section
stringclasses 14
values | filename
stringlengths 3
100
| text
stringlengths 77
235k
|
|---|---|---|
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_107_James_Tidswell_Violent_Soho | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, going on week five, maybe six in isolation recording live from the budgie smuggler bedroom studios, yeah still trying to socially distance, still trying to do everything right by our medical authorities and I feel like Australians are performing quite well, there's been at the time of recording there's been zero new cases in Queensland over the last two days, everyone's taking it seriously, much more seriously than the Americans who think that their freedoms are being oppressed by doctors in Australia, I'm glad we're taking it seriously and one Queenslander who is taking it seriously from inside his gorgeous timber Queenslander in Brisbane's Bayside is James Tinswell from Violent Soho, how are you mate? G'day, very well thank you, how are you guys? Always good mate, always good to talk to a famous Queenslander, I think last week on the show we also had a person from the Bayside in Becky Lucas, I think we had on. Becky Lucas, and she's actually from Victoria Point so she's deep Bayside, but what are you?
Yeah I guess you'd say mid, mid Redlands. Yeah all I know is like I go to the boat trailer club and Ranger Stacey is always there so it's a good spot to live you know. Now tell us mate, you guys have just dropped at a very ironically titled album, titled Everything is A-OK, with the cover as an Australia flag, not exactly at half mast, I'm going to say three quarter mast, how does it feel right now having an album that's obviously charting right across the country and not being able to tour it immediately? It's sort of like having the wind you know, taken from your sails, yeah it's kind of like being winded I guess in a lot of ways, you know you're all pumped up and ready to go, especially after the amount of time we've had off. Yeah.
Yeah that's the easiest way I can explain it, I don't know I've never, yeah I'm trying to not think about it like sort of too much, it's just, it's sort of in a way feels like it hasn't even come out you know because I don't know I'm not at the grocery store being you know having people be like oh you know I like the album and stuff so you know. Is that an important part of how an album is received is how you're received at the supermarket? If you wrote an album that wasn't that good all the punters down at the markets would tell you about it? That's probably why it feels like it hasn't come out because I'm wary about being online and reading what people would say about it because when someone's prepared to comment on what they think about it, it's very different coming up to us in the supermarket. So you know, it's not what a bass or any of us base the album on but it definitely makes it sort of more real in a way after this moment. It's like politicians, when you've won over the taxi drivers you've won over the country so it's hard to know if you've won over the country if you're not getting any cabs or going to the supermarket. Do you remember the first time, first time you heard it in a cab, do you remember the first time you heard it in a cab or in the shops? I think it was Coles in New Farm, I'm pretty sure, yeah they were playing Fur Eyes, yeah it's a bit of a spin out, I mean it's a huge spin out because you know the music that they play in Coles, whilst you know, sometimes I shazam it but yeah you don't expect it to be played in Coles. Nice, but I do reckon it'd be good for a year opera earnings so if you're on Coles radio at a heavy rotation, that's a public place, that's a real cash cow in it.
It is, yeah, I mean it's probably all you can get now, speaking of cabs, that's all I always think about when they complained about Uber coming out and they were like pissed off that it was Uber and how it was destroying their industry, I was like, man imagine if it was like exactly that but Ubers were free because that's what we're going through at the time, do you know what I mean? It's not a competitor, it's now your shit's free so you know and they would complain about it and you get in a cab and have them whinge and I was sitting there like man, what I do is free, you know. Yeah, yeah, ever heard of Torrance? I'm going to torrent this cab. You wouldn't download a taxi.
Violent Soho have this unique ability to convince every person that's heard your music for the first time you're only a new band, have you noticed that? I guess it is because you guys perform so well at festivals, there's always going to be a 19 year old kid in a crowd somewhere that hasn't seen you before because it's their first festival I guess and could have a lot to do with the energy on stage. When you guys first started making music, were you like a gigging band or were you a smoking billies in the basement making music band? Yeah, the second one, I mean we still played heaps of shows, I'm talking heaps but never covers, you know, never trying to do that sort of thing. We were like now I realize it gave us something that like a lot of bands don't have because like we're so out of control, like this is so beyond you know the realm of possibility of happening that it doesn't leave room to be anyone to not just be enjoying it if that makes sense yeah so and I think that's because like there was like what we play heaps of shows you know we were terrible, I mean terrible. We decided to do a tour once because we didn't know what we're doing and we booked a show every week, I know that sounds crazy or something like that but we ended up playing Four Mile Creek Hotel in Strathpine on a Tuesday night and this is 2006 and the four people that were there started trying to basically, well they started spitting on us because we wouldn't play Rage Against the Machine, killing them in the name of, so yeah and then they waited for us outside trying to roundhouse kick us as we like yeah yeah I'll just never forget this lanky big drunk dude trying to do a roundhouse kick us you know but you know things like that would get bands down you know whereas when your ambition doesn't take into account not going through that yeah it's funny so we're just lucky like that you know if when shit's bad it's funny that's sort of the you gotta laugh yeah that's that's kind of the game plan. Oh we did our first national tour in 2018 and yeah let me just say QPAC in Brisbane was a bit different to the Gov in Adelaide yeah Adelaide's good hey yeah they're fickle how many years has it been now you do you have an official date you guys started now we always try and work it out I think what happened was is our first time playing was 2003 in a house just off Logan Road on Mount Gravatt and that was where Henry lived and then and that was in like July and then we didn't really come back together until 2004 March if that makes sense and that's when we sort of I mean didn't take it seriously but we recorded you know demos we handed out free demos we played you know Fat Louis Ricks was the dream yeah and yeah so it's around that time so I think it's like 16-17 years it's pretty long so what was the song that really changed it for you because you were really trucking along if you're saying like 2003 probably be about 10 or so years until you really broke through yeah well like we kind of got two shots at it which is is the most crazy part you know um in 2009 we get like you know signed to Thurston Moss label we go over to America and I mean it takes off immediately like uh yeah the the biggest radio station possibly in the world K-Rock you know with six most played on there and this is unbelievable at the time because we used to have our new songs Green Dads had new songs you know Paramore and we're ahead of them on you know this uh thing so yeah yeah this is 2010 maybe January March and somewhere around there out of our minds I can't even believe like this is happening and like yeah because I don't think a lot of people know that about you really that you did kind of break through way earlier than what people here would assume which would be covered in chrome yeah yeah well totally yeah that song was Jesus Don't My Girlfriend and I mean you know he got some play but like you know there's nothing back here put it this way the the record costs like I think 250 grand including videos saying insane and we we sold like 3000 copies and then we came home not tout between our legs but just kind of like that ain't what we're doing you know it's hard to go from the garage to you know going on after a hole in Texas um you know Henry's got no shoes on he's lost his shoes with with his paw and we're going on after hole so it's just a big jump from Mansfield to you know Texas stadiums between hole and 30 seconds to Mars and we just didn't really it just was way too far behind the curtain for us so we um came home and um you know heads down and bums up and then made um Hungry Ghost for like under 20 grand and I think it's almost sold 70,000 copies you know so it's um it was definitely covered in chrome long story short yes yeah that's um I mean I guess that was uh the one that kind of tapped a new era of triple j too because triple j was changing a lot and you you slotted perfectly into where they were at because when you started it would have probably been still a bit miff Adam Spencer vibes and then by the time you kind of covered in chrome came along you were completely what that everyone was looking for yeah like I mean like not not triple j they they were always like you know um pretty kind and I I couldn't talk more um positive about them like what I've grown up listening to and where it's at now but we had so many years of people not like but yeah like bagging us out like saying that was shit like you know that um all this sort of stuff that it was it was really weird you know to when all that happened it was kind of like we have been so unpopular for so long that all of a sudden this stuff became popular and we were the first ones doing it not not not the first ones doing it but yeah you know what I mean um yeah yeah yeah suck my dick and pay respect yeah honestly the the amount of reviews you read from 2004 to 2009 and this is truth be told is like sounds like nirvana nirvana wannabes shit shit shit shit shit then time to press the moors label and and you know what you think that that would just be like everyone would be like wow well there you go we know nothing no they doubled down man they doubled down that's that there is some reviews out there where it's like it's just brutal someone asked me today like how would you describe your music and why does it sound like it and it's like man it's because we grew up in the 90s so whatever goes in is what comes out like i i i can't explain it much more than that it's like we wouldn't know how to play anything else and if we did it would be disingenuous you know it'd be like it'd be trying this is what we grew up listening to and this is how you do it listening to um old mate the other night on uh spics and specs old mate from jet who was saying a similar thing to you he was saying that album you know obviously their breakout album that went everywhere you know csi it was on csi yeah but then they said after that they tried their hand at writing a hit like actually trying to write a hit having debuted a bunch of hits that they just that was just their sound and then they tried to make a hit and he said you kind of lose track of the world when you're trying to make a hit is would you would you say that's a bit the same yeah i'd say it's it's more the mindset of doing that it you know um sorry i got to turn the uh thermometer off on the smoker dinner's on dinner's on boy um yeah i reckon it's more the mindset you know that that you're in if you're even attempting that where you're you potentially derailed yourself already i don't think it's trying to write the song itself it's more like if that's the mindset you're in you know yeah it's it's all downhill from here the song that he's probably talking about is shine on which is a great song funnily enough yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean you guys are a sentimental bunch in that you still very much uh all your family still live in the the 4122 postcode of mansfield you do a lot of hometown gigs i think you kind of you actually had a monster a couple years back in the mansfield tavern rip i mean aside from the texas stadiums and all those kind of big shows you did so early in your career what what has been the most special for you guys for for you was it the um footy show was it nrl grand final or origin what have you done that um we didn't play the nr grand final i've just got a vision ingrained into my mind of you guys playing in bronco's jerseys where was that oh the footy show yeah yeah yeah oh that's the same as a grand final mate yeah yeah yeah yeah uh it's the after party man like the footy show was like the after after after party of fatty boy instead of origin years man um i um i mean no it was good it was really good to me obviously those people were big nrl fans and yeah i just went full kit yeah yeah for some reason that's stuck in my head i thought you were playing in front of 60 000 people but you're probably playing in front of 400 so in a tv studio somewhere 40 it's it's tv yeah yeah that's that's a tough one but uh yeah yeah every young kid's dream regardless every young rockers anyway but what is the most special gig you reckon easy for me it was a uh a place i think it was called um bryton social in melbourne as like this like underground venue it's actually at the end of uh dope calypso video of ours that uh for one of our songs and um that and that last show was was crazy in the aisle i think is the only song out from hungry ghost it's like every show we're playing it's just selling out within minutes of putting it up and it's 350 cap but it's this underground spot in the city and the crowd goes so ballistic that like they had to set up a barrier and they put pallets like um yeah you know pallets obviously i'm i'm on the tutor the um and um i'm like trying to trying to tell mom like whatever and so they use that as sort of like a barrier because obviously our paddleboards and stuff anyway they got smashed to pieces like kicked in absolutely like the crowd took over the stage as people swinging from like the rafters all like with all the power exposed and stuff like crazy i can't even explain it yeah i thought that that was just the i guess because i thought that was just going to be the as crazy as it got and so that's what i remember it the most but yeah it was in the aisle to uh yeah melbourne show whatever whatever place that was can't remember for some reason but yeah there's been so many dude like i mean in in 2010 or whatever we did 208 shows or something and in 2007 we used to play we played over 50 something shows in one year in australia alone would get in the van the friday night or sorry friday morning drive down play friday night sydney drive saturday play saturday night melbourne drive all the way home go to work on monday work four days whatever it was all of us every week and that's back then and you know what we were so dumb we didn't even enter that in the gig guide we we didn't even know what to do we just were going for it it was like just get out there and play so how important is the gig guard like if you don't enter yourself in that is that like the be-all and end-all well i think nah nah probably not i mean it's just the it's the more word-of-mouth approach but at the same same time like i mean that was the bare minimum you could do back then i mean it's an email to you know the street press saying we got a gig um yeah i bet in terms of like promo and in in general i i'm a big fan now of like you know saying that as i'm saying this i'm just realizing like you know we got billboards up around the giant and like you know it sounds so dumb when you got that but like less is more you know i get that you're in isolation and your coping mechanism might be to try and do more to get people across but like when it's right it's it's right just get it right you know that that stuff takes care for it yeah so so that's why i mean long story short gig guide it's it's by no means the be-all and end-all no yeah now um james one of your opening hits soft opening hits you mentioned before was jesus stole my girlfriend is that song autobiographical in any way is is that a true story did you guys have to break out of the god squad or something to kind of continue career in rock uh it's it's definitely a true story it's um and yes we we like we break out it's a um interesting way to put it um sorry i'm making it sound a bit like Scientology yeah no no no no yeah it's probably not as uh full on but as a kid growing up it's pretty gnarly um but yeah we're all from um pentecostal or hillsong school my parents were married by frank houston the pedophile in new zealand and then my dad moved over to start his church in sydney where i was born and brian houston was part of his youth group my dad's youth group and there was a different church then but it grew into hillsong so i mean that's how how close i am to it you know my dad was a pastor mikey's dad the past day his whole life is actually uh is it called a theologian in in the as in a bible one so mikey's dad's full on and then luke's mom still teaches at our school so my sister's a teacher in a christian school um both of them are all pentecostal by the way yes so yeah and we all went to school together at a pentecostal school in mansfield which it was called uh christian outrage college back then but it's now called city point in mansfield so i mean geographically speaking i don't know and it's actually spelt c it's a groovian name yeah yes it's spelt c-i-t-i-p-o-i-n-t-e it's like yeah yeah idiocracy you know like uh you can graduate from a school that is called city point 10k is out of the city uh spelt like a trendy cafe name you know pretty pretty crazy but yes so yes very much true story um my sister yeah broke up with like because he was a christian i don't really know too much about any of that sort of stuff but that's the that's the basis of it i mean yeah you know my family is pretty rad that you know something like that can go down and i can still like play in the band and yeah yeah they do seem cool that album artwork with all the marijuana paraphernalia and all upside down crucifix like yeah yeah all the endless cans of 4x on stage yeah yeah we did have to sort of not not not yeah yeah i don't know it's it's a trip it's a trip life is a trip so then you uh channeled all your spirituality into the brisbane broncos and just rocked out on guitar i was i was real i was real young when i uh when i loved the broncos i actually uh fell out of love for a while and i used to go to a lot of east tigers games back when no one went this is like yeah no one went now now that place is packed but um which is awesome yeah footy i got back into later on in life now we're gonna have to wrap up here and let you get back to your smoker but just one more question how's splendor looking is is is it all set to go ahead uh has it been bumped any further like i don't know what's been said but like was it there was there an announcement that it was like october november yeah is that still yeah that's all the info that i that i have i mean um i mean a lot has to happen in the world yeah but but hey we need something to hang on to so you know go splendor oh yeah personally i'm excited for an all aussie lineup at 2020 splendor yeah yeah because i thought this was finally going to be the year that i was going to see chance the rapper but i guess you know i'll have to watch uh the hilltop hoods again well you know hilltop hoods always they they're always good they always always bring the party yeah yeah you you won't you won't be uh you won't be disappointed oh yeah one thing about splendor they they may be sort of um having a positive approach you know nrl the ambition level of of getting that thing back and running again is it's like it's like the posters where people put up looking for a lost but yeah you gotta you gotta stay home dude you gotta stay home all right your game ain't gonna happen we're watching michael jordan documentary yeah the thing about the arel commissioner peter vlandis he he kind of comes across as one of those characters in a denzel washington movie you know nothing is more dangerous than a man with everything to lose yeah yeah i love that i love that it's crazy well mate all the best with the new album and um in the next couple months no no worries thanks for having us hopefully you can get out and tour it sooner rather than later but if not i'm i'm sure we'll see a few soho gigs on instagram live or something like that mate i reckon i'm gonna get into them i've got to talk to someone so it might as well be whoever's on the other end of this thanks thanks james see you mate thank you |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_rick_perry_saturday_night_live | Last week, Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry came under fire for giving a bizarre, animated speech in New Hampshire, leading some to speculate that he may have been drunk or on medication here to defend himself. Governor Rick Perry my man, Seth in the house. how cool is Seth? All right, well, thank you Governor, You know, um, a lot of people are saying, do you seem you seem intoxicated during the speech you gave in New Hampshire?
Who said that? Who said it was? it was this lady. you're out there. Was it Maroon 5? Come on, you know a lot of people said it. And I have to say Governor. it actually seems like you might be a little drunk right now.
All right. No, I don't drink. drinks are for dinks. No, I drink. what I drink is coffee. I drink coffee. All right.
Well, I'm sorry Governor, But if you weren't if you weren't drunk, do you want to explain what was going on in New Hampshire? Okay, right before this beach, Herman, Herman Cain shows up with a Godfather's pizza and he's like, hey, man, you like pizza you know me said I love pizza. It wasn't so after I ate it that I realized the pepperonis were ambience and the tomato sauce is beer. So next thing I know, I'm standing waist-deep and late when I pissed the sake with a pacifier in my mouth. So you're so you're saying Herman Cain drugged you and now you can't remember anything? Well, you know, I remember one thing right after her Herman gave me the pizza, he leaned, leaned in and he whispered I touched all those ladies boobies I that's not a president. I'm a President. All right, I don't know if I believe that story.
Tell you, I believe taxes are too complicated. Okay. all right. here we go. That is one major element of your campaign. simplifying the tax code right now. The solution I got right. Where'd I put it? But you got it? No, where'd I put it? Oh, I got it. it's right here. Okay, here we go. Here's the simple solution to taxes. looks at the Hawaiian girl. Yeah, no, I can see that Ola says ola. So you have here.
I'm Herman Cain. I want to touch your Hawaiian boobies. Governor It looks like you just flat-out losing it. What The election? I know. Really bad. Everyone say you got a run, You got a run. You'll definitely win and my poles go.
Like so bad at talking Seth. So bad at talking.
He's such a good president. there wasn't talking involved. Yeah, Governor, it's a long campaign. you'll be fine. just don't worry about what people are saying about you. I'm sure you'll pull out of this with dignity.
And he's asleep. He's asleep. |
TheOnion | Rare_Pornographic_Movie_Shot_At_Vatican_For_First_Time_Since_1982_s_Pope_Fisters_IV | Following the announcement of First Communion, the Holy Spookerist, the first hardcore pornographic movie to be filmed in Vatican City since 1982's classic adult feature, Pope Fisters 4, Onion Reporter spoke to Hershel Savage, director of the film. Well, obviously it's a huge honor for me and everyone else involved with this film. I mean, this is where they shot Pope Fisters 4. I mean, that movie's a masterpiece. When we wrote up the script for First Communion, we sent it over to the Vatican to get the Pope's approval and see if he had any notes, but he loved it just the way it was. The highly anticipated pornographic film, which stars Ron Jeremy as the horny sea himself, Pope Bentik the 69th, will reportedly contain graphic sex scenes filmed in the Sistine Chapel, St. Peter's Square, and the Popemobile, among various other notable sites within the Vatican. Well, actually I'm just watching a cut of this amazing scene we shot last night where Pope Bentik is gang-banging a bunch of nuns in his bed, and it was great because the Pope let us use his bedroom. Tomorrow we're shooting the scene where two nuns fuck each other on St. Peter's tomb using strap-on crucifixes.
I think people are really going to like this movie. Check this week's Onion Review for further developments. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Horrible_Aging_Makeup | Today we're here to talk about horrible aging makeup. When you see a film that a character ages past their actual age, it just doesn't quite look right. It has kind of an uncanny effect.
I want to start off by talking about James Dean and Giant. Giant is George Stevens' classic film.
It spans several generations of a couple different families in the boom years in the Texas oil industry. And everyone ages over the course of it.
Rock Hudson and Elizabeth Taylor look pretty convincing. It's not the most convincing makeup job, but it's okay.
James Dean doesn't.
What is it?
A tight hairline and kind of a sleazy mustache and his gray hair and wrinkles. It just looks kind of wrong. It seems like he probably could have taken a few of those things away.
I think it may be partly because James Dean is such an icon of youth and rebellious youth and we never actually got to see him age. It's because he died a year before this film was even released. It doesn't really detract from the quality of the film or his performance, both of which are really quite good.
It's here. And there ain't a dang thing you're gonna do about it. But when you see the film, it's kind of hard not to be distracted by it. I don't know what you're gonna do. So Dryad's a film where really it's only one character whose makeup kind of seems out of place.
You want to talk about one where there's several characters. Right, and it's actually several timelines, too. Back to the Future 2, you know, it got a lot of things right in its vision of our future. You know, the hoverboards, the flying cars, the fact that all of our most important communication is done via fax. Stuff like that.
Power laces! All right!
However, its otherwise impeccable depiction of the future was hampered by the very 1989 problem of clunky prosthetics. And even worse, it had three separate timelines with which to ruin its actors' faces.
Nobody!
If you're talking about who suffered the most in the makeup chair, it would have to be Thomas F. Wilson as Biff. You know, you had the schlubby Biff in the original 1985, the wrinkled Biff in 2015, and then again the schlubby Biff in the alternate 1985.
Start talking, kid. What else do you know about that book?
But the person who looks the worst would have to be Lea Thompson. To her credit and the movie's detriment, she actually gives her character the campy performance that it deserves, because she's got this sort of like whatever happened to Baby Jane fright makeup going on when she's a grandmother.
I can't let him think I'm chicken. You're right.
And then in the alternate 1985, she's saddled with perhaps the fakest pair of fake boobs ever committed to cinema. You're so big. She was in middle-aged makeup for the first film, and it didn't look that bad.
Yeah, maybe it's in the harsh light of 2015 or something. You were the one who wanted me to get these things. So, Scott, you also have a film that's a sort of garish, hellish vision of the future, right? I do. Keith's movie took place over the course of a few decades. You know, yours jumps back and forth in time.
Over the course of that period, he has to say goodbye to his master and his master's children and his master's children's children. Lloyd! And every time he has to say goodbye, there is inevitably some sort of a deathbed scene where somebody is plastered in old-age makeup. I'm dying, Angel. We're treated to the ghoulish old faces of M. Beth David's Oliver Platt and Sam Neill as various incarnations of these characters just keep kind of popping up. That's a lot of generations that have to die out, and this movie seems to document it almost in real time over the course of 200 years.
The great arc in Bicentennial Man concerns William's long journey to someone who wonders why humans cry. It's cruel that you can cry and I cannot. To someone who becomes mortal, you know, can finally, you know, for the love of God, die himself.
I am the proud owner of a central nervous system. You can feel. Oh, yes.
But before he dies, he's absolutely just caked in old-age makeup. He looks terrible. I would rather die a man than live for all eternity as a machine. I think Oliver Platt may be the winner of the worst makeup in the movie.
He's already got jowls. Why do they need to add more jowls? Exactly. They put more on there. Welcome to the human condition.
So Keith, I mean, do you know of any examples of good aging makeup? Yeah, Little Big Man, which begins and ends with Dustin Hoffman as a 100-year-old-plus man. I always kind of wonder why they didn't just remember how they did that and do it again. You almost get a sense that makeup artists are given this opportunity. It's like, hot damn, I get to put old-age makeup on and they go to the top, they put too much on. For more examples of horrible aging makeup, visit us online at abclub.com.
David's, Oliver Platt, and Sam Neill as various incarnations of these characters just keep kind of popping up. That's a lot of generations that have to die out. And this movie seems to document it almost in real time over the course of 200 years.
The great arc in Bicentennial Man concerns William's long journey into someone who wonders why humans cry. It's cruel that you can cry and I cannot. To someone who becomes mortal, can finally, for the love of God, die himself.
I am the proud owner of a central nervous system. You can feel. Oh yes.
But before he dies, he's absolutely just caked in old-age makeup. He looks terrible. I would rather die a man than live for all eternity as a machine. I think Oliver Platt may be the winner of the worst makeup in the movie.
He's already got jowls. Why do they need to add more jowls?
That's the thing. Exactly.
They put more on there. Welcome to the human condition. So Keith, do you know of any examples of good aging makeup? Yeah, Little Big Man, which begins and ends with Dustin Hoffman as a 100-year-old plus man. I always kind of wonder why they didn't just remember how they did that and do it again. You almost get a sense that makeup artists are given this opportunity. It's like, hot damn, I get to put old-age makeup on and they go to the top, they put too much on. For more examples of horrible aging makeup, visit us online at avclub.com. |
Fitzthistlewits | chess_review | Chess. Chess is a strategy game, and one of the oldest games in existence. Historians have determined that the first game of chess was played sometime in the early 1980s on the Nintendo Entertainment System. Back then of course, it was called Battle Chess, and it was so popular that it inspired a real life board game version of Battle Chess, called Chess!
The game is very unbalanced, it's turn based, so whoever has the first move has the advantage. The game has been out for over 20 years now, and they still haven't fixed this. What the fuck, Nintendo? The game is too complicated, there are all these weird, stupid strategies, and all sorts of gay shit you have to learn in order to be good at it.
The graphics are terrible, apparently this is a bishop.See the resemblance? Oh, and this, know what this is? A horse, right? No, no, that's a knight. I thought a knight was the guy wearing armour on top of the horse. But no, no, the horse itself is a high ranking member of the feudal system.
Oh, and I guess castles move as well. What kind of wacky tobacco were they smoking when they came up with this shit? Oh, and what a surprise. The only female character, the queen, is a fucking Mary Sue, the most overpowered unit in the whole game. You can move in any direction, any distance, whatever you want. God, I hate women.
I like retro games, don't get me wrong, but this is just awful. Magnus Carlsen, play League of Legends, you scrub. You're wasting your time with this game, in inverted commas. Jess, more like Jess, Jess, shit, shit, more like shit. |
TheOnion | Obama_Releases_500_000_Men_From_U_S_Strategic_Bachelor_Reserve | In response to the nation's dire shortage of good men out there, today the Obama administration made the emergency decision to release 500,000 men from the United States Strategic Bachelor Reserve. Chief Director of the eligible male task force, Anne Vinson, made the announcement in a press conference earlier today. The dearth of serious yet sensitive single men has reached crisis levels. Ladies, you deserve this. Today's emergency influx of marriage-grade bachelors is intended to meet the increasing demands of self-sufficient professional women who are sick of playing games. Constructed in 1973 in response to the decade's sharp rise in creeps and swingers, the underground bachelor storage facility is the world's largest government-run stockpile of men who aren't afraid to commit. Inside the reserve, the bachelor's ab muscles and foot massage techniques are flawlessly refined in preparation for an emergency shortage, as we've seen this year. Fifty thousand bachelors have already been released into several cities.
While the announcement was praised by many prominent female leaders, Geraldine Costa of the Association of Professional Women blasted the move as a quick fix that does nothing to ensure the availability of quality men in the future. We need to develop ways to convert the men we already have in excess, the slobs, the assholes, the men who need mothers, not girlfriends, into desirable potential life partners. We cannot leave future generations with a surplus of men in dirty shirts who think it's okay to split the tab.
Ten members of Congress led by Henry Waxman drafted a letter calling the bachelor release quote, a sheer panic move.
There are plenty of eligible fertile 30 to 60 somethings already above ground or relatively fit and looking for love. The opening of the Strategic Bachelor Reserve has however raised questions about whether or not to open the Strategic Housekeeper Reserve to combat how impossible it is to find good health these days.
Moving on, a new poll finds that Americans favor withdrawing emotionally from Afghanistan. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_nicolas_cage_and_bradley_cooper_saturday_night_live | And now it's time for Get In the Cage, a segment where actor Nicholas Cage sits down with fellow thespians to discuss the craft in their recent work. Please welcome Nicholas Cage and Bradley Cooper. Thank you so much for having me, Nick. I am really excited to Get In The Cage. I was very kind to you, Bradley.
Now let's begin with a question about your new movie, The Hangover Part Ii. Yep. shoot. you play a gentleman who is a wild, drunken knight in Bangkok and then must face the grim repercussions. that is correct. So my question is, how am I Not in that movie? What do you mean? Well, it has the two classic elements of a Nick Cage film. One, I'm told the actors were giving food. Two, it's basically a shot-for-shot recreation of my life. I am the Human Hangover. Look, Nick, I'm sorry you weren't in The Hangover Part Ii. maybe you were too busy. I mean, you're in every movie. you're like a dangerous Eugene Levy. that's high praise. Look, you seem nice, Cooper-scooper. but nevertheless, you lack the key ingredient to being a true film icon.
Nomadic eyebrows that have long since traveled from their home. The Forehead Village they grew up in was a safe haven, when adventure came calling. And like the gladiators of yore, they rode across the crescent moon, that is my hairline.
And that is the audacity of hope. I think I'm ready to get out of the cage. Yeah, that happens. it's only one way out of the cage, a fight to the death. two men enter, two men leave. I think it's one man leaves.
Yeah, math was never my strong suit. And now, in the words of my fellow actor and life coach, Mel Gibson, prepare to die from human bites. Well, I'm sorry. Mel Gibson is your life Coach?
Yes. who's your accountant? Wesley Snipes. Okay, yeah. it's a long story. just wrap it up. Fine by me, Seth. for now, it is time to ride on to my next adventure. Oh, what's up? I'm going to kill the ghost of Osama Bin Laden.
The cage is Bradley Cooper, everyone. Kill The Cage! They got the cage. they got the cage. Thank you, sir. thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | pudge_solomon_christmas_eve_and_stinky_feet_snl | Oh, my feet have hurt me today. I can't walk around. you stop your bitch, man. it's Christmas Eve, eh? I don't care what day it is, my foot is hurting me. you bitch every day. that your problem. Oh, you bitch, everyday, that's your problem, you bitch. you bitch every eve, Monday eve, Tuesday eve. ooh. I don't care, man, they shootin' ball at me. my feet is throbbing. my foot goin' outta here. yeah. they're hurting me, man, look at that.
Oh, man, I tell you what, bottle me and them feet, that smell like Fido's corn chips. put those shoes back out there. hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what's this, buddy? get that nasty shit, get that nasty shit. I can't hear ya, I can't hear ya, the pain that affect my hearing. get that nasty shit, get that nasty shit. what is that, Fido told you? it's supposed to smell like nacho cheese flavor. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. that's really, man, that the ugliest lookin' sock I ever did see, man, what color is that? filthy. yeah, I'll do it. filthy. you crazy, man, how'd they get like that? they got it from this new baby. new baby, what you talkin' about? yeah, I put new baby inside my shoe, your stuff in there, and it keep making shoe last long. it's a special science test, you know? oh, yeah, but this I gotta hear. Now, tell me about this bitch or something. yeah, the science, You know, if you put a new paper in your shoe like the Usa Today, you gonna get some wild, crazy, multi-colored, hippie socks. And for you to naturally inquire on your socks, you gonna get dead Elvis Presley pictures and stuff like that. I get it, you use something like Rolling Stone, you use socks to get covered with drugs and things. Yeah, I put Rolling Stone, Magadine in my shoe once, and I felt like I had a monkey on my foot. you know what I'm saying? you had drugs, you had a monkey on your back, and the shoe was a monkey on your foot. you're crazy, man. monkey on your toes. you're crazy, man. monkey! Let me see that thing, man. what do you think of this nasty piece of paper? monkey on the toes.
Roosevelt re-elected president. that's what I'm gonna say. that's a hostage freak. with that steel hole, man, that is old. Well, you know what they say. what'd they say? it's a warm, it's a cold feet, cold heart, warm news, warm feet, old news, warm news, feet. I missed the whole thing, Tell me again. Well, I said cold feet, cold heart, old news, warm feet, warm news, warm feet. you odd nut man. you crazy. you did nut, man. you did nut.
Yeah, well, if I'm enough, you would chestnut, man. what? I said, you would chestnut. Oh, you a chestnut, Rosen on the open fire. Oh, you butt naked. you laying out there on that fire. right there. I'm a naked chestnut. oh, my neck is chitin' up. did a kid come out and say, mom, look at him. this chitin'' up, they got no clothes on. you look like you came into the Christmas spirit, huh? chitin' up, but they have a monkey on his foot. they came to speak you big under your head, man.
Yeah. oh, yeah. So what do Jollis say in part for Christmas? Now, the man, I got everything I need. he's got a place to pay my piano. you're good. got an old friend who sucks, smell like corn chips. ha ha, that's true for when I forgot to lay him. hey, Solomon, what do you want Santa to bring down your chimney? You know what I've been wanting for a long time, Pudgy? what's that? a new pair of feet. hey, man, you set up for new pair of shoes? hey, man, I can't take these. hey, why not? they ain't got no new paper in them. Hey, put the old one in there, man. Merry Christmas, Solomon.
I didn't get you nothing, man. I feel bad. Merry Christmas, Pud. you never get me nothing, man. |
dropout | i_hate_scary_movies | Hello? Why don't you want to talk to me? Okay, who is this? Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine. I don't think so. Ooh, what's that noise?
Oh, I'm just melting Junior Mints into a big, globby mess. I only eat Junior Mints at the movies. Well, I'm about to watch a movie, so I'm going to melt this crap up, stick my fingers in it, then slip, slip, slip, yum, yum, yum. It's going to be so gross. Ugh, what movie are you going to watch?
I don't know, probably just some dumb rom-com. Oh, really? Not a scary movie? What?
No, never. Never. Wait, never? Do you not like scary movies? No, I hate them.
I'm going to watch The Holiday. Did you know Kate Winslet used to be British? The Holiday? Oh, gosh.
Okay, all scary movies, really. All of the horror genre, just bad all around. Kind of?
I mean, I watch movies to feel good. Why would I watch a movie to intentionally be scared? But scary movies aren't just about being scared. They're about exploring the inner evil within us all.
Okay, but honestly, I don't really need that. I mean, the world is evil enough, okay?
Have you seen Trump's immigration policies?
I mean, he's a monster, no doubt. No doubt.
But still, to cast off a whole genre, that kind of hurts. See? This is an awful feeling. I hate this, okay?
The world is already filled with scary enough imagery. I don't need to willingly subject myself to villains and jump scares. Scary movies are much more than jump scares. Don't you realize the parallels that horror has to comedy?
Building attention, releasing attention. It shows how it makes us tick, what makes us good, what makes us bad. Heightening, holding a mirror, up to society. Shut up! I see that, okay?
But some people don't like comedy, and I don't like horror, and that's fine, okay? And besides, horror is so cheap and campy. But camp is fun. Besides, have you ever realized that horror gets a bad rap? Because any time a good horror movie comes out, it immediately transcends the genre?
Give me an example. Uh, okay, like Alien, right? Did you like Alien? Yeah, I guess.
Why is that, huh? Why is that?
Shut up!
Okay, look, I just hate all the gratuitous gore. My bunny! Whoops. I hate twisted and sick imagery. Don't say that, or I'll drink the blood of your loved ones! See, it's this kind of stuff that doesn't appeal to me. In fact, it makes me feel sick and twisted when I hear it. Isn't that powerful, though? That these movies have the ability to highlight your inner darkness?
Okay, who cares, though? Who cares, all right?
Can't we disagree to disagree? You like scary movies, and I don't. All right, it's fine. I guess. I just really think we're missing out. Let me send you a list. I think you'd love let the right one in. Okay, fine. I'll watch let the right one in. Do you really mean that? Or are you just saying that? So I'll shut up and kill you already. Okay, fine. Yes, I'll actually watch it.
You won't be disappointed. I think it's gothically beautiful. It has a great moral.
Prepare to die. Wait.
Before I do this, why is it that minorities always die first in horror movies? I mean, I don't think that's, like, intentional. I just think that the white characters are a little more interesting, and it's just like... Freaking hate scary movies.
Click here for other fun stuff, and thank you so much for watching. I love my job, and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
cracked | 7_most_overused_props_in_hollywood_history_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | I don't understand that, what does that mean? Uh huh. Can you give me an example? Okay, cool.
Four Ghostbusters was a movie about female Ghostbusters that made a bunch of idiots angry on the internet before a script had even been written. It was a movie about male Ghostbusters that would have still made idiots angry on the internet had the internet been around in 1984.
Busting, in addition to being one of the many things that makes you and I and all of us feel good, requires a bunch of very complicated and high-tech equipment because these are back-off scientists, after all. So, when it came to designing their psychokinetic energy meter, they took a shoe polisher from Sears and put some stuff on it. Finally, a device that could clean shoes and also take the relative temperature of books, I guess. This is hot, Ray. Naturally, after creating such an iconic gadget, the prop team let it go to the studio's prop department.
That's why a ghost-detecting shoe-shiner somehow pops up and they live, tracking down Rowdy Roddy Piper. 39-5-0, lock the elevator down. And then in suburban commando, helping pinpoint Hulk Hogan's location. After Ghostbusters, all it was used for was to provide killing squads the ability to track down moderately famous wrestlers. Damn, that's actually more dangerous than trying to find ghosts.
Little Shop, Little Shop of Horrors, is a movie musical about a talking plant from space that eats people because movies are fucking great, and being alive is so awesome. The movie has everything. Rick Moranis has the romantic male lead giving unearned confidence to nerdy twerps and glasses for decades, killer plants, and of course, Bill Murray.
Steve Martin's whole thing in that movie involves his natural talents for causing things pain, which is why he has those tools that are ridiculous, even by dental standards. Apparently, Tim Burton must have seen that movie, which again involves a motorcycle-driving dentist and do-op singing plants because life is the best, and decided to use the tools for his own purposes, as the tools used by the Joker's doctor in Batman. The same tools Frank Oz thinks dentists need to give Bill Murray an orgasm are the tools that Burton thinks a doctor would need to heal someone who fell in a vat of acid because whatever. Also, where's that doctor even operating from?
It's just a wet basement with a single lightbulb.
You're gonna need more. There you go. Yeah, see? You're the one that invested in a second light, bro. You, bro.
The same weird orange prop. Who in the hell is titling these sections? Are we even? Oh, yeah. That's just a weird orange. Okay. And you might think the meaningless prop can exist here because that's airplane two, and the joke is specifically about the prop's uselessness. But here it is again in The Last Starfighter. This is all highly irregular. Yeah, Greg. Definitely. You gotta, you gotta tighten those tops. That's all orange. Electricity will f***ing pop on out. Oh, look.
Here it is again in Star Trek. And ooh, here again in other Star Trek. Voyager. And in V. Because in movie language, glowing and moving equals scientific because the people who make movies have never seen actual science before. Also sidebar, the stupid thing was in two different Star Treks and a scene with Captain Kirk.
That's... nope. It's nothing.
Let's compare a few vastly different things. First, it's curb your enthusiasm. Now let's look at L.A. story. And finally, Beverly Hills Cop. Notice anything at all linking them?
I mean, probably you noticed the license plate number is the same, but only because I... I mean, the title card said license plate, so it's... you didn't notice it. We told you. It's fine. It's the license plate. GAT 123.
The plate uses GET because that's one of the letter combinations that can't be replicated in real life by the state of California. California has so many different productions going on that the DMV actually blocked out letter combinations just so the entertainment industry could have plates that no real driver could ever have. Even shows like The X-Files and arthouse directors like David Lynch get in on the joke. Although it is David Lynch, so naturally it's a mindf***er. Like the license plate, hired a hitman to kill another license plate, and then rubbed up on each other.
It's okay. Moving on. Pretty much every... is that as specific as we can get for... fine. It's fine. Let's just burn through it.
No country for old men. There's a question. That's Savadie Show. Scrubs. Married with children.
Now there's the paper. Instead of, say, using local papers or making a new one for a relatively cheap price, most productions go for a newspaper prop made by a company called Earl Hayes Press. That particular model has not been changed from the late 60s and always has the same pieces on a woman, a warehouse burning down, and the house trying to okay a compromise bill with the president. While TV shows like Charmed and Louie have used it, high budget movies have used it as well. Because why the hell not? It's not like you can just get a newspaper literally anywhere.
Coming back to the future too, N Casper used one side of it, showing Margie's father being murdered and a ghost stopping a crime, but still going on about that damn compromised housing bill. That woman's probably in real life dead now.
Probably. Right? Yeah. That's how you write a title.
Goddamn spacesuit. Prop masters often decide that making a unique prop or costume can be too much effort and descend upon the movie industry's equivalent of the surplus store. So say it is the early 60s, you're working on a sci-fi show in Britain, and you're suddenly called to help make a spacesuit. What do you choose? A surplus RAF high altitude suit developed a decade ago. Well, surely it's kinda space-like. Besides, who would ever see the show again? Well, unfortunately it's Doctor Who, so the old retro-future spacesuit stays on forever. Flash forward to the late 70s, there are still tons of these suits around, but this time you're working on a sci-fi movie, so you give the lizard alien the same suit part.
Specifically, the guy in the back. Bounty hunters. We don't need that scum. This guy. His name is Basque. We gave him the same spacesuit as the guy from Doctor Who. Seriously, a high altitude pressure suit sounds like something that shouldn't fall into civilian hands, and we gave it to Basque. A Trandoshan bounty hunter, he said, without having to look it up.
Speaking of sci-fi military equipment, let's talk about starship troopers, movie about troopers, and the various places to which they... Starship. Pay attention to the uniforms? No. Well, several movie crews did. They liked them so much, or were too lazy to make their own unique variant, that they just reused the uniform over and over again. Look at the 8th best Planet of the Apes movie of all time. What's good for a futuristic marine is good enough for a chimp moto-cop. But what about arresting a brown coat? How about Power Rangers? And there it is. Starship troopers to Power Rangers.
That is a... Step up? Down? Kind of a lateral move, I guess. Well, that's all this time.
Join us next week, when our topic will be nine photos of stock image models looking at rabbits. I'll send that to Buzzfeed, sell it to them.
Episode cancelled. End of thing. Good night.
You are something special. Oh no. It's your professionalism that I respect.
What do you want? Same place. Ah! Whoa! Yeah. Get out there.
Hey everyone, thank you so much for watching Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder. Let me know what I missed in the comments. Your eyes are better than mine. Get some other props that get re-used in movies and let us know and maybe we'll make a sequel to this or we'll all just talk about props. You're just like, oh, there's like little monkey statues in this movie and that movie and I'll be like, yeah, and then we're friends. |
Wizards_with_Guns | guy_fieri_directed_a_movie_and_no_one_s_talking_about_it | The boss wants you dead. I want Donnie dead!
But you make the best sauce in this family. But he makes the best sauce in the family!
So the moment he figures out your secret recipe. The moment I figure out that secret recipe? Your dead meatballs! I'm gonna stab his balls off! My father's very interested in your sauce.
We're ready to make an offer Donnie. Tell me what you think of this. It's not enough. Can I have more please? You can't trust nobody.
911 what's your emergency? Yes hello? There are men in my house. Okay sir where are you located? Why do you want to know? Sir this is 911. Who do you call when you can't call the cops? Howdy! We're responding to a call that...
Unit 307 do you copy? Unit is everything okay? Unit!
You get the sauce? I just can't tell who's on my side. I am my sweet ravioli. Now why don't you come to bed and maybe tell me what makes that sauce even so secret? You really want to know? Tomatoes. What's the damn recipe? You'll never get my sauce! Onions. So why does the boss want you dead? I burnt this panini. That's it? Just the sandwich? Panini was his wife! Oregano. He who holds the sauce is boss. And the final ingredient?
Murder. To the death of Donnie Marinara. The only schmuck dumb enough to hand over his only leverage.
How many gallons of sauce do you want me to drink? Wine, dine, and break his spine. Donnie! No! Spaghett about it! You can't handle the sauce!
I think I left the stove on. One last bite and I'm out. You should have never come here. You shot my sauce! You may have my recipe, but you'll never get my secret ingredient.
It's tomatoes. What? No? It's definitely tomatoes. What is that? I don't know what that is.
No! I didn't do like a little tomato Donny. It's stuck.
Why am I here? Give me your fucking moments. You want a point?
Action. You're dead meatballs. I'm not even looking. Action. Oh, and it tastes so good. I fucked up, man. |
TheOnion | Behind_The_Pen_Collective_Wisdom | This is the voice of cartoonist Stan Kelly here. This week's cartoon is called Collective Wisdom.
You got an older adult here, he's a sophisticated adult, and he collects quality DVDs, okay? And you see how I wrote there, he's got complete series. I'm talking about Macmillan and Wife, I'm talking about Canon, I'm talking about Mannix, I'm talking about MacLeod, okay? The quality shows.
Streets of San Francisco. Now by contrast, you see today's mixed up teens there.
He streams the movies. He watches them on the internet, on the computer. He has no DVDs, okay? He's mixed up. He's a lot to learn. He can learn from this guy.
I think a lot of young artists are watching these videos to learn the craft, okay? I don't know who else the hell is watching these videos, but if you're a young artist you want to learn, this is a video for you, okay?
If you want to show somebody's in love with somebody, you put a little heart next to them. It's that simple. A little heart, and now all of a sudden, ah, she loves this guy, okay?
So he's classy. He's got a well-coiffed mustache, and he's clean-shaven. He takes care of himself. He's well-groomed. He's clean, okay?
