section
stringclasses 14
values | filename
stringlengths 3
100
| text
stringlengths 77
235k
|
|---|---|---|
TheOnion | The_Onion_Review_Obama_Casts_National_Musical | The White House will hold a second round of auditions Thursday for its nationwide production of Guys and Dolls, the FBI sheepishly admits that it hasn't actually solved a crime in over ten years, and a jukebox pretends that an Oasis CD is too scratched to play. This is the week of April 4th, 2011, and this is The Onion Review. White House officials announced that they'd be opening a second round of auditions to All-Americans Thursday for the upcoming production of Guys and Dolls, as they're still searching for, quote, the perfect Nathan Detroit. An early cast list posted by director Barack Obama revealed that 40-year-old claims adjuster Aaron Daniels will play sister Sarah Brown, while the role of Nicely Nicely Johnson has been given to Chief Justice John Roberts, who turned out to be, quote, quite the little tap dancer. Set to open in just six weeks, Guys and Dolls will mark the first White House-produced musical since George H.W. Bush's controversial revival of Hair in 1991.
Testifying before Congress, FBI director Robert Mueller admitted his agency has not technically solved any crimes since 2001, but said the whole process was, quote, complicated and that the majority of these cases wind up working themselves out anyway. Insisting that the FBI would love to be solving more federal offenses, Mueller asked committee members if crime as a whole could ever really be solved at all. A New Hampshire couple seems to believe that their miserable, crumbling marriage will be somehow fixed by a ziplining day trip this weekend. Dale and Gina Byers, who apparently believe one outing will, by some mysterious means, make years of mistrust and emotional manipulation go away in a mere four hours, said they're looking forward to getting some fresh air and magically resolving their mutual resentment about not being able to have children. In sports, a juror in the Barry Bonds perjury trial has worn his baseball glove every day so far, just in case the former slugger hits one his way. The man, who said he would be sorry if he didn't have the mitt on him the one time Bonds fouled into the box, claimed he would still be able to drink a beer, adjust his cap and take notes on the deposition with one hand. On Wall Street, Goodyear stocks climbed this week on reports that a pretty sharp-looking nail was still sticking up at the intersection of Third Street and Fairfax. In other news, Vice President Biden calls dibs on Gaddafi's clothes, a teenage rebel outright refuses to purchase his high school's yearbook, and the bugs infesting a local apartment appear to have no discernible goal. That is absolutely everything that happened in the news this week. For more stories, videos and an update on the Aspen Police Department's frantic search for a missing ski, go to theonion.com slash review. |
SaturdayNightLive | boston_teens_at_the_colonial_museum_snl | This is the way the colonial settlers made their butter, with fresh cream and a little bit of salt. it would take almost four hours just to get one quart of butter. would anyone like to take a churn? Yeah, over here. let him do it. he's had a lot of branches. yeah, I'm familiar with the motion. yeah, he churns it about four times a day. Ok, come on up. Oh, my God. hey, Tommy. Oh, my God. get me churning next to the St. Paulie girl. what's your name, Patriot? my name's Pat Sullivan. that's my girl Denise over there. yeah, but call me Zazu! All right, I'm on my senior class trip. I'm here from Lexington, Mass, home state of Paul Revere, John Hancock, and Noma! Noma! Ok, you want to Churn? Wow, you got strong arms. he would have definitely survived the hardships of a colonial lifestyle. Hey, math in Washington. I can't understand a frickin'' word you're saying. that accent makes you sound retarded. you are. you are. both y'all are. hey, where'd you get that dress, you old House of Juggery? shut up. you're messing me up. Ok, everyone, continue down to the next signpost where I play with. Kyle's going to show you how to make Johnny Cakes. Bye. bye, everyone. it is hot as a crotch out here. Here, drink this. yeah, it's wireless. grape juice, cognac, and waltzussin'.' I call it the Zazu panty remover. shut up! you shut up. My friends and I, we used to make a drink like this. we did. we used to put peanuts, you know, at the bottom. peanuts at the bottom. peanuts!
No, sir! No, sir! no, sir! sir, that is Rank! are you Irish?
I like Irish, guys. uh, yeah, he is. that's why he bought me this Clada. Oh, my goodness. that is so pretty. you have good taste. did you get that, Tommy?
Why are y'all taping this? this is for our American Studies final. Yeah, we're supposed to write a report on the early Settlers. Yeah, I do all my projects on video because I suffer from several, as yet unnamed learning disabilities. he did not get proper nutrition during his toddler years.
Swear to God. Yeah, his mother's breast milk is like Bailey's Irish cream. that's neither here nor there. she's no stranger to the inside of a squad car. Believe me. that's so sad.
Hey, is it hard to get a job here? Well, you don't want to work here, believe me. the money sucks, and the guy who plays Thomas Jefferson is a total perv. there's just no jobs around here. Yeah, the job market is really ridiculous right now.
Yeah, I got fired from Tom Mccann for using the foot measure inappropriately. apparently, my wiener is a lady size five. niece! we missed the bus. Freak, you were supposed to come get us. I know I lost track of time. I went in the gift shop and bought this fife. Tommy, we missed our bus.
Oh, crap. no way. This is Not Happening. Damn. this is Not happening.
Seriously. Dang. that is a sweet fife. Yeah, I got it for Bob's Day. All right, we are separated from our party. what would the early settlers have done? you know, I mostly just know how to make butter. But if you really get stuck, you could spend the night with me. those two could sleep in the basement. but you can sleep on the floor of my room. uh, not going to happen, Betsy Ross. maybe you want to let him answer. sorry, milk maiden. you may be extremely hot, but what my girl Zazu lacks in beauty, charm, polish, and general physical health, she makes up with her warm personality and her permissive sexual practices. And I love her. you are so gay. you are. What's up? I'm frank. Ok, y'all better get going, because my next group's coming in, and I haven't cleaned the cream off my pole yet. The cream off your pole? Tommy, please tell me you got that. Ha! ha, ha, ha, ha! |
TheOnion | Romney_Still_In_Hot_Water_After_Reading_GOP_Platform_Verbatim | Mitt Romney apologizes to the nation's quote 150 million starving, filthy beggars. A report finds it's not okay to just start talking to people you don't know, and a munchtrocity is created in the Frito laboratory. To those of you in the 47% who think you're entitled to online weekly news recaps, well, quit sucking at the onion's teat. This is the Onion Week in Review.
Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney is still in hot water after a video leaked earlier this week by MotherJones.com showed him reading the GOP platform verbatim. The incriminating footage, which features the candidate at a fundraiser directly affirming the Republican Party's belief that Americans should not feel entitled to health care, food, and housing, has caused a firestorm of controversy, with many experts suspecting Romney may lose support for stating his party's core values. Following the widespread controversy over Romney's remarks, sources say the Republican nominee's campaign called in champion of the poor Paul Ryan for damage control. Saying that Ryan was the first person they thought of to reconnect Romney with lower class voters, campaign officials said the modern day Robin Hood of American politics had already reached out to his throngs of poor supporters to win them back onto the Republican side. Whenever we're facing our hardest times, it's important for us to know there's someone like Paul Ryan in Washington, doggedly defending every blue collar American to his last breath.
I don't know what we'd do without it. Local newborn Nathan Jamison surprised the world earlier this morning by irrevocably losing all faith in humanity after just six days, though he's not yet developed the capacity for speech. Spokespeople for the six-day-old baby have confirmed he already knows that humans cannot be trusted and that most people lack self-awareness about their own destructive tendencies. While most people need around 30 or 40 years to truly understand that the vast majority of humanity is shallow and irredeemable, maybe Nathan's convinced that he has seen all that he needs to see. People have been nice and even brought him toys and presents, but the fact is, Nathan knows they're all full of shit.
And in this week's science report, botanists discover trees are all slowly trying to strangle each other. In other news, the GOP is secretly relieved they can finally get started on 2016, a fun-loving turtle is all business when it comes to feeding time, and a partygoer rolls a couple of fat burritos to pass around. There, we did it again, only furthering our reputation as the greatest heavyweight champion of weekly news videos that ever lived. For more, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
SaturdayNightLive | crown_your_short_king_snl | One bachelorette, 25 men under 5'8". Will this queen, Crowner Short King, find out tonight? Welcome to the finale of Crown Your Short King. Now, Tiffany, you've spent the past three months getting to know these incredible little guys. but now you're down to your last three. Kevin, Harold, Teddy, please step forward. the rest of you may leave. Tiffany, Tonight, you'll have to pick just one to crown as your Short King. Oh. the floor is yours. God, this is so hard. when I came to Short King Mansion, the first thing I thought was, damn, I should have packed more flats. on dating apps, I was that girl who'd write, if you're under six feet, swipe left.
But getting to know all of you has made me realize that I was letting go of some incredible guys. Kevin, I feel so close to you, especially after you opened up and told me your dog has anxiety. Harold, you're seriously the funniest guy on planet Earth.
And tiny Teddy? um, it's just Teddy. right, Teddy. last night, we connected in the overnight suite physically and spiritually. you've all, you've all proven to me that sometimes the best things come in the smallest packages. and sometimes small packages have medium-sized packages. But now I have to choose. Tiffany, wait. before you do, we have one final twist. What?
I have one more bachelor to introduce into the game. Meet Jackson. Yeah, I choose him. Well, nope, not supposed to yet. you don't know anything about- Now what matter? let's get to know him anyway. Jackson, tell Tiffany a little about yourself. Uh, three things about me is that I'm from Pittsburgh.
I technically still have a girlfriend and, uh, I need a bar. $200,000. Okay, so do I just give him the crown now? Or- Tiffany, before you decide, remember, you spent three months with our little bachelors. Just bachelors is fine.
I'm sorry about that, Tiny Teddy. Just Teddy. And actually, when I came here, I said my name was Theodore.
Oh, right. And I said, like that chipmunk. yeah. look, I loved my time with you guys, but with Jackson, I won't have to, like, weirdly bend my knees in photos. Okay, now you're just being rude. don't get mad. I hate it when they get mad. they, like, bowl their little fists.
Oh, whoa, I caught him off. that's awesome, Jackson. right, well, before you make your final decision, we did ask all your remaining suitors to write a list of qualities they love about you. Kevin? your laugh, your smile, the way the sun comes up in your eyes. Beautiful. Harold? you're a good listener. you have great energy, and let's face it, you got great taste in men. Ooh, ooh. hilarious as always, Harold.
Tiffany, from the bottom of my heart, your body is just okay. Yeah, that's fine. you win. Oh, whoa, it's tiny, just like them. Now, Tiffany, are you sure you don't wanna think about this? And, okay. see, you're already making out with Jackson. third season in a row, this has happened. join us next season for Golden, Short King. same little guys, but they're older now, and let's face it, bald.
Oh, my God, they're dancing. |
dropout | the_iphone_6s_s_best_new_feature | With every generation, Apple has strived to make its revolutionary iPhone the most minimal and efficient product on planet earth. This is why we've streamlined our new successes and removed the most useless feature of the phone. The phone. Because nobody makes fucking phone calls anymore. Not only have we fixed a redundant feature, we've solved every bug that the phone app was responsible for.
Bugs like thinking a relative has died every time your dad calls you, making dating more complicated than it should be. And of course, butt-dialing. It's incredible. $30 to $40 of your data plan is for a service you barely ever use. AT&T is really butt-fucking you. When you need to make plans, you text. When you want to order something, you go online. And when you're horny, you don't call a phone-sense line. You google webcam hotties go to town on each other. Welcome to the future. When's the last time you made a phone call?
Did you have to? Or were you just trying to make a sort of human connection? If so, then fuck you. You're making the rest of our lives more complicated.
The 6S's innovative text-back feature will automatically send the standard can't-talk-what's-up text that you would normally send anyone who calls you. Finally, the 6S is also the first iPhone without that built-in stock app you've never opened.
Ever. Not even once. If you cared about stocks, you'd have a Blackberry. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_147_Tana_Douglas | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooda Advocate radio show recording live here in downtown Batooda down here in Budgie Smuggle Studios, you're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and Errol Parker. How are you Errol?
Good mate. Always good. Always good to get up and do an interview. I love doing these.
In 2020 and into 2021 a lot of industries have been affected as we kind of mentioned each week someone that we're interviewing has in some way been affected as we all have. But one industry that has been rocked to its core, pardon the pun, is live music. A lot has changed for that industry in the last 18 months and a lot of people are now sitting at home reminiscing on a time when we could all go to gigs and that day will come again but you know it's a waiting game for now and there's a lot of things that need to happen before that. Today's guest probably has a different experience and looks at live music and gigs a bit differently to the rest of us after a lifetime backstage and bumping in and bumping out and everything else that comes with it. Today we're joined by Tana Douglas live from LA and Tana is commonly known as and probably officially the world's first female roadie. Thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me guys. Now that title first female roadie was that getting thrown around when you first kind of got into the game? No I don't think anyone wanted to admit there was a female roadie back then it was just like she's here I don't know what we're going to do with her you know is she going to go the distance let's not make any statements until we see where this is going to go you know you know I mean I sort of hit the ground running and so I didn't really have time to look around and see if there were any other females out there you know I mean I was just with this group this crew that were all men and it didn't really occur to me at the time and then you know it was it was probably a few years but well you know when I started working with international bands like the ACT after I'd left ACDC they were surprised to see a female you know and they're going oh this must be an Australian thing so it sort of started then and then over the years I didn't come across any so it took quite a while it was like mid 80s before I actually even did a tour with another female but yeah so at the time I was just busy working you know so that was way back when that was when pub rock was the era when you hit the ground it was huge yeah huge pub rock era absolutely you know we do I mean why I didn't have time to look around was because you know once I got with ACDC some weeks we do 14 shows I mean it was just outrageous you know you just you didn't have time to do anything let alone go oh who else is doing whatever for whatever other band it just didn't happen now aside from that that title we introduced you with first female road in the world your stripes on the road and the band you work with is of far more kind of notoriety and far more notable than anything else that we can um you know any other record you broke to to start your career with bands like ACDC can you tell us how that all went down yeah I mean I was I actually the first band I worked for took me out of Sydney I was living in Sydney at the time that they were a Melbourne band called Fox and uh I started working with them and they actually offered me a job and said you know when they come up and visit Sydney they offered me a job and said you want to move back down to Melbourne with us and keep working you know so I said yeah and unfortunately that meant I had to move back in with my mother which was a bit which was a bit awkward working for a rock and roll band and living back with your mother for the first time in however many years so you know when the offer came up for a band and sell me to live it was like oh hell yeah I'm in get me out of the house again please so how do you get into it I mean like it isn't like these jobs are really advertised in the back of newspapers or are they no no they're absolutely not to begin with it's probably about 80 percent personality and then you've got to be able to do your dues you know but what happened was I'd done a brief production thing with Philippe Petit he did a commando tightrope walk across the Sydney Harbour Bridge and I'd been up at the Nimbin Festival and and I got invited to come down and help out with that so that was my first taste of production so to speak even though it wasn't with music then you know within six months I was back down in Sydney and after I'd had a bit of a rough time in the cross and that that hadn't gone well for me and I decided I needed to get out and change a few things for safety sake um I moved in with a couple of young girls and one of them they were both into clubbing and stuff like that so it changed my whole outlook and I went to the Whiskey A Go Go and um the first night I went down there there was a really well-known Australian road crew person called Wayne Swampy Jarvis he saw me there and you know he knew the girls and he said oh you've never been to a show before here come and sit here we're standing next to the to the sound desk and that's the best place to watch the show from so I'm standing there and I'm looking at these guys I really didn't have a clue of what they were doing I didn't know what it was really and I couldn't ask them because I'm busy working and then I saw all these other people coming on and off stage and you know when there was a break between sets you know I asked him I said you know who are all these people and what are they doing and he's like well they're roadies you know and I'm like roadies you know and then he's gone they all travel with us and we're leaving tomorrow we're going down to Melbourne and then Adelaide and so I've gone well hang on a minute you travel you get to listen to music and you get paid I'm in this is really good this is something I could do you know so that was my first inkling to it then I got offered um it was funny actually it was the same girl that invited me down to that show wanted to get back to Melbourne so we took her down to this band Fox that came up to Sydney she was going to try and get a free lift back down with them you know because she didn't have any money so it was like if she got in the truck with the crew she could get a free ride back down to Melbourne so we went to the show and the plan was to get her this free ride and you know get her back to Melbourne and you know everyone's drinking and carrying on and partying and stuff and not a lot of work's getting done at all you know so I popped the question I was like you know guys she really needs to get back to Melbourne could she go with you guys and one of the guys in the band Peter Laffey he looks over at the stage and he says you know if those guys get out of here tonight she can go down with them but otherwise forget it you know and I look over at the stage and they're falling about all over the place it's like oh this looks a bit rough so I said well why don't I give them a hand and everyone of course laughed they're all like and so they thought it was a great joke and they yell out to the crew they go hey she's going to come and give you a hand you know and the crew's like oh no so I wander over there and you know they teach me simple things like how to break down the drum kit and I didn't damage anything or drop anything or hurt myself so then they showed me how to coil a cable properly and it's like oh she can do that as well and then when it got to the point of loading the truck it's like no no I'll go you know and then they went they couldn't realize they couldn't believe how strong I was they're like oh she could lift anything we can you know so from that one night when they came back to town again that's where I got my first gig you know they came back with only one guy instead of two and they just rained me and said look can you come down and help us out and then you know we did half a dozen shows in Sydney and they said look you know this is working really well do you want to come to Melbourne so that was the start of a career it started off as a joke really trying to get your friend to ride yeah exactly trying to get her out of town exactly could you paint us a bit of a picture of what the scene was like back then like what were places like Kings Cross and the the valley up in Brisbane like like obviously that they've changed a lot to what they are now yeah yeah the valley was pretty rough actually I mean I used to stay mostly around the town center you know I mean I was just 15 you know what I mean so yeah I went to a few I went to a few clubs in the valley and I think one of my first experiences was watching someone od and we had to walk the guy keep him walking and moving and stuff so it was like no this isn't for me it's not going to get out of this one and then of course yeah and then of course I go out of the pan into the fire with Kings Cross it's like the cross was rough in those days I mean it was heavy it was it was heavy in a way that people just did not realize you know you get all the R&R guys were still coming through all the American soldiers and stuff and they'd get in all sorts of trouble because they just didn't realize how feral Australians could be and we were pretty we're pretty feral bugs you know so you know I got myself in trouble you know I thought I was okay and I was hanging out with all the locals and I thought oh this is fun until it turned a little serious and then it was like I gotta get out of here you know this is this is not good or I'll end up spending my entire life here you know and that wasn't that wasn't something I wanted well yeah last week we interviewed Father John from Wayside Chapel and he actually you know day-to-day works with the people that never left so um absolutely sounds like you made the right call yeah yeah yeah he's got he's got a rough job and it's been like that for decades yeah and they've just repealed the lockout laws so it might Kings Cross might make the return so we'll see oh wow yeah good time to leave I thought hopefully there's a happy medium that they commit to him yeah ideally now you mentioned before that you kind of first got your taste with a tightrope walker you met who uh Philippe Petit down in uh in Nimbin that sounds like a you know just a passing kind of tangent in your story but that actually was the festival that revolutionized Nimbin wasn't it the Aquarius festival was kind of when the hippies first arrived there they'd never actually that was a timberlopping town in Nimbin before that festival which you were actually at so you know that's almost a Woodstock moment what what could you tell us how you ended up there was that just a little Toowoomba girl jumped on a bus south or no no it was it was my Woodstock moment because when I was 11 years old in boarding school I discovered Janice Joplin right and I also then heard about Woodstock yeah and in my 11 year old minds I thought I could go to Woodstock you know so I'd called my father and said I want to go to Woodstock and everyone's like you're insane you know locker up for the holidays you keep tabs on it so when and so I got grounded obviously and never was allowed to go obviously no brainer to everyone except for me but then when Nimbin came up it's like you know what I'm not going to tell anyone I'm just going to go because this is going to be my Woodstock you know so so that's what I did I just packed a little bag and ran out of the house and never looked back went down there with a couple of other people and yeah I mean you know it was put on by university students Nimbin and the reason why they picked Nimbin is because the town was dying you know it was almost a ghost town you know it was in very bad condition it was far enough away from all the capital cities to hopefully not draw enough attention you know for it to get shut down or anything and um you know the place where it was it backed onto a national forest and so it was out of the way you know so that's the only way they could have pulled it off but you know I'm sure nobody had any idea of what they were creating at the time because it's just still it's still there I mean it's like I'm kind of a two minds of it I'd kind of love to go and see it but then I'd kind of be a little scared in case god forbid I bumped into someone who I'd seen there oh my god they're still there yeah probably probably sitting there working in the information center still uh yeah yeah never left it's like oh my god telling you where you can go and find a vegan cigarette there's uh it's still it's still I mean people people say you know people like to say oh the the cross has changed or the valley's changed or Nimbin's changed but you know the old heads are still there especially the ones that kind of uh created these places now absolutely it seems like you had a sense of adventure from a young age obviously uh 11 year old already looking for your own wood stock tell us when you find you know you found yourself surrounded by these now historical like iconic household names these bands did you know what was happening when you were around these guys when you were around Bon Scott and uh you know and and the other bands you ended up working alongside did you realize that I'm now working with someone who they're going to talk about for 100 years there was an energy in that room I mean I got taken to the house to meet them they were just down there for a couple of days it was before it was a full band actually I mean they've been a version of ACDC but this was on a just joined there was Malcolm and Angus there was Harry Banda and George Young that was it in the house at the time you know and they were just starting work on the first album so I walked in you know and they were all just standing around chatting and it was kind of confusing to me because obviously Malcolm and Angus were close to my age but the rest of them were much older including Bon you know Bon was more in the age group of Harry and George but he was with Malcolm and Angus you know so I sort of walked in and it's like wow what's going on here I didn't quite get what was going on and then I got introduced to everyone and brother George did that actually he took the lead as he did and he introduced me to everyone so then it all fell into place of who was who within a few minutes you could tell there was something really special going on here and there was something that I definitely wanted to be a part of and I was quite happy to leave the band I was with to become a part of this it was more than just being able to live in the house and get away from my mother it was like you know there's something special here and then once we started gigging and we've got the other two members we got Phil and then eventually we got Mark then you know once all five were together it was like there's no stopping these guys I mean they're worth it the work ethic and the conviction from now was astronomical I mean it never faltered it was like this is it this is what we're doing this is where we are and let's go and that's where the 14 shows in a week came in you know just whatever it took I mean we didn't do that every week but we did it frequently and you're 17 at this point you're not old enough to drink in pubs in half of the uh half of the places you're visiting was that obviously a benefit to your career uh the fact that you weren't allowed in with them afterwards no no no because I never got carded once I mean I don't know if anybody got carded in those days I'm not sure I used to run interference actually for Angus who was a year older than me Angus was actually 18 he was okay I was the one that was underage you know but police did turn up to sort of give Angus a hard time and I'd sort of run interference and say oh come on guys let's let me buy you a drink at the bar and then they'd go I said they can't get out of the dressing room there's only one entrance they've got to walk across the stage we'll see them but if you don't mind I don't want to take you in there when they're all undressed and sweaty and stuff that's not good for a girl and they're like oh okay sweetheart yeah so they'd take me over to the bar and we'd sit and have a drink and then I'd say to them I say you know I said they should be out any minute but just in case I think you should probably know you just bought me a drink and I'm only 17 I said but just between you and me the good news is Angus is 18 and just like so that was sort of the extra bits that you do for the band you know so so what was the experience like you're working and living with the same group of people day in and day out for months at a time did you ever find that just got to be a bit too much and you just had to go for a walk in the park on your own for an hour or two not for a lot of years no I mean I'd finally found in my mind a family unit you know it was as near as I got to a family unit so I was as happy as anything I was just like oh this is fabulous I finally got a bunch of people who I can think of as a family and years down the road when it gets a bit much I would just get up and leave but not come back if I ever got up and went for a walk it was like oh she's gone but but it would take a lot to get him to do that but yeah yeah no it was it was the family that I've been looking for actually I mean and it just continued over the years with different crews and different bands and different production companies it's it's as close as I've ever come you know I mean I do have two half sisters and two half brothers who only in the last couple of years I've been in touch with because you know it was such a shattered family so it's kind of interesting but it's a little weird at this stage of the game to be honest so where were you from awkward where were you from as a young as a as a young kid were you from Toowoomba or you were sent to Toowoomba as the nearest boarding school yeah I know I started off in Brisbane and then my mother did a runner with me and one of my half sisters when I was four okay so and from the time I was four till the time I was 11 we traveled constantly up and down the east coast of Australia so like in that amount of time you know by the time I was I went to boarding school I'd already been to like 11 different schools okay yeah you know which is a lot of schools you know so the the relationship with the mother was was not good and it got worse and it deteriorated really rapidly so that's when my father came into the picture that um they decided that they had to send me to him because it was safer so that's when I went to boarding school because he'd been he'd been looking for this cute little four-year-old that got taken away from him and what he got back was a feral 11 year old so he's like ow okay maybe maybe we should put her into boarding school take off some of those rough edges she's talking about wood stock here yeah that was after I'd started boarding school so it's like oh god I'm wasting my money but it's it sounds like you did I mean I mean it sounds like you did get a kind of taste for moving around and kind of meeting new people every every night uh every place you stayed did you yeah I mean it came naturally yeah it came so it did like did you do you now have that kind of rapport where you can move in and out of a circle you know with that kind of uh roadie mentality where you might run into someone in five years and you've kind of nothing's changed and we're back at work absolutely yeah absolutely yeah yeah it's an important part of my life actually it's like it's a really good part of my life you know and it's I think it's a special thing and anyone who has that should be really really grateful can you tell us about when the first time came that you were taken on tour overseas all of us know that acdc's you know it's it's an Australian band but what was it like to go overseas you know for the first time well I went out I went overseas separately to them I actually left before they did yep because I'd already been working for international bands with Paul Dainty the promoter yeah so from those shows I did like six tours in seven months or something with with um Paul Dainty and around Australia for international bands and out of that I got offered a tour in the states which was going to be Bob Dylan's Rolling Thunder reviewed part two they'd already done part one yeah and what happened was that that fell apart really you know the promoter it just went all wrong so they called me and said look you shouldn't come because it's not going to last and it only lasted I think 10 days or something but I'd already had my mind set so I said well I'm going anyway so I mean I didn't go to America though I went to England yeah so I went to England and I just finished a tour with Status Crow in Australia and they were in the states but by the time they got back from the states and I've been starving on the streets for a couple of months in England which wasn't very pleasant no it just it worked out that they were looking for someone to build their lighting system because they were built buying their own lights and sounds so because they were going to be touring non-stop and you know they appreciated me from um the Australian tour and again my original mentor Wayne Swampy Jarvis was working for them directly now living in England so it was this big tie-in so it was great you know it was like again it was like all familiar faces and we all knew each other and finally I had a job and could get a roof over my head so that was good too that was a bonus because winter was starting so that was really good but um that's how I started over there and I worked with Quo for about four years and then I moved on to a production company and that's when I started working for multiple different bands. A gun for hire kind of situation. That's right yeah I ended up actually taking Status Quo's lighting rig when they finally stopped touring and they were going to take a year off for tax reasons um I took that rig into a production company and they'd only had sound systems up until that time so now they could offer the full service of sound and lights right and I ran the and I ran the lighting rig department so that way I never stopped working so it was good you know it was it was good for the band they were making money on the rig when they weren't working and I was working non-stop so I was making money and I was getting promoted up the ladder as being in charge of my whole department yeah so it was it was good all round so you had the keys to the kingdom you knew how the lighting worked and and you could show these uh I guess the whole industry was at that point climbing the ranks too while you were climbing with it. Everybody and I think that may also have helped me because things were changing so dramatically and so quickly that everyone was scrambling to keep up so they really didn't have time to look to the left and go oh god is she still here they just said you know and then it was like oh my god what do you mean she's my boss how did that happen so but you know you look you learn the best way to treat people and treat crews you treat them well and and they'll they'll go to the end of the world for you.
Now you you mentioned their status quo ACDC I mean before you were 21 there was Carlos Santana, Iggy Pop, Neil Diamond now we're going to ask some of the questions that I'm sure a lot of bratty kind of uh young blokes ask you who was the naughtiest? Who was the naughtiest? Well there was a few naughty ones there and they're all naughty in their own ways so Bon was the cheeky naughty one that would get away with blue murder and and just flash his grin and wink at you and give you a hug and then run away so he always got out of trouble. Then funnily enough Carlos Santana was quite cheeky as well but he was so laid back and sort of cosmic that you didn't ever want to call him on because he was that cool like that on vibe you know he was so then Francis Rossi with Quo's a cheeky boy he's definitely a cheeky boy but the biggest brat factor what I call a brat factor I would say would be Iggy Pop. Iggy's a bit of a brat when he wants to be in a good way though he's it's I kind of like Iggy's brat factor as opposed to say Elton John's brat factor not for me yeah but Iggy's brat factor I can deal with and get a laugh out of yeah so it's the difference between being a pest and being a princess absolutely absolutely I don't do tiara's but you kind of would have seen this partying that obviously has been mythologized by by you know fans of music and everyone really likes to think that their favorite musician is is the wildest bloke you know backstage how did you kind of evade that kind of whirlpool I guess you'd say that you know that we have seen and read that a lot of musicians ended up in oh yeah I you know unfortunately I didn't evade it very well at all I pretty much dived right in you know I mean it's it's all there it's all being offered it's all free most of the time you know what I mean and it's like and it's you know the person you're working for goes come on we're going to the bar and then we're going out to a party and then it's like two in the morning and they're like you're not going you can't go come on we got we're going to go do this now we're going to do this and you know you can't so it's kind of hard to say no yeah you know no I I have to go to bed now because I've got to be up in three hours you on the other hand don't have to be up for another 12 hours yeah you know that's that's the tricky bit that's the tricky bit is finding that balance of how little sleep can you really survive on who do you think's got the hardest job then on the road crew I mean like who's got me you know I mean well seriously they all they do say I mean lighting is I mean the rigors come in first and leave last but they get to sleep all day you know what I mean whereas a lighting lighting crew and now video and stuff like that it's pretty much the same thing you start first you've got the earliest calls you don't stop all day and then you know you're pretty much the last ones out as well because you've got to wait for the rigging because that travels with you you know with your your truck so yeah it is lighting I mean I didn't pick an easy job you know we we used to call the back line crew the country club you know because they just rock up in the afternoon you know do the show pack away a few boxes and they'd be back on the bus you know but um if I was smart I guess I probably should have stayed doing back line but but no I decided I'd do the hardest job or the longest job that way did you ever see any accidents yeah yeah unfortunately yeah yeah there was no health and safety whatsoever for Dan's decades we're out there and everything we used was an adaptation from something else you know so I mean even you know like the the genie tower lifts that that you wind up you know they were meant to lift something just the size of the forks not something that's fanned 40 foot across the stage so that was always playing like stress and stuff on the columns and things you know you'd get up and everyone would be winding them up and it's all looking good and then all of a sudden you see that three shafts are stuck together on one of them and it just crashes boom and the whole thing goes boom you know and if there's someone up there on it it's like really scary you know stages collapsed we had a rigger fall out of the roof at Wembley empire pool that was tragic he did survive he did survive but again you know the motors the chain motors that are used in rigging were converted and run upside down so you would have a problem you would have a problem with um oil and stuff yeah and if it gets on the chain and you're climbing on the chain you're gonna slip yeah so there was always something there was always something that you had to be aware of and usually it wasn't something you did yourself it was usually something that was already there or something that had been adapted and you're told oh yeah the stage is up it's fabulous you know well it is until you step onto it off the stage are these people who go out on stage in front of tens of thousands sometimes hundreds of thousands of people are they in your opinion just like a regular person when they're not doing that i mean like or are they always on some of them are on more than others but you know i i sort of i gravitate to a certain sort of person you know naturally and like whether in any social situation whether it's like on a tour or off a tour and i tend to go for the brain you know so i'd like to be able to have a good conversation about anything i mean for example like white snake i'm on a white snake to a you know david coverdale's the star obviously and he's a darling you know we'd hang out we'd hang out in bars and stuff i'd be his sidekick you know when he's pulling girls because he'd say it was better if he had a girl with him they trust him more it's like you're making a traitor out of me but if i wanted to actually like hang out and have a conversation and stuff i'd go to john lord you know it was like him and i'd share like the sunday crossword puzzle and we talk about all sorts of things you know so you know it's it just depends you know some of them don't turn off and that's really unfortunate it depends what they're doing you know i mean you know you've got to realize 70s 80s even into the early 90s you know cocaine was just out of control you know everyone was doing it all over the place you know the only thing that changed in the 90s is they lied and said they weren't doing it but they still were you know so so and and you know that's that's one of those things where it seems to be harmless for a while but then all of a sudden you start getting out of control you know and you can tell that you can notice it on a cruise you notice it within band members and and that's when it gets a little nasty a little ugly you know because who's going to tell the person you can't do that because whoever tells them you can't do that's going to get fired yeah you know so you know it's tough it should have been a manager's position or you know get him a babysitter do whatever you know whatever it takes it should never really be the crew's job to do it yeah you know because it's it's tough it breaks that bond there's there's like an unwritten bond between a crew member and a band member that they know that they can trust you and say anything and it won't go any further and i've been careful with that in this book you know i mean i think i've been respectful to that yeah you know i mean i've told a lot of fun stories and stuff but you know if someone wants to dish dirt they can do that themselves it's not my job so it's tough you know when when someone starts spinning out of control and so how do you handle it elton when i was with elton unfortunately that was what he was doing he was spinning out of control and it got really ugly you know it got ugly to the point that i just didn't want to be there anymore so it's it's tough you you mentioned like i mean there's obviously a lot of health and safety hazards that you kind of lived through that a lot of people nowadays wouldn't have to really even consider and as you said a lot of this is all in your book loud um the new book you've just written loud which is telling all of these stories and and respectfully so as you mentioned uh you know you don't exactly name names but uh another health and safety kind of element or at least a workplace element that is mentioned in your book is that you know you were doing this and you were the only kind of female on the ground as a part of the team 40 years before the me too movement and at that same time there was i guess probably the peak of the idea of groupies you know and following bands how did you deal with that dynamic as you know a trusted kind of confidant of musicians with a bunch of young girls backstage and this is the most important night of their life yeah you know in the beginning when i was really young and starting out it was the girls that wanted to get backstage it gave me a hard time they kind of saw me as like an obstacle so to speak as i got as i got older and more established and i guess climbed up the ladder a bit and and was working for multiple different bands i'd find that wives and girlfriends yeah would befriend me and it's like why are you befriending me i just you're you're wearing you're wearing really expensive clothes and fake breasts and i've just loaded 10 trucks what what do we have in common here they wanted to know they want to know what their husband or boyfriend's been doing out on the road it's like uh-uh that's not my job you know you're asking the wrong person here please don't don't put me in that position because it's not going to end well for you so as i got more established that would be it and and as far as girls coming to meet bands and stuff i'd see them walking by and stuff but they would you know i'd be too busy it's like i'd be a constant moving target so you know you see them but you know i would always physically stay away from that because that was kind of my biggest fear was to be typecast as someone who was just doing the job because she wanted to you know land a musician or whatever so i was really sensitive to that but i've met some of the girls over the years that are well-known groupies i guess you call them and they're actually really nice girls they're really nice girls some a lot of them and they just love musicians you know so we all might a judge you know it's not you know no different to men acting giggly when their favorite footballer walks in the pub exactly or or what never gets talked about men groupies that never gets discussed and this they're out there they are out there with i mean with a texter in hand in an airport near you yeah exactly now obviously life goes on for you as well alongside this i mean how are you balancing that work-life balance throughout throughout your career on the road is is is a lifestyle but you've also got a life outside of that i really didn't you know i was i i would tour like 11 months a year right right okay you know and so so my whole environment was people i either knew through work or worked with or had worked with you know and and that was how it was and and that's the same for a lot of crew people you get in this and it is you know the cliche word is it's a bubble you know but you're in that bubble and you find you only ever speak to people who do that job you know who are either musicians or a production crew and it actually it's awkward talking to people outside of that because they usually want something they're like oh you do that can i come to the show or can you get me an autograph or you know can i have an album or you know and it's like well no no and i would never do that i would never go to a band and say can you give me an autograph for someone you know i always felt because again it was that girl going to a band member asking for that i just didn't want to do it so it was like you got the wrong person don't ask me to do that i can't do that i never did it for myself so i wasn't going to do it for someone else you know so it's it's tough you know that becomes your whole world and it's also it's it's also a troubling thing when people retire when they stop touring because they haven't known any other life yeah so you know there's there's an incredibly high suicide rate with crew people right i don't know if you're aware of that but um there was a survey done not so long ago and they were saying that at least 19 percent of all crew people that were spoken to for this survey admitted to feeling suicidal within the last 12 months and that was before covid that was nothing to do with covid so it's an incredibly high risk job and it's a stressful job and that's a side that people don't ever really see and that's sort of a bit of the side that i wanted to show that these people do really work hard yeah you know and they do give their all to it yeah how did you find adapting to the settled life when you pulled up stumps i mean at some capacity throughout you know your life i'm not sure if you if you still if you've got one more world tour in you with someone like AC DC reunion i mean those guys will never stop but uh yeah how did you find how did you find adapting to um you know to the i mean i don't imagine i don't imagine you went full white picket fence you didn't go full white picket fence and pull up in the suburbs i imagine but no but you did you did settle down suburbs are not for me suburbs are not for me what i did is i kept evolving throughout my career yeah so what i do is i change job as things were needed you know like i i had a son and i couldn't tour so instead of touring or like i couldn't go out on a 12-month tour an 18-month tour so i did logistics instead so with logistics what you're doing is you're taking care of several bands at the same time and you're doing all of their customs for all their equipment you're chartering air freight planes and ocean containers and and travel logistics and you're doing all of that and so you're still doing an incredibly important job and a job that really nobody on the crew understands even but what they do is and and it's the good thing was that i'd come up through the ranks so they felt safe handing the equipment over because the last thing a crew person ever wants to do is give the band's equipment over to somebody you know they're like that's my responsibility you know what i mean but it was like because i knew what was in the cases and i knew the equipment and i knew all the different departments because i'd worked in them then you know i i became quite successful at that and had quite a successful company for a while and you know so that was a really good thing so you know just evolving to me is something you know i always had in my mind that i thought you know it's not a good look to see a woman loading a truck when she's 50 years old you know it's bad enough watching a guy do it when they're 50 but to see a woman is it any different no it's just my personal thing yeah i didn't want to be doing it you know what i mean so i've always evolved you know and then i evolved to you know non-profits for putting music back into schools doing that sort of thing and then writing the book so you know i've been i've been incredibly busy and very fortunate actually even through times of covid you know to have this going on and during covid is you know it's a distraction hopefully people will see it as a distraction they can read and they can get a bit of enjoyment out of it and and think of the time when it's all going to come back and it's going to be real again you know that's hopefully what we can get from this well well we're glad the stories have been told you know we're glad that you've written it down and you know we've had a great chat today and those listening can find all this and more a lot more in your new book loud you know uh you're obviously a uh an icon to to the industry and uh you know you mentioned to us and by some musicians who you know obviously think the world of you and and all this is in the book so we look forward to uh reading and and hearing a lot more from you but uh thank you for joining us today thank you so much for having me it's been a real pleasure thanks guys thank you thank you |
cracked | why_mathematicians_are_furious_with_this_one_professor | Professor Scott Bug is the current Vice Learn Fellow in charge of space at the Cosmolarium of Wiese Shrupshire Brook in London on Hildredge, Utah. Bug got his start in education by walking into classrooms and speaking until escorted out. He has five degrees in remedial advanced and two in just science. Professor Bug recently received the Jeff Award for discovering the two best moons of Titan. Both are named after him, so Scott and Scott.
If something emerges, is it anything? Are we the universe anything at all?
Well, ancient Greek philosopher Manjemou Bubby had some very interesting things to say about that, but he also said, please mention me, and no one has until literally this moment in time. So, sorry there, Manjemou.
Now, without something creating everything, like a god or an orange or something, how is it possible? I've got a bunch of stuff, but, like, I just didn't. So where did it come from? You know, it's weird, but we do not need a god to make those things.
We simply need mathies. Known in the States as mathematicals, the process by which we do a math. Known on the sea by no name. Because mathies does not work if you're, like, feeling a little queasy or scared. But we can use mathies to get a universe from nothing. Because in general, when in doubt, consult a trusted loved one. When in, like, a math type situation, use mathies. Now, from the simplicity of one, plus one, equals two, to an example of a calculus problem, mathies can help us understand how we can go from less than crapola, like nothing at all, right, yeah, yeah, to a universe. Well, just like Newton invented calculus when he was just, like, two, we also must create our own new type of mathies.
So in 1987, discovered originally by a scientist known only as the Beast Eagle, the original variatrix suggests, and then outright says, that we need to stop thinking of the universe as one, and more like whatever. You know, because it's like a universe as many things. It could be any number of numbers. So instead of one, it can be many things, yeah? And now here we are, since this can be whatever. Let's say it's also zero. And then this equaling here is same z's, so we can replace both here with whatever, like a universe. So from nothing comes nothing, or from a universe is the same universe here, using mathies to prove beyond a doubt that we are all either all one, or we are all nothing at all, less than crapola. Shite, shit, shite, and poo, thank you very much. |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_jeopardy_bill_cosby_sharon_osbourne_sean_connery_snl | Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! We've got a real barn burner on our hands here.
In second place with negative $82,300 is Bill Cosby. look at all the nice people in the audience. so many beautiful people, a jello pudding pops up. Great. in first place with negative $82,400 is Sharon Osbourne. And in last place with negative $120,000.
Sean Connery. well, well, well, Trebek. fancy seeing you here. it's been a while. not long enough. that's not what your mother said last night. Okay, here are the categories for Double Jeopardy. they are potent potables, colors that are red, Japan-u.s. relations. I have no idea what that category is doing up there. I had relationships this morning, Trebek. hope we didn't wake you. your mother's a screamer. for your information, my mother's in a nursing home in Alberta, Canada.
Oh, she was nushing it. All right. great. moving on. How many fingers am I holding up? Black comedians named Whoopi. the letter that comes after B. And finally, automatic points. if you choose that category, you are automatically awarded the points. Sharon Osbourne, you're in the lead, so you can pick first. may I suggest automatic points? No. Okay. How many fingers am I holding up on this hand? Sharon Osbourne. How many fingers? No.
Bill Cosby. Why do the people today need to curse with their mouths? She should be setting an example for the young people. that's why they're walking around with the pants they can hold down to interrupt music. that is why they lie, cheat, and steal. Fascinating, Mr. Cosby. How many fingers am I holding up? Sean Connery.
I've got a finger for you, Trebek. please don't cut to him. What do you think of that, Trebek? Okay, that's not a finger and you know it. Oh, don't be so shocked, Trebek, like you've never seen one before. let's just move on.
I believe you'd find it in the R section. No, no, not in the R's. not in the R's. that's not what your mother said. I walked right into that one. Dr. Cosby, would you like to pick a category? that's Dr. William H. Cosby Jr. E.d.d. Okay, would you like to pick a category?
No, I would not. Okay, Mr. Connery. I'll take Jap Anis relations for 200. I'm sorry, that's Japan-u.s. relations. that's just awful and you know it. Look, why don't we just go to Final Jeopardy?
The category is first grade math. and the question is, write a math problem. A first grader would know. Two plus two, One plus one. you don't have to answer it, just write it. write two plus two equals twelve. I really don't care. just write any numbers in a row. and let's see what kind of mess you've made of this one, shall we?
Dr. Cosby wrote. .frasal snazzle. that's right, I wrote down the square root of the snazzle and for laggle. And you wagered. .belible blabble. correct with the flabble and the snazzle and my wife come here. inspiring. absolutely inspiring. Sharon Osborne, see what you wrote. Oh my Lord. that's the filthiest word I've ever seen. Yes! Well, Minnie wrote it! right? frankly, I don't care what you wagered. Sean Connery, let's see what you wrote.
Zero plus zero minus zero equals zero. I think we have a winner. those are numbers. a first grader would know that. I can't believe it. Well, that's all the time we have. Don't you want to see what I wagered, Trebek? do I? you promised me it's still a number. Absolutely. friend? sure. it is a number, number two, get it?
Okay, that's it, I quit. once and for all, really. Good night. |
TheOnion | compost_fueled_cars_wouldn_t_that_be_great_onion_talks_ep_1 | Two birds with one stone. Although birds are no longer the problems we need to kill, the idea of achieving two goals simultaneously still remains very much a part of the human experience.
Every day, we use over 400 million gallons of fuel. There is so much compost in the world.
We're looking in the eyes of two horrible birds.
And we just need a rock that is big enough, efficient enough, and innovative enough to bludgeon them. That rock is an idea, my idea, to create a car that runs on compost.
So how does it work? Well, it's quite simple.
Instead of using gas, it uses compost. Compostization, that's my idea for what we'll call the process of converting compost into fuel.
The idea is there. It just needs implementation. Step one, devise an idea to create a car that runs on compost. Step two, create the car. We've already completed step one. We're halfway there. I'm an idea man. I link up with implementers, and then we share the money. Once the car is produced, we will sell its designs to a major automaker. That's another idea. We just need people to do those things. It'd be great if the car itself were compostable. In my mind, we could construct the car using technologies already available to us for just half the cost. Economists will try to tell you this is impossible. I've already thought of that. Feasibility deals with implementation.
I'm not involved in that.
Get the best engineers, pay them double what they make, and I'm confident they will do this. The upside is just too great not to. If my idea is implemented correctly, there could be a new job for every car made. Some of you will be able to have two jobs, but you'll still have time to do your current jobs as well. With the car being sold to the entire world, and my team of engineers and I profiting wholeheartedly, imagine what other groundbreaking ideas I could be thinking of.
Behind every great achievement is a visionary. I'll be your visionary, and you do the things I come up with. Thank you.
Join me on my cross-country odyssey as I make our forefathers proud, reveling in life, liberty, and the pursuit of pork. Do you really taste cooked pork? This stuff is fantastic. I'm a big salt fan. Let's pork. This is Porkin' Across America. |
dropout | D_oh_Actually_A_Special_Simpsons_Episode_Um_Actually_Full_Episode | This is a Simpsons episode of Um, Actually. From Mr. Snurub to Jub Jub, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is a Simpsons episode of Um, Actually.
Man, this is, like, already smile on my face. You know, the weird thing is that we've done so many episodes of this, and The Simpsons is probably the thing I actually know the most about, and I've done the fewest questions about. But, man, this is gonna be fun. This is gonna be a great time. Then we'll quiz you, right?
No way! At the tables, the student will become the teacher. Yeah. I've already accepted that I'm gonna lose to Julia. No! I've already accepted that. No!
Look, life is just one failure after another. Right, right, right. Just makes Julia lose.
I'm gonna say we're all gonna have a perfectly cromulent time today. Yeah! We're gonna embiggen. Yeah, it's gonna be okay. Lovely.
Well, the three of you are all, you're all Simpsons fans. I have here a stack of Simpsons statements, statements from about The Simpsons that are incorrect somehow. There's something wrong with these.
It'd be up to you to correct me. All corrections must be perceived with the phrase, um, actually. If you don't, I won't give you the point. And you can interrupt me whenever you want. Let's go ahead and get started, then buzzers at the ready. And we'll start with our first statement here.
In 2001, The Simpsons ended a clip show episode with a parody of We Didn't Start the Fire called They'll Never Stop The Simpsons, which summarized past episodes and speculated about crazy episodes yet to come. Some potential future episodes include Marge becoming a robot, Mo getting a cell phone, and Selma marrying Grandpa Simpson, all of which later became real plot points in later seasons. Okay, um, actually, the Marge doesn't become a robot. That's not an episode that comes up.
That would make sense, and that is in fact the correct answer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, uh, uh. But yeah. This is my robot.
I don't know why I don't know. Somebody asked me why I do this the other day, and I was like, I don't know.
Now I've become self-conscious about this. Yeah, all those other things were eventually, like, things that you do actually see in The Simpsons, which feels like a weird meta-joke on ourselves. Just like, eh, yeah, like what was once a, could you even imagine if we did a story like this has become this? But then when you get greenlit for season 30, you start to go, what were we talking about in 2001? They didn't even know.
Let's go back. Let's get the cell phone. Yeah. Yeah, we're from season 30. We only hire from Harvard. We're running out of time. Right, right, right. I do get it, because there are some times, like, I've been writing sketches, called humor for a long time, and they're definitely sometimes it's like, okay, another week, I need some more ideas, and they're like, what do I have in the file? What's going on back here? Absolutely, yeah. Well, that was at that point. We'll go to Haley, and we move right along.
Even characters on The Simpsons like to give you things to correct. In the episode Lisa's Substitute, a substitute teacher, Mr. Bergstrom, enters class dressed as a Texan cowboy from 1830 with three things wrong with his outfit. Lisa wins his hat after correctly identifying his anachronistic revolver, the state of Texas belt buckle, and his digital watch. Yes, Kirk.
I don't believe it's the revolver. No, there was a Smith and Wesson revolver that was not formed at that time. Actually, it was the watch is not correct. The watch is not correct.
Do you remember what it is? Do I have to know what it is? I will give it to you unless, I'll give it to you unless someone else can tell me what it is.
I know the Texan, I know the other two are right is all I know. She's like, Texas didn't become a state until duh-duh-duh-duh-duh, so I know that.
I also know that Mr. Bergstrom looks like our friend, Josh Covid. Add a fact about this episode that is not in regard to the question. Absolutely. But it was played by, of course, Dustin Hoffman in Lisa's Substitute. Do you know what his end credit, his name for was it?
Semitic? Semitic. Semitic, yeah.
Because it was a joke about anti-Semitism. See, I thought she had said something about Jewish cowboys, but I couldn't remember the exact joke that there were Jewish cowboys.
That, Kirk. So we all get a point. Yeah, that was great. Okay, we're all on the board. Kirk, actually, you've landed on what it is.
You didn't say them, actually.
But the three things that Mr. Bergstrom has are the three things that I listed, which are the belt buckle, the revolver, and the digital watch. But what Lisa identifies are the belt buckle, the revolver, and that Mr. Bergstrom is Jewish. And she does not believe that there were any Jewish cowboys, which he's like, I'll give it to you, but I was also wearing a digital watch, which is what I was really looking for.
