone, Democrats have retained control of the Senate. I don't know if that's really official, but we're not a real news program, so I'm just going to call it. I was actually surprised they won, given President Biden's low approval ratings. I guess Biden's kind of like the Jurassic World movies. you know, extremely successful despite a 42 percent rating. Republicans, by the way, are not taking it well. Tucker Carlson, seen here struggling to make it through no nut, November. he criticized the voting pro. you guys are all doing it, too.
Okay. .criticized the voting process and called electronic voting machines a threat to democracy. I'm actually not that worried about the voting machines. I'm worried that they're being operated by the oldest people I've ever seen.
Truly, this year, the woman who gave me my ballot was wearing two stickers, one that said i voted and another that said I survived the Titanic. the key senate race in Georgia between Raphael Warnock and Herschel Walker will move on to a runoff in December, but Walker has offered Warnock $500 to just, you know, take care of it, baby. Many Black voters in Georgia were frustrated with another runoff election because the burden of saving the Senate fell on them once again. it's happened so often, there's already a movie about it. in a speech yesterday, Herschel Walker called America the greatest country in the United States. But on the plus side, at least he has a general idea of where he is. Walker then apologized for misspeaking, saying, i know I'm not always the sharpest tool in the refrigerator. Senator Mark Kelly defeated challenger Blake Masters in the Arizona Senate race. Masters can now return to his true passion of, I'm going to guess, strangling hitchhikers? President Biden said that he plans to run again in 2024, but won't make a final decision until early next year, because it's like his doctor told him, I wouldn't plan too far ahead. After this year's election, a record-setting 12 states will have female governors, while the other 38 states will have dinner ready on time. a 25-year-old from Florida will become the first Gen Z member of Congress, younger, said Matt Gaetz.
Rupr Murdoch this week officially turned on Donald Trump. First, the New York Post ran a cover calling Ron Desantis Ron Defuture, even though Ron Defuture sounds more like a drag queen from outer space. Then, on Thursday, the post showed Donald Trump as an egg sitting on a wall with the headline Trumpy Dumpty, which had to be the easiest photoshop job in history. And now, Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about Ron Desantis. for example, did you know Ron Desantis is in charge of a state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets?
Apple is saying that Covid in China. Apple is saying that Covid in China has led to a slowdown in iphone production.
Wow. so I guess a new variant does affect children. Love this crowd. nearly half a billion dollars was spent in California on campaigns aimed at legalizing sports gambling online, but failed by a wide margin, said supporters of the bill. Okay, double or nothing. exit polls from this year's midterms show that Latinos were a larger share of the electorate than ever before. here to tell us why he was inspired to one day run for President is Jose Suarez. welcome, Jose. so do you think of yourself as a republican or a democrat?
I'm just happy to be here, Colin. everybody complaining all the time about everything. Guess what? he's fine. everything is basically fine. And that's going to be my campaign slogan. Jose Suarez, everything is basically fine. so relax, okay? he's fine. Wow. well, that is a refreshing outlook.
Yes, exactly, Colin. what do people complain about anyway? my gas is too expensive. loose flash, Ever heard of legs? My mother walked almost a hundred miles to work every day, and her left leg didn't work. she had to pull it. doesn't make any sense. And inflation, Colin. everybody complains inflation is so bad. the price of milk is too high. how about just don't drink milk? who's even complaining about the price of milk? the babies? Or you drink milk, Colin? I mean, maybe just a warm glass before bed.
And the wi-fi, Colin. everybody complains, ooh, the wi-fi is too slow, the wi-fi. my poor little wi-fi. I don't think that's a major complaint. growing up in Cuba, Colin, there was no wi-fi. it was only why. Why is it so hot? why didn't the power go out? Why is the President taking all our stuff? Colin, if you want something in America, you press a button on your phone and Jeff Bezos send it to your house. what are we complaining about? can we go back and say you were born in Cuba?
Well, then you can't run for President, right? I don't think anybody really gonna care about that, Colin. I'm pretty sure they are, But let's just talk about some of your positions. like, what are your thoughts on Roe versus Wade? Well, I say Roe if you can, and if you don't have a vote, you're gonna have to wait. I'm just kidding, Colin.
I'm just kidding. all I know is if I am the President, every mother gonna get one chancleta. And what is a chancleta, Jose? And what is a chancleta, Jose? it's a sandal, Colin. And what is a mother going to do with one sandal?
You never know. that's the scary part. sometimes they don't even have to use it. they just show it, send a message, and they put it away. What you say to me? that's what I thought. All right. Chancleta. chancleta. I will remember that. my one-year-old has been acting up. So, Jose, what is your final message to the American people? that we should all be grateful, Colin. this is a great country, and I think we need to remember how lucky we really are. that's true. although it does seem like you're kind of ignoring some pretty real problems in the country. What did you say to me, Colin? that's what I thought.
