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TheOnion | Report_Average_Male_4_000_Less_Effective_In_Fights_Than_They_Imagine | A new report by the Department of Health and Human Services has found that the average male is 4,000 percent less effective in fights than he imagines, casting powerful doubts on many men's claims that they could take someone out in two seconds or smash a guy's face in with their fist. We found that on average men describing hypothetical fights overestimated their level of combat skill by a factor of 40. With eighty percent of males incorrectly predicting they could mess a guy up real bad with one solid punch to the jaw. During actual physical altercations, however, these men were statistically more likely to end up hurting themselves or, most commonly, trying to diffuse the tension by nervously saying, hey man, let's all just calm down, okay, before any fighting even came to pass. If some guy ever came at me and I needed to take him down quick, I'd just disorient him with a quick blow to the face and then I'd knee him in the gut. The trick is to just keep your fist real tight and punch with your knuckles if you really wanna fuck somebody up. I mean, you hope it doesn't come to the point where you have to grab a bar stool and smash it over somebody's head but if he's being a real dick and you need to draw a little blood, you don't really have a choice. Researchers discover that men were significantly weaker than they verbally indicated while chatting with friends in bars and locker rooms and that men who were ninety percent sure they could tear someone a new asshole tended to succeed in fewer than one in ten fights. It's hard if a guy's there with his girlfriend or something because then she has to watch while I take his ass to fucking school, you know? Honestly, I'm scared to get into a fight because I might kill the guy or put him in a wheelchair or something. Man, I hope that never happens. |
SaturdayNightLive | geico_insurance_saturday_night_live | Eric is a real Geico customer, not a paid celebrity. So to help him tell his story, we paired him with Whitney Houston.
I was late for my midterms, so needless to say, I was kind of in a rush. in other words, he felt the need for speed. like I felt the need to free-base cocaine off a hot waffle iron. But mama don't do that anymore. mama is for eeeeewww! It was rainy, and I started to hydroplane. I lost control of my Suv. I lost control of my bowels. never mind. when I found Bobby Brown in a hot tub with three hooped-a-hoop days from a Jay-z vigil. I thought I was gonna have to postpone my exams. that's when I got in my Suv, threw that sucker in reverse, and drove backwards all the way to Dion Warwick's house.
Geico took care of everything immediately, and I passed Sociology. I passed Bobby Brown the other day, and I threw an old bag of chicken Mcnuggets at his head. Ain't it shocking what love can do? ain't it shocking what love can do? Geico, real wrecks, cars and celebrities. |
cracked | why_japan_s_samurai_were_nothing_like_you_think_hilarious_helmet_history | And, and everything I just said is ridiculous. You can let that go.
Samurai were real Japanese warriors. Some were even what you're picturing, but samurai were also pirates, aristocrats, bureaucrats, women, British guys, African guys, and so many more people outside the frame of your samurai mental picture. Also, I should say this, if you watch videos on YouTube, you probably know a little about the history of Japan. Because that video rules. It's really good. So, let me get super specific about samurai and their place within the history of Japan.
Whoa. Uh, singing is great. Uh, have you guys tried it? I, I hope whole crew, we should try it. It's like mouth magic.
Anyway, Japan had samurai from the 700 CE to the 1800 CE. That's over 1,000 years. Across that millennium of history and all its social and technological changes, samurai became several totally different things. For one thing, the word samurai roughly translates to one who serves the nobility. Early on, that meant a lot of things. Samurai didn't definitely mean soldier till the early 900s, and those samurai were mercenaries in the private armies of nobles ruled by Japan's emperor. By the late 1100s, samurai became more like European knights. Low-ranking nobles sworn to serve high-ranking nobles who served Japan's shogun, a military ruler who technically reported to the emperor, but not really. Along the way, some unemployed samurai became pirates, called wuku, raiding the Asian mainland. Shogun rule fell apart in the mid-1400s, Japan fell into civil war, samurai fought those civil wars in exchange for more and more political power, and by the 1600s, when the dust settled, samurai had become Japan's ruling families. Male and female aristocrats of the samurai class, whether or not they were soldiers. And samurai stayed that way, while also sometimes being soldiers just for funsies, until Japan's feudal system ended in the 1870s. So that one term, samurai, that we associate with kind of sort of knights, actually describes over a thousand years of knights, soldiers, mercenaries, nobles, pirates, and lady nobles. And if you believe our standard cultural conception of samurai, you believe every samurai on that thousand-year timeline followed one rigorous military moral code called bushido. It's sort of like European chivalry, if you want to be sloppy about it, but those thousands of years of samurai were very different from each other. And the samurai soldiers weren't all chivalrous and white knight-y all the time. Samurai retreated from battle, betrayed each other, robbed and killed poorer people, and did other things that are characteristic of, let's see, it says here, humans, actual humans, not made up guys in poems or whatever.
That's also why documented cases of samurai committing ritual suicide, also known as seppuku, are rare. Once in a while Japanese generals and leaders were forced to kill themselves ritually. However, being forced to kill yourself is more of an execution. Meanwhile, regular defeated samurai tended to surrender, be prisoners, quit the military, beg, you know, some form of not bleeding out on purpose.
Because again, humans, still says humans.
So where did we get that concept of samurai being fanatical super soldiers? Well, the biggest influence on modern samurai lore is a writer named Inazo Nitobe.
He was born in the ancient medieval year of 1862. Wow, he was younger than Teddy Roosevelt. Anyway, Nitobe became a respected scholar of not history. He studied English literature.
He also left Japan, moved to California, and wrote and published his English language book Bushido the Soul of Japan in 1899. In history, samurai fought like soldiers. In Nitobe's book, they fought like higher beings. In history, Japan's government cracked down on a Catholic rebellion by suppressing Christianity throughout their country starting in the 1600s. In Nitobe's book, Japanese samurai and Christian European knights had matching values, right down to the medieval Christian belief that anatomically the human soul is located in the gut region and therefore seppuku requires a stab to the tum-tum to get the soul, some guy says. Because in history, people use sources. In Nitobe's book, sources would have slowed down sales. He wanted to write a bestseller and he did it. Nitobe's Bushido book was so successful, President Theodore Roosevelt bought 60 copies of it for his friends and family. And Nitobe's success meant the Western world's knowledge of Japanese culture took its cues from one guy in California.
No, I didn't mean that guy. Although I kind of mean that guy.
American pop culture says samurai were Japanese King Arthur's. Men from out of time in touch with ancient bravery that let them bring a sword to a gunfight and die a lot. Even though in real life, samurai relied on pole weapons and bows whenever possible because close sword combat is way more dangerous. Also, Japanese militaries had guns as early as the 1500s. They also had cannons. Yeah, samurai used cannons to defend their fortifications as early in history as the Europeans did because they liked to win battles.
Because, do I have to keep doing the note thing? It says humans on it. You know. You get it. Okay.
Anyway, I don't want to bag on the last samurai too hard. It's got a white savior thing going on and that ain't great, but at least the movie saviors around while introducing people to the Meiji Restoration, a real era of Japanese history that they depict with kinda sorta accuracy, sorta. And while Tom Cruise's character is the actor Tom Cruise, pretty much, there was a real phenomenon of immigrants to Japan becoming important samurai. English sailor William Adams and Dutch sailor Jan Josten came to Japan, redesigned Japan's Navy, and worked their way up to being personal samurai of the shogun. Similar advancement happened for many Koreans, for many French soldiers, and for one African man known to history as Yasuke, who followed missionaries to Japan, stuck around, became a samurai in 1582, and became the personal bodyguard of Oda Nobunaga, one of the founders of what became modern unified Japan. That real story of an important black samurai is way more interesting than Hollywood's fictional tale where samurai culture teaches a drunk white guy how to detox. And if we get over our collective confusion about what samurai were, we could understand the world better and get awesome movies made. Because sure, there are excellent samurai movies. Films like Kurosawa's Seven Samurai combine a fictional story with rigorous historical research. But if we don't hook Hollywood with a new real samurai story, and soon our most recent cinematic samurai will be this angry Japan bot, surrounded by explosions and hot teens, while other angry robots fight angry robot dinosaurs.
But, but in a bad way though? Okay, like yeah, robot dinosaur explosion babe, etc. I mean that, but in a bad way. Also, how did Hollywood make that premise hard to watch?
Like, I'd buy a ticket to that thought, you know? Oh well, movies are dead, read a book, byeee!
Thanks for watching hilarious helmet history! If you want to click the C in the middle that lets you subscribe to our channel, and then please click the notification bell to find out when we do new videos. Some of them are about history, some of them are not.
I can't really turn my head in this helmet, I can't see where my hands are going. I hope I don't hit anybody. Help! |
TheOnion | Judge_Dredge_Lake_Dredge_Appraisal | I am San Antonio Parker, and welcome to Hellcomb County Municipal Lake Dredge Appraisal. Now it is with a heavy heart that I must take the reins of tonight's show. As you may have already read, my older brother Kim has been hospitalized with a tragic infection from a pine splinter. And we wish him a speedy recovery. Get better real soon, big brother. The freshwater-based appraisal game just isn't the same without you. But where Dredge Appraisal is called for, San Antonio answers the call, whether it is to pinch appraise for my frail older brother, or as the host on my own hit Fuse show, Judge Dredge.
Let's take a look, shall we? So come with me and let us judge the dredge. Virgil King, what have you dredged? Not too sure. Looks like something to that technology. Let's take a look, shall we?
All right. Well, offhand, I'd say it's a Gateway 4016 desktop computer tower from 2004. Now, I do notice that you scuffed the outside case with your bucket dredge, didn't you, Virgil? It's a clamshell, actually. Of course, a clamshell. But I suppose I did.
Sorry about that. Oh, no. Never apologize, Virgil. Mm-hmm. Now, Kim would have said something about water. It hurts a machine like this. My brother, he's a little old-fashioned. What did you think, Virgil? Well, I thought they'd clean the mud out of there. Might just unclog its pipes. What a very interesting notion, Virgil.
Unfortunately, I just don't see any way that the computer tower can be salvaged. But all is not lost. Why, I've seen defunct computer towers like this sell for upwards of $50. $50?
Oh, wow. I never think of it when I dredged it. Thank you, Santonio. Thank you. My pleasure.
What is the biggest rock? I'm not telling you anything. Every goddamn asshole don't already know. |
dropout | tips_for_a_fun_new_year_s_eve_ch_shorts | Oh, hello. It's New Year's Eve. Now, you're probably thinking, go out, dummy. You've obviously been invited to a ton of things. Well, guess what? You can have as much fun staying in on New Year's as you can. Go it out! So here are my tips for staying home on New Year's and avoiding all of it.
Oh my, oh, thank goodness. Oh, Jesus Christ, thank you. Oh, yes.
Here's my tips for going out on New Year's Eve. Tip number one, if you've been invited to a New Year's Eve party on Facebook, you're gonna want to check that guest list. Now, you want some mutual friends, but also some people that you don't know. If it's completely filled with your friends, there's no room for random hookups.
Gotta hit that sweet 60-40 split. Pull out that dress and you have a morning news, but you know, it makes you look damn fine. Tip number three, question whether you ever looked good in that fucking dress and then put on that one that you borrowed from a friend many, many years ago that you never, ever, ever are going to give back. Bring it back with everything you might need. This leads me to my favorite tip, tip number four, M-S-G-P-K-G-W-S-B-L-S-F. Makeup, shoes, granola bar for when you get hungry, phone, keys, gum, wallet, book, lint roller, sunscreen, and fan. M-S-G-P-K-G-W-S-B-L-S-F.
Easy. Tip number five, always, always, always use a ride-sharing app to get to your destination. No drinking and driving.
You know it's bad. Boy, that is an upsurge.
Tip number six, walk to your destination maybe. It's only five miles.
Oh my god, you made it! Yay, I made it.
We're just heading out. No, I just got here. We're not really feeling the vibe. Yeah, so sorry. But I just paid the $30 cover. We'll see you later. Later.
Well, $11.55 is a great time to look for somebody for that midnight kiss. Sometimes it can be tough playing the field, but there is normally one guy who looks, who needs men when there's women? Maybe. Midnight, tip number 93, or something, is a good time to go to the bathroom.
The lines are really sharp. And the mirrors can be looked into to think about all of the bad things that you did in the last year.
Great. All I want to do on New Year's. It's fine. Happy New Year, bitches! Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_view_jack_harlow_snl | Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg, and I'm technically not the star of the View, but I am the only one here who has ever been asked for an autograph. And as always, I'm joined by the pimp into my Jordan, Joy Behar. Oh, come on, I'm Rodman. tell me I'm not Rodman. Well, I know you've ruined some hotel rooms in Vegas. that's for sure. we're also here with a couple of members of the B team.
Thank you, Whoopi. very nice. Anyway, some of you may recall, on Monday our interview with Ted Cruz was interrupted by climate change protesters. But today we are looking forward to a more upbeat episode with a very exciting guest. Please welcome Jack Harlow. hey, ladies. thanks for having me. And can I just say, Whoopi, it's an honor. you are an icon.
Oh, all right. don't compliment me all quiet like that, Jack. I have been closed for business since before you were born. Well, I'm looking forward to the grand reopening. No, no, no, no. come on. I am a dead woman walking. All right. excuse me. I don't mean to be rude to our guests, but there is something I wanted to say about the protesters earlier this week. no, no, no, no, no, no. we're not doing this again. they came to the show talking about a stop Big Oil. like, what do you want me to do? It's an important issue. they want me to stop Big Oil?
How? I don't know him. Whoopi, you're being just saying. Save the Planet. My God, I'm already saving our ratings. Whoopi. Joy. Hey, All. Goldberg. Whoopi. Jack, what do you think? it's all good. But Whoopi, is it the global warming, or is it just like getting a little hot in here? baby, please. we would never work. the only Mcs I need in my life are my cats and my cigarettes. You know, can I just say, personally, I think we should speak about climate change. Mm-hmm. Ok, thank you, sweetheart, But we moved on. back to the matter at hand, the one and only Mr. Black Harlow. would you stop playing with me? It's just Jack. Well, I got a question for you, Black. you and a lot of other rappers feature scantily clad women in your videos. don't you think that's objectifying to those girls? Oh, please. those bimbos took the gig. Come on now, Whoopi.
I'm sorry, but it's a music video. What they think it was for, a damn science video? What on Earth is a science video? did I say that, Whoopi? you did say that.
I did not say that. you basically said that. I did not. So Jack, what do you say?
Yeah, I guess I'll just say there's a lot of beautiful girls in my videos. But you know, right now, what I need most is a woman. Okay, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but it is working. I'm feeling like Indiana Jones just stepped on a booby trap because my whole dusty cape has started to rumble. I like that movie. maybe we should watch it together sometime. I hope you're not afraid of snakes. Okay, Jack, am I sensing a metaphor? Whoopi, I've met a lot of fours, but today I met a 10. so the snake was about his, Oh my God. Well, joy, I am wet. And that's all the time we have today, folks. bring it to mama. we'll be right back. |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_the_peanuts_characters_saturday_night_live | This is Abc News Nightline, reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel. the passing of Charles Schulz has left a void in the heart of America. his loyal readers, young and old alike, are celebrating Schulz's humor, warmth, and unique view on life. Tonight, on Nightline, some of those who worked closely with him would like to share their thoughts on this wonderful man. joining us tonight from his home in Phoenix, Arizona, Franklin. hello, Ted. And from her cabin in Northampton, Massachusetts, Peppermint Petty's little friend, Marcy. And finally, from his office in Seattle, Big Pin. Hi, Ted. Now, Franklin, let me just start with you. how did Charles Schulz touch your life?
Well, back then, I mean, this was the days before Fat Albert. I mean, back then, it was hard for a brother to get in the funnies. no one wanted to take the time to do the shading. But Charles Schulz, he looked beyond race. he knew that deep down we're all the same. we all have heads the size of the rest of our bodies. And when we turn sideways, our mouths disappear.
So true, Franklin. I should mention at this time that Charlie Brown very much wanted to be here tonight, but he's on location in Thailand shooting a film with Chalyon Fat. But he has issued this statement, my dog, his bird friend, and I are terribly saddened by this loss. it has hit me hard like a line drive, tossing me midair and knocking the clothes off my body. Now, Marcy, I'd like to turn to you. Uh, yes, sir. You say Charles Schulz was like a father to you. Well, sir, yes, sir.
I was going through quite a few personal problems. I was confused about my sexual orientation. and Mr. Schulz was cool about it at a time my own family wasn't. I was pretty obsessed with Peppermint Patty, sir. she just didn't like me that way. I see. I didn't know about you, Ted, but I always wanted to see some Marcy on Patty action. Yes, that would have been nice. Now, Pigpen, from your recently published autobiography, after the Dust settled my life in real estate, I gather Charles Schulz literally saved your life. Yeah, I had a pretty rough childhood. my parents were pretty neglectful. I mean, look at me back then. I was filthy. But whereas everyone else saw a smelly kid in a perpetual clot of dust, Charles Schulz saw a dirty, smelly kid who could teach the world about tolerance. and about Dolly Madison snack cakes.
All right, at this point, I'd like to warn our affiliates. we may be going a few minutes long tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. my producer, Carolyn Othmar, are trying to tell me something. what is that, Carolyn? yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't understand you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ted? Sir? Ted.
Oh, we understand her, Mr. Koppel. by all means, tell us. she's saying. live from New York, it's Saturday night! Thanks for watching! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_The_Top_10_Sydney_Movies_Of_All_Time_with_Alexei_Toliopoulos_Live_SXSW_Sydney | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello everyone. Hi. Hi, I'm Effie Bayman, lifestyle and entertainment reporter at Petuda Advocate and I'm joined here with editor Clancy Overall. Thank you for having us.
Now I'm not sure if you're familiar with the work we do at the Petuda Advocate. There might be a few internationals here who are unfamiliar with our conservative rural journalism but we've got a fluid operation and that's certainly easy to see in our reporting. We haven't been told we have an international audience but I don't understand it because I don't know how anyone in Buffalo, upstate New York, could in any way relate to our stories about hot mess Gladys but we do have an audience where the expats live and some complete randoms but you know countries like Singapore and Hong Kong and Tasmania are foreign to us in a way as well because we are at the end of the day slack-jawed, rural, I guess you'd say detached deplorables is some of the commentary we've been seeing this week. No one could imagine that we'd be enlightened enough to cover some of the more refined topics that we do cover like today, one of the headlines on the Petuda Advocate read Brisbane mum might be a little bit biased but she thinks the ponsianas at full bloom shit all over the jacarandas just quietly and seems some people down here can relate to that that's very niche Queensland content in fact we don't know much about Sydney other than of course all the political who are the cops that murder people but we don't really we don't know much about this place we know the Olympics was very fun we know what's happening here in Sydney this week is trying to recreate that kind of energy which I don't know it's kind of hard to do when ecstasy is no longer being manufactured in garages but you know that the place is still vibrant and fun but it's hard to know this place because Melbourne has a thing Melbourne certainly has an identity Queensland has an identity and Sydney is the middle ground it's obviously the biggest city but what is it to be from Sydney that's the question she's looking for a man down here she's having far more trouble than you'd imagine I heard I could you have is the place you go to find a nice yeah it's really hard to kind of put your finger on this Sydney you know Sydney felt like at one point was very working-class city you know that the suburbs of Redfern and Piermont and Ultimo actually rang true across the country we knew those suburbs but nowadays obviously it's been gentrified with a blowtorch and all of you know those cultural precincts have been effectively heavily restricted by various government interventions state lockout laws even the the pandemic lockdowns you could argue were kind of put in place to hurry along things for developers but I do think I do think Sydney does have a voice and I do think it has a style and a format but for us we've only really learned about that shit through film as Queenslanders and even people from Sydney can't really tell you what their favorite Sydney film is there's a few favorites I'm not going to say them because we're going to dig into this today as I said it's quite fluid of a tutor advocate we decide what we're doing on the fly today we decided we're going to interview a what I would describe as a cinephile a an absolute film buff from Sydney's inner-west himself Alexei Touliopoulos thank you for joining us I'm very excited because every conversation I've had with you any sort of obscure movie that I mentioned you know it yes I know every single thing about film there's not a movie I've not heard of well I did I did catch you out one day okay maybe there's a few times I've been caught I said you didn't know that Terrence Howard of hustle and flow fame had actually played Nelson Mandela in a little-known film yeah I did not know that about Winnie his wife about Winnie his wife that's the only time I've ever caught this man out and it's probably anyone else in the room know that parents Howard played Nelson Mandela in a movie not one soul it's probably they're trying to erase it from history did you have to go flagellate yourself one yeah I had to torture myself for three hours now Alexei he kind of he said he knows everything about every movie and he's kind of selling himself short because he also knows how it got funded he knows why you can't find that film on streaming services anymore because the rights are tied up related to some deal that happened in Chicago in 1960 whatever he knows any of that when he recommends a good film he'll often say actually have you got a VHS player like that's what we're dealing with here so he's kind of like Quentin Tarantino but maybe maybe not interfere more you know the human bodies are fascinating creature you know I'm excited by every single aspect of the human bodies yeah and in cinema you see a lot of bodies you see a lot of body in Australian cinema SBS late night soccer we you know we learn a lot of things I find Australian film and this is just me speaking has had successes in niches and genres queer cinema particularly I feel like we definitely you know punch above our weight around the world that may be because of you know we have a quick capital in the shape of Sydney there's we've had a lot of cool ethnic kind of like you know post-war migration community stories I'm hoping you're gonna discuss all these today Lexi what we've asked this man to do is count down 10 to 110 best Aussie films set in Sydney according to Lexi yeah it's been tough whittling them down because I do adore Australian cinema it is true I love Australian cinema I think we've got to celebrate it every single day you're gonna wake up and chuck on a beautiful blu-ray of the last wave or something to kick your day off and then come back home and chuck on a little something for mom you know yeah by that I mean probably like lentana yeah moms love lentana. What is it?
You get the two of the greatest hunks you got in the different style of hunk yeah you know the Paglia he's a beautiful little pocket rocket yeah the Colosimo he's a stallion yeah one of the great stallions of Australian cinema. He is and it's already quite an emotive discussion so let's get this thing underway with number 10 number 10 okay I want to pick for number 10 I call this generic city generic city because Sydney in the grand tradition of places like Toronto around the world it stands in for global cities yeah very often and there's one movie in particular that does it great but you know got examples like the Power Rangers movie Babe 2 Pig in the City. Sydney stands in beautifully for everything else but I would say the greatest example of it and it's a movie that I feel so much pride when I see it is the Matrix trilogy okay I would say the Matrix trilogy it's one of the great Sydney movies yeah Martin plays Martin plays the woman in the red dress I look for her every time I'm there distracted by that woman one day but you know even like the finale of the whole series takes place in the Botanic Gardens yeah and I think that's just beautiful and we had Keanu Reeves was obviously staying in the toaster mm-hmm getting around on a motorbike and just plowing natives by evening I think he had a good run here yeah we probably got a few Keanu teenagers around yeah I reckon the Gatsby teenagers would be popping up now too they just started the HSC those guys did you hear Leo's in back room the matrix as well I that my favorite Sydney moment in the matrix is during probably the iconic sequence in all of the matrix it's near he's leaning back through that beautiful lean back he's dodging bullets and in the background you can just see the Telstra logo building I think that there's something about that way just like I feel a churning in my body when I see that yeah you know that's that's my dream as well if I could go into any simulation absolutely I'll go back to Sydney 1998 1999 that Millennium cusp that's where I'd love to go back to yeah yeah and just get a run as a runner become my own father yeah that's a great film I'm back to the future anyway I think that's a hot take coming in number 10 the matrix I'm excited to see it's also just goes to show how we told Alexi before this you make your own rules what is in the Sydney film the Sydney film could be a film filmed here where Sydney is playing a generic globalist city or it could be a trilogy he's also pointed out I think I hear this cinema style anything's a movie if I choose it okay yeah well you make a rule but number nine number nine good lord I'm already freaking out okay number one I'm actually gonna go for a rarity this is a real rare movie it's a movie I discovered when I was back in film school from 1983 Australian filmmaker called Hayden Keenan and it's a movie called going down has anyone seen going down in this room not a song yeah I'm sorry I don't want to interject but is this one of those ones I was saying from queer cinema it kind of has a little I would say this queer elements to it for sure yes there are gay people they exist in real life and movies get used but it's not the whole film isn't about blood there's some straight stuff for straights in there too we could everybody can enjoy this beautiful we're getting forgotten there's a dream or two and heck there might even be a pecker in this movie all right I think there might be a pecker I think Australian film law allows flaccids no no yeah no direction what is it you can't go past you can't yeah I think it's like 9 o'clock 38 degrees or something yeah but going down it's from 1983 it's kind of new wave Australian cinema new wave meets like the music of new wave 1980s kind of vibe what does new wave mean it means like Renaissance it's like a different way to say Renaissance yes so it's kind of like that's doing film Renaissance we had like you know your Peter Wees and stuff like that but Hayden Keenan not that well-known filmmaker but he's fantastic he's left a real imprint and this film in particular I remember discovery in film school and it is to describe it it it's almost like proto girls with about a one night out of these four young women and one is about to go to New York the next day they have like one last big blowout night of the town they all get separated they all have different stories and the movie begins quite naturalistic it's like a share house movie you see them starting a share house it's been storm is in it who is probably best known as the teacher principle on around the twist and it was like the right yeah he plays like a junkie author a junkie writer and so it's like these three young women they're going out on the town it starts very naturalistic and as the night progresses and things get wild and things get weirder it becomes a little bit more expressionistic a little bit more surrealistic kind of also like the Scorsese film after hours like it really captures like this nocturnal landscape of Sydney you've got great like little run bars like Bondi Pavilion Darling Hearst lots of like King Cross and you kind of see like a lot of this creative team would actually go on to make around the twist and so you see like a lot of like the kind of like expressionistic surreal stuff that that show would really you know capture you know young people's millennial really yeah yeah absolutely I mean like every person I know in comedy we all like you know surrealists because around the twist exists so and there is I would say there is a new restoration of this it was hard to find I had to buy a DVD copy from the director's website twice because I lost it when I was moving so it's hard to find but there is a restoration they had a little work-in-progress screen of it last week at a Bondi film festival yeah I know everything about it you are a film buck because some of this is going to fly by and we eventually um pins and paper ready yeah we start we start getting moving on this list we're to it number right number eight okay I'm gonna do a cheeky tie a cheeky look I already got a tie and I totally gonna break rules really fast otherwise we start a tie I'm gonna go to films where one of my very favorite filmmakers Gillian Armstrong she made like my brilliant career many great films but the two that I love that I think of the two of the very best Sydney movies ever is her kind of fantasy musical comedy starstruck which is about a young girl has dreams of being a star dreams of being a pop singer and then it's a musical about that and the finale takes place at the Opera House but she lives in the Harborview Hotel in the rocks okay and so it's just I think it's one of the most cinematic Sydney has ever looked because it's just so vibrant such beautiful colors and it's just as well it's got that new wave soundtrack like it's just gone Renaissance yeah Renaissance you got like mental as anything and stuff like that the music is by the swingers so it's like a Reg Mombasa Sydney absolutely Reg Mombasa Sydney and that like LP has got real Reg Mombasa style like designs all around it that's a great great musical score as well just really really fun she also made another movie is this the tie this is the time so this is a tie we're getting the title early I mean we did begin with a three-way tie between one film as well but the other movie is this movie called the last days of which is in the book is set in Melbourne as written by Helen Garner and then they adapted it to Sydney for film and it is set in like the Glebe foreshore Wentworth Park area and it's basically about a little family and of course it's a 90s era Sydney movie it's all about an affair happens in it yeah and you've got the great body here lots of body hair you've got the great Bruno Ganz who's a German actor playing his French guy JP Jean Paul and he wears a beautiful stripey French shirt throughout of as well but it's like that's the area I went to school in that like Glebe foreshore area I want to tell the story you love this I love this is my favorite Lexi story I used to I went to school at Blackwater Bay which is like right near the fish markets and I used to jig school and go have like lobster mornay like probably the most like the easiest way to describe who I am a little cosmopolitan fella a little lobster mornay something like that I would go get a couple of oysters and then go back and do English class the teachers thought he was smoking weed he was trying you have to try the lobster mornay the fish market exquisite I don't know if they're still there I don't know what they've got but my uncle also is a fishmonger that works there so I have to dodge him number seven number seven okay this is a big one that I love this is an Ozploitation movie from 1975 by the director Brian Trenchard Smith he did BMX bandits and stuff like that it's a movie called the man from Hong Kong and it is such a ripper this is if you've got a big bunch of mates you've got some beers you doing something kind of wacky this is the absolute one to chuck on because it just absolutely kicks ass it's a martial arts movie set in Sydney we've got Jimmy Wang Yu is the lead he was kind of like the heir to the throne when Bruce Lee passed away and originally this movie was meant to have Bruce Lee Brian Trenchard Smith was going to Hong Kong to meet him as he lands he sees a newspaper announcing his death so it's like in a very specific point in history that this film gets made and they kind of pitched this as like a Hong Kong James Bond movie so James Bond is in Sydney but he's Hong Kong and he's trying to solve like this drug ring thing and then the villain in the movie is literally played by James Bond George Lazenby okay I was hoping for a bit of Asian Pacific where yeah we got a little bit of a relation there and the thing that the way that I love this movie is like great action sequences beautiful martial arts stuff great stunt work but the way that Sydney is portrayed in it is so funny because there's a moment where very early on they're going to meet the cops are going to meet this guy and cops are Roger Ward and Hugh Keysburn who are like from you know Mad Max great stars of Australian cinema and like yeah we'll meet you at this cafe and they get to the cafe the cafe is literally the Opera House they just use that as the backdrop for this cafe like yeah we're at this cafe there's like five sequences like and chases happening around the National Art Gallery and stuff of New South Wales so it's just like great like I would say the only thing that like has captured that in Sydney since is absolutely and maybe I'll do a cheeky tie in here as well yeah Mission Impossible 2 okay that's a great action movies of Australian and Sydney cinema and Mission Impossible 2 rocks because you see a Fort Falcon uses the chase vehicle.
I didn't think that was pretty smart. You love those Fort Falcons. Yeah they didn't really have much to pick from in the stunt department. Yeah you got those Fort Falcons I also love that all the it's like yeah we're doing deals and it's like these big espionage things and you got like the ugly pink Aussie money.
Some Twinnies, some lobsters. Yeah a couple of lobsters. Lobster morning.
That's a 20 with a 50 on top. He's good. Number six please Alexei Touliopoulos the Greek freak of cinema. All right I'm gonna go.
It's the only one I've ever got really. It wasn't that long. Not very long though.
But it's also like I want to see the cross look like that. Before it was too sanitized. I'd love to go get scared there. I used to love it. I used to work in the cross just before lockout laws.
At a video store yes. It wasn't that freaky. Planet of the tapes. Love that. Two Hands is a ripper.
Rose Byrne 18 years old wearing an op shop dress.
Done on a budget. Done a great budget.
And like so many great people. Heath Ledger my god probably the best actor like shows ever produced. And then you've got so many people like I don't know just love that man. Brian Brown there's some rippers in man. The hungry thirsty guy from the oak ad.
It's number five. God number five.
Okay. I will probably go The Last Wave. The Peter Weir movie The Last Wave.
It is like apocalyptic film. I think Australians have like a real fascination with the apocalypse. And this is like a pre the pre before we had the language to talk about it but like a climate a cli-fi movie if you will like a climate fiction where we are this white man experiences a dream that is connected to an indigenous man played by David Gulpilil and they find like this kind of cosmic connection with each other and through the dream that they share they see a vision of this wave coming to basically wipe out the world.
Alright we've seen a few big wave films in recent years. This is the first I'm guessing. Yeah this is like a this is definitely up there and I think it's a really interesting take of using two different philosophies or mythologies to explain and to understand the end of the world from two different cultures. From an indigenous culture and from a European culture. So basically we caused this and we warned you. Those two interpretations in the world. It's very interesting and it's like an early example of a filmmaker like Peter Weir collaborating with indigenous filmmakers and indigenous people to tell a story. Oh heaven forbid an indigenous technical advisor. Yeah I think it's an early example of that and I think you know it's a good point to look back at that to see like how far we've come with how no longer it's not just collaboration now it's about telling their own stories as well.
Yeah it's a very interesting film. Love that movie. Number five. Oh it's a documentary babe. A little documentary. Well the doc goes on film. You want to say doc goes on the movie? It's a movie. At 93 minutes.
I didn't know that off the top. I did look that up.
It's a movie called Rats in the Ranks. Has anyone seen Rats in the Ranks?
Oh it's Leichhardt Council. Leichhardt Council.
Robin Anderson and Bob Conley two of the best documentary filmmakers in Australia ever. They're like pioneered observational documentaries here in Australia. Oh they did that other one about the racist cops in Redfern. I didn't know that one but they did a movie called First Contact about Papua New Guinea. They were nominated for the Academy Award for that. But this movie is about Leichhardt Council.
There's a guy Larry Hand who's just like how would you describe the guy Larry Hand? A brazen but charismatic crook which we know the political class of New South Wales is stacked with but this guy's pretty damn good. And he was the mayor of Leichhardt in like the late 80s early 90s.
Good. Except for the fact that he let everyone in the council get mic'd up for what he was doing. That's what blew my mind. It was similar to the one that he did with the Redfern cops. I'll remember that name in a second. Coppitsweet that's cool. If you want to see a brazen brazen insight into why we maybe got that referendum wrong over the weekend. What OK so doc guys are now in the mix. I just think this is a fascinating movie because it's like you get a real insight into like the machinations more community politics and this guy he's like such a man he's like such a you know I guess.
It was great that he wasn't Italian for Leichhardt at that time and they kind of had a bit of a reputation. It was good that the lead crook wasn't Tony Soprano-esque. He's got a Tony Soprano-ness about him if you will. He's quite suave.
But it's a great they've filmed for a long time and you just go holy shit they must have forgot the cameras were there the stuff they talk about. And it's like this kind of performance aspect where he gets off on like being kind of charismatic and big and like showing off to his constituents and stuff. He lets them record him on the phone talking about shit. Does he keep the job afterwards when the movie came out?
It was a time before our current political climate where you could just say all of this evidence presented towards me is fake. I don't know how he met his demise and we won't spoil it. But nowadays you could just say that's just leftist media rubbish. It's not true that I made that deal on camera with a microphone on my chest. It's AI. I've been deep faked.
Number four. OK.
I'm going to go this wasn't even the original on my list but I've been thinking about this movie a lot. A horror movie. A found footage horror movie.
2011. It's called The Tunnel. Found footage. Explain that. It's like a faux documentary. OK. So we're talking Like the Witchcraft one? Yeah. This one is presented more as a documentary. So it's like the premise is basically a current affairs style journalist. There is a story that the New South Wales government is going to the tunnels beneath St. James Station and stuff that are now filled with water and they're going to desalinate and purify that water to help with the drought or whatever. So that's going to be used for drinking. Political innovation. That kind of thing. There's all these rumors about it. So these are current affairs journalists go down into the tunnels and when they go down there they meet an entity of some kind.
As a creature of some kind? Is it a lizard person?
You don't get a clear look. I can't really tell you.
But it's kind of a freaky fella. It's definitely a freaky fella I would say.
What's that thing they have in England in the sewers?
The fat, the lard? Oh, fatbergs. They had no fatbergs. What's fatbergs?
Look it up on Google. Google it. Google the pictures.
Fatberg? Fatberg.
When all the fat meets up in the sewers. It becomes disastrous. Oh my god.
What sort of entity could come out of that system? Apart from turtles that know how to do martial arts. And have Italian names.
They'd love pizza. They'd do great pizzas down there. Great pizzas.
Where were we then? That was four?
Oh my gosh.
I'm below the few big loads already. There's some great loads at the end. Don't be a cinephile. Okay. What have we got? Maybe a little high, but another little one too.
The Combination and See The Boys. These are two cool pictures. Levanthian crime dramas. I think they're both really interesting. They both come out around the same time.
The Combination, that was such a just a point in history where we were post-Chronella Rites but there was still so much tension. And then that film, they were scared that there was going to be fights in the cinema. I think people were getting... I think there was knife play at certain screenings of that show. And I know that those haircuts at that time were so obscene. But now it's like your textbook NRL star has the kind of papali side-shaped off mullet. But that was... I wanted that so badly. It was an abrasive look in the 2000s. I found that, I feel like that might have been the moment for Feras Durrani.
That was his jumper. He later played Johnny Broom in Underbelly. But the fun fact... And also guy in that single dad's TV show. Yes, House Husbands. There was also the director of that was Hungry Thirsty Guy from the OK.
David Fields. Always comes back to him. Yes, David Fields.
Which was great because nowadays a film like that would be told by a Lebanese writer, a Lebanese director. But I feel like David Fields was doing one for the West. As a Westie he'd come up probably facing a lot of adversity in cinema because of his Australian cricketer accent. He was able to do one for the next generation coming through, which at that time the stigmatised kids were the Lebanese kids.
And very much so, as you said, post Cronulla Rice. It was public enemy number one. I was a Greek kid growing up around that time. And it was truly one of the most scared I've ever been in my life. Since then, probably more personal fears like career-based stuff. But back then it was like, oh my god, my art teacher got bashed into Cronulla Rice.
Or he said he did, I don't know. Maybe he just got black-eyed somehow one day at that time.
So yeah, I mean that was scarier at that age than quicksand. Absolutely, that was my second piece. Bermuda Triangle was a big deal. I was terrified of that bit. I was worried it was going to grow. That's what climate change was, that Bermuda Triangle was getting bigger.
But George Basher was the writer of that film, who also plays the older brother in The Combination. He was technically, he was almost like an experienced extra in the sense that he was an ex-con.
Yeah. So Cedar Boys, tell us about that. Because that was the unsung Lebanese drama at the time. Yeah, it was more, I would say a little bit more Mean Streets like Scorsese kind of vibe. It's like about three boys of Lebanese descent that kind of slowly get swept up in that world of crime. Like drug deal. But it's also a lot about the culture clash between young Australian people and young Eastern people. But I think it's like you said, unsung. I think Cedar Boys is really good.
Maybe I like it even more than The Combination. But I will also give a nice shout out to David Field. The opposite of a tie. We'll just knock one of the others out. It's inches above. Now we're doing 11. Okay. But David Field as well, he's in the band of another great Australian character actor, Jeff Morell. And I just think that's awesome.
Number two? Two, yeah. Yikes. Okay, number two.
I don't know. Let's just skip number two. Oh gosh. Okay, I'm jumping around. You're worried about giving someone silver right now, aren't you? Yeah, exactly. But, I don't know.
I'm going to go, I love Lantana. I think Lantana is so good.
And mums love it. I think every parent owns that movie on DVD. If you gave birth to a child in the 90s, you have that movie on DVD at some point.
Yes, the plant that you just can't get off your trousers. You just cannot get rid of it. And it sticks to you. It sticks to your trousers and you get caught.
The great cast, Lea Purcell was amazing in that film. This is something I stand by. Every single role Geoffrey Rush ever played would be way better if Gary Macdonald played it. I 100% believe it. Go through any movie you watch with Geoffrey Rush. Get an AI to create Gary Macdonald. A lot of tech people here at South by Southwest. I would love to invest in this. If someone is out there that knows AI technology, some kind of deep bakery where we can just go back to every Geoffrey Rush movie, put Gary Macdonald in there.
I think it will be we will make at least one million dollars. One million dollars. I guarantee you, one million dollars.
That is Alexi Tholyopoulos' answer to separating the art from the artist. Exactly, we get a new artist.
Gary Macdonald in every movie. Every time someone is cancelled, put Gary Macdonald in. Everybody loves that fella.
He gets cancelled and then we move on. Wouldn't ever happen. If he does, you put me back on plan.
Number one brother. Number one. It is actually my favorite movie of all time. My favorite number one. This is number one of the Australian film set in Sydney list. You are saying this is number one of your ideas. Number one, everything. My favorite number one. I am excited for this. Yeah, Attack of the Clones. My favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite movie. I love Looking for Alabrandi. Number one, all time. Any category, number one.
I never felt more seen than a movie. Sometimes the silver screen is a portal to another world. Sometimes that silver screen is a mirror that looks back on your own life. That is the area that I grew up in. That is so much my life. When I watch that movie now, it is like looking at my family photo album or something. It means so much to that movie. I don't want to cry. I love Looking for Alabrandi. It is my favorite, favorite movie. For any internationals in the audience, it is a beautiful story about a young Italian girl, effectively similar to myself.
Not that far off. Very, very close in age. Interest is this young man.
The HSC, I am so scared about it. I am freaking out about it every day. HSC is scarier than criminal rights.
I would love to get it just in the evening. Please, let me in for my mates.
She is dealing with class and xenophobia in Australia. She is on scholarship at one of the big Catholic schools in the eastern suburbs. She faces a lot of bigotry and discrimination.
She gets to fuck Kick Gurry, dude. She gets to fuck Kick Gurry?
That is awesome. Everyone is doing it.
Delusion Virginia to Kick Gurry? My God. Effie and I interviewed Kick Gurry the other day about his new show at court. I hope he got Delusion Virginia to him.
When we asked him, we said, did you ever have an Italian girlfriend after this film? He goes, no, but I went through the suburbs.
I was a hit. He was saying him and Drasik. They are on reach. They are traced by schoolgirls. My God, that is a dream. It was Drasik and Kick Gurry who are sex icons for southern European schoolgirls. Which I am in my heart.
They got chased off a beach in Manly. The first canola riot. Basically. The first riot was the opposite. There was too much love. That is an interesting one. It is a great love letter to Sydney in a sense as well. It is somewhat of a bygone era. The city has become quite expensive. Not many single mothers live in a terrorist house with their daughter and their nonna upstairs. Anymore.
If they do, they are very lucky. I can see why that resonated so well with you. I also fell in love with Pia Miranda as a young man.
This is a magnificent performance. She is like 27 playing 18. It is crazy. Now she still looks the same. That movie came out 100 years ago. It is a beautiful movie. Great performance. I love it.
Have you done the tour? I have lived the tour. I will take you on the tour.
I know the Haverfield streets. I know where Melina Marchetta the author lives. I have been to her house. With her.
She let me in. I did not crawl around. I snuck in through the letterbox.
We are going to allow you one special mention before we get one each. One special mention?
I did not say the boys. We are all in the woods.
That is the opposite of a love letter to Sydney. That is probably hate mail to Sydney.
That is why. I think the movie is really interesting as a response to the castle. About the darkness that lurks in Australian suburbs. Not to be confused with the Amazon Prime superhero show. No. Very, very different. It is actually based on a few horrible crimes that happened in Sydney around that time. It is interesting that you say it is a mirror to the castle.
It is about the mechanism of dopey Australian men and love. This one is about extreme Australian male toxicity in its searing white. Whitest heat.
That is a big one. I did not even think of that one. It would be pretty weird if you made that number one. That is why it is an horrible mention. That is a good movie.
What about you Effie? You get one. I am a bit worried because I think mine are a bit more mainstream. I do not have a cool... She said the Matrix trilogy. Okay.
I feel like this is like Moulin Rouge. I love Moulin Rouge.
It is a beautiful movie. I have a little cry every time I watch it. Ewan McGregor, peak of his beautifulness. That is a great film. I love it.
The Red Curtain trilogy. It is only a Sydney film by Lexi's rules. Because Moulin Rouge is set in Paris. They filmed it in Fox Studios.
I think. I am going to go with Erskineville Kings. Hugh Jackman. Probably more of a special mention. Any number one I had was already in your list. Hugh Jackman playing the role of a normal dude from Sydney is weird to watch. It is also from that era. Yes. When is he going to break into The Boy From Oz? I like that.
Again, what we are saying the nostalgia of Sydney. Similar era as looking for the brandy. Erskineville was basically the white red phone. To start it is just preposterous to think now that you would start a film set in Erskineville in this day and age with the young bloke coming back from Jackarooing in the Northern Territory.
He had to get out. The film starts with him coming back in a blue singlet. Great look for Hugh. Wolverine is going to get a blue singlet.
Or Logan. I thought that was what it was going to actually be. He has gone back to Logan. I thought it was going to be set in Logan.
Now, we have a microphone in the crowd. I know we have activated your inner film buff. If anyone has any questions for this human encyclopaedia. There is a movie that you kind of remember from 25 years ago. Describe it. I will find it for you. Any questions? We have one in the back corner here.
It is maybe a question as to whether or not Campbelltown falls into Sydney. Yeah. The Southern Highlands sure aren't claiming it.
Idiot Box with Ben Mendelsohn, John Paulson and the like. David Caesar. He was my directing teacher at film school. Yeah, but only for like three days. I don't know if I am in the lineage of him, but I think Idiot Box is rocking.
That is your favourite? Yeah. That is what I am going to have to look up. Amongst the many others you mentioned. Any other questions? Any other favourites? I will send a mic.
The hands went wild. Put a right on her hands.
This is a semi-favourite. I don't know if animation counts, but Finding Nebo. Oh yeah. Absolutely.
Never more exciting to see a Pixar animation movie set in Sydney. And perhaps the only film ever in the history of Sydney that includes Kiribilli.
There is no real reason to be there unless you are making something about Luna Park. But that is where the dentist was. Good pick. I don't know what it is called. Close your eyes and log it in.
Describe it vividly, sir. Describe it vividly.
It was like a dark comedy about the Cronulla Riots. Down Under.
Thank you. That is good. It is good, right?
I prefer, I think Fat Pizza did it better in season 1. Because what was happening then, they did it. I think Fat Pizza is in the five rocks. Well, Fat Pizza, say what you want about them. I reckon and this is something I learned from someone the other day from a Greek guy that grew up watching them, similar to you. Who said their depiction of white Aussie bogans is probably the most accurate we are going to get. Java from Channel V. Can I just add one more thing? I am from Perth and the biggest thing that happened was when they did the Fat Pizza live stage show that opened with a burnout on the stage.
To our tiny minds. We need to bring it back. We got to bring it back before we do anything.
Yeah. That is heaping. I wonder how the hell they let me do that. I think they are still making it. They still got it on Channel 7 or something. Yeah, but I have not seen it because it has come back. More amount of refined taste nowadays. Yeah, exactly.
Would we call you a sell out? Alright. I would love to sell out. If anyone wants to make that software about Gary McDonald that would be my sell out.
That is what I really want to do. That is my career goal.
No, we have still got love for hella brandies. We have got to wrap it up now. We have kept your ears longer than we could go for hours. I am sure you could listen for hours.
Where can they find you? You can find me hanging around here. I have got my podcast, special features with me and Cameron James. We talk about pop culture and also me and Cam are like investigative documentarians.
We made a series for YouTube called Finding Yeezus. We basically solved one of the greatest unsolved mysteries on the internet. It was unsolved for 10 years and we were the first people to find a cracker.
It is very funny. Thank you for joining us. Enjoy the rest of your South by Southwest. Yes, that concludes the last of our three live stage shows, I guess you could say. Live podcasts from South by Southwest Sydney 2023. It was a great little junket down there. We had some great fun. We spoke to some great people. We will be back next year doing a lot more of that.
If you did like the podcast you just listened to I know he is a favorite guest of ours Alexei Toliopulos. If you liked hearing him go full cinematic he has got a brand new podcast called Sunburnt Screens coming out on November 23. That is a couple of days from now. You will get everything you just heard and more from Australia's greatest cinematic taste maker. Here is a little taste of the trailer. Hello, it is Alexei Toliopulos here and it is my pleasure to introduce you to Sunburnt Screens.
A brand new podcast that is a celebration of Australian cinema. As you know it is my mission on earth to introduce people to the films that they are going to love forever. This podcast gives me a very special opportunity to introduce you to some rare gems and some classics of Australian cinema. Over this series I will be interviewing some of the cream of the crop some of the best filmmakers this country has ever produced. Everyone from Armstrong to Rolf de Heer the Spierig brothers even the ausploitation legend himself, Brian Trenchard-Smith and there are so many more. I have had so many great conversations with these filmmakers and I am so excited for you to hear it. We are going to kick things off in a few weeks by exploring a sinister side of cinema with Australian horror films. We are going to be looking at this great new wave that has emerged in this country over the last decade plus of wicked weird and wild horror movies. Everything from the Babadook to unearthed classics like Lake Mungo and the Tunnel and of course that means covering modern classics like the Babadook but also exploring around some perhaps films you have yet to hear about or films that are resurging right now like Lake Mungo and basically everything in between and telling you what is happening in the future for this most dastardly of genres. But that's just the start from there I'll be guiding you on a mighty cinematic odyssey through some of my favourite films and meeting some of my favourite filmmakers.
I hope you'll join me for Sunburnt Screens. We'll be here with you in just a few weeks time on the 23rd of November.
What's even more exciting is this podcast is made in partnership with Umbrella Entertainment, one of the best distributors of Australian cinema with one of the fastest libraries of Australian films. So alongside this podcast there is a brand new streaming service that they've opened up that library to for you called Brolly. You'll be able to find many of the movies that we'll be looking at and discussing on that streaming service and even more. So enjoy it. Listen and watch along on Brolly. |
TheOnion | Police_Kidnapped_MoveOn_org_Staffer_s_Please_Help_Emails_Went_Completely_Ignored | And some tragic news out of New York City, where a campaign director at the liberal public policy advocacy group MoveOn.org was found dead yesterday. Kat Barr had apparently been kidnapped 11 months ago and had been secretly sneaking Internet access to constantly send emails for help from her MoveOn.org account, but not a single one of them was read. The Onion News Network spoke to Seattle resident Brandon Jones, who was the first person to notice Barr had been kidnapped when yesterday.
He accidentally opened one of her emails while trying to delete it. Well, the subject was, why is no one talking about this? And I just figured it was just another clip of a Republican saying something dumb, but it was actually pictures of Kat Barr all beaten up and disfigured. Of course, I didn't mean to open it, but I'm glad I did. The longer Barr remained in her nightmarish prison, the more desperate her emails became, escalating from subject lines like, judgment day is just around the corner, to the more explicit, please help, I'm being held captive at 423 Rosedale Avenue in Queens. And sadly, each one went completely unnoticed, even by her own family. She had to have known that no one reads those emails, right? I mean, did she really think that people read them? Oh God.
Ms. Barr's coworkers at MoveOn.org were alone in noticing Barr's disappearance and tried desperately to find her appearing on all major cable news outlets to spread the word. But according to reports, 100% of viewers muted their TVs as soon as they realized someone from MoveOn.org was speaking and news anchors interviewing the MoveOn.org employees admitted to completely zoning them out. Security camera footage taken yesterday shows a frantic Kat Barr in a MoveOn.org t-shirt after managing to briefly escape her captors. But after 30 minutes of unsuccessfully pleading with passersby for help, her kidnappers found and killed her. The dozens of bystanders assumed they were simply witnessing another MoveOn.org publicity stunt.
Such a tragic story. It makes me want to go back and look through all of the emails I never look at from the American Cancer Society.
All right, after the break, a new medical study finds morning is the healthiest time of day to eat a plate load of bacon. Since the U.S. switched to using cows as money two months ago, reports show that many people are unable to herd their cows into simple transactions. Were we too quick switching to a cow-based economy? Find out Sunday. |
dropout | camp_first_day | All right, look, I know it's fun being out here in the woods, away from your parents, hormones raging, but you have to remember that you are counselors. It's camp for them, but it's a job for you, okay? Any questions? Now, I myself came to Camp Winnicocka when I was a boy, yeah, became a counselor, even when I met my wife here, a lot of good memories, but that's all over now, huh? Things have changed.
Not everybody has the same definition of monogamy, right? I'm not the one who has the trouble keeping his vagina buttoned up, hmm? Not that I have a vagina, I have a penis, just a regular old penis, nothing special.
Of course, the gal I was dating before I met my wife, she seemed to think it was nice. Nice. That was her word, she kept calling it nice. But I'm not bitter, nope, I'm not bitter that she's still living with me, or that she's asked her black boyfriend to move in with us. Not that there's anything wrong with him being black, it's just, I just bet he's got a really great penis, you know? There's just, there's gotta be a monster down there. I admit at first I wanted her to sign the divorce papers and get out, but she made some good points. Besides, I got a nice little nook carved out for myself in the basement, you can see, I got a little bed there, I got a little TV next to it, everything. It's a little damp, but I don't mind.
It's my only complaint is kids running back and forth upstairs, I'm trying to sleep. That and I really hate my life.
Okay, uh, that's enough, let's get out there and meet those campers, okay? Get out there and meet your campers, all of ya.
Hey Thomas, Josh, I just found out that this place is built on an old Indian burial ground, and that the spirits of the angry dead raise up and prey on young souls, and that every year their power grows larger and larger. I mean, can you believe that we haven't known about this the whole time? It could be a cover up, it could be China just making it up.
Hey, shut up, you're a camp. Relax, dog. Camp baby. Camp. But...
Camp!
Hey, if you like what you just saw, rate and subscribe! |
cracked | why_the_new_terminator_movie_seems_so_familiar | John, you can do this, you just go and you don't look back. My whole life I prepared my son to lead humanity in the fight against the machines. On this night, we take back our world. There was one thing I could never prepare him for. The machines tried to rig the game, send a terminator back to the time before the war to kill my mother. I'll go back. Let me save her.
Howiece? You know who I am? We've been prepping for you to arrive for over a decade. We? The Terminator. It is nice to meet you.
I've been trying to teach him to blend in. I know it needs work. Where is he? Get out.
I'm not machine. I'm not man. I'm born.
I can't leave him. Whatever they did to John, we need to reverse it.
Everything's changed. We are humanity's last hope. Load up. I've been waiting for you. Everything's changed.
Boy, that video was fun, huh? A lot of laughs to be had there. Dan was probably in it. A lot of good things happened. We all had a really good time together.
Go ahead and go down to the comments and tell us the most intricate details of this video. That was about dogs. I want to say. Or subscribe to our channel. Or share this video. Disseminate it as you see fit. If you didn't like it, maybe now's the time for quiet. |
dropout | food_show_host_who_insists_food_gets_dropped_into_his_mouth | New York, New York. The city's so nice, they named it twice.
I'm here in the heart of Noho and I'm about to drop in to Ryan Leaf's BBQ. My name is Jeff Pouts and I'm on a mission to find the tastiest high-flying foods across the old U.S. of A. But on Droppin' In, we don't just try the food, we fly the food. Welcome to the only food show that is literally high stakes. This is Droppin' In. My first stop was the kitchen where I met head chef Devin Giovanni and his supercharged wings.
Okay, are you ready? I was born ready. Oh no! That was one hot wing, but we were just warming up. I asked Devin to hit me with his best shot, so he hooked me up with his famous jalapeno kiwi slider. You ready? I was born ready.
That is a very flavorful burger in order to crunch.
Are you from...alright? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. What else you got for me?
Cajun turkey chili. Catching a heaping pile of chili in my mouth was going to be a tall order. Chef Devin didn't think Ryan Leaf's BBQ could handle a drop this extreme, so we decided to take things out back.
So tell me about this chili, Dev, huh? What do we got?
Well, this is our spicy Cajun turkey chili. This is really, really hot, Jeff. I don't like my chili.
Chill, Devin. Alright. Okay.
Alright, are you ready? I was born ready. Start the dropperation! Oh, tasty Cajun! On the next Droppin' In. You ready for your pills? I was born ready. These are suppositories. Begin the dropperation! |
TheOnion | Report_Local_Gas_Station_Wouldn_t_Be_That_Hard_To_Rob | Citing its lax security, unguarded ATM machine, and numerous exit opportunities, passersby of a local VP told reporters today that if you thought about it for even a second, burglarizing its Reynolds and Murray location would be a pretty easy task. Half the time you go in, the guy's in the back, and I even think the register unplugs from the wall. Plus, if you had a couple buddies, you could totally grab that ATM and throw it in a truck. I would just pull a gun on the cashier and make him empty the register, have a car out front ready to floor it.
The highway's what? A mile from here? You could easily put two towns between you and the station in no time.
Customers added that considering the gas station's general lack of police presence, and the fact that the guy who works there late at night always seems to be fairly out of it, shaking down the place would be a cinch if anyone ever wanted to make some quick cash. Well, you've got an easy exit to a getaway car on Reynolds, not to mention the delivery exit which is always open in case something goes down. I have never seen anybody in there. There's no security camera, no bulletproof glass, I mean, all you'd have to do is jack open the cash register and be on your way.
I mean, it really couldn't be easier. Yeah. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_2 | Welcome to the 2010 National Elementary School Turtle Racing Final. I'm Claude Barker, and with me as always, Jerome Bettis. From half back to half shell, eh Jerome? I'm smiling as a polite gesture, but I am not happy. The race is just about to get underway, so let's throw it down to our sideline reporter, Winston Maddox. Winston was a competitor in the very first turtle race back in 1924, so we look forward to his unique perspective. Winston?
Oh! Ow, that hurts! Oh! Ow, my ear!
Alright, well, while we handle a little audio problem with Winston, let's take a moment to meet our three front runners. After a grueling run through a bracket of 1,200 schools and over 28,000 competitors, these three kids stand ahead of the pack. Have you been to every single one of these races? Yes, I have. Our first handler is Jimmy Gunderson, a three-time defending champion at this event. At this point, it almost seems like his repeated failure to graduate from elementary school is not stupidity, but strategy. Here's Jimmy's father, Howard Gunderson. Well, we have developed a state-of-the-art training facility, so my son will never, ever, ever, ever have to lose.
Ever, ever, ever. The Gunderson home boasts an indoor turtle racing court, two exotic racing turtles from Papua New Guinea, and a full-time turtle masseuse who works the animal's muscles for optimal speed. Okay. We will do anything to win. Anything. Well, why did you say anything twice and in that creepy tone of voice? Our second featured handler is Christopher Hooks. I'm dizzy.
Christopher is truly the Cinderella story of this competition, as the Hooks family has had a tough time of it lately. His mother passed away a mere two months ago, leaving his father, Henry, to provide for the family. But a week later, his father lost his job at the job factory. Christopher's older sister was diagnosed with the worst case of polio they'd ever seen at the local hospital. That is, until Christopher's younger sister arrived with an even worse case.
When my dog died, my dad replaced it with a turtle and hoped I wouldn't notice. But I did notice, and I smiled anyway, because my family needs me to smile. I miss our dog. Our final featured handler is little Olivia Newton Fong.
Olivia's lucky number is seven, the age at which she prematurely went through puberty. Her dark mustache, oily hair, vast beard of acne, and perpetual stank are the trademarks she brings with her into today's matchup. The puberty thing has been a blessing, not a curse.
Team sports are overrated. There's no glory.
Olivia gravitates toward the individual sports, like this, where all you need is the heart of a champion and a turtle. And that's good, because turtles can't smell. Is that accurate? Turtle can't smell? Her name is actually Olivia Newton Fong, for real? These three will be among the top contenders when we return to the turtle racing finals. Stay with us. Psycho Turtles! Psycho Turtles is pretty much Christopher... |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jake_and_amir_8 | ...and the world was... Take it here! It just like everybody was very important to me and when he would have been there... You're being experienced, don't do the dancey robot rap voice. Right? And just like yesterday was very important to me, I wish you had been there. Okay, you actually did mention that to me in one of your many angry text messages.
You said it was an important day and I asked him why and you wouldn't tell me. If you have to ask, then you don't know. I'm sorry, that's just how I was raised. Yeah, you're right, I had to ask because I didn't know.
I had a... Sounds important. I had a bar mitzvah. Okay. You were bar mitzvah yesterday as a 27 year old.
Mazel Tov, he's a liar. Yeah, that's right, he's lying.
I'll catch him though, right now. What was your Torah portion? It was when Moses descended Mount Sinai. About charity and slavery. Can response.
Where were you bar mitzvah? It was a conservative temple on 97th and between Israel and Barabic. Temple of Israel. So there was like a rabbi in there? Yeah, two rabbis, Rabbi Mordecai Finlay and Eli Heschel. My cantor was cantor Nathan Lando, he was filling a little ill. So you were bar mitzvah yesterday?
That really happened? Yes. Okay, why? It's called becoming a man. Ever heard of it? Shouldn't you have already been bar mitzvah? Yes, I have been several times. I'm a lot of man.
Okay, you guys, we're going to come up with an improvised song right now up here on the stage. That's right, completely on the stage. We've done it, okay. So what we need is... On the spot, no less. Let me get started. Literally the spot. Okay, you guys, what we need is a name from the audience.
You said Jenny! Jenny? Jenny, where are you Jenny? Wait, what's your...
We need a hobby. Give us a hobby.
Stab collected. Stab collected from Jenny? Jenny?
She's down to us.
We're going to write a song right now about stamp collecting from Jenny. Okay. You guys ready? Wait, you're going to play the guitar? You can do this? Why would I put it in here? I thought it was like a tie. I'm just short of habit. There are one about ties too. Okay. Yeah.
This is pretty neat. Jenny likes stamps all of the time. Jenny critters stamps in a neat little line.
Jake ditched me on my special day. Make me cry on the Torah. What would Jesus have said? He was a thief and the rabbi and my cousin, Leron. I looked up from the Torah and Jakey was gone.
I wasn't gone. I never actually came. Never came to shit.
Why not spit in my face? I'm like a zit on your pit. I can't pop and replace it. I'm so fucking sick. I'm just ill of the shit too. My only regret is that I can't fucking quit you. I wish I could quit you. |
cracked | when_body_switching_movies_collide_sci_fi_parody | Oh boy. Who did I quantum leap into this time? Al! Sorry Sam. Looks like you're inside the body of a teenage girl. Now I know how Polanski felt. Good one. Something's not right. According to my sensors, you're 40 years old.
Yeah, don't remind me. No, no, no. She is. She must work out.
Hold on to your hat Sam. According to this, this girl wished on a shooting star that her single mom would understand life from her point of view. Wait. You're telling me I quantum leaped into a freaky Friday? Yes. I have a history test today and I'm simple. And today's your big court case. Oh no. Oh no. Al, what are we doing here exactly? What's the good deed? Hold on. You're who?
Right, so I'm this woman's dead husband. Now what I want is to take my dead penis and put it inside of your friends sort of like a d*** puppet. So that I can make love to my wife one last time.
It's a pretty standard ghost request. Yeah, but you're only seeing his true form because of ghost rules.
See, he's quantum leaped into your daughter. So follow me now. You would actually be possessing your daughter's body to have sex with your wife, which has your daughter's brain in it. Entering my own daughter's body. Boy, now I know how Woody Allen felt.
Ah, good one. No, seriously though. I didn't know that. That's a pull. Well, sorry for wasting your time. I'm going to go find something I can't have sex with. Aye, do you want us to tell your wife anything? Nah. I'm good. Okay, so, to recap. Hold up there, Sam.
Reading further in the diary, it looks like you're also a high-ranking secret agent of some kind, hired for the Stargate Project for the Torchwood Institute in Roswell. Okay, I know what all those words mean, but I'm super confused now. Oh! Slider hole!
Who the hell are you now? You remain calm, Mrs. Cunningham. I've simply taken on a form that will make you feel more comfortable and familiar. You really haven't. And I'm not Mrs. Cunningham. I'm her mother. Listen.
This world is a fabrication, a false reality created by sophisticated computers and, follow me here, contained entirely within the mind of actor John Malkovich. I've been sent here by a corporation known as Millennium Group.
No! Shut up! Al, would you leave me out of here, buddy? I'm begging ya. Can't do it, buddy.
Oh, boy. Turns out I'm a silon. What?! I just wanted to clear some things up for you guys. A lot of you get me confused with Katie Willert.
Lovely girl, beautiful, but we are really nothing alike. I mean, sure, we both have brown hair, but that's it. I mean, she's got the gla- Well, we both have glasses, but hers are a different shape. And, well, we do have the same birthday, but... We're nothing alike, okay?
Get over it, guys. Get over it.
Just... Just click subscribe. |
cracked | california_drought_watch_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a little more of a serious and I want you to follow me through a week of prepping the Biggest new guy weekly yet California is gripped by drought. We need a video about it, which means we need to do some research I got my books ready my computer my thinking cap everything I need to make the video that will totally Tell you about the drought. I do have an email here. I need to look at real quick real It's a site stuff and I need to do real quick California is gripped by drought still we still need a video a website needs some new titles yesterday So I had to deal with that for all but but today we're gonna research we're gonna we're gonna get into the Okay, it looks like we need new titles today today like yesterday. We will we will get to this thing California is gripped by drought.
Wow. Okay.
How do I have this many emails about new titles? I'm sure this can Wow, okay Apparently, I have so many emails and slack notifications and Yahoo messenger messages that my computer is getting hot from from all the Active I didn't know I could do that. But apparently I touched it again California Don't we have interns they have finals.
Yeah, we're final be out of water You know, California script by drought. It's been an amazing Day before I need to have this video done finish my research see read everything there wrote a script based on that about the drought Memorize that script about the drought and now it's 3 30 in the morning. So I'm going to shoot it tomorrow morning Saturday morning the The only time I can possibly shoot it, but it's gonna be great. Today's the day. Here we go We're gonna blow this drought thing wide open.
No, no, no, no, no, no be another idea here There's got to be like, uh, no, no, no. Okay, please go with this. I Know what you're thinking and no, this is not I am NOT on the set of the popular film Mad Max For I am in the state of California a place dried of all that once was green thirsty once a term of youth culture now applicable to the dire state of Of this this state fact California supplies 90% of the merit of the nation's lettuce 92% of US strawberries 95% of US broccoli 98% of US pistachios I can't see but why give you numbers about how lawn sprinkling is is reducing our water when I can show you a state Where the truth is as clear as Well, not not the sky but like like like a clear thing like a good window That it takes 1.1 gallons of water to grow one almond fact We depend on three, California counties for 98% Oh, oh, that's oh, that's a wet sock. That's a wet sock. Ah Damn it.
