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cracked | podcast_pre_cap_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with another When I moved to LA I bought a car I drive that car in LA traffic for some reason tonight It's taking me an hour and ten minutes to get from Santa Monica to Culver City If you don't know how far that is imagine trying to get from your house To a different part of your house as you might expect that means I listen to a lot of podcasts I'm gonna share my podcast expert powers and pre-cap every episode of this week's shows for you This week your brother's friend posts this week to Facebook this week I wonder why I paid a university for a history degree the next three weeks are as follows mark talks with his old friend about being A doorman at the comedy store mark talks with Bill Clinton about being a doorman at the comedy store and mark talks with the door of The comedy store about whether it hates him this week one of the greatest comics on earth has a podcast this week Adam Carolla has a podcast this one has my all-time favorite fourth hour this week Fuck that movie this week. Fuck that movie this week. Fuck that move this week I find out it's pronounced Myra This week I learned to be less casual with the term OCD this week I learned to be less casual with the phrase I had a rough day after the spookiest cutest thing happens tumbler needle points it onto a hoodie They almost talk over each other but but they know so three running jokes walk into a bar Don't worry. I'm not that kind of monster. Come on this week. They don't invent another cereal So fuck them and we made it back. Thanks for watching. Have a great week of podcast listening and I will see you at At work, I I need to go to work. Okay Hey, I have two tips for you one if you subscribe to our channel, you'll get all our videos more conveniently for free Sounds great other tip Culver City, California. There is a store that sells nothing but model trains You're welcome |
SaturdayNightLive | first_warm_day_of_the_year_red_carpet_cold_open_snl | Live from Central Park, It's the first warm day-of-the-year arrival show. it's mid-april here in New York City, and the temperature hit 90 degrees this week, a full two months ahead of schedule. And while that may be terrifying on a climate level, the warm weather can only mean one thing. all the freaks, crazies, and weirdos are headed to Central Park. And we're expecting to see some iconic park people today, aren't we, Jace? we sure are, Dana. the mood here is electric. the smell of halal food and horse manure is in the air. as I see, yes, I think it's him, an absolute icon of the park. it's an older man doing an aggressive power walk.
Hi there. a first dish on this outfit. certainly. I'm wearing the tightest spandex shirt of all time, little shorts, and a weird heart rate monitor strapped to my arm. Iconic. Can you give us a little preview of your walk? Absolutely. Behind you, behind you, behind you, on your left, behind you, and there it is. Wow. Gorgeous.
Dana? well, Jace, I am starstruck right now, as I am joined by not one, but two perverts who came to the park to pleasure themselves. nice to be out of the subway. Hi, Ben. I'm excited for the big day. Oh, yeah, yeah. I got my modesty blanket and my binoculars, so I'm good to go.
And where should the police be looking for you? Oh, come on. you know where to find your boys? in the bushes, baby!
Any new techniques this year?
Oh, just one. Oh, my god! Wow. shame on you both, Jace. well, we were hoping she'd make an appearance. it's a woman learning to rollerblade. Yeah, I've always wanted to learn, and I thought, what better place than on a crowded pathway filled with thousands of people? horrible plan. let's see what you got. Here I go. Oh, my God! And she fell right away. Dana?
Well, look who I found, two of Central Park's finest park employees who do not care about their job. how are you guys feeling? we are very high right now, yeah. thank you for asking. Amazing. Any warnings for those who violate park rules? you do you. inspiring words. Jace, I hear you spotted an absolute legend.
Well, I hope she'll stop to talk. it's a lady trying to tell someone where she is. Well, I don't see you, bitch. bitch, I'm right where I said I'd be. by the big tree. the big tree near the bridge. Oh, just Mr. Dana. he's back. it's a grown man with a drone who's alone. Hey there.
And you won't be filming girls laying out sunbathing, will you? Nah. I don't believe you.
Now, Jace, this guy is bad, but I hear you're with one of the worst park people of all. I sure am. it's a guy with the clipboard who wants to know if you have a second for a good cause. Now, people absolutely hate you. can you tell us why? Well, I think it's because I zero in on folks trying to enjoy themselves and pester them for money.
Absolutely. can we see that in action? you bet. Hey, whoa, cool shirt. no, no, no. she had a second for a good reason. come on, it's two seconds. What an absolute pain in the ass, Dana. it's a bird. it's a plane. it's a crazy man with a microphone. good to be back for another year. And I see you brought a lady friend with you. Yes, I sure did. this woman will be debating the nonsense that I scream as if I'm a rational man whose mind can be changed. ooh! can we get a preview? Oh, of course. a pleasure.
Big Pharma created the Conono virus. that is baloney. I got herpes from 5g. and is it not even possible?
So something like that. Wow.
I can't tell who annoys me more. Jace? well, we've been waiting for her to arrive. it's wealthy woman and child. And I got to ask, what's the plan today?
Well, I'm taking Riley here to the playground where I'll step into an immediate panic if I lose sight of him for even one second. Riley? Riley!
Oh. well, I still don't see you. You know what? I'm done looking for your bitch. you come find me.
I'll be on the grass in a red bikini, getting my ass some sun. Well, we've got plenty more hard people coming up, including a woman with a giant out-of-control dog and a performance by some a-hole playing an acoustic guitar.
Keep it here and live. I'm seeing you right now. Okay, girl, I'm coming. air, as I see. Yes, I beacons him. an absolute icon of the park. it's an older man doing an aggressive power walk. Hi, there. a first dish on this outfit. certainly. I'm wearing the tightest spandex shirt of all time. little shorts and a weird heart rate monitor strapped to my arm. I got it. can you give us a little preview of your walk? Absolutely. Behind you. behind you. behind you. behind you. on your left. behind you. And there it is. Wow. Gorgeous. Dana? well, Jace, I am starstruck right now, as I am joined by not one but two perverts who came to the park to pleasure themselves. nice to be out of the subway. Hi, Ben. I'm excited for the big day. Oh, yeah, yeah. I got my modesty blanket and my binoculars, so I'm good to go.
And where should the police be looking for you? Oh, come on. you know where to find your boys. in the bushes, baby. any new techniques this year?
Oh, just one. Oh, my god. thank God. Wow. shame on you both, Jace. Well, we were hoping she'd make an appearance. it's a woman learning to rollerblade. Yeah, I've always wanted to learn, but I thought, what better place than on a crowded pathway filled with thousands of people? horrible plan. let's see what you got. Here I go. Oh, my God. And she fell right away. Dana?
Well, look who I found, two of Central Park's finest park employees who do not care about their job.
How are you guys feeling? we are very high right now, Yeah. thank you for asking. Amazing. Any warnings for those who violate park rules? you do you. Inspiring words. Jace, I hear you spotted an absolute legend.
Well, I hope she'll stop to talk. it's a lady trying to tell someone where she is. Well, I don't see you, bitch. bitch, I'm right where I said I'd be. by the big tree. the big tree near the bridge. Oh, just, Mr. Dana. he's back. it's a grown man with a drone who's alone.
Hey, Dana. and you won't be filming girls laying out sunbathing, will you? Nah. I don't believe you.
Now, Jace, this guy is bad, but I hear you're with one of the worst park people of all. I sure am. it's a guy with the clipboard who wants to know if you have a second for a good cause. Now, people absolutely hate you. can you tell us why? Well, I think it's because I zero in on folks trying to enjoy themselves and pester them for money.
Absolutely. Can we see that in action? You bet. Hey, whoa, cool shirt.
No, no. come on. do you have a second for me? I don't need it. come on, it's two seconds. I don't need it before.
What an absolute pain in the ass, Dana. it's a bird. it's a plane. it's a crazy man with a microphone. good to be back for another year. And I see you brought a lady friend with you. Yes, I sure did. this woman will be debating the nonsense that I scream as if I'm a rational man whose mind can be changed. Ooh. can we get a preview? Oh, of course. a pleasure.
Big Pharma created the Conono virus. that is baloney. I got herpes from 5g. it is not even possible. so something like that. Wow.
I can't tell who annoys me more. Jace? Well, we've been waiting for her to arrive. it's wealthy woman and child. And I gotta ask, what's the plan today?
Well, I'm taking Riley here to the playground where I'll snap into an immediate panic if I lose sight of him for even one second. Riley? Riley!
Oh. well, I still don't see you. you know what? I'm done looking for your bitch.
You come find me. I'll be on the grass in a red bikini getting my ass some sun. Well, we've got plenty more hard people coming up, including a woman with a giant out-of-control dog and a performance by some A-hole playing an acoustic guitar. Keep it here and live. I'm seeing you right now. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_257_Brad_Cox_returns_to_the_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast | Very excited. Today's guest is a second timer. It's been a minute.
Yeah, there's not many in the illustrious list of... Not many, no. ...two timers.
I feel very privileged.
Yeah. What are we working with? Bambam Tui Vasa, Becky Lucas.
Lek Blain.
Coxy. Brad Cox, thank you for joining us.
Of course, man. It's good to be back here. Album's just come out. It's called Acres. West of the Rock, mate. That's a lie, that line. Yeah. Just tell us what's been going on since we last saw you.
It would have been a couple of years ago, kind of in and out of pandemics and... Yeah, well, the world shut down for a few years, so did a lot of smoking dope and playing PlayStation for a little while. As you do when you're in years old and the world ends.
Bit of that river ran a-rolly. Yeah, that's right, hey. And then, mate, I actually went out west and jumped back on track for a few months. Right. Which was much more for my head than my bank account. Yeah.
We were living in Newcastle in a rental, and Sami and I were about to murder each other. And... Couldn't live in the city for that. Yeah, I decided that there's only so many times you could mow the lawn of a fucking rental.
Yeah. Am I allowed to swear on this podcast? Yeah.
No, I'm going not to. I can't want to.
Do whatever you like, I'm like... So, I went out west, about to Walgett, western New South Wales. Whew! Way out. Yeah, yeah.
Jumped on a tractor into a planting season out there, which, as I said, it was much more for my head than... Who were you with out there? It's come around again. A few of the O'Brien's as I was working out there, and I was living with some mates that are their neighbours. I was out there for six or eight weeks, and it was great, man. It was good to be, yeah, back doing stuff and, you know, it was almost like where going back to where I cut my teeth kind of thing, so did that, and then Sammy and I were in a really strange situation where we were kind of, yeah, in a rental but had nowhere to be, and she's from Townsville, so we jumped in the car, and we lived in the car for, I want to say, 12 months, and we played 60, 70 shows, like small shows. So, you went up the coast.
So, that was 12 months in a Hyundai I30 or a... A RAV4. Oh, yeah. Compact SUV, yeah.
Not much better, but yeah, look, Sammy's a muso as well, and we... Love your stuff. Sammy's in the corner here, by the way. Love your work, Sammy.
But, yeah, man, we kind of just had an opportunity where we didn't have anywhere to be. We were in a rental. We had this car. I was like, fuck it.
We'll just figure it out, and we jumped the border, and we put together a tour. Some shows were a capacity of 50. I think the biggest one we did was 300 in Townsville outside, but we just went, oh, fuck it. We've got to do something.
And within the parameters of not attracting too much attention by the health authorities.
Of course. We followed the rules, but as you know, those rules were subject to interpretation. Yeah, especially in Queensland. Yeah. Definitely in Queensland. Yeah. It's like, just do anything, but don't leave, because if you leave, you're not going to come back. Yeah. That was exactly right.
We battled with that a few times too. What I mean by subject to interpretation is we turned up some venues. Rockhampton, where we live near at the moment, we rolled up there, and they had a room, I think there might have been 150 seats in it, that could have held 1,000 people. And it felt like a fucking prime minister's press conference.
Yeah, for sure. They had got a ruler out, one meter, one meter, one meter. Anyway. The old rotary hall. Yeah, man.
It was like that. It was pretty strange. We got up there, and we're like, fix this. This is uncomfortable.
And then we got to Townsville, and there was 300 people, and they weren't allowed to dance, so everyone was just in line for the bar.
Yeah. Dance their ass. You know what I mean? Yeah, they were finding their ways to get up and about. Yeah, but we kind of, we were very lucky, man. I'd be surprised if any muso in the country did anything near what we were doing. Yeah, right. We fucking made money, man. Not exuberant amounts, but you know, we actually did all right those few years, which was, I feel so privileged, man. It was a guess. We went with the flow.
I can't remember exactly, but we thought, oh, we'll do Queensland, we'll do New South Wales and the borders change, so we skipped up there and pushed it back three weeks and swapped that around.
For sure. You know? A lot of social media updates. Yes.
A lot of sorries we'll try and get back there. Did you ever have an idea to go over to the land of the free?
We're living in it, my friend. Oh, look. You popped your head in over there.
Yeah, no, because there's- Over in Ashville, America? Yeah, they hate rules over there.
They do. Yeah. I love that. Yeah.
Rules in Australia, everyone goes, nah, we'll give it a go. Not take my rights!
So no, not that year, not even a little bit. But that was kind of most of COVID for us, and then the end of that, we were driving from Townsville back down south and past a little town called Marlborough, north of Rocky there. We were looking for a place to buy a few acres, and we missed out on one just north of the Newcastle a few months earlier, and then- Oh, you don't want to be spending much time in the Hunter Valley, mate. No. It's a dreadful country down there.
Maybe it was a blessing. So I just want to talk about that gig before you pull up Stumps there. That tour. Were you feeling that feeling that we're still feeling it now with live shows, you know? Like people, touring artists will come to Australia, or people will have their first tour in a while, and they'll notice the crowd's just a little bit unhinged. Were you feeling that COVID pressure valve in every one of those shows, or was it more therapeutic at that point for the people just to get out of the house?
Most of the time, people didn't give a fuck. Most of the time, we'd say it, we'd say, oh, how good is it to be here? But man, I found that 99% of the time, they'd be caught, there's 100 people in the room, five of them have masks on, and everyone just goes, cool. Some of them don't. My crowd's pretty adaptable and pretty inclusive, run your own race.
That's what I mean by we'd say it, but it didn't feel like that. It just felt good to be doing it. And I think, too, people were super keen to support it, because nothing else had been going on. And I think that's why we did all right. And the venues were easy to, well, the venues were begging for someone to just pop in? Yeah, definitely. I'm trying to think, because it was such a blur, man.
We were busy. 65 shows, I think we did on that run, which I haven't done a tour, like we were doing. I think there was some days where we did like six shows a week in four days, a couple of double ups, because we could only get X amount of people in the room and shit. We were trying to talk to Dom Walker about that, like back when you were gigging, I don't think those boys would have been doing those kind of numbers. Six gigs a week. Yeah. Very different. We were sitting down on stage telling the story, it wasn't like we were jumping around like fuck with something we're doing with the band. But even still, man, we'd also just come off, say 12 months doing fuck all. And the first week of shows we did was in Brisbane, and I think we did six or eight.
Got home at one o'clock in the morning. I hadn't seen Midnight in six months, because we're all grandparents now.
Everyone's learning how to preserve fucking pickles at home, and learning to read again. Sourdough.
Yeah, that's right. I just wanted to touch on that Brad, now you're a bit of a pioneer of permaculture. That is the biggest lie of the century. Up there on your farm, up at Rocky, you've got yourself some chickens, you've been growing your own veggies I hear, you know, like have you been spending a little bit of time down there in the heart of Melbourne, kind of learning off those bastards down there or what? Sustainable. Sustainable farming. We're talking intensity.
I love the idea.
Yeah. So you haven't been spraying all your blackberries with some... A Roundup. Grazon or something like that, you know.
There's a bit of a yarn about those veggies. Sammy Brogertail or something, and we were going away for a while, and I had these veggies going that were getting overtaken by weeds, and I thought, I'll just put a milk bottle over the spray nozzle, cut the bottom out, and I'll just spray around the veggies. Knowing full well it was going to murder every veggie in that patch. And two weeks, come back two weeks later, and she was baaaaa. Not a skerrick of greens. I'm working on the veggies, the cows are healthy though, the cows and the chooks are going well. And I've got a little goat at home which has got a one-way ticket to the freezer very shortly.
Mmm, that sounds... Oh, processing. Processed. That's right.
Why Rocky? Did you like the look of the place? No, well that's, I was just getting to that before, we were driving south of Townsville, and it was right on dusk, stopped on the side of the road for a wee, big flood plain, beautiful mountain in the background, and I thought, fuck this is nice. Honestly jumped in the car, I looked up the long term climate, great, I'm a fat man from the snow man, you gotta be considerate when you're moving to Queensland. Yeah I was gonna ask that, but you know, I mean obviously you like the look of the place, but you grew up in Jindabyne.
I did, I did. But I also lived in the Northern Territory for a few years. Oh yeah, you did your time. I learned how to whinge about the heat.
So just for those who are playing at home, it's a lovely 22 degrees here in Batoota today, and we've got Clancy here wearing his dolphins... NRL dolphins. Yeah, his NRL dolphins coat.
We have Brad here in a work shirt with no sleeves. Just to paint the picture, very snowy river behaviour. Yeah, we know whose blood is a bit thicker, getting a bit more sun to warm up.
Yeah, that's right. I think, but anyway, I looked at the, we fly obviously, fly every week, so I rang Jeremy Maru from Busby Maru, who's a born and bred Rocky boy, and lives up there, and I said, you know, like what's it like being a professional touring musician and flying in and out of Rocky, and he basically said, oh look, yeah, it costs you a couple hours, either side of a weekend away, and a bit of extra dollars, but you know, we get to live in a beautiful part of the world, and I rang Brad Butcher, who's also a touring musician and lives in Rocky, and they said, fuck yeah, let's go, and it's right on the reef. We had a few boxes to take. That's what I was going to ask, it has the fishing. Great. When you got a boat that actually floats, we'll get into that in a sec if you like, and I did manage to sink my boat, but, sorry, let's get into that now. Oh sure, well look, let's go.
What kind of boat are we talking about, are we talking just a tinny, or, right, six meter plate, center console, very nice vessel, got out off a group of islands a little bit north of Rocky, about, I don't think about 70 k's off the coast, so like off like Stenage, around there, near there, the Duke Island group or something around there. Yeah, yeah, yep, out there, and rolled in there with a couple mates, biggest tides on the east coast, roll through there, and we knew that was the case, I'm not going to go too much into this, but there was a little bit of a mishap with another boat the day before I sank mine, so everyone was a little bit on edge, so what I'm concluding from that is two in two days, but so I anchored this boat way off the beach, a couple hundred meters, I put a hundred meters of anchor rope out, which is what you do, you know, when big tides and there's stuff going on, and I was out there with some real old chummers, like some real experienced seamen, and when it comes to the ocean, there's no ego, like if I can do, I say it, if I can do it better, or I'm doing something, like tell me, you know, like, yeah, I think, you know, safety is such a big thing when you're a hundred kilometers off the mainland of Australia in a little six-mile boat. I'll teach you how to use a ski lift, you teach me how to do this. Yes, it's a good way to be, because the ocean can kill you in two seconds. Oh for sure, for sure, thankfully we were sitting on the, we were sleeping on the beach though, we weren't on the boat when it all went down, but we, we angered the boat, did all the right things, and then because we had a little bit of a mishap the night before, everyone was kind of up and watching the boat, you know, every half an hour someone was eyeballing the boat, and then dead low tide, six meter tide, about four in the morning, 3.34 in the morning, whereas if you've been up all night checking the boat, that's about the time when you go fucking go to sleep for a few hours, you know, and a big, a big squall roll through, and it must have blown 30 or 40 knots, and I think it just dragged anchor and hit the bottom, and turtled over, so then, look, it is what it is, a bloke come running up the beach, you know, saying the boat's upside down, that's too far, thankfully, like I was pretty calm about it, no one's hurt, no one's bringing a helicopter because they were dying, it is what it is, but we cleaned up all our shit off the beach, and went up to the caretakers hut, and I think we got a bit of Wi-Fi and rang the insurance company first of all, and then we rang the Coast Guard because we were kind of stranded, but we had, we had a couple of rifles and permission to shoot on that island, we lost all our spear guns and fishing rods, but we had a couple fish from the day before I think, this was like Tuesday, we rang the Coast Guard at Stannish there, and said, oh look, this has happened, can you come get us, and they, you know, it's quite a remote part of Australia, so they were like, oh we're just mustering cows at the moment, but we'll be there at, you know, 5pm on the, on the high, you know, on the phone going, could you come Friday? Like we're actually alright here, you know, we got a bit of tucker, they were like, yeah righto, I suppose we could come Friday. Anyway, so we, we ended up shooting a couple goats, and cooked up a couple, yeah, big pots of goat curry, and we had some fish, we shucked a big mob of like, real big black lip oysters, and we sat on the beach and drank coconuts, and tipped rum in coconuts, played guitar, and smoked dope, and had the fucking time of our lives for three days, pretty good mate, yeah, until the Coast Guard turned up on Friday, it was great, but I'm putting my boat back together, I've just got the new motor, landed in Rocky recently, I'm still looking to put some of that flash decking on it, that deck armour, or similar, and yeah, I'll have it floating again hopefully by August, straight out them islands, it's the first place I'm going. Well it's not the most shameful story really, because no one was in the boat running, you know, like it's, it's a yarn when you make the wrong call in the boat, that people don't like telling.
It sounds like it's a roll cage. Yeah, maybe it does, get an alloy welder on the job, put a big glass dome over it or something.
So what are the surrounding towns, you're west of Rocky, or you're north of Rocky? We're near your poon, we're near your poon mate, so Rocky's just the big, you know, the big hub, and where the airport is, and whatnot, so yeah, we're out near the coast mate, it's the closest I've ever lived to the, to the beach, other than Newcastle, and we're on the ocean as much as possible, man, like I bought a big tinny, so I could have a boat for this summer, before I put mine back together, you know, I just, I love it, Sammy and I find ourselves, you know, six in the morning, throw the tinny in, take the dog out, go for a walk along the beach, and a swim, and a snorkel, maybe a quick spear, and back home by 8.30, you know, like. Got a Forex Island in the distance?
Yeah, that's right, it's only just around the corner, but yeah, I've just, I've also just recently fallen in love with, with diving and spear fishing, I'm still very green, still very novice, but I just love being underwater, it made me give up smoking. Yeah, right, of course. You'd think my career in singing would do it, but not the case. It's the depth, yeah, yeah. Just falling in love with being underwater, so yeah, I'm doing that as much as possible. Yeah, you do need that time capacity down there, don't you?
Yeah, unfortunately, because God, I miss smoking Durries. Yeah, but that's, that's the, one of the great pleasures of the boat ramp, isn't it? Punching a Durrie. Oh mate, there's superstitions around it too. Durrie on the way out the marina.
Tell us, in between Sinking Boats and Deep Sea Diving and Shooting Goats was the line you were looking for there. Yeah, Sinking Boats and Shooting Goats, I hope those are some new lyrics, and the, you know, 60 plus tour, where does the songwriting come into it? Well, when I have time, when I'm not Sinking Boats and Shooting Goats and Tending Cows, mate, I don't write songs all the time.
No.
A lot of people do, Sammy has to, you know, something goes on just to get it out, a lot of people like that, but I kind of write songs in my head constantly. So, you know, I have an idea and I'll stew on it for months and I'll work on it in my head until it's, like, got its legs. And then we're so busy, man, like I schedule shit into the calendar. You know, I go, right this week, hook me up with heeba rights. And then I have all these things loaded, ready to go, you know, notes on your phone, all voice messages are all great tools that we have in 2023.
Don't let that one go. Yeah, yeah, as much as I hate, you know, the phone following me around all the time, but it's very rare, you lose an idea now.
Yeah, for sure. Which is, which is really good. So that's how I kind of write. Yeah, I kind of stew on it and write notes and ideas and lyrics and titles. And then when I have time in the calendar and I schedule it in, I dump it all. Yeah. Dump it all then.
So what's the overarching theme of this new album, Makers? I'm guessing everything we've heard today plays some part of the, you know, the DNA in this album, but...
Definitely. Yeah. Mate, this album, it's definitely a catalogue.
Like, it's 17 songs. That's why it's so big is because, yeah, like we did a lot of writing during the pandemic.
There's nothing else to do.
But the overall, the reason I called it Acres is for all the reasons I just said. Like, we've just fallen in love with this part of the world and the life that we've kind of created in the last few years, which, you know, I don't resent the world showing now for a few years because we might not have been doing that if it wasn't. But the reason I called the album Acres is because I think it encompasses everything I'm proud of in the last few years and a lot of joy in my life and our life and whatnot.
So there's no real running theme.
I'm really good at writing heartbreak songs and love songs.
Yeah. It's easy, mate. Maybe call me Brad Swift shortly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, hi, mate.
We love listening to them.
But yeah, so no running theme. But I think the title track Acres definitely encapsulates... I suppose that could be the theme.
Yeah. That could be the takeaway is all these songs have led to Acres. Yeah. And that's the bookend to this kind of period. Yeah. And the next one might be called Divorce. Yeah. Well, I'm about to ask you about that.
Who have you worked with? I'm guessing Sammy's played a big part in Acres or is it 17 tracks top to bottom, no one involved but Brad Cox?
No, that's not the case.
Just on GarageBand on your MacBook. Mate, I struggle to open an email on a computer.
It's a good way to live. Yeah.
Look, it leaves me behind but lucky Sammy picks up the pieces for me. He can construct a word document for Coxie. Mate, I forgot the question. Yeah, so have you worked with anyone throughout the last couple of years there?
So many, man. So many.
So all these songs are co-written except one. I wrote one by myself. 15 of them were co-written. For the first time, I recorded a friend of mine's song which I didn't write.
His name's Joe Mungovan. I've written a bunch of songs with him on all my projects. A dear friend. It's the last song on the record. It's called The Storm. He wrote the song years ago and he's played it at a bunch of his shows over the years.
But he never recorded it. And all of his friends, I don't know if he thought his fans wouldn't like it, but all of his friends kind of went, man, that song, you have to get it out there. And he just kind of never did. We always kind of joked that I'd pinch it off him. You don't fucking record it, mate.
I will, you know. Anyway, the time came and I asked him, I was like, can I have it? You know, it's going to round out this album really nicely. And he said yes.
It was funny, actually. We got in a room together and we were going to kind of rewrite the song for me a little bit. We sat there for half an hour.
I said, Joe, you know why we're doing this? He's like, what are you talking about?
I was like, the only reason we're rewriting this song is so I can selfishly have a credit. On it, which is just, and I just sat there and had this realization going, fuck sake, man, like you fell in love with the song the way it is. Why fuck with that? Just because you think it's a good thing to do to have your name on the record. And it was actually a really nice kind of back, you know, get your fucking ego out of your head, dickhead. It's a good song, leave it where it is. And I'm really glad I did because it's a beautiful song and he's a very talented writer. It doesn't diminish you as singer songwriter, you know what I mean?
Yeah, no, that's exactly right. One of 17 written by someone else. Yeah, that's exactly right. But man, I've written with shit on this album.
There's so many credits and some of the best dudes in the world. Number ones, like global number ones, Grammy award winners.
To name a few, Dan Isbell, Adam Craig, Jordan Walker wrote Hurricane for Luke Holmes. Dan Isbell is coming out with Luke in August. He has a bunch of cuts on his last few records.
Is there going to be a big link up there, you reckon? Oh, look, don't know. I'd love to see you two crooning in a duet. I reckon it'll go alright. I've never met Luke before. I'm sure it'll happen one day.
But yeah, Dan is actually coming out with him. And he's invited us to go to the show and I'll obviously catch up with Dan.
So who knows? I feel like Luke knows about me because we're on the same label. So I'm sure they're fucking hammering him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gonna get Coxie on board, you know? Which is good, which is good. We've just never met before. So look, I'm sure we'll get along just fine. He likes writing songs and fishing and shooting things and you know what I mean?
Drinking piss. Drinking beers with the boys.
Well, mate, it sounds like an exciting time. Sounds a lot. It's funny now, this is the ramp up. Obviously, the album's out. The album's just very recently out and this is where things get busy.
But I actually don't think in the scheme of things, it's probably going to be a bit cruzier these next few months for you compared to the 65 plus dates you spent on the road in the RAV4 buying land and building a farm. I think being back on the road might be a bit of peace for you. I'm very much looking forward to it.
Yeah, look, the album's out, just out and we got a few weeks off now. But then the tour hits. So we're doing tour, I think it's 10 shows at the moment. 10 shows in June, yeah? In June, yeah.
We're doing like Sunny Coast, Brisbane, Northern New South Wales, Sydney, Newcastle. I actually saw a few iconic venues. The old Gov in Adelaide's a bit of fun. Yeah, man, have you been there? We had a show there. We did a live show there. Love Adelaide. And then Anita's Theatre in Thoreau.
I've never been there. That's a good spot. I've skateboarded as a 14 year old kid, probably trying to find some bongs to smoke or something in their car park many years ago. But I've actually never been inside there.
But it's such an iconic venue, man. It's right next to the Surf Club too. So you're either the warm up or the exit plan for the Surf Club.
Oh, they're getting the best of both worlds. Yeah, and they're all selling really well, man.
We're going to Perth for the first time. It's newly sold out. We've been to the Gov once before. And we're going back again.
Love Adelaide. Sammy and I are going to go in a few days early and go and hang out. I feel like Adelaide's like Melbourne that Coxie can handle.
You know what I mean? Without getting arrested. Yeah, for sure. They'll have you. Well, yeah. But then in Melbourne, you're playing at the Northcote Theatre. You're right in the thick of it.
Yeah, again, another one I've never been to.
But these are big venues, man. They're up over 1,000 people.
Yeah, for sure. Oh, no, mate.
The Hilltop Hoods still play the Gov. Yeah. And then those guys do stadiums in other cities. But the Gov's like the spot. I'm not sure what the equivalent would be in Queensland.
Probably the Tiv. Yeah, it might be a bit bigger than the Tiv. Which is where you're playing in Brisbane, yeah, the Tiv. Yeah, well, man, the Tiv, I'm really excited, man.
For us, that's one of those venues. We've supported guys there. We supported Randy Howser there, I think, a bunch of years ago.
It's kind of the ones going, oh, yeah, we'll do this one day, wondering if you ever fucking will, you know? No, that's a big coup, mate, the Tiv. Yeah, I'm really looking forward.
It's a good show. We've incorporated a bunch of new elements in the new show for the tour, which we haven't played yet. We've just been rehearsing it recently. And I'm playing the keys a lot. Bought a piano recently, which I've just fallen in love with. And I've been playing more music at home than I ever have in my life because of that. So it's been really nice to kind of integrate that kind of stuff into the show, too.
And yeah, man, it feels like we're doing shit, as I said, just a second ago with The Room. It feels like we're doing shit that you wondered whether we'd ever have the opportunity to do and do successfully.
Yeah. And it's good feeling. It's a really good feeling. For sure. I mean, the trajectory, especially after the fucking pandemic where you were able to keep working and see this keep going up and up. I think it was time for you, though. We've all got to agree with that. You put the work in, and you've got the fans. So you're not going to play venues that are too small. It's funny, though. I often think there's guys that put a fucking TikTok out, and they screen with a couple of things. I think I'm really glad that didn't happen to me. Yeah, for sure.
It's been quick, man. On the scheme of things, it's not that many years ago, we were jumping in a fucking panel van or station wagon with a guitar amp on our laps going to my band. Hey, boys, sit in that for 10 hours. I'll give you $50 when we get there. Yeah. It wasn't that many years ago. It's been really nice that we've grown together, albeit quick.
Like, I'm very lucky. I'm very lucky. We work hard, and I'm very lucky.
But I'm kind of glad that my fans have grown with me, too. And I have a really special kind of connection with my fans. And it's almost like a mutual respect. I know a lot of them by name, man. Like, I have some fans that I have seen at shows in fucking Dead Set in Melbourne, in Cannes, like the same guys. And they're not there to try and be mates with me. They just fucking love it.
Yeah, yeah. And for the first time recently, I actually got to, after a show in Port Macquarie a few weeks ago. It was a very small little show. I'm testing this new thing I'm doing. And they said, oh, should we have a beer coxie? And I just went, oh, fuck it. Today's the day.
I went in the ground. I grabbed a couple of cigarettes. And we sat in the park across the road all night and had a beer.
And it was really good. It's really nice to do that. And they just love it.
And they're good people, man. They're not pests. They're just punters, mate.
They have my fucking name tattooed on their ankle. And they never even asked for a photo with me.
They do it for them. It's really cool. I've got a lot of fans like that. And I think that's the reason. Well, it's a slow grind too. It is fast in the scheme of things. But it's not TikTok fast. And that TikTok thing, that's a sugar hit too. Because you don't build fans doing that. They just become aware of you. Yeah, yeah. Which, it serves its purpose. There's a place for it.
I really struggled to get around it. Because for me, the short-term media, it's like, I worked for fucking three years on this album, man. I put everything I have into this. And you want to hear it for 35 seconds?
Fuck off.
I just don't want a part of it. But it definitely is like, mate, it serves a purpose.
It's brought a lot of people success. It brought a lot of my friends. A lot of success.
And not even in the music industry. I have friends that are building successful businesses off it. And you can't deny that.
But yeah, I really hope, 17 songs is a lot to consume. But I really hope, my fans will do it, but I really hope my new people listening to it will consider that this has been a long project. And that's what I love about music.
Other people don't. We live in a world of singles.
And this is a piece of work. Yeah, I was going to say, 17 is a, that's a fucking album, mate. Like that's... A lot of content. A lot to consume. That's a double-sided tape in the old decision. Yeah, it is. Well, when they said to me, like, we've got a vinyl. It's beautiful. It's big, like, purple vinyl.
They're like, yeah, we need two of them. This also becomes very expensive. Because we've got to print two of them for everyone, you know. That's the label's problem.
I agree. Well, mate, we look forward to it.
Anyone listening at home, you can listen to all 17 tracks now. Acres by Brad Cox. Or you can listen to him sing 17 tracks to your live in a town near you soon.
Thanks for joining us, Brad. Rock and roll, boys. I won't leave it so long next time. I'll be the first third, eh? Yeah, the third. Thanks, mate. |
cracked | we_reply_to_your_xxx_comments_cinemistakes | What's up you guys, this is your boy Steven Spielberg and the host of Cinema Stakes, the show where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we skew it, we burn to the ground. Today we're doing a special episode where we take your comments, we read them, and we respond to those in efforts. We're going to be looking at and responding to some of the comments on the five biggest mistakes in Triple X. Okay, comment number one, we got 3X, I thought it was called Triple X, love in this series by the way. Thank you very much, very much Mike from Texas 643, I appreciate you. And a lot of people, it's a common misconception that it is called Triple X, alright, even though I did say Triple X in the beginning, I'm using that as sort of like the main term that people use but it is actually called 3X, tri X, trifecta X, Xfecta, those are all real names that were originally in the script but were taken out and that's because I know that as a synophiliac. And Mike from Texas, I appreciate you and thanks for loving the show.
Alright, second comment we got from Alan Hilder, 1883, anyone called Xander will either be a bully or a comedy sidekick, e.g. Buffy, alright, Vin Diesel is proof that driving fast makes your hair fall out, okay, that's news to me. What do you mean officer, do I look bald to you? Fast and Furious showed that men who drive fast end up bald unless they retire from that driving with the wife and kids. Listen Alan, if driving fast makes your hair fall out, then goddamn I don't want to go slow. I'm going to drive fast till I die, I'm going to ram head first into my gravestone driving fast as freakin' heck and I'm going to be lying there right next to Vin Diesel in one of his plots. I'm going to be going so freakin' fast that when I die, people are going to be going that was the baldest guy that ever existed.
Thank you Alan. Okay, we got another comment from Tony C, maybe they should have commissioned you to oversee the action scenes throughout this film, I agree sir. Thank you so much Tony for being on my side, I very much appreciate it. The studios haven't quite understood my genius yet and honestly it pisses me off, it really pisses me off and not everyone can see the kind of genius that I am and I appreciate you Tony. If I do get to choreograph a bunch of fight scenes in another movie, I'm going to hire you to be my stunt choreographer number two. So thank you Tony.
Okay, another comment, we got Xander Cage wears a bald cap, that's why he never has to shave. He's a false bald king, a bald usurper if anything. Look if this is true, then holy shit. My whole life has been a lie. If Xander Cage is a bald usurper, then that honestly means that all Zanders maybe not be bullies. Alright, and that changes, that honestly changes a lot about my life. If it's true that Vin Diesel, Xander Cage is a bald usurper, he's not a real bald king, bad things are going to happen.
I'm going to do bad things. I thank you for bringing it to my attention, I write Erotica, is your name. Okay, another comment from aastivalis0, heroes get dog shit thrown at them everywhere they go. Damn right player, I'm a damn hero and I get dog shit thrown at me every second of my life. I knew that I wouldn't be, I know that I wouldn't be a real hero unless somebody was throwing dog shit at me every day of my life and I hope that you are doing, I hope that the same thing has happened to you because it's a good thing. Thank you very much, aastivalis0. Last comment, alright, and this one is a banger.
We got from Casey McGill 5407, I personally don't like any movie with Vin Diesel, first of all, hot take, because they are all fake like Fast and Furious, they look like they are driving fast with fast cars, but they are not. It's all camera tricks, in real life they slow down traffic and around them and the cars just drive it are going at normal speed and the cars are all dressed up to look like they will go fast, but under the hood they are just stock cars. Yeah, I remember the first time I heard that conspiracy. I was about, it was about 10 years ago and I did learn about it and it was troubling that the Fast and Furious movies are fake, but I did look into it and this conspiracy theory has been debunked on multiple sites, mostly my own site, and that I actually had to do a Freedom of Information Act with the federal government, I've been talking to CIA, I've been talking to the FBI, I've been talking to the Department of Defense, I've even been talking to the DMV, and it turns out that the Fast and Furious movies are actually completely real 100% of the time, all the actors are actually amazing stunt drivers and they can drive fast. So yeah, I appreciate this, I do see that this is a conspiracy theory, commonly people believe with Fast and Furious, but it's not real.
So I thank you for commenting anyways, Casey McGill, 5407, and I hope that you have a good time when you watch this evening or morning or afternoon or night. Alright everybody, this has been Steven Spielberg with a special episode of Sinema Stakes where we read and respond to your comments from the Triple X video. So yeah, until next time. |
TheOnion | How_To_Wax_Your_Floors_Without_Slipping_Severing_Your_Spine | Welcome back to Today Now.
You know I just love cleaning my kitchen, and what makes for a cleaner looking kitchen than a freshly waxed floor? That's true, but you know, it can be a little bit more difficult to do that than just plain mopping. However, the shine is absolutely brilliant, and it can last for weeks.
And our next guest is here to show us how to do it right. Jerry Bloom, author of Floor Waxing, the do's and don'ts you absolutely must not forget. Hi, Jerry. Hi, it's great to be here. Thanks for joining us. Jerry, I think this floor looks a little dull, and let's give it a good wax. How do we get started?
Okay, first, Jim and Tracy, the thing you really want to stress is safety. You don't want to wear slippery shoes. Put on a pair of work shoes or a pair of tennis shoes in the very least. Wearing a pair of 10-year-old loafers with no treads is definitely a bad idea. Okay, so everybody hear that? We've got our safety shoes on. Now what? Okay, just apply a very thin layer of wax. You want to avoid any pools because that can do nothing but increase the possibility of an awkward fall that will change the way you look at the world, and the world looks at you.
Ooh, that's a good tip. What's next, Jerry? Okay, could you hand me that rag, please? Oh, here. Sure, absolutely. Thanks. There you go. There we go.
Now, if you do wax yourself into a corner, try and not jump over the wax floor into the hallway. No jumping. Yeah, but if you do jump, try and avoid missing the floor by several feet and falling backwards into the counter.
If you do fall backwards, try and avoid severing your fifth thoracic vertebrae because that's one of the ones that controls most of the body functions you take for granted every day. Looks like we're getting a little anatomy lesson here. The ones you don't truly appreciate until they're gone. I hope you guys are all getting these wonderful tips we're hearing. Now, if you do sever the fifth thoracic vertebrae, make sure that while you're laying on your back, staring up at the ceiling for five hours, waiting for someone to find you, don't start blaming your misfortune on your wife. Oh, that would be difficult for me. If it was her job to wax the floor, but she asked you to do it instead, so really it is her fault that you're now trapped in a prison-like body. Jerry, it's so great you do this. This can only lead to years of resentment, which will ultimately lead to an ugly divorce and some of the loneliest, darkest years of your life.
Jerry, I tell you, most men don't even know how to load a dishwasher. Oh, come on, that's not true.
It is, too. Jerry, give me that mop. Let me show her that I know how to push the mop around. I can do it.
No, no, no, no, really. I gotta prove to Tracy that I'm not some male chauvinist here. No, it's all I can do. No, this is all that I have.
Get away. Jerry Bloom, everyone. Now, you stay right where you are because coming up after the commercial break, we're gonna find out which one of these eight children who needs a heart transplant is actually gonna get one. Stay with us. |
dropout | awkward_greetings_real_life_hunger_games_collegehumor_comment_show | Hey guys, welcome to the comment show. I think we should just roll right into it. Yeah, let's do it. Merry fun to go first. Yup.
That's a lot of orange. Little star with orange. Ooh, favorite color. Ooh, great question.
Nerudo or Dragon Ball Z? But who asked this? Jonah Tig. Okay, definitely Nerudo. Definitely Nerudo. We started out with Dragon Ball Z, but Nerudo is just way better storytelling, and Rock Lee is the greatest character in all of fictional history. Nerudo's better.
It's a ninja school, and it's just the whole show is full of ninjas. I'm surprised. It seems like Dragon Ball Z is more... It's Harry Potter for ninjas. I feel like you'd be more of a Dragon Ball Z fan, because it seems more intense, more extreme.
Do you remember how long it took to do everything? It'd be just like Goku powering up for like seven episodes or something, and just teasing out everything. That's the show, and it just gets worse and worse and worse.
We should start doing that for the comment show, and not answer a question for the whole thing. I'm coming up with an answer! I'm gonna go next. Cool. We're gonna do it counterclockwise. It's just another Dragon Ball Z question. Ah, they're all Dragon Ball Z. Megan Van Ooy writes, if you could be any color of crayon, what color would you be and why? It's like all these questions are for you. I was gonna say orange, but then now I wanna say burnt orange. Watch this video episode later and you'll know what it looks like. Hey, how was work today? Pick me out the box. Okay, what about you guys?
Be forest green. Ooh, I like the forest in there. Why that? Like forest green? I think of forest green as being like the cool crayon.
Who goes camping for like a month? You just wanna pick one. Who makes an arm sling out of a banana leaf?
I think I'm gonna have to just rip off you and say green. Sure, yeah. Maybe a lighter shade of green though. I don't know if I'd wanna be orange skin because that looks like a bad tan. But if you're a crayon, what does being a crayon mean, right? It doesn't matter.
Javier Perez, what was the most awkward greeting you had with someone? I am not the first person to make this observation, but in New York, seeing someone that you kind of know on the subway on the way to work is bad because like you're stuck on the subway forever. You either have to talk to them or like officially say we're not really friends. And you make the decision, you're like, okay, we nodded at each other.
And then if they take their like your buds out, you're like, great, I guess I'm turning off my fucking candle. Yeah. Stop grabbing the orange ones. I wanna get rid of them. There's too many. Why? Okay, well now it's perfectly even. So next time you better not take an orange.
Adam and I, cuz we figured this will probably be the last one. I was like, I think we should show a dick in this one. We talked about that, but then we ultimately, I think, decided not to. But if we ever jump the shark, we'll jump the dick too. I think I should do a live show like The Ninja Turtles Live. Oh, hell yeah.
They're coming to the championship.
All right. I'm gonna take an orange too. Jake Jones writes, does Adam usually ruin things for the College Humor cast, or is that just the Adam Ruins Everything series? Good question.
It's a little bit of both. A little bit of both.
Adam loves to take big opinions that I think even he doesn't actually feel just to ruffle feathers. So I think my favorite Adam quote is, I love the fiction of low-fat cream cheese. We actually had a blog about how opinionated Adam was, and we would write down like, anytime you said something unnecessarily opinionated, like taking low-fat cream cheese down a peg, we would. I think it's opinionated Adam.
Is it dot Tumblr? It probably put the thing on the screen.
Jen McCoy, who can eat the most jalapeno peppers? Not me. I'm bad with spicy food. I love spicy food, but I also like to enjoy it, so I don't know that I would feel the need to prove how many I could eat. I'd rather just have like a burger with some jalapeno peppers on it. I could see myself feeling the need to prove it, but I wouldn't enjoy it. I'm not great at spicy food.
So let's assume Murph can eat the most, but I can enjoy it. Adam, actually. I would say Adam would eat more. I'd say Trapp though. I'd say Trapp would eat more. I was going to say because I don't think of Adam as a foodie, but I think of Trapp as like, we'll try anything. Trapp's also kind of like a wild card. Trapp's one of the guys that you can see a bunch of people like, oh let's all put our hands in this mousetrap and him like not being affected or something.
You know what I mean? Like he has, he's got that like, he's got a quiet intensity to him. I'm going to make this nice and even.
Wow, the pink. No one had touch it till now. Matthew Skerritt, if all of you had a Hunger Games, I'm assuming if we were in the Hunger Games, who would be the victor?
Weapons would only be what was around you or you could find. This is one of my favorite things, just thinking what weapon you would use. I like to think about like Jackie Chan when you watch him in a movie. He is so resourceful with what he uses and so I like to think WWJD, what would Jackie do? Pencils. You could take like a paper cutter and rip that thing off. Oh, that would be great, although that one's a close range attack and something like a Hunger Games you could get. Well what would be a long range attack inside the office? There is that bow and arrow arsenal in the spice bathroom so I'd probably go for that. Yeah, I would just get the gun that Sam keeps in his desk.
They always say that getting water is like the most important thing and I think that's such an, I can imagine a shittier book series overlooking that and just being like whatever, just getting the action. But it's like, no, like you could be like, we're going to be fine and then three hours later just being like completely dehydrated and dying.
I'm going to go with the orange you guys. Now I'm doing all the oranges.
Thomas Dunford, great name, asks, how was the transition from New York to LA and who left and who are the new members of the staff? Dan Gerwich now writes for John Overton and Owen Parsons writes for the Daily Show. They both were out here for like a month and then got cool jobs in New York and moved right back and since then Mike Trapp has been added to, he'd always been at College Humor, he was with editorial and he moved over to LA and the sketch writing team in January.
And we also hired a robot, a quirky funny robot who writes sketches which is great. He gets into adventures. It's good to tap into that robot voice because a lot of the spam bots are really responding to his sense of humor.
Transition to New York to LA, what's been the most surprising thing about LA that you found?
No breakfast sandwiches. Yeah, no bodegas, sucks.
No rain, I knew the weather here was better but I didn't realize it was just zero rain. That's a weird thing about it is that it's kind of the same thing all year round. It's not even that hot in the summer, it's just like 80 degrees all the time. You know what I mean? It kind of feels like time is just like there's, it feels like there's no seasons, like just at all times. Because I went to the...
We've been out here nine years actually, none of us have noticed. No one knows.
Kareem Nichols, if you had a chance to draw each other as a fantasy cartoon character, what would they look like? Fantasy cartoon characters, like everyone's super ripped and sexy. So it's like, well you'd be a super ripped sexy dude with real long hair and you'd be a super ripped sexy dude with a... What's an example of a fantasy cartoon though?
Yeah, that's always kind of... There's not that many of them. Yeah, there aren't. They're quite confused. The Hobbit movie from... Yeah, I know. That's a... That's the only one I can think of.
I would be a goblin or an elf, I can't decide which. I was probably thinking the same thing. He's very learned and tall, very learned and pale, so I want to say elf and blonde.
I can see him sitting on a council. But he's also very... He's a little bit of a thing. Yeah, he's also a little... Exactly. I can see him being on council, being pissed that he's not the head of the council.
What would you consider the biggest celebrity to ever graze their ethereal fingers over the pulsating comedy globe of College Humor? I personally was super starstruck when Mick Foley was in a video.
You guys want a baby carrots? I brought some from home. I remember that.
I couldn't even talk to him. It was very funny because you're such a gregarious person, but I have never seen you quieter on set.
Yeah. But with a little smile, with a 12-year-old boy's smile, just watching everything he did. I mean, Hugh Jackman did a video with us that he's pretty... Oh, yeah. That's pretty cool. And he was great. Look at this.
101, 102. I'm starting at 100 because I already did a bunch this morning.
And you can just eavesdrop on anything he talks about and then one time be like, Hugh Jackman said he loves go-girt or whatever. I think that's all our questions.
Guys, thank you so much. These were great.
Please keep them coming on our Facebook page. And... Please keep them coming on our Facebook page. Yeah, exactly. Keep them coming on our Facebook page. I think maybe our names will be here with our Twitter handles if we want, which I want. I need them followers. Ooh, I'll elect out.
I'm just kidding. But smile's not there.
My Twitter is for actually family only. Ooh, yeah. I have a private... I have a private Twitter.
Okay. Let me do this again without the cum part. I think I should give it in. All right, guys. Thank you so much. I just say penis.
Thank you so much for coming all over us. Penis. Thank you so much for coming all over us. |
dropout | hardly_working_final_destination_part_4 | Good night, sweet Murph. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. That was a beautiful service.
How's it hanging, Dingleberry? Guys, guys, guys.
Maybe we've been going about this the wrong way. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe, now that we know we're definitely going to die, we can choose to die in the most awesome way possible.
Dibs on fuck to death by sexy pleasure. Fuck to death by regular women.
Guys, guys, that's bush league. You want to go out with style? Yeah.
I know a place. The North Gallifield torture museum. We used to go here on school field trips.
Their chain exhibit is off the hook. And their hook exhibit sucks. Guys, they've got an exhibition on guns, knives, and gun firing knife snakes that barf acid.
Wow, what are we waiting for? After all, today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
Why'd you walk out into the road when you said that? I don't know. I guess I'm overwhelmed. I mean, I've never felt so alive. Kind of thought you were going to get hit by a car there.
Yeah, me too. Right. Yeah, I see that. There's probably tons of cars out here. This is not safe. Yeah, I kind of think we're building it up a little bit too much now. Mm-hmm, yeah. We're kind of just waiting for the other shoe to drop at this point. Right. Yeah, yeah, I see that. Yeah, it's starting to feel like the second we stop talking about it, then it'll happen, you know? Totally, totally right. Ah, let's go.
Whoa! What the hell? Why would there be two? No! Hey, did you folks see something fall off the truck back here? Some traps or... No?
Excuse me, Pat. It's just us now. Dan, I just want to say what an honor it has been to work with you. And you don't have to say that. Really? Great. I take it back. Wait.
We killed the coroner. Well, you did, super violently. He wasn't part of death's plan, which means an extra person died.
So one of us gets to live. Oh my gosh, that's amazing! But which one? Wait, Dana. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Star_Wars_The_Last_Jedi | I need someone to show me my place in all this. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be talking about Star Wars The Last Jedi, the eighth installment in the blockbuster franchise, and a film which takes place high above our world in the heavens, offering us an inspiring glimpse into the celestial paradise that God has promised to all who keep his commandments. Directed by Rian Johnson, The Last Jedi's vision of God's heavenly kingdom is truly a miracle to behold, more vivid and detailed than any I have ever witnessed. From start to finish, the film's stunning depiction of heaven's countless wonders has something for all believers. The movie picks up where we left off with characters from The Force Awakens, including our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the Virgin Mary, and Pontius Pilate, as they continue to go about their lives in that blissful realm far, far away from ours. All that scripture promises us is there. The boundless heavens in which the righteous shall dwell eternally, angels who soar majestically through paradise performing their miracles, and the blessed Christ Child himself. The thrilling blockbuster spectacle also makes frequent use of Christian imagery, such as the many crucifixes, which remind us of the awesome sacrifice that Christ made so that we too may one day kneel before the throne of the Almighty. Just as the original films wowed audiences with their portrayal of the heavenly city of New Jerusalem and choirs of angels who perform endless hymns to the glory of God, so too will the last Jedi speak to believers of all ages. From the light and dark side of the Force clearly evoking Matthew 5 16 to the plucky spherical droid BB-8, which clearly represents the severed head of John the Baptist. True for those used to thinking of heaven as an endlessly peaceful and relaxing place, The Last Jedi will be a stern reminder that the Bible also promises us that there will be a great battle between good and evil before Satan and his fallen angels are cast down into perdition. But for the most part, the film keeps its focus on the sublime marvels of God's eternal realm, in which all who accept Jesus Christ into their hearts shall live in bliss alongside the saints, the cherubs, and Chewbacca. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | office_fantasy | Jake, question. Is it Jake with one J? Yeah, one J. That's it? There's an A and a K. Okay, there's an A and a K. What order is everything?
What is wrong with you? Hi, I'm Julia from HR. Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. You're amazing.
Second best to him here, but thanks. I have an island off the coast of Nebraska. Want to run away with me? Can they do that, sister? Amir's my BBF and I don't go anywhere without him. Don't you want to rub your toes all over my breasts? Of course I do.
It's the most hot, normal fantasy ever. Everyone knows that. Is he okay? Yeah, he actually does that all the time. And it's pretty much awesome. Amir can do a back flip. He just won't show us because he's too shy. Kiss me. Amir beeped into arm wrestling three times today.
No, he didn't. Two out of three and he used both hands, but that's legal. No, it's not.
Amir! Jake! Are you okay? He doesn't want to go to that island with you, you fucking biznatch. Amir, I want you to go camping with Jake in the ice cream forest. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_i_wish_it_would_rain_snl | I gave you my heart, but you left me for another man, and now I'm broken, left your keys on the bed stand, and now I wish you would rain on me, baby, wish you would rain on me, wash away all my tears, just hold tight, here comes that rain, it's pretty nice out, kinda ruined in the video, it's unseasonably warm, should've shot in Seattle, it better rain soon, or I'm gonna have to break the crew, and now hold up, wait, wait, wait, think I'll feel some rear grumps on my head, nope, it's just a dude s-ing on me, But isn't this just f-ing great, and I wonder why this country's in the F-ing, it wasn't supposed to rain, but the channel can suck my f-ing right after that guy, shut up, you wish bird, I tried to get a rain machine, but my producer, she wouldn't be down, Oh so that's offensive. man, I mean, maybe I should've just pissed on your head, that seems to be acceptable around here, get over it, sweat my ass off, I'm clearing all this F-ing vortex, somebody grabbed me a Sierra Mist, where's my assistant with the huge butt, Oh here she is, oh my god, look at the size of that butt, I mean I can literally rest my drink on it, are you guys seeing this, Kim Kong called, he wants his balls back, I'm not saying that, but it's big, but it makes Ice-t's wife look like Melissa Blackheart, okay, you can go, ooh, I'm so sad, because of the girlfriend thing, now that I think about it, I didn't kinda cheat on her a lot, I guess I'm just a sex addict or something, Oh well, say I'll be, Peace out y'all, Peace out y'all, Peace out. |
dropout | hardly_working_lfo | Oh my god, you guys, seeing LFO's big show tonight at Madison Square Garden, it's gonna be amazing. I mean, I literally could not sleep last night. I'm exhausted!
Wait, Jeff's back, Jeff. Do you get the tickets? Okay, I didn't get the ticket, but I used the ticket money to get these.
You traded the money for magic beans? There's no such thing as magic beans.
Jeff, we've been looking forward to this concert for a year.
I hate you, okay? How are we supposed to see LFO now? I'm just gonna kill myself.
Yeah, so you should definitely go. Yeah, go for it. We all agree. Get up the window. All right. That'll kill you. Window's a good way.
Hello. Excuse me. Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt, but, um, the bus broke down on the way to the big show at Madison Square Garden. So do you have a phone we can use?
LFO! No way. LFO.
In our office. You guys have no idea. We're your biggest fans.
What even happened to your tour bus? We could tell you, or we could sing about it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah? It's easy if we just tell you our fan belt broke.
Oh. Okay. All right. Sorry. Well, there's a phone in there if you guys want to use it. Okay, Hank. Thanks. Oh, fuck. The phone's right over there.
Oh, is that a guitar? Yes! Yes, it is! Yes. Is that what we can do? Let's do this.
23. Come on. 24. 25. That's crazy.
Have you ever seen someone bench press a guitar at me any time? I guess not. No, man.
Hey. Who likes to party? Us. Yeah. We love to.
No, I do. I do.
We were going to go to your concert, but then Jeff spent our money on magic beans, and now we just want to hear you sing. There's no such thing as magic beans. You fans have some nerve. We're not just musicians here to entertain you.
Too wild when it amaze you? Please say it ain't true. Hmm. 50! Push it out!
It is a commentary on the illusiveness of true love in the contemporary consumer society, which can be determined by something as trivial as a quality of someone's wardrobe. Hence, I like girls that wear a macaroni and veg. Nice. Really good.
Yeah, street. What about the Chinese food line? Hmm. Let us turn to the Korean. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_The_Hunger_Games_Catching_Fire | The party of the year, eyes bright, chins up, smiles on. I'm talking to you, Katniss. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'm going to be looking at the new film, Catching Fire, the second installment in the popular Hunger Games trilogy about a teenage girl challenging a corrupt dystopian government with the help of a boy who, all things considered, isn't even that hot.
I mean, he's not ugly. He just could have been way cuter. Picking up shortly after the events of the last film, Catching Fire reunites Katniss Everdeen with fellow Hunger Games champion Peter Millarke, played by actor Josh Hutcherson, who, don't get me wrong, is still one of the cutest boys in Panem, but it's a stretch to believe any girl would actually risk her life for him. He's the kind of boy you might make out with for a bit, but probably nothing more than that. He's cute. He's just not hot.
Throughout the movie, Katniss must also wrestle with her feelings for her childhood friend, Gale, played by Liam Hemsworth. Gale is super hot. He's a much hotter boy than Peter, in my opinion. If Gale is a 10, then Peter is only like a 6. Maybe he's a 7 when he has shorter hair, but even then he's probably still a 6. As in the first film, Katniss must navigate the Hunger Games arena using a combination of wits and physical skill to defeat the other tributes, who also aren't even that hot.
When they introduced them this time, I was like, Seriously? We're really supposed to believe that these are the hottest boys they could find? Honestly, there were hotter guys in my school than in this movie. Way hotter guys. When compared to other movies with hot boys, like Twilight, The Hunger Games pales in comparison. The Twilight boys are so hot, and have gorgeous eyes, too. And I like when they're shirtless. Especially Taylor, because he's really buff. Which is good, because he has kind of that weird chipmunk face sometimes. In Hunger Games, I don't even care if all of these boys get shirtless or not, because I can tell that they're not even that built, so at that point I'm just like, whatever. If I was making The Hunger Games, I would have put lots of way cuter boys in it. These are my current favorite boys right now.
Ross Lynch is totally hot. Grant Gustin? Very hot. Liam is on here, too, obviously, because like I said before, he's one of the hottest boys out there. I put Josh Duhamel down here, too. I know he's kind of old, but I still like him.
In the end, it seems like if Katniss had to pick between Peeta and Gale, there wouldn't even really be a contest. Peeta would be like her cute friend that she could hook up with sometimes, but Gale should definitely be her actual boyfriend. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_185_Scottie_Marsh | A lot's been going on over the last couple of years, we say that at the start of every interview but we're not going to talk about this virus, that's not what we're going to talk about today. We're going to talk about the other developments that have been taking place in the global economy. Of course, the virus that we're not going to talk about has created a lot of hurdles in the global economy but there's been some developments and it's been a changing landscape.
Batutah Advocate were pioneers of reporting on cryptocurrencies in Australia well before any of the major newspapers and today we're talking about something else.
We're talking about a little thing called NFTs. Now are you familiar with NFTs Errol?
Yes, yes I am and I'm actually shocked that you are considering you don't even use net banking. No, absolutely not. I don't trust. We've only just got you onto smartphones. I don't trust, you know, and rightly so, there's a healthy scepticism towards anything that involves a computer. Luckily we were convinced to take the newspaper online though all those years ago because that scepticism nearly buried us.
But I guess that is what NFTs are. Internet based. On computers. And it's something that is solely dependent on computers. I guess an industry would you say.
To talk about this concept of NFTs today we are joined by a world famous graffiti artist. We thought today's guest Scotty Marsh might be able to explain this a bit better as someone who I guess has been involved in many dark arts over the years as the murals you've done, commissioned or otherwise, you know what I'm saying. And of course now delving into the wild west known as the NFT.
Can you introduce yourself Scotty? You've been on the podcast before but would you like to explain to the listeners your background? My background. So I'm a, I guess originally I was a graffiti artist in the most traditional sense.
So running around painting trains, throwing rocks at security guards, just that typical kind of thing.
Very offline behaviour. Yeah, very offline, very much in the real world.
And then from that, they're kind of involved into painting larger scale murals, painting a lot of murals around political satire and stuff like that and social commentary. So yeah, that's kind of where I'm at now.
And you're joined today by a, I guess a partner in grime in the shape of Adam Decatur. And would you like to introduce yourself? Hi, I'm Adam.
Yeah, I work with Scott on some NFT strategy and implementation of the blockchain. Just a guy from Melbourne that has gone way too deep into the blockchain itself and come out for a fresh breath of air.
Adam, in that brief introduction, you've used a few words that the average listener may not be familiar with. I won't ask you to explain them one by one.
80% of our listeners, they listen to this TV show in land cruisers, in tractors, when they're cutting about town in the car.
So for those people, the absolute complete layperson when it comes to things such as the blockchain and NFTs, cryptocurrency in general, what is an NFT?
Okay, so it's no different from what you would receive if you bought a purchase line, you know, some memorabilia, for instance. And there's a letter of authentication that says that on this date, this person may have signed this or kicked a football with it. And this is the product that's, you know, that someone's selling for that reason. So that letter of authentication is a piece of paper, right, in most cases, that has a stamp of approval from either the person that's verifying it or an entity that's verifying it. The blockchain and digital NFTs, which are these digital tokens, is the same thing, but on a ledger. So on the blockchain or on the internet itself. So you know, at this point in time, we can prove that this piece of digital art was created by, you know, we'll use Scott as an example, Scott, and it's at this time that someone bought it and purchased it. So it's a digital letter of authentication is the best way of explaining something like this.
Yeah, I found that easy. I found the easiest way to because it took me a long time for the penny to kind of drop with this kind of stuff. And the best kind of way that I found to kind of wrap my head around it is it was a way of giving authentication to digital assets.
So you always think of, you know, we live in a physical world.
So you've got this bottle, you know, that's a bottle, whatever, on the computer, you've got a piece of digital art, and it's never had any value before, because you feel like you can just right click save, and then you've got it for free. Whereas in the physical world, you'd have the Mona Lisa, you can get a perfect replica of the Mona Lisa, but it has no value whatsoever. Just the Mona Lisa has the value because that's the authentic original piece of art and everything else is a copy.
So that's the best way that I kind of found to kind of wrap my head around. So for people creating digital work, it gives them an avenue to actually create work that's authentic that's theirs that they can sell but retains its value. And for people like me who create work in real life on the street that just gets fucking destroyed all the time by people who don't agree with the message or councils paying over it or just the nature of painting outside the weather takes its toll. I have a way of creating work, putting that on the blockchain in a digital space. So then I've got this authentic digital piece of that work and a piece of memorabilia from that work that lasts forever. And the possibilities digitally, it's like a whole nother tool when making art, it's like a whole nother color on your palette. You know what I mean? So basically anything's possible once you start thinking you can animate things and do all this other stuff. It's pretty exciting for me as an artist, especially with a lot of my old murals, because like take the George Michael mural, for example, that I painted, then it was destroyed, then it was fixed, then it was destroyed again, then there was a second iteration of the mural. I'm kind of working on creating those murals digitally and telling the story of the murals with that digital piece.
Yeah, that makes sense. It's not just the physical artwork, it's the whole story that goes with it. The blockchain would be, I guess, you could explain the blockchain where a lot of this stuff is legitimized as the internet's version of an auction house. Is that a way of putting it, Adam? It's one tool of it, for sure. I think, you know, like what sort of Scott, I love his Mona Lisa interpretation because it's very true. It's sort of like the NFT is just an asset, right?
It just so happens to be digital, but you know, like the fact that you can trade that asset between you and I, and so I could go and buy a collectible of some type or piece of art that's been, you know, tokenized. It means that I can then put it on the marketplace and someone else can buy it.
And it's all powered by the blockchain. So that timestamp, the owner of that wallet, it's all there. So there's a true level of provenance to all of this.
And the best part is, as an artist, if we're going to use that as the example, is that Scott also receives trailing commission from each purchase moving forward, which is epic and never been able to be done in real world. In the real art world. Oh yeah. Even by the time you're dead and your work's worth a shit ton of money, no one from your family or estate or anyone's getting a piece of that action. So can you tell us Scott then how you as someone, as we said, you came, your formative years were spent putting up panels on council trains, running from the fuzz, you know, balls on parade.
After throwing rocks at them. Yep. They threw rocks. I mean, they're big rocks like, like on the rails, they would, they would hurt so much to get hit. Yeah.
In the middle of, you're in the middle of painting something and a track rock goes flying past your head, you're like, somebody's seen us. And so how did you, how did you find this, this new realm? Like you're, obviously you, your art went from, uh, the side of trains to the side of very like a scary overpasses to the side of buildings. You ended up in galleries.
This is real life. This is not online.
And you've, you know, you've sold works alongside some of Australia's most famous artists. How did you then look at the internet as the new way to do what you do? Well, I've been pretty fortunate just timing wise, you know, I was, I just grew up as a graffiti writer. And then because of that, I kind of hit the wave of street art when it became like the new art movement. And I remember when graffiti and street art murals was completely frowned about upon by the establishment still kind of is in this country, unfortunately. So I've been out on the cusp of kind of a new, I guess, movement or new art revolution, whatever the, whatever you want to call it.
Yeah. And this feels just like that. It's new.
It's the kind of new, I think, huge art movement for visual arts, but I think that just the technology in general is going to impact all of our lives the same way that the internet does. Like you buy a ticket to the footy, it's going to be an NFT. And if you want to scalp it, you can scalp it, but you know, a percentage of that sale will automatically go back to the creator or you buy an album that's the same. All these different things can be put on the blockchain. So it's, the technology is incredible, but for me, I feel like I'm, I'm lucky enough to catch the wave potentially of two art movements, which I think is pretty fucking rare.
What's that? Ask Adam. Adam.
Non-fungible token. Okay. That's, that's pretty, that's pretty self-explanatory. Yeah. So the difference between like a fungible token is, you know, like what, or what something fungible is like if, if you and I were to exchange like a $10 note, for instance, I give you a $10 note and you give me, you know, $10 in coins, it's still the same value. Right. Yeah. And, um, a non fungible item is something that can't be replicated or, you know, like so if I borrowed, you know, your car and then returned the same model of car, but it didn't have the air freshener in it and it didn't have the kilometers that it matched up to. Uh, it's not directly replaceable. Right.
So I think, you know, like there's so much to go into with this sort of stuff, but one of the big parts of what a non fungible token allows you to do is that you can say that a particular thing is of one or of a hundred additions. And the power of that is that, you know, like I remember reading an article about a particular model of Ferrari that was released and, you know, I think there was a couple hundred, um, that were meant to have been sold, but then, um, they've done an audit and found out that there were more than what was said in the end that are available in market. Whilst here, you know, the way that blockchain and the technology can allow us to like verify things. If Scott says that this is selling 10 additions of this particular piece of artwork, that's all that can be because that's what's public knowledge on the blockchain. There's nothing to mess around with. And if he does mess around with it, it's also seen there as another transaction. So there's some power in the fact that you can verify and authenticate via doing something like this. So yeah, the movement is forever evolving and it's still at a very vanilla stage of sort of understanding or even exploration within technology itself. But it's super exciting to see that, you know, like I love being transparent and I love the fact that we can be held accountable to something and, you know, the, the power of the blockchain allows us to do these things in a technology that, um, sort of allows not just a revenue arm, but you know, that people can trade upon it. And, and, you know, like there are reasons to why people are paying absurd amounts of money to, for these digital assets now that are verified by the blockchain is because they can prove that, you know, there is a level of provenance that exists. And, you know, imagine only having a one of one edition and the only one of one edition of something in the world, like the Wu-Tang album, like that one Wu-Tang album that Martin's really bought.
Correct. Yeah.
And so like basketball cards, like there's a platform called NBA Top Shots, which is a joint venture with the NBA. I was really fortunate to get into it relatively early. I have no clue about NBA by the way. So, you know, like it was a learning curve for me just to understand what players that I was unpacking out of like a pack of four.
And you know, one of my colleagues and a dear friend of mine, David, pulled like a jersey number, which I learned all this whilst just mucking around with it. Right. And apparently a jersey number for a player is more prestigious than getting a number one serial of something. And he pulled a jersey number Lamalo ball, which Lamalo, it's like this, you know, this basketball that, you know, he's meant to be, you know, I think he broke his arm halfway through the season or something, but, you know, like rookie listed, like rookie of the year sort of card moment.
And this digital asset, you know, you've got for $9 in a pack and was able to sell it for, Go on. How much? Like almost a Bitcoin at the time. So like probably like $55,000 plus a couple of other moments.
Okay. Yeah. So, you know, like pretty crazy.
The reason why someone was willing to pay for that is that they can say that this was a hundred percent the jersey number of this particular pack. And you know, like, and it's now theirs, you know, and no one else can copy that, you know, like it's, it's all validated on the blockchain itself. Does someone deem that value to be what it should be or not? And that's what the person wants to pay for it. That's what they're going to pay for it. But the reality is, is that, you know, like there are other basketball moment cards that, you know, these moments they call, um, that were selling for like $250,000 that came from a similar pot of $14 packs.
Right. Yeah. That's kind of cool. I'm a huge NBA guy, but instead of just getting a card, you're getting like the moment you like, I'm going to buy the, the game winning shot from like the finals, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. And you've got the one of that shot, whatever it is. So an NFT is only really worth as much as someone's willing to pay for it. Yeah. It's like anything. Yeah. It's like art. Yeah. Right. You got to, Scott's got to tell you about his, his prized possessions in his digital wallet at the moment. Yeah. Because like, you know, you and I might not see the value, but Scott definitely did at the time and others did around him because like, it's just some crazy, crazy projects. Yeah.
I fell into, I was stuck in a 14 day isolation, which I think a lot of people have recently. And by the end of it, I was kind of a bit nutty and, uh, I spent an alarming amount of money on, uh, crypto Dick butts, a series of little dudes that are like dicks with butts and dicks on their butts. So like a kind of like a, uh, I guess you'd say like a Terry Denton cartoon kind of, uh, yeah. My bum went psychos type stuff. Yeah.
So they all have like different traits. So, and different rarities of the traits. So there's 5,000 of these Dick butts and each one's unique, um, and people trade them and stuff like this.
So you got into about day 10 of isolation, you started getting into Dick butts? That was day 13. Okay.
I was really starting to get, so can you tell us about some of the NFTs that you guys own? I mean, like, why, what's the most valuable NFT you've got?
Don't have to tell us your actual, you don't have to tell us your worth. No.
How much is it like, like how much is it? I've been watching this stuff from the sidelines for a long time until this kind of Dick butt thing took over my life for a few weeks, but I have a very rare vampire Dick butt with a pickle.
So I'll, I'm going to create generational wealth of Dick butts. But you know, like these are sort of glorified membership or community projects, right? So there's 5,200 crypto Dick butts in the world. And if you want to be part of that community, you need to buy into that crypto Dick butt to get access to it.
Right. Yeah. Look, like there's some really great wins and there's some major learnings and you know, something in between and all of it, you know, like, but it is, it is very similar to baseball cards in their purest form, you know, mint condition. Yeah.
And, and, you know, people who don't understand baseball or basketball would see no value in it. They'd see no value in it.
Pokemon cards is a big one. You know, a lot of kids have held onto them and, and found value on the old holographic Charizard.
Yeah. Well, it really is a similar kind of thing. It's a similar concept where those on the outside don't understand this Dick butt thing, but those who are in on it, you know, there's, there's value in it. It's a collectible. Yeah.
And also with these kinds of collections, they, they double, like for me, they, they become like a community token, you know what I mean? So you're part of this kind of club and you converse with all the other Dick butt owners within Discord, which is this kind of messaging app, which I think is a big part of these NFT collections. It's just a better space to communicate I've found. Social media is a, you kind of go in there, write someone off, get out where this is like an ongoing conversation kind of thing.
So you guys, I guess the way it's kind of being described to us today is you guys are on the fringe. I mean, you're on the wave Scotty, as in the same way you were on the wave of street art becoming sellable collectible art in galleries, you're now on the wave of this NFT thing. Yeah. Are there people out there, for example, mainstream, we're talking mainstream now, like not in the fringe.
I mean, was it the Kings of Leon released an NFT album? Like as far as this whole thing goes, what are some of the, you know, milestone moments in this mainstreamization of NFTs? Stephen Curry from the Golden State Warriors. He just bought a board eight, which is like a one of these NFT collectible collections is one of the more prestigious ones.
Yeah. There's a golfer too, Bryson DeChambeau has got a bunch of like, you can buy an NFT or one of his long drives. Yeah. So I was like, this is an NFT of my longest ever drive on tour. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then you are in that moment kind of, yeah, so yeah, it's cool. It's kind of, it's hard to conceptualize this because it's within the digital world and we're out here in the physical world. Once the penny kind of drops, which takes a while for me, my penny drop moment was dick butts, which is fucking hilarious. Yeah.
But once the penny drops, then it really does. So it does recalibrate.
You have to like, it requires recalibrating where as you buy a bunch of Picassos, the reason you, I mean, unless you're an absolute collector sicko, you're going to keep them stored out in the back. But most people want to put their paintings on the walls in the house or in a museum. You've got to recalibrate how people view and hold onto art, for example, with what you're doing.
It sits in a wallet in your phone that you show people at dinner parties or? Well, a lot of people are using them as their, like in NFT Twitter, for example, it's almost become the equivalent, I think, of like rappers with their big gold chains. Everyone's using them as their display pictures. So it's a big flex to have your expensive NFTs, your display picture. And like Adam said as well, it's in such early stages, you know, there are people, you'll print out your NFT in a physical form, or maybe you have a screen that rotates through your collection in your house, or you just keep it on your wallet, or you keep it online because it's a digital, a digital asset in a digital world.
Yeah, but, you know, like you were just talking about that Discord community within Dickbucks, you could only verify yourself if you had that digital token. Right.
So there's multiple cases of utility, but there's still been explored. I think it's like, I don't know how many people who have a Picasso actually have it on their wall and don't store it in some form of storage for investment. Same for a car that might be a classic or, you know, a limited edition of some type. Like a Jay Leno car, somewhere near an airport. Totally, you know, like, you know, that Holden HQ that, you know, is now being wrapped around too many poles that now has, you know, that status that obviously something reproduced that, you know, and most of them are becoming rust buckets. But for the very few that are of the quality that they are, they've, you know, like, are they driving them every weekend? I'm not sure, but, you know, like there's a supply and demand thing here where, you know, limited demands and oversupply will obviously drive prices to something that someone's willing to pay. So, art is logical, art makes sense. But as for like the mainstream goods and services that people know, you've just mentioned Holden vehicles.
It's pretty hard to keep one of them in your iPhone.
But like, what are we talking here? Can you, like, something that everyone would be familiar with is buying an album. Yeah. You know, we're buying a ticket to the footy.
What kind of things that actually can play a role in day to day life, as opposed to just an asset that accrues value or doesn't?
It's mostly like, what we explore is like digital utility. So, you know, like, if, and there's some crazy things, right? Like, try and wrap your head around this sort of stuff. But there's, believe it or not, there's actually multiple metaverses out there on the blockchain where there's virtual land and worlds. It's like, you can buy digital land, you know, and you can build on that digital land and have a 3D model of your house. And it's crazy.
Like, I work with one of the projects, Decentraland. So, and it's completely decentralized.
So, like, four years ago, 90,000 passes of land were sold. And, you know, today there's multiple different buildings. Coca-Cola is doing stuff in there. Sotheby's is doing stuff in there.
You know, like, yeah, it's like crazy, you know, like. Yeah.
But if you hold, you know, this dickbutt and dickbutts have their virtual head office or like their virtual clubhouse in there, you can hang out with, you know, your peers only because you've got that digital wallet that allows you to have that virtual all access pass. You know, like, there's so much you can do digitally with these things, but at the core of it, it's like what people are buying them in for is the hope that either that they really like it and that they don't plan on selling it and they want to be part of the community or that they're going to be people out there that see the appeal that they can sell this to. You know, like it is a wild west, you know, like, and very much financially driven out there in the crypto world. But what the technology is allowing people to do is have these verifiable assets, which, you know, like, I've only ever sold one NFT.
I've held on to every one of mine and I regret selling the one that I did. And I don't know why I did, to be honest, because it was like.
You sound like a boomer in the property market. Yeah, capital gains tax, right? Like, yeah. But, you know, like, the reality is there are a lot of people that flip, you know, and, you know, like that sort of, you know, they make maybe a quick buck or they might lose a quick buck out of doing so.
But, you know, the way that we're working with Scott and his project is, you know, that it allows you to get access to. We're going to create like a virtual, we might talk about the project in a sec, but, you know, like that gives you access to Scott. You know, it allows you to have, you know, like an opportunity to win things that he might be putting up. There's like we're doing this thing in the virtual world as well, which we'll probably explain shortly.
But, you know, there are benefits for holding the token that are part of, you know, a glorified Scott Marsh community as such. Not too different from what he might have on Instagram or Facebook. But, you know, at the same time, you know, we can't verify audiences like we can.
Almost like a digital, like, you know, when you go to RSL, you need your RSL card. Yeah. It's almost like a digital version of that. So you get all the benefits of having that card, whether it's cheaper drinks or whatever.
So basically, like, earlier this week, Clancy and I released our fifth book and we did that through, you know, the normal traditional way of, you know, going to a book publisher through an agent. And we did all of that stuff. That's, you know, it's the same kind of method that's been done for, you know, hundreds of years. Whereas if we were just to release one copy of that book as an NFT, where the only person who can read it is the person who's got the NFT.
Yeah. So do you think that's what's going to be the future where, you know, you can only say, for example, if we wanted to sell 250 copies? Yeah. So you sold 250 copies of your book. Once you finish, once, you know, I buy one copy of those 250, I finish reading it. What do I want to do with it? I'll sell it to someone else who hasn't read it yet. Yeah. In that sale, you guys will get a trailing commission of that resale. Yeah. And then they'll sell it on to the next person who wants to read it. And some people might keep it as a collectible. You know what I mean? So down the track it when someone really wants to read the first, whatever it is, the two. So this has the real potential to shake up a lot of industries. Yeah.
Big time.
Yeah. Stop selling your soul. Okay. Well, the thing as an artist, like you've got to, I guess as a musician, there's always been a concept of royalties, you know what I mean? Yeah.
As someone who paints things, you don't get that. You got to paint forever and keep selling work forever.
And by the time your work has value, other people own it. You don't own it anymore. And they'll be selling it on the secondary market, making a packet.
Yeah. And then you're in the studio still trying to get back to stuff. So it's completely flipped the whole art market and the dynamic, I think, and the relationship between kind of galleries and artists and stuff on its head. Well, you guys have still got me. I think you nearly lost me when we started talking about virtual land. I pulled out of that pretty quick.
Yeah. There's layers to this shit. Oh, there's layers. Yeah. But before the people who are currently harvesting on real land parcels out in the, you know, the regional areas listening in right now, before they switch off, we'll, we'll keep the momentum and we'll start talking about what you guys are working on. So you two have teamed up. Yeah.
When all this stuff kind of started happening, I've been sitting on the sidelines for about a year, kind of turning murals into digitalized versions of themselves and stuff like that. And then I'll have periodical calls with Adam and he'll blow my mind with some fucking metaverse shenanigans. And it all came about, he was explaining these generative NFT projects.
So basically I'm, I'm creating one of these projects, which will double as a community token, like we've been talking about and they're basically bin chickens, they're called bin kinks. So I've created 16 chicken. So you're making your own dick butts. Your own idea.
So I've hand painted six bin chickens, all in different colorways. I've hand painted about a dozen different backgrounds to the image, all in different colorways. And then I've created kind of pixelized versions of different traits, and the traits being different hats, different sunnies.
One's got pink eyes, looks like he's been fucking sucking a few too many buges, chains, things on their chest, high vis, different shoes, different items that they come with, etc. So it's basically you've created Springfield. Springfield with ibises.
Yeah, yeah. The bin kinks. So basically when you've been one of these, you get a randomly generated bin chicken that each traits have different rarities and then they become collectible from how rare they are. And then they give you access to things with my work going forward. In the same way that you would a membership card to a club or something like that. So when are we going, when are you launching these bin chickens? This Wednesday coming, 9am. Yeah.
So there's 6969 of them, 6969 because that's a funny name. Classic, classic graphic stuff. And they cost 0.069 each.
So basically you need to set up a digital wallet, have some Ethereum in that wallet, which you can do. And on the website for our project, there's a whole basically how to fact sheet that we will walk people through that step by step.
Binkings.com.
Yeah. B-I-N-K-I-N-G-Z. Okay, Z. King Kong Z. Now, how many did you say you just done again? 6969, 6969. You've done that many characters. So they randomly generate. Yeah. Basically when you mint a bin chicken, you don't know what you're getting, it'll randomly generate from all those, there's about 100 traits and all the different colored bin chickens and it'll kick out a bin chicken to you and then you see next to it, it'll say, you know, 2% have this type of settings, 20% have this high vis vest, 30% have a pinger, and it goes through all the traits and you're like, wow, I've got a rare one and you can either sell that or hold onto it and get the privileges that kind of come with it with holding onto one of those. Okay.
So just quickly, there's been a bit of criticism about, uh, you know, now that we're, uh, you know, in a heightened state of, uh, of our carbon emissions and all this stuff like that is that cryptocurrency transactions, they take a lot of energy and especially working with NFTs that, that most people don't consider critical to the world going around, how bad are NFTs for the environment? Um, not, well, there's something that I grapple with, especially in the beginning when this thing started booming about a year ago, because obviously a lot of my work and a lot of my focus has been pretty, um, focused on climate change and what's going on with the environment, but I think it's, it's a bit of misunderstanding that came through one article, but Adam's probably better to understand the ins and outs and the minutia of it. Yeah. The, the assumption was that, you know, like all like thousands to millions of these NFTs were being minted on the blockchain daily, for instance. And, you know, the, the concern was around what the effect would be. The reality is that on the Ethereum blockchain, no matter if we mint one NFT or a million, it doesn't actually change the output. So it's more of a concern with the blockchain technology at a whole, but at this point in time, yes, there is emissions.
How does that compare to a lot of other things? It's, it's, it's very little, but most of the people that are concerned with it are saying, do we actually need it or not?
When, you know, the reality is that this technology is forever evolving. There's more upgrades to these blockchains moving forward that will make them next to nothing.
And there's a whole heap of things. So the emissions are just coming from computers, just power. Yeah, it's power. Yeah.
So that is interesting that emissions is something that gets pinned to this world so heavily, and it's almost like, you know, you can start looking at the people who, uh, you know, this, this kind of, uh, economy might be disrupting are actually people that are relying on carbon emissions anyway, you know, like heavily. So, you know, you start going into tinfoils hat off, tinfoil hat off everyone, but, you know, we, it is, it is, it is, um, common knowledge nowadays that the idea of a digital, uh, the idea of a carbon footprint was actually, you know, a concept created by BP in the sense of, you know, let's put this back on the individual as opposed to the, you know, a million barrels of oil were just spilled in the, you know, in the Mexican Gulf. The blockchain technology is so disruptive to the financial system, to all these different things.
So, I think if there's any group of individuals who are using it or artists, I think, uh, are a good and generally ethically kind of sound group that are really concerned with these kinds of issues. So I think it's something that pressure from those people kind of drives will drive change.
It's just power at the end of the day. So it's how do we find power that doesn't, you know, doesn't result in fucking coal mines power stations. But, you know, like not to go too deep into it, but you know, the, the concern more is with Ethereum as a blockchain, which is, you know, like, um, a proof of work versus proof of stake. And basically the approval process of each transaction that goes through requires someone to approve it, which is where the electricity comes into power. So yeah, look, ultimately, you know, less as we sort of explore the realm of all of this, we'll get more efficient, but it's nothing to, what's any different from, you know, driving a car to purchasing something on the debit card in, you know, um, in Redfern, you know, Having a cool room at the back of your house with the 60 inch flat screen and air conditioned living room, which is Scott's spot.
A Bunnings hot tub. Yeah.
That's 700 bucks I've ever spent in my life. Sounds like a 14 day isolation job, I think.
Well, we look forward to seeing how the 6, 9, 6, 9 bin Kings goes. Yeah. Gentlemen, this is a brave new world. And maybe on our next book will be an NFT. Yeah, we'll make one copy for the biggest to go in the world. Yeah. And it'll have to give us 10 of those Bitcoins.
Let's take the Batutah to the virtual world. Where our ears are open. Again, thank you for using as clear a language as you could for both us and the listener, but yeah, I think I have a pretty good gauge on this thing now. Uh, maybe time to invest in a six story virtual apartment block in the multiverse. Well, actually one of the other things that we're doing with this Bin Kings project is we're actually building a Bin King sanctuary in Decentraland that will be there for eternity so that you can go visit that sanctuary and hang out with the Bin chickens and the rest of the Bin Kings. Well, thanks for joining us today, fellows. What an interesting and insightful discussion.
Yeah. Awesome boys. Thanks for having us. All right.
I look forward to seeing some of these Bin Kings flying around. |
dropout | An_Explosive_Gender_Reveal_Fail | Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you to all our friends and family who we haven't alienated yet. I know me leaving my wife and getting a 25-year-old pregnant didn't go over super well. Right on. Welcome to our gender reveal party. I know we're all super stoked to find out what kind of junk our baby has. So please welcome my girlfriend, Bridget. Isn't she glowing? Thank you. But today isn't about me. Bryce, upload that and tag me, hashtag Bridget's Baby Spits. Today is about my unborn child. I want my baby to grow up in a new world, one that is like free of expectations, where he or she or they can live their like most truthful truth. With that in mind, please enjoy our gender cakes. We have guns and trucks for the boys and glitter and princesses for the girls. Thank you.
Should we do this thing? What do we think, gang? Yeah. OK, shut up for a second.