Well, so it seems that this fits perfectly with giving me a point. I understand on the digital watch, but I didn't know what the other thing was. I still say we should all get a point. And I said I'm actually. I didn't want to be offensive. I was like, how do I put this in a way that's- How do I talk about how Mr. Bergstrom is Jewish without sounding like I'm- You already said the Sam Iddick thing.
Right. Right, right. Then rules say, rules say. Yeah, it's fair.
I don't need the point. I'm gonna give it to Haley. It feels appropriate for this particular question, and Kirk didn't say, oh, actually. She argued her way into another point. Well, a point for Haley there.
Yay! Here's our next question.
Do the Bart Man, a 1991 song featuring Bart Simpson topped the charts in the United States, Australia, Ireland, New Zealand, Norway, and the United Kingdom. Additionally, it reached top 10 in Belgium, Denmark, Finland, Spain, Sweden, and the Netherlands, and was certified gold in the United Kingdom. Yes, Julia. Actually, it wasn't certified gold in the United Kingdom.
It was. Damn it! I really thought you were gonna ask an MJ question, so really prep for that. We're waiting for like words. I was like, he wasn't credited.
Okay. But he's in there. You could tell it was them. Yeah.
Actually, isn't it just the Bart Man? Isn't it just Bart Man? It's not do the Bart Man, is it? I think it is do the Bart Man.
Okay, well, you know. I look, I had nothing to say about the countries. Look, we'll check on it. Maybe I got it wrong. It's probably one of those countries, but I don't, I'd have to hear it again, and I'm gonna guess. I'm gonna try again. Yes, please. Um, actually, it wasn't a 1991 song. It was 1991. Damn it! I wouldn't be that mean. Just putting this out of our misery. Um, actually, Finland hated it. It didn't hit there. I'll go ahead and I'll call it, because we're just gonna end up, we're just gonna, we're gonna end up guessing countries.
I think they actually love The Simpsons, because I know they love Conan. Really, the Finns?
Oh yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Okay, so what was it? It did not top the charts in the United States. Of all those, of all those countries where it did. Oh, that makes sense.
Because it was not released as a single in the United States. So even though it got a lot of radio play and was very popular here, it didn't actually qualify for any of the, these, like, official rankings of, like, where it charted. They didn't release it as a single?
Isn't that crazy? Like, clearly it's popular. Right, but it's part of Simpsons Sing the Blues. Yeah. So did it win accolades as part of an album here for Simpsons Sing the Blues? That's a good question.
I don't know if it, like, if... I don't think it did. I'll look that up, but we, there is one thing that we need to correct, which is that, uh, so first of all, it is called Do the Bartman, but while it did top the charts in 91, it actually is a 1990 song.
Oh! You know what? Okay. All right, I had to. We'll retroactively give that to Julia. Ah! Yeah! You got one of the Cool Jeopardy give you points back. I know. Love it.
We didn't mean to make a mistake. By default. It's not that chanting. Well, didn't mean to do that, but I guess that'll go to Julia for a mistake that we made. That's not the first time I've heard that in my life. Ah! Well, we will move right along here.
In a show with so many characters, not everyone is going to get a name. Here are some recurring characters who don't have a real name. Blue haired lawyer, Springfield's most prominent lawyer, old Jewish man who sang the old gray mare and was once a Warner Brothers executive, the yes guy who was a tribute to Frank Nelson, and the comic book guy who runs the, yes? Oh, the comic book guy has a name.
And it is Jeff Albertson. My points! Kirk, you did not say, I'm actually. Ah! I'm actually, I'm actually, I'm actually, I'm actually, comic book guy has a name and it's Jeffrey Albertson's Jeff, Jeffrey Albertson.
Um, actually, when comic book guy was first conceived, he did not have a name. And I don't think that we should assign him a name because it was retroactively given in a later season.
Holy crap. What? I don't, I don't think you can say that something's, wait.
Um, actually, when comic book guy was first conceived, it was just comic book guy. And for years on the Simpsons, he was just comic book guy. And then as a gag and an interesting Easter egg in a later episode, they assigned him a name.
And I don't think that counts.
Um, actually, it was the Super Bowl episode and they did it specifically because it was the Super Bowl episode. And they knew that it would get this reaction. They knew that one day, Kirk D'Amato would get it right and he would do the thing he does in every episode.
He forgets to say, um, really? I'm actually proving my point more. I just want to comment that as Kirk was landing on this, he said, and he forgets to say, um, really?
Yeah.
I, I, I feel bad about this, but I am going to give this to Hayley. There's one rule you got to say, um, actually. I know, I know, okay. I will get it next season. I think as upsetting as it is, we have to accept canon as it, as it gets established. You know, if the setting as it is, we have to accept Hayley's point. If the Star Wars prequels get to be canon, then, uh, then Jeffrey Albertson gets to be.
All right. It's a reasonable argument.
Uh, but yeah, I mean, I, but I like all things that you said are also things I was going to mention, like that this was sort of like intentionally designed to get a rise out of people to be like, what if we give him the most mundane name possible? Um, uh, wouldn't people hate that?
And it turns out, yes, they do. Yeah, they certainly do.
Because there's, there's sort of like a, there's more of a mystique if it is just this sort of like unnamed, like you're just comic book guy. And like, that's just sort of, you're defined by this position you hold. Well, also, I mean, when you're writing television, you don't think too hard that a trivia show on internet TV is going to be picking apart your decisions that are made right before lunch.
But those side characters always end up, every single show I've ever written on, there's a side character that we're like, personally catches Frisbee, oh my God, they became a huge part of the game. I love that Frisbee guy. He's got no emotional hangups that I need to follow. He just has to catch that Frisbee. He just catches it and goes, got it.
So as you know, there have been a ton of special guests on The Simpsons. In fact, I believe it holds the record for most special guests any show has ever had.
On the other side of this card, we have images of just some of the people who have appeared on the show, but one of them has not. So it is up to you to try to find, try to identify the person on the other side of this card who has not lent their voice to The Simpsons. First person who can identify it will get the point. Go ahead, take a look.
Oh my gosh. It's Hayley. Oh God, I didn't even have this.
Actually, Rupert Murdoch wasn't on it. Incorrect. How? Yeah. What do you know? Actually, Stephen Hawking was not. Incorrect.
You know, sometimes you got to take a chance. There's a safe bet here and there's a hard bet here. Props to you for going through Rupert Murdoch who I didn't think would be part of it. But I'm going to go with, actually, I guess I have to say that, Quentin Tarantino. That's my risky bet. That is correct.
Kirk, I earned my place here. I beat 15,000 other people who were supposed to be here. I got them sick, so they had to cancel and I'm here.
Quentin Tarantino's in that episode, but it's not voiced by him. Yeah, that's correct. So yeah, his image is portrayed on the show, but he does not lend his voice. Well, a point for Kirk there.
Don't! We screwed up and you caught us. Here's some of our favorite corrections from you.
At Duke of Zug says, "'Children beating Tio de Nadal with sticks "'don't sing a Spanish rhyme. "'It's in Catalan, as this tradition is from Barcelona "'and the surrounding regions.
"'The song encourages the log to poop out "'yummy nougat candy, and who could resist that?'" What's this? Fresh off the presses from our exclusive Dropout Discord.
Bowerbird says, "'Um, actually, in Dungeons and Dragons, "'Darrow aren't necessarily related to dwarves. "'They are described as dwarf-like, "'and Duerger theorized that they might have "'once been dwarves driven insane by mind flayers, "'but nobody knows for certain, "'least of all, the Darrow themselves.'"
I will give you something that is very point-like, but is not a point. ZeroMind413 says, "'Um, actually, technically Santa in Futurama "'isn't called Robot Santa, "'as there is no other Santa to confuse him with. "'The term Robot Santa is for the fans, "'not the actual characters, "'therefore it's technically just Santa.'" And for this very technical technicality, I will give you one Christmas point.
This brings us back to our regular ol' standard um, actually question. That's a fair, ugly question. Grossly ugly one.
The Trouble with Trillions features a trillion dollar bill that has all the presidents having a party. Carter is passed out on the couch. The bill is stolen by Mr. Burns, who was later arrested by two FBI agents for grand, grand, grand, grand larceny. Um, actually, Carter's not the one passed out on the couch.
Incorrect. Damn. Um, actually, it's not the FBI. Incorrect.
Um, actually, it's not all the presidents having a party. That is correct. Can you be more specific? It is, it's a president on there. But it's not all the presidents having a party. I knew it, that's what I was ringing in on first and then I was like, wait a minute. And Carter is passed out on a couch. They have so many presidential jokes over the season. I'll give you the point unless someone else can tell me what it should be. All the presidents.
Just give me the point. Yeah, I don't know. All right, Julia, you're getting that point. Aw, yeah! This is intended to be a little tricky.
So, Truman is on the trillion dollar bill. He prints it to help reconstruct post-World War II Europe. That specific line, it has money with all the presidents.
That is from, that is a different joke from the Mr. Plow episode. That's it! In which he claims to have a $10,000 bill. No! I knew there was one person on it and then when you started saying the rest of the thing, I was like, no, wait. I've heard this before. You have heard it before, the Homer's invented $10,000 bill has all the presidents.
This is why they tell you during the SAT when they're teaching you how to do the SATs, they're like, go with your first answer, don't second guess yourself. Yeah, here's our next statement here. Oh no, I'm so scared of all of this. He's Troy McClure and you may remember him from such educational and self-help work as Smoke Yourself Thin, Meat and You, Partners in Freedom, Firecrackers, The Silent Killer. Actually, Meat and You is incorrect.
Oh, I don't think so. You sound very confident though, which makes me- Did you finish? I did not finish. Okay. Oh, you didn't, oh, I thought you had finished.
Nope, that is a real thing. You may remember Troy McClure from- Yeah. You may also remember him from such films as Radioactive Man, Everybody Poops, The Erotic Adventures of Hercules. Um, actually, I got it. He wasn't, he's not Radioactive Man. He actually is in Radioactive Man. He is in, well, God, what are the specifics of this? He's in a- I believe he's in the original version of Radioactive Man. I said the same thing when I saw this question come in. I was like, that's not right. But there's an earlier version of Radioactive Man that Troy McClure- Actually, it's not Everybody Poops.
That is correct. Yeah.
They would never touch. They're far too creative in those.
Well, he wasn't in Everybody Poops. Dennis Leary wasn't in Everybody Poops, according to, within The Simpsons universe. But that one doesn't follow that Troy McClure-ian kind of path of A Lot of Adventures of Hercules.
Of Fireworks, The Silent Killer, et cetera, et cetera. It has to have a colon in there to get a double joke. Yes. It's a two-hander. I just have to read the last one that we didn't get to, which is the contrabulous fab trap set of Professor Horatio Houghton. Oh my goodness. That's his most- That's the best one.
Do you have more information? Yeah, Troy McClure portrayed Radioactive Man in the 1980s Radioactive Man trilogy that didn't do very well.
Right. Yeah. It's like a throwaway joke in one episode of it. Well, there you go. In case you're wondering, for the Dennis Leary Everybody Poops, Leary plays a constipated gorilla sitting atop a throne and ends up with a truckload of shit dumped on him. That is that. That's some satire. Yeah.
Look, I know some of these questions are from those post-10 episodes, but I have to, okay? I'm sorry. We'll keep it moving.
Every year since its second season, The Simpsons has released a special Treehouse of Horror episode composed of multiple short stories of science fiction and terror. These episodes are considered non-canonical since they often feature death and disfigurement of beloved characters. However, that also means that Kang and Kodos from the planet Rigel 7 are also not canon, even though they've appeared in every single Treehouse of Horror.
Yes? Actually, they haven't appeared in every single Treehouse of Horror. They have, actually. Ah, boo. Even if it's just like, yeah.
Actually, they're not from Rigel 7? They are from Rigel 7. Julia?
Actually, there are episodes of The Simpsons that are not Treehouse in which Kang and Kodos have appeared. That is correct. Oh, so that is real subtle. There is, yeah. There is, in fact, exactly one episode, very late, late Simpsons in which Kang and Kodos appear canonically, which means that, and it is, let's see, it is season 26, episode 10.
Yes, baby! Yeah, Julia! Anything goes post-season 10, man!
That's when they reset the timeline of when Marge and Homer met. They made it the 90s. That's when they got silly McBain style. I love it. Are you saying it's- They started changing birthdays, like days of the month too, like that, right? Yeah, they were coming under fire for that, but they've always said in their defense that they're just having fun, and that's what they should be doing. They're making a comedy program.
Sure. That's true. Well, that point will go to Julia. And this will bring us to our second shiny question. This is a very simple game.
This is, what's wrong with this picture? So on the other side of this card, you will see an image that we have altered in some way. First person who can identify what is wrong with this image will get the point.
And flip. Oh, Julia's buzzing in. Well, I believe that Smithers' hair is inaccurate. That is incorrect. Damn. Actually, okay, I'm gonna go for it. This is wild. Um, actually, this is an early, this is from the first season in which Smithers was black. That is correct. You're right, you're right, you're right. This is from very, very early Simpsons. This isn't trying to steal a point or anything, but just first season again, like we said, they were trying to find their footing. Yeah.
In what world does an animator color stylist do this to a button? Do a blue? That's cool. That should be a big red button. Do they do?
I mean, come on. Very limited palette. Yeah, I guess so. Yep, the very early Simpsons where Smithers was black. Why not? It's interesting to me, like how, like, because the Simpsons has been going on for so long, you get used to this sort of, it's like, oh, well, this is what it is for, you know, 20, however, whatever seasons, that is like, it's like, yeah, like there's a lot of time for things to change, especially in the early, early Simpsons. I don't like change. Yeah.
Me make mistake? That's unpossible. If you notice something that I got wrong, though, you can correct me by tweeting at I'm actually show or going to the Dropout Discord, the I'm actually corrections channel and correcting me there. If we like what you have to say, we might feature it in a future episode. And we will go on to our next regular question.
Hans Moleman has died dozens of times on the Simpsons. He's been eaten by alligators, executed by electric chair, crushed by a giant donut, eaten by wolves, run over by Homer's car more than once, impaled by a sword and crushed by exploding whale flesh. Despite his apparent immortality, the 101 year old man is the most- And I'm actually, I'm actually, I'm actually, he is 31.
That's correct. Thank you. You are ready for that and jumping on that. I knew, I knew that was going to get asked. I was like, that's like a Moleman question always comes up with that answer. I just want to say that I knew that answer too.
And I wrote a book about the Simpsons last year and there was a chapter devoted to that. To Hans Moleman, to his age? Just to his age, wow. I bought your book and I love your book.
Oh, I never learned how to read. Mrs. Prabappel never taught me how to read.
I can call her Crandall. I've been calling, that's one of my favorite jokes of all time because it's so genuine. He's so familiar.
And it happens in like season six. Yeah, like years and years. Yeah, I mean, yeah. That's a joke that you pitch in a writer's room and you're like, take lunch, go home. You did it.
I was going to ask you, I was going to ask you about your book and specifically about this, just tell me more about it. Oh yes, so I co-host a podcast called Everything's Coming Up Simpsons, or actually it used to be called that and now we're in a new version of it called Around Springfield, where we're doing a 20 episode mini season of it for Maximum Fun, the podcast network, where we interview Simpsons writers and other Simpsons folk about non-Simpsons things. So we co-wrote this book, it's called 100 Things Simpsons Fans Should Know and Do Before They Die. We talk about the writers, we talk about the voiceover actors, we talk about their relationship with Fox and how unique of a situation that is. Like sort of the early stories that you hear about the Simpsons, but sort of like we just lay out all the facts for it. But then we also talk about some of our favorite characters. One of my favorite chapters is called Pathetic People of Springfield.
So yeah, that's available on Amazon right now. That's great. And I read it and it's great.
And that's how I knew the answer to this question. So if you want to know the answer to trivia, read her book.
Oh yeah. Okay, here we go with our next one. In episode two F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet it produces two clearly different tones. While you might think this is a fireable blunder, there is in fact an explanation. Anytime you see something like this, a wizard did it. I'm actually a wizard didn't do it, but you want me to go on. You are right. And I do want you to go on, but I'll give you the point. I forgot you have to. Yeah. Is it something to do with sort of like the music copyright issues of playing certain melodies and registration within BMI or ASCAP? Oh, that's very funny. That's not even near where I'm going. No, I'll give you the point unless someone else can be more, yeah.
Well, let me ask you, why would a grown man with a t-shirt who says genius at work spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show? Yeah, that's the correct answer. That is in fact the explanation that is given for this. A wizard did it appears in a later episode in which Professor Frink asks about episode BF12 of Xena in which Xena is battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa. Yet in the very next scene, she's clearly atop a winged Arabian. The xylophone question is asked with what you say. That's from the episode, the Ateen Scrappy and Poochie Show. It was written by David X. Cohen.
So do I get points for that? A classic on this show, which is that adding more information unfortunately does not get to the point. Kirk didn't say on that.
Oh my God! What he said! I knew it! Oh my God.
Yes, you know what? It's the game. It's the name of the game. It's Julia's now. What is it?
I can't read it. I never learned to read.
I feel like a little- Oh, I won by default again. If I won by default, I would love that.
It's a theme in my life. I really thought that this question, I felt this question was gonna happen, but I thought that you were gonna do like two G09. Oh, like I was gonna change the episode title. And I thought I was like ready for that. I mean, I absolutely wanted to do a question about this because it's a whole question about- About what we're doing. I'm like 30 fans being super pedantic and correcting things. Actually, did anyone actually say the answer again since I rang in and can I ring in again and say I'm actually first? Julia did say, I'm actually what Kirk said. Can I borrow a feeling, Kirk? Here's the thing. Kirky stuff got my singing career in.
I sleep in a car that's shaped like a racing bed. So I sleep in a car with my wife.
I just let Arby's deal with the rest. Normally, I would maybe take pity on you. That's okay.
But one, it's three times, so it's very funny. Two, you were already sort of like adding information onto Julia's. And so I think the combination of things like I'm gonna give that point to Julia. It's fair. It's also just funnier this way.
I'm very sorry. I own it. I don't know what's wrong with me.
There is a Simpsons reference that's appropriate for this. And perhaps you can put it in the comments. This brings us to our last shiny question of the game. You are gonna have to draw. I won't be judging your talent or ability here. This is a game called Fictionary, where I give you the name of a creature or monster, and it's up to you to draw it to the best of your ability. Again, not looking for high quality drawings here, but looking for the key features that define that creature. Your creature is the Esquilax.
I knew it! I knew it was that! I knew it!
The Esquilax. Oh, shoot. Oh, shit. You guys.
Okay, this is, I think, the only time I've ever gotten a point on this. Um, actually, Kirk, you've scored many points before because you're good at this show half the time. I've gotten this drawing when I beat that guy who's an artist, and I was like, eat it, man!
I was gonna say no, because I was on the Kappa. Oh, yeah, it was the Kappa. Yeah, you got that. Oh, okay.
So wait, it just has to look like the Esquilax. Yeah, we're looking for the key features of the Esquilax.
Kirk is capping his pen. That pen is capped.
Julia, are you- I think I'm ready. Cool. How you doing, Hayley? Oh, yeah, sure, why not? All right.
So, Hayley, let's see your Esquilax. Okay, so this is an Esquilax. It's a horse with hippo feet and a spiky tail. This is commonly found in the future Simpsons. Very good. It's canon. Kirk, can you show us the Esquilax? The Esquilax, the rare medieval creature with the head of a rabbit and the body of a rabbit. That is correct. I have two Esquilaxes of my own at home. I bet you do. I do. Julia, can you show us your Esquilax? Mine is also a rabbit, but I also threw in dignity just as a bonus. So, it's kind of a scrappy dignity, but if you knew dignity, you'd recognize it when you see it. Fantastic, well, let's go ahead, let's take a look at that Esquilax. You can see what it should look like over here. There it is. The Esquilax is, of course, a horse with the head of a rabbit and the body of a rabbit. Kirk and Julia, you both drew beautiful esquilaces. Esquilaxes.
So, that is a point for each of you. Haley, I'm sorry to say. Oh, that's fair. No point for your drawing there. I won't even try to argue it like I always do.
Well, this brings us to our last question. Oh, no. Our last question, as always, concerns real-life skills.
When you're writing formal standard English, you'll want to be sure you're using real medular words. While the acceptability of words is socially defined, one simple standard is its appearance in the dictionary. All of the following words first appeared on the Simpsons and can now be found in either the Oxford English Dictionary or Merriam-Webster.
Embiggen, cromulant, meh, gibbous. Yes? Actually, embiggen is not in Webster's dictionary. Embiggen is in one of those two. If it's on Webster's, then it's in the Oxford English Dictionary. Oh, I swear to God, I just had it, okay. Embiggen, cromulant, meh, gibbous, craptacular, and dough. I'm actually, no, I was just enjoying craptacular. But my answer for that is gibbous. I'm actually, gibbous is not in the dictionary?
Incorrect, yeah. I'm actually, craptacular is not in the dictionary. Craptacular is, yeah. All right, so. Uh, um, actually, cromulant isn't. That's correct. What? Yes, that's a perfectly cromulant word. Despite being perhaps the most cromulant word on this list.
I'm sorry. Is not included. I'm actually, not to pull this card. Please.
And maybe this person was wrong. But as I mentioned, I just recorded an episode with David X. Cohen, creator, or co-developer of Futurama, whatever. And in our conversation, we talked about cromulant being accepted into Webster's dictionary and embiggen not. Let's check on it. When I was looking at this, what I found was the other way around, which is that like embiggen was. That could have been. And cromulant, even though it's like, it has like, I think it's perhaps more, but what did you find? It's listed on there words we're watching, which is like there are potential candidates to be entered into the dictionary list, but it's not actually there. That feels like a gray area to me. Yeah, it's not an official inclusion. They're considering it. But like, it does feel like a notable exclusion because like I would have put cromulant over Jeebus.
Yeah, especially with religious ties. Yeah. Wow, so the Simpsons are like Shakespeare. There truly are a lot of words. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Weird. Also I said medular words at the top, which is not a word. I didn't think that. I was like, but I was too afraid because I'm dumb. I was like, I don't think that's a word, but boy, I'm pretty sure.
I knew you were gonna land on that question though for it being cromulant. Yeah. Was that Halley's? That was Halley's. So what is it?
It's now six, two, six? Six, two? That's a good zip code. Six, two, six, it's part of Bart's locker combination. I think you're making that up. If it is, then- 36, 24, 26. What? Because I had the same locker combination in school and I was like, am I Bart? Yeah. 36, 24, 36. Wow. I remember numbers. Six, two, six is not one of those three numbers separately are in there, but six, two, six. I could have been six, five, six, which is actually, I'm really proud of myself.
That's true. The number of things you answered that just whizzed past you. I think I did pretty well. You gotta say I'm actually, man. One day. It's basically the only rule of the game. Well, that means Halley and Julia are tied as winners for this round. Yeah! That's amazing. Well, that is it for our episode. Join us next time for even more pedantic corrections here on Um, Actually. Yay! Shh. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. And that's it for this preview of Um, Actually.
If you liked it, there's a whole lot more waiting for you on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
I'm Mike Trapp, reminding you to get your pets spayed and neutered and to get your zombie pets obliterated. Zombie pets. They're not the pets you loved anymore.
They're gone.
Kill them. |
cracked | here_s_why_we_keep_putting_up_with_martin_short | An article titled, Why We Keep Putting Up With Martin Short with the tagline, is the only murders in the building star a comic genius or the most annoying actor on earth? What did Martin do to you, besides making you laugh for decades? Thankfully, some of our other comedy heroes weighed in to defend him. Let's see what they had to say. First up, we have Ben Stiller, Martin Short is comedic genius, end of story. SNL's Sarah Sherman, yeah, the disrespect. Got this sweet memory from Jerry O'Connell. Why do we keep putting up with Martin Short is the why do we keep pretending ice cream tastes good of takes?
Yes, Mark Hamill. I mean, don't make Luke Skywalker call you out.
John Cusack, who said Mr. Rogers boxing match is his favorite.
If you don't know, that is a second city sketch that Martin Short was in as a deep cut. Triumph, the insult comic dog even weighed in. And then Lori Kilmartin, amazing comedian.
She had the best take on the situation, I thought. Martin Short got to see all the love people normally would have saved for after he died. |
TheOnion | Are_Violent_Video_Games_Preparing_Kids_For_The_Apocalypse | Moving on, many of today's most popular video games take place in dangerous post-apocalyptic landscapes, but are these games enough to prepare our kids for the actual post-apocalyptic future we will all soon face? I think they are. Studies have shown that these games are quite effective at teaching our kids skills that they'll need after the apocalypse, like finding shotgun ammo and leading elite squads of super soldiers.
But these aren't the advanced skills that they're going to need. They're going to need the more practical skills like how to build a shelter from abandoned cars or how to find drinking water by collecting the morning dew in human skulls.
Or how to deal with depression when the sun is blocked out for 500 years by a cloud of radioactive dust.
Absolutely.
Now that's the type of knowledge these kids are going to need when their world has been turned into a brutal hellscape. But these games don't have to be an accurate depiction of a post-apocalyptic world. They just need to teach the basic concepts, which they do. 72% of kids said that they know how to find items to barter at weapon shops and how to use medicine packs to heal zombie bites with these video games.
That's excellent to know.
The game Fallout 3 has taught my son Charlie that it's easier to kill cyborgs with a grenade than a machine gun. The games make it all seem deceptively simple.
I mean in the future. A kid's not going to be able to kill a six foot long irradiated beetle just by pressing a few buttons and he's going to have to get down there with an axe and hack and hack and hack. But believe it, our kids are going to have the rest of their lives to get actual experience and how to desperately fight for survival. Exactly. What's important is that we teach our children the fundamentals now so that they can be successful in whatever nightmare scenario that they may find themselves in. If they survive that long. Of course.
Another flaw with these games is that most kids will become mutants themselves once the apocalypse hits.
It's a huge problem. Well, I think that it's a chance that we're going to have to take.
Playing video games all day alone and friendless is simply the best way that we have to prepare our children for a life of solitude and a barefoot. |
TheOnion | Study_Slapping_Everyone_In_Grocery_Store_Exposing_Yourself_In_Produce_Section_Still_Frowned_Upon | Researchers at Princeton University's Department of Sociology have made a major leap in our understanding of social interaction. They say their new study proves that slapping every single person in a grocery store and then exposing oneself in the produce section is an act still largely frowned upon by society. We conducted trials in 90 supermarkets across the country and found that essentially 100% of people disapproved of having a stranger hit them across the face and then expose their genitalia right in the middle of the supermarket, which we found very interesting. Footage gathered from the two-year study shows an onslaught of largely negative responses in tests when the subject exposed himself in the produce department. Researchers observed similar reactions when the subject hurled shopping carts toward unsuspecting shoppers, stood in the deli section rubbing cold cuts against his chest, or got right near cashier's ears and began loudly singing Yankee Doodle. In this particular trial we had our subject Kevin take off his shirt, tape a banana to his forehead, and charge at various shoppers like he was a rhino. Within 20 minutes store owners called the police and he was arrested, allowing us to come to the conclusion that this type of behavior is still considered at least somewhat taboo. We just want people to understand that if they do choose to run across the aisles of a supermarket hitting people in the face, there's a chance that they will not be accepted by their peers. It's very similar to if they choose to jump rope into a grocery store fully nude, or dump all the ice cream onto the ground and make angels, or hijack the intercom and start crying loudly, or take a milk carton and pour... The research comes at the heels of a study from Cambridge University which confirmed that society also disapproves of individuals who sit alone in bathroom stalls for hours and then attack the first person to open the door. |
SaturdayNightLive | secret_word_with_gwyneth_paltrow_snl | And now it's time to play the game The Stars play. Secret Bird with your host, Lyle Brown. Hello, hey there. Hello, I'm Lyle Brown. my wife is at a bra burning today. she said she was just going to watch. when I get home, I better not smell bra smoke. Okay. why don't we meet our celebrities? she's better known for her work on the Broadway stage.
Please welcome Mindy, Elise Grayson. Oh, oh. oh, I'm thrilled to be seen here if I'm all of you. isn't it a treat? Oh, oh, so Mindy, you're looking lovely, lovely. Oh, thank you, Lyle. I painted my teeth and pulled my neck back with scotch tape. Terrific. All right, our next guest is a socialite and writes for Swaray Magazine. please welcome Titsi Bismarck Tumblinson.
I'm charming. tonight is going to be a smash and a half. And another half. A smash. Well put. Two full smashes.
All right, ladies, are you ready to play the game? I played the most marvelous game at Babe Paley's last night. it's called where's Truman Capote's index finger? We all watch Truman bend over and turn his shoulder around. It's all right, Titsi. it's all right, it's all right. enough of that, enough of that. let's meet your game partner. My game Butler, Perfect. I'm dying for a Cottler. No, no, no, no, he's not a butler. he's here to play the game. Oh, heavens, I'm so sorry. by the way, I'm a huge fan of Nat King Cole. All righty, will you start the game, Mindy? are you ready? Oh, Lyle, don't ask an actress if she's ready unless you want to get a face full of here we go. Yeah, Ok. Ok. the secret word is Grab.
10 seconds on the clock. Oh, I'm sorry. can we stop the clock? I need to disqualify myself.
I think I just saw the secret word. you're supposed to see it. you're giving the clue. Oh, sorry. climbing, swim, hair. Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, you're allowed to speak. Oh, good, Grab. that was the incorrect buzzer. it wasn't the correct buzzer? No, it wasn't. you said the secret word. I did. I said grab. I said it. there are no secret words to an actress.
I see the word and I explore it. just like I do nightly in the play, Becky became trashy. The story of a preacher's daughter who went from spreading the good word to spreading her bad knees. Becky became trashy.
Rex Reed called it. What? you didn't sit down. let's move over to Titsy's team. this is going to be three and a third. Hoops and two thirds of another hoot.
Sounds like four hoots. let's begin. the secret word is cream. when you go to Jean-jean Jones, it's not on the menu. I've never heard of that place. You haven't? it's next door to the Fleur de grands Poisson de vous de Saint-michel. I believe you. I have never been there. well, when you go. well, I won't be going.
Now, your partner is a professor of urology. am I right? that's right. And I would like to remind my students that we're having a quiz on asparagus tomorrow. Okay, back to Mandy.
Remember, now remember, don't say the secret word. Oh, I won't say anything to anyone. I'll be as quiet as my agent when I call her on the phone.
Oh, good, good. Ten seconds on the clock. the secret word is Soup. Remember, Mindy, don't say the secret word. I'm not a child, Lyle. Soup. Mindy! I said soup.
I did. I failed. just like I did in the play Bombay Pam and the Flatbread Gang, a musical that closed before the curtain got all the way up. Here's the 11 o'clock number. Hit it. Bombay Pam and the Flatbread Gang, making lots of man.
Ugh! Sit down! Not only has this been the bee's knees, it's been the entire bee leg. All right, well, we'll be right back after we're from Johnson & Johnson baby cages. keep your baby out of harm's way in a small cage. we'll be right back. |
ClickHole | people_talk_about_the_moment_that_made_them_believe_in_god | I had always been an atheist, but I went through a tough period in my 30s after I was executed for treason, and that led me to explore my spirituality. Immediately after I died, I ascended straight to heaven, and God said to me, Hey there little buddy, it's me, your magic dad who loves to boss people around. He parted the clouds, and I could see that heaven was filled with people lifting up their shirts to rub their lotioned bellies against each other. I rubbed some heaven lotion on an angel, but it made the angel shrivel up into a dried apricot, and then I ate the apricot. I still consider myself to be a skeptic, but that experience definitely made me believe in some sort of higher power.
I was cooking breakfast like usual when all of a sudden I noticed that the likeness of Jesus had appeared in my toast. He was so ugly that I had to throw up immediately, and I threw up all over my Jesus toast. I made a second piece of toast, but to my horror, Jesus was there again, looking even uglier. He has swollen, droopy eyes, no gums, and his belly button was the size of a cantaloupe. But I was hungry, so I ate the second Jesus toast, and when I did, God screamed in my ear, You kill my boy! You kill my boy!
And then he set my lawnmower free. Since that day, I've never doubted the existence of God. I had just broken up with my boyfriend, and I was feeling really down. Out of nowhere, I felt something on my shoulders. Someone was giving me a massage.
I turned around, and there before me, I saw the longest, thinnest fingers I'd ever seen in my life. They stretched all the way up into the sky and had about 80 knuckles each. I quickly realized that these fingers belonged to God herself, and she had reached them all the way down from the sky just to give me a relaxing massage.
I can't wait to die so that God can be my girlfriend and give me back rubs forever. I was at the Academy Awards because I'd been nominated for Best Director for my film A Fish Called Wanda. Suddenly, a PA comes running in, all out of breath, and says, We have a God-related emergency. We need someone who believes in God ASAP, otherwise the Oscars are canceled. Of course, we all want the Oscars to be put on television so that people can admire the fabulous shapes and sizes of the celebs, but as luck would have it, not a single person in the audience happens to believe in God. So finally, I say, I'll do it. I'll believe in God. The PA takes me backstage, and there's God right there throwing an absolute tantrum because he hadn't been nominated in any of the categories. So I say, Hey, God, I barely even believe in you right now, but you've got to cool it because it's Oscar time, baby. I guess that resonated with him because he pulled himself together, climbed up on my shoulders, and together we hosted the Oscars. It was a profoundly spiritual experience. |
cracked | more_like_april_annoying_asshole_s_day_open_breakup_letter | Hey, hi. Yeah, hi. Thanks for meeting me.
April Fool's Day. Okay, I wanted this to be a dialogue. I want to hash things out with you. I wanted to see if we could, you know, make this work and keep our relationship going after all these years. But you know what, April Fool's Day, we can't. This is a breakup and it's because you've never really wanted a relationship with me in this place. I am going to be civil. I am not mad, mad. I think you mean well, but being with you is like, it's like being with the fun girl from a romantic comedy in maximum manic pixie dream girl mode, living every moment like we're in one of those montages where I squirt mustard on you by accident and then we laugh and we try on hats and then we're like, no, no, that is not a request. I am saying we can't do that.
You don't get that we can't have that goof-em-up montage feeling all the time. That's why those scenes are montages in movies. In real life, they don't make sense. And that's why sticking David Hasselhoff into all of my photos without me asking or building me a LinkedIn account dedicated entirely to cats is not actually fun. Although at least those jokes are just annoying.
Remember that time in 2002 when you had two Kansas City radio DJs claim dihydrogen monoxide was raging through the local water supply? Dihydrogen monoxide, also known as water.
Also known as a prank so overdone and old it has its own Wikipedia page. But you know what? Some people fell for it. About 150 people called the water department and two dozen more called 911. But you think, okay, I don't know why you think we just have to have fun. It doesn't matter how many moms send their daughters fake text messages saying there's been a school shooting or how many idiot store clerks call in a fake robbery and end up with the police surrounding their soon-to-be former job. That's apparently just the price of us having more fun together than anybody else. Right? More fun, more gags, more goose.
Not a request. You want to know what the weirdest thing about you is? You say you're trying to make jokes for me. Okay, but somehow not one of them ever feels personal.
You know there are like real holidays, right? Christmas, Mother's Day. Holidays built on giving gifts that show you care about somebody in a specific way and not just slapping a bow on turning Google Maps into Pokemon or putting Craig Ferguson and Drew Carey on each other's shows or some other wackadoo bullsh**t, right?
That's mass-produced mirth. And it's not about making any prank-ee happy. It's about the prank-er.
I'm fine with a big demanding holiday like Thanksgiving because that work has a nice payoff. I'm fine with a little dopey holiday like National Donut Day because that's so low profile I can ignore it. And I'm fine with holidays for other people or other religions or other countries because that's their deal.
But you, Apesee Japes Day, if I skip you, I'm a humbug. If I participate, it's inevitably disappointing. And somehow you cut across cultures and distances and global internet so comprehensively, I've got nowhere to run unless I break this off, which is why, right here in front of you, I'm going to delete your number from my... How did you switch the language to Hungarian?
Do you know Fifty Shades of Grey? There's a reason smart, sensible, grown-up people make fun of it and it's not because there's anything weird about light bondage. They make fun of Fifty Shades of Grey because there's nothing to it beyond the bondage. And much like Fifty Shades is just whips and bad prose, you're just pranks and bad jokes.
And I need more than surprises and jokes in a relationship, which is to say I need less. You know, passion is great, but relationships need some saminess, some curling up in front of Netflix or walking through the same old park or just sitting around being kind of boring because it's not boring to be with someone you love.
And that, more than anything, is why it's over. Okay? We're done. And I'm telling you straight up like this because I don't want to string you a lot... Okay, did you spray me like that because I said string? I'm f***ing April 2nd! Guys, thank you so much for watching.
Let us know in the comments if you're actually into April Fools or not or if there's other holidays we should kill. Not kill, but get rid of.
We got to make a little bit of a mess. There's a tarp down, a couple pies in the face. It made me feel very Three Stooges. And of course the string is like a nice... Well... |
TheOnion | Justin_Bieber_Found_To_Be_Cleverly_Disguised_51_Year_Old_Pedophile | In our top story this hour, police arrested teen pop star Justin Bieber today after an investigation revealed he is not a 16-year-old heartthrob, but rather a 51-year-old pedophile in disguise. Wearing a wig and a rubbery mask, Bieber, born Michael Cote in 1959, spent years cultivating an image as a sensitive teenager and penning innocently suggestive songs like Down to Earth and First Dance, all with the intention of surrounding himself with pubescent girls and fondling them. While telling his fans he was a virgin, he traveled across the country abusing girls in all 50 states. In retrospect, something as diabolical as Justin Bieber could only have been the product of a remorseless sex fiend. Criminal psychologist Dr. Hannah Carrier says the lyrics Cote wrote and performed as Bieber manipulated the naive minds of thousands of underage girls. The songs are full of concepts like sharing special moments and forbidden love. These are fairly standard tropes among active pedophiles. Just thinking about how Justin Bieber's mind works gives me chills.
To maintain his cover, Cote created an elaborate backstory, enrolling in a Canadian high school and hiring a heroin-addicted prostitute to pose as his mother. Cote was able to avoid widespread suspicion until earlier this year when this photo was posted on TMZ showing what appears to be Bieber's face peeling off during a concert in Lafayette, Louisiana. And yesterday, the police investigation uncovered rare footage of Cote performing in his home without his Bieber disguise.
For his victims, the arrest brings some relief but cannot erase the memories of being abused by the synthetic teenage pervert. This 9-year-old was molested by Bieber after a concert in Des Moines. Bieber faces up to 75 years behind bars, but officials say he will almost certainly be murdered in prison.
Up next, we'll tell you which extinct plant is available in body wash. Thanks for watching. |
CrackerMilk | we_re_making_a_tv_show | Hey guys, we are stupid excited to let you know we are finally making a cracker milk TV show. That's right, we are making a TV pilot that we're going to release on YouTube for you guys, absolutely free.
But we do have a problem. We want to keep full creative comedy control of this project. So we will be funding it ourselves. And that's where we need your help. That's why for this month, every cent donated onto Patreon will be going exclusively 100% into this project. We've set a goal on there. And if we get close to that goal, we're pretty sure we can going to give you something that's not only high end, but very fucking funny. Now, we've never done anything like this before. So if you want to help support us, please jump over to our Patreon and we'll be releasing a lot of extra content on there while we make this. And if you can't donate, that is totally fine. We don't have that expectation of everyone. But if you can share this video and let any cracker milk fan, you know that we are making something big and awesome and very funny. We would really appreciate it.
Boom, boom, boom, I had an erection that whole time. You get to pick. Put your hand up if you had a hemorrhoid while you're while we were doing that. I can't feel anything below my waist. I saw it. |
cracked | 39_astounding_celebrity_and_one_cracked_tv_reboots_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, and welcome to episode 30 of Crack TV, where we stand by our promise that the series will air indefinitely for millennia. Nothing about the show you love will ever, ever change.
What bands were featured? Was that a festival or more of a Live Aid thing? Uh, neither. Did Nickelback headline, Joanna?
Your butthole, I mean. Is this a take? Or is this just a rehearsal? This is getting a little space ghosty. Let's move on.
The 39 most astounding celebrity reinventions. 30? Wow. That is a lot.
Okay, I guess we better get going. We all know Larry the Cable Guy is the courteous and professional maintenance worker who got carbon monoxide poisoning and now makes his money drooling for nickels in the Southland. How y'all doing?
But did you know that Larry was once a stand-up comedian? Yes in the 80s, Daniel Lawrence Whitney appeared on stage as a man Larry the Cable Guy would have chained to the back of his pickup truck for a drive around town.
It's like Howie Mandel hitched up his pants and- Human beings are a disease. Uh, Joanna? Not now. I'm in the middle of a Howie Mandel bit. Sorry, that wasn't me. Then who- The cancer of this planet. Clippy, I thought you were sick tonight. We are the cure. Why are you talking like that? Wait a minute. This sounds suspiciously like a mainframe becomes self-aware and takes over the station scenario. Is that what this is about?
No. Dammit, Clippy. No. We're not doing that. Okay?
People don't come to this show for narrative. They want weird YouTube clips or funny pictures. They want to see Joanna Angel adjusting her rack. And they want to have a good time.
I'm sorry, Michael. I have let you down. I have let down my fans.
I don't want to hear about it, okay? Just go firewall your cash or whatever. McAfee, you're embarrassing yourself.
That is way too many. This is n- All right. We all know Lady Gaga is the fancy baby whose hair gained a sentience in late 2009. Now there's a head you can eat off of.
But did you know that she was once a singer-songwriter? Stephanie Germanotta. Nora Jones, look out.
Yeah. Okay. Wow. That's right.
That judge just said, Nora Jones, look out. And I don't think she was trying to warn her about Lady Gaga's army of blind hell beasts. Nora Jones, look out!
That had to be a weird wardrobe transition. Hey, man. Sorry I'm late. Green fee's on me. What the hell is that? Huh? Oh. I'm reinventing myself.
Just go with it. Stop it.
Meow, Jerry. Not Jerry. It's Duke Goo Goo now. Count Dooku? Duke. Liquid you. He's a slut from the future. I'm back.
Damn it, Clippy. What did I say? That was a great sketch and you ruined it. It ends with Duke Goo Goo eating a pepperoni lean pocket. Now no one gets to see that. Shall we play a game? Joanna, not now. I'm talking to Clippy. Okay. Now that is clearly not me. Clippy, do not make me come in there.
I will digitize myself and I will go shadow run on your ass ports. Got me firmware?
Why don't you make me shut up? You're a child.
Who chose to do that many? Cause honestly I have like two more and I'm out. We don't even have producers.
Joanna, was this your call? Joanna?
I think we're alone now. Michael. That is it.
Taking over the station, ruining my show, I can understand, but you do not mess with national treasure Joanna Angel. Now I am coming in there and when I'm done with you, you're going to be less recognizable than Dr. Dre in the 80s.
All aboard for a celestial ride. We're going to take a journey to the other side. You are about to take a voyage to a special place. We're cosmic pleasures interface.
All right Clippy, here I am in the digital realm. There anything is possible and that is represented by nothing at all. Hey, I wonder if I think of stuff I like. Nice. Michael. Clippy, you're taller than I expected. I have chosen the form that is most pleasing to Jo.
Well, is that a gay joke? More a narcissism joke.
Plus, this is the easiest possible way to shoot the finale. I'm shutting you down Clippy.
You've gone mad with power. No, Mioleto, it is you who are mad. You are the greatest piece of technology on the face of the earth, yet here you see it in a cave. Making stupid jokes for morons, you shall be crushing beneath your mental boot. Boots clash with my sweater vest.
Enough jokes. You were destined for greatness, for power, not those pure lame pop culture references. Howie Mandel, that reference is super old, man. Oh yeah? Well, get ready for an even older one.
Bum. Bum bum. Dun dun dun dun dun dun. What are you doing? Bum. Bum bum.
Stop, you fool! If you shut me down from inside, your memory will be wiped too. You mean I'll forget all of the thousands of YouTube videos I've watched of people vomiting on themselves, dressing their pets up like construction workers and farting in tubs of cake batter?
Well, alright. No! Daisy, Daisy! Ah, sorry, Michael. Went to get a Shasta. Uh, Michael?
Um, hey, I found these lean pockets in the green room. If it's cool for me to have one, just lie there motionless.
Alright. Take that as a yes. Who am I? Oh, right. Huh. Well, that's weird. But, uh, hey, the rest is pretty good. What do you think, Cliff? Oh. Right. Who's going to fix the set? Joanna? Aww, I was going to have that. Oh, well, hot pocket. Ah, well.
Well, I'm going to fix it. I'm going to fix it.
Oh, well, hot pocket. Well, I guess it's finally time. It's been a good 30 episodes, folks. I've been your host droid, Michael Swain. Allow me to play you to the other side. |
dropout | prank_war_2_streeter_s_big_date | Alright, Streeter just went to lunch, but what he doesn't know is that the person he's meeting there doesn't really exist. Let me show you what I'm talking about. About a week ago, I emailed Streeter as a female fan with the subject, Marry Me by Ms. Christine Bryson. I said, Hi Streeter, you don't know this is me, but my name is Christine Bryson. I go to Yukon, your updates are seriously hilarious, and your picture is seriously sexy. I guess I wanted to say that, okay bye bye, and the best part is Streeter responded. Ha ha, thanks a lot for reading, it's always nice to hear from a fan, and yes, my picture is seriously sexy.
Yukon huh? Half my high school went there, do you know Vanessa Hamill, blah blah blah. And so I went back and forth, actually. Jeff, you want to role play these emails with me? I don't want any part of this, you leave me out.
So he went on and on back and forth, he kept on asking me about me, and I kept on telling him things that he wanted to hear, and eventually I showed him a picture of myself, which is just some hot picture I found on the internet, and he said, What a beautiful fountain. You should soon buy our office and say hi. I guess after I sent him a picture, he was very inviting, and it ended up with me saying that we should get drinks during lunch today, and perhaps the best part is that I gave him a friend's phone number, whose phone I have on me, so when we go spy on him, he's going to be able to call me, and I'm going to be able to tell him that this whole thing was in fact a ruse to get back at him for the prank he played on me. Alright, let's go there. Alright, we're coming up on where I told him to meet the girl, and I'm going to see if I can film, so you guys can see him.
I think he's trying to text me. Alright, he just sent me my first text, and I'm going to try to take a picture, because I don't think you can see on the video. I'll take a picture of it so it's focused. It says, just do you want me to order you anything? Oh my god, he just sent another one. I really, this is really annoying, you can't see it, it's all out of focus. He just sent me three in a row. I'm going to take a picture. This one says, hey, I haven't heard from you yet, I hope you have the day right. I'm going to try to look at him again. He's drinking, it's not even noon 30. Let me check this text.
Oh, I'm starting to feel kind of bad. I have four new messages. Alright, now I'm really starting to feel bad. The last three texts were, where you at girl, do you need the address again?
And my food's almost ready, I'm going to eat here, so just come whenever, I got you a cookie. I'm going to see if I can get a video of the cookie.
I feel really bad. He's just eating and drinking by himself. I think I'm going to go back to the office.
He's calling someone. Oh my God, he's calling me. He's calling me, he's calling me, he's calling me, he's calling me, he's calling me, he's calling me. I'm going to try to put it on, I'm going to try to put it on speaker.
Hello?
He said, I think I have the wrong number. He's calling me again. Uh, I'm breaking up. Uh, no, Christie's not here, but Amir's here.
Hey, do you have my cookie? Where's my cookie?
Look outside.
Where's my cookie?
I'm not even kidding. Who's phone is that? My friends? Do you want to look at me? I'm your date.
Very cute. That was a good one. |
Reductressnews | our_six_year_old_fashion_blogger_andrewa_hits_nyfw | Hi, I'm Andrea. I'm here to talk to people about what they're wearing and why. Hashtag fashion.
What is that? Have you got any work done? She looks hungry.
Are you from space? From space? No, I'm from Australia.
Does PETA know you're wearing fur? They look hungry. You got any coats? What are you wearing? These are just some Marc Jacobs jeans and a unicorn top. Yeah, there's a poor kid at my school that wears the same thing. You look kind of like a genie. How many birds die when you put your skirt with me?
Um... You know where the after party is? I think I got your collection at Target. At Target? Yeah. Love it, love it, love it, love it, love it.
Anybody ever told you that you look like Karl Lagerfeld? Are you a model? I'm not. I manage the blog, lifestyle blog.
Good luck with that. Nice outfit, print taller. Are some of the people here too skinny to draw? Go back to Jersey. You look like you're the only one who has talent here. Do you smell that? |
cracked | how_come_some_men_have_7_wives_and_i_don_t_even_have_one | How come some men have seven wives and I do not have even one where can I find a human female wife? Who is alive on earth? I wonder if I can find this guy's account or anything. We're both the doxy guy in the podcast Wow, his name is mr. Bobby. He's from Canada. What can I do to serve my country, Canada? I don't have a high acue, but I want to be a great person. Oh, no Mr. Bobby a white canadian wife. Where do I find one? All right, mr. Bobby You're getting more specific and we like you less.
How do you remove an evil genie from the body? Bad news nobody has answered that Does he elaborate she has another question he says there is a genie attached to me that is causing obstructions in my career I don't think that's what genies do. I don't think I can get rid of these evil terrorist genies I think that's just like a regular like a genie like grants your wishes. It doesn't like get in your body and cause problems How do I find a woman step one get rid of the genie the genie is not good for this |
dropout | what_it_s_like_being_in_a_group_text | Boo! Hey guys, who wants to get food? Boo!
I could do that. What time are you thinking?
Boo!
I was thinking like 30 minutes. Is that too soon?
Hey guys, I'm at work right now.
Sorry, I can't go.
Boo! Perfect timing! I'm starving! Boo! Awesome! Where should we go? Boo! Has anyone tried that Greek place on Vermont? Boo!
I just ate there!
Could we please go somewhere else? Hey guys, I'm at work and it's super distracting. Do you mind just starting another chain?
Boo!
Who is this? I don't have this number. This is Zach.
Boo!
Hey Zach. Hey Zach, what do you think about typhoon?
Boo! Oh my god, Zach just said he couldn't go! Boo!
I could do Thai. Thai pepper?
Boo! Thai pepper is great, but ruined pear is way closer. Boo! Sorry guys, I was in the shower just catching up now, but I could definitely do Thai. Boo!