Thank you so much for watching this video about about a real thing activism's hard Thank you for already subscribing to this channel this videos goofy But the drought is not it's going to take a big cooperative solution to fix it and save the state Also, I try to vary up the shirts that I wear in these videos, but I've made 34 of them now So I am I am out of t-shirts. I don't have that many So here's the fun idea if you mail a t-shirt to 1655 26th Street Sweet 100 Santa Monica, California 9 0 4 0 4 and it's in like an adult medium ish size I will wear it in one of these videos. You certainly don't have to videos will happen either way I'm just glad you watch but if you'd like to see one of your shirts in one of these videos go ahead and make it One of my shirts. I also I also won't give it back |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_man_punches_kangaroo_woman_ditched_after_ordering_48_oysters_on_date_snl | Van Leeuwen ice cream is introducing several new flavors, including craft Mac and Cheese, kettlecorn, and dill Pickle. And if any of those flavors sound good to you. oh, you're pregnant! New York City has enacted a new law requiring public schools to offer free swimming lessons to second graders, which will come in handy the next time it rains here.
Thousands of black women have sued L'oreal and Revlon claiming that their chemical hair straighteners made them infertile. L'oreal and Revlon have countersued claiming that maybe it's maybelline a man in Tennessee. A man in Tennessee survived after a stray bullet came through his windshield and only knocked off his glasses. And it turns out he's beautiful.
Don't clap for that. This week this week, the Wnba Finals were won by the New York Liberty. I'm kidding. Vegas beat them in for your phonies. you didn't see that game. Shame on you.
Three-year-old girl from Texas has become the youngest person ever to visit all 63 Us National Parks. Unfortunately, in the talons of an eagle, a woman complained online about a date in which a man snuck out of the restaurant and stuck her with the bill. After watching her eat 48 oysters and like you, I was completely on her side. Until the words 48 Oysters. Police say: a man in Nebraska snuck into a home and slept with a sex doll belonging to a man who recently died. Wow. she moved on fast.
All right. A martial artist in Australia punched a seven-foot-tall kangaroo that was trying to drown his dog. Australia. Where life is a mad lib, a woman in California is trying to raise awareness about a rare allergy. she has to water. yeah, I have that too. it's called alcoholism. We give the update. I'm Michael Che. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_Rednecks_Rise_Up_Hillsong_Supporter_Steers_Away_From_News_Wedding_Bells_In_Betoota_More_ | My name is Errol Parker and joining me this week is just Wendell Hussey. Wendell, how are you? Mate, I'm alright. I'm not too bad. How are you travelling, Errol?
A lot better than Clancy, mate. I hear he's dying of alcohol poisoning in his bed, so I guess we should kick this along, mate. Let's get this news bulletin rolling. Yeah, we're all thinking of him.
We're going to start off with a story from our glorious home state, and dumb redneck Queenslanders have somehow managed to crash the outbreak in seven days. Yes, Wendell, they have. The self-indulgent, sanctimonious people of our fine state, South East Corner, have somehow crushed an outbreak of the super-spicy cough despite historically being branded dumb rednecks by the denizens of the diseased South. This comes after the pangolins' wrath jumped the fence down in Indooroopilly the week before last, and concerns grew that the River City was going to see a widespread outbreak of the Sydney Sneeze. However, somehow they've avoided it. Yeah, the Deputy Premier of Queensland, Stephen with a V, Miles, told our reporters, I thought we were fucked, hey, but yeah, we've come good. Yeah, like, I was a bit nervous, like how those clowns down in Cough, South Wales reckon we're all just a bunch of dumb fucks who sit around all day doing fuck all.
But yeah, I reckon there's a bit of an egg on their face today. Yes, Wendell, there's a lot of egg on the face of every New South Wales leader, except of course for Dr Kerry Chan, who's gone missing in recent days. Hopefully Gladys and Brad, the breakfast sausage in a suit hazard, haven't banished her from the media because of her raw and honest answers to reporters. Yes, indeed.
Moving along to some more local news that has a slightly national twinge, a Hillsong mate has come out to reveal that he doesn't read the news, he reckons. A little bit hard to believe, isn't it, Errol? Indeed it was, Wendell. This tale follows the story of Rocco, a close friend from footy who manages to remain one of the most popular members of the club, despite his religious disdain for the lifestyles of many of his teammates. And as it turns out, Rocco hasn't been reading the news recently. Yeah, apparently it means he's not abreast of certain issues, such as the fact that the New South Wales government stole vaccines from places like Walgett, then gave them the virus in return, and that Hillsong founder Brian Houston was charged over allegedly hiding the child sex crimes committed by his father from the police. Yes, Wendell, a truly disgusting human being he is, if he's guilty, of course. Yeah, all allegations, but yeah, outside of the daily case number updates, Rocco has no idea about what's happening in the news, he says. Yes, once again, Wendell, I find that hard to believe, but we must move on.
We will move on indeed, and elsewhere around Batuta, a local woman has started hearing wedding bells after a hunky new man packs on a few kilos. Bit of a change of pace here, this is quite a lovely story, actually. It's about local woman Meg Thompson, who had met her boyfriend Thomas for the first time and been instantly wooed by his charm and good looks. And admittedly, she did feel a little bit confused when his head had swivelled her way. Now, it wasn't that because Meg was, you know, bad looking or even considered average, but her love of carbs did contrast a little bit too sharply in comparison to Thomas's ripped physique, which was a result of CrossFit six days a week. This twinge of insecurity has left Meg feeling irrationally guilty about not hitting the gym and being paranoid that onlookers couldn't help but comment that she was obviously punching above her weight, and that was a silly notion that fails to take into consideration the traits that are actually more important, such as personality, morals, or whether they have personalised plates on their car. Yeah, it's a tale as old as time itself. It was later revealed that Thomas did eventually gain a few kilos in the stomach region, though Meg insists that has absolutely nothing to do with her making him loaded nachos for dinner every night.
Funny to think that Clancy's been through that cycle, what is it, four or five times now? I think it is five, Errol, rinse and repeat.
And if you are wondering where he is, he is, as mentioned before, he is currently at home with alcohol poisoning, so if you're listening, boss, we do hope you feel better. Getting into some political news now, and Scotty has come out to say, just get your jabs and we'll talk cash later. I swear, I'm good for it, lad. Yeah, look, I was a bit confused by this one. I mean, if you haven't seen the accompanying photo with this article, it shows the Prime Minister in a nautica bucket hat with a few earrings. I know that the Prime Minister has been trying to rough up his image for the past 20 years, but I think it's just taking things a bit overboard. I think you're showing your age a little bit here, Errol. Anyway, as more and more of his close associates get charged for either committing or concealing evidence of sex crimes by the day, Scotty from marketing is starting to think giving working Australians a bit of free cash might result in the good press he so desperately needs.
Well, I might be old, Wendell, but at least I got to see Fleetwood Mac live in Kowloon while I white-knuckled my way through the set, high on the most powerful chimp this side of Causeway Bay. Shout out to our Hong Kong listeners, hopefully see you soon, but back to the story. That's Fleetwood Mac, that's the one from the TikToks, isn't it, Errol? The guy skateboarding?
Yep, the Prime Minister had previously slammed a Labor Party plan to give Australians a $300 jab incentive payment in a bid to avoid lockdowns and boost struggling businesses. Certainly sounds like quite a story there in Hong Kong, but it does sound like a better one than that other one of yours about administering Narcan to John Howard the night John Aloisi got us into the World Cup. Sounded like quite a wild night. Anyway, Mr Morrison said that rather than pay Australians off, he would pay a GP to sit down with them and alleviate their fears because it goes against his core political ideologies to give money to people who aren't likely to vote for him. Yes, the GPs really are the unsung, underpaid heroes of suburbia, aren't they?
No comment, Errol. I will not say anything about that.
No, well, I think that's all we've got time for this week. We've raced through the Wendell. And until next week, I just wish all of our listeners a happy weekend and I hope that you win Powerball next week. And to that bloke who won Powerball this week, good on you, but fucking hell, mate. That's a lot of money. I hope he spends it wisely. Yeah, stay safe, stay sanitised and go well out there. We'll be back again soon.
Bye-bye. Bye. |
ClickHole | this_app_will_change_the_way_you_listen_to_music | Music is your love. Music is your life. So why not optimize your musical experience?
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dropout | the_hunger_games_unabridged | You read the novels, you saw the movies, but you haven't truly experienced the Hunger Games until now. For the first time, read Suzanne Collins' bold dystopian vision, with over 200 new pages, including every reference to shitting in the woods. It felt like only hours since the bloodbath at the cornucopia, but judging from the sizable dump she had just taken behind this old elm tree, it must have been at least half a day. She grabbed another handful of leaves and thought of Pita. Finally, the complete saga unfolds. Katniss hungrily eyed the careers as supplies. They stacked them by the lake, all of them prized gifts. Food, drinking water, toilet paper, hand sanitizer, spades for digging small discreet 8-10 inch holes in the woods for shitting in. Hunger Games on a Bridge is also available in audiobook.
Don't be scared, Katniss told the little girl from District 11. I've got food and fire and there's enough light so when you shit, you can see what you're doing. The little girl nodded. I crapped earlier in the dark and it got everywhere. Gross, Katniss responded.
We should be allies.
Katniss could hear Kato's footsteps on the other side of her tree. Panic! She crouched lower and thought back to her training. Did she have to bury this stuff now, or was it cool to just cover it in leaves? Or maybe, Kato would slip it in and die. Delve deeper into the world of Katniss Everdeen and the timeless themes of her story. Katniss woken the dead of night to a rumbling in her belly and a terrible thought. What if the capital sees me shitting and they take it as an insult?
Trapped. She's trapped.
How long was I out for? Almost three days.
You shit yourself like five times. I, um, watched over you. Thank you. Oh, don't touch my face. End of the line, District 12. Oh, God. Must be those berries I had for lunch. Can we take a bathroom break? Yes, sir. Oh, thank you. It'll only be like five minutes. Oh, my God. Hey, come on, stop. No fair.
Ew! |
cracked | 4_popular_zombie_survival_tactics_that_will_get_you_killed | So the shit's finally going down, huh? You're gonna be fine, okay? Just stay alive and don't try any of the four popular zombie survival tactics that will get you killed. Like whatever you do, don't...
Oh, come on. A gun? Not what I mean, kiddo.
Yes, America has almost as many Americans as it has guns. Yes, the time for common-sense gun control.
When out the window, the second grandpa came back from the afterlife to make a sandwich out of your face. And yes, every movie whose title ends in Of the Dead promises this will be the enchanted evening you finally meet your one true boomstick. Too bad the closest gun shop to your house is also the closest gun shop to a thousand other people's houses, and at least a few dozen of them are gonna get there before you. They might even be locked down inside, ready to expertly splatter the first zombie they see. You just had to be zombie-shaped, didn't you?
That's your backup plan? Well, at least you didn't think crossbow. But you also didn't think about exercising today, if you're any of four out of five Americans. And more than 80% of us don't do enough basic muscle-strengthening activity day-to-day.
But hey, maybe you're counting on that end-of-the-world adrenaline to bring out your inner home-run derby. So here's a pro tip for when you're using those fear muscles. Bludgeoning is bloody. Hell, bludgeoning has bluh right in the word, and as soon as you're as good as undead. So use up that ammo supply. It's better than risking a crimson shower of handmade skull-leavings from shambling typhoid Mary.
Okay, are you all set now, or are you gonna inevitably disappoint me again by... Ugh, come on, come on! Oh right, yeah, you can stick it out someplace safe and fortified, like a castle. Eh, well how about the modern American castle? Over a hundred thousand malls to choose from and hunker down in nationwide, with all the cinnabon and pepperoni pretzels you'll ever need to, uh, wait this thing out. That's your whole plan, isn't it?
A protracted siege, which historically requires the attacker to choose to quit, because the attacker is irrational, and the attacker's not, you know... Every day you stay put in your nigh-invulnerable bunker is another day zombies pile up outside, and eventually find their way inside. Because all holding up in a stationary location does is make the zombies want it more. It makes them savor you.
Yeah, alright. Getting out of town has its advantages. You can raise Carl in woodland peace as soon as you hop in your car and sit in a civilization-wide traffic jam.
Three years ago, scientists reported an 11-foot tsunami headed for Hawaii. Hawaii's response?
Traffic jam. In 2005, Hurricane Rita was bearing down on Texas. Texas's response? A hundred mile traffic jam. Mentally expand that traffic jam for a planet of we eat each other now and look at yourself, stuck in an unmoving automotive meat line with a thousand other walker morsels.
Well, you're not gonna last five minutes in the zombie apocalypse. But hey, at least that couldn't ever happen, right? I mean, unless it does happen. At least start exercising, okay?
Boy, that video was fun, huh? A lot of laughs to be had there. Dan was probably in it. A lot of good things happened. We all had a really good time together.
Go ahead and go down to the comments and tell us the most intricate details of this video. That was about dogs. I want to say, or subscribe to our channel. Or share this video, disseminate it as you see fit. If you didn't like it, maybe now's the time for quiet. |
cracked | why_the_scariest_sci_fi_robot_uprising_has_already_begun_after_hours | For the whole table, again. Ed 209, I mean the T-Rex with fetal alcohol syndrome from Robocop. It's Sorin we're talking about.
His biggest fear is weakness. He once said that the scariest movie monster was the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape.
A boy, Jerry! But Bonnie, you have to follow- MY SON!
So, what did I miss?
Cats. Jokes. Watch out for jokes about cats.
Oh, come on! Ed 209 is a great answer. Sure. No, no, okay. Nope. This isn't over.
Robot parade. Wave the flags that the robots made.
It's got machine guns for arms. I wanna go home. It's a defective, grotesque, out-of-control killing machine that can't be stopped. Until it comes up against some stairs. Come on, man, don't make me do this. That was a prototype.
Imagine a bunch of beta-tested Ed 209s in the streets. Ed 209 gets tested in the streets and he is defeated.
By an open manhole cover. In RC3, they hack into his AI and make him say, I am now authorized to be as loyal as a puppy. Good Ed. Not that good. Basically, they turn him into the Robocop Universe's version of Slimer. Which makes sense.
In Blade Runner, the replicants are completely lifelike, better versions of us. So we give them the lifespan of a carnival goldfish. R2 and 3PO are both pussies, so we occasionally wipe their memories. Not Robocop has a soul, which means he's a pussy.
Ed 209 has machine guns for arms instead of opposable thumbs. He can't open a door without blasting everyone on the other side. Right. No one's gonna look at the machine gun-equipped ostrich and say, let's teach him game theory and give him political aspirations. See where he takes that.
Yeah, I'm sure the graph that you've all created in your weird pop culture hive mind is very impressive. It really is.
But I still reserve the right to be scared of Ed 209. And that is totally your right, as long as you admit that it's because you fear weakness. Well, that was weirdly ominous.
And, uh, since Soren's checked out, we can go. No, no, no, no, I'm into it now.
See, Arnold gets lucky in the movie. I mean, you put those two robots loose in Los Angeles a hundred times. 99 of those times are gonna end with T1000 beating Edward Furlong to death with the pieces of the T800 he just carved up. He's gonna do the same thing 99 times. I've run the simulations.
All terminator robots are inadmissible. For a robot apocalypse, it needs to be one that was invented before the singularity. Okay, you win, Dan. What's the singularity? It's when artificial intelligence surpasses human intelligence. When robots become smart, the first problem that they try and solve is how to make robots smarter. And a few minutes later, they're so much smarter than us, we can't even begin to comprehend the ways that they're gonna kill us.
Yeah, that's called Judgment Day. So, the singularity is just a mathy name for the death metal album cover of an apocalypse that is Terminator. And you guys choose to use the math name. Judgment Day is the Terminator universe's guess at what the singularity would look like.
I mean, once computers start learning exponentially, all bets are off. The T-1000, or any other robot conceived of by man, for that matter, will pale in comparison to whatever robot that robot then invents. Robot Spider! You never see it coming! No, see, we're incapable of knowing that. If you're gonna pick something from Terminator, it can only be Skynet. I mean, just a plain old network of computers. Which is the boring, awful answer, which is why the real answer is... The Iron Giant! As soon to be sent from an alien race, it has no human inventor. Thus, it has no handicap, and no singularity required to give it sentience.
No! Well, yes, but not you. I...
You haven't even seen Iron Giant. Wikipedia plot summary, which is basically just the Transformers plot summary. The good and the bad robots are just two sides of the giant's alien robot soul. Brilliant, Transformers!
It is! Soren wins! With a pick six!
Why are you even reading about the Iron Giant? Do you wanna watch it? Should we? Real quick?
No, I wasn't. I was just going through the email recaps that you send me from all of these conversations. Oh, Daniel, no! I know, right? But I found a pattern.
The most dysfunctional femme fatale in a film noir, Spider-Man. He's very manipulative. The most NBA potential from a non-basketball playing character, the Iron Giant. He's very tall. Two characters from different movies that we would wanna see have sex with each other. Spider-Man and the mom from the Iron Giant.
She's a nice lady. She deserves a nice guy.
That's a beatnik in a leather jacket. That's when I realized that the answer was in my hand the whole time. And it's not the Iron Giant. Are you sure? Cause it's usually the Iron Giant.
I feel like you expect your phone to turn into a robot. It's our Skynet. The Internet.
Boo! You had such great forward momentum. Yeah, I was totally on board for the parts where you were making Dan seem stupid, but... Behold!
But it isn't stupid. It is the smartest thinking machine we've ever seen outside of the human brain. It provided us a series of Daniel's memories and isolated a pattern in Daniel's thoughts and predicted the movie that he was gonna say and gave me a recap of that movie in 300 words. No, you did that. It's a tool and you used it. Yeah, sure, from my perspective, but I need it a whole lot more than it needs me.
We don't learn facts anymore. We depend on the Internet to know all those facts for us. We're slowing down while the Internet is just getting bigger and connecting all these ideas and thoughts, and it can't be killed.
But this requires upkeep from humans. The best minds of our generation are gonna spend their entire lives thinking of ways to make it smarter and more self-sufficient. If anyone tried to turn it off, we would turn on them. I mean, we think we're in control.
Oh my god, it's already in our cars. And it's armed. There's this website where you can use your phone to shoot animals. I read about it on the Internet!
Oh, what are you... You said it yourself, Daniel. There's gonna be a point where the humans trust the robots too much. And that point is right now. Yeah, we're good. I, for one, look forward to reading Dan's recap of this tomorrow. It's not gonna be very thorough.
That phone had the only recording of it. You recorded this conversation? It helps the transcription process. |
dropout | should_we_do_a_bitcoin_sketch_hardly_working | All right guys, we need new video ideas. What do you got?
I was thinking we could do a Bitcoin sketch. Oh yeah, Bitcoin is funny right now, but we'd have to move fast. Trapp, start writing. Wait, Sam. You know, I'm not sure it's the right moment for us to invest time in Bitcoin. Look at Twitter, right? People are spending almost no time on Bitcoin jokes and they're getting huge laughter returns. Maybe in early 2013 it would have made sense to do a Bitcoin sketch, but now it's not worth it. I'm with Trapp here. I mean, in five years we're gonna be getting just as many jokes from Bitcoin as we do from the government. Or perhaps, Dogecoin.
Fuck you, Murph. I'm being serious here. I'm being serious too. Dogecoin's gonna be just as funny as Bitcoin, maybe even funnier. Murph, shut up.
Look, I'm having second thoughts. Trapp, let's put a hold on the Bitcoin sketch. I just think it's way too volatile. Look at this chart that I made. Two months ago, everyone was trading knee slappers at that Bitcoin. Caught to one month ago, nothing. Trapp could be right though.
I mean, look at how funny it is at its peak. But after Mt. Gox happened, it got so unfunny it actually made people sad. That's why we get cheap laughs now so the humor develops over time. I mean, how do you think comedy works?
Imagine if we had written an Apple sketch in the 80s. Fuck it, let's write this Bitcoin sketch. I actually wrote a Bitcoin sketch last year.
Really? Well, .8251 of a sketch, but. How funny is it? Honestly, I have no idea. I haven't checked on it in a while and I forgot about it until this conversation. Might be worth taking a look. Yeah. Oh, shit. Somebody stole it.
Trapp, stop writing. I can't believe I lost all that funny. At least I still have all these dogecoin schedules. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, guys, there's an article here about how the creator of Bitcoin got chased by paparazzi. It's funny again. Start writing. Maybe I was wrong. Wait, I'm just reading a little further and I realized that this isn't funny at all. Sorry, Trapp. That is a pass on the Bitcoin sketch.
No, Sam, Sam, you have to let me do this. It's gonna be the next big thing. You're done here. Get out. I'll write it on my own. You're done.
And you'll remember this in the future when I'm rolling and funny. When I'm ROTFL.
Oh, let's do this sketch. Let's not do this sketch.
That's a wrap. Back and forth. Jerk me around. Oh, true.
Fuck you, Sam.
So who else has ideas? Eight part dogecoin web series. I love this. Where was this? Hey, if you liked the video, click me to subscribe and you'll get one free Bitcoin. Yeah, we can probably do that, right? I don't know. |
cracked | the_true_story_behind_may_december_part_1 | Everyone's talking about May-December right now, the Netflix movie starring Julianne Moore, Natalie Portman, and breakout star Charles Melton. But does everyone know the real-life backstory that it's based on? If you were born post-90s, you might not. Natalie Portman's character is studying Julianne Moore's character Gracie for an upcoming role.
Gracie met her husband Joe, played by Charles Melton, when she was 36 and he was 13. She goes to prison for this, but when she gets out, her and Joe get married and have three kids together.
Now for millennials, Gen Xers, and above, that story may sound very familiar. And you'd be correct. The film's director, Todd Haynes, has confirmed that the film was at least partially inspired by the real-life relationship between Mary-Kate Latorneau and Billy Foulau. But the real-life story may be even more horrifying, or at least just as horrifying as the movie depicts. Mary-Kate Latorneau and Billy Foulau met when he was a student in her second grade class. Over the next few years, she keeps in touch with him. Weird. |
SaturdayNightLive | amazon_mother_s_day_ad_for_fifty_shades_of_grey_snl | This Mother's Day, why not show Mom just how special she is by surprising her with one of millions of gifts from Amazon.com.
All right, let's be quiet. Mom has no idea we're bringing her breakfast in bed, Okay? shh, shh, shh.
Which means there's a million ways to give your mother a surprise she'll never forget. Happy Mother's Day!
Hey, Julie, Get Out!
Fifty Shades of Gray. isn't that. that sex book? What?
No, go outside. Look, A microphone.
Mommy! Because with Amazon, a million surprises for Mom are just a click away. Surprise!
Get The f*** Out Of here!
Is that Fifty Shades of Gray? No, it's a cookbook.
Mom, we got you bad stuff. I see that, Jonah. thank you. you can just put it down over there. on Amazon.com, Mommy surprises come in all sizes. Mom, Happy Mother's Day.
Oh, Fifty Shades of Gray.
Get Out. Is that Joel Mchale? No, it's your Dad. Get Out!
So this Mother's Day, go to Amazon.com and get Mom what she really wants.
Fifty Shades of Gray. I'm Kendall.
All right, come on. get next to the kids. I want to get a picture. Ready? One, two, Yay!
Oh, I'm smiling. the Kindle. what are you reading, Mom? we'll never know. |
dropout | infinity_war_of_infinite_avengers_ch_shorts | Witness the destruction of the universe. Not if we can help it.
Avengers Assemble! Fireman! Thor! Hulk! Black Widow! Hawkeye!
Thanos has all six Infinity Stones and plans to destroy the universe. The only chance we have to defeat him is if all the Avengers come together. And we fight him as one.
My calendar's open. You guys? Let's go! Hold on. We need all the Avengers. There's just a few more coming.
Scarlet Witch! Vision! Winter Soldier!
Welcome. Now let's go steal this dork's rotten collection. Nope.
Uh, we're still waiting on a few more Avengers. Spiderman, are you here? Spidey? Spider Reno!
Captain, every minute that passes Thanos is gaining strength. We'll fight when we're all here. I got so excited I had to pee.
Ant-Man! Now, where is Ant-Man? Down here! Uh, nobody stepped on Ant-Man.
This seems like enough Avengers. It is. Oh. If we want to lose, so we're adding the Guardians of the Galaxy crew.
Star-Lord! Gamora! Nebula! Drax the Destroyer! Mantis! Rocket!
I am good. Right, right. It's a lot of names. That's all the Guardians, right? I think so. Does everybody have their buddy?
Captain, Thanos is about to blow up the moon. Good night moon.
His trail of destruction stops now. Cuz we're heading out?
Cuz we're adding Deadpool, the Punisher, Black Panther, the Defenders featuring Daredevil, Luke Kane, Iron Fist, and Jessica Jones. Side note, I know you guys are like a tad less powerful, so do your best. Also, a bunch of other randos and side notes will eventually get their own spin-off groups. So anybody can be an Avenger now? Don't be a snob, Natasha.
Don't think Quinjet be too crowded. Then we'll take two Quinjets. Just a little more power!
Captain, let us go now and stop Thanos or everyone will die. Okay, okay, okay. That is all of the Avengers. Finally. But...
I just got word from Fox that we acquired the rights for the X-Men. So welcome Wolverine Astor. Professor Xavier and his assassin wheelchair.
Beast. Cyclops. Gene Ray. A.K.A. Phoenix. A.K.A. Dark Phoenix.
Jubilee. Gambit. Halloween.
It's true. I destroyed the universe. Will you be my girlfriend now, Death? Ew, no. Aww. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
TheOnion | Google_Engineers_Invent_New_Body_Part_To_Strap_Gadgets_Onto | They started with Google Glass, and now the engineers behind Google have created a new body part to strap gadgets onto. They're calling it the flange, and the new synthetic skinned appendage fits between the shoulder blades into a flat surface capable of holding a wide array of new gadgets for Google to hawk to consumers. While unveiling the innovation today, Google CEO Larry Page said, quote, the possibilities for the number of completely pointless gadgets to strap, bind, and stick to your body are now endless. Google engineers said that while developing the flange, they considered other appendages, like a tiny arm that juts out from your elbow or a circular bulb-like growth on the top of your shoulder, but found the flange offered them the most surface area to cash in on. The flange could hold up to $1,500 worth of Google or Android brand watches and phones. And that doesn't include whatever new gadgets we come up with, like a device that tracks how often you sleep on your stomach or something.
Early adopters are already raving about the synthetic body part. It overheats and burns my skin pretty bad when I have it on, but I'm really getting to like it. Critics are cautioning the tech world to not hail the flange as an achievement yet, since several users have reported problems with the device permanently grafting to their spinal column if worn overnight. Coming up next, Doritos unveils new e-Doritos that come in JPEG form whenever you're hungry. |
cracked | the_6_people_you_see_at_every_dog_park | The dog park. More like the paw bark. Huh, whatever. Trust me, dogs love that joke. They eat it up. Like grass.
Which, I guess they usually vomit out later. But then they usually eat the vomit. So I think the analogy holds. Anyway, if you've been following crack for a while, you've probably seen my own little puke munchers around the site.
My hands are full of tiny dogs! Yeah. Dogs. Well, as luck would have it, I foolishly bought the breed of dog you gotta let out of their cage every so often, or they die. So I've become intimately familiar with the ongoing sociology experiment we call the dog park. The Brits call it a wolf's rung. The Germans? Eine Bichgaden. For the uninformed, a dog is a wild animal that humans enslaved, then surgically mutilated the genitals of because of how cute they are and your little face aches. Cut your genitals because you're so cute! The dog park is our attempt to make up for that by giving them enough room to pretend nature still exists and all the assholes they can smell.
For us humans, it's not quite as awesome. It's more like being stuck in a largish elevator with 40 strangers and their hyperactive toddlers for 90 minutes, but with less a chance of being bitten. You can expect to hear the same six small talk nuggets from everyone you encounter.
Oh, he's cute. What's his name? What kind of dog is that? How old is she?
Don't worry, they're friendly. We both have dogs. Are you lonely too, new best friend? I'm so sorry, they're usually friendly.
There's a strict, unspoken code of conduct enforced by the disapproval of your fellow parkgoers. Big dogs go in the big dog area. Humping offends the sensibilities. They poop it, you bag it. But if you can't keep your dog from barking, how do I know you can keep him from mauling my child? I don't want you giant dog to rip my tiny dog in half! Get to your f***ing area and take Merman Duke with you! And the socially awkward will need to employ some mental conditioning to get through the ordeal. Eyes on the dog, the dog understands you avoid human eye contact at all costs. I can see way too many buttholes right now. Just keep playing puzzle juice and no one will approach you. There's no way my dog poops that poop, but I guess I'll pick it up anyway just in case. I flick to the dog so no one thinks you're a negligent owner, then right back to the phone. Oh, why is mystery poop so much grosser?
So what keeps me going back? One simple reason. The laws of probability dictate that if I spend enough time at the dog park, a day will come when every dog in the park decides to take a dump at the exact same moment. And on that day, I'll be there.
To scream, do you see? You called me mad! I'm about the three T's, tits, two beers, and togetherness. Because you and me together, we're going to have a raging time! |
CrackerMilk | shopping_in_2024 | Hey, just to see how I cook. Can I just grab your mobile number for that one? What? For the receipt. Oh, yeah, it's 041...
Like an email. My email?
Yeah, it's Connor...
And like your mother's maiden name. Okay, my mother's maiden name would...
Are you circumcised? Am I what? You're an O positive blood type.
How the hell did you know that? Okay, you know what?
Can I just get a paper receipt? Paper receipt?
Are you fucking kidding? Are you not aware of the climate right now? What do you want to watch the whole world burn?
Okay, digital's fine. Okay, great.
So I'm just gonna need to check your prostate. You wanna turn around and cough?
And like your mother's maiden name? Okay, my mother's maiden name would...
Are you circumcised? Am I what? You're an O positive blood type.
How the hell did you know that? Okay, you know what?
Can I just get a paper receipt? Paper receipt?
Are you fucking kidding? Are you not aware of the climate right now? What do you want to watch the whole world burn?
Okay, digital's fine. Okay, great.
So I'm just gonna need to check your prostate. You wanna turn around and cough? |
SaturdayNightLive | lifetime_s_first_original_game_show_what_s_wrong_with_tanya_snl | You're watching Lifetime Television for women, white women And now from the creators of Lifetime Original movies like what did Becky see and where does Brenda Go? comes the first ever Lifetime Original Game Show. it's time to play. Thank you and welcome to what's wrong with Tanya Game show. Where mothers from Lifetime Original movies try and guess what's wrong with beautiful daughter Tanya. let's meet our contestants.
First up from Pleasant Grove. Mary Jo William hello says here you and your family live in a quiet town on a quiet street. nothing bad could ever happen to us or so it would seem. Next up from Pleasant Falls, Joe Beth Anderson says here your new husband has a locked drawer in his office that you're not allowed to open. it's none of my business. Finally from Pleasant Town. Mary Jo Beth Jojo says here that you have the perfect life. Perfect from the outside.
Yikes! Okay, let's go over the rules. A Lifetime movie. Tanya will walk out and you'll have 15 seconds to guess what's wrong with her. There's nothing wrong with her. Yes, yes, there is. Let's bring out our first Tanya. Alright Mothers. what is wrong with Tanya? Mary Jo Beth Jojo Tanya You've been going to those parties where girls do oral sex for bracelets. that's right. That's right. She goes those parties which are a real thing. Good work Mary Jo. you want a Volvo filled with groceries? let's bring out our next Tanya. So you thought, All right Mothers: what's wrong with boy Tanya?
There Joe William, Tanya, you're a secret stripper. No Tanya, You're pregnant. What? No, come on Tanya. Your English teacher caught you cheating so he made you take naked pictures and now they're online and it's given you an eating disorder. and also you can't read.
Oh, you're in the league with five police ponchos for jogging. So you move to our lightning round. Joe Beth, Mary Jo, you may watch the rest of the game while you pretend to rake leaves. Let's get you on your mark here. Oh, you're hurting my arm. who's gonna believe you? Now in this round I'll say something Tanya's doing and you either say yes or scream no, let's get 20 seconds on the clock.
Tanya's back on the swim team. Yes, the girls at school are saying Tanya is easy. No Tanya has bruises on her shoulder. Judges: Tanya had a baby a problem. No, she named the baby Tanya.
Yes, Congrats Mary Jo, Beth Jo Jo. You and everything a woman could ever want. But whatever happened to Tanya, she died. Oh thanks for having me. you're not going anywhere. you'll never leave me.
That's our show. Comedy Weekend at Meredith Baxter. Bernie. |
TheOnion | Time_Releases_List_Of_Least_Influential_Americans | Time Magazine has released its annual list of America's 299 million least influential people. A new face in the top 10,000 this year is Jim Stutz of Fort Wayne, Indiana. I think it's wonderful. He's finally getting recognition just for not having an effect on anyone.
Stutz, a 47-year-old husband and father of two, currently works as a claims adjuster in suburban Fort Wayne. He works here. I've known Jim since high school. He's always telling me I should move back to Indiana.
I don't think I will, though. Joining us now to tell us more about the least influential list is Time Magazine's features editor, Eric Millet. Hello, Mr. Millet. Hello, Dean. Now, putting this list together must have been quite a challenge for you, is that right? No, absolutely.
A guy like Jim Stutz, he came to the forefront of our list because he makes no impression on anyone around him. He's a claims adjuster, and he went two years without making an adjustment.
Yeah. That's amazing. Now, what makes him less influential, say, than the little dark-skinned boy who comes by and brings me coffee and doughnuts every morning? That dark-skinned boy would be really missed the day that he doesn't bring you a Danish. That would do it. Now, he placed 9,604th on your list, but there's some controversy there.
What happened? Someone from Council Bluff, Iowa, named Patricia Kelty, she had it virtually locked, but on a second investigation, we found that she has a Labrador retriever that occasionally will listen to her. Jim has nobody.
All right, Mr. Millet, good thing you caught that error, and thank you very much for joining us. Well, thank you.
And still to come, news from Washington. President Bush insists that he could handle peace talks with North Korea without a translator. We'll have that story. |
SaturdayNightLive | rocket_report_santa_claus_snl | And here now, The Rocket Report. Christmas Time, such a wonderful time. Hi, Charles Rocket in New York City. And I can't think of a better place to be at Christmas time. Just take a look. the decorations, the excitement, the shopping, the shoppers, the stores. it's just Christmas Spirit, Magnum. Well, I can't think of anybody I'd much rather share the Christmas spirit with than old Saint Nick himself, Santa Claus. too bad he can't be here in New York to share all this Christmas spirit.
But he's too busy. what do you think he's doing right now? I'll bet he's up at the North Pole reading all the children's letters, furiously trying to decide how many toys he can build and how much time he's gonna take him. the elves are all pitching in. Mrs. Claus is baking cookies in the Claus home, and all the elves are running in out of the cold to get some cookies and some warm soup.
How does he do it? You know, he's never asked anybody for any donations of any kind. instead, he's managed to come through every year. though he has nothing more than his dedication to children as his only means of support. I think it's wonderful that a guy would work so hard against all odds to take on a task so, so enormous. And he always seems to come up with just the right kind of ideas for gifts for girls and boys all over the world. And how does he know which girls are not in? which girls are nice? Well, apparently he has some secret system whereby he simply reaches out and has a word and comes up with the right answers each and every time, never missing a trick. And what does he do when he runs out of ideas? where does he get his inspiration?
I wouldn't be surprised if, like a lot of us, he just gets caught up in the spirit of things. and he just wants to do anything he can just to make Christmas a special time of year? That it is. Can you imagine what it must be like when Santa comes downstairs after a warm and wonderful night with Mrs. Claus and steps outside knowing that he's about to fulfill everyone's most important dreams and fantasies. always right there, where and when we want it. Santa Claus is truly a heck of a guy with a heck of a job who really comes through in a heck of a way each year after year, sees the whole world just one night. Guys, it's definitely as special as that, needs the kind of special love and affection that only we can seem to conjure up at Christmas time, but at least we're capable of it. we do come through each time, every time, this time of year.
I'm Charles Rocket. Christmastime, New York City. we'll see you again some other time. Bye. bye. |
dropout | how_british_butlers_duel_the_britishes_with_will_sasso | How unsanitary. Mr. Fetcher, I've about had it up to here with your condescension, as if you've never dropped anything. I come from a long line of butlers. There hasn't been a drop in my family since my great grandfather. He's been known to drop a fork or two, and his defense is absurdly owed. Let us see which of us is the better butler. I challenge you to a butler's duel.
Very well, I accept. Ready then? Let's begin.
Oh my god. Oh my god, you shot me!
And if therefore won the butler's duel. Very well played, Mr. Squint. It was not well played! There was no butlering! Well, of course. Butlering has no place in a butler's duel. Yes it does!
What else would a butler's duel be? Well, a duel between butlers, of course. Why mention butlers at all then? Why not just call it a duel? Well, a butler's duel is quite different from a regular duel. How? It takes place between butlers. Who else? Let's call the butler's duel. I thought this was a contest of service. Oh, you must mean a butler off. I don't know what I mean, I'm losing a lot of blood. You see, a butler off is when butlers duel in skill. A butler's duel is when one butler offs another.
Can't you hear how backwards that sounds? No.
I don't have a gun. I was completely unprepared for a butler's duel. My good man, I do not have a serviette. And therefore was completely unprepared for a butler off.
Look, I'm dying.
Well, it's all very clearly spelled out in the butler's book, Mr. Squint. If you care to make revisions, I suggest you approach the butler's bench. Before warned, my great-grandfather sits on the butler's bench.
He's been known to drop a case or two, in his defence he's absurdly old. Is that a goose? Well, it's marvellous. |
dropout | a_better_kind_of_selfie_stick_friend | Selfie Sticks help you capture perfectly composed pictures without your forearm in the shot. But you always feel self-conscious using one. Well, there's a way to get the perfect picture without looking like a narcissistic loner. It's called a friend. Take pictures confidently and comfortably, knowing that you don't look like the world's saddest wizard. In fact, you'll look more socially adjusted than ever before. Many concert venues and museums have banned selfie sticks, but a friend can always get through the door. And a friend is the only selfie stick that can hold a conversation about your experiences. Why you may even find with a friend you're more interested in enjoying your surroundings instead of documenting them for strangers on the internet.
But that's not all.
Friend is the only selfie stick with the ability to automatically adjust framing, focus, and picture quality in an instant. Other selfie sticks can only expand up to a few feet, but friend can extend as far as you want it to. One foot, five, eight hundred, friend can do it in a snap and also do things like drive you to the airport or tell you when you're taking too many pictures. And friend works with other friends. Want to take a picture of your friend? Just get a second friend or a third to take a picture of the first two.
There's literally no limit to the number of friends you can have. Get nine friends and play a game of football. You won't even have to take pictures because all your friends are there, experiencing it with you. Friends are available absolutely everywhere.
You can even make your own using nothing but a common stranger and a little effort. But that's not all. Other selfie sticks can cost up to twenty dollars. But friend is one hundred percent free. Friend only free in concept, friendly and cost related to beer and birthdays do not refer to friend as selfie stick or friend will get upset.
Order today. Hi, I'm Zach from College Humor. To subscribe, click here. And to watch more videos right now, click right here.
And if you really... How far did you get? |
Wizards_with_Guns | megachurch_pastors_try_dungeons_and_dragons_g_is_for_jesus | I refuse to worship your false idols!
On this episode of G is for Jesus, Pastor Titus and I delve into the dark and demonic ritual known as D&D in order to investigate and ultimately defeat the armies of Lucifer. Now we have a local dungeon master or black magic practitioner on the program today. Thanks for coming on the show, demon. Oh, it's Damon. Now, demon, D&D or Devils and Doorknobs is a radical pagan game or RPG where practitioners participate in orgies of magic and bloodshed. Is that correct? Well, it's called Dungeons and Dragons and it's a tabletop role-playing game. Dice and statistics determine your character's success based on an adventure scenario. Now that he's cast a spell of confusion on me, the warlock will explain how the game works.
Now, when you die in the game, do you die in real life? Now, Dark One, exactly how much blood does it cost for one game? No, it doesn't cost any...
Do you have a sword? Oh, me? Uh, yes? Like, for live-action role-play? Yes.
Oh, we'll just get rid of it just to be safe.
The dragon breathes his fire upon you, rolling 18 to dodge the flames. Okay, dear god, please let this be higher than 18. I promise I'll be natural to my son's gay boyfriend. Sorry, he is forsaking me. You're engulfed in the flames. Damn it!
You'll need magic healing, or else you'll die. Magic healing? Well, I got my magic healing right here. Wait, it says here in the Dungeon Master's Guide, he can resurrect in three days.
No, that's the Bible, not the DMT. But I guess they're both rule books, right? Please, the Bible is nothing like your tomes of darkness. It's got stories of heroes and kings, wars, and it's even got a book of numbers.
Oh my god. Titus! For 17 damage, the wizard sends bolts of lightning at the party.
Where are the demons? I want to slay some demons. Yeah, this game's called Dipstick's Demons, isn't it? Okay, fine. The wizard summons two demons. What do you do? Demons? Well, I join the demons. Titus, what are you doing? Uh, they're freaking demons.
You think we stand a chance? Oh, oh, I get it. It's like hentai. What? No, do you even know what that is? No, I haven't. The mighty ogre draws his axe and says, you've disturbed my slumber, now face my wrath. What do you do? Oh no! Oh, I reach into my pack where my vorpal blade is stowed. Yeah? And I pull out my battle and tell about my lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Okay, really? You're not going to defend yourself?
I got a 20. Is that good? Uh, wow.
Okay, he bows his head and begins to accept his lord and savior. Okay, well he's distracted.
I stab him. I stab him like a hundred times with the neck.
You can't just- I got another 20. Okay, okay, fine. He's dead. Hallelujah! Another soul saved. My own- Well, there you have it, folks.
We explored the dragon and slayed the dungeon. Can I leave? But more importantly, we escaped the wicked wiles of witchcraft with our lives. I'm late for my church potluck. If there's a lesson to be learned, let it be forgotten, for a hell of a time is not worth the fires of hell.
Redo. I get a redo. |
dropout | standing_out_in_the_real_world_sponsored | The sky could be any color that you wanted to picture when you're at like a concert and they're using like awesome lights And it's totally getting you into the moment like you could make the sky be your own personal mood ring like however you were feeling the sky could Reflect that I would replace loud things with not loud things Wall Street traders Sell sell sell sell I would go in and I would replace their mouth with nothing so that Wall Street would just be this strange quiet room of Maiming mouthless businessmen. Oh magnetic lasso tool. Definitely. I'm kind of a short dude So I would need that to obtain like cookies from the top Covered I would use it on the dance floor when you're doing the cheesy like lasso move I would actually have an actual magnetic lasso Which would make it much easier and also probably terrifying for the women on the dance floor I would I would bait people into getting into fights with me And I would kind of like slink down and then as soon as things started I would stretch myself out. So that was super ripped. I was totally yoked up like what's up, dude. Yeah How about we do this now? Yeah, and then I'm rocking like the most ridiculous v-neck I would be wearing a regular v-neck at first But then when I got huge I would stretch it down so that it was more of a vest almost But there was just a little bit of fabric at the end and then they'd be so scared that had to run away right away |
SaturdayNightLive | vinnie_and_joe_saturday_night_live | Well sure, it's almost all over, But the exiting here in New York City, Vin Scully with Joe Garagiola back with you for just a couple of seconds to reflect on the events of the evening, And Joe, what a spot for a first time outing By what you have to believe is a very nervous Bob Yuki. Oh, no doubt about it, Vin. you know, this guy, you know, Yogi, he's like a 63-volt swagger in this guy. you know, he may look beaten up, you know, but that darn thing still starts. You know, you gotta love that guy. he came to talk. well, that's the way we saw it. Now, down on the good night stage, Mr. Bob Yuki himself. Bob, were you sweating down there? how did it feel? Well, I gotta be honest with you, Vinny. not as bad as when I first signed my pro contract. 3,000 bucks. very small bonus. aggravated my old man, unbelievably. didn't have that kind of money to put out. Oh, no. we love you, Bob, the corner phrase.
I love him. you know, Vinny, tell him about next week. Oh, my pleasure, sir. next week, Jesse Jackson up on the mound. Oh, that guy is some kind of reverend. along with Andre crowd. that's a barn burner for sure. double header, Vinny. for sure. Till then, see you tomorrow for the Showdown in Motown. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Inspired_Unemployed_Glayds_Meat_Trays_Boat_shoes_November_27 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. It is the 27th of November, I hope you're all doing well. We're heading towards the pointy end of the season as we mentioned yesterday and there's a lot in the news. My name's Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate and I'm joined by Errol Parker, editor at large. How has your week been? It's been a great week so far mate, got golf in a couple of hours, going to play tennis in the afternoon then on Sunday, might just take it easy mate. We've got a big Weekly News Bulletin to get through this week so let's kick it off. This week with our biggest news story, now as a career journalist with decades of experience Clancy the fact that this was our biggest story of the week. In a week where we had disasters, political scandal and celebrity anguish, it chills the very blood that runs through my veins. The biggest story on the Batutah Advocate this week was report.
Surely the inspired unemployed lads are getting a bit of action. Yes, tell me about it. These inspired unemployed lads are, as it turns out, quite popular on social media. Some of our older readers and those who read our local edition were a bit confused as to what the fuss was all about. The Instagram post on that story generated almost 90,000 likes and thousands upon thousands of comments, all useless if you ask me, you can't really put a dollar value on that.
But all these comments they pointed in one direction it seems. Which kind of direction would that be? Well it's the direction that would indicate that the inspired unemployed blokes are absolutely swimming in it at the moment. Up to their nicks they were saying on the phone.
Yeah well good for them, I just hope they've got a good financial advisor and they stay away from the sharks and the charms of fast money. Fast money, fast women.
What's the next story we have here? It's another story about the New South Wales Premier acting the goat, but she can get away with it because every single other person involved in state government in that part of the country is about as charismatic as a doormat smeared with Labrador shit. Yes, that story. Perijiklian admits to breaking the law but honestly, what are you going to do about it, huh? Really got to the core of the issue didn't it? I mean you just have to take one look at the treasurer, Condom Perititi or whatever his fucking name is, and you realise that she actually doesn't have the most highest performing cabs next off the rank. Exactly Clancy, by the sounds of things it looks like Gladys is going to get away with it simply because there is no one there to fill the power vacuum if she resigns. Which I guess is an extreme indictment on things down there. In that story Gladys told our reporters to go and get fucked multiple times while she refused to answer any questions that might put her in a bad light. Yes, quite the bold political move, but it's working. The media has thrown a whole matter of shit at Gladys Perijiklian over the past couple months even, and fucking not much of it has stuck has it? Not at all. They'll be calling her Teflon Perijiklian before too long, she's really nailed that Sir Joe feeding the chooks strategy of being able to just give the media a handful of fuck all each time she walks out for a press conference and they'll be happy with that. Well Teflon Perijiklian has got a much better ring to it than Long Bay Gladys. Anything would have a better ring to it than that and we'll see how it all plays out. Alright well the next story we have here is Trump demands recount after missing out on RSL meat tray.
I don't know, they had RSLs in America Clancy, I just thought they let their veterans defend themselves against their own personal demons. Just glad we have a great support system for veterans in this country.
Well I don't know where you were this week Errol, because in this story it says that Donald Trump came to the Batuda Heights RSL on Wednesday night and entered the meat tray raffle after having a few schooners in front of the brickies laptop. I miss the US president coming to town it seems, but what machine was he playing? It's believed he was playing the Big Red in the smoking pokies. You know the ones on the veranda near the loading dock in the bins? Ah yes, good to see Donald honouring and respecting our local culture here.
So what happened in the end, did they do a full recount? No they didn't because of his behaviour that Donald was escorted from the venue by an RSA marshall and blacklisted for 90 days. I've all been there you know, they don't let you get pissed in that place. Did you remember when you got caught taking a shit during the last post and the marshall was dragged out by your fucking ankles, your shit going everywhere and they pulled you out in the foyer and they flogged you half to death with the bollard ropes? Yes yes, I remember that, it was actually a bit of an overreaction. Yeah well that place sucks, but I'll tell you what does suck Clancy. What?
Blokes who wear boat shoes. We did a story on that one too during the week after speaking to one local man who came toe to toe with a bloke wearing boat shoes at an engagement party. Yes the headline on that one was Man spends entire engagement party avoiding the C word with boat shoes.
Errol you wrote this one didn't you? I did yes. Did you get much feedback on using that word as a pronoun in the headline?
More than usual yes I did, there were a lot of readers who wrote to me directly to express their utter disgust and contempt and rightly so I might add, but I also got an email from the Australian press council though who asked me to remove the offending word and that's where I draw the line. I apologise to the readers who were offended by that headline but as for the press council they too can go and get fucked, fuck the press council.
So this particular story follows the tale of a bloke invited to one of his wife's friends engagement parties and as fate would have it he ran into another bloke who was wearing boat shoes. So that's the whole story? Yeah pretty much.
How did this one go on social media because in our local printed edition we had six fish and chip shops around town who refused to even wrap their shark and potato with this newspaper simply for carrying that word. Well mate that article got 70,000 likes on Instagram again if there was some way that you could turn each like into a dollar I'm sure we'd be driving matching pink Porsches by Christmas time but now that you know the US election's over we got some good reach on Facebook too and maybe when this stupid fucking overreaction of the pandemic is over we might be able to reach a few more on that platform too.
Well just goes to show a good story like this one is able to cut through in the mainstream. Well mate it's the only thing that keeps me going and we've gone overtime again. From Monday Wendell Hussey will be back and things should go back to normal. My name is Errol Park and have a lovely weekend. Go Australia. See you in the next video. Well it just goes to show a good story like this one is able to cut through in the mainstream. Well mate it's the only thing that keeps me going and we've gone overtime again. From Monday Wendell Hussey will be back and things should go back to normal. My name is Errol Park and have a lovely weekend. Go Australia! |
cracked | why_dating_with_depression_is_so_bleeping_hard_people_watching_3 | This is gonna be awesome. I know not only did I find a non crazy guy on a dating site But you're actually real as well Well, you should still scan your entire Twitter history for problematic bullshit and then google your name and quotes along with things like court date And multiple wives and triple homicide. Yep way ahead of you zero hits by the way Right on so I'll see you tonight really looking forward to it. Me too. I can't wait Who is that? Oh You can switch out the meat in any of the burgers for vegetarian things I love that about the city Sorry, I'm just pretending to find the menu super interesting instead of instead of capitulating to awkward silence Oh, I know. Wow.
They list the calories of everything. Hmm Wow 750 calories in a mushroom who would have thought Yeah, sorry.
This is why the first line of my dating profile was like hi I have terrible problems just getting that one out in front. Oh, did you ever read that John Ronson book about shame? Yes Oh my god, it's like yeah, just own it people don't care what you did They just want to be superior to someone so don't play into it. Sorry I didn't mean to imply you have anything to be ashamed of though.
Oh, I do dude I was in a nerdcore band for like a year once Literally repping in a fake English accent because the entire point of it was three people were too afraid to be authentic I'm like mouse when the sheet goes on under by the squares, then I'm off to go on. Okay, that is hilarious No, it really isn't. It's just one of those abandoned projects on the way to finding your voice Invited not my voice. Well, huh, whatever.
This is already 10,000 times better than the last date.
I went on Yeah, I just tend to assume I'm a hundred times worse than everyone else. It's kind of a depression anxiety thing I guess one word you're not getting one with that the other I don't know why there are two separate words Now that I think about it, but I'm always thinking about it. Please interrupt me. I totally get it Like I've known people I've had my moments It's just hard to conceptualize what it's like for someone who has it worse, but I want to try at least thanks Yeah, I don't know. There needs to be some kind of catch-all term for the whole anxiety doubt fear self-hatred self-sabotage ball of wax Thanks ball of wax There's a hot new lingo of 1920 boomers. Am I right? Anyway, yeah when you're talking depression It's just the whole thing of not feeling like there's a point to doing anything because they're so shitty or the world is so shitty And you can't stop telling yourself that even though you know, it's not true It's not true. Like it's not but you just want to believe for whatever reason It's not true all night.
You've been apologizing for like standard things. I know Obligatory line where I apologize for apologizing you can at least somewhat take it as a compliment in that I'm so afraid of losing this and I'm generally anxious around you and then I'll eventually let myself be comfortable around you in like three years I can wait.
I mean, I can't wait. I mean, you know what I mean Thanks Hey, there are whole countries like that, you know, I read in a guidebook about Denmark once They're all like an old ketchup bottle at first nothing comes out and then eventually all of it comes out all at once. So Yeah Ketchup, that's amazing.
Yeah, that's kind of me for sure except no one's willing to keep shaking the bottle I love metaphors actually like with depression. There are a lot of comic strips I could send you that that one thing where depressions like a broken hand that people keep telling you to just get over Yeah, I've seen that I think oh just man up because that's a thing. Oh, I know I actually have my own metaphor for it though, it's like this thing where Did you ever watch that show the X-Files? Oh, yeah back in the day for sure I actually didn't but yeah back in the olden times of actually using your TV back in 1920 I did that thing where you randomly watch a show you've never seen and then like two years later You randomly decide to watch it again and you change the channel and it's the exact same episode. Yes. Oh my god So yeah, I've literally seen one episode twice But it's the one where X-Files and lady X-Files are trapped in this big fungus thing And it makes them hallucinate and they can't tell if they're awake or dreaming and it keeps tricking them into thinking they've escaped But they're still trapped and that's kind of the basis for my depression metaphor It's this thing where you keep slipping into another reality. You don't notice and then it's too late Oh, okay So like you're telling yourself you suck even though you know you don't and even though you know It's not your real voice saying that yeah, it's like it's not like you're trapped in a fungus So it's like you're sitting in your living room and you're talking to someone about your problems and they're just laying into you But how shitty you are how you might as well not even bother dating because you're just gonna be wasting everyone's time And you're kind of nodding along and then you look up and you realize you've been talking to like Depression guy you were just sitting there reading and this horrible dude snuck in your front door sat down and started saying shit to you And it took you like two days to notice and now it's too late And you'll be sad for weeks weeks of your lucky sad if you're lucky depression guy I'm just picturing like the stereotypical mustache villain who ties people to train tracks Yeah, exactly except he's dressed more subtly like he belongs there his camouflage. He's all articulate too He's like hipster mustache villain the modern version he blends in so you don't see it coming But then you suddenly annihilate your self-esteem before you can remember that this keeps happening That's kind of how I see it anyway I swear to God I have to think of depression as this outside entity that tricks you into forgetting reality because Intellectually, I do know that I'm alright that I'm good and kind to everyone that The number one symptom of being a bad person is not worrying about how good of a person you are there's just this total asshole that keeps sneaking in and ruining your life and And then suddenly it's been a week since I left the house and the cycle continues Yeah, it's some X-Files stuff for sure.
Hey. Oh, what was your rapper name by the way? Lady Anna Trump Right on right on see Chantastic it does help me understand though.
Actually the whole depression guy thing does it Come upstairs Innocently, not suggestively. I don't not the normal very first date. Nailed you didn't do this That's supposed to be I don't do nothing I don't do nothing Does my psychotic metaphor actually make sense? Hi, I habitually lose touch with reality pretty good date, huh?
Yeah, for sure. It makes sense. I think this date was pretty great if it rhymes. It must be true All right. Thanks Like I said when the server shows up and you both forgot to decide what to order that's like the best possible sign, right? Yeah, I think maybe it was a good date. Actually.
Well in retrospect It wasn't a perfect date you did kind of overshare a lot actually. Oh god. I did deny I know I'm sorry. I just I don't know. Sometimes people are just kind of politely humoring you I know it seemed like everything was fine at the restaurant But if you really go over all the stuff you said I was at least semi-articulate though, wasn't I?
I really tried to explain the whole depression thing and not be all ashamed. There are different kinds of depression too though, right? Oh my god Yeah, I was just trying to kind of conceptualize my own situation But yeah, some people just have terrible chemical things that cause it or they have issues stemming from childhood Well, exactly.
That's why metaphors are so juvenile whatever your good intentions people are gonna assume You're speaking for everyone. Oh, no You're right. What's the difference between omission and ignorance people these days tend to search for easy answers Convenient little blurbs that can explain huge complex issues and you're just doing that. Yeah You should have put something like that in your dating profile how you're really kind of self absorbed and naive how you're really immature and whoever dates who is gonna have to put up with a lot and then you have to ask yourself if Your dating profile requires so many disclaimers at the front of it Then there's probably not much point in having one because you'd just be wasting somebody's time other people aren't like you They're more mature and centered and a lot happier And you can't just show up with all your issues and expect them to tolerate you Yeah, there's a certain level you have to get to before you're entitled to love and mutual support, right?
I can imagine it though. I just went on a date that went pretty well. That was me. I can do it I believe I can do it. That was like a week ago He actually texted half a dozen times before he gave up. That must be a new record I told him about you, you know, he wasn't bothered You assume, you know how people will react but you're never right You're just you assume they're telling you the truth though Generally only the insults are people telling you how they really feel I remember it though. That was me just like I can always imagine the worst when i'm doing all right I can at least picture the best when i'm severely depressed Hey, it rhymes at least barely. Well, I at least want to believe Hey, i'm hannon and I play saffron the show people watching and if you like that episode come check out Facebook.com slash sub normality where you can find more of our stuff our things People watching teens |
CrackerMilk | if_hackers_used_australian_internet | Angela, I know it's been top of the bomb squad, but I need those papers in by yesterday. Hello. Greetings. It's too late. I've already planted North Korea's bomb and it's going to destroy the world. Ta-ta! What's wrong boss? He's got a bomb. He's gonna blow up... ...the world.
Hack into the mainframe.
Oh my god. My page won't load. Refresh. Refreshing! It still won't load.
Is your roommate downloading something? Bodie! Bodie, are you downloading? Bodie, are you on Netflix? No! He's not on Netflix.
What do we do? Reset the router. Of course. Resetting. It's in. It still won't work. What do we do? We're gonna have to call...
Telstra. Just Telstra. Aye.
I'm having problems with my internet. And what's the problem? My page won't load.
Have you tried refreshing? Yes, I've done that. Is your roommate downloading anything? He's not. Is he watching Netflix? We've checked. Can you unplug the router? Yes, I've done that. Wait ten seconds? I've done that. Good, plug it back in. I've done that!
Okay, I'm just gonna grab the manager. Can you hold please? I'm on hold. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_115_John_Williamson_AM | In isolation as listeners we've had a few interesting guests because there's a lot more people with a bit of spare time on their hands to talk to us. We've had Sir Bob Geldof, Malcolm Turnbull, a whole range of different people that wouldn't usually be free to talk and today's guest is one of them as well.
With a career in music spanning over 50 years and 26 golden guitars I believe, I hope I got that number right. I'd argue that it was 26 or 27, I can count 26 anyway.
You don't want to get that one wrong, but thank you for joining us today John Williamson. It's a pleasure Clancy and Errol.
How have you been in isolation mate? I've been up in South East Queensland, I've got a block of land up there and we'd only just extended gone upstairs so it was a perfect time for us to move in and clean up after the builders have left and all the rest of it. It's a good spot down there in Australia's Tuscany, down there in that south east corner where they only worry about themselves.
That's it? That's all we've been doing lately is worrying about ourselves. Now with a guitar in hand I imagine it's probably a bit easy to sit at home. I've noticed that Troy Cassaday, he was saying that it's a lot easier as a musician to be stuck in isolation because that's mostly how you spend your lifetime in the back of a truck or in the back of a bus or in a hotel room. You used to that? Yeah, I think it's great, I've been learning how to retire, which is what I've been thinking about. Because we postponed all our sold out gigs to next year so I was going to go quiet next year but it looks like I'm doing it this year and we'll get back into it next year. It's a good country to be in, I guess, in the scheme of things as a musician because it looks like there'll be live music in Australia well before there is anywhere else in the world.
So yes, basically you just put that one on hold, postpone it, bump it to 2021. They haven't cancelled the Denny Ute must have yet, but it may, I don't know, but it's still something to go on. They'll be the last to do it.
Everyone will have to sit in their Utes or in the back of the Ute out in the pack, that'll work, that'll be fun. You can still do donuts in isolation, that's alright. No, I've enjoyed being isolated because I've been looking forward to getting up into like Springbrook, up there with a big shed, so I've really enjoyed it. You know, we're now about able to see our grandkids so we're not suffering too badly.
So basically when we look at your career, John, you've almost done an album a year. Yeah, there's some compilations, there's a bit of a cheat there. We've put out a few compilations and, you know, best ofs and all the rest of it. And we're doing it again now, this box set. Yeah, yeah, yeah. JW50. Yeah, so there's 25 mini-discs, two songs on each disc and a painting of mine or a drawing on each cover. But yeah, I think I'm in the 20s when it comes to original albums, early 20s, something, you know, brand new studio albums. But there's a couple of live albums, like there's a Sydney Symphony one that I did, so that all adds up.
So can you take us back then, if this spans 20 years, can you take us back to 1970? What was John Williamson like back then? I don't think I've changed that much, Errol.
I still got a brother on the land so I go out there and sit here on the chair and worry with him about the barley prices coming down because of China or whatever. Getting too much rain.
Yeah, that's it. I'm not as shy as I used to be back then, I'm sure. Yeah. You learn you can't be shy in this business. I mean, talk to you folks, you know, I wouldn't do it if I was shy. Yeah, no, you're on the front foot already.
Last year, Paul Kelly released an album and we were talking to him around the same time. Paul Kelly has kind of got a way of kind of, I guess, slinking through crowds and avoiding being bailed up by the punters in a way that someone like Jimmy Barnes might not be able to do, where, you know, you get every single bloke that's ever listened to your music wants to say g'day and wants you to behave in every airport lounge and in every servo. And they have an idea of what you are and how you're going to behave and how you're going to act. How do you deal with the punters? I'm always quite flattered when someone comes up and says, you know, they're my greatest fan or whatever they want to say, or they want to play.
I don't mind that as long as it's not too much. But I can, I think it's an attitude, if you don't want to be noticed, you don't get noticed. You don't have people in the eye. And I think that's the way you remain normal. I think there's been nothing worse.
I've often been tempted to write a song, who wants to be Jesus Christ or John or Elvis Presley, because when you get that famous, it'll end up killing you.
Yeah. The modern footballer would actually struggle with that because they've all covered in tattoos and they've got wild haircuts nowadays. And they're huge too. I ran into one of the Burgess brothers this morning. Yeah. You can't miss them.
John, I love your music. It was Buck and Hootersfield, I loved it. Yeah, you knew who I was, that's better what you said. Jordan. You do a better one than me. Northern England.
Can you tell us the moment when you decided you were going to make that move into music? I mean, as we said 50 years ago now, 50 albums ago, 20 original albums ago. What was the decision and was it a big risk at the time or were you just a young bloke where you could have done anything at that point?
Well, I was one of five boys, so I was on the farm first. And I actually had a farm with my brother. It was a 4,000 acre property.
So I had a future there if I wanted it. I went to Borderkill for a few years in Melbourne. That's where I got into folk music. But it wasn't until I went up to Moree, north of Moree, Cropper Creek.
I was being amongst kangaroos and emus. And I came up with this song, Old Mount Emu. And I was just performing in a little coffee lounge in Moree just for fun. In fact, I got free meals about all I got out of it. And I wrote this song, Old Mount Emu, which was just a novelty thing. In those days, it was only novelty Aussie songs that got in the airplay.
You couldn't be serious. You had to put on an American accent and do all that stuff. You wanted to be serious.
When I sang it at the pub, Imperial Hotel in Moree, I had to sing it three times. It's never happened to me since. I had to sing the song three times.
I might have a hit here. So I went down to Melbourne and I had a connection with Channel 9 because my dad's cousin was the musical director there. So I got on New Faces straight away. And the next minute, I got a contract in front of me with a recording of Old Mount Emu. It went number one for five weeks. So I actually went back to the farm when I first heard it on radio. After that, I decided to give the career a bit of a go. But I remember dad's cousin, Brian Rankin, told me, you know, you won't last in this business long.
You'd be a one-hit screamer. And I was a one-hit screamer for a while.
But I worked up my career and eventually started writing, you know, some serious songs. And 16 years later, I came out with Melly Boy album and that's still my biggest album.
It would have been a hell of a time to give up the farming because, you know, back in the day, in the 70s, it was quite an exceptionally wet time. I mean, so you'd be seeing, you know, these big crops up the armpits and then it's like, no, I'm going to get into music. We had some bad years as well. We had to sell all our sheep for skin value at one stage. 65 when we moved up there was the worst drought on record up there. And in another year, we had about 2,000 acres a week looking prime and the frost killed a lot.
Yeah. And I think that was when I started to think there's a better way to make a quid. Yeah. Certainly is. Or you could be a farmer in Moree where you can't seem to fail up there, can you? Yeah, Bob, that's very prosperous. Yeah. My drought doesn't end very well. It always comes back. Yeah, yeah.
Tell us a little bit about those early days. Like, did you meet any heroes early on? Because, I mean, everyone in country music has kind of got a story about meeting either, you know, meeting Slim, because Slim had a few Renaissance moments in his career.
Oh, he's a bit older than me, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You might have timed well with one of his comebacks. Yeah.
I think Slim saw me as a competition, actually. He came at the whole showgrounds thing where you didn't want your tent close to the other bloke's tent, you know.
But I did meet some American stars. I met Roger Miller, I met Tom D Hall, and I actually supported Johnny Cash.
Whoa. Was that Stanthorpe was the Johnny Cash show he had here? No, it was down in Tassie. I did the two casinos there with him. Right.
Yeah, and he was a big bloke. He used to have heels on him about four inches. So it was like Darth Vader. He wore a big black coat.
He didn't say much, you know. No.
But Tom D Hall was good. I went on a little cruise around the harbour with Tom D Hall, and I sang All Australian Boys Need a Shed to him.
And he was gobsmacked. He'd never heard anyone sing a country song without an American accent.
Yeah, right. And it blew him away. You kind of started that, I guess.
As you said before, there was a lot of novelty in Australian music, particularly country music, and all the rest was singing like Americans. And I guess you kind of brought, you know, an authenticity to Australian country music to the mainstream anyway, where you could sing in the voice you're actually talking. Yeah, Aussies couldn't say love when they said love in a song.
They'd have to say love. I think I might have been the first one to say love on a record. Yeah, right. That's because Slim never sang a love song that I remember anyway.
He and Ralph Harris had the accent, but Chad Morgan was my hero. He's still around. Chad Morgan was, I think, the reason he sang crazy songs because no one would take him seriously anyway. Yeah, he's still around. He can't be mastered. Not even 10 years ago, he was headlining there. He could write a serious song, but he had a comedy look about him, and he played on that.