I just want to say that like no matter what happens, we will love this baby. Unless it's a boy. Boys are canceled. You'll still help me raise a boy, though, right? I'm going to be more of like a friend mom. So that's like more of a question for the nanny.
All right, cue music. OK, Brycey, what the fuck is going on? I don't know.
This thing costs like $600. It should have the power of a mini cannon. Literally, I am fucking carrying your actual child. So if you could just like put the drama on for one fucking day.
I'm not trying to be dramatic. It's just not. It's so dramatic. I like can't do this.
We have to. Why would you pick right now to do this? Why? Whatever.
I'm sorry. It's like apparently our pregnancy is canceled. And like I guess I'm giving it up for adoption. We're not giving it up for adoption. We just need to give it up.
Better yank. You don't have to do that, OK? This is my fucking day. It's all of our days. Bridget, Bridget, come here. You need to give it actual resistance to go back. It's mine.
Ah!
A butt! A fucking butt!
Oh my god. I'm having a boy? Oh. |
SaturdayNightLive | martin_luther_king_day_jesse_jackson_saturday_night_live | And now, in honor of Martin Luther King Day, weekend Update is proud to present the nation's preeminent African-american leader. it is the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Reverend Jackson. as I look out here tonight, I see the face of America. red and yellow, black and brown, brown and white and black and yellow, all connected with a single common thread. we just want to laugh. don't make us crazy or terrible or low down. we just want to laugh. we don't need a jet ski or a second home. we just want to laugh. we'll go for anything, no, fat jokes, cane jokes, skinny jokes, any joke. we're not greedy. we just need it. we just want to laugh. it gets dark sometimes. Whoa, whoa, Jesse. you know, that's all well and good. But what does that have to do with civil rights? It first have a mathematics. one, one, to laugh, people must agree on something. that's right, yeah. to agree on something, people must first establish common ground. that's right, that's right. And you must agree to laugh. And you must have common ground to agree. it takes two wings to fly. you're still a bird. you must find common ground for you to laugh. Reverend Jackson, can you explain that last part again? Well, who can answer such a speculative question? I want to know that a whole of people are selling that Montgomery water people as men.
Jesse Jackson, what do you want? What do I want? I want to serve our nation. What do I want? I want to raise a moral tone of our nation. What do I want? I want a pitcher, not an underwear stitcher. What do I want?
I want Fred Flintstone in that house. I want Fred's cat at that house. stay outside for the night. I want shoes on Fred and Bonnie. every time they take that big old stone car down the street, throw the courtesy and Fred's two feet. Say it with me, Yabba-dabba-doo. I love you all.
Jesse Jackson, finally, in Us News and World Report's list of the best and worst jobs for 1996 is out. Last year's best job multimedia software consultant was replaced by a new Best Job, Bio-industrial Engineer. And in the worst job category, last year's winner, Crack Whore, has lost its spot. the new worst job is assistant Crack Whore. that's all for now. Thanks, folks. good night. good luck. good night. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_162_Bruce_Hoppo_Hopkins | Good morning, Errol. Good morning to you. Good morning, mate. How you going? Mate, I'm going all right.
We got a few headlines last week after an interview with Grace Tame. Finally got the southern media elite to kind of sit up and take notice on some of the good radio we're doing out here in the Dymantina Shire. And we thought we'd follow it up this week with another Aussie icon.
I guess today's guest is big all over the world, really. He's been on screens in 150 countries for a decade or so. I don't reckon you've been to five countries, Clancy.
No, and as I've been told... You've been over to Perth, though. Yeah, no, I've been told that French Caledonia doesn't even technically count as a country. No. You don't need a passport to go.
And you had your third honeymoon in Tassie, wasn't it? Yeah, and I thought that was... And that was back in the 80s, too. Yeah. So, you know, I haven't done much traveling. Before those Melbourne yuppies ruined it. Yeah, yeah, it was back in the inbred days of Tassie. With all their money. Yeah, we were down there.
But today's guest must have a hard time in airports, I'll tell you that much.
Bruce Hopper Hopkins, thank you for joining us, mate. Thanks, guys, for having me.
You lived down there where you're currently a lifeguard. You've lived down there for about 52 years down there in Bondi, as the old codgers call it. Bondi. And how long have you been a lifeguard? Lifeguard? Well, it'll be 30 years this September, so it's been a long professional career.
Yeah, yeah. Did you start off as a clubby, or did you? Oh, mate, I did start a little bit as a clubby, yeah, early days. And then progressed from there and thought I had a little bit of a talent in the ocean, so I thought I'd, yeah, continue on. Now, for the people who are driving the tractors, a clubby, I think, down there in New South Wales, they do wear the red and gold, and they're a volunteer force, you know, like, you know, like, you've got your army, your navy, you've got Air Force, and then you've got your lifeguards, where the type of lifeguard that you are now, you're basically paid by the council. That's it. Yeah, yeah, we get paid by the council, so it's a full time professional job, and compared, the clubbies come and help out on weekends over the summer period, but yeah, we're pretty much there seven days a week, 365 days a year. Is there a bit of an army reserve thing going on with the clubbies, where they kind of, you know, where they kind of want to march on Anzac Day, too? Yeah, mate, they do. They've got their own, you know, these guys, they've all got their other jobs, come down and do their four hours once a month, and yeah, just want to get down amongst it in the beach. Have you ever had to rescue a clubbie? You know, it's like, oh, I have to say yes to that one. There have been times over the years we've had to rescue some clubbies, so you know, take some, they're learning as well, you know, so like we've all had to do when we were young down there. Yeah, yeah, right.
So you grew up on the beach, would most lifeguards have grown up on the beach, or do you find those guys that just, from a young age, are like, no, that's what I want to be? Growing up in Penrith, growing up in, you know, growing up in the bush, even. Oh, funny story, most of them, you know, grow up around the beaches, because to get that ocean skill, you need to be pretty much around the ocean as a young kid. But we did have a trainee once that came, and he was born and bred Penrith, and wanted to be a lifeguard. He came down, he did the lifeguard traineeship, we had him on for a couple of years, and he was quite unique to start with, but we were able to train him to a certain level. He grew up swimming in the Nepean River between the flags in the Nepean. Yeah, a bit different when they get an eight-foot set on the head in Bondi. But that early skills is something you would see, and you'd be able to, I guess you'd emphasize in your field, because it's lived and learned, the ocean, you know, you've got to learn it from a young age, and you would see in the people you rescue, a lot of people didn't have that at a young age, didn't have that ocean awareness. Yeah, I mean, you're 100% growing up, you get used to it, you get thrown out there in the rips, and you get taken along, and then line up in the surf there, and surf the other ways back to the beach, and you get used to all that as a kid, it's a bit of fun.
But yeah, you definitely see people, especially from the European countries coming over, and obviously Bondi is a big tourist area, and yeah, you see them there, and they've got no idea whatsoever. We usually call it the karate chop, and that's usually around the Asian countries in India and that, they seem to do that karate chop pretty quick, because they can't stand up, so yeah. Yeah, right, they're waving around. The Mediterranean as well, still water, there's no rips down there in bloody Croatia or Greece.
No, I'd say the current would be stronger in the Dnepen than it would be in the Med. Actually, I was just thinking there, there's one example, Penrith Boy went on to be a surfing champion in the shape of Mick Fanning, he's the only example I can think of. Yeah, no, he ended up being a Mormon.
Now, tell us a little bit more about, you know, obviously, when I said before you'd have a hard time in airports, I imagine that's all directly related to Bondi Rescue, a wildly successful Australian television program that has kind of centered around you for quite some time. How did that all change from being an Eastern Suburbs surfer to being on 150 screens around the world? Oh, well, you know, originally when it first started, it was only going to be an hour special, so we didn't think much of it, and we got a whole lot of footage, and then it became a series, and next thing you know, it just took off, and by series three, it was, you know, starting to go around the world, and people were coming to Bondi, and then, you know, they're starting to get the photos, recognise you, and then yeah, going around different states in Australia, and yeah, it was funny, you'd walk through different airports, and people are grabbing you, and you know, you sort of forget that you're actually on TV, and yeah, until people come up and start saying, I want a photo of you. Yeah, big audience, and I guess those neighbours stars get a little bit of that over in England and stuff like that, where they're huge there. I mean, you're huge here as well, but you just realise, when they kind of are in this cold country, looking in at Bondi, they really kind of mythologise your life and everything you get to do, but it's not all zinc and sunshine, is it, in the actual role.
It's like, I mean, we wouldn't see the worst of it. No, I mean, to talk about actually being a lifeguard, it's, you see the fun stuff we do, and we bag each other down there, and we get, you know, a lot of people think that it's just fun and games, you know, but it's also the, there's a serious side, there's the side of, you know, doing resuscitations, and that can be quite heavy, and the biggest one, though, is the body retrievals, obviously, down at Bondi, we cover the Gap as well, you know, a lot of suicides that people don't know off the Gap there. That doesn't make TV, no. No, that doesn't get on TV all the time, no, it doesn't even get put in the media, really, that often, yeah. You're first on call with, down there, Vaucluse and Dover Heights, right? Yeah, so we head up on the jet ski, which, right, you know, a few minutes away from, by jet ski, and the police boat up in the harbour, the police rescue there, that's probably a 30 minute boat ride, so, we're the quickest point to try and hold onto the body before it disappears, or, or, or things happen. Geez. See, with that, what do you say to the young kids coming through who think it is going to be all kind of, you know, Bondi Beach Road Hotel, and bloody, you know, nightclubs, and, and, you know, dolphin training.
Hanging out with Paris Hilton. Brazilian birds. They're just going to hang with Paris Hilton, and all the celebs that come down, and pick up chicks on the beach and go to the Bondi Hotel, you know.
But, yeah, no, we explain to them that there's that side of the job, but there's also the, the part where it gets quite serious, and, you know, you'll get body retrieval. We tell everyone that comes on that if you're around for a fair few years, you're going to definitely get a body retrieval, and that's something you've got to do. But we've got things in place now where we're training the guys, you know, we all train physically to do a rescue, but now we train mentally, and before we actually get it. So we're prepared mentally when we're going to grab something like that. So is that essentially what your role would be as a head lifeguard? To really do more of, you know, the overreaching training, you know, where like, obviously everyone who's a lifeguard at Bondi knows how to head out in a surf and rescue person, so it was kind of like your role now is to be kind of a mentor to these young people coming up. Yeah, it's a lot of a mentoring role now, and 30 years of experience, and I've dealt with so many things down there, so it's now taking on the, you know, the young guys, and not only showing them how to work along the beach, and moving, you know, the flags along for swimming, and how to go rescue people, it's, you know, also having that mental side of thing as well, and dealing with the tragic stuff we deal with.
30 years down there. Tell us about some of the leathermen that were running the show when you got down there. I mean, I'm guessing these kind of mental health programs weren't in place. What were the old, original kind of blokes that you met down there like? Oh mate, the old days, because I started in 91, so the 90s is probably, it sort of changed after the Olympics, you know, every workplace sort of changed a bit, but the 90s was a... The yuppies came down the hill. Yeah, it was amazing, you know, Bondi was wild in the 90s. I mean, you had a lot of people coming down from the western suburbs, and they'd be in their revved up cars, and they'd come on the beach, and they'd be in big gangs trying to cause fights, and I remember the police coming down, and then it'd be on, you know, they'd just pull the batons out, and they'd be out on each other there, and that, and then also I mean, with the suicides, we still used to go and deal with that, but you'd get them, and I remember my first one, I just had to have an old blanket, you know, and we just wrapped that around them, and they made me get in the water and I had to wrap it around, and they pulled it back up into the boat, and you know, you walk away and there's just a pat on the back, and if you had any sort of, you know, oh geez, that was a bit heavy, and they'd say, toughen up some, you know.
I'll tell you what you need mate, you need a fucking beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of stoicism, you say.
A lot of blokes not talking about how confronting that was. Yeah, no one spoke about it.
The funny thing is, like, you used to call it the meat wagon, and these guys used to turn up like in a Mr. Whippy van, and they'd come out with the big white coats on, you know, and they'd run across with the stretcher, and the body would go on, because in those days we used to have to bring it out of the water and put it into the first aid room, and the body would just wait there until someone came and picked it up, but these days we're not allowed to bring them back to the beach, we'd just stay out in the water and the police boat comes and takes them, but yeah, back then they'd run in. So you'd walk, you'd walk the dead body up a packed Bondi beach, covered in a blanket. You'd have it in a blanket, on a stretcher, and you'd be walking this thing up the, up into the first aid room, who we watching and looking at it, it was quite insane.
And I remember though, when we went out for rescues, and you muck around a rescue board, and a few of the older guys there were as tough as, and they said, never ever let go of the rescue board, we don't care how big it is, you go over the falls, you hang on to it, you lose your rescue board, and we'll see what happens. And I remember a couple of times, you know, you go, I'm not hanging on to that, I don't want to kill myself. Anyway, you walk back up, they grab you in the back room, they give you a couple of punches, and they said, never do that again, and I'll tell you what, you never did that again.
Right, right, so it was a bit of like, rubber hose in the bleep. So there was initiation, and there were hidings and stuff, is that what you're saying? Oh, there was a lot of stuff back in the 90s that you know, obviously you wouldn't get away with these days, you know, you probably wouldn't be employed. In the 80s and 90s, you know, we had the same thing in journalism, really, you know, like, instead of doing stuff like that, like, the boss would come over and say, alright, Parker, you're coming to lunch with me, and out you go, and you'd have two bottles of wine each, and nothing to eat, and then you'd have to go back to the office, and they'd test you, you know, they'd be like, alright, final story, back to work, you're just like. Well, there was plenty of pranks back in those early days, you know, like, you'd be coming in, and there'd be a little baby shark, stuck in someone's locker, and prawns put in people's cars in the air con, so, you know, they'd stink it out, and on a 30 degree day, you'd get in to go home, and just be stinking. Imagine that.
Just ruin your car. Just ruining someone's car, just for the fun of it.
What was the nightlife like down there, at that point? Like, that's one thing everyone kind of mythologises. Were you working down there when they had that 150,000 person music festival on the beach? No, I remember it, it was just before me, that was late 80s, I think, but just before the 90s, and that was just, I think they only expected to get 100 people, and there was thousands turned up, and there was this massive concert. Rise tattoo in excess, yeah. So, yeah, that was an amazing time, but I mean, Bondi Hotel used to be massive as well, the old icebergs, before they rebuilt it, the Sunday sessions there were unbelievable. The old diggers used to have three levels, 70s, 80s, and 90s music, so it was different eras on different levels, and, yeah, I mean, the White Revolver, that was there as well, we used to have to get the code, and then type the code in, and the door would slide open.
Really? Yeah, so, if you didn't know the code on that night, you couldn't get in. Really?
So, yeah, all those days are gone. Or mobiles, either, as well, you'd have to meet someone with the code out. That's right, you'd have to get the code, no mobiles, no photos, those were great days. Great days.
So, you are an eastern suburbs kid, born and bred in, and then, you know, of that last kind of lot, really, that kind of grew up there in, I guess, middle class, working class, Bondi Bronte, and the demographics have changed a lot down there. What's it like now, do you find that the kids aren't as invested in the beach, or as respectful as the beach, if they're kind of grown up, you know, the son of an architect growing up there in a six bedroom house in Bronte probably doesn't have the same skills you had growing up, left alone in nippers and that lot. Yeah, no, it's totally different now. The kids are still coming down the beach, but what I've found though, of course it's got so expensive around the area, a lot of people have moved to the area, I mean, I remember when you got surf boards you'd hold on to that like gold, you know, you'd surf with it, you'd take it home. Kids now just, they go home, leave their wetsuits, leave their boards down the beach, and, oh, mum and dad will buy me another one tomorrow, you know, it's like totally different now than it was back in the day. It's not working class anymore down there. Leave your board at the beach? That's a sign of disposable income, that's a sign of bad parenting. I mean, like, you heard that yarn about what happened to Kerry Packard when he was a boy, you know, how he used to live down here, Bondi, down there.
When he was a kid, he was at school in Melbourne, he left a tennis racket at school in Melbourne and he got back to Sydney and his old man told him to go back and get it. On the Greyhound. Yeah, he was like, I've already bought you a fucking tennis racket, you can go back and get it. On the Greyhound bus, you wouldn't leave it back there again, that's for sure.
So, you've got the, I guess, the Lifeguard Games as well, what are they called? The Australian Surf Life Saving Titles. Oh yeah, for the clubbies and that, yeah, we did those. I've always done a lot of racing over the years, ocean racing with the clubby side of things and it's always been a bit of fun to keep fit and it's good fun going away and racing and I've always been very competitive as well, so that's probably what's helped too with getting older and being down there with the young blokes as lifeguards.
Keeps you fit. Yeah, it keeps you fit and I hate getting beaten by them, so yeah. And I use the thing now, of course I'm in my 50s now, I said if any of you blokes don't beat me, that's the end of your job. Yeah, if you can't beat me and a hangover isn't an excuse anymore.
Tell us, you've mentioned it before about the mental health aspect of what you do and how that's now thankfully emphasised and something that you view as important. You're doing a podcast where you kind of merge those kind of themes of surf, life saving and mental health. Life's a beach and you're kind of discussing those kind of themes. Have you found people are really appreciative of this conversation in the world you're in? Oh 100%. I've even been surprising really with the podcast and I've got a different range of people coming in and they've got their stories but they've always got a connection to the beach but they've also then got a connection to mental health or something's happened in their life where everyone has the down out life's a beach, life's also a beach.
It's been bringing a lot of stuff out in people and they've been saying stuff that they haven't mentioned to anyone before and the feedback from people listening relates to them. With the young fellas now coming through, are you finding that's helping them, these conversations in their actual work as well, in the physical aspect and the day to day aspect as well, knowing that they can have this conversation with you and not get told to shut up and have a few beers. Well I can't fight so I'm not going to punch them. No it definitely is helping, it's definitely helping that generation coming through compared to my day when no one really spoke about it I think and everyone, even if you had problems you just shut up about it and try to deal with it. But yeah it's opening up people are coming out, we had a young guy Tommy that was, we didn't know he was gay when he first came to the job and he was quite open about it and I think which was great and he was just accepted like any other person but if that had happened in the 90's I reckon he would have really been isolated and probably not even enough where he just got pushed out of the job so it is great everyone's opening up now and talking about no matter what it is, whether it's mental health or personal life or anything that's going wrong it's great that they're getting out and speaking about it.
Tell us, where's the wildest surf you've seen in Australia? I mean you've been around Like there's some heavy shit over in WA, like over at Cyclops, I reckon that's the heaviest I've seen in my life. Yeah that's pretty heavy. Where people are swimming, with the flags? What would you say is the wildest kind of tourist beach? I think the times up on the Gold Coast can get quite heavy, especially the cyclones that can get quite mad and dangerous and everything I mean Bondi, we cop a fair bit from the south when those big lows come around from Bass Strait East Coast lows can get quite dangerous as well so yeah I mean probably the biggest I've ever seen would be when I was a young kid down at Bronte, it was probably 1974 and the surf was so big, they used to have at the top of the pool there at Bronte used to be like sheds there with like the splashes the winter swimming group used to have fridges and everything in there.
Anyway by the end of the surf, the fridge was up at the back of the gully of Bronte you know so one hell of a storm and one hell of a surf. Blew up in the sheds. With the three blue ducks up in the gully you know.
Now it's funny with surf in Australia because it can change a town if there is surf there. Obviously you've got some weird weird towns heading up central Queensland way where there's you know you're living on the water and there's no surf because of the reef and then you get this one little snippet, the furthest north you can get a wave is probably 1770 for about, even then you'd be pushing it for about 20km stretch of the beach you get a few waves in there. I reckon that the last place you'd probably get them is probably on the east coast of Praiser Island Yeah before the reef takes over. Yeah just up there past what is that Knutson? Yeah just north of there before the reef starts. But it is different between a beach town with waves and just a coastal town. Yeah you know like there's lovely ones here in New South Wales but then you know all the coastal towns up in Queensland up here you know it's either mining or gas or fishing. Fishing yeah fishing towns compared to swimming towns. Or tourism I'd say. But you find it's better for the kids if there are waves.
It keeps them busy. Yeah it keeps them busy.
Some of those fucking Rocky can use a few waves, Bundaberg can use a few waves. All the kids up there have got new Hiluxes. I suppose down there in Bondi they've got new beamers. Yeah they just drop around in beamers.
But it's yeah when we get that flat period you know over, sometimes over Christmas you can get 2-3 weeks of no surf and the kids go nuts and they try and find other things to do and they harass people and do different pranks on different things at the beach. And then they hit the drink as well so they thought oh we'll just get on the drink there's no surf. So yeah surf does help.
How much of your job would you be dealing with Riff Raff? Yeah we get a lot of that. We get a lot of Riff Raff we've got to deal with daily you know whether it's older people whether it's young kids you know we've just got to try and keep them in control.
But I found the, we do okay with it but a little bit different these days. The respect's not there as much as what it was you know with kids coming through so they'll give it back as much as you give them. Yeah well I suppose the kids there would probably you know be more inclined to listen to you than say you know a cop on the beach in his combat boots. Yeah that's right we've got a little bit of respect there to try and angle our way through because the other thing I suppose we're around there all the time and they've got to deal with us and also outside of work we're still living in the area so a lot of the cops that come down you know they're not necessarily living in the area so they don't seem as much and get numb. Not local lads yeah. Whereas the cops back in the day you know you knew them because they lived in the area as well as worked in the area so it's a little bit different.
Coach Footy you know lived on the corner drank at the pub. Drank at the pub yeah they were just always around.
Yeah what do you think, one question I want to ask is what's the most ludicrous thing you've seen someone do which has then resulted in you having to save them? You know have you seen someone go skinny dipping in like you know or just something.
Yeah yeah there was years ago early when the best time was you start at six and you go and set the beach up and you know it might be a Saturday morning or a Sunday morning the Irish and that have been out in the drink the night before and they think it's a great idea to come down and and have sex on the beach you know that mornings here and then they decide to get up and you know probably give themselves a bit of a wash off and in they go for a swim and then next thing you know they're in a rip in the nude. I mean how embarrassing for all of them but I guess you've had the Irish down there for decades now right? Yeah they're always around down there and the English they love a drink and going all night and turn up the beach and you know everyone loves coming down for the sunrise as well so there's always people there first thing in the morning. What do you find now with the I guess Byron's going through the same thing with the Brazilians who might actually know a bit more about the ocean I guess but I've heard there are.
More than the Irish. Certainly more than the Irish.
But the Brazilians are kind of in the surfers as well and they're not as well versed on Australian surf etiquette. You hear stories all the time of a few blow ups in the surf especially with some of the more seasoned Maroubra surfers. Yeah well I mean obviously the pro tour these days a lot of Brazilians on it so surfing's really gone wild in Brazil and they're all coming out here and yeah we've had that problem across the beaches and Maroubra's one of them where the Brazilians are yeah they don't really have the surf etiquette like we do here so they like dropping in and just taking control of the beaches.
Dropping in on a couple of bra boys. Yeah that's not the best thing to do it doesn't go down too well. And then they expect to go to the same pub at night and get belted again. And everyone knows jiu-jitsu.
So with that kind of surf etiquette you see it a lot and it's in all the docos of course it's not just strictly Australian but Australians are hot headed in the surf. Have you had to get out there and break up fights? Oh yeah there's plenty of times you've had to paddle out because they've got hold of one person and they're trying to hold them under and you know there's a lot of that used to go on. This is an unconscious person in the water. Nah give me a go. Well you've got to get to them before as quick as you can because otherwise the next thing is I'm the one that's going to have to revive them back on the beach so if I can stop that before that it's a good thing but yeah nah that used to happen a fair bit there's a lot of you know local dominance for board riders through Bondi, Brony and obviously through Maroubra but that sort of seems to be dying out now there's not as much I mean you still get people yelling at each other and screaming as they've dropped in but there's probably a triple amount of board riders out there now but it's not as localised as what it used to be. Yeah but what would be like say the etiquette you know like if the surf was pumping at south end of Bondi and you know and the boys from Bronte or Maroubra wanted to come up and have a surf like would they just call you up and be like oh do you mind if we come up too? Or would they just turn up and you'd have to you know? Nah just turn up and paddle out there and then it's just line up and whoever yeah it's sort of the funny thing though the etiquette even though there's you know you line up and there's supposed to be systems on you know so you don't drop in and everything but it sort of ends up back to where the the best surfer tends to get the the waves you know so they used to sit out there and use that they get the better waves. We're not letting some accountant who's lived here for six months get this wave we've got a leatherman who's been here 40 years and we know he's going to surf it right. Yeah that's right they work that all gets worked out pretty quick on on how you paddle and surf and line up you just whatever you do just don't go over the falls your first wave because you'll never get another wave. We're not wasting this wave on a guy called Damien from Balmain. Who has a two thousand dollar longboard and just goes off the front. Breaks in half he might come back in six months or so. That reminds me there was that one episode the fucking years ago where there was a guy who was just like that and it was heaving out at Bondi and he was down at the south end and a couple of you guys were like oh mate the beach is closed mate and he goes oh no fuck you mate you know like and he comes out and as he was heading out you know like the camera goes out and then he goes he is going out and it zooms back and two of the lifeguards have their shirts off like and they're just like here we go and bang and they're just like fuck you can spot them for a mile. The nightmare for people who don't know much about the surf is getting caught in a rip and ending up a couple of k's out.
Have you seen that? How far have you had to go out to rescue someone? Who was alive? I'll remind you.
Someone who was sitting with the sharks in complete fear. I mean funny enough the majority of rips though all our rescues are about 20 metres from the shore 30 metres from the shore so most rips will just pull across onto the sand bank or where the waves are so where the surfers are lining up generally the rip will pull out you line up and catch the next wave in you know because it's got that right and left hander so majority are not out past the break but sometimes if they do get out a bit far it's usually the ones on the one day we had like on one of the Australia days they thought it was a good idea to have blow up thongs and hand them out you know the blow up thongs and it happened to be a bit of an offshore wind as well that day and suddenly all these thongs are starting to blow out the sea and all these people on it you know so they're probably the worst case scenarios to get pushed right out. And you've got a little floating toy to hold onto. Yeah that's right there you go and then yeah once you get too far out you've got the sharks coming up and down the coast so they don't mind that. No just before we go Hopper probably you know what should you do if you find yourself in a rip tide you know and you're paddling your heart out you know and you're not getting any closer to the beach I think you know I think most Australians who've been to the beach have had that experience so what should they do? The best thing we've found over the years is float so if you float go with the flow of the water generally it'll bring you to a point where you can get washed back in or you stand up in the sand bank and that's something we've been trying to teach people now so it really it's been working well and even our programs we put in believe it or not in Thailand that they're now holding onto two litre empty coke bottles and lying on the just hanging there lying on their back to learn to float and then from that they've reduced drowning by 50% so they reckon floating is the best way so just don't struggle just lie on your back and float stay calm float and either someone will be around to pick you up or the ocean will bring you to a point where you can get back in so there could be like a couple blokes out the back who are like do you need a hand mate? yeah mate that'd be great usually the service out the back lane do they have a girl on the back in a bikini some sunburned Englishman don't worry about it call some OK you're fucking Aussie thanks for joining us today Hoppo it's good to know that the beach is in safe hands down there with you and the young fellas are as well and if you are interested in Hoppo's podcast Life's a Beach he's got a heap of runs on the board now some great guests so you can find that wherever you find all good podcasts yeah thank you for joining us mate thanks for having me in here it's been fantastic we'll see you down at the beach we'll see you down there grand final weekend |
dropout | what_you_wish_would_happen_on_the_walking_dead | Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo! Let Hershel go! It's too late for him, Rick! And what the? You've lost your way. Let me help you find it. I knew you weren't totally heartless. Oh snap, that was sick! Duh-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! Glenn! Michonne's drunk and revealing her entire backstory! No more guessing?
My story begins on June 3rd. June 3rd, 1721.
Wow. Already as cool as I imagined. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Wow.
I'd stand back if I were you. Daryl! I'd give him a crossbow, a little upgrade.
But how? My brother, who in fact survived, found a pile of scrap metal out back, the same one he used to rebuild his hand.
Wearing nothing. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Junit needs diapers. We'll have to make more boring supply runs. A lot more.
Wait, this nice couple has agreed to raise Judith. Hey, Ari, how you doing?
Carl, don't you leave my sight. I won't, ha-ha. What's wrong, Carl?
Puberty. Accelerated. All right, all right, all right. You can stop worrying about me, Daddy-O. I'm self-reliant now. Also, super hot.
I know I heard something in here. Check under the bed. You got it. What the? Thank you, Herschel.
I thought for sure I was a dead man. All you need is faith, Rick. And I should know, after all, I'm a man of faith.
Now, let's kill some walkers. Oh, hi. If you like the video, click me to subscribe.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to trying to sound this word out. No, no. |
cracked | least_effective_drug_intervention_ever | Eatin' lunch, huh? Yup. I are eating sandwich.
All alone? Well, if you count my balls, there's like... Anyway, you can figure out the rest. What is wrong with you? All the pressure finally gotten to ya? We fall somewhere between party clowns and car accidents on the spectrum of things that people view as entertainment, so...
No, not really. It's a brutal, thankless bitch of a job. But by God, someone's gotta do it. That's why I gave up the gavel. You know? I wanted to do some real good. Fight the scum and the pushers and the thugs and their own element. And then I got this job, which is way easier. Michael, what are you doing?
Oh, it's okay. I don't have diabetes. It's H-E-R-O-N.
Do you think you're spelling heroin? Damn! Why do you think I spelled it?
Anyone could hear you. Michael, everybody in this office can spell. Except you, which...
I mean, this plan was just doomed from the start.
I don't know where... But, uh, Michael, the heroin is sort of what I came here to talk to you about today. Oh, you want some? Dude, I can totally hook you up.
My guy, Crazy Rowell, just got released. Well, not released, but he's out.
I don't want some. You sure? You know what they say. I hit a day. I'm gonna stop you right there. There's no way I finished it. Yeah, right. Okay.
Heroin, Michael. I mean, you can't even spell it. And you're shooting it into your body? Can't spell Windex.
That doesn't stop me. And you don't think there's anything wrong with that picture? Not a picture, Dan.
It's a needle. A needle full of heroin. And here I go. Nope. Oh, heroin foul. It's cool. I injected some into this apple. Michael, this... this is an intervention. Well, my train pulls into H-town in like three minutes, so I'd make it quick. I thought heroin was instantaneous. Now we can cut it with Windex. Blue gold. Texas window cleaner.
Three minutes.
Okay. To skip the intro, we can skip the song. This part compares shooting heroin to chugging Windex, which obviously isn't a problem. Okay.
Oh, we all care about you very much. Uh, I asked the rest of the office to be here, but I guess they were busy. Wow. Kind of makes me want to do more heroin.
Let me just skip right to the PowerPoint. Dan, I already saw your PowerPoint, and I s*** in it. I s*** right in it. You can't... It's not like a box that you... Great. Now I have to find out what you did s*** in it. My PowerPoint is shut up. Come on. I want to show you something. Michael, this isn't another inside-out animal, is it? No.
Although I still maintain that, it would have made a great web series. People love kittens, Dan.
Daniel, this is an intervention. Oh, my God. That is good heroin. An intervention for what?
The CDs, Dan. Oh, that's right. Hot chick always shoots Dan down the CDs.
I don't know what you're talking about. Recognize this, Daniel? I found it in your desk while I was stealing stuff to trade for heroin. You should be ashamed of yourself. You've got a real problem, Dan.
No, I don't. They're good compilations.
Fall out, boy. Dan. Panic. At the disco.
Okay.
They represent a wide range of popular... They may not be as edgy as... They formed the Zeitgeist.
He's on heroin.
Hey, don't change the subject. I'm sick of watching you throw your life away, jamming along to Kidz Bop and Buzz Ballads, whatever their street names they got these days. They're not street names. They're name names.
Oh, I bet, Dan. You're bopping right now, aren't you? You're bopped out of your f***ing mind. Are you, Dan? Are you buzzing? Are you ballads? Tell me!
You guys ditched my intervention for this? We had cake. Hold me, Dan. No. You're my best friend.
We're not.
Jesus, man. It's all gone wrong. It's all wrong.
Seriously, though, he shouldn't stop doing heroin, right? Are you kidding? He's always like this. Yeah. If anything, the heroin will hold him out.
Cake's gone.
Hey, can you play this weekend? So nothing happens then? Is that what's going on here? Everything just stays the same?
I s*** myself. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_drunk_uncle_on_the_holidays_snl | Well, the holiday season is upon us once again, and that means spending time with family here with his advice on how to manage the holidays. Please welcome Drunk Uncle. Yeah. they said it is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Fever. Okay. So, John Gunkeler, are you excited for the holidays? The holidays are not what they used to be, Seth. you know? when I was a kid, you know, Christmas meant something. you know, people got dressed up. Do you know, they would travel six hours in a car. nowadays, it's just, hey, could you email me dinner? hey, could you fax me a hug? Okay, well, do you have any advice on how to deal with family?
I found out that my niece is getting gay married. You know what I'm going to get her for a wedding present? the boyfriend.
Drunk Uncle, can we please just talk about the holidays? Occupy Lane Street? I mean, you know, kids, they need to pull up their pants, Seth. kids today, kids today, they're always saying, tax me, tax me, tax me. don't you write a letter, you dummy? a letter to who? you can't even say Merry Christmas anymore. you got to say, hey, baby Jesus, do you want to do pilates? or are you on a cleanse? You know what I like about Christmas, though. that sexy green M&m lady.
I would've hit that. Come on, you thought about it. No, I really haven't. you thought about it. every kiss begins with K. put that on your ipad and smoke it. Can't believe I'm saying this, drunk Uncle. I think you might be too drunk.
So I didn't make the big catch. Okay? I wasn't prom queen, okay? So I wasn't sports king, Okay? so I'm not muscle man, Okay? whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. that's not me. I'm sorry.
What's your point? how high do you think I could jump 7? Immigrants. Beth, Beth, if I was Dr. Conrad Murray, I would rent a boat. You know what I'm gonna say.
I don't. hey. hey. hey. guess who's back. Guess who's back. Who's back?
It's your back. it stinks. your back. that stinks. So in conclusion, you're all robots. drunk uncle, everyone. it's your bed. Now, it's my bed. we're gonna get it. Jay Brown, everybody. |
TheOnion | New_Ad_Urges_Hipsters_To_Go_To_Applebee_s_Ironically | I'm here with our trends expert, Carol Logan, and we're talking about a really interesting new ad campaign from Applebee's, which is encouraging customers to visit the restaurant ironically. Good morning, Carol. Hi. Good to see you again. Tell me about this ad campaign.
It seems very cutting edge. Well, it is. That's exactly it.
They're designed to attract young people to Applebee's by inviting them to ridicule its food service and atmosphere. Here, take a look. What do you guys want to do? We could go to Applebee's. No, let's seriously go to Applebee's.
Okay. Look, guys. It's grilled.
It's just like my neighborhood restaurant, only completely geographically non-specific. Yeah, nothing like a wild time at Applebee's, right? Applebee's. Wouldn't it be funny to go to Applebee's?
I like it. Isn't that persuasive? Yeah. But, you know, they're not resting on their laurels.
They're adding new menu items designed to be ridiculed outright, like the fajita cordon bleu and the chicken strip explosion. Those sound ridiculous. I know. But, you know, so far this has been so successful that Applebee's is actually prepping a second series of ads aimed at customers who enjoy making fun of annoying young people who do things ironically. Wow. Oh, my God. Let me make fun of your business model for my condescending amusement. Yes, I know who the latest fans are, so I'm too cool to just eat a cheeseburger without making fun of it.
Thank you. All right. Well, Carol, thanks so much for being here, and not a lot of people know this, but Carol's my next door neighbor. That's how I got the job. Yes, it is. |
cracked | did_you_know_that_david_letterman_auditioned_for_airplane | Did you know that David Letterman auditioned for Airplane? Yes, Airplane, regarded as one of the greatest comedy movies of all time, almost had the comedy stylings of Letterman. But he really, really didn't want to audition. His agent made him. In the new book Surely You Can't Be Serious, The True Story of Airplane, David Letterman talks about his truly, truly awful screen test. He was up for the role of Ted Stryger, which of course ended up going to Robert Hayes. Letterman writes of his horrible audition, We did the scene once, and then they came in and gave me some notes, and then we did it maybe two more times, and I kept saying all along, I can't act, I can't act, I can't act. And then one of them came up to me after the audition and said, You're right, you can't act. It was all so good natured that I just laughed my way back to the car. There were no hard feelings, and they ended up leaving as friends. In fact, they became such good friends that Airplane director Jerry Zucker played Letterman's screen test on his own show in front of a live audience as a prank. Ted, you got a telegram this morning from headquarters. |
dropout | hardly_working_silence_of_the_sams | Hey Pat, have you seen Sam? I think he has my pencil.
You know what you look like to me with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well-dressed hustling rube with a little taste. And that accent you're trying so desperately to hide is pure West Virginia.
What does your dad do, dear? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the land?
You know how quickly the boys found you all that awkward sticky hustling in the back seat of cars? Well you could only dream of getting out, getting anywhere, getting all the way to the F-P-R. Yup.
I'm sorry, this is so embarrassing. I was not listening. At all. Can you just start over? Are you serious? My mind, I saw, but my mind was...
Wait, okay. Um, buh buh buh buh. You are a rube? A rube. Can we just pause? What's a rube? Exactly. I don't know. It's a rube. Okay. Quid pro quo, Clarice.
A father, grandfather, and son.
Oh, I ruined it.
Closer please. Little too close. Step back. Split the difference.
Did you just have my pencil? Because I came over here for... Is dinosaurs still on? I'm the baby. Gotta love me.
Two weeks ago was movie night. They showed us the first half of When Harry Met Sally, but not the second.
Tell me, does she get what she's having? I'm gonna go, so... Nobody's visited me in three years. Alright. I've just been watching reruns of Bewitched. Did you know they switched Darrins? Okay. You're going to have to leave.
I'm having an old friend over for tea. I mean, I'm going to eat him. Peanut butter on toast. Yummers. |
SaturdayNightLive | little_focker_film_fan_snl | Well, that's a wrap for the day. nice work everyone. Little Fockers is going to be great.
Hey James. hey Denise, how you doing? Look, remember when I told you about my 13 year old nephew Keith? Oh yeah, yeah, he's a big fan, right? He loved Meet the Parents, he loved Meet the Fockers, he's obsessed. would it be okay if I showed him around? Yeah, of course. yeah, where is he? Oh. oh. he's a little shy. come on. hey, it's okay Buddy, come on out. it's okay! yeah? it's okay. it's okay. Sweetie, come on.
Wow! This is where they're making Little Fockers! Yeah, that's right, kiddo. hey, check it out. this right here, this is the camera. What? the real one? Yeah, yeah, go ahead, look through it. look through the. wow! pretty cool, huh? Wow! Hey Charles, this is Charles right here. Charles runs Craft Services for us. he's in charge of all the food on the set. really? on the real Fockers set? Yeah, that's right. Here, help yourself. do some candy, little man. What? No way! Wow!
Ah, here we have a special visitor on the set. Honey, honey, you're really locked out. look who's here. it's Robert De Niro. hey kid. hello. Hi here. here, you're a big Fockers fan.
Yeah, I am. well, you don't seem. what? I don't seem what? nothing. forget it.
Okay. hey everyone, I've got tomorrow's schedule. What? the real one? yeah, you want a coffee? to keep? yeah. it's okay? yeah, honey. okay, keep, calm down sweetie. I'm sorry, he's just really into movies and movie culture. Oh, is that so? Yes, it is.
Oh, and honey, look, it's Pat. he takes care of all the makeup. What? all of it? Actually, I just take it off. but still! come on, you're impressed by Pat? hey, this whole job is to make me look good. Well, where was he when you made analyze that?
I'm so sorry, Mr. De Niro. he's a huge movie fan. he's just not really interested in actors. hey! who's this? I love your movies! Thanks, man. Okay, okay. because of all your kids movies. which one's your favorite?
Permanent Midnight. Now that's how you do drama. Well, we should go. Wait, wait, don't leave.
I'll do some lines from the movie for you. I'll even do some of Ben's lines.
Come on, dude. come on, give me a chance. Bob, let it go, man. seriously, let it go. Sweetie, let's take a picture with everyone! it's okay!
Wow! Cheers! Bye! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Robbie_Katter_MP_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_130 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show, recording live here in downtown Batutah, Queensland election looms, it's probably coming in about a week or two before the American election and of course in this part of the world this is the election everyone's talking about, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and of course Errol Parker editor at large, how are you Errol?
And today's guest is our local member. Local member, state member, our local state member. We've got half the town. So you've got, the line runs through Darroos Street, we've got Lachlan Miller on one side and we've got Robbie Katter, the 4th, the member for Mount Isa, formerly Mount Isa, you know it's obviously our local member for half the town. So thank you for joining us today Robbie, how are you?
Yeah I'm well thanks, I'm glad I'm not down there stuck in the hustle and bustle of the traffic, Batutah, sleepy Mount Isa, Charley's Trousers I should say. Charley's Trousers.
Now first things first mate, how's Daisy and the bub? You've welcomed a little one into the world just prior to the pandemic. Yeah well we're still together, everyone's still asked how I did it, but you know, it stands for itself mate, going well mate, love Mount Isa, she's very happy. And second of all mate, how did Bob enjoy his two weeks quarantine after coming home from Canberra? The hot spot of Canberra City. We had to buy a lot of your koala mattresses and put them all around the walls of the house, because we were bouncing off the walls, actually yeah everyone was just, in the family just couldn't believe we were locking him in the house for two weeks by himself, and he was, I think we found him in fetal position sucking his son when we opened the door. Yeah it sounds like Bob.
How many phone calls did you get a day you reckon? How many did I block or did I get? Now you are a, what would you say, arguably fourth generation politician.
Yeah it's a pretty sad indictment on the family. I guess they call them the downers of the North West. Yeah, the Bairns, the Bairns of the Gulf.
Robbie, the funny thing about the cat is that you all at some point had a real job, unlike a lot of those dynasties we see in the LNP or in the Labour Party. What were you up to prior to following your old man into politics? Give us a little bit of a rundown of the things you did. Your old man likes to say that you were basically the first incarnation of Jonathan Thurston for the North Queensland Cowboys. I know you did play a bit of rugby league football, but you had a bit more to do career wise before entering politics like your old man. Yeah I think Dad must have enjoyed trying to live his life through me and rugby league because he just has his signature. I was a lot better than I was, I'm just surprised I got me beaten up a lot more often.
I was pretty easy going and I did the same, I think my mum and dad suggested, why don't you become a property valuer when they're trying to sell a cattle station? Then when I was in grade 11 or 12 and I said, well, that sounds right, and I did that for 15 years. I worked in the mines for a couple of years actually, and worked at the mines here and then just became a property valuer. And then you meet heaps of people when you're a property valuer, and then I bought a business at Man Iser. I worked for these big companies and then bought a little business in Man Iser. Someone said to me, you know, it's better to lead your own pony than someone else's thoroughbred. Yeah, that's true. I bought my own little business and I did that for seven or eight years I think. And it was, it was a good little cash cow business in Man Iser.
So basically it was a property valuer, you were on the campaign trail years before you even put your hat in the ring. It was awesome. And I swear I just had, the last thing I wanted to do was politics because, you know, bloody hell, life of conflict and pretty easy going. When I look back and you were going through five or ten houses a day meeting people and thankfully for me it was through the rising property market so it was usually given people good news that the value of the house had gone up. I told them ten years later and I would have said it would have destroyed my believing prayer. Now where would you, you're now the president of the Kata Party. As your old man in his performative nature, he would have made a great thespian, he could have made a great performer, your old man, but he obviously held a press conference where he decided to literally hand you a pair of reins and you are now in control.
What would you say, particularly this is a big question that I think a lot of people would like answered, heading into an election where the LNP kind of look like they're having a lot of their own troubles. They're obviously probably not going to be able to secure a lot of the vote that they would usually have locked in because of this COVID-19 pandemic.
That's all speculation from where we're looking at things but obviously you provide an alternative, the KAP outside of the two major parties and always have done. Where would you say the KAP in 2020 sits on the political spectrum and is that even a spectrum that would apply to your party? That's a bloody good question and probably the best response you just gave is I think everyone goes left and right and they're such antiquated terms and they're really, I think they're pretty silly terms to use in modern politics because it's that malleable, like people's positions on things. On some of the economic issues, we're called agrarian socialists, so it's a bit left on that. They want family farms, not big corporate farms and institutional stuff and we believe in small private enterprise, which then makes you sort of anti-capitalist because then suddenly you're against big business coming in and taking over things. And then on the environmental issues and cultural issues, we're super right of Stalin. You know, always seem to be at least. It's a bit difficult to sort of explain it, but I guess where we sit, but I think if you just go back to the old country party values, which takes a bit of old labour and old national party, that's probably the best way to describe it, I think.
Robby, how did Charters Towers handle their sole case of the coronavirus up there? As we all know, the policy born out of the importance of the south-east corner in our state, how has this policy to lock down the state impacted your area up there? I was really disappointed because I was all charged up in Mount Isaiah to throw flaming toilet rolls down the street and start embracing the chaos. Most people would try to draw us in on that debate, you know, open the borders and you go to the pub up at Forsyth or Birktown and they're saying like, what coronavirus?
Keep the bars together, as far as we're concerned, keep the bloody Victorians and yourself welcome out. We're enjoying a bit of time to ourselves. So it was a funny place for us and we felt pretty special, as you'd understand, it was the one time you felt we had such a big advantage over the city.
What is the feeling in your division, your electorate? What is the feeling? Because, you know, if you read the newspapers, The Courier-Mail coming out of the right-wing heartland of Murarrie in Brisbane, they're saying that everyone in Australia, the bush, everyone's feeling let down by the Premier with the border closures.
You've got obviously Diane Freckleton saying not much. Diane Freckleham, as we called her, Deb Freckleton. Not many people even know her name. She's not saying much.
But then obviously Morrison's applying the pressure on the Premier. What is the feeling? People just think this is a hollow debate. No one even cares.
In fact, do you reckon the Premier might have the support of your constituents on this issue? She's definitely tested those thresholds of support over the last few years. On this issue, on this issue.
Yeah, it's probably just ambivalence most of it. We get to sit in our high horse a lot of the time in the country areas and laugh at the silly city folk going crazy. Because I think there's a fair bit of empathy for the impact on the economy and that sort of thing. But like I said, it's one time that we felt pretty sheltered. And from the start, we've been saying this is absolute lunacy.
Shut us off. I don't know about the border, the New South Wales border, but shut off Western Queensland or North Queensland. I'll do some zones and let us operate as per normal. We had Western Queensland had zero cases the whole time.
And you go to the pub at Birdsville, that was Robbie Dare, saying you couldn't sell beer up that end of the counter, but sell fuel. So it just seemed ridiculous to us. And we were saying, can you please, as usual, just make a little bit different rules for the country areas which I never seem to understand. And that was probably the biggest frustrating part or has been the frustrating part of it. Yeah, so Robbie, I don't often like to ask these questions. It's a hypothetical one.
Should the Cata Party win 44 seats on the 31st of October, what does your roadmap look like for Queensland moving out of this corona time that we've been in? Oh, you know, if it's in the ground, dig it up, grow it. You know, we're very... You can't live in North Queensland, especially North West Queensland, where you're just immersed in all this potential and resources. And it's all, you know, it's all not far off its virgin state. There's so much to harvest.
So mandating biofuels, mandating ethanol in cars so that there's a secondary market for grain farmers and sugar farmers and stimulating the economy while creating clean air and in the long run creating downward pressure on fuel against the multinational oil companies. I think that's pretty good policy. That's something we'd push. Coal mining, you know, that's going to be our salvation for the Queensland economy for the next five or 10 years at least, if not beyond that. So I think we've got a pretty good role to play if people want us to after the election to try and re-engage some of those industries because I'm absolutely sure they're struggling.
Yeah, we'll just try and be that pro-development party that everyone sort of tries to say you've been parochial or you just don't like the city. And so it's got nothing to do with it. I understand we can actually be a big provider for the state and when you talk about separate state and stuff it's not so much that we want to break away from you, it's just that we can contribute a lot better if there's more autonomy when you're in rural areas and you're making decisions that are more relevant and it just takes a lot of the nonsense out of decision-making. And I think it's a pretty mature discussion to have but everyone thinks, straight up just pigeonholes those are, it's just country hating the city and it's not like that, you're trying to develop and you're frustrated by surrounding yourself in these, all this potential and just seeing it cut off at the knees and thinking I wish there was a better way to try and connect with people to get some benefit out of this.
The Cata Australia Party have always been very good at avoiding populism. I mean, I notice, you know, while the conspiracists and the tin foil hat types, you know, Craig Kelly and The Bachelor up there in Mackay, they're all kind of anti-lockdown, anti-mask even some of these people, One Nation certainly had a few of that rhetoric going around, you know, people were, you were respecting the science of this pandemic which is different, which is interesting because as you said, you get tarred with the brush of being, you know, these lunatics out bush who just want to be contrarians to everything that's coming out of the city. Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean, bloody hell, that's what I've done usually if you don't, you know, believe it or understand it. When you say science, bloody hell, there's just, there's so much, it's not so much the science itself, it's the politicians that you, and how they interpret or manipulate the science around things that make me entirely cynical and I get shivers down my spine and someone says oh, I've got to believe in the science, well, if they come to the mouth of a politician that's when I start worrying. But yeah, with this I'd like, you know, you've got enough friends what's been told and you know enough to get the sensible ground, yeah, you know, we do try and get things right out here, we're not just, as you say, we're not trying to be contrarians all the time. Anastasia, on the issue of the lockdown, the borders and the, everything she's done, you know, held strong on to keep the borders closed and to keep coronavirus out of Queensland, she's probably won the support of a lot of Queensland, you know, regardless of their political alignment on that issue. Where would you say she's let down your constituents?
Oh, boy oh boy. In the last term.
You know, try and build anything bigger than a cubby house in Queensland and you'll have, you know, four departments trying to stop you and, you know, dad got 250 million for dams and it's funny actually because bureaucrats will always say, oh yeah, that's brilliant, we love this project and they love it until you see you've actually got money for it and when it becomes real they go, oh, actually there's a few problems with this dam, you know, and they're absolute world experts at coming up with great creative excuses not to do stuff and I would say the premier is, you know, would be a, if not a gold medalist, a podium finisher and not doing stuff and avoiding things, so and like the frustrating thing for me is they recently had a big announcement we've been working on keeping the copper smelled rope in Mount Isa and, you know, the bare bones of that really is if it's shut down in Mount Isa it opens up in China as a much dirtier smelter where they get all the jobs out of it so it's like, do you want a smelter in Australia at night? and they sort of think it's a big favour to you that they're helping to keep the smelter open that's the mindset I think and I'm trying to help you guys here this is not you helping me, I don't like, I'm not asking you for a football stadium in Mount Isa which would be nice, I'm asking you to help and it's pretty frustrating when you're actually angry when, you know, you're trying to give them stuff that helps their economy and helps them do their job and they can go and build their Cross River Rail in Brisbane and build another sports stadium but at least let me help you keep some jobs and industry going and I think the hallmark of the premise, she says I've created 10,000 jobs no you haven't, you bought them with my money it's my back to create other serving jobs and, you know, we need public servants are very valuable in a lot of ways but you don't say you're creating jobs that's, you know, I've got a front row seat in the industry development in the regions and I can tell you like everything is hard and everything's going backwards in those ways so, you know, I would give her a very poor scorecard in trying to align with those things that I'd love to achieve in politics and when it comes to Frecklington, the LNP leader what would you say is her greatest kind of flaws you know, in the sense that why should people in your three seats you've got now why should people in the KAP, electorates vote for KAP instead of LNP what have you got over them and what don't they offer yeah that's easy, they've just got this bipolar sort of character where they're trying to pretend they're still with the old nationals but go down to Brisbane and be the Liberals at the same time it's all under the qualification oh we have these robust internal party discussions, oh really? show me someone across the floor two people across the floor in about 15 years that's not that robust and when you have, you know, we've put dairy bills in, rural bank bills there was a reef bill the other day and they all vote with labour on it, you go that's fine like, you know, that's parliament and politics but don't come back out bush and say, oh we're all for the farmers like, be consistent and so I think it's really difficult for them it's been a failed marriage with the Liberals and Nationals and I think whoever's in Deb's job is a really tough gig because they've got to try and say they love the reef and we've got to stop farming, damage the reef and then she's got to go back up the Burdekin and Ingham and the likes and say, oh but we actually, you know, that's all nonsense about the reef we love farmers and that's a really tough gig I think she has trouble doing that and you know, I think I wish them well, go and become the Liberal party and we'll be the representatives of the country area and you know, do what you do well and battle labour on that basis and that's the trouble they have, is they've got an identity crisis and the sooner they wake up to that, the happier life they'll live I suppose that one thing that they do have like an issue committing on is energy policy and where they say that mining's great for jobs in North Queensland but then they go back down to Brisbane and say that, you know we have to stop the coal mining, we have to stop exporting, we've got to close down Hay Point and Gladstone you know, but what would a future look like in North Queensland if they forced the country to move into renewables? What would North Queensland then, you know, effectively be forced to do? Well I think if that happened it's fair to assume that you'd see an decline in the development of coal reserves and there's enormous coal reserves there and that's, you know, like it or love it I mean, it's great to find alternatives but it's paying the bills at the moment until you find the things that replace the bills, so I think that's nothing against renewables and there's in fact Mount Isa and the western areas of Queensland, Mount Isa is probably the best place to contribute in that space because where you're so far west you know, we're about an hour behind in sunlight so if you have you know, sunlight generating power or photovoltaic or whatever that will feed into the grid and hits at the peak hour, you know peak tariff on the coast on the east coast and you know, there's just so much, another thing with renewables, like I've said to the government three or four times most of my electorate is not connected to the grid on those cattle stations, the cockies love the solar fuel pumps and like, while you're feeding the solar in on the grid against your own generators they'll subsidise they'll pay for a lot more of the portion of the cost of solar out in the cattle stations they love the bloody solar stuff out in them and they don't have any pep mains they're burning diesel generators or petrol generators so there's a lot of good stuff you can do, but you've got to get people to listen and they sort of listen to extent but they never follow through I got them to do a study on that solar stuff and rural would end up being on cane farms on the coast and they missed the point and you know, there's a happy medium I think with it, ethanol's a great one because people say what's your environment if you're ethanol, tell me something else that reduces, 10% E10 in your tank reduces your emissions by 30% so if we mandate E10, make every car do it which is a lot less impost than when we change from unleaded fuel to unleaded fuel 30 years ago it's a lot less impost than that unleaded fuel, it prams on the side of the road and unleaded fuel burning down this main street at Mount Isa bloody E10'd burn out every valve in my old Land Cruiser Prado, I'll tell you that much, it's it's on the good stuff still that you know, that's a good policy because it's equivalent to taking 30% of cars off the road that's a pretty good thing right now it feels like coal's on the nose at a mainstream level, as you said before with the LNP identity crisis, Labour's having the same identity crisis, they've got CFMEU trucks in the middle of Claremont with signs saying Start a Darnie on it which I don't think was really good for Bill Shorten's brand leading into an election, you've got you know, you've got two parties torn down the middle with that let's say they all go the same way and decide that coal is on the nose what do you do for, you know, a lot of people in your electorate too they got used to making a lot of good coin in the berm, what do you do there because, you know, as much as Bob Brown comes up with his convoy and says oh you blokes can make the same amount of money with a windscreen wiper on a solar panel that's just not going to be the case what would be the alternative in terms of jobs in the coal mining regions? Exactly, I just, I don't have a good answer for that and that's when people, you know, bang on to me about cars, I don't really have a good answer but I'm not willing to give up my Toyota in my house at the moment, so my joy, who knows, and until you're willing to give up some of your stuff I think we've got a bit of a problem so you know, let's work, there's other things we can do and you know, it's not all about coal, like where I live in the North West mineral problem, we're trying to build a power line, a big stuff off power line, try and language for the kids PG, but if you, High Valjean, we pay the highest electricity prices in the industrial world, in Mount Isa, not many people know that, so you know, if you're on the grid in Australia, you pay 60, 70 bucks a megawatt hour, Mount Isa you pay 200 bucks a megawatt hour, we build this transmission line, you can halve that and if you halve electricity prices for mines in the mineral province with $580 billion worth of minerals still on the ground, you know, you can, that's not too bad and there's no replacement on the rise of the copper, zinc, there is for lead, but lead's still got demand they say look, yeah, there's there's still plenty can be done outside of just coal. Who, can you give us a little rundown on some of the candidates you've got running, I mean obviously you've got yourself, Knuth, Daniel Leto, Minister for Muscles, Minister for Muscles, the Minister for Jetskis, shirtless jetski photo shirts, where else you got, you got someone running in the tip? Can I start with Nick D'Amino for a second, he is the biggest characterisation of a wild I've ever met, and he's wife's nice, you know, Toyota Parola or whatever it is, next to his Hilux U, are out on the street because inside his garage is his speedboat with a 400 horsepower motor and he's way far They're drinking limoncello with the 4X gold I said Nick You just couldn't be any more stereotype man, he's a drag car, that's his speedboat The cat has looked like that a few generations ago Yeah Now we've got down in your country there we've got a fellow Rick Gannett He's probably more KAP than KAP He's just a pure farmer Then we've got up north in Cook we've got a young girl called Rebecca Parker who grew up at Hope Vale and she's related to Maddy Bowen which is sort of akin to Royalty up there and she's a nurse registered nurse that's gone back home there We've got a heap of candidates in Townsville basically in the footprint of North Queensland Sam Cox is running for us in the Birkins, a red hot chance and goes for heaps of names there We've got some really strong feel but we only feel like 10 to 15 so that you can focus on actually winning seats. Not like One Nation, you don't pull up outside the boxing tent and give everyone a number It's ambitious Well Robbie, as we saw down south in the New South Wales state election not too long ago we saw a massive rejection of the way that rural voters kind of held the National Party in that you saw them lose some of the safest seats that you could have in the country to the shooters, farmers and fishers Is the sentiment, in your opinion in Queensland kind of the same? It definitely is and that could be I could be setting myself up for a big failure because it's something very real so if we're not successful you'd say well we're pretty bloody hopeless The vacuum is very real The challenge is to insert yourself into people's consciousness where people have mainly switched off from politics and try and do that without a million dollar campaign budget, it's pretty tricky so get people interested in politics, insert a new brand name where they've had 50 or 100 years getting used to the old one and try and present yourself as an alternative and make sure you're credible and that's been the challenge for us and others and like I said earlier I don't begrudge the LNP or Labor having a spot in parliament but just work stick to who you want to represent don't try and be everything to everyone there's a good place for everyone in there but it's ridiculous to think that they still represent the farmers it's just nonsense, I've got a long catalogue of crucial rural bills we put through parliament that they've happily voted against this might actually be a record too up there in the Cook electorate probably the first time two indigenous women have run against each other in North Queensland now you've got the KAP who obviously represent, people don't realise this as well, a diverse community across all your seats as we just said, I was having trouble pronouncing some of the last names of you sitting members and you've got a lot of different industries, you've got Fruit, senior old man, put on the Sikh Turban whatever community event that was at, and you've got a whole lot going on there the KATAs I guess you could say have followed, as you said the voters have spent 100 years getting used to the most recent party they've been voting for and you're trying to insert yourself in there I guess there has been an incarnation of your last name in every party in the bush was there ever any labour in the KATA family? Yeah, back I believe as the DLP so the family, yeah I think it was in the 40s and 50s they were originally the labour party and from what I gather it's probably too strong a word but I think the family is sort of social outcasts a bit, a little bit they had a big business in Cloncurry but they were dark skinned Lebanese and for whatever reason I'm not sure what the motivation was but they were in the members of the labour party then and then there was the split which I think was around the 60s and they went to the DLP which sort of morphed then into the country party which then morphed into the national party and here we are today Do you have much to do with the shooters and fishers? I mean obviously there is the third force in rural Australia, it's a bit of a trend I mean South Australia have got their own thing going on there, you know their centre alliances and their xenophones and then down in Victoria the Nats are obviously in quite a lot of turmoil Do you keep in touch with these kind of intrastate kind of third options? Yeah we're very interested in reaching out and trying to find points of similarity and that would be a great benefit to both all of us I think, but then it's not sort of reaching out and trying to morph into something different for the sake of it we're not desperate to expand we just have an interest in pushing an agenda and a suite of policies and if people aren't that whatever, we could change a name, morph into something else, it's not about propagating a name or a brand, it's about pushing a suite of policies so whatever is the best vehicle to do that and KAP is for us at the moment and if something better comes along later then we use that The big issue that's come up throughout leading into this election is youth crime, particularly in rural areas KAP have always been on the front foot with this, unlike the National Party I guess who like to pretend that ice doesn't exist in the bush or like to pretend that there is no problem in fact a lot of people say that the National Party don't really even look at the towns, they don't even serve the towns in many kind of electorates and you and your old man have spoken about this a lot and particularly up there in the FNQ there is this issue of youth crime this isn't just a stereotype this isn't like Melbourne when you're leading into an election when all of a sudden there's a big crime spree this isn't necessarily a campaign kind of fantasy, this is pretty clear numbers on a piece of paper Oh yeah, I mean it's beyond words really like trying to relate to the statistics I remember at one point and it may still be the case in Mount Isa it wasn't the average number, the actual number of offences in one category was comparable to Brisbane, so an 18,000 population versus a 1 million population we had comparable total statistics in one category they're just off the dial things and it's you know not to sound too bloody self-righteous or anything, but you've just got to listen to people, like you're mostly talking about an indigenous problem, our first Australian brothers up there in Mount Isa, they're having all sorts of problems in their communities, alcoholism substance abuse, but you've just got to ask the right questions, it's common sense follow why are the kids on the street, because it's not safe at home, mum and dad aren't looking after them why are mum and dad having troubles, because he hasn't got a job and they oh okay, why hasn't he got a job, let's go back to communities, why haven't he got a job there, we can't get a blue card, okay let's look at blue cards, let's fix the blue cards, and you've just got to follow these things through and create opportunities for jobs for the parents and that's a lot, you know these are long things to turn around but you've just got to ask the right questions and get on the ground and see what the problems are, but you know they'll say oh you've got to adjust to the youth justice system and the parole period or something, you think god you're missing the point like you're dealing with the symptoms, but what's the real issue here? And you know another one like it's so obvious now but there's I think through the 70s or 80s, a lot of First Australians come off the stations, but in the 80s I think it was more pertinent, 80s or early 90s it was Kevin Rudd I think was one of the head public servants in Queensland under Wayne Gosling they took about 800 railway jobs between Townsville and you had a lot of Islanders, Indigenous work on that railway line and quite literally some of those families now are the ones struggling because they just lost their purpose in life and to have that uniform in the railways Mabo was in the railways himself wasn't he? I probably was actually So you're saying some families haven't been able to get above the poverty line since then? Yeah, pretty clear to see when you sort of reflect on it now and people in Brisbane make these decisions and you think boy oh boy you do not know how severe the consequences are of some of those rationalising decisions until you try and turn those things around I think you're wasting your time I have seen some ideas put forward by your party Bush School? What do you call it? What's this program? The policy is called relocation sentencing and it's sort of going back to their old law L-O-R-E in the context of the First Australians I suppose you're saying white or black if your kids are playing up one of the biggest gaps that they have in services is given the ability to use justice or the coppers or magistrate to say mate just get the hell out of town like we send you at a facility and that can you know you can gratify a lot of the angry locals that just got their car stolen by saying mate we got him out of town but also those people that believe in reforming these kids like you know let's not just throw them to the walls let's try and bring them turn them around if you've got a remote facility you can start to it's a lot easier to bloody lay a slab or build a fence or you know do a take in fishing for one day if they behave themselves all week or you know you can do stuff out bush and I've seen with my own two eyes you know really bad kids going out to Yirrindangy or Dja or something and they just transform because when they're taken out of that environment they're fine but you've got to get them well away not 20km out of town or 50km out of town you've got to take them 400km away you don't need fences or anything out there because it's good luck in the hand yeah yeah no it's not it's not a prison no that's right that's the big gap that's missing and that's the big policy that when it comes to policy we want to deal with youth crime and people are begging for it and I've yet to find anyone that disagrees with me on it which is pretty big because the last three or four years of politics usually you draw out a few haters or you know people that disagree but yeah but it's just a matter of getting the government to decide that it's actually their idea and rebadge it yeah well just before we go Robbie what are the key promises that the KAP's taken to this election well some of the big ones are building dams and water storage and ethanol mandate will work very strongly in that in power and enhance our mining in the state so we see one of the big ones is the government want to build you know it's about 12 kilometres of rail line which has gone up to 12 billion dollars in Brisbane to get people to work 10 minutes earlier what's the today show 10 minutes longer and you can build 300 kilometres of rail line in the Galilee basin that makes the taxpayer money for the next 20 or 30 years so they're the sort of things we can deliver if we get in I guess trying to turn things around in rural industry mainly thing is rural bank there's a huge appetite you go and try to buy us some batuta at the moment the banks just whack a bloody postcode discrimination on you you won't get the loan you're trying to get some young people to move out there or buy the tyre shop in Richmond they can't even get the finance once you break the ankles of someone and finally get them to stay there and they can't even get the finance we want to see a rural bank I put legislation in the state parliament for but we'll try and get something up like that because that will be perhaps not the salvation but maybe a good policy opportunity to turn things around let's just say you hold the balance of power in a month's time is that going to be something you're going to have to sit on? I wonder if they actually give you something like a staff or something like that that would be cool a gavel or you get to hold the mace in parliament for one day I have a cousin that would really enjoy that sorry, what was the question? if you did have the balance of power would you have to sit on it? yeah, you'd want to know whoever you were empowering there pretty closely aligned with your agenda and I reckon that's good news for them because I'm not there asking for streets paved with gold I'm asking for things that make them money they shouldn't see it as such a burden but who knows they think funny sometimes as politicians and lastly who's your pick for the NRL 2020 premiership? well until last week Roosters hated saying it bloody hell I know we can cross finally we can cross off the cowboys yeah there was a little engine that could this year until it couldn't yeah honestly I just can't see I think it's because I just don't like pennies for some reason but I'd really didn't want Roosters and I took on a bet with friends at the start of the year, I took Melbourne so I'm just going to say Melbourne because I'm in financial interest you heard it here first yeah I heard it here first it basically has been a Queensland team for a while they've been based on the sunny coast if you want to talk or Redcliffe if only they had a team there that was ready to go Vlandas might bump up the Dolphins, that could be a real go there he certainly doesn't mind making decisions yeah could use a bit of politics thanks for joining us Robby, all the best all the best with the red whitewash, the KAP the landslide in this incoming Queensland election I reckon you're going to paint it red yeah thank you, I did need to congratulate you too, I listened to many podcasts with Billy Birmingham last Christmas I was driving down the family and it was absolute, as I said before it wasn't a gold medal it was a podium finisher for podcasts thanks mate, thank you actually we interviewed Joy McKean last week Slim's wife Slim's wife we were talking about the catters before we went there she said she has had many very long conversations with your dad she pulls into town because he reckons he knows who killed the jolly swag man all those years ago can I tell you one story one of my best mates he's just always bagged slim dust in that's just sacrilege out in the bush and he told me one day a story of his dad who's in his 70s, got jibbed for like tuppence or whatever it was, four pound or five or something at the show somewhere because he had to hold a cigarette in his mouth and Slim missed it so he didn't pay him the money so yeah the animosity has gone generational yeah, just rubbishing rubbishing Slim he's the first in Western Australia Western Queensland or rural Australia that does all the business it's quite a universal sentiment you're rubbing up against there mate laughter well all the best mate we'll see you we'll see you when we see you see you at the next ISA rodeo |
SaturdayNightLive | the_rachel_maddow_show_roland_burris_and_gov_blagojevich_snl | Good evening, I'm Rachel Maddow. it's been a wild and controversial week in the U.s. Senate, beginning Tuesday when Rod Blagojevich, appointee, Roland Burris, showed up, hoping to take his seat as the newest Senator from Illinois, only to be turned away at the front gate. Mr. Burris joins us now from Washington. Hello, Rachel. please call me Senator Burris. Well, that's not official yet. it's been quite a week for you. tell us what happened on Tuesday.
All right, Rachel. As you know, I was appointed by my dear friend, the honorable and recently impeached Governor Rod Blagojevich. yes, and because of that, you were warned many times that your appointment would not be recognized, yet you flew down to Washington anyway. I sure did, Rachel. I am a four-time elected official statewide, so I know when it's time to go to work.
I went on Priceline.com, and I found myself a very reasonable ticket on Southwest Airlines. And before I knew it, I was landing at an airport within a 50-mile drive of the greater D.c. area. Priceline negotiator!
So you just showed up. What did you expect would happen? Well, I expected to be sworn in and seated as a U.s.
Senator, but I guess it wasn't my day. I was told that my credentials were not in order, and I was kindly escorted out of the building. But don't worry, Rachel. I'm sure that the matter will be cleared up.
I'm very qualified. I've held four state positions, and three of them have been Comptroller.
Fair enough. tell us what happened after you were turned away on Tuesday. Well, on Wednesday, Rachel, I was very happy because I was able to meet with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and that meeting was very productive. And what did he say? Well, he told me that my credentials were not in order, and I was escorted out of the building. Sorry to hear that. What happened the next day? Well, on Thursday, I proudly walked through the senate doors. And then after breaking away from my tour group, I noticed that someone had left a fire exit open. So I proceeded to take my rightful place as junior Senator by commando-crawling through the ceiling vents. as I was approaching the Senate floor, I collapsed through the ceiling, causing me to plunge into some kind of a coffee break room. And what happened then? I was told that my credentials were not in order, and again, I was escorted out of the building and given the telephone number to a local Jamaican taxi service.
Yes, we have a picture of that. Now, it looks like you're wearing a disguise of some sort. Yes, I thought my fellow signatures would find it humorous. Okay.
So, did you try again on Friday? Uh, no, Rachel.
See, last night, I needed to blow off a little steam, so I went to a popular Dc nightclub called Oxygen. There, I explained to the gentleman at the door that I was a four-time elected official and three-time comptroller. But when I got there, I was told that my credentials were not in order, and I was escorted out of the building.
I'm sorry to hear that. Now, Harry Reid has stated that this has nothing to do with race. Do you believe that? Oh, absolutely. absolutely.
Harry Reid never wanted this race to come to this, and I'm sure that the other 99 white senators feel the same way. they would love to see the Black population of the Senate rocket up to 1%. Rachel, I'm a dreamer, and I envision a day when the U.s. Senate will have the same percentage of African-americans as, say, the State of Utah or the Country Music Awards.
Well, good luck to you, Mr. Burris. thank you. joining us now is the man who appointed Mr. Burris, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. good evening, Governor. Yeah, you thought I'd gone away, didn't you? Well, sorry to spoil your party there, Billie Jean King. you must be pleased that your appointee might actually make it into the Senate, even after Harry Reid said he would never seat someone you picked.
I couldn't be happier, Ellen.
No, it's like I said to Harry Reid on the phone, and I'm going to watch my language here by substituting a word. I said, if you sex me, Harry, I will sex you so hard you'll wish you'd never been born. Then I told him to go sex himself, and I hung up the phone.
Governor, Yesterday, you were impeached by the State Legislature, 11421. Yeah, it's closer than I thought. Yeah, you got to understand, getting impeached in Illinois is nothing. it's like a prank. you know, it's just part of the swearing-in ceremony.
You got me, Katie Lang? I suppose. And you maintained your innocence in a press conference yesterday where you had several sick and handicapped people stand behind you. don't you find that a little exploitive? exploitive? Sex You.
Governor, when will you leave office? Never. never, Chachi. I'm not going anywhere. I'm stuck here like a Dutch kid with his thumb in a dike. sound familiar, Kyle Mclaughlin? Okay. okay, I'm cutting you off. Thank you to Mr. Burris. no thanks to Governor Blagojevich. and live from New York, it's. |
TheOnion | US_Schools_Trail_World_In_Child_Soldier_Aptitude | Once again, American school children are failing to keep pace with those of other nations. A new Amnesty International study this week shows that American child soldiers rank far behind African children in almost every area of military skill. The American children scored significantly lower in basic rifle marksmanship, clearing of mines, and accuracy with a machete. With us now to discuss these alarming statistics is investigative journalist Harrison Gadley, author of the new book, Target Education. Just how big is the gap in skills between an African child and an American child?
Quite large. An average Sudanese child can field strip a Type 81 assault rifle by the time he's in sixth grade. An American child couldn't do the same until he enlisted in the military at 17 and a half. Well, and this is a problem all across the nation? Well, certain rural areas have scored higher than others in gun use, certain inner city areas as well. I'm certain. Places like Detroit. As a whole, these scores should be a big concern to military educators.
How did we let our children's fighting skills fall so far behind nations like Uganda or Sierra Leone, which I see are on the top of the list? These regions have developed a culture that encourages, if not requires, active youth involvement. In America, there's much more of a culture of protection and isolation from danger. What age does this happen in Africa? Well, in the Congo, a child may be kidnapped and conscripted in a revolutionary militia at age 11 or 12, and then there's all sorts of opportunities in the home. A child's father may be beheaded, and he'll learn to use a gun in order to protect his mother from sexual assault by marauding bands and so on.
Harrison, Harrison, can I stop you for a minute? Is it too late? No, Brandon, but it costs money to put guns in the hands of our children. We need to put more shooting ranges in schools. In your book, you stress that parents cannot wait for the educational system to catch up. Yes, Brandon, I recommend that parents do small exercises with their children to develop their survival skills, like leaving them in a jungle with only a knife to protect them or encouraging them to escalate small playground conflicts into hand-to-hand combat. Harrison, thank you very much for being here.
Up next, thousands are splattered during a demonstration of world's largest deep fryer. |
CrackerMilk | nichameleon_does_improv_with_us | I'm not trying to like when you get on mainly, but it's all good. How old are you? I'm 26.
I'm a young boy So I would say I would say that's in the category I cheated on you See look how good it is I shit in your bed Hello, everyone and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk podcast Joined by our friend Nick a million or just Nick or whatever the fuck find her social media below Yes now in the crack more podcast we take your YouTube comments and turn them into Improv suggestions that we use as funny little bits It's a it's a good time and if you want your suggestion Or you have something that you think we should act out leave a YouTube comment We read every single one and if you want to listen to this instead of watching it because you know you got shit to do Yeah, if that's the case you can find us on Spotify or whatever the other ones are And if you want to see the 60-minute uncut version of this podcast, so we're absolutely filthy in and complete degenerates You can find that on our patreon, okay? Nice oh yeah, and I fractured my spine, so we fractured buddy Always comes in threes so we fractured your I I broke my I was watching a movie Dark Knight Rises midnight release No, no Not that other horrible tragedy. This was in Australia. He came out with a pickaxe and he said Some people want to watch the world burn any Santa Santa like Michael Caine And he just came out with pickaxes, and he just said hacking at everyone um okay now We haven't do you know about AI system that gives us improv suggestions cool all right all right AI How are you today great?
Another woman looks like this one also knows where the hair dye is you feel about a new guest I ran a background check, and it looks like she has never paid tax Never I thought that was really nice for them to say that well. I'm shocked that you do all right AI What's the improv suggestion improv suggestion a young man in denial about his dementia? Because he keeps forgetting that he had just been told he has dementia oh Awesome, thanks for hosting this party for me think it's fucking sick That's not sure what an intervention is but it sounds French engine and sounds like a cool Party thing and I'm keen to get Firstly it's intervention, and I don't think it's Guys so keen for this party not sure what an intervention is but sounds French, and I'm keen to party What's up, what's going on I've got dementia, I think you just got to be hard out Tell him he's gonna be be aggressive with it. I don't have to just get it in brandon is mine Yeah, dude you're gonna fucking forget everything This this interaction right now. You're gonna forget the interaction you had 10 minutes ago already forgotten Forgot that you're fucking married dude if you can everything you forget that you have kids You forget who I am do you know who I am oh guys, thanks so much for throwing this party Yeah, fuck you Dude sorry Definitely gonna forget all about this stuff and horrible people, but thank you for telling me I Guess I'll just wait till I forget yeah, yeah, that's cool.
Oh hang on. I'm getting a call Hello who's this? Hey dr.
Smith, how you going Oh Thanks doc and it's right he'll forget that phone call even happened Is the dementia you know like he's gonna fucking forget every shit in my fucking bed Tell me I have dementia, and then you shit in my bed. Yeah, try to play it off like it was the dog Yeah It's pretty hard to play off a shit that large with that much corn as my small poodle shih tzu crosses Company if you forgot that Elon Musk was over as well mental. I didn't that Ned did not happen that happen No, it didn't you're a fucking liar you shit in my bed, and you cheated on me with someone called Jack. Don't appreciate it I Just told you I don't have dementia forget that I I cheated on you with a jack to uh we're not dating I Didn't forget.
We're not dating. We're not dating Damn it All right, I what's the next suggest improv suggestion a Dangerous killer has escaped from prison and Elias suddenly has a new girlfriend Okay you ready have you seen the fucking news a Mass serial killer has escaped from the women's bring it prison mass serial killer known for killing young boys curly-headed 26 year old men very specific and Hates it says here. Why is it young boys and 26 in this in the same sense hates? The patriarchy this isn't looking good for us, dude Anyway, do you mind telling me who the fuck this is?
My new girlfriend. Hey, what's the name? Um, I think you should know that sweetie. We've been dating for a while now I've got bad memory.
Just what was it was? What was it again?
This is a really embarrassing So how long have you known sandy for oh, you know like quite a while how long is quite a while buddy So I'm literally asking you how long Knew each other ages ago like before I Yeah, what not I went away on like a holiday 25 to like life sentence is 25 years. Is that how long your holiday was? I don't know if going to Fiji for a couple weeks.
I mean Years is like yeah, definitely right like, you know But I I knew that Elias is here waiting for me It just really starts to feel like she's a pretty girl and she told you she'd go out with you If you don't ask questions He asked me questions. I was your day. Ask her that question. How's your day fucking us anything? That's okay, honey. It's starting to feel like sandy may Potentially be someone she's not I really like your curly hair Like sorry just to I'm sorry, I'm sorry sandy How dare you how dare you come to me in my new girlfriend This is my home and you're over my hand. You're accusing me I'm not accusing I'm asking all of these bad things you can't you what am I? This makes me feel or how you think this makes any feel coming over here And the first thing is we do when we come over is it get interrogated?
I'm 26. I'm a young boy. I'm 26 Okay Yes, why are you such a fucking simp that's the first thing I want to ask, uh-huh That's not an answer The second thing I want to ask is have you considered that your partner here?
Potentially could be the serial killer that hunts young boys with curly hair She's a serial killer dude, what am I meant to do? She's gonna fucking kill me like before you do anything Thing is like just gonna kill you So really what's happening is this is the best opportunity you've ever had to bust a nut What um, can I ask you a question?
Yeah, when you met sandy, did she stab you at all? Yes How many stab wounds with love? Yeah, how many stab wounds do you have 30?
Sandy I'm I feel like you should know that I've actually called the police and notified them of that Oh, I don't know how you did that because I cut the phone Well, um, I know how I did that because it's the fucking 21st century and I have a mobile phone you idiot Do you guys remember the movie? What? My name All right AI what's the next suggestion improv suggestion a crew of astronauts But none of them know how to start the space rocket Sorry, yeah, no, I was laughing in his face, too So you should be on my side you should come over here and then we could be like stop trying to fucking there's no competition Two one lift off. Yeah, it's not really working I Have been training for years for this moment and listen, I'm gonna be honest I May have been paying The bigger kids to do my homework for me So I may be a little incompetent What do you want what do you want Rocket ship just so that leaves you do you know how to operate the machine?
Well, I did do the course as as you also yet. Yeah. Yeah, I Have a feeling of the wrong course. What do you mean? It was like plants and horticulture. Am I in the right place?
Well, look, I will say you have done a wonderful job I Just feel like you know at one with Did you do the course I like it. Did you finish the course? Yeah, did you finish the Astrophysics and space rocket flying course.
So, you know how to fly. Yeah. Okay. What do we press to get up in the air?
Well, usually it's like a button that's kind of like around this area, but like there's a lot of different like yeah I haven't even seen before and that one's kind of like speaking to me. So that's because it's a speaker Are we being listened to?
We're literally on every single TV in the entire world right now People that what people are waiting. Yeah, they can't see us right now, but they can Yeah, well I took my luggage You have a change of clothes have a fucking Space you got a fucking astronaut suit on.
Yeah, but what if I shit myself? What button do we press to at least start taking? I actually don't feel like I want to go now I have this like Okay, so far so good Okay, we're going about 50 kilometers an hour upwards easy, okay great We're in zero-gravity now, who knows how to fly the rocket from here. I thought it was just autopilot Do you want to ask anything about? Right, can you grow any plants that could fly this fucking ship? Absolutely I feel like this was a huge mistake coming up here with What's happening, huh?
What how are you? Okay. Yeah, I'm fine.
I mean mission success, right? I Say getting stuck in space is not mission success. Wait, we're in space.
What the fuck you told me the button to press to get up here Dude, I thought I was in like the fucking VR like thing world. I Don't know how to fly this plane.
I have an idea We take a lesson from a little something called September 11 Thanks AI for that lovely improv suggestion And remember if you want to hear the uncut version of what we just did you can find it on our patreon because trust me We can't put it on YouTube. Yeah, that's good. And also just want to say it's good. Oh, thanks to fuck Thank you to the patrons who helped support us and run this channel cuz it's like Alright AI what's the suggestion improv suggestion you all find out you have the same mum at her funeral Where she died of crabs. Oh Oh Suggestion that's a good suggestion.
I'm a bit about Hey everyone Welcome to my welcome to my My mother's funeral She was a beautiful woman. I was an only child And we all know that she died in that horrible crab accident. Wait, I thought I was an only child Really Well, I saw my mom like I saw my dad and then I'd see my mom like three days of the week So I was with my mom Monday to Wednesday. When were you with your mom the other days? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Did you know who your mom is? Yeah, my mom died from like a scuba diving accident from crabs That's my mom really that's a really roundabout way to say you just say how often were you with your mom Every night can't I was with her Monday to Wednesday night during the day, but at night true She did have her night runs.
Yeah, cuz I lifted a house eight hour night time runs What was our 54 year old mother doing looking for pearls at 3 a.m. In the morning on her own Where she was Taunting crabs. We did find out there was a GoPro body cam.
I call foul play I think that my my dad I don't know whether we have the same dad, but I think he set it up Because he was your dad's name Bruce and he used to have a whole bunch of crabs He used to like my dad's name is Bruce, but my dad's name is Bruce. I had a dad Yeah, how'd he die crab accident? What was his name? Like Bruce Lee, so maybe he's Bruce Lee Bruce Lee is your dad. No, they first name Guys, what if we have the same dad as well? What does your dad look like?
He's sort of like short He's got like a big mohawk. Uh-huh, right? Yeah, and he exclusively wears rollerblades Everywhere and you know, let's talk about roller skates. He will not take them off I was concerned when I heard about his scuba adventure Yeah, yeah, yeah haven't seen him since was nimble He was quite nimble wasn't also your it looks similar dude exactly the same Wow, really except that he also had big shoulder pads that he wore all the time That was yeah mine mine had that too and he had a big tattoo on his chest And it kinda I don't really know he must have been like an electrician or something because it was like he loved lightning You see the rest of It's like it was like a windowpane where it looks like the outside of the windowpane had been made later Almost like it was covered up Weird fella.
Thanks for joining us Nick on this lovely episode And if you want to hear the 60-minute uncut version full of the 9-eleven and then Hitler jokes, whoa You can find it on our patreon And if you want to leave a suggestion for us or just leave a comment to keep this podcast alive Then do it please on YouTube because we read them all want to listen to this fucking puppy Go back and watch all the old episodes You can do it all on Spotify and other streaming platforms do it while you're taking to poo making dinner going for a walk Driving from home. Think about think about how I think we are dude. I did it when I was Flying a plane really? Yeah didn't like and I just so absorbed didn't see where I was actually going Wait it what happened fell into a tower Embarrassing you can't just sit here and play Hitler.
It's fucking horrible. Where are we gonna put this? We can't do this. People are gonna think we're like People don't understand that sarcasm dude. You're making us look stupid You're gonna let AI gas light you yeah cuz I last time didn't know I can cancel a fucking robot No one everyone can cancel you white boy with hunched skull |
cracked | how_to_succeed_in_business_without_really_dying | And of course, with these new clients comes new areas of responsibility for the company. We're expanding the board, and whoever earns this title will be up for a steep compensation increase. And I think it should be one of you, but which one? By the end of this meeting, I expect to have my answer, so demonstrate to me that you embody the qualities this company represents. And the job is yours.
Any questions before we start? Yeah, you know, I think I'm just gonna go. I've got the kids and the wife at home, and I'd really like to be there for them as they grow up, so good luck, guys. Fine! The rest of you, eyes front.
The most important quality of a leader is the ability to take action when the situation demands. Can I borrow a pen? You can not let someone else make the first move. You must be ready to pounce. You must be ready to jump, and tear it open, and rip it apart, and go in, and fight down, and rip it out, inside out. You must be ready at all times to rip it inside out. If you do, you'll be left with your pants around whatever you have, ankles, knees. Yes, Robert, something about initiative. Can I go to the bathroom?
As I was saying, alertness. Listen, look. You must always be constantly fully aware of your surroundings. When your back is turned, you look like a fool. Something's going on behind you, and you're like, what is it? Turn around and say, hey, what are you doing in my face?
No, I'm going first. I have... Lost my target.
Damn it.
God bless you. It was a... Aha! Disguises! Now! That was close. This is a weird one. What's our next move, Arner? It's starting to just make sense right away. But trust me.
Disguise. In the business world, you have to be closer. Otherwise, you'll be like this. It all comes around the circle. And also, not just in the business world, when you're out there in the field. You've got to disguise yourself, and whether you're...
Robert, welcome back. Where's Raquel? She had to drop out of the running.