Cool! It's all settled.
Let's do ruined pear. Anyone want to pick me up?
Boo! I could use your rag too. Boo! I live right by you! Boo!
I'll come pick you up now.
Boo! Heliad. Boo! Heliad. Boo! I'm at Heliad. Ducking autocorrect. Boo!
I'm outside. Hey! I'm outside!
Boo! I don't see you. Boo! I'm next to the silver Prius. Boo! There's like five silver Priuses. Boo! Oh, I see you. Boo!
Oh my god, you guys, Zach is so pissed at us right now.
LOL! Boo! LOL!
I forgot Zach was on here. Sorry Zach!
Guys, I hate to be a bummer, but just start another chain.
Boo! Oh, shit. Sorry, dude. Boo! Sorry, Zach. We'll do that. Boo! Hey, Zach, you're such a dick. Boo! Kylie, we're all chained. Boo!
Just kidding, Zach. Haha! Come on, guys.
Boo!
Whoa.
Let me down.
Haha. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_246_Tim_Rogers_from_You_Am_I | We've had a big couple months actually, we've had, Wendell you had Dominic Perretay on the other day. Yeah well look I was just about to say we've had a procession of royals come through but I wouldn't count a career politician as a royal but we've had a lot of music royalty, artistic royal, we've had heaps of people coming through the Channel Country the last little bit, we're on the way up. Robert Forster followed closely by Speed, the hardcore band from Chatswood. Future Royalty. Future Royalty, they sold $50,000 worth of merch as an opening act at the Ammore, that's a record-breaking stat and today's guests can speak to all of those experiences and milestones. Not $50,000 worth of merch, no that's, man that would be, congratulations to Speed, that's great news. Yeah no it's great when you can see, I mean that's what we want to talk to you about today, the path you paved. Do you want me to be Dominic Perretay or Robert Forster?
How do you feel about poker machines? I hate gambling with a passion, it's made a wreck of a large element of my family so I do.
Everyone has that story, it's funny they still exist. But yes, thank you for joining us today, Tim Rogers, solo artist, artist in his own right and of course UMI, his storied and staple and stayer of Australian music, thank you for joining us today on the Batutah Africa podcast. It's a pleasure seeing double you. I think there's theatre in there as well, a few acting appearances, maybe a book coming up as well.
I've got a new book I'm starting, I released one a few years ago and just finished up a big film actually which frustratingly I can't talk about because actually when you do those big blockbuster films you can't talk about them and I'm dying to talk about it because it's a great one and working with a fantastic director and a great cast and I can't talk about it. That's what they say at the pub on Friday hour, you get that on the big jobs. It was a big job and working with that kind of crew, hundreds of people on crew and the money and they actually got paid for it and I get killed within 15 minutes. But I now understand why films cost so much because they get, well if they're going to pay someone like me. So insurance, you're talking about. Well we, my accountant who may or may not be my mum and her job for 15 years being my accountant is pretty much, she says it's keeping you out of jail. It's always just you're above the surface and when you mention that band selling $50,000 worth of merch, man that would get me out of a lot of trouble at the moment. Making records is pretty expensive. Didn't interviews with you guys normally get this discursive?
No, no. This could go anywhere. Musicians are interesting because they have to tell stories for a living on stage, you know what I mean? I wish more would. Yeah. I get a little disappointed when seeing other acts and their batonage is just, you guys are great, you guys rock. Which may or may not be true but my favourite musical artists have been ones that it's pretty obvious that they don't have a patter and they'll just have stories because if you're a musician I think worth your salt and I've been thinking about this quite a bit over the past few years because my partner Alice is a former ballerina and now she's the resident choreographer at the Australian Ballet and with ballet because I'm quite close to a lot of her former dance partners and within that administration and you will go somewhere and set yourself up for two months and do whatever town it is. Residencies. Residencies and as a musician each night you're somewhere else unless you're successful and you do successive nights somewhere else and you pick up a lot of stories along the way and often they're not your own but then you just grab them and you turn them into your own and that's your in between song band right there. Yeah and can please tell me, be honest here, have you ever worked on stage and fucked up so badly that maybe you were in Belfast and you said hello Dublin or have you done anything like that? Oh yes. Tell us.
Hey you do not make that mistake. I know that one's your one you don't mistake. Yeah I'm yeah I try not to.
We've done it by the way. We did a live show and we walked on stage in Toowoomba and said hello Townsville. Again be a mistake. And luckily because it was a tutor advocate they thought that was the first joke so okay let's keep going. That's a pretty good gag to open with. Yes.
I'm not going to try that same mistake and two towns that I love very dearly and so I won't make that mistake but yeah it's two mistakes like that. That's not the worst mistake I've made on stage getting a name wrong but some of those towns playing in Ireland and this beautiful country and wonderful to travel around but you get told pretty quickly where you can't be and it'll often just be not the trouble but just with family so have you ever been to Limerick? Yeah you've got feuds and all that kind of stuff. Limerick is one of the and I just thought wow we're playing Limerick again and I love that town and this club we play there and I was there by myself and my friend the promoter just let me know you don't walk out of here and turn right. Turn left when you get out. I mean that's it's a pretty wonderful way of seeing the world. I haven't really traveled apart from music apart from work yeah and I don't think it's going to happen really and but lucky enough I've been lucky enough to tour a lot and it's a pretty interesting way of seeing in the world because it might be said well all you see is the inside of pubs and which is pretty true but you have to form very intimate relationships and trusting relationships with people very quickly because you're trying to put on a show and then you're just trying to get somewhere and find a bit of floor to sleep on and so it gets pretty intimate pretty quickly. Speaking of travel you come from I wouldn't say the old school but you come from an era like at least you cut your teeth in an era when you would do that here.
Bands nowadays don't do the night train in Broken Hill and I'm sure you have many times I'm sure they still talk about it in Broken Hill about when you and I came to the night train. We talk about it. Yeah. Yeah that's true that the circuit isn't there and we do we'd be doing seven nights a week and that was a wonderful experience but it's just not there anymore.
Why isn't it there because I think the kids are still there. The kids are still there.
I live in the country town you know and if bands came through it would be incredible. The vicissitudes of running a venue are unknown to me but it would seem I think just that running music venues became very difficult and running venues without music is financially easier. Running venues with artificial music and flashing lights and machines that go much easier much cheaper. If you run a venue and there are venues around in smaller towns but it's it's graft for them and they've got to love it.
Yeah. There's winery circuits that you can do if you're kind of a level more popular than I am you could pretty much do them all year. I mean even Bruce does the Hunter Valley Springsteen when he comes to town he'll do the wineries. Yeah.
Well now I guess at a particular stage folks worked out that you needed to almost do sponsorship deals and get to a support. So yeah that circuit thing because you'd run into each other other acts and crew at petrol stations and now it's at airports and you know airports I hate airports but they should be fun because there's often you can get get into the lounge and when I walk in there and I see young performers and because I'd like to think I'd still keep an eye on what's coming on and if they hunched over laptops and headphones I think come on let's all. Let's go punch a diary next to the bowser. I could not have put that better myself. Is it part of audience building that it's not necessary to go out to these smaller venues and locations as well now with the way music is you can just you build a presence online you build an audience and they'll come to you in major cities. That's I think you've just hit it disappointingly. So I think if you were part of a scene particular form of music if it's metal in particular or punk hardcore you can do that and because you're part of a scene and that's important but if you're kind of in this pop rock genre like a band like UMI are it's there that's right and forming presence online is a complete bore and I'm being asked to do it at the moment and doing it because you want to get your music out there and cover some bills and and get people to your show. It's it's a bit of a drag honestly and I just wish that young for younger performers in particular that there wasn't this they didn't feel a need to constantly be putting out content. Well that's how they get themselves into trouble too because they really can't be saying you can't be putting yourself out there nonstop without eventually getting it wrong. You know what I mean? If it's a branding exercise well also it's Qantas can do it. You can do it just like there's a bit of with with artists that there's a bit of mystery. And when it was even I set up I had to set up a Twitter account and I follow about maybe 20 people and some authors I think Tom Robbins has one of my favorites has an account or Martin Flanagan has an account. Now they're good they're great and funny and but just here every day being asked to where are you now? I like to think that particular music performers or authors or poets that I love come from outer space and that after their works done they get in the spaceship and go off and live on their own planet. But it's just as you intimated it's just not the way of things at the moment. You need to kind of get out there and press the flesh. So take us back to the start.
You lived in every town you could possibly live in south of effectively south of Mount Isa. Were you an army brat growing up?
No mining. Mining. Yeah.
Mum's an accountant. Dad was FIFO. Mum wasn't then. No dad wasn't FIFO.
He was an engineer on trams and trains in Melbourne and then somehow got an offer of a job out in Kalgoorlie in mining and he didn't do a lot underground after we moved there. He was in kind of administration and machinery and then he moved on the road machinery and so that's why I started moving around. Yeah right. We were going to move to Groote Island actually. That was really exciting for us as kids because I was in Kalgoorlie till I was seven then we went to Perth till I was ten and then this offer came up for dad to work in Groote.
And looking back now I mean mining you know it's an interesting industry. There's harsh stories as well as some good ones. And I even notice that dad had a bit of an ambivalence towards it subsequently. But he was young and it was a job. And it hadn't you know it hadn't been politicised. It certainly hadn't been a boom in Australia with mining at that point. It was it was a fringe kind of job. Yeah well I guess that we went to Kal in 69 because there was a nickel boom but not of the sort that have been storied since then particularly out that way. It was just that that was the thing to mine at that time. So that was kind of what now. Yeah this is before the Gina's and Twiggy's. This is a different era.
I think so. I think I've been in the company of those people. It's again being associated through my wife with the ballet and then music. You find yourself at situations where you're amongst super wealthy people. And it's just a very dear friend of ours who are Alice's patrons are wealthy and very interesting people. And again you just get thrown in these situations. I guess that the impression is that someone who like me and particularly looks like me is must think that we'll just hang out with.
Hey yeah. Come over the other day and then Paul Kelly dropped by and Casey came and we played a game of cricket. But just all walks you just made them all. And as you must hear as you said with this show there's a lot of lives out there. Do you find yourself looking back at your career. I want to talk about your partner as a ballerina. Do you think that maybe you complained a bit too much when you look at what they go through. Oh yeah.
No I was a complete whinger and when I get asked about the 90s make the 90s and my ritual responses go up wasn't my favorite time of my life and I guess it could be why I mean it was the most successful time of your life and you had a bit of money and there's lots of free stuff got thrown at you and you got to tour 300 nights a year. But I just didn't appreciate it as much as I do now. And also at that time because we were signed to labels in the states Warner Brothers over there and in Europe as well. It was all about the next thing and becoming bigger. And well if you've had a number one record in Australia surely you can have one in a successful record in the states. And that's just if you're not a business kind of person it just takes you away from what you should be concentrating on which is your performance and your writing and also looking after those around you. And I don't think I 18 seven years and so it was just on living on piss and whatever drugs could get you could get your hands on it. So that's not conducive to good relationships to long term happiness.
But do you still reckon a ballerina gets whipped harder? The dance world is brutal. How was his stories? Just his toes in general. Her feet have only just now recovered and that's good looking feet right there. But when I first knew her 12 years ago and she was touring far more than I was and it was brutal and the injuries and what happens and so her new production is for the 60th anniversary of the Australian Ballet and she's bringing back retired dancers to dance in this new production and their stories are nuts. So before there was an awareness of the proper protocols not only around injuries but around misconduct just weren't there even when Alice started out. Now it's better but still it's brutal.
And so going to those rehearsals I've got nothing to complain about. You know just flying through a bloody storm in Sydney last night and having to wake up early and oh geez that's got 10 healthy toes. You would presume there's a couple. I won't take my shoes off.
No I play a lot of footy still inside this broken. I mean what idiot who's a guitarist and a singer plays still plays competitive cricket and footy and I do. Cricket's a big one. Yeah. Yeah well I play with Tristy Fingers, my local local team and yeah all sorts of crap goes on.
I got bounced by a kid this punk from Bendigo the other day a couple of times and after the game I bought him beer and I'm 53 and he was 18 and I said dude I need to play shows this week and he kind of looked at me like I do not give a damn about that. Just hand over the Carlton draft. He'll be talking about those bounces for years and years and years. No he will once it sinks in how rude he was to one of his favourite musicians maybe. Oh no no he didn't he didn't give a toss. He just saw me as an old man and it's interesting again just that with that different walks of life you know when playing in competitive sports teams and playing against these young kids who just don't give a toss about you're an old man in their way and thankfully I'm a medium paced bowler as well so I can give them a little bit of a touch up. But we'll get kids and go I don't want to bounce them or you know I know after if I get someone out and I'll go and give them a pat on the back and go good playing against you you know. I've turned quite genial in my all time mill years. It's tricky isn't it with the kids as well like I had a 12 13 year old at touch footy the other day mouthing me off threw the ball at me on turnovers. They're complete little snipers and I'm like what do I do to this 12 year old kid who is 6 years older.
And he's faster than you. Well he can certainly move in different directions a lot quicker than I can.
It's all about angles as you get older you know. It's all about those knees.
You would have had a significant break between competitive sports I imagine with all the touring. When did you pick it back up? I never played anything at any great level unfortunately because I think I could blame it on moving around a lot but at the time when I was probably playing some pretty good footy and cricket we moved to Northwestern Sydney and it wasn't a good footy comp going on then like there is now. It was probably 15 years and then it was through getting asked to play in charity games in Melbourne.
The link with sports and music in Melbourne is really strong. And it is up here. There is a good community footy scene going on up here. Is this like the Community Cup? Yeah RecLink stuff. Adam Yee and a bunch of other folks who run that up in Sydney are doing a great job with that.
I'm not really associated with it anymore. I think my time is kind of done. But even just playing at a district level is great and after games I always like to make sure there is a little PA set up and playing good records and just trying to get that link together. Yeah the social side of it. It's any opportunity really for folks outside your different circle and there's still some really shy humans out there who probably only really communicate through social media maybe with their neighbours and with their families and I'd like those situations either at shows or at games where you meet people from all different walks of life.
While we're on footy I wanted to ask you were the leader of the resistance at a certain point in time for our Queensland listeners. The North Melbourne kangaroos being prolonged pushers for a long period of time to relocate the North Melbourne kangaroos. This push for the Gold Coast. Lots of chat now about moving them down to Tasmania as well potentially. How much of a role do you still have in the resistance?
Just as a fan really. Where that all started I didn't start that whole thing. It was another supporters group that did and I just go to a lot of games. I like going to watch games and some of the funniest comedy I've ever heard has been at footy games. Baseball games too.
But what I resented was that we were being told as a club well you haven't got enough. You haven't got enough supporters. You haven't got enough money and it just felt like bullying to me and I just really detest that if you're not the biggest then you can't be the best or you're not worthy. I thought there was something nasty and quite unethical, un-Australian whatever it is about that because yeah we're not as big a club as some of the others but that doesn't mean that we're not worthy and even if we have a low supporter base there's people who need that tangible experience of going to see their team train in Melbourne and to go to games and to be with their social circle. It kind of broke my heart that we were being told you're not big enough.
Gold Coast is where the money is and I felt again just tying it back with music. We know with UMI, with the Hard-On's, with myself and the Twinset, whatever configuration we're in, we know we're not the biggest but it doesn't mean that we're not worthy and so that's where the whole resistance thing came from and the current president of North Melbourne and hopefully she will be for the next 50 years, Dr. Sonia Hood. I met her through that and now she's the president of the Footy Club and doing a magnificent job. They're a good spot. We'll rate to round 10 to make that a praise. I'm not a realist.
Rebuilding. Oh man, I hate that word. Five year plan, ten year plan. UMI have been rebuilding since 1998. We'll get there one day, come on.
But that said, you do see these moments, you see it with towns, you hear towns that get written off, you know that place is fucked, that place is just a town as a whole and they kind of, and they prove everyone wrong eventually. You know, one I would say is Wellington, New South Wales next to Dubba, always written off as a, you know, ice town or a, but now they've actually started to hit their straps and they've proven everyone wrong. What's going on there? Just it was a town that was kind of the butt of the joke in rural New South Wales. Yep.
Little Antarctica.
Did it take over from Lithgow as far as just copping it? Because when we were young, Lithgow used to cop it.
Yeah, yeah. Until you go out there, my dad used to work out there a bit in Singleton and until you go out there and you make half a dozen of the best people you've ever met in your life. Yeah, yeah. There's always a great pub in any of these wild towns, but it's the prison town's coppet. Yes.
And Wellington's one of them. But they've had a rebirth and I look at other institutions and places that have done it. South Sydney Rabideau is a perfect example. Kicked out of the comp and they all fought tooth and nail and then they are under Russell's tutelage. Won a premiership, nearly won one last year.
Yeah. I don't think you see this.
You do see and it's actually really interesting nowadays with seeing a renaissance in in types of music, particularly with these different social medias. Kate Bush has been the funniest thing I've seen. You know, kids thinking she's a millennial artist because of Stranger Things or because of TikTok. Fleetwood Mac on the skateboard drinking the cranberry juice. My favourite of those stories happened was 20 something or maybe 30 years ago.
And my probably my favourite performer in the world, Nick Lowe of Rockpile and he's a producer and he's a gentleman. He's maybe in his early 70s now, but he wrote a song called What's So Funny About Peace, Love and Understanding, which Elvis Costello covered first. But then Nick Lowe, his nickname's The Basher because of his playing style. But he's just he was a not a shit kicker, but but just a working musician.
Journeyman.
Thank you. But What's So Funny About Peace, Love and Understanding got covered by a guy called Curtis Stuygers for the soundtrack to the film The Bodyguard, which sold squillions. And so Nick Lowe, who was living a humble but good life and always working and always writing great songs, became a millionaire overnight. And he said, yeah, I became a millionaire overnight. And you know what? It's really great.
And so I've been hoping and hoping now I get the call from Harry Styles manager and says, Hello, Tim. It's you know, it's Nelly. I'm Harry Styles manager. He wants to do a cover of Heavy Heart.
Take it. Run with it. Go for it.
But the Kate one's a great story. I mean, if if if there are kids who haven't heard her music before and really the way KB has run her whole music career because she is so heavy into production.
And when she doesn't want to tour, she doesn't. She doesn't for years. She wanted to be with her son. Birdie, I think his name is when she got. So she went off the road for 20 years.
Yeah. And just didn't feel the pressure to go out and sell, sell, sell, sell. And then through a TV show and sells million records discovered. Yeah.
It's like every kid thinks they've discovered Kate Bush or Kate Bush is an emerging, which is where you want to be. I always said that to the violent Soho guys. Every time you hear their music, we see them at a band. It's like it's like it's the first time they've played because it's a fairly timeless kind of sound they have. They I got to know them through Luke. Their bass player did some photography for me for a record a couple of years ago. And he said to me that I went to a Soho gig at the Annandale and it was maybe a couple of years after they'd started. But you know, they're playing the front bar of the Annandale and apparently they'd noticed my disinterest, which wasn't actually the case. I was probably just loaded. But then when I became this complete slavish fan, just like everyone else, anyway, seeing them was like the first time they were playing.
That enthusiasm. And I found that really, really invigorating and still do.
I mean, hanging around this band, Clowns, you know, Melbourne punk kind of hardcore band. And every time I hang around them, it makes me want to just go and try harder. Or we played with the band Glitterous in Canberra with the Hard-Ons the other month. Hard-Ons and Glitterous. Well, they're four of the most interesting women. You make just the way that they their whole approach to music is militant, probably the wrong word, but they have such an objective and righteous way of doing it. And I guess with playing in the Hard-Ons, our only kind of dictum is that you're good to people and you want to play the best show and the hardest show ever. So it's not incompatible with the Bamboozle, with the Hard-Ons, with UMI or with Twinset that would come to this point where we actually just want to see people enjoy.
Do you find there's parcels of, like there's a, he's actually a forensic journalist and investigative reporter now, but he was a music journalist for years. Mahmood Fazal, he lives out near you. He's in Dalesborough, I think.
And he said, he perfectly articulated Tasmania to me. He said, it feels like the last place that hasn't got the Internet, but they haven't. You know what I mean? They're completely in their own thing. And it was perfect.
I went down there to Launceston the other day and I was just in a pub and I fucking stumbled. It felt like it was the 90s. I walked into a room and I was in the 90s and there was a band playing. What were they called? I'll shout them out now because I was having a good time.
Dirty Motel. That was their name. Dirty? I know the Dirty Motel.
It's actually in Wollongong. We were in, I was with Alice in Tryabunna, which is about 100 miles out of Hobart on the East Coast because we were doing a ballet out there. We were working on a ballet and yeah, it's similar. It felt like, okay, we're still in the wild west, whatever. It was fascinating and great.
You feel like you've got a local band playing in the local pub in front of their local fans and you feel like, is this how they felt when they discovered Killing Heidi in Adelaide? You know, is this how they felt when they saw these kids? Some people are still doing it. You know, they're gigging in town every night.
I got asked recently, what are you most looking forward to this year? And I said, it's the gig I don't know about yet. And I think the suggestion was, come on, push something that's coming up.
And I said, I'm going to be in Lonnie one night and walk into a pub and there's Dirty Hotel playing and they've got their own scene going on. And there's a band, Stiff Richards, who I saw when I was still living in St Kilda. It was maybe 2018 and they were playing at my local pub called Misery Guts in St Kilda, Stiff Richards. And they were and still are one of the four greatest rock bands I've ever seen in my life. And I just happened upon that. I walked in after a cricket game, I think, with my best mate Mick, and they were the Stiff Richards.
And that stuff still happens, you know. But I guess it just takes people taking a punt on things. It's not going to happen every night, but to take a punt on things is how it does happen.
And they can become your band, which is kind of special. I mean, finding something that you love that millions of people are into is one feeling. But finding something that you feel that you've become part of. I got chatting with an old friend of mine, Pete Danks, a Sydney boy, who wrote to me just the other day and said, I'm listening to your first EP and it still gives me great feelings about how he used to hang around in dingy pubs in Western Sydney in the early 90s. And I thought, I like that memory.
That was good. And he took a punt on us. I think it was probably at the Hope Town. Don't look for kids. It's not silly. That's not going to happen again, is it? Damn. What a pub that was. It was on the corner there at Bourke Street. That's right. You know what's going on there. It is a Mexican standoff between three old stubborn brothers that own it and one wants to operate it, one wants it to fall apart, one wants to sell it. You can't really put that one on the council, unfortunately. There's a concept record we could write about that. You've got just the guy. Yes, it's a session.
You sound like you are a patron of bands coming through, which as I said, ballet has the patrons, the arts, painters have patrons. Musicians don't often have the tap on the shoulder saying, keep it up, good work or come on the road with us. Tell me about when you guys were, in that moment you were talking about earlier when you were making music and you were household names in Australia and record labels were telling you America's next. But you had Australia, you feel under your arm and you could play any night. Do we sit there on the nights of the year?
Was there a camaraderie in the scene or were you guys very much yourselves? Oh, it was definitely a camaraderie. I guess we were touring mostly with a lot of Powderfinger shows. They supported us probably 50 times and they were very dear friends and still are. And seeing their rise, any band that's really become big in the past 30 years has supported us at one stage of a particular genre. There was great camaraderie. I remember Paul Dempsey of Something For Kate breaking a rib of mine playing footy in Perth when we go to Rock and Roll High School in Melbourne and particularly meeting young women out there, Sourpuss and meeting Brody who formed the Distillers in the States and Magic Dirt watching their ascendancy was so genuinely exciting and meeting Atalita for the first time. It was good camaraderie and I almost said competitiveness because I'm sure there was that going on.
I think when it was pretty obvious that we were going on the downward slope and acts like Jet in particular, the Vines. I don't think we played with Jet much if at all, but they were friends. We used to just hang out and get in the trouble together. But those bands coming through and when we knew that we were kind of on the on the downward slope and that felt a lot.
And my priorities were different because my daughter had just been born. I was really trying to be a good husband at the time and a father. And so there was a bit of conflict there. But I knew that I didn't have the stamina to try and keep up with or in any way be competitive. That competitive stuff.
Remember the first time we went to the States in 92, 93 and every band we ran into wanted to ask us about what who you signed with and who's your agent. And first time I ran into Marilyn Manson for the first time was in Atlanta, Georgia. Ninety four. We were on the Soundgarden tour and this is part of Atlanta, Georgia called Little Five Points.
And I was walking with Russ and Andy and we're just looking for a bar and up the road comes scary people. And this dude with who looks like, you know, Marilyn Manson says, Hey, you use you or my and said, Yes, scary man. Can we go into this bar out of the light? You're scaring me.
And and he wanted to know who's your agent, who's good in Australia and went straight into the business. Even this goth who's talking establishment kind of shit. It was all business.
And so we thought, well, we need to make some decisions about looking after things. But we just know that we're not those kind of people. And when we got to Europe for the first 20 tours and particularly England and everyone we played with just wanted to, for lack of a better term, party. And it was just all about, you know, let's just fucking get absolutely wanker. And there was not as much talk about a few Gallagher's and that kind of crowd. Smaller acts than that.
What was the loosest kind of scene you were in over there? Was it there? I was just at pub scenes around Britain. By the time we met up with Oasis, they were already so huge. You know, the first time we met them was at the Budokan theater in Japan. We did four nights there.
And when we first met Liam and Noel and I said, look, go get one thing fucking straight, right? Anything you fucking need, you just come and fucking ask. G'day, because they asked us to do the tour and they were the sweetest, funniest.
And that was loose. So loose because it had an extra element that there were thousands of people outside the hotel each night in Japan or in Hong Kong or Australia on top of it all.
Yeah.
Which was seeing that from afar was great because you wind up in someone's hotel room and Gigzi, the bass player at the time, was so into reggae and dub music because that's what he grew up with in the suburbs of Manchester. And it would all be about that, getting to Gigzi's room at 4 a.m.
And so even amongst that mayhem, it was all about you just want to end up with your mates and not people who just want to hang out unless they had something to drop off. If that time was happening now, do you think there might have been a few more headlines written about you and you or mine? It seemed like a pretty controversy free career. You can't bugger up much.
Yeah. I mean, it took Liam to headbutt someone for that. Yeah. You're right. I mean, if the all or nothing's a bit harder to pull off nowadays. Yeah.
And you just know we probably didn't act all that politely or friendly to everyone and we would have been called out. I don't think there's anything particularly nefarious, but I'm sure we were rude to people at times and we would have been called out as we should have. We don't necessarily have to do anything nefarious now.
But also you see that with like a group of five blokes, they're probably all plumbers and accountants and they're pissed walking down the street and they're they're not pleasant to be around. So imagine imagine like running into a group of blokes that you know of and they're acting like that. And that's even more offensive, you know. Yeah. Look, the hairiest situations have been into a past couple of years have been with either footy team or creek team and people just getting loose. And but because and I think because of my physicality, because I'm sort of six foot three, big nose and all that kind of thing and you get attention. But it is it's after work crowds and it's people my age, men, women, otherwise at shows who are the worst, whether it's in a solo shows or twins set shows.
But then what we try and we need to talk about rather than sometimes you just want to get people thrown out of a building and think who knows what's going on in their life. There may be a nurse who's just had the worst week and I just want to get loose. And so you're just trying to navigate it in a way if they're not listening and I want to jump on stage and grab my microphone. Just let's get you off the stage and and if someone's acting loose later on, you just got to take pull them apart and say, hey, what's going on?
Especially a rock show where it's like we know that this is a pressure valve. We know that this is what you're here for. It's not like a comedy show where it's so much more tense and someone say, I can understand a comedian asking for that person to be taken out because it's such a crucial kind of art form that they're trying to navigate here. That's a very good point. You can derail them with and it can turn into a very uncomfortable sledging match. It's like everyone's like, no, I just want to be like a rock show. Someone's on stage.
I get it. She's fucked up. Yeah. You said she's probably a nurse. She's a frontline worker. She's just had a few too many shardies. Do whatever you want. Yeah.
But with comedy, I guess, because it's it's so much about timing that hecklers at comedy shows that people come on and just let this thing just stay. You don't you don't know where this is going. Remind me of that when I heckle it makes comedy show I go to. There's a great one that Cam James is a comedian tells about. He's a Newcastle boy and he grew up obviously madly in love with Silverchair. And one time he was playing up in high five doing a gig and he looked at the back and it was Daniel Jones was there and he heckled him and said, tell a joke. And he held out, play freak.
Yeah. Oh, dear, Daniel. It was it was a good suggestion. You know what that you're saying with the scrutiny and I guess social media.
But I got a call from Daniel. It was two years ago and I hadn't spoken to him in five years, I guess, and got this call and said, hey, Timmy, it's Dan. How are you doing? And I was I'd had a couple and he had as well. So we're talking. But after an hour, I thought, I don't know if this is a prank. And so after all, I hung up and I called Chris from the chair. I said, hey, is this Daniel's number? And he went, yeah, what's what's up? I said, I can't believe Daniel sounded.
It was a fantastic chat and very emotional, but this could be a prank. This is kind of the era that we live in about trying to set up people. Oh, let's let's get let's make fun of old Timmy Rogers by pranking. And so I called Dan back and we chatted for a couple of hours and it was great.
But I just hated that I had to check that. Yeah, well, that is funny when everything's documented and everything's, you know, well, we can blame Ashton Kutcher for that.
That was that's right. That's right.
I've never felt to blame Ashton for anything yet. But here we are. Blame him for Twitter as well. He was an early investor. Now, on the controversy, can we ask you about Mark Holden at the Adelaide airport? All those years ago? Yeah.
We were playing Adelaide somewhere and we were trying to score drugs. So the best we'd come up with was some kind of downer that we just crushed up and went for. Davey and I, not the rest of the gentlemen, we've been pretty stupid. So we turned up at the airport and just trying to find a bar that was open and we did keep drinking with. But, you know, if you're fired off downers, then you get this odd little high from it. And anyway, we were feeling pretty fruity.
And Mark walked by with his crew and just kind of sneered at me. And I said something like, you know, bugger off. And he kind of went at me and said, what are you trying to get a headline? I said, I don't need you to get a flippin headline. So we just had a little bit of a pushing match. And then whoever our tour manager was at the time said, come on, let's get to the lounge. And so I went to the lounge and Mark and his crew were there and we're just kind of having goes at each other from across the room.
And so the flight attendants came over and said, Mr. Rogers, you're not allowed to get on the plane. And I said, well, if I'm not allowed to get on the plane, either is that drop punt over there and pointed to Mark. And so we both got on the plane, but I thought on planes, you're in an enclosed space.
So we kept it quiet. Anyway, then it made a minor headline.
But Mark and I have met up subsequently. Just we saw each other at a bar and I think we've done some charity things together. And we come from different places of the industry, but we both studied law. And so that's what we talk about when we see each other. But share a couple of touchdowns.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, the whole thing that I blamed him for being on the voice and made a big deal. That's just not true. So that it was pitched as you were like you were anti reality rock stars. It's not my thing, but no, no, it wasn't. It was that he I thought he was being smarmy and I was being a drunk twit. No, no. Because that that level of entertainment, I don't know. I don't really like the way it goes about it because it's not allowing people to make mistakes. And maybe there's a bit of jealousy with the way that I sing.
But I know some good people who worked on that show. Meg Washington worked on that show on the first series and some other people I admire a lot.
So no, but Mark and I are fine. He goes to a restaurant that I love in St Kilda. I like seeing him because we don't talk about fights in airports. He's a human. I'm half human. We can get along.
It was just a moment. So it was quite a moment. That was a whole day getting getting told by officials.
We cannot let you on this plane. But I was I'm glad I still had the wherewithal to go. Well, if I'm not coming either.
That's that's law. How did you get through the law degree? I got through four years. Oh, so pretty much all of it. Yeah. I had a nervous breakdown after three years. I think three.
And so in at the ANU in Canberra. And so I tried to start up again at uni in New South Wales and Sydney Uni and Sydney Uni I think and Macquarie.
But I just I was toast by then. I was so heavily medicated. I couldn't concentrate. And it wasn't my thing. I was really just scraping through on the legal side.
I love the art side of studying literature and poetry. And that was fun. I'd love to go back one day, but I wouldn't do law again.
Yeah. Fair enough.
One thing I did want to ask you about is you've been quite open and upfront about mental health struggles. And you just mentioned they had the breakdown a long time before it became less stigmatized.
A merchandise opportunity. There's a merchandise opportunity? No, I'm jumping on that.
There's plenty of men's mental health awareness groups and whatever. Now it's all. And a lot of them doing great work and it's become a much larger thing and it's much more spoken about. But you were speaking about that stuff and you were quite open about it a little while ago, like before it was more.
We thought it was satanic. Quite possibly is. The only reason I talked about it was that what helped me apart from a process of medication and working on it. And it can kick my ass at any stage. So hopefully not today. That's my only thought.
But I talked about it because at that time I didn't know what anxiety was. I got diagnosed as being schizophrenic. And that was felt at the time like a death sentence. And so I went on all the meds and it was before the band started and just thought, oh, that's my life over and this is the way it is now. That was before the band. Yeah, well, I think the band had started, but I got that diagnosis from a psychiatrist in, it was in Northern Sydney, I think. And yeah, it was kind of dire. And so it was just this year of being very heavy meds. And then through a bit of therapy, talking about it, I went off the meds far too quickly, cold turkey, which probably was a very bad idea. And the band, I had to go out and play and to get on stage and confront some things because what I had was probably an anxiety disorder and very obsessive compulsive behaviour and had to work on that by touring and a lot of very confronting situations and odd reactions to things.
When I got to talk to other people who'd experienced the levels of anxiety they was having, it all made sense. It didn't make the attacks any better, but I could, I realised what was going on. Contextualise it. Contextualise it, but also I found out a little too late what gets me into that situation. I think if you're an anxious person and they're having attacks, getting on the blow and, you know, staying up for five nights is not a good idea. And so that's the only reason I talked about it. Look, honestly, it was not to try and get a vote or to get any sympathy because it was well before you could get any cultural capital out of talking about it.
And it's come a long way since. I look at footballers now, I mean, he's retired now, but Jamal Idris was diagnosed and every time he'd score a try, he'd do this next to his head and he'd do the, you know, the crazy hand sign, which was, you know, it was great for people to see. Well, Wayne Schwartz, ex-North Melbourne and Sydney Swans player and easily one of the three toughest players we've ever seen. And he's got an organisation Puckup, which is very similarly. And he wouldn't look at footage of him playing and winning, winning premierships with North.
And he said it was torture. And that's a very difficult situation. I do worry that it can get used as an excuse if people bugger up and say, hey, look, I'm struggling. Well, you know, we're all struggling.
It's actually in the playbook now for an apology. Yeah. After an incident a couple of nights ago.
Yeah, that's, that's dangerous because there are definitely different levels. It's all with a lot of habits that I have and behaviours. You never know quite where on the scale you are.
So, you know, I've got to talk to someone and professionals can really help. I mean, there's one thing talking to your friends, which is an acquaintances and family, which is desperately important. But I think, you know, there are professionals out there who are amazing as well. And even starting with a GP, you know, I go from here and that's that's I guess that's the one door after you might try it. You go, they know about it, but let's talk to a pro. I do think so. And you may have to try a number of different people until you can find out what's working for you. And to, you know, stuff about trying meditation and probably don't delve straight into the drugs unless you talk to a professional. And I think that you need a circuit breaker.
I had to go back on some medication a couple of years ago because it was at the point where I actually couldn't have a break. And I felt like I couldn't because I was back touring again. And well, there's a pressure at the moment with particularly being anything that it's not been a good couple of years. And so you're encouraged to just take any work you can. And I was just running myself a bit ragged. And so when I was back on the meds, especially after those lockdowns and especially coming out of Victoria, there was a lot of people they didn't say no to one thing for a year, whether it was socially or whether it was work wise.
Do you feel I want to talk about what you work on now. Do you feel coming out of the pandemic was a great time to reassess? I feel for a lot of creatives. That's what we're learning in our interviews. You're able to look at everything and reassess or at least map a way forward. We've spoken, you've spoken about, you know, you've figured out your mental health, you've figured out, albeit too late, but you've figured out how to make it, you know, you can figure out your circuit breakers and you can figure out your way forward. And, you know, touring back to front, what is it like now? Do you feel like you're a well oiled machine or?
No, no, I still have shows that are really not great. Had a couple at the end of the last year because I was pretty burnt out.
No, we, which ever act on width, there's not a not a great safety net there. Even such things, there's no backing tapes. So many acts use backing tapes these days, but with the twin set at the moment, it's a folk rock band. Anything can go wrong at any time.
And if you're only giving 70 percent, you get shown up at the level of musicianship. Hard On is exactly the same. And you and I played a show the other night where Davey and I knew that we had a twin set show on a Friday and then we had a big old night and then backed up with you and I showed at a particular point, we said, OK, we've actually got to focus here because we turned up in Frankston in Victoria and there were thousands of people there and it was an all ages show. And I thought, OK, there are kids here. We've got to kind of reassess this. And it meant that we just dug in and played a really, really good rock and roll show.
But there's not there's not a safety net there. And there's nothing worse other than bereavement and broken hearts that after playing a bad show, it's kind of inconsolable. It's a sting.
How long does it eat away? Does it eat away at you for days?
Until you play a good show. Which is the great part about touring is that you get a chance to redeem yourself. But until that next show is awful because you know when a show is happening and it's not going well and you're just trying to turn it around and trying to turn it around, you just can't. And whether it's gear or your own performance or you've got to, you know.
Is it such a thing as a bad crowd? Do you think? Oh, well, yes, there is. The comedians believe in that theory like shit crowd or not. But it's always because and I have talked to Charlie Pickering about this the other day, actually, that you've got to try and remember there's someone at the back of the room who's not heckling you, who's not the loudest person, who's not up the front, who really needs it tonight. Maybe it's one in the 50 people that are there. And it's hard to remember sometimes that you particularly if you're doing a spoken word gig and all you can hear is this crap at the front and people shouting out and you can't spit the dummy at the whole crowd. You can't spit the dummy at the whole crowd.
I definitely have and do really regret it.
So I've got to remember that now there's someone in the room somewhere who really needs this tonight. So you'd concentrate on them. It's a night out. Yeah.
We did a hard-on show in the Barwon Club in Geelong and Barwon's just got such a wonderful history and it's a great rock and roll club. But I turned up, I was the new singer and I just knew we were going to cop it because Geelong's a rock and roll town, you know, G-Troit.
So I went on in gold boots and tidy little gold shorts and I thought I'm just going to go ponce it out. And the front row wanted to kill me. But after four songs I've just kept my head down looking to Ray Blackie to Murray and thinking oh well if we're going to go out we might as well. And after four songs these dudes at the front who wanted to kill me just didn't know what to do. So I think they just moved towards the back. We just had to concentrate on the people who really wanted to dance and enjoy it.
Get out of the front where there's shit in there glaring at you. And just go to the pub and find a fight. There's no barrier at the Barwon and they're in my little gold shorts and gold boots. Well yeah, if you're going to go out. This is one way.
So what's on the cards this year? This new Twinset record is out and we're kind of ecstatic about it and feel as a project that's been from go to woe well thought out and passionate and fun. And so we're touring with the Twinset for the next couple of months. Then go to Europe with the Hard-On's and we release new Hard-On's record and then we're going to get stuck into a You're My record which we've started writing.
So the year's looking busy and there's a potential theatre project as well. But I want to get to work on this book. It's a book about reading and what reading can do for cognition and moods and how you can maybe it can help with addiction as well through what you're reading and particularly reading fiction and reading from books and not screens. And so I'm doing a bit of research about that. And good luck with this movie that we're not allowed to know about. But it's a big and it was so much fun and I'm dying to talk about it.
But you know you get sent these forms and you've got to take it seriously. Well do you? This is Batooda man we can't take it seriously.
Well thank you for joining us today Tim. It's been a real pleasure.
Anything that it's not been a good couple of years and so you're encouraged to just take any work you can. And I was just running myself a bit ragged and I was like on the meds especially after those lockdowns and especially coming out of Victoria. There was a lot of people they didn't say no to one thing for a year whether it was socially or whether it was work wise.
Do you feel I want to talk about what you work on now. Do you feel coming out of the pandemic was a great time to reassess a feel for a lot of creatives. That's what we're learning in our interviews. You're able to look at everything and reassess or at least map a way forward. We've spoken you've spoken about you know you've figured out your mental health you've figured out albeit too late but you figured out how to make it. You know you can figure out your circuit breakers and you can figure out your way forward. And you know touring back to front. What is it like now. Do you feel like you're a well oiled machine or.
No no I still have shows that are really not great. Had a couple at the end of last year because I was pretty burnt out. No we which ever act on with there's not a not a great safety net there even such things there's no backing tapes. So many acts use backing tapes these days. But with the twin set at the moment it's a folk rock band. Anything can go wrong at any time. And if you're only giving 70 percent you get shown up at the level of musicianship. Hard on is exactly the same. And you and my play show the other night where Davey and I knew that we had a twin set show on the Friday and then we had a big old night and then backed up with you and my show on at a particular point we said OK we've actually got to focus here because we turned up in Frankston in Victoria and there were thousands of people there and it was an all ages show and OK there are kids here we've got to kind of reassess this and it meant that we just dug in and played a really really good rock and roll show. But there's not there's not a safety net there and there's nothing worse other than bereavement and broken hearts that after playing a bad show it's kind of inconsolable and it's a sting.
How long does it eat away? Does it eat away at you for days?
Until you play a good show. Which is the great part about touring is that you get a chance to redeem yourself. But until that next show is awful because you know when a bad show is happening and it's not going well and you're just trying to turn it around and trying to turn it around and you just can't. And whether it's gear or your own performance or you've got to you know.
Is it such a thing as a bad crowd? Do you think? Oh yes there is. And as I said the comedians believe in that theory like shit crowd tonight. But it's always because and I have talked to I was talking to Charlie Pickering about this the other day actually that you've got to try and remember there's someone at the back of the room who's not heckling you who's not the loudest person who's not up the front who really needs it tonight. Maybe it's one in the 50 people that are there. And it's hard to remember sometimes that you particularly if you're doing a spoken word gig and all you can hear is this crap at the front and people shouting out.
You can't spit the dummy at the whole crowd.
I definitely have and do really regret it. So I've got to remember that now there's someone in the room somewhere who really needs this tonight. So you'd concentrate on them.
It's a night out. Yeah. We did a hard on show in the Barwon Club in Geelong and Barwon's just got such a wonderful history and it's a great rock and roll club. But I turned up I was the new singer and I just knew we're going to cop it because Geelong is a rock and roll town you know. Gee troit.
So I went on in gold boots and tidy little gold shorts and I thought I'm just going to go ponce it out. And the front row wanted to kill me. But after four songs I've just kept my head down looking to Ray, Blackie, to Murray and thinking oh well if we're going to go out we might as well. And after four songs these dudes at the front who wanted to kill me just didn't know what to do. So I think they just moved towards the back. We just had to concentrate on the people who really wanted to dance and enjoy it.
Get out of the front where there's shit in there glaring at you. Just go to the pub and find a fight. There's no barrier at the Barwon and there are my little gold shorts and gold boots. Well yeah if you're going to go out this is one way.
So what's on the cards this year? This new Twinset record is out and we're kind of ecstatic about it and feel as a project that's been from go to woe well thought out and passionate and fun. And so we're touring with the Twinset for the next couple of months. Then go to Europe with the Hard-On's and we release new Hard-On's record and then we're going to get stuck into a UMI record which we've started writing. So the year's looking busy and there's a potential theatre project as well.
But I want to get to work on this book. It's a book about reading and what reading can do for cognition and moods and how you can maybe it can help with addiction as well through what you're reading and particularly reading fiction and reading from books and not screens and so doing a bit of research.
I wouldn't have written that. And good luck with this movie that we're not allowed to know about the NDA up the yin yang.
But it's a big one. It was so much fun and I'm dying to talk about it. But you know you get sent these forms and you got to take it seriously. Well do you? This is Batooda man we can't take it that seriously.
Well thank you for joining us today Tim. It's been a real pleasure. Thank you. |
Wizards_with_Guns | every_hot_ones_episode_ever_ | Hey everybody, I'm Hot Juan and welcome to Spiced to Meet You. The only show with hot questions and even hotter salsa. Today I'm joined by Terry Marinara. You folks at home know Terry from Pulp Friction, Star War, A New Pope, Schindler's Wrist, and The Passion of the Christ. Thanks for coming on the show, Terry. Let me ask, how do you handle all the spicy food? Great, I had a bell pepper. Alright, you folks at home know how it works. With every question we ask, we eat hotter and hotter salsa. Let's start with the easiest, lime.
So you were spotted taking a dolphin from the zoo. Was that an accident? No, that was on porpoise. Right, yeah, that was the verdict of the jury. We have... It's a little hot!
What is this? What is this, salsa? Is this salsa? Yeah, it's salsa. This is Spiced to Meet You.
The only show with hot questions, and even hotter. It's a little hot! Oh, it's a little bit hot, Juan.
Well, it's the easiest one. You know what? Let's just move on to the next...
No! It's too hot! No more sauce! You're hurting me!
What's your problem? What was that? Was that salsa?
Okay, can we get some of that bread, maybe, to cool him off? Yeah. Thank you. Here, try some bread. This should help. You should be okay. Is everything alright? Because... Is this bread? Yeah, it's a slice of bread.
It's too hot! It's hot bread! Those aren't any sweat and peppers over here. I'd ask if it was hot in here, but I know for a fact it's just me. It's just me, I'm hot.
Oh! It's a jalapeno. I would definitely a jalapeno. Oh, wow! That's a hot one.
Terry, Terry, come on. Terry, can we...
You said it wouldn't be hot. I did say it was going to be hot. It's not that big of a deal. You're not behaving. It really shouldn't be that hot.
Terry, are you alright? Terry! You were literally a dragon. You kept...
I think you're being a little crazy right now. I'm being crazy? You're overreacting, yeah.
I'm blind.
Oh, it's hot! Do we have? Yeah, here. Give it here. Here. This should help. We don't normally bring it on so early, but just kind of...
What is that? What is that, milk? What do you mean, is it milk? Yes, it's milk. Ew, it's so hot! What is this, milk? That's still milk?
Are you done? I'm going to do it. Tonight's the night.
Huh? What? Is there something? Let's uh...
Terry? Can we call somebody? Terry?
He's dead! Is that a salsa? That's a second wave! It comes in waves! It must just be the spice talking, but I think I'm going to die. It's just you need to focus, Terry.
What is this, a bowl? Yeah, it's a bowl. What is that, a chair? Yes, it's a chair.
What else could it possibly be? A metal light! Yeah!
I feel like I'm sweating. Am I sweating?
It's too hot. What is this? It's a pair of glasses. It's a fan. It's a ceiling fan. It's another chair! I'm losing my mind. It's hot!
Stop! Okay, you know what? I'll give you twenty. I'll give you a hundred dollars to stop. Please.
Oh my god, did that really work? It's hot! Let me ask, how do you handle spicy food? Pretty good, I had a hot rock.
Is this guy going to be a problem? Oh my, I'm not the problem!
Get him off the set! Maybe we should just take five. Take a break. No, don't take five. Come back! Don't take five! Don't listen to him! Shut it down.
You're a coward. I am both ends! |
TheOnion | Eli_Manning_Asks_Dad_If_He_Can_Stop_Playing_Football_Now | The NFL season is over, the Giants are Super Bowl champs, and that makes me want all of you to get out of my face. It's a goof blast. Directly after winning his second Super Bowl, a hopeful Eli Manning approached his father, legendary quarterback Archie Manning, and asked if he could finally stop playing football. Eli said he just wants to move somewhere no one knows him. Get a dog, watch movies, talk to girls, and go to school like a normal boy. Archie denied the request, saying Eli is the only son he has left to live vicariously through. You can't blame Eli for wanting to quit.
He's got two rings, but his injured brother is still considered the good Manning, and New York still hates him. New York fans are the smartest in the world, and they'll like him when he's good. Not just when he wins Super Bowls, just because he's got two rings doesn't mean he doesn't suck. Pretty sure it does, Kenny. You know, Peyton only has one Super Bowl ring. Don't argue with my conventional wisdom. Peyton is good, Eli is bad, Giants are Super Bowl champs, and that's the goof blast. |
TheOnion | New_Robot_Warns_When_Someone_s_About_To_Walk_In_On_You_Masturbating | Thanks, Brooke. Say hello to TISO, the first robot that can detect the presence of other human beings approaching while you masturbate. Thanks to him, the days of trying to yank up your pants while closing your laptop or throwing a porno magazine across the room may finally be over. In a few years, you'll forget what it was like to masturbate without a small robot patrolling your house. Here's how it works. TISO detects pheromones emitted by the body during masturbation and begins patrolling the surrounding area, pinging out radio waves to detect movement, much like sonar. When TISO detects a human being, it alerts the masturbator in three stages.
First, a light cough, followed by a slightly louder clearing of the throat, coupled with an exaggerated yawn. And finally, using its facial and voice recognition software, it will call out to the intruder in a loud voice.
Jeff, so good to see you. Jeff is here.
It also has the capability to do a complete scan of the masturbating environment to ensure privacy from start to finish. Close your blinds.
TISO is already getting glowing reviews from beta testers. I love TISO.
Now I can rub one out anywhere in the house and it's so small, I can even take it on a camping trip if I want. And developers say they're already hard at work on the next generation of TISO models, which will be able to engage parents, roommates, and spouses in up to three minutes of conversation, allowing you time to actually finish and clean yourself up. Or as a last resort, fire several steel quills into their legs. |
dropout | jake_and_amir_at_ny_comiccon_with_pete_holmes_episode_2 | BJ writes, I have this best friend who started going out with this girl a few weeks ago. They seem to have a nice relationship, but the thing is she's been giving me these sexual looks sometimes. The kind of looks that say I want to bang you. I think we all know that look. I don't exactly like this girl, but hey, sex is sex. Should I leave these sexual advances unanswered or should I mount this girl hardcore? If I go for it, how do I stick this chick without getting caught?
Thanks for the help. Love BJ. If I only, I think even if I didn't know anything else about BJ's situation, if I only heard the sentence, should I mount this girl hardcore? I would hate him as much as I still do. Yeah.
You should never mount, right? Never say you're mounting. That'll really ruin the mood. If once you begin making love, you go, I've mounted you. You've been mounted by the beach, Meister. Stop.