Did you find any hot spots around Australia where you kind of, you know, where you didn't expect to see country music fans? Because you often find that in places like Logan, particularly urban areas, Eaton's Hill, like North Brisbane and South Brisbane as well, and I know Rudy Hill in Western Sydney.
They just love their country music. Yeah, but mind you, I think my music is more folk. The country, even though I hung my hat on the country music, their pigeonholed me there. My songs be quite honest. I work with anyone that likes to hear about Australia. They don't have to be into country music necessarily, you know. In fact, I think the really hardcore country music fans aren't as big a fans of mine as some of the other people, you know, because I'm not into the American thing. But I pay tribute to the real Aussie-style country music. On this box set, there's a new one called Those 50 Years, and I've actually recorded in that real slim, traditional Aussie style.
There's definitely a market for it still. Yeah.
Did you do much touring overseas? Did you... New Zealand? Yeah, New Zealand I did a couple of times. I did America once, and I did England twice, and Ireland once. But after I'd done them, I thought, that's not really me.
So you've been all over the country then, so you've obviously toured it top to bottom. Where was a place that really took you back? I mean, I know there's been a few times when, like, the last time I crossed the Nullarbor, I popped into Esperance, and I was like, geez, this is a pretty nice corner of the world. Yeah. Is there anywhere you've been that's really kind of blown you away?
Yeah, I think the Pilburn blew me away more than anything else. All those big red hills were covered in spinifex and white snappy gums. And I, in fact, it almost turned me into a landscape painter. I loved it that much. I ended up painting quite a lot of landscapes from the Pilbara.
And that's, like, really isolated and very quiet. You wouldn't believe there, but to go through it, it's like being on Mars or being on a different world. The same with around Broome up there in the Kimberley. That's like another country. Yeah, it is. More like being in South Africa or in Africa, you know?
Do you ever get that with your music? Do you ever pull up into a place and say, I have to write a song about here? I mean, you've written about a lot of parts of Australia. Yeah. My favourite of mine takes me back to my early days.
Chasing Pigs is obviously Gundy Pork. Gundy Pork, yeah.
I did write about the truth. I think that's why it works, you know? And I've been on the land, so all that stuff's truthful.
But, yeah, I was inspired by Uluru and all that area out the centre. And I got to know Warren Williams, and he took me around a lot of the places. I think the Red Centre is probably the most amazing area, you know? But, you know, I'm into the tropics. Where I live in South East Queensland is a subtropical country.
Love that. Yeah.
I've written a lot of songs about that area, too. You've said before, you know, True Blue obviously is a song that took off, tared away from anyone else in making music at that time. And, of course, your catalogue, you don't think that's your best song you've written, but, you know, that just happens sometimes where the audience grabs onto a song. You didn't have any expectations for that one? No, I didn't write it as a, you know, try to be a hit.
I wrote a project for John Singleton, who had a TV show called True Blue Aussies. Right. He had three years off from his business, and he went into filming True Blue Aussies. So he went out on the road with people like Buddy Williams, and he wanted a theme, and he just rang me up and said, I'm trying to hold it. That's about all I got. So the song was asking the question, what is True Blue?
Is it me and you? Is it mum and dad? What is it, you know?
Then they used it for the Buy Australian campaign, and that gave a huge exposure. And with all sorts of wonderful Aussie pictures to go with it, it was like I had this million dollar film clip presented on every channel. So I was very lucky there.
I don't think it's necessarily the best song, but it's used for celebration and also for funerals, you know, and for the cricket team, Wallabies, everything, you know. People are here to a thought. So I can't beat it. It's my calling card, you know.
So that gets yelled at you during a gig when they feel like you're not going to play it at the end of the set? Yeah, play half way through the first half, and then you go, what's up? Just hang on.
Yeah, the Eden's Hill. In your last two films, I suppose. But I'm getting a bit of gundawindy pork from the audience too. Yeah. Yeah, all the shooters. All the horns up the back, yeah.
Can you tell us a little bit about Tamworth? You kind of saw that machine become a thing, the Country Music Festival. That would have been during your heyday when Tamworth started really kind of the festival itself, hitting its straps. Did you have any idea that that would turn out to what it was? Yeah, I think it was going to work. I mean, it was based on the whole Nashville idea that John Minson kicked it off. And Tamworth was a bit of a country music center already because of the John Minson's hoedown. Radio program. And I remember coming through after Old Man Emu was released. They came through from Cropper Creek and met the Emanuel brothers. And it was a bit of a country center already.
I didn't go to the first awards. In fact, I thought all I was going to do was make everybody stab each other in the back for not, you know, because you reckon you should have got the award kind of thing, you know.
But it did work. I became president of it for a while. I guess the reason I joined up, I just wanted to make sure we don't just become a satellite for American country music. And I think Tamworth has done a lot for that.
Yeah. So we have our own sound. And as time goes on, we're getting more and more Aussie singing about us and sounding like us. Yeah, I actually heard the other day from a source inside Rugby, Australia, that back when you used to sing, you know, after the All Blacks would do their haka, that you aren't allowed to sing a song at a rugby game now if it's not a cultural song. But would you argue that Waltzing Matilda is a cultural song? Oh, definitely. For Australia? Yeah, well, if it's a song that stirs the nation, that's all it needs.
And that one did. And I did actually shock the hell out of the All Blacks when I did sing it after the haka. Yeah. Actually, they were actually pissed off, because they thought this is not right, because they had it their own way every time. But what Walt was telling me afterwards was that we won the Bletterslow Cup that day, the first time I did it. And then the team went overseas and won the World Cup. Yeah.
Yeah, it was the first time that after a haka that they were on the front foot when all the Aussies sang Waltzing Matilda. And I remember doing a little dinner or something at the grounds beforehand. And there were a lot of kiwis in the audience, and they thought it was a bit of jack, because everyone knew I was going to do Waltzing Matilda after the haka. It was promoted, and people were ready for it. And the kiwis said, oh, we'll sing along.
I had no idea the impact that would have on the game. And when it came to the World Cup in Sydney, they wouldn't let me sing it after haka. So the kiwis won in the finish. They didn't want to write a reply. That's what it was, too, because that is an advantage the All Blacks have. It's like anthems are sung, and then they do an incredibly intimidating war dance, and then it's kickoff.
And it's all been downhill since the 2003 World Cup. How everyone's talking about the share market being as low as it's been for millions of years.
What about the Wallabies? Yeah, well, I think rugby hasn't looked after the grassroots. I think that's the main reason for that.
And they didn't allow it to go to free television. That was the biggest mistake. You lose fans if you can't watch it for nothing. Yeah, not getting someone to drill a hole into my house so that I can watch Rugby Union.
Now, the Waltzing Matilda, you've obviously sung it a fair few times, but we spoke to the Honorable Bob Catter last time we were in Mount Isa. We had an interview with him. That would be interesting. Oh, yeah, it was great.
It goes for about three hours, and he interrupts himself constantly. But he is obsessed with the yarn, as a lot of people up that way are.
And Bob reckons he knows the entire story. Bob reckons he knows the name as a cop that killed him. I know the murderer. He was set up.
Yeah, Johnny, you've got to come to Parliament House and come for a protest. This is the first example of police brutalizing people in Australia. Now, Bob was out in front of Parliament House today, dressed as the Grim Reaper on behalf of the automotive industry.
Yeah, holding to Aussie jobs. Loves a pun, Bob, doesn't it? Yes.
Does he do anything for the country? I'm not sure, but he's funny. He does a lot for his people up there in northern Australia.
Inland Rail, Inland Rail. What do you think? So what would you say is your footy team?
Because you're based in, I mean, you're obviously across all codes. I'm very clever. I've got the foot in all camps, mate.
Even though I was born in Victoria, there's no rugby league down there, so I'm a Blues fan when it comes to origin. Also a Broncos fan.
Yeah, right. Very clever. And I've always been an Essendon fan because I was brought up on Aussie rules. Yeah, right. Always loved Essendon. So I've got it all covered, really. Well, it's good the sport is back.
I mean, the music can't be too far behind it if they're talking about getting fans in stadiums for the footy. No one knows the strategy from our end. We're outside of the tent. But I reckon live music isn't too far off. Yeah, but I'm not too sure about having a cardboard audience.
Yeah. We did a story today. That's what the Victorian Labour Party basically looks like, an NRL crowd at the moment with their branch stacking. That's it.
I could just see going out there and signing all the cardboard. I'd take them home and stick them up on their wall.
See, I had quite a lot of sold-out shows I had to cancel or postpone. I can't do them again until everyone can come. You know, 300 can come and 300 can't.
You know what I mean? Yeah. So I can't do anything about them until we're able to sit next to each other again. I think that's the way. Especially for the ones I've already sold. Yeah.
You know, I did a shared show on my shed every year and I had to postpone that. Well, there's only one or four people that wanted their money back. So, you know, it's all still happening next year. Well, there's been a couple of musicians who've started to do their shows on Skype.
Is that something that would interest you? No, I wouldn't. I'm doing the odd silly thing, you know. Not performing.
Like, I promoted this box set by doing a couple of silly things like taking the wheelbarrow to the mailbox and picking it up because I hadn't seen it before. You know, I took the wheelbarrow up to collect all the fan mail but there was none there. Just silly things like that. And I'm going to go around the shed and probably tell the stories of all the stuff I've got in the shed.
But rather than perform, I find that a bit, everyone's doing that and I think it's a bit weird. Yeah, it's a bit of a triple J idea, that, isn't it? Yeah. It's probably great for young artists that are trying to get somewhere and it'll probably kick a lot of them off, so good luck to them. Now, where you sit kind of in, you know, a foot in both camps with your music between folk and country, have you ever been paired up with someone? I mean, you're well known for a songwriter, a balladeer, not necessarily the type of music associated with hardcore partying. Have you ever been paired up on tour with bands that kind of just clashed a little bit with that classic touring style you do? You're probably not trashing hotels. I think I did one with a DJ.
That was out in West Australia, but it got rained out. But that was with a DJ and that was completely opposite of what I was about. And everyone was under umbrellas and eventually they had to cancel it because the power was a bit of a problem.
We always know what's going on, so I don't want to be put in the wrong place. Yes. I've been here with Paul Kelly or John Farnham or something like that, doesn't matter. But it's the really modern hip-hop or something that can really fit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't even know how you'd describe all the different music these days. Yeah, it's all starting to tangent off in different angles or different styles. It doesn't seem to be much melody in it. It's just poetry with music.
I'm thinking about the other, what's the rap or whatever. Yeah, gangster rap. Drill rap.
Do you keep an eye on the young fellas coming through with guitars? No, not really. I did for a while when I was the president. But if I hear somebody that's genuinely Aussie and just sounding like... You two, for instance, back when I started, there wouldn't be voices like you on TV or radio. Sort of a half British kind of accent or what they'd be putting on an American accent. So the whole thing's changed and it's great to see the young ones coming through now.
I recorded recently with Elise Simmons. We recorded my song, Three Sons. Yeah, right. No, she sounds really good.
Who was the late-night host?
They just hired an American. Don Lane. Yeah, because everyone thought Americans were better than we were. Nowadays Aussies are getting jobs, like Adam Hills in England. Yeah, but who wants to live in fucking England?
You get no son there. It's just one big Gippsland, isn't it? No, you're like me.
Not to get too serious, but you've got to understand why a mob that had been taken off their land 200 years ago... If I had to live out of Australia somewhere and I wouldn't let it go back, I think I would die.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's what happened to him. And so you toured a lot with Warren H. Williams. Yeah. And were you as familiar with Aboriginal Australia before working alongside him? No. You learned a lot. Well, I welcomed it.
He approached me to do a duet with Raining on the Rock. I'd already had it on the Malley Boy album, but he approached me. He was doing duets with a lot of people. His manager suggested it out there at Alice, and Raining on the Rock just suited him down to the ground, of course.
And that was the song that got the airplay, the duet. It was an ARIA award one year for the most airplay for Country Song, I think.
But I was invited out there to meet the real fellas out there, the real old people. They're cunning. Warren said, oh, yeah, I want to take you out to see my uncle and he's going to show you the stones that he's got, which have been handed down for thousands of years.
And when I got out there, he was gone. Yeah, right. So I wasn't initiated, but I don't say, no, you can say you can't come because you're not initiated. I had to get all the way to the middle of the desert before I found out he didn't want to talk to me. And Warren didn't tell me either, oh, Uncle's gone. Yeah, Warren was just, he was just taking a punt. Yeah, I suppose, yeah.
And, yeah, they're lucky enough to still be on their land out there. Yarrida, Western Yarrida. You would have seen a lot of Murri Koori country music as well on the road. Did you ever know, did you ever think, you know, that there's just a whole scene here that's waiting? Because, you know, with Warren, there was, I mean, a lot of people that era are black singer songwriters. And further north, you get Warumpi Band and, of course, you know, Kev Carmody and that kind of stuff. Did you see the country music before everyone else heard it? Oh, I saw a bit of it. I've been at some of their festivals and supported them, you know.
The thing is, what I've encouraged is to sing their own songs, you know. Yeah. Like I've been doing for me. I kept telling Warren he should do his language songs. And then up gets Gulpilil. What was his name? Gurumul. That's right. Sorry. Meg's in there helping. Gurumul, yeah, he got up and he was a world hit by singing, you know, in his own language. And I always said to Warren, you should do that, you know. And so they can, they could send their stories around the world. Because you soon work out what they're singing about. And we did do a song where we used a bit of the language. Yeah.
In Ain't, Ain't, I'm getting too old, guys. Well, it's 50 years. It's 50 years. JW50. 50 years on the road.
Would you say that Australian country music is a lot more original than what you'd get in America? Because, you know, just for the past 10 years, you know, since Garth Brooks really came through in the early 90s, it's all been that, you know, homogenized crooning. Like, I've lost my baby. You know, like, things like that. I've noticed as an Australian country music fan that there is always someone different that's coming through. Where in America, it's just more of the same Nashville shit year in, year out. I don't want to pat myself on the back too much. But things like Galleries, Pinkalars, Rain on the Rock, they're called country songs. Well, they're nothing like American music, are they? They're nothing like American music, yet they're still called country. So, you know, maybe those sort of songs have opened up a bit for the young ones that have been into what I do. You know, but even Slim's stuff, I think, Rain Tumbles down in July. They're very Australian, you know.
Even when you go up that way, they start saying, Joo-Lai. Yeah. That's how authentic he was. He said Joo-Lai like an old ringer. One, Gina Drover, which is probably regarded in the folk area.
It's really an Australian country song, you know. Yeah. It's about country. It's country. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, it's either that or it's an Italian country song. Either way. Spaghetti Western.
So that's 50 years, 50 albums. Not all necessarily original albums, but 50 albums.
JW50, yeah, coming out now. And that should get everyone warmed up for when we're allowed to do the live shows again, I guess. Yeah. Next year. I think we've had an advantage for the top 20 artists in Australia because we won't be able to bring the Americans in the poems out for a while, probably. Yeah. We might start head-dolling our own shows. Yeah, that's it. Splendour in the Grass might have an Australian lineup. Blues Festival, Aussies, Gympie. Yeah, that should be a good time for Australian music. It certainly will be for film because we'll be rolling cameras well before Hollywood. Yeah, that's all right.
Yeah, well, they haven't looked after the bars over there.
No, no, no. Well, thank you for joining us today, John Williamson. It's been great to chat to you, and we're looking forward to you coming out of isolation with a vengeance. Thank you, Clancy, and you took it pretty easy on me, I think. |
dropout | wish_i_had_a_portal_gun | This I had a portal, wish I wish I had a portal done Wish I had a portal, wish I wish I had a portal done To be an avid to science client would be like a dream Hey yo, my brain has been craving it back since portal gets steamed No commute to work, I'd have a portal expressed With a blue one in my closet, orange one at my desk When my roommate is annoying and been twine with my stuff I'd shoot a portal underneath the man, just punch him in the nuts I'd order delivery, get it fast like Desjourno Cause once it leaves the restaurant it goes right through a portal I never late for a date, just ask my lady friends By using portal physics I'm always impressed and then forget Making reservations, I would never have to wait Portal in the right location, I got someone else's plate I could sneak into a party where they didn't invite me And be dealing up a party while some dudes try to fight me Would always end well, dealing with these mere mortals Aperture handhelds got me thinking with portals This I had a portal, wish I wish I had a portal done I'm not viewed like Freeman, yo, but please don't make me beg for one This I had a portal, wish I wish I had a portal done I'd be cool as shallow, I could do a speeding cross rerun Life gave me lemons, I don't make lemonade I'm mad like cave chalks and I got lemon grenades The world didn't fill with bubbles, I could solve with portal physics I would brave the chamber of struggles just to escape family visits I'd be traveling like a maverick, surface is all orange and blue When I'm locked out my apartment I'd use the companion cubes Oh, GLaDOS take me to your center cause I want to get enriched I'm dying thinking about your science, I'd do anything for it Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I'd shoot two portals in a vertical line Undo my belt, lean in and change pants without having to look down Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Also I suck my own dick Wish I had a portal, wish I had a portal Yeah bitches, science Now you're coming with portals |
Wizards_with_Guns | i_can_t_think_of_a_good_evil_plan_ | It's horrific, it's diabolical, it's the pure essence of evil! It's what I want them to say when I think of this evil plan. Something evil, something evil. Come on Vermilious, you've done this before. I'm just going to say the first thing that comes to my head and I'm going to see where it goes.
Laser. Falafel.
I mean it's kinda evil, it's got the word opal in it. Brbrbrbr! Shake it off, shake it off! I've had good evil ideas.
Remember swordfish? Took a sword, took a fish, mixed them together.
It was so evil! Of course I didn't get the credit. God did. God gets credit for everything evil. Evil, evil, evil.
Uhh. Ughh. Would it help if I was racist? Hmmm. But which race?
I got nothing! Jeremy, you got anything evil? Ah! I gotta stop killing my henchmen! But they're just so expendable!
Except for you. Your dad's a senator.
Hahaha!
Hm. That's not evil, that's just funny. Spikes! Would it help if I changed my villain name? Something like... Black Panther! Ooh. Ooh, that's good. See if it's taken. Nah. It's probably fine.
Murder.
Oh. Oh my god! Manuel! Manuel, I've got it! I got it! It's perfect!
Hahaha! Haaa!
I forgot it. I was laughing for too long. Manuel?
How's the other evil plan going? The one where we fill the children's hospital with poison balloons? Yes, I said poison! Oh, you forgot the poison? So, we just gave a bunch of kids with cancer balloons?
Do you know how that makes me look? This one tastes the best. But this one's more poisonous Get the keys to the lab I need the antidote ah I forgot I killed him so long ago. Oh glad has the keys black ah Why did I kill him so high up? Wait Greg has a ladder great Well his ladder can't be far All right, I killed him with the ladder If you don't like and subscribe I'm going to start phase one of my completely original evil plan a global pandemic what? really How long have I been in here? What is this I wanted just lava |
Wizards_with_Guns | we_watched_jack_black_s_worst_movie_wizards_watch | Hey guys, welcome to another Wizard's Watch! Today we're watching a house with a clock in its walls. The house with a clock in its walls. The house with a clock in a wall.
So close. Suggested by Ben LT. My hands always sweat so much when we do these, I don't know why. Get your hands off. Oh, you're wet! Yeah, I know. This one's even wetter.
Start the movie. No, not yet! We have to ask them to like the video first. And then we can- Dear Louis, enclosed please find one bus ticket and two silver dollars for your trip to Michigan.
I'm really sorry about the loss of your parents. Your mom was my sister, so that makes you family. And I'll do my best to make you feel right at home.
As Einstein said, life is like a bicycle. I thought that was Forrest Gump. Laugh is like a bicycle.
You never know. Your dad never done taught you. Not everyone can appreciate the intricacies of a freeform jazz artist. I don't care what you play, you're playing at three o'clock in the morning.
So I'm begging you- who's this? Oh, this is Louis, my nephew. He'll be living with me. And here we are.
Three bedroom, two bath. No bedtime. No toilet.
There is a clock in the wall. Wow, you've- that's a lot of clocks. Well, what constitutes a lot is really a matter of personal taste. For me, it's a perfect amount of clocks. You've got so many clocks, no wonder one fucking fell on the wall. Is this what our whole commentary is gonna be? Very clock focused. Clock centric.
Goodnight mom. Goodnight dad. I really miss you guys. Love you.
He's looking at a picture of the Chuck E. Cheese band. I thought that was an iPad for a second. Subway surfers. Clark, let's make a decision. Hear me. Zeebus.
You're not laughing at the kid with crutches getting picked before me. Why would I laugh at the kid with crutches? It's a funny joke. The main character- It's not a joke. The goggles are such a red flag to this entire gym class.
They picked Crutcho. Do not call him Crutcho. Crutchums. Crutcho's gonna- Oh my god. Crutcho for the win. We can't use this because you keep calling him Crutcho. He came in crutch.
Now we have to.
This house is scary and old and scary. And there's all these clocks and I see weird stuff out of the corner of my eye. And I almost feel like Uncle Jonathan's hiding something. In the wall?
Oh come on. We can't. This is gonna be the whole time we're gonna be doing this. It's not sustainable. It's too much.
This house used to be owned by another warlock. Isaac Izzard and his wife Selena. He passed away and left a magic clock in the walls.
Why? Because he's a terrible joker. Why so...
Clock in the wall. That's not- Too much, too much. Turn back.
Do you used to be born a warlock? No. Anyone can learn. They study, practice hard enough. Can I learn? No.
Please, please, please, please, please. Okay, have it your way. I appreciate this, because this is what I would say. If I met someone who could do real magic, I'd be like, you gotta show me how to do fucking magic. Please.
And how does one become a full-fledged warlock? You have to defeat an evil spirit by using your own magic. That is absolutely right.
Am I gonna have to defeat an evil spirit one day? Oh, don't worry, not for a long, long time. You're perfectly safe. That's safe?
He threw a flashbang in there. Well, I have scoured the crawlspace. I found a dead mouse, but...
No clock.
I was joking. Mike! I was about to say, enough with the clock stuff, but holy shit. Isaac may be dead, but he is still dangerous. If Lewis knew the truth... Well, we don't know the truth. We don't know where the clock is or what it does, except something horrible.
Stop! Are you ticklish? No! I have a boil under my arm, and it's sensitive. It'll pop at any minute. Gross!
Hey, Lewis. Why do you wear those goggles? Captain Midnight was paired just like this. I thought he has bad eyes. Yeah, those are his glasses. Yeah.
It's like Mitch. Oh, never mind. It's nothing like Mitch.
Who? Oh, no. What happened to Mitch? It's me, Glitch.
Have a look around. Right there. That's the planet where Thanos is from. Hey, you got your cast off. Do you want to go hide some balls? Sorry. The boys and me. I knew it. Now that he's not hobbled, he's gonna leave them in the dust.
Me and the boys gotta eat a football later. We're hungry. The boys and I are hungry.
They were best friends. They were? Once. All they had was magic. And each other.
Then Isaac went away to war. He was fighting in Germany when he went MIA. He was fighting for Germany. He was Hitler's right-hand man.
And he found himself a witch, Selina. So spiteful and mean, he married her. And they locked themselves away in the house. Until one night last year, Isaac performed a blood magic ritual that killed him. What was the ritual for?
To make a key. A clock key.
Once we're done watching this, we should watch A House With A Cock And Its Balls. The porn parody.
With Jack Black.
He's also the main character. Okay. You wanna see some real magic? I'll show you. Yeah? You gonna saw a lady in half? I'm gonna raise the dead. He's gonna raise the dead to prove magic? Just levitate his ball. Yeah. We're in the ocean or something. But he literally... Like, look, ooh, can make these leaves float. He's just jumping to full necromancy. Boo! Ah!
That is such a ghoulish headstone. Just a grim reaper in a cemetery. Wait, wait, wait. Did the grim reaper die? That's his headstone.
That's it. It's all his. See? I told you all this was equal.
This movie for babies. Cause I'm not a baby.
We know.
You don't have to be a baby to wear a diaper. You just have to have a butt.
Oh, they're paper cutting him. Oh my god. Just one big encyclopedia just lands on his head. And it keeps landing on his head. Boom, boom, boom.
So, you opened a forbidden cabinet and performed an unholy ritual on accident? Jonathan. I didn't know Isaac was evil. You never told me. Oh, so this is my fault. I didn't say that. Then what are you saying? What the hell were you thinking?
I just wanted Tarby to be my friend again. And I want my parents back. And I figured if it works here I could go home and try it on them.
This kid is good at crying. Dude. He looks like he really is bad. I mean, he hasn't been a bad actor, but he's pulling it off. Maybe the producers killed his parents. And they just told him that.
With this clock, Selena and I shall wipe this filthy world clean. It's a doomsday clock. In a way, it destroys everything, but not by ending the world, but sending it back to the beginning. If the planet is one giant clock, then this damn thing is the winder. He's winding it back to the very beginning of time.
Sorry, Fatso. No ice cream for you. You're mean.
That's his name. I looked it up on IMDB. Oh, so it's Crutcho and Fatso. It's Crutcho and Fatso. Jesus.
Mr. Sanchik, get away from the door. Don't be ridiculous. No!
Is that Ben Franklin? In the flesh. That's a good reveal.
I'm scared. They are scared.
I like the boy. An orphan with a love for Captain Midnight warms my dead heart. Please don't make me butcher him. Give me the key. I don't have a gun. I know, right?
I bet that would put him back to the grave. I bet that would put a bar bullet in his butt. I bet that would put a dang bullet in his butt.
Just tell us, where is the clock? The clock is under a witch's hex. You'll never find it.
This is over. We know you went through something awful during the war. We all did. Oh, on the contrary. It's where I met my teacher. I stumbled through the Black Forest for days. I chanted every spell I knew with one thought only. Make me powerful enough to end it. To erase the horrors I had witnessed. When I opened my eyes, I saw him. He offered me something to drink. This wasn't in the Bible. Suddenly, I had it. The blueprints for the clock. In my mind. Clear as day.
That wasn't a warlock. It wasn't even a human. It was a demon, you reckless idiot. You summoned a demon.
Yes, yes. Azazel to be exact. The fourth prince of hell. Now that's in the Bible. That is in the Bible. That actually is. Bible approved. Jesus. He's in there too.
I swear to God I saw her reload that umbrella. She was packing slugs into it. I saw her pushing a hollow point at one point.
Marmalade! Now! What if a wizard used a bop-it to cast spells? Twist it. Locate the secret clock. Under the boiler. Who is your genius? They never saw this. They never boiled anything. Not even an egg? I should have called this movie The House of the Clock Under the Boiler. Hurry!
God, I hate pumpkins. On me, on me, on me. Pumpkin on me. Pumpkin on me?
He's down, he's trash, he's literally dog water. It's beginning. The sands of time are shifting. I didn't think it was going to be so serious as literally just erasing all of existence. I thought it was just like the main characters would die. I thought it would just be a bomb. No thanks.
I was like, why did this movie get a 65 on Rotten Tomatoes? It was a hundred until that, until Jack Black Baby. And you know what? I still don't know why.
He just drops him into the gears. Yeah, he's literally like, never mind man. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to. This is too much. I'm going to show you what a little weird can do. I'll go Jonathan.
I'm back. Except for my d***. My d*** was still baby size. My d*** was still baby size and it wasn't this way before.
It wasn't this way before. This is an effect of the magic. You saw it happen. Lucky shot. We won't lose on our team. No.
Rose Reader, right? Can I see your bug book? There's no joke needed. That was just a perfect line. Can I see your bug book? Sure, it's made out of bugs. I thought that was a euphemism. Damn girl, show me that bug book.
You ready? You know Jonathan, you drive like an old grandma. That's funny. You look like one. Guys, stop. You're both super old. Nice one, Louis. Gold star.
Amazing. Amazing movie. Mitch, what did you think? He loved it. What was your favorite part of the movie? Yeah, what was your favorite part, Frank? I loved the part where his parents died.
That wasn't even in the movie. I can't believe that the clock was not inside the wall. That was the biggest twist of it all. Technically, it's within the walls. But not in the walls. It's not fair. I think that was dishonest. I think it was cheap. I think it was too political. It was. Mike, what was your favorite part of the movie? Oh.
Don't say Jack Black Baby. Say anything else. Is Jack Black Baby peeing?
Thanks so much for watching, guys. If there's a movie you want to see us watch next time, leave it in the comments. If you haven't, please like and subscribe. We've got new sketches coming soon, so hit that notification bell. And check out our subreddit, r slash wizards with guns. Finally, special thanks to all our patrons. You guys make our videos possible.
We wouldn't be able to do it without you. That was really sweet. That was really genuine. I never see that side of you. I can't always be a clown.
If you haven't checked our Patreon, we have like a lot of content there. We have like a ton of behind the scenes for every single sketch. Uncensored. Recensored. We had to sort of cover up a few things. Yeah.
Goodbye. Bye. |
cracked | do_you_have_what_it_takes_to_title_porn | You hear the interview? I'm on my brick. Let me save you some time, newbie. Go home. I had to interview eight times to land this gig, and I can already tell you're not nomenclature material.
What do you mean? You see that photo over there? Who's that?
He's the reason there's an opening. Did he retire? Fat chance. The old bastard loved the craft. No, he killed himself, blew his brains out when he couldn't come up with a porn title for the pianist.
Wait, sir. Mr. Krab? Yes, I see you now. Our interview process is simple, Mr. Krab.
First I will present you with a popular film, and you will respond with a pornographic revision of this title. Mr. Fantom is here to provide you with additional challenges which you will address as they arise.
Uh. Apocalypse now. Uh, okay. Um. Uh, cock on lips now. Good.
King Kong. King Dong.
Come on. Come on, these are too easy.
Batman and Robin. Oh, I uh. Batman and Robin.
The Exorcist.
Restriction. You can only use unaltered titles. Ugh.
Oh! Ah! Hey! No! Oh. Oh, that will be begun.
Thank you. We'll definitely be in touch with you, you know. Oh, thank you.
I'm gonna bring it over here. I interrupted my scene right here. Dear God, it's a French film, apparently. Very artistic. Oh, man.
The balls. What? What is it?
They think they're going to a war movie. What if we answer the question? Question mark? Let's fuck.
Well, it makes sense. It makes sense. My God! It only makes sense, but it's not grabby. Okay, okay.
What about something from another language? You know, there must be something in African that stands for anal and it's a question mark.
Damn it, where's my all-in-act? Get all-in-act! Look at anal! Where are all my files?
Is it? Work faster, I'm dropping these too! Come on, man. Damn! Those are muskets. |
TheOnion | Crime_Reporter_Links_Warehouse_Fire_To_Depraved_Sex_Act | A warehouse burns to the ground. Police say it was a simple accident, an open and shut case. But was it? Or was this a crime carried out by a pervert turned on by the smell of smoke and the gentle crackle of fire eating through wood? A sexual arsonist. When this Birmingham warehouse went up in flames at 3 a.m. one morning last year, investigators were quick to point to the stack of unresolved fire code violations issued to the building. The fire was an accident. It was not intentional. It was not arson. It was nothing of the kind. It was unintentional. It was an accident.
But did police prematurely rule out the possibility that the fire was the work of a twisted sexual psychopath bent on getting his rocks off while watching the building burn? Dr. Gene Weiss is a psychologist, someone trained to get inside the mind of a sexual arsonist. Is it possible that a pervert with an erotic fixation on hot licking flames could have started this fire? People can have sexual obsessions with just about anything. And statistically, aren't the rarest of obsessions those most overlooked by police?
I suppose that's possible. More than possible. Investigators contend the doors of the warehouse were locked and had not been tampered with.
But a sexual arsonist driven mad with yearning for the sting of sparks upon his naked genitals could easily have gotten a ladder to reach the fourth story windows and used a grappling hook to lower himself inside. Safely on the main floor of the warehouse, did he run past the supposedly suspect chemicals, exposed wiring, and jerry-rigged gas line, knowing they would serve as a perfect cover for his macabre sex bonfire? Once his bizarre pyre was complete, he would have struck a match to set it ablaze. And as the soft husky scent of ash filled his lungs, he grabbed his penis, surrendering to the roaring flames, brushing against his skin like a silk dress.
The evidence confirms it. A statement from a gas station employee who said he heard, quote, a loud boom at around 3 a.m. the night of the fire. Isn't it likely that the noise was an explosion set by the sexual arsonist to mask his squeals of ecstasy as he stroked his chafe member one last time, shooting his seat into the fire? We asked police, but they wouldn't respond to our questions, citing a complete lack of evidence that anything like that occurred.
They even refused us access to the warehouse scene, where copious puddles of ejaculate glazing the charred floorboards will no doubt be left to crust and flake away with time. This case may be officially shut, but take heed, fire-loving sicko. In hell, the flames will be too hot even for you. |
dropout | we_found_sinbad_s_shazaam_genie_movie | What are you doing?
Dad could have thrown out all of Mom's stuff. He just could have. James, there's gotta be something he forgot here.
Something real. We can remember her by. Hey. We have our memories. They're real. No one can take that from us.
Yeah. Clean this up. Can you imagine if Dad saw this mess? Really? Well done. Bless you. What is that? Whoa.
Man, it feels good to get out that thing. Kind of cramped up in there.
Should have took you long enough, Tina. Wait. Y'all are not Tina. Kidnapper! Wait, wait, wait.
Where you going? I just got here. What happened to saying hello? I believe we got off on the wrong foot. Don't come any closer.
Okay, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna start all over, right? I'm gonna introduce myself.
I am Shazam! I am the Genie of the Lamp. And you are? You're not a genie. Genies aren't real. Every time I come out the lamp, I hear the same thing. You'd better get out of here, all right? Oh, you would. You're gonna toot me to death? Shazam! Not gonna scream again, are you? If you do, I'm gonna have to take one of your wishes away. He is a genie.
You're a little Tina. That was my mom's name. How long have I been in this lamp? She has kids now. I thought we had something going on in your mother. I know I'm 2,000 years older than she is, but look.
Clint Eastwood did it. It could happen. Age ain't nothing but a number.
You know what I'm saying? Wait. You know where I'm from? You can make me my own dinosaur. |
dropout | the_science_behind_law_and_order | With the recent cancellation of Law & Order, you may be asking yourself a lot of questions, and even a few queries. What will happen to my favorite characters? Will criminals and rapists run free? Can Sam Waterston finally die?
To understand the future of the Law & Order franchise, we must first explore the complex biological system that has sustained the show for two decades. Over the course of its existence, Law & Order has evolved to possess a unique physiological makeup with regenerative properties unprecedented in the entertainment kingdom. Like the mythological beast Hydra, when one Law & Order meets its demise, two more sprout in its place. It's similar to the healing properties of the starfish, which is why you might have heard people refer to starfish as Nature's Law & Order. In addition, Law & Order's evolution has given it an awe-inspiring resilience to harsh predatory factors, such as changing tastes, aging actors, much better shows, and Benjamin Bratt.
As the mother pod reaches maturity and begins to sense its impending extinction, its outer membrane sends off a series of rerun seedlings. These sprout pustules on various other organisms, assimilating the entire ecosystem into one homogenous blob.
Law & Order obtains the energy it needs by feeding off and metabolizing a unique electromagnetic force of depression given off by sad old people sitting in front of a television. This force, called Lonelium, is also emitted by Long John Silver's employees and your aunt. Yes, Law & Order is a miracle of survival and resilience. Next, we'll take a look at the aggressive, destructive retrovirus that scientists have dubbed Jay Leno. |
dropout | anti_terrorism_honor_system | In light of recent terrorist threats at our nation's airports, the United States Department of Transportation is installing a new and state-of-the-art security procedure. The Honor System.
Excuse me, sir. Did anybody else pack your bags? Uh, no. Are you a terrorist? No. Really? Yes, really.
Look me in the eye.
Are you a terrorist? No. Are you a terrorist?
No. Sometimes more advanced safeguards are necessary. Do you crush your heart? Yes. Do you hope to die? Yes. Would you be willing to stick a needle in your eyeball? Yes. Say it. A needle in my eyeball. If doubts remain, the security agent may select a passenger for further honesty evaluation. Are you not, not a terrorist? No. You pinky sweat? Yeah, sure. On your mother's life? Yes.
Let me see your other hand. We got a finger crop to get him!
Our new zero-tolerance policy dictates that an apprehended suspect must promise that he or she will never do it again. Never, ever, ever again.
The Department of Transportation is committed to a safer traveling experience for all Americans. Also, you'll still have to take off your shoes. |
cracked | deconstructing_the_most_wtf_clip_in_internet_history_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, welcome to episode Hail Satan of Does Not Compute. I'm your host Morley Safer, and my co-host this week is a guy who sticks bananas on his face and then explodes them. How you doing that guy? So you just get those at a farmer's market or what's the... Speaking of things that burrow into your psyche and hatch terrible terrible eggs there, today's topic is...
Yeah, we get it. Man, I hope that room he's in isn't carpeted. Let's try that again. Today's topic is... No, still not helping me out. Can we translate that? There we go, cuz that makes hella sense.
Chances are, unless you're East Asian or have made a career out of rolling around in the Internet's waste, you probably haven't heard of Billy Harrington. Well, allow me to introduce you. Sorry about that. Luckily my chest cavity is like totally filled with extra heads. After all, you never know when something's gonna blow your face off.
He knows what I'm talking about. But hey, enough of that dude's banana. Let's get back to the naked bodybuilders. Wow, that was a really gay segue. And so is this.
I just have so many questions. Why are they chasing the girl in the transforming steamroller? Who spent dozens of hours making this? And how come whenever I put a baby's face over my wing, I get arrested?
And perhaps most importantly, what kind of mileage do you think he gets on that dude car? Are you looking for a new or used dude car?
Then come on down to Harrington's, where we just got a brand new shipment of 2011 boner cycles. On a tight budget, check out our wide range of gently used O-Rains. And we got all the added features. High beams, low beams, and a lot of balls.
Mmm, check out the taint job on that. So come on down to Harrington's, where we don't jerk you around. Unless that's your thing, in which case, Mmm, uh-huh. This could be you. Wow, that may be my favorite way to censor things.
Yet the questions remain. Who is Billy Harrington? And will he get his own Pixar movie?
Clearly, whoever created this wacky character is, oh, he's real. That's so much weirder than. Awesome.
You know, you'd think in a fight like that, he'd go ahead and deploy the laser dick. I mean, peeing lasers is a tactical advantage in pretty much any situation.
Well, maybe not any situation. Excuse me, do you have any condoms that can withstand direct laser blast? No. Really?
Cuz I have killed a lot of women. Yes, as you may have already guessed, Billy Harrington is, in fact, a late 90s gay porn star. So how did he go from the perfectly understandable pastime of butt-humping to careening down the freeway in a laser fight with Sailor Moon?
One word, Japan. That wrestling video I showed you? Whoa!
Not a cue. That was not a cue to roll that again.
The clip found its way onto an Asian video sharing site and quickly became what the kids are calling a Mimi. Billy's so big in Japan, they even flew him out there to give an interview on the video.
What was your reaction to it? What did you think of it when you first saw it? I thought it was so creative, I was so overwhelmed, and I was very flattered by it all the time.
Really? Humbling? This humbles you? Billy then humbly did a talk show tour, became the site's unofficial spokesperson, and licensed the most generic action figure of all time. I can see why the West doesn't let its memes take interviews. It's a simple question, sir. Do you support a free Palestinian state?
Well, that about does it for this episode folks, but before we go let's check in with the robot body I'm building to put clippy's mind into in a segment. I'm still in probably calling the robot body I'm something something to clippy's mind, etc. So how you feeling old buddy? I know the folks at home can't wait to see it back in action. I feel only pain.
Oh, he can talk now That's a good sign. Before I jam the metal part into the other thing, he just kept screaming and screaming. Ain't that right, sea dog?
Please kill me. Wow, talk about gratitude. See if I ever jam anything into you again. You're a soulless monster. Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I'm better off with my new co-host. Get well soon, buddy. Fuck you. Thanks for watching gang. I've been your host droid Michael Swain, and this has been Does Not Compute. Allow me to show you out. |
TheOnion | Apple_Introduces_Revolutionary_New_Laptop_With_No_Keyboard | Gilman says the MacBook Wheel has also simplified the organization of files, so searching your hard drive will be a snap. Just press both sides of the wheel concurrently, and center click, and there you have an alphabetical listing of every file on your hard drive. Everything is just a few hundred clicks away.
Apple is calling the MacBook Wheel the most intuitive product ever designed. Here at Apple, we like to think that we're giving customers features they don't even realize they want yet. While the MacBook Wheel won't hit the shelves for another 3 to 15 months, many Apple users already have it on their wish list. I'll buy almost anything if it's shiny, and made by Apple.
Alex Zalben was one of the lucky few to get to try out a Mac Wheel, and spent 45 minutes typing an email to his friend. I never really realized how much I hated keyboards until I saw this thing. I like how the email automatically says, sent from a MacBook Wheel, that way people know you have one.
With a price tag of just under $2600, for the lowest end MacBook Wheel, it is an investment. The super-thin laptop features numerous innovations, like the new ultra-thin Hummingbird battery, which can power the MacBook Wheel for a full 19 minutes before needing to be recharged. And the computer is virtually unbreakable unless dropped or hit. But Apple isn't resting on its laurels. Brian Gilman said they are already hard at work on the next generation of the MacBook Wheel, which will be 4 ounces lighter due to its lack of screen hard drive or wheel.
For the Onion News Network, I'm Jeff Tate. Thank you for that, Jeff. |
SaturdayNightLive | pudge_solomon_old_friends_snl | What you doin', man? what you doin'? what you doin'? what you doin'? it's like the white blood. hey, Bud! come on, what you doin'? man, man. I can feel it. man, you make that beat out of the thing all night long. good to see ya, my friends. what'd ya do? I did good to see my friends. I hope you know your damn friend in here. you know what I say? I ain't your damn friend. you'll be crazy.
Now, you crazy. you crazy. Hey, man. you a Ronald Reagan, man. what'd he do now, man? give away cheese. Ronald Reagan. Foolish, man. Yeah, he's crazy. He a nut. I'm both a Ronald Reagan. Why'd you do that, son? Because I'm crazy. you hear what I'm saying? everybody both a Ronald Reagan. Crazy. Yeah.
I think they found that General Down. they found who? General Nittlesby.
Yeah, they found me in Italy. Yeah. I was in Italy. Okay. When? when were you in Italy? during the Hitler war. Oh, yeah. yeah.
Hitler was a nut. Hitler was crazy, man. No Hitler did. what'd he do? give away cheese. you hear what I'm saying? Hitler gave the cheese away. You crazy. Hitler's a fool, ain't he? You crazy, son.
I've seen Hitler. how'd you know? it's him, son? I've seen Hitler. how did you know? I was standing in the bushes and some German come up. they woke up to this man. they said, hi, Hitler. you hear what I'm saying? hi, Hitler. you got dad's file?
I can't dang.
I got shaded out my bunions. my bunions hurting, man. you're looking good. I had these bunions sit down 20 years old. yes, I see it, man. man, I used to come home and work. after working in London, y'all take off my shoes. yeah. my bunions say, hey! yeah, these bunions talk. crazy. yeah, and then my wife, man. man, she pay for all she pay. she take my shoe off, rub my bunions. you know, she kiss my bunions, say, solemnly, this is gonna be all right. was it all right? and I say, baby, you keep kissing on my feet, you ain't gonna be all right. you hear what I'm saying? keep kissing on my feet.
I'm crazy. man, she was something else, boy. she used to rub my back and tell me, solemnly, you a good-looking man. oh, she lying. what'd you say? she lying. you crazy. my wife never tell me no lie. never. To an old, long time, we married 40 years. she never lied to me, and I never fooled around on another woman. I swear to God, every time I touch another woman, I was dead serious. you know what I mean? dead serious. Man, I love her, man. I love my wife. she was beautiful, man. I wish she was here, man. I was crazy. everybody crazy. |
dropout | hardly_working_wait | So I guess I guess this is goodbye wait I've never told you this, but ever since the moment. I met you wait Dan I can't let you do this. I'm the one who told the judge that wait Patrick remember that trip we took to Vietnam the baby that we buried wait Jake I knew you'd come back for me Actually, I was talking to Dan Jake. I knew you'd come back for me I just wait and you too Patrick. No, I was talking to Patrick.
What is it you and I each have one half of the ambulance wait Josh Yeah, hey our Dan and David up there. We're up here It's your a cappella group. They've all wait David.
Let him finish. No He means me. It's true Vince.
I suck wait. I need you to wait you came back for me Wait, what Jake you go first. I was talking to Dan you I was talking to David and Dan Patrick David again me too I just came here to talk to myself.
Okay. Okay wait for you Sarah. I'd wait a thousand lifetimes. No, I mean wait I'm confused. Okay. Nobody cut me off Dave wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait I just realized we've been standing here for the last 46 years And we haven't aged at all |
SaturdayNightLive | newsnight_suzanne_looks_awful_saturday_night_live | Welcome back to News Night. I'm Aaron Brown, and how can I put this?
I am better than you. before the break, we're talking about recent U.s. airstrikes on insurgents in Afghanistan. just when we think we're out, they pull us back in. that's from the Godfather Part 3. that couple is best, But I digress. our correspondent, Suzanne Carbonell, is live in Pashwan, Afghanistan. Suzanne, what is the situation there? Aaron, my crew and I arrived today to find our accommodations destroyed. the city crippled by power outages and a shortage of running water. While the U.s. military claims no civilians were hurt in these airstrikes, clearly it is the civilians who are suffering now.
Live in Pashwan. Suzanne? Aaron, this is our third day of sleeping in our truck and trying to cover the mountain chaos here in Pashwan. you've gone just three days without the comforts of home?
Yes, Aaron. a small road-side bomb exploded this morning before dawn. was anyone hurt, Suzanne? was your makeup person injured at all? I don't have a makeup person with me, Aaron, but the cameraman were pretty shaken up by what. I should think so. I overheard one of them saying to the other, holy crap, she looks rough, and I can only assume they were talking about the beautiful old Mosque in the Town Center that had been damaged.
Well, be well, Suzanne. we'll all be praying for you to get some sleep. Breaking News Out of Pashwan, we go to our own, Suzanne Carbonell. Yes, Aaron, we're in day six of the ordeal here in Pashwan, and conditions grow more dire each day. Suzanne, are any supplies getting in? say, food, water, soap, tweezers, anything at all? And no, Aaron, And there are widespread reports of looting. we have been on an angry mob who pelted me with hairbrushes and compacts and tubes of lipstick. a violent, but perhaps well-intended gesture. We'll be right back. Day 10 of the Pashwan standoff. Suzanne, were you in a fight or something? No, Aaron. actually, my contact lenses became infected, and I've seen to have lost one of my porcelain veneers. it's more than one. Well, it fails, Aaron, in comparison to what the people of Pashwan have lost.
And how was the crew holding up? Oh, they're nervous, Aaron. yes, a few suggested for my own safety. I put on a burka. you know, the traditional full head covering. perhaps for our viewers' safety as well.
What do you mean, Aaron? nothing. we'll be right back. before we go to the Pashwan story, we have breaking news about Hurricane Wilma. we go live to Fort Myers, Florida with our own. Really?
Suzanne Carbonell. Yes, Aaron, we had heavy rain last night. it would seem so. Well, I flew directly from Afghanistan, and I can honestly say things here are even worse. Suzanne Carbonell looking more and more like Shaka from Land of the Lost. coming up next on News Night, what to expect at your colonoscopy appointment as reported by our own. Oh, come on, Suzanne Carbonell. |
cracked | old_review_aka_adult_swim | I think we got it. I think we got it that time. I think that was about as good as it's going to get. I mean, I know we're going to start it. Anyway, we can retire.
This is our final episode. Goodbye, everyone. I hope you enjoyed it.
Welcome to the movie club, the show where we do a book club. But for movies, which are like books, but better.
I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I am joined by text change. I'm joined by my co-host, Jesse and Ally.
You know why? It's because one of you gets COVID every other week and you're just cyclically getting sick. I'm having to fight through the pain.
I've never had it. I had it for the first time. It was bad.
Also say hello, I guess. Oh, hey. Oh, hey, hello.
I'm going to say something real controversial. Just like COVID is bad. How many seconds in? Oh.
Just don't get it, like if you can, which you can't. Yeah, I just don't get it. I just don't get this whole COVID thing. I don't understand why people are so obsessed with getting it. Yeah, it's like, ugh.
But I had it. I enjoyed it better before. I enjoyed my time better before it rotted my brain.
Woof. And my lungs and all that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I hear it's great.
I'm never going to get it because I am ordained. Maybe. Actually, you have to be seen if that's true. Yeah, I don't know if I still ordain. It was a faulty ordination. Yeah, but I was ordained at one point. So for life. It's like the getting ordained is like the cootie shot. Once you get it, you're good.
Unlike the COVID shot, I guess. But anyway, I was going to call this anti-vax Bahamas. But YouTube down ranks any anti-vax content, so.
I mean, I feel like that's the big problem. I'm not my anti-vax comment. I feel like that's the big problem of the last couple of years is that it doesn't downgrade. Enough of it. They're actually doing a bad job catching what they need to be catching. That's how we capture niche markets is this week we're going all in on anti-vax.
Right, yeah, last week was Indian film. And we waded into a whole lot of things that we, to be totally honest, didn't know a lot about. It just kind of said, hey, I saw an article that said this. And a lot of people said, but that's not what the movie says. And I'm sorry. So we should have done more research ahead of time last week, but we got a lot of new people watching. Talk about it. And you got a lot of new subscribers.
Fun. Yeah, also Ali did do kind of a lot of research. It seems like. I really did. I had a great time watching the movie.
I had so many notes to talk about. I'm actually thrilled that we didn't talk about the thing that you talked about. Because I don't think we needed to talk about more.
Controversial stuff.
I just was very, it was just interesting in that it seems that fans of this movie and of the director's work and certain actors, I always think of people in America as being the most voracious fans. And I think that that is truly just my own bias of recency bias and being like, well, that's what I see on Twitter. Because then you read something and you're like, wow. Now that's a fan behavior.
I was wrong.
Well, and people found our, so fans of RRR are clearly scouring YouTube looking for reviews for better or worse. So like Gamefully Unemployed is a podcast by some other X-Crack people. And they did RRR with Jason Pargin, who was a guest on our podcast. And that one has like 10 times, 20 times the views on their YouTube as their normal stuff. Ours is our most successful yet. And a lot of those views are from YouTube search.
Anyway, it doesn't matter. We're not talking about RRR. We're talking about fricking old, which was a terrible decision by me on so many. We only talk about movies that are three, that are one word, three letters, that's it. Yes, that's all we do. And we ran out of ideas real quick. We had Ben, we had RRR and now we're here.
Also just by the way, for those of you that are just checking into the livestream, the way that we do this, it's gonna be really tough because Brian is not here. And Brian is supposed to be the one who tags things. Brian might show at some point.
Yeah, so instead, Jordan's gonna do it. And while we talk and bear our soul, Jordan's gonna say, I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything you just said. Was it important? But if you have a thought that's interesting or an alternate title for this film, just say it and I might see it. I might not. Let us know if you lost your virginity on vacation as a kid or as a 15 or whatever. And we'll get to that.
When you had the mind of a six-year-old, yeah. The mind of a six-year-old, the body of a 50-year-old and the vocabulary, they split the difference, the vocabulary of a 30-year-old. You didn't have the body of a 50-year-old, he had a body of a- At the end. Yeah, but not when he was impregnating stuff. Yeah, he was like 15, but also not really because also the actor is probably in his 20s.
He's gotta be, yeah. He's in every movie that's about a family just absolutely losing their minds. A kid's never had a normal vacation. Yeah, well, because yeah, that's a kid and he's been in hereditary, but he's been in other horror stuff too. Yes, he's like always in like, he's always like a kid who's like, what's happening? Like he's always having a really terrible time.
Right, because he was also in the freaking Jumanji movie. Yes. Right?
The other horror. Wow. Body horror, actually. That's horror, I'm scared of that one.
I actually liked it, it was fine. I liked it, I'm just saying it.
We should have watched that instead. We should have watched probably anything.
Cracked his shit now. I saw that one, thank you, Johnny. Potseed, I appreciate it. That's the one comment I noticed.
Hey, you come to Jordan's house and you tell him that yourself. Yeah, come over here.
I like Jordan Potseed. What is it, Johnny Potseed? Johnny Potseed, it's so fun fact. Going around America, sewing the potseeds, making sure that we all go strong, I like that. So my mom claims that we're related to Johnny Appleseed, so maybe I'm related to Johnny Potseed.
He's a nice guy. Yeah, how can you be related to the- Yeah, he's real, he's a real person. Well, well, well. It's not like Paul Bunyan's blue ox or whatever, it's like a real ox. Oh, I was gonna just say that my dog is related to the big blue ox. I'm actually related to the jolly green giant. Wow, we all have something.
Absolutely roasted Jordan's mom, sorry. My mom is a saint, maybe literally, I don't know. I don't know where all the ordinations and stuff are in our family.
So here's what we're gonna say. Allie, tell us what the hell this movie is and then I will defend why I decided to pick it. Cool, in this movie, people go on a tropical- Pause. Mackie, thank you so much. Yes, I agree, old cinematography. A lot of people said it was great.
It was pretty weird. It was weird.
Thank you for your time. I think that- Yes, we'll talk about it. I'm sure. Okay, sorry. I think Mackie's comment is very appropriate. They said, please keep up the work, not necessarily the good work. I think that's actually very helpful. You see, it's something that I've talked about. Just keep being employed, yeah. I've talked about that many times with my therapist, sometimes we are obsessed with ascribing good versus bad versus whatever to almost anything, our work, our output, our relationships, when it would just behoove us to let things be and perhaps reflect later on whether we think it was good, bad, worthwhile, whatever, as opposed to in the moment deciding. If I don't side right now, if this is good or bad, I can't continue to engage with it. You know what I'm saying? Damn. I understand.
No, no, Mackie, don't go back on it. Don't go back on it.
I don't know. It definitely negates everything you just said. All right, sorry, what is the stupid movie? Okay, in the movie old. Oh, and I, sorry, really quickly, spoilers are fine. Sorry. Oh, okay, all right.
I don't care about spoilers. So everybody who cares about spoilers for this dumb ass year old movie, just be aware. They're coming, because I want to talk about it.
Go, sorry, I'm done. In the movie old, a bunch, did you have, Jordan just disappear? Oh my God, you flew, you leaned back and you fully disappeared. You got so casual.
That's cinematography. That was wild. That was like a joke from airplane. Like that, I don't know if you could possibly recreate. That's really fantastic. I am never going to give a summary of this movie and I frankly don't care. I'm so talented.
Go. That was good. In the movie old, dot, dot, dot. Okay, great. In the movie old, a bunch of families are invited to a tropical island and they are having a big fancy vacation there.
And a person says, hey, you know, the really exclusive thing to do here is to go to this like super secluded, secluded little beach, little cove. We only take a couple of people there every time. A sexy little cove. It's really special.
We'll drive you down there. Just go meet this driver or whatever time we'll go.
And so a very small group of people are taken to this little secluded beach where they discover that an hour on, is basically an hour on the island is like a year of your life essentially. And so that like a day is like basically half a lifetime. I think it's every 30 minutes. I thought every 30 minutes was, oh yeah, every 30 minutes is an hour. That's exactly. It'd be weird if they said every 30 minutes is half a year.
Yeah. Now I'm thinking about it. I'm like, yeah, that makes no sense. They also spent like an outsized amount of their lives trying to do the math. Yes.
So there's like a couple of different people in this who are in this little secluded problem. There's like a married couple. There's a couple with kids who are going through a divorce but aren't telling the kids yet. There's an older guy married to a young sort of vain beauty obsessed younger wife.
There's a rapper named Midsize Sedan, one of my hardest laughs of the year. I'm not joking. I had to pause the movie because I was laughing so hard.
And so anyway, they're all aging very rapidly. The other thing is that like, it's not just aging, but like time is moving really quickly. So like if you get an injury, the injury heals really fast, blah, blah, blah.
It is at first they're just like, this is magic. And then later they're like, maybe it's actually like some sort of interference. I feel like we're being spied on. There seems to be like cameras up there and a guy keeps appearing and spying on us, blah, blah, blah.
Everyone dies because they're old. But it is discovered, twist, here it comes. Everybody buckle up. That the government does know about this and they put those people there on purpose because they all were being studied.
Oh my God, there he goes. He's gone.
They're all being studied because they, most of them had some sort of disease and they were like testing drugs on them. So instead of wasting an entire lifetime on a drug trial, they get it done in a day.
That's the movie old. Thank you. So why did we watch this? Because it's such a dumb idea for, well, it was such a meanie thing that I wanted to see in theaters, but nobody would go with me and it was also COVID and stuff like that. Which I guess it still is because you guys keep missing this podcast. But I just really wanted to see it and I figured this is a way to do it that I won't feel like I've completely wasted my time regardless of what happens. Although I still pretty much feel like I did.
But I just wanted to talk about it because I love high concept horror where it's like there's one goofy thing that they have to deal with. It's like, I think it's called lights out or whatever. It's like the monster can only move when the lights are out or these like really specific things that they have to deal with. Because, and I feel like I've mentioned this before, like one of the things that's great about Christopher Nolan which is not a horror thing. So I'm skipping a little bit is he will take whatever weird idea, time idea or whatever he has and does a really good job of building the action set pieces around it. Where he's like, okay, if we're moving backwards wouldn't it be crazy if we attacked this island at the same time so that the time, whatever. So I like when horror movies do a good job of saying, okay, here's our weird reality. What are all the creepy things that could happen if this is true? And I think this movie did fine with that. I think that relatively pans out. Like the, I mean, it doesn't make any sense but it was crazy. And I also will say that like, I kept finding myself getting distracted trying to see if things were actually following the roles that they had set up. Which I think is like one of, oh, I have not watched Midnight Mass. We can watch that. Yeah, just watch it, that's great. I like, I also really like high concept stuff but when the question starts getting in the way of the enjoyment of the movie, it kind of sucks.
And so like for me, if they're like, okay, everything's moving faster. The, if you have an injury the injury heals momentarily. It's not just that you get older it felt like everything moves faster but there were like birds and stuff flying around who didn't seem to be aging and falling out of the sky.
They had food on the island and she like reached in and got a big old thing of pasta salad which she ate because she had like pregnancy cravings I suppose. And that hadn't like molded and gone bad in the last 20 years or whatever it was. Like it didn't really follow the rules that had set up. Yeah, two big things that I thought would have followed the rules are, A, shouldn't some of the flora and fauna have like evolved to be super fucking different.
Okay, annihilation. And B, shouldn't they all be pissing and shitting constantly? It's like moving through their body really quickly. Yeah, if you, if like decay of a body or if like tetanus happens like fucking lightning fast. Shouldn't like when you eat a noodle it should immediately be shit. And that would be- I guess so. They also, all should have been technically like starved to death too because like the baby died from inattention in four seconds.
That's why they- That was so funny. Yeah, they, that's why they gave them so much food. The kids needed so much. Remember he hands him a basket full of food and he's like, this seems like a lot of food. He's like, trust me, you're gonna need it.
By the way, we shit 320 pounds of poop in a year. So that's an, that's every hour on this beach. 320 pounds of shit coming through them. In a lot of ways. Multiply that by like what, like 15 people? Just like, it would be, that would be what the whole movie would be about. Yeah. Is that where to store the shit, yeah. They would step one foot on the beach and just explode out of their anus and die.
I also feel like speaking of like high concept stuff, like if something is entertaining enough, I do feel like even if you have the questions, you stop thinking about them because you're like engaged. Do you know what I mean? And so like, I think a really good example of that is the movie, Us, which again, like sorry if you haven't seen us, I'm gonna say what it's about basically. But like we have all these like alter egos, these tethers that are like living underground, but like basically mimicking what we do.
And so like, of course the first minute that they say that, I was like, what about when I get on an airplane? Does my tether like fly up to the ceiling of the basement she's in and just sort of like hit against a wall and stay there until my plane comes back?
But like the movie is fun and engaging and scary. And so like, even if I have that thought, it does not like derail my enjoyment of the movie. I'm like having a good time watching the movie. Whereas this movie had so many things and it moved at such a breakneck pace.
I just kind of spent the entire time being like, well, there's a crab. Why is the crab dead? Like, I don't know. Well, that crab doesn't answer anymore, so.
Right, so okay, so that's the thing is the reason I wanted to talk about the twist and have spoilers is because it also makes no sense conceptually from a like medicinal testing of people standpoint, because there's a lot of different reasons and spoiler alert for your brain on crack that's coming out. We're gonna talk about how it makes no sense to do it this way. But think about it from several different angles.
One of which is like, you don't observe literally anything about the bodies except for what you can see from afar. And they're testing essentially one person's problem at a time. Like the person with the cancer drugs is saved sort of, but they also are having to deal with like a tumor growing to the size of a grapefruit in seconds. Like none of these things are like repeatable. They're like, oh, the one girl survived, didn't have a seizure for the equivalent of 18 years. But also several of their trials are cut short by the guy with the mental issue stabbing everybody to death. It just like, you can't observe so many different. And it was so funny that like when one person was like, I really think we shouldn't have somebody who has like a degenerative schizophrenic disease on the island with other people, the person who was in charge of it was like, dude, shut up.
Like it was like the most, not even just like good point, we'll think about that. He was just like, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, stop what you're saying makes like, it was like very valid, I thought it was a valid point. Like I can't believe. Just smile and clap. Literally, it was so funny. Like even if the response had just been like, we understand, I think we've learned our lesson. No, he was just like, dude, shut up, lay him like.
But it's also like, so say the drug works for one of these people, they're gonna have to fly in, like how many trials do they do on real drugs? They're gonna have to fly in 2000 people with their secret internet ad and kill them all in trial groups of like, like 30 people with all sorts of random diseases at a time.
Like the inefficiency is insane. Like surely it would be easier to just get legal drug testing and just do that for five years than to try and piece together, well, these are the only 11 sick people who signed up for our crazy internet ad this week. It's just like, it's just not efficient. It doesn't make any sense.
How are all your results just M. Night Shyamalan standing with binoculars from a thousand miles away being like, I think we cured cancer. I also thought that it was so funny that he's in the movie.
Cause to me, it sort of feels like when a serial killer starts to get a little too cocky cause they're getting bored and they start just like leaving clues on purpose or like, they start coming around in the scene of the crime themselves because they're just like, oh yeah, that's so weird that all those people in their house died. But it's like, it's because like they have like a need for, they've hit the pinnacle of what they're gonna do already. They like need to go further.
I was like, why do you have to be in this movie? You're bored. I felt like his cameo, like cause he always has a cameo and I don't remember. He's been in every movie he's ever made.
But I wonder. He's like, I like that. I mean, like, I don't like it. I'm just saying, like, I think it's funny that he's like really good at making horror movies. And he's like, it's not enough.
I also have to be the van driver. I have to act. The fact that he was the van driver, I felt like he was like almost screaming into the camera being like, buckle up. I'm about to take you for a ride.
I mean, he's doing the Hitchcock thing. That's what it is is he thinks he's, you know, Novo, Hitchcock or whatever, but that's, yeah. It's like, he's the guy in signs who like kills Mel Gibson's wife and, you know, it varies. He's like the brilliant writer in freaking Lady in the Water. He's like the writer foretold who like solves all the problems in that freaking movie that makes no sense. He's the guard in the village who like gives her the drugs. I mean, he's in everything. It's just, yeah, it's really funny that he also, yeah, had to be the van driver who also is the binoculars guy.
Like between a lot of jobs. They're really understaffed.
Yeah. The funniest, his funniest line was when, so he's like there with the binoculars watching the two kids drown or whatever. And then he like quickly packs up his stuff and he calls his boss and he's like, the boss is like, are you sure they're dead? And he's like, yeah, I watched for a minute and a half. Literally, he's like, it's actually been 120 seconds and nobody's emerged. I'm pretty sure they're dead. And I'm peckish, so I'm gonna be back at the office suit. Right, and that's the guy who's observing the whole time. That's what the guy trusted to take the notes. It's like, they're probably dead.
So many times I thought I was watching a parody. Like either this was made as a parody or I accidentally opened the wrong movie and this was like a scary movie version of this binoculars parody.
So yeah, right.
Cause like even the thing with the coral reef or whatever, like if they know that's how the people keep escaping, then blow it up or like put a gate on it or whatever. Did they say that people have escaped that way before or that they were afraid that they could? They escaped, but they drowned. Like they got out, but they drowned. So they didn't like escape escape, but they, you know, whatever. But I mean, and so they're at least aware that it's a passage that somebody has used unsuccessfully. But if you were gonna get out, you'd have to go through there because, you know, magic doesn't work in coral.
Yeah, it's like when you get an X-ray and you put the metal on you and it like incases you. I don't know. They do a lot of trying to explain stuff, which I guess I like, I guess I respect that the characters in the movie are trying to reason through things, even if it's stupid. Cause I think that like makes sense writing wise that they would be like, well, if we can't go through this way or like, why don't we walk through really slowly? Yeah, but if we do that, it'll take us 50 years to walk through. I like that they like tried to reason through things.
And totally, and that's my favorite thing about high concept horror is having, or anything really, but like having to figure out how to exploit the rules in a clever way to escape and whatever, whatever. Like even, I don't know, just basically any horror movie like this where they do that, that's great. That's fun.
They just got so, the more they explain it, the more you're like, yeah, but that doesn't really make any sense. And I feel like even more than that, the big issue for me is that all the characters, they don't seem like they are that worried about it most of the time. Like even like the kids who survived to basically the end, they sit on the damn beach all night long building sand castles and shit. And then they're like, do you think we should try and escape? And he's like, I guess, otherwise we're gonna die here. I'm like, you aged like 30 years, keep trying. I don't know, it's very weird that they were like, oh, resign to my fate, I guess. Yeah, in a lot of ways they were like resigned to their, I can't tell if it's bad acting or bad direction. Cause I feel like so many times it was like, okay, you're worried about this, but you're resigned to it.
Now try and mix those up into one delivery. And it always comes out as, should we go swim? I mean, okay, so speaking of acting, this movie has genuinely an all-star cast, maybe not all-star in terms of like A-list actors, but like these are all people who have put in like really well-regarded performances in like some big movies over the last couple of years.