Jose Suarez, everyone. archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a tunnel that they think leads to the long-lost tomb of Cleopatra. Cleopatra is, of course, the enchanting queen who seduced both Mark Anthony and Julius Caesar, I assume because she's really funny or something? a woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back-to-back Lotto's in the same day. But the woman says she's still going to keep her day job forging lottery tickets. the U.s.
Air Force is denying that its pilots intentionally flew a flight path that created a giant penis pointed at Russia. even worse, they then fired missiles. a white student at the University of Kentucky was arrested after she was caught on video using a racial slur and assaulting two black students. she has been charged with one count of impersonating a police officer. a 10-year-old boy in Florida faces misdemeanor battery charges after he allegedly touched a teacher's breast. Because under Florida law, students are required to wait for their teacher to make the first move.
Well, guys, we're six shows into the new season. here to discuss a personal gripe with me is our very own Sarah Sherman. Oh, God, what did I do now? none of these jokes are about me. it's all midterms. This, trump that, But what about Sarah? we can't do jokes about you, Sarah. but I can, and I'm going to do them all here right now. you brought your own set? of course I did, because yours looks ugly. I'm Sarah, and this is the Sarah News.
Niagara Falls recently opened to the public for the first time in over a century. a musty old tunnel letting people back in after years of disuse.
I can only hope, said my boyfriend. that's right, America, I have a boyfriend. don't let the queer hair cut fool you, honey. I'm as straight as Michael Che's update persona. earlier this week, Elon Musk suspended Twitter's paid verification system. Well, I guess the only check mark next to my name will be the one on Kanye's list of Jews to keep an eye on.
Okay, all right. all right, I think that's enough jokes about Sarah. Bro, I'm only going to say this once. Stop touching my leg under the table. I'm not doing that. it's time for a world. Today, I'll be doing a story on, whoa, Pennsylvania. point in the middle of the ocean. Okay, what are you, a geographer? Relax, bro.
In Pennsylvania News, senator-elect and big, gorgeous monster, John Fetterman, has received criticism for his casual dress. And I agree. those cargo shorts and hoodies don't belong on the senate floor. they belong crumpled up on my bedroom floor. Hachi-machi. Thanksgiving must have come early this year because that hunk is giving the turkey waddle between my legs something to be thankful for.
That is disgusting. somebody's jealous. Speaking of disgusting, I recently had an allergic reaction that made my face look like this. But on the bright side, now I have a picture to show the Hr lady when she asks, what did Colin ever do to you? Sarah, that is horrible.
All right, we have to end this. Why? so you can get back to, like, whatever this crap is? wait, what? Hey, guys, by the way, these aren't notes. they're just Colin's little drawings of me. you planted that. Sarah Sherman, Everyone. I'm Michael Che. Good Night. Bye-bye. |
TheOnion | Can_A_Mother_Actually_Lift_A_Car_If_Her_Child_Is_Trapped_Under_It | There's an urban legend that's been around since I was a kid. In a moment of panic, a mother lifts up an entire car to save her child trapped underneath. It's a great story, but is this actually possible? Well, today we'll tackle that question from a scientist's perspective. So, can a mother actually lift a car?
Of course she can. Women are amazing. In fact, we have significant evidence that women can do anything. So it follows that they can lift cars. Consider this. The world record for deadlifting a barbell is 1,003 pounds, and the average car weighs about 4,000 pounds. So how is it possible that an average woman could gain the strength of four bodybuilders? Well, it's pretty simple actually. Women are able to do so by using the same strength they use to go to space, free themselves and hundreds of others from slavery, write great novels, discover radioactivity, and run for president.
My mother raised me and my sisters, Rebecca and Molly, all by herself. She worked hard every day to make sure we had a good life, and she did it all while getting her master's degree. Even when things got really difficult, my mother made sure we were smiling. She is the strongest person I know. If a woman can shape a child into the successful, capable man you see sitting before you today, she can definitely lift a car. She can do whatever she damn well pleases.
