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dropout | don_t_trash_talk_new_york_hardly_working | Temecula sounds so fun! I'm from Philly. Oh, that's great! Wow. Brennan, where are you from? I'm from New York.
Ugh. That awful place. Helltown for bastard people.
Patrick, what about you? Oh, I'm from Cincinnati, Ohio.
I bet that's nice. Why do you bet that's nice?
It's hometown. I was just trying to be polite. You weren't polite about where I'm from. You called it a hell town for bastard people. Yeah. Brennan, you're from New York. It's okay to be polite. You weren't polite about where I'm from. You called it a hell town for bastard people. Yeah. Brennan, you're from New York. It's okay to be rude when you're talking about New York.
I mean, it is a rotten, tattered asshole full of wretched horrors. I went there once in a four-hour field trip, and it wasn't what I liked. I went there once, and there was a trash on the ground. A whole trash? A whole trash on the ground.
Okay, and what about the subway? The subway. Don't get me started on the subway. Brennan, are you listening? We're making fun of the place where your family lives and the place that made you who you are. Because it has the subway, which we don't like.
Interesting. Rekha, how does Philly handle its 24-hour public transit system? Well, we don't have 24-hour public transit systems. Well, you don't have that. Fascinating. You don't have that. See, in New York, we have a public transit system that transports millions of passengers every day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.
Patrick, what about the one-horse rust bucket piece of shit you crawled out of? You got cover wagons there yet? Hey, man, that's my hometown you're talking about. Exactly. I've got a hometown, too, but you know what I have to do? I have to listen to every gap-toothed yokel with a ticket for the circle line, talk about their disappointing trip to M&M's world. Meanwhile, I say word one of whatever strip mall you hayseeds tumbled out of, and I'm the asshole. Hayseeds?
We're all from cities. Don't you dare say cities. I've had more people up the crack of my ass in a goddamn elevator ride than you bumpkins have gotten your quaint little hamlets put together. Hamlet? Cincinnati is not a hamlet.
We have several museums. Several museums? Well, several museums, you don't say. Buddy, I got museums on my block like you got cracker barrels on your interstate.
You read me? Yes.
New York is crowded. Yeah, because you looky-loos keep coming, stay home, and it'll be less crowded. New Yorkers never smile. Why would we? You're there. Everyone's so drunk and angry. That's true, but those people are New Yorkers. They're from Long Island.
But then why is everyone always talking shit about New York? Nobody ever talks shit about Cincinnati. That's actually a great point. You can never even talk shit about Mudville either. Mudville? Precisely. You want to know the real reason you guys all talk shit about New York?
You want to know why? Because deep down, you wanted to love it, but you couldn't. Because you weren't strong enough.
Oh, my apartment's so small. It's not comfy enough. There's not little trees on my little block. I'm scared because I saw a little rat lay a little egg inside a little vagrant's open knife wound.
Prinin, isn't this kind of proving our point? Of course it is. Of course it's proving our point.
You think I don't know my own hometown? You think I don't know what it's like?
I have seen crust buns suck each other off in the open guitar case of a weeping busker. I have stepped in puddles so deep and so cold that I was barely the same person by the time I stepped out. And one time, I accidentally went outside during Santa card, and I loved every second.
You don't like New York? Fine. Good. More for me. It's not for you anyway. But just because you saw my hometown in your favorite movie doesn't give you the right to talk shit about it right to my face. Be decent, and I won't have to come for whatever mid-range zip code spawned your country-mouthed ass after I look up how to roast it in the encyclopedia of places nobody gives a shit about. Okay, well, Brennan, if you love New York so much, why are you in L.A.? I mean, I had to get out of there.
I mean, can I just say at the grind? Hey guys, it's Brennan from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun stuff, and please keep watching because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. Get it? I'm not really real. I'm just a thing on your screen. Don't forget me! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_mary_anne_louise_fischer_on_holiday_shopping_snl | Well folks, the holiday season is officially upon us. And here with some tips on how to get your holiday shopping done quickly is the most chaotic holiday shopper ever, Mary Ann Louise Fisher. Three minutes to do this, I still got seven stores to hit on this block. Wow, so you've been pretty busy, huh? Oh yeah, I have, Michael. See, I'm one of 27 children, so I got a lot of shopping to do. and I need to do it fast, and I need to do it crazy.
You ever seen the aisles at Ross Dress for Less? Yeah, that place is a wreck. I mean, most of the merchandise is on the ground.
Yeah, that's me, Michael. that's all me. every single Ross, that's me. So you're single-handedly trashing all the Rosses. you ever tripped over a pair of billabong board shorts stuck to a Winnie the Pooh children's teapot? that was me, Michael. But why mess everything up? Power, Michael.
I need to leave my mark. And sometimes, to find that one perfect shirt, you have to unfold 40 and dump them all on the floor. All right, well, you're here to give us some holiday shopping tips, right? that's correct. tip number one,: get you one at ease. Did you know anyone can buy a neck brace? you don't even have to go to a doctor. these things make people stay out of your way. they think you're wounded, but only you know your neck is strong as hell.
Now, Michael, guess how much all these Santa plates were? wait, what? three dollars. Okay? All right. Now, guess how much this shirt was? I don't know. maybe. three dollars. Okay. you want me to show you how I got it? Sure. okay. so hold this and pretend you're a customer looking at it. Oh, wow. ain't this a lovely blouse? Give me that damn shirt. that was in my basket. All right. Well, that was intense. Okay.
I see how that works for you. I see how that works for you, But, like, do you have any other tips?
Tip Number two. if your blood sugar drops, J.c. Penney got nuggets. What? J.c. Penney got chicken nuggets. all you got to do is get yourself stuck on that escalator, make a fuss, and the manager will find you some nuggets.
Okay? are you all right? No, Michael. what the hell are you talking about? I know too much. I've seen too much. it's a war zone out there, and I just got done doing three tours in Nordstrom, Iraq. Nordstrom, Iraq is just a department store. it's not that serious. Okay. you have no idea, Michael. I'm the one out here on these front lines. Now, my third and final tip, and I shouldn't have to say this, But if you can, be black. because if you weren't acting like this, someone will take a video, and you will lose your job. Okay? you see, Michael? there's no such thing as a Black Karen. See, I could slap the hell out of you right now, and nobody would say a word. My job is safe. what do you even do for work? I sue the city. the city has a lot of money and a bunch of uneven sidewalks, baby.
Mariah Louise Fisher, everybody. Mariah, thank you so much.
I'm so thrilled about that. |
SaturdayNightLive | dream_home_cousins_snl | Just a couple of cousins turning houses into dream homes were the dream home cousins. My cousin Gage and I have been hard at work designing a dream home for Lillian and her quiet milk toast husband Pack, who's deeply uncomfortable on camera and now we're ready to show him the plans we drew up. For the record, I did most of the drawing. Oh brother, don't you mean no Cousin Lillian? Pat Are you guys ready to see our final design? Yes, I'm so excited that now we all agreed on a design, but you guys threw us a bit of a curveball when Pat informed us that his mother be and her 27 year old cat Charles David would also be moving into your house which required us to change a few things. but it's still gonna be my dream house right?
What we talked about? You bet, Just slightly modified. Let's start with the living Room Lillian You wanted this space to be quote: an oasis of relaxation. Oh, I love that. But B wanted this space to be quote where we put my cats medical equipment and unfortunately the amount of machinery it takes to keep a 27 year old cat with no kidneys alive really cluttered up the space. Now for the kitchen. We thought this captured Lillian's vision of an open concept design. Oh, we would have loved to build that, but since B's gonna be doing most of the cooking okay, skinny Mini can't cook we went with a more closed concept feel and since B is afraid of gas, we swapped the six burner Viking range for an olive green electric stove and Oster toaster oven, both from B's current home and both manufactured in 1978 back where America still built things. Are you gonna fight for anything I want now? Lillian? I sense that you're probably feeling that your vision has been compromised Downstairs, Yes, but upstairs has also been compromised. We had to partition the grand staircase to accommodate Charles David's motorized stair share. But good news, Lillian! We were able to preserve your yoga studio from our original design. Yay! it's perfect, but it will have to double as the display room for B's collection of Wise Quackers, large ceramic statues of ducks in 1930s gangster outfits. and with 90 Wise Quackers to display, the yoga studio will be a little crammed. So what do we think so far?
I think that skinny mini opened her legs and stole my son. I know she took your sweetness before your wedding night. What you told her I gave my sweetness?
Oh My. God.
Okay, let's show you what we came up with for the primary bedroom. Oh okay, here's where we landed after talking to B since this will be her bedroom as well. We'll swap the king bed for three singles and since B hates large open spaces the devil's in the rafters. Those 15 foot cathedral ceilings will come down to about six feet.
You're six one. I'll crouch. but don't worry B. We made sure there was enough wall space for all the old black and white photographs of your stern looking ancestors. That was when men were men Now Durham role please for the primary bathroom. Lillian wanted windows to take advantage of your beautiful view, but B was very concerned with peepers invading her privacy which took the bathroom window count down from six to no windows.
You know them. Paris and Tugas. What's in me?
Make my dirt. No one wants to see you. make your dirt.
Yeah, I don't know. Are you thinking about it when we come back? The upstairs demo begin. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_marcello_hernandez_on_depression_in_men_snl | According to a new study, the rate of depression among men in America is at an all-time high. here to comment is our very own Marcelo Hernandez. Thank you very much. it's always great to see you, Marcelo. So why do you think that men are depressed? Colin, to understand why men are depressed, we have to first talk about women.
And I understand women. Yeah, I don't know if you want to start with that. No, Colin, like, I grew up with only women in my house, Okay? it was me, my mom, and my sister. And then in high school, my mom's best friend and her daughter moved in. so it was just me and four women. And when that happens to you, Colin, when it's just you and four women, you have no choice. But to become the man of the house? Wrong. to become a woman. I was a woman for many years, Colin. a proud Latina woman.
And I was living a double life, you know, because at school, I was captain of the soccer team, screaming at all the players, you better play defense today. And then I would get home, and my mom would be like, Marcelo, how do I look? And I would be like, you look amazing, mommy. As a matter of fact, do me a favor, go back into your room and walk out again. I want to see you again.
Where are you going? the White House? Is my mama going to meet the President?
And how does this relate to men being depressed? Because, Colin, women support each other. men don't support each other. that's why they're depressed. a girl can tell her best friend anything, and she'll support it no matter what. a girl will tell her best friend. she'll be like, I'm dating this guy, and he robs banks. and then her friend will be like, at least he has a passion. And you don't think that men are as supportive? No, not at all. that's why I don't go to the barbershop anymore, Colin. it's a negative energy in there. no one is happy to see you when you go to the barbershop. every time I go, the guy's like, look who it is. we already told you, buddy, we can't make you taller. that's why a little prince like me goes to the salon, Colin. I get to the salon, Colin, and the lady's like, where have you been? and I'm like, I don't know, I missed you. Okay, the salon do be sounding kind of fire. it do, Colin. it do. I'm just trying to say that women have support, okay? when a woman goes through a breakup, all her friends show up. when a guy goes through a breakup, his boys just act like his flight got delayed. you'll be like, yo, I was in love with her, man. out of nowhere, she left me. and my best friend will be like, damn. that sucks, bro. just go to Chili's and wait for the next one, my boy. And you would say this is the reason men are the most depressed they've ever been in history? Yes, and also a variety of other psychological and genetic issues, but they're not as funny, and I don't have stand-up on that.
Marcelo Hernandez, everyone. |
dropout | what_is_the_best_thing_to_find_in_a_treasure_chest | Today's question is, what is the best thing to find in a treasure chest? Today I have Allie Beardsley. What's good? Very cool. I have Stephanie Allen. Hey, what's alright? Nice.
I'm Siobhan Thompson. You okay? I'm worried about you, dog. Wow.
Siobhan, would you like to start? I would love to.
My first idea, the most exciting thing to find in a treasure chest would be the most salacious piece of gossip specifically about somebody that you do not like with evidence to back it up. Hell yeah. It's like, ooh, I've always suspected this thing about this person that I for some reason do not like but don't have a reason to not like and now I know it and I can use it against them. Oh, a social weapon. I feel like you are, you like gossip.
I do. Outside of this, just in general, just knowing Siobhan, I think you like gossip. I do. I think it's fun. I mean, look.
I feel bad because I don't like it when people are gossiping about me. I hate it. I hate it but I really enjoy hearing you about it. Well, I like that your definition of gossip is revenge.
Yes. It's not just like fun. It's interesting.
It's not like, let's get him. Get him. It's like, oh no, this person who annoys the shit out of me is genuinely a bad person and now I can prove it.
Yeah. Like documents, videos. Right. Yeah.
A little voicemail. Deleted tweets. You know, there should be deleted tweets all put onto one website.
Yeah. Because you know Twitter has all of them. Oh yeah.
And like your inbox. Direct messages.
Ooh. Oh my god. Just the drafts folder of all of the emails that you almost sent to your ex and were like, I'm going to wait until the morning and then you look at them and you're like, good thing I didn't send them. Wow. That's what's crazy is like soon we're going to be having presidents who have had like Snapchat and Instagram and Facebook and those companies will own copies of all of their everything. Something. Unwanted penises. Yeah. A lot of penises.
It would be so crazy to have a president who uses Twitter. Stephanie, would you like to go ahead?
Okay. What I think is the best thing to find in a treasure chest is the best masseur. Ooh. Yes. And this would be, this could also be female, which I guess is a masseuse. Oh, I do. All right. Oh. I never thought about that. It's like Waitress Waiter. But I think this person shouldn't be able to talk. Yes.
They have to be mute and they have cartoonishly large hands and they're oiled and warm naturally. I am always freaked out going and getting a massage because I feel like they judge me. Like they're just seeing every part of me that I don't show to people and I'm like. Your back? Well, I don't shave my armpits.
I guess maybe that's just me. So I go and I'm just like. That's fine.
They think I'm crazy. No, just in the old time being like, they think I'm crazy.
Well, then this person has no brain. Like they can't judge you. They can't. Cool. There's no judgment. They just robotically function. I would love that.
I find I've only had two massages, hated them both. Way too intimate for me. I don't like being touched like that and it really, it was the most stressed out I've ever been. It was truly terrible. I was nervous the entire time.
So this would be great for me because I wouldn't have to care.
This is incredibly a person. Right. Yeah. A genderless asexual being with huge hands that smells great. Right.
Do you guys have to take everything off for a massage? Because there's always that moment where I'm like, I'm either the weird prude who is like, I'm keeping some clothing on or I'm just straight up naked and there, it's a surprise for them that I'm under the shoes and no one else does that.
There should be a sign when you walk in like, I get to choose. You get to choose.
But either way, I'm just like, I blew it again.
But it is weird, like the couple of times that I have been massaged by men, there is that little bit of like, I have the two, but with women, I'm just like, they're so into this. I just read into them what I would be thinking and like, they fucking love this. Wow.
If only I'd shave my armpit. Allie, would you like to show us?
I think the best thing to find in a treasure chest, I'm a big fan of music and so a whole bunch of Jules albums. When I saw this, I was thinking Jules because I went through these, let me tell you how the show works. I went through these. I've seen all of them. I've seen every last one of them. I thought you'd have a bunch of Jules clones of Jule.
That would work too. Each one was responsible for singing a different album. I feel like whenever I hear Jule, I'm like, oh yeah, she was living in a car. Yeah, that's like the fact. Right. And then she from there got a record deal.
And she was just... Wow. I think there's missing information from somebody in the video. How did that lead to that? Interesting.
She was living in her car and murdering people at night. Okay. That's the worst place to live in a car.
In Alaska? All the places that you could live in a car. Alaska has to be here. Was it really in Alaska?
Yes. No. It must be... How expensive can Alaska be? Right? And why don't you start driving? Yes.
Drive that way. Get that way. Get a cabinet where they have free healthcare.
Oh my gosh. How has this not been made into like a TV show, right? Jule, can you respond to us? Oh, The Rise of Jule. We're worried about Angel. I'm very curious. We're origin strong.
Also, where's Jule now? Is she maybe in a car again? Oh, no. Like, money doesn't last forever. Oh, no. Where's Jule?
My first idea for the best thing to find in a treasure chest is a tiny world, and you would be the god. Oh my God. So here I am on an island. I come across a treasure chest and I'm curious. I think, what can be inside there? Probably something good. I crack it open, discover a world not unlike ours, but tiny.
And then the people see me and think I'm their god. Sorry, but that'd be great. I like the idea of that God came after the world. It's not like God created the world in his image. It's like there was this godless little world and then it really needed a god. And then you show up and you just have to fill in. I do get it because there's certainly so many shitty things about this world where I'm just like, well, if I was in charge, this shit would not be happening.
I want it to be for everyone and I'd be very fair. I'd be a very good ruler. How could you be that fair on such a mass level?
I really don't think you could. You're wrong. You've never seen me in a group project.
I'm very good. Guys, I would be very good at it. Just take my word for it.
I think your OCD would go overdrive. I don't have OCD. I have bad anxiety.
Totally different. Ali, good lord. That's what I meant. Anxiety-reading God. Yeah. If there's a God, he or she might be anxious.
There would be so many ethical questions of like, well, this storm will kill 5,000 people, but it will also replenish the crops for 50,000. You can't have light without the dark. Yeah, man. But why would I have to have a storm? Just tsunami killing 100. Because it would replenish the crops of 50,000 people.
But here's the thing. I could just sprinkle water on this. I'm banged. But that's a storm to them. To you, it's just a sprinkle of water. But I would do it so carefully. I'd use my pinky and just dot water.
No, that's just why I think that there isn't a God. Because there can't be anyone caring about things going right or wrong. Everything is so real. No, I agree. I don't think there is a God. But I want to be a God of this little tiny world.
That's it for this preview of The Rank Room. Did you like it? Okay, do you like me? Oh, thank God. Okay, can I tell you a secret?
There is a whole second half to this episode. And it's available on Dropout. So to watch it, just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
Also, I have lupus. So two secrets. What's in here?
And I start putting my little paw in. You're a dog in this scenario? No, I'm a human. I put my little paws in. And then all of a sudden, I go... |
cracked | which_ghost_movie_was_the_best_for_the_ghosts_casper_ghostbusters_ripd | It's a ridiculous question. You mean it's a ridiculous question because you don't have an answer, because you don't believe in the afterlife. No, it's a ridiculous question because I am not planning on dying.
It's like asking Superman to stop being from space. He can't stop being from space, Katie. Space is who he is.
Hey now, don't diminish yourself. You're more than just a guy who's never going to die. Okay, I wasn't fishing, but thank you. Okay, so then imagine somehow that you do die.
What kind of ghost would you want to be? Easy, force ghost. Like a Jedi? Solid choice. No, no. You can't be a force ghost. That's cheating. You don't have to be a Jedi for your whole life.
And honestly, that ship's kind of sailed. I've still got time. Okay, fine.
I'd be a ghost cop. Like a dead cop's ghost or a police-er of ghosts.
Have you guys seen R.I.P.D.? This world's for the living, and R.I.P.D. is going to keep it that way. N.O.P.D. Okay, so Ryan Reynolds dies, and because he wasn't the most upstanding person in life, he gets the opportunity to work for the rest in peace department, where he just rounds up souls for heaven as a way to like clean his slate.
Like indentured servitude? Right, more like working off a debt. So indentured servitude.
Yeah, like the tooth fairy. Anyway, if you're in the R.I.P.D., you get to stay on Earth for at least another century, and you get to keep doing all the same stuff you would do when you were alive. Plus, you get to be an undercover ghost cop, and you chase down a legal ghost, and a ghost gun, and other ghost toys, and a lot of props for men in black for some reason. Can living people see you? Yes, but you're in disguise, so you look like a supermodel, or like a girl scout, or a beloved character actor, James Hong.
Oh! Yo!
I've seen this. Isn't Kevin Bacon in it? Yes. Have you ever noticed that the presence of Kevin Bacon in a movie doesn't determine whether it's good or bad?
Wait, but at the end of that movie, Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds get put on suspension because they let a ghost drop his disguise and go rampaging through the public. Yeah, so? Well, the terms of the suspension are that if the higher powers that be decide to, they can fire Jeff and Ryan and completely erase them from existence. Also, all the guns they use shoot bullets that erase ghosts from existence, and all the bad guy ghosts have the same guns, so you're risking complete oblivion every time you go out on the job as a ghost cop. If you turn down the wrong blind alley and get shot, or just get a bad performance review. I feel like you're being reductive to make me look foolish, but yeah, that sounds like a nightmare.
Sorry, I'm late. You guys order without me?
See, I prefer Patrick Swayze in Ghost. Ooh, good film. Wait, you want to be a ghost from the saddest ghost movie ever made? See, I don't find it sad. It's more bittersweet. I mean, it's the most hopeful ghosthood that exists in Hollywood.
You get to hang out in Spirit Limbo. You get to meet interesting spirits. You get to help your loved ones through a tough time. Plus, you get to use your ghost powers to thwart danger, and then you get to go into heaven like Patrick Swayze roundhouse kick helicoptering into eternity. So it's like freshman orientation, but for dead people.
Anyway, there's no bureaucratic rulebook. The only rule in Ghost is that if you're a bad guy, you get dragged into hell by some shadow goblins, and frankly, you already kind of rolled those dice when you were alive. I do love to roll dice. I think I brought some, actually. Why do you have dice? They streamline every decision-making process.
Wait a second. Your preferred version of the afterlife is just some esoteric waiting room, where you and a bunch of dead strangers are powerlessly watching your loved ones forget about you until you accidentally save them from some tragedy. Well, I feel like you're being a little reductive to make me look foolish, but yeah. Haha! Found them! Great. Do you think you could roll them under the feet of our wagers when she comes back to force her to stop and take my order?
See, I want to be the kind of ghost that gives her loved ones closure to move on, not selfishly clinging to this mortal realm disguised as James Hong, who is still alive by the way. Okay, so you help them move on, but then what? They get into heaven after living another 30 years, basically a whole lifetime without you? I mean, would they even want to see you, or would it just be horribly painful for everyone? Ooh, would they even remember you?
I know, right? It's like that song Eric Clapton wrote about his dead kid. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that out of line? I used the dice. No, it was on topic. It's just sad.
Well, any spirited discussion of the afterlife would be amiss without a mention of the Ghostbusters anyway. Ghostbusters. Hey, did we see a ghost? They catch the ghost that won't stay dead. That's the kind of ghost I want to be. You want to be a ghost from Ghostbusters? Do you want to be the ghost of a Ghostbusters?
I want to just Postmates David Busters. Think about it. You can eat whatever you want. You never have to sleep. You can fly. That's awesome. You can read a bunch of books. Hello. No, better. You could go to the movies for free. Probably.
You could wreck a bunch of s***, commandeer public transport without a license. I mean, you basically do whatever we would do to kill time anyway, except you never have to sleep, and you never die. Again. I mean, you'd have to die the first time. When you become a ghost, you die, so... Yeah, but you don't get to have any meaningful interactions with people. I mean, you're just stuck on Earth, goofing off by yourself forever.
That ghost-bajay was deeply meaningful. Plus, you end up looking like a terrifying mutant version of yourself. Like one of those awful caricatures they charge way too much money for in amusement parks. God, I got burned.
Yeah, but he does carry on a weird relationship bordering on Filonia's obsession with Christina Ricci. He does have like a weird sexual interest in Christina Ricci.
And we find out from a throwaway joke in the movie that ghosts have penises. Oh, he's got that pointy head in my head. That's not my head. So, ghosts could ostensibly have sex? Ghost-bajay.
Ooh! And Casper's uncles hang out doing regular human stuff all the time. I mean, they go to the racetrack, they take Bill Pullman to a bar, they spend barely any time at the house that they are supposed to be haunting. Starting to sound pretty sweet. Am I right?
Yeah, but the ghosts are still vulnerable to physics. You can get launched across the room with a toilet plunger, or sucked into a vacuum. Christina Ricci carries around a dust buster, and it's enough to convince Casper's uncles to stop screwing with her. Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't even really need ghostbusters. Just Joe and Jane, a homeowner, could exercise a restless spirit with a home appliance. Boover vacuums, boos.
But not if you're their friend, though. They're not gonna ghost-dust bust their friends. Yeah, but Casper is not a good friend.
He makes things awkward and weird for Christina Ricci all the time, and we find out at the end that he had been haunting his grieving father for so long that he literally drove the man insane. So?
Just because Casper sucks at it doesn't mean I will. I would be a great ghost pal. None of us are nodding. Okay, so we agree that no ghost situation is ideal, but maybe Casper wins? Yeah, I mean, I guess in Casper you get the most freedom to interact with the living and the dead. You can come and go as you please. There doesn't seem to be any governing board to banish you into non-existence, and you just gotta look out for dust busters.
Dead kids all day! Jesus. What is with you and dead kids tonight? Casper's a dead kid.
Look it up. Look at her. I mean, she definitely sees me, right?
I mean, I don't want to be rude and scream, but is it ruder to snap? That's definitely worse, right? Do I clap? You think somebody should call Daniel? I mean, I think it's a little weird that he wasn't here an hour early to reserve our table. What? Uh, I'm gonna counterman the dice and say no. I've been texting him, but he's not responding, I just assumed he's driving here.
Oh, I see what's going on. You guys are Shyamalan-ing me, because we've been talking about ghosts for the past ten minutes. Like, I gotcha. Son of a bitch! I'm dead, aren't I? That means the answer would have something to do with Spider-Man, right? Yes! Of course it would. Did Uncle Ben come back as a ghost?
No! What? No!
No, he came back as Martin Sheen. Who's Martin Sheen?
What? How funny would it be if Dan died on the way here? I'm remembering how I died now. And that's why he's not here?
Like, what if he got in a car crash? There was a little girl on the road, and she was gonna get hit by a car.
That is hilarious! That would be so funny! Unrelated, a guy just stayed. I wasn't gonna help that girl. Hahaha! |
dropout | Katie_Hits_Rock_Bottom_Kingpin_Katie | Music Previously on Kingpin Katie Could you please do me three favors?
Don't try anything funny. Don't skip town. Don't go to the police. I didn't have to kill you.
Sell the drugs, Katie. I found a dead body, okay? Get down here now! Oh yes, text messages. Can I buy some coke? I knew it! It's drugs! College humor.
Cheryl's got her first lead. Thought I'd only be here once, but here I am.
Freeze! Police! I didn't go to jail!
And I want in. But I'm not looking for a partner. I could help you. I know these streets like the wipe of my... Hey, I'm here.
We got drug dealing in the bathroom.
Don't worry. It's under control. I got this. What do you say, partner? Yeah, let's do that. Yes! This place is the best, I'm telling you. Okay. Oh, here we go. I got the spot. Oh my god. No, it's okay. It's okay.
I just have to do that again. Hold on. Okay, ready? There's no one here! I did it again. Just stay here. I'm over the line! Do you want me to get out? No, not yet. Okay. Can I just get out? You do this, I'll get us a seat.
What? No, we are partners! Perfect!
Just park. Stop, stop, stop, stop! Straighten out your wheels. Stop, stop, stop!
Maybe not here. Let's not park right in front of the door. I get nervous when somebody else is in my car.
Okay, this is perfect. This is not perfect. Let's go. Okay. I'm hungry. I'm gonna have to take it. Ew. You sure you don't want anything? Yeah, I'm good. Thanks though. So, cocaine. Yeah. That's some serious stuff.
What's a little baby bird like you doing with the big worms?
I guess it started because I was trying to get clean, you know? I hate what it does to me and I'm sick of my coworkers just viewing me as some coke head. Yeah, addiction blows.
Yeah. I'm a sex addict so I know all about it. Really? Yeah. I was having sex like two or three times a month even sometimes. Okay. I was out of control. Yeah, I don't know if that counts as addiction. Oh, come on. Of course it does.
Two or three times a month is nothing.
I think about it often. A lot of people think about sex.
You don't understand though because when I have sex, there's this pleasure that stimulates my entire body and I reach this. This is gonna sound crazy but I reach this sexual climax and then all of my pelvic muscles contract and it's... Okay, I think you're just describing an orgasm.
No, I knew you wouldn't understand and that's okay, you know? Okay. I've gone through some... You know, I would love to change the subject. Truly anything else. How did you get into this line of work? Katie, Katie, Katie, banana Fanta fo' Fady, wouldn't you like to know? Well, I will tell you. God.
I have been waiting years to get in with the dirty cops and the hardened criminals, you know? I have this dream to have power, like real power that I will use to benefit only myself and those who bribe me. I don't want to hear that from a police officer.
But it's just such a boy's club.
You know what? Drug dealing is too. Really? Mm-hmm. Well, why not, man? Look at us, huh? We're like two Amelia Earhearts but they are not gonna bring our planes down, right? Yeah.
At least you're happy. It's good that one of us is because I'm certainly not.
I didn't want this life and I just lucked into that spot in the club bathroom. Well, you can't go back there now that the bouncer found out.
Really? Once one knows, they all know.
Looks like your days of selling cocaine in the bathroom have gone down the toilet. How am I gonna sell this? Did you hear what I just said? Looks like your days of selling cocaine in the bathroom have been flushed down the toilet. You were in a bathroom selling cocaine and now that opportunity's gone down the toilet.
I'm gonna be honest.
This joke is not for me. Oh. Wrong crop. But I can see someone finding this funny.
Yeah? Yeah. Yes.
Look, how am I gonna sell it? Don't you worry about it, Katie. Because I know everything you need to know about selling drugs.
Really? Yeah! Bye! Oh, yes. All right. I got two coming at you. Nine o'clock, stink bug. I'm on it. Hey, you guys need a little something? Damn! Okay. Hey, who cares? They're working out. They don't want cocaine yet. All right. Seven o'clock.
Woman on a bench. She looks down to drown in a big, fat pile of cocaine.
Wait, really? Yes. I know the type. Okay. Hey. You got a baby? Yeah. Do you need a little powder energy? What the?
No, I'm breastfeeding my baby. Are you crazy? No, I wasn't offering it to your baby. I was offering it to you. I know that. No, get out of here.
She was not the type.
Okay, my bad. I'm sorry.
I thought a woman who likes getting her nipples sucked was into cocaine. Oh, my God, yes. I think we struck gold, baby.
A bunch of teens. Got him. Hey, guys.
God, parks are lame.
Why are you talking to us? Yeah, you're being creepy as... I was just wondering if you guys like to party and if you need assistance with that or whatever.
Okay. We're leaving. No, don't leave, guys. Come on, don't leave. Please.
I'm trying to sell you cocaine. That's all I'm doing.
I'm not being creepy. I'm not being weird.
Look, I just have hard drugs. Dude, we're 16. We would never touch drugs. Come on, let's go rail some fat lines of Adderall. Okay, Adderall is drugs.
I have a prescription. Do you have a prescription?
Stop talking to us. You should stop talking to me, okay? You're the one talking to me.
Fake Pablo Escobar? You're the fake...
Do you have any friends? Where are they? They're at work, okay?
I'm an adult. Look, I'm just gonna go, okay? Bye. What a freak.
Where are you going? I'm gonna put her on my Insta story. Where are you going? She runs like she has something stuck in her... Where are you going? Katie! Where are you going? Katie! Where the hell have you been?
You're six hours late for work. I know. I'm so sorry. What are you wearing? Thank you, Brendan. That's not a compliment. You missed your production meeting. You never got me that Splish Soda sketch, so we're delayed on that. We can't be pissing off advertisers right now. I know. You're totally right. I forgot about that meeting. I'm so sorry.
I'll do the work. You're not giving me a lot of choice here, Katie. I'm going to have to fire you.
No!
Just give me one more chance. I promise I will do better. One more chance? I don't know why, but I expected better from you.
Oh... I think I'm going to like poop out an entire block of tofu. Oh my god, I love you. Oh, hey. Hey. Yeah, I'm just crying. Cool.
I'm so stressed out. I have so much coke to sell still. If you're stressed, just get a massage. Go to the spa. You should get the top layer of your skin scraped off by a cactus. It's incredible.
I've never been to a spa. The spa isn't covered by your college humor benefits?
No. Oh my god, that is so sad. Sparks covers our massages, our vapes, our morning juices, and our organic anal bleaching. Yeah, I guess if I wanted an anal bleaching, I'd have to pay for it myself. Oh, you poor thing. I know. Your ass must be like so brown.
Okay, girl, you have got to go to our spa. It is the best spa in Los Angeles.
Well, technically it's in Century City. Yeah, you think I don't know about Century City, an area named after 20th century thoughts?
I don't care. Okay, girl.
Wow, you're stressed. You've got to go now. Like right now. I can't go now.
I'm at work. This is work. Self-care is the most important work of all. Yeah. You're sure? That is work. Here, can you hold this for a second? That is work.
Let me just show you my ass. No. See this? Oh yeah, I see it.
Yeah, I haven't eaten in a couple days. I'm starving. Can you go a week?
No. I don't know. Ta-ta-ta. I'm so sorry.
Anyway, what I was saying is I went to the Antelope Valley Poppy booth last weekend. Oh my God, so gorgeous. It was gorgeous.
I'm starving. Good God, it's way too hot in here. Are you guys actually comfortable? Honey, maybe take off your suit. Anyway, I have to go.
Oh, it was truly a spiritual experience. I bet. I swear to God, I saw God. You did. I did.
Oh, I would love to have you. You need a vision of your own people.
Katie. Stop talking about doing it and just do it. Say no more, Katie. No more.
You're hired.
You killed me. I didn't actually say that because I died.
Did you get it? Are you okay? The hell? Are you okay?
Yeah, no. I'm sorry. That was really weird. I'm sorry.
I think I just overheated, but I'm feeling fine now. Anyway, what I was saying is the Vitality Serum. Oh. I mean, it's the only thing that gets me through that four-hour shift at the June Urban Crystal Farm. I wouldn't be able to do it. I've been using a supplement called Micro Herb Five.
What? It got me through Beychella. What? Yeah. I was like. What are you guys talking about? What is this?
Is she talking about? I think she is.
Let me handle. They're natural supplements we're using to give us more energy. Energy. Oh. You guys should just do what I used to do. And what was that? Yeah. It was a high-quality powder and you ingest it by snorting it and then it gives you instant energy. Okay. Hold up right now. That sounds interesting. I could get into that.
Do you have any on you? Yes. Yes, I do have some on me.
In fact, I'm selling it. I get the suit now. I love people selling things.
Oh, look at that. Oh, so what is it? It is. I guess think of this as the ultimate self-care tool. Oh. What is it actually? Okay. What actually is it?
It's all natural and you can get it from the leaves of the coca plant in South America. South America.
I love it there. We tried to go, remember? Yes.
We got too drunk. We went too drunk.
Yeah, so would anyone like a sample of my cocaine? Microcane? Yes. That's what it's called. Microcane. Oh. Microcane. Wow.
Thanks for watching that promo of Kingpin Katie. If you liked it, I'm going to blow your mind. There's full episodes you can watch right now on Dropout.
They're action packed and they're super funny and I'm saying that in my don't know why. I normally am not proud of the things I'm in.
Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. What's up?
Katie with on your pants. I swear I wiped. Did you forget to wipe with Cutie Patootie, the toilet paper for women? |
TheOnion | The_Gunman_Tragedy_A_Recap_Of_The_Onion_s_Coverage | Tragedy struck Kansas City today with an act of senseless violence. Late this morning, reports confirmed that a gunman had killed Zero at a local mall. Witnesses on the scene spoke to Onion reporters about the at-large gunman.
Lisa Gunman? Yeah, she was here. She works right at that muesies. Well, I thought I saw her, but that lady over there looks a lot like Lisa. Later in the day, investigators found this note at the missing gunman's residence, and sources reported that the lone gunman was seen driving down US Highway 71 holding a small child. Lisa? Yeah, I'm pretty sure she has a two-year-old. Eric Gunman. Throughout the day, former neighbors shared their memories of the on-the-loose gunman. Oh, right. Lisa Gunman. She must have moved away about four years ago.
The deranged gunman, apparently driven to the brink of insanity by ongoing media coverage, finally struck later in the afternoon, critically injuring four in a stabbing frenzy. Our reporters reached out to the distraught family members of the stabbing victims. This Lisa Gunman lady is crazy. She just pulled out a knife and stabbed my husband. I had no idea this could ever happen. Currently, our news team is on the scene at the assailant's residence, where a second gunman was reportedly spotted asking if anyone had seen his wife. For updates on this story, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | worst_breakup_excuse_ever | Okay, stop, stop, stop, Steve, stop. Look, we need to talk. I don't think that we should see each other anymore.
No, no, don't do that. No, no, no, don't make that face. Listen, no, no, no. It's not, this has nothing to do with you.
It's me, it's me. Then why? Karen? Why? I'm a lesbian. What?
Yeah, and you are just so attractive that I got my confused. But I, nope, it's all vagina for me, so. So you never cared about me. I did. I do. I'm just, I'm such a lesbian.
It's like, oh, you know, it's frustrating. I mean, I wish, I wish, but, you know.
But when I said I love you at the restaurant last week, you blinked once for yes. Okay, the truth is, Steve, that I've just been using you to get to your sister.
Mia? Yeah. She's 14. Mom? Your grandma? No, that's weird. Both are weird. Hey, my mom's not a lesbian. Yeah, huh. We're going to get married in one of the states that you can't. Oh, come on. That old line. I don't believe you, Karen. What is my mom's name? Um.
I command you power girls break up with him, or be destroyed. Oh, no. It's my super anemesis.
Power girl. That is your roommate Cheryl. AKA power girl. Break up with him. Power girl. Never power girl.
What? I mean, sure, if I have to. I'm off to find your mom and rub her boobs together, or whatever. Karen, stop it, okay?
All that I wanted from you was a little honesty. Just an honest answer. Is that too much to ask from a fellow human being? Silence, puny mortal. No, Steve, it isn't. The truth is that I'm just not interested in you the same way that you are in me.
And I'm a lesbian superhero in a tryst with your mom. Fine. Where were you? I had to make the sign twice. I'm sorry. Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me? Hey, sexy, it's me, Steve's mom. Hi. |
TheOnion | Total_Genius_Wears_Tear_Off_Pants_At_Urinal | The CDC has issued a dire warning that Nick Cannon is feeling horny. This week, the Center for Disease Control issued an advisory cautioning Americans of the ongoing fatherhood pandemic caused by TV host and rapper Nick Cannon. Women of childbearing age have been directed to shelter in place until authorities can confirm that Nick Cannon is no longer aroused, and to avoid locations that would put you at risk of meeting Nick Cannon, such as the club. CDC guidelines note that if you find yourself having sex with Nick Cannon, it is important to begin using some form of birth control immediately, so as to stop the continuing spread of Nick Cannon's fatherhood across the country.
Conservatives, what does woke mean to you? If, hypothetically, anything at all goes wrong with your life, that's woke. Woke is firing people at work just for showing the intern your penis.
Academically speaking, it is the radical process in which the little mermaid becomes black. I tend not to use that word because it has anti-black connotations and omits the crimes of Jews. It's when Sharmin attacks my values by implying that lesbians also use toilet paper. It's not that hard. It's about acknowledging that systems have been used to oppress minorities and taking an interest in how those systems can be bettered to improve lives for everyone. I know that. I'm not stupid. I just hate minorities. Whatever I am currently terrified of or masturbating to. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_view_sex_scandals_saturday_night_live | I've always wanted to do a show with women who have very different views. be careful what you wish for. some may call it a train wreck. we call it the View. Hi, I'm Meredith Vieira, and welcome to the View. we've got a great show today, right, ladies? we should. thank you. Yeah, that's right. that's right. that's really true. it's a special day today, because all five of us are here. and I am not wearing underpants. let's take a look at the news.
Ok, Usa Today, it said that 30% of Americans think President Clinton should resign. Star, what do you make of this? Yes, I am a lawyer. what this means is that 30% is a portion of 100%. like, for instance, if we was looking at a pie, one third of that pie would want the President to resign. And the rest of that pie would be delicious. Forget Nixon's resignation speech. Ugh, he was sweating like Don Dela Cruz at a clambake. That was for my act. Now, Barbara, what were you doing when Nixon resigned? I was in a hot tub with Henry Kissinger and Juliet Prowse. we speculated about our nation's future, listened to some Harry Chapin, and then made sweet love to the Morning Sun.
You guys, I think they should impeach Monica Lewinsky. I mean, throw her right out of the office. she's so stupid.
Am I right?
Well, I have to say that I, for one, am just disgusted with President Clinton. Let me tell you something. men are like floor tiles. lay them down, you can walk all over them. I'll be at Carolines Monday night. legally speaking, all men are dolls. except for Luther Van Joseph, my main man, Mr. Michael Douglas. I love you, baby! Star loves Michael Douglas. him loves us, Star. I think it was Lord Acton who said, absolute power corrupts Absolutely. If you don't believe me, try sharing in makeup room with Diane Sawyer, my new co-host, on 2020.
Ew, you know, my hands, they smell like balloons. Smell them.
Ok, ladies, our first guest is a record-breaking athlete. so far this season, he's hit 68 home runs, and he is a single dad. please welcome Mark Mcguire. I hope Sammy Sosa beat your ass. Thanks, it's an honor to be here. Mark, I have to congratulate you on breaking Roger Maris's record. And I have to say that as a working mom, that I was just incredibly touched that the first person that you hugged was your son. so sweet. it was so sweet. it was so sweet. it's so touchy.
But, Mark, let me ask you about the herbal steroids. You take creatine. aren't they dangerous? No, it's legal in baseball. Because when I tried it, I went into such a roid rage that I threw a filing cabinet at Hugh Downs. No, it's true. You know what? I just want to say, I watched the game where you broke that record, and I thought it was so tacky that Roger Maris didn't even show up to support you. I mean, how bitter can he be? I will destroy you.
Ok, that reminds me that it is now time for our new segment, Dare Debbie. Dare Debbie. Ok, this is where we dare Debbie to do unusual stunts, and she does them. she has jumped out of an airplane. she held a poisonous snake. she ate fiberglass. and nothing has worked. Ok, let's see. today's Dare was sent in by Marlene Kimball of Tulsa, Oklahoma, and she said, please put Debbie in a large bag with an angry raccoon. Bring it on! And what this means is that Debbie is going to get into this big bag with an angry raccoon and remain there for the remainder of this show. Just get in the bag, stupid.
So now, what do you, let me ask you, what do you have planned for the off season? Well, I love golf, number one. I love to cook. and I'm sorry, is she going to be all right? I wouldn't bet on it. the Raccoon has a wonderful dame. she will be fine, don't you worry about it. Oh, what? Mantle tips for lesbians. |
SaturdayNightLive | exxon_mobil_merger_saturday_night_live | Hey, Elmer, just came over to pay my last respects. What the hell's that supposed to mean? I guess you haven't heard, but Mobile bought Exon. Well, I think you've got to back afterwards. Exon went ahead and bought your butt, and it stings, don't it? actually, neither company bought the other. they merged. Hey, we weren't talking to you. Yeah, check out the Walmart reject over there trying to explain big business to us. I heard they're going to change the name to Exmo. Oh, that sounds like a gay joint. you know what I mean? Hey, how about Mokeson? Yeah, I got it. how about they call it moron? Yeah, it's a good one. Yeah, except there's no R in Mobile or Exon.
Hey, Dipstick, no one's talking to your sorry ass. you fellas just pissed off because Mobile kicks butt when it comes to gas. you mobile guys think you're king crap at Turd Mountain. But I've tried your premium gas, nothing but knocking and pinging in my engine. you don't have a car. Hey, shut up, Chirpy.
I used my dad's lawnmower. if you fellas realize that now that they've joined forces, the company is worth something like a million dollars. Man, can you imagine that? a million dollars? No. actually, it's billion, and it's 70 billion dollars. Oh, come on. that's like something a kid would say. Zillion, Killion, 70 billion. Look, who's talking, a guy who can't handle anything bigger than 20. You Exon guys are buffoons. Oh, really?
Well, who do you think would win the fight between the Exon tiger and that they're a mobile, whittering horse? you mean Pegasus? Yeah, I mean Pegasus. Pegasus would? Oh, good gravy, you dumb son of a bitch. that tiger would eat that little horse up and crap it out. No. no, the tiger would try, but the winged horse would grab the tiger tail and fly high into the sky and drop the tiger into a bayou. No, it wouldn't, because when you try to pick it up in the air like that, that tiger's tail would just rip clean off.
Yeah, you're probably right. Hell, yes, I'm right. that's why we're going to close down your mobile station. What time do you want your wake-up call Because you're dreaming? they're closing this year, Exon. bad news, fellas. it says in this letter they're closing both stations. they're not making any money. Well, ain't that a kick in the privates? Man, you said it, brother.
I don't care. yeah, me neither. Guess I'll just go ahead and suck off the government tip for a little while. Hell, my brother's the day manager over at the Waffle House, so I'll work there.
Well, I'm out of here. you want a ride? Yeah, sure. hey, Poe, you want to come with us, man?
No, I'm going to stick around and leave him a present. I'm going to take a grumpy-in-a-toolbox. I'm not sticking it to him. All right, stick it to him, man. good one. later days. |
SaturdayNightLive | 50s_baseball_broadcast_snl | No score as we head into the bottom of the third, Yankees' White Sox' Lyle O'reilly for Wnyx Radio alongside Hall of Famer Daze Newsom. Gorgeous day for a ball game. it is. before we get back to the action on the field, let's go to Walt Hall for a word from our sponsors. Walt. Wnyx Yankees' coverage is brought to you by Schmackman's department Store. hey, where'd you get that plain brown suit and plain brown hat? Why, Schmackman's, of course. Now back to the ball game.
Thank you, Walt. Diz, glad you made it in today.
I understand you were feeling a little under the weather this morning. Oh, yeah. uh, stuffy head, sore throat, the works. So luckily, my doctor prescribed me this new cold medicine called, uh, methamphetamine. yeah, he just did not write cold right out. Well, glad you're feeling better.
Oh, I'm excited. I'm feeling chatty, like I could talk about everything forever.
All right. well, sounds like this methamphetamine medicine did the trick, and Gene Woodling comes to the plate. 15 for 25 this season against lefty pitchers. I mean, not bad for an alcoholic. All right, don't say that, Diz. hey, you seen, uh, Woodling's wife? mama Me. okay, 22 years old. the tush on that woman. I ain't like a soldier's haircut, high and tight. All right, let's not talk about another man's wife like that, Diz, And here's the pitch. up there! except it's not pop fly directly over home plate. you know what? I'm gonna take another cold pill so I don't get stuffy. Okay, sounds good, Diz.
Jolting Joe Dimaggio is headed to the plate, or should I say, Mr. Marilyn Monroe. I mean, how the hell did Joe Dimaggio, the ugliest son of a bitch in baseball, snag that broad?
All right, watch the language, Diz. I mean, uh, you know he's Italian, right? Okay. Italians aren't even whites. Okay. please don't say that, Diz, And here's the pitch. Line Drive past third. that's Italian! No, it is not. it is not. But Dimaggio easily makes it to first.
Oh, yeah. Question,: how much money would you pay to sniff Marilyn Monroe's bedsheets? Okay, I'm not gonna answer that because that is inappropriate. Oh, no, it's not. inappropriate would be something like, how do you fit four hookers onto a chair? you turn it upside down. What? Oh, my God!
No, Diz! how about a sponsor Id, Walt? today's coverage is brought to you by Mitchell, the businessman Scotch. Thank you, Walt.
One out, runner on first, and rookie Mickey Mantle is coming to the plate. Another bow down. All right, now, a lot of folks are saying this kid's power reminds them of a young Babe Ruth. I mean, you had a story about Babe Ruth in Cleveland, right? Ah. of course. Well, the station manager told me not to tell the story about Babe Ruth. it's a real shame because it's one. Okay, maybe lay off that cold medicine Diz Mantle squaring up at the plate. Ah, what the hell, right? Okay, so Ruth's on the road in Cleveland. uh, pitch is low, Bow One. I mean, it's about midnight after the game.
Babe is drunk as a skunk, looking for what else? horse and hot dogs. Oh, please stop, and right winds up. Okay, so nothing's open, and Babe is starving. The Pitch, Ball two.
So he sees this little street-aged kid about 10 years old, and Babe Ruth, uh, he ate him. No. he did not. Babe, no, was so hungry that he ate a child alive. No, he did not, And that is ball three. he did. he did not. he did close at all. No, Babe Ruth was famously kind to children, free, and owes the count. Well, he ate one.
No. if you're listening to this, and you're in your car, and you're in your car, and you're stuck in traffic, I have an idea. just gun it. don't do that. just slam the gas and see what happens. No, he's joking. don't do that. I'm not. Ball four, base is loaded. uh, you know, I have some observations on different races. No, no, no. let's hear from our sponsor. I kind of want to hear this. |
dropout | Assassin_s_New_Years_Resolutions | I can't believe it's about to be the new year I know this year flew by you have any new year's resolutions I guess like a couple but I feel weird making those yeah I know what you mean like there's stuff I want to change but I don't know it's just hard and I always give up yeah exactly same how about you ex-assassin Danny blade I resolved to eliminate all who have wronged me each one of these names played a part in kidnapping my beloved wife my goal to kill every single one of them I just haven't gotten around to doing any of it I know I mean the resolution that's the easy part right the hard part is actually doing it I mean I've said I'm gonna lose weight for years every year I said I'm gonna spend less money and every year I just spend more exactly three years ago my dog was taken the following my daughter was taken too and now my wife has been taken three but I still haven't gotten around to any of it why do you think that is I don't know I feel like I'm doing everything right I've studied my enemy I know their whereabouts I know every single move that they'll make before they make it I tell myself Danny blade tonight you're gonna butcher 100 people that's a lot I know that's why I get so overwhelmed I get all in my head and I end up not killing anybody Oh Danny blade you are singing my life with your words right now strumming my pain it's like why don't I just get my to the gym already I always say I'm too busy but last night instead of going to the warehouse to slaughter all of the cartel I ended up watching hours of YouTube videos on how to sharpen knives my knives are plenty sharp I should be out there using them well you know every journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step wow that is so powerful I saw it on a poster at Pep Boys it might have been change your oil every 3,000 miles I don't remember still powerful either way you know you're right we need to take it a day at a time you know make simple achievable goals instead of killing everyone in one night maybe I should set a goal to kill one person a day change is hard I just wish there was a magical bullet that I can shoot at one person and it would just fly around and kill everyone yeah like wanted yes I want it no like the movie wanted what it has the bullet that you're talking about like get shot into a bunch of different people's head all at once like I don't you know what I'm talking about mm-hmm want it want it I want it look you know what I think we do you a lot of good it changing your outlook well I did start a bullet journal each bullet is meant for a different enemy seeing them labeled and organized really helps me make sense of it all that's great that's awesome you know what we should do we should do like regular check-ins you know for accountability if you need to reach me take this coin to the bar at the hotel estrella ask for a man named Paolo he'll know what to do I feel like I could just give you my cell phone number too easy to track trust the coin hey I got four pizzas for the cast of College humor who ordered them oh my god that pizza would have ruined my diet thank you Danny blade that's one name off the list this feels great I earned a cheat day let's go to hey it's just if you like College humor and to support us sign up for dropout the low price of a quirky pair of socks that show off your fun side per month you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the dropout discord and exclusive content like the latest episodes of the erotic book club podcast there's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe sign up for your free trail today trial that was a typo I don't have any trails to give away I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that I buy land I guess God |
dropout | the_dark_knight_meets_superman_part_2 | So, uh, stop any crime, and if Lois asks, I'm judging a space bikini contest in the Cancun dimension, okay? I know how to guard a city. I'm Gotham's Dark Knight, their rooftop protector, their unseen wraith of- Yeah, rock. Anyway, I am outta here. Oh, the Justice League is around if you need any help.
Skagit! Shh! Oh. Hey! So, uh, what's your thing?
With the mantle of the bat, I instill fear in the hearts of criminals. Ooh, bat powers. Cool. Um, well, yeah, they're sort of, like, powers, I guess.
Hold that thought. Just got an SMS text, Barry, says Darkseid's terrorizing downtown. Again.
Let's get to work! Uh, guys? Oh, no, I-I don't-really, I-I... Quick!
Use your bat powers! Your bat power is a rope?
Well, no! Not just-not just a rope. Watch this! Ah!
Oh, hey, what about magic rings? If you have any magic rings, you could use those.
Uh, I think he might just be a guy in a bat costume.
My personal warp hole generator! No! Nice one, noob!
Do you guys-do you guys feel that? What was that? Oh, that's just his multi-dimensional space army thing. No biggish. Uh, Brady-X trying to sink Australia. Again. Bats, you cool to clean up here? Well... Hey, uh, anybody see my SpongeBob cozy around? Oh, crap. Space Army Tuesday again? Shh! What the f-you-you have freeze breath? I don't know, I guess. Seriously, you didn't say the little SpongeBob guy, no?
Superman!
Downtown was just leveled for the tenth time this week! Has God truly abandoned Metropolis?
Actually, Superman didn't save the day today. He did eventually, of course. But, uh, this little ordinary guy here was a hero too, right? Yeah! I mean, don't get me wrong, this guy is not a superhero by any stretch of the imagination.
But, I mean, even without the laser eyes, he is... I mean, look, this guy is so fragile, one bullet could kill him. One bullet!
I mean, what the f- is that? Am I right? Oh, man! What was I talking about? I was totally going somewhere with this.
Bullets. Wasn't that what killed your parents? Yeah, my parents died because the planet blew up. Kind of puts that whole bullet thing into perspective, huh?
Yeah. Hmm. Deep. You and me, man, we're... we're done professionally. |
SaturdayNightLive | british_cavemen_snl | You're watching Netgeo, coming up at eight snow apes, white fur, big red asses.
But now, a new series on early Man. 40,000 years ago, cavemen roamed the earth, the whole earth, including the parts you don't normally think about. this is British Cavemen. 40,000 b.c. the area that will one day become modern London. In fossil records, modern computer models are now able to reconstruct these primitive men. how they looked, how they moved, even how they sounded. observe as two British cavemen discover the bones of an unfamiliar beast. their world was governed by a strict social hierarchy, with each knowing their place.
See them now. the warriors. the upper class. perking class. even little cave children. the poor child is distressed because she can't find her father. But it's 3 P.m. so of course, he's at the local watering hole, drinking fermented grain. here we see him making outlandish claims to a female member of the tribe. In the Hole is also a place for storytelling. here we see an early form of gossip. they can do this for hours, and no one ever gets annoyed. here, an attractive female peruses the local art. she's interrupted, though, by a peacocking young male from the genus Amicus Michjagoras. she likes it, and in response, she gives a beautiful smile.
And now something amazing happens. the toughest member of the tribe has just created fire. shortly after, he's also the first to discover that fire is hot. refusing to show pain, he keeps a stiff upper lip. the pain intensifies. he lets out a small whimper. at last, the agony is so great, it inspires him to utter the first modern phrase. Remarkable. truly, these were British cavemen. when we return, a stranger arrives from a distant shore. the French Caveman.
Huh, huh, huh!
British Caveman. 40,000 b.c. the area that will one day become modern London. using fossil records, modern computer models are now able to reconstruct these primitive men. how they looked, how they moved, even how they sounded. observe as two British cavemen discover the bones of an unfamiliar beast.
Oh!
Their world was governed by a strict social hierarchy, with each knowing their place. See them now. the warriors. the upper class. the working class. good little cave children. the poor child is distressed because she can't find her father.
But it's 3 p.m.
So of course, he's at the local watering hole, drinking fermented grain. here we see him making outlandish claims to a female member of the tribe. hole is also a place for storytelling. here we see an early form of gossip. they can do this for hours, and no one ever gets annoyed. here, an attractive female peruses the local art. she's interrupted though by a peacocking young male from the genus Amicus, Mick Jaggerus. she likes it, and in response, she gives a beautiful smile. And now something amazing happens. the toughest member of the tribe has just created fire. shortly after, he's also the first to discover that fire is hot. refusing to show pain, he keeps a stiff upper lip. the pain intensifies. he lets out a small whimper. at last, the agony is so great, it inspires him to utter the first modern phrase. Remarkable. truly, these were British cavemen. when we return, a stranger arrives from a distant shore. the French caveman. |
dropout | JUUL_CEO_No_More_Advertising_to_Kids | Hello America, I'm Matt Stuhl, CEO of Juul, the makers of America's favorite electronic cigarettes. We've recently come under fire for our advertisements targeting young children, and as the face of this company, I just want to tell you, we are so sorry. We would never market for the developing brains of America's future, because, bottom line, that's what children are, they're our future. So as a special apology, I'd like to issue all Juul users a free pack of our expanded flavors.
That means you get Cherry Berry Unicorn, Blue Raspberry Rainbow, and Minecraft. That's a game. What the hell, what would Minecraft taste like? It tastes earthy.
Oh, I have never seen Blue Raspberry marketed to anyone over the age of 10. I like Blue Raspberry. No you don't! I think children barely like Blue Raspberry.
Oh boy. You gotta dump it, you gotta dump all of it. Yeah, all my Juuls stock, I don't care, partially vested is fine, we got maybe less than a week. Hold on, sorry.
We at Juul know that adults love our product, but don't want the hassle of keeping their e-cigarettes away from kids. Which is why Juul owners can now receive our special Juul carrying case. It's got plenty of space for your Juul device, and up to four Juul pods, with enough room left over for a sandwich and a milk carton. Lunch box, gang! Anyone disagree? It's a Juul carrying case. Yellow, red, pink, green, blue, black. Those are the exact colors of the Power Rangers. We want adults to use this! One adult in their right mind is going to put their Juul pods in a brightly colored lunch box next to a carton of milk.
I used that for myself. You used this as a Juul carrying case? Yeah. Cool. Show it to me. Show me yours that you use.
My kid took it to school by accident. Your child took it to school by accident?
Whatever did he think it was? Lunch. That's what I'm fucking talking about! The thing's got fucking lunch!
We're also happy to announce our first foray into long form content with the release of our new show, Just Juul, about a hapless guy who runs a Juul shop. Okay, that's not actually that bad. So not only is this a children's cartoon, but we are flagrantly ripping off Pokemon! That's Pikachu. Squirtle Bulbasaur Charmander. And the exact font! That's a child! Technically, he's 475 years old.
Then why did you draw him like this? Do you understand how fucked we are? Pulling this shit with this government? We'd be all better off committing more crimes than this level of copyright infringement. Why are they fucking making bedroom eyes? If we fuck with Pikachu, it's our a**.
This is a child's backpack. That's an adult backpack? Look at me! And say what you said! Adult backpack. You're never walking again! What are you doing?
This is for babies. I feel like the flavor train might end, gang. When the little kids get the popcorn lung and their soft little squishy lungs and they're dead, I feel like that's the last stop on the flavor train! Honk honk! What happened to this country? They're hard to get.
We're monsters. It won't be fun at all! |
ClickHole | incredible_courage_women_talk_about_the_emotional_decision_to_donate_their_eggs_to_the_egg_pit | As a woman, sometimes we're faced with decisions that not only affect our bodies, but also our hearts. And my decision to donate my eggs to the Egg Pit changed me forever. When I finally donated my eggs to the Egg Pit and watched them drop off that 5,000-foot cliff into the pile of eggs below, I made sure I had the support of my husband, family and friends.
Well, I remember sitting nervously in the waiting room of my doctor's office. And when he came in, he looked me in the eye and said, I have incredible news for you.
You have so many eggs inside of you that if you don't get them out right now, you're going to explode. And so I said, but I don't want to explode. And then he said, well, then you're going to have to donate your eggs to the Egg Pit. I remember standing at the edge of the Egg Pit and shooting eggs out of my body until I was completely empty inside. At that point, all that was left of me was a hollow, human-shaped husk of skin, which immediately deflated and fell to the ground. You just never think of how big the physical toll donating your eggs will be until your sack of skin collapses and then gets blown around by the wind until it gets caught on a tree branch hanging over the side of the Egg Pit. I honestly thought I could travel to the Egg Pit at the center of the desert and then just pick my life back up the next day like nothing even happened. What was I thinking, you know? Honestly, I had never really considered donating my eggs to the Egg Pit.
But one night, my sister came over to my house, and I could tell something was very wrong. She told me she had been trying for years to donate her eggs to the Egg Pit, but when she finally did, something horrible had happened, and apparently a lizard had gotten into the Egg Pit and eaten all the eggs. If the lizard ate your eggs that day, I want you to know that you're not any less of a woman. I believe that God has a different path for everyone, and sometimes that means a lizard eating all of your eggs out of the Egg Pit until it explodes. It's been years, but even now, I can't help but think about the eggs I donated, and I wonder if they're still sitting in the Egg Pit or if any of them even became strong enough to escape. Sometimes, I wonder if an egg strong enough to grow arms and legs is going to crawl its way out of the Egg Pit, march to my house, knock on my door, and say the words, I am strong enough to kill you.
And then it'll pick me up and throw me in the Egg Pit, where I'll starve to death because there's not many sandwiches down there in the Egg Pit. Yeah, I think about that a lot. I came from the pit, so I'll return to the pit. That's that. It's been over 10 years since I threw my eggs in the Egg Pit, and I wouldn't take it back for anything. The Egg Pit is my grave, and I'm excited. |
TheOnion | Joad_Cressbeckler_Immigrants_Who_Survive_Arizona_Desert_Deserve_Citizenship | See, tail end of my sit and talk without sharpening about the best way to braid an ox head over to Joe's Web for all the extrusive continents and what have you. Got all kinds of wares of selling too, you can get your Congrass t-shirts thereabouts. Now, I been thinking on it about all them Mexican Spaniards been caught dead in the American desert, and it seems fellas out there seeking fortune by hustling across the dry lands with nothing to feed on but gall nippers and cactus roots, got more American in them than these quimbos in Congress.
Now, Jody's got Roberto Chavez sitting on the screen. He's running a support system that'll help these poncho walkers, and I salute him. Thank you, Jod, I appreciate you taking up this issue.
Because of our faulty policies, immigrants are dying every day. Roberto, if a man ain't cooked crisp on the hellfire desert, he ought to be left on his own. Well, right, Jod. Immigrants are desperate for a better way of life and will do whatever it takes to get- Oh, you need the strongest of these crude backward browns to keep us all alive.
I see the ones that can swim the Rio Grande too. Roberto, you swum that border river to get here, ain't you? Jod, not all Mexicans came here by swimming the Rio Grande. No, no, no, no, I got sympathy. I crossed Huron Lake in the barrel myself using hands as paddles, lived off the carp, what jumped at me? Now, you swum that river, ain't you? No, Jod, actually, I was born here. What you know about hard work, ain't never swum no river. What kind of man are you, Bartow Chisler? No, Jod, my parents, they were immigrants, just like many immigrants.
I see, you ain't never know the man till you seen his teeth. Show him your teeth. Too many teeth rotten out shows you're dishonest in the mind. You got strong, man-full teeth, Bartow, I apologize. Close up.
Well, Jod, what America needs is a common sense immigration policy that separates the criminals... Governor, stop sniffing Mexicans. Start sniffing for coal rep thieving money barons at me. We'll never secure our borders with a failed policy like we have here. Now my beauregard can sniff the guilt out on a man's hide and he'll start barking like a buckskin in any crime.
Hey, come up here, bud. I'll pass this old fellow on to you right now, Bartow. Jod, what America needs is a... There it goes. That's the way. Yeah.
Tune in tomorrow morning to Today Now. We'll look back at Jim's week as a polygamist. Oh, it's going to be fun. |
SaturdayNightLive | la_maison_du_bang_snl | Welcome to Sonic Pioneers. I'm Imani Celeste. I wanted to be a singer, but now I do this.
Tonight, we look at one of the most influential French television programs in the 1970s, the wild and wonderful La Maison du Bang. ushering in a new era of disco, europop, and outrageous fashion, La Maison du Bang was hosted by real-life married couple Jules and Camille, who created that wonderful theme song. In France, in the 70s, the smoking age was 11 for girls, and for boys, 4. La Maison du Bang featured some of Europe's most popular artists, including Tippi Tornade, The Dancing Tornado, with her hit, Help, You're Making Me Dance. the show also featured Coco Dubois with her hit, Nous Partons. Unfortunately, Coco was a heavy smoker, and in 1974, she contracted emphysema in real time live on the show.
Take a look. La Maison du Bang aired from 1972 to 1979, the golden age of funk, and no one in France was more funky than Les Garcons du Groove, two white guys from Toulouse. here they are with their hit, La Papillon. Yep, there's Tippi Tornade again, who became a regular on the show because she was actively squatting in the studio. the swinging 70s were on full display in La Maison du Bang. in 1977, dance-pop artist Del Polion performed a song called hue Hue Hue Long, where he explicitly picked women out of the audience to be escorted back to his dressing room. the show wasn't just about music, it also featured fun variety acts like the popular mime, Spiro. Spiro had never done television and accidentally stood too close to the camera. Take a look.
Probably the most popular segment on La Maison du Bang was called Mont La Dance, or Turn Up The Dance. Jules would turn a giant dial to up the intensity of Camille's dancing. Take a look. the show lasted nine years. unfortunately, La Maison du Bang was canceled in 1979 after Jules and Camille divorced due to irreconcilable murder. But the show's legacy will live on. Arvoir du Bang, Arvoir. for Sonic Pioneers, I'm Imani Kalani. |
TheOnion | Cash_Strapped_PBS_Releases_Nova_Special_On_Physics_Behind_Rhythmically_Bouncing_Breasts | The nation is down to its last 100 grown-ups, and everyone but you is attending an important meeting in the other room. And now a video recap of the week's news for those with severe long-term memory problems.