Strange emphasis, but all right. I guess it's down to you three. Time for some trust falls. Trust is imperative. Gwen, you're going to fall into my arms. Robert, Pete, you try to.
All right. What? Yeah. Loved it. Quick.
Let's pee asleep. Yeah, I guess he wasn't into it. Well, that certainly doesn't exhibit our next trait.
Tenaciousness. How long do you plan on staying here? It all depends on your ability to close the deal. There are deals everywhere. In the boardroom, out in the field, on the table, on the grass.
You're going to kill a bug. You've got to close that deal to stop down hard. Or gas it hard. Or whatever thing you're using to kill that bug, you use it. And you use it hard.
Look outside. Birds are making deals with bugs. Bugs are making deals with your friends. Your friends are eating food, making deals. That is what business is all about, making choices.
If you're listening to this, it means I'm dead. You don't want to look. And so are you. If you don't tell me you don't know about the deal, you've got to close. And that is pretty much it. Probably one of my better presentations, if I can say that. Say that. Cover it.
All targets eliminated. Returning to Assassin Corp. headquarters. |
dropout | wanderlunch_we_sent_a_guy_to_dubai_just_to_eat_pizza_hut_s_crown_carnival_cheeseburger_pizza | I came all the way to Dubai to eat a giant pizza, so let's see how this goes. I'm going after the Crown Crust Carnival. That's my job. Now it's time to do what I was sent here to do. Just had to ask a cab driver to drive me to Pizza Hut. It's a fucking fat American that I am.
You know they have choices. You can have a Crown Crust Carnival with cheeseburger, chicken filet, or cream cheese pizza. One I think sounds the best is the chicken filet. You already eat the cheeseburger one, so I'll be getting that. Maybe I'll take a chicken filet one to go to eat my room in the middle of the night while I cry. He's going to close up and look at this bad boy. It's pretty convenient that it looks like a heart, huh? That's because that's the thing that's going to stop when I eat this entire thing. Or a spider.
That's pretty good. The first thing that comes to mind is that the special sauce is Thousand Island dressing and overwhelms the entire pizza. But having beef on the pizza is good. All right, I'm down to the little burger crust pocket thing. Let's see how this goes. The second burger tastes very sausage-patty-esque. Pizza is like blow jobs. Even the worst one is still decent, because I mean, hey, it's pizza. Or hey, it's a blow job.
I'm going to throw in the towel, guys. I ate about all but two slices of this thing. It's a little bit of a vegetable graveyard in my height, but I am full up, and it has slowed me down. That's it for that crazy Pizza Hut pizza.
That bone is covered in grease, because the camera I brought did not work, so I had to do it all on my own phone. And my lips are covered in grease. My fingers are covered in grease. Now I've got to figure out how to get a cab to get back to my hotel, which we love. |
cracked | we_were_all_wrong_about_jennifer_s_body | I recommend more complex cobwebs.
Guys, I think we owe Megan Fox an apology. More specifically, we owe Jennifer's body an apology. After keeping a low profile for a minute there, Megan Fox is ready to be America's IT girl yet again. While she's been busy toting her boyfriend, Machine Gun Kelly, as her accessory du jour in breaking the internet with Kourtney Kardashian, she's managed to jump back into the world of acting, including getting in touch with her horror roots in July's thriller, Till Death. But even during her re-emergence as a Scream Queen, she hasn't forgotten the pretty salty way Jennifer's body was treated over a decade ago. On the press tour for Till Death throughout this summer, the actress was not only hyping up her new flick, but also taking several opportunities to remind us just how criminally underrated Jennifer's body is, even calling it her favorite movie she's ever worked on.
Take that, Michael Bay! You're old and gross now. How does that make you feel? I'm sorry. Okay?
But then again, I guess it's no surprise that the openly bisexual Transformers star's favorite project was a queer-as-hell, campy horror movie written by the person who wrote Juno where she gets to kiss Amanda Seyfried and basically kill every member of the lacrosse team. Essentially, the plot of Jennifer's body is that a quiet, nerdy high school student's childhood best friend is sacrificed by Ben Shapiro and his awful band to Satan. Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? However, the sacrificial ceremony goes wrong and a demon gets stuck inside, you guessed it, Jennifer's body.
And then demon antics ensue. And who doesn't love demon antics?
Are you scared? But more importantly, why the hell haven't you seen that yet? Well, that's probably because for some stupid reason.
Jennifer's body, a bold feminine take on the slasher genre, just didn't nearly put enough butts in seats during its theatrical release. The $16 million dollar film baked a measly $2.8 million on opening day.
It's true. It's on the Wikipedia. It was only downhill from there. Shortly after it hit theaters, critics began slamming the movie for not being scary enough and chalking it up as a vanity project for the Lady from the Transformers franchise. It was rude. But those hot takes couldn't be any further from the truth. From Meghan's perspective, everyone seemed to have completely misunderstood what the people behind the movie were trying to do. And I'm inclined to agree with them. Let me say this again.
Jennifer's body was written by the same Oscar-winning screenwriter as Juno. It's a scary bisexual Juno is what I'm saying. Just without Michael Cera. And it's just as funny and relatable as Juno, too.
You hear me, you bastard? I'll cut off your nut sack and nail it to my door! Like one of those lion door knockers rich folks got.
For starters, you have a pre-Parks and rec Chris Pratt who gets murdered by an indie band that worships Satan. And it only gets crazier from there. Oh! And J.K. Simmons has a hook hand. A hook hand! I repeat things for emphasis. Maybe it's just because we have hindsight now, but the fact that we didn't all collectively realize Jennifer's body was a genius satire of early 2000s pop culture is really our bad.
It's a rock show. This is my rock look. Well, I can see like your womb, so...
Meghan Fox has gone on record saying the studio tried too hard to market this movie to teen boys by saying, look at the hot Transformers lady and Karen from Mean Girls kiss. And while technically that's true, it could not have missed the mark any harder. Jennifer's Body isn't just a boilerplate scary movie where two women kiss. It's a film entirely dedicated to the struggles of discovering identity and taking that first step into the world outside of being straight. A step anyone who lives an alternative lifestyle of any kind has had to take at some point. Considering these tone deaf dude bro marketing tactics, Meghan Fox says she was pretty nervous about how her kiss with Seyfried's character Needy could be misinterpreted if targeted towards straight men rather than its intended audience. Women and members of the LGBTQI Plus community grow uncomfortable with their identity.
You want a stat? What's up Fagisil?
As Meghan put it herself, quote, that was a real thing that goes on with teenage girls that are discovering their sexuality and sometimes that's discovering that they love other girls. And Meghan Fox isn't the only one to see Jennifer's body for what it truly was. Fox dubbed it a, quote, forgotten feminist classic and horror geek life has predicted the inevitability of the movie becoming a sleeper hit. To use their words, as it is one day, they'll be teaching it at the intersections of cinema studies, film theory and women's studies. Now, I don't want to spoil too much of Jennifer's Body for those who haven't seen it. I promise you, you will not be disappointed, especially if you're a girl guy or they. It's currently available on Amazon Prime Video, and it's the perfect way to kick off spooky season. So go give Meghan Fox, and Amanda Seyfried for that matter, some love, and check out Jennifer's Body. And while you're at it, let's all go tell Meghan Fox that we're really sorry for doubting her.
And that she has to put up with machine gun Kelly. I thought you only murdered boys. I go both ways. |
TheOnion | World_s_Oldest_Neurosurgeon_Turns_100 | They don't make them like they used to. Well, that old adage is being proved every day in Fredericksburg, Virginia, where a doctor has devoted an entire lifetime to helping others. Brian Scott has the story. This week, Carl Wainwright will be 100 years old. This can-do senior is still doing what he loves most, performing life-saving surgery on the human brain. The secret to a long, long life is doing the things that you love to do.
Dr. Wainwright is head of neurosurgery at St. Christopher's Hospital in East Fredericksburg, Virginia. That's a position he's held for over three-quarters of a century and counting. Patients appreciate his expertise. Well, a short time ago, I discovered I had a brain tumor and I was devastated. But we remember Dr. Wainwright, and he's been performing the surgery for years, 800 to 3,000 times, he says. Dr. Wainwright earned his medical degree in 1930. Modern neurosurgical techniques had yet to be invented. I got this in France in 1941, we used to operate with. But even a career as distinguished as Dr. Wainwright's has not been without setbacks. In 1980, after treating stroke victims for nearly half a century, Dr. Wainwright suffered a stroke himself.
It erased five years of his memory. That was the time. I don't know.
But he hasn't let his personal challenges stop him from helping those in need. I'm so happy that I chose Dr. Wainwright because he really stole my bicycle. Who knows how many more years he'll serve the residents of this fortunate community. But one thing's for sure, Dr. Wainwright shows no signs of stopping.
You're always older than you feel. For the Onion News Network, I'm Brian Scott. A heartwarming tale. Next up, lumber has replaced children as America's most valuable resource. |
dropout | Cream_for_Stepfather | Thank you. Thank you so much for being here again. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. Yay.
Rekha is a busy girl. I think she's in New York right now doing very exciting things for Dropout. So we're excited that she's there.
And we love Janie. Thank you. This is a win-win. I love it. I feel at home here. And of course, we love you.
Thank you so much for being here, whether you're listening to us wherever you get podcasts, whether you're watching us on CH2, or whether you're at our favorite place to see us. And you get to be the first ones to see us if you have Dropout. Dropout subscribers are the first ones to catch not only Erotic Book Club, but all of our podcasts, Tales from the Closet, Adventure Academy, as well as all of our shows. D20 has a brand new season that's finishing up, probably by the time that you're watching this. Paranoia is in full gear, so lots of fun things going on. And our favorite part of Dropout is the Discord, where we get to talk directly to you guys and really make you feel like you're part of our book club, which you are.
I have some comments. I made most of them all Kate-themed. Kate is my fiance, for those of you who have watched multiple of these. And a bunch of people commented on her and the things that she did. And I thought it was so cute. I wrote them all down.
Orionox said, did Kate try to drink out of a fake candle? If you're listening to this without visuals, we have a bunch of fake candles around. And she did. It's a running gag. If we go to a restaurant, she likes to do it. And it always cracks me up because she can't be drinking candles. That's crazy. She's a crazy lady. It would be horrible if she tried. Does she ever do it with a real candle and come close to burning her face?
No, she's very good. OK, good. She's a professional. She's a prankster. Yeah.
Small Snoot, Small's snot, had to physically sit down after listening to Kate's erotica. Whoa, physically sit down. Instead of figuratively sit down. Their knees were shaking. They're like, ooh, I got to sit down.
And then Jimbles drew a picture of Kate's erotica, which if you didn't get a chance to listen to the Superman episode, Kate wrote her own erotica about Batman and Superman making love. And Jimbles drew a gorgeous, very too thick Superman and Batman's making love. And then finally, a not Kate themed one, but Miss Atomic Bomb after the Superman one.
We talked a lot about consent and respecting yourself. And she was just very thoughtful to share a story inspired by that. And the theme of it was kind of treating people with respect. And I just think you're so awesome. And thank you for sharing that in our Discord because we love that.
So moving on to the topic for today, we have read this week Cream for Stepfather by Celia Stiles. Truly the best title of any erotica. There's truly a lack of adverb or something in there. Subtlety.
Cream for my, it's just like Cream for Stepfather. Cream for Stepfather. He liked it. Cream for Stepfather.
It feels like guttural. It does, yeah. It feels extra nasty for sure.
So we knew we would need some experts to dive into something. Just reading the title, you all get this visceral reaction cream for Stepfather. So we had to bring in some experts with us. We are so lucky to have our incest expert.
Please welcome Lily. Wow. Huge aficionado. A huge expert. Thank you so much for being here.
Are there any incest facts or anecdotes that you could share with us? Absolute. Incest expert makes it sound like I have partaken in incest. And I just want to clarify that is not what that means. Yes, Lily has not partaken in incest.
Just a fan of it. Yeah, just a fan of it. Just a big fan. Wink, wink.
I'm an only child, so actually I feel like incest feels way more in a fantasy realm for me. I think people with siblings are like, uh, incest. And I'm like, my family's very small.
None of us have ever fucked. Feel safe.
This is very funny, because before this podcast started, you were telling me how your mom likes to stalk you on the internet. So this would be a nice thing for her to find.
It's true. And then Janie, would you like to introduce? Oh, am I an expert? No. Oh. Because usually I introduce you.
I'm sorry. Oh, my god. Well, this is really embarrassing that I don't remember your name. I'm so sorry.
Oh, that's OK. This is Kanuti. Kanuti. Yes. I can handle this one. Kanuti is here as our step-family expert. Yes.
I have studied it. I know very much about it, step-families. And I can tell you any facts you need to know.
You are actually a part of a step-family. I am a part of two separate step-families. Whoa, how does that work? Well, my parents were divorced when I was five. And then both of them remarried. And they don't speak to each other. So it's like two very distinct, different separate step-families. Wow. Interesting. Is anyone else a part of a step-family? I'm not either. We had cousins living in my house. We had a duplex, and my aunt and those siblings did. So that's probably closer to incest than step.
Yeah. Moving on. Fun facts about all of us.
If you did not get a chance to read along, cream for stepfather. The characters that you'll need to know is Natalie. She is the stepdaughter. And Robert is the stepfather.
I don't think we really delve into any other characters besides those two. It's pretty much just the story of these two. Our story starts off chapter one.
Natalie is at school. She's driving in her car. She's stressed out. A bunch of exams have happened. She's about to go home to have a little bit of time off. But something else has happened while she's at school. She's going through a breakup.
The guy that she has been seeing kind of on and off casually has texted her or called her. I don't remember how it happened. And then they broke up. I think he texted her. I think he texted her, too.
Yeah. It's like a lot of backstory, I think, to humanize her and show what state she's in. Yeah. I did like the way it was written, though. It felt very much. Because she was like, it's not heartbreaking, but I'm still kind of pissed off about it. She felt empowered. It felt more like I'm now in a position to make better decisions after what has happened. Yeah. Yeah, I really liked that. I liked that it wasn't like, the love of my life is gone. It's like, oh, this dude I was just kind of hooking up with, and now that's done. It felt like it made her feel very real to me right away, as opposed to maybe other ones who always feel like, I'm just a very poor, sad student who loves to do charity every second of the day when I get a chance. It's like, no, I was just like, fucking this dude, and it didn't work out.
I will say that for a long time, it was like, this is the college I went to. Final exams happen in this way. And here's what I'm studying. And the college is actually 1,500 people.
And I was like, OK, when do we get the right name? It was all right. If you're not fucking all those 1,500 people, we've got to move on. As someone who has never read Pay to Read erotica, just like free short little stories online, I'm like, this is a lot of back story. Yes, this is a lot.
Really? And we also have like, we always have like the fake filler name for a college. It's like, OK, what kind of school are we talking about?
Yurdley? Or Yurdley? Yurdley.
It feels like that's a Yale-y type. An Ivy League.
I got the vibe, yeah. Yeah. Just let you know what she is like. Just name it. Just say what school it actually is. Maybe that would put your own prejudices on it, and this would be part of the fantasy. Yeah.
She is looking forward to spending time with her mom, who pretty much all of them growing, her entire time growing up, was single. Even in her late 30s, she still looked fantastic somehow. Could you imagine like a 38-year-old woman? Late 30s, one-year-old hag, and her 21-year-old daughter. There was a lot of talk about like, don't worry, even though she is an ancient, disgusting 30-year-old. She looks pretty good.
And then with him, too, it was like, even though he's 50. I know. Right? You know, he's like quite young. He gets 20 years different. No one would ever say to a man, oh, God, even though he was in his late 30s, he still had it going on. I know. Someone would still suck him off.
So she was, oh, like the hottest mom around. All the divorced dads want her. But she just was waiting for just the right guy, and that is when she met Robert.
Important to know in erotica that everybody wants to fuck these characters. That's how you know they're hot. Hotty hotties.
He's in his early 40s. He's desperately smart, with the kind of nervous grin that sent every waitress we ever had into a manic flutter. I also had questions about that. Let's all see what we think that nervous grin looks like. What does that mean? Because I sat there, and I was trying to be like, what's with a sexy, nervous, like. That would send you into a manic flutter?
That makes waitresses. To a waitress. Waitresses wait on lots of people.
Maybe something like. I'm in a manic flutter right now. It's a bit of like a Hugh Grant. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, Hugh. It was kind of the vibe I got, like a very like, oh, oh. Oh, that's fun.
What does desperately intelligent mean? Those two words don't go together. Just his whole description. I was like, what does that mean? There's a lot of adjectives that are just thrown in there.
Is it like Hugh Grant, though? Just dreamy. It was kind of the vibe I got. Like, oh, it's so unattainable. He's just so smart in a way that I can't even wrap my brain around. Well, I would say Hugh Grant is really good. I was imagining more like a Dennis Quaid type.
I looked up men in their 50s who are actors, and I made a list. And Dennis Quaid didn't make the list, but I looked up men in their 50s.
Make it say yay or nay. Robert Downey Jr. If we wanted him to play Robert, a little too confident for this role. Colin Firth. Oh, yeah. Definitely can see that. I'm seeing British now. Russell Crowe.
He's too angry. No, yeah. Too angry, not desperately intelligent.
He's like such a sock. His head is just melting.
Nicolas Cage. No. Scary. Laurence Fishburne. OK. Paul Giamatti. No.
I used to have a really big crush on Paul Giamatti. I think he's fun. Like in Sideways, I was like, I would just love to chill with him. Oh, yeah. Like roll down a nothing hill. He did a string of great movies, American Splendor. I loved him in that, even though he's like this hairy, disgusting man. You're attracted to talent. I think I am.
Benicio Del Toro. He's a little rugged. Yeah. A little too rugged. Mark Ruffalo.
OK. Yes. That is a yes. OK. Wow.
We could cast this in your book. We're all the same page.
Cream for Ruffalo.
Jamie Foxx.
Ken Watanabe. Watanabe.
It's just people from John Wick. These are three actors from John Wick.
Lawrence Richburn was too, right? Or Ken Watanabe was in, sorry, Detective Pikachu, which I just watched last night. He was in Detective Pikachu.
That's what made me horny for him. Yeah, I see. I was like, oh, I forgot how hot that guy was. And then I thought maybe he could be in the movie. OK. So it sounds like Mark Ruffalo. I think so. I think he got the part. Yeah, he got the part.
Her stepfather is Mark Ruffalo.
OK. I know we're going right into the story, but can I talk about some before stuff? Is that OK? Of course you may.
The cover, I couldn't tell if the color tint on my screen was wrong, but is his torso bright purple? It did look that way. Oh, I think that that is pulled from a stock image gallery. And whatever tint it has, it's from someone's faulty computer. You don't think the author has any control over that?
It's just like torso with too many abs. It's like 20 abs.
Like four too many. Why purple? Wow. And it was sort of like Wizard of Oz, sort of purple-y.
And also there was only one review. And I only noted that because in the previous book, which I almost read, there were like a ton of reviews. I'm like, this book is popular, this book, one review.
And it was full of spoilers, because the whole review was just like, man, it's really sad her mom died, but I'm glad they got those twins. I'm glad she had twins. And I was like, so I was reading the story the whole time and expecting her mom to be dead and for her to get pregnant with twins. I noticed that too.
Neither of those things happened. I didn't know what this review was about. I wonder if it's about the second story, which we're going to read, or if it's about the second part, because we just read part one, and they were talking about the whole series.
Yeah, well there is Cream, there's the Cream for our Craving Stepdad trilogy, and this is part of our series. And this is one Cream for Stepdad.
In the book that we bought, there's a second one, but it's almost an anthology series, a Black Mirror, if you will. Right, and I will. We're the Black Mirror.
Yes, if ever, Radhika. And it has nothing to do with these characters. So we just read the one to keep things simple. It's Radhika that really liked it.
So maybe the mom dies. That's probably the only way you could really have these two together, conscionably. Well, yeah, in the next one, which wasn't assigned, but I read it. Extra credit. The mother is fully dead, yeah. Oh, really? And does she have twins? So I didn't make it to the very end, I'll be honest. So I'm like, now I'm wondering, did that girl have twins? Maybe it was a review of the second story. Well, in this book, the mom might as well have been dead.
Oh, my gosh. Right?
The whole time, I had to get in. I had that review in my head, thinking that the stepdad was covering up that the mom had died. I was reading the story in such a complicated way. I was like, oh, the mom didn't cheat and leave.
He murdered her. The mom actually died, and he doesn't want to tell her yet, because it's too hard. After they fuck in the study, they pull a book, and it opens up the bookcase, and the mom is dead. Is she dead there? Because it did paint a very unflattering picture of this mother.
Well, we're about to get in that right now. So we'll all pull this in.
So she pulls up to the house, and the house is very quiet. And usually it's not, because two grown adults live there. So it's just bustling with noise. She almost misses the house that she grew up in.
Every time.
She'll accidentally drive by for two hours. That's insane. I was like, does she live in Hawaii or something? That's the only place where I've ever been that lost. It's hard to identify roads and relatable.
She goes to Yrdsly. She goes to Yrdsly, guys. Yrdsly, girl. Once you've Yrdsed.
So she pulls in, and just Robert is home. And she could tell something is weighing on him. He's very upset. And her mother isn't there. And she asks him why. And he lets her know, your mother and I are breaking up.
She's at your sister's house. Well, first, she's at your sister's house. The mom's sister. The mom's sister's house. Yes, she's an only child. And then the mom is just with her sister for the entire book. And the daughter hears this information and goes, well, she has her sister to help her out.
So I'll just chill with you, man, that I'm not related to. And that was the craziest thing to me. May I chime in as the step-family expert here? Yes, of course. We need some expertise here. Because this truly, I was.
Happens all the time? Really happens all the time?
I was like, this was hard for me to suspend disbelief. Because I was like, OK, what? If I was coming home from college to see my mom, she would be thrilled. And we would have made plans. And it sounded like they kind of had. And then if I got home and my mom was just not there, and it was like, oh, yeah, she just kind of forgot you were coming into town, I'd be like, what?
And then she says, should I give her a call? And he's like, no. And then she just doesn't even give her a call. And I decay about Natalie and Robert. But I would never then go, well, I guess, Mike, we're going to spend the evening together.
Right. Yeah. That would be insanity. She doesn't even shoot off a little text or anything. To even confirm it, this is accurate information. Yes.
And her mom is dead. It's the mother in town. The mother is dead.
I like the mystery version of this so much more now. You need to rewrite one where he's actually a murderer.
Maybe this is so in the pattern of the mother. It's not even surprising. This is just how she is. She's just constantly doing stuff like this.
I was wondering if that was it, too. Because I was like, maybe that's just their family dynamic, that it was super chill.
My mom would never allow that. She would have driven up to college to see me and her sister. And she would have been like, we got to go do something else. I don't know. Her mom raised her as a single mother.
It sounds like they're super close. I know. But I think it's good.
Given the story, I appreciated that they made it clear they are not close. Because then it didn't feel like an F-you to the mom with the things that happened later. I think the problem when you try to justify stuff in a story that's not going to make sense is that you really start to pick it apart. But if it just doesn't make sense from the get-go, then you just get.
If she was just like, my phone no work. It's broken. I don't text.
I'd be like, yeah, sure, whatever. But they tried to make it so believable. I think they did a pretty good job of justifying. I just think it felt so out of the realm of my own reality. I was like, this would never happen. I'd be like, OK, bye dude. Someone who knows step families, it is out of the realm of possibility. You would check it. That's good to know. You would micromanage everybody's emotions. Yeah, I was reading this. I was like, this must be how step families operate, I guess.
It's not. I tell you what, it's not. It's good to know. OK. So they're breaking up.
Even though he's close to 50, he still looked pretty great. So our first little glimmers of eyeing him up. But it's still all pretty innocent.
He was tall, with broad shoulders, with toned arms, and long fingers. That is why he just was long fingers. I was like, hm. Do you ever notice the length of someone's fingers? It made me think of him Beetlejuice when his arms fell. They must be really long. Yeah, long fingers would creep me out. I guess they must have highlighted that.
I mean, imagine if you were getting set up with someone in the top three. Like, give me three qualities, you know? I was like, well, they're. Three, I only need one.
How long are they? Three inches. How many inches?
And I mean fingers. I mean pinky finger. Is that supposed to be like a dick thing? Maybe. You know what they say?
Long fingers. They say big hands. They do not say long fingers. They say lengthy, spindly fingers. A small, little hand, but lengthy finger. If you have a short pinky, you have a huge dick. As long as they were wide.
I also wrote down a question for the ladies. Have any of you guys been with an older dude? Or an older woman?
Yes. We don't have to get into it. Can we qualify? So this age gap, I think, is around if she's in her 20s, I would say a 30 year age. That's OK. Yeah. That's older.
I've been there. I've done it.
And I recognize some of the things that she says in it. It was kind of like a first experience of like being paid the most attention to in a way that felt like mature. Mature. Let me ask you this could be, you know what I'm to answer? Like, did it feel at all odd? Like, was there a party that was like, oh, they are significantly older? Oh, yeah. There's definitely a part in the back of your mind where it's like, you know, I did it in my early 20s. And I think it's kind of looking back now, it's easier to be like, oh, I was pushing my boundaries and like doing this and that and seeing what I liked. But at the time, it was kind of like, oh, it's hot. I know.
It's just hot. It's a little forbidden. So it's hot.
Looking back, I'm OK with my actions. But I'm now judging them.
I'm like, if you're 35, why are you fucking me, a 21-year-old? Oh, for sure, right? You guys are a 32-year-old woman. I'm like, I would never do.
An 18-year-old just stinks like shit. Oh, they're so smelly, all 18-year-olds. They're just nasty little pigs. Shout out to all the 18-year-olds in this world. 18-year-old pigs. Nasty little pigs.
Getting none of this.
One of the times that I hooked up with a significantly older person, or like this is the first time, it was like very sort of hot and taboo. But then once it sort of started, I was like, oh, your skin, the elasticity in your skin is so much different from the elasticity in my skin. And then that was sort of like a physical. And then also, before we hooked up, he sent me a dick pic, but it was almost Renaissance. And it was.
How old was he? He literally was from the Renaissance. Was he 200 years old? He was Da Vinci, actually. He was Da Vinci.
He was in his 40s, but he sent a dick pic, but his dick was flaccid in it. And it was him in a mirror, and it was like an ornate mirror. And then flaccid, and I was like, is this something? He was trying to show off the mirror and not the dick.
I can afford this mirror. I got a picture from William Sonora. I got some better than West Al. Restoration hardware, little lady.
What's funny to me, too, is that shows a different generational use of the phone, of social media. That is also coming into play. It's like, you don't fully understand the norms of the dick pic here. You also got an older dick pic. I did get a dick pic from the same man.
I think he wrote on it something like, this is for you. And I was just like, thank you. Yeah, people wrote messages differently that it's too addressee, tear chest, sincerely your lover. This tis my penis. Have you ever sent a reciprocal private part photo? Oh, yeah, for sure, yeah.
I have never said vagina. I don't feel like an out of context vagina makes sense.
Oh, you take so many because it's like, is this right? I don't know. My cousin's a lawyer. And he said, any time you put a photo on any device anywhere, you've got to believe every single person can see it. Oh, for sure. And I'm fine. Yay, you're one of the world.
Check it out. I've sent some bits. Go to justbutt.com.
I was going to say also about the older thing. When I was having casual sex in my early 20s, I feel like the oldest I ever got was mid 30s. And that's how I know sometimes our sexual preferences live in that fantasy realm. Because I'm like, I like May, December stuff, the idea of a 50-year-old with an 18-year-old, but purely in the realm of fantasy. Because any time a 50-year-old would hit on me, inside I'd be like, oh, oh, oh, get away. I'd be like, this is wrong. I'd prefer someone younger than older.
Really? Interesting. Yeah. So you like somebody who doesn't know what to do. A dirty little child pig. Exactly.
Like how much younger? Well, I'm about to be 33. And so also going back to understanding where you were at that time, I know myself. And when I was thinking, I don't think I would go much younger at 33. Because the 20s are very different than the 30s, I feel.
Yeah. Even thinking of myself in my 20s, oh, it was insanity. I think it's all like, I can deal with that. It's so much like performative sex rather than sex for actual pleasure, I feel like. Yeah, totally. Or you're thinking about what it is instead of just having it. Which is all losing. Because you're like, I'm going to make sex. Yeah.
I think my guy was close to 50 or 50. And then my parents found out about it. And my dad asked if I had dad issues. What? And I was like, if you ask me that, what the fuck do you think? Are you crazy? How did they find out? They met him. Oh, were you dating him? Casually, kind of. It was a very weird time in my life. And your dad said, do you have dad issues? Yeah. Oh my god. I have a weird family. And what did you say? Were you like, well? Maybe. I mean, in my mind, I was just like, if somebody asks you, what do you think?
But you can't say that. You just don't know everything's fine. It's my case, my case. I definitely don't think like, I know that's a stereotype, like liking older people or whatever is a parent thing. I don't think so. Yeah.
No, I've just always, even as a kid, I always kind of wanted to hook up with a teacher. And he was like in a teacher position. It was a fantasy, for sure. And then it just kind of died. All my crushes when I was like in middle school were like 60 plus. My, honestly, the kind of guy I have evened out to a more appropriate age over time, they've gotten from older to middle to my age. That's so funny.
There's nothing like fucking a little baby. But don't you think it is kind of hot when someone like Madonna or J-Lo or with these much younger guys, like I kind of think that's hot. Everything J-Lo does is hot.
It's true. Fair. Well, also, J-Lo, despite being over 30, looks fantastic. Yeah, somehow. I think she might be in her 50s now.
So by all accounts, she should be dead. But hell. She's dead to me.
If she's looking like a hot 20-year-old, a perfect 20-year-old. Because that would be my concern with a young man is I'd be like, with a young man. Let's become a young boy.
That's what I'm talking about. Speaking of perfect 20-year-olds, our lead Natalie and the guy are now kind of like consoling each other She's a history major studying women's study. He is a writer who writes nonfiction. So history is involved in that. So they chat about that.
He offers her a glass of wine.
And that was the first time I was like, ooh. So you kind of know what you're doing right there. You know. You've gone through these steps before.
I like that they went to the trouble to make the little detail of like, she still makes a face when she has the first of the wine. That was odd. I think they do it to show that she's like, yum. It was weird. Oh, you guys didn't like it?
She reminded me of when I was in my early 20s. I think it said she's 23.
And I was like, yeah, you drink wine, but you don't necessarily like it yet. Yeah. I guess by that point, I was like, wine's my jam. If it had been like, do you want to have a vodka shot? For sure. Yeah, that's right. And then you're like, what? I think they wrote that because it was like, ooh, yucky, an adult drink.
Do you have this in a sippy cup? I want a bottle. I only know how to drink out of a bag. A sippy cup.
Oh, she describes having like, a flutter in her stomach. So she's like, getting the vibes from him. They're kind of feeling each other out. He starts asking about a boy in her class, which at this point, I was like, come on, dude. Like, you really know what you're doing right now. He's like, so how's that guy in your class? And she's like, what guy? But they both like, kind of know who they're talking about.
I did write, too, what do you guys think is happening with the mom and sister at the other house? Yeah, what's going on? Do you think they're hooking up? Good. Is that usually what happens during a breakup? That is what happens with stepnays. That's what happens.
If the mother is somewhere, she's hooking up with a step person. It should be equal opportunity incest.
For sure. So then she, of course, spills her wine because she's a clumsy little gal. And he's helping to dab it off of her titties, I'm sure. Yeah, that immediately isn't right. If anyone ever spills on the front and the other person dabs it, you might as well fuck. Yeah. Unless, of course, she knows something's going down.
I really, really had to not imagine my stepdad, Mike, doing that. I was like, ugh.
And we have cream for him. Cream for Ruffalo. It's just a brand of Lay's chips. Cream for Ruffalo.
No, this is not slander. We're saying, like, thank you, Mark, for your service. Yeah, what's the opposite of slander? These are positive things. Compromise. We're complimenting cream.
I was trying to think of something that rhymed, but. Yeah, I was trying to do too.
Candor.
So they're just about to kiss, and they stop themselves. And then she runs off to her bedroom and kind of thinks about him all night. She feels the kiss.
She doesn't even see it. Her eyes are closed.
Yeah, it's like. She feels his breath, and then it stops. I was like, that's it. You're having, like, feeling breath. Yeah, which you got to be careful if he's, you know, in his 50s, that might be a heart attack coming off his head.
Yeah, you're like, do you smell toast? I smell toast in the air. I did like that. Yep, you smell toast there having a heart attack.
That we, like, I mean, when I was reading it, I was like, somebody fuck already. But I'm like, oh, it's nice to have, like, night. This book, it definitely made you want it. For a second, too, I was like, oh, god, I thought they were just going to get to it. But then it kind of had a nice, like, lingering waiting for it, just the right amount of time. And she had, I loved these moments that she had to herself, because I felt like it really helped to justify everything that was happening and show that she was, like, a top of intelligence character. She was just like, I'm going to go clear my head and get some air. You know, here's the situation. It would be sad for my mom, but also we're attracted to each other. And we're adults making our own decisions. And, like, she kind of weighed the pros and cons and was like, fuck it, I'm feeling it. I'm just going to see what's up. Right. It felt like a lot of hemming and hawing for some milk toast incest.
Not even, we're not even talking about her. Not even blood relation.
It's a stepfather. So would you prefer a more? I would prefer a biological relation in a story. Absolutely. A stepfather and the mom cheated, and she's out of town.
Technically, this isn't even incest, because he's not, it's not incest. It's not. It's not even. We're not married to him. It's barely taboo.
This is your mother's boyfriend. I know. With a title like cream for stepfather, I was expecting like, OK, this is like full up. And I was expecting there to be like, they're in the house, the mom's downstairs, and they're like diddling each other nuts. Yeah.
It's not creamy at all. It's watery. It definitely doesn't live up to the nastiness of the title.
No, I thought of a yeast infection immediately. Yeah, that is more likely, yeah. Yeast infection just from you creaming on my face. Too much sugar.
So she kind of goes back and forth, and then she's finally like, you know what? I'm just going to do it. I felt something there, and I know he did too. We're both adults. And she goes home, and he's trying to act like a little sad sack dude like, oh, well, I don't know. Did you want something to happen? And she's so cool in this scene. She's like, no. Here's what's going down. Do you want fuck me or not? We felt something last night. Is this going to happen? And then he tries to bag pedal again. He's like, oh, well, I don't know. Like, you're just so pretty, and I couldn't help myself. And she's like, holds up her hand to him, and is like, stop.
Are we going to do it? Or talk to the hand. Is that how you ever started sex? Stop. We're going to have sex. Stop. Talk to my long fingers about it. Stop.
It's like that she didn't allow him to do this kind of like, oh, but you're just so pretty, so I couldn't help. It's really your fault, isn't it? She was like, no. He also is like, we want fuck. We're into each other. Do you want to or not?
His adjectives for her are like, you're so smart and beautiful and funny, which I appreciate. Those are three great traits.
But I'm like, where is she funny in this story? Did you not read the banana peel scene? The wacky intro? She's the class clown at Yard's Lane. Yeah.
The weirdest problem with all erotica is like, not enough jokes, not funny, girl enough. We should write funny erotica. Is there funny erotica? I mean, I think unintentionally funny, but never with a character. Any time a character is funny, they're usually just saying racist or sexist things.
I'm like, right, everybody? Everyone's like, yeah. Oh boy, this guy.
That's hilarious. I'm glad this one doesn't have any erotica comedy in it. Attempted jokes.
So after she was like, well, what's happening? He was like, come upstairs. I thought we were going to enter a Christian Grey BDSM room. No, well, he says, come to my study. He says, come to my study. The one place in my house that is just mine. And I was like, oh, there are going to be some whips. Right, a sex swing or something.
Did you think that? I thought maybe, yeah. We could get into some stuff. Oh, I didn't think that.
But I definitely, there was some weird symbolic emphasis of the room. Because he was like, this is my domain, and anything that happens in here doesn't count. A lot of it's just the shittiest little room, too. It has a fucking globe that doesn't spin.
I needed a bunch of dummies for whatever. Definitely it was very vague any time they talked about his work or her work.
She'd be like, we're studying some really interesting 18th century history you might like. And he's like, oh. At one point, she's in a women's study class. And he's like, I might give some women history a try. I mostly learned about men.
I was like, is this a woke moment? It was a little too woke for me. Too woke for mama. A too woke for mama.
And then finally, we get to the set. Yay, we made it. Finally. We made it. We're here.
His erection sprang from his boxers. It's kind of like a push up on the table sort of situation.
And he eats her out first, which I always love. Recommend. Respectful.
She says he hungrily ate me out as if it was his last meal. And then that made me think of The Last Supper. What's going on under that table? I'll set you up a Judas.
Oh my god.
Yeah, so her panties are soaking wet. He loves to hear her moan. Oh yeah, this gorgeous older man hungrily eating me. He's eating her out a lot over the panties.
And I'm like, how does that work? Oh, you've never done that? Yeah, I'm open to that. It's wonderful.
I guess mine go off immediately. Well, eventually you get them off. But if the panties are on and then licking that, it feels like a nice little, you know, you just switched up the texture.
It's in a moose boosh.
For sure. Well, and because then it's like, you better use some pressure because that's all you've got. Because pressure's on, baby. You know, I mean, try what you want. It depends on the panties too. Yeah, mine are all thick, I guess. Oh man, I wear like, yeah. I wear Depends.
Get those puppies off me. Through my adult diaper. I'm not feeling anything through those.
Dress up on my back. I laughed in a way that moved my back wrong. I hurt my back recently.
Oh my god. I'm being propped up by a pillow right now. OK. So that happens. And then she's like, I'll return the favor and gets a little forceful on her own and pushes him up, ooh, excuse me, against the bookcase and is like, may I? Which I like too, like may I suck you off, please? And he's like, oh, duh.
No respect to the infrastructure of the space.
They're so fucking, earlier she'd been like, I'm going to go in and just throw the things off his desk. And then once they actually go and do it, I'm like, does he have nothing? Yeah, then he has a cardboard box and they put everything in one at a time. And he's like, ooh, don't touch that, I'll wrap that up.
Because at one point, he lays her on the desk and then he's on top of her. And I'm like. On the desk? I thought they were doing it, so after the sucking off, then they do it from behind is what I thought. Which I love too, one of my favorite positions. I just thought this was a great sex scene.
And he gets a condom. He puts a condom on.
I was surprised you could not get your ex's daughter pregnant that night. I feel like I've read quite a bit of Veronica at this point. This is maybe the first condom I've seen. I've never, it was alarming for me. I had not seen one.
I know, she did say come inside me later. And I was kind of like, well, come inside the condom.
Oh, it does make me a bit suspicious about him because if he's in a long relationship with the mother and we're, oh, we forgot to say at the fireplace, the mom cheated. That's the reason why we hate the mom. They've justified it. Actually, the mom's a big bitch. We don't feel for the mom at all.
No, you cheat once, and then you hurl it, you whore. What are you doing with condoms?
This thing is expired because you've had it for a while. These two have been together for a while. Because you know she's late 30s, so she's post-menopausal. She's so old.
Those eggs are dead. The condom is going to go on the mystery cork board, though, because I think you're right, yeah.
Just don't poke it in the middle. Don't poke it.
In long-term relationships sometimes, do use condoms. Yeah, they do. Because people don't.
Birth control is a very wrong and needless act. Also, women over 35, there's precautions about blood clots on certain hormonal birth controls. All the pressure is on women to use birth control, and it's so hormonally fucked, yeah.
It really is horrible, and it's fucked. It's horrible as fucked.
I love that this got brought up. I apologize to anyone who is in a long relationship that I implied wearing a condom would be weird. I'm also in a big old gay relationship, so we've been unprotected for a while.
Get some condoms in there.
Get some long fingers. You know what? Kate does have some long fingers. I don't want to brag.
So they come. The grand finale, it's incredible. Oh, he's like fucking her hard. And then they come.
Immediately afterward, he's like, you're great, but I got to figure some stuff out before we do this regularly. And I'm like, god, you suck. She's so cool and with it. We did so much work to get to the point where the sex felt like earned and no questions, like we're here.
And then we're backtracking now. So are you going to stay all afternoon? She's like, this is my mom's house, you dweeb. I know. Maybe you'll come back to my studies some time.
The sex could have been longer for how long we had to read. Also, the coming. I feel like the coming is a lot of what I'm excited to read about. It wasn't a big grand finale. And then I came.
What?
You want to live in that coming. Live in the coming. I want to live in the coming.
But there was a lot of sort of helpful information, if this is accurate, about how to give a ball blow job. Whoa, that's a great one. Can we go into detail?
I don't think I took any notes. Because, well, I took some notes on this.
Doesn't she put them in her mouth? She's pushing his cock back a little. I lowered my head further, taking each of his balls into my mouth one at a time, sucking at the little ridge between them, and licking across his sensitive skin.
From what I understand. I had a hard time hearing something and visualizing it. So what exactly does that mean?
The balls are here. I guess the skin between them. Betwixt? Yeah. Between the two balls. Yeah. OK. But you cannot twist them. All the time I've been going, whoo!
That will result in testicular torsion, where you lose flow to one of the testicles. And it's very dangerous and painful. Oh my god, that's why all the men I sleep with die. Oh my god, they set up their balls.
Also, a lot of, I forgot about this, but in the blow job, a lot of talking about creating a seal. Seal. I've heard about that. You like, basically, with your hand and your mouth, you make it like a. Keep it airtight. Airtight.
Otherwise, it'll lose its freshness. Of course it spoils. It gets rotten. Rotten and so soft.
But yes, the testes' situation was unique, I think. It was unique. And it made me go, do I need my testi-gate? I feel like a partner will tell you if the testes are on the table, am I wrong?
That's not one that you're starting on. Oh, I think you could just go for it. And then if they don't. I think I've kind of always gone for it, but maybe that's inappropriate.
Yeah, but I did know one person early on that was like, pull them hard. Oh, really? And I was like, harder? It's like, when did I get you at the bar and give me a drink? Like, what's hard? Like, show us how. Like, pull down. You know, like, give me your hand. Like a trucker. Like, like a pull, like, pull hard. A pull outward? I don't know. Like, it was like a lot. I was like. Out and up. And then from then on, for everybody else, I'm like, do you want me to pull them hard?
Everyone's like, no! Absolutely not.
I really, it's hard for me to understand what's going on down there. I really don't know. I'm open, but I don't, I just, I'm like, this is literally, I'm kind of new to balls.
I remember the first time I ever gave a blowjob, I slobbered so much. I was like, oh, I know they like it wet. It was like a little river of saliva like going down his chest looking back now. I'm like, how fucking embarrassing. That's amazing. I gave a blowjob, was in a basement. And I mean, of course, we were kind of quick. But I guess, like, my teeth right here were kind of like dragging a little bit. And then at the end, he was like, or he was making sounds that were kind of like, ah. And I was like, jeez, love it.
More. Like cheese. Yeah.
And then there were two lines along the whole shaft. And then I went to school a couple of days later. And the whole soccer team was calling me Jaws. And they would go, hmm. No. I was like, that is bullying. And I'm about to file a report with your school board. How long did they call you Jaws for? It's horrible. Oh, a while. It was fun.
That boy deserved to get his dick bit off. Well, also, in my defense, it was a big. It was one of the biggest dicks I've ever seen. And I was like, how would my teeth not go all over it?
That's his fault. Hashtag blessed. He should have warned me. I would have been like, why are you telling people?
No, he should not tell. No, it's his high school.
We'll find him. I'm going to find him.
It was high school. It was whatever. I'm mad.
I'm going to shave two inches off his little dick. She's got him. Almost getting him. With a nail file.
The first time I read, I also like a lot of teeth. But I also feel like, if you're a 17-year-old boy, you don't know what a blowjob feels like. So how dare you critique me? Because now, I'm like, yeah, sometimes your teeth get in there. You can't help them. They're in your mouth. What do you want me to take them out and just suck you off with perfect suction? I was so nervous about my teeth when giving blowjobs. I feel like you'd be like, oh.
Well, that's how it's going to be with someone in their 30s who has dentures. Because then they can just get out. Well, that's how you got to date an old head who's 35. Throw a bone to a disgusting 30-year-old every now and then.
She can pop all her teeth out. Pop out her dentures.
Oh, my god. How does this book end? Where's this page? It kind of ends abruptly.
It's basically like, she kind of agrees. She's like, yeah, I got to figure some stuff out, too. And he's like, well, maybe we could do it every now and then again in my study if you want to. And she's like, yeah, I'd be into that.
Only in the study. I really needed more descriptors about the study. Yeah. About the study? What would you like it to look like? Like the one in My Fair Lady? Like the library in Atonement, but small. I don't know.
Ooh, I love that. Ooh, that's a sexy library. OK, so Mark Ruffalo is in Atonement. I'm loving this. Yeah. Mark Ruffalo in Atonement would be very cute. Just like, oh, hey, everybody.
I imagine the den in my growing up where we had three old computers we never knew how to get rid of. And a chair with just a bunch of stuff on it.
It was in a very sexual location. I imagine whenever I watch House Hunters or those home shows, and they show you, I don't know, bougie-ass house with a little study right on the side in the front. I thought, too, are those blinds closed? Because it's usually the corner that all the neighbors might see, which maybe that's another part of it. I guess I imagined a windowless room which doesn't exist. A dungeon? A little cave?
Was there a cream in the book, like coffee cream? There was no. Well, they did talk about coffee. Two sugars, no cream.
Two sugars, just the way he likes it. Just the way daddy likes it.
She doesn't cream. All the cream was inside. Whoa, the cream was inside us. The cream was inside us.
It's like Space Jam. It's just like Space Jam.
Are we going to talk about the last sentence? Oh, I do. I have it circled. So the book, after being what I thought was pretty, almost the best written one that we've ever read, felt kind of like a, you know, at least we're understanding this character and their motive. I guess I haven't read the other one, but I was like, it felt written to me.
Yeah. The last sentence kind of brought it back down. Hey, at least I don't have to worry about him meeting my parents. Oh, there's that joke. That's funny. That is true. It totally ended the movie style. Oh, right. We forgot.
She's funny. That's how she said it. It was like, rule. She like corgi pig with no pants on.
It was like totally not the tone of the rest of the book. I really appreciated just ending on such a crazy, or it could even be Sex and the City, like, hey, I guess after all, I don't have to introduce him to my parents. Because I don't even text my mom.
Yeah. I mean, I get it. Sometimes the buttons of my sketches are pretty weak, too. So it's like. You got to end it.
Yeah, she's like, how do I end cream for stepfather? Oh, does one end cream for stepfather? But maybe she does have to introduce him to the other parent.
But it sounds like she dies. Yeah. How does mommy die? Sister? No, daddy is dead. Daddy died, but you said in the next one, mommy is dead. Yes. But how does mommy die?
Because it's not mentioned that she has any health issues.
But the next one is totally different people. It's not these people. It's totally different people.
Did you prefer the second book? Well, the second one was naughtier.
Because here's my thing. I'm all about taboo, right? I think that taboo is sexy. Doesn't matter what it is if somebody's like, you're not allowed to do that. It's not so stupid. Yeah.
That's why stepdad is so vanilla. It's pretty tame. Because also, like, stepdad could be pretty taboo. But they kept saying, like, this is my pseudo stepdad. He's barely even my stepdad.
And my mom and him are fighting. They weren't actually married. My mom's a cheating bitch.
Yeah. You want, you know. They are happily married. They are brother and sister. Absolute, yeah. They are the product of incest. I want them to be. Identical twins. Yeah, I want the mother and the father to be siblings. The highest rate of hemophilia possible if we have a child. I know. I want the most genetically dangerous pairing possible. The mom walks in and then is like, maybe I'll stay. Yeah.
I want it to just be a puddle of jeans. I thought you were going to say puddle of jizz. And puddle of jizz. Puddle of jizz.
That's my band's name. It's Christian rock.
All right. Well, ladies, that was Cream for Stepfather. Now is the time to rate our book. One being slide out of your delicious fluffy chair. And two being soaking it up. Wait, one and two? Oh, wait. Five being. No, today it's a scale from one to two. So there's decimals. Just love the story.
One is you slide out of the chair. Two is you cream out of your chair. You only get too hot.
Did I say yes or no? Yeah, you have to use decimals in between. That wasn't a, I didn't misspeak.
And then two is slippy slidey? Two is slippy slidey.
So 1.5. Well, I would give it a few categories. I know this isn't the way we do it. But literally two for title. Best title of anything in the world ever. And I think writing style, give that a two.
I really enjoyed the book. And I would honestly give it a 1.8 on the slide scale. I thought it was really well written. I thought it was well earned sex scene. And then I thought it delivered. I would have loved to live in the cum.
But you can't always get what you want. It's crazy that 1.8 feels more than like four or five. I guess because there's more options in between when we're adding these decimals. We're basically one out of 10 right now. But we skewed the scales to one to two.
You're right. Yeah. I think I would give this one a 1.9. I thought it was really well written. And I thought it was very sexy. When they had sex, it was all my favorite positions. Yeah. Everyone had a great time. Yeah. I'm a 1.3. Because I think with that title and that purple abs photo, I thought there would be more delivery on more sex, more taboo, more cream. And I feel like it did not live up to my expectations. For what it was, I thought it was sweet but tame. Yeah. That's fair. Look, I'm going to give it like a 1.2.
This could be that I kept accidentally envisioning my own house and my own stepfather. And I didn't want that. And I didn't want that either.
But I think also, yeah, when I read Cream for Stepfather, I was like, oh, it's going to be a lot of sneaking around. I should have known already because it said stepfather. Any time you're making it a step parent, you're already trying to play it safe.
Oh my god. Also, it was riddled with typos. So kind of got me out of it. Oh. I like typos. A typo turns around. The authors are vulnerable. Someone's too horny to type. Right, right, right.
What was the name of this author again? It was Celia Stiles. Celia Stiles' sister.
Yeah. Step sister. They bone.
Well, thank you all so much for being here to talk about this one. For those of you listening who read along with us, we have our next assignment, teaching a first timer in the bathhouse. Such a long title. By Tyrone Myler. And that is on Amazon. Again, teaching a first timer in the bathhouse by Tyrone Myler.
Thank you so much for being here. Thank you to our guests. Thank you. And I hope you all have a wonderful, sexy week.
A wonderful, creamy week. Creamy. Creamy ruffalo.
Hey, it's Jess. If you like College Humor and to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a quirky pair of socks that show off your fun side per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and exclusive content like the latest episodes of the Erotic Book Club Vodcast.
There's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe and it gets me. It's hot. It's really hot.
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial. That was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. I'd buy land, I guess. Oh, God. |
TheOnion | Onion_Explains_The_Israeli_Palestinian_Conflict | Providing you with the knowledge to land yourself in an extremely uncomfortable conversation at a party with a very opinionated acquaintance, we now present The Onion Explains The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. The Israeli- Palestinian conflict began in the wake of the devastating violence of World War II, when international leaders came to the sudden realization that the world no longer had a non-stop, carnage-filled conflict with which to entertain itself, and decided that the best course of action would be to lock Israelis and Palestinians in bloody, unrelenting combat for their own amusement. Global leaders worked tirelessly to engineer a conflict so intractable that it could last indefinitely, with a near-constant stream of entertaining destruction for many generations to come. The UN's plan has been so successful that it has resulted in some of the most thoroughly enjoyable displays of ideological bloodshed the world has ever seen, including the edge-of-your-seat fun of the Six-Day War, the non-stop satisfaction of the First Intifada, and the widely beloved series of Jerusalem bus bombings. While the conflict has raged for almost three quarters of a century, both Israelis and Palestinians actually favor an identical solution for ending hostilities. Israeli and Palestinian leaders have made it clear that they see eye-to-eye on virtually every facet of the proposed solution, including such provisions as seizing all territory, watching the opposition burn in righteous fire, and building a unified nation on the corpses of the enemy. And yet, they still haven't come any closer to putting a stop to the conflict. However, many Israelis and Palestinians remain hopeful that significant breakthroughs in recent years could mean that their mutual goal of total annihilation of the other side will be realized within their lifetimes. Given the lengthy and brutal history between the two rivals, there will never be peace in the region.
But hey, that doesn't mean Palestinians and Israelis shouldn't try. Everyone needs something that gives them a sense of purpose. And if getting together every once in a while to have a chat about ending their fighting is what's going to give Israelis and Palestinians a reason to roll out of bed, then that's just great. Taking up rollerblading, building a ship in a bottle, negotiating a ceasefire built on 1967 borders. All of these are wonderful ways to keep yourself active and healthy.
And it doesn't matter if the ceasefire fails to hold and hundreds and hundreds more innocent people die. Because you know what? You tried. And that's what really matters. So forget about the ingrained hate and bloodlust and just be you, Palestinians and Israelis. You're doing a great job, and we couldn't be prouder of both of you. |
dropout | grammar_nazis | Good morning, Monsieur Lapidite. I am Colonel Hans Landa of the SS. I was hoping you could invite me inside your home and we could have a discussion. Of course, please come in. Now, as you may have heard, I am in charge of rounding up all the Jews in this village. Yes, I have heard that.
Are you aware of any Jews hiding in the area? No. No, I assure you there haven't been no Jews in this village. There haven't been no Jews, so there have been some Jews. Oh, sorry, no, I meant there haven't been any Jews. No Jews here.
Sorry, I was confused by your double negative. You see, grammar is very important to the Nazi party.
Now, are you familiar with one Shoshana Dreyfus? Yes, I know her.
Me and her buy our milk at the same market. Me and her? Surely you meant to say she and I, no? Yes, of course. The trick is to take the other person out of the sentence to see if it makes sense. Me buy milk? I think not. I buy milk. You see?
I swear I do not know where Mademoiselle Dreyfus is at. Did you just send a sentence with a preposition? Forgive me, Colonel. When was the last time you saw the Jew Dreyfus? About a month ago I was walking by the river Payon and I saw Dreyfus fishing, so I went down to the riverbank to see if it was her, but I couldn't get a good view. Did you really think I was so stupid I wouldn't recognize a run-on sentence? Sorry, there was no Jews here.
Jew or Jews? Plural. Wrong! You have to match a subject with your verb.
What do you want from me? I've heard from numerous sources you are hiding Mademoiselle Dreyfus. From who? From whom?
Fill up a deed. I have one more question for you. If you answer correctly, I will leave you and your family at peace. If not, you are coming with me. Now, let's say you were writing a list. Would you or would you not put a comma before the end? It depends on whether you are following the Chicago Manual of Style or the associated press guidance.
Hiding under the floorboards, I have finally found you. Wait, you are hiding under the floorboards or is she? A dangling participant? A dangling participant. |
TheOnion | Ten_Percent_Of_U_S_High_School_Students_Graduating_Without_Basic_Object_Permanence_Skills | A new report from the National Center for Education shows that an alarming 10 percent of U.S. high school students graduate without basic object permanence skills. According to the study, a growing number of American seniors are lagging behind their international counterparts when it comes to the crucial knowledge that things don't just disappear if you're not looking at them. U.S. high schoolers have dropped to 17th in science, 25th in math, and a troubling 180th place in the basic cognitive awareness most humans develop as toddlers. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan is asking Congress to fund increased after-school disguise and reveal programs. I'm still here, right? By the time I get to high school, it's too late. You have to identify the problem between 15 months and 18 months. It's time to get the kids excited to learn the most obvious mental concepts that make us capable of functioning. Yeah, I mean, I'd like to do better. It's just, I don't know how I'm supposed to learn anything if I don't even have a teacher. I'm still here, Vanessa. Oh, God dammit. Some educators worry that too much focus placed on object permanence might take away from other important skills, such as not touching hot things that could burn you.
Next up, Quentin Tarantino responds to accusations of racism, saying, quote, Some of my best movies have black people. |
SaturdayNightLive | mister_robinson_s_neighborhood_christmas_snl | It's the beautiful day in the neighborhood. our future favorite neighbor. Won't you be my, won't you be my, won't you be my neighbor? Hello, boys and Girls.
You know, Christmas is a special time in Mr. Robinson's neighborhood. it's a time for giving. And look what Mr. Landlord gave me. it's an eviction notice. Well, that's why Mr. Robinson has to wear this Santa Claus suit to sneak in and out of his building. But it just isn't in the disguise, boys and girls. Because when I add this little kettle here, and when I add this little bell, it becomes a small business. Yes, Christmas is a season for giving and for taking. And with this little operation, I figure I'll be taking in about $300 or $400 a day. Oh, why, well, why must Christmas come but once a year? You know, another reason why Mr. Robinson likes Christmas so much, boys and girls, is because I have so much in common with Santa Claus. we both like to sneak into your house late at night. only Mr. Santa Claus likes to leave things. Mr. Robinson prefers to take a few days every now and then. Let's see what I have for Christmas today. Oh, look, a little doll baby. isn't it so cute, Boys and Girls? they're not worth a lot of money now, but through the miracle of modern science, Cabbage Patch Doll. now they're worth a lot of cabbage. I can sell these to little stupid kids for about $50 each, $50 each. Can you believe that? that's why I love Christmas.
And that's today's word, Boys and Girls. Chris Smith. you know any other words that begin with X, Boys And Girls? How about X and Girls? That be Boys And Girls. Robinson, are you the guy that sold my kid a head of lettuce with a dress on it? that reminds me of another word, Boys and Girls, that begins with X, X-gate.
Well, I'll see you later. And remember, tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll visit you tomorrow when you sound asleep. Goodbye, Boys and Girls.
Yeah. Yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. |
TheOnion | Spam_Crackdown_Threatens_Koy4Goff_s_Penis_Enlarger_Industry | You've all heard that spam email is difficult to block because so much of it comes from overseas, but according to a recent report, as much as 90% of spam may in fact come from a single country, the little-known Eastern European nation of Koyforgov, which has a, quote, spam-based economy. The State Department today announced plans for economic sanctions against Koyforgov to end the tide of spam. The sanctions would prohibit Koyforgov's main exports, cheap prescription pills, ring tones, penis enlargers, and free iPods from entering the U.S. as long as the spam continues.
The Koyforgov government issued a strongly worded statement condemning the sanctions, and this morning, in affordable paradise, Koyforgov's capital city, Prime Minister Justin Mike spoke out against the measure. America has no right to condemn our way of life and make rain, rain go away. Add sizzle to your summer. The Koyforgovian people are decrying the sanctions as well.
George Clooney, a Koyforgov shop owner who makes his living giving away free money now, says without spam, he would have no means of advertising his service. How else can I let people know how to get $10,000 free just by signing up for great offers on their brand products, delivered with his next day delivery? This is your last chance to order. If the sanctions are upheld, Clooney fears he may lose the business that has been in his family for three generations. My grandfather opened this store because he knew catwalk mother's life, grander prices at the pump, luxury timepieces, best quality.
And today, an op ed in the Affordable Paradise Daily Deal read quote, I have a webcam and want to make friends with warning singles like me. But the U. S. Government is telling me I can't. It is every person's right to get into bed with local singles and put your monster inside her. For now, Koyforgov can do nothing but wait and see how the U. S. Will respond to their pleas.
Just looking for something to do. It took me forever to find you. Wow.
Add me to your MSN, Mr President. Add me to your MSN.
In the event of an economic crisis, Koyforgov neighboring nation pop up. A stand has promised to send an aid shipment of 5000 free Xbox is a free credit report and to help Koyforgov citizens find their old classmates. Should Koyforgov ignore the sanctions and continue shipping products to America, the U. S. State Department will seek funding to construct a giant national trash can off the coast of New York, where all the spam could be dumped without even looking at it first. Moving on.
Beyonce is slated to play Aretha Franklin, Grace Jones and Nat King Cole in this year's biopics.
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TheOnion | Republicans_Reach_Out_To_Women_With_New_No_Punch_Pretty_Lady_Bill | Turning to Capitol Hill, House Republicans are considering their own version of the Violence Against Women Act. The GOP hopes their new No Punch, Pretty Lady bill will finally help the party appeal to female voters. In 2012, women mad at Republicans, but Republicans not liking rape for women. In 2013, we need better no punch. No rape. Pass law. Women give big smiles at us again. Big votes. Among its statutes, the bill would introduce harsher penalties for putting fists to women's face and proposes that if ladies smell nice like flowers, no smash lady. Republican leaders are urging the party to pass the bill, calling the Senate version of the Violence Against Women Act a federal ovary. Big government no tell states what ladies to punch. States decide best.
And what if pretty lady al-Qaeda? What if she death panel? What if she Benghazi?
Yes, in some cases, punch lady. In addition to increasing funding to shelters for crying ladies hurt from doing sex with bad guys, the bill also includes applause, complimenting the nation's women for losing weight. |
cracked | 6_things_you_didn_t_know_about_the_simpsons_barbershop_quartet | Here are six things you didn't know about the Simpsons Barbershop Quartet episode, which is basically just a bunch of Beatles references. Barney replaces Chief Wiggum in the group early on, which is a reference to Pete Best being replaced by Ringo! Barney makes his own song called Number Eight, which is a reference to the Beatles' Revolution Nine. I'm taking it to strange new places!
Number Eight? Number Nine?
The poses that they're in while listening to that song are the same poses they were in when they were about to break up. Barney gets a girlfriend who's obviously Yoko Ono, and they go to Moe's Bar and she orders, Make a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat. There you go! And in 2016, at an art installation, Yoko Ono included a single plum floating in perfume in a man's hat. Anytime the quartet is harmonizing, that's actually the Dapper Dan's from Disney. George Harrison is actually in the episode as himself. It's being done. Have a very Simpsons-rest of your day. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_baby_yoda_on_his_spiritual_awakening_snl | With Disney Plus' new Obi-wan Kenobi series on the way, it's a great time to be a Star Wars fan. here to catch us up on all things Star Wars is Baby Yoda. Oh! I love you, man. say what? ooh! what's up, Baby Yoda? I love you, too.
How's life? you got a new vibe. life is all good, Michael. real good. of course, season three of Mando coming up. blah, blah, blah, blah. work, work, work. But, um, yeah, it is a very enlightening time for me because, actually, I'm spiritual now. That's right. you study the ways of the Force, right? Oh, okay. relax, nerd. you know what an Ayahuasca retreat is? Yeah, sure. yeah, so I basically did that, but with a bunch of pills and weed, and instead of a spiritual God walking us through it, my boy Tom Holland got on the ox cable, and I saw God. I was like, oh, snap! Oh! got it. Well, it sounds like a great time. just make sure you stay safe, man. No, don't tell me what to do. But, um, yeah, I'm feeling really peaceful these days, getting into crystals, rain sticks, spicy guacamole. even got a little community going, very mindful individuals.
Yeah, it's all me, Jared Leno, Santana featuring Rob Thomas, Bob the Builder, and, uh, Tila Tequila. Well, it sounds like a good crew, dude. Yeah, it's a cult, but, uh. look, I love everyone, man. even my haters. really? because you had some strong words for one hater in particular over the years. Yeah, that's true, but, uh, I'm older now. And I just want to say, baby, Groot, I know we had our issues. but I mean this from the bottom of my heart.
I really, really. don't like you. And that's how I see you. I will chop you down like palm onion, sprinkle you on my blood, and smoke you while I'm in the hot tub with your girl. that being said, I love you. and I always got your back.
What? Come on, man. I'm just a baby. Baby Yoda, everybody. Yeah! I love you, baby. |
cracked | 4_erotic_fanfiction_scenes_that_we_can_t_unsee_canonball | The wonderful world of fanfiction is where all of our wildest nerd fantasies come true. From Godzilla meeting John Wick, to Godzilla eating John Wick, to Godzilla dating John Wick, and then probably eating him anyway. Or vice versa. It's easy to write these stories off as bastardizations of beloved franchises, but creators bastardize their own IP all the time through endless reboots and self-indulgent tweetstorms. Fanfiction is a way for fans to add their voice to the cacophony, a voice that I imagine to sound like every Keanu Reeves character rolled into one. Enthusiastic, if not exactly professorial. So today, we're talking Harry Potter's grumpiest teacher diddling the Teletubbies, Professor X's x-rated romance with a famous cannibal, and the time Goku fell in love with a historical figure that you're definitely not picturing right now. This is Cannonball.
Oh, and I'm your host, professional lifeguard Jesse Eisman. These stories are going to get dangerously horny, and I'm duty bound to protect you while you're in the sploosh zone.
Professor Snape has an orgy with the Teletubbies. There's something about the Harry Potter universe that inspires particularly deranged fanfiction. There are tales about Ron Weasley's brothers hooking up with Lance Bass from NSYNC, Indiana Jones molesting Lord Voldemort, and even one where Hogwarts Castle gets it on with a giant octopus, which for some reason mostly just reminds me this castle is named after oozing pig sores. But even if you're already intimately familiar with all of those, absolutely nothing can prepare you for this alternate universe where Professor Severus Snape got to know the Teletubbies, carnally. He fucked him. The story is called Severus Snape, Professor and Lover. Snape suffers from a bad case of existential despair, despite landing a sweet gig teaching magical trust fund babies in a stinky dungeon. He files a complaint with his superior Dumbledore, saying, Sensing Snape's profound sadness, Dumbledore relents and transfers him to the sunny land of the Teletubbies. Now that the writer has properly established a plausible scenario for the characters to meet, let the boning commence. It turns out Teletubbies are really curious about sex, and who better to teach them than their new substitute science teacher? Snape, to his credit, insists that they stick to the curriculum. But the yellow Teletubby lalock says, Oh Professor!
Snape is moved by her poetic words, and decides, according to the narrator, Inuendo, you sickos. Snape creates a giant bed for himself, lala, Tinky Winky, and Dipsy, but not Poe. He's the shortest Teletubby, and Snape is apparently a size queen. Later, Snape teaches Dipsy how to turn Tinky Winky's butt into an instrument of pleasure.
Oh Dipsy, he don't have crotch mouth. But behind him you will find a pork's eye. Don't be afraid.
It's dirty. But after a while, you will like the fine flavor of melted chocolate covering your lips. And it doesn't stop with poop. The lesson descends into an all-out orgy featuring boogers, vomit, and bathing in fountains of breast milk. It's a horrid, tubby-custard buffet of every conceivable excretion. But to be fair to the writer, smearing poop on a Teletubby sounds exactly like what a man who's been living in a basement for decades must imagine sex to be like.
But the most disturbing part of the story has to be the description of Snape's wand. And fine, that one was Inuendo. And Snape unclothes himself. His pale, shiny penis appeared, and all of the Teletubbies got impressed. His nutsack was very white and hairy, and exhaled a snake oil parfum essence.
La-La felt a jolt of pleaser down her antenna. Later, La-La starts feeling like maybe what they're doing is wrong and unnatural. But her gentle lover reassures her. No, La-La.
Don't be ashamed. When you bit the forbidden fruit, the knowledge wouldn't fulfill your innermost desires. Be my ear.
Eventually, Dumbledore comes to check on Snape and is horrified by what he's doing with these little rainbow bastards. Especially because, plot twist, the Teletubbies are death eaters working for Voldemort. Tinky Winky kills Dumbledore with a grenade and a Colt 45, which is honestly better than his canonical death, if a bit absurd.
Okay, let's check out a story that's a little more grounded in reality. Number three, the Tetris Death Note erotic fanfiction. Death Note is a manga about a kid who kills unworthy people by writing their names in a magic notebook. Think Dexter, but with more Japan. Tetris is about falling blocks. Truly, the only overlap on this venn diagram is a fun little story where someone tapped into the undercurrent of sexual tension between these two characters. The story Getting Around the Block starts when Mello, one of the main characters from Death Note, inexplicably finds himself trapped inside a game of Tetris.
His first thought is that he's been drugged. His second thought is that the magic notebook killer probably wouldn't need to drug him because he's got that magic notebook. And his third thought is, I didn't expect Tetris blocks would have such an odd texture. Here we go. Mello begins groping the human-sized Tetris blocks around him and is surprised to find that they're soft, firm, and oddly slippery all at once. I mean, that's how I've always pictured him.
Things really get going when a block lands on top of Mello and thrusts itself on him in a rather inappropriate manner. Presumably as revenge for all those chocolate blocks Mello's mutilated with his teeth. Mello tries to kick it away, but the block won't take no for an answer. As if the block had understood but disapproved, it only became much more vigorous in its effort, grinding against Mello in the most annoying way. And that's when Mello's clothes magically poof out of existence.
This is the writer's clever way of getting around the fact that Tetris blocks can't take someone's clothes off because they don't have hands. Seems the creators of Tetris somehow hadn't anticipated Rule 34.
Unless... was there something in the manual about appendages? I honestly never read it. I thought I got how it all worked.
Well pretty soon, Mello stops resisting and surrenders to the raw animal magnetism of that unruly Tetris block grinding against him. One thing leads to another, and Mello gleefully welcomes the irresistible falling block into his body. And we do mean the entire block by the way, because again, can't stress this enough. There are no fuckables or suckables protruding from a Tetris block. Eventually Mello wakes up from his bizarre dream and we find out that he'd been in an orgy with a bunch of couch cushions.
And who hasn't been there? But we know what you're wondering. Are there any fan fiction sex scenes between actual human beings? Well, do mutants count? Number two.
Professor X has a three-way with Magneto and Hannibal Lecter. The setting. Charles Xavier, the man who will one day lead the X-Men as Professor X, is sitting in a cafe when his mutant powers detect a disturbed mind sitting near him. Not just any type of disturbed, but... disturbed. Charles quickly leaves the cafe but the man follows him home and invites himself in. That man, we find out, is Hannibal Lecter. The story Condonare by an author who has since disavowed their abominable creation combines the settings from the movies X-Men First Class and Hannibal Rising.
Meaning that both characters are still in their 20s, so you can stop picturing Patrick Stewart and Anthony Hopkins making out. If you want, I for one choose not to.
After a bumpy introduction, Charles and Hannibal start getting along better. Way better. When he raised his head to sea, Hannibal's mouth was already closing around his c***. And Hannibal's mouth...
Charles whimpered and clutched at the sheets. Okay, stop right there. So, Charles knows that Lecter is a cannibal. He's been inside his head, he knows that he's eaten at least one other person so far, and he still lets the guy put his mouth around his little beast. This is exactly the type of perilous situation that Charles' mental powers are designed to prevent. And yes, this exact situation. All mutants eventually end up in bed with cannibals.
Do you even read comic books?
So after a few nights of passion, Hannibal goes away, but Charles remains fascinated by the man and his magic lips. Months later, Hannibal returns with a friend. A young Eric Lencher, aka the future magneto. So this story contends that the two mutant frenemies were first introduced by Hannibal the cannibal over a casual menagee trois.
Suck it, Max. Eat a d***, Charles.
Hannibal had gotten lubed somewhere. Proper lube.
He's never fucked you, has he? He asked, uh oh. Charles said turned on as fuck. No, we've never. It is time that he did.
The door slammed shut and in the next second Hannibal was there, groin, grazing against Charles' ass, pressing Charles' own erection against Eric's. My love is a fever. After the three are done playing human centipede, Hannibal and Eric leave to continue tracking down and killing the Nazis that tortured them when they were kids. Yeah, that's what they were doing together. This could have been magneto and lector, Nazi hunters. But the author decided that was boring compared to this sloppy mutant smorgasborgasm.
Okay, that's enough of the horny stuff. How about something more innocent and romantic next?
Things turned decidedly less boring when suddenly a strange man appears in a flash of light. His clothes were very strange and his hair was in a spiky style that was totally new to her. She stood against the wall, wary of the stranger, but he walked towards her and smiled, extending a hand.
My name is Goku! Yep, Goku from Dragon Ball Z in Anne Frank's attic. Now while I can't hope to comprehend why this would happen, I can attempt to tell you how. Goku explains that he was quote caught into a time portal and needs a few minutes to recharge his cells before going back to his time.
Those fleeting moments are more than enough for Anne to become smitten. She tries to kiss him, but Goku turns her down. Oh, not because she's a teenager, but because he's a taken man.
You know, you're a very beautiful girl, but I, well, Anne looked at him troubled. What's the matter?
She said with a sweet smile, I'm already married.
Anne pulled away from him abruptly. No! She said loudly, almost in tears.
Goku leaves in another flash of light and Anne says she'll never forget him until the end of time. As it turns out, this is just the author masterfully toying with our emotions, because just a month later, Goku returns to save Anne from the Gestapo. At that moment, he confesses his love and the fact that he's got a wife and kids is never mentioned again. I know it's kind of a raw deal for you and your mom, Gohan.
The action kicks up a notch when Goku says, we got some Nazi ass to kick, and flies Anne to Berlin to battle the entire Third Reich. Goku hijacks a tank and goes on a Nazi killing spree until only Hitler himself is left standing, but there's more to this wimpy Austrian than meets the eye. Hitler burst into a laugh as Goku looked on quizzically. The mustachioed men slowly rose into the air as his brown hair and penciled mustache turned a blonde color and his brown eyes turned blue. Goku reeled in horror. Hitler continued laughing, then finally said, Goku, you came here expecting to find a madman, but instead you found... a god. So wait, was Hitler's Aryan ideal always about Super Saiyans? A race of muscular bros who turn blonde haired and blue eyed when they power up? That makes a frightening amount of sense. After a mighty battle that would have taken at least 20 episodes in the anime, Goku disintegrates Super Hitler with a giant ball of energy while yelling, this is for love!
Then he destroys the time machine and moves to Australia with Anne. They change their names and live new lives ready to start over.
The two young people looked into each other's eyes as they kissed as the Reverend pronounced them man and wife. Finally it seemed Anne was at peace and they would always be together until the end of time. So what have we learned here today?
You can't count on Funimation or Alan Rickman or JK Rowling to do the right thing. If you want something done horny, you gotta do it yourself. Hey thanks for watching this episode of cannonball. I need to ask you for one more favor though. Please use the comment section to collaborate on the most fucked up fanfiction your sick twisted hive mind can conjure. Thanks in advance. |
dropout | Troopers_vs_Teleporter | Dread Lord Sinister, here is your pizza, sir. Fresh from Stromboli's. Fresh? This is cold as ice. From an ice planet. Sir, we've been over this. Stromboli's is on the other side of the Dread Cruiser. It takes weeks to get there and back. Tell you what, why don't you get me another pizza?
Using my new teleportation device! It's in beta, but don't worry, it's been tested on mice.
And how did they do? Who? The mice. Mmm, define do. Did they...
Anyway, you'll be there and back quicker than a mouse with a hundred legs. Why would you say that specifically? It's a figure of speech. Look, even I said don't put them in there all at once.
But, you know, bad scientists. The same scientists who made the device? No, no, no, no. After a punishing trip through the teleportation device, they could never be called the same.
Anyway, let me get a large cheese and a diet frizz. What? What is this? A human hand? Explain yourself. Well, sir. Ah, good God, man. What's wrong with you? The teleportation device mixed up me and the pizza's molecules, I think. Well, I've lost my appetite. Ah, thank God. For za, go back and get me a caesar salad extra anchovies. Oh no. So, let me get this straight.
Okay, new plan. We send you through the teleportation device again and again and again until you're back to normal. But, sir, won't that just mix me up even more? No, no, no. Mix anything up enough and it falls right back into place. Take this Rubik's Cube. I got mad and shot it. Do you want to be next? Before you go, remember these words. Yes, sir.
Pasta puttanesca. Meatball sub. Canoli. Maybe you should be writing this down.
Nope. Nuh-uh. Yikes. Wow. Bad.
Pretty okay, but now I want regular frizz. Now your regular frizz.
There. What did I tell you? Even a broken clock is right if I say so. Thank you, sir. Now, if you don't mind, I'll take my leave.
You forget the cannoli? I hate it when they do that. So what's the verdict on calling you cannoli? You may not call me that. But it's factual. No!
I'm sorry. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Joy_McKean_OAM_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_128 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well, welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show. Today we are joined by a pioneer of Australian recording music, country music in particular, but music in general. One of the hardest workers. We've actually had the opportunity to meet and interview someone who's probably toured the most out of any Australian musician that we've definitely come across, but anyone who's been involved in the game since the start.
So thank you for joining us, join the team. Thank you very much Clancy, Errol. Nice to meet you. Good to meet you, Pierre. Hearing a lot about you. Thanks for having us here.
There's a lot of stuff on the wall, I'm seeing a lot of, you know, mementos from a long career. Yes, we've just put a few of those up and a lot of them are up at Kempsey and the Slim Dothty Centre, but we've got a few things up there and Slim's collection of all the Lawson and early Balladiers, the books and so on. So yes, got a lot of mementos here.
Now you've just come back from Kempsey, I believe, with the premiere of the new documentary. Can you tell us how was that to kind of get back into one of the many heartlands of the music you all created? Well, that was really exciting because they've got new cinemas there and it was the first time I'd been into them and they've got this big mural in the foyer in both areas, you know, and I walk in there and there's Slim, huge, up on the wall of the foyer. Everyone was absolutely wonderful and I was thrilled to think that we had this going in Slim's hometown, you know. It was really, really good and very exciting. We had a great time. So the film came out on the 10th of September. Yes. Could you tell our listeners a little bit about it?
It's called Slim and I. Yes, it's based actually on my story as compared to the straight one of just Slim, but it's about the long partnership and the long marriage that we had. And what it was like, you see, it's very different for a woman on the road to what it is for, you know, for someone like Slim. We each had our side of things to do and we were pretty lucky in that things that if Slim, say, wasn't used to doing, I could do. And then on the other hand, I wasn't really good at getting under the trucks and, you know, fixing a wheel hub or something like that, so Slim had to do that for sure. So there was, you know, a lot of people have this idea, particularly with, you know, country musicians, that there's this idea of someone with just a guitar over the shoulder.
So it was a bit of an operation from even in the early days, there was a team that kind of got this show on the road. Yes, it was. It was a very small team to begin with, I tell you. We just all piled into old Betsy. It's an old 39 Ford, a heavy back one, and pulling an old caravan that in the end I called the egg because of the shape of it, you know, it was dreadful.
The water tank didn't work. Neither did the so-called electricity contact, you know, connections.
It was a case of cooking over a primus. You know, it was pretty rough. So as soon as I thought we might be able to afford it or go into higher purchase, I got one that was a bit bigger. It had a meadow stove with two burners on it. Fancy.
So were you born into a musical family? Like where did music find you first? I was born in Singleton in the Hunter Valley, and my father was a country school teacher.
So we moved around a bit in there, but mum played piano, and everywhere that they moved, she took the piano. That's the old piano that's still there up the hallway. There was always music around in that mum played the piano, and then she and dad went to learn to play the Hawaiian steel guitar. When I was only about seven or eight, they bought me ukulele and one of those E to Z tutors, so I used to bang away on that. And then mum started teaching me a little bit about what to do on the piano and how to put chords together, and that was enough for me to start off with. Then dad showed me how to vamp on the steel guitar. Like if you saw the people playing the Dobro now, yeah, you see, well, that was what they then called the Hawaiian steel guitar.
So Heather and I began singing very young, and I started, and then Heather followed into it. I used to laugh. I used to say she was one of these kids who said, whatever you can do, I can do better, sort of thing. And she generally did. She was jolly good at it. No, but that's where the music came from. And then I'm very fortunate. Mum and dad decided that I should learn to play guitar, and then Heather, of course, wanted to be in it, and she was so small that she couldn't really manage the guitar, even the small one that they had made for me. And so she had ukulele.
We started singing the local school concerts and church concerts, things like that. But we ended up being on air pretty early. Yeah, you were about 10 when you and Heather first made your debut? Norm and Arthur Scott used to record for the old Regal Zonophone label as Singing Stockman, and they had a Sunday morning radio program on 2GB every Sunday morning in Sydney. And so once a fortnight, we came to Sydney for our lessons. We used to end up on the radio on that morning singing. So yeah, I think that I was 11 or 12, Heather's two years younger.
Was that relayed back to Singleton? No, this was not that time. When we had our own show later, in later years, yes. Even up on Doyle's Creek near Singleton, I believe everything stopped on a Saturday night. So all the neighbours tuned in to Melody Trail. So what was it like being a child star in Singleton?
Yeah, it was a bit strange, wasn't it? I didn't know anything about that at all.
Because we then were living down in the Southern Highlands. Dad was teaching a little place called Yandere down towards Metagon. We'd get on the train and get up to Sydney and have our lessons and that sort of thing. Go back to Dad teaching us for three hours.
Can you tell us at what point did you stumble across this city slicker from Kempsey? You were more country. I wonder if that, I'm not sure if the documentary goes into that, but it sounds like Singleton, you're getting a bit less of a sea breeze than Kempsey. It did rather, but well, when I was in high school and Dad was in the army, Mum moved us down to Sydney and gradually Heather and I began finding that we were doing so many sort of concerts and everything that in the end Mum was saying, no, you've got to do your homework first sort of thing. But when we first met, Heather and I were already running our Melody Trail radio show and that was on 2KY at 6.30 every Saturday night and I'd heard about them and I think I heard some records of his, I think. I know Mum must have because she was lecturing us about diction and she said, you know, that Slim Dusty, you can understand every word that he sings.
And I thought, yeah, what, you know. Anyway, when I met Slim, he thought I was just some sort of a little city piece. He didn't know anything about me, really. He'd heard us plenty and knew I had the radio show and all. And then I thought he was a bit of a liar, you know, a bit full of himself. And of course, I got a bit of a surprise on seeing him because the first photo I saw of him had been printed back to front. So he looked as if he was left-handed.
Yeah, right. Yeah, about 40, you know, and quite plump and he was nothing of that at all. So that's how it started, anyway, until we got to know each other a lot, lot better, working together, you know.
And where would have your hub been when you started working together and started touring? Was it Sydney? Was there somewhere in the middle of all these towns you were visiting? No, for Slim and me, we were married and we had built a house here in Sydney over at West Epping. We were both saving and we began running shows in Sydney because at that particular time, late 40s and early 50s, you could go to a country music show in some suburb of Sydney nearly every night of the week.
That's how big it was. Yeah. So we were saving and putting every penny aside because Slim wanted to have his own show and be touring. And I was perfectly happy to go along with that. It sounded great. When we did start, we had 19 pounds in our pocket and we had the old car. We had one microphone. I don't know how many speakers we had, one or two. And then we had an old, sorry, a new, Ferrograph tape recorder, the reel-to-reel tapes. Yeah. So when we started off, we couldn't afford a big team with us. So it ended up with Slim and me, Barry Thornton, who began as a singer, but ended up being Slim's lead guitarist for years, and Malcolm Mason on whips and ropes. And Barry became the comedian of the show as well. So that was it. And you needed something else.
So we used to run a talent quest at night. The prize for the winner each night was to be recorded on the Ferrograph and that would be sent to Heather back in Sydney. And they would then be played, that was the big prize, more or less to be played on the melody trail on the next Saturday night.
So that was what our first touring team consisted of. So success didn't come instantaneously. It was a long road. It was a very long road, very long one.
We went great up the coast because up there was a lot of dairy farming communities. They're up early in the morning in mostly country, or hillbilly programs, I used to call them, would be on early in the morning. And then it all turned a bit sour. Went up past to when we started coming down the New England. That's when Betsy seemed to be, you know. In the cold country. Oh yes, all the tires went and that sort of thing. And anything that could happen did happen. And it was getting on towards Christmas, so everyone was saving up their money for Christmas too. By the time we got halfway down the New England, things were looking, you know, not real good.
So I rang Mum. Gleniness, you called Mum around there, or halfway down, yeah.
It's a hard town up there, I guess. Oh, never mind. Windy and cold. Hope springs eternal, I reckon. So we got Gordon Parsons and went out round Walgett and that sort of thing, and made enough to pay Mum back, you see. And also to think, this might work. It's a bit nicer out there at Walgett, by my planes there. The farms are a bit bigger, they wouldn't have made good ticket holders. It's a bit warmer a bit farther.
When did success come? I mean, it was a few years down the track with a pub with no beer. Well, that was a big breakthrough.
But before that, Slim had cut through with Rone Tumbles. Rone Tumbles down in July. In July, yeah.
And he had a lot of big records out. We weren't getting any records out simply because I was on the road away. Heather was in Sydney, and then when she married Ridge, we're touring at opposite ends of the nation, you know. So we concentrated on Slim, and he kept recording. Then, when the pub just happened, it was recorded, and he thought that was going to be the B-side of a Ringles underphone single. Well, you know what happened. And we didn't realise, because by that time, we had just joined up with Frank Foster to work on the showgrounds, to see how that went.
As a showy, with all the rides. Yeah, that was a fascinating thing. I wouldn't have swapped it for anything. A fantastic experience.
So you went ahead with that, that Wild Pub of No Beer? Yeah, yeah. Oh, the Pub of No Beer happened after it. Oh, right.
You see, we went up and joined up with Frank on the big tent and the whole bit. And then we left all the gear in there, and we went out to Charleville. Karl and Mel did some of the Western agricultural shows out there. And when we came back into Brisbane, all the showmen were saying, just saying, gee, that's a good one, that one you got on the hit parades.
Right. You know? And he said, what? And they said, well, that one about the pub. And we said, oh, god, you know.
They, nobody but nobody was playing any country by that time. And this was about 1956, a long time ago.
It happened. A man called Alan Lapham in Brisbane picked it up and started playing it. And then when Bob Rogers was also working in Brisbane, he was going to move to Sydney, he wanted a novelty, and took the pub with him, brought it with him down here. And it just exploded. Did that become the song that people would request on the road? Oh. The ones that would be yelling?
Well, the first year, no, Slim would get up and sing it. After that, that first year, when it actually hit, then after that, it started, everybody asked for the pub. They expected the pub. So Slim always had to sing it.
Didn't worry him at all.
He sang it very happy. He used to laugh about it. When he first heard it, he said, I think that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. He loved it.
So you were managing to, I mean, in a career that saw, obviously, Slim had 100 albums, which sounds like he was busy. You and your sister, did you manage to link back up and make more music? No, because once I was away touring, we were touring then. We began touring, we were on the road. Well, actually, it was 11 months of the year to begin with. We knocked it back to nine. No, we weren't singing together at all. And we didn't sing together as a duo until, again, into the 80s. When we met up again, after she'd been a while in America, and came back and it all just clicked in again. She toured with us for a long time. But that didn't stop you from writing a lot of music, really, in those years. You had a big gong with Lights on the Hill.