And don't you forget it. For The Onion, I'm science editor, Ralph Gillis. |
cracked | why_everyone_in_aladdin_is_awful_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Today, we're ruining the only Disney Prince to get his own movie. You probably remember Aladdin as a sweet movie about a scrappy thief who gets into harmless shenanigans with his barely tolerable incoherent monkey and the most likeable character, his slave genie. What you probably don't remember is that there are only two redeemable characters in the entire movie and neither of them have names. The whole point of Aladdin's narrative is that he, unlike everyone else in Agrabah, is a diamond in the rough. Worthy of access to a cave so magical, it's called the Cave of Wonders and is also a tiger. Aladdin, we are told, is better than the local merchants trying to provide for themselves and their families, and the guards who do their best to keep the streets of Agrabah safe. Aladdin, according to this movie, is the best person in town. False. While we're told Aladdin is a diamond in the rough, we never actually see him do anything to earn that.
In fact, one might call him a dirtball into the dirtier dirt. First things first, in Aladdin's character-defining introductory song, he tells us he's really good at stealing. Like he's the Michael Jordan of stealing. Scratch that. He's the different sports metaphor of stealing. Which athlete is known for stealing? O.J. Simpson. He's the O.J. Simpson of stealing, but he's the Michael Jordan of property destruction.
One loaf of bread costs fishmonger, a barrel of fish, an entire harvest of watermelons, and one guy's skin itself, which is the whole front area from here to here. Most commonly, Aladdin brags he's one jump ahead of the bread line, which means he's one jump ahead of the poor people in line for free charity food. That's like bragging you're one step ahead of the single mom in line at the food bank.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Aladdin explains himself right there in the song. Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat, otherwise we'd get along. I don't think so. Career criminals don't typically get along with me, Daniel O'Brien, especially career criminals who have hired assassins on their tail. Aladdin isn't just some thief riff-raff street rat. He's the guy with hitman after him, which tells me someone who reads way too much into these sorts of things, that this diamond in the rough has a body count. But Daniel, remember that after all that stealing and maiming, Aladdin hands over the bread to starving homeless children? You might be arguing in your head or out loud because you think we're having a two-way conversation because you've forgotten how things work? Yes!
Aladdin and Abu hand their bread to two hungry waifs. What a noble, altruistic, humbling, extraordinary diamond in the rough gesture that any human would do in the same circumstances. Giving bread to poor people is literally how dictators get their power. This is Aladdin's big moment to show us that he's worthy of entrance into a place so special that no one else in the whole world can get in, except Abu, I guess, and he demonstrates this goodness by doing something millions of people do every day, feeds hungry kids. By that logic, your mom is a diamond in the rough, which she is, by the way. One more thing about Aladdin.
Watch this. I'm really very sorry. Do you see it? Roll it again. I'm really very sorry.
He saw the crown! Everything that happens next should be predicated on the fact that Aladdin knows Jasmine is a princess. Also, small point, but don't forget that when Jasmine screws up in the marketplace and nearly gets her hand chopped off, Aladdin saves her by pretending she's his mentally ill sister.
She is my sister. She's a little crazy. That's the first thing that popped into his head to save a pretty girl. Don't hurt her. She's so mentally disabled.
Hahaha. Speaking of weird decisions, you're my only friend, Abu. Blueby never makes Abu's particular monkey type explicit, but the internet's best guest is a capuchin. Monkeys that typically live in groups of 10 to 30, typically in a forest, none of which is true of Abu, who lives in the street, with a loser. I said it.
That's no place for a little monkey. Like, just naturally, that's no place for a monkey to live. Where would his habitat be in Agrabah?
I submit that Aladdin went somewhere else, chimp-napped that little monkey, since we know he has no problem stealing, and then immediately trained it to follow a life of crime, and like, follow that life hard. Aladdin steals to eat and live, but Abu has a problem. You stole a monkey from his family, and you made him a crime monkey. Aladdin, that is, you're bad for doing it. It is the stance of this show that you are bad.
Aladdin's love interest, Princess Jasmine, is in the holy trinity of Renaissance Disney princesses, who reminded us that girls can be cool, even when they aren't asleep. Do we ever see Disney princes in bed asleep, or is that just a princess thing?
Weird. Ariel Bell and Jasmine have Moxie. They're defying. They like to read. One of them keeps her belly covered the whole movie. Not that there's anything wrong with showing your belly. Ladies, your body, your choice. Girl power. I shouldn't have said anything.
On a surface level, Jasmine hits every mark we need to know she's an interesting, brave, fully developed character. She defies her father. She has a pet tiger.
She feels oppressed by her luxurious lifestyle and tries her hand at slummin' it, which must have felt ironic to the dozens of slaves presumably living in that house and serving her every day. Now, I know we don't ever see slaves, unpaid workers, tidying Jasmine's palace, but this is a palace. It's not great gardens. They have to have servants maintaining the property.
Jasmine isn't just oblivious to her surroundings. She's criminally oblivious. Like, to the point where we should wonder if the Sultan had bothered to educate her at all over the last 15 years. When Jasmine tries to escape the palace, she cleverly disguises herself by not bothering to disguise herself. She puts on a hoodie, but keeps her jewelry, including her tiara, firmly intact.