Bolstered by an influx of federal funds, Planned Parenthood announced the opening of its new $8 billion abortionplex, a sprawling facility where thousands of women can easily end unwanted pregnancies and go enjoy the complex's many fine shops and restaurants. Officials said the abortionplex can terminate one fetus every three seconds, and they hope to make it a regular visiting place for women who can't be bothered to use birth control.
According to witnesses, some nutjob dumped a full load of mulch in a pretty ballsy location this week. Onlookers said that the mulch's placement demonstrates a clear lack of giving a flying fuck, and speculated that the perpetrator must have a swinging pair of stones down there. In baseball, Scott Erickson tries to sell his 1994 no-hitter on eBay, and in the NBA, a heroic TNT sound engineer turns off the volume on Magic Johnson's microphone. In local news, with just two weeks left of school, fourth-grader Adam Peters finally figures out how to look at his teacher without staring at her lazy eye. And in other headlines, the updated U.S. citizenship test only asks immigrants, Do you like hot dogs? A desperate PBS premieres Nova Boobs-a-Bouncin', and a lunatic acknowledges that the thing he just screamed in the middle of the street is not entirely true. We've arrived at a comfortable stopping point. For more stories, videos, and a sneak peek at The Onion Magazine's annual Vanity Fair issue, go to theonion.com slash review. |
dropout | the_secret_to_a_perfect_body_genetics | You've tried diet after diet and still can't lose those stubborn pounds I'm here to share the secret that gave me the amazing body. I have today. It's called genetics you believe this is me just 12 years ago, and I finished going through puberty and thanks to genetics Well, my body naturally just fell into shape. It's amazing, but it's not just me Listen, all these other people were completely satisfied with their genetics with genetics I only need to go to the gym once a week and that's just for a shower and a smoothie Genetics gave me a strangely large lung capacity and long limbs. You'd have to devote years of training just to match my natural ability I'm pretty normal looking but genetics gave me a high metabolism so I can eat anything I want without gaining a pound and that's good enough for me with the right genetics You can look great and feel great.
It's safe. It's natural and best of all It's a hundred percent free.
But how does it work? My father is a very attractive man who through being so good-looking was able to seduce my mom A very attractive woman and they produce me an even more attractive version of both of them still not convinced Well, check out some of the other benefits of good genetics genetics has given me a naturally symmetrical face that everybody just loves I'll never get Parkinson's disease. I Have an enormous penis seriously, it's like the neck of a violin. So are you ready to give genetics a try? Too bad You cannot order new genetics because you cannot change your genetics You don't like the genetics you have there's nothing you can do about just find a way to make the best of what you Were born with that's all any of us can really do genetics Do not determine your fate and some things are still within your control work to change what you can and don't worry about the stuff You can't today Okay, because these videos matter we're here right now doing it coney 2012 gotta find him where is he I don't know He's the bad guy |
TheBetootaAdvocate | George_Miller_the_FURIOSA_Filmmaker_on_the_Origins_of_His_Storytelling_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE | Welcome home to the last video store a celebration of cinema movies films and the motion pictures You will discover and love for the rest of your life I am your host Alexei Toliopoulos and it is my duty as the sole clerk manning the counter here to act as Guard and guardian of all of the films ever made that sit here on our shelves of our infinite archive Typically, I'm joined by one guest who will talk to me about some of their favorite films ever made in the style of An old-school video store rental combo plus a staff pick for me based on their taste But today is a little bit different and a lot of bit special because we are celebrating the release of the decades most exciting action film spectacle Furiosa a Mad Max saga which enabled me to live out a lifelong ambition To talk to one of my true cinematic heroes Dr. George Miller the director and mastermind of Furiosa a Mad Max saga Mad Max Fury Road and Lorenzo's oil Furiosa Mad Max saga is a miracle the kind of cinematic achievement that is only Possible when you've got the great masters of the cinematic language steering the rig I've been dreaming of talking to dr. George Miller my entire life as a Greek Australian He's been truly one of my actual heroes, so let's get straight into my chat With a good dr. George Miller Firstly I want to say thank you very much for having forged such a great film career while being Greek I think that definitely helped me getting into the arts a little bit convincing my parents Yeah, and I guess because of that the question I've always wanted to ask you being Greek is so core to who I am and the lens which I see the world Yeah, how do you feel or are you conscious of expressing your Greekness through your films? well, it's um the There is an element of that first of all my my parents came To Australia at the early part of the 20th century when they were infants really my mother when she was two My father when they were nine and we lived out in rural Australia and our culture was Greek Sort of Unwittingly in other words my father and mother every Sunday There would be they would have this big Big spread and people would come from all over the country not not Greek people Yeah, the people who come because there's a place called Chinchilla in Queensland.
They come from all over and There were and there would be Food it would start about midday and go into the evening. There were up to 25 people multi-generational from babies to grandmothers and whatever and And that was just a natural part of growing up with my brothers. It wasn't until decades later I went back to the island where my father came from from Kythera from Kythera and I he and I realized that he was Reproducing the life that he experienced as a child on the Greek island Where there was that big spread the family often an extended family would turn up and go right into the night Most of the food the cheese is the wine everything the bread was made in in the village and and so my father was The Was taken from that it was trying to reproduce the yeah that he from which he was taken as a child He he you know with economic basically With the economic conditions just after World War one There was a big diaspora to two countries like Australia and so so that that was one thing that picked up and yeah going on too long the other thing I noticed is when I we did go back was how stories were integrated so much into the culture people were telling stories about the island and People as like great-great-great grandfathers as if they knew them intimately They but they died a century or two before so that but that's I realized now in all cultures One way or another it's all cultures and so that's that that's had a big influence, but also we had a big influence is I think the The most unique thing we have in this country and that's our our indigenous culture, which is the longest existing continuous culture that we have On the planet and also a culture of storytelling as well. It's all driven by story and story which aren't just Decorative or whatever. They are highly pragmatic. They really explain everything in the In the world and the universe everything and and and so so I Realized now that unconsciously there are two cultures the Greek storytelling culture going back to the classic time the the Was inadvertently influential the the the the family Storytelling culture. I grew up with a twin brother. Yeah, we always were telling each other stories and and then and then the broader cultural thing and particularly the Living in this country and getting to know even even when we're kids We I wasn't aware of it We you know, we had we went to school with indigenous kids and and spent a lot of time in the bush with them and I Didn't really quite understand it then but I since have got to understand a lot a lot more And I think we in Australia do yeah, so story story We're hardwired for story and I've just been lucky enough to be spending most of my life Still trying to figure out how to tell stories.
Well, I think you figured it out, but I'd love you to keep trying Yeah, I'm gonna keep trying. Yeah I love hearing you talk about story so much because when I think about you as a filmmaker Especially an expert in genre filmmaking The way you use genre is so interesting to me because you use it as this tool to communicate to audiences Your themes are so relevant and so up-to-date Can you talk to me about using genre as a language to correct very directly to audiences? Well, when you look at stories and and and and the purpose of stories they are they have always been the glue that made sense of everything around us in in the absence of any coherence as is Here we're in, you know in we inundated by information It's it's it's it gets to be just a cacophony And and how do you find the signal in the noise? How do you find meaning or get a sense of it and the only tool we have? Because it's something that's intrinsic to us is telling each other stories Whether it's a stand-up comedian whether it's someone you meet at the bus stop whether it's a family story whether it's a You know a cultural Mythology Whether it's about your football team or a political party or whatever whether it's a you know, one of the great religious traditions of which there are many You know amongst us as humans in many many forms. All of those are part of the same process and Even the scientific narratives the great scientific narratives. So it's the way and and and most of them Allegorical and the big attraction for me is is you know is being able to tell stories so whether it's a story about You know a talking pig or a dancing penguin or a post-apocalyptic you know road warriors or It's all the same process that they are even a great news story or a great Documentary has that that that subtextural thing that sort of is making sense according to the the according to the beholder Stories are apprehended by those who receive the story and they make sense of it according to their own world view And that's that's why you know, I'm still Drawn to telling stories like Furiosa and why it's still important.
Yeah. Yeah, I think yeah the person who Articulated this by father best was Joseph Campbell He and and he he earned the the he earned his authority because he spent 40 |
SaturdayNightLive | mom_is_on_facebook_saturday_night_live | Oh, man, looks like you have a new friend request. Oh, my God, this cannot be happening. Well, it finally happened.
Your mom is on Facebook posting things like. October means getting all my fall motif sweaters down. or maybe I should just leaf them up there. ha, ha, ha. I am laughing out loud on the floor. Sure, she likes posting about her life, but she loves getting into yours. who's your new friend? she looks ill. now you have to watch everything you say, unless you get the damn it, My Mom is on Facebook Filter. it's the only app that scans your Facebook page for stuff about drugs, alcohol, sex, references to your atheism, and opinions. Go ahead and type something that your mom would hate. there isn't enough beer in the world for me to deal with all of Glenn Beck's Holy Roller Bs. Now apply the damn it. My Mom is on Facebook filter.
Boy, do I need new dungarees?
I got a $5 coupon from Kohl's. I'll send it to you.
See, the damn it. my mom is on Facebook filter does what you do naturally. it lies to your mom. sweet. even changing your photos to make them more mom friendly. The damn it. My mom is on Facebook filter for when your mom discovers Facebook. like. And the damn it, my Mom is on Facebook filter. |
TheOnion | Is_Andrew_Luck_Fully_Recovered_From_His_Quadruple_Amputation_Surgery | Good morning, my wet little sweat beads.
We're talking NFL bounce back candidates, and I've got my eyes on Andrew Luck. But the biggest question, of course, will he be fully recovered from the quadruple amputation surgery he had last October? The Colts say he's progressing ahead of schedule and could be ready to go when the team reports to training camp in July. That's good news for Colts fans, but is it too optimistic? And when he does come back, will he be able to get back to being the top five quarterback he was when he had two arms and two legs?
I say, why not?
If anyone can return to form after a surgery like this, it's him. The kids got grit. And I think with this new look, Luck could take Indianapolis pretty far. Just this week, we heard he was able to put the ball between his neck and chest and kind of move it around with his chin a little bit. The team says his teeth are getting much stronger, and he's able to sit upright for a few good minutes without falling over. It's all encouraging.
Colts fans are no strangers to long QB recoveries. We all remember how long it took Peyton Manning to come back after the doctors removed his spinal cord in 2011, but they can breathe a sigh of relief here. With the announcement last week that Luck actually won't have to have his head removed, too, like originally thought, looks like the Colts really dodged a bullet. And hey, even if he's not back to 100%, I'd still take an 80% Andrew Luck torso over any of their backup QBs.
Alright, coming up after the break. With the third pick in this year's NFL Draft, should the New York Jets consider trading down to a spot that won't be as embarrassing to fuck up? |
cracked | celebrity_body_parts_that_have_made_infamous_movie_cameos | of American Beauty is almost as famous as the movie itself. But did you ever wonder whose hand and stomach this is? Most people think it's the movie's lead, Mina Sugari, but it's Christina Hendrix. Christina was only 24 in 1999 and had yet to appear in any movies or TV shows when she agreed to what she thought was a routine modeling job. It ended with her right hand becoming world famous. The stomach belongs to an actress named Chloe Hunter because for some reason we did different versions of her hand and her stomach and my stomach and her hand and my hand and both according to Christina. She only got paid a hundred bucks for that.
Now I hate to ruin the movie magic for you, but Kate Winslet did not lay on this couch the entire time that Leo painted her like one of his French girls. In fact, Leo wasn't the one drawing her at all. Bizarre in his hands, shocker. To create the scene, Kate Winslet was photographed on a couch in a bathing suit, which James Cameron later used as a reference when he was filming his own hand sketching her. This actually created a continuity issue because James Cameron is left-handed and Leo is not. |
cracked | the_archie_comics_sex_reboot_no_one_asked_for_riverdale | Hey Bridget, did you know they're making a show about the Archie comics? Oh boy, did I? And am I excited? Uh, let's watch the trailer.
Okay, Riverdale, the name of the town. And like a really... This is real spooky. Real spooky slow soundtrack. Ooh, it's making out. A lot of bird shots of dead body. Yeah, it's really like Twin Peaks-y. Yeah, this is dark. This is not what I... Oh, and a murder. ...would think Archie's about.
He bangs a teacher! He bangs a teacher.
I don't remember that from the comics. That is not part of it. I'm pretty sure statutory rape isn't in the Archie comics. Is that lovable comics? Yeah, I don't remember people f***ing Riverdale. I don't think people f***ing Riverdale.
I think they held hands and they wore each other's pins. Yeah, they went steady.
Also Archie was like a nice guy who everyone liked, but he was like, I don't know what to do with all this attention. Here he seems like this guy who's like getting f***y everywhere. Yeah, he's on shirtless runs.
Well, he comes up to this teacher and he's like, give me an A. I think the girl with the black hair is Veronica, because I would assume so. She comes up to them at the diner and says something very strange. I'm breakfast at Tiffany's, but this place is strictly in cold blood. You know, when teens make Truman Capote references.
Were you more of a Betty or Veronica fan? I think just like to show solidarity with fellow brunettes, I was a Veronica fan. She was like, she had black hair. But like, Betty was so much cooler. Yeah, but like I just, Veronica was kind of a b***h. Veronica was a b***h. I liked Betty, but now I like Veronica as an adult, because I'm like, she's just.
She knows what she was doing. Yeah, she had a lot more like self-esteem. I think you have to have a lot of self-esteem as a teenager.
Or money, maybe. She had a boat. Yeah, she had a boat. Just money.
Is Jughead a murderer? Is a Jughead supposed to be like a goofy loser a little bit? Yeah, he just eats a ton of cheeseburgers. And I like the idea that they're like, all right, and the comics Jughead wears a crown.
We can either get rid of that or try to make it look normal. Give him a beanie. Beanie with a crown on it.
He obviously did the murder. That's the hat of a murderer. That's a murderer's hat.
Yeah, he's hiding a finger in there or something. The crowns. The points of the crowns are just fingers.
I guess they're trying to hammer home that this is a murder. A jighead thriller. And there's murder and blood in it.
You know, those sexy teen murder shows that also coincide with our loveable 50s comics. I'm assuming they're trying to like mimic the popularity of Gossip Girl. They were like sexy teens. Archie, they weren't meant to be sexy teens. They were like books my mother sent me at summer camp. This is weird. They were cool in like...
I'll probably watch it. Hi Jinxy. Oh my god, I'm definitely gonna watch it.
This is like the perfect crossover of like bitchy teens who watch Gossip Girl and nerds who read Archie comics. We don't get catered too much. I'm interested, but it's still like there's a disconnect between what I see Archie. Right, and I feel like they're really trying to back away because all you get is Riverdale. Well, there's a classic CW move though. Like Smallville is like that. Although Smallville has the love triangle that I think this should have. If I kill my CW teen dramas, there will be a love triangle. Probably a love octagon.
Yeah, just kind of everyone won't be f***ing. I can already call what's gonna be in this show. Yeah, there's gonna be, yeah, well, I guess teacher, student sex. There's gonna be a girl who's lesbian but like hasn't come out yet and needs to come into it all. That's very CW. There's gonna be another teen with a drinking problem. Oh yeah, there's gonna be like the OC thing of like a teen who just lives alone for some reason and like lives their cool life. Oh, there's gonna be people who find out their brothers. Very classic.
Oh my god, Jughead and Archie are related. Jughead and Archie, oh, oh.
I think my goal is to be like live in a CW show but not as any of the main characters. Just like one of the teens in the hallways. Because there's always all this drama, but then the usually like the people who live there get to just be around it. I want to be the one who's like everyone there's a fight outside and then everyone runs outside.
Just like curious as to whether teens will watch this. Being like, oh Archie. Yeah, teens let us know. Yeah. In the comments. Will you watch Riverdale with me? Let's finally have like all the friends I thought I had in high school where we like came over and watched things together and talked and had fun. Oh, there's probably gonna be a vine star in this. There's definitely a vine star. Never mind teens, you're the worst. Hey guys, thanks for watching that video. Hey, thanks. Like, subscribe, do the YouTube stuff. Yeah, let us know in the comments what you think about Riverdale and these CW dark reboots of teen comics. Yeah.
Name all the people are too skinny. It's gonna be a lot. |
TheOnion | Who_s_Fucking_Zack_and_Evan | Zach and I met at work. You know, we didn't even get along at first. I mean, he had this sort of hipster, trendy thing going on that I don't usually go for. But we realized we had more in common than we thought. And here we are, fucking for eight months and counting. I usually tell people that we've only been fucking for seven and a half months. Well, I like to count the time that I blew Zach in the supply closet. It's funny, we worked together for, what, almost two years before we started fucking? I mean, we wanted to get into each other's asses before that, but something just kept us apart. I mean, I was fucking Harry at the time. By the time we stopped fucking, Zach was fucking Susan.
One day, I just decided to go for it. We had an elevator to ourselves, right? And without saying anything, I started to massage his cock through his pants. Now, part of me wasn't sure if he'd rub my back, but I took a chance.
And after that, we were fucking. Yeah. It's the first you remember, you know? Like, the first time we fucked in the shower. Or the first time we fucked at the park. Do you remember the first time we fucked with the closeted guy watching and jerking off?
What was his name? Dan. Yeah, that's it. Dan.
Boy, he sure came like crazy. I still remember Paris. We took a vacation to Paris, and Evan just suddenly turned to me. And he told me that I could fucking bareback. I mean, I suspected before that that he might use the trip to tell me, but that doesn't make the moment any less incredible. I know Paris is cliche, I'll admit, but you know what? All that matters is Zach is pounding me raw, dawg.
What else is there, you know? I don't know. |
cracked | the_gop_s_town_hall_meetings_are_the_funniest_things_on_tv_after_the_trump_4 | Cody Johnston. Tom Ryman. Alex Schmidt.
Guys, I'm gonna just say, what a fun episode. It's fun.
It's always a heavy show and then you get just these like, this slew of town hall meetings. It's like Trump versus the people. You have this, this Shavits guy who's like in charge of investigating the Trump character. And his first town hall, it's the first one we've seen and everybody goes and everybody's so mad and they're just yelling at him and then he's like, oh, they're not real. They're not even in my district. These are fake people. And then you just see like a montage, no, town hall after town hall after town hall after town hall, all these people are like, no, we're real and we're very mad. In this show, so many things have happened on this administration and now there's like the crowd, the mass of people actually affected by it.
They're speaking up and they have one voice, which is convenient from a writing system. And they're all mad about so many things and it's all the same stuff. I wonder if they're going to keep doing the sort of Greek chorus thing where it's just everybody's saying the same thing in unison. It's like, oh shit, nothing we're doing is right. The crowds, like I really would have enjoyed more messages, not just, I'm very worried about health care and you're destroying the country, like something beyond those two things over and over again in every city.
I love, oh, great moment. I loved the one character, like it's like really on the nose names, Cotton something. Tom Cotton.
And he's getting yelled at by this child. And then he's finally like, okay, well, I heard you. I gotta, I gotta, I'm sorry, I have to cut this short. I gotta go. And then the one guy in the front row is like, thanks for coming. It's so ridiculous. First of all, getting yelled at by, by a bunch of children and Holocaust survivors. And then they're thinking, oh boy, I gotta go home and tell the president about this. Everyone is, Cameron and Ferris Bueller's Day Offers sitting in their car like, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, cuz no one wants to have that conversation.
No, she does. Such a, such a format break for the show. Yeah. Like a really, cuz it was so, I mean there's been like funny stuff in the show, like the Spice Man, but like this was the first episode that's just been completely like broadly commuted. Right, it's like a little slapstick. I have expected when they said at the CPAC like, oh, I heard those protesters are paid that we would jump cut to all of them holding up their bank statements showing that they have no money because the middle class in this universe is dissolved. Oh, we got to see Marco Rubio again. Finally.
I feel like the last time we saw him was like last season. Like right at the convention when he's on tape. Just saying like, yeah, I support him. Yeah, it was the episode, the episode that opened with him proudly saying, I will never support this man and closed with him like sweating and cold saying, I like our new president, I'm a big fan. That was the last we saw him. And then finally we see him out in the wild, just getting chased by people who are mad at him. Like you forget that in the show he's still in politics. Right. You forget that like in the reality of the show he didn't just like disappear and go hide somewhere. He's like still technically in government. Yeah, I feel like a really ridiculous back-and-forth retcon kind of writing where he said he wouldn't run to get reelected when he was running for president and then he ran to get reelected in the Senate and then somehow he won.
It felt like they were really just jerking us around as a writing staff, but it was leading to this which is so it all it all paid off. Like my fate's back. So we're just about out of time. This is normally when we get into predictions, but I think there's not too much we can get from this episode because we didn't we didn't spend a lot of time with the main ensemble.
I mean it seems like either President Trump character does something to get people to like him again or they never like him again and then how wacky would it be like his ego wins out over his agenda? Like meaning he's so desperately wants everyone to like him then it becomes the best president this one has ever seen. They can shame him.
I really wanted all the money in the world, but I want that eight-year-old to call me his hero. So what does he want? Better schools, better healthcare? Okay, I guess I'll do that now.
It seems like the other plot line I get pushes the impeachment sort of thing, you know because they're doing this this really ridiculous conceit where every Republican congressman is still supporting him, which is not it's not believable, but they need to do some kind of set up for something turns them you know and that could have been this episode, but maybe you don't have a show if he gets impeached. It's hard to say. Like he would still be on board if the season ended and Trump like pressed a button on the White House and was like couldn't do it on this planet and there's like goes to some other earth-like planet. You guys need a president? It is so hard to tell where the show is gonna go.
Yeah, but I'm excited to find out. Love it.
Thank you guys so much for joining us. That's all the time we have on after the Trump. Make sure you tweet at the at after the Trump account and why don't you tell us what Trump's next planet is gonna be like. Alright, thanks everybody. I think it'll be hashtag Trump planet.
I think it'll be an exact Star Trek thing where it's like he's at mafia planet and he's like oh perfect. Hey, thank you for watching this show where we pretend as if what's really happening is a TV show that we're recapping. Let us know in the comments which part of it you would really like to see as a TV show. Like who would you cast as a legislator? Other details. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | philomena_cunk_vs_mark_lawson | In the 1960s, if you switch your television on, you'd get Malcolm and Wise, Cilla Black, Bob Monkhouse, David Frost. But nowadays, they're all dead. Why is that?
How come the BBC started with radio? Because radio's loads less popular than television, isn't it? There are people in radio who'd get very angry about that. It's, I mean, radio still performs tremendously well. There's still radio. There is still radio. At the time the BBC was set up, there wasn't a choice because there was no TV.
Which was your favourite of the romantics? Probably Byron, I would think. Byron was the bad boy of the romantic poets.
It's thought that he probably slept with his sister and with most other women in England. He was your favourite? Yeah. The one who slept with his sister? Well, I mean, it's not on that basis that I like him. I was just giving you a bit of background on him. Would that have shocked people, or was everyone sleeping with their sister back then?
I think it was, I mean, he spent much of his life in exile. Where's exile? Well, in his case, it was in Italy, mainly.
And he wrote Don Dewan, which is one of the greatest pieces of particularly rhyming poetry in English literature. It must be a good book if you can overlook the fact he slept with his sister.
In the 1997 election, why do you think more people voted for Tony Blair than Oasis? You're making a mistake which is quite common at the time, that because the Prime Minister or Labour Party leader at the time was called Tony Blair.
Blah. Blair. Blah. Blair. Blah. Blair. Blah. Tony Blair was Prime Minister and leader of the Labour Party. And there was one of the biggest rock or pop bands of the time was Blah. Blah. Yeah.
Why did the government start the BBC in the first place? It seems like these days, they're always trying to close it down. Was it one of those stupid mistakes they made like Brexit? The government didn't strictly start the BBC. The BBC was originally a private company in 1922.
It employed a rather fierce Scottish guy called John Wreath. And people still talk about Wreathian values and Wreathian broadcasting. Wreathian values were to inform, educate and entertain.
Well, all at the same time. Yeah. So the BBC is supposed to inform, educate or entertain. And entertain. I'm going to list some BBC things and I want you to say whether they inform, educate or entertain. Okay. News at 10. Inform. Open University. Educate. Doctor Who.
Entertain. Strictly Come Dancing. Entertain. Homes Under The Hammer. Entertain.
Inspector Phillips. What is Inspector Phillips?
Oh, I made that one up. That was just a trick question. Okay, well, it didn't work. Sounds real though, doesn't it? Inspector Phillips. No, I instantly knew that it wasn't a real one.
Eat Well For Less. It's where Greg Wallace and another man see how much a family spend on a week shopping and then criticise and make them eat porridge from Lidl.
Inform. Well done. Sorry, I wasn't totting up the scores. Thank you. |
dropout | adam_ruins_everything_how_college_loans_got_so_evil | What's up, friendo? Care for a loansky? Hit me, Loan Tender. See, Adam, student loans help people.
A lot of us wouldn't be able to go to college without them. Right? They're a necessity. That's why it's even more disturbing what they're doing to people. Sheldon, everybody's doing it. That's true.
42 million Americans have student loan debt totaling $1.3 trillion. Trillion? That's a whole lot of Pokemon go coins. Student loan debt has become the worst kind of debt.
Let me tell you a story. Before 1972, students could get federally backed loans to pay for school, but there weren't enough to go around. Please, sir, may I have a loan? All tapped out. Sorry.
But then Richard Nixon created the Student Loan Marketing Association, or as it's known today, Sallie Mae. Now, Sallie, your job is to buy loans from the bank so they can lend more, but Uncle Sam is watching, so don't be a croak. This system freed up financial institutions to issue more loans, which meant more students could go to college.
Please, just one. Look, I told you there's no more.
Whoa, thanks, Sallie. The party's on. Alright, loan responsibly now. Just loan responsibly. Seems like a good system.
It was, but the party foul began when the government moved to privatize Sallie Mae in the 1990s. I'm tired of playing chaperone. You're free, Sallie. Free market. A compromise between President Clinton and congressional Republicans cut Sallie Mae loose.
Who wants loans, bitches? Now, Sallie Mae was in it for the profits, and profits they received. They made a fortune off of government fees. This chick is awesome. I'm gonna get loaded up tonight. Sallie Mae poured their newfound wealth into projects designed to increase those profits.
Come on, dude. She's not that shady. Oh, you'd be surprised.
Fearing competition, Sallie Mae started marketing like crazy. They paid colleges to drop direct government loans and sign up for their program. Hey, ditch the clown, and this could all be yours. And sponsored cruises for financial aid officers. Oh, you boys have to come on my boat. Sallie Mae even placed undercover reps in university call centers where they tricked students into thinking they were talking to college loan officers.
You have got to meet this girl. She is so cool, and she didn't even pay me to say that.
Sallie Mae, really doing everybody dirty like that. I'm afraid so. And soon, students were stuck with the worst kind of debt you can have. Often, they're encouraged to take out more loans than they can even afford.
What's happening? Don't worry about that right now. These are the best four years of your life. Yeah, I'm 17. I know what I'm doing. Hey, my payments are super low. I'll finish these soon. Sorry, you won't.
No, many borrowers have monthly payments that are so low, they don't even cover the interest. You could be in a situation where you're paying hundreds of dollars a month, but the amount you owe is still growing. Oh god, I can't keep up with this. One in four borrowers are behind on their student loans, and over eight million are in default.
What? That's crazy. And here's where it gets really scary. Unlike other types of debt, if you default on a federal student loan, the government can garnish up to 15% of your wages, tax refunds, and social security benefits. Hell yeah! Rent money, baby! What the?
Sorry, Uncle chooses where your money goes now. And if your parents co-signed your loan, their income can be garnished too. I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. I just wanted to go here because the school colors matched my flynitz.
Adam, this is too much. We can stop! I want to file for bankruptcy! Sorry, you can't.
Sally Mae spent decades lobbying Congress to roll back consumer protections. And it all paid off in 2005, when Sally Mae won their crowning achievement.
Because now, unlike almost all other forms of debt, it is nearly impossible to declare bankruptcy for student loans. It's insane. You sign a piece of paper when you're 18, and you can get stuck for life. In 2010, the government finally cut out middlemen like Sally Mae, but it wasn't enough. A generation of Americans have had to financially cripple themselves with debt just to get the basic education that will allow them to survive in today's economy.
That's nosy, Eddie. Yeah, it is. But let me tell you about a few things you can do. For once, Adam isn't the barf boy. Hey, Adam here. If you liked that, be sure to watch all new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
dropout | hardly_working_bangkok | we're pregnant bro oh so just to see that was really beautiful and the north of Thailand has these temples that are just gorgeous and the buddhas are just gold and ornate or something yeah it sounds super I was gonna say it sounded ornate it sounded really ornate yeah what's the capital of Thailand Bangkok yeah when you least expect it who are you talking to was that slow motion when you're trying to be the wind was that where are you going what time is lunch it's whenever you want to go to lunch we're 24 so yes I'm 25 but I get what you're trying to say Hey Dan, my cock!
What do you think is wrong with Dan?
I think he's taking his shit Matt I think it's the Bangkok thing he's losing it Hey Sarah, I have a favorite act I was wondering if you could slap my cock lower lower lower get it and hit the cock no no please don't judge me just a tap sir I paid my taxes for 20 years I can't get anybody to slap my cock see if Uncle Sam will slap my cock you don't know what it's like you people probably wake up and have a cock slap after a bagel when Johnny comes marching home again hurrah you don't have a soul I got something I got a cock hurrah hurrah please please guys I have something to say I don't need any of you to slap my cock oh hey man, does the sufferer still stand? yeah |
dropout | tim_cook_s_first_day_on_the_job_with_christopher_mcdonald | Hello everyone. You may have seen me in and around the offices. My name is Mr. Cook and I'll be running things in Mr. Jobs' episode. You suck. Alright, uh, has anyone seen Arlene head of retail? I'm right over here. Well, uh, according to this... Mr. Jobs changed the seating chart. Obviously. Okay, not supposed to have gum in here. Alright, um, I would like to get some progress reports from everyone. Design team.
I'm sorry, I don't think we've met. Your name is?
Uh, Spongebob? Spongebob Squarepants.
See, we have a comedian in the room. I love comedy.
But, uh, right now let's focus up what your team working on. Uh, we've been working on the iFart, sir. Let me see, what does that do? Okay, walk right into that one. Marketing, your storyboards are due today.
Um, yeah, I don't have them. Why is that? I stuffed them up my butt.
Mr. Jobs lets us leave at 3.30 on Wednesdays. Also, sometimes he lets us watch movies too.
Yeah. Well, you're in luck because actually we do need to video comments with the software team about the iPhone 5's cloud capabilities. Does anyone know Mr. Jobs to turn on the video? Of the buttons under the table where you were standing earlier? Oh. Um, I thought we weren't supposed to have gum in here. Good one, babe. Okay, who threw a Mac book?
I realize that most of you probably miss Mr. Jobs, but I am in charge now and I deserve some respect. And the sooner we get our work done here, the sooner we can go out and enjoy this beautiful...
What is so funny? All right, listen up. Marketing, design, finance, we are going to play the silent game. The first one who speaks, loses.
Good. You are. All right, no way. It's fine. Let's all just play Heads Up 7 Up. Yeah. Not it. |
SaturdayNightLive | simple_rappers_saturday_night_live | Hey, let's start off with a song for my new album.
Thank you Yo, how y'all feeling the n*** thought you said that. Yeah, we feeling it too.
Hell. yeah hey, the next one's going out to my boy Jimmy Jazzy from Dc who was down with us from the Stizzart. Hey rock that funky beat gangster style Here we go.
Let me see your hands in the air.
Yeah, yeah, y'all get that song. the Big Bell Wire. All right, I hear that all right now. we're gonna slow things down. This song's for the ladies. It's called get back in the Car. Oh yeah, I like that. Oh, yeah, hey, you know, there's been a lot of talk about Mc Diggity D Dog with us on yo Mtv rap and that's some worked out. yeah, pretty crappy. yeah, he was mouthing off about this and that and that. but I think this next song will show him where we at. let's kick it.
Microphone check, One microphone check. Yeah, they should set that punk up for a minute here.
That yo, yo, yo. Last night some dope lyrics popped in my cranium and I jumped out out of my bed and wrote them down on some paper. Damn. they so good. I like to do it for y'all Well damn, y'all wanna hear a new song. my boy just wrote last night. All right, then kick me a beat.
Come on, come on, give it up. give it up Now everybody say hey, they are being down with Hdw Tsw ours which of course stands for his daddy Went to school with Ruffle Simmons. is that we get to discover new talent? That's right. we met Pee Pee.
Odely. Odely in Long Beach and this girl could kick it hardcore to your what? Give it up for Pee Pee. Odely.
No, he alright. he just likes you. He cool All right.
We're gonna bring it on home now with the Sony got us here. If it goes bump, don't mess with kick it. |
cracked | watch_the_video_that_s_too_controversial_for_the_super_bowl | Hey America, fuck you. Are you ready for some commercials that were so fucking edgy that the Super Bowl banned them? Bloop. You won't see any because there aren't any banned videos. That's just a thing advertisers like to say. Here's a PETA video they claim was banned from the Super Bowl featuring women and underwear rubbing vegetables on themselves. What they're wearing isn't that far off from the uniforms that some NFL cheerleaders actually wear. And let's not forget that a few years ago Janet Jackson hung an errant boob out during the Super Bowl But no, forget all that because this commercial is still way This ad for Rolling Rock was allegedly banned from the Super Bowl for featuring The amount of caught shots you could reasonably expect to see in a standard episode of America's Funniest Home Videos, a show for babies, but A brand will label the video as either so racy or edgy that the Super Bowl just couldn't handle it So they banned it and then that video with its clickable title will show up on a dozen internet lists of similarly Banned videos and then it will make the front page of reddit and blow up all over Facebook and Twitter and the other things because everyone Wants to know what ad was so controversial that the Super Bowl refused to air it The truth is the video was either never banned or the advertisers submitted it specifically because they wanted to get banned But in either case the video was never meant to air during the Super Bowl instead The brand got to be associated with the big game and manufactured controversy to make you curious Which is why you tracked down a commercial on purpose and shared it with your friends And they didn't even have to pay the ridiculous cost of Actually, Lauren, would you come out here a second? Advertisement pricing is similar to real estate pricing in that location is undeniably the most important factor So the Super Bowl an event that is watched by over a hundred and ten million people is prime real estate in the ad world It's like the fucking moon, which is why the networks can get away with charging as of last year $150,000 per second of advertising time Meanwhile, it's free to have this video live on YouTube in this way Advertisers trick you into excitingly watching their commercials that were never gonna air during the Super Bowl in the first place Getting all the benefits without the massive cost That should be it for today you were oh could you do that thing I'm sorry no problem, I'm sorry Thank you, that's thank you, I'm sorry we just need a few frames of her looking attractive and cleavage so we can use that picture in the thumbnail of this video because obviously more people will click on that image than one of this goblin because I Mean, you know why you click on the video already. You know what you did We would just fake it, but YouTube won't let us use a thumbnail of something that's not in the video That's a true fact and advertisers know that too Which is why a cursory Google search of banned Super Bowl commercials looks like this Advertisers lead with words like controversial and banned and they lead with pictures like the top half of a model's breasts to swindle you in Thinking that the Super Bowl refused to air their ad because they accidentally snuck full-blown Pornography into their 30-second hamburger commercial like ooh the Super Bowl didn't want to see what based on this thumbnail could only be Ked Upton fucking on top of a bacon cheeseburger, but you're cool Right you want to see that right and then you click on it because you are cool But guess what the sandwich place swindled you into looking at pictures of their food with a full-blown erection So this Super Bowl don't watch commercials or do a lot of them are fine but just don't watch fake band commercials or Do that too.
Also if you want to it really doesn't matter This it doesn't this isn't Actually that important of an issue. I don't really feel this much anything about it Hey boners, thanks for watching you fucking suck subscribe. I don't even give a shit. I'm gonna go fuck on a Hey, thank you for watching that video Like and subscribe I'm really sorry that I tricked you but you're the internet and you hate ads and I don't understand why you you click on Them all the time and I just wanted you to know that you've been swindled even bamboozled It was a lampoon This is chicanery that you shouldn't accept or tolerate you're better than that like and subscribe |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_55_dylan_alcott | We're down in Melbourne. We've made the trip down. We've got some friends we want to speak to down here and it'll be a little series of different guests that we've tracked down while we're down here today.
We're talking to a dual code Paralympian. Dual codes.
That makes you sound like a... Sounds good, doesn't it?
Or code hopper. Code hopper. Minus the hopping.
Yeah. So tennis, basketball and just a media personality in general, Dylan Alcott, thank you for joining us, mate. Gents, thanks so much. It's nice to finally come on a legitimate radio station after being on triple J and now the hit network. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the big deal. It's all gradually about getting away from the communist, I guess, and then hit was a commercial entity, of course, and then, and now of course, rural outback Queensland radio.
Mate, you're also an author. Was that an autobiography? It was, yeah. I actually wrote it. So I originally had some help writing it and I found that I'm a bit of a weirdo and I've got a bit of a different voice that's hard to mimic. So I just couldn't really, if someone else wrote it, it wasn't going to be my words. People actually wrote the whole thing, uh, 90,000 words in about a month without a full stop.
Yeah.
I just smashed it out and I'm so glad I did because if you read the book, it's called Abel. Um, and if you read it, I think you can tell it's me and also you can tell stories verbatim and people will list them out, but it just always isn't as good to be able to put it in your own words. I think what the hardest part was the audio book in your own voice.
You read that? Yeah. It took ages because you know how, if you know how to say like, you know what happened. So you'll say the three of us walked into a bar, but I'll just say went into a bar cause I know what happened. If you don't read the exact word, you've got to go back to the start of that paragraph. Start again. Oh, it took ages. Fuck that. So yeah, word for word really. Pretty much everything.
You can add like a laugh or something like that. I may mimic my mom's voice actually where I sound a bit transgender, I'm like, doo doo come on. Chris Lily Bob. It actually is good though to do that, make it a real autobiography because nothing irks you more than when you're reading like your favorite sports stars, memoirs, and it just sounds way too articulate for a sports star as well. Um, there was a, there was a part in mine that was written for me and it said, you know, you know me, I like taking the piss out of myself.
I'm not that inspirational serious about it, about being in a wheelchair. And it said when I was in Thailand, even though I was confined to my wheelchair, my heart was free like a bird. I was like, have you ever talked to me before? I wanted to punch myself in the face. Free like a bird. Yeah, my heart and soul was free like a bird. I thought in Thailand too, I mean, that doesn't really strike me as a country with, uh, that that's too considerate, you know, like there's not too many ramps and I think, uh, very minimal. Actually I went to the full moon party and uh, this was before, on the sand and this was before anyone knew, you know who I was and I was getting filmed so much. I think it was the first time I'd seen someone in a wheelchair let out of the pen at home and having a good time.
So yeah, it's not the most successful.
You travel a lot with your sport. What country do you recognize it locked down for all people of all walks and, and, and wheels?
Yeah. Um, I think there's two ways to look at it. The, I'll go to the hardware.
So like the actual physical environments, somewhere like Australia, great Britain, the USA are pretty good at those kinds of things. The USA have a lot of automatic doors everywhere where you push a button, like every restaurant, which is great for someone who can't use their arms as much as me. Um, but in terms of like the software, which is like the way that people think you'd be shocked to know of the 28 leading economic countries in the world, the OECD countries, Australia, 25 of 28 of people with disability living in poverty.
Really? Crazy, yeah. 25 of 28. Yeah. So we're like third last. Really? Because we can't, yeah, we can't get jobs here, but it looks accessible. Yeah. But the actual understanding and acceptance isn't as high as you think. So yeah, it's different. But then you go to like, I've traveled, I've backpacked around the world for seven months by myself. Yeah.
And uh, it was awesome because you know, some joints, I cannot tell you how many stairs there are in Europe. It's like an episode of wheelchair survivor. If an elevator doesn't work, you're fucked. But um, it was so cool to see different parts of the world and how it reacted and even also how people reacted to you as well.
Yeah. Like with your sport, does that kind of channel into like, you know, I guess winning a gold medal would be probably not as daunting as a thousand stairs in front of you in some fucking monastery in Germany. For sure, man. You're exactly right. Getting into the Berghain. Um, exactly right.
And I think that's what's so cool about it is I didn't, I used to go to the Google, how do you travel in a wheelchair? But, and there's nothing, I had no idea I was doing.
And it's just about also when you travel for sport, I'm not, I hate people that say when they're sports, people say how hard it is cause it's a great job and you know, pushing paper in an office would be tough and I'm not saying it wouldn't, but when you travel for sport, it is airport into the car, into hotel, into room service, into tennis court, into room service, into tennis court, into room service, then you might have half a day off and come home. So you don't actually see the world as much as you think. So to travel for seven months, it was awesome.
I had some gnarly stories. I got mugged by three dudes in, um, in Chicago. Um, yeah, there was these three dudes and I was actually at a flume gig in Chicago in 2013 and I went and took a piss on a dumpster because it wasn't accessible.
And I went out the back and these three dudes came up to me and said, hey man, do you have any money? I said, yeah, I've got a bit of money. And I gave them like five bucks and they said, actually we need your whole wallet. And I was like, oh, so I gave them the cash and they go, no, no, no, we need the cards as well. I said, I actually, um, look guys, I haven't got very long to live. And if I go to hospital, I need my cards to be able to pay for it.
And then they sat there for two minutes, had a meeting about where they should take it. And then they took my cards, but I'm all about, I'm all about equality. And I used to say to my mum, there's no way I'll get mugged mum, I'm in a wheelchair. Who would do that? Well, equality, everyone deserves the right to get rolled behind a nightclub. And then like the world works out about two months later, I was on the way to New York and I was in a bathroom in Dallas and there was a what, like a plastic, a Ziploc bag full of, I was in the bathroom and I opened up the toilet lid and there's a Ziploc bag of money in the toilet.
Really? Yeah. It was just sitting there. Okay.
So that must've been a drug job. So you kind of benefited from the drug trade as well.
Correct. Exactly right. Yeah. So I obviously accidentally put that in my bag. Yeah. Come on, come on. Yeah. It's crazy, isn't it?
These things must've been grim for those blokes too, right? It's like, this guy's dying. They dropped it in the disabled bathroom and they're just sitting there like, yeah. It's like, they had to have a meeting, like, this guy's just told us he's dying. Two of them were like, let him go, this one guy was like, nah, we need him. We look at him and I'm like, boys, what's going on here?
And they took it. Fuckers. Oh, well, the guilt trip didn't work out. Yeah.
Tell us a little bit about the sport. We had an interview with Phil Kearns the other day, who's on the podcast, he's talking about funding for, uh, Olympic sports and just the sports in general, because it's not, not just the gold medals that everyone is working towards. There's a lot of different kinds of worlds that people work in, a lot of sports that aren't in the Olympics.
How I, how is that, is it, is that well-funded where you're at? Oh man, I mean, I'll, I'll give you the rundown.
So like 2000 and 2004 Paralympics, you almost had to get pay, uh, pay to go and get where Paralympian, you know, Ian Thorpe was making millions of dollars at that point. So it's tough. We don't get paid, not even near as much as our able-bodied counterparts. Um, I'm not crying poor, I'm one of the lucky ones who's made in the mainstream and face of a bank and you know, I'm fine.
But you know, if I won this round open this year and I got $22,000, Novak Djokovic won, he got $4.8 million. If you lose the first round of this round open as an able-bodied player, you get 60 grand.
Now back in the day, no one cared about us, fair enough, but now 8,000 people bought tickets to watch me. How many people are watching?
Oh mate, on court 17, no one, and they get 60 G's. But in saying that, five, 10 years ago, nothing.
So I'm not saying it's bad. It's getting better. It's getting better all around the world.
Um, and the Paralympics is fully funded, but it's all through donations. So the public donated. There needs to be more people like myself and Kurt Fearnley who have made it, who deserve to, you know, as a result, get remunerated because when I was training for London Paralympics, I moved overseas, I was on a disability pension, broke up with my partner, had no money, like you got nothing.
And uh, it's getting a lot better now, which is awesome. And even burn the candle.
And even just to buy equipment, like, you know, one of my friends, Kelly Cartwright, she's a Paralympic amputee runner, her legs, 80 G's, 80 grand man, my current tennis chair is a carbon fiber mold in my body. The same way Daniel Ricardo sits in, he gets a carbon fiber mold of his F1 car, 40 grand would cost. I got to obviously got to donate it, 40 G's, that's ridiculous.
Everything's titanium as well. Yeah, titanium and carbon.
And if you don't have the good gear, you get your arse kicked these days. Because all around the world, and that's the good thing about it, Paralympic sport now is first and foremost fully professional, but also fully elite. It's not a come and try event where we all sing Kumbaya, because we're happy to be there. It's like, now I'm going to kick your arse. So now sponsors and ticket holders and the media are starting to realize that and getting behind it. And you know, even doing things like this, you know, if this podcast, you know, if you guys were doing this in 2010, I mean, you'd be like, fuck, who are they?
Murderball was pretty big. Yeah, it sure actually was. Have you ever played murderball?
No, man. I'm too much of a pussy. It looks like a lot, a lot of blood. Yeah.
There's a guy called Riley Bat who is like the best wheelchair rugby player in Australia, in the world, he's from Australia. He's got no legs and two fingers on each hand.
That's it.
And he's so much faster than that. Like he's a freak.
The guys that play that are like quadriplegics, the guys only have four limbs. So most of them are ex motocrosses who have like broken their necks. Those guys, they go so fast in their chair and then they crash, but they can't put their arms out to stop because they haven't got the strength. Just land on their face. Maniacs.
And I like my face too much. Well, it's on a lot of billboards.
That's what's going to be paying the bills, you know. Exactly right. The moneymakers. Exactly right.
So you danced between radio gigs and campaigns. That kind of all, you glowed up with your campaigns and all your shoes and all that kind of happened at once. Have you just been in and out of meetings for the last 18 months?
Pretty much, man. I've got a good team around me who look after me now. So yeah, people are like, what do you do with your life? And I've kind of got like seven jobs, I say. So I play tennis, obviously.
I work on radio. I was on Triple J, but I'm now on Hit, which is also known as Today FM or Fox FM. I'm a motivational speaker.
I've got my own consulting company with my brother and my dad and a team called Get Skilled Access. We work with the governments and corporate Australia on helping them better understand what people with disability need. Customer service, but also products, but also get them ready to employ people with disabilities. And I've also run the foundation, the Dylan O'Connor Foundation and Ability Fest. So yeah, a lot of meetings, but man, the response from the Australian public, like I used to say when I was a kid, I wanted to make it in the mainstream to try and help my community and things.
And I never thought it happened to the point where like I walk down the street, if I walk down the street in Melbourne, I'd probably take about 40 or 50 photos a day. It's just like, I can't believe it.
The best part about it, people used to run up to me and go, oh my God, why are you in a wheelchair? Or what's that? Or stare at you. Now they come and go, oh, that's Dylan.
I couldn't give a flying fuck that I'm in a wheelchair. And how cool is that? And I think more people deserve that as well with people with disability just trying to educate in that. But like getting your own shoe, not bad for a brother who can't walk. I was pretty happy about that. Has anyone else been in this space, you know, in like doing like where you're at in Australian kind of modern history?
I don't, can't really recall anyone.
Yeah.
Like how did you learn how to be a broadcaster at the start?
I mean, you know, it's, it's, it's a bit different to playing tennis. It is.
I'm a, I, you know, people cop out answers when they say they can just do something. I never had any training, no lessons. It's just something that I could do. So I did a TED talk at the Sydney Opera House in front of 6,000 people.
I thought, and then I hadn't done much broadcasting then, but I'd always got interviewed as an athlete and I knew what I hated getting asked, which is if you answer a question about basketball and they go, so like, what about this? And you're like, did you not hear what I just said? Like, you know, about how annoying is that? And you've got boys would agree. And you know, I learned that. So when I started broadcasting, I made sure I don't do things like that. And I could have 10 questions, but you ask one of them and you just whatever, whatever they want to talk about. And you have to actively listen to it.
Correct. Otherwise, you're just being a prick. You are.
And, but the broadcasting has been the big thing that's really projected me because, you know, if I was just playing tennis, people are like, oh, that's kind of cute. And then you forget, but because you've got a mainstream in the media and people can bind your story a bit. And you know, the triple J audience was so good to me and got around me and now the hit one and being on TV. And I made it, it's crazy and I love it. And the best part is when you do something good, like I interviewed Prince Harry at Invictus Games and his press secretary from Buckingham Palace was like, man, that's the best interviews done in like five years because I had, didn't go in there grilling him. I just tried to be myself. And when you hear things like that, you're like, cool, you know.
So when can we expect a baby with you and Megan?
And you know what, they say don't ask that and whatever people asked him, I'm like, you're an idiot. They should have said, don't ask that. And then what does he do? Not talk to you.
As I would. You'd be Carl Sandlin's intern who goes down there and tell Prince Harry that Carl shat himself on air that morning.
Now, 17 was you were with the Rollers. What was that like? You kind of came of age representing Australia in the big boy league. Yeah, it was. I mean, I was still in high school. I remember the day we won gold. I should have been in a year 12 accounting exam. So suck on that to all my mates who were in class, but um, uh, winning gold medal at 17, I probably didn't understand what it meant, but to do it with a bunch of dudes whose lives had been absolutely turned upside down because I think I was the only one born with my disability.
The rest were all from accidents.
Yeah. Right. I was wondering that. Is that kind of the... Yeah. Cancer, car accidents. Yeah. The amount of people that go, I want a wheelchair. Oh, first I want a motorbike. Yeah. I've heard that many times. Yeah.
And you know, imagine having your life ripped upside down and then to be sitting next to each other in tears, watching that flag go up, just not so proud of ourselves was pretty cool, man. And people say, what was better winning gold at 17 with basketball or winning gold in Rio for tennis? They're both great. And I think the one thing about when you play it, do it a team sport, you share it with your teammates, which is unbelievable.
You know, actually we got, we had a little, we had a guy called Lance who was like our Chinese translator. And we said, we want to go to the great world of China and there's an accessible part. And he stuffed it. And we went to the only accessible part.
There was six of us in wheelchairs and we just paid four Chinese dudes, 50 us dollars each to carry us up a thousand stairs to the only inhabited, the only bit of a thousand stairs, the only bit of the wall that you couldn't like, no one was there. And the six guys in wheelchairs, they just did trips and we got on top and just had beers with our gold medals. And there was no one there, it was unbelievable.
If you want anything done in China, you can do anything you want. You just got to pay for it. They were like, no way, 50 us dollars and they were like, I'll carry it 10 times.
They were so solid. And then, um, and then so you share it with the boys and the team, but when you win an individual gold medal, like for tennis, you share it with your family. That's the difference with them. So they were both pretty amazing.
Yeah. What do you prefer? Less entourage, less? Yeah. The, some of the tennis players, they would have 15 people with them and it's like, what the fuck are you doing? Like I have my coach and like even the point where I've kind of said to my dad and that who gets real nervous, I don't even want to see if I play and he understands that now because I just want to get with, you know, I'll have like my brother there, my manager, my coach, my dad, no, no, no, no, not in an early way. Do you win or you sleep outside? No, you just get so, and you know, you can hear your family's voice. Yeah. You guys wouldn't recognize each other's voice because you hang out a lot. I could be, I'll get a double fault and I can hear my dad go, come on, dude. Like that. I go, man, calm down.
When I'm training at Eastern Open, like I did today, World Labor Arena, when no one's there, it should be the same when I'm trying to win a grand slam. So you just try and keep it exactly the same. And it's just me and my coach and my doubles partner hanging out, talking shit.
And when all of a sudden there's all these people around you going, hey, feel it, man. Hey, feel it, mate. You're pumped. You ready? You're like, calm down. Why are we all getting so excited?
So, um, exactly right. It's like, I am calm, but you're not calm. You know what I mean? Yeah. Stop fucking wigging me out. It wigs you out. You know? Yeah. All when people go to you, you'll be like, what's wrong? Yeah, yeah. I'm chilling. Yeah. Everything's fine. Yeah.
What, what, what is the, what's the kind of go with, um, with all this stuff? Your sport, your media, and then you're now in event planning, which is just the toughest fucking world to be in. Uh, did that come from you just being a festival head? A bit, man. Just like a bender.
Um, you know, Ability Fest is a charity music festival that we started a few years ago and all the proceeds go to the Dylan Alcott Foundation to help kids with disabilities. And the reason we started is I used to get bullied about my disability and never invited anywhere. And I went to Falls Festival when I was 17 and it was the first time I felt fully included when no one cared about my disability.
And it's really hard work on a festival, but I just suck it up. But for a lot of people with disabilities, especially people with worse disabilities than mine, you can't, you physically can't go. And that's unfair.
So I wanted, I also hate black tie events. I don't want to do a charity black tie.
I thought, why don't I do something not only that they can enjoy, but also raise money. And through my connections in the music industry and that we, um, started Ability Fest and we raised, you know, over $400,000 over the two festivals that we've had so far.
And, you know, there was a story about the first one. I had a kid who came and then he, I made him as a doctor and he got put on, um, in intensive care and a kid came in on life support. He was about to die. He had muscular dystrophy and he got a bit better so he could talk.
And my mate noticed he had an ability bracelet on, which meant he went to the festival. My mate, James goes, did you go to the festival and the kids I heard? James said, I went as well and mates with Dylan and the kids said, can you tell him that that was the best day of my life because he'd never been anywhere with his mates and had fun.
And we just do it as a case study that hopefully splendor Coachella, you know, just look at that and go, one, you make more money because people want to go to, it's not hard. You just ask them what they need, you know, and, um, it's rad. And like we had this, we have this thing called the sensory quiet area for people with like autism and Asperger's. Watching them with noise canceling headphones on so they can actually watch the show with it. It's so cool. And their families all next to them in tears because then they can take them with them.
Yeah, for sure. You know what I mean? So yeah, it was good. You have to do a bit of research and different kind of like, like different kind of requirements. Yeah. So our company gets good access. Um, that's what we do. And, and the big thing is I got so sick of able bodied people talking on my behalf about what I need because they've got no idea. Yeah. So, and in government, that's all I do. It's like, oh, we're doing this thing. And I'm like, honestly, who told you to do that? Like, that is such a waste of money. Which bland able bodied man is running point on this project. So, well, it's almost like how in, in the budget that came out, uh, just a couple of days ago that they were harping on about, you know, this budget is back in surplus, but they also had to take almost $2 billion out of the NDIS. Exactly right. Yeah. But you know what? We got our company got a bit of money in the budget.
So shout out, shout out. Shout out Nightwatchman. Yeah. Cheers, Josh. Cheers, Joshie.
When you know it's going to a good place, you know, you gotta be happy about it. And with the, I don't know what it's like to be blind, so I'm not going to tell you, I tell you who should tell you, someone who's blind. So what we did is went around to the communities that we knew and said, what would you do at a festival? What do you need?
And they're like, this happens, this happens, this happens, and we just fixed all the problems. And it works because of that, you know, and it's refreshing that corporate Australia and the government now genuinely, I think they give a shit. They haven't got money for it yet, but they care now and they want to learn.
For example, if you were homophobic 15 years ago, you get a slap on the wrist, but you can live. If you're homophobic now, you're done.
Yeah. If you discriminate against disability, you're on the cusp of being done now as it should be. And that's because there are people in the mainstream now where if something happens, we can go, oi, not good, you know? Yeah, yeah. There's a voice, there's a voice even. Yeah. You can just be like, you know, this isn't the AFL football show, you know? Exactly right. Couldn't you host that actually? You can't say that.
Have you seen the new host of the footy show? Yeah, I've heard he's, um, you play much football?
Oh, you just let me kick a tarp. Fucking beautiful. No, I don't play much, but I'm a big footy fan. Yeah, right. Who's your team? I go for Carlton and I actually, I almost got a kick for Carlton last year, which was nice.
No, because of that shit. And then, but, um, they are starting to get a bit better, which is good. But same thing, you know, the only thing we used to get to talk about when you have a disability is having a disability.
Why can't you talk about footy? Why can't you be funny? Why can't you go on triple J or Fox Affair or whatever and do whatever you want?
And I know the sports clubs know, you know, who their most loyal fans are, you know what I mean? Cause that shit's been accessible for decades, decades, you know, they've had wheelchairs.
Cause they make good business cause we all go, as they should. And that's what, you know, supermarkets should design their stores better cause you make more money. Not because you feel good, you know?
Who's coming to the party with Ability Fest? You got any shout outs? Any, any sponsors there?
Man, we got A and Z. Get on top of your money with more ways to pay. Thank you. Yeah. Um, they, uh, How did, how did they go at the Royal Commission? I think out of the four of them, they got, went off, they went the best, which is nice. All right.
Uh, and also I always thought I was going to get ripped for, you know, they're sober to me and they care about, generally care about my career, but also people with disability. And I mean that, I'm not just saying that cause I just, I know, supposed to, but, um, I was expecting more hate from people on Twitter. You're a dog for being sponsored by a bank, but no one cares. But I mean, you played it very well. I was like, Dylan is now, uh, taking a little break from triple J. You're on a billboard.
And everyone knows that the banks have been fucked for years, you know? It was like, surprise. It's their job to do that. No, they, and they've been so supportive in things. And, um, yeah, so A and Z have been a huge, like, you know, over a hundred thousand dollar donation.
TAC as well. Uh, QT Hotels, again, it's the whole hotel. Really? For everyone like that. That's a nice little one in Melbourne there with the bar steak there. What I did was I put it, um, Polaroid of me semi naked on the bed, covered in rose petals for every artist and signed it just for their, for their bank banks. Oh, so they're all staying there. Yeah. Everyone is, everyone stayed there. So that'd be a vibe. Yeah. Um, good gear. So, um, yeah, so many people and, and all like, you know, not one artist in two years has taken a dollar, not one. And I've, you know, fly facilities, I'd charge a bomb, the pre-sets, zero dollars. Just showing up. That's a huge donation. Yeah.
And I can't thank them all enough. Every artist has done it because it's helping a lot of kids with disabilities, not only having a great day, but also, you know, we've given university scholarships, we've given wheelchairs, we've given all kinds of stuff and it's really helping a lot of people who are sick.
Well, we'll just, uh, shout out to Diageo if you want to come to the party with some, you know, high end liquors. Yeah. Um, Young Henry's gave us froffies. Oh, Young Henry's already in. Shout out to the boys. Yeah, right. Yeah.
Oh, we'll see if we can get some Batuda Bitter in for year three. Can we, where, yeah, where was my drop? Yeah, it's, um, Batuda Bitter hasn't really made its way into the cold country yet.
Yeah. Uh, actually- I've sucked out a few cans myself and I like it. Misery Guts, Misery Guts in, uh, St Kilda. Shout out to Misery Guts. Yeah. They're, um, it's a- I used to get a Misery, I used to live in St Kilda, I used to get a Misery Guts. Yeah. It's a beer that's, you know, that is served best warm. Yeah, beautiful. So, you know, it's, it's a bit hard- You should just get them on top in London then. To serve. Yeah. Well, it's actually quite big in London actually. Yeah. But it's, um, yeah, it hasn't really taken off down here in, in Melbourne for some reason.
If you need a brand, if you need a brand ambassador. Yeah, I know you're ready made. I know a guy. You, you've got a couple of gigs. You got ANZ and there's an insurance one we saw, or at least a photo of you. That's just a photo of me crowd surfing that they, uh, put up, the NRMA it was. Uh, shout out to Paul and Hanson. Um, uh, taking that NRMA cash. Um, and then, um, I just got a global Nike ambassador deal, which is pretty cool. That's huge.
Not many disabled athletes have one. Do you know what the first one was? Oscar Pistorius.
Really? So I don't think, hopefully I won't go that way. You're, uh, you're, uh, bringing a great credibility back to the, to the brand. And I get, uh, who else I got? I got Toyota, I got a lot of people that look after me. So, um, it's, uh, Oh, that is, that is something that actually, that's something we don't need to talk too much about it, but that is, that is the next name after Dylan Alcott, isn't it? You've, you've, you've, your job is to bypass Pistorius. That'd be nice.
Yeah, I'll probably won't do it the same way he did it. No, I might try and keep my current girlfriend living.
Cause I do love her. Um, cause she's a lovely lady. Shout out to Chantel.
Um, and it's a bit harder to get a handgun to here in Melbourne, you know, like, like, like after you. Also my bathroom door hasn't got a lock on it.
So, yeah, no, that household night Blade Runner, but I mean, obviously what happened happened. What's your, um, what's, have you been given a name yet? Are we, are we running, is there something like a, you know, bam, bam in the UFC? Mate, I like that. I'm not, I haven't got like that. We should automate one now. Yeah.
I need some sort of cool. Something cool. I always watch UFC and it's like, Dylan, the assassin or something.
Shit. Country. Bone crusher. Yeah. I don't know.
Well, well, well, well, that's a good call out for the listeners. The bright and lightning. The brightening light.
Oh, that's a good one for the listeners. Send in any ideas for Dylan's, uh, name, his nickname, because you know, we've got, we've got a, how many wheelchair puns do you reckon we'll get? Yeah, probably a few.
Hot Wheels. Have you ever got Hot Wheels before?
Dylan having a wheely good time or cut? We're just talking before about, um, actually talking with Briggs. Cause there was a conspiracy that you're in the chairman's lounge and that's what he said. Yeah. He said, yeah, he said, is that a pun? Dylan's in the chairman's lounge. Is that your honor? Well I actually just went there and said, I, my name's on the door. Chairman. So let me in. This is my lounge.
Yeah, no, um, something military, preferably like, uh, the Scud, Phillipusus. Do you want to say something funny about military being in a wheelchair?
Whenever you go to America, play tennis all the time.
Yeah. People come, I was in New Orleans, this lady come up, I was 18, I was playing 10, 19, playing basketball, she comes up and goes, sir, I just want to say thank you so much for your, your service to our country. And I was like, what are you talking about? And I clicked and I was like, oh no, no. She said, can I buy a beer? And I corrected her. Two hours later, a guy came up. Sir, thank you for your service to the country. Can I buy a beer? And I said, a hundred percent. Stolen valor. I was having 20 times. It's like, Jesus. You should have said yes to make it easier. I thought he was American.
If you're fit looking and in a wheelchair, you must be a war vet. Straight to it.
What party of America are you from, boy? That's, that's one hell of an accent y'all got on. And I'm like, g'day mate, I'm the king of Banks, Holland. I'll have a bit of a thanks, here he is. I'm from South Dakota.
Yeah. So you're excited for Tokyo? Yeah.
So Tokyo 2020, uh, I'm not saying it's definitely gonna be my last, but I'll be 29 then getting old. I could win 20 grand slams and I'll look back on my life and regret it if I didn't do what I was made to do, which is I think continue to help as many people as I can.
And I think one of the best ways to do that would be in the mainstream media worldwide. And if I can, I mean, it's already on the way cracking it here and doing things like, you know, this helps a lot. And, um, but you can go, you know, why can't James Corden be in a wheelchair or Jimmy Fallon or Brad Pitt or acting? And I want to do heaps of stuff. I really do. Bit of acting, bit of all kinds of things. And I, um.
Adam Hills doesn't count cause he hides it under a pair of trousers. I didn't know for 10 years.
I must say though, he's a good man, Hillsie, and he does look after the Tokyo community. He's a ripper bloke. But, um, he's missing a foot, cop out.
Not even that bad. Tried to.
So, um, yeah, I'll, I'll go to Tokyo and bit of fast trivia for facts today. Do you know the medals in, in the Tokyo Olympics and Paralympics are made out of melted down Nokia phones because they have a surplus of Nokia phones I can't get rid of. So they're melting them down and then plating them bronze, silver and gold.
That is so goddamn Japanese. And you can play snake on them. Wow. You, um, well, I can imagine that'll be the most accessible Olympics in a while. Japan knows how to get.
There better be fucking robots pushing me around. I'll be just chilling. Um, the, and you know how organized they are, they're already ready. Most people like Brazil, Beijing, they're like building like when you get there, but I suppose they're finished.
What's that fucking wild winter Olympics? Sochi.
Oh yeah. The Hunger Games. Yeah.
Um, Rio wasn't far off it was, it was pretty gnarly, but you know, did the best that they could do. Did you get mugged in Rio? No, we were pretty, mate, everywhere we went, we had a card with like a machine gun. It was pretty gnarly. It was cool actually. My family and friends had a great time. It was.
In the favelas? In the favelas, they got here wrong.
They actually missed all the tennis. They were stuck there. Whether they were just up all night, you know, being like, you know. There's tennis on.
Barbecues and shit, yeah. Why am I here? Yeah, I know. Well, that sounds good, Dylan. Thanks for, thanks for having a chat to us today. Um, all the best with ability fest number three. Yeah. Bigger and better.
Who, let's do a call out now. DMA's, you're locked in. Yeah, that, it was, um, Tommy's wedding that day on three they pulled out. Okay. Um, I'll have DMA's, thank you. I'll have Rufus.
Uh, Briggs, you got to go there. Like who else? Just name them and shame them. We can get Tame Impala. Get your ass down at Ability Fest.