I mean, how did that song come about just from all those nights of driving Betsy? Betsy. Ah, Betsy. Poor old Betsy was long gone.
I had a station wagon and it was an automatic one. I can only drive an automatic one. Lights on the Hill happened a long time later.
In the meantime, I was writing other songs, a lot of different songs. Slim recorded some sort of rockabilly songs and he wanted some. I wrote two or three of those for him, which he recorded.
Ace of Hearts, Don't Want No Woman Around. I thought, no, you can enjoy singing that one.
But Lights on the Hill. Lights on the Hill, I wrote.
I was driving a loaded caravan, a wagon, rather, pulling a loaded caravan too. Slim was ahead of me in the big truck, Thunder, and the big van. And Barry was ahead of him in the smaller truck. And I think the towing caravan for the girls.
We were going to pick up the rest of the show that was going to meet us at Warwick in Queensland. And this was June. And it was freezing cold when I got up through Tamworth. And, you know, go over the Moonby Range there. And heading sort of over the range and up to Guyra.
And there used to be a piece of that road. It's gone now. It's changed now because it was dangerous. And this was, they called it the Devil's Pinch, you know, between Moonby and Guyra. It was pouring rain. It was black.
And all the semis were heading to Sydney for the morning markets. And you see, they got the lights, the full beam. And of course, I had my little station wagon, full beam.
But as the trucks come over the hill at me, you know, because my left foot and leg is completely paralysed from polio, childhood polio, I've only got one foot to work the controls. Well, the one I was driving was a 70s wagon. And the dimmer switch is still on the floor, not on the gear stick. So I had the, you know, accelerator, brake, and dimmer switch. And every time through the Moonby Ranges, the truck would come over, hit me with that. I'd go flip from there over to there, hit the dimmer switch, back onto the accelerator, because with the load I kept pulling, and it was on the little van, I thought it was going to stall. It would have stalled if I hadn't kept the motor going.
So I did that sort of a dance all the way through the Moonbys. And when I got to Devil's Pinch, it was pouring rain, and it was black. And I thought, I'll end up going to sleep, you know, with it going like this. So I thought to myself, well, I wonder how long it would be before Slim came back to find me if I go over there, so I don't think I'd better do that.
And so I just started writing the song. And I wrote it as if it was a truckie writing it. Yeah, it was out of fear. It was a truckie, a terrified truckie writing a song.
Yeah, that's right. It's a great story. And the windscreen wipers had beaten in time. Yep, and they were. And it kept going, you know what?
Though I believe an American truckie told my grandson's now wife, Flora, couldn't have been written by a woman. Definitely not. He wouldn't believe her. Flora, I don't know whether she ever convinced him or not.
Anyway, I got up there, and Slim was unhooking the big van when I got there. And I said, oh, wrote a song on the way up. Oh, he said, did you? OK, well, he said, you ought to put it down on cassette before you forget it. And normally, I'd just laugh that off and never do it. But this time, I pulled the guitar out from under one of the bunks, and the little cassette recorders we always carried. And I did. I just sang it, roughly, with the guitar onto this cassette, and I just put it away and forgot about it.
And at Christmas time, I had Colleen Trenwith staying with us. Colleen and Paul from the Hamilton County Bluegrass Band. And I remembered this cassette and this song. I said to Colleen, oh, I've got something you'd be able to play fiddle on.
It's just right for it. Colleen got it, and oh, when I was singing it, she just swung straight into that cage and fiddled with it, and it was just perfect. I said, gee, that'd be a good one for Slim. Oh, she said, that's going to just, that would really be good for him.
And Slim said, nah, too many words, can't get my breath or anything. You'd better give it to somebody else. And I said, oh, that's the only time I ever pushed him about trying to sing something.
But of course, it was very different to anything that he had done before, and he wanted to go fishing. So he went fishing, and I sat at the piano. And then when I got the cassette, because when I got the cassette out, then I discovered that he had used it as a rehearsal tape, and he wiped all the second half of the song off. And so it was just as well that he was out fishing.
Yeah, the little song that could. Against all odds, it ended up on stage. Yeah, it was funny. It was his closer for over 20 years. And once he got into it, I swear, I don't think anybody else could sing it like he could. He'd get up on stage, he'd thump his heel into the stage floor, and then he'd go into it. And with the band, the band knew it so well with him, you know?
I've only found perhaps two, maybe two, that can come close to our second stage version. There's been a lot of tried. Yeah. There's been a lot of covers. There's only a couple.
Well, did you ever think it was going to win the golden guitar? I mean, after all this perseverance. No. Well, you see, I got a terrific shock when that was the first golden guitar award. Yeah, it's first years, wasn't it? And I was really amazed when I won the first golden guitar for the song of the year.
I found it very difficult to believe because in the first place in country music, it was always the artist. The songwriter was way back there. And I had been writing songs that Slim had singing, but no one was taking much notice of the fact that I was writing them. Yeah. You see, because songs didn't really become important, it seemed to me, in Australian country music until perhaps the 70s. Suddenly, it's like the songwriters got together and had their own sort of songwriter awards and everything. And their slogan was, first the song. And then since then, of course, it's got to the stage where they're asking singers to, you know, haven't you written any of the songs for the album yourself and all that? That was never the case, really. Things changed a lot. So singer songwriters, a new term in itself for a lot of musicians, you think? Yes, a lot of the songwriters, the Bush songwriters, actually, they used to start singing them after.
People like Ernie Constance, Dan Costa, you know, some of them. It was great. But nowadays, everybody seems to be looking for the songs first. Yeah. And it's a real turnaround. It's quite surprising. But anyway, after that, I thought, well, I can write what I want. I think they'll all listen next time.
So where do you see Australian country music heading in the future? I think in one way, they're trying to split it too much. You know, your country or your art, there's different styles of it. You're getting away from the core of it. If you're not concentrating on, actually, we always say, you know, you have to know the roots of country music. If you're going to sing it, no matter what style of country you want to sing.
Yeah. No, we spoke to John Williamson about a year ago, and he was concerned that Australian country music was getting a bit too Americanised in how it sounds, about how everything's in danger of becoming too homogenised. Everything's in danger of becoming too homogenised. Have you noticed that? I know what John means. I also know that for, or I feel that for a music genre or any music to survive, it does have to evolve. Yeah. And it does have to, and it will have its branches.
I think that at the moment, though, perhaps too many of the singers coming on are getting too influenced by all the alternatives. They don't even know where the route begins because they've got all the branches there and they're getting in the way. What's with that? They can't see the forest for the trees? Well, I think that's a bit confusing for all young artists. You've got to be pretty well established in what you're doing to stick to your road and to make something off it without getting yourself off on all these other little branches. They're mixing it up too early. They're mixing it up too early, and they don't really know where they're going, a lot of them, the young ones. I think they need to go back and start again.
One thing that has kind of assured a future for country music in Australia is the Tamworth Country Music Festival, which you were kind of heavily involved in from the start. I guess anyone who was around was going to feature. You were actually quite instrumental, would you say? Yes. I was one of the four or five that established the Country Music Association of Australia, and that was established when it looked as though we were going to lose the awards. You see, country artists to survive in those days when from the time rock and roll took over and you had to hide your albums under near the nearest rock sort of thing. It was ridiculous, but that's the way it was. That's what sent a lot more of the artists out on the road, which is a good thing anyway. But it became that people were touring all the time, and you never saw your friends unless you happened to crisscross your tour somewhere. Then along came the Golden Guitar Awards. Well, for us, that was somewhere where we could all meet one week in the year, and we could also have won that one night for ourselves and for our music. And when it looked as if we were going to lose that, it caused more of an uproar and really a noise that nobody expected because we didn't want to lose that one night.
And so, yes, that's when I got interested in some of the industry style things. A lot has kind of happened, obviously, as we mentioned at the start of the interview, a career on the road, a career spent promoting the newest release, whether that be something you've written, something Slim's written, something Slim's recorded, released, or anyone else that was around you at the time. What do you think was kind of some of the most exciting places to visit? There was a lot of heartlands for your show.
No, we'd be out on the road when something was released. You know, until you could say that every car had a radio. Before that, half the time, we didn't know when things were released. We didn't know how things took off.
After Lights on the Hill, the record companies kept in touch better and everything like that. And also, mobile phones made a big difference. You're in a caravan, you know. You can go to ring the kids at school or something. One call a week was all you were allowed. And you had to go and just line up at the post office telephone booth.
That sort of thing. So when we were out on the road, half the time, we didn't know what was happening in the music industry. So a lot of the time, there were some surprises. Good ones, bad ones, and most peculiar ones. Kev Carmody said that to us recently. He went years at a time without knowing a song had been a hit because he didn't have a phone.
Yes, I mean, you can fight them, can't you? But in the end, you've got to jolly well join them. In this documentary, it's taken a few years to kind of get together. It certainly has, Clancy.
My grandson, James, has actually been working on this. He's worked for about seven years to try and get this all happening. They tell me that I had written books, you know, about Slim, and about the touring and everything like that. But the publisher said, and Anne pushed me a lot, she said, you should tell your story because it's from a woman's point of view. I did that, and strangely enough, it was that the television producer and then this producer, Chris Brown, picked up on, and of course, he found he was shameless with everything there, all the archives, all the work that he put into it for years. He'd even written treatment of the story. Well, they just, Chris and James, they managed to get Chris standards. He's a great director, and before I knew where it was, there I was, talking to and starting on this, and I was pretty apprehensive. I don't think I could have gone into it, on all of it, if I hadn't had James to depend on. He's very dependable, very noble, and a hard worker.
And now your poor grandson, I believe, has missed the screenings down in Melbourne for the time being. It's very hard on Jim and Laura. It's a bit cruel, that twist of fate, that he's finally got this thing finished.
But I'm sure they'll have a Melbourne screening for him when it all opens up. Oh, we'll have to have a premiere all over again when Melbourne opens up. So that James can have some of the fun of watching it up there in a cinema.
Because he and Flora got that rough soul. And Flora, in particular, completely rewrote the second half of it. The words about the band's gone home, but there's someone still singing along. Those words are definitely all Flora's.
She's a great musician. She and Jim are really, really good, a good duo. I think they remind me a bit of Slim and Me, in Slim and I. That's a fantastic way to end, I think. That's great. She's given all the diehard listeners that are listening in now.
Not only is there the doco to look forward to, but there's also the next next generation. Yes, there's the next generation. Because you see, there you are. You've got three generations on that song.
More or less, I wrote the basis of it. Then they did the co-writing. Jim and Flora as small town romance.
They recorded it, but they had Anne, my daughter, featured vocalist in it. She was doing vocal harmonies with Flora. But then she sang all of the last verse and everything. So that's the three generations of the family involved in one song.
Wowee. Yeah. I don't think that's ever happened before, has it really? No, not that I can remember. Certainly not in this country. No.
No, the album's just out and that song's on it. It's on the first track, I think, on the album now.
I don't believe you, small town romance. I don't believe you.
It's a different song. It's far totally different from anything I've ever written before.
Oh, okay. We look forward to it. Now, we've got a big plate of wagon wheels in front of us that will not be fit audio broadcasts, so we'll have to get stuck into these and have another cup of tea.
But thank you for chatting to us today, Joy. What a lovely story. It's been good fun. Thanks, Errol. Thanks, Clancy. Thank you. Thanks, Joy.
And to finish us up here today, we're going to listen to Joy's daughter, Ann Kirkpatrick, singing a song that was obviously made famous by Joy and Slim, written by Joy, and one of the best songs recorded by Slim Dusty. And according to Slim Dusty, one of the best songs he ever sang.
So this is Ann Kirkpatrick with The Biggest Disappointment. I had my future wrapped up in a puzzle Haven't no one even thought of asking me So the day I turned 15, I caught the mail train Well to find what else might be in life for me I rode on trucks and trains and left on nothing Served me right for wanting to be free Oh well that's the way society looked at it But it didn't seem to be that way to me And the biggest disappointment in the family was me The only twisted branch upon our good old family tree I just couldn't be the person they expected me to be And the biggest disappointment in the world was me More dinner times than there were dinners I learned a lot that hurt me at the time Then this quiet country boy went home a different man With a memory of distance on my mind Guess I spoke too loud and laughed too often Or maybe drank too many glasses down Perhaps my clothes were older than I realized I was relieved to all concerned when I left town And the biggest disappointment in the family was me Oh the only twisted branch upon our good old family tree I just couldn't be the person they expected me to be And the biggest disappointment in the world was me I had my future wrapped up in a puzzle Haven't no one even thought of asking me So the day I turned 15 I caught the mail train Well to find what else might be in life for me I rode on trucks and trains and left on nothing Served me right for wanting to be free Oh well that's the way society looked at it But it didn't seem to be that way to me And the biggest disappointment in the family was me The only twisted branch upon our good old family tree I just couldn't be the person they expected me to be And the biggest disappointment in the world was me More dinner times than there were dinners I learned a lot that hurt me at the time Then this quiet country boy went home a different man With a memory of distance on my mind Because I spoke too loud and laughed too often Oh maybe drank too many glasses down Oh perhaps my clothes were older than I realized I was relieved to all concerned when I left town And the biggest disappointment in the family was me Oh the only twisted branch upon our good old family tree I just couldn't be the person they expected me to be And the biggest disappointment in the world was me |
dropout | why_sexy_lingerie_is_the_worst_present_for_a_guy | Are you ready for your present, Mr. Birthday boy? Yes, please. Good to. Hot dog. Happy birthday babe. What are you doing? Getting you naked. But this is your present.
This was like super expensive.
Oh. Thanks. I like it. Can you be more naked now? No. I bought this to wear and you've only seen it for like a second. I feel like I've taken it in as much as I can. Just keep looking. Okay. Naked now? No, I'm not getting naked so stop asking. We can do other stuff. I can dance. What? I'm just in the mood for something else with more touching. Oh. Feel how soft my lace is.
Don't grab. Don't touch.
Quality stuff, right?
Uh, I think I'm just going to take a cold shower and go to sleep.
Oh no. I totally ruined your birthday with this dumb thing. No, you didn't. You look really nice.
Come on, let me fix it. We can play cards or leg wrestle.
I'm actually just really tired.
We can build a pillow fort or we can make shadow puppets. Maybe next year.
You can eat cake off of me. This is really great. Happy birthday babe.
Oops. What? I got chocolate on your panties. What the f- |
TheOnion | Messages_From_Our_Troops_To_The_Families_They_Can_t_Remember | That story's coming up. But before we go to break, a few messages from our troops stationed overseas. This is Private Jeffrey Warren from Huntington, West Virginia.
Thanks to all my pen pals from Ms. Winter's class in North Carolina. All your cards and your drawings of your favorite foods really took my mind off all the death around me. Hey, Mom and Dad and everyone in Willamette, California. Got your letter.
Glad you guys are doing good. Great to hear Tucker's going to get married. These are good here, too.
They found part of my hand. Hi, this is Donnie Kern, stationed first armed division in Iraq. Hello, Kelly. Can't wait to get home to see you. I'm going to give you this ring I got off a dead Iraqi woman. Hi, this is Specialist Diane Knight, 25th Infantry Division based in Iraq.
Hey, Mom and Dad and everybody in Virginia. Hope you guys are all doing well. And thanks again to everybody in Marshall for agreeing to jointly raise my son while I'm fighting here. Hi, this is Corporal Ryan Hayes from Birmingham, Alabama, stationed in North Zone, Iraq.
I want to send a message out to my homosexually secret lover, Ben, back home. I hope that you're getting this message but that nobody else in the military is watching this because I am so very erotically homosexually gay. But I hope nobody is watching this from the military because I will be kicked out. I love you. |
TheOnion | DNC_Speech_Clinton_Campaign_Thanks_Volunteers_For_Killing_Millions_Of_Gnats_In_Hillary_s_Bus | For working tirelessly day in and day out to get more than 3.3 million nats out of Hillary Clinton's campaign bus. We all know how much Secretary Clinton loves her daily fruit fix. But for those of you who haven't been on the trail with us, Hillary will always take two or three bites from any given piece of fruit and then forget about it, leaving the rest inside a hot bus for hours. This attracts thick clouds of nats that must be dealt with on a daily basis. If you hadn't stormed those dense soup-like swarms of nats, this campaign quite simply would not exist. I am awed by your spirit, your passion, and your ability to kill so many nats armed with just your bare hands and the occasional rolled up magazine. Look at this lady in her mat hat. How many nats do you think she's killed with that hat? 1,000? We know it's actually fruit flies we're killing. But Hillary Clinton calls them nats, and we do too. We killed nats in Iowa when farmers helped lure them off the bus with piles of fetid compost when our hands weren't enough. We killed nats in New York where fruit vendors are plentiful and know that Hillary is always good for a bag of old peaches. And we've still got one nat left to swat.
Donald Trump. Let's get him out of Hillary Clinton's face. |
dropout | Why_I_m_Voting_For_Opposite_Man | This Politics Day, I'm voting for the man who says the opposite of things that are happening. Sometimes it seems like bad things are happening, but then he tells me that they're not. And I like that, because it means I don't have to be sad. Other times, things that I want to happen aren't happening, but he says that they are. And I like that too, because it's better. In the past, politics men used to agree about the things that were happening, but disagree about what to do about them. I didn't like that, because I didn't know anything about the thing, so it made choosing harder. Now, with this man, I never have to worry about any things, because I know they're the opposite. Sometimes I notice a lot of people don't like the opposite man.
Like almost everyone who writes, talks, or knows about the news in any way. Practically every public figure of any kind. Some current Republicans. Twenty-seven former Republican members of Congress. Every living former president from both parties. Basically every current and former leader of every good country ever. Most people who've ever worked for or with him in any way for any reason.
Even the opposite man's own actual niece and sister. Boy, that's a lot. And then I notice that the only people who do like him are scary dictator men. A pillow man. And the sweaty boys on my favorite channel, the Scream Network.
And so I think, well how could that be? Is it because the opposite man is actually bad? But then I think, no, I like the opposite man, and I'm good. And a person who's good wouldn't like someone who's bad, because that would make them bad. So that means everyone else must be bad. When my brain figured that out, I liked it, and thought it was good. Here's another good point.
Everyone else said a man could never be America's boss just by saying the opposite of things. But they were wrong, which means they're wrong about everything forever and belong in prison. A lot of the opposite man's friends have actually gone to prison, which seemed bad to me until I remembered that it's the opposite. Everyone else is also communist, like in the country Russia, which is bad and does bad things to America. And that's why America's boss likes them.
I haven't quite figured that part out yet, but I will. The human brain is a magical meatloaf. Give me a moment. Okay, I got it.
I think it makes sense, and is true and good, and I like it. So this Politics Day, I hope that, like me, you'll vote for the man who says the opposite of things that are happening. Because even if it's a mistake with unthinkably tragic consequences, it isn't. And that makes me feel good. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Busby_Marou | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show with myself Clancy Overall, I'm joined by Wendell Hussey, Eternal Cadet and today's guests, very excited for this one, proud proud Queenslanders, central Queenslanders, I guess you could argue.
You would have seen them if you're in Queensland, you would have seen them either, you know, in a pub or in a field or on a amphitheater of some sort. And if you're not in Queensland, you would have seen them playing grand finals or sporting events, gigs everywhere. They're the band, they sound like a Queensland law firm and they look like a Queensland Miami Vice.
Basim Maru, thanks for joining us. Thank you. Excellent, that's, yeah, I'll take that Miami Vice wrap. Now I want to go back to the start with Basim Maru.
Was it Rocky? Is this the heart, much like the current Queensland origin side, the heart of this all started in Rocky? Yes, you've started this off perfectly. We like talking about the Rocky boys from origin. Yeah, yep, that's where it all began.
Jeremy was playing in a band with a mutual friend of ours and I never knew Jeremy, I'd heard about him, I was a couple years older and I was studying, I'd come home from the uni breaks and bring my acoustic guitar and they'd be singing their covers and all the girls would be, you know, looking at them and dancing and then I'd get up. I want in on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I thought, wow, this is where it all sort of went downhill for me because I thought I'll get up and get in on that. And then I would sing my, you know, original love songs and they did not want to borrow that. They wanted, what were the hits that you were playing back in the day?
K-San, The Gambler, Killin' It. Play K-San, you should have just called the band that.
Absolutely. But then, all of it, they were called Keep Left and they had a stolen Keep Left sign at the back of the stage. In true style.
Tom would rock up in the middle of the sets, in our breaks and we'd be out there talking to girls and he'd be sitting there by himself. The crowd would be gone and I quickly became, I quickly came to realise that I think I need that cool black fella on guitar beside me. And so I dogged my mate eventually. He left town and I came back and I was like, hey Jeremy, just while I'm in town do you want to help me make these tunes sound a bit better? And I had this big plan, I was going to travel around the world, busk, do my thing after I finish here. I knew you were going to be a bit of an alt rock troubadour. Yeah, I was never cut out for that mate. We love poor Kelly, but I don't read books as much as that, so anyway, yeah, that's what happened and we started trying to do some demos and we were just playing at the pubs really and it just kind of snowballed, yeah, it was great. When did you know that you were, I mean, it sounds like you already were Jeremy, but when did you guys know as Busby Maru that you were hot shit in Rocky?
In Rocky it was pretty easy, because there was no one else doing anything, there was no one else playing live music in Rocky. They were old grandfathers with the old beat machines, you know, play some for the kids and you were belting away at West. Hit play and strum along.
I didn't really know that I was going to do it full time for sure until I literally quit my job. Yeah, right. And even then I was like, oh, I've got no money again. What were you working as when you quit? I was working for the Department of Communities, doing some policy advising to the minister, it was... I don't know what, I was advised to back up and go on tour. Yeah, I filled my way to that job. I was also working for the same department, but in Brissie, I was a lawyer and I had an, I was talking about this earlier, I had this opportunity, they offered me a junior crown prosecutor role in Rockhampton.
And I don't know, mate, seriously, I don't know how I even got that far, because I was the Dennis Denuto of all my mates, that's what they'd call me. I was fumbling my way through it, I couldn't believe I actually finished.
You're going to get an office above the laundromat, that's it. Would have been happy with that probably.
I was prosecuting people for doing the same things I was doing on the weekend, so I was pretty hypocritical. And then you all went and started a band and made a job out of doing those things. That's right, yes, made it formal. But yeah, Jeremy and I used to stupidly, you know, ring each other for free in Rocky and, oh, hello, and Jeremy used to always ring my secretary and go, hi, it's Jeremy from Department of Cuny's in Rockhampton, there's Thomas there, please. And they get Jeremy, stop being a dickhead, I was having a gig on the weekend. And so that was, was that, you packed it all in to go on tour, or was it packed it all in to write songs? I think we just got too busy, because we weren't necessarily touring, we got signed by Warner Music at the time, and we just had gigs every weekend.
And it was just, we'd go do these amazing gigs, festivals, people actually liked us back then too, we were young girls like us. Oh, people still like us, you mean young people still like us? Younger, younger people like us.
Then we go back to work on Monday, and it was so depressing, like back to your computers, like, oi Tom. And we couldn't tell anyone about the gigs, because we'd taken a day off sick or whatever.
Bit of a Bruce Wayne kind of thing, you know, yeah, it's like, if only these people knew this other life I'm living. You know what, I've got to say though, everyone in my office, and they still like, I still in touch with them, these guys, they used to walk past me, as I'm sitting at the desk and they go, 25 years, you get your golden watch, do you want your golden watch? And they'd come back and go, piss off out of here mate, please, we're stuck, you can go. Yeah, yeah, please let him sign. I'll tell you actually about the day we had to resign, which the week, we got signed, which is another story altogether, that is, that just made me think of something pretty hilarious about that house we were talking about beforehand.
Yeah, down there. I should talk about that. Yeah. I'll go back to that.
But we got signed, and we had to fly down to Sydney. So we had no more flexy time, no annual leave, no sick, we had nothing left, because we had exhausted that. You faked enough funerals, you're done on compassionate leave as well. We had done it almost, anyway, it was Wednesday, and I, we had a plan, Jeremy and our manager at the time, who was based in Rocky as well, we're flying from Rocky to Sydney. And I was flying from Brissy, but I had to go into work in my suit. And bellyache, got to go home, went straight down to the change table, you know, the dressing room, got in the Converse, ripped jeans, blah, blah, blah, straight to the airport, met the boys there, got signed.
It was huge, you know, it was just the start of the social media days too. So we had to ask for no one to post any photos.
You told me you had a bellyache and then went to the airport. Yeah, and so honest, because I felt bad for Lion because they were so good to me as well. And anyway, you're probably listening to this now, and they probably knew, anyway, we went there and they, Jeremy did the same thing, anyway, the next day was pretty easy because I was still sick, you know, still in Sydney, still sick, no worries get better. You were sick that day. Yeah, huge night, the cricketer's arms, remember that. And then on Friday, came back, like signed, this was unbelievable, came back and they're like, how are you feeling? And just couldn't say anything. Feeling okay, just like wanted to tell everyone that we got signed and had to wait for the end of next week. And just a little bit queasy, a little bit queasy.
So they'll pull you down to sign and play or? Oh, we signed, we played in the offices and then they took us out. And, you know, told us the plan and how exciting it was.
Schmooze ya. Yeah, the schmooze is big time.
Well, I mean, those lunches were like, at least you. Whatever else comes from this arrangement, we know tonight, every beer we drinks paid for. Yeah, it was. Well, Jeremy was actually shouting beers back because we didn't know the deal. And they're like, what are you doing, mate? I've got to get around. It didn't take us long to work out if that Warner card was over the bar, you go hard. So true. We got in trouble, we got in trouble once. Yeah, I wasn't even there.
My wife went in lieu of me and she was, she was racking up a martini, espresso martini bar. Espresso martinis.
Anyway, they were good times. So yeah, we went in to ask for more time away and I was trying to plot it out for the rest of the year. My boss went, mate, just go. So yeah, as we always tell the story, our drummer always used to say, you know, every day is a Saturday boys, come on, quit, you can do it. Took a photo of the resignation letter and went, every day is a Saturday, let's do this.
Yeah, right. That's exciting. Being based in Rocky, small regional town, it's not super small, Rocky, obviously. Are you based there now? I am.
But back then when you were just kicking off and you were getting going, coming from a town like that where most of the celebrities are footballers or sports people or whatever, what was it like being the musical celebrities around town that everyone probably wanted a piece of? It doesn't happen that much anymore, like the local boys that pop off. Rocky's got you guys and, you know, Nilly's got Silverchair and you don't really see that as much as you used to in the pub rock era. Every town had a band that was on that. Yeah, but even still, coming out of Rocky originally and the country, I would say country, Queensland, what would happen is anyone that had anything going, they'd move to Brisbane City and Melbourne and then they'd become a Sydney or Melbourne or Brisbane band.
Yeah, yeah. We were actually talking about that with Tex Perkins the other day. He went from Darwin to Brizzy. Oh, was he from Darwin? Yeah, yeah. Maybe he just presumed that, I just presumed he was a Melbourne boy. Yeah, yeah, and then ended up, yeah. And then you think of American music, right? People own where they're from. Yeah. And there's a sound to it and we look back in hindsight, like we've got a sound and it's like people say it's a Queensland sound, which is probably a bit, you know, but yeah, I suppose it is a bit sunshiny and Jeremy's harmonies and whatever. Yeah, yeah. So, Rocky. There is a sound, yeah.
There's the beef. Smells like steak. Industrial kind of, the beef Motown. Motown.
And then when did you, I mean you had to learn how to make a trade out of this, right? Like you signed, so it's a bit different now, you know, it's not like Slim Dusty does a hundred albums while on the road playing in a different town every night. That was a trade, right? Yeah. You guys got signed and they said, we'll look after you, you just keep playing. Pretty much. And you just keep making albums and, you know, you guys can disappear for a little while and make an album and come back. How did you begin, you know, looking at this as a trade?
Like now we've got, we've got new bosses now. We've got deliverables that we've got to bring them because they're not going to fucking sign us for one album and look after us forever. No, but I've got to say we were signed after we already recorded and released our first album. They just re-released it and actually got us on Triple J and got us played. But we probably had, we probably just then thought, oh, okay, let's do whatever it takes to, but they were like, no, pull the reins. You guys are going to be long-term career artists, so we just want you to sort of do your thing. So I got to give them credit there.
All right. So they did let you beat yourselves a little bit. Yeah. To the point where we were talking about this yesterday, Jeremy. We were probably trying to race ahead, weren't we? Yeah, yeah, no, definitely. You know, we wanted the first album to be Ed Sheeran style. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But we came through with Ed Sheeran and he was playing 500, we were playing 500. We were playing 1,000, he was playing 1,000. We were playing 800, he was playing 30,000.
Just keep going like that. Yeah. You guys got to the Tivoli. He was at Suncorp. Maybe stadium tours on this next album. Oh, shit. Yeah, so you just got to keep yourself humble. Well, Queensland is becoming a bit of a, you know, a bit of a Texas in that regard.
I think the most impressive thing that's happened to live music in the last 20 years in Australia is this Fortitude Hall that they've opened up. Oh, it's magic. Yeah, and that's a perfect size for, you know. It's huge. What is it, 4,000 standing? Yeah, about three and a half and you can close up the top and get, you know, 1,800. And they've got a bar as well at the top if you want to do like cabaret for 400. And then they go. I think we did a book launch up the top of the, top of the old Fortitude Hall. Outpost, it's great. We rehearsed there. But yeah, it's, you know, and big sound and there's all this stuff happening in Queensland and they've also been, I mean, look, I'm saying it now, I'm calling it.
10 years time, Busby Maru at the opening ceremony of the Brisbane Olympics. We might be dead by then. I wanted to ask about the name Busby Maru.
Obviously, you know, there's lots of people always talk about that to be a good band name and people throw all sorts of band names around. There's different iterations of bands and artists and all that sort of stuff.
Jeremy Maru, Thomas Busby, obviously we landed on Busby Maru. I said at the start as a joke, it sounded like a law firm except they found out he's a lawyer and they've actually had the same department.
Not too far off at all. Maybe that's life after music. Setting up in Rocky. That sounds depressing too. Were there any that hit the cutting room floor or are there any kind of other things you went out under?
They're out in the smoking area picking up girls bands. Protest Party Rock. Play Uncle Cracker.
Mate, I remember Googling names like trying to think of something clever. Couldn't. It was too clever for Busby Maru. Needed Chat GBT. How good is it? Yeah.
But my old man, he has no shame. When he was alive he was literally no shame and we'd be playing at the Oxford Hotel which was our local and on the board was Tom and Jerry.
And that started to stick and we hated it. We hated it.
Tom and Jerry, Tom and Jerry. And my dad would pull up at the roundabout, pull the car up at the roundabout, leave the car, cars couldn't get around him. He's in his pajamas. He'd just go out to get milk and see us. And he'd just limp on in with his PJs on and start banging on the, on the guitar. I'd be like, please dad, there's girls here, please. Please dad. And he'd be going, Tom and Jerry, Tom and Jerry. Then he'd jump back in his car.
So that name started to stick. The very next day we went, let's just stick with our surnames. We've got to do something about this Tom and Jerry business. It wasn't much thought really put into it. It just happened. And then not only that, Jeremy's actual name is pronounced Marau.
Right. Because Jeremy was just sort of like, didn't correct people. Yeah. It's basically it's on Triple J and that's it now. Tom and Alex have said that. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Right.
So your family, were you always Rocky? I'm born and bred in Rocky, but all my family's from Torres Strait Island.
And Marau, it's an interesting one where you kind of let the, you kind of let the punter decide what your name is in terms of what the band name is. Yeah. We've gone anywhere from sort of Cairns North, they'll say Busby Marau. Because they're familiar with your family name.
And my dad couldn't, he couldn't even speak English properly. So he was just like, ah, like call him out on roll calls. He would just blow.
Yeah. Just roll with it. So we just rolled with it. Yeah. Right. And you both come from musical families. Yeah. Jeremy's family though. That's next level. Right.
And I'm like, oh shit, it's because they're like, is Tommy coming? Can you get him to bring the guitar? I'm like, what? And I get there for one song and then they take it. And I'm like, well, why do you even make me play?
It's embarrassing. They're all so talented and I'm going to stumble along, but. Well, I mean, it's interesting that each band has their, you know, their inspiration as a band.
But individually, what would you say was being played around you as kids? Chalk and cheese. Yeah. From what we grew up with.
I, you know, I'm the youngest of eight kids. So I got seven brothers and sisters, four sisters and three brothers.
So that's just anywhere from Wilson Phillips and Madonna from my sister. Of course. You know, all the singles. And then my brothers were Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty, R.E.M. and The Cars and Garth Brooks. Yeah. So I was an album guy and those singer songwriters, Crowded House, of course, Paul Kelly. And that's me. And then Jeremy. Yeah, mine's very chalk and cheese. That's a good way to put it. I grew up right in the church. So Hillsong from start to finish. Really? That was me. Yeah. No, just gospel.
My dad listened to a little bit of old school country, like proper country western. You know, Buck Owens and the Buckaroos type style. But I learnt my trade just at church. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And that's, I mean, we hear that's a recurring story in any country with any musician, whether or not they're Christian artists or not.
It's a great start. You get given an instrument and an audience as a teenager. And they play well. Well, we had the best gear to play on every weekend, week in, week out. So it was good. And the music's good. You know, that Christian Hillsong stuff. It's good music.
So it wasn't necessarily like, it was Pentecostal. It wasn't a TI church. No, no. It was full Pentecostal.
Right. Yeah.
Well, that's where you learn to play guitar, mate. They've got more resources than the school music department.
I was just telling Jammy, just a good segue. I've only seen the first two episodes of the new show.
Oh, yeah. Holy shit. It is outstanding. Blew my mind.
Both episodes. But rugby league for days. I could watch that. Oh, and I will watch that. Super league wars one again.
You boys are like the fine cotton one. Because that's when we go full in on Queensland. Do ya? 1980s.
We got the old artist Richie Bell. No, no. Indigenous artist from West End.
And we said, we need someone who can talk about 1980s Queensland from the position of someone who might have actually had a problem with it. You know what I mean? Talk to a lot of blokes. I'm sure Rocky speaks to a lot of blokes about that era.
They're like, oh, we love Joe. We'll get an Aboriginal artist activist. And we're bouncing him off cata. So there's two crazy old men from different ends of the spectrum. That would be awesome.
And basically how horse racing was basically at the centre of the corruption of underworld and government. It all met at horse racing.
Yeah, right, of course it did. And it's the most Queensland story ever. Okay, I'm fascinated already. Yeah, I look forward to it. But yeah, no, we learn a bit about, but in our research on the Hillsong episode, we learn a bit about, you know, that. And when people walk into those Pentecostal churches, particularly those like aeroplane hangar ones in the city, it's an experience. It's a spiritual experience because you're listening to the best audio you're ever going to hear. Oh, phenomenal.
You don't get that shit in a pub gig. No. No, you don't.
Cold Drizzle is only just getting that now.
It's so good. It's just the gear and the musicianship, like, you know. Well, Jeremy started out playing drums and bass and he learned every instrument there. They wouldn't let me play guitar because the other guys, because there's heaps of guitar. I got stuck on the bass or the instrument no one really wants to play. But it was good. Like I said, you learn your trade really good because you play so much too. And then, I mean, everyone's got their moment, whether they're Gang of Ears or they're, you know, Matt Corby or any number of bands that came through the church and ended up at Oxford Arts Factory. What was the moment for you when you're like, actually, music can be a bit more fun if you go down this path?
Oh, I think it was. I was probably honestly just meeting Tom. Yeah, right.
You know, I was playing at pubs on the weekend and getting in trouble for it. You can't play at the church if you play at the pubs. The girls at the pub.
But meeting Tom really made me slow. And I learned a lot about outside music too. I was so sheltered in that church environment.
All right, so you got to hear all those themes. Mate, I reckon this has kind of helped develop the sound because Jeremy had no knowledge of actual bands. Mainstream. Any major, even old bands.
Rolling Stones. I was like, who's Rolling Stones?
Like, what? I mean, you almost would like to be in that position to discover all that again, you know?
Mate, well, also he didn't have any influences, so he didn't care. And it kind of, you know, it added to our flavour because he wasn't trying to play like anyone else. He's just doing what he does.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, we didn't recognise that for a while looking back, you know. Jeremy also loved country music. We used to fight about the music we liked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to always say, oh yes, go for your arty taste. Yeah, yeah. And I used to say, you like Keith Urban, he straightens his hair. And now we both appreciate both. We've all played a few masters now, so you love country music, right? Yeah. Did you get up there? Yeah, we were playing there this year too. Yeah, yeah. So it is hard, and I guess you've explained that, why this is the case, but it is hard to pigeonhole, buzz me. You'll be put on country music playlists and, you know, even I dare say, you know, some people will consider it a bit rootsy. Yeah. And definitely indigenous Australian music as well. You know, you kind of fit a whole lot of different categories. What do you guys think you are? Yeah, good question. I mean, the best way I've heard it described where I'm like, okay, I think that makes more sense is folk inspired pop. Okay. You know, I like that.
Obviously I would have never given you that. No, I mean, maybe that was old school. I don't know. But I saw that, I was like, maybe that's kind of right.
Because it's acoustic music at the end of the day, and Jeremy can play, you know, the electrics and all the stuff. But when it's the two acoustics and us doing harmonies, you know, we wrap that up with all the nice production or whatever, it still sounds like Buzz Bimmeroo.
Fifth album now. How would things change from that first album? I mean, let's not go with the first album, because you made the first album before you got signed. Second album, you get a taste of the resources that are available to, you know, a signed up band.
Went to Nashville, did all the things, you know, lived it out, and I can't remember much of it, but I loved it. Everyone loves telling their little trip to Nashville.
We're talking to your mate up there. Coxy. Coxy's talking about his trip to Nashville.
I was like, fuck. Oh, mate. Unsupervised by the sounds of things. Oh, mate.
Any trip, he could just go down to the local shop and be unsupervised and wild. Deep sea diving forced him to quit cigarettes.
No, it has. I thought he was shitting when he told me. He's like, all of a sudden, we're going fishing.
I'm a wee off subject here. Especially when he's like, oh, shouldn't I get in the diving? Right. What? You want to get in the diving? Yeah, yeah. I was like, you can't dive, mate.
We're too fat, and you punch the darts.
He quit the next day, and that was eight months ago. Yeah, I was telling the truth. That's a handy hack out there. Get into deep sea diving if you need to quit. But I can tell you this, it's not real deep.
He comes back and he's like, mate, I can stand up here. He's like, yeah, there's fishing. Swimming and swimming. He's like, you need a few more belts to put around your guts, mate. He told us about sinking two boats, too, as well. I said, he's really gone. He's from the snowing house. He's learning a lot about the coast.
I was meant to be on that voyage. Oh, right. And I said to him, I said, mate, and I knew the bloke he was going with, he was mad. I said, mate, have you looked at the weather? Yeah, yeah, no, we'll just make sure we drop the anchor. I said, well, naturally, that's what you do. I rang him the next day. I said, hey, just go.
I said, oh, we sunk. Sent me a picture. We sunk it. Two boats gone under the water.
And, yeah, he was talking about that guy. I actually heard that podcast, and I know the story well. But the guy that he went with, who I've recently met, is from Stanage Bay.
They call him the pirate. That is a journey in itself, mate. He's got his pirates, man. Forget the weather. Going out on a boat with this bloke is.
If you look on our Instagram, we've got a series coming out. Like a little Instagram series leading up to the release of our album.
And we went up to Stanage Bay to rehearse. That's what we told our wives at least anyway. And, mate, this bloke took us out. Oh, man, just have a look. It's nuts. And it doesn't surprise me that he's a boat. The pirates. We were looking for him, actually. We were going up that way.
What is the genesis of the pirate? Where did that come from? He sunk two boats. That pirate must have been before then, right? He got his leg cut off in a motorbike because he was getting chased by drug lords. That just sums it up in a sentence. And he was called the pirate before he lost his leg.
So how far are you guys from that stretch up there, the Badlands? Is that near Rocky? The Marlborough stretch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the turn off to Stanage Bay where we're talking about is smack bang in the middle of that stretch. So where are you going? Yeah, well, I want to go up and check it out. I mean, it would be worth a Batut of Aqueduct episode on, on just the Badlands. It's the most notorious stretch of highway in the country. Yeah.
It's like there's a lot of black spots, a lot of dangerous road accidents, but there's also a lot of murders. There's also an abandoned town that's meant to be just off the side, like somewhere around there where there's a ghost town, they call it.
Yeah, right. We know a bit about them. Yeah.
What is different now that you're married up? Is it much more clinical? It can be. Do you guys do it offsite? You do it in different rooms now, or are you living in different places?
We're so busy. Like, we're on the road, nonstop. We've got so much going on.
When we go home, we've both got four kids, and when we go home, my kids are young. Jeremy's older now. Well, there's four between you? No. Four each. I should have known. Family of breeders, mate. I'm not saying it's a good idea.
There's a musician on the road all the time.
You could take eight kids if you had to. Holy moly. I could. I wouldn't, but I could.
So, yeah, when we go home, it's clocked off, you know, and you're hanging out. But when it's writing time, it's like, okay, we've got to book it in a bit. This album in particular, like, yeah, things have changed. I wouldn't say we've settled down. We've just gotten older and slower. But when we're recording, with this album in particular, we just took our time. We've never been able to take our time. We've always probably thought, you know, it's just had agendas, even though we said we didn't, we thought we might have an agenda for radio or whatever. But just the harder we've become and sort of settled in our lives, it's like, let's just write an album that we'd actually listen to.
And you've got the fans, too, that you can, you know, you've got a base now. You don't have to worry about catching new audiences or whatever. It sounds like a free place to be, because, like, you don't have to consider what works for radio. You don't have to consider, you're not even going to think about the social media aspects of music or anything like that. You've got the fans.
So you're making an album that everyone wants. Oh, totally. And look, do you know what's helped us is, between album four and this album, the whole music landscape changed so much. Singles aren't really singles. Who knows what the hell's what? You know, Spotify streaming, radio, it's all just like... An album's really a photo shoot now, isn't it? Yeah. For the cover. Pretty much. I think, you know, we're one of the last bands that do albums. But we're just not really a single TikTok band. Yeah.
You haven't got the little TikTok jingle. It's ready to go viral. 30 seconds. I'll just try it. The Buzzy Maroon dance.
But it is funny. It's funny, some of the old music that tends to do well on these platforms. And Kate Bush was a great example.
Perfect. I think all these little millennials thought they discovered running up that hill. It would be great if they discovered biding my time again. I know, mate. They could. It was like Uncle Kev's retirement plan from Little Things Big Things Grow ended up on the insurance ad. Remember that one? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, good.
He's just still reaping it out of the little wall. It's good. Yeah, we caught up with him last year. He's still doing well. He's... He's rock and roll.
You're talking about protest rock. He told us, Uncle Kev comedy didn't know that his album had done... His first album had done so well for a couple of years because he wasn't using the phone because it was tapped. You're talking about an agitator. Yeah. Well, you never know.
What are some of the favorite spots you guys like to go to? You do a lot of smaller towns, regional tours. What are some of the best spots and places you look forward to?
Are there any patches? Have you got a surprising patch somewhere where they turn out for Buzzfeed River Road? Mate, I'll tell you a surprising spot that we didn't know existed.
We do this thing called Tiny Towns Tours. We do this thing called Tiny Towns Tours every now and then.
Can't do them all year round. You'd die.
Well, actually, it's pretty good. You strip back to basics. You try to hustle a bit, but you're just drinking all the time. And regional piste is a different level. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's an old school lock-in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The public has been waiting for this for months.
You're not going to bed. How many times did you go to bed? I couldn't go to bed in the last tour in Aidsvold.
Because I had this two gigs left, and I went straight from the gig into the room. I was losing my voice. The publican, who was a legend, he just followed me and went, Right, I'll be sitting here for the next few hours.
And that was five in the morning, and then the boys are knocking on the door.
I'm like, here we go. You can't do too many Tiny Towns Tours. Oh, man. Seriously. But they're awesome, and we love it. And the people are just, they're up for it.
But when we announced one of our first ones, we were like, where do you want us to come? And we already sort of plotted where we were going to go. And we want to know if there's anywhere else. And there's this place in New South Wales called Armatree. And they kept saying, come to Armatree, Armatree, Armatree. And I'm like, what?
These people just might stop. And I googled it, 26 people. No chance. And it's in the middle of nowhere. 26? I mean, is that even a post office? Probably not. It's maybe back in the day.
It's six, seven houses and a pub. Yeah, and just properties and stuff.
And we get there for the first one. The publicans are legends. We get there. And we got there overnight. And we stayed at the pub. We woke up for breakfast.
They cooked us a ribeye on the bun until he's new. Yum. And literally nine o'clock. Until he's new. Scooter hold. That's the Armatree breakfast. It's like, wow. Then took us shooting, clay shooting. And the boys set up.
800 people capped at 800 people. Turned up to that gig. Turned up. Sold out at 800.
We can't even. Central West New South Wales. Mate, there's just above Dubbo. Yeah, right.
They caught this train in. They get off at the, not even a train stop.
It's just the pubs. They just stop at the pub and they jump off and they're all maggot.
And we played. They didn't, most of them didn't know us. It's just the, we've since learned this. People want to go to places. Yeah, right. And if there's music, great. And then if they connect with you, then they've discovered you.
And then the next year, we did it again. And then next year we did it again. We haven't even since before COVID, but we'll probably go to these places, you know, all the time.
Yeah. And it is funny that the towns are recognising that now. It all started, I feel, with that drought in New South Wales. There's a millennium drought and Parks said, we've got to do something. And they come up with the Elvis Festival in Parks. Yeah, that's good.
Because they're like, you know, there wasn't a harvest this year. There wasn't one last year.
We need to bring people. And they did the Parks Elvis Festival. And I've just found out the last couple of years, I realised they've started doing a Bowie Festival in Corinda out near Walgett, because that's where he filmed Let's Dance in that country park.
Oh, did he? Yeah. And then there's also a yarn that the only gig Johnny Cash ever did in Australia was a fundraiser for the nurses in Stanthorpe. And so Stanthorpe's thinking about maybe a black festival. Is that true? He was here on holidays and someone roped him into...
You can do that in summer.
He saw that part of Australia. No, we're very lucky. Jeremy said this yesterday, he's like, doesn't know why more bands don't do what we do and try to get to these places. But we're lucky with our style of music. And also coming from Rocky, we go out to the mining towns, to all these country towns and play 21st and 18th and weddings and everything. We did it all. And so then when we became Busby Maru, they would be making the trip into Brizzy to watch us. And we're like, man. And the penny drops. Why don't we go back? But actually put on not quite a Hillsong production show, but let's take the gig. And we did.
And it worked. They just turned up. And I appreciate it. Yeah. And they'll turn up next time. That's right.
Some of the biggest selling festivals in the country, though, are festivals in... Weird spots.
Wynton West. Big Red Bash. Wynton, yeah, for sure.
Danny Eatmaster. Not Danny.
They've got 40,000 tickets and they're in tiny little towns. Have you ever played in the islands?
No.
I mean, we've gone up fishing. We've done little school visits, but we've never done a gig gig. We've had guitars out on the beach and stuff, but we've never done a gig gig. You could probably do a gig at Thursday Islands.
Yep. And they've asked us to come and do one. Yeah.
Seaman Dan used to play. Was it Horn or Thursday? Thursday or Horn. Every Thursday he'd be playing. That would have been a great experience to see him there.
Yeah. But yeah, Jeremy's taken me on some pretty mad fishing trips up there. Yeah. And like scary, very scary. I was going scary, but no scary. Awesome, though. Holy cow.
Eton.
Locally, up there? Oh, yeah, yeah. Turtle and Jurgen on the menu every night.
Oh, even I get a bit scared because you jump on these tinnies and there is no such thing as safety gear. And there's no such thing as someone coming to rescue you. You come back. There's nothing under the skin.
But yeah, I'm at it from the beginning. I'm on a yellow tinnie with that.
I remember seriously just sinking into me boat one stage deep into the second day and just was thinking of my kids and wife back home. I didn't, I thought I was going to die.
Yeah. Don't take the pirate on those trips. No. Eat those trips up.
He wouldn't actually. He'd probably get you out of it.
I took an EPIRB up. I thought I'd go to BCF. I'd buy an EPIRB. If I get stuck in there, I'll pop the button.
They're like, how long do you think it takes to get a helicopter here? Oh yeah. There's sharks everywhere mate. This is coming from Moresby. It's not coming here.
And jammies. Oh jammies are in particular.
They're on the beach, mate. They literally beach themselves. People, I mean, I'll have to show you the video because people think I'm joking when I say I can walk down to the beach. Put your feet in the water up to your ankles and grab a shark three meters long as it swims apart and drag it up the beach.
So it's not even just yarns. It's like, it's visible. You can see them right there. Oh yeah. Where we're standing. People still swim. So they're not that aggressive or? They're jammies, but every now and again, a big tug will come through and just cut one in half. Yes. Because the water's so clear, you can kind of see them coming. So someone's sort of going, oh no, the shark's sort of going this way.
Who's going to get the tinnie today? Oh, not me. Perfect meal for those buggers. The plier tinnie.
Oh well. Sounds like that's on the cards then, I guess. I mean, your island's not big enough, you're saying. What's that? Oh, it's big enough.
I mean, there's only a couple hundred people on the island. It's a very small island.
But I mean, getting there and back is insanely expensive and it's scary as well. Also scary.
Tiny little planes and the end of the airstrip's a cliff and you sort of, you shut your eyes when you land. And you got to weigh yourself when you get on because you can't obviously be over a certain weight.
And it's serious. It's not just stuff like this. No.
And if you've got a couple of Jeremy's uncles that have just been eating, you know, doodongs for a last year. And they're like, did he weigh?
And then the plane's kind of on a tilt coming in. You're like, please land.
Sounds like fucking adventure tourism. It's an experience. Adrenaline tourism, for sure. It actually is, seriously, it's the best thing I've ever done.
And the first time we went with Jeremy, he was shitting himself. So I was even, I was petrified.
Small planes aren't fun though. Not so much the plane, but just you going back to country. You hadn't been for a while.
Yeah, true.
And you didn't know what to expect, I think, you know, and there's all history about this island in particular. And then I remember an old lady was one of the aunties that you didn't know.
She just walked straight up to you, grabbed you by the face. And I'm like, Oh my God. Turned and went, welcome home, son. It's like, holy moly.
Because when, I mean, obviously when they're up there, we're down here, we get called mainlanders because they still live on the islands. So it's like, Oh, well, we're still, I'm still a Murray Islander too. But as soon as you go there, it's just like, wow, you have a family. It makes you feel very, very emotional sometimes. Do they turn out the mainland TI mob, they turn out in your gigs in Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
Anyway, especially up north, you know, all my family, if they're down there, they're definitely coming. The guest list is generally bigger than the punters. On the door. And they tuck right into.
You just can't not put them on the door. You just can't not.
Also dangerous for Jeremy. He lost his dad at a young age. So some of the uncles, when we first started touring, they hadn't seen him maybe since or whatever. I remember one time we rocked up in Cairns. We were playing it like our first sold out show at Tanks. You know, we get there Friday and one of his uncles come to pick him up Friday morning to come around to the house. And Jeremy didn't want to go.
I was like, no, you don't understand. You don't understand.
Anyway, next day is gig Saturday. We hadn't seen Jeremy for two days.
We couldn't get a hold of him. Holy moly, it was a bender. He tried to warn you. He tried to warn us. Tried to get away with it.
But rocked up, nailed the gig and everyone was there and said it all worked out.
But I was petrified. I was petrified.
So what's the feeling with album number five? I mean, what would you say, I've asked you to describe yourselves as a band throughout your time, you know, together. But what would you say the sound is on this one? Ambitious.
You know, a little bit. In the past, we tried to write big songs that, you know, you're always thinking that you're not as acoustic as you should be or it's not really Buzz Mira. But they still sound like us. We've just tried to, you know, step up the notch with some of the production. But then in the guts of the album, we've gone back to basics as well and really just tried to strip it to the stories. And that was to Jeremy's credit actually, you know, we tried to re-record a few songs and he was like, no, no, we're just going with the demo. Let's not overthink it. And that's part of where we're at with this album as well. Just really not trying to impress anyone. A little bit self-indulgent because we're writing for ourselves. We're not trying to write to keep radio happy or tick all the boxes that the label might want. We're just writing because the production especially, production is just about what we think sounds nice.
Yeah. Sounds like a good place to be. I reckon. In terms of your artistry. Yeah.
There's no, like there's no commercial checkpoints. There's nothing.
It's just make an album. No, totally. And there's still songs that are, you know, commercially viable for sure.
And we've probably learnt that over the years. But you say it's self-indulgent but I still think our fans have always wanted that. They want us to be sounding like we did when we first started. So hopefully there's enough of that in there for everyone. I mean there is for us.
We played it start to finish the other day for the first time we've ever done that. Cape Hillsborough Beach to launch it. Oh, you did a listening party or something? No, it was a thing for Queensland Music Trails. Oh, you played? We played it from start to finish. In between the tides. Yeah, right.
Yeah, but there's a lot of pressure on that. So the people that didn't think, the people that didn't know what the gig was about were just like, yes, I know every song. Well, I had to warn them.
Sorry guys. Sorry about that. If you read the memo, sorry.
There's something we know. Something we can dance to, buddy. Well, that's a big job, playing an album top to bottom, just up to you. It was intense. Haven't even played it on. Well, we were supposed to practise and rehearse it when we went to Stenage Bay with the pirate. But the pirate got us. I mean, it looks like we practised in the videos. The rehearsals, yes. We did a little bit. Then we did the Tiny Towns tour, but you can't play all the songs. And mate, it was full on, to be honest. We were trying to remember the words and then the chat and the chords. But it worked out and it was pretty special, actually, by the end of it.
Yeah, right. Well, we're looking forward to it, mate. Any tour dates that we got? Yeah, the Blood Red Tour. Kicking off, middle of August there, I believe Friday the 18th of August in Gladys. Yeah.
And then you go Bundy the next night. I notice Friday Saturdays, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So you're just taking the week to recover.
Yeah. You're back home recharging. It takes us that long there. It does. Fair enough. There's a few.
And also, there's four kids at home. Yeah, you've got to spend some family time.
They need to sub in at some point. Can't be doing two or three months standards anymore. But yeah, it's all over.
Queensland, New South Wales, bit of Victoria in there too. South Australia as well.
Yeah, the Gov. Yeah. Oh, the Gov. We played the Gov on our live tour. Oh, did you? It's great. Establishment for that place.
We were running out of steam. We've told the show before. We thought we were doing the entertainment center. Because we did QPAC in Brissie. It was a big platoon of production with Meteor and all this shit. And then we got bumped.
There was a block party. The block party were in town.
They're like, you're not there anymore. So they moved us to the Gov. It was a relief because we hadn't sold enough tickets for the entertainment center. And then we kind of get there. We realize, oh, there's two different senses of humor here. Like, you know, this Adelaide crowd are coming because I am a platoon of Broken Hill. And we kind of get that vibe. And then we kind of like, it was just way too localized for them. So we just started making Snowtown jokes. No, we'll play that.
The Gov's a good gig. The Gov's great.
You go backstage and see all the bands that have come out of there. Yeah. It's like, you know, there's a place in every city like that, you know, where they just sell even, they sell better because of the place. You know, the corner in Melbourne's one. The Triffid and Brizzy's becoming that now. Yeah. So we want to go there for a beer as well. Totally. Yeah. Happy to go. You know, it's going to be a good night. The Gov?
What are they playing in Sydney and Brizzy? Marrickville. They have a factory theater there in Marrickville.
Yeah. I think that's the only one in Sydney. And you got Newey.
Yamba? Yamba.
Yeah, that's an odd one. We're throwing that out there. Not even the Pacific Hotel. No, I just found that out.
So I hope the Bolo's pretty good. The Bolo's a good, it's a good spot. We've had some good nights at the Pacific Hole. It's the best pub in, I was going to say Queensland, so nice.
It's a great pub because it's got a great view, but the pub isn't facing the view. The beer garden is facing the street. We're all looking down there. Yeah, yeah, the tourists go and get their nice puddles down into the beer garden area.
So true. Yeah, we're watching fucking TV screens all around. Staring into a car park. So true.
So I noticed Yamba's a Saturday night, free Friday night before. Yeah, I think we've got Gympie and then we have a night off to get there, which we'll need after that. And then maybe back at Goldie.
That's my hometown now. Right. Oh, we're everywhere. Rocky and then up north, of course, Brizzy and all the rest. But Rocky and- Rocky Town's from Mackay, Cairns, they're all big ones. You're in every town once you get to the Central Queensland, yeah, right. We put them on our Metro tours, you know, because they're our big spots. Yeah, for sure.
What, are you going to be glamping up at Gympie? I hope not.
I think we're in and out, aren't we? Yeah. Because we've got to travel to- It's too dangerous, mate. We've done that. It is too dangerous. Oh, you can't, yeah. It's good fun, but it's like if we're in the middle of a tour, mate, that place. Have you been?
Yeah, I've been there and I remember there was a punch on one year between artists. I'll tell you when the mics are off, but it was- Love it. Oh, that's right, we're touring at the same time. Yeah, they were, it's a funny yarn too, because it happened. One was an international artist, one was a local- Love it already. And then it, you know, la la la, fuck you, you big mouth, la la la. It punched on in like the artist glamping area. And then that was all, that was it. Because the Gympie masters are notoriously not rowdy, like it's not punchy in the actual- No, it's- The punters are the greatest you'll get. That's true. You're full of rum and there's not one punch thrown, but it was happening in the artist area. And then that all happened la la la. Two years later, something, someone missed the memo and these two were parked next to each other again. They did it again two years later. That is gold. I'm sure there's been a few artists and campers that bought a punch.
There was a year there that they banned fires. Remember the year they banned fires?
So there was no fire. So everyone finished a gig full of rum. They went back to the camps and they weren't gazing at a fire.
So they're like- What else can we do? There were fires all around the park. We need these hypnotising, flickering lights to keep these blokes safe. Of course, that would have gotten a bit rowdy without them. How do we keep- Oh, it's cold. I'm going to rest in fire. Move around a bit.
Well, bless. Thanks, boys. Thanks for joining us. All the best on this tour and yeah, let it rip. Yeah, thanks guys. Thanks for having us.
Blood red the album's out now.
Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_nyc_hires_first_ever_rat_czar_rescuers_save_lost_hikers_on_mushrooms_snl | Kathleen Karate was announced as New York City's first Rat Czar, a title that was formerly known as Miss Staten Island.
Ha, ha, ha, loser. ha, ha, ha, loser. you end funky, huh?
Wow. archaeologists have discovered a 1,000-year-old scoreboard used for an ancient Mayan ball game, the score of which was Mayan's 24, New York Jets Zero. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. the New York City Department of Sanitation has launched its first campaign in 15 years with messages such as, if you litter, you're garbage, which is actually dialed back from the original version. your litter belongs in the trash next to your whore wife. a proposed bill in California would create an alert system for missing black women and kids. this is in addition to the alert system for missing white women and kids, The News. a new report from the Cdc shows that in 2021, cases of sexually transmitted diseases jump by 7% to what experts describe as nursing home levels. it's happening, guys. a new study suggests that the average man exaggerates the length of their penis by more than 20%, but aren't you supposed to add 20% for tip?
Two 81-year-old women have traveled the world in 80 days after the post office lost their ashes. a group of hikers in Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. more embarrassing, they never actually left the house.
And police in Australia arrested a man after he was caught at a bus stop masturbating for over an hour.
Australia, where the police let you finish. |
programmersarealsohuman | steve_jobs_wet_dream | What is your role model when it comes to design and personal computing? I'm Ute Slinger and Rick Dickinson. But what about Steve Jobs? He's not one of my role models. Steve Jobs was a poser who couldn't code, right?
Welcome Paul Roney. Thank you for taking this interview. You have raised 3.7 million dollars for Kosmic. Imagine I was a VC. Try to explain the product as if you're speaking to a five-year-old who's hyped up about AI.
It's a web browser that's plugged into a spatial canvas. So most of your work can be integrated and you don't have to switch between your apps all day long. I don't have to press command. Command tab, yeah.
So we have a lot of students that are using Kosmic for example. Students don't have a lot of money. Let's not talk about students.
The branch of computing in history we're mainly interested in is the history of hypertext. Hypertext is a concept that was introduced by Ted Nelson and Doug Engelbart in the 60s. And it was like this is the kind of file system that creative peoples, professors, students and any kind of knowledge worker needs. That article itself being based on the work of Vannevar Bush who wrote an article about a device called the Memex in 1945 saying we need a machine that allows us to cross-reference the different parts of our knowledge bases. All of that work became then I would say the basis of the Xerox PARC work. And that's where the desktop metaphor got invented. It's just an environment above a very interesting, very weird project called Smalltalk. And the desktop metaphor of the PARC became the basis of the desktop metaphor of the Mac. So your startup is based on some article from the 60s.
We couldn't make the Kosmic app work on Windows. Let's not talk about Windows here. We're being on serious products.
What was your main task in the early days? So in the early days I was mainly doing I would say product design. Design? I was doing the design of the user interface of course. The user interface?
I think I have some wrong information here because it says you're the co-founder. I am the co-founder. I'm the product designer and the co-founder and my other co-founder is the CTO.
So basically I was doing the... So you studied design not computer science? I studied philosophy. Philosophy in your free time? Do you also paint and read about art history?
I don't know how to draw. Well, I'm super bad at drawing. So you are the designer, you don't know how to draw?
I can use Figma. These are some of the graphics I found on your Twitter. Yeah. You have 2135 followers. Can you explain Kosmic a bit more? We have a database that stores not files but objects that float. In that database. And we connect them together with links. Transclusion links which is one of Ted Nelson's core technologies.
We are trying to create a model of his vision. Are you some sort of favorite startup from Ted Nelson? I don't know if he likes what we do that much because we compromised a lot to produce something that you can install on your computer. This, if he likes it, which we don't know, should have been this from the get-go. In 1960 he was already warning people of the evil of a nested file folder. Let's talk more about your actual speciality.
Design. Why is design necessary at all? The goal of design is to sit between art and mass production. How do we in a mechanized world make sure that the machines and the tools of everyday life keep getting better are still, you know, are designed with the people in mind? Isn't design more like fashion?
One year it's this. It shouldn't. The other it's this.
Good design is timeless. Do you know this design? Oh, the rabbit, yeah. So as an object I love it because I think we need more colors. If you look at computers right now, for example, they're surgical. They're in metal, they're extremely precise, they're machined. And also the wheel, like having new interactions, paradigms, is something that I'm very interested in. The first companies to have designed personal computers, to have hired an industrial designer, to have said we need to make computers smaller, cheaper, is Sinclair. It's a company from the UK.
Apple came only second. Steve Jobs was a poser who couldn't code, right? I think someone that couldn't code wouldn't have created a platform like Next.
It's very nuanced. I think he was right on so many things, but also wrong or too extreme on other things. I have doubts about a lot of things they did to Mac OS. I criticize them for a lot of stuff.
I think Microsoft has just upped and upped. While I say it again, let's not talk about Microsoft. We all know there were other engineers and designers involved in some of the greatest Apple products.
What is this? Albert Epstein and Mark Twain. No, it's Hitchcock. And they come from the Think Different campaign.
How can Cosmic support the downfall of Google? The interesting thing with Cosmic is that we do not... All this is going out on the internet. You can be a little bit harder about Google. Yeah, I can be a little bit harder. We cannot displace Google with the means we have right now, even with 3.5 million.
Yet. What we see is that we have users that just never close the product, which is exactly what we want. They just... Keep staying addicted.
It's... No, not addicted. It's running in the background. Why not? I don't think it's a goal I have. But that brings revenue. I think you kind of have a very healthy revenue stream without addicting people to your product. I hope so, at least. If you want to create a software for creative people and it's not well designed, creative people will not use you. But if you design it for finance people, it could be shitty designs. No, I think it needs to be...
So you think art is important because it makes a few things? I think art is important because it also shows the world, shows our whole specie that we can make beautiful things. And for the sake of making beautiful things. And it shows that humans can do something else than just, you know, brainless production or brainless wars or brainless lots of things. It's very... What I'm saying is very dumb, but basically I think it's awesome to see that people can express something through a medium. It can be music, it can be drawings, it can be paintings. Design is also a form of expression. That's honestly, that's something that I'm very interested in.
Maybe life wasn't about innovating at a fast pace, making the world a better place and building useless SaaS products. Maybe it wasn't about selling instant gratification and jumbo ringtones to malleable people. I knew I had to change my game because making money just wasn't my North Star anymore. Par back to reality.
You would end up with a stack of cards that could almost behave like a program. Super marvelous software, kind of our North Star. But a very weird software in terms of commercial success, because basically Bill Atkinson said to Apple, either you bundle it with every Mac you sell or iMac. |
dropout | birthday_cake_bird_birth_no_laugh_newsroom | all that and more keep it together all that more spilling out of my little shrimp rocket from west hollywood california the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it anyone who laughs or breaks loses points this is breaking news hello and welcome to the breaking news the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and aren't allowed to smile or laugh i'm finna get it and i'm bet min forever starting out with a little fun we're getting reports of an armed robbery at the la punta pick and save none were spared that is fun on tonight's show teens what the latest teen craze could say about your parenting we'll also cover a recipe from my personal collection and get some answers on why everyone's mad at buster keaton spoiler alert he looks wet and that's hard to trust all that and more keep it together all that more spilling out of my little shrimp rocket but first let's pop lock and drop on over to the weather which due to our budget cuts will be handled by our very own bet men forever that that's me a cold is going to take you it's going to hold you down for eternity i'm talking of course about death back to you finna thank you that was honest and fair back to you and right back to you thank you our top story for tonight a bird gave birth on a child's birthday cake in mac MacArthur park was it kismet here's gate gobble on the scene thanks bet i'm here thanks bet i'm here with my dick in my hand in MacArthur park witnesses reported a normal birthday people by a lake holding a red holding red solo cups and at least one person with a backwards hat moments later a thick ass bird blew her load all over the place heartwarming indeed and now one question is on everyone's mind did you fart or did i need dental work well oh my oh only time will tell i'm gail gobble gobble gobble gobbling up that pussy back to you oh well you turned it well you turned it fear cursed we turn our attention over to the newest teen craze crowning all you need is your head and a flexible friend i'm sorry to interrupt that but we're getting some breaking news here with that is our correspondent amy schumer i feel pretty never interrupt me again i'm back again back for more i'm a greedy little booty gargoyle beauty carb royal carl senior is my father but enough about me ben afleck is rolling out a clothing line for pear shaped men but will it last certainly hope not the pear apparel this pear apparel apparently pears flared wear with luxury pricing and that really fucks my nuts how about you fenna hell yeah this whole thing sticks in my craw and it's not just a sticky little crumb like last time i'm in the same boat and i just pulled into ellis island we leave you now with our friend with our final segment cooking on a dime put a thumb sized piece of dough on your favorite tenth cent coin and a saucy pepperoni and bake for minutes that's all the time we have from breaking news i'm bett men forever and i'm finna get it before we go we have some personal news we're very proud to announce this week's employee of the week it's grant pretty comfortable with that i think that i think that makes a lot of sense i feel like there's some things we're ignoring but uh great thanks so much for watching hey what's up it's alie from college humor click here to subscribe click here to see some more cool stuff and if you want to see a hot babe in the city click here i made that this is what i like |
cracked | 12_12_07_news_on_cracked_billy_joel_s_new_song_whoopi | It's Wednesday, December 12th, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm... Oh my god. I don't know my name. I must have... Amnesia!
The New Jersey Senate is very close to making Jersey the first state in more than 40 years to abolish the death penalty. Supporters of the bill say that the worst thing the state can do to its inmates is force them to continue living out their lives in New Jersey, where even the free citizens pray for death, day after miserable day. This holiday season, unfortunately, we've been disturbed by recent Christian missionary school and church shootings in Colorado. So it's refreshing to hear that a Louisiana woman whose Christmas decorations were damaged by a neighbor's dog shot the animal's owner and is now charged with attempted second-degree murder. Thanks, Jesus!
Earlier this week, Chia pet impersonator Whoopi Goldberg called the death tax horrible on an episode of The View. Recently, Goldberg claimed that she personally lost a great deal of money due to the tax shortly after her movie career died a slow, agonizing death following rat race. Whoopi's statements have had a profound effect on us here at Cracked since the writer of this joke, Danny Gallagher, had to publicly admit that he watched an episode of The View.
Obviously, we've had to let Danny go. Billy Joel has written a new pop single, an anti-war song entitled, Christmas in Fallujah. That's true. Let's take a listen. Now Ahmed at the mosque is a friend of mine. He gets me my drinks for free. But a drink is forbidden, and he says, just kidding. Instead, try this fresh camel pea. Now Fallujah's no place for a Santa Claus. In fact, the religion is banned.
Kringle finds it unpleasant, delivering presents as reindeers just choke on the sand. Wow. He really went all out with those reindeer sounds. Oh, I'm being told that those were actual reindeer. It's impressive.
And in other news, last night I met an attractive woman at the laundromat. We hit it off and we got along great, but she left before I had a chance to give her my number. So Amy, if you're watching, send me an email. Lexicrack.com. And I'll give you my number, and maybe more.
No, no, I'm just kidding. We can just talk. We don't have to do anything, you know. No pressure. Just, you know, fun. But don't call the house, or my wife will get upset.
That's it for the news on Cracked. Tune in tomorrow when Lex Friedman. That's who I am. It's Lex Friedman. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_07_drugs_hippies_villains_in_politics_with_sen_richard_di_natale | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic Hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
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You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello listeners, you're with The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. If you're one of our new listeners streaming this show from outside the Channel Country, you'll find you're up to episode number seven of the podcast, coming live out of the Koala Studios here in downtown Batooter. Yes, hello everyone and thank you for tuning in. My name is Errol Parker, the editor of large of the humble Channel Country newspaper, The Batooter Advocate, and sitting alongside me is the fifth generation editor of this town's newspaper and descendant of our founders, Clancy Overall.
Now on this week's show, we'll be joined in the studio by a prominent hippie, bush duff enthusiast and a fan of alternative medicine, Richard Di Natale. Yes, that's right. He's also the leader of the Australian Greens Party, who some of you may know has recently called for a ban on turning rues into Swiss cheese, but Di Natale isn't here to talk to us about that today. He's here to talk about the new policy the Greens have on the old devil's lettuce, so that should be interesting. First up, we're going to talk about some of the senator's most prominent headlines of date. We've had a lot to write about when it comes to the strapping Italian hippie, haven't we, Errol? Yeah, we certainly have, Clancy. He's a bit of a controversial figure, old Di Natale.
Recently, he stirred up a few people with news that he threatened old Georgie Christensen with a machine gun. That's right, I remember that one. That caused a lot of commotion. What was the headline on that one? Well, we've got the Desert Rock FM news area today, so Bruce, can you have a stab at this one for us? Thanks, Errol. It was one you penned, actually, and it goes, Di Natale blows dust off Bob Brown's communist-era AK-47 after Christensen death threats. Thanks, Bruce. Quite a hot story, that one. Of course, Di Natale's actions were in response to some threatening behaviour from Christensen.
In a photo he put on Facebook, the Queensland MP was seen brandishing a Glock pistol at a Mackay gun range, with the caption paraphrasing the famous Dirty Harry quote. You've got to ask yourself, do you feel lucky, Greeny Punks? Yeah, and I got a hold of Rich shortly after that post, and he told me, you know, does George think this is a game? When the purge comes, he'll be hanging from a street light, you know, and that the Greens are done playing with this guy, and if he wants to get real with the Greens, then they'll get real with him.
And he then went on to explain that the gun came from Bob Brown. It was a bit of a relic passed down from Bob's days in Cuba, apparently, and it's opened more fascist heads than George has opened Corona bottles. A couple of comments on that story. Tom in South Batuta says the nation owes a lot of things to Bob Brown, none of them good. And Lewis from the old city district said that shooting George Christian through the dome with a large calibre, jacketed, ballistic-tipped bullet will only cause more problems for Richard Di Natale than it'd solve. Yeah, I think George has really kicked the hornet's nest here, but I think Richard does have a much softer side, as we learned in the year with this story about his love of holistic medicine. What was that story again, Bruce?
That one was Di Natale feeling recharged after leaving crystals out to harness the energy of the full moon. Yeah, the Greens senator and party leader said he felt like a new man after leaving his collection of semi-precious stones out all night for the first full moon of February. Di Natale, who is also a registered GP, has in the past openly criticised what he calls modern medicine and has even asked Malcolm Turnbull to free the herb. Yeah, he said to us, I feel on top of the world. I keep a couple of crystals under my pillow at home, a few under my desk, one in the Prius, and he can also feel the moon's vibrations, that they're so vibrant.
You're a young fella, Clancy. He dabbled in this sort of shit for a while, didn't he? Yeah, I guess you could say he went through a bit of a phase. Yeah, no, he's come good, the young fella. I reckon my old man would have been on the first flight out of Kowloon if you heard me sprouting that sort of shit. Yeah, well, yeah, you could imagine that. A good army man that he is. Wouldn't have looked too fondly upon the hippie ideology. Anyway, I just ignored my young fella and he seems to have grown out of it.
That's good to hear, mate. On to the next story. What have you got for us, Bruce?
Richard Di Natale labels Scott Morrison a typical Taurus in a speech to Senate. He also described Morrison, the Cronulla Bible thumper, as bullish and aggressive before saying, I mean, hello, he's just a typical Taurus, like a bull in a china shop.
So dumb, bullish and aggressive. It's just sad.
Well, Morrison didn't like that, did he, Clancy? He hit back by saying, I am a fucking Taurus and I love being one, but grow up, cunt. Don't bring that shit into Parliament.
It's great to know our democratic process is in good hands, isn't it? Bruce, we wrote a yarn on the Greens leader enjoying his special day. Yeah, that one goes, Senator Di Natale getting everything ready for the 20th of April. Well, thanks, Bruce. Di Natale said he was determined to get out of Parliament to celebrate Green Christmas, which takes place on the 20th of April, a date referencing the number 420, which Di Natale describes as being a very powerful number in cannabis culture. He then said to our reporters that he's been prepping for a while for the big day and that he was announcing a plan to free the herb. One of our readers from down in the latte capital of Melbourne called Benita Eldstrom tipped us off on that, despite being a supporter of legalising cannabis. Di Natale has reportedly told his grandmother, it's just Oregono Nonna. Well, speaking of legislation, Richard has joined us in the studio now to have a bit of a chat about the old Mary Jane. Well, Senator Di Natale, thank you for joining us today.
Did I say that right? You did. Well done.
Yeah, not like old mate Brandy. Candy Brandy.
How do you say his last name is Brandass? Brandass. That was Peter Wish Wilson coined Brandass.
Yeah, it got him good.
Now, what's been going on, mate? You're a leader of the Greens. Senator from Victoria. And we're talking to you today because the Greens, in the last probably decade, have started doing a bit of crossover into regional areas. And we see up north New South Wales, they kind of the national start getting very green. And the traditional labour seats in the cities are getting pretty green. And you guys are casting a bit of a net now. It's no longer just people hugging trees in Tasmania as it started, or stopping nuclear power in WA.
It's a broader net. What do you put that down to? I think it's a few things. I think, ultimately, when you sit down and talk to somebody about what the Greens stand for, most people like it. When you start talking about the need to protect the precious natural environment we've got and do something about the big and growing gap between the rich and poor, I think most Australians understand that.
Now, we'll go back to the beginning. You're both parents born in Italy? Yep, mum and dad.
I'm guessing they probably weren't as progressive when they pulled up stumps in... Well, I mean, you know, my dad was basically struggling to feed himself. It was post-war Italy, in the south, very, very poor.
He came over when he was in his late 20s, followed his brother over, learnt his English while doing his electrical apprenticeship, became a sparky. And really, you know, for people of his generation, it was just about trying to put food on the table for your family. Definitely. My mum came with her father. He was one of seven kids. That was a bit more of a political family. The grandfather was, you know, he idolised Gough Whitlam, so I remember some of the sermons about Gough back in the old days.
But again, you know, people come from... He came from, again, the south, very poor at the time. And, you know, they came here, they worked bloody hard, and really their priority was to try and feed themselves and their family.
Well, it seems as though you did inherit quite a bit of that, as it does take a lot of work to be a doctor, which was what you fell into after high school. How long were we working in the medical field for? So I graduated in 93, and my plan was to do a few years and specialise in physician training. And I was looking at maybe doing something like being a general physician and working in regional Australia somewhere. After a few years working in the hospital system, I took a year off, went travelling with a mate of mine, met a young English backpacker who we're now...
You know, we've got two kids and started a family. She wasn't a 457 at the time? No, no, no, she was just travelling around the country having a good time. Actually travelling with a friend of hers, and it turns out my mate also, they've now started a family and got kids. So it was a very fateful meeting.
I then went back and did some general practice training, and I was in general practice right through the sort of 90s. I worked in Tennant Creek doing Aboriginal health for a few years. Did a few other jobs, locum work in Aboriginal health, places like Alcoa Island, Tiwi Islands, but I spent a couple of years in the Territory, and that was probably the experience for me that politicised me. That's when you became woke after that. Well, I just decided if you want to do something about disadvantage, particularly when it comes to structural disadvantage, then you really need to address things that are beyond the health system. People's employment opportunities, education, all that stuff. So that's really when I got back to Melbourne and continued to work right until I was elected in 2010, but I was working part-time and volunteering for the Greens for the rest of the time. So your first taste of political life was when you ran for Lord Mayor, wasn't it?
That's right, yeah. That was in a few years after 9-11, 2003 or 2004. Yeah, you've done your homework, so that's right. So it was early 2000s. How was that as a baptism of fire? Actually, interesting that you mentioned that.
It was my first campaign. I had an operation on my knee, I did my knee playing footy, and I spent most of that campaign recovering from knee surgery. So I don't remember much of it.
So you look like Kim Beasley. Yeah, it does remind me of the first time that Kim met Obama.
He had both of his knees done at the same time. Is that right? Yeah, he turned up to the Oval Office with both of his knees in bandages and he was in a wheelchair.
That's a good way to make a lasting impression. It's an iconic image, it is.
Now, you were playing footy at quite a high level and most people in politics will tell you that they played footy at a high level. Most blokes anyway. Where did you get to? I played VFA footy. So I played for Coburg and Oakley in the VFA. So this was back in the days when the national competition had just got going and the VFA competition was sort of like a feeder competition, if you like. And I played with a lot of VFL players who were either aspiring VFL players or AFL players, I should say, or had finished their career and came back and played in the VFA. For those fee matches that they played.
Favela's doing them now. Yeah. Another proud Italian VFL player. That's right, that's right. Favela probably got into a bit more, a few more headlines than you were in the last decade.
Yeah, for the wrong reasons. For the wrong reasons.
Now, tell us a little bit about the reefer. You don't have to have a Bill Clinton type answer to this. I've already answered that.
Yeah, did you ever smoke that dank? And I did inhale, so there you go. That was in the combi van on the travels, I imagine, a few times as well.
It's just been announced. Sort of some key parts of this sort of policy, which makes it important. It's basically taking it out of the hands of criminals and having a regulated framework to sell it.
So what would happen is government through an agency, Australian Cannabis Agency, creatively called, would licence growers. So you can apply to have a licence to grow it commercially. There would be very strict quality control, and we've already got the framework for that, for example, with medicinal cannabis. So it'd be a variation of that. The government would then be the wholesaler and would purchase products that it would make available for retail sale through retail outlets. So you'd go to a dispensary and you'd be able to get cannabis that was regulated. You'd know exactly what was in it. You'd know the quantities of things like THC and CBD. It would licence for sale the lower risk strains, and it would be plain packaging.
You don't want to follow, I think, the model in some US states where it's in the hands of big business and you end up making the same mistakes that were made with... Well, I suppose that's the really sort of dark part of capitalism, is that even though you've got this great thing, it can't really be anything unless there's someone making money out of it. That's right. You get your product and you know exactly what you're getting. You don't have to expose yourself to the network of dealers that make money off it. You'd still be able to grow a small quantity for personal use, but if you're going to purchase something for sale, then it's going to be a licensed product from a licensed grower and a licensed retailer.
So with the growers, is there a grey area there? How do you get ready-made growers in Australia? Are there people ready and trained? There are plenty of people who do it right now.
Obviously, this is going to be... All the money from the sale of this herb is going to come back into the government coffers. That's right. Yep. How much comparatively, to say more harmful things like alcohol and tobacco, how much do you think is going to contribute to the economy each year? Well, we're actually having a costing done right now from the parliamentary budget office. We're talking billions of dollars.
Because it's illegal, you're actually paying for all of the stuff that goes along with... Yeah. ...drug syndicates having to basically bypass laws. You want to have it priced so that it's going to raise revenue, but not high enough that people will just won't buy it and turn into the black market.
Yep. So do you have any other support in parliament as opposed to just the grains and the... Yeah. Has anyone else inhaled? I don't know. I've not asked. I suspect, you know, there are seven million Australians who have inhaled, and I reckon some of them will be politicians. Yeah.
I suspect there's a couple on the front bench. I reckon Dash has been chopping up since he pulled the pin.
And Pine. Oh, Pine, yeah. Adelaide Fringe.
Yeah. I won't comment on that. So there are individuals who support it. Yep.
But, and they'll often do it quietly, but when you get them to stick their neck out, it's always hard. You know, these are people who often have ambitions within their own party, and they feel like something like this is going to make it harder for them.
Yeah.
But I know there are lots of individuals who do support drug law reform and think that a regulated market for cannabis is a sensible idea. So the Greens are particularly good at not playing the man, particularly. You can play the party, you don't necessarily play the man. Coming into the parliament house as an actual professional with an education, do you find it frustrating at times dealing with people who have kind of just had inflated careers of bureaucracy and public service, particularly in Canberra? It's not so much people who come from the public service background. There are a lot of time wasters who get a cushy job, they happen to do the right thing within their party, you know, factional support or support from the business community. So yeah, there are a lot of time wasters, and I don't know why a lot of them have decided to do it.
Yeah. And yeah, it is frustrating. Because it's an easy, high-paying job at times, isn't it? Well, it's probably.
The reality is it's a tough gig if you do it properly, and if you're committed to it. You spend a lot of time away from your family, you spend a lot of time away from things that are important. But if you believe in it, then you're prepared to make those sacrifices. I think some people, particularly, as I said, if you're a backbencher and you're really out there to sort of serve out your days, it can be a pretty cushy life. It can be a well-paid, cushy life.
For those of us in the Greens, we're all effectively shadow ministers. We have a number of portfolios that we're all committed to and working on. You're flying around the country, you're often doing the job of a number of lower house MPs as well, because even though you're senators, you're also covering for a number of lower house areas because we don't have that support. So it's tough work, and it is frustrating seeing people there who maybe aren't as committed to it as they should be.
So do you think introducing this new policy on marijuana is going to do anything to help the stigma that does surround the Greens at the moment? What stigma? There's no stigma surrounding the Greens.
Bush offs, crystals. Hanging out in the...
Dread lot, what? We're dreads.
In national parks, enjoying a bit of herder every now and then, but... Never heard those criticisms before. Well, the idea of the party is changing. Especially up here in the bush. There is a bit of an anti-Bush agenda that comes through from the Greens in regional areas.
Lee Rhiannon with the kangaroos. From all the old guard, they're talking about how there isn't a problem out here with kangaroos, and there's millions of them out here, that they ruin fences, they eat feed, that they just cause more harm than good. Dingoes as well.
Yep. Emus. No, but we're not gonna talk about wildlife as such.
There is, as I mentioned earlier, regions where the two cross over between the Nationals and the Greens, and that's around Lismore and stuff, and always has. Anywhere Hinterland, where the bush meets the coast, there's a lot of that. Talking about regional communities, they're not homogenous, right? People talk about the bush as though it's one thing. I just find that there are a lot of people I come across, and I live in a regional area myself, where they're very open to green ideas.
Farmers are at the front line on climate change. They're the people who are seeing it, and you speak to farmers who are just saying, seasons have changed, when we plant our crops has changed, when harvest time has changed, and they've seen that, and they've had generations where they've seen the climate shift, and so I think many of them are really concerned about it.
They're also concerned about the loss of health and education, support for their communities. I know when we've gone to coal mining communities, places like Collie in WA and La Trobe Valley in Victoria, people actually, they can see the writing on the wall. They know that the industry hasn't got a long-term future, and what they want is government to manage a transition. They're just saying, look, at the moment, you guys are just leaving it to the market, and we know, ultimately, we're not going to have a job, manage and plan. What is your plan, just off the bat, and it's probably hard to give in a sound bite, but have a crack, with coal miners, mining, where do you put them, where do you put those? If all these coal power plants are going to close, there's going to be a lot of people in that industry who are going to be out of work.
So you manage the transition first, right? You have a timetable, and you work out, okay, let's know exactly what's happening when, so we can plan for it. That's the first thing.
Now, when you decommission coal mines, there's actually a lot of work that needs to be done. So decommissioning mine sites and rehabilitating them is actually quite labour-intensive. Often the place where you're going to have the renewable energy infrastructure to replace that coal is where the existing infrastructure is. So there are jobs in the transition for people, many of them who have the technical skills, within renewable energy and away from coal, and then there's a lot of training and education that's important.
What we're saying is, let's have a plan for it. Hell of a soundbite there. In the long run, though, all that, it sounds really good, but that's going to cost money, and money unfortunately doesn't grow on trees, it gets pulled out of the ground. As it seems now, in an ideal world, how would you pay for all this?
Well, even just if this coal mine's shut, there's no money coming in through there. The basic economics are already saying most of the coal infrastructure in this country is already beyond its use by date. You can put a bit of sticky tape and band-aids to try and keep them going for another year or two, but ultimately they've got to be replaced. The economics are saying to replace that capacity with renewables like solar and wind is cheaper than building a new coal-fired power station. When you factor in the cost of pollution, then the economics changed decades ago, and it only makes the equation much more stark.
So it's got to happen. There's jobs, there's investment that comes with renewables, it should be a good new story. Australia's got all these natural advantages. We've got the space, we've got the sunshine, the wind, we've got the technical expertise, we've got all these natural advantages, and we should be leading the world on this stuff. Do you feel like, is there an element that all of this could have been prepared for if we'd made the most out of the boom? Oh, absolutely. Do you think this could have been in place? We could be leading the world right now. We could have a completely different energy system, we could have a 21st century transport system.