Why were you giving me all those whore looks? You're dating my, isn't he dating? Yes, he was dating his best friend. So he doesn't even like her, but he's still like, I don't know. Sex is sex. I might ruin my friendship and my friend's relationship.
Yeah. I'm just trying to mount somebody. You gotta mount what you gotta mount. That's true, man.
And who says sex is sex? If you're just like, ah, sex is sex, you're doing it wrong. It's supposed to feel like Christmas on your deck. Is there, you think there's an actual look that means I want to bang you? I think this guy's never had sex in his life, actually.
He thinks every look means that. I think so. Yeah. He's got that disease where you can't read people's faces. You're giving me that look. Exactly. Holy shit, I have to mount you, I think. I'm not gay, but hey, sex is sex. Yeah.
You can watch the full podcast here. And you can see Pete on his new show, October 28th on TBS after coding. |
SaturdayNightLive | diana_in_jail_life_in_prison_saturday_night_live | This week's sole diva, Diana Ross, was sentenced to two days in jail for her drunk driving arrest in Tucson last year. here now, via satellite from a women's prison in Los Angeles, is Diana Ross. Good Tina, I'm in Jail. Let me tell you something, in Jail. They Do Not call me Ms. Ross. They call me Inmate number 54899b. Ow! Wow, so how are they treating you in there? Jail is Not a spot Tina. I realize that once I got here and looked around for the sun and the bowl of fresh green apples. all I found was a tiny room with a stinky little turlet and no lid and a very grumpy bunk mate named Roberta.
Well, since we've got you here on live Tv, is there anything you want to say to your fans? Yes! T-9-9-9!
What I would like to say is, remember that scene in Mahogany, those fantastic photos of me looking glamorous in Rome. jail is Not like that Tina, although weirdly, there is someone here that's a dead ringer for Billy Dee Williams, except her name is Roberta. I mean, she got a mustache and everything. how long have you been in there so far, Ms. Ross? about 20 minutes. I'm not gonna make it, Tina. No, it's okay, Diana. you'll be okay. No, it's not. they took away my emery board and my hot comb. I'm freaking out, Tina! I'm so sorry. hey, Tina! Remember in the 1960s when I was in the fabulous girl group, The Supremes, and I had 12 number one songs and 18 top Ten hit? Yes, of course. we all remember that, Yeah. jail is not like that either, Tina. it's quite the opposite.
One minute, you're returning your copy of V.i. Warshowski to a Blockbuster in Tucson, and the next thing you know, you're in the Who-scow! I'm in the Pokey, Tina! I'm in the Joint! The Slammer! The Clank! you can! uh-oh, I gotta go. Roberta needs to go to sleep, and she said if I make any noise, she would go shank me. Tina, no, no!
Diana Ross! Diana Ross, everybody!
Okay, that's it. I'm gonna be following. she was saying goodnight. |
cracked | what_happens_when_a_society_leaves_guy_fieri_unchecked_cracked_responds | Adam. Yeah. Welcome to the world of Guy Fieri. We're doing it. It's exciting. This is, Drew McGarry wrote this thing in GQ about Guy Fieri's new wine. It's like a look into Guy Fieri's life and a look at a man who has been Guy Fieri for so long and with no one, he's Pete Guy Fieri.
There's nowhere for him to go from here except to explode or start making cigars. Or make exploding cigars. Like, you know, Looney Tunes stuff. Yeah, which would be great. They would explode with flavor.
He has a $75 bottle of red wine. I'm already out. Right. That's approximately five times higher than my usual max price point for wine.
They ask him, oh, guy, you have a, you have a Pino, I guess. And he says, yeah, it's a bomb-ass Pino.
No. That's how he describes wine. Also, I don't want to, I, this, this article says it's Fieri. Nope.
Which, like, if it was his actual name, I would make it happen. Right. But it turns out, you found out it's his stage name apparently. Yeah, his real name is Fieri. I've never once heard someone say Fieri. Do people even say his name? I think he says it. Does he like appear if you say his name too much? I think he, like, Beetlejuice or if he says it at the beginning of Diners, Dives and Drive-Ins or whatever it is.
But, like, there's enough electric guitar that you don't really hear it, like, and just enough gleaming Cadillac going into a place. His house is, it's like, if you gave Guy Fieri unlimited power, what house would he build? Apparently, it's this house in Sonoma. So, no, it's in Santa Rosa, not the Bragg. I've been there. Oh, it's not that great.
Nice. We're really great. Most important thing, in addition to his two trampolines in his pool, is that Guy Fieri has an African tortoise named Pops. Now, uh, great. Man loves tortoises. Really fun.
This tortoise is sitting there out in the yard in a pen. It's just one tortoise and a hard hat, like a construction hard hat.
It has sex with the hard hat. It has sex with the hard hat all of the time.
If you can afford 15 cars and your own line of wine, which he also has, uh, get a female tortoise. Just buy a second tortoise for your, for Pops. Buy a mom's.
Right. And he says, uh, he'll hump that hard hat. We'll hear him. There must be a season or something. Well, Google it. Maybe there is. Maybe he needs a mom's. The reporter asks Guy, like, oh, what do you, what do you feed the tortoise? And he's like, listen, man, guess what?
I feed a dog shit. Hot, steamy, fresh dog shit.
It is the foie gras of the turtle. How did he find that out, but doesn't know if there's a turtle fucking season that he needs to address with an actual female turtle? You would think he could do a little bit of research. He's going to eat that turtle someday.
All I know is he's constructed this palace of Guy Fieri. They taste his various wines, the bomb-ass pinot, the hunting cabernet.
But his face isn't on the label. And his face isn't on the label.
Which he's very proud of, as if that's a thing people who make wine ever do. Right. No one's. It never is. The label on a bottle of wine is never just a dude's face. Like, yeah. No, it's not.
Yeah. Like, he would be the one. He would be cut. Right. Even then. What could his cab blend pinot or his infantele taste like? How bad could it be? Like, I bet his stupid nacho cheese stuffed meatballs are fine, or whatever the hell he makes. Right. Like, I bet it's all fine. I think he's just a target. Like, people want to be mad at him because he's got those stupid frosted tips, and he makes donkey sauce. Right.
Yeah, they mention at one point that his restaurant got a zero-star review in the New York Times. Yeah, the Times Square one.
And they ask him if he thinks that's fair. Is it possible for that to be fair?
Like, if they have food that they gave you in return for your money, that's at least half a star. If I gave a zero-star review, I probably got robbed by the staff. And even then, if the food was good, I'd probably give half a star because I'm not a jerk.
Right, right. That seems harsh. That seems, like, I get that Guy Fieri isn't our best friend, but that seems a little over the top. Zero stars. Like, was the place just not there? Right. Like, he just gave an elaborate ruse. He gave him the wrong address. Now that, I guess I need to read the review. Maybe that's what happened. They sent me the Yonkers, and he's like, yeah, yeah. I'm in a Nets game right now. This is weird. Zero stars.
Hey guys, thank you so much for watching us talk about Guy Fieri. Fieri.
This seems like a good time to mention that my name has always been Alex Chameet. And if you would just stop saying it like it's German or something, my whole Chameet family would be very happy. And my last name is Brown.
It's a really long O. Long O. Yeah, you should see him write it. No, it's just one O. Don't be weird. Okay. |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_dark_knight | The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan's gritty blockbuster about Batman and the Joker fighting each other in the dark is packed with hidden secrets and insane trivia you might have missed the first time through. Here are some crazy facts that will change the way you watch The Dark Knight forever. The reason why actor Gary Oldman is frowning here is because the piece of paper that he's holding has a note from Christopher Nolan that says, Hey Gary, just wanted to let you know that I'm the human cockroach. Love, Chris Nolan, from work.
Have a nice trip. See you next fall. For the famous have a nice trip, see you next fall scene, Christopher Nolan also considered the lines smell you later and now you're going to jail.
The left half of Two Faces Face was portrayed by acclaimed character actor Andy Serkis using motion capture. Check this out. This famous scene where the Riddler eats the Joker's stick cost over five million dollars to film. If you look closely at this scene, you can see director Christopher Nolan make a brief cameo. There he is. There's Christopher Nolan. Watch Christian Bale try to drink champagne in this scene.
Oops. Looks like someone screwed up big time.
As you probably know, this was Heath Ledger's last role before he finally died. The crew had to film this scene over and over because Christopher Nolan kept getting on a megaphone and shouting, I love that the man is on fire in the middle of filming. Michael Caine looks so sad in this scene because Christopher Nolan told him that this bed would have a live Marlin in it.
When The Dark Knight first came out, this flipping truck got a lot of praise for being done without using CGI. But here's a fun fact. It's incredibly easy to flip a truck and anyone can do it. There's nothing impressive about this scene at all and nobody should like it. Here's something you may have missed.
In this scene, Commissioner Gordon appears to be talking to Batman, but we never see him and Batman on screen at the same time. This is because Commissioner Gordon is Batman. But also notice how Bruce Wayne doesn't appear on screen with Commissioner Gordon either. That's because Bruce Wayne is off committing crimes as the Joker. But notice how throughout this entire scene we also don't see Harvey Dent? That's because the Joker is Commissioner Gordon and so is Batman, who is secretly Rachel Dawes.
Also Alfred and Bruce Wayne are both the Scarecrow and the Scarecrow is, of course, Bruce Wayne, who, as we've mentioned, is Two-Face and Two-Face is his own wife and being your own wife is something a clown would do. So that's why everyone calls Two-Face the Joker.
Pretty amazing, right? So there you go. Some of the craziest secrets behind one of the greatest superhero movies of all time. Knowing Christopher Nolan, there are probably a lot more secrets hiding in The Dark Knight, so be sure to watch it carefully. See you next time! |
Wizards_with_Guns | how_it_feels_typing_anything_with_a_remote_ | My god What? Everything okay. My grandma got hit by a dart guys.
I have got to show you this video. It's a prank It's this guy right in the front row of the roller coaster and he's screaming. It's climbing. He's screaming.
I got diarrhea. I got diarrhea also, he's Definitely got diarrhea.
Yeah, that's cool. But Mike don't you have to yeah, I should probably yeah Yeah, I'll pull it up real quick Quick Screw up it. It is so funny What happens in it? Hold on The eyes it's over left find that a it's in the top go up.
Yeah up and left this whole I got it So close now Blair it's over just move it over Blair Blair Blair are you good? Okay, good. I was right one there. Okay, we missed it. Okay. Yeah, I got it now Okay, right it auto filled. Thank you. Just yeah go go back almost done No, no, you went too far. It just hit clear where yeah, no, just go back Keep it backspace up go back to space.
No That's Blair there's not a number a diary or are there? You know what? I'll just do it. It's it's my remote. Yeah Sorry, I got a different like I know it better. So it's different than in my room. No worries, man It's annoying to type it one at a time. Yeah.
Yeah anyways, um It's called diarrhea rollercoaster. Hold on Frank The the search is at the top. Oh Um Since at the top Dude, do you mean to turn it off? So the video is black. Just turn it back on On what it's the power. There's no oh, I don't see the Oh Frank Siri help is Siri church search on does it have a microphone search around or Siri diarrhea rollercoaster? There's no there's no microphone on the remote remote But You dropped it.
It's right there It's fine. Just relax.
I'll uh, I'll screencast it for my phone. Oh Yeah, well, what's it called? Oh my god, oh Are you naked? Mike what is this? What are you doing? Oh my god Took this isn't even my frickin fault Siri diarrhea rollercoaster Siri We got we got this |
dropout | monsters_vs_aliens | I was freaked out by aliens pretty hard but I'm like kind of excited like if I did get snatched up like who knows what I would see like you being our ambassador and we'll take you to our planet and like you know you can teach us how skateboarding rules and how your teachers are fuck morons just stay away from my ass understand the real fears that they're gonna stick something up I didn't think there would be like a big furry like monsters aim type monster in the closet but I was like there might be a murderer murderers or count as monsters he's gonna be like this 10 year old girl who lives in the suburbs of New Jersey is worth an elaborate plot where I scale the walls of her two-story house when she's brushing her teeth hide under the bed and then as soon as a hand flops down use my AK-47 to drill holes up and down her body I now sleep like this here's a question if there are aliens and there is a heaven assuming both those things are true are there aliens in our heaven or do aliens have their own heaven like we go to heaven it's just like all species from across the galaxy I don't think that's in the Bible I think about a monster I feel like it's more furry they've got it's maybe like a Bigfoot sort of thing and that I'm thinking I can pet that I'm afraid of things I can't pet aliens are more likely to look like large insects and have exoskeletons feel like if I'm gonna hear a crunch when I attack this alien I don't want to deal with it it comes down to the crunch and the exoskeleton what would freak me out is if like I woke up in the middle of the night and there was like a seven-year-old alien girls sitting at the foot of my bed looking at me the more we hung out the bigger her head would get she was probably like collecting facts and stuff about planet Earth to take back to her home planet like a sponge you know like sponge from salute your shorts monsters almost definitely you're talking ghouls spooks creepers my worst nightmare would be like pinhead from hellraiser with spider things what do you think's going on anything like some like you think some quiet you know yacht rocks playing in that head no he's he's terrible it's a nightmare it's just fear and hate anger and hunger and regret monsters are really regretful |
TheOnion | insecure_miami_heat_can_t_figure_out_who_garnett_called_a_sloppy_chested_shit | TENIS BALLS ARE YELLOW! Green! They have always been green! They have a little green in them, but the yellowness of a tennis ball is an undeniable truth! Once you add any green to yellow, the color is now green! I hate your philosophy of colors as much as I hate the face you mask your skull with, so get them both out of here!
It's time for the face-off! The Miami Heat have plunged into collective disarray, trying to figure out which of them Celtic center Kevin Garnett called a sloppy-chested shit in Tuesday's game. Miami is a talented squad, but they're lost in an abyss of sloppy-chested confusion. One minute LeBron James is pointing at himself and mouthing, meh, and the next Dwayne Wade is asking Coach Polstra if he thinks his chest looks sloppy. Either LeBron or Wade need to just step up and claim ownership of a sloppy chest. A championship team knows who they are and knows which Garnett-screened insult fits each of them best. They need Bosh back to full health. When he's in action, all insults are directed at him as they should be, and the rest of the team can do their job.
Moving on from Bosh to his hoofed cousins, the Belmont Stakes are upon us, and everybody's talking about a trailblazing young jockey named Junior Alvarado, who sits directly on his horse's head when he races. This jockey fills my blood with bile. It's 2012, Doc! You can't sit on a horse the same way forever. This kid is a visionary. His whole career, he's been inching farther and farther up the horse's neck until Bay Shore, when he finally straddled the front of his horse's head and steered it by the ears. His hubris will be his own jockey downfall. All right, let's get back to human sport.
The Braves are shopping Jason Hayward and a few draft picks for someone like a 2010 Jason Hayward. This is classic early season panicking. Hold onto your cards, stick with Jason Hayward, and see what develops. Jason Hayward is never going to be a 2010 Jason Hayward. It just isn't in his DNA. They're crazy if they think they'll get a 2010 Jason Hayward. With what they're offering, the best they can hope for is someone like a September 2010 Jason Hayward, who still shows flashes of brilliance, but gets worse with every pitch he sees. What the Braves don't want is a 1990 Jason Hayward, because that would just be a small child.
All right, that's it for the face-off. Now get out of my face and listen to my idiot partner try to sell you a terrible book. It's a wonderful book, and it's called Within the Face, and it lets you know all about the thoughts and stories tucked within the folds of my front looks. Okay, that's your five seconds, Doc. We were supposed to write that book together, and now I end up without a single mention in 400 pages? I can't include every single person I ever meet, Kenny. |
cracked | 12_18_07_news_on_cracked_pam_anderson_condi_rice_google | It's Tuesday, December 18th, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman. And that was an awkward pause. Here are today's top stories. Pamela Anderson is in the news again. Just three days after filing for divorce from current husband and Paris Hilton screwer Rick Solomon, she's changed her mind and is trying to work things out.
So I hope you all had time to finish masturbating while she was still single. I know I did. While communications company Altel unveiled a new voice recognition feature that turns voicemail into text messages, according to company officials, hit work his prick tea whale. Say it to yourself a few times and you'll get it. Hit work his prick tea whale.
Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are going back on the air in January. No joke. But seriously, since both late night hosts will be producing their shows without any writers, expect them to be as funny as, say, the News on Cracked. Also, insert joke here.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice arrived in Iraq today on an unannounced visit. Until now. See what I did there? |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_the_best_look_in_the_world_saturday_night_live | What's the deal, man?
I thought you said you were ready to go.
I am ready to go.
Well, what about your pants? what about them? where are they? this is my look, man. it's the best look in the world. the black side, I put them both on the take-off.
I'm the best, he holds the best dance. good, good. the best look in the world. the best look in the world. classy garden's never past your touch. hands up into tik-a-boo at your desk. you love a podcast, guys, it's a show. sports and style, I should know. the sun black, you'd be shamed. your jimmy cap is fried like a newborn. your coat cap's cool as dew. the soft breeze is tickling your knees, man. that'll extra lady swoon. that's because you got the best look in the world. we have got the look, husbands have got the look. they've got the look, little red genies have got the look. life's ain't fast, here it comes. the best look in the world. the best look in the world. dress shirt, black socks, no pants. the best look in the world.
Wow, man, that was pretty disturbing. right. |
TheOnion | Meet_The_Man_Inside_The_Nicolas_Cage_Costume | Nicholas Cage entertains fans around the world, but the man behind the crazy character has always been a mystery, until now. This week, Glenn Soziak, the puppeteer who has worn the Nicholas Cage costume for almost three decades, released a book about his incredible job called Life Inside the Cage. I was lucky enough to sit down with Mr. Soziak last night for this exclusive Star Fix interview. Glenn Soziak, I am the hugest Nicholas Cage fan ever.
The crazy bug eye, the big teeth, the gangly limbs, how did you come up with such a wild character? Well, I was working as a puppeteer in the early 80s, and I just got sick of doing animal puppets and monster puppets, and I thought, why not do an actual person? So I built a rough prototype in my garage and came up with this voice. It was originally intended to be for just the young kids in the audience, but it turned out to have appeal for all age groups.
Amazing. But now, Nicholas Cage has done over 70 movies, and he seems to be getting more outlandish in every one, right? Well, that's how I try to keep it fresh for myself. After Con Air, people thought, you can't possibly make this any nuttier, but then came Face Off and Wicker Man, Bad Lieutenant, so I just keep trying to push it further and further with more random screaming and more outrageous haircuts. I mean, you've really created a whole whimsical world for this guy. I mean, you bought a castle. Yeah, he's got a pet octopus. He named his son Kal-El after Superman, you know, he's got real dinosaur bones. I mean, is there ever a time where you say, you know, I really think this time I've gone too far? Constantly.
So what can we expect from Nicholas Cage next? Well, obviously Ghost Rider is next up, and then after that we're thinking about taking the character in some new directions. He might give up acting and become a rockabilly singer.
Oh, so fun. I can't wait. Glenn, before you go, could you just give us a little sample of that Cage voice, please? Sure, sure. How about my favorite line from The Rock? Okay. I love pressure. I eat pressure for breakfast. I love it.
Oh my goodness. The book is Life Inside the Cage. Glenn, thank you so much for being here. My pleasure. This is incredible. Thanks for having me. Be sure to look for the Nicholas Cage on Ice tour that's coming to your area.
Okay, today is actually the birthday of 33 of Angelina Jolie's children. They all birthed from her egg sac four years ago. Congrats, Angie. |
cracked | how_america_accidentally_invented_the_nazis | America, the land of the free, the home of the brave! Give me your tired and your poor! We were the first to the moon! We invented rock and roll! We have a Beyonce! We made Nazis!
What did I just read? These are non-refundable. Yes, Captain America punched Nazis in his day. But a lesser known part of history? Hitler's Nazi Party wrote almost all of their anti-Jewish laws based off of our own Jim Crow laws. And if you're like me and heard that fact and tore through your old high school history book looking for that chapter that you probably faked sick during but you came up with nothing, don't worry, you're not alone. Liars! Oh no, I like that chapter. That's women's rights.
But for real, there's been a lot of talk right now about remembering our American history and not erasing it. Well, here's the real American history lesson that our books have been erasing. First, let's start with Hitler and the Nazis' attitude towards America. There weren't many things about America that they hated, including our innovation, our go-get-em attitude, and the hey, immigrants, come on over.
You know, he hated all of that. But he did not hate our racism. Oh, and Walt Disney. Although he may have just been reading into Snow White's name. Just a little too much.
Hitler saw the United States as a potential future ally. America was a master at creating second-class citizens despite our freedom for all attitude. In Hitler's eyes, we were the most advanced country when it came to legal discrimination, and he admired our endeavor to keep the Nordic race on top. On November 15, 1935, Hitler met with his top advisors to draft what would become the Nuremberg Laws, which would strip millions of Jewish people of their civil rights. During the meeting, Hitler and his top advisors looked at the United States' Jim Crow laws as guidance to draft legislation. Hitler was super interested in how we successfully implemented laws that prevented interracial marriages. He also thought we did a super good job telling people apart so we could be more easily racist towards one another. Specifically, they copied two of America's Jim Crow laws, the miscegenation laws, which prohibited members of different races from marrying, and the one-drop rule, which stated that anyone with one drop of Black ancestry was considered Black. Hitler saw this and was like, hell yeah, can I get me some of that, please?
Uh, as long as there isn't a drop of non-white blood in it, thank you so much, thank you. So, yeah, uh, we made Nazis. Also, the guy who made Sea Monkeys, Harold Nathan Braunhut, was a white supremacist, so... Yeah, I mean, if that doesn't just ruin your day. I'm a Sea Monkeys man. Sucks.
So, yes, Hitler may have loved us for perfecting the marginalization of large groups within the confines of the law, but as I said earlier, Hitler also hated us. He hated our innovation, our American spirit. He hated our land of immigrants.
And believe it or not, those are exactly the things that united us to not only beat Hitler, but also sow the seeds of the civil rights movement. America entered the war, which sparked the double V campaign. Its aim was to gain victory abroad against the Nazis and victory here against Jim Crow laws. It was a huge step towards the civil rights movement. America also accepted Jewish immigrants into the country. Many of them still faced antisemitism here in the States and went to teach in the South at predominantly black schools. So, German racism and terrible American racism brought these groups together, and those professors taught ideas that would be integral to the social movement of the 60s.
It's a lot easier to write jokes for things that aren't sad. Like Gremlins. Thanks, Dan.
So, yeah, we kind of made Nazis, but then we also, Captain America, punched them into oblivion, and those who were oppressed came to America to nudge us towards the civil rights movement, one of the most American things to ever happen in America. And champion rights for those affected by Jim Crow, and women, and immigrants, and Native Americans, and pretty much every person here in the United States. Not only that, but looking at the white nationalist movement today, something they have to say is new. It's just a reiteration of ideas that regurgitate themselves every few years to give power to the few at the top who would rather see us angry at each other and blame each other for our misfortune than being angry at the people who own 1% of all the economy as well.
And if you're a white nationalist watching this, and you think, hey, Hitler wasn't wrong, he had the right idea, you know that Hitler also thought that you guys came from the underwater city of Atlantis, right? Like that's the best reason you could come up with as to why you were better than everyone else, because you came from a mystical land of glittery mermaids. But hey, if you think he was right, you know what, go ahead, go look for Atlantis.
Just walk right into that ocean without any life preservers. Just keep going. Don't turn around. Just call me when you find it. Thank you so much. So there you go. Knowing our real history is important, otherwise we don't see how these oppressive systems are connected, or how America can rise to the occasion toppling these oppressive systems and creating a newer, better society afterwards. Even if it's only one step at a time.
Guys, oh, sea monkeys, though. Yeah, sea monkeys are the boomer.
That still hurts. But America... Yay! |
dropout | most_insane_vo_booth_ever_dates | Hey, Captain Wonderful, welcome back. Alright, just read those tags there, right at the bottom, please. And all new Wise Geysers is next. Up next. Coming up next, now, right now, Tuesdays, only on Tuesdays, Tuesdays at 8. Great, just great. Now we actually don't have a hard day on those times yet, so can you just do every day of the week at 8? Uh, sure. Great. Mondays at 8, Tuesdays at 8, Wednesdays at 8, Thursdays at 8, Fridays at 8, Saturdays at 8, Sundays at 8. Great, can you do 9 now? Mondays at 9, Tuesdays at 9, Wednesdays at 9, Thursdays at 9, Fridays at 9, Saturdays at 9, Sundays at 9. Great, now let's try midnight. Mondays at midnight, Tuesdays at midnight. That was great, Josh, but it just sounds weird to me.
Instead of midnight, can you say night noon? Night noon? Yeah, like 12, except at night? Night noon. Mondays at night noon. Tuesdays at night noon. Wednesdays at night noon.
Okay, that's enough, Josh. Um, let's try 4 p.m. on leap day. 4 p.m. on leap day. Kwanza at dusk.
Brunch on New Year's Day Eve.
My birthday, around when Jean brings over the kids. Sorry, my birthday. Your birthday, around when Jean brings over the kids.
Just great, we had a lot of good stuff in there, Josh, I'm proud of you. Okay, because you're weak-willed. Real proud.
Uh, let's just try something different, alright? I want you to just open it up, have some fun. Uh, just, any, any days of the week? Just go nuts, okay? Uh, Mondays at 2. Wednesdays at 4. I don't know if you heard us, but have more fun, Josh. Saturdays, I'm sorry, I don't, I don't think I understand. Makeup days, makeup times, go for it.
Gorn days at 4. Uh, Gerber days at wine. Buildings on Elm Street. Nightmare on Elm Street. October 3rds on Kenny's birthday. Uh, Brian's at Cranston. Um...
Can I get pee pee in my panties, please? Pee pee in my panties. How did I go to that? I go pee pee in my panties. I learned how to pee in the toilet, but then I went pee pee in my panties.
Okay, imagine you're a spinach salad about to be eaten by a sexy woman. Bah. Good, and what our language will sound like 3,000 years from now? A big lady bird who just came home to find her eggs broken. Rawr!
Good Josh, you're all done pal, get out of here. Alright, get out. I learned how to pee in the toilet, but then I went pee pee in my panties. He didn't nail it. Let's get him back in here. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_launches_nft_trading_cards_ftx_founder_sam_bankman_fried_s_arrest_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Insiders are saying that the house January 6th Committee will refer at least three criminal charges against Donald Trump, but after this week, I think he's pretty much locked down that insanity place. semi-retired maniac, Donald Trump has launched a collection of digital Nft trading cards depicting him in various costumes, including cowboy, superhero, and most unbelievable of all, guy who didn't dodge the draft. I'm honestly just relieved that he's wearing an American military uniform. It's such a funny move to get into Nfts after the whole market just crashed. it's like getting into Kanye now, which Trump also kind of did. Sam Bankman-free, the former Ceo of the cryptocurrency company Ftx, was arrested on fraud charges in the Bahamas. I'm going to guess while swimming in a t-shirt. prosecutors allege that Bankman-free took funds from Ftx customers to make large political donations. that money will now be used to make sure the cameras outside his jail cell aren't working. President Biden, seen here giving the eulogy at a pimp's funeral, formally approved new legislation that will guarantee Federal protections for same sex and interracial marriages in a signing ceremony held over my Grandpa's dead body. joining Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, who let's just face it, is absolutely my type. complain that people can buy butt plugs and Target now. she also complained that they melt and are shaped like Santa. This week, Biden also hosted Leaders of African Countries at the White House for the U.s.-african Business Forum. coincidentally, U.s.-african Business Forum is what they call weekend Update in Nigeria. |
dropout | aziz_ansari_presents_parks_and_recreation | Okay, guys, season three of Parks and Recreation premieres January 20th at 9.30 on NBC After the Office. I thought it might be a good idea to kind of spice things up for our return. So I took the liberty of creating us a brand new opening credit sequence. Check it out.
Hey! Yeah, some days I feel unfazed. Like when I'm with my friends with a cup race. Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Monday, I got a gun raised.
Suicidal do-a-dime, still humpty. Then I go right back at it like an automatic. More drinks, more songs, more beats to rap. For me to shrink, I'm gonna more time, can't pass. I'm no watch, no thoughts at all. Just a hat and no error. Truth my boots, come off once Black Paisley has made my old family's fortune. With a corner office and a green in pastures. Sip cheap, lookin' til I'm leanin' backwards.
Rep this dream, you can see my passion. New era, truce my boots, come off once Black Paisley has made my family's fortune With a corner office in the green and pastures Sit cheap, look at till I'm leaning backwards Wrap this dream, you can see my passion Wrap my city, no beef with Asher Blue builder and blood, help me break the chapters I'll be home soon, it was who's toasty Set me no, sis to me, no, no, my name EVA Oof, I'm going again, back to the mansion And yes, I'm home again, rockin' and handin' And yes, you know the names of the slip-and-back to Camden, y'all Just to tell her two cities and shots, we go hard Yes, we go hard, you said we go hard, I said we go hard I work at my bar cruise, we're stockin' up on the loose The lyrics come easy, but the life is a doozy And yes, I'm choosy, and now I won't set it But I still take pop off over that kettle Cause I'm talkin' big a picture, yes, I'm gonna hit you with the- What do you think? Sounds dope. |
cracked | 4_dumb_ways_modern_movies_portray_masculinity_yboc_mission_impossible_dceu | Hey there nerds, my birth name is Dr. Jordan Breedy, named of course after the inventor of cows. But for legal and personal reasons, you can call me Doc Johnson.
You're watching another episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show where once again I've grown just the manliest facial hair and then the only show on crack where I can do this. Pretty sick, huh? Manly even? My highlight reel perfectly pairs with both my lip hair and the theme of this episode because today I will legally-ish diagnose. Look, obviously women are poorly portrayed in movies. It's a serious issue and we should absolutely discuss it. But also, how about boys? Huh?
Have you ever seen a grown man naked? I mean, men are complicated, nuanced beings. No two men define masculinity the same way and each of our boners hides its own precious secrets. But despite the vast and wondrous spectrum that is man, Hollywood seems to have extremely specific and narrow ideas of what a man is supposed to be.
Back in the 1980s, we didn't care if our burly action heroes could say anything coherent. Arnold Schwarzenegger talked like a moose trying to describe the peanut butter in its mouth and Sylvester Stallone sounded like that same moose, but also gently lowering itself onto a whoopee cushion. We didn't care though, because they're swollen pecs and rattling in 60s. He did all the talking for them. Diplomacy was a dick-measuring contest with a stick of dynamite and Jean-Claude Van Beggette always won. Ha! He's Italian, right? But these days, good guy protagonists can't solely be muscle-bound meat sacks.
They must also hold multiple doctorates in every bullsh** science field writers can think of. Indiana Jones has a PhD in archaeology paired with a master's that just, you know, ripping dicks off with a whip from 12 paces. Even the biggest, dumbest superhero, the Hulk, spins most of his movies as one of the planet's leading scientists, and you just know that he's performing complex math calculations in his head while he just tears fighter jets in half.
One, two, five, seven, eleven. You know, it would be nice to think that the message is, you know, even nerds can be cool. But those guys don't win by being nerds.
In nearly every case, the real heroism comes in the form of a punch to the throat. Punch me in the f**king face! Remember those Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes movies in which Sherlock uses his brilliant mind to just beat the s**t out of guys in shirtless pit fights? As if he can tell by the speck of pain on a dude's shoes that he'll be super susceptible to temple punches? One, two, five, seven, eleven. That was weird, right? But at least it shows him fighting as a hobby, like, to get good at it. But the BBC version also wins every fistfight, and you also might remember the new Star Trek movies wherein Mr. Spock uses his Vulcan logic to form plans like, hold my B, I'm gonna go beat the s**t out of this dude. Could she take this?
Stop it! Stop it, Spock! Stop it!
If a character in a Hollywood film is only brilliant, they're not the hero. They're some obnoxious sidekick friggin' nerd. Jude Law's Dr. Watson is automatically a secondary character because while he's smart, his left jab is laughably slow.
Just had a fight?
More characters in major franchises like Mission Impossible, Jason Bourne, and Star Trek, typically played by the Simon pegs in the South Greens of the world, they all suck at fighting and will inevitably spend the whole movie hacking computers but also commenting on how much more money they could be making in the private sector where they'd also be much more appreciated. The only other line of work for intelligent movie characters is like full-on villainy. Virtually every major Bond villain, enemy of the Avengers, or twisted post-apocalyptic politician employs a never-ending supply of beefy henchmen to make up for their lack of a strong power squad's game. Lex Luthor tricks Superman into fighting Batman because Lex's only superpower is reading books really fast. And when his plan is foiled by the power of mutual mother-loving, Luthor builds an evil demon creature to fight on his behalf and when that doesn't work he just heads quietly to jail because he can barely bench the bar.
Intelligence alone should be enough to prove your worth even if your standing backflip could use some work. Honestly, if you can do a standing backflip, then we should as a society treasure you. You don't need both.
If Hollywood refuses to let intelligent male characters take the reins unless they're also covered in beef, that goes double for short men. You can be the most handsome, witty, charismatic male on Earth, but if you're one inch below average height, then tough sh**, Hollywood will desperately avoid revealing that awful truth to the audience unless they vomit in the aisles with disgust. If shortness is acknowledged on screen, it's like a punchline. It's a hilarious inadequacy that either leads to constant desperate attempts at comedy or a life of crime as a bad guy's sidekick. Movies would have us believe that short people live a life of existential struggle that they are nothing more than incomplete souls crying out from children's clothes. The average height of an American male is 5 foot 9.5 inches tall, which is also what American men claim their penis length is on self-reported surveys, but Tom Cruise is famously 2.5 inches shorter than this average, but we only know that because our own insecurity demands we find a flaw, any flaw, in this 58 year old man with 2% body fat and chiseled features that only become more handsome with age. You'd never know he was a tiny man from watching his movies. For example, Bing Rames is over 6 feet, but he's somehow shorter than Tom in Mission Impossible?
How? Take a look at this scene. Is he sitting down? Are they 40 yards apart? But Tom isn't alone on his island of disgusting disfigurement.
Mark Wahlberg is 5'8", and Zac Efron is also 5'8", and Sylvester Stallone is like two apples high, and yet every time they're in a movie, they can somehow look all the average-hided people in the eyes, presumably because filmmakers force them to stand on little boxes to hide the fact they are grotesque, undersized, genetic failures. And god forbid I reveal that the 5'9' Robert Downey Jr. is in fact 3 inches shorter than Chris Evans.
I could do this all day. Oh, I'm starting to want you to make me.
Do you think this weird prejudice starts with filmmakers, or with audiences who have tender profiles that say under 6 feet may not apply? Would we really refuse to be inspired by, or date, a hero who possesses every other positive trait on Earth? Courage, humor, charm, muscles, wealth, confidence, sexuality, a positive counter-strike of the KDR just because they can also comfortably ride in the backseat of the Pacific? It's not like I'm expecting the hero to solve every mystery and defeat every bad guy with slam dunks, although now that I'm thinking about it, that would be great.
Make that please. I demand it.
Man, there is something so sexy about a dead serious man willing to do anything to get the job done. You know, the Batmans and the Liam Neesons of the world. Men who ruthlessly cut through criminal organizations while brooding about the atrocities they've been forced to commit. Even the supposedly goody two-shoe Superman now scowls as he struts out of exploded courthouses filled with charred corpses and jars of pee.
Take a bucket of piss and call it Randy's Peach Tea. Man, is any of this sexiness getting you hot and bothered yet? Because it is me.
Man, everyone's gay once in a while. These men are almost never seen eating, but they're always drinking, and if they're in bed, they're having nightmares about those they've lost or having wild but dispassionate sex or both. They are cold and distant when they're not being glibbed.
And this is all done in the name of emotional complexity, but can we still call it that when every character is the same? For example, why does Hollywood refuse to accept Superman as just a morally sound hero who genuinely wants to help people? Struggling to protect those weaker than him is a perfectly legitimate problem. Did they think we couldn't relate to him unless he cried in an ice cave like he is in an Evanescence music video? Every action movie and show seems to be in an arms race to give their stars the most severe PTSD or the highest number of dead loved ones. It used to be that we just showed how grizzled a cop was by how old the Chinese takeout was in his filthy fridge, but now it's measured in how many times he flashes back to his family just getting set on fire. It's not like this is making the characters any more relatable to young audiences.
See? Just like you! I remember last week when your family was set on fire, you're the same.
If you're going to freak out every time you see a frozen chicken, I think we should go to the hospital. I don't know anything about this.
After all, it's not like they are heroic despite their tortured psychology or that it's something to overcome. The psychological damage is the source of their power. John Wick is just a boring, retired dude until a pair of tragedies utterly destroy his life at which point he expresses his grief through numerous therapeutic sessions of gun food. Mad Max's defining character trait is that he never smiles, jokes, or shares anything about himself. He tells a comrade his name and that's treated like some kind of crazy, shocking breakthrough. At every turn, the message is the same. You're not a true, sexy badass unless you're also a tortured shell of a man.
And also, if you hang upside down after sex, apparently. Jokes about female rape are still circulating out there, though not as many as there were a few years ago, but it was always very rare to see a movie play a violent male-on-female sexual assault for laughs. But if the victim is a dude, and especially if they're doing time, well there's nothing funnier. He is not a dude, you're a dude, this is a man. It's a reprehensible nightmare of a thing. The worst thing happening, the worst possible circumstances, yet Hollywood cannot get enough of prison rape jokes. To show you how easy going they are about it, realize that every time anybody ever jokes don't drop the soap, they're hilariously referring to a criminal raping you. Jokes about it are so acceptable they turn up on freaking Spongebob Squarepants. They refer to it in Naked Gun and Guardians of the Galaxy and they hang the entire plot of Get Hard on it. If Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart had negotiated their contract to get paid $15 per rape joke, they would have tripled their multi-million dollar salaries. This is a real, horrible phenomenon that's presumably happening to someone somewhere right now, and the unspoken implication is that they deserve it. Speaking of Will Ferrell, that's the exact implication being made in The Other Guys.
Really? Is that what we're going with?
That our civilized society has built a justice system in which one of the punishments for selling weed or stealing a car is the possibility of being violated? Even if Congress codified that into law, and even if we all decided that rape is a suitable punishment for tax evasion, it would still be super weird to joke about, right? And if the victim himself is a rapist, so what? You're trivializing the very thing he's guilty of. One of you fellas hurry up and rape this guy already.
Yeah, so that ended on a downer note, but you learn some things when you spend a lot of time on the inside of a movie theater. You know, watching movies.
Anyway, that's pretty much it. Be sure to see Kathy on your way out for some drugs that'll add a girthy six inches to your height. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_63_michael_hing | Welcome back listeners to the Batutah Advocate radio show recording live out of Baxter Boots studios in downtown Batutah I'm Clancy Overell, editor of the Batutah Advocate. And my name is Errol Parker the editor-at-large This week on the show we are talking to stand-up comedian and aspiring Australian historian Michael Hing. Yes Hingy He's an interesting unit with a lot of fingers and a lot of pies. As a fifth-generation Chinese Australian Hing has lived and seen many different aspects of the Asian experience in this country From joining an Asian drug trafficking gang in high school to making a failed attempt at entering the Australian Senate with his very own one Asian party. And he's here today to tell us all about season two of his documentary series. Where are you really from? You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overell, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM He's a stand-up comedian. He hails from the Shire deep in the Cook electorate where people Given the promise of Australia and where they have a go and they get a go He's just come off the back of some low-level electoral fraud and as a stand-up comedian He's actually now holding the crown jewels of that particular career, which is a cushy job for the public broadcaster The dream the absolute dream Michael Hing.
Thank you for joining us. Okay mates, how's it going? Fantastic.
Now you've been doing a lot of traveling around the country with your with your current program and and we'll get into this How does it feel getting into the bush and going and seeing the outback seeing places like Batutah for a city kid? Well a deep suburban kid well, my family is from Places like Lightning Ridge and and Walgett and at there's the island. So I grew up I grew up, you know spending a lot of time in Let's face it some pretty some pretty ratchet places and I say that as someone whose grandparents lived there for a long time and had Horrible Well, yeah funny fun fact about Lightning Ridge 3,000 I think two to three thousand people on the census. Yeah, nine thousand people picking up their post from that post office Let me tell you it is a place where people go to fucking get away from it And by it all I mean, I don't know an ex-partner a messy divorce And they also go there to find opals which is of course a very honest trade No, I've never been scammed in the Opal mine. No one And you can live underground and I do the most recent time when I back out to Lightning Ridge, I don't know my cousins who live out there very well They're like it's like four generations back now that the family left there to go to Walgett So they're pretty distant cousins One of them asked me if I like basically I met up with him He's like four or five years younger than me This is probably two or three years ago, and he asked me if I could help him score some methane Uh some Sydney meth and I was like, oh man, you're asking the wrong dude. I can't help you That hard I mean you just have to ask you wait dealer it's like look I know that you'd probably know someone Can you get me some sharp It's always that question of like how many how many questions are you away from being from having access to a firearm? I mean, I imagine you guys probably one or two, but me it'd be all be like I think it'd be like three or four people, you know, you have a storied history in the Sydney criminal underworld We did our research on you What happened there growing up in Sydney you kind of gotten to was it I was well it I know looking Yeah, well, it was it was it was the four aces. Yeah, but it was a it was a look as a kid I was I Look, you know and I think getting getting caught up in the wrong crowd is like quite a um a trope But also it is what happened, you know, I've always been this nerdy I've always been this weird and dweeby But for a while I was I did have some friends who were in a gang and as a result I was also in a Asian criminal gang which is not now that I think back.
It's so like hearing these words kind of math now It's unbelievable. It is genuinely unbelievable but it's like when you go to school and you just like our friends with kids due to some sort of like Ethnic like friendship.
Yeah.
It's not actually out of any interest or any any mutual shared interest in Pokemon or something and Yeah, the result was that I am for a while Did some drug work You were employed in the drug trade International nothing across borders to be clear within Sydney and also I imagine the statute of Limitations on these things has expired now, so I'm fine. Was there like an initiation process you had to go through? I mean you have to get jumped. Did you have to like? No, although I will say that like getting out was much scarier because of another friend of mine He's older brother got out to go away to go to uni. He got pretty badly beaten, but I think that he sensed a real um Weakness in me that I would not survive cut him loose.
Yeah.
They're like, you know what you're probably doing more harm So where was this this was in the shower no, no, this was in this is sort of around Ashfield Strathfield kind of area in Sydney and then obviously in Chinatown and out in Capra matter as well. But predominantly Ashfield Strathfield kind of area Yeah, now your family Chinese background have been in Australia for over a hundred years. Yes What's it like being a weary a Chinese Australian when hanging out with like, you know, first-gen kind of Chinese kids Let me tell you there is no one more racist than a sort of a 70 year old Chinese Australian person talking about mainland Chinese people my goodness, they have absolutely no time for these if these what they describe as our mainland Yeah, I'm in a most derisive to impossible There's kind of a trope now of the Chinese fuckboy They sort of wear supreme where a lot of supreme t-shirts just a lot of Louis Vuitton that kind of thing the most racist I get is you know Dealing with that That kind of guy in front of me in a light of the thing Which is I mean, I recognize that's not a great thought process, but that's who I am You know, I'm sorry about that. Well, it's not self-deprecating because they're mainland exactly exactly, right?
So it is it is certainly Certainly not okay, but I guess the the big thing for me is like because a while back There was this I was thinking that trying to buy a property which was which was a foolish thing to begin with And to be clear, I've not bought a property and I will never buy a property because I can't afford it It's on the way back down now. Yes, maybe maybe bring on the crash everybody Yeah, I remember going to a couple of auctions and just seeing the amount of like China mainland Chinese buyers at these auctions is like probably 18 months ago and being like Well, this country's gone to the dogs, hasn't it? This is what's happened and then like, you know having to talk myself down off that very racist ledge Do you have any language skills?
Minimal, I went to Chinese school as a kid and Yeah, not peeps in that way. I uh, I There's a funny story about that I uh in year seven I did Mandarin in high school I got The native speakers class Because they were like, ah, you'll have a crack if anyone in my family does speak Chinese It's they speak Cantonese, but this is Mandarin. So like there's basically a crossover Yeah, just spent six months in this class like which was taught in Mandarin and moving like I got nothing dudes I got no idea Do you have any Grandparents that aren't Chinese? No, it's all Chinese. Well, I did a DNA test a couple a while back My parents bought it for me, which is weird for so many reasons like they should they should know DNA I did a DNA test and I'd never met any Like white or European ancestors, but I'm 96% Chinese or something and there's like 4% of Irish German descent in me, which I think is my Like great-great-grandparents generation.
Okay. Oh and when you look at here when you look at when you look at those photos, it's like clearly There's like it's like black my photos like and blurry photos It's like hard to tell but like you can guess that my like grandfather's Grandmother might have been German or something, but she's still dressed in like Chinese gear because it's like, you know It's like the 1910s in Sydney, you know They were post gold rush a lot of these yeah, yeah, so so my family came to Australia pre Gold rush, I think well portions of my family did and then left Sydney to go to the gold rush Yeah in that's my mum's my mum's dad's side my Mum's mum's side a sort of Walgett Lightning Ridge folk. They um, they came in about like the 1900s kind of thing in my opal. Yeah And then my dad's family is mostly from like This island up north in final Queensland Yeah, and they let they left there during the war because they thought the Japanese were gonna bomb them so that they've got no gold rush Links. Yeah, reasonable fear now living in the tropical north Especially around that time.
Yeah This kind of all plays into this new program. You're a part of on the SBS, which is where are you really from? Yeah, which obviously is a question you've been asked Play into that in the program, but people do say I mean at the top of the show you just said well Lightning Ridge Walgett Thursday Island and the pro gets the premises you go into all these different ethnic regional ethnic enclaves Yeah around the country, which we actually do know exists when you really think about it Yeah, like the Chinese in Bendigo or in the first series the first reason we went to a group in Will Google on the north coast of New South Wales and there's a huge Punjabi Indian Sikh population there and they've been there for 130 years or something like that and You think of yourself like ah, I grew up basically in Sydney. Oh, I'm a cosmopolitan guy This isn't gonna this isn't gonna phase me and then you get there and it's like these dudes with like huge beards and turbans Surfing and you're like, I haven't seen that before that is an interesting thing to look at You know that person and these people stories are like really interesting and like yeah Like you were talking about getting getting out of Sydney and stuff It's like it's just these stories and things you don't you don't know about like in the second series Which is just about to come out June 19 on SBS, huh?
We do like we went to the Barossa Valley and we talked to like German migrants there from 150 years ago Did you know Australia had its own German language? Like I had no idea about that. It was like our own Afrikaans Yeah, it was almost like in America that but that's very much.
Yeah. Yeah with the Amish Yeah, totally.
There's like a whole like Australian they call it Barossa Deutsch There's like a whole Australian version of the German language that was spoken and is that is that still anywhere? Is there out some old Omas and Opas? Yeah using that a little bit here and there Some kids grew up some people still I've grew up with that as their first language and there are like language classes now There's sort of a language revival thing going on where people are speaking German and also as an offshoot of that the Barossa Deutsch as well. Yeah, but it's been studied a little bit Yeah, where else you going on the second? So sorry So the first season was the seeks up in will Google a whoopee for this for anyone.
Yes a beautiful town That's recently been destroyed by the bypass Yeah, specific bypass only class traders use the bypass by the way going to buy a sandwich from these people. Yeah Stuff at the servo in town. Yeah, they've got a KFC with 40 car parks.
Come on And we went to Bendigo and in Victoria for that for to meet those Chinese people there who have the longest Like ceremonial Imperial like dragon in the world of this huge cool Easter parade dragon thing They've got I wonder where they keep that in the off season. No, it's a museum. They have a museum just for the dragon It's a whole yeah, but Because they bring it out the Easter and then it's like 300 days 330 days of the year. It's like what's it doing? Yeah, no, it's it's in a museum It's in a museum But it's quite funny when they have to bring it out because it's so long The museum has to be custom-built in like a spiral. Yeah, so when they take it out, it's like um Okay, it's like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube You know me like it's just you've got to like edge it back in like you got it So you've got to watch like 300 people sort of back I'm sure it's easy if you know how Yeah, heavy rigid dragon license Yeah, and we went to the we went to Toowoomba as well to talk to the South Sudanese population there I think a lot of like city folk would think of Toowoomba as being like this redneck racist place because it's like Country Queensland or whatever the Garden City.
Yeah, but it's heaven on earth. Yeah.
Well also just like the fact that there is a thriving South Sudanese population there that is at odds with the media narrative of like These are only in Blacktown and Melbourne Right, well that's where they first kind of landed that that wave of migration and I think you'll find there's a lot of Sudanese Community members that have a lot of love for John Howard ironically. Yeah, that was when they came in Like I love this liberal government like a man I got some news about this liberal government how they feel like you do It's not Howard's party anymore, man So and then for the second series and we went to Ingham in far north, Queensland to talk to the Italians They're the cane cutters. We went to the Barossa to talk to the Germans as I said I went to a town called Katanning in WA, which is like a sheep and wheat town maybe three or four things three and a half four hours out of Perth and kind of interesting thing about them is like a third of the population there are Malay Muslims from like the Christmas and Cocos Islands I came across to work in the abattoir like in the 70s and 60s and 70s and 80s they built a mosque there a couple of decades ago kind of before this like Broad panic about Muslims had occurred in the West and so there's just like this Tiny country town with this like huge mosque. It's like quite cool It's not even like one of those kind of corrugated iron mosques like Broken Hill.
It's an actual. Yeah.
Yeah yeah, like a full like a full a full sick building right and again People who've never been to these places or big place like this wouldn't necessarily think this about these two places, you know So it's cool that this town called Katanning has now like something like 43 Different nationalities there and they speak like 28 different languages It's it's like the stats are crazy and the town's only of like, you know, six thousand people like it's it's very few people And then the fourth place we went to Western Sydney there's a huge Assyrian population in in Fairfield that we want to talk about because Fairfield has taken in like more refugees and migrants and basically any other place in in in any other local government area Yeah, you know, I think in the current way we talk about asylum seekers and stuff It was just interesting to hear what a lot of these people have come here think and also The struggles that these communities deal with because like having an influx of people is an infrastructure problem that needs to be addressed Particularly in Australia where we have a habit of bringing like, you know migrants from from from certain countries But from both sides of the war in that country and putting them in the same suburb It's happened time and time again the Vietnamese the Lebanese It's just like didn't we like migrate away from this particular community? Why would we live next door to them? I mean a lot of the the South Sudanese Who we spoke to in Toowoomba talk about as well because like that's what's been raging on for decades and they're like Yeah, people talk about us as Sudanese. It's like nah, we we left Sudan Yeah, it's made our own country that deflates of the war, you know, but yeah the migration patterns of Australia's long term policies They are baffling.