We find out Jasmine has a good heart when she attempts to feed a kid by offering him an apple from a cart. In all her years in the palace, no one bothered teaching her economics 101, which is troubling because she's in line to run an entire country. Nor was she aware that the act of theft was punishable by amputation, again, disturbing, considering she's about to take over the place. You'd think someone would have sat her down and had a heart-to-heart about Agrabah's criminal justice system. During Jasmine's one night out on the town, she learned that starving people can be horrifically maimed if they steal food. In a normal world, getting that information would be life-altering, especially if you're one of the two people in the country with enough power to do something about it.
Not for Jasmine, she continues on her date with Aladdin because dates are fun and Aladdin's cute. Finally, Jasmine's big thing is that she doesn't want to be objectified. She wants respect. She wants to be taken seriously. She wants to be her own woman. Then she uses sex to distract her biggest enemy. Aladdin turned Jasmine into a mentally disabled person to save her skin. Jasmine turned herself into a prostitute to save his.
Those two belong together.
Jasmine's father, the Sultan, has zero business ruling a country, much less managing his daughter's love life. When Aladdin shows up at the palace in disguise, unannounced, uninvited, from a country that no one has ever heard of, the Sultan, unlike just about any other dad on the planet, opens his home in the hopes that this stranger will hook up with his daughter. A reasonable parent would have stopped Ali at the door, asked him to point to his country on a map, then sent him and his freak show circus back home. Hi, I'm Prince Ali. I'm from... and my father's name is Don't Worry About It. One princess, please. Not only should Prince Ali set off a million warning signals in the Sultan's head for his daughter, but a reasonable political leader would be a little bit concerned about a flamboyantly generous head of state marching into his country with what amounts to a magical army.
This isn't a date request. This is an invasion, and the fact that the Sultan's subjects are loving it does not reflect well on the Sultan. I'm not saying Aladdin is doing that thing that Hitler did when he annexed Austria. I'm just saying that he could have been doing that thing, and an un-stupid king would have recognized a coup attempt just because he faced the galloping hordes. A hundred bad guys with the Sultan. Sorry. What the hell was that? Anyway, that doesn't mean you should trust him. Finally, at the end of the movie, after Jafar has done his thing, and is out of the picture, and everyone knows Aladdin is a fraud, and Aladdin does his first unselfish act of the movie by using his third wish to free the genie, Sultan says, oh yeah, this stupid law about how princess can't marry a non-prince, the thing that started this mess.
You know what? We can change that. You know why?
Because I'm the Sultan. Am I Sultan or am I Sultan?
After all that happened, that's the law this conceited self-absorbed intelligence challenge group of narcissists are most concerned about. The law that says Jasmine has to marry royalty? Not the law that lets guards chop off the hands of apple thieves. This one, the one about romance.
Also, the Sultan feeds Iago crackers that came from inside his pants. No pockets. Weird. Weird thing to do.
Imagine you're a clever monkey who, until a few days ago, didn't know that magic was real. Now imagine having every cell in your body change into a camel cell. Your skin stretches, your organs transform, your weight multiplies, all without your consent or warning. And then you're a horse, and then you're a duck, or a turtle, an ostrich, a car, and an elephant, all in the span of about 20 seconds.
That's what the genie does to a boo. Say what you want about Jafar, but he had enough respect for his animal sidekick to keep him in a parrot form through the whole movie. And also, he gave him compliments every now and then. It's important. I love the way your foul little mind works.
A boo becomes the genie's voiceless, helpless prop in a Prince Ali charade, a prop who is entirely unnecessary. The genie could have easily magicked up an elephant out of nowhere. In the Aladdin TV show, we find that the genie kind of is a thing for violating a boo's body rights via magic. When they need a hound dog, the genie turns a boo into a dog, even though he could turn himself into a dog. When they need transportation, the genie turns himself into a cart, and a boo into a horse, even though the genie probably could have managed both. During every transformation, a boo's face goes from fear, to confusion, to anger, with a mix of sadness and disorientation thrown into the mix. The genie and Aladdin have adventures. A boo has body horrors inflicted on him daily.
Oh yeah, oh you know those kids that keep popping up in and out of the story to get bread and apples from Jasmine and Aladdin? What a, they're gonna be alright. Feels like the movie goes out of its way to keep reminding us how poor those children are and how ill-equipped they are at surviving in this world, but there's no real payoff as far as like don't worry Jasmine adopted them, so they're fine now.