No, we pissed the results of the mining boom up against the wall. Howard basically shovelling all this money out and not doing anything with it. That was a great opportunity to really set the country up, invest in infrastructure. We just haven't done it.
People talk about it, and I guess you can talk as much as you want about it. Every party seems to be dictated by factions, and the Greens do have it too. Do you find yourself as a bit of a cattle dog at times, trying to rein in the communists against the old communists anyway, or the old guard against the young bucks? The whole thing was founded on a whole set of different ideologies that were in line with one another, but different ideologies. Do you find that happening? We don't have formal factions, but informally there are people who come from different places.
That's true. I think you mentioned earlier there was the nuclear disarmament movement in WA, the Lake Petter and Franklin Campaign in Tassie, here in New South Wales, green bans, and that stronger social justice influence. The Housing Commission stuff in Sydney, so you're talking about the green bans? Yeah. You're right.
There are lots of different influences, but I think they hang together. A lot of what happens is actually the political dimensions to it are overplayed, and it's often just personality stuff.
We've just got to work hard to try and bring that together. We know that there's a twin crisis facing us. There's the ecological crisis and climate change, and there's growing inequality. Those two things are the big challenges of the 21st century, and we've got to be up to it.
Hypothetically, if the Greens were to win 76 new seats at the next election and you came to power as a majority, do you reckon your back would be safe from knives? What would you do as Senator? 76 seats?
Yeah. You'd have to drop down into the House of Reps. You'd have to pull a Barnaby. Yeah. Okay. All right. You'd have to do a Barnaby. Look, it'd be a good problem to have. It'd be a good problem to have. Yeah.
We're all in it because we want to make change. That's why you do it. I think if you're in politics for the right reason, it's because you believe in a better world. Some people's view of what that looks like might be different to mine, but if you're in it for the right reasons, it's because you believe in a better society. If you get an opportunity to do something about that through winning more seats, then terrific. It's a great problem to have.
What would happen with you, though? How would you manage that as leader? In my way, what do you mean? You'd have to jump down to become Prime Minister. Yeah.
Look, the one thing about the Greens and our leader, we don't have a tradition where there's this sort of presidential-style politics. At the moment of every day, I reflect on the great privilege I've been given. It's a huge responsibility as well, but ultimately, the success of our party is not based on who happens to be leading the party. We're actually a big social movement. Not all responsibility is invested in the leader of the party, and that's a good thing. You look at the Liberal Party's problems right now and Turnbull's problems, it's because of who's actually running the show in the Liberal Party.
Yeah. Do you find, and you can tee off here because it is your job, are there any villains in Parliament House in Canberra? Oh, there's a few of them, yeah, for sure. Because not many people would be willing to say that, and I guess that might be the difference between you and Liverpool. What's Tony Abbott doing there? Yeah.
Would you list him as a villain? Well, I mean, yeah, in the sense that- What's driving him, do you reckon? I think it's revenge. What else is driving him? I don't get it. I don't get how he can wake up every morning and just be motivated by this sense of, I want to get this bloke back. You know, he's stuck the knife in, and every time I open my mouth, it's calculated to exact a bit of revenge and bring the whole show down.
So he's one of them. I mean, there's a few others. There's Eric Abetz, there's Kevin Andrews, they're all part of that.
Any Labor? George Christensen. Any Labor villains?
There are a couple that have left that I think that I'm pleased to see the back of. We've got people like Martin Ferguson, who was a member for Batman, and now is going out and spruiking for the coal and gas industry and trashing the union movement. I thought he was a piece of work, but- Well, I suppose in terms of Abbott, it's a lot like a farmer who sells a farm and moves into town, and he sort of wakes up on his first sort of morning in town, and he doesn't know really what to do with himself.
That's one way of- Yeah, that's right. So he gets his social media. That's right.
Starts criticizing the new bloke. If he leaves, he's out in the real world. He's just an unemployed dude from- I think he'd be right for a job. He'd get a job with Gina, right?
From Sydney's North Shore.
Oh, yeah, that goes without saying. But yeah, look, I think more or less with these older people in parliament, these more types of people who've been in parliament their entire professional life, I think that having to step off this big boat, which is the only boat that they've only known, is terrifying. Yeah, I think that's right. They become institutionalized. I think some of them love the status that comes with the job and the perks that come with it. I think others just wouldn't survive in the real world. So the idea of backbenchers and passengers in parliament, and we kind of can all agree that they do exist. Is that how these spills happen, be it the Labor Party or the Liberal Party? It's when they start looking at poll numbers and some bloke from the back of Mackay is sitting there, and they think, hold on a second, these poll numbers might indicate that I'm not going to be on a quarter of a million dollars this time next year. Is that what it is? It's a big part of it, yes.
Keating used to say, always back self-interest every time. So there's a bunch of people, and this happened during the Labor years, the Rudd-Killard years, there's a bunch of people who are looking closely at it and realise that their own political interests are not being served by the current leader, and so they'll switch camps. There are always the ideologues as well. So you've got, in the case of the Liberal Party right now, a bunch of people with hard line, hard right, conservative values, as I said, the AAA faction abets Andrews and Abbott, and George Christensen and so on, whose worldview I think is a long way away from where Turnbull's is, but Turnbull's just decided to sacrifice all the things he once believed in to stay in the job. It's because he wants to see a change in this country. He goes, this is some more unwavering commitment and belief from the Prime Minister. So I think it's a combination of both those things. I think the people who have always, who might have an agenda of getting rid of the leader, and those people who start to get nervous because their poll numbers are looking shaky and they might not get re-elected, it's a pretty powerful force. And then you've got the constant polling, the 24-hour news cycle, social media, it's a different environment than one that existed even a decade ago. And so you get this sort of tune with leaders. Well, just one thing I'd like to touch on just before we wrap this up is you've called for a federal ICAC, which out in Queensland is called the Triple C. And I'm not sure what it's called down in Victoria.
So that obviously means that everyone in the Greens has got nothing to hide in terms of... Brown paper bags. Yeah, and all that stuff.
Comparatively, I'd say with the Nationals, a few cross-benches when it did get a bit tight, there was a bit of door knocking and late night phone calls there. Is it important to keep your colleagues honest? Oh, absolutely. It's important. And I'm pleased the Labor Party has adopted the position of a national ICAC or anti-corruption watchdog, and we need to have... It's got to have teeth. Can't be a weak one like we've got in Victoria. But it's not just I think the...
You've got to change a lot of those structures. So you've got to get rid of big money in politics. You have to stop these big corporate political donations, because these guys are just buying influence. You have to do something about that. You have to clamp down on the revolving door between MPs and lobbyists, or they go out and start spruiking for the industries they once had oversight of. And you need a national anti-corruption body. You've got to have all of those things working together, because at the moment, our democracy is pretty crook.
People are rightly really angry with the current political system. And that's how Donald Trump happens. When you have a political system that's been bought by big interests, when you've got a rigged economy, then people start looking for answers elsewhere. And they'll often turn to people who've got no constructive solutions and offer false hope. Usually people who blame others, whether they be migrants or refugees.
Did you get any of that as a kid? Racism. Yeah. Yeah, I did. Yeah, it's interesting how much things have changed.
But yeah, I remember being called a wog. I remember the big fight at high school between the wogs and the skips. I remember being spat on a couple of times and being called a wog. And I went to a school that had a few Italians, but it was mainly an Anglo sort of school.
And so yeah, that stuff sort of sticks with you and you get it. It's why I look at what's happening to the Muslim community here. And I can see echoes of that. Well, they're calling them wogs. Yeah. They are. So the word's kind of carried down.
Down in Victoria. They've been going after the south Sudanese. And that's coming from Peter Dutton, who's right up there. It's just a dog whistle to the backers in the Liberal Party who want to hear that stuff.
But it's disgraceful. It's absolutely disgraceful.
It is an interesting one because Brisbane has a large Sudanese community out in Moorooka, which is pretty close to the city, and as it does Sydney with Blacktown. So obviously it's a Melbourne issue, you know what I mean? Because this stuff's not happening in Brisbane and it's not happening in Sydney. Well, it's not happening in Melbourne either.
Yeah. I mean, this stuff, this idea of Sudanese youth roaming the streets and terrorising people is just garbage. It's a tiny proportion of the crime stats things have been pretty stable. Look, Dutton whipped it up. What did he say? You know, people are scared to go to restaurants. Yeah. You know, you can't go down Colin Street now. You know, it's like a war zone. People are scared to go to Gastro. Yeah. What do they got down there?
If Andrew Bolt is still able to go to the Opera, then it's safe. It's fine.
Well, on that note, thank you for joining us. Pleasure. We've had a great chat. You know, it got a bit tight there. Got a bit testy, but I think we came good. Yep. Thanks for joining us. Pleasure. Thanks for having me on.
Well, that's it for another week. We're getting the hurry up from Murray in the production box. So we've got to wrap things up.
Don't go anywhere on Desert Rock FM.
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dropout | hot_tub_book_clubs_are_very_real_and_awkward | As you know, I was able to pull a few strings for today's book club, so everyone please welcome the author of Po' Boy a Memoir, Bo DeLay. Hey, it's great to be here. We're super excited. Yeah, well, you're bigger than I thought you'd be. Okay, so let me introduce everybody here, okay?
That's Betsy, that's Dara, and that should've been Leslie, but she died, so that's Pat. Rest in peace.
So I think we should start with some themes we found interesting in the book. Oh, I'll start. Okay, Betsy. I felt like throughout the book there were a lot of overt sexual themes. Oh, that's the first I've ever heard of that. I think he was waiting for the right woman to come along and save him, and I'm not talking about his mommy. It's interesting that as it is, I want to talk a little bit about some of the themes that I maybe think are relevant. So I think that growing up in abject poverty was essential to Bo's development. Yeah, yeah, I know, agreed. And served as a major catalyst for what I would call as specifically dreamy prose. Sure, sure, that's the thing. Okay, well, you know, actually, my prose, I think, could be described as very stark, you know, sort of like a Cormac McCarthy or a Hemingway.
Did you read the book? I mean, what did you say your name was, Leslie? Actually Pat, and what do you mean read? Because I- Leslie read every book.
Rest in peace. I know, I know, that's what I'm saying. You didn't even know, Leslie. Rest in peace.
Well, I wanted to bring up the fact that I'm pretty sure the protagonist of this book is a woman. Okay, no, it wasn't. Okay, it was a man. I assure you. Are you sure? Because the feminine qualities of Po Boi definitely spoke to my female intuition. Okay, it was a man. All right. It was a man.
I'm the author. I wrote the book.
Fucking man. Oh my God, okay, well, you're kind of acting like a woman, which kind of feeds into my whole thing. Okay, that's it. I'm out of here. I don't give a fuck. Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo. Wait. While we still have you at the end of book club, we like to give our final thoughts.
Well, you know what, I actually really hated the book. Yeah, I shouldn't have invited you here, because your book is terrible. I hated it.
Why did you? How come? For what? What do you mean for what? Like, what the hell is wrong with you people?
Well, I thought it was the best book I ever read. No, I didn't.
I saw that. So what? Yeah, I just saw that again. I love you. You know what? That's it.
You know, I'm tired of your fucking sexual advances and your unqualified feminism and your fucking shitty hosting and like, I don't even know what your deal is. You know, I guess you just replaced some, you know, girl that died that I don't give a shit about. But you know, it's like, you need to decide what is this? Is this a book club? Or is this some, like, fucking freak show funeral for Leslie? Rest in peace. Oh, come on! |
dropout | the_guy_who_won_t_call_in_sick_hardly_working | Okay, let's go. Hey, Brennan. You feeling okay? Yeah. You seem a little under the weather. What's that? Like, you seem sick. That's true. Yeah.
I'm sick as a dog. Fucking work dog, dude. Let's do it. Let's shred it this week, guys. Turn it, Brennan. If you're sick, you should go home. Go home? Come on, guys. It's a flu. A flu never hurt anybody. Yeah. I'm sick as a dog. Fucking work dog, dude. Let's do it. Let's shred it this week, guys. Turn it, Brennan. If you're sick, you should go home. Go home? Come on, guys.
A flu? A flu never hurt anybody? A flu has killed millions.
Suddenly untrue. Yeah. You should go home. I hear your concern. Appreciate it. Guys, here's the deal. Oh, God. I'm not one of these little babies that has to call in sick from home. I'm... Oh, God. Go to the hospital. Nope. Call 911. Go home or I'll kill you. It's fine.
This is half as much blood as yesterday. Fever's broken. I can see again.
I... Fuck Jesus. I'm burning. What is that, xenomorph spit? Why is it burning?
You think it's so heroic to stay and work in the office, but really, you're just putting everyone else in danger. The only thing I'm in danger of is giving 110%. Go, go, go.
You're right.
Fine. Five second rule. Fuck you.
You need to use a sick day. You're putting everyone here at risk. At risk?
What are you talking about? What ever happened to walking it off?
My ancestors couldn't call in sick when they were building railroads and fighting Nazis. Your ancestors died of preventable diseases all the time.
Okay. Let's call it a compromise. Look, I'll wrap myself up in my little blankie. I'll take a little shot of hot sauce. I'll take a couple cloves of garlic. I'll squirt some lemon juice in my eyes. Okay. I'll take a space heater and I'll sit on it. Oh, there we go. Okay. And now I'll just sweat it out.
Oh my God. Brennan, get off. Brennan!
Get off. Normally that works. Go home.
I can't. You guys are depending on me for my comedy scripts. I can't leave you guys hanging.
You just started working here. And when you're sick, your work suffers.
No, it doesn't. Interior Brennan, dead death. Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me. It's a little unpolished, but I think there's a kernel of...
Is he dead? Yeah, as a doornail bitch. Hi, is this HR? Yes. Okay, so I was calling because a sick employee refused to go home, but now I'm calling because there's been an office incident with a knife. Yes, it was Katie. You were fucking dead. Hey guys, are we still meeting at three? Yes.
Cool, I'll be there. How is this possible? Well, Treb, I guess I'm just one of the little big heebies that has to call out of a meeting just any old time that the icy grip of death stops the beating of their heart. I have a few extra pitches today. I'm happy to go at the end.
Hey guys, it's Brennan from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun stuff, and please keep watching because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. Get it? I'm not really real. I'm just a thing on your screen. Don't forget me! |
TheOnion | Obama_Begs_U_S_Not_To_Embarrass_Him_In_Front_Of_French_Season_1_Ep_8_on_IFC | This is the Onion News Network. Not watching is an act of defiance. Let's start off in Washington, D.C., where President Obama has warned the American people today not to embarrass him when his European friends come to visit this weekend. Slated to host French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his wife Carla Bruni beginning Friday, the President implored Americans to please just let him do the talking and not act like a bunch of classless idiots. The President requests that you don't talk to the French about how you went to Paris when you were in college because they won't care. And don't try to talk to them about wine, because the French know so much more about wine than you will ever know, okay? The President is also urging all movie theaters in the United States to play only independent art films to make it look like that's something we're into.
And a bombshell New York Times article this morning reported that Osama bin Laden may currently be hiding near the set of the hit Pakistani TV show bin Laden Live. U.S. intelligence obtained a copy of the press release from the Pakistan Television Corporation describing the show as, quote, Pakistan's most watched daytime program, with Quranic readings and the hit fatwa of the day from everyone's favorite militant Islamist. The memo contains a vast amount of evidence about bin Laden's whereabouts, including TV listings, billboards, and magazine interviews, which seem to indicate he may be hiding out on the set where the program is filmed before a live studio audience every day at noon.
And back to Washington, D.C. right now, where Deputy FDA Commissioner Steve Hoyer announced today that the U.S. was, quote, on its own, and that the FDA was not going to hold its hand like a goddamn child anymore. Take a look at this video here. I don't give a rat's ass. Cram ding-dongs down your face. Eat them five at a time. Eat out of the fucking garbage can, okay? Stand in front of the microwave with the door open running. Here, eat all that fucking fake orange shit. Go ahead. All the fake fucking trash that you guys shove in your fucking pie holes. Eat that shit. Go get cancer.
According to AIDS, Hoyer will be taking some time off to live on a small organic farm in Peru. Brooke? Thanks, Tucker. I can empathize with Commissioner Hoyer. It's not always easy trying to talk sense into millions of people. |
SaturdayNightLive | late_night_with_david_letterman_gumby_s_bloopers_snl | Hi there, welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen, my, my, oh my, what a fine show we've slapped together for you folks here tonight, So wake the kids, phone the neighbors, come in from the lawn, this is one that you won't want to miss. right now, let's say hello to Paul Shafer in the band, ladies and gentlemen, how are you Paul? You know, David, I love doing this show, David, I love it, every day it's a fresh kick, it's a giggle, and I love it. Paul Shafer, ladies and Gentlemen, You know, since we've gone on the air way back in 1947, we've taken you, the viewers of Late Night, all over this fine Nbc building, from the lobby, to the commissary, to the dressing rooms, to the hallways, elevator, and water fountains. Yet, still, we get letters saying, Dave, please show us more of this fascinating facility known as Nbc. So, why don't you join me, ladies and gentlemen, as I go to the bathroom? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to visit the Fabulous Nbc Men's Room. walk this way, please. Here we are, we have reached our destination, Let's just go right into the Nbc Men's Room. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, this is it, a famous Nbc Men's Room. Lord knows how many Nbc celebrities have relieved themselves on this very spot.
Oh my gosh, here's one now,: Sportscaster Marv Albert. Is this one of your favorite men's rooms? My office is right around the corner, and this is kind of my favorite area because I like to be in the back. people can get the right angle, can look in, and I'm kind of sensitive about that. Marv Albert, a sensitive kind of guy. Now, Marv, I see in this particular urinal as well as the others, there is a urinal cake, and I'd just like to say to you kids watching, don't try to eat this particular cake. thank you very much, Marv, it's good to see you. Marv Albert, ladies and gentlemen, also a clean guy. let's step back in here, we can't not miss the stalls, the famous stalls. here's a couple. Oh, here's an interesting item in every men's room, right here. looks like an ordinary piece of papers, ladies and gentlemen, but this is indeed a protective shield against god knows what. let's see if, well, it looks like we're in luck here. let's see if this guy is using his protective shield. excuse me, are you using your protective shield in there?
Hey, get the hell out of here. time to leave. Hey, get the hell out of here. it was exciting, wasn't it?
The Nbc Men's Room, ladies and Gentlemen. our first guest has been with us many times on this program. he has a special coming up later this week. you know him, you love him. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Gumby. have a seat, have a seat. Well, wonderful to have. just relax there, gum. a little wait, baby, a little wait. it's wonderful to have you here. you're an entertainer, an actor, oh, an eraser, and we appreciate you coming here to take the time to come see us. cut the crap, Okay, Letterman, you know I am here. I'm here to push my special. let's push it, baby. by all means, tell us about the special, Gumby. Well, as you know, David, in the business, the motion picture business, mistakes do happen, Okay? And we call them Bloopers, and I have compiled for you my favorite bloopers called, pardon me, dammit, I blew it. Well, Gumby, it sounds like an interesting special. shut up and run the clips, you see. nice to see you in another good mood, Gumby. Here then are some scenes from Gumby's Special. pardon me, dammit, I blew it. Gumby, could you tell us about the first one? Well, this is from a special we did called Gumby and Pokey in Space. I know you all remember. the guest was Marvin Hamlisch, as you well know. Marvin Hamlisch, gee, that sounds pretty impressive. he stinks, and I want to say keep an eye out for what Pokey was doing before we shot this little scene. watch and see. the viewers will know if you're hip.
Ha! thank you. Oh! oh! Who's sneezed in my arpeggio? My beautiful Arpeggio!
Hey, Hamlisch, who needs you? you're fired. You know why I fired him? you know what the problem was? the piano, Hamlisch thought he was the star, and he's not the star.
I'm the star. I'm Gumby. Gumby Farby? No man is bigger than me. I am show Business. I am supreme.
Gumby Farby, it's for me to tell you how to run your specials, but wasn't that really Pokey's fault for sneezing? Everyone screwed up. everyone besides me, alright? the incompetence, David. the incompetence I have to deal with. I tell you one thing. I tell you one thing, my friend. in this business, there are so many incompetent people you wouldn't believe.
Well, let's. you wouldn't believe it. I bet you I wouldn't gum. you would not believe it. I wouldn't believe it at all, would I? don't be sassy with me.
I'll smack you in the mouth, let me. I like your style, Gumby. let's go on to the next clip. What exactly is happening in this one? Well, it's a cowboy sequence. I'm the sheriff. I'm going down into the Canyon, and everyone screws up on the crew, much like the crew around here. Okay, let's use the monitors in the studio. at home, your Tvs will do.
Oi! What the hell? What happened here, you swine? You trying to kill a star in a film? Okay, you morons.
Bobby, Phil, Maury. you're all fired, damn it. everybody. that's the special. pardon me, damn it, I blew it. it's very funny stuff. don't miss. Well, I'm sure that everyone out there will be glued to their Tv sets for this one, Gumby. don't sass me, Smarty Pants. at least my special ain't gonna be on at 1230 in the morning. I'll pull your Wise Acres stuck on Gumby. I am show business. I am supreme. Who are you? Nothing. you're big at the Harvard dormitory, that's it. Well, by golly, looks like there'll be no late night facial blotter for you, Gumby. hey, Mr. Late Night, you're up against a test patent and you're losing, Alright? you stink. Well, thanks for being here, Gumby. go to the dentist, baby. join us tomorrow when our guests will be Richard Belzer, Elaine Boozer, and Tom Higgins, an Nbc janitor who will take us on a tour of Nbc janitors.
I don't like your style. I don't like your show. |
TheOnion | High_School_Tonys_Honor_Nation_s_Drama_Club_Nerds | In entertainment news, millions of fans across the nation tuned in last night to see the High School Tony Awards, celebrating the year's most outstanding achievements in high school theater. Usually relegated to the row of lunch tables separating the jocks and the nerds, it was these students' time to shine as they strode down the red carpet. The night's highest honor was bestowed upon actress Catherine Dippold, who won the coveted Best Blonde Maria for her pitch-perfect turn in West Side Story. It was such an honor to get to work with all the seniors, especially the ones that played Bernadette and Consuelio. It was a big night for newcomer Miss Dippold, who also received the award for Most Awkward Kiss. Angela Harris received a standing ovation after her moving portrayal of Benny Southstreet won her Best Girl as a Guy in Guys and Dolls. The head theater critic for the Ridgewood Weekly Ranger praised her performance as quote, totally amazing.
Eric Fa surprised few by winning the award for least consistent cockney accent. Insiders say his revolutionary performance as Tiny Tim in a winter quarter production of A Christmas Carol was a shoo-in for the prize. Thank you very much for this here award, lads and lassies. The role also earned him a nomination for Most Exaggerated Limp. Best performance in a pre-show prayer circle was awarded to Meredith Moe, who was surprised to also find herself a winner for most sexual tension produced in a pre-show massage circle.
Meanwhile, at the Technical High School Tony Awards, the prestigious Best Lighting of a Gym Award was won by Wisconsin's Nathan Hale High School technical crew for their production of A Turn for the Nurse. This is only the fifth year for the technical ceremony, which was held in the parking lot in back of the theater so that attendees could smoke. |
cracked | 6_shockingly_out_of_touch_celebrities_the_spit_take | Oh, hello the internet old friend welcome to another the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of crack then this is DMX reacting to a computer like a time traveler from the Great Depression I don't even know how to use the computer. I don't want to... Are you lying? Come on, do you know how to like Google yourself? No. Do you know how to do it on a laptop?
Look at all these things! It's too much stuff! It's a toolbar! Look! The stuff! Those are like two windows that are open.
That's scary.
It's not what it is.
Now that clip in Dan O'Brien's column about Sammy Sosa's Instagram made me realize something You might draw the racist, sportsist, rapist conclusion and assume that those are just isolated incidents of dumb jocks and drug-out-of-rappers failing to understand technology But I'm more enlightened than the bigoted straw man version of you that I just created and I've come to realize something Mr. Sosa and Doctor of Medicine X had something far more challenging to overcome They've been famous since before 2007 When I launched crack.com in 2006 saying, oh I don't go on the internet was just like saying Oh, I don't watch TV. Just another way for smug people to let us know Oh, I'm sorry. I suck. Did you not? Yeah, I'm sorry. No, I'm bad people.
Lots of people weren't on the internet and I could talk shit about those people Securing the knowledge that you weren't them But thanks to Apple and their idiot-proof gadgets our parents can get around on Facebook Without even a single Geek Squad consultant Even those smug people realized they couldn't just sit this whole internet thing out along with everyone else Everyone except famous people Celebrities tend to stop evolving at the peak of their fame That's why Michael Jordan dresses like it's 1999 And Al Pacino characters still shout like the blind Yosemite Sam who won him an Oscar Fame and success are to human development What amber and flash freezing are to human decomposition That DMX video might have made sense in 1997 Or maybe even 2002 That was 2012 That was two years ago He'd spent the entire decade since the height of his fame Being just perfectly preserved behind a wall of money and groupies And the giant mob of shirtless men he apparently keeps company with What the eff you gonna do when we run up on you Man, when that song asked me what you gonna do when we run up on you I did not expect the goofy smile But why would he force himself to sink or swim In the vaguely uncomfortable waters of computer literacy When he could just continue coasting off how dope the hook of that song was If you don't think he's acutely aware of that And that's the end of music And in the middle of it, it'll stop And that's why I love DMX He threw himself into that interview like he was auditioning for an SNL sketch In which DMX is scared of technology Let's compare that clip with this one I've been talking to the other actors about social media In which Julia Roberts has asked about social media You've chosen to not be a part of that Well, I haven't chosen to not be a part of it And immediately developed to rash You don't have a Twitter, do you? No No No Do you feel the need to like put your word out there and like I'm tired of people saying this and that and it's not right Do you ever feel that that could be a... But who am I talking to? I don't know Sure, I don't know who most of my Twitter followers are And she'd have millions But then... I don't know See, that's the thing I don't get It's like screaming into the wind Yeah, your problem would not be shouting into the wind More shouting into a microphone connected to millions of people across the globe Who are paying way too much attention to what you're saying And probably masturbating to...
You legitimately have no idea how the internet works, huh? See, that's the thing I don't get At least she knows how to hold a smartphone Ethan Hawke holds an iPhone like he's a town crier making an official decree Ethan Hawke seems like a guy who wasn't supposed to be a movie star But he slipped through the cracks and everyone was just like, okay I like to imagine she reads every text message like that Hear ye, hear ye Stephen Dorff is running late But hey, we're just shooting pretty fish in an expectedly stupid barrel, right?
It's not famous people's job to understand technology But there are some pretty surprising famous people who seem to think it's their job to misunderstand it Sami Sosa, I see your Pinterest And I raise you Martha Stewart on Twitter and Instagram, just everything You've been tweeting out pictures of your meals This was a soup of an orange onion soup That's a delicious onion soup Martha Stewart's a professional perfectionist She's ruthlessly targeted and been awesome at more jobs than automation Model, stockbroker Yes, stocks got her in some trouble, but she did her time like a boss, came out Like that guy in that outcast song who just put a bunch of people in my ambulance And ripped off his shirt and shouted, now who else want to f*** with Hollywood cult? Made her stronger Sorry, where were we? Cater, cookbook writer, publisher, television writer, she's good at everything So it's borderline nonsensical to see that her social media persona is just sloppier than a grease stained Dorito dusted t-shirt Eventually you start to think that maybe she just wants someone to talk to As awkward and insane as Martha's tweets are That mishmash of words and demands are nothing compared to her ability to make delicious sounding food Photographed like a shit sandwich Is that lettuce covered in gravy? Okay, that's definitely a bone marrow soup topped with dish soap, I think I'm gonna guess the charred remains of all who dared cross Martha in her 70 year rise to the top And yeah, it's just a dump on a plate Do we even know who is this 4chan person or website?
He may have been just a system administrator who knew his way around and how to hack things Now I know it's a stretch to call CNN tech analyst Brett Larson famous And it's not at all clear that he was even on TV before 2007 Since his clearly self-edited Wikipedia page lists his date of birth as March 8th No year, Brett? Is that just in case strangers want to send you a birthday present? But that clip belongs in this episode because it illustrates the closed circuit of self-reinforcing stupidity That makes every other clip possible That conversation could only happen between two people who are trying to bluff their way into fame If Brett had said any of those words to anyone else in that newsroom or just out on the streets They would have laughed their ass off and then they would have told him the truth That 4chan is an escaped lunatic with a hook for a hand And we traced the hack to inside your house If 4chan is inside your house, Brett, run!
Hey, speaking of famous-ish people whose interns are probably laughing their ass off somewhere off camera We're really puzzled here at Gingrich Productions We've spent weeks trying to figure out what do you call this? A smartphone? Wait, you guys spent weeks trying to figure that out? Are you trapped somewhere new? You probably think it's a cell phone And if I say to audiences, how many of you have a cell phone that takes a picture? 97% of the hands go up Okay, so weird question to ask an audience at a political event And also weirdly specific statistic that suggests you're making them keep their hands up while you're counting them But think about it If it's taking pictures, it's not a cell phone If it has a McDonald's app to tell you where McDonald's is based on your GPS location That's not a cell phone If you can get Wikipedia or go to Google, that's not a cell phone If you didn't watch YouTube, that's not a cell phone Or Netflix, think about it I love the fact that Newt thinks there's an app that just tells you where your closest McDonald's is I also love the adorable way he pronounces Wikipedia Wikipedia Mostly, I'm just impressed that he manages to give an entire speech That he believes to be super profound based on the premise that he just didn't know there was such a word as smartphone Go ahead, you can skip around, it's three minutes straight about How cell phone is not the right word for this amazing device that it's about time someone came up with a name for We've been here before When we first developed the automobile, it was called the horseless carriage I've been calling it a handheld computer I decided that really was misleading because, you know, while it has the computing power of a 2003 laptop Its real power is not internal computation Its real power is networking It's connected to the entire world of information and the entire world of communications It's almost like a... ...computer pocket Well, it's better than yours This can be at one level a great health device that allows you to constantly monitor yourself At another level, it's a great learning device replacing every textbook in the world Yeah, we got it new, we know At yet another level, it can be a very productive device for getting work done wherever you happen to be It's like he thinks he's the only person they told what his iPhone could do And he's like so impressed that he's thinking about making it his entire campaign platform Although, privileged white guys thinking they discovered something millions of people clearly already knew about While sucking at naming that clearly already named thing is one of the oldest American traditions In the plates |
ClickHole | women_describe_what_it_s_like_giving_birth | I was out at a bar with some of my girlfriends having a ladies night and I noticed that some of them were giving birth So I asked my friend Tina like how are you doing that and she said just Squat down clasp your hands behind your back and start screaming. It's easy. No, it's not that easy I was squatting and screaming for probably an hour straight having absolutely zero luck and I could hear people around the bar starting to snicker like when is she gonna give birth already and just when I was about to give up my friend Colleen comes over and It's like you have to take your pants off first. Oh my god. I was so embarrassed So I took off my pants and squatted down again And I must have caused a traffic jam because nine babies just scored it out almost immediately It felt so good Ladies, if you haven't tried this yet, you have to do it when baby Virgil happened from my groin I couldn't stop frowning it felt and sounded like a sizzling fajita Marching out of my toilet slit and I hated that all of my co-workers got to come and watch and the worst part about it All it happened on Memorial Day. So I had to miss most of the parade I fucking love giving birth got me super jacked for my hockey game people say it stings But they're just being pussies when I gave birth. I didn't even flinch It's probably because hockey players learn to deal with pain Basketball players are all little bitches who start crying anytime someone bumps into them I guarantee that if any of the basketball players in my school try to give birth they'd quit within five seconds It was very important for us to have a natural drug free birth, but our baby just had different ideas Two weeks before my due date We had an ultrasound and found out that the baby had guzzled all of my amniotic fluid and was still very thirsty He was trying to headbutt his way out of my uterus so he could climb up into my rib cage and find more Juice, the doctor said we needed to induce labor right away. The baby heard this and yelled no And started spraying piss everywhere this offended the doctor and he said that we needed to do an emergency C-section so he could give my disrespectful baby a spanking and I said but that's not in my birth plan And he said oh well and cut my belly open with a sword then before he could remove the baby the baby Burst out of the incision and sprinted out of the delivery room still spraying piss everywhere and in that moment I was changed forever. I was a mother and there's just no greater feeling |
SaturdayNightLive | one_man_show_saturday_night_live | The holiday season means theater season and Hugh Jackman is back on Broadway, but it's completely sold out, so why not head off off Broadway and check out a different kind of one-man show? Tommy Palm Easy In half Jewish, half Italian, Completely neurotic. Hey, God it's me. Little Tommy Palm Easy from 81st Street. If I'm half Jewish and half Catholic, where do I go when I die By the time I was 15? I knew three things to be true. Number one: Kristy Brinkley was never gonna go out with me. Tommy Palm Easy tells his life story through characters in a show that can only be described as four hours.
Why in bed You got chicken pox? No, Tommy? I'm gonna die well, Why? is it cuz I was bad? Is it because I was bad? Is it because I was a bad boy?
Is it it's an evening of personal in your face theater from an actor with total focus. Basketball man, see Patrick Ewing out there? Can I have that back? Please? Can I have the ball, But thanks dude.
Before the show started, Tommy was pretending to be a janitor like he wasn't about to be in the play. but you could tell he was the actor. There was just too much business. says Dale Herschel, Backstage Magazine and Jeffrey Kellogg of the New York Times says Tommy spends most of the play trying to get a video to work. All right what you would have seen. It's just a man and a state and a bathroom that's located behind the stage.
Every building above 95th Street leveled. torn down. Boo-boos only.
Tommy Palmizzi has a critic raving. The whole thing just stressed me out from beginning to end. How about this? You think I'm losing my mind now? Audiences cannot get enough.
I have to go. I've got an emergency text that I have to leave. Oh, can I see the text?
Is that it? Is there any. Do you see a moving image? |
dropout | alfred_aquino_ii_on_the_skateboarder_who_comped_justin_bieber | Hello, welcome to Rob's Hall of Fame, where every episode we have a guest who tries to convince me of why their underrated favorites should be in my Hall of Fame.
Today we have Alfred Aquino the second.
What's up? Hello. That's me. Do you have anything that you would like to plug or anything like that?
Alfred Aquino the second is a tremendous sketch performer, sketch comedian, a great writer, a very funny man who does all kinds of things all over Los Angeles.
Yeah, I do a bunch of stuff. I guess I'd mainly plug like UCB shows. I do check out Mod Night and I, oh, I check out, no, check out Asian AF and Filipino AF. Those two shows run at UCB and yeah, they're great shows. They are hilarious. Yeah.
Take it from me and Alfred Aquino the second.
Now, for those of you who are watching this on CH2, well, you can keep watching, but after that, after you've watched this, go sign up for Dropout because this has already been up on Dropout for a week, a whole week. You're an entire week behind. Think of all the things that you've missed in that week that you were asleep for no reason. Get up and go to Dropout.
Okay. Now for this episode, holy cow, we're going to take on a topic that I know so little about that you're about to teach me and we're all going to be masters together. Yeah. It's going to be a learning experience for everyone. This is a skateboarder that you are nominating for this Hall of Fame. Who is this guy? What's the story? Okay.
So there might be a little bit of backstory required for this, but this guy is, he has no name. His name is not known to the public. Not literally. He doesn't have a name. He has a family and a name and everything, but that is not known to the public. No one knows what his name is.
So basically a video came out in 2015 of Justin Bieber skating at Venice Skate Park.
And yes, yes, yes, yes.
He's not the athlete I'm talking about. It's someone else. That is a twist. Get this Justin Bieber has a name. This guy did not.
That was a clue. I shouldn't clack that. Planning those clues early on. Yeah.
So basically there's a clip of Justin Bieber skating at Venice Skate Park and he's trying a trick off a ledge. The trick is known as a 360 flip. Okay. Now what is a 360 flip? You are clearly a skateboarder person.
Yes. So you do comedy and skateboard. Yeah. Sometimes both at the same time. Okay. Yeah. Very occasionally. So yeah, a 360 flip is when the board turns 360, what is this, like sideways? Oh really? Okay. Yeah, laterally. And it also, one flip is added to it the other way. Yeah. So it's, I mean, can I use that? Sure.
Go ahead and grab it. Just so that we have, now we have visual demonstrations.
So a 360 flip. A 360 flip. So your back foot is here and your front foot is here. The board will go like this and a full 360.
Whoa. Yeah. It's a pretty hard trick. So. So you have to use your hands. Wait. It would flip. Yeah. That's, if that makes sense. That is impressive. I mean, what you just did was not impressive, but it would be impressive to see somebody do that on a off a ramp. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Well, he was doing it off a ledge. Off a ledge, yes. Yeah. Probably like as high as this table is from the ground, maybe.
The video is called Justin Bieber Gets Comped, if anyone wants to visualize this and then. What is it? So I only know comped as a good thing of like, can you comp me two tickets to whatever thing. That's the thing I was thinking about. I was one of those things that I like read and I just assumed like, oh, it just means when you like show somebody up. Yeah. I can't define what comped means. I have the same definition. I was like someone gave Justin Bieber two free tickets to a show.
Yeah. Okay. All right. So I think in this video sense, comped means a guy shows up Justin Bieber or snakes him. Okay. All right. But snake, I can figure out he's done dirty. Yeah. So you, so he's doing, sorry, I don't know why I said you were doing. So Justin Bieber is trying to do this trick that you just showed. Yes. Okay. Yeah.
He's doing a 360 flip public at Venice. Everybody's watching because of course he's Justin Bieber skateboarding.
And then a guy comes up immediately after Justin Bieber doesn't land it. He like, he doesn't fall and like hit his face. He just doesn't land it. And then he just walks off and the guy immediately comes after does the same exact trick and then basically lands it right after him with a huge grin and then rides like almost bumps into Justin Bieber in a way. And then Justin Bieber just kind of side like steps it.
And yeah, the whole reason why this is a big deal is because it's in skateboarding etiquette. It's like, basically it's like an unsaid rule at a skate park. If someone is trying a trick, especially a stranger and you see them like doing the, like an exact trick and you come up after them and do that same trick, that's just rude. It's like a, it's like an unnecessary flex. Like no one needs to like, why are you just proving you're better for no reason to a stranger.
Like in this case, it's Justin Bieber. So it's like, uh, he's this unnamed man is kind of a hero in the skate world because it's like, you often get celebrities, Justin Bieber is like number one, number one at the top of the list. I'm like, celebrities who like kind of appropriate skateboarding in a way who are just like, they pick up a skateboard and they're like, I do this. And then like, people are like, oh my God, he's gay board and it's like, um, and then you know, real skateboarders who see it are like, no, he doesn't, he doesn't skateboard.
Right. Um, so kind of in comedy terms, it would be like, if someone like John Mayer was doing a standup joke, cause you know how John Mayer is a music person who has been appropriated. He's been appropriated in comedy and I am tired of it. Allegedly. Honestly, that's just, I don't care that John Mayer does. I'm just saying it's just, just for sake of, uh, example, but it would be like if John Mayer was doing a standup joke and then he fumbled the punch line or something and then Justin Bieber, and then like, uh, uh, uh, John Mulaney.
Totally nothing.
He does. He doesn't do anything wrong like, you know, whatever this comes out, but, uh, then John Mulaney comes up and totally nails the joke right after him. And yeah. And he's like, this is how you say that joke. Yeah. Is that a good John Mulaney? This is how you say that joke.
That's not John.
Probably some bits. He probably does this one black coffee. I got hair growing on my shoulders. Literally one of his jokes. Um, okay. So I have one thing to say about skateboarding and that is that we talked about this briefly before I, when I was nine years old, I very much wanted to skateboard reason.
Why is because I, uh, so we used to go, I was not allowed to watch the Simpsons because my parents are very, uh, strict about that kind of thing. Like they're, they're very Christian, uh, and yeah, they just didn't want me watching it.
Uh, so, but we would go to a roller skating rink every Wednesday. My dad would DJ cause it was like gospel night or something like that. And they had, and they had, uh, so my dad's in the DJ booth and meanwhile I'm running a muck and they have, they had arcade games at that roller skating rink, a rainbow rink in Chicago.
Uh, and I don't know if it's still there, uh, probably not. I think I've heard things about it.
Really? My girlfriend's from Chicago. Oh, nice. She's probably mentioned it. Okay. Here in there. Yeah.
Well, we would go every Wednesday night. They would have a gospel night.
This was in the nineties and they had, uh, arcade games in that, um, in the place in the, in the roller rink and, uh, one of the arcade games, they had like stuff like Mortal Kombat stuff like that, but one of them was the Simpsons game. And so that was my, that was my introduction to the Simpsons cause I wasn't allowed to watch it. And Bart Simpson made skateboarding look so cool.
I really, really wanted to skateboard. Uh, so I got a skateboard with my little monies and, uh, uh, I was showing my cousins and my cousins berated me. They were like, you have got to get that white shit out of here. They did not cause it was entirely, it was mostly, it was just weird for a black kid to want to skateboard at that time.
Uh, but, uh, uh, I had a grandmother and my grandma, and so I went to my grandmother to save me from this. She comes over and she's like, y'all need to stop the, you know, make in front of him.
Why are you making fun? They told her why.
And she was immediately, you need to get that white shit out of here. Don't ever bring that white people shit in here again. It was very, that was very traumatizing.
And now I say all that to say that now it's, it's nothing.
And, uh, this kid is a black kid, which I could have been you. I could have been you in the video. You could have been showing Justin Bieber up at the skateboard.
That is progress. So in that, in that, in that, uh, instance, it's you got, I don't know if I should be for it or, or maybe I should be a little salty that I would, that, uh, you're able to do this without, uh, ridicule, but I was completely shamed.
You said this was like in the nineties. Yeah, this is in the nineties. To be fair, there were some pro black skaters in the nineties.
Like, why did I know about this? Some pretty prolific ones too. Like, uh, you play Tony Hawk's pro skater, right?
I never played it. Oh, that's when I was shamed. I, I brought everything associated skateboarding. I haven't done it.
That's it's all right. I had jinco jeans. Actually, maybe it was the jinco jeans. Yeah, maybe I did deserve it. Yeah. Jinko jeans.
That's, that's not, not acceptable to anybody.
No, uh, Tony Hawk's pro skater, that, that inspired me to start skateboarding, just a video game. So I feel like your Bart Simpson story is a little bit cooler. Cause it's like a little off skateboarding. Anyway, that's another story.
When did you start skateboarding? Uh, I was like, I don't, what was my exact age? I probably started like, like around like 10 or 12. And then I took like a long break and then like in high school, or like I just stopped skateboarding cause like, I just, I didn't have anyone to teach me. And then, um, in high school, I met like a group of friends that skated and then we just like, that's what I did all throughout high school.
And then, yeah, we still do it through, yeah. Whenever I can now in my adult life, when I'm not scared of getting injured.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Worry about, you know, health insurance, doctor's bills. Yeah. Yes.
But, uh, Stevie Williams is one of the bigger, I hope I'm getting his name right, but he's a, he was a huge skateboarder in the, um, yeah. In the nineties and black guy there's, and then there's a whole, there was a whole skate brand, uh, where like the whole team was like, um, you know, uh, people of color.
Yeah. Wow. What? Yeah. You had a chance to show your family. Oh, this is blowing my mind. And then, yeah, there was like, uh, they kind of came up in the nineties. Yeah. There's two that I can think of that. And then like, there's a specific group of skateboarders that like, I grew up like watching cause, uh, like this is one of the things that I thought about too, is like, there's a skateboarder named Daewon Song and I originally wanted to talk about him because he's an Asian skateboarder that is like basically one of the best skateboarders in the world right now. And, um, yeah.
And like, he came from like basically nothing. Like I was reading his story to like prepare to talk about this. And it was like, he, uh, basically like grew up in LA and all his friends, like he's like, we're involved in gangs and stuff and he saw like friends like, like getting shot and killed and like, he just stuck with skateboarding. And then that became his career and now he's like one of the best in the world. And so, yeah, there's guys, and he came up in the nineties too. So it was like, no excuses.
I mean, it is hard when you have your family telling you to stop it. So I can get it through it.
All right. Uh, okay.
So this, so another thing about this specific instance, the, the Bieber incident with the no name person, um, I actually, you don't know this about me. I have Bieber fever. Oh, this is great. I mean, I, I don't, so much, I wouldn't call myself a Bieber fanatic, but, uh, I did used to before he became an adult.
Cause I think he's got, he's at least 21 now, right? Yeah. Over 20, but he's been famous for very long since he was a child and people would shit on him so hard when he was a kid for doing like childlike things, this kid had $200 million. You know, he's like 16 years old. He's got $200 million we're lucky he's not buying, you know, atomic bombs or whatever, but like he's got that kind of money or he, he did. He probably still does.
Uh, but people would shit on him so hard when he was like now, if you shit on him for doing something stupid as an adult, I feel like, okay, it's okay, but when he was a child, uh, I feel like people were a little, uh, too rough on him. Um, so anything where you would try to dig in to him a little bit, uh, I don't know, I just, I don't love it, but this guy says that that wasn't what he was trying to do.
Yeah. He wasn't actually trying to show up Bieber. Yeah.
You can, there's an interview online. Uh, basically he says, uh, they ask him, like, was he really trying to show him up or comp him, you know, um, and he said, uh, yeah, or snake him and he's, he's saying the story is he was trying to teach Justin Bieber how to do a 360 flip and he was telling him, like he was just giving him specific things like, Oh, lean back a little bit. Like the board's not flipping enough. Like you're, uh, you're leaning the wrong way. So the video that is shown is like probably the aftermath of that of Justin Bieber trying it.
And then him showing him what the trick looked like is what he said. So it was, I mean, he did show people what even saying it like that. I was just trying to show him what it's supposed to look like. I mean, that's the, this interview was not, uh, this, it's a written article, so you don't get the tone of what, but, uh, yeah, I mean, I guess I can buy that.
Uh, yeah. He does have, we noted that he does, he does have a smile. Yeah.
A huge grin on his face, which yeah, which could be read either way. He could be happy that he showed Justin Bieber the right thing. Like, Hey, this is how you do it. Or he could just be happy that he snaked him.
Um, yeah, but I think, I, yeah, it's, it's tough to know what he really was trying to do. But I think, I think it was a mixture of both because that's a very real thing at a skate park, like no matter who it is, like sometimes like you just give pointers to someone trying a trick.
So that is a part of like the culture. Yeah. That's a thing that happens. It's not unusual. Yeah.
I know I've been on both sides of it of like, I'm trying to trick at a skate park and then like someone just says like, Hey, like, uh, flick your foot this way or something. Or like I'm on the other side of it of just, uh, you know, I'm like doing a trick and then someone comes up to me and they're like, Oh, how do you do that? And then I just, and I explained to them and proceed to do the trick with a huge grin on my face.
Yeah. That's nice. What is it? What was his, what's his explanation for the smile or the grin? Um, Oh, what do I, oh yeah. Uh, he, uh, in the interview he says like he, that's just how he is all the time, uh, and like, well, apparently before that he had a little bit to smoke and a little bit to drink. Okay. See this that I could never imagine getting on a skateboard being a little high and a little drunk. Yeah.
I don't think, I mean, if that's true, which I mean, there's no reason for it not to be true. Uh, that alone is astonishing to me. Like that blows me away that you would be any does the trick so flawlessly, uh, that that's, I would have, I would have completely toppled over. There's no way I would have been able to keep him out.
Yeah. Uh, taking Justin Bieber out of the equation that proves he's a hero, right? Like he's all the fame worthy because he's doing tricks. Uh, you know, I'm going to say that this guy broke through barriers that I myself was not able to do. Yeah. And, uh, yeah, both racially and also, uh, how do we call that chemically? I don't know, chemically and physically transcended, uh, chemical, uh, uh, inhibition, uh, to perform a trick. I mean, truly miraculous. If I can't do it, it's a miracle. Yeah.
I mean, but that is a testament because yeah, I was telling you before this too, like there was one time I got drunk and it was just drunk and then I was like, get my skateboard out of my trunk. I want to try kick flip and like there's video of me trying it where I'm literally just like this the whole time.
Like can't even stand on it.
Now is this video, where is this video? Uh, I think it's just in personal records. Yeah, maybe all like edit something together, throw, throw a mix tape of it on my Instagram or something.
Yeah. Uh, wow. That's that's man. I, you have renewed my, I haven't thought about skateboard eight in a very long time. Uh, I will send you my medical bill. Yeah. Try it out and I'll teach you how to 360 flip. Yeah.
Adventist skate park.
You should try it up first and then a video will come out. This is live. We can't edit that out. Like that's in for good. Yeah. This is a contract. Yeah. This is a video contract. Okay.
Yeah, I'm ready. I'm ready for it.
Where's live the tape. It's not actually airing right now, but like, okay. Anywhere.
Um, wow. Very amazing.
I am ready to make a ruling on this. Uh, I love this story. Um, and I was, I mean, I have to, I got to put it.
He's in the no name person is in my hall of fame.
I have to, cause I, Oh, that was all you. That was all me. I, that's my talent.
Just clapping a million miles a second.
Yeah. I mean, I, I have to, I, I admitted multiple times that I could not do it. So that means he wins. That's what it takes to get in the hall of fame. Yeah. Can't do it. You're in most of the people have gotten in to be fair. Okay.
Uh, uh, do you have anything that you would like to, anything else that you would like to, I know that you, you, you mentioned, uh, Asian AF and, uh, other UCB shows. Um, you have a show coming up. Uh, yeah. I mean, I'm performing at Asian AF show, uh, coming up Filipino AF.
Um, actually, yeah, it's probably better not to say the specific dates. Cause I have no idea when this is going up. And mostly for the people on CH two, it wouldn't even matter. Cause this has been a week ago, all the shows passed already.
So you could just forget it. Please go to drop out.
Okay. Uh, thank you very much for being here. This was Alfred Aquino, the second. Don't forget the second. Uh, thank you very much for watching. Goodbye. Thank you. Hi, I'm Raphael.
And if you liked that video, subscribe to dropout where you can chat with the cast and the exclusive dropout discord. And that is a chest thing promise, which is almost as good as a real promise. |
dropout | Alabama_s_Other_Abortion_Options | Hello, I'm Alabama Governor Kay Ivey, and I'm here today to clear up some of the confusion about our recently passed abortion ban. While it's true we've banned abortions during the first nine months of pregnancy, we actually do allow termination following the ninth month through a variety of postnatal abortion offerings, from school shootings to poor education. Alabama's abortion bill broadens the scope of heartbeat bills that have already passed in Ohio, Georgia, and Missouri. And just like those states, we provide many safe, non-hormonal options for postnatal abortion.
For women living in rural areas, we offer the lack of accessible hospitals. I campaigned against Medicaid expansion in my last election. If waiting for your local hospital to close, as 13 of ours have in the past eight years, seems like too long of a wait, we offer several fast-track solutions. Just not faster than nine months.
In our opioid fast-track, we'll give your newborn a cute koala-shaped fentanyl lollipop to suck on that gets them hooked young. Mmm, tastes like Alabama.
More opioids get prescribed here than our state's population, so you'll have much better access to this form of abortion than getting to one of the two Planned Parenthoods still open in the state. There were over 20 abortion clinics open in Alabama in the 90s, but now there are only three. Another great example of the incredible strides we're making to move away from prenatal abortions towards more postnatal abortions. As the birthplace of many notable African Americans and the host state of the civil rights landmark Selma to Montgomery marches, we are proud to combat racism, no matter which side we're on. For black women, we provide some of the best access to postnatal abortions in the world.
Last year, Alabama was bumped down to second place for highest infant mortality rates, which is the number of children who die before their first birthday. Black infants in Alabama died at over double the rate of white infants, despite accounting for just a third of overall births. Pretty impressive. The rate of black infant deaths here was higher than in countries like Iran and Syria.
Just another example of how we'll win in the war on terrorism. And while we do restrict abortions during the first nine months, I think you'll be pleased with our expanded postnatal offerings, because we have the highest per capita death penalty rate in the country. And we're the only state which allows judges to impose a death sentence against a juris verdict of life imprisonment. So whether you're a young millennial or 82 years old in your 1000th week of gestation, we can still abort you in the form of capital punishment. It's incredibly important for us to preserve the life of our unborn children, so our judges and politicians can try to date them when they turn 14.
Hey, it's Lily. If you like CollegeHumor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout for the low price of five items off the dollar menu per month. You do the math. You'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live in the Dropout Discord and get exclusive content like Dimension 20. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? Hahahaha! Sign up for your free trial today.
Did you do the math from earlier? And if you did, can you tell me how much it was? Because I'm bad with numbers. Five, five times one. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_44_deputy_prime_minister_michael_mccormack | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate, on Desert Rock FM. Hello, welcome back. You are listening to the Diamantina podcast network here with Clancy Overall and me, Errol Parker, sitting here in the Koala Mattress Studios in downtown Batooter. We are about to be joined by a very special guest today, leader of the National Party and the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia, Michael McCormack. Yes, yes, he made headlines earlier this month in the streets of Parks, New South Wales at the annual Elvis Festival in full Graceland garb, and he's made his way up to the Diamantina Shire today to talk to us about being the Deputy Prime Minister and the interesting, however, chaotic environment that he finds himself in now at the top of the cabinet.
But before we get started, we're going to take a quick second to let you know about another great program here on Desert Rock FM. It's called Hello Sport, and if you like listening to people talk shit, which is highly likely given you've tuned into our radio show, then you'll probably enjoy what the Hello Sport guys have to say on all manner of things in the sporting world. Here's a quick 30 second snippet from them. You are listening to the Hello Sport podcast.
It seems to me like cricket would be the easiest fucking sport to select for. Do you fucking score runs or not? Who scores the most runs? In a time like this, it's always important for us to go to the NRL penis power rankings.
On the George Burgess scale, I don't think it's that impressive. No, I don't think hard napper stacks up to soft George.
Is Bruce dating wings? Yeah, I'm not going to get into the tabloid stuff, but the room around the stables are that, you know, one prominent pony may have found love with a prominent race caller. Yes, that was the Hello Sport podcast, and they're on after us every week here on Desert Rock FM, syndicated through the Diamantina podcast network, so give them a whirl.
And thank you to the Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack for being so patient as we gave quite a lengthy intro here today. Now, Mr. Deputy Prime Minister, you made headlines earlier this year down in Parks in full Elvis kit, as we mentioned earlier, and even did a bit of singing for the camera as we saw that, Mr. Deputy. Well, Parks Elvis Festival is now 27 years old. It's been going nearly as long as the Petuta Advocate, and it's just as popular, and it contributes $13 million to the Parks economy, the Central West economy. What a fantastic initiative it's been.
And you know, if you can bring a bit of joy to people's faces by dressing up in a powder blue outfit and glasses and wig and, you know, sing a few Elvis. Everybody loves Elvis. I mean, I ain't nothing but a hound dog, but some people say, but, you know, and I don't want them to return me to sender, but, you know, I got in there, and I had a go, and they loved it. The 10,000 people there on the Saturday night, and I got up and sang Suspicious Minds on a whim when I was called up on the stage to do so. Very National Party song, isn't it? Well, thank you for joining us up here in the Channel Country.
It's good to have a Nat up here that's not overshadowed by David. He casts a big shadow, David. He does. He's doing a good job. He's doing a good job as Ag Minister, and, you know, I've got a great team. Yeah, and there's a bit of a dynasty there with the little Prads. Brian, yeah, our standing contributor to public life.
He worked closely with Joe, but we've got to ask, a lot's happened since the Joe B. Ockie Peterson era in Queensland. Not many dams have been built since the Joe era in Queensland. What do you think's happening right now?
What does the typical Nat voter look like to you in Queensland right now heading into this election? Well, I don't think there is anything such thing as a typical Nat voter, because, you know, when you're at an election, when you're at the polling booth and people are coming up and asking you for how to vote cards, you know, they can look like a rabid greenie, or they can look like your traditional, you know, sort of RM Williams and tweed coat and straw out of the mouth. And you know what the bloke who looks like the greenie or the woman who looks like, you know, she'd come out of a hippie festival. Sometimes they're voting Nats and the other person isn't. So, you know, I don't ever try and judge as to who might vote for us or who doesn't, but...
Except for the neo-Nazis. Well, we don't want those, no. We certainly don't want those.
No, so how did that start to come about? Well, look, like any political party, you know, when you get enthusiastic young people wanting to sign up, you don't check all their bona fides. They put the check in, they sign up, they, you know, they fill out a form. But we have tightened up our procedures.
That's the last thing we need is... I think it's the last thing any political party needs, quite frankly.
You know, the things which unite us in Australia are far greater than those which divide us. And I think any political party would be concerned at some of the extremist views that are expressed. And look, we acted quickly, we moved quickly to distance ourselves and to get rid of those people. And, you know, it was a responsible thing to do. It certainly was a hell of a year for the National Party last year. The flavour of the month, though, recently has been the issue of water.
There's a polarising issue out west in a lot of regional communities, and that is growing cotton about how... It's a good cash crop. You know, it's one of our biggest exports. How you can't eat cotton, that cotton farming should be outlawed. Look, I'm a believer in the cotton industry. You know, we need fibre, we need exports.
And we need to make sure that, you know, we use our water wisely. No one, no one are better environmentalists than our farmers. And, you know, and I know that we've... A lot of rice farmers in the Riverina, in the southern Riverina, have turned from rice to cotton because it's a good export industry. The cotton gins have created employment, created jobs for some of those towns which were going backwards fast. They've given renewed hope for those little rural communities on the rivers. You know, making available use of irrigation. But no one uses water more wisely than our farmers. Whether they're growing cotton, rice, whatever the case might be, vegetables, we grow it, we grow it very well, and our farmers are the best environmentalists.
And they have to account for every single drop of water that they receive, that they pay for. So the short answer is the reason why the river's not flowing all the way from Gunny to Gala is because it hasn't rained. Well, it's one of the major reasons. And look, this is a regulated system.
And, you know, I often hark back to, you know, the history books when we were taught about Charles Sturt and his explorations through the interior. He carried his boat more often than he actually pedalled it, because it was very dry. You know, when they were circumnavigating Australia and they were mapping Australia, the mouth of the Murray was sanded over, as I understand. I mean, we have had severe dry periods where you just haven't had rain or water flowing in the system.
Now, you know, I know the fish event at Menindee is awful and it's terrible and it makes for dreadful viewing on social media. But the fact is we've had hundreds of these events since 1980.
Now, of course, back in 1980, they didn't have Twitter. They didn't have social media.
And so people couldn't share it and then point the finger at the cotton farmers or the nationals or whoever the case might be and say, well, they're responsible. Just back to the fish. We did see that this seems to be an issue that the farmers are split on. You know, we don't believe those two, like, old bushies that we saw, everyone saw pop up on the news. We don't believe that they're green sleeper cells. No, no, no, certainly not. And they seem to be saying that it's the cotton farmers. At the cotton growers, New South Wales, Minister Noah Blair took past on a speedboat, didn't even stop to speak with them. So there's a frustration and we know regional areas are and agriculture as a whole is actually quite tribal. It's not just a big bunch of acubras. What are you doing to talk to those farmers, particularly downstream, that are starting to question that maybe there's this blue blood iron fist held on the river? Yeah, well, look, when it doesn't rain, everybody wants to apportion blame.
And I appreciate that, you know, for Walgett, they've had an issue with their water system such that they ran out of water because the electricity went down. I understand that, yes, yes, at the moment is undergoing a situation to where their filtration system has cacked it. It will get repaired. It will get fixed.
These are issues where, you know, we can't make it rain, but we can have good water policy. But the fact is, the Murray-Darling Basin plan is largely an environmental document. You know, it has it has levers that we can pull and we can adjust. It's a workable document. But at the end of the day, it's very much an ecological environmental document, which places the interests of the environment first. And some would argue, most would argue, perhaps, that that's the way it ought to be. You know, when you have zero allocations for water in Deniliquin and other parts, they can hardly be blamed for this situation.
But it'll rain. It'll rain in buckets. And when it does, we'll probably curse the fact that we've got too much rain in the system, too much water flowing down the Darling and, you know, the Murray and the Murrumbidgee.
That's just the nature of Australia. Do you reckon we'll get steamboats back out at Bourke? Not quite sure we'll get steamboats back at Bourke. The Wagga Wagga steamer, the paddle steamer, is actually on a sandy beach at Narrander. Only becomes visible when the water level goes down so low that the remnants of it, you know, back at the turn of last century, you know, when it washed up on the beach there. You know, I don't quite think we'll see paddle steamers back there.
But the fact is, I would encourage people who want a tourism experience to go out and experience Broken Hill, to experience Bourke, Wilcannia, those sorts of places, because there's lots of places out there which need capital city money. And there's lots of things to see and do. Well, we did make the press a few days ago, actually, that the mob at Google, they got a bit confused with the travel times where they were saying a round trip from Windora out to Birdsville, via Batutah was going to take you a day and a half. Where in reality, that's much less.
Well, you know, but we are building more and better roads under our record $75 billion infrastructure. Thanks for the lead in. And, you know, we want people to get home sooner and safer. We want to make sure that we get food and fibre to ports quicker. And that's why we're building the roads of the future.
Now, the Nats aren't just representing, I mean, back in the day, we talked about the Biotki-Peterson era. They were representing all kinds of industries. The last kind of couple of decades, a lot of the voters, the mainstream voters would just look at the Nats as, you know, looking after regional agricultural areas. What are some of the other kind of industries you're seeing move into the bush that isn't strictly related to, you know, farming and...
Well, look at the Northern Oil Refinery in Gladstone. Now, there is a classic example of a rural and regional business started by Tim and Camille Rose at Wagga Wagga, converting sump oil, used sump oil back into a beautiful vibe, a beautiful oil that can be used in headers and tractors and the like. Now, he's developed that. He's taken it to Gladstone on, you know, on my advice and Keno Dowd's advice, and he started a business there, a factory there, that's employing, you know, nearly 100 people that's had, you know, good support from government. But the fact is he's now looking at trash from sugar cane, trash from waste trash, and he's converting that into usable energy, usable oil.
And what an amazing industry that is. I mean, Elvis has been, like you said, Elvis is a great thing for parks. Bathers has got the racing, Lithgow has got the prisons. Everything needs their little niche and their little kind of industry. Trundle's got the ABBA Festival, first weekend in May.
You were out there last year? I might have dressed up as Bjorn. I might have sort of sang a line or two of Fernando. It was actually a pretty funny story there, but I don't know whether we've got time to tell it, but I'm happy to do it if you've got the time. Go on, let's hear it.
Well, they asked me to judge the fashions of the ABBA Festival, and there I was with eight glamorous-looking Fritas and Annas. So I was the only bloke on the actual judging panel, and they had any number of people in any number of categories lining up, and they all had the little number. Each entrant had a number. And, of course, they were coming onto the stage faster than I could actually judge them, because we had all these different categories, the wow factor, move in the groove, authenticity, all these different categories. And we had to judge each out of 10 and add it up, and they were coming onto the stage way faster than I could manage to even write down a number. So in the group section, these people came up, and they just looked to me as though they were just wearing jeans and a T-shirt, and I just didn't think it looked very authentic. So I turned to my right, where all the eight Annas and Frida lookalikes were busily judging, and went to ask for some advice, but they were all far too busy. So I turned to this woman next to me on the left, who was getting way too much into it, really way too, and she was dressed up as, she had this shock of black hair, and she was obviously Frida.
And I said, oh, excuse me. I said, you seem to know what you're talking about. Does this entrant, this group section, do these people, are they authentic? And she looked at me with horror, and she said, well, you should know you're the judge. And I said, well, look, I'm sorry. She said, well, if you don't know that that's off the 1978 album cover, Best Of, whatever, whatever, she said, then you've got no right to be judged in this, and I mean no right to be judged in this. I said, well, look, I'm sorry, I didn't know that, but if that's the case, thank you very much. I appreciate your advice.
So I gave them an eight or nine out of 10, because if that was the case, then they obviously were. She caught their imagination. Chris Pine would have picked up on it.
I don't know about that. But he is a snappy dresser. But anyway. He is an ABBA man. Well. He said that I'm Q and A. Well, I'm an ABBA man myself. Well, who isn't an ABBA fan? I mean, who doesn't know every word to, you know, Fernando?
Anyway, the fact is, so I've gone on judging, and this woman was not happy. She was not sad. She said, excuse me. She said, if you didn't know that was the 78 album cover, she said, why are you judging it?
I said, oh, look, I was just asked to do so. And she said, well, all your friends, they seem to know what they're talking about. I said, well, they do. You know, good for them, the happy days. So I've gone on and continued.
She said, no, no, no. And she started poking me. She said, no. She said, who are you?
And I said, well, you know, look, I was asked to be a celebrity. Oh, celebrity, are you? Oh, celebrity. So who are you?
She said, are you the local supermarket owner? I said, no, I kept judging. She said, are you the local copper?
I said, no, he's over there. He's over there.
And she said, well, how can I tell that? I said, well, how could you tell that? Everybody's dressed up as Benny, Bjorn, Anna or Frida. How would you be able to tell it, you know?
And she said, well, are you the local primary school principal? I said, no, I'm not a teacher either. She said, well, I wanna know who you are. She said, are you the mayor? I said, no, that's Ken Keith.
He's dressed up as Bjorn as well. I was dressed up as Bjorn, you see. Full Bjorn, Bjorn again, born again, Bjorn.
And she said, well, I want to know who you are. She said, if you're gonna judge this, you need to know what you're talking about.
And I said, well, look, you know, it's a bit of fun. We're all having fun. I said, you know, I'm just doing my best, okay?
She said, but you need to have credentials. You need to have bona fides, credentials, talent.
And she said, and you obviously, you don't know what you're talking about. I said, well, you know what? I said, you know what?
I'm actually the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia. She goes, yes, and you're full of shit too. And I said, no, no, no, I actually am. And she said, well, prove it. So out of my tight jumpsuit, I've pulled this card, a business card, and I handed it to her. She goes, you found that? I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, trust me. I am, I'm the Deputy Prime Minister. She goes, you are not.
She said, give me another one. I said, I don't have another one. She said, I told you, you'd picked it up.
I said, so it's hard to carry around a whole heap of business cards in a jumpsuit worn by ABBA in the 1970s. So a little bit later on, I'm up on the stage, the full stage, looking over this sea of six and a half thousand ABBA aficionados. And Ken Keith, the Mayor, has introduced me as the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia, Federal Member for Riverina. Michael McCormack, born again, beyond. I've gone to the microphone and said, look, this is fantastic. I look out over this sea of faces, and I said, and I, this brings so much money, money, money into the town. And I said, we've got an election next year and I want you to, you know, take a chance on me. And of course, all the ABBA songs come out one after the other. The crowd groaned and clapped and waved, carried on. So then I announced the winners of the fashions. And as I'm meandering back through to find my dressed up Anna, my wife, Catherine, this woman came up to me.
She said, oh my goodness. She said, I owe you such an apology. She said, no idea. She had no idea you were the Deputy Prime Minister. I said, no, it's okay, it's all good. She said, oh, but have I offended her? I said, oh no, God, how could you offend me? Look at me. She said, I just thought she looked. She said, how good is it?
We live in a country where the Deputy Prime Minister can dress up as Bjorn. She said, what a great thing, but how silly do you look? She said, can I get a selfie? I said, sure, no drama. So, you know, you can, it's great that you can get out into the country, have a bit of fun, dress up as Bjorn or Elvis or whatever the case might be.
They've got a Bowie festival out there, so we can expect to see you out there in some. Well, Mark Colton is quite jealous because they have a drag queen festival at Parks, of course, with, not Parks, Broken Hill, sorry.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but how often does that happen? Because- What, the Trundle Abba Festival? No, no, no, no, you've got a bit of a name for being- Oh, dressing up on the weekend. No, no, no, as being, like, no one really knows what you look like, Michael. Yeah.
Amazing, like- Well, I dress up as Elvis in the first weekend or thereabouts in January. I dress up as Abba on the first weekend in May.
Apart from that, I just get around my electorate, get around the countryside in what I've probably got on now. How often would you get recognised? Oh, often. You'd be amazed at how many people- Outside of the river rain. No, no, no, you'd be amazed at how many people in a lift say, you're the deputy prime minister, you're Michael McCormack. It's amazing. Put it this way, you couldn't do anything wrong and no matter where I go, whether it's a Tassie on the weekend, I was down in Hobart, I drove the Midland Highway, I was there in Launceston with our fantastic candidate, Carl Cooper, and our fantastic Senate candidate, Steve Martin, and the number of people who came up to me at events, came up to me in the street, said, good day, Michael, good day, Mick. Well, you're doing well. Considering your predecessor was threatening to kill Hollywood stars' pets and getting international headlines, you've got a bit of a media footprint leading into this imminent election, you reckon? Well, look, I want people to see me at town hall meetings and on the back of utes and on the back of, on the top of hay bales, whatever the case might be, talking about the sorts of things that matter to them, but more importantly, listening to them. And you know, I'll be out there, I'll be sometimes in a suit, I'll be sometimes dressed down, whatever the case might be, whatever the case and occasion arises.
You know, people know the nats, we've been around for 100 years, people have been trying to write us off for 100 years, but you know what? We're still there, we're still delivering, we're still turning up, and that's important.
Now you have a background as a newspaper editor for the esteemed Reverina publication, The Daily Advertiser. 58 journalists I had at my disposal when I was the group editor of the Reverina Media Group and editor of The Daily Advertiser. How many of the Petuta Advocate got? We've got about 80 running on the main floor, but obviously, you know, we've got the classifieds. Classifieds are still rivers of gold in Reverina.
Yeah, indeed. But, you know, that was media before Parliament. Do you find, you know, you have a better kind of base heading into politics as someone coming from media as an editor, as opposed to an ex-accountant or lawyer as the swamp is made up of? Well, look, I mean, the National Party are a very wide and broad church, and I mean, I grew up on the farm, I was raised on family farms at Mara and Brucedale.
I started off as a newspaper journalist, worked my way up from a cadet to a daily newspaper editor at age 27, spent 11 years as the editor. Then I went into my own small business, so I had a small business for eight years where, you know, got out and about the countryside and did that, and it was a very successful business. We went into, still going the business, still going.
But I think if you're generally in touch with your community, if you know the sorts of things that are touch points in your community, and Wagga Wagga is one of those places where if it's happening in Wagga Wagga, it's probably happening elsewhere in Australia, we've got all three arms of the defence, every army recruit goes through Wagga Wagga. If you spend any given time in the Air Force, you end up at RAAF Base, Wagga Forest Hill. And we've even got a Navy base, even though we- Just about every doctor goes through there as well at some point. Well, indeed, and why wouldn't they? We're now building the Murray-Darling Rural Medical School Network. But it's a town which has a whole lot of different facets. It's a microcosm of actually Australia. So I think if you're in touch with that, then you're pretty much in touch with the rest of Australia, and rural and regional Australia is different than the capital cities.
Much more friendly. Well, you've got the Italians out there. Have you got Griffith in your electorate? It was in my electorate.
They've got 100 different nationalities, communities, but it is one community. 100 different nationalities, but one community, and they are very parochial.
For feeders of Griffith boys. Yeah, and I heard that they also extended quite a warm Griffith welcome to Tony Burke once upon a time. Can you tell us a little bit about that?
Well, yes, I do recall we had the first meeting of the draft of the Murray-Darling Basin plan, which they burnt the book in the street, and they were very, very angry. Horses' heads were thrown on the table. It was quite ugly.
And Tony come up to me and he said, look, in true bipartisanship, he said, let's go out there. I'll talk to a group of farmers.
Let's be sensible about this. No media. We'll do the right thing.
So the following week we flew out there and we met a group of stakeholders in John Bernardy's shed. But as we were going in, this swarthy-looking fellow who I'd not seen before and have not seen since grabbed him by the coat and said, minister, minister, and he turned around and he said, they still haven't found Donald McKay's body yet, which, you know, was, and Tony's looked at me with this as the blood drained from his face. I said, just keep coming. You know, that's a bit rough.
But the fact is, Griffith is a proud community. The fact is, you know, it's still, it's one of the best fibre and food producers in the nation. And I have to say, you know, it's moved on a lot from those times in the 1970s. Look, Donald McKay did a pair of good in the Murrumbidgee Irrigation Area. There is no question. But Griffith has moved on. It is proud of what it has achieved. It should be. It is one of the greatest regional cities in Australia. Make no mistake. And those people, whilst they're very passionate about their water and, you know, the fact is they've got every reason to be because there's, you know, there's a lot of good going on in that community.
And they, you know, wine as well. Casella wines and Yellow Tail. You know, the Debortelees are doing some fantastic things and, you know, you drive out through Yendi, you drive out to Griffith, you know, it's got not just a big solar farm as you drive into Griffith, but honestly, it looks like Cape Canaveral with all the silver cylinders, which are storing all the wonderful produce that we all know and love. Yeah.
Now, you said before, how many did you have working under you at the Daily Advertiser? Well, I said 58, but you usurped me. You said you had 80. Yeah, we had 80. I didn't see them as I walked into the office, but you know what?
Well done, that's great. You're investing in rural and regional Australia. I tip my hat to you. Thorel out in the field.
The cat went up a tree down in Badoorie, so they couldn't be here to meet you, sorry.
But the Daily Advertiser, coming as an editor of a newspaper, you had the ability, as you know, a lot of people in those kind of positions do, where you can sack people. And that must have been different, heading into politics after that and coming from business, because one thing we've seen with a lot of people that come from- I tried not to sack too many people. Yeah, and you'd have trouble doing it anyway, because that's one thing that everyone kind of can see that went wrong with Turnbull. He went from the banking sector, where if a subordinate kind of questioned him, he'd tell him to put their stuff in a cardboard box and no one would ever hear him again. They'd be blacklisted from the industry, I'm sure. But when George Christensen says to Malcolm Turnbull, I disagree with you, he can't sack him.
He's got to try and work with him. And how do you deal with, as we said, a very tribal kind of agricultural sector? Well, politics is the art of negotiation. It's also the art of being able to give people hope. And you can't always win every argument. And sometimes you have to work out the best possible solution, sometimes through a little bit of compromise, but sometimes giving a little to get a lot. And the National Party, we punch well above our weight when it comes to making sure that the sorts of things that rural and regional people need, that rural and regional people get.
And we've been doing it for a hundred years, ever since William McWilliams was the leader. I might add, he was another newspaper editor. He would have been in fine company here from Tasmania. And we will continue to do that.
And at the end of the day, you are only the custodian of a position. Yes, I'm the National Party leader at the moment and the member for Avaruna. I love my job. I love my joint role, as you could say. I'm also the Minister for Infrastructure for Transport and for Regional Development. It's a fantastic portfolio. It gives me the ability to be able to go right around Australia and to see what things are needed and to be able to make a difference, make a change for the better. But I'm only the custodian of a position just like previous leaders were and just like prime ministers are. And so you do your best for as long as your party room, as long as the people who are constituents want you to do the job. And it's a rare honour and a rare privilege to be able to do it.
If the ALP win this year's election, how will regional Australia be worse off? Well, all the funding programs, if Labour wins the election, all those funding programs, the Building Better Regions Fund, the Stronger Communities Program, all of those will go. There is no risk. The $500 million we've just tipped into the National Water Infrastructure Fund, Development Fund, will go.
Labour does not care about the regions and they might claim they do. They might get out, go to the RM Williams store and buy a pair of RM's and put in a Coober hat and go bush there for one or two days during the campaign. But they don't understand rural Australia and nor do they care. You know, they believe their milk comes from a supermarket refrigerator in a capital city.
Have we seen Bill Shorten come out and condemn those people who are paying, allegedly, cash for cruelty? Have we seen Bill Shorten come out and, you know, the Aussie Farms website, which is naming Australian farming businesses, naming them, putting their addresses up, have we seen him come out and condemn those? Have we seen him actually stick up for coal miners in regional Queensland who just want a job, who want to pay just like everybody else does for their children's education and get a better outcome for their kids, for their futures? Have we seen him back those?
No, he doesn't. Bill Shorten does not care about rural and regional Australia. He has never, he doesn't now and he won't into the future and that will show out if ever he becomes Prime Minister.
I've got to give it to Scott Morrison. He's an inner city boy. You know, he's the member for Cook in the Shire and yet when I went in after he'd been elected as the Liberal leader and so he was Prime Minister elect, we were working out the coalition agreement, we were working out how we were going to come to the arrangement such that he would be then sworn in as Prime Minister later that afternoon and I said, well, first course of business, PM, elect Scott, you've got to go and visit a rural community stricken by drought. He turned the piece of paper around and he had written, visit Queensland drought stricken community and I thought, well, we're off to a good start and it's been a good start. He does care about rural and regional Australia and he's willing to learn and to make sure that more city Australians, more urban Australians understand too.
What can the National Party do to bring about a bit of stability in the Liberal Party? Do you guys, you know, cause there was a little bit of after the last spill kind of, you know, there was a feeling in regional Australia that, you know, the Nats were just saying, are you guys done yet? We need stability in government. It is difficult though when you've got a media which is absolutely obsessed by change. You've got a media which is, you know, stories are angled to create agitation and particularly when you've got numbers so finely balanced in the House of Representatives. So everybody can be a hero and everybody can be a villain any day of the week and they know that and they know that every single vote in the House of Representatives counts for something. If you've got a government, you know, with a reasonable majority, you can have a little bit more of a stable government and sometimes I just wish the media had lay off.
Really, I do. And I mean, that comes from somebody who's been in the media, who understands the role of the media and I know it's the media's role to keep us accountable. It is. There's make no question. But sometimes some of the stories are just confected and sometimes you get some of the politicians themselves who have this indignant outrage that is also confected and I just think we sometimes need to just take, you know, we need to take a Bex and we need to lie down and we need to just think about the fact that we are running the country and that newspapers and media outlets in general are doing a job that is very responsible and people, when they read it, they need to be able to believe it. Generally, my office knows when I'm being featured in the Batutah Advocate because we get calls from people who say, oh, McCormack's just said this in the Batutah Advocate. But you know, putting that aside for one moment, you know, we've got a responsible job and we want to build a better Australia and you know, that's what Liberal and National Party members are doing. Every day of the week, we're out there making sure that people's interests and their cost of living are addressed, those issues are being addressed.
Well, speaking of things that, you know, that are a bit of a laughing matter sometimes, you know, as you said, you know, there are people who don't take our journalism quite as serious as they should have. I can't understand why that's the case, Errol, but anyway, do go on. Like a lot of people in this country, when they first read what Andrew Broad had sent a young lady, was the first time that you read that, I just want to know, did you laugh along with the rest of the nation? I'm not quite sure laughing would have been the reaction, the immediate reaction. It was probably more, oh my goodness, oh dear, a heavy exhale. Look, it came as a surprise to me as well and, you know, seriously, you don't think those things, let alone actually put them, you know, type them with your fingers.
But anyway, moving right along. Yeah, okay, okay.
I mean, that has been a thorn in the side for the National Party, has been the sex icons that have been moving in and out of certain cabinet positions. Well, you know, it's other parties too. I read with some despair and disdain, you know, allegations about the Greens too. They've not totally endeared themselves with, you know, members of the average public who, or average members of the public who just want us to get on and do the job, for God's sake. And of course, when you are an MP, of course these little sideline exploits, you know, they do attract a lot more attention. And we need to always remember that we are members of the community who are civic leaders and we need to rise above that sort of thing. Now, look, you steer clear of a lot of drama. As we mentioned before, your reputation is so squeaky clean that you've got to get out there and be a politician to get noticed, as opposed to, you know, scandal and the other things that have ejected certain members of your party into the household name status.
But you, not much of a drinker, but it's surprising because, you know, we do know down there is a bit of a, is a wet kind of environment to be- Yeah, sure. Look, I've heard the Batut of Bitter is pretty good. I don't mind a port now and again. You know, I have the occasional pale ale. I mean, you know, I don't mind a red wine and particularly if it's from the Riverines, so much the better. I'm certainly not a, I'm certainly not a teetotaler. I found it amusing when I became the DPM, I had one news organization say he's never far from having a drink in his hand at the local pub and another newspaper organization said I was a complete teetotaler. So I think probably somewhere in the middle would probably best describe me.
Yeah, well, it is interesting because like, you know, as the Labour Party icon, Sam Dastyari, said on his new medium, his new channel, which is in fact, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here, which is, you know, could be argued is quite a fall from grace from where it was. He's a celebrity, stop listening to him. But anyway. He was banging on about the drinking in Canberra and he has done for some time. But he was banging on about a lot of things in Canberra and it actually painted a pretty bad picture.
Look, I've got to tell you that most people in the parliament, and this goes for all parliamentarians, they're pretty genuine people. They get in for the right reasons. They work hard and honestly, even, I said before, the things which unite us are greater than those which divide us, even across the parliament, you know, you do form good friendships. And I know when other members of parliament are not feeling as perhaps as flash or as bright as they can be, I've often reached out the hand of friendship across the aisle to say, are you okay, mate? And, you know, I get on very well with a lot of Labour members.
I don't agree with what their philosophies are on politics. I don't agree with what they say during question time, but you know what, they're decent people. And we sometimes forget that politicians are people too. And I think sometimes with politicians, particularly ex-politicians who are just looking to grab a headline, a la Dasty Ari, a la Mark Latham, goodness knows, let's hope he doesn't get in. You know, those sorts of people, they're just out to cause controversy. And that is by dragging down the profession, which used to be actually held up to something.
And I can remember growing up, I mean, our local federal member, Wal Fife, was, you know, considered almost deity by mum and dad. They thought he was wonderful and did a great job. And he did.
And, you know, I suppose gone are those days, everybody's got a certain cynicism, not helped by social media, I have to say. But the fact is most politicians get on and work hard. And, you know, and at the end of the day, they like to go home to their families and they want to build a better community. That's in the main. I would like to think that that's what most politicians are and do. And, you know, we just get on and do the job. Well, just lastly, we're kind of wrapping up here. We've seen before, you know, exactly what you're talking about, where people can actually come together and get along.
And we've seen a bit of a budding bromance between Albanese and pine over the last couple of years, you know, cross-party friendship. Who would you take fishing out of anyone outside of the liberal national? Well, I get on very well with Anthony Albanese. I mean, he's a decent fellow and he's got his own craft brew named after him. Rob Mitchell, who I have to tell him, I'd say to his face if he's sitting here, he's a complete buffoon in the House of Reps, but we've been on a few committee trips around Australia and elsewhere together and always got along fairly well. Ed Hughesick's a thoroughly decent person. You know, Sharon Clayton, you know, I know she's a really decent human being, you know, representing that Hunter Newcastle area.
You know, there's a lot of good people in labour. I just hope they don't get elected in huge numbers at the next election, because, you know, I want to continue to govern. I want to continue to deliver for the people of Australia. But like I say, there's some good people, there's some good intent, you know, and we need to make sure that, you know, that more of the public understand that the role of a politician isn't easy. There's a lot of people in there doing their very best to build a better Australia on every side of politics. And so, but it's a rare and honoured role to be able to fill the role that I'm doing.
I'll do it to the very best of my ability for as long as I can, and we'll just go from there. Well, we're just coming up to the top of the hour now, Michael. We hope the rest of the time you spend up here in the Diamond Tener is just as fun as this past 45 minutes has been. Absolutely, thank you very much.
And make sure you get to see the artesian baths just out of town. They're nice, they're popular with the local teenagers, but also, you know, any travellers. They're very popular artesian baths. We've got one at Barm Edmond, and of course, the Maury ones are very popular too.
So looking forward to, I won't be quite getting down to Mespedos and doing that, but anyway, as Elvis would say, thank you. Thank you very much. Our ones are a lot better than the ones out at Thargomindah. That's a little bit of local knowledge. Righto. Yeah, it's a rare honour to have the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia in our studios. Great interview. Thank you for your time, Michael.
And in case you're tuning in now, the gist of it was cotton growers, good, Sarah Hanson-Young, bad. Yes, yes, that could arguably be the point that the Deputy Prime Minister made here on our podcast today. Yeah, so shame on you to the Greens, and we'll see you next week, hopefully with some special guests ahead of the Hoppawaty, poor gallon showdown. It'll be happening down in Sydney in the next couple of weeks. Hoping to get a couple of those guys on, and we'll speak to you next week.
Until then, be kind to each other. Yes, and stay out of the pokies. My name is Errol Parker, and keep it good to each other. |
TheOnion | Could_Tom_Brady_Be_The_New_Face_Of_The_NFL | Welcome back, sweatheads.
There are a lot of storylines coming out of the Super Bowl, but the big question I want to talk about is whether Tom Brady could be the new face of the NFL. It's no secret the league is struggling right now. Ratings are down. They haven't had real star power since Peyton Manning left. The NFL needs a fresh face.
And I think after this Super Bowl, Tom Brady could be the perfect poster boy. Brady checks all the boxes. He's a winner, he's a good looking guy, hard working, and he doesn't get into trouble off the field. He's also playing for a big name franchise in the Patriots. Sure, he may not have the charisma of a Cam Newton, but he's got the no-nonsense demeanor and the drive to win that a lot of fans love. Sports leagues need bright, young, marketable stars, and if I'm the NFL, I'm going all in on Brady as the future face of my league. Commercials, late night shows, this guy should be everywhere. After years of starving for a marquee player, the league finally has someone they can point to and say, this is what we're about. I think Brady could end up being someone really special for the NFL.
So I'm watching the Super Bowl celebrations last night, and I can't help but think, why did they give a trophy to every team that wins the Super Bowl? What kind of culture are we living in that every goddamn squad that triumphs on Super Bowl Sunday is rewarded with confetti and a huge trophy? And not to mention the champagne party in the locker room afterward. I mean, Christ, talk about a culture of coddling. I'm telling you, we're setting these football players up for failure after the NFL. What's Nick Foles going to do in the real world? Expect a trophy every time he gets to work on time? Look, I try not to get political on this show, but this Super Bowl trophy giving trend isn't just about sports, it's about society. What are we teaching our kids when they see this bullshit on TV? That you should expect the Vince Lombardi trophy every time you win the Super Bowl?