Elephant, I reckon I'd come in my pants just to prove that it works. Can I just say, boys, big fan over here. Love, love your work. So it has been a privilege to come on. Thanks, mate. Keep the girl coming. Well, we love Melbourne. Uh, and I cannot wait till the day I get an article. Just letting you know. All right, all right. If, if the, if you know anyone at the newspaper. Local sellout does ANZ campaigns. Just rip, rip, rip, rip me in half. All right. Can't wait. I got a shout out once. I was pretty happy about it.
Yeah, no, no. You, um, you've surpassed Boney in terms of triple J talent. Like, you know, Boney's got to get a billboard yet. So, um, so yeah, we may be, maybe you're more deserving of a, of a tutor article than Boney.
She's had a couple. Yeah. And now she's on the today. Yeah.
Yama Brooke. Thanks, Dope. See ya.
And once again, we're out of time. We're at the top of the hour.
Thank you Dylan for joining us. Up next is Tim with the headlines and followed by hello sport until next week. My name is Errol Parker.
Stay out of the pokies. Don't talk to the police. They're only out to ruin your life. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Australia_Mourns_Man_Who_Hates_Us_The_Twerk_Division_A_Wet_Ass_ANZAC_Day_More | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Board and wherever you're listening to us be it via wireless, in your boat, in your kitchen, at work, out here in the channel country, within the bandwidth of course, or you're listening online through www.batutahadvocate.com or you're listening through the Spotify streaming app. Thank you for tuning in wherever you are. My name is Clancy Overwell. Joining me today is Edward Large from the Batutah Advocate.
Errol Parker, how are you Errol? I'm not bad Clancy mate, how are you going? Yeah I'm good mate, I'm good, I'm going alright.
You know, I'm eating healthier. Recently got into colonics, ever heard of that? Yeah well a lot of people were in the comments last week when we posted that picture of us and and Rick Morton they were saying that that you know some people thought because of your rapid weight loss that you might have you know anything from hepatitis C to leukemia to you know. No, I've just been doing the colonics programs, flushing out my bowels with saltwater I believe. What about you Wendell, the newsreader, the Donatina newsreader, what's going on with you? Not much mate, it's been a big week in news up here in the Channel Country that colonic stuff certainly sounds quite interesting I'm not sure if I'll give it a go but keep us posted on how it works out long term you know what I mean? Well look, you know I'm big on sustainability so of course I recycle my grey water. That's very noble of you Clancy, very noble of you. Now let's get into the news wrap shall we?
We will get the sad sad story of the week out of the way and Australia is mourning a man who hated us. Yes the world's most high-profile handbag holder fell just short of a ton. Prince Philip passed away last Friday, our time, just missing out on a letter from the Queen by a bee's dick. And as a result of his passing, Australian's young and old, obviously mostly old, have this week come together to remember the life and times of a man who wanted nothing to do with us. Even though he made more trips to our country than his wife ever did, the Duke of Edinburgh hated every minute that his unblemished feet spent on our soil. However, regardless of that, our little backwater colony have mourned the great man nonetheless. Now Jane Simmons left a comment on that story, not liking our obituary particularly much. She said now is not the time for this. He gave most of his life in serving alongside the Queen. Never liked him but you cannot deny his service.
Oh fuck off Jane, go and read the Guardian. Or the Australian maybe. Now we will move along to some other national news and an interesting story from this week. Report what kind of fucking operation are you running here Mr. Defence Minister? Of course this story came after the emergency video showing a twerking troupe of dancers celebrating the launch of the HMAS supply in Sydney over the weekend. Just two weeks into his tenure as Defence Minister, Peter Dutton is now facing questions as to how the fuck this weird awkward performance was signed off by numerous people in positions of authority. Yeah one of the strangest stories of recent times which has tickled plenty of people right across the country. It's probably fair to say though that this latest fuck-up will at least cost less than the six million dollars that Peter Dutton spent trying to detain a Tamil family and forcing them to leave their loving regional Queensland hometown.
Following up from that success Peter Dutton has since booked Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion in for an Anzac Day performance at Parliament House. That's right Anzac Day this year looks to be brought in with a serious bang. Following the virality achieved by the aforementioned dance troupe Dutton has now hired American megastars Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion to come and perform their massive hit WAP. It is believed the pair will be flown over on an Air Force charter and will perform at our dawn service in Parliament House on Anzac Day with plenty of twerking of course.
And at the going down of the Sun and in the morning we shall throw our dump truck asses back for them. Hopefully we have a bucket and a mop in that two up ring.
Now our next headline is a direct quote from the Prime Minister and it reads like this. If you're worried about this jab we don't have you can always use our app that doesn't work. Yes the Prime Minister Scotty from marketing has this week tried constructing a new narrative to excuse himself for not vaccinating the entire country by October which is what he's previously promised to do many many times. He's done that by undermining public trust in the AstraZeneca vaccine. The bloke in chief has decided to harp on about the risk of blood clots caused by the vaccine and suggested that if people don't trust this dose they should just download the COVID tracing app that never fucking work to begin with.
Well you know I think he does have a bit of a point I mean like it that it was pretty rushed and if you'd actually watch the videos that I'd seen. We'll move on to sports news now and just do your own research. We will move on to sports news quickly now to round out the week.
A Broncos fan is on top of the world after his team loses to a bunch of teenagers by only eight points. Like thousands of the last remaining Broncos fans after that stirring loss to Penrith on Thursday night. Stefan Russo Brisbane man reckons the Bronx nation is back baby. Yeah after averaging eight points per match for the last two seasons finishing with a wooden spoon in 2020 and consistently getting 40 or 50 put on them the Brisbane Broncos are now at the point where the fans think that not losing by much is almost as good as winning. Yeah tough times for Broncos fans but I think the rest of the nation is still quite enjoying what's going on at Red Hill there. I think the Broncos board's hoping that Kevvie Walters is next in line for one of those AstraZeneca's. Anyway that will do us for this week thanks very much for your company have a great weekend and we'll talk to you soon. |
TheOnion | Little_Boy_Heroically_Shoots_Mutilates_Burglar | Your next guest is a true American hero and he's only eight years old. Last week, Lucas Armitage bravely defended his family and his home when he stopped an intruder all by himself just by using his daddy's gun. That's right.
And Lucas and his dad Jack are with us in the studio this morning. Good morning to both of you. Good morning, Jim. Good morning, Tracy. Hi, guys.
Now, Lucas, can you tell us what happened? I heard the noise and I got up from bed and went into the kitchen door.
Dad keeps the gun. So you found it all by yourself, right? I take it out a lot. Sometimes I just look at it.
Right now it was a burglar, wasn't it, Lucas? He was trying to steal things. He looked hungry.
When he saw I had the gun, he put his hands up and said, please don't shoot. But you didn't listen to him, did you? I knew it would be easy to shoot him. Just aim and pull the trigger.
That's right. And that's exactly what you did, right?
You shot him in the leg, didn't you? You put one right through the kneecap, right? Yeah, it was like bang really loud and he fell down screaming and there was lots of blood coming out. Lucas, you really are a hero. He started crawling away and crying, so I shot him in the back. Yeah, you must be so proud of your son, Jack. Of course, you wouldn't be. And then I stood over him and shot him like bang, bang, bang. Well, that's one crook that's not going to be breaking into anybody else's home, is he? Yeah. He wouldn't stop talking, so then I shot his jaw off. Well, how'd you manage to do that, Lucas?
Either you shoot at the temples and pull down or you shoot at the side of the skull wall. It's the weakest part of the skull, he's right. That's very sophisticated knowledge there.
Yeah, but then he started screaming. Yeah, right. And then I shot off each one of his fingers and then he stopped screaming. So, Jack, it was the screaming you heard that woke you up so you could call the police? No, no, actually it was Lucas laughing that woke me up. I had never heard a kid laugh so hard.
There was blood all over me. Yeah, he smeared it all over himself. Really? I liked the way the blood made me feel.
Now, your school gave you a special award for courage, right? We have a photograph of that award ceremony. Let's take a look.
Oh, Lucas, you didn't even change your shirt before you got your award. Why would he change his shirt? That's his honor shirt.
I want the blood. Yeah. It was a lot of fun getting that award at school, right? You want the blood.
Well, he's gotten a little shy now. Well, Jack Armitage, thanks so much for being here. Lucas, thank you for your heroic work. Absolutely. Now, you stick with us because after the break, some warning signs that your pet may be a CIA mole. |
SaturdayNightLive | natasha_lyonne_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Natasha Lyon. uh, my name is Natasha Lyon and I also wish I was Harry Styles. Gosh, will you look at this?
I'm hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. For a real New Yorker like me, that's big. Uh, I have a show called Russian Doll. the second season of Russian Doll just premiered on Netflix, and two things you definitely want to be associated with right now are Russia and Netflix. You know, it's my first time hosting, and I'm genuinely humbled to be here. the truth is, I feel a cosmic connection at Snl. the people here are my real life chosen family. I haven't come in here since I was a teenager. I co-created Russian Doll with Amy Poehler and I have great friends.
Okay, good. I thought maybe we could try our Natasha Lyon impressions for you. Yeah, we do really good impressions of you, just not when you're around. Yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. congratulations, If so facto. that's good. yeah, yeah, how are you?
All right. it's a dynamite sweater. cockroach. okay, bye. bye. All right. we dated for seven years. yeah, we're the only couple who had a sex tape nobody wanted to buy.
I mean, God, I love this place. You see, Snl combines everything I like. New York City. show business. people who have done the same thing since the 70s. and different unions fighting. Yeah, I love it. I mean, I'm a New York City kid and a showbiz baby. weird story, but while I have you, listen to this. So, I'm born in New York, doesn't matter what year, early 80s, probably. everything is brown. most automobiles are long and banana-colored. my parents get this big idea that I have a future in show business. so I start auditioning. a lot of casting directors, it turns out, are looking for a little orphan anti-type who talks like Didi Ramon. here's a clip of me from one of my earliest roles.
Hi, Sarah. Hi, Tv. we've got a new member. her name is Opal. Hi. Hi. yeah. best work to date.
So anyway, I do some Tv. my mom and I move to the Upper East Side. suddenly, I'm in the movies. Oh, I was in all those 90s movies.
American Pie. American Pie 2. American Pie in the Multiverse of Madness, etc. Oh, and called Favorite, but I'm a cheerleader. you heard that? going great, and then knock, knock, who's there? multiple arrests and drug addiction.
Oh, yeah, I went to Hell and Bank. life was rough. but just like when Fabio was on that rollercoaster and the bird flew into his face. hey, do we have a photo of that? Ah, yeah. just like when Fabio, when that happened. So I brushed myself off, and I got back on the ride. and. right, sure, I'm conflating events, glossing over entire decades, but I'm here. and I'll tell you what I found. there's always hope and despair. and there's always a reason to get back in the ring and fight another day. |
dropout | this_year_s_hottest_college_looks_ch_shorts | School is back in session and we're ready to show you the honest looks in collegiate fashion. Get ready to see these styles everywhere on campus this fall.
Oh, who's this coming down the runway? Why a sophomore Tyler McClintock with Lupe just screamed, I go to this school! Yes, and it's not gonna stop screaming any time soon. He's got university logos on absolutely everything as if he might forget what school he attends. Or as if other people might forget, but how can they when he mentions his school in every sentence? We get it Tyler!
And here's Melissa Gonzalez. Melissa is a senior whose look reflects the deep apathy that has fasted inside her for years. She is done with all of this and she does not care anymore.
I love the colors on her top. Yes, those are all food stains. In fact, it's more stain than shirt now.
She rolled out of bed on Tuesday and she hasn't showered since. And honestly, who cares? Now Melissa, that's why she's wearing broken flip flops.
Trisha! And here come the freshmen. Get a load of them.
None of these little turrets have ever purchased their own clothes and you can't tell. Casual, formal, anywhere in between, they always look like they're cosplaying as their dads. God, they look awful.
The clothes may not fit any body type on earth, but they were a great deal at Costco. Kirkland's got nice signature.
Oh, and who is that moving so quickly down the catwalk? I don't know, but she had a very heavy backpack and somewhere to be. I love the mystery inherent in that look. Where is she going? Why is she always late? Does she need everything in that backpack?
We may never know. Oh, and who's this? That's not Martin Kowalski, is it? It sure is. He's just made an active decision to change his look this year and you can't tell. You can't tell for sure.
Wow, with an ensemble like that, you'd think Martin must have a personality, but you would be surprised. Oh, our sweet little Martin had a disappointing year last year and he is working to reinvent himself. But nothing is working as hard as that turtleneck scarf combo. I mean, is his neck super cold or something? No, he just wants people to think he's an artist and he's only ever seen them on TV.
How exhausting. Ooh!
Molly Greenwald is looking very nice and very basic. Very basic.
And a classic ever fashionable pea coat. Molly is also freezing her ass off because this coat has no insulation.
Yes, at some point you learn that you have to choose between comfort and fashion. How stupid. That's it for this season's back to school fashion show. Tune in in 10 years to hate the way all of this looks. I'm glad those bad fashion days are behind me. Oh, certainly. This will never go out of style. |
cracked | 5_famous_movies_that_don_t_mean_what_you_think | Famous stories that aren't about what you think. The sun comes up in that extra sugar you need in your cup.
You're a cook. You're a chef. This is what you've been cooking for years and it works. And either you cook the menu that our customers have come to... You want me to cook the same food?
The same exact... The same food that he ripped apart? The same guy who's coming tonight? This restaurant isn't filled with critics. It's filled with people who have been eating your food for the last 10 years. Okay, four million or she's coming up.
I got it.
I have four right here. Can I get you the fries? Can I get you the zoos?
It's good. You bet your ass it's good. Almost done. Just one more. God, I love you. It's beginning. And now.
We put Madeleine at the head of the table. It's Madeleine. Isn't it Linda?
Absolutely. When the coming of Dean Moriarty began the part of my life you could call... My life on the road. To the old man. Yes, yes, yes! You bless me, Father, for I will sin. Why do you find such absolutely wonderful people? Well, Ben, water's fine. Destroy it! Russia! He will come to death. An image of the splendor of the kings of men. |
cracked | cody_s_drunken_rant_from_dan_o_brien_video | Okay, so we're at my place pretty game a little bit getting a little buzzy string a little a little bit It's a little bit like calling it doing some quarters.
And so it's pretty fun I'm like I got a little So Cool Rally cuz I always rally but then like a surgery a little more and duck but shows up He just walks in without even saying a word.
He's got two cases and we're just like Yeah, yeah, but so we start patterning back patterning back and like I'm So I called Julie and she So I hang up and we just like pat a few more back and we said alright fuck it So we throw all the bottles on the ground My place is still filled you would not believe but we go downstairs and we start walking to the bar and before we go I'm like, I gotta call Julie again.
I call her.
She doesn't answer There's more is more about her later No No, that's it.
That's it so like I don't call Julie again for the rest of the night, but we get to the bar and as soon as we walk in everyone's Like duck butts here because of course they would be like that So we go to the bar and like I'm just pushing my way through I grab a little ass here and there No one knows it's me.
But so I come like hey, give me the huge and she's like really I'm like no making a double shot Do you guys like me now that you know that story |
dropout | What_Undecided_Voters_Look_Like_To_Everyone_Else | Mr. Thomas, I have some bad news. You have a serious medical condition, and if you don't have surgery immediately, you'll likely die.
Oh my god. With your current health care plan, you can only choose between two people to do the surgery, but the choice is totally yours. We have Dr. Stewart, a surgeon trained specifically in this procedure. Or the circus clown. Wow. Gotcha. Where did this surgeon go to school?
You heard your options, right? Yeah, I know, I know. It's just, this is my life we're talking about. I just want to make an informed decision.
Well, it looks like Dr. Stewart went to undergrad at Purdue University. Purdue? Not like a Harvard or the other one. He did undergrad at Purdue, and then med school at NYU, and then residency at John Hopkins. Hmm.
And the clown? Just a circus clown, not a surgeon, but it does look like this clown was best known for performing at Bartholomew and Bott's Big Ring. Oh my god, I've seen him, he's kinda famous. Yeah, he's clown famous. And the surgeon, he's not famous? Well, he is very renowned in his field.
But I wouldn't like, recognize him from anything? Anything being? I don't know, like a show, or Instagram, or TikTok.
No. Hmm. That's a lot of moving around. The surgeon, a lot of moving around Purdue, the other places that you said. Yes. So that's not suspicious to you? No. I see. So you're in on this? In on what? Yeah. And the clown, did he do a lot of moving around during his experience? You mean his experience as a clown, and not a doctor of any kind? Yes. No. He was mostly just a clown for the one circus. Hmm. Solid track record then. Okay, I feel like we're getting a little bit off topic.
You need this surgery to save your life.
Mr. Thomas, this is a very serious decision. Right. Of course, totally. And just to make sure, does the surgeon have good morals? Every doctor takes the Hippocratic Oath, which is a pretty strict ethical code. Well, that's very reassuring.
And the clown? Is there some equivalency in the clown world?
No. Are you sure? It feels like there should be. There would be no reason for clowns to have a moral code, because they don't deal with life or death situations. Until now that is. Yeah. So maybe they should fix that? Or you could just have him not operate on you. For sure. It's just, the surgeon is clearly a privileged elite. Okay.
So, obviously, that means that he worships the devil, and he dissects baby squirrels. There is no reason to think that the surgeon does any of that.
But the idea is out there now, isn't it? Because you said it. No, but now that it's out there, it just feels so icky. I'll be honest with you.
This clown has performed surgery before, and he has killed a lot of people.
How many people? Over 200,000 in the last eight months. Wow. That is a lot of numbers.
But maybe they would have died anyway. But that's the point. Probably a lot of people could have been saved with the proper surgeon.
I'm leaning clown. Why? The clown told me he could do the surgery. And I don't know where you're getting your numbers, but the clown just gave me this very confident looking graph. Oh my god, I can assure you. He doesn't know how to do surgery. He is a clown. So one of you two is lying to me. How do I know that you're not the clown? Because he's the clown. Fair.
He's very good at tricks, though. The satanic squirrel dissector, does he do tricks? You mean the surgeon? He can do the very impressive trick of saving your life from all his years of training as a surgeon.
It'd be pretty wild, though. If the clown did my surgery. So crazy. Yes. That would be crazy.
I know. He's not even trained. Exactly. This clown has no idea what he's doing, and if you don't get the surgery, you will die.
Don't tell me what to do. It's not telling you what to do if I'm just describing the facts of the world around you. Well, don't describe the facts of the world around me if they're bad.
Okay. Surgeon, clown.
What are you gonna do? I don't know yet. But maybe if I yell enough, I'll figure it out.
You push me into this room, and you put the weight of the world on my shoulders, and then you tell me that my only and obvious choice is this buttoned-up sucker, and then my only other option is this fake non-option, and you call me an idiot for doubting the integrity of the system itself? Well, as I see it, that's the only reasonable thing to do in this fucked-up scenario. And I don't know, maybe you're wrong. Maybe there is some other choice. Or maybe I can beat this thing on my own. Or maybe you're lying to me, and I'm not even sick. Or maybe, just maybe, if I'm gonna die anyway, then my one mark on this stupid planet is to be the guy that got famous for having the world's most popular clown give him surgery!
Because fuck it! And fuck all of you!
And the clown told me he could do it! Maybe it'll be great! And cool!
I know this isn't easy or comfortable. This is a very serious situation. But there is hope. There is a way out.
And yes, the system is flawed. And you and I might agree, or we might disagree on how it's flawed, but it is.
And that's why we need people like you to make it through the surgery so that you can make a difference and help change the system. This clown doesn't know how to do surgery. I'm a great surgeon!
And if you let him, it's not gonna be good. I promise you, he is bad, and he is not cool. And if enough people like you pick the clown, there might not even be a surgeon as an option next time.
I understand. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Surgeon is clearly a privileged elite. Okay. So, obviously, that means that he worships the devil and he dissects baby squirrels. There is no reason to think that the surgeon does any of that!
But the idea is out there now, isn't it? Because you said it! I know, but now that it's out there, it just feels so icky. I'll be honest with you.
This clown has performed surgery before, and he has killed a lot of people. How many people? 200,000 in the last eight months. Wow, that is a lot of numbers.
But maybe they would have died anyway? But that's the point! Probably a lot of people could have been saved with the proper surgeon.
I'm leaning clown. Why? The clown told me he could do the surgery! And I don't know where you're getting your numbers, but the clown just gave me this very confident looking graph. Oh my god, I can assure you, he doesn't know how to do surgery, he is a clown. So one of you two is lying to me. How do I know that you're not the clown? Because he's the clown. Fair.
He's very good at tricks, though. The satanic squirrel dissector, does he do tricks? You mean the surgeon? He can do the very impressive trick of saving your life from all his years of training as a surgeon. It'd be pretty wild, though, if the clown did my surgery.
So crazy. Yes! That would be crazy! I know! He's not even trained! Exactly!
This clown has no idea what he's doing, and if you don't get the surgery, you will die. It's not telling you what to do if I'm just describing the facts of the world around you. Well don't describe the facts of the world around me if they're bad! Okay, surgeon, clown, what are you gonna do?
I don't know yet! But maybe if I yell enough, I'll figure it out! You push me into this room and you put the weight of the world on my shoulders, and then you tell me that my only and obvious choice is this buttoned up sucker, and then my only other option is this fake non-option, and you call me an idiot for doubting the integrity of the system itself? Well, as I see it, that's the only reasonable thing to do in this fucked up scenario! And I don't know, maybe you're wrong! Maybe there is some other choice! Or maybe I can beat this thing on my own! Or maybe you're lying to me and I'm not even sick! Or maybe, just maybe, if I'm gonna die anyway, then my one mark on this stupid planet is to be the guy that got famous for having the world's most popular clown give him surgery!
Cause, fuck it! And fuck all of you!
And the clown told me he could do it! Maybe it'll be great! And cool!
I know this isn't easy or comfortable. This is a very serious situation. But there is hope. There is a way out.
And yes, the system is flawed. And you and I might agree, or we might disagree on how it's flawed, but it is.
And that's why we need people like you to make it through the surgery, so that you can make a difference and help change the system. If this clown doesn't know how to do surgery... I'm a great surgeon!
And if you let him, it's not gonna be good. I promise you, he is bad, and he is not cool. And if enough people like you pick the clown, there might not even be a surgeon as an option next time.
I understand. |
cracked | terrifying_confessions_from_real_teachers | Welcome to the ECPN Sanctum! Please welcome to the stage, The Cat! An episode of the crack podcast brought to you by season two of Those Who Can't. Hi!
Hot Street TV, which is a hilarious show that you should be watching. It's on 10 30s on Thursdays and it's super funny. Like a live action Simpsons set in your high school. This is a great show, right?
Alright, so joining me on stage, he is a senior editor at Cracked, I think. I don't know what his title is. Please welcome Cracked's resident heartthrob, Sorin Bui! And next to him, he's Cracked the head of Cracked Video and the caboose of the party train.
Please welcome Mr. Daniel O'Brien! Not quite a time. Now you might notice two suspiciously respectable looking people to my right. He is one third of the comedy trio that created and stars in Those Who Can't. Please welcome Andrew Orvidal! Perfect! As we practice, just like we practiced. And she plays Abby on Those Who Can't and has appeared in Strangers With Candy, Arrested Development, Portlandia, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Eagle Heart, just all of my favorite comedy things of the past 10 years. Please welcome Maria Thayer!
Are you booing? None of you bow at the end. You should be killing.
Thank you guys for joining us. Thank you for having us here.
Just take down these teachers, America's most overrated, overpaid profession. No, it's a wonderful profession.
And we're going to be talking about things that we always suspected about teachers. Those Who Can't kind of gives you a look behind the curtain at a typical high school, right? That's kind of Sima Verite. Well, we always think when we're writing it, we'll be like, well, if they actually did this, they'd all go to jail. And then you'll read in the news like the next day, someone doing something similar, similar to that. So it feels to us like a fantasy world, but it does seem to pop up here and there. We're going to have some anonymous teachers come up and kind of, you know, confirm or deny some of the darker suspicions that we have about their profession. But first, I wanted to talk about, I wanted to kind of get you guys' thoughts on just things that you always suspected about your teachers.
Like, I always suspected English teachers liked to smoke pot just based on all the English teachers I had, and history teachers liked to drink because they were always the ones who would show movies, like, for a whole day. So I assumed they were just, like, super hungover. I like that you reject classes as a kid where the teacher for history just shows up and is like, I've got VHS of Hunt for Red October or Birth of a Nation, which do you guys want to watch? Do you guys have any, have you done any thinking about teachers as somebody who's writing and playing a teacher or teachers? All my teachers in real life were pretty boring. Like, I did have a history teacher who had, like, a red nose that now I know. I'm like, oh, that dude was, like, hardcore drinking every night, like, just ginned from the bottle, like, a Gatorade. But other than that, yeah, they were pretty dull. There was a teacher who, this isn't funny, but, I mean, we're talking about poor behavior. There was a teacher who started, like, a non-profit helping, like, run away teens and then they found out he was, like, sleeping with some of the teens.
Ooh. Like, yeah. Okay, so that's actually something I wanted to talk about because that, any time, sorry. Anyway, back to your tack on that too.
Just wacky stuff. Just wacky, wacky stuff.
No, any time I talk to a woman, they're always like, oh, yeah, I knew, like, a teacher who was sleeping with a student. Yeah, a teacher got fired at my school for sleeping with a student. And then also, my drama teacher, it was very naive, so I never thought that anyone ever did anything wrong. I still sort of think that, but I really, in high school, I really didn't think it, but I remember outside of the theater, this girl who was the lead in all the plays, even though I ended up being the actress.
Your face, girl. You're not mad about it, at least. It's not fueling you to this very day.
She just put a hyperlink to your IMDb on her Facebook every month. If you're watching, Cindy, here I am, how the tables have turned. But she, outside of the theater, he had gloves on, and she, I always suspected something was going on, and she pissed them off, like a sexy movie or something.
That's not a sexy movie. No, we're not sexy movies.
Biting off somebody's gloves. Do you know what I mean?
That's a sexy movie. That happens in Cape Fear, I think. It's okay. Very sexy movie, Cape Fear. That's super hot.
So he was wearing the gloves, and she was biting them off of his hands. Yeah, and she was like, you know, 16 years old. Were they like gardening gloves?
But don't you think that's a sign? I feel like if I saw that... I think as an adult, you should have been like, oh, these are my hands. Get your mouth off of them. How about you, Sorin?
You went to a weird high school. I went to a really weird high school. Just to preface this, I went to an outdoor-oriented high school where we were like...
What state? Colorado. Where we were like, birth cattle and stuff like that.
I'd just been sitting there with my girlfriend. She left to go to class, and the janitor pulled me aside, and the janitor was a woman, and she said, that girl's no good for you. I was like, okay. And so I've always had this deep suspicion that teachers care a lot about the lives of the students, that they're just as invested as the students are in who's dating who and when they break up. Because then, this same girlfriend, after we did break up my, and don't guess, my rock climbing coach... Weird. Said, she's really devastated. You really let a good one get away. Are you sure you want to do this? And tried to talk me back into being with my ex-girlfriend. And so I just assumed that teachers were all like, yeah, we care just as much about the students' lives as you do. Oh my god, those two broke up?
Oh, thank god. Maybe Kate will finally get with Jonathan. So it's like fantasy sports for them. Yeah, it's all... No janitor pulls a kid aside and is like, get a different girlfriend.
Dan, how about you? Yeah, this is a weird thing to glaze over, but the topic is in the air. We lost like four teachers to having sex with students in my high school. I also went to a very weird place. Wow. Yeah, it's a huge bummer. I say lost like, we miss them, we don't.
It is the official stance of crack that that's a bad thing to do. That is a very bad thing.
But it was just one of those things that kept happening in our school for whatever reason. But the on-topic thing, the suspicion that I have about teachers actually already confirmed for me. My mother was a middle school nurse, and I went to Chili's with my mom and a bunch of her teacher friends. You know how you don't have friends when you're in high school, and so you hang out with your mom and the music teacher at a different school? So I did that, and I sat down at Chili's to get some chips and some corn dogs and some Southwestern vegetable soup.
Again, this podcast is sponsored by True TV, those who can.
And as soon as we sit down on all these teachers and their little boy child friend is around, all the teachers immediately, one margarita, and they're like, did you see fucking Bobby Simmons today? I hate Bobby Simmons.
And I knew it. I always knew that all the teachers go to the teacher's lounge, and they have kids that they just hate. And they're like, I could have given them an A, but I gave them a D, because why not? Because I'm a fucking dog, you can't question me. And I'm just sitting there watching them openly hate and root against students in their school. And I'm like, I knew it. And then they fail a test, and you're like, oh, I can't wait to tell them.
I can't wait to see the look on that little fucker. I have a question. Thank you for raising an A dollar. It's on theme, I appreciate it.
Of the four teachers that were expelled for... It's imprisoned, actually, but go on. Expelled from regular life? Were they all male teachers?
One female. Ooh. Ooh, how progressive.
All right, any suspicions you guys want to throw out there before we bring our teachers up? Yeah, I have a friend who's a teacher, and she said that whenever they have the teacher retreats, it's just like a hookup fest. All these teachers are hooking up with each other. I can't imagine any two of my teachers ever hooking up, and so I'd be curious how accurate that is if she just goes to a school, a thirsty school.
Oh, yeah. All right, let's bring up our completely anonymous teachers whose faces are very blurry when you watch this on video. Come on up, guys. Our very brave teachers. We're going to be using Reservoir Dogs aliases, so you will be Mr. Blue, you will be Mrs. Blonde, and you will be Mrs. Brown. Are there, like, general clicks? Like, are our history teachers, like, all drinking on the job? Not on the job, but, yeah.
Actually, sometimes if I know that I'm showing a movie the next day, I'm like, sweet. That's right. My history teacher showed Braveheart, like, three times a school year. Do you have, like, a go-to? Do you ever think that they should be miniseries, so you get more time? Oh, yeah, now that there's, like, Netflix and, like, The Wire?
She can just, like, knock out an entire room. Can I tell a story about when I was a student, about a teacher who was sleeping with another student? Yeah, I mean, those doors are open. When I was a student in high school, we had a teacher who was sleeping with a student.
He had given her a joint. When she went to the police, she told him everything, and, you know, they, I remember they, like, came and interviewed me and my sister and a friend, and they were, like, and the police officer kept saying, did you smoke the doobie? Right, he's a cartoon cop from the 70s and wanted to try out his slang. It's fine. Backstage, Mrs. Brown, we were, like, deciding which Reservoir Dog character everyone would be, and she was like, as long as I'm not the narc, so she's a pretty cool chick.
As far as teachers drinking on the job, not, oh, God, not on the job. Oh, yeah, which grade or grade range drinks the most?
Oh, that's a great question. Thank you, Jack. I've taught about four different grade levels at this point, and I would say when I was in the lower elementary school range, that's when I was, like, every night, don't remember any of it. That makes a lot of sense, though, because it's such a cakewalk every day. You don't have to, like, relearn trig just to teach it. You just get to go out there every night and be like, what are we working on tomorrow? We're going to be reading the K. It's fine. Right.
I want to be clear that I'm not a legitimate teacher. Uh-oh. Did you just con your way out to the stage? I don't know why I'm here. I just got 21 Jump Streeted. Nobody tells you about hooking up with this student. I work in an after-school program. It's a private, you know, affair, so that means I don't have any credential or anything.
Oh, okay. I'm just here. Adam, would you un-blur his face, please? But, yeah, I mean, I work in an after-school, you know, position, which means we start at 12, which means I drink every day, and I haven't stopped, so I started working there. Your disclaimer makes more sense now. Yeah.
And then I was homeless for a second. Just for a second.
They were like, why don't you just live at the school you work at? We have an extra classroom, and then I moved into the extra classroom, and it sucked. So it was an open, like, the person who ran the school knew you were there?
Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. That's cool.
You weren't just like... You were squatting.
What did you sleep on? I slept on a futon. I put a couch in there, a mini fridge.
But it's funny. We had a... And this season, the teacher sleeps in the school. Oh, really? Yeah. He's trying to hide it from everybody, and they can obviously tell, because he looks all sh**ty when he's coming around. Actually, on my driver's license, the address is still the school's address. What? Oh, man. That's amazing.
The San Gabriel Valley has cheaper insurance. I kept the address. When I first moved to Los Angeles, I didn't have a house yet, and I was sort of living out of my Toyota Camry, and when I would audition on my... The address on my headshot said... It was just my license plate number, and then Camry Place.
What about the suspicion that you guys will alter the grades of a really sh**ty kid? Or just be excited when they fail. Fail?
Yeah. Yes. Wow. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yes.
Can you give us any examples? I had a student when I was teaching second grade who she and I just did not click, and she really disliked me, and as much as I tried to love all of my students, I just couldn't love her.
And she figured out that she could pee her pants to really piss me off, and it worked. So she would pee her pants, and I would send her to the front office to get some new pants, and then finally one day, she peed her pants, and I thought she had this look on her face when she was peeing her pants. So I saw it coming. She snarkily raised her hand and was like, I peed my pants. Oh, she was doing it to spite you, specifically. Oh, 100%. I was like, you know what? You're going to sit in your pee pants for the rest of the day. And everyone turned around and just looked at her, and I was like, I'm doing this to a second grader? We're going for it? And from then on, not only did she... So she sat in her pee pants for the rest of the day, and then her grades were a little bit lower from then on, and I don't know what happened.
I don't know if... You know? Wait!
Making her sit in the pee pants wasn't the punishment. The grades were the punishment? It's a layered punishment. It's an onion punishment.
Dan was occasionally disruptive because he liked to tell jokes, and a teacher pulled him aside and was like, Dan, I know that you're the most popular kid in my class, and I need you to help me. So at any point when the class is out of control, I'm going to give you a signal, and you just get them back in line. And Dan, having that kind of power, was excited and like, yes.
And the trick was, there was never going to be a signal. She was never going to get it.
It was just now a way to get Dan to pay attention. And this was the first day of class, the first day of school one year. And it wasn't like, get them in line. It was like, the kids are like, kind of falling asleep.
I'm going to cue you to do your jokes. And I was like, any, not all heroes have capes. I will do this for you. Absolutely. And I was like, come in every day, looking at her like, is this the day?
And she's like, no, sit down and do science, you jerk. What's the most embarrassing thing you ever did in front of your class or that your students ever caught you doing? Well, it involves like falling, like tripping and falling, or, I mean, that's embarrassing when you're like in front of a whole class full of students and it's like, knees, elbows, face. Face plant.
Yeah, that happened. But it was really funny because this one kid, when that happened, he went, ha ha. And not even like a week later, he did the exact same thing and you know what I did? Ha ha. Did you? And everybody got it. Everyone was like, yeah.
Yeah, before that laugh though, when you fall like that, how do you regain your authority in the classroom? How do you bounce back? Like you just immediately stand up and suspend someone at random?
That leads me to a question though, how well liked do you think you are by your students and is that important to you? I would like to think that I'm well liked despite letting my students sit in their pee pants. Yeah. I also, I like my all time favorite student. I think I gained a lot of respect one day from the other students, not necessarily from him.
We were walking back in and all of my students had to walk in hugs and bubbles so that they couldn't touch anyone or talk to anyone. That's how I run the crack offices as well, yeah. Hugs and bubbles. My favorite student was at the end of the line and they were walking back into the classroom and I was just standing there in my hugs and bubbles because I didn't want to touch anyone or speak either.
And just for some reason in my mind I was like, this is it? Like I got to do it and here comes my favorite kid and I just like... Tripped him. People listening at home, yeah. As slow as I could stuck my foot out right as he was walking past and this kid was a little cartoon character as is and he just like ate it in front, like... I hate, like... I promise I am a good person but again, going back to... I gained a lot of respect from the fifth graders in the hall and the fourth graders in the... So it is prison rules like you take a kid out and then everyone's like, oh, shit.
What other stories do you need for me to shut up? Actually, I think we have what we need. Officers, please.
Most or least clever attempt at cheating you guys have ever busted? We were going on a field trip and students needed a permission slip and one boy just was not turning in his permission slip and I kept asking him for it and finally he pulled it out of his backpack and it was just a crumpled mess and he handed it to me for the street address it was like 4-1-3-2-Z Camera place? Was it camera place?
I did that in fourth grade I tried to forge a permission slip for a field trip but I did it on a wooden door not only was I had fourth grade or handwriting but I did it on a wooden door so it was like especially shitty and then I still... I still turned it in and they were like there's no way this is from your parents and they called my parents and I couldn't go on the field trip Crime doesn't pay I've forged so many permission slips in high school that I thought if my mom actually signed something I would get in trouble I'd be like this is not her signature Sorry I was just going to say we're going to have people up to ask questions to any of us whenever Yeah I have one actually it's not historical but it's... we were taking the kids to like behind the scenes at the Santa Anita racetrack with horse races I want to go to your school I want to go to your school I want to go to your school See somebody get shaken down Perfect for the gamble Anyways we took them on the field trip and we were like behind the we were at the stables or something and I'll never ever forget the question he asked to like the guide he was like do horses die? Oh my god That's so heartbreaking I had to stop the other kids from laughing I was dying inside because it's tragically hilarious but like I had to be the one who was like don't laugh let the guide answer the question What are you telling? Do you just say no horses are the glue to our society The glue of our society Soren's funny I mean she was just like yes they do die like other living things she just kept a straight face the best she could They die like you too will one day I had an 8th grade teacher though who if we were talking he would walk over to us and he would take if you were wearing shorts he would just like run his tennis shoe down your leg as hard as he like yeah That was a great guess to the audience Middle school girls we didn't shave our legs and the boys kind of had a hairy like it f***ing hurt I had an old co-worker who was talking one time at a meeting like about you know It's so horrible like find out what makes this kid uncomfortable and then like whisper it over them like when the kid's like being a jerk you come up and you're like I know you think you're being funny but we all can see your acne all over your face Something really horrible I like that they trap you on the first day of school and they're like Put your name, put down your home room teacher Biggest fear What route you take to go home Biggest insecurity Our teacher that we hired to work at the after school was just a like a rent fair horse woman You know like A rent fair horse woman? Like she took care of the horses or She's just into horses You know like people who are too into horses Oh into horses yeah yeah yeah Like they've got horse items like that kind of Right Yeah You are welcome on this podcast whenever you want to be here I find you endlessly fascinating You're my favorite That's what I've ever had in my life I noticed throughout my high school and middle school experience that our teachers in general were much more lawless and kind of willing to let the kids do whatever they want Like they were willing to pretend in wood shop that that wooden bong you were trying to make was a birdhouse and like they're like Yeah yeah yeah I mean it's not going to work So I've got no complaints I hate the teachers who are the ones who are like I am the savior of all students but again I feel like I'm now reflecting on my own practice and I'm like well clearly I would hate that because of where I'm at as a teacher Feel like we've learned a lot here today Mr. Goody two shoes has hardly tripped any kids Asshole Can I tell a story really fast? Yes I have a friend and I did get permission to tell this story who had one of those just real troubled kids because what happened is he came in and he had a sprite bottle and my friend was like you can't have a sprite bottle you can't have a sprite in here and the kid he's like you need to close it and the kid just like opened it like looked him in the eye like chugged it and then threw it in the trash can that's when my friend was like okay out in the hall and you know did the spiel and just glazed over and he's like okay that's fine you disrespect me you probably used to disrespecting your teachers but you know one day maybe you'll get pulled over by a cop and you know what he's going to do he's going to throw you in jail and you know what when you're getting f**ked in the ass by your roommate your cellmate I want you to remember this conversation the kid's eyes were like oh sh** saucers a couple days later you know he's teaching class and an administrator comes and he's like hey can I talk to you for a second he like goes out in the hall he's like can you hey you know I've got this mom and a kid in the office can you kind of like recap what you told him and so he like tells him everything he's like well you know he brought up the usual concerns about disrespect and this and you know and the administrators are like mmhmm okay well mom's in the office and she's saying that you said that her son was going to get f**ked in the ass and he goes and he is like to his credit he's like yeah I did say that I did say that and the administrator was like okay and he didn't get in trouble or any I mean I think it was sort of a combination of like them knowing he was a good teacher and them knowing that this kid was like a total s**t head but I want a lot of time has passed and a lot of information has been dispensed I want just in case anyone has forgotten because of the drama of that story the offense was a bottle of Sprite no no no thanks to our teachers for coming out and to Andrew and Maria for coming out Dan and Soren thank you guys for coming out appreciate it hey guys be sure to like and subscribe thanks for watching please tune in to Those Who Can't Season 2 which airs on Thursdays at 10 to 9 central on true TV I hear the punishment it's an onion punishment Dan was occasionally disruptive because he liked to tell jokes and a teacher pulled him aside and was like Dan I know that you're the most popular kid in my class and I need you to help me so at any point when the class is out of control I'm going to give you a signal and you just get them back in line and Dan having that kind of power was excited and like yes and the trick was there was never going to be a signal she was never going to get it it was just now a way to get Dan to pay attention and this was the first day of class the first day of school one year it was like when they're feeling and it wasn't like get them in line it was like when I feel like the kids are like kind of falling asleep I'm going to cue you to do your jokes and I was like any not all heroes have capes I will do this for you absolutely right and I was like come in every day looking at her like is this the day and she's like no sit down and do science you jerk what's the most embarrassing thing you ever did in front of your class or that your students ever caught you doing? well it involves like falling like tripping and falling or I mean that's embarrassing when you're like in front of a whole class full of students and it's like knees elbows face face plant yeah that happened but it was really funny because this one kid when that happened he went ha ha and not even like a week later he did the exact same thing and you know what I did ha ha did you? and everybody got it everyone was like yeah yeah before that laugh though when you fall like that how do you regain your authority in the classroom like how do you bounce back like you just immediately stand up and suspend someone at random that leads me to a question though how well liked do you think you are by your students and is that important to you? I would like to think that I'm well liked just by letting my students sit in their pee pants and I yeah I also I like my all time favorite student I think I gained a lot of respect one day from the other students not necessarily from him we were walking back in and all my students had to walk in hugs and bubbles so that they couldn't touch anyone or talk to anyone that's how I run the crack offices as well yeah so hugs and bubbles my favorite student was at the end of the line and they were walking back into the classroom and I was just standing there in my hugs and bubbles because I didn't want to touch anyone or speak either and just for some reason in my mind I was like this is it like I got to do it and here comes my favorite kid and I just like tripped him like people listening at home yeah as slow as I could stuck my foot out right as he was walking past and this kid was a little cartoon character as is and he just like ate it in front like I hate like I promise I am a good but again going back to it I gained a lot of respect from the fifth graders in the hall and the fourth graders in the hall so it is prison rules like you take a kid out and then like everyone's like oh shit what other stories do you need for me to shut up actually I think we have what we need officers most or least clever attempt at cheating you guys have ever busted we were going on a field trip and students needed a permission slip and one boy just was not turning in his permission slip and I kept asking him for it and finally he like pulled it out of his backpack and it was just a crumpled mess and he handed it to me for the street address it was like 4-1-3-2-Z camera place was it camera place? I did that in fourth grade I tried to forge a permission slip for a field trip but I did it on a wooden door not only was I had fourth grade or handwriting but I did it on a wooden door so it was like especially shitty and then I still I still turned it in and they were like there's no way this is your parents and they called my parents and I couldn't go on the field trip so crime doesn't pay I poured so many permission slips in high school that I thought if my mom actually signed something I would get in trouble I'd be like this is not her signature sorry I was just going to say we're going to have people up to ask questions to any of us whenever yeah I have one actually it's not historical but it's we were taking the kids to like behind the scenes at the Santa Anita racetrack with horse races I want to go to your school I want to go to your school see somebody get shaken down I could teach you kind of gamble anyways we took them on the field trip and we were like behind the you know we were at the stables or something and I'll never ever forget the question he asked to like the person the guide he was like do horses die? oh my god it was so heartbreaking I had to stop the other kids from laughing I was dying inside because it's tragically hilarious but like I I had to be the you know one who was like don't laugh the guide answered the question what are you telling do you just say no horses are the glue to our society the glue of our society it's sort of funny I mean she was just like yes they do die like other living things she just kept a straight face the best she could they die like you too Will one day I had an 8th grade teacher though who if we were talking he would walk over to us and he would take if you were wearing shorts he would just like run his tennis shoe down your leg as hard as he yeah and for like middle school girls we didn't shave our legs and the boys kind of had a hairy like it f***ing hurt I had an old co-worker who was talking one time at a meeting about you know it's so horrible find out what makes this kid uncomfortable and then like whisper it over then like when the kids like being a jerk you come up and you're like I know you think you're being funny but we all can see your acne all over your face something really horrible I like that they trap you on the first day of school and they're like run a hand out of the next guards put your name put down your homeroom teach your biggest fear what route you take biggest insecurity our teacher that we hired to work at the after school was just a like a rent fair horse woman you know like a rent fair horse woman like she took care of the horses or she's just a horse you know like people who are too into horses oh into horses yeah yeah yeah yeah like they've got horse items like that kind of right yeah you're welcome on this podcast whenever you want to be here I find you endlessly fascinating you're my favorite that's what I've ever had in my life I noticed throughout my high school and middle school experience that our teachers in general were much more lawless and kind of willing to let the kids do whatever they want like they were willing to pretend in wood shop that that wooden bong you were trying to make was a bird house and like they were like yeah yeah yeah I mean it's not going to work so I've got no complaints I hate the teachers who are the ones who are like I am the savior of all students but again I feel like I'm now reflecting on my own practice and I'm like well clearly I would hate that because of where I'm at as a teacher I feel like we've learned a lot here today Mr. Goody two shoes has hardly tripped any kids asshole Can I tell a story really fast? Yes I have a friend and I did get permission to tell this story who had one of those just real troubled kids because what happened is he came in and he had a sprite bottle and my friend was like you can't have a sprite bottle you can't have a sprite in here and the kid he's like you need to close it and the kid just like opened it like looked him in the eye like chugged it and then threw it in the trash can and my friend was like okay out in the hall and you know did the spiel and just glazed over and he's like okay that's fine you disrespect me you probably used to disrespect your teachers but you know one day maybe you'll get pulled over by a cop and you'll disrespect the cop and you know what he's gonna do he's gonna throw you in jail and you know what when you're getting f**ked in the ass by your roommate your cellmate I want you to remember this conversation the kid's eyes were like oh sh** saucers a couple days later you know he's teaching class and an administrator comes and he's like can I talk to you for a second? oh sh** he like goes out in the hall he's like hey you know I've got this mom and a kid in the office can you kind of like recap what you told him and so he like tells him everything he's like well you know I brought up the usual concerns about disrespect and this and you know and the administrator's like mm hmm okay well mom's in the office and she's saying that you said your son was going to get f**ked in the ass and he goes and he is like to his credit he's like yeah I did say that I did say that and the administrator was like okay and he didn't get in trouble or any I mean I think it was sort of a combination of like them knowing he was a good teacher and them knowing that this kid was like a total sh**head but a lot of time has passed and a lot of information has been dispensed and anyone has forgotten because of the drama of that story the offense was a bottle of Sprite no no no thanks to our teachers for coming out and to Andrew and Maria for coming out Dan and Soren thank you guys for coming out appreciate it Hey guys be sure to like and subscribe thanks for watching please tune in to Those Who Can't Season 2 which airs on Thursdays at 10, 9 central on TRU TV |
cracked | for_how_long_do_close_friends_hug_w_jordan_morris_quorators_podcast | How long have you been doing your show for? It's like at least a decade, right? Yeah, our chat show is like 15 years old, so. 15 years old.
That's cool, man. Wow. Yeah. That's a high school age podcast. 10,000 hours.
I'm Malcolm Gladwell-ed it, and now I'm the Beatles. I keep seeing you and screaming. The Beatles. I'm not the funny one, though. The Beatles.
OK. All right, that's it. That's the show then.
Do you have a list for us? Yeah, I got a list for us.
Fucking fuck it. Fucking it's dumb.
Dance. We're starting.
Jordan, can you hear this? I can kind of. I cannot anymore. I could.
The first thing that's going to happen. There it is. Yeah. It's Quarries. We're back for another week.
The famous Quarra podcast. It asks, what is Quarra?
Also, we're on crack.com, home of the fact. Let's get a fact.
I'm Alex. This is Jeremy. Hello. How's it going? We're here every week. It's not exciting. We're here. But you know who is exciting? Is this great guest we have. Yeah, Mr. Jordan Morris. Jordan, how are you? Hi.
I'm I'm excited that you think I'm exciting. Oh, my gosh. I'm excited. I'm I hope I hope the audience is excited.
Let's let's Quarra. That's what we say. Yeah. So you guys you guys are always saying that, right? That's our big catch phrase.
I'm kind of I'm feeling the excitement in the chat right now. That is going wild. It's a positive feedback loop going. Everyone's head. I mean, that's that's why we do what we do. So the chat goes wild, right? Yeah. It's a libidinal thrill having you here on our Quarra content podcast. Cool. What's libidinal? We can't talk about that right now.
Not until the advertising first three minutes on YouTube has passed. Before we get into the show, we're going to read Quarra's the whole time. If you're watching for the first time, that's that's all that's about to happen.
Have you been on Quarra before? Yeah, I and I'm and I'm a fairly new listener to your show and wanted to ask this. Have you covered the the link between Quarra and Yahoo Answers? It seems like since Yahoo Answers went away, Quarra has kind of like filled that power vacuum for the world's dumbest people to ask the most insane things. Yeah, I do think that it has picked up the torch for Yahoo Answers.
We've avoided a little bit just because we were sick with people accusing us of stealing the McElroy brothers souls and doing their podcast, but pretending that we are brothers. Yeah, we're sick of people pretending we're brothers. We both have our own siblings. It's so true. And we couldn't be farther from brothers. We're just two guys. There's only two of you.
There's three of them. There's tons of with inflation. There could be five by now, right? It now takes three brothers to cover the cost of two guys.
Thanks a lot, Biden. The plan is working. Trust the plan.
Yeah, we haven't delved too much into the Yahoo Answers mystery, as I think just the premise of our show forbids learning anything during the 90 minute or so course of program we run. Sure. Yeah, we refuse to learn. I've forgotten things I knew last year.
I feel like I run across a Quora when I'm like searching for like if I've half remembered a Sega Genesis game from my youth and can kind of describe the main character and I like Google that. That's when I get a Quora.
I just realized that we never started recording this Zoom recording, this Zoom meeting. So we're going to not have Jordan's face for the first three minutes of it. Oh, nice.
Do you want to just start over? You don't want to just go from one.
I'm going to find so many good still photos of you to plug in. Send us your favorite pictures of yourself. Thumbs up. Just get us. Just get a stock photo of a kid reading at a community college. Do you have a wedding photo I can use? Just you on your happiest day.
Yeah, just meet me dressed as a ghostbuster during Halloween when I was 10. He's live on the show. All right.
Well, every week we read a Quora that we wrote last week. And this week we have no answers on ours, which is very sad.
But the question was, what cycle of the moon is best to go out and pick up witches? Oh, that was our big Halloween episode.
And no one no one wanted to. Everyone was too scared to answer. Too afraid.
America and India, mostly, it seems like. I mean, it's got to be got to be a waxing moon, right?
Yeah, I think that's right. Sure. I think that makes sense.
Crescent blue moon. I've lain I've lain with a witch or two in my day. And it's always during the waxing moon.
Oh, there you go. You bros know what I'm talking about.
Witches love the moon. Getting a hex on that dick. Having hex with a fine young woman.
Oh, that's fun. That's better than mine. I thought of that just now. It's really good. I'm just reading from a Google. Put that on a T-shirt.
What about the blood moon? The blood moon? So I am I feel conflict around the blood moon in terms of dating culture, because I feel like the blood farm, blood red farm moon, farmer's moon, whatever it's called, is both a very spooky moon, but also would make me think of a period more than any other measure. And so maybe that's actually the worst moon to be moon cruising. I'm dumb. I looked at I was like, is blood moon a thing outside of the Zelda games?
And I was just going to say there's no time to fuck when all the enemies come back to life. That's right. I don't have time for sex. I have to kill all these moblins that I've killed before. All your exes return.
I'm working with children here. I always think everything is Zelda all the time. Oh, man, that's got to be in the new Scott Pilgrim show. Oh, no, it in there, but they're making a show. Have to move on.
So no one answered our question this week. We will say just because people have been breaking this rule more than usual. If you must answer one of our questions, please use the code word scrambled eggs.
And this way, we will know you came from the podcast and are not an organic quarry. You won't read your answer and call you an idiot. Yeah, we won't read where you live and work into a microphone and send people to harass you, which is our main source of comedy.
It's really all we do here. OK, this is our first segment. It's animal questions. It's quarter.
God, wild slam that sound effect. We have sound effects that you probably cannot hear. I've heard the show. I can kind of imagine the sound effects that you're going to be dropping in later. What do you think I'm playing right now?
Oh, man, it's got to be in the first couple of seconds of the cops theme song. I wish it was close. I'm too afraid of being sued by the police. Yeah, they wrote that song.
It was a tiger roaring. OK, good choice. Now you're plugged in on the sound. Now you know the headspace to be explained to the listener who did hear it to Jordan, who can't hear it. It's one of our sleekest animals. Wonderful.
Ladies hate it when they got a lizard down there.
Honestly, no, no cap. No, no lies.
But at the same time, she's probably kicking that thing off. I think that's what I would do. Probably came handing that thing into the balcony.
Good Lord. These Florida women. Yeah. Hey, we're all we're all guys on this call. You bros like the left ankle or the right? This is the direction our show goes in fairly regularly. I got to say, we're looking at the numbers at the end. We're like, how are there only point three percent women listeners? I don't feel like that should be happening.
Cut to which ankle is sexiest to talk about the hottest ankle. But it is the right ankle.
Yeah. You have a hard opinion on that. It's favored by the stronger leg. Sexy right. Hell yeah, bro. We're here live in 1920s radio asking fellows their preferred game. I think this one had a funny answer, if I recall. Yes. OK, this is from Terence Riley, who is a former Scripps Mercy of Radiological Team Trauma in medicine and health care. Oh, a hero job. He knows what he's talking about.
Terence says she'll probably shoo it away. What do you think she would do?
Besides, why are you asking about a female anyway? Do you not talk to the opposite sex ever? Do you not know how to respectfully ask a woman if you could have her permission for you to ask her a question? Probably not. You, sir, are not honorable, obviously not a good question.
Next, take care. Be well, stay blessed and stay healthy.
Oh, my God. Terence out for blood today. And then he put his name at the end. He signed off. Killing spree. I gave it a second up. Yeah.
Give it as many upvotes as you can. We're here to back Terrence. I saw the Barbie movie opening weekend and I loved it.
How dare you come in here? Oh, man. They are going to shoo it away, though. He's the guy from that video where the guy's like yelling at the trumpet player in New York. I don't think I've seen this is my favorite reference ever. It's just like, how dare you? How dare you come up to Quora and ask this question? I don't know if anyone knows that reference from 10 years ago.
It sounds funny. It sounds funny when you say it.
I haven't seen the video. I have such an active imagination. I could just imagine this happening. Isn't that fun?
He was like a viral meme for like a minute. He's like a very short guy and he's yelling at a trumpet player and he's like very Jewish. And then the Safdie brothers put him in a movie because they're like, we got to get this guy. He's a star. Yeah, we got him. We got Chocolate Rain. We got the new manooma guy. And he's amazing.
So powerful. Yeah, he does like a really dark turn in the new Safdie's movie. The right.
You thought you knew the new manooma guy? You thought you knew manooma him?
Yeah. This is what the Safdie's were directing. The Weezer's pork and beans music video. Right. As all cinema files remember. Oh, man. Have you have you seen that video of the guy of the like very New York guy petting the cat in the bodega? And he's like, it takes a pet like no problem. Yes. That's the video I'm always describing to people.
And they're like, never seen it. Sounds funny.
He's like, so impressed with the cat. I can imagine it's a good cat. Takes a pet like no problem.
New York City, the home of Internet memes people. Check out me. Ring that bell on me. Google these. You'll love them. I mean, New York, the pizza, the culture, the names just walking around in L.A. You're in your car. You're not running into memes on the street.
There's Robert De Niro. He's doing creeper. I love to run into pizza at.
OK, I feel like are we exploring more answers of this lizard question? I feel like we've kind of. Sure. Yeah, I mean, what else could you say? Yeah, most people are just like, I don't know.
She'll kick it right. Get rid of it. It's not going to keep the lizard.
All right. Well, that's enough of Terrence's answers. That's enough. All right.
I found this core. That's kind of disgusting, but it's that's kind of what the show is. So it is. Could you hypothetically use a tapeworm as a sausage casing? Oh, my Lord. I'm like disturbed that someone came up with this. Yeah, I've got a bunch of them. So this is more of like a mad scientist style.
Sure.
This is the human centipede guy. And as he's just waking up and he's warming up for the day. Yeah, he's doing his daily like what is it when you like just write for a page or whatever? Yeah, his brain storm. Yes, he's the guy from human centipede is doing the artist's way.
Yes, yes, yes. Daily pages. Yeah, there you go.
But yeah, I mean, you know, maybe it's a thing where the human centipede guy is just like really into home cooking now, like he's that guy who just got an air fryer or just, you know, is just starting to sous vide. And he's like, oh, yeah, I've got and that's all he talks about. I'm imagining you're getting the tapeworm casing sausage from the human centipede guy and he's giving it to you and he's like, feed her. I realize it's the one quote you can do from that guy.
It's not horrifically offensive. This is so nasty. Yeah, but I feel like they have a semi. They have a good permeable skin. You could really use. Sausage is already nasty. It's a thing everyone just looks past. It's an abomination food that you put in your stupid sandwich.
So I think tapeworms are fine. Let's get on them. Tapeworms and sausages now.
You're allowed. Alex says it's OK. I demand it. Alex's parents are doctors. Go out.
Well, isn't that based? The first the first. Sorry, what's up, Jordan?
Oh, it's the like idea that the tapeworm would eat the sausage and fill itself up and then it will become a sausage. Or do you have to fill it yourself? Oh, that is a really good question. That is not my interpretation. My interpretation is like, could you use a tapeworm skin? Yeah, like an animal or clever, though that at least makes sense as to like why you'd want to you get the tapeworm to do it for you to make a happy little worm. Yeah, maybe you maybe you don't. The filling part is the part that annoys you about home sausage making. And you're like, well, what if there was a casing that would fill itself? Yeah, we're a worm positive snack company that puts worms first.
We're just started by a couple of guys who thought maybe there's a better way. Just a couple of brothers. It's the same as the oat milk pack. No, we can't say couple of brothers. It's against the rules for us. There are no brothers here.
We're going to post this on the MaxFun Reddit because we have you on and they're going to yell at us. Jordan, this is all an elaborate plot to get you guys doxxed. It's so easy. We do it to ourselves. It's so easy to doxx yourself by accident.
Remember that the coffee shop next door? You want to say the name and address of that before we start reading? We've done it.
I was going to say the top comment on this is someone saying, no, this is very dangerous. And then I can't read the rest, really, because it is locked behind Quora Pluses. That is a premium answer. You are not allowed to know why it's dangerous. I mean, I respect your guys's like I respect the fact that you refuse to pay for Quora Plus. Thank you. Imagine. Imagine the insanity that's behind the Quora Plus, though. I mean, what kind if this is the stuff on the free site, how what are the dedicated freaks paying to post? I wonder if it's the opposite, though, because I feel like with this one, I feel like they've they've hidden the only sane answer where someone's like, you really should not do that.
And then they've been like, shushed away. And like, all right, bring this guy out here. And he's like, yeah, I don't know, tapeworm.
Yeah, go for it. Yeah, do it. OK, try it. Put it in your mouth.
Also, you know, this is kind of great timing. I know that the now that the WGA strike is over, I can talk about the fact that I am doing a pilot for Quora Plus. That's awesome, dude.
It's a series about a tapeworm who feels trapped between two worlds. Sweet. So it's animated. It's all animated. Yeah, yeah.
But it's like it's like more of like a BoJack thing to her. Like, you know, he's depressed and like anxiety, depression, you know, feeling out of place.
No, the way I feel about Quora Plus, and I'm glad that you approve of this as we get a lot of negative pushback on it, is I am taking viewers to the oblivion gate. I dare not venture inside. That's true. There is nothing good behind the gate.
I wonder how much it is. I don't even know. My understanding of this when we've looked into it before.
Seven dollars a month. This is seven dollars a month or fifty dollars a year, which is a steal, by the way. But sometimes we click on these and it seems like you have to subscribe individually for different subquaras, which is something I refuse to support.
No, man, you can get peacock for that. Jesus. Yeah, you got more information from a canceled medicine man. What's your option?
Yeah, you can have every episode of The New Girl or The Real COVID vaccine. How to do home amputations. Real worm knowledge. OK, this person wrote a lot. Sure, this guy says it might be possible, but they are parasites and carry disease. Oh, wait, can I add that this is written by Kurji with an X and their certification is Italian foods.
Yeah, pretty good. That's a pretty good certification.
You go to school for that for Italians. Not Italian food. It's Italian foods. They can eat a lot more than that. Italians, we could eat all kinds of foods.
My mother loved to feed me the worm. Oh, apparently it's it's. Yeah, they've just got a bunch of diseases. Well, the thing about tapeworms is you get them by eating them. So people like, please don't eat a tapeworm.
I never respond to these, but don't do it.
But all of these answers start with like, all right, look, technically, yes, it is possible to do. I do have to say you can do it.
The FDA has no rules about this specific legislation. No one could stop you.
This like is this are we seeing this on hip brunch menus in a year? Are you going to brunch and is the is the waiter like, do you want applewood smoked bacon or tapeworm sausage? Ooh, a sausage grass fed into a tapeworm.
It's exclusively sold at restaurants that have our story on their website. Yeah, we're just you guys who wanted to start a restaurant save from these guys. Let's go to another question. OK, this is our romance segment.
Quoromance slam that romance theme, Alex. Oh, thank God. I just can't do anything right. This is quoromance.
These are all of the questions of love and and intimacy. This question is, how normal is it for a husband with a six figure salary to yell at his underemployed wife when she asks him to spot her at 20? Sadly, all too common.
How normal is it? How normal is this five normal?
You guys think this is being asked by the husband or the wife or a third party? This sounds to me like underemployed wife is like, I'm taking this one to the Internet.
I want twenty dollars. How it can in our are people still asking to for to get spotted a 20 in this cashless society of ours? I don't know. Maybe I'm coming at this from the perspective of a coastal elite. But how how often are you asking just for a 20?
Yeah. If you're a wife, you've got to move to Apple Pay. Go ahead. Underemployed wife. You got to go get a Venmo. Yeah. Double tap the side of your phone and steal your husband's money. It's really the only way to go. Yeah.
But she's getting chewed out for this one, folks. No question. What should be done, though? It's just is it normal? And it's not about her being underemployed or whatever people are going to talk about in this. It's about do should I get yelled out? Respond in the comments. There's people have really written like fucking novels under this one. This is really I can't find what that's more than like ten thousand words. Is it normal?
Andrea Teale says, Does this situation feel familiar? Familiar comes from the same root of family. We create the same patterns over and over again because we get an energetic change from it. I would venture to say that you felt this way when you were a child out of control, dominated by a male figure, and they just keep going on.
Start defining words. Right. When you're when you're going back to the Latin root of things, maybe you're putting too much thought into your Internet comment. Well, here's something weird. Someone said it is normal, but not acceptable. And then he says, Hora doesn't think my answer is long enough. So much for brevity being the soul of wit.
Seriously, though, plenty of guys do nasty and ridiculous, ridiculous things. They seem normal, but is his behavior acceptable to you? How will you feel when your daughter watches this happen, but a few times worse?
So I guess Quora was like, You got to put more in there. When they say Quora doesn't think my answer is long enough. Did they receive an email? I imagine it said like, Hey, you got to write more. Expand on your ideas.
This is an important question. You really need to answer it. This is not a mandatory class, but it is a important class.
Quora has suggestions. Try going back to the Latin root of some words. Double space your answer. Make the periods bigger.
Include a lot of weird personal personal details. That guy had a list of people I would avoid marrying.
Number one, people who yell and get angry easily. Number two, people who have excuses for their behavior and don't take responsibility for it. Number three, people who can't apologize.
These are all decent things. Number one on my people to avoid marrying would be like serial killers. Right. Well, hey, if they don't yell.
Well, yeah, the mommy's dangerous. I married the mommy. But if you can get yourself a mommy with a six figure salary.
Yeah, that's true. Then you're eating good, especially while I'm under a void.
You have fine restaurants running away screaming with your hands over your head. Like I'll get I'll get groaned at a little bit if it means making six figures. Don't groan at me at Versace.
Now that's a sitcom. The mommy had an office job. This strikes over. Let's pitch over. We're back. Although I guess it depends on where the mommy lives, like, you know, six figures.
You know, it's true. Oh, yeah. Go that far in a big city. But you move. You move. That's a conflict. I don't know. Nebraska or something. Yeah. You're the mayor of the town.
Just outside Vegas. That mommy could get a get a six bedroom place. It keeps gambling it away. This actually goes into my other show. I'm pitching Mayor Mummy. This mom made six figures.
I mean, is that the goal for Cora plus to start turning these things into shows? Do they like technically own it? I bet they do. I bet like we all sign something that's check off some box when you make an account that's like Cora owns the rights to all of your questions. This is why the AMPTP was so confident going into the strike, which is like we have a backup.
You do not need you guys. If you ask who could win the fight, Goku versus Master Chief, they can make that show. I have 10 computers that have finished it. There is some and there is some Rick and Morty writer who is writing the sausage tapeworm pilot right now.