In fact, their previous source of bread is off the street living in the palace now, so dead? Those kids dead? Those kids are dead.
Alright, next. Oh, well that's it. That's all our time. Join us next week when our topic will be Frasier. Just a, this thing just says Frasier. Okay, it's gonna be Frasier. Okay, cool. Bye.
Hey everyone, thank you for watching Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder. We do a new one every month. Make sure you like and subscribe for more and in the comments, why don't you tell me that according to the TV show, a boo was with a traveling circus of thieves and Aladdin saved him and that's how they became friends and he didn't kidnap him.
Why don't you tell me that in the comments? You can't. I already did it for you. The episode was better without that information. It's a writer's privilege to do things like that. |
TheOnion | Triumphant_Biden_Announces_U_S_Has_Killed_Man_Who_Kind_Of_Looks_Like_Osama_Bin_Laden | Joe Biden has announced that the U.S. has killed a guy that kind of looks like Osama bin Laden. In a huge political win for the president, Biden announced U.S. troops had assassinated someone that vaguely resembled the notorious terrorist and founder of Al Qaeda. After thanking the brave Navy SEALs who completed the mission, Biden held up a photo, squinted, and said, quote, You can see it, right? According to intelligence sources, the man technically posed no threat, but they figured looking like that was enough of a reason to bomb him. Biden has now allocated several billion dollars to finding and killing some guy who could maybe pass as Saddam Hussein.
Boomers, do you know what Riz means? It's short for Asmatazz.
Is it a rapper? It's usually a rapper.
Riz was a chemical agent we secretly tested on civilians in Vietnam. Riz is someone's ability to attract another person through style, charm, or home ownership.
I believe it's a portmanteau of rat jizz. I know it's slang for charisma, but I'm faking dementia to get out of spending time with my grandkids. Whatever it means, it's not racist enough.
My name is Ronald J. Freely, and I'm a former official in the federal government. I've come here today at great risk to my personal safety to uncover a truth long withheld from the American public, because the people deserve to know what's out there.
Despite what you've been told, vegetables do exist. Vegetables are real. For decades, the FDA has knowingly kept evidence of the existence of leafy greens and starchy root vegetables tightly classified, silencing anyone who tried to come forward with evidence of spinach, potatoes, or carrot-type entities. I myself have personally substantiated thousands of accounts from otherwise sane, credible Americans who claim to have had a close personal encounter with a vegetable and live to tell about it. Thirty years ago, the U.S. government enlisted an elite squad of FDA officials to head Project GreenTube, an effort to catalog and understand sightings of unidentified food objects that could not otherwise be explained. And while it was presented to us as a covert operation in the interest of national security, I have now come to realize that I was duped into participating in a full-blown cover-up by the United States government to conceal the existence of vegetables. In the restricted facility where I worked in Virginia, there is a refrigeration unit containing authenticated physical samples of multiple vegetable specimens found over the course of our investigations. There is even a room where they place some of these non-meat biologics on a table and slice them open.
I admit that for a long time I was complicit in hiding this information from the general public. But you have to understand, if people knew how many of these things were among us, hiding in plain sight in our grocery stores, and in some cases our own goddamn homes, well, who knows how they may have reacted. All hell would have broken loose. The reason I've come forward today is that more and more we're now finding traces of these grotesque vegetal anomalies inside our own bodies, even our children's bodies. And you deserve to know. |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_phantom_after_dark | Boom, boom, boopies. Oh, can we end up-- No, that's the whole part. Okay, phantom. What? Hey. Oh, cool, what's up? What are you guys doing here?
It's the all nighter, man. All Nighter?
Right, I was here because I was gonna get some of my hog skins that I had drying over there. Oh, yeah, that's what that was. That's what that was, but-- That's why I was here but I'm not gonna do-- I-- I get that tomorrow. I'm gonna go-- Damn, talking cats. C'mon.
Oh my god! Phantom! What the hell? What?
Try a girl in a sack. What's the big whoop? The big whoop is that you had a girl in a sack.
What were you going to do to her? Why were you bringing her here?
Well, if you must know. Some nights, when I long for the games of my youth, I snatch up a Greek girl and I bring her here. Normally, one or two virgins will still be working, but I'll just tell them there's a line outside of the Apple store. It really doesn't even matter what for. And they'll be out of there in no time. Then, I'll just make a little something to eat when I finally got the place to myself. And if the mood strikes me, perhaps I'll conduct an aria to silhouette it against the blackness of the night sky. Then, oh megal! For rears, I pwn noobs so hard on them. Greek roll! Well, that's pretty much it.
Okay, and the girl in the sack? Oh! Right! The girl in the sack! Yes!