My son's middle school won their football championship last fall, and wouldn't you guess it? Sitting on his shelf right now is an individual trophy that says District 37 League Champion 2017. Yeah, what's worse? There's a huge plaque commemorating his entire team in the trophy case of the school's main lobby.
What's next?
They get extra money for winning? The most valuable player gets his own trophy?
Or maybe we should just give them a big fucking truck, huh? I'm sorry. We're raising a bunch of pussies and it's pissing me off. Fucking pussies.
Okay, moving on to baseball. Should Chief Wahoo be a first ballot Hall of Famer? I think it's a clear yes.
He's been at the center of the Cleveland Indians franchise for decades through the good and the bad. Look, I know Chief Wahoo hasn't been part of a championship team in 70 years, but you gotta consider everything else he's done for the city and the Cleveland fans. He's an icon. And would you consider where he was in 1947 to where he is today?
It's a no brainer. Hell, I got a tattoo of Wahoo back on my shoulder. I'm not even an Indians fan. I just love the guy. Okay, punch your sweaty fingers into your phone and tell me what you think. Is Wahoo in or out? |
TheOnion | tough_season_week_one_panic_season_1_ep_3_brought_to_you_by_lenovo | What happened this week? What's with all the unselfish plays, huh? Look, I love you guys, I just, come on! I don't care if you get your NFL team into field goal territory! All that matters here are yards and touchdowns! Come on!
If this week is any indication, I'm going to lose every game this year by 11 points! Brad always flies into panic mode after his first loss. Last year, he dropped half the team to waivers to teach him a lesson. Probably going to change the name of the team again, too. A week one loss can really shake a fantasy owner up, but Brad always has a solution up his sleeve.
Danny! My man! You are so close to having the entire Bears offense. All you need is Matt Fortet. What? Shh! Hey, Michael, my man!
You were supposed to trade a few days ago. Did you see it? I did. So it's a holdup, Broseph.
With a clam-u shrimp hole. Tyler! This guy's the ultimate sleeper. He's on my team and I've never heard of him. You get all the credit when he turns out to be the next hot point maker. With trade whispers bouncing off the hallowed halls of Lenovo Stadium, morale begins to droop. I'm gonna check out my new tattoo.
Classic mistake, Alfred Morris. Well, that's supposed to mean Larry Fitzgerald. It means fantasy football is a business, Alfred Morris. Plain and simple. If you let yourself get attached, you're simply gonna get hurt. That's a bad attitude, Larry Fitzgerald. I've been in the league nine years and I've been traded over 300 times. And Brad changed the team name last night. Oh. Well, I still believe and I'm gonna keep believing Larry Fitzgerald.
Alfred Morris, I was just like you. I was just like you.
Unable to land a big trade fish in his team boat, Brad knows where to turn. Jack, baby, I lost this week and so did you.
I did? Oh, man! I wasn't even paying attention. It was bad.
But I think we can help each other. Your two starting running backs for my kicker, Ricky, somebody. Is this a good deal? Are you kidding me? The third best kicker in the league for the fifth best running back? And the eighth best running back? Wow! Well, maybe I should give you more. You gonna make it fair? Speaking of fantasy coach of the year, what about Brad Blevins and his amazing trade? Is this the deal of century or what? Adrian Peterson, Marshawn Lynch, AJ Green, Cam Newton, Jimmy Graham, and Dez Bryant for Mason Crosby off of It's Gus's Fault?
Actually, Brad's changed the name again. It's Brad's back baby now.
I did it!
It's a brand new season, baby! Hey, Sean. It's Mason Crosby. Hey, bud. You've been traded.
Yeah! You know what? You're all on the trading block, all right? Every single one of you. Yeah!
When Brad told us he was trading everybody, it was weird. He thought we'd be happy about it. It's like he only thought of us as numbers instead of living breathing people with feelings. But that's crazy. We're friends.
I'm gonna bring in a bunch of studs. It's gonna be great. I'm on top of the world! Yeah!
But no gravy train can run forever. It requires fuel made from gravy. And Brad's gravy fuel runs out when the fantasy commissioner immediately vetoes his trade.
Wildly unfair to the fans, to the players, and mostly to Jack, who I don't think understands football. You always have it out for my team. I don't mean to be a stickler. You're the ultimate stickler. All you do is stickle.
Oh.
I wonder who told the commissioner about the trade. I wonder if it was that strange guy called me.
Great. Just great. It's done.
Just go back to my old team. Hey guys. Big matchup this week. Have a fun workout. This team. Next time on Tough Season. This team! Yeah! We're on a winning streak, baby! I knew my boys could do it. |
dropout | expiration_dates_don_t_mean_what_you_think_adam_ruins_everything | What the... Eggs sell by yesterday? Orange juice best by two days ago? Yogurt used by last week?
Well, now I have to get rid of all this food. If I don't, someone could get sick. No, you don't. Best buy, used buy, sell buy.
Contrary to popular belief, none of these dates actually tells you when food stops being safe to eat. In fact, food can still be good way past the date on the label. According to food safety experts, eggs can be eaten three to five weeks past the sell-by date. Sell-by dates are a yum. And the USDA says canned and dried foods can be safe indefinitely. Oh, I won't go bad for years. And if food isn't handled properly, it can actually go bad before the date on the label. Even something as simple as leaving it out on the counter too long or setting your fridge at the wrong temperature can cut shelf life short.
It's so hot in here. I think I'm... I'm going bad. Oh, yay. At the end of the day, these dates just don't tell you that much. Instead, you need to check your food for signs of spoilage, like changes in smell, color, or texture. Oh, woof.
Okay, well then this milk is definitely bad. Nope, you can still drink me. Oh yeah, milk is a really neat exception. Even after it spoils, it's still totally safe to drink. Oh, stop, you're gonna get sick. Nope, milk is pasteurized, which means any harmful bacteria was removed long before it hit the shelves. Even though it might not taste great, the safety risks of drinking spoiled milk are virtually zero.
Adam, stop, I get it, I get it.
But if the date doesn't say when the food's safe to eat, why does the federal government put it there? Hate to break it to you, they don't. We all assume that these labels are some kind of big government safety regulation. But with the exception of baby food, the federal government actually doesn't require date labeling of any kind. The citizens of this great nation have the inalienable right to eat five-year-old mayonnaise if they want. For this is, oh, America. Instead, it's all left up to the states. And every state has their own rules. In fact, nine states have no date labeling regulations at all.
Well, who does put the dates on the food? Seems like they don't tell us anything at all. Oh no, they do tell you one thing, when the manufacturer thinks their food tastes the best. What? Here at Hulco, we use cutting edge food science to determine the exact best buy and use buy date at which our food is the most snack-tabulous.
Mm, that is still pretty good. Pretty good garbage, you mean? Dated, boys. But that food's not dangerous, and he just said it still tasted good. Not good enough.
We need our customers eating our food at maximum crunch-a-tude, or they might buy something else. And hey, if they think they have to throw it away sooner and buy more. But that's wasting food.
That's right, Melinda, and it's a major problem. Melinda, this is Dana Gunders.
She's a senior scientist at the Natural Resources Defense Council and a co-author of a major 2013 Harvard report detailing the massive problem with these dates. Americans trash over 160 billion pounds of perfectly good food every year. Roughly 40% of our food supply is thrown out. And these confusing dates are a huge factor. One survey found that 83% of Americans have prematurely thrown out food based on the sell-by date. But that date isn't even meant for consumers.
It just tells stores when to turn over their inventory. Wait, sell-by today? But I bought this today. Oh, well.
This is ridiculous. Someone should do something. Well, some leaders in the grocery industry are pushing for clearer, simpler labels, but until there's a nationally-mandated system, their recommendations are just voluntary. And the worst part is, we're trashing all this perfectly good food while millions are going hungry.
Whoa, that one's alive. All this has gotta go. I know, I'm so good. |
Wizards_with_Guns | an_insane_wizard_wants_to_be_your_president_and_he_s_pro_gun | Hi, I'm Magius warden of the obsidian gate crucible of the void star Masters in women's studies and the new presidential candidate for this year's election Low battery. Are you fucking serious? I mean, what am I paying you little twinks for anyway, you're not paying us You said you'd turn us inside out if we didn't help But I'm paying you and your right side outedness found the extra battery too late I got it There fully charged it's destroyed P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P What's your education plan But just keep the school separate, you know black. Oh blood fire any school of magic really Not really. A bird.
I want to be a president you can talk to. I want to be a president you can get a drink with. I want to be a president that's 20 feet tall, and has metal arms, and has wings made of fire. I'm going to legalize the McRib. I'm going to put a man on the sun by 2030. I'm going to have a second President's Day on December 25th.
That's Christmas. I'm going to cancel Christmas.
Okay, what's your stance on abortion? Kind of like... What the hell is that? You don't like it? Why? I want to change the national egg. I'm thinking snake. No? Shark.
If you make me president I'll become so powerful I'll never die. I promise to cut taxes. We're going to cut it right off the United States. It was a garbage state anyway and it was too close to Mexico. Separately, I do want all your money so I'm raising income Texas. Wow. Who wants a bagel? If you vote for me, I promise to make sure Abraham Lincoln stays dead.
What? If you don't, who knows what he'll do next? Let's talk about the real issues. Witch nipper-y. What? Broom rights. What?
Closing the moon door. It's not a moon.
And gun control. What could possibly be your stance on gun control? Simple. I have a gun. I'm in control. I have some slogans I want to try out.
Yeah, go ahead. It's not delivery. It's magis. Bring back the raisin. Last one. Abolish slavery. That's not gonna... What? You're pro-slavery? Oh, I just thought of another one. For the soul of America. Yeah, that's a good slogan. I'm gonna fight for your soul. Even better. I'm gonna fight you for your soul. No, go back. Give me your soul! Magis, if you're watching this, you're the president. What? You sacrificed Frank and Mitch. Huh? It was worth it. The American sun colonies are doing well.
And you finally started Frasier. Frank and Mitch, if you're watching this, you're dead. My first act as president will be to kill the vice president so no one can usurp my throne!
Those were the humble beginnings of God King Magis' 1,000 year reign. In other news, China too attacked West Korea's Triangulum Fortress.
And for those of you on The Sun, today's forecast won't surprise you. I don't know what that means. And I don't want to find out.
When I shit my pants, I feed the plants. Because I have no pants at all. |
SaturdayNightLive | new_cast_advice_snl | Being a new cast member at Snl, you get a lot of advice. advice from friends, family, veteran cast members, even Lauren. Lauren told me, don't do too much in the first couple of shows. let the audience discover you and get to know you. He told me to find writers who understand my voice. my odd, haunting voice. He told me to just be me, to trust my instincts from stand-up, and then I know how to handle an audience.
He was really sweet about it. See, this is all kind of crazy to hear, because on day one, Lauren pulled me into his office and said, molly, there's only one reason you're here.
I need you to kill Vladimir Putin. He gives me this gun and says, don't worry, the serial numbers have been scratched off. they'll never trace it back to us.
I'm like, us?
I told my friends, don't expect to see me in a bunch of sketches right away. Lauren said to really take my time. you know, maybe don't even write a sketch till Christmas. my uncle said, make sure to get an accountant and to watch him, because somebody will take my money. I told Lauren, please don't make me do this. I'd rather be doing sketches, because that's what I came here to do. And Lauren goes, everybody's done sketches, but you know what?
Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler never did?
Kill Vladimir Putin.
And I'm like, oh, do I tell my agents about this? David Spade called and said, congrats on your first update feature. we're both from Arizona, so that was really cool. I got flowers from Kristen Wiig.
I was like, that's insane. I can't even believe she knows who I am. I get a call middle of the night. it's former Secretary of State John Kerry. he says, Molly, I'm in Lawrence. can you be here in 10 minutes with your bags packed? I'm thinking, packed with what? you feel like you're part of a larger family all of a sudden. I saw my photo on the same wall as Eddie Murphy. I mean, that's crazy. I got recognized on the street after my first show. they did think I was Keenan, but it was still nice. So I get the Lawrence at 4 A.m.
John Kerry, Bill Gates, and weirdly, Kelly Ripa.
Lauren says, we can get you to Russia, but we can't promise we can get you out. And I really want to be on Snl, so I'm just like nodding my head and saying anything you say, sir.
And Kelly Ripa's really sweet. she's like, whatever happens, just know your family will be taken care of. And I'm like, is Kelly Ripa going to pay for my funeral?
I was working on a sketch this week, and Lauren said, don't rush into it. He said, even if I'm not in any sketches, for the first year or two, that's fine. I told Lauren I was working on a sketch from me and Molly, and he just kind of stared off into the distance and said, if we ever see Molly again, that ain't feel right.
I'm thrown into the back of a van. I hear a military guy scream, if she gets captured over there, she's on her own.
And I wanted to be like, it's actually like, it's actually they, not she, but it didn't seem like the right moment for the pronoun talk. Then we drive straight through the night at like 150 miles an hour, and I'm like, whoa! The hours at Snl really are crazy. we were texting each other the first week, like, good luck, break a leg. then Molly texted, I have to Kill. it's like, don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. you realize there's this whole community of people who work at Snl, and we're all just here to do comedy. except apparently Molly. the van screeches to a halt. they throw me onto a dock, rip off the hood, and I'm like, is this the Panama Canal?
Then a guy walks up in a safari hat and a white mustache. I swear to God, it was Lauren's twin brother.
And he says, suatala, ayah Islayah. then they drive away, and I go to call an Uber, but I can't use my phone because they burnt my fingerprints off. at the end of the day, you have to realize you're going to have good shows and bad shows. Last week I got on weekend update. this week I get to play Kanye West. you just have to enjoy the ride. Exactly. don't try to ride or pitch ideas. don't expect anyone to put you in sketches or give you a computer or an office or an Id so you can get inside the building. just kind of chill at home.
And it's even more exciting that there are four new cast members so we can all experience it together. Long story short, most of my first weekend at Snl was spent on connecting buses through Central America. But I made it back in time for the show, and right before the cold open started, Lauren came up to me and said, Molly, I'm really proud of you.
And just so you know, we never made cast members kill people. I thought that was really cool. Wait, so I didn't have to kill my Simon Bin Laden?
Damn. Well, now I got a taste for it.
Lauren said to really take my time. you know, maybe don't even write a sketch till Christmas. my uncle said make sure to get an accountant and to watch him because somebody will take my money. I told Lauren, please don't make me do this. I'd rather be doing sketches because that's what I came here to do. And Lauren goes, everybody's done sketches, but you know what?
Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler never did? kill Vladimir Putin.
And I'm like, oh, do I tell my agents about this? David Spade called and said, congrats on your first update feature. we're both from Arizona, so that was really cool. I got flowers from Kristen Wiig.
I was like, that's insane. I can't even believe she knows who I am. I get a call middle of the night. it's former Secretary of State, John Kerry. he says, Molly, I'm in Lawrence. can you be here in 10 minutes with your bags packed? I'm thinking packed with what? you feel like you're part of a larger family all of a sudden. I saw my photo on the same wall as Eddie Murphy. I mean, that's crazy. I got recognized on the street after my first show. they did think I was Keenan, but it was still nice.
So I get to Lawrence at 4 a.m. it's John Kerry, Bill Gates, and weirdly Kelly Ripa. Lawrence says, we can get you to Russia, but we can't promise we can get you out.
And I really want to be on Snl, so I'm just like nodding my head and saying anything you say, sir.
And Kelly Ripa's really sweet. she's like, whatever happens, just know your family will be taken care of. And I'm like, is Kelly Ripa going to pay for my funeral?
I was working on a sketch this week, and Lauren said, don't rush into it. He said, even if I'm not in any sketches, for the first year or two, that's fine. I told Lauren I was working on a sketch from me and Molly, and he just kind of stared off into the distance and said, if we ever see Molly again, that ain't feel right.
I'm thrown in the back of a van. I hear a military guy scream, if she gets captured over there, she's on her own.
And I wanted to be like, it's actually like, it's actually they, not she, It didn't seem like the right moment for the pronoun talk. Then we drive straight through the night at like 150 miles an hour, and I'm like, whoa! The hours at Snl really are crazy. we were texting each other the first week, like, good luck, break a leg, then Molly texted, I have to Kill. it's like, don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. you realize there's this whole community of people who work at Snl, and we're all just here to do comedy. except apparently Molly. And screeches to a halt. they throw me onto a dock, rip off the hood, and I'm like, is this the Panama Canal?
Then a guy walks up in a safari hat and a white mustache. I swear to God, it was Lauren's twin brother.
And he says, suatala, ayah es Leah. then they drive away, and I go to call an Uber, but I can't use my phone because they burnt my fingerprints off. at the end of the day, you have to realize you're going to have good shows and bad shows. Last week I got on weekend update. this week I get to play Kanye West. you just have to enjoy the ride. Exactly. don't try to ride or pitch ideas. don't expect anyone to put you in sketches or give you a computer or an office or an Id so you can get inside the building. just kind of chill at home. And it's even more exciting that there are four new cast members so we can all experience it together. long story short, most of my first weekend at Snl was spent on connecting buses through Central America. But I made it back in time for the show, and right before the cold open started, Lauren came up to me and said, molly, I'm really proud of you.
And just so you know, we never make cast members kill people.
I thought that was really cool. Wait, so I didn't have to kill myself, I've been lying? Damn. But now I got a taste for it. |
cracked | event_horizon_review_ft_jason_pargin_aka_don_t_you_space_walk_away_from_me_mister | Hello.
Uh, yeah, it used to be the executive editor at crack for 13 years Um, and now i'm coming back It's the equivalent of that guy who as an adult goes back to his old high school Where he was a big shot. I would say it's the equivalent of the event horizon reappearing around Neptune or uranus or whatever it is, whichever one is less sad as your uh Also, I will say of recent Tiktok fame Oh, yeah, i've had your stuff served to me quite a few times We could spend the entire episode talking about my venture into tiktok over the last six weeks that that's your That's you were left you left and entered a new dimension briefly. Now you've come back haunted by the algorithm Yeah, because i'm writing obviously here because i've written a book that's out right around now Nice. Oh this probably reversed in my camera It's good. If this book exists you're in the wrong universe It's another sequel to john dice at the end But you can start at this one if you don't have any idea what I just said there it's You will not be confused but I I found out that there's such a thing called book talk where all of the books are being sold on tiktok among book influencers. So uh Six weeks ago.
I finally was convinced by everyone telling me you've got to be on tiktok if if you and as i'm Extremely old I'm 86 and tiktok years Uh, there's no way that is a platform for 15 year old girls, and I think it shouldn't be on there I've heard that i've heard people Have outlined in their contracts for publication that they Are required to do some semblance of tiktok and or social media They didn't put it in my contract and if they had tried I probably would have just retired from from book writing But but no I went on there and then uh It and then immediately became a viral tiktok sensation My channel has over 10 million views on it And I have more I have something 16 000 or 17 000 followers as of this and over a million likes in the videos uh So you're doing dance challenges, right? It's entirely yeah in stunts and pranks on spandries at the shopping mall Uh, because you know, I just observed what the algorithm wanted so it's uh, so yeah, no, but it's It's very I did not realize everyone had gone to tiktok I didn't realize that's where all of the engagement was and all of the people who if it seems facebook and instagram are dead They're all on tiktok. It turns out and uh, I would say don't be afraid of it. But uh, you should be it's extremely alarming as any new social network is Because tiktok and again, I will not Spend the entire show talking about tiktok. I realize none of you tuned in to hear me talk about this But this is the one platform where you can't have someone help you run it Because it's got to be your face and your voice on every post It's you can't it's not twitter where you could just hire a ghost writer. Uh, the iron chic does whatever But just write jokes under your name And nobody will know it's it's no, this is tiktok's this is about your life your home Your your entire personality is up for judgment your your body your clothes your face Uh, and if you try to put anything else there their algorithm just varies it so it's no we demand you Personally your time your soul your energy All the time that is the ultimate manifestation of social networks So well, I was gonna say Jason I actually brought up your tiktok in a meeting recently to just to point out that um Because we're experiencing something similar. We're always struggling with snapchat, which is Literally the single most important video platform to the company at this point um, and as you can imagine i'm not the best at knowing what the 13 year olds on snapchat but We're finding a lot of success with people watching if you remember that series Um, it's the animated of course thing and um, it's doing really well And it's doing a lot better than the things where we're trying to be timelier and more trending and I was pointing to your tiktok as It's almost an anti tiktok in a lot of ways uh It's always you split with some video of a woman grooming a horse and it's an elaborate setup for a really terrible horse pun um, and I was saying that I think People are more used to varieties of things now. They're used to calmer They're willing to accept calmer weirder stuff than they may have been at the Outset of snapchat and tiktok.
I don't know if you're fine I mean for example on tiktok my longer posts do better than the short stuff You would think we think of tiktok as being 15 seconds of something stupid and then you move on Remind to do the best or two plus minutes, which is considered a long for Right. And again, this is me here selling a novel. That's 150 000 words long I'm trying to explain that well, actually my long-form content my 90 second tiktoks performed better than the short stuff Uh, you other rubes are putting out there And that's that's the same thing on snapchat It's uh, the the videos that are doing well are 12 minutes long as opposed to what snapchat keeps telling us The kids one is three minutes long. That's good.
Well sometimes Speaking of long things the ship from event horizon is so long Allie so long Explain that Sure, the film that we're here to talk about Real really simply the premise of the movie event horizon is that it is the year 2047 And a ship that was called the event horizon, uh disappeared and it has unexpectedly reappeared around uh Where was it? Neptune in the orbit of neptune And so there's another crew that is sent to go do a rescue mission slash a recon mission or there's anybody alive What happened? Is there any sign of what happened? Why don't we go on the on the ship and find out? And it is revealed or it is discovered that when the ship disappeared It didn't just fall into a black hole or go behind a planet.
It actually fully disappeared and ended a Interdimensional rift and went into a totally Different different demonic kind of dimension before reappearing and coming back. Um How did Yes, and um, and uh For whatever reason it's just a really quick funny thing on the so it starts in 2040 It disappeared in 24 2047 it reappears but on amazon the uh synopsis says 2046 is when it reappears and I don't know why that pissed me off so much because it's Not true How do you even get off by a year? It's it was just very inexplicable to me if you're gonna bother to put the year that it's in just watch the first 15 seconds. Yeah, isn't it a chiron right in the first thing it's the year 2040 Yeah, the year just so we're all clear Yeah, it's just it was very goofy.
But jason why in the world? This movie of all movies. Did we watch this? Why'd you make us watch it?
Well, I kept reading essays this year about event horizon Reconsidered this film that was a total disaster when it came out has Gone a cult following over the years and the reason everybody's talking about it Is because this is the 25th anniversary as was since 1997 when this came out the same year as titanic Uh, the only film that anybody remembers from that year Um, and so there was a lot of people event horizon reconsidered going back to look at it again And I by by the way one speaking of the year that the events take place This is one of those films that set long ago enough that it's kind of depressing because the opening crawl is 2015 the first permanent colony colony established on the moon 2020 mankind discovers faster than light travel. It's no none of that None of that's happened. Um So I thought this would be a good time to go back and watch it because this is a genre That came out in the I think was not invented by alien That alien was the first huge mega hit that established it as This is now a genre of movie you're going to see just groundhog day was not the first time loop movie It established that that's this is now a genre of movie. You're going to see every few years. So the concept of a horror genre film on a big spaceship Where the spaceship has a very impractical design where everything is very dark and often wet Right a lot of wetness on this Yeah, and it's very there's and this taking advantage of what alien establish which is that this is a great environment for Horror, you can create a lot of very enclosed spaces or big open ominous spaces it do whatever you want and the ship becomes kind of an obstacle course To run from and so alien was a slasher movie in space Of course aliens the sequel james cameron said this is just a vietnam movie in space So this concept of well, you can take any genre and put it in a big spaceship And it's instantly a little bit more awesome than what it would otherwise be an event horizon was the first haunted house in space So you get great lines the ship the spaceship is haunted Or I believe there's demons on the ship. So it should be a camp classic But I watching it again at my impression was Yeah, it probably should have been forgotten I feel a lot of cases and this is not to pull back the curtain But in our industry of content generation from the internet Sometimes you're it's just well Let's write the 25th anniversary will be a good excuse to write about this thing Because we just have to write something today it's We have to get started Our concept articles got to get done. Yeah, our strategy is all based around numerology So the I do feel it's this is interesting because one thing you'll notice about that genre of movie I've talked about and there have been many some of them set on submarine some of them set on space bases, but the whole There's you go to netflix. There's a bunch in recent years lower budget, you know, there's zombies on our space station on Very very few of them Are hits it is a very low hit rate so I think event horizon if nothing else it is a very interesting study and why The alien formula has been very difficult to recapture even in the alien franchise There were there's been many alien or alien versus predator films in and properties since the second one And all of them have either been box office disasters or critical disasters or whatever. It is a difficult formula to pull off so One thing that you just mentioned so you said aliens, uh, they referred to it as um a vietnam movie in space That's super intriguing because this movie felt to me especially because the ship that's going to save the event horizon is called the louis and clark felt this is like, uh to me it almost felt a Dyatlov pass sort of movie where there's uh, okay So there's this crazy disaster happening where nobody can see it But they but there are people that are sent to go try and help them out of this impossible jam And they encounter these unspeakable horrors that nobody thought even existed on this plane so it felt to me it was sort of a modern or futuristic retelling of a um, a colonial, uh sort of story interesting, I feel uh One of the things that really grabbed me about it. So I was reading on the I think it's interesting jason You're pointing out that it is a haunted House spaceship or whatever as opposed to alien which is just an otherworldly alien threat That's so apparently the original script was more that they're they they went on a thing and they came back and they had freaking aliens and um the the director, uh paul anderson but Not the good one. Um, he Uh, he rewrote it heavily because he was like, you know, what I think is cool is hell, uh, and I think that's way Different and so he wrote into this concept now, of course one of the characters says it's not hell. It's worse So that we don't so it's not literally just doom or whatever um, but it's just this I think that's what it makes it so a little bit difficult to connect with sometimes because it's Yeah, it's it's haunted.
But at no point. Do you really understand what the hell? what's going on or why or I mean, okay at one point they're the ship is alive They say that explicitly where they're basically the ship has come back alive. I just want to say I don't know.
I I expected this movie to be demolition man. I expected it to be kind of corny kind of Over I don't know why but based on the ratings and the fact that it was a cult classic I thought it was going to be kind of more a I don't know. I did not expect it to be quite so Serious, and I don't even mean serious in a bad way I just I didn't expect it to be not at all tongue-in-cheek and two movies. I really love Unironically are contact and poltergeist and this is the unholy child of contact and poltergeist Okay, so I really liked the movie and I don't mean ironically like, you know We don't have blockbusters anymore. we should go back to the 90s I watched the movie Liked the movie and then was like, oh no, was I supposed to have something snarky to say?
I kind of really liked that movie. That's right. I kind of really liked that movie.
I don't know what to say Yeah, and again, it has it definitely has its fans I guess with me when I watch it It feels They never completely landed on a premise and it feels this is a movie that probably needed a monster But for some background you mentioned the director we should probably explain how this got made this so this was made by The script is by someone who has no other script writing credits on imdb that I can find and then it was totally rewritten by paul ws anderson he is the director of after this The resident evil movies alien versus predator He made a monster hunter movie based on the video game that people didn't so kind of went on to have a career of game adaptation stuff that, but at the time this was made He was actually offered to make the x-men movie That would be made by brian singer and launched the current superhero craze that we have now he turned in retrospect one of the most influential movies ever made because it pivoted hollywood entirely to All superheroes all the time that was prior to that, you know, superhero movies were very hit in this You know and a lot of those properties were not eagerly sought after So there was almost a sliding doors type situation where paul ws anderson could have had one type of career But he wanted to make something r-rated And so this movie this was not just something he knocked off uh, you know Throw some gore in there. At least kids watch anything This was the case where he hollywood was rolling out the red carpet for him. He's like, no, I want to do something weird I'm going to do something extremely gory And that's that's his own vision. So he wrote that we wrote the script almost entirely Incidentally Back on the cracked forums We used to have this running joke that we would never explain where we acted paul ws anderson And paul thomas anderson were the same guys So every time a new alien versus predator 2 trailer would come out All of our comments would be it's so cool to see that a guy can go from something the phantom thread Which is more artsy and then do something more commercial this It's interesting how you can see his various sensibilities like, you know, he really Uh serves both audiences and we just never never explained what we're doing Probably no one else finds that funny except for us and the five people who were doing it um so but this was this film the filming of it was infamously disastrous because he shot a version that's two hours and 10 minutes long And the studio came to him And demanded re-edits because it was so incredibly gory That they were this is not going to be a commercial success and they were accounting on this to be a massive hit Because their big thing titanic got delayed Titanic supposed to be a summer release. It wound up getting pushed back to the holidays and they were scrambling So he had to edit this movie in three weeks or something, which if you've ever edited a feature film That can't be done And then they when they came in and saw the the cut he put together and there was so much gore And so much not just that would be difficult to get an r rating But it's this is just a turn off for audiences. So they hacked his version down to the Very svelte 88 minute version. We all watched and Part of the cult following of this film is a release to snyder cut type thing Because there are people who say you can see hints of what? Was probably a really effective and really disturbing horror movie And they made him cut so much out because he was trying to do a Clive Barker Vision of hell type thing full-on You know, this is a child covered in maggots the type thing in screening real actual and they made him cut it because it's too disturbing and then the footage they cut was not preserved properly It was lost forever So it can never be restored in a dvd release or anything that Which the studio probably would have loved to have done because that would have been excused, you know 10 years later 20 years later to make some more money. Yeah, yeah I read that the studio asked him to once they started once it started blowing up on dvd They went to him and they're hey, man. Um, you got all that stuff we told you to cut No, I don't sorry Yeah, you know but yeah, I honestly feel I would have been one of those release the snyder cut type people because I don't know whatever the premises of this appeals to me in some way or another I we were just talking about this and we were talking about what kind of horror movies I and and Uh, I paranormal things.
I haunted things. I there is a secret Portal type things I anything that sort of feels fantastical In its horror and this kind of scratched that itch for me because it is a space movie But the horror isn't oh the vastness of space It's we opened a portal to something we shouldn't have and now something is coming through that we we mere mortals cannot stop very fun, and so I really Was very I was very into the premise the the story, you know entree as and I agree that the execution is Patchy and that the script is not Universally across the board fantastic there are definitely parts of it that are better than others and there are some deaths that happen all of a sudden To characters you don't really care about and so I can see where this could have been a better movie I'm not trying to say my enjoyment of this was based on the knowledge that it's perfect and impregnable but it I still really liked what it kind of put on the platter and I would watch the 210 minute version of it I'm interested. I will say a couple of set pieces were really Really awesome. Yeah It's sort of I they had this weird thing going on where it felt the cg of the ship of the spinning Ball portal gate to hell was in I thought really held up and then they were just weird all the liquids were terrible um liquids Well, I think the stuff that other stuff is not cg I think that that excellent spinning thing and the that awesome that with the spikes on it their gravity drive, which is this Hilarious gothic hr giger design. Yeah Is a great piece of set design the whole ship, but I think you're seeing a difference between a physical model Oh, okay 97 era cgi because again people forget this was an era when You know movies drastic park their cg looks so good because it was Very sparingly used right and it was very used in darkness and in rain steven spieler was so smart with how he used the cg in drastic park because he knew how to hide it Right in here this is much smaller budget much tighter Schedule and you see that it's that era of cg where some of that stuff is almost Unwatchable because it's so it stands out It's because they they wanted the zero gravity stuff with how liquids and how fire stuff moves through zero gravity Right and the floating objects well, we'll just paint all those in now the other thing to be fair The people in 1997 were not watching this on a 4k high definition tv That's true. it's very possible that on celluloid at the time. It looked fine. And then how most people saw this on vhs Again 25 years ago was a long long time ago Um, and so most people that have seen this movie and in history have either seen it on cable tv or on vhs And again, those effects may have looked fine on an old crt monitor that kind of thing And it may only be now that you know, same thing if you go back and watch, you know restored high def cuts of by star star trek Um, the next generation you realize how those sets look kind of cheap. It's well, yeah, because 1986 era tv's or whatever They it didn't have to look that Yeah, that that makes a lot of sense I was just going to say one of the the set pieces in particular that stood out that I Was uh when he goes out of the airlock and they jumped and knock him back into the ship. I think I've mentioned this before a hundred times But my favorite thing about christopher no one as an action director or just the director in general is that he does a really good job of taking okay, if this weird premise Then this kind of action set piece so, you know Inception if a car flips and your dream starts flipping then we're going to fight in the hallway or or stuff that Tenet all the reverse car chases and stuff this And so I love when a director is we're in space What are the wacky things that you could do in space? That is sort of only really going to happen There and I this idea that I think it's lauren's lauren's fishburn is all right He's going to go out the airlock. I immediately have an idea I'm going to go jump and knock him back in that's their first thought instead of somebody say just hit the button again Just hit the button I also I the idea that I the idea that he's sitting there okay What can only happen in space? I got it the ghost of his dead wife is going to kill him Well, well, it's not across the board I will say I think the production design was Across the board fantastic. I love the way the ship looked. There's also kind of a weird thing where There's one later towards the end of the movie outside shot of event horizon and it Has a main part and then two little sort of antennas on the top and it Kind of looks a uterus and fallopian tubes I have no idea if that's sort of an intentional with the it's alive type thing.
I don't know. Whatever.
It's great It's very spooky and weird and hr. Yigiri and whatever but then also because of the year that it's made all the footages on cd roms and then when he's crawling through the innards of the ship. They're just big uh One of those called computer chip pieces and it's just it's so funny that Our imaginations can be so huge and yet they are still in some ways constrained by what we know about technology or What we tell audiences needs to not be so disbelievable that they can't get on board So it's well, hold on. I mean the ship is in space and it can traverse time But you know when we watch the dvd, it's just on it's on a cd rom like, you know We don't beam it into our brains or something stupid that. we start to pop a cd in I love that Right. Yeah, there were entire plots of sci-fi movies until 20 years ago based on the concept that wi-fi would never exist It's entirely that's we've got to get the disc out of the thing and we must carry it to the the thing Uh, and because I did just to move information just dragging it from that window into this window on the computer Was not a thing until very recently Yeah, but no that's Go ahead I just say it's it's a weird it's almost retro futurism But only by the circumstance of having been around for 25 years Well, I was just gonna say really quickly on the design I think the best idea was having lawrence fishburne's chair inexplicably hanging from the ceiling It's one of the weirdest designs i've ever because nobody else is and he's Shaking pretty hard and when he would turn it would go Are we going quick?
Yeah It was he wouldn't he wouldn't baffling but to leave the chair He wouldn't just stand up and walk away. He would wait for it to turn and then stand up so he could walk forward Yeah made him made him seem extremely lazy And by the way knowing what we know about, you know said design that chair Clearly turned because there's somebody standing on top of the For the bar just oh, yeah, they didn't build a motorized They just dubbed in the sound of the motor, but clearly that chair is just being turned by the stagehand up there I kept thinking all the time this chair pivoted, but no that set design is great I assume the people that built that all went on to have great careers anything else you can criticize about the movie That set the sets are spectacular. It is just perfect um And because it is they really leaned into This ship came back from hell, but it clearly was built a satanic cathedral already at the design stage it's and it's great it doesn't need to be explained It's no, we are on a clive barker ship um And yeah, and and it's they just leaned totally into it Yeah, if anything it's seen this is what I feel I would love to know As with everyone who's curious about what the rest of this movie looks that was lost if it didn't lean into the Not to make it extremely campy and goofy, but if it didn't lean even harder into No, this ship came back from hell and it's now possessed by a demon and and it it looks it looks it It looks at the design stage. Somebody should have said hey this thing is going to get haunted.
I'm telling you right now Just from the way it looks You know, I I know that a lot of what was cut is um, so we see snippets right of of hell or whatever so the rest of the crew being wrapped up with barbed wire being raped and horrible things and apparently Um, they he really I think that's where a lot of the the problems for the studio came They hired a bunch of uh, porn actors to have actual You know brutal sex with each other They did a lot of gore effects there and apparently when they were screening it people were passing out because it was so Disgusting and awful and then yeah, that's the footage of the the the crew that all passed away when the ship Yeah, yeah, they see their recordings later when they have visions of what of what happened to the yeah, it's it's right Because again at one point, uh Lawrence Fishburne's I know what it is. You went to hell and um, the scientist is no, it's actually it's it's worse and he has a bunch of flashes to whatever, um, but that was Significantly longer and I think a lot a lot less. Um Sporadically cut so that you couldn't hang on any one thing. Obviously, they hung on the guy with his eyeballs and stuff that But I think that whole scene Um, if you freeze a lot of the frames, it's it's distressing they hired a bunch of amputees for parts they wanted it to be as disturbing as possible and I was actually just really quickly on that it is funny that he you know, we're talking about how Hollywood kind of gave him a blank check and uh, he wanted to make something that was his own.
You know what movie Kicked all this off that made everybody love him. It was mortal combat the first mortal combat which is A terrible movie another movie. Yeah, why did that get him a blank check for whatever he wanted to do next of all movies So this movie not so much but he has an incredible gift at taking terrible Movies and making an obscene amount of money the resident evil movies because I I recently rewatched we know all of them right every single one of those is over a hundred million dollars some of them two three hundred more million just Uh, it's it's insane and I think you can make the argument that it's mostly based on the property probably but at the same time by the fifth resident evil movie surely people are If it was only terrible or they had nothing that they liked about it. They wouldn't go see it, but they just Kept freaking going so this guy has some sort of Gift, uh getting butts in seats or something and it's just funny that mortal combat kicks off He's i'm gonna be artistic now and i'm gonna make this freaking Horror space movie.
Anyway, it's just it's fascinating something that I did appreciate is that What I assumed the movie would be was alien Which is that we would at some point reveal that there was a monster and the monster was stalking them And then everyone would die one by one in some terrible way from the monster and then when they revealed that it wasn't that I was just Just very delighted. I I appreciated that. It was a haunted house movie poltergeist In space I was like, oh that's cool. I haven't I haven't seen that I'm interested to know what it is and yes, it was sloppy And yes, the tone is a little convoluted at times and I can tell that there's stuff on the cutting room table but just by virtue of it being A smash of two genres that I already and in an unexpected way I already was enjoying this more than I would enjoy Almost anything else that was yeah, then the monster Gets you this is hiding on the corner This is my genre this is a genre I kind of work in my books don't take place in space but the the concept of People are trying to be rational and scientific and logical when facing what's clearly a supernatural threat those movies the versions of this movie on netflix and all that there was even a a cloverfield A spin-off movie that took place in space. I've watched that one. Oh, yeah. I've watched all of these movies This is my favorite thing, especially when um, there's one from 2009 called pandorum Which is actually one of my stars dennis quaitch one of my favorite movies ever ever again guy wakes up in space due to hypersleep He's totally lost his memory.
Everybody else is dead.
There's signs of gore everywhere He has to solve the mystery of what happened is it is almost an event horizon reboot is actually produced by paul ws anderson Um, but it's superior in a lot of ways, but I watched all of these and that movie had Pandorum had what I wish this movie had more which is in space movies One of the things that makes them pleasurable to watch is what people now call competency porn the martian where it's watching smart people Effectively problem solve and this is star trek, right? And so pandorum these people that wake up they are it's not just screaming and running and oh my god It's it's the devil. It's They're trained Scientists you're not going to make it into space unless you know what you're doing alien was this too they're they're working class, but they are good at their jobs And the way they approach the problem makes sense. You to watch them work.
They're capable That's where this movie probably if it almost feels it doesn't have a second act because Horror is about pacing and horror a lot of times needs to be slow Because there's a slow realization as as what as occurs to you Well what happened and you uncover things and it's very difficult to write because you're trying to figure out how to dole out The information to the audience where this movie man, they show up on the the derelict event horizon ship And the first thing that happens is one of their crew gets sucked into hell through their gravity drive It's that. It's okay, that feels more uh Something that happens 60 minutes into the movie or something that But I don't don't know if that's paul w. Sanderson his sense of pacing is just no It's got to be a video game. Just boom boom boom It's moral combat or if this is a result of the cuts from by the studio because everything else about this It's a great premise It's got a you know a great setup the idea that the ship itself is basically haunted and is trying to Use the crew to serve it In hell or whatever i've never seen that it's all original I've that's not a plot i've seen before In taking the way people talk about you know, the house itself is haunted and it haunts the minds of the people who live there It's well, it's not except you add the horrors of space because with a haunted house movie The question is always why won't you just leave and just move to a different house just somebody will buy it um, and this adds the element of No, it's you can't you can't go anywhere you're in space Uh, so all of that is Yeah, yeah, um so here for example In in a haunted house movie any kind of supernatural movie One of the more most difficult things you deal with when you're writing it is trying to figure out At what point do the main characters accept? That we're dealing with a ghost or bigfoot or whatever supernatural thing The whole issue is is that your audience already knows it's A ghost or or whatever they know it's demons because they've seen the trailer They know so every minute that your main characters remain skeptical Is kind of wasted time And I think we've all seen a horror movie where 75 minutes into it There's still one of the protagonists well. I for one don't believe in vampires Right You've seen now six people explode when we stab them in the heart and when sunlight hit them it's why don't you just and it's it's it's one of my annoyances because It's I get it that in real life It would be very difficult if the four of us were attacked by vampires while trying to record this It would take us a long time to come around to the concept that vampires are real. I get it in a fictional movie So here I think it's 55 minutes in when Lawrence Fishburne has the conversation with uh, Sam Neill's character And Lawrence Fishburne is i'm pretty sure the ship has been to hell and back And the transition from we're trying to investigate what happened to the ship and its crew to okay, we're now fighting a demon It kind of happens across all at once. I know it's weird I don't feel this is where I feel it misses the extra time because I feel Hints should have been doled out more slowly and that would have made the ending scarier for me Because the people who got killed you know them more You know It's something that the alien pulled off so well the camaraderie with the crew and how much you got to them before That thing burst out of that guy's chest Um, and it and again, that's where I think it may just be the edit that was the problem I think there's hints of it in here We're the crew have nicknames for each other which sometimes to me in bad writing just seems see How could they not each other if they call it baby bear and mama bear?
I mean yeah, they have to be friends if you're calling this guy The funky spaceman exactly how would we ever know to call samuel funky spaceman if we weren't good friends? Um, which is again Could have been remnants of good writing but in it on its own feels bad, right? It feels bad writing I think that yeah, sorry. I was just gonna say jason.
I think that's that's a really good Point, um just in the sense that uh, you kind of want them to at some point come around so that they can I was actually just writing a uh Video script and one of the things that's annoying about um Some horror movies is is nobody ever bothers to come up with anything creative The thing I was talking about was how in in every horror thing now people have to google what the monster is You know, they're being attacked by they used to go to microfiche and now they go to google I know I I know it's it's a common thing, right? they're always in libraries being attacked by scary things But I think a great example of what you're even kind of talking about is in it follows At a certain point. It doesn't make any sense that an invisible sex monster is chasing them But they but they come up with strategies. They're whatever it's an invisible sex monster So they they come up with several different ways to say, you know, if invisible I mean at the very beginning of the movie the guy The guy has sex with her because he's i'd be chased by an invisible sex monster and he's he's I don't get it. I'm not going to try and explain it but Knowing how this is going down i'm going to work in that capacity. Um and and try and and solve this invisible sex monster problem that I Apparently have found myself dealing with and I and I think maybe that's So that's the Christopher Nolan thing It's well If if i'm gonna be in a dream fighting then here are the ways that I would solve that I I think That's the thing is I never got a grasp of All right. So you're being attacked by hell.
What do you do?
And it seems the main thing that they come up with is escape which blow it up Yeah, we'll blow it up which granted but also Talk about the impractical design of the ship. It's made to blow itself in half if anything goes wrong That's one of the weirdest ideas And why didn't it's hard to imagine the insurance company going along with it But then again Titanic which came out this year. There's a whole thing about They knew that ship could sink and they were going to get uh insurance money out of it So I don't know improbable things have happened They didn't load it with explosives that have a front half and a second half and it's Yeah, no, they just made the bottom of the ship a series of death traps I think that's the thing that I wanted from the movie to your point Jason. I think I think it's really valid which is Nobody really knows what they're doing other than trying to kind of get out of there and even those things We don't really have a capacity. It's oh, we got to weld the ship and it's like, yeah sure but there wasn't a lot of Not that it should be this but they're not maybe we should go to hell and it'll blow up the The capital or you know, not that it should be that involved But you wanted something some sort of progress smart people saying all right fine.
Okay, you you try coming up with a plan when you're being haunted by you're still alive, but estranged son Exactly your nude wife Yeah, you can think when you're a nude wife um, I do feel When you do see a horror movie that moves fast and is effective It is so exciting because it defies your expectations of horror movies to your point Jason of saying usually it's a dawning realization or the horror is a creeping thing and then suddenly we bang we get to You know two-thirds of the way to the movie and suddenly it's go time when it comes to conflict solving um We were just talking about barbarian which I will not say spoilers for in case people haven't seen it for this one But that's an example of a movie that is playing with structure So it has an extremely fast first third. The first act is Fast fast and the other one that I think is a good example is insidious Has have people seen insidious sure haven't actually okay. Do you mind if I spoil a little bit of insidious to talk about it?
Uh, that's a really good example of that question of well, if the move of the house is haunted Why not move that is exactly what happens. They move into the house. They see some creepy shit.
The family goes We've only been here for two weeks. I haven't even paid my first mortgage payment.
They move They move immediately the the answer the movie answers that question of just being if you were a smart family with a young Son and a baby wouldn't you move and they go? Yes, I would and they move and then what happens in the next house is that the haunt The haunting follows them and I won't spoil why in case you want to see the movie because it's very fun But it goes ahead and moves quickly and answers that question for you And so you as the audience member go, okay well everything that I just kind of pre-wrote in my head As uh, what would I do if I was the mom in this situation or if I was the writer of this movie What do I think is going to happen next? You immediately get it all just shut it's knocked off the table I think that's really fun. It's Anytime that you can kind of have that moment Uh as an audience member where you have to start back over at square one and the movie's totally ahead of you is such a fun gift um I have a quick question his wife samuel's wife wasn't on the ship, right?
No See, that's the thing.
I think she was long dead, too What I want maybe what I wanted from the movie I think was the reason that he was so adamant that this isn't hell that this is Science explained we have to stay is because his wife Got sucked into hell On the ship that's what I kept expecting some weird reveal that she's there Actually somewhere but but but haunted and dead or whatever. But for some reason I think I just got that so hung up that He I didn't understand why he gave so much of his shit other than that He was his science baby, but i'm like, yeah, if you really cared, why didn't you go on the ship in the first place? um, well the the ship was um Haunting all of them with visions of people they had wronged or let down in the past and had abandoned because it's and that's This is where It feels the bones of such a very smart Story, um, or again for those of you out there, there's people listening to this who love this movie That's I I see why I do see why because my my disappointment in it is not That the movie is terrible. I can name 10 things odds including Samuel L. Jackson's performance including the set design costume design So the concept of these people go into space by nature Their adventures and they've all left people behind they've all abandoned families in pursuit of a career in pursuit of whatever Caused them to join the space For sort of federation or whatever they call the organization here in the future So then when it starts taunting them with you know, these people need you and it's it's this is There this writer's conception of hell it's where your own guilt Is what invades your mind? And so the threat is is where other members of the crew have become possessed And start attacking each other rather than there just being a tentacle monster on board rather than whatever And that's all great stuff. that's all great haunted house stuff because again, it's the shining, right? You know, there's no monster the house is a monster, but it's what it does to the mind of the guy Jack Nicholson or you know, that of course was the character's name in the book Something with johnny it And it ties into all these themes of You'll obviously the shiniest metaphor for for alcoholism and and you know Abusive spouses and things that not being able to escape a marriage So here you've got room to have this to be a metaphor of you know These career driven military people or whatever the equivalent is, you know in the present um And all the people who they've left behind or there are suffering or have died or gotten sick or whatever and they weren't there for them and then you know, you've got so you've got all of these psychological and emotional themes that plays in but Talking about you said it seemed in the end they didn't It wasn't totally clear what the characters had to do or what they were trying to accomplish versus what the ship was trying to do Which I I guess ultimately it was just trying to take them back to hell and they were trying to not be taken back to hell with the ship The the climax the climactic fight is Lawrence Fishburne fighting around the spinny spike gravity tron thing with He he starts out fighting the Memory or ghost or manifestation of this crew member he left behind to burn alive Slowly in a ship because he couldn't get to him and that that haunts him. So he's having to fight This memory this guilt and the metaphor is great this is great screenwriting stuff But then part way through the fight the guy transforms Into Sam Neill's character who we had established as the antagonist prior to this because he's the designer of the ship Who at some point has become so thoroughly possessed that he's decided no actually it's good that this ship wants to go to hell that's i'm in favor of it. Let's do that um That was a change was made after test screenings originally the fight was just was just Lawrence Fishburne against this memory that had been haunting him and audiences were well, where's Sam Neill, it's well, he got blasted into space.
He's already dead.
It's yeah, he really pulled his eyeballs out What do you want from him? Yeah? No, we want him. We want him to fight the main bad guy. Why is he why do we care about this flaming?
Memory he's fighting. This is hallucination, isn't it? And it's well, I can see the writer saying no This is a metaphor for him fighting his own guilt to escape hell. He has to forgive himself And redeem to fight against this own memory that he blames himself from So the the hell that people put themselves into Is really their own Being unable to let go of things that actually weren't necessarily their fault and being able to move on So symbolize them being able to move on and the test audience is Now we just want to see the handsome guy. Yeah, can we just do it please? When is he going to fight the monster?
And so they had to redo it So it they added a line or same thing. I was Aha, it was me all along You didn't really think you could kill me. I have disguised myself as this memory Uh, and and then they have a fist fight, uh that ends with The ship and shockingly the checkoffs gun, uh, you know this weird this entire ship is just lined with explosives My favorite thing would have been if they had just never come into play Yeah, right They had just never just noticed it the final shot in the movie is just that's good thing Those never went off. Yeah, they're a disaster Whoever built that was a real freak the uh That's a that's actually it's interesting that that changed after test screenings. I wonder if It became really rushed because the sound effects during that That particular fight the very the part where he's fighting sandneel. He's so Goofy. Yeah a lot of this really flatty Odd sound effects that I didn't notice. It wasn't something that I noticed throughout So I wonder if that was one of those oh my god, we just got it We can't hire the sound guy again. We got to go to whatever stock sound No, you're right. And also some of the sound effects in the movie were actually very effective. There was a lot of bone crushing falling from great height sound effects that were very gory and very real and so I agree it was sort of weird when it was pack And it was oh, yeah, those don't feel in the world of the movie that we've set up so far.
Yeah Um, yeah, I think that's good. I actually think then maybe to emphasize that point even further jason.
They could have had I think So sam neil obviously does this but I wish there was a clearer So these are all people that have sacrificed their families for their career. I wish they were a little more dedicated to the job It really doesn't take very long for lawrence fishburn the captain the skipper to be now we're out.
Uh, There's nothing to save here. It's freaking me out. I don't it. We're getting out as soon as we can You know, I mean they they're pretty quick to be Our careers aren't worth it. Even though that's kind of the thing that's been set up We've sacrificed our crippled children and our naked wives But but i'm out.
Um well, for example, they um You know, of course, they they arrived at the vina horizon on their own Ship and so obviously you have to dispense with the ship that could take them home. So there's a point where Their own ship has been damaged and they're asking the crew okay You all now have to come on board the event horizon and they're like, we're not coming on there. That ship is haunted It's we're not going to come to your haunted ass We're staying here It's no you have to get off it It's there's a rupture in the hole or whatever you all we all have to pile on to the haunted We ought to get in the haunted ship uh They accept immediately that this is a ship. I don't want to be on it. The mission sucks and I don't want to be here But I to that point of what we were talking about competent people or smart people I do when people in movies act that way because if they don't There's a level of at least for me when i'm watching a horror movie if somebody acts so wildly away from my own instincts I actually lose a little bit of fear in the film because that human thing in my brain turns on of well Couldn't be me even if it's I think that simply couldn't be me because it doesn't exist because it's a hell demon from space you need in in to me a hallmark of good writing of horror movies is when People are forced to do things because there's truly no other recourse or you see them make a decision That's against their better interest because of blank reason And so they have to do the thing you wouldn't do and you can kind of in your own head go That'd be really scary if I was in that position because I don't know what I would do either I probably would have had to maybe I would have had to go up for the event horizon Even though I know it's haunted whatever it is that you choose I always those moments in movies, you know And that goes back to the original alien because that's a case where the entire premise And this violates some storytelling rules, right? the whole hero's journey and being drawn into the adventure the whole deal with alien is these people are not on a rescue ship They're not out there to save any they're they're heading home from a mining operation and they get woken up Because they're required by a space law to answer this beacon on this planet And they're not happy about it.
Right? Right.
It's not our job. We've been away from home for Years months, you know at this we're exhausted We want to get back we we want to get back. We want to get paid You know it and it's like, you know every minute space is miserable Every minute you spend on a spaceship sucks the food sucks everything about it, you know, it's probably cold and uncomfortable it's and so they're very grumpy And then suddenly get drawn in and and I think it actually winds up working very well because their unwillingness to go above and beyond And studying the alien or collecting or doing any things a scientist would do if they were there to find the alien Um, so here they tried to do the same thing where the crew there's only one person on the ship, which is sam neil Who knows why they're there? Because they're a salvage crew or whatever and the whole thing is you have that same scene those same scenes early where they're well Why do we? Why why us? Why are you like, why will you tell us why we're really here? Why do we care about and I That is a tricky thing when writing because sometimes a reluctant protagonist a group of protagonists can be annoying because it's I'm watching your movie and you're Complaining that you're in the movie Yeah Why are you why do you not think it's super cool that we're gonna this is the long lost event horizon Whoa, we're gonna solve the mystery of the event horizon and that element isn't really There and um, lonce fishburn is he it makes sense He would want to put the safety of his own crew above finding out why this ship is haunted. It's no my job we came here. We found it the we found the answer to what happened, which is a crew went crazy and they killed each other We're going home.
that's it. I don't care about any of this other stuff um, so you have the conflict with sam neil's character who wants them to pursue it or whatever um, but if it has a flaw, I do think it's there because it's They have multiple conversations about what they're supposed to do next and there's a whole lot of Him asking sam neil what happened and sam neil saying something to the effect of oh, there's no time to explain or I don't know What in this query does know? um, yeah But that's and then there's the other thing where to add urgency they add a ticking clock Because their their ship only has x amount of Is oxygen they're going to run out of And they say they've got 20 hours But then three scenes later, they're how much time we got left four hours Well, we all had 16 hours Yeah, did you guys go to sleep at some point? Yeah, they're well, he was in the bathroom for a long time Don't make fun of him Y'all have to wait for sam neil to get out of the bathroom I was going to say uh, Jason. I think that's also it's a it's a superhero trope these days where it's always Daredevil stop being daredevil. He's you're right. Maybe I shouldn't be daredevil and you're no You're going to be daredevil. We're all here to watch you be daredevil Those scenes aren't super fun as necessary as they may be to create stakes or whatever But it's that thing where they're they they are immediately wow the event horizon.
That's insane. That ship is gone That's a infamous thing. I don't want to deal with it. You're like, oh Yeah, that's funny Yeah, it's so funny.
It's it goes to show that A truly good horror movie that you can believe but isn't to a real world is threading such an unbelievably fine Yeah, the needle is so hard to thread it has to be People who aren't so brave and so stupid that they just walk in because you as the audience go well They're asking for it those idiots I don't care if a monster kills them but they can't be so reluctant that you don't get to have the fun of the thing and The monster has to have some justification or else it's just you know I guess it's hell or whatever but if it's too justified then you have too many questions and it's I don't know if there are other genres that have such an unbelievably Tricky little balancing act in order to truly please the audience and Quote unquote makes sense, but not too much sense. You can still be scared and ask the right kinds of questions. it's It is sort of a When I feel seeing a really good scary movie is a miracle, honestly It is harder to pull off than what anybody appreciates And I think one of my all-time favorite the plots being structured correctly is the original night of the living dead Where it has now you watch it. It's oh, these are all of the zombie movie tropes but When the characters because it's a bunch of people who don't know each other they're followed Landed in the same farmhouse because the dead are walking and attacking everybody And they have a series of conversations where it's that same conflict that when movies do it badly It's awful where you've got one character that's just the contrarian and they you know, and they refuse to believe anything or Whatever or they just needlessly refuse to go along or the their defeatist or whatever. It's there They're just add add conflict in here, it's so smartly written and everybody remembers this as well as the black and white zombie movie from The ancient days that if you watch it It is a spectacular example if I taught screenwriting and I would teach this movie and screenwriting class As these characters gather in this farmhouse and try to puzzle out what's happening And it's what is it tackiness?
Well, it appears they're recently dead. Okay.
Well, how strong are they? how do you how do you fight them and They argue about what they should do And everyone who argues is right Because there's no clearance. So one guy goes let's run there's a truck out back Let's make a run for it get in the truck and just drive zombies can't be everywhere Let's drive to the nearest and another character's we don't know if that truck starts. We don't know if it has gas We get out there and it doesn't start then we're dead because you know these These things we've watched one of them turn over a car they they can swarm you in a vehicle It's and so another guy's no Look this is a farmhouse.
There's windows everywhere. We don't have enough wood to board up all the windows Let's get down in the basement. Another character's you get in that basement. There's one door in there's one door out if they get through if they get through that door We're just trapped in there.
Everyone is justified in what they're saying Everyone is smart. Everyone is competent.
They bitterly disagree, but nobody is wrong And in the end of the movie, it actually turns out the guy that wanted to go to the basement was was correct But they don't do that because the other character no You got to leave yourself an exit in case in case they do swarm the place Then we can get to the truck and that'll be our last hope but we're going to try to barricade this best we can It that is key to it's a case where you can identify with everything everyone is saying There's nobody is there just to be the obstacle for everybody um and I think aliens does it well because The different soldiers have everyone has different agendas and The one guy who wants to study the aliens isn't wrong. It's an important new species and Sigourney Weaver's character is just no, but let's just bomb it from orbit Let's bomb it from a distance so we can't even watch how they die. Let's just Um, you know she and you're like, hey if I was in her situation, I would absolutely want to do the same I would not want to preserve this this species for study. I would want to exterminate them Because of what she had been through it makes perfect sense that that is Very difficult for I know because I have tried it Yeah, I feel a good a classic movie or book or anything along those lines is somebody's come up with a really good thought experiment or problem solving sort of scenario as opposed to ah, this is just a movie This is just going to be a series of tropes or whatever but when somebody's come up with a really good yeah, I said thought experiment and and the characters are there to argue Each approach to solving the problem. That's when you get a really good movie Yeah also, I enjoy in movies specifically and things that are horror tinged something an annihilation where Everybody is going into the mystery willingly, but they all hit their breaking point at different points because I feel that's also very Emotionally resonant and you can't be well logically I wouldn't be scared of that and it's well She's not you so she's scared of that I think that's also a good device and also Intriguing to watch and also emotional to watch because you sort of can't can't help but Put yourself in their shoes and be would this be my breaking point or would I make it to the next? obstacle Do what I mean? But all of those people are going in willingly Right, but annihilation hit a wall at some point is a great example of not bothering to explain Over explain the weirdness because it's these characters don't know what's going on So you the audience don't get to know either It there's no requirement that you have to spell it out You know with it follows which I consider to be a modern horror masterpiece That they never explained it I think in the hands of another writer director they would have pulled out the book and it's Oh, this is the ghost of yeah, right.
Sam Feeney an infamous sex sex offender from 1960s who was murdered by the townspeople and now he's Declared that from the afterlife he's going to hunt anyone who has sex is no the whole deal is they're they're struggling to find out why this thing does what it does and how it does what it does But they're just a bunch of kids, right? They're just a bunch of kids and you see them just Hanging around and looking at their phones.
It's There's a monster after you. It's what? What are we supposed to do because I've seen people talk about well the creature and that follows would be easy All you have to do is get on a plane fly to Japan It's these people don't have the money for a ticket to Japan Right, they don't have the papers to immigrate to Japan It's the entire thing that's scary is they're just regular people And they sit around and get bored because their lives when they're not being attacked by this monster are just kind of Just bored them that they don't have anything to do and they don't have interesting jobs And so yeah, they just hang out because and that's great because it's That's so scary. They don't have the resources to Do to go consult a demonologist or to bring in a professional or to go They just kind of hang out and and do and finally they just stage this You know this final confrontation with the thing And it's very clumsy what they try to do and their plan is kind of bad But it's have you ever worked on a group project with five other college kids? It's it's yeah It's they they did their best they tried to come to a consensus about based on what they had had observed and yeah Kind of actually one of my pet peeves is when people are how they choose to kill the monster is kind of stupid and i'm They're kind of stupid. None of them are like, you know, monster experts they're just doing what they have with what they have with where they live that's why it feels totally justified Yeah, that's why it chapter two is so great where they just bully the clown until it dies That was really fun.
Uh, if you guys have seen that But if we wanted to be very inspiring those they would have still been about 15 years old They would have been you're a dumb clown. Yeah big stupid face Why are you thin but still have a double chin and it's like, I don't know. Don't ask me that question Why are you mean 15 year old?
Yeah, you know, it's that's that's a movie where they do get they find the the great book of Whatever and they learn that the clowns are actually the thing from space and then they but they still settle on bullying it to death it's just kind of um it is so tricky to to Because I yeah, I think in general explaining is not is never going to be as fun as Then what how do we defeat it? How do we? operate in this thing how do we survive and that's the thing I think a lot of these movies a lot of horror movies spend a lot of time being What we think is fun is that sam neil knows that it's a wormhole to hell maybe But he's keeping it secret and you're just going to learn little bits of what the premise even is rather than saying somebody just is oh Well, if it's a wormhole to hell, here's how you would defeat it. that would have been really cool if somebody decides Yeah, I don't know you have to forgive yourself and the wormhole closes or something I mean that would probably be pretty lame, but something a little bit more thoughtful than Oh shit. Oh god Um, so that's all but I do agree that there are a lot of effective scenes effective moments I thought the the first 20 minutes. I was really on board with it I was like, this is a really cool idea and then it just sort of for me slipped away as I didn't really Understand or care what's going on? Yeah, let me give you an example that that great stunt we mentioned earlier where Lawrence Fishburne flies through space too because what's happening is a guy is trapped in this decompression chamber and if you're in there and decompresses the whole they've established it your eyeballs explode and The all your blood vessels pop and you die this horrific gruesome death, which I I feel there's some version where What happens to him is much more gruesome than what you see. Yeah, and then his eyes explode and there's there's zero g blood globules floating around that's a visual that sells a movie right that that the Iconic thing that you're supposed to stick with you That is that guy's eyes exploding in the vacuum chamber and then once fish when comes in and swoops in grabs the guy tackles him through the airlock and they shut the door right behind them and the consequence of that is What? That guy they they take that guy and put him into stasis because he's so horribly injured that he can't yeah They're just oh he's in the er now And then they just and that's it That's where he is at the end of the movie when they get back home that's okay, I guess that's nice that that guy instead of dying Will just live the rest of his life with burst blood vessels all over his body and and his brain probably has blood vessels That have exploded in there and he probably it's I guess I guess it's good that he at least is able to live out his life or as much of a normal life as possible, but We didn't know that guy It's it's not that was the thing he had to do to save the one guy who could operate the ship So that they can x y and z totally he just goes into cryo sleep for the rest of them It was a stunt that didn't affect the trajectory of the plot so that's where And again, maybe there's stuff cut.
I don't know But that's a good example of a case where we've got a cool scene in mind But in terms of you the viewer, you know, if you watch a movie jaws every tense thing that happens it is Perfectly clear what the consequences will be water starts coming into their boat. It's oh Water and boat boat sink shark in water It is you don't have to ask. Well, what's what's the consequence of water getting in the engine? Or what what is the what what problem does it cause it is crystal clear The urgency of why everything they're doing and why they're doing it and what they're trying to do And the kind of what it means that the thing they just tried to do failed That those floater things didn't slow down the shark and that it got away and they couldn't now see its location you know exactly what that means again I make it sound very simple It's very difficult to do in reality when executing that in movies So if there's cases in this movie where it's well a cool thing happened But or a scary scary thing happened we saw a child covered in maggots but what Did that cause to happen that and then now what's the consequences of?
And so it's the ticking clock is it to where the ship becomes uninhabitable will uninhabitable and we'll all die or is that the point to which the ship will return to hell and take us all back there It's a case where I think a little bit more work on it could have made it an actual classic, uh, that everybody remembers is being good um, but it came out at the time and and Boy, everybody hated it. It really it really was Surprised to read some of the reviews from the time slash like, you know retrospectively type reviews that are on you know, imdb and stuff not the Creme de la creme of reviews But just that's something I always look at first thing after we watch a movie for this podcast It's just what people feel about it And because i've kind of had a good time watching it again I'm, not trying to defend it as the world's most perfect movie But had a way better time watching it than I thought I was going to I was genuinely surprised by how people Seemed to detest the movie Um, I don't think it is detestable I think it's not great, but I don't know. It's it's really taking some big swings Jesse's got a hard out.
Um Before you go do you have any alternate titles for us or closing thoughts? I got you. Uh, uh the funky spaceman and uh space ghost I'm only closing thought Is that uh, I love that this demon is essentially a hermit crab who's just sort of crawling around its own universe its own dimension Just waiting for the right home to come by and then this perfect weaponized satanic cathedral pops into existence. He's yeah. All right, this is my place Okay, I gotta run thank you Jason.
Sorry No coming back we have jettisoned Jesse from the show He was possessed by a demon We had to get rid of him. It turned out he had Watched an entirely different movie and and he was very surprised to find it was Speaking of apparently there was a movie that came out directly after this movie called sphere That was basically this movie plot for plot based on a michael crichton novel There you go, but it it it had um, justin hoffman and samuel l jackson And it's very very very similar to this movie But also hated so people also hated people keep trying and again, as I said That's a tragedy for me.
This is my genre I would love nothing more than I this that's my favorite part of the doom the new doom video games Is that in the cutscenes when you have the scientists having to say things to each other like? uh, so We're we're at 26 demon Inhabitancy on this vessel I feel this yeah, we are we are we have 14 more battery until we the portal till hell will close And it's these experts who just accepted that this is uh, you know now hell is real place We accidentally opened a portal there. We just got to deal with it people. This is this is just this is just where we are right now And so they've got their memos and reports going around the office. It's re hell portal We are The portal levels have yeah The evil levels on this on the lower decks have now dropped at 32. We're happy to say Uh, if you find yourself having hallucinations about guilt you feel from your past, please report to a supervisor Yeah, it's probably a hell demon.
Yeah, if you see maggot children Yes again fill out the form don't just send an email saying you saw the vision We have a forum people you fill it out including the details so that we can we can file it away We cannot guarantee that if it is not submitted as a google doc, it will be read in a timely manner I love that. I I know this is this is Not true of everything but I quite frequently love when there's just the teensiest bit of bureaucracy attached to anything fantastical or sci-fi e I don't know why but i'm always just That that for that's my genre what you're saying of I wish it was done better That's mine that i'm always looking for and hoping it's done well where somebody's just exactly that where it's It is not enough to merely say the girl appeared to you in the television. You must fill out the google doc I mean that's what it is not a formal complaint.
That's what cabin in the woods does in in I mean in much more of a comedic way, but that's have you seen cabin in the woods? Yeah, that's one of the things that's great about that is the the horror of the cannibal family and then constantly cutting back to people in the room being oh I wanted the mermaid, you know, there's something fun about it's so horrifying to the people in the thing but it's so mundane to the people that have already accepted that they are The servants of a bloodthirsty god. Yeah, and that's you know, even just that idea that okay You know 6 000 years ago. We had to do it this way, but we've gotten very efficient Uh at surveying our bloodthirsty god there's that kind of thing is always really fun where You get both the people that are experienced in it for the first time and are terrified, but also the people Who hear whatever, you know, we just got to deal with it because we got to deal with it. Um, so This is I my incredibly unpopular opinion. I would have liked cabin in the woods more if it wasn't a comedy Because it was so campy and so goofy I think that that it's extremely scary the thought of that you're in that situation that there's this corporate or government bureaucracy elsewhere Where just watching you and waiting for it to play out because they've got this system in place And they know that everybody has to die except for one that the one person that remaining has to be a virgin or whatever And there's this cold detached because it's so similar to how Our real lives go that while there isn't there's an opioid epidemic somewhere There's just a bunch of executives on a boardroom saying hey in this one west virginia town.
We've sold 800 000 pills this week That's great.
The stock price has gone up three percent based on that Uh and that the absolute horror of these people's lives is just a sell on a spreadsheet elsewhere Um, I feel that could have been played straight and it would have been terrifying, but maybe maybe the idea is so over the top that it just has to be a little bit campy, but Belko experiment is a little bit of that too. That's that james gun. It's it's still also kind of funny But it's it's hunger games except that it's in an office building where they've brought everybody there.
I can't remember what the point is Or whatever, but I don't know The point is that you don't know that's that you don't know why you're doing it That's that's the whole it was also kind of the point of Oh my god, what was that movie? We just watched the mlight Shyamalan when we just watched Oh freaking old Old the old beat kind of old also. Yeah, right. Well a little bit a case where again, but that's that's where Not to spend not turn this into a podcast about old but that's a case where it didn't need that explanation But it was kind of what it ended up being of just being you're all just statistics on my spreadsheet Yeah, I can see why he thought that added a layer to it but there it's a case where I feel just the symbolism of Uh, you know time and and the horror of what time does to your body and we all agreed on exactly that when we were yeah, that's enough and the same thing with um You know any any Movie or book that has a time travel element into it and they get they dig so hard into how the time travel mechanics work It's well a time travel plot is just about regret It's just about going back and seeing what you could have done different or talking to your past self and And understanding them and the mechanics of it are never what's important and never what's interesting about it um and that's why I kind of didn't the way it was used in the avengers the the in-game movie because it almost became just A mechanic to do a clip show of your favorite hits from previous movies Uh, it's hey, remember when this happened. Let's go back. Let's go watch this from our previous movie. Um, I actually think So I was just gonna say just on time travel really quick I actually think and that's a very similar thing where it is to horror movies where the fun thing about it To me is how do you solve? the problem or how do you um So, you know in uh palm springs they have to accept that You know, whatever their day is looping over and over and over. So they just they figure it out They they sort of explain it they figured out it's science or whatever And then they blow themselves up and they fix it same thing with looper where it's All right. We're just having to accept that in the past they're cutting our legs off and it's happening in real time how do we Work in this new world that we found ourselves in and it's a little I mean in that one It's the classic bruce willis actually says I don't want to talk about time travel shit Um, so they they sort of breeze past that but what do you do argue with them?
you can't say no because he basically turns to the camera and says it's just a waste of time It doesn't it doesn't matter we've got this problem to solve That's what matters right now But anyway, the point of all this was getting into to what degree does it matter that you have to explain exactly what Is happening or or why Uh And I guess I guess my issue is with this movie I feel the parts that they cut were the smartest parts of it and that's probably not true that his probably is I think his goal was to make a Clive Barker movie was to make a hellraiser type movie And then it got watered down and I think in a movie that where the visuals are so far over the top I think a lot of this other stuff that distracted me probably wouldn't matter Because it would be accepted that this is a story about a group of people on a ship who descend into hell and and hell comes into the ship and they get visions of it and then they try to escape by Dealing with their inner demons or whatever Um, this is a movie that I would be Interested to see somebody try to reboot it. My whole thing is I think hollywood should not reboot hits I think they should reboot terrible movies. Yeah, this is why if I ran a studio, it would go broke within Within minutes of me running out because there'd be because I can name a hundred movies that I almost loved It's you know, um And it's like, you know, the devil's advocate I think would have potentially an all-time great movie, but i'm not sure I bought Keanu Reeves as an attorney I don't know that that was the perfect casting for that Uh for that role. So so here an event horizon reboot But I think what somebody would tell me is they've tried Jason everybody who has There's a video game called dead space It is straight up just event horizon to the point where the weapon He one of the weapons uses just that riveter bolt gun thing You see them then use as a weapon it's straight up the same did the design of the ship is the same the gothic spiky spaceship stuff It's all they there's it's basically event horizon the video game Um and that series after two games it it it also almost bankrupted their studio So it is a it is a very specific genre that I and I feel it's never been done perfectly but the lesson there is that It's really hard to make a movie Diddy movie anybody who watched alien and you're like, oh gosh, it's it's such a it's such a simple It's such a simple premise, you know, the unknown and you're in space and it's containing this claustrophobics gosh It see horror doesn't have to be complicated and i'm telling you In the execution it is unbelievably complicated All of the little things with the sound design and the dripping water that ship is so wet.
Why is the ship so wet? So wet Why are all these ships so wet this ship is sweaty? And it's it's tense. It has somehow it has to the tension that their ship is wet all the time And it's just you feel it's dark and drippy and there's chains hanging down from stuff And it all makes sense in alien because it's this a mining operation. It's dirty they've been out there This is all mining equipment. It's it's a filthy ship.
The people are dirty, you know it's it's kind of ragged and it's such a it's so masterful that seeing the probably Hundreds of movies and tv shows and games that have been made since then trying to play off that same aesthetic And not one out of a hundred pulls it off effectively including the ones that were set underwater in the aftermath of the the abyss which was Kind of you know encounter with aliens underwater. We can't go anywhere We're cut off from the top because there's a hurricane above us and all that stuff The abyss infamous disaster box office disaster and that's the same guy That's just you know It's uh, james cameron the same owner did aliens And then there was a bunch of abyss ripoffs called one called deep star six and there was a haunted submarine movie I can't even remember what it was called now at one point. There's someone says the line this submarine is haunted One of my favorite lines of summary has you can't remember the name of the movie But it's great any time you can say in your movie that has somebody says the line the submarine is haunted And they mean it you've made yourself a good you've made yourself a movie that jason will enjoy I love that I also there are moments in movies that have become corny because of their prevalence But when they're when they're good, they're still good You know what I mean when the person looks up from the computer and is we have a problem You know what? I mean that moment in a movie is so overdone that you can name a hundred and you can name a Hundred times that was bad too But when you've eventually land on the one where you're like, oh good one it still works these things still kind of Yeah You can't deny that certain things just kind of work Has we've not mentioned that before now has one of my favorite movie moments ever Which is when they finally decode the footage of the Of what happened to the crew and it's them having a an orgy of gore and blood and they're they're having sex violent group sex and tearing off limbs and tearing out their eyeballs And they bring Lawrence Fishburne in there because the character does the things I think you need to take a look at this Yeah Okay Once it watches this happen and watch this finally on the screen the previous crew having their their blood gore orgy He just turns it off says we're leaving He's just totally out of effect is like, okay I mean what else you get that's such a good moment because it's you can see yourself in that moment being well That's beyond my scope of my work.
I'm gonna go home. Yeah, whatever curiosity. I felt here has been Overpowered. Yeah. Yeah by that. Uh Somebody else can can be the the one to discover it. We are leaving.
Yeah On that point it's it's a different thing But I did notice uh, there are a couple of scenes where where shit's exploding in one part of the ship while people on the other Part of the ship are hey, jeff. Are you okay? jeff and they're one of the ipads with with Lawrence Fishburne's face is Flying around in the explosion, but he's still on it And I just thought it was it felt very practical effects to me they must have either they I you know glued a picture of Lawrence Fishburne to a tablet or There's actually a video file on there something and I just for whatever reason it distracted me because everything's so dark and explodey but his face well lit wherever he was it's It's because they it looks they very clearly blew shit up for real there were the explosions were I get the sense that they worked a lot with miniatures Yeah, they blew up models. That's how it used to be done. Yeah That's why it looks really good any almost anything that's still a miniature that's well lit and well sort of designed tends to Hold up really well Yeah, the uh, the the independence day white house that they blow up that's a miniature. That's they always say miniature I mean, it's 20 feet long, right? But it was it was actually filled with tiny furniture doll furniture Because they wanted tons of debris To blow out and here you can see it when they blow up spaceship. You see the debris It's that's that it's a model that's designed to be exploded, right? So it will explode in a satisfying way looks so much better than than uh, the equivalent cgi That they try to do a cgi at the time. It just I had uh, I yeah, I had uh, I actually think I think you edited this article jason But I was talking about that. There's that red faction gorilla game where when you blew stuff up There was things splinter and and bricks go everywhere, but most other games mercenaries It'll just there's an explosion and there's smoke and then it clears and there's the graphic of a destroyed building And that that feels what we often get in cg. It's the building's still there And then we just kind of put a cg version Of now it's dead or whatever or maybe we built a cg thing over ruins or something And we're just kind of obscuring or obfuscating our transition from one to the other As opposed to just being it's the end of the movie. We got to blow up our model Or when you see chunks of a of a sky skyscraper fall down, it feels they're all using the same software Because they all collapse in the same way It's oh they're using the same plug-in that i'm sure is extremely expensive very difficulties But the way the glass falls off it the way it's like, oh, this is This is an identical building collapse to the one we saw in transformers was one 2012 or the one we saw isn't it weird that you might not be able to put your finger on where you've seen it before But there's something in your brain that goes.
I don't believe this. I've seen this Do you know what I mean? it's almost it's kind of almost an incredible human response that you can be watching a movie about talking robots and go I don't believe the way this building fell because because you something in your brain goes i've seen this already I think they respect this from the tower falling in lord of the rings. You know what I mean? I think there's something amazing about that Weirdly, I think too. It's It's it's it's the the hard work of animating you can get photo realism and things I think i've been i've been seeing this in she-hulk where She's not doing anything. It looks incredible. But as soon as she walks you're like, uh, that's not how things walk I've never seen a eight foot tall green woman But I don't think she'd walk that way and I think you get a similar thing with transformers where you're I've never seen a robot make a heroic landing But it doesn't feel that's how the ground would react. You know what I mean? there's something You still have to animate things Well, and by that I only mean the physics of it you can get the The photo realism and all this stuff now, but then you're like, uh, it's not how things move We are very as animals. We are very hard to fool which is very interesting Because a good plot will immediately be sure totally demons They're real at least as long as I watch at least for the next two hours while I watch this movie I'm totally fooled. But the minute the ground doesn't quite Tilt the way you think it should based on your experience of living on the planet. You're like, hmm Ah, something's off there's something very interesting about that.
I wish we had a psychologist who could explain who could explain that but Well, it's kind of for example We mentioned aliens and aliens in the behind the scenes stuff He talked about how a lot of the alien costumes because the whole deal with aliens is obviously As you know from the title instead of one alien they have there's hundreds of them. They're fighting He's you would be shocked at how simple a lot of the alien costumes we used are Because when they go up into the tunnel and they see a bunch of aliens crawling toward them he's One thing we we know is the james cameron speaking. He's the human eye Only detects so many pixels of detail, but it detects movement very well Which is probably evolution because being able to detect the movement of a predator through grass and through trees That was more important than being able to detect what color the fur Was on the predator or what color its eyes were anything that? Just its movement signaled intention and danger So he's a lot of these aliens were crawling through there It's just a guy in black tights with the head And a thing on the arms or something as long as you could and then they're all crawling toward you And as long as you perceive those big shapes And then the big thing for him was the performance Because he's the stunt performers or the acrobats or whoever they use that are masters of doing movement and movie movements now those people would have the tennis ball strap to do them to them to do the mocap Then he's no it's all in the performance It's all in how these things move and they're crawling toward you with intentionality And they saw the actual detail of the costume not that important Well something transformers, you know You have these robots that have a hundred thousand moving parts In the cg because they say that in the behind the scenes features all little gears and stuff Yeah, I think it's all wasted. I think you you your eye doesn't know where to go on that thing because it's so busy And they think it's the opposite opposite of what James Cameron said that it's we'll know that the key is the detail Making sure there's tiny little scratches in the paint to sell it as solid And I think the movement is what sells something as being real and always that always will be true That's why I think so many of us would prefer that they did though She hopes would just just paint her green and let her just leave her that same size. Yeah And let it in let this wonderful actress let her performance sell the transformation because we watched the show called orphan black Which is what made her famous where she played And does it masterfully and end with perfect comic tiding timing and everything else let her perform as the hulk and just make her green But then again the people that love that show probably say what that's why we're able to enjoy it the cgi doesn't distract us because we she's so You know charismatic or whatever, but Yeah, I I think that makes a lot of sense I think that's why you know, andy circus has been sought after is even if the golem Or the the monkey cgi doesn't hold up In its photo realism in a way that it would now that we've got 4k as it was when lord of the rings actually released It the the performance feels real even avatar for that matter I I never even though, you know, it's not real. It obviously looks great but The way that they captured facial expressions and stuff Sold it a lot better to my brain than any Thing that I see now most of the time for fully cg characters The way that he whatever hooked all those cameras up to everybody's face or whatever It really does seem I think I think you're right.
Jason. It's The movement is always going to matter more than pixel depth.
Um, so I think it's really good Way to end something that we were barely talking about on the event horizon, uh, unless you guys have any I have only one two Observations i'm just going to throw out one is when he had his little shrine to his wife There were multiple duplicate photos, which I just thought was really funny that they uh, he's I really this one So I have a lot Yeah, he's so they they don't live in a future in which everyone has 50 000 photos of themselves on their phone I give an instant. Yeah, yeah But they didn't even he didn't even have 50 different photos of his wife in real life He had the same one if he went to you know, wherever one hour photo was can I get 10 copies of this? um And then the other one i'm sure it didn't invent it Is this one of the first movies to do the? explaining wormholes with the fold and the pencil stab Or I said way predated by that in the in the book version of sphere. I think That was in there. I there's no way this movie was first, but it is now the standard way you explain explain it Yeah, it's faster than light travel is you take a piece of paper and you go to point eight point Maybe but if you fold the paper, so you brought them together Uh, I just as soon as they were like, how is that even possible?
I was like, oh I know I know I'm as smart as a space scientist, right? Um, that was it for me. I just one off. So you guys have anything else you wanted to hit?
No And no, it's just other than if you somehow have never seen this movie. I do think it's worth watching. Um, sure and it's If nothing else to watch it see if you can identify what's what's missing in it.
It's got some kind of corny performances um in a way that it makes me think that they some of same Neil, I think he Was acting thinking it was going to be kind of a goofball movie a little bit, but everybody else was taking it seriously, but And also, I don't know I I still feel I mean, there's nothing wrong with the career paul w s anderson has had i'm not going to you know, say that he Shouldn't have devoted his life to making resident evil movies. That's that's his business. That's what he likes doing But at one time I think people saw this and thought oh that this is the mortal combat guy this is a much more You know, uh complicated and original movie that he's capable of doing something other than Mortal combat for the rest of his life and the instead is It's nope i'm gonna do video game adaptations. Yeah, i'm gonna make six resident evils I was actually gonna say just on the acting thing he actually said The edit needed more time and one of the things he cited was acting issues So maybe they even just took the wrong takes they're right that they didn't Yeah, they weren't using his favorite takes and a lot of because again now you could it'd be very easy to see Telling sam neil to do the scream in a goofy way and then do it in a you're really scared kind of way Or do it in a slasher i'm a victim of slash movie And real has so much of the so much of the writing gets finished in the editing bay people at home didn't know that That's you cannot overstate the degree to which The the films the the final stage of writing the film occurs in the edit Yeah, and it also doesn't help that what lawrence fishburne does in this movie Which is what he does so well Anyway, is a sort of grounded deadpanness and so in comparison to his performance Everybody looks a little goofy because he never goes too big over the top Uh, and so he's the guy who's so fully invested that the matrix is real and that there's a religion behind this computer program You just believe it.
Yeah, I guess sure if you tell me that I Whatever you say which is yeah, and then the perfect foil is kind of reeves who's like, I don't know anything man People just tell me and I just go along with it. Um, yeah, that's great. Um Cool so, uh, we got any Allie you got any alternate titles for us? I gotta be honest. I forgot. Oh my god. I'm sorry I really liked it I was sort of the more I a movie the less I think about alternate titles because i'm just sort of enjoying watching It and I don't think about Don't think about it. That's fair. Uh, jason. Did you have any? I co-friendly space ghost, uh, his his suggestion was so good.
I mean, I think it's very funny The issue is that with horror to be serious for a moment You can never have a title that Is too descriptive because here event horizon, you know That's the edge of a black hole or whatever This is space term. They named this ship that because it was going to try to go into It would create a black hole of its own with the whole thing um But there's already a movie called black hole Right, uh It's the hell hell hole all these all all of these are all of these are taken uh Whereas your movie your ghost movie is usually, you know called something You know, uh The shiny what are what is that? What does that even mean? Well, you know when you watch it that it it's it's a nonsense phrase and the whole idea is that you're you know or it Well, it can be anything. That's the idea It's it's uh, right.
It's extreme what it is extremely complicated. But uh We're going to leave it mysterious So what about dude? Where's my spaceship parentheses? It's been gone for seven years and fantasies Is that good? elegant Yeah in its simplicity. Um Yeah, well, I took a stab at anyway, I had um I had corpse sickle because at some point somebody mentioned say that Uh suck through the gateway Um, so you're explaining your your spoil you can't put spoilers in the title Sucked off through the gateway because of all the sex Yeah, then I guess this ship is fucked is probably too explanatory.
Um, I the baby bear and Don't you walk away on me mister because that's a line that Lawrence Fishburn delivers straight Again, he delivers everything so straight. It's kind of a superpower. don't you walk away on me?
Mr It's a sam neil and you're Sure What were we worried about the language at this point? i'm confused as He could say more than mister. I don't know if that's supposed to be Uh disparaging because he's actually a doctor or something. Oh, yeah He's uh, he's denigrating his position or something but Anyway, all right, that's pretty much it.
Um So for those this was probably a premiere again and not a live stream We're doing more of those because you know when we have guests they are not automatically free at 4 p.m on thursdays um So based on where we are, that's probably october. I have no idea what movie we're doing next But you can subscribe to the crack movie club on youtube apple podcast and all these other places and jason Where can we find you and your book specifically? you can find me on Really any social media platform despite searching my name as it appears probably on your screen here. Uh, i'm A tiktok and jason k parchin same on instagram I'm on twitter as something else, but you just put my name and you'll you'll find it Uh, the book i'm here promoting is Called if this book exists Yeah, we're in the Um, it's lime green.