The main couple, the woman was- And that's Sports Illustrated Model or whatever. That's Sports Illustrated Model.
Well, she's like- It was actually kind of funny. I like kind of like thought she got the humor in a way.
I don't know. She's the one cast member bold enough to be like, wait, oh, so this is bullshit, right? You're joking.
Oh, I was gonna say, Brian Cranston was originally cast for this, but couldn't make it work. If Brian Cranston was on that beach, I would have believed everything. He would have crushed it. I don't even care- He sort of has the gravitas to make this. Was he gonna be the older doctor who was like losing his mind?
I think he was mid-sized sedan. Stop. I'm sure he was the dad. I mean, I really think that like, okay. That line of dialogue. There's a rapper on the island. His name is Mid-sized sedan. That's what you need to know. There is a line of dialogue where the teenage daughter turns to her dad that's like, oh my God, that's Mid-sized sedan.
And he's like, I don't know who that is. And she's like, oh my God, you're so old and lame.
He's the biggest rapper in the world. And it's like, I- Do you remember his song? The name of his song?
No, it was probably like, my blood is so thin. I wish I had thicker blood. I don't know.
And in that same conversation, she's describing to her dad why he should care. And she's like, Mid-sized sedan, more gel for the cooking. You're so right. Yes, it was like more oil for the cooking.
Maybe he wrote it down. He's like, I don't know. Oh man.
I mean, M Night Shyamalan, you didn't have to name the song. You probably didn't have to name the rapper.
Just think about it for more than seconds. Wait, wait, wait, but about the actors.
So Vicky Craig is the main, is the mom. She was in Phantom Thread and got like universal acclaim for her performance in that movie. Gail Garcia Bernal is in Mozart in the Jungle. He was in E2 Mama, Tambien. He is like a unbelievable- Station 11. Yes, he's like an unbelievably well regarded actor. And then for like the kids, it's like the kid from Hereditary. The girl was just in Last Night in Soho. She's also great. That movie was like wild and kind of all over the place. But like, she's really good in it. Then the girl who's like the little girl who gets pregnant and then falls is Eliza Scanlon, who was in Sharp Objects and also in Little Women and was like amazing, like every single actor, even at the end, when the girl grows up, she's Miss Honey.
Do you know what I'm talking about? Did you know that? Did you put the, did you realize that?
Do you remember, do you remember Matilda? What, from Matilda?
Yes. Wow. I know. So anyway, all actors everybody likes.
Saying lines of dialogue, such as, you're always thinking about the future. You're always thinking about the past. You work in a goddamn museum. And together we're both overlooking the present. I mean, you're always thinking about the past, comma, you work in a goddamn museum, exclamation point.
Like that's like, that's how it exists on the page. I think it might be a crime. I don't know.
Yeah, there was so much other stuff like, oh, early on, early on, the mom was like, oh, your voice is so good when you sing. I can't wait to hear it when you're older. Well, he knew that the marketing was gonna tell everybody what was going on anyway. So I think he just leaned into it and was like, whatever, we should just, it is campy in a lot of ways. But I feel like, I was saying this before the podcast, but to your point about the acting and the dialogue of where the problems are exactly, there's a ton of really long takes, just like really slow pans. And I was debating whether a lot of the dialogue was potentially improvised, if only because like during the girl getting rapidly pregnant scene, the mom is running over to the son and is like, okay, let me explain how pregnancy works, I guess. And she's like, it's gonna hurt and she'll probably yell, but then she'll be fine. It's all good.
We've all had beach births. And he's like, but I love her more than you love dad because I would never get divorced. And they're like yelling this over each other while some dude in the beach and like in the back is like, she's home with the baby.
And it's just so much like layered, but like they're just like saying things while the camera like slow pans past them to try and get their marks and stuff. Although that said, M. Night Shyamalan apparently storyboarded every shot, quote unquote. So this was all his idea. I don't know if he thought it would be more exciting to have like the people just not care, but. You know, so it was based on a graphic novel, which made certain things click for me because a lot of it was like, hey, put a lot of thought into it. And it almost seemed like the implied thing was, oh, it made more sense in the novel. Or like, if you read the novel, you'd get it. So the storyboard, yeah, the graphic novel. I'm sure he storyboarded it, but he had just read what is basically a storyboard and then just like condensed it to a shorter movie. Yeah. I mean, I guess- But it didn't have the ending either.
That old thing is him. The, I like the high concept premise. I don't even mind that it's a beach that makes you old. Honestly, like if you were like, okay, it's about a beach and it makes you old.
I'm like, I'm in, I'd love to find out. It's like, I think it was like one, a combination of trying to make it too much of like a parable of like, see, that's why when you argue with your husband, you, you know what I mean? Like it all felt a little like, and like everybody had like a lesson to learn, but like no one was really fully learning anything because they all were too busy running away from a man with a knife. Do you know what I mean?
It felt like a little too fixated on being like a horror movie that was also a statement about living. Whereas like, I feel like if it had just been like a Junji Ito, like scary comic, you'd be like, that was scary. That was a beach that makes you old. Cause all of his stuff, I don't know if you're a fan of his work, but like, and all of it is just like, it's about spirals and they make you crazy. And like, if you think about it too much, like that's insane. But if you read the comic, you're like, that was scary. That's about a town that sees spirals and it makes you crazy.
Like I, it just, it works. Is he the one that is, that made the story about everybody like sees a hole in a rock. That's their thing. Yeah.
That's such a good- Everything he draws is the scariest thing. It really is scary. I like, I like horror stuff. And so I really like his stuff.
But again, it's like, it's like a premise that if you dig way too deep into it, it is stupid. Where you're just like, she's turning into a slug and you're like, is that it? And you're like, she's turning into a slug. You're going to be scared. And you're like, okay, I'll see. And you are. But like, if they were like, and the metaphor for that is that she shouldn't have argued with her husband. You'd be like, okay, well, I thought that the, I thought that it was, I thought that she turned into a slug and it scared me cause it was weird.
But now you're telling me it's also because time is fleeting. You know what I'm saying? That's a good point because I wanted the girl that had the baby to that baby have another baby and then that baby have another baby.
And they're all full grown men and it just keeps them coming out of each other. Just like birthing out of each other's heads and arms and legs.
Until finally my ex-boyfriend pops out on them. My dead ex-boyfriend. Dead ex. Dead ex, that's the name of this film. Jordan's just furious that they never get to see like a cool like father-daughter moment. Yeah, dead ex would have been a much cooler name for the rapper in this movie. Yeah. Dead ex, like, oh my God, that's dead ex.
Yeah, that'd be cool. No, I mean, obviously the point was that it was funny, but I agree because at this point M. Night Shyamalan is a 50 year old dude with three daughters. And if anybody could write a relationship in there, it would have been him. But all it is is the parents yelling through the wall and then occasionally the mom being like, you don't get it, you're an idiot, you're too young.
And she's like, I mean, I don't look at it anymore. And I see colors now that I did not previously see. I see colors now.
She says it like three times. I'm like, all right, she knew colors. I did actually like that line of dialogue. She said it in the dumbest, most clunky way, but she was basically saying like, when I was a kid 20 minutes ago, I thought in fewer colors, but they were brighter. And now I think in more colors, but they're duller. And I was like, shit, that's like kind of like what growing up is. I did like that. She said like two or three more times. And I was like, I get it. That's what I do anytime I have a good point to make. The writing was just so weird. Like that is really like what we're all saying.
It's just like people would talk and they would say things that no human would ever say. In a way, no human would ever say it.
And even though you like you objectively are like, I know this guy's a good actor. I know he is. What you are doing is inhuman to me. Do you what I mean? Yeah.
Like I'm trying to remember the guy. I think it was the Asian actor that was in Lost. If I'm not mistaken, I can't remember if he's a doctor or what he is in this movie, but he just, every time he's on screen, he's like, do you guys think we should do this? He's like, okay, well, here's what we, he in particular, just every time the camera pans, cause it always, I want everyone's reaction on what's happening. He's like, we all know.
He's like, she's like, yeah. She's like, I have a tumor growing. And it's like the old guy's like, I'm losing my mind. And then the husband is always like, what? No, how? Yeah. Anyway, it gets to him. And the mom is always like, come on kids, follow me.
Don't look at this.
Come and follow me over here. Yeah. It cannot work. It's really great. But that guy in particular was always like, I'll just go swimming. He's like, I honestly, I'm not too worried about it, but like somebody should do something. He just was very, also I love that the dad was named Guy. Yeah. So perfect. That took me so long in the movie to think that she wasn't just like emasculating them. This guy. Look at this guy.
I'm going to divorce you guy. And they chum along like writing this down and being like, okay, we're going to have a main character. We'll call him Guy for now, but I'll rename him later. Jenny, just Jenny.
That's a great point. I don't know if you noticed every single character had a profession that related to a need at a certain point in the film. Everybody's like, how do you know? It's like, I'm an insurance adjuster. I know exactly how much, I can't remember what the problem was, but like every single person at some point was like, well, I have this very random specific job. There's a lot about the tides or whatever.
The woman who lives in the past, because she works in the museum, understands how quickly bones would age if they were left and exposed and whatever, when everyone's like, wow. Did they do this research? Well, all they did, the pharmaceutical company, they just researched everybody's illness.
They didn't really, I guess they knew their professions, but they didn't. Yeah, I get the sense that some people were on the island as collateral. Like the wife, I don't know, she had a tumor. No, the kids. So the husband was the collateral. I don't know. No, the husband had like sniffles or something. But like the woman who had the seizures who were they were studying, her husband, the nurse, I'm a nurse.
He didn't have anything wrong with him. And he wasn't on the island because he was a nurse. He was on the island because he was her husband.
Do you know what I mean? Right. I don't know.
So when she had that first seizure, like before they get to the beach or whatever, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that she was faking it. And I don't know if I thought the character was faking it or the actor was faking it, there's something so stupid about it. I kind of was like, when she had the seizure and then later she was like, I'm fine.
I'm going, I'm on the island. I was kind of like, oh, I would take the day off. I guess maybe I don't, I guess I'm maybe not you. I can't impose my will on you. But do you know what I mean? Like if you have like a grand mal seizure on breakfast and you like fall and hit your head and then somebody's like, oh, whoa, I should drive you two and a half hours away from medical stuff and you should just go to a secluded beach. I think I'd be like, I'm good.
I'll go tomorrow. Just stay in your hotel. Yeah, I'll go tomorrow.
I don't know. That's really funny. I just, yeah, I just love that at various points. Well, Jesse, there's no reason that they would want them all to be well equipped to understand what's happening because they're all going to die. Like that's the whole premise. They have to go through and scrub your internet history or whatever for all the billions of people that go through these trials. It's almost like Jigsaw like accidentally captured MacGyver. That's funny. It's like, yeah, he captures a team of people that are like, I know all about disarming weapons. They're like, oh my God, I'm so good at cutting wires. Yeah.
And I know sleight of hand. I'm the guy from 127 hours. I know how to saw through your arm in a really safe way. That'll make you survive. He's like, oh my God, son of a bitch.
I thought this would be easier. That's really good. I really like this. This is a good premise. We could make this a Junji Ito comic. Jigsaw in his early days was always capturing like really talented people.
And he was like. I didn't do his research. Yeah, he's like. Damn it, I got David Blaine again. He's like, I want to play a game.
You're not valuing your magician talent enough. If you could escape, shit. All right, well, do you enjoy your life now? Damn it. Because that's the other things.
Nobody ever escapes from a saw trap.
So like his whole underline, well, I guess they do at the, never mind. They do in the first movie. In the seventh one, they reveal several people that have escaped. I forgot. I have seen all nine.
You can't find it. It ain't there, baby. Well, I hope it'll bring you to an article.
Can I pause it? A question about the movie. I thought you'd be like pause the live stream. Can I pause it? Can I pause the live stream?
My cat's like, my cat is acting really cute right now. If you see, if you ever see me looking distracted, it's because my cat is like just looking so cute right now. And I'm looking out the window in case my cat comes home. Aww.
It ran away. I mean, it ran away like two years ago.
It's fine. Okay, it's coming back today though. I can feel it. Okay. Good luck, buddy.
So when they were trying to escape the island by going through the rocks, right? Was it a metaphor for, slash was it shaped like a birth canal? And the whole thing was that you can't go back. Like you can only emerge and keep going, but there's no like returning. There's no going back through the birth canal and to the safety of the womb.
You will only just age and get older. The best you can hope for is to spend the rest of your life with your aunt, who's going to be really confused.
I mean, like, what do we think? I mean, birth canals are covered in metal, right? Yes.
And if you go into them, you get really dizzy and like fucked up. Yeah, and it's really hard to see binoculars falling in love. Oh my God, I'm actually so dizzy and fucked up right now. I feel like I'm trying to go the wrong way through a birth canal.
So I can't remember what it looks like, but I love that idea. But it reminds me of like, was it sort of like a wormhole kind of situation? Like with time travel movies and stuff? I feel like it's almost like, it's more of a passage into adulthood. Like I feel like it's not as much, it didn't feel as much like about the premises, about birth, it's about just the aging process. I mean, M. Night Shyamalan said it's about our relationship to time. And as that one reviewer pointed out, it's like time stops, which is literally not what happens. But I think he was talking about, they filmed it during COVID and he was writing it some during COVID. It's this, how do we relate to time? Because in some ways it's subjective, some ways it's not. And so that's what I felt like they were finally sort of accepting that they should do something with time maybe, not just make sand castles until they're 50 years old. And I don't know. But I mean, birth is as good as anything else. I kind of liked that they, I kind of thought it was a beautiful moment when they were just like, well, time is fleeting and we don't have much left and there's not much we can do about it.
Do you want to just enjoy our lives? Do you want to just kind of go back to being kids and make a sand castle?
And so then when they were like, you know what? What have you tried to escape? I actually was disappointed. Because I kind of thought that a profound, I thought the profound message was like, you can claw and fight and all this shit.
But ultimately you will die, that is the only certainty. And so you might as well just like make a sand castle with your sister and have a nice time and watch the sunrise. Cause like, there simply is nothing to be done about it. And then they were like, but also- You're gonna be boned by the morning. But there also, you are, there is something to be done about it.
And it means you have to hold your breath for 90 seconds. Good luck. 91 seconds. You'll die.
Yeah. So, you know, I kind of- You sound like a scientist or a drug researcher at the beach. I think I accidentally zoned out by that point in the movie cause I didn't catch that they made sand castles. And then we're like, you know what? Let's try, let's risk it all to like live our lives. But that's fucking rules. I like that.
She found a note from the, well, one of them found a note. From the little boy.
Yeah, who was like, just so you know, coral, the coral reef is important. It was my dad, my dad doesn't like the coral.
That was a message. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is a weird thing to tell somebody. Yeah, I'd like to buy a vowel.
My dad doesn't like the corral.
Carol? I don't know what that means. Carol, you have to find and kill Carol. Yeah, exactly. Who's Carol?
Jenny just says that that's how the graphic novel actually ends. Which makes sense. I do think it's a nice ending.
It's a lot more powerful than, actually it's a drug test.
So. Yeah. And you're arrested. Gotcha. You piece of crap. Yeah.
I do like, remember how I was saying, we didn't talk about this movie in specific, but we talked about it with a different movie, I just don't remember which. That like the most recent Spider-Man movie had the disease of like a bad improv scene where like everybody comes on screen and is like, I'm this guy and I don't like you for this reason. And I'm that. And like this movie had that a lot too. That like in the beginning, the kid was like, what's your name and profession and age? Say it now. And then like. And then like, you know, like the whole movie was plagued by people being like, stop, I'm a nurse. I'm 47 years old and I'm from Kentucky. And it was like, okay. Remember when earlier I said I work at a museum? Literally. It had the exact same thing of just being like, oh, that guy, I've got electricity and I don't like you cause I'm not popular. Like it had that whole, it was like, really doing it, huh? That's pretty much it. Yeah. It's like, I can't remember a movie. And as you know, as we get older and a little more seen out, we get more racist. That's my problem. I also was like, I thought I was onto something. I'll admit.
I was like, okay, so what is the movie that Jack Nicholson and what was it? Who is it again? I can't even remember. Frank Sinatra, I don't know. No, no, it was Jack Nicholson and like Robert De Niro or something like that. I can't believe I forget. So anyway, I Googled it being like, oh my God, whatever that movie is, is going to be like some delicious little metaphor about like two guys who are stuck on an island and kill each other or like whatever.
And honestly, it's not. It's a movie called the Zuri Breaks, which was a critically derided box office flop. And it has nothing to do with the movie. And there's no fun little Easter egg there. It has nothing, nothing to do with it.
I was really disappointed because I thought I was going to come in and be like, oh, well, well, guess who looked up the movie? And in the movie, a guy has schizophrenia and kills his friend. Like I thought I had something and I simply had nothing. It means exactly as much as calling your character mid-sized sedan, calling your token character mid-sized sedan. Really? I whiffed it on that one. But I thought I was onto my little boy genius. I thought I was onto it, but I wasn't.
I did wonder about mid-sized sedan, how long he was on the beach without recognizing that anything was going on and how long his friend was swimming had died before he was- Why didn't he see many older either? Like if he's so famous, what she apparently is, it would have been weirder or maybe more appropriate if the girl had been like, I thought that was mid-sized sedan, but mid-sized sedan is 25 and that guy's like 40. But like, or exactly like mid-sized sedan.
And I like, you know what I mean? And then he's like, I am.
And she's like, okay, weird. Cause like, you don't look like him. You're older than he would be. At one point, his companion, I don't remember her name, so I was referred to as his companion. Dead naked body.
As soon as they all, as soon as somebody says like, oh, we're getting older here on this beach. I think she says, hey, this is the first time they wish they were black.
Am I right? Or am I thinking of a different movie? Yeah, his companionation is a dead woman who never- I thought his companion was dead already. Like he was like, she went out swimming and then they find the, I mean, somebody might've said that cause I don't think the movie was, it sounds exactly like a line of dialogue that this movie would have.
Oh, no, no, no, no. It's believable. It's the black lady. She does say that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, yeah. Or somebody says it to her or something like that. Like, you're right.
The implication being that he just doesn't look much older cause that's the stereotype. To try and be like, well, we're not gonna spend as much on the makeup for these characters. That was really weird. So I think that was the implication. Yeah, yeah. I mean, like you get gray hair and stuff. Like- I mean, they did a little bit- Gorg was like wrinkles and like hunching. Like, I wasn't like saying he's gonna like be like a little hunched man. Like, I just- You're like a little fucking wizard for the- Yeah, I didn't think she was gonna be like, that young wizard looks like a mid-sized sedan. Like, I thought like, just like, you know, like, oh, but like he's 20, you know, he's, he's got gray at his temples.
I don't know. His mid-sized sedan that I saw on Twitter yesterday, doesn't, I don't know. Instagram versus reality, man. Yeah, it's a bitch. Yeah, none of it really made any sense.
I mean, I thought it was kind of interesting. The cracking arms in the cave was kind of a cool death. Like, that was pretty- Yeah, that was very Shyamalan-esque. I enjoyed that.
He was super goofy, sort of still. But sometimes, sometimes his stuff is goofy. And I like, I don't even mean that with, I'm not saying that in a negative way. Like, sometimes I like how goofy it is to buy into the premise of his movies.
Like, I legitimately do enjoy that. Like, I love the village. I think it's really fun. I also loved The Visit. Did anybody see that one? Oh my God, that one's great. I love it.
And that is goofy. It's stupid. It's Shyamalan. Oh, yeah.
It's dumb, but I like really, I like love the goofiness and I was scared like multiple times. And the goofiness actually like was part of the enjoyment of the scariness. And so like, I'm not anti-goofiness.
And that was all told from the perspective. So that one's all told from the perspective of the kids. And the kids are great in that movie. I think they're very well-acted, very personable.
I mean, so another way to look at this, I think a thing with horror movies is that if a horror movie is intended to be kind of gory and have a high death count, obviously they need a lot of characters. But the problem when you have a lot of characters, particularly in a horror movie, that's always gonna be like 90 minutes anyway, you just can't flesh them all out. So you either really need to pick some that matter and really lean into it and have basically every interaction through them. Or you have to have like four characters, which the visit is two kids being scared of two grandparents.
That's it. Okay, and also Katherine Hahn on a video called being like, kids, I am a wine drunk kind of boat. I can't help you with this question. Just go have fun with your grandma. I loved that. Again, saying this with no judgment at all. I was obsessed with the fact that the one person who could save them was like, kids, there's a young man here and he's absolutely gonna take me to my cabin later. I can't keep talking. I had a lot of wine today and I'm gonna get railed. Have fun with grandma. I just loved it, love. I also love that she's like, we've made up enough with your grandparents that I'm going to send you to their house but not visually identify them or even know what their voice sounds like.
It doesn't matter. We're not gonna talk about that movie. Whatever. We should know, it was fun. That's a great movie.
There's some really, there's some bangers in his catalog and there are some real weird ones like this shape of water makes no freaking sense. Didn't you like shape of water? No, not shape of water. Lady in the water. Shape of water is about having sex with a baby. Sorry, I also meant to say what you meant to say but didn't you, did you enjoy lady in the water? Cause I enjoyed lady in the water.
In a general sense, I sat there as a 12 year old or whatever with my dumb ass 12 year old friend and we were like, I don't know. I thought they were gonna like die and stuff. I don't know why I like, I also saw the movie as a teenager. I think I went and I saw it with my dad and I remember like on the way out being like, I think I liked that. I don't know if I was supposed to, but I think I enjoyed it.
Wasn't there a guy who jacked off too much? Oh no, he was lifting weights with one arm. Yeah, one arm is bigger than the other.
That was like a thing. Yeah. This episode is just a gold mine. This is a gold mine for like cutting out Allie's audio and using it against her in the future. I just remembered one big arm. It's not that crazy to imagine how we got there. Yeah, so anyway, do we have any other thoughts before we throw it to the audience?
People are saying, I think it was again, just Jenny or whatever that Midsides of Dan, way too famous to be kidnapped and put on this island. Insane, how, I also just like, I am obviously making this up right now, but like most famous people have some semblance of a internet presence. I know some don't, but like many young people do, whether it's of their own volition or because they're like label is like, well, you have to be on TikTok because all, because they all are. And so like the idea that this guy would very likely beyond being famous be like about to go to an island, see all in three days, you know what I mean? And then like never come home. Like people are on TikToks are like detectives. They like solve true crime from watching TikToks. They'd be like, this guy went to this island on this day.
He was kidnapped. He was taken.
Do you know what I'm saying? Like people would have solved it. But the pharmacist acquired his passport. So checkmate. You can't, a pharmacist with a passport is no match for Gen Z. I fear them and I respect them. There's no way. Not for Midsides of Dan's fans.
That's what they should have done. They should have had BTS on that island and it's nuked within like three hours. But then the fans like a hundred percent, they would fight. If BTS was on that island, that movie would have ended with a helicopter landing and a bunch of teen girls running out and saving them. That's how that would have ended. And they would have all been hacked and it would have been amazing.
Yeah, sorry.
Any other thoughts before we throw it to the unwashed masses? Throw it.
All right, what do we got here? What do we got?
So we're getting a review of Triple X. Yes, we are. We're gonna do Vin Diesel week. I'm just kidding. No, we're not. And then same question from a different angle. Are we doing big? Oh, yeah. I love big. Also wait, wasn't Triple X the one that just came out? No. That was about them filming a porno, am I wrong? Think about Triple R. No, that's. Just X. Just X. It was great, by the way. I mean.
Getting all my stuff mixed up. It was a BB plus. It wasn't as good as people said it was. When Ally gets jealous, you definitely get screen. Talking about you. Was that me really being related to the Jolly Green Giant? Yep. Thank you.
So I was gonna say, that also just may be true because I've been, there's a joke, there's an old joke from 30 Rock that I really identify with where Liz Lemon says she can't wear green because it brings out her witchy undertones. And I most definitely have some green witchy undertones. So I really have never forgotten that joke.
And now neither will the 11 people who listen to this. Exactly. Have fun, 11 people. Metadrew, yeah, we already talked about this.
Yeah, for me, the cinematography, it's not even that it was so bad, it's just that it didn't serve the actors ever and they seem to be really struggling. It wasn't struggling. I mean like. It just felt like, like it was a beautiful place and there were some really cool shots, like especially when she was in the water, Thomas and McKinsey and like, there was lots of cool stuff like that, lots of cool overhead shots, but when it was, yeah, when it was that 70s showing.
Yes. Everybody. It's just like, they're all having to wait like.
I kind of, I would like to say that I admire the intent. Like I do think that like, you can't see a Shyamalan movie and not immediately know it was one of his movies. Like he really is like an auteur in that way. Like, and I do like respect that.
And I think that like he was really trying something with these long shots and like sort of filming things like a, oh God, what's the expression I'm looking for? Like were things that take place in the real, actual real time sort of cinema verite style or like these like really long shots. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know if anybody here is like a big old art house fan, but like sort of like going for like a Bellatar type like turn horse thing where it's like, it was only filmed at 11 shots. I don't know. Well, I think it's a time thing. I admire trying it. I just don't think it was as visually interesting as it should have been. I'm gonna, I would bet money right now that the, I wanna see the actual graphic novel. I bet there's a lot of, what are they called? Like long horizontal framing. What am I thinking of? Like landscape, like a lot of like landscape shots with like, with like the dialogue, like taking place across the entire page or whatever. I bet he saw that and was like, I'm gonna do that with a camera.
Well, and I think too, it's the fewer breaks allow it to feel like, oh wow, they're aging in real time so fast. Things are happening like he's freaking out because he's like, I'm never gonna get divorced and we have to run all the way over and she's already had a kid and it's already died and we have to run all the way over. So it's like, it's, I think it's just a way to heighten the like, the chaos of how quickly they're freaking aging.
Yeah. Doesn't mean the actors knew what the hell they were doing. So somebody mentioned Midnight Mass earlier and there's a really interesting shot in like the third episode or something where they're on a beach and there are like, like 5,000 dead cats or birds or both. I can't remember. And the sheriff is walking literally just up and down the beach and running into people and talking to people. And you don't even realize until about three minutes in that like, oh, we haven't cut this whole time. Yeah, that's cool. But it's so much better. It's the exact same type of shot. It's literally a beach where weird shits happened, but it's just engaging and it's interesting.
And you're constantly just like, why are there so many dead fricking birds or cats or whatever it was? I can't remember. Well, there's an island- I cannot wait to go back and be like, it was the donkeys. Like, what was Jordan on? Well, it's an island of cats. They have an island of cats, but they were dead birds. I don't remember.
It's great. Anything by Mike Flanagan, by the way? Talk about horror stuff. Yes, yes. Talk about horror auteurs, dude. Yes.
Everything that he does is amazing. Has he had a movie yet or no? He's done. He did Gerald's Game, which I have not seen. He did Doctor Sleep, which I have seen and I did like the sequel.
Was that a movie? Yes, it was a movie, yes.
I liked Doctor Sleep. I think he said a few other things. Anyway, Mike Flanagan's great.
Do people relate to the characters in this movie? No. I mean, I don't think you can relate to an archetype. I mean, I guess you kind of can. Like, not like in a real way. I'm a bit of a shapeless guy myself. Non-descript with no personality.
I'm always like climbing and falling from rocks. So I guess I identify with that girl movie. I have aged 50 years in the last, during this- Two years, now that, now that is relatable.
LocoMadman, how do their teeth not all rot and fall out? Great point. Can I say you was in the cocktail? They probably just figured out- Their hair should be growing. And their fixed teeth.
You know, it does seem like their body should be changing. Just in general, like they should be getting fatter. But that would be no fun. To be totally honest, it would be weird. I mean, unless they did it really well, but if they're like, yeah, you're getting fat, you're getting skinny and you're getting, then it could be interesting. Yeah, I mean, like, and also like they did like with the parents, be like, my hearing is getting worse, my eyesight's getting worse. It wasn't kind of believable in so far as like, if you were getting older, like you would need better glasses or whatever. But yeah, I guess it would be sort of weird to be like, you're holding more weight in your hip area. You must be post 30.
Yeah, that's true. Okay, great. That's true. Shut up. Exactly. Which would have been my real response. I'm just like, okay, and?
And your kid got pregnant. Good parenting. And then the baby died.
You're a terrible grandmother. Yeah, this is kind of the point we're making about mid-sized sedan, but it's just, the complexity required to make this a medical thing is truly bonkers. Wiping entire families off the internet from the members of the friends and family.
But wiping off, I sure hope so. Oh, they were back to the poop. Yeah, 320 pounds of poop. You're not gonna wipe that up with. You're not gonna wipe up that that fast.
Yeah, I agree. Pretty crazy. So also Irish lover points out that the vaccine must have been made on the Island resort because we got it in less than a year. So that's actually Trump. I think we have a new conspiracy theory for the internet. That's what Epstein's Island was. Oh my God, it was a vaccine island after all that.
Oh my God, we made a mistake. Okay, I made a mistake. We're sorry, sir. Thank you for your service. This is just a dangerous episode we're out of context moments.
We got a 75% on that birth canal theory. Cool. Again, I wasn't gonna write a thesis on it. I just want to present it as a possibility just in case somebody really identified with that. I don't know.
Irish lover points out that I'm a lumberjack like my father before me, which is what he's saying. Say that, I'm a lumberjack. I know how to cut that tumor out of her, his ax. Like my father before me, yeah. I have a tumor, I'm a tumor doctor.
Uh-oh. Thank God you're here. And I have a knife. All right, cool. I think that's all the main ones. Somebody else, oh yeah.
There was somebody else mentioned that Midnight Mass had some monologues where two characters talk about what they think heaven is like or about or something. And it's like, they each, it's a little bit goofy in some ways, but they each get like a 10 minute zoom, slow zoom. And then it just does the next one. I like that. And it's really long, but it's- I find stuff like that very interesting. Pretty great. Whether or not it's like super effective. I just rewatched season two of Fargo, which is like one of my favorite seasons of TV ever because the fiance was watching it. And so I was like, well, that means I'm watching it. And that show also like gives people just full on monologues. Sometimes it feels like honestly like very much like a play where it's like, somebody will just be like, I'm going to talk about America now. And then they'll just like have like a five minute slow zoom sort of one shot thing.
Or they'll be, I don't know, Patrick Wilson was reminiscing about being in Vietnam. I don't know.
Well, I mean- I think it's very interesting. That's just my point, I guess about the difference between M Night, presumably and Mike Flanagan is that Mike Flanagan is doing everything to highlight his actors. For example, actually, now that they think about it, in the sixth episode of freaking Haunting at Hill House, they do a that 70s shot where literally all the characters are fighting and the camera Unbroken Take spins in a circle and they age.
So like it's them arguing and they're all kids. When it gets back to them, they're adults. When it gets back to them, they're kids.
So it's like them arguing through time and it's amazing. It's incredible. Yeah, when stuff like this, honestly, there was sort of an effective version of that in this movie where the kids are in the tent and it's just like, they're like, it's just kind of their head and shoulder and like a little bit of their face. And then it's like, it's clear that they're getting older as they're talking, but it's like not like a corny split screen shot. And it's like, there are effective moments of the movie. There just aren't more effective moments than there are ineffective.
Yeah, anyway, I just, we should just watch a bunch of Mike Flanagan stuff. I just like that so far. It'd be fun. I'm all about watching Dr. Sleep or something.
Yeah, no, you're not allowed. I'm just kidding. No, come on.
I'll wear a jaunties hat like the woman in the movie. Come on. Let me wear a top hat.
That's part of this podcast is my crush. We have to watch the same movie every week, but we also are not allowed to watch whatever movies Jordan doesn't want us to watch. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, Jordan.
We talked over you. Is she your celebrity crush? You never ever talk about thinking actors are handsome or pretty or anything.
I find her very handsome. I find her quite handsome. She is. She's a very handsome woman.
She was great in Dune. Did you see Dune? I saw Dune. It's from, it's actually Mission Impossible Five where she was brought to my attention.
I was like, okay. There you go. Tom Cruise, get it. All right, let's do some titles, huh? Yeah, I actually have ones for once. All right, I'll start because mine will get us flagged. I had anti-vax Bahamas. That was it.
Actually, A Sexy Little Cove, I think is actually kind of- I think so too. That's really good. It's really good.
I had, I think the title that's up right now is Can You Believe I Found This Online? Because that's what she says. It's like, it's so funny when characters like, hey, did you know the backstory of how we're here?
I just wanted to throw that at you real quick so that we can't be- I think we should go even further. I think it should be full on just like spawn con.
I got some Travelocity. Yeah, $89 a day. It's crazy. All I had to do was tell them that I had a very specific illness and give my full medical history. It's nuts. The screening process was intense, but you know, you can't be those Travelocity prices.
All right, Allie, what do you got? Okay, here we go. Yep.
First, we've got Lady in the Water, parentheses getting really old and dying. Then we have signs, parentheses, of aging. Now, then we have the 60th sense.
And lastly, and finally, we have Adult Swim. I like Adult Swim a lot. That's awesome. That's all I got. You didn't like signs of aging? I liked it fine, but I like Adult Swim a whole lot.
Shoot, I should have done that. I should have gone through his filmography. I feel like an idiot.
Yeah, that's, well, that's what I did. And that's all I had. I was really looking for one for split for a while. And then I gave up. Yeah.
Glass, unbreakable. Unbreakable bones, because I have a calcium deficient.
Again, great intro.
Do you have any sort of calcium? I'll take the juice, the calcium bomb. I have a calcium deficiency.
My daughter won't, though.
So when they all show up at the beach, they all get specific cocktails or whatever to their preferences that are used to hide drugs. It'd be funny if she just got like a big ass glass of milk. They're like, this is for your specific preferences. She's like, oh, thank God.
My bones are so brittle. I have such brittle bones.
Yeah, this milk is a little spicy for me, but I'm not gonna question it. All right. That was my impersonation of the sports history. A woman. Really good. All right. Jess, what do you got for us? Okay.
I see old people.
And finally, ugh. That was it? Ugh. U-G-E, ugh. That's how you think you spell ugh? I would have said ugh. Oh, wait, what did I say? U-G-E. Yeah, I meant ugh. God, Jess, that was really messed up of you.
Excellent choices, as always. Alt-title, violation of the Nuremberg code. Good. Do I know what the Nuremberg code is?
I think that's the one where you can't- Oh, just the Opti-trial stuff? Oh, drug. Okay, testing it. Yeah, like don't experiment on people. Yeah, pretty good. Don't unwittingly give drugs to humans who don't want it.
I think of it more as the Nuremberg suggestions. The Nuremberg code.
Another thing we're gonna absolutely take out of context for you someday. What do you mean, that's the context? I meant it, baby. All right, so Russian nesting doll beach. Oh, that's more just, if we had gone with my original idea where we ended this movie like men. The guild of whatever. Sorry, I was trying to read the icon and I thought it was really cool. Now it's gone.
Beach blanket massacre. Very good, really enjoyed that. Senior beach party or senior beach trip. Awesome, really good. Senior beach trip party.
I guess I should say your names because some people listen to this on audio. JQXJQ, now everybody's gonna be looking for you because it's a nice title. Everyone's gonna be looking for you if you're on an island and you're famous.
Weekend, Irish lover says weekend at Pfizer R&D lab, which is sort of a reference to the thing that we were doing. Into, under the sea. And then. I like the multi-use of different question marks there.
Well, it's because Guy is something Hispanic. He speaks Spanish.
I'm glad that you didn't venture a little guess though. A sexy little guess.
I know he's played, he's played like a Cuban character a lot, I feel like. Yes, that is true.
But I do not know, but he's a very talented actor. He would not know it from this movie.
You wouldn't, he's the worst part. I mean, I would argue that he and the wife are the two worst actors in this movie. They're just so. They're really quite bad in this movie. And it's a shame, I think they are good actors, but they were the low points of the movie for me.
I'm just glad that Bryan Cranston was spared because I don't think my heart could handle it if he was acting poorly in anything. I think it would just ruin my whole life. I mean, I still think he'd probably pull it out, but I don't know. Oh, that's what I'm saying. But I just, I'm glad that he didn't get tricked into it.
Eternal Sunshine of the Aging Mind, not bad. Very good, very nice, very nice.
All titled, it was China, the stream dies. Okay, so that's it, I think. So I'm just gonna wrap us up before we say where we're from.
We're live streaming now, Thursday's at 4 p.m. I don't know what we're doing next week. We might be doing a crazy Sean Connery movie. We might be doing something good.
Never. Never, please subscribe to Crack Movie Club on YouTube, Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. And I have been pushing you to our stupid newsletter, but nobody's in charge of that anymore, so I wouldn't do that.
I would instead say that I'm adding a link where you can request movies of us. It's at the top of the live stream, but I'll also put it in the comments. So just send us your email and it would be in. It would be great to appreciate it, honestly.
Like it's, we spend a lot of time arguing about what we're gonna do. We all say- We do not get along. We do not get along.
Well, we all are like, let's watch Doctor Sleep. And Jordan's like, no. So, you know, if enough of you are like, you should watch Doctor Sleep, then Jordan can't do anything about it.
I run a tight ship here. And where can we find you all? Other than literally what it says, but there's an audio version of this too, so go. Sure, yes. You can find me on Twitter at Miss Alice Nutting, M-S-A-L-I-C-E-N-U-T-T-I-N-G. There's also a new episode of Gender Swap out, which I think is very funny.
There is a moment in it in which I scream exactly like Toad. It's true. I think I can let that be what sells you on going to watch it. It sold me. Brian put a little Toad hat on you and everything. Yeah, and you know, it wasn't on purpose, but sometimes when somebody reads you and you're like, and they're right, you just gotta be like, well, you're right. I do sound like Toad. Big Toad. That's right. Big Toad energy.
I always played as Toad when I played Super Smash Brothers or Mario Kart or anything like that, so I'm all about it. You didn't play Toad in Super Smash Brothers. Yeah, I meant to say Mario Kart, it just came out. But I played as, my Super Smash Brothers character is Pit. I don't know what game Pit comes from, but he's the little angel guy who goes, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah. Just so you know, that's what I play as.
I'm not wrong, I'm not wrong. I believe you. Yeah, we all love Pit for that reason.
Jesse, where can we find you? Find me on Twitter, at Eisman, E-I-S-E-M-A-N-N. There are also a couple of nice little cannons ball coming up soon that you probably wanna check out. I got an email while we were doing this for the next cannons ball, draft one. Hopefully it's not terrible like all your other ones. You can find me.
Damn. What? Somebody commented by the way that Ally is our best host now. Wow. On the frack YouTube channel. I'm sure it's because it's a toad thing, but you know. Yeah, yeah, she's actually fired now, so this will be the last time you're here. Yes.
Anyway, you can find me on the Twitters at the underscore J underscore breeding, and tomorrow at 1 p.m. Eastern, we are doing the season three finale of Your Brain Uncracked. There are multi-versus, there are robots, there's implied time travel, there's virtual reality, and none of it is as exciting as it sounds when I say it like that, but Roger might be in it for literally a second. Oh my God, we didn't have that one guy who usually comments about Roger needing to be here. I can't believe he's missing out on you telling him there will be Roger content. Roger content will come next week also. I'm really hopeful that I'm editing one right now, it's all filmed, should be out on Tuesday, unless it isn't, because my job's hard sometimes, so that's it.
I'm gonna go now. Watch crack, YouTube, or don't. No, don't. It's your life, and life is fleeting.
Make a sandcastle, play with your sister, not in a weird way. Yeah, not in a weird way. Just normal. Just normal building sandcastles for 30 plus years. Just normal way, just be normal.
And I'm gonna say goodbye. Oh my gosh, if I'm gonna hit the right castle. Bye. |
dropout | Bragging_About_Your_Ignorance | Man, they have been making some good superhero movies lately. How do you feel about Tom Holland and Spider-Man? I've actually never seen any Spider-Man movies. Well, the new ones are great. Tom Holland is so fun.
I can't wait to see what he does next. I'm not even familiar with the characters or the basic plot. I thought he was amazing in Avengers Infinity War and Endgame. The Avengers? I don't know anything about them. I thought he really held his own so great against all those heavy hitters. Captain America?
Nobody said that. It's like when people talk about him, I'm just like, who even is that? I wouldn't know because I've never seen anything with him. Yeah, Kitty, we know you're not familiar with the Avengers or Spider-Man. You love to talk about it. I don't think I've ever talked about this before, actually.
You definitely do, and it's not impressive. A lot of people don't watch these movies. It doesn't matter. The thing about it is that if everyone likes something, that means that it is both dumb and bad. No, that's absolutely not true. And thus, I have better taste and am more of an intellect because I have chosen to not participate in extremely popular cultural phenomena.
No, it just makes you annoying to talk to because you're so proud of not knowing things. For instance, if someone references Game of Thrones, I literally have to go to a computer and look up what they're talking about. We know. It's because you've- Never seen any of it. It's true I am completely ignorant. I can't even talk during conversations about things.
You're talking right now. You're interrupting right now. You're talking about it. You've been interrupting us this whole time. You brought it up. And by the way, that show already in.
Oh my God, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. Lily, did you say Harry Potter?
No. No, you did. I didn't cut her off. You cut her off. No.
And you said Harry Potter. You said Harry Potter. You were trying to talk about Harry Potter.
I actually don't even want to talk about that. Here's what I think the plot is. A kid with glasses has to fight some snake-looking dude using magic? Really? That's all you know about Harry Potter? You've never heard of the sorting hat. Nope. Dumbledore. Hermione. I freaking wish.
What about the four houses? Do you mean like shelters or places of residence? Because yes, I've heard of houses, Raphael.
I'm not an idiot. Oh, come on. I mean, I know pop culture, but I certainly know what a house is. Come on.
Everybody knows about Harry Potter. It's constantly referenced.
You would have had to not gone outside your house for the last two decades to not know anything. I'm sorry. I guess I don't. I guess I'm a big disappointment because I don't know a damn thing.
All right. You know what? Let's just talk about something else. Great. I would love to. Oh!
Did you guys see the game on Sunday? What game are we talking about? Is it, I don't know, sports ball? Something like that. I don't know the first thing about sports. Is football the one that takes place in swimming pools?
What are you even getting out of this? I don't know what you mean. Why are you so damn proud of your ignorance? I'm not! Oh, really?
Shut up! Just shut up!
Tell us why you're like me! Why do you keep doing this to us? Get the hell off me! Before I kick you. Do you want to know why I'm like this?
Yeah! I refuse to participate in your lowbrow nonsense until the two of you participate in the thing that I like. And what the hell is that? It's the Dash Robertson visits the White House trilogy written by Meredith Sharks. There! Are you happy now? What even is that? I'm not familiar with this?
No! No one is.
These are the finest books I have ever come across. Each one is over a thousand pages long. You definitely need to be looking up every other word in a dictionary. It's very hard to understand. You guys get into these bad boys and then we'll talk about what you like.
You'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live on the Dropout Discord. And exclusive content such as full episodes of my big girl show The Rank Room.
Invisible identical twins. What's your question? How do you know they're identical? If they're invisible.
Sign up for your free trial today. Okay, I'm all done. I want my mom now. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Errol_Parker_Flies_Solo_Due_to_Mt_Isa_Rodeo | Hello and welcome to the Betooter Advocates Weekly News Bulletin. My name is Errol Parker and joining me here today is nobody. Yes, I'm all alone in the studio today because everyone else has gone to the Mount Isa Rodeo and I drew the shortest straw and I care about animals. So this week I'm going to do something a bit different. I'm going to basically give you an update of what's been going on around town here in Betooter and indeed our newsroom.
But to kick things off, yes, as I said at the top of the bulletin, most of the newsroom is in Mount Isa this weekend for the rodeo. So if you're heading up there, make sure to say hi and be there for when Clancy takes on Fred Brophy's best when the sun goes down at the Fred Brophy boxing tent. It's actually a little known fact about Clancy that following a horrific knee injury in the 1970 Grand Final against the Kannamala Rams, he joined Jimmy Sharman's boxing tent troop under the name Danson Clancy Overall and boxed some of Western Queensland's finest vagrants and overconfident jackaroos for well over a decade. So if you see Clancy in Mount Isa this weekend, make sure to wish him luck from all of us here back in Betooter. And the team will be roaming all over the rodeo all weekend. So if you're up there, you're probably going to run into him saying hi.
But closer to home this week, Wendell was left rattled on Wednesday after he swerved to avoid hitting an emu and put his beloved 2013 Holden Volt on its roof in the table drain outside the Lomrigans place on Percy Graner Drive. It was a devastating loss for a lot of people in town who are, you know, fans of motorcars and for Wendell probably most and foremost because the Holden Volt was and still is the only Australian made electric vehicle.
And there's only a few thousand of them.
And yesterday I was out there with Wendell on Percy Graner Drive picking up some of the 6,000 AA batteries that spilled out of the car's boot during the accident. Yeah, look, at the end of the day, I'm just glad that Wendell's okay.
And as some of you listening now only listen to our podcast, it's the only way you interact with our own paper, only way you interact with our esteemed conservative Western Queensland-style journalism, you might not know that we do have a shop attached to the paper. It's called Betooter Outfitters and you can find that by going to shop. betooteroutfit.com.
And this week we're having a sale on hats because winter as a concept and a season is now over in this country so it's time to make sure that you're prepared for the hellish summer to come. Now is the time to buy that air purifier. The continent will be on fire again in no time and breathing smoke is no good within reason. Of course there are good smokes you can breathe in.
Bill Clinton certainly does not know about that.
But, you know, if I were you I would be buying an air purifier right now. And if you're that way inclined, now is the time to cave in to Mark Taylor's repeated demands to get air conditioning.
But if you live in the real world and can't afford such witchcraft, a hat is the next best thing. So this weekend you can get 10% off all of our Betooter Outfitters style hats to make sure your forehead and eye sockets don't get burned this summer. We recommend you pair those hats with sunscreen and long sleeves because getting burnt is not cool.
Anything that British backpackers do is not cool.
And because you're coming there from the podcast you'll have to put the code word in manually.
And head over to shop.betooteroutfit.com Alright so now I'm going to read you the three most popular articles from the Betooter Outfitters this week by the metric of Facebook and Instagram likes.
First up we have a story by our cadet Wendell Hussey with the headline equally paid US women's national team perform equally as shit as their men's team. The United States football team has today reaffirmed its commitment to gender equality by making a strong statement at the FIFA World Cup. Their women's team has this week followed in the footsteps of their male counterparts by packing their bags and exiting the tournament in the round of 16. The huge statement comes a year after the US playing group famously negotiated an equal pay agreement which saw the female players paid the same amount as the men for national duty. The outcome was achieved by both the male and the female playing groups agreeing to pull together things like World Cup prize money and fighting that pool equally amongst all the players. That landmark agreement stirred up the neckbeards and the casual misogynists who refused to acknowledge that the agreement was driven by the men's team as well as the women's team. While it continues to make people on the internet salty to this day it was hoped by many athletes and aspiring athletes that the agreement would be replaced around the world allowing 50% of the population a chance to play sport at a professional level. Although the activism from the US women's team has had an overwhelmingly positive impact on the sport, meaning only a handful of teams now have to crowdfund or pay their own way in a tournament that has sold nearly 2 million tickets and generated billions of views, it has unfortunately meant that the US women's team has regressed back to the quality of their men's team. After winning the last two World Cups for their nation, the unpatriotic American-hating women's team were bundled out in penalties against Sweden last week, perfectly scripted for the blokes who hate the idea of women playing sport and weren't watching anyway.
Talismanic figure Megan Rapioni skied her penalty. That was despite playing like 30 minutes across the whole tournament, that was enough for people who don't watch the game but have a vested interest in it to blame her entirely for the US loss. The fallout has since been as expected with people claiming the loss was a result of woke ideals of Nazis and man-slash-woman haters like Rapioni, not the fact they played like the third-ranked team in a tournament where the standard of football was lifted significantly across the board. Regardless of the internet fallout, the result has been hailed as a symbolic one for equality.
More to come. Well, that was quite the essay from sports-loving, sports-mad Wendell Hussey. And moving on to our second most popular story this week, this one is one written by our editor Clancy Overall with the headline, says bloke who gives skate parks a wide berth. Yes, this one might be a bit autobiographical for Clancy here, but we'll jump on in and start the article. A charismatic swagman reckons he'd love to jump in the Fred Brophy boxing tent. That's just one of his fifth schooner confessions anyway.
Batuda Grove flight hostee Toby Milgu says the great Australian pastime of trying your luck against some of the best fighters in the bush is something that appeals to him, and given the opportunity, he'd like to partake. Toby is of course talking about the western Queensland icon that is Fred Brophy, a man who was widely considered as the world's last tent boxing showman. Brophy continues to travel with his troop across Queensland each year, pulling into towns and setting up a tent before banging a drum asking local blokes to step right up and have a go at one of his fighters. The sport of tent boxing was banned in New South Wales, Victoria, Western Australia and South Australia in 1971 by the government due to health concerns, but the free state of Queensland continues in this beloved tradition. Brophy's boxing tent makes appearances at the Mount Isa rodeo, the Birdsville races and countless other towns and suburbs in between. He travels the country with his stable of the hardest men in the land. Very few of the citizens that step up have much luck against Brophy's fighters, whether they be ringers, miners, tradies or road workers.
However, for some ridiculous reason, an 81 kilo aviation worker sitting in the front bar of the Lord Kidman Hotel in Batuda reckons he'd like to give it a go. And Toby spoke to the advocate in the front bar of the Lord Kidman Hotel this week to give us his thoughts.
He said, Yeah, I'd love to give Brophy's tent a whirl. I mean, those blokes can't be that fit, can they?
And then the entire front bar went quiet.
You should have seen it.
They were all staring at this bloke, Toby, and wondering what was the next delusional thing to come out of his mount. And then Toby's younger brother Clyde, who was also there, he said, Mate, you give skate parks a wide berth. You get spooked by teenagers in TNs.
You are not giving the Brophy tent a whirl. And even the publican agreed.
He said, Can we get a tall glass of water and some chips over here? I'm ordering this bloke a cab home. He's pissed.
Yes, and that was another delightful vignette from the front bar of the Lord Kidman Hotel. A great place to be. And finally, our third most popular article this week.
And this story, written by me, Errol Parker, had the headline, Jaded Divorced 45-Year-Old Sales Manager Hates Everyone and Everything Except for Tizm. In a modern world often marked by delusionment and weariness, music has the remarkable power to ignite emotions and kindle connections. For one Battuta Heights 45-year-old manager who has weathered life storms, the music of Tizm has emerged as an unexpected lifeline amidst this general discontent and cynicism. Having endured a divorce and the relentless grind of corporate life, Shearwater signage sales manager Ben Daley found himself growing increasingly jaded, harbouring a general disdain for people and the world around him. Yet, within this sea of negativity, there existed a musical beacon of light, Tizm, or This is Serious Mum.
The Australian alternative rock bands, irreverent and laconic lyrics, coupled with catchy tunes, provided an escape from the monotony of Ben's existence. The satirical and often tongue-in-cheek nature of their songs allowed him to channel his frustrations into a shared experience. Tracks like Greg the Stop Sign and Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me resonated deeply, providing an avenue to express his cynicism in a cathartic and humorous way.
And while Mr Daley's affinity for Tizm might appear paradoxical, it underscores the power that music has to touch our souls in unexpected ways. As he embraced Tizm's music, Mr Daley found himself gradually opening up to new perspectives. The band's quirky and unabashed style introduced an element of playfulness into his otherwise fuck-you outlook. This transformation extended beyond his musical preferences, fostering a new sense of curiosity about the world and its inhabitants. In a world where cynicism and disenchantment can become all-consuming, Mr Daley's unlikely alliance with Tizm demonstrates that art in its myriad forms can challenge, provoke and ultimately heal. His unconventional affection for Tizm stands as a testament to the profound impact music can have on the human spirit, offering solace to even the most jaded of souls.
More to come. And that mercifully is the end of the weekly bulletin. My name is Errol Parker. Thank you for listening. And if you liked this episode, please drop me a line at errol at patooteradvocate.com and let me know your thoughts. Until next week, hopefully I'll have some more people here.
As per Tutor Heights' 45-year-old manager who has weathered life's storms, the music of Tizm has emerged as an unexpected lifeline amidst this general discontent and cynicism. Having endured a divorce and the relentless grind of corporate life, Shearwater Signage sales manager Ben Daley found himself growing increasingly jaded, harbouring a general disdain for people and the world around him. Yet, within this sea of negativity, there existed a musical beacon of light, eism, or This Is Serious, Mum. The Australian alternative rock band's irreverent and laconic lyrics, coupled with catchy tunes, provided an escape from the monotony of Ben's existence. The satirical and often tongue-in-cheek nature of their songs allowed him to channel his frustrations into a shared experience. Tracks like Greg The Stop Sign and Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me resonated deeply, providing an avenue to express his cynicism in a cathartic and humorous way.
And while Mr Daley's affinity for Tizm might appear paradoxical, it underscores the power that music has to touch our souls in unexpected ways. As he embraced Tizm's music, Mr Daley found himself gradually opening up to new perspectives. The band's quirky and unabashed style introduced an element of playfulness into his otherwise fuck-you outlook. This transformation extended beyond his musical preferences, fostering a new sense of curiosity about the world and its inhabitants. In a world where cynicism and disenchantment can become all-consuming, Mr Daley's unlikely alliance with Tizm demonstrates that art, in its myriad forms, can challenge, provoke, and ultimately heal. His unconventional affection for Tizm stands as a testament to the profound impact music can have on the human spirit, offering solace to even the most jaded of souls.
More to come. And that, mercifully, is the end of the Weekly Bulletin. My name is Errol Parker. Thank you for listening. And if you liked this episode, please drop me a line at errol at patooteradvocate.com and let me know your thoughts. Until next week, hopefully I'll have some more people here. Thank you. |
dropout | katie_and_her_boyfriend_talk_relationship_advice_live_part_2 | Oh, the matrix, I'm not ready for the matrix, babe. Babe, I'm not ready.
Oh, we're in, we're in. Hi, guys. Hey, everybody. We're back. Brad's back.
We had some difficulties. So just to go back, can we? Let's go up a little bit. Just to remind you what we're doing, we're doing relationship advice. We're a couple, we're spicy, we're in love, we're passionate, and we're here to give you some advice for any questions. Yes. And as you missed before, we were talking about some key components of a successful relationship. Mostly having fun, honesty, gratitude, make time for each other, which is huge. So important, I cannot stress that enough.
I think it is time for questions. Hopefully the break allowed you to come up with some good ones. Here's a question from Nadia. What is the best couples tattoo? That is a great question. Great question.
Because being a couple is about doing things as a couple and just forcing the idea of forever into your budding, new, fresh relationship. Yes, so personally, I love promised rings. I love promised rings. I think they're very special, and you only give them to that special someone you can see yourself with. So I think for me, the perfect couples tattoo would be a tattoo of a promised ring, and it's forever.
I think that's sweet, I think that's sweet, but I don't think it's adventurous, you know? My perfect idea, it's an octopus that's split directly down the middle, that when you stand side by side, and they look at your front, it's a big old octopus. So we would have to not have shirts on. No, we would have to be completely nude, we'd have to be ourselves, we'd have to be vulnerable. That is beautiful. That's perfect, and it's only to be enjoyed in the company of loving. And friends. Yes, and maybe if your mom or dad walks in on you. Or if you're at a nudist beach, then that'd be a great time to show off your couples tattoo.
When I've been trying to get Katie, little Katie here, little tiny Beanie, my little Beanie, trying to get my little Beanie, my long-lanched Beanie, I've been trying to get her to a nude beach for quite some time. And I refuse. She will not go. My body is a temple. I've tricked her multiple times, going to a beach, and she just goes, takes a car, leaves me to think about what I've done.
Yes, but we don't fight. No, no, it wasn't a fight. That's the key thing. If you want a successful relationship, never fight. And if it seems like you're fighting, figure out how to logistically make it be not a fight.
She just left me to think about what I had done. It wasn't a fight. She wasn't mad. It wasn't at all. Was she angry? It wasn't a fight.
Excellent, we have another question here from Mr. Joey Martinez. I went to high school with a lot of Joey Martinez's. Really? Multiple. Wow. Did you go, if the person who wrote this could please respond if you went to high school with Brad, that'd be great. What year did you graduate? Yeah.
Excellent, so where did you meet? We met online.
Look, guys, and I'm only talking to the guys here. So ladies, plug them up. Okay. You know how it is, being a guy. Yeah. I have desires. Yeah.
One, let me tell you, I was rock hard and I needed some love, but I thought what I needed was just to get a nut. But what I needed was love, and that love is Katie's love. And it's sweet. And it's Cinnabuns in the morning and it's Christmas every day. Yeah, that was beautiful.
I love you. I'm gonna say, I love you. I love you.
Excellent, we've got Hilda Say 101 asks, what makes a relationship excellent? Extra-terrestrial connection. Yes. That's how you make it excellent. We both have multi-dimensional therapists and we will go see them once a week, Saturday mornings. Separately and then together. Yes, so in total it's about five hours of meeting with our therapist and we really commune with aliens and other life forms and. They come into our world. And they influence our relationship in a positive way.
You know, a lot of people are telling them no, we don't want to believe. But why not hear some advice from a guy who's seen more than we ever said, get in. Get in to our relationship. Teach me a lesson, brother.
And it really works and I recommend it for everyone. You know, some people, it seems like you're just talking to an empty room. No, there's a beam of light there. It's inter-dimensional and it's my therapist and his name's Yak.
Yes, Yak, we love you. Yeah, thank you so much, brother. Excellent. Okay, do we have any more questions? Ah, very good.
Now this name is a name that I've never heard before. I do not know it as a single English name, but it's Technogamers. Now I'm wondering, is this a man or a woman? Techno. Is that a boy's name or a girl's name? I'm a boy and so anytime there's a stranger, I automatically assume that they are a boy because that is my bias.
Okay. The question is, what is the secret to finding the one? This is a question people have been asking for a long time. They've been searching for an answer. We got it. Yeah, here's the thing.
Brad and I have both been in a number of relationships. 30, 40, 50, who's counting? Yes, and I have been in one other one. So we both have a lot of experience and I think it's more about figuring out who's not the one. It's like getting rid of those losers and bringing in the one that you wanna be with.
Absolutely, you go to Baskin Robbins and you try some flavors and you're not trying to find a flavor that you're gonna eat. You're trying to find a flavor you don't like and then you go back and you get your cookie dough every time. Yes, that's what happens.
It's my cookie dough.
Let me break your fingers. Ow! I'm gonna break your fingers. Ow! I'll pull it out of the socket and I'll reset it.
Oh, that's an inside joke. It's a thing we do. I just love to pop bones. Yeah. I'm a bone popper. He is. He's my little bone popper.
Excellent, wow, we have a lot of questions. A lot of questions.
This is great, this is great. Oh, Alyssa Bauer, Alyssa Bauer.
Hi Alyssa, she asks, how do I know if he is serious? Man, is he playing games? Alyssa, is he playing games with you?
Yeah. You gotta knock that off. Honey, I have to say, if you're asking this question, you already know the answer.
He's playing games. He's not serious. Get out!
Life is easy when you make it what? Easy. Absolutely. Life is easy when you make it easy.
I'd say the next time he calls, say, bye. Goodbye. And then he might go, why did she say goodbye?
Oh, I do care about her. Oh no. Yes, and suddenly he's in the picture. And then he's back in and you've got the power. Yes. I'm all about power and bones. Excellent. Wow, we have. Ooh, I got, I got. I like this sound. These are good questions. This next one here. From Gamzee Rimmer. Another guy I went to high school with. Really? Absolutely.
He says, I want to ask my crush. Any advice? What's the most ideal way you'd like to be asked out?
Me? Yeah. Sentence scenario.
I guess I would like to, I guess I would like a boy, if I were being asked out, maybe in like food form. I feel like food is, food is so fun. You know, there's so many different types of foods. It could be a great way to like ask someone out, like say you make a cake and then you frost the cake. And then you put little candies on the top that say like, would you go out with me? That could be very adorable.
So you like original messages. I like original messages. I like food.
Why not combine the two? No, that's beautiful. What about you? How do you want to be asked out?
I want to be almost drowned. I want to be taken captive. I want to be almost drowned. And I want the person to resuscitate me in the first gasp that you have when you cough up all that water.
That, I will, because you saved me and I'm in love with you now. That's my ideal. Wow. That's my ideal. That's amazing. All right.
I'm sorry, coughing up a bird over here.
You know, this is as close as it gets to a fight with us. Because we just can't agree on television, you know? No.
I want to watch the WCW. I want to see some rough and tumble boys get their backs smacked. A lot of lithium bulbs bleeding. She wants to watch.
I love Grey's Anatomy. I don't get it. I do not get it. I love it.
You're never going to be a doctor. Why are you watching doctors, you know? I could be a doctor if I wanted to.
You could. And I don't want to take that away from you. Thank you. But you're not.
I'm not currently a doctor. And you never said that you wanted to. I'm not currently a doctor. Truth. But I could be a doctor. Is this you telling me that you want to be a doctor? I feel like sometimes, if I'm really asking myself, like, what is my dream, I would think, like, it could be being a doctor.
Let's make that dream happen. I'm going to make that dream happen for you. I'm going to go to the hospital. I'm going to tell everybody what you are, and then you're that.
Yes. That's so sweet. Excellent.
Do we have time for another? Should we do? Yeah, well, according to my wrist, I got plenty of time.
OK, smiling x-ax, what habits do each of you have that the other hate about? I'm going to plug my ears, and I'm going to let her speak freely. What habits do I have? OK. You tell them what you're telling them what you hate about yourself or anything. About you. So I'm going to assume the question is, what habits do I hate that he has?
So Brad, well, occasionally, let me tell you, I love Brad. He's perfect. I love you, I love you, too.
Can you hear me? No. You speak, you speak. I was reading your lips. Oh, it's you. OK.
OK, so occasionally, I will come in, and he will be chewing on his toenails. He's extremely flexible, which is really remarkable, actually. And he will have folded into sort of a pretzel with his foot literally in his mouth, eating his toenails. And I'd say that's a habit that I think it's cute, but I could live without it.
I'm sure it was complete. I'm sure I'm flawless.
What about me? I'll go and plug your ears. Katie won't eat milk with her cereal, and I hate it.
It's actually really messed up. It's really jacked up.
More than I think about it, Katie only eats dry foods. She orders an enchilada. There's no sauce on it. Tacos dry. We're keeping it all dry. She won't even put a glaze on her donut. She likes it really dry. I've actually seen her wipe her tongue with a paper towel before just to dry her mouth out.
Other than that, I love her. She's my peach. She's my little peach. She's my little bean bean.
All right. That was great. You went off for a long time.
Yeah, I only said nothing. I said nothing. Nobody heard anything.
Excellent. Well, I think that's all the time we've got.
I'm going to go get a tattoo on my head. I'm going to get a spider web just driving across here. It's got a hot spider web.
Excellent. And I'm going to go back to work. So thank you. Bye. Thanks, everybody. Live love and heartfelt.
Yeah. He's not serious. Get out.
Life is easy when you make it what? Easy. Absolutely. Life is easy when you make it easy.
I'd say the next time he calls, say, bye. Goodbye. And then he might go, why didn't you say goodbye?
Oh, I do care about her. Oh, no. Yes, and suddenly he's in the picture. And then he's back in, and you've got the power. Yes. I'm all about power and bones. Excellent. Wow, we have. Ooh, I got it. I like this. These are good questions. This is the next one here. From Gamsey Rimmer, another guy I went to high school with. Really? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. He says, I want to ask my crush any advice. What's the most ideal way you'd like to be asked out? Me? Yeah.
Sentence scenario.
I guess I would like to, I guess I would like a boy, if I were being asked out, maybe in food form. I feel like food is so fun. There's so many different types of foods. It could be a great way to ask someone out. Say you make a cake, and then you frost the cake. And then you put little candies on the top that say, would you go out with me? That could be very adorable.
So you like original messages. I like original messages. I like food.
Why not combine the two? No, that's beautiful. What about you? How do you want to be asked out?
I want to be almost drowned. I want to be taken captive. I want to be almost drowned. And I want the person to resuscitate me in the first gasp that you have when you cough up all that water.
Yeah, I will, because you saved me. And I'm in love with you now. That's my ideal. Wow. That's my ideal. That's amazing. All right.
I'm sorry, coughing up a bird over here. Ooh, Jolly Ranchers XX.
What's your favorite couple activity? We love board games. Next question. Sean Scrantz. What's your favorite Netflix show to watch together? You know, this is as close as it gets to a fight with us. Because we just can't agree on television, you know?
I want to watch the WCW. I want to see some rough and tumble boys get their backs smacked on lithium bulbs bleeding. She wants to watch.
I love Grey's Anatomy. I don't get it. I do not get it. I love it.
You're never going to be a doctor. You're watching doctors, you know? I could be a doctor if I wanted to.
You could. And I don't want to take that away from you. Thank you.
But you're not. I'm not currently a doctor. And you never said that you wanted to. I'm not currently a doctor. Truth.
But I could be a doctor. Is this you telling me that you want to be a doctor? Being a doctor. I feel like sometimes, if I'm really asking myself, like, what is my dream? I would think, like, it could be being a doctor.
Let's make that dream happen. I'm going to make that dream happen for you. I'm going to go to the hospital. I'm going to tell everybody what you are, and then you're that.
Yes. That's so sweet. Excellent. Do we have time for another? Should we do? Yeah, well, according to my wrist, I got plenty of time. OK. Smiling XX.
What habits do each of you have that the other hate about? I'm going to blood my ears, and I'm going to let her speak freely. What habits do I have? OK. You're telling them what you're telling them what? I know. I'm thinking. You hate about yourself or me? About you. So I'm going to assume the question is, what habits do I hate that he has?
So Brad will occasionally, let me tell you, I love Brad. He's perfect. I love you too.
Can you hear me? No. You speak. I was reading your lips. You speak. I was reading your lips.
OK.
OK, so occasionally, I will come in, and he will be chewing on his toenails. He's extremely flexible, which is really remarkable, actually. And he will have folded into a pretzel with his foot literally in his mouth, eating his toenails. And I'd say that's a habit that I think it's cute, but I could live without it.
I'm sure it was complete. I'm sure I'm flawless.
What about me? Go ahead and plug your ears. Katie won't eat milk with her cereal, and I hate it.