Absolutely. Good for them. Good for you. Check out Katie Delaney's sausage tapeworm. Yeah. In between doing all of the Marvel movies. Yeah. All right. Once I'm done writing the Kang Dynasty, I can get to that tapeworm thing. It pays such good money to be on Cora Plus. Yeah. OK, this is a very good Alex.
You're already preparing us out. Don't worry about what I'm doing. You worry about reading the Quora. Here's a Quora.
I'm doing my job. I do my job.
Question. I'm bored with my wife. What should I do?
Oh, no. That's right. Mario saying, oh, no. Mario has never been bored of Peach. What does Wario say? Wait, wait. I just had that one. Oh, no. Oh, baby.
There we go. All right. There you go. There are no sounds I do not have. Yeah. As long as they're one of the 32 sounds anyway. So if you're bored with your wife, you got to throw her away. It's a show for guys. Yeah.
Who is after yourself? A girl with a nice, thick right ankle. Am I right, boys?
She may have twisted it. She may have turned her ankle. Oh, no. So the swelling will go down when she ices it and elevates it. But for now, it's such a bummer when you think a girl's got a thick ankle, but she really just rolled it running in flip flops.
That's the that's the danger of Instagram, my dude. Yeah. You know, the airbrush ankles are real.
This answer is so fucking long. But the first sentence is I'm 14, so you probably shouldn't listen to me. Hey, we've all been there. That said, three thousand more words. Marriage comes from the Latin word. I was about to say I'm expecting advice from the most divorced people in America, but I was wrong.
I just I'm reading. It's like so many paragraphs. And then on like paragraph four, it says my therapist says that because of Asperger's, I see things like I am always in a pretty garden. It's like they just like keep going. Your therapist has a beautiful vocabulary. Yeah, that's a potent metaphor. I don't know. They've written a whole story here.
But when father comes home from work with a big smile and always begins the evening with going into the kitchen with mom and holding hands and working together on supper while I set the table with mats and cups and bowls and stuff. What does that mean? OK, I think she doesn't think he's saying that, you know, marriage can be beautiful if you if you stick it out. And obviously there's going to be challenges. But, you know, having a having a committed partner is, you know, it can be a beautiful thing.
Yeah. Unless you're bored. The family structure is perfect for raising an autistic Quora user. You need every pillar of the community there. Alex and I are two married men. That's right, Jeremy. When we get bored, we just start a podcast. That's correct. Yeah.
And then your wife will be more horny for you. Finally, we've been finding her. Podcasts been finding it. Wrap up that podcast and come fuck me.
That's right. It happens. Wrap up reading that Hello Fresh ad. It happens every day. Yeah. Read Hello Fresh so you can say hello fresh to your wife. Hello, Fresh. Oh, yeah.
I call my wife fresh. If you get bored with your wife, come up with zippy nickname. Say that fixes anything. Call her a Casper mattress or better help dot com.
Okay, great. People are just giving real advice with their like, try something new. Go on dates again. These are good. Yeah. Go to a music festival. It's sound advice.
And then someone said, whoever wrote this comment, please marry me. Hello. Well, but also I'm very lonely. Please marry me.
I'm just 14, but marry me. It's kind of a dating app for 14 year olds. Really, 14 year olds who craves marriage shouldn't exist. It's a commitment. Very dangerous dating app for Quora.
I don't think that was that crazy of a question. No, it's it's a helpful romance question. Well, here's another one at maximum. For how long do close friends hug? Yo, great question at maximum. Yeah, we're not we're not talking about.
Oh, dap, dap. Sure. Yeah, I'm talking about a minimum. What's good, J-Dog? Dap, dap.
What we're talking about is like a heartfelt like, but when Jesus knew he was getting betrayed, what kind of hug was he getting? Well, that's not a close friend. It's the closest friend. It's an apostle. Oh, yeah.
This would be like this would be like a six minute scene in a like Judd Apatow movie that came out in 2008. The six minute hug starring Paul Rudd. I mean, we're bros, but are we bros? Try to get away from me. Is Jason Segel going to hug Paul Rudd for too long?
Well, people think. Unrelated, here's a live birth scene. This film is four hours long.
Oh, why did I do that? It was accidentally closed an answer.
I'm trying to think about the longest hug I've had. I've had at least a 60 second hug. Sixty seconds.
Oh, yeah, bro. I've ever counted. Oh, no, you ain't going to go then.
Maybe it depends on how long it was since you last saw the person. I'll try and give an honest answer here. Like sometimes it's a like, you know, you're you're meeting up for drinks with somebody you see a couple, you know, a couple of times a month. But then there's like old friend and you maybe you're going to want to hug a little longer. I don't know. I think that's true. Like how long do you think like Odysseus would hug a beloved captain upon returning to Ithaca's far shores?
Is this one of the answers or? Yeah, that's it's an answer. That's something somebody else said.
It's not just Alex's brain. OK, well, here's the thing is I think if you're getting a hug over 10 seconds, it is now a bit. And once it is a bit, it can go for some time.
Sure. Fair enough.
I do think you're right that the longest hugs I've ever given to a friend is after not seeing them for a long time. But I have also never returned to Ithaca. Yeah, you know, it was Ithaca, New York.
You come to a beloved captain and then you're doing the hug, but then you get the hug ends and you're still like, ah, you know, you're holding shoulders. He thought the captain had been dashed upon the rocks following the siren song that the siren got you. I thought the Cyclops used you to brush his teeth. But here I have you now in my loving arms. You know, I'm coming soon to theaters, Judd Apatow's The Odyssey. Bro, I thought you got dashed on the rocks.
We have the most movie pitches per minute. I think this episode we have ever had. We have a whole streaming service right here just getting randomly generated. Yeah, I mean, they've got chat GPT on Quora now.
It's a real bummer. And they throw it at.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
The chat GPT has answered this and gives a terrible answer. It says there's no specific timeline for how long close friends may hug. Who cares? Give me a number. Why would I want chat GPT to answer this? I'm looking for a hug profession. I don't need chat GPT to be like, I don't know. I have no arms. Why would you type this? That's our job. Love is a foreign concept to a machine such as I. Thanks, chat GPT.
Anyway, this person, Kristen Neal, whose job is 19 years of experience, did give an answer six years ago, which her job is just her experience. Yeah, not at what? 19 years. 19 years of experience at hugs.
Come on. And she's got answers for us. Yo, she says if it's a friendly hug as to say hello. Three seconds. If they gave you a present. Yeah. Five seconds at most.
Celebration hug like they accomplish something big around five seconds. The only time there is no limit of how long a hug can last is when your friend is upset or they are moving and you won't be able to see them again for a long time. Oh, in fact, your friend is upset and they need a hug. Don't be the one to let go. Have them let go first. You never know how badly they need a hug. Apology hug. Five seconds. But depends on how bad of an apology you're giving. This can be another situation where you hug until they let go because you're probably hurt and because they are probably hurt and upset. If you come with up with any other situations that you don't know how long to hug for, ask me or just like this.
What if they were giving you? I'm giving you my personal number. Call me at any hour to ask me how long to hug for.
This is the mayor of Quora. This is this is a six year old answer.
But I do think we must come up with a situation. She's still getting calls. Wait, just ask for a number. Be like, how do I contact you to ask about that? OK, Krista, I've got a hug emergency. Betty, fuck me. Hug questions to ask you. Where can I best contact you?
OK, yep. And then out. All right, Krista, this is two decades nearly of hug experience, and you can tell. Well, now even more. This is going to be the one that gets us banned from Quora.
I do not hit on Krista. Krista is better than that. Do you do personal hug seminars?
Now we're now double checking. This is not a child. OK, great. I'm looking at there. I'm looking at her, her experience, her. She went to school at the college and university. OK. Yeah, I went there. Checks out, checks out. She might be a college.
Go school fighting you. Let's go mascot.
Yeah, she might be just not a real person because she knows about human behavior, apparently. That's her one of her top subjects.
Yeah, just I guess if you are like if you are a psycho who is counting your hug seconds. Yes, just like make sure to don't not audibly do it while you're hugging someone. Oh, does a pin count as a hug?
One, two, two. You need a full five count for those are full ten count. That's a that's at the ref's discretion. If you're like wrestling. Yeah. Did you do wrestling? Am I making that up? I did wrestling in high school, but they don't have a ten count for that.
If you touch the back at all, that you lose. Yeah, the ref blows his whistle and you have to explain that you're in mourning. You're out of here. No, I just got a present. I would love for the the ref to yell, you're out of here. You get pinned to a high schooler. Get out of here.
Someone answered Krista's answer and said these answers can actually all be false in some cases. What the fuck?
I have friends who I don't tend to hug for very long. Wow. Well, some are some others I hug. A longer hug is pretty commonplace.
You know, tell her to back off. Yeah, come on. Kristin knows Kristin knows what she's talking about. She's been doing it for 19 dang years.
Yeah. OK. I'm trying to see if anyone else has specific numbers, because I do think that that's really funny to me. Nine seconds. Yeah.
So Michelle Wynn says, hmm, I suppose around nine seconds or more, which is useless. At least nine seconds. Some will try and let go before nine seconds is up.
Do not let them. Those are not your real friends. She said really close friends hug longer than people who are, quote, just friends. People who are just friends usually hug a person for six seconds or less.
Oh, dang. I got to write these down. I know I got to get these numbers ready. All right. Well, that's that question. I learned a lot today. Let's move on to parenting or parenting, where we're in. That's the bong. That's that's enough.
We're here at quarantined. Your number one quora parenting questions. Now, most of Quora is like fictional. I think it's just people like making up situations where they're, you know, my son breathed.
So I murdered him. Right.
What should I do? But I don't know.
Some of them are funny. So I like the wording on this one is probably not real.
But it's my 16 year old daughter said she just wants to be alone. And she keeps saying she wishes she had a door. What do I do? I am not giving her a door. I've heard variations on this. I just like I am not giving her a door. I know a normal one is like my 16 year old daughter wants a lock for her door. Sure. For the lock door is a different. I didn't have a lock growing up on my door. Girls, you need a door. You got to have a door opening. You can't live like you're recording a crack snobby kid. Are you going to raise if they've got a door?
They're opening and shutting. They got to work. You know, you got to teach kids to work for their door. My house is an open floor office, like a modern content farm. Got to be able to make contact at all times. Yeah. My children and I squat in an artist sloth. You have your kids doors and they're turning. They're closing the door on Christ's message.
That's there you go. Yeah, I've always saying that as a man. If you want if you want to raise your kids, right?
Not only do they have to sleep in full view of you, but they have to piss and shit right in front of you. No doors anywhere in the house.
I think they should compromise and get beads. Get her a bead door.
That's fun.
Kind of, you know, retro hippie thing. Yeah, it's like a like a like a like a bong shop or something.
Yeah. Right. In the room. Yeah. I knew people had bead doors growing up and they were the coolest people I ever met. Oh, yeah. Maybe a lava lamp. Yeah.
Lava lamps get so hot. Can we talk about that? Please do, Alex. Go off. They seem like they're more of a fire hazard than normal lamps. Maybe that's not true. Maybe I'm saying some stuff the fat cats upstairs don't want me to say. Big lava lamp. Lava is too hot to have in a house. And that's the final word. I really hope you're not about to read an ad for Lava Lamps. Slash, but wait. There's a solution with an everyday product. All joking aside, if you are selling lava lamps, we will easily start doing ads for their heartbeat. I am not fucking around here. All right.
This guy, Yoweri says, firstly, you give her a door. Secondly, you get on your knees and beg for forgiveness. For being a horrible parrot. Oh, thirdly, pray every night that once she's a girl, full grown adult, she doesn't cast you out of her life immediately. You fucked up by never giving a child privacy.
Why did they stop counting? I don't know.
Did the did this kid's room just not have a door in the first place or did the parents like take off the door? That's a good question. Yeah, it seems like the room should just have a door, right? Like anyway, what if what if her room used to be a kitchen? Sure. I lived in a room like that in college. Did you not have a door? I did, but it was like a big glass one you could see through. I almost had a room without a door when I was a kid, but I thought about moving into my attic when my parents finished it and it would have just had a staircase. Oh, which is kind of the that's a fun room. Kind of a door is a fun room, but I didn't do it.
It's like you live in a treehouse. Yeah, just sleeping up there with all the Christmas decorations. Yeah, that's fishing stuff. Nice angular roof. Oh, yeah. Get your kid used to living in a triangle. Big pyramid shaped space.
So this person to answer the question, he's not giving her a door. I'm assuming this is a father, maybe is a mother. They're not giving them a door. The daughter's not going to door.
That's the last thing I want to hear. Sure. I guess what you could do is move her to somewhere separated by stairs. It's beads beads.
Bury her in a hole. Put her in a hole, a basement daughter.
What about a changing screen?
OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good one. That's a nice compromise, right?
You can kind of see their silhouette, but they have a little bit of privacy. But, you know. Yeah, like a fogged like shower door. You could like kind of tell if they're like do if they have like a gun in there or something, you could tell from this.
Oh, I but you can seal her in a well. Why do you want to burn her this time?
I'm just giving options that don't involve a door. What about just a fog machine?
That's cool. The room. Yeah. The kid needs a little privacy. You hit the fog juice and then they have to pay for their own. Like that's the thing. Yeah. She's in here somewhere and she knows what she did. It's easy to get through, but you can't see. I like all these ideas. Great work.
It always it always smells like a haunted house in here now. Just a bunch of dry ice at the bottom.
We're three guys who love to parent. We all have 16 year old daughters.
OK, we got one more segment. It's the police segment five quo hit that police siren. It's not a real police siren. If you're driving, you're not really not a real police siren. Is it just part of the podcast? It's not an ambulance. It's just a podcast. OK, so this one is kind of like a mix between parenting and police.
So I put it first. Oh, this question is, I have a gun and let my 13 year old son borrow it for shooting practice. He took it to school the next day and threatened a bully. The police are now involved. Will disowning my son stop any charges brought to me? I love this. OK, so he's he's got a gun. You got the 13 year old son borrow it. And the son immediately took it to school and threatened his boy. And he has to sign it out. I have a log book. He has to check the gun out.
I just love the legal response to like, I did not know he was like that. I thought he was cool. He kind of sucks.
No more being a son in my house. Yeah, the police are right. That's your bad. You're a vagrant child now and you're dangerous. The first thing you take away the kid's door, get a screwdriver, you take that baby off the hinges. No more door. I'm sorry.
Jeremy just scrolled very quickly past a large photo of a troll doll that said, I smell a troll, but I thought I just saw the troll doll and it was really jarring for me. I don't think it is a troll. I think it's real. I think this is a father. I think this is a father who wants to know what to be done.
What can be done to not go to prison? Social media the way it is. You don't know what to do when you're pretty much everybody is mad at the question asker.
No surprise. There's a guy who says it's due to parents like you that are the reason liberals are doing something. And I think that could be onto something like that. Wow. Interesting. Damn, liberals are up to it again. This is like one of the like, I'm a responsible gun owner people.
Yeah, I would never let my son threaten his bully. Only I would do it for him. I would come to school with him, with the gun and the bully.
Right. Gun in hand pointed at the floor. Yeah. See, you're a teen. When you're 18, that's when you can start threatening people with guns. When you're just a kid, you know, brass knuckles. It's full of pennies. As the founding fathers intended. You have to learn how to have it in your waistband so you can just slowly pull up your shirt. You don't take out the gun. That's where there's trouble. The gun has to be revealed next to your cum gutters. Yeah, exactly. You just stick it in the elastic of your PE shorts. Yeah. Then when he's hassling you out on the dodgeball field.
I'm very into the founding father's stance on bullies. I feel like this isn't discussed enough. I mean, what was King George, but the ultimate bully.
That's right. And what was the founding father's, if not a 13 year old borrowing a gun to threaten him? Listen, if you're out there on the school yard and some fat cat's trying to tax your tea. Yeah, exactly. It's just the last page of the Constitution where Thomas Jefferson's like, so what?
I like bigger women. I think that's fine.
Give me back my Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Those cost a lot of money, which now is around twenty five cents.
Sometimes countries colonize you just because they've been colonized themselves. That's right. Colonized countries, colonized countries.
Yes, exactly. Thank you. Empathy. Yes. Radical empathy. Let's all practice it louder for the listeners in the back. Real eyes, real eyes, real eyes. Colonize, colonize. You know, so many good Tupac quotes. Well, I read a lot of demotivational posters or I guess motivational posters. I want to say it's inspiring. Yeah.
OK, everybody thinks this is a fucking troll and it's live and the Democrats have infiltrated America's Gum Club.
So horror isn't as cool as it used to be.
Joe, this is Joe Biden. Joe Biden is trolling. Joe Biden personally wrote this question.
Triggered Mac?
He thinks that his son is 13, but it's it's Hunter Biden. He thinks it is 1972 and his son is 13. Hunter Biden threatened Donald Trump Jr. with a gun and Joe Biden was like, what do I do?
That would this would be a good job for Hunter, though, Hunter. You know, give him something kind of low stakes, like make him the guy who plants the liberal message on Cora. I've been saying this every week, but he is the dream guest for the ball. Alex really wants to have him on our body. Nobody speaks to me more as like Internet street knowledge than Hunter Biden. He seems like he solves questions. You know that within the year, the guy is going to have a podcast, right? Yeah, absolutely. It could be politically related. It could just be like him and his friend from college recapping Battlestar Galactica. Yeah, he'll somehow get like celebrities on.
Welcome to Hunter Biden's office recap podcast. He's like the fifth one. Well, I guess what happened over there is still bigger than Kevin's. Join Hunter Biden and Jenna Fisher as they recap their favorite moments from Scranton's workplace.
That's really funny. Hunter Biden got Dax Shepard and they just got into it. It wasn't like a traditional interview, but it's like they just talked, you know. That's really funny. He gets Jon Stewart on before Marin does.
OK, I got another question for us. This question is, I lost the cops in a car chase. My car doesn't have a plate. Am I fine?
First of all, hell yeah, dude. You're good, dog. Cool. It's cool as shit.
Keep driving, dog. I imagine he's driving and he's texting this to Quora. Wow. He's getting away.
I've lost them. I hope you are searching on a burner laptop. I've looked up and my star meter seems to have gone down.
Make sure to turn Google off before checking with Quora that you've escaped from your crime. Jordan, do you think that this guy is being arrested or do you think he's going to be OK? Yeah, I mean, I think check his check his question history. Like if his next question is like, how do you make wine in a toilet? Probably got caught. It's unfortunately extremely hard to find the question asker for some reason on Quora.
They really make you scroll. But I want to figure out what this person's next. Oh, here. What are the most realistic wigs? I scrolled so far to just as questioned by anonymous.
This guy is so committed to being off the grid. No, this dude, this dude knows his shit. This guy like, yeah.
No license plate, no Quora account. You don't think they're going to check the Quora account? It's the first thing to check. Or cops are just going to go start going after every anonymous Quora poster.
I think he's going to know you ask, can a man fuck a snake? Clearly, that guy who let us on the car chase, pull off your pants. We want to see the the bite marks on your crotch to see if you tried.
So it says as long as they didn't see you, they can't prove you were driving, even if it's your car. What? They can't prove you were driving. My brother has ran from the cops plenty of times and has had his real plates on. Cops don't actually look for you after you run unless you're a criminal. You are a criminal. You're running a car. What are you talking about?
Yes. Maybe the move to get a plate for the car and then. Yeah. And then you can just kind of cruise around because they're probably looking for a car with no plates. Yeah. Get it. Paint it. Get new plates. They'll get a really like funny personalized. Yeah.
So they're like, I would have remembered that. Now, that can't be him. It says boys are us on it. Ass man like that Seinfeld episode. Oh, hilarious. I would have I would have known if we were chasing a Seinfeld fan. It can't be him. We're looking for all their bills, Seinfeld all the time.
Yeah, I don't know. There's not really any answers outside of just like, yes, you were going to be arrested. I love the idea that he posted on Quora. It's just a funny it's a funny place to ask.
I think he got away. I think he did, too. I think we'll never know, really. Could be you or I. It could be. It could be Alex.
It's not me. Never. Yeah. None of us. None of us are in jail. I'm innocent.
I got one more question. This is our final one.
If you were given a gun then held at gunpoint to kill many others or else you and your family would be killed if you refused to do so, what would you do? Would you be criminally charged if you fired any shots under this duress? Many others. To me, I don't know why that is the funniest way to word that to kill many others. This is so obviously a fantasy of this man who's just like, I have to kill many others.
Oh, no. Yeah. I remember they asked us this question in religion class when I was 12. Well, what'd you say? They're like, Al Qaeda breaks in here and he makes you go sicko mode. Do you do it? I feel like you joke. But like knowing people who have been to Catholic school, I do feel like a lot of people were like, what if someone puts a gun to my head and makes me masturbate? I go to hell then. This did happen. Really? Yes. And what we were looking at in the doc, I was like, this one's not funny.
They asked me in class. Wait, so what was the context? Oh, the context was 9-11 had just happened. And they were like, yeah, these kids are freaked out and I'm a psycho. So I can do whatever I want. What was the answer? Oh, the answer was you're supposed to let them shoot you in the fucking brain.
Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah.
And go to heaven and go to heaven. It's a religion class. Check it out. Kind of teaches you, I guess, what you do when Al Qaeda kidnaps a sixth grade class.
Thank you. I do know. I do know what happens if someone holds a gun to your head and forces you to masturbate. Tom Harter, did you ever have in your life? There's a lot of videos that cover this where nothing else compares and you're just bored sexually for the rest of your life. All right, well, that's the answer.
There's not a court in the country that charge you for that. You go to you go to court and everyone just starts clapping. The judge stands up.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Ropes. Well done, sir. You had to masturbate. Did you bring the jar of hot glue?
I always want to say not to make a crass joke, but I do think that 9-11 would be a little cuter if it was done by a class of sixth grade Catholic school children. Oh, yeah. They all wear a little uniform. If it was you and your buddies, Alex. Sure. 9-11 babies with a C. Put it on quarter applause. All right.
Should we ask a Quora? What do we want to do? Do you want to read more of these for 9-11 babies on Apple TV in six months?
Everyone says that you would go to to prison. You would go to prison because because you loved to commit the crime.
Our question, our question. Jordan, do you have any questions you want to ask Quora and see if they'll have answers for us? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, let me I mean, how about this? Like, you know, what do you want to see out of a Quora TV show? Let's just use this as a focus group. Yeah, let's like meet back here in a couple of weeks for like another brainstorming session. Let's kind of use some of this info. And yeah, like we're going to hear from this guy again. Put this out and test us. It's in my calendar right now. Meet back, check the Quora answers.
I'm going to do it. Yeah, of course. And if I like get really busy, we'll reschedule. Guys, seriously, call my assistant if I don't get back to you. I really want to make sure this works out.
I mean, the holidays are kind of crazy. So next year, but like it's unrealistic to expect emails to come back from November to January.
But after that. Right. All right. So get that it go and type that up. That's going to be your question for the week. Meanwhile, this has been Quora.
Jordan, thank you again for coming out. What would you like to tell our lovely listeners about this week? Oh, my gosh. Thank you for having me.
So fun. Love the show. It's hilarious. You all are great.
Hey, if you're listening to this and you think you might like to read an upcoming graphic novel written by me and illustrated by the great Bowen McGurdy, we've got one coming out next year. It is called Youth Group. It touches upon some of the themes we've talked about today. It is a YA horror comedy about a bunch of goofy teenage exorcists. There's laughs, there's spooks. There's a little bit of romance and there's the power of friendship. Yeah, it was it's super fun to do. It's called Youth Group.
It is. Yeah.
Yeah, it's it's super cool. I'm excited for folks to check it out. Check out youth group book. We got the link in the comments. And by comments, I mean whatever the description of the thing you're viewing this on. Yeah, we'll put it in there. And that's where thrills are.
That's going to be us for another week. If you would like more of our show every Thursday, there's a whole nother episode where we go on other websites like Reddit, Facebook, and that's on patreon dot com slash curators. We'll see you there and we'll see you here next Monday. Bye, motherfuckers.
Bad court in the country that charged you for that. You go to you go to court and everyone just starts clapping. The judge stands up.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Ropes. Well done, sir. You had to masturbate. Did you bring the jar of hot glue?
I just want to say not to make a crass joke, but I do think that 9-11 would be a little cuter if it was done by a class of sixth grade Catholic school children. Oh, you mean all worth a little uniform? If it was you and your buddies, Alex, sure. 9-11 babies with a C. Put it on Quora for us. All right.
Should we ask Quora? What do we want to do? Do you want to read more of these? Look for 9-11 babies on Apple TV in six months.
Everyone says that you would go to to prison. You would go to prison because because you loved to commit the crime.
Our question, our question, Jordan, do you have any questions you want to ask Quora and see if they'll have answers for us? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, let me I mean, how about this? Like, you know, what do you want to see out of a core TV show? Let's use this as a focus group. Yeah, let's like meet back here in a couple of weeks for like another brainstorming session. Let's kind of use some of this info. And yeah, let's hear from this guy again. Put this out and test us.
It's in my calendar right now. Meet back. Check the Quora answers. I'm going to do it. Yeah, of course.
And if I like get really busy, we'll reschedule. Guys, seriously, call my assistant if I don't get back to you. I really want to make sure this works out.
I mean, the holidays are kind of crazy. So it might be summer of next year, but like it's unrealistic to expect emails to come back from November to January.
But after that. All right. So get that a go and type that up.
That's going to be your question for the week. Meanwhile, this has been Quorators Jordan. Thank you again for coming. What would you like to tell our lovely listeners about this week?
Oh, my gosh. Thank you for having me. So fun. Love the show. It's hilarious. You all are great.
Hey, if you're listening to this and you think you might like to read an upcoming graphic novel written by me and illustrated by the great Bowen McGurdy. We've got one coming out next year.
It is called Youth Group. It touches upon some of the themes we've talked about today. It is a YA horror comedy about a bunch of goofy teenage exorcists. There's laughs, there's spooks. There's a little bit of romance. And there's the power of friendship. Yeah, it was. It's super fun to do. It's called Youth Group. It is. Yeah.
Yeah, it's it's super cool. I'm excited for folks to check it out. Check out youth group book. We got the link in the comments and by comments. I mean, whatever the description of the thing you're viewing this on. Yeah, we'll put it in there. And that's where thrills are.
That's going to be us for another week. If you would like more of our show every Thursday, there's a whole nother episode where we go on other websites like tiktok dotcom, Reddit, Facebook, and that's on patreon dot com slash corridors. We'll see you there and we'll see you here next Monday. Bye, motherfuckers. |
cracked | what_it_s_really_like_working_for_an_internet_company_internet_content_cracked_throwback | First one's here, I guess. Great talking point, Lucy. I feel like we've really made a strong connection here today. Oh. Well, I guess we all have different definitions of connection, don't we? Although I am curious what it is about this specific interaction that you were being mean. I see.
We can't be the first ones here. I'm usually late to this, and I was late to this this time.
Flynn, where is anybody? Living in a fantasy world? I mean, yeah, sure, but like, tangibly though, where?
They were all fired. Wait, Bob, uh, what do you mean everybody's fired?
Good. This site has been suppressing my true voice for far too long. Well, your true voice is usually at least mildly racist, so... White pride is nothing to be ashamed of. We ended slavery.
Sick. I finally get to work on my book. Wow. I didn't know you can write. Oh, yo, check it. It's called Vlog Town, and it's a series of short stories told in images from my vlog about vlogging. It's a fluffy table book. I feel like you guys sort of sprinted right past the part where your boss said that everyone was fired. Ooh! I also haven't said anything for a while.
We've been bought by a company called Simple Works with an X. They're gonna take us and move us in a new sort of direction. An inovolutionary direction. They're gonna do that via interactive digital.
Did you? The interactive content modularity algorithms through disruptive collaboration of omni-platform convergence and multi-channel mobile emersions. Yeah, that. Uh-huh. What exactly does that mean? Collaboration of omni-platform convergence and multi-channel mobile emersions. Yes. What? Great question. Thank you. I would say that the takeaway here, how you'll explain this to your employees, in layman's terms, and this is very important... You also have your jobs. And you still have your house, money, reputation, and wife. What?
I was going to sue you for wrongful termination. And then steal his wife? I assume she'd come peacefully.
But Webicle has had hundreds of content creators. Why us?
Do you want the lie or the truth? The truth. The lie. Truth. Go team lie!
I pulled your names out of the hat. Okay, let's see. I guess I went through everyone's name in the company and I rolled a dice, right?
And if it was an even number, I put it into column A. Ah, they went into, let's call it column B. I did this with everyone and then I put all of the column B names into the garbage. Then I went through column A again and I flipped a coin this time. Heads, it went into column A prime. Tails, column B prime.
And then eventually the garbage. I did this all day until I arrived at you remaining few.
So it looks like Lady Luck is dancing for you. I don't know how she operates.
That's dumb. You should have just pulled names out of a hat. Something. Hi. You do realize that both the truth and the lie are equally insulting, right? That we all heard both. Yeah, of course. I'm not an idiot. Well, thanks, Bob.
It's nice to feel valued. You know, everyone has a different opinion of what constitutes a connection, but I like to say valued. There's a minimum number of heads required to run the site. I want to be clear. In the eyes of the company, you're not valuable.
Just technically essential for now. All right. Technically essential for now.
How are we supposed to keep the site running? Everyone's going to be taking on a few extra jobs, but comparable compensation increases are, oh, not planned.
I apologize for how optimistic my tone was at the beginning of that sentence. Dibs on IT are going to host us on my private servers, but I'm going to be in Belize for a while doing research on that new sex drug, so someone's got to watch my birds. I'll do it if I can cast your vote this election cycle. There's only ever one candidate, Dana, and their name is King American Corruption III. Also, I usually just write in nice try, so yeah, you can have it. Wait, wait, wait. You're just going to give your vote away?
I mean, don't you care about what-- My birds? Completely and truly, yes. Then I will take care of them for you, and you do not owe me anything. Well, if this gets into my home, please move my home on street sweeping day.
You live in a car full of birds? I live in the constructs of human perception. I sleep in a car full of birds.
Lucky. I know. Well, I haven't been listening. I'm going to leave now.
No, wait, wait. You're going to need this, okay? It goes to a bunker.
It's under a tree. The tree is behind where the sun is alone, but light cannot reach.
Where grass does not grow, but the combination is five, two, six, one. One, two, two, two, two, two.
We have servers and people to maintain them and people to run them. I didn't just keep on a bunch of bloggers. So, where the rest at?
It's Party Wednesday. At home with their families, as I will be 10 minutes from now. Party Wednesday is for children, of which I have six, which is your right.
Too many. But we've all got our things. So, keep it up. The work, your chins, all of it. I'm going to leave now. Do we have assignments?
Why? The slavering army of millennials that watch all your videos is the only way the site makes money.
You are valuable while still remaining technically essential for now. Your name was written down well before the hat ever came into the equation. Or the dice. Whatever I told you. I got you. It's a drift catcher.
Wait, so we're just supposed to, like, enjoy Party Wednesday now? I don't recall telling you to enjoy it.
But you can. You also have jobs, so celebrate. Or call one of the many people who lost their jobs today and trade with them.
My other is fine. It's really sad. Yes. It is. But, you know, it just goes to show you whatever lesson you learned from all this. I'm going to leave now. Yes. Hello to you all as well. This was a good talk. In Hawaii, that means hello and goodbye. Well, I can't tell if this is good or bad. Ping pong? Yeah.
Pool. We don't have pool. We should dig a pool.
Oh, man. I'm just going to put these in my bed.
Yo, Taylor Tots. Thanks for punching another Taylor Talk. I didn't get fired today.
Woo! So pumped. That means a lot of more informative videos just like this one coming at you. So let's, uh, eat some string cheese while ping pong happens in the background. Oh! How many views does that have? 870? No. A million. Woo! I fucked with some gourmet macaroons right now.
That is no jokes. Don't swear! Sorry.
A portion of your RSU grants have fastened. If the strike price accelerates. Ooh! Sounds fast! Or your previous. Does anybody know how many dividends in a tax thing? Uh, okay, it seems you're the stock. That's a stock thing. Ha ha! Right.
But I keep getting these emails.
I don't know if I'm supposed to do something. Nah. I mean, I don't know. Maybe. Probably! I didn't know whether to keep them or delete them, so I've been printing them out and throwing those away. It's intentionally vague and convoluted, right? It's like they don't actually want us to understand. Which makes me think that I probably should understand it. You know? Mmm. That has not been the way I've approached life.
I'm just worried that if I don't do the right thing, then they get my money. Wake up! They already have your money. Accountants are the highest paid profession. Why? Money magic!
Think any of that even exists? Carrots on a stick. RSU stands for real?
Sorry! Uh-uh. The promise of monetary incentive with no follow-through doesn't exist. He's breathing! Quick! Someone interject! You don't think our stock is real? No! Don't ask him questions!
Arbitrary points and badges, my friend. Designed to keep you addicted to competition against your fellow gammas. No more tangible than the air we breathe. Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. So give me yours.
No! He's not!
Air is tangible, though. Like made up of elements and molecules.
Looks like the strike price is 950 a share today. I'll give you 25% of the strike price on your options in real, tangible money in exchange for all of your arbitrary shares. Pretty sure that's not how buying stock works. You don't know how stock works.
She makes a good point. You can have it all. Deal! But show me the money. What's that from? Negotiations throughout history.
Stop! I'll buy those shares at 50%. Sorry. We already have a verbal contract. Oh, no. Not from him. From you. I'll buy his shares from you at 50%. You'll double your money in seconds. 60%. Absolutely not. Check okay?
This is. We're not even in a trading window. For one thing. Whatever the heck that is.
Checks aren't real either. They're just pieces of paper.
With an autograph and a number. Any number you want to write.
Right! No. I mean.
We don't even know how much stock he has. He probably doesn't even know.
This is essentially Storage Wars with a stock portfolio. I'd watch that show. Or host it. Stock Wars. The Empire Strike Price. The Dana Story. It's already a show. It's called Congress. Wake. Just bring up a good point, Vic.
How many of your RSU's invested and how many options in your portfolio? I don't know.
How many angels you got in your box of magic beans? Zero if the box is full of beans. An angel even fit in a box made for beans?
Oh my God. Nobody knows how much stock they have. This is exciting!
Okay.
I got swept up. Sold! You were closest without going over.
If you have that much. Do you? Check okay? Will it bounce? I don't have a checkbook. Vic, are those good vibes still on the table? I have a checkbook. I could give you a loan, Lucy. But I'm going to need 14 points on the VIG. Subprime?
Look at her. She's an internet writer who lives in her sister's wall. It's a Murphy bed.
Of course it's subprime. Bundle it with those stocks. I will buy that loan. Deal. Transfer to the Bank of Bob. Oh, the B-L-B.
No! No, I don't want your stupid loan. None of this is real. It's all dumb. Preach. No, not you. You're the most wrong still somehow. You guys don't even know how to move these shares.
Any of you. Vic will give me his login and I'll set it up for him. Tax free. People do it all the time. That's... Oh.
Vic, give me your login. My work email. Password temporary.
No capitals. Vic. On paper. My God. Bear anyone down. I don't even know where I am.
It's showing me the potential value of my unvested shares in 2066. Stuck his tax form from last year. I'm playing Minesweeper with Vic's login. Are you claiming 14 dependents?
It's Vic. Vic's smashing my sandwich. I've just taken a nice bite. Throwing it away.
You're gonna... Oh, you're gonna pour my water is going to go right on top.
Just totally unsavable. Didn't even want to keep that bite in, huh? What the F, man? I had to make sure it wasn't bugged.
You were followed, were you? Yeah, by you, apparently. Why? You're the only one I can trust. Really? Oh, you're the only one I can manipulate.
There it is. Regardless, there's been some chatter.
Why are you barefoot? Better traction. My soles are so rough, I could walk straight up your body, scale ya, with my scaly nose.
What do you want, Vic? Have you heard of Elga? The neighborhood in San Diego?
It's Espanol for the box. It's Spanish for the drawer.
It's the cubicle songs that would be written about in cubicles inspired songs. And thanks to layoffs, it's available again.
But Bob has pawned this off on me, so I'm supposed to decide who gets the desk, and the pressure is unbearable, okay? I mean, people are eyeballing me hard. This is so easy. Just give it to me. No, no. I'm confiding in you, because you're not eligible, okay? You're on set all the time. The person who gets El Cajon has to be in office. Sure, but I want it. Yeah, everybody does. This is the thing.
Who cares? How dare you? Child slaves mind the cobalt in your phone battery. I mean, obviously I care about that, but I don't see the connection.
Expient your guilt by helping me. I'm gonna go register our interest with Sasha, okay? You show up a few minutes later to make it seem natural, and if she gives us any guff, we'll eyeball the sucker. There. No, I will come a few nothings never, because I absolutely will not be there. Well, I'm glad you're on board. Please. So you do have a phone.
What about the child laborers? These cloth grocery bags? Cancels it out.
Hey, Gina, what's up? Yeah, how you doing, girl?
El Cajon, eh? Interacon. Hey, Gina. Lucy. How much have you heard? El Cajon, eh? Interacon. But my sentence is mostly gibberish, and yes, I easily inferred your meaning, but I'm not gonna do anything with the information, so no need to freak out. Shh! For your co-operacon. Okay.
We know about the bots. Uh, bots?
Well, like, from Lost, because, like, that was, honestly, that was more of a hatch, and that show was on, like, years ago, so it's, like, really, it's, like, why are you bringing it up now? That's super weird right now. Don't do that. Don't play dumb with me! If anything, Lost is more relevant now than it's ever been, and I'm talking about El Cajon.
You mean the drawer? Wait, is there, is there, like, a fancy new drawer available, too? Is it, like, a, like, an Indian in the cupboard situation?
No! I'm talking about the cubicle. Damn it!
I've got a lot of questions for this guy. I found him in that murder scene.
What?
How did you find out about the cubicle?
Taylor Periscope's all of his conversation. Taylor!
Okay. Well, if you tuned into our most recent conversation, you would know that you are not eligible, you are not in office enough. Aha! I already thought of that. Lucy and I are going to split it.
She's in the office every day. You can't survive direct sunlight. It's the obvious choice. Besides, you know I have the worst desk area here. It's unlivable. That is because you have a family of Syrian refugees staying at your desk.
As is my moral duty! Anyway, once Bob goes on his post-lunch jog, Lucy and I will already be moving into our shared desk space. And then it'll be a done deal.
Squad. Did you know that Bob just changes into his jogging outfit and then sits in his car eating protein bars alone? What? Yeah.
How does he get so sweaty? I think it's the protein bars. Does that make you sweaty? I mean, he eats a lot of them, so I don't know.
Oh, hello! What was that all about? Oh, standard intensity.
Because it better not have been about El Cajon. El what? The cake? The what? El Cajon. The testicle? Singular of cajones? I don't think that's what that means.
Because the best cubicle in the office should go to the one most deserving. One accustomed to luxury. One who merits such a fine testicle.
Okay, you're making me very uncomfortable. Listen, pal. You can't let Vic push you around like this. You can't go through life acquiescing to everyone.
Say okay. Okay. Okay, great.
You'll betray Vic and back my play with Bob. No. You said okay, that's a verbal contract. If you back out now, I will sue your ass. Right, Vic.
I never felt more alive. Just adrenaline just like coursing through my body.
You're lucky. I need an ID and a popper to get those glands to open. I know. Some people would say not to push our luck. So recently following massive layoffs. But I have a good feeling about this.
I will arrange our trash skis. If you see Bob, you just tell him that we misunderstood. We've already moved in.
And too bad, no vaccines.
Bingo. Now make sure to put my bullets next to my fertility statue with the odd genitals. Okay, they're a set.
And put this in the drawer. I'm not gonna do any of that. Oh, call's in the drawer.
See? Going somewhat somewhere. Dammit. Too late.
Politi-fascist. I got a comrade on the inside. You're not the only one, mustard stain.
What? Where? Everywhere. On all the clothes you wear, it's honestly insane.
Yeah, that all sounds fine. I'll have facilities take care of it. I'm gonna go grab a crisp six.
Miles, not protein bars. That would be whole box, which would be ridiculous. Who would eat a whole box?
Ah, my little bird. My very own workplace verus is the foul deed done, you beautiful eunuch you. Sasha. Soul us out. No, no. You didn't? I knew I couldn't trust you. Took it all for yourself, didn't you, you filthy eunuch you.
No. Lucy! There's handcuffs in the box. Latch yourself to the desk. No! Listen!
Okay? I knew there was no way to equally divvy up El Cajon. Okay?
So, I made it into our chill zone, our new chill zone. The facilities is even gonna put a beanbag chair in there. So, we're all just gonna be a bunch of pals sharing.
Is there a key to these cuffs? Sasha, you know what El Cajon is Spanish for? Um, there are several translations.
Yeah, there are. There's the box. Uh-huh. The drawer. Yeah. Coughing out.
That's it.
That was self-defense, I saw it. He was standing his ground.
Hey, everybody, how's it going? Nah. Just toppled right on over. We going, bringing it down? Bringing it down party in here, guys. This is nice. All the way down, she says. All right. No. This is fun. Help me. Oh, there you are. You're responding to my DMVM tweets, Oculus Rift posts, or Instagram tags. You basically ruined the shoot. I'm dying. It's true, sir. She is. It's rude. I know what my next TikTok's gonna be about.
Friends, you can't count on. Ow, my wounds. Count. Counts.
Maybe Dracula's. I haven't decided yet. You're dead to me, by the way. Peace. I might be dead to everyone. Not yet. But, like, soon.
Is everything okay? Really great. Okay.
Working hard, then? The hardest. Not as hard as me, though. Rock hard about this work.
Good. Continue. Continue that. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Oh!
Does anybody have any more health serums? You mean the serums I worked hard for and brewed myself? Yes, many. Can I have one? Just a sera? That depends. It's this game called Legends of Battle Demon Age, or Welfare of Serum from Sasha the Dana Story. Sasha, you can have one of mine.
Technically, it's a tonic butt. White Knight to the rescue. Lucy, I thought you were playing a great dwarfling there miserly.
We're on the same team. Sasha, you can just pay me back the value and gold plus 12% now. Let's get going before these clanners! Damn! Push us! Hey, so while you all said that you were working at varying degrees of hardness earlier, that's objectively never been true, so what are you actually working on?
Working on playing drugs. Doing drugs. For a piece. On dealing drugs. Which drugs?
Pills. Good. Pills are trending now.
Taylor, what about you? I'm vlogging. Yes, your job description is almost entirely to vlog, but what is it on? It's like a combination Tay Talk, Grant's rave haul video about my videos. Great. People will eat that shit right up. Hey, people want to watch you watching videos of yourself.
That's no judgment from me. At least no externalized judgment from me.
How social? A lot of interaction with enemy clanners. A lot of interaction.
Good. Lucy, what about you? Lion King. Pulp Fiction. If those words hope to be a sentence one day, they're going to need some help. Articles, verbs, so on. How Lion King and Pulp Fiction are problematic. Things are problematic. True. Freddie? Gangem are fun with friends. That's probably true.
How about you, Dana? Are you working on anything in particular? Bob, are you questioning my integrity?
Last I checked, we live in a country called the United States of America, and in that country there is something called the Bill of Rights. Fine. Good. Yes, stop it.
Keep up the good work. I don't know why I ever doubted you. I mean, I do, and I was justified in doing so, but that said, end of sentence. I'm at the base. I've had some sentries, they're dead now. Come on, let's do this, let's go. Wait, no, I'm almost healed up.
Dana, can you give me some of those serums you've been handing out, Willy and Ellie? Lucy, give Freddie your hard-earned serums.
This game is kind of problematic. Alright, calm down. If you are not at the base in the next five seconds, you are left behind. Okay, five, four, three, two, one, let's do this, let's go. We have to get those enemy planners away from our fucking base.
The content up on the site in loads by loading at Taylor House. How's that video coming? Hey, thanks for watching that awesome thing. Like and subscribe for more examples of what you just watched.
The truly insidious thing about Simba shaming is John...
Stop it. Just stop.
I have nothing to hide.
This game is amazing. You're never going to reach their barricade without an explosion near level six or higher. Oh my god, he's right. That twist was amazing. It's a very simple game, guys.
You know, I'm actually pretty into this fake article I'm writing. Bob, do you want to hop in, play around for me? I would, but I actually have to hire a new staff that will do their jobs instead of comically lie to me. So, no. I didn't lie. I'm on doing pills.
Then, where's your piece? Aha.
See, we are all doing legitimate pop cultural research into the zeitgeist. You can't fire us for that. It's an outrage. We live in a country called the United State of America. Okay, everyone knows where everyone lives.
Fine. Just do work. Do real work. Please. Hey, Taytots.
Today I'm going to teach you about how to sneak video games at work and what to do if you get caught. Hint. Vlog about it. Taylor gets it. So, this might actually be pretty good. It is good.
You're all wondering, why'd I call this meeting? I actually called this meeting.
It's about the water in our building. It's tainted with... My thing's more urgent, though. It's not one thing that kills us. It's another.
The meeting is yours. All right. I will... Well, I'll try to be brief.
First, there was nothing. Skip ahead. Are there any questions? Skip behind.
I have a plan to revolutionize this office. Probably fine. But it's going to take us all pulling together for a common cause for the first time ever. What? I can't believe that we've never worked together as a team. The next step in the team building exercise, once you are fully tied... Okay, this isn't mandatory, but it is highly recommended that we take the trust thread and we pass it to the person who trusts the lid.
Where did that chair come from? How long since the drill started? Eight bubble slams ago.
I can see them in there. They just put on noise canceling headphones. Yeah.
Hello! Hi! Boom!
Nine, nine, nine bubble slams. Nine bubble slams.
Help me. Unsubscribe. Sorry. Good cardigan. You should move your box. Obviously. No, it's no use, no use.
Why'd you put the candle on the table? You wanted to. Why'd you tell this guy you'd do a dreidel? You wanted to. Why'd I make it so I used my dreidel? You wanted to.
Thank you. Aside from the fact that we are a business and we should be working together, there is actually a very real human spiritual cost to societal alienation. Which is why we need this now more than ever.
Let me ask you this. At the end of the day, what does everybody deep down in their balls and oves really want? What do you mean?
Legalize it. All of it. My oves want a more sensitive and comfortable working environment where we don't talk about sex, organs, or illegal substances. Slow down video of Sasha flossing.
Maybe a car accident that paralyzes but doesn't kill me. It wasn't my fault. That's the important thing.
A cop hit me. A drunk cop.
Big surprise. Let no one can get mad at me if I don't work out or play with my kids or have a job because, hey, my arms and legs don't work. Maybe work on your excuse, buddy. No. None of those. You morons. Opportunity.
Freddy, did you call a meeting to pitch us opportunity as a concept and then call us morons? I called this meeting to change your life. That's what cult leaders say. I'm in. I actually called this meeting. Hashtag fear of meetings is now trending on four different social platforms. I did that. Wrap this up in three minutes or I'll have my army of tailor tots doxx every single person in this room, which is where they send you so many pictures of doxx and puppies that your computer crashes.
That is very cute. Mal-true. Listen! We have an opportunity, people. An opportunity to hire an intern. Oh. What? Where did you hear that?
Been casually intercepting your emails as a hobby? I assumed you knew that. Bob, you are always on your phone. What are you doing if you're not reading work emails? I don't think my phone gets emails.
I vote the intern is my assistant. I vote she's my assistant.
Could be a boy. Oh. Protege, then.
I could use someone to help me manage my calendar. Fuck your calendar. I need the intern to help with my finances. That's not even work-related. I need it.
I have six bored, aimless daughters.
Do you have any idea how expensive college is going to be for me? Scholarships or something.
They're pretty stupid. My six daughters are deeply stupid. Can we forget about your idiot daughters for a second?
Even Evelyn? She's here right now. Especially Evelyn. Everyone. Look.
This is exactly why I called the meeting. Nested within the meeting that Bob called. Meetingception, blah. Meeting ducking. Meetings within meetings. So, instead of a turkey mixed with a duck and a chicken, it's a meeting mixed with a duck and a chicken?
Mouth truth. Okay. The point is, if we all try to get the intern, then we're going to fight and argue and riff so much that we won't get the position approved and then nobody gets him. Or her. Deal breaker. It has to be him. She needs a man. Do you see how fast we're off the rails already? Okay.
We need to focus, pull together, and write a job description that encompasses all the worst parts of our jobs. We will design a position that handles scheduling, expense reports, coffee runs, all the parts of my job that I don't like to do, and, bonus, Bob, you're going to like this.
Whatever Bob's thing from earlier was. About the water, I think. About the taps. Yeah. That's right, buddy.
The intern will do it all. We have a chance to build our own work dumpster. Oh, work dumpster can post needs to Snapchat. Work dumpster could screen all my interview subjects, weed out all the weirdos. Send them all to me. Worky worky dump dump will do it all as long as we make them.
Together. Without paying them. Together.
Applause break. And thus concludes my presentation. Any questions, comments, award nominations?
Too late. The position's been filled. Yeah, I hired my buddy Zane. He's not really an internet guy, but he can grind a 12-star handrail. Or at least he wants to. Anyway, he starts tomorrow. I'll be honest, I checked out of this meeting when you said we could hire an intern, and then I went and hired an intern, since I'm the only one here who seems to make any money.
Oh, snap, was that bad? Hey, little bunny head. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Hillsong_Officialised_Dutton_Gets_Prepared_Praise_For_Mummy_Gladys_More_August_6 | you're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin we've basically got three cities in lockdown right now things aren't changing in the covid front lockdowns in Melbourne Sydney and of course Brisbane our closest capital things are pretty grim 100 regions locked down as well it's looking like we're gonna have to vax our way out of this and funnily enough this sorry state of affairs we're in is not even the biggest news in the country we've got plenty going on political sport and the like you're joined by myself Clancy Overall editor of the Batutah Advocate and I'm joined of course by Errol Parker editor at large how are you Errol? I'm all right mate but you don't actually believe in this vaccine shit do you? I mean you should really you know take a hard look at the facts and then maybe like maybe you'll be able to come to the same conclusions that I have but anyway yeah yeah yeah no um I can understand how you got to that point Errol there has been some uh nightmarish public messaging from our government over the last six months uh but that doesn't change the fact that uh the people that have spent years sometimes decades studying this exact science and uh have come to the conclusion that uh vaccinations uh inoculations immunizations are actually the greatest feat in medical history yeah I guess that can get muddied by Scotty from marketing's constant Who's paying them though?
Who's paying these doctors? Who's paying this research?
Underfunded uh science laboratories uh usually in regional towns how are you Wendell our news reader the uh the millennial on the team how are you? Yeah very good enjoying another week of freedom can't really complain I hope that uh all this COVID stuff stays over on the eastern seaboard but I'm assuming uh we won't be having a mandatory vaccination policy at the Batura Advocate offices then if that's Errol's position on this thing? Well look um well like look no no no no see no I'm not getting the shit that they're trying to put in us I'm holding out for the Sputnik. Okay yeah look um I'll have a Sinovac's mate I was born in Hong Kong I'll fucking take that shit yeah look I thought we had heaps of the Sputnik out in Batura already that's what they say Australians aren't necessarily vaccine reluctant or hesitant we're more vaccine choosy uh we're window shopping vaccines out here and I don't think we'll be able to bring in the mandatory testing for our newsroom because this town is a very fucking litigious town I've been sued for a whole number of things and I reckon that could just be another fucking notch on my belt so I'm just going to either tell them to work from home or I'll fucking I don't know I don't know what I'm going to do.
They have got you they've got you a couple of times Clancy so I reckon we'll move on from that and we'll get into this news wrap we will start off with one of the biggest stories that rounded out the news week and Hillsong has become an official religion after the Prime Minister's pastor gets charged with hiding child sex crimes. Yes finally the Pentecostal mega church that is Hillsong is in the big leagues after years of trying to be well and truly considered one of the real ones one of the the big boys trying to join the uh I guess you'd say more established Christian faiths they've finally made the cut after charges were leveled against their founder Brian Houston for concealing child sexual abuse while it's obviously an awful revelation it's believed the high-ranking pastors and corporate executives at Hillsong are secretly cheering that they can now be considered a real religion and while the prime minister's close personal friend and pastor enjoys a suspiciously timed trip out of the country we're all waiting to hear whispers that Houston may be offered a job as the leader of the house of representatives although Christian Porter is currently in charge there's rumors that Morrison may give him the flick as his friend Brian is interested in taking up the government's agenda in parliament house well if that story doesn't get us sued then nothing will. What else have we got Wendell? Well that previous story has had a flow-on effect Peter Dutton is going to spend his 14 days in isolation practicing his smile in the mirror ahead of the spring lib spill yeah defence minister Peter Dutton and house of reps leader Peter Dutton has been forced into a 14-day isolation after being exposed to the pangolins wrath once again he doesn't have it this time but he is isolating as a result of his kids being caught up in the contacts in the Brisbane cluster now while it's not ideal that he's in isolation during this national crisis he's promised to spend his time wisely that's right rather than spend the two weeks lying on top of his bed until the virus goes away mr Dutton said he's going to spend the time working on his own personal projects with a bit of chatter about leadership spills getting around the next man up has apparently been spending an hour every morning standing in front of the mirror practicing getting his pearly whites out and he's also apparently been working on how to say hello my name's peter we are going to move along quickly to a story down in sydney and an elite private schoolboy has thanked mummy Gladys for giving him some dumb country bogan's jab this week and just in case there was any confusion about what type of school this kid goes to in western sydney michael patches i poorly said to us at the beginning of our interview he said make sure to refer to me as an elite private school boy this ain't no catholic school this is the real deal yes and that's why he needs his jab because he's a future leader and a future mover and shaker patches i poorly explained that with his exams coming up it makes sense that the jabs are taken away from rural areas and given to him and his year group so they can get on with preparing to take the reins from their mum and dads finishing the interview he said besides i don't know what like all those people in those shitholes are so worried about there's more on the way like relax you dumb country bogan like it doesn't actually matter if you die from this thing because like you probably do nothing except sit around in your lowes tracksuit all day between trips to the kfc drive-through while smoking overpriced cigarettes and drinking fucking flavored milk certainly does sound like a future leader there we had a comment on that story from rob hasguard who said as a dumb country bogan from tamworth this hurts however you can take our jabs but you'll never take our subpar understaffed under-resourced hospital system some olympic news now and one of the larger stories from tokyo this week was peter bowl lighting it up in the 800 meter final on wednesday night he didn't get the result he wanted but as the story we ran pointed out you're still the fourth fastest bloke over 800 meters in the world peter yeah there's been plenty of inspirational efforts from athletes over the course of the last couple weeks peter bowl was one of those competitors and of course pete didn't want to finish fourth but given the other cowards in the race made him lead the whole way it was a sensational effort from the young perth bloke to secure himself a copper medal that's the way these guys are built and driven isn't it i mean most of them are appreciative of their results but gold is usually the goal and that was a case for old spag bol who gave us a raw interview straight after the race and that kind of made the nation love him even more but as has been pointed out fourth in the world is still sensational given most people couldn't even run 800 meters in one go even if they needed to unless the missus has asked me to do the washing up am i right fellas piss that's about the only time i all right we'll round it out with one last olympic story and oh cute channel seven thinks people are going to keep watching after the olympics yeah with all the grace of a drop chicken nugget australian tv broadcaster channel seven has insisted on reminding viewers there will still be loads of good tv airing on their station after the olympics which is a pointless exercise because for the majority of people seven plus is definitely getting deleted the minute they turn the lights off on the closing ceremony yeah and as one local woman told us tiffany uh she said it's kind of cute that they actually think i'm gonna keep watching home and away or the voice all that sas propaganda bullshit but yeah it's uh it's not happening that's all we have from us this week on the matoota advocates radio show thank you for joining us for the weekly bulletin yep seven plus certainly is getting uninstalled in a couple days time and uh congratulations to all of our olympians and all of our politicians who despite the public scrutiny still manage to get paid between two to five hundred thousand dollars a year of our dollars righto that'll do us see ya see ya |
dropout | 2012_orgy | It is a prophecy foretold across thousands of years, warning us of a looming Armageddon. December 21st, 2012. Soon, the Mayan calendar will end its 5,000 year cycle as our sun aligns with the Milky Way, bringing violent solar radiation and unprecedented heat waves. Ages ago, the Maya prepared for the end with a shocking massive orgy. Centuries later, Nostradamus had new visions of the 2012 doomsday.
Coincidence? Then how does one explain how Mayan elders convinced 500 bare-chested young handmaidens to join their orgy?
What new disasters are in store for mankind?
Only one thing is certain.
The time has come for another orgy. Like the Mayans, mankind must meet in a motel or basement and screw. Just go berserk on each other. Specifically, we must throw an orgy. I cannot stress this enough. Such an orgy would need an oracle to lead. As a Chief 2012 Scholar with a furnished basement and three orgies worth of experience, I'm willing to fulfill everyone's kinkiest orgy desires. In fact, the kinkier the better.
And the world's ending, so husbands could sleep with their wives' yoga instructors. Like Judy Blumenfall from 3rd Street Spa.
Oh Christ, if you even imagine. Also, no condoms.
It's an orgy thing. Could such an orgy actually happen?
The answer is yes.
Specifically, two weeks from Saturday at my place, 1313 San Rodeo Drive. Two blocks from the Dunkin' Donuts.
We're meeting Judy and her boyfriend for dinner.
Right.
Honey, what are your plans two weeks from Saturday? I need you out of the house.
Only one thing is certain.
The time has come for another orgy. Like the Mayans, mankind must meet in a motel or basement and screw. Just go berserk on each other. Specifically, we must throw an orgy. I cannot stress this enough. Such an orgy would need an oracle to lead. As a Chief 2012 Scholar with a furnished basement and three orgies worth of experience, I'm willing to fulfill everyone's kinkiest orgy desires. In fact, the kinkier the better.
And the world's ending, so husbands could sleep with their wives' yoga instructors. Like Judy Blumenfall from 3rd Street Spa.
Oh Christ, can you even imagine?
Also, no condoms.
It's an orgy thing. Could such an orgy actually happen?
The answer is yes.
Specifically, two weeks from Saturday at my place, 1313 San Rodeo Drive. Two blocks from the Dunkin' Donuts.
We're meeting Judy and her boyfriend for dinner.
Right.
Honey, what are your plans two weeks from Saturday? I need you out of the house. |
cracked | 4_things_dancing_can_tell_you_about_sex_today_s_topic | or a land party no said you want to go dancing or a land party you part though being there I can feel pain you know like human being oh buddy don't you're great here I love the part where you're here and we get to talk about like random bullshit but I don't want to go dancing with you there because there dancing is just a clumsy excuse to grind up on each other and see how compatible our genitals are I'm not ready to gauge genital compatibility with you or genetic diversity compatibility you can actually tell a lot about how compatible you are by tasting spit that's why we kiss we don't kiss humanity collective we know you collect spit that's gross no I never want to date you ever but you did before never I'm saying that if you taste my spit you can analyze how diverse our immune systems are and that's one way your body determines who you're attracted to so does hearing and analyzing a sentence like that don't forget my smell I never do watch stay down dancing is time honored Kings danced presidents dance dancing is classy please even in pantaloon times dancing was just sex with clothes on it was basically just an excuse to show up and like figure out who you're gonna go home and bone no or like show your ankles to or whatever they did it was a way to pass the time before you died young of plague there's nothing sexual about a woman a giant whalebone corset passing you off to the next person every seventh beat yeah there was to them they just had more puritanical views on sex and stank to high heaven so instead of gauging how low their bedonk could drop they were 17 layers of clothes and made a really complicated dance moves to prove that they were intelligent enough to memorize complicated dance moves and thus the delicate mating cycle was preserved I'm pretty sure all those people already knew who they're gonna marry like age that's my point you dummy society was more proper and structured dances were complicated and it mattered that you knew how to do that but now we figured out like baths and stuff so dancing has become more efficient and close-quarters it's more like yo do you want to meet up in a dark bar and like simulate sex and figure out if we want to go home and copy and paste that behavior to your bed and or my car yes no that's not you asked me and I said yes what that was and you know it well they actually had time to learn all those dance moves back then because life sucked to them dancing was like TV filled with heroin we bump and grind now because who has the time to spend an hour and a half a night trying to learn how to do the box step is the easiest step to learn I know how to do the box step but my point is dancing today isn't just like unromantic yes it's sexualized but there's a courtship component to it we're just bad at it we don't have time we've got land parties to get to so culturally how complicated your dance moves are is inversely proportional to how advanced your system of meeting has become I didn't sign up to write a paper with you I wanted to do penis and vagina stuff that's really interesting and I am going to purposely ignore your statement have you heard about how all these gay bar owners are saying that the scene is basically dying because there's this new app where dudes can like figure out where the other dudes are who want to hook up have you heard that have you heard that I haven't heard that doesn't matter I'm on the pulse basically instead of dancing and talking gay bars have become this like silent hive of dudes texting and flirting and then going home in couples what so like the hottest new dance craze now is just like this no no no no no dancing I said no dancing okay and whatever it is that you're doing I'm just stretching right now for my land party obscene hi my name is Dan I don't have great fashion sense and I have a dog that I love you may have seen some of my jeans and AOC they're all torn to shreds and I should buy some new jeans because a human being would know that you shouldn't wear pants and have shredded holes all over them Dan O'Brien |
TheOnion | autopsy_of_a_scene_paul_feig_points_out_how_many_ghosts_are_in_this_scene_from_the_heat | Hi, I'm Paul Feig. I'm the director of The Heat, and you are watching Autopsy of a Scene. Okay, this is one of my favorite scenes in the movie. Sandra Bullock is meeting Melissa McCarthy's family for the first time, and we captured 10 ghosts on film when we were doing this. Okay, I really love Sandra's body language in this scene. It gives you a feeling of how, you know, her character feels out of place and, you know, the way she feels.
Oh, look, a ghost. Did you see it? It was right there.
Like all my films, this one is a ghost story. I'm always surprised when people thought Bridesmaids was a comedy. I just thought it was terrifying with all those ghosts ruining that wedding. I'm just glad people liked it, I guess.
Ghost! Fuck! A ghost! Wow!
That ghost was extra spooky. We lost three P.A.s on this shoot, all from ghost madness. It was their fault, though. I told them not to make eye contact. God, ghosts, ghouls, ghastly goblins. That's really why I got into this business. Ah, yes, see, now Sandra's running away. It wasn't scripted. I think a ghost spooked her. But we can't run away from ghosts, I mean, because they can fly and pass through windows and walls.
So go see The Heat, laugh, or whatever. Get it over with. I mean, I really only just make these dumb comedy movies to fund my ghost research. So give me your money so I can catch all these ghosts before it's too late, okay? Thank you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Shannon_Noll_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_129 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooda Advocate radio show, recording live here in the Budgie Smuggler booth in downtown Batooda in the old city district and today is a momentous occasion for The Batooda Advocate radio show and for the newsroom downstairs. We have a visitor that we're all excited about having in the building, someone we've been chasing for quite some time and we're just, we're lucky now in COVID everyone's kind of travel patterns and in fact everyone's kind of work life balance is a bit off and so we were lucky enough to have this bloke coming through town. That is great excitement. You're of course joined by myself Clancy Overall, editor of The Batooda Advocate and editor at large Errol Parker. How are you Errol? Good to be here mate.
Still running outside. Yep, still running, it's a bit wet and luckily for today's guest there's a pub down the road that we can all go and pull into afterwards and find a little port in the storm if you will.
A lot of the locals will be very stoked about him being here. Thank you for joining us Shannon Knoll. Thanks boys, it's great to be here. You're back on the road. I mean obviously this pandemic has been crushing for a lot of live performers but you know like everything, like Jurassic Park, life will find a way. I'm glad, I'm glad it has mate. Things are starting to open up again you know.
It's obviously very touch and go with the numbers side of things you know. It's very hard, you know it's hard enough for venues to make money out of it anyway let alone 25% you know capacity so you know we can just hope that it moves quickly through the stages I suppose and we can finally get some decent numbers in there. The big question for me is the social distancing, that sort of seems like the new norm so we're all fucked if that's the case. Sitting down listening to Knollsy. We could have got 600 in here but we can only get 60s. But anyway hopefully you know just to be out and play again mate I did dial on the weekend which was fantastic so it was really good to get back on stage again.
Now Shannon as a farm boy from central New South Wales, how does this drought now that's affecting the music industry compare to the Millennium Drought? Mate I'll tell you very similar, that's for sure. I can't believe that I can comment on both ends if you know what I mean. Straight off the farm out of a drought and then this happens but you know I mean obviously there's no comparison mate I mean theirs was the worst drought in 100 years and I suppose people in that situation have a capability of preparing to whatever degree they possibly can in some way by storing hay or something like that you know but this what we're going through was pretty hard to prepare for obviously because it just came out of the blue but yeah I think farm folk mate are hardened to this sort of thing and it happens on a regular basis I think you're mad if you're going into farming thinking you're never going to be affected by a drought.
It's not real estate. No that's right. You're not selling apartments in Sydney mate. That's right.