So sometimes I kidnap like a Greek girl and I put her in a bag and I like beat her with a stick till she's like a pulpy mess. It's called Beat the Greek. It's a good game. Wow, that is murder.
And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you pesky kids and your meddling homosexual. Oh, I'm not gay, guys.
Oh, bullshit! Okay, this is fuck. I'm calling the cops. Ooh! Ow!
Where am I gonna find a Greek girl at this hour? Oh, a diner. I should go to a diner. |
TheOnion | FAA_Shocked_They_Made_Lead_Story_Of_This_Week_s_Onion_Review | The nation's pedophiles march on a Washington D.C. elementary school, a girlfriend plans to stay underneath her blanket for the next five months, and a mother's head rotates demonically after passing a sign for antique wicker furniture. By watching this video, you will be confronting the darkest, most secret part of your soul. Prepare to face your inner evil.
This is The Onion Week in Review. Earlier today, the Federal Aviation Administration announced they were shocked that the organization made the lead story of this week's Onion Week in Review. Officials for the FAA, who announced this week that air travelers will now be able to use electronic devices throughout the entirety of flights, said they couldn't believe The Onion's weekly online video news recap bypassed stories about the World Series, Lou Reed's death, Halloween, and the NSA to consider them the top story of the week. I mean, I have to say it's a huge shock and thrill just to be considered for any portion of The Onion Review, much less the top story. Honestly, we're all very humbled.
In an effort to prepare the nation for flu season, health officials at the Center for Disease Contraction urged Americans everywhere this week to suck on as many doorknobs as possible. The organization released an instructional video on their website Tuesday demonstrating the proper method to suck on a doorknob, while also offering numerous other ways Americans can quickly and effectively acquire debilitating diseases. The fact is, sucking on any doorknob can increase the likelihood of exposing yourself and your family to deadly pathogens by as much as 450%. Once you do finally experience nausea and sharp stomach pains, it's important that you really let the disease fester inside your body. We recommend dousing yourself in cold water and standing outside naked in sub-zero temperatures.
This Monday, area woman Erin Ward announced she had built an ironclad case finally proving Mila Kunis looks bad without makeup. Ward, who has spent several months compiling and analyzing hundreds of magazine articles, internet slideshows, and candid photos of the 30-year-old actress, claimed she can now prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Kunis looks unattractive without her makeup, adding that the evidence was, quote, totally irrefutable. If you take a look at sample A, this photograph of Ms. Kunis at the 2012 People's Choice Awards, then yes, she's attractive, but compare that image to just two weeks later without makeup. Notice the puffy eyes, the saggy cheeks, the pale complexion. As you can see, the evidence of this disparity is quite stark.
And in local news, a 27-year-old lies about every single aspect of his life to keep his parents from worrying. Yeah, no, works, works good. Yeah, everyone's really nice. In other news, a suburban mom wows her family with her most androgynous look yet, someone is probably masturbating to this stock photo, and a Red Sox fan dedicates the garbage can he's lighting on fire to the Boston Marathon victims. Your contribution to our web traffic has been duly noted. For more opportunities to contribute your clicks, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_eliot_spitzer_saturday_night_live | In a surprising interview last week, Elliot Spitzer opened up about his troubled marriage and even expounded on the nature of romantic love. here to elaborate, in honor of Valentine's Day, Elliot Spitzer. Ah! All right, hello, New York! Ah, welcome back to the show, Governor. you miss me? how's my replacement doing? is he doing Ok? Yes, he's doing just fine. Yeah. Now, Governor, you gave an interview last week where you discussed the state of your marriage in the wake of your prostitution scandal. that's right.
And the interview was so red hot with love and romance that Hallmark has asked me to make a line of cards specifically for couples that have gone through scandals and such. Wow, did you bring any with you? Boom Time! Here's a card for a married couple that's had their ups and downs. My love, you have given me five wonderful years. Happy 25th Wedding Anniversary, Ah! The other 20 years were crap. that's funny. sometimes, the way to show you are fully healed is to laugh about it.
Yeah, I'm not sure most wives would find that funny. Well, in that case, here's a serious one. we've had our trials, my darling. but when all is said and done, in my book, you always be client number one. Yeah, Governor, I don't think you should use the term client number one. because of my scandal?
Ah! Also, because that card really only works for you. No, these are cards for anyone in a troubled marriage. like this one, this is good. this is a good card if you're a famous golfer who is unmasked as a sex maniac, Ah! And in front, it says, I thought our marriage would be a hole in one. too bad that I love holes a ton. Ah! How would that card help a marriage? that a lot of these just follow the rhyme. you couldn't find any other word that rhymes with one?