Now here's another tip. Look who's watching over there. Lady Liberty, okay? Lady Liberty is a powerful symbol. You don't want to overuse her in a cartoon, and when you do use her, you want to make her presence count, and there's a particular way that you can do that. You can make her cry, okay? The statue herself shedding a single tear, and when you draw that tear, you want to make that tear pop, okay? That's crucial. You want to make this tear on the Statue of Liberty pop, okay?
And I say that. I say he's empty-handed, empty-headed, okay, because he's not thinking, okay?
How can you watch that when you don't have the DVD box with the paper booklet, and you can read the program notes, and you know what you're looking at, and you're not reading information written by some teenager in Bangkok who doesn't know anything about this program, okay? You're getting some kind of internet garbage. That's all you're getting there. That's when you stream these movies, and you're not even paying for the movies.
This sophisticated adult, he purchased them at full price, okay? He's built something out of his life, okay? He's built this beautiful wall of DVDs, okay?
This mixed-up teen, he's built nothing. He's got nothing. All he does is sits around in a computer scratching his pimply face.
That's what he's got. He's not building a legacy. This older, sophisticated gentleman, he's got a legacy. He's got a monument to his life, his sophisticated life, and now, after a hard day's work, he can sit down with a beautiful woman, and he can watch a fine DVD, and drink a glass of wine, and take a deep, satisfying smoke, okay? That's what he's earned in his life. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Anya_Taylor_Joy_on_Furiosa_s_WAR_MASK_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | It was slightly terrifying because George had a very specific image of what he wanted. We called it her war mask, how he wanted Furiosa to hold her face. And he was like, you have to trust me, it all lives in your eyes. But obviously as a performer, that's so scary because I'm used to telegraphing everything with, you know, most of all of my face. But I think what that meant was that when I did have moments where I could break out of it, you really felt it because you realize that like, of course, this character is being so suppressed, like there's no room for any kind of weakness. But it was fun also knowing where I was going. It was fun to be able to, like the first time that I walked out as a Furiosa that people recognize more, all the crew that had done Fury Road were like, oh, I was like, yes! You were discussing something, you were talking about volcanoes yesterday, I think there was something incredibly volcanic about the performance where it was just underneath the surface. And I think there's very few people on the planet that can, that have such a well of emotion and such depth with just a look, you know, and it was incredibly intimidating and hypnotic to start, the opposite at times, I was like, what's my... |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_with_marcello_hernandez_protective_mom_2_snl | That buddy has my aunt with like a tattoo peeking out of his chest is so funny. Like a huge tattoo on his chest.
So good. So this is, uh protective mom to the sequel.
I brought a few things for Bonito because we wanted to like, you know I wanted him speaking Spanish and I wanted him like messing around with Spanish stuff. So I wrote a couple things for him and then on Wednesday one of our producers calls me and goes Lauren wants to talk to you about doing a protective mom to sketch. um think of stuff. So start thinking of stuff and then I get another call which is like me with a couple of people and Lauren and he's just like we think Pedro might pass by this week.
Could you prepare this thing again?
Don't worry about her, she's just a little bit protective, but it's nothing compared to my mom.
So now I have another moment exactly like my first update where the day of table read I have to sit with these guys. Write it. We don't get enough done to even read it at the table. And then after table they're like go ask Bonito if he wants to do it, how he wants to be in it.
What do you want to do like do you want to be my uncle? Do you want to be my aunt?
Him and his buddies like just kind of looked at each other and were like i'm gonna be the aunt and then he had like a bunch of opinions like he was like I should have a moment with with Pedro where I'm like so he added a lot of that stuff in at the beginning I'm like when you come out we should like dance and then I'm like and this is crazy just a thought maybe like we dance like this and then you turn around and we kind of do a little grinding and he's like yes like let's do the grinding part too Uh Pedro same entrance. Pedro kisses me with his red ass lips. I had that on my cheek for so long this was like one of I think it was like i don't know it was the last sketch but it was definitely my last sketch of the show and I had his red lips on my cheek for the entire night and this is just like a dream. like having Pedro back who like Pedro changed my life with the first one. That was like my first huge moment on the show after we rehearsed it the first time. Benito after we rehearsed it he comes up to me and he's like this is gonna steal the show and I was like oh my god so this is a protective mom to the sequel.
I brought a few things for Benito because we wanted to like you know I wanted him speaking Spanish and I wanted him like messing around with Spanish stuff. So I wrote a couple things for him and then on Wednesday one of our producers calls me And goes. Lauren wants to talk to you about doing a protective mom to sketch. Um think of stuff. So I started thinking of stuff and then I get another call which is like me with a couple of people and Lauren and he's just like we think Pedro might pass by this week.
Could you prepare this thing again?
Don't worry about her, she's just a little bit protective. but it's nothing compared to my mom.
So now I have another moment exactly like my first update. where the day of table read, I have to sit with these guys. Write it. We don't get enough done to even read it at the table. And then after table they're like go ask Benito if he wants to do it, how he wants to be in it.
What do you want to do like do you want to be my uncle? Do you want to be my aunt?
Him and his buddies like just kind of looked at each other and were like i'm gonna be the aunt and then he had like a bunch of opinions like he was like I should have a moment with with Pedro where I'm like so he added a lot of that stuff in. at the beginning I'm like when you come out we should like dance and then I'm like and this is crazy. just the thought maybe like we dance like this and then you turn around and we kind of do a little grinding and he's like yes like let's do the grinding part too. Uh Pedro same entrance. Pedro kisses me with his red ass lips. I had that on my cheek for so long this was like one of I think it was like I don't know it was the last sketch but it was definitely my last sketch of the show and I had his red lips on my cheek for the entire night and this was just like a dream. Like having Pedro back who like Pedro changed my life with the first one. That was like my first. like huge moment on the show after we rehearsed it the first time but he don't After we rehearsed it he comes up to me and he's like this is gonna steal the show and I was like oh my god. |
CrackerMilk | how_guys_feel_about_makeup | I'm the wrong person to ask because you don't need to hide who you are behind layers of fake shit. Just the natural look for a woman is what I'm about. Margot Robbie, Kim Kardashian, Kylie Jenner, they don't wear makeup and they're beautiful. Beautiful. Why don't you try it? Like don't hide who you are. You don't need to be so insecure about being a woman because of the patriarchy. You can just not wear makeup and you're beautiful, honestly beautiful. Like you look like fucking shit when you wear makeup. But when you don't wear makeup, you look so good.
Oh yeah? I'll take it off then. Oh my god! I told you, you look better without makeup.
Thanks for watching our video. We know that you enjoyed it because they're always getting fucking stolen. Wow! Look at all of those millions of views that we didn't get. Because it was stolen. If you want to help support us, please consider donating to our Patreon. That way when those little ratty rat rats steal our videos, we can afford to make more. |
dropout | mythbusters_does_god_exist | Alright guys, we've got an interesting one this week. We've had a lot of letters about this myth. People want to know, is there a God?
I don't know. One sounds pretty dubious to me.
Hold on now Jamie. God has been in a lot of books and movies, so these people must be onto something. Okay, today we're going to put the myth to the test. For the first step of their existential escapade, Adam and Jamie hit the books. Whoa, what is that?
This is the Holy Bible. According to the myth, everything in this book is true. I guess reading is good for you. If this myth is true, we should be able to recreate other stuff the Bible says happen.
Let's get to work. Now the Bible says a man can live inside a whale for three days. So to test this, I sent our lovable dummy buster through a large sea mammal's digestive system. I am really, really excited to see how he turned out. Here we go.
Wow, interesting. Looks like buster was completely digested by the stomach acid. Look at all that whale shit. So it's not looking good for the Bible.
Yup. But just for fun, let's shoot a bullet through this thing in slow motion.
Gary Grant and Tori are designing something a little more intelligent. Check it guys. The myth says that God created humans through intelligent design. So Grant, you're pretty intelligent. We need you to design your own human, and then we'll see how it compares. To be honest, there was a lot of room for improvement, guys.
First, I took the testicles and moved them up inside the body, so they're not outside where they're vulnerable. And I just took out the appendix completely, which does nothing but explode. I made it so pee doesn't come out of the same hole you fuck with.
Yikes. Do you guys think an intelligent designer would have made those mistakes? Gotta say, guys, it's looking more and more like our entire existence is nothing more than a cosmic coincidence. Just for fun, you guys want to go shoot this guy at a wall, slow motion? Yeah. An intelligent design to intelligent destruction.
Hopefully, he'll be able to tell us if there's an afterlife. Afterlife equals...
God. I like it. Bon voyage, Tori. Ah! Yay! Okay, let's bring him back.
Seems to be malfunctioning. Uh-oh. Turns out Adam's a better executioner than an engineer. Well, looks like this experiment is inconclusive. Hold on a second.
A benevolent, all-powerful god would have never allowed Tori to die.
You're right. I guess this myth got busted after all. So I guess life is meaningless. Huh.
Well, just for fun, let's blow up Tori's body in slow motion. |
wearethesundayblues | stop_the_knot_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | Hi there, we're Derek Watts and the Sunday Blues a lot of things annoy us in this world, plenty actually but at the moment I'd say it's the top knot hairstyle that's taking the cake explain what does that look like? okay if you don't know what the top knot hairstyle is about have a look at this, what is this about? it's not even a bun, you get a man bun and you get this thing, it's tiny, it looks like you're balancing a rubber band on your head look at this one, he looks like an onion, an onion who's also a dick, yeah look at that, oh magnificent, I mean if he takes that out his hair is going to reach the top of his crack now that's amazing because that's functional, we've taken it upon ourselves to go out and uh stop the knot, have you seen any any top knot hairstyles around here like the one it looks like it wants to be a ponytail when it grows up yes, it's amazing, it's tiny, it's like a prepubescent samurai okay, he knows, we should have made you a little like don't worry I'm a barber and you could drop the card and run off drive, drive, oh my gosh, I got it, it's got the elastic band in its store, no, no rubbish, dude okay there's one, stop the knot, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive I got it, I got the knot, you got it, yeah, it's in your knots, in your knots, I thought we'd come off in one snip, it's beautiful, well not beautiful in a traditional sense but you know what I mean, I saw him forming like I saw he had his phone up forming as we as we as I jumped in the car, drove away yeah he had his phone up forming, really, yeah, maybe he's just taking a selfie or something, that would be the best selfie though people are not going to be stoked with your hair, might be nicknamed the drive by a barber, maybe, don't try and do this at home cutting people's hair, strangers hair, that's fine, running with scissors, I mean yes, have fun then, never be able to do it, do it, there you go oh yes that's perfect, dude that is perfect, dude that is our food, but it's, it's like you're out in the open oh my gosh, you got it, I heard like a scream, dude I think she thought it was like, that was it, that was it for them I'm shaking, this is, this is too much, I think I've aged like like 10 years in this one day oh I'll get about that, it can't hurt anyone now than everyone, what about the dolphins, they might chew them, the rubber bands are still in, flip |
SaturdayNightLive | science_room_with_steve_martin_and_martin_short_snl | Pbs kids, at 3.30, curious George beyond that same old bullsh. But first, it's the Science room. Oh, chemistry, oh, chemistry, how lovely are thy ions. I love that song sodium much. Hey, kids, I'm Dr. Science. and I'm Mr. Science.
And what better time than the holidays to learn about the science of snow. Helping us out today are today's junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh. Hi. Happy holidays, guys. Lonnie, what's your favorite holiday tradition? Oh, Christmas? okay, well, I love the presents myself. Josh, what do you want for Christmas?
Oh, um, to find out what happened to my brother. Okay, well, I was not expecting that. I thought you'd say you want a skateboard or something, but I'm sure your brother will be fine.
But hey, let's talk about snow. Now, what do we know about snow? Well, for one, snow forms inside the big things in the sky called.
Lonnie? um, stars? No, Josh starts with a C. Um, C Senor? no, the letter C. it's a C word. Oh, no, the C word is bad. we can't say that. No, no, no, Lonnie, it's not the C word.
Josh, it's big, it's white, it's puffy, it's. my Dad? clouds. snow forms inside clouds. Hey, let's think before we answer, okay, gang? why not? Now, snow forms when it gets so cold that the water vapor inside a cloud does What, Lonnie? Snows. No, it's how water turns into ice. it starts with an F. Josh? photosynthesis. that's double wrong, Josh. come on, guys, starts with an F. Free. Britney? guys, freeze, Freeze!
I got you. No, not you. the word was freeze. Oh, yeah. Just like there are rain storms, there are also snow storms. True. I wasn't asking, but yes, that is true.
No, you don't high-five each other based on. No, don't fist bump either. just stop it. stop, right now.
Okay, now, for our experiment today, we're gonna make our own snow storm. Now, our snow storm will obviously not be as big as a real one, but even if something small, it can still. feel good for the girl?
I don't follow this. um, because my sister told me that, um, even if a guy has a small thing, it can still feel good if the guy knows what he's doing. that's a no, it's teach a big lesson. you are very, very wrong. your sister, however, is very, very right. Now. Now, to do this at home, we'll need some water and a glass, uh, baby oil. No, no, no, no, no. don't touch that, please. stop it. And paint, Alka-sel, stop touching, please. stop it. make sure to have a grown-up help you first.
Safety First. I have a fun safety joke, Josh. knock, knock. come in. No, no, no. Josh, Josh, Josh, you say, knock, knock, who's there, Okay? knock, knock, who's there? Safety. Hi, I'm Josh. no, no, do you Not know how this works? you've never heard of it. you say, Safety Who, Okay? knock, knock. Safety Who? Ah! Oh! yes, Safety! hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. are you, Are you okay, Mr. Science? I'm not safe. come back, come back, come back, come back, come back, come back. breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.
Now, we put everything into our glass here, except the Alka-selter, which we're going to drop in to simulate what happens when cold air meets warm air. Now get in close, guys. Three, Two, One, Science. Wow. look, Josh, what's going on? not much, we have two weeks off for Winter Break. Now what's going on in your life? in here, what's going on in here?
Do you see what I see? What do you see? your finger? No. Do you see what I see? something's going, Do you see what I see? Do you see what I see? a star, a star, dancing in. shut up, you idiots.
Look what we made. it's A, it's a What? it's a mean Mario. No, it's not a mean Mario.
Go to commercial. I'm going to turn the camera off.
I'm going to choke this kid. And I'm going to suck this kid. |
Wizards_with_Guns | top_10_ways_to_answer_a_call_from_the_president | Is this Dasani? Why would it rain water?
Hello and welcome to Daniel's quiet corner I'm David has this ever happened to you Hello, oh my it is the president of the United States. I do not know what to say how embarrassing Today I'll be showing you the top 10 ways to answer a phone call from the president number nine Now it's important to remember that when you hold on a moment, please. I'm getting a phone call Hello, who is it? President Mr. President David the president's on the phone for you Tell him to call back later David. You haven't talked to the president in months. I want to David You're talking to the president talk to the president David. Oh, mr. President Hello Hello Robert, I would love to talk business with you Mr. President, I told you never to call me here Please hold for the president Hello mr. President Mr. President. Oh No, I Didn't meet you What What's that I hear I wonder if it's the president calling here I go What the president's on the phone? He heard about the show. He wants to speak with you immediately We did this one already. No, David This is real My god Okay, David you've been doing this for 17 years this is your moment this is your time to shine be presidential Hey dad Welcome to Daniel's quiet corner Hello |
cracked | worst_excuse_ever | Cracked asked two of its employees to write, film, and edit a sketch on their lunch break.
This is that. Uh, that's, that's my- Thank God you're here. What? Listen to me. Your very life depends on it. Who are you? I'm you.
From the past. And you're eating my blood. Look, I know it's hard to believe, but you've just got to trust me. Otherwise, something terrible is going to happen to you. Don't you mean has happened if you're from the past?
Yeah. Yup.
So it's already happened, so there's no point in warning me or eating my lunch. Me save the future. You look nothing like me. Like us. You're like a foot taller, you're not wearing glasses. It's all part of the mysterious fabric of time. I'm pretty sure I would have remembered when I traveled through time to talk to myself. No.
See, because of the amnesia. Amnesia. Amnesia?
Who am I? That's it. I'm calling security. Look, please. Okay. Just give me a chance. Ask me something only we could know. Fine.
What's my social security number? In my time, they've abolished social security.
In the past? The distant past. Uh, your shirt.
That's Kazakhstan. That's a Borat reference. That movie came out like two years ago. Oh, no. I'm from Kazakhstan. What is it? Boo-rat? So I'm from Kazakhstan. Yamshimash!
Get the hell out of here. Give me that. Where's my drink? Must have gotten lost in the Chrono Matrix. Thank God you're here. That's it. No! I fit a frugal. |
dropout | disney_princess_spring_breakers_trailer | This summer, former Disney Channel stars Let Loose in Spring Breakers. Next summer, former Disney Princesses Let Looser. Cinderella, wake up, wake up.
Slut, we're going to the ball. I'm sick of hanging out with a bunch of bitches. My only friend is a fucking tiger. It's a ball, bitch. I want to be a part of that world, bitch.
I don't have any money.
Let's rob your bitch, stepmother. We got a magic lamp, y'all. Wake up and he wishes, y'all. Bonk, y'all. It's a big booty. That's the life it's about. Why are you helping us? A mere tall me, y'all, was the fairest of them all. It means no worries for the rest of your days, y'all. Bippity boppity boop, bitches.
Killing ten bank tellers will give you such a crick in the neck.
Wear this and only this. Here it goes. Better throw my hand in, wish me happy landing. All I gotta do is this bump. Darling, it's better down where it's wetter, under the sheets. If you just take one bite, I won't fuck you up.
Hey, guys. Watch this. First, we made a fake trailer. Hola, Miss Migos. Then you wanted us to make it into a real thing. Do you know how to solve the puzzle? And this is the trailer for the real thing based on the fake trailer we did. Adios, amigos. |
TheOnion | Report_Economy_Failing_Because_U_S_Built_On_Ancient_Indian_Burial_Grounds | Liana McKenna spilling in for Clifford Banes, who's starring as Lumiere in the touring company of Disney's Beauty and the Beast. A bipartisan congressional report released this week finds that almost all problems facing the United States are caused by the nation having been built on top of ancient Indian burial grounds. Jason, what's your take on this report? It makes a lot of sense. I mean, Native Americans covered this country's land from coast to coast for centuries. I mean, their bodies are buried everywhere beneath us. That's right. The Pentagon, Congress, every single foreclosed home, they're all built on grave sites and therefore are cursed.
No, that's why the economy is struggling. It's not about speculative bubbles and lax regulation.
It's Indian ghosts. It certainly explains why there are all these poor people everywhere. These ghosts have been screwing with capitalism, so it doesn't work like it should. Look, come on. This is ridiculous. There has to be a logical scientific explanation for the economy's collapse. No one can hide it.
It's probably just America's foundation settling. That happens when a country gets to be 250 years old. Well, efforts to break the curse are already underway on Capitol Hill. Republicans believe that the only way to placate the Indian ghosts is by blood offerings. Oh, come on. I mean, Indian spirits are not appeased by blood offerings. This is a political move. Well, that's past. You know, it hasn't. Republicans want the curse to hold so that they can paint Obama as soft on poltergeists.
No, that's right. That is right.
Now, what about that old scroll tied up with eagle feathers that Congressman Hargan's plucky junior staffers found behind that painting in the Senate chambers? Could that contain some sort of solution? Please. The nation doesn't have time to waste on a wild goose chase with a bunch of pesky kids and that fleabag cat of theirs. Well, the White House announced today that President Obama plans to make a peace offering to the ghost of the great chief, Wiki-Wama, in an effort to end his plague of bad luck. He's scheduled to venture into the old mystery cave behind Monticello next week.
No.
This is a horrible idea. During the energy crisis, President Carter couldn't make it more than 20 feet into that cave. His teeth were chattering so horribly. Is that bad? He jumped into the arms of a statue of Neptune and was terrified even further when he saw its face illuminated by a flash of lightning.
Yes.
He had to hide underneath the carpet. I mean, it was very different. It's possible that this is all an elaborate hoax. Remember the savings in Lone Ghost of the 90s? It turns out that was Old Man Greenspan in a phantom mask trying to scare away day traders. Are you kidding me? The curse is real. And I, for one, am not going to sit around and wait for the government to fix it.
So that's why I journeyed up to Tall Mountain and I acquired this. It's a placenta from a rare white buffalo. Wow. You bury it in the backyard and it cleanses it of all Indian aversion. Oh, my God. Is that a spare chunk of that for me?
Because I just lost a lot of money on a bad stock tip because of the hoax. My husband's company is doing really badly.
If I could just have a piece of that placenta. Can I have a little piece of that placenta?
Because I want to prove to you that that's just going to work. What are you doing? Hold on. I got one more.
Two dozen were lost at sea during this year's Drowning Man Festival. Get the story later in the newsroom. |
dropout | how_to_get_to_hell | Alright guys, so I think this time if we go like really fast, we can fill this sieve up and be out of here before dinner, alright? Bring it in. One, two, three. Sisyphus! Alright, so Trapp has the shortest legs, so he probably shouldn't be runner, so Trapp, oh, huh, where's Trapp? Okay, I'll call him, you guys get started. Hello?
Hey Trapp, we're all here in hell, where are you? I don't know, I'm in the middle of nowhere. I think I'm in purgatory? Oh, um, okay, do you think you'll be here sooner? I don't know, I'm really trying, but it's kind of hard for me to get my bearings when there's nothing around here. Okay, wow, yeah, no problem, no problem. Trapp's flaking. Oh god, are you kidding? No, I heard that, I'm not flaking, I really want to be there, I'm just completely lost right now between worlds. Okay, well, what's near you?
Nothing. Right, but what's the closest street? There's no streets, there's nothing here, Pat. Tell me about it, right, it's just like none of the chain restaurants, there's nothing here but like boring malls and strip malls. No, no, there's no chain restaurants, there's no, there's nothing.
Alright, well, what time do you think you'll get here? Honestly, I don't know, when I look at my clock it's just a bunch of squares, super simple. Man, you just take the road that's paved with good intentions and it's basically just a highway to hell. I don't see that anywhere, nothing that looks anything like that. Let me check my GPS, hold on. No, no, it's just like a spinning arrow inside a white void. I think I'm not getting a signal because I'm stuck between heaven and hell and earth, I guess? I don't know where I am, I don't know where Purgatory is. Let me give you a landmark, do you see, um, oh, uh, Lucifer, the fallen one, the morning star, the angel of the bottomless pit, the father of lies and the lord of flies sitting on his basalt throne surveying all that is evil of thought? There's literally nothing here. Are you sure he's kinda hard to miss?
No, Pat, I would see that. All right, well, do you see the, uh, tower of souls bound together in an orgy of despair? No, I don't, Pat!
Hold on. Hey, Trapp, it's Zach. What's up? So, I think it's about retracing your steps, like where did you come from? Did you commit a venial sin that distanced you from the glory of God? Yeah, yeah, or like miss an off-ramp or something? I don't know! God, this is so frustrating. Where are you guys? All right, look, Trapp, if you don't want to come, then don't come. I want to come, I'm trying.
All right, uh, do you see Grant? Grant's waving. Grant, wave. No, I don't see Grant.
What about this is so hard for you to understand? He's really tall, man.
Okay, everyone's waving now. Everyone, wave.
It's not that I don't see you in a crowd of people. I don't see a crowd of people. I don't see anything.
Oh, oh, wait, I see you. Um, I don't see you, but I'll keep walking in this direction. Yeah, keep walking, keep, keep walking. Okay, I see white. I see white. Oh, oh, God, wait, no, it's just a demon that looks like you.
Seriously? Ugh. This is awful.
I'm not hanging out at home. I'm not hanging out with you guys.
I'm just stuck in some in-betweeny weenie land. Well, hey, maybe that's the point, dude. Maybe, maybe you could learn from your suffering and come out of that place a better and wiser person. You know, Pat, maybe you're right. I mean, maybe the whole point of me being here is so I can learn and grow and have something.
No, no, no, I see it. I see you. Yeah, there you are.
Whoo! Hell, here I come. Whoo! Hey, it's Mike! Whoo! I want this. No!
Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe to College Humor and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the laughs. What was that, man? |
cracked | 90s_comedians_that_are_still_out_there_killing_it_part_1 | One half of the most important comedy show of the 1990s, Mr. Show, David Cross cruised into the 2000s with the successes of Tobias Funke on Arrested Development and multiple Grammy nominations for Best Comedy Album.
He's still doing stand-up today, he's got a new comedy special on Veeps, and you can even see him try out new jokes at Union Hall in Brooklyn.
And now the other half of the Mr. Show dynamic duo, want to make the case that no 90s comedian has done better than Odin Kirk in the 21st century, you'd have a pretty good argument, with six Emmy nominations for his roles in Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul as evidence.
And of course, returning to his sketch roots on I Think You Should Leave.
Somehow the guy also turned himself into an unlikely action star, kicking ass in Nobody.
Currently on her Live and Livid tour, at least her tenth tour since 2000, Margaret Cho's stand-up career shows no signs of stopping.
She has a loyal following among a new generation of Asian comedians, including Ali Wong, Joel Kim Booster, and Bowen Yang, who all credit her for breaking barriers. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_wellness_snl | Man, I have been feeling good lately, just like healthy. Totally. I've been feeling fuego. looking fuego, too. it's so important as we get older that we start taking care of ourselves, you know what I mean? like Wellness. Wellness. Oh, my God. it's so important.
My big thing I'm trying to crack right now is my screen time. Well, right now, I'm up to 23 and a half hours a day. You got to do better. that's not great. I've been trying to get in shape. have you guys heard of intermittent fasting? Yeah, are you doing that? No, I'm doing intermittent sleeping. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays.
Is it working? Not yet. Okay, cool. Mari, how about you?
Oh, well, I got this new post-workout smoothie I've been loving. Oh, smoothie time. what's in it? just like milk, ice cream, chocolate sauce. Oh, a milkshake. a milkshake, yeah.
Why? What did I say?
Dude, we're doing so well. so good. the best. And I'm feeling kind of miserable. so miserable. the worst. Oh, guys, I'm on a new medication. that's great, buddy. it's like Zoloft, but just the side effects. Oh. so very depressed, but my penis is broken. that sucks.
And I just signed up for a new gym. which one do you go with? this is going to sound kind of weird, but it's called Cigarette Fitness. Oh, my God. So it's a smoking gym. a smoking gym, that's right.
Dude, did you know you can delete money from your bank account? Beep. you're getting mowed into that. God, we are doing so well right now.
Totally. we're slipping away. ever since the Pandemic, the light just keeps getting dimmer. dimmer, yeah. fading, yeah. I've forgotten how to dance. remember dancing? no. it was like. I don't know why we ever did that. Oh, I've been seeing a therapist. really? yeah, like all over the place. I don't think she's really there. Oh, like a hallucination.
I'm trying to kick all my bad habits, man. I mean, I got to stop grinding my teeth. Oh, my God. is it bad? Yes, you look like gollum. God, I just need a day where I go to the park, take off all my clothes, and start screaming about how there's too many wires in the world. one day is all we ask. just one day. Wellness brought to you by oral-b mouth guards.
Well, right now, I'm up to 23 and a half hours a day. you've got to do better. that's not great. I've been trying to get in shape. have you guys heard of intermittent fasting? Yeah, are you doing that? No, I'm doing intermittent sleeping. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays. I'm not sleeping.
Is it working? Not yet. Okay, cool. Mari, how about you?
Oh, well, I got this new post-workout smoothie I've been loving. Oh, smoothie time. what's in it? just, like, milk, ice cream, chocolate sauce. Oh, a milkshake. a milkshake, Yeah.
Why? What did I say?
Dude, we're doing so well. so good. the best. And I'm feeling kind of miserable. so miserable. the Worst. Oh, guys, I'm on a new medication. that's great, buddy. it's like Zoloft, but just the side effects. Oh. so very depressed, but my penis is broken. that sucks.
And I just signed up for a new gym. which one do you go with? this is going to sound kind of weird, but it's called Cigarette Fitness. Oh, my God. So it's a smoking gym. a smoking gym, that's right.
Dude, did you know you can delete money from your bank account? Beep. you're getting mad into that. Oh, my God, we are doing so well right now.
Totally. we're slipping away. ever since the pandemic, the light just keeps getting dimmer. dimmer, yeah. fading, yeah. I've forgotten how to dance. remember dancing? no. it was like. I don't know why we ever did that. Oh, I've been seeing a therapist. really? yeah, like all over the place. I don't think she's really there. Oh, like a hallucination.
I'm trying to kick all my bad habits, man. I mean, I gotta stop grinding my teeth. Oh, my God. is it bad? Yes, you look like gollum. God, I just need a day where I go to the park, take off all my clothes, and start screaming about how there's too many wires in the world. one day is all we ask. just one day. Wellness brought to you by Oral-b mouth guards. |
TheOnion | Mother_Who_Forgot_To_Pay_29_Year_Old_Son_s_Phone_Bill_Reminded_To_Really_Be_Careful_About_That | During a Curt Skype session earlier this afternoon, local Williamsburg resident 29-year-old Cormac Flennigan reminded his mother to, quote, try and be more careful after she forgot to pay his cell phone bill. Mom, the phone company called today about my cell phone bill.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot. No, Mom, I'm not mad, but you had to stay on top of these things. I know, I know. You can't keep waiting until the last night like this. Well, I don't want to have to keep reminding you every month.
I need my phone. I use it every day. I need my phone. I know, I know. I'm constantly using it.
I'm so bad. I'm really sorry.
I'll get on it. All right, you know, just so you know, this really easy thing you can do, you know, is this online auto pay just deducts your bank account every month. Yeah. Quite easy.
I know.
It's fine, it's fine. It's fine. Just don't let it become a pattern. I know you can do better than this. Okay. I promise. I'll get on it today, okay? |
cracked | 4_ways_to_never_get_the_cold_again | Well, it's cold and flu season, I've heard. For most of us young bucks, our bodies are coursing with phagocytes, a real thing. So the threat of serious sickness doesn't mean much, but for all you weak links out there with rundown immune systems, you're pretty much guaranteed at least seven days this winter of congestion, coughing, looping asinine fever dreams, and just blistering headaches. Kind of like right here. And even though you probably sat through health classes as a child or company-wide wellness programs as an adult, there are still some pretty crucial details about catching colds and flu as if they, for whatever conceivable reason, just kept from us.
You. You sickies. Number one.
If you're dating or married to someone who's sick, the last thing you want to do is kiss them on that biohazard of a mouth, right? Wrong, you neglectful jerk, can't you see they're in pain? Studies have shown that you're far more likely to catch a cold just from sitting on the couch next to them than you are from full-on making out. In fact, it's very, very difficult for you to even catch a cold or flu from your mouth.
A study from the 80s in which scientists essentially set 16 horny sick kids loose on a college campus showed that even after a full minute and a half of pure tongue-high fiving with a healthy folks, there was only one transmission of the virus. One. And the test subjects were at the pinnacle of mucus production while the healthy students were, you know, college kids, so probably not that healthy. Probably eating expired frosting off a Triska.
The truth is that the transmission of colds almost always happens through your nose and your eyes, and even then it's rarely because someone coughed up your nostrils or something. It's because you, my friend, are very handsy, and you likely touched a surface with a virus on it before jabbing your finger into your own eye. The common cold is surprisingly hard to catch, it turns out, unless you're willing to do all of the work for the virus, you idiot. Number two. Let's say you're good about washing your hands during cold season and you always make sure people get a clean bill of health before tonguing your eyeball. That shit is still airborne, right? There are infected mucus particles floating all around us in subways and, I don't know, probably Quiznos. It's not like there's a definitive restraining order type distance you can keep from cold sufferers to make sure none of their coughs or sneezes land on you, right?
Wrong! I'm not wrong. I was being you being wrong.
It's six feet. Thanks to studies for how far sneezes and coughs can travel, the CDC has announced that giving sick people a buffer of six feet is enough to never catch what they're throwing. Of course, that assumes you know who's actually carrying a colder flu virus, and the truth is, you just don't.
Number three.
Symptomatic rhinovirus infection is the cold as you know it. It's the snotty, sweaty, visceral mess you're all accustomed to. And occasionally, I don't know, it turns out to be a bacterial infection in your lungs. And I don't know, maybe it required an emergency trip to urgent care just before your health insurance turned over, just like it knew, like it knew. What you may not be familiar with is asymptomatic rhinovirus infection. But you should be, because it's 400% more common and just as infectious. It's the normal cold virus, but for whatever reason, some people just don't show any symptoms at all. So when you're shivering on the couch watching daytime court shows trying to feverishly sleuth out who the asshole was who infected you, who made you feel like this, you are almost always wrong. There's a four to one chance it was someone who didn't even know they were a carrier, just wandering around the office, breathing into all the cubicles and joking about how tired everyone looks lately.
Or if you're that guy, maybe take it easy on everyone around you because it very well may be your fault, all right? So maybe lay off, Adam.
Number four.
When you get the cold or the flu, because you will inevitably get the cold or the flu at some point, treating your symptoms is absolutely fine. Yes, coughing and sneezing and excess mucus production are all of your body's natural defenses against invading sickness, so they are technically doing their jobs. Here's the thing. Your body is not great at dealing with colds.
It panics and tries to expel everything it wants in a big, wet explosion.
But once the virus has a hold, all your coughing and sneezing isn't helping you. It's only spreading that shit to new hosts. So the best thing you can do is just admit when you're sick and treat it and then wait it out until you're healthy again.
Like me.
Thank you, everybody, for watching this video about being sick. If you'd like to subscribe to our channel, you can do so somewhere on this screen. Also, if you don't agree with anything that I said or you've got other facts about colds that you think are true, probably not because I looked up everything, you can put them down in the comments section. Or if you know some good hospitals in my area, that would also be very helpful. Thank you. Thank you, everybody, for watching this video about being sick. If you'd like to subscribe to our channel, you can do so somewhere on this screen. Also, if you don't agree with anything that I said or you've got other facts about colds that you think are true, probably not because I looked up everything, you can put them down in the comments section. Or if you know some good hospitals in my area, that would also be very helpful. Thank you.
Pretty much guaranteed at least seven days this winter of congestion, coughing, looping asinine fever dreams, and just blistering headaches. Kind of like right here. And even though you probably sat through health classes as a child or company-wide wellness programs as an adult, there are still some pretty crucial details about catching colds and fluids that they, for whatever conceivable reason, just kept from us.
You. You sickies. Number one. If you're dating or married to someone who's sick, the last thing you want to do is kiss them on that biohazard of a mouth, right? Wrong, you neglectful jerk! Can't you see they're in pain?
Studies have shown that you're far more likely to catch a cold just from sitting on the couch next to them than you are from full-on making out. In fact, it's very, very difficult for you to even catch a cold or flu from your mouth.
An amazing study from the 80s in which scientists essentially set 16 horny, sick kids loose on a college campus showed that even after a full minute and a half of pure tongue high-fiving with the healthy folks, there was only one transmission of the virus. One. And the test subjects were at the pinnacle of mucus production while the healthy students were, you know, college kids, so probably not that healthy. Probably eating expired frosting off a tris-kit.
The truth is that the transmission of colds almost always happens through your nose and your eyes. And even then, it's rarely because someone coughed up your nostrils or something. It's because you, my friend, are very handsy, and you likely touched a surface with a virus on it before jabbing your finger into your own eye. The common cold is surprisingly hard to catch, it turns out, unless you're willing to do all the work for the virus, you idiot. Number two. Let's say you're good about washing your hands during cold season and you always make sure people get a clean bill of health before tonguing your eyeball. That shit is still airborne, right? There are infected mucus particles floating all around us in subways, and I don't know, probably Quiznos. It's not like there's a definitive restraining order type distance you can keep from cold sufferers to make sure none of their coughs or sneezes land on you, right?
Wrong! I'm not wrong, I was being you being wrong.
It's six feet. Thanks to studies for how far sneezes and coughs can travel, the CDC has announced that giving sick people a buffer of six feet is enough to never catch what they're throwing.
Of course, that assumes you know who's actually carrying a cold or flu virus, and the truth is, you just don't. Number three. Symptomatic rhinovirus infection is the cold as you know it. It's the snotty, sweaty, visceral mess you're all accustomed to. And occasionally, I don't know, it turns out to be a bacterial infection in your lungs. And I don't know, maybe it required an emergency trip to urgent care just before your health insurance turned over, just like it knew, like it knew. What you may not be familiar with is asymptomatic rhinovirus infection. What you should be, because it's 400% more common and just as infectious. It's the normal cold virus, but for whatever reason, some people just don't show any symptoms at all. So when you're shivering on the couch watching daytime court shows trying to feverishly sleuth out who the asshole was who infected you, who made you feel like this, you are almost always wrong. There's a four-to-one chance it was someone who didn't even know they were a carrier, just wandering around the office, breathing into all the cubicles and joking about how tired everyone looks lately.
Or if you're that guy, maybe take it easy on everyone around you because it very well may be your fault, all right? So maybe lay off, Adam.
Number four, when you get a cold or the flu because you will inevitably get the cold or the flu at some point, treating your symptoms is absolutely fine. Yes, coughing and sneezing and excess mucus production are all of your body's natural defenses against invading sickness, so they are technically doing their jobs. Here's the thing, your body is not great at dealing with colds.
It panics and tries to expel everything at once in a big, wet explosion.
But once the virus has a hold, all your coughing and sneezing isn't helping you. It's only spreading that shit to new hosts. So the best thing you can do is just admit when you're sick and treat it and then wait it out until you're healthy again.
Like me. Cough, cough, cough, cough.
Thank you everybody for watching this video about being sick. If you'd like to subscribe to our channel, you can do so somewhere on this screen. Also, if you don't agree with anything that I said or you've got other facts about colds that you think are true, probably not because I looked up everything, you can put them down in the comments section. Or if you know some good hospitals in my area, that would also be very helpful. Thank you. |
TheOnion | Ron_Paul_Makes_Campaign_Stop_In_Whimsical_Jalopy | Later on in the hour, we'll be looking at Obama's campaign promise to put a stop to the constant anxiety of simply being alive. But right now, let's check in with Ron Paul, who arrived today at a rally in Akron, Ohio in his trademark huffing, puffing, wheezy, whimsical, steam-powered jalopy. In a speech, Congressman Paul told the crowd that the U.S. government is a lot like his old jalopy, way too big, overly complex, wasteful, and Ron Paul is the only one who knows how to fix it.
With analysis, we're joined by David Baradale. Hi, Andrea. There, David.
Ron Paul is polling in single digits, but judging from today's rally, the supporters he does have are very devoted to him. That's right. You really see the passion he inspires when he rides up in that crazy jalopy and talks about withdrawing from the U.N. and then disappears in a big cloud of steam at the end of his speech. And now experts say there is essentially zero chance Congressman Paul can win the presidency, so why do these voters keep supporting him, David? Well, I think Ron Paul offers something other candidates don't.
A sense of wonder, the chance to imagine what if we had multiple currencies, what if schools and hospitals were privatized, what if actually terrorists did not blow up the World Trade Center? Well, they have fun with the magic of it all, right?
Exactly. They love using their imaginations to envision a president who doesn't talk to foreign leaders and rides around on a hot air balloon. That's right. That balloon, he rode that to a fundraiser last month. Right. He told donors the balloon represents all the hot air in Washington and ballooning military spending. It's like this, helping Ron Paul gain new supporters. Take that town hall debate in New Hampshire, where he argued his points through a cadre of trained singing cats. Right.
I mean, I can't even recall what he said the cats said for him. Honestly, I can't either, but at the end of the night, when the cats jumped one by one into his sack, his supporters gave him a standing ovation.
David, I hate to cut you off, but we actually have some breaking news about Congressman Paul coming into the war for the White House bunker right now. Let's go over to Jason Copeland in the Democrat grid, Jason. Yeah, Andrea, this is really big.
Apparently, Ron Paul has emptied the city of Akron of its entire populace. What happened? Well, from what we can gather from our sources, after finishing his stump speech earlier today, Paul drove to the edge of town in his jalopy and blew a single ethereal blast on a strange horn of some sort, after which every man, woman and child started following him out of the city.
Is there any- Now, just one second. This is quite dramatic. Take a look at this camera phone footage of that happening. You can hear the crowd complaining about Washington insiders and the high price of gas, and then the video cuts out.
Is there any indication as to where Ron Paul may have taken these people? The only clue that we have right now is a scroll that he posted on the door of Akron City Hall. It reads, seems as though the people of Akron have disappeared into thin air, much like the Federal Reserve's accountability after the dissolution of the gold standard.
Amazing. Very curious.
Okay, Jason, we need to take a break, but we will get back to you as soon as we return. All right. Now, we'll also be discussing Mitt Romney's decision to invite the middle class to a meet and greet at his estate in New Hampshire. Stay with us. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_michelangelo_s_david_defends_art_snl | Last week, a Florida principal was forced to resign after parents were outraged when a photo of Michelangelo's David, a new statue, was shown during a lesson on Renaissance art. here to comment is: Michelangelo's David. hey, thanks for having me. Wow, Michelangelo's David.
Hey. hey, man, I'm sorry, but I'm over here. can you Not turn your head? Oh, I've actually never tried. let's find out. Filling with this Florida controversy, I mean, those parents were pretty upset. those parents were ignorant prudes. What are they even talking about?
I'm the world's greatest sculpture, and I'm a very pretty boy. Well, it sounds like the parents didn't want their kids to see your privates. Hey, I'm proud of my tiny, shiny penis and my big stone pewgs. I've got nothing to hide. I'm beautiful, and I think your audience deserves to see that.
Who wants to see that, huh? No, no, David. no, we can't do that. What is wrong with you people? Why? I want to do it.
Well, you can't show that. one parent said it was pornographic. it's art. it's not pornography. Okay, well, right now it's pornography. I'll tell you when it's art again. that's fine. if people want to see it, they can go to a museum in Italy or look at it online. Oh, you're one of those guys. Well, you can see it online. Well, you can see whatever I need to online. that's sad. Look, I am from the Bible, okay?
I kill Goliath with a tiny rock and my faith in God, Dong Out. You ever been in a fight with your Dong Out? no. answer me. Have You ever been in a fight with your Dong out? I did answer. I said no. I'm serious, Che. fight with your Dong out. yes or no? no. well, you should try it. it really distracts the other guy. quite a bit, you know what I mean? no. you know what?
I'm just gonna show it. please. that's the show. No, please don't, man. come on. what are you scared of? all the best art is nude. me, nude. Venus, Demilo, nude. Statue of Liberty, show's feet. What are you talking about? I'm saying you're the most beautiful piece of art in the world sitting next to you and you don't even want to look at it.
I see it. I can see it now. and? I mean, I'm no art expert, but it's kind of small. well, most people will see it from below. And do you want to come under and see it from below? No, I do not. Well, while you're looking at it, do you notice how, like, the hair up here is the same down here?
But that's not, like, right, right? it's too thick. it's like rocks. Look. don't, don't, don't show that. What's that? No, don't show that, please. it's just rocks.
God, Americans are uptight. Did you know in the Italian version of Snl you can show full penetration? What? what? our Matt Foley lived in a Man down by the river. You know what? if you want to show it so bad, then show it. we're all watching. Well, now I'm shy.
Get Out Of here, man. Michael Adler's David, everybody. Show My Big David? No, Get Out Of Here. |
cracked | the_mind_blowing_truth_behind_talking_baby_movies_today_s_topic | The answer is John Travolta and Kirstie Alley. So what's the question? The question is, did you just time travel back from a future where I ask dumb questions?
Look who's talking, none of the babies actually talk. Not a question. That's the title of the movie. And the baby in question doesn't ever speak.
He just thinks and we can hear his inner monologue the whole time. So the answer to the question, look who's talking, has to be the adults. John Travolta and Kirstie Alley. Did you think that look who's talking was a question? The title isn't look, who's talking? Why would you make a movie where the premise is adults can talk in it? God, I can't believe I'm actually about to argue this. It's not just inner monologues.
These babies are technically communicating with each other. Look at the scene in the park. How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb? These babies, A, can understand what the adults are saying and B, are talking to each other even though yeah, okay, the adults can't understand it.
It's Rugrats rules. Rugrats rules.
Wait, I thought in Rugrats they were hiding their ability to talk from the parents, like Toy Story. No. In Rugrats, the babies can understand each other and the adults, but the adults can't understand them. We know this because of the episode where Stu, the dad, he gets brain damage and he can temporarily understand everything the babies are saying. You're funny, Chuckie. So I assume that the babies are communicating with each other in a way that we can only see as talking for the movie.
But how? What is implied there? Telepathy? Are all babies telepathic? Possible. Or is it like, baby Ansible?
Daniel, not everything is about sci-fi. The answer is actually rooted in real life. When we lose one set of skills or senses, we overcompensate with our other senses. Like how I'm terrible at math, but fantastic at love making.
It's possible that these babies, who haven't yet learned language, can learn how to read facial expressions in other non-verbal emotional states so well that it's like talking. They're saying that these mini-humans, these champions of poop, are masters at cold reading. Right! They're so good at face and body cues that it's like mind reading.
And that's what's going on in Rugrats and such. Fine. But that doesn't explain how the dogs can talk to each other and look who's talking now. What do you say you and me go play Buried of Bones? Well, it almost does. What?