So you know hopefully the countryside looks great now you know especially with rain outside and that at the moment it's great to see you know I love seeing rain I think it sort of always annoyed me a little bit when I'm in Sydney people going oh it's bloody rain I'm going to go I love the rain you know especially being on a farm it's sort of rain means life and and rain means a future so you know. So are your brothers still out there? My one brother is yeah one's the other one's living up in on a little block in casino just out of casino so yeah. The sweet country. Yeah so I was looking at the swan there a little bit back into Queensland bit by bit I suppose. All the towns are growing. Yeah yeah. I remember seeing the Knoll brothers Gibbymaster crowbar 1am I've got friends in low places that was they're still playing music? Yeah we are the boys asked Damon still riding he's still playing drums for me a little bit he plays drums in the weekend and Ed's still playing but his wife is immune deficient so they've had to be pretty careful the last sort of you know six to eight months with what's going on so they've sort of been a little bit locked up and locked away on the farm which is which is for her safety of course and which has been been really beneficial for them you know sort of kept keeping away from it but when we get together we always try and pull out a guitar and that oh and that's what we always did I remember when we were young we'd walk down the street in the cross coming down to watch a cricket or something and we'd give a busk of 20 bucks you know because it only used to five cents or whatever a dollar or two dollars whatever so 20 bucks they'd jump at it you know and then we'd start playing a few songs together and a few harmonies and that and people started gathering around then whatever money we made we'd give to the guy the busker so we always used to do that sort of thing that that was a real beauty and the reason why we played just for the simple enjoyment of it so you know back home the pubs would shut at 12 and we'd be back at my brother's house before I have asked or something just jamming away so um that's always there's always a bit of music involving to get together it's always great to have a little quiet one down you know yeah back at home with a guitar just just really to before bed yeah exactly right yeah hundred percent yeah half an hour or so yeah that's right I remember one time I think we were in Narrabri and uh one particular brother just he just kept pulling songs out I reckon he played for six hours oh and going like man he's been doing some practice listening to the repertoire and he's going from Kenny Rogers to buddy John Williamson anyone else it was really they start bouncing around then it's like oh we'll go from Kenny Rogers bit of dolly rage against the machine tell us a little bit there about condo the town because one thing I find funny about that part of new south wales is it kind of is where the unofficial kind of uh Aussie rules line yeah yeah begins yeah it is yeah yeah so south of there is the riverina television is where we actually grew up uh about 75 k's to uh to condo and it's considered northern riverina uh where talibajir was with 50 k's from all the dinner has come from so you know there's their afl royalty and and um then you go into condo and it's the it's the bottom of the central west so that's where you get uh then you go into you know dubba and parks and all that sort of stuff for you which is real pretty uh died in the wall league territory so you know we grew up out there playing rules and said he's leading on sunday you know couldn't walk till wednesday but but uh it was great times you know our first christina's aussie rules on saturday nine ratings on sunday and we just had a blast it was just everything it was about footy and we did a lot of k's though you know we were playing against nirandra and leighton in in the rugby league and then uh kobar and that in the in the aussie rules so we did a fair bit a fair bit of that is a nudge yeah and and it was a bit of talent in the family yeah yeah my brother played teal cup for new south wales and and the other one uh first grade here in sydney for playing cricket yeah we related to the uh steven mark wall so it was sort of cricket's pretty solid in our family and um yeah and and golf and everything i suppose growing up on on on the land in a small town like that you know sports everything you know you play whatever you can to fill in the gaps you know um in between going to the pub you know which uh something gets you out of the pub but it was always that's it's that social thing that's built around sport in small towns you know like i remember growing up playing night tennis you know and we're part of a night tennis team that as um you know we played different other teams or uh tuesday and thursday nights and stuff like that but it was just it was just great because you know i suppose before video games and all that sort of stuff you know we're just out um out playing sports so it was really good yeah it must have been a pretty quiet place kind of back in the mid-90s wasn't it yeah most definitely mate you know um when i you go back there most of the time you see everyone at the pub you know it's it's but and not you know it's not because everyone's winos running out there it's just it's just central place people go there for dinner and go and that's where you sort of you sort of run into everyone so it's just a good social social sort of place you know another i guess we had on recently jeff thompson oh yeah Australia's fastest bowl he'll his family from out there too condo yeah right yeah okay um yeah it must be a little bit of a i guess you'd say a little bit of a feeder feeder club yeah feeder town for australian sport yeah sure and i'm sure you've kind of gone over this journey many times uh speaking to the mainstream media but we're not the mainstream media so we'll get the fresh unabridged take from show and all beautiful about time thank god for that yeah yeah yeah we'll get into crazy crazy horse later you know this is season one australian idol yeah so australian idol kind of came into everyone's households yeah um with you already in it how did you stumble across this this thing that no one knew anything about at that point yeah it was really strange actually um we'd seen a couple of ads and a few people have said to me because we had a cover band cruising around by forbs from from forbs of bathys to down to waga and lake jelly gun all around that sort of area a few friends and plus family members and had said obviously have you seen this this talent show you know singing contest show and i said i've seen it and they said we think you should go on it i said well they don't specify where the auditions are like there was no all the ads were saying you know that it's coming but there was nowhere that you could and they definitely weren't you know you're going to turn up your forbs looking for auditions sort of things so the forbs the fort town hall just turn up at uh you know the parks are selling every right down the town yeah it just was pretty pretty much luck really i was um so i was on the radar i was sort of looking into it and then i was having to be down in melbourne for uh my wife was down there for dress fitting for a sister's wedding and i went down to uh to pick her my two little blokes up i uh my sister-in-law down there said obviously the ads you should go on it same sort of deal and i said i don't know where the auditions are so she just ran the computer i probably said done that in the first place uh but yeah and she said no one's telling me yeah yeah because i wasn't big on computers because back in the damn days on the farm i didn't need one but now of course they drive with tractors and you'd have to turn the landline off to get on yeah yeah that's right now but yeah so they happen to be in melbourne the following weekend so um i rang my brother who was the coach of the footy team and we'd fall for it twice and if you fall for three times you have to fold and my grandfather played for that club my dad played for that club my brothers and i did as well so i said to my brother i said oh you know them auditions because he'd also said to go on it um i said they're on here in melbourne next weekend but i've got to come out and play footy he said what he said i said because if you fall for it again we'll be kicked out of the comp and he said look i'm the captain i'm the coach he said don't worry about football just stay there and do that and as it was we only got 13 we needed 15 to feel the side so if i'd have gone home and only had 14 so we'd have folded anyway yeah right so it's not a sliding door the club was folding mate get out of town while you can exactly right yeah yeah so yeah and then uh so i got up at five o'clock in the morning went over and lined up with you know six thousand other people and and who was it that uh you reckon had a shine for you out of the out of the panel um i was pretty lucky actually because because um there was a hundred of us put through over two days and i think there was eight thousand people or something yeah uh auditioned them two days and we had to come back on a tuesday and i was really late in the afternoon there's some bloody great singers um in that room on that on that uh tuesday and they just kept coming out you know with their head in their hands going like a dick has an asshole and i'm going oh this place is gonna eat me alive you know and then um funnily enough i i was always a big um southern huge southern suns fan uh hold me in your arms popped into my head and i hadn't thought about that song in years and years like probably four or five years i suppose and and it just popped in my head again and i got up in there and they said oh yeah have you got any other songs you got the aussie songs i said oh yeah i have actually so i sang hold me in your arms and and the producer goes that's the one he said make sure you sing that one in front of um the judges so that's what i did and and you know shit and bricks i suppose and nervous as buggery so i closed my eyes while i'm singing and yeah they they were all pretty positive so i got three three thumbs up and straight through out of there was only six of us went through i think then out of the um out of that eight thousand something yeah yeah right so you only had to sing for the producer for like for five seconds and they were like yep because they put you through a couple first like there was this this girl who was like she probably you know she looked like she was about 16 or something i was singing she was work for the company somewhere and she made you know you you can go to the next stop as the producer executive producer so i've seen him and i sang ben first michael jackson and then uh he went oh you know any aussie songs that then i was saying hold me in your arms and he went yep that's the one stick with that one and then so came back on the tuesday and then went in there and just yeah just sang a verse and a chorus and i've always wondered that because you always see yeah you're straight to the judges they're patient they're going to come on who are just like like jesus christ yeah i saw it mate there's a lot of it it's entertainment value you know hospital parcel yeah mate they'll love you get in there oh you're all set yeah yeah yeah you know what i mean yeah i always wanted that because there would be people getting their heads torn off by dico if he had to sit through eight thousand people oh i can imagine oh oh yeah 100 so they do whittle them down so yeah we that time there's 100 odd people they had to get through on the one day so and then and obviously i mean we all know how that all turned out and you know opera house and you know you tick that box before your career even started performing there and and it became this show that everyone remembers the first season particularly yeah what was it like you got all these people from all different parks you know all different walks of life all different parts of the world and uh you know we've interviewed uh guy sebastian too and he even said it himself he's like we got you know we had modern australia in that room we had the the you know the country the guy had been raised on country music and we've got this kind of multicultural kid from adelaide who's bit of church in him and we got all kinds of stuff going on he's a real urban kid yeah he plays cricket indoors kind of kid and then uh and then of course you know nalsey and uh and that was you know it was just a perfect final two yeah but then you've got to i mean i imagine there's a lot of you guys get trotted out even the final 12 final 10 final eight and so you've got all what was it like going on basically school camp with these kids yeah well it was a a really different sort of experience in the sense that it was it was all such a competition but there's no real competition between us like i think guy and i especially you know thought the other one would win for start you know what i mean um i sort of remarked each other for to go well anyway but we're sort of just it was just this mad journey that we're all trying to keep our head above water in that was that was so you know out of our comfort zone never and even the people doing running the show you know was their first time doing it was the first time the show second or third second time or third time in the world i think uh you uh the u.s one was first and maybe the brit one was second and then we were third or something but i think it was just such a whirlwind ride we're sort of you know just trying to survive in there so we were there for each other along along the way and we helped each other out and we looked out uh kept an eye on each other and that sort of thing too so there was never a sense of you know i'm gonna spike his breakfast this morning so you know anything so so something happened you know we're all sort of in there going like just holding on like on a life raft like on a life raft and there's one then one goes and another one goes until there's only two of us left because you're playing in front of thousands of people all of a sudden yeah you'd have to be a psychopath to get competitive in that environment yeah you would do exactly like just have some feeling mad driving skills you know but yeah yeah so just the tv thing too was a big scary one because i mean you know all of a sudden i was used to just banging out pub gigs you know what i mean like you know people sculling beer and shots and all that sort of stuff and the band and me sculling beer all of a sudden into this environment where there's just there's no band behind you yeah you know you're just out there on this stage and it's live 100 live to air so if you drop the mic and or you trip over you forget the words or something there's no like oh sorry can i just do that again yeah it's sort of uh there for everyone to see so you're very very exposed and um and and sort of vulnerable i suppose but that's what made it beautiful i think too and it was the very first time like i think we took the journey with the people watching it none of the the viewers at home knew it was going to happen the next any given minute neither did we really because we were sort of you know a bit like mushrooms kept in the dark and fed on so we were sort of one minute to the next we didn't know what was happening so i think that's that's what made it honest and and and uh and pure you know so how long were you locked in that machine for like 12 weeks like who was who was at home you know have a look at the waters and you know well we'd actually lost the farm um before then we'd actually sold the farm and i was actually just doing uh working at mates properties who had a bit of work whenever they did you know some spraying crop spraying for some mates or crutching for another mate or things like that so there wasn't a lot happening at home at all you know so you know it's sort of all built up to this one turning point that um that sort of just came along and and it was the only only turning point really was the only only way to go so or at least one thing to to have a have a go at you know can you tell us a little bit about those few months after you were one of the most famous people in Australian history yeah it's crazy you know like growing up in a small town you know everybody and everyone knows you sort of like that except yeah you just don't know anyone it's like Sydney everyone in Sydney knows you you know the man going yeah do i know that person no i don't so it was pretty it was pretty crazy that side of it you know um i just i felt like the security at the old security guard for a long time until i i started getting down to the six or something going like oh there's and there's that bloke from uh from out west you know what i mean so so um but it was an amazing uh journey an amazing ride when you share uh an experience like that you know what i mean it sort of creates a bond that stays there for a long time you know have you had any reunions any secret not really we i did a thing uh today at fender this time last year so it was a bit of a idle reunion which was a bit of fun you know i haven't seen a few of the guys for ages so it's really good and then obviously you you stay you pump out the album you pump out a few songs there uh well obviously there was the motion pictures cover that you kind of came in with yeah and then of course and then all your own all your own stuff after that you brought the boys with you you brought the town like the hometown band with you no no my brothers came we'd sort of uh i just sort of came straight into this actually half the most of the uh idle band was the first band that i had i couldn't get there wasn't a lot of people wanted to work with me after it after the show i just think within within the industry they didn't want to they really love to hate it because it was oh you know like singing the show and then you can have a number one you know all these people in the industry going like you know how hard i've worked yeah yeah yeah the session artists yeah the biggest thing with it was was you know the whole top 12 had been performing and touring for years and years and years so it wasn't just i was singing in the shower last week and now i'm a recording artist you know so but within the industry was uh oh this is just total bullshit and all that sort of stuff so it was really hard to get any support so like i couldn't get a production company to work with me so i couldn't we couldn't like in front of house and musical equipment stuff like that really no one wanted a bit of a black flag raised on you yeah a little bit but then um the first you know 90 shows sold out so they're pretty keen to get on board after that of course yeah this guy might be a star yeah we might make some money having him so what was your experience like you know entering the machine that is the recording industry like uh were you a bit kind of naive at the start you know you didn't really yeah of course you know the the business itself as a whole whole another beast you know what i mean but um i mean i've done a bit a little bit of dabbling and recording and stuff like that and writing and things like that but we were mostly your pub rock band you know yeah we had a few originals and that sort of stuff but we weren't we weren't you know trying to get a record deal or anything like that so it was a little bit of a different step to to perform your own music and writing your own music you know i think mark holton said to me one time your writing's like an art form you can get better at it the more you practice which i definitely agree with so over the years i got to become a better writer than i was at the start you know at the start they sent me out of the states to write with people like desmond child who's written like 58 number one and everything i'd say you go no you can't say that and i'd go well i'll just go and lay down and you never sleep and then when it's finished you just tell me yeah okay but um you learn so much off these people uh and because everyone has their own way of doing things and songwriting in general yeah um so you're just like a sponge i suppose in the early days you know but obviously too you know it's a very cutthroat industry and and um you know if they're not making money out of you that you're pretty pretty fastly chucked on the heap you know so have you have you felt like that a few times because obviously there's so many different incarnations of nolsy like you're always you know uh one minute uh you know it'll be the australian idol kind of flame has died down and you and you're still on the circuit you're still doing the the you know the musters and that kind of stuff and then all of a sudden you're doing a origin half time or something like that and then yeah so you you've kind of got your ups and downs have you felt that throughout the career oh it most definitely you know and sometimes it's just sort of uh no matter how sort of desperate sometimes it's gotten there's always something that pops up that keeps it going you know sort of i'm sitting there going like you know that's it and done and dusted and then all of a sudden an opportunity will pop up somewhere and that'll throw you a lifeline type thing but that's you know i mean it's the same with actors i suppose you know they can they might do anything for 10 years and all of a sudden they just jag a roll and they wouldn't ask you for it or something travalta travalta 101 i don't think you're that bad mate yeah exactly you know another thing that leads me to the next question you definitely had a social media yeah there was something happened in in australia where obviously your comments were loaded up with blokes asking to borrow your lawnmower yeah yeah that's like the quintessential aussie bloke is shannon knoll and that's that's how they're going to treat you yeah i was really funny that because that that's what it came about over a series of posts and it created this um this machine you know so the first one there used to be a writing thing here in sydney in the nova in late in the year it was 50 songs in five days so a heap of writers come together he produced come together and so he'd send you off in groups of four and just write and you'd just write for the whole week with different people anyway on the wednesday night there's american producers always there and he would cook fish tacos and i never made it to the wednesday night so i was like they mind cooking at home and i cooked this uh fish tacos at home i'm pretty proud of them so i went like chuck the photo up there not even thinking about it you know and all of a sudden i bet that's not the first fish taco so i went oh crikey i should have seen that coming anyway then about two weeks later i was in the cross just in a recording studio and um i found this five dollar note in the ground and had stains and rips and i'm going i was just intrigued going like well if that five dollar note could talk so i did a post about that and people started going oh mate that's my five dollars i'll grab that off you whenever i can and that them two things morphed into this this whole uh way of answering every post i did you know and we started off with a sexual connotation i bet that's not the first time like i was i visited my horse one day and i said i'd you know love this beautiful little horse you know she's a ripper just a shame i didn't have time to ride her i was baiting her but that's that that's not the first really you've ridden and then i just turned in i borrowed everything from whippersnippers that harry put a box set french trilogy my favorite one i saw was you were you sat on the um there was a podium somewhere yeah and you sat down on the second place you went oh second place not again and someone goes uh one of the comments was i bet you secretly sat on the first place for a little bit just yanking your chain shannon have a good one yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh no it was very funny there for a while absolutely right can you tell us why you passed up the offer to play the king of the mountain peter brock i didn't right now that's i didn't pass it up no no no that's fake news yeah that's fake news yeah i'll tell you what actually happened the movie was called king of the mountain rocky brocky was involved i was supposed to play the lead role which was about uh a bit of a loose mechanic is a loose bit of a rat bag so going street racing sydney on the weekends and um he's a bit of a layout you know so anyway i'd watch it yeah well so bathurst council were going to enter a team into the bathurst 24 hour yeah and they had four drivers and i got a guernsey so i was one of the drivers so this as the story went we were against brocky and his team and he brocky played himself and the holding team uh marek what's was supposed to play uh european touring car driver it was just it was so much like talladega nice it's not funny like uh the european um Porsche driver or whatever he's doing an accent so anyway as the story went because 24 hours we had this little mini me totally gutted it and put this massive big fuel tank in it anyway brocky wins long story short brocky wins easily um but because we haven't stopped the fuel we're like three laps in front and this little thing's driven into the ground she's about had enough and it conks out about 100 meters from the finish line and and the european steering car driver he's flown past me he's got one lap to go and i get out start pushing and finally as he's flying down the straight i just push it out of the line to come second yeah and beat him so that that was the story but then uh i think what happened was they tried to use they wanted to use 24-hour original footage from the actual races and they were going to charge them like four times more than they had in their budget for the whole movie yeah right right and then poor uh horribly we lost brocky so yeah so he he was supposed to play himself and i was just this bloke who's in awe of brocky and but you know but could drive but but not as focused as i maybe should have been so so i was in development yeah yeah yeah right yeah and we're all going to stay at the at the big motel that's now at the city gate now it's bathurst i was i was absolutely spewing that would have been a bit of fun i just sort of i really could i really related to the character because he was a bloke that nobody thought would get would make it but he had a heap of talent and we yeah he not that i'm saying that about myself but he was sort of going like he was an unknown quantity but he was just not as focused as he probably should have been but he was thrown a lifeline and and he made the most of it so have you done much acting a little bit yeah yeah here and there i actually did a short film when i was about 15 with a one of your best mates brother was producing it so yeah right i'll have to get out one day it was pretty it was pretty classical yeah yeah yeah well we'll put that put the word out now screen australia yes we have so we have uh we have the next hemsworth in waiting sitting here yeah i'm gonna grow a bit them boys at all good fellas mate yeah but this is a uh a question that was put to us by a lot of our readers they want to know about the birth of the soul patch yeah well it originated uh because i couldn't grow a decent enough goatee like my brothers had yeah and then you wanted the chin strap yeah yeah yeah and then then uh my brothers uh sorry my mother my missus didn't like it so i went well fucking don't tell me what to do keep it so then uh then i obviously kept it yeah and it was hard to control had a life of time that thing you wake up in the morning all the vodka's gone and you go like what's happened oh i know what's happening there's a little soul patch on the lounge the flavor was like that you know this is gonna hurt shannon tomorrow but how long did you have it for oh years long time mate yeah yeah yeah probably it was really funny because after the show there was like this un unspoken bond between me and every other dude that had one we just walked out straight and they go now um i said this is um this isn't mainstream media so we're not gonna we're not gonna sensationalize things but um you've uh had a few incidents over the years where you're just being a run-of-the-mill bloke yeah my question to you is we don't want to talk about any of that they've missed out on a lot too right you've been touring with bands for so long i always wonder that i reckon blokes touring pubs get into more trouble than shannon oh yeah oh yeah mate it's it's you know it's rock and roll but you know there's some crazy shit happens man like i've seen i've seen a lot of stuff over the years you know uh blokes jumping off stage just starting to punch on it with the people in the crowd daily telegraph would love this for sure not that i've done that well yeah well like there's there's a whole current crop of musicians that are coming up you know who haven't had the privilege of yeah well performing where there's no camera phones no exactly right maybe that's brought down star football stars and you know there's they should have come out with a disclaimer on that no but i mean you know i grew up i grew up on stories of you know jimmy barnes and real rock and rollers man you know what i mean so you know i mean that sort of thing to me like not that i was ever went out looking for trouble it was just miss misreported on most of it you know like oh there's some goose from adelaide gets up there goes i was trying to get in we'd been in there for four hours mate you know they ripped me off money that's all i tried to get it i'm leaving asking for the money back that's all and they went yeah talk it out the front i'm going just give us the money back and no one cared when they reported it they're like if anything everyone's like ah good on you nosy yeah we're 14 i'm going like my man how many you know because because bands like half the bands on the bill that afternoon said they were going to that place yeah because it's just a go-to place where they you don't get annoyed because everybody else in there doesn't want any selfies while they're in there either you know what i mean so you don't have someone coming up going oh you go honey mrs going oh i've got a selfie with the choir boys last night what's that in the background oh yeah yeah yeah i mean where were you with them yeah that's right yeah yeah what what is the wildest town you reckon you've i mean i've seen you in a few towns i've seen you in broken hills indian bathers i've seen you in tawumba gimpy gimpy yeah gimpy yeah that was the year the main stage there yeah yeah gimpy is great yeah um i reckon uh what's the big one just out of out of perth cow girly cow girly cow girly yeah because they go like you're going down the pub to have a look at the skimpies and i'm going like what they've got seafood down there hey i thought it's skimpies they have big fancy women in the middle of the desert i'm going we're a long way from the beach you sure they're okay no shannon shannon we mean the five ho strippers brought him out here from king's cross i worked at it when i got when i got out there but come up to me and he goes what's it feel like to be drinking in australia's roughest pub and i mean it feels like home to me yeah they had a bit of money to blow around there too oh yeah yeah yeah no it's good times up there but they had a great time up there you know like you know i sort of it's just yeah hard-working people everywhere you know and nothing different than than the people who i grew up with so you know it's you the people work hard let off some steam you know i think um you know anyone doing it out of line you know intentionally way out of line they think like that you know they get pulled up pretty quick out in places like that so you know so you know whereas down here it's a little bit i don't know it's i don't know it doesn't happen as much we're not not accepted enough or what but the difference is you know people um people don't get away with it do you reckon in cities like brisbane and um and sydney you kind of get you get pested more oh i mean it's funny they all sort of differ a little bit melbourne i get a lot more people come up to me and ask for photos and that sort of stuff whereas i think sydney's are a little bit um especially in the in the you know inner city and that they're sort of a little bit busy doing what they're doing anyway you know which is fine with me i'm not walking around going like hey you know i haven't got a card that says you just walked past you know what i mean yeah known from you guys remember season one yeah that's right uh yeah so you know i mean it is what it is made you know i do find that i don't i don't leave the house like i'm going on stage but i think there's a lot of people who do you know they're going down to buy the milk and they've got their all their jewelry on and they're rocking on their leather pants and cave does that he won't leave the house without the trench coat and the gold chain yeah it's all sort of cruising around and when we're living in shire you know down marina there with thongs and singlet on that sort of stuff and hiding in plain sight what's the uh what's the what's the go with this new album you've done you you're working actually with a band called southbound yeah and they're a lot of uh they're from all over the world a lot of the you know the artists that you're working with yeah the girls are amazing actually they're um a sort of i'd class them as a super group sort of thing they're all they're all well in their way uh with their own careers uh on the journey of their own careers and and they've uh all come together to put some great music out you know and they're all they're all very very um accomplished musicians and and vocalists as well so it was a great opportunity to write with the girls you know um i sort of i was thinking like the creepy old man for a start there but we we wrote a pretty a nice little song i reckon you know um they they've had a couple out about about drinking songs already i'm like damn it yeah we're gonna do that one i know i've got a fair bit of uh experience for that subject i'll probably have a bit to write about but um no but we end up writing a nice little song and and and you know the girls like i said were great really great to work with and and i think they'll i think you know they they've really got what it takes uh from the look side of things to the performance and to the actual capability and the talent you know so i hope they go really really well you know and just hoping to they can you know throw a bit of promo microwave for my career no no yeah i think yeah it's it's a it's a two-lane street we're just trying to support each other and and see how it goes you've just come back from darwin yeah um is there anything else on the horizon for you yeah maybe we've got a few shows like lined up you know it's it's slowly but surely here you know like we we're doing we've got a few acoustic shows lined up um and bits and pieces like that you know it was just so great being in darwin felt like yeah like the old days if that's what you are i hate calling it that too but that's the way they're making us feel like oh this is the new the new i think that's how most people feel yeah we just want to get back to when they hop off the airplane in darwin yeah yeah it was just fantastic and i went down the pub and you saw the rah rah because there's so many people in there you had to talk over everyone i'm going wow are they going to stand up in the pub yeah i know it's like no social distancing anything mate it's just like it was great i'm going like you know what i might just i might put me flight back yeah well now can you tell us uh uh if you don't mind us ask a very personal question but you've uh you've sung a song uh related to this what are you driving nowadays i've got 100 series and anchors mate yeah so i just sort of um yeah yeah it's the old V8 one she's a bit thirsty but it's just a lot of fun to to bash around in you know to me it's not too precious or something like that and um do a bit of four-wheel driving and stuff like that and you can't break them you know i think they're the best uh they're the best model out of a lot of them so it's just a lot of fun to be driving around and oh mate i took it to the muffler shop and he says i'll make this out better than SS and i went oh yes and it sounds grumbly too it's great yeah so it's just a bit of a bit of a fun fun thing because you know i i have the easiest sort of um you get sponsored cars and stuff like that and they're never yours so you can't because i'm i love my cars and because it's such an integral part to to country people like if you haven't got a a car that performs well you know you're you're stuck once on the side of the road you know with a with something wrong and you will never try and do it again you know what i mean because out here i mean at 45 degrees on the side of the road you don't want to be there too long with a with a car that you've cooked or something yeah there's uh a lot of SS utes out the front of humpies yeah all around this country yeah yeah yeah it's a lot of people you know take a lot of pride in their car so it becomes parts pretty quick yeah yeah that's right if they can't get one part to fix it that's exactly yeah yeah oh well thanks for joining us today nosy it's uh it's been a great yarn all the best with this new release thanks guys i appreciate you stopping me i'm a big fan of uh of what you're doing too so yeah appreciate it thanks everyone sounds like we should get a darwin soon yeah roger it |
SaturdayNightLive | friends_snl | And now, stay tuned for friends. Oh, my God. this show is so stupid, Thebes. I mean, it's just tapes of cats falling off things and men getting hit in the crotch. Um, okay. I love the show, Rach. you would. Look, Thebes, I have something to tell you. Wow. that sounds really like. announcement. it kind of is. I met someone, Thebes. a guy. I don't know. I think this whole Ross and me thing is, like, over. um, congratulations. I think. wow.
You know, Ross, you totally upset me when you didn't even give my quiche a la Monica. I mean, hello. I spent all day making it. well, I would have spent the rest of the night throwing it up. Hi. hi, Rachel. hi, Ross. I thought you were gonna call me. I spent all weekend beside the phone in a fetal position, moaning a lot. Oh, Ross. there's kind of a reason why I didn't call. I was really hoping you would, Rach, because I just wanted to ask you. will you marry me? hey, uh, yo, you guys wanna go shoot some pool or something? Joey, shut up.
Oh, what a horrid day I've had. Hi, Chandler. um, hi, Chandler. Oh, my stars. it's a wonder I simply didn't faint dead away. haven't you, Betsy? I know this is sudden, Rachel, but there's this thing between us. it's the kind of thing that, and it's a good thing. Oh, Ross. marriage is such a big step. marriage? my word, you mustn't. my dear girl, you'll be ruined. ruined! Um, okay, Chandler, I think you're being really, like, negative. marriage rules? I know. I mean, marriage? hello? Look, Rach, I still love you. I really do.
Joey, tell her how much I talk about her. Heavens yes, Joey. do tell. do tell. Uh, yeah. You know, Ross talks of, uh, Rachel.
See? Oh, bother. you're all prattling away while I stand here, half-dead from thirst. I simply shall perish without a glass of buttermilk. hey, uh, hold on a sec. Uh, there. uh, Chandler, you're kind of, uh, out of character today, not your usual smart, allicky self. Is something wrong? Why, heavens no, dear boy.
I'm Chandler. bing, raconteur and sassy man about town. Now, would you be a love and fetch me my shawl?
All right, Colin, cut it out. Dear me, I shan't be spoken to in that tone, Joey. it simply won't do. I'm serious. cut it out. what are you doing, Matthew? you're ruining the whole sketch.
What am I doing? what kind of an impression is this? this doesn't sound anything like me. Look, you shouldn't second-guess him, you know. he's an actor. you know, he made an acting choice. Hey. Katan, do yourself a favor and stick to characters that don't speak. And, Colin, I don't play Chandler like some big, gay, foppish guy. Look, Matthew, I'm sorry you didn't like my impression. it's just that I'm a huge fan. and your performance in that role always brings to mind classic character actors like Edwin, Edward, Edward Horton. I tried to bring that to my performance, but I guess it was a bad call. well, not necessarily.
Ooh, Chandler's home. Joey, be a deer and fetch me my shawl. I'm rather chilly. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_104_Ronny_Chieng | This week we are talking to one of Australia's greatest exports, although he's quite vague about claiming us on his international stand-up specials. I think there's a little bit of love there, but more Melbourne-centric.
Ronny Chiang, thank you for joining us today. Whoa, what the hell is that coming from? Yo, I never stop. First of all, thanks for having me on. You guys are awesome.
Big, big fan of the paper. I read it every day.
Second of all, I've never been shy about claiming it. You guys have been shy about claiming me and so it becomes like this weird, like, can I even claim it?
You guys don't even like, I mean, first of all, being Asian in Australia, that's already, you're not Australian. Being Asian in Australia is un-Australian. That's one. So already you're going to have a tough time being claimed. Then second of all, I've always said, oh yeah, I lived in Australia, I started coming to Australia. I tried to rep Australia. You guys are the ones who don't return the favor. No, we have a bustling Malay Chinese community in the Channel Country of Western Queensland. So no, we very much consider you Australian.
Ronnie, but you are, I mean, just looking at your history of addresses around the world, some might even like question whether or not you come from a military family. Yeah, it's, I don't, it's just a quirk of the modern times that I just became very post-national because we just, we just, my family just traveled around, legitimately lived and worked in several places.
You know, if you grew up in Malaysia, it's a very multicultural country and it's connected to Singapore the same way, like, it's like connected by like the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Singapore and Malaysia is basically, and I stayed in Johor Bahru, which is the border town and I would wake up in Malaysia and then I would go to school in Singapore. I wake up at 4 a.m., take the bus, go to school in Singapore, come back home around 8 p.m.
So I was literally going between two countries. So that's why, like, when people don't understand, like, why do you claim both countries? First of all, most people don't even know that those are two separate countries. And then when they do know, they're like, why are you claiming two countries? But it's like, you don't understand, if you come from Johor Bahru, man, Singapore and Johor Bahru, we're like cousins, you know, we're cousin countries.
So you wouldn't have to take your passport to school, would you? No, I did. Well, when I started, it was, they had a special card for students, but you still had to take your passport. Yeah, you didn't have to take your passport out, but you had to have it on you. But I think they stopped that card. There was a special card you could use to get in and out, just for students.
Common sense has prevailed, it seems. From there, you were obviously, a bit of time in Manchester, USA. Yes. And I guess your more formative years, teenage years in Melbourne. In Singapore. I only came to Melbourne for university. Oh, okay. Right here.
So I came, when I was 18 years old, I came to Australia for university. And what game were you in then? Were you heading in towards that, or what were you studying? I was studying law, doing law of commerce at University of Melbourne.
So you basically followed the Charlie Pickering model? Yeah, yeah. Mikhailov, Charlie Pickering, Andrew O'Keefe even? Sure. You're such a bargain, two degrees at the same time, who the hell wouldn't do that? I mean, it's such an attractive proposition.
So are you still licensed to practice law in the state of Victoria?
Oh, Steve, Steve Vazard, Steve Vazard as well. Oh yeah, yeah, another great lawyer. Steve Vazard.
I am called to the bar in the state of Victoria, yes. Really? Well, that's good to know in case we ever get caught for any white collar crime, was it? Yeah. In Victoria? Which isn't out of the realm of possibility.
Defamation, definitely. If Cardinal Pell wins this high court appeal, we are going to spend a lot of time in court in Victoria. Oh, he's coming after, the first thing on his list after the kids is you.
The only assets I have in this world is a 2002 AU2 Ford Falcon. That is off white colour, it's got 194,000 k's on it, and Cardinal Pell is more than welcome to take that from my cold dead hands, as ordered by the court of Victoria. Have you guys actually had any legal trouble with the paper?
Yeah. Yes. We have.
We tend to ignore it. If we get a cease and desist, we just ignore it occasionally. I mean, we do run stuff by lawyers, but if we can get, just in our heart, we feel like there's no bite with this bark, we'll occasionally publish a cease and desist, and then they usually back off.
I think that a lot of people, that they realise that the juice isn't worth the squeeze because they know that we don't have any money or any assets, so if they take us to court and they win, they're just going to have to pay all of their lawyers and we're just going to have to declare our bankruptcy, and that'll be that. Change our names. So, by sheer incompetence, you guys have made yourself judgement proof?
Yeah, I guess. Well, you know what they say, there's nothing more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose. By being unable to successfully monetise the paper, you guys have made yourself essentially judgement proof. Yeah. That's awesome. That's basically how it goes.
I mean, and it's an interesting time that we're in, obviously, you must have been very frustrated when you started hitting your straps as a comedian. The world kind of went through this weird, I guess it was media started to change a lot, and then all of a sudden, no longer can you just be Hamish Blake, you can't be the funny guy from the start of your career to the end of your career who just gets to be funny and gets to make people laugh. Now you've got to be some sort of renegade, some sort of maverick who's like, you know, you've got to be part, what's his name, changed everything for us, wasn't it?
John Oliver. John Oliver!
The Rantalism. Rantalism.
Right. Well, that's a very astute and nuanced observation, actually, and no one's ever actually been able to ask me that question in that way that shows that much understanding of it, of comedy and the entertainment landscape and storytelling. People have hinted around that question, but this is the first time I actually heard it asked that well, yeah, I think, I mean, I'm not complaining. You know, the first part of your question was like, kind of like, are you upset that growing up in this age or I mean, no, I mean, it's interesting.
I did come up in a weird time when, you know, when I started, it was just kind of like the death of, it was just when YouTube was kind of hitting its stride for comedians anyway. So no one had figured it out yet. In fact, till today, people are still trying to figure it out, you know, only one or two comics I know, stand up comics have actually figured it out, but everyone knew that YouTube was the future, but no one knew how to do it properly.
And then the old school was just do live comedy and do some TV appearances, right, in Australia. That was the old school. So I kind of came up in that old school, like do the gala and do your live shows, you know, and to further compound issues. Me and the comics of my generation, Matt Okai, Nazeem, Nazeem is maybe not the best example of this.
Reese Nicholson, like all of us, we couldn't get on TV. We couldn't get on TV because there was, maybe we weren't good enough. And also there was no real place for us to go on. You know what I mean? Like we weren't mainstream enough. Our voices were kind of like subversive, countercultural, like, you know, it wasn't what it wasn't for the foodie show. It wasn't for whatever it was. So we couldn't actually get on TV.
And so we just did live shows. We just did live comedy.
And it kind of worked out better for us because in my opinion, because not to pat myself on the back, but I think people kind of heard about my comedy shows, but the only way to see me was to watch me live. So it just kind of drove up demand. Like you couldn't watch me on TV, you couldn't hear me on radio. The only way you could actually see me is to come and watch me live. And I think that in a weird way, it helped us, you know, like it could have gone the other way, which is it killed our careers because we had no exposure. But I think it helped us, you know, get that critical demand graph up. And so that's how I played it.
And because of that, I've never played a YouTube social media game. You know, like I'm on Instagram, I'm on Twitter, but I'm not prolific like you guys. I'm not prolific on, you know, I don't have a podcast anymore. You know, I just kind of just do, I'm very much an old media dude now. You know, the TV show I work on, The Daily Show is on basic cable. You know, I do stand up, which is just live shows. You have to buy tickets to come watch me. You know, I don't have a YouTube show.
And I probably should have, but I don't know. I just came up in that time when that was the thing to do. I'm very comfortable doing that stuff, you know.
The other part of the question, which is very interesting is, yeah, I guess you kind of are. I do think that there is some, you kind of have to be that outrage comedy, as I call it, right? You kind of have to be like this outrage comedy, but I think there's a pushback from it now. You know, I think it's going the other way, which suits me just fine. You know, I'm a comedian, you know, I'm a standup comedian at heart. The other thing about me is that because I'm a Chinese comedian, it's also hard for me to just be a comedian, right? Because everything I do has to have like some commentary on the Asian experience in the West and all that, you know. So that's another thing that I kind of have to, yeah.
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Roddy, you were saying just before that you were coming up in an age where you guys knew that YouTube was going to be the future. Is the future now, is the traditional sort of pathway for an Australian comedian, has it changed a bit?
You know, where we were talking about the ABC being the absolute Nirvana. You know, once you get a show on the ABC, you're done. Are those days over now? I think so, if they were ever really the days, you know, like when has for some reason everyone's aiming to get a show on the ABC in Australia.
And I can't if because the numbers don't really make sense anymore, both financially and in terms of views. And I mean, if you put your producer's hat on, forget the creative, just put your producer's hat on. The numbers don't make sense at all.
And here's the great con in Australia is that they'll go, hey, we really like you.
We want you to make a show, but we never have any money. There's no money.
So you have to make it for this amount. Okay. You have to make it for this amount of money. Let's say a hundred grand an episode, just to keep it easy. That's not the actual number, but you have to make up a hundred grand episode, which is to make it for a hundred grand episode is already, that means that everyone is going to work for less than minimum wage.
And you're going to, because it's your project, your baby, you're going to think it's worth it because you want this thing to succeed. And because it's your first time doing something like this, you're going to say, you know what? I don't care about the money. I just want to make something cool. So you're going to do it. You're going to put in all your work, all your energy, put your life into it, put your ideas into it. Right.
And inevitably, inevitably it falls over due to bad marketing or bad decisions or maybe, maybe bad talent, whatever the reason is, it falls over. And then guess what they do. They go, okay, onto the next guy. Then they find the next person. And then here's where the con happens. They go, Hey, you're the new, you're the new guys. We want you to make a show. And guess what?
The previous guy made it for a hundred thousand. So now you have to make it for 80, 80,000, you know, so they keep pushing it down and down and they don't realize that a hundred thousand was already below the minimum to make it for 80,000 is it's impossible, you know, but, and then they'll do it. People will do it for the reasons I said before, and because there's not enough funding in it, bad decisions inevitably falls over again. And this cycle keeps repeating.
And the people who suffer here are the creatives and the audiences, obviously, but the creatives. And there's a lot of execs there and I don't see them cutting their salaries anytime. You know, all I see is the show budgets going down and down. So it's this kind of game and it's, it's hard to talk about this stuff because not enough people are in a position to make shows, to know enough about this. All people see is like, why are you complaining?
They gave you a show and you're complaining and, but look at, look at what the ABC broadcast literally every day on the ABC, they play black Adder every day. How is, how the fuck are they playing black? It's a timeless classic. Every day. And by the way, Black Adder was what, eight episodes a season, four seasons, 24 episodes every day for 20 years, they found a way to play Black Adder.
Led Zeppelin had to fund that program.
Yeah. It's crazy. And so my point is that this is what these are the people are dealing with. We're dealing with people who play Black Adder every day and audiences who want to watch Black Adder every day. Yeah. Well, even that though, even that is questionable too, because you can't, you don't know what the audiences want to watch until they latch onto something. And a perfect example is Catherine Kim. That was said, I think how many people said no to that? Exactly. That show was bumped time and time again until the girls were just like, no, no, back us here. And they got lucky. Yeah. Seinfeld. Yeah.
What Seinfeld was, was not, didn't have the acclaim at the start, man. People had to back it and it became the greatest TV show of all time.
So there's no runways here. You had your run with the ABC there and when that wrapped up, can you tell us when that wrapped up, what, what were you looking at? Did you have this, um, this, this job in America ready to go or what were you?
No, I'm, I'm very lucky again. I'm very lucky.
And which is why I take it upon myself to talk about this because I'm not, I'm not talking about this for myself, by the way, I, this isn't about me isn't, I swear to God, this isn't, you got out of the hood. Ronnie got out of the hood. Yeah. This isn't a hundred percent bitterness here. There's probably some bitterness and ego in that equation because everything we do is multifactorial, but it's not solely, this isn't, this isn't solely self-interest.
I'm saying, because when I got the show, I actually was already on the daily show. They approved my pilot. I wrote the pilot script, the script got approved. Then I got hired on the daily show. So I actually left the daily show for, for a few weeks to film the pilot at personal costs just to make this show. And then we went back and then the ABC approved the season. So we wrote a whole season while I was working on the daily show. I came back again at personal cost, you know, I gave up the salary at the daily show for a few weeks to film this thing for a few weeks in, in, in Australia. So when, when it didn't get picked up again, like I, I was already working on the daily show, you know, when it didn't get picked up, it actually meant I would make more money.
Yeah. So, you know, that's, that, and I'm very, very lucky to be, have been in, in that position, you know, every, no one else was in that position. Everyone else working at ABC is not in that position. So. Did you ever consider just being like, maybe I just should have kept going and gone on to work at like clay notes or, or ashes or something and just, you know, what life would have been like if, if you were a Collins street suit. Damn. You know, you know the name, so you went to law school. No, I just have had a lot to do with the courts over the years. I'm just a drifter. If you know, if you know Ash hearse, then you're in the legal, you have some connection to legal industry, man. Nope.
Those are big firms, but nobody, those aren't the, everyone knows the big six, don't they?
Up until the point I got the daily show, I kept thinking one, I always had like one foot out the door to maybe outside, Oh, maybe I should, I have to go back to law now or something, you know, like, yeah. So I always had that in my head, but when I got the daily show, it became like, okay, I think I can actually make a proper career of this and, you know, keep going.
But I would have been a terrible lawyer. I do think about it sometimes, but I was a, I was a terrible law student and I would have. I do hear a lot of lawyers who are lawyers now who say they're bad lawyers.
Well, okay, well I guess, uh, maybe, you know, like what makes a good lawyer? I mean, you know, there's people who give clients and yeah, so maybe they have souls now.
I don't know.
I, most of my friends, I, uh, a small minority of them from law school actually still love what they're doing. I will say that most of them are like, Oh fuck, slowly preparing themselves for liberal pre-selection and are like an outer metropolitan seat basically.
Yeah. I know one of them actually did. Yeah.
One of them is the libertarian. One of them is a libertarian, not quite a liberal, but a libertarian leader.
So there you go. Now, can you tell us a little bit, Ronnie, um, in these uncertain times we're in, isn't it? It's been interesting to see like all of that clutter that usually takes up a lot of energy in the media cycle and in, I guess in comedy, um, it's just disappearing. Yeah. Good point. But, um, it is interesting watching some people that would usually have quite a platform and quite a voice have just disappeared in the last month.
I mean, I think it's a pandemic, it's an unprecedented global pandemic. So I think if nothing else, if not creatively, I think just logistical workflows have been affected.
I mean, the daily show workflow is complete. We can't go to the studio. They took a week, which I think is a huge, quick turnaround to figure out how we can do this show from our own homes. And we figured it out. So we're actually doing segments from our homes, recording with Trevor, Trevor's doing from his house, you know, we're all like in scramble, you know, uh, emergency backup mode.
Uh, I think maybe just logistically people are affected by it. I think also it's hard to complain about whatever the hell issue is happening in your life when we have a global pandemic that is, you know, if not affecting many people, it's definitely in the news cycle is dominating the news cycle. So it's hard to talk about anything else. Right. But I agree that it is interesting seeing everything at what we're used to the usual noise, kind of quiet and slow down being replaced with a different type of noise, which is Instagram live and uh, whatever the hell else is people doing quarantined shows and podcasts or whatever the hell people kind of figure out, you know, There's not many people writing 1500 word op-eds on subconscious gaslighting right now. It's more about a, Hey, wash your hands. Although arguably, arguably that, that might even be more useful now that gaslighting on the internet. Cause you know, this Twitter has always been terrible. And uh, in light of the coronavirus, I think it's, it's definitely having a lot of real, the terribleness is having real world consequences.
I mean, can you just run us through, you're currently in isolation in Australia. I'm not in a enforced isolation. I'm self self-enforced isolated so I can still like go out for groceries and stuff.
Yeah. Did you make the call to come back from New York? Oh no. So what happened was I was actually in Australia to make a film and the production got shut down when this, you know, when shit hit the fan. And so I had a, you know, choice whether or not to return to New York and I thought it'd be better to just wait it out here rather than try to travel and go back to New York, you know? Yeah. Well, I suppose now I've spoken to a few people in the creative space and they're feeling a bit concerned now that they've got all of this time. That they might be forced to do something. Yeah. That they might be forced to actually create something. Yes. In terms of creating and writing, is this a good time? Is this what you do sort of normally? Like if, if you really had to nut out a script for a whole kind of show, would you put yourself in isolation and just nut it out? Yeah.
I mean, in many ways, you know, you can make what you want of any situation. I think in many ways, this is a really cool writer's retreat. I mean, it is for me.
I'm away from home. I'm, you know, I'm not meeting with anybody. I have quiet. I have a lot of time. You know, all the business meetings have been put on hold.
So you can just kind of focus on the writing. So yeah, you can write something. And I think people should write things because we now live in a post coronavirus world and all our stories are all set in a pre-corona world, you know?
And so there's an element of relatability that is absent from a lot of these shows we watch on TV. Now you're like, oh, that was what it was like before corona. You know, like these, these, these characters in this TV show don't even know that you should throw, throw on a nineties rom-com and, and, and just grieve about how people used to be able to hug each other and shit.
Yeah, exactly. There's, from a creative point of view, there are positives. If you have your health and you, you're hopefully financially okay, you kind of have a perfect excuse to hunker down and write some stuff and make some stuff or animate some stuff or whatever your thing is, you know? Ronnie, another big, big moment in your career, I mean, aside from the Daily Show and of course the little Dum Dum Club podcast was Crazy Rich Asians, which was obviously a bit groundbreaking. Can you, can you tell us a little bit about that? Yeah. Big fans of the character you played. I'm actually halfway through that now.
The actual book, there's a lot in the book that isn't in the movie. Like the detail in the book is just insane. Like how the author goes through, like where each item of clothing is from and which part of Paris it was bought in and with which card, you know, it's just like, it's really nice insight.
Yeah.
I think that's one of the appeals of the story in the book was that it was very detailed and accurate. I don't remember reading a book where there were so many footnotes and yeah, so many footnotes referring to explaining the Singaporean local lingo and slang and food items, you know, like that's why I was like, oh man, I can't believe this is a story that Paul in America got behind. Cause it's so Singaporean. It just speaks to how authentic, authentically written it was, you know.
I remember thinking, um, all of a sudden you pop up on screen and I said, surely there's a lot of Singaporean actors and American actors. Do you feel like, uh, now looking at where everyone's gone with their careers from that movie, do you feel that is a weird thing or like the representation of Asian people in films is like kind of lacking a little bit in the fact that they had to literally grab you guys from all around the world?
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
This is an incredibly difficult topic to talk about because there's a lot of different factors that come into it. I mean, one factor is that people point to the entertainment industry in Asia. Like Asia has its own entertainment industry. So people are like, well, you have that, why do you need this? But people don't understand that like, there's a lot of Australian Asians, a lot of American Asians who have nothing to do with Asia. So this is kind of for them, you know, to see them in, in the Western world, in the Western storytelling. Then the other element is that, uh, we say Asian and we say Asian in the West partly as a simplification and partly because it creates a very powerful voting block that all of us can kind of band together as a community to very powerful, very powerful community. But it fails to adequately describe the actual cultures present in that, you know, when you say Asian, you're talking about, you know, a vast number of Koreans, Japanese, Thai people, Burmese. And Thai continent.
Yeah. Like, uh, you've got, uh, Filipinos, you have Malaysians, you have Chinese people in Malaysia, you have Chinese people in Philippines, you have in, in China, you have different dialects, Hokkien, Teochew, Cantonese, you know, in Japan, they have different regions. So like, and then you have the American versions of all these, you know what I mean? American, Chinese, Filipino. So the permutations are endless. So all these different groups, by the way, have different cultures and agendas. Like not just Chinese Filipinos, American, Chinese Filipinos and Chinese Filipinos have probably different cultures, you know? So all these people, you band them together and then you try to give representation by putting Asians in a TV show, like as secondary characters.
Of course you're not going to hit authentic, you know what I mean? I mean, once again, let's bring it back to my favorite topic, the ABC, like they have a literal checklist and, and they literally go like, okay, well, we have this gay Asian guy who is playing the, you know, the, the, the fifth, the fifth lead in this. So therefore we have good diversity. It's like, no, you don't, how can you possibly have stories? So all those factors play into the idea of what the movie was about, you know, and it speaks to what you just said, which is, which is the difficulty in finding the fucking actors to be in it.
Yeah. Cause it is interesting when you look at like America, the biggest thing I find in America is in Hollywood, if you talk to producers, it's almost like they would think that only five Latino actors exist in the world. Right.
They're all very typecast, Southern California gangsters and their names are always Hector, but it's, it's, it's, it's, that's going to be a whole different hurdle as well to imagine Hollywood's now going to not only get past a man of Asian appearance, he sits in the passenger seat of the cop car for this scene. It's like, oh now how are we going to include the LA Koreatown population?
Yeah, exactly. And I mean, I think that's changing a bit. I think what part of the reason why is cause the younger generation is coming in, you know, the younger generation who understands that world better and they understand, they grew up with people from diverse backgrounds, so they want to tell that story. You know, I think that's happening, but at the same time, Ronnie, at the same time, do you feel like you may have a massive pan Asian fan base, but following that Netflix special and crazy rich Asians, uh, yeah, I certainly hope so. I'm trying to make some money here. Yeah.
I hope that, yeah, it's only hope that anyone, anyone who is Asian likes it. And also I hope everybody, I hope everybody likes it.
Were you casting a wadnet or was, or was it, uh, honestly with my, with everything I make now, I'm just trying to be authentic. You know, I'm not trying to pander, you know, I think that storytelling, which I think standup comedy is a form of storytelling. I think with storytelling, I think authenticity resonates. So, uh, ever since I started doing comedy, I've always just tried to say what I want to say and hope people get behind it. And I've been lucky that people have been getting behind it. You know, I won't say I was trying to cast a white net, but that being said, I mean that I think there's some element of that, right? That's why I wanted to be on Netflix so I could get a bigger platform in terms of like, well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm, I definitely, I'm not trying to pander in what I do.
Yeah, good. When did you know it was time to take your shit on stage for everyone? Was that when Netflix hit you up or like, did you feel you had like a growing kind of fan base off the back of the daily show and all your work? I mean, obviously we can't discredit what Dumb Dumb Club's done for you, but... Not quite sure what you're asking. You're making it sound like the decision to go on Netflix was mine. Yeah, no, no. Did you, did you feel like you said now we're not in Melbourne anymore, Ronny? When was that feeling?
Oh, when I, when I got hired at a daily show, yeah. When I got hired at a daily show, I moved, I moved to New York and it was like, okay, you know, it's a different, completely different world. You know, New York City is already a different culture and then the New York standup scene is a different culture and then the daily show, it's its own vibe, you know, so very, very much when I, when I went to work on the daily show, when I got hired, it was very much like, it was the Wizard of Oz moment.
Yeah, you're not in Melbourne anymore. You know, there's no one here, you know, you didn't, you didn't come up in comedy with these people. You've never worked in this environment before. You've never worked in an office before.
You've never had to run around New York City, you know, jumping on stage, trying to get stage time everywhere. So you said, you said in your, in your, in your, in your comedy special, you can do six to eight shows a night.
Yeah, easy, easy. You can do more than that. Really? Yeah.
It's New York is the Mecca.
I mean, and I hope it continues to be so, you know, right now, facing a, this, this, this thing is directly affecting live events. So, you know, I hope it comes back.
Six to eight shows a night. I mean, how big a shift would that be all up? Would that be six hours, how many, five hours throughout the evening? So you're, each spot would be around 12 minutes, right? 15 or 10, 10 to 15 minutes.
You will run around. Yeah. From, I get off the daily show at 7 30 and then I go immediately just go to do shows. You'll be gigging from 8 PM till, I don't know, maybe 1 AM. Yeah. And then you go home. Yeah. That's a brutal life.
Hey man, it's, it's the dream. You know, it's the dream. It's the dream.
It's the only time. Honestly, it's the only time when, when it's the only place you can do it. And honestly, it's the only time I actually felt genuinely happy with that stuff.
You know, running from gig to gig. It's just, that's the dream, man. It's the dream of every standup comic.
You got, you got out of there for this film before things started getting tense in New York City? Yes. So you, you actually were, were you around for all of that hardcore China virus shit? No, I wasn't. Yeah. I just missed it. Yeah. Damn. Yeah.
Could you see that happening before it happened? Cause it started getting real anti-Chinese there and it still is in many parts of Australia. Yeah, I could see that happening. I mean, yeah, I, I, I, I kind of saw it happen.
I was hoping that it would be a bit more specific or, or isolated. Even till this point, I still don't know how widespread it is, whether it's just, you know, idiots on the internet or how much of it is real life. The hatred is kind of carried on out in real life. I honestly, I'm not sure. I'm not sure how much of it is either way, but yeah, I guess I could see that coming.
Yeah. It's about to become the Trump virus. In fact, in Australia, we should hold more prejudice towards boomers who've been skiing in Aspen or on cruise ships. Hey, listen, man. I've been, I've been beating that drum for years now. This, even before the illness of the bourgeois, I've been the bourgeois flu. Dude, the, uh, anyway. Yeah. I've been complaining about the, the boomer generation in charge for a while now. So yeah, there's nothing new.
Can you tell us, did you just, just on that cruise ships, did you ever do a cruise ship show when you were doing Australian comedy?
No, thanks fully. No, no. And do you know, do you know, like, uh, never had the chance to get gastro, lovely man.
I know a lot of comics who do do the cruise ships, you know, and credit to them, man. It's a tough gig.
Um, like, uh, I, do you know that cruise ships are actually some of the worst things for the environment? Yeah. Yeah, they are in terms of actual just pure numbers and pollution. They actually cause some of the most damage. So I actually hope the cruise ships don't come back. I hope this is it. It's the crude oil because this, the diesel engines that they run off, there's a type of diesel that's like that they get from like the very end of the refining process where it's very high in, um, the bad stuff. Yeah. And that they just have these boats that serve no purpose and to entertain the elderly for a couple of days, all the way up to a couple of months or a year. Yeah.
Not to mention the food wastage, not to mention the, you know, all that. That Ruby princess that basically is responsible for about 20% of all coronavirus cases in Australia that they just unloaded into circular key two weeks ago. Right now, that thing's still here and they're trying to talk about what they do with their staff that are sick.
But that thing sitting in Sydney harbor runs more pollution than every car in Sydney. No, I would believe that. I'm just trying to find the numbers so I can actually like talk about this a little bit more intelligently that, you know, all of us are like, you know, trying to cut down plastic bags and straws and fricking, whatever. Literally we have billions of dollars invested trying to invent electric cars. He's got them cruise ships. Another, another stat, which is pretty concerning. I heard was the 12 biggest cruise ships on earth pollute the same as every car on earth.
That's what I heard. I heard that too.
And so I'm hoping Bill Gates does a Ted talk about that. We can just retweet that and pretend like we did something with our lives because this thing, this thing, it's a, it's actually a huge issue. Like we're going to tackle climate change.
This is one of those things, you know, that, that can be your thing, Ronnie. Now that you like, cause you're a comedian now, so you can, you can become a renegade like the anti cruise ship. You can be the anti cruise ship guy.
I don't think you're running out of steam anytime soon. No, no, no, no, no need for that. I'll put it. It'll be a title of my next special.
The cruise ship guy.
Just before we let you go, there's been a lot of time where we've all been locked away in our houses over the past few days.
Are you working on anything new? What can we expect to see from Ronnie? Probably not this year cause everything's fun.
Oh yeah, yeah. We'll count some scripts, some TV scripts, movie scripts, and I'm still touring. Like my tour, I actually, my tour was on sale and it had to, we've been moving dates, but I'm hoping I can tour before the end of the year. You know, as, as, as naive as that thought sounds, you know? So hopefully I'm not sprucing tickets. I'm just saying that hopefully, you know, live standup comes back in some form and we can do again, you know, obviously if it's, if it's safe for everybody.
So perfect. Thanks a lot guys.
What, what would you, what would you want to see back first? I mean, apart from your livelihood, leave that out of it. Would you prefer to see standup or NBA?
Goddamn, at this point, I'll be happy if we can just travel to a different city without having to be in jail for two weeks. I would love for everyone to just be able to walk outside for a bit. Oh, well, uncertain times.
Thank you for joining us. Thank you for joining us, Ronnie. Been a great yarn and thank you for sticking it to the ABC. That was refreshing. Thanks a lot.
Anytime, man. I'm the guy. I'm the guy who doesn't care about the job anymore. It's only us and you Ronnie. Those bastards down there in the, in the ultimate Kremlin. Thanks a lot guys. Yeah. |
cracked | how_to_ruin_the_best_part_of_working_from_home | No! No tangents.
My cat's in the chair. This is what I'm talking about, okay?
We never get anywhere in these meetings. Say hi to Walter.
And people hate it. I hate it. And you know why?
Yeah, I have a blog about it. I don't know what that word is, Chris. Yeah, that's on the blog too, man.
We're not spunky enough. Discipline. More of it. We need more. More discipline.
I haven't been bringing it, and that's on me. Starting today, there are gonna be ground rules. And you may not like them all at first, but trust me, you'll be thanking me from the halls of the Fortune 500. Fortune 500 is not a place. We're not like that attitude. Thank you, Samantha.
And I think we can all agree that a dress code is an important part of any business month. But I gotta be mean. Oh god, you're not gonna make us wear little vests or something, are you? Can we put whatever we want in the vest? They're not vests anymore. I'm already shaving for this. Appropriate business attire. You want me to do another thing? The suit makes the man. I don't wanna be a man. I'm talking blouse. I'm talking shirts without kooky references on them designed to confuse me and make me feel bad about myself. By next week, I want us looking like some budging professionals.
Okay? Okay. You're both veeeery funny. Huh?
You can't hear it, but he's purring.
What's the plan for today, Walter? Time for some business things.
You know, business attire is a sign of professionalism. Professionalism implies that we have a profession.
Oh Walter, don't be mad. I just jazzed him up a little. I think you look very professional, little Sammy. Thank you, Chris. You as well.
This is how you wear a tie, okay? Any simple tutorial online or having a father of appropriate social standing would have taught you that. I think that Chris's tie is thinking outside of the box. My dad was a manager of a best buy. Walter, I'm optimizing my tie for better synergy with my net.
There is a reason that people wear suits to get respect, okay? Oh, you mean like all the respect we have for you. Exactly. Yeah, you get it. Exactly. Suits are a scam, man.
Made in the Philippines. You know what else is made in the Philippines?
Don't care. News flash, call the news people. The Bermuda trying. Sam, what are you doing? Fashion. You know, I can play this game too, all right? See? It's not helping anybody. That should be our slogan. Huh?
Totally fashion, right? Totally profession. Maybe I'm... Then we need less discipline. Hey, Walter, we should sell Sam's fashion tips. Totally profession. Do you have poor fashion sense?
Don't sweat it. Sam Super also does. Kids are here to help. Why? Buy some fabric. Two, buy a bedazzler. Fine. Three.
No dress code. We're gonna be slobs forever, all right? Make your outfit sing.
Grandma's jewelry isn't a thing of the past anymore. So, fucking great meeting everyone. Just like amazing work all around.
I just need to glue it. Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | shonda_talk_show_snl | Coming back to Shonda, our topic today: Is he cheating or nah? please welcome Jasmine, who says she is fed up with her husband, Jerry, and suspects he may be stepping out. Mm-hmm. So tell us what's going on, Jasmine. Hey, Shonda, I am just fed up, girl.
I do everything for this man. I cook for him, I clean, I take care of the kids, I even wash his funky, dirty drawers.
Ooh. he sounds like a D-o-g, dog. Dump his ass. saying he doesn't appreciate you, Jasmine? Not at all. all he does is sit in front of the Tv like a dang zombie.
I just want to say, you are beautiful. if you was my lady, we wouldn't need no Tv. thank you. there are still gentlemen. All right, so. So, Jasmine, why are you still with this bum? Because he wasn't always like this, Shonda. he used to take me dancing, hiking, and we had sex all the time. Okay, okay, and what about now? Now, he's always tired, and he doesn't even do anything. so he must be getting it from somebody else. Mm, and what do you want to say, Ma'am? honey, there is no excuse. that man is no good, and you need to dump his ass quick. Mm. Well, girl, you know our audience is always gonna tell it like it is. So what do you hope to find out today? Shonda, I do everything for this man, and he gives me nothing. So I just want to know, is he cheating or nah?
Well, let's bring that dirty cheater out. All right, let's go ahead and bring out Jerry. Boo. nope, with this. Okay, so Jerry, Jerry.
Jasmine says you two are not intimate anymore. Mm, broke my damn neck. right, and you know what, that's really cool, Yeah. No, no, it's not cool. I still have needs, maybe you can't hump, but you can still go downtown like you used to. So I broke my damn neck, slammed down on me. because I liked it, take the compliment. Oh, wow, do you want to add something, ma'am? No, I do not.
Okay, well, that's our show, folks. No, I still have questions. if you're not cheating on me, who are you losing all that weight for? you stopped feeding me. this is messed up, I'm gonna go pray in Spanish. Okay, then why were you out all night last week? Chair battery died. See, go on, go on, get y'all for this mess, excuse me. Oh, mm-mm.
Well, Jasmine doesn't know this, but Jerry has asked the show for a paternity test on their two-year-old son, Jerry Jr. Oh my God, are you for real? I ain't my kid. Now, why do you suspect Jerry Jr. may not be yours? he's black. because my grandfather's Italian. Also, I ain't got it up in five years. you don't have to be hard to make a baby, right, y'all?
You go, girl. I tried. Well, we have the test results if you want to hear them. I do. Yes, please, read them.
Okay, when it comes to two-year-old Jerry Jr. Jerry, you are not the father of it.
I knew it, I knew it, I'm free, I'm free. You know, let's take a break, and when we come back, you know what, we're not coming back.
What is this? |
dropout | high_in_another_country | Have you ever done one of these before? No. Bye. Have you ever found yourself lost in an unfamiliar place while high out of your mind? Mm-hmm, yeah.
Two secret stoners will attempt to hide their high and not get picked out of their study abroad program. Is she okay? Through a series of challenges, a group of citizens will try to sniff them out and eliminate them from the game. Look at his eyes! If the stoners can pull off the citizens one by one from the last two standing, they win. This is paranoia.
What is your first name and your relationship with me? Alex Griffin, er, sorry, just Alex, started smoking with my friends from high school. I just kind of just never looked back. My first name is Mono.
I probably smoke weed once a week. Maybe twice a week. You know what? Maybe twice a week. No, usually I like to only smoke it once a week or twice a week because then it feels like a treat.
Take a look at the card and then show us what it's in. Oh, man. Lucky day.
Got the stoner. Stoner. Each round, the stoners will select a player to eliminate from the game. The other players include three square citizens, a narc, who can find out whether a player is stoned, and a medic who can choose one player to protect from elimination. They can even choose themselves as long as it's never twice in a row. Hidden in the group is one poser, pretending to be high and taking the heat off the stoners to help them win.
Have you ever grabbed your bonnet before? Yeah, yeah, definitely. What do I do? Oh, really, really milking it there. This is stupid. Go, buddy. That was crazy. I think I just got high.
Hey, everyone. How y'all feeling? Weird. Glad everyone took their blindfolds off except for mom. I thought it would be like, now's the time.
Today, whether you're looking for a mind-expanding cultural experience or a ketamine-fueled group sex behind a famous church, you've done it. You're studying abroad in Florence, Italy. Unfortunately, two of you got crazy high, and you will now have to navigate your way through a huge language barrier in a brand new country.
That's right. Look around, because two of you are incredibly stoned. Should we get this game started? Yeah. Is it possible I solved it already? We have some snacks for you guys. Very authentically Italian snacks. Yeah.
Someone splurged. Feel free. Pick at it. Don't feel like it'll make you look high.
You guys are fine. Okay. All right.
Let's jump into our first challenge. In 15 seconds, you need to write down five Italian cities. Go. How many? Five. You have 10 seconds left. Five seconds remaining. Four, three, two, one.
Pen's down. Damn, I'm good. Let's see what you each got. All right. We'll start with you, Dave. Not very worldly.