You can't miss it. This is available anywhere books sold in any format If you've seen the movie john dies at the end Or read the books that movie was based on books if you didn't know that I realize some people have no idea who I am We're watching this right now Uh, I but that movie is based on a book that I wrote years ago. There's it is a series. They are Uh episodic it's not serialized So you can start with any of them if you are just curious and you only want it If you only want to start with the most expensive new one Yes Instead of going to a used bookstore and getting it one for 50 cents one of the previous three books and you want to start here Hey, that's fine Uh, really the more you pay for it the better off I am and the book industry in general And please if you can get it from an actual brick and mortar bookstore if you can find one Do that. I know you won't I know you're going to get it off amazon. I'm saying if If you somehow find yourself out out at a bookstore and you see this big lime green hardcover, uh on the shelf Go ahead and get it there. They will appreciate it more than amazon will Absolutely.
We i've read uh, i've read the first john dies at the end and the first What is the what would you call the series the? futuristic Violence in fancy suits. Is that the series? Yeah, there's the yeah, I they're the zoe the zoe ash books, I guess.
Okay But yeah, I have two. I have two two series Uh, there are if you and you can look at the reader reviews that are generally positive if you think we're lying to you Because of course, we're going to tell you it's good. I got it I have a financial invested interest and and you believe in telling you it's good. Yeah.
Yeah, but Good deal get the book Allie, where can we find you at miss alice nutting at all the places that a person could find a person don't have a tick tock Haven't been able to You know psych myself up for having to create content on a daily basis. So, you know, i'm just uh Extremely draining Yes, it really and to give of yourself It will ask a real person of your a real you is very difficult and It will give back almost nothing Yes, and what's so funny is I went to acting school and so actors love to talk about how hard it is to give of themselves and be present and in the moment and authentic and real And how you need time to recharge and you can't just turn it on on a dime and it's an art and a craft And then it's so funny to walk into this modern World where it's no you can do that any time Accessing you is you it's just fucking turn your camera on and it's it's so funny to me because I've gone for such a long time of just being sorry. I got to go home and protect the instrument I have to be myself tomorrow and that instead now it's um being yourself is actually extremely easy Just turn a camera on at any time and and what comes out of you will be gold. It's whoa You will be both are wrong personally competing for engagement with uh children who have been raised to do it with the camera since since age five, they have had a camera they've been performing for And uh, they don't know how to live any other way But that is the subject of a completely different and extremely depressing podcast episode Um Yeah, and speaking of i've given a lot of myself to this youtube channel. That's true Um can't deny that a lot of things that uh in retrospect probably weren't worth it.
Uh and speaking of Again, i'm just going to keep plugging it here because I know I know my bosses don't check Uh, I have a youtube channel and someday i'm gonna get all this contract stuff negotiated There will be something there. I may be fired in the meantime whoa I doubt my boss has watched an hour and 46 minutes into this to uh to fact check me or to Drop your social security number. No one's watching Yeah, so, um, you know Just it in case someday something ever happens because I know the people that watch this far into the movie podcast are only the Truly stupidly faithful.
Um, so, uh, we appreciate you.
Some of them are very bored Some of them are very bored. They left it on while they were doing the dishes and they're just They're not close to the device to turn it on a high percentage of them are indian viewers because of our r r r Podcast that we did not that long ago So we we actually cracked has a really large indian viewership in the past few months.
So Welcome You can find me on twitter at the underscore j underscore reading. Um, I also can be googled a few places I don't have a tiktok yet because again Legally, what am I allowed to do contracts?
Who knows and that's it we're gonna say goodbye. Um, so talk to you later. Thanks for watching If anyone is still anyone's watching |
cracked | hanging_out_with_my_brother_people_watching_season_2_episode_2 | Are you seriously blowing off your friends to watch Empire Strikes Back? Dude, this is the exact thing I keep telling you not to do. Hey, I at least made some friends that I can repeatedly cancel on, thanks to you bugging me. Baby steps, I'm trying. Well, you know what they say about trying. Do or do not, my friend.
I don't know, it's been a while and I just really want to finish watching this, I guess. Man, we must have watched this fucker 30 times over the years. Yeah, but at every age you watch a movie at, it's a different you watching it, you know? 30-something me has never seen this movie before. I can't have seen it because I don't ever remember being so rattled by it before.
I know. Luke was unknowingly dating his sister the whole time. Yeah, that too. And the whole going to the dark side of the forest thing, that's definitely a keeper. Anger being the easy way out, however you phrased it. Quicker, easier, more seductive. Yeah, yeah, it's definitely the most perfect metaphor that's ever emerged from a 40-bill billion dollar marketing franchise. Hm, can't argue that one.
What's bothering you though? You know I hate seeing you like this.
I don't know, it's the Obi-Wan stuff, to be honest, I never really thought about it when we were kids. Like, oh, he dies and then the forest magically lets him come back as a blue ghost thing or a voice or whatever, good times, but it's like you always said. Movies aren't real, so you don't need to analyze them like you'd analyze real events. Yeah, and I watch this movie now just as a metaphor and the whole thing just hits me in a different way. He dies in the previous movie, but then he's still around and I don't know, now it makes me think about what it actually means to be alive? What is life?
It's kind of like, I'm just gesturing with my hands here, I don't know. I don't know, maybe I don't actually have anything to say here. You know what I'm going to say, right? Yeah, you're going to say that the difference between silence and genius is self-doubt.
What are the odds of that, though? I know, I know, never tell you the odds.
Man, how'd you get so big eating food of this kind? I know, I'm working on that. I had a vegetable last week, I swear. Pizza is a vegetable, right? No, but cheeses do make one great.
Ugh, okay, so yeah. The meaning of life, the definition of life, anyway. We live in an interconnected society, right? The force flows through all things.
Man, did you make some visual aids? Well, you were always the creative one, but I figured I'd take some inspiration. Ah, I've taught you well. Well, you're still the master.
So anyway, we're all alive in and of ourselves, but so much of who we are is like how we relate to others, and how others see us, and how we see them, or something. Okay, damn it, this is why I made visual aids. Let's see. So like, the internet age, right? There are tons of people who have friends they've never physically met or even spoken to. They're just text on a screen. But they're alive. They're someone, even though to you, they mostly exist in your head. It already kind of requires a new definition of life.
See, I told you you weren't stupid. Okay. Well, do you remember that one time we thought Uncle Carl was dead? But it turned out to just be a poorly worded email? Yeah, that was a fun two hours. Yeah.
So we'd see him like two days a year, maybe. He basically existed as a feeling of someone being out there who's in your corner, and we mean the same to him. But even back then, I remember thinking, what actual difference was there that he was dead? And I don't mean that in a bad way. Like obviously, him being dead would make a difference to him personally, but from this distance, he'd be as alive as ever. He's a set of feelings and memories and advice. He's a hand on your shoulder, metaphorically speaking. He's never here, but he's alive, even when he's dead.
What is life? God, what is love would have been so much easier. Good segue, actually. So think of any song. Shit, even think of what is love.
Done and done. All right.
Now think, how many times have you actually heard the actual song? Three, maybe half a dozen? And yet, you've probably heard it in your head hundreds of times, songs, movies, whatever. You experience them once or a couple times, but then the majority of their existence is you remembering them. They live in your head, and you don't remember them perfectly, so maybe the details change?
Luke, I'm your father. Exactly.
Everyone remembers that line differently from how it is in the movie, so which is the real line? When they inevitably remake that movie 50 years from now, I bet the misremembered version will be the line in the script, because it lives so much larger. I would not take that bet, actually. So what is life? Something exists, but then it becomes connected to people, and it takes on a new existence. If they erased all the copies of that movie, we'd have to recreate it using collective memory, and we would.
And that's how stories used to exist anyway, the oral tradition, or whatever. And you could even say that about the storytellers. Oh, like the creator of Calvin or Hobbes. I knew you'd say that. You used to be obsessed with that comic.
So yeah, he makes art for years, and then he retires from public life. So to us in the audience, it feels like he's dead, because the art was how we knew him. It was how he was alive to us. But then on the other hand, if he was literally dead, and knock on wood, the work he created is still here, so it will permanently feel like he's still out there. It feels like he's dead, but he'll always feel alive.
What is life? If a stuffed tiger is alive in your mind, is it alive? Yeah, no kidding. And if a comic strip or a movie feels so authentic that you react to it with the same emotions you'd react to real things with, is it real? Do artists live forever if their work lives forever? Hey, look at Shakespeare. If he suddenly rose from the grave tomorrow, he'd be exactly as alive to me as he was last week, since I never meet him anyway. His purpose was to reach an audience, and he lives through his work and them, and that purpose is pretty limitless, so he's pretty immortal. So you're thinking that purpose is the key here?
Yeah, and then it's like, what if you aren't the most famous playwright in history? What if you just suck and have no influence on anyone? Could you then stop existing before you physically die? Say you're just a loser, and there comes the point where anything you've ever said has already been forgotten, but you're only like 45 or 30.
It's the opposite. You're physically still there. But if you died, it would make zero difference. You know that's not you, right? No. I don't know that.
Then you know I'm going to keep harassing you into believing in yourself and trusting that you don't suck if it's the last thing I do. Yeah, I know. I know you are. And there's so much you'd never need to tell me, because I know word for word what you'd say, and even when you're not in the room, it's like you're standing right next to me.
So what is life? Art feels real, and it hits you in the same way as reality. What is life? You lose an arm, and you can still feel it, and it hurts. What is life? We're connected to limbs and other people and everyone, and dying can only take your body away, and it can't take away the love and advice and opinions and the way people feel when they think about you, so what the fuck is life?
And I watch fucking Star Wars movies, and I look at old Ben Kenobi, and I see the story of someone who cares so much about what happens to this Luke kid that death can't silence him, and I can't get over that. Like, he's not literally there as a Luke ghost, it's just symbolic. For how his purpose meant he lived on, he wasn't physically present, but he may as well have been, because Luke knew exactly what he would say, and he tried to live up to it.
So much of who other people are is that space they occupy in your mind, and if we always need them, then they're always going to be alive. They say, hell is other people, but life is other people if you care about them enough. So that's what life is. It has to be. And I see all that stuff, and Empire Strikes Back, and it just rings true, I guess. I'm glad you pushed me to actually express this. It's stuff I think about a lot.
And I thought you hated those movies now. No, no, I just stay watching them by myself, even after all these years.
Yeah. Sorry, I know you hate me, dwelling on loss and such. You know I want to say something helpful, but it's just, I never had anyone die on me, so I never feel like I have the right to say anything. No, man, I bet I even know what you'd say. Then you know I'd probably at least say that I like your theory. And if someone can live on in others, it's hopefully as the knowledge that they cared about you enough for you to keep going without them. Yeah, I just, um, I hope you know that I care that much about you too. Search your feelings. You know it to be true. Dude, you think you'd be talking to me otherwise? Hey, your friends are here. Promise me you'll enjoy yourself, huh? Get drunk. Tell someone you love them. Eh, I promise. See you around? Always, man. I love you. I know. |
dropout | ufc_sidekick_tryouts_with_wilmer_valderrama | Alright, here we are, day one of auditions. Now, you're here to try out to become Master Bruce's sidekick, is that correct? Yup. I just got this invitation. You look familiar, aren't you? Here for the Twi-Outs, yup. Right.
What sort of close combat are you trained in? I do Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Chroma God. I've done a few movies. Fist of Fury 3 and 4. Muay Thai Kickboxing. Boxing. American Wrestling. Ninjitsu. On the fourth one, I was very featured, and the fight coordinator said, I was a natural. Some Mortal Kombat finishing.
And you're trained in it, are you? No. I mean, not technically.
Tell me about your belts. I've got a purple belt in Jiu-Jitsu. Two UFC belts. I've got a black belt in Kung Fu. Two WEC belts.
It's leather, and my stylist actually got it for me. I think it was $300. Alright, let's talk costumes. Excuse me. Would you be willing to wear this?
No. Don't be hasty. No.
You couldn't pay me enough to put that on. Would you be comfortable if the body armor had nipples on it?
Why? Honestly, no one knows. What if we made you heir to the fortune of an international business empire? So why do we need costumes again? Well, it's just what we do. Yeah, but why? Well, your foes will be wearing costumes too.
Like this one. Oh, wow. Yeah, now it makes complete sense. Gosh.
She's a bad guy? Well, technically a bad girl, but... I think I'm on her side.
I mean, I've never really taken a punch in the face, but... I mean, how bad could it be?
Well, my plan has worked perfectly. Now I have you right in my claws.
Holy catnips, Batman? Gadzooks, it's a cat suit. You must have cat scratch fever if you think you'll beat us. Seriously?
Pow. Pow? Why am I saying pow? Actually, you say that while you're throwing a punch. Try it. Pow.
Wham. Zuck. Thunk. Clunk. Bam. Suck.
Zonky. What the heck is zonky?
Well, it's a punching sound. Yeah, I don't think so. No, no, it is. When you punch a bloke, it goes zonky.
What is it about me that makes you unwilling to give me the respect that I deserve? You don't seem to understand.
There's a fight coming. A battle that will change this city forever.
We're still talking to MMA, right? No, I'm talking about Master Bruce and that masked psychopath. Oh, okay.
You call that a fight? Griffin versus Ortiz. No, that's a fight. Le versus Cote. No, that's a fight. Silva versus Sonin. No, no, those are fights.
You put me in any of those matches, I mean, you're going to get us on fireworks. While we're at it, we make it very clear.
I will fight someone before I leave here. I don't care if it's you. I will prove myself. Who wants to fight me? You want me to fight Wilmer Valderrama?
No. No, no. Yeah, I'll pass. I'm going to get my right. Ta-ba, ta-ba. |
SaturdayNightLive | inside_the_actor_s_studio_with_drew_barrymore_snl | When one thinks of the greatest all-time films made by mankind, in this century or in any other, one name keeps coming up again and again. and again and again. That, of course is the great cinematographer, Greg Toland. he cannot be here tonight because he is dead, but a face that we've surely filmed is here with us tonight. Please welcome the wonderful, incomparable Drew Barrymore. good to be here, it's so magical. in 1982, a film was produced, a film that made not a little amount of money, but in fact, a great deal of money. the film was E.t. the Extra-terrestrial. you played Gertie, the precocious child, who when she screamed at the E.t. sent a message out to the world, I am, I am here, I am now. If you haven't seen the scene where Drew screams at the E.t. go right now to a place where video tapes of film are sold or rented, and buy it, or rent it, and watch it. it is delightful. What was it like acting with the E.t. so many feelings, you know, like finger, ouch, the neck that's stretched, it's emotional. your family is truly Hollywood royalty, which is apparent when you announce to the world that your next project was to be Charlie's Angels, a television show which some have called the greatest show ever made by humans.
Why not a Barney Miller or a Starsky Hutch? Well, we did start out with Barney Miller, then during pre-production we discovered there were no women in the original cast.
Yes, marvellous, simply marvellous. you are delight. Oh, you are a delight too, it's so magical. In 1995, you do a film, a film which some call a chick flick, meaning a movie primarily intended for the opposite gender of myself. Yes. the film, of course, boys on the side, And on that film, you worked with the Whoopi Goldberg. what was that like? Magical. Whoopi was so funny, sometimes on the set she would say, no child, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, we will conclude our evening with the questionnaire. invented by the great Bernard Pivot of apostrophe, I'm Boulogne de Couture, Oh, oh, oh, I hurt my wrist, which has been asked of some of the finest minds of the 20th century.
What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt? Um, a knifemaker. What profession would you absolutely not like to participate in? Um, I wouldn't want to burn monkeys. nor they you.
And finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive? Um, hey, Drew Barrymore, you have treated people with such care, tender care and kindness, You smell like flowers. Drew Barrymore, you are a delight.
Thank you. son of a beast, a gal. Thank you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Success_State_Of_Origin_Sabotaged_A_Confused_Backpacker_More_June_11 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Bullet and unfortunately Errol's not here to join us, he's still chasing stories up north in Baduri Council so today you've just got my self-clancy overall editor of the Batutah Advocate Anne Wendell Hussey the news reader, the cadet, the field reporter, how are you Wendell?
Yeah really good Clancy how are you?
Mate not too bad at all, it's been a cold front right across the eastern seaboard and further west out here but yeah thankfully the snow has taken a hike Yeah it's certainly eased up and you mentioned Errol's away doing some reporting I look forward to seeing the five-page spread he pitches in the weekend edition next week about the dangers of vaccine, it'll certainly be an interesting story he's going to try and get up I reckon That's not going to get a start that's for sure Alright well we'll get into the news with some political staff and the Prime Minister has hosted a one-hour press conference earlier this week taking credit for the AFP bikesting he found out about the day before Yes the Prime Minister got on the front foot to wrangle the national political narrative with Victoria going through its second week of lockdown and everyone outside of Byron, Yamundi and Sydney's low and all shore asking questions about where the fuck their vaccines are Scott Morrison appeared to let everyone know that he's defeated crime That's right Operation Ironside the largest ever sting in Australia brought down hundreds of criminals and ensured that the children are safe on our streets of course lots of people asked the PM how he could be across this international operation but not aware of the alleged sexual assaults that occur inside his building but like questions on vaccines Scotty wasn't answering any of those Some other national news now and allegations have emerged that the Victorian court with the St Kilda sneeze in Queensland was on a kamikaze trip to ruin origin Yes the rest of the nation looked on in horror this week as it was revealed that a COVID positive Melbourne fugitive decided to go on a multi-state trip pulling into regional towns like Moree and Dubbo to spread coronavirus on the way Obviously questions were asked about why they thought it was a good idea to stop in at every town on the way but authorities have now revealed that the couple were trying to ruin origin and the holidays of people north of the Victorian border Yes but they didn't quite get to origin which is obviously a huge relief we're nervously waiting on thousands of results from these regional pop-up centres To be honest Wendell I would have really appreciated if they made it up to origin had the whole fucking thing shut down Would have been a better result for the state of Queensland Now an Irish backpacker in Bondi has spoken out wondering why 90 million dollars wasn't spent torturing him over an expired visa as well Now this story was written about a 23 year old Irish man Colm Waterford down in little Dublin in Sydney's east Yes working in construction the labourer revealed to the advocate that he actually spent six months here illegally but no one asked him any questions So he was asking us why that little family from Billa Wheeler have been locked up for years costing the taxpayer four or five brand new schools and he hadn't been contacted by home affairs once I wonder why that is Wendell should we ask any more questions Yeah really curious maybe it's got something to do with the colour of his skin maybe something to do with his religion I don't know but you know it wasn't long ago the Catholics were being turned away as well Moving on now and Western culture has made a seamless transition back to everyone being addicted to nicotine again Well it's starting to be generally accepted that the days of ashtrays and cafes and offices full of smoke are in the past The anti-smoking movement has taken a real blow over the last few months with the rise of these cute little pieces of colourful steel and plastic Nicotine addiction never tasted so good It seems like the emergence of these disposable vapes with delicious Asian flavours like watermelon and lychee appears to have undermined close to 50 years worth of health experts warnings and campaigns aimed at tapering the prevalence of smoking in Western media and culture more generally Yes it's good news for random convenience stores and newsagents at least Yeah and we'll round out the week with some sports news now and the entire state of Queensland has said right where we want yous after that 50-6 hiding up in the Ville Yes that's right the bandwagon cockroaches south of the Tweed are carrying on this week like they've wrapped up the origin series Yeah very similar to the way they wrapped up the origin series last year before it even kicked off Exactly and so while they enjoy their flukey win up in Townsville the people of Queensland have let out a few chuckles and nods fully aware of what's happening when the blues come up to Suncorp in a couple weeks time it's going to be an ambush underdog status is activated and I would be very very afraid if I was wearing sky blue over the next couple months Oh look it's been a tough couple of decades for New South Wales fans so I guess you can't blame them for celebrating a rare win They just don't get origin They just don't get the whole concept of it you know They just don't get it Looking forward to that match at Lang Park in a couple of weeks time Bring it on That's all we've got for you in our Weekly News Wrap Have a great weekend and we'll be back in on Monday I wonder why that is Wendell Should we ask any more questions?
Yeah really curious Maybe it's got something to do with the colour of his skin Maybe something to do with his religion I don't know but uh you know It wasn't long ago the Catholics were being turned away as well Moving on now and Western culture has made a seamless transition back to everyone being addicted to nicotine again Well it's starting to be generally accepted that the days of ashtrays and cafes and offices full of smoke are in the past The anti-smoking movement has taken a real blow over the last few months with the rise of these cute little pieces of colourful steel and plastic Nicotine addiction never tasted so good It seems like the emergence of these disposable vapes with delicious Asian flavours like watermelon and lychee appears to have undermined close to 50 years worth of health experts warnings and campaigns aimed at tapering the prevalence of smoking in Western media and culture more generally Yes it's good news for random convenience stores and news agents at least Yeah and we'll round out the week with some sports news now and the entire state of Queensland has said right where we want yous after that 50 to 60 hiding up in the ville Yes that's right the bandwagon cockroaches south of the tweed are carrying on this week like they've wrapped up the origin series Yeah very similar to the way they wrapped up the origin series last year before it even kicked off Exactly And so while they enjoy their fluky win up in Townsville the people of Queensland have let out a few chuckles and nods fully aware of what's happening when the blues come up to Suncorp in a couple weeks time it's going to be an ambush underdog status is activated and I would be very very afraid if I was wearing sky blue over the next couple months Oh look it's been a tough couple of decades for New South Wales fans so I guess you can't blame them for celebrating a rare win They just don't get origin They just don't get the whole concept of it you know They just don't get it They don't get it Looking forward to that match at Lang Park in a couple of weeks time Bring it on That's all we've got for you in our weekly news wrap Have a great weekend We'll be back in on Monday |
dropout | hardly_working_basketball_phone | Hey, everyone. Gather around my desk. I have some really important information about the future of everyone's jobs. Come on, it's serious. Everybody.
What's going on? Are we in trouble?
Actually, I wanted to show you guys something. My Michael Jordan basketball phone! Jesus.
So, our jobs are fine. It's better than fine. It's great.
That's only one love. Oh, my God. You guys are so lucky.
You're here to witness my first ever Michael Jordan basketball phone call. Hello? Why, yes, this is Mr. Klein. Probably because of the basketball phone.
Okay. Well, thanks for telling me. You have a great day. Bye-bye. Guys, first ever phone call.
Swash! Bam! Two points!
Congratulations. I guess. Yeah.
Who was it, by the way? Some guy told me he was going to shut off my electricity at the end of the month.
Geez, I'm sorry. Sorry because my phone's so awesome? No, sorry because he...
Hey, guys, check it out. I'm former Bulls legend, Judd Buschler. Buschler for two.
Why are you so happy? You just got bad news. Yeah.
On a basketball phone. One, two, three, four. Bad news on a basketball phone.
I'm breaking up with you.
Cool. The results came back positive. All right.
The increased rates of carbon monoxide in the Earth's atmosphere will make the planet unsustainable by 2034.
Bad news on a basketball phone. Right on. I love you, basketball phone. Jumper's not available on the ring. Damn it. That's okay. I'm on a basketball phone.
DK, we need to talk. We've been standing here during all the phone calls you've been getting. Wait. All that stuff with me on the phone didn't happen over the course of the day? No, no. That was real time. Yeah, it was super weird.
Listen, we're happy that you like your basketball phone so much. But you need to start taking the bad news you're getting seriously. Guys, there is no news bad enough that could possibly make me upset while talking on the Michael Jordan basketball phone. And I'm going to prove it to you with the next phone call. I mean, it might just take a second for someone to actually call.
Mm-hmm. So how's your first few weeks been here, Dan? It's pretty good, you know, just trying to get settled into... Oh, here we go.
Okay, okay, okay. Thank you. Oh, my gosh.
Listen, we're really sorry, but I do hope you learned a lesson here. I did learn a lesson. You guys are suckers. That wasn't sports illustrated.
Oh, no!
Oh, yeah. Who was it? It was for you, Dan. Yeah, you can't have children. Oh, Christ, I'm sorry, man.
Yeah, actually, I've been getting, like, a ton of calls from Dan's urologist for some reason. I feel like the lines are crossed.
Think you could take a look at that? Yeah, sure, after lunch, what he said.
Right next to the Michael Jordan basketball phone. Basketball phone, Judd Buesler. In the house! |
dropout | all_nighter_09_spooning | I think I'm gonna go take a shit. Don't tell Amir. I promise. Where's Dan Gerwich? He said he had to take a shit. Why did you tell Amir I was taking a shit? He attacked me with a playground ball.
I know. I live with it every day. I'm sorry. I'm sure Dan's gonna forgive you one day. Yeah, but first they need to forgive themselves. Alright.
Who wants to see Star Trek? I'm not really into the sci-fi thing, you know? That's what you said about Battlestar Galactica, and you love that. Battlestar's totally different. It's like Lost in Space. Oh, I love Lost in Space. No, like the TV show Lost Set in Space. I get it. I was just saying I love Land of the Lost in Spaceballs.
This is the problem. You never, ever listen. I know I have a lot to work on, but we both need to make sacrifices. Oh, you mean like giving up your dream of becoming a trial lawyer? I think when Dan and Rosie work things out, they'll realize that love actually is all around. Wait. You're quoting Love Actually? I'm sorry.
That movie is for pussies. Oh, that's what you said about Two Weeks Notice, and you left the theater in tears. You want to cry watching a movie you and me should watch 28 Days Later. Oh, I love 28 Days Later. No, he means like 28 Days the Sandra Bullock movie later tonight.
One thing's for sure. Sandra Bullock would make one hot zombie.
You're totally missing the point. I'm sorry. We can all be perfect like you, Dan. Hey, your hyperboles aren't working. Guys, cool your jets. When you're a jet, you're a jet of the way.
I hate musicals. That's what you said about Wicked, and you ended up starring in the national touring production. You guys are always fighting.
It's like Harold and Maude meets Sally Jessie Raphael. Oh, I love when Harry met Sally.
What? Why would you even say that? Rosie told me. Why would he tell Amir I was taking a shit? He had tied me with a playground ball. I know. I think about it every day. I'm sorry. |
TheOnion | GOP_Introduces_New_Mystery_Candidate_With_Paper_Bag_Over_Head | We're only a year away from the 2012 elections, but the GOP is still looking for a clear front-runner in their race for the White House. That's why today Republicans announced a new mystery candidate whose identity will be kept secret until he, or she, is elected president. With polls showing low voter enthusiasm for the current GOP candidates, Republican leaders are hoping the mystery candidate will be able to stir up the excitement they need to win in 2012. If you're one of the current profit candidates, not for you, well just close your eyes and embrace the mystery! You know, it could be Sarah Palin, or Jeb Bush, or someone much more qualified you've never heard of. Just remember, if Barack Obama wins a second term, you'll never know who your president could have been. According to the GOP, the mystery candidate has all sorts of plans for fixing the economy. Plans that will remain under wraps unless he is elected in November 2012.
Inside this silver briefcase is the answer to the nation's economic troubles. If the mystery candidate is not elected, he will board a plane taking the briefcase out of the country forever.
Now you don't want that, do you?
President Obama's re-election campaign attempted to do damage control a few hours ago by pitching Joe Biden as an even bigger wild card. No matter what anyone says, Joe Biden is the original mystery man. No one knows what he's thinking, no one knows what he'll do next. This isn't the first time the GOP has introduced a flashy new 2012 hopeful.
In March, they attempted to stir up support in traditional red states by running Robosaurus, the mechanized car-eating dinosaur. But Robosaurus was rejected by the party faithful after he announced his pro-choice stance.
Back to you, Brooke. |
ClickHole | this_teen_has_an_inspiring_message_for_his_bully_then_gets_owned_by_the_bully_s_convincing_rebuttal | I don't know. You guys gettin' this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was disgusting. What are you gonna do, cry, Ethan? God, you're such a loser.
We're all your friends, nerd. That's enough! Ooh. I've had enough, Austin! Just because you're bigger than me doesn't mean you get to make me feel like crap every single day! You don't have a right! Oh, shit.
We're all just pawns, Ethan. Signposts of an empty field. The power structures that permeate our every interaction operate independently of agency. To the vacuum of power, there is no Ethan or Austin. We're just disposable shells, waiting for manipulation. As Michelle Fu co-writes, the individual with his identity and characteristics is a product of the relation of power, exercised over bodies, multiplicities, movements, desires, and forces. |
dropout | alfie_the_horny_halfling | Hello everyone, welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. You can listen to us wherever you listen to podcasts. You can watch us on CH2 a couple weeks later than you can on our favorite place to check us out, which is on Dropout. If you subscribe to Dropout, you can be the first to hear not only this podcast, you can watch all of our podcasts, Tales from the Closet, Tales from the Clogs, the College Humor podcast. We also have great shows, Total Forgiveness is maybe over by now by the time you're watching this, but go back and watch it all again. We got Rank Room, lots of fun things on there, and plus with Dropout, you can be a part of the Discord, which we love in Erotic Book Club because it really makes it feel like you guys are a part of our book club.
We have some of our favorite moments. You guys were really into my glasses rant. I loved it. Shared by Lumberjack. Some huge love for just standing up for all glasses wearers everywhere, so thank you. Thank you, yes, yes, Teo included. We had some pitches for Mr. Vegetable Erotic Fiction. I don't hate it. I am truly in love with Mr. Vegetable. If I had a storyline at College Humor where we kind of met and dated in the background of videos, I would be very happy.
We also had some bear facts in there. Oh my god, yeah. We had some definitive or not definitive answers on what to do if you find a bear, so if you subscribe to Dropout, you can find out what to do if you ever encounter a bear, and if you don't, you could get killed. It was very funny because we got two people who felt very sure that they were right with totally different answers, so it is just like you are sitting here with us. It's sort of subjective, like what you do when you see a bear, it's kind of up to interpretation. It's up to the viewer. I don't think so, right? Yeah.
There are different kind of bears. If it's a black bear, you can tell it to fuck off. If it's a brown, like a grizzly bear, you're dead.
Right. End of story.
What about a polar bear? You just hug it and give it a little kiss. Same with a panda bear and a koala bear. Same with a panda, you give them a little smack on his hanging knee. So those are the bear rules, but now's not the time to talk about bears. Now is the time to talk about Alfie, the graphic novel that we read, looked at this week.
By Incase.
And we brought some experts with us as always because it's a little challenging looking at material without having maybe an expert eye. So we are so happy with us to have an ear expert with us. Please welcome Allie. Hi. Thank you so much. So, Allie, yeah, please talk about your ear expertise and how it could apply here.
I know you have two ears. I have two ears.
Honestly, that's kind of the start and stop of my expertise. Interesting. Awesome. I was born actually with two ears. Awesome. But actually more so than that. If you look up your zodiac sign, it will tell you your erogenous zone. And my main erogenous zone would be cancer, but I am an Aquarius rising, which is ears. Wow.
Okay, so there's a lot of ear stuff that's really relevant to you. A lot of ears spent and dedicated to ears. Yeah, a lot of ears spent. Ears spent on ears. And for those of you maybe not familiar with Alfie, this is very important because Alfie, the lead character, is a halfling with giant ears.
So this is going to really come into play. Yes. And we also have another expert here. Please introduce yourself. My name is Teo Yang and I am a halfling expert. Great.
This is going to be really crucial because a lot of our main characters are halflings, sort of elf types. I don't know anything about like elves or humans or orcs. I don't know anything about that. But halflings, I definitely, the melding of a human and an elf, I know everything about. Well, if you want to talk about the melding of a human and an elf.
Oh boy. There we go. Oh boy.
That's all I was looking at. Beautiful segue.
For those of you, if you did not have a chance to read Alfie, I'll give you a couple of the characters. It's a little bit of a denser story. So we have a couple to follow along. And just as a heads up, because this was so long, we wanted to make it, it was a little easier to read along. So we read up until the end of chapter five. We realized that there are things that happened beyond that, given that it goes longer. But just so that it wasn't an unreasonable ask. On the Discord this morning, I did see everyone being like, oh, they're not going to get to chapter six.
That's where the shit goes down. And we are so sorry. We have no idea what shit goes down. We only know what we know. I can kind of guess, honestly.
Ali got an ear for that kind of thing. Yeah. Their ears are tingling. They're so turned on. Ali, it's a weird work. Anytime we get extra horny today, we have to wiggle our ears. All right.
We have Alfie, our main halfling, kind of like a hot teen halfling. We have Melly, her naughty BFF. We always got to have one of those.
Yeah, very freckly. Freckle.
And a redhead. And redheads are always extra naughty in books.
Don't eat this.
They go either way, right? It is true.
It's like you're either the pro or the pro.
Anna of Green Gables or like. She was described as like our Alfie got mad. I was like, that damn redhead.
Yeah. Yes. It's so funny.
Because it was hard to tell because it was black and white, so it wasn't quite true. Yeah, I thought her hair was gray. I forgot that she had redhead.
I feel like the most annoying thing about some people who are redheaded is that they talk about how they're the biggest minority. You guys ever known someone like that? That is 100% true. Isn't that insane? I have had redhead people say that. How do you fucking say that to somebody? I'm like, sure, but that's not the context that we use the word like minority work right now. No, but I kind of, I totally got it because like in my family, I'm sort of the minority because I have red hair and everyone else in my family has strawberry blonde hair. I'm like, yeah, I bet you've been arrested unjustly.
Yeah, you know, sometimes. Yeah, I'm sure that's happening. Yeah.
So, Melly, our minority in the book, Marco, a human dude, Jean, another human dude who's kind of doucheier is how we differentiate those two. Marco is like our main dude, Jean's his douchey friend.
Yeah, with a beard. Vera is Alfie's mom and she's a leather worker. Yeah. Spicy meatball.
Oh, we should have had a leather expert. Well, Teo, isn't there a devil in both? I do a little bit of leather. How much leather do you own, honestly? I own an entire cow's worth. Teo.
Sorry, that's where they come from. In cows, how many comes from?
As an expert, he knows. Wow, that's incredible. We have Derek, Alfie's father, for Vera's husband. Oh. We don't know.
And then we have Alduin. How do we say we're going to say his name? I say Mr. Alduin. Yes, Alduin. Alduin. That feels right. Alduin.
Like an undoey sausage. A fancy, gorgeous Alf that I can't wait to talk about. And then maybe we'll get to Lydia. She's a hottie with some armpit hair. She's the only woman of color.
Yeah. Well, what about Melly? Yeah, sorry. I forgot.
They bind together. This is what we're talking about. This is oppression. This is erasure.
Red is a color. I have hair of color. I can't believe I share a podcast with you. An Irish woman of color.
All right. Chapter one. Sorry. Did you also say Mrs. Farnham, I think? Oh, is that B? Yeah.
The gossip? The gossip who is a monster.
Yeah. Do you have a lot to say about her? She was just a classic, like, man, you have a sad life. Yeah.
You're just mad at everyone. The town gossip that's like really likes to rub shit in people's faces.
Yes. All right. So yeah, and her. We all know.
I didn't even remember her.
There's a lot of people. She's like of an internet troll. It's like pre-internet.
Yeah. She just was that like. She's okay magazine. That presence. Or like Brez Hilton. Yeah. She's the Brez Hilton though. Yeah. I swear.
Of Pickering.
All right. Chapter one. All right. Chapter one.
We see Alfie is our first panel and she is so beautiful. I think the way that women are drawing it, like everyone is very pretty. It is a little hard to distinguish who's who.
Yes. But I do think that their faces are very pretty and pleasing. Yeah. Alfie is looking through the woods and we see a halfling in a barn that she's looking at with a human man. And panel two right away they are going at it. Yeah. They're. Yeah. Dicks out on the table. Yeah. I love it. It gets right into like. It does get right into it. Yeah. I feel like they read, in case read like a screenwriting book or like you know like save the cat or whatever. It was like start with the sex. Yeah.
Start in the first 10 panels. You gotta look them in with the sex. Well you instantly learn about Alfie too.
She's kind of like intrigued but scared by it. She like wants to look but she knows that like her friend is, we find out that that's her friend, Mellie, her red head.
Yeah. We kind of get a glimpse into all of their characters instantly. It's like a no-no too right? To like have. Yeah. To be hooking up with a human. You would know. Yes. Halfling. Yes. That will become like a quarterling. So I don't know anything about that. Right. Yeah. For a halfling and a human to be together. And what is it? It's a elven caravan just like visiting the village for a temporary amount of time and they're forbidden from hooking up with the human. Yes.
And forbidden from hook. We have one rule and one rule. No ass play with the human.
I really thought like oh maybe I'll be able to read some of this in public. Like I'll at least get to the first sex scene and then like very first cell. I was like okay. I just had no time so I had to read it at work and I was so I think it kind of tainted my enjoyment of reading the book because it was so much like trying to cover it up and being nervous that like our CEO is going to walk right behind me. Well here's my two kids just bringing them to work.
Is that a gaping asshole? Here's a College Humor fan.
Could you sign something?
Someone's just like busting them out. Yeah. There's a very graphic blow job scene. Yes. And it's much different to see it than it is to read it for sure. Because you're getting all the visceral imagery rather than the metaphor and we get a lot of metaphor in the erotica we've read but you're really this is just a fucking giant dick in a mouth. Right off the bat. I was just like okay so he's twice her size. Right. Very hentai style like giant dick that you're like okay that I'm like physically that wouldn't fit. Right. Yeah. Okay. It's like when you were reading the Harry Potter books and then now you're seeing the Harry Potter books. Yeah.
It's like Dumbledore's giant dick. It's like Dumbledore did not have that big of a dick.
Yeah. And we know that now but I you know you see the dick you want to see when you're reading it. And when I was reading I was like I thought this dick had like blue eyes and then you like watching it. Yeah. Green eyes okay. Yeah. Oh my god.
He also at Jean says a phrase that I hate which he says you could go toe to toe with one of the best of the mainland's whores. Yeah. There's a lot of that kind of talk from Jean which immediately pegs him as a shitty dude. Jean is for sure a shithead he also like kind of nudges forces her into anal. Yes.
And then between them sees like it's a bit of forcing her but then as you learn a bit more about their relationship it seems like that's what they get off on too. A lot of the book is like yeah when you're first hearing about relationships and the way people are hooking up it's like is this okay but it seems like they're figuring out what they want and like or you realize that that is things that get them off. Yeah and I guess in order for them to prep to say oh this person's figuring out what they like you have to be like no I don't want that first but when you do that it makes it seem like ew are they being like made to do something they don't want to do.
Yeah. No totally. Yeah the whole vibe was very like like just like very predatory like first time hookup which you're like that's real though. Yeah.
There's a whole power dynamic because it's like the village where these halflings live is like a kind of like a shithole or like it's like a backwater village and the caravan's like all like rich and coming in and just like the halflings want to sell stuff to them so there's more. And the halflings are always like oh I want this whole like life outside of here in this world that I haven't seen or at least like our main ones do. And then yeah it's kind of like these rich people come along and you just don't want them to take advantage of these people.
Yeah. It made me think of like in high school if like there was like one friend of mine who would hook up with like bands that were nearby it's just very like tour life like don't get attached like I'm only here for one night. Yeah. And it's like and that's in here too. Yeah.
Don't get attached to me. I'm not your boyfriend.
And you think you're gonna like marry that person like go on the road with them. Even in the year 1147 all the dynamics get the same. Although Alfie does have a great response to that later she's like ah I don't give a shit like yeah I don't think that we're gonna hook up forever.
I think the women are top of intelligence here. So they do it. There's also we see it for the first time in this first sex scene but it happens throughout and something that I was truly mesmerized by you see the inner workings of penetration so it's almost like a doctor like a diagram inside of the vagina and then a little squirt of come at the top. Like you're watching a commercial for antacid or something and it shows what it looks like when it goes down.
Yeah. But at the same time as someone's like eating eating it you can see like the x-ray of eating the antacid. A particular cell of when she was sitting on like that person's face. Yeah. Where it's just like only her mouth. And you're like yes. Oh that's cool. Yeah I like that. That's the thing. Does it feel oh does it feel erotic or does it just feel like art? Wow. That's deep. What is eroticism and art? Yeah.
I was like I'm not looking at this. There's nothing about this that is making me like horny at all but it is very interesting to look at and something that I've never thought about and something it's like what brain does enjoy this. Is there someone who's like oh god I love seeing it inside. This is so great. I do think it's cool because it is like you can only see this in like a graphic novel.
Yes. Using the medium. You're using fully using the medium it's like these two like images like on top of each other like that. Yeah. Totally.
Hot.
So they finish Jean and Mellie and then we realize as the half link is halfling is watching on there's a human next to her that she kind of gets like scared by and this is Marco. So we're in chapter two now Marco is or maybe this isn't chapter two. Sorry. It is chapter two. Chapter two. There was a chapter one point five.
Yeah. Oh yes.
Chapter one point five. We're only reading five chapters and then I finished chapter one and went to one point five and I was like then one point seven five. She's scared by this dude the dude kind of gives her vibes like oh hey cutie but then the two halflings run off and we find out about they're in the caravan and this and that.
Yes. We go back into town. Alfie goes and meets this older woman who's working on leather and we find out that this is her mom Vera and there's like very tough no nonsense where have you been what have you been doing get your head out of the cloud. Yeah. Alfie doesn't want to get married and it seems like Vera's okay with that but she's like if you're not married then you got to work. Yeah. And everybody else in town is like you need to be married and she's 21. Yes. Yeah. So old as shit. Yeah.
But I don't know how what how long do halflings live maybe that is old. Halflings live half as long as humans.
Wow. Yeah. Oh wow. Right there. That explains. That must be why they're called halfling. So yeah. It's a middle age. Wow. If you live 80 they're living 40 so she's right in the middle. It's like radiation half-life stuff. Yes. Yeah. Just like half-life. Because then their kid will live like a quarter. Yeah.
A quarterling will live until about 20 and then they will die.
So it's not in the middle of a bridge. In the middle of a bridge.
Yeah. And then you have a big hair squawk. You're very healthy the entire time. Yes.
Humans are in the village. So Vera is working. Alfie goes off does her own thing. And then this elf comes and visits Vera. And this elf is so hot.
Yes. I'm sorry. Is nobody else into this elf. Oh I'm so... Oh god. Stop the bottom honey.
I think, I think once he, I got a little more into him at like first glance, I'm like, meh. Oh, he had me at hello. Oh, I loved him. He looks like Daenerys Targaryen, but just like thin, long, and lean. Oh, he's so high. He has very beautiful eyelashes. He's gorgeous. He has like an androge thing going on, which I appreciate. Yes, for sure. Yeah, he's, yeah, he's like the David Bowie.
Well, yeah, that was my question because I'm like, later in the book, are we going to find out they're trans? I'm just like, this person has so much going. My favorite part about it is the like watching the like patriarchy melt off of her as she interacts with this person. She's like, you're a man, but you're soft, you know? And it's just like her own fucking internalized misogyny. Like encountering it.
I agree. Yeah, I liked that character better as anyone. I was like, oh, you're cool. That is awesome.
And when you hear the things that she had been through before and then you see like how Vera was treated, how that affects her, like her mother calling her, oh, you'll just end up being a whore. So it was like, she almost had to be anything but, like she couldn't experience anything sexual. And then she was trying to protect her daughter and almost in the same way that it sounded like her mother did, but then that was like stinting her daughter as well. I loved this mother-daughter relationship.
I was super into this story. During it, I was like, is this an immigrant story? Oh my God. Alfie is an immigrant story. So that like that blow job scene is sort of like one, like Ellis Island.
Yes, you know, you come over, what's your last name? Thompson. Please blow me, what is your last name?
One thing that did happen is in chapter two, when we meet Vera, she's like trying to sell like shoes, I think to a human, humans like, what are these like? These shoes are way too small.
I was like, am I half? Like, of course. But when they were selling shoes, because I still didn't really know what world we were in up to this point. And I was like, are these Christmas elves? Aww. Are we in like Christmas? Will you buy a Jack in the Box for me?
Rock hard. Because later on, there is just like an image that's just like a sexy image and not like part of the story at all. That was the most shocking thing. Yeah, it was. It was pretty shocking.
Because this person is like uploading art, I guess. And we got to just come in and see all of it. But yeah, they, in case, uploaded like a, yeah, Christmas. I think they were doing a Christmas break. They didn't have time to keep working on the story. So they were just like, here's just a Christmas picture of Alfie.
Tael pointed out that these first five chapters were written over the course of five years. The first page is like November 2010. And the last page of chapter five is like December 2015.
I think the panels are truly beautiful. I've read some graphic novels. So I'm somewhat familiar. I think the light on them is beautiful.
It is a little hard for me to get over how big the titties are. Because that is just so out of this world bonkers big. But I know in that world that is the style. So I tried to get over that a bit. But it is very jarring. Huge boobs, huge dick.
Everything is like, you know, like that kind of hero angle for every dick. And it's just like, ta-da! That's so funny. Like Orson O'Hara. Like, as soon as I got an angle. Yes.
But you know what I did like, and I was shocked why I feel like you never see flaccid dicks in these. And they had a few of those. They had a few. I mean, they were still giant.
Yeah. It was like, well, we're getting there. But it was so interesting how it was able to do this balance of like very grotesque out of this world. Like saliva and cum everywhere and giant tits. But then also be very romantic. Like I could feel romance between characters. Like one panel, the flaccid penis reminded me when they're like in a little haystack and they're just cuddling. And she's touching his flaccid penis and has like her head on his shoulder. And I was like, this is cute as fuck. Like this nice little post-coital moment. Yes.
So the elf comes and is like, I want you to make this little thing for me. Discretion is key. And Vera is kind of like, yeah, sure, whatever. She makes it, brings it to his tent. It's a pair of cuffs. And the elf says, OK, well, I want you to put them on me.
And she's like, what is going on? You're sick, you're freak, you're perv. Vera's got extremely strong and very close-minded opinions about almost everything.
Yes. If you find she's kind of a cultural thing. Yes. She's been hardened by being an immigrant to this culture. Yeah. OK. I was sick. You know, I'll say, am I? I see my mom in Vera. Oh, no. Oh, no. Honestly, I saw some of my mom in Vera because her life is like she's so overprotective and it's all about taking care of your kid and she's not taking time for her own sexuality. And then you find out later her husband took time for his own sexuality. Yes. And so it's like, oh, this is her time. Yeah. Did we all see our moms in Vera? Yeah. You know what?
I feel like everyone in this comic look like Amy Winehouse. That's all I can see. Oh, my god.
Just like another Amy Winehouse. Yes, Vera looked exactly like Amy Winehouse. And then it was like, oh, younger Amy Winehouse. Oh, Amy Winehouse with different ears. Oh, blonde Amy Winehouse. I wonder if this was made at Winehouse height, at the height of Winehouse. Winehouse height.
Everyone's looking at me.
Like, I know. Aren't you our Amy Winehouse expert as well? I am. I do know that one song.
Would you love that name? Why don't you sing it?
Oh, beautiful. All right. Tae-ho knows it.
He perverts himself. So he's kind of doing it. He wants to be cuffed behind his back. She slowly agrees to things that he's asking for. And he realized she's slowly getting more and more into it. And he wants to be degraded, like the disgusting fucking piece of shit that he is.
Oh, baby. That's so fascinating to me when people like that.
His ears. He wants to hear nasty shit. As an ear expert, I will say, yeah. He would be using his ears to hear the nasty shit.
And thank you for the valuable perspective. My studies have concluded.
Yeah. My favorite part is when he's like, go get lube. And then she's like, there's a dildo in here. Oh, I thought he was a man. Is he a man? Yeah. You know, it's like, yeah, literally like take a breath and have fun. Yeah. He's so chill about it, too. Like, he loves everything that comes his way. And then at one point when it's question, he's like, yeah, I'm an elf.
I live forever. I'm going to do a little bit of everything. I'm just having some fun.
Let's not label things. Let's just chill out. What kind of annoying to me is all the fucking watchmen.
Outside. Every time someone was having sex, there was like, somebody outside. My bro on watch. And then you hear their little inner monologue.
Yes. Is that OK? Fucker. You know, it's like, ugh. Why is sexuality a group activity for so many men? Totally.
Just like, my bro's in there. There's voyeurism across the board. Yeah. There's always, even times when you don't know that someone's watching, you later discover that someone has been watching and listening. I get, but I feel like voyeurism, especially when the book starts, she's kind of like, peeking. And I'm like, that's cute. But this kind of watch bro brings violence into it. Yeah. Just like a guy who's on guard. If anything goes down, I'll go in there and beat the shit out of someone. Or some weird, because the way she's watching her friend is like, what is this? Whereas the way the bros sort of watch it is like, nice dude, fuck her heart. Well, they do it.
He comes all over, sorry, she comes all over his face. She sits on him, right? And this is me. And I believe this is our first sit on the face.
Which is insane. Oh, I love it. I loved it. She just bought it right there. I'm a fan.
It was hot.
She sits the fuck on his face. And then she wiggles her little butt and you see the wiggle motion throughout the panels. And I was like, this is so cute. And he eats the shit out of her.
He's incredible. He's a hero.
She comes all over his face. She goes home. She goes all over the hero's face. Vera goes home.
She's a little conflicted about what's happened. She knows that she likes it, but she's also known that she's done something wrong. She's cheated on her husband. We see a scene with her husband.
And when we meet him kind of earlier on, he's like, oh, I'm going fishing. Oh, I'm doing this.
You can kind of tell they have a distant relationship. They haven't done anything in a while. There's a disconnect there. It's slowly revealed, as we mentioned, through a flashback that he is gay. And so that there's really never been that connection there.
They have a classic like parents fighting at the breakfast table of like, you went fishing? Well, you haven't caught fish in five years.
Yeah. Or he's bad, honestly. He might just be bi and like going out there. But yeah, like their whole thing of like, just like, tired and murr. Like, I could totally see that. Like an old relationship that's just kind of like reached friend zone. Totally. I think I got the vibe that he was gay, because it felt like they were more friends. But maybe it's just, yeah, that their relationship has. I think they just said that of like, can we be friends again, I think. And just felt like the caring that he had. I think he maybe feels guilt about what he's doing as well. But he's just like, this is kind of the way it is. Yes. Super brokeback mountain, like going on a trip with a friend around. Right. It does feel nice in that there wasn't like, they were mean to each other. Like, it seems like they do appreciate the life that they have. And it's not like they're like throwing dishes at each other or whatever. Like, he's not like, shitty or abusive or just like cheating. I mean, he is cheating, but. Yeah.
Everyone's frustrated. Nobody's talking about it, because no one can be open about their sexuality. Everyone is living these lives of quiet desperation.
The immigrant story.
And then once off the boat. A fat girl's silence. Off the boat and onto my knees.
You'll hide your sexuality immediately. So the next chapter, Alfie goes, is kind of tricked into going on a date with Marco by her friend, Mellie.
Yeah. Right. And Marco, like, it's, I mean, there's some sexual attention in this scene. I liked it.
He's showing off his sword. There's a great line in here. He's like rich and he says, he's like showing off his sword to Alfie. And he says, rich old men who don't need swords compete to have the best ones.
And I was, this is a great line. Yeah, right? There's good lines in it. It's a good commentary. Yeah.
And she, she's not so much her, because she does have that sexy outfit on underneath her clothes. Yeah, but she's a little shy about it.
Yes. Yeah. Yes. And underneath you kind of get like that little, like, cup runneth over look. Yes.
Oh, I didn't even mention, so we talked about the boobs briefly for a second. But I did, I kind of, I drew one. Because the boobs are sort of these, like, very long, gigantic sort of things in this book. And I, I liked them, but I didn't like the nipples. And I know we'll get to that a little later. Like maybe, I mean, but like Vera's scene is maybe one of, no, Mellie's scene in the beginning. It was the first time you seen nipples. I didn't like the nipples.
Can I say that? That looks like a chicken cutlet. That looks delicious. Thank you. That looks delicious right now. I'll grill it up. I'm a vegetarian, so I don't really say it.
Like, they were just too pale. They were really pale.
It looked a little like, like, I don't know. Not childish, but like, strange. It looked, yeah. I did enjoy that everyone had pubic hair.
I love that. Me too. Except for Alduin. Oh, that's right. And it was like, you're so smooth. And it was like, yeah, bitch, wake up. Yeah. That's the way I like it. Yes. You're insane.
All signs point to femme. But as someone with darker nipples, it was hard to see myself.
Yes. I, yeah, representation does matter. I guess is what Teo and I are sort of saying. Maybe this isn't an immigrant story. Yeah.
I just didn't relate to the nipples in this. That's kind of where I'm going. I didn't even notice. That's my white privilege. That's right, Matt. And that's privilege. I noticed those nipples, and I was like, get out of here. Oh. It's just another day in the park.
As a red-headed woman, I noticed. I'm a red-headed woman.
Yeah, so she meets him at the cool top of this castle. They're having a little bit of wine. It's kind of cute, because he keeps trying to show off. But then what he's showing off isn't real, which is cute.
And she's like, oh, I found a dragon. Well, it was kind of like a big dog, but big.
That's what my friend said, anyway. That's my friend's story. Yeah.
And she's so rude to him, like, in a good way. Yeah, you see a bit of her mom coming out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's like her mom in many ways. That's why I like this mother-daughter story.
They talk all day. There's a panel of the sun going all the way down. Yeah, damn. And then, of course, yeah, they don't talk all day, because they talk maybe half the day, and then they make love the other half of the day. Yes.
And this is just a nice, cute little sex scene. As nice and cute as just these very graphic, heaving body parts.
There's a lot of communications, like wants and needs. I thought it was hot, yeah. I thought it was fine. There was still a level of like, let me teach you.
Yes, 100%. Just push yourself a little bit further, maybe. Yeah. It's like, Jesus, calm down. Anytime where it's like, oh, the penis isn't all the way in. Yeah, I'm like, all right, well, yeah, shut the fuck up. You're going to kill her. Yes, this is true.
This is where the perspective of like, those different sizes are really, it's kind of. Halfling bodies are like Escher paintings. It's like, you don't know. You can draw them however big you want.
All I know is Peter Jackson would not have allowed this on Lord of the Rings. He would be very strict about size.
OK, listen. How big is her vagina? We need to keep this consistent. Just give me a number, and I'll keep it, the same the whole way through.
Oh, it's also revealed that Marco works for. Alduin is the main elf kind of heading the caravan. Everybody works for him. And then Marco and Jean are his employees.
So that's why they're there in town. And there's always this thing of like, oh, we might be leaving soon. And that's another. It's her mom keeping them there.
Yes. Pretty much. Yes.
Oh, that's pretty crazy. Oh, that's a tangle of oil. Alduin gives her more things to make, which we're never quite sure until we see them in action what it's going to be. Love that part. Yeah. And then we could kind of get to that part.
So she goes home. She gets in a little trouble with her mom. But still, there's like this. I love these mother-daughter scenes. They like won't. The mom is so nervous about like lashing out at her, showing her true, like caring so much.
Like, where have you been? What are you doing?
She doesn't want to push her away. But Alfie kind of wants her to ask because she kind of wants to talk about sex and know like, is this OK what I'm doing? And like by not talking, they're driving themselves further away.
Even though they're doing such similar things. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's very heartbreaking. And Alfie even snaps at her mom in this scene because Vera well-intentionally says like, you need to figure out what your future is so you don't have so few options. And then Alfie snaps like you.
Yes. This part literally did make me choke up. None of you. No, Tayo, I'm fucking strong. No, it was nice. It was a nice moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was just shocked. I was like, I didn't expect to feel this while reading.
Oh, a different kind of hot. Yeah. I'm a different kind of hot. The hot has moved from my ears.
Oh, dimension them. And Vera's like, I can't even just deal with this right now. I got to bring my next little project over to Audoween. So she brings it over.
And it's this face mask that he wears. Like a bag, like a gag. Yeah, full leather gag bar. But it has kind of a visor too. Yeah, it looks like old people's sunglasses.
I was like, when you get your eyes dilated at the doctor's office. It looked kind of Daft Punk. It was actually Deadmau5.
It was kind of one of those old timey when someone is going to walk to the bottom of a lake in those big suits, those metal suits with the hole in the middle for sight. What are you talking about? You know, an old timey, it's just someone's wearing a fully metal bodysuit and they can walk to the bottom of a lake.
Like in Scooby-Doo, they always catch the person in that weird get up. I see. Pose attached for air. Like in Scooby-Doo, everyone always has a leather bite bar. Yeah. They're just fucking them down. Once you said that, I remember Shaggy. Scooby-Doo. Yeah, I remember Scrappy too, okay.
And then I believe this is the first time that Vera uses the dildo on Abby Lee. So she likes the choice. She kind of has him lying down. Yes. That's hot. This is hot. This is where that acid reflux diagram thing worked for me too. Because he's lying on her lap. Yes. And you see that she's pleasuring him and kind of doing this sex work for him and his pleasure. But then she's like, wait a minute. I'm getting turned on. Because his dick is between her thighs. Yeah. And we see this sort of cross-section diagram and she is getting very turned on by that. Yes.
There was one panel that was confusing at first and I had to think about what angle am I looking at. And it's looking from below her. But we see through her legs.
Yeah. And see the penis coming down. Yeah. It was a glass table. It was a glass bottomed boat. Right? Yes.
We talked about that. I know we talked about it. I've already forgotten what it is. OK, guys. Again, refresher. It is when you poop on a glass table and a person is underneath the glass table masturbating to it. I'm so embarrassed because I did that and I was like, I want to call this something. But I just don't know about it. I know. It's on the tip of my tongue.
Jessica, our immigrant forefathers have the same issue. My immigrant forefathers.
Oh, that's right. So he jizzes all over her just to kind of like a little taste of it. And then she tells him to lick it. She's like, you got to clean this. Because they have a Dom like sort of relationship. And she's like, clean this up.
Don't miss a spot. Yeah. I love that. I feel like their dilemma was glass. It looked like glass. But she's got to be careful. That seems scary. No, that's a normal thing. But like, it looked, it's all right. It looked hollow. Oh, yeah. That's why I was like, because that's why I didn't quite know what it was the first time I looked at it. Ooh, scary. It's like the biggest wine glass. Yeah. Because it didn't look solid. So that's why it was like.
Although if anyone would like it, it's terrible. I'll do it. Don't worry.
My ass could never break this. I'm so delicate. My ass is also quite delicate.
I had an embarrassing moment during this scene because I was reading this at the same time. I was reading with my girlfriend at this, and we're reading it on computers separately. And we're at the same place.
And then she, I think Vera comments, it tastes so bitter. And I was like, does cum taste bitter? And she was like, yes, of course. No way. And that was your first time hearing that? I mean, I knew, obviously, it doesn't taste great.
But I don't know why I never thought bitter as the main first. I never thought bitter. I've never thought bitter.
OK, great. OK, so great.
What else tastes bitter? A lemon? That's sour. Bitter tastes like.
Bitter is like coffee. Like coffee? I like coffee.
Yeah, they're good bitters. This is a different kind of bitter. Like what's another bitter thing? Bitters. It's sort of like orange bitters on some seltzer. I don't know if I've ever tasted anything bitter.
I just go chemically.
A grapefruit. Oh, grapefruit.
What is that, sour? I don't understand. I think it makes you make a face like that. Like, oh, but I don't know if it actually tastes bitter. Well, you know what is interesting? I want to know what goes into the flavor.
Because I have been with women who are on estrogen. And there come doesn't taste bitter. I feel like every man I've interacted with have been like, yeah, not for me, just based on taste. And then with the presence of estrogen in your body. All chemicals changed.
Interesting. So I wonder what that is. Yeah, I don't. Bitter is not the first thing that would come to mind. What's the first thing that would come to your mind?
Like, fucking ass. Yes. That would be a more accurate line in this, right? Yeah. That's so funny.
Salty, sweet, sour, bitter ass. Umami and ass. Umami. The six and seven. I feel like you could give me a blind taste test.
Like the Coke Pepsi Challenge. And I would be like, male, not so binary, but just like, yeah. Yeah. That'd be incredible.
That's the new Pepsi Challenge. Everybody at home, do the new Pepsi Challenge.
I just feel like I can taste toxic masculinity. And when that isn't better, from the body, I'm like, oh, delicious.
That's better.
Oh, my god. Oh, yeah. So that's something I experienced. It's so funny. That's so funny.
This interaction ends. She has one more thing to make before they kind of hit the road. Marco and Alfie keep their relationship going, although they're not quite sure where it's going to go because they might leave as well.
And they have like a little montage of just like doing it all over town and having a blast. Yes. And there's like a montage of like where Alfie's like doing her day to day, like just shopping or buying stuff or whatever. And it seems like she's like thinking about this challenge. Yes, she is. I did love that.
They even do that in the very first chapter after she watches her friend, Mellie, and the other guy. It's kind of like dark all around her. And she's just like daydreaming about these hands coming and like grabbing her tent. And then there's like more hands and more hands. Like she's fantasizing about this orgy that's happening.
That feels very real. You're just like in the middle of like literally shopping with your mom for like a holiday, a very like chase, humble holiday. And then you're like, oh yeah, someone grabbing me. Which is very real. When you first meet somebody, you just think about them like all the time. I loved that.
We find out that there's a festival about to happen in town that everyone's kind of getting ready for. And the non halflings are not invited to this. They're having their own thing, which is so like, oh yeah, we'll have our own holiday.
Yeah, we took the Christ out of Kapala. They do tell them you have to be like five feet or over in order to come to ours. Oh my God, that's so cool. Jesus.
Immigrant story. Like a roller coaster. Yeah, it's like a roller coaster or an immigrant story.
One of the two. And so then Alfie and her mother still have this like tension between them. They're still unable to talk about what's going on, what's happening in their lives. Even Derek's kind of reaching out like, hey, is everything okay? You don't seem like yourself. Avira just won't speak to him. Yeah, they get in that little fight where we see the flashback. That maybe he is like closeted at the moment. This is when this is far or no, people are just talk gossiping. He's about Avira.
Pretty harsh gossip. Very harsh gossip.
And Vera's about to like hit them. But then Derek like holds her back and it's like, oh, this is like a wonderful, this is like a nice moment in this relationship. I love when my partners hold me back for really freaking this shit out of someone. Yeah, this felt real too because he was like, people talk all the time and it never gets to you like this, which is so like cheater's brain where you're like, why would you think I would hang out with that person? They're like, wow, you're overreacting, which makes me think something is going on.
Right, right. Yeah, damn, damn, damn.
We also get a little glimpse of, we only read the first five chapters, so we're not quite sure what comes of her, but Lydia, women of color, chick with armpit hair. Did we see her nipples? No, no, she's in like a tank top, but she's like just chilling. And she had, I appreciated seeing armpit hair. There is something, you know, okay, you have so many female care, and then the first person is a woman.
There's something going on there that I don't like, but it's fine. You didn't like her. No, no, no, I liked her.
But why does she have to be the one with armpit hair? And there's absolutely nothing wrong with body hair, but that is a thing. And like women of color, it's like, oh yeah, of course you can see all my body hair because it's black. Your blonde body hair, you can go fuck itself.
And it's also like, of course she's like tough. Yeah, yeah, like she doesn't get the same delicate treatment, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with her being more masked or whatever. That's wonderful. And I very much like what I see of Lydia, but there's just, there's things, there's deep things going on. It's kind of like Amazon treatment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, I'm just getting in check today. I'm just a red-headed woman living in the world.
But yeah, we see her kind of giving like a little armpit nuggy to Marco. And then Alfie and Marco go have sex, and Gene is listening, and we're like, yeah, I'm like, dude, go. Gene sucks.
I hope he dies. I truly hope he dies in the funniest way. Do you think people die in this world? I don't know. I hope so. How would you like Gene to die?
Good God, like sounding. Yeah. What? It's like where you put like a thing in your dick hole. Oh yeah, just like that. Oh, it's not sounding.
It sounds really painful. I want him to trip and fall and get a cut really embarrassingly, and then the cut gets infected and he dies. So slow. So something embarrassing. Something how you might die in a world like this where there's no modern medicine.
Yeah, I wanted his dick to like fall into like a honey beehive or something. Yeah. Fall it. Like poo bears around the forest, like he just has a t-shirt and no pants on. And then it's erect and it just goes boing, boing, boing. I want it to get like caught in a fan or something. Ew!
There's no fans in this world. Sorry. I mean, if we're playing this game, maybe a human powered fan.
Maybe it's a wheel. It gets caught in a wheel. Oh, like a wagon wheel. Yeah, a wagon wheel.
So he's like getting his condoms from the local wagon and his dick is out. And then the wagon's like, all right, cheer later, Jean. And then as it's going away, his dick gets wrapped around the spoke and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And it just keeps going for like miles and miles.
And the guy's got whatever the equivalent of headphones is. He's got beats on. Yeah, he's got beat. He's got wireless beats. So he can't hear.
I'm going all the way across the continent. To the Oregon Trail.
Yeah, it's like a Mr. Bean type way to die. Oh my God.
Fuck Jean. Anyway, yeah, fuck Jean.
How does this chapter end? Oh, Vera brings, I wish we could even as we're talking about it, Alduin, his one last gift, it's a corset. And then we see him in corset and high heels.
And this is when he kind of has this moment of like, I do whatever the fuck I want. I don't give any shit.
There's a great line in here that's Vera saying, like thinking about Alduin. It must be nice being rich and crazy. That's so funny. That is very true. But also, I'm kind of like in this time, it probably took a certain amount of affluence to express your gender in this. Totally. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, must be nice be rich and crazy. It's like, this is like a normal person.
It's your like crazy blinders that think all this is insane. Yeah, something else I liked that Alduin said, I didn't like it, but I also just wrote it down rather.
He says, Vera is a tiny old woman who always looks like she just smelled goat shit. Wow, sweet nothing.
That's why she reminds me of my mom. My mom!
Wait, this is, oh, sorry. No, that's what your mom says to your dad. Sorry, Ally, what are you going to say?
Wait, this is the chapter where he fantasizes about her friend during sex, right? She fully dissociates?
This is a weird double date where Alfie and Marco go on kind of a double date with Mellie and Jean. And Jean and Mellie are like, we're going to show you how it's done. And they start literally fucking in front of Alfie and Marco. And then Alfie is like, oh, no. And she is getting really turned on, but she grabs Marco and is like, I can't do it in front of them. And so then they start to have sex in the woods and she fantasizes about Mellie, which I loved. I think that is so real. What would you do if your friends just started doing it in front of you?
Am I also, so if I was Alfie? If you were Alfie, yeah.
It doesn't have to be real life. This feels like a Grant everyday Grant. Grant is the Mellie of the story.
Oh, my God. How beautiful. That's so nice.
Grant is a minority, I would say. Yeah, Irish. Yeah.
So and then this scene, so we're kind of coming back between Alfie and Marco fucking, which I liked in this scene where she's fantasizing about Mellie. And Vera and Alduin, the shot that stood out to me so most, or the picture, was they were looking in the mirror and Alduin came all over the mirror. So they see their reflection through the translucence of cum on a mirror. Which is beautifully drawn. That's like a technically hard thing to draw. You know that reflection song in Mulan?
She's like wiping away a part of it. And it's like getting foggier because it's so thick.
It's just mistreading. Yeah, there's no way that's coming off easy. Because they don't have wind decks or anything.
Oh, my God. You need Goo-Gon? I'm learning so much. I don't know what Goo-Gon is. This sounds like a dirty word for cow. No, Goo-Gon is what he used when if you have a sticker on this table and you take it off and there's a goo here, you have a really intense goo. It's Goo-Gon. Yeah, the Goo-Gon. Okay, got it. It's Goo-Gon. You can also just use Goo-Gon. It's Goo-Gon. This episode is sponsored by Goo-Gon. I have so much Goo all over my house. I need a GON.
Oh, my God. That just scene, yeah.
Wow, my jizz fits my friend and it fits my other friend and it fits Blake Lively. It fits Blake Lively.
So both of them and their sex scenes, Vera is feeling like, this is just me. This is who I am. I've never felt this alive and good. I've been holding this back and repressing this all this time.
Then they go into the town. Everyone's getting ready for the festival, but it's discovered that there's a pervert amongst everyone. Everyone in the streets is shouting pervert, pervert. Ignatius Barnes. All the parties that we've been talking about are nervous that they're talking about them.
Yes. This is not allowed.
But we open up the caravan curtains and see that it's a human woman with a halfling man getting it from behind. And this part confused me because they opened the curtains and it was a panel where the halfling was having sex with a human woman.
Yes. So did they catch him in the air? I think that that was like a retelling. Yeah. That's what I thought. Oh, I see. Because I think that's great. Okay, everyone, we put up a curtain to the point about that we want to really catch him.
I was like, did they make a statue of this moment? No, they had the Abigailite of Park Benders, yeah. This is the worst thing our town has ever seen. We made a statue of it, so it doesn't happen again.
Which kind of is like how this is working. It's like a big public shame. Here's something we never want to think about. Everyone gather as we all discuss it.
Yeah, yeah, totally. Not to go back too far, but when so Anduin, no, sorry, Vera and Alfie are having sex supposedly at the same time. I was like, I wonder if I've ever had sex at the same time my mom has. Yeah. Beautiful. The book really made me think about my mom. It's like twins, you'd be able to set. You'll never know, you know? Yeah.
It's like we're looking at the same moon. You're getting fucked under the same moon.
That was beautiful. As your mom. Oh, you know what? I was just like, that's poetic. You know what else we didn't talk about? Anytime they were horny, their eyes would go into these little spirals of like, whoa. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. That's like classic. You know, it's horny time. It's like in, what's that game? The one where you get like an apple and you exchange it for like a fish. Like Animal Crossing? Yeah.
Yeah, it's like Animal Crossing when she like, what is she, she'll like see a fruit tart and she'll be like, oh. She's horny for that fruit tart.
Yeah, you get it. I get it.
So they catch these people in town and the man is put into the stocks and they're like, we have our festival tomorrow, so we can't leave him in there for three days like we normally would. So everyone can just throw tomatoes at him today and then everything will be good.
They literally, the way they phrase those, like everyone, you may throw things at the offenders. You don't even specify what. You just throw. They do say nothing sharp.
Come on, we're nice. Yes, and then he, his defense is you have not lived, if you haven't tasted the wet, the sweetness that is, I left the s out and that is crucial. The sweetness that is a human woman. Yes. And then some, and then someone they're like talking about it. It's what goes, ask the size of the moon.
This is truly one of the funniest scenes I've ever seen. I don't think I will ever write anything funnier than this of a half like being like, who, like a shy lock from Shakespeare moment. I'm like, do I not breathe?
Don't we all want a giant human woman? That's so large, you can't even lift them. Ask the size of the moon.
Would you not do the same?
Worth you in my position, but twix two ass cheeks. This is your new audition monologue. Are you doing something dramatic or comedic? Sexy. Imagine I am a hackling.
Yes. So there is this big, like, you know, isn't love, love kind of like sort of moment, which is nice. Yeah.
Less you who have never loved a giant human woman. A giant, sweet, wet human woman.
And that's the end of chapter five. That's the end of what we read. So the saga continues.
You can go check it at buttsmitty.com. That was crazy. I was like, what are you sending me? Buttsmitty. Yes. Oh my God. What did we think, guys? We have a rating scale here.
One is dry as a desert. And five is slide off your chair. Honestly, I got a couple five moments in.
Oh, baby. I thought it was hot. Yes, baby. Okay.
I'm going to go with 4.5 with definitely like a value. It was always like dip it. It was like it was a line graph. It'd be like going up and down between four and five. The curves on Alduin's body. Yeah, I got to say there were some moments that were total, like 4.5s and 5s. There were some scenes that were straight up porn that I was kind of like, this is a flip flip flip that I wasn't super into. But yeah, I would say probably overall a four or 4.5. I think I would say the same.
And again, if you are going to now listen to this and then maybe go check it out, give yourself a little you time. Have like a nice little space by yourself.
Maybe a glass of wine. Have a glass of wine. Have a cigarette.
Don't have it when Mike Trapp and Katie are standing right behind you at their desk trying to work. I mean, I was screaming at work. There was just one panel that stays in my mind. It was the butt hole.
It's perfectly round. It's so big and round.
You'd see inside of it. You can't see this, but we're looking at camera lenses. It was truly looking down the barrel of a lens.
It was like a Coke can. Coke Pepsi Challenge to it.
Taste of your friends and loved ones. See whose is better.
And I screamed, audibly in the office and then Mike Trapp was like, is everything okay? I was like, yeah, I just. I got to go home.
But I mean, I was also just so into the story. I thought it was just very well made and it's very beautiful.
I aesthetically still think I do not like the bodies of the people. It's just not like the chicken cutlets.
But yeah, I give it a four. For sure.
For Binks, it was started in 2010. I'm like, this is really problematic. But I'm like, it's 2010.
I wonder what they would write if they wrote it now. Nobody had brains. And they are still writing. Yeah, no one had brains. No one knew right from wrong or humanity then.
And I felt like they were trying to get two points that were not problematic. Yes, especially since we're only part of the way through. Yeah, true. I think Alduin's character is sort of a beacon of like, okay, that would be a character that makes you feel safe going in reading this a little bit.
Oh, this person doesn't think these things. They're trying to reverse these things.
And I give it the allowance that I give Game of Thrones of like, we're talking about a medieval society where, yeah, probably if you were found to be gay, they would slice your throat and make you into a table. Unless you're very rich.
And crazy.
Oh, my God. Well, speaking of representation, the next book that we have lined up, I am so excited. As some of you may know from our accents, from our talks of hoagies, our hometowns, Rehk and I are Philly gals. And we came across a real beauty.
As we spell things in Philadelphia, we have no Fs. Pretty hot in Philly.
This was by Matt Kerstetter, who happened to be a friend of Brennan's when I brought it up. He has her blessing to read it. He's very excited.
If you type that in, it's not on Amazon. Just type in The Gritty of Brotherly Love, a Philly fan fiction, and it'll come up. That's what we're reading, a love story between Gritty and the Philly fanatic.
I am so beyond excited for this. If you don't know what either of those mascots look like, the Philly, yep, our producer's doing it. The Philly fanatic is a big green anteater from the Galapagos Islands that moves like this. He's the most sensual of any sport. Of any mascot. He's got hips.
I mean, for days. Is that canon, the Galapagos Islands? Yes, Teo. What?
He's not. He's not from Philly. Teo! He's an immigrant. He's from Philly? Oh, true, an immigrant story.
The Philly anteater. He's a big green anteater that loves to jiggle, and it's the immigrant story.
I see my dad in the Philly fanana. I see my mom. Yeah, I see my dad in him, and then my cracked out uncle in Gritty.
So I just can't wait. So that's what we're reading.
Thank you so much for watching this, hanging out with us in the Discord. We absolutely love you. We love our guests. Thank you so much for being here. And for your expertise. We couldn't have done it without you. Have a sexy week.
Bye! Ooh! Google!
Hi, I'm Jess. If you like that, subscribe to Dropout, where you can become a part of the exclusive Dropout Discord. I can even tell you my secret for solving one of these. Just take this.
Hey-o! Genius! All right! He's the smarty pants now! |
dropout | Every_Get_in_the_Comments_From_Brennan_Lee_Mulligan_Um_Actually | Um, actually, it's not an otherworldly ability. It is born of the phenomenon in the natural universe in which X-Files occurs. So to say that it's otherworldly is technically incorrect.
No, I'm not going to do that for you.
Get in the comments, get my back. Get in the comments! You know what, I don't think I'm going to give it to you, you're, you're, you're, you're. Get in the comments! And it will get you no additional points. Get in the comments! That's my new catchphrase on the show. Your army of, army of internet. Get in the comments! We have Brennan Lee Mulligan. Get in the comments.
No, no, no, I'm going to cut this off right now.
Get in the comments. At this point, do I even need to say, get in the comments? Because you need to get in the comments.
I'm seriously not trying to steal your thunder right now? You're not stealing, it's not thunder, it's bullshit.
I'm, I'm fucking up. You're stealing his drizzle. And then you're also fucking up by copying me.
Leave it in the comments, but yeah. Get in the comments.
Cool. We are going to move right along. He's flirting with the camera.
But you do want someone to tell you why they're called that? I mean, is, is, yeah. I don't know. Hey guys, get in the comments and tell a trap why they're called the Griffis.
I'd really appreciate it. Honestly, and I hope you guys are having as much fun watching this episode as I am having being in it with my friends. This guy's being a real quiz-nack, you know what I'm talking about?
How dare you, sir? You take that back. How dare you?
I said what I fucking said. Get in the comments. No, I'm not going to allow it. You know what I'm gonna say? Get in the fucking comments.
Cause I think I'm right.
Envision a world where we seize our destiny for ourselves and get in the comments. Get in the comments. What is soft defeated? Get in the comments. Everyone get in the fucking comments.
Rats honk when you throw them.
If you never hear from me again, you know what to do. Get in the comments. All of us are trapped in our apartments and houses. You know where I'm going. Don't do me in the comments. You know what I'm gonna ask you to do. There's no room in the comments.
Don't be your friend.
Get in the comments. It's a live show. You can direct message Brennan on Twitter and if there are any rules, mistakes, or anything, just follow up with him. I think you should get in the comments, right? Yes.
Oh, don't use my own catchphrase against me. To everyone watching this at home, you are watching this game be stolen in front of your eyes.
You know what to do. Get in the comments. God damn it. Hey, get in the comments. Get in the comments and talk about like these very- You have the power.
To find Mike Trapp? Yes.
Brennan's trying to cancel me on my own. Your own show.
Get in the comments and just let Trapp know how you feel. Get in the comments, guys.
Not my catchphrase. I'm not going to allow this.
This is what I'm talking about. Yeah, right?
Because this is- If you want to give him a get in the comments, go ahead and give him a get in the comments. Yeah, get in the comments. Yeah. Get in the fucking comments. I will not allow that breaking the fourth wall is a superpower and Brennan, anything more to say to that? Get in the comments. This is my superpower breaking the fourth wall. That's- Look it up. Are you telling me that you right now have superpowers when you tell people to get in the comments? Do an effect here. Get in the comments. I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan. This is my real voice, reminding you as always to get in the comments. Get in them.
Yeah.
And Mothman could be real, could not be real. We cannot prove it, but people are like going out and like trying to hunt for them.
I'm trying to fuck them? No, no, no. It's the fucking part of like- It's not just me. It's not part of the- Get in the comments. Monster fuckers, get in the comments. |
TheOnion | Using_Social_Media_To_Cover_For_Lack_Of_Original_Thought_Onion_Talks_Ep_6 | Social media. Social media is the driving force behind the new economy.
What does that mean? Nobody knows.
I'm a successful social media consultant even though I've never had a thought or original idea in my life. But because my firm charges lots of money, we've put social media on the tongues of some of the biggest companies in the world without providing an actual service. To survive in the new internet economy, you need to come up with a new service or product that people will want. Not likely, right? But social media eliminates the need to provide value to anyone. Let me give you an example. My firm was contracted by Cheetos, so we went around the room, talked about ways to leverage their brand online, and it turned out none of us had any original ideas. So instead, we gave them a Facebook page.
Eventually, people liked it. These people liked Cheetos even though they had no reason to, as we gave them no incentive.
And remember, any teenager could have done what we did for no money and much faster. Using your brains to think of an idea and your skills to implement it, that's the old model. Like anything that's old and requires effort, it's inefficient. Facebook is already invented. We simply need to know it exists, and we can pay ourselves richly as middlemen to leech off of their work. Let me show you another example.
Our firm was hired to expand Speed Stick Deodorant's Twitter footprint. They already had a Twitter feed, and we, of course, had no original ideas. So we hired a separate company to create thousands of fake Twitter accounts designed only to follow Speed Stick. We were able to increase the number of accounts following Speed Stick from 300,000 to 900,000 in less than a week.
And the best part is all of these accounts were robots, so we didn't have to tweet anything because nobody was reading it. Companies don't care if their followers are real or not, so they'll pay you either way. Ideally, real human users will leave social networking altogether, and all that will be left will be thousands of robots talking to each other, who we can then advertise to. Now, robots don't yet buy products, but that's not our concern. In the new social media economy, you just have to keep looking like you're doing work, and people will pay you for it.
Thank you. Thank you, Paradigm. Thank you. Thank you, calm down.
Why doSandu do the work? Why doARDe, what is your SCSI person doing? Your SCSI person does.
Wow. That will be 5 hours. Yeah, down here. Now cancel the weekend. Chas, I think we need a overarching annealing because your SCSI limited two official machines. And the answer is yes, the Foundryed. |
cracked | 4_bonkers_crossover_events_that_put_avengers_to_shame_canonball_yboc_crossover | Sometimes it feels perfectly natural for your favorite characters from different franchises to hang out. AHH!
Oh my god, Morty, what did you do? You killed the Simpsons, Morty!
Like when Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny teamed up to murder Bob Hoskins. Other times, two completely incongruous characters are suddenly revealed to share a universe, and all hell breaks loose.
Let's get by. That's the stuff I'm interested in.
Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That's weird. I'm a weirdo.
This... ...is Calvin Ball. Dr. Jordan Breeding, you son of a bitch!
For some nerds, the sight of two or more superheroes working together is as exciting as the sight of two or more adult film actresses... ...working together. That's why you'll sometimes see publishers take one kind of popular character and just jam him into an unfamiliar setting in a cynical attempt to get more eyeballs on their stuff. It's often ham-fisted and distracting, but it is, for better or worse, canon.
For example, number four, Archie meets and gets murdered by the Predator. In the comics, the Predator franchise has crossed over with everyone from Batman to Superman to the aliens to Batman and Superman and the aliens. Because there's no law that says a comic book can't make unlimited amounts of money. But, after pitting the Predators against worthy opponents, like Judge Dredd, Tarzan, Batman again, and Batman again again, by 2015, the folks at Dark Horse Comics decided to give everyone's favorite dreadlocks-wearing space murderers a break and let them hunt someone a little less challenging. And that's how they settled on these guys. You are my candy girl, and you got me! Yep, Archie vs. Predator is a real, officially sanctioned comic, and it goes about as well for Archie and his pals as you'd realistically expect.
The story starts with Jughead winning a tropical vacation for his entire group of friends from a lucky bag of potato chips. Distraught after seeing Archie making out with Veronica at the beach, Betty runs into the jungle and finds an ominous temple, where she wishes vengeance upon her friends using a magic knife. I didn't want you to get hurt, Archie!
This is already weirder than 90% of Archie comics. I'm weird.
And 100% of Predator ones, and we haven't even gotten to the gore yet. Why don't you join the gang in the school library during study period? Well, there's the gore.
A Predator has been stalking the Riverdale teens in the jungle, and he gruesomely murders Cheryl and Jason Blossom, as if he already knew how creepy their live-action CW versions would be. Next, he follows the gang back to Riverdale and pops Pop's head right in front of them, covering everyone in chocolate, which doesn't seem to affect Jughead's appetite all that much. Betty is worried that her little knife ritual might have something to do with all the murders, so she and Veronica visit Sabrina the Teenage Witch to see if she can break the curse. But it's kind of hard to perform magic spells when a Predator has ripped out your spine. No friend of Archie's is safe from the slaughter, not even the token gay, token black, and token douchebag ones. Even Jughead gets his head stuffed in a vending machine, which is kind of beautiful, since that's probably how he always wished to be buried. The final issue has more bizarre twists than an entire season of Twin Peaks. Archie gets fatally stabbed, but Betty and Veronica use a healing machine to transform him into a Schwarzenegger-sized version of himself, which still isn't enough to prevent the Predator from cutting Betty's arm off and making Archie's head turn even redder than usual. Red as in blood. It explodes. In the end, it turns out the Predator was in love with Betty and Veronica, so they stab him with the magic knife while he's distracted by their beauty.
The real question now is, how will the girls learn to live without Archie after 80 years of chronic co-dependence? And the answer is, they won't have to. They use the healing machine to reshape the remnants of the lovesick Predator into Archie form.
The end. Back to normal, everyone. Oh, except most of the town is dead, but, you know, details. The important thing is, one franchise's senseless brutality was cheaply imported into a different, more serene franchise. Me, daddy, you son of a... Mission accomplished.
Maybe Archie would have fared better if he'd recruited his old pal, The Punisher. Yeah, that's also a real comic that exists, but we shouldn't be too surprised given that Archie isn't the only famous recording artist The Punisher has run into. Number three. Eminem makes a chump out of The Punisher. Unlike other celebrity comic book cameos, like when Ayatollah Khomeini teamed up with The Joker. Though at the time, an undead Princess Diana almost joined an X-Men spin-off. This one was created with the guest star's full approval and collaboration. I'm taking this to mean that Eminem doesn't care much for his bodyguards, because this 2009 comic starts with The Punisher slaughtering all of them.
That was my bad. Force of habit.
But the downside of having Eminem's approval is that you also get a crap ton of Eminem's suggestions. Call me Eminem! Which explains why the story tries so hard to make him look like a badass. When Punisher starts shooting, Eminem just happens to be carrying a Glock. And then we learn that he's good buddies with one of The Punisher's rival hitmen, a degenerate mass murderer called Barracuda. Apparently, in this universe, Eminem goes around busting caps every day between playing at the Oscars and going on Jimmy Kimmel. Later, Em easily beats the crap out of The Punisher with the butt of a gun. While rapping, apparently?
Bing, bing, bing! It's always kind of pathetic seeing someone try on a new catchphrase. Brac-brac-brac-brac!
Then he straight up shoots The Punisher in the chest while he's lying on the floor. And I'm assuming he would have also taken a leak on his body if Barracuda hadn't interrupted him. But, twist! Barracuda was hired by the Parents Music Council to murder Eminem. And The Punisher was only there to save him. Whoops! Barracuda shoots Eminem at almost point blank. But obviously, this 11-time Teen Choice Awards winner was wearing a bulletproof vest. Oh, and so was The Punisher. So Barracuda chains them up together and takes them on a boat to drown him. Instead of, I don't know, shooting them in their faces. He is a bad hitman.
Eminem escapes his chains, of course. And at this point, you can practically hear the writer's head smashing against the keyboard as he tries to figure out how to incorporate some of that signature Eminem revenge porn into the story. And so they did. The comic ends with The Punisher and Eminem clearing up the misunderstanding and parting on more or less friendly terms. Eminem gets off the boat and continues to walk on the frozen water while The Punisher sails away on the inexplicably unfrozen water.
Don't know how all this happened. Maybe I never will.