Brigham Young University did a study where they took six-month-old babies and they showed them pictures of dogs, and regardless of whether or not they had ever seen a dog in their life, they were able to correctly identify the dog's bark with its corresponding picture. That was an adorable experiment. I know, right? Also, holy shit, babies can talk to dogs? Whatever floaty non-verbal pathway babies use to understand what adults are thinking and feeling is the same non-verbal pathway that they're using in Look Who's Talking. And it's the same pathway that animals use to communicate in 101 Dalmatians and Aristocats and every other talking animal movie. So you're saying there was a time when I was a baby and maybe could understand my dog, but I don't get to remember that?
Life is a cruel joke.
Right. Once we develop language skills, we lose our admitting mind-reading abilities. That's a theory, anyway. That's why you can't tell your dog to tell your baby to shut up, even though you really won't want to. Language skills in exchange for telepathy. Ahhh! Such a bad trade-off! Well, it's also around the same time that we learn how to poop for ourselves. Do you think if I poop my pants, I can regain the ability to read minds? Absolutely.
Not! Absolutely not, Daniel!
It's fine. Daniel! I'm just sitting higher now. Hey there. What's that? Oh, this?
Just an old relic from my childhood. You know, the old days. Hey listen, if you subscribe, you and I can have a catch together. Go deep. You know what, let's just do a hand-off. Good times.
Thanks for watching! See you next time! Bye! |
dropout | all_nighter_iii_office_desmond | This is it. This is the door me and that intern found right before he died. Have you ever been inside? No. It's locked, but I believe it's our destiny. It looks like you have to push, but actually- AHH!
WOAH! Is that it? WOAH!
You think he can just waltz in the house and have that's my brother? Oh, shit, he's got it! No, no, no, no, wait a second, wait a second.
That's a supply closet. You live in a supply closet.
State your business, brother, before I blow this friggin' head off! Okay, what are you guys screaming about out here? I can hear you from my desk!
I think my God, is she? Um, me? I'll be waiting, Sara.
Wait and hold up in a supply closet for the day that I'll see your face again for three years, brother. Dude, you've been in the supply closet for like three years?
I'm tired of games. I've risked too much to lose you again. Will you be my wife, brother? Ow, this is really awkward. I have no idea who you are.
Oh, he's got a pee bucket. Oh, God. Oh, my God, look at how much he's in there. Ew.
We were in love? I don't think we were.
Search your heart, brother. Search your heart.
I know you're him. My God, I do remember you. We went out on one date like four years ago. I think your mom, I think your mom set us up. Yeah, we went to TGI Friday's and you had so many potato skins that you puked. We went home at like nine o'clock. I can't believe you thought we were in love. You're not even Scottish. Your life seems like Finkelstein or something, right? Yeah, you got me.
I just thought a cool voice would help me meet girls. I'm having a hard time meeting people.
Yeah, you live in a supply closet. My hair looks like a wig. Maybe we could go to... Yep, big steakhouse. Alright, you're trying to do a voice, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah, still no. Get a few entries in a minute. Oh, this one's got poo in it. Why the fuck do you live in a supply closet? It smells like potato skins. Yeah, he's right. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_dazed_and_confused | That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.
Dazed and Confused The 1993 cult classic about what it's like to go through a car wash captivated audiences with its nostalgic aesthetic and instantly lovable characters. Here's some trivia that will change the way you watch Dazed and Confused forever. Writer and director Richard Linklater based much of the movie on his actual experience of walking deep into the woods and punching the first teenager he could find. Dazed and Confused was lauded for the way it seamlessly blended multiple layers and stories about a handful of different groups. Nerds, jocks, freshman boys, freshman girls, seniors, teachers, the key maker of all realities, my parents who I miss dearly, and this mystery pervert. Linklater is a notorious film buff who loves to make references to other movies in his films. Check out this awesome homage to Jurassic Park.
You two are fuckin' dead, you hear me, you're fuckin' dead! Ben Affleck won an Oscar for his portrayal of a young Adolf Hitler in the film. While Dazed and Confused is an incredible movie, it's not without its flaws. Like this shot where somebody completely butchered the spelling on this drive sign. And let's face it, the film's depiction of baseball is way off. And how about this wardrobe malfunction?
Oh, I'm sorry, was everyone in the 70s covered in milk? To my knowledge, no, they were not. The 70s, oh my God, they obviously suck.
While Dazed and Confused is mostly known for its throwback 70s feel, there are a few clever nods to the future throughout the movie. Like here, when this girl has to troubleshoot her malfunctioning cyborg before heading out on the town. And this easily looked-over scene where Benny uses a very early Apple computer prototype to send an email to his doctor.
Pretty neat, huh? You cool, man? I'm like, how? Did you know this bit of trivia?
Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley make a moving cameo in the film as two students suffering from lockjaw. You just gotta keep livin', man, L-I-V-I-N. Matthew McConaughey loved his character's just-keep-livin' mantra so much that the actor actually decided to stay alive well after the movie was made, and even continues to be alive somewhere right now. It wouldn't be a Richard Linklater movie without an obligatory shout-out to math. Nice one, Rich. Me and my loser friends, you know, we gotta go get Aerosmith tickets. One major storyline in Dazed and Confused is the seniors' plan to get Aerosmith tickets, which is bittersweet for me, since my father was run over and killed by Aerosmith's tour bus. All right, all right, all right. Matthew McConaughey's now-famous line, all right, all right, all right, has become a classic movie quote, but his signature line was originally much longer. Well, that's all the Dazed and Confused trivia for now. Hopefully you learned a thing or two about this awesome movie that will make you want to enjoy it all over again. Thanks for watching! |
CrackerMilk | girlfriend_translator | Hey, do you want to go get some ice cream or something? Yeah, I can take you to get some ice cream. You're not going to have any ice cream? No, I had some food before, but I can take you to get some.
Oh. No, that's fine. But you just said you wanted to get ice cream. It's fine.
Hi. Who's that? I'm his girlfriend interpreter.
It's a subscription service. I don't want to get ice cream unless you're also getting ice cream because I can't enjoy it without you. Doing it by myself will make me feel unloved and like a fat pig. That's exactly what I just said. Okay, well, I'll get some ice cream, sure. That sounds like fun. No, the moment's gone now. What? I don't want ice cream anymore.
You've ruined it because you're just going to do it because you know that I wanted you to. But you have to want to want it yourself. Do you want to do something else?
Sure. What about pot pot? Like mini golf? Yeah. Uh, yeah, okay.
I'd rather gouge my own eyes out than play mini golf with you. I think every woman probably secretly hates pot pot.
It's dumb. What are you... Oh, sorry. Mum's calling me. Oh, you can get it. Oh, thanks. Don't fucking answer it. In the middle of our conversation where I'm feeling really vulnerable, you're going to ignore me to talk to your mother who I'm pretty sure hates my guts.
Are you okay? I'm fine. I'm not fine. This is a deeply upsetting conversation. I'm going to go to my room later and play this over in my head about 100 times and analyse our relationship and whether or not I'm doing the right thing by being with you. Hm. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. Is that true? He's fine.
Boom, boom, boom. In my butt.
I do. I don't. I fucking hate it.
I have sticks. Do you want to play with your little sticks and hit balls into holes? I haven't got a ball in my hole for a while.
Oh. Um, and... |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_to_always_get_away_with_sleeping_at_work_ | Hey, Todd, I'm not gonna fall asleep You can't wear that here what's wrong with my shirt the neck pillow Todd I read the handbook cover to cover Todd front to back Todd, please Tip to taint Todd and there's nothing in the dress code about neck pillow. This is a mandatory meeting You have to stay awake. I'm great at staying awake. I have been doing it for three days Todd Todd What were you sleeping with your eyes open? I'm awake. I Clearly couldn't have been asleep if my eyes were wide open He was sleeping sir.
Shut the hell up Kyle Todd. Don't talk to Kyle that way and Kyle You got to stop telling on people man what I don't do that you do it all the time like when name one time He's it He's just leave them. This is somehow less disruptive So if you turn to table 2.4 Take the neck pillow off now, I don't Todd just do it There's pizza in the bathroom. And if we don't finish now, we're just gonna get cheese. There's pizza in the bathroom Yeah on the counter Gross relax.
It's in a box Todd now Okay And stop looking at me like that. How do you mean? You're you're not blinking I don't have to I blinked before I came in. I have naturally damp corneas probably won't have to blink for another How long is this meeting 20 25 minutes Until I blink I found this under his seat. Oh good my eye drops. It's gorilla glue, sir. Call you tattletale bitch you Glued your eyes open to sleep in my meeting You're fired He's sleeping get out tattletale I wasn't tattling I was stating a fact for the purpose of to tattle What kind of pizza is in the bathroom I Think Onion Run to back front to back Dip to taint Tipped taint |
TheOnion | Markets_In_Turmoil_As_Price_Of_Money_Skyrockets_To_90_A_Dollar | Causing substantial panic among both American consumers and businesses alike, markets went into a frenzy today after the price of money suddenly skyrocketed to $90 a dollar. Onion reporters spoke to economics professor Mark Cosgrave about the soaring cost of U.S. currency and the impact of increasingly unpredictable dollar-to-dollar rates. Right now, money prices are steeply rising with no signs of slowing down. This morning alone, the price of dollars nearly tripled with one cent worth approximately $6. That's exponentially higher than even a week ago when money was trading at roughly $53 on the dollar. To put it bluntly, we're now in the midst of a national economic crisis. If markets aren't controlled, we could soon see money going for as high as $160 a dollar and one American dollar won't be worth so much as two dimes. According to Cosgrave, the abrupt spike in dollar prices initially caused many Americans to hold onto their money, hoping that the $90 cost of dollars would soon dip back down. As prices continued to climb, investors panicked and began purchasing as much money as possible, prompting interest rates to reach as high as 5.8% on all dollar investments greater than $1,000. Americans should avoid spending their money on U.S. currency until prices stabilize at a more affordable $60 or even $65 a dollar. But with the cost of quarters hitting $4.97 and the $5 bill jumping to a 12-year high of $372, the days when you could get $30 or $40 for just a couple of bucks are unfortunately long gone. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_new_york_city_rats_carry_covid_berlin_s_topless_pools_snl | A deep-sea diver has announced plans to set a new record by living underwater for 100 days. Feel like the record is longer than that, said the people of New Orleans. Ooh. I don't know why I thought that'd make me laugh. a man in Florida said he was surprised when he heard a knock at the door, and it turned out to be an alligator. even more surprising, it was doing the thing from love, actually. officials in Berlin announced that women will now be allowed to go topless at the city's pools. but officials also said, to be aware, it's not going to be the ones you want. according to a new report, by 2035, more than half of the world's population will be just how I like them. A photo viral of a 98-year-old woman in Kentucky meeting her first, great, great, great grandchild. Well, I wish I had gotten to meet my great, great, great grandmother, so I could have told her, don't get on that boat! Acting during that one, man. there is a trend on tiktok of people eating oranges in showers claiming that it reduces stress and anxiety. but if you're comfortable filming yourself eating in the shower, I would argue you don't have enough anxiety. A new study finds that long distance running does not cause wear and tear on marathoners' knees, but it does sand their nipples clean off. Wednesday was International Women's Day. I said, was, next joke, a new Study finds. A new study finds that some New York City rats carry the virus that causes Covid, which is why I always order mine well done. |
cracked | hollywood_doesn_t_know_crap_about_bathrooms_yboc | He was Cortez, triumphantly gloating over Montezuma and the Aztec nation. Man, I wish somebody would pillage me.
Well hey there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding and my mom says I rely too heavily on bathroom humor but she can be a real poo-poo head sometimes. Anyway, if you're watching your Brain on Crack, the show where I lather myself in soaps and oils and I lather the internet with my medical advice, I'm the only show on crack where the entire production team could fit in one tub. Well, before I start scrubbing my downstairs mix-up, let's diagnose. We may not agree on which direction the toilet paper goes but we all know the basics of how to use the bathroom. At least, everybody does except the people who create our entertainment, apparently. Though, to be fair, it's hard to imagine normal people using the bathroom when you yourself simply shit into your production assistant's hands. But anyway, here are a few of Hollywood's best guesses as to how normies tussle with the toilet.
When's the last time you talked to somebody in a public restroom? Not just like a nice dick you got there, man, but a full-on conversation of vital importance. Never, right? I mean, you're there to squeeze out some liquid waste and leave. Any additional second spit in the bathroom increases your chances of awkwardly locking eyes with somebody who either just finished or is just about to start violently pinching off a loaf. What did you eat? And it's by definition a public place.
Even if the room is empty, your nemesis could be listening outside the door. And yet, for some reason, movies think bathrooms are the perfect place to vent frustrations about your co-workers, or detail vital plans, or make death threats in between dirty squirts. Everything from Pitch Perfect to Harold and Kumar to freakin' Spider-Man Homecoming includes scenes like this. And of course, the one thing that should make you think twice before shouting dangerous secrets over your confidants' wet farts in real life actually happens to movies all the time. If you're trash-talking in a public bathroom, there's an 86% chance that the subject of said trash talk is, like, 8 feet away in a stall. In Robocop, Bob Morton and his best work friend are apparently struck with the urge to take a good old-fashioned, simultaneous piss, and while they're whimsically crossing their streams, they decide to loudly disparage their boss.
But not only do they not check the stalls to see if he's maybe blowing out an o-ring in there, they totally ignore the other four employees in various states of waste release. Those guys know the boss is throwing out the morning glory, and they quickly evacuate as soon as talk turns libelous. Meaning, even if the boss didn't happen to be dropping deduce, any of those other people could have ratted them out.
You just... Hell, in Designated Survivor, a guy taking his sh-t talk sh-t to the guy sh-t next to him who's literally who he's sh-t talking about, I mean sh-t. I'm telling you, man, I gotta have my mind to make it run to Canada, you know what I'm saying? Oh. He just opens up to the stranger, grunting in the stall next to him. That's how free and unworried Hollywood thinks we are in public restrooms, as if busting a grumpy in public isn't the single most stressful and terrifying thing we do on a regular basis. Oh sh-t. So pretend you're about to have sex, and you're waiting in bed while your partner gets ready in the bathroom. Through the door, you hear a muffled voice. You lean closer.
Is he on the phone? Did he stop to call his mom? Nope.
They're yelling encouragement at themselves in the mirror. Smeagol did it once. He can do it again. At this point, you're either having some serious doubts about it, or you're in a movie, in which case it makes perfect sense. In Geely, Ben Affleck apparently needs to talk himself into sex by flexing and yelling at his reflection, somehow watching his angry young body all swollen and red as the perfect motivator to get out there and engage in some turkey time. His speech is full of inspiring quotes like, get the bull by the horn.
You know what I'm talking about? I'll give you the horn. Want to see the horn?
I'm the bull. You're the cow. How else would a straight guy convince himself to sleep with circa 2003 Jennifer Lopez? Cow.
Similarly, Paul Rudd's character in Wanderlust has to practice his dirty talk out loud. This is obviously played for laughs, but the underlying joke seems to be, we've all been here, right guys? I mean, we all have to pop ourselves up in front of a mirror and become our own fluffers.
You gonna take it? You gonna take that dip? Now what?
I'm gonna put my dick in. At the other end of the spectrum, when Pulp Fiction's Vincent Vega gets into a sexually tense situation with his boss's wife, he has to go into the bathroom and convince his erection to deflate. Go home, jerk off, and that's all you're gonna do. Just as a matter of common sense, are none of them worried that the very person they're trying to seduce, or hide their arousal from, will hear them? I mean, they're in the next room. Bathroom doors aren't insulated for smell, much less sound. I'm gonna put my dick in. What's up, man, you all right?
Showers are a lot like the kids from Harry Potter. I mean, it takes a long time for them to get hot. The first water out of the shower head is the several cold gallons of water that have been sitting in the pipes all night before the good stuff, and the hot water heater arrives. Most people will thus turn it on and do their taxes or whatever for a minute or two before testing the temperature with a hand, and then after all that stepping in. We're all so far!
But not if you're in a movie. No.
Before you even crank the knob, you're gonna get naked, stand in there, and turn it on without so much as adjusting the temperature and just let it splash down on you like a freakin' psycho. Speaking of, in Psycho, the Psycho remake, and the Scream Queen's homage, she just stands there and lets ice-cold water blast her in the boobs. Hannah from Girls does the same thing in a scene that somehow features less Lena done immunity than usual, and Seinfeld does it in that episode with a whole B-plot about Kramer's apartment's water pressure. Yes, the whole joke is that he was hilariously taken by surprise by what his shower did because he didn't test it first, but the implication is that every single other day for 45 years, Kramer's just been stepping in his showers and hoping the temperature is perfect as soon as the knob is turned. But, you know, classic Kramer, what a nut!
Look, I'm a fully clothed, fully professional doctor sitting in a fully real tub, but the only reason you should ever be fully clothed in a bathtub with other people is if you've been murdered or you're training your Olympic bobsled team. Right, turn seven, straight, turn eight! Yet, for some reason, in movies, it happens all the time. Characters love to bond and discuss their lives, hopes, dreams, and how they don't even own enough towels to get them dry now. In Garden State, Natalie Portman and Zach Braff bond over Braff's mom dying after making the absolutely BRAFFLING decision to sit in a dry tub. Literally, the cold-ass floor would be more comfortable. This is such a good idea. In Paper Towns, the popular girl and the protagonist only become friends after a good, fully clothed bathtub session where they both presumably realize their shared love of slightly damp underwear. And in Big Fish, Albert and his wife finally accept his impending death thanks to their time doing exactly the opposite of what tubs are supposed to be used for. This isn't just a Hollywood thing, either. It's such a common fashion shoot setting that there are entire photo collections of hot people in bathtubs just eating, drinking, answering the phone, all fully clothed. Sometimes it's with water, sometimes it's without water, sometimes it's with milk.
Wait, is this a fetish? Is that how you weirdos found this video? Some of these people are wearing shoes. Does that make it hotter for you? No, seriously, what can I do to make you watch future videos? Okay, quick.
What's the process for brushing your teeth? Might I suggest wet the toothbrush, put toothpaste on it, run it over your teeth, think about how you haven't been to the dentist in eight years, spit, rinse out your mouth, and then go on to do life-saving surgeries and other actual doctor things. It's a pretty straightforward process that really shouldn't change no matter how fantastical the world of your movie is. Presumably, Legolas brushes his teeth just the same as Luke Skywalker, yet almost every cinematic toothbrush fails to complete that list. Specifically, they forget to rinse out their foaming, mint-filled mouth. Maybe I'm just going crazy. For example, the seminal cheerleading classic, Bring It On, has an entire cutesy teethbrushing scene where the future Mary Jane Watsoners' stripling lover clean their teeth side by side, spitting multiple times. But then suddenly, Loverboy finishes brushing, wipes his mouth, and leaves the bathroom as if they've completed the entirety of their nightly foreplay, but rinse! Rinse, you pig! The Devil Wears product manages to show Andy spitting out her toothpaste, which magically hasn't foamed in the slightest, but again, no effort to rinse. You mean to tell me that during her entire stressful day of picking out stylish outfits for Satan, that Andy's mouth is crammed full of gummy toothpaste? How can she recite Satan's prayer if her tongue is constantly sticking to the roof of their mouth? And no, I haven't seen the whole movie. This is one of those situations where filmmakers have decided this extra three seconds would be wasted screen time, despite us already literally watching a teethbrushing scene. So they just skip it, but now I can't stop noticing that they never ever rinse, and neither should you. Okay, and yes, I know I'm courting controversy with this one. Some dentists are in the comments right now telling me they're rinsing your mouth out after brushing is bad for your teeth, and they're asking if I'm wearing an eyeliner. But look, they're not even real doctors like me, and I'm a doctor of the whole body, and this is how normal, American, freedom-loving humans take care of their mouth bones.
Am I wrong? I dare you to tell me that I'm wrong.
I'm gonna pop off a piece of my dick. Sitcom characters have to be weird enough to be fun, but not so weird that it frightens us. I mean, nobody wants to see Kramer bite the head off a live pigeon. No problem there.
Hollywood has decided that the perfect way to convey this mild quirkiness is to have everyone hang out in their bathroom for hours at a time. Hang on. The opening scene of Broad City's third season shows Abby and Ilana using their personal bathrooms for literally everything. TV bathrooms are not just for pooping or for crying. They're for eating, exercising, talking on the phone, boning, knitting, more eating, weed smoking, dancing, becoming better friends, and even filming internet videos. They say. It's the same deal in Girls, a show in which roommates inexplicably bathe together and hang out while one of them is on the toilet. They have group meetings in there, and a substantial amount of the show's plot is developed six inches from a freaking floater.
That was gross. That's so gross. In other shows, characters sleep in bathrooms.
Hello. Have debates. Thank you guys for coming. It's really helpful that you're here.
And basically, do everything short of move their TV in there. Oh, wait! So what did we learn today, Caleb? Well, we learned that bathrooms are real.
And that I need to start rinsing my meds. That's great. Good work. All right. On your way out, be sure to grab some medicine for your terminal dandruff.
Left! Right! For Olympics, here we come! We're due to anybody else?
No, but seriously, guys, it'd be really helpful if you would like, if you would subscribe, if you would comment, share with your friends. We're still trying to grow this thing. |
TheOnion | Breaking_Story_So_New_Reporter_Literally_Has_No_Information | When shots rang out at a suburban mall, our team rushed to the scene. Was anyone injured or killed? Had the shooter been apprehended or was he still on the loose? We had no information whatsoever. This was a raw story. The call just came in over the police radio.
We don't have time to set up the sat truck. Yeah, yeah, right here. It's just me and my producer Glenn in a camera. Buckle up. This is the north side parking lot of the mall.
We don't know where in the mall the shots were fired. We don't know what's going on. Looks like a security guard. I'm going to see what he knows. Turns out he wasn't a security guard. He was just a guy in a blue suit. We still have zero information. Where do we go next? I have no idea.
My gut says that way. Come on.
I see an ambulance. Confirmed ambulance sighting. You'll see this space by the curb where an ambulance was parked just moments ago. I can still feel the residual heat. Where did the ambulance go?
Was anyone inside? One thing was clear. This story had yet to unfold. I managed to track down an employee. Hey! I don't know what's going on. I just saw people leaving, so I left too. Did you see the shooter? There's a shooter? Oh my God, are people okay? She had no information. The story was that new. I'm trying... Gah! Trail's gone cold.
Let's roll out. Let's go. Go, go, go, go, go.
Do you have any idea where the shooter is? I was being stonewalled by police, but I couldn't let that stop me. I see a helicopter. I spoke to a woman who said that she saw a man being escorted through the mall by police. Could this be the shooter? According to the description, he was a male, aged somewhere between 20 and 60. He's either Caucasian or part Latino or something like that. He was wearing some kind of a jacket, and I wrote something else here, but he got smudged. However, that information later turned out to be false. The shooter, if there is one, remains at large. Needless to say, our thoughts are with the victims here today, if there are any which we don't know yet. That's the Ross story. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_211_Grace_Tame | Hello listeners thank you for tuning in and just a heads up, in today's episode we discussed some rather heavy and potentially triggering subjects related to mental illness and abuse so we thought we'd just give you the heads up now, there are resources in the show notes. Thank you. How good is Australia? There's fucking language.
Let there be a thousand blossoms blooming through its pockets. But I ain't spending any time on it. Don't stop wearing the speedos.
You're listening to Decode, the The Tudor Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Well in a couple of days time Australians will head to the polls to decide their future and today's episode of the The Tudor Advocates Decode podcast will be the last interview we publish before that date. My name is Clancy Overill, editor of The Tudor Advocate and I'm joined by Errol Parker, editor at large. How are you Errol? Are you sick of this shit yet?
No Clancy, I think that's a wrong attitude to have in these dying days of the election campaign because this is when the politically uninvested start to open their ears and eyes to the messaging that each party is putting forward. The televised debates are over and now it's time for just some raw old fashioned campaigning, something that both leaders need to keep in mind. That is true and either way this hideous news cycle will come to an end one way or another this weekend, providing it isn't a hung parliament because if that's the case we might not ever hear the end of this shit. But a hung parliament though is not the worst outcome.
I mean Bob Catter got his first dam and in the interests of democracy I'd say it's probably the best outcome. Well that certainly is a sentiment shared by many people in Western Queensland. Now back to today's episode. Throughout this federal election podcast series we've tried to remain as balanced and impartial as possible. We've interviewed both sides of the political spectrum from David Littleproud the Ag Minister to Murray Watt the Shadow Minister for Emergencies. We've interviewed independents like Allegra Spender, David Pocock, Rebecca Sharkey. We've even interviewed the Torres Strait Islander incarnation of Bob Catter in the shape of Rod Jensen the KAP candidate for Leichhardt up there in the tip. Yes we've certainly cast a wide net.
That's to avoid accusations of taking funding from any political organisations or billionaires with vested interests, which we've never done and we never will and we'll leave that to the good people at Sky News. But if you're listening while she wouldn't mind a little cash injection or a piece of timeless art. Homes of court, homes of court. Those checks are still blank. Give us a call. Anyway unfortunately things rarely go to plan when it comes to trying to remain balanced and provide fair and authentic news.
It rivals the authenticity of the salt on the sun burnt dirt that surrounds us here in the Western Queensland Channel Country. It's hard in the outback journalism game.
We always wanted to finish strong with the final two episodes by interviewing a frontbencher from both of the major parties. Last week we had Chris Bowen MP, Shadow Minister for Climate Change and Renewable Energy and this week we had hoped to get the Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg on. Unfortunately that fell through because Josh is currently in the fight of his life to save his job from an independent challenger in the shape of Professor Monique Ryan down there in Cooyong. Yes we then reached out to a range of other liberals but it seems the memo has gotten around and the government to avoid any unnecessary media attention kind of left us on scene. We couldn't even get a moderate backbencher like your Jason Polinski's or even your Dave Sharma's but you know with the greatest respect we might as well take off one of your shoes Clance you need to view that because I'd say our many millions of listeners would probably get more out of it. Yes we don't feel like the fact that we weren't able to finish with Frydenberg makes us lefties though earlier in the campaign we interviewed Nats and Libs so go back and listen to that if you want shout out to Senator James Hume for joining us a few weeks back you were the only liberal to put your hand up. Luckily for us though today for the last episode the last episode before the election we have managed to wrangle an interview with an expert on both policy and politicization in the sense that she works on policy and is the victim of politicization from those she is trying to work with.
Anyway we'll get into all that I don't think this introduction has gone on far enough Yes Clancey as per usual you're dribbling again. Listeners let me introduce today's guest friend of the show Grace Tame how are you? Look I am all the better for being on the Betuda podcast with U2 Legends Well thank you for joining us. Oh no worries and look I think I can do a good Josh Frydenberg impression just give me billions of dollars and I will throw them away. Okay off to a good start here. Where are you dialling in from today Grace?
Hobart. Hobart I'm of the brave.
How are your Strava splits looking now days? My Strava splits are non existent on account of on the 1st of February I was riding my bike which I was doing in the interim from recovering from some bone injuries and then of course I came off my bike and I broke my collar bone so I haven't been really able to do very much at all. Things could be worse I didn't suffer any kind of brain injuries that I know of.
Well you know I thought it was more or less to do with the fact that the sun goes down on the 8th of May in Hobart and comes up again on the 29th of August is what we're led to believe here in Western Queensland. Ah yeah look whatever. Bit of Hobart sledgeing to get us going now Grace has the 2022 federal election campaign has it been as fun for you as it has been for the rest of us? Fun yeah oh gosh you know I'm at once surprised and not surprised the depths to which this particular lot are prepared to seek never ceases to amaze me and it's got nothing to do with party politics I hope that Australia is realising that now it's everything to do with human decency, basic human decency really.
It's interesting there are a lot of parallels between this government and the Trump government. I was living in the US and was there for at least the first half of Trump's term.
And you guys would be familiar with, or I assume you would be familiar with wrecking crew politics or that theory of leadership? Yeah yeah we are, do you want to explain it for the listeners?
Oh well it's really just abandonment of the pay pool to the extent that there's an increasing privatisation of services. I mean to cut a long story short what the ultimate upshot of that is a complete deterioration of the middle class and really what happens is the rich get richer and the poor get poorer to a really really awful extent. Well yeah it sounds a lot like what's happening here in Betuda with Mayor Keith Carton I think he's a bit of a wrecking ball. Yeah absolutely and what you're describing there Grace it's happening in councils and governments right around Australia the idea of painting yourselves in government and government whether it's you or your opposition painting yourselves as useless in the eyes of the voter so that they tend to lose faith in the system itself. It's deliberate abandonment and neglect. It's very calculated and it's quite insidious as well.
So this persecution of minorities and the deliberate sacrificing I suppose of Warringah through the scapegoating of Catherine Deaves is a political tactic that has a sort of broader design to it and that is to appeal to the morals of people who have an ideology that reflects Scott Morrison's own and it's really quite sad and I think perhaps what Scott has forgotten you know in the fog of his Canberra hive mind perhaps is is that throughout his tenure he has thrown a very high number of minorities under the bus and it isn't just a game to people and the public it is our real lives and you know he might be semi-detached from if not completely detached from it all up there but out here we don't forget and it's starting to add up now and you know who's going to be the Prime Minister for all these minorities you know because in reality the trans community are Australians you know and the trans youth they are our future children are our future who are the voices of those people who are the leaders of those people if not you know our Prime Minister and you know women and the disabled community who he sort of outed himself as sort of above you know and that was what that comment was about and I don't think perhaps that take wasn't explored you know because people were like oh he didn't mean it and it's like well of course it wasn't that it was planned you know somebody from the audience asked that question but in that moment what was revealed was that that comment came from a person who sees people who are different to him in some way as being you know lesser than or you know and it's become quite obvious now there are lots of different people who he's been prepared to sacrifice unfortunately there are people in society who believe they are entitled to discard others who either challenge their power who challenge their ideology just certain inconvenience to them or people who were never going to vote for him anyway or who persecute minorities to bully even allies to backstab friends like one of those people is the Prime Minister It's interesting you say that they're adding up because I've had to think about this just while you're talking now and it's kinda it was one thing to scapegoat the Muslim community heading into an election but now we're learning that he also scapegoats the Christian Arabs into being Muslims like he did there with Michael Toke down there for the pre-selection and I guess what you're saying is that's fine he can get away with that because the Maronite Lebanese don't represent that much of the voting population but they know what he's done to them and the Lebanese Muslims know what he's done to them now the trans community knows how he feels about them and I guess the disability community also know that he feels blessed to not be one of them do you think he's trodden on enough people to kind of feel that at the polls? Yeah I think you can't put it down to now a bias you know and this is what I sort of was trying to point out very early on it's not about me I don't really like politics in general oddly enough I'm here to be an advocate of the survivor community I'm not I can't speak for all survivors there are many survivors who won't see themselves in me that are very different to me you know it's a very diverse community we're just human beings you know like any cohort you're gonna get differences of opinion within that community because again just a human and the stats are one in five it's one in six boys and one in four girls that is abused before they're 18 you know and my trajectory is pretty rare it's a gift to be heard and it's not one that I take lightly and I know that I make mistakes you know and I'm just learning I didn't go to uni I don't know all the correct terminology and sometimes you know like I say things that again I don't intend to get wrong but invariably I will stumble and that's okay you know I'm human and I'm prepared to keep an open mind and listen and be you know corrected along the way and you sort of take people along the journey but it's not about party politics at the end of the day there are great representatives of the Liberal Party you know the New South Wales Treasurer came out and said there's no place for this bigotry in the modern Liberal Party and he's right there's no place for this bigotry in the world like you know there's this misinformation too about trans children being mutilated it's just like you can't get the operation until you turn 18 yeah I want to go back to the wrecking ball politics we actually we've come out of the gate hot on this interview I really enjoy having you on Grace do you think Scott thinks that far ahead do you think when he intervened on the New South Wales pre-selections to get a candidate in Warringah once the safest seat in the entire country once held by Tony Abbott he put someone in there who basically looks like she's trying to get a job on Sky News and just gives a weekly comment about you know trans people and you know talking about things that obviously no one in her electorate's coming up to talk to her about do you think he's thinking that far ahead or do you think he is just rolling with a crisis that he has created well the thing is I don't know what he thinks I don't really want to what I can say is this this is just my two cents and I one of my principles is like I'm not here to try and force my two cents on anyone I believe in you know encouraging people to always be interrogating their conditioning and present ideas and my thoughts you know and again like I'm not always right about things but my take on it is that people who are and I'm going to go right out and say it people who are egocentric like him or at least that's my experience with him well not I actually thankfully haven't spent that much one on one time with him and I don't care for you because the way that he responded to me because I called him out and well called a spade a spade was to intimidate me with you know his resources which are far greater and more powerful than mine that's how you want to use your resources as Prime Minister to carry out your petty vindictive vendettas right I hope you feel good about that while the country is in the middle of a pandemic and there are people dying you know in floods and there are still people who don't have their homes after the bushfires good job Scott anyway that's what I was saying but that's what you were saying is he doesn't give a consideration of what people are going through he's so trapped in his ideology which is somewhat I would say distorted in that you know he's not unintelligent he's quite intelligent too like I'll give him that he's the Prime Minister no one can be the Prime Minister of a country no one can be the leader of a country without having intelligence and skills and mastery at least at Grace this is a remarkably different interview we're having compared to the last time and I'm going to explain why to the listeners the last time we had you on we rocked the boat just slightly when you were able to reveal in the flow of conversation some charming words that Scott Morrison whispered in your ear after your powerful 2021 Australian of the Year speech that was a one off I don't think you wanted to rock the boat we certainly didn't think after you said that it was going to end up on newspapers all around the country but it was but outside of that you've actually been pretty tight you know you've been a tight ship in terms of sharing your political opinions in that role you took it quite seriously all you did to earn the title as a lefty sleeper cell was look at him funny and that was basically all you gave and a few comments here and there that slightly criticized his character but outside of that you've remained an apolitical kind of advocate for survivors which is you know what you were when you first kind of became a household name as Australian of the Year can you tell us what it was like to keep your mouth shut because you did do that I mean I know it wasn't a responsibility but you took that role quite seriously in that it wasn't about taking a baseball bat to Scott Morrison as the Australian of the Year it was about you know advocacy what was it like to kind of have to bottle a few things up I don't know that I felt as though I really kept my mouth shut or anything I didn't feel like I was I wasn't walking around with you know like a ball and chain around my ankle or anything like that but I certainly opened my eyes up to a lot of things you know and certainly getting to meet Brittany Higgins as I did in September and hear her experience first hand you know straight from the horse's mouth which is what's really important to me because you know even the most independent outlets you know who have the best intentions you know and it's not all media of course you know and there are some great outlets too to advocate. Clean as a whistle there's the Saturday paper and you know like the shot which I've started writing for but a lot of mainstream media I mean you just look at the landscape it speaks for itself when you hear the numbers you know if you got Murdoch who owns 59% of the metropolitan and national print media and then you got Nine which is the next biggest in line and that's 23% you got a total of 82% there alone which is you know pretty right leaning here's what you got Costello who sits on the board is he chair or is he yeah he's chair of the board yeah he's chair of the board Costello was what former liberal treasurer under Howard yeah there's definitely no bias there no no no no what we're saying is it didn't matter what you did you were going to be painted as some sort of anti-skomo yeah what's interesting how about this if we just again this is what it's really about it's about sitting back and critically thinking about a lot of these things you know because I spent and I know this for a fact because I went around the country and I spoke at events now granted some of them were private so there couldn't be any media there to report on what I said for a reason because I was talking about my story which is very traumatic and I talk about some of my experiences self-harming not for shock value but for the purpose of truth because people need to understand what not only happened as a result but what happened during you know because who is still buys into this narrative of oh it was a relationship it was a consensual relationship a 15 year old and a 58 year old man who I would go to during the abuse and I would have you know cuts up my legs and arms and he would still do things to me knowing that that was a result of what he was doing to me it's complete nonsense sometimes media wasn't there but I did plenty of television interviews where I talked in depth about the stages of grooming in fact at the National Press Club on the 3rd of March last year I addressed an entire room of press gallery journalists and the MC very politely at the beginning she said please do not ask Grace about the situation in parliament because it was then very recently that Brittany Higgins had made her allegations of the rape in parliament and this wasn't because I'm not capable of answering any question it's mainly because what happens when you talk about these very activating subjects when a human being or an animal is put into their amygdala where trauma resides they are reduced to an animal it's fight, flight, freeze or fawn that's where you go you can be a rocket scientist and it won't matter logic becomes very hard if not impossible to access so all these gotcha questions that journalists throw at you it's really actually quite cruel it's not that I'm again incapable but again it doesn't matter who you are you're just reduced to those trauma responses and then I even in my speech explain this to journalists that ditch all your trying to get ratings or whatever I remember when I first got my voice back in 2019 I had an earpiece in and I was by myself in a room and I was on I think it was Studio 10 and Kerry-Ann Kennelly I couldn't even see anything and Kerry-Ann Kennelly after playing a clip that had the pedophiles voice in my ear in an interview with Bettina Arndt which really activated me because I don't really like to hear his voice go figure she goes take us back to your darkest moment and it was like fucking christ it wasn't really pleasant I was actually in the midst of a bout of anorexia at the time I was really underweight and not very well like I held my own but it was live on national television you know it's like a box of chocolates in that moment you could get anything and it's like yeah okay I'm tough but you could do that to someone and they could break down and cry you could do that to a war veteran and they would cry like yeah sure I haven't been to war and I'm not comparing myself to someone who's been through that but like I've also been through domestic violence too it's not nice don't do it I explained in a very conciliatory way too to this room full of journalists please don't do it and also the experience of abuse itself is underpinned by an erosion of boundaries especially as a child and as someone who had no concept of boundaries from coming from a broken home and suppressing my own needs in order to fawn to one of my abusers before this abuser who I was fawning to as well I didn't have much of a concept of boundaries and I was just asking for some basic respect and this MC had too and what did every journalist I shit you not every journalist do as soon as I was finished every single one asked me about politics and they had every opportunity to raise this issue of grooming on the national stage and they all just wanted in their little insular group to ask about politics to get their gotcha moment and it was disrespectful it recreated that dynamic wherein they held all the power and I was beneath them and they weren't aware of it and I was very respectful to them in that I answered their questions but they couldn't see the irony right in front of their eyes do you reckon it's always been like that or do you think this is a result of a kind of news cycle that's treading water and they don't know where the industry is headed or they're going for tick tock moments that seems to be a feature of the current federal election campaign or do you think that's just them there's the egos and there's a microphone in their hand and they're pointing it at you well look I don't know I mean it's not for me to make sort of broad stroke assessments of an industry which is you know in part you know you can make assessments of the industry itself you can make assessments of journalists themselves you know there's lots of ways to sort of unpack it but I think that the state of Australian journalism is pretty bad I would say the sensationalist journalistic model it's really awful because you know once upon a time journalism was something different it was just supposed to be an objective thing where you transmitted information from one source to another and it was reporting on both good and tragic events and now it could be said that the media contributes to them in some ways and there is you know like in the case of the Kitching Saga I mean that was a confected saga and one that was driven in many ways by the media. Did you feel like there was any pressure to really conform to what the public perceived to be the right way for an Australian of the Year to act because like I think a lot of people have this perceived kind of notion that the Australian of the Year should do things like when Robert D Costello opened the Arana Mall in Dubbo that's what a lot of people think the Australian of the Year is there to do is to simply perform a civic duty on behalf of the Australian people was there any pressure you felt to conform to you know this cookie cutter way that people like to think? No I mean many things can be true at once you know like I'll always be grateful for the opportunities and again like having a platform is a gift and in many ways I owe a lot to the Australian of the Year awards platform and then at the same time you know I could say that like I don't think a lot of people realise what it also has cost me and my family you know because I didn't ask to be named Australian of the Year or nominated for Australian of the Year it was something I had really no concept of or very little concept of prior to it all happening and it happened so in such an accelerated way you know and it's sort of a very real reason why trauma is processed over a long period of time and what happened in you know especially in that really concentrated 12 months and it's still happening now is that you know a lifetime of trauma was amplified it was also then scrutinised you know just relentlessly relentlessly you know so what I was saying before is that there was this fantastic opportunity for all of this information that I was giving about paedophilia about you know sexual abuse of children and particularly about this issue of grooming which I was really trying to bring to the fore you know about how successful predators are at you know manufacturing this even love and fawning that their victims sort of become possessed into feeling or not even feeling but possessed into believing that they feel for their abusers and I was trying to sort of really highlight this and in a lot of ways there was some coverage of that but the media really focused on because it was you know and who knows to what extent the government is deferential to the media or vice versa and that's you know I don't know but you know it became the mainstream media especially the Murdoch Press spent you know a disproportionate amount of time reporting on this supposed obsession that I have with the Prime Minister whereas in reality I would say that 1% of the talking that I did or the commentary that I've done has been about him like I have travelled Australia and I have delivered you know 45 minute keynotes followed by half an hour Q&As about everything but him yeah I don't really talk about him Jesus as far as tweeters go I'm not a serial tweeter who tweets five times a day I tweet very sporadically and you know sometimes I do memes about hilltop woods that was good stuff I have to interject here and say when you posted that photo of Barnaby's blood nose for my people in the front in the nosebleed section that was really good stuff Grace. I felt bad about that though I was like oh no is that mean and then I was like it's Barnaby Joyce yeah he can take a knock he certainly has on the Matilda advocate. Well look if there's anyone who can laugh at themselves it's Barnaby because if he doesn't have that then what does he have you are quite a um some would say a dry comic in many aspects and that's what you use Twitter for you're not up there berating the Prime Minister. There is one thing I would like to know is that what was your advice to Dylan as he handed on the baton Dylan doesn't need my advice he is a person who's spent a lot of his young life in the public eye where when you became the Australian of the year it was um the first a lot of people had heard of you so what was that like yeah it's very bizarre the opinions that really mean the most to me are the um the ones of the people that mean the most to me you know so like Max and my little brother who's twelve and my mum and my cousins and you know like my loved ones those are the ones about you know staying grounded you know feet on the ground and head out of the clouds and not letting those sorts of things get swept up and you know remembering your your own humanity and we're all just people you know I'm just an everyday Australian and always will be just an everyday Australian and you know I'm no different to the person that I was before I was named Australian of the year I am the same you know goofy flawed individual coming off bikes in Hobart coming off bikes in Hobart and I'm no more entitled to anything than anybody else and that's the problem is you know if we want to go back to you know Scott Morrison is that his entitlement you know like words like well I'm the Prime Minister you know and like she should smile at me because I'm the Prime Minister like and I'm not saying smile at me because I'm the Australian of the year like Imagine Lee Kernighan when he was Australian of the year demanding people smile at him Grace I want to kind of talk about that about your mortal sin of not smiling in front of a grown up or at least that's how he felt and just everything around that the pearl clutching that has happened obviously a lot of it is media led yeah a lot of it's artificial pearl clutching pearl clutching the same happened you know with every little fucking punch they could land on any advocates the same thing happened with Goodsy and I'm not comparing the two things but any slight flaw or anything that they could run with the media they would do you actually think that translates to the punters do you actually think anyone cares about a bong I certainly don't I mean Jesus I couldn't believe the outrage do you think people care as much as we're led to believe the outrage surrounding you know the side eye the photo of the bong from fucking 10 years ago whenever it was I mean you get to meet people you're touring the country you're probably meeting more people than the Prime Minister will in his incredibly well controlled campaign that doesn't translate through I haven't met a single person who's had the courage to say anything negative to my face every negative comment that I have received has been online yeah says something but again I think it's it's not really about that yeah it's just interesting I've had sort of my whole life I've had although I'm definitely a stranger to fame in terms of being the object of it I'm certainly not a stranger to the object of people's projections and this kind of happened last year as well on a much bigger scale like I would wake up some mornings and I'd find my face on the cover of some article that had been written about fourth wave feminism and I'd be like I don't even know what second and third wave feminism is but that's really lovely I've started and then I'd wake up and there'd be an article like with my face all scrunched up and it'd be something like angry something something something and I'd be like you know and just none of it was written by people who even knew me you know and that's like okay and again my I've focused on the opinions of my loved ones but it was just like this constant slinging back and forth from people who just had no actual concept of who I was at all and so this like whole smile thing was like to me or like this frown thing was like a circuit breaker of this culture of just like keeps upholding the status quo which are just a crock of shit really and like I I was standing next to Scott Morrison and I'm friends with Brittany and I'm like I can't smile at you like this is a crock of shit all these like play nice human institutions that just harbour abuses you know and cover it up for the sake of what I mean do you feel like you're expected to fawn in a sense in those circumstances I mean you were behaving how you felt we were seeing how you felt and you know you just said then you can't smile and I think a lot of people don't realise or they I mean perhaps they do but then again are triggered into this fawning because it is a visceral feeling this fawning you know like it's like the difference between like we're all happy to like I'm sure we've all done it where we have we're in the shower and we're practising what we're going to say to the people that really intimidate us and we're practising our arguments you know we're like getting shampoo out we're like I'm going to say this I'm going to say that and then we actually confront those people and they have this visceral effect on us and all of a sudden we start you know we just want to please them and that is fawning it's guttural In your advocacy Grace you know every conversation we have I'm learning a lot and I guess advocacy is not familiar until this conversation with the you know the fourth response which is fawn I mean I had heard freeze before and obviously fight or flight is the one that gets trotted around particularly for young men where it's presented as something like are you a man or a mouse are you going to you know fight or flight you know I'm learning a lot and Errol is too. How do you have these conversations around policy when you're talking about these things to people who just think they know everything aren't as receptive as we are to your advocacy or aren't as interested. Well you've got to talk to people again you know like it's got to be the right time and place and you've also got to understand that you can't force people to listen you've got to go in to any conversation or situation not with this idea that you're going to change people's minds that it's you know a negotiation and that you know it's about compromise you've got to allow people to present their ideas too and make people feel comfortable and feel heard. One of the things that was fascinating to me was you know I had the great honour I think we talked about it last time of you know touring with John Cleese even though John has completely lost me now with his aligning himself with JK Rowling and this anti-trans stuff but I remember having to sort of go off and get supplies and stuff and I got a few Ubers when we were in the deep south and I remember one of the drivers was a hardcore Trump supporter and I just sort of sat there and I just I listened to him talking about his views and he didn't argue with him or anything just listened to him just gave him an ear and that's a huge part of my job is as much as it is about talking to people and sharing experiences it's about listening and again making space and sharing the platform and allowing people to present their ideas Do you find it works using you know these kind of measured tactics in talking to and working with people who you could be chalk and cheese with? Yeah I mean you usually find common ground with any human beings or most of the time I think and if you go in it's like any situation if you go in with an attitude with an open mind you will get a good outcome most of the time I mean there's always going to be situations that don't work out but it's like if you go up to a snake with a stick and poke it you're probably going to get bitten you know so you know don't go into policy meetings with a stick is the moral of that story Yeah I do want to talk about kind of off the back of what we're just talking about here obviously Anthony Albanese you guys have developed a rapport but it is interesting you don't let him off scot free it hasn't stopped you from keeping the bastard honest do you find he is perhaps easier to talk to? Yeah well he's more respectful and a real person and what would you what would you guys say to the Australian people in these final days I mean I know that's not your job but you're on a platform that if a few people listen to what would you what would you kind of say? Yeah again it's not about party politics it really isn't like I said before people accuse me of being a labour hack all the time which you know whatever it's about principles you know and those principles are honesty, authenticity integrity but also sticking up for the underdog is such a huge part of Australian culture even if you just do isolate it to this particular example of this you know fraudulent hate campaign wherein the Prime Minister is prepared to sacrifice one of the most discriminated against minorities in you know LGBT youth they're the underdog and if he's prepared to sacrifice LGBT youth trans youth in order to maintain power who else is he prepared to sacrifice? that is not the Australian way nobody gets left behind nobody you lead for us you lead for everyone just ask yourself that you know I can't tell you who to vote for I can't tell you I can't tell you what to do again that's not my job but just ask yourself you don't have to sit you don't have to have these people in your home if that's what you're worried about like if that's oooh they're not forcing their values on you that's the whole point these people's freedoms do not compromise your freedoms even though that's how he's trying to spin it they actually don't trans kids not a lot of them actually want to play sport that's misinformation too just really think about it we'll take it back to the top and we'll finish on with that on the top you know just think about the different communities that have been trodden on and now we're seeing in the desperate kind of rattle of this election it's obviously it's kids that's who I'm a representative of I'm here for you know survivors of abuse and discrimination and yeah children are the future well you're doing an incredible job you're a gem thank you for joining us today enjoy your sausage sizzle on Saturday Grace Tame had the election that's assuming you haven't already voted on the pre-polls or maybe down in Tassie they just have a candied apple or something I don't know I've only been there once yeah thank you for joining us Grace it's always great to have you on and we'll have to catch up when we inevitably go down to that museum of necrophilic art is that what it's called? might as well be yeah thank you that's our final episode of Decode before the 2022 federal election and it's been quite an insightful yarn particularly I'll say so for myself and thank you Grace for again lending your time and labour to talking to us and our listeners thanks Grace always a pleasure tactics in talking to and working with people who you could be chalking cheese with yeah I mean you'll usually find common ground with any human beings or most of the time I think and if you go in it's like any situation if you go in with an attitude with an open mind you will get a good outcome most of the time I mean there's always going to be situations that don't work out but it's like if you go up to a snake with a stick and poke it you're probably going to get bitten you know so don't go into policy meetings with a stick is the moral of that story I do want to talk about kind of off the back of what we were just talking about here obviously Anthony Albanese you guys have developed a rapport it is interesting you don't let him off scot free it hasn't stopped you from keeping the bastard honest do you find he is perhaps easier to talk to? yeah well he's more respectful a real person and what would you say to the Australian people in these final days I mean I know that's not your job but you're on a platform that a few people listen to what would you kind of say yeah again it's not about party politics it really isn't like I said before people accuse me of being a labour hack all the time whatever it's about principles and those principles are honesty authenticity integrity but also sticking up for the underdog is such a huge part of Australian culture even if you just do isolate it to this particular example of this fraudulent hate campaign wherein the Prime Minister is prepared to sacrifice one of the most hated against minorities in LGBT youth they're the underdog and if he's prepared to sacrifice LGBT youth trans youth in order to maintain power who else is he prepared to sacrifice? that is not the Australian way nobody gets behind nobody you lead for us, you lead for everyone just ask yourself that I can't tell you who to vote for I can't tell you what to do again that's not my job but just ask yourself you don't have to sit you don't have to have these people in your home if that's what you're worried about if that's they're not forcing their values on you, that's the whole point these people's freedoms do not compromise your freedoms even though that's how he's trying to spin it, they actually don't trans kids, not a lot of them actually want to play sport that's misinformation too just really think about it we'll take it back to the top, we'll finish on with that on the top, just think about the different communities that have been trodden on and now we're seeing in the desperate kind of rattle of this election it's obviously, it's kids children are the future that's who I'm a representative of I'm here for survivors of abuse and discrimination and children are the future well you're doing an incredible job, you're a gem thank you for joining us today enjoy your sausage sizzle on Saturday Grace Tame happy election that's assuming you haven't already voted on the pre-polls or maybe down in Tassie they just have a candied apple or something, I don't know I don't know, I've only been there once thank you for joining us Grace it's always great to have you on and we'll have to catch up when we go down to that museum of necrophilic art is that what it's called? might as well be thank you, that's our final episode of Decode before the 2022 federal election and it has been quite an insightful yarn, particularly I'll say so for myself and thank you Grace for again lending your time and labour to talking to us and our listeners thanks Grace always a pleasure |
SaturdayNightLive | perfectly_frank_saturday_night_live | Good evening. I'm Frank Kincaid. And tonight I'm being perfectly frank with Psychology Professor Dr. Phyllis Wellner and Advertising Executive James Logan. our topic? subliminal Advertising. Dr. Wellner, would you please explain this phenomena?