Rome, Florence, and Venice. Great. The three greats. Good handwriting, though. Alex? I got Rome, Naples, Venice, and Florence. Great. Joe? I should have been better than this. I got Florence, Rome, Sicily, and Verona. All right. George? Florence, Rome, also Verona.
Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome.
I did Florence, Rome, Venice, and then I saw Verona near us in Nairoz. Oh, wow. Oh, I wonder if that honesty is a fake honesty to throw us off later. Oh, shoot. Wow. Yeah. Olivia?
I got Rome, Siena, and the city of P. All right. I may have made some up. I have Florence, Braga, Luca, Cinque Terre. Florence, Braga, Luca, Cinque Terre, and Rome.
Can someone please look this up? Is this more your relative? Mano, what do you got?
I went with Florence, Rome, Naples, Milan, and I put Vatican. Is it like a government thing? No, it's technically non-part of Italy. It's kind of its own territory, right? Yeah, yeah. It's a district.
Would Jeopardy give that to me? Probably not, absolutely. Jeopardy wouldn't give you shit.
Yeah, that fucking sucks. It's a real sticky. Sajak would give it to you in a harsh way.
All right. I love you all. At this time, close your eyes. Stoners, open up your eyes. Find each other. Who would you like to eliminate immediately? Great. Close your eyes. Let's see. Let's talk to the narc. Who would you like to know about? All right. Close your eyes. Let's talk to the medic. Who would you like to save? Everyone wake up.
Italy's great, right? You've already made new friends, some of them better than others.
George, you've made some terrible friends. Fuck. And you've been kicked out of the study abroad program. You don't get to say anything. Come with me. It'll suck. George is kicked out.
You get to go sit up in that lovely cabana. How do you think you did as the poser? Not very well, because the people are supposed to help voted me out first. How did that make you feel? The closest thing to a poser I've felt in a long time.
Do we have any feelings? I have tons of feelings. I have feelings on the breadsticks.
Joe is exhibiting some classic stoner behavior, to be fair. He has not put down his water. I know. And he's smashing breadsticks, which are objectively bad, which do not taste good. Joe smoked Molly by accident. Are you going to accuse him?
I definitely, like, you know, mean... I mean... Oh, my God.
You could be throwing us all in. You are killing us. He could be a poser right now. No. It's not a poser. Everything that you're saying is a bad idea.
I think we should probably focus on her. I do think there's a lot of eye reddish and... Yeah, I see an eye risk.
And immediately, when, you know, Gabriel said, I think I know who did it, I feel like I did too and I think it's you. All right, okay, okay. Do you have anyone, like, is there any reason why... Like I said, like, I found it super helpful.
Mano is getting a little too involved. He's starting to seem like possibly a stoner. Also, he did drink, like, most of his water bottle before any of the snacks came out. I did notice that, like, a large amount of hydration had been consumed by him. I know Mano personally. I've been to his house twice a week for a year. The dude drinks a giant...
Thank you. He just takes fluids in. What are you guys up to twice a week? Exercise. Thank you for testifying. I love drinking water. It's hot as hell.
As for leads... Yeah, I mean, Joe is a big one. If I had smoked weed, I would be fucking ridiculously incompetent right now. Like, where you would be like eating breadsticks in 100-degree weather. No, I'm fat. I just love breadsticks. To be fair, Joe's baseline is pretty close to stoner. I knew you were gonna say that when we were on camera. You are the giggliest person I know.
I think we're forgetting who had the least amount of cities on their board. All right. Well, wait a second. Geography's not my strong point. You can't knock me on that one. Olivia, who do you think that? I mean, Alex, man, you're not saying anything.
I got four out of the five. You know... Alex, you look like you've been sitting there going, if they pointed you, say, I got four out of the five. If they pointed you, say, I got four out of the five. That's my defense. It could be one of those smart stoners who get smarter. Oh, yeah. Maybe you knew ten. And then when you got high, you said, that's four.
No, no, I don't think I'm that. I'm not that worldly.
I think we're going for the city of P. Come on. All right, you guys got to make a decision. Are you gonna put someone up or are we gonna move on? I'd like to put someone. Yeah, you want to nominate who? I'll second that. All right, guys, the city of P. I don't have a strong defense other than I think... other than I think Joe or Dave. I got to go with you guys. I think you guys have shown more than me.
That's all you got? That's all I got. That's it.
Do you want to get on the deck now? All right, everybody. Eyes closed. Hand out in front of you, please.
To send Olivia out of the game, raise your hands. Olivia, you have unanimously been sent out of the game.
What were you? The narc. Yeah. You were the narc. Yeah. What? All right. That's terrible. You're the stoneriest narc ever. That's... Oh, no. Is it possible the narc's high too or...
Nope. No.
Man, I guess I just don't do well into that kind of pressure. I got put on the spot. I didn't think people were gonna go for me, but, you know, I think it was the city of P. that really did me in. Damn it. That was true because that's why she was a bit, maybe a little bit more nervous. She was like, I have a role, so that sucks.
So the stoners have already killed someone. That doesn't suck for you because you're the stoner though.
No.
Let's hop right into our next challenge. You are starving and have stumbled into the best smelling Italian restaurant you've ever been to. Yeah. But they seem to be out of every pasta but one. You need to name pastas without repeating until you figure out what is orderable. Oh boy. Let's start with you, Dave.
Noki? Noki.
All right. Did someone say aglianati? No. They didn't. What the fuck is that? I don't think you guys are underestimating my Ginzones. Yeah. Like name five cities and you're like, next up what do you want me to rattle off cold cuts? I got all day. Had someone said pappardelle? No. Yes. Anybody say managut? My gosh. Lasagna. Hey. Nice.
What the fuck is it called? Asinidi fucking, you know, the one thing that they put, I don't know. What?
The little balls. The little balls that go in the soup.
Mots. Do the Jew foods. I'll get that. You got ten seconds to come up with one. Hey, Jew foods some other day. Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two.
Tortellini. Ziti. Hostina.
Bow tie? Is bow tie inside?
It hasn't. Fajole? Okay, that's a slur. That's a soup. The pasta was Fregula. They were out of everything except Fregula at this restaurant.
All right, let's go back and do another round. Everyone close your eyes. Two stoners. Open your eyes.
Who would you like to send home? Great. Let's talk to the medic. Who would you like to save? Great.
Everyone wake up. Last night in the dead of night. The Italian dean came in.
Dave, she sent you home. You can't say a word. You got to just leave. Enjoy the VIP cabana.
I was hoping to coast on my already stoner looks. I thought maybe the stoners would keep me around and kind of deflect. I think I should have pushed my instincts a little harder. It's down to five people with two stoners, and we're not sure if a poser is in there as well. So this could be the last round. I think Mano is a stoner or poser or something. I'm totally down to defend myself.
I don't think it's me. I think it's... I don't feel anything from you. So I think it's on this end somewhere. That makes me think it's both of you.
Completely deflecting. These two are just kind of like, hey, if we just gang up and accuse everyone else. That is a little snipey to me.
Yeah. Christine has jumped on whatever two other people have said since the game has started. No. Yes. Olivia. Oh, yeah. Olivia. Oh, yeah. It's out. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Jo is.
I thought a lot of people had, like, she came out and she seemed a little stoned.
But I think if you want to make a nomination, go ahead. I'm not saying I feel that strongly. I'm just... I'm trying to rattle you. I would.
I would like to hear a rebuttal from you. Christine. So formal nomination and a second of who? Christine? Let's hear it, Christine. Make your case.
I am not the stoner. I feel like at this point, even if I try to defend myself, unanimous, like, there's more people who are on the stoner side than there are on the citizen side. Possibly. I can say that I've touched one pretzel.
I've barely drank any of my water. He drank so much water.
I mean, I feel like these... You're going to have to stereotypes right now. Are you saying the white guys are... Of course. I mean...
You're despicable. The first person you guys helped send away was a woman. You were the one pushing it the most.
Because I don't have any biases. Gender rights. I don't see gender rights.
We've traveled a lot in this rebuttal, and I appreciate it. Your time is up. This could be the last round, so this vote really matters.
Everyone, please close your eyes. Hands out in front of you. Raise your hand if you want to send Christine home. Hands down. Eyes open. Christine, you've been saved.
Cool. Mono. Are you serious? Can I nominate Mono? All right, Mono has been nominated. Who's second? I second. Mono, 30 seconds.
Yes, it's not me. Please don't send me away from study abroad.
Because I'm one of the good people, I'm passionate about making this game win, and I think it's so fun if you keep me in because I have knowledge, I have expertise. Yeah, and I think I've done some stuff in the past that's proven I want us to win.
Cool. Great. What do you all think of that? I don't want to sound like a stoner, but we all have breast pockets. Great. That's exactly what I wanted as the answer to that question.
All right, everyone close your eyes. We're going to blind vote for Mono. Hand up in the air if you want to send Mono home from study abroad. Hands down. Eyes open.
Mono, you have been expelled from study abroad. No. I'm sorry. What were you? Fine, great. A fucking stoner. Get off of my set.
I knew from second one. You took your mask, got turned to me, and I was like, oh, boy. I think I did pretty good. I probably could have calmed down a little bit. I had just been trying my best to adopt that position and make my brain think I'm the citizen. I got too into being that thing, and then people clocked me for being like, we get what you're saying.
Great. Let's move on to our next challenge. Pop quiz, a short man in a big hat has parked his scooter next to you and keeps repeating this Italian phrase. What is he asking? Go. Five more seconds. Four, three, two, one. Great. Pens down.
Let's see what you guys thought it was. I guess it was, hi, American.
Are you a bait bus driver? A bait bus driver.
Great. Hi, American. I don't know near, I don't know, house. Great. Wow, thorough joke. Hi, American. Try my delicious breadsticks.
With the necks. Yeah, with the necks.
That's how you spell it. Yep. Hi, American. Can you close the door? Wow. Not that close, sorry. I didn't mean to give you that response. I'm sorry. Very wrong. It says, hi, American. Are you looking for drugs? Oh. Yeah, so breadsticks.
We're all closed. All right, everyone close your eyes.
Let's go into our final round. There is one stoner remaining. Who would you like to send home? Great. Close your eyes. Medic. Who would you like to save? Great.
All right, everyone wake up. Last night. Some stoners broke into your dorm room. Someone here, their room was broken into, but the medic was able to save them.
No one has been sent out of this game. All four of you are still here giving you a very much fighting chance. It's up to you right now. What is your vote?
Joe, you were the only person who didn't like lean forward and was worried during that entire like her saying something. That's Joe's whole vibe. But yeah, I'm starting to think it's him.
Yeah. All right, is that an official second? That's an official second. All right, Joe, you have 30 seconds uninterrupted.
You can talk about breadsticks. You can talk about everything.
Definitely not me. I'm a citizen. And I, you know, I'm probably thinking out to you. That's the stoner. But, you know, I mean, I guess we're going to vote on me. But, you know, I wouldn't do that because I'm not a stoner.
So, you know, like. All right. Cool.
Well, everyone close your eyes. Hands up if you think Joe is a stoner. Hands down. Eyes open.
Joe, you're safe. You're absolutely safe.
We continue to go. Let's vote. Let's nominate.
So, it's her. I nominate Christine. Yeah, I nominate Christine.
You have a formal second. You have 30 seconds if you want it. You have been on the chopping block for the work.
I feel like because I'm a little trigger at being like to accuse people. People assume that I'm a stoner, but I am not the stoner. I'm just like a see something, say something citizen. You know what I mean? I'm seeing things. I'm saying something. And that's being held against me.
Classic Trump's America. Wow. All right. That's great.
Everyone close your eyes. We're going to blindly vote. Hand up if you think Christine is stoned. Hands down. Christine, you've been unanimously voted out.
What were you? I was a citizen. What?
I wish I was stoned. Here we go. Make your way to the damn cabana. I think people were getting for me because I was getting for a lot of people. I definitely came out with like guns of blazing being like, I'm not stoned and I have no power. I'm going to take everyone down who I think is a stoner. And I think that really played against me.
This is the final round. Mathematically, either side can win.
Close your eyes. Here we go. Stoner. Who would you like to send home? Great. Close your eyes. Medic. Open your eyes. Who would you like to save? Great. Close your eyes. Eyes open.
I'll be honest with you guys. At this point, one of you is a stoner. One of you was a medic. And one of you was a citizen. Last night, Gabris, you were sent home from the study abroad program. Meaning the stoners have won. This guy's a stoner.
Yep. I knew that in the beginning. I knew he was.
I just couldn't get in. No one was getting on board. We were voting everybody else out.
Oh, look at an armchair fucking paranoid and black. I knew the whole time he was the guy that did stealing bread. Man, I wish I could have kept mono in for a little bit longer. I didn't mean to like all of a sudden that he got on him.
But, you know, we both won. So, you know, it works out.
Do you have any plans for the rest of the day? Are you going to do anything?
Probably smoke more. I really fucking dropped the ball. I truly at that moment thought that, again, Joe was the stoner. Joe is sort of like without weed.
He likes to snack. He likes to laugh. He wears flip flops and shorts all the time. The dude, he like broadcasts stoner. But then you realize, like, he's just going to be giggly, red-faced, and smashing down breadsticks. Oh, man, I like breadsticks.
Did you like that episode of Paranoia? When there's a whole season coming to dropout.tv.
Sign up for your free trial today. And like, I think it's so fun if you keep me in because I have knowledge. I have expertise.
Yeah. And I think I've done some stuff in the past that's like proven I want us to win. Cool. Great. What do you all think of that? I don't want to sound like a stoner, but we all have breast pockets. Great. That's exactly what I wanted as the answer to that question. All right.
Everyone close your eyes. We're going to blind vote for Mano. Hand up in the air if you want to send Mano home from study abroad. Hands down. Eyes open. Mano, you have been expelled from study abroad.
No. I'm sorry. What were you? Fine. Great. A fucking stoner. Get off of my set.
I knew from second one. You took your mask, got turned to me, and I was like, oh, boy. I think I did pretty good. I probably could have calmed down a little bit. I had just been trying my best to adopt that position and make my brain think I'm the citizen. I got too into being that thing. And then people clocked me for being like, we get what you're saying.
Great. Let's move on to our next challenge. Bakuiz, a short man in a big hat, has parked his scooter next to you and keeps repeating this Italian phrase. What is he asking? Go. Five more seconds.
Four. Three. Two. One.
Great. Hands down. Let's see what you guys thought it was. I guess it was, hi, American.
Are you a bait bus driver? A bait bus driver.
Great. Hi, American. I don't know near, I don't know, house. Great. Wow. Thorough. Joke. Hi, American. Try my delicious breadsticks.
With the necks. Yeah, with the necks.
It's very cute. That's how you spell it. Yep. Hi, American. Can you close the door? Wow. Not that close, sorry. I didn't mean to give you that response. I'm sorry. I'm excited. Very wrong. It says, hi, American. Are you looking for drugs? Oh. Yeah.
We're all close. All right. Everyone close your eyes. Let's go into our final round. There is one stoner remaining. Who would you like to send home? Great. Close your eyes. Medic. Who would you like to save? Great. All right. Everyone wake up.
Last night, some stoners broke into your dorm room. Someone here, their room was broken into, but the medic was able to save them.
No one has been sent out of this game. All four of you are still here giving you a very much fighting chance. It's up to you right now. What is your vote?
Joe, you were the only person who didn't like lean forward and was worried during that entire, like her saying something. That's Joe's whole vibe. But yeah, I'm starting to think it's him.
Yeah. All right. Is that an official second? That's an official second. All right, Joe, you have 30 seconds uninterrupted.
You can talk about breadsticks. You can talk about everything.
Definitely not me. I'm a citizen. And I, you know, I'm probably thinking now it's you. That's the stoner. But, you know, I mean, I guess we're going to vote on me. But, you know, I wouldn't do that because I'm not a stoner.
So, you know, like. All right. Cool.
Well, everyone close your eyes. Hands up if you think Joe is a stoner. Hands down. Eyes open.
Joe, you're safe. You're absolutely safe. We continue to go.
Let's vote. Let's nominate. So it's her. I nominate Christine. Yeah, I nominate Christine.
All right. You have a formal second. You have 30 seconds if you want it. You have been on the chopping block before.
I feel like because I'm a little trigger happy, like, to accuse people. People assume that I'm a stoner, but I am not the stoner. I'm just, like, see something, say something citizen. You know what I mean? I'm seeing things. I'm saying something. And that's being held against me.
Classic Trump's America. Wow! All right. That's great.
Everyone close your eyes. Finally vote. Hand up if you think Christine is stoned. Hands down. Christine, you've been unanimously voted out.
What were you? I was a citizen. What?
I wish I was stoned. Here we go. Make your way to the damn cabana.
I think people were getting for me because I was getting for a lot of people. I definitely came out with, like, guns of lazing being like, I'm not stoned and I have no power. I'm going to take everyone down who I think is a stoner. And I think that really played against me.
This is the final round. Mathematically, either side can win.
Close your eyes. Here we go. Stoner. Who would you like to send home? Great. Close your eyes. Medic. Open your eyes. Who would you like to save? Great. Close your eyes. Eyes open. I'll be honest with you guys.
At this point, one of you is a stoner, one of you was a medic, and one of you was a citizen. Last night, Gabris, you were sent home from the study abroad program. Meaning the stoners have won. This guy is a stoner.
Yep. I knew that in the beginning. I knew he was.
I just couldn't get in. No one was getting on board.
We were voting everybody else out. Oh, look at the armchair fucking paranoid and black. I knew the whole time he was the guy that did stealing bread.
Man, I wish I could have kept Mono in for a little bit longer. I didn't mean to like all of a sudden that he got on him.
But, you know, we both won. So, you know, it works out.
Do you have any plans for the rest of the day? Are you going to do anything?
Probably smoke more. I really fucking dropped the ball. I truly at that moment thought that, again, Joe was the stoner. Joe is sort of like without weed.
He likes to snack. He likes to laugh. He wears flip-flops and shorts all the time. The dude like broadcasts stoner. But then you realize like he's just going to be giggly, red-faced, and smashing down breadsticks. Oh, man, I like breadsticks.
Did you like that episode of Paranoia? When there's a whole season coming to dropout.tv. Sign up for your free trial today. |
TheOnion | Will_Louisville_Be_Able_To_Recruit_Elite_Prostitutes_Without_Pitino | Got some hot sweat coming at you. Rick Pitino was fired today for his role in a bribery scandal which leads me to ask, will this hurt Louisville's efforts to recruit elite prostitutes? I mean think of all the great prostitutes that were part of that program over the years. They were all there because of one man, Rick Pitino. And now he's gone. A lot of those top end call girls who normally would have been locks to become Louisville Cardinals are going to start looking at programs like Kansas, Michigan State, UNC. I'd say Louisville's in real trouble folks because if you're not bringing in those elite, best-in-the-nation hookers, you're just not going to contend for championships.
Alright, moving on. Are there any NFL players who want to take my daughter to homecoming? Take them calls. Alright, apparently we've got some kicker on the phone right now so I guess we need to talk to him now.
Yeah, any reason you're calling? I just had this scheduled in my calendar, ready to talk football. Okay, well thanks for calling in I guess. Any chance you're around someone more interesting? Maybe a position player we could talk to or even a team doctor, really? No, I'm just at my house. You're a big fan of the show, I really... Alright, thanks for calling in.
That was some kicker from the Detroit Lions or the Eagles or whatever. Alright, coming up, will Bill Kower ever return to scowling? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bob_katter_on_racists_and_rednecks_dressing_up_like_cowboys | You've got a big electorate, and you've got a lot of industry, different industries that you've got to kind of come into bat for. But as we all know about Australia, Snowy River, the cane fields of Mackay, there's a lot of diversity that comes with that. So you've got a pretty diverse electorate.
I guess you could say you've got black, white, all kinds of walks of life running around, all different colours and backgrounds. You're all cowboys, you know, as you say. You're not exactly white yourself. How do you feel about these white blokes from the suburbs running around with a cowboy hat telling people to get out?
The most popular interview I ever did in 42 years, I don't know, I think I've been on 60 Minutes six, seven times. The most popular interview I ever did in my whole life, one of my mates had said, you know, beauty deprived women come to Mount Isa. And the next morning, you know, she said to me, Mayor Maloney has been called upon to resign.
He's a national disgrace. And I said, not only is he not a national disgrace, he actually has an Akubra hat named after him. Which I haven't, which always pains me, but I haven't. You know, it's Lee Kearney getting the honours John, which is John Maloney. And so he is a national icon. There's no question about that. I'm Duncan Akubra named after him if you're not.
The third one is the famous Rough Rider. And Kenny Coleman was the greatest Rough Rider in Australian history, in my opinion.
But anyway, but she said, you know, he's been called on his national disgrace. He's a national legend, and everybody knows that.
And I said, you know, we're sick and tired of you people. Every time you want an image for yourself, you go running around in the drawers, a bone, you know, the Akubra hat on and Aaron Williams boots. You know, when you want an image for yourself, oh, you all want to be like us, right? But for the rest of the time, we're all redneck cowboys, you know. And we get belted up by you as we're being belted up at the present moment. And we're a bit sick and tired of you hypocrites and hoaxes. I get a massive wave of young people coming saying, beauty, good on you, bash those mongrels up. Same sentiment in Batutah as well. We're sick of people pretending to be bloody cowboys. |
SaturdayNightLive | hbo_mario_kart_trailer_snl | Hbo's the last of Us is a hit, proving a video game can become a prestige dystopian drama. this spring, Hbo is doing it again with another iconic game. it's been 10 years since our kingdom fell. The only thing we have left? Hope. I have important cargo I need smuggled to Rainbow Road. people say you used to drive? people say a lot of things. you got a name? it's a me. Mario. So what's the cargo? not what. who? she's a princess. at least she was. until he took over. we'll never make it on foot. you won't have to. let's A-go. From the Producers of the last of Us and the master storytellers behind Mario Kart's 1 through 8. What's it like out here? carrying out here isn't a game. if we're gonna make it, we need all the help we can get. it's a Luigi time. everything on this road wants us dead. What is that thing? Goomba, Senshi and fungus with shoes for legs. all your favorite wacky racers reimagined as complex, dramatic Hbo characters.
I'm Yoshi. I'm bisexual. name's Doug. Also, I'm bisexual.
Hbo picked the wrong game to do this with. Rave's variety. Yeah, this ain't it. And it's the New York Times.
You eat that poison? it makes me feel big, Okay? I need to feel big. because Bowser's out there. And he's the main bad guy. we're out there in our carts. Woohoo! I love this! I need you to. trust me. hold on!
I'll get you to Rainbow Road. is that shit on my six? you can dodge it! No, it's red. What if we crash? This little guy in a cloud comes and uses a fishing pole to put you back on the road. Oh, okay. |
cracked | help_us_make_the_best_kickstarter_video_ever | Hi, I'm Tom Broadside. You probably know me from my independent film, Memories of Tomorrow. Or as Benny from Lawyers. But to tell you the truth, a part of me has always wanted more.
And that's why I'm here on Kickstarter. I'm going to be asking you to help me fund the kind of movie or movies that I've always dreamed of making. But before I can do that, I'm going to need your help now to fund the Kickstarter video of my dreams.
See, I... We couldn't get a second camera for it? Okay. See, I want donors to know that I'm serious and what could possibly be more serious than the world's first million dollar Kickstarter video. I mean, you see what I'm working with. Who is going to shell out big bucks for my movie if all I can bring to the game is a green screen? Some... whatever these black cloth things are. A frankly unskilled camera operator.
Uh, hold on. Hold on.
Really? Alright, let me know. Is this really happening or is this because of what I said? Got it. Alright, you're the best. This is the worst and you deserve better than the worst.
I'm going to be asking for your money and your trust. And I want to do that the right way. But in order to, I'm going to need your money. Trust me. But hey, sorry, that one's on me. But hey, you don't want to hear me talk about how I want your money. You want to hear what you get for paying me to tell you how I want you to give me money.
For $10, you're gonna get a copy of the Kickstarter script. Ooh, don't want to show too much. For $25, you'll receive a high-quality print of the video's concept art. For $75, you're gonna get a list. Print it out.
I don't have one here.
Of all of the incentives we're offering on our next Kickstarter video. And yes, I know what you're wondering. There is a description of what the movie the Kickstarter project is going to be for is about. Genre and logline.
Pretty good. Sorry, we got a cut, guys.
Okay, all right, I got just a couple seconds here. What do I got, huh? Hey, did you watch this video in a zip file? It's filed, but it could be like a file. I don't actually know what's in here. Oh, I had the drive to subscribe to crack's channel using my cellular phone. That's not really as good.
Part of me has always wanted more, and that's why I'm here on Kickstarter. I'm going to be asking you to help me fund the kind of movie or movies that I've always dreamed of making. But before I can do that, I'm going to need your help now to fund the Kickstarter video of my dreams. See, I- we couldn't get a second camera for- okay. See, I want donors to know that I'm serious, and what could possibly be more serious than the world's first million dollar Kickstarter video. You see what I'm working with. Who is going to shell out big bucks for my movie if all I can bring to the game is a green screen, some whatever these black cloth things are, a frankly unskilled camera operator.
Uh, hold on, hold on. Really? All right, let me know. Is this really happening or is this because of what I said? Got it. All right, you're the best. This is the worst, and you deserve better than the worst.
I'm going to be asking for your money and your trust, and I want to do that the right way. But in order to, I'm going to need your money. Trust me. But hey, sorry, I- you- that one's on me. But hey, you don't want to hear me talk about how I want your money. You want to hear what you get for paying me to tell you how I want you to give me money.
For ten dollars, you're going to get a copy of the Kickstarter script. Ooh, don't want to show too much. For 25, you'll receive a high-quality print of the video's concept art. For 75, you're going to get a list. Print it out.
I don't have one here.
Of all of the incentives we're offering on our next Kickstarter video, and yes, I know what you're wondering, there is a description of what the movie the Kickstarter project is going to be for is about. Genre and logline.
Pretty good. Sorry, we got a cut, guys.
Can we cut? Can we start kicking your butt? Let's cut.
Roll sounds, roll cameras, and action. Okay, all right, I got just a couple seconds here. What do I got, huh? Hey, did you watch this video in a zip file? It's filed, but it could be like a file. I don't actually know what's in here. Oh, I had the drive to subscribe to crack's channel using my cellular phone. That's not really as good. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_new_boyfriend_talk_show_snl | Welcome to the New Boyfriend Talk show, starring me, Zach, and my sidekick, Mom. hey, sweetie. hi, Mom. Okay, so my mom dates so many awesome guys that one day I thought, hey, maybe on Sunday when they wake up, I should interview them before they hit the road. I asked for permission and she said yes. that's because no matter who comes out of mommy's bedroom, you're still my number one guy. Awesome. So, Mom, why don't you tell us about today's guest? Sure. his name is Mike-something, and he works as a Cd organizer at Borders. Okay, very cool. please welcome Mike. hey, little Buddy. how you doing, man? Welcome to the New Boyfriend Talk Show. yeah, great to be here.
Okay, first question. I gotta ask, it's on everybody's mind. are you my new daddy? Whoa, I, uh, you know. I know you can't comment on that. I had to ask.
Okay. so, we have something in common. we're both huge fans of Mom. Oh. oh. yeah, yeah. I know it. she's a cool lady. give me an example. uh, alright. uh, alright, well, uh, on the car ride home, uh, she's just a cool lady. Awesome.
Okay. now, Mike, I'm not sure if you're aware, but this is a very special day for us here at the show. Oh, yeah? why's that, Sport? because this is the New Boyfriend Talk Show's 100th episode. What? what was that? Wow. it just creeps up on you, that 100, huh?
Congrats, Zarky. I couldn't have done it without you, Mom.
100? I'm the 100th guest? No, no, no. this is the 100th episode. there have been about 130 guests, right, Mom?
Oh, honey, I don't know. sometimes I think you remember these guys better than I do. I'm sure I do. it's been a great 100 episodes, so let's take a look back at some of our favorite memories from the New Boyfriend Talk Show. give me just a little more time to show you memories. was that Joaquin Phoenix? Yeah, that was a weird interview, but it turned out he was faking it. Yeah, he wasn't the only one. Yeah. well, we've had a lot of fun, but we've also dealt with some serious issues. that's why I'd like to take this time to give a special shout-out to all of Mom's boyfriends who are currently serving overseas.
Oh, my God. Zach, sweetie, I've also got a surprise for you, honey.
And the four months since we started- wait, that's all over in four months?
Well, a few big stars have dropped by, and some of them took time out of their busy schedules to send in messages. let's take a look. Gene Simmons here. congrats to everyone at the New Boyfriend Talk show. keep it real, and keep it moist. This is Vern Troyer saying the new Boyfriend show is Zach and Shagadelic. Hey, Magic Johnson here. I had a magic time on the New Boyfriend talk show. Zach and that lady are our dream team. Go Lakers. Yeah, Magic's a real friend of the show.
Oh, no, oh, no. Oh, boy.
So, Mom, who's our next guest today? wait, there's someone else today? Oh, yeah. we also got two bands coming.
And also, I burned the egg, so it's cookies for breakfast. Yay! |
ClickHole | this_choir_s_rendition_of_christ_cometh_to_my_house_and_eats_all_of_my_food_is_absolutely_stunning | Christ cometh to my house, and he eats all of my food. The Son of God opens up my window and falls inside my house. He says, Behold, I'm Christ the Lord, and you know why I'm here. Let me get my hands on your incredible groceries. Jesus opens up my fridge and eats all of my food.
He eats an entire head of lettuce and all my uncooked hot dogs. He eats a whole jar of mayo. Christ calls my mayo rotten, frosting, and says it's his favorite food. He crawls around my living room looking for more food and tells me I am going to hell because there's no food under my couch. He comes back to the kitchen and gets one whole jar of pickles. He squirts the sauce into his mouth, and he screams it came from the skies.
The Son of God eats my hands. The Son of God eats my heart. The Son of God eats my hands, and I think we're going bad.
He picks up a whole eggplant and says, What the hell is this? Before I can even answer, he just eats it anyway. He opens up my fridge to reveal my grand roast turkey. Christ eats the whole roast turkey while he looks at pictures of my dad. When the Lord has stripped the bird of all its meat, he puts the turkey bones in the microwave and sets it for 12 hours. He says I'm allowed to do this because I died for your sins, and that's why I get a microwave turkey bones in your house for the whole damn day.
Then Jesus kisses me on the knee and he whispers in my ear. He tells me that I'm not allowed to be Christian anymore. He kicks down my front door and then he crawls back out my window. I don't know why he'd kick the door down if he was just going to think out the window. Jesus crawls across my lawn and climbs in his sedan. He drives away so slowly at 12 miles per hour. There are camps dragging me on Christ's sedan, and his window says just Mary.
And there's no food in my fridge, and I am thinking of the blessing God must give on to the world. To nature, when the Christ child was born. In a time so long ago, before my dad could drive. |
dropout | the_guy_who_likes_every_sports_team | All right, I'm heading out for the day. You want to grab a beer? I was trying to get sober, but why not?
You guys going to check out the game? I worked in Minnesota for a year, so you know I love the Vikings. Oh, well, what game? Take a guess. I can't tell.
The Boston Red Sox, man. That's my team. I thought you liked the New York Yankees. Yeah, I love the Yanks. How can you like the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox? It's the greatest rivalry in sports history. Two amazing teams playing one amazing sport, baseball. I love baseball.
Right, but people are territorial about sports, man. That's what makes them fun. Oh, yeah, don't get me wrong.
I got hometown pride. I was born and raised in Evanston. That's why I got to rock my Blackhawks gear. My mom's from Kansas City, so I'm reppin' them Chiefs.
And I just moved to California, so you know I got to respect the Los Angeles Clippers. And of course, Los Angeles Lakers, baby. And who could forget the Golden State Warriors? Boom. Wait, no, that's Shark Tank Team. Hold on. The Golden State Warriors. Thumper, that's every basketball team in California. Except for the Sacramento Kings, AKA, my other favorite basketball team. Stop!
Here I am just going on and on about my teams, and I'm not even asking you about who you root for. Who do you guys root for? Well, you know, I'm from New York, so I like the Yankees and the Giants. Oh! Dude, I'm a die-hard New York Giants fan too, man. And I'm a die-hard Philadelphia Eagles fan. I wore a Victor Cruz jersey to the link last year.
I beat the shit out of myself. You beat the shit out of yourself.
Oh, sports alert. The Padres beat the Dodgers, baby. Pay up. Ooh, the Dodgers lost to the Padres.
Looks like I owe somebody some money myself. I'm going to Venmo myself $6,000.
Thumper, are there any sports teams you don't like? I hate the Green Bay Packers when they're playing my Chicago Bears. But I also hate the Chicago Bears when they're playing my Green Bay Packers. What would you do if they played each other, Thumper?
I'm a legit Aaron Rodgers cheese head right here, man. Brett Favre, legend, great Wranglers, and Bart Starr, he was a goddamn hero. So the Packers. But Jay Cutler is one mean SOB and totally underrated as a quarterback. He's one of my favorites, along with Aaron Rodgers, Joe Flacco, the Manning brothers, all of the NFC, and Mike Ditka. Duh Bears!
Never thought of it like that before. It's just that I've always looked up to the guys on the field since I myself can't play sports on the account that I have a muscular disease. So seeing those guys out there, I see my childhood dream in each and every one of them. My childhood dream that was shattered when I was diagnosed with the aforementioned muscular disease.
I'm so sorry. We didn't know.
Yeah, you have a muscular disease? Yeah. And hepatitis A through C, a couple of palsies. I have Osgood Schlatter. And you know that thing when your tongue is real thick and white? I had that, a yeast infection. I'm John Gabris, Hollywood actor. Hope you had a few laughs. But just so you know, muscular disease is a serious issue. So click to subscribe. |
ClickHole | this_back_to_the_future_trailer_makes_it_look_like_the_story_happened_during_hurricane_andrew | We have a rapid intensifying cyclone here. You built a time machine out of a DeLorean? We may be into something here worse than what we thought. I came here in a time machine that you invented. Now I need your help to get back to the year 1985. All we can tell people is hang on. We've got to get you home.
Hurricane Andrew. Raise guns! Hurricane Andrew.
So you've got to get your father and mother to interact. Do not think that you are in any way safe.
Whoa, this is heavy. Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the Earth's gravitational pull? The sand is hitting us so hard that it feels like Phoebe's hitting your skin.
No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hills Valley. Yeah, well, history is going to change. Move to your safe spot.
Devastation with twisted metal, roofs blown off homes. You see buses tossed about like toy cars. It's a mess out there. |
ClickHole | watch_people_talk_about_the_first_time_they_had_sex | The first time I had sex, I just need a couple seconds.
Oh my god. Oh man.
The first time I had sex I was 16. 18. 17. I was 16 years old. I can't believe I'm telling this story.
I wanted to set the mood so I had this whole setup of candles and incense. Candles. So many candles.
Bloodhounds. I think I read in a magazine somewhere that guys like it when you nail 100 Oreos to the wall and spell out the word intercourse in cursive. A little salt in the bed. I was trying to be romantic but I had like no idea how to do that. We did it in the car.
My room. The room I called the kitchen, but not because there's food in there. There's not. My mom's friend whose name was the kitchen lived in there at the time. But he was out of town so we just had the whole room to ourselves.
We made out for a while, did some heavy petting, facial nudging. Nasal surfing. Chording. Vertical spooning. Chorfing. Our walls are on, but we were sitting on each other's hands making rival gang signs. We're doing radical cradles and oscillating fritter pumps.
Then the clothes came off. Oh boy. Then suddenly we were naked and he could see my titters.
And I could see his freeness and he could see my vagina and I could see his testers. I came from a conservative family so no one ever talked to me about sex or eating or big bald ass bunnies. I wore a condom and I've been wearing it ever since. For the first time staring at his fully erect teeth. Just a big jumble of arms and legs and hooves. Then I let him yawn in my ear. I think I'd read in a magazine that guys like it when you hold their junk like a microphone and deliver Alec Baldwin's speech from Glengarry Glen Ross. And I did that.
So this is the big moment and we're about to do it and I couldn't find the hole. Where the hell is that goddamn hole? I found the hole immediately and I climbed inside and waved to him from in there but I think he was too nervous to wave back at first or he didn't recognize me because of the darkness of the hole. It took a long time to find the hole but once I found it I came immediately.
I came immediately. Like boom. I did it! Yay! I had sex! And that was it. My first time.
And I'm still in that hole. |
dropout | Your_Overly_Complicated_Holiday_Plans | I am thinking about going out for Thanksgiving with my family in New York and doing Christmas with my girlfriend Izzy's family in Chicago. But we just found out that my sister's only gonna be able to be available the week of Christmas in New York. Let's see, right here, sister time, so. Okay, so then do Christmas with your family and Thanksgiving with hers. Wow. So, I'm thinking about going out for Thanksgiving with my family in New York and doing Christmas with my girlfriend Izzy's family in Chicago. Christmas with your family and Thanksgiving with hers.
Wow, really, so smart. Thank you.
But what you don't understand is that her family goes all out for Christmas. It is a production. They turn their house into like the North Pole. They hire a Santa Claus to come down the chimney. Guy died last year.
And Thanksgiving, they hate it. They say it's a trash, secular holiday. They hate the erasure of Native American genocide. Her grandfather was killed by a turkey.
So you're here going, okay, puzzle piece, how do we make everyone happy? Doesn't seem that complicated. No, it is. Yeah, you both have Christmas plans, so just do the holiday separately. You really do have a beautiful mind.
Like the movie? Like the movie.
Would that it were so simple. But it's not that simple.
Because the whole reason we're even able to find these places is that Izzy's uncle is a pilot who works for Delta. So if we're not entertaining her family's wishes for Christmas, how do I afford to even get to my family in New York in the first place?
You're confused. I'm gonna get my board, hold on. No, I don't want that. Okay, so here's what needs to happen.
Izzy and I go from Los Angeles to New York. From there, she drops me off, goes to her family in Chicago, comes back from Chicago to New York to pick me up to go back to Chicago.
It just seems like a lot of travel to go through for one holiday. Whoa, sorry, one holiday? Katie, this is just the first leg of the journey.
All right, Izzy's uncle who works for Delta is politically monstrous. So by the time he gets there Christmas Eve, I've gotta already be there to start debating him so that by the time Christmas dinner the next day rolls around, he is shut up once and for all. That is insane.
You can't make everyone happy with perfect holiday plans. Just like you. Like me, I'm staying here for Christmas even though my parents wanted to go to Hawaii, it seemed too complicated. They're upset and it's fine.
I'm so sorry, I actually admitted this. No, no, don't look at recent searches.
Ha ha ha, there's a JetBlue sale to Hawaii that leaves the same day we fly to New York so we can just drop you at the airport, that's fine. And then afterwards, you take two short red eyes to Chicago, meet up with us there and Izzy's uncle at this point will not wanna have anything to do with us so we got a rental car to get to Boulder where my friend invited us skiing and it would be so rude to turn him down. After Boulder, we take a quick little cruise to right here, there's your computer, and just hold that. Boom, perfect vacation. That's the middle of the ocean. Well, how else are we gonna see Lily's family on the cruise? This way, you get to see your family and everybody happy.
You're just pointing to Uranus. Yeah, my anus. What? But the point is this, by the time you do or don't go to Uranus, I'll be in the English Channel halfway across the world, fleeing from Izzy's uncle with a rifle because he's a gun nut. You'll be halfway done with your training for the Mars One mission. What?
And that way, it's a perfect happy, happy holiday. Tickets confirmed for seven flights, two Royal Caribbean cruises, application approved for Mars One expedition?
I should have never told you my credit card number was 6969.
Hey, if any of you guys are around this year, I'll be hosting a Friendsgiving potluck. Should be fun.
Brennan, no! Shouldn't be good for that tail, buddy.
I just gotta move some stuff around.
Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas.
Hey, it's Tao.
There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad?
Sign up for your free trial today unless you hate fun, which if you do, come to my party on Saturday. It won't be fun at all. |
cracked | yo_man_check_out_this_rocket_launcher_cracked_in_kurdistan_cracked_goes_there_with_robert_evans | Hey, I'm Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked. Robert Evans, I run the personal experience article team and have another job title, which I have forgotten.
You just went to Iraq, Kurdistan? Yeah, Iraqi Kurdistan. We took some home videos there, so this is basically just going to be a slideshow of my vacation to the war in northern Iraq. Welcome to the city of Erbil, capital of Iraqi Kurdistan. It's called Kurdistan. The Kurds live primarily in Iraq, Syria, Iran, and Turkey, and they're the largest ethnic group in the world that doesn't have a country of their own. There's 25 million of them, but they have a chunk of Iraq that they've kept relatively nice.
And they're not recognized as a country, so no one can give them aid. They can't take money, but they're on the ground. They function like a country.
There's something called the Halabja Massacre in 1988, which is when Saddam Hussein started launching chemical weapons into this town called Halabja and killed between three and five thousand people. Thousands of villages just wiped out, but they're still digging up mass graves to this day. And during that point in time, the only reason the world heard about what was happening is because Iranian and British journalists got footage of these massacres and then showed them to the world.
And that's what kind of kickstarted the Kurdish cause for independence. So unlike everyone else in the world, the Kurds really like journalists. And so they have these unofficial military fighters. Yeah, the Peshmerga. The two main Kurdish political parties each control about half of these guys. So it's like if they're a Republican party and the Democratic party split the military down the middle, and sometimes back in the 90s, they would shoot it out occasionally. Now they're banding together to fight ISIS. They're the one kind of military force in the world that's kicking ISIS's ass a little bit.
And one of the things that was so weird about it to me is they're all old guys. Like, not all of them, but a lot of them. Yeah, why is that?
You're a Peshmerga for your whole life. So there's a war on, and you spend 10 years fighting in the mountains. And then the war ends, and you go get a job, and you do that for 15 years. And then there's another war, and you're like, well, I'm one of the guys who knows how to do this, so I might as well get my gun and go back up there.
I met a doctor while I was there who told me a story of like a 71-year-old man who came in with glaucoma, or cataracts, sorry, in both of his eyes, like he couldn't see. And he needed to get his cataracts cut away. And the only thing he was concerned about was when am I going to be able to see again so I can go back to the front line and fight? He was like a 70-something-year-old man.
That's, again, some grizzled-ass sh-t. Grizzled-ass sh-ts. Me look like such a pussy.
He obliged to fight against our enemy. So that's General Hamid Afande. He's 84, 85 years old. He's been fighting as a Peshmerga since he was a teenager, well over 50 years. And now he's fighting ISIS.
Essentially, part of their military is like old guys coming out of retirement, sort of like space cowboys. There were young people, though, right? Yeah, yeah. One of the guys we met, who we'll call it a pseudonym wad, was a friend of my interpreter, who was, I think he was in his early 20s, he was going to college. And when the war started and things were going badly for the Kurds, he volunteered. And he got less than a week of training, pretty much just got a gun and a basic course and had to work with a bunch of people and set up on the front line. But they sent him back once things got stabilized. The older Kurdish officers we talked to made a separation between the Peshmerga, which were, again, a lot of them were older. And the civilians who joined up and volunteered, they appreciated it. But those guys clearly were not seen in the same light. And they wanted to get them off the field as soon as they could because they weren't trained fighters. They weren't ready to die.
Which is, that's what Peshmerga means, loosely translated into English. It means facing death or towards death, people who walk towards death. Wow, again, pretty bad ass. Yeah, no, they're definitely imposing some bitches. And they're unofficial to the point that you went over and they were like, hey, man, check out this rocket launcher we have strapped to this truck. Yeah, so they have problems. They don't have a whole lot of modern weapons. So what they've done in order to make the stuff they have more mobile is they've strapped their giant rocket launchers to the back of Toyota Hilux trucks.
We're less than a mile away from ISIS's front line positions. Mosul is about seven, eight miles away. Right there is a town on the outskirts of Mosul that is controlled by ISIS. If you see this page over here, they've attacked recently. And the Peshmerga in this position fought them off and have been fighting them off.
Just got the impression that they were going to do it anyway at some point. They had this thing ready and they were just waiting to go see if it worked. And they're like, oh, some Americans are here. This is going to be fun for them.
Come watch us try and blow up this concrete factory. Shattered every window in the vehicle like the instant it fired.
Seems like you liked these soldiers that you chilled with. Yeah, it's any journalist's job to try and keep as much impartiality as they can. And I don't want to be like tooting their horns too much. But they were just really legitimately likable dudes. The Peshmerga, not only were they super friendly and fun to be around, but they clearly consciously wanted to be fun to be around. They were talking like when they would talk about their religion or how much their faith meant to them, they'd also be like, but you know, we drink whiskey sometimes. I like to gamble. Like, we're Muslim, but we're not too strict about it. We're cool dudes. They're like the chill uncle. It's interesting.
Our interpreter, Iyar, told me a story that he felt bad a lot of the time because he wasn't fighting up at the front. He didn't volunteer. He saw his sort of service as doing this job, as taking journalists up to the front line and helping them get their stories and whatnot. He felt like that was the best contribution he could make. But he told me once that he was talking to one of the soldiers he met up at the front and said, you know, I feel bad when I'm having fun with my friends, when I'm back in town enjoying a night because I know you guys are out here fighting just a few miles away.
And he said, the older Peshmerga was like, well, that's why we're out here fighting is for you guys so that you can grow up and make something of this place. Like, we're out here holding the lines that this experiment can continue. They're fighting for their kids to have a chance to figure out stuff for themselves. Like, that was the overwhelming impression I got, was they knew that the times were a-changing. They weren't fighting that. They just wanted to make sure that their people were alive to keep changing with the times. They specifically said, we know that the times they are a-changing. No.
You told us you wanted to go to Iraq. I didn't just like send you there against your will. And in fact, I didn't want you to go at first. You explained to me something about Iraq that I didn't know that there, you were going to the nice part. I expected the nice part of Iraq to be a pretty low bar. I have like legitimately visited parts of the world on vacation that were less comfortable.
Like, I felt safe going out alone at night. My camerawoman slash fiance felt safe going out alone in the evening, unveiled as a woman, which we wouldn't have done her going out alone in New Delhi. There were like restaurants and bars and hotels and malls and like people drinking coffee in cafes on the street and like went going on dates and going to the gym, just like living a life that would have been perfectly recognizable to anyone watching this video.
Like I had 3G cell reception the whole time. And yet you never called.
I went to a liquor store that had one of the best whiskey selections and like a little corner store. They had Talisker and like four different types of LaFroyg, Glenfiddich, like... I don't drink whiskey.
It sounds like you're just making random noises with your mouth. How are the values over there in terms of like gender relations, you know, racism, things like that? Yeah, it's a weird clash of like modern and also like really old sort of tribal attitudes.
So women go around unveiled. My camerawoman was obviously a woman and she didn't wear a veil, was never looked at badly or anything like that. Our translator one day was a young woman who spoke Arabic. She wore yoga pants and like a t-shirt the whole time.
But she told me a story about when she's at university, she and her friends smoke cigarettes too, but they can't smoke with the boys because it's frowned upon for women to be smoking in public. So they have to go off into the trees a little bit to smoke. So like there's still that weird divide.
And we were sitting down, we had a wonderful lunch at one point. All these old generals and colonels and whatnot sat down with us and filled the floor up with like huge cuts of lamb and couscous patties and just delicious food.
And we all got to talking and joking and they started joking about how many wives each of them had. And this goes like, I have four, he only has two. Like a joke or they actually had. They said they actually had it and these were like older guys. And the younger guys would generally say, no, I just have the one wife.
Cause like one of the guys we met who was in just in his early forties, he coordinated airstrikes for the coalition. He's the guy firing the rocket in the video.
He had one wife and she lived, he and his wife lived in the UK and he would go over and fight for a while. And every now and then she would come back and fight. He had pictures of her on his phone with a machine gun. And she was watching the kids, but in a few days she was gonna be back at the front.
The president of the Kurdish regional government is a guy named Masoud Barzani and he's just overstayed his term in office. It's like if Obama was like, I'm gonna take another like six months guys. I just got some to wrap up. So he's not like being a dictator in the sense of the region. Like he's not like doing what Assad does and executing tens of thousands of people, but also overstaying your term of president is kind of a dictator-y thing to do.
Europe has taken in about 1.3 million refugees so far and it's caused like an uncountable political storm that's going on to this day. Like whether or not how many more we should take, this is too many. The Kurds have taken in 1.8 million refugees and there are only five million Kurds in Kurdistan. They're looking at taking in another one and a half million and they don't get internet, they're not a government. So they don't get aid from the US government in the forms of money normally. Like that's recently starting to change, but like for the last couple of years, they've been taking in millions or hundreds of thousands of refugees, essentially bearing the cost themselves just because it's the right thing to do. The other side of that is like we're worried in the US, we're taking in 10,000 Syrian refugees, something like that, maybe 20,000 and people are terrified, like what if a terrorist gets in? Well, the Kurds are worried about that too. Not only have they taken in an order of magnitude more people, but it's a lot easier for ISIS to smuggle a true believer into Kurdistan five miles away from their border than it is into the US.
We met a family while we were there who talked about how they'd lost like four family members to ISIS executions, three of them on the day of their wedding, like a mom and like a young bride and husband, and then told me that their 17-year-old son when they got to Kurdistan was just taken by the Asayesh, the Kurdish FBI basically, and they don't know what happened to him. They may never know what happened to him. Presumably the Asayesh thought that he had joined ISIS, it was sympathetic. Maybe he was, because they told us that he had been working. He was the only one in their family who had a job who was bringing in money, and they didn't seem to have like who knows what was going on, and it's possible, like they certainly believed he was innocent and were very like broken up about this, but there's really no way to know what was happening, and with another one and a half million people coming in from Mosul in a flood all at once, like it's not, stories like that aren't gonna become less common.
So overall, what would you say your impressions of that part of the world were? This is the only time I've ever felt hopeful. The only news I've seen out of that region of the world that makes me feel like not only is someone gonna beat ISIS, but the people who are gonna beat ISIS are like definitively better than they are and better than what came before. Like it's a decent group of people who are winning in that part of the world and keeping civilians safe at the same time. That's nice. Yeah.
Hey everyone, thank you for watching that brand new personal experience video from Robert Evans and the personal experience team. It's a brand new division of the site that we're launching. We're gonna be doing a lot more personal experience videos in the future, so stick around.
I have nothing to add. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_leather_man_saturday_night_live | Hello, welcome to the Leatherman. can I get you into some leather? Um, no, I'm just looking. you have a nice store. yeah, if you like leather. but I don't like leather.
I love leather. those pants are 100% beautiful. And 100% you. And 100% a leather.
Trust me. I like these pants right here. do you have these in my size? I don't see them here. perhaps in the back.
Choo-choo! Yes, Leatherman. Choo-choo! This very beautiful young woman would like to try in some size, uh. size 6 pants. size 6? Choo-choo! Good win. These pants are pictured like a glove. they're made completely out of elephant ear. sumptuous. elephant ear? Yeah, it's very breathable. they keep the hot side hot, and the cool side cool. hot! Thank you, Choo-choo.
I'll take it from here. Adios, Amigos. right this way. there's nothing to hide when you wear leather. it's like a sack of skin. Choo-choo! eventually, you feel like you're buck naked. you learn to love it. and it makes you feel kind of. Choo-choo! the way it goes might up. if that's what you want. what did you say? it's not important. leather is important. just try it on. my, my, my, just living well. Leatherman!
How did those Edwardian boots work out? Oh, they're beautiful.
I never should have doubted you. Well, I know my leather. what can I do for you today? I'm compelled to buy a wedding present for my mother. well, is she registered here? Of course.
Choo-choo! Take Judge Lindenwell to the Bridal Registry. Please! Well, am I right? or am I right? Well, you know, actually, they're a little tight and noisy. that's leather's way of letting you know it likes you. it wants to get closer to you. don't be shy. let it. walk for me. walk for the leather. Choo-choo! Walk!
What are you doing? Yeah, I'll barter. barter? do they still do that? Back to school. Hey, kids! What's her problem? that line usually works. hey, she didn't pay for those pens. |
SaturdayNightLive | people_pleaser_support_group_snl | I love that shirt, Celine. you do? I hate it. it looks stupid on me. yeah, no, you're right. that's what I was gonna say. I love it, but it's stupid.
Okay, okay, let's get started, then. Everyone, welcome back to the People Pleasers support group. Oh, it's so good to be here. thanks for having us. Yay, we're back. And not everyone needs to talk at once. Oh, no, totally. totally not. everyone can all be talking with me. Yeah, you're all here because you're terrified of conflict, so you agree with literally everything everyone says. But we're here to heal. Who wants to share?
First today? um, I'll go. this week, my boyfriend wanted to go out to dinner, but I already ate. so what did you do? I said, sounds great. I'm so hungry. I'll drive unless you want to. either way, no worries at all. No, totally. that's what I would have done. it's fine to have two dinners, so.
No, Charlie, like we said last week, sometimes you have to be assertive and say no. Yeah, no, totally. that's actually what I was thinking. I bet that's not what you did. No, you're so right. I did not do that. because I could not do that. Sorry, I'm dumb. Oh, don't call yourself dumb.
I mean, unless you want to, then no worries. No, Mike, it's not no worries. that's a phrase we try to avoid, along with, oh, good. Either way, no, totally, And I'm fine with whatever, Angel. Mike, why don't you share? Oh, okay.
I've been really wanting to break up with my girlfriend. yeah, you've been saying that for a long time. you need to dump her. Yeah, but we've been together for so long and she really understands me. Yeah, no, you can't break up now. love is so important. But I decided breaking up was the right thing to do, so I sat her down to do it. that's great. how did it go? it went really well. I proposed and we're getting married. is that good?
No, I think we all know that's not good. Okay, who's next? Hey, Sam, Buddy, do you want to maybe tell us about your new hair? Did you go to the barber and they said they had an idea? and you knew it was bad immediately, but you just watched them do it, and then you said, i love it, thank you. But can I say something about defense? I gave them a huge tip. Okay, who's next?
Where is Sarafina? hey, everyone, I'm sorry I'm late. I got hit by a car, and I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry, Car. I hope you're okay. All right, Sarafina, why don't you share?
Okay, well, I hate my job, so I need to quit. But they give me great health insurance, and it's so nice of them to pay me. Well, she has to stay for the health insurance.
No, of course, what if she gets sick? how about we try a role-play exercise? Charlie, can you play Sarafina's boss? uh, death-o, unless someone else wants to. Otherwise, yes, or whatever's fine. Sarafina, let's say Charlie is your boss, try asking him for a raise. Okay. okay, hi.
I need a raise. Um, no, totally. I'll give you that raise. Sorry, I'm such a bad boss, you can have my job. No, you're great. I'm doing bad as an employee. you should totally fire me. No, no, no, no, you're so amazing.
I'm so sorry. No, I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you, too. I'm sorry.
I'm dumb. No, I'm dumb. you're smart. No, you're so smart. we are both smart and stupid. I'm the company's Ceo of the company, And, look, you're both so amazing, you should have my job.
I don't deserve it. I'm resigning. All right, stop.
What happened there was bad. in that exercise, everyone lost their jobs. Well, I think they did their best.
Yeah, and I agree, if that's okay with you. I think our work is done here. let's all say that People Pleaser's prayer of deference. God grant me the serenity to say no, but if you're too busy with heaven, then no worries. Amen or amen, whatever you prefer. |
cracked | we_figured_out_how_much_it_would_cost_to_run_jurassic_park_movie_math | Welcome to Movie Math, where we task our crack team of PhD-holding Internet scientists to exhaustively research the questions that really matter, like how much cake they eat in Marie Antoinette, the Sevilla Coppola version. Today, we'll be looking at a time when dinosaurs ruled the box office in Jurassic Park. This film presented an incredible vision of humans interacting with these wondrous creatures in peace and harmony.
I'm just kidding.
A lot of people get eaten, like a lot of people. It's a bloodbath.
In the original film, the park never actually opened due to, you know, all the death and hubris. But we here at Cracked asked ourselves, if the park did open, how much would it actually cost to feed all these dinosaurs? And before we get started, I just want to say, even though most real scientists don't know exactly how much a dinosaur would eat in a given day, all of the information I'll be presenting is 100% factually accurate.
I'm talking scientific, peer-reviewed shit, all right? Who are the peers that reviewed this? The other people who work at Cracked, this beloved comedy channel that refuses to die. And yes, we are all paid in Slim Jims. Let's do this. Hold on to your butts.
To begin, there are many different versions of the Dino Park to discuss. We got two film trilogies, an animated show on Netflix that no one asked for, numerous video games, and multiple books that I have not read because they have no pictures. And mama likes colors and shapes. The first film in the series was famously based on Michael Crichton's 1990 novel. That book and its film adaptation were grounded in a semi-plausible set of scientific ideas. But that changes pretty quickly. And by the time we get to the Jurassic World movies, they're just making up crazy new dino boys that have literal superpowers.
That's not even mentioning the third movie where a raptor talks. Alan! Fun fact, the guy who wrote JP3, Alexander Payne? That man has several Oscars for screenwriting films. Jurassic Park 3 is not one of them.
Today, we'll be focusing on the first movie in the series, Jurassic Park. Just the first movie.
Can you guys actually listen to me before going off in the comments? I don't want to hear, oh, you forgot about the ketoacidosis of primordial Jurassic proto-reptiles. Shut up, nerds!
So let's separate the carnivores from the herbivores, focusing first on our meat lovers. We'll use Kleber's Law. Kleber's, sounds like beavers, but it's not, has nothing to do with him. Kleber's Law, named after Max Kleber for his biology work in the early 1930s, is the observation that, for the vast majority of animals, an animal's metabolic rate scales to the three-fourths power of the animal's mass to determine the daily caloric needs of each species. Then, multiply that result by the number of each animal type on the island. Last, we'll add them all together.
First, we got Galimimus. Scientists believe a Galimimus could weigh up to 490 kgs. Using our formula, that means that one big G would take down over 16,000 calories a day. In the movie, we spotted about 24 of these, meaning that this group alone would require over 384,000 calories of food a day. Next up, we have the Dilophosaurus. She's the little cutie that spat in the face of the bad man from Seinfeld. Fossils found of this breed of dinosaur went all the way up to 400 kgs, meaning that if this dino gets her subs in, she'd need to consume about 9,000 calories a day. 400 kgs? That's like 800 pounds. And it was 20 feet long?
In the movie, she fits in the front seat of a Jeep. Beginning to wonder if this movie is scientifically accurate. Then, we have the dinosaurs that certainly gave me the most nightmares as a child, the Velociraptors. These highly intelligent animals could hunt in packs, open door handles, and yep, they had feathers. Yeah, okay, sweet Jesus, yeah, I see why they lost the feathers in the movie. Beyond the feathers, the average raptor was actually much smaller than what was portrayed in the film, only about 43 pounds, so they'd only need 280 calories a day. Skinny little bitches. That cow that gets fed to the raptors in the movie, it'd decompose long before these guys would ever finish the leftovers.
You know what never goes bad? A Slim Jim. Apparently, the animal protein in Slim Jims comes from feathers. I read that on a comment from our last movie math video, so probably true.
Last, but certainly not least, we have the big boy himself, the Tyrannosaurus Rex. The average T-Rex could be up to 40 feet long and weigh over 15,000 pounds. With our calculations, that means that this dino would be looking to snack on around 45,000 calories a day, which, when you consider Jurassic Park takes place over the course of like a long weekend, our T-Rex eats a goat, a lawyer, a Glimimus, just way more than she needs.
Why is she eating like that? What's going on, girl? Wanna tell me something?
To be fair, I ate like that after my divorce, so I think it's the captivity, like show whales rebelling against the trainers. Just goes to show you, all zoos are evil. Name me one zoo that isn't evil in the comments. I dare you. Take down big zoo with some power flocking.
All told, our carnivores require a combined daily caloric intake of about 438,204.25 calories, or about 5,500 Slim Jims. God, can you imagine getting over 5,500 Jimmy boys a day? I'd be rich. If we assume the average cost of a Slimmy in the US is a dollar, that means it would cost about $5,500 a day, or $2,007,500 a year, to keep those lizards fed.
And to those out there saying you shouldn't feed animals in captivity processed food every day, all day, it's inhumane, blah, blah, blah, blah, to that, I ask, have you seen Tiger King? Those guys fed their tigers old hot dogs and dumpster beef all the time, and it worked out fine, mostly. I've been doing this 20 years and never even been fed. Now that we've gone over our carnivores, let's talk about our salad crunching queens, the herbivores.
The very first dinosaur we see in the film is the Brachiosaurus. Our calculations come out to this Brock baby needing around 60,000 calories a day to survive, which makes sense. The Brachiosaurus was one of the largest animals in the history of our planet, weighing as much as 28 tons. There are three seen in the park, meaning that they'd require about 180,000 calories a day to feed all of them. Then you have the Triceratops, which needed even more calories because just one of them needs 70,000 calories a day. There's a reason those piles of dino crap in the movie were so big. Lastly, we have the Parasaurolophus.
I hate saying that.
With about 10 of these in the first film, this group would have a daily caloric intake of 400,000 to 600,000, which means that our herbivores have a combined caloric requirement of around 650,000 calories a day. You may be thinking to yourself, okay, but they just eat grass and bushes. How hard is it to feed them?
First of all, hey, shut up. This is my show, okay? What do you know about grass and bushes? Nothing, right? So sit down and let me speak.
Secondly, these animals were alive some 153 million years ago. Prehistoric foliage was a little different than a pathetic little bitch baby plant you have sitting in your apartment window. Want to know why her leaves are wilting so badly? You're overwatering her. Touch the soil. Is it sopping wet? You're literally drowning your plant, okay? In order to feed these animals a vegetable diet that would be compatible with their digestive tracts, you would have to reverse engineer foliage from that time period. Let me put this in context.
A small hydroponic farm can yield about 40 heads of lettuce per foot per year. At Jurassic Park, you'd need nearly 1.4 acres of hydroponic farms growing this stuff nonstop year-round. If the average cost of one foot of hydroponic farm equipment costs a thousand dollars, you're spending $89,312,500 a year on gear alone. Also, if you're wondering why I'm using heads of lettuce in this example and not a veggie slim, it's because you can't grow a Slim Jim, you idiot. Also, a hydroponic farm doesn't run itself. Let's assume you pay an agronomist $80,000 a year and you need one for every 1,000 feet of your farm.
That's another $4.8 million on labor. That's on top of all the R&D you'd need to do to even figure out how to grow a prehistoric bush or whatever. Let's assume that costs, I don't know, $15 million. Based on the principle of, shut up, none of this exists anyway, you nerds. Which means, all said and done, you're looking at paying a little less than $80 million to feed the vegetarians.
Yeah, you thought the meat eaters were going to be the problem. Guess again. Of course, a dinosaur may also be perfectly fine eating modern bushes. How would I know? I make jokes on the internet for you to watch on your lunch break.
Based on these heavily scientific calculations that are completely unimpeachable, mathematically sound, and in no way fudged, smudged, or nudged, the total price of feeding all the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park is $81,120,000 a year. Of course, this all comes before the rest of the operational costs and expenses needed to run a dinosaur theme park. Which begs the question, if this is how much it costs just to feed the animals, how do places like Animal Kingdom and Disney actually generate revenue? Oh yeah, they pay ride operators around $60 an hour and they make around 250 mill just from parking.
So, I guess the answer is parking. I'm Britt Miggs. This was Movie Math. This is Sparky.
If you like this video, you might like more of our other videos. We're doing more of these video essays.
If you want us to cover a topic, let us know. If you have a comment commenting on my looks or how I do things, go fuck yourself. |
dropout | america_sucks_less | This country sure got problems, corruption, crime and drugs And though we try to fix the world, the world just hates our guts But for all our woes and troubles, I still love the U.S. Cause compared to the rest of the world, America sucks less They call us all polluters with our hummer SUVs But in China you can taste the air and it tastes like iPhone 3's You may hate our politicians and protest what they say But think about how much it sucks to be Russian and gay Our Congress can't do anything, our senators are goons But at least they were elected and their name's not Kim Jong Un Japan makes better cars than us, games and cartoon shows But I saw the Cove on Netflix, huh, and that was pretty fucked up, bros America, I love you, I'm out of necessity You're not too hot and not too cold, most benign disease Compared to the alternative, you're probably the best Cause the whole world sucks, but America sure sucks less Our economy is tanking, but we're not as fucked as Greece Our fast food is disgusting, but Italians eat maggot cheese The NSA is spying on our emails and phone calls But good luck finding Wi-Fi in some village in Nepal Brazil is full of riots, Australia's full of snakes Mexico got cartels and their water makes you shit for days Dubai is just Las Vegas without alcohol or fun And Africa's in a post-colonial tailspin of genocide and oppression I am so sorry for everything you guys have to deal with, moving on America, I love you, though you're run by old white men Republicans are assholes, but at least they're not the British We'd probably get a solid fee if they gave the world a test Cause the whole world blows, but America sure blows less America, I love you, though you're like a murder spa You're working and don't come in, and you're most of valid laws In a world of mostly shit, America stinks the best Except for maybe Canada, you guys have a pretty good thing going Cause the whole world sucks, but America sure sucks less |
dropout | how_to_neg_your_parents | Ah. A text. You never want to respond to a text immediately. The less interested you seem in her, the more interested she'll be in you. You know, the same tactics used to manipulate women into sleeping with you can be used to make your parents love you even more. That's right. I'm nagging my mom. If you're constantly in touch with your parents, it's nothing special. Talking to you is just a part of their routine. But if you act disinterested or unavailable, suddenly they feel lucky every time you acknowledge them. So if they send you a text, don't respond. If they leave you a voicemail, send them a text. Now you got them hooked and craving that check-in phone call.