That's my ideal. Wow. That's my ideal. That's amazing.
All right. I'm sorry, coughing up a bird over here. Ooh, Jolly Ranchers XX.
What's your favorite couple activity? We love board games. Next question. Sean Scrantz, what's your favorite Netflix show to watch together?
You know, this is as close as it gets to a fight with us, because we just can't agree on television. I want to watch the WCW. I want to see some rough and tumble boys get their backs smacked on lithium bulbs bleeding. She wants to watch.
I love Grey's Anatomy. I don't get it. I do not get it. I love it.
You're never going to be a doctor. Why are you watching doctors? I could be a doctor if I wanted to.
You could.
And I don't want to take that away from you. But you're not. I'm not currently a doctor. You never said that you wanted to. I'm not currently a doctor. Truth.
But I could be a doctor. Is this you telling me that you want to be a doctor? Make a doctor? I feel like sometimes, if I'm really asking myself, what is my dream, I would think it could be being a doctor.
Let's make that dream happen. I'm going to make that dream happen for you. I'm going to go to the hospital. I'm going to tell everybody what you are, and then you're that.
Yes. That's so sweet. Excellent.
Do we have time for another? Should we do? Yeah, well, according to my wrist, I got plenty of time.
OK, smilingxx, what habits do each of you have that the other hate about? I'm going to plug my ears, and I'm going to let her speak freely. What habits do I have? OK. You're telling them what you're telling them what? I know. I'm thinking. You hate about yourself, for me. About you. So I'm going to assume the question is, what habits do I hate that he has?
So Brad, well, occasionally, let me tell you, I love Brad. He's perfect. I love you, I love you too.
Can you hear me? No. You speak, you speak. I was reading your lips. Oh, it's you. OK.
So occasionally, I will come in, and he will be chewing on his toenails. He's extremely flexible, which is really remarkable, actually. And he will have folded into sort of a pretzel with his foot literally in his mouth, eating his toenails. And I'd say that's a habit that I think it's cute, but I could live without it.
I'm sure it was complete. I'm sure I'm flawless.
What about me? Go ahead and plug your ears.
Katie won't eat milk with her cereal, and I hate it. She orders an enchilada. There's no sauce on it. Tacos dry, we're keeping it all dry. She won't even put a glaze on her donut. She likes it really dry. I've actually seen her wipe her tongue with a paper towel before just to dry her mouth out.
Other than that, I love her. She's my peach. She's my little peach. She's my little bean bean.
All right. That was great. You went off for a long time.
Yeah, I only said nothing. I said nothing. Nobody heard anything.
Excellent. Well, I think that's all the time we've got.
I got to go get a tattoo on my head. I'm going to get a spider web just driving across here. It's got a hot spider web.
Excellent. And I'm going to go back to work. So thank you. Bye. Thanks, everybody. Live love and heartfelt. Yeah.
You know, she orders an enchilada. There's no sauce on it. You know, tacos dry. We're keeping it all dry. She won't even put a glaze on her donut. She likes it really dry. I've actually seen her wipe her tongue with a paper towel before just to dry her mouth out.
Other than that, I love her. She's my peach. She's my little peach. She's my little bean bean.
All right. That was great. You went off for a long time.
Yeah, I only said nothing. I said nothing. Nobody heard anything.
Excellent. Well, I think that's all the time we've got.
I got to go get a tattoo on my head. I'm going to get a spider web just driving across here. It's got a hot spider web.
Excellent. And I'm going to go back to work. So thank you. Bye. Thanks, everybody. Live love and heartfelt. Yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | gumby_broadway_gumby_rose_snl | Two Corn, maple, and Rinds.
Then there was a time in 1927 that the great Adolf K. Musselman, Theatrical producer extraordinaire, came to me during a curtain call for the show that I had written entitled Waste Coat Willy. And he said to me at that time, Irving, I Need, And before I could let him even finish, I was at the piano with a new ending song for Act three, and it went something like this.: Give me a C, a bouncy C. Waste Coat Willy, He was a heck of a guy. he walked into a room, he stood all this high, and every time he put on the waste coat, the women would swoon because it was a really nice coat, da, da, da, D, D, D, D, whatever the hell else you want to put in there. Irving, if I have to sit here and listen to you tell me how you wrote that song one more time, I'm going to have a sandwich delivered to your grave because I'm going to kill you if I hear that story one more time. What story? He's telling the Waste Coat Willy story. Waste Coat Willy? the song Irving wrote for the show Waste Coat Willy? Waste Coat Willy? I always liked that song. how did that go, Irving?
No, don't, don't, don't get him started. No, but you see, Mort, that's the whole point of the story type thing.
You see, it wasn't a song that the great Adolf K. Musselman requested from me. it was a sandwich. Waste Coat Willy was a sandwich? Adolf Musselman was a sandwich. You don't call the great Adolf K. Musselman a sandwich. the man was a genius. the man was a saint. the man was not a sandwich.
Who?
The point is that he was trying to say to me that he was hungry, not for a song, for lunch. I always hated that story, and now I hate it even more. you're a little bastard. I'm going to do it at 6 p.m. to 6 p.m. in the park. that's where you're telling me what to do. I don't know who it is. imagine him telling me where I can park and where I cannot park. I'm Gumby, damn it. you don't talk to me that way. Yeah. you're the earlier they think they are.
Oh, this is great. the man with the golf club heads. nice to see you, Gumby. you know, it's real good to see my old friends here back in the heart of U.s.a. showbiz land. You know where I've been for the past couple of months? in Nashville, Tennessee, recording 15 second commercials for a fish franchise. I am a star, Ok? I am a legend. I am not a fish salesman. it's nice to see you come down in the void, huh?
Hey, Luke Goldman, you know, a guy like you should choke on his own mucus. Gumby, I have coughed up more interesting things than you. I say, we're just not jokes. I think we're dead. Boys, boys, let's not bicker. let's not quibble. let's not ting with the insults and the stuff in the throat. Ivy, Ivy, Ivy, shut up. Ok, please. you're a senile old fart, all right?
But it's nice to see you. Incidentally, who's this guy here? you don't remember me? 1939 at the Pantage Mistheatre.
Pickles on Parade for the opening of that show. Pickles on Parade? What the hell is Pickles on Parade?
Who is this guy? you don't know me, I'm Mark Schmegman, gambling. Marty Schmegman.
Who gives a hell? let's eat something. You know how long it's been since I had a Maury Amsterdam sandwich? it's been a long time. You can't get that in Nashville. if you want a Maury Amsterdam sandwich in Nashville, Tennessee, a big guy wearing a white sheet will come out of the back room with a baseball bat. that's what comes out of the kitchen.
Hey, waiter, waiter, make it snappy. I don't have all day, all right? Waiter, waiter!
Oh, my old friend, Gandhi. how are you? Yeah, nice to see you again. that'll be $17.27. what the hell are you talking about? I haven't even ordered anything yet. $17.27 for what? $17.27 for the last time you were in here and ran out without paying for a sandwich. November 6, 1958, 5.30 pm, Tuesday. Wait a second, smart guy. that wasn't me. Oh, no, there was some other green Jew. well, me. Oh, look, I have a Maury Amsterdam. Go, Go. get me a sandwich. sure you will. after the $17.27. Ok, you're right. Listen, all right, Adam, I'm a little short on cash. Why don't you pay the man, Schmecke? don't do it, Mort. do it, Mort, for old time's sake. you are very nostalgic with other people's money. this is from my old friend, Gandhi. the man who saw me in that play called Pikmin's on Parade. here, you can keep the change, Lick. thank you.
Now, look, Smarty Pants, go get me a Maury Amsterdam sandwich. a What? what are you, Death? a Maury Amsterdam! a Maury Amsterdam, you idiot! What the hell's a Maury Amsterdam? What do you mean, what's a Maury Amsterdam? Is this not Lishman's Deli? No, no, you spatula head. the graveyard for old erasers. Look, I've been here for 27 years. never once has anyone come in and ordered a sandwich named after a cello player on the old Dick Van Dyke show. So pardon my amazement. a Maury Amsterdam is banana, onion, and something else.
And it with the relish. I'm not going to see you. No, that's wrong. that's the Covid Monica sandwich. a Maury Amsterdam is what we used to call a herring melt. used to take the marchers' herring, fine herring, and you melt it with the Swiss. my mouth is watering. so is mine. I'm schmutzing. And then that goes on the dark bread. no, you know, no, no, it's wrong again. I'm dying. No, you're not dying. And you're wrong about the Maury Amsterdam sandwich. To make a good Maury Amsterdam sandwich. give me a C, a bouncy C. you take a lot of cream cheese, you put it on the butt, then you get some horseradish, but not too much, because you'll burn the top of your tongue, and that's not a good thing, da, da, da, D, D, D, whatever the hell else. hey, hey, shut up already, All right, with the songs.
Listen, go and get me an, uh, an Adolf Musselman sandwich. that's a nice sandwich. You know, Musselman was not a sandwich. the man was a God. And Sophie Tucker was his high priestess. My heart, my heart. Give him a C, a bouncy C. I saw a yellow sous star, a Maury Amsterdam was there. it was a pleasure. Thank you. you're welcome. you're welcome. |
dropout | grant_is_a_huge_klutz_idiot | It's the best time I'm here. You know I'm right.
Yes. Okay. Let's see. Uh. Oh.
Jesus. Spoke my coffee.
Oh boy. Yogurt on my bottom. Paper towels. Nope. I don't know fellas. Oh goodness. Oh boy.
Mondays. Grant, are you okay? Oh yeah. I got it. Let me get this. Grant.
Whoa. What happened? Landed in the yogurt! Yeah, you did.
We know.
Oh boy.
Are you okay?
I got it. Okay. Oh boy. And the yogurt. I like it. Yeah. I got it too. I'll get it.
Oh boy. Okay. Oh boy.
Slipped in the yogurt! Oh dang!
Well, I think I'm going to go take my 4th shower for the day and have another go at breakfast.
Hey Grant. Thank you.
For what? Everything.
I forgot about my porcelain and slime.
You did. Yeah, we know. Hi, it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching.
You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
TheOnion | Pentagon_Leaders_Confirm_U_S_Military_Sexual_Assaults_Still_Best_In_World | The CEO of Dollar Tree unveils the long-rumored foil baking pan, a new donor liver complains about the difficulty of working with Lou Reed, and a local couple keeps their marriage together for the sake of no one. Close your eyes and take a deep breath, we'll keep this as quick and painless as possible. This is the Onion Week in Review. This week officials at the Pentagon confirmed that the United States military's sexual assaults are still the very best in the world. Members of the top brass of the Department of Defense assured Americans that while violent sexual attacks in other countries have become more and more prevalent in past years, sexual assault occurring within the U.S. military will always be number one.
A study published this week in the Journal of Financial Economics found that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one. Researchers confirmed that roughly 8 out of 10 gamblers who walked away from slot machines, poker games, horse races, roulette, and other games were consistently just a single stake away from winning it all, and unknowingly gave up a lifetime of fortune by quitting prematurely. Our study proved that subjects who closed an online poker session, walked away from a slot machine, or even gave up gambling altogether would have won millions of dollars in the next bet. Also, people who walk away after hitting it big are missing out on a chance to make more money.
I mean, when you're hot, you're hot. Attendees of a karaoke night confirmed this week that this man, currently 30 seconds into the song Man in the Mirror, better get his act together and get it together fast. Onlookers say the man who has already botched the opening lyrics of Michael Jackson's 1988 hit song, better get his ass in gear pronto if he wants to salvage this performance because no one came here to watch him fuck around for five minutes. You know, he could hit every last note for the remainder of the song, and I still don't know if that would be enough to turn this thing around. Honestly, he needs to get serious right now or get the fuck off the stage. I mean, what does he think this is? Living on a prayer? Fucking pathetic. And in this week's Op-Ed pages, author Joyce Carol Oates offers her advice to aspiring writers. In other news, Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a bodybuilding George Harrison, an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends, and a vain Galapagos tortoise tries to pass for 90. Fill out the 375-page survey following this video and get a free bonus week in review delivered directly to your inbox, or keep checking TheOnion.com for more. |
dropout | yellderly_young_people_who_complain_like_they_re_old | So, uh, what is this for again? Do you want the $30 or no? Yeah, obviously. Sorry. Shut up. Look at this.
More kale. Hey, remember when salads just had lettuce? Uh, uh, uh, or is lettuce not as chill as kale?
Geez. Hey, well, cut it out, man. Come on.
What is his problem? He's elderly. He's elderly? Young and elderly? They complain about today's culture, despite the fact that he's not even old yet.
Bottled water? Hey, my dear, ever hear of the tap?
I hate my generation. I feel like I've seen people like that on Facebook. Oh, yeah, they love Facebook. They go in there to complain about social media and do not get the irony of that.
Hey, don't let anyone see eat that sandwich, man. It's got carbs, which are poison all of a sudden. Why is he being so aggressive? The elderly people make a big show about not being a part of a culture that they are clearly 100% a part of. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I ruining your hookup? You trying to swipe left?
Whatever happened to dating, it's great. You can court each other. God, you know, these people are like internet comments come to life.
Should we take our lunches outside, or are you scared of sunburns? Skin cancer.
Everyone's afraid of everything today. You know, I hate Kindles. Why is he like this? Deep down, they're afraid. They don't totally fit into today's society, so they distance themselves from it.
Twitter's the worst. I was on Twitter, and I didn't get any followers.
Everyone's always on their phones, aren't they? Conversation? Hello? I'm great to talk to.
Oh, that's kind of sad. Don't feel bad for him. He's a huge dick.
Does this lunch even count if I don't take a selfie of it? Whatever happened to music that isn't rap? If I don't finish my food, I must have ADD.
Like everyone. The Macarena is better than twerking. I guess all of a sudden rape jokes aren't funny. Newspapers are better than the internet.
I hate all millennials. Well, you are a millennial. You're just as much a part of this culture as all of us.
There are no old things here. Then leave. Fine.
Oh, finally. Now take off your underwear. Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.
Thank you for watching. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here to watch another video. And click here if you want to see what it looked like without a shirt on.
Ah, weird that it's the same, isn't it? Fine.
Oh, finally. Now take off your underwear. |
cracked | arya_stark_kicks_ass_lady_mormont_s_a_bad_ass_ed_sheeran_winter_is_taking_forever_got_recap | Hey everyone, welcome back to winter is taking forever our Game of Thrones recap show. I am Adam Ganser I am Carmen Angelica and we are finally back and not in marine No, when we were watching that map not one weird fucking machine with a pyramid. So it started off pretty great I thought I like first scene. I really did. I enjoyed right away. There was no intro There was yes, and I was like, what is this world? I need my intro I need the music and the robotics like I need it But then you know, I but it was kind of I liked the scene a lot But you kind of knew kill them all by poisoning great Not enough poisoning in the show But I did know it was Aria right away like the season six finale where we saw Walder Frege get killed Kind of made this scene a bummer because it wasn't like you weren't like what's going on They could have had like a sixth sense moment where it was like if you didn't know and then the face came off and you'd Be like it was hard the whole time.
That's pretty good Yeah, also cuz we don't want to have to care about the phrase and I respect the showrunners for knowing We don't care about the phrase either. Nobody does. Let's just kill them all at once good move showrunners I approve of that right first. We're at the wall. Uh-huh. No more no more brand.
Just call him Brandon That's a normal human name. By the way, like how is she is she just like just one man sledding this kid? Yeah, she's very strong Kidding, but I love that he came up to the wall and they were like who are you and they were like we're us And then they're like we don't believe you and instead of being like get my brother who will recognize me, right? Instead he's like I'm gonna mind freak you Right. Instead. I'm gonna say magic words. You're like you wrote the fist of the first man All right, come on in I have to say like this doesn't make me feel confident about Dollarous Ed's leadership like first he comes down to the wall himself to talk to just two kids Just send one of your minions like you got shit to do up there. I've seen it. No, no, I got this I'm gonna handle this myself And then he just lets him in and then looks out there like maybe I fucked this up. Okay, so following that dubious leadership by Dollarous Ed, we had two scenes with Jon Snow and Sansa I wanted that scene to start with everybody finishing chanting the King of the North And then there's one person that's like King of the North One guy who like doesn't know. Jon Snow is like we're gonna fight and then they're like yeah He's like and we need the women to fight too and they're like no no no no And then the lady mormon comes in and she's like I'll fight and everyone's like yeah And then the one guy's like I don't want her to fight and then she's like yeah I don't have to ask your permission, and he's like I'm okay.
I will poke you in the eye with these like child fingers I love her. I want her to be my child. I when I have a child. I want Lady mormon to be my child Like do you want her to actually have like title and land?
As for the house of common we deny the charges I'm so proud of you We do deny the charges I mean we know there's gonna be like 10 or 15 Game of Thrones spin-offs like that's a thing I don't know how many if one of them isn't lady mormon says the darndest thing I don't know what the f*** they're doing I don't plan on knitting by the fire while men fight for me So we didn't talk about the important thing which is Jon Snow and Sansa are at loggerheads She is like technically the most stark of starks at this point Yeah, and she she is the most legit star. Yeah, she's always legit start I think they're implying that Sansa's got like a little bit of like a poison thorn in her now a little bit You know what I mean like she's kind of like she's not nice anymore Yeah, well when she and John had that talk and she was like sirs is real dangerous. He's like it looks like you like sir He was easily that bitchy It seems like you look up to her now and a part of me was like no John She's literally just saying like she's giving you facts dangerous. I've dealt with her. That's true It was all the things maybe Sansa does kind of in her heart sort of revere what Cersei did so she is a little bit evil now But the performance didn't quite nothing up to that point has made us like oh she reveres Cersei She's been hanging out with a little finger forever Like how long can you hang out with that guy before you just get a little bit of shit on you? Like all he does is kind of whisper through clenched teeth. That's like his whole job I feel like what do you want that you do not have do you notice that that's a thing with all of the like Cersei is all about that clenched.
They all are there's so many of them. Yeah, all our kids are dead What about fate photos about a dynasty for us they cut to sir say immediately after painting a mural mural She can walk through but she's not painting it. She has a guy. She's having it done Yeah, she's kind of walking through it, which is also like wouldn't it be wet like I'm not done yet. Like you're gonna have to get new shoes. You know that right? Yeah, we need you to wear those little booties Real quick side note We know that people in Westeros guts a stemmy package in the season because the Lannisters have some of the coolest armor We've never seen before ever. Yeah, like they're in third active villain armor mode right now. Everything's been free Oh, it's all like black with like chrome trim and like the red capes are like blood red I mean, it's like when do they spend some money on that? So this week on shipping ships Speaking of relationship. Yeah, you're see is a thing that might happen. You're on in Cersei This is just for you fans out there. He actually looks like Jeff Tweedy of Wilco Yeah, that is who he looks like like put a side-by-side up at her Look at that shit and so like Cersei like kind of lets him flirt with her Yeah, and then she's like no you're gonna have to do more to to marry this Cersei and like Jamie Meanwhile is like this is bullshit. Yeah. Yeah, and I also love that her version of flirting is just like sitting stock straight And like every now and that's kind of her old job her hand moves this guy is nothing He has claimed to fame is that he survived a drowning. Yeah, that's his whole job He survived drowning and he somehow got all of these ships together again stimulation package This is more proof that there was a Bravo stemmy package in the offseason because those ships are Swaggy, and we know they built them in a hurry because Fucking Yara and Theon took all their goddamn ships Yeah So they had to like build more ships and that's what they built off the rocks and fucking driftwood on that island Bullshit, that's a Bravo's money.
That dude's in debt. That guy's in Trump level debt Yeah, that's why he's like I gotta marry you and then they're like we're also in debt And our next segment is is this a musical montage? There's a legitimate question Yeah, because it's Sam and he's just dealing with shit and like food that looks like shit and then also just him doing like Right, it felt like the beginning of money by Pink Floyd Also, what is with the chains on the books?
They're not attached. What is going on with those? I care so much about this cuz I'm like is it just there to be cool You know what it reminds me of is those um strings with like beads all over them It's like a book like a book curtain made of change.
Yeah, you can't get a book out So you're like nah, this is a chain I just like to point out Sam is having his Harry Potter moment because like there's like a forbidden like section of the book Oh, yeah, just like in Harry Potter's like please professor. Can I go in and see the forbidden book? Yeah, you haven't in the right potter when he opened a book.
I wanted to be like and it'll scream Exactly. I just want to point.
I just want to skip ahead and say that I don't care about Sam I think Sam's all this time can be distributed somewhere else give like maybe two more speeches to Davos Why don't you let Brianne go right around the woods and learn about herself or something like just there's so many things I would rather watch that I want more brand because the only thing we got out of this whole episode is like he learned that There's dragonglass on Dragonstone because he doesn't understand how fucking words work It's a map of dragonstone you wanted to talk about Sam and the archmage in that scene because you had a particularly disturbing There's a lot of nudity as we know in these In these in the series and I see a ton of boobs all the time And then they show me a penis and it's on a dead corpse. That's cut open gross on the subject of Exposed penises we have that nice scene with Brianne torn up all he's got a thing for Brianne and it's pretty good, right? You're a lucky man. Why isn't she into it? He's not subtle because he's coming on too hard. He's pretty cool, though But he's coming on too hard And she like is that too hard in Westeros being like you're lucky you get beat up by her It's like a little bit weird just be like I appreciate your hard work, but I respect you listen in this we're clearly equals I just wanted to know that you're a wonderful teacher And I respect you and I'll be around for friendship. Okay. This is I think the most controversial scene this week on Cameos Ed Sheeran's that his name. Yeah shows up as like a Lannister soldier who can sing that Arya stumbles upon and then just kind of decides to hang out with also the fact that Ed Sheeran was immediately singing felt a little bit like Yeah, I did exactly the same thing. I was like, this is I'm already not into it.
What are you doing? What is what is this?
They're pretty nice. They were nice.
Like what is this for is it to make her be like Oh people are people and I don't want to kill everyone like no, she doesn't want to kill everyone She's a list. That's very clearly. She has a list of names that she says before bed Yeah, I kind of did like the scene and I know you hated it. I'll tell you what I did like about it I liked I liked that Arya had like a little human connection because it's been years I don't know a long time since she had like a regular person in her life cuz like that dude Jocken Hagar or whatever his name is that's not a human that guy's a monster and the other thing I thought was cool Was for the first time me at least when I'm watching that I'm actually worried for the soldiers. Really? Yes I was not worried for Ari. I was like Aria could slice these dudes up up next.
We had the hound I liked it. I like to see did you have feelings? Yeah It was a little I've heard of me was a little bit like now you have feelings when this family That's the point right? I mean, that's the point the hound is basically where all the philosophy now goes in Game of Thrones Like they poured into his story And they did a nice job this time of like a guy who doesn't want to admit that he doesn't think he deserves to live So instead he projects it on to other people Oh, why does the Lord of Light keep bringing you back? Also, by the way reminding us that this guy can raise people from the dead because I'll come up later for sure But if that feels real to me, especially in this day and age where like a person projects on to somebody else the thing about themselves they hate that feels real and that was cool that they did that because We knew from the previously on that the hound had murdered that family.
Otherwise, we would never have fucking remembered that Okay So the last scene was basically 10 minutes of Daenerys walking in formation It is the fact that they were in the same formation on that boat really bugged me because I'm like have they been standing like It's like the way that we imagine George Washington crossing the Potomac Did they know they were being painted that they hold it still for that because that's what has feels and this whole episode She just lands on a beach walks in formation turns to Cameron goes should we begin? It should have began months ago This is yet another point to my stimulation package that throne and Dragonstone seems weird We never saw that when Stannis was there because that thing is swaggy like that whole set look like something out of Stargate Okay, so let's go to our last segment predictions Who kills Cersei Aria might you think Aria gets away with it, and she does it I don't know. I don't know who the most satisfying person to murder Cersei is but if I had to put my money on what would make me feel the best. I think it would be Sansa That's the person who was hurt the most directly the most frequently by Cersei. I could see that happen That would be a cool person. Yeah, George Jamie might What if that would also be good that would be a thing sure I could see them doing that of like the double cross Tyrion has a legitimate claim to it also You know where it's like so many people Everybody has everybody's got a bone to pay with Cersei and like only one person can kill her because they're not gonna all grab one Sword and like all right together here That's not gonna happen no okay, so that's that's one um I predict that Aria finds her dire wolf Nymeria for those of you who are book readers you you know that Aria's wolf has collected a pack of ferocious wolves But we don't know that they ever meet up. I think Aria meets up with I mean there was they had the coming up next thing And I saw a wolf, but I don't know what I also think Aria doesn't meet her family until the very end I don't think all the Starks are together until the very end.
Yes. I agree.
They can't all be I mean so far We have a lot of them in one place, but Jon Snow and Daenerys are destined to be together Oh, yeah, come on. They have to it's like cousin wedding and like that's in the history of the Targaryens Like they're always wedding each other's cousins and stuff because they both have to have somebody who's like fitting of the right lineage And also he's king of the North so like that's a marriage that makes sense for Daenerys And also she needs somebody hotter than that dude from the second sons that she bailed on last season Hey guys Thank you so much for watching If you want to see more videos press the C in the middle and then if you want Notifications about future videos press the bell we're gonna be doing this show every week until there's no more games of thrones Cuz winter is finally here |
cracked | y_all_remember_birdie_from_mcdonald_s | The only character to be later introduced that would stick was Birdie, the early bird. She arrived in the form of a giant egg that the other mascots seemingly incubated with their body heat overnight until it hatched. Despite being poultry and McDonald's having an iconic poultry item, technically in the form of McNuggets, that was not her purpose. She was instead meant to get kids feeding for McDonald's breakfast offerings because I guess they were concerned that too many platelets were still capable of moving through their young arteries unobstructed. Birdie completed the lineup that's part of the popular consciousness today. But even though everyone remembers them, they're not actually featured that heavily by McDonald's anymore. Overnight until it hatched. Despite being poultry and McDonald's having an iconic poultry item, technically in the form of McNuggets, that was not her purpose. She was instead meant to get kids feeding for McDonald's breakfast offerings because I guess they were concerned that too many platelets were still capable of moving through their young arteries unobstructed. Birdie completed the lineup that's part of the popular consciousness today. But even though everyone remembers them, they're not actually featured that heavily by McDonald's anymore. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Peter_Helliar_Iconic_Comedian_Writer_and_Film_Buff | Allow me to take you back to the halcyon days of yore when you were a youngster that could enter a certain style of store that contained hundreds if not thousands of movies available in the form of physical media. I of course am speaking about the wonders of the video store and allow me to welcome you into the last video store and here I am sitting as its clerk. On this show what we do is we talk to cool and frickin interesting people about their favorite movies in the style of an old school video store rental combo. My name is Alexey Toliopulos, now I have said that it is on the record and joining me in the last video store this week as our brand newest customer.
It is someone who have been a long time fan of a personal hero of mine, one of the funniest frickin guys Peter Hellyer. Let me tell you this, Rove Live, one of the most important TV shows of all time for me. Skithouse, same story. Now what does Peter Hellyer do? He has the most noble profession of all.
He is a comedian with a podcast about movies. That is a great show called You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet. He is also right now in town because he is doing in Sydney the Rocky Horror Picture Show live on stage as its narrator until May 5th is the frickin date he is doing that too. Which is pretty interesting and I am going to tell you a little connection here because once upon a time on his podcast You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet where he talks to people about movies that they have yet to see I joined him as a guest to talk about a movie I hadn't seen until that day, The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
My lord, what a connection. I am drawing lines between lots of things in this world and I am starting to have conspiracy theories as to why that is.
So it is my pleasure to have one of the frickin nicest, funniest guys in the last video store with me, Peter Hellyer. So before you see him on Taskmaster Australia Season 2, you are going to see him in conversation with me on the last video store. Talking about a new release title, two weeklies and then I am going to provide him with a bespoke customized staff pick recommendation based on his taste. Let's get into it shall we? The Last Store Well well well, welcome to the last video store Mr Peter Hellyer. Thank you Alexi, I've been looking for a video store to hire many a video and I've been walking the streets and I have not been able to find one. And now we've conjured the mystical space around you covered in movies, discs and tapes. It is amazing and I meant to bring some videos that I still have not returned.
I'm seeing those late fees popping up as soon as you walked in the store and an alarm went off. I'm hoping because I'm doing this podcast in the video store that maybe we can waive those fees. We can at least slice them in half for you as is tradition in the video store. Wait till you find out I haven't rewound them either. Oh my god, if the kindest thing one can do is rewind a tape before returning to the store. I remember my mum used to send me into the video store with like the most heinous excuses as to why we haven't returned the videos.
She would make you have to come up with excuses. Death and family stuff.
Wow, your first acting gigs. My first acting gig was trying to get out of paying a fee for returning to the Jedi.
Did it ever work? Yeah, they went there quite a bit so I think they were reasonably generous. They didn't like it when you didn't rewind the tapes though. No, I'm feeling fire within me right now even hearing such heinous stories.
Well Pete, I'm going to sign you up to the store right now so you can rent any film of your choice. But I'm going to need to see a piece of ID and right now I'm clocking a kind of medal of honour. Because you are one of cinema's strongest soldiers in this country. You're fighting the good fight for cinema with the most noble profession known.
Which is comedian that has a podcast about movies. You've of course got a great podcast called You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet.
And I think you do something great, not dissimilar to what we do, which is connecting movies with people that should love them. And it's a lot of time about watching great movies for the first time. Yeah, yeah. So the tagline I guess is I chat to a movie lover about a classic movie they've never seen until now. So they will watch a film for the first time.
And yeah, I've lost count of how many episodes. We must be up to close to 160, 170 episodes.
Wow. 169 the most exciting number hidden amongst those somewhere. I mean I sit between 160 and 170. You've got 169 into it. 169 my favourite position.
Two people doing something crazy and one just looking the other way. That's got nothing to do with my podcast by the way. We haven't ventured into that territory yet. But it's been amazing to have these conversations with people. Because I think you, as a movie lover, you have this romantic thought that you can go see a movie and then have a coffee or a wine with somebody. And talk about the film at length. But it rarely happens to be absolutely honest. You just walk the other way and see a mate?
Yeah, and I thought I would go see movies by myself. Oh my god, my favourite thing to do. A lone mission for a soldier of cinema.
I do love that. I love it. I love it so much.
So by the time you get to meet people, maybe your ship's passing in the night. Or you might be at a workplace or something and you're crossing in the hallway. So the conversation's up.
So the podcast has given me an opportunity to revisit some of my favourite films. But also films I've never seen before and have discussions. We watched Rocky Horror Picture Show for the very first time.
Yeah, and now you're freaking starring on stage. I know, it's come full circle. So each night I'm looking out for you, seeing if I can see you doing the time warp. So we'll have to make that happen. Yeah, absolutely. But it's funny.
I think we recorded that episode over a year ago. It was a lockdown special, I remember. Yes, and I think we both really enjoyed the film. And now, fast forward 18 months, it feels like it's become quite important to me. As far as I really have connected with it and this experience as well. This group of actors led by the great Jason Donovan and a wonderful group of actors have embraced me. The crowds in Sydney have been amazing and Rocky Horror I think will always mean something pretty special. Both for doing the stage show and of course having our experience.
And now I know that I'm a special place in your heart forever. You've always had a little special place in my heart. Hearing such beautiful words, a tear is trembling at the side of my eye. A tear of pure joy and it is telling me that you are signed up perfectly to the store.
We are allowing you to rent any frickin' movie that you want. Fantastic. Let me tell you about the combo.
The special this week is this week and every week. I don't know why I said this week. It's every single week, every frickin' time on this podcast. But the new member special is one new release title which is any movie from roughly a current age of cinema.
Yes. And then we've got two weekly titles. Older movies, all-time favorites of yours. And then I'm going to give you a bespoke customized recommendation based on your taste. Okay. So wander out, pick up some flicks, sit back down and guess what? Do your favorite thing. We're going to talk about them. Woo! Okay then, we'll have a look.
New release. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I have my new release. Wow, and it's a beautiful picture. I'm feeling energy coursing off this. There's a lot of love in here for this film. It really is. This is a movie I've seen but I want to rewatch it. And I saw it at the cinema without knowing too much about it. I heard a little bit of buzz, if you will. Wow. And I went and saw it.
The Oscars are calling. Buzz is about. The Oscars are calling.
And the movie is Past Lives. Drama. Wow. I love this movie, Pete.
Sometimes you hear people say, oh, the movie really stayed with me. And I think it happens very often, to be absolutely honest. Considering the amount of movies I see over a year, you may get a handful that really stay with you that you can't quite shake. You'd be on a train sometimes and it'll just float back into your head. And Past Lives did that for me.
So it's a beautiful film. It's a South Korean American film by Claire Song, I think.
Celine Song.
Directorial debut, right? Phenomenal.
And it's about two kids in South Korea who are, I probably have them at about 10. Yeah, they're pretty young.
Yeah. And they kind of have, I guess, feelings for each other. It's like that childhood crush. Yes. Like a childhood sweetheart where it's like, well, you know, what can you say? But they have that sticky quality where they kind of, they remain in each other's minds and hearts. Yes.
And the lead, the girl, played by really great performance by Greta Lee. Her family moves to Canada first and then to New York. So you pick her up in New York. And yeah, so she's grown, they kind of reconnect on Skype.
Yeah. Wow. Hearing that Skype bumping through in that movie, it was like, okay, I didn't expect to feel a nostalgia for a sound, you know? It was a pre-Zoom era. Yeah.
And then they had to kind of step away from each other a little bit because this is an impossible relationship. I think she's having feelings for him but can't go anywhere because he's not leaving Korea any time soon. She's in New York, her life's in New York. And then eventually, you know, he comes over and, you know, I could probably leave it there as far as what happens. But it's about them just reconnecting after all these years and trying to work out where they are in their own lives and how they can possibly fit in with each other's lives.
And it's just a beautiful film. And it's got one of the most, it's a very simple film. Like it's, you know, I don't want to call it a small film but it's not like, you know, it's certainly not a blockbuster and it's got no special effects. It's just a beautifully written performance-based film that really gets into your heart. You say it doesn't have special effects but let me tell you, the original special effect in cinema, chemistry, baby. Yeah, that's it.
Beautiful chemistry between those two. The three actors, in fact, that these two and also Gretta Lee's character does get married. Yeah, the actors are Gretta Lee and Tel Yu who are the star-crossed lovers of the past.
And then her husband played by John Magaro. Magaro, yes.
And there's just some really clever choices made by Celine Song who that character could have been the villain in this story. You know, the American man who doesn't understand and he's jealous. But it's played differently and with more empathy for that character and respect, I think.
So that's intriguing. The opening of the film is so clever. You have these two characters. Great opening.
I forgot about it.
The three characters. So the three characters we just mentioned are at a bar and they're talking. We don't hear what they're talking about. We hear another couple talking. They're obviously observing, like we often do at restaurants where people watch and they're wondering. There's these two Korean man and woman and this white American man. Sitting next to them silently as they're talking. Yeah, and they're wondering what's going on and they're trying to figure out what the dynamic is in this threesome. So the audience asks the same question. And then we come back to that conversation later in the film and we have more context and we can hear.
And you receive the full emotional weight of a journey leading up to it as well. It's an ingenious opening. I even forgot it. Straightaway you see me go, fuck, that's so evocative. What a weird way to start this film. And it fits. It's not like, oh, it's not, you know, inverted commas arty for arty being full sake.
It's just really clever and it gets you in straightaway because as an audience member you are asking the question, what is the dynamic here? And it's just got these beautiful little moments in the same way, you know, everything everywhere. All at once, you know, when that time in that movie where... You're seeing their love story by Ki Ha Kwan and Michelle Yeoh, like their love story across different universes. Yeah, and he says, you know, you see kindness as weakness. It's actually a strategy, it's a tactic, you know, because it's life's too hard to kind of navigate without it. And then I just thought that was such a beautiful moment because that film could have been all about the, you know, the smoke and the mirrors, you know. But it had a big heart and this past lives has a really big heart. And there's a moment, you know, where, and maybe skip 30 seconds or so if you haven't seen it, but this is a moment where Greta Lee's character says, you know, that young girl was there for you at a time when you needed her.
And I'm still here, I haven't changed. Sorry, I think she does say, I have changed. She doesn't exist anymore, but that she was there when you needed her and she'll always be there when you needed her.
So it's just a beautiful moment. My God, imagine if we started crying right now talking about this film. I suspect we're going to be hugging soon. Oh, okay, we're going to toss all the discs off the table and leap at each other.
I love that you brought up everything everywhere all at once because I think this film has like a few different film connections for me as well because I think what this does really marvelously, it captures like the full emotional range of the before trilogy, before sunrise, before sunset, before midnight in one film. And I think because it has this like very interesting spiritual concept that connects it all together, it also evolves to be more than just like a straight moonlight or something as well. And I think that concept being connected to culture and a migration story of this idea of past lives, a spiritual concept of there are certain people that you connect with in all these different lives and are being tied to that. I find it incredibly moving and I think I kind of encountered this film at the perfect time in my life where I'm just hitting that, you know, my very late 20s, perhaps 2012 is the age that I gather to that and finding it to be not just like one of those films that you just have an emotional connection to, but it has like this really enriching balance of like spirit, romance, hope, doubt, humor, sincerity, soul, but most importantly captures this idea or this feeling of nostalgia that you have for your own life, you know? And I think finding it at that right time, it really hit me. I just absolutely love this film. I completely agree. I thought about my own life and how I've come to be where I am, with who I am and people I've met in the past and the whole sliding doors notion of life as well and yeah, I found it really, it really got in me. And it's amazing how many people I've spoken to who have said a very similar thing. It just, it stays with you.
And you know, I've seen some great movies recently. I saw Civil War, which I thought was great. I loved it too.
Completely different kind of film obviously. Interesting double feature though.
I reckon what's past lives first. Exactly. It'll make you realize what we have at risk at war. Hey, actually that does work. Yeah, all right, we did it. Yeah, double feature guys. Yeah, there we go.
But yeah, and the performances are beautiful. I think Greta Lee is incredible in this. I think she was nominated for an Oscar. Yeah, or I don't know if she made the final cut of the Oscar, but she was in the talks for it and made like a few other nominations. And all the Emmys and the Golden Globes, I think she was certainly there.
Those globes.
But I think it was nominated for an Oscar, the film was. Best picture. Best picture, yes.
I think it deserved more. I actually think, I think Greta Lee should have got a nomination. I think that whole cast, those three primaries, and I think Celine Song deserved the best director.
I love, love, love this movie. That's why I own it on Blu-ray. And that's why I'm letting you borrow it. You have to return it. There's no higher compliment than owning a Blu-ray in 2024.
Yeah, than being in the personal archives of Lexi Tully Awfulness. There is no higher compliment. But great pick, Pete. Celine Song's past lives.
Great movie. Absolutely. So yeah, check that out.
Weekly. We're moving on to your first weekly title.
And my god, this is one of the movies I reckon I've seen more times than any other film in my entire life, perhaps. It is up there for me. So when I, with You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet, the movie podcast I host, I ask people to nominate their three favorite films.
And some people know them sort of way, others it's a torturous kind of exercise to do. And mine are, Godfather, I do cheat. Mine are Godfather Part 2 and Part 1 as one film.
It counts as one picture. Yeah. I actually have a bootleg copy where it has both of them edited together in chronological order. Oh really? And I will lend it to you any time you want. I would love that. It's an illegal copy though. And I'm saying it on the record sheepishly, but I'm not going to edit it out. Wow. I am, I genuinely will hold you to that.
And then Sideways and another film that we'll get to in a second. And then I did this film live at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. And I was watching it going, oh, this is like, I've seen this film a lot. And I think this would have to be my top five films. So I think I have this as my fifth favorite film of all time with Star Wars slash Empire Strikes Back. Wow, you love doing a little combo of two movies. And this one, you could be comboing three movies.
Exactly right. Back to the Future. Great film. I'm going to ask you this, are you going to pick up the trilogy box set? I'm sticking with the original. Wow, one film only. Well, one film only because I do love Back to the Future 2.
But, and this may make you fall off your chair, Alexi. I'm holding onto it right now. Hold onto it.
Never seen Back to the Future 3.
That's crazy. I know, I know.
So I was on the way to see it with a couple of mates. And one, on the way to Northland in Melbourne. And one of my friends decided, he told us we need to get off at this train station. It wasn't the train station we had to get off at to see the movie. I have to go and pick something up.
And so he goes, just wait here and I'll be back in like 10 minutes. And 45 minutes kind of passed and we're like, I'm not sure if he's coming back.
I think we later found out that there may have been a drug deal going on that we were completely naive about. Wow, this is a unique story tied to Back to the Future 3.
That's for sure. I know, I do need a DeLorean to go back and work it out and maybe stop the drug deal. That's your counterpoint in time where you must go back to. That's your 1985, your 1955 and your 2015. Nicely done.
Yeah, so it was too late to see the movie. And we just kind of made this kind of silent pact that we wouldn't see it. But I was speaking to my friend recently, the one who was with me and missed out on seeing the film.
And we decided I think we need to watch Back to the Future 3. And you should receive free drugs while you do it. We should get a bong and pack it tight and enjoy maybe the whole trilogy together. But this is Back to the Future Part 1.
I remember it coming out and I saw it in the cinema. I remember there was a lot of hype about it. I mean the graphic design alone, this Back to the Future is so revered. And so it pops straight off the DVD cover and on all the billboards at the time. I mean, I think I got my sense of style from that cover. I just realized I'm dressed almost exactly like it.
There's a touch of Marty McFly about you. Ooh, there always is. I feel like Marty McFly is about me.
That certain je ne sais quoi. So when I was watching it recently, I thought, this is a perfect movie. I agree with you. It really is. I think it's one of those films you can fully classify as what I would consider a perfect movie. Which is a movie without faults. Tight, tight screenplay. Does something wonderful. Maybe it's got a new concept with it. And it's just like, this is a movie you cannot fault because everything pays off. And beyond that, really clockwork directing. And yes, that is a pun. There's heaps of fucking clocks in this movie. But also it's got that really powerful genre hybridity of comedy meets science fiction. And just like that perfect time. Like that perfect kind of balance of comedy. And I guess thrills as well. Absolutely.
And there's so much information they are feeding you in this film. But it never feels like you're being fed. I mean that opening scene with all the clocks. There's so much information you are being given without any dialogue really. And it just slowly brings you. Like it's crazy this movie has a slow start. Because by the time you're getting to the end, this movie is firing at a rapid pace.
I think it's one of the finest act threes in cinema history. I mean you have this. I mean you'd be almost satisfied. Obviously you want Marty to get back home. But you're almost satisfied after the enchantment under the sea kind of dance. And he's got his parents together. There's a version of this movie where he quickly gets back and you're still pretty satisfied.
But they're not satisfied. Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg who produced it are not satisfied.
So the stakes are just so perfectly pitched. They're so tightly wound as well. Just the way this film winds up. It's so exciting.
I still remember the first time I discovered it. I feel like I was playing on channel 10 or something. And I just remember my mum was on a work trip elsewhere. And I saw part one. And I was just like holy shit. This is the most excited I've ever been watching a movie. I would have been about 25 years old or something. Just kidding. I was 10. And I just thought this film is so exciting. And I remember just asking my mum can you please buy this for me. And it had just been released on DVD at that time. And I absolutely just fell in love with these films. And I don't even know where to start.
But I think one thing that I really appreciate about it is that Easter egg quality. And I think it's that catnip for young film goers like you and I. Where you've got this town. And I think the town is so beautifully built in a set type way. It's got that great artifice of like you're feeling that town square.
You're feeling everything. But then when you see it through the different stages. Whether it's in the entirety of the trilogy or just in this film. And you're seeing those little changes. And things like the lone pine versus twin pine wall. I just find that it's so engrossing. And it's such a captivating watch for those reasons. Every detail.
Even Hill Valley. What is Hill Valley?
Is it one's going one way, one's going the other way? It's kind of perfect. And then you have, like I said before, you don't feel like you're being fed.
All the information is still entertaining. There's a great scene which is a really good demonstration.
When Marty, they're talking about, he's just afraid of the audition. And Jennifer's trying to make him feel better. And they're talking about going camping.
He kind of is looking at this two by four over there in this car. Or four by four. Whatever it is. It's on a plank of wood. And then they've got a kind of kiss.
And this woman comes up and shakes her can and saves the bell tower. And it's perfect because it's funny because she's intruding on their private moment. But she's giving you this information. And she explains about the lightning striking the bell tower. And then she gives him the flyer.
And Marty, you would expect, probably will turf that bit of paper out. And this is the bit of paper that basically saves his life in the end. This is the bit of paper that makes him able to get back to 1985. From 1955.
And the reason he keeps it is because Jennifer writes her number. Because she's going to be staying at her grandmother's house. And she writes, I love you on it.
And that is the moment that basically saves Marty's life. And it happens in 20 minutes into the film. Not even 20 minutes. It's probably seven minutes into the film.
And it's perfect. And then you've got this amazing storyline where, yes, it's time travel.
But he's trying to hook up his mum and his daddy. His mum's got the hots.
I remember seeing Biff and those bullies as kind of cartoony bullies. But when you watch it as an adult and more recently, you go, oh no, he's like a rapist. They're evil, those guys.
It's pretty heavy, to quote the movie. He says heavy a lot too. But it is pretty heavy stuff.
Yeah. And they do racism. They do things that they don't get distracted by having these subject matters and dealing with certain things in a way. But they're there. And it's commenting on that time period as well.
I think from a very interesting perspective, the way that they're able to comment on those things. I would say as well, to me, that concept of what were your parents like in high school being the existential question that kicks us off. What were your parents like when they were your age? There's something about that that is so enticing. And to explore it in this mode, it's so interesting. Because I remember watching this and going, what were my parents like? And I was like, I guess my dad would have been kind of like me, but probably a bit of a dork and stuff. Or maybe my mum was cool. I think it's just a great way to explore that. Our parents probably shield us from the seedier details of their youth.
And so that's such a great moment where we have earlier, Lea Thompson, who I think is really underrated. Michael J. Fox deserves all the credit for doing this film. Absolutely. Masterful performance. He makes this film, he really does.
And he was shooting Family Tires as he was making this. He was shooting Family Tires during the day during the night.
I watched Eric Stoltz as Chuggerin. He was doing it. Poor Eric Stoltz. Apparently he was taking it very seriously. He was in a different film. He thought he was making It's a Wonderful Life.
So Lea Thompson kind of says, I was a well-behaved girl. I would never drink and I wouldn't be in a parked car with a boy. And then you see her in the parked car hitting on her son and taking a swig from a whisky flask.
It's a beautiful film. Incredible performance. Chris McGlover, also amazing. All the performances. Christopher Lloyd. It's just perfect. It's a perfect film.
And you see, because Zemeckis did, I think, Romancing the Stone before this. That's what made him, you know, he had a couple of films that didn't quite work. And then made Romancing the Stone, which was a big hit. And then so he got Back to the Future up.
And Spielberg was a big supporter of it. But you can see the Spielberg influence. Some of the framing. If you watch the first time Marty sees his dad in the diner. There's just a beautiful, beautiful framing shots going on with the camera moves. And I think, I tend to think that Spielberg probably had a lot to do with that.
Now this is a movie I hadn't revisited for quite some time. I got back to it recently. It is the John Hughes, Steve Martin, John Candy classic, Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
Comedy. I love this. So this is my top three films of all time. I love this film so much. This is, sometimes I spend a lot of comedies on my podcast.
And they'll nominate a dumb and dumber.
It's come up in people's favorite films. And the movies like that. I never really connected with films like that. As much as I do appreciate the genius of Jim Carrey. But I kind of liked films with a bit more heart I guess.
And we're closer to reality perhaps. And Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
I didn't really even know Steve Martin that well. I think this comes out after Three Migos. I think I'd seen him in Three Migos, which I love.
And John Candy I was aware of. And John Candy, his performance as Del Griffith in this film.
I think he's Oscar worthy. Wow. And I think this is again a perfect film.
Quite different to a lot of the other John Hughes films. You know where he often would deal with kids and this high school experience. This is two adults who are strangers who meet. And it's packed with jokes and set pieces. And tension, like so much tension. Some of the, one of the most beautiful scenes and heartbreaking scenes.
Where Steve Martin's character Neil Page just tears John Candy's character a new asshole. Just absolutely tears into shreds in their hotel room. And John Candy's response is just incredible.
He kind of sticks up for himself. He says, I like me, my wife likes me.
Oh my god, we're going to cry on this podcast. As soon as you said that I felt like a little, a coursing of energy through me as soon as you said that. Yeah, it's a beautiful, beautiful scene. And yeah, and those moments. And then there's a, you know, I won't certainly say what the twist is at the end. But this kind of twist, it's a bit of a heartbreaker. And yeah, I cried in this when I saw this.
And I continue to do so. I caught up with it again recently. And I would admit, yes in preparation for this podcast.
And John Hughes is someone that I bounce off a lot. Like I don't, like especially his teenage films and a few of his films, like I really bounce off hard on them. I just, I hate them.
And I think that he's made some evil movies in my opinion. I think he's made some really evil movies. I think Weird Science is one of the most evil movies ever.
Weird Science is a misstep I think. I think it's cursed. It's a cursed item that film for me. So it was kind of a little apprehensive at first.
But I absolutely love this movie. I think it's, I actually think it's a masterpiece. Like one of the great comedy masterpieces for all the reasons you've said. And I found this great quote from Roger Ebert from his book about great movies. And he says, Some movies are obviously great.
Others gradually thrust their greatness upon us. When Planes, Trains and Allmobiles was released in 1997, I enjoyed it immensely. Gave it a favorable view and moved on. The movie continued to live in my memory.
And I think what that quality is, is exactly what you spoke about. Because somehow this movie is funny, tense, kind of like scary at points. Like just like there's a way you could edit this to be a horror movie. Like without using any new material or anything. Maybe just a few extra sound cues or something like that. It's all there. But it's like extremely funny. A little bit highly strung in the way that it kind of heightens itself. Just a little bit outside of reality.
Yet, the journey that you go on with this film ends in such an emotional place. And somehow this film has this special power that it earns that. It truly, truly earns the emotional impact of it. And reading about this film, I believe that it is all about those two powerhouse lead performances.
Like you said, John Candy, he deserves an Oscar. And I think what excites me most about this pick from you. Because like when I think about you and I think about your humour. It is in that same kind of space of like fueled by love and like joyous kind of humour. So when I heard you picked this film. When I saw it land in front of me in this pile of movies for you. It made me so happy that this is one of your favourite movies. Oh, thank you.
And I can watch this film daily. It's just, again, I would say it's a perfect film. I think for a perfect film, what was the director trying to achieve with this film? Were there things that maybe... You can watch a great, great, great film and it not be perfect.
But, yeah, Playing Strange on Automobiles is perfect. It's so beautifully written. The performances are incredible. It doesn't outstay its welcome. It's, yeah, I love it.
And have you heard that there was originally like a three hour cut? Because it had so much material. Yes. And they were able to get that out to two and a half, two hours. And now one and a half hour almost precisely. Ninety two minutes.
I remember seeing the time when I did pause at the end. And then I do rewind the tape.
But I got to just give them huge props to Paul Hirsch, the editor. Because I think what they do, they cut it down to the most essential beats. The most essential moments over those beats.
Where they don't over say they're welcome. And I think that's what gives it that magic. Where you kind of get the complete picture by the end. Instead of being oversold and feeling every tone throughout. It just earns its place to have this like balance of sweetness and insanity. Which I think is like the most wild balance that film can find.
Yeah, I'm not sure if we need the Snyder Cut on this. I mean, if you put a Snyder Cut three hour version of Playing Strange in front of me.
I would definitely watch it, obviously. More with the curiosity, if anything, fueling that. Yes, but I completely agree.
And I'm somebody who, I'm happy to sit through a long film. Three hours in the cinema is wow. That's time well spent. But I do, you do really need to earn those hours. And often my historical epics, because there's battle sequences.
It's coming as saga, you know. Exactly, exactly right.
I'm not sure if a film like Playing Strange or Past Lives or Back to the Future are better served by having an extra hour attached to it. So yeah, I would definitely, I would love to see what John Candy, to spend more time with Dale Griffith would be incredible. Can I ask you, is John Candy like a hero for you? I very much, I'm trying to think of the films that I would kind of, Playing Strange by far is the film that kind of for me.
It's his pinnacle for sure. And I think it's his best performance. I do, he seemed like he had a big heart and he was so funny. I mean, I also remember I've got very fond memories of him in National Lampoon's vacation as a security guard at Wally World.
And my mum would laugh so much at John Candy. Like her whole body would shake and she would snort. And she still does. And so John Candy gave me that to see my mum just lose control. Laughing at him.
Yeah, and so, yeah, it's not necessarily like, I do love John Candy a lot, but I'd probably, and he made some really good films. He was always the most watchable thing sometimes. The highlight of those movies. So it feels like the great outdoors. Wasn't necessarily a great one, but he was always so watchable.
For me, it's Cool Runnings. I love Cool Runnings.
That was a movie I think I've seen like a hundred times as well. Classic wet weather movie in primary school for me. But I think it's like that one and this one.
It is that balancing act. He's just the rarest actor. Where he can say something stuff that's truly funny. He embodies like this, this like kindness or like this naivety that's soulful and rich. And like the way that he's able to balance like humor with them taking a serious turn. It's like, man, it's expert level. I don't think anyone's ever done it to the level he does. I think he finds laughs on the page where they weren't laughs, you know, and without it being distracting. When he meets Neil Page, it's just the way, if you watch it, the way he meets him and this is, hey Neil Page, please meet Neil Page. There's just something really funny about it. It's in character. He's not, you know, stepping outside the character for a cheap laugh or anything. He's staying in character but he's, I don't know, he just finds moments in scripts that, you know, if you were writing for John Candy, I think that would be such a joyful job to do because you'd know he's going to find bits and make your words better than they maybe are.
Oh, wow. Okay. Beautifully put. Let's send him a script up there in heaven, man. Let's do it. We love you, man.
Staff pick. Well, Pete, we have come to that time where you have got your weeklies, you've got your overnight title, your new release. Yeah, I mean, I could go home satisfied. But let's put a little cherry on top of that beautiful Sunday you've got planned for the weekend and I'll tell you, I've been racking my brain trying to think for you a perfect customised bespoke staff pick recommendation.
So I was putting everything through my freaking brain, my soul, my aura, everything. And the common theme that kept coming up in our conversation, especially when we were talking about past lives is this really powerful, potent idea of love. And I did not want to get rid of that. I think that was essential for me trying to come up with something for you, I hope at least. And I was trying to think, okay, what can I do?
But the other thing that I found really interesting was comedic balance and maybe a bit of genre hybridity I thought would be really key. Cause I think Back to the Future, it's the great genre hybrid and Planets, Trains and Automobiles also has like this weird tension to it. And especially those opening moments of trying to get to the plane in the taxi, like those moments it's like, oh, there's like this tension there. And like this ticking clock feeling almost like an after hours, Martin Scorsese type thing. And I kept on racking my head, like what can I do to combine these things? And then I remembered one of my absolute favourite examples of 1980s genre hybridity.
I'm not sure if you've seen this movie or not, but my recommendation to you is Steve D. Jarnett's Miracle Mile. Have you seen Miracle Mile? No, I have not seen this. Have you heard of Miracle Mile?
No.
Well, let me tell you about it because it's kind of a movie at two points. There's a moment where there's a shift in something and I'd be interested to see maybe if the listener wants to skip ahead a little bit, if they don't want the thing spoiled. But I think there's lots of pleasures in going in knowing or not knowing, but I'll give you the read.
After 30 years of searching, Harry has finally met the girl of his dreams. So there's like this romantic idealism in this movie.
Unfortunately, before they even have a chance to go on their first date, Harry intercepts some chilling news. Pause the podcast if you don't want to know the chilling news. He picks up a phone to make a phone call in a phone booth and he intercepts a message that World War III has begun and nuclear missiles will destroy Los Angeles in less than an hour.
That's not long. Not long at all.
So it's kind of like starts in this romantic comedy place of this idealized world in Los Angeles, this storybook meeting between these two people that I think got married after this. Like their chemistry is really powerful. I think they actually got married in real life.
They start in this world and then things start turning to shit in like this apocalyptic way. You start seeing like the surrealism of this world start bursting out because only one person knows the world is ending. And then you kind of start slowly seeing that message come across.
And it's a great LA movie because it's got this ensemble of some of the most exciting and interesting working character actors from LA at that time. And they bring this sense of joy, fear and desperation to this film. Like if you're a Seinfeld fan, you're watching this clocking, okay, these are all the people from the diner and stuff that I'm recognizing. And it's set in a diner for the most part and then it becomes like a nocturnal mission across Los Angeles.
Like this idea of survival. But what really works is, like I said, it's that mix of tones but then there's like this bleakness. There's this romantic idealism that the film starts in that provides the spine of the film that kind of lets you keep on going and keep on going until whatever the ending is.
So what year was this made? 1988, this film was released.
So it's got Anthony Edwards, so hot off Top Gun. Okay, hot off Top Gun, yes. Hot off Top Gun.
And Rented of Nerds a few years earlier.
This is amazing. I've not even heard of this film. So this is incredible.
Mayor Winningham is the actress. Yeah, Mayor Winningham.
She's best known for Brothers. She pops up in Dark Waters, one of the scariest movies for me, Dark Waters from Todd Haynes. It does for Teflon coated pans what Jaws does for sharks.
I love it. This is amazing. Yeah.
So Miracle Mile, that's yours, brother. You can take that home with you, take that recommendation and hopefully it will inspire you to love a movie based on my recommendation to you. I'm sure I will. I'm sure I will and I very much appreciate this and I will be checking it out and because it's a Blu-ray, I don't have to rewind it when I return it.
You just have to skip back. Skip back. You have to skip back.
But Pete, thanks so much for popping into the last video store and visiting me. Thanks for having me. I'm glad we had too many customers during... No, no, no. Quite vacant today. Our chat was not disrupted. As soon as you leave, I'll be sitting here twiddling my thongs for at least six more days until the next person pops in. But thanks so much, Pete.
You've got Rocky Horror happening right now in Sydney. What theatre? At the Theatre Royale, a beautiful Theatre Royale on King Street there. Audiences have been amazing, loving it.
And also, my tour has changed a little bit. Some of my Sydney dates have changed. We've been pushed back to July. So I'll be at the Shire, doing a show at the Shire, at the Comedy Store as well and Brisbane and Perth shows. Peter Halley gives zero flips. So I've loved it, doing in Adelaide and Newcastle and then Melbourne. So having a tiny break from that and then coming back in July, I think it is.
Well, you're one of my frickin' favourite comedians ever. So I'm so glad to see you on stage popping up and doing so many interesting things. You ain't seen nothing yet, the film podcast. So if you listen to this shit, you're gonna fucking love that.
So do both. And... Taskmaster season two.
Yes, yes, that will be out hopefully soon. Yeah, I'm dying to see it. Oh, it was so much fun.
So if you haven't seen Taskmaster, I highly recommend watching a series, the first Australian series or you can watch the British series. And watch it from the... Watch every episode from the start. I did a thing where I would just watch an episode when they were on Fox Save. I sat down, oh, Taskmaster, I'll just watch it. And it's always fun, but it's so much more fun when you watch it from the start.
You get the in-jokes and who's got strength and weaknesses in different areas. There's a lot of connective tissue between it all.
I can't wait to see you on it, man. When I heard you on it, I got so excited. I think it's gonna be so funny.
We had the best time. It was myself, Reece Nicholson, Concetta Cristo, Aaron Chan, and Mel Buttle. So it was a really fun lineup. All-star lineup.
Pete, thank you so much. Enjoy those weeklies. You can return them whenever you want. And you know what? I'm gonna pop it in the system. No late fees on this one in case he needs to borrow them a little longer. Thank you. And I respect that you're using the home keys as well. Yeah, I really typed them in there. There we go. No late fees. Yes, and you know what? We had such a great chat. I'm waving the old late fees as well. Oh, thank God. This has paid for itself.
What an absolute corker of an episode. Peter Hellion, one of my absolute favorite dudes to talk cinema with. And if you want to hear Pete talk more about movie, he does so all the time on his podcast, You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet, AKA YASNI is the acronym for that one. You can check out You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet on all your podcast apps like you do with this one. And I've been on it twice. I've talked about Dead Poets Society by the great Peter Weir and the Rocky Horror Picture Show. So if you want to hear me talk about those movies with Pete, you can do so immediately right now. Let's go through Pete's picks. You can find Past Lives.
I think it's on Binge. I swear I've seen it on there right now. I looked it up and I couldn't find it anywhere, but I've seen it on there.
And if not, you can buy the Blu-ray from importing it from overseas like I have personally. Back to the Future is on Stan, Paramount Plus, all that kind of stuff. And let me tell you where you can find Planes, Trains and Automobiles that the Lightful movie is on Binge. My recommendation to Pete was Miracle Mile, which you can rent on VOD from Apple Movies.
Thank you for watching or listening to the show. You can find us on YouTube or wherever you get your freaking podcast. And if I could ask a small favor of you, please give us five stars on Apple Podcasts or five stars on Spotify. And if you can leave a review or a comment, please tell me what you would want your video store rental combo to be. And I might give you a shout out on the show and give you a bespoke customized recommendation, just like I gave Peter Helle and all our other beautiful guests. Until next time, allow me to bid you good morrow, my dear friend. And may that morrow be filled with movies, cinema and films. |
cracked | why_a_human_resources_job_is_terrible_even_in_space_galactic_war_room | Okay, time to start the meeting. I wanted to start off by thanking all of you for your recommendations for the new staff position.
Why? You haven't used any of them? It's just that none of them have been exactly the right fit for what we're looking for.
My wreck literally ran a rebellion. Successfully. If anything, he's overqualified, just wants to join because he believes in the cause. And any rebellion would be lucky to have it. Like the one he successfully ran. Great, great job. Good wreck.
It's just that in terms of points of view being represented, we have an opportunity to hire a new person with a different point of view and perspective. Do I really have to spell it out for you, my entirely humanoid staff, in this galactic war? Oh, we have to hire an alien.
I'm not saying it. Oh, that's fine. But I'm not saying that. But we're going to. I didn't say that. And I would never say that.
Anyone has just as good a chance as anyone else is my official stance on this. So we could hire my war hero. Officially, theoretically. But... Okay, let's all take a look at these candidates that I've been selected based on completely arbitrary, just a random selection of candidates. Let's discuss.
Waste of time. Don't even know why I'm here. Me neither. I didn't actually ask you and I don't think you'd listen if I did.
If they're going to be any cute girls, alienoids are fine. My sexual tastes are quite...inclusive.
Gross. Please leave. Our first applicant. This is Abaddon Kent. Male. Yes. He was the project space manager on the space development project and lead space developer and project space management. Sounds like a pile of buttholes. Sounds like he could do my job. Don't worry, Benny.
You're irreplaceable. I'm a clone of my dead self.
That compliment is meaningless. We can't hire Shokushu anyway. What? We're the rebels. We shouldn't discriminate based on...
Shokushu constantly emit a gas that melts human eyeballs. I'd need to build a containment area for him. And Shokushu have seven genders, so we'd need seven bathrooms. That's going to use up most of all I have in terms of raw construction materials. If we hire Mr. Hent, we can't fix anything that might break between now and the end of the war.
Sounds like a pass from the group. Okay! Sir, there's something wrong with the picture. No. I did that.
How many bathrooms does he need? Only one! And it's just a room with a drain at the bottom because when he poops, it explodes out of him in all directions. Bathrooms come up in this conversation way more than I'd anticipated.
I really want to walk in a pile of buttholes here. I merely kind of want it to pass. I wish you'd leave.
I vote yes. I also vote no. Am I going to be a soul god for your rebellion? I meant to me, yo.
I'm unappressed worthy. Me nada makes the best of space of spaghetti. This feels offensive in some way. I don't feel great.
Pass. My father was betrayed and murdered by the authority and I vowed to seek revenge. It's pretty much something I'm good at as data entry, so... The only bathroom she'll need is a box full of dirt. Nobody asked about that. Well, that's where my brain goes now. His references are pretty strong. Her references. Oh. Pass.
Let's face it, we're not going to find any... Show me the cat one again.
This process is exhausting. Seriously, I'm sweating through my gills. Gills?
I'm an eighth squatterion on my pa's side. See? That counts! We have an alien! Ayla, tell your war buddy friend they're hired.
I don't care. Well, that's the day then. Well, that doesn't feel great. Feeling kind of exploited, honestly.
Those are some nice gills, girl. Damn. Nice.
I'm going to get it. I'm going to get it good. |
cracked | what_this_professor_says_will_blow_your_mind | Professor Scott Bug is the current Vice Learn Fellow in charge of space at the Cosmolarium of Wiese Shrupshire Brook in London on Hildredge, Utah. Bug got his start in education by walking into classrooms and speaking until escorted out. He has five degrees in remedial advanced and two in just science. Professor Bug recently received the Jeff Award for discovering the two best moons of Titan. Both are named after him, so Scott and Scott. I've also received many other more prestigious and well-known awards for discovering those moons. Not just the Jeff. I'm Professor Scott Bug, and in this lecture series, I will tell you literally everything we know.
It's going to be tough, but we're going to give it a try. Now, there are almost too many things to be said about so many things. I say almost too many things because we have not yet reached the maybe limit, which is the theoretical number of things to be said about all the stuff. Now, at last calculation, there were approximately 12.7 million, billion, billion, lot of bits of things to be said about all the stuff so far. Now, that's just about the things that we've already found.
A number that grows at the speed of science. So, you know, varyingly varied speeds.
Now, once the limit is reached, no idea. Is the limit somewhere else? Don't even ask. Is there not even a limit?
I just thought that. That would be crazy, because then...
So, if there's no... Okay, if there's no...
You can... As many things as... Because then where would it go? Where would it be instead if it's not there? Then what is it? Nothing? What does that mean? There's a lot of things to be said about this amazing new question that you are all here to hear for the first time of anyone on Earth. So, you're welcome for that.
But there's no time I've got more of these to do. I'm going to do more of these, then I'm going to go have some funks about that.