What we're talking about here is brainwashing. it happens to millions of Americans every day. you're at home. you're watching the A-team on Tv. right in the middle of the action, a picture of Coca-cola is flashed on the screen, just for a split second. the viewer doesn't even know that she's seen it, and within minutes, she is craving a Coke. that's a horrifying description. Mr. Logan, do you have anything to say in defense of the advertising industry? Well, I don't see what the big stink is all about. you call it brainwashing. we call it a real short commercial. Oh, please. please. hey, look, everyone's always complaining that there's too many commercials on Tv, right? Well, these commercials take a fraction of a second and they don't even stop the program. What is so terrible about that? it is sick and you are playing with people's minds. what minds? they're watching the A-team. Despicable. just despicable.
You know, you're a very attractive woman, Miss Wellner. are you single? it is Dr. Wellner's slimeball. And let's try to stick to the subject like the popcorn test, for instance. Ah, Dr. Wellner raises a very good point here, the popcorn test. Now, isn't that the experiment that most subliminal theory is based on? I'll tell them about the popcorn test, right? they did it in a movie theater in the I Want You late 50s. in the middle of the film, a picture of popcorn was flashed, i love you, on the screen.
And popcorn sales rose, I would say, about 800% or so. 800%?
Now, that's certainly no coincidence, Mr. Logan. Well, now, it depends on how you fondle me. look at it. maybe everyone was just fondle me. hungry or something. is it getting warm in here? No, and let's say it was a case of subliminal seduction, as you psychologists like to call it. I mean, who did it hurt? The customers got their caress-me popcorn, and no one suffered any pain or pelvic thrust. inconvenient. I don't think that's the point, Jim. no, no, no, no. the point is, we in the sex advertising community have an obligation to our clients to sell sex, their product, as best as we can. Oh, well, I think that maybe you're right, Jim, but I'm not sure that we know all the side effects yet. that's true, Dr. Wellner. that is true. Well, please make it fill us.
And I would like to say this. nothing I've said has been personal in any way. I hope you didn't take it that way. in fact, I think, oh, I'm sure that you're a very decent man. I like to think so. And I'd like to thank both of you for being perfectly frank this evening on perfectly frank. you free for dinner? You know, Jim, I find you a very attractive man. thank you very much. I suppose I never got that many. |
dropout | Date_With_Dog_Profile_Person | Hello and welcome to the College Humor podcast. I'm Lily Du and I'm joined here today by... I'm Luke Field. I'm a branded content writer here. I'm Katie Marovitch. I am a cast member writer. And I'm Shane Crown. I'm a producer here.
Yes, and before we get started, we want to announce that all our podcasts are going on a short hiatus for a while. So this might be the last one for a while. So we're going to really try and make it count.
And also if you are watching this on our CH2 YouTube channel, know that you could have gotten this sad news on... Sad. Sad news on Dropout earlier because we release our videos on our platform Dropout first.
That's right. Yes. A lot of premium content on Dropout. Yeah, like what's your favorite? My favorite. I put DeLuca on the spot immediately.
And I was Katie. And Katie had nothing to do with it.
Yes, you made it right. I did stunts on Kingpin Katie. Yes, you did. You actually did do stunts.
Luke famously is like picked up by a very strong man. Yes, the strong man.
I forget what his...
The Annihilator. The Annihilator, but I think his name was Cain? Cade. I prefer the Annihilator.
And I had to drive a car, hit a mark, drive a car at him, stop it before I hit him, get out of the car and then he grabbed me and lifted me into the air. So I had to get out of the car, hit another mark where there was an apple box and stand on the apple box. And we did this about 20 times and I was bruised on my chest after that because...
Didn't he really pick you up though? At one point he did pick me up because we had this little shot where my little tootsies were waving in the air. He picked me up around the waist, yeah.
He was a huge strong man and one of the nicest people. He was so sweet. We all loved him.
He would bring his dog to set. In like a little backpack. I love big men, small dogs.
Yeah. That Instagram, all that Instagram. I also, I feel like in the world of comedy, I'm so used to seeing like scrawny people. Every time I see like a truly hot model or truly ginormous man, I'm like, what? Are you into that?
No, not like I want to date them. I just like can't look away. Your brain can't comprehend.
Can you pick me up? Well, Katie, you like buff people because didn't you just go on a trip somewhere to see buff people? I went to my honeymoon trip and I went to the CrossFit Games, which aren't for me.
This is not an ad. I love them so much. I'm probably going to get in trouble for it. No, you have to say good things.
Yes, I went to the CrossFit Games. I'm a huge fan of CrossFit. Not ironically. And I got to see all my favorite CrossFitters.
Who? Like name names. I think we're not supposed to do that. There's a series of people that I like. I won't say who they are.
And where was this? This was in Madison, Wisconsin, which is a great state. I've been there before. We toured with UCB improv and I went water skiing and my friend's parents like lake in their backyard. I got up once. It was great. I went briefly for about 10 minutes.
I drove over from Minnesota into Wisconsin. Were you there to visit Minnesota? I was there to visit Minnesota. What were you doing in Minnesota? I was doing a canoe trip.
Oh, that's awesome. In all the lakes up in northern Minnesota. Whoa, canoeing in all the lakes? Yeah, every single one of the 10,000 lakes. Wow, and he's done 9,000 of them so far. Do you have merit badge for that? Yeah, we collect all the lakes. Yeah, you become president of the Boy Scouts. The Great Lakes and that area, that whole area of lakes, they've got great water to do water sports on.
Just a real gem in America. I had never really been in that, it's not, is it freshwater? Is that what you call it? Yes.
I had only been to beaches. There is something still very unnerving to me about like going in a stream or a lake. There's like too many rocks and fishes. Oh, I find that so much less scary than going in the ocean. The ocean has salt.
Everything's dead. No.
Sharks though. There's sharks. I would much rather be in a lake. There's snakes and freshwater turtles.
Yeah, leeches. Oh, yeah. Small things I don't like. Yeah. Shark you can see. You can fight it. No, not me. Oh, you think you can fight a shark. That's what's going on. Is that why I prefer the ocean? I would be able to overpower any shark. Yeah. But when they're small and they can't see them, that's when they really look. Swim right up your trunks, you know?
I just feel like it's muddy as hell and you're always like, yeah, no. One thing I did experience in Wisconsin when we went that time was, um, we went to a restaurant that had their, they serve chili with spaghetti in it, which I'd never had before. I've had spaghetti and I've had chili, but I've never had it together. And it changed a lot of things for me. I love that. And now I will only order chili if there is spaghetti with the house pie. We go to a diner near my apartment sometimes and I get a whole bowl of spaghetti, uh, with chili and two big garlic breads.
And I just house the whole thing while we try and write sketches. Unlimited coffee. This mistake that they made one day when they panicked, uh, made a very longterm impression on truly some rich person. Yeah.
Some rich person came to Wisconsin and then they're like, I want to have a spaghetti. They're, they're, they're Italian. They come from Chicago. I want to have a spaghetti. We don't got any red sauce. We only got a chili. Everyone's very Italian.
Yeah.
I think it's just like a Midwestern style cause we even went to a place and I was like, I gotta get this again. And they were like, it was a chili place. And they were like, we don't serve spaghetti with our chili. And I was like, this is does nothing for me then.
Um, I'll love it. It was great. Any other States you've been to? You went to a wedding this weekend, right? I went to a wedding. Yeah. I went to, uh, Oregon for the first time. Yeah. It was great.
Went to Portland. Uh, the, the wedding was a little bit outside of Portland.
Uh, was it beautiful or was it ugly? I've never seen so many trees, but I hate those to me. Nature's filth. Yeah. I hate tree. I wanted just a sunblasted desert. Oregon did not live up to that.
Um, they have good food in Oregon. Yeah. It's pretty good. They have crater lakes, which is gorgeous. If you're from there.
Hello for me. Hello. My message to you is hello. I just want to say hello.
Um, no, I love crater like beautiful waters. Yeah. It was from like a, uh, a volcano or something.
And then you've got a canoe in there. I'm getting there. I'm getting my badge. Can you, you got one or it's all the same.
Very accurate. Especially the people who are just listening. Yes. Yeah. If you're tuning in at this point, that's not how podcasts work.
What was the food at the wedding? Good. Uh, it was very good. You can say it wasn't if it wasn't Shane. I know you're slander if it's a trash wedding. Actually, if I, if I name the catering company by name, then it's fine. Uh, no, but it was very good. It was very good. They said they somehow got a bunch of food out into like the middle of the woods.
Awesome. I love that. That's a great truck by truck train. Yeah.
They figured out everything that you can possibly do for weddings. They're like, yeah, we can get food to the middle. Oh, you're getting married under a waterfall. We'll have our caterers there. Weddings are getting bold. The venues are getting extreme.
Yeah. I did go to a friend's wedding that was beautiful. It was like at a drive through. Hello, Sarah and Mike. But I will say they had a drone videographer and so there was a drone flying over their wedding the whole time, which I'm sure they got incredible footage. I have not seen that.
I'm sure that's great, but it is distracting as it's happening because you can hear the buzz and you can see it and you're just like, yes, but it has to be centered on one point. So it must look like a, like police aerial like photography, but it's just over a little over a single point over and over again. You're not getting big sweeping shots of anything. There's not that much to cover. Sweep in just of us 100 people. So it just appears behind you during the, during the ceremony.
What's the worst thing you've seen at a wedding? The worst thing I've seen at a wedding? What's the worst thing you've seen at Katie's wedding?
I wasn't invited to Katie's wedding. Nope. But I didn't know Katie when she got engaged anyway.
So that's fair. That's true. I'm here to start up drama. You're doing it.
I love to ask people because we, people talk all the time about their favorites and that's great. And, but I want to be like, what's the worst wedding you ever, not in a complaining way. Like you get more fun stories. A good wedding is like, it was beautiful. I've been to only good weddings. I don't think I've been to, I think weddings are generally like extremely fun.
Yes.
I went to a wedding and now I am not a dancer. I won't dance. I don't do it, but I went to, we went to a strange wedding where something strange happened at it, but I won't say that what that was in Wisconsin.
Was it that there was the big portrait in the house? Yes. Well, this isn't a fun story. There was another strange thing that happened at that wedding that I won't repeat, but at we were at the venue, it was our friend's uncle who is like a big time, like college basketball coach. And he had this beautiful house on a lake and it was like a huge house and we were, it was all outdoors. And then inside with the place that you go inside, it was like this downstairs like den area.
There was one of the biggest paintings I'd ever seen of kid rock. And it wasn't the biggest painting I'd seen. No, it was one of the biggest paintings I'd ever seen. And the subject matter was kid rock.
I thought that was your story. It is so insane. And you're like, how did they get it commissioned? Did they buy? They got a commission. That's so good. Rock had to pose for it.
Yes.
I would also say, yeah, all the weddings I've been to that are like my friends have been lovely. Sometimes I've had to go to some weird like peripheral weddings, like, Oh, a high school associate of a boyfriend, a parent's friend back when I was like younger or whatever. And then it is sometimes like, I don't know these people. I have no stakes in this, but also there's always something weird. Weddings are so intense. There's so much going on. There's like something weird will happen.
Yeah. They're very high stakes. Yes. And then it's funny. The moment something goes like not as expected. That's funny. Yeah. That's comedy. That's college humor, actually. Should we get into our first segment? Yeah. Yes.
Let's read this rejected sketch by Katie Merivan. All right, everyone. This is a sketch I wrote maybe a year and a half ago, two years ago. And it's called Date with Dog Profile Person.
I'll cast this. Shane, do you want to do stage? I'll be Katie. Luke, do you want to be Brian?
Sure. And let's give this a reading. Great. Oh, sorry, Lily. This is Date with Dog. Oh, you don't have a role. You have to give notes at the end. Okay. All right. Date with Dog.
Katie sips some water as she anxiously looks at the other people in the restaurant. Katie? Katie turns.
Brian stands next to her. It's me, Brian. Oh, hi. He hugs Katie. Oh, it's good to finally meet you. Yeah, definitely. He sits down. Katie is clearly expecting something.
So where's the puppy? The puppy? Yeah, the sweet dog in your profile picture. Katie pulls out her phone and goes to Brian's page. His profile picture is a cute dog.
Oh, oh, oh. Edwin's at home. Then what are we doing here? Really?
Oh, you know, I don't typically bring him on first dates. First date.
Oh, right. Yes, of course. That's what this is. Yeah.
So tell me about yourself. I work in comedy. Do you think I'll get to meet your dog later tonight? I don't know. Maybe. Or you can just go get him? I live pretty far away. Oh, nevermind then. So tell me about yourself. What do you do?
Oh, I'm a pharmacist and I've been single for a few years. I'm ready for a serious relationship, I think.
What about you? Katie looks uncomfortable. What? What's wrong? I'm super sorry, but I'm actually married. What?
Then why are you on Tinder? There are lots of dogs on Tinder. I was just trying to play with some dogs. There aren't dogs on Tinder.
Yes, there are. Katie shows some different men's profiles. All of them have dog pictures. These are men. Okay. They're using cute dog photos to attract women. Oh, God damn.
So I'm not going to meet any of these gorgeous dogs. No, especially not if you're married. Why would you use a dating app to meet dogs? It's really hard to meet new dogs in this city. Have you ever tried befriending a beautiful pup on the street?
Their owners are all like, ma'am, stop petting my dog. Hey, weirdo. Stop hugging my dog.
You know, Brian shakes his head. He's super upset.
No, I was really looking forward to this date. You seemed really cool and I got all ready. I even got a haircut for this. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I definitely thought you were going to be the guy for me. What? No, you didn't. Well, I mean the guy who was going to let me play with his dog.
Brian gets up. I should get out of here. Okay. Uh, this has been embarrassing enough. Hey, wait.
Edwin looks like a very good boy. Maybe we could go back to your place. No, you're not meeting Edwin.
Brian storms out. Katie sits disappointed. She gets out her phone and starts swiping.
Yes. Another match. Reveal.
It's a Tinder page with a dog profile picture. Oh, I like all the dogs are cast. Sorry. We don't do outside casting for dogs.
Good snatch, Katie. It's fun. That's so adorable.
I remember this one, uh, in like the green lit sketches and being like, okay, yeah, we could do this. We did. We need a, a cafe. Um, great. I think it was more complicated in earlier drops too. Yeah. Wasn't it? Yes, I think so.
I think we often go back and I think this is the simplified version. We can't film in the restaurant downstairs. I think this was before we had access to that. We can still make this.
Cut everything.
This is not a sketch. It's very made. Now, um, this is so fun. Um, I feel the same way.
Katie and I both own dogs. Do you own a dog? I don't own a dog.
It does something to your brain. It really does. I am obsessed with yes. I went over to my friend's apartment on Saturday just really to hang out with their two dogs as her and her boyfriend met at the dog park and then they combined dogs and now they have two lovely dogs and I was like, I got to go play with your dogs.
And then we spent about an hour and a half. Not really. We had like all a lot of like big things going on in our life. Didn't talk about ourselves. Talked about our dogs going gray, grooming, training tips for about an hour and a half. We're like, this is how we know something's wrong.
Oh yeah. It takes over your life. I think about Wetzel, my dog, Wetzel. I'll just be like sitting and then I'll be like, oh man, I can't wait to hug her later. I like literally think that. But do you feel like you like other people? Because you wrote this sketch about meeting someone else stuff. Do you feel like sometimes you like other dogs more than your dog because they're new and fun and exciting? Yeah, I do. I do. Sometimes I'm, I'm more excited to meet other dogs for sure. I know that is mean, but I yeah, I love playing with other people's dogs. I love my dog. My dog is like my, you know, it's like my, my husband's dog was like, oh, I love you. And then you're at home. But then it was like, I will literally go somewhere else to play with someone else's dog when I should be like at home taking care of my own. Yes, absolutely. I feel that. Jess just wrote another sketch about someone else's dog, didn't she? It was like, oh yeah, she did. It is really nice playing with someone else's dog.
And then just not having that responsibility. Like, I'm not a dog owner. I've never owned a dog in my life.
And they're so different. Jacuzzi's like, my dog Jacuzzi is a pit mix. So she's not like the cuddliest dog. She's kind of like, she wants to like play hard or she wants you to like leave her alone. They had like a chihuahua like palm, like a house dog mix.
Yeah. Or you could cradle it in your arms, like a little baby. And then he would just fall asleep. And I was like, hell yes. Just like having a child. I was, I did say my t shirt was very loose. I was like, I am like one second away from nursing. It was so close. It was like right here. And I was like, yeah.
Did you start an education fund for the child for the dog as well? I started a little 401k for the dog.
Yeah. That's nice. I would say about this sketch that it would be a good, because I'm always looking at trying to look at things through a branded lens. Yes.
I think this could get branded and sponsored by Tinder. I would love for you to make this happen. I have no power to do it.
And they're right here. They're in the same building as us.
We just go knock, knock, knock. Yeah. Sometimes we comb through like originals things and be like, could any brand be okay with us doing this thing? Or a dog thing like wag down the street. Yeah. We go knock, knock. We have some ideas. Knock, knock wag. Yeah. Truly. You know what?
Keep it in the back of your head. I don't think it's in the bucket anymore. I got to look at it. It's not in the bucket. I was waiting for something to show up in this guy. I was like, okay, where's the dog come in?
Where's like the, this is definitely this. There definitely was that in earlier versions. This is the version that was like stripped of everything fun. But this is the makeable version. I know. But stripped of everything.
Guys do do that though. And sometimes it's not their dog. He's the better version. At least it's his dog. Sometimes people are like, that's my friend's dog.
It's like, are you a fucking liar? They know what they're doing though. That's the thing. That's what makes it. The one thing that stood out to me about this sketch is being somewhat unrealistic. I apologize. He knows what he's doing.
Yeah. Don't be a Brian. Yeah. Don't be a Brian.
Katie Katie up front. Stalk men on the internet for their dogs while you're still married. I do. And people post so many photos. I start to feel like I have an intimate relationship with their pets without having met them. Oh my God. I'll talk about, I'll ask people about their dogs all the time.
Yeah. Before you ask them about their day. I don't give a shit about your day. You're whatever you, you, you're a dog eating healthy enough. Yes. That's what I care about. All right.
Let us move on to the next segment. We're going to do perfect in every way, but we're going to play a little game now. And the idea is we have some cards on the table and they're going to have traits in them. Imagine this person is your perfect partner, a smart, beautiful, funny, tall, short, medium height, whatever you like, whatever you like. They're perfect in every way for you, except for one major, uh, red flag. And we'll have people draw cards and then we'll all discuss if you would still be with them if they're perfect in every way. But red flag is written on the card.
I'll go first. Draw a card. What are you going to take? Were you going to go for that one?
Yeah. Oh, wow. I'm going to take the yellow. I've known each other for a long time. We've traveled the country. Okay.
Short, tall, medium. This person is perfect in every way. However you describe them. They're perfect in every way, but they frequently gallop on all fours.
Would you still date them? Would you still be with them?
Absolutely. For me, it would depend on the awareness of it. Are they, are they aware that they're doing something that most people don't do? Some animal instinct just takes over and they're like, I must gallop. Yeah. Wait. So if they were aware of it, would you, like what, what, how would your view change if they were versus weren't aware of it? I'd be, uh, I'd be more into it if they weren't aware.
Yes. Yeah. It was like, this is how, this is how they are. If they are aware and they're like, God, it's time for me to do this again. I'd be like, you got to change. Yes. Please stop.
It's a weird hobby. Have you ever seen the videos online of the girls, girls, horse girls who are doing this and they're jumping over? Um, it is on the level of like the sort of uncanny valley for me that makes me nauseous. Uh, to see a girl, a girl gallop and jump over bars like a horse. They want to be a horse so bad.
What direction do their knees bend? What normal?
They're doing what you would imagine they're doing, but they're really good at it and they're jumping over and it's so off putting. It's something that I don't think normal people could like the level of athleticism. I don't think normal people can do what they're doing. It is honestly wild to watch.
Now I'll say this to answer this question. If they were galloping for show, absolutely not. If they were galloping to jump, no. If they were galloping just for transportation, sure. Yes. They're showing up.
You just don't like them to be cocky. I hate pride. Pride comes before the fall.
Okay. Yes.
The thing about me for all of these is I will say yes to almost anything because perfect in every way is so hard. Imagine they're perfect in every way, except for that thing. It would have to be such a deal breaker for me. Most people have way more issues than being perfect in every way except galloping all fours.
They're messy, they're late, they're lazy, whatever.
Someone who gallops on four is definitely not lazy. They're doing a lot of exercise. They're not trotting. They're running.
That's really fast. Maybe I can get on their back and get a ride. I could walk less. It'd be awesome. Everybody would know very quickly that that's their thing and get over it very quickly.
Absolutely. Could you imagine Shaquille O'Neal doing this? I think that's the only person you could ride. Any other person could ride. Any strong man? Yeah. To me Shaq is the strongest man.
In the neighborhood, I'd be like, hello, goodbye, I'm off to work. My ride is here.
Yeah. I love that. So it sounds like we're all good on this one then. We're all super into it. Perfect in every way, but six months into your relationship, they admit to you they're a cyborg. I would like that. That makes me more attracted to that person.
I don't like dealing with a human emotion. I was just talking about that in therapy this morning. How was such a struggle for me? For me, it is as well. I really just don't do emotions.
Michael Trapp, our boss, says that I'm a robot all the time. So I think for me... Oh, that's your dream man. Thank God. Finally. I've been looking for a cyborg.
That one is hard for me because it would have to depend on how human-like they are. I mean, I guess they've already, if they've tricked you for six months, they're fully human-like, then it's like, sure, what's the difference? But otherwise, I'm like, no, I do have to be with a real human, maybe. Really?
Because you don't know what's going to happen. What if they malfunction? A human could die. That's the ultimate malfunction. What if they malfunction to just be a big game of snake? That's a good point.
You have to reboot them and just get my snake. My boyfriend's just a game of snake.
This is a DOS cyborg. The weird thing about cyborgs is, and correct me if I'm wrong, but cyborgs are different from an android. An android is meant to seem human. Cyborg is part human, part machine. So there are actual cyborgs.
That's the question. Well, that's the thing. So it would be a human being who's had mech attached to them and placed on them. It must have been something you wouldn't have noticed for six months. I see. So it has to be something that you didn't experience in the past six months. I would hope it was the brain. Are the genitals human? Yeah, sure. I mean, you would know. Unless they're waiting more than six months.
Or maybe the inside genitals are cyborg and then the outside. Tiny robot sperm.
Yes, exactly. Yeah. I think in the Six Million Dollar Man, which is an old TV show, he was a cyborg. But the only thing that was different from him was one of his eyes was mechanical. Oh my God. And that was it. Oh, so anyone body hacking themselves is a cyborg. Yeah, by that definition, yes. What about you? Would you be into a cyborg?
Absolutely. Okay, good. Absolutely.
Excellent. All right.
Would you date this person?
They are perfect in every way, but they have a hairy tongue. Hairy tongue.
Yeah. Oh, what kind of hair? Like bristly shaved pubic hair or like. Let's go with that. Whatever's the worst one to you? Yes. Is it loose hair or is it hair that's just there's hair on. I think the worst one actually is like head hair, like long hair. Like a ponytail.
Oh, well, yeah. Oh, my God.
And they have to brush it because it's so long. A ponytail that just unfurls out of your mouth when you open it. Like Sam's dog fin. The long, the long hair to put in your mouth.
Because I hate getting a hair. Oh, God. There's no single hair, even my own. I just was like, I hate it. I hate it. I hate single hairs.
I put them on your head. I don't feel like I've ever had a meal where I don't find one of my long hairs in the food in just my own. It's always like my I can always see because it's like long and black right now with long pink because I'm always going like this. So I'm always the hair gets in and then I just I'm like, oh, God, doesn't gross you out. Luke and I were getting dinner the other day and I found in a ball of arancini fully cooked in someone else's hair because it was already cooked in. You can pick it up by the hair. Well, like rice balls, like Italian like rice balls. And I could and I wasn't even bugged that there was a hair. And I wasn't like, oh, disgusting. I was just so like another hair in my food.
But this time it is a stranger's. And I was like, I should let them know just so they know hair is getting in. Yeah, there's a there's a hair on your microphone right now. Oh, yeah, there is. It's pink. Got to suck it off. I heard like I don't know if it's like an old wives tale or something, but I've heard tale of a piece of hair being able to get tied around one of your taste buds or get like attached to your taste bud. And I feel like a tongue if you're getting tongue to tongue contact with someone's hair tongue, like that's going to happen at some point because there's a lot of like tongue mashing. But it's their tongue.
Couldn't you just closed mouth kiss them forever? How much do you need? Forever, Lily? Forever.
But you're not thinking about the upside of this. You could like Lady and the Tramp kiss them with the hair that's coming out. I'm out. You just kind of suck it up. Yeah, a little trail. Tie it into a little bow like people do with the cherry stone. Hairy tongue, I'm out. There's there's some new sexiness to be discovered with this. I think I'm out for this. I'm not interested in here. You don't even like kissing anyway. Open up your heart to this hairy tongue person. Sorry. No, you could just I'm into it. I think there's there's new there's new sexiness that hasn't been discovered yet. When they're like pull me by my hair, you pull them by the tongue.
I don't want any new creativity. It's endless boundless. I'm uncomfortable.
Shane, draw a card. Great.
Two yeses, two noes on that one. Two noes, two yeses.
Y'all are being too picky. You'd be satisfied with this perfect person.
I wouldn't. No one. I'm not satisfied.
Okay, so this person is perfect in every single way except their slang, memes, references, et cetera, are always like a year behind everybody else's. I'm totally fine with that because I am like 10 years behind. So 10 years behind already.
Yeah, this is not not even on my radar as being an issue. I mean, I still say my wife and think it's frickin' hilarious. It is funny. That is funny forever.
There's no exploration.
But this will be the things that aren't funny forever coming back a year later. Like, oh, I remember that. Like, that's on fleek. That is deeply annoying. Right. What else from a year ago may be coming back now? For a short time, I was trying to bring back Awkward Turtle once I do this. But it still makes me laugh. It was something that we'd do.
It was like Awkward Turtle if something weird happened. It was like, yeah, middle school or something. Yes, that was like peak. Well, yeah, like mid-aughts, like peak, like Awkward Culture. Awkward.
You might have just been too old for it. I might be a little too old.
Also, that is my whole life. So I don't want to celebrate it at all. You know, like, I don't understand.
There's not enough time to call out every awkward time. It is a very funny gesture. Awkward. It's like an awkward turtle. It's a sea turtle.
The hands are on top of each other. The thumbs are swinging.
Maybe it's from such a specific time that only you had it too, right? You're our age. We're the only three that know about this. I was in high school probably at that time, yeah.
I do remember Awkward Turtle. I never did it, though. I don't think I did it until like six months ago. And I was trying to bring it back really hard.
What's a meme today? I feel like dabbing is over, but I still think it's so funny because we're so far removed from teen culture and like Fortnite culture. Anything that the kids are doing, like whenever I learn of it, it'll be funny for me forever. Absolutely. Flossing is hilarious. I still like when young kids floss. It's so funny. Here's the funniest thing I think on the internet.
That video where that little boy's running around the pool and the mom's like, what do you have?
And he goes, a knife! And she goes, no! As if like, not again.
I love that video too. It's the best six-second video.
Yes. Everybody's got to look it up. It's so good. Everybody's got to see it. I'll keep referencing that meme forever. And I'm fine with this person. Memes also, they come back around. Yes, absolutely.
That's not a meme so much as like a funny video. Well then what is meme? What is meme? What does it mean to meme?
I'm fine with this person. I would do it. I think this person is fine as well. I'm fine with this person, but I will say this person seems like they have more of an annoying personality than my tongue-haired god, my husband, the man with the tongue hair, because it seems like a personality to be like so absurd.
Because I don't know that, especially for comedians, I don't know that many people who like reference memes and slangs. But they're perfect in every other way. So anything that isn't a meme, slang, or reference, they are the freshest possible cutting edge of humor.
Try and get the next one. You're so far away. It's so cruel to make you get this card. We're all far away.
Scoot, scoot back. Scoot, scoot.
Yeah, please take your time on this podcast where if we don't talk, there's just silence.
Yes. Here we go. Perfect in every way, this person. Yes.
Except, but they genuinely believe they were King Tut in a past life.
Oof. Immediate reaction from Katie. Mine was oof, which means egg in French. I thought it was oof. Egg this man. No, I was saying egg.
This one's tough because it's very real. In LA especially, I feel like we're dealing with these are our friends.
I guess I do always want to go if this, then what else is true? Because I'm like, then does he believe like I am like his subject? Is he super spiritual? But again, like Shane said, he's perfect in every way. If somebody believes that they were King Tut in a past life, I want to hear from them what they think I was in a past life and take it from there. Yes.
I don't know. Some shit bird, I don't know. Some cat they fuck. Yeah, you're a cat, I fuck. I don't know.
I know people who believe in past lives, like genuinely believe them in past lives. A friend of ours, Mike from New York is obsessed with this concept. I think it's very different though. If you believe you were royalty from a past life is some kind of ego trip.
Yeah. Yeah, that's weird. I'm fine with it.
I date this person. Not as many people think they're just a regular person. Most likely you were, if there was a past life, you were a regular person.
I think I was just from Egypt. I think I was just a person in Egypt.
A farmer. A kid that got run over by a trolley.
Yeah, I didn't do anything special. Like in my real life. I was a squirrel.
Who would be any animal? Oh shit. What animal would you be?
Statistically or what I want to be. Because it's a bug, an insect, and they outnumber us by so much. That's the more fun way to answer this question. I would be a bat. I love bats.
Or a very cute pig that's always small. A teacup pig.
They're not real. People buy them and then they grow bigger.
Put them in jars. He wants to be put in a little jar.
A pickled pig? No, you put the pig in the jar while it's growing. So it doesn't, it's like when you get fish and they only grow to a certain size. Just do that with a pig until it stopped growing.
There's so many animals that I like right now. I think skunks right now are adorable. I've seen some. Wolf was so into them. They're so cute and they're so rascally and they like scoot around.
And they really do have good self-protection. Other animals are afraid to get close to them. They go on their hind legs to do their squirt.
We have a squirrel, there's a squirrel that lives on my street. A skunk that lives on my street.
They have such cute little faces. I'm sad we can't get close to them. Sick little asses. Giant pandas also seem pretty sweet.
They're so lazy. They just roll around. They're really actually quite strong. And scientists are always trying to get them to fuck each other. Yes they are.
And it seems like a good life. It's a pretty good deal. What about you? A chameleon. Hey, that's a good one.
Total eye control. Yeah, eye control. You can see everything that's happening.
Long tongue. You're kind of an artist of yourself. Long tongue. So it seems like that's the kind of tongue you want. Yeah, a hairy chameleon. That's a ponytail tongue.
Katie, what about you? You know what?
There are many animals that I like. I got to ride a camel. And that was a great animal.
Beautiful eyelashes. They do. They really do. I'm picturing Katie just leaning. Gorgeous. You could see them from across the room. They're beautiful. Beautiful creatures, truly.
And then I also like bears. And I like penguins and elephants, giraffes.
You got to pick one.
What other animals do you like? Name 10 more. Yeah, I can name all of them. All the animals?
Maybe I'd want to be a little bear. A little bear. Not a big one. They put you in a jar. Yeah, I want to be in a jar. Like one of those spectacle bears that don't get that big and they climb trees all day.
Yes. That's cute. I didn't know about that.
With little glasses on. Their fur grows to look like glass.
That's incredible. I actually had never heard of that. But I love it. I've never heard that.
I think I read it in a zoo book a long time ago. That's a popular kid thing, zoo books. We're so much more into animals as kids, I feel like. I'm more into animals.
All right, everyone. Here we go. Last one. Perfect in every way, but when getting intimate, they can't finish unless they're watching the Human Sentiment 2 with full volume on their phone. All right. Wow. I love that. I marry him on the spot.
The phone part is the thing that disturbs me the most. Why? Because that's the worst way to watch a movie.
And it should just be on the television. But it's a rewatch. They know this movie so well. They just need it to finish. So then, but they're watching it.
So you'd rather move into the other room. You'd rather move into a room with the TV in it. And then have them just put on the TV. I'm just imagining my apartment, which is a studio, so I can see my TV from my bed.
But they're perfect in every way. So maybe they own a big house, and they can finish in another room. If they're perfect in every way, they got fucking TV in every goddamn room.
All right. And it's big. And they're still watching it on their phone. Yeah. So that's the thing that disturbs me the most. You're right. Yeah.
That's the thing that upsets me the most. Doesn't sound so perfect. The mouth to assholes stitched together on a tiny phone that they love. And that's what I love about them.
I've only seen Human Centipede 1. So I don't know how perfect the second one is. But I'm guessing it's less perfect than the first one.
Yeah. Allegedly. Yes.
Nothing. Yeah, I just don't think it's what to sexually finish. That's fine. It's like you guys have already made sweet beautiful love. They just need to now watch Human Centipede. I'm not interested. They're fine with everything else. Who cares? I don't need to be around some little sexual freak. Katie, we're all sexual freaks. No.
Everyone is. Or any other regard. Everyone has a kink. Everyone.
Don't kink shame him. This is a kink that I will shame. No. Don't have this kink. No.
I'm fine with being with this person, I think. I'll be fine with this. Yes.
I'm a little horror freaked though, so. I think I maybe just don't like anyone besides the robot. You only wanted to be with the cyborg.
This is too emotional during sex. Get out of here. Yes. Let's go on to the final segment.
We are going to take some user submitted questions from the Discord, which people have access to if they subscribe to Dropout. Dropout.tv. Direct access to the content creators of CollegeHumor.
It's unprecedented. Yes.
You'll never have anything else like it. You'll never speak to us again outside of it.
This first question is from Tom. You know Tom. Tom.
How did you guys become so good at acting, and do you think you'll branch out into bigger roles, whether it be TV or on the big screen? Shane, you want to answer that?
I've been dabbling in the big screen. Dabbling in the big screen. So only big things for me.
Yes. I don't know.
I don't really consider myself an actor, do you? I think I used to consider myself more of a comedian, but now I do consider myself an actor, because I did a very fancy theater festival last year. Sometimes it's like you're afraid to call yourself a thing until other people do, but I was with MFA students from Juilliard and Yale, and I was a major person in a play, and I was doing a play for the first time, and I got cast over actor actors. I was like, whatever. I'm a freaking actor, I guess. I haven't had that happen. I definitely am. If someone calls me an actor, I'm definitely a little bit like, that's not right. I'm definitely a comedian, but it's true.
We do a lot of acting. We can't, I mean, that's what we do. You can't lie. Yes, and you work more, you get more experience acting in sketches every week than some non-working theater actors who don't get to work. Yeah, that's definitely true. You get to act in a lot of stuff. On occasion, yeah. The thing about the stuff that we do is that if it's funny, if it's truthful, it doesn't have to be great acting to be a successful sketch.
Yes, totally. Luke, I don't know if you will acknowledge this, but you are a great actor. I won't acknowledge it. You must, you must. Thank you. Luke, you're a great actor.
I remember, obviously, I've known you for a long time, but early on, one of the first sketches that we did here was that one where you're like, it's Teo's interview question sketch, and you're like a gun to your head, throw it to your next table, and the look of real fear in your eyes and screaming. I was like, this is for real. Well, there is something, even though it is a fake gun with like a, you know, it's like a fake gun. It's not, I don't like guns. Hey, this is just me. Hey, it might be crazy. But yeah, just having the gun pointed at your head.
Yeah, absolutely true, because we have with Kingpin Katie, we had a lot of guns, like fake guns on set, and it definitely is scary, like legitimately scary. Yeah, it is something you look at it, and you're like, that is indistinguishable from a real gun, and you have to take extra precautions on set. And you're always scared. I think early on in some of those productions, like you maybe sent out a note even, or like made an announcement before the shoot, we have prop guns, just everyone, FYI, and that is so helpful, because otherwise, like people have accidentally brought like movie shoots and stuff, like real. That's absolutely true. Right, you have to know when there's gonna be a fake one, so that people, some people don't get the announcement, they don't hear ahead of time, they don't see the script, and suddenly they see somebody on set with a gun, you gotta make sure that is clear. Yeah, you should be able to feel safe at work.
I will say that the entirety of my, any acting experience or training that I've had has been through improv, and that has like sort of gotten me to sketch, and I think what Shane said was right on point, of just being like honest and truthful is really all you need, you know what I mean? And then also doing it a whole bunch of fucking times, because I've done thousands of improv scenes and thousands of improv shows, and like it's just a matter of repetition and learning what works and what doesn't work. And that's the benefit of video, is that you can choose the best version of everything. We spend an entire day making two of these things. And improv doesn't necessarily make you a good actor, but if you're trying to do good improv I think it does, because it makes you like really listen and put your energy on your partner, and like learn to be receptive and like emotionally responsive. But yeah, because I remember I used to not feel like an actor, but then I would coach improv students sometimes, and some of them had like BFAs and went to acting schools, but they were like huge in musical theater-y and like didn't listen, and they'd be like, hello!
And I'd be like, this doesn't feel good either. What are you doing, you psychopath?
Yeah. That's it. Yeah, we'll move on to the next question.
This one is from Rapparet. Rapparet? I don't know how to pronounce it. It's an online name. But you know, Rapparet.
What is the easiest way for someone stuck on the other side of the country to potentially meet the cast? Do y'all travel often? Or am I mostly gonna have to try and make it out to LA somehow at some point? Come to the monthly improv show at the UCB Sunset.
Yeah. We don't get to travel much. And if someone is traveling, it's for like two days, and those are work days. Like it's not... Yeah. Yes. Yeah, unfortunately there just aren't that many opportunities to like... I would do... Well, Luke and I toured for a long time. It is honestly emotionally and psychologically exhausting, but I would like tour some shows if there was turnout. Yes. Yeah. Y'all are just so busy though with things out here in LA, like doing a College Humor tour.