When it finally comes, they'll shower you in that sweet, sweet parental love. Hey, Mom. Honey, I- You know what, Mom?
Something important just came up. I actually have to get out of here. But we just started. Wait a minute. Another fun option is to pit them against each other.
If your mom answers, ask for your dad. If your dad answers, ask for your mom.
Get them both concerned that you love one more than the other. Their only option is to love you even more.
Oh, hi. It's you. Hey, Mom. Is dad there?
Oh, yeah. But you mean after we talk? Nah, just put them on. Oh. Um, darling.
Telephone. Hey, son. Haven't heard from you in a while. Once you got them on the phone, keep them hooked by evoking the strongest parental emotion of all. Worry. Hey, dad.
Yeah, things have been a little crazy. I haven't been sleeping well. Have you been eating enough? I don't know. I gotta run. Notice how I was vague, so my dad had to use his imagination to fill in the gaps.
Am I ill? Am I on drugs? Why do I sound so tired?
Now you got them thinking about you all the time.
I'm just dealing with some health stuff, okay? Health stuff? What do you mean, health stuff, son?
I gotta go. Honey, we're worried about... After stringing them along for weeks and ignoring their concerned emails, finally make a visit home. Oh, wonderful. A surprise visit establishes you as the guest of honor and makes your siblings look like shit. Goodness. Little pocket change for my big guy.
Don't tell your mother. Certainly won't.
Now, you're the busy one who decided last minute just to make a trip home because you love your parents so much. Might as well have come home from Afghanistan. Sit back, relax, and enjoy nagging your way to the top.
Um, just since everyone's here, we want to announce we're pregnant.
Oh, that is wonderful. Oh, thank you, Mom. |
TheOnion | 13_Year_Old_Drinking_Prodigy_Accepted_To_Ohio_State | And then coming up later in the hour we'll be comparing paper towel brands, so you should probably find something else to watch then. But first the story of the incredible Tyler Morgan. Let's take a look.
If he looks different than the other students on this college campus, it's because he's only 13 years old. But the amazing young Tyler is already consuming alcohol on the level of someone twice his age and his talents have gotten him accepted at Ohio State University. The school says the decision to admit him was a no brainer. He's impressive. As soon as we saw him pounding back Coors Light, falling all over himself and puking, we knew this was someone who belongs at the Ohio State University.
Wow. We are lucky to be joined today by the little prodigy himself, along with Tyler's parents, Jack and Christine. Good morning, guys. Thanks for having us.
Tyler, most kids your age are in middle school and probably think that alcohol doesn't taste good, but not you. Yeah, I like to drink liquor, beer, or whatever. There's way more beer at college than I might have. I'll bet there is. Mom and Dad, you guys must be so proud.
When did you know he wasn't like the other kids? He was pretty early on. It looks like he can remember. He's always just wanted to drink and drink and he was always so loud, always so obnoxious. And eventually, Ohio State took notice.
Right, your professors and classmates, everyone there at OSU says you just fit right in. You must have a lot of new friends. Yeah, I'm just like everybody else. I go to class, I show up wasted, I leave early.
Wow. So many impressive moments. You're active in a fraternity, you've streaked at four baseball games, you've broken an arm falling off a house, you've even made the wall of shame at a hooligans. That night was stupid crazy. That was a special day.
So what's it like raising a son as special and as unique as Tyler? He's really something else. I mean, we're not big drinkers or anything. Sometimes it's hard for us to keep up with him.
I'll bet it is. All right now, Tyler, we want to see some of this remarkable talent ourselves. How about some beer pong? Hell yeah. Okay, the standard house rules, no elbows, two re-racks, bitch cups, NBA Jam rules.
All right. Oh. Wow. Send it back. All right. Damn it. Oh, finally, it's our turn. All right, Tracy. Okay. All right, I'll start.
What's up? You want to play? Come on, let's get fucked up. So young and yet so disgusting. Yes, sister. We're worse. Check this out.
Slam dunk. OSU.
Is a monster. Well, thank you all so much for being with us. I can't wait to see what amazing problems lie in store for you. Hey, you stick around because later we're going to tell you how to walk past that clothing store with a mannequin that terrifies you. Stay with us. |
cracked | if_online_gamers_were_honest | Sergeant Jackson, 85, report for duty, and I'm taking the Sergeant in my name way too serious. Yo! The hand machine 7 is online, bitches, and exactly as excited now as I will be furious later. Torture Vic Tom, signing on and hoping everybody notices the clever wordplay in my screen name. I vaguely remember you from last week. My name is Tom. Pro Gamer, 219-34-176264, underscore Gamer Fun 263, signing in late and awkwardly she warning in a story about my girlfriend, so you all know that I have one. That's hot. We actually have a lot of issues that I should be dealing with right now, but for some reason it's more important for me to get validation from all you guys. Let's start before we actually have to have a conversation.
Racist! Slur! I find racism indiscriminately humorous. That's why you're my racist slur.
You're shot by a guy, and it was totally fair, but I wasn't really taught how to process my anger, so I just can't stop screaming! Is this slurby trippin'? I am white, I am a caucasian man saying these things. When I tell my co-workers stories about my friends, I'm actually talking about you guys, and I'm starting to worry about how comfortable that feels. Pro Gamer, you made a mistake, and even though it's a common one that we've all made in the past, I have completely lost respect. I only know what like 60% of these buttons do. Nobody's perfect!
I just wanted Guy for- are there four in the back? I'm gonna go ahead and throw out a blanket accusation of aggressive homosexuality all around. I literally had to ask the clerk at the game store what game is men by. I'm thinking a lot about homosexuality lately, like dwelling on it.
Cover your flank, cover your flank! Come on! I'm whole! Do what I think!
What? You're kidding me! No! Oh! Shoot.
We have lost, gentlemen, but do not hang your heads in shame, because I'm going to say some things that may seem inspirational, but, given the context, could not be more meaningless! I was just killed, and listen to how mad I am! I'm a grown man! I'm going to have a heart attack at age 45!
Gunfirefan86 has joined, and I love shooting Nazis, but I have to pretend I'm a boy, so you all won't hit on me in the grossest way possible. What's up, gay racist slur? How's your wiener? How's your wiener, man? |
Wizards_with_Guns | every_phone_commercial_without_ryan_reynolds_ | I'm gonna keep this real simple. D Wireless has unlimited talk, text, and download, all for the price of a hat. Hold on, when you say unlimited, that's right, no contract or hidden fees, all at the price of a hat. And how much is that? You get all that for the price of a hat and unlimited phone. I mean, how much money is it? Like, how much is a hat? The cost of a hat, that you would pay for a hat, it's all that unlimited. But how much is that?
Like, there are different hat types. You don't have to buy a hat. You don't have to give us a hat.
I'm gonna keep it real simple. No, I'm not confused. I just wanna know how much the service costs in dollars.
Get him out. Get him out of here, I don't need him.
What did he say? I didn't hear what he said.
Kill him. What, kill me? Did he ask someone to kill me?
Oh my God. That's a knife. Dude, was that for me? Somebody dropped that? Who did that? Who dropped that?
D Wireless has all your favorite phones.
You're just not saying how much it costs. Like, a baseball cap is $16, but like a nice, like a cowboy hat, that's way more. And like a military helmet would be $1,000. It's not $1,000. It would never be $1,000.
Drop a sandbag this time. Oh, Jesus. You missed, try again. Who's up there? Nobody's up there. This was a mistake.
What, the commercial? Did you even have a script? Huh? I mean, did you have anything prepared? Hmm? Are you, you're ignoring me.
Oop. Thought I heard a owl. Ah, ah, are those my keys? You hit him, keep going. Where's the little Captain Jack Lego that was on my key chain? Keep that, I want that.
I'm just gonna go. No, don't leave, do not leave. You can't leave. Look, I'm sorry. No, don't leave, you can't leave. If you leave, we have to start over. You can't just edit me out? No!
I'm gonna keep this real simple. D Wireless has unlimited talk, text, and download, all for the price of a hat. That's fine, that's fair. No contract, no hidden fees, all at the price of a hat. No questions here. I just know. Ha ha ha ha, that's right. Call now for a free quote. All it takes is the length of a car ride. Okay.
Call it off. I said call it off, call it off.
D Wireless, cause a phone in your hand is worth two in your bush. God dammit. They're my friend. I know exactly. Did he ask someone to kill me? Oh my God. That's a knife. Was that for me?
Somebody dropped that? Who did that? Who dropped that?
D Wireless has all your favorite phones.
You're just not saying how much it costs. Like, a baseball cap is $16, but like a nice, like a cowboy hat, that's way more. And like a military helmet would be $1,000. It's not $1,000, it would never be $1,000.
Drop a sandbag this time. Oh! Jesus! You missed, try again.
Who's up there? Nobody's up there.
This was a mistake. What, the commercial? Did you even have a script? I mean, did you have anything prepared? Are you, you're ignoring me.
Thought I heard a owl. Ah! Are those my keys? You get him, keep going. Where's the little Captain Jack Lego that was on my key chain? Keep that, I want that.
I'm just gonna go. No, don't leave, do not leave. You can't leave. Look, I'm sorry. No, don't leave, you can't leave. If you leave, we have to start over. You can't just edit me out? No!
I'm gonna keep this real simple. D Wireless has unlimited talk, text, and download, all for the price of a hat. That's fine, that's fair. No contract, no hidden fees, all at the price of a hat. No questions here, I just know. Ha ha ha ha, that's right. Call now for a free quote. All it takes is the length of a car ride.
Okay, call it off. I said call it off, call it off.
D Wireless, cause a phone in your hand is worth two in your bush. God dammit. They went from the back. I know exactly. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_37_julie_bishop | Well, here we are in Melbourne City as we are now halfway through the Batutah advocate road show It's um, it's been a great time So if I get to see everyone and meet everyone and see these different cities around the country Had the road show in Hamer Hall last night in Melbourne It was a great hit and it's great to see The city really at this time of the year because it's really popular It's quite a European city complete with the the Sun setting at 9 p.m and of course the Victorian architecture and the irrational fear of Migrant gangs It's it's been great time. We've got to really see what makes these people tick but Before Melbourne, we got the red eye from Perth, didn't we? Yeah, it's good to be back on the road show good to be out here in the here in the heart of Culture in Australia as I say we're heading up to Adelaide next and then from there, we're heading back to the East Coast we're heading back to Canberra Sydney and then Then wrapping it up back to the desert. I reckon from there. That sounds like the plan but Perth is an interesting place yesterday Before we caught the red eye in Perth. That's an interesting place It's obviously we got to learn what Bernard was singing about all those years sunsets over the beaches and Cottesloe Beach Is a very nice part of the world. It's we don't have a place like that in Batura actually No, we don't but we're working on it. But um, but while we were in town while we were up in the triangle there in Perth the Cottesloe Peppermint Grove and wasn't Park area. We thought it was pertinent to meet up with their local member Yes, Julie Bishop. She was very kind to give us give us half an hour and and it was it was actually quite an interview because obviously a lot's happened in her party and a lot in the Australian government over the Last year and she was actually quite free and it wasn't really as guarded as a lot of the politicians with any No, we spoke to her for quite a while about our the responsibilities of being a local member being a backbencher because she hasn't really been in this position since you know that the days of Howard when when when she first became a minister so she's uh She's taking the skills that she's learnt from being a foreign minister and just and she's taking them back into her electorate Yes, and of course a great negotiator So when she's dealing with the voters that we kind of ran across down there in Cottesloe I'm sure she has to negotiate a lot Because it's it's a beautiful part of the world and people don't want it to change and that is kind of the ethos of Perth so I strap yourselves in and I have a listen to the following interview with the former foreign minister and one of the big power brokers of the Liberal Party Julie Bishop MP You Well here we are on halfway through the Batutah advocate roadshow we're currently sitting in Cottesloe Beach in the lovely lovely coastal areas of Perth and We're sitting with the local hero and local member Julie Bishop.
Thanks for joining us Welcome to my beautiful electorate and look at that beach out there and the perfect weather you're in heaven It's amazing. There's no waves. That's because of that island. Yeah, that's because of Rotnest Yeah, yeah No, you can you can surf out there as you can see plenty of people on their paddle boards and a bit of body Surfing but it's a perfect day. Perfect day.
Yeah, it doesn't really compare to Lake Burley Griffith. Does it? It's a little different from Lake Burley Griffin in middle winter. You're right.
Yeah now we notice you got one watch on You only keep one watch on because you kind of dealing with Canberra time a lot as well We did the flight from the East Coast and it's not something we really like doing that often and you do that Often often. Yeah, three our time difference is a real killer and I wish we had daylight saving here in Western Australia. But as you know, it fades the curtains and Upsets the cows that are being exactly so you can't do it but the three hour time difference does make it challenging because just as you're getting up everybody's halfway through the morning and Just as you're getting into the day everybody's going home, but the flight time can vary between you know three and a half four or five hours depending upon the headwinds tailwinds and It takes a hell of a lot of time out of your day But when I was foreign minister, I was doing a lot of traveling overseas So the Perth to Canberra flight seemed like a walk in the park.
Yeah Have you missed anything important on that flight in your career? Have I missed anything as in I've been on a plane when something exciting happens to be in Canberra Something's happened. Maybe they've changed Prime Minister since you've been sometimes it's a good place to be. Yeah. Oh, sorry I would have got back to you, but I was on a plane, you know So it can be it can be a two-edged sword. Do they let you use your mobile phone on the on the comp lines? no, the new flights overseas Have Wi-Fi and then suddenly you're lying there and big a message comes up I think ten the family but we still don't use mobile phones on planes across the country Yeah, now you've recently returned to the backbench.
Yes for the first time in how many years? 16 so that was back when Howard that was I became a minister in 2003 yeah, and since 2003 I was either a minister or Shadow Minister or cabinet minister and how does that make you feel heading back to the backbench to see kind of how Busy, the the a lot of you know Parliament is like you you've got a lot less on your plate now well, I'm busy in a different kind of way of Redoubled my efforts in my electorate because I'm here more often and people are aware of that So they're making appointments and coming up with events and inviting me to plenty of things So I'm really busy I've also had a lot of invitations to do things overseas as a former foreign minister, and I think that's great It shows the regard which Australia is held in the eyes of the international community And so I've been busy but a different kind of busy It's good, and I'm comfortable with the decisions that I had to make so how does how different is it to wake up each? morning and have a dossier on your desk from you know the head of the spy Agencies to the AG Minister to having to hop up now and just going for a surf. I couldn't possibly comment on the Intelligence briefings that I received every morning, but I can tell you it's great being able to go for a run And be down here at Cottesloe in the mornings It's as I said it's a different kind of pressure obviously a cabinet minister and the foreign minister has to be on top of So many issues and of course I'm still interested, but not to the same extent. I don't have to Answer the media. What am I doing today? I don't have to answer the media every every moment There's been a coup culture in Australia over the last 15 years and to the point as I mentioned where Fiji is looking a lot more stable compared to us where they've had two prime ministers democratically elected over the last decade and we've had five Three democratically elected and seven prime ministers all together. What do you think it is do you think it is? The 24-hour news cycle kind of spooking a lot of maybe Technologically illiterate old men.
Well, that's one way of looking at it I think that after the stability and certainty of the Howard years, he was Prime Minister for 11 years There was quite a shock when Kevin Rudd who was virtually unknown before 2006 now became the labor leader and then won such a significant victory in the 2007 election and Kevin had stratospheric popularity according to the polls, but his own side did never really like him or really trust him and When Julia Gillard took on his job when if essentially the first coup if you like it lowered the bar for the reasons that you could move against a leader and They could never articulate what it was that Kevin had done they just didn't like him and That became a good enough reason to remove the Prime Minister or a leader and we've seen it successively on the labor side and on our side and now if you lose the support of the party room, then you can be removed as leader and Nobody ever actually articulates what it was that they did or didn't do that caused that to come about Well, we spoke to Kevin a couple of weeks ago for the launch of his book well Kevin's over it he's completely Yeah, the events of 2010. Yeah, we asked him to And he said he's totally fine with it. You know, it's all just water under the bridge for Kevin He's completely cool about it. I can assure you I Saw in that mamma mia movie when they when she says grudge holding makes you fat So Kevin's obviously taken that to heart and not a grudge in sight No, well, uh, he told us he said um, the lasting impact that he's had on the Labor Party in his eyes is that um, they're no longer able to depose their leaders, you know, just it's a fascinating legacy when you think that Kevin has cemented bill Shorten's fortunes. Yeah, what an irony it is irony Kevin was the 2002 Olympic ice-skating coach Could you see the Liberals doing anything like that in the future to perhaps consolidating the future of say Craig Laundy, yeah, or maybe Julie Bishop from May next year you get to be the leader for ten years I cannot envisage a circumstance where the Liberal Party would change the arrangement whereby the party room Chooses the leader of the party and the party room chooses the deputy leader We have two elections are separate We have an election for the lead and we have an election for the deputy leader And I think the party would jealously guard that That right to elect the leader Yeah, whether the lay party the membership of the Liberal Party has a different view is another matter But the actual party room the elected members and senators would guard very jealously their right to elect their leader There's a lot of people saying had The events of August this year not happened The Liberals probably wouldn't have needed to worry about the upcoming election that in fact the Liberals probably could have won I'm not saying they weren't now but I'm just saying neither am I and I was very confident that we would win under Malcolm Turnbull and I'm equally hopeful that we'll win under Scott Morrison because the policies of the party are what counts and While the popularity of the leader obviously plays into it The policies and the deliverables and what you can do To make a difference in the lives of the Australian people is actually what counts But do you think there might have been a few people on the backbench that didn't want to see Malcolm Turnbull win No, that's far too Machiavellian even for the Liberal Party So We've also heard recently that there's a 5% chance that a that the Australian Embassy in Israel will be moved Is that accurate or is that I? Understand that that's something that Steve Chobo is reported to have said to the Indonesian officials.
I don't know whether that's true or not But that's a decision for the new Cabinet and the new leadership team Do you find you've got plenty of good contacts when you want to go on a holiday anywhere else in the world What ring up all my former foreign minister mates? Hi Boris. I'm here Yeah, I've still got a lot of contacts I was in Dubai last weekend I've been invited to chair a meeting of the World Economic Forum councils in Dubai in the lead-up to Davos and I caught up with a lot of people that I'd met on the you know global stage in the past former foreign ministers current foreign ministers and it was good to keep those contacts alive and talk to people about current issues and there are plenty of global challenges and I'm deeply interested in foreign affairs still of course and Australia's place in the world. So those kind of connections continue and I used to get the Mobile phone numbers of my counterpart so that we could text each other and you know Save the department the hassle of doing cables Deal directly with the foreign ministers and so I keep in touch with a number of them Did you in your role as foreign minister did you ever get to the point where you felt like just a mother of you?
Know a thousand Australian teenagers What has this idiot found himself into now? Banged up abroad there were there was a constant stream of consular cases and you had to be alert to issues that could blow up overseas at any time and People can get into trouble for all sorts of reasons. So we had a really focused campaign to try and inform Australian travelers of What to expect when they go overseas when you leave Australia you leave the Australian jurisdiction you leave the Australian legal system and you a Subject to the legal system of the other country and maybe you should leave last weekend's jeans at home and I've spent a lot of time explaining to people that there's only so much the Australian government can do Yeah to extract you from Situation ABC in another country and I would say to people just imagine if this were to happen to a visitor in Australia you can't just ring the judge and say can you just let them off and Ring the police and say can you drop these charges it doesn't work that way and it doesn't work that way in other countries Yeah, cuz you often hear though like I remember hearing a lot of the details with the Bali nine They were just asking, you know How come you just can't get the SAS to go in? Into Bali in the dead of night and go and get them and then come back here I think that's called a military invasion Yeah, that does have consequences. You're sending your military in to rescue people who are in the legal system of another country Raise some tricky questions in detail talk about a sleepless night. Imagine if we did that The Bali nine, of course was a an issue that Has taken a great deal of diplomatic and consular effort and continues to this day Obviously, we weren't successful in our and pleas and advocacy over Chan and Sukhumaran, but Renee Lawrence is on the way home. So You know, it really is challenging and difficult But it's beyond belief that people still go overseas with a view to trafficking drugs in or out of Australia Is it true that there's a framed picture of you in Mercedes and Chappelle's living room back on the Gold Coast could you I would expect so isn't there one in everyone's living room?
Well, there isn't this part Downtown cottage light I hand them out for free so Is it expensive? Can we just ask that when we rotate ministries and cabinets? Is that expensive for the Australian taxpayer? Well, of course any change in minister means that there are expenses attached to it business cards. Well Surely we do it all online now, don't we a tea towel in the Parliament House gift shop to Changing changing photographs. I read that they weren't going to reprint the tea towels with all the prime minister's names on them until after the next Election so they wouldn't have to double it up and be like Well, we just have to put Scott on and then if he wins them then we'll do the tea towels We see I haven't given much thought to the Parliament House gift shop and the tea towel supply But I'm now thinking about adding that to the cost of doing business in this in this Parliament Yeah, the cost of tea towels.
There's another one actually The concussion tests for the for the NRL they've had to take out who's the current Prime Minister for these young I That's a tricky question at the best of times I've watched a few of those shows when they've asked who's the who's the Prime Minister of Australia? You've got something between Bill Clinton Shane Warne Whatever. Can you tell us a little bit about your electorate? What's what's going on here? What are the concerns of the?
This is a magnificent electorate. The western boundary is the Indian Ocean The southern boundary is the Swan River Eastern boundary is the CBD and the northern boundary is up towards Scarborough Karen up so it's the western suburbs of Perth and it's a mainly residential Suburban electorate, but it has a number of small businesses and a number of the major health institutions So Charles Gardner hospitals here the new Perth Children's Hospital and the University of Western Australia So a lot of institutions here Some very high-income people here also some low-income people. So it's a it's a mixed socioeconomic Electorate, it's been in liberal hands since it was formed in 1949 apart from two years when it was held by a liberal independent and It's a very strong liberal area in terms of the support that we have received over the years and It's a magnificent place. We've got Kings Park, Bold Park all these areas in it. So as you can see it's a Beautiful part of the world and say if you were to just all of a sudden resign from the Liberal Party and Maybe this the Liberals lost this seat to an independent.
Would that be a red flag for the for the government? Well, I haven't given the Liberal Party the problem of a by-election in the seat of Curtin So we're just talking hypotheticals, right?
Yeah, we've been doing a lot of them actually between between our interview with Kevin Rudd and Richard Di Natale One one hypothetical is I don't get the connection Kevin Rudd, Richard Di Natale and then me. How does that work? Oh, we cast a wide net Kevin and I mates. Yeah, I get on fine with Richard. Yeah. There you go. There's a lot of Hypotheticals when you're talking to the Greens as well Mm-hmm. So those existential type questions.
Yeah 40 years or so if you guys managed to get enough support What would you do as Prime Minister Mr. Di Natale? Well the first time we interviewed the Prime Minister was it was the same day as the state election here in WA Where um, he was asked not to attend um, I love those state elections where they don't want to know the feds and then The next time around they want the feds all over it. You just can never keep them happy Can you know I don't think Anastasia would want Bill Shorten in Queensland on the campaign trial There's a few different conflicting things going on with Adani and all that kind of stuff that just a couple Yeah, so some of these state elections are very difficult And of course after the event the justification after the events always fascinating. Well, it was all the federal government's fault or Had nothing to do with the federal government. Mm-hmm Can't win either way I suppose now because I Got to be quite popular here now because he's just handed back a whole bunch of GST So indeed the GST legislation going through the federal parliament was very well received here in Western Australia. I Don't want you to ever underestimate The anger that was felt in this state that we were down to 30 cents in the dollar of the GST Clearly the system was never meant to operate that way that one state could be so disadvantaged and So putting a floor in it of 70 cents certainly makes Sense so that no state will suffer the fate that we did but also the extra 4.7 billion dollars Thanks very much, which will go into Important infrastructure in this state.
It's a massive state. It drives the global economy. The mining sector is picking up again You know, we've been through the lull of the post construction phase in the mining sector But you can just tell there's an excitement in the mining and resource sector again, but it different different metals and different Minerals lithium you would have heard all about the lithium Valley since you've been here.
Yeah Yeah, so can we want to talk about controversial topic now? Secession. Whoa. Have you ever had to sit down?
There's nothing controversial about that in Western Australia How close was Australia to losing the West to you know Could we have had a president Colin Barnett and a vice president Troy buswell No, or you could have had it the other way around. Yeah, which would have been even even sweeter a little bit on the nose well West Australia wasn't in the original Federation back in 1901 Or French and Then there was that vote on the secessionist movement and It's just below the surface here. Yeah, every now and again You'll hear Western Australians say we can go it alone But we're so integrated now.
The economy is so integrated nationally and let's face it Economies are integrated globally. We're part of the global economy the national economy the local economy.
It's all too interlinked now So you don't think they'd get a wags it over the line G It's tempting isn't it just to use the word. Yeah Yeah, just shout that from the rooftops. Well, we've got a wax. It's been talk of a North quixote. So we don't know We don't know. It's a real thing.
The cat is a very on to it George Christensen They want to do Northern Australia Cross the Capricorn line. Yeah, so but to do it actually probably be part of the the southerners. Yeah circumstance correct me if I'm wrong I think there's only two or three tar roads going into Wa from the east and there's one on the null abor and there's two up the Kimberley's we don't make it easy for you No, I mean, we don't want hordes of Eastern Staters coming over here. You can visit but you've got to go back again Yeah, yeah beautiful one day not not Sunshine Coast the next not Gold Coast the next Oh, this is perfection. Have you been up to the Kimberley? Yes. Yeah, that's pretty stunning and room and Those areas are out of this world. So Here we are well speaking of that idea of secession and you know us against the world This is this looks like a very nice part of the world very nice part of Perth Beautiful party you deal with the nimby's because I'm sure you have a few in your electorate Well, it caught us low is a good example.
This is not an overdeveloped beachfront. Can I put it that way and Often when there are proposals to develop along Cottesloe Beach there's Considerable resistance because people like it to be Unspoiled it's the same as the Perth foreshore and there are some developments on the Perth foreshore now but many people just like the unspoiled natural beauty of the place and it's that balancing between Urbanization and development versus the status quo and this electorate has its fair share of development challenges and issues and even if they're Not involving the federal government my constituents like to come to see me to get my views on there's a proposal to develop a Restaurant at the end of the groin. There are always proposals to develop the beachfront here But so far they've been pretty well resisted by the local councils and people who feel strongly enough about it Of course get elected to the local councils Are there any skills that you found that have been transferable from you know, kind of being on the world stage having to deal with? The foreign minister a Russia to dealing with, you know an irate Person here is like very similar experiences actually. Yeah Well negotiating skills patience empathy You know backing your judgment standing your ground all those sorts of things. Yeah, they can come in handy anywhere anytime Yeah, we have to say you've done very well. There's no subways or Kind of City Beach or gelato is along the beach here So you've you're doing your miles ahead of the Wentworth electorate. Anyway, yeah, we have to say when you saw I Suppose it's a bit hard to compare the Bondi Beach with this one I think you know, I think this one's a bit off the beaten track Cottesloe Beach is well known It was the scene of Janey priest kissing Prince Charles years ago. Remember that she was a local model here and Brought a bit of notoriety to Cottesloe Beach But it is a beautiful part of the world and I love coming down here in the mornings and Doing a soft sand run and a bit of a dip in the ocean We've had a shark attack or two around here, which makes me very cautious But nevertheless, it's a beautiful part of the world and people come from all over just to spend some time on Cottesloe Beach So I can understand why the locals want it to remain as is and not bring too much traffic into the place But still some quality restaurants and cafes are pretty popular here Now you've you've been kind of as we said before 16 years in the kind of in a ministerial role Who do you think's been the kind of most? competent operator you've seen other than yourself I'm very good at voting for myself.
Yeah. Thanks W a backing you to didn't you? Well, let's not go there.
I Think one of the most competent Well, two of the most competent were John Howard and Peter Costello. I thought they made the dynamic duo They made a great team. They were very different personalities, but they brought their respective skills to their roles and Hence, we had enormous stability at that time, even though there was a level of competition between the two. No question they nevertheless always put their portfolio and their leadership issues To one side where they disagreed and and really acted in the national interest. I thought they were Pretty amazing team.
It's a shame.
They never got to swap jobs like Turnbull and SCO I did It didn't quite turn out that way there was a there was a little movement at the station in 2007, but No, John held firm. So he he didn't give in to Alexander Downey's down as treaties that he move on.
Oh, did I just Break confidence. No, I'm sure I didn't that must have been public news at the time She says looking desperately at Lauren. It was public at the time, wasn't it? Yes.
Well, he ended up in the plum job The old downer he ended up over there in Australia house It is a very important diplomatic post up there with the ambassador to Washington The ambassador to Tokyo the High Commissioner to London. Yeah, it's an extraordinarily busy job too Because so many Australians are in London at any one time it was nice how they gave that job to Kim Beasley and then when it was Kevin Rudd's turn, you know to be the head of the United Nations. It was nice That Malcolm was able to really help him out there, too Well, I think my position on that was well known so I need So what does that frustrate you when you hear? People saying oh, you know the plum job of of working in Washington or London because you know Like they are quite busy. Oh a plum job in the sense that it has a great deal of status in the diplomatic world no question, but of course, they work hard and they are representing Australia and they have to Drive out to the airport to pick up the foreign minister and that can't be that much fun. No What would be the plum job to finish in though?
Like if you were talking about ones that like is in terms of Yeah If you were a DFAT lifer a DFAT lifer and then Like for the last ten years of your professional life, they handball you say, all right, you're gonna be the ambassador to Antigua and Trinidad, you know where the only thing you'd have to do is handshake a couple of cricket players every well That's not all three or four years. Oh Anywhere in the Pacific, could you imagine it being given the the High Commission to Fiji? Yeah, that would be good. Oh, no, that would be busy I'm not saying it wouldn't be busy because they're pleased about three hundred and fifty thousand Australians go there as tourists So that you've got that problem.
So if you're thinking of somewhere where you kind of quite removed How about the Vatican? There's lots of rules there Now you just dropped an interesting stat on us and I'm sure you've got plenty of them What's the most interesting one you've learned?
We learn and you work overseas like where's the where did you not expect to see that many Australians? Australians are everywhere. Believe me. We are inveterate travelers and Australians turn up in the most unexpected places and You expect to see them in you know, the global centers Silicon Valley in Hollywood surprised me how many Australians are there? I mean, that's not unexpected entirely But the sheer scale of the Australian invasion is starting working on apps over there But no you come across Australians anywhere and everywhere.
I remember going to Tehran which was quite controversial at the time I was the first Australian minister to visit Tehran in about 12 years or more and The visit was highly scripted and it was very carefully managed by the Iranians until I met with the foreign minister Zarif and said I just want to have a look around Tehran. So he essentially called off the security detail and said Go where you want So we went to a marketplace unannounced But we had a bit of a media crew with us because there was a great deal of interest in my visit And we're walking through this exotic beautiful Persian market in Tehran and I hear oi, jolly And as a young couple from Sydney who he was Iranian, but they'd been born in Australia They got married and their honeymoon was going to be in Tehran So they were just wandering through and saw me there and you couldn't avoid them exactly there. They are in Persian market places Well, we're um, we almost out of time here.
Thank you for for meeting with us today You're just going to go for a swim aren't you? Well, yeah, and you're looking at the ocean reflections of the fridge It's very nice to to see your part of the world. Yeah Well, thank you for coming along and don't be a stranger you've got to come back more often and next time We'll head over to Rottnest Island and see a quokka. See you.
You're one polling booth over there Yeah, you bet and I have no trouble getting volunteers to be at the Rottnest polling booth on Election Day no trouble at all Thank you, Julie Bishop. Thanks very much Julie and that was Julie Bishop everyone one of Australia's next prime ministers If if all of her plans go her way and if all of Bill Shorten's plans go to the shithouse in his first term But only time will tell Clancy. Yes, indeed indeed and it's been interesting seeing the general consensus Around Julie Bishop as you know, as we mentioned there earlier She put her hand up in the libspill in August and we were actually at the Batutah races trackside at the time And a lot of the local constituents thought she was going to take it home It was an interesting Result that we got in the end ended up with the scomer the night watchman So we'll see it'll be an interesting election and I don't know if we've heard the last of Julie Bishop just yet Certainly not but she's definitely got her hands full with the people of Cottesloe and in her electorate at Curtin who was the last Prime Minister that we had from WA was John Curtin He was the wartime prime minister during World War two and he died in office So hopefully the same fate doesn't befall Julie Bishop and she doesn't become the Prime Minister Under World War three and we don't have to go to war with Putin or or Jai Jin ping or well Certainly not with you know with the relationships that have been built by the former foreign minister. I think we can avoid World War three for now, but as we learnt quite an interesting political operator and and We look forward to interviewing more of these types of characters as we travel around the country We've got Adelaide this week we hope to see some of you out there and then of course finishing on the 30th of December with Canberra Llewellyn Hall and then December 1 at the Opera House, which is almost sold out. So getting quick listeners and We'll get you next week. Thank you for listening to the patoot er advocate radio show. Mm-hmm That is the 30th of November and the 1st of December the Friday and the Saturday the Friday being in Canberra The Llewellyn Hall there in Barton in the shadow of Capitol Hill and on the 1st of December We are at the concert hall in the Opera House where we're going to wrap things up on this road show until then My name is Errol Parker.
Never talk to the cops without legal counsel present. They're not your friends They're out to get you and I'm Clancy overall. You'd be kind to each other Thanks for watching! |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_exorcism_multi_cam_view_snl | Can you save her? can you save my daughter? Father Murphy, I can't perform an exorcism alone. you are going to Hell! Honey, hear my voice. I know you're still in there, Claire. did someone just knock on our door? it's the middle of the night. What is all the ruckus? Oh, Father, this is our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Shaw. yeah, and I saw her been asleep 45 minutes ago. But I guess you all decided to throw a party on a Tuesday. this isn't a party, Mrs. Shaw. it's our daughter. she's been possessed. we're waiting for Father Murphy.
Oh, don't have to wait for him. I'll do it. Do what? the exorcism. I'm getting my sleep tonight. See, I could do a 2k. You don't scare me, sweetie. you should be careful. you're in over your head. in over my head? I'll have you know. I have been a crossing guard at Nasa on Edgemont for 40 years. that's six lanes. every day I'm the only thing stopping 300 mean fifth graders from getting sent straight to hell by a Ups truck. Now, where the cross at? give it here. here. give it here. Okay, hello? yeah, okay, you need to get out. uh-uh, uh-uh. use your words.
No, ma'am, I don't do all that. I taught Sally once, and I was like, this ain't for me.
Okay, maybe we should just wait for the priest, Mrs. Shaw? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I need to get my eight hours. oh, uh-oh. where is she going? you're going to Hell, you stupid whore. stupid. What Now? Oh, honey, you're going to have to do much better than that. yesterday, a third grader called me a used-up skank. what else you got? come on. you're ugly. um, um, um, um, what? look at you stuttering. Now, sit your ass down, baby, before I turn on the ceiling fan. that's what I thought.
God, is it working? Yeah, it is. That is exactly what I thought. let me out. she's expelling the demon.
Quick. we'll need a new vessel. Okay, be a gay. I got you. I got you a vessel, all right? Frank! get down here, Frank! uh, woman, what you want?
I'm trying to sleep. No, you can't sleep with your talking. And, little girl, your ass better not be levitating back there. Sorry, Mrs. Shaw. mm-hmm. thank you, baby. waking my ass up at 9 p.m. in the middle of the night. we doing an exorcism, Frank. Yeah, well, our Shaw would have been asleep 47 minutes ago.
Yeah, we know, baby. Now you got to be a vessel for this here demon. Well, I don't want to do that. Frank, if you don't do it, I'm gonna cancel our sex date next week. Oh, okay. I'm gonna find my weeks back. yeah, you know. let me just get situated first. All right. come on now, Demon. do your worst.
Dad, what just happened? Why are there Shaw's in our house? Shaw, did they be asleep? Oh, my God. Mrs. Shaw, we can't thank you enough. mm-hmm. yeah, that's all good. uh, y'all sleep tight now. uh, come on, Frank. Frank? uh.
I don't like Disney! |
dropout | don_t_worry_my_sunburn_will_turn_into_a_tan | I will give you one rice for your sandwich one one grain of rice. Yes, that's what I said one rice Wow, you got some sun you noticed I can't wait till this glow turns into a beautiful golden tan I think it's a little burnt.
It's all part of my process I bear myself really good at the end of summer. So it turns into a tan that lasts all winter I don't think that's how it works. Yeah guys. I do this every year. I think I know how my body works Whoa I thought you were burned before but your body is so much worse. You look like the Canadian flag. It's just red and white Thank you. It's so nice to see where you started from, you know, no, you're like really burned. Does that not hurt? Yes That's how I know it's working.
Katie. Will you put Ella all my back? Okay.
Thank you That's next step I can't finish you to do the rest you're molting you guys are just jealous You're gonna be rusty crusty Helen dusty in October and I'm gonna be a golden goddess. What? Oh, I think I got some of my mouth Yes, it's spreading. It looks like you have golf balls in your face. Ooh, goodie. Popping blisters is my favorite part Once these blisters heal I'm gonna have the sexiest tan. Oh Oh god, don't stop popping. I think you need medical attention I'm supposed to trust the two most pale people in the office. It's getting worse It has to get worse before it gets better you look like Jeff Goldblum in the fly Oh goody, that means it's time to go on the roof again a top coat Gonna be the sickest tan ever Hi, I'm Cynthia from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for more fun stuff and now for a white breakdown star why diamond wipe the nation wipe iris |
dropout | showering_with_girls | Hi, I'm Dan Gerwich from College Humor, and right now I'm about to take a shower with a beautiful girl! But while I'm definitely psyched to have shower sex, it's not always the passionate romp that you think it's going to be. For instance, I don't have those little grippy things on the floor, so while I hope things end up like this, they could easily end up like this. Either way, I probably didn't have time to clean out all the embarrassing stuff, so while we fuck, we'll be staring at my prescription seborrheic dermatitis shampoo, which we'll probably end up having to use as lubes, and surprise, water makes your vajay feel like the inside of an old balloon. But say things go great. Say I actually figure out how to position myself, even though I'm taller than you, it's like a Death Star Trench Run. And neither one of us bumps into the hot water now. We have super hot coitus. Cause I said coitus? Yeah.
After that, we are supposed to clean ourselves too, right? But then, I don't understand the rules, like, what parts of your body am I allowed to wash? I know I get to wash your boobs, that's a given. Women in movies are always washing their boobs, it's like the only thing they wash. I mean, you never see this. Women in movies should have bright shiny boobs, and just be caked with shit, everywhere else. Hey, can I get some of that water? I'm fucking freezing. The point is, I know it's awkward, but like, you gotta wash other places. If we just do the chest wash thing, then we get out of the shower, for the rest of the day, I'm thinking, this girl didn't wash her butt hole.
Her butt crack? And her butt hole? I almost want to tell people. Hey everybody, this girl's acting like she washed her butt crack and her butt hole, but she did it! She has a crack of lies!
You know what? I'm thinking too hard. I think I just need to relax, and do what I would normally do in the shower. Wish me luck. Are you peeing? |
TheOnion | Packers_Fan_Announces_He_Will_Return_To_Drinking_For_Another_Season | The speculation is over. Wisconsin resident and Packers fan Chris Lukowski has announced that he will return to drinking for another football season. Following his wife's off-season threat to leave him if he didn't get help, many expected Lukowski to give up drinking for good, but he held a press conference today to announce he's not done yet. The Packers are my life, and drinking is my life. I think I have another couple thousand beers left in me. Can Lukowski push through with another good season, or are his best drinking days behind him?
If you're going to need something in the next two minutes, please grab it now because you will be unable to find it once you have entered the steam room. Welcome to the steam room. I'm Tim Devan, and alongside OSN sports analyst Marcus Kelly, Marcus, there is no I in steam. I know that, Tim. Then the steam room begins now.
Marcus, no question in anybody's mind that Chris Lukowski is among the all-time greats of alcohol consumption. Absolutely right. What's he got left to prove? Well, quite simply, nothing, Tim. The guy's done it all. Lost jobs, destroyed property, all in the name of Packers football, and his lifetime stats are incomparable. A .43 career high blood alcohol content, and six women punched. The man just flat out loves to drink. That's right.
He got some footage of him from a 2005 Packers victory. Let's take a look.
Go, Ben, go!
I remember that game. He was a monster. That's right.
He's really the last man standing from that incredible drinking class of 1974. They were a great group of drinkers.
Now, Lukowski never drank as much as Brian Pardville in one sitting though. Yeah, but where's Pardville now? All right.
He's in an AA meeting getting his five-year sober chip. He's still sitting in front of his TV, drinking his weight in beer week after week.
Can he keep up this high level of play? Of course he can. He's a far cry from the 97 Lukowski, who we all knew and loved, who celebrated the Packers Super Bowl victory by falling face first into his backyard barbecue, and then being unable to remember why he had grill marks on his face the next day. Look, let me tell you, the man has got good form, and he's been drinking straight through the off-season. Just last Thanksgiving, he awkwardly groped his son's 14-year-old girlfriend, and then threatened to kill himself by jumping off the roof of their ranch house.
Wow. It's time for the final sweat. I'm a little bit worried about you. Well, your concern is insulting. You're doing very well.
Chris Lukowski's time on this earth is limited. Who's the future of drinking? I wouldn't look any further than the Lukowski household. Wow. Alex Lukowski has shown a tremendous potential for drinking since age three, when his father poured beer in his bottle to keep him quiet during the game. And he's already accomplished so much at such a young age, showing up wasted out of his mind for his job at Gumby's Pizza, losing his tooth in somebody's milkshake, and routinely peeing guap. He's got the best coach there is. That's incredible. If the Packers are still playing, this kid will be drinking. He's got a real future.
Marcus Kelly, I can't tell if we've survived the steam room or died and gone to some sort of warm, steamy purgatory. Either way, it's been an honor, Tim. Thanks guys. You will live forever in our steamy memories. Moving on, the Milwaukee Brewers Polish Sausage has admitted to steroid use and sausage race fixing. |
dropout | hardly_working_starfish_gang | Starfish, ha! Jesus. Sorry, Dan.
Let's crawl. Oh, wait. I have jury duty today. Really? Yeah. Well, it's my duty to appear before a jury as I'm being sued for sexual assault. You know what? That's OK. We're Starfish. We can lose a member and still survive. Oh, I'm in a lot of trouble. Guys. Yeah. That's the one. That's how Starfish drink. I'm proud of you guys. Yeah.
I'm starving. You guys want to order a pizza or something? Yeah. Pizza?
Are we Starfish or what? We are Starfish. Let's eat like Starfish. We'll get some raw clams and mussels.
Oh. All right. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Awesome.
Hey, Murph, will you call up and order? Starfish don't know how to use phones. Yeah, it's me again.
Let's go. I'm coming. Come on.
Starfish, what are you doing? Oh, we're about to be crazy taxi too, man. How the fuck can Starfish play video games?
They don't even have any money.
OK, Jake. Listen, we all think you're taking the Starfish thing way too literally. Literally. You should be dead. You haven't even been underwater all day. What about you? I'm soaking wet. All right. You're starting to creep us out. OK, maybe you should just get back to work. Work. I'm a fucking Starfish, Sarah.
How am I supposed to work with these? Those are regular hands.
Screw you guys. I'm a Starfish. I'll grow new friends. Oh! |
CrackerMilk | hacking_into_aussie_internet_ft_noodle | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk podcast. We are joined by a very lovely guest who is weirdly anatomically correct. It's Noodle directly next to Tom. Hey Noodle, how you going buddy? It's so good to be here in real life.
Yeah. Oh man. I really love that. Um, the shirt you've got on. Wow. That color palette is perfect. I picked it out just for the podcast. I'm not sure if you know Noodle.
Um, and problem is we're not IT boys. We don't know a lot and we want to fix the internet for all of Australia. What does IT stand for?
We know that before you were writing Mein Kampf, you were, um... I'm a big Mein Kampf writer, yeah. He's written five sequels.
I thought we clearly discussed before recording that, like, that wasn't public information. Oh yeah, no spoilers, yeah. You can't, the sequels aren't out yet.
I tried, I tried to do a little journalism tactic right off the bat. Get a magotcha out and say it during the interview. He's the George RR Martin of racial literature, man. You can't, you can't dive in like that, man. But the thing is Noodle, before you wrote Mein Kampf, um, and you went down that dark path, there was a point where you were sort of talking all about, um, the internet and how much you want to fuck the internet and how much you want to fix the internet and stuff. So do you want to like maybe help us on our adventure, man? Well look, we need to get to the source of the problem, man.
We need to get to the source of why the fuck the internet's not working. We need to fix the internet. We need to go to the internet in Australia. Well, why don't we digitize ourselves into fucking people on the internet. Oh, that was fucking dead right. And we're in the internet like Tron.
When I enter cyberspace, I don't know what might happen to me. Maybe I'll turn into a completely new character. We'll have to see. No worries. Well, the three of us, and I'm sure our brand new guest who's never experienced improv comedy like this before, will really enjoy it.
So let's go. Are you ready? Everyone ready? Yep. We're here already. Yeah, man. We're all here.
Noodle. You look like a fucking cartoon here, man. So weird. That's so crazy. Not like before. Nah, man. Before you just looked strangely animated and now it's totally normal, man.
And your cock's huge. Dude, look at your cock, man. Bro, he's cut too.
Dude, cyberspace treats you well, Noodle. My voice, I have entered the digital realm and I'm now a Frenchman. Ah, yes, it is coming back to me.
I am a spy. Oh my God, it's a French cyber spy. A French cyber spy. I work for the French government.
It's a little bit fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure we're supposed to fix the internet because it's something about it's fucked up in Australia and I'm there and we should fix it. I learned that what separates French internet to Aussie internet is we chock-load it with special little chocolates that come from a special little animal in the cyberspace. So maybe boys- What cyberspace animal? Oh, it's a cyberspace animal in the shape of a large rooster. Oh, cyberspace rooster.
Wow.
I suggest boys that we find the rooster. Well, I think I know someone who can help us find this little rooster.
Telstra. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello, this is Telstrom.
How can I help you? Hey, brother. Hey, mate. Long time customer, first time cyberspace adventurer.
Oh, sick. Yeah, man. Yeah, it's fucking good. Look, man. I'm also on the line. It's fucking good, eh? We've got spy man, spy man here.
Who is that? It's me. Yeah, he's told us to find a rooster that'll shit out some chockeys that we can put in the internet. God, that's hard to visualize.
In the modem. Yeah, in the modem.
And that'll fix it. So we're just wondering if you could help us. I understand that, you know, for those less technically inclined, that can sound like a lot of crazy bullshit.
First off, do you have the modem in front of you? Or have you really fucked up and entered the internet? We forgot to fucking bring the modem with us.
Oh my God. Look, Telstrom. Um, there. Yeah, we are in the internet. Yeah. As I say in France, zabazooie gabagooie. Hey, that's what we say when we make a mistake. In France. No, go on, go on. Uh, yeah, look, we're in the internet, mate.
I like what, uh, I like what spy man, spy man had in mind. Uh, he, he, uh, he was talking that there were these kinds of chocolates he had to put inside the, uh, inside the, uh, inside the internet, inside the modem. Would you be able to help us with that?
I'm like, I'm a long-term customer. I'm paying like $150 a month. Well, it says here, you joined yesterday, uh, on the value plan, but go on. Um, yeah, look, did you get signed into a contract?
Yeah, it's a lock-in. Oh no. It's like 24 months. Fuck. A hundred. Sacre bleu.
Um, Mr. Telstrom, I do have a question about, uh, our contract. Um, you, we, I signed on yesterday and when I spoke to you last, you did say that not only do you give us 24 seven internet support, but you also come in once every fortnight and have sex with my wife. Yeah, I did say that.
Um, is there any way? I don't know, I don't know. No, it hasn't been a week.
That is in the contract. Is there any way we can maybe like write that out of the contract or is that like a permanent thing? No, no, no. No, that's, that's, uh, you did sign that. You did agree to that.
It's already like in the works. I'm actually on in the car right now. Oh, God damn it. And we're in fucking cyberspace so we can't, we can't even stop it.
Test, test a man. May I speak on behalf, on behalf of a test?
No. Fair enough. Yeah. Very, very, very speak myself. Uh, all right.
Tell us from, man, do, do you know where the rooster is yet? So are you on a, like the main street of internet right now? Uh, we're on, uh, we're just right by the, um, porn hub shop on fifth.
Yeah. It's right across from fur affinity.com. It might be .net. I can't really remember. Let's um, I've heard things about Furfinity. Every time I go on the shared computer. Yeah, they're, they're a really close partner of ours. Yeah. He's, uh, Furfinity is a very popular site. A close partner of someone else we know as well. I make sure that I always go on incognito mode so it doesn't come up when you start searching. When you go on Furfinity, they are logging it wherever you are. Whatever browser, man.
That's true. Yes. Okay. Well, I know, I know where to go then. Okay. Well, thanks. Thanks Telstrom. We'll um, we'll, we'll see you later and we're just going to noodle. You can just come back and be you now, man. We're going to go to Furfinity. Okay. Yeah.
Sorry. I had to take a big YouTuber piss. I'm back now.
What's going on? There's a good joke here. Edit is a wee wee. What's wrong? Why are you laughing?
Just, I want to die, but let's go to, let's go to Furfinity. And I'm just going to fuck off and a character will probably come into my place. Okay. So off we go to Furfinity. I am sorry to our French listeners.
Hi everybody. Welcome to Furfinity. Yiffy. I've got a big stiffy. Hello. Who are you? Oh, well, I'm the receptionist here at Furfinity and I'm here to help with all of your furries.
Hang on. Elias? Yeah. Oh my God, Elias. Oh my God.
And I still have been here before. I just saw you the other day.
Hang on.
Boys.
He's here. Oh, there he is. Yeah, it's number one cast. It's our number one customer boy. Oh, there's our little bottom feeder as we like to call him.
What are you doing here, man? You just paid off me fucking second floor apartment, cunt. Can I just, can I just check here though?
Noodle, you were saying that it's a disgrace that Elias hasn't just come out and admitted that he's a furry. And I agree that is a disgrace. So perhaps he could do it right now. This is his platform. I don't think it's time. To right that wrong.
No, no, not at all. You can, you can do it. Don't be rude to our podcast guests.
Yeah, we've got Noodle right here. He's flown all the way from America. He's come here.
I'm angry. I'm angry now. It's weird because it looks like I have, I'm a different drawing, but it's just because I'm really angry because you haven't come out and just said that you're a furry. Yeah, no, he's angry now.
He's grown horns. And he's reading mine, maybe I am. I have mine comp in one hand and a pair of horns in the other.
You've logged on so many times that we can basically recreate an Australian internet experience from the amount of info we've gotten just from you, my friend. That's right. You've logged on so many times. We can rebuild all of the Australian internet all on our own some, isn't that exciting?
Not particularly.
I'm so excited on behalf of Elias. Everyone's so happy. You've saved the day, Elias.
It just needs one thing. We just need you to tell the world about your interest in men in fursuits. Well, I'm sorry, Australia, but it looks like the internet's going to be fucked forever. Ah, the perfect resolution.
Thank you for listening to another episode of the crack and milk podcast. And thank you for noodle here in the flesh for coming on. Thank you.
We will see him again. I'm sure. Uh, in person, did you enjoy yourself, mate? Yeah. Excellent.
Do you know, do you have any idea of what our patrons could be? This podcast? Uh, they, they should all be drawn on the cover of mine comp.
Excellent. Perfect. Great. Excellent.
I love it.
Goodnight everybody. Have a great day. Don't subscribe to noodle. |
cracked | every_hideo_kojima_conspiracy_explained_blue_box_game_studios_silent_hills_abandoned | One of the biggest questions haunting the minds of Americans is who or what is the fabled Q? Is it former President Donald Trump, a high-ranking member of the military, a sentient pizza or something?
I don't know. Nobody knows.
What I do know is, is that Q isn't the only game in town, or should I say, the only gamer in town. See, just as the alt-right has a conspiratorial leader to consolidate their insanity around, gamers have an enigmatic champion of their own, the creator of Metal Gear Solid and Metal Gear Stranding. That's a little joke. The man who revolutionized action games by replacing action with stealth, and all of gaming by replacing actually playing games with endless cutscenes, the man who is Hideo Kojima. He is K, and today we're digging into the origins of his rabid fanbase, K-Anon, who ascribe an almost god-like status to a man who is just that.
A man. That's all he is. Right.
Anyway, Hideo Kojima's first step on the path to K was Metal Gear Solid 3. Kojima claimed he wanted nothing to do with the series anymore, leaving directing duties to Alan Smithy.
I know what you're thinking. Holy s**t, MGS3 was directed by the same guy who directed the original Dune? Awesome!
But alas, no. Alan Smithy is the fake name adopted by directors who disowned their Hollywood films that turned out sub-par. Other examples include not quite classic, such as Hellraiser Bloodline, Mighty Docks the Animated Series, the first face-off, and, uh, not, not Justice League, huh, would have thought. Palau, no!
And what do you know, Kojima later revealed that he was the director of MGS3 and double twist! The game didn't suck. Later, on August 12, 2014, a horror demo by the mysterious 7780s studio showed up out of nowhere on the PS4 store. Upon completion, the demo revealed that 7780s was a front for, you guessed it, Kojima Productions. Even better, PT was secretly a demo for an upcoming Silent Hill game by Hideo Kojima. Once again, everyone lost their mind. The secret's being revealed! For Metal Gear Solid 5, K went crazier. He announced the director would be Joaquin Mogran, which is an anagram of Kojima mixed together with an anagram of Ogre mixed together with two other random letters because K-drops are the best puzzles.
Mogran's face was conveniently covered in bandages because he had suffered a serious accident before the interview. Wise fans just knew Kojima had to be underneath that elaborate mummy costume. But actually, the bandage dude wasn't Kojima. Or even a real person, for that matter. It was a CG model promoting the game's sick-ass graphics, which is actually pretty rad. Of course, the actual game was actually directed by flesh and blood Kojima, but a true master of madness creates conspiracies just by existing. And while Kojima was trotting out non-real burn victims to promote his new game, eagle-eyed gamers noticed the Metal Gear Solid 5 trailer included this medical doctor, who kind of looks like this man.
That's Dr. Sergio Conovero, a neurosurgeon who claims to have performed the first human head transplant back in 2017. Kojima fans still on edge from the whole Joaquin thing weren't about to be fooled again. They knew Conovero wasn't a real person. But another Kojima creation meant to promote MGS5 and possibly stress-induced hemorrhoids. But surprisingly, Sergio Conovero happens to be a real person, and even more surprisingly perhaps one in possession of an actual medical license, despite the whole severed head thing. The man response surprised even Sergio, I cut off heads but keep them alive, Conovero, who literally turned in a sworn affidavit to the Italian police that denied he had anything to do with Konami or Metal Gear Solid 5, The Phantom Pain, which honestly sounds way more like a publicity stunt than ignoring the response. It didn't help that Hideo Kojima claimed the game would challenge a certain type of taboo and that he had an ally who would support him in that risk. But apparently no, Conovero just wanted to lop heads off in peace.
So as you can see, everything was going great with both the actual games and the screwing with gamers sense of reality, until suddenly Kojima released a cryptic tweet that led to fan speculation that things weren't well between him and his bosses at Konami. It's true dedication that our boy K messes with fans through the good times and the bad. Turns out the unwashed masses were right again. A few days after the tweet, Kojima's firing from Konami was made public. Then things got really weird. Because Konami never seems to have much interest in reviving old IPs, fans began theorizing that Sony must have purchased the rights to the Silent Hill franchise and recruited K to finish the work he'd started with PT. These rumors were seemingly confirmed when on April 7th, 2021, a new company called Blue Box Game Studios announced a new horror game called Abandon. How does that confirm anything about the previous sentence? Well, try and keep up with this K-head logic.
Blue Box. Box. As in a place perfect to hide secrets. Abandoned.
As in what Kojima was? Nice try, K, but the internet is undefeated in mystery solving. Nothing gets past us. Kojima fans on Ristretta believed the company was yet another tax-unrelated front, and things were back on track with Silent Hill. What followed were 18 pages of users burning brains and minds contorting all the data to come to the conclusion that yeah, Blue Box was definitely Kojima. Except it wasn't. It was just a new game made by a new game company.
Those exist apparently. Man, if Kojima ever dies, gamers will release 10,000-word essays on how it's just a stunt for Kojima to turn himself into a ghost to personally haunt us in the most immersive horror video game ever. But it's not just nut jobs on message boards. Kojima's cryptic ways have inspired even serious outlets like GameSpot to dedicate entire articles overreacting to his messages. But even despite all this, there's at least some reason to believe Kojima is always ten steps ahead of us. For example, Kojima seemingly correctly predicted the use of algae-based fuel back in the 80s before that was a widely held or known idea.
Oh, and he also predicted that a rich, crazy dude might try to get into the White House in a literal attempt to make America great again. Don't make America great again!
Wait, that's from Metal Gear Rising Revengence, the only Metal Gear not written by him. So no way he could have secretly been behind it, right? Right? And also, the MAGA phrase was coined by Ronald Reagan. So we can't really say he predicted Trump. Though Kojima did make a game about Brexit and Trump. Not in subtext, as he straight up said that.
And that game kind of predicted a period of forced global safe isolation. Also, in 2000, long before Facebook, he predicted that large corporations and governments would control information and have us stuck in thought echo chambers. Oh, and that's in a game that features a scene where a giant metal structure crashes into New York City that had to be removed because of that thing we definitely didn't forget about.
Also, why does C-3PO have a red arm in the force of weekends? It never gets explained. Or does it? I've had it all wrong this whole time.
Kojima isn't just such gamer version of Q. His predictions are actually accurate and meant to illuminate the world rather than make it more confusing. And his misdirections aren't about undermining democracy. He's using them for fun and to make dope ass video games. All hail K!
What if I was wrong? What if Blue Box Studios and Abandon Arcade packed? I can't stop thinking about it. See, Sony's original blog post claimed Abandon would run at realistic 4K graphics and run at 60 FPS, which is something even the largest studios can't pull off.
Okay. Now, the head of Blue Box Studios, Hazan Karaman, claims to have 50 people working on the game, but nobody on LinkedIn works for Blue Box except for him. And speaking of Karaman, Karaman translates to Hideo in Turkish. And both of their names have the initials H and K following. Also, Blue Box has a term used for phone scams and also their YouTube banner has a bunch of hills on it. And oh look, K posted a tweet that uses the word silent and hills in it. And then Karaman posted a video claiming that he was real and not connected with Hideo Kojima except he's way too attractive to be real. And that's also exactly what K would do. It's all too much. Abandon is silent hills and the proof is undeniable. And K has done it again and I'm the only one who knows it. Me and a million other people on Reddit. Man, it's gonna be really sad for Karaman if Abandon releases and it's just a normal subpar game. |
SaturdayNightLive | makeup_artists_snl | It's your wedding day, we gonna party like it's your wedding day. Okay, Doll Face, you ready to see your makeup? You know I am. All right, Gorgia, I should have baked my veal in three, two, one. Oh my gosh! this is exactly what I wanted. Ant and Trist, you are magicians. while we had an amazing canvas. you look like Princess Di before. you're hilarious. can we get two more bridesmaids dresses in here? yeah, two dresses just for me, please, to fit my fat ass into.
Jules, can I talk to you really quickly, outside, alone? wait, what? are you doing a bit right now? no, I just need to tell you something. let's go out in the hall. hey, you're being so weird, Kate. just say what you want to say. Gavin left. wait, what do you mean He left? And he wrote you a note. I realized I don't love you. I can't do this.
I'm so sorry, Jules. Jules. Oh my God. Jules.
Jules. this is so tough. this is so tough. just shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. just, um, whenever you get the chance, um, if you could just, uh, then mow us. for what? I know this is tough. it's just, in our experience, if we don't get paid before leaving, we won't ever get paid. Wait, didn't we pay you already?
Shoot. shoot, I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed. you're so right. Gavin just texted. dammit, I knew it. he wants to explore things further with his co-worker, Sasha. Oh my God. Are you serious? Bump tooth, Sasha. This isn't right. min are dolls. Oh My. God, oh God, I mean this. Shoot. this is, this is brutal.
Yeah, just shoot. whenever, whenever you get the chance. And no rush. If you could, just leave a review on our Yelp. right now? in our experience, if you don't get the review before you leave, you'll never get it. just run. whatever. maybe if, if my fiancee is on my gorgeous makeup, he wouldn't have left. And Trish enough. her fiancee just left her.
Oh my God, I feel so sick. I don't want to tell anybody but. what is it, Jules? I'm two months pregnant. Oh my God. Oh my God. my baby won't even have a father.
Shoot. Shoot. honey, honey, okay.
I don't want you to cry.
No, I know. I need to be strong. Yeah, no, because, because we, we still need a pic for our, for our website. Yeah. yeah. we got a smile into the idea. Yeah. we got kicked off Instagram because of commenting snitch on all of Leah Remini's posts. I want to be respectful, but I'm feeling like I want to kill you. I mean, maybe it's my fault for rushing the wedding. I just wanted to get married while my grandma was still alive. and of course, cost me two weeks ago.
Shoot. Shoot. there is a, is there any shellfish in this cake? no, it's a cake. Please leave. Shoot. You know, you know, I'd be kicking myself if I didn't mention it, but my brother's single. he's hilarious. yeah, and he gets out of his halfway house in April, so. really? I mean, I guess it's nice to imagine dating again. Shoot. Oh, I just remembered he hates pregnant women. Shoot. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_rfk_jr_s_brain_worm_snl | That's right, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. admitted to having a worm that ate part of his brain. here to comment is: R.f.k. Jr.'s brain Worm. aren't you so glad I'm here? No, you are horrible to look at. Aw, come on, Colin. give me a kiss. I'm not going to kiss you, brain Worm. Okay, it looks like you're now a huge fan of R.f.k. Jr. Yeah, I mean, come on. look at this guy. what worm wouldn't love this? he looks like a pack of chicken thighs left out in the sun. And then check out his face. he looks like someone left Bruce Springsteen in the microwave too long. his face is so red, he looks like you when you're screaming at those college protesters, Colin. Okay, all right. so, okay. how did you get into his brain in the first place? same way you get to Carnegie Hall. practice, practice, practice? No, through the anus. R.f.k.'s body was a worm's paradise, Okay? Not a single drop of vaccine in sight. my whole parasite posse hung out in there. shout-out to hookworm, botfly, that fish that swims up your pee stream, and my man, Tom Sandoval.
But tonight, I want to be the first to officially endorse R.f.k. for President. Well, you're actually not the first. You know, a few days ago, he was actually endorsed by Kevin Spacey.
Oh, your old pal. brain too. I ate the part that understood the word no. Oh, hey, hey. what do you guys expect? I like all different types of crazy white boy brain. Randy Quaid, Jake Paul, and right now, I'm sipping on the part of Jack Harlow's brain that tells him you should have talked like that. Okay. speaking of crazy white boy brain, hey, Colin, let me get a sip of that, okay? I'm starving. let me see. don't look in there. Oh, Colin, let me see. your brain is so smooth. it's like a cue ball. you've got a wrinkle in sight. you botox that new, too? put down the needle, Colin. you've done enough damage already.
Oh, now let me justno, stay still. let me take a sip of your memories. Hey, stop that. I need my memories. No, you don't. come on. there's got to be a few memories I could get rid of for you. Oh, like that time you ran over a cyclist with your Porsche. he came out of nowhere. he was on a peloton, Colin, in his living room. All right, Worm. you got to go, Okay? wait, wait, wait, wait. before I go, I want to say something to you, Rfk, if you're watching this right now.
Hey, I miss you. I miss your body. I miss that beef jerky face.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want you back. And if you want me back, meet me at the top of the Empire State Building tonight. I'll be in the same place we were when we first met, in a fistful of raw ground turkey, wearing my Marilyn Monroe dress, singing happy, Warm, Brain, Future President.
Rfk Junior's brain worm, everyone. |
dropout | precious_plum_bonus_footage | We fucking there yet. No, we're not Buy something from me. Oh, but sales me for a small price. Oh Oh my god, there's your cameras. Oh, can you burn me a DVD? That's advanced foods You buries Hi, what's your name? Hi, Eva.
Okay, Eva I'm just gonna cut the ends off just a little trim. Just a little trim. I'm gonna want to keep the length You don't keep the length. I'll think about we just thin everything out just along the top Just keep thinning it out. Just pretty much thinning out all the way until there's nothing on the back You tell me like is this weird?