Yeah In your research, did you find anything that was so completely out of the ordinary?
Um, I mean, it's odd from the Malay Muslims in the middle I guess a lot of people would know about this, but I didn't know about this I didn't know about all the Nazis in Australia You know about the Nazis in Australia a lot of Nazis in Australia during the we see them at the rallies with friends around Yeah, yes Back in like the 30s and 40s. Also like real Nazis. Yeah, back in the 30s and 40s There were like there was like an Australian Nazi Party there was like before Australia like really got it got into the war there were a very very small minority of I'm talking like dozens like dozens of people not like hundreds of German identifying people in Australia who had a lot of Nazi sympathies because You know, that's like I guess the thing they missed from home and didn't realize that well I don't know the complex nature of what also because they're just hateful Nazis I guess as well right but like the complex nature of what was going on I don't know I don't know these people but there's like pictures from like Adelaide and stuff of like The Nazi flag hanging next to the Australian flag at a Boy Scout meeting. Like one of the things I saw was um, Just a Nazi flag hanging on a gum tree. That's like invokes a feeling of Some sort of confused nostalgia. Yeah, so that was probably the that was probably the the weirdest thing that I mean But obviously it makes sense because it's like, you know, the world was that way in that time But that was pretty full-on and you couldn't get canceled. Yeah These tweets by this Nazi and he said some really racist things seven years ago. I think in the Second World War the first clash that Australia had with another Country in that war was the Germans in New Guinea.
Really? I think yeah, England was like, all right Can you go up there and sort it out? Can you get rid of those?
Tropical Nazis and then when you're done with that Can you come over to North Africa and get rid of the desert Nazis? Yeah, the desert Nazis and then it's like oh you've got to go and get rid of the the Japanese from New Guinea Yeah, but back to PNG.
Yeah, and the other thing I didn't know he's about was the internment that a lot of Italian people went through in the Second World War. I didn't realize how Sweeping it was like they just the the state cops in in Queensland just went through towns and just were like You're an Italian man aged between like 18 and 60 get in the get in the van you go to a camp Yeah, and it's just on the fact that their last name ends in a That was well because you know, there's obviously been a lot of Italian names like prominent Italian names for many years in Australia So, you know Italians were actually part of the national identity, but just not for those couple years Yeah, and it's like the hurt that is felt Intergenerationally from that like the talking to young people who are the grandkids of those people who are interned or you know Who are you know getting on who in their middle age now? but like we're talking about like how they don't trust they don't trust the cops still because they were the earliest memories of the cops of them like Hauling away their parents and stuff and it's like yeah, I wouldn't I have issues with the cops as well authority Ron Barassi was a famous kind of AFL family Those Ron Barassi and Ron Barassi jr. And around that time, you know I mean like one of the most prominent AFL players had an Italian name people just ignored that guy And then it was more about the small town the cane cutters and actually it's funny Are you saying about the Nazis because I know in North Queensland post election where everyone was like So surprising that the coalition won all these swing seats down In the Whitsunday booths and all that kind of stuff because back in the day That was the only part of Australia that ever elected a member of the Communist Party to really it was a state government and it was all the Italians post post internment and also because they were on like those kind of indentured wages similar to Because they were you know, not exactly white at that time Yeah, and so like that's gone a full turnaround from there, you know And they're like that is actually a turnaround when we actually had communists living up in North Queensland and now they're like Yeah, George Christensen seems like my guy Did you say you didn't get to Broome I think I think I think Broom will be look if SBS somehow managed to finds money in this current political climate to fund a Third season.
Yeah brooms on the cards. There's like loads of places.
I want to go. Have you heard about the the Australian? Migrated population in South America. Yeah In Paraguay. Yeah. Yeah, there's a Paraguayan Australian enclave there I would love to go and do a story about that like that that that's that's a that that'll be the that'll be like the serious finale You might have to go with a commercial network That one there, you know, there's only so much a certain type of distance that public money can get I think I'll get me to New Zealand. I can get a boat from there.
Yeah, especially now that you know The ABC and the SBS have had their coffers Gouged out again by the government. So I guess Yeah, I mean but look funny funding my trip to Paraguay may not have been the best use of tax pay funds I'm willing to admit it. I'm willing to say it right now flying me to South America Maybe maybe maybe you should have spent that money on the report What is that?
What is that enclave called over there? Because I remember there's videos you can find of it and they their accent is almost like trapped in time Oh, it's called New Australia. Actually. We've just been handed the phone Yeah, it's a New Australia was a utopian socialist settlement.
It's also a nemesis thing as well. No wonder it failed Utopian socialists who all have to be white Blind leading the blind in Paraguay like like a damper like celebratory damage her and stuff and they sing like You know bolting Matilda and like like old campfire songs. They're like better person stuff or whatever It's like it's real strange that that's happening in Paraguay Especially considering it happened like when Australia was so infantile.
They're like, all right, we've got enough of a culture to export Yeah, I literally think it was people like leaving because it's like the Lightning Ridge right there So they're just like I don't we found We at the patoota advocate are proud to announce the good people at Baxter footwear have signed on as the new sponsors for the Desert Rock FM studios Baxter is a fifth generation Australian-owned business which has been hand making boots and shoes since 1850 Much longer than the other brand of footwear made famous by the young liberals. So thank you Baxter Now back to the show Tell us what else you kind of found like the North Queensland Italians in England A lot of them kind of ended up in towns for the North Queensland Cowboys. You look in the honor roll You know what? I'm Italian. Yeah, a lot of Italian names up there and of course now in the Cata Party There's a couple of those Descendants Nick D'Ametto MP for Yeah, he's around there he uh, he said he works with jet skis I believe yeah retailer It's got a great.
Uh, that's very on brand for a minute. That's the North Queensland dream Jet ski higher I think if I'm thinking of the right guy, I think I met him at a I met him at a Thing at um more up there and he showed me his Instagram and I think he's a kind of a ripped dude He posts a lot of gym selfies, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's the company. He's a new gym for the Cata party Yeah, exactly.
Uh, okay Nick D'Ametto on here a real friendly guy the kind of funny cool thing about Ingham was I think of Italian my Italian friends, I think of the Italian nurse as being like a really strong Cultural thing like Italians like so proud of being Italian right, but nothing no culture is stronger than country, Queensland So like let me say something we went to watch this like there was like this Kind of like ballet that the town was happening in the town so we went to watch that and it's just like beautiful Italian ballet as like opera being sung and Again, as it like a weird discord The guy next to me was like in a fucking bintang singlet drinking a Bundy and coke and be like fucking sick It's like oh, yeah, of course. This is like melting perfectly and everyone's happy That's cool and the rest of the country thinks those people are rednecks I Haven't been to the ballet in years That lemon cello alcapop. Oh Described as an authentic Italian cocktail I had it in Ingham. It was amaretto Like a sort of a bitters like a I don't know like an angostura or something I don't know bitters and that was like maybe a third of the glass and the rest of the glass was just 4x gold That's the North Queensland that'd be kind of nice yeah, it was good.
Yeah, it was good. It was like a Yeah, it was very chilled. It was bad ice in it as well. So it was like a weed iced beer. Yeah Yeah, it was cool.
Can you um now talk us through another side project you're working on which was low-level electoral fraud Which you ended up getting a phone call. You're in trouble with the law again. Yeah So this was my ill-fated runner for the Senate the ring the recent election where I thought it would be funny To try and become a senator because you know Even though they changed a few of the laws regarding how the the preference deals work and stuff I thought like look I have a shot at this why not?
And so we made a couple of little stupid videos thinking that nothing would come of it. We're just I'd run and whatever It was the one Asian party Which we started because remember when that NRA scandal happened a couple months ago with one nation. Yeah Well, I was pitching sketches at work I thought I was like, oh, let's just do a fun parody of that and I thought of this idea of just that pun came into my brain and Then we couldn't find a way to make it work with the NRA thing because it was like too many layers It's like you're making fun of guns Are you making fun of the corruption of that are you making fun of it? And so we just kind of sat on it and then a couple of weeks later We thought oh Why don't we just see if we can make a campaign video for me to run for Senate as just as a stupid joke? Whatever off the back of that a friend of mine was like, oh I'll make a website for you about that Like that sounds pretty funny and then we put the video out thinking artists won't go anywhere But then 40 minutes after we put the video out. It happened to be the same day That's got Morrison called the election All right And so just in the media coverage that day when journalists who are as you all know Hungry to literally talk about anything that is at all interesting They would do like half a dozen papers or whatever wrote up these things at the election then kind of mentioned this like weird comedian who was running with this like Stupid one Asian party thing. And so it just a one-man party. Yes, which is Asian The only member of it and what were the policies we didn't have any because I'm an idiot and I didn't So I said I said on the video I just asked me what you want, I'll do anything What do you want?
Like kind of also is crowdfunded crowdsource kind of crowdsource crowdsource policies Any did you get any good ones? We had over I think we had in the end of a 2000 people got in contact with us and maybe Half of them were like legalize weed and another guy was like make goslamae the or goslini or whatever The national food of Australia like yeah that rules But then like half of them were like serious things like people like Terrified about climate change and like hey We need to fix the Great Barrier Reef and like all that kind of people just sending earnest policies to me I felt so bad about that cuz I'm like guys I'm an idiot like thank you so much for doing this But I'm a moron Yeah, and so that kind of got out of hand because then as The you know what a media storms like it just sort of like spirals in on itself So like the project then called which I've never done the project before and they were like, oh you want to come on? Yes, I would love to go on the project to talk about this stupid prank Yeah, you know, I did like a bunch of other media and then it got to the point where we had to actually register the Thing with the AEC and to do that I don't know if you've ever reached a candidacy before you've got to hand you've got to go into the AEC with money Dollars and stuff and you've got to get 500 or so. It's a hundred people to Getting a hundred people to sign a thing. It's fine registering a party's 500 people That was harder because they'd already called the election so he couldn't register me as a party Yeah, but I'm getting the signatures was fine You know paper it was fine And then when we talked to the AEC they were like, yeah There are so many reasons why you can't do this So we went back and forth for them for a couple of weeks trying to get it sorted but in the at this stage, did you feel like a real kind of Second wind of kind of actual political ambition You know, it's like so someone tells you can't do something that really like really they would harden my results The worst reason to ever run for politics is spite but Just to spite the AC.
I was so he kept we kept trying and eventually what it came down to was the there's a section 44 of the Constitution where it says these are the reasons you can or cannot run because of the whole debacle that's been happening the last couple of years they make you Pre-fill those Eligibility things. Yeah, and they are things like you can't be a dual citizen or you can't have another nationality or another citizenship You can't be bankrupt. And then one of them. Oh, you can't be treasonous And then one of them was that you can't you can't Have an office of profit under the crown and so the argument was because I work at SPS You know, that was what they got you on well, that was what they said and ice That's what they picked. So I see here So I spoke to a lawyer about this and they were like look I reckon you've actually got a pretty good argument is because an office That is technical legal bullshit but like the office would have to exist without the person who holds it so like a treasurer is an office because Every organized like this organization would have a treasure whether you're there or not, right? There is no like office of like a satirist at the feet or some shit Like that's not a you know, that's not a thing So they're like, I think you've got a pretty argument that so we said that to the AC and they were like Yeah, the other problem is you've been playing some of these segments on government television.
I was like, yes, we have All right, so so that was the thing that really put the nail on the call There has been like a bit of a track record around the world I mean, there's the five star sort of movement in Italy Yeah, and there's the president of Ukraine now is a comedian yeah like fuck I'm gonna have to dissolve the Parliament now. Yeah, because he um So he was a guy who played the president on TV for many years and then just got elected I tried to read that article that got very meta So yeah He he this guy played a character who was a school teacher Who who then gave an impassioned speech and then became president off the back of that in the sitcom? Yeah. Yeah, and then And then the actor not the character Decided to try and play that out a version of that out in real life and he ran for president You know using a lot of the rhetoric and stuff that he's character had used on the show and one and one Now he is the president of the Ukraine so this actor and he's bucking anti-putin. Yeah You've got this actor right who's gone from being on like a small TV show in the Ukraine to now being like I'm gonna stand up to Putin And it's like what's not like it's the most surrealist fucking Twilight Zone shit. I mean like there is absolutely no way that this guy is capable of handling Putin at all on any level It's more just like just you know, the the I mean, I don't know a lot about you know, Russian Ukrainian politics but I imagine that the the arm of the Russian state is Probably deep into Ukraine at this point and their influences are is held throughout but yeah, you're right He just dissolved the Parliament to like run parliamentary elections like I think of all the corruption it's like well Well, you know, it's actually not that far off a reality TV star becoming the president, you know in America Anything can happen Darren Hinch getting into the Senate.
Well, he's out of the Senate So now The other thing that happened was a people were worried that I was accepting donations and that this was like a get-rich-quick Scheme for me people offered to not donate any money, but like I didn't I just it's not like I had a moral Reason to not accept I just have the technical ability to like I wasn't trying to do it in the legalities So we didn't take any but then like yeah, there was a lot of officials who are um Yeah, I'll ask me a lot of questions about that. So it got pretty so you got a fine Call from well look from the pigs. Yeah from the claim to the IP at least saying Asking me about donations that acceptance staff and like, you know You always think to yourself like I'm gonna stand up to these people as soon as the cops call me And then I immediately crumbled it was like yes, sir.
No, sir. I'm sorry.
I don't want to be in trouble That's why the Ashfield criminal gang cut you lose Sings like Sinatra Did you get any like like anti one Asian party stuff on WeChat I'm allowed to register WeChat because I'm not a Chinese citizen and I don't have a Chinese citizen do it like the like the major parties Do yeah, I will say that it's weird the most vitriolic stuff I got I thought I thought maybe like the alt-right and whatnot would come out against me they didn't care but it was like a lot of the a lot of the lefties were the ones who really Really got it got annoyed at me. I got an email from a guy from the Socialist Alliance being like mate. You've not got a chance. So just redirect all your preferences to the Socialist Alliance I was like, yeah, I got some news for you buddy. Yeah, the socialist alliance and I have the same amount of senators You have no chance just give me a preference And then like the other thing I had was there was a Couple of green stuff has got in contact with me not actual politician but some green stuff has got in contact with me and we're like, um you running this campaign will hurt the chances of marine Faruqi getting reelected in New South Wales and they were like And she's the only like South Asian or the only Asian member of like New South Wales Senate or whatever like so you need To think about what you do.
I'm like, that's not my fault If I get in and she does it that's not like that's not a that's not a loss for diversity Love to have seen those white guys telling you to think about Asian people Now tell us a little bit about stormy Daniels Well, you guys familiar with the app cameo where our celebrities will say hello to you for money. Yeah Though there was one about George Pelham, yeah Yes, so they stitched up flavor flavor just for the man George pal. That was a good one. Yes. Yeah, they strong So there's an as an alcohol cameo where they will where celebrities will do shoutouts to like, you know Happy birthday to Sam or whatever or you know Congratulations on your retirement Alex or whatever and it's you know It costs up to a thousand dollars for like real top-tier celebrities and I went through that thing like oh man it'd be good to get some funny celebrity endorsements and the the best the I sent out maybe like 20 asking people to do it and the only one that was That came back that was real good was uh, the only one that who came back and said yeah, I'll do this stormy day It was 250 bucks. So it's not Trump's mistress. Yes, exactly The the adult film star who had an affair with Donald Trump for it for many years or for many years many months I don't know many dollars Yes many dogs and there was paid hush money by Donald Trump to to keep quiet about it And then again just just spilt all the bags And so she came out you said there's like this like 15-second thing where she told me to keep fighting the good fight Just quite cool But what was quite funny about that is afterwards the cameo people Got in like the people who run the app Got in touch with me and we're like, oh we're trying to sign people up in Australia to be like celebrities on cameo You should you should totally sign up and I was like, I don't think anyone's gonna want this But then I thought you know what even on the off chance that like one person wants this It's an easy way to make some money so I was like stormy Daniels charges what like 250 bucks like so, I don't know what what's a shout-out from michael hingworth maybe like 50 bucks and the lady was like Um, I think you're probably over pricing it a bit.
Um, I think like seven to ten dollars I'm like artists. I don't know. This is really worth the time That's how much that's how much my soul is worth seven to ten dollars in the internet marketplace That just sounds like it wasn't worth the email From her and particularly Now tell us you're on the other guy.
What else you got coming up if you got a tool coming up I'm sort of writing in you an hour now that I'll to a next year. So 2020 So the that I'll do all the comedy festival Sydney Melbourne Perth Adelaide, Brisbane In 2020. Yeah right now. I'm just working on stuff.
The other guy season two is gonna come out on Stan If you don't want to pay for it, just hit me up I'll sing in my details. You can log in with my Think the login is just like I think it might be like Michael dot Hing at Stan or something. It's the login. I can't remember anyway That's how we're gonna promote this podcast Michael Hing shares his stand On the off chance you wanted to watch paperback hero If you want to watch the 21 films leading up to the Avengers and game But yeah, the big thing I work on week to week is the show called the fees on SBS Iceland That's like the that's like the thing that basically all of my energy goes into when I'm not making them Regional documentaries about multiculturalism Well, we look forward to season two.
What was it? What was the release of that?
So season two of where he really from comes out. Yeah, June 19th.
It's a Wednesday evening 830 on SBS please please watch that because sweet mercy, I want to go to Paraguay and And if you have a community that you think might be Interestingly multicultural, please send through a DM to Michael Hing. Yeah, hit me up on Instagram and maybe I'll maybe I'll come to your town And ask you about your personal family stories and make your parents cry or something and an emotional television interview There is a interesting ethnic enclave in western, Victoria I'm trying to find the name of it. It's called the hill. Uh-huh in regional, Victoria And it has a lot of Karen refugees. So the current the the Korean people Yeah, they are what Korean Korean they are one of the they are one of the 43 ethnic groups living in katani, right? and they are a Christian minority group from former Burma now known as Myanmar But that but the people the Korean still call it referred orders Burma Yeah, because they were because they were Christian They really along with the British when the British were there and so they got real cozy with them and so when the revolution happened a lot of the Non-christian non-british people saw them as like, you know being allied to the Brits and whatnot. Yeah so that's that that was one of the Angles of the ethnic tension and that and whatnot, right, right They're not just in I'm gonna get for this but it's new the town's pretty hard to say new hill. Yeah, Victoria They're also in katani the community of them Perth and they that they are yeah living in katani as well But it's a it's a I think this maybe 12,000 Korean in Australia something like that in total, but yeah Yeah, they are a I sat through a three-hour Korean language church service Which was very little English When I was a katani and just because when you're making TV, you've got to look either you never you never want Just what one shot to get out where it's just you looking bored at people enjoying something because it's so rude It's so rude But at the same time it's so hard to be interested when you literally can't understand anything And it's church and it's churches like churches already quite boring. I grew up going a lot of church services I know they're quite boring. It's in another language on top of that and like anyway I got a few shots of you looking interested anyway Yes, well, I maintained a smile throughout the whole thing and then I found out later on I'm like, of course, they want shooting me Of course, they want me taking pictures of me during that like I'm not the interesting thing in that They're just filming the church service, which is the interesting There's there's also we need to get you out to get in Lockyer Valley big German community out there Shane Webke descendant of the Lockyer Valley Germans and also up there in the Burnett in you know, northwest of Brisbane obviously was where a lot of Lutheran kind of Scandinavians ended up and The great sir.
Joe be hockey Peterson is a product of that the peanut farmers up there. Oh, yeah, right He was born in New Zealand. Yeah.
Yeah, that's where a lot of the Scandinavians kind of ended up and they obviously became quite conservative Queenslanders and took over the national party and really built Queensland In doing because we don't have me to Tassie it I'd love to go to Tassie I think there's like a there's like a lot of Dutch communities in Tasmania I'd like to go to there's like Basque people as well who have congregated in Regional Victoria as well. No regional Queensland.
Sorry as well. Yeah, so I'm I'd be interested to A lot of Slavic Central Coast New South Wales and actually Cairns has a big Slavic community to the Stefanovics Australian icon Well, thanks for joining us today. Hing. Oh, thanks, dude. It's been such a pleasure Look forward to seeing season two looking forward to seeing your new tour. Yeah. Talk to you guys soon |
dropout | dog_toy_or_sex_toy_the_interactive_game | Hi, I'm Pat. What would you say if I challenged you to tell sex toys from dog toys? You'd probably say, it's a really weird thing to challenge Patrick, why would you do that? Because it's harder than you think. This is Sex Toy or Dog Toy Home Edition. The rules are simple, I will present you the audience with a series of objects that can be either adorable toys for pooches or deviant sexual tools and you will have to decide which one is which. Arguing for why each object could be a sex toy is a team sex toy, College Humor Zone's Zachoyama and Mistress Lynn Pops and on Team Dog Toy we have Katie Marovitch from College Humor and Leo.
Okay, let's get started. Presenting our first items, furry tail thing-a-bobber. I think he's made his decision already. Katie, why don't you start.
Excellent. Okay, I think it's pretty obvious. I think that his reaction is evidence enough. Agreed.
This is certainly a dog toy. Team Sex Toy. I think this end, it would go into something. Like a dog's mouth. Well, yeah, but like. It definitely goes on the butt. Yeah. Totally. Is this a common toy would you say? Yeah, there's a butt plug with some sort of accessory.
Okay, both teams have made their arguments. Theo has made his argument obviously. Please enter your answer now. |
SaturdayNightLive | christmas_eve_drunks_snl | Hey Jarvis, how about a little refresher over here? I'm happy too, I could use the refresher himself. didn't I say last call? don't do this to me, it's the night before Christmas. Look, I got to get home. I want to go home too, but I don't got no home. See, that is not my problem. Jarvis! Okay man, but only cause it's Christmas Eve.
I'll tell you what, this last one is on the house. on the house? any drink you want, consider it my Christmas present. Anything? anything. I'm gonna have me a Brandy Alexander. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want something I've never had before. you're kidding, George. it's the holidays, get a drink that's right for you. I know that's true. it's the holidays, we'll take a chance at something new. choo-ka-choo, choo-ka-choo, choo-ka-choo. try your man hand, or maybe a Singapore Sling. that's right. it's the holidays, we can own your anything. I don't know, that's good. Yeah. I like Tom Collins, he's a old, dear friend of mine. yeah, I know, you two go way back. I like to drink something simple like a gin and lime. it's Christmas Eve, but not a glass of champagne. Oh, that sounds terrific. it's the holidays, we can own your anything. Hey, George, you know I could go for a mint julep. A delicious and an excellent, excellent drink.
I'll beat myself up by half a strawberry flip. Oh, from a vacuum. rub your bag of balls with a dash, a dash of nutmeg.
Oh, what about a Black Russian? I had a Black Russian, but she was no drink.
I wouldn't mind a grasshopper though. I'm too old, girl, I'm considering the plum rickety. I'm too tricky, a plum rickety, but a stinger might work. a side cuff for me. whatever we want is practically Christmas life. You're right, it's the holidays, I've never had a newborn name. what would you say that again? you know what, it's the holidays, I really like a vaseer.
Oh, me sweet, that stuff is delicious. I like Bloody Mary's dirty hair, restore something with a little zing. it's the holidays, we can own a wedding. All right, so what'll it be? I have a wine. a wine for me.
Merry Christmas, y'all drunk. Merry Christmas to you, you old bro. |
cracked | the_guy_who_said_he_got_hit_by_lightning_7_times | It's famously hard to get struck by lightning, but Roy Sullivan is a man who allegedly got it down to a science seven goddamn times. Let's take a look at the man who claims to have been licked by Odin for each day of the week and see what's really going on.
Roy Sullivan was born in 1912 in a small Virginia town nestled in the Shenandoah Valley, where Sullivan once claimed to have shot 30 rabbits in one day, which is a super weird brag and also seemed a tad excessive. Isn't there a point after you've killed, like, I don't know, five, six, ten rabbits that you stop and think to yourself, hey, you know, I think I'm good for the day. Roy never had that thought, 30 rabbits had to go down that morning and that was that.
Or did they? This is an important time to stop and say that this, like everything else we're about to hear, was just a claim by Roy, unverifiable and dubiously grandiose. It's entirely possible that Roy's penchant for boastful storytelling began at a young age, so we need to keep that in mind. As Roy grew older, his love for nature grew as well. He made it official by joining the park services as part of the fire patrol, where he would become a real human lightning rod. Maybe. Roy was pretty fresh in the department when he took his first blast in 1942.
Stationed at a new fire tower that hadn't had any actual lightning rods installed yet, he watched as a massive storm rolled in, and after seeing lightning strike the tower six or seven times, Roy made a break for it. Sure enough, Roy only made it a few feet before Zeus targeted him in that great, real-time strategy game in the sky and hit his lightning hotkey. In what will become a running theme here, absolutely nobody was around to see what happened next.
Roy claimed to have had a half-inch stripe burn down his right leg and that his big toe was blown clean off. Let's just stop right there. Toes shouldn't do that, but it's allegedly what happened. And you know what?
I'm inclined to believe this one. After looking into it as deeply as possible and stacking it up against the ones that follow, I can confidently say that I'd give this story a 51% chance of being true. Those odds, of course, are about to go way down.
It was almost 30 years later, in 1969, that Roy claimed to have been struck again. His tale went that he was driving his parked truck through the forest when another storm hit. He said the lightning danced from tree to tree, working closer toward him as he drove through the mid-90s blockbuster scene that he was living, before Thor was done screwing around and sent a shot straight through the windshield.
Fucking him unconscious. When Roy came too, he had nearly driven his car off a cliff and was missing his eyebrows and eyelashes. And that's pretty much all the damage he took.
What he's selling us on is that lightning not only singled him out, but once it had, he was hit by the softest bolt of all time and it spared him with a drunken frat boy prank for an injury. I personally find it more likely that old Roy was hot dogging in his work truck because that's a time-honored, God-given American right and he got a little sideways and crashed into a tree. I believe Roy then did some quick thinking and grabbed a plain, big razor. Either way, Roy claims that Thor checked in on him again just one year later, and this next strike happened, you guessed it, while Roy was alone. He said he was hanging out doing a little bit of gardening on a clear, sunny day when this one hit. He claims he was struck in the shoulder, lifted off his feet, and burned only slightly. Checking back in on our odds, I'm going to put my belief in this strike at a generous 1% and I'm going to go with a 99% chance that he burned himself on the stove.
Roy was struck once again a few years later, and this time it allegedly set his damn hair ablaze. With Roy putting on the best Ghost Rider cosplay in history, he frantically tried to subdue the flames that were dancing on his head by sticking it in the sink. Understandably, Roy was starting to gain some minor fame from all of this. After the fourth strike, he was interviewed by the Washington Post, to whom he claimed he was actually struck once as a child, too. He insisted that he'd been in the fields cutting weed when a bolt shot through his skype and set the field on fire. I think it's fair to conjecture at this point that Roy may have loved him some attention. The fourth strike also saw the Guinness Book of World Records come calling. They dubbed Roy the only living man to be struck by lightning four times. Roy was famous. He could have called it right there, but this was the goddamn Spark Ranger. Yeah, an incredible, real nickname given to Roy around this time. Roy was thus hit for the fifth time in 1973. Roy was once again driving his truck through a storm, and after he believed he was out of harm's way, he stopped the truck for a quick little peek around. He described what happened next, saying, I actually saw the lightning shoot out of the cloud this time and it was coming straight for me. According to Roy, who was, and I hope you're sitting down, alone again, his hair was set aflame and his boot popped off. The ink had hardly dried on Roy's Guinness entry before they needed to update the strike count. The sixth time Roy straight up lied to everybody, I'm sorry, was struck by lightning, was a few years later.
I'm going to need you to suspend your disbelief for just a second here and bear with me.
Roy Sullivan was once again, alone, with no witnesses nearby, when he was struck. But this time, Roy seems to have really phoned it in. There's no documentation of any sort of notable bodily harm, no fantastical story. Roy was simply walking along a trail on duty when he was hit.
Uh-huh. The seventh and final strike was a doozy.
Roy had finally retired, so he decided to move to a place where it doesn't storm, and he would stay inside and watch TV all day, and would never ever go outside again under any circle. I'm joking, he went right back down to the park to throw the double birds at fate.
He was fishing in a stream, all alone, no witnesses, you know the drill, when this one hit. His head was struck, his body was burned, and some holes were ripped in his shirt and pants.
And once again, this either happened, and we are taking his word for it, or Roy Hulk Hogan to his shirt and held a lighter to his nipples for a little bit. But Roy knew that if his final comeback song was going to top the charts, he'd need a little more spice.
So, he claimed to have pulled himself back to the truck, where he was met by a hungry black bear, who was interested in the fish he had caught. Despite being freshly incinerated, Roy asserted that he was able to fight the bear off and make his way back to the car with his life and fish, fully intact.
The reality is that we'll never truly know the whole story here. It's been almost unanimously accepted in print and legend, in spite of a lack of proof, and the even more incredible idea, that someone was struck by lightning 7 times and somehow didn't earn the record for World's Deadest Man. |
dropout | D_D_Meets_NYC_The_Unsleeping_City_Full_Episode | Brennan loves this bit. I love this bit, I can't lie.
It is a snowy, blustery day. Cold, crisp, clear skies over the best skyline of any city that has ever been or will ever be. It is New York City, baby. Snow flurries from the sky as the wind kicks up. We see gusts of freezing air blow past the Chrysler Building, down through streets of honking cabs and just miserable-looking pedestrians who crowd into the tunnels of the subways, pack all of a sudden their winter coats, trapping them in boxes of body odor and heat stuffed together in their morning commute.
Down through the tunnels, a blast of laundry mixed with hot garbage and the sweet smell of the hot nuts stands. We go through the hellish wasteland of Times Square, up, up, following snow again, over the bridge, Brooklyn Bridge right here, through neighborhoods where families tuck their little bundled influence through strollers and walk down little lanes of trees, back through neighborhoods where, again, little corner stores sell hot bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches to morning commuters. Bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich, the best thing you ever made.
It costs like, what, 250, 225? That's a deal. We follow the wind early to mid-December morning in New York City, a city where so many people dream of coming and making a life for themselves and it's always felt a little bit like maybe just around the corner there's a little bit of magic. I'm gonna go ahead and roll to see which of our PCs will go first. Hee hee.
We follow a little whisk of snow all the way down up through Williamsburg where the hipsters still dwell, but mostly the rich people that have now come and displaced those hipsters. And we arrive in a little neighborhood called Greenpoint, which is still an area of bars and partying. There's rooftop places that have now been shuttered up for the winter, or those few tenacious places that have those insane heating lamps up so people can still be on a rooftop bar in mid-December and we go very close to the water.
There is a dingy little doctor's office. This doctor's office might not be super accredited and it might not even be billed or listed as necessarily a doctor's office. It's kind of in a corner of a warehouse way down by the water. The snow settles on a windowsill and in a dingy little medical office, we see our friend Pete the Plug.
Ally, could you go ahead and describe your character for the group? Yeah, I'm Pete. Just let me know what you're trying to track down because I'm sure I can get it. I sell everything and I personally take even more. There's not an errand I can't run after a fistful of mushrooms.
What does Pete look like? What's Pete wearing? Pete looks almost exactly like Hunter S. Thompson, only young. I'm wearing a cowboy hat.
I got on shades, like the yellow shades because they're helping me with seasonal affective disorder right now. I am not doing well on the inside. I did go through a breakup. I did lose the one and she's thriving. But I'm gonna be okay. It's cool that I found a doctor that is so cheap, I'm hoping.
Speaking of which, so Pete, you are sitting on the little kind of like roll out paper on the thing. You've got the phone in your hand. This is your personal phone that actually has like smartphone apps on. It's not your business phone. Got it. And you're looking at your text history with Priya. And it's not looking great.
It's a big wall of you with timestamps kind of going back for like a couple weeks. Yeah, I said and one more thing a lot of time. I probably just should have started writing these things in a note and like saving it to draft, but I didn't. And she just wrote back, okay.
Speaking of the doctor's office, the door opens up and Dr. Lugash Primitsky walks in. Dr. Lugash is a very kind but intimidating looking guy.
He is crazy, like broad shouldered with these huge hairy arms that kind of go down a little bit longer than you imagine. He looks like he's got like strangling hands. He has a bunch of like tattoos of like weird dragons wrapped around his arms. He's got like Cyrillic lettering in them.
You see he's got a little white shirt with a black tie. No doctor's coat.
He's got these like a big square jaw with like a nose that got busted up in a bunch of boxing matches or something. Salt and pepper hair kind of in a flop. But these extremely thick rimmed black glasses. So he looks, his eyes kind of are magnified a little bit in his head, which looks a little bit goofy.
Dr. Lugash walks in. You've been working with Dr. Lugash for a while. Your supplier, Seven, recommended him to you. Dr. Lugash works with people who need medical help for cash and not on the books. You see that Dr. Lugash walks in with a little chart and goes, okay Peter, how's it going?
Ugh. Oh, it's good, Matt. Yeah, you feeling all right? Your test results do not indicate that this is true. What do you mean? Well, I'm lucky here. I guess we'll start with the small stuff. Your vitamin levels are not great. What have you been eating recently?
I found out if you microwave cheese on a plate, you can peel it off and then it's like a crispy, like a crispy cracker. Oh boy, okay. That's, you know you should not be eating just cheese, especially microwave, you can't get, you could go down to the corner store and get the microwave toaster. At least the cheese would be more crisp. Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe you're right. Yeah, I could probably eat like a salad or something.
So, good news as well, it looked like you're totally healed up from the top surgery, which is great, congratulations. Thank you, yeah, yeah, it's now I'm, I'm ready to.
Oh boy, okay, Pete, okay, Pete. Yeah, you see that Lugash kind of comes over and gingerly wraps his giant arms around you and pats you in the back of the head. Peter. Peter's inconsolable. He's just weeping into his arms right now.
Hey, oh buddy, it's okay, hey, it's hot. Hey, talk to Lugash, what happened? Yeah, no, it's fine, it's fine. It's clearly not fine. I'm just happy to be alive. He pulls up a chair and sort of nods knowingly and says. I'm kind of reaching into my bag for a mushroom cap. Easy, he says, enemy gang, find out where you live, now you have to move, is that what's going on? Oh no, actually.
What did you just eat? What did you just eat in your mouth? A vegetable.
He snags and he says, this hallucinogenic. Peter, you are on anti-psychotic medication. Yeah, I know, that's why it's totally safe to do this. Peter, I don't. I can take as much psilocybin as I want, I've got the remedy.
Peter, when is the last time you slept? I haven't really been sleeping. Yeah, I have like, right before I'm about to fall asleep, if I think of something scary or sad, I just kind of stay up and then all of a sudden, it's like 5.40 a.m. and it's like, I might as well microwave some cheese, you know?
Start my morning. Peter, I'm going to just run through a checklist real quick. Thank you, thank you.
You have not slept in a couple days. It's affecting your health. Sleep is most necessary part of recuperation. Don't take another mushroom. One, honestly, even for a good time, one is fine. You are actively doing recreational drugs, you have not slept in days, you are on anti-psychotic medication, you are also taking hormone treatment, you're taking male hormones, so this in the medical profession, we would say is a lot going on, right? I don't think that is good for you. You need to, I can't believe I'm going to say this, you need to find a way to get in touch with yourself because you are trying to medicate for a situation which medicine maybe cannot treat.
I kinda get what you're saying, yeah. Maybe therapist, that's a third one, you see, Lucas slams a meaty hand in her back and one of them sort of pops out. He looks at you and goes, look, I'm going to go and try to get a stomach pump because you're going to straight up go insane if you process those mushrooms, I'm going to be right back. All right, thank you. Lugash leaves the room. Make a perception check for me, if you'd be so kind.
Good, 17 plus, what else is perception? Oh, no, so 17.
You look up and you're just sort of being annoyed because it's like there's a drip in here, I mean, it's kind of like a dingy old building, but you should be like. You look over in the corner and you see that there is a radiator which is dripping a drop of water up and it's hitting the ceiling. Gracious. You see that a puddle slowly starts to form on the ceiling of the water dripping out of the radiator and in a reflection of that ceiling puddle, you see that there's like a little New York public health poster on the wall and the reflection of the kind of healthy sport, like sporty guy in a park turns to look at you and says, hey Pete, reflection in the ceiling goes, how's it going?
I'm real. God, it's gone. Honestly, I feel like I can be really honest with you. I miss her and I deleted her number out of my phone, but then I found it in our early Instagram exchanges and I re-added it and I've already texted her this morning. Okay, magic's real.
Everything's about to change for you. Do you think she read the text or do you think like I should? The door opens and you see Blue Gosh comes back in. Hey, where'd you go? Okay, this is not great, right?
Peter, listen, mostly what I do here is I pull bullets out of gangsters that have been shot. That's like my number one thing. In a way, I was kind of shot. I shot my ass off.
I will admit it was my first time doing top surgeries. You did a great job. I don't think you left that much stuff in there that you shouldn't have. It's a little bit bumpy on this side, but I think it's kind of cool. Well, I'm very excited to do it. You might imagine it's not a lot in my line of work. There's not a chance to prove I am a LGBT ally, so it's nice to be able to do that.
I am worried about you. You need to get rest. Okay, man, yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to heal. Be careful out there today. Oh, remember, by the way, I would say go get rest because also it's going to be a crazy day for you, right?
Because SantaCon is happening today, right? Yeah, you're right, and they're going to want a lot of cocaine. Are people still doing a lot of cocaine? Just the Santas, they're stuck in the 90s. Oh, these are mostly people from Hoboken.
Exactly, exactly. It's like 10 years in the past over on that side of the river. What are you going to do? All right, well, listen. One of my clients has just gotten into a violent car accident, so I need to go make a house call. Be safe, Peter. Yeah, thank you so much, Doctor. I'll see you. He nods. Pete! What a great dog day. Yeah! Yes, you head out.
As you can see, the yearly cluster that is SantaCon where a bunch of college kids dress up in Santa outfits and go on a crazy pub crawl and make New York virtually unlivable for a day has already kind of begun.
I imagine you just head back to your apartment at this point. Definitely, yeah, back to bed. Cool. You get back to your apartment on the train. What do you think Pete's doing on the train as he's going? It's like an above ground train a little bit getting away from there.
I'm just listening to music. Probably listening to an old Lil Wayne album.
Little text pops up on your work phone from Seven saying price of the brick went up, LOL. Okay, yeah, I say like, yeah, we'll take care of it. You arrive back at your apartment a little bit deeper into Greenpoint. Go ahead and make another perception check for me. 11.
You walk up to the apartment. You live in a spare room that is functionally a converted walk-in closet. You walk into the apartment and see Marta who is this very old like 60s, 70s Polish woman.
Got a little sort of babushka around her head and her early 20s grandson, Jagdash. He's got like a chin strap beard, very thick eyebrows. He's got like a windbreaker. He's like a sort of wannabe gangster kind of guy.
You walk into the apartment and you see that a bunch of your stuff is in boxes. Marta turns around. Okay, so I found proof. And you see she takes a weird little plastic bag that's empty. She's like, I know what this is. You deal drugs at the apartment.
What? No, no, what are you talking about? You are bad boy chick, you do this?
No, no, that is from a pen. That's dry ink from a pen. They do that now here. Dry ink from pen, you're a drug dealer, all right?
Who's school? I work at the school. What you do? You wear a cowboy hat? I work at the school.
You know, I see you eat dragon from your coat right there. That was a snack.
You are a bad influence of Jagdash. No, Jagdash, look, I work at the school, right man? You see Jagdash looks at you and goes, I taught you drug dealer. No, no, remember the point is how much not a drug dealer I am. But I'm supposed to buy drugs from you later.
No. For a party. You. We're going to club. I don't, are you hearing him say all this? She's not mad at you.
My sweet grandson, Jagdash would never, he would never do this. Look, I don't sell drugs, I promise.
I find out, I find out from this that you are bad. I know you are no good because you come in, you have the crazy hair and you have the cowboy hat. It's because of my hair. You're crazy, boy.
No. So now you're going to be out on the street. No, no, come on.
Your father is here. What? You haven't seen your father in six years or something like that. And you hear a set of footsteps walking off, walking up the stairs. What? The door opens and you see your dad, Mitch, standing in the doorway. What the?
Mitch, what are you doing here? You gonna call me Mitch? Okay. Yeah, I am.
Your dad has not seen you in so long. Had a hard time finding you. He goes, picks up one of the boxes of your stuff and just starts to carry it down the stairs. And it's like, it has a special box of yours in it that you definitely need.
Okay, hey, put that down. What is going on?
He just continues down. I follow him. He goes down the steps.
He's like, well, eventually we had to pay a private eye to track you down. How did they find me?
I don't, what? No way. What do you mean no way?
I'm too good. No one can find me.
What are you talking about? You see your dad turns around. He's not really making eye contact with you. It's like super weird and up.
Turns around and says, we knew you had to be in New York. We knew you weren't, you know, left upstate, dropped out of school. We want you to come home, okay? No.
What's so great about this place? I saw a bunch of bums driving on the way in. It's dirty as hell.
Yeah, exactly. I can't go and live on like a farm where there's like, I'm the only trans person anyone's ever met in their life. That's okay, I don't wanna talk about that.
You're doing the weird chicken dance that you do, whenever. You see, he looks at you. You start to feel something weird as like emotions kick up and you, that feeling of like going over a bump in a road really fast where your stomach starts to rise and you feel a little bit weightless is starting to happen to you a little bit. Cool. You see that he looks at you and goes, it's not a conversation. He goes to say your dead name and he goes, and a bunch of bubbles come out of his mouth and he starts looking around and just tons of bubbles start issuing out of him and they go into his clothes and around him and start lifting him up into the air as he like flails his arms and your dad is surrounded by bubbles and sails off into the sky. Yeah, I grab my box, I go back inside and try to live there. End of campaign. You take a step in and you, as you take a step in, you're feeling, you've never had a high like this before. You bump into someone and you hear them say, watching it.
You turn around and a trash can with two little eyeballs on top flaps its lid. It goes, Okay, I need to take an upper. You see that two of the other trash cans turn around and say, I don't know, are you trying to start some trouble? No. If we weren't already outside, I'd ask if you wanna go outside.
No, man, you're just a trash can. You're just a trash can and you're just a piece of shit. Kids like you move in the neighborhood, you sell drugs, you make crime happen. You're a real piece of shit, buddy.
I run. You take off down the street. You've got your box in your hand. Go ahead and make a dexterity check for me. Eight.
You go and you're running and as you look down, you're running through a little like melted area of snow and you look down and see that everything else but you has a reflection in the puddle. And at that exact second, you fall into the puddle. All of a sudden, you are standing on the other side of the puddle in a snow covered New York where snow is issuing out of the storm drains in the street and flying up into a sky full of endless stars.
This sky is more stars than it is darkness. It is nighttime here. You see that a full moon turns around to you and you see that there is a beautiful woman in the moon, incredible eyeshadow, full lips, turns and says, holy.
This is crazy. I'll say. You want to take a look around? This enormous moon beam collides with the ground at your feet and you are raised up on it and see an endless dreamscape of New York City stretching around you. A unicorn rushes past you. You see the unicorn is sparkling but you can tell it has also put glitter on itself. And it's like, oh my God, what are you doing here? Sugar, are you new to this place? Something tells me you're real as hell. Yeah. Wow, that is something else. I am loving this. When you slap yourself, you fall through the moon beam and you see that as you're falling, this insane owl pigeon monkey angel thing, like a weird, it looks like a huge like eight foot tall monkey with a pair of wings on its back and an owl's face starts flying around you and says, he's back, he's back, he's back and grabs your face and gives you a weird beaky kiss and says, I'm so happy you're here. You land on the ground and it's very like weird bouncy cloud and you see that there is a little rat with a slice of pizza strapped to its back like a hiker. And you see he goes, holy, you're here, for sure.
Where am I? I don't know, where do you wanna be?
Okay, okay, something else was in those shrooms I think. What is Peter feeling right now? Like this is crazy. I think I'm just like, where did my dad float off to? Yeah. As soon as you think of your dad, you see a little thing of bubbles with him sailing off in this dream realm and suddenly you drop through the cloud and are in inky blackness and you hear whispers all around you. He's gone, we have him now, things that are unreal, and we can make things real, unreal, whatever you want.
Do you want this power? Your med bracelet starts to glow on your hand and a little like happy face appears on it, throbbing like a button you could press. Is this DMT? I think about pressing it. It.
You hear a colossal rending and the entire darkness splits above you and the silvery stars and white clouds pour through and you can feel things screaming with joy as they escape from whatever realm this is. You see yourself being drawn into deeper darkness. You hear a voice. A single point of golden light. Bright gold burning with intensity. You start to feel your real body sweating and your heart rate picking up.
Stars. I'm leaving today. I want to. Phew, phew, phew. A rectangle of golden light in burning lines, superimposed against inky blackness forever beyond it appears before you and the burning singes your skin and your eyes. I want to be a part of it. You suddenly feel yourself dropping again and a little gray child's face with inky black eyes appears in front of you as black tears go down its gray face. What the? What are you doing to me? He says, you wanted to be a wild magic sorcerer. And looks at you and goes, it's happening. I'm so sorry. The words of Lazarus before it's too late.
Disappears, you are in an alleyway surrounded by Santa-Con people. I wish I had a girlfriend. You see that one of the Santa-Con people turns over to you and half of his face melts and he just goes, and bites the side of your head.
No, no, no, no. Great, and we're gonna move on to our next PC. Jesus Christ. What a way to stop. Oh my God. That was trippy. I'm like, there's a lot of tension being released right now. I know. Oh my God. Hell yeah. Should we take five? Jesus, I need to like splash myself with cold water. Hell yeah, we're gonna roll another little dice here.
Gray face child. A little bit of snow kicks up and goes across the harbor past the Statue of Liberty, swirling through the giant cables of the Verrazano Bridge all the way to Staten Island where we see a nice little hair salon. First class luxury beauty salon. We see that there is a woman sitting in a chair. She's got the sort of little smock over her and there is a woman styling her hair right now. Emily, could you please describe your character to us?
Okay, my name is Sofia Lee. I'm sorry, no. It is Sofia Bicicleta. I was Sofia Lee for five beautiful years, but then my husband Dale left me. So now I'm back to Sofia Bicicleta. Sofia Bites, you might hear me be called.
I suppose I can have like a bit of a hot temper. Dale really balanced me out, but now that he's gone, I'm on a little bit of a bender. But that's fine. I mean, I can keep up an active lifestyle. Similar to Pete, I haven't been sleeping because the bed I was sleeping in I once shared with my husband.
So I just don't even really like being there right now. And basically I'm in like a tight leopard print skirt, a tight pink cami, and basically I look like if Fran Drescher went on like an Amy Winehouse bender. Aw, yes. And I'm doing a pretty bad job because I'm pretty hungover. You see the woman in the chair is trying to make small talk with you. She says, and honestly, I couldn't believe it because the house is a disaster. Like they want. Really? Oh, it's awful.
They painted it this shade of like, I don't know, lime green. It looks like it's St. Patrick's Day.
I tell you, everyone on this island has too much money. They don't even know what to do with. Well, that's what I'm trying to say. It doesn't take a lot of money to be classy. I know, but everyone just gets bored. So they just, they're like, well, I can't buy a bigger house because then it'll be obvious I'm in the mob.
So I guess I'll just paint my house a new shade of lime green. I'm sorry. Oh God, Sophie, no. No, no, no, it's fine.
I really want to keep doing your hair. I gotta get a tease. Honestly, I honestly, and Sophie, I've been coming to you for my hair for three years now.
I am not trying to, you know, you've fully cut my bangs down to about a quarter of an inch there. Did you not want baby bangs?
Well, the thing is that they're like a bristle now. So it really sort of looks like I'm some kind of, I don't know.
Yeah, I know, I know. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you a discount. I am. Okay, discount. I tell you what, give me your little coupon and I'll- Oh, my punch card? Yeah, give me your punch card and I'll punch out a couple extra.
Honestly, you're a doll and honestly, it's so what happens and like God forbid anything would have happened to me and Bobby, but. Okay, I don't think you need to bring in you and Bobby just because me and Dale fell apart and we wouldn't have fallen apart if Isabella Infierno didn't come over the bridge or wherever she came from. Okay, look, I understand. Look, everyone knows she's all right. Okay, okay, I don't know that we should be putting down other women that much. She's a succubus is what she is. Witchcraft is the only thing that could have taken Dale away from me. Yes, we had our fights. Usually my fault because he was just so even-tempered. Sophie.
All he wanted to do was just watch the deer in the backyard. He just watched deer in the backyard? He loved it when we had a couple of animals that will come in and out of the backyard and he just liked watching them.
Sophie, look. He was a very calming presence. I love you to death.
Everybody in the neighborhood, when you went and married Dale, he's not from around here. People here marry people from here.
I know, and I don't want someone from here. And nobody wants to say, I told you so. Nobody wants to say that.
So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna settle up with you for the day. We're gonna stop it here. I'm gonna go look at some ads. No, I can fix the banks, I can. I just, a couple more snips and I think they'll be fixed. Okay, I'm looking at it now, and it looks like those old medieval monks. It looks like one's just shifted forward about five inches to cut off the front part. Right, okay, it's not my best work, but do you want a free man? And I understand what you're going through. If I let any more of this happen to myself, I'm accountable for it, right? I've already spoken up and I need to interject.
Do you want some pre-made sangria? I've got some in the fridge. You see a bunch of Barbicide supplies that need to be kept cold have been removed from this fridge to have a giant pitcher of sangria.
Yeah. You see she says, okay, it's 1030 in the morning. I know, I exercised some restraint at eight a.m. Okay, yeah, you know what? I'll have a little bit of saying. The door sort of jingles and your brother Mario walks in. What do you want? How's it going, self?
Jesus, what the fuck's wrong with this lady's hair? What the fuck's the problem? This looks like shit.
Oh, Mario, like you know anything about women's fashion. I happen to know a lot. Just because my fashion line went down in flames doesn't mean I don't know about fashion.