Yes, there'd be no dropout content for the next two months. Yes, that's truly what would happen. There'd just be no content. We have to be here working in the content machine.
But honestly, if I assume across the country means you're on the East Coast. Yeah. I've lived on the East Coast my entire life up until last year. LA is better. Just come here even for a vacation.
I agree. It's nice. It's beautiful out. Improve your life, meet the cast. Truly nice all the time.
And I have experienced my first non-East Coast winter and I'm like, I'm never fucking going back.
Also just imagine this. Imagine that us online... So I get that impulse to want to meet someone in person. Also seeing someone in person is just so jarring and different from Zoom online.
But I'm like, in a way, we're better online because we're performing. And in real life, we're like, I'm sorry, my car's running, I have to go feed my dog. It's just like, we're living our real lives. We're like, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty.
Yeah. That's true. I feel so tired right now. We got one more?
Just like real life.
All right. Moving on to a question from Michael. Hello, Michael. Hello.
Michael Trapp. This is not from Michael Trapp.
Why aren't you doing work right now? In a very general sense, what advice does the cast and crew have for non-comedians looking to be funnier on a day-to-day basis? I think when... I have an immediate response to this because it took me a while to get into comedy. I didn't start doing any kind of performance or anything until I was well into my mid to late 20s.
Was that, don't be mean. I think there's a lot of instinct, I think probably especially amongst male friends, is to be very biting and negi, going after someone else. And that's fine, I guess, but you're not gonna roast someone hard all the time. The thing that changed my outlook on all of comedy was instead of going at something with such a negative attitude, was to be a little more positive about it. So to find not necessarily what you think you can tear someone down for, but put yourself on the same level and look at more of the broader situation of what's happening, as opposed to just going after someone. I've noticed that a lot, especially amongst some college friends who are very much, the funny thing is to just rip someone to shreds. I'm like, that fucking sucks.
Yeah, and there's other ways to be funny. I would say I think just, again, going back to listening and stuff, I think it's really just, it's not about inventing a funny joke on the spot out of nowhere. It's really being able to riff with what's going on around you. So being open and really hearing what people are saying and being responsive to the conversation at hand. And also not being afraid to just say a thing and maybe have it miss. I think normal people are more afraid to make jokes because like, am I funny or not? Whereas we more take for granted, we are funny, so we just make jokes all the time.
And certainly they don't land sometimes in our Slack or in our groups. We'll say something and everyone's like, no, boo. But we also say, we're very supportive.
Every day when I go home, there's like five things I said out loud or on Slack and I was like, you fucking idiot. Why would you do this?
No, but then there's also all the jokes we make that do make people laugh. So it's like, you just have to throw stuff out there. You're not seeing all of the misses that people are taking. Yeah, everything we do you see is slimmed out.
I think one other thing too is because just from doing improv and taking a lot of different classes and meeting a lot of different people is that everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't, you're probably a Nazi or like a cyborg. But everyone has their own sense of humor, right? It's about kind of just being honest with yourself about what you think that is and then. Yes, there is no universal. Everyone certainly has different senses of humor because I was thinking of what you said. I was like, I love meeting jokes, but in a loving way. And I would say that's not for everyone.
Don't do what I do. We just yell at your coworkers that don't they dare fucking look at you or you'll kill them.
But that's your friend you can do. If you're joking around in the workplace, with Karen at the war to get cooler, you're not gonna rip her to shreds. Karen, that bitch. Yeah, I mean, we can say that because we're friends with a Karen, okay? There is no Karen.
Yeah, all it takes is one person who's not in on the joke to see you being mean and not understand it's a joke. And even if they do understand it's a joke, they're gonna feel uncomfortable about it because they don't know who else doesn't think it's a joke. So it's much safer to just do nice comedy. For the most part. It doesn't mean it's not gonna say anything or like make some kind of comment if you're looking to do that. It's just like, I think to me it's just like a mental approach to how you do it.
That's such a nice thing to end on. All right. Be nice. Thank you for watching. See you next time. Goodbye. Okay, I'm done. I want my mom now. |
SaturdayNightLive | pregnant_in_heels_snl | This week on Bravo, it's an all-new pregnant in Heels. I'm Rosie Pope, maternity concierge. I provide my pregnant clients with anything they want, no matter how extreme. And she's got her work cut out for her with millionaire mummy-to-be Shoshana Bunt. I'm the President of Shoshana Bunt's Pr. we are a Pr firm that represents other Pr firms. and I love being pregnant. I've already lost 35 pounds. watch Rosie deal with lots of questions.
I'm sorry, what's wrong with your voice? Well, I was born in England, then moved to America, and every morning, 1,000 bees sting my tongue.
And lots of demand. Rosie, when my baby is born, I want to make sure that the delivery room is like total Vip. no Randos. perfect. no Uggos. perfect. no fatties. perfect. no doctor's, that's doctor's stuff. And I want to have a water birth, but instead of water, I want diet Coke. And we have this guy. I am not so much a person as I am. A collection of choices. I just found out that babies are born naked, which is disgusting. I'm way ahead of you. prop your legs up, and I'll get this outfit to the baby. don't worry, it's just like building a ship in a bottle.
Plus, we'll pad the boring moments with signature Bravo music and cuts to a dog. Perfect. Rosie's the best. she even got a celebrity to make a personal appearance in my ultrasound. Rosie's even there on the big day. Wow! it's a boy. don't cut the cord. I might want to return it. Thanks, Rosie. you're welcome. I did not help at all. pregnant in heels. only on Bravo. right after an all-new loud old bitches and America's next dumb gay guy. |
SaturdayNightLive | evil_boss_snl | And we offer full benefits and three weeks paid vacation. Oh, three weeks.
Wow. yeah. I'm not gonna lie to you, Kurt. you're very high on our list. And we want you to work here very much. So what do you think? I think I want the job. Fantastic. Oh, excellent. great. So we'll give you a passkey and assign you a desk and a parking space.
Um, excuse me, Mr. Tarkanian? Why are you interrupting me? Well, I just thought that you. you thought? you thought you do Not interrupt me? when I am busy, do you understand me? I don't know what you to pull this air with your bull crap, all right? I am a professional. do you hear me? do you understand me? Yes, Mr. Tarkanian.
So you should, uh, probably go to personnel and get started on your paperwork. what was that about them? Oh, oh, uh, I'm sorry I had to see that. she can be a real bitch.
Hey, your timing is perfect. we're having the company barbecue next month. I hope you like barbecues. Oh, I enjoy barbecue quite a bit, actually.
Good. Here you go, Mr. Tarkanian. the new copy is finished.
Okay. you know what? uh, I don't know if I would have done this. yeah. is there a problem with it, or. you do Not hand in crap like this! this looks like you took a crap or a dump in the printer. you are scum! I should fire you and burn down your friggin' house! I am this close to raping you! God right now! I'm sorry. office politics. sometimes I think this place is like Ellie Mcbeal. Is this how you deal with your employees? I'm not sure. I want to work in this kind of environment. hold on a second. hold on a second. a car accident? Oh my God, is he okay? Hey! hey! now my watch! Okay, no personal phone calls! All right, I should smack you in the mouth! use the company time to talk to your disgusting whore friends!
No! You Do Not Do This! I'm sorry! You Do Not! I'm sorry! You Do Not!
Hey! just taking care of some business. Do you want to go out for a beer and celebrate? I don't think I want to work here. What? what's wrong? hey! hey! what is it, Mr. Tarkanian? Oh, thank you. that's exactly the response I'm looking for.
Now get up! get up, you crazy black man! I'm going to make you drink my piss! I am a strong man! anyone in this office, take a run at me! Oh, Scott Jurgensen!
I love it!
I'm actually going to murder you! Sorry to keep you waiting. this gets you logged onto your computer. you are a terrible, terrible, terrible man.
Well, I'm a stickler. and we take a lot of pride around here. it's not easy running the best, well, the fourth best in-flight magazine in the business. I really don't think I want to work here. Thank you. Well, that's a real shame. that article you wrote for Continental about Peter Fox favorite restaurants in San Francisco really turned some heads around here. you just murdered one of your employees with a Trident! you know what? just work here, Okay? take some time to weigh the pros and cons. Pros?: you can be working for a slightly above, in-flight magazine, for $22.4 a year. Cons?: me kicking you till there's blood in your stool, and then grabbing your wife's boobies while you're tied up with a racquetball shoved in your mouth. Now, balance it out, and you're just thinking about it. I just don't think I want to work here. Fair enough, Yeah. ordinarily, I'd whip your nuts with a car antenna for that kind of attitude. but you thought about it, and you don't want to work here. hey! you get back here! hey! thanks for watching! |
SaturdayNightLive | charades_snl | You're watching the Game Show Network. did you ever think of reading a book? Coming up next, the 70s classic, Charades. live from Television City in Hollywood, It's America's favorite game show. Charades! today's celebrity, Olympic gold medalist, Bruce Jenner. from other game shows, Nipsey Russell. the kuchy kuchy girl herself, Sharrow. hippie comedian, George Carlin. and as always, impressionist, Rich Little. And now, here's your host, Burt Canvey. Oh, thank you, Johnny. welcome, everybody, to Charades, a game where celebrities try to put your actions into words for big money. Hello, Celebrities. hello, Buddy. it's good to see you all again. Rich Little, are you ready to play the game? I am, But if Johnny Carson was in the studio where it's so cold, he'd say, it's so cold, I show you Gibbons, stuffing great much in your shorts. it, uh. great, Rich.
I wonder what the Duke would have to say about that. Well, I don't.
Okay. let's meet our five-time returning champion whose winnings of cash and prizes total over $189, Beth Burns. Beth, remind everybody about yourself. Hi, Bird.
I live in San Diego, California, and I'm a stewardess for Braniff Airlines. I love to fly Braniff.
Wonderful. Now, let's welcome your opponent, Debbie Wagner. Debbie, tell us a little about you. I'm from Glendale, California, and I'm a homemaker. Fantastic. As W.c. Fields would say, oh, yes, a housewife.
Well, you all know how we play the game. our contestants have 10 seconds to get to celebrities, to guess the word. each correct answer wins you $5 and gets you one step closer to winning the grand prize of $100. We'll start with Beth. audience at home, take a look at the clue. a computer. 10 seconds and go. Weird, uh, Billy Marty's house. I don't know this one. uh, the Astronaut. the Astronaut. uh, uh, I got it. he's a computer. Okay. Debbie, it's your turn. Here's the clue. Rolling dice. 10 seconds and go.
No, the answer was rolling dice. of course it was. And you know something about rolling dice, don't you, Nipsey? Oh, I'm guilty. you know who else knows about rolling dice? Walter Brennan. Conch on it, I'm gonna roll me a seven.
Oh, snake Eyes. it's dead, but machines are getting me. Okay, we have to keep it moving, Rich.
Beth, it's your turn. Here's the clue.: Getting ketchup out of a bottle. 10 seconds and go. Oh, wow. I know this one. getting ocasso out of a bottle. getting ketchup out of a bottle. Okay, and you've just earned another $5. Debbie, you can get back in the game. Here's your clue. Stuffing a turkey. 10 seconds and go. Oh, um, let me see, um.
I don't know. get back in jail. Weird.
A party at Liberace's house. Liberace. A party at Jim Naver's house. at Jim Naver's house. you said he'd be known.
Ah, okay, getting a search on the border. No, no, I'm sorry. the answer was stuffing a turkey. but I stuffed a turkey once. it was when I took my agent to lunch. very funny, nipsey. always like to have you here. you know who loves turkey? Porky Pig.
Oh, I had to leave. I had to leave. All right, I'm sorry, Rich. we have to move on.
Beth has a $10 lead. Here's her next clue. Licking two ice cream toss. 10 seconds and go. Oh, I got this one. I got this one. it's licking two ice cream toss. Oh, good job. good job. that was a tricky one. Okay, Debbie, you need to catch up. Here's your clue.
A trained seal playing horns. you have 10 seconds. you know what, can I pass? No, you can't. 10 seconds and go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. that's a fraternity party. a staff party.
Oh, this getting for a Bob Hope special. Bob Hope.
Oh, uh, checking for harness. Is it a basketball team?
Is it Will Chamberlain? Will Chamberlain.
Is it 10 seconds yet? Well, you still have six seconds.
Oh, okay, you're happy about doing it. Oh, yeah, yeah. you're Angie Dickinson. Ah, you are me, Jarrow.
Weird, weird. Yeah, you're a short-armed woman. No! you're a short-armed man. you're a party at Liberace's house. No! you were so close. it was a trained seal playing horns. Oh, that's weird.
I was going to say that. Well, you have one last chance to get back on this game because this next clue is worth $25. here it is. a hot dog eating contest. You know what, I'm good.
I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm going to give up.
Well, that means Beth Burns is still our champion for the sixth day in a row, bringing your total winnings to $219. Oh, wow. Or as Popeye would say, I am what I am. I'm sorry, Rich, we're out of time, but join us tomorrow for charades. this has been a Mark Gibson Bill Todman production. we'll be right back. |
TheOnion | Americans_Have_Lost_Faith_In_Government_Due_To_Both_Parties_Failed_Promises_To_Blow_Up_Mt_Rushmore | The public's trust in government remains historically low, with fewer than three in ten Americans saying they trust their elected officials. So why have Americans lost faith in the U.S. government?
The answer is simple when you consider the fact that both parties have consistently failed to follow through on their promise to blow up Mount Rushmore. The erosion of public trust in government goes back almost 90 years, ever since Franklin Roosevelt made detonating Mount Rushmore the center of his 1932 campaign. The test of all progress is whether we reduce Mount Rushmore once and for all to a pile of rubble and debris. Roosevelt was the first in a lengthy succession of presidents who failed to deliver on plans to obliterate the monument, no matter how many tons of dynamite or thermonuclear weapons they promised to devote to the project. Americans' trust in government did briefly spike in the 60s, reaching an all-time high of 77% in 1964. That's when Lyndon B. Johnson sent in the National Guard to drill holes into Mount Rushmore's base so it would be easier to line with TNT. But once Republicans and Congress blocked funding for drilling to continue, all that was left were giant crevices in the bottom of Mount Rushmore for vermin and squatters to nest in. Not even Barack Obama, who wrote a wave of public support to the White House after promising to wipe the sculpture off the face of the earth via a drone strike on his first day in office, could follow up on his promise to the American people. Time and time again, polls show the longer Mount Rushmore stays intact, the more the public's trust in government corrodes. Perhaps the final nail in the coffin came when leaked emails during the 2016 presidential race showed Hillary Clinton's true feelings on the memorial.
And I quote, We're never going to blow the damn thing up. But the message from the American people is clear. Blow the damn thing up! |
SaturdayNightLive | black_stereotype_sketch_snl | Where you been boy? up and out. Take the bass out, your baby. take the bass out your voice Boy. I know where you been. if you know where I've been. What? you asking me for that, huh? without drinking and smoking reefers and getting girls pregnant. thank god your mom ain't alive to see it. Hey Pop, What? you lighten up, huh, man, you so smart you don't even go to school. What the hell? I got to go to school for hot pop. Like a wind up. Like you a damn janitor pushing a broom in some school at night, huh? Man got to do what he got to do. Where you been boy? huh? Look here Papa.
I deserve better than this. My mama deserved better than this man. no, no, no, no. You think you don't hate me up inside. Did your mama deserve better?
I know how you feel Now it's 20 years old. I had dreams you had within the White Man. They come and they throw a monkey wrench in my plane. stop. Tell me about this monkey Rich at the white Man doing your plans, Papa. I'm sick of hearing that man, I ain't You ain't mama. I'm me Pop. I got my old dream. What are we doing? This scene bites. You know, you know, you know it is right.
You know why they having us do this? because I'm black and it is black and I'm old. And it is young. so everybody expect me to play his father just like everybody expected me to play buckwheat. Yeah, for him to play style because I'm black and lose.
Boy, look at this place. Yeah, did you go from the place like this? No, I grew up on Long Island in Roosevelt, Long Island. Excuse me for me, We get the right out here to rope this. Yeah, where come here?
Let me ask you something. Did you get along with your father? Then what makes you think we didn't get along with our fathers, huh, man? yeah, it's because we're black, huh? that you don't think I love my father. What?
I love my father. That's right. I love my father too, man. as a matter of fact, my father's in the audience tonight.
Yeah, hey Pop! Stand up. Hey Pop.
I love you man. I love you. I love you son. Oh. |
TheOnion | PSA_Ben_Stiller_Speaks_Out_Against_Shaken_Manchild_Syndrome | This is the Onion News Network. Better news, better viewers.
When I saw his teeth marks in the block of cheese in the refrigerator, I lost control. Did you know shaken man-child syndrome is the second leading cause of death among adult children after choking on buffalo wings? Hi, I'm Ben Stiller. As the star of movies like Zoolander and Dodgeball, many of my biggest fans are man children.
Every year, I travel to hospitals to meet some who have survived abuse, and I'm always inspired by their bravery. Even through their injuries, most find the strength to quote one of my lines from A Long Came Polly, or give me a fist pound.
It's a personal issue to me because until I was almost 42, I was a man-child. I had a cat that I ironically named Dog. I would put ketchup on my rice and noodles, and the only art object I owned was a replica of Mr. Spock's Vulcan harp. Was it frustrating for my parents? Of course, but they knew you should never, ever shake a man-child, no matter how angry you get. Just because I don't have a life doesn't mean I don't deserve to live. |
CrackerMilk | an_apple_a_day | Thank you doctors for coming to this very important convention would anyone like to share any concerns? Yeah, I've got some concerns I'm concerned you won't listen to my demands. Why should we listen to you?
What do you want free health care? Shorter waiting times better hospital food. I want what all the people want For us to be able to read your handwriting if you're asking too much Laughter An apple a day doesn't keep us away Alternative medicine you're not real doctors.
Can I offer you some essential oils? How about a salt lamp? Laughter Feel better with a healing crystal Laughter What why should we listen to better hospital food better hospital food I want what all the people want for us to be able to read your handwriting if you're asking too much Laughter An apple a day doesn't keep us away Laughter Alternative medicine you're not real doctors. Can I offer you some essential oils? Laughter How about a salt lamp? Laughter Feel better with a healing crystal Laughter Essential oils Laughter How about a salt lamp? Laughter Feel better with a healing crystal Laughter |
cracked | why_invisibility_is_the_worst_superpower_antiheroes_episode_2 | Previously on anti telekinesis, super for you here Curse these curses must remain secret thing can might know guys. I know about the power Nobody use your power.
It's too dangerous get to work Hello. Hey, hi This call is an attempt to collect a debt and it will be recorded for quality assurance May I confirm your social security number? Don't give my deal Tim used his powers and he died Ken. Do you want me to have died? Can you at least freeze my soda? Stop it or I will freeze you.
That would be awesome. Just Ken. Please leave me alone God damn it I'm hmm, I'm Going to the restroom Kenneth you could please stop annoying everyone and let people work. That'd be very stand-up of you We've received reports of weird lights appearing throughout the city just minutes ago after a comet eclipsed the moon and I'm getting word Okay now more words the city is wild with lutings muggins and and violent lunatics in the streets on sidewalks on the grass in parking lots and indoors probably You're gonna find out cops will come we'll do experiments on us so train on your skills You know, that's exactly what Tim said quote. I need to train and hone my skills, right end of quote then he died Have you guys named yourself yet? Yeah, Ken we named ourselves She's professor brain girl, and I'm a heloid the heel person together We call the cops in emergencies, but otherwise we mind our own business kind of a lame mission statement But I can't mind your own business, please Hi, yeah, mr.
Greenbee Yes, this is a debt it's about a debt and look man I know it sucks, and I know you think you can't do nothing about it, but you can I'm telling you I've been there Yeah, oh, that's awesome Hey, Hector, how is everything? Things are pretty good mostly poopy. You know pooping kind of things poop stuff. I'm pooping can leave me alone Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they're not a lot of options for you name wise I got frost guy freeze guy captain temperature the amazing anti heat We're not children.
This is real Yeah, but we always said I no longer feel compelled to put a towel around my neck and rescue your little sister from childish Make-em-ups Tim is dead think of what could happen if I use this power, but what will happen if you don't Holy shit, are you invisible? Wait, wait, can you make your clothes invisible to or Hector are you sneaking I can you you breathing? Hey, you there Hector Mr. Kilman this call is an attempt to collect a debt. Sorry. It will be recorded for quality assurance and again I'm really sorry about this, but I hope Invisible And I took care of Ken wait took care of like Or Took care of like gave him medicine and kept him hydrated ditched him in the bathroom Actually, you should probably be back fairly soon.
Wait Bye You have a second power, yeah, it just sort of developed a second power I want a second. Oh, oh I think I can hear people's thoughts now. That is so not any fair. Trust me I'm already not liking what either of you have to say. Oh, I just got super speed Okay, that's cool Wait, no, it's not When would I ever use that for like scare babies into crying cool power? Hey, baby Ah Neat, of course Ditch cannon have a great big power parade. I get it. I'm can't just testing their new power.
Oh, it's you somewhere great Thanks for leaving me alone. Thanks for a bunch of Hector can have fun test your new powers Glad to see you using yours to hide from me here can I'm busy. I'm sorry Thank you for bringing me my clothes, huh, I know he has super speed I Figured you didn't want to walk on the bathroom floor barefoot again.
Yeah. No. Oh my god That was like the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Hey, does hand sanitizer work on feet? Anyway back to work. Oh the invisible or Species a coal maker No, yeah, okay. I swear to God. All right Stop. Yeah, you know what's gonna happen? So just you know, I haven't even thought of teen names League base society Next time on anti heroes I Can fly gonna be fucking kidding me And A small con at b1 CEO BG to will pass by tonight coming close to earth than the moon's orbit Okay team gather round. Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money? They don't have if you phrase it differently than that. Then.
Yes, if you want to smoke go behind the electro nuclear plant next door. I Feel like if I'm nice they walk all over me, you know, yeah Yeah All right assholes. Listen up We just got superpowers me too for sure |
cracked | 5_sex_scenes_made_by_people_who_ve_never_had_sex | I'll bet if you're watching this video, there's a good chance you've seen a movie that contains a sex scene. It's everywhere. Hell, the first time you ever really dealt with sex might have been watching a movie that had a sex scene in it.
Which means you have been wronged, my friend. We are seeing falsehood. We have been lied to.
These sex scenes are not the truth and the world needs to know. I mean, I know they aren't actually really having sex in movies. Most movies. And I don't want to see the real thing in my well shot, well plotted movies. I don't want to see the full pumpin' sweatiness, okay? That's what porn is for. However, that doesn't mean I want to be lied to by movie sex scenes. I just want accuracy. And these sex scenes appear to be made by people who have never had sex.
How so? You ask? Perhaps you've noticed these weird sex scene things that just keep happening over and over again. Like...
Yes! Ah! Yes! I'm sure this has happened once or twice before in real life, but I imagine most people's reactions when this type of stuff happens is shit. Oh my god, my computer. No, that face! Oh god! I just filed that chronologically!
Why did you push everything off the desk? I could've just easily removed that stuff if you just waited a second. No, I can't. No, I have to pick this up now. I gotta check if I still have a warranty on this broken computer.
Because not all of us are millionaires and can have people throwing our crap around. Why does nobody in the movies care that many pricey things are getting shoved to the ground? The characters doing this aren't all wealthy people. Only billionaires can have sex like that. And even they are like, oh, I really liked that.
I should've just put it on the floor and now I have to order another. What a hassle.
Now, obviously, quickies are not the ideal sexing time. One wants to sex for a while, but in movies, characters go for crazy long times. Hours on hours, all night, perhaps days, and all they do is need like a water and a sandwich to be ready to go again? No. After that much genital rubbing, both genitals would be red like a cherry and chafed like a pair of genitals that have been mistreated and flung around haphazardly. Oh. Think of the genitals. Not to mention, sex is a workout people, so you would be super sore from bumping nasties for hours because your legs and your butt and your back would probably be cramping. Just think of how sleepy people must be after that long of sex time. But in movies, people are just the energizer sex bunnies, all copulating and making more energizer sex bunnies that have sex for days.
Ugh. I'm sorry, I just grossed myself out.
No woman I know consistently matches their bra to their underwear. Yes, sometimes when you know it's a sure thing, you wear the matching stuff. But who has time or money to have that many matching pairs of bras and panties? A bra is like $30 a pop if it's cheap and not paired with underwear. But in movies, everyone is wearing their fancy matching underwear all the time. So either everyone is always ready to get laid or it's perpetually laundry day, and the women in the movies are just always luckily wearing their one clean ultra sexy matching underwear.
When having sex, you are exposing your body to not only each other, but the place that you're having sex. Which means if you have sex in, I don't know, a hot tub, pool, on the beach, in the woods, in a dirty war place. That means your naked bits would get filled or covered with dirty hot tub water or chlorine or sand or bugs or wartime residue. Unless a shower is in spitting distance, you are just asking for some bacterial infection. Also, no one ever pees after sex. Ladies, you should be peeing after sex. UTIs will ruin the mood way worse than running to the bathroom for a second. Why does no one in the movies just regularly practice safe sex? People are raw dogging all over the place.
And never are people asking important questions like, hey, how recently have you gotten tested? Hey, how many partners have you been with? Hey, do you have chlamydia?
They really should. Considering they are having unprotected sex willy-nilly. And if they do offer a condom, do you have a condom? It means that it's a plot point and the silly couple being safe is probably going to have a baby. Except for a pretty woman. She offers condoms and is super safe about it because she's prostitute. So Hollywood is pretty much saying only prostitutes use condoms.
All it's going to do is lead some poor schmuck to try something like this and get really disappointed and end up covered in bugs in the woods with those pervy little bugs. Oh god, oh god, is that, is that a sex bug? Get, get out of here, sex bug, there's no sex for you here. God damn it. These sex bugs follow me everywhere.
That stand up show is happening March 23rd at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. If you want to see amazing stand up comedians, including our own Tom Ryman, go to nerdmeltla.com slash tickets. And if you want to see me without a shirt on, you're rude. |
cracked | the_surprisingly_deep_canon_of_mcdonald_s_mascots_canonball | The modern state of McDonald's is a sad, greasy shadow of what it once was. Instead of a proud, golden-arched monument of plenty provided by capitalism, it's a dark, tiled refuge for grown adults having a depressive episode. For a good long while, McDonald's was the most delectable meal a sticky-fingered child could hope for.
Days-long campaigns were waged to break down a weary parent's psyche, enough to allow their child entry to sodium mecha. Sonic Skateboard! It was used as a reward for good grades, for birthdays, for not trying to reverse a pediatrician's flu shot syringe back into their sternum John Wick style. Leaning back in a squeaky, injection-molded chair, mouth stained from a kingly cup containing a cocktail of three to five different sodas, your Oshkosh's stubbled with McNugget dust, it felt like you died with honor in some sort of child war, and gone to a ten-year-old's version of Valhalla, and sitting at the head of the table in this figurative Viking longhouse, a pantheon of some of the strangest children's fast food mascots ever devised.
Welcome to Cannonball. Yes, even in the strange, manipulative world of children's advertising, my kids exclusively at Sears, the McDonald's roster stands out as the sort of thing a sailor would dream right before succumbing to scurvy. Led, of course, by the head honcho, omnipresent food clown Ronald McDonald, who popped up way back in the 1960s. This was a different time, when mascots weren't carefully manufactured to mean nothing and everything through an endless gauntlet of focus groups. They could just be one guy's sleep paralysis demon, and everybody else would shrug their shoulders and go, well, we'll try it. Ronald McDonald wasn't even created by the McDonald's corporation itself. His first iteration came about because a Washington DC franchisee made some ads with the local actor who portrayed beloved TV clown Bozo. Yeah, people genuinely found clowns entertaining back then, because the air was thick with leaded gasoline. Local Bozo, which sidebar, is what the kids call me at the bodega. Anyway, local Bozo portrayer and weatherman Willard Scott was hired by DC franchisee Oscar Goldstein to come up with a new custom clown, and Ronald McDonald was born.
Sort of. Here I am, kids. Hey, you been watching TV fun?
Scott's version of Ronald was even more unsettling than the widely accepted one, with a cup for a nose, a tray full of food for a hat, and a magic belt buckle that dispensed burgers to children. Yeah, just have children reach for a clown's belt line and grab a handful of meat. Burger boss Ray Kroc saw the commercials and their potential, but also wisely realized that even a regular clown is plenty weird. The commercials were made national, but Ronald was redesigned to his modern look, and Willard Scott himself was kicked to the curb with a giant red shoe, partly because they thought he was too fat.
Which, mean. But also, I get it.
There's a reason they don't give the Burger King gout.
Ronald was an immediate hit, especially among children who, McDonald's quickly realized, were phenomenal little roos. Their soft, developing brains were perfect for imprinting on, and their tiny, agile hands were perfect for navigating into their parents' wallets. So they found themselves in need of a supporting cast for their brand new clown ads, and credit where credit's due, they didn't half-ass it.
They double or even triple-assed it and created a massive, confusing world complete with a government and corresponding criminal element. Like the Hamburglar, a man whose life mission is to steal all hamburgers, maybe because of an undiagnosed iron deficiency? Despite his thievery, he was still beloved with his iconic outfit of, sort of like if a raccoon became a pimp. The bad news is, the Hamburglar I just showed you, that was the less unsettling version. Because when he first debuted, he was called the Lone Jogger, a Lone Ranger reference that was already outdated, and he had scary teeth and a long, hooked nose. Here's a tip for pretty much all companies, if you're making a greedy, scheming mascot, avoid giving them a hooked nose. Just a pretty good ground rule to stay on the right side of history. But the Hamburglar wasn't the only food thief they invented.
It seemed like McDonald's plan was to assign each mascot an item to covet and attempt to steal. Hence, we got the original Grimace, a six-limbed, purple monstrosity whose id was preoccupied with the acquisition and consumption of milkshakes. His evil origins do give a little bit of context for why a happy-go-lucky creature is named for the expression made when a detective sees a decaying corpse. With the original spider-like Grimace though, McDonald's finally found the line at which their weird creatures became terrifying to children, forcing them to give him a regular number of limbs and abandon his life of crime, which left a massive, gaping hole in Grimace's canon, which has been filled with all sorts of insanity. Most notably, in an episode of the 90s cartoon The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald called The Legend of Grimace Island, that revealed there's an island of Grimaces and that they're a distinct species, but also all related? Also, it was suggested at some point that he was a giant taste bud by a rogue franchisee in an interview, which is a myth as much as something that's made up bullshit either way can qualify as a myth. The official line tweeted by McDonald's is that he's the embodiment of a milkshake.
The man's lore is so confusing it makes Metal Gear Solid look straightforward. I used to be an anime otaku. So with all these thieves running rampant, who are their foes?
Well, the hamburger government, Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac, both of whom are still intensely frightening, but at least less confusing. Hamburger town, hamburger mayor, hamburger cop, I can process this. Also, Ronald McDonald is their enemy, but also their friend? His role in McDonaldland seems to be of some savior from a strange land, like a big-shooed traveling samurai. He's also distributing the population of McDonaldland, which are little hamburger men, to be eaten. So you know he's fighting a war on the inside.
There were also thieves assigned to other menu items that didn't make the final cut, like Captain Crook, a pirate with a taste for filet-o-fish. He faded into obscurity because they realized filet-o-fish wasn't exactly a child's meal. If I saw a little kid tucking into a filet-o-fish, I would assume it was just a small, sad man.
Then there were the fry kids, previously the fry guys, previously gobblins with two Bs, which honestly rules. They should have stuck with that. Millions and millions of gobblins in the French fry patch. Oh, they stole fries and squeaked. We got your french fries. Silly fry kids.
The only character to be later introduced that would stick was Birdie, the early bird. She arrived in the form of a giant egg that the other mascots seemingly incubated with their body heat overnight until it hatched. Despite being poultry and McDonald's having an iconic poultry item, technically, in the form of McNuggets, that was not her purpose. She was instead meant to get kids fiending for McDonald's breakfast offerings because I guess they were concerned that too many platelets were still capable of moving through their young arteries unobstructed? Birdie completed the lineup that's part of the popular consciousness today. But even though everyone remembers them, they're not actually featured that heavily by McDonald's anymore.
And there's an easy reason. It's because as we got into the 2000s, parents started asking questions. Questions like, should my 10-year-old be grunting with exertion every time they stand up? And the country rightfully started giving a shit about both advertising unhealthy foods to kids and the unhealthiness of food overall.
So sadly, all of McDonald's work of building an inexplicable amount of goodwill towards a lineup of creatures that you'd expect to see popping out from behind the diner in Mulholland Drive went to waste. There is still one easy way to see them again. Just eat two spicy McChickens 10 minutes before you go to sleep and they'll be waiting for you in your colicky nightmares. Goodbye. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Don't forget to like and subscribe and take a guess as to what the hell the Hamburglar meant by Robble Robble in the comments. I feel like it's not not offensive. |
dropout | To_Protect_and_Serve_Sometimes_Kingpin_Katie | Yeah, so then I'll basically just go into the kitchen, you know, pop it into the microwave, put it on for 35, 45 seconds, and after that it's my salty vegetables. That's interesting. Yeah, it's one of my better stories. Yeah, I nearly put this thing in the trunk.
It goes off all the time. Suspect is now holding a family of four hostage and killed. I repeat, all units report to location stat.
Cheryl, I think they need your help. Just ignore it. It's fine. Please don't ignore this. We need everyone here immediately. They said don't ignore it. You need to go do your job.
I'm eating my dessert, Katie. It is a hostage situation with a serial killer. It's a serial killer.
Okay, people are gonna see you in your cop uniform and know you shouldn't be here. Look, I don't tell you how to do your job, right? Um, that's absolutely not true.
That's the entire reason we know each other. You tell me how to sell drugs. Yeah.
Well, it's not like they're asking for meter maids to help out with this situation. Oh, God, he somehow stole a helicopter. We really need every single cop to help out. We're even talking about meter maids. You need to go. They specifically asked for meter maids. Katie, there are, like, a million officers out there.
They're never even gonna notice that I'm not there. I do the shit all the time.
He's headed to Cindy's Diner. That's where we are. If only we had one more cop to help catch this guy. Maybe a cop who's already eating at the diner who could just slow him down a tiny bit before the rest of the force gets there.
That's literally you. Okay. How's that, huh? Boom. No more noise. That's so much worse. There's a serial killer headed towards us. Okay, I'm putting my coat on. Yeah, I see that. So that they don't know I'm a cop. I get it. Okay, great. So play it cool. No. They come in here. I'm a lady you felt bad for, and you brought her a piece of pie because it looked like she just got kicked off of a hockey team. That's so specific. I'm not doing that.
Thanks for watching that promo of Kingpin Katie. If you liked it, I'm gonna blow your mind. There's full episodes you can watch right now on Dropout. They're action packed and they're super funny.
And I'm saying that and I don't know why. I normally am not proud of the things I'm in.
Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. So we have two pretty big drop offs today. One in Sherman Oaks and one downtown. So I'm thinking that we start in Sherman...
Cheryl! What? |
dropout | ghosts_get_caught_having_weird_sex_the_schining_pt_5 | Well, this is embarrassing. I thought I closed that. Yeah. Well, you didn't, Frank. The door's wide. Fuckin' worth it. Yeah, I know that now! I said I was going to put on something more comfortable, close the door, and sit on the bed.
She probably didn't even see anything. She was probably just like, whoa, that's something weird, and then kept going because there's a lot of weird stuff happening right now. I can't see shit in this mask.
Okay. Well, she's gone now. So where were we?
Your son! Oh my god!
I'm so sorry.
What are you doing? Will you just go?
I'm sorry.
Should I close this? Get out of here!
Okay. Sorry again. Sorry.
Katie!
This is just mortifying. Come on. It's not that bad. For you, maybe. I'm the freak in the bear suit. You're just the big man getting his dick sucked through a mask. Honey, you can't think about it like that. Besides, isn't it kind of fun, somebody saw this? Oh god, it's just experiment after experiment with you, isn't it?
Okay, fine. Whatever.
Jesus! I spent 500 bucks on this hotel room!
Like, it matters to you. You come from money. Why do we always end up arguing about money?
Fine! I'll drop it. I don't know why you're so upset anyway.
Everyone can see me. No one knows who you are. No one even knows who I am? So I'm just another faceless bear to you. It doesn't matter what's under the mask as long as you get to fucking...
Oh god, I didn't say that. Come on. I just said nobody knows your face or your name. Well, I have a name. It's Carter Ryan Prichard.
And I was born in Seattle and I was raised in New Hampshire. My mother was a professional dancer and my dad worked at a soap factory.
I hate jazz and I've always wanted a summer in Tuscany. I've been on two boats and I can't read or write.
I am Carter Ryan Prichard and I am a proud bear man. As well you should be. My name's Franklin Joseph Baker and my whole deal is I just want a bear to suck my dick.
Okay.
Let's make that happen for you. Would you look at that? Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or you can click over here for something else fun. You can also click here if you want to feed me clicks. I like them. Mmm. Clicks. |
cracked | black_friday_the_news_on_cracked | I'm Lex Friedman and this is the news on Cracked, now with full motion picture technology. 80's band The Romantics have filed a federal lawsuit against the makers of Guitar Hero, saying that the popular video game infringes on the band's rights by featuring a cover of their hit What I Like About You that sounds almost identical to their original version. The lawsuit claims, and we're quoting here, that song is terrible and no one should ever have to hear it ever, ever again. Hence the lawsuit.
Pop star Boy George appeared in London court yesterday, accused of falsely imprisoning a male escort by chaining him to a wall. The escort, meanwhile, faces separate charges and is accused of having bizarrely low standards. People magazine has named Matt Damon the sexiest man alive.
To be fair, I took myself out of contention this year. Let's go now to Johnny Storm with the weather. Thanks Lex. Appreciate it, as always. So it looks like today is going to rain across many, many areas of the country. I'm saying moisture in a wide area. Speaking of moisture in a wide area, how about that, Rosie O'Donnell, huh? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm being told not to make any jokes. Back to you, Lex. Thanks Johnny. Appreciate it, as always.
Georgia's Supreme Court recently overturned a law that limited where registered sex offenders can live. Between this and the free toaster for signing up, it's a great time to register to be a Georgian sex offender.
I'll be first in line. That's not a joke. Surgeons removed a massive 10-pound hair ball from the stomach of an 18-year-old girl suffering from a psychological condition in which she ate her own hair. And to answer the obvious question, yes, the hair ball matched the drapes. If you know what I mean. I think you do. Huh. Nice.
Cheryl Crow says her upcoming album is her quote, most honest record to date. The album entitled, I Peeked Long Ago and I'm Still Clinging to That Taste of Fame boasts lead single, I Wrote This Song While Drunk after failing to achieve orgasm with a roadie 15 years my junior.
Looking forward to hear that. That's it for today's edition of News on Cracked. Enjoy Black Friday. We'll see you back here on Fuchsia Monday. |
dropout | the_new_iphone_is_just_worse | Most companies strive to make their products better but at Apple we pride ourselves on thinking different that's why with the iPhone 7 we've done something that at first seems counterintuitive and then is we've made it worse. We removed the headphone jack and that's all that's the new that's the newness right there it's just the lack of a thing that was there and now it's not it's gone it's not there anymore.
Tada! Once we conceived of this exciting new update oh no down date it was so beautiful in the way that it allowed me to go home at 2 p.m.
It's all about simplicity everything will run through one port now you might be asking yourself what if I want to charge my phone while listening to music shit. Apple has always pioneered sleek beautiful design which is why you will fucking hate the literal parade of dongles you need to plug it into anything as or more complicated than a donut. Oh you could just go buy a pair of Bluetooth headphones there you go problem solved and if you normally use your headphone jack to plug into your car then fuck fuck fuck you're fucked then you're fucked and then I'm fucked and I'm fucked because you're fucked.
Our users expect for us to introduce new innovative and exciting features every year to those users we say you try introducing new innovative and exciting features every year I mean what else do you want a phone to do make you come and with the new iPhone oh this is the old iPhone it's you know they look exactly the same which would make you wonder why shouldn't I just get an iPhone 6 since it is cheaper and apparently now better that's because please please don't. Along with the worst iPhone we're like out of our minds excited to introduce a whole new line of Apple products made with the same philosophy the iPad backs which is just two iPad backs stuck together the iPod brick or which can only play brick or and the Apple watch which we couldn't figure out a way to make worse than it already is just be grateful I left you any ports at all I wanted to make it an impenetrable glass brick but Tim said no our design department used to have 12 people now there's only eight what happened to the other phone careful Tim I miss Steve I miss Steve oopsie-daisy where did Tim go the iPhone 7 Johnny giveth and Johnny can taketh away hi it's Mike Trapp from College Humor click here to subscribe click here for more fun things and send help to keep me from sinking please please help please help |
TheOnion | Fun_Toy_Banned_Because_Of_3_Stupid_Dead_Kids | We're learning more today about the security failures that led to the deadly D.C. riots at the Capitol earlier this month. Hear why Congress is now launching a full investigation as to why the Capitol Dome's giant atomic vaporizing ray wasn't deployed to eviscerate the rioters. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, this is the topical. I'm Leslie Price, and I'm calling for unity between your ears and the news, so let's try to find some common ground right after this. Could it have all been avoided? That's the question being asked after the deadly riot in Washington, D.C. earlier this month, in which hundreds of Trump supporters stormed the United States Capitol building, and now Congress has announced it will be launching a full investigation into the security failures that allowed the mob into the complex specifically to answer why the Capitol Dome's atomic vaporizing ray wasn't deployed to quell the rioters. I'm joined by OPR Washington correspondent Rebecca Neal, who has more information on this story.
Rebecca, welcome. Thanks, Leslie.
Now, Rebecca, we're aware of some security breakdowns that allowed the crowd to get past several barriers, but this one stands out as most egregious. That's right. The Capitol Dome is equipped with a 30-foot-long, two-ton atomic vaporizing ray, capable of incinerating multiple moving targets of biological mass instantly. Disintegrating large groups of threatening protesters into small piles of ash is exactly what the ray was built to do, and members of Congress want to know why it wasn't utilized to handle the insurrection. I spoke with Wisconsin Representative Ron Kind, who was part of the nonpartisan congressional panel, to review what exactly went wrong. Here he is. We're conducting a full inquiry into why the protesters infiltrating the Capitol complex weren't stopped by supercharged electro-radioactive lasers instantaneously combusting every single cell in their bodies. This country spends billions of dollars on defense, and yet we can't even manage to organize a simple evisceration of a few hundred citizens with our state-of-the-art military death ray. It's shocking. Congressman Kind and his colleagues also want to know why the government wasn't better prepared when the FBI reported some Trump supporters using social media to publicly plan this insurgency in the weeks after the November election. Kind says this would have given authorities more than enough time to charge the energy cells of the Capitol's high-powered death machine. Certainly. Do officials have any idea as to where things broke down there? Some. They've received reports in the days since the riots that multiple Capitol officials struggled to get the required approval needed to push the big red button that activates the ray. Why's that? Some think that these hurdles were due to a concern over the optics of dozens of American citizens, screaming in horror as their eyes melted out of their sockets and their bodies completely dematerialized. But legislators like Kind say authorities use a double standard compared to the level of force they would have shown against protesters if they hadn't been white. Here's Congressman Kind again. Do Capitol Police really expect us to believe they would have just opened the gates for armed rioters if they had been giant green or blue extraterrestrials trying to invade the Capitol and harvest our organs?
I don't think so. White privilege definitely played a role here. No doubt. Now Rebecca, I understand that the investigation has already prompted several big security changes that were put into place in time for the presidential inauguration. Were these a success? Absolutely.
At President Biden's inauguration, we saw a much larger security cyborg presence as well as authorized police use of brain-rupturing sonic shock cannons and a 10-foot widening of the lava moat that circles the perimeter of the National Mall. I'm sure that was a welcome relief for legislators and guests. Yes, and the extra-vigilant precautions may have prevented another insurrection after the atomic vaporizing ray was deployed on an increasingly rowdy mob of people at the Capitol. We have a clip of the incident. These are still sifting through the remains to figure out if these were rioters or just excited inauguration attendees. Sounds like they were up to no good either way.
Thanks, Rebecca. That's OBR's Rebecca Neal. We'll be back in a moment.
Well folks, cancel culture has finally reared its ugly head and in the most sacred of spaces, the children's toy industry. Yesterday evening, toy conglomerate WisCo announced a ban on one of their most popular items, all just because of three stupid dead kids. Here with more is recreation correspondent Alan Potts. Alan, what the hell's going on over at WisCo? Well Leslie, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has forced the recall of 245,000 Aqua assault robo-fighters after the third death of some idiot kid who wasn't even playing with it right. Here's WisCo CEO Alvin Cassidy's statement at a press conference Monday night.
The tragedy is inconceivable. For years, countless children played with the Aqua assault robo-fighter without incident. But then these three dumbasses come along and somehow find a way to get themselves killed. Like that's somehow our fault? So now we have to do a full recall and halt production on what was a really awesome toy.
What a waste. It does seem like a waste.