Although is it I don't know is this weird Is this weird? I'm also in the color like try to let me know I just see dreadlocks like drink your fucking dreadlocks over my hair Like yeah, that's right. That's really cool. I want to go from like fat ass to badass. You know, I'm saying y'all do pussies Now I've never gotten a tattoo before okay, so I just want some little and some simple nothing too fucking trashy All right, so I'm thinking little heart on the inside of my leg just tiny heart Maybe some corporation of a butterfly maybe something like that And then I'm thinking right above that sort of a storm cloud just goes on and on something resembles that a tsunami or some shit I think above that it's a four horsemen of the apocalypse like insane fucking lightning and then like spudges Just a skeleton army like each fucking cell arm It looks like a bunch of fucking broad swords coming down coming down the hill that is my stomach So me just makes all trees right up here It means all trees and then just fucking mass graves She's like catacombs going all around up down my back up down my asshole and I'll see it You know right up here. It just ends on my tits. It just says fuck you We all said for food, okay, oh I've been collecting milk for I'd say over a year now with milk You got your proteins you got your water it fills you up and it makes you wet Which I think is like the best about worlds all this is band-aids We got so many band-aids. I can get real hurt like You know and that calls me like a band-aids which honestly Not a problem. Now.
Uh, I personally don't like guns, but you gots to protect yourselves. So, uh This year's a cabin. We got a cannonball Boneball for it. It's real good against fighting like one very large intruder Which I think like sends a message to the other intruders like hey We got came a plums watching blade and I won't watch blade to Not blade to the same blade but a different part Like when they put dragon Eddie up in front of the Sun up when it's a sunrise happens He explodes and then next team Stephen Dorst throws his teeth on the table Or only they burn up. They burn a monster vampire a pearl all them UV light they shine on she's like They figure or pretty much anything that uh, anything to fuck it out whistlers in but he's got a lot of good parts Oh |
dropout | SantaCon_Mutant_Melee_Pt_1 | Hey gang, it's Brennan here announcing that Dimension 20 has gotten so big, it needs its own YouTube channel where you can go exclusively for new Dimension 20 content.
That's what everyone here is working on right now. Say hi, industrious workers. Hi, industrious workers.
Oh, you love to see it. Guys, we're really excited. Follow the link in the description to Dimension 20 Show. That's our new channel. And make sure to ring that bell so that you can get notifications about all the cool, awesome, exclusive surprises we've got coming your way. Now stay tuned for episode two, part one, where we find out exactly what is waiting under the ice cocoon. Mwahahaha!
It is a snowy, blustery day. Clear skies over the best in skyline of any city that has ever been or will ever be, it is New York City, baby!
I'm Pete. I am not doing well on the inside. My name is Sophia Lee. I'm sorry, no, it is Sophia Bisicleta. Hey, I'm Kugrash.
I live in the subway tunnels and I take care of the discarded people of New York. My name is Kingston Brown. I am a steward of New York City. I will be here until I die.
I'm Misty Moore. I'm a Broadway diva, lover of dance and light and brilliance. I'm Ricky Matsui. I'm a firefighter and I'm just here to help.
Well, first of all, Santa Claus is real. Awesome. Santa Claus clones himself millions and millions of times and each of those clones goes to the separate houses. Santa deposits his defective clones here in the city. That is SantaCon.
Something's wrong. These SantaCon clones, they're not like normal. They're really dangerous.
You have been awakened into the Unsleeping City. Make your way to Times Square as soon as you can. You see the Times Square is empty.
In the center is an enormous, icy cocoon. You look and see swarming SantaCon clones.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Hello and welcome back to the Unsleeping City. My name is Brandon Lee Mulligan.
These are our intrepid heroes. Say hi, intrepid heroes. Hi, intrepid heroes.
I love it. We descend into Times Square with this strange, icy fortress throbbing with icy blue light and these horrifying Santa mutant clone monsters surround. Did you try to make the most disgusting thing so we couldn't call them cuties? Oh, Santa cuties. For everyone watching at home, the term is corn gremlin. And all right, guys, I'm gonna go ahead here and clear away some of our lovely Times Square. This one has a little candy cane. Santa's little helpers.
That's who we're fighting. They have ripped a man apart. Guys, you guys arrive at the southern end of this part of Times Square. The colored basis is really doing it for me. Yeah. We begin.
You guys see these horrifying, mutated Santa clones, some with huge insectoid carapaces, some with tentacles moving around where their arms should be. Some of them, instead of faces, have circular mouths that open up like little alien mandibles all going, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Griten up, griten up, griten up. You guys arrive at the southern end here. You see that they bristle and chitter and spines erupt from their skin. Kingston, you are the first to act.
Oh, man. Can I do like a, can I look at this shell thing and just try and get a read on it of some kind? Give me an insight check. Great. 12.
It is throbbing with some kind of energy. There is something inside of it that is growing. This is a cocoon.
Got it. Fantastic. And then with the rest of my turn, I'll bless Kugrash, Ricky, and Sophie. Hey, thanks, man. Thank you. I don't know. This is incredibly conscious. This is way better than communion. Yeah. Yeah, your subway token glows and the strength of the city fills your bodies.
That's gonna be Ricky Matsui. I look around. I see them tearing that guy apart and just have to go in. But I also see that she seems like she's about to run in there.
So I cast Shield of Faith as a bonus action on Sophie and then try to walk forward and attack the closest one. Cool. You can move, your speed is 30, so you can move six squares. One, two, three, four, I think. Yeah. What does Shield of Faith do to my AC? You get plus two. Well, it's a concentration thing. So I'm just gonna, just take a regular attack at it. Hell yeah, go ahead and roll your attack.
That is only 13. Only a 13.
I don't add Bless to that, do I? You do add Bless to that.
D4? Yeah, dukes. 14. You hit. Go ahead and roll damage.
This one? No. I think it's the two pyramids. Yeah. Two pyramids. Oh. It's been a while.
I hit for 11. 11 points of damage, awesome.
You run up to that Santa and just, first of all, you grab Sophie. What do you say as you cast Shield of Faith on Sophie?
Just promise me you'll be careful because you seem like you won't. Anything, Mr. March? You take off and you see that your axe thuds into that first mutant there. Roll an insight check for me.
Ooh. 20, not now.
Some of these Santas look to be a little bit more sinewy and tentacly. The one that you ran up to is thicker and kind of rocky or has bone and carapace. So you see that your axe does hurt him badly. Wha, thuds into him. But the sort of rocky, crunchy exterior kind of swallows your axe up a little bit and then you pull it back out. But you do come up, you do deal some damage to him.
Ricky, you sweet boy. Please don't hit me.
You see that that Santa right there does not jump. You see he goes, and a burst of plasm comes out of the backside of him and he rockets up onto the roof of that place.
Oh my goodness. Douchebags are ruining this city. 11, 12, six, seven, eight. This is horrifying.
They're closing and you guys see rushing out of the chrysalis, the three more. One, two, and three. They like squirm and pop out of these very small openings in the front of the chrysalis. The ones around Ricky are going to take swings.
Rick, remind me of your armor class one more time. 18. That's going to be, one of them hits you for seven points of damage with his horrifying claw. I'm at 23. I think you need a roll to maintain concentration, right? When I get hit?
Yeah. Oh. Go ahead and make that roll. 16, yep. Red, the one up on top of the roof rips open his stomach and goes, and is going to make an attack on Pete and he goes ahead and deals six points of damage to you as a burning hot chunk of coal shoots out of his innards and into your face he goes, you're a bad little boy! That's going to be? I'm at 16. Sophie.
Okay, well, I've learned a lot today and my brain is working overdrive to process everything so I'll just do what I do best and get into the fray. Now, I probably have a bit of experience like assessing my opponents because I've been in many schoolyard scraps. Who looks like I want to go after them? Because I'm used to going after the biggest guy. Do I have any kind of like sense of like, you're the biggest threat?
They all look pretty slimy and gross to you at the moment.
All right then, I'm just coming for Mr. March. I'm coming to save you. My name is Ricky, by the way. I just want to make sure that you're aware. Shh, shh. Got it. And I'm going to attack one of the guys who's attacking him. Hell yeah, go for it.
Does a 17 hit? A 17 does hit, yes.
Yes. So that's gonna be six and then with my other elbow, it's gonna be three. We're just gonna leave it at that for now. Hell yeah. You see six and three. Yeah, you run up, pow, pow. You hit this one as well. Will you give me an insight check as well? 19. Wait, no, it's gonna be more than that. It's gonna be 22. You run up to one that I believe yours has a little tentacle there that you're hitting, right? Yeah.
Yours is a little slimier and squishier and you hit it with your fists and you feel that it is hurting it badly. You did deal damage to this thing. The ones that Ricky is fighting look more, even though they're harder, they're also more brittle as a result of that. Just as you're fighting them, just a weird thing that occurs because you hit this guy and he just kind of squishes a little bit.
That's going to be Pete.
Okay, I'm freaking the fuck out. I haven't slept in four days. I think I'm trying to channel whatever that dark voice that took care of my dad was.
Like that button isn't still on my bracelet. Yeah, you touch your bracelet and you hear a bunch of voices whispering.
Pete, I want to help you, let me. Okay, yeah, I invoke that. Awesome. What is Pete sort of thinking at that moment? What's Pete want to have happen? I'm like, I need to blow as many of these away as I fucking can. This day is crazy. Cool, go ahead. If you want to cast Scorching Ray, I think that's probably going to surge up.
You roll a spell attack. Oh, right. Four plus your spell attack, which is right. So you got a 10 on the first one. A 10 does not hit, but you get two more attacks. Oh, I got you. Okay, yeah.
So 15. 15 hits. And 12. And 12, 12 also hits. Oh, cool, cool, all right, great.
So you can either send them at two different people or you can send them at the same person. You can also, they're each separate attacks, so you can see what the first attack does and then decide.
Love it, yeah. Okay, I'll do that. I'll see what this first attack is. Cool, roll 2d6. I guess I'll aim for that guy right in front of me. Cool, go for it. Okay.
Nine. Nine damage.
You explode him. Your fire spell appears to work even better than it, it's like a small amount of fire, but it hits him and. Oh, cool.
You, yeah, hold your hand out and you hear behind you like this, just these whispers going like, everyone's ever, everyone's dreamed of burning alive. Everyone's dreamed of burning alive and now it's time for you to dream too.
And that Santa looks you right in the eyes and goes, no, there's another equation.
Whoa. Okay. Hey, good job kid, you're really good at this. You're gonna kill it, people. Thanks. You're gonna fit in great here. I could kill anyone, honestly. Good job, Tamby. Misty, that's gonna, oh, sorry, second shot. Oh, I have one more. Yeah, yeah, go for it. I'm gonna go for this guy kinda in the cluster also in front of me.
13. Sick. When that happens, he explodes into peppermint. Roll me a dexterity saving throw. Yikes.
Oh, blessed. You're blessed, dawg. Did you roll a 14? Please do not forget to get blessed. You're fine.
You only take three points of cold damage as this horrifying mutant erupts in fire and peppermint goes everywhere.
I'm at 20. That is going to be Misty. I would like to do an investigation or arcana check on this situation. Go ahead, roll either one. Great. I don't have good for either of them, but. 16.
You're looking at it and you can tell that something inside of that is, again, pupating is about to come out and that it's not only producing these clones here, it is transforming actively within that chrysalis. I turn to Kingston and say, there's something in there, we gotta get it. Do you wanna go inside? That's my question. I'm thinking about it. I'm also thinking about going inside.
Did you guys see how I just lit them on fire? Yes, you're magical. You'll get used to it. I didn't even use my gun. That's literally cool. Just be careful with that in the future. Okay, yeah, I will. Thanks, bro.
He's really annoying. What?
I say, I'm trying to go inside, I think. So I'm gonna move as close to, can I take a dash action and get as close to this thing as possible? Yeah, you can move 12 squares with a dash action. One, two, wait here, cause a bunch of things are gonna come out of here in a second.
Gotcha. That's Misty, that is your turn. What are your hit points total? 27. Okay, okay, okay. Unless you wanna use a bonus action. Oh yes, and I will turn around and say, by the way, Kingston, as always, that coat looks fabulous on you. And I give you bardic inspiration.
Woo! Yay! Thank you, Misty. Hell yeah. Kugrash, that's you, baby. Sweet.
I start rushing towards the old cocoon here. One, two, three, four, five. I have 25 speed.
And then I'm going to create a flaming sphere and send it in. Yeah. Make it as an action within 60 feet. So I'll do it like where I can see it. And then as a bonus action, I can move it up to 30 feet. So I'll, whoo. Hell yes.
Do you make an attack roll for that or is it a saving throw? The sphere stops. If it hits someone, they have to do a dexterity saving throw if they're in the way.
Gotcha. And you're sending it up through the channel? Yeah, I'm just gonna send it in the old doorway. Hell yeah. Go ahead and roll damage for me from the flaming sphere. Okay, sweet.
I think it's just 2D6 damage on a failed save. It stops once it hits one person so it doesn't go through a bunch of people. Eight damage.
You send it in there and you guys hear the deepest, most terrifying roar from within there and the light inside the chrysalis begins to glow. Kugrash, what'd you do? Yeah. Come out of here, you stupid cocoon.
I know you're not a butterfly. Butterflies are nice.
Yeah, and the thing you send in there, by the way, it's like, I imagine Kugrash just like rips a dirty rat hand along and just sparks some of the residual oil in the asphalt and this nasty trash ball of like oil fire. It's like one of those days where you think of magical fire and you think like, brilliant, bright. This is like so smoking that you almost can't see the fire in the middle.
Ugh!
Awesome, that's gonna go back and be Kingston. I guess I'm gonna chase after these other two, so I guess we go one, two, three, four, five. Can I go through this square? If you're taking a double, yeah, you can take a double.
Six, seven, eight, nine, okay, now I have to stand up. Nine, 10, 11, 12.
Hell yeah. Great. Awesome, that's gonna be Ricky.
Okay, so the one in front of me is the kind that seemed brittle. The one to the right of me seemed softer.
Yes, correct. Okay, I'm just gonna hit the softer one just to see what would happen if I hit it with like slashing damage. Cool, go for it. Roll an attack. 19? 19 definitely hits. Cool. And are you going for the one that Misty already kinda, yeah, cool. Awesome.
Sofia.
Yes, doing that one. Where is my DA? What am I looking for? Yeah, here we go. No.
Ooh, I hit it for 15. You hit it for 15?
Yeah. This thing looks and it's just this gooey, oozing tentacle and it looks at you and says, don't bring that home for the da da da da. And you split it, it explodes and each of you need to make an dexterity saving throw. Yeah. Okay.
Only got a five. I got 16. You got 16, you got a five.
You take four cold damage, Sofia you take two. Okay. But you see that it's super effective. Well, your ax glows bright and the power of civic responsibility flows through your veins.
That guy dead. Then. Forgot they explode. Now it's gonna be these dudes, I'm afraid.
Oh no. You feel something in there battering its way out, trying to like hatch out of this chrysalis. Hey, don't do it, buddy. It's fine, stay asleep. Kugrash, stop yelling at it.
Just speaking in bug. You see these mutants.
This guy comes here. This guy's gonna take a step over here. This guy goes over here. Right on. This guy here.
Okay. But you see that no other Santas come out of the chrysalis now that the fire's in there. Dope. And this guy is going to fly down with our boy, Pete. Cool. Pete, go ahead and make a dex saving throw for me. Five. Cool.
You go ahead and take five points of cold damage. I am going to need, oof, this is gonna be brutal. I'm gonna need Kugrash to make two dexterity saving throws.
Remember you're blessed. You're blessed, man. I am blessed, good.
I have pretty good dex. Matt 20. Oh, nice. Cool, and roll me another one. I'm just gonna roll one on the second one. Oh, you're blessed. 10, second one. 10 is exactly what you needed. Thank goodness.
The first one you take no damage from. The second one, you only take three points of cold damage.
I'll describe what's happening in a moment. I'm gonna need Sophie to make three dexterity saving throws. Okay. Three?
Disgusting. Whatever's happening right now is disgusting.
Right. First one is gonna be 25. I'm a dextrous. Oh, Nat one, yeah, two ones. So that's gonna be an eight. And then the other one is gonna be a 18. 18, cool.
You take, Jesus, you take, Jesus like, oh, I got a whole one. You only take seven points of cold damage. Yeah, still feels good.
Ricky, I'm gonna need you to make one, two, three, four, five dexterity saving throws. Ricky! That's too many.
How does his math work out? He definitely blessed the right people because we're all making.
Eight for the first one. Failure. Eight for the second one. We're gonna bless better. 18 for the third one.
Cool. Nat 20. Hey! No damage. And then, okay, so two of them. I will need Kingston and Misty to each make two saving throws as well. Dexterity? Yes, dexterity. Cool.
Kingston, you take four points of cold damage. And Misty, you take seven points of cold damage.
You guys see that all these, the thing inside here screams. All of the mutant Santa clones go. Holy night! And pull their mouths open and go. And a torrid of razor sharp peppermint spines as they all breath weapon all over you guys at the same time, shredding your bodies with like cold and peppermint. And the smell of like pine and mint and bile is mixed into the air together.
It's fine, it's fine. New York, what do you expect? Club rest. Mint in there. It's fine. Club rest, please.
You were living in a very different, my friend. You know, same place. Incredible. That's going to be. Oh, I actually have to roll the maintain concentration because I got my flaming sword. Oh, you do as well. Do I also need to? As you take a spell. So yours.
I got a 20. Cool. I got, I don't think I did it. I didn't do it. I only got a nine. Yeah.
The flaming sphere is gone.
Do I have to do it for bless? For bless, yes you do. Great.
On a constitution. It's a constitution, I do not.
The bless disappears as you guys are eviscerated by this peppermint storm. That's going to be Sophie. Okay. I am done wasting my time with henchmen. I'm going after that chrysalis and I'm going to use a key point to dash so that I can run over here and into here. I'll take their attacks of opportunity. Okay. Confident. They miss you.
So you take a dash. So I take my dash.
I want to slide in here. Like home plate style. So go ahead and give me an acrobatics check. You also say by the way that, and I'll throw this at you as you're running towards it, because of the fire and because of the thing inside battering its way out, you also see that the structure of this also looks incredibly weak right now. Just throw that out there. But if you want to slide in, you're totally welcome to. I want to slide in and attack whatever's in there. Absolutely. While it's trying to form itself. So acrobatics. Cool.
I got an 11.
You slide in and the ice tunnel closes on you and you're not able to slide all the way into the. But you have an action left. So there's a bone you had, cause you did your movement. You had a bonus action dash. So you have a full action left if you want.
Can I just heave that off me? Yeah. You can either do athletics or a savings route. I'll do athletics. Cool. 19. You trapped under here, go to lift. And as you were going there, you hear a voice somewhere deep inside you. Go. It is what it is.
You fling the entire chrysalis off into the sky. You feel a power in your body and a sense of purpose that you honestly haven't felt in a long time. And you guys watch the ice scatter and the dome flying into the sky.
Oh wait, no, Santa's down there. Honestly guys, more like miracle on 42nd street.
She says, we just watched a drunk woman flip a giant ice cocoon up into the sky. It like shatters against one of the buildings and turns into snow.
I tend to Kingston and be like, just like old times.
I mean, I'll tell you. Hey, did anyone see that? Yeah, we saw it. It was very good. Thank you. Pete, that's gonna be you.
Jesus Christ, Santa's my friend and he's dead. Or very hurt. He looks awful.
Okay, can I run up onto this? Yes, you can either use magic to do, if you have magic, you do that or you can make an acrobatics check to get up on there. Yeah, I'll do that. Do you have any acrobatics check? Ally, you are a bad roller. The table of acrobatics. What is that? What do I add to that? Just your acrobatics.
It'll just be your decks unless you have, so three, so eight. Eight.
You go to climb up on here. Also this Santa's gonna get an attack of opportunity on you.
Is there one there? There's one that, yeah, with you. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Definitely hits, four, and deals you five points of damage with a claw as you rush past.
And you start to try to clamber up and you hear a voice in your head saying, and you can't get up. You can't, you're scrambling to try to get up. You feel the weird rising sense in your stomach.
Also, one thing we forgot to do last round when you were doing some magic was to roll for wild magic surge. Please go ahead and roll for wild magic surge now. Oh, yeah, cool.
17.
We're also gonna be doing a homebrew rule here with your wild magic, which is that every time you don't wild magic surge, the chance of you wild magic surging goes up by one. Okay, so I have to roll twice. Or rather you roll at the same time, but now on a one or two, you surge.
Oh, okay, it grows? The longer it grows, it builds up.
Cool, you can't make it up there, but you do have your action left. Great, great, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to get back in touch with that darkness because it felt like it was helping me and these new friends. So I'm gonna try to attack this big daddy. Yeah, go for it. Can I reach that with 120, 120 feet? 120, yes, you can definitely do.
Okay, I'm going to do Scorching Ray, but this time I'm gonna use a sorcery point to add one more. So instead of three people, I can do four. Is that one of the powers you have with sorcery points? Yeah, sorcery, I guess I can use a point per level of the spell to add an extra thing to it or like an extra cool. What's the name of that ability? I think it's just something I can use for sorcery, sorcery points for. Okay, I'm not seeing, in order to do extra damage, or are you doing sorcery points to make an extra spell slot? It would be using a sorcery point to pick an extra person to attack.
Oh, you just get one more ray with that? I think so. Okay. But I could be wrong, I'm down to check it. You know what, I'm down. You can take another ray with a sorcery point, we'll figure it out later. Does that sound?
I think it might just be spell slots, but I haven't played it. I think it's just spell slots.
If you wanna use both your sorcery points to add another ray, I'll house rule that we can do that this time. Cool, go ahead and roll your four attacks. Cool. 11. Plus your? Oh, right. That's a 17. That hits. 19 plus six, 25. That hits. 21. And nine. Roll damage for your first three attacks. Cool. These are D6s. Yeah, come on. Yes. Need one more? We have one more. There you go. Those are. Those D6s going.
Get them hot. Oh my goodness, so chunky. Get them hot.
Oh. Nice. All right, that's good. Yeah. 18. 23. Hell yeah.
All on Big Daddy.
Pete, go ahead and tell me. You reach out to the voice and the voice in the darkness goes, it is right. What happens as Pete raises his hand?
You can feel this is powerful magic. Yeah, I feel, I do feel like it's evil, but I'm like, I have always been someone who lives in the night and maybe that's just me now. So I'm like, thank you. And then I attack.
Your, the flesh and bone of your arm explodes out like a banana, peeling apart, going, whoa! And a torrent of flame shoots out and you see that the flame is filled with these little beaked goblins or something made of fire going like, yay, we're all coming! As they shoot out, and rend the chest of this giant Santa thing. And your arm starts to like stitch itself back together.
You feel insane and like high. This is awesome. Head and roll another wild magic surge for me. 17. You're good.
What's the worst thing that could happen in a wild magic surge? You could kill your entire party.
I'm here for it. I'm here for the gamble. That's going to be misty.
I would like to take a five foot step back. I can take a five foot step back without getting an attack of opportunity. A five foot step is actually a 3.5. As long as you don't leave the threatened area, you're fine.
So I would like to cast Faerie Fire, which is a first level spell on this little monster guy. And he has to win a, he has to beat a dexterity saving throw and if he does not beat the dex throw, we gain advantage on all attacks against him.
Really? Yes. Ooh, that seems extremely. I'll read it out to you if you like. No, that's great.
So he has to roll a dex save. What's the DC for your spells? DC is 14.
Ooh boy. You know what? It's the first battle. Let's bring out our old friend, the Box of Dome. Ooh. Once again, bringing out our old friend, the Box of Doom for important roles here.
Our friends are in the middle of a frozen Times Square fighting these horrifying Santas and their giant hive queen Santa Claus is just appeared. We're now going to roll because that Santa is gonna make a little old saving throw. Tell you right now that this Santa makes that throw on a 13 or higher to see if the spell affects it.
We'll go ahead and roll. It rolled a five. Yeah.
Misty, what does your spell look like as you cast it? A beautiful, sparkly, almost like Disney princess-esque circle of lights enshroud him and like ding off of him and little trink, like plinky bells.
You will never be naughty. Darling, I love to be naughty.
Incredible. Kugrash, it's gonna be you. Sweet. Oh boy. Everyone's so. Okay. Kingston, you got a friend Ricky here.
I think I'm gonna head back for Ricky in a second. Okay. Then I'm gonna, I guess I'll create another flaming sphere and shoot it at him. That'll be my last second level spell. But I'm gonna do that. Hell yeah. Go ahead and this guy's gonna make a save.
What's your DC on that? My DC is 14.
Awesome, go ahead and roll damage. 10. Yeah. And then I'm just gonna have it chill up in his. You see that this garbage, oily fireball attacks this giant monster. Kingston, that's you.
Can I, what's the state of Santa? You look down, make a medicine check for me. Is he all right? Is he okay? What is the state of Santa?
That's gonna be 28. Santa is badly injured, but still bleeding. Okay. All right, I think of my old friend Santa, but I notice how awfully hurt Ricky Matsui is right now. I can heal myself. To what extent though? I have a cure wounds and I lay on hands. Still.
I think I'll do healing words so I don't have to get all up in the juices with the hive queen. Oh, don't talk about the juices.
Okay, so you're gonna bonus action healing word. Awesome. Oh, I forgot to give you a bonus action. What is that? Do I just roll D4 plus my spell casting modifier? Yes, you do. This could be eight.
What do you say to Santa? Santa, get your up. Merry Christmas.
He vomits a bunch of peppermint eggs out of his. It laid eggs in me, it laid eggs in Jolly Hoosay Lake.
They call out to you from dropout.tv. Will you not run to their aid with your free trial today?
You lay every Santa goes perfectly in your arms. You do so much for all of us. Someone needs to look out for you. |
dropout | hardly_working_something_different | I mean, I'm willing to go along with it. I'm just saying, Streeter's beard is gonna be scratchy! It's not a beard thing! All of our heads just can't fit together at the same time! Oh my god! How are you just gonna keep on debating it when we could find out if we just kissed each other right now? Hey boys!
Notice anything different about me? You got your bangs trimmed.
Well, yeah, actually- What is that, like a quarter inch? No, it's a third of an inch, right?
I love it! It really opens up your face! Hello, Schneider! It doesn't close it.
Alright, whatever. Lucky guess.
And you got a new dress! Actually, no. I've worn this dress once and for- Once before, June 8th. Yeah, but you lost it and then you just rediscovered it in your closet this morning.
Isn't that the best?! Yes it is. Ah, I gotta spit. There's something else too. Nope, I think that's it. You got a bikini wax! Double French! Nice choice. I know it hurts, but it's the one your boyfriend likes. Alright, if you guys know everything, then what am I thinking about right now? Beauty school, Sarah. Again! Look, we know you're afraid to fail, but you can't succeed if you don't try. Alright, that's enough.
I'm going to- Your girlfriend's for lunch! Oh, take a cab though. Somebody's gonna get stuck on the bridge for 20 minutes. Yeah, and we're extra sorry for the phone call you're about to receive. Okay, well that one's not true, but we got like 19 in a row right before the- You guys never notice anything about me! The bigger things on your plate, the tumor just started crawling on your right arm.
He knows! He knows, I know! We know!
Shut up! Four-way kiss, let's do it. |
dropout | the_most_powerful_object_in_the_universe_does_what_exactly | He took the arm! The dangers of the armpit glare! To the groovy scooter! Bring the candidate.
And I'm sorry gang, but we're going to have to postpone the talent show. So, so sorry.
I thought we could talk it out. Everyone makes mistakes. Una, dear Una, you are so understanding, Una dea- You guys wanted to see me? Didn't you see what just happened?
Your stupid friend stole the orb! And my ship. Vin? Do you have other stupid friends? Yeah, tons, but Vin hates stealing. Though we did just get in a huge, possibly friendship-ruining fight.
They didn't like you becoming a wayfinder, did he? No, he didn't. I just wanted him to be happy for me. I bet he took the orb on purpose, to get you in trouble, to ruin your joy. But he has underestimated the power of love!
We forgive you, Mara. That's so nice. I really love it here. I love you. God, I said it. I... I love you. That's kind of a lot to put on us right up top, but okay. God, sorry, was that too early? We love you also. Sorry, what did you say? We love you also. I love you. You once guarded the orb.
We need to know everything about it. Obviously, we know what it does.
Obviously.
But rumor has it, the orb continues within it. The secrets to galactic domination. Mm-hmm. It's powerful. Right. Yeah, I would hope it was powerful. Okay, in your own words, laser to your head, you had to explain it. What is the orb?
I don't know. I just kind of feel like I would have to show you. Like, once we have it, I can just show you what it does, because you seem like kind of like a visual learner. He's not. He seems like it to me.
Rumor has it that in the hands of the right person, it could tell about the space-time contributor. Is that true? Who can say? I heard this!
Mara, does the orb give us the power to subscribe to Dropout? Ooh, yeah, could be. That would let us watch the rest of this episode and the rest of the series. And we could use it to see our futures. Oh, like in Spaceballs.
This is a totally different game. I'm sorry, I just feel like it's been done. Just go to Dropout.tv and sign up, OK? This is a parody, right? None of this was serious. Just don't engage.
Now, about the orb. What? The orb. What? The orb.
Sorry. You'll hear me if you stop talking. You keep talking, same time, sorry. I'm going to say it on three. One, two, three, the orb. Why did you talk? |
CrackerMilk | how_girls_help_each_other | Connor?
What's up babe? Please stop breathing, I don't know what to do. I need your phone. Give me your phone! Okay, what's your code? I don't even know your code. It's 4456. Okay, who's Jenny? That's my boss from work. You're texting her every day.
Can you come in? Come inside of her? Coming to work!
Your friend's dying. I'm googling how to do CPR, cause I forgot. And your search history. Have you never used incognito mode, Connor? What the fuck is wrong with you? Google how to do CPR!
You know what, the Jenny thing, this is just feeling like a really big red flag. You know what I mean? I told you, major red flag. I agree. Let's go babe. Can I have my phone?
Raid Shadow Legends is a dark fantasy RPG with epic battles, powerful champions and beautiful graphics. They're the ones that are sponsoring us. You know how hard it is for this channel to get support like that. So god damn, god bless them, Raid Shadow Legends, you beautiful bastards. They're bringing in all of these god damn new characters and my god, the character design is good. My three favorite champions in Raid are Krizia, Arbiter and Bard el Khazar. I think they play really well and sort of encapsulate the best parts of Raid. They also have an animated series, Raid Call of the Arbiter based on the game. It came out last month and already one of the characters, Artak, is now available for you to play.
This does, it just crosses over. It crosses over. The lore expands. You sign up and you play the game. They get us to talk about it.
You get free stuff. If you haven't played Raid before, now's the time because if you're a brand new player and you scan our QR code or click our link in the description, you get a bunch of free loot. That's right, a bunch of free loot. Thank you, Raid. |
dropout | robert_reich_explains_the_credit_downgrade | Hello, I'm Robert Reich, former U.S. Secretary of Labor.
We all know about Standard & Poor's recent downgrading of the United States credit rating. Today I'd like to explain what these downgrades actually mean for the country. Now that our rating has dropped from a AAA to AA+, you can expect higher interest rates and higher costs for home loans. Should we be downgraded to the next rating, AA, not only will the value of the dollar likely drop as much as 10%, but the White House doomsday phone will be powered by Boost Mobile.
At AA-, every bonefish grill in the nation will become a red lobster. This brings us to A+. Sorry America, we won't be going to Busch Gardens this year, instead we'll be doing a day trip to the Anthracite Coal Museum. No complaining. At AA, Canada and Mexico will become so embarrassed by America they'll start telling their friends they're separated by an ocean. Should we be downgraded to an A-, America will need to swallow its pride and move back into England's house. Also all red lobsters will become Long John Silver's. At the BBB plus rating, John Boehner's tan will be repossessed. The BBB rating will cause our national anthem to become the sound of a single coin rattling in a tin cup. Also our flag will have to choose between stars and stripes, and Long John Silver's are now Arthur Treacher's. At BBB minus, things will be so bad that the American people will collectively forget the meaning of the thumbs up gesture. At BB plus, Chinese President Hu Jintao will present the state of New Hampshire to his wife as a half birthday present. At BB, she'll return it and buy a slap chop instead. And Arthur Treacher's is now Benny's chowda shack, run by Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. At BB minus, John Travolta from Phenomenon will lose his telekinetic powers. And finally, should the US be downgraded to the B plus rating, Standard & Poor's would upgrade Osama bin Laden back to alive.
The answer is simple. In the short term, we need jobs and growth to deal with the long term problem of our national debt. So please, don't cut public spending now. No one wants Ben Bernanke making clam chowda. Gross. |
SaturdayNightLive | cold_opening_donald_trump_saturday_night_live | And now a special message from the star of Nbc's new hit show, The Apprentice, Donald Trump. good evening, I'm Donald Trump. of course, most of you know who I am already because I'm rich and I'm handsome. if you're a man, you want my life. if you're a woman, well, I've got what you want, Okay? I'd like to talk about my new show on Nbc, The Apprentice. like everything I do, it's going to be big and bold and sexy and full of class, Okay? Over the next 13 weeks, I'll be looking for someone with an appreciation for the classier things in life, like solid gold telescopes and 40-foot Tvs, Okay? My men contestants, I'm going to be looking for someone handsome like myself, a real businessman, someone not afraid to kick the other guy in the balls. In the women, I'm not going to lie to you, Okay? I'm going to look for the long legs and big knockers. the one that wins will get a job with a huge salary and a very rare chance to look into my somewhat glamorous lifestyle that my marble and gold apartment designed after some of the great palaces of Iraq. they'll see my many classy resorts and casinos.
This is a true story. I just learned yesterday that my own Taj Mahal in Atlantic City was in the first Taj Mahal.
But I guarantee you, it's the best, all right? For instance, all this week, you can catch the incomparable Dion in the Belmonts shot on in the Xanadu showroom, But where was I? Ah, yes, my show, The Apprentice. Of course, The Apprentice is just The beginning. Look, let's just face it.
Nbc is in the crapper, all right? Friends is going soon. Seinfeld is gone. this is a real devalued piece of property, and I know a thing or two about property. what Nbc needs is class, And let's face it, Nobody Alive has more class than me, All right? When I fixed the Miss Universe pageant, I said, smaller bikinis and higher heels. Well, the same goes for Er, All right? For my money, nothing classes up in the Er room like a huge jiggly pair of boobs. And all right, Will and Grace, we need to put a man on that show, Okay? we need to put a man on there, because here you have Megan Mullally, All right? standing there, and I mean, good God, somebody's got to hit that thing.
I think that would be terrific. And what about fear Factor? Fear factor, I wouldn't touch it. it's the classiest show on the top. I swear to God it is. But I would not hesitate, however, to Yank Brokaw, All right? in fact, how does Nbc Nightly News with Donald Trump sound? Good, right? I think it'd be terrific.
Hold up there, Donald. hold up there, Donald. Who is this guy? Hi, I'm the President of Nbc Entertainment, Jeff Zucker. I just want to say how excited we are at Nbc to have Donald Trump as part of our new mid-season lineup. we expect big things from The Apprentice, but of course, this isn't the Donald Trump Network. How about we cut this short and we can return to regular programming? you haven't been kicked in the balls. Nbc is proud to bring a distinguished and classy gentleman like Donald Trump to the network.
So without further ado, we'll just say. Oh, no, no, no, don't you dare. No One is going to stop Donald Trump from saying, lie From New York, it's Saturday night. |
cracked | 4_reasons_pinocchio_is_secretly_terrifying_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello, my name is Daniel O'Brien and welcome to another mysterious episode of Possessive Pop Culture Disorder, the only show on the internet that my dad calls. I know the world is changing, but I still wish people your age didn't curse so much.
Today's episode explores Pinocchio is a classic morality tale, teaching children that if you work hard, avoid fun, and never lie, you will lose your inability to feel pain and transform into a fragile meat sack with a finite amount of time on this planet. It feels like you'd be better off staying as a terrifying immortal wood creature, if you ask me. Your one downside is the no lying thing, but you wouldn't even need to lie if everyone fears you, Popsicle Pete, but okay, whatever. For those who haven't seen the movie in a while, Geppetto is the lonely woodworker who wishes on a star that he can have a child of his own, and then a blue fairy shows up to turn a wooden doll of his into a still wooden doll, but one with consciousness and the ability to move freely for whatever reason. He's not real yet, not until he, and not Geppetto, passes some tests. It seems weird that wishes come with conditions, and weird still that it falls on Pinocchio to earn his realness when he never asked to exist in the first place, but within seconds of being born, Pinocchio is told that he is not a real boy.
F***ed up. Imagine being born and feeling like you're alive and fine and the same as everything else, and then a beautiful being shows up to be like, not so fast, you're different, in a bad way, you need to be better if you want to be real. Why wouldn't you just make him real, fairy? Damn! In Catholicism, when babies are born with original sin, we don't ask the babies to fix it, just sprinkle some water on them.
Also, his instructions are hard for anyone to follow, let alone a child who is minutes old. He was told that if he wants to be a real boy, all he needs to do is Prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish. He's not alone in this. To help him along his journey, he's got Jiminy Cricket and...
Geppetto. Pinocchio's situation is incredibly unique. He goes from not existing to suddenly being like eight years old with a fully developed vocabulary, but none of the other skills a typical child would acquire over those eight years. Pinocchio's name and how to sing and rotate his freaky body 360 degrees, but he doesn't know the difference between right and wrong, or how to avoid danger, or that hats with feathers are for pimps like Robin Hood Fox, and you, sir, are no Robin Hood Fox. My point is, there's no precedent for Pinocchio's existence, and I don't know who in the world would be my top choice for guardian for this very specific situation. I don't know who is most equipped to handle a sudden, blank slate child, but it's not Geppetto. Geppetto does nothing in the way of acclimating Pinocchio to society.
As soon as Pinocchio is born, or happens, or whatever, all Geppetto does is like, that's a fish, and that's a cat, this is dancing, you're my son, and then they go to sleep, because Geppetto insists, Sorry, I've got to go to school. Why? Pinocchio gets sent to school the first time he sees the son. Go to sleep now, you've got school in the morning, why is right, Pinocchio? First of all, Geppetto, what the f**k, I want a child, I'm so lonely, what I want is a child, and before they've even spent 24 hours together, he's like, well, you better get going now, go be a long good boy, because I wanted to really experience the pleasure of immediately sending him away.
Second of all, what was your plan? Geppetto gives Pinocchio an apple, a single book, and says, go to school, or how time works, or literally anything. Geppetto, then you sent him out into the world completely alone, so anything could have happened to him. I mean, in point of fact, a talking fox named Honest John that stands and walks like a man, kidnapped him and sold him to a gypsy named Stromboli Offensive who runs a puppet show, because Honest John can immediately see the value of marionette that operates without strings. But to answer your question in a general sense, literally anything could have happened. Anything.
A bunch of us could have run a gambling pool on things that could happen to shiny, stupid Pinocchio today on his first day of life, and someone could have put money on talking fox, kidnapped him, and the rest of us would be like, hey, maybe, because there's talking foxes here. Also, I have more reason to suspect that Geppetto might not totally be the best guardian for anyone. Let's not forget that when Pinocchio goes missing, Geppetto goes out looking for him, and... He went looking for you, and he was swallowed by a whale. He didn't slip on the slick streets or get hit by a carriage or struck by lightning or something almost normal. He got swallowed by a whale, something that's so hard to accidentally do when you're looking for a wooden puppet who only knows the land. At what hour did Geppetto think Pinocchio's been gone for so long?
You know what?
I bet he's at sea. Let me just grab my cat, and my fish, and my boat, and go to wherever is not equipped for anything.
Who is going to watch Geppetto when this movie is over? I never thought it would end this way, Figaro, starring to death in the belly Really?
Because a bunch of us did. It was in our gambling pool about you.
Also, let's look at this scene. Geppetto's just finished playing with Pinocchio, and a ton of clocks start going off. And after a full 30 seconds of that, Geppetto says... You wonder what's... It's whatever time you set all nine f***ing hundred alarms for, you old maniac. Hey, speaking of Geppetto being a maniac, I'm like you. I was an audience member who saw Geppetto build the kid, then watched the magic being grand at sentience, and then I watched the kid learn a lesson, then help make him a real boy.
But no one in their town saw that, so...
What happens next? Geppetto will just show up to church one day with an eight-year-old child no one's ever seen before and claim it as his son, Pinocchio. And his friends, I'm being generous, would be like, Holy f***, everyone stop church right now. Hey, Geppetto, where the f*** did you get that kid? Tell me right this second.
And what do you say to that? What non-creepy explanation can a kooky old single man give to ease everyone's concerns? And you'd have to imagine there's some weird sex stuff going on, right? Between them? The kid would seem clearly brainwashed. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_colin_jost_interviews_rep_george_santos_snl | Scientists made a stunning breakthrough in the field of nuclear fusion, which may lead to limitless clean energy. here to comment is the man behind the research. Oh no, it's George Santos. scientist's name. No, you're George Santos and you've been all over the news lying about basically every part of your life.
Maybe. Well, you lied about going to Nyu. you did. you lied about working at Goldman Sachs. I filled the Gold Man Sachs. you lied about your mom dying in 9-11? I think I said 7-11. No. no, you even lied about being Jewish. No, I said I was Jew-ish, which is honestly icon-ic. Okay. I mean, I said that because my grandparents were in the Holocaust. Oh My. God, Really? yeah, yeah, they actually knew Anne Frank. my ancestors were the ones that told her, you should be writing this down. that cannot be true.
George, people need to know who you are. Okay. well, I am George Santos, Mr. Valder if you're nasty. I graduated on a volleyball scholarship from Baruchata, Adonai University, four years of Michigas, and I am a proud representative from my district in Long Island, New Jersey.
What are you talking about? come on, hang on. Madonna's calling me. Hello? yeah, like a virgin? I remember I was there. I was the virgin.
Okay, love you, see you at home. George, we don't believe anything you're saying. Well, by the way, I know that I look Asian, but that's because my maiden name is Chow, as in Fogo de Chow, because I'm Brazilian. right, I got it.
Okay, George, well then can you explain how you suddenly became a millionaire, especially after being linked to the nephew of a Russian oligarch? Okay, well, that's nothing. the only connection I have to Russia is that my great-granduncle was Rasputin, and my great-grandmother was the little bat in the movie. from Anastasia? Yeah, from Anastasia. Meg Ryan's in it, and Kirsten Dunst plays young Anastasia.
Wow. I have to ask, can you physically Not stop lying? Colin, I'm not a liar, Not like balloon Boy, that boy who lied about being in a balloon. remember him? Because that was me. No, it was not. I'm not lying, okay? They made me take a lie detector test before I came in here.
Look. that is a Covid test. Hold on, Madonna's calling me. she's calling you on the Covid test?
George, this has To Stop. You Have To Stop lying. there's no law against lying.
Look at you. you're wearing makeup. Okay, isn't that a lie? letting everyone think you're gorgeous? But George, I am gorgeous.
Whoa, buddy. I just don't understand why Republicans won't condemn you. I mean, they promoted you to two committee assignments. Yeah, of course they did, Colin. I'm a team player, and the sport is lies. at least mine are fun. Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor-green's over here saying 9-11 didn't happen. I just said it happened to me. George Santos, everyone. |
cracked | famous_lasts_from_history | Here are some fascinating lasts from throughout history. The last survivor of the Titanic lived to be 97 years old and passed away in 2007. Milvinea Dean was only nine months old when the ship went down and she doesn't remember a thing. But she still refused to watch James Cameron's blockbuster because while she survived, her father didn't and she didn't really wanna watch that and be traumatized. Speaking of the Titanic, if you saw it during the 90s or 2000s, there's a good chance you pulled it out of one of these bad boys. As VHS gave way to DVDs, the production of them dwindled and eventually stopped altogether. Of course, that means there had to be one final movie distributed on VHS. And that movie was David Cronenberg's A History of Violence. Now, if somebody asked you when the last woolly mammoth died out, you'd probably think the Ice Age. But a small population of mammoths still roamed an island in the Arctic up until only about 4,000 years ago. Meaning that there are Egyptian pyramids that were completed before the woolly mammoth's time on Earth was up. |
TheOnion | Representative_To_Rid_Congress_Of_Gang_Members | I rise in support of HR 1277, the Gang Prevention and Community Safeguard Act. Now this bill is a comprehensive approach to a growing national threat, violent, criminal gangs in our communities.
Friends, you know me, I grew up in a small town, Frankton, Indiana. It used to be a perfect place to raise a family. But today, that peaceful town I loved is really just a memory. That's all because gang members like this now terrorize this once happy little town. Just recently my neighbors of 30 years, the Donahue's, moved out of their home. Who moved in?
Three gang members. Their male leader claims he is in mergers and acquisitions, gang code for drug smuggling operations. His wife? She spends lots of time in their garden, probably harvesting marijuana to sell to neighborhood children. Gangs have become endemic to every aspect of our society. People can no longer even go to the fast food restaurant, order a hamburger without worrying that the gang member serving it might be placing crack cocaine between the packs. What's worse, even this very Congress is now riddled with gang members. As I look out over this once august body, I see four gang members sitting here. Immediate action must be taken. Therefore, I urge you to support the Gang Prevention and Community Safeguard Act, which would put all gang members regardless of criminal history where they belong, securely behind bars. |
dropout | xbox_girls_strike_back | Come on, team. We gotta guard the flag. We're practically hanging them around.
Holy shit, you sound hot. What are you wearing? Oh god, not again. Seriously, just tell me what kind of underwear you're wearing. Maybe we could talk about this after the game. Hey, why are you being such an uptake dick about this? It's just a question. Fine. Boxer briefs. I wear boxer briefs. Attention, whore. What? You're such a fucking slut.
Look, I've only told everybody- Look at me. Look at me.
I got balls and sides and grapefruits. And I can't shut the fuck up about it. Look, I'm sorry, okay? I thought you'd stop bothering- Your boy sounds like hot dicks. Uh, uh, my bean is straight throbbing. I can almost taste your nad sweat on my tongue. Hey, shit for balls. Check your inbox. Just sent a pretty sick pic of my quivering beef curtains. Gross. I don't know what that means.
I've lost your teeth with my untamed vulva bristles. I'm gonna wear your hairless nuts act like a tube top. I wanna remove the inside of your dick with tweezers. I'm gonna grind your nuts into a powder and straight up snort them. I'll queef in my hand and throw it in your face.
Look, I have a right to play without being harassed. Yeah, you know he's right, girls. He does have a right to be here. Thank you. I'll just play, okay?
Just like I have a right to finger his pee-hole mad deep. And I have a right to wrap my fallopian tubes around his areolas. And I have the right to blow pressurized air into his urethra, inflating his testicles to the size of beach balls. Then I viciously fuck him until they shrivel up like raisins, leaving them withered and useless. And then, in front of his entire extended family, I bend him over, spread his cheeks wide, and go elbows deep until his shits come and come shit.
You girls are jerks. You girls are bitches. You can just go online and be bitches.
I don't care. I'm never playing. I'm never playing again. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Melbourne_New_Zealand_North_Korea_Much_Much_More_14_08_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Rap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin, there's a lot going on in the world, you're joined by myself Clancy Overall editor of the Batutah Advocate and of course Errol Parker editor at large, good afternoon Errol Good afternoon Big C And of course the young ruder Wendell Hussey, how are you mate? Very well Clancy, how are you going? Not bad at all That's good to hear, and before we get into it, the bulletin this week is brought to you by the good people at Manscaped Seems to be a bit of a trend going around at the moment doesn't it, this body sculpting from some of the videos I've had to watch in my role as editor of a newspaper seems like a few NRL players have really been pushing it, of course other footballers as well, have you gotten around to it? Yeah mate I took it out of the box last night and had a bit of a poke around with it. I managed to tape the clipper part into some tongs and I did my back last night, haven't used it on my DNA purse yet, might need to work my way up to that one Wow okay there you go, what about you Wendell? Yeah I've been doing it since I was a teenager, but I find Manscaped's lawnmower really eradicates those problematic red ingrowns you can often get, suck back and crack Right I think that'll probably do us, I'm a bit of a savage garden man myself, I might be a bit too set in my ways Good for you fellas though, but if manscaping is your thing, head to manscaped.com Chuck in the code BATUTA to get yourself 20% off and free shipping, that's manscaped.com Now what's in the news this week Wendell? Well some national news and Melbourne is still looking very European in terms of its numbers of coronavirus cases and we wrote a big story about what Dan Andrews is doing to change that, the premier announced this week that unsullied eunuchs have been hired to guard Melbourne's quarantine hotels from now on Look he's not mucking around either dictator Dan, after the much publicised and since disproven Murdoch rumour of hotel quarantine bungles between horny guards and of course horny overseas travellers, dictator Dan is calling in a horde of eunuchs from Westeros If you aren't aware they are valued mercenaries because they have been castrated and don't succumb to the urges of lust, rape and pillaging Indeed moving along to another part of the world where things are also looking pretty grim and New Zealand has shut down their 7 shops again sending Tim's milk bar to the brink Poor Tim, with that fresh outbreak in New Zealand their economy has ground to a halt and their strip of shops has been boarded up for the next little while And of course if you didn't hear that's caused nearly half of their stock exchange to vanish into thin air with a whopping $45 hit, a bloodbath some economists have described it Yeah well maybe now they'll be able to tone down a bit of that kiwi smugness for a little while there Clancy, particularly with their holy diet he's not likely to be playing any tis-mitches for a little while Yeah Stephen Walsh dropped a comment along those lines, he said New Zealand has just opened back up its VHS video shops only so they can locate a copy and send you guys the footage the last time your country held the Bletterslow Cup Well that's fucking rude Certainly is, in some other international news now and we broke a story a little bit earlier from the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea Oh did you guys only just figure out a vaccine today? Kim Jong-un reportedly told Vladimir Putin Yes the North Korean Supreme Leader who is also a FIFA Ballon d'Or player of the year and Nobel Prize winning scientist was quick to point out this week that Russia isn't the first country to sign off on a vaccine No because Kim cranked the thing out a couple of months ago which is why there isn't a single case of COVID-19 in the hermit republic But we are hearing that the Russian vaccine that Putin has signed off on has a 100% success rate after trials in Siberia Of course the vaccine looks suspiciously like a 7.62mm round Sounds painless though and this week we saw the end of an era Le Snack has been forced to rebrand after revelations they do not come from the Snack region of France Sucre bleu Wendell Yes a bit of sad news here the shitty crackers and delicious cheese style goo that is Le Snack is no more They have been forced to change it after legal action initiated by some companies in the rural Snack region of France You wonder what this means for the fruit and veggie industry now because it likely rules out le mons and le tus Hopefully they remain free from the poisonous touch that is commercial lawyers and political correctness We'll wrap it up with some local news now and a used car dealer has confirmed that every single car in stock was previously owned by little old ladies Yes that's right all of them looked after immaculately and have never been taken over 90 kilometres an hour If you've got a 3000 watt sound system in Olansa well that's just because she had bad hearing And one of these salesmen, Gordon Farkas, the sales manager at Honest John's respectable car Trustorium down in our flight path district said this to us Mate all these great cars are 100% guaranteed to have been owned by a little old lady and you can take one home today you know a car not an old lady Tell you what that Gordon Farkas is gonna get his fucking ass kicked one of these days Wendell A sensational comment though and we had another one on that story from Ashley McElroy who said 300,000 kilometres yeah church was just a 2,000 kilometre round trip every sunday It's a one owner rider And on that note we'll wrap it up for this week Thanks for tuning in as always Have a great weekend and we'll talk to you soon Who wrote? Paul Slaw Comm now what's in the news this week Wendell? Well some national news and Melbourne is still looking very European in terms of its numbers of coronavirus cases and we wrote a big story about what Dan Andrews is doing to change that the premier announced this week that unsullied eunuchs have been hired to guard Melbourne's quarantine hotels from now on Look he's not mucking around either dictator Dan After the much publicized and since disproven Murdoch rumour of hotel quarantine bungles between horny guards and of course horny overseas travellers dictator Dan is calling in a horde of eunuchs from Westeros if you aren't aware they are valued mercenaries because they have been castrated and don't succumb to the urges of lust, rape and pillaging Indeed moving along to another part of the world where things are also looking pretty grim and New Zealand has shut down their seven shops again sending Tim's milk bar to the brink Poor Tim with that fresh outbreak in New Zealand their economy has ground to a halt and their strip of shops has been boarded up for the next little while And of course if you didn't hear that's caused nearly half of their stock exchange to vanish into thin air with a whopping $45 hit a bloodbath some economists have described it Yeah well maybe now they'll be able to tone down a bit of that kiwi smugness for a little while there Clancy Particularly with their holy diet he's not likely to be playing any tis-mitches for a little while Yeah Stephen Walsh dropped a comment along those lines He said New Zealand has just opened back up its VHS video shops only so they can locate a copy and send you guys the footage the last time your country held the Bletterslow Cup Well that's fucking rude Certainly is In some other international news now and we broke a story a little bit earlier this week from the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea Oh did you guys only just figure out a vaccine today? Kim Jong-un reportedly told Vladimir Putin Yes the North Korean Supreme Leader who is also a FIFA Ballon d'Or player of the year and Nobel Prize winning scientist was quick to point out this week that Russia isn't the first country to sign off on a vaccine No because Kim cranked the thing out a couple of months ago which is why there isn't a single case of COVID-19 in the hermit republic But we are hearing that the Russian vaccine that Putin has signed off on has a 100% success rate after trials in Siberia Of course the vaccine looks suspiciously like a 7.62 millimeter round Sounds painless though and this week we saw the end of an era Le Snack has been forced to rebrand after revelations they do not come from the snack region of France Sucre bleu Wendell Yes a bit of sad news here The shitty crackers and delicious cheese style goo that is Le Snack is no more They've been forced to change it after legal action initiated by some companies in the rural snack region of France You wonder what this means for the fruit and veggie industry now because it uh it likely rules out le mons and le tus Hopefully they remain free from the poisonous touch that is commercial lawyers and political correctness We'll wrap it up with some local news now and a used car dealer has confirmed that every single car in stock was previously owned by little old ladies Yes that's right All of them looked after immaculately and have never been taken over 90 kilometers an hour If you've got a 3000 watt sound system in the Lancer well that's just because she had bad hearing And one of these salesmen Gordon Farkas the sales manager at Honnest John's respectable car Trustorium down in our flight path district said this to us Mate all these great cars are 100% guaranteed to have been owned by a little old lady And you can take one home today You know a car not an old lady Tell you what that Gordon Farkas is going to get his fucking ass kicked one of these days Wendell A sensational comment though And we had another one on that story from Ashley McElroy who said 300,000 kilometers Yeah church was just a 2,000 kilometer round trip every Sunday It's a one owner rider And on that note we'll wrap it up for this week Thanks for tuning in as always Have a great weekend And we'll talk to you soon Who wrote? Boleslaw |
cracked | 3_incredible_acting_feats_that_deserve_their_own_awards_yboc_game_of_thrones_star_wars | Hey there nerds, my name is Dr. Jordan Breeding and welcome to another episode of your brand. Just kidding.
Oh, it's another mustachio award ceremony episode. Gotcha, turds. We sure do give out a lot of awards for convincingly lying on camera, like with the Oscars, the Emmys, the Golden Globes, the presidency. But even with the Academy's coke zillion or so categories, there are still some types of acting that deserve their own award ceremony because some super talented actors are performing amazing and surprisingly difficult acting feats and nobody's out there giving them the recognition they deserve, like four.
For decades, Hollywood assumed any sort of first contact with aliens or fairy goblins or whatever would involve everybody speaking perfect English though the non-humans would sport wildly exotic British accents. It turns my stomach. But slowly as nerds consolidated more and more power, we began to demand more from our very serious productions about lasers dragons and laser dragons. No, send you fools, stop, stop. And that's why so many nerd properties now feature their own constructed languages like Dothraki from Gene Roddberry's Game of Thrones or Nabi from Avatar, Klingon from Star Trek. Besides turning our escapism into subtitles, written reading assignments, the biggest problem with creating a fictional tongue is that your linguistic baby will ultimately have to be delivered on screen by non-fluent actors, some of whom will end up dropping it on its head. Cock. Disclaimer, I'm just gonna try and pronounce things off the top of my dome without looking it up because I always look it up and it takes forever and I don't want to do it and I'm lazy and that, you know, it kind of fits the vibe of this section, right?
Anyway, in Star Trek III, The Search for Sperk, Christopher Lloyd plays a Klingon commander simultaneously attempting to murder Kirk and apparently the whole Klingon language. Lloyd's Klingon delivery is so wooden and features so many unnecessary pauses between each word that I'm shocked that the movie's big twist wasn't that he and Kirk were long-lost twins. Does this make Christopher Lloyd a bad actor?
Well, let me answer that question with another question. How dare you?
It's just he has a little trouble putting his heart into made-up lines that must sound to him like a jammed printer. They just don't prepare you for this kind of stuff in acting school, I assume. Can you tell I never went to one? Acting school's even real. Anyway, here's Dan Hildebrand, whose character on Game of Thrones is supposed to be fluent in Valyrian, but instead sounds kind of like a jammed printer. You know, clunky, forced.
Makes me want to slam him. Is that too sexual? Anyway, if you ever had sex with a jammed printer, I did and I loved it.
You see the same problem with naturis, parents, and avatar, or with pretty much every Martian in John Carter. All of them needlessly accentuate every word in their lines because to them, it's just random noise that they had to memorize by ear. And speaking of Martians, Matt Damon didn't even attempt an authentic Martian accent.
Because I'm stupid. But anyway, check out Alicia Demham Carter speaking Try Good As Lang. fuck dude. But check out Alicia Demham Carey speaking Try Good As Lang, the fictional language from the 100. I don't sin in, she be like I gaff sin in. She sounds pretty good, right? Is her name correct? I don't know. Maybe it's because on the show, that crazy-ass language is meant to be future English, so it's easier to mote while speaking it. Or maybe it's because she's pretty young and therefore grew up in geekier times so her brain doesn't subconsciously want to give itself a wedgie for trying to master a skill about as useful in the real world as authentically being able to mimic TIE fighter sounds with your mouth.
This could also explain Emilia Kark's fluent valerian on Game of Thrones or Zoe Saldana's believable Navian avatar. Then there's Elias Gabelle, who plays rock-haro fucking Game of Thrones. You remember him right? I don't seem to. He was the one who died horribly and out of nowhere. Kind of like, well, every character. Anyway, he played a random Dothraki and spoke the made-up language like I hate myself. Effortlessly and without the fucking, without a hint of hesitation. This fucking episode. He sounds so fluent and natural, it's like he's been speaking Dothraki since birth. At times, it's almost like you could sense what he's saying without his subtitles because of how he's saying it.
You want me to just like limp to the end? No notes!
A brilliant performance like that should be rewarded with more than a lame off-screen death. So congratulations, Gabelle, you win. The, I don't know, Golden Chewbacca Award for best made-up on-screen gibberish, which in sure-y look would be.
Rrrr!
Acting in a mask is extremely difficult. Believe me, I've been wearing a mask for most of my life.
He just projects very little confidence, which makes all his movements look exaggerated and stiff and unnatural as if he was starring in a community college play about his own sex life. It's gonna be fun. The problem is that most actors learn to act primarily with their face and ignore the body like a bunch of Gnostics, am I right? You know Gnosticism, the idea that the mortal body's inferior, basically worthless in comparison to the soul? No? Bunch of Irenaeus fans in the chat today, I guess. So whatever, when you put on a mask as an actor, it's sometimes as if they're learning to walk for the first time. It actually only works with, say, Jason from all the Friday the 13th movies because his awkward body language emphasizes his lack of humanity. Son of a bitch. Blah, blah, blah, blah. But with, say, General Klytus and Flash Gordon or the Humongous and Mad Max II, their awkward body language is just awkward.
Klytus can't even die convincingly. Klytus.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have Ryan Reynolds' Deadpool. I know, right? The masked CGI might have had a tiny baby hand in it, but it never feels like you're looking at a faceless character, probably because the masked and unmasked versions are so in sync. They move the same way, they sound the same way, so whenever you see Deadpool, you automatically see Reynolds underneath the mask. Maximum effort.
Then you have Star Wars and Adam Driver's masked and unmasked Kylo Ren, which are essentially two completely different characters. One is a lost child, and the other is basically a young Darth Vader, and despite what Lucas tried to do with the prequels, the two should not be one and the same. I'm a person and my name is- John Cena! While wearing his mask, Kylo Ren is swift and intimidating, but also unpredictable and a little unbalanced while without the helmet, he transforms into a reserved, timid kid who always seems like he's just playing that badass Sith Lord dress-up while the masked Ren is the badass Sith Lord. And that's not even including shirtless Ren, which has a whole other sweaty dimension to the character and also my daydreams.
It's your greatest weakness. Still though, the award for best mask performance can only go to Hugo Weaving as V and V for Vendetta because with him, you can always feel every emotion that he's going through underneath the totally static mask, thanks to Weaving's body language, tone of voice, and the way he knives people in their vital organs. It's subtle, but I think that last one means that he's hungry. For murder? Heh heh heh heh. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbus. And so, the Golden Mask Award for wearing a mask for hours at a time without crying about it like a big baby unlike some people goes to Hugo Weaving. And the award for most out of nowhere segue goes to me for this next transition.
One of the real reason the Hobbit movies can go screw themselves in their Hobbit holes, they made Ian McKellen cry. There is no point in arguing. While filming The Hobbit, Peter Jackson used extensive green screen to make all the dwarf and hobbit actors look fun sized because all that forced perspective camera trickery from the original Ridge is a young man's game. Or at least the game of a man who gives even half a shit about the movie he's making.
I didn't know what the hell I was doing. During one such shoot, McKellen sat alone at a table surrounded by lamps with picture cutouts of his co-stars glued to them that'd be replaced by the scaled-down actors in post when he just broke down crying and said, it's not what I do for living. I act with other people. I don't act on my own.
Well, uh, I believe that word... He still does a phenomenal job in the movie because he's Ian bitch McKellen, which I believe is his legal middle name. But it shows you how difficult it can be to act with a secondary color as your co-star. Another time, when you and McGregor recalled what he didn't like about playing Obi-Wan Kenobi in the Star Wars prequels, he said it was having to deliver already awkward lines at even more awkward tennis balls on sticks. Mora? Mora did your speech? Again, Ewan does a great job because he's Ewan bitch McGregor. The reason McKellen and McGregor felt the way they did was because acting is just like slowly, centralously slurping a super long spaghetti noodle.
Unless you have someone to do it with, it kind of looks sad and weird. This brings us to Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Skat Wat, as nobody calls it for short, starts Gwyneth Paltrow supposedly investigating giant, maybe Nazi robots while looking like I do when I see vegetables in the grocery store, you know, staring right past everything in fact, there's nothing even there. You just never buy that she's supposedly witnessing walking buildings showcasing the awe-inspiring and terrible power of technology. Instead, her looks betray what really happened on set that day. A bored actress stared blankly into a green screen while wondering what body part of hers she should use in the future as the scent for a candle. And the choice was the wrong one.
But now, let's look at Naomi Watts' brilliant performance in King Kong. Here's why it's more impressive than you think. For every scene where Kong holds Watts in a giant monkey hands, Watts had to get into this ridiculous contraption and cry and scream out of pants-wedding fear, all to make us believe that she was really in the grips of a giant ape when in fact, she was wearing a couple of moldy sausages and an oversized belt. Just because we can't touch each other doesn't mean that we can't really, you know. And the fact that she made it work speaks volumes to her talents as this very specific kind of actress. The whole day riding the hand. Yeah, many variations. Yeah, that's right. And so, the award for giving a convincing performance from inside the Grinch's anus goes to Naomi Watts. And scene. |
dropout | minecraft_environmentalists | Good morning, Minecraft! Uh, uh, excuse me, guys, I have a lot of work to do before the sun goes down, so if you can just move... Oh, and what work is that, Earth Killer? Chopping down another forest, damming up another river?
You're a monster. Terrible Minecraft! You're terrible! Evil!
Guys, come on, I'm just a regular guy trying to build a shelter to keep out some zombies. That's it. You call that a shelter? Well, not yet. It's obviously not finished.
Unlike you, we live in harmony with the land. Tony lives in a three block deep hole in the ground and only eats mushroom broth.
How you doing, Tony? Real sick, but proud. Guys, I worked really hard on my house, and I have a right to enjoy it. Uh, sure. And what exactly was wrong with your last house?
Yeah, Spider got in that one. I can hear it, but I don't know where it is. It gives me the creeps.
Chuh, when will people like you learn? This world isn't Minecraft, it's ours craft. We should share in the beauty of nature, not bulldoze it to build more castles. Hey, I'm not just making castles, I'm making the world a better place.
Here, I'll prove it to you. Step aboard the Dave Coaster. Weeee! Stop it! As you can see, I brought roller coasters to a world that was desperately in need of them.
And coming up on your left, a working calculator powered entirely by precious redstone ore. How many caves did you have to dig up to get that much redstone? And I guess all of them.
But ask yourself this, was it worth it? Heh. Probably should have read a wiki or something, huh?
Those caves were a vital breeding ground for native species. What? Oh, oh, you mean cave monsters? Oh no, I took care of them. Oh no. See, I built a protected spawning ground for creepers, skeletons, spiders, you know, all cave monsters.
Oh, that's actually pretty environmentally considerate, dude. Hey, where are they going? Oh my god! And this is where I kill the monsters and harvest raw materials from their burning corpses. Pretty impressive, huh? Yeah. This is the worst thing I have ever seen. You built a genocide factory.
Hey, if you can think of a way to get string that doesn't involve mass murder, I'm all ears, buddy. No, no. This ends now. Come, my brothers. We will break this cycle of murder. No! Don't worry, buddy. You're safe now. Thank you. Don't mention it. |
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