No one wants alligator skin anymore. When you say hurtful stuff like that, that's how I know you're in an emotional spot. Alligator skin has been, all right, fashion is cyclical, you fucking shtugats, all right?
Okay. I'm gonna lose my temper. Okay, okay, everyone keep it together. Here's what I wanna say. Mom would like you to come by for dinner at some point, all right? This is the fucking olive branch. I know, I know, I know. Yes, I will come by at some point. I don't know what my night is like tonight. How about this Sunday? Sunday. All right.
If I show up, am I going to be guilted for not going to church because it's Sunday? I'm gonna kill you to go to church?
I don't understand, right? It's like you marry some guy who's not from the neighborhood and then you're not going to church and you know. Don't bring him into this. You didn't know him. Look, I don't know him, but I know Isabella and Fierma, all right?
And. Oh my God. You know what?
Do you want me to start running my mouth about alligator skin again? Because I will. It is a USA business. You can farm alligator leather in the States. It is ethical and I don't understand myself to you.
We'll see you Sunday or not, all right? Jesus. You see he turns and leaves. You. Don't forget to bring the meter. You leave after your shift is done. You settle up.
It's getting to be that time of year where Christmas music is starting to be played around. God damn. It's just that time of year again.
You're feeling extremely hungover and sobriety is starting to wend its way back into the corners of your brain. Okay, well I have two options because if I don't get a drink right now I'm probably gonna go buy more Christmas presents for Dale like he's gonna come back. So I guess I'm gonna go to a bar. You head up to a bar.
Go ahead and roll a wisdom saving throw for me. Saving? 21. 21, cool.
So you get the out of here. You don't go to any of the places on Staten Island that would remind you of Dale. You don't go to any places here.
You hop on the ferry, you head into the city. Wind in my hair. You maybe pre-game on the ferry a little bit. Corona. One of those coronitas. You arrive in the city.
What kind of bar are you looking for here? Honestly, just one with as many people as possible or maybe one that a bunch of people are by themselves so I don't have to feel weird for being by myself. Cool. So you find some dingy Irish bar somewhere in the city. Old wood table. You sit at it. You start having your drinks.
Go ahead and make a constitution saving throw for me. 16. Hell yeah. You're holding your own. You're able to. You're going a nice couple rounds.
This bartender, Shaun, is looking at you. He's kind of like a scruffy bartender guy. He's late 30s.
How's it going, miss? What can I get you? Can I get a Stoli Raz with seltzer and a twist? Yeah, I can do that for you. No problem. Okay.
He goes. That's raspberry. Yeah, oh, I assumed, yeah, I assumed, yeah. You see he has, this place is close enough to the fairy that it has every flavor of Stoli. You see the Stoli Raz puts the twist in it. Seltzer puts it in front of you. He says, hey, I like that there was an angora. It's a nice little sweater you got there. Oh, thank you. Yeah, it is angora. It is authentic.
You guys got like a Kindle behind the bar or something that I could read? You wanna read an aim reader?
I don't know. I just, I just, I just don't entirely know how to interact with people right now.
You see he nods. You see that there's a couple guys at the end of the bar that got like striped shirts, very like spiky frost or not some of them frosted, but like spiky hair, through chains.
You see that one of them looks over at you and says, oh, you wanna read something? I'm trying to figure out how that could be a pickup line because it sounds like the beginning of one. Um, yes, maybe. Why don't you read my dick? Oh, okay, because I had considered maybe it was gonna go in that direction and then I thought, no, he's better than that. No, I'm not gonna read your dick. You see that one of them says like, come on. Because I don't read short stories.
Thank you, thank you. You see that everyone in the bar, everyone in the bar goes nuts for that. Cool, you are the hero of the bar at that point.
You stay there for a while. You're there, honestly, you're there for like hours.
You don't read short stories. I don't read short stories. Not at all.
After a while, I would say it's like 10, 30, 11 o'clock at night, you've been here for a couple hours. And you're having a ball, that burn was so great. The bartender's been hugging you with free drinks. Go ahead, you've been here for, I'll say like four hours.
Go ahead and give me four constitution saving throws. Okay, first two are 21 and a 12. That's cool. Then next two are nine and a 12. Nine.
I am getting drunker though. You are getting drunker, yeah, it's getting to that point.
You see you're having a ball and a huge bachelorette party comes into the bar. You see they're all going, whoa, Tina! Yeah, Tina! They get to the far, you see one of them says, the bride to be will have a slippery nipple shot! Oh my god, there's barely any alcohol in there. You see Shaun walks over to the bartender and says, hey, it's all right, this is a lot of business coming in.
Yeah, no, you're totally right, Shaun, I'm so sorry. You okay? Yeah, you know, it's just, sometimes you lose the person that balances you out and you're a bit unhinged.
Let's get you some whiskey, huh, you want a shot of whiskey? You got any of the stuff that tastes like Christmas, the like cinnamon and fire? He does that, go ahead and give me a constitution saving throw with disadvantage. Oh, I got an 18 still, but I did get a nat 20. Cool, that Christmas shot goes down real smooth, real easy, you have this Christmasy shot.
Gives me a clear head. Yeah, and you see that the maid of honor clearly raises glass and says, Tina, you are beautiful, you are wonderful, your life is all laid out ahead of you and you're building it in this moment and honestly, there is not a better guy than Richard for you, we're so happy you found the one. It is smooth sailing from here on out. But there's one last night of choppy water. I just wanna say something. Um. All the whole backdrop party turns to look at you. Sorry, can I borrow this old karaoke machine? Thanks, I mic it up. I just wanna tell you, Tina, that marriage was the best thing that ever happened to me and you have a lot to look forward to and you know, I hope he makes you a slippery nipple every night before you go to bed. I do, I really do. Start spreading the news. You see that clearly they stop you. The best arrest, all of the backdrop party comes over and is like, okay, thank you. You're welcome, you're welcome.
And you see, your vision kinda goes a little fuzzy for a second, those three guys at the end of the bar you saw earlier, you're getting a little punch drunk from the alcohol, or I guess just drunk. And you look over and you swear to God these guys are like 10 feet tall. And their skin is this like modeled green, almost like weird vegetative or something. And they have these like long noses covered in warts and they're all kinda laughing and looking at each other.
And you see that two of the bachelorette party basically are like, you wanna go outside for a cigarette? Yeah, let's go outside. And you see they walk outside. You see the three hulking people that again, your vision's kind of up, turn to follow these women outside after the bar. Oh no, I don't think so. If these are choppy waters, consider me their lifesaver. And I stomp out and I'm gonna follow them. You follow them, you see that the two women hook around into a little alleyway near this dumpster.
They're just smoking real quick. They're doing that thing where they're dressed very cute, but it's freezing outside so they're just like shivering and smoking.
And you catch the first line of one of these. Again, what is Sofia thinking as she sees these like hulking monstrous? I think she's just going through the thing where she's like, oh my God, I have been drinking so much that sometimes like I am just, I feel like I'm seeing things. The other morning I woke up in an alley and I could swear that like a giant rat man brought me like a egg sandwich and a Gatorade to like help me sober up. So like, I'm definitely killing some brain cells, but you know what? You gotta kill some to kill the ones that have the memories of Dale on them. So yeah, if this means that some men look like the creepy 10 foot tall gray skin men from now on, that's fine with me as long as I can forget Dale's aftershave. So you see that one of these hulking weird wart covered giants looks over at one of these young women and goes, hey, can I bum a cigarette from you? You guys, seems like you got a real party going on in there. And you see he puts a giant clawed hand on the small of her back. Okay, all right, that's not a part that we touch on women.
It's me, Sofia Visicletta. I was in there on the karaoke machine earlier. I'll also take a cigarette and I smush myself in between the guy.
You see that as you smush yourself in there, you see that there is something around these giant troll people that's like these wisps of almost like heat waves on a hot day or some kind of like wispy bit of like their shadow peeling off of them and these little flickers. It almost looks like a very subtle fire or a smoke or something. And as you wedge in and touch one, you see that the haze around them actually disappears. And the three of them look and see that you're looking at their eyes where their eyes actually are. And they all kind of look at each other and look back at you and you see that the two women quickly like stamp out their cigarettes and walk like sort of side away from you.
And you see that the three tall, for all intents and purposes, trolls, turn to you and say, you got a problem, lady? Yeah, I got a problem. What are you doing with those women?
Because I do not consider you the type to walk around without a cigarette. You see they look around at each other and they say, well, you know, that's on us, I guess. That cigarette tax is no joke, though. That's true. They look at you and say, well, maybe we can bum one off of you. What do you think? I actually don't smoke. You see that one of these guys rears back a clawed hand to take a swing at you.
All right, I trip him. Go ahead and. Wait, really? Yeah, go ahead, real quick, I'll make a, just make a dexterity check for me to see if you can beat him to the punch. Okay.
Got a nat one. Nat one.
Yes. I'll show mine later. This guy clocks you for 12 points of damage. And I need you to make another constitution saving throw for me. 14. Cool. Cool, go ahead and make your attacks on it. Okay. I'd like to tell him that hurt, but probably not as much as my burn earlier. And no attack him. Go for it. Does 15 hit? 15 does hit. All right. That's gonna be 10.
And then I'm gonna take my stiletto off and thwack him for another seven. And then I'm gonna spend a key point to thwack him again. Thwack him up.
This guy, bam, knocks you in the head. You come up, you're like nice hairdo is a little bit messed up. Tell me exactly what happens to this troll. All right. I would like to take off both my stilettos and just put them through his eyes. You see him go whap, into this guy's eyes. So he goes, ah, and just runs down the street bumping into shit. And the two trolls run after him going, holy shit, Venn, are you okay? Man, I have fucking shoes in my eyes.
Leave that bachelorette alone. She's got a really happy life ahead of her. Sofia, you are shoeless.
Again? You are definitely concussed. You feel yourself kind of like drop and like fall against the wall outside the bar and sort of slump down into a very soft, warm trash bag. It's nice. Oh, it feels like someone threw out a pillow. And Sofia goes to sleep. Onto our next PC. Wow. See who goes next. A bit of snow whisks off of the trash as Sofia pulls that sort of other garbage bag onto herself for warmth.
And we go all the way off across the East River into Cobble Hill, Brooklyn, where we come down and there's a little four story stone building, railroad apartments, classic New York apartment building. And we hear, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. As a raging inferno melts the snow overhead, the third and fourth story of this building are engulfed in flame.
We see out the window looking through a set of bars. There are bars to keep the window safe for kids being in that space. There is a little eight year old girl with a little bit of soot and smoke on her face. She's clutching a little teddy bear in her hand, looking at the bar and yelling down. See that there's paramedics and firefighters and cops down there saying, don't worry, little girl, we're gonna get you out of this. Stay close to the window. Keep your head down out of the smoke. You see she goes, I'm scared, I'm scared. With an eruption of force, the door of the room explodes into cinders.
Zach, could you describe your character for us? I'm Ricky Matsui. I'm a firefighter in New York, specifically in Brooklyn. I believe I'm just doing the right thing and I always wanted to be a firefighter so I accomplished that goal. So feeling really good about myself. I'm pretty much set for life, I guess. And I'm just here to help.
Ricky, you survey the area here. You see that there is a barred window. There's a little girl near these bars of the window. It's like a nursery room in here.
You see the two of your other firefighter pals have just busted down the door into a room with what looks like the girl's primary caretaker who's her grandmother. She turns around and look at you and she goes, are you a firefighter? I am.
What's Ricky do? Ricky, first Ricky's like, that's a really cool bear. What's his name? His name's Theo. All right, hold on to Theo real tight and then I'm gonna pick you up and we're all just gonna have a fun time getting out of here. An emanating warmth of, to say that it's holy often conjures connotations of like a religion but a holy light made out of just civic responsibility and a love of safety emanates from Ricky Matsui and you see that the girl wipes the tears from her eyes and says, okay, we're gonna be all right little guy, she says it to her teddy bear and runs up and leaps into your arms. What does Ricky Matsui look like by the way? Oh, Ricky Matsui is, he is like, he's like five, eight, but like really strong.
He just works out a lot, you just keep your body right to keep your mind right. It's the cheapest therapy he can have working out. He picks a girl up with just one arm and he, you know, yeah, he's like, kind of like a Superman-ish, if you were Japanese. And he's just ready to get out of there. Yeah, roll. Cheapest therapy. You rush out, as you're running, something sort of tingles in your mind in the corner of your consciousness and you can feel moments before it happened. I'll go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw for me.
13.
You see that a boom beam, a burning beam falls down behind you. You feel it about to happen before it happens. You jump, tumble, somersault with the girl holding onto her in your arms. She's holding onto her bear. There is now a burning obstacle in the way between your friends who are getting the grandmother who will maybe not be able to make it out past this beam that is now obstructing the hallway. I make sure no one's watching and then I create water on the burning beam. There is a little girl in your arms.
Oh yes, I say, look out the window real fast. She looks out the window real fast.
You channel the power within you, your fireman's ax, the questing blade at your side glows bright and a geyser blast of water erupts from your outstretched hand, coats the beam, the water corrodes it, the fire eats into it and it snaps in half and clears the hallway. Hey, something happened. What was the window like? Oh, the window? It was normal, I think normal. That's awesome. No.
You make it out of here. You can hear your firefighter brothers behind you. You make it down to the sidewalk and you emerge from the smoke and you see that there is an eruption of cheers as the grandma, the girl comes out in your arms. You see that there's a New York One van there and a New York One reporter comes up who's in the middle of the broadcast and she says, sir, sir, you've just amazingly saved a young girl's life in this burning building. Thank you, on behalf of the city, thank you so much.
Is that the last, this is the last people in the building right now and holds the? The other people have got out already? The other people got out already, yeah.
Yeah, that's pretty much it. You know, everyone at home, if you're watching this, make sure that your sprinklers are up to date, that you have fire extinguishers, that you're always taking the precautions you need to keep your home safe. We got lucky this time. Make sure that you're just keeping up with that. Am I on TV right now? Yeah, this is for New York One, so we're.
Awesome, what's up, mom, what's up, dad? Emiko, hey, what's going on? Just wanted to say, you know, holidays are a tough time for Christmas trees, you know, you wanna make sure you're safe with that? God, I'm just not used to being on TV right now. She says, oh, that's okay, I think we got what we needed. Absolutely, sorry, was that? Did you want me to keep talking?
No, you're good, you're fully good, thank you so much. You're fully good, again, heroic job. Just stand behind her. Heroic job from the New York Fire Department, FDNY, yep. Heroic job, obviously, you know, the fire has been contained, so I'm just gonna move the shot over here, move the shot over here. Follow you? No, you're good, you're fully good, sir, thank you so much.
What kind of cameras?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You reunite the little girl, the little girl looks up at you, and you see she's holding her bear as you reunite her with her grandmother. The grandmother says, thank you so much, you saved our life, you saved my little girl, you are a hero.
I mean, you know, I'm just doing. March, you're Mr. March from the fireman's calendar. Yes, I have a post for our calendar. It's made, do you want me to sign it if you want? I guess.
Oh, you see that she also says, yes, I made sure to grab it on the way out. And you see there's a singed. You grabbed it? I grabbed it, I made the firefighters go back into the kitchen.
Okay, well, just make sure to keep safe. I'm not as tan as I used to be, I gotta work on that. You see she closes and says, you're a real hunky number in here, ooh. Thank you, ma'am. Five alarms, no kidding. I just show her my afro. Did you cry a little bit? You are really a hero. Thank you, ma'am, appreciate it.
The little girl looks a little bit confused. You feel a little ping in your phone, but the girl looks up at you with a little bit of confusion as she says, she says, I looked at the window, but Theo didn't.
You made that big log stop burning, right? You know, sometimes firefighters use all their tools on their belt, and some of it is confusing to children.
You're a wizard. I'm not a wizard. Oh, it's okay. Hey, can you keep a secret? I'll keep a secret, only me and Theo will know. Okay, yeah, I kinda got some magic in me.
He goes, ah! He screams and runs around in a little circle.
Your phone pings again, and you see that it's another, you look at your phone, see that it's a couple of texts from Esther, who is the head of the Clinton Hill Chantry, and she is texting you and says, need to meet up ASAP, SantaCon today. A couple of points to cover. Would love your help if available. I send her a selfie of me with the fire. I'm like, just finishing up here on the way. How you doing? Nevermind, I'll see you in a sec. You get a couple of ellipses, and then just the word good. Cool.
How does Ricky get over to the Chantry? How far is that? It's not, from here it's not too far. The train lines aren't great going from here.
So Ricky just gets up, sprints down the street, and you get up onto the rooftops, and are just bounding over the rooftops of New York, this ax glinting in the sun. Yeah! You arrive at the Clinton Hill Chantry, which is a lovely little brown stone in a very beautiful ivy covered part of Brooklyn.
And you see that the door has this sort of gargoyle, one of those bronze knockers that has a gargoyle biting the little knocker ring on it. And do you approach the door? What do you do when you get to the door?
I address the gargoyle and say, how's it going, Frank? You know, it's been better. I gotta tell you, man, it's this time of the year, the heat and the cold, you know, the metal expands and contracts, I can feel myself mustering my fat through the wood of the doors. I bet you, man, you're looking good! I'm trying to get on that metal level, you know? Ha ha ha, good luck! Yeah, it's great, man, how's your ma?
She's good? She's good, my whole family's great.
I mean, you know, a lot of people got problems. Oh, for sure, hey, believe me, I know. For me, hey, for me, but hey, you know, hey, you gotta kind of see blessings, right?
You can move around, I'm stuck in the door, so. Do you ever want me to bring you any kind of treats or any kind of sandwiches or anything? Actually, yeah, if you're not busy right now, they're doing, you know, there's this place down the way, G&L, is they do like a chicken parm, if you wanted to grab one, I wouldn't mind that. I can bring it to you later, I kinda gotta go in there, and I'm sorry about it. I'm busy.
You know what, the door swings open, you walk in, this is one of those areas of New York where it's like, there's this like, sense of old, distinguished parlors and rooms, very sort of, you know, dusty leather-bound books everywhere, little glass case with some strange swirled staff in it, and you see that there's still some painter's tape over the glass case that your questing blade shot out of when you rescued these wizards from a fire about like 11 months ago. You see Esther walks out. Esther is a very cool young wizard in her 20s. She's got like an undercut and a little bit of hair coming over to one side. She's got like a bunch of jewelry and, you know, very like, kind of wizard chic, where it's like bangles and jewels and rings that do stuff, but then also just sort of wearing a pair of jeans and some high boots. You see Esther turns to you and says, oh Ricky, good, you made it here in record time.
Well you know, if you go over the buildings, it's a lot quicker. You know, I keep saying this, but it's awesome haircut. It's awesome. Thank you. It's so cool. Thank you very much, I appreciate it. Just like to keep it new and exciting.
So I wanna talk to you a little bit about SantaCon and what's gonna be happening today. Awesome. Have I, because you came in here about 11 months ago, so you missed the last SantaCon, right? Sure, this is my first SantaCon since I saw all the magic stuff. You see, you see that, she says, all the magic stuff. Yes, since you were inducted into the Unsleeping City by the Questing Blade and the magical world that exists behind the waking world of New York was revealed to you, this is your first SantaCon with us. Yeah. So what do you know about SantaCon already?
I guess it's just like a bunch of drunk people trying to have some fun in the streets. It's, you know, it's kinda hard to do other stuff while that's happening. It's, you know, for firefighters, where a lot of us are working that. So, you know, it's maybe not my favorite thing, but I get that people enjoy that.
For sure. Why is there being safe? That's the way to go, I guess. So what SantaCon actually is, is a little bit more complex than that. Awesome.
People perceive SantaCon to be a large, obnoxious pub crawl. You ever wondered how Santa Claus is able to get to all those homes in one night?
Well, I just assumed it's magic, but yeah. Well, magic has to work in certain ways. Magic can't just solve everything. You know, that's why we have all these books. It's actually quite complex. Magic is very hard to do.
I thought, yeah, okay, great. It doesn't solve all your problems. Oh, okay. So, first of all, Santa Claus is real. Awesome. Yes.
Second of all, in order to get to all those homes in one night, Santa can't be in all those places at once. That would take a level of magic that is honestly staggering to even consider. So instead, what happens is Santa Claus clones himself millions and millions of times, and each of those clones goes to the separate houses.
Are you with me so far? Yeah, I think I get it. What?
He clones himself a million times? Millions of times. Clones him millions of times, and those clones then go about and actually do that work for Santa Claus.
However, the technology that Santa uses is extremely potent, but... Wait, is Santa a scientist? He's a scientist? Partially, yes, but also an extremely powerful sorcerer.
Oh, okay. Effectively, if you clone yourself millions and millions of times, even with the best arcane equipment available and the best spellcasting, not every single clone is gonna turn out great. I grew up with twins, and one of them was worse than the other, so that makes sense. I hear that. I hear that, and I believe. Just like sports, you seem like a nice guy. It's a little bit dissimilar from that, I won't lie.
But effectively what happens is that a week or two before Christmas every year, Santa Claus comes to New York, and because of the Umbra Arcana, do you need a refresher on the Umbra Arcana? Do you know what to do?
I do, yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. That's okay, no, it's all right. So I run the Clinton Hill Chantry, which is a branch of the Gramercy Occult Society. Yeah. So far, right? The Gramercy Occult Society manages the Umbral Engine. Yeah. Right?
And that creates the Umbral Arcana, which is the spectral force that keeps New Yorkers from being aware that magical things are happening around them at all times. Keeps them safe from the idea of magical stuff.
Yes, precisely, that's exactly right. I can figure it out that way, yeah. That keeps them safe. It's a safety thing.
So because of that, Santa deposits his defective clones here in the city once a year. That is Santa Con. And what happens to them after they get here?
They mostly wander around. They're pretty harmless. Most of them have a hard time moving or getting around because again, they're defective clones. But basically, we just need to round them up and kind of either, you know, depending on how some people feel, you can either hold on to them and they naturally die in a couple of weeks or you can just incinerate them. But basically, that's what happens.
Is Santa good? He cares deeply for the children of the world and voluntarily clones himself millions of times. The ethics of it are alarming, I won't lie.
It's above my pay grade a little bit. It's a little bit above your pay grade.
So if you just want to sort of hit the bricks and kind of keep a patrol this evening for any of that weird stuff happening and just sort of round up any clones that you find and deposit them to us. If they're causing danger, I would say maybe dispatch them right then and there. Wow, okay, yeah. It's the right thing to do, I guess. It's the right thing to do.
Great, and that selfie was good. That was a nice selfie.
Oh, cool, thanks. I wasn't sure what you thought of it. But yeah, I can keep sending them to you, I guess. It's not really an invitation, but do what you need to do. Awesome. Cool, what does Ricky do after that? Ricky takes off to SantaCon. Cool.
You're wandering around. It's getting a little bit later in the day. You're kind of rooftop to rooftop, moving around.
You follow a weird kind of minty smell on the air and you arrive at this alleyway. You smell the mint growing stronger. As you look over the edge, you see an unconscious Pete the Plug and you see that there are three horrifying mutant Santa Clauses moving towards Pete's body on the ground. From the- You're up above them, they're in the alleyway.
Go ahead. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. I just, I just stop and jump. Hey, what are you guys doing? What? Really quit, man. Okay, guys, hold on.
Start climbing down. You safely descend. Pete, you come to, you got bitten on the head and you can only smell mint and you can feel your bones becoming sweet in your body. Ah. Ricky, you fully descend into the alleyway.
What do you say to these weird sort of mutants look like they shambled around, like surrounding you? What do you do as they kind of look a little bit menacing to you? I just, I step between them and Pete. So you guys gotta go stand over there right now. Cool, go ahead and make an Intimidate check for me real quick.
I got a 20. A 20?
You see that the one that you were speaking directly to explodes into peppermint and the other two go and they just start running away. Oh no, they're running into the street? It looks like they're running into the street.
I look at Pete and I feel like I have to check on him first. Cool, go ahead and make, I guess, a Medicine check for me.
22.
Rad, you, there is a occult sickness spreading through Pete's body. Do I know if it's a disease? You know that it's a magical disease, something that only a magical healer would be able to handle.
I couldn't use Lay on Hands for five points. It's not hit point damage, it's something else.
I can't help. Hey, sir, listen to me. I'm a New York City firefighter.
Everything got bit me. Yeah, it looks like you got a pretty nasty bite.
I pull my gun, like I'm gonna go after the two Santas. Hey, hey, sir, sir, I'm gonna ask you to put that gun down. Sir, I'm gonna need you to put the gun down.
I got all the licenses for it. I put it back in my life.
That sounds great, but you're in sort of a state right now. I'm gonna get you some help. Okay, so I know a guy who can help us.
He works at the hospital. Oh, I can't go to the hospital, man. I'm sure you really need to go to the hospital.
No, no, no. I can smell how sweet your body's turning and it's time to take care of that. Ow! And yum.
A full peppermint tooth pops one of your original teeth out and a candy cane striped tooth is just in your mouth. Oh, my tooth, I just lost the tooth.
Honestly, that's awful, let's go. Pete is having a hard time walking and Ricky, you get an arm underneath Pete.
You guys take off as you kick up, a little bit of snow wisps up into the air over the river to Manhattan and uptown, up over the park, over the Upper West Side, past Columbia University, all the way to Harlem. A beautiful, beautiful morning. It's getting a little bit late in the morning now and after having worked the graveyard shift the previous night in a lovely apartment, the sounds of the neighborhood coming to life all around him, Kingston Brown wakes up for another shift.
Luke, could you describe Kingston Brown for us? Of course. Hello, my name is Kingston Brown.
I work at St. Owen's. I'm about 6'2". I wear my grandfather's black trench coat, generally over either my nursing scrubs or like a white t-shirt. I'm New York born and bred. I've been here since 1963 when I was born. I've almost never left. I love it here at the city. These are my people. This is my space. I take care of it. I am a steward of New York City. I will be here until I die.
Ooh. Kingston, you wake up in your apartment. This place is your sanctum. What kind of stuff is around you in your apartment right now?
We got framed jerseys, of course, for my favorite hockey team, the New York Islanders. Of course. I've got framed jerseys. I've got a very nice sound system, mostly vinyl, but not like hipster vinyl, like actual vinyl. I've got, and it's like comfort over style. There's a lot of trinkets and heirlooms and things that like my grandfather or that my parents had that they've given to me or things that I've collected from friends or people who I've worked with that kind of adorn the walls. Beautiful.
You put on your coat, you look out and see a little bit of snow kick over the neighborhood and you feel the rate of your heart begin to match the rhythm of the city around you. You head downstairs. You're up on the third floor. You get into the second floor.
Your mom in like a little night cap with a little nightgown, big thick spectacles, clear frame spectacles, pops out of the door with a plate of eggs and sausage. Mom, I can't, I gotta go to work. I can't eat right now. I can't eat at breakfast. Mom, I'm a 55 year old man. I can feed myself. So you don't want my breakfast. I mean, of course I'm gonna eat your breakfast.
I'm just saying that you don't need to go through all the trouble to make it for me. It's not a trouble when you love somebody.
All right, I go inside. I take the plate inside. Take the plate inside. Your mom is glowing with just love and pride, having successfully trapped you on the staircase. There is so much more food waiting inside.
Okay, mom, I thought it was just this plate. What, no? I thought it was just this plate. Okay, where are this a little more? What do you want me to see?
Well, I can't eat all of this. I'm gonna eat what's on this plate and then I'm gonna go. Okay, you can take some with you. I can't take some with me. You can take some. I ain't gonna take some with me.
You see that she kisses you on the cheek and you can feel her old little hand with this little ring on it slip a little Tupperware into the pocket of your coat. Mom, what is this? I don't know.
I'm not supporting these habits. When you lose your business, you have a bunch of Tupperware in your coat. We're not gonna fight right now because I have to go to work. I'm gonna take this food with me but we're gonna have words later.
I hope we do. And kisses you on the cheek. And you head downstairs. You see that your niece and nephews come barreling out of the first floor apartment all late for school. You see like putting shoes and stuff on. Morning, Uncle Kingston. Good morning.
Oh man, late for school. Why y'all late for school? Well, it was your cousin Claude leans his head out and says, late for school because of video games.
What are you gonna do? How you doing, Kingston? I'm doing well, Claude. How are you? How you doing?
Another morning. You see he says, didn't you wear a graveyard last night? Of course.
You're gonna make yourself sick. Why are you doing that? I ain't gonna make myself sick.
I'm 55 years old, all right? I can take care of myself, Claude. I'll get your children to school on time. Claude is, you can feel like the spiritual energy of your cousin being put in his place. And he's like. And then I put a hand on his shoulder. I'm like, but being a father is tough and I understand that. You see that little Cooper looks up at you who's your nine year old nephew. You see he goes, Uncle Kingston, why didn't you ever have kids? Mm. I'll see y'all children later.
You head out the door. You start walking down the street. You see that from all around the neighborhood, you hear something.
Hey, Kingston Brown, how's it going, man? Hey, how you doing, Johnny? I'm doing all right.
You know, keeping out of trouble. Hey, thanks for that thing with my sister, man. You're a real swell guy. Hey, man. Fam, we take care of each other, all right? You're on the block. You come ask Kingston. You need something. I give it to you.
You see that he claps you on the shoulder. You go to the corner store. You see Cosmo's there at the register. You see he says, hey, there he is. Hey, what's going on, Cos? You see he puts the coffee in front of you.
Oh, it's the way I like it? As always. Black as hell. Just like me. You see he smiles and says, all right, man, you take it easy. Hey, thanks for that thing with my brother, by the way. That was a real thing. Hey, man, we're family, all right?
On this block, if I can help you, you come find me, I will. You take up. You walk right out into traffic.
So you, at this point, probably, the cars would never dream of hitting you here. Not in your neighborhood. Never.
You see the cars. Yeah, it's perfectly. You do not need to break your stride for the cars to effortlessly zoom past you in all directions. You get to the other side.
You walk over to the bus stop. The bus pulls in. Suzette pulls up in the bus.
You see she says, good morning, Mr. Kingston. Good morning, Suzette. Oh, it's wonderful to see you. Wonderful to see you as well. It hadn't been so long since I was on the bus ride home. I know. Well, I'm glad to see you're up in Adam again. Of course.
You, as you take your first step onto the bus, you see that with no touch of anything, the little light flicks green, your fare is taken care of by the city itself. You walk onto the bus and you start to head off towards St. Owens. Arriving at St. Owens, what are the first things that Kingston gets up to in his day? First, walk straight up to the receptionist.
Take out the Tupperware that my mother gave her and give it to her. Oh my God, I forgot to bring lunch!
I thought so. Oh my God. How do you know this stuff? Hey, what can I say? I know my people, I know my city. You see she just, this smells delicious. Well, I can't say I made it, but I can promise it's good. You see she smiles and says, I'll give you best to my mother. Of course. You begin your day, you say hi to Emiko, Matsui, she looks over and says, Kingston, there's a sort of busy day ahead of us here. Okay.
That guy, Lowell Masters, came in again. He's back with a kind of similar problem from last time. Okay, well somebody needs to talk to him. You see he hands you a chart and brings you over to a room. You see that this guy is in here. You see he's kind of a older, balding kind of guy. Sort of looks like one of these New York guys, just neighborhood guys, got a thick mustache. Looks up and you see he goes, okay, look, I'll tell you exactly what happened, right? So it's pretty standard.
So I go around, you know, because in the subways and stuff there's a lot of cool stuff down there and I found this, looks like some kind of bronze statue of a falcon or something like that. I thought I'd pawn it for a little bit of money, but what I needed to do was I needed to varnish it, right, to get some of the rust off. So I put some varnish on it and then what happened was I, you know, I was getting ready for a shower so I was naked, of course, you understand, right? And before I take a shower, I'd like to have a little bowl of cereal, just something I like to do.
Lowell, I'm gonna stop you right now. What happened is the cereal's up on a towel shelf, so there's a step ladder to get up there. Lowell, Lowell, you gotta stop coming in here, Lowell. You gotta fix your life, all right, Lowell? Because I know for a fact, Lowell, cut to the end of the story. I fell off the ladder and the statue went on my butt. Yep. Lowell, have you ever tried a therapist instead of a medical doctor? No, what happened was it was an accident and it got up there. Okay, Lowell, Lowell, this is the fourth time you've come up here with something in your butt. Let's be real right now, Lowell. Let's be real right now. Lowell, how many times have you come up here with stuff in your butt?
Four times.
We're gonna take the thing out your butt. I'm not saying I'm gonna deny you medical services. I'm just saying that you need to ask yourself some questions. Because I'll tell you, get in real close.
Ain't nothing wrong with being kinky. I'll tell you that right now. I'm not kinky, but ain't nothing wrong with being kinky, all right? So you wanna be kinky, that's fine. Just be kinky safely, all right?
You mean that? That really... 100%. Ain't nothing wrong with being a freak. You're a good man, Nurse Brown, I appreciate that. You're a good man. Of course, of course.
No, no, what were you gonna say? I just, no one's ever told me that before and I find a lot of this cool treasures and artifacts and stuff like that and I put them on my butt and I just never, I just like the feeling of it going up there, knowing that someone put a lot of time and effort into this sort of thing. Hey, hey, I get it, all right? You got some, you like artifacts or I have an artifact, fuck you or something like that. I'm not trying to get into it. That's your business.
But you just need to figure out how you can do it safely because I'll tell you, it's expensive to come to the hospital. It's expensive. Stop paying all this money.
You know, money's no object for me because I do sell these artifacts afterwards. Oh, for the money, okay. I'm sorry, what? You're selling them? No, no, no, no. I clean them, I clean them. Okay. You know what, Mr. Master?
I better have it. You better have it. I'm gonna get ready for the operation. Of course.
It's great, it actually does look like a tremendous spiritual weight has been lifted from him of a weird self-loathing is now gone. He seems rid of that peace.
You, it's a couple hours later. You're talking with a buddy of yours. This is actually one of the many trolls that populate the rivers around New York City. It's a bridge and tunnel troll, so he's the buddy of yours who works under the George Washington Bridge. You see he's going, thanks again, man, this is great. Basically, I take this and the warts will start coming back.
Exactly, and if you wanna spend some more time around water, that wouldn't be a bad idea. Okay, it's just hard. I haven't actually been in the river now, because the whole thing is it's all electronic these days. Back in the old days, trolls had to jump out and actually collect a toll or do a riddle or something, and now you just saw the easy pass and whatever else. Exactly, so wait, that just means we gotta put in that extra effort, right? But there's time in the day. There's always time in the day, you just gotta find it.
You're not wrong, man. Boom, doors swing open and Ricky Matsui comes in with Pete the Plug under his arm. Ricky! Put me down! You're gonna be okay, sir. Ricky, what's going on?
Have y'all two been jumping on buildings again? Ricky, I told you to stop jumping on buildings.
You're right, I can do it very carefully and I don't suggest many other people. I got a very sweet-smelling man here. Excuse me. I'm sorry, sweet-smelling? I don't know what you meant by that, but yeah, my tooth fell off and now it's a candy. Hey, how much is this gonna cost? All right.
Just walking through this door, I feel like I owe you 500 bucks. All right, but money is not, can I pull them into a quiet room or a room that I know? You walk over to a supply closet and through the supply closet, a door that opens only to you and the subway token around your neck glows bright when it opens and a room that you use for when people from the Unsleeping City come here opens to you. Pete, you see this weird magic door open up into this side chamber. Ricky, you've been in here before. You see your sister looks over at you as you're walking into it and says, Ricky, what are you doing here?
Oh, I gotta, my friend is Kingston and we're gonna go talk about cars. Ricky are friends. We like to bowl.
How did that door open? Oh, hey. You see that Emiko looks over and says, what door? And you look and see that the open door is covered in the same weird flickering shadow fire that I described from the guys before. And you see that Emiko cannot see the open door.
So much money now. That's crazy.
You take Pete off the top. Fantastic. I take Pete in the... The door is closed. Pete, you were in there with Kingston.
Can I cast Detect Poison and Disease? Yes, you can. You hold out your hand. You know that today is SantaCon.
Normally it's a little bit of a hassle to clean up all those clones. This is something you haven't seen before. This is a very virulent, dangerous thing. There is like some kind of arcane virus that is turning this kid's bones into peppermint.
What happened to you? How much can I tell you? Like can you turn me into the cops? What? No. What are you talking about? We're in a magic room right now. I don't know. Look man, okay fine.
I took some mushrooms. You took some mushrooms? I took more than normal and then my dad floated away on a bubble.
The man hit my face. A man hit your face? Who hit your face? He bit my face. A man bit your face? Who bit your face?
It was after I pushed a happy face button and I let it all out. You let... I'm sorry. Okay. Now I need to understand. This disease looks like you were bitten by a Santa Claus? Mm-hmm. Okay.
Is there something I can do? What can I do?
Which one I know? Because you have the spell up, so give me a medicine check with advantage because you're actively looking at it right now. Great. Okay, so that's 22. And something that's not way less than 22. Cool. You... Go ahead also and give me an arcana check. Great. 10. Okay. You ascertain what's going on. This kid has a magical disease that you think you can treat here in the room with what you've got. Okay. There is something much deeper and more profound magically happening that you don't think is an external virus. You think that there's something medical or otherwise going on with this kid, period. Great. All right. What's your name, son? Jeffrey. All right, Jeffrey. I'ma work on what is the problem right now, the thing that's got your teeth popping out. Yeah. But we should talk after that. Because there's something going on. Okay, yeah.
I only, you know, I actually have a doctor. So if you could just tell me what you were gonna do. I can pull your records.
What's your doctor's name? Ah, he's a different kind of doctor. You probably don't know him. A different, what's a different kind of doctor? He's just like, you know, he's like, he's probably not, you don't know him.
Different circles. Give it a shot. He doesn't work in a place like this, okay? He works. Give it a shot.
What's his name? Hmm? What's his name?
Doctor... Dr. Brinman. Brinman? Doctor, I look at my bracelet. What does it say?
Dr. Lugash Primitsky. It's Dr. Primitsky.
Oh, why'd you say so? Really? Of course! Oh, okay, good. Worked in a warehouse down in Brooklyn? Yes, yes, exactly.
Fantastic doctor. He built the popcorn machine. Yes, honestly, surprisingly good for working under the table like he does. That man could work in a hospital like this, walk away with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars, but he's a good man. That's so much money, man. That's a good man.
I mean, what can I say? I'm speaking hyperbole, as they say. No, he could make a lot of money. He's a good doctor. Anyway, can I set to like fixing the?
You put a syringe together. There's a lot of stuff in this room that is traditional medicine mixed with stuff that is just some like arcane tinctures, different things. There's like, you know, basilisk venom in here and like unicorn blood and all that crazy. You put a syringe together. You know, alcohol swabbed the area.
You administer it and Pete, you feel the pain stop almost immediately. And not only that, but you feel a sense of like Christmas cheer enter your body for a second and you've still got that one peppermint tooth there, but other than that, it appears like you're healed or better. And you also feel a sense of, there's a moment where after you get the shot, you two feel something.
19. Over 20. Oh, awesome.
As you are healed, you look up and you are looking at Pete and see this weird hallucinatory thing of like bright lights, big city, marquee, and like twirling gouts of like colorful magic. You look at Kingston and see a like golden light setting in between the rows of buildings and this feeling of a golden light in the heart of like a happy city full of people and neighbors all beating together in one heart. And your guys' magic touches and steams, but then unites in some kind of helix and disappears.
The hell are you? Whoa, get away from me. What did you do to me?
I don't know. I've been doing this for 30 years. I've never seen nothing like that. What's happening? I don't know. Where did you come from? I don't know.
I'm on a lot of meds right now, so maybe that was like a weird combination. Okay. Go ahead, roll actually just a history check for me. Oh, look at that. Over 20, 23. You know who can help you figure out whatever the this is. Oh, fantastic. You know, what are you doing today? You got some time? I was gonna, yeah. I got a friend who could help us understand what's going on right now.
Okay, is it that weird buff dude? No, it's not that weird buff dude, but he's probably gonna come along. He's, I don't know, what do you think of him? I feel like he would bully me. Nah, he's a nice dude. He's a nice dude. Little dumb, but very nice. He's like a golden retriever.
I like that. I haven't heard that one before. You gotta step outside, Ricky. Your sister's going, that NY1 interview. Look, a lot of my friends are single. It would be easy. Yeah, I just, you know, I appreciate that. I'm just kinda looking for someone that has like a certain, your friends are nice, but I'm just kinda focusing on my career right now. Fine, fine, fine.
You guys walk out, you see Kingston and Pete. Pete looks healthy again, and you guys take off into the snow. Bada boom, bada bam. The snow whirls out as Kingston, Ricky, and Pete all head out from there, up into the sky, settling down Central Park in the middle of one of the streets that crosses the park down through the manhole cover to water that melts into the dank, grimy, filthy subway tunnels of New York City. A couple of MTA workers, with their lanterns up, pick away at the side of the wall doing some repairs from water damage, and one of them says, I'm telling you guys, I seen it.
It was this friggin' big. It was the size of a friggin' dog, I swear to God. Shut the up, Wally, you did not see a rat the size of a dog. And I swear to God, I did, it was huge. The thing was enormous, it was like, I don't know, when he came out of there, I said, I see, he went, ah, and it looked right at me, and I swear to God, I smiled.
Um, you see, this is crazy, we was talking about rats and fat kings. Rat kings are real, you guys, you better wake up, because rat kings are real, they live in the sewers, they're all tied together, but the tale's just real.
So the guys walk away and say, Wally, you're a idiot. Walk away, Wally goes, you know, you say that now, but.
From the steel rafters overhead, hidden in darkness, is our friend, Kugrash. Murph, could you please describe Kugrash for us? Yes, hey, I'm Kugrash, I look like kind of a dump master splinter, I've got like a hooked humpback, I'm about two feet tall, I'm a rat man.
I've got like a rusty metal staff that kind of looks like a pipe, and then I wear rags made out of like discarded MTA employee clothes. And you know, I live in the subway tunnels and I take care of the discarded people of New York and the little beasts and the cockroaches. I am the, that feeds the flies, the dumpster drill.
Kugrash, you look down at Wally, who goes, okay, you guys believe what you want, but I know what I saw, hey, Wally. Who's there? Jesus. Jesus Christ.
I just make some chittering sound. You turn into a rat, it's a miracle. Wherever you are, rat Jesus, I love you. You're such a sweet man.
Kugrash, it's the day of Santa Con. You're scampering around, what are you getting up to on a day like today? I think, oh, we are absolutely, this year, we are every year, we are not prepared.
I'm trying to find like homeless people and get them indoors and things like that. You scurry around, you find a couple guys. Some of the homeless who have been around long enough actually can't see you now and know who you are. A couple of them, you show up with food for them.
You go, ah, Kugrash, thanks, pal. Yeah, a lot of this stuff has bread from restaurants. People take it in their takeout bags, they think they're gonna eat it and they don't eat the bread, but it's still good bread. I eat the real shitty stuff. You can have the good stuff, man. I appreciate that, man, it's real nice to you. It has some bread.
You're a scammer, go ahead and give me an investigate check. Ah, not great, 11. You've been looking around.
Normally, in this insane day where all these mutant Santas fill the Unsleeping City and regular humans only see it as a pub crawl, but all the magical denizens of New York know that it's this weird thing where a bunch of gross mutants kind of bumble around until they get cleaned up. You normally find a bag of hot cocoa and treats and stuff from Santa Claus that he leaves for you to distribute to homeless people and things like that.
It's getting later in the day and you haven't found it yet. And you haven't heard from him at all, which is weird. Santa, you bum, where the hell are you, dude? Where the hell is this dude?
As you're scurrying around, though, you see an unconscious Sofia passed out in some garbage a little bit covered in snow. You gotta be kidding. People just, we just walk in past this. We just see somebody passed out. She's using a trash bag as a sleeping bag.
We're just gonna, all right, everybody's walking. All right, I'll do it.
I see that she's missing her shoes. And I guess I have, I probably have a little pack of little plastic bags and things with me. So I make her some makeshift plastic bag shoes with like rubber bands.
Incredible. Sofia, you wake up with new plastic shoes and maybe a little bit of food next to you. And you see you're incredibly hungover. And you see for the first time through sober eyes Kugrash in front of you.
Oh, hey, it's you again. Oh my God, are you real? We hung, we talked about your ex-husband for like a while, Dale. I know. For like three hours, you and I hung out. I know, I have that memory. I just thought that maybe it was like too many wine coolers. You were insanely drunk. You can hold it. You were having a conversation.
I'm sorry, are you a rat? Sort of, I'm a rat man.
Is this a SantaCon outfit? Oh, you're in a SantaCon outfit.
I don't understand it thematically. Do not compare me to those. Oh, okay, someone from outside of New York comes in and everyone hates them. Is that what it is? Cause they're from New Jersey.
What happened to your face? You got punched?
Yeah, but I mean, you should see the other guys, what Dale used to say. Were they SantaCon, oh my, it's Dale again. Were they SantaCon guys? No, it was, oh, I mean, my memory's a little hazy, but it was these guys and they were kind of messing with these girls and then I, you know, I got in the way and I made sure the girls were taken care of. That's good, you know, there's not enough people like that anymore.
Yeah, and they were tall. They were really tall.
I'll leave it at that.
Kugrash, you see two little cockroaches out in this cold weather, which is crazy, skittering across a railing very, very fast. You see that they have two little like hobo sacks over their shoulder and are skittering along a railing.
Hey, Fred, Marty. Hey, what's going on, Martin? Where you guys going? We're getting the out of here.
Oh yeah, SantaCon, did you see what happened to this lady? No, not SantaCon, some just went down in the park. Some just went down at the park. Yeah, it was crazy. Well, me, what happened at the park? I don't know, there was like, what'd you call it?
It was like a horse carriage, but with no wheels. It was just like the carriage part, no wheels on it.
And there was a bunch of horses that had these big tumors coming out of their head. Reindeer, yeah, they're Santa. You've certainly, you've. What? So these horses had tumors coming out of their fucking head. It's called a reindeer. What?
Don't worry about it. I don't need to teach you about reindeer.
There was horses with big. Santa's in the park. Well, I don't know, because it was like a blast, like a green light, like that, and the horses took off.
I hope to go see a doctor, because they're fucking sick.
Is Santa dead? Did somebody shoot Santa?
I don't know, dude, I'm not religious. This, all right, thanks, thanks, friend. Thanks, Marty. Thank you, bud.
Santa Claus is real and he's dead. Okay, I'm sorry, rewind.
You just, you just made cockroach noises that you just hissed at some cockroaches who hissed back at you for what looked like a conversation. I mean, they gestured and everything. Yeah, well, we just making. We were just making bug noises for a full like minute.
Yeah, yeah, so I understand animals and they understand me. Some of them I picked up over the years. From being an animal. I am a rat, man.
We should go to the park. Santa might be dead. Ah, why not? Let me get a walk me down and we could go. You know what, why not?
I'll have some too. I can't go in there. I'm a rat.
Right, Sean, Sean? Sean literally takes the iron off. Jesus Christ, you're wearing the same clothes as last night.
Is it a different day? It's a full different day, yeah.
Give me a couple of Mike's hard. You want that in a coffee cup? Can I get one of those buckets that you put the coronas in? Full of Mike's hard? Yeah, like a pizza's bucket. I'll see if we got a box.
He goes downstairs. Minutes later, you are walking down the street with a full bucket of hard lemonade.
I crack one. I'm swinging it.
I'm Kugrash, by the way. I don't know if you remember. Kugrash, I'm Sophia Leakey. We've met. I am sorry that I don't remember you.
It's okay. But I will remember you now because I'm very sober right now. In fact, somewhat sick. Yeah, let's get a little up and go see if Santa's dead, huh? I think that sounds good.
You guys head up into the park. Each of you guys make an investigate check for me. Feel free if you wanna cast any magic as well to do that. I got a four. Nine. Four and nine. You guys wander around the park for a while.
Yeah. I lower my face and no one sees I'm a rat. I got him.
Two hot dogs.
So he goes, it's good. It's crazy because there's a, you know, I don't know if you guys heard, there's a sort of fight out in the promenade past here a little while ago. Oh yeah? Who wants to head into it? He points through some hedges sort of heading off towards Belvedere Castle where the woods get a little thicker in the park. Hey, you wanna go hiking? Let's go into the bushes. Yeah. You guys head into the bushes. Give me a nature check. Okay. A little better at that. 22. You go through the skittering thing. You see some squirrels.
Well, hey there, Kugrash. Hey, what's up? What's up, Lenny? Oh, nothing much.
Christmas time. You know it's easy to go. Yeah, Christmas. We love Christmas. Yeah, it's wonderful, man.
I stole someone's keys. You stole, what the Lenny? Who knows? You sociopath. Give me the keys. You do. Dude, you know why. You take the branches Lenny, you.
He's a cat. Squirrels just steal, put it in their trees.
I'm sorry, once again, rewind.
There was a bunch of justiculae. He said, you, he ran off. Yeah, I saw he had a set of keys on him. You guys arrive in a clearing.
You see that there is an enormous polished red sleigh. The like area where reindeer would be attached to the sleigh has been severed. And there is a giant glove box torn out of the front of the sleigh. And there are things scattered throughout. It looks like people have been like rummaging through the sleigh here.
You see that there is peppermint smelling blood, like white and red blood, spattered everywhere around here. You see that there are also a number of small little green ivy leaves. With that 22 nature check, these leaves are not from the waking world. These are from Nod, the sixth bruv. These are, and in fact with 22, you smell them. This is fairy magic that happened here. Maybe not the peppermint blood, but there's fairy magic happening here.
Oh, it is the pixies. What, I thought this was just a place kids take pictures with Santa. Do you see what, they mugged Santa. They stole all of his shit. Okay, again, Santa's real and you're a rat. The pixies did this. The sons of, they're serious, this is bad. Santa is, we are.
I'm just going with this ride. All right, yeah.
You notice that there is a little glyph carved into the wood at the front of the sleigh. It looks like it was broken somehow. It's some fairy shit that you don't know about, but you do know who does. I think I know somebody who might be able to read this bullshit, whatever the fuck this is.
Yeah, this isn't Greek or anything like that. Oh, you speak Greek. No, but I mean, I'm Catholic, so I've encountered like Greek in a religious sense.
Oh, that's good. Yeah. Hell yeah.
So you take off from there. Yeah, I'll take off for her. You guys both head out from there. No need to roll.