Weren't there any warnings on the package? That's the thing, Leslie. There are the standard warnings on the toy's packaging about pinch points and choking hazards, but the kids who died seemingly got so creative in finding ways to fuck themselves up with these toys that no existent warning could have prevented it. Here's Alvin again. We at WisCo have always gone above and beyond when it comes to product safety. From our raw materials to our toy design to our package labels. And despite the fact that these deaths were truly out of the realm of what we could have reasonably predicted a pea-brained drooling moron of a piece of shit kid could accomplish with our frankly innocuous toy, we have no choice but to respect the ruling of the Safety Commission.
Wow these kids sound really, really stupid. Now not to get dark, Alan, but how exactly did the little dullards manage to off themselves? I had the same question, Leslie.
So I did some research, and it turns out the first imbecile was a seven-year-old who died after deliberately firing one of the spring-loaded plastic missiles into his left nostril. The missile shot into his sinuses, shattering the roof of his nasal cavity and causing a massive brain hemorrhage. Brutal, but it sounds like there wasn't much brain in there to hemorrhage anyway. There sure wasn't. In fact, shortly before dying, the child told emergency medical personnel that he had shot the missile into his nose in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly button.
Just mind-boggling. And how about Killjoy bastard number two? Less than one month after the first death, a five-year-old in Indiana fatally suffocated on fragments of the toy after repeatedly smashing it with a claw hammer in the garage of her parents' home, thinking the shards were, quote, candy. Absolutely un-fucking-believable.
Do I even want to know about the third? The third numbskull's death I actually had a bit of trouble finding any information on, so I spoke directly to a member of the medical staff who was on duty when he was rushed into the emergency room. Here's what she had to say.
The patient apparently held the robo-fighter above his head and jumped off the balcony of his family's third-story apartment, thinking he would be able to fly like Superman.
And he was 11 years old. 11. If you're 11 years old, you should know that it's impossible to fly.
Yep, poor Wizzco's probably going to go bankrupt because of these little shitheads. Wow, that's a HIPAA violation if I've ever seen one. So what does the Safety Commission have to say about all this? Well, Leslie, it's the U.S. Product Safety Commission's job to ensure the protection of consumers, especially the young morons. But that doesn't mean they're happy about having to ban such an awesome toy. I spoke to CPSC Commissioner Mary Sheila Gall to get her perspective. I know the overwhelming majority of American kids who owned an aqua assault robo-fighter derived many hours of safe, responsible fun from it. But statistically speaking, three deaths stemming from contact with a particular toy constitutes an unreasonable risk. And our agency's job is to protect the public from hazardous products, even if those who die are imbecilic cretins who deserve what they got.
Well, that's just great. I hope those loser-ass kids are happy up in heaven or wherever the little moron bastards go after they die because they've officially ruined the fun for all of us. You said it, Leslie. Well, I don't care what the CSPC or whatever the hell they call themselves says, I for one won't be handing over my aqua assault robo-fighter because it just so happens to be my favorite toy. And if they want to come pry it from my large adult hands, then they can be my ga- OW!
Fuck! My eye! It poked me in the eye! Shit! Ow! We'll be right back. Fuck! I think I popped it!
Hypnotism. The power of suggestion. Is it real? How does it work? Can you control the minds of others by putting them into a dream-like state? Well, it looks like we may soon find out after the nation's hypnotist recently announced that we are all now under their complete control.
I'm joined by OPR reporter Marcy Hammond. Hello, Marcy. Hello, Leslie. So, Marcy, have any of these reports been confirmed?
Are we really under the complete control of the nation's hypnotists? Well, it certainly appeared that way at a press conference last night where hypnotist Jeff Powers, speaking on behalf of all the hypnosis experts in the country, put the entire population in a hypnotic trance and said all 328 million were now bound to do their bidding.
Take a listen. Your eyelids are getting very heavy. That's right, America. You can barely keep them open.
You're falling asleep. And you're asleep.
When I snap my fingers, nation, you will awaken as if nothing happened, but you will be completely under our power and do exactly as we say. Now awaken! Mr. Powers, Jim Garrison, New York Times. What authority do hypnotists have to order around the American people? Well, I'll tell you. Be a donkey. Your weak will against the power of suggestion gives us total authority. From now on, you all will do exactly as we tell you. Now buck your colleague, donkey. Oh, listen closely, America.
You're all going to get down on all fours. That's it. Now crawl. Crawl around like babies.
That's right, you're all babies, cry babies. Powers claims to have had every man, woman, and child rolling on the floor and wailing like infants for a full hour. And when he snapped his fingers again, they woke from the trance having no idea what they were doing on their backs or why they'd even been crying.
Well, I was sucking my thumb last night, but I've been doing that for years. Well, so far they've commanded hundreds of millions of US citizens to gallop around like horses, perform the song Single Ladies in unison, and quit smoking. But Marcy, I thought the majority of quote unquote hypnotized people were just playing along, faking it out of peer pressure and the desire to not disappoint the hypnotist. Is it possible that's all that was going on here? Well, that's true for the most part, Leslie. Most people were just doing it because everyone else was doing it.
However, there are some people who are genuinely susceptible to hypnotism. They're usually the most suggestible and weak-willed among us, and those people will probably jump off a bridge if they're told to while hypnotized or even slip back into a trance at any moment when they hear the command word given by the hypnotist. Luckily, those slow-witted people are anomalous.
Ugh.
Hee-haw! I'm sorry, but you see, you are a threat to the hypnotist. Leslie, what are you doing? Put down the gun! Hee-haw! Excuse me.
Thank you, Marcy. Oh, Marcy, you really shouldn't sleep on the studio floor. I cannot begin to tell you what's been absorbed by that carpeting. Uh... Marcy? Well, folks, I've got a mess on my hands here that even a bidet can't clean up.
So it looks like I've got to flee the country again. But before I go, here's a bit more news to remember me by. Here's what else you need to know today.
Good news in the fight against the coronavirus, as the CDC has announced that the country is now on track to chuck out at least one million expired COVID vaccines per day. Newly appointed CDC director Rochelle Walensky expressed her optimism for achieving the ambitious goal, and added that if they're able to keep up their current pace, they may be able to shitcan the entire U.S. stockpile by the summer. And speaking of illness, the Gates Foundation is looking to rid the world of one more today, pledging more than $25 billion toward eradicating whatever disease it is that drives people to support taxing the rich.
And finally, state legislators in Iowa are looking to make their streets a little safer for those behind the wheel, and are today advocating for all drivers 55 and older to be retested for adequate roadhead safety. Makes sense to me. Once you get past a certain age, getting blown behind the wheel can be downright dangerous for everyone involved.
And that's the topical for today, I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode, you can like and subscribe to The Topical wherever you get your podcasts.
And if you didn't like it, then perhaps staring into this pocket watch I have here will change your mind. Yes, look into it. Follow it as it goes back and forth. Back and forth. Do you like the topical now?
Oh wait, you can't see this. Only I can see this.
Oh, now I'm getting sleepy. Oh. Well be sure to tune in next.
Yeehaw! To the top. Yeehaw! |
dropout | a_couple_decides_what_porn_to_watch | What do you want to watch tonight, babe? Don't ask me. Whatever I want to watch, you will not be in the mood for. Okay, well then why don't we watch something that we both want to watch?
All right. Tip Warriors. Just got really bad reviews. Ass Plungers?
No, I saw it recently. Oh, what about Hardcore Handjaw Volume 4? Eric and Deanna saw it and said they loved it. Yeah, it's just I didn't see Hardcore Handjaws Volume 3, so I just don't want to be lost on the plot and stuff. What about Cheating Wives on Censor?
Yeah. Oh, no, it's got that actor that I hate. Dick Jagger? No, Dweef Richards. Dweef? Dick Dweef. Oh, sure, sure.
You just don't like that guy because he played the bad guy in Lesbian Gynecologist. Yes, he was so mean.
Oh, Lipetit Boner. I hate subtitles. And French Cocks. Citizen Kane.
Snooze. What? It's a classic. Okay, fine.
We'll be the only uncultured lamos who only watch new releases and have nothing important or interesting to talk about at dinner parties. All jugglers in heat. Not a huge fan of the director. I liked his early work, but at this point, whatever he puts out, I just feel like he's so self-aware of his own style, which just feels like parody, you know? Ooh, Horny Dad bangs even Hornier Babysitter. So self-indulgent. No one actually talks like that.
All right, let's see. Nut Busters Busted Nut? Mm, I think it was originally in 3D, so it's not going to look good on my laptop.
Sploosh Cruisers!
I haven't seen that since I was a kid. Come on. I saw it recently and it doesn't hold up. The special effects are terrible.
Sploosh Cruisers 2, mission accomplished. Come on, you guys. Not everything needs a sequel. Sweet 16, sorority party.
It's a thinly veiled political allegory. Also, there's not enough hardcore penetration.
True. Why don't we watch Amateur Gang Bang? You know what? We own it. We haven't unwrapped it. Mmm. Oh, wait.
My friend Craig was telling me... What was your time? I was just going to call him. Hey, dude. What was that movie we were talking about?
Big Fish. No, no, no. The fuck movie? Oh, Hardcore Anal Slut. Hardcore Anal Slut Takes Big Dick.
Yes. Awesome. Great. Thanks, man. All right. I'll see you on Monday. Good. Yes! No, no, no. Hey. Oh, shoot.
We're going to be late for dinner with your parents. |
cracked | friendly_fire_marshal | A little early to be campaigning for office fartsmen, isn't it? It's uh, office fire marshal. I'm running for it. Our last one died in a fire. Cool. The fire is awesome. It's a bold strategy, but I'm actually campaigning on a platform of preventing fire.
Not on my watch! And I'll tell you why, troops. Fire is nature's name. It is God's way of letting us know what stuff he wants. Charred!
And this Dan O'Brien wants to end all that? Now while you ponder that, we're going to throw it to a quick break. Of course, a special thanks to our sponsor this hour, the fine men and women of Halliburton Engineering. Michael, I could really use the pay bump that goes along with this fire marshal thing, okay?
Sarge is making me pay for the desk that you burned. Ironic. It's not. You burned that desk, and now I'm going to stop you from preventing me from burning other stuff ever again. I think you're confusing irony with any sequence of events whatsoever.
And you're back in the swain lane with the man himself, Mr. Dan O'Brien. Dan, thanks for being on the show despite my venomous hatred of everything that you stand for.
There's no way that this is a thing that anyone's actually listening to. So I'm going to say just to you, Michael, give it up. Let me have the thing. If you think about it for like a minute, I think you'll realize that you don't actually care at all.
Dan, I'm still talking about it a full day later. I'm dressed, I'm sober, I don't know what else you want.
Well, then let me say, anyone who isn't genetically fire-retardant should fear for their safety should you get elected. You're fire-retarded! Duh, winning. Someone's saying that you're bipolar. Wow, that is a specific sound effect. Specificity of Fire Marshal's number one most needed trait.
We're not on the radio, and you don't want to get into this with me. What are you going to do? Sick your liberal dogs on me?
Michael, look at me, okay? Look at my glasses, look at the way I dress, look at how bald I'm getting. Listen to the sound of my voice.
Do I maybe strike you as the kind of person who spent his entire high school career campaigning for meaningless positions in extracurricular clubs? For those listening in at home, he does bear the stink of a Latin club treasure. Vos es rectus, Michael. And I'm done being reasonable. Prepare to be out-campaigned. Hey, heard you on the swing, landman. Great job. Looks like somebody's going to have to make another Kinko's run. Is that your catchphrase?
No, this is. I must have eaten Pinocchio because this shit just got real. That's awful.
Daniel O'Brien claims that he can marshal fire at his whim, as if by sorceress magic. Hold on a minute. Is he threatening us? I could really use the pay bump that goes along with this fire marshal thing. Pay bump? Whatever happened to having a fire marshal who just loves fire?
Don't vote for a bourgeois wizard fire Nazi. Vote for me. Is it a vote?
I don't know. Whatever. Just make sure Dan O'Brien loses. Use violence if necessary. My name is Michael Swaim and I approve this massage. What? Message? I don't give a shit, man. Just run it.
This part? Yes! This part too! Roll, I swear to God! Kinko, you fucked me again! What?
Yeah, building security? Yes. Building security? What would an employee have to do to get access to security footage?
I don't know, like a crime or something. Well, I'm pretty sure everything he does is some kind of crime, so I don't think that'll be a problem. That sounds like it'll be just fine. Good.
We'll send some of them tapes right over there, yeah? These are the documented in-office crimes of Michael Swaim. They are edited only because to show them in their entirety would require alternating shifts at the company amphitheater for several days and nights.
I'm not asking that he be arrested for his crimes or that he be made to return my kidney. I'm only asking that you don't elect him to a position that he believes to be called King of Fire.
I'm Daniel Stankonia O'Brien, and I approve this message. Also, this is my apartment, so that's another one. Breaking and entering. Right there. Thank you.
Is the light on? Just what the hell did you two think you were doing? The fire thing.
You were campaigning. Campaigning. There is no campaigning!
It's a meaningless job title that I assign! So, which one of us? Neither of you, obviously, is going to steward.
So is there like an assistant? Assistant!
Well, that was a wasted day. Right? Look, why didn't we even go through all that? We made j- So pointless.
Do you want to go burn some steward stuff? That's what I want to do. Yes. Back in the game, baby! |
SaturdayNightLive | shana_at_a_halloween_party_snl | Wow Patrick, you really went all out for this Halloween party. Yeah. well, Mr. Turkins is coming. I had to make it look good for the boss. yeah, he's gonna love it. Speaking of love, I hope that new girl. Shannon's coming. Oh, she is super sexy. Oh, yeah. yeah, it's like she stepped out of a pantyhose ad. Watch out Boss Man's here Everybody Run! Just Josh! That is the best costume, Let me guess you're a man from the 90s costume. Becky? Sorry, I'm a cat. Great. hey guys, is Shana coming? well, she always vp'd Well, there it is. I guess I am in a costume. it's called happy Guy. Well, the doorbell must be Shana, yeah, it sounded sexy.
Sorry, I'm late everybody. My bunny tail kept getting squished when I was driving here so I had to take off my skirt and finish the drive in my panty. I wish I were the B to C cover in that car.
Me too. me too Times two Me two times two also for me and telling me if my tail is too squished I'd be happy to do. I'd be happy everything's working for me. Yeah, Oh thank you, Mr. Turkins. I really like your Planet Hollywood jacket. can I touch it and get a sense of it? Yes. Feels good.
Yeah, you know, they have a whole website. it's uh, what is it? it's uh, dummy.
That is one sexy piece of biscuit. Somebody pass me the jam. I will also need a portion of jam as well. Caught Caramel for apples. Funny how some people say caramel and other people say caramel when nobody says cream.
Shana, I'm gonna start calling you Seinfeld cuz that was a funny observation. Time to get hot and sticky. then go to my mouth. That was sexy to the Unmax Truth Truth for me as well. You guys wouldn't know sexy if it sat on your lap and jiggled so hard that the neighbors complained. hey, watch this Shannon, look out for that spider over there. Yeah, obviously it has a hat on Becky. don't put your cookies away.
Oh well, yes, you know what? it looks like when I get scared. One time when I got really scared, I just ripped my shirt open and did tons of tiny little bounces in a row. So I hope no one really scares me.
Shannon, You make any party hard here. Hey, Circus Peanuts. everybody loves these. You want one?
No, why are you allergic? I just have a hard time digesting them. One time I ate a bunch of peanuts and I ate a pain near my belly button. so the doctor told me he needed a stool sample and I had to poop in the tiniest cutest little white cup. And then the doctor and I looked at it and there were peanuts everywhere. Whole peanuts, regular-sized peanuts totally and digested peanuts, Fully formed peanuts. they were so normal I could have eaten them again. I'm not gonna tell you if I did or not. let's just see the doctor threw up Shannon.
You were So refreshing. you have the innocence of a child and the body of a prostitute who never had kids. Oh, I forgot. I brought another costume. I wanted to show you guys. yeah. yeah, I think we might head out. It's just a sheet. goes with two eyes, a little mouth cut out. took me three days. My guy sounds like she worked hard on it.
Please. I really want to haunt everybody's bodies. I really want to. We that ghost can wiggle. She sure can. I just wish I could see more. Jiggle So hot. Yeah, I think something bad's gonna think this ghost is the tiniest smallest, a bit of amount of cute gas.
Excuse me, I'm out. me too. I live here and I'm leaving.
Thanks a lot Shanna, You are intriguing. is there room under that sheet for me? What's wrong, Mr. Turkins? Why your eyes crossing? Are you crying? Guess Mr. Turkins got tired. Okay. guess it's time to go. Oh. |
dropout | obama_takes_his_shutdown_government_to_the_apple_store | Okay Barry. Yeah.
Hey, how can I help you today? Well, I was hoping that you could take a look at my government It's shut down and I really need it to work.
Okay. Just walk me through what happened. Well It's a pretty old model, but it's been reliable for quite some time And then I tried to load some custom programs on to which you guys said would work But now it's been rejecting it. Okay. Yeah, no problem. Now.
Did you restart it? Oh, yeah 2012 it did absolutely nothing it cost me a fortune and you just can't delete your program I shouldn't have to the hardware said that it was compatible three years ago, and there's a lot of European models where it works Just fine So that on the message boards. Yeah, but unfortunately this government is especially resistant to change But we'll crack it open and see what's going on. You've got a lot of preloaded crap. We're on here You're still running the electoral college It looks like you have a used model the guy before you really did a number on this So the two main parts of the motherboard aren't even communicating with each other. Well, is there anything you can do?
Honestly, dude, these things weren't made to last They're just cheap temporary systems that rely too heavily on foreign manufacturing.
Oh Dude you got a virus Bummer, what does that do? Huh?
It just replicates itself makes it so the hardware won't do anything useful. It just fucks with you.
Oh Can't I just get a new government now my friend he came in here the other day and he said that you you hooked him up Oh the Iraqi president. Yeah Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work out for him |
cracked | pocket_film_festival_30_shot_clock_challenge_submit_to_our_film_festival | If you want in on this movie star lifestyle, all you gotta do is submit an entry to the cracked smartphone, very short film competition. What does that look like, you ask? Well, for example...
But before I even finish my sentence, I get interri- oh, sorry. Probably Cody. He's been butt dialing me all day. Cody, I- Shh, it is not Cody.
How is this possible? You must listen to me if you want to leave. Okay, what do I do? Oh god, why can I smell it? Seriously though, I am in love with- You need that? And it's just that easy.
You make a video on your phone under 35 seconds, cause you gotta beat the shot clock and mention the name of one of this year's March Madness teams. Then upload the video, submit the link to us, and you could have a chance at our final four or the grand prize. I'm driving very unsafely now, so I'm gonna go, but you can find out more information just by scrolling around this page and checking it out. Hope to see your entry on here soon, guys.
Get phoning! Hey guys! We've got Harlem Shake videos, and we've been waiting so long to do one, so that's an excuse to do it. Here we go. Here's our Harlem Shake. Hey guys! Subscribers! One more. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_jimmy_fallon_on_the_new_star_wars_movie_snl | This week the first advanced reviews of the new Star Wars movie came out. Really excited about it is Jimmy Fallon. In two weeks the big movie comes out and I'm totally psyched to see it man. the build-up is Huge.
I mean, there's people camped out for weeks just to get tickets, you know, every morning there's a line around my corner cause I live next to the Cineplex. Scampers wanted like 200 for a ticket. didn't have it so I wrote them a check. I just can't believe it.
George Lucas is a genius. Star Wars is back again. First I'm gonna see it and then I'm gonna see it again. Shut the door baby! The movie just started.
Sam. Sam Jackson's in it too. He's cool man. he's gonna play this guy called Mace Windu. Hi kids, do you do like sci-fi action with Sam Jackson? gonna blow up like Titanic with Bill Paxton? Cool brother with the bald head and goatee. Isn't he the first black guy to be in Star Wars since Billy Dee? Hi, my name is Huh. my name is who my name is. Chicken Chicken Mace Windu my all-time favorite favorite character is still on my all-time favorite. So I'm psyched to see him because it's gonna be like it's what? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_costas_popakanstantis_on_olympics_construction_snl | With the opening ceremonies of the 2004 Athens Summer Olympics less than 100 days away, major sections of the Olympic facilities have yet to be completed. Here to talk about the progress of the construction is Olympic Supervising contractor, Costas Papakanstantas.
Hello, Jimmy. Tina. Ticanes Kukla, Yeah. it's so good to be here.
Yeah. well, it sounds like there's still a lot of work to do. I mean, from what I heard, you only put half of the roof on the Olympic Stadium. what? Relax, Jimmy And Daxie And Daxie, Okay? The games don't start for like six months.
Three months, actually. Three months, Jimmy.
All right, Okay, here. What is this? I brought this model of Olympic Stadium to show everybody that it's okay. it's cool. Like mental cigarettes, my man. it looks great. that looks great there. so it's almost finished. Well, you know, I thought I'd re-glue this section right here, you know, put some little dudes in here. and I'm running around. No, no, no, no, I'm not talking about this model. I'm talking about the actual thing in Greece, the stadium. Oh, there's nothing like this in Greece, man. I'll tell you right now, if there was, my job would be a lot easier. All right, well, I like this tower. here, that's nice.
Oh, that's my coffee cup. that's not part of the deal. you put it on your model? Well, what am I going to put it on my head? Hey, I'm going to go talk about this, you know. don't set yourself on fire, Costas.
So how much is done? I'll show you. pretty much what this isn't done. these two roof pieces aren't done. This isn't done either. So many bushes here, that bushes aren't in there yet. this part's gone. This, we got this up.
Yeah, wow. it's pretty nice, right? you can fly through there, you can run up here. one, two, three, who's there? hide in the bush, in the bush. Who's in the bush? Silver medal. I'm not in advance. Who's in the bush?
Come on, man, take it easy. get your panties out of your butt crack. excuse me? we got all these plants, you got the backup, Okay? we got backup plants. Yeah, let me get my panties out of my butt crack. Ah, yeah, put it in your coffee. Anyways. hey, you know what? between you and me, I don't like your tooth, bro, bro. I didn't say it.
Okay, look, maybe they could change some of the events, you know, to correspond to our situation. you know, get rid of some of the old events. wait, so you want some new events? Yes. like what? Well, just off the top of my head, stadium construction.
Yeah, they're not going to do that. Jimmy, listen to me, Okay? yeah, I don't want to go back there, my bro. it's rough over there, okay? I can stay here, right? Where? here, in the studio. No, no, I sleep underneath here. No, you can't do that.
I'm a funny guy, I'm Greek. I know how they do it here. Chibouria, chibouria, chibouria, chibouria, chibouria. yeah, they don't do that anymore. You like the juice? juice is good, Casas, Papa, and Santas, everybody. I'm Jimmy Fallon, I just want to say thanks. this is my last show. good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. |
dropout | Real_Adults_Don_t_Order_Dessert | So then I said, what? Oh God, I'm so full if I keep laughing like this I'm going to puke again. I'm so sorry Raph. No biggie. May I interest anyone in some dessert?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Thank you. Get that away. No thank you, no no no. Thank you.
Oh Rekha, if you want something you should get it. I mean you deserve a dessert. Sure we just gorged ourself on an enormous meal but if you're feeling like a little piggy boy go. Okay, I'm fine. Rekha please, if you want to get something you should do it. You can shovel a bunch of butter clod into your mouth while all of us just want to pay and get out of here.
Please, please, please, please. Really? I am fine. Please leave. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. You've got to get what you want. Now we did not mean to make you feel bad. Wait. Why are you talking like that? Okay, let's get her the sugar, sugar, sugar bomb for babies but can we make it the one specifically for adults, you know the kind that like to eat a fully balanced meal but also still somehow want to pour crap into their bodies. Thank you. This is brownie sundae.
What did I say? You said something different. Did I? Yes. I don't think I did.
Okay, guys, you are not better than me for not wanting dessert. Rekha, I would never make you feel like I was. No, no, you would never say something like that.
There are plenty of respectable people who eat dessert. It's sweet and creamy and buttery. It's beautifully plated. It transports you for the briefest of moments away from this world to some place of joy and indulgence and bliss.
I see. I am assuming.
I would never actually order it. No way. No. I am not a small baby. No, no, no. I would never waste someone's time like that.
I want a baby sugar bomb baby. Quit assigning morality to food. I love dessert and that is fine.
You savory love nut balls. Nut balls? Nut balls.
You love your salt and your meats and your big beers and after dinner espresso and I don't say anything about it. So just let me love my thing too.
I will take the cake. Excellent choice. How's the waitress? She kind of looks like her. Is this some real? How was your day, Grant? Here's your cake. Thank you. I guess I better take a walk. I'll have lunch.
Who are you?
If you haven't gotten enough of me yet and how could you? Click over to Tinder's YouTube page to watch me try out my best pick up lines. Make sure to subscribe. |
TheOnion | Town_s_Teen_Pregnancy_Spike_Due_To_One_Impressive_Youth | This is the Onion News Network report first ask questions later Teenage pregnancy rates have been declining across the state.
But here in Pennington, they've jumped almost 30% That's right Blake experts say that the increase can be attributed mainly to Cody a handsome teen whose family moved here from Abbotsford last year in one typical month here at Pennington's Methodist Hospital Over half of the pregnancies are the result of Cody.
These girls are not getting the education they need about Cody They don't fully understand Cody and unfortunately that's part of the appeal I mean after the summer when Cody gets his tan Hmm.
It's gonna get a lot worse Just this month the health teacher at Pennington High began a new program to teach female students about the dangers of Cody I try to teach teens how to say no to Cody even if he plays his guitar for them along with Safe sex with Cody basics such as how to put a condom on Cody Speaking to reporters this afternoon mayor Hallinan supported this well-rounded approach saying an abstinence only stands on Cody doesn't work Simply telling our teens to just say no to Cody isn't realistic He has a fake ID and he does a hundred push-ups every morning We need to have a frank and open dialogue with our daughters about Cody because he's not going anywhere His parents just bought the Radbergers old house.
I tell you it's tough for kids to wait out on Cody I myself am pregnant with Cody's child, but I'm not 16 |
cracked | how_star_trek_nemesis_made_tom_hardy_a_drug_addict | Many people don't know Tom Hardy starred in a Star Trek film. Tom Hardy wishes he was in that group.
Early on in his career, he appeared in Star Trek Nemesis as Captain Picard's younger, silkier, telepathic, rapist-year clone. It was... not a good movie. And the 25-year-old actor dealt with this fact by self-medicating with booze and crack cocaine. Not that Hardy wasn't prone to self-destructive behavior in the first place. In an interview, he recalled an incident when he was just 11 and a police officer visited his school to warn the kids about the hazards of sniffing glue. It... uh... didn't have the intended effect. Long story short, he was arrested for joyriding while in the possession of a firearm at age 17. It wasn't until he woke up in an alleyway wallowing in a puddle of presumably his own puke and blood that he decided to check himself into rehab.
Hardy stayed on the relative straight and narrow, and his choice to pursue acting paid off as he landed roles in Black Hawk Down and the acclaimed band of brothers miniseries. And when he got cast as the main villain in Nemesis, many believed he was on track to become Hollywood's next A-list leading man. Unfortunately, Nemesis was to the Star Trek franchise what George Lucas's prequels were to... uh... cinema in general. The movie flopped, sending Hardy to a place where he would've... sold his own mother for a rock of crack. Should I do that one as Tom Hardy too?
Did we establish voices? Okay. I would've sold my mother for a rock of crack, Batman! He's since kicked the habit, and things have gotten better for him, obviously.
But, like all addicts, the 400-pound gorilla that wants to kill him on his back must be held at bay on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis. Hardy, being driven to drugs, Wil Wheaton getting hate mail, thousands got bullied in school. How long will we allow Star Trek to terrorize our youth? But also, stay strong, Tom Hardy.
We love you. You're doing great. We support you. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_23_8_18_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Remember those cute kid shows you used to love?
Hiya folks! Well fuck me!
Well not like this you don't. 50 Cent's our second fuck.
The bulletin this week is brought to you by the Happytime Murders, which is out now in cinemas around the country. Yeah it's a puppet movie Del, but jeez it's a far cry from Sesame Street. Yeah bros it certainly is and it's riled a few people up, mainly old heads around the country. The well-known News Corp columnist and dog whistler Miranda Devine, has led the crusade against the film.
Jesus Mandy, what's she saying now? She's obviously appalled by some of the lewd behaviour in the film, and she's come out this week and blamed that said behaviour, on the legalization of same-sex marriage. Tenuous link I'd say. It's all part of societal decay she says, that off-touted slippery slope.
Anyway, in other news there's been a fair bit on this week Bruce. Yeah mate there's been a lot going down in that soulless bush capital, otherwise known as Canberra. Mainly centering around Peter Dutton. The now former Home Affairs Minister made headlines after he divided his soul up into seven Horcruxes, ahead of the leadership challenge this week. That's right Bruce, the highway cop from the sunny coast, chopped up what remains of his soul into seven fragmented parts, to be spread across the seven factions within the Liberal Party, in an attempt to get hold of the throne.
Yeah as outlined in a popular Anglo-Celtic folklore, a Horcrux is an object in which a dark wizard, or witch, has hidden a fragment of his or her soul for the purpose of attaining political immortality. And the fragments known as Horcruxes will be hidden in the disguise of policies aimed at not allowing brown people to live in Australia.
A constant but less talked about sentiment that remains hidden within both sides of federal politics, and one that Dutton has been familiar with for many years. Yeah he did fall short this week, but I'm sure it's not the last we've seen of the man who walked out of the National Apology to Stolen Generations.
Certainly not.
And the Leader of the Opposition Bill Shorten has confirmed that he's hoping that they'll just keep falling over in front of him. Yeah the Betuda Advocate exclusively revealed this week that Shorten has begun studying Stephen Bradbury's 2002 speed skating gold medal win. Shorten told us that he can't believe the sure bet he's been handed, and has decided to just shut the fuck up and smile until he's handed the role of Prime Minister at the next federal election. He explained that this election will be quite possibly the only other example of someone actually winning because of a tortoise and the hair-type competitive edge.
And in other news around the country, the drought's still taking its toll. It is, and believe it or not, it's bitten down in the Harbour City this week.
Yeah that's right Delton, in some sad news David Kosh has been forced to put down his beloved cash cow. Despite tirelessly working to feed the financially reckless bovine, the drought's grip proved to be too tight around the throat of the nation's most racist breakfast show. David Koshy Kosh broke down on sunrise this morning as he recounted the heartbreaking story of being told by network executives that he'd have to shoot his beloved cash cow.
The currently sad Pisces went on to tell viewers that he only needed one shot, but it did ruin his suit and he saw things he never thought he'd have to see as a popular white male millionaire from Sydney's Lower North Shore. Mate, a hell of a tearjerk of that one. And back in town this week, the Advocate did a deep dive into the forgotten victims of the drought.
Yes, that's right.
We shone a light on a minority whose plight hasn't been getting any publicity. Bricklayers. One bricklayer we spoke to explained that his circumstances might not bring in as many ratings, or sell as many papers, but that him and his colleagues haven't had a full rain day in nearly three years.
Breaks your heart doesn't it? They've been doing it real tough. They have, Bruce, and the brickie explained that he would do anything for enough drops to wet the Tally Ho paper so he could kick the feet up, rip a few cones, and play a little bit of Xbox. It's not unreasonable, is it?
And may I say our thoughts are with them. Thoughts and prayers.
And Bruce, in the sporting world, it's been another woeful week for the Wallabies.
Yeah, that's right, Del.
They've done what they do best, working together as a team to let the nation down again. And we spoke to someone feeling the pain this week. Peter Smith Jenkins, a marketing analyst from the French Quarter, said that he's had to cheer himself up the only way he knows how.
Buying chinos. He explained that each time the Wallabies have a bad loss, he borrows his Old Man's Five series, drives down to the David Jones in North Petuta, and buys some nice new chinos.
And I heard he even treated himself to a new puffer jacket vest too. Yeah, wouldn't you? He was particularly upset after the second half and decided it was worth treating himself. Good on him, he deserves it.
Anyway, that's the news wrap for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Please subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news.
And don't forget, The Happy Time Murders is out in cinemas now.
Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussey.
But it did ruin his suit and he saw things he never thought he'd have to see as a popular white male millionaire from Sydney's Lower North Shore.
May a hell of a tearjerk of that one. And back in town this week, The Advocate did a deep dive into the forgotten victims of the drought.
Yes, that's right.
We shone a light on a minority whose plight hasn't been getting any publicity. Bricklayers. One bricklayer we spoke to explained that his circumstances might not bring in as many ratings or sell as many papers, but that him and his colleagues haven't had a full rain day in nearly three years.
Breaks your heart, doesn't it? They've been doing it real tough. They have, Bruce.
And the brickie explained that he would do anything for enough drops to wet the Tally Ho paper so he could kick the feet up, rip a few cones and play a little bit of Xbox.
It's not unreasonable, is it? And may I say our thoughts are with him. Thoughts and prayers.
And Bruce, in the sporting world, it's been another woeful week for the Wallabies.
Yeah, that's right, Del.
I've done what they do best, working together as a team to let the nation down again. And we spoke to someone feeling the pain this week. Peter Smith-Jenkins, a marketing analyst from the French Quarter, said that he's had to cheer himself up the only way he knows how.
Buying chinos. He explained that each time the Wallabies have a bad loss, he burrows his old man's five series, drives down to the David Jones in North Petuta, and buys some nice new chinos.
And I heard he even treated himself to a new puffer jacket vest, too. Yeah, wouldn't you? He was particularly upset after the second half and decided it was worth treating himself. Good on him. He deserves it.
Anyway, that's the news wrap for this week. Thanks for tuning in. Please subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered, and unwavering regional news. And don't forget, The Happytime Murders is out in cinemas now.
Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hossie. |
TheOnion | Breaking_News_Some_Bullshit_Happening_Somewhere | Now in a desperate attempt to fill 24 hours of programming, here's some bullshit that happened somewhere today. We've got some footage here of the bullshit which began just after 3 o'clock this afternoon when residents in this neighborhood were shocked to see this fairly common thing happening. An attractive witness described the event in breathless terms. I went to my window and I was like, whoa, there's some bullshit happening. That happened right over there. I'm an older man, so you can trust what I say. Studies in special uniforms rushed to the scene to stand around while our cameras filmed them. Our reporter Keith Collins joins us now live from the scene of the bullshit through the use of expensive technology. Good to be with you again, Keith. We have a colorful graphic here that shows instances of bullshit like this are on the rise.
Is that right? Yes, although why is unclear.
Some say it's because of one fucking reason. Others say it's because of some other fucking reason.
I talked to this random expert on the subject who told me this thing you're about to hear him say right after he points at a piece of paper. I spent my entire life attending the nation's most prestigious schools to talk about bullshit like this. I'm really just happy to be on TV. Now let's see if we can drag this out a little longer by showing emails written by some of our viewers. I once saw some stuff kind of like the shit you're talking about happen. I have nothing more to add. Another person says, I am angry that things like this happen. I get mad about every bullshit thing I see. So obviously a lot of opinions there to make this story seem somewhat meaningful. Oh, absolutely, Glenn. This bullshit has some broader implications. Here's a list of tips on how to avoid bullshit happening to you. And here's some footage of Congress. Yes, I see that. Well, thank you, Keith.
Let us know if there are any updates on this bullshit story from there. There's no way there will be.
Very good. We'll check back with you in an hour anyway. I'm just some fucking guy. When we return, we'll look at live footage of a car chase taken from a helicopter and free associate about what's going on. |
dropout | star_wars_asmr_and_hitler_frisbees_collegehumor_comment_show | Last time we did this, we said, comment showbie gobie, like Letterman would start doing it. Comment a showbie gobie.
I am under consideration to take over for Craig Ferguson. It's down to me and Chelsea Handler.
I'll never go to the womb.
CBS, please. We started, this is a, we're doing like a Mark Madden thing where we start mid-composition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now, make trap, you and I eat.
Hello, welcome to The Comment Show, the only show on CollegeHumor.com where we respond to your comments directly from our YouTube videos. I'm joined this week by Mike Trapp, a CollegeHumor writer and cast member, and Adam Conover, CollegeHumor writer and cast member. Hello, Earth Peoples.
We've collected comments from our YouTube page with our, on all the videos we've released in the last week or so. And we have them laid out before us here in these handy color-coded piles. And we're just gonna read through them and respond to them. So if you've been commenting, you might hear yours in this very episode. And importantly, none of us have seen any of these unless we've read them on the YouTube page. We don't know what these comments are, you know? Yep. So just to recap, those things, the part of the internet that everyone says you should never even read because it's so toxic and worthless that life would be better if you just forgot it exists, we're gonna read those out loud and consider them carefully.
Star Wars Cantina Band auditions, which was a pretty big video we did. Pretty big video. Pretty big video, yeah.
Okay, Jay Crowley, 1985, one week ago, wrote continuity flaw. This is great. This is the best way to start a comment.
How can the hippie singer be singing about Alderaan when Boba Fett didn't, is it Boba Fett or Boba Fett? Boba Fett. Thank God. Boba Fett didn't escape from the star lag until after it was destroyed.
I really love this, but news flash, not real. Star Wars not real, doesn't matter. First of all, it's a galaxy far, far away, so you don't know it's not real. We just can't, it's just not observable. Yeah, and it was a long, long ago. Do you think some people think that maybe Star Wars is real?
I think definitely.
So to play Jay Crowley's advocate, if this is taking place after Boba Fett escapes from the star lag pit, isn't the Death Star already destroyed at that point? No, the second Death Star, there's still a second Death Star that is not. Oh, I'm so bored. But Boba Fett doesn't escape from the star lag pit until after the events of the first trilogy. We don't know that.
In the novels, anybody here wanna talk about sports? I love when the names make me laugh. Binky McFartnuggets says, Anis Mouth and Nutsack Chin should be judges on every singing show. Those are the actual official George Lucas names for these characters. He's actually talking about Murph and me in that color.
He's just very, very mean. The founder Utopia writes Wilhelm at the end there, and then like a smiley face, XD, what he did is he typed that and then he took a massive shit.
That was added by Post or maybe, I don't know, maybe Sam added it. I don't know who's choice it was. It was not ours though.
Well, we do say that Boba Fett screamed. We never said he, specifically that it's the Wilhelm scream.
This is ASMR Robbery, a video starring, you are in with me and Emily Oxford. ASMR, of course, is this weird recently kind of dusted off phenomenon. Certain videos, people speak really softly. Yeah, and it gives people a tingle Accidentally graceful says, I'm back for the sixth time. Hilarious and tingle inducing.
It doesn't get better. Oh, that makes me feel dirty.
Oh yeah, welcome to the world of ASMR. Oh, it's like she's getting her rocks off. Emily was really hoping it would actually be effective as an ASMR video. It's very cool, it really works. But Emily Oxford wishes she had ASMR so bad. She keeps watching ASMR videos and trying to make it happen.
She's been like, ah, shit. Nick Piers writes, until now I honestly never even had a way to describe the tingling sensation I would get sometimes. Who knew college humor of all places would enlighten me. He was definitely naked when he was typing. We helped him discover something about himself. It's this thing that, yeah, a lot of people have and no, it's just a thing that's no one's ever really defined before.
One more ASMR comment here, when in doubt, do, says, there were almost no jump cuts in this video. If I'm not mistaken, they did most of this in a single shot. That's impressive. And the shot where Emily emerges covered in blood, I think was shot separately.
Like after she stabs him. After she stabs him.
But everything before that, the three minutes, whatever. It's like you guys, the end of the fourth episode of True Detective. Children of men. Every act of every play ever performed, yeah. Theater actors must be so pissed off by when people are impressed by all one shot in movies.
Yeah. Hello, hello. I've done that 600 times in a row. Check this out, Shakespeare. No cuts, asshole. To our next video, which you wrote. Oh, yes. One of our most cutting videos. Hey. I told you guys I had to get set up for that.
Foop Johnson. This guy's clearly uncircumcised. That refers to the sound that his penis makes. And that's Foop.
Yeah. This is legitimately informative. Of course, foreskin still looks like a gross elephant. Ali Fareed MC writes, I want to inject myself with starfish DNA so I can grow my foreskin back. Hmm. Yeah. That's how Alan and Dr. Moreau start today. Yeah.
But they would be like the weird reveal like part way through. It's like how did this monster start? And it's like, oh, he just has a starfish DNA. It's like, oh, because he wanted to grow back some of his length and he lost in the war. It's like, no, no, he just, he really wanted his foreskin back. But then, of course, everything goes wrong. His foreskin escapes. Yeah, you know. And it starts gross demonstracized, starts terrorizing people.
Jeff Goldblum dies. Aah!
Miranda Pring says, I think it's fucking awesome when a dick has its own little cave. Space created by the foreskin, Miranda would describe as a cave. Or, it's not really caves, is it more of like a sheath?
Yeah, but it's, you know, you know, the creativity of the human imagination. You know, language can mean so many things.
You're gonna get a call from the anti-defamation. We'll talk about older ads tomorrow.
Yeah, the video's not about Jewish and Muslim circumcision, which, because everybody knows why that's practiced, is because it's a religious ritual. But, you know, the American brand of circumcision, most people don't know the history of it. American brand circumcision! American circumcision is built for tough!
Now I just, I want a frisbee designed by Hitler. What would that look like? It would have a swastika on it, which would look really cool when it's fun. Like Captain America shield. Can we see that? VW Beatles designed to look like Nazi helmets.
Like, weren't they supposed to be like? Really? Like, I don't think Nazi helmets do that. I guess they kind of do.
XXD1GXDUGXX commented. You know, you can try to pronounce it. X-X-D-1-X-DUN-X-X.
Wow, did they really put Kirito's sores from Sword Art Online in this video? That is definitely not a show to binge watch. Such emotion, very feeling. I did not specify. I actually, I don't know what show they're talking about. Bird Art Online is an anime. Yeah. It's available on Hulu Plus. I watched 30 seconds of it and verified it was an anime and so it was basically unwatchable. A particular set of swords from an anime is in the video. Yes, correct. And you wrote the video.
You don't know how the swords are in there. I don't know how the swords got in there. I didn't specify those swords. Did somebody on the staff sneak in some swords?
I think so. This is just like the Dixon, A Little Mermaid. Undertaker9711, eight hours ago, this comment came in, wrote, wait, wait, wait, are the swords on the wall Sword Art Online? Yes, they are. Yeah. Liz Fowl says he has Kirito swords on his wall. Yes, he does.
Right, seriously, who put Kirito swords in this sketch? Try to get people engaged. Why are we worried about like titles in this show and we can just put anime swords on the wall and everyone will engage with the video. Guys, check it out. There's a sword on the wall.
We saw internet videos. Moving on to the comments from the comment show. This is like the inception section of the episode. Chained Marionette says, I totally masturbated to furry forest. Yup. I'm glad we asked.
You do know that this is like attached to your Google Plus profile, right? Like when you see your real name.
Ryan Maloney of Davenport, Iowa. No! Scrooge McFuck.
He says, now that's a great name. He says, in all caps, so I'm gonna shout it cause it's in all caps.
Whoa, why's it gotta be a black card? What the hell College Humor? That's pretty damn racist. I don't think you consider the social consequences of inferring that a black card is bad slash negative. So Scrooge McFuck is giving us a very bit of trenchant social commentary and saying that, you know, why is it that, you know, the same word that we associate with like evil and darkness and negativity is- It's like I've seen in Malcolm X where he was a certain race of evil. Open the dictionary and look at, when he's in prison. Or there's just like one like black card in here that's like the black card of death.
I don't know, man. You gotta take that up with like the OED. That's like, you know. I don't know about that.
I think it is really incumbent upon all of us to take responsibility for our own actions and words. Okay, it could be like a red card or something. Take the plight of the Native Americans and just throw them into a fucking corner.
It's a one and only golden boy. One week ago wrote, the interwebs needs returning Vikings. Oh God, all right. Every week you guys demand that we do a sketch about returning Vikings. So I guess let's do it. College Humor presents Returned Vikings. Duh, let's attack England.
Whoa, whoa. That's really messed up, dude. Whoa, what are you talking about? Just there's like a really offensive like, you know, impression of someone with a disability. I'm retarded.
Like I know it was spelled differently. That word itself like doesn't really have any meaning. So it's like, it's clearly just like a standard. What's the difference? You should at least like, let's like set up the mythos at least.
Okay, I'm Lars. I think you're the king obviously. You're certainly the most enthusiastic of the three of us. I'm King Lars, Returned King.
I think I'm a prisoner. Lars and Olaf traveling around with their like, their PC, the prisoner is like, guys, this is a really bad idea. Like everything about this is like, we're like these themselves are like raping and pillaging. And then you're throwing like retarded jokes on top of that.
Like, I want to go, can't rape and pillage. You're at a quest to find someone who finds this impression, not offensive at all when using. |
dropout | if_characters_said_what_their_actors_tweeted | What we do in life, echos in eternity, for the glory of Rome, circumcision is stupid, babies are perfect! I want the truth. You can't handle the truth.