But first, everything we know is a toughie. Just think about this. In just this second, or that second, there are 48 more bits of things to be said about the galaxy that's shaped like an A-OK alone. There's theoretically 76 more more bits of things to be said if it turns out the galaxy is actually shaped like the whole of a butt. We just don't know. Not to mention the millions of lot of bits of things to say about what's within the A-OK galaxy. Stars, cantaloupe, and that's it. How is that possible? We just don't know.
Wherever you go, there's just more stuff like it. And then you look over and you're like, there's more! There's just more stuff everywhere, all over the place, for us to discover.
So hopefully I can get to it all. They've given me the room for 72 hours. Now, you're all going to stick around, but I'll see you the next however many times we do this. Well, for more videos like that, and also a little smarter. And be sure to leave a comment also.
Tell me what you want to hear Scott Bug talk about next. He can talk about literally anything. So, sound off. He cannot talk about sound. |
TheOnion | Popular_Children_s_Book_Author_Reveals_The_Spooky_Truth_About_Creepy_Conspiracy_Theories | If you're a parent, chances are you know all about the Spooky Truth books, with subjects ranging from shadowy fraternal organizations to mind-controlling TV shows. Kids can't get enough of this series of short, scary children's novels. And Spooky Truth author K.L. Graves is joining us this morning to talk about his latest book, Night of the Brainwashed Babysitter.
Thanks for joining us this morning. Thanks for having me.
Now, my kids just love these books. Tell us about this new one. Well, sure, I'd love to.
It picks up right at the end of the last book, where Henry's parents just left, and his babysitter, Kelly, starts acting creepy and a little strange. Mmm, sounds scary. Yes. If you scratch beneath the surface, Jim, you'll see that the reason Kelly turns evil is because her mind is being twisted by subliminal messages that she is receiving through the news. Oh, I'm hooked already. And the question is, will Henry be able to rescue his brother and sister from the secret society of Illuminati scumbags who are really pulling the strings? Uh, no spoilers here. Now, in just four years, you've put out 25 books. It came from Tower 7, Curse of the Chemtrails, The Zionist Who Cried Holocaust.
Tell me, where do you come up with all these spooky ideas? Yeah, I find, and I tell this to kids all the time, that if you look close enough, the spooky truth is everywhere. And once you see it, you can't stop seeing it. It's all around you. Everything's connected. So what you're saying is that a lot of your stories are related to real life. That's what makes them spooky.
Now this stuff has really been catching on. Over 40 million copies sold. So many best sellers out there. I've been thrilled. Before this series, I was self-publishing pamphlets and handing them out on the train. Now I get emails from teachers and parents all the time telling me that my books are all their kids can talk about. Well, it's true.
My son used to hate to read. Now he's holed up in the basement with these spooky truth books all day and night. Says he never watches TV, doesn't even want tap water anymore. He just loves reading so much.
My message to kids is that pulling the curtain back on what the government doesn't want us to know can be fun. Well, it is certainly working. We hear stories all the time of kids decorating their rooms with plots and characters from the stories. There's even a growing fan base, as you well know, on the internet who call themselves the spooky truthers. And they talk all day long about your storylines on their message boards. Well, some fans have sent him some questions.
Let's have a look. Hey, my name's Erin. And my question is, what is your favorite spooky truth book? That's a tough question. I think I'd have to go with The Secret of the Bohemian Grove, which is about how the richest Republicans use a giant owl statue to pick the next president. Wow. Yeah, I really had fun writing that one. Hi, I'm Sophia and I'm from Arizona. Spooky truth. Lots of gulags in the Southwest. Really? Look it up.
What advice do you have for someone who wants to be a writer? Well, write what you know.
And I always say, drop out of school. They're just filling your head with lies.
Wow. I like the books a lot. Sometimes I stay up the whole night reading.
Is there really a president that tried to assassinate over 60 people? President Clinton. Whoa. Sixty-two execution warrants.
It's a fact. Well, parents and kids at home, you're lucky because K.L. Graves is going to give us a sneak peek of the new book he's working on right now called My Teacher is a Zombie When It Comes to Trusting the Media. Oh, I can't wait for that.
Lauren was scared. She had never been called in for detention at her old school. She could hear Miss Casey's footsteps coming closer and her heart started racing. She knew the Jews were building mass graves for the new world order. She knew the president was a descendant of the lizards from the Draco constellation. But why did Miss Casey get so angry when Lauren told her class about it? Unless the teacher was herself a lizard woman. And now Miss Casey was getting even closer.
Thanks to K.L. Graves for joining us today. The Spooky Truth books are available at bookstores and libraries everywhere. Yeah, don't use the libraries. They track what you read. When we come back, how to compliment high school kids without coming across like you're hitting on them. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Arj_Evicting_Babies_Elon_Carrying_On_Taylor_s_New_Album_And_Gilet_Wearing_Ute_ | My name's Clancy Overill, joined by iterate large, Errol Parker, taxpayer and Wendell Hussey. Tax receiver.
I pay a little bit, I pay a couple of thousand dollars a year, not to be sniffed at. How much is your knee going to cost us this time around? The taxpayer. Yep, going back through the public system.
Oh no, my knee. No, no, no, no, it's on my. My knee quaking. My knee quakes. My knee hurts.
Errol, I'm actually still on my family's private healthcare plan, so it'll be all good. So yeah, there'll be some costs I guess. Yeah, I bet you know how to tie a tie in the dark, don't you? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Private schoolboys on their bloody parents, bloody private healthcare. 34 years of age.
Get off the boob, mate. Get off the boob.
No, better that, you know, we're paying for it than bloody taxpayers, you know what I mean? Like we're paying our own way, so. Yeah, sure. I don't know why I'm getting sledged about that.
Speaking of annoying man babies, or in fact real babies, what's in the news this week? Well, we'll start off with one about, sorry about both. George Barker has asked a baby crying at a local dawn service to be removed. Very controversial. Yes, the international comedian, emphasising international because his accent is American, who has been touring Australia for so long he now attends Anzac Day services in his local community, which isn't in Australia, unofficially, but kind of is, reportedly asked a young mother to remove herself from Thursday's dawn service. The consternation comes after the Culture Wars machine went into overdrive this week, following Barker's decision to evict a mother from his comedy show in Melbourne. Claiming that comedy shows are not the right place for babies, it appears though that Barker has now laid out some more ground rules on where it is acceptable for a young mother to take her bub. Mmm, definitely not the dawn service.
According to Arge. Well, you don't want a crying baby during the last post, and I can sympathise, when you are a master of your craft, like Arge Barker, and the whole room depends on the tension that you're creating with that microphone in hand, a crying baby can ruin that. Well, that's what he said. He said the president of the sub-branch of the RSL was trying to hit his beats in the speech and the crying baby was disrupting.
So all the dogs, all the dogs yipping and yapping and carrying on and biting at people's heels at the dawn service. You can't bring your dog to a dawn service.
Well, I'll tell you what Clancy, plenty of them do. I just hope it works out for the American Jamoan. He will be fine. He lives nicely on the mid north coast. Good press for an Australian comedian. Well, there you go. People are still going to Arge Barker shows. It happened on his last show of the comedy run, so how annoying. Goes out with a bang and then all of the, just everyone will remember. And then he gets a Stan special. Off the back of this. Good for him. Now, we've got a bit of an international story and there's been some shock this week as another South African poon shows very little respect for the Australian public. Yes.
Elon Musk, a polarizing African American entrepreneur and owner of the publishing website X is under fire this week for criticizing a request from the Australian government to take down a video from his website. The East safety commissioner or as must describe, so the East safety commissar asked Twitter or X to take down the video of a recent knife attack in Sydney. The government has fears. The video is helping spread misinformation regarding terror incidents as a new, as the new South Wales have deemed it.
Yeah, yeah. I know rather than simply getting his platform to take down the graphic video, the South African egotist has dog is Hills in and to has been a stormed the South African egotist has dog in his Hills and made a fool of himself in the Australian media. Yes. Following in the footsteps of outgoing Woolworths CEO, Brad Baducci, is that how you say it? Anyway, Musk has tried to lecture Australians to a similar result. It's believed he's currently in the process of learning what Johnny Depp, Novak Djokovic and Frank Sinatra did, which is the Australians enjoy making life hard for famous people from overseas. Yeah. Well look, fair enough.
You're taking down videos of extreme violence on the internet and the next day you're in a fascist state where people can't think about anything, they can't speak out, they can't do anything. So it's freedom of speech. It's an attack on freedom of speech. And I think this all started, the rot started with Prime Minister John Gorton in 1970 when he created the Australian Classifications Board. The moment they brought MA15 plus and R18 plus into the mix, our freedom of speech was greatly hindered and it actually has been an ongoing attack ever since.
That's a great point, Clancy. That's where it started. Quite actually, a lot longer descent than you expect, right? But it goes rapid down here.
Which is ironic considering he destroyed his marriage by cheating.
I know. Well that's what all good Christians do. Well that's why he needed the classifications because he was tempted by the Skinnamax movies. What I have done is R-rated. Yeah baby, yeah! When I travel and I stay in hotels, I always turn on the TV and one of those blue movies is playing and gave me some horrible ideas and it ruined my life. Very nice!
Now, we're finishing up, not finishing up, sorry, our next story is a headline that reads like this. What is this shit?
Says local woman before realising it's the new Taylor Swift, probably our most controversial story of recent times. Yes, a story that has resulted in multiple death threats and foiled low-tech terrorism attacks on the Petuta Advocate newsroom. A city worker has had her commute home this week ruined after tuning in to the local Top 40 FM station and not liking what she heard. Through a soft wobble of synthesizers and a drum machine, the 35-year-old account executive's attention was diverted from the meandering Volkswagen in front of her and towards the lyrics on the radio. Yes, this local woman, Meredith, said she initially thought she stumbled across something, you know, some new up-and-comer on Triple J's Unearthed. Or maybe one of those Christian rock stations, but she soon learned that the quote-unquote awful garbage she found herself listening to is actually one of the most successful artists in the world.
So there you go. Tall Poppy Syndrome, people just want to bring Tay-Tay down. It's just, it's sexism, misogyny and every other non-geny. Yeah, all that sort of stuff. Finally, homogeny. Oh!
There it is, a city man who moves spreadsheet columns for a living has decided to purchase himself a new turbo dickhead injection ute. Yes, a gillet-wearing man who works in our town's business district has today wowed friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances with the purchase of a big shiny new ute that goes vroom, vroom.
Look, outside of Queensland, that word is actually pronounced gill-ay, Clancy, but, uh. I didn't see the little dash above the E, so. Anyway, look, that's right. Anyway, look. May as well be a razor, mate.
So you're telling me it's Matt Gillett, he played Origin? No, it's Matt Gillett that played Origin, but the jacket is called a gill-ay. Gillett, sounds nice.
Yeah, that's what, mate, I can tell you don't spend much time down the French Quarter, that's for sure. Anyway, the man who's had a job he can't really explain to any of his friends from school has finally got his hands on a brand spanking new TDI glamorock, which of course stands for turbo dickhead injection. Well, he admitted he probably won't get as much use out of the vehicle as, say, a tradesman or the like.
He'll be very handy when he needs to move or goes camping out bush, as he likes to call it. Yeah, it's the great outdoors. Going out, going outside. Get off that barge to Morton and just camp on the sand. Get out of the rat race. Go up to Fraser Island, feed some wild dogs with your hand, with your kids running around, you know. Throw a hot chook near other people's campsites. Here you go, doggy, here's a half-eaten chook I brought in from Harvey Bay Coles. Hey, doggy, you should get used to just eating things that are in and around campsites.
Anyway, that's enough from us this week. Thank you for listening to the Batutah Weekly Bulletin. We hope you are enjoying the seasonal affected disorder that is currently gripping the nation. Yeah, I hope you've taken the mega-holiday to Easter, into Anzac Day, just, you know, harming the economy one holiday at a time. We've got actually Queensland and only Queensland has Labor Day coming up too, so if you are a pro, you've probably stretched it out to that one. I always tell myself I'll land for next year and I never do, I don't know why I'm here. Anyway, that's enough from us. Hooroo. |
dropout | drawcast_funtimes | It's kind of sort of a commemoration of the middle of the scene and stuff. So this is live? I believe so. This is live on YouTube right now. Live on YouTube. We are live on YouTube. No one is watching. Absolutely. Is anyone watching? Yeah, you'll start to see comments streaming here.
Yeah. All right. Pretty soon. People can only see me. Yeah. But Caldwell.
They can hear me. He's over there. They can hear both of us because the mic is wide. She's got the mic picking up too. Yeah, it's picking up. This mic is picking up. No, that mic, I guess, is picking up.
Yeah, should we maybe center this thing a little more?
Yeah. I know. It's probably picking up my mic now since it's sharing my screen. I know. I believe. That's something we're going to have to figure.
I don't know if anyone's watching. I don't want to be good until anyone's watching.
Yeah, exactly. You know what I want to do? Don't frigging waste it.
I want to invite some people who are in our circles. Okay. Who's in our circle?
We're going to want to grab Simon Pegg. Simon Pegg.
Chris Maloney. Mm-hmm.
The Webby Award. All these people are going to watch this. These people are going to watch this. We're going to win a Webby.
Do we? Someone here makes friends with people who are in college. There should be pigeons. Do they roll over to the grocery? Ah, I guess. It's probably someone's job. Who does that? Steve?
Well, anyway, what are you drawing? Call home to draw a cast. Oh, 10 viewers. All right. Now it's clicking. Hey, guys. So call home. What are you drawing? You're waiting to get things set up. And I started drawing. A lot of times, I'm just kind of left on devices. Pick a shade and go from there.
Can you guys hear call home? I believe you can leave comments on YouTube itself and even on Google+. So let's see if there's any comments. Like, Chris, can you hear me? Stop it over there. Like, can I get those comments again?
Go to YouTube. YouTube.com.
Yeah. Check our website. Can you check us? Now we have our actual. Guys, I'm so sorry to the 10 viewers who are watching this. I swear to God, we're going to get in front of you.
You keep drawing.
We're going to get to the bottom of getting this two-way communication going. The other cabinet.
Here?
The other one. Oh, God. One that we've not seen.
There's nothing picking up over here. Usually, you can hear. Here, there'd be comments. Yeah. Well, we'll leave some comments and we'll see if they show up there. These 14 down to 12 people, they're not leaving any comments.
All right. So, Caldwell, what are you drawing here? I'm done with that. That's over. Yeah. We're moving on.
What's going on? Do you already know, in your mind, what this is going to be? What you're drawing right now?
I don't know anything.
But you don't know what that's going to end up looking like? No. I'm just going to go with it. So, do you have to plan ahead when you draw? No.
I'm doing doodles. I just kind of. And this is a doodle? Yeah. Isn't that crazy that this is a doodle?
It's not. It's pretty good so far. It could be better. It's still, at this stage, it's already better than anything I've ever drawn in, I would say. It has more personality.
Right. You've done a lot with just a little bit there. So, now what do you think? Give me some insight into your thought process. While I'm doing this. Yeah.
And again, if anyone has any comments and wants to maybe you can hear me, maybe you can do it all well. I would love to hear if people can hear us. It says we muted Caldwell.
Uh-oh. Well, both of them are playing. So, they'll be able to hear one of you. All right. Oh, that's true. We're right next to each other. Fantastic. So, now we've got 11 people. Oh, wait.
I see a group chat window. What's going on? Where'd that go? Group chat?
Is this it? Right here. All right. So, I am pretty excited because there's a lot of fun things you can do with Google Hangout. To list all available commands slash question mark. Let's start there. All right.
I'm mute. Nothing really happened.
Let's keep under the hood. Yeah. All right. I'm going to Google effects. Okay. This is incredible. I know there's only 10 or 12 people watching. But guys, you are in for what is almost certainly going to be the highlight of the drawcast, which is me opening up the Google effects app and get ready for it. Just hold on. Yeah. I can't wait. One second. And boom.
Fake mustache. I have a little bit of stuff. Also, the fake mustache maybe isn't like the effect I was looking for. Does it just kind of track to your face?
Yeah. Look. And this is free. This is free. I'd pay $1,000 for that. And it's free. It's fantastic. All right.
So, I want to put the scuba mask on. I want to go down the street to the Google office. And you can put the scuba mask and the mustache on at the same time.
Well, yeah. I mean, we're considering all realities here. All possibilities.
We don't know. What's going on over there?
I'm giving him boots. No arms, though. Well, not yet. Sorry. I got a little out of the game.
So, let's finish that one up. And then I think we're going to go to the hats. And you're going to find out what going to the hats means right after we finish this up. Popularized in the early 20s, the phrase going to the hats. Going to the hats is going to be our catchphrase.
I believe so. I hope so.
Okay. Belt. Oh, that's cool.
So, now do you know? At what point do you know what's happening? At what point do you have the character in it right now?
I think I know. I feel it. At what point is it clear to you what it's going to look like? I think. At what point in this drawing specifically? Well, I thought it was clear, but then look. I just came here. Oh, yeah.
So, it's never clear, man. There's always so many possibilities.
I'm going to switch from the snorkel to the glasses. I like it. The double glasses? No, it's just like sunglasses.
Okay. This guy's down. Just over here. So, wide the three fingers instead of two. I'm fascinated by like every little decision you make. I don't want it to be simple. You need thumbs so he can like tie his shoes? Yeah. Got little laces here. Sorry to draw laces. Very intensely. Cool.
And what's going on with this guy? Like you have a backstory for him in mind as you're drawing him? Yeah, he's like a little imp. Yeah. He's not fire friendly. He seems friendly. He's like he'll show you the way. But you know what? He also seems a little a little tragic because his head's on fire. You know how he's like maybe that's not his natural predisposition. A lot of creating a world here.
Do you? I know you do. What? Well, you draw with like you're just like I'm watching like zoom around this shit. Yeah. And just like can I curse on a Google Hangout? It takes, it rips off the fake mustache. I know. You don't deserve this. But I know you still draw with like pen and paper. Yeah.
Why don't you zoom around this and like. What do you thought?
Is it hard to go back to pen and paper? I tried relief to draw with pen and paper over the weekend.
And it was like such a, it was such a struggle. I've gotten so bad at it. And like, I got like so frustrated.
I was drawing and I wanted, I just like was like being like very loose and fast. Like I would be on a computer. And I looked down and it was just not one to one. So the computer likes to be looser and faster.
You kind of think it would be the opposite. It would be a little less natural. It seems like it would be a little more sexual and just do whatever.
My process when I draw on a computer is like very like back and forth. It's kind of like, you know, draw something, erase something, draw something, erase something. So you're kind of like sculpting almost as opposed to like a pencil. You need to be a little more deliberate with your own logic, I think.
It's cool. Well, are you done with this? I'm ready. It's halftime. It's ready.
Can you check in on our YouTube?
I don't know what that means. I just legitimately have no idea what you're talking about. I thought about it after I said it and I realized that it doesn't mean a thing.
There are up to three or four viewers. Do not adjust your sets. I just grown a mustache. Hold on. Let's switch it up to the monocle. I cannot stress this enough, guys.
It is totally free to broadcast yourself to the entire internet. And you can add novelty mustaches and monocles. This is free. I'm trying to find it on here so that I can find myself. They're just giving this away.
I bet there's so much. I bet there's like millions and millions. Because it's like tracking my face as I move with the monocle. And it's not perfect, but it's huge. How much tech do you think is going into this? I mean, I bet it's like... I think it's...
Well, now it's not. Well, there it goes.
It readjusted millions. I mean, I think like billions of times. I mean, it depends how deep you want to go.
We're broadcasting on the internet and all that. Sure, sure, sure. Just like the mustache. Drawcast Fun Times, live now. Oh, look. Now I'm...
Oh, there's comments. There's comments? Yeah, people are...
Oh, the fake mustache... You didn't even know. The fake mustache panel was blocking me.
It was blocking all the comments. No, no, these are the YouTube comments. You got to go to the YouTube page. What if I hit chat here? You got to go to the YouTube. Dad, that's all... Surely I can get the comments here. No, that's good because those are the Google Plus comments.
All right, how do I get that? What is the address? You got to just go to...
Wait, hold on. I aim it to you. Are you on IM? Hello, from Greece. Are you on American Instant Wrestling? Hold on, hold on. I'm going to...
I got him.
I don't know what is going on with this computer.
I saw what you did. I'm going to go to YouTube, search College Humor. There it is. Where? Right there. I'm going to keep drawing. Wait, where? College Humor.
I'll just click on it. Oh, and then it's under there. I was like, I saw what you did, and then I immediately... It was kind of hidden, though, so I had to like... Because that's only recent uploads, so maybe like go to like videos?
I want this to work so badly. What was that address again? I'm literally, just to give you an idea... I'll post it. This is going to be the worst thing ever broadcast over a camera. I want you to read me the YouTube address later by later. No, refuse. That's like the end of broadcast as a theory. It's just like someone reading the YouTube letter address. Hold on. I'll just post it in the... No, no, no. Go back. I'll just type. I'll just post it in the Google chat.
In the group chat. It's in the group chat. Everyone can find it and watch it on YouTube now. It's in the group chat.
Oh, someone said something. Oh, it's you. It was me. All right. Somebody said... I saw that real quickly.
I'm going to draw him, but... No, no, no. We don't have time. We got to go to the hats. It's just a shadow. I'm really going to go into the hats.
All right. Well, I'm going to draw what he looked like if he wasn't a shadow. Hold on. Safari's freaking out. Oh, god. Oh. All right.
This is the live video. I've got YouTube open. I'm looking at the chat. Can we like request drawings? Is this the live video channel?
I shouldn't be laughing at that. You got me.
I'm hungry. Yeah. No one is watching. Jesus. All right.
I'm not going to get caught in the trap of just reading these, but we'll try to catch out. Guys, are you even reading the YouTube comments? Now we're back. We're reading the YouTube comments. Let's go to the hats.
What are you drawing? What is that? What happened over there?
This is what Mr. Gamer Watch looks like underneath the shadow. He's covered in eyes. He looks like a Power Ranger monster.
Yeah. Get the hats. Save me for myself. Here's what we've done here. We have walked around and asked the college humor staff, well, first thing we did, we found two hats. Yes. Please explain the whole backstory. Well, you know, obviously we all have to get to work in the morning, so we set our alarms. All right. And we filled one hat with suggestions for adjectives and one hat with suggestions for nouns. And we're going to just kind of reach in, pick two out, and mix them up, and Carl was going to draw them.
And that might be terrible. That might be fun.
You want to see how it goes? Are you me? Yeah. I mean, well, do you want to see how it goes? Yes, I want to see how it goes. Do you want to see how it goes? I mean, I would be doing this if I wasn't in the air.
All right. I'm taking an adjective. Oh, good idea. All right. Let's see what we got. All right. You read the adjective first, I guess. Drippy. Trippy Teddy Roosevelt. All right. So let's see. Ding, ding, ding. Let's see a drippy Teddy Roosevelt. Okay.
And in the meanwhile, I'll check in on the comments. And you know what's going to come. I'm going to draw the one that I assume is Teddy Roosevelt. Let's see what's going on there. Draw a camel. Shout out to your monocle.
Wait. Is that a YouTube user? Yeah. I don't know if new ones are on the top. Oh, yeah. Okay.
Teddy Roosevelt is a great president choice, because he's got that distinctive. He's got a distinctive look.
Okay. So there's got to be a better way to upkeep these comments.
Echo, echo. We're echoing. Why are we echoing? We are? I thought we turned off the thing. Hmm. I don't know why we're echoing.
Maybe if I just announce it to the world, someone will figure it out. Mine is muted here. Oh. Hold on. Wait. Your microphone unmuted. You're muted. My time is on. I'm good to go. Is this one on? Oh. I don't know what's going on.
I just like sat down here and someone said they'd be drawn. That might be from a while ago. Someone said I could play my hat game if I hadn't sat here for an hour.
So how are you interpreting drippy? He doesn't look drippy. That's not what I think when I see drippy. Oh, he's not drippy yet. What does his hair look like?
I think I'm going with a hat, you know? Which hat? Is it a farty hat?
Yeah, kind of. Yeah. Okay.
Teddy Roosevelt's pretty cool. I'm going to draw him. He's pretty cool. He's a rough rider. I'm going to draw him drippy in the way that the bad senator from XM1 was drippy. So literally his molecules are drippy.
Yeah. I think everyone gets my reference when I say that. I think that's a part of the move. People really remember that part of XM1. Yeah. It's serious business. That's a well-remembered part of the move.
I like how he looks like Teddy Roosevelt. He looks like our nation's greatest president, but also like Dr. Robotnik a little bit.
Yeah. Just enough. I feel like most of my drawings of fat men end up looking like Dr. Robotnik. Okay.
Thank you for the echo. I'm hearing reports that there is no echo, and then you guys are yanking my crank.
Mm-hmm. And I'll lie with this once. Ha!
One crank. Put it on the screen. You got one crank, yank. But after this, we're getting serious. One crank.
Okay. So Teddy Roosevelt is kind of blobbish. He's dripping, man. Okay. He's dripping big time.
Yeah. I see what's happening here. You know what he looks like is those like lob creatures that live underground in duck tails. You know? They're like... Wait. In the video game duck tails or in the show? Both. Both, my man. I'm trying to remember those guys. I feel like I should. You know what?
I'm going to switch up my... What we're trying to do here. We, you know, we may be doing this for 12 hours straight soon, and I'm like... Somebody asking how long we're doing this?
I think I can play with the monocle thing for like eight straight hours. I'm like, not get tired of it. So everyone can look forward to that. I'm just picturing him like, I would see the original Ralph Reiner!
And he's just slowly melting. He's a bad team. Well, it looks like he has some control over it. I think he's like slow to melt. Yeah, like it feels like his body is still somewhat together.
Definitely presidential. Like, this is somebody's fetish. He has like a little more control than the senator did. Sure. It's a little more job alike. That's true.
Still, that is a dreamy... Still dreamy.
So, I'm getting a beach ball. God, I hope this is broadcasting. That's probably gonna be a bit... If we're doing this for ourselves, that is particularly sad. Like, just the idea that I'm doing this. It's just the idea that I would sit here drawing things.
They want man moves. Well, man moves.
You know what? I think we can give them that. So... Yeah, we gotta give them that.
You know, what we should do is, we're going to go to the hats one more time. You better believe we're going to keep going to the hats.
Yeah. Let's get some adjectives and some nouns from the audience, too. Oh, I like that. And then, like, they'll come in kind of mixed up and, like, maybe we'll just read you back together, back to back. People just, like, start spewing adjectives and nouns. But only one or the other. Yeah. Each message, only an adjective or a noun.
You cannot do both or it will be disregarded. And you know what? Right out of the Google Hangout. I told you, no more yanking. And this is what I meant.
He's wearing a monocle, for God's sakes. He's important. He was. You got downgraded.
Just to recap, what we are doing is we have two hats full of adjectives and nouns. We're pulling out two, matching them up. Yeah. Called Well is going to draw whatever random phrase comes out of the hat. Now we're asking for suggestions for you guys.
And we'll see. Maybe we'll draw something. We know a lot of people on the internet. We will get you straight kicked. Hey, draw something.
That's a... I like it. It's a thing.
All right. Let me at them. Let me at them now. All right.
Let's do that and then I'll figure out where the comments went. Because I lost them again. I'm going to put my face in here so people can see me.
Okay. A brief second. That is... What'd you do? Ooh, I got a good one. Okay. I have sad...
Office full of writers.
Ready?
Sad was the adjective we came up with. Sad banana. That sounds like a production company. It's like you'd see it at the end of like an adult swim show. Sad banana. But you know what it works out makes me sad.
He does. It's going to be a lot of fun. Why is he sad though? That's the real question. So... We're all about back story.
We're having fun. We're having fun dropping adjectives. Doesn't it seem like it would be fun for you? Maybe we're already doing it.
I lost... I can't believe I lost the goddamn comments. What happened here?
Go back to YouTube. Oh, did you switch to... Oh, here they go. We got like four YouTube windows open.
That's fair. Okay. Uh... Okay.
We're getting some. Proper nouns?
What do you think? I think proper... I think...
We did Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah. Totally. Only the most proper though. Don't just say like Ted. Okay, so... Say Ted from the movie Ted.
They're coming in. So, Paul Caldwell is drawing a sad banana. I'm going to read through some suggestions out loud. Let's see what we can get.
Explosive euphoric.
Nicholas Cage. Whoa. Euphoric Nicholas Cage isn't bad. That's just him in general. Frustrated Channing Tatum.
I like that. Greasy Peter Dinklage. That's pretty good. I can do any of these.
These are good. That's a good one.
Dude, you got to draw faster. I'm... They asked me to draw a sad banana, not like, you know, a melancholy banana.
It's weird though. I keep scrolling down and like there are old comments there. Or maybe it's the top of the new ones. I feel like such a fucking old person right now. What's not your fault? YouTube changes its shiz like every...
I cannot. Every other day. Pterodactyl.
No Nicholas Cage. No! Do not.
Nicky from Jake and Amish. Oh Jake and Amish.
I kind of attempted to pronounce it incorrectly. Whoa! I just looked up at the banana. It is super sad. That banana is bumming me out, man. You like really went to a dark place on the banana. I'm not done. Oh my god. I thought he'd just be like frowning. The banana's killing me.
Why is he so sad? Oh, that's why I fucked him. He's like dressed kind of nice. His whole head is a banana. Is his body just a human body? He's a banana man. So his body's a human body. Yeah. Well like no, he's just a banana man. Oh my god. What is it that's making him sad?
I think it's like the brow. The brow. Yeah. And this like, this... I wanted to point like the scrunching around his hand.
Like I'm really getting a sense. I'm having so much fun.
Maybe someone's gonna eat him. Yeah, no, he's drinking. Maybe his wife got eaten.
That's the harsh reality of this world. Yeah, maybe. Is he married to a banana? Oh, that's a good point. I feel like maybe...
He could be married to like an apple. What if he got his wife was an apple, but like society doesn't... Society doesn't prove it.
Yeah, and they frickin' lynched his wife. Oh my god, that is dark. This is bad news. This is the world. Uh, that is crazy. Oh my god. That thing is bummin' me out.
Wait, do we have a new topic yet? Alright, so... I'm gonna finish up this banana. I read off a few good ones. I honestly don't remember.
Greasy Peter Dinklage. Greasy Dink was on the list.
Emotional Pterodactyl. And I gave you four at Nicolas Cage. Maybe we can choose one of those.
I like...
What kind of Pterodactyl was it?
Emotional.
Erm, that's, that's good. But I like greasy Peter Dinklage. That's too crazy Peter Dinklage.
Maybe he can be eating some pizza or something? Yeah. I was flattin'... What kind of greasy, is he like a teen? Ah yeah. I think he's just like real... Just... You know, he's real oiled up, real asivious. Yeah. That'll be fun. You know what's kinda fun, is Peter Dinklage. Yeah. Erm, there's been a lot of us have seen him on the street, but an I get a lot of distinguished badks. Oh man it's great.
I remember I saw him, and first I was like staring at him because he has a really cool dog. He has the coolest dog. He's like a direwolf. And I was like staring at his dog. He has a direwolf.
Yeah. And I was just like staring at his dog and then I saw who it was and then I felt bad because he probably thought I was just staring at him. Yeah. I mean, he's just the best. Alright. Well, I'm almost done with this drawing. So, yeah.
Let's move on. I don't want to talk about how we're all stalking. It's good to think of it anymore. I have one last detail.
Do it.
Oh, no. Okay. Done. This is life. Alright.
So, what's up next?
Greasy Dink. Yeah. Greasy Dink. Can you pull up a picture of the Dink man for me?
What if I just shapeshifted? A warg. I've just been waiting to reveal my shapeshifting. I have a surprise for you. And for you and the whole internet. I'm sure. That's why you were so eager to do this drawcast. Reveal my shapeshifting. I find my shapeshifting. My secret. The world will know. I'm going to pick a nice Lannister rat.
Boy, we are using a lot of bandwidth right now. We're sucking it up.
The fake mustache. There's like four... The fake render time on that. There's 1.3 gigaflops just wording non-steps. There's a guy at Google whose job is just... He's not tracking you or the mustache. He's doing the render farm for your mustache.
Right. So, I kind of know like a second ago. Are you trying to load a dink for me? Yeah, yeah. The computer's just going to load. We're loading up some dink.
Meantime, let's see what's going on in the chat room. Let's see. Yeah, dive in there. Let's see what's happening. What's everyone talking about?
If you read this, they look like Cage is gay. Oh, man. Whoa.
Oh, no. Sorry, Nick. I'm so sorry. I did what I could. Actually, Mrs. Cage, I apologize.
So many requests for penises. I don't know why I didn't anticipate that. It's the only thing anyone wants to see drawn. Does that happen a lot when you do these? Yeah. That's like just a standard feature. Well, it's more like... What happens is I do draw the penises. That's bad, because I'm actually putting it up. If you read this, you are gay. Does that mean I'm getting the person who wrote it in? I think it's like a virus.
Who is drawing this? People don't even know who's drawing it. The person who's drawing it is, of course, called...
Well, this is like 30 seconds behind. That's OK. So you're not going to wait for a minute on this radio. But Caldwell, in fact, I'm not completely positive this link's boarding at you. To be honest, I think it would just be the same. If I can see the green light, then I think I'm just going to... Hey.
Hey, I want to draw you pictures. I want to draw you pictures, Internet.
So this is Caldwell. He draws a great deal of the wonderful illustrations you see featured on our website. I don't draw all of them. I said some of them. I left some room for Nathan to be drawing stuff, too.
He's working on it. You can hear him. He may or may not be pointing at you. Yeah, I can hear you, man.
So... Yeah, no, I didn't say all. So...
Draw a bear with an erection. This has not had so many penis requests. All anyone wants to see is penises and a mirror. A mirror's not in the office right now, so... It's actually more feasible for us to draw a penis.
Oh, he's got that little, like... There we go, that's what you mean. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, he needs... Well, the thing is, I'm wondering how you're going to make Peter Dinklage greasy, because he's a, like, Tyrion, you know, the character he's looking for. Yeah. He's a little greasy, like everyone's a little greasy in, like, a medieval kind of way. But even so, he's, like, a little slimy. That's kind of what makes him fun. Right. So, I'm interested in seeing how you kind of accentuate that and make him even greasier than Tyrion. Yeah. I feel like that beard's a good way to start. Yeah. And it does... It also depends on, like, what we're defining greasy as. Yeah, yeah. I'm kind of loosely taking it to mean... Are you giving him a little hair thing there? Yeah.
He's got greasy hair. Let's get that hair... Let's get that sheen.
How much time do you spend drawing? It's most of your waking hours, right?
Yeah. True. How much, you know... I would say most... Like, more than 50% of the time you're awake, you're awake. Yeah.
And if I'm not... I mean, at least, like, have, like, a pin in my hand, like, pretending to draw.
So, how many hours a day? Like, a week, do you say you draw? How many hours are in a week? Was that, like, 24 in a day?
Yeah. 48 is... 96 is... Just say, like, 110. 110? Is that right? Yeah, like, 100 plus. If it was an RPG, I would beat it very quickly.
So... This is... Oh, this is actually... I'm pleased that how this is coming out. All right, so...
What's the greasiest food? Pizza. All right. It's also the best food.
That's, like, highly correlated. Highly correlated.
I think I've got... I think I've got an idea.
What... Paul, what's going on with you and pizza right now? What's, like, the most recent... Oh, man.
I went to Franny's. You went to Franny's, the new one? I did go to Franny's. I went to Franny's, too.
What'd you think? I loved it. It was, like... Have you been to the old one? No.
To Franny's, guys. Franny's is one of the best pizzerias in New York. It's really legit. It's, like, a nice restaurant dinner.
You get Neapolitan pizzas that are, like, I don't know, 18-inch or something. They're, like, a little personal pizza for just you. Not, like, a big eight-sliced pizza.
Like, you're splitting with the baseball team after the big game. The baseball team! I can't really sound like I'm supposed to be saying baseball. The baseball team!
And it's... So, what kind of pizza do you have? So, I had the... We got two. What'd you get? The standard kind of, like, one with meatballs on it.
Uh-huh. It was awesome. And then we got one with, like, some Italian meat that I can't remember. Mm-hmm. Spring onions. It was on there. Ooh, was it good? It was very good. Uh, it was, like, it came, and it's, like, it's, like, bigger than a personal pan. Mm-hmm.
And you're, like, oh, man, we're gonna be saving some of that. And then, like, just 10 minutes later, we're, like, what happened? It's all gone. Great. It goes so good.
And it's... And it's also, like, it's not... You don't feel as disgusting as you do when you eat some other pizza. Yeah, it's really...
It's really quality and greasy. It's very lean and, like, it's very bready, too, and the bread was really good. The bread is really good.
So, I'm glad we... I'm glad I brought a pizza. I'm glad we brought a pizza.
I'm always bad.
This has been Pizza Chat. Back to... Back to Drawcast. Keep it going. So, wait. Where's the pizza?
Oh, that's a great question. I don't know. Maybe he's surfing on it.
Oh, my God. That delighted me. So... I hope we have, like, a recording of this and we, like, go back and watch that moment. There's fear, surprise, and delight in my face. I genuinely did not see it coming.
Maybe if you keep doing these, eventually we'll get enough ad revenue that we can have a budget for people to just edit and, like, re... We'll have, like, an instant replay cam, like, on sports.
Mm-hmm.
Like on baseball teams. Yeah, like on baseball sports.
So, I think, is he, like, surfing in, like, a marinara ocean? Probably. Probably, I guess.
I do, like, a decent sport. You're the artist, man. Yeah. All right. I am.
So, let's do this. So, let's... You finish up Peter Dinklage surfing, which was not exactly what was answered, but we're going to allow it, because Peter's involved. This is... Yeah. And we're going to...
I'll go back to the chat room. This is my favorite part of the show, is when people tell me to draw something. I'm like, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to draw that. So, I'm going to go back to the chat room, and I will...
Let's see. And we'll look for our next suggestion. Oh, absolutely. So, the theme is people are giving us adjectives and nouns. Mm-hmm. And you can either give us one or the other, and then we'll look for something that's funny and line up. Yep. And we're not using that. And... Yeah.
He's not pointing a crate. He's just pointing a mic at us. He's adjusting it, but he's not plugged into anything, so it looks like he's just crazy.
I'm in here. I think I'm a little bad at it. I just want to...
It's not plugged into anything, so it doesn't matter. Does it sound bad? I don't know. I'm not watching.
Oh. Sorry. Anyway. So, adjectives and nouns, give us one or the other, and we'll look for kind of funny ways they line up. Yeah.
Well, I feel like we're not using the hats. You said we're going to go with the hats? Use the hat. Do the hat one more.
All right. I'm sorry. I get wrapped up in what I'm drawing, and it takes a long time. Relax, man.
This is strong. We're just having fun here. So, again, we have two hats. We have adjectives and nouns.
I'm going to reach into both, pull out a random piece of paper from one, and we're going to combine them to see what Caldwell is going to draw after this. And not to hype it up too much, but the last request ended up with a drawing of Peter Dinkler slicing, serving on a slice of pizza. Slicing, shredding, and slicing.
We're looking for an old, old, old combo old. I like that one. What? Old, old. Okay. Old, old is the adjective.
The noun is wristwatch. Old, old wristwatch. That's, like, very poetic. Yeah. Old, old wristwatch is, like, maybe, like, met my third album. You know, not my debut album, but my sophomore ever, like, I'm settling into it. It's like, old, old wristwatch.
You finished your electronic phase. We'll go back to the good stuff. I'm going to pepper in some pepperoni. Now, that is a lot of fun. I want to eat that pizza. You're, like, the cosmic food.
You're, like, who's running from. Like, yeah, I just draw you behind him. He's like, run, run, run. All right.
So we're drawing an old wristwatch. Old, old wristwatch.
I mean, I don't know. That's what the hat said. I kind of want to skip it. Yeah, that's it. Next.
I like old, old wristwatch. Old, old wristwatch.
Those are both good. It just, like, it doesn't always work. Let's look at the comments. Let's get one more out of it.
This isn't an exact science. No. It's not a science.
So let's go back to the comments. I'd love to be reading more about penises right now. And so let's go back to the comments. Only I could read about penises. Is there anywhere right now where I can see a lot of suggestions to draw penises? Oh, the comments. I can just go to the comments.
So I did leave that page, so it's going to take another second to load. Why did you leave it? Well, I accidentally went with butt marks. I don't know why.
That's fine. Well, if you can... Old, old turd lush. You can draw a hairy whale. All right.
So again, we need you guys in the drawing. We need you guys suggesting adjectives and nouns separately. We're going to try to line those up.
So don't do soggy toes. Nothing personal. Way low. You just say soggy. You wait for the person after you.
We'll say a noun. We'll try to put some fun ones together. We'll try.
Um, explosive shark bear. That's pretty good. Okay. Fluffy. Noseless. Angry. Agreed. That probably was just agreeing about a penis, probably. Marilyn Monroe. Okay. Kosher.
Kevin Bacon. Kosher Kevin Bacon's actually kind of a funny joke.
All right. Kind of. It's a funny joke, but I don't know what it's going to be. It's barely a joke. Draw him with some side curls. It's kind of funny. Draw him with some side curls. It's like kind of funny. And I'm using the word funny very liberally here. Like it's kind of funny. This is where it's Kosher and Kevin Bacon end up near typical.
It wasn't intentional. If someone said it intentionally, that wouldn't be funny. But the fact that it just coincidentally happened, it's at least a little bit funny, right? No. Breaking all the comedy rules and just saying no. Okay. All right. I'm sorry. That was not funny.
Is that pass? Boy. I love that game. That's heartbreaking to a degree. What's breaking to a degree? Is that pass? No. That. Strashed. Funky.
Nick Cage is a suggestion that's coming up a lot. Maybe we should give you a funky Nick Cage. All right. Can you pull up a cage reference for me? Because I want to get my cage right. Well, you can't just say pull up a Nicolas Cage picture. What kind of Nicolas Cage? What arrow? What flavor of Nick Cage are we on? Which cage variant? Give me like a real crazy cage.
I'm going to go to the movie Knowing, which is probably the last perfect Nicolas Cage movie that was made. I think that all critics will agree.
Have you seen Knowing? I haven't.
It is fucking crazy. It is so silly, and I absolutely love it.
It's from the director of Dark City. Have you seen Dark City? I feel like I should have seen that. You should have seen Dark City.
That's a pretty good one right there. It's totally awesome. I'm going to pull up a nice Nicolas Cage blue. I got a nice navy Nicolas blue.
To the end of it, it's just absolutely crazy. There are like two or three good action scenes too. There's just one part.
Is Dark City or in Knowing? Knowing. Dark City is totally awesome. Knowing just has like two or three amazing Nicolas Cage movies.
Did you still have the mustache by the way? Yeah, what am I going to do? Share it?
This is a real mustache. I turned off my own moment. I left on the mustache. It's so funny because if you move quickly, it's like a cartoon where someone moves in the mustache and is like, what?
You're like, come back and grab it. Let's see if I can do that real quick. Did it work? No, it got stuck. Your mustache texture didn't load. I want that to work. All right.
So are we just drawing a Nicolas Cage? Funky. Funky Nicolas Cage.
Oh, man. I love it. Can you click on that one right there? Yeah. I love having someone to click on Google images in Nicolas Cage for me. Now, Cogway, I guess we've already established you draw an absolute. Again, literally, most of your life is drawing. Yeah, it's great. It's awesome. I mean, you're quite good at it. Is this the first time you've drawn Nicolas Cage? I think it is. Wow, that's amazing to me. I feel like just statistically lazy if you just spend X amount of hours drawing, especially like for this website. Yeah. You're going to have to draw Nicolas Cage.
I don't know. Maybe I've drawn him in passing, but I don't know if I've ever sat down and dedicated myself.
Suze, can you think of any examples? Would you know? Yeah, sure might. Hey, Suze.
Suze, can you think of any examples of Caldwell having previously drawn Nicolas Cage? We're trying to figure out if it's the first time Caldwell's ever drawn Nicolas Cage, ever.
Was that your first Dinklage drawing? It couldn't have been your first. That was my first Dink. First Dink? My first Dink. You saw it here, folks. First Dink starring Sinbad.
I really hope that Dink is in the cut. I hope he's watching this, Suze. I hope that that isn't secretly racial. I hope he's considering moving.
Right now, I'm watching this. I'm like, oh, I have to move again. Peter Dinklage looking disappointed is definitely... It's kind of how I picture him at all times. All right, so once again, we're drawing a funky Nicolas Cage. Right now, I'm getting a... He's not quite funky yet. I'm getting a Doc Manhattan vibe from him right now.
I'm going to Mars. Come with me to my palace on Mars.
How would you define... Would you... Tell me if this is an actual question. Your drawing style. What would you say your style is?
Ooh, the card. How do you... What are the touchstones of a Caldwell? Oh. The tanner.
Well, when I'm drawing just regular people, I usually draw a little weird bean face like this. But I feel like I draw big heads. I kind of switch it up. For this, I'm trying to draw a little more realistic.
Yeah, you do do a variety of styles. And again, I think it's a lot of... We just do a lot of different styles. Yeah, you got to. You get a lot of excuses, too. Or a lot of requests, too, even.
I don't know what your standard is. I don't know. It's a little bit of a bullshit question I'm aware.
I'm going to fill in the hair, because that's really the... That's where you make it. So much of the... So much of the caginess is drawn from the lock. So much in there.
He's like, Sam says... So... Oh, boy. It's like the classic poem. So much depends. Let's check it out in the comments. Oh, yeah.
And you know what? You know what we should do? What's that?
We should do questions. If you guys have specific questions... That's a great idea. In other words, I'm running out of things to say. So if you guys have specific questions, ask them, and maybe we'll try to knock up your map. So questions for me are called well. Or anyone with an earshot. Let's see what happens.
Super Saiyan Pikachu. I feel like you must have drawn a Super Saiyan Pikachu at some point. Saiyan?
I didn't have to. That was one of those things where I didn't have to do, because it was just already there.
Because I've seen it. I've seen it. It's real.
No questions yet. Takes a second. We'll see. You know. Oh, yeah. This thing's a little behind. That's weird.
We're living in the future. For these people? We're living in the future of these people, because it's like 30...
Is there anything we should tell them? Um... I don't know. We should tell them that... I remember before 32 Eastern Time. We should warn them about... Yeah.
About Nicolas Cage. Looking out for Nicolas Cage.
He's coming for you. He's here.
Hmm. Can you, uh... Hold that picture up a minute. Okay. Oh, sorry. It's okay. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here comes the questions. Okay. Hey, College Humor, respond to me. Oh, my God. They're all coming at once.
Have you been to Poland?
Draw a... There's, like, tin pitcher question. Draw a soul. Draw a redneck Mario.
Jeff... I saw Jeff dick. He just kept flying by.
Um... So, I'm gonna get a question so we can talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you draw with? Tablet, et cetera? I... You know what I'm gonna do? Oh, yeah. I'm gonna, like, break the internet here. On your amazing... This is gonna work? It's called... What do you draw with? What's going on here? It's a syncy, which is, like, a big wake-on tablet. I mean, which is drawn on the screen?
Yeah, but... It's, like, pressure... It's, I don't know. It's pressure-sensitive, right? Uh... Yeah. So, like, I can, like, do, like, a thin line.
Mm-hmm. Pretty new for you. Like, you worked here for years before you had this thing. Uh, yeah. Like, a year or two. Mm-hmm. Before that, I just used, like, a little tablet. Mm-hmm. Um... But it's kinda like, you know, usually when you get, like, new tech, it very quickly becomes, like, the only thing you could ever use.
Caldwell is seated, like, right by the kitchen over there. Oh, yeah. So, like, people... I mean, you know, like, me, at least. Uh, you know, it's an area you walk by, and it's so fun, because, like, you walk by and it's just, like, some gorgeous sketch of... There's, like, a lot of colors. Something's happening in Caldwell. Or just some just staring at, like, just rows and upon rows of Google image searches of, like, women's underwear, which happens sometimes. So, you know what happened is the, uh...
We're a little ahead, so I'm just now seeing in the feed what happened when I pointed the camera at you, and we didn't turn the mustache off. So the mustache was, like, floating in the end, as I demonstrated. But, look, it's trying desperately to be on your face. It's trying so hard. So, guys, just so you know, the mustache doesn't have a giant floating kitchen.
That was a Google hangout. That's the magic of Google at work.
How long do you draw it? We actually asked that one already. We kind of covered that. A picture, I believe, was the answer.
Please draw a mouse. Draw an scenario.
Why are you wearing purple? Is brown day?
I don't know what that means. I don't know either.
Are you guys going to do bleep bloop? Yeah, we literally posted a new episode of bleep bloop today.
What's that one about? Oh, I'm so glad you asked. It is about... Well, what happened was, we got...
This was a huge mistake. We got the Sega Activator, which is this old Genesis peripheral, and we actually couldn't get it working. We tried for like an hour, and we put a pretty good amount of effort into it, and it just did not work. So, instead, we went to Plan B, and we watched CyberMania 94, which was the first video game award show that was televised.
What? Did you not see this at all? I thought I had not told you about this. No. So, let me just raise... I don't know. What is it missing?
So, it's a 1994 award show.
I'm going to pull this over your second. Yeah, yeah.
There's something missing. He's a hard man to catch.
So, it's a 1994 award show. And it's the first... And the award show itself is terrible. It's hosted by Leslie Nielsen and Jonathan Taylor-Thomas.
He's 13 years old. How old is Leslie Nielsen? Old. And then, he's also 13 years old. He's like a 10.
And so... But the interesting thing is that the video games are like actually... So, the awards are terrible. There's these jokes and they're awful, as you might imagine. Yeah. And they read sheet code is really bad. Like they come back from commercial and JHT is just like, you hold up and select and that's how you unlock battle mode in Streets of Rage 3. All right.
But the awards are not for bad games. The nominees for Game of the Year...
I swear to God, I'll stop talking about it afterwards. No, I'm...
So, this is 1994. So, the nominees for Game of the Year? Right. Doom? Yeah.
Street Fighter 2. Our Super Street Fighter 2 maybe. Mortal Kombat. NBA Jam.
And Myst. Whoa. Like a murderer's row there, right? Yeah.
So, it's like even though it's terrible, they're giving out awards like these... The awards are going to be actually great games.
It was also, unfortunately, made the year that FMV was popular. There was a lot of best actors and best actors in the game. They cut the terrible FMV clips.
So, to answer your question, we are doing Leap Loop. There's a bunch of them we've put up in the past few months, maybe? There's one today. All right, let's go back to the comments. You know, not that funky yet. This was supposed to be Funky Nicholas Cage, you know? It's coming. I'm honestly in trouble capturing the caginess. Which will happen every once in a while.
What's your favorite? Peanut butter. I'm just gonna... I'm a creamy guy.
Who does chunky? I like a chunky. You like chunky?
Yeah, man. Wow. Jesus. Do I still have to be here? Yeah. Yeah, you're under contract now.
No mouse or panda. We want a koala.
If you ate yourself, would you be twice as big or not exist?
No, but that's... Huh? What's the next vid gonna be?
Does Ricky exist? Ricky exists?
That one I can answer. Jen gave you a vote. Sure. She asked.
You probably won't see this. Wrong, Jenny. In your face, we did see it and we're talking about it. Oh, man. You must be so embarrassed. How are you gonna share your face in school now?
Jenny is an aspiring artist. Uh-huh. I would like some tips. Um, hmm. Do it.
Draw a lot. Draw a lot? Yeah, draw a lot. Draw a lot.
That's a pretty good tip. That's the last thing in your tip. Is that the only tip you have is draw a lot?
Um, what kind of art do you want to do? That's a good question. I don't know. I don't know how to ask. Yeah. We saw the one thing we may never hear from this girl again. Um, but... I would say draw a lot. Um, try a lot of different styles and like, you know, kind of have fun. Did you... And I don't even know the answer to this. Did you like...
You must have studied art in school. Yeah, I studied art in school. What was your... Like, is this what you did in class in school?
No, it was like more like... These eyes are silly. It was more like traditional art. He's got a... It wasn't... This is like more cartooning, maybe?
Yeah. Um, no, I did more like... I didn't go to like a cartoon school or anything. I just did like... You went to clown school instead? Yeah. Exactly. How helpful was school, was like formal art training to you? Uh, it was good.
You kind of need it. You need to like know... You need to take at least like some studio class, I think. Just to kind of get the basics of what you're doing. So you need to like get the basics and kind of like seethe and uh...
And what the teachers are telling you and be like, I don't... I don't trust this. I don't believe what you're saying.
You need to get like... You need to have that feeling so that you'll like at least learn how to do it. And then like be able to kind of pervert it in the way that suits you later on. Does that make sense? And if you do that well enough, you may one day do this professionally where someone on the internet can yell at you, draw a big pile of shit. Which is a suggestion from a real ass in me.
So, good question. That was... I didn't know that about him. Uh, about Caldwell. Okay. I'll tell him calling you him to the audience now. That was okay.
Can you hear me? Ooh, I can't read that.
Jeff, what is your personally your favorite College of Original Series?
I don't know. I like all of them. I don't really have a good answer for that. Uh, it's definitely dinosaur office. That's a weird question. I don't know.
Draw a... Favorite channel? Like your tune?
That's boring. But... Favorite cartoon now would be a better question. I'm like, that's boring man.
Immediately went to another place where I considered all the implications of answering it. Alright, this is a weird one. What do you think of firstly when you think of Germany?
Please don't tell me about that Nazi stuff. That was not us just a completely older generation.
I'm like... Okay. So, next... Never mind. I think of apologetic Germans. Yeah. Uh... Jenny J. Vivo said, lol. We did see another comment from her. God.
She still lives. She lives. She's okay everyone. Thank you, Jenny, for a question.
Whereas, again, most of these people are just asking to draw penises. Draw a cyber demon winning an Oscar.
Oh, that's kind of fun. It is so hard for me to like... Yeah. I want to just be reading them out loud as I scroll. And like I definitely cannot be doing that. And so like there's so many more like I start to read it. And then like my brain gets to the end of the comic before my mouth gets to the first syllable. My brain's like, no, no, eject, eject. Let's do a new topic.
This necklace cage is not coming together. A bust! Draw a cat.
I don't mean to call you out. This is kind of bullshit, though. This is kind of bullshit.
Hold on, maybe I'll pull it up over here. I'll pull it up over here. Let me correct myself. What are you doing? I'm going to pull it up over here a second, actually. I need to make some... Oh, I didn't mean...
We can move on. Yeah. I think we should move on. But that said, we called those fires. Yeah, I know. Okay.
So, let's go back to the adjective. Adjective and noun hats. Let's do one from here. Adjective and noun hats.
You know what? Yeah. That was... But the hats kind of let us down, too. Excited. So, all... Yeah. We could do, like, one more thing in advance. I'm into that. We should probably... We probably shouldn't just, like, leave now. Good. We're good? Wait. Is it running again? Yeah, I think so. Maybe the computer's... Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah. Alright. Cool. Okay. You may need to re-invite me, though. Yeah.
I should have called them. Your call-out screen shot.
Yeah. Cool. So, it's fixed? Cool. Great. I'll back in here, man. Okay.
We got to readjust this, though. I need to do, like, the cameraman thing. If I readjust this, do you mean put my mustache back on? You've got a couple things you need to do. I'm going to say that's your prime directive. What do I have to do? Go to the Cameraman, and then you can adjust it so that it's going to open it.
I'm going to keep drawing this anteater. Then hit the Muted. So that's good. Click on me, but I'm muted. And then you'll be the one who they hear. Then maybe check the .com page. Yes, I will be the one they hear. It says the video is crossed out for you.
What? I did it. I don't know. I just had it so defeated there.
That's all right. Is it working? All right, we're doing confirmation. I think I just fixed that. All right. Everyone relax.
We are back. We are on the internet, and we are drawing. When we last left off, we were drawing your deadly anteater. Now we're mostly done there. I mean, we're making dreams come true.
One problem is we closed the window. I think we closed the window that had the chat in it. Something of a pair to open again, as you may recall.
I think it should be in the Go back to the Google Plus. And my link is still there.
It's beach balling. I don't know. Let's just keep talking. Let's do it.
So we drew a deadly anteater. He's shooting at the dude from the original. Let's review what's happening. This is Drawcast, my draft. Here's Caldwell. You can't really see him, but you can see what he's drawing. I'll give you a little more of me. So you can see him, and he is drawing.
And what we're doing is we have two hats. One hat is full of adjectives. Thinking about it before I do it, making sure I hold the right hat, anyone gives a shit. And if I hold the now and that when I say adjective. People care so much more than you think they do. They're going to be in the comments, just like, hey, he said adjectives and held up the great hat. So they're faking the whole thing. Hey, this is my day. So we've got an adjective hat, now and that.
Pulling a random piece of paper out of each new straw and whatever comes out. Right now, we have a deadly anteater. Can we recap, actually, real quick, what we drew earlier? Yeah, it's a good idea. Hold on. Let me finish drawing this tactical belt. It's like Rocket Raccoon, but with an anteater.
I keep forgetting that they're making that into a movie. I know.
You know what doesn't look good is an Iron Man 3. Doesn't that not look good? I don't know. I think parts of it look good. This is like, maybe it'll be good. I'm hoping it's good. I'm going to see the movie, so I'd rather see a good movie because I'm going to have to see it. It doesn't look very good.
I actually thought Iron Man 2 was not very good. It wasn't crazy about Iron Man 2. The weird thing about it is it made it seem like the thing that we want the most of is more robot suits, which I don't know if that's necessarily true. We gave you what you wanted. But I feel like the problem with Iron Man 2 is it was just kind of like a lot of lazy kind of improv dialogue. It was just like Tony Stark just goofing. Here's the thing about Iron Man 2. I think like most people saw it, Iron Man movies are pretty popular.
It was pretty well seen. You saw it.
I defy anyone, anyone, to describe the plot of Iron Man 2. No one remembers what happened to that movie. I like Mickey Rourke. No one.
No, didn't you know me? Shut up. Would you like to remember?
Yeah, Mickey Rourke is with Flash, and Tony Stark's dad wronged his father. So he tries to get his revenge on Tony Stark by building a competing Iron Man suit, and Sam Rockwell, who is like a competing arms dealer.
I forgot Sam Rockwell then. I watched this recently. You watched it recently? I don't know how recently. I totally forgot Sam Rockwell. I feel like before Avengers came out, I went on a binge.
So that's how I know that. Yeah, Sam Rockwell then. He's fun.
Let's move on to it. OK, cool. Let's move on. Let's definitely move on.
How do you know when you're done with a drawing? How do I know? Because it needs to go on the website.
Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. I feel like it's the same thing. I was thinking that with movies recently.
Let's say you're Woody Allen. You're editing Danny Hall. At what point is Woody Allen like, what's the last time he watches that movie?
And he's like, yeah, that's it. Nothing left to change here. That's the movie.
That's a good question. Yeah, when it's like. Or anyone. I wonder how that goes. Pick a director.
Well, like Louis C.K. when he would be editing an episode. Or you when you're editing Bleak Blue. How do you know when Bleak Blue is done? I think it's just because it's just got to come out. Yeah, Bleak Blue has like a first cut of it that's like eight minutes or 10 minutes or whatever. And then I'm like, it's done when I can get it down to an acceptable time length.
So you want to review? And then maybe we'll do a quick one? Yeah, let's review.
In the upper left, I wasn't here for that guy. So if you cannot, I'll be responsible for that.
And then we drew Sad Banana. Sad Banana.
And Louis skilled the threat. I mean, God.
He's staring off into the distance. What is he thinking about? Well, he's thinking about the apple. Oh, he's thinking about his lovely bride.
It looks like a mustache from here. But if you zoom in, it's lips. I feel like if you erase that apple, that's like a fun template to provide. Yeah, like you see what people think he's thinking about.
You ready to go back to the hats? Yeah, let's do one more. Do we want to do an audience one or do we want to do a hats one? Let's do a hat one, because we don't have the audience comments open.
OK. Oh, we don't? It just sounds like you're talking so we muted your mic. Yeah. It's like, I'm sorry, it says it up top. It sounds like you're talking so you're typing, so you muted your mic. That's like a very polite way of saying, shut the fuck up. You messed up. OK. That's pretty close. I don't know. I feel like someone stopped me if they couldn't hear us.
Let's do one more of these and then we can call it a day. All right, cool. I'm going to pick adjectives this time. Ooh. Switching it up. Why not? All right, all right, all right.
This is fun. This is a great idea. If you get to get like, you get to get people to tweet or like email us.
Preparation. Yeah, build an iPhone app. Are you ready?
Yeah. I have Mighty Dolphin. Oh, that's great. Mighty Dolphin.
I like already, you said it and it just leapt into my head. So you know what this, do you know what this one looks like, you know you're going to draw? I really do. It's like in your mind's eye already. Jeffrey, I really do. I can't wait.
Do you describe, could you describe it? Yeah, I'm just going to draw a real buff dolphin. I don't want to look at what you're drawing, but can you describe it to me and then I'll try it out. So all right, I'm going to draw a dolphin and he's going to be like, he's got a lot of attitude and he's probably going to be wearing like a tank top that he's almost ripping out of.
I'm thinking some like dad jeans. How do you deal with the arms and the legs? I think I'm going to give him like exaggerated flippers. And I think he's basically going to be a street shark.
Oh, yeah, OK. That sounds great. Yeah. All right, so Caldwell's drawing a Mighty Dolphin and we're bringing the drawcast to him that way, folks.
As God intended.
That'd have happened sometime. You know what?
I miss the comments. I miss them.
They're not open. It's kind of hard to open them. We're wrapping up. I don't know if it's worth going over.
Hold on, I'll show you. No, no, no, no. Trust me on this one. You're chatting with me here. If you can see me. Uh, wait. Why is this not? Oh, oh, I know what I see.
I'm going to put on a mustache.
We're going to go from there. That's good. Trip to chart right now. There you go.
You can also play sounds. Like I can just like drop this annoying drum sound. I'm like, we can't hear it, but I bet it's really annoying.
It's rather cute. I hope so. Just take advantage of that. Maybe I'll do instead of a mustache. Into the show, it's third act. Yeah.
Maybe just the monocle. Just the monocle. I can't resist that monocle. That's the monocle. Can't resist. How do monocles stay in your eyes? What's the deal with monocles?
You just like wedge them in there a little bit. You just like get it in that eye cavity? Yeah. I wonder if you like go to your doctor. I guess he prescribes you a monocle that like, you know, is going to be right for you. You got like wedged in there? Yeah. So what are we going to do again? Oh, you're looking at the top.
I put on the monocle and then forgot step two. Right, we're going to go to the comments. Step one was so important. Step two became irrelevant. Step one, put on monocle. Step two, question mark. Here we go.
Draw a pimped up TARDIS. Ecology or livestream? This is beautiful.
Oh, boy. Hold on to your butts. Oh, man. I mean, I'm going to love with you guys.
This is like a test run. Yeah, this is a test run.
You haven't really done much with the Google Hangout stuff, but I'm liking it.
Please give him a lightsaber. Badass dolphin. Mighty dolphin from the thing.
Fuck anyone who's not a mirror. I can get behind that. Yeah, I can't argue with that either. That sounds logic. Fuck anyone that's not a mirror. Well, I guess you know what you're saying, buddy. What?
He's saying fuck me, Tim. He's insulting himself. It's kind of like I'm picturing him saying more of a dire. He's like fuck anyone. He's staring in a mirror.
I just can't disagree. And that TARDIS is a popular thing, or the same guy saying it over and over again. Are people echoing it? You know what the problem is?
There's no avatars. I want to see these people. Well, some people have avatars.
Is Stoney doing a bleep-bleep remix? I saw the red and the M.A. I don't know. I hope so. That was awesome. Stoney does those like, bleep-bleep-bleep. Who did a red and a M.A.? He did. And I was like, hey, I think the question on everyone's mind is, what are you doing a bleep-bleep remix?
And he just polite enough to answer. What up? Hey, I don't know.
It's the internet. It's the new normal. I like their work quite a bit.
Is it people? Is it multiple people?
Well, I just didn't go with the gender pronoun. I wasn't sure. You threw me in a doubt. One likes one's work.
Someone just says Magikarp. That's the whole comment. Magikarp. Just you know. Magikarp. What about just Magikarp? Hey, just dropped an N. Just wanted to say Magikarp.
See ya. Have a great day.
Iowa says hi. Iowa? Well, I think it's, we actually know someone named Iowa. They're not really named Iowa. But I think this person in the state says hi.
Let's go. Do you read this comment? Yes, I do. This is the problem with the comments. You can go down this black hole. You're just like, keep reading them. One of them will give me something to talk about. There's a code in here.
Hitler. I just like, Hitler with a lot of exclamation points. Hitler.
Well, like in a friendly way. All right, guys, we are no longer taking drawings. Yeah, we're winding it down. This is the ad. We're never going to be able to top this.
I think just like, relax, grab a shake. Yeah, relax, grab a beer, smoke if you got them. We're just going down the homestretch here with a mighty old off.
Yeah, they could maybe tell me what kind of firearm we should be holding. OK, yeah, we will take suggestions for what firearm he's holding. I saw someone said shakeway, which is a pretty fun suggestion.
It's not very efficient, but holy shit, it's fine. What time do we start this? Nothing like before. Dreadlocks his head, please. It's just like a new thing. It's the first one we've done in a while, but it's hopefully we'll do more.
I'm dreadlocks, I'm currently dreading his head. Please give the shark dreadlocks. I don't know if I'm putting personality, it means I was supposed to be like, please, just god, please give the shark dreadlocks. So desperate. I'm watching, it's terrible if you could just please give the shark dreadlocks. I saw this very sick. Dreadlocks. I saw this very sick.
More cowbell, I love a mirror, that is all. No, it's not a mirror, OK, bye.
Why did I read that? Why did I waste everyone's time reading it?
Because you wanted it, too. Oh, you gave him dreads. I did.
Can't often grow hair. That is a, I was going to laugh at that, that idea, and that dumb thing that you said, but. It's not dumb. It's not. It's like, I'm curious now, they should be able to. Somewhere deep in their genetic code is the ability to grow hair.
What would you guys be doing if you had a real job? That's an interesting question. I have no idea, do you? I'm absolutely not. If I had a real job? Yeah, like if you weren't drawing a fucking dolphin with a shake weight and dreadlocks right now, what would you be doing?
I wasn't going to. I wasn't talking to you about it.