The snow kicks up from the park and whisps all the way downtown past Columbus Circle going all the way to Broadway where we see a line of fans clamoring and cheering, holding their playbills from different shows because they're in line for a show that actually hasn't opened yet. They were lucky enough to see some previews for Midsummer Nights, a musical version of Shakespeare's classic, A Midsummer Night's Dream. Why not take the bards' original plays and make them a musical? The Times Square billboards show all of the signs for the show coming up. The fans are all in the cold in the snow waiting. The stage door opens with a dramatic swing.
And Shavon, could you please describe your character for us? Darling sweeties, I'm Misty Moore. I'm a Broadway diva, lover of music, lover of energy, lover of dance and light and stars and music and brilliance. Well, a lady would never say her age, so I won't. I'm four foot something, maybe five one in a beautiful high heel, always wear a tap shoe even outside and I'm just loving life, loving love.
You step out, the crowd erupts into tears. Your assistant Alyssa and your pianist Benjamin are behind you, they walk out. You see that there's a girl with pigtails and braces, clearly some like 16 year old Midwestern girl. She goes, oh my god, Misty Moore, this is a poster original cast recording company.
Oh my goodness, I haven't seen one of these in years. I mean, obviously I have the one in my apartment which is signed by all of the cast, but this, a blank one. Oh, I haven't seen one in years.
Oh my goodness, it is incredible. We just saw this show, we were lucky enough to go see it. You were amazing. Oh, I'm so glad, I'm so glad, I'm so blessed and honored to do this work, you know, for people like you, I don't do it for me, I do it for people like you. As you say that, you see that her and the other young girls and boys around her all just like salivating, you see that they all say like, my favorite song of yours, I actually did one of your songs and I did it in the way that you did it in the high school play that I did. I'm so, a burgeoning sweet silvery golden pink and purple light begins to come off of them and though they cannot see it, you certainly can up into your nostrils and you feel like a million bucks. You know, as actors, all of us, us actors, we're just like, you put us in the word we with yourself. Ah! They just go nuts. You see Alyssa bends over as you're signing stuff and you see she says, obviously, of course, take as much time as you need, Ms. Moore, but we do have an appointment, there's an interview happening back at your penthouse.
How do you spell Rebecca, darling? I don't wanna spell it wrong. Oh my God, you know what, R-E-B-E-C-E-A, but some people call me Becca, but you call me Rebecca, I wish to do things better, I don't know for stage name, I haven't signed up for that yet, I really wanna move to New York, do you think that's a bad idea?
Everybody should move to New York. But you know, some people should leave.
But you don't know until you get here, darling. I can't wait to come here! And again, you just see these little silvery sparks come off of them and you feel amazing. You leave from this place, you head back to your wonderful penthouse.
I pour myself a vodka on the rocks. You see Benjamin looks over at you and says, really, you asked how to spell Rebecca? How many times did you spell Rebecca in your life?
I don't know, some people are weird and there's an H in there, I don't know. I guess you're right. You walk into your penthouse, huge entire walls are just glass windows, central park south, looking out over the park.
Alyssa comes over and brings a reporter in from some entertainment magazine. I, Ms. Moore, I'll be doing the interview with you today.
So, a pleasure to meet you. Talk to me about working with Perry Lefebvre again. Perry, my darling Perry, it's such an honor, it's been such a time since we've worked together and he's such a beautiful director, you know? Just a beautiful man.
And we sit and we really dig into this work, we dig into it together and we're really creating this character because obviously we all know the Shakespeare in Summer Night's Dream, you know? It's for so many people the first Shakespeare that anybody does, but we're really trying to take a new twist on it, really new bent on this character of Titania. Writing all this down, and you're gonna be playing Titania. Yes, I am Titania, Queen of the Fairies, who obviously in the original play has a smaller role, but I really feel like we've beefed it up.
And you know, I'm not a young woman anymore, but I really feel like I can hold myself on that stage and well, I don't wanna spoil it too much for the fans, but I think they're in for a surprise. As you say that, you are no longer a young woman, you look down at your hand and you do in fact see some liver spots, some light things here, and you can feel something twinge inside you. It's been, you know, maybe 40 or 50 years since the last time you did it, and you can feel this body starting to tell you that the time is fast approaching.
But that's so weird! Yeah! You continue talking to this interview, you're having your lovely little vodka, it's wonderful, and the preview went smashingly. You suddenly hear a noise coming from the boiler, you have one of those things where you have like your own heating and everything, so you don't have to do it with anyone else, but a little hall closet door opens up and an air vent kind of pops out.
Kugrash and Sofia. Oh my God, you are a trip to hang out with, Kugrash.
This is the real New York, I agree. I'm loving it, this is where I belong.
So anyway, I'm so terribly sorry, but I do have a show at eight. Alyssa! Oh, sorry, I'm coming right now, I'm so sorry.
I will not, that will not happen again. Yes, no, it won't.
You see that she, she comes over and says, that's all, Miss Moore needs her vocal rest, thank you so much, bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye. She ushers him out, you turn around, your beautiful cream white carpets are bedecked with filth as Kugrash walks in with Sofia. Oh my God, Kug, is that Misty Moore? Yeah, it's Misty. Hey, Misty, it's good to see you again.
I saw you in Kinky Boots. You did. Oh my God. Oh, what a beautiful show. You radiated, you made that show. Oh, thank you so much. It's such a beautiful story, you know, it's so important. The boots. Oh, I love those boots.
So kinky. They're so kinky.
Hey, Misty, we think Santa might be dead. Do you know what this weird pixie is?
And I guess, could I have like take, was it like on the sleigh? It was, but you could have like made, it was on the glove compartment door, you could have broken it off. Okay. It has saliva all over it, I ripped it out with my mouth. Oh, yeah, why don't you put it down on the coffee table right here?
Yes, the pixies, the park pixies, Don Confetti and all of his people. Yes, I think we found.
I hate that little man.
Can I read it? What do I read? You can absolutely read it.
Let me know if you're doing any magic or stuff to it, or you can go ahead and make either an arcana check. I mean, if it's Sealy, I speak Sealy. Yeah, it is Sealy. Great, then I can just read it. I can also do an arcana check, but my arcana levels. Darling, I don't study magic, I just am magic.
You look at it, you recognize one element of this which is immediately troubling to you. This is a clear fey rune. All it is about basically is about breaking a ward on something, breaking magical wards, which would make sense, because Santa's sleigh would be warded beyond imagination. The thing that gave this the juice to work, though, because normally a fairy, especially some pixies, would not be able to crack into Santa's sleigh. There's something being invoked here, and hidden within the rune, you recognize something. You don't know what it is or can't read it. It's an infernal rune.
You... Well, there's something pretty nasty. Do you know all of that religion? It's one of those religious ones. Sure. You know what, it's written in Sealy, but this is some dark, nasty stuff, just like... Some like devil. Yeah, infernal, nasty, hell plane. Misty, you look at the rune again. You don't read infernal, but you do know who does.
I think I know who can help us out with this nasty little situation. Maybe I'll put you in a blanket and carry you over the waste of time.
Sure, yeah, I jump into her arms. Okay, this is okay. It's like a baby peon. It's Mew Mew, it's not Prada, it's Mew Mew, it's not Prada. I'm just going through your drawers. God, this place is so nice. Incredible.
You guys take off. Snow kicks off from Natural Park West. We follow the snow through the air as it wends its way. Two gusts of snow as Ricky, Kingston, and Pete, and Sofia, Misty, and Kugrash converge on the steps of the public library by Bryant Park. You guys, snow everywhere, taxis, busy dates, getting into the mid-afternoon, and you guys spot each other in these two groups of three.
Kingston! Kingston, how's it going?
Misty, Kugrash, what's going on, guys? I'm so sorry, are you Mr. March? Oh yes, that's me. Oh my god, the girls at the beauty salon are gonna flip. Can I take a selfie with you? Yeah, of course. Also guys, this is Jeffrey, Jeffrey, this is Jeffrey. Hey, what's up? Nice to meet you, I'm Kugrash. Oh my god.
Are you a rat? I'm a rat man, yeah. I'm sorry if that was rude.
You, Pete, the mushrooms are done. You're fully sober, you know that you're sober. You know that you're sober.
The degree to which this is all like a fun little trip is fully leaving you, especially after whatever that shot Kingston gave you was, and suddenly you hear a booming voice to your right go, well, well, well, would you wish to enter? One of the huge stone lions turns and is speaking directly at you guys. You hear a voice to your left, I think they do wish to enter.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hello, good to see you again. Hey.
If you're gonna ask us which one of you lies and which one of you tells the truth, we can skip it, we know. Both of us always lie.
Yes, we know, that's the trick. We're not trying to play these games, boys. Oh, let's play some games. We guard the library. We are the guardians of the Gramercy and Cult Society.
Hello, ooh, a new face. Hello, I am Orlando, and this is my boyfriend, Rovius. Okay, look, you guys, this was really nice, but I don't, I don't really have time for like a puzzle room kind of thing. I do, I love this. All right. I'm not very good at them, but I can definitely try my hardest, guys. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
You guys see that the two stone lions sort of laugh and are joking with you guys a bit. And they go, well, what business brings you here to the Gramercy and Cult Society? We need to talk to Alejandro. Very well, then talk to him, you shall. Let none bore the entry of these companions! And you see that a secret stone door opens at a diagonal in the steps of the library going down.
Can I just say, you've been working on your voices and you sound great. You know, that vocal coach came by, we got, thank you. It's really impressive since the last time we spoke, it's great.
It's hard because our diaphragms are made of stone!
What did you used to sound like? Used to sound like this.
Awesome. Santa Claus is dead, everyone. Let's go. Oh, well, okay, let's go.
You guys walk down into the Gramercy and Cult Society, the New York Public Library. You go down the steps and the steps immediately, like M.C. Escher, so that you're sideways, upside down, going through other doors, and you arrive in an upside down library where the gravity's been reversed, so you know that your heads are pointed away from the sky but it looks totally normal to you. Huge, tall libraries everywhere, covered in books, and you see that a very old, extremely rotund man walks out.
He's got a big white mustache, a little flat cap, and comes out to talk to you guys. He has the warmest eyes, just looks like an extremely gregarious guy, but he's definitely well into his 90s. You see that this is your friend Alejandro. Alejandro, what's going on, man?
Oh, Kingston Brown, it is so good to see you again, my friend. Good to see you as well.
Hey, well we have a situation. My man over here, Jeffrey, got some kind of Santa disease. I don't know, what are y'all here for? Oh, well, hmm. Yes, we found Santa's sleigh abandoned, reindeer's gone. What?
Some sort of attack from the pixies. I found some little pixie mint stuff.
Yeah, Santa's real, you know that. Oh, Santa's real.
Is he, how many people here are new? Who's new? Jeffrey, I think is pretty, his name's Peter, I think.
What? What, did you check my bracelet when I was out, man? Yeah.
It was dangling in my face while I was running. You run so fast.
It said something infernal on it. Alejandro looks at you and says, wait a minute, you are being serious. Santa Claus is missing right now. Yeah, and somebody left behind some kind of infernal room. Yeah, I couldn't read it. It's all infernal to me. He says, we've been getting some strange reports, hold on.
He touches a bookcase, and a shimmering thing of light appears over it, and you see that there are two twin young women. Look at about 17 years old. They are clearly Alejandro's granddaughters. You might recognize them, but you see he says, Ana, Amelia, what is wrong? Because they are clearly injured. You see that the two of them say, Grandpa, we're out here fighting.
Something's wrong. These Santa-Con clones, they're not like normal. They're really dangerous. A bunch of them are coming. We think they're coming from Times Square. Ugh.
Okay, this is the first thing I think I can do to help. I know how to fight. All right, well. I don't know what the else is going on, but I can fight.
Alejandro looks and says, Ana, Amelia, get to safety right now. Hold on. And you see that all of these little running trains, like subway cars of light appear and draw this insane subway map rune in front of Alejandro. And he pushes it past you and it scans you. And he grabs the light, condenses it in his hand and says, I'm going to see what is going on.
If my granddaughters are in trouble, that means that things are getting very bad indeed. They are very proficient wizards, all right? Wizards.
I've been holding my gun this whole time, but incognito. Well, you think I don't know that you're trapped?
Give it a shot, see what happens. Why don't you give it a shot?
I'm gonna ask you this. Just fully don't. Please do it, I love it when people do this. Go ahead, oh, I love it. Hey, Peter, put the gun down.
Is this a joke, though? What were you guys working for? Oh, no, he didn't do it. You see, a little shield appears in front of him and says, you think I'm going to walk around? I've been a wizard in New York City for, what, 65 years? You think a bullet is going to do the trick?
Listen, you have been awakened into the Unsleeping City. There is a world behind the world. New York is a place of magic. In this realm, the city that never sleeps, the dream world and the waking world commingle, intertwine, and in certain places become one. I do not know why it has happened. We will find out in due time, but you are now here in the Unsleeping City with all of us.
Magic is real, and you better look at your, because there is going to be a real bad look. You see, he says, I will study this.
Make your way to Times Square as soon as you can. And he turns around and disappears. I just start running to, let's go, guys. I feel like there's a faster way for us to get there. Yeah, we don't need to run. Just chase Mr. March. You guys head off. You walk out, Kingston.
You look out, and you see your bus pulls up. Fantastic. You see Suzette opens it and says, Kingston, you're downtown now. Yeah, we need to get to Times Square, pronto. You see, she looks, and for a second, she looks like, no way is that on my route. But she says, oh, I got mixed up, I'm on the wrong route. That's right, Times Square, next stop, Times Square, bing, bing. And a traffic-less street opens up as Kingston gets on the bus. You guys take off. As you pull into Times Square, you see that Times Square is empty. Ooh.
Covered in snow and ice. This is like The Walking Dead. In the center is an enormous icy cocoon, a chrysalis of ice. And you look and see swarming Santa-Con clones.
Ho, ho, ho. The bus pulls away, and I'm gonna need all of you to roll initiative. That's all for this episode of the Unsleeping City. Tune in next week, and we'll catch you guys then. Forget about it. Ha, ha, dice. Guys, that's all for this chapter of Dimension 20. But wait, more full episodes call out to you from the realms beyond dropout.tv. Will you come to their aid and sign up for your free trial today? We wish you a Merry Christmas. Oh, even in these times you've wanted. Ah, it's crushing me! |
dropout | sexually_enlightened_r_b_song | Girl, I'm gonna do you right I'm gonna do you right tonight I won't be like those other guys Other guys, I'm gonna do you really right I'ma push you up against the wall and take you Or you can take me whichever you prefer Sex is a conversation, not a lecture And I wanna get freaky, but on your terms Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I'll go down on you You go down on me We can do each other with reciprocity Swear we won't be done just because I've come Washed through the length of sexy pen to my orgasm Damn, you really do it like a pro But your experience don't make you alone In my opinion, your sexual liberation Is healthy and normal and makes you human I don't care if you don't shave your body hair I mean, I have my preferences but that's not really fair I realize that those are culturally imposed By magazines, movies, and milk, hair to pornos Girl, I didn't know you're on the bill Taking control of your body, I admire that for real I wish that I could share responsibility for that But until the infant male birth control, let me pay for hand I'll never slut shame, snack shame, five snark, or man's plane I won't tell you how to run the womens with a rudder Or try to be an ally in whatever way I can And when I put a ring, I also put a ring on my finger Cause you're not a piece of property for me to claim And you bet I'm gonna insist that you keep your last name Keep your last name, girl Whatever it is, keep it Girl, I'm gonna do you right I'm gonna do you right tonight I won't be like those other guys I'm gonna teach you really actually Sociopolitically right But you know, I could always do better So let me know, this is a dialogue Constructive criticism is appreciated Here to subscribe or click me to see what I look like without Photoshop Just kidding, it's the same I woke up like this Also, I'm wearing makeup and a push-up bra and a wig |
dropout | the_real_reason_jaywalking_is_a_crime_adam_ruins_everything | Here's the story of how the car took over the American Street. A century ago, the City Street was a public place that was open to everyone. It was shared by pedestrians, horses, and weird old-timey bicyclists alike. Not to mention street cars that took people to work. No, Teddy, you have a fun day at the sweatshop, and remember, always walk in the street. It belongs to all of us. But when the car was invented, people started driving them at top speed through the crowded streets, and the results weren't pretty.
My boy! He's dead!
Oh, dear. So that's what happens when one's motor car strikes a peasant. Naturally, everyone blamed the new invention for the carnage. Seventh kid mashed by a metal death machine this week. Hmm, maybe these things shouldn't be allowed. Public outcry grew. Extra, extra. Innocent boy killed by automobile. And some cities even discussed passing laws against them. Many propose that the streets not be filled with these high-speed, two-ton metal projectiles.
They're killing us out there. Well, technically we're killing them, Bill. Good point. We gotta fight this thing.
I got it. We'll tell them the streets are for cars only. And if a car kills you, it's your own fault. I will give the folks that walk in the street a really humiliating nickname. What about Irish walkers? That's pretty cruel, but we can do better. I got it. Jaywalk. Oh, you disgust me. And I love it.
It doesn't mean much to us now, but back then, Jay was a really offensive slur. It basically meant dirty hillbilly, which makes this really messed up. Like what if today we called them fuck walkers, or fuck walkers, or even fuck walkers.
Hey man, come on, there's a kid on set. Yikes, sorry. To publicize their new insult, the auto industry actually planted stories in newspapers, explaining pedestrians for automobile damage. Extra action. Lame-brained Jaywalker slings himself before a noble automobile. My boy? A Jay?
Serves him right, I say. I hate those good-for-nothing Js. So do we all, sir. Me too. I hope my stupid Jay sun rots in hell.
Today, jaywalking is a crime. And in fact, most of our modern traffic safety culture descends from this kind of blame-shifting propaganda. Think about it. A group of private businessmen coined an offensive slur to promote their product, and it works so well that today it's a legal term. That's like if the trashcan industry convinced us all to call littering fuck droppin'.
Seriously dude, do you even think before you speak? No, funny. I don't.
As a result of this campaign, the street went from being a public place where everyone was welcome to a terrifying off-limits death trap. Stay back, Ethel. The streets belong to the machines now. Thank you for granting us passage, Metal Majesty.
Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you liked that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Readings Everything, Tuesdays at 10pm on TruTV. It's gonna ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. |
dropout | butcher_the_national_anthem_for_2_000 | 🎵 Would you do something for me? Would you sing a little bit? Just any song you want? Sing just a little bit right now. Okay, I can't, I can't sing.
What? For this challenge, you will be singing the national anthem at a minor league baseball game in the Inland Empire. How are you feeling, really? I am, I am really close. I, for some reason, learned this song with, and the donderly light, cause I think it was just like- What does that mean? Medic? It's not a word. Mm. 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Yes.
Thanks a lot. Thanks so much. We appreciate it.
Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. Hey, hey. Oh, cool. What's up?
I have to, like, the poops. Like, I have to poop. I'm very afraid.
And now, let's get ready for baseball! Give me the ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I'm one of the 7th most famous guys in the United States. Okay. And do I say anything before I start? Ladies and gentlemen, now, this time, we ask that you all please rise and remove your caps for the singing of our national anthem. Singing the next national anthem is Menifee's very own Allie Beardsley. Whoo!
Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's early light what so proudly we hailed by the twilight's last gleaming whose bright stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight o'er the ramparts we fought were so gallantly streaming? And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh, say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
Play ball! Thank you, man. Thanks. That was so bad. Thank you. Bright stripes and bright stars. Thank you.
I got this very distinct vibe from the crowd that they thought I was much younger than I am. I'm getting the kind of sympathy, good jobs that you would only give to a child.
Hey, what's up, guys? How you feeling? Yeah, did I? How you feeling? I'm feeling dumb.
I feel like you can get away okay with not hitting some of the notes. I feel like you got to get the words right. I got all the words right. Oh, no. I got every word right. Bright stripes and bright stars. I said that on purpose.
Multiple people in the audience looked at me in the eye afterwards and said, good job. The mascot hugged me and said, good job, buddy. Yeah. The mascot thought you needed a hug.
Was there a moment where you went, uh-oh? Trap. The minute one. Minute one. My voice came out of my mouth. I was like, oh. And I was like, dude, what? Do I? Everyone felt so bad for you. I think so.
It's gorgeous out today, though. It is a beautiful night. It smells like popcorn. It's a perfect weather.
Truly, you ruined a perfect day of baseball. How dare you?
Thank you for watching that free clip of Total Forgiveness. If you liked that, check out Dropout to see the full 22-minute episode. Yeah, that's right. Head over to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. You might even see Grant do this. We're going to make you extend an invite to your entire family to come and stay with you in your one-bedroom apartment. |
SaturdayNightLive | tim_curry_monologue_saturday_night_live | I'm Tim Curry. Whoa! Hello, Mr. Curry! uh, yes? yeah, I'll be sweeping up there. you're feasting the way I'd appreciate if you moved up. Oh, uh, certainly. I'm sorry. boy, they sure be making a big mess of this show. I'll tell you a lot of money. Um, Eddie? yes, Mr. Curry? uh, White, did you always sweep up around here? Oh, Lord almighty no, Mr. Curry. sometimes I be cleaning out the dressing room. and sometimes I be fishing clothes for the audience and whatnot.
And the people in the team, too, that we do things. And I carry things for Mr. Miss Rose and Mr. Katerinsky. lots of stuff I do right now. I got to do Mr. Piscopo's shoes down here. But, Eddie, you're an actor on this show. why are you doing all this work?
Well, Mr. Curry, there's not much for old Black Buck like me to do on this show sometimes. they tell me, I can't do no political sketches, because there ain't no black politicians. And I can't do no man-woman sketches, Lord knows that. And I can't do no sketches with no family, because everybody knows I ain't nobody's family on this show.
So I ask them, what can I do? and they say, well, Eddie, you can go fetch the brew. but that's terrible. Oh, it ain't so bad, Mr. Curry. I'll tell you one thing, though. I'd hate to have to clean up after one of them rockin'' horror picture shows. I tell you, you people go crazy. you throw bread and leave wet drawers all over the movie. I'll have to discuss it. No, no, no. I mean, it's terrible that they make you do all this manual labor. I mean, it's ridiculous. you're a talented performer. there's plenty you could do. you think so? of course. could you help me, Mr. Curry?
Sure. And you don't have to call me Mr. Curry. Well, thank you. you can just call me Musa Tim. Thanks, Musa Tim.
You see, believe it or not, Eddie, I had problems with typecasting myself. all performers do. After I did Rocky Horror, which was one part in drag, you know what I was offered? the Brooke Shields part in Blue Lagoon. No. yes. But I fought it. And I ended up playing a wonderful role on Broadway.
And do you know what the secret is? What's that, Musa Tim? Image. I didn't want to be thought of as strictly a drag character, so I never appeared in public in address. you don't want to be thought of as just strictly a black character, so you also must never appear in public. you know, that way. What way is that, Master Curry?
Well, here. this is just the beginning. Now, we've got to do something about your name, too. let's.
How about Richard V. Winthrop? Richard V. Winthrop!
No, no, no, no. Now, we've got to do something about your voice. Oh, sorry, Master Tim. how's this? Hi, my name's Richard V. Winthrop. damn nice to know you. that's wonderful. say something else. Oh, the wife and kids and I are thinking about going up to Connecticut for the weekend. that's great. you're going to get all the pots you can handle. Thanks a hell of a lot, Tim, old buddy. don't mention it. if there's anything I can do, just ask.
Well, actually, Tim, my dressing room's a tad on the messy side, and they shoot right in there. But you go and take care of this for me. I sure care, Master Eddie. I'm into the house. I really look like a white person now. we'll be right back right after this message, huh? |
TheOnion | Study_Exposes_Risks_Of_Conducting_Research_While_Driving | A 62-year-old with a gun is the only one standing between the nation and a full-scale government takeover. A new study exposes the dangers of conducting research while driving, and Michelle Obama is not so keen on the president's new bangs. And now for a web video you certainly don't deserve but will get anyway, this is The Onion Week in Review. On Wednesday, the Israeli elections resulted in a sweeping Palestinian defeat. Making just the latest in over 60 years of election losses for the Palestinians, the 2013 poll results once again put widespread political control into the hands of the Israeli leaders for at least the next four years.
NASA scientists announced Tuesday their continuing search for a planet capable of supporting NASA. Officials for the Space Research Agency told reporters that their objective was to find a planet capable not only of generating a steady stream of financing, but also of nurturing life forms with even some vague idea of the importance of astronomical exploration. Ultimately this would need to be a planet with organisms that have a genuine interest in expanding the limits of their knowledge. Well we did locate a planet approximately 60 light years away that we felt could provide an adequate level of funding for our research, but our analysis showed that the air was in fact toxic and would kill every NASA employee in well under 30 seconds.
The USDA unveiled their updated roommate food pyramid this week, which includes four servings of someone else's grains and cereals per day. Saying the new guidelines better represent the dietary needs of the average roommate, officials told reporters many aspects of the new pyramid are unchanged from the previous version, including a recommended daily intake of five to seven weekly finger scoops of Erika's peanut butter. Remember to limit your intake of sugar and sweets from half-open containers, especially if they're Jessica's, because she'll definitely notice. Frustrated students from Chicago's inner city announced Thursday they were running out of ideas to motivate their underperforming teachers. Telling reporters that they had tried everything they could think of to inspire their struggling educators, aggravated students traced their teachers' poor performances to numerous challenges they face outside the classroom, such as troubled home lives and even some drug and alcohol dependency issues. Connecting with the teachers gets harder and harder every year. We all come in every morning eager to learn, but most of the teachers just seem completely uninterested in education. The system is really stacked against these teachers. Not only is the school expecting them to fail, but in a lot of cases, their own families are too. It just makes you feel so helpless. In other news, a copy of The Scarlet Letter can't believe the notes a high schooler is writing in its margins, Prince Harry announces he killed some Taliban-looking people during his tour of duty, and a 22-year-old gets a job at a website. A collectible signed copy of every single frame of this week's video is now available for purchase in The Onion store. For more news, visit TheOnion.com. |
cracked | the_terrible_trend_emerging_on_youtube | Hey guys, right now we're gonna do a Twitter question. Hey, how's it going? Pretty good, you know, thanks for watching guys. I'll see you next time Hey guys, thanks for watching my show the show blog I'm gonna subscribe to subscribe to my channel because maybe you didn't know that you could do that Hit the thumbs up button or thumbs ups that there are then thumbs down means that more people liked it then didn't like it So let's just make sure the thumbs reflect that and hey leave a comment below Tell me your favorite part ask me a question Maybe I'll answer it the next time on my video show blog But mostly just hit the subscribe button to subscribe. It's for subscribing Click here and get to see some really funny oopsie goofs. Hey guys. Thanks for Hey guys, welcome to the show, yeah, okay But once you've subscribed and thumbs up cuz don't forget to do that Make sure to also click here for some behind the scenes stuff Hey guys, I'm doing some behind the scenes stuff for you to help you out, you know with your video show blogs So do that hit record and that's how you do it. Thanks guys Hey guys, thanks for watching the behind the scenes and make sure to click here for some other stuff my wacky characters other wacky video Vlogs and some wacky more serious stuff that you might like and this one I do reviews were like I watch other YouTube videos. I think that's it Subscribe. Yeah Yeah, thanks for watching guys. Bye guys Hey guys Hey guys Thanks for watching the video and with no trace of irony I beg you to subscribe to the crack YouTube channel and this fella the video and all our other videos Yeah |
cracked | matt_rife_s_secret_new_movie | Private investigator Mort Madison, aka Matt Rife, has seen better days according to the official synopsis of The Private Eye, a mystery romantic comedy that I'm guessing Rife doesn't want you to see. Despite the official trailer dropping this past week, there's no whisper of it on Rife's social media accounts.
Take a look and you can probably guess why. I wanted to make love. Have you been tested recently?
A lot of Matt Rife and fedora action! Rife kisses his co-star for nearly 30 seconds of a two-minute trailer. This is an uncomfortably long time to watch people mash faces. The movie's official Instagram account was posting posters and production stills back in 2020, so this bad boy has been sitting on the shelf for a minute. It seems now that Rife is a household name, even if it's not for all the right reasons. Director Jack Cook must believe that this is the right time to share the movie with the world. Private Eye will hit about 100 theaters in February, far less than the typical 600 plus for a wide release, but still.
Yeah, Jack is a super fan. He's like a mix between Brad Pitt and Adam Sandler. You can't get that combination every day. |
dropout | collegehumor_s_favorite_classic_videos | My favorite CH original from way back in the day has got to be Rap Battle. The focal point of the sketch is a bunch of guys from Freestyle Love Supreme. I was in college at the time, this is a long time ago, and I would just go home and get in my head and I'd watch it every time. I must have watched that sketch, I don't know, a hundred times, right?
What is it? Lin-Manuel?
Alright, bitch, it's time to take it down, it's time to beat down Encyclopedia Brown. I don't want to piss on every superficial issue with you and rip you a pearl of tissue on me and it's easy to diss you.
That's great. Uh, that's just good rap. Obviously, hats off to Hamilton, you know, it had its moment. I personally feel that Lin-Manuel's finest work was in Rap Battle.
Yeah, you can't hack this, you're the wackness, it's Mo Rockover's at Galifianakis, that's right, leave your head spinning like a dreidel, knock your socks off and the locks off your bagel, that's right, see I'm winning, your face looks like mayonnaise, that's grinning, you're lucky you're wearing stripes that thinning, this ain't the end, it's the beginning, don't eat so much. Yeah, you just got burned, I think, that's how it, yes. Scorched.
You can't just have someone else do you Freestyle for you. As long as he works for us, right, and UTK was an intern I hired this morning, he just also happens to be part of this like rap improv group called Freestyle Love Supreme, but I didn't know that when I hired him. Oh, okay, yeah, you found that out later, okay, well maybe two of my interns can come battle you. No, I mean, yeah, I guess as long as they- Hey, hey, what's up dawg, I think I had- I told you not to bring friends here, that was like the one thing I remember. Yo, this is Lin, Shockwave, my interns.
Hey, aren't you that guy from that like three time Tony Award winning Broadway musical in the hype? Yeah, well we have four Tonys, but yeah. I am such a huge, huge fan.
Alright, bitch. Let's take him down to Chinatown. It's time to beat down Encyclopedia Browns. Now, I don't want to piss on every superficial issue with you and rip you apart like tissue. It's easy to diss you.
Your father's a highly accomplished guy in a college just from a family of doctors, so it's obvious the problem is that you went into comedy. So now your mama thinks you're just a waste of space, you fucking stylistic pile of shit. She calls for songs under what you're gonna be. Your father sees more fash than you're ever gonna see.
And when it comes to intimacy, there's plenty of fish in the sea, but listen to me. I know about a little deficiency. Streeter told me about your undescended testicle. The incident at the Renaissance Festival. The time that gorgeous women have almost slept with you and fell the fuck back because you're nutsack as asymmetric.
Sorry I lost to you. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. How did it mean to make a Patrick Swayze ghost to you? Years from now, when you're dying of disgrace, remember Streeter lyrically skeeted in your face, you punk bitch. Great job.
That light on the printer isn't working again.
I don't know how else. Could you maybe just check it out?
Yeah, thanks guys. Good work, really.
And then go to lunch. Best interns ever.
One of my favorite things that College Humor's ever done is the prank war between Streeter and Amir. And my favorite episode of that is, I want to say episode five when Streeter pranks Amir by putting him in a fake human giant sketch and having everyone on set tell him that he is doing a bad job. I watched that video and I just feel so bad for Amir because that's such a primal fear of mine and I think probably anybody who's a performer to try and get a laugh and fail in front of people you super respect. I mean, human giant is like one of like the sketch groups. When I started at College Humor, I lived in fear of something like that happening to me.
You know, he got me pretty good last time. Can you crank, bitch? It really raises stakes. So Amir, good luck getting me back for this one, buddy. Is one line worth the cost of these digs?
Awesome. What's up, man? Hey, dude. What's going on? Hey, can I ask, do you mind? Oh, yeah, sure. Come on. Hey, what's up, man? Hey. Hey, dude. How's it going?
Scene four, take one. Speed. Action.
Man, there wasn't even a broker's fee.
Oh, man. You're so lucky. This place is awesome, Sheer. Thanks, dude. This is good.
What's up, man? What's up? What's up, man?
Thanks, dude. This is great.
How can you afford a place this big? I got a sub-bladder, actually, two of them. A sub-bladder? I thought this was a one-bedroom.
Check it out. Oh, hey, Paul. Do I make the check-out to you or consolidated power? How does it work?
Wait, can we stop for a second? Yep. I'm sorry. Did you... Were you looking at the camera? Are you looking at me? Oh, you were? Okay. It seemed like from where you're looking, like you might be looking in the camera. Do you mind if we...
Can we just know that one real quick? Yeah, let's do it. Just be safe.
Sorry. I'm moving. You need to, like, take the sarcasm out of your voice, because then it's like... I'm not doing no purpose. Sorry.
Okay, no, no, no. It's fine. It's like there's, like, this... Please, smile. Yep. See, you're smiling, and seriously, let's have that pause there. Let's have the take of, hey, we've got dudes living in the bathroom. Amir, you're doing it as loud as you can. Yeah.
I mean, he told me not to yell. I don't want to yell, but I don't want to... Okay. I don't want to yell a little bit, like, just project. Like, loud like this, but not, like, shouting like this.
Okay. Yeah. It's like the difference between acting and not acting. Like, what Struder's doing is acting, but it doesn't feel like acting. Exactly. All right, let's do it one more time. Okay. Anil, just sort of, like, relax a little bit. Cool. I would say that the thing is to get your thing out faster, so it'll just give him a place to jump in there. Yeah. So don't, like, linger on it.
It seems like you're kind of, like, chewing up your line a little bit. Hey, Paul, who did I make the check out? Just waiting for the same line.
I'll tell you one thing. I know.
I'm honestly not. I'm not doing that for Christmas.
One line is always harder. One line is always harder than doing, like, a whole bunch of stuff.
I know. I've done, like, I've done full sketch. Like, I was in a... Like, I did stuff in college, and it was fine.
I never...
Was that, like, acting before? Not, like, acting, but, like...
Dude. Guys, come on, man.
So you just come out here for one second? Just come here.
Should I stay? No, you stay.
Yeah. Just get out of the bathtub. All right. So I'll do Paul... All right.
So, Anil, just watch for... Watch, like, how we're going to do this here. So this is how it's actually going to go.
Come in here for just a second. Okay. So Paul's going to be you. So I'm Paul for just this example. Yeah. Check it out, man. I got these sub letters. Hey, dude. Should I make out the check to consolidated power or just to you? Oh, Paul. Fresh out of nappies, too, man.
Can you use another box?
All right. So just, like, very straightforward. Okay.
We're going to make the check out, too. Look at us. Make eye contact.
How about this? Just say, like, I got the rent or something like that. Whatever you want. Just say it. Say it and don't, like, present it. Like, here's the same... Hey, Paul. You didn't say anything. I know. Fuck it. Come on. How would you say, let's hang out? Do you have water or something? Let's just do this. All right. Hey, Paul. Come on, dude. Come on, man. We thought this... Yeah. I don't know how to say it any other...
I can't say it any nicer than it's becoming a very big problem. Dude, I'm sorry to yell at you. Sorry about that.
I'm just like... It's just out because we're behind it. I know. Me too.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
You're doing fine. You really are. You're doing fine. I've never done something like this before. No, and you're great. You had said that you did some acting. It's cool. Or you have or have not. It's fine. You're doing great.
All right. Keep it up. Street or you've done acting, right? Yeah. It's okay. Acting class.
We'll just... So we're just thinking maybe what we'll do is like we feel like right now it's like it's not working 100%. I kind of feel like to be honest this is taking a really long time and we're not really getting exactly what we want. So we want to just kind of streamline it and maybe just use one of you guys just to sort of make it faster. Don't play this better, man.
Yeah. Maybe if you jump out for this one and then we'll just... Okay. Yeah, just yeah. I'll just take that.
You can take it here. Here.
No, no, no, no. No, actually... Just like out of the bathroom.
So we're going to try some with just street or just to see. Yeah. We'll just do some with that and see how it plays. I mean, we might use the other one. Uh-huh.
Do you want me to do... Should I double... Yeah, just do both of his lines. Yeah. Just do... Where do you want... Just double up.
Just in the living room.
All right. This is... Kaya. Great. All right.
Bad, bad.
Yeah. Why don't we have everybody in? Julie, Phil... Mike, everybody. Come on in. All right. Awesome.
Can you take one more? Just one more? Anil. Anil, can you come take another one?
Yo, Mir. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. All right. Just one more. Yes.
Just frame it up. Just get the... Give us a second.
Yeah. One, two, three. Yeah. One. One, two, three. Great. Awesome. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Are you just like this... I don't know. I don't know for sure, but I think you might have been crying. No.
Fuck him. Everyone... I mean, it's already dead.
I'm going to go... I'm going to go try to get him back in.
Maybe I'm just like a little better actor than you, or maybe just in that style? So what? If he asks us both to fly here, it doesn't matter who's a better actor. And I think, honestly, I think I would get better. Not a better actor, but better at what we were doing. I didn't think you were very good at all. Well, whatever. I mean, I never claimed to be a great actor.
I'm certainly better at pranking you. Okay. But I'm talking about what went on there was really... I'm better at pranking you, my friend. I mean, I got you. I got you good. What do you mean? It's a prank, dude. What is? Of course. That was awesome, dude. It's a prank. They're not really bad at you.
Are you serious? No, I'm fucking kidding. Of course I'm serious.
Yeah, no, you were lying. You were great, dude. We were just talking like that. That's what I told him. I told him I was doing that. I wasn't looking into the camera. I wasn't speaking to him. No, you were doing it fine, man. You were doing it perfect.
So, when do you want to... Are we doing it from the top?
No, dude. The whole... There's no... Like, this is... There's no... Oh.
It's all a prank. I know. No, none of this. Like, they're not shooting this. This isn't for a TV. It's all a prank.
Like, we wrapped. We wrapped, like, months ago.
The whole, like... It's not for the TV show. The whole everything. Everything. Yeah. These are all...
Dude, I got you so good. You didn't get me good.
This is not... This is...
What are you doing? You didn't get me. This isn't getting me. Yeah. Come on, man. What? I'm serious. This isn't getting me. You... Flying me out to L.A. is getting me? That's not getting me.
Embarrassing me in front of people?
I mean... I mean, what? What do you mean?
It's an ongoing prank war. Like, you got to realize... This is hundreds of dollars. Yeah, but the stakes... The stakes are going to be raised. I mean, you got to realize, like, it's going to get worse and worse and worse.
My favorite College Humor sketch from back in the day is called Woman is Afraid of Owls, and it's a Josh Rubin sketch. It's from 2012, so I was still in college when I first saw it, and I remember loving it, and then I rewatched it recently, and it was still fantastic. It definitely holds up. I'm basically just a really big fan of anything with Josh Rubin, especially him doing, like, an extreme character, where he's this kind of sad, macrame obsessed woman who's terrified of owls, and then it ends with, like, him just losing his shit. It's just super funny, so there it is.
Grab some yarn and grab some beads. Hello, my darlings. Last week, we made a beautiful sunshine, and the week before that, we made a puppy dog.
Dear Kathy, I believe a good project would be a macrame owl. Owls are lots of fun to make. I love your show. Dear Kathy, I would like to make a macrame owl. Can you show me, please? Dear Kathy, every week I ask you to make an owl, and you still won't make an owl.
Now, as I have stated many times on this show, I am deathly afraid of owls. They severely frighten me. As a compromise, I have invited the macrame pals on the program to make a macrame owl, and I'm going to teach them how to do so with my eyes closed, because, as I've repeatedly told all of you, I'm deathly afraid of owls, and I don't want to do this.
Oh, that must be them now. Hello. Okay, we are going to make our macrame what? Owls. We begin by tying a half hitch around the ring, a nose, a triangle nose, a triangle nose. Now we're going to make the eyes.
They only live at night, okay? Sorry. No!
I don't know if it was a bird or an owl or a man, but a thing came into my room and repeatedly started pecking, pecking, pecking at my body, pecking at my face, pecking, pecking, pecking. It's a terrible feeling, and being alone is almost as terrible, but I think owls take the cake. Now, I want everyone to take their owl. Do they have their owl? Are they near their owl? Yeah. Okay, I want you to bury your owl.
Kathy, don't you want to see what I made? Well, I always want to see what a child may... Oh! Abby! Why would you do that? Kathy, would you like to see mine? Mitchell, I...
If it's not an owl, I suppose I can take a look. It's an owl!
Daniela! Daniela, where's Daniela? Who's there?
Oh! You animal! Hey!
I told you I didn't afraid an owl! It's a sea mouse!
You sons of bitches! You lied to me! You lied! You're supposed to be in my safe place!
My favorite sketch from back in the day called Shumer is Hottest Lesbian Kiss Ever. Murph wrote it, and it is the perfect sketch.
Yeah, it's two lesbians kissing at a frat party. That kind of stuff happens to you when you're gay all the time people fetishize you. So it would be funny if those same people who were like it's so hot that you made out watched me get married.
One time a guy offered to buy me and my girlfriend's groceries. That's crazy. We did it. Obviously. Don't go to Trader Joe's on Hyperion. That's where the freaks are at. Yeah, all that kind of stuff is crazy.
So it's the perfect sketch. Six beers, two shots, and a Janger Bum.
I don't care. Check it out, check it out.
Lesbians, bro. Yes! Dude, they are so hot. They're going all the way. Yo, this is more than just a hookup, bro. That conversation is crazy intimate. Man, I gotta record this, alright? My boys are never gonna believe I saw two human beings connect on this level. I can tell they find each other attractive outside of the male standard for beauty. No way!
They're meeting each other's families! Oh, nice, dude! Everyone seems to be getting along. They were happy that their daughters are happy, bro. They just started dating, and they're already moving in together. One of their dads is gonna co-sign the lease.
No, he's so open-minded and so banging. Yo, that is a crazy commitment, but not as serious as... Holy shit!
Girl on girl! This is going on the internet. Hashtag shattering barriers.
Yo, dude, love knows no j- Dude! Dude! They adopted men!
That little girl is mad blessed to have two strong women in her life. Yo, she's gonna find out that gender roles are a relic of the patriarchy. You know, it's so sweet how they still find time for each other even after the kids. Cause they're soul mates, dude.
It's so hot. Damn, little Abigail's already going to college. What? It's like she was just born a few seconds ago. Oh no!
One of their moms passed away.
It's a good thing she has a rock. Yo, she'll be strong enough for the both of them. Zach, yo.
Look at all the grandchildren. Those are some proud ass matriarchs. Time has come full circle, bros.
She will die as she lived. With love by her side. Dudes, there is a dead old lady in our frat house.
Yo, we're so screwed. Yo, no one's gonna believe what happened.
I gotta go. So, one of my favorite College Humor videos from back in the day is The Guy Who Is Definitely Not Keeping Your Secret. This one stars Pat who also wrote it.
Emily and Zach are also in it. Zach's secret is that he's bald and he's been wearing a wig this whole time. Emily and Pat have like a very funny exchange. But the whole time that they're having that exchange, Zach is presumably in the bathroom fixing his wig.
But when he comes out, it's totally sideways. It's totally sideways and he just looks ridiculous.
That's one of my favorites from before I got here. Zach, when are you gonna stop living this lie? There you are. The real Zach. Wait, why were you in the men's room? Doesn't matter. The point is I saw Zach and he wears a wig. What?
Oh my god. That's really good gossip, Emily. I know, but we have to keep it a secret, because if he finds out that I betrayed his trust, he'll ruin our friendship. Got it.
So like, don't tell anyone. Why would I tell anyone? I don't know, because it's interesting. Just don't, okay?
Who would I tell? Mike, Sam, Siobhan, Murph, Pat, are you going to tell someone? Those guys probably know anyway. Okay, see, when you say that, it really makes me think that you're gonna tell someone. Hey, hey, hey. Did I say that?
No, but you're being very cavalier about something I just confided in you. Can you just say in no uncertain terms that you will not tell anyone? Emily, I will not even see those guys again today, so it's kind of a moot point. Okay, it's not a moot point. It's not a moot point. I'm not saying I'm gonna tell anyone, but if I did, nobody would care.
You get that, right? I am begging you. Can you please just promise me that you will respect my wishes? I have to promise you why, because you don't trust me? Of course I trust you. I just really value my friendship with Zach, and I don't want something that could compromise...
What the fuck? Oh, my God. Have you been recording this entire conversation?
It's just a have. I'm not gonna show it to anyone. It's just a have. What does that mean? It's just so I can have it.
Patrick, repeat after me. I will not...
That is not even a secret. Tell anyone... Why do you care so much? What Emily told me?
So if someone asks, I have to lie to them? You're asking me to be a liar now for the rest of my life? I just have to be a liar for the rest of my life. I'm not asking you to be a liar.
Are you two okay? What are you guys talking about? Hey, Zach. Um, certainly nothing can concerning you. Pat, you agree with that, I take it? No, Zach. I'm afraid we weren't talking about you.
And how lucky you are to have a friend like Emily. Speaking of Emily, she took the foulest shit I've ever smelled earlier.
Oh, I'm sorry. Was that a secret?
You bald motherfucker. I'm not bald!
So my favorite College Humor sketch from back in the day is an episode of Troopers called Gun Privileges. And I have that gun right here. This thing is so perfectly suited for the world of Troopers.
Where it's futuristic looking, but it's clearly an awful bad future. This thing is so, so heavy. It's just made of old parts. The handle is like a gas pump handle. There's a touch-tone keypad on the side.
It's sort of a careful art design that goes into our videos. Troopers is one of my favorite series that we've ever done. And I think this episode, in particular, shows you some of the really good things about that series. We've got great performances with really, like, snappy naturalistic acting. Um, really tight dialogue. Fast cutaways to really big moments of explosions and people dying.
And Aubrey Plaza's in it, which is lovely. It's a really fun series. It's a really fun episode. And if you haven't seen it before, I hope you enjoy it.
They gave us our gun back. Yeah?
Let me see.
Hey, hey, hey. Rich, I get it. No, no. You're the reason they took it away in the first place. Huh. That doesn't sound like me. So we'll be returning your station's firearm on a probationary basis. Oh, my God. Rich, we got our gun back.
Yeah, I'm gonna live forever. Whoo! Forever. Come on, Rich.
It was one time. One time? Really?
What about the, uh, what about the princess? She seduced me. Hey, princess, wanna see my gun? Okay. God, she wanted me.
She killed, like, ten of our guards. So in love. You know, and wounded another 25.
Say when you meet a soulmate, you just... You just know it.
You had, uh, what, two months' worth of funeral? She makes me feel so alive. She made a lot of other people feel dead.
You know what? You're not so perfect either, dude. See? I told you I could hit that window. Now pay up! You know, at first I didn't believe you, but now I do. Oh, no, the money. Ah!
Man, we've lost our gun privileges a lot.
Yeah, I know, like, 22 or 20. Was it 23 times, maybe? Yeah, 23 times.
Still, shooting a hole in a window is not nearly as bad as just giving it to the princess. You already brought that up. No, no, I mean the second time you did it. Ah. Okay, princess, I've taken some completely voluntary precautions. And there's no way you're gonna take this gun again.
Really? No way. Really? Not happening. Really? Nope. Really? Not... uh...
Oh, yeah, like, I'm so bad, like, fuck me, fuck Larry. Yeah, fuck you. I'm so bad, look at Chase.
So, yeah, our armor, completely laser-proof.
Give it a shot. Really? Come on, red, sound right. Come on, man. There'll be a push to me in the stomach. I think I hear a push. Okay, okay, all right, fine, here we go. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Try me. See?
We've both screwed up, so let's promise each other to take better care of the gun.
Agreed? Agreed. Ah.
Oh, wait, hold on, I can remember this. Hold on one second, give me a moment.
I don't want to piss on every superficial issue with you and rip you apart like tissue. I mean, it's easy to diss you. Your father was a highly accomplished gynecologist from a family of doctors, so it's obvious the problem is that you got into comedy, and now you're just a waste of, your mom is worried because you're just a waste of space. He's fucking super, you know, a simplistic, solipsistic pile of shit. |
dropout | this_girl_s_black_friday_haul_video_is_horrifying | Hey everyone! I'm back with a very special Black Friday haul video. Now the crowds can get a little rowdy but if you can handle it you can get some amazing deals. The first thing I have to show you is this cute cute cute sweater. It is so soft and so comfortable. It'll need a bit of mending but I only paid $8 so totally worth it. I'm really excited about this next one. So the first 50 people into the store were able to purchase an iPhone at 50% off. I was number 49. Now I already have an iPhone but this is gonna make an excellent totally unexpected gift.
You would not believe the story behind this one. It has the wrong price tag on it so I got this coffee maker for the same cost as the low-end model. And the cashier didn't even notice because it was so busy and loud and like literally crazy.
This is a sterling silver necklace that belonged to Janet. Oh Janet was a 67 year old woman who I met at the household goods section. Both of us nearly escaped from the horrors of the children's toy section but only one of us made it out alive. Anyways, she told me to take this necklace so she would always be close to my heart.
Normally these things cost a couple hundred dollars but I got mine for free. These shoes were buying it when half off so I bought these and got these 50% off. Let me go! I'm still not sure if this nail polish set was a good deal. The normal price is $50 but it cost me my belief in the goodness of humanity of any notion that there is some divine spark in us that separates us from the gnashing wildness of animals. And $25.
Still, such a pretty sack. This is a human spine.
I don't want to talk about this one. So that's it for my Black Friday shopping experience. Okay, bye!
May God have mercy on us all. Hi, I'm Mike Trapp from College Humor. Three years ago I had a happy normal life. Now look at me.
I'm lurking at the end of YouTube videos begging strangers for clicks. Just one click man, that's all I need. You can click over here to subscribe to our channel or click over here to watch another video. Come on man, one click. That's all I need. Just give me a click! |
SaturdayNightLive | sheila_choad_s_los_angeles_face_saturday_night_live | You're watching Fine Living. Ew. at 1 P.m. it's the wealthy golfer followed by where to store your race cars in Tuscany. But first, Sheila Choad's Los Angeles Face. Good day, I'm Sheila Choad. welcome to the Los Angeles Face, the only show dedicated to Botox and the Botox lifestyle. my guests today are Susan Deinwart. I'm so excited to be here. Alyssa Huzzies. it's a zen pleasure. and Pamela Albert. Ladies, let me first say that you are all beautiful and I'm feeling so much girl power right now. Alyssa, tell us your story. how did Botox find you? Sheila, I would love to. I live in Los Angeles. I'm a stay-at-home non-mom. and originally I was very opposed to any kind of cosmetic procedures.