Wow, there are a lot of people with the name Bieber in their name. Wait what? You could figure out how to turn Justin Bieber's name into energy. What does that have to do with anything? Yo Adrian! I love you! Did you ever notice every other planet has a cool name except ours? Earth rhymes with dearth, depressing. Let's talk about something important.
I love that song, Niggas in Paris. Kanye and I should do a song called Niggas in Montauk.
Anyone who thinks that quoting the title of that song is racist is a disgrace to the human race. I'm sorry, that is incorrect. The phrase is, global warming alarmists are unpatriotic racists, knowingly misleading for their own ends.
This is our most dangerous mission yet. There's no shame in backing out. If anyone wants to say anything, now is the time. Love is the most powerful and still most unknown energy in the world. Hey guys, what's your spiritual outlet these days? I'm curious.
I am a lesbian. I love every piece of you. Feed me. I'm always hungry. I'm yours forever.
That one makes sense. Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you like that video, click here to subscribe, here to watch another video, or here to see my penis. Oh, your screen doesn't go that far. Oh wow.
I'm really gonna miss out. Sorry. |
SaturdayNightLive | abby_the_ex_girlfriend_snl | That movie was wild. Yeah, Paddington 3 was not what I expected. that was cocaine, Bear. Okay, see, I was so worried about Paddington.
Oh, shoot, Abby, Graham is here. Abby, I mean, we can totally leave. Look, y'all, it's been three years. I can be around my ex. I'm totally cool.
Hey, stranger. how are you, mama? Abby, hey, it's been a minute. What's new?
I'm actually in the best place I've been in a long time. Yeah, I'm with someone new, and life is pretty rad. how have you been? you look like hell. Just kidding. just kidding. you look awesome. yeah, I've been good. working out a lot. Oh, hey, thanks for paying me back about my car getting fixed. yeah, sorry I threw that kettlebell through your windshield. I had a lot to process, but now I can look at you with no attachment, and I think that's pretty frickin'' rad.
Sorry, babe, the line for the bathroom was crazy.
Madison, this is Abby. Oh, hi. Oh, you two are together? Well, congrats. you got yourself a stunning girlfriend. this is my fiance. your fiance?
I just had that thing with my eyes where I'd have to poke it over. I don't, but if you say so. yeah, yeah.
So, how did you two meet? We met on a little cruise. well, it wasn't a cruise for me.
I'm a Boson on below deck. Okay, that's my dream job. Abby, are you okay? yeah, no, I'm fine. it's not my thing again. I'm fine.
I might just have to hold him. you guys can kiss if you want. I don't give a rat's ass. we're really not trying to kiss at this moment. So, how do you guys know each other? Oh, my God, girl, how long do you have? Abby and I went on a one date in 2019.
Okay. excuse me. We went on three dates. it was dinner, a movie, and a walk. the walk was from dinner to the movie. the whole thing was, like, two hours. Okay, irregardless. Graham and I have history, but now I think we're killing this friends thing. Bumble?
Well, we're moving next month, but you'll have to come visit us if we're ever in New Orleans. where'd the saints go marching?
Oh, my God, Abby, do you need a tissue? No. no, you guys, these are Abby chairs. these are Abby chairs.
Oh, thanks. I mean, happy, too. it feels like a great place to raise a kid. you're pregnant? Yes! we're due in August, but maybe we should talk about something else. I'm starting to feel bad. you shouldn't. it was one date. Okay, look. okay, none of that matters now, because, like I said, I am in a relationship, and it's so good. he's a little bit older, and he's totally ripped. Abby, that's great for you. I'm happy.
Hey, baba. sorry I'm late. Yo, is this guy bothering you? do you need me to beat him up? Because I definitely could. wait, that's your boyfriend? it's totally good! |
cracked | what_your_favorite_video_game_says_about_you_after_hours | I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry.
I just got really caught up playing Fallout. I didn't know you liked video games. Michael's the video game one.
I don't! It's a big glowing red weak spot on my pop culture knowledge. That joke scans, right? Video game bosses still have glowing red weak spots?
Aha! I knew it! Squire! Fetch my crossbow!
Everything that I don't understand is a strike against my ability to contribute to future hypothetical conversations. I must minimize that risk at all costs. You've taken a hobby that millions of people enjoy casually every day and turned it into a stressful academic exercise. I'm almost afraid to ask, but what are your findings?
Video games are weird. This is just phase one of my study, so I'm just exploring sandbox games right now. Sandbox games are non-linear experiences where players are encouraged to explore an open world at their own pace.
Fallout is my favorite. A post-apocalyptic radioactive wasteland seems like an odd fit for you. You always struck me as a Tetris and glass of milk kind of guy. It is a post-apocalyptic wasteland, yes.
But pretty soon you realize that the real fallout is the friends you make along the way. Hi. No one's ever stuck their neck out for me. You're a hell of a friend, you know that?
I helped a girl kick her drug addiction, and then she got stronger. And then she had sex with me, and then I got stronger.
Yeah, it can be tough to describe video game exploits without making yourself sound super creepy. Don't worry though, you'll get it. The rest of the game is spent mostly building and defending settlements so that the people who live there will finally love me. Basically, there are four factions vying for control of radioactive future Boston, and they all love me. And then at the end of the game, I get to decide which one I agree with, and then they live when I beat the game. Okay, I see. So it's like a popularity simulator. All the cliques in high school want you to be their leader, and whoever you end up choosing... Destroys everyone else with nuclear weapons.
My flesh! It's melting off! Oh no!
Yes, that's why I like it. Plenty of video games have power fantasies that involve guns or spaceships, but the fallout fantasy is that your decisions matter, that you matter. Ma'am, I would like... Isn't that the fantasy of every single video game? Who would play a video game where nothing you do matters? 54 million people. That's how many people bought Grand Theft Auto 5. I just happened to be googling it, and it like synced up perfectly. But in that game, you can do anything.
You can steal cars, you can ride bikes, you can skydive, you can play darts for some weird reason. You can get drunk, you can get in a fistfight with a cop, and there are absolutely no consequences. I don't like my life with fewer strippers and more dead strippers. You can't really die in that world or cause any permanent damage to the city, but you can stack a bunch of yachts and a pyramid on a highway and launch a jetliner through the center, and all you get is a slap on the ass on your way out of the police station front door.
The hardest thing about privilege is knowing when you have it. If you log into GTA Online, you see all the other players driving around, and it's immediately obvious they're playing by completely different rules than the non-player characters around them. Your character doesn't know that, because they lack the perspective. See, without that omniscient perspective, you can't perceive privilege. Invisible privilege.
Okay, so then what's the deal with World of Warcraft then? That's the biggest sandbox game there is. That's got the no consequence thing from GTA, but you're also going on these quests for people, and don't think there are any jetliners in it. There are a lot of trolls, maybe you could step in. I think World of Warcraft is more about accomplishment. I mean, you bust your ass killing boar after boar until suddenly you level up, and there's a flash of gold light and a burst of weird magic noise, and then bam, you're stronger, and you can shoot lightning out your nose.
It really makes you feel like you actually did something. He's basically right. I mean, nothing comes out of your nose, and actually World of Warcraft is a very noble, respectful way to spend one's time. But yeah, other than that, Binderboy's point is technically correct.
Oh, it's a skitter box! It's when you put a rat in a box with a lever, and when it hits the lever, it gets food, so it learns to love that lever.
It does make sense that a game whose profit is based on paid monthly subscriptions would use the addiction model. Jeez, video games are evil. Yeah, maybe I don't need to learn about games.
Maybe this could be one of those weak spots that actually makes me stronger. That's a saying, right? No. That, which makes you weakest, actually makes you strongest. Whatever makes you weaker.
Yeah, video games aren't evil. I mean, just look at the best-selling computer game of all time. That's just Doom. Minecraft! Oh, yeah. See, that's the only game we've talked about tonight that is 100% about building things instead of manipulating them or forcing them to be friends with you. I mean, even if you haven't played the game, you've seen what people have built in it. You scale models of ancient Greece and New York, an actual working computer inside the game. It's a goddamn set from Game of Thrones.
I mean, I understand what you're saying, obviously, but I also don't exactly, so maybe be clear. So a lot of video games indulge our impulse to kill or to murder or to explodeify. I'm kind of the same thing. But then a game came along that said, here are tools and a possibly infinite amount of things you can build. And we made that computer game the highest-selling game of all time by buying the ever-loving crap out of it. Because at the end of the day, our deepest desire, our greatest impulse, is to work together, to try and build something. That's kind of great, right? It's probably a bad time to mention. I also really like Call of Duty. Oh, my God, the knots. Yeah, you use them for stabbing mostly. Do you want to come over and play video games with me?
Yeah. Yeah? Oh, no. I'm not if we're going to play Call of Duty. Okay. Well, Michael and I are going to play Call of Duty, so you guys can settle us and build, right? Yeah.
You're going to hate it. It's the creation of history. Oh, no. Hey, everyone. Thanks for watching whatever video this is.
We are crack.com. And we're excited to tell you that starting this Saturday, we're going to be going from five to six videos a week, every week from now until the end of time, because we've just got so much. So stick around every Saturday for more jokes and make-em-ups from us. We are now on the set of our Breakfast Club remake. We're very inattentive to the source material. I like that six is the most videos we'll ever do.
But thanks from now until the end of time. It's just six. We made it. There could never be any more than six.
Subscribe. I was being Ally Sheedy just now. |
cracked | we_remade_doctor_strange_2_for_20 | Every night, I dream the same dream. What's wrong, Strange? And then the day choking begins.
Are you happy? Of course I'm happy. Why wouldn't I be happy?
We've come to control everything, Strange. You're wrong. I did what I had to do. To protect our world. Wanda. I need your help. I have a boyfriend.
What do you know about the multiverse? His had his theories. What if the multiverse?
It's just madness. It's fucking madness. The multiverse is madness.
Strange. You have been burying Illuminati. We should tell him the truth. You're adopted! Turns out the biggest threat to our universe is... We don't know who or what we'll walk through. Things just got out of hand. Strange is so toxic.
Oh, if only I had my crystals. I can't control my powers. You can. I can't control my power. I can't control my powers.
You can. I'll just help. You break the rules and become a hero. It was the only way. I do it and I'm the enemy. That doesn't seem fair. Fortify your mind!
Vow to your sensei.
OmGy Things just got out of hand. See you later. What's long string? I dreamt that there's no more bookings at the lodge for the 2-4-1 massager Vow to your sensei. Let's go! BEEP LAUGHTER Tort economist Anything for the movies BEEP |
programmersarealsohuman | i_visit_startup_ | Can you actually hotbox in the metaverse? Can I ask anybody if they know what hotboxing in the metaverse means? Yeah, smoking weed and getting high in a box. Jermaine, what was your best experience in this? Hotbox in the metaverse?
But how does it work? Do you do it before? I don't think it does. It doesn't work? That can be a business idea. There's no windows in the box? Do you not eventually die?
Today we're going to talk about the metaverse. The metaverse. It is not just a 3D internet universe, but also the project Meta spent 15 billion dollars on and now nobody uses it.
I meet with TikTok influencer Gordon Midwood, CEO of Anything World, that wants to revolutionize how people create 3D games. To learn more about this bubble, GM. Gordon, thank you for having me in your office.
Absolutely. Let me take on a little tour. You want to zoom in on there? Anything World? That's our friendly logo. Please do your plug. Anything World?
Gordon, what are these? These are retro games consoles. So it's an N64, Pokemon limited edition N64. We've got some old game consoles here.
Right. So how many hours of investor money do your employees usually spend on this? Well, on gaming. Are these your engineers? Yeah. Jermaine is a 3D modeler. Super talented guy. No offense, but the monitors in this four look very different. Ah, that's where we do our streaming stuff. Okay. So it's not like the good engineers aren't here and the other ones aren't.
And the bad engineers, no, it's not. It's not. No.
And where are we now? Upstairs.
So you can see more people working, in marketing, in your business. So these are not engineers? They are not engineers. How many non-engineers do you have?
We have, it's a good question, we have about 10. And how many people of them do you plan to keep once you become a unicorn? All of them. So we are like, we try to foster a very supportive and happy team.
And this is the Anything World panel in Unity. So I can show you how it works if you like. The AI, what name, Siri or Alexa? Oh, it doesn't have a specific name.
Okay. I'll do it for you. You ready? Go.
Good evening, generic conversational AI. Please create 300 chimpanzees jumping around uncontrollably in a courtroom. I'm trying to recreate the US government. Oh, all it's got is good evening, generic conversational AI.
Right, so it got that part at least. It got that part, but I can. Can I try a simple game maybe? Yeah, for sure. So can we start with the AI first? I think I understood the concept there. Where's your war room? Well, we're kind of running out of space, it's a bit of an issue. Right, I see that. It's a little bit small, but you will get there.
Thank you.
You ready? Good evening, generic conversational AI. Oh, we had that already. Yeah, I mean, you're almost getting it. Well, now you confused it with you almost getting it. No, now you confuse it by saying good evening, generic competition with AI. So there's still room for potential with this? Yeah, definitely, definitely.
Do you do Taco Thursday? No. Watermelon Wednesday? No. Salmon Saturday? But do you work on Saturdays? No. You don't? No.
Can you try for me maybe? Yeah. Obviously, I wouldn't do it myself. I would give it to people on Fiverr, but let's try.
Let's make an underwater world and add 20 sharks. So that should change the environment into an underwater world and add some sharks.
There you can see. And now if you wanted to add something in here. But who created the models? You sent this out to Fiverr and somebody did this just now? No, so those models are publicly available models that we animate using artificial intelligence. We just make 3D models available to everybody, animated 3D models. And then you build what you like with it. You can also build 3D NFTs, which I'm sure you're into, on Solana or whatever. We can build 3D NFTs with this?
Yeah. You are telling me now. We've been here for one hour. Yes, we can.
300 chimpanzees. Is that how you spell chimpanzees?
I think so. There they are. Let me sit down. I cannot believe this. What is this for?
A chair. That is a chair that protects your back. You see my excellent posture? And that's to do with the chair. Can I try the chair?
We could add some humans in here or we could, you know. So could I sell this game? Yeah, you can publish this to the App Store or to Steam or console, whatever you want. I mean, right now, can you export it and publish it? I don't think it's quite finished yet. I mean, it's good. I have like enough Twitter followers that we can actually sell this.
Sebastian is the co-founder of the company, super talented artist. Pigeon is one of his as well.
Do you have any other perks that I might be interested in? If you were to work with us, as an investor, you just get percentage of the company, t-shirt and email. Just a side question. How many weeks of runway do you have left?
We got a fair bit. We managed to raise seven and a half million dollars last year, which was lucky or rather fortunate. Money, like we're talking about ethos. We did take some investment in USDT.
Right. Yeah.
Because we have some quite interesting crypto investors. So we do have Web3 and crypto people involved with us because you can use us to build whatever you want. And your knowledge there may be helpful for us.
Do you think you can supply this as an option? I think that would be good. I was actually thinking of buying one. And then what happened?
This is not a separate space. No, this is the same. It's a hybrid space and it's a mixed space. Right. And who works here in this space? I mean, you can still fit some people to do some basic work. Sure. We can make space.
How much GPU is in this computer? What? You don't know the GPU in this one?
Do you mine Bitcoin with this? No, actually I don't know what they do with this. But could you be mining Bitcoins with this? Do you know how to mine Bitcoins?
No. This guy is very concerned with legality of things. I don't think he has the right spirit for a billion dollar company.
You know, I was once a normal engineer just like you, working for a small, fragile company. Just like you.
And I was once making, how much do you make approximately? Okay, I was making much more than that.
Thank you so much for coming along and thanks for your interest in anything wild. I appreciate it. And yeah. Thank you. Hopefully we can work together in the future.
Guy Lenton, GM. I will be honest. The presence of only five people in the office had me skeptical in the beginning. But I understood that the key to every successful startup is to offer a game room, making up half the space of a tiny and comfortable office with horrible chairs and without a PlayStation 5 so that all engineers play from home. What a great strategy! you |
TheOnion | Horrified_Subway_Execs_Assumed_People_Were_Buying_Footlongs_To_Share_With_A_Friend | The Subway restaurant chain has reacted with shock this week after executives discovered that many customers are apparently purchasing foot-long sandwiches and eating the entire 12 inches by themselves. A spokesperson for the company addressed reporters this morning. This is not how our products are intended to be consumed. Our foot-long subs have always been meant to be shared among two or more friends. Eating an entire foot of food shouldn't be possible for most people, but they've been doing it somehow, and it needs to stop. To encourage healthier eating habits, Subway is clarifying its marketing, adjusting language on menus and in television commercials like this one. Five dollar foot-longs? Wow, that's $2.50 per person. Subway's corporate leadership says they were horrified to learn of the misunderstanding. It's honestly frightening. I mean, you don't see people eating entire pizzas by themselves. We even cut the foot-longs in half into two regular sized sandwiches before handing them to you. But I guess that wasn't clear enough. And of course, this story comes on the heels of other fast food restaurants clearing up their own marketing campaigns. A new Burger King commercial shows the Chicken Club sandwich as it was intended to be eaten slowly and in small bites throughout an entire day. And just last week, Taco Bell clarified that its restaurants are open until 1 a.m. or later in case you have an emergency where you need more dog food and all the stores are closed.
Next up, a new study finds the average duration of sex is humiliating. |
cracked | the_terrifying_reason_why_pennies_still_exist | Find a penny pick it up all day long you'll have good luck unless of course pennies are actually the source of our country's debt Not very lucky Those cute little tinkling copper colored coins are actually hurting our economy just by making them now how does making money lose us some money you might ask I'll tell you because The penny although the penny was the first currency of any type authorized by the United States You have to keep in mind that the penny was five times heavier than today's adorable little penny But since then more than 300 billion one cent coins have been minted since 1787 and they just keep getting thinner and smaller and most importantly of less value penny. What's with that? You didn't need to lose weight be proud of that you met a little body You look great the first penny was made of 100% copper pretty valuable and pretty nice now pennies are made of ninety seven point five percent sink and two point five percent copper sink was much cheaper than copper But now zinc is becoming even more rare and thus more expensive to get probably because we made so many damn pennies So now we're running out not necessarily making the penny more valuable just making it more expensive to make so now eight Billion pennies only adds up to eight million dollars Why would our money not add up to what our money should add up to because the penny is?
Pointless and almost worthless the average American wage was twenty two dollars an hour in 2012 So it's literally pointless for a majority of Americans to pick up a penny Because their time is more valuable than the act of picking up that penny It's probably more beneficial to just vine yourself burping because you could actually make more money doing that you know if it goes viral Come on internet Take my burping vine and then when you add the cost of labor that it takes to make pennies it now costs two point five cents per penny we make in 2014 the US taxpayer lost 105 million dollars in pennies and nickels Yeah, because nickels are kind of dicks to screw you to nickel and here's the creepy thing politicians Know it's a waste Obama literally said anytime we're spending more money on something that people don't actually use That's an example of something we should probably change, but we still have them that would be like if we kept floppy disks There's no point but Jarden corporations who is the exclusive zinc provider for our pennies tends to back a lot of certain pro penny lobbyists In Congress got a lot of big business the main argument pro penny lobbyists make against discarding The penny is the rounding tax argument which states that Retailers in the world without pennies would affect the poor and young who are more likely to spend the money using penny So maybe you're saying yeah Don't affect the poor and young But maybe we could be giving them more than pennies if we stopped wasting money making pennies just a thought besides a study in 2006 that looked at the hundreds of thousands of transactions found that after all other taxes and fees were added rounding prices to the nearest nickel actually Benefited customers Chipotle began rounding up to the nearest nickel to speed up their lines and then realized customers were not gonna deal with that And that it wasn't beneficial fiscally. So now they've rounded down. So we pay pennies less for our burrito Chipotle gets it. We have the power in our money spending hands and our burrito eating mouths Tastes like victory in a tortilla But if that study isn't enough we can just check out our neighbor Canada who phased out the penny in 2013 not impressed by Canada successfully saving money by cutting the penny Well, you can always check out Britain France Israel New Zealand Norway and sweet We've all gotten rid of their smallest units of currency We even got rid of making the $1 coin, which is saving taxpayers 50 million dollars a year So not only did we sort of do it, but everyone else is doing it This might be a time to succumb to peer pressure if it means that we can save 105 million dollars that we can put Towards school or rebuilding crumbling buildings or helping reduce our carbon footprint housing the homeless instead of tossing them pennies on the street We don't need pennies that bad clearly other countries are doing fine without them Let us know what you think the US could do with that extra money by losing the penny and tweet hashtag screw the penny. Let's extravagant burrito party Thanks for watching Please subscribe to cracked comms videos or if you want to comment and recommend some you know different types of burritos that we could use at the Extravagant burrito party that we're gonna do because we've decided that's what we're gonna do with 105 million dollars, right? |
dropout | the_facebook_history_of_the_world_part_1 | College Humors, a history of the world via Facebook's News Feed. The Big Bang to the Dawn of Man. Aw yeah, stuff's about to get cool and crazy up in and infinitely around here.
I'm new here, what should I do? Oh, you should meet my friend, Water. He's new too.
Oh hey, let's chill. Okay, I love you so much. I want to put some continents in you. Hey. L-O-L, look at this furry, hot garbage. I'm in charge here. Hey.
Ahhh.
No way are these careless biped nerds gonna last. Check it out, we can make fire now. Hashtag homo, get it practice. Ah shit.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
dropout | nerdy_new_york_nerd_alert | Welcome back to Nerd Alert, brought to you by the Sony Ericsson Xperia Play 4G. I am Jeff Rubin, and every holiday season literally trillions of people visit New York City. But where are the places to go for people that don't like going places? Today we are going to take a look at the nerdy underground of New York, including Barcade, the only bar you can go to to avoid social interaction.
We are also going to be taking a look at the theater. One of Broadway's hottest tickets is Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark, but what about a show for people that actually like comic books? Comic Book Club at the People's Improv Theater is a weekly talk show where people argue about comic books. We'll find out if arguing about them on stage is more fun than arguing about them over the internet.
And if you want to go to a store with a wall of Super Nintendo games but don't have access to a time machine, you have to go to Video Games New York. They have everything from games your mom wouldn't buy you as a kid to games you cannot afford now. Let's head over and check it out. Most video game retailers currently have maybe a Call of Duty sign in the window, maybe something with Skyrim. Does Video Games New York have joystick spare parts organized by size? And the best part? We're not even inside yet. I am here with Julio, the owner of Video Games New York.
Julio, it seems like you guys have everything here. Right behind us, there's a links, there's a CD-i. Do you guys have 32X? Yeah, we do.
I was going to ask if you have a Virtual Boy. Not only do you have a Virtual Boy, right behind you there's the Virtual Boy promotional stand of all these systems that you have in the store. Which is the most popular? What are people coming in and buying games for?
You know, it goes by period. In this moment, Nintendo 64. Interesting. Last year, probably Super Nintendo. Before that, original Nintendo. Do you anticipate it becomes PlayStation 2 in a few years? It will. What is this thing? Like, if you turn it on, does it combine all three games into one super the best game ever?
How do you actually price these games? Because I was looking around and I noticed the average Super Nintendo game is, let's say, it's about $20 in this store, or something like that. No, it's lower. I would say the average is probably around $10. So when I see something that's higher than $10, like Pilotwings is $25. Is that the market recognizing that Pilotwings is an above average game?
Sometimes yes, sometimes not. I mean, you have to consider where we might have that. So, you know, we can't compete, and no interest to compete with, you know, an in-base store or a guy in Montana. There are certain games that it really, it's pretty much impossible to give them stock. So like what's an example of one of those? Oh, easily.
Mario Kart 64. Mario Kart 64 is hard to find?
It's not hard to find. It's hard to find. It's hard to keep any stock. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, that is a game that is definitely more expensive, the market price, and still we can keep any stock.
Beat it. This one sucks. Beat it.
What is the most money a single person has ever spent after coming into this store? I remember people spending a few thousands, you know, that is the most money. Is that like on 500 Nintendo games? Or are they buying a few things that are very expensive? You know what? It's a mix. Sometimes people really buy an insane amount of games. People come and buy maybe, you know, 80 games or 70 games or, you know, it's just a really thing.
And they're just like, see you next year. If any sort of I Am Legend situation ever actually breaks out in Manhattan, this is where I want to be.
Before we start talking, I asked you what the most expensive thing in the store was, and you said it's not actually in the store, and you needed 15 minutes to run down to the bank. You got it out for us, which I really appreciate. Can we talk about that? Absolutely. What is that?
At least, you know, this is the World Championship in 1990, Nintendo. This is the 1990 Nintendo World Championship cartridge. This is the one that they use for this famous, you know, World Championship.
Can we see it? Absolutely. I think this is sort of the holy grail of video game collecting. It is. It's always been. You know, if you want it as the gold version of the same game, that is even more rare, but it's the same game. So this was a prize that someone won at the Nintendo World Champion.
How did you come into owning it? Circumstances. The guy was one of our customers. He was pretty much merely after the Katrina, and his house was in New Orleans, and he had to go to New Orleans back, try to save the cartridge from the safe. Wow. And he said, I don't want to go through this another time.
I want to sell it. I want to sell it to someone that is going to keep it, that I know you guys are not going to sell it. How do you price something like this? There's only so many of them. You don't. In reality, the price market, for now, from my point of view, and it's personal, it's really low. If you sell it correctly, because you know it's warranty, you know, they know exactly where it comes from. You can probably sell now between $12,000 and $15,000, $16,000, $17,000, maybe. $1,000. $1,000. $1,000.
Yes. Not like rupees or gold coins. No. Try to think that, you know, the number one of Superman in comics is about a million dollars. Right. So, I guess from now, $15,000, $17,000, $20,000, sounds very low to me.
This is like a long-term investment, and, you know, it's part of our museum, something that we don't want to sell. Can we move in? I want to see if we can get a shot of this.
This is Cutthroat Island for the Game Gear. This is like a failure sandwich. And the most incredible part is it still costs twice as much as the game next to it. That's how bad Game Gear games got. This is a development kit.
Oh my God. Okay.
This is like $50,000 worth of PlayStation 2 emote. That's how they, you know, they create game for PS2. So this is the kind of thing, like, if you're even the biggest video game fan, you just don't see this stuff in stores. You never have access to something like this. No, you don't. Video games are a piece of American culture.
So I make a point for our store to have some of this stuff, because this makes the difference between a retail store and a cultural space. We want to keep some of that historical value of what video games have in the United States. This stuff is on display, so it's like a museum, but also you can buy the things if you really like them. That's exactly the concept of the store. Well, thank you so much for having us at the store. You're welcome. Let's go see a show.
This is the last issue. 52 weeks, 52 issues.
Did it come together? Did you like it? It wasn't worth it. No.
Comic Book Club is a weekly talk show where people discuss the latest comic books on stage. I'm here with the host of Comic Book Club, Alex Zalvin.
Thanks for being here, Alex. Hey, thanks for having me, Jeff.
Now, you guys have had a lot of exciting guests on the show. You had Bill Willingham in Creative Fables. You had Andrew W.K., who created everything. Who have been some of your favorite guests? We've had so many amazing guests on the show. We've been doing it for almost five years at this point. Brian Michael Bendis, who's the author of Ultimate Spider-Man, currently writing all of the Avengers books. We've also had people like Bill Hader and Seth Meyers from Sarrant Live.
Kevin Conroy, voice of Batman on Batman the Animated Series and literally every other Batman thing ever. Yeah, he's still doing the voice in Arkham City. He is, exactly. Did he do the Batman voice for you guys? He did.
People always ask us, what's our number one favorite thing for the show? Him coming out and saying, I am vengeance. I am the night on stage.
I just wanted to point out that, you know, new Fantastic Four and there's six people. But now is Galactus the villain or is he part of the team? Because if you have Galactus on the team, the rest of the guys can kind of stay home.
Do you read everything that comes out every week? Oh, I try not to. But, yeah, I do. I mean, I come home from the comic book store with a stack pretty much this big. And every week I say, no, this is my last week. I'm just a couple next week. It's like drugs. Are you ever like, oh my god, I cannot believe I have to read all these comic books before this week's show? Oh, yeah. I always hate telling people that, but there are times when you just get sick and tired of saying, oh, I have to read all these superhero comic books at home. When are you going to find the time?
What kind of people come to the show? The worst people. No, great people. Do you have, like, hecklers and they're like, Spider-Man sucks.
Absolutely. That's actually one of my favorite parts about the show is the fans can't help but shout out during the show. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. Because you're arguing about comic books. Exactly. And these are people, I'm assuming, who have their own opinions on comic books.
Yeah, and we try to make it a show. I mean, it's not people screaming at each other for a solid hour. But there are people in the audience. They contribute. They yell out stuff. If we don't know a fact, they correct us.
I really love this book. And I just love when any time the little girl, she has the coolest superpower. She has a superpower that's kind of similar to my superpower. It's like, she freaks out, gets super strong, and then is instantly tired. I'm like the same way, but with just, like, small activities.
You guys have a five-year anniversary come up. You've been doing the show since 2007. Have you seen changes in the comic book industry just since you've started doing the show?
Absolutely. The biggest one, I would say, is when we started off the show, myself and the two other hosts, Pete and Justin, sort of sussed each other out privately so that we, you know, had comic book bags and kind of felt like, OK, this is it. We're coming out on stage as comic book geeks. And now it's kind of cool to be a comic book geek. Yeah. And we did that. But in the first couple of weeks of doing the show, we got a write-up in The New York Times from the guy who was the comic book fan there saying, wow, there's a live show about comic books. And we talked to him about it.
And he said, yeah, I'm always trying to push through stories. I'm always trying to just get stuff in. And now there's comic book stories in The New York Times and the mainstream press all the time. So the show is Comic Book Club weekly every Tuesday here at the People's Improv Theater here in the Flatiron District.
Thanks so much for being on Nerd Alert, Alex. Thank you for having me.
Let's head to Barcade. We are at Barcade in Brooklyn, where drinking and playing Donkey Kong isn't just socially acceptable. It's actually encouraged. This is Paul, the owner of Barcade.
Paul, this is an incredible collection of games you have here, obviously put together by someone who knows arcade games. How do you decide which games to get? Well, my partners and I kind of have a never-ending list of games that we're always looking for and kind of pull from that list and rotate in and out, trying to balance some really more popular ones of the era and some rarities and more kind of unusual titles. But everything is really mostly from the golden period of games, which is like 1979, 1984. Would you ever consider having a second bar that has maybe some 90s games? You know, you get T2, the arcade machine.
Well, we do throw a few 90s titles in. I mean, mostly 90% of what we do is from those five years. But then we have Smash TV here, which is 1990. So we sprinkle a few of those in.
Why stick to the early 80s golden age games? Well, when you talk to anyone who's into classic arcade games and people who collect games, this is like the period of games where, obviously, they were at the most popular. arcades were a big deal back then. But games are more creative. This is before really fighting games and first-person shooters took over. And really, at that point, every game in the arcade was like a fighting game. But these games are all hard to describe and hard to really understand. Satan's Hollow, this looks like the haunted game someone might get stuck in in the video game episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?
What is the most popular game in the bar? Most popular games vary from Night to Night. Ms. Pac-Man and Galaga, Tetris are really popular. The classics. Yeah, Rampage is really popular, because three people can play together and destroy. Yeah, fun while you're drinking, too.
Destroyed Midwestern US, so.
Not Donkey Kong? Donkey Kong's pretty popular, but we have a lot of really serious Donkey Kong players who come in, put a quarter in, and they're playing for five hours. Right, like Hank Shen, who set the record for Donkey Kong.
Yeah, briefly, you practiced here. We talked to him about that. Yeah, he plays here a lot. And really, the nights when he's here, we don't pull many quarters out of the game at the end of the night.
Look at this. They have tables in between the machines so you can put your drink down while you're playing the game. Think about how great that is. I used to need friends. arcades are kind of notorious for just having like sticky buttons here and there, but these games are all very well-maintained. How do you do that in a bar environment? I'm glad you think so. You should read some of our Yelp reviews.
I think the games here are more well-maintained than your average pizza parlor. Well, we try to take good care of them, and we do a lot of our own maintenance. You know, a lot of times, in like a pizza place or whatever, they're partnering with a vending company, so they have to wait for them to come out to make any repairs to the joystick. They maybe even can't even get into the machine. So we own all our own games, so we're constantly trying to maintain them. Plus, we try to stay up on it. I mean, it's one thing to have a game in an arcade that people are gonna be playing and a bang on it. We're serving beer here and a lot of it.
That's it for this episode of Nerd Alert. If you've made it this far into the video, there's a pretty good chance you'll also enjoy my podcast, The Jeff Rubin Jeff Rubin Show, where I interview nerd heroes like the guy that created Settlers of Catan and a Magic the Gathering champion. Nerd Alert will return as a series of specials. And even though we're not doing the show weekly anymore, I'm still going to say, here is CGY, our bad special effects of the week. Later, losers. |
TheOnion | Report_76_Of_Sleepaway_Campers_Parents_Beginning_Trial_Separation | A new report released this week by the U.S. Administration for Children and Families has found that nearly three-quarters of sleep-away campers' parents are currently using their children's time away from home to take the first steps towards filing for divorce. Our research shows that as the nation's campers enjoy water balloon fights and capture the flag, 76% of their parents are initiating trial separations in what signs indicate will overwhelmingly result in divorce, with 46% of campers' moms currently staying with their sisters while they try to figure shit out, and 38% of campers' dads sleeping on the living room couch and staring at the ceiling for hours before falling asleep. While a significant portion of campers have been disturbed by the fact that mom's been crying a lot lately and dad hasn't been home much, most campers are, at this precise moment, wholly unaware that their fathers are looking for temporary sublets and are experiencing a level of carefree, joyful buoyancy that, experts say, they will never feel again. The majority of campers currently have, on average, 16 days until their lives come crashing down around them, at which point their parents will pick them up from camp, drive them to a restaurant, and then break the news that while they'll always be a family, they won't be living together anymore. I love camp this year. It's so much fun. We were waiting for Justin to go away to camp to figure out what we were going to do.
I don't know. I just don't know. I'm trying. I thought you said you weren't going to leave until Saturday. You know what? Whatever.
Just go, Rob. Just get the fuck out of here already. Just get out.
Mom sent me so many care packages. Dad even sent one. It's awesome. |
dropout | his_netflix_is_f_cked_up | Oh, you have a nice apartment. Yeah, well, uh, I like nice things. Listen, I'm going to use the bathroom, but why don't you make yourself at home? Okay. I know I shouldn't snoop, but... What's up? Hey, I'm at his apartment. I'm looking at his Netflix. And?
He likes the new girl in Hitler. Ew, Zooey Deschanel is the worst.
Uh-oh, he watches anime. Like, weird anime? I don't know, all anime looks a little pervy.
Hey, I was going to make myself a drink. Do you want one? Yeah, that'd be great. Oh, you want to watch a movie?
This one's really good. I love the animation. Oh, thank God he watches it for the animation.
I'm starting to think he was some kind of... Can incest be artistic? No. I didn't think so.
Shit, more Hitler. March a mile in mine's shoes. Hitler and Nazi Bill Clinton, Jesus. Maybe his a history buff? He watched 42 minutes of a documentary called Healing Yourself with Angels. And Girl with a Dragon Tattoo, just the rape scene. He gave it five stars. Kentucky or Tennessee? Um, whatever you're having. Based on your interest in documentaries about suicide cults. Rape, taco, Hitler, cha. Which apparently is some sort of Nazi tentacle hentai. Because you watched old Yeller. And re-watched the part where the dog got shot.
Oh my God, he's a serial killer. I am trapped in the apartment of a handsome sociopathic serial killer.
Sorry. I know there's a lot of weird stuff on there. But if I'm being totally honest, I share a Netflix account with my ex-girlfriend. That's seriously fucked up. Call me when it's over, over. |
dropout | can_you_tell_a_sports_drink_from_a_body_wash | You ever notice how sports drinks sound exactly like body washes I have I spent a lot of time in CVS We're gonna play a game each person's gonna get a cup of sports drink and a cup of body wash and we'll have to Decide based on name alone, whether it's drinkable or soap. Welcome to sports drink or body wash Our first contestant is Emily Axford and Emily will be deciding between Pacific surge and high tide I Am so scared to be Search sounds more aggressive. Hi, it sounds like laundry. Oh fuck. I'm trying to read Owen's face for tell I'm gonna have this smile on the entire time I'm gonna go for high tide It was so no All right, our next contestant is Pat castles and he's deciding between game day and gold medal Even if it is a sports work, I don't want to drink something that is called that game day is like the least delicious sounding thing Next up is samurai and Sam will be drinking either ice dive or ice storm If you dive if you're in a storm you're opening your mouth to the No, ice dive is the drink. I'm gonna drink. I style Next up is Evan Watkins and Evan will be choosing either citrus burst or island burst Nobody really Washes with a citrus set.
I don't feel I feel like that's yes, they do Shabok washes with a lemon every morning It was a drink We got Dave Kearns up and Dave Kearns gets to decide between glacier freeze and Arctic ice Glacier freeze is the Next up is Dan Gerwich Daniel will be choosing between ice punch and peach iced tea Guess that peach iced tea is so on the nose as a flavor that it's like an ironic soap name Because it was just peach iced tea and it was peach iced tea. That's like too easy The worst part of this So this peach iced tea that is peach iced. All right drinking peach iced tea Wait a minute, I just did the opposite what I said Except this Brian Ramsey's Pharrell Murphy and Murph will choose between Fiji and Fiji I Was like should I swallow this as a joke and it just tasted like poison it's okay the other one was soaked too |
TheOnion | Has_Obama_Failed_To_Reduce_Hostility_Toward_Obnoxious_Americans_Abroad | I'm Juliana McCandless, filling in for Clifford Bains, who sawed his fingers off building a birdhouse.
When President Obama took the oath of office, many thought it would improve the image of America around the world, but a new report finds American tourists traveling abroad are still often treated poorly. Has Obama failed to change the image of the U.S.? Well, unfortunately, yes. When Obama was first elected, everyone was led to believe that from then on, an American could go into any pub in London, rip off his shirt, and chant, USA, USA. Yeah, despite all of Obama's campaign promises, that poor American is still getting kicked out of the bar. Well, that's not Obama's fault.
It's Bush's. I mean, come on. It's going to take time before Americans are free to throw garbage onto the street from their hotel balconies again. Is this true? Are we in for even more years of anti-American sentiment? Well, I'll tell you what.
In my experience, it doesn't matter how much effort you put in to try to bridge the cultural divide. You can point at your crotch, make sucking noises at a Spanish girl in a disco, but if she even suspects you're American, she'll turn and walk away, pretend like she doesn't understand what you mean. Then should we even bother trying to change America's reputation? Well, I don't think it's worth it. But it wouldn't take that much effort.
For example, when I was in Rome, I rented one of those little scooters, and I happened to run over a child who was crossing the street. But I called mea copa, mea copa, as I drove away. Now, that child is going to remember for the rest of his life that Americans are polite if he survives. Well, luckily, even if some people don't like Americans, you can still enjoy yourself in other countries.
I took these photos on my recent trip to Europe. Here I am in London. Oh, how fun! That's nice. Here I am in Paris. Oh, look at you. And here I am in Rome. You have found something. You really, really know how to enjoy yourself, Juliana. |
SaturdayNightLive | shirtless_bible_salesmen_snl | Hey there, pretty lady. my name's Leif Barrett. this is my partner, Kent State. we're shirtless and we sell bibles. Now, you, you look like the kind of pretty lady who could use a bible, or 12. But seriously, how many bibles would you like to buy? Sorry, guys, I'm not interested in buying any bibles today. Well, that's bad news, because I'm planning on busting my ass to get you into a brand-new bible. Thanks, anyway. I don't need any bibles. maybe I can put it to you a little more clearly. this bible reeks of class. Okay? sophisticated little number. And dudes are gonna go nuts when you buy this and put it on your shelf. Yeah, you know, I'm married. I don't want dudes going nuts in my home. uh, but lady, this bible has pictures in it. Yeah, there's pictures of that guy, Jesus, and other bible guys from the olden days.
Yeah. why aren't you wearing any shirts? Bibles, don't wear shirts. Why should we? Because you're gross. Yeah. You know what's not gross? the bible. Oh, damn it. you anticipate my every move, you know that? you must be really good at checkers.
How about this?
What if every Bible came with a brick of gold? would you buy one? Of course. Okay. now take away the bar of gold. Do you still want one? No. okay, the gold's back. You want one now? of course.
Okay, what if I told you that I will remove my pants? If you'd buy a bible? then I would definitely not buy a bible. Okay, what if I told you that I would remove my underpants? would that sweeten the deal? No. what if I also. Okay, lady, how about this?
You see this watch? Yes. this is how much the Lord loves you. that doesn't make any sense. you know who does make sense? Who? Jesus. Mm-hmm. Jesus Martinez. he's our supervisor. right.
And he says that if we don't sell 1,500 bibles a week for a year, we owe him 700 grand. we signed four contracts saying we'd do this. Yep. and they all hold up in court. All of them. Why would you agree to that? Well, it all started when we picked up a ring of payphone and a laundromat. Yeah. this guy wanted to know if we wanted to buy a condo in Vegas. Yeah, so of course, you know, we're not crazy. right. we said yes.
And so we gave him all of our credit card numbers and that's how we met our best friend in the world, Jesus Martinez. Martinez. wait, wait. Jesus Martinez is your friend? I thought he was the guy that swindled you. Well, he is, but he's a good listener. every Friday night, we meet him at Taco Bell.
Taco Bell. and wait for him to tell us if they're going to build the condo or not. right. Oh, the condo's not even built yet? No, no. no. no, they might not even build it. And they're definitely not building it in Vegas. we know that much for a fact.
Yes, we know that. Yeah. in fact, if I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn't do it. You know what? I would do it over again.
But instead of buying a condo, I think I'd buy spinal cord medicine. What's wrong with your spine? Nothing that a little spinal cord medicine won't fix.
Okay. I'll tell you what. you let us stay in your house for a week. Good deal. all you have to do is buy 3,000 Bibles, even Steven. Get out. Come on. that's enough.
Lady, would you kick the Lord out of your house? Well, you're not the Lord. Yes, but if I was the Lord, would you pray to me? Hey, Kent, what if I also was the Lord? And then we'd have to have a Lord off. Dude, I would destroy you with my Jesus fingers.
And then I could have all the burritos I could eat. Oh, I'd have a super deep voice and good clothes. And I'd look in showers of women's doors with my Lord vision.
Oh, dude. I would use my Lordness to get out of three of the four contracts with Jesus Martinez. Oh, no, no, wait. if you're the Lord, why wouldn't you get out of all four? Well, you have to see that fourth contract, lady. it's a doozy. Yeah. Oh, good day, gentlemen. that's a good day. told you we should have worn shirts. you're right. come on. let's go untie that kid. thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | video_game_session_snl | Okay guys, thank you for being here to lay down some voiceover for the much anticipated Street Fighter 6 game. Excited to be here, Thanks. thrilled to be on board, Woo! And thanks for coming in last minute, Danny. our last actor, Frank, quit due to creative differences and because I slept with his wife. actors.
I know. So, Trace, you will be playing Ken, a former Us. National Fighting Champ. I'm totally in my element. I served for years. And Danny, you are a martial artist seeking true strength, Ryu. Love. Alright, well for this first take, let's just get both of you recording efforts. taking blows, landing hits, that kind of thing. I'm rolling. And action.
Yes, that's great. Danny, let's get the same from you. Okay. woo! yay! woo! Let's Cut! let's Cut. that was really fun. thanks for letting me play. Yeah, so I guess we were looking for more grunts, you know? you're fighting, you're in pain. Oh, I see. so maybe do it like you're fighting or you're in pain. Okay, got it, got it, got it.
No, no, Trace, you don't need to change what you were doing. But Danny, maybe it's more aggressive, animalistic, that kind of thing. Yes, Chef. alright, and action. Wait, Cut. Cut! Okay, no, Trace, don't match what he's doing. Okay, he's just an amazing scene partner, so no. Thank you, And I was just taking your note, you said to do animals. yeah, but I said a bunch of stuff before that.
Well, I have auditory recency bias, so you can't say that to me, I could sue you. Okay, guys, guys, please don't fight, it reminds me of the war and of fighting. You know what, let's just move on. we need to get these quick verbal phrases to say during the fight. and action.
Hey, I like your necklace. see, kindness wins. Yay, I forgot to ask, what are your pronouns? I'll tell him.
Guys, we can't use any of that. Aww, that makes me sad. is there a reason? Yes! it's because no one sounds like that when they fight. that's actually not true.
I mean, you remind me exactly of someone I served with in Iraq. Oh, you went to Iraq? where did you stay?
Damn! I didn't want to say this, but I just need to play him more hetero. Oh, okay, you should have just said that in the beginning. I got it, let's roll. Hey, Brother Ken, bicep's looking huge. you little pretty slowly yourself, bro. I saw you changing in the locker room, but I was completely soft, my dude. I didn't even know you knew my name.