Hopefully, we'd be doing something at least like in a design or anything. Something design or anything. Layout, jump, maybe.
Yeah. Or, you know.
I like to think I could be a scientist. I can't be a scientist. Way too stupid. But I love to be a scientist.
I'm going to turn down a lot of very promising offers. Again, someone just asked, I mean, we've got to just remind everyone every now and then we're talking.
Caldwell. Caldwell drawing right now. Here's Caldwell.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, man, this is real dumb. God, so many people want to see a dick.
And I don't think ours. I'm pretty sure not ours. I think they would give us a lot of problems.
I think that's what all the penis requests are, man. I can't imagine. What if I pull out my penis and show it to them and it was a mirror? It's like right on the tip.
Can you have a mustache with that monocle? Mr. Swiss cheese, that is a great question. Can you have a mustache with that monocle?
You're damn right I can. Hold on. Let me open up Google Hangout settings over here.
Because that's an excellent question. That's actually, I think, the best question we've received all day, the best.
And I believe you can have up to three. And you know what I learned this is during the hurricane, our office was closed for two weeks during the hurricane.
And we would talk over Google Hangouts. And the first 15 minutes of every meeting was figuring out the funniest combination of virtual items. That was how you decided you got the pitch ideas first. It's one of the best combinations.
So I'm going to open them up. I'll open them up.
I think it's a little embarrassing, but we've been here for over an hour. What do you think people want from me? I mean, Nick, this is prep for the All Nighter. This is prep. I don't want to say that, because I don't know if it was a secret. Can we say that? What, that we're doing the All Nighter? Yeah. Maybe we're doing the All Nighter.
Does anyone give a shit? Yes, give a shit. Hey, internet, do you give a shit? Does the internet give a shit?
There should just be a meter on everything. I'm thinking, all right, so this is where we're crossroads. I wouldn't mind seeing your penis coming.
Not like I want it, he's like, should he have legs, or should he be a real dolphin? I think he should be on some sort of tank platform, like the first boss in Smash TV. So he's like, in a tank? I don't think his legs are tank treads, basically.
Oh, I see what you're saying. So he's like a fully modded dolphin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was just like, that's just what I'm getting here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're getting what I'm putting out. I'm putting it right in my mouth. Someone got into the air.
No, we don't give a shit. Shitler, I give 10 shits.
I heard all night are yeah, bitches. Do you want to just stay here all night? That's what we meant. You want to do it tonight? Yeah, we have one. You want to just stay here for another 11 hours? Let's just keep this going? I was going to shoot an email. All night is tonight. We decided.
You know, as we're wrapping things up, I want to acknowledge all the people who did the immediate ear shot that have had to deal with me and the lesser trend you fell out last hour. I mean, they always have to deal with me.
Maybe put them on a unicycle? Whoa. Needler gun. Play more.
Any other questions? Any other specific questions that maybe Caldwell or I could answer? Caldwell, I think it's time to start wrapping this up. Maybe let's take one question while you finish up those tank treads, and then we're going to call the day.
You know what I just realized is no one's going to stop us. It's up to me, I guess. Is it up to me to be like, we're done now? Yes, we don't have someone with headphones on.
I was completely, I'm only now recognizing that. I was completely expecting someone who was just going to be like, all right, guys, that's good. I'd be like, oh, sorry, goodbye. But I'm just realizing that that person is me.
You guys got to cut this out. OK. Give them tank tracks.
Someone says the description says I love them here, and I can't say I totally disagree. I think we can figure something out. Oh, interesting. I thought they would replace the legs. They're kind of in addition to him. Yeah, I think he's like, this is how he moves around on the land. Well, maybe this is a good place. I wasn't sure to say it, but I feel like this might be a good place to call things called.
Well, I'm honestly getting late-headed calls. I'm like, OK, to be perfectly honest. You do this a lot.
Yeah, so maybe we should call it here. Yeah, I think so. Well, guys, this is it. Thank you for watching. Oh, well, you want to join me over here? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So this one's not. I think both of these are 30 seconds behind. I keep on waiting for you. If I put my head close enough to yours, we'll like it with a monocle fuse that's together. Oh, I hope so. We won't find out for 30 seconds.
So guys, thank you for watching this Drawcast slash technical run-through of Google. Yeah, I would say so. And oh, wow, I loved it. Thanks so much, guys. I appreciate it.
You're also realizing I don't want to turn this thing off, actually. Somewhere nested in like, I think I'm just going to turn the internet off on the computer. Just disable Wi-Fi, because I do not know how to do it. For the entire building, yeah. I think you've got to do that. I think that's the smartest plan. All right, I'm going to disable Wi-Fi.
Thank you again for watching, everyone. Appreciate it. We'll talk more soon. All right. It still ended up. And bro, I think mine's about to get off. |
TheOnion | Biden_Unveils_New_Health_Initiative_To_Make_U_S_Women_Hotter | In an effort to expand on Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to improve the health of the nation's children, Vice President Joe Biden has launched his own fitness program aimed at American women.
Instead of reducing childhood obesity, Biden's program focuses on American women between the ages of 18 and 45, stating that America's lack of hot bods and beach babes has reached near crisis levels and imploring Americans to get more toned, tanned, taut and tasty.
When the Vice President goes to the beach, he doesn't like what he sees, but he's confident that with better eating habits and exercise, we can make America sexier than it's ever been before.
Just 45 minutes of aerobic activity a day is enough to transform a five into a seven and eight with makeup.
And while Michelle Obama enlisted Beyonce to help with her campaign, the Vice President has signed up longtime friend and collaborator Elle DeBarge to record a song and music video to encourage American females to shed pounds by dancing to the throbbing beat.
Back to you, Brooke. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_john_ashcroft_saturday_night_live | This week, Attorney General John Ashcroft became the first member of President Bush's cabinet to step down since the election. here to talk about his resignation is John Ashcroft. Thank you Tina. it's been an honor serving as the Attorney General of this great nation. for four years, I've enjoyed widespread popular support for the many fine decisions that I've made. my Patriot Act, a real favorite with everybody, has allowed law enforcement agencies to arrest thousands of people, some of whom may in fact turn out to be guilty of something.
But alas, I've wanted to do so much more, like banning nudie pictures from art museums, making a secret list of bearded people, creating a law that people have to sleep with their hands outside their blankets. But very few of my modest proposals were ever taken seriously. simple things that I know that we could agree on. for instance, I wanted to bring good old-fashioned wooden stocks back to the Town Square and let people heave rocks and tomatoes at the folks who was guilty of spittin' on the sidewalk. I had the brilliant idea to put lojacks on Muslims in this country, so. I want to put a lojack on them so we could be keepin'' track of them. I wanted dirty magazines to explode with black ink so we could see who was a buy-in-all. it was my plan to arrest people who walked around at night, And like you, Tina, I thought the missionary sex position should be written into the constitution as the only true and legal way to do that disgusting deed.
But not everybody saw things our way, Tina, and so I'm resigning. a sad day for All America. you really think so? No. John Ashcroft, everybody. |
SaturdayNightLive | couple_goals_snl | It's time for couple goals with your host, Bob De Bilgan. All right, welcome to Couple Goals, a game where married couples find out just how well they know each other.
Tonight's show is sponsored by Swiffer Wet Jet. Want to swirl some wet hair around in circles on your bathroom floor? try Swiffer Wet Jet.
All right, let's meet our contestants. they recently moved into their dream home in Agora Hills. it's Nick and Nicole Loney. Oh, that's cute. And their childhood sweethearts have known each other since they were six. It's Brian and Abby Green. so sweet.
As you know, your spouse has answered a series of questions before the show, and it's up to you to guess what they said. Question one,: what's your wife's favorite book? Nick. Oh, I know that one, Bob. it's Harry Potter. Okay, let's see what Nicole said. Harry Potter. that's my helpful book. All right. All right, the Lotus are on the board. let's go to the Greens. Brian. Well, I know my little reader's favorite book. it's where the crawdads sing. All right, let's see what Nicole said. Oh, the Bible. sorry, baby. we're so close. was he?
Chloe, he's over to you. what is your husband's greatest fear? Well, not sure he wants people to know this one, but it's definitely heights. Okay, she says heights, and Nick says his greatest fear is that you'll die in a bizarre accident, and even though I had nothing to do with it, the police will assume I did it after discovering how much I complained about you in text messages to my friend. I should have said heights. I'll say. Moving on to the greens, Abby, what is your husband's greatest fear? Well, you won't see this man in a picnic. it's bees. Oh, shoot, I said losing the kids. no points, but the greens are trying their best.
Next question is for the Loadies. What's something your husband has always wanted to know? Still a little thrown by that last one, but this one's easy. do aliens exist? Okay, and Nick said he's always wanted to know if police can still read your text messages if you destroy your wife's phone right after your wife is crushed by the garage door or equivalent accident. Nick, what have you been texting? Whoops. over to Abby. what's something your husband has always wanted to know?
Well, I think this one will get us back on track if there's an afterlife. Sounds confident. Brian said, what it feels like to be with a man. why would you say that on Tv, babe? I didn't know we'd have to show our answers to everyone. And the greens continue to be odd, but pleasant people.
Next question for the loadies. what was your biggest fight about? Oh, okay, I know this one, the Hawaii incident. All right, Nick says the Hawaii incident, and Nicole says the time we were in Hawaii on top of a waterfall, and I wanted to jump in, but you held me back and wouldn't let me do it until there were other people around. Five points to the light. that's why you wouldn't let me jump? All right, that sound means it's time for a bonus question. this one's for Nicole.
Where is a place your husband has always wanted to visit? I mean, I feel like I don't even know this man, but I guess he always said Durango.
Yes, baby, yes. Oh. Okay, finally. yeah, and what's with the dot, dot, dot? when I'm wrongly accused of your Dad, I'll turn to the only lawyer I know who would possibly believe me, your college roommate, Stephanie. the night before, the jury returns the verdict, realizing that the situation is hopeless, we'll go on the run together across the border. when we get to our hotel room, we see that there's only one bed. she calls the front desk to complain, but I see that she's holding down the button, and that's how I know it's on. finding ourselves in a place beyond right and wrong, we make love and reach a new apex of human pleasure. today might be my last day of freedom, and I act accordingly. dripping in sweat. trained of 10 years of secret longing, we stare at the ceiling. what's the name of this town again, I whisper. Durango, she says, and then she mounts me once more. So, you both said Durango, which means, ladies, you have won our grand prize. We did. we won, baby. we won. Back to your headlamps, because you just won A romantic night-time couples walk along the cliffs of Dover.
No, no, no, no, thank you. you have to. No, no, please, no. |
Wizards_with_Guns | if_john_wilkes_booth_ran_for_president | Hi, I'm John Wilkes Booth. You might know me from that big thing I did. Well, I'm doing another big thing.
I'm running for president. You might already be wondering, oh, is he gonna kill the new president if he doesn't win the presidency?
Of course, 100%. I've done it before, and I'll do it again. Other politicians make false promises. I've proven if I say I'm gonna do something, I'll fucking do it.
Think about it. The only way the president's safe from me shooting him is if I'm him. I would never shoot myself. I'm happy.
I get a ton of pussy. In the south. Also, my opponents are weak. Their heads are susceptible to bullets. Bullets I have.
Shit. People keep saying the gun is small. It's always small in paintings. That's wrong.
It was fucking huge and hard to hold if you're not strong like me. This gun isn't the gun I use. This gun's smaller, but I like it because it's expensive.
I thought if you killed the president, you get to be the president. That's why they make it so hard. Turns out, work's different. On my first day in office, I promise to pardon whoever shot the president last. Happens to be me.
I'm not gonna wear the hat. Big hat makes it hard to see someone sneaky enough to come shoot you.
So that's something I won't be doing as president. I just want to be president for the money. Don't waste your vote on a dead man walking. Vote John Wilkes Booth. I won't shoot myself.
I'm happy. Oh. I think everybody's just, oh. I'm so tired of not being the president. I'm happy. I get a lot of pussy. |
cracked | 8_great_movies_with_insane_deleted_scenes_cracked_interruptions | It's the new season that would ruin Stinking shit That was a bad mistake No, no, no, no. This is not a good time to argue master. Might I recommend? Far too many of them for that. Oh Yes, all right No, no, no Yeah, I don't know document. It's just this whole thing with my mother I just don't know if I can go through with it hitting on her Don't buddy said anything about hitting her. You're just gonna take a few liberties with her You know, this is the kind of thing that could screw me up permanently Well, what if I go back to the future and end up being gay?
Cuz they know I'm the king of the cool Part of who France a yet squirt? My name's Kevin your name's Kevin You know what they're gonna call you in France, don't you?
Huh? No Hey Sonny, how about a little ice? Yes Here's Real small number One eight hundred spank me I know that number Tough customer knows what he likes Not even supposed to be here today Well, I'm sorry we're closed I Don't know about that accent we can fix it And need to focus Hey, that's not focus Now when I get to the moment You know the start climbing the mountain top, you know You're gonna need to be as far away from that as possible Hi I'm chief master.
Sergeant William candy. I Was honored to be selected by CRS in the ongoing effort to save American lives |
cracked | david_dastmalchian_rises_above_late_night_with_the_devil_controversy | The new indie horror Late Night with the Devil is getting a ton of attention, both for impressive early reviews and a bit of controversy for its use of A.I.R. Even though it was just three images used as interstitials in the film, people were none too pleased. Others felt the uproar was a bit much, but one thing everyone could agree on was that leading man David Desmalchian had a killer performance that shouldn't be overlooked. If you're unfamiliar with David's name, you most certainly recognize his face from a lot of movies, but most notably 2007's Dark Knight, playing a paranoid schizophrenic and former Arkham Asylum inmate opposite Heath Ledger's Joker. One thing about David, he LOVES playing a creepy dude. Apparently, he channeled his late co-star Heath Ledger for this new role. He told The Hollywood Reporter, The Late Night with the Devil director sent me a bunch of footage that they accumulated of Don Lane. He was the Johnny Carson of Australian television. He did this famous interview and a lot of people think Heath Ledger took inspiration from it for his portrayal of the Joker. He's voices of the dead all the time. I guess the burning question is how the hell do you get in his sleep? |
dropout | lil_lopez_at_the_school_anti_bullying_assembly | All right, you know me, little Lopez, I want to thank Principal Whitmer for letting me speak at this anti-bullying assembly that I asked if I could speak at. All right, first things first, I want to address the scar on my face. Whatever I want to know, I drew it on myself to get straight cred and I regret nothing. Peace.
All right, first things first, again, this entire assembly can suck my dick. Okay, also got a list of other things. I could suck my dick. All right, number one, this assembly again.
All right, straight up Whitmer, I'm dying, you got to get some snacks up in here. Sweet.
Two, my mom, total pedophile. I'm about to get her hands on this little guy. Just kidding, she's a basic mom, living a basic life, and I love her.
All right. Three, prime numbers. All y'all got no right in not being devised by those other numbers. Four, Xbox. Get your shit together and get out. I'm not at the time. All right. Five, the Vagaboys. We do not all like to party, and if we do, we will do it on our time. Nice.
Who's with me? Seven, David Duchovny.
Enough already. Eight, bees, yo. I'm deathly allergic to bees, so bees can suck my dick, but don't sting while you're down there or I will die, for reals. All right, Whitmer, so you're looking at me, where's all the bully talk? I'm getting to it right after I read out this list of things that can ride my dick in a good way. All right.
One, me, no doubt. It goes without saying, except I said it.
Two, my new business, fire and ice. It's where I light shit on fire with fire, and then ice it out with ice.
All right. Three, kale. You've been there all long, now's your time to shine. Four, Devin Sulla. Fierce actor, that did not get enough credit for your ladies out there. Remember Casper, can I keep you? All y'all be like, yes.
And to the guys, idle hands. Everybody wants to have the hand of a murderer. No responsibility.
All right. Five, the internet. Give it up, you guys.
Six, Deena Malone's tits. They're rude, they're crude, and I'm loving every minute of them.
Can we get a look see?
All right. She said no. Maybe later. Just kidding. Definitely later. All right, Whitmer. I see you're on my dick about this bully talk, and here it comes. Number one, I feel bullied by the lack of snacks in this assembly. All right. Number two, to the bullies out there, everybody's always saying you should pick on someone your own size, so why say you should pick on yourself because you owe your own size. All right.
Three, same goes for the bees. I'm not a bee size, so don't pick on me.
That's ridiculous. All right. That's it for me. So if anybody needs me, I'll be in the staff lounge getting a complimentary snack and lighten shit up behind the gym. Peace. Lopez out. Bye-bye. |
cracked | that_time_british_airways_edited_a_whole_movie_out_of_spite | During the making of 2006's Casino Royale, the studio was looking for an airline to chuck him a few bushels of cash in exchange for some product placement. Contractor, no. I will not bow to any sponsor. They were in talks with both British Airways and Virgin Atlantic, and for some unknown, probably sexy reason, they went with Virgin. The CEO of British Airways, presumably, sat back in his oversized chair, drummed his fingers together, sent away his minions in a violent outburst, and vowed to exact his revenge.
But how to do it? Subterfuge? Spy crap? The threat of nuclear annihilation? No, even crueler.
British Airways lightly edited the film. In the version that appeared in their in-flight movie library, the Virgin logo was meticulously airbrushed out of every scene. Now, a spokesperson did confirm that they'd edited the movie, but said it was common practice to make light edits to avoid upsetting passengers, which, sure, technically the crybaby CEO of British Airways is also a passenger. |
TheOnion | National_Dating_Standards_Lowered | This is the Onion News Network, a tomahawk of honesty in the skull of lies. We have some good news for you, fatties and uggos out there. Tucker Hope has more at the Recon wall. Thank you very much, Brooke.
The federal dating agency drastically readjusted national dating standards to a record low this week. The agency said the major reduction in the minimum basic attributes required in a romantic partner will offset rising levels of desperation and get the dating sector moving again. If we maintain the current standards, there would be just too many undateable people in this country. Things are pretty bleak out there, I admit it, but this should get some of the real dogs paired off with the biggest lugs, and then we'll be able to adjust standards upwards again. The reduction in dating standards has already led many Americans to put themselves on the market again. Now that deadbeats and cheaters and abusive alcoholics are within the federally approved range, options have basically tripled.
It's absolutely great. I no longer have to worry about staying in shape or shaving my neck hair or anything.
I guess it's time to give my ex another call. According to the government, she's no longer too good for me.
The adjustment marks the largest slashing of dating standards since the smallpox epidemic of 1839, when survivors' grotesquely pocked marked faces forced the criteria for romantic coupling to an all-time low. According to agency officials, the only segment of a population not affected by recent dating woes are the mega hot, who continue to have amazingly satisfying sex with one another anytime they please. |
cracked | how_did_we_get_the_often_creepy_always_smiley_ronald_mcdonald_anyways | Ronald McDonald wasn't even created by the McDonald's corporation itself.
His first iteration came about because a Washington DC franchisee made some ads with the local actor who portrayed beloved TV clown, Bozo. Yeah, people genuinely found clowns entertaining back then because the air was thick with leaded gasoline. Local Bozo, which sidebar is what the kids call me at the bodega. Anyway, local Bozo portrayer and weatherman Willard Scott was hired by DC franchisee Oscar Goldstein to come up with a new custom clown.
And Ronald McDonald was born, sort of. Here I am, kids.
Hey, isn't watching TV fun?
Scott's version of Ronald was even more unsettling than the widely accepted one with a cup for a nose, a tray full of food for a hat, and a magic belt buckle that dispensed burgers to children. Yeah, just had children reach for a clown's belt line and grab a handful of meat.
TV clown, Bozo. Yeah, people genuinely found clowns entertaining back then because the air was thick with leaded gasoline. Local Bozo, which sidebar is what the kids call me at the bodega. Anyway, local Bozo portrayer and weatherman Willard Scott was hired by DC franchisee Oscar Goldstein to come up with a new custom clown.
And Ronald McDonald was born, sort of. Here I am, kids.
Hey, isn't watching TV fun?
Scott's version of Ronald was even more unsettling than the widely accepted one with a cup for a nose, a tray full of food for a hat, and a magic belt buckle that dispensed burgers to children. Yeah, just had children reach for a clown's belt line and grab a handful of meat. |
cracked | why_the_full_house_reboot_will_be_worse_than_you_think | Fuller house Can't wait shan't wait gonna be great for those of you who aren't in the know aren't hip to it Netflix is making a sequel series to full house and it's called fuller house and everyone but Michelle is returning for at least one episode get excited right this is Exciting so get ready to have your come because here's a teaser for fuller house This teaser is incredible and not just because at the end of it You can see DJ and the others get ready to look at the camera for the promotional photo at the end But the editors like screw it. Let's just cut to the photo now This teaser was also weirdly yet clearly shot in multiple chunks. Everyone changes sizes throughout Everybody's in focus in an uncanny Valley sort of way and everybody's clearly pretending to interact with people who are not there No eye contact is made these people are not in the same room at the same time Which is weird since the whole point of the show is that it's a reunion It's like the new season of Arrested Development except none of the actors were busy and why did this house stay exactly the same? It's been 20 years sure Stamos also looks exactly the same, but the house didn't change at all I know Danny's a neat freak, but actually is he still a neat freak?
Oh good They snuck in a box labeled cleaning supplies in case you were worried that Danny might no longer be a neat freak Oh good, they made sure both tweens were holding phones in case you were worried that tweens don't be texting Oh good They included another golden retriever in case you were worried that the family didn't just keep getting the exact same dog over and over This is probably a comet three Four oh good. They included mr. Woodchuck in case you were wondering if uncle Joey and mr. Woodchuck weren't forever a sad sad package deal But also why did they need an entire box for just mr. Woodchuck whole box all to himself felt puppet great packing job tanners Oh, and hey, thanks to a box labeled Stephanie's music fragile. Here's a possible clue for this season Stephanie cares about music guess we'll have to wait and see possible conflict whoever packed Stephanie's music clearly doesn't respect her tastes as they put Fragile in quotes perhaps Jesse and Stephanie are in rival bands. Guess we'll have to wait and see Except we probably won't because Stamos is only in two episodes out of 13 and Danny and Joey are only in one Wait, so the show centers around the women moving in so Joey's not moving in So why did he pack his puppet in a box? Is that just how he carries it around in a moving box?
What's going on here and perhaps the most important easter egg of the teaser it appears that this season Will take place largely on a boat or will be largely about boats Look at every single painting on the walls in this room boat boat boat boat boat Nautical map nautical map blueprints of a boat Seriously, what the fuck is up with all of these boats? Oh and the reason the show is called fuller house isn't because the house is more full than it used to be It's because DJ's dead husband's last name was fuller DJ Tanner Fuller is her name This isn't a bit. It's completely true. Just seemed like it could double as a punchline too. Her last name is Fuller Fuller house Everybody thanks for watching the video Make sure to subscribe to our channel and click like if you liked it Don't click anything if you didn't like it and leave a comment What show do you think they haven't rebooted yet, but they definitely will but they definitely shouldn't Show your work support your answers penmanship doesn't count your typing |
cracked | inside_the_lamest_leadership_conference_of_all_time | I just don't understand why you can't say hi to Henry. I always say hi to your puppy every week.
Yeah. And she hates it. Hi puppy! Oh, oh, oh! See, I know. She's a mean lady. Can we pay attention, please? I have a proposition to propose. Leadership camp. Ugh. Yes! No. I just think it behooves us to invest in our teaminess. Fudge!
Just another way for you to lie about having a job. I do it too. A business card says executive vice-employed man.
He has rope. Courses and obstacle courses. Kind of the same. Tug of war. Using a rope, but totally different. And zip lines. Physically strapped to me. Zooming through the overbrush.
Can Henry come? He has separation anxiety if I'm gone too long. He doesn't say no to pets?
Sure. That's why I didn't go to college. Bring the cap. We'll zip line him. Heck yeah, he will. Not it to all of this. Come on, Chris.
We haven't even actually ever met, actually, in real life. Don't you ever wonder how I smell? Or how tall I am?
You'd be surprised. Oh, come on. Chris, pretty please. We can make campfires and s'mores and awful waffles and soggy biscuits and oogie woogies. Some of those aren't the things you think they are. Sam, those biscuits have come on, man. You know, maybe this is what we've been missing.
The chance for my natural leadership aura to inspire the drones in person. Well, and it's in Vegas. Fine. Yes! I will see you guys in Vegasville, Arizona. Chris looks like a grumpy vampire. Yeah, no skin cancer for me, thanks. See, this is fun.
Who needs the strip? Did you know that most people have vitamin D deficient? It's the sunshine vitamin. And we're in the sunshine state. Arizona is the copper state.
Sam, could you go ahead and turn down? I'm getting like a weird audio doubling. Oh, sorry.
Yeah, why are we on webcams? Oh, there is a reason. A leadership reason. Hold on.
I wrote it down. I'll bet you wrote it down. I'll bet it's a leadership reason. God, my handwriting is terrible.
Hey, mine too. Let me see it. Like bring it over there? Do you want to come over here? Yeah, just hold it up. I mean, I can see it.
Bye, Walter. Bye, Sam. I can barely recognize you without all the hairs on your face. I think Chris dropped out of the chat. Yeah, he dropped out. Yeah, he left his robe.
Hold on. Look, I'm just using a webcam like a regular camera.
Do you think anyone's... Maybe that could be our business. No one's thought of... Of what?
You just market a webcam. You just market a webcam as a regular camera. Because look, I'm using it like a... I guess you just use a normal camera.
Yeah, I ran back from that. There was never really a clear villain. Like the motivations... Nobody's plan ever made sense.
I can't talk about the best one. So I'm just going to give the spoiler territory here. It fucking blows spoilers.
And there's a girl in it, but she doesn't even... She's not even... It's not clear who's side she's on at any time.
And the relationship between McClain and his son is absurd. Because they think, oh, my son is a screw-up. We've got to go to trouble again.
But he's clearly a well-trained spy. He must have gone into spy school, right? He must have had some kind of military training to be a spy in Russia. So Willis must have known that he wasn't a screw-up. He must have known that for so long because he's like, we want a spy college or whatever. Why would Willis be like, oh, he's in prison again. How could he... |
cracked | where_are_they_now_90s_websites | Here we are, it's gonna be so much fun. Thanks for watching guys, gonna say hi to some people. And I'll say hi back, it'll be great.
Whoa, how? Hey, friendster. Hey. Hi. How have you been? Good.
It's me, shareyourworld.com. I was the very first video sharing site before YouTube.
So, you know. So, have you, have you kept in touch? Are you over there?
No. I'm not even hot or not dot com. You know, she's coming, cause I thought, you know. Look, I'm not being rude when I say that.
I haven't spoken to anybody in years. Literally, everybody just kind of stopped talking to me.
Okay, cool, I'll see you inside. All right, um, right.
So, I don't have a ticket per se. You know, my invite must've, you know, went to my spam or something.
But I assure you, I was a website from 1997 to 2001. Got any IP? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shareyourworld.com.
Never heard of you.
Just let me go, all right?
That'll be fun. We're gonna have a fun time. You'll have a fun time.
What? Just let me run. I just wanna say hi to people I remember. Let me. A new version of me is available. Would you like to update now? Yes.
Thanks, bye. Oh my gourd. It's packed with the whole gang. Wow, long time, long time.
What have y'all been up to? Do you not know? We know. Okay, so, how have you been? Call Google. We've been fine. Okay, um, has anyone seen hot or not.com yet? You know, she's coming. You know what, nevermind. I will just ask Yahoo.
Where's he? You guys used to hang out with him all the time, right? Mr. Yahoo did not want to come. He has better things to do.
Most of the other websites did. What do you mean, most of them? Okay, thanks, y'all. If you like our sound, be sure to pick up a CD. All right, but before we get back to the tunes, real quick, we have a superlative speech from our most likely to succeed monster.com. Yes!
Ugh, hey. Has anyone, um, could I just crash on somebody's couch tonight? I just need to send some emails.
I got a lot of leads. Oh, shit. I just got pee out of these. Oh, Bob Dole. Man, I should pee too.
That's not cool. Ha, yeah. Come on, guys. Whee, you can't go in the guy's room. You're so bad. Relax.
Capture doesn't care, an open diary is puking it up in there, and I cannot deal with that right now. Ew. Boo, I shouldn't have even come. No way, I love the people watching. Practically, everyone here has a throwaway account with me. The things I could tell you. Well, I don't like it. I don't even remember half of them. Oh, my gore.
You know who I think I saw, though? Share your world? Remember, he was that guy that would always videotape people and then show it to everybody? Super creepy.
YouTube. Ew, no, YouTube's hot.
This guy was not. Ew. Oh, wait, camera guy, yeah. Supes creeps. I thought I sent his invitation to his trash bin.
Gross. V-gross. Totes gross. Sex.
Okay, thanks everyone. You know, it's been real fun jamming with these cats again, even if we do have to go back to prison tomorrow. So, okay, so they're gonna go have some fun. You're welcome. It's just gonna be me up here for the rest of the night, but first, we have another superlative speech from our class clown, crack.com, everybody. Woo! Thank you, Napster.
You're probably expecting me to come up here and do some jokes, maybe tell you a few funny stories. Yeah, you know. But here's the thing, folks.
People change and there are some serious issues facing all of us, seven specifically. You know, and some of you out there, you need to change what you do and how you act.
What's funny? What's fucking funny? It's not funny, just shut up and just listen for once.
It's, okay, this is gonna take a while. All right, great stuff. Let's get back on the dance floor. One, two, three, four. Oh, hey, I was just, oh, thanks for helping me leave because I was going to anyway, because it's stupid.
A new version of me is available. Would you like to update now? No, yeah, I don't think so.
I'm gonna do it.
No, yeah, I don't care. Do what you want.
Holy crap, this camera guy is sharing the worlds.com.
Remember? Yeah, yeah, I remember you. Yeah, we just met, man. Hey, yeah, you look like you're having fun now. Oh, my gosh, so good talking to people again. I like us.
Catching up with Lycos. Woo, woo.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, a whole bunch of us are gonna go over to Limewater's house and watch Reservoir Dogs. Reservoir Dogs. You should totally come with us. Come on, camera guy. Watch the movie.
Let's go. Whoa. Oh, oh. Hey. Yeah.
You want a job? No, no, no, thank you, sir. Hey, wait up. Wait up.
Oh, yeah, oh, this place crap anyway. Let me come with you guys. Ah, fuck. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, no, no, no, guys.
Do I look buffered?
Hey, thanks for watching that video. Make sure to like and subscribe. That's the joke. Hey, thanks for watching that particular video. Make sure to like it and subscribe to our channel because this is your first day on YouTube and you didn't know you could do that. The words are right there. |
ClickHole | learn_attack_what_in_god_s_name_is_going_on_with_planes | Airplanes, the swift camels of the sky. For thousands of years, humanity has gazed at airplanes and wondered how they stay up there.
Are they good or evil? What do they smell like?
Well, get ready to hijack the cockpit of information right now on Learn Attack. Look outside and tell me what you see. Go on, I'll give you a few moments. Welcome back. Did you see an airplane? You did? Fantastic. We're off to a good start.
Inventors have long tried to copy the way birds fly. Early attempts at aviation centered on tying a rope to the fender of a Ford and trying to toss a grappling hook around the neck of a passing vulture. Even as far back as the Renaissance, Leonardo da Vinci realized that flying would be fucking cool and drew a sketch of what it would look like if a king gave a flying person a thumbs up. It wasn't until the Wright brothers found an airplane in the woods that humanity finally learned how to fly. But enough history.
How do planes work? The secret behind flight is overhead bins. By cramming your suitcase into the luggage compartment, you're putting pressure on the airplane's roof to push it up higher. Birds and planes are very similar, except birds have an anus and planes have a penis. Scientists call this the bird plane difference. Exactly how fast can airplanes go? Let me put it this way.
Imagine this golf ball represents traveling 10 miles per hour. This basketball would represent the top running speed of a cheetah. This jump rope represents the speed of a basketball shot out of cannons. Now, multiply three basketballs times two jump ropes divided by a golf ball squared minus basketball over bowling pin and that's how fast an airplane travels.
Neat, huh? One of the most famous people to ride in an airplane is actor Mike Myers. And here's another fact. God can't tell planes and helicopters apart. And that's why there is only one word for the both of them in his language. Scarlon.
Air travel is incredibly safe. To make sure an airplane is safe, the FAA bangs twice on the hull. If it sounds pretty solid, it's good to go. In fact, airplanes are so safe that if you aren't in a plane right now, you're probably going to die. I haven't even mentioned the best thing about planes. You can use them to go to Hawaii or to run over a pedophile. Yep, airplanes are definitely the real deal. In the words of famed aviator Amelia Earhart, there is no greater thrill than taking off down the runway, lifting up into the air and looking down at the angry mob that ran you out of town for eating all their livestock. Until next time, I've been David and you just got attacked. |
cracked | 12_things_that_pissed_me_off_about_larry_king_s_interview | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'll be counting down Larry King's interview of Barbara Walters. Let's see how well Barbara disguises her contempt for Larry.
Her memoir audition is out and it's an instant bestseller. Does that surprise you? It delights me. I don't know very much about publishing, but I hear that it is unprecedented and it makes me very happy that people read it. Of course, the press was unprecedented too. I mean, you got so much.
Yes. No, I mean there's ... Ooh. See, nobody's fooled by this face when you've already made that face. Let's try again.
Was it difficult to write about things like relationships? Well, I wrote about very few. I mean, you read the book, so you know what it was about. There were many more, right?
Is that what you said? No, no, no. That's no good either. See, you can't really sell a fake laugh if you go dead in the eyes a second later. Maybe you should just change the subject. Talk of a more innocent time.
I used to sit in the lighting booth of the Latin Quarter in Florida when I was seven, eight years old. I could do everybody's act.
Larry? Hello, Larry. Who is this, Larry?
Senor Wences.
I haven't seen him since I watched The Muppet Show as a kid. Do you remember the Spanish song? Yes. Can you sing for me now, please?
Okay. I've got to tell you, Babs, it's a little weird, but, you know, at least you didn't, like, make up your whole hand. It's all right.
I'm afraid. I'm a little yawny.
And then there was a man in the box, remember? Open the box. Close the box. Open the box.
Now you're really creeping me out. Bring back angry Barbara. Larry, ask her about Star Jones. No, one of the things you have a lot of attention is the Star Jones question.
Yes. And I feel involved. We'll show a clip in a minute because she did come to the show after she left The View. Yes, she did a lot of shows after she left The View. But she did us first. That's right, Larry.
Edward R. Murrow brought down McCarthy. Woodward and Bernstein cracked Watergate.
But it was you who landed the Star Jones interview. And I really want to remember the happy days and the good days because Star was a wonderful talent. That's classy, Barbara. You're above petty insults.
And, you know, Star is going through a very hard time now. And, you know, she lost her show. She's getting a divorce. She went into that marriage. You know, so in love. And we had to lie for her. The ratings were going way down. The focus group showed it. And then there was a whole thing with this most lavish way. It took her a long time to get a job.
That still counts as trash talk, Barbara. It's not all right. It's all right. But let's get to the story that everyone's interested in. You had an affair with a married black senator 31 years ago? Was there any hesitancy, and this is asked because of the time when it was in that decade, about being with a black person? I think because my father was in show business, because I grew up seeing all these different acts, I probably was colorblind. More open to that. So you're saying the entertainers we see as children can influence our romantic decisions later in life? That's... Well, that would explain my sex life in junior high school. That's hate by numbers, and that's all for now. |
SaturdayNightLive | iran_so_far_snl_digital_short | They say true love comes only once in a lifetime and even though we're from opposite ends of the earth, my heart tells me you're the one for me, Machmoud.
I remember when it started, saw you on the news, you were hatin'' Gays, I was hatin'' through but I was feelin'' you And even though I disagreed with almost everything you said, you ain't wrong to me, so strong to me, you belong to me, like a very hairy Jake Gyllenhaal to me, Machmoud made my heart beat right outta my chest, my mind says no, but my body says yes, no, it's not the only thread I see, it's the thread of you not comin'' home with me, my love for each other's like when atoms collide, can't express how I feel, And yo Adam, let's ride, And I ran, and so far away, it's your home, But in my heart you'll stay, he ran before the President, I ran, we ran together to a tropical island, My man, my home is more than violent, smilin', if he can still do it than I can, they call you weasel, they say your methods are medieval, you can play the Jews, I can be your Jim Caviezel, that's the land, that's the land, let me wrestle it, you could be the hort that I park my vessel in, so I try to meet the Tv, but you can still see me with your sleepy brown eyes, but it became thighs in your hair and blood, Yeah, I ran so far away, come home, and in my arms you'll stay, I used to look at the stars and dream, around the whole same stars you see, and the twinkle things in your eyes, my home talks, full of terrain, through the night time, your clothes are my wasted days, so fly, you can take a trip to the animal zoo, and laugh at all the funny things the animals do, like your gene, you got me straight trippin',' I hope you look at my eyes and say i'm trippin' too, you say I'm better off than gone, but they already do, you should know by now, it's you And I said, I ran so far away, it's your home, but in my heart you'll stay, you're crazy.
You're crazy for this one, my mood, you can deny the hard cost all you want, but you can't deny that there's something between us, I know you say there's no gays in Iran, but you're in New York now baby, it's gonna stop, it's gonna stop moving, it's gonna stop moving, |
dropout | the_jeggings_gang_gets_pre_torn_jeans | Hello, class. First, let me just say how ecstatic I am that the whole jeggings craze seems to be dead.
Second, fuck you guys. Because this is way, way worse.
What are you talking about? What are you wearing? Denim?
Dude, this is totally classic. New rule.
No jeans that look like somebody did a bad job shoving them into a paper shredder. What about my acid wash broken in paint stain tank top? Why do you want to wear clothes that make it look like you can't afford clothes? Because they look relaxed, fogey. That means old man, but it's from the 90s. What about my shit covered jacket? Aside from the fact you're wearing a jacket covered in shit, looks like you have about 10 layers on, so take it off. It's actually all one layer. Jesus. Do I have to take off my salsa stain skirt and my trashy boots? You've got a giant salsa stain on your crotch. Yeah, so it looks worn in. It looks like you suck at eating tortilla chips, and your boots are just paper bags with rubber bands. Yeah, so they look kind of found. You smell like spoiled food.
Whatever. Fogey. Okay, seriously, does that mean something new now?
Evan smells too. That's unfair. Evan's poor.
Hey! Come on, whatever. Alright, Bobby, is that a cup of change?
It's a wallet that makes it look like I gave up. Monica, a bindle? It's a purse that makes it look like I gave up.
Tyra! A shopping cart! It's a backpack that... I get it. Does it fit on the bus? Yes. Eventually.
Oh my god, Ashley, you're bleeding. Uh, yeah, I'm wearing a shank. You're going to die. You're not threatening me, fogey. Alright, listen up.
This is a private school. It costs like $18,000 a year in tuition to go here.
Stop dressing like you're homeless. We're not. You're holding a sign that says, Help! Homeless! Hungry! Face the brand name.
Alright, everybody, listen up. You want to be big red bitches? New rules.
Are we clear? You in the back. Are we clear?
You got any change, man? Are you an actual homeless person that followed these students in here? Uh, I thought they were going to a shelter. Get out. Man, I fought for this country.
What are you doing? Hey, Ron. What are you doing? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_adam_sandler_sings_dip_doodle_the_grandma_song_snl | Hey, finally, a guy used to work here, Adam Sandler!
Hey, Adam!
How are you doing, buddy?
Norm, two months ago my grandmother passed away, and I've been thinking a lot about her and what she meant to me, so I sat down, I wrote a song, and even though this song is about my grandmother, in a way I think you'll see it's about everybody's grandmother.
Here we go. |
TheOnion | McCain_Left_On_Campaign_Bus_Overnight | A slight mishap on the campaign trail for John McCain. Staffers confirmed this morning that the 72-year-old senator was accidentally left on his campaign bus overnight after a speech in Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania. Joining us now from the War for the White House Election Analysis bunker with details is Jane Carmichael. Good to see you, Jane. Hi, Andrea. Now, how did campaign officials discover they had left Senator McCain all by himself? Well, Andrea, according to a campaign spokesman, just after 7 a.m., two local Stroudsburg residents were taking a morning walk when they noticed a forlorn-looking McCain staring out a window on the bus.
Uh-huh. When they asked him if he wanted to be let out, the senator nodded yes, and the women opened the door. We spoke with the women earlier via phone. I saw all these scratches all over the window, and I thought, something is going on here. He wants to get out. Now, Jane, we've heard that the senator wasn't seriously injured. That's right, Andrea. Apparently several windows on the bus were opened a crack, so he was in no real danger. Oh, well, lucky for the senator. Yes, he was apparently extremely thirsty and really needed to use the restroom, but he was otherwise okay.
The women found his wife's phone number in one of McCain's coat pockets and used a cell phone to call her. Well, that was smart thinking by whoever put that number in his pocket.
Yes. Now, we understand there were some damages done to the bus. Yes. Senator McCain ripped the bus seat fabric quite a bit and scattered a box of half-eaten granola bars throughout the interior, but McCain's staffers were quick to point out that it was quite natural that the senator panicked after waking up to find himself all alone on a dark bus. Of course.
McCain's spokesman answered questions about this earlier today. Senator McCain has his good days and his bad days. This apparently was one of his bad days.
He was resting comfortably now. We bought him some black licorice and a book of puzzles, so that ought to keep him busy for a while.
The campaign is taking steps to make sure this doesn't happen again. They plan to buy McCain a state-of-the-art communication and locating device. They're also planning to post a sign inside the bus, reminding campaign staffers to double-check that they have the senator before locking the bus at night.
Well, it sounds like the McCain campaign learned a valuable lesson today, Jane. You bet they did, Andrea. Taking care of John McCain is a big responsibility. No, it sure is, but they all knew that when they got him as their candidate, so they need to take this seriously. Well, they certainly do, Jane. Thank you for the update. Although McCain doesn't appear to have suffered any injuries during his ordeal, campaign officials said that just to be safe, they plan to take him to the D.O.C.T.O.R. Moving on, in a speech today, Barack Obama promised Wisconsin residents he would get them jobs in different, better states. |
cracked | moments_in_comedy_that_changed_history | Here are five moments in comedy that rocked the world, including a few that shook the comics as well. Starting in 1964 when Lenny Bruce went to jail, comedians who complained they can't say anything anymore, this is what cancel culture really looked like. Bruce got himself banned from clubs and entire cities for bits that the locals deemed dirty, smutty, and downright dangerous. He was arrested on obscenity charges after authorities secretly recorded him in a New York club. When he got out, no club would hire him.
Then in 1975, SNL introduced national lampoon sensibilities to a national audience. Belushi flat out died in the show's first ever sketch. It had dark, chaotic qualities that soon transferred to the movies via Animal House and became the general tone and language of comedy for at least the rest of the 20th century.
In 1978, George Carlin proved that getting arrested for provocative language didn't die with Bruce. Carlin performed his seven dirty words you can't say on television bit at an outdoor music festival in Milwaukee in 1972. And like Bruce, he was arrested. |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_drug_deals_went_before_gps | Who are you? You're not the spider? No, I'm the gecko. I think I met the wrong drug deal. What?
It was supposed to be in the middle of nowhere. This is the edge of nowhere.
Ah, shoot! Okay, well, I have drugs if you still want to... I have drugs too. Okay, uh, what kind? Cause I got... Heroin. Shit. Cool. Wait, so if we're both here...
I got the money. No, I got the money. I mean, you will when I give it to you.
What? And then he was like, Sell the drugs! And I was like, okay!
Oh my god, we have so much in common. Yeah, yeah, man, this is so much fun. I'm honestly so glad this happened. We should totally do this again sometime.
What about Sunday? Ooh, I would, but I can't Sunday.
I'm gonna be Selling drugs! Oh, I get that, man. I totally get that. I wonder how it went for the other guys. This is what you get for crossing Silver Suarez in the Vasco Cartel. Oh god, hey! I'm sorry, who?
Hey guys, thanks for watching. Please be sure to like, comment, subscribe. Also, special thanks to ZuQuap Studios. We couldn't have done it without them, so please go check them out.
I got the money. No. I got the money. Hahahaha |
dropout | my_box_of_bullsh_t_came | Man, oh man, oh man, oh man, it finally came! What did you get? It's Box of Bullshit! Oh, you know, I heard about this on, um, every podcast. Oh, yeah, it's great. For only $20 a month, they send you a mystery crate full of garbage you don't need. What did you get this month? Oh, man! So much unnecessary trash!
Look, a triple XL T-shirt of a Triforce made of pizza. Oh, Lord of the Rings stickers! And it's from The Hobbit, the best ones! Oh, and a wind-up toy that's already broken. Cool! I don't get it.
Can't you just get all this dumbass stuff at some kind of stupid mall? The mall? Pat, I hate the mall. You can't avoid the advertisements there.
Whoa, a pen covered in logos! Score! Oh, and a thimble full of punk tween brand Arctic Blast shaving cream register trademark. Okay, I think I get it.
It's kind of like Christmas every month if the only person who bought you presents was a terrible uncle. Right, yes, some terrible uncle who doesn't know you or the things you like.
Oh, look at this! It's a promo code you can enter into a website and get 10% off ugly shoes. Oh, and a note from the curator explaining his horrible choices. Wow, you know what? I was skeptical at first, but I gotta admit, this is an impressive collection of dumbass rubbish. That's not even everything, Pat.
Look, a dog biscuit for a dog I don't have. Oh, and something that looks like a granola bar, but it's made entirely out of pistachio shells.
Hmm, and I'm bored with it. So in a way, you waited a month to move trash, packed in trash, into the trash for $20 a month. And I haven't even told you the best part yet. You know that empty feeling you sometimes get in yourself and you feel like the only thing you can do to fill that hole is to buy yourself something new and shiny and then it makes you happy for a little bit, but then it goes away so you have to buy yourself something else? Sure. A box of bullshit makes it even easier to continue that endless cycle of depression and meaningless consumption. You just sit on your couch, the trash piles up around you, and the highs and lows of emotion blend together into it. I'm convinced this sounds awful.
How do I cancel? Oh, it's easy, Pat. You can't.
Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary house, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. Thanks for watching. I'm Mike Trapp.
Have a great week. See you next week. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_the_bachelor | Welcome back to Bleak Glue, I am Jeff Rubin, joined by Adam Conover and my co-host Pat Cassels. This week we are playing what I believe to be the shittiest video game released since we last made one of these, The Bachelor, the video game for the wave. We're backstage here at Fashion Week in Los Angeles, and today, you're the models. Oh wait, so now you're playing The Bachelorette because you're going to try to win that girl, right? This game includes both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in that they're both the exact same thing, except one is women and women.
Did it cost twice as much? Yes, that's right. Twelve dollars.
Who will be the first to get dressed, memorize the position of each fashion item? This is exactly what they do on the show. This is your weapon, the NX45 laser sighted chainsaw on barrels. So every episode is basically a mini-game that you play to impress your date, again, just like real life. Are we going to get to hear music? You're the contestant, you're not the guy. Yeah, yeah, you are competing for The Love of The Bachelor.
You're not choosing. I'm playing video games because I'm tired of being judged by the opposite sex. Yeah. So why am I going to subject myself to romantic failure? Anyone pay better attention to the instructions than I do.
It said you receive a random color. What's your color?
Oh. Okay. Okay, so you lost your hat because you, okay, wait, no. The glasses again. I'm just brute forcing this one, I'm just opening every drawer. But you have to get them all in order, because when you get one wrong, now you have to get the glasses. You lose your... Guys, is this what sex is like? Yes. Now I get it.
I think Nathan, the guy we're competing against here. So this is us, this is Nathan. And I think Nathan's wearing a thong.
Those are his pubes. He's totally bottomless, right? Puts it over her face.
What an amazing night. It's the kind of experience that only Vegas can provide, and of course we got the pictures to prove it.
I put the wrist strap on. Careful man. Careful. Hat. Just... You don't know what could happen. You could whip that thing real fast and go right to the screen. I feel like it's the nerdiest thing to bully someone with. You know what I mean? Like... Look at this guy with the wrist strap.
No one wins this. So the other major feature of the game is actually love tests. And there's like little quizzes kind of like, you know, the kind of thing you'd see online, except now it's on your way.
I'm gonna really try and answer this. Alright, let's do it. Alright.
Your date shows up at the door. What's the first thing you look at?
Oh god. Their body, done. Boom. Technically three of these are her body. You know? But I guess that's not... I think that's what they mean. You know what they mean when they say their body. Umm... God, I don't know. I kind of want to say body. Right? Only because like, just statistically. Yeah. That's been... My wingman. Alright. And I... That... She found... What?
Alright.
Oh, wink. Hello. Smooth.
Whoa! Yeah! It's coming to me, man!
She's like, you found all those hexagons. You look like all the hexagons. I'm in love with you. There you go. Look how... You look like Martin Short.
Comic books and video games. Two factions that have never before fought until now. Well, there was Marvelverse Capcom 2. Right. The bloodbath continues. But also DC vs Mortal Kombat.
Alright. I understand. As I said, I realized there were other ones.
Hey, we're back! This is fun! We're back!
Whatever. |
dropout | streeter_theeter_phantom_society | Elinor. What's going on?
Patrick Elinor Castles, you have been tapped. He is tapped. He is among the chosen. Tapped? What do you mean tapped?
You have been selected from among thousands to be given a great gift. The gift is given to those who are worthy, Patrick Elinor Castles. Who are these people, Phantom? They are chosen like you. You didn't think I was the only Phantom, did you? We are many, though we are few.
Patrick Elinor Castles. Why would you stop using my middle name? Absolutely not. The fan clan is as old as time itself. Granted, he turned alive to watch over the human race. Join us, Patrick Elinor Castles. Elinor. That sounds like a noble mission. I accept. Brothers, I submit Patrick Elinor Castles for induction.
What say ye? Say we ye. Let our newest member submit to the trial. I'm sorry, trial? Yes. Each new Phantom must submit to the trial and reveal his deepest secret while also taking a dump in this big plastic bucket. Um... Okay.
Why? Why that?
Come on, man. I had to pull a lot of strings to get you in here. Just fucking bucket. Patrick Elinor Castles, close thy eyes and cleanse thyself.
Okay. Alright.
fuck. The most embarrassing thing about me is that the reason my middle name is Elinor is that I was born with a non-functioning vagina and my parents decided to make me a dude instead of a girl. But they had to wait a few weeks for the surgery, so I was a woman technically named Elinor for the first few weeks of my life. What the hell? Come on, man. That's fucked up.
That is low. Stop it. The fan clan. Are there other phantoms out there? There's only one. Elinor?
We need the bucket. Everyone get a good look when you get the bucket.
I'll send out the email of the picture. Tweet it. Oh, I should tweet it. |
dropout | prank_news_all_star_edition | Hi, we're here in New York City today, the site of this year's All-Star Game and upcoming Fashion Week to prove that people will believe anything you say if you look like a newsman and are holding a microphone.
In an effort to avoid a deflated ball situation, the league is going to be over-inflating the balls. Do you think that the extra bounce will help or hurt the game? I think they should be used to playing with an inflated ball or a dead ball, they're professionals. I've played basketball for many years and a hard ball is really, really not good, especially with friendly bounce. I do think as a player, sometimes, basketballs are probably more responsive and have more to do. The inflation of basketball maybe has more to do with the game than a football.
I'm just saying it's a publicity stunt, do you agree? I can see that.
Yeah, mixing the sports. Key football, football, basketball, basketball. The league is going to be piloting a new shirts for skins format with the Western All-Stars going shirtless. Do you think they will have an advantage over the Eastern All-Stars? Yeah, they're going to be all sweaty and harder to hold onto and they'll be a lot more slippery. I don't know if it's going to be an advantage to their playing or not, it'll be interesting to see.
Shorts? No shirt. Yeah. It's nothing like rubbing up against a big sweaty guy. Yeah. It's always a disadvantage of basketball. Okay.
Guess it should be fun for the ladies. I'm excited for it.
That's how we play in the street all the time, shirts for skins. The players' jerseys and shorts will be sewn together in an effort to cut down on pantsing during the games. Do you think the commissioner is overreaching his bounds by changing up the uniform? Totally overreaching his bounds. Actually part of the fun is the deep pantsing. I think that's a little overreach. I think they should just have fun. It's part of the game, it's part of seeing the players interact with each other. The tradition started in 1998 when Michael Jordan pantsed Kobe Bryant.
Some are saying, you know what? This tradition should continue while others are saying maybe it's time to retire that when Kobe retires. What do you think? I don't know how you'd really retire. Well, I guess you could retire it. Yeah. Probably just retire when Kobe retires. End it with him. I think that would probably be a good idea. Nope.
Kobe is a legend and I think what he started should continue on throughout the NBA. The All-Star Game happens during the same week as Fashion Week this year. The league is actually holding the dunk contest on a runway instead of a traditional court.
Do you think that's a good idea? I think it's great because it integrates two different audiences that might not watch either of them.
Players will have the choice between an Armani tuxedo and an Alexander McQueen male romper. Which one do you think will be easier to dunk in? Brother tuxedo. Definitely the romper. Do you think that the high-trend fashions that they'll be wearing will get in the way of the dunks that they're doing?
Possibly. I hope not though because we don't need to buy an engine going into the playoffs. What's going to be dangerous about it? What is the... Not all of the shoes are sport shoes. Oh. Yeah, I mean even coming just to the shoes but also the actual wood they give to the court jumping. I mean that's a huge aspect. Some are even saying that the color of the red carpet that they'll be walking down will be very difficult and a little bit of a distraction.
Do you agree? Yeah. Oh yeah. 100%.
The league is going to lower the rim by one foot so that more players can dunk during the All-Star Game. Do you think that that's a good idea? I have mixed feelings on that because it's always been at a certain height. More players that can do it, the more opportunities to please the fans. So yeah, I think it's a good idea. Do you agree? Yeah, I think it's a smart idea. The more dunks there are, the more fans are happy. So it's good. Some are saying that once they raise that back up to the regular height, after the All-Star Game people are going to be turned off again.
Do you think that would happen? I think totally. That was exactly what's going to happen.
So keep it as is. Alright, don't change a thing.
Great. Super. |
SaturdayNightLive | elton_john_statement_saturday_night_live | Last week, Elton John swore at reporters in Taiwan who mobbed him at the airport, calling them rude, vile pigs. Here to explain his actions is our old friend, Sir Elton John. hello, Tina. where's my Jimmy Boy?
Well, he's gone.
Amy's here now. you're not really my cup of tea, dear. if you know what I mean. because you're superhumanly gay? Yes. But, uh, so it sounds like you had a pretty bad time in Taiwan. Tina, I'm sick about the whole situation. and other lady. my name's Amy, actually. Rhonda. you know, I've always expressed myself best via music. this song is my gesture of forgiveness. And you can tell everybody I love Taiwan. it may seem like a bunch of bull now that I'm gone. I hope you don't mind that I was not kind to those little vile pigs. how wonderful it would be if they were all shot through the neck with a crossbow. Yeesh! it sounds like you have not forgiven anyone, Elton John. well, not Jimmy. they were rude. and I'm sorry, Tina, and the other girl.
But the bottom line is, I was homesick. haven't you ever missed someone you loved? Yeah, well, yeah, of course, Elton, yeah. I miss Lace so much, I miss my guy. it's lonely on the road, and there's no one there to love you when you're away from home.
But I think it's gonna be a long, long time before I ever see Taiwan again. the people suck and the food smells weird. I hate Taiwan, but I hate China too. Also, Korea, Japan, and Singapore! Oh, wait a minute. wait a minute, you hate all of Asia? You hate all of Asia. |
cracked | explaining_all_the_saw_movies_saw_i_spiral | Hello, Jordan. I want to play a game.
The TV in front of you will play the entire Saw Octology back-to-back. Watch them closely and provide detailed story recaps.
Fail to do so and you'll never be fell. Live or die. The choice is yours. Alright, fine.
The first movie opens with two men waking up in what appears to be a pretty typical Arby's bathroom. You know, dead body with a gun and a micro-cassette player in the middle of the floor and all that. And weirdly, if you look closely, you can definitely tell the dead guy on the floor is breathing. Not sure if that matters or not. The two guys are also chained to the wall, unable to escape and not really sure why they're there other than because, you know, Arby's has the meats.
We quickly learned that the first guy, who looks exactly like the Dread Pirate Roberts but with with more pit stains, is actually Lawrence Gordon, a surgeon and a parent philanderer who has a wife and a daughter and the latter of whom has just just a massive tootsie. Oh, what a big tootsie.
The other guy is Adam, who wrote this movie and went on to write and direct upgrade Invisible Man, which both slapped. The men have almost nothing in common except they both suck ass at throwing things.
The two men find micro-cassettes in their pockets and use the dead dude's player to give them a listen. Adam's micro-cassette says he should try and escape and Lawrence's says he should try and kill Adam by six o'clock.
The games begin! Adam discovers two hacksaws in the toilet and they realize that the easiest way to escape would be to saw their feet off.
The twisted nature of their situation reminds Lawrence of a serial killer named Jigsaw who was never caught. Then flashback! Detective Stephen Singh, Alison Carey, and David Tapp, who's way too old for this shit, inspect the grisly aftermath of a sweaty dude unsuccessfully climbing through a bunch of razor wire. It turns out this was not a sexual mishap but rather a horrible test devised by an unknown serial killer who the police are really quick to point out isn't technically a killer because he merely arranges little games where people technically kill themselves technically which I'm totally sure would technically hold up in court. The cops dubbed the killer Jigsaw because they had cut little Jigsaw pieces out of their victim's skin. We also know Jigsaw's intentions because there's a tape explaining to the sweaty dude that because he tried to kill himself and therefore clearly doesn't appreciate life he will now have to crawl through a bunch of razor wire in a set time limit. If he survived presumably he would learn to appreciate life more and wear a lot more sweaters to cover his inevitable horrific full-body scarring but he didn't survive so I think the lesson was lost on him. One of Lawrence's pin lights is found at the scene of the not technically a murder technically and so he becomes a prime suspect. It never comes up but Lawrence also owns a huge-ass Jigsaw puzzle piece clock which seems like a red flag. Unfortunately for the police Lawrence actually has a rock-solid engorged alibi in that the night of the slaying he was slaying some shit that wasn't his wife's. But the police still ask Lawrence to hear the story of somebody who did survive a Jigsaw trap a drug addict named Amanda. Amanda was forced to cut open the stomach of a dude to grab a key that'll open a reverse bear trap on her head. But that is way easier than crawling through razor wire sawing off your own foot or I'm gonna guess any of the other million traps in this horrible franchise. Amanda claims the experience of hurting somebody else has actually helped her get clean so I guess that counts as a Jigsaw trap working? Not sure how that metric applies to the opiate dude laying on the floor had to die to teach Amanda's lesson. Not sure how he's supposed to escape his drug overdose and learn to appreciate his life but okay. Anyway with that videotape that Jigsaw used for Amanda, Detective Tapp guesses the location of Jigsaw and he and Sing forego like securing a warrant or getting back up and they just bum rush the warehouse of a known booby-trapping mastermind in the middle of the night and as expected it goes poorly. Sing gets shotgun to death and Tapp gets his throat slashed but but not to death just a light like a jig slashing.
And this is the part of the movie where I started to wonder where Jigsaw gets the money for traps and extremely detailed dioramas. Also how much did that evil robe cost? Like what store carries coats like that? Did Jigsaw sew it personally?
For a serial killer their craft skills are through the goddamn roof but okay that's the end of the flashback that I totally forgot was a flashback by this point. Presently Lawrence's wife and daughter are tied up by a man watching Lawrence and Adam in the filthy bathroom through some camera. Simultaneously it turns out that Tapp went crazy after the death of his partner got fired from the force and now full-time stalks Lawrence still under the belief that he is the Jigsaw killer. In the bathroom Lawrence finds a box with a one-way cell phone which I think is usually just called a baby monitor but the box also has two cigarettes a lighter and a reminder that he really needs to kill Adam already and also the blood of the guy on the floor is presumably poisoned.
The implication here seems to be that he should dip a cigarette in blood and then give it to Adam to smoke but surely Adam would see and or smell freaking blood on a white cigarette? But it doesn't matter because Lawrence tricks his captor by flicking off the lights and whispering a warning to Adam so quietly the microphone doesn't pick it up. He then turns the lights back on and throws Adam a non-bloody cigarette which Adam smokes and then tries to win a Oscar for best supporting actor. The captor isn't fooled by this big-brain scheme and electrocutes Adam through his chain to wake him back up.
Oh and apparently the guy who captured Adam and Lawrence moonlights as an orderly at Lawrence's hospital and his name's Zep Hindle when he isn't crawling around in a pig mask or taking down the Dharma initiative. But he's not the only weirdo here because we suddenly learn Adam has also been stalking Lawrence and taking pictures of them because he was hired by Tapp and if you're keeping score at home that brings us up to three people simultaneously stalking Lawrence. Lawrence eventually delays killing Adam for so long that Zep is forced to kill Lawrence's wife but twist! Zep is weak as shit and he gets his ass handed to him. Even more helpfully one of Lawrence's many stalkers Tapp sees the gunfire and runs in a stop Zep. Unfortunately Tapp forgets this isn't the video game control and guns have a finite amount of ammo. Lawrence's family escaped to a nearby Indian family and Tapp chases Zep to the Arby's bathroom where the boys are. Unfortunately nobody stopped to explain any of this to Lawrence. He just hears gunshots and screaming while speaking with his wife over the phone so he freaks out cuts his own foot off and then shoots Adam with a gun on the floor. Tapp catches up with Zep who shoots Tapp dead and then Zep comes into the room to kill Lawrence because there are rules but twist again Adam didn't die and even though he's been shot remember Zep is weak as shit and he allows Adam to beat him to death with a toilet top. Lawrence army crawls away for help and almost certainly bleeds to death after like ten feet or ten ten foot but then in the biggest twist of all remember the dead guy on the floor high notice was breathing at the beginning while he's alive which explains the breathing.
His name is John Kramer and he is in fact the jigsaw killer. It turns out Kramer has a brain tumor as well as nerves of ice because he never once flinches even as people shoot each other beat each other to death scream and generally throw shit everywhere he hates people who don't value life and so has been devising traps this whole time to learn people some death for life. Zep was just another victim of this and his trap was to I guess basically be jigsaw for a day while Kramer took a nap on the bathroom floor because Kramer also values efficient delegation. Anyway Kramer leaves the bathroom and a still shot still tied up out of behind he also turns off the lights like a real a**hole while Adam screams over the credits.
Game over! Can I get some food or something? There's a jar of peanut butter in the corner but you'll notice I've covered the Florence spikes. These are Dorito crumbs. Game over.
So Saw 2 opens with a guy wearing a reverse reverse bear trap on his head so a bear trap. But if he doesn't pluck a key out of his eyeball he'll die and he dies. Almost immediately it's apparent this movie is not directed by the guy who went on to helm massive action films like Furious 7 and Aquaman because the first movie had a lot of interesting camera pans and transitions and this movie tries its best.
I'll be right there. What do you got?
The now dead guy was a police informant who worked with semi-disgraced police detective Eric Matthews a man who looks suspiciously like a somewhat deflated Mark Wahlberg and who makes me wish this important middle-aged white guy character had a more distinctive name. Eric has a son Daniel who steals things and hates his dad and the boy's mother is Eric's former lover and plays no part in this story. Apparently Eric used to be partners with detective Alison Carey who showed up sporadically in the first movie to deliver tiny bits of exposition and she has a much larger role in this movie in that she delivers much more exposition. And semi-disgraced though he may be it appears Kramer wants Eric to look closely at this murder.
He deduces this because it's spray-painted on the ceiling. Eric eventually realizes that the metal on the reverse reverse bear trap has the name of a factory on it because I guess they manufactured these for commercial use or maybe Kramer himself branded the piece of metal specifically so Eric could feel clever when he solved its origin. Why not just spray paint the address on the wall but anyway Eric Alison and officer Daniel Rigg whose personality is best described as bandana bust into the warehouse and of course get booby trapped because again the guy's whole thing is booby traps. He's Kevin McAllister with cancer. After removing the dead and injured cops they head upstairs to find Kramer and a bunch of computer monitors displaying people trapped in the house including Eric's son alongside a big dude named Xavier a nice dude named Jonas a stupid dude named Gust and a parent semi-disgraced padawan named Obie a whiny lady named Laura a hot lady named Addison and a repeat lady named Amanda from the first movie. Too many people apparently Amanda's return because even though she doesn't do drugs anymore she has started cutting herself. The game is they've got two hours to find a bunch of antidotes spread throughout the house that'll prevent them from dying from some slow acting poison seeping through the vents. Apparently there is one in the safe they're all looking at but the clue they're given is too cryptic so Gust takes a key that they are expressly told not to use on the door and he uses it on the door.
Rip Gust. Next it's revealed that Obie captured them all for Jigsaw a la Zep. Rip Zep.
But then I guess he got captured himself like a goof but it doesn't matter because he catches on fire to death five seconds later. In another room there are a bunch of syringes in a pit and Xavier chucks Amanda in to find a key that will open a door but she's too late. At some point amidst all the catching on fire and getting syringed they realize they've all been incarcerated thanks to evidence planted by Daniel's cop daddy. They get kind of mad at Daniel but nobody really cares that much to be honest. Eventually Xavier realizes they have numbers on the backs of their necks that theoretically correspond to the coat on that safe but instead of politely offering neck massages Xavier hunts everybody down though they kind of just all die on their own. Xavier kills Jonas but then Laura just dies from the gas for no reason and then Addison dies in a trap that really is not fair at all. Xavier comes for Amanda and Daniel but the two escape through a door under the safe which opens to a tunnel leading to the bathroom from the first saw and just like any other Arby's bathroom it has not been cleaned anytime recently. And before finishing them off Xavier cuts the number off of his own neck again rather than just like ask them to look for him and then Daniel kills Xavier with a rusty saw thereby you know just defying the title of the movie.
During all this Eric chats with Kramer who is really driving the point home that he never technically killed anybody technically which is becoming a catchphrase about as believable as human centipedes 100% medically accurate. Kramer explains that back in the day he suicidally drove off of a bridge after learning of his terminal cancer but doing real-life burnout actually just made him feel alive. Then Kramer made the logical leap that he should torture people in insanely elaborate traps so they can feel like he did. Eric is bored by this story and slaps the old man around and breaks his fingers. Kramer cries uncle and agrees to take Eric to the house.