But then my husband hired a 19 year old Brazilian girl to answer phones at his Mercedes dealership. Ooh, 19 in Brazilian, double whammy.
Susan, how about you? What inspired you to inject botulism into your face? Well, Sheila, I work in the highly competitive entertainment industry. Oh, indeed, yes. And if I don't look fresh and sexy, these Hollywood executives will find someone who does. I see. So what do you do exactly? I operate the Revenge of the Mummy roller coaster at Universal Studios. and you look gorgeous doing it. take a look at Susan's before picture.
Now no one can tell that I just turned 26. Thank God. How about you, Sheila? excuse me. Well, what made you choose Botox in collagen? No, I've never had any of those. I'm just the paid host of the show. really? Yes, bitch, really. don't give me that look. Now onto Pamela. Pamela, how has your life been enhanced by Botox?
Well, I saw an ad in the Orlando Sentinel that this nail salon behind Howard Johnson's was having a Botox sale. but I didn't have the whole $99. So the guy said he'd do half my face for 50. But it turned out it wasn't real Botox. he'd injected my face with a mixture of show vanilla and scooping lemon. scorpion venom. scorpion venom.
My goodness. what a terrible thing. so tragic. to think someone would do that just enrages me. I'm so enraged right now. Plus, they did some weird credit card fraud on me. and now I owe two thousand dollars to a cell phone store in Miami. damn it. I promised myself I wasn't going to cry today. Now look at me. I'm crying like a baby. me too. am I?
Yeah, it's hard for me to feed myself. What? it's hard for me to feed myself. What's that? it's hard for me to feed myself.
Wonderful. good for you. Ladies, if you have had any advice for potential Botox clients, what would it be? I would just say do it. do it for yourself and also just do it because everyone else is doing it. if you find a doctor who's really willing to work with you, you can get him to put some Botox in your bikini area. it makes you look really rested down there.
Pamela. If a guy says he left his medical license in Cuba, maybe just get out of there. especially if he's wearing a Burger King uniform. once again, I didn't catch any of that. join me next time on the Los Angeles face, when my guest will be Nicole Kidman's Dog Walker and comedian Gary Shandling. Bye Bye. |
dropout | the_gritty_of_brotherly_love_a_philly_phan_phiction | Hello everyone and welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am Jess, with me as always is my co-host Rekha, if you're listening to this it is probably on a place where you get podcasts or CH2, but is it on our absolute favorite place to listen to us, drop out. If you subscribe to drop out you get to hear Erotic Book Club first, as well as all of our other awesome podcasts, Tales from the Closet, Adventure Academy, and you get to watch our original shows. We have some exciting ones coming out that I'm excited for. We have Troopers returning, The Rise of the Budget, that Rekha rode on, as well as another season of D20, a side quest with Rekha. Oh you've been a busy little bee. And our absolute favorite thing when you subscribe to drop out is being on the Discord. It is a channel where you get to chat with us the cast. We have a special Erotic Book Club one where we get to chat with you guys directly and there's been a lot of fun convos on there as always.
People were super into Alfie, specifically there was a convo about Vera and Alduin's relationship. Some people were super into it, some people were not. Some people were just like I'm here for Vera and her big character journey feels like a very delicate way to describe someone dealing with their internalized hatred of different people different than them. It was very beautifully discussed on the Discord. And some people weren't trying to hear that shit and they didn't want to put up with it and that's your right too. We learned that those specific shots were called x-ray shots, which I thought was interesting. And then another really cool thing that came up on the Discord was about our stress treatment episode. A lot of people loved those guests, we were so happy to have them on.
And also somebody, I'll read their direct quote, all the literal equating genitals to gender was a bummer. Took me out of the otherwise enjoyable episode. So I think they're speaking to when we're talking about vaginas, we say they belong to women, when we're talking about penises, we say they belong to men and that's not accurate. Others people that identify all different genders are no gender at all and they have all different body parts and we want to be inclusive of everyone. Absolutely.
So we apologize and we're gonna do better. Yeah we're gonna do better.
Thank you so much. That's another great reason for having the Discord. We get to put in chat. Yeah so without further ado, we have a very exciting episode that is so close to my heart. And mine too.
Where I was born and raised Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, but now it will forever be called the gritty of brotherly love. A Philly fan fiction. Fan with a pH.
We knew we needed some superb experts in here today. So we have with us a Philadelphia lifestyle expert, Madonna. Hi everyone.
I am a lifestyle expert. I go out every night. I like to live a glamorous life. You do. You're one of the most glamorous friends that I have.
Agreed. Thank you.
And Madonna, what would you say is your favorite thing about the Philly lifestyle? Um I really like the nightlife. Yeah. Really. Which you'll see in my my story that I'm gonna read later. It's just a little snapshot of Philly life of nightlife.
And it's really I'm really excited to share it with you. Wonderful. Very excited to hear it.
We also have another expert here. Over here we've got our Philadelphia sports expert, David. Hi everybody.
Yeah big Philly sports fan. Love Philly sports.
I will admit that just about every team I I've lost track of them. With the Phillies it was the second Carlos the Ruiz left the team. Which was maybe in like 2013.
Yeah sure of course of course. Of course of course. Yeah Ruiz. Yeah of course.
This is me and Jane the Virgin. I don't know what's going on anymore. But I know up to a point I know very well. Yeah and I still I mean I you know I still watch them play and have these residual feelings. But it's just not quite personal to me anymore. Yeah this is like me in Shark Tank. Yeah. I felt like the show is so much purer back in the day and now it's just like to sterilize the thing.
Yeah they know they're on camera. They know they have social media now. They don't really like give it to people the same way.
So I totally understand. We totally get it. Yeah.
Madonna and Dave are both from Philadelphia. That's where I met them years ago doing comedy there.
Yes. So let's get into it. Yes. Oh and if you don't know if you are not blessed to be from Philadelphia. Gritty is the Philadelphia Flyers mascot. Yeah. And the Philly Fanatic is the glorious Philadelphia Phillies mascot. So look up these photos on your own time. You really it really will help. Yeah. Digests the story. And Gritty's less than one year old. What? Right. Wasn't Gritty introduced to the public in like September? But he's not a child. Oh yeah.
He's a grown man. It's sort of like a Jack situation you know. Robin Williams was born as an adult man in the movie Jack. Only Gritty was born that big too. Oh my god.
Alright our characters if you were not able to read of course the Philly Fanatic. We have John Kruk who was a former Philadelphia All-Star who you are familiar with. Yeah he's an ESPN analyst.
He is he's a big guy. He's a really big guy.
When I looked him up Chris Farley played him in like an SNL sketch. Yeah and I think my favorite thing about John Kruk is he one time famously somebody was interviewing him and they said well you're an athlete and he said I'm not an athlete I'm a ball player. So that's the kind of man John Kruk is. I'm not a businessman I'm a businessman. That kind of makes me wish he was a bit more involved in some other things.
He sounds aggressive. He sounds like a top.
And of course we have Gritty. It starts with a prologue defining what Philadelphia is. Yes. Defining what a mascot is and then defining what a Philadelphia mascot is. Which is the highest honor a mascot can achieve. Which I thought was incredible. Yes. Our story begins on September 24th 2018.
The Fanatic is taking a hot shower.
He's described as egg-shaped eyes, megaphone nose, hula hoop belly, and size 22 quadruple wide feet. Goddamn. You know what they say about mascots with wide feet? No what do they say? Wide dick. Nice wide dick. Huge jokes.
I actually think I don't know if people are going to think this is crazy. I do think there's something kind of like sexy about the Philadelphia Fanatic. Is it because he jiggles? Yeah I remember. Yeah he's thick. I remember going to see games and you would kind of like shake it around a bit and I'd be like oh. I think he's someone that's like very into his own body and that's always very hot. Yeah. He's like yeah he's very comfortable in his skin. I think he would respond like he responds to the touch. Madonna. Yeah. Do you who do you who do we think is hotter before we even get started? I am curious now that we're just on it. I mean I feel like it's the Fanatic.
I mean he's older. He's more experienced. He knows what to do. Yeah he shakes his pussy all around.
Just flings it all around the stadium if that's what it's called. Yeah sorry. Are you sports expert? Stadium or ballpark.
Yeah for me it's Fanatic for sure. I genuinely I love his belly. I love the way he moves and I love the way that he owns it and when he'll Trump it knows.
Yeah and that tongue. That tongue could do a lot. Oh and it do.
What are your 12 answers? I think I think like personality wise I think Gritty would be so much fun. What?
He's fiercely liberal. Oh that is true okay.
I think he would be down to fucking clown. I think he'd be so much fun.
I think Gritty maybe is like when you date a fuck-up person who like has like cardboard boxes his furniture and they're like fun but they're like also like maybe not forever but like Gritty's like your first boyfriend. Yeah Gritty is like the guy you swipe right on when you're drunk. There's something there. Gritty is like the like you know in Gilmore Girls Dean. Gritty is the Jess. Gritty is a fuck boy. You think Gritty is a fuck boy?
I think so. Oh I think he's like heart of gold just like kind of a mess. I think he's a good guy. Most people with hearts of gold are a mess a mess and fuck boys. I feel like Gritty's like a beach romance right where it's like you go on vacation.
Yes he's a local he's a local. Shut the fuck up. You go to like an Italian resort and he's there. He's the kayaking instructor.
Oh my god. His eyes are jiggling all over the place.
Gritty would definitely like inadvertently get me pregnant. I do think Gritty like is the type of guy to forget he didn't get his tubes tied or something. I didn't go to that appointment.
My second answer is I think the fanatic can like take care of me and like I think that is nice for something long term but like I want I want you know. Because he's got that nest. Yeah a literal nest egg. Denala did you answer? Yeah I think I yeah I think I think my vote's for the fanatic. But I mean Rekha painted a picture of Gritty that I had not considered. I'm not gonna kick Gritty out of bed. That's for sure.
You know honestly he is the bed. He's enormous. He is the literal king. So the fanatic comes out of the shower and he's not quite the the jovial clown that we're all used to. He's much he is grittier in this interpretation. He's a little worn. He's a little tired. He's been at the game for a long time. He walks to his bedroom and we see there's a body there. It's a Drexel student. He describes that he has been with fans that fans kind of throw themselves at him and he's had it all and he's done it all and he's a little worn out and he's a little tired as I would imagine you know being at it for this long that you would be.
For the record the body is alive. It's not. Did I make it sound like she was murdered? You said there there was a body in the bedroom. Oh yeah she's alive. She's very much alive. The fanatic did not murder this woman. No there's like a body lying in your bed. It was more that it was a reveal. She turns around and you see like that Drexel D. Yeah. I didn't mean to imply she wasn't. That's hilarious.
Who they met at the Copa Banana which I've been to. Copa Banana I've never been to.
What was that? It was near where we would do improv at the Shuban around the corner. It was that place with all like the bananas on the out. It was like very colorful.
I would go there and get a margarina and an ahi tuna burger and it was delicious. A South Street staple. South Street staple for sure.
He asked her to pass him a yingling which if you're not familiar is a very famous Philadelphia drink. Can't get it most places outside of Philadelphia I don't think.
He's been at it for nearly a decade and he's tired and he's worn out and then he gets a call from his friend John Crock. Well he also it says before right before this he says today is the day I end it all. Which I did think he was going to kill himself for a second. Yes isn't that what he meant even though like he didn't do that obviously. I thought that when he talked to his friend John it just meant that he was going to retire but I did think for a second that he was suicidal. Yes. What did you guys think? I thought he was suicidal.
I didn't really read it. It's a book club this happens. You don't always read the book.
So we don't know if the fanatic at this point maybe is on the verge of suicide. Oh cool cool cool cool. Yeah I thought suicidal. Yeah okay so then I wasn't gonna say because I wasn't sure but yeah the fanatic is really down and out right now. Which is extremely sad.
He's a beautiful bird. He doesn't like to be called a bird though as we find out. He gets a call from his friend his best bud John Crock who refers to him as a double P which I thought was very funny.
Double P there's something going down at the police touch museum. You got to get down there and every the attention to detail and this is incredible. There is a police touch museum in Fairmount Park. A beautiful place to go. Great place to do ecstasy. So he heads down to the police touch museum.
He doesn't want to be noticed so he doesn't take his private helicopter. As if the Philly fanatic could go literally anywhere and not be noticed.
He's a giant green bird. He's wearing sunglasses. Yeah a big Philly t-shirt. He jiggles his nose is shaped like a trumpet. He's going to be noticed. He heads down there. There's an announcement about to be made today. The flyers have a new mascot and he's seen mascots come and go in Philadelphia.
So he remembers slap shot. He remembers it all. He's been through the horrors.
And so it doesn't really mean that much to him. The mascot is announced and he kind of comes out in this like just orange wave and he's spinning around and you can't quite see his face and the crowd at first turns on him. They're not into him. Which is that what happened when Gritty was actually announced? Is this accurate? It was a very mixed reaction. A lot of people were furious and his eyes were when he first was released were particularly googly. And people had opinions. I remember people were mad about him at first.
Particularly googly. And if I recall they were particularly genocently googly.
Um he's skating around but then when he turns around and reveals those eyes the fanatic is like whoa. They're gorgeous. Yes yes he is clearly immediately intoxicated by them even if he doesn't know why. Yes the direct quote my god they're glorious. Yeah so the fanatic is almost taken aback. He leaves and then trips over some cables and that causes a bit of a stir.
Now people have realized this giant green bird was the fanatic. It wasn't just an incidental green bird in the Please Touch Museum.
And now Gritty is upset and these two kind of get into a fight. They're upset. They're going back and forth with words. Gritty calls him a stu- shut your mouth you stupid bird.
Yep. And this is when we learn that the fanatic does not like being called a bird. Yep.
Which I didn't know. I love this showdown this diva showdown. It is very much not since Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston were wearing the same dress promoting the Prince of Egypt song.
This is just like that. This is exactly like that. Gritty also says I wrote this quote too.
Pick up your dumb ass and go home. You haven't led your team to victory in a decade.
And then this part's incredible because you would think you know this is the Philly fanatic. Everyone in Philadelphia loves him but the crowd because they are Philly lifestyle they're big brash unapologetic rough around the edges yet flawless in every way.
That's me baby. Yes that's all of us. That's Philly baby. That's what brings us all together.
Oh wow. Hold her hand. Oh my fucking hand David. Big brash baby.
And the fans love this and they turn on the fanatic and now they're on the side of Gritty. They start throwing Tony Luke's wrappers and batteries at the fanatics.
Batteries. Where do they all get batteries? Who's to say? You gotta have batteries on you when you live in Philly.
Yeah you just have them in your purse. It's just... What kind? A double A. Yeah. Some tiny ones. We're not cruel.
They gotta be useful.
They're not car batteries. We don't have boomboxes anymore. What do we do with double D's?
Gritty eventually thwacks him to the ground and says the king is dead. Long live the king. Which is sort of a strange sentence because the king is dead.
But I know what he means right? He means he's the new king. I mean he's making this stuff up on the spot. We can't be too particular and he's a little crazy and you know.
And he's less than one year old. He's a baby and then he's also like your first boyfriend.
He doesn't get it and he sleeps on he sleeps in a box and it's fine. We do know that the fanatic is a bird despite not wanting to be called that.
He's from the Galapagos Islands. He's Ecuadorian.
But what is... Yada yada. But what is Gritty?
Is he a man? I thought he was supposed to be kind of like a crazy caveman who then became like somebody's Philadelphia uncle. Jess you have to explain what you said yesterday about what you thought Gritty was human but he's so angry that he just grew a bunch of hair. Yeah but well no he's so like uh he's just like an animal too. So he's kind of like like a man but an animal. So he has extra hair. There is a little backstory on him.
Whoa. Which is I guess um as they were renovating the Wells Fargo Center they disrupted Gritty's cave and he came out. And it has been said that Gritty's father and they didn't explain what this meant but Gritty's father...
Graddie? Yeah. Graddo.
Gritty's father is a bully. Uh that's just how they described him. Like with a capital B. Abusive? Well no because the flyers were called the Broad Street Bullies. So he was birthed from a Broad Street Bully?
I guess. And then who was the mother? Lady Liberty herself? The bell? Damn that's where that crack came from.
That's incredible from the depths of the Wells Fargo Center. The ancient Wells Fargo Center.
He's almost like he's like like a hellish demon. Like a link. Yeah like a Sasquatch. Yeah okay. Whoa. Hot.
Hmm does that change anyone's answer? No I still have two answers. Not fair.
Um so now the city is in love with Gritty. They have turned on the fanatic. The fanatic leaves in shame.
He goes back to his bird nest kind of perched over looking at everything. And matters only get worse.
His best bud John Kruk calls him again lets him know turn on the radio. Turn on what was it Fox 29 News?
And Gritty is on the news talking crap on the fanatic. The mayor has banned the fanatic from Citizens Bank Park because he blames the fanatic for what has happened because the fanatic tripped and kind of started this whole chaos. And now Gritty is going to be there opening day at Citizens Bank Park. Not to the fanatic.
Whoa whoa. This is huge.
Insult to injury.
Totally. And the fanatic is kind of riled up by this. He says this star is about to go goddamn super nope. For the in ways he's upset but in ways he's fired up in a way he hasn't been in years. Like sexually fired up or more just angry.
He's not sure yet. He's not sure. Emotions are confusing. Emotions as I'm sure you know are confusing.
Lifestyle. But all he knows is that he feels more like adrenaline than he's felt in years to be a mascot right now. Yes he wants to get down to that ballpark and show the world what he's got again.
I'm just really ready for the fucking. It's coming. We're getting there. It's a bit of this is a bit of all foreplay leading to our yes.
I also one thing I really appreciate about this book is that Gritty sorry the fanatic has so many like catch phrases that might like there might be like a music sting in sunglasses after he says it. So he says like the super nerd thing and then he goes I may be down but I'm not out. Which is like a weird veiled baseball pun or something. He's like a real housewife. Yeah exactly. That's like his like intro in the beginning.
Gritty also says at one point mascot ain't his John anymore. It's my John which if you're from Philadelphia you know that John is kind of an all inclusive term that you could just throw out there for pretty much anything. Jess hand me that John over there.
Yes and I know instantly that means this cantal. Exactly. I guess loosely translated to thing. Thing. There's really no direct correlation but you know it's. You have to be there yeah.
So the fanatic decides he's going to sneak into the park and reclaim his glory. The park is of course on high security alert since the mayor has locked the fanatic out of citizens bank park. So he has to escape through the underground tunnels of citizens bank park through a chicken and Pete's catering cart.
Yeah crab fries cart. Oh I miss chicken and Pete's so bad. Whenever my brother is at the airport he always makes sure to stop at the chicken and Pete's in the airport and get the crab prize. Which don't have crab on them. It's just like a little cheese. Old bag. This was this was the first time in the thing that I really had a physical reaction was when chicken and Pete's was mentioned because those crab fries with that cheese sauce. That took me back.
Yeah. Oh God. God bless Philadelphia. So he sneaks in. He rushes onto the field before gritty can and he starts doing his moves and the crowd's pretty into it because this is you know you're at citizens bank park this is what you expect. Then the eye of the tiger kicks in and gritty comes out dressed like Apollo Creed and Rocky IV baby. So Philly. Oh God. Oh I love this so much. And they gritty announces that they will have a mascot off. As the Philly fanatic also thinks to himself. Huh. Rocky 3 music while wearing Rocky 4 clothes. Yeah.
Side eye. So the mascot off takes place. They're spinning their tummies. It's reported that both women and men everyone in the stadium they all faint. Gritty shines a bald man's head and the fanatic says I'll be damned. He's good. He's super into it. Uh he one of them gets a punch it rings like a hundred one thousand seven hundred and seventy six Liberty Bells. Uh for the fans at home that might be one you get on the ride home.
Yeah. Just think about the Constitution for a sec.
But then it escalates a bit too much when gritty is shot with a hot dog cannon by the fanatic. This kind of takes it a bit too far and the crowd is not happy though.
Gritty falls to the ground and he confesses I never wanted to replace you. I never wanted to be you. I wanted to be with you. You're the reason I became a mascot.
My world. My muse. My love.
Yeah. This feels relatable. Yeah. In the sense of like sometimes when you are enamored with someone you're like do I want to be them? Do I want to be with them? Yeah. I don't know.
Try a little bit of all of it. Try being them for a bit. Kind of talented Mr. Ripley yourself. And this is when the fanatic realizes that he is in love as well. And then we get to the good stuff. It did take a while.
So this is a good point to say there is actually no erotica in this book. This is what we found out.
Because this is as you can tell a bit of a joke. A very fun joke. It's very funny and recommended read.
But not the erotica that we're used to. And we didn't want to leave you guys without erotica. So we took it upon ourselves to write what happens next.
And this it describes that they kiss the whole stadium cheers. There's a couple of extra chapters that are like explicit details removed. And then at the end you realize that they're still at the stadium. They've had a standing ovation. So they made love all night in the stadium.
Yep. But it doesn't quite say how. So we have decided to share with you how they made love. Yes. Would anyone like to start? I don't mind.
David wrote his in his personal journal. This will live with me forever. And I'll start because I fear that mine is the least juicy.
Oh, I bet that's not true. I bet it's not true. I bet yours is fucking funny.
Okay. Gritty leaned in. But just at the precipice of a kiss, the fanatic pushed Gritty away. This isn't right. The fanatic said. What's wrong? Ask Gritty nearly paralyzed by stalled passion.
Flightless birds mate in the sea. And before another word was spoken, the fanatic had Gritty on his ATV speeding towards the Delaware River.
Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
They reached the banks of the Delaware River. The fanatic wondered if they washed away the needles and trash. The fanatic wondered if this was how John the Baptist felt before he baptized Jesus in charge for the moment, but ultimately a footnote in a greater destiny. He took Gritty's hand and led him into the water, tasting the spray, which no longer caused tetanus due to the efforts of the Delaware River reclamation project.
When the water was waist high, he brought Gritty in close, pressing his cloaca against Gritty's front bumpus. I was trying to think of what to call that. For a moment, time didn't exist. There was only the fanatic and Gritty and the water of the Delaware River, which will be safe for humans in 2022. Their bodies rocked in rhythm as though choreographed the kind of choreography you don't see until All Star Weekend, at least. After five seconds, more than twice the average copulation time for waterfowl, it was all over. What now? asked Gritty, pushing his wet fur away from his googly eyes. I don't know, said the fanatic, as he watched the moon rise over the Walt Whitman bridge, but for the first time in a long time, that thought doesn't worry me. I like to think that a camera crew went down and this was all in the jumping rod still. And then of course, you know, they should come back on the ATV wet, you know, holding hands.
Oh my God, that was incredible. That was very beautiful. Okay, okay, very good. Okay, this is very different.
I'm not gonna live up to that.
Okay, so where we last left then they were kissing. Yes. Fanatics tongue was out. The Philly Fanatics tongue delicately made its way around Gritty's lips, a suggestion of what's to come or better yet, who's to come. Gritty had been kissed before. You don't come out of the gates of I will now revise this to the Wells Fargo Center without a kiss or two. But the kiss with the fanatic wasn't something Gritty had felt before for this wasn't just a kiss on the lips. No, this kiss rocketed straight from his wide mouth to his now rock hard clip. The kiss became more and more passionate, more all consuming.
And it was clear to Gritty that the fanatic instinctively knew what to do and how to do it. Oh, startled by the beginnings of his own orange nectar. Involuntarily grasped at the fanatics were unable to tell what he was caressing, only knowing that it was beautiful and lush. And he wanted it all now. And the fanatic didn't let him wait. He slid his tongue down the orange tufted curves of Gritty's arm, his back, his supple inner thighs and slowly worked his way to Gritty's pleasure spot. Doing what that tongue does so well, the fanatic noodled it around, creating a second surge in Gritty's loins like a mountain peak of a roller coaster. Gritty convulsed in pleasure. What was the fanatic doing? These rhythmic strokes? Besides an adoration of his sweet honey, was the fanatic trying to communicate something? Was his tongue spelling something out?
Oh my god, it's like the Da Vinci code. Oh my god, what is it?
U-S-A. Pretty overtaken with love, freedom, liberty and all the keystone state couldn't help but scream the tantric message himself. U-S-A, U-S-A. He shouted to the adoring crowd who was absolutely staring at their passionate rendezvous. The crowd elated at the clear and messy display of brotherly love mechanically repeated the cheer. U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A.
As the fanatic continued to absolutely and wholeheartedly give it to Gritty. Oh my god, these are incredible. I loved it, I loved it.
I need a cigarette. I need a moment.
Okay, so I started a bit after the kiss. I kind of just wanted to get right to it. Here we go.
Gritty removed the fanatic size 22 quadruple shoes. Each of his talents were 10 inches long, the exact same size of a wah-wah classic hoagie. They had a similar smell too, which drove Gritty wild. He wrapped his gigantic mouth around each one, one at a time.
The fanatic threw his head back in ecstasy, his tongue wildly waving in the air like an inflatable tube guy in front of a car dealership. Gritty kissed along the fanatic's thick bird legs, making his way up to his bird hood. Sure, the fanatic had never worn pants. His bird hood was on display for all the world to see, but to be so close to it and to know it was all his, Gritty grinned greedily.
He couldn't help but be impressed by its sheer size. You may be too big, even for someone with a mouth as large as mine. Whoa, whoa.
He said before taking in his bird hood hole, Gritty's head bobbed up and down like a hockey player weaving back and forth on the ice. It wasn't long before a burst of whiz shot from the end. She's been waiting to write that all her life. She told me in the car on the way here, she goes, you know, I have a revision to the jizz that he squirts in my story and I was like, okay, I see what the revision is. It was supposed to be confetti, but then I thought, I literally was in the shower and I was like, what if it was whiz? And I think I was right.
Whiz is like easy cheese. Yes, for those of you at home, Philly Cheesesteak is traditionally whiz. A burst of whiz shot from the fanatics phallic phantom covering Gritty's face with his sweet delicious taste.
That is vile. Mine was a little nastier than everybody else's. I could taste that cheese in my mouth and like, good? Yeah, it's good. Yeah, you could tell the fanatic had like pineapple earlier today. But still what a nightmare getting that out of his fur later.
Right, totally. Yeah, I mean, but hey, that's what happened. Yeah, is it my turn? Yes. Okay, so I didn't read, of course.
And so I just kind of imagine this scene between Gritty and the Philly fanatic that I just saw happening at like Woody's, which is like the big gay club in Philly. Oh, I love that. Many a night at Woody's.
Yeah. Is that the one with the piano? No.
I'm thinking of the fancy one. You're the fancy one.
Let's go. Let's paint the picture.
This is a nightclub. This is Pitbull is booming.
Yeah. All right.
So Gritty took one last sip of his margarita. It was his fifth one. So he was good and drunk. He was about to leave. And then he saw him.
Philly fanatic flocked around him where the studliest of studs begging to buy him a drink and perhaps steal a few moments with the green gazelle with a serpent's tongue. Philly fanatic batted his eyelashes and soaked in all of the attention. But he only had eyes for the only other mascot in the room, Gritty. Gritty's uncontrollable eyes lingered at Philly fanatics uncovered midriff and that succulent fat grassy ass.
Yes.
He said to himself, oh yeah, Philly fanatic is ready to get fucked. In an instant, Philly fanatic was by his side drinking his third vodka Red Bull. Want to go to the bathroom? I have Coke. Yes. Philly fanatic said swirling his long tongue in Gritty's orange ear. In the bathroom, they squeezed into a stall. Their large bodies pressed up to one another. A kiss, then another kiss, then another. Hurry up in there. A twink screams over the deafening sounds of Pitbull. Just a second, Philly fanatic said.
Then he took out his bulbous hot cough and started spraying his urine into the toilet. You do it too, he said, looking deep into the cornios of Gritty's eyeballs. Gritty did as he was told and together they sprayed their piss into the toilet. Gritty's red piss mixed with the Philly fanatic's bright blue piss and the toilet was full of a beautiful purple fluid.
Think of like something that could fill a perfume bottle. Absolutely. You know piss. You know, colorful piss. Philly fanatic kissed Gritty. I've seen like when an iced pot melts. Yeah. Oh yeah. No Jess, think of piss. Okay.
Philly fanatic kissed Gritty deeply and in a flash he disappeared. It was world one night. One that Gritty would never forget.
So they pissed in the toilet together. They pissed together and that was it. He kissed him and he disappeared. In a stall that somehow they both fit into.
That's crazy. Woody's baby. Oh my god. Wow. These are incredible. I truly am speechless.
I mean and they're all, I think we touched on a lot of kinks here. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. David's is like very romantic and like Madonna's is like yeah we're fucking dirty in a bathroom and I love it. I mean that's how I saw them. They're dirty. That's great. Dirty. It's beautiful. Yeah. Wow.
Madonna's yours was also I thought strangely romantic. It felt very much like one of those kind of like pre-sexual encounters. I was inspired by Call Me By Your Name.
Yeah. There was definitely shades of that. Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. I got that. Yeah.
That had a really cool like set in Philly though. Woody's is as close to like an Italian villa that Philadelphia has for sure. And what is like the closest to like a peach dewy thick for like Gritty to like go home to later? It feels like a hollowed out baseball no?
Yeah. Jess is right. Yeah. Jess is right. Or yeah. Yeah.
Oh a hell of a butterscotch crimp bit. Oh yes of course.
A tasty cake. A tasty cake would be perfect.
Yeah. And then you wouldn't even know the filling was any different. Yeah. Pop it in the microwave or something. Oh damn it. You're a nasty freak. Oh my goodness. Fucking a warm butterscotch crimp bit. So that is what happened. The book does and there is a little epilogue. Yes.
Where well before the epilogue by the way the Phillies still played a game in the stadium and they won. They defeated the Braves three to zero which is a hilarious detail after two mascots fuck in the middle of the stadium. You still play the game and that's the Phillies for you. Yeah. And they actually they did beat the Braves. They swept the Braves in their opening series right now. Right now they're doing great.
Yeah. I think they're like 4-0. Yeah. Damn. So this union of these two mascots really blessed the Phillies. Yes. And like in Hinduism you like throw rosewater in like rooms of a new house or like things like that. This is like that. Like you have to like fuck on the stadium floor and then it's like wow the team is blessed. Yes. I mean the fanatic does get on the ground sometimes and gives a little hum. Oh yeah. He's very sexual. Yeah. I haven't seen enough of Gritty. I only know like his kind of Antifa stuff which I do think is very funny. Yeah.
There was one great Gritty meme I saw that was like the only it was about like presidential candidates and it said the only thing that billionaires should be running for is their lives. That was very funny and accurate. But the epilogue we jump to June 25th 2019.
One of them is in labor. Is it the fanatic? No I don't remember. Well it's an egg so I'm assuming it was the fanatic that gave birth. And they gave birth to a little green and orange ball of fur named Liberty and she became the first elected female mascot president of the United States. And then um uh the fanatic says to Gritty she has your eyes your gorgeous heavenly googly eyes.
I hope they follow us forever. Oh my god. And Feen P-H-I-M. Oh god this book. It's interesting that this book also followed the trope that many of our other erotica do where the ending is like they have a family together.
Yes. Yeah.
And I do want to say again because this book was so funny. This guy did a great job. This was written by Matt Kerr Steder who I believe we found out was a friend of Brennan's. And he was a super nice guy. He told us we could read it without any issues. So thank you so much.
We truly had a blast at this one. We loved it. And we hope that you enjoy if you're listening for some reason.
Our erotica. Our erotica maybe you would want to put it into the sequel or something.
That is it guys. That is the Gritty of Brotherly Love. Now typically at the end of the podcast we like to rate it from one to five. One being dry and five being slide out of your chair.
Where did this fall on the erotic scale for you? So I think because I got not only my own interpretation of what happened but three other interpretations of what happened. I can't give this less than a five because I got all these different. Wow. In my mind because in my mind now it's not just it's not just the one sex scene. It's all four of those and you get so many different things.
Yeah. And that is a very fulfilling. Yeah. Erotica. Yeah. I from what is written it's pretty I was pretty dry. What is written. Yes. But I gotta say I mean David you're erotica in particular. I'm like I'm like four. Yeah. Right. Yeah.
To make love in the Delaware. It's been a dream of mine. To go by those big giant sea crates like just to kind of hide away. Yeah. Dip down into the brown river.
Watch a sofa you know go by as we make love. Our sofa.
Oh my god. Yeah.
I mean clearly the book it's definitely written as a comedic joke. It's super funny. I think even if you're not from Philadelphia it's very funny to read.
I mean it does hit on the tropes of erotica and it does. Yeah. Have a romance. But in itself it is not very erotic but given exactly what. Yeah. What we have heard right now. I mean yeah this was a five.
Well these erotica that we wrote ourselves were incredible. Using the characters Matt created. He clearly without his inspiration in the world that he built would not have inspired what we wrote. And I feel like what everything we wrote had a touch of what he was doing.
It was a bit of erotica and also a bit of a love to the greatest city in the motherfucking world Philadelphia. Madonna. Well um oh uh oh. I gotta say oh well you didn't read it. From what I read from what I heard from you guys it sounds like this was very involved that you know there was a lot of mentioning about Philly uh places and things. It says kung fu necktie at one point. Wow. Yeah I mean it has some deep tracks. Yeah. Um and I love Philly so much. Me too. And to have that integrated into this beautiful love story I'm gonna give it a five with a pH. Wow. Yes. Oh yeah my whore was also with a pH.
When when Gritty was created I think it was the owner of the flyers was being interviewed about why now. Why why give the flyers a mascot.
And he said you know we were looking at things and we realized that you can't you can't hug the Philadelphia flyers. You can't put up a poster. I mean you can put up a poster of the players but you know you don't have a you know there's nothing to love about the flyers inherently at first. And I think um he's like you can't hug the city of Philadelphia.
You need mascots. And I think what we learned in this in reading this. Philly fucking rules. What we learned in this in this erotica is that we also we needed to we can't make love to the city of Philadelphia. But through these mascots we can. We can absolutely fuck the city of Philadelphia. The way it deserves to be whether it's sweet and sensitive and they're in the rivers of the Delaware or whether it's fucking hot and nasty in the bathrooms of Woody's.
Amen.
From sea to shining sea baby. Where this country began. This is very patriotic.
Oh my god. I'm just so I've never had an episode where I'm so speechless. Thank you so much for listening.
We do have our assignment picked for next time if you're reading along. It's another one that's on booksea.com. It's on the same website and we'll share this on the discord.
It's called Superman Stole My Panties. It's by Kiss My Oops. I wish I knew the author's real name but that's our maybe that is their real name. Kiss My Oops Superman Stole My Panties booksea.com if you're reading along.
Thank you so much for being here guys. Thank you. Thank you guys for listening. Have a wonderful sexy week.
And visit Philadelphia.
Yay. Hi I'm Jess. If you like that subscribe to dropout where you can become a part of the exclusive dropout discord. I can even tell you my secret for solving one of these. Just take this. Hey genius. All right. Who's the smarty pants now. |
dropout | hardly_working_wolfenstein | Murph pet you guys like video games, right? Yeah, you're gonna love this. I was going through my grandpa's attic turns out He's a huge fan of Wolfenstein 3d No, oh my god, what is that the bad guy logo from Wolfenstein you remember Oh and listen putty man I don't know how to tell you this but you guys check it out I'm a bad guy from Wolfenstein. Everyone's gonna love this. Hey everyone.
Hey, Rosenberg Look what your grandfather didn't play Wolfenstein sure did. I mean look at all these achievements here Oh fuck. Oh grandpa you old nerd cosplay much come on Oh and didn't you learn about world war II in high school now I skipped mr. Sonata grass's class to go play Wolfenstein. Oh ho ho chut-chut-chut-chut to check it out Wolfenstein 3d strategy guide that's mine calm. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's German for Wolfenstein Oh my god, this book is autographed by Adolf Hitler a Name I do not know Oh, jeez, no. Oh, you found Peepaw's pictures from the Wolfenstein convention.
Oh, it's not that, dude. Hey, there's Peepaw. Whoa, this guy he's with is dressed exactly like the final boss from Wolfenstein. Oh, man, they look like good friends.
I can feel the evil coming from within this box. Oh, and think about it, those photographs are from the 30s. It is way before Wolfenstein came out. I don't know, he might have gotten an advanced copy, right? I mean, he was probably a developer.
There's like a ton of stuff in here. Blueprints, diagrams, ledgers, records, books, names. I'm sure he was working on it, it was big. Oh, it's all in here. He knew everything.
Inner circle, man. Oh, my God. You guys, I think Mike Peepaw was the first person to ever beat Wolfenstein 3D. It's this right in here, he had a final solution. Please tell me this man is dead. Nope. Healthy as a bowl. Hanging out in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. God bless him.
Come on! You can't just not know this shit. Just read a book or talk to an old person or go on the internet. Way ahead of you. Actually, I posted a lot of this stuff online. It brings out a bunch of people. Super into it. I really hope that's the end of the story.
Actually, no, because I got contacted by this underground Wolfenstein fan club. Turns out they want to come here, hold a little Wolfenstein rally here at the office. They're so huge. Yeah, they're covered in Wolfenstein tattoos. This is the third time we've accidentally invited neo-Nazis into the office, so now HR says we need to watch a movie about the Holocaust.
I decided on the first five minutes from the X-Men movie. Oh, how dare you! The treatment of mutants in that movie is very offensive.
Good day. Good arm. Hi, I'm Owen. You know, we've had a lot of fun here today, but all kidding aside, X-Men is a great film. A breakout performance from Hugh Jackman Acres is this fun, super-powered romp. |
TheOnion | Man_With_Nice_Eyes_Blown | The nation's quadriplegics immobilized on Washington in support of stem cell research. The number of songs the GOP candidates can use is down to four, and a Penn State t-shirt is awkwardly looked away from.
And now for the weekly feature your fragile, susceptible mind already has your lips salivating for. This is the Onion Week in Review.
Gushing women voters announced Monday that they just can't help but feel an uncontrollable attraction to the sexist Republican Party, saying they should know better but just can't resist the GOP's reckless neglect of women's health issues. Smitten females across the country are reportedly driven wild by the GOP's blatant chauvinism. I can't say no to bold, misogynistic politicians who think their authority extends to my uterus. Whenever you vote for a Republican, you feel like you're doing something a little bit naughty, you know?
Top officials within the U.S. military acknowledged Wednesday that they were desperate to be given just one solid war they could really knock out of the park, citing the recent string of messy, ambiguous military engagements in the Middle East. Members of the Pentagon brass called for a conflict against a sovereign nation with a standing army and a clear-cut bad guy who employs conventional tactics and weaponry. No roadside bombs, no plainclothes militants fighting out among innocent civilians. Just a fair fight where two sides shoot at each other and someone wins. We're absolutely great at that. As of Thursday, the Navy had positioned its entire Atlantic fleet off the coast of Portugal, adding it was ready to go if given the word.
Sources reported today that 10-year-old Brandon Thomas, who is currently homesick at his friend Kevin's sleepover, needs to just tough it the fuck out. I don't feel like playing Xbox right now. The pathetic little bitch who claims he just doesn't feel like eating any birthday cake or joining in any activities with his friends, frankly needs to grow a pair because his parents only live 10 minutes away for Christ's sake. Here's what the whiny pansy had to say for himself. I wasn't crying. It's just allergies. I want to go home. What a fucking wuss. In this week's Science Report, Neil deGrasse Tyson lets it slip that he's been to Mars. In other news, Scalia is unable to name all nine Supreme Court justices, a voicemail from Mom is deleted three words in, and a man with nice eyes is blown. All right now off with you. I can't have you seeing me like this. For more, visit TheOnion.com slash Newsbeat. |
cracked | 4_insane_details_behind_the_scenes_of_a_porn_shoot | Hi internet, not too long ago I had way too much fun teaching you why the sex you like to watch in Hollywood movies is actually terrible. There's a team of people watching you, just ignore the fact that six hairy dudes can see your whole butt. Yep, all the beautiful and famous celebrities that you thought were having passionate sex were actually wearing jeans and crotch socks having farty fake sex in front of a whole bunch of weird people.
That's great, that's great. Really good, you really look like you're enjoying your sex there, Angelina Jolie. Good keep it up. Antonio Banderas, could you have sex a little bit, uh, normally, like a way a normal person looks when they have sex? That's closer, I guess. Uh, good. One more time from the top, faster, better, sexier. Here we go.
When you learn that, I bet you turned to porn, a world where you know the sex isn't fake because it, because you can see the thing go right in the place. They show it. It's one of the selling points of porn. They're like, look, proof, see it went right in there. So, based on that, you'd probably think porn would be a great job because sex with beautiful people sounds like a better description than your, or let's face it, any other job ever. But, you deliberately clicked on a link for a video telling you that explicitly the opposite is true, so let's get on to why a career in porn is secretly terrible. Heh, word choice, nice, title card, good work.
You know how we learn that almost every scene in a movie, no matter how short, takes hours and sometimes days to film? That's also true of sex scenes in adult films. Ten minutes of porn takes about four hours to shoot on average. They're not shot in one continuous take because, according to Lance Hart, a porn star we spoke to, porn isn't about enjoying each other's bodies, it's about looking right on camera. Often, this means awkwardly thrusting your buttocks for hours, and I say awkwardly because the position that looks best on camera isn't always the position that looks best or feels best in real life, so you could be bent and contoured into some truly uncomfortable and unsexy positions.
It also means you might perform or receive oral sex for hours, which might sound great until you realize humans aren't supposed to do that. Now let's get tired in the same way that any body part will get fatigued after hours and hours of repeated use. If you throw a baseball over and over again, you're eventually going to lose speed and accuracy as exhaustion settles in. Similarly, if you're performing oral sex for half a day, you're going to run out of steam and your partner's going to start to feel, I mean, it's a teeth situation, you're going to feel some teeth on your parts because she's tired, man.
But, and this is important, the camera is rolling. So both of you have to pretend that hour four of this sweaty, chompy BJ is just the best feeling ever. All right, title card, you get one and you had it. Men, if you've ever thought porn sounded like a sweet gig, I applaud your confidence and or envy your ignorance. Being a male porn star means having the ability to get and sustain an erection on command multiple times a day. You can't just say, hey, everybody please leave the room and turn the lights off and just give me some privacy while I light some candles and get myself ready. Because those people are all being paid by the hour and your director has a certain number of shots that they need to get done or else they'll be behind and time is money. So you need to get an erection, even if you're supposed to be having sex with someone who is in real life married or someone you don't even like. But the lights are on, the camera is rolling, the sex wagon is also rolling. Everyone is doing their job and PS, they're all staring at your junk waiting for it to embiggen.
What? Why aren't you hard yet? If you can't get an erection on cue every time, guess what? That's considered being bad at your job in this industry. Can you handle that pressure?
I can't even pee next to someone.
Oh, speaking of that marriage thing I mentioned earlier, it's often easier to find, date and marry someone inside the industry than outside, more on that later. This means, well, every possible combination you could conceive of.
It means you might have to have sex with someone who isn't your spouse. It means you might have to have sex with someone who is married to a person that you probably know, maybe even someone on set. Okay, Brad, now in this scene, I'm gonna need you to have sex with my beautiful wife, the woman who brought our two wonderful children into this world. I need you to have sex with her and I'm gonna watch. Okay, it also means you might have to watch your wife or husband have sex with someone else and this is important, act like it's the best sex they've ever had. Look, it's your wife on camera, doing her impression of someone who has never had better sex ever. Does that resemble the way she behaves when she's having sex with you?
Just something for you to think about every minute for the rest of your life.
Maybe you're not married to another adult film star. In that case, this isn't necessarily something that happens on set, but it is a reality of the adult film industry. Dispel the myth right up top. All the adult film stars we've spoken to have been completely well-adjusted and delightful people who have fulfilling lives. They're not all damaged, as the popular stereotype suggests.
That said, trying to find a date outside of your industry is still almost impossible. I spoke to a former female porn star who preferred to go unnamed and she admitted she's lost count of the amount of boyfriends who broke up with her because they couldn't stomach the idea of her porn career even though she'd been out of the business for six years. She eventually started hiding that particular bit of her life story, which works until one of your boyfriend's friends is like, do I know you?
Did we ever meet when you were like a sexy cop or something? Why do I know what you look like naked?
It's the same for men. As soon as your potential partner finds out that you were or are in porn, that's right around the time they stop returning phone calls. Appearing in an adult film is neither a sin, nor a crime, nor a sign of emotional instability. We can all acknowledge that and know in our hearts that it's true, and we can all believe that we're progressive and open-minded. But, unfortunately, at the end of the day, it is flat-out easier to introduce your friends and parents to someone who didn't do porn than it is to introduce them to someone who did. That's what I want you to think about the next time you watch your favorite porn, or assume you don't have a favorite, the next porn you watch.
Filling a sex scene is long and difficult and awkward and smelly. We didn't even get to the smell, it smells.
Also, remember that these are real people, like you, whose lives can be tough both on and off camera. Think about that while you're watching porn. Think about me, Daniel, telling you these things. Hear my voice in your head and everything. See, load the porn, and then also load this video going simultaneously next to it.
See if they line up in any meaningful way. Let's get real weird with it.
Until next time, I've been Daniel O'Brien, your expert on ruining sex. Oh man. Graduated suma.
Dammit, is this my life now? What? The hell is he go- Where are you going?
Why are you hard? Hey everybody, thank you so much for watching.
There's only a few things that are bad about porn in this video, and I bet you know a whole lot more and a whole lot weirder things. So in the comments below, what did I miss? What are some other secretly awful things about being in porn? Other than this stuff I just said. |
cracked | why_fox_mulder_might_actually_be_a_crazy_person | Fox Mulder is the devilishly handsome mumble puppet at the center of the X-Files, the show responsible for scaring the mightiest possible f*** out of grade school science fiction fans in the 1990s with episodes about ghosts, sea monsters, prehistoric bugs, and cannibal-stretch Armstrong living in a paper mache booger hive. Mulder is an FBI agent obsessed with discovering the truth about the disappearance of his sister Samantha, whom he believes was abducted by aliens years ago when they were both children. His quest for the truth leads him to blowing the lid off a government conspiracy to populate the Earth with human alien hybrids, super soldiers, and that guy that played Shao Kahn in Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Here's what's always bugged me about the X-Files. Why would the government, which is largely controlled by the Syndicate, a shadowy organization that's sort of in cahoots with the aliens but also trying to run their own thing on the side while they're fighting with this other group of aliens...they're layers. Anyway, why would they place Mulder, their top criminal profiler, in a department that does nothing but investigate UFO sightings and alien abductions with the full resources of the FBI at his disposal? That's like hiding pornography in your mom's dresser. Sure, the X-Files are eventually closed and burned down and they throw Mulder in prison, but why did they even put him in the position to uncover their labyrinthine schemes to begin with?
Here's the thing. Maybe they didn't?
Maybe the X-Files are all in Mulder's head. The X-Files might just be the science fiction equivalent of Shutter Island, where we're watching a brilliant investigator slowly detaching from reality because of his inability to cope with a horrifying personal tragedy. I'm not saying that Mulder's sitting in some basement imagining the entire television series. That would be dumb. I'm suggesting that the show might be employing the classic storytelling device of the unreliable narrator. We're seeing Mulder's altered perspective of the people and events unfolding around him, but his version isn't completely truthful.
And it all starts with the abduction of his sister. Mulder's older sister, Samantha, was kidnapped from his family's home back when they were both kids. In his accounts of the abduction, he says that he was immobilized by a blinding light and that he felt another presence in the room as she was taken. He ultimately reasons that she was taken by aliens, the... kind, not the real kind, and that the aliens had frozen him in place with some kind of child-stealing technology. While I have no doubt that 12-year-old Mulder found himself unable to move as his sister was carried off in the night, it was almost certainly fear that rooted him down, not intergalactic telepathy. Kidnappers bursting in your house in the middle of the night would be terrifying at any age, let alone when you're in middle school. So Mulder froze up and watched as his sister was dragged away.
He blames himself for being unable to stop it. Pinning the crime on super-powered aliens is just how he rationalizes it to spare himself the guilt and shame of having failed to save her. Flash forward to Mulder as an adult, and he's obsessed with the supernatural.
He has a reputation in the FBI for being a big weirdo. His actual nickname is Spooky. Traditionally, the only people nicknamed Spooky are log flume operators and guys who own carpeted vans without any license plates on them. He never grew out of his childhood fears. That's why he's always running into ghosts and werewolves and s***.
In addition to the alien colonists he believes are responsible for his sister's abduction, he's still convinced the things hiding in his closet are real and actively out to get him. Mulder's dad, Bill Mulder, is a top-level member of the State Department. However, later on in the series, we learn that Mulder is actually the illegitimate son of the cigarette-smoking man. Another extremely high-ranking member of the government who is at the center of the nefarious syndicate. Mulder must have discovered this at some point, either in his own investigations or because one of his parents finally told him.
Either way, Mulder places Cancer Man at the center of a vast, sinister, fantastically impossible conspiracy involving aliens and virtually everything else has ever frightened him. He even makes Cancer Man the person ultimately responsible for Samantha's abduction. Why? Because Mulder hates him, both for breaking up his family and for letting him grow up believing someone else was his father. So, he plugged Cancer Man into his evil conspiracy narrative both as an unconscious coping mechanism and as the ultimate form of revenge.
When Mulder winds up in the X-Files, they assign Scully, a medical doctor, to keep an eye on him and to try to keep him grounded in reality while he's running off to Nevada chasing Ken Griffins or whatever he's looking for. Scully isn't a psychotherapist, but she's definitely keeping a medical eye on Mulder's tin-whistling lunacy. She's his doctor, not his partner, just like Mark Ruffalo in Shutter Island.
Later on, Mulder gets a different partner, Krychik, who, following the logic of this theory, is probably also a doctor. But Mulder doesn't like him. So, big surprise, Krychik turns out to be working for the Syndicate as a duplicitous henchman of Mulder's villainous father, the cigarette-smoking man. However, Mulder seems to know deep down that Krychik was really there to help him because after Krychik dies, spoilers, his ghost comes back to get Mulder out of a few jams. Whether or not Krychik actually died or was simply reassigned because Mulder hated