Just go to a rhyming dictionary online next time. Oh, my wife doesn't want me on the internet.
Thanks, Card. this is for someone who was the next Presidential candidate who cheated on his wife and had a love child. So John Edwards. they're for anyone, Seth. on the front, it says, oh, love of my life. Oh, my darling dear, my transgressions were great. my lies were severe. there was cheating, a baby, a lured sex tape. at least there wasn't. animal rape. Happy Valentine's Day, Love John Edwards. Ah! I tell you, Dr. John Edwards, All right, I think you better wrap it up, Governor. I've got, like, four more cards. you can do one.
Well, I'm going to do the worst one. Oh, please don't. All right, I'll do a nice one. No, you won't.
All right. this shows the young bride and groom. this is a nice one, right? this is a good one. Sweet. This card shows the young bride and groom at the altar. Oh, that is sweet. it is, Yeah.
And it says, what's better than your wife being a spitzer? What? your wife being a swallowser. Ah! Spitzer! Can I be governor again now?
Sure. Oh, you're right. All right. all right. come on, man. All right. |
TheOnion | Obama_To_Hold_Performance_Review_With_All_American_Workers | Welcome back to the financial fallout shelter. As part of his plan to spur economic growth by increasing national productivity, President Obama began providing job performance reviews for every American citizen today. The president scheduled the one-on-one meetings to quote, take a problem solving approach to everyone's workplace behavior and identify some areas for improvement for every American. The president just wants to touch base with everyone to make sure the country is on task with regards to meeting the country's objectives. Onion News Network reporter Jane Carmichael joins us now from the economic quarantine zone. Jane, now a lot of Americans are nervous about their meeting with the president.
Can you give us a sense of how these reviews will work? Sure. According to those who have had their reviews already, Obama relies heavily on the goals Americans listed for themselves on the self-evaluations the president sent to everyone last month. Of course. We've been getting video responses on the Onion News Network YouReport website all morning.
He told me that I was a valued member of the country and then he started talking about belt tightening and doing more with less. Yeah, the only part that threw me off was when he asked me how I thought he could improve. I'm not positive, but I think he might have fired me. He was really vague.
Jane, what is the exact goal of these meetings because the American people are very busy as it is. Well, President Obama says he wants to help all Americans achieve, so he's challenging us to visualize success. And then he told a long story about a woman who ran a marathon with prosthetic legs. Now, Obama's ideas for increasing the nation's productivity extend past the interviews, though. For one, he keeps insisting that the nation start using Google Docs. Yes, he says it will really streamline everything. Okay, and most of us are aware of his initiative to put giant inspirational posters up around the country. The first one went up on the Rocky Mountain Range earlier this week, Jane. And it's just beautiful, but not everything is going so smoothly. The big mandatory team building retreat planned for next weekend is facing difficulties. Obama wanted to do a ropes course, but it's proving harder than expected to find one which can accommodate 140 million people.
Well, Jane, keep us updated on that weekend. Thanks, Andrea. Most Americans say Obama was friendly, but they prefer the old president because he, quote, never gave a shit what we did. |
cracked | a_very_special_infowars_episode_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, it's Alex with another You guys we made it to ten episodes So let's take a stroll back down memory lane with an anniversary clip show Some of these are so old even I don't remember making them anyway If you're a new fan, here's a taste of what the show's like if you're a die-hard fan There still might be one or two episodes you missed Yeah, I need to go to work, okay Hahaha What happened? Is our currency really backed by anything? Is gravity a bully? Librarians are not your friends JPEG of One Direction and hats This week, fuck that movie This week, fuck that movie You have to agree, those cheekbones match We also have a podcast I'm 20 hands What do the chemtrails in Pete and Pete mean? I am a human gib I'm actually a stone cold job If you use bike paths, you're a UN stooge Bang. We look to the west. Has the CIA failed America? I did a thing after hours. Adam Baldwin, Alex Jones, Thomas Jefferson. It's really what you sons of bitches want. A new, new, new Cold War. Step on in to my holodeck. That Bilderberg Group lapel pin.
That's not what she said. Women are harvesting us. Dogs can do that.
Gattaca in real life. Sparkling water is a lie. Liberty died with the Microsoft Zune.
Also, I'm not blinking for help in Morse code. I kind of had a weird September. I was dating this survivalist.
It's over.
We text. Please come back next weekend for an all new episode. Please come back.
Roll sounds. Roll cameras. And action. Hey, I have two tips for you. One, if you subscribe to our channel, you'll get all our videos more conveniently for free. Sounds great. Other tip, Culver City, California, there is a store that sells nothing but model trains. Uh, you're welcome. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_hardest_thing_for_a_doctor_to_tell_their_patient | Alright, Mr. Henderson. How are we feeling?