Immediately after they sneak out though the tech team hacks the computer monitors using reverse hacking and they determine the location of the camera feeds. So everybody quickly drives to their respective locations but it turns out the police team goes to a different and shockingly unbooby trapped house where they discover a bunch of VCRs and realize they've been watching a tape this whole time. The events of the movie actually happened days ago.
Meanwhile Eric and Kramer drive to the correct house and Eric makes his way down to the dirty bathroom only to get needled and knocked out by another pig person who just happens to be Amanda Twist. She's been working with Kramer this whole time. Apparently she enjoyed cutting that dude's stomach open so much she decided to join Kramer. Of course the real shocker here is how superb her acting skills must be.
I mean she almost dies at a million different points and gets thrown in a freaking needle pit but at no point says actually I'm in charge of this game and I'm gonna go home and wash these needles off of me. And nobody suspects otherwise because who would willingly put themselves in a jigsaw trap for real? But hey at least her involvement serves no clear purpose for the game at all. I guess if she was doing anything it was protecting Daniel because he's been stuck in Kramer's safe back at the warehouse the whole time and is totally fine give or take the you know severe PTSD he will have for the rest of his life.
If Eric had just listened to Kramer's full story and let time run out the two would have been reunited. Instead Eric is chained up by Amanda in the same bathroom as the first movie where he's presumably left to rot. Just like what I imagine the real Mark Wahlberg did to the real Donnie Wahlberg when they were kids.
What? No!
Amanda claims that even after Kramer dies she'll continue his work and we end with a shot of Kramer looking dead in the passenger seat but if there's anything the first movie taught me it's that this dude is amazing at looking dead. Acting runs in the jigsaw...family apparently. It's so cold!
Alright Saw 3 opens basically where two left off with Eric trapped in the bathroom. He considers sawing his foot off but decides he doesn't have the stomach for something so awful so instead he smashes his foot to shit with a toilet top thing which is still extremely gruesome. He slides his broken foot out of the shackles and wanders down the hallway.
Then we cut to Lieutenant Rigg who is apparently promoted despite letting Jigsaw escape and Eric disappear and Rigg and his boys bust down a door at an abandoned school to discover a guy apparently exploded by Jigsaw. He calls in resident Jigsaw and exposition expert Allison but she's skeptical it's a true Jigsaw trap because the door was welded shut meaning that even if the dude had escaped from all the chains stuck in his skin and his freaking mouth he still would have exploded. That seems unfair and if there's one thing we know about Jigsaw he's a very fair and very reasonable guy. But unfortunately for Allison that's basically all the exposition this movie has so she's immediately captured and gets her ribcage ripped open and another unfair Jigsaw trap with no actual escape option. With that relatively important character forever eliminated we flip to a pill-popping doctor named Lynn who's having a rough time with her lover Chris a name I can't I can't remember even though I I literally just said it. She heads to the hospital saves a kid's life and then also gets kidnapped because Jigsaw wastes freaking no time in this movie.
Lynn wakes up in a room with the still alive gurney bound Kramer and a surprisingly whiny Amanda. They strap a bomb collar to Lynn's neck and demand she keep Kramer alive while another victim completes a test of his own somewhere else in this other freaking warehouse or her head will explode literally.
Anyway that victim is a 40-something white dude named hey get this Jeff. Jeff's son was killed in an accident a while ago and the manslaughter received a relatively light sentence. Jeff has been obsessed with getting revenge at the expense of being nice to his daughter and Kramer decides that's bad enough to force Jeff into a whole series of traps designed to teach forgiveness because Kramer teaches lessons the way we all wish our dads would.
The first trap involves the only witness to his son's death who didn't actually help testify tied naked in a freezer because one of the producers realized they'd gone to whole horror movies without displaying any gratuitous nudity. She sprayed with freezing water and the only way for Jeff to save her is if he reaches through some cold pipes kind of stick to his face. He never thinks to cover his face apparently and none of it matters because Jeff wasted the first few minutes yelling and shivering instead of like giving her his coat for a second while he got the key so she dies and he just leaves. Only things changed or kind of bad ice burn on his face and the fact that he's like goosebumps now and while this is going on Lynn apparently has to perform some crazy brain surgery to keep Kramer alive for another 20 minutes. Also Amanda is getting weirdly jealous as if the woman with the bomb collar on her neck is gonna want to have sex with the serial killer dying of cancer but anyway Lynn succeeds after what feels like a 12-hour sequence of what I assume was 100% medically accurate brain surgery.
Jeff's second test features the lenient judge from his son's case tied at the bottom of a pit slowly filling with pig guts. To save him Jeff must willingly let his late son's memorabilia burn up. He does this and saves the judge just before he gets bacon lungs.
We're treated then to a saw signature flashback where it's revealed Amanda was actually the one who captured Adam in the first movie even though Zep was doing stuff at the time too and not to mention Kramer so again really great delegation. Last cool Amanda killed Adam herself. Adam would have died anyway but Amanda is a perfectionist I guess. Also we learned that she actually is cutting herself so maybe she was actually being tested again in the second movie but she also seemed to know everything about the test which according to my high school math teacher is cheating maybe it's both. It's hard to see what that little detail adds other than a little bit more blood. We also see her kill Eric even after he escaped from the bathroom which again cheating I'm just gonna say it Amanda's a cheater.
And alright back in the present Jeff has his final test which features what Jigsaw claims is his personal favorite trap but I have my doubts because he barely watches this one while in the first movie he literally gives himself a front-row seat to the entire sawing event. Whatever the guy in the trap is the medical student who ran over Jeff's kid and his arms and legs will be twisted off unless Jeff pulls a key out of a box that'll trigger a shotgun. Weirdly Jeff succeeds without being injured at all however the judge inexplicably stands right in front of the shotgun hole and dies despite being very aware of what was happening. Also once again slow-ass Jeff is way too late and the guy dies anyway and I'm wondering if Jeff's son would have been fine but it took Jeff like seven years to get him to the hospital because he's evidently the slowest man on freakin' earth. Jeff's lethargy really doesn't matter though because he technically succeeds and that he didn't like fall into a hole or knock himself out on a pipe while walking from game to game and since Kramer is still alive Kramer tells Lynn she can leave but of course weirdo Amanda shoots Lynn in the stomach.
Why? Who knows?
Maybe it's because Amanda drank this can of energy drink. Regardless Jeff walks up on the scene and reveals that he and Lynn are actually married. Jeff's kind of peeved that Amanda shot his wife so he shoots Amanda in the quickest decision he's evidently ever made. And time. Well done.
As Amanda bleeds out Kramer claims credit like he planned everything to ultimately test Amanda because he knew she was killing people and setting up unfair traps and as he says he despises murderers and has never murdered anybody which surprisingly doesn't feel more true the more times he says it. Amanda failed that test and is now shot and Kramer now wants Jeff to forgive him too. Jeff says no and saws Kramer's throat because every movie has to end with a saw. This causes Lynn's head to explode. Before he dies of saw throat Kramer plays a tape that says Jeff's daughter is trapped in another room somewhere presumably meaning he now has to play a whole other game to find her. What exactly did Jeff do that warrants like 30 tests when most people just get their dick hacked off in like two minutes? Also we're now three movies and like 50 traps or whatever in and now that Amanda failed, Kramer's games have worked zero times.
Not a single person has had their life changed for the better. But that's okay because we got five more chances to see if it ever works.
It's now soft four and I'm starting to think that this latin numeral titling system is a little pretentious like who do they think they are grand theft auto? I'll have two number nines, a number nine large.
Even more upsetting the movie opens on Jigsaw's dead dick which is probably the most horrifying trap in the whole series. Kramer is being autopsied and as the doctors peel all of his non-for-skin back they discover a tape inside Kramer's stomach claiming his game will continue. Kramer's tummy tape specifically calls out one of the other background middle-aged white detectives who has been floating around on the periphery of the series name.
Wait for it. Mark! Apparently he's gonna get tested too.
Also spoiler warning this movie makes no damn sense. We cut to two men stuck in a surprisingly uneven trap. One guy has his eyes sewn shut and the other guy his mouth. They're both chained to a thing winching them together and they end up fighting because the sewn mouth guy can't explain they need to work together except like you can definitely say something with the amount that he's able to open his mouth and the mouth guy rips open his mouth anyway at the end. But whatever mouth guy kills eyes guy because of course he did.
You don't need to talk to club people to death seeing much more helpful. Also, fun fact, this is as far as I can tell the only trap set in an abandoned Italian villa. Ooh, a fantasy. Meanwhile, Rigg and Mark discover Allison's remains from the last movie and actually no other cops died because they're finally smart enough to send in a robot to check for movie traps. Then yet another middle-aged white FBI agent named frickin Peter shows up with his partner Lindsay who is neither white nor a man for a nice change of pace. White Peter believes there is another accomplice in addition to Amanda and Kramer because those two are weakest shit and could never have hoisted Allison's just just massive caboose up into the trap.
Rigg then goes home and runs into his wife who's leaving to hang out with her mom. Rigg goes to sleep but wakes up to an entire jigsaw trap set up in his freaking living room complete with a hot lady getting her hair pulled out. He frees her but she tries to kill him so he kills her. He also learns that Eric from Saw 2 is actually so alive because Amanda didn't actually finish him off and Eric and inexplicably Mark I guess are now trapped in yet another abandoned warehouse. Eric stands on slowly melting ice and once it melts he'll hang and the melted water will interact with some wires and electrocute Mark somehow. To save them, Rigg must perform a series of tests intended to end his obsession with hunting jigsaw and teach him to spend more time with his wife and see the world how jigsaw sees it which does feel like competing lessons. But anyway, Rigg has 90 minutes to learn this lesson about putting family before work even though it takes most of our dads a full lifetime. Good luck. Rigg finds a key to a motel and leaves to go see what fun that'll lead to. It turns out it leads to the fun of a rapist guy that he must force into a trap that'll cut all the rapist limbs off and because he doesn't blind himself fast enough. Great. Rigg then ends up at the same abandoned school from Saw 3 that I guess still isn't being watched despite being home to a literal bombing murder like four days earlier but whatever this school means something to Rigg because he went there once in the past to investigate the abuse of a student by her father. The mom covered for the shit dad so the kid got no assistance other than Rigg punching the dad right in the damn nose like a hero. The dad threatened to sue but the charges were dropped after Mark who I guess was Rigg's partner claimed that Rigg was attacked but today Rigg stumbles upon a jigsaw or you know whoever trapped with that same mom and dad impaled together the mom in non-lethal areas and the dad in lethal areas. If the mom pulls all the rods out she'll live but he'll die. It's a metaphor for codependency I mean it's elegant and it's subtle but it's there. Anyway by the time Rigg gets there the moms gotten basically all but one rod out and asked him for help and Rigg instead hands her a key and tells her to help herself which is a very jigsawian move.
The FBI agents for their part are also trying to find Mark and obviously also Rigg and are sort of vacillating between thinking that Rigg is killing people on purpose and thinking he's just a pawn in jigsaw's game because as Lindsay points out technically nobody kills anybody technically and technically they're all choosing to kill themselves technically and honestly maybe these cops deserve to die if that's their general view on how the justice system should work or or maybe just retire I'm not crazy yet. Thanks to a clue the feds interrogate Kramer's wife Jill who reveals that even before his big cancer car crash he was definitely going to become a serial killer because a meth head accidentally killed his wife's unborn child. See Jill runs a drug clinic to help people but clearly drug addicts need to help themselves and I guess run their faces against knives because that's what Kramer forces the guy who accidentally killed his kid to do. It's the only way to get cleaned don't you know and interestingly this particular torture causes the meth head to sound exactly like Adam Sandler. You're fucking dead! Side note the night of his kid dying the sex worker from Saw II propositions Kramer hard enough for him to determine that she should die in a few months or years or whenever that movie happens in relation to this one.
I think they're all happening at the same time and also maybe I'm just imagining these movies. Okay this is getting complicated. The cops are one step behind Rig the whole time and at the motel they realize the room has been rented to a lawyer named Art Blank. Art disappeared a couple weeks ago, is Jill's lawyer, is the so-and-mouth guy from the beginning, and is running the ice block game with Eric and Mark who I honestly had forgotten about. Oh and we learned Kramer ran an urban renewal project for a while before becoming all libertarian and deciding poor people should fix their own problems and then I guess he converted all that property to torture warehouses like a libertarian.
The FBI agents eventually arrive at the school that again was a jigsaw crime scene like four days ago and they've already forgotten the booby trap thing because they trigger a crossbow that kills some random woman and Lindsay gets up close and personal with the puppet that explodes all over her face. No game here jigsaw just you know I'm just being a dick. Peter runs back to Jill who is still in the interrogation room and demands answers. Jill reveals that her and Kramer's son was supposed to be named Gideon not after like a biblical character or like the angel but after one of Kramer's meat packing plants. Meaningful. So Peter runs over to the unborn baby meat packing plant not called Planned Parenthood and rig also runs there I guess and the ice is about to melt and then oh look there's friggin Jeff from Saw 3 wandering around too. Apparently three and four are happening simultaneously there's no way jigsaw could accurately time all that. But whatever Peter shoots Jeff in a parent self-defense three seconds after Saw 3 is technically concluded technically which cool I guess but also now nobody knows about Jeff's daughter who is locked in a room somewhere I mean does that count as murder jigsaw or is it her fault if she doesn't eat her own legs and stops breathing when the air runs out.
No time to think about that because the three dudes in the ice block room realize that if rig opens the door before 90 minutes he'll accidentally kill them all. See rig's whole game has been about not saving people and letting them save themselves. Also at some point I guess art handed Eric a gun so when they see rig heading for the door Eric shoots rig. Why art didn't just like stand by the door and yell at rig to not come in or just push something in front of the door so rig couldn't open it is never explained. So rig opens the door anyway which triggers a couple other ice blocks that smash Eric's head completely flat like a pancake making him presumably fully dead but I mean you never know.
All my life I seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Rig then shoots art and lays down on the floor sad and shot and then Mark gets up from his chair and reveals he's yet another freaking jigsaw accomplice continuing the grand tradition of sitting in his own trap for two hours to create an epic twist with no purpose. Mark then leaves rig to die on the floor and locks Peter in whatever room he's in now and then the movie reveals that jig dick autopsy scene is actually in the future which like wow. So Mark is about to be tested by jigsaw despite like like basically being jigsaw at this point because these movies are dumb as shit. Also I've lost count of how many people work with jigsaw to capture people and rig them up in traps I mean what are the odds that all these randos never fail or get caught like do they take a course on kidnapping? Does jigsaw have a masterclass they all need to watch first?
Hello my only halfway through these damn movies! Saw 5 opens up with the dude getting his stomach sawed in half by a big blade because I don't know who gives a shit. Honestly at this point just just saw me in half. Was this supposed to kill me?
No shut up. Okay. Your body will never be found.
So yeah the guy is a former convict as have the vast majority of the people in these traps and it's it's like pick another thing dude. How have there been zero politicians in traps so far?
Jigsaw hints that he hated them in the last movie. At least these people presumably did time and pay their debt to society but whatever. Anyway again we watch the end of three which is also the end of four which is also the end of my tolerance for this a chronological bullshit.
Mark locks Peter in the room with Kramer's body but Peter notices an exit and a tape recording and gets nabbed by a pig head and stuck in an honestly pretty uninventive trap where he just slowly drowns while water gets dumped on his head. There's not even a moment where they pretend he can escape or anything it's just an inefficient way to murder somebody. Even the water storted basic ass office water coolers. Somebody's murder trap budget has been freaking slashed.
Fortunately Peter's actually kind of brilliant and gives himself an emergency tracheotomy so he can breathe even with his head underwater which actually is pretty cool. Maybe the coolest thing in this whole series so far. Meanwhile Mark saves Jeff's daughter because yay they didn't forget about her and then he walks out of the warehouse claiming he saved the day and everybody else has died of course Peter didn't die and also walks out but Mark who we know is evil is labeled a hero and Peter who I just realized was in Gilmore Girls. People grow and evolve their whole lives.
Well he's taken off the case and what the case is is unclear because as far as anybody knows Jigsaw is dead. Jigsaw murders are over. But maybe that's just like cops speak for vacation like I could really use get taken off the case right now. Side note Cramer has left a box of unidentified sh** who's wife which is handed to her by a lawyer even though I'm like a hundred percent positive that murdering 50 victims means you're not allowed to wield your possessions to people without the police inspecting them first like that's evidence. That's the first way we learned that this is a sh** lawyer and the second is he asks to see what's in the box like a curious 12 year old like be professional bro you represent a serial killer show some restraint.
So Cramer is dead finally for real for real which means he can't personally build new traps but we see Mark set up an elaborate game for five new people so back to the master class thing how do these Jigsaw knockoffs know how to build such elaborate traps they never use the same trap twice besides the reverse bear trap and so how are they also creative and good at welding and also where are they getting the money for this stuff did Jigsaw have a company credit card they're just passing around anyway Mark gets promoted and the FBI isn't invited to the ceremony and shut the hell up miss Jenkins please not today miss Jenkins and we learned that Lindsay Perez from the last movie died off-screen because presumably she wasn't middle-aged white dude enough meanwhile the aforementioned five people are trapped in a room with collars around their necks the people aren't sure how they're all connected to each other but this is a Jigsaw trap so obviously they are and I don't think it's too much of a spoiler to say that the answer is they all played a part in a fire that killed eight people and I would wait longer to reveal that fact but it doesn't matter because the fire has literally nothing to do with anything else in the series anyway the keys to unlock the colors are right in front of them but if they pull too hard they'll jerk everybody else back and cut their head off on some blades go too slow and they'll all explode four of them grab a key successfully and one has their head fall off in the next room they need to smack a bunch of jars to get a key but there are only three pipes in which to hide from an impending explosion they let the big fancy British man smash all the jars and then betray him so he explodes in the next room they must close an electrical circuit so they just murder one of the remaining women and attach everything to her in the final room they're told to stick their hands in a saw blade thing until they've got enough blood to fill up a jar with a little fish bobber and they realize that if they'd work together with the rest of the people instead of betraying them one by one nobody would have needed to die and each trap would have been much easier including this last trap because they could have spread the blood around the series of traps has nothing to do with the rest of the movie other than you know saw blades cuz it saw baby and while that's happening Peter retreads the first movies as a thinly veiled excuse to show the audience how Mark was there all along helping out jigsaw which like could have been an email dude no need for 30 minutes of runtime thankfully they also clarified that Amanda needed to be in the gas house from saw 2 to ensure people follow the rules the assumption being that if somebody had tried to cheat in saw 1 I guess Kramer would have just gotten above the floor and called a timeout we also learned that they never wear gloves while setting up traps which might work fine for Kramer but mark is a cop his prints are 100% on file but then again the whole police force is dead so I don't know close logic hold Jordan yeah idiot we also learned that the first guy killed in this movie wasn't killed in an official jigsaw trap but rather by mark pulling a copycat before he started doing official jigsaw murders later on that dude killed mark's sister and as a result Kramer captures and ultimately recruits mark to be his new best friend he explains that marks traps sucked ass and he didn't even use good steel even though like it worked fine guys very dead also for the millionth time Kramer says that he finds killing distasteful and like yeah dude I've watched it kill like a hundred people in the most disgusting ways possible it's distasteful as I don't think these movies are meant to be watched back to back but anyway simultaneously yet another middle-aged white dude named frickin Dan who is I guess like the FBI boss or or King or something he sneaks after Peter because he thinks he might be a jigsaw accomplice while mark steals Peter's phone and plants evidence to make that theory appear more viable also Jill randomly shows up and claims Peters following her I guess and the movie ends like the last one with three men converging on a single location Dan finds the survivors of the fire game and more evidence seemingly pointing to Peter being a jigsaw accomplice Peter finds a tape that tells him to get into a box full of glass or he'll die and mark finds Peter the two scuffle and Peter throws mark into the glass box which of course allows mark to survive when the walls inevitably close on Peter and smoosh him so like what about that test that mark was supposed to do or whatever at the end of four like why does it always take at least two movies to resolve any hanging plot threads surely they wrote this whole franchise in like one awful night at a slasher themed LA Halloween party in 2004 hold your breath for five seconds or you'll die right now damn should have done longer anyway saw six begins like many of my fondest college memories with a big dude in a cage sawing his stomach off across from a woman cutting her arm off and both placing their respective body parts on a scale in the hopes that their meat weighs more than the others meat so a thing on their head doesn't drill into their brain I could almost taste the stale beer and horrific viscera mark again like me in college watches this passionately then he heads to the box room where he just apparently squoosh Peter and finds an unsquoosh Peter hand and even though that's essentially exactly where the last movie ended mark I guess also had time to kidnap those two people and set up another elaborate game while squishing Peter or maybe like immediately after he is a busy be but so yeah he uses Peter's disembodied hand to plan a couple of fingerprints on the eyes of the guy who recently died from the unfortunate combination of extreme weight loss program and extreme screw in the brain program those fingerprints pretty much cement Peter as the primary suspect we also learned that Lindsay Perez survived her clown to the face from four that we thought she died from off-screen in five so twists abound boys and girls she and Dan learned the knife used to cut a cute little puzzle piece out of the victim's body wasn't jigsaw's normal one and in fact match the crime scene of Seth Baxter who killed Mark's sister in the last movie how did they piece that together because this morgue guy has looked at every single jigsaw victim body okay I was the one who examined that body I've examined every victim of the jigsaw killer the cops also start using some fancy voice D scrambling technology on one of the tapes which seems like a good idea that might have been an even better idea like six movies ago but better late than never right meanwhile we're introduced to another middle-aged white dude with the spiky name of will fortunately he's a little more distinctive looking than most but unfortunately his job is finding little discrepancies in health insurance applications so as to void them rather than pay them out later on as such he becomes an inevitable target of Kramer's as well as critics who believe this movie about people hacking their stomachs and arms off contributed to the debate on health care reform which I hope not one of the first things will says when denying somebody coverage is that they chose to fill out the forms wrong which is exactly something jigsaw would say but the movie suppose is they're different here it's a confusing comparison also we finally learned what Jill got in her box from the last movie six envelopes also I guess she knows mark because she gives him five but not six of the envelopes which like could there be a betrayal happening here obviously oh and twist Amanda was one of Jill's crack head patients back in the day so cool okay then will gets captured though not before accidentally shooting an innocent security guard we never see again and will gets put in a thing and whatever it's a game and he has to do four other dare I say many games or all his limbs will get blown off his punishment for creating an algorithm to test whether a person will be worth giving health insurance basically if they seem healthy enough bring him on if not let them die that's not very nice but Kramer also says that his algorithm is flawed because you don't know how hard people will fight to live you're not accounting for the will to live will and this is presented like some kind of brilliant insight but will still wouldn't want to provide health care coverage to people who get cancer but then fight it like hell for 40 years he wants people with zero will to live who will fall over and die as soon as they step on a Lego I don't think Kramer understands how health insurance works and also Kramer again mentions how evil politicians are but like never tries to grab one that's a bit hypocritical jiggy put your reverse reverse bear trap where your mouth is anyway Will's first test is to hold his breath longer than a 50 something smoker this is an actual Kramer jigsaw trap at this point which means it's supposed to be sort of fair and teach a life lesson or whatever but have we really stooped to the level of killing smokers the dude has no other apparent issues with his life he's a freakin janitor that's a piece of move Kramer really I am starting to think that you're an ass this also emphasizes what's becoming kind of a new theme in these movies which is most of the traps now involve multiple people and often trials by combat which like is usually inherently unfair at other times there's just innocent people involved they get no saying whether they live or die which again I thought that was like the whole point the choices you want whatever will wins because obviously and the janitor is crushed to death and what I'm sure was a massive blow to the tobacco industry and the next room wheel is forced to choose whether a middle-aged woman with kids gets hung to death or a younger employee who jigsaw says over and over has nobody who will miss him he shows a bunch of pictures of him like sadly sitting on benches and to prove his point will chooses the woman because why wouldn't he it's also here where we notice that these traps are getting downright Disney level in their production I mean animatronics complicated electrical light-up systems with fun levers and buttons I mean jigsaw has become very whimsical and fun in his death in the next room will helps his lawyer navigate a steam maze by also getting hot steam in his face from time to time and at the end she is told will has a key in his stomach so she tries to saw it out of him but he beats the out of her because again she's a 120 pound woman and he's an adult man as far as we know her only crime is informing her boss of the law next room six employees sit on a merry-go-round and we'll get shot in the chest one by one unless will presses a button to save them he can only save two though so it's a tough decision made tougher by the fact that the machine stabs his hand every time he presses the button and the employees are also frickin annoying it's a legitimate toss-up whether any of them are worth saving he ends up saving the two hot women so good choice will well this is going on the movie sporadically cuts to a mom and a kid we assumed was Will's family but who are actually the widow and half orphan of a guy he denied coverage now that will passed all of his tests they have to decide whether to kill him or not the mom decides not to because she's not an absolute sick freakin monster but apparently her teenage son is and he pumps Will's bodies full of acid also we learned that this movie was set in abandoned zoo because this entire town is abandoned I'm gonna guess that the last movie is set inside an entirely abandoned Canada I guess I should also mention that miss Jenkins who was told to shut the hell up in the last movie has now written a book about jigsaw some consider very sensationalized because the truth about what's happened is so serious and grounded mark hates the book so she makes a deal with mark to be less sensational if he can get hurt in contact with Jill he agrees because apparently that's the thing that matters to him except actually he kidnaps miss Jenkins and puts her in a cell which will probably keep her stories very sensationalized in the future and it's there that we learned that she's Will's sister which is weird meanwhile the feds unscrambled the tape I mentioned seven hours ago and realized mark is a killer and he well he kills all the feds this includes throwing hot coffee and Lindsay's poor face which can't catch a damn break from jigsaw throwing evil mark then grabs Peter severed hand and puts a bunch of fingerprints everywhere and burns the place down even though five minutes earlier Dan pointed out that they'd already determined Peter's fingerprints were from a dead guy's hand and so he believed that they were planted somebody told this to Dan he didn't figure that out on his own but I guess it couldn't hurt for mark to try again in case they all forgot also I guess it turns out that mark knew Amanda was there the night the meth had accidentally killed Gideon and so he wrote her the letter she read back and saw three that I didn't mention because I didn't think it mattered it said that she needed to kill dr. Lin which actually does kind of explain why she was being such a friggin weirdo in that movie and otherwise mark would have revealed the truth to Kramer how mark could possibly have known any of this is unclear but he does and that's what leads to Amanda's failure of the game and ultimately her death you got jigsaw but wait there's more and Jill sixth envelope was marks picture I guess in case Jill forgot what he looked like and Jill sneaks up behind mark and electrocutes him because she evidently rigged this random chair in this random zoo to have a random massive battery thing in it without mark ever noticing and it knocks mark out while he's passed out she puts the reverse bear trap from saw one on his head and ties him up and if I remember correctly that has to be like wired directly into your jaw which we don't see happen to mark and again how are random people this good at engineering and medical well to be fair we do get some clarity on that front with a flashback where Kramer and Amanda make fun of mark for building a machine so I guess they did have classes and mark was a poor student maybe I mean not that poor because his traps are the most elaborate yet but he does skip corners on metal qualities but anyway mark does escape from the trap even though he does get half of his jaw ripped off as one does and I am so happy that the last movie is called the final chapter get it it's a reverse bear trap yeah no I get it that's yeah I was really good that's funny you know it's weird cuz I feel like this franchise has made so much money and yet twisted picture still hasn't updated their production stinger I mean that's just lazy I mean they sexed up the opening credits and put the whole movie into 3d but they couldn't bother to get a higher res gif of a railroad spike I mean they should get sod for squandering their every advantage anyway the movie itself opens with the surprise reveal that dr. Lawrence Gordon survived signed his foot off in the first movie which is fine but why give away his inevitable surprise return as yet another jigsaw accomplice at the end of this movie so early it's like pronouncing Palpatine is alive in the opening crawl or something anyway Lawrence survived his no foot by cauterizing his stump on a hot pipe that screams more loudly than he does which is kind of disconcerting then we cut to an extremely public jigsaw trap that has nothing at all to do with anything as far as I can tell it's just a menager twag gone wrong where two men allowed their mutual girlfriend to get sawed in half and the public is shockingly willing to let this happen and they do nothing to stop it besides half-assedly slapping at the reinforced glass meanwhile Jill realizes that marks survived the reverse bear trap head thing so she runs to the cops and demands to speak to this guy who looks like a version of Christian Bale but talks like a version of Ryan Gosling good somehow he's named Matt because apparently no other characters named that even though it feels like the first white dude name they would have gone with but I'm very glad they fixed that oversight anyway Matt works in internal affairs and is very interested in trading immunity for Jill in exchange for information that'll bring down mark because the two have a very tense history interestingly Matt fulfills two classic movie tropes at the same time by cockily eating an apple Wow looking at a dead body I mean it's got a legit mark for his part of ducks and kills a bunch of racist skinheads which honestly I could probably get behind fewer smokers more Nazis please what is said though is that one of the racist is portrayed by the late Chester Bennington of Lincoln Park fame he doesn't do much acting but the movie does cater to his strengths by letting him scream a lot which he does very well Matt is called in to inspect the grizzly aftermath and finds the damn reverse bear trap had addressed to him and fun fact this movie has the worst acting in a series full of terrible acting handicap parking at the damn mall while this is all going on we meet this middle-aged white guy named Bobby who somehow claims to have survived a jigsaw trap and who is on a press tour touting his new book about the experience he's basically preaching all the exact same stuff as jigsaw about valuing life and whatever except twist he was never actually in a trap the idea that somebody could value life without hacking all their arms off of sets Kramer so much he confronts our boy Bobby dressed up as a 90s vanilla ice cosplayer I'm a dirty also he or more realistically mark captures Bobby and forces him into another now standard obstacle course of death this obstacle course is set an abandoned psych hospital and the movie also features yet another abandoned manufacturing plant and an abandoned tow yard and my final guess is that jigsaw has killed 15% of the population by this point and the vast majority of everybody else has moved somewhere where they can smoke in peace without fear of being forced to saw off their nose while simultaneously wolfing down an Arby's beef and cheese or something Bobby escapes his first trap by swinging over a spike pit to safety even though realistically he could have just easily lowered himself gently to the ground that since like at full extension he's like three inches above the spikes but that wouldn't be very dramatic would it then Bobby needs to pull a fish hook with an attached key out of his publicist throat but that's not jigsaw enough though apparently because there's an added twist where if she yells too loud or the time runs out she'll get spiked to death both happen to some extent and she dies and Bobby yells at her dead corpse about yelling too much when you know the fish hook was ripping up her insides but like also Bobby you ran out of time anyway she would have died either way honestly she probably should have yelled more in the next room Bobby needs to do a squat to keep his lawyer from getting spikes in her eyes and he fails because apparently he skipped leg day and also the machine he squatting stabs him in the side then he goes to another room where the floor is mostly gone and his buddy has been blindfolded and the two must navigate a series of planks to get a key in the middle that'll free the friend before he falls and or time runs out and he gets hung again Bobby fails because he really sucks at this in the next room Bobby has to rip out a couple of teeth and he finally succeeds before heading into the final room to save his wife by sticking hooks in his pecs and climbing up a chain rope thing in this he also fails because he skipped chest day and the hooks rip all the way through his girly pecs I expected more from a boondock saint but apparently they're much better at killing than saving each day we will spill their blood also again throughout the pageantry really wonderful jigsaw dolls flying around windows exploding entire oven springing up out of the ground and I mean just well done imagineers Bobby's game again highlights how unfair these have become like okay the publicist and the lawyer and the friend may be lied but the way there's no idea early crime was believing her husband and for that horrific mistake she's burned alive in an oven this is yet another true Kramer jigsaw trap not an accomplished bastardation by the way which means even Kramer apparently isn't above changing the rules of his own damn game when it suits him frickin dick during this whole thing mark and Matt have been playing a game of cat and mouse culminating in mark no no Matt getting secret auto chaingun to death all law breaking bad and mark stabbing every single person at the police station including the coroner who'd recently bragged about getting to see every jigsaw murder victim and now he is one oh and this was all just so that mark could find Jill and hook her up to the freakin reverse bear trap and for once the thing actually kills somebody ending the series longest lasting erection hooray oh and a whole SWAT team in the psych ward dies from gas because I guess the SWAT team doesn't bring along gas masks in this universe it's good to see the police force returning to their hey why don't we just charge a jigsaw building and hope that there's no booby traps roots to the roots of that murder spree completed mark heads outside we're twist he's attacked by three pig people one of whom is dr. Lawrence just like we all expected turns out he's been working with Kramer the whole time which I guess partially explains the medical expertise required for some of these traps but no word on what happened to Lawrence's wife or kid or like his day job Oh what a big tootsie Lawrence leaves mark in the original saw bathroom which is now just overflowing with bodies and feet and stuff then Lawrence throws away the saw locks the door and turns off the lights leaving mark to his fate for the millionth time we get a bunch of flashbacks to the series highlights as if we're supposed to be nostalgic for all that horrific gore more likely it's the producers flashing back through all the places that made them rich like hey I remember that scene we grossed over a hundred million because of that needle pit and you idiots paid us to watch it side note nobody in this entire movie mentions the triple FBI homicide at the end of six I guess none of them had families or friends or like actual job responsibilities or maybe more realistically that sort of thing is so common in this universe that three federal officers being stabbed and then burned can be written off as a bad Monday and that's it it's the scene of the series right I can go home now okay we upgraded the logo and it's in 4k Wow and we've shifted from our muted grays some warm colors that's cool Oh directed by the guys that did day breakers and predestination that's pretty cool those are cool movies have you ever thought I want to eat an apple and oh you guys didn't you guys didn't pay to download this longer we're just watching on peacock with ads the new pill from Proctor and Proctor and Johnson and Johnson okay well unlike literally every other saw movie this one doesn't start with a trap but rather a car chase that results in a foot chase through an abandoned warehouse okay some things never change they corner the guy named Edward on the roof but he's holding a remote trigger of some kind and the middle-aged white cop who shows up to stop him only referred to by his last name Halloran thankfully commands the other cops to shoot the trigger out of Edwards hand because apparently they're all the most crack shot elite sniper cops in the history of the world and well they actually do shoot the trigger out of Edwards hand but sorry press the button evidently starting a new game from five randos well actually one of the cops did accidentally shoot Edward in the chest which sure seems like a pretty reasonable mistake but maybe it wasn't a mistake huh saw twist much twist on the saw we then of course cut to the aforementioned five people who have buckets on their heads and are chained to a wall with just like so many thighs this isn't your grandma saw baby this is all the saws they're slowly dragged towards the saw wall but they're told if they give a little blood they can survive four of them figure out they can just kind of nick themselves on the saw blades but the fifth guy straight pass the hell out and never wakes up which feels extremely unfair in the next room we learn they're probably an abandoned barn so it looks like the empty building epidemic is now rural still chained they're dragged again and told they need to confess to letting a woman die after stealing her purse with her inhaler or something now one of the women sort of confesses but they'll all get hung to death unless she actively chooses to stick herself with one of three syringes one of which has a cure to a poison in her blood the other is a placebo and one is acid and she chooses none of them so the white guy just stabs her with all three she dies the other three live in the next room the white guy tries to leave via a door that says no exit and of course gets his leg caught in a vise similarly the other two wander into a silo that fills with grain and then drops a bunch of blades which feels like unnecessary overkill and makes me think that it might just be jigsaw's laundry chute it's pretty lame to be saved the white guy pulls a lever that fully cuts his leg off and it hurts and the other two are saved move on the next room we learn that the black guy sold Kramer's nephew a faulty motorcycle and the dude crashed because the brakes didn't work and also he apparently drove out into an intersection instead of coasting to a stop somewhere say the black guy gets dropped into a way way overly elaborate spinning top of death thing that kills him despite the remaining woman's incredibly athletic attempt to climb into the rafters and shove some rebar into the machine I mean it doesn't work because nothing does but it's still very damn impressive and while this is going on Halloran and another cop named Keith find that passed out dead guy hanging from a bridge and are now fully aware that another game is afoot all signs point to John Kramer being behind the game but that's crazy cuz he's been dead for ten years right simultaneously we meet another middle-aged white dude named Logan which isn't crazy unique but much better than like Dave or something and Logan along with a tattooed John Wick phone operator looking chick named Eleanor assist Halloran and Keith and their investigation as morticians Logan and Keith were in Fallujah together where we learned that Logan was captured and tortured but not before killing three Taliban which is pretty impressive considering the Taliban operate in Afghanistan and Fallujah is in Iraq so thanks for your service you'd make a good detective Halloran suspects Eleanor and or Logan are behind the killings partially because Eleanor somehow owns a big-ass abandoned warehouse full of jigsaw traps of her own but don't worry she's just a fan and the traps are really fun recreations again allowing us to reminisce about all the good times we had watching people's chests get ripped open she also of course has a replica of the reverse bear trap because the producers still think that's the coolest trap they've ever come up with but guys it isn't if it can be explained as a reverse version of a trap that already exists in real life that's not inventive it's like ending this movie with a reverse gun when Halloran and Keith find and inspect the warehouse they discover another body and determine that yeah Eleanor is probably jigsaw to make things worse they exhume John's body and find Edward in the casket which I think is quite literally impossible to do without disturbing the earth around it Logan decides Halloran is actually jigsaw and proves to Keith that the bullet that shot Edward not on the hand came from Halloran's type of gun additionally Halloran has a sketchy cop history and the people involved in the game appear to be connected to Halloran's past oh and they find a bunch of jigsaw shaped skin pieces and Halloran's freezer which like they could have led with that probably later Logan discovers Eleanor hiding at his house and she claims that she found the barn somehow and she believes that she and Logan should go there to stop the game themselves Logan says they should probably call the cops but Eleanor counters that know they're corrupt which makes sense for like a second until you remember Logan is actively working with Keith but not before they head to the barn and Halloran of course follows them meanwhile back in that stupid game the woman wedges her way through another locked door only to be knocked out by another pick person we learn is in fact John Kramer why did he wear a pic mask in this abandoned barn only to reveal himself 30 seconds later because pigs are scary Kramer then reveals the woman who all begrudgingly reveal is named Anna was his next-door neighbor and a few years ago she smothered her own baby and blamed it on her husband who went nuts and killed himself similarly the white dude named Ryan was a was a dick when he was a kid and sort of maybe caused his friends to have a car accident which feels not very comparable Kramer loads a shotgun with a single shell puts in the middle of the room and tells them their salvation is ever Anna reaches the gun first because she's the only one with both feet and when she tries to shoot Ryan it backfires because oh no reverse gun is real and she shoots herself in the face and inadvertently destroys the keys their chains which were housed in the shell all along classic jigsaw meanwhile Logan and Eleanor reached the barn and face off with Halloran Eleanor escapes but Logan and Halloran somehow get captured and in a trap they must confess something or they'll get their heads lasered off Logan admits he accidentally mislabeled Kramer's x-rays back in the day and caused his cancer to go unnoticed for longer than it should have evidently that's not enough and he gets lasered to death Halloran admits to letting innocent people die as a cop and the laser stops but then Logan gets up off the floor and reveals that he is jigsaw and he faked his death and now Halloran is gonna die because Halloran's please work allowed Edward to go free back in the day and then Edward killed Logan's wife he also shows Halloran that he has his confession on tape but like Halloran doesn't name specific names and Logan kills him anyway so none of that matters but good for you Logan whatever helps you sleep at night you really love that guy huh the weirdest part of this twist is it turns out that the game we've been watching was actually 10 years ago but the game they've been investigating is merely an exact modern-day replica in the original game Logan was the passed out guy and Kramer let him live because he realized mislabeling x-rays was more of an honest mistake than something intentionally evil like like smoking I'm a dirty and as usual Logan becomes one of Kramer's earliest disciples we never actually see the modern-day version of this game just the mangled aftermath corpses that we didn't recognize as different people because they had their heads sawed off and stuff and that explains how Kramer is alive in the old game and the reason he seems alive in the new one is because Logan is apparently a master at Pro Tools because he builds new jigsaw tapes from the old audio recordings of old Kramer tapes I'm a dirty and I do wonder how Logan never made an appearance in the first seven movies I mean they seem to be saying that he predates Amanda and Mark and Lawrence so is he just standing slightly off-screen in each movie maybe he's standing next to Lawrence who also basically never appears in any flashbacks also not really sure why Logan laid dormant for 10 years before deciding to kill Edward and Halloran seems like he could have avenged his wife at any point we literally never learn where John's body is does Logan have it in his house is it in one of the million abandoned warehouses or schools or psych wards or tow yards or barns there's literally no point stealing the body and replacing it with Edwards other than for a fun twist for the audience can I leave now please oh you're free to go but please don't tell anybody about this okay how do I get out of the trap it's literally just a dog leash oh thanks for coming downtown why don't you just start at the beginning okay well it opens with not a trap but rather fourth of July fireworks which is pretty and we do start with a middle-aged white guy but this middle-aged white guy has a fun hat so turns out he's a cop and he immediately finds himself chasing a purse snatcher into the sewers which seems like a bad idea and unsurprisingly he gets grabbed by a pig person he wakes up with his tongue and a vice and is told he'll get hit by a train if he doesn't rip out his own tongue his punishment for continual lying on the witness stand he like 99 percent of people in these movies fails interestingly this new killer doesn't use the Billy the puppet doll that jigsaw used which I just learned the name of and he doesn't speak in an artificially deep voice but rather a weird high Kermit the Frog knockoff today it is you who will be railroaded he also has a new doll that's a pig cop because get it anyway smash cut to Chris Rock's character named Zeke dressed as a janitor and giving his thoughts on why Forrest Gump is a questionable movie that could never be made today namely because Jenny only has sex with a special needs guy after she gets AIDS and like stay in your lane Zeke I'm the one who gets to make fun of movies anyway Zeke and three other dudes robbed some drug dealers only to be immediately caught by the cops and we learned that Zeke himself is a cop and was undercover he gets stereotypically yelled at by his un-stereotypically attractive captain named Angie for being too stereotypically a loose cannon and so Zeke gets stereotypically assigned a new rookie partner named William and I know we already had a will in this series but this one is in white or middle age so you know it's fine as it turns out Zeke is immensely disliked by the rest of the police force because he ratted out a fellow officer named Pete and yes we also did have a middle-aged white cop named Pete but I guess he died so it's fine Zeke unfairly turned Pete in for literally murdering an innocent witness in an active investigation like straight up shot a guy dead in his own apartment with no provocation like surely of all the things to rat somebody out for cold-blooded murder would would be one of the least controversial I mean was Pete just like so much fun at karaoke night or something but whatever Zeke trusts no one especially after this other cop detective Fitch refused to provide Zeke with backup a few years ago which led to Zeke getting shot in his tummy oh and also Zeke is the son of former captain Marcus Banks and if it feels like I'm giving a lot of backstory it's because this entire film is basically one big backstory machine trap delivered through awkward conversation that largely boils down to you know this key element of my backstory dad I know son but you know this key element of mine that's where our conflict lies indeed we are both conflicted because of our backstories which we should restate again just in case we forgotten 12 years ago I turn in a dirty cop I get a medal for it big deal I also got a bullet and I got to look over my back for the rest of my career it's not great it doesn't help that Zeke is always at a hundred percent full angry personality and displays strong emotion in every single freakin scene I know there's a serial killer on the loose but also I get why nobody likes you the best parts of this movie are the few instances where Zeke calms down for a second and delivers the only genuinely funny lines we've ever heard in this entire franchise like you can ride a lot of dick before dusk by the way dick before dusk is the Richard Linklater film I never knew I needed one weird thing is that several critics point to spiral as a bold new direction for the franchise presumably because there's hip-hop music and some characters can now safely drop inwards because they finally cast some non-white actors but it's directed by the same guy that did two through four so it's not like they got David Fincher or something anyway turns out that the dead guy with the hat was a cop named Boswick who just so happens to be Zeke's only friend in the whole world we know this because Zeke yells that they went to games together which is about as personal a connection as two straight men can have and besides their mutual love of nonspecific sports team watching why a well-known liar cop would be best friends with a well-known narc cop isn't really explained also the cops for a long time assume Boswick's corpse is actually a bum corpse because only bombs can get hit by trains I guess but Zeke is dubious because not a lot of bums wear Fitbits Zeke is a good detective Zeke takes lead on the investigation and receives several cute boxes all tied up with strings mailed to him containing clues the killer uses jigsaw iconography even though as somebody points out Kramer's been dead for forever but also there have been a half-dozen jigsaw accomplices at this point so why even point that out but no to clarify this must be a copycat because as someone claims Kramer didn't target cops even though half his victims are cops seriously there are so many dead cops in these movies okay maybe Zeke is a bad detective so they start investigating and the first thing we learn is that Zeke claims to not even look at porn for more than five hours which like I sure freakin hope not Zeke also they decide to look into a drug user named I think it's Spies or something because he was seen snatching that purse that got Boswick in his hat into the train tunnel they had to Spies his favorite meth house and tricked the dealer into getting blast in the eyes with paint so they can bomb rush him break his leg and gain like no information at some point the mean old cop Fitch figures out the location of Spies and refuses to tell Zeke and goes to get him himself alone predictably Fitch gets captured and stuck in a device that rips his fingers off before electrocuting him to death then the killer apparently grabs William off-screen and mails his skin to Zeke which is I think the moment that all of us in the theater realized how this movie was gonna end but I'll leave you in suspense also Zeke's dad goes missing at some point and also also sexy captain Angie goes down to the basement to check on some old files but ends up in a trap where she gets hot tar poured on her hot face so that she can only escape if she severs her spine which I'm pretty sure will still kill you she dies but Zeke valiantly tries to give her mouth-to-mouth anyway which is gross but I mean I kind of get it shut up so cops are dying or disappearing left and right and the movie keeps pointing out that it must be because a bunch of cops became dirty when article 8 was passed which I don't think is a real law but rather something made up for this movie I think it's like a qualified immunity thing but they never really explain it spiral sort of tries to indict cops and police brutality I guess but also these cops are targeted by a literal serial killer and the hero is a cop who does a ton of police brutality so it's it's all a bit muddled also forever it's worth Zeke's dad and Angie both supported this ambiguous but apparently corrupt policy eventually Zeke himself is captured and wakes up chained to a pipe across from Pete Zeke sees a hacks on the ground and uses it to grab a nearby lockpick that's just sitting there and he easily escapes his chains he then tries to save Pete who has been let out of jail for that whole murder thing from a wind machine that just blasts broken glass into Pete's back which is pretty wild shockingly Zeke fails then he heads upstairs where it's revealed that the jigsaw copycat killer is William yep William is actually the son of the dude Pete murdered 15 years ago and he's helping to reform the police by maiming all the dirty ones his only real connection to Kramer and jigsaw is that he sort of kind of thinks he could maybe reform cops by ripping out their tongues and cutting off their fingers and stuff just like jigsaw would have maybe done he says John Kramer was right the spiral is a symbol of change and evolution and progress which I don't think he ever said but I guess William is supposed to be crazy so it makes sense for him to misunderstand Kramer's intention in fact during one of the little videos earlier in the film William mentions a bunch more people will die not a bunch more people will suffer or learn life lessons the hard way so clearly William doesn't get it or more likely everybody who created this movie doesn't get it or maybe I don't get it I don't know and now more than ever how does this dude know how to rig such elaborate traps and why even bother just hold a gun to dirty cops heads and say rip out your tongue or I'll kill you and also you know stop being a bad cop please that would be just as effective and way more efficient but whatever William hopes to work with Zeke to help reform the police department further via ripping their dicks off or whatever but before Zeke can make a decision William reveals that he has Zeke's dad rigged up to some thing that drains his blood Zeke only has one bullet in his gun and he can either shoot William and let his dad die or shoot a weird far away spiral target and save his dad like some carnival game he shoots the target but William is called the cops who bust into the room and shoot Zeke's dad anyway Zeke tries to punch the shit out of William but William still gets away somehow seems like he'd be really easy to catch since he's just taking an elevator downstairs and the cops have surrounded the building and also he's right there just go get him but apparently not so you were forced to watch all eight saw movies and then you escaped and then went ahead and saw the ninth one voluntarily just needed some closure and you must be really excited for saw 10 then huh what do you know who I am I'm you and jigsaw and a cop I guess twist twist twist game over |
SaturdayNightLive | vinny_talks_to_robert_de_niro_saturday_night_live | So on to questions. everyone has a Robert De Niro impression. yeah, everyone seems to have one. Do yours. To my What? do your Robert De Niro impression, eh? I guess. Hello, I'm Robert De Niro. eh, he is not so good, Now. hey, show him. Alright. hey. I'm Robert De Niro. hey, hey, hey. hey, hey, hey, that's Robert De Niro, eh? You're right, he was better. hey, hey, hey, Robert De Niro.
Oh, quick, hey, my son is a huge fan of yours, and I promised him that he could do a scene from one of your movies for you. Okay. okay, come out, my Bambino. where is my money? Give me my money, I want all of my money. what movie is this from? Oh, no, it's not from a movie. he's drunk again. if you don't give me my money, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you. His first communion was Sunday, and he's been on a Faranto, Faranto, a bender, a bender, Right? bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. I kill you, Robert De Niro. I kill you. easy, easy. hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee.
Deer Hunter. Yes. we have a surprise for you. the deer from Deer Hunter is here. and he wants to get revenge, eh?
Oh, I knew the state would come. was there a guy in there? Yes, I'm sure he's fine. we'll be back in one moment, one moment. hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee. he is dead. So, taxi driver.
Yes. do the famous line. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. the line. No. I don't want to do the line. people would really like it. No, thank you.
I respect your choice. you are a man of great integrity, Robert De Niro. So, you're in a new movie, Little Fucker. this is the third movie in the trilogy, Yes, yes? What? did you enjoy making a movie? who are you talking to? do you like working with Dustin Hoffman? are you talking to me? Ah! you tricked me. Very smart. you tricked me. I got you, I got you, I got you, I got you. Thanks for the time we have. see you next time.
Gracias. |
cracked | the_game_show_about_weird_facts_behind_real_pictures_pictofacts | It's 2022, I'm black, y'all are white, and if y'all, if I'm wrong, y'all are racist. I'm also black. So we're both right, you're wrong.
And this is our, this is our show now. You're a good dancer. Welcome to PictoFacts, the game show. I'm Jesse Eiseman. I put together a whole bunch of image-based trivia games, and then I invited a bunch of comedians to come and play them, and that's where I went wrong. Chris Allen.
This abomination is the Polish movie poster for which famous movie?
Oh, that's the spin-off from G.I. Joe that we didn't have here. This is the Cobra Commander. That's its backstory. You making me crazy. So this is a Russian-only movie, but it's a G.I. Joe spin-off. Right. Well, the Cobra Commanders are the good guys.
Go, bro, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Darnell Eaton.
What do we think this is the movie poster for? I mean, this is clearly Candyman. I don't know if you've seen the remake of the Candyman, but those are all those damn bees. Bees?
Warming around his head. I'm on my eyes! Coming out of his mouth, and it looks like he had a little eye-washing experience. Elliot Duffy, what do we think this is from? Well, this is clearly a living cathedral brought to life through some dark magic. In the classic film, Too Many Eyes, Too Many Saints.
The answer is Aliens from 1986. This is the Polish rendition of this movie poster somehow. So are they saying that she looks like that image? I mean, I don't know. I think so. Of all of the characters that I remember from Aliens, I feel like this has to be representing Sigourney Weaver.
Don't tell Sigourney I said that. I'm gonna give it to Candyman.
Thank you. That seems to be the closest in genre, I guess by default, because it's the only movie that does exist. I just wanna say I'm happy to be here, so. Hey man, I'm always happy to have you. Thank you.
Chris, I'm giving you second place because you kicked it off with absolutely crushing it with a completely fictional, again, probably fictional movie. Elliot, unfortunately, you killed it with your fictional movie, but I don't know why we keep saying fictional.
I know. Don't you remember in history class when we learned about the real Aliens invasion back in 1987? Yeah. This is real life. I'm more of a math guy. I didn't really pay a lot of attention in history class.
Darnell Eaton, this is the Soviet era Russian movie poster for which American movie? This is like Captain Planet meets Star Wars. Elliot Duffy, what do we think this is from? This is Soviet Black Panther from the 90s, clearly. Yeah, it has to be. Did Russia make a Black Panther film? I'm pretty sure that Marvel is a Soviet film.
I mean, they didn't want to pay Scarlett Johansson her full amount. That's very Russian. Yeah, that's certainly not American. Yeah. We would never do that. Yeah, we always pay women their fair share in America, so it definitely can't be, yeah.
Chris Allen, what do we think this is from? Well, classic white guy stole my answer. I thought this was black Panther, but this is clearly, clearly the Russian version of the MLK story. I think they did a pretty good job. There seems to be LGBTQ friendly as well. I think this is a great representation of MLK and what he did for our people back in the day. So shout out to Russia.
You really made this political. I did, I had to. He didn't make it political, it was already political.
Obviously.
The answer is, this is Star Wars, which wasn't released in Russia until it was released.
Darnell, you're dead on. You got it first place. Elliot, you got second place.
They gave him some pretty sexy eyes. They're pretty nice eyes. Those are dreamy eyes. They're turned about 45 degrees. I like them.
Too far, but yeah. He would be like, I'm not your father, I am your daddy, and I'm gonna go, you're right. Chris Allen, I know you had Black Panther in mind, but the gods have conspired against you. You went third instead of second. Gotta give you a third place on this one.
I'm sick of Darnell winning everything. It's early in the game, Darnell might choke.
We don't know, I hope he doesn't. Happened before. Oh, he doesn't choke, trust me.
Now which of these side characters, Elliot Duffy, this is the Lithuanian movie poster for which Disney animated film? The original, Steamboat Willie. Mickey Mouse before he became a mouse. Actual mouse. And he was just Willie. Chris Allen, what do we think this is from? I gotta go with The Little Mermaid, because they're black, and they just took no time in doing this at all, so they're very angry about this.
So they just made her a stick figure, and there you go, you're happy. You wanted representation in heartbeats? I wanted, yeah. There's your representation. And this is what Lithuania decided to do. All right, they give us a couple good NBA players, and I think they can do this to our, uh-oh. Hello. See, that's fun.
Russians hacked it. Yeah, the Lithuanians hurt you, man.
All right, Darnell, what do we think this is from? Well, I mean, it's very clear as thing that this is Pinocchio. One, he has an extension attached to his nose. So that's, you know, a symbol of, you know, that Pinocchio era. In fact, it's Peter Pan. Close. I'm gonna give that to The Little Mermaid. What? Chris, it's an animated feature from the same time. I'm gonna give second place to Elliot. Steamboat Willie, you nailed the time period. Pinocchio, I just don't know enough about. Maybe. Okay, welcome to round two. In this one, I'll show you a historical photo that looks pretty banal, but actually has a real-life Easter egg hiding in plain sight.
Chris, which one of these latchkey kids went on to become a brutal dictator? Oh, s**t, I already see him. Right there, right there in the center with the Nike sweatshirt on. You can run up in the line if you want. Oh, I know Kim Jong-un when I see him. I'm gonna s**t her right there. All right, so that's Kim Jong-un.
Darnell, who do we think is the brutal dictator? Well, he took mine. I mean, obviously he went first, so I'm gonna get second place by saying the same person. Elliot, who do we think is the dictator here? And now, do I have to say which dictator I think they are?
Yes, yeah, yeah. Well, that makes things harder. Because I'm tempted to just say that guy at the end.
With the yellow shirt? In the yellow shirt. Paint me a picture.
What's this guy's deal? How did he go from this guy to brutal dictator? I think he probably starts with corralling local kids and getting them to beat up old people, steal their stuff, and then just keeps working his way up from there. Working his way up.
Okay, so it's something we aspire to. You're just networking, yeah. Yeah, just networking.
We all know who you guys think is the dictator. Oh, s**t. But in reality, yeah, you're totally fucking right. That's Kim Jong-un. Yeah, we almost became racist. I want to apologize to the young man in the yellow shirt.
No, that's Ronald DeSantis. Yeah, that's Ronald DeSantis.
Could you imagine those class reunion emails? And you see Kim Jong-un on that list? Does he have a Gmail? Like, what does he have?
From 1996 to 2001, he was just a basketball-loving kid at a Swiss boarding school. Nobody knew that he was Kim Jong-un. He went by Pac-un.
Imagine having a crush on him. Yeah, can you imagine? Find that out.
What's really funny is that he loved basketball. He just loves a lot of American culture. So at this point, he was just obsessed with basketball. So he was probably playing pick-up ball with some of these kids.
Scottie Pippin's goes the Vis... I mean, not Scottie. What's the other one?
Dennis Rodman.
He goes the Vis-in now. The other black guy. Jesus Christ.
I only know a couple.
Your name, but you have the blackest name. Darnell. How do you not know other black... You should know every black people name.
Well, because Scottie Pippin is the only one I met on a plane. I got a plane, so I was Scottie Pippin there. Let me stop you right there. You didn't meet Scottie Pippin. You walked by Scottie Pippin when he was sitting in first class and you walked back to coach. So you didn't meet him. How did you know? You walked by him. Well, I know. I actually said to him, I said, Scottie Pippin, he said...
Get your ass in the back. Right. All right, so Chris, you got first place for guessing Kim Jong Un. Off the bat. Frankly, ruining my game. I'm sorry. I was an intel guy back in the day. Darnell, got to give you second place. Once again, luck of the draw. Elliot. Loser. Great try. Darnell.
This is a picture of Bill Clinton admiring his official presidential portrait. Years later, the artist revealed that he'd hidden an homage to the infamous Monica Lewinsky blue dress scandal in the portrait.
Where is that Easter egg? He nutted on her dress if you didn't know. Yeah, you know, I remember that. Oh, that's, it's coming out of his pocket, right? That's his penis, sir. It's appropriately placed by his penis, so, yeah, I think that's it.
Elliot, where do you think the homage to the blue dress is? I think it might've been a little bit more subversive. It's actually the blue covering to the painting. Art and, you know, removal fashion.
It's scandalous and sexy. Ooh, it is sexy if you consider, if you picture that being a dress. Yeah. And you picture Bill Clinton being a woman's body. That is very sexual to me.
All right, Chris, where do we think? You know what? I think it's this obvious, I think it's the ugly blue shirt, because it doesn't really go, because typically they wouldn't wear that dark of a shirt with that color tie, that color suit.
After he had dismissed Bill from the studio, the artist secretly set up a mannequin, draped with a blue dress in front of the fireplace. Notice how Bill is suspiciously off-center. That vertical shadow next to him is the shadow of the bedressed mannequin.
But this doesn't really count as hiding something in a painting, right? He hid it outside the painting.
You're being pedantic, and that's the whole point of this show. Elliott, I'm giving you first place, because you got real pedantic with it. The white premise on this shot. Darnell, I'm giving you second place, because there's something meanery going on there, right? Chris, unfortunately, means you got third place. Not for lack of trying.
I'll take it, that's fine. Someone in this 1886 photo of a major league baseball team is performing a lewd act that had never before been photographed. What is that act? Elliott. I think this man has his dick out, and he's just hiding it from everybody. Right out the zip, and in between his fingers. Oh!
I see it, I see it. You see it? I do. Well, it's your turn, so. I see it. This is the first time I've ever, it was a black person way in the back, and that was against the law to take pictures of black people. Now, left hand corner, middle finger, bam, over the left shoulder. Darnell, what do you think is going on here that had never before been photographed? Oh my God, I see it now.
The guy in the far right, he's sticking his hand in the pants of the guy next to him. So, the one in the black outfit is sticking his hand into the looting pocket. Yeah, he's trying to wait till the end. That was a good catch. He's trying to look very lewd.
Okay, right, right, okay. That's what he said. Hurry up, I'm close now!
Chris, you got first place, you found it. Darnell, you got second place. Because you painted a real picture. Elliot, got to give you a third. Charles, Old Hoss Radborn, a pioneer of profanity, is the first person to ever flip the middle finger at the camera. Shout out to Old Hoss. Get a load of this, boys. You made it to round three. Aren't you glad you went into comedy instead of like med school or something? This game is like Wheel of Fortune, but easier and dumber.
I'm gonna show you a real sign from a real place with a really problematic name. This spot was named after the sound made by steam whistles on heavy equipment. So Chris, what does the steam whistle sound like?
Somebody being blown. Okay, so this is somebody being blown trailhead. It's now a popular spot for paragliding because the area was heavily logged in the 70s.
Elliot, what do we think this might be? Piss. Piss trailhead. In 2020, one man rode his bike from here to Pee-Pee Creek, Ohio. Darnell, what do you think?
Paul Bunyan, point trailhead. Darnell, the dirtiest things you could think of are like whistle and Paul Bunyan.
I mean, wasn't this all gone? I mean, I can't believe it. I don't think it was real. Was it?
No, Paul Bunyan wasn't real. You know, it's like people don't believe in Santa Claus. Paul Bunyan. No, he's real.
Don't you try that with me. It's actually Poopoo Point, Washington. In 2020, to raise money for the humanitarian crisis in Yemen, Twitter user Ruby Drummer biked 69 miles per day from Poopoo Point to Pee-Pee Creek. Pee-Pee to Poopoo, huh? Elliot, you got first place for Piss Point Trailhead.
Yes, really close. I gotta tell you, Chris, I'm giving you second place. Somebody in here is a bold choice. It is. Not that Paul Bunyan isn't a bold choice. This small Austrian village started seeing an uptick in tourism after World War II when British soldiers noticed how vulgar the name was in English. I think you guys are gonna get this one.
A local tourism official has had to repeatedly explain that, quote, there are no fucking postcards.
Elliot, what do you think this town is? I'm kidding. You think it's fucking? I think it's fucking. Chris, what do you think?
Felching. Felching? Yes. Fracking.
Well, folks, you'll be surprised to learn this is fucking Austria. You're not fucking Austria. Colloquially pronounced fuking, population 106.
Elliot, you got first place. Chris, I gotta give it to you second place. Felching is great. I'm losing it. You are. You suck at this guy. Yeah, I am. I'm sucking. Yeah, it's Darnell. It's definitely not the mechanics of the game. Sure. Last one of this round.
The original Anglo-Saxon name of this English hamlet was Skatera. Elliot, what do you think it translates to in modern English? Pooh-earth. Skatera. Okay, so I think it's Pooh-earth. Skatera roughly translates to stream used as an open sewer. Chris.
Pissington. Now, Darnell, that stream happens to run into the River Piddle. I think it's called Springton. Springton. This is, in fact, Shitterton, England.
What? Which is quite literally named after its historic river. Elliot, I'm giving you first place on this one. Yes! I gotta give second place to Pissington.
What weird county were you close to? Are we close to, like, Gooch County? Yeah, Goochland. Gooch, Gooch, Goochland County.
I like that look, the Gooch. Ah, I like your Gooch. You like your boho leg, buddy?
You don't have to answer that. So we're going into the final round. Yeah. For the final round, we're gonna flip the script. This is FactoPix. You're each gonna be given a fact that I, ostensibly, don't know. You'll do your best to describe it to an AI image generator, and then I'll take a look at whatever that spits out and try to guess your fact.
In this round, you're gonna wager your points, so we have to know how many points you've gotten so far. And that means we have to call out the score bear. Oh, s**t. Score bear. Okay. What did Elliot score? Elliot, of those 10 points, how many do you wanna wager? I wanna wager seven of my points, Jesse. Bold choice, but not too bold.
I'm gonna wager all of it. You're going all in, all right. Yeah, go all the way in. It's all or nothing for me.
No. Just do that. Take a look. Yep. Okay, what? Oh, man.
The fact is that the country of Norway used to be attached to Africa three billion years ago. This is just, the fact is, Pangea exists.
How come you only get half of the stuff that I put in there? So you got part of it right. I only got half my brain work. I'm gonna test inside. You only use half your brains over here.
Right, exactly. The actual fact is, the closest state to Africa is Maine. That's a good fact, and that's honestly a really good descriptor.
And actually, if you look over here, I think this is Maine-ish. That looks like Maine. I've been to Maine, and that looks like Maine.
I mean, it was very clear to me. Not quite what I expected. It's good to go? Yep. What? Okay, this is gonna be some sort of art style. I'm gonna say Walt Disney designed Mickey and Minnie Mouse when he was on an acid trip. Not at all. I disagree, but all right. What was your, okay, what's the actual fact? The actual fact is that in ancient vampire folklore, just like Count von Count of Sesame Street, vampires love to count. Oh, interesting. So I don't know why it shows such a specific art style. Yeah, it's got stinky cheese-man kind of vibe. Yeah. All right, and so you wrote vampire loves to count tally marks. I put etching there so that it would look a little bit more like something out of a textbook, and it didn't work.
Very smart. All right, great fact. No thanks to the AI.
Oh, okay, I heard that. We're in? Okay, this is, oh boy. Oh, all right.
That looks like a fetus. Okay, so the first fetus astronaut has been launched into space.
You got it. From Lithuania. That's where you went wrong. Cut that, cut that.
I couldn't get the smell thing to really convey, but they say that space smells like burnt steak. The person, the astronaut itself smells like burnt steak after the space walk? It sounds like the astronaut is burning.
I don't know.
I like this. Honestly, for that, there's not enough grilled steak in these images. I'm gonna give this one to Chris. You got first place. The creature inside of the astronaut suit looked like it was burning steak.
I can't negate that. Can't negate that.
That thing looked horrendous. Darnell, I am gonna give you second place because you had Maine and Africa all over those images.
Sadly, Elliot, you lost seven points that you wagered, so you're at three. Darnell, you didn't gain or lose anything, so you stay at? Seven. You're at seven, right? So you stay at seven. And Chris, you wagered 10 and you had 10?
I'm at 20, baby. You're at 20.
Chris, you're the winner. Congratulations. Oh my god! Thank you. Chris, you've won the severed head of the score bear. Hopefully this will keep him out of my life forever. Yeah, something like Kathy Griffin. So if you put that on, unfortunately, you become the score bear. Chris, you're now the score bear. You've given it new life. Thank you. But thank you guys for playing. You guys absolutely killed it. Maybe you'll get vengeance on the next episode of Pick the Facts, The Game Show. |
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