And everyone lived happily ever after. Except Barracuda. And the dead bodyguards. And every single member of the Parents Music Council, evidently.
But hey, at least Eminem didn't insist on giving himself superpowers. Unlike... Number two.
Kiss meets Howard the Duck and fights Dr. Doom. Back in the 70s, Marvel Comics was more desperate for celebrity guest stars than a third shift late night talk show. Which is why there are comics about Daredevil meeting Yuri Geller, the Hulk hanging out with writer Tom Wolfe, and Spider-Man teaming up with the original cast of Saturday Night Live. Which means Spidey has definitely done coke with Bill Murray once or twice. Most of these cameos aren't terribly exciting, or good. But there was one opportunity Marvel couldn't possibly mess up. This was about to get very weird. Gene Simmons of Kiss is a massive fan, and he and his bandmates are pretty much comic book characters already. It wouldn't be that much of a stretch to see Kiss fighting side to side with the X-Men, or Iron Man, or Ghost Rider. So of course, Marvel teamed them up with...
Howard the Duck. How would you really are the worst? For those who don't know, before Howard the Duck was George Lucas's third or fourth most embarrassing movie, it was a Marvel comic starring the same degenerate, human-phile, anthropomorphic duck. And who better to introduce a popular rock band into the Marvel universe? And so, in 1977's Howard the Duck No. 12, Howard sees Kiss materializing out of a woman's head.
They hang around for a couple more pages just long enough to qualify as a guest appearance, then get sucked back into the woman's brain again with no explanation. Somehow, that inexplicable cameo sold pretty well. So Marvel and Kiss followed it up with an oversized comic that was printed with the band's own blood. That's not a joke. They got their blood drawn and mixed it with the ink used to print the comic, in front of Stan Lee and a public notary.
Everyone who bought that issue is now dead of syphilis, probably. Which is better than dying of cholera after going down on a duck, I guess.
The comic story follows the members of Kiss, who, as four regular teenagers, get superpowers from a blind, homeless man in a furry thong. Kiss liked their hobo-granted powers so much that they used the same ones in the horrible movie they made about a year later. Kiss meets the Phantom of the Park.
Back to the comic. The villain is the Fantastic Four's nemesis, Doctor Doom, because Marvel just didn't care enough to make up a new bad guy. Yeah, we've got a lazy-ass company to shoe horns and an evil doctor to an existing property in the hopes of boosting views.
How many little croy have you had? My tummy hurt!
Yeah, anyway, after fighting lady robots, visiting hell, and dancing with alien cat people, the band has a climactic encounter with Doom himself, which ends when they physically remind him of his dead parents, and he's just too sad to keep fighting. Kiss's Marvel Comics career didn't last long, but they're still churning out comics, where they meet everyone from Ash from Evil Dead to our pal Archie. Because they have no shame. Too bad they weren't invited to the biggest, most incongruous comic book crossover orgy ever.
Number one, The X-Files, Ghostbusters, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, and The Crow try to prevent a future pandemic in 2014. In 2013, X-Files creator Chris Carter announced an official comic book continuation of the show, allowing fans to imagine how completely awesome and totally not awkward and terrible it would be if the show ever got a new season. Can you imagine if that happened? One of the tie-ins to the comic was a crossover event involving the Ghostbusters, the Ninja Turtles, the Transformers, and The Crow, properties that were clearly chosen due to their affinity with the X-Files, and not because the same publisher happened to own their license. But I'm guessing there was at least one other factor involved in the decision to combine all these franchises. Drugs, bud. 2014's The X-Files, conspiracy number one, starts with Agent Mulder's paranoid pals, The Lone Gunmen, getting an email from the future, warning them that some sort of virus is about to hit the human race pretty hard. Can you imagine if that happened?
No! It's not true!
In order to stop the virus, The Gunmen must investigate a bunch of weird tabloid stories, like sightings of humanoid turtles or talking cars from outer space. These aren't, like, realistic stand-ins for the turtles or the Transformers, like the time a non-yellow Homer Simpson showed up in an X-Files episode. Wake up, Homer. Nope, they're the real deal, in all their wacky Saturday morning cartoon glory. In the chapter with the Ninja Turtles, Mulder doesn't seem fazed while helping four cowabunging reptile people defeat a gang of pizza-obsessed vampires, while The Lone Gunmen adjust pretty quickly to the concept of giant alien robots shaped like cars. In the Ghostbusters one, they even meet Slimer, actual proof that there is an afterlife, but they basically shrug him off.
Oh, and The Gunmen find out that they're the ones who sent the future email that started everything. This creates a paradox that erases the event from history. Very original. A last-minute plot twist that negates the whole episode.
Anyway, we all just...
Wake up. Jesse, wake up. Hey, Jesse, wake up. Wake up? No, wake up. Wake up.
What's going on? Jesse, wake up. What? Wake up! I need to take a dump! What? I need to take shit! What happened?
I, uh, I macro-dosed you on placebo, so you've been tripping for two episodes. But Michelangelo said I'm excellent, just the way I are. Without drugs. Yeah. Okay, the creation of Adam was made without drugs. Great.
Hey, thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Now, you may be wondering how we filmed those scenes where I interact with Jordan. I filmed my parts in front of a green screen, while Jordan was actually filmed many miles away.
I was never in harm's way for a moment. Isn't technology wonderful? |
dropout | font_conference | Welcome back, Thons. I see some familiar type faces, and a few new ones.
Today we'll decide whether or not to offer membership to Zaf Dingbats. Oh, wing dings was bad enough. I'm sick of pandering to these artsy farts.
You should really expand your world view, Ariel Narrow. How do you think he treats me all the time?
Let's weigh the pros and cons. Baskerville, old face? When I was just a four-point, a font was a font. Letters were good enough for us.
Not these damn doodlies. I won't stand for it. You won't stand for it. You can't stand for it, you shriveled bastard. You'd probably break a leg.
Enough. What do you think, wide Latin? Well, I think it's poppycock. Our charge is to illustrate ideas, reason, and logic. Here.
I come to you from the year 2094 with important news. We must ask quickly to avoid disaster. Not now, Futura. We have to reach a decision before...
Hello, fonts! Ransom! What are you doing here? Come on, get through the times, new Roman. I know your system like the back of Lucidand. Just ask your friend, Coria. What have you done? Ah, don't worry. His daughter's keeping him company. Say hi to the nice men, Curls M.T. If you ever want to see them again, I want primary placement in every word, notepad, photoshop, and final draft document.
As well as Microsoft Works. You're insane! Nobody uses Microsoft Works!
You have two minutes. For every minute after that, Currier and Curls M.T. would lose one of their serves. I tried to warn you. You know, if you think about it, is losing Currier that big a deal? I mean, meh?
You all deserve this for conforming. I'm in a room full of sheep. I can't wait for you to grow on this.
Your time is up, fonts. Now which one of you do we make sans saliv? Not so fast, Ransom. Comic Sans! Comic Sans, the boldest of them all! I hate you so much. Thank you, Comic Sans.
Farewell, citizens. Airplane eight ball, yin yang glasses, mailbox, open mailbox! |
cracked | how_spotify_screws_over_your_favorite_artists_cracked_explains_taylor_swift_adele | Hi, I'm Alex Schmidt and Spotify is the newest music killing T-1000 unless we Schwarzenegger it Tom York is the lead paranoid Android of Radiohead a band from the future that hates the future's guts and when Radiohead released a new Album in 2016 they tried to release it every way there is Except Spotify because Tom York hates Spotify in 2013. He pulled his solo work off it He called Spotify bullshit a mind trick and the last desperate fart of a dying corpse and other artists call Spotify a smelly banana a creative content sucker a machine devaluing music itself and are they right they are and Aren't both both things they are Nope that that doesn't read Spotify is trying to save music by helping record labels become even more evil and by shape-shifting the music industry without anybody noticing It's hard to claim Spotify is killing the music industry seeing as how the music industry died of piracy already But first things first if you've never used Spotify Here's how step one download it step two hear any song you want step three pay Spotify a subscription fee Or listen to Spotify's ads between songs. I know nobody wants to do that But holy moly remember step two any song you want it's like if somebody put your old stolen lime wire music library on every device You own made it legal and fix the mislabeled songs for you No more listening to newfound gory or my chemical rum dance or Jimmy eat worm all thanks to Spotify founder Daniel Eck he went to the record labels and told them they could save their industry by supporting his startup idea his entrepreneurial idea was that piracy Wasn't preventable, but it was replaceable replaceable if access to any song could be easy legal and comprehensive This three-point idea became Spotify a service saving people the trouble of stealing anything and letting the industry earn more than zero dollars for their music Spotify is legalized piracy pirates even built it Daniel X previous job was running You torrent a site a hundred million people use for file sharing of varying legality Ek and his first staffers hail from Sweden home to indestructible copyright flaunt or Pirate Bay home to a piracy based political party and a land Where two-thirds of folks aged 16 to 29 steel media Ek also brought in Sean Napster Parker as an early advisor for Spotify Hired the guy who built you torrent software to build Spotify and when Ek demoed Spotify software for the record labels its temporary Demonstration purposes only music library was made of Spotify staffers personal pirated music collections pooled onto a drive Said Ek we a Swedish so we've already taken it those pirate demos won the labels over Spotify launched in 2008 with rights to nearly every song there is and eight years later Spotify's convinced over 40 million people to buy monthly subscriptions to that library Plus around three ad-based listeners for every one of those subscribers Which means Spotify's a hundred million users have no reason to steal songs It's like if the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie opened with Jack Sparrow taking an office job Yes, it's not as exciting as piracy, but it'd save us from years of horribly wasted energy piracy is tiring And Spotify's handing us all of music for cheap So cheap Spotify loses money every year and they are losing less money each year But they're giving the record labels an estimated 70% of their revenue along with ownership of a lot of Spotify the company Which is not exactly the savviest Scrooge McDuckiest way to hang on to your What whatever Swedish currency might be models lingonberries? I don't know either way Spotify's burning away the rest of their Scandinavian funny money on research and development Improving the product to make your life better Spotify hired a team of 32 music experts to curate over 4500 free playlists Spotify spent a hundred million dollars on a startup called echo nest to improve Spotify's music Recommendations and help build discover weekly an algorithm based weekly playlists individualized to every Spotify user and Celebrated with fancy webby Awards They also launched personal new music lists in August and their mobile app has features like Spotify running which syncs your workout with exclusive Pump-up jams and I know making their product better helps them make a buck I know but Spotify took itself from idea to all the music to exciting way to experience all the music and if Spotify became that By bankrupting itself. How can anybody say Spotify is bankrupting musicians Okay, well, there you go Spotify's become an amazing part of the music industry The trouble is they might become the entire music industry with the addition of the Beatles last Christmas Eve Taylor Swift became the only major musician Spotify doesn't have their mitts on Spotify's mitts also have most streaming music listeners Apple music is Spotify's closest thing to a competitor But it launched eight years too late with an unpopular interface and an unnecessary radio station today Apple music has less than half Spotify's subscriber base even though the world's favorite gadgets promote Apple music every time you listen to them It's like if Sarah McLachlan became the world's biggest celebrity and still couldn't get anybody to save a puppy and I respect your goals Sarah bear, but my landlord flips out when I have guests Spotify's only other real competitor is title streaming service from Jay Z's musical Justice League Which can't find a long-term CEO can't live on Beyonce alone loses more money every year and is praying Apple will put them out of their misery So maybe Daniel Eck is right Maybe streaming music is growing fast enough to replace what record labels lose in downloads and album sales But if Spotify conquers the streaming music world and that's the entire music world What can artists do but take what Spotify gives them and even if Spotify is handing out billions of dollars in royalties By the way, that $2 billion figure you're seeing is from back in 2014 Art musicians still screwed if too little of that money reaches them according to the Wall Street Journal Spotify pays a per stream royalty of 0.006 dollars less than a penny which goes to the record companies who give a fraction of the fraction of that penny to artists Who have to give lots of their fraction of a fraction of management the government groupies hangers on Watching that royalty shrink is like watching Gordon Ramsay chop a vegetable because it's kind of terrifying how fast they can obliterate it But you got to give them credit and be terrified of them All that one it's very it's complicated and Spotify must know how terrifying the record companies are getting because most of Spotify's record company Contracts are under wraps But the verge got a hold of Spotify's contract with Sony and they published it and it says Sony has no Contractual obligation to pay a specific percentage of Spotify royalties to its artists and since record companies have a track record of taking Anything from their artists that isn't bolted down It's hard to expect Spotify's generosity to get past this century's cigar chomping music moguls even worse Spotify's uninterested in changing that business model remember Tom York the the angry robot from before it turns out He was willing to put Radiohead's new album on Spotify the same day It came out everywhere else if Spotify only let Spotify's paying subscribers stream it and withheld it from their ad supported kind of freeloader users Spotify refused to do that and Tom York caved because he isn't Adele in 2011 She gave Spotify York's same offer for her album 21 Spotify said no Adele boycotted Spotify And she sold millions of albums without them twice in a row But Tom York won't sell millions of his sadness spot records a moon-shaped pool went live on Spotify the same day It was in stores because two musicians on earth are Spotify proof good job millions of people buy their albums People even leave their house and it's crazy They leave their house and they go to a store to buy a physical copy of it without stopping halfway down their driveway and asking Themselves if they're a historical reenactor for the Bill Clinton years But every other megastar has to cave in to Spotify or set piracy records their choice And if you're a kind of famous band like grizzly bear or Portishead Some of the people watching this video recognize your band's name when I said it just now So you're famous enough to supplement your crummy Spotify revenue by going on tour by selling t-shirts Even by tricking a couple people into buying fragile wax versions of your album like their historical reenactors for the Kennedy years But even though famous artists complain the loudest about Spotify Spotify does the most damage to the nobody's because Spotify made music discovery their biggest selling point and every user's home page It's where we find bands now So new bands depend on Spotify's algorithm and if it points listeners a band's way they get fractions of pennies one time It's like if all bands had to make a living as street musicians and they could only play in one creepy alley Chosen for them by robots and passerby could make their pocket change this horribly specific So if Spotify replaced piracy by making a life in music even worse isn't that a disaster for our future will we even have? professional musicians anymore Remember in the Terminator franchise how Skynet was supposed to keep us all safe But it killed us all and then it didn't actually kill us all because some of us survived through ingenuity and grit Well music history is a series of technological advances that Skynet musicians ruining their livelihoods I don't know where but somehow every time the people creating music Sarah Connor their way through that disaster and thrive Becoming scarred but tougher and capable of more visually impressive antics than ever before That metaphorical process goes all the way back to the invention of recorded music Records were supposed to destroy all musicians because before Thomas Edison invented the phonograph in 1877 music only existed in its live meet space form somebody sings or plays an instrument You hear it when they do it shows over But according to this amazing Smithsonian piece the phonograph caused mass music world panic People thought concerts would die out and folks would get addicted to record listening band leader John Philip Sousa said recordings of great musicians would discourage children from learning instruments Hey fellow modern people remember how Pokemon once only existed as cards and Game Boy games But then Pokemon Go spread them worldwide all around us and convinced the olds that Pokemon caused car crashes and walking off cliffs Well music was like that spreading it worldwide in a recorded form changed the world It created record companies who immediately screwed over artists Particularly minorities and live concerts lost their monopoly on good songs But music mutated to keep up music recordings popularized jazz because as people got sick of records They started to value improvisation Also people still go to concerts and Sousa was wrong the phonograph sparked an increase in music students Best of all according to UNC historian Mark Katz early wax cylinders could only hold two to three minutes of music So artists created songs that work within that time constraint, and that's how we invented the pop song I'm telling you every technological leap since the phonograph has made music more accessible more modern and not dead Cheap radios bootlegs on cassettes Privately recording broadcasts sampling other artists all those things expanded the world of music They all paid financial dividends one way or another and they were scary because a lot of the financial dividend sources changed And yes some of the payouts shrank But don't panic about today because if only Adele and Taylor can still go platinum and only Adele can still get richer than God From album sales the way every collection of five goobers and cool shirts once could just by frosting their tips and firing up the studio Magic console that change just means the music industry needs to mutate again and however evil Spotify might be It's as evil as the record companies have been for a long long time However, Spotify aims to be with us for a long time by conquering the world They're expanding their service to offer videos and podcasts so they can be everything and Daniel Eck is the kind of person who refers to Facebook's mr Zuckerberg as mock and then feels guilty about it like he admitted he and m dog are world government buddies and why wouldn't mr Eck get a seat at the illuminati super table his techno child Spotify took over worldwide music listening within a decade But there was a time when an ipod loaded with an itunes library was the world's mightiest music gadget There was a time when blockbuster video and microsoft were getting sued by the government for being too dominant and powerful And we were alive for all of that So if we want an alternative to spotify we might find it soon in the next big thing around the corner Also, if if you're watching this in the future and spotify's murder robot sent me on trial for crimes against robo manatee I was kidding Let me let me take that again. I was kidding. Okay. Nope. Let me take it. I was kidding damn my honesty run future alex Hi, thank you for watching Please do all the youtube things below and in the comments Let us know if there are any other like big topics in the world You think we you'd like to see like this or how dope the terminator movies are? You know, I want I want everybody to have something so big big issues where to go after genesis |
cracked | kyle_kinane_answers_quora_s_top_legal_questions | These are our police Quaras. So a lot of Quaras is just like police officers who are just like, oh, there we go. Yeah, we've got our police sound effects.
This is, if you're driving, you're not getting pulled over. This is not a police car if you were driving. This is just part of the show. Also, you can't see it, but it's like we're getting pulled over.
Yeah, the lights are going off. This is the best episode we've ever recorded. We're in the Cheesecake Factory.
Ice T's gonna come in here. What we got here. Yeah, we also booked Ice T. We did not want him the whole time.
I think that's a huge fan. I'm just saying, it felt good. Hey guys, it's me, Ice T. Most people on Quaras are just like police officers who are like, the one time I got to shot a man was the best I've ever felt.
I'm working on my memoirs, but they are not ready yet. What if I pretend I spilled some mustard and my body came and I didn't notice? I don't want to give them any ideas.
This question is, if I live on a heavily armed compound in Montana, can I legally use DIY land mines on my property to stop invaders who breach the perimeter of my territory? This guy is already using them. It's to check in though. I don't know. I feel like if you build a DIY land mine, you're killing yourself. Yeah, I think the odds of him taking himself out are pretty good. So I put one over there and then, ah. I'm supposed to think of these corporate land mines. Yeah, these aren't big box land mines you're gonna get at the store. I would immediately forget where my land mines are for sure.
I'm always saying this, but if you're a land mine guy, you also gotta be a maps guy. You really do. It's a whole industry. You gotta be into maps.
You gotta be careful where those babies go. You can't have a dog.
And yet, I feel like they all have dogs. Yeah, they probably do.
It's a companionship. The leash is 20 feet. The land mines are 23 feet. Should be cool. The system works.
This guy says, in American case law, there's an example of a person who set up a gun which would be triggered if someone tried to break into their home. There was a sign outside that warned of no trespassing. It also may have mentioned something about there being booby traps. In that case, the court ruled that these types of lethal traps and guns were illegal on policy grounds. This is called the SAW rule.
There's always the risk of emergency personnel or police accidentally getting killed in case of an emergency situation. There's also the possibility of a kid or teenager making a lethal mistake.
All right, so you win some, you lose some there. I'm so into the SAW rule, just like a case getting to court and the judge being like, do we really wanna live in SAW? Is that what we're doing? I wanna ride around on a tiny tricycle all day. Yeah, you have to set up a little TV if you're gonna do it. You gotta be learning lessons. There's riddles before you open the door. That was the answer, like, oh, there's. You can't do it. I made up the SAW rule, sorry. I don't know if Alex thinks that that's a real rule that's in there. Here's a question for you.
Is that an actual story that somebody had like a? Suppose, I mean, according to this man, this guy, Alexander Finnegan, who was placed on the domestic terrorist watch list for disagreeing. So he knows. Uh-oh. Also self-taught violinist. And lawyer, it says. Self-taught lawyer, oh no. Well, this is not real. They were wrong to put you on that watch list. All right, well, I guess that's not true.
One guy says, why not just build a wall? Shut up. That is true. We're not doing it for the walls. We're doing it for the land mines. No one's trying to break into this man's house. How am I gonna blow up the immigrants if I got to walk in? I see you working on a battle bot. Why don't you just make a car? Shut up.
I'm not familiar with Montana law, but generally you can't use deadly force against trespassers or to protect property. Is that true? We gotta get a Montana law expert on for the show. I thought that was the Stand Your Ground law. I thought by rights then abortion should be legal under a stand your ground law. That's a good point. Trespassing in my eyes. Or maybe the fetus should be able to kill you. It's taken down the right. It had to be said. Yeah, but that's like so many states that's there. Yeah, that joke does, I guess, assume that there is a wife at conception, but you can kill it.
Listen, you invite somebody in your house after a while. They're threatening you. Now you want them out of your house.
It's a fair compromise. What happens under a stand your ground law in that case? What is it? Legitimately, I'm curious legally how that would handle. Oh, suddenly it's not cool to kill people you don't like.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know where this will get a lot of engagement when we post it is Quora.com. That's a good point. And this one's locked in. We definitely won't forget it. All right, let's move on to the next police one. Oh, this is a good question. I wanna know the answer to this.
If I hire a hit man to kill me and he fails, will I go to jail? Oh, double indemnity. Is there anything worse than it when the hit man fails, folks? You hire a hit man on yourself? I'm a coward, by the way.
Would this be like an insurance thing? Yeah, I guess. I actually do know someone who did this. This is true.
Well, I went to like, I grew up adjacent to a very wealthy neighborhood and during like the Bernie Madoff shit, like people's fortunes were falling. And there was a guy who was killed and they found out that like, he had like maybe hired the person who killed him. And his kid, I swear to God, within a month, had like a Corvette. Like he got like a ton of insurance money. Well, it's a well off neighborhood.
I don't wanna say how much, but I will say we have hit man money. Well, there's good hit man money. There's bad hit man money. There's insurance hit man money.
I got a scope. I could be a half mile away, take you out with a silencer you'll never know.
What are you gonna drink that? Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Go on, drink it. It's poison. It's gonna be bad.
Here's Duke, he just chases you with a hammer. Yeah. Pretty easy to get out of this door, in the way.
Have you ever choked anybody before? This feels terrible. Piano wire, not guitar string, this is gonna keep breaking.
Anyway, I think you should go to jail if you hire a hit man and he fails to kill you. What law, Jeremy? That's the hit man.
Saw rule. God damn, these saw rules.
They both go to jail. It's really embarrassing when you're in jail.
Do you try to explain why you're there? Botched suicide. Yeah, cause now there's like labor laws involved. Like if you don't pay him cause he doesn't. Yeah, exactly. That's theft of service. Yeah, just do it yourself. Legally, this is a fascinating question. I shouldn't endorse suicide on the podcast, but if you're gonna do it. We do endorse pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. You have a house where you got a gun set to go off, but then you walk in your own house, this is suicide if you just forgot you did a stupid, you had landmines around your property. Which you probably did.
There have been previous cases where a person has hired a hit man to kill them and the killer fails. The contractor takes the killer to court. What? The contractor won the settlement of $25,000 cause the contract was not completed. However, both were arrested and charged with premeditated attempted murder. It's illegal to contract to someone to kill someone even if the target is also the contractor for the killing. And of course, it's illegal to kill someone so the killer also gets arrested.
What a Nickelodeon movie ass ending that is. Yeah. $25,000 and everyone goes to jail. You do get the buddy though. Like you get to keep that I guess. That's a lot of Butterfinger bars from the commissary in prison.
Someone says you'd be guilty of conspiracy, but not conspiracy to murder. Conspiracy has to be to kill another person for it to be conspiracy to murder.
These lawyers have a lot of time on their hands to be going through Quora this way. Going out for the bar six times a charm, guys. We've been in the books now, but I've been on QR really cracking cases.
I've read more about ghosts than ever before. Yeah. I know all about ghost law. Legalities of spirits. |
SaturdayNightLive | update_the_naked_guy_saturday_night_live | Blind people are saying that gas-electric hybrid cars pose a serious threat to them because they are hard to hear, making it dangerous for them to cross the street. also making it dangerous for blind people to cross the street? Everything else. The Benjamin, a New York City hotel, has employed a sleep concierge to help its guests sleep better, though the concierge says he prefers his original title, bartender. Dr. Peggy Whitson, a 47-year-old astronaut, has become the first woman to command the International Space Station. as a result, ships are not allowed to dock without a few minutes of foreplay. Ladies like forepicks.
Nick Nolte, who is 66, became a father for the second time when his partner gave birth to a baby girl this week. let's take a look. he got her eyes. a naked man talking on a cell phone in Times Square was arrested Thursday after walking into a Tad Stakes. the police said they knew something was wrong with the man when he walked into a Tad Stakes. what's up? hey, hey, what's up? No, I'm an Snl. What? no, I'm still totally naked. Yeah. yeah, all the squares are freaking. Oh, look, a quarter. let me just bend down and pick this up. it's all right. Yeah, I got it. All right, I'll see you soon, mom. All right, the naked guy from Times Square.
How are you getting here? How are you getting here? how are you getting here?
I'm not getting married. Naked.
The top prize at this year's Rubik's Cube World Championship went to a 16-year-old who solved the puzzle five times in an average of 12.5 seconds. The teen said afterward that he would need a lot more time to solve the puzzle that is woman. a three-year-old boy who was lost in the Amazon Rainforest for 11 days has been found alive. Reportedly, the boy survived by hanging out in a nearby Starbucks. many Blackberry users are now reporting feeling vibrations when they are not holding their devices. In an effort to combat these phantom sensations, makers of the Blackberry suggest you stop doing cocaine. |
TheOnion | Captain_Actual_America_Overweight_Hopelessly_In_Debt | Captain Actual America is overweight and hopelessly in debt. A weird glitch causes The Amazing Spider-Man to reboot in the middle of the movie. And the Richie Rich comic strip introduces a new, even gayer character. As if you needed another reason to remain in your isolated and socially degenerative cocoon, this is The Onion Week in Review, comics edition. Sources confirmed Tuesday that the comic book and sci-fi expo Comic-Con was once again marred by Bullycon, an increasingly popular event held in the same convention space. Now in its fifth year, Bullycon reportedly drew more than 125,000 tormentors from across the nation, all of whom were bent on beating up and torturing those attending the many comic book, television, and movie panels at Comic-Con. This got started? It was just a couple of friends who wanted to beat the shit out of some Joss Whedon fans. But now there are thousands of us, ruining Walking Dead panels, taunting Harry Potter nerds, and really making some video gamers' lives completely miserable. I don't necessarily need to travel to San Diego to slap a copy of Spider-Man out of some pussy's hands, but there's something really special about coming together with people who dig the same sort of cruelty you do.
Frustrated Superman fans told reporters Monday that the economically healthy and financially stable Daily Planet newspaper is now the most unrealistic aspect of the comic book's universe. Acknowledging that enjoying the adventures of a superhero that can fly, lift cars over his head, and shoot beams of light out of his eyes requires some suspension of disbelief, longtime readers said even the comic's most exciting stories are regularly ruined by the implausibility of a thriving daily newspaper, whose advertising revenue and circulation numbers have not at all been threatened by a media landscape overtaken by laptops, smartphones, and aggregation websites. Look, I could play along with Superman using his breath to freeze a volcano, or clapping his hands together to cause some sort of sonic boom, but seeing images of a thriving Daily Planet newsroom not facing layoffs or dwindling home subscriptions just really takes me out of the story. No one in Metropolis has realized they can get news online faster and for free. Local man Todd Bogan expressed mild annoyance Friday as he was interrupted by an incoming phone call from his wife while trying to read a Swamp Thing comic. Claiming that he was, quote, a little busy, Bogan hurried through the conversation with the woman he loves and is committed to spending his life with to get back to issue 39 of the comic book, in which Swamp Thing is decapitated by a humanoid fish monster.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, honey, um, you know, I'm, I'm really busy right now, actually, so, uh, you know, just get whatever. Yeah, yeah. Okay, honey, I really gotta go.
And in this week's Op-Ed pages, the Green Lantern says his Six Flags roller coaster fails to capture the spirit of his heroic adventures. In other news, an area man has always had a soft spot for Puck, the owner of an independent comic book store is not quite sure how he's still in business, and the 2012 Marvel handbook casually reveals that Peter Parker is uncircumcised. What follows this video could very well be a ten minute sneak preview of next week's The Dark Knight Rises, but probably not. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_charlotte_the_stingray_on_her_pregnancy_snl | Charlotte, a round stingray that has lived for years in the North Carolina Aquarium without a male companion, is pregnant, making people wonder, who's the father and how did this happen? Here to comment is Charlotte the pregnant Stingray. Michael, Michael, Michael, Boy, do I have some news for you. You gonna be a daddy.
What? stop playing. No, you stop playing.
I'm a little on edge right now. all this attention is a lot for me. maybe this fame stuff is normal for you, but you do not want to be a famous animal. you've seen how they did Harambee, right? Fair, but people are confused about how you got pregnant. why? Do you know how insulting it is to have someone look at you and say, who got you pregnant? I'll tell you who, Mr. we can update in his latex allergy. hey, hey, we're going to stop with that, okay? Some people think that you got pregnant via immaculate conception. Yeah, it was immaculate in that you immaculate it, then I immaculate it three times back to back. I would say you broke my back, but I ain't got no bones. I don't like this. So this is the virgin conception.
Michael, I ain't been a virgin since I was two, and that's late for a stingray. But if you must know, I got a four digit body count. hold on, four digits? Oh, okay, so you jealous? No. you don't need to be insecure, boo. you put it down better than all them fish. after you swung by my tank, let's just say a bitch could've swim straight for weeks. Charlotte, have you been near a male stingray? Oh, I've been near males, but none of them been men. none of them been Mr. Michael Shag. Charlotte, relax. don't female stingrays make with multiple males? and in the spring. that is Nat Geo business. multiple males. you not about to have me on Tv looking like a hoe. you talking real crazy sitting next to a stingray. you knocked up and you lucky? I'm keeping it. I tried popping out on land to pop a plan B, but as soon as I got out, then white people flung my ass right back in that tank like a frisbee. I was like, damn, guessing I'm having a little cherry. Well, you're not just bragging with one.
I heard you're having quadruplets. quadruplets? What I'm supposed to do with four of your babies? There's no way you can support four kids. you work one day a week.
Hey, Michael, Michael, quick question. who's the best abortion doctor in the Carolinas? I just know you. the blood. Charlotte, Brooklyn Stingray, everybody. I guess I'm having this baby. can we get that? |
cracked | why_colin_mochrie_left_whose_line_is_it_anyway | You're a 90s baby like me, you definitely grew up watching a show called Whose Line Is It Anyway? It came out in 1998, it's been running for 20 seasons, and it's entirely improvised. It goes without saying, but this show is a massive hit. But one of the original improvisers, Colin Macri, says the cast loves each other. Shooting is always fun, but they have never received fair compensation for the success of the show, which is a worldwide phenomenon. How many shows get to say that? Macri goes on to state that they provide all the content for the show that they do not get paid as writers. The original cast has also never seen any residuals for a show that's been shown worldwide since its inception.
Despite his decision to leave the cast, Macri says he doesn't dwell on these kind of inequities. After a 25-year career in improvised television, he says, I hope I don't sound too bitter, because I've learned a long time ago this business isn't fair, and being bitter about it gets you nowhere. He finishes by saying, the beauty and the curse of improv is that you forget everything once it's done. |
cracked | 18_terrifying_videos_of_the_most_well_armed_kid_on_youtube_does_not_compute | Hey everybody, and welcome to another pointed episode of Does Not Compute. The web series voted most likely to advance the global doomsday clock. I'm your host, a minstrel show, and with me as always is my co-host, Clips of some real life superheroes. How you doing, Clippy? Really? Ron Paul? You and your second amendment, Clippy. I swear. Well, that's a good point. Maybe I haven't done all the research you have. Anyway, today's topic is The Deadliest Man on YouTube.
Hope you made it past the electrified Persuameter. Really? We couldn't get the electrified?
So the Persuameter's just normal. How are we going to stop people from assailing the studio and ruining all of our nice things? We need to call in some backup. And I know just the guy.
FPS Russia. Because there's no one you want to have a bunch of guns more than a guy who equates life to a video game. I have a little pistol video. Over here you have a Nazi zombie, and over here you have some kind of crazy Nazi beach. I first met Phipps at a deadliness in new media convention, and he was the killingest non-me web series host I have ever met. He shot Kev Jumba in half at the hotel party, blew my mind. Luckily I had an extra head with me. And the best part is, he's equally at home reciting real useful gun information, or just casually blasting some hostages in the face. Because in his words...
Fuck the hostage. He is a hostage. How did he get taken?
Infallible logic. Please don't shoot me. Oh good! The man who discovered life's unlock all weapons code doesn't particularly value humans. I am a professional rusher.
This is an AR-15. I love the 1911s. This is the AA-12. The Remington 700. This is my boom stick.
Here's a fun game. Try and guess which of these are FPS Russia video titles, and which are newspaper headlines about school shootings.
Hey, Phipps, you ever think of doing a video that didn't get flagged by the Department of Homeland Security? I bet you would make great haul videos.
Hey guys, I know I said I wasn't going to do any more of these, but I just got out of a long-term relationship, so I was feeling kind of bleh. So fuck it. Another haul video. Okay.
I got this shiny gun that could like, you could kill a human with it. I got this Luger I just kind of liked, just like an impulse buy. Here is grenade.
Pens, please come back to me, Britney. Pens, you are a loose cannon, Boris from Goldeneye. I am invincible! You know what?
I changed my mind. I'm sorry. We can't take the insurance liability. You're off the death squad. I can't work with a guy who's shown such wanton disregard for the lives of my fellow inanimate Americans.
Sick stuff. But also in the bad way, meaning disturbing. That mannequin was only 19 years from retirement. It's a shitty union the mannequins have. Flamethrower massacre. Where's the appeal? Kind of neat. But we had that crossbow.
And how many times do I have to say the DVD is not a coaster? Hey, I don't need to hear it.
Although thank you, that's very kind. I think you're a creative powerhouse too. I just wish that you would put your sodas on the little soda shelf that I built you.
Because it leaves ring. Because when I look at the DVD case and I see a ring on Walter's face, yes it hurts the enjoyment of the film from me, yes!
Wow. Where did that come from? I'm sorry. Everyone. I've got all this pent-up rage, you know? And just nowhere to vent it. Ugh, little homophobic. But thank you. I think I'm just going to engage my rage vents. Much better. Well, that about does it for this episode folks.
But before we go, let's blur the already fuzzy line between truth and perceived reality with a segment I'm calling Cody's Corner. Let's see what we can do. Thanks for watching, gang. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swain, and this has been Does Not Compute. Allow me to show you out. I know it's virtual, you're a virtual.
I don't care if it's low. I don't care if the shelf is low to the ground.
Stick out one of your little metal arm dealies, and oh, I know you have little metal arm dealies. Don't think that I'm asleep when you're doing that shit, dude. I know. I'm fine with it. Just not the sodas. Really, Ron Paul? You and your second amendment, Clippy. I swear. Well, that's a good point. Maybe I haven't done all the research you have.
Anyway, today's topic is The Deadliest Man on YouTube.
We couldn't get the electricity? So the persuameter's just normal. How are we gonna stop people from assailing the studio and ruining all of our nice things? We need to call in some backup.
And I know just the guy. FPS Russia. Cuz there's no one you want to have a bunch of guns more than a guy who equates life to a video game. I have a little pistol video.
Over here you have a Nazi zombie, and over here you have some kind of crazy Nazi beach. I first met Phipps at a Deadliness in New Media convention, and he was the killingest non-me web series host I have ever met. He shot Kev Jumba in half at the hotel party. Blew my mind. Luckily I had an extra head with me.
And the best part is, he's equally at home reciting real useful gun information or just casually blasting some hostages in the face. Because in his words... Fuck the hostage. He is a hostage. How did he get taken?
Infallible logic. Please don't shoot me. Oh, good. The man who discovered life's unlock all weapons code doesn't particularly value humans. I am a professional Russian.
This is an AR-15. I love the 1911s. This is the AA-12. The Remington 700. This is my boom stick. Here's a fun game.
Try and guess which of these are FPS Russia video titles and which are newspaper headlines about school shootings. Flame thrower massacre. Tased. Pepper sprayed and shot. Huge car explosion. Shooting while pepper sprayed. Ultimate Xbox destruction.
Hey, Phipps, you ever think of doing a video that didn't get flagged by the Department of Homeland Security? I bet you would make great haul videos.
Hey guys, I know I said I wasn't going to do any more of these, but I just got out of a long term relationship, so I was feeling kind of bleh. So fuck it. Another haul video. Okay.
I got this shiny gun that could like, you could kill a human with it. I got this Luger I just kind of liked, just like an impulse buy. Here is grenade.
Pens, please come back to me, Britney. Pens, you are a loose cannon, Boris from Goldeneye. I am invincible!
You know what, I changed my mind, I'm sorry. We can't take the insurance liability, you're off the death squad. I can't work with a guy who's shown such wanton disregard for the lives of my fellow inanimate Americans.
Sick stuff. But also in the bad way, meaning disturbing. That mannequin was only 19 years from retirement. It's a shitty union the mannequins have. Flame thrower massacre. Where's the appeal? Kind of neat. But we had that crossbow.
And how many times do I have to say the DVD is not a coaster? Hey, I don't need to hear it.
Although thank you, that's very kind. I think you're a creative powerhouse too. I just wish that you would put your sodas on the little soda shelf that I built you.
Don't use me. Because it leaves ring. Well, I know, because when I look at the DVD case and I see a ring on Walter's face, yes, it hurts the enjoyment of the film for me, yes. Wow, where did that come from?
I'm sorry, everyone. I've got all this pent-up rage, you know, and just nowhere to vent it. Little homophobic. But thank you. I think I'm just going to engage my rage vents.
Much better. Well, that about does it for this episode, folks. But before we go, let's blur the already fuzzy line between truth and perceived reality with a segment I'm calling Cody's Corner. Let's see what we can do. Thanks for watching, gang. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swain, and this has been Does Not Compute. Allow me to show you out.
I know it's virtual. You're a virtual.
I don't care if it's low. I don't care if the shelf is low to the ground.
Stick out one of your little metal arm dealies and... Oh, I know you have little metal arm dealies. Don't think that I'm asleep when you're doing that shit, dude.
I know. I'm fine with it.
Just not the sodas. |
dropout | boring_beer_for_boring_people_ch_shorts | You work hard, and when it's time to cut loose, you suck at it because you're boring. From the Sad Sacks who brought you 64-calorie beer and skinny margaritas comes boring beer. It's a new low-calorie beer for people who can't allow themselves to feel pleasure once in a while. Boring beer has so little alcohol that it begs the question, why drink it all?
It has all the flavor of the two plain hard-boiled eggs you had for breakfast.
I don't want to get drunk, but I'm worried what people would think of me if they see me only drinking water. What people think of me affects all of my decisions. If you spend a lot of time talking about index funds or leave your roommate's notes about cleaning, this is the beer for you. I work in finance, or at a startup, or as a social media director of a brand I don't love. Or something. I drink boring beer because breaking from what's normal means that people will notice me. Awful. Don't dance, or take a spontaneous trip, or try cooking something you've never made before, or tell someone how you really feel about them.
Drink boring beer instead. I tried a new beer not too long ago. It tasted like grapefruit, which terrified me to my very core. Plus, boring beer commercials are funny, and advertising is my North Star for what's good. I like how cold it is.
You never talk to your neighbors. You don't know any jokes. You can't remember the last time you finished a book you weren't assigned.
Pop open a cold one. But not too cold.
And to pay for your boring beer, there's the good credit card that gives you points. If you're being honest, your credit score is more important to you than some relationships. This is normal and good. You avoid certain neighborhoods because of their reputation, and you think that homeless people should work harder, or libertarianism makes sense to you, and you love outings. You live a life based on fear. Go out like it. They didn't tip.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
TheOnion | Brooke_Alvarez_Teaches_Us_How_To_Deal_With_Uninformed_People | I'm Bric Alverez, and while I may not acknowledge your presence in person, and if you try to approach me, you'll most certainly be hit in the face with the stinging nettles I carry on me at all times, I like to take a moment every now and again to answer your questions so that you can get to know the real me. Here's a tweet from atkurkamunga saying, what is the most important thing to remember when talking to people who may not be as informed as you? I love this question, kurkamunga.
There are three simple steps to dealing with uninformed people. First, when you realize that someone doesn't know something, repeat very loudly in their face the thing they don't know. For example, you don't know who the Prime Minister of Zimbabwe is? Second, look to everyone around you and let them know that this person is completely ignorant. Hey everyone, Sebastian doesn't know who the Prime Minister of Zimbabwe is. Third, you call up the Prime Minister of Zimbabwe and tell him that Sebastian doesn't know who he is, and then laugh really loudly until the ignorant person just leaves in utter shame.
Thank you so much for your question. If you'd like to ask me a question, just tweet it to my handle, atbrookalvarez, or post it to my Facebook wall. No question is too idiotic. |
TheOnion | Gaffe_Prone_Biden_Embarrasses_Nation_Yet_Again_By_Sneezing_During_Meeting | I'm Michael Coe, filling in for Clifford Bains, who knows too much and can't trust anyone. Well, Joe Biden's big mouth is getting him in trouble again. Yesterday, the gaffe-prone vice president made headlines by sneezing during a policy summit at the White House. Is this type of out-of-control behavior hurting the administration? Yeah, well, Biden's known for going off script, but this is an all-time low.
Exactly. This was a major event. Cameras are rolling, and you sneeze. What was he thinking? And it was so off message. You cannot sneeze like that. The world is watching. I really don't see how Biden could think a sneeze like that was appropriate.
Well, he doesn't think. That's it. He doesn't think.
The editorial page of The Wall Street Journal, which was devoted entirely today to the sneezing incident, has said that Biden is unfit to hold office. But I do think the sneeze is not going to have any major repercussions because people expect it. Biden is just a court jester.
He's there. He exists to be laid out. No, no, no. He's representing the United States of America. That's right. I don't even know why he was there, frankly. No, well, supposedly to discuss a new anti-poverty initiative that he created. Oh, please. Duncan, you've been blogging extensively about the sneeze since it first happened, and you say the task of defending Biden is going to fall on Obama. Exactly.
You really have to hand it to Obama because he handled this very well. He simply said, God bless you, and he moved on like it didn't even matter.
But you know in private that he was furious. He could get a big mouth Billy Bass to do a better job. I mean, it's a stupid, stupid error from a half-human spit-spewing gaff machine, but it's an error nonetheless.
The leaders of China and Russia are seeing the footage, and they are thinking that we are weak, and we are foolish. Well, this is all coming just two weeks after the incident of Biden stopping to tie his shoes during the international conference on renewable energy.
Please. You know what? People are fed up. They are thinking, why is he doing that? Why does he think that that's okay? Go do your job, stupid. This isn't day camp. And then there's the now infamous clip of Biden at the high-speed rail press conference. Oh. Look at that.
Blink, blink, blink. He's completely off the message. I can't even watch it. It's infuriating.
Biden, life is not a blinking contest. No, it's our fault for voting Obama into office alongside a half-retarded adult baby and then expecting the baby not to whine and sneeze and puke and shit. And tie his goddamn shoes in the middle of the hallway. The public doesn't want him as vice president anymore.
Yes. They want him beaten and whipped in public. He can sneeze on his own time, not when he's representing the United States of America. That's hot news. Hurry, before we come to our senses. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_comic_con_pt_2 | I'm your host Jeff Rubin, with me is the lovely Pat Kastles. Now, if there's one thing cooler than video games, it is of course comic books, which is why Jeff and I are at Comic Con tonight, we're the worlds of gaming and comics being. So you are here as Chun-Li? Yes. Now, you're a video game character at a comic book convention, do you feel like an outcast, like an outsider? Actually, no, because Omar Dagan did the art for the recent Legend of Chun-Li, which is a comic book, so no, not at all. This is the only place where you don't feel like an outsider for saying that. I think because it's broad spectrum geek genre.
I figured it was something that would be recognized, it's a pretty idyllic symbol. Has it been recognized? Constantly, I haven't been able to take 10 steps without getting a picture.
Shui, what is your opinion on the relationship between comic books and video games? We're here with Mike and Jerry, Gabe and Tycho from Penny Arcade, how you guys doing? So good. Why is it that comic books and video games are such good friends? You guys do a comic about video games, surely you must know something about the relationship between the two.
Do you know anything?
Well done. I think that it's mostly the people who enjoy them. I think that's what ties those two things together. The audience? Yeah, exactly.
I'm an anthropologist. I don't have any idea. I'm sorry, that's not very smart. I'm not a very smart person. Pretty good. I don't even know what anthropologist means.
And today's an exciting day for Ninja Turtles. Why is that? It's our 25th anniversary here for Shelabrating here at Comic Con. Over at the Ubisoft booth, they're having a Guinness World Record Challenge today because apparently there is not a record for the highest score on Turtles in Time. Hard to believe. You are kidding me. I want to meet the kid who started playing Turtles in Time arcade game the day it was released in all his life and has been leading up to this day.
This is like the final act of his movie. Are you excited about the upcoming Chun-Li movie? Do you think there's any way it could be better than the Jean-Claude Van Damme Street Fighter movie?
Well... No! No, it can't. That was a trick question.
But that movie's the ultimate. You're addressing the fact that you're a video game character with a player 2 icon. What's the reason behind that? Everyone here plays video games. I mean, if you're at a con, you're definitely a gamer.
What's that supposed to mean? Hold on. What's that supposed to mean?
No! You can't stereotype me.
You're at Comic Con and you're in a Pikachu class show. Oh, busted. Big deal. Come on, let's go. |
TheOnion | ClickHole_Man_Locks_Himself_In_Hot_Car_To_Prove_That_Babies_And_Dogs_Are_Cowards | what's up everybody mike b here so there's been a lot of stories recently about babies being left for hours in hot cars so i decided that i'm gonna lock myself in my own hot car just to show everyone out there that babies are weak little cowards who can't do something as simple as sitting in a hot car all right let's do this thing it's definitely gotten warm in here but who cares what babies have never gotten warm before oh look at me i'm a dumb little asshole who gets scared when it's warm my tiny heart is beating twice as fast just to regulate my body temperature are you kidding me babies is this the best you've got yes it's definitely gotten a lot hotter in here and yes i am sweating but unlike a stupid child i don't expect life to be a constant walk in the park sometimes you have to just suck it up and deal with it all right kids you know who else would probably be dead by now a dog dogs are pussies just balanced my checkbook staying in this hot car is turning out to be quite the productive day for me now this might come across as showboating but here's something else a child's too weak to do baby's tiny teeth would shatter before getting halfway through this thing i mean jesus these little guys can't even eat a goddamn carrot carrot psych that was my best toddler trapped in the back seat of a hot car for two hours impression you really can't count on your kids not to die in a hot car yep i'm still alive eat it babies okay three hours most moms would be returning right now to find a dead child but if they were returning to me they'd find a completely alive man well we've learned that sitting in a hot car is an incredibly easy thing to do if you're not a cowardly baby kids are pussies and can't do anything like and subscribe to watch next week where my friend sal shakes me and pushes on the crown of my head and i still don't die |
dropout | camp_straight_talk | What you've never had sex Dude, dude, how old are you? 14 what technically I shouldn't even be a counselor. Oh, dude. I was having so much sex when I was your age What's it like sex? Oh, it's unbelievable. It's just like you got Taking clothes off got boobs and there's an underwear you can get down there. It's like and everyone's like, oh my god You'll get there.
Trust me, man Don't believe it. I Haven't even held a girl's hand before no way. No, I try to hold their hands and they just they No, shut up.
Not you that Oh God poor kid What's wrong? What's it? What are you kidding me? He's acting totally gay man What I mean is when Brian gets the middle school, the kids are gonna totally bully him.
He's gonna get creamed I don't care they care. No, they don't care. They do care.
Trust me. I've been through it before You're good. I gotta say something. I am telling you Michael You were in autumn and that camp uniform is doing you no favors So when you get back home, I want you to maximize your Browns and your doll reds and your earth tones and just embrace it Okay, your Pisces live it live it. That's what I'm saying. Hey gays guys. Oh, hi Joshua It's it's just Josh Brian. Can we it's not just Josh your parents named you Joshua for a reason Shortening down to Josh makes you sound dumb and you're not dumb You are smart and strong and independent and fierce and sensitive. I've seen your artwork. It's magical your use of pastels blew me away Thanks, Brian, yeah, I'm really excited to put my portfolio to get no, uh Brian, I'm just what I'm trying to say is um We need to talk.
Can we set up a time for it? I just I promised the fellas we'd do a European cupcake bake session Milan only gave us an hour to use the oven So we're really up against the wall with our legs spread open on that right guys. Yeah You're pretty fired up about it.
I just don't Brian. I just don't want to see you get bullied You know what what I was going to say was Just Just have fun Don't stop me now I'm having a good time. I'm having a ball. Don't stop me now If you want to have a good time, just give me a call I'm having a good time. Don't stop me. Yes. I'm having a good time I wish I was gay Hey, if you like what you just saw right and subscribe oh how dude you oh my god Bees |
dropout | in_the_unlikely_event_ | evening passengers of flight 114 this is your pilot speaking we're approaching some rough weather patterns ahead and expect some turbulence so please look to the front of the plane as your flight attendants help us go over some air safety tips once again everyone please make sure your seat belts are securely and properly fastened and please note that in case of a water landing your seats can be used as a flotation device however in the unlikely event that we crash land in the mountains we would ask that you please refrain from resorting to cannibalism we have plenty of food to last all of us through the winter however in the unlikely event that it takes more than a few months for us to be rescued we have prepared a lottery system for deciding whom to eat passengers will be selected one at a time from economy class starting from the fattest they will filet and be served to the passengers in first class this will continue until we are saved or rerun out of economy passengers all right well we're entering a really bad part of this storm now so please don't be alarmed if we ever hit one nightmare it'll cause the lights to flicker but other than that it won't harm us one bit however in the unlikely event that a bolt of lightning strikes us and causes us to be sent through a rift in the space-time continuum transporting us to a lamb that time forgot a land where dinosaurs still roam the earth we will need to form a tribe I will be chieftain and the flight attendants shall be my brides as we attempt to populate this strange new world my first command to the tribe will be to find a good supply of flint for fire then the women will search for edible roots and berries while the men hunt for dinosaur meat gentlemen please keep in mind that some dinosaurs are quite dangerous and should not be hunted the t-rex velociraptor pterodactyl etc etc the ideal prey is the triceratops they provide a lot of meat and are fairly docile and easy to kill the key to strangling a baby triceratops is to grab it by the horns and pull back exposing the soft flesh of its neck then just stick your fist in there closing off its air supply until it goes completely limp then it's good eating for the whole tribe ladies and gentlemen I hate to inform you of this but a bird has just flown into one of our engines we are going to crash in a fiery long-lasting death everyone bow your heads please our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy tongue on earth as it is in heaven now in the unlikely event that your Christianity isn't the one true religion that covers us with the hebrews however just in case the muslims got it right |
TheOnion | Girl_Raised_From_Birth_By_Wolf_Blitzer_Taken_Into_Protective_Custody | Everyone is talking about the incredible story of Molly, the 10-year-old girl who was raised by Wolf Blitzer. That's right. Taken in as an infant, Molly then spent her whole life copying his language and behavior, becoming a kind of a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer in the process. Now, three months ago, Molly was taken into protective custody, and today she's here to share her story. Yes, she is. Molly joins us in the studio this morning alongside Dr. Kenneth Ives, the developmental psychologist who is devoting himself to her case.
Good morning, Dean Wolf. Thank you, Jim Haggerty, Tracy Gill. I really appreciate the chance to talk about my rather unique upbringing. Now, Molly, you've been through so much. Are you doing okay? Well, no question, Jim. It certainly is going to be difficult for me to answer society, so I am really looking forward to getting your perspective on the matter. Tracy Gill, co-host of Today Now, what's your take?
Well, I have to admit, it's a little hard to understand her. Yes, the only way she knows how to communicate is through Wolf Blitzer's colorless monotone. To me, always listing synonyms towards at the end of my sentences was just typical. Normal, par for the course. We are currently trying to teach her more human-like speech patterns.
Right, well, it sounds like he really cared for you. Well, Jim, I think it's open to debate if Wolf Blitzer has the ability to care for others, especially Dr. Ives might have some thoughts on that, but he's certainly protected. From what Molly has told us, it appears Wolf Blitzer raised her as if she were no different than him. We know he fed her lattes and altoids, taught her how to clean herself with a lint roller.
Amazing. You must be learning so much about the life of this extremely reticent anchor. We're joined now by our chief international correspondent, Christiane Amanpour, standing by live in Toronto.
No, Molly, I think I've overwhelmed her a bit. She likes to be the one asking me questions. Christiane, what's it like on the ground there? When Molly feels upset, she talks to her imaginary friend via satellite. Okay, stay safe down there, Christiane. No, it's sort of a coping mechanism.
Okay. Well, it's just been so great to talk to you both this morning. Jim Haggersey, Tracy Gill, we hope you know how to do that. No, Molly, I'm sorry. I guess we're done here.
Another breach in airport security. Molly, look at me. Are our skies safe? The eye-opening results of a new study.
Molly, stop it, Molly. Congressional Republicans preferring for a fight on Capitol Hill. Molly, remember, you are here. You are Molly. But are they going too far? You are Molly.
We'll hear from both sides. Well, thank you so much, Dr. Ives and Molly. Make sure you look for Dr. Ives' fascinating new book about Molly. It's called Among the Wolf, and it's in bookstores right now.
A lot of networks report the news as it happens, but only one has the power to report the news before it happens. Through our state-of-the-art wormhole satellite, the Onion News Network Future Channel brings you exclusive news transmissions from the year 2137. Because to stay ahead in today's world, you need to know what's going to happen in tomorrows. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_239_We_Got_The_Chocolates | It's a lovely day up here in the Diamantina for once, the sun's out, the sun is shining. It's actually the first day of summer up here, I'm not sure how it is in the southern states that have daylight savings, but up here in Queensland it's summer for half the year, isn't it Wendell? It is, the sun is shining, the weather is sweet.
We are blowing smoke though, I'd say, the silly season has started to bite, a lot of events on one of the league's club last night which was quite large. And yeah, first day of summer as we're recording on Desert Rock FM, people listening to us know it's the first day of summer, podcasts, not sure when you're listening to it. It is the greatest time of the year because politics gets put in the back of the wardrobe and out come the party shirts, the t-shirts, short shorts, board shorts, any type of shorts, any type of t-shirt. The rum and cokes on the company card. That's what comes out.
This is the time of the year when the lefties and the conservatives become friends again. And then they fight on Christmas day and unceremoniously stop being friends.
And you'll get one hour of this fucking stupid boat race you want to watch because we're watching the cricket for most of the day. So that's all Mike. Oh, you're talking about the Sydney to Hobart. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's a boat race, isn't it? What? Mate, I think that's why we should get these new subs here quickly so we can sink all those toffs on their expensive boats. The Sydney to Hobart is the only boat you need.
Anyway, we have an esteemed podcast guest in the studio today. Much, much, much bigger than us. Huge, yeah. Podcast game, social media game. He's a titan of it. His name is Lee Drennan. He's from the We Got the Chocolates podcast, which I'm sure anyone on TikTok will have seen. Most people on Instagram probably will have seen. And a lot of people will have listened to. On YouTube. There's a couple of videos there with over a million views, I mean. It's mind boggling stuff.
And before we say hello to Lee, I just want to read out a couple of stats. We Got the Chocolates, based around cricket. Now Lee Drennan here, 415 career matches, great cricket, 10,680 runs. We're getting into Ricky Ponting, Sachin Tendulkar, Alan Porter, over 10k runs, 680. I mean, I wonder if there is retirement thinking here. He's got over the 10k batting average of 30.6, not bad at all, high score 179. That's 168 more than I've scored in a single innings. How's his red ball work? 14 wickets, not as many.
So we were talking. Not exactly a Jacques Callas. No.
I think maybe every 50 innings he's pinching one, a lot of catches as well. Best bowling though, 3 for 13. So if he wants to turn it on, he clearly can. Current season, 298 runs, coming off a handy 46 in the men's first grade competition against Sandgate Redcliffe a couple of months ago. So close, but you know, so far.
Lee Drennan, Lee Drennan, thanks very much for joining the podcast. No worries guys, thank you so much for having me and for walking me down.
I don't know when my cricket started recording, but that's a lot more runs than I thought I'd got. Well, I can tell you they've got some stats there from 2008, 2009, and you were in the fifth grade team there, and obviously every single stat this season is from the first grade team for the Redland Tigers Cricket Club. Yeah, I know for my cricket, I only put in my first and middle name, so none of my mates be able to find me.
Good idea. I just couldn't deal with that pressure of having people at work, having my family, having my mates constantly looking at my my cricket. Actually, it's very smart because one of my favourite pastimes is that when, you know how like someone will put up cricket highlights or something and then say oh well about it, minus yesterday, 100 or whatever, there's always people that will get on and spray like who's getting picked or we get it a lot for the Brisbane Heat and the players that come on and go why isn't this guy getting picked or this guy and then like, you know, very much experts, and then my favourite thing to do is look up their my cricket stats. Screenshot it and comment it back and go I reckon you probably don't know what you're talking about. You average 0.2 in sixth grade. Yeah, it's the definition of the larger man sitting on the couch yelling at the TV telling professional sports players how to do things. Yeah, no, it's like I'm in this park competition now, now that my grade days are behind me and you recognise certain people from your grade comp who come down there and pretend to miss the ball a couple times and then as soon as they get a decent ball that's actually moving a bit, their eyes just completely just change and they just absolutely like on the off the back foot and just hit it anywhere they want and then it's like I can see I can see the cricketer in you. I mean like you're not fooling anyone except everyone on the other team. Oh yeah, no, I don't know if I'd be able to go back like after playing first grade for lots of years, I don't know if I'd enjoy going back and playing like. Like if you went back to last man's game. Yeah, I just don't know how I'd go. I have a funny feeling in your mind, oh yeah, it's terrible, oh no, I just smacked another three covers. Yeah, that's the thing exactly, like imagine how good it would make you feel about yourself. We have to score 40 off the last two overs and they have a guy up there who's like an obese version of Ashley Giles just giving you these fucking big moon balls.
Yeah, actually I might start next year. I think you'd find a way to have a good time. Yeah, absolutely.
I do like that you were talking about cricketers fooling people and you were saying there you actually don't know when my cricket started doing stats and you weren't aware when your stats first went in there. That seems like as a great cricketer it seems like a bit of a fibber feel like every single cricketer is across every single stat at that kind of level.
No, you're probably there. Yeah, I'd be guilty of that. Definitely.
I would spend a lot of time on a Saturday evening usually sort of going through not only my scores but certainly other people's from the comp and a bit of comparing and now my cricket's doing video replays of our wickets as well. Yeah, that's changed. That's the sports thing now. All sorts of suburban sports now you can get highlight packages from a div three rugby game. I don't know why you need highlights packages and look if you've got a committed coach They can be analysing you know the different things that's going on at the breakdown or things that are going on in the ruck in rugby league. It's really it's democratised sport I think everyone can feel they can feel like a professional actually you don't feel like a professional because you watch it and you think the way you run or the way you do something is like the guys on TV because that's what you're used to watching but it's not like that at all. Do you find that of the wickets or yourself playing? Yeah, definitely.
I mean, yeah, I've seen lots of wickets that are genuinely quite comical that you look at and be like how the heck is that happening? There was a video that I found via just searching through my cricket of batsmen just two batters just running into each other like massive collision run out like this is in first grade cricket too so it's yeah it's definitely very funny to watch some of the some of the dismissals that you see like you know you probably wouldn't say that at the highest level I don't think. Yeah I was a part of one like that started this year where I was playing with a mate of mine who's the definition of a park cricketer and he wanted to run you know a very tight two and I ran the first one and I was like nah no way like I'd already run past the stumps and he turned around and was running towards me going no no no no no no and I was like no no no no no no you go back and he ran back and I was in the middle and I was like mate like he called no and then ran. Yeah it's not the best not the ideal for running between wickets that's for sure.
Did you give him a spray? Didn't have to surely oh no he just copped it. No well like it's like you can yell at a cat for shitting in the yard you know it's at the end of the day it's a cat. Should have rubbed his nose in it. It'll shit where it wants. You should have rubbed his nose in it.
Now Lee before we talk about your very successful podcasts how are the Redland Tigers Cricket Club going this year? Oh yeah good actually but probably I mean you can probably note the surprise in my voice there we have done better than expected we obviously have a lot of very good players that play for Redlands. Marnus, Labashane, Sam Howser, Jimmy Pearson, James Basley all sort of contracted players but because they're contracted we never see them so they've played not many games for us at all this year so yeah it's usually when we lose those players it starts to get quite difficult to fill them to fill the spaces but I think we're sitting at fourth at the moment and in a decent position in this game at the moment I'll fly back on Friday I'm not out on 11 at the moment I'm not sure if you picked that up so yeah we bowled Gold Coast out for 205 last week and we had two for 84 so in a decent position if we can win that then we're probably looking like we're sitting close to Christmas in like the top two or three which is would be yeah probably exceeding expectations I think for our cattle that we've got this year. So what's it like when someone like Marnus comes back into the fold like does he get a special treatment or anything or no I wouldn't say he usually he's captaining us now when he comes back which is which is good so he opens the batting and the bowling and no he still bats it three actually he definitely does open the bowling he loves his medium paces rates them very highly and they are quite useful to be fair no but no special treatment it's obviously very serious it's pretty awesome to have him come back especially because I've played lots of cricket with guys that have played for Australia or state cricketers that come back to great cricket and think like I think like Adam Zamp has openly said I hate great cricket whereas Marnus is like the opposite of that he just loves I feel Adam Zamp hates cricket in general like he's like a guy who's just he's a firefight like he's just doing the work he's I think he was like fuck I've been contracted yeah why am I so inconvenient I was like I'd much rather have an office job 100% whereas Marnus is the opposite of the hill and like I think a couple of weeks ago we were playing great cricket and Marnus was there at 8 o'clock in the morning just to have a hit in the morning he just got our coach side on to him like in preparation for playing the test he seems like he really likes cricket a lot yeah that's you know like he'd just be happy playing cricket even if he's not getting paid 100% he'd be like garage cricket we've played at his house plenty of times he just he genuinely does love it he'll turn anything into a into a game so usually when there's an opportunity to come back and play for Redlands he actually takes it which is pretty cool.
Do you ever have to hogpile him and squash his guts out of his arse? No we've never never had the the opportunity to do it with I mean in fantasy growing up Marnus was fairly annoying I think I can say that as his mate. Have you always been doing that no run?
No not as much with the no run I don't think but just general mannerisms and like he was just a high-pitched squeaky voice that never shut up sort of thing I played against him as like a 19 year old and our team hated him with a passion he seems quite quite hyper yeah he's like he seems like the kid at school who like sees a stick when you're walking somewhere and picks it up and then starts hitting you on the back of the legs or just throwing things at you all the time or he does like weird voices yeah but then when I started playing with him I realized that he's the guy that you want on your team because he's just so hard to bat when he's just yabbering in the background sort of thing so he's a great teammate. He's also got a really good hand eye as well which helps. They're a very good cricketer which is also the other thing you're looking for in a cricket team I guess is people that possess skills that are helpful and he does have that which is also useful yeah no look I mean annoying mate who I had annoying mates like that I feel like he would annoy me but he is the guy that you want to have around you and you want to have on your team and I think your teammates actually teammates love him like I know commentators and stuff would find him excessive he did something yesterday that would I think Jason hold a ball like a good ball to him oh yeah that's a delicious ball Jason he does weird stuff like that all the time.
That's good Jason. I played in a game with him where I was batting with him and he hit he hit the ball to cover and said yes napping as in like the fielder was asleep he just does weird stuff like that all the time. That's really good. Yes napping.
Were you mates with him before cricket or through cricket? Yeah through cricket we met definitely through through Redlands Cricket Club as well. I often wonder with him does he have any other hobbies because you see all the stuff about him practicing with you know the golf balls and the garage cricket and all that sort of stuff but does he have anything else?
He's freakishly good at lots of things like loves coffee it's that's his biggest hobby I reckon like unbelievable. It sounds like he doesn't need any coffee. No that's right so but we don't decaf now. So passionate so passionate about his coffee but he's a freak it like he gets right into tennis and golf and like other other sporting stuff most certainly.
Frustratingly good at everything. Yeah like he when COVID hit he just pretty much because all everything got cancelled and like lockdowns and what you guys probably experienced lockdown worse than what we did but in Queensland it would be lockdown but you're allowed somehow tennis was okay because he was standing I guess one on one and you were standing far enough apart so me pretty much like he started hitting with John Millman who's a proper tennis player was just like they were going down and playing against each other every Thursday and stuff like he basically turned into like an actually good tennis player for for that sort of four month period so he's a guy that's frustrating at how competitive he is and then how good he is at everything as well so terrible to play against. Yeah that's frustrating.
Now he's obviously a celebrity that comes back and plays at your cricket club every now and then but given the success of the podcast and social media is there almost an argument to be made now that Lee Drennan is more of a celebrity and more known in cricket circles than say Amarnus Labichain? Are you the celebrity on the team? I don't think so not quite I think I've got the he's got quite a social media presence too actually Amarnus I think but I know that I certainly get I know it's well known we got the chocolates that's for sure because I get sledged about it every week that I'm batting into being one to put on the podcast story to put on the podcast that sort of thing yeah yeah I did want to know what do they get you with what's the common one like oh that would be on the podcast here he comes one for a story I had a great one last year where we're playing against Senegate and I walked out to bat into 2020 and they had like their supporters day so there were like piss bikes everywhere sitting there and as I walked out to bat they played the intro of our podcast through like the speaker system that's which was fairly off-putting to be honest I've never experienced that before they were grilling me and then I got run out in that game and got one of the loudest send-offs I've ever received so that was good fun yeah but I get I certainly get to mention lots but I think mostly positively which is useful well there's not that many people that are going geez your podcast is shit maybe they will now after they listen to this no because that'd probably rattle me I'd find it hard for people to listen and say that shit and find negative things to say about it no it's a lot of fun but yeah well certainly well uh well we the place Mitch and I who were brothers got recognized the most was in uh thread bow for some reason we can't work it out we went down for a snow trip and I think because we were together and the mustaches together and stuff we people just came up to us all the time like jockeys like they were real happy with it whereas I think when we're apart in Brisbane people are like you know is that I think no yeah yeah I also think that I think the Queenslanders have better manners yeah as opposed to yeah all these people from the cold country they're you know shameless Queenslanders love winners too and you're a winning podcast so yeah they're on the bandwagon like Brisbane Lions Queenslanders respect successful things enough to not interact with yeah and then also very quick to jump off when they're unsuccessful yes that's very that's what they will do quite quickly so then to make sure that we keep putting out content would only take two weeks I think and people would forget about you case in point Brisbane Broncos yeah exactly that's exactly right so tell us a bit about the birth of the podcast I mean it was just back in 2019 yeah it was yeah exactly and at that stage it was an ultimate like I don't even think podcasts were that big in 2019 like there were a couple that we'd sort of listen to and go like oh this is good but I'd emceed lots of weddings for like my mates and stuff yes that was sort of where I had started and people would always come up to me afterwards and be like oh you gotta gotta do this like full-time yeah it's like I don't think I want to be a full-time wedding emcee especially because the reason I'm good at emceeing is because I know the people yeah can't emcee just random I would find that real punishing trying to go with it some random oh yeah I don't know anything about these two people but obviously they're great and wonderful wedding night and so that didn't really appeal to me but then people had sort of spoken about like I'll get on the radio or something like that so it'd been like put into my brain a couple times but I did nothing with it obviously and then to the idea of podcasting became a bit of a thing that we again talked about for probably six months without doing anything and we went down and watched the mighty Brisbane Lions in Melbourne Mitch and I and our other mate James and that was the first time if you go back and listen to the first We Got The Chocolates podcast episode it was recorded like on that macbook that was our microphone between three of us it's the worst audio quality you could possibly hear ever and that was the first the first episode we uploaded and now I think we've done yeah like 159 we just released yeah and certainly more frequent and far better quality of audio output at least a lot of very good video quality output also yeah it's almost like the podcast now itself is is like you know just one cog in a in a watch really I mean like you've got a giant presence on Instagram and as Wendell said the TikToks and on YouTube as well yeah well that's what we like to think of it and I think that's the point we'd like to get to is we definitely started as a podcast to be fair but then wanted to branch out and do skits and things on on social media so I guess we now sort of think ourselves as like yeah like you said like that that's sort of one content bucket or one arm of our kind of media our media presence I guess and we've got stuff on YouTube and TikTok and Instagram and even Snapchat we got on I've been on Snapchat for 10 years but we've got to cross under that yeah look yeah unless you're under the age of 21 I think there's yeah maybe only one or two reasons you might be on Snapchat yeah great reasons I wanted to ask there's a few different I guess content pillars or segments you have in the podcast all very popular one of the big ones that does very well in a video format does very well on social media is the dad jokes yeah seems like an endless list of dad jokes where do you go to dip into that well of dad jokes yeah well that excuse that again that sort of started from just a personal interest that when I went to England to play cricket in 2012-2013 it rained every day and both summers they said was the worst wettest summer they've ever had that's what everyone in England kept telling me I was I'm pretty sure they would say that every year to the people that come over so we had eight games of cricket rained out out of a possible 16 or whatever so it meant that I had a lot of spare time and I just started I'd always enjoyed the art of making stupid puns and so I just started memorizing dad jokes basically and put as many in the memory bank as possible so that if they'd ever come up in conversation I could just rip them out and so that that was something that I was always quite passionate about and something that I did in those like when I was emceeing weddings would you know get get the stupid like I did something where my mate was like a real keen fisherman so I told the story of how him and his wife met which was completely fictional but I just changed everything to fishing puns like and so I guess that with a dad joke format if we just thought well we didn't it makes us laugh which might not make anyone else laugh but we wanted to try it then and that was just we couldn't have imagined how well that went basically because some of those videos I've just said like there's ones with 25 million views and stuff there which is not really what we were thinking was going to occur but yeah with the con I think you can the thing is now we've heard so many that that like you want to tell people ones that they haven't heard before so it's getting harder and harder to definitely go and get ones that you're like oh geez I don't know how this is going to work and a lot of them will actually try and ride ourselves but they're usually like the real shit ones but then sometimes even that can create like sometimes they're that bad yeah I feel like sometimes the shitter the dad joke almost the better it is you just get that groan reaction a lot of comedians say they get hit up you know when they're bumping into someone on the street or at a pub or a bar or whatever and and people bail them up and go like tell us a joke or say something funny yeah do you get bailed up for dad jokes give us a dad joke yeah not yeah whenever we've been out in Brisbane and stuff that people would always the funniest probably more than that we always get people come up and tell us ones oh yeah often ones that we've already put up as videos so you kind of don't know how to react a lot well yeah like I know that one yeah like you heard the one about the encyclopedia and the fucking uh the Guinness Book of World Records that's the best joke ever that's the best if you haven't seen it go on on YouTube and watch it it's gonna be really hard to eclipse I think that one yeah I still remember when that got told the Guinness Book of World Records one just sitting there I was in the background just laughing like straight away I was like imagine there's someone who may not have heard that joke um for the listeners out there oh yeah can someone give it to me yeah I'm gonna say it for Christmas no I'm asking for a friend uh what what you want me to tell you I think I could retell it couldn't I yeah uh so it goes um so my penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records yeah but then the librarian asked me to take it out okay that is very good this is just a real quick one that you can deliver it it's not quite the way that you think it's gonna go no a little pivot a little twist um that is very good yeah and so what's plans next for the podcast for you four guys um dreams of cricket he's lit he's still he's still with the heat isn't he yeah still hate contracted absolutely is with and the balls at the moment I think they've got a queens and balls got a one day game yeah uh coming up as well or another shield game I think at the gabba before it goes into the the hate stuff so yeah his appearances are becoming harder and harder because a lot of cricket over the over the big bash period I guess it would be so hectic as like a full-time big bash play like fuck there's a lot of games so many and it goes for a long time I don't think there's enough I want one every day for the calendar it's a lot of air miles two in a day yeah yeah I mean like I imagine having to go to Perth three times in the same year yeah decent decent trip and potentially face like frequent floor 18 to 19 balls all up yeah that's the frustrating thing I think 2020 cricket as well it's very hard to know whether you're in form or out of form sometimes like if you're in middle order battle yeah but at five or six you come in and face the last three balls of an innings like three games in a row and then one game they're full for 10 and you're expected to get get runs it's quite a hard gig I also find it funny that they um you see them doing like fitness training I don't really know like what for like you're bowling maximum four overs you might be even if you're out there for 15 it's a bit of running between well it's but mate that was like as we all know that was one thing that a lot of Australian spin bowlers and uh John Buchanan didn't see eye to eye on I mean like that's when a lot of Australian spin bowlers like I mean like there was that one thing you know in Warnie's book where he was going on about that like he had to go and do this preseason stuff where he had to carry a jerry can full of water up a sand dune and he was like mate I stand at first and I bowl leggies why do I need to run up and down a sand dune it's a very apt question seeing as we are segwaying into cricket I should get grab your thoughts on the summer of cricket how are you feeling about what's coming up uh I'm excited for the South Africa series I think that'll be a better test of where I'd I feel like West Indies are not in tip-top shape at the moment and also I didn't understand them starting on a Wednesday yesterday that seems strange I thought Thursday starts earliest it can possibly be in the week I think because people are more inclined to take days off on a Thursday or Friday Wednesdays like I think that they uh they must have had a word to the curators there I think they were like yeah I definitely think there'll be some play on day five so you could have that on a Sunday yeah okay yeah that might be it yeah so I think there's going to be a lot of batting and a lot of bowling on this pitch but right because that is extremely risky isn't it taking the first test West Indies here and going we're starting on Wednesday yeah yeah chance it doesn't get to the weekend really I don't know what the batting is going to be like well yeah I can't see a declaration coming today they're going to try and get 800 for those who are listening yeah yeah and we should note if you are listening in potentially 10 days to two weeks time is recorded on the start of the second day of the first test but I think it's fair to predict that it might be two comfortable victories off the back of a comfortable ODI series against England which also seemed that was a bit of a gap filler yeah yeah well at least they're a good team yeah but they really weren't during that one day and they are a good team but they played the fifth strength team their hearts wasn't in it no so it did seem like a little bit of a odd yeah just an odd timing after the there was just no time for it they've finished the 2020 world cup they had this series coming up England goes home and they're preparing for a test series as well they should have just got to leave on a high after winning the world cup let them go on a band let them go down to Bondi for a few days and they have that's a game on a Tuesday yeah I think that the one day format gets a bit of a bad rap but I think a lot of it comes from the governing bodies that are just like it's always kind of thought of as like an afterthought really because I really like one day cricket I think it's made enjoy it it's on par with tests yeah I mean it is like the greatest challenge for a cricketing team I mean like it takes like tactics and things like that whereas I suppose like for a t20 it's it's almost anyone's game from the get-go a t20 sort of the format that people that don't like cricket can get involved in they can market towards building the building the audience which is important as well like that yeah yeah that's obviously that's a good thing but then yeah I just think one day cricket for for actual cricket fanatics and people that have grown up with the game and like it I think one day cricket's awesome yeah I really do because it's enough time for you to score hundreds so still have like you know enough time to sort of go at like a runner ball and just bat well yeah as 2020 becomes quite sort of high pressure and get everything really quickly and then you're bowling but then also like the new ball swings and you can see you can see bowlers sort of rip games open as well I think it gets a bad rap and obviously like you said gets not prioritized it's sort of test cricket 2020 cricket and then one days is a bit of an afterthought but I think it'd be quite sad if it continues to follow that trend and we don't play any one-day cricket the thing that I have against one-day cricket at the moment is it's not on fucking free-to-air tv yeah well that is a debacle but that's been a massive palaver hasn't it we're supposed to have anti-siphoning laws which means national teams uh available for people to see on free-to-air tv but um given the man who owns uh fox sports runs significant parts of the country that isn't the case and so we can't get on free-to-air but they're renegotiating the rights and there's some chat about channel potentially getting it and so maybe you have some of the big bash on paramount plus but the other stuff goes on free-to-air because I mean we're getting big bash games on free-to-air all the time but we can't get one day international yeah I mean like I just thought the best way like how it worked all those years ago was that every game that was here was on the tv and everything that was overseas was on fox yeah yeah and that's unless sbs randomly got the rights to the ashes yeah that was cool 2005 yeah yeah it was a massive sbs fan yeah right on board yeah I agree it's crazy that it's not and yesterday obviously the test match cricket turned on channel seven but I know that that's been an ongoing feud over the last however long hasn't it the channel seven versus cricket australia so I don't know if that's ever going to get resolved or if it ends up going to channel 10 I thought channel 10 did it and I know sometimes it doesn't matter because all the same commentators end up channel like going to whichever channel anyway but I thought channel 10 when they had the big bash did an awesome job of it yeah in terms of bringing it to life and I would say that the viewership there was probably at its highest then I think they probably had the right amount of games then as well whereas now it seems like they go forever that was when I felt like I did have a vague interest in the big bash and I was genuinely kind of keeping across it at that channel 10 reduced schedule time but well then you're more chance of getting overseas players for the whole time that's what's such a farce about it at the moment overseas players can only come for half of it yeah so then you end up signing one overseas a tier for four games and then the next one comes for six or like it whereas at the start it was if an overseas player came they came for the whole thing which I think is needs to change really and if we're going longer we've got guys in great cricket who've made 10 000 runs well that's really you know who are ready for a call up anytime soon ready yeah I mean yeah 2020 not I don't know what my strike doesn't do strike right there on my cricket doesn't it I think that's probably what lets me down slightly sometimes for in terms of big bash contracts yeah yeah but I mean five for 70 I'll bout the 20 for us don't worry about that well Lee thank you very much for making the trip out here to Patuta thanks for coming on the podcast and for all the listeners if they want to get around an enjoyable podcast they want to get around those dad jokes they want to laugh along we got the chocolates on all platforms we got the chocolates everywhere we fixed that it was four different things at the start yeah now it's just ah we got the chocolates and you'll find us anywhere I think pretty much unless it's like a really nice even snapchat even snapchat find them on wicker um thanks very much for joining the podcast enjoy the summer of cricket and uh good luck this weekend hopefully that 11 knot out turns into a little bit more I'll send you a screenshot from my mind cricket of what I turned that into don't worry we'll be keeping it I'll be keeping it more than 12. Thanks very much thank you so much of course |
PhilomenaCunkOn | cunk_on_food | Was there ever a plan to give out free crisps? I don't think they've ever given out or thought about giving out free crisps. Although I quite like crisps. I love crisps. I don't think many people would argue that you can't have a decent life without free crisps. I think I'd kill myself if I couldn't have crisps.
It was an apparently irresistible spread, like Nutella. The Quran says, accumulating knowledge is a worthy act. So Islamic mega nerds created the first universities and libraries and gave them all the world's knowledge, which at that point could probably fit into one pamphlet, to be fair.
The ancient Egyptians thought that onions were medicine, but they're not. They literally didn't know their onions. And that's where we get the phrase from. Of course, today, we now know that onions are not a medicine. Onions are disgusting.
Tudor feasts were huge and often included roast goose or swan or peacock, basically a big bird roasted whole. That might sound traumatic, but in the days before television, they didn't know big birds have a person inside. To find out more about Tudor eating habits, I spoke to food expert Jay Rayner. So what sort of things did Tudor people eat at Christmas? They ate things like peacock, didn't they? What goes with peacock?
What kind of grave?
There is evidence that they ate, you know, very exotic things, but that would have been the very, very richest people. What's the best thing about them as well, is that tail, and that's not going to taste of anything, is it? No, that's purely for display, yeah.
A Tudor Christmas, then, they'd have peacock, like you say. No, I think like you said. The royals had peacock. I don't know how much peacock was eaten in Tudor days, I'll be honest.
How did that affect their bowels, you know, what comes out of their back holes? I don't know. I suppose if they were eating too much, it would have caused certain bowel issues.
I suppose meat, lots of meat. Lots of meat can... compacted together. Can compact, yes.
And they're sort of big, hard stools. It would have been uncomfortable, I imagine, but I'm only guessing.
But, see, that would have been the first bit that I'd gone to if I was a food expert. The early farmers grew wheat and learned to bake bread. They also grew barley, peas and lentils, so they could have made a passable vegan burger to put inside the bread. But luckily, they didn't have to.
Because they'd also invented this, the fence, a high-tech wooden machine for containing animals. Humans quickly enslaved sheep, chickens, goats and their number one enemies, the cows. Farms became a lot like zoos. Except, of course, in a zoo, you can't pick out an animal you like the look of and kill it and eat it. Unless, perhaps, the zoo itself is struggling financially and the owners lost all hope.
The world's getting hotter, isn't it? But how can we stop ourselves from turning into steam? What do we do? Shall we just start eating more salad and stuff like that? It's certainly true. We will have to adapt to a warmer climate. And we will probably have to eat different things. Ice cream and stuff. Well, certainly, as the world gets warmer, you know...
Probably going to be an ice ban, though, isn't it? So we can't have ice lollies. I don't think so. It's not that bad.
Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking, why do we cry when it's the onions that are getting hurt? If we give starving people a load of money, how do we know they're not just going to go out and blow it all on food? If you're dealing with something like famine, you're always dealing through an intermediary who will be making sure the right food reaches the right people.
Do you have to be careful about people that might have, like, peanut allergies? Because some people haven't tried nuts before, have they? That's a very interesting issue, whether or not peanut allergies are a sort of first-world problem.
Um... I don't know. What an interesting thought. Thank you.
It was a disagreement over money, basically. It's like the situation between me and my ex, Sean. When we used to get a takeaway, or take-out, as you'd call it, sometimes, you know, he would always insist that we go halves, and yet he would want to buy things like onion barges, which he knows I hate, and they made his breath stink. Mm. So, but I had to pay for half of that. That doesn't seem fair to me, does it to you? Put that way, no. No, and that's from a professor, Sean.
How did Sir Walter Raleigh invent the potato? Well, he didn't invent the potato, in that I think that anyone actually has ever invented a root vegetable, cos they're obviously being cultivated and used by people living in the Americas when he arrived there. When Sir Walter Raleigh first saw potatoes, was he scared of them? I think that when Sir Walter Raleigh first saw potatoes, not that we've any documented records on the moment when he first beheld a potato or a field of potatoes, but I don't think he was scared of them. This is a buccaneering character, and I think that he probably was able to take on and manage his emotions whilst engaging with potatoes at first sight. We still celebrate potatoes to this day by buying and eating them. It's amazing to think that Queen Elizabeth was the first British monarch to be impressed by a baked potato, and the last.
What was the Soviet onion? Well, I think you're labelling under a misapprehension, and you probably mean the Soviet Union. No, it's onion. I saw it on a bit of paper earlier. Well, it's probably been misspelt, or you can't read very well, but I think that you mean, in historical terms, the Soviet Union, or the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Well, I don't want to be rude, but I think your man's explaining a bit. Can we stick to the topic of the Soviet onion, please?
OK. What exactly was it? If you don't know, it's OK to say, you know, I won't judge you.
Well, if you want to talk about sort of Russian Soviet vegetables, we can. I mean, it was a deeply agrarian country, and so there were lots of onions, lots of potatoes, lots of other things. Did they have turnips? I think so. Cheap, easy to grow, hardy, great in a stew. So how come you know so much about vegetables? Have you got an allotment?
Why can't we get medicine crisps? You know, because no-one likes needles, and everyone likes crisps.
Well, there's a thing called the risk-benefit ratio. So whenever we do anything to a patient, we have to weigh up the harm we're doing, as opposed to the good we're doing, and there's always an outside. And if we had medicine crisps, I think the amount of carbohydrate and fats and salt we'd be taking in with the crisps would outweigh the good that's done by the medicine.
So I think that's a very good idea, actually. Right. And, like, if you had, like, Monster Munch, that wouldn't work as well as medicines? Sorry, Monster Munch. Could you explain that to me? It's like a puffy crisp. They're lovely. You can get, like, pickled onion and beef. Right. Again, I'd have to weigh up the risk-benefit ratio of what did you call the Monster... Monster Munch. Monster Munch, mixed with the medicine, the bad it would do versus the good. Right.
Hello, I'm Philomena Conk, and this is my new range of pasta sauces. I've got wheat-free pesto, reggae enchilada and jerk tuna, along with 35 other delicious flavours. Oh, yeah, I've got a book out as well. Conk on everything. Out November 1st. Buy the pasta sauces, though, cos I'm really proud of those.
What was Renaissance? Was that a sort of 16th-century ketchup? Renaissance comes from the French. Renaissance, Renaissance. Renaissance is birth, so it was seen as a rebirth.
So it's not a condiment at all? No, not as much, I know. OK. What sauces did they use back then? So this is an area of colony history I'm not very familiar with, the history of sources. Oh, so you're not the sauce person? I'm not predominantly a sauce person.
We're going to have to rethink this whole interview. Why do I have to actually come and film this? Couldn't a computer just show it on the telly in the simulation?
Or is that where I am? You know, do I exist at all? Why is this happening? Why isn't it just me eating a chocolate eclair in a loop, back in a gif?
I'd swap for that. Could you talk me through what makes a perfect Christmas dinner? Once you've got the right people around the table, you need a light starter. If you give people too much to...
Not prawn cocktails. No, no. Well, I don't know, a good prawn cocktail's a lovely thing. I don't like prawns. Do you not? No, they're bottom feeders. OK, I tend to do platters of charcuterie, salami and ham and maybe some pickles and things for people to pick at.
Yeah. You wouldn't have that? No. OK.
And then you come to the main event. So, maybe a three-bird roast or a roast goose.
Uh, bread sauce gravy. I don't understand bread sauce. It's a great way of making a really savoury sauce. Bread and sauce are two completely different things, aren't they? Well, they are, but you can grind the bread down and then cook it in milk to make a really good sauce.
It just looks like sort of... Cheers. |
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