I'm better. I'm a lot less nauseous. I think I just had some bad shrimp or something. No, it's actually much worse than we thought.
What? Wait, is something wrong with me? Well, according to your test results, it says right here you were poisoned by your enemies. Wait, what?
You're saying I was poisoned? By your enemies. How could it possibly say that? Do you have any enemies, Mr. Henderson? Anyone you've backstabbed or double-crossed? No, I'm saying how is it medically possible to know an enemy poisoned me? Oh, you think it was an ally? It's a common misconception, but when an ally poisons you, they're actually your enemy, medically speaking.
I just don't understand.
Have you pissed anyone off lately? Slept with their mom?
What? No. Their dad? No.
Both? I would definitely poison you if you did both.
I didn't have sex with anyone's family.
Did you embarrass anyone of great power? Are you being serious? Maybe give a wet willy to a mob boss and you didn't know it was the day of his daughter's wedding. No. Did you?
Are you perchance next in line to a throne? Any monarchy running the family?
That's a crazy question. There's no way that's on your clipboard.
Have you drank from any chalices or goblets recently? What? Goblins? No, goblets. But a goblin could use poison, you're right. Really? A goblin?
Why not a wizard? No, wizard would have cursed you, not used poison.
Right. Okay, Mr. Henderson, I'm going to recommend you stay away from cults, butlers, and gold-digging southern belts.
I'm also referring you to a cup-bearer. What's a cup-bearer? You don't know what a cup-bearer is?
No wonder you got poisoned. Excuse me? Finally, I'm going to write you a prescription for...
Ah! That's weird. My pen-prictomy. Huh. That is weird. Oh my God! Oh no!
Are you okay? Wait. Oh, I should have known. Benny Valentino sent you, didn't he?
Come on! It was funny! The willy wasn't even that wet! What? No!
You fucked my parents. Oh. Wait. Why did you shoot me? You already poisoned me. So, your results are in, and I'm not saying it's terminal, but if you don't like and subscribe right now, you're probably not going to make it past 80. Yes! You actually gagged me. I'm sorry! |
TheOnion | How_To_Make_Slow_Cooked_Russet_Potatoes_That_Fall_Right_Off_The_Bone | Nothing makes my mouth water more than the thought of tender, flavorful russet potatoes. So today, I'll be showing you how to cook wonderfully juicy potatoes that fall right off the bone. The first thing I'm going to do is prime the potatoes with my rub. This gives these guys a nice crust and enhances the flavor without adding moisture. It might be tempting to debone your potatoes, but those bones are actually adding flavor. Plus, you can save them and add them to soups and stocks later to get that rich tuber flavor. I can already tell there's going to be no potatoes left on the bone once I'm finished with these babies.
Don't be afraid to really get in there.
To get those tender, bone-sucking potatoes, it's all about low and slow. Set the oven to 250 degrees and cook for 6 to 8 hours, depending on the size of your potatoes. Little has family flavor secret. About 4 hours in, inject some Tabasco mixed with molasses right in the middle of each spud. You'll thank me later. So these guys have been cooking for a little more than 7 hours, which means the connective tissue holding the potato flush to the bone is almost completely broken down. And it also means it's time to add the barbecue sauce. Smother these potatoes in your favorite sauce and then put them back in the oven for another 30.
Now comes the hardest part, waiting.
Other than a hearty appetite, the only thing you'll need to bring to this meal is a napkin to tuck into your shirt. But hey, don't be afraid to get your hands dirty going to town on these succulent spuds.
These look perfect.
Oh my, you can really taste the juices from the bone. Look, you don't even need a knife. The potato falls right off the bone. I'm going to look every little bit of starch off my fingers too.
I could die right now. Until next time, I'm Jillian Hess.
About 4 hours in, inject some Tabasco mixed with molasses right in the middle of each spud. You'll thank me later. So these guys have been cooking for a little more than 7 hours, which means the connective tissue holding the potato flush to the bone is almost completely broken down. And it also means it's time to add the barbecue sauce. Smother these potatoes in your favorite sauce and then put them back in the oven for another 30.
Now comes the hardest part, waiting.
Other than a hearty appetite, the only thing you'll need to bring to this meal is a napkin to tuck into your shirt. But hey, don't be afraid to get your hands dirty going to town on these succulent spuds.
These look perfect.
Oh my, you can really taste the juices from the bone. Look, you don't even need a knife. The potato falls right off the bone. I'm going to look every little bit of starch off my fingers too.
I could die right now. Until next time, I'm Jillian Hess. |
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