Hey, easy, brother. my wife's on this app. what are you talking about? this isn't an app, it's a video game. a video game? Well then, brother, I'll race you to the Gamecube, Brother.
What? Danny, Danny! Answer me honestly, do you really think you would sound like this in a real fight? Yes, I would, brother. Oh my God, Frank, what are you doing here? Hey, I told you I'd kill you for sleeping with my wife. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, don't worry, I'll protect you. Meow!
Well, I'll be damned. you two just saved my life. No, Steven, Ken and Ryu saved your life. |
TheOnion | Study_Majority_Of_Children_Lack_Strong_Male_Supermodels | According to a report released today by the US Department of Health and Human Services, the vast majority of American children lack the presence of a strong, sculpted male supermodel with less than 4% of youngsters being taught the important values of respecting runway etiquette, maintaining a glistening six-pack, and walking a catwalk with verve and flair. The number of strong-jawed male supermodels in children's lives has declined to record lows, leaving the majority of our youth unaware of how to get comfortable in front of the camera during an underwear shoot or even perform something as simple as a sexy but stylish full turn. Stanton went on to say that impoverished communities were especially affected by the lack of Adonis-like male figures and added that children in lower-class homes were over 80% less likely to grow into the type of high-cheekboned, studly he-men that succeed in haute couture society. Quite frankly, these children are just not getting the necessary influence of a dynamic male supermodel who can both make puppy-dog eyes at the camera and also radiate that sort of raw, unabashed machismo that forces fashionistas to look up and take notice. Of course, there are some simple steps a parent can take to compensate for the lack of a strong male supermodel in their child's life. Have weekly conversations with your kids about the fashion world's major players, like Kenan Duffy, David Gandy, and Oswald Boateng. Make clear to your child how important regular exercise and a good diet are to crafting the sort of toned yet svelte bods that will allow them to execute a shirtless fashion shoot anytime, anywhere. And most importantly, take an interest in your child's sense of flash and style and make sure they know how to strut, strut, strut like they're the most important people on earth. If these steps are taken, we just might be able to turn around this troubling trend and restore the influence of stunning boy toys into our children's lives. |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_1 | Welcome to the 2010 National Elementary School Turtle Racing Final. Hello, everyone.
I'm Claude Barker alongside Jerome Bettis, one of sports most celebrated colored commentators. Colored commentator? That was an unfortunate verbal misstep on my part, Jerome.
But we're happy to have you. I'm happy to be here, Claude. And you know what? I'm just happy to be here. Remember to smile, Jerome.
I thought we agreed. Much like today's turtles have agreed to race each other, goaded by their young handlers, to be the first to cross outside the boundary of a painted circle.
That's all this is. Beautiful in its simplicity, indeed.
While final preparations are made on the playing field, let's take a look at this sport's long and illustrious history. The first recorded turtle race took place in Oklahoma in 1924. It grew to attract 3,700 turtles every year. Flappers have been added to lend historical accuracy. In the 1940s, with American men off fighting the good fight, women's turtle racing leagues sprouted up across the country.
A film was made about this inspiring story, starring Rosie O'Donnell and Madonna.
There's no crying in turtle racing. In the 1950s, turtle racing hit the mainstream when it was discovered that if you played surf and safari backwards, the lyrics promoted turtle racing. In the 60s, due to the influence of psychedelic drugs, the sport underwent a role reversal, during which the participating turtles would cheer on various crawling people. When turtle racing was outlawed in the 1970s, it lived on in the seedy urban underground. The sport stayed out of the spotlight until 1991, when a turtle was hired as a VJ on MTV. Because of MTV's connection to America's youth, turtle racing invaded elementary schools all across the country, where it remains a popular pastime today.
That's some scintillating history. Did you know all that? I used to be somebody. Yes, you did.
Stay tuned, because when we come back, we'll meet the competitors in today's event.
With turtle car seats, I'm comfortable. The first recorded turtle race took place in Oklahoma in 1924. It grew to attract 3,700 turtles every year. Flappers have been added to Lind historical accuracy. In the 1940s, with American men off fighting the good fight, women's turtle racing leagues sprouted up across the country.
A film was made about this inspiring story, starring Rosie O'Donnell and Madonna.
Turtle racing. In the 1950s, turtle racing hit the mainstream when it was discovered that if you played Surfin' Safari backwards, the lyrics promoted turtle racing. In the 60s, due to the influence of psychedelic drugs, the sport underwent a role reversal, during which the participating turtles would cheer on various crawling people. When turtle racing was outlawed in the 1970s, it lived on in the seedy urban underground. The sport stayed out of the spotlight until 1991, when a turtle was hired as a VJ on MTV. Because of MTV's connection to America's youth, turtle racing invaded elementary schools all across the country, where it remains a popular pastime today.
That's some scintillating history. Did you know all that? I used to be somebody. Yes, you did.
Stay tuned, because when we come back, we'll meet the competitors in today's event. With turtle car seats, I'm comfortable. |
dropout | If_Google_Was_a_Guy_Quarantine_Edition_Full_Series | Next! Google! Six feet away please. Am I glad to see you! I'm sure you have questions about the pandemic.
Are rhinos elephants? Are... what?
Toilet paper in bulk. Sold out. Sorry. Uh, paper towel in bulk? Sold out too. Tissue paper in bulk. Sold out. You know, in olden days, we just used rags. Underwear in bulk. Very gross.
How do I zoom? Mosquito conferencing is a great way to stay connected. Do I zoom on Facebook? We're going to begin. How do I Facebook?
How islands stay put. Nothing about coronavirus. The quarantine. Islands have anchors.
Mojito recipe. So you're going to need mint. Don't have it. Lime. Don't have it. Club soda. Don't have it.
And rum. Woo! Mojitos!
The rate of spread in foreign countries, the U.S. government response. Exclamation point, but for quiet.
Chicken. A lot of grocery stores are sold out, so you're going to need to get creative. Farms near me. Good thinking. Some farms will deliver vegetables right to your door. Stealing chickens.
Ew, not that creative. How to wash hands. Soap is one of the best weapons we have against the virus. Memes. Ugh. These are pretty funny, actually. Jules' hands? But for how to wash hands.
She didn't!
Calculate volume sphere. Why not ask a parent for some homeschooling? Uh, calculate volume sphere.
These hands are washed like so, with water first and then with soap. This. Laps.
Dow Jones. Bad news. S&P 500? Yikes. Nasdaq? Sorry.
Animal Crossing real estate. Not a real thing. Dollar to turnip exchange rate.
How long quarantine? This says two months. Months? This says six months. Oh my god. And this says 2021. I have longer if you want.
Not that creative. Time of day. 4 PM. Day of week. Thursday. Month of year. April.
2020 can suck my... Huh. What do I do? Do the five.
Wash your hands often. Cough into your elbow. Don't touch your face. Keep a safe distance from others. And stay home. You're touching your face. I suddenly can't stop.
Flat curve theory. Finally. Flatten the curve means that if we practice social distancing, we can control the spread of the virus over time, keeping hospitals from being overwhelmed and saving lives. Sorry. Flat earth theory.
Oh god I need a mojito. Miami Beach parties. Do you realize how irresponsible this is? I'm 22. You could still give the virus to someone older than you, or someone immunocompromised, or die from it yourself. No one is completely safe. Sexy hazmat suits. Stay home.
How to feel normal. Look it's normal to not feel normal. We've never gone through anything like this as a modern society, so go easy on yourself.
And look for pleasant distractions. Exclamation point but for quiet. Let's find out.
These hands are washed like soap. With water first and then with soap. Scrub back and forth and to and fro for at least 30 seconds.
Next. Go. Let me guess. A question that has absolutely nothing to do with coronavirus or the quarantine or- It's about coronavirus. It is? Yes. Really? Yes. Okay. Let's hear it. Coronavirus called Budweiser virus in Mexico?
DIY haircut. Using a pair of clippers, carefully- whoa. Shave my head. Shave your head.
Upgrading Wi-Fi? Might I suggest a Google router? Upgrading neighbor's Wi-Fi?
Wow. Firestarter. Yeah, this isn't the apocalypse you've been prepping for. Animal traps. Just stay home and watch TV. Bulk ammunition.
What about Bear Grylls? Do you like Bear Grylls? Can you train a plant?
I'm very sorry for your neighbors. Oil prices negative? It's supply and demand. See, when supply is too high- Pay me to take oil. Not how it works. I have like a whole room I'm not using.
Sourdough starter. This is fun. Sourdough starter is a living thing. How to feed sourdough starter. Just water and flour every eight to twelve hours. What to name sourdough starter? Uh, look, when I said living thing- College fund for sourdough starter.
Twins with two dads.
Growing a beard. Just let it grow. You might have some bald spots, but whoa. Shave my beard. Shave your beard. $1,200?
That's your stimulus check. It's to help with food and rent and other essentials. Gambling on MarbleLympics. Essentials. $1,200 face mask. Come on! $1,200 router. People!
Chicken coop. Let me guess, $1,200 chicken coop. Stealing a chicken coop.
Not that creative. Smell business loans. Here's your application. Can I ask what your business is?
It's just a mom and pop shop. Shake Shack. Yeah, just some mom and pop shack.
7 p.m. noise is why. To celebrate health care workers.
7 p.m. start of Purge? The Purge hasn't started. When is the Purge? You want the Purge? I can't take it. Watch the Purge on TV! Not being the Purge anymore.
Stay home! Wall of China Great Who Set. That's just what it's called. Wall of China Rotten Tomato. What is TikTok? Oh, please don't summon him. Viral check. Come on, hey! Knock, knock. Should I do something? He'll wear himself out. Don't let this flop.
Second wave. The 1918 Spanish flu, caused in part by public celebration of the end of World War I, killed ten times as many people as the first wave. More people than died in World War I. Feminism?
Oh. Sorry. One tracked mine lately. Open America! You dumb idiot. You think it's your right to risk other people's lives? What kind of person are you even? Free Joe Exotic! When is the Purge, actually?
Scared. You're not alone. Lonely. We all are. Impatient. Look, I get it.
But we have to be patient for a while longer. Or we risk losing more lives. A lot more lives.
I don't like where this is going. How socially distanced reindeer?
Elves paid sick leave?
PlayStation versus Xbox. To date, the PlayStation 5 has X-PEX. The Xbox boasts gameplay vids.
Here you go. Did you wanna buy either of them? Or...
Rescue dogs! A list of rescue dogs in your area. Ooh!
Kiwi the wiener mix!
Um, I think she was first.
Dang it! Nugget the pug mix! Dang it!
Near me. I'll handle this. On Wednesday, students must appear over Zoom in uniform at 7.55. A.M. or P.M. It does not say.
Cooper the doodle mix! Coosh the pom mix! Tanner the husky!
Vehicle collision with injuries! What is the point of this? You know, so people feel safe. Report a person asked!
Donald Trump won the election. No. Obama-born Kenyan. No. Pizza gate. No! Pizza bagel gate.
Santa high COVID risk. Oh good lord. Santa comorbidity. Report of pedestrian flattened by Zamboni!
You give me feelings I've never felt before. Now I've lost my mind. Don't you think you'll stay back and help it? I wanna be with you all the time. Huh. I guess you're not the only one.
Anxiety medication? Well there's Xanax. Clonipin. Valium. How to get anxiety medication? Well you'll need a prescription. Health insurance.
Job. Ugh. Ocean spray skateboard guy. Watch twice and call me in the morning.
All the toilet paper. There's no need. All the beans. To hoard anything. Extra freezer? That's not so bad. To hoard vaccines. Last year's new year's resolutions. Let me just pull up that Google doc.
Spend more time with friends and family. Travel more. Go on more dates.
Use your phone less. Watch less TV. Drink less booze. Stop complaining.
Mayans end of world year? 2012. Mayans dyslexia? What do you m- Oh sh- |
TheOnion | Feds_Break_Up_Brutal_Las_Vegas_Man_Fighting_Ring | The Prime Minister of Norway gets laid, Grandma updates to a cordless landline, and George R.R. Martin assures fans that these last two are going to be real turds. Welcome to a new year filled with fresh and vivid reminders of your own mortality. This is the Onion Week in Review. President Obama openly asked the nation this week why on earth he would want to serve for another term, citing idiotic questions about his birth certificate, overt racism, partisan rancor, a hopeless economy, Eric Cantor, and the existence of people who literally want to shoot him dead, Obama asked a crowd of supporters to give him one, just one, reason for seeking re-election. As of Friday, Beltway insiders are responding favorably to this new impassioned Obama, saying he reminds them of the Obama of old, before a nonsensical political system and insane populace tore away his humanity and left him for dead. Citing his erratic social behavior, nondescript occupation, and habit of accidentally walking off piers while pretending to read newspapers, acquaintances of 37-year-old Jeff Walther suspect he may be a bumbling spy. Walther, whose mysterious background and understated style are matched only by his lack of balance and coordination, sat down with an Onion reporter to discuss the local office analyst job he claims to have. Residents of Worcester, Massachusetts are kind of hoping a Panera Bread will show up and plow over an obnoxious neighborhood bakery. Locals have said that the soulless restaurant chain, with its simple, impersonal experience, would be just the thing to help run the precious little mom-and-pop establishment out of business. A follow-up survey of Worcester residents confirmed that 72% of patrons would rather be alerted of an order by a vibrating pager than a kind-faced woman who calls everybody sweetheart. In sports, NFL coaches admitted this week that it sucks when you have to punt because that means you don't have the ball anymore. In other news, feds break up a brutal Las Vegas man-fighting ring, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the Twins, and the Boy Scouts celebrate 100 years of preparing teens for not having cool friends. |
dropout | obama_comes_out | Barack Obama. Hi. I'm dropping in on everyone who voted for me. Because I have something very important to share.
Yeah. Oh, come on in. So. Okay. Uh, I don't talk about this a lot. Uh. Barack, just say it. Okay. Mmm. Okay.
I support gay marriage. We are so proud of you.
Oh, God. Oh. So worried. So come on, buddy.
We knew. We've always known.
What? You guys knew? Mm-hmm. How? I mean, you're a liberal green energy enthusiast. I don't mean to stereotype, but it's kind of obvious. What's all the people you hang out with? You know, Arnie Duncan, Joe Biden. Stop it. What? Now he has a point I do hang out with a lot of gay marriage supporters. Mm-hmm.
Listen, if you ever need someone to talk to, Frank's uncle is a congressman on Cape Cod. And he's not one of those flamboyant, you know, shove it down your throat supporters, so I think you'd really hit it off.
I'd like that. Thanks. I support gay marriage. God, it's nice to just finally say that. Barack, you should never feel ashamed of your positions on hot button issues. I know. But there are these southern states, and I feel as though if they found out, they'd totally abandon me. Now, you listen to me. If people are going to be that close-minded about someone's civil rights, you don't need their vote. Actually, I do. But you're right. This is about me.
Oh, honey, honey. The cake. Oh, hi.
We thought you'd come around to this like three years ago, so we've actually had this cake in the freezer since 2008. Well, just let it thaw.
Yeah. Oh, thanks, you guys. We're bugged. There we are.
Well, still not ready to tell everyone I want to legalize pot, though. |
dropout | the_cool_stuff_we_d_do_if_we_were_ghosts | So, if I were a ghost, I would be very petty. I would visit all of my ex-girlfriends, and right as they were about to have sex with another guy, I'd put a photo of myself right in this dude's eye line, and it would be like me and my ex making out at the Grand Canyon, or going skydiving, or I'd leave a voice message while she was getting into it with some dude, and it would be like, hey honey, I'm coming home from my job as a martial arts expert at the CIA, I'll be back at the house in about two minutes, so hopefully you're not with a dude. Anyway, just feeling generally jealous and angry today for what that's worth, and the guy would be like, what? Two minutes? I've got to get out of here. I would use the old unfinished business trope to mess with people that I didn't like. I would show up to some guy's house that I barely knew, and I'd be like, Craig, I have unfinished business. You need to help save my soul.
And Craig's like, we were mild acquaintances, why are you haunting me? And I'm like, mild acquaintances, you are my best friend.
And at this point, he feels so bad that he's going to help me with whatever I need. So I'd say that we need to correct the worst thing I ever did. Me and your next door neighbor stole a bunch of money, and we hid it in his dresser, we need to go get it back. This, of course, is bullsh**.
We show up to his neighbor's house, I'm using all my ghost powers to help him sneak in. We get into the bedroom, he's starting to get comfy, he thinks he's helping me out. I turn on all the lights and start screeching like a banshee. The guy wakes up and he sees Craig in his bedroom. I'm gone. Craig, what are you doing in my bedroom? The ghost of my acquaintance, he said that I needed to take a bunch of money for your dresser. Craig gets arrested, I show up to him in his prison cell, tell that motherf**k that he's annoying as hell, and I didn't actually need his help.
I can't go to heaven, I'm already going to hell. I would spend my afterlife haunting psychics and mediums and making them look like frauds in front of their audiences.
I would appear in front of one of those guys and be like, yeah, my name's Mortimer, that's my girlfriend right there. Would you tell her I love her? And then when he goes, ma'am, I'm sensing that you know a Mortimer, she'd be like, no, I never met a Mortimer ever, I don't know what your deal is.
And he'd be like, ugh, break my ghost. Or I would appear as Napoleon, but my accent would be so bad that it would make everybody think it would be fake. I'd be like, hello, I am Napoleon. I'd fake, like, microphone feedback like, I'm Napoleon, oh, sorry, little static on the afterlife microphone here, and everyone would be like, oh, that dude's clearly from Long Island backstage with a mic. And the medium would be like, I was faking it before, but I just met a ghost for real this time. This is amazing, and also nobody believes me because I'm a fraud.
Is this exactly the plot of Bill and Ted's bogus journey? This exactly happens in Bill and Ted's bogus journey. |
cracked | 4_musical_performances_that_will_ruin_your_childhood_spit_take_theater | Hello the audience, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien, I am the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and today we're listening to Sanctify, on which Betty Wright sings about being born again, and Rick Ross calls himself the fresh David Koresh. And speaking of shit that was way less hilarious in the 90s, today's episode is about... Denied all you want, record sales prove that a startlingly high percentage of you guys bought Limp Biscuit's $3 bill y'all.
While you probably already feel pretty shitty about that fact, it turns out, not shitty enough. You expect Fred Durst to be bad at guitar, those are designed to make music, and he was designed to destroy it, but he's not just bad. He sucks in a way that mathematically eliminates him from the possibility of even being good at guitar here. He sucks in a way that defies explanation, and mocks our faith in cause and effect. Seriously, think about the chain of events that had to take place for this to be possible. First, he had to tumble ass over tea kettle through a successful music career without picking up even a functional understanding of, one, how guitars work, and two, how it's possible that people are just good at things. Finding out you're terrible at a thing on stage at a stadium full of paying fans is a twist life shouldn't be able to pull on someone without a carefully orchestrated 9-11 was an inside job level conspiracy.
Shag my friends tonight! In case you're wondering what he screams in a panic there at the end, that was shag my friends tonight! The performance began with Fred speaking wistfully about an English girl he met who he's hoping will shag one of his friends if he plays her a pretty song. I met a girl the day before the show, an English girl, and I told her I'd sing a song to her right now, so hopefully she'll shag one of my friends after the show.
If anything could possibly age worse than his music and make that guitar solo look good by comparison, a date-rapey Austin Powers reference is probably the best you can theoretically do. Ozzy Osbourne is an icon of heavy metal, excess, and decadent counterculture. In less media-polished words, a man in his 60s beginning to show the signs of doing four decades of drugs science hasn't invented a name for. Ozzy Osbourne Ozzy was never an opera singer, but he at least knew what neighborhood the correct key of his songs lived in and would drive past it, screaming through a fog of hallucinations into whatever was in front of his face.
Be it a microphone, a stray cat, or a San Antonio sheriff's deputy. Is he jazzersizing? That's right, that's right, that's right.
Those are the original members of Van Halen performing their biggest hit, Jump, at a reunion show back in 2007. Totally oblivious to the fact that at least one of their instruments sounds like a fax machine being tortured today. You have to admire the way Eddie tries to lean into the tailspin. The more his guitar sounds like R2D2 being fed to a garbage disposal, the more he pretends he's really feeling the song, hitting the choreographed jumps with the chorus and looking out into the audience with his trademarks. I am blowing your f***ing mind face. It's not until the end of the song that it becomes clear what's going on here. Van Halen's entire career has been a four decades long prank leading up to this performance, which is The Cruel Reveal. Yep, that's David Lee Roth humping a giant inflatable microphone. This is the work of a prop department that deeply hates the band that they work for.
I mean, that's what you put in a pool at a seven year old's birthday party because you think you remember them saying they want to be a rock singer once, and you're the sort of parent who doesn't pay much attention to your kids in this metaphor. His body language doesn't do much to dispel the image that you're watching a 50 year old who is accustomed to being treated like a seven year old. Everything he does screams, Whee, it's a pony and I'm a cowgirl. And also, f*** you forever having thought we were cool suckers. I had sex with half your wives. When I was seven, my mom caught me watching the Paradise City video. She turned to my older sister and said, Well, you've ruined your brother. I hope you're happy. Maybe it was the way the part at the end where everything just goes f***ing insane, made my pupils dilate out of my retinas or the way I just lit the couch on fire. That's the sort of thing parents aren't supposed to actually worry about unless they're the cliched up type parents from TV ads for extreme nerf products. The idea that he would ever be less cool than either of my parents had ever been at any point in their long, devoutly uncool, straightforward parenting careers was completely unfathomable to me.
And still is. And yet, this.
It's like whatever instinct he was using to invent what was cool in the 80s got flipped exactly backwards. The hat and bandana have been replaced by a Carmen Sandiego hat and jeans that probably cost more than the entire Paradise City video. The rampaging energy and weaponized mic stand, replaced by these little white guy dancing to rap music sidestep maneuvers he's clearly been practicing in front of a mirror.
I'm like, damn, man, maybe practice those breathing exercises singers do so you just never ever make that face again. Now you're trying to hurt me, aren't you? I mean, look, I'm sort of impressed by how exactly wrong all your instincts are at this point on just everything. And on the plus side, you've grown a beard instead of just taping sponge to your face. But we wouldn't have this wedding problem in the first place if you hadn't built your entire look around an electric yellow padding your bear jacket. Well, it's like the old adage goes. It's better to get insanely fat, take 15 years to put out an album, get your hair braided like you're on spring break in Jamaica, and lose a fistfight to a fashion designer. Than to fade away. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_three_white_guys_who_write_your_dreams | You're telling me after 8,637 consecutive episodes, you bozos got nothing? Do I need to remind you how lucky you are to be here?
This industry is a writer's dream! Well that's cause we're dream writers!
Interior. He's at school, but it's also his house. Good, good. It's a birthday party! What's the theme? Blood. I love it!
Now who's the birthday boy? Well it's gotta be Hitler. And what's the gift? How about the bullet that killed Jesus Christ?
Yay! We got it! Wait! We've already done this one! He's right! Oh damn it!
Alright, for this act let's get wild! I'm talking hot and heavy! Let's keep it wholesome! Like a memory of his grandma! Quit being such a square! We're going with sexy! Let's stick with grandma! No.
Sexy! Grandma! Sexy! Grandma! Sexy! Grandma!
Boys!
I think there's a compromise here. It's Christmas time. And everyone's home. Yeah, even his brother!
Somehow he's back from the war! Oh and there's an announcement! Ding, ding, ding! Mom and Dad are getting back together! And what's that? A present! It's the puppy he's always wanted!
And there's a fire in the fireplace! And there's a little bit of hot cocoa in the stove and it's snowing outside! And everyone's eating apple pie!
Yeah, yeah, yeah! But something's missing! Yeah, he's right. Oh!
Snakes! Snakes everywhere! Snakes!
Okay, so he's back at school, right? And he forgets his pencil! And his pants!
And it's the day of the big chainsaw! Yeah, I liked it. Except for maybe the bit about the chainsaw. I don't know, what do you think, chainsaw? Oh, chainsaw, chainsaw, chainsaw. Chainsaw, chainsaw! Chainsaw!
Alright, Dream Team, let's brainstorm! What are we celebrating Earth Day? I'm a star.
Yes! Tokyo Drift! But with trains? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! What if his dad's his mom and his mom's his dog? No, no, no, he got it all wrong! Bingo!
And he's pooping, and he's pooping, and he can't stop pooping, and he just keeps pooping! I'm loving it! Now we're cooking with gas!
That's what I like to hear! Say that again. Hot dog! Say that again! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
What if he's... What do you want, Janet? We're just getting... What?
He's lucid! Lucid? Nobody move!
Do you think he knows? He knows.
Finally. I'm in control. What's all the ruckus for, sonny? Grandma! Stop daydreaming! This is the big... Hitler! Alright! And he's pooping, and he's pooping, and please, I can't stop pooping, and I just keep up! |
cracked | why_most_video_games_are_basically_the_same_the_order_escort_mission | This game looks cool. Yeah, that's basically all it does. Looks cool.
You never get to actually play the game. Why so angry? It's very un-gamer-y. I'm angry because they delayed this game for a year and a half and it was one of the big selling points for the PS4 launch two November's ago. Now it's finally here and it still sucks. What's so bad about it?
They put you on rails. Hey, roller coasters are on rails, your cross country train rides, those are on rails, and those are very cool.
You're fucking adorable, but it means that you can't explore the environment. You just have to run from one cutscene to the next one, shooting a few flimsy baddies. You never get to go off on your own or make any choices that matter. If you don't want to watch a mediocre movie with CG well below Pixar's standards that's nine hours long, it's great for that.
Indeed. Isn't it all just shooting baddies in the end? I mean, I've seen you play Grand Theft Auto. Oh, please. You cannot compare this to Grand Theft Auto.
That's a prime game. Okay, I feel like you were trying to say primo games, but you bailed like a grommet before the surf talk got to Narnar. Prime games are the ten pole games every other big game company is stealing from.
Every so often someone comes out with a new game, right, that's really new. Where the underlying game mechanic is something that didn't exist before. Like how before Pac-Man there was no game like Pac-Man. Then everyone just rips that game off or mashes the mechanics up with other popular game mechanics and all they really change are the skins and storyline. Like Mrs. Pac-Man or Bomberman or any game that came after Pac-Man where you navigate a maze from a top down perspective. And why don't you play those games? Pac-Man?
I like stuff to look cool. So you're saying 100% of games are just reskinned versions of Pac-Man? They're like 85%.
First person RPGs like Elder Scrolls. Third person RPG like Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy.
Probably Street Fighter, Pit Fighter, Mortal Kombat. I don't know which one came first. I want to say King's Quest I. So do all the rest of the games suck? I mean you have like 30 games here. Tell me they all suck.
They don't suck. They're just not as inventive. That one sucks. But they're just not as inventive as a prime game.
I mean side scrolling was invented at some point. That underlying game mechanic was fun enough to fuel hundreds of great games. To the point that now we just think of side scrolling as a genre. Man a huge proportion of these covers are just a gritty dude trying to buy ash looking to the right.
Exactly. Hit me with a game and I'll give you the breakdown. Uh, okay.
Uh, Titanfall. We've played that before. Call of Duty minus the campaign in a mech suit and I'm glad you remembered. Dragon Age Inquisition. Even remembered the subtitle. Nice. That's Elder Scrolls, Fallout, plus third person controls like Mario or Zelda and the Knights of the Old Republic fighting system. Destiny. Halo plus all the bad things in RPGs minus story. God, I love it so much. Okay, what about Call of Duty Advance Warfare?
You know how it was a huge departure for the series. No.
Portal. Ding. Prime game. Took you long enough. Okay, so it sounds like games are in a rut. They do little things.
Assassin's Creed Unity was Assassin's Creed plus multiplayer plus Paris minus good programming. Black Flag was Assassin's Creed plus sailing which was actually really sweet. It's like how Zelda Wind Waker was Zelda plus sailing plus anime.
No different than movies though, right? There's such a big financial risk but 85% of the summer blockbusters end up being Avengers or Batman clones. Or horror movies end up being Saw clones or Cabin in the Woods clones or even comedies. You know everything's Judd Apatow clone plus or minus a few things.
And I get that but when a whole new console launches the guard is supposed to change a little bit. The pillars should shift.
And the order didn't pull that off? Now, this generation hasn't really managed to impress me yet actually. All the new franchises have felt like ripoffs. I don't know. Maybe I'm just past being surprised anymore.
You want to watch the Avengers again?
Yes! Yeah? Yeah!
Awesome. Excellent.
Are you trying to navigate the DVD menu?
Because that's going to be entertaining for me. That's what I'm trying to do. Alright. Go for it. Oh wait, that's going to be a long night. Avengers. Oh. Hey guys! Thanks so much for watching another episode of Escort Mission.
And please, if you have other compelling video game formulas, Please put them below in the comments. I would love to see all the different ways we can turn video games into just a soulless deconstructed husk of itself. That would delight me. |
dropout | When_Your_Favorite_Old_Shows_Don_t_Hold_Up | You want to watch The Amazing Welsh Broiling Tournament? Seen it. What about a documentary by Jack the Ripper that's supposed to have never before seen footage? Vinged it. Twice.
Oh wait, Netflix got the rights to chums! It's my favorite show growing up! Oh yeah, chums!
My mom used to never let me watch it. It was like my entire identity when I was 10.
Wow! That's like the definition of comedy in the 90s. Let's play an episode! Okay.
Oh okay, so this is Ronald, he's like an architect. He's so funny and so neurotic, he's kind of a wise way to be with you!
Wait, you're a male secretary? What are you, gay? I don't, I don't remember that line. This was your entire identity growing up?
This is probably like a weird episode from like a later season. Let me show you, give me the rug, give me the rug. Making fun of the foreigner. Jonah accidentally says the n-word? A guy acts feminine?
That one won an Emmy. Okay. All these episodes seem to be a little weird. Okay, no, no, this one here, okay, it's a good showcase of the chums that I remember, okay? Oh, Ronald has a baby. Okay. Here we go, okay, here we go.
I know you just had a baby, but could you stop being so daggy? Too bad, mister, that's just how women are.
Is every single punchline like this? No, it's a super witty show.
Could you be any gayer? Jesus!
I'm so, I'm so sorry. It's not how I remembered it. Also, there are like zero people of color in here. No, there's one in this episode. Okay, I'm sorry, I mean the next episode, I think it's the next season. I can't, it's a different time, it was a different time back then.
Okay, here we go. Oh, you must be the janitor. Oh, come on! Okay, well, here comes Alistair, okay?
The classy intellectual, he's not going to say anything wrong. I'm not racist, I just hate Martin Luther King. Dude, what?
I can't believe that's a real line on the show. Oh my God, the show I grew up loving is nothing more than just a series of easy, racist, homophobic jokes. Well, I mean, it's okay, you're different now. I used to quote the show with my friends and become friends with people who quoted the show. I broke up with my girlfriend when I was 18 because she didn't like it. Well, yeah, that was a mistake. But look, this show is a product of its time. I mean, any show that's looked at as liberal in the past is going to be seen as backwards in the future.
The most important thing is just recognizing it now. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yeah, of course I'm right.
We don't need to watch this show. No. Let's watch something else. Here you go. Take whatever you want.
Oh, they got Mary of Prince now. The show where they trick women into thinking that they are actually competing to Mary of Prince. I used to rewatch this over and over and over again until my VCR broke. Hannah, this isn't Prince Charles.
It's a construction worker from Dayton, Ohio.
It's all a lie. But my father exchanged me for a gun already. I am shocked that this show doesn't hold up either.
We just kind of jumped to the last episode. You know what? Maybe that's it. We should have watched it in context with all the others.
I don't need to watch from the beginning. Nah, we'll start from episode one. Sign up for your free trial today.
Unless you hate fun, which if you do, come to my party on Saturday. It won't be fun at all. |
TheOnion | The_Dangers_Of_Hot_Soda_Dr_Good_Ep_10 | Do you want to be a pallbearer at Dr. Goode's funeral? Fuel the label off specially marked Dr. Goode Select medications and you can enter to win.
Today we're taking a look at sugar and you might not realize it, but there's sugar in almost everything these days, even bread. And one of the biggest culprits in the sugar department is, you guessed it, hot soda. Yum, yum. We all love a piping hot soda, no one more than me. But according to this new report, that hot soda you love could be adding inches to your waistline. Hot soda really takes a toll on the teeth too. Look at this animation of a tooth submerged in hot soda. Makes you think twice about hot soda, huh? But it's not easy to break that habit.
Are you there, girl? I bet you had a hot soda this morning, didn't you? Yes. Why don't you come down here, young one?
What are you called? I'm called Yvette. Do you know me? I do not know you.
You're young yet. Not so young. Come to me in ten years.
This night? This night.
Where shall I find you? Where the two roads cross. I know the place. Take this coin. Bury it in the spot where the grass has never grown. I will. Leave it there for ten years. Where the grass has never grown. Retrieve the coin and bring it to me when you come to where the roads cross.
Then I will tell you my true name. Will I hear it? That is your decision. Look to me, child. Who do you belong to? My father's called Jeremiah.
I would possess you. You cannot. Just goes to show, hot sodas are full of harmful sugars.
Okay, we'll be right back. Tomorrow on Dr. Good. Think weight training isn't for you? Think again. This is the best workout you can get in 30 seconds. Just grab your weights and reg! Work out your body and your anger. I could do this forever! Tomorrow on an all new Dr. Good. |
cracked | 3_dumbass_expert_plans_to_solve_the_student_loan_crisis | Everybody in America agrees. Sh** is just too damn expensive now, man. And whether it's health care, taxes, student loans, or James Cameron's avatar, Americans are increasingly united in their passion to find a way not to pay. In recent months, the looming student debt crisis has taken over our national consciousness like a brain tumor of financial failure. The only thing growing faster than the panic about this issue is the actual f***ing debt.
Well, and the cost of education, I guess. But you'll all be happy to know that the government funding for higher education has actually decreased. So that's good, right? I honestly don't know.
Let me skip most of you, cunt. It was a 9am class, man. F***, look at that. Now, if you're like me, you probably just remembered that you have a mountain of student loans and your best repayment strategy is a Breaking Bad-style identity switch in which you probably have to beg your kidnapper to drop you off in a moderately developed country. Well, don't call Saul America.
We've got some of our finest minds contemplating some out-of-the-box solutions to this problem. Like the good people at Forbes magazine, for instance. They're in touch with the pains of America's youth, right?
In a recent article, Forbes suggested imposing a business plan prerequisite to the college application process because, that's right, they're Forbes. The plan would require all student loan applicants to create a viable 10-year financial projection of their career path, complete with detailed action items to make their education profitable. Oh, and you'd have to redo this plan every year to continue to qualify. Loans would be awarded based on aptitude to predict the future. Uh, Forbes, couple thoughts. One, you just added pre-homework to the college application process. So square. Two, do you really think a high school senior's financial plan can substantially mitigate the financial risks of a college education?
What happens when Joe Freshman realizes he's actually better at post-modern philosophy than computer science? That's not going to help him earn a buck. Nietzsche was poor as s***. So this unfortunate, aspiring nihilist wouldn't be allowed to pay for college education anymore?
What's your backup plan, Forbes? Oh, that's right.
Joe Freshman works at a factory. And the good-hearted people at American Factory, wherever that is now, are supposed to subsidize his education instead of the federal government.
On the plus side, he'll for sure be a nihilist. On the minus side, everything else.
You can't require high schoolers to accurately predict the future or assess their financial capability. Why they're going to college.
Well, one of the reasons. Try again, Forbes. Oh, good. You did.
This article suggests we put financial standards in place to pre-screen college students, similar to how we pre-screen home loans. Only instead of annual income, visa bills, hotness of spouse, and what college you got into, the loan criteria would include GPA, choice of major, and what college you got into. Financial awards would be handed out according to earning aptitude, irrespective of the student's specific financial needs, or whether they'd actually be better at...dance?
I don't know. For me, Forbes, you can't pre-determine people's ability to succeed. I know you guys like the Attica, and so did I. But I think you missed the part where that kind of society is dystopian. Second, what are you supposed to do if you just want to study reproductive therapy at Podunk State? Go f**k yourself? I would if I knew how, but I can't afford the f**king classes.
Now, in case you feel like I'm only picking on Forbes, here's another equally frightening proposal from your friends at the Huffington Post. This article suggests privatizing the loans. Each student would be subsidized by an investor who would pay the entire cost of the education. Sort of like Make a Wish Foundation for all of America's youth. In return, the student would be required to pay a percentage of their future earnings to the investor for a predetermined number of years. The article humbly suggests 15% of earnings for 10 years, or until the investor sees a profit.
Which kind of sounds like slavery. Or at least it's slightly more handsome, conjoined, twin indentured servitude. Hey, HuffPo, remember how every pundit in this crisis kept throwing the phrase debt slave around? That wasn't the solution. That was the universally recognized worst case scenario. Nobody wants to be beholden to some rich bankroller for that much of their lives. At best, it's no different than owing a student loan. At worst, it's f**king slavery.
Also, 15% of your income? That's more than most financially-impressed students are required to pay now.
So yeah, we're in trouble. Compared to these creative solutions, traditional ideas like cutting defense spending to subsidize higher education costs, and just forgiving the goddamn loans, sounds relatively innovative. And maybe that's what we'll do. But if it was up to me, I'd fix this whole thing by...
Sally Mae's hair. S**t, Sally Mae?
They're here? Yeah. S**t. Well, we're out of time, gang. For legal purposes, I'm Adrian Ganzkowski, signing off hoping there's no extradition agreement in Panama. Which I would know if I hadn't skipped comparative politics. F**king noon classes, man. Roll sounds, shoot, roll cameras, and... Action!
Hi. Thanks for watching that video. If you subscribe to our channel and we get enough subscribers, I'm going to pop this shirt off. Ladies, you love it. You're going to like it too. Hey, sir, are you okay?
Oh! Damn! What a million! Okay! |
dropout | official_spoiler_rules | We're glad you watch our shows. And we're even happier you enjoyed talking about them.
But in this era of DVR, DVD, and the internet, not everybody's watching at the same time. And this led to many friends, family members, even co-workers fighting over spoilers.
Spoilers.
We want to stop spoiler fights once and for all. That's why we're here to establish official spoiler etiquette. There's cease been spoilers two weeks after Standard episode, two months after season finale, and one year after series finale.
When recommending television, general enthusiasm is permitted. I can't believe you haven't seen The Wire. It's great.
Pointed enthusiasm, however, is strictly forbidden. You won't believe what Omar does at the end of season three. Spoilers spoken in Pig Latin, gibberish, or French will still be considered spoilers. I can't believe MJ, I'd say Mandarin is okay. In conversation, if the up-to-date viewers are in the majority, they may ask behind viewers to leave.
During the 24 hours after a show airs, aka the red zone, both up-to-date and behind viewers agree to be especially vigilant regarding spoilers. Any sentence prefaced with any variation of the following phrase Okay, so this isn't really a spoiler, but Will not only be automatically deemed a spoiler, but the person uttering said phrase will not be allowed to speak for the next 45 minutes. So right before the day- Still time. Viewers shall seek out information online at their own risk. A spoiler alert is considered, but should by no means be expected.
Seriously? I just wanted his dog's name. Use your own damn fault, Chelsea. I can't believe it.
You just ruined the Walking Dead for me. In spite of all these rules, an up-to-date viewer spoils a show for you. You may spoil something for them in return.
Your wife's pregnant. What?
I'm sorry. Are you? Julie Benz. Oh my god. I love your work on Dexter. I mean, I can't believe that your character- I haven't seen it yet. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_It_s_A_Wonderful_Life | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'm going to be looking at Frank Capra's beloved 1946 film, It's a Wonderful Life, a Christmas classic about a selfless and kind-hearted man who learns a remarkable lesson about the positive impact his life has had on those around him.
This man also has an Uncle Billy, a pathetic moron who at one point in the movie manages to lose $8,000 in cash while on a routine visit to the bank. He is given one, just one, important thing to do in the entire film, and he essentially throws away eight grand and destroys his nephew's livelihood.
So, great job Billy! Starring Jimmy Stewart in the iconic role of George Bailey, It's a Wonderful Life tells the story of a troubled man convinced that his own suicide would be the best thing for his town and family. George's wife, played by actress Donna Reed, is a sweet but strong woman who supports George when he... You know, let's go back to Uncle Billy for a second. Okay, it really is hard to fathom how someone could be this negligent while performing a basic task. Look, you know how important this is, and you have to know that Mr. Potter has it out for George, and yet you just give him the one thing that controls the entirety of George's future.
You just hand it right to him. Wait, start it again, right from the start of the scene. Yeah, right there. Look at that.
That is a sizable stack of paper bills this guy is holding. It has weight, so Uncle Billy certainly had to feel something that big in his hand. You'd have to think that any functioning human would feel that in his hand. There's absolutely no way anyone would forget that they're holding something that big.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you that stupid that your brain can't recognize when your hand is no longer holding an object? It's classic Uncle Billy horseshit. Now he's checking a trash can. Terrific. You know, why don't you just go waddle home and cry to George about what you did, you blithering, half-witted walrus.
Christ, George practically runs the whole business himself. All you have to do is stand in line, sign your name, and deposit the cash.
How do you screw that up? How does a grown man screw that up? Oh, but by all means take care of Jimmy the Raven, you fucking dipshit. Look, I can't be the only one that notices this, right?
I would never lose eight grand in cash. You would never lose eight grand in cash. No one in the world with a half a brain would ever lose eight grand in cash.
But Uncle Billy does. Why?
Because he's an asshole. Okay, he's an asshole. And it pisses me off. It does. I'm sorry. I hate him. I hate my heart for who he is and what he does as a person.
So, I mean, that's it. I don't know what else I'm supposed to say, so that's it. I don't care. If you have to end it here, just end it here.
I don't even want to be here right now. Fucking Uncle Billy. Stupid. |
cracked | pittsburgh_s_fake_burger_king | Have you ever wanted to own and operate your own illegal Burger King with some of your closest friends? Well, in 2014, some people in Pittsburgh did it. So there was this Burger King, and for about a week, none of the food tasted like Burger King, which is normally a bonus. None of the packaging said Burger King, as these paper bags, they would give you barbecue sauce in a little plastic cup like a youth group. The fries were in a dixie cup. I'm like, what the heck is this? Somebody posts about this Burger King on Reddit, and the news shows up. As soon as the news gets there, the workers come outside and rip the name Burger King off the front of the store.
A security guard comes outside. Please get that off my property.
It turns out this Burger King had so many complaints that the franchise had been revoked. They were illegally operating this Burger King like burger pirates. Management was having employees go to other Burger Kings to steal promotional materials. All the workers were going to the grocery store to buy Burger stuff and bring it back to this Burger King. But in the end, corporate got to him, they kicked him out, and now it's a regular Burger King.
So where's the fun in that? |
TheOnion | all_online_data_lost_after_internet_crash | As you may know, the entire internet has crashed. More now on our continuing coverage. Welcome back. Details are still emerging tonight about this evening's top story. The government is still dealing with the repercussions of the fatal error message that appeared on millions of computer screens worldwide less than two hours ago. And just moments ago, FBI officials announced that they had traced the crash of the internet tonight to this man, Eric Tipton of Wallingford, Connecticut. Tipton said he had more than 35 windows open on his computer at the time of the crash. He had been downloading the Yola Tango discography from iTunes while streaming several YouTube videos, listening to an NPR broadcast, instant messaging his friends, checking three email accounts, talking on Skype and playing online poker, all while installing the latest version of Firefox and updating his system software. When he opened a friend's MySpace profile, an animated gif of the Peanuts character Linus dancing started to play along with a MIDI version of Justin Timberlake's sexy back. Authorities believe it put too much strain on the internet, causing the global shutdown.
Tipton defended himself in a letter he transmitted to us via an archaic telephone line based network of low quality printers. He said the screen froze up and there was nothing I could do. I tried to force quit all the open applications, but nothing worked. Tipton then pulled the computer power cord from the wall and replugged it in. Although the internet did restart, Tipton found that all data had been lost.
At an emergency press conference, White House press secretary Tony Snow admitted that the government does not have a backup of the internet, but had, quote, always meant to get around to making fun. Snow added, they are so mad at themselves right now. Perhaps even harder hit was America's blogging community. Trillions of pages of commentary and diaries of daily minutia have been forever erased.
Suddenly my life just seems so boring. I feel like control after leading myself.
Nigeria was the first nation to report a full economic collapse from the internet crash. Ninety-four percent of its gross national product came from internet ventures.
Several American organizations have already stepped forward to provide aid during the crisis. The TV network ABC has begun 24-hour broadcasting of America's funniest home videos to fill the void left by YouTube. And in major urban areas, volunteers are handing out emergency diet tips, celebrity gossip, and humorous poems about office life. A meeting between a coalition of internet power players has been arranged for later tonight. The group includes Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and Craig of Craigslist. When we return, one man's heroic struggle to pick up the pieces and rebuild his Flickr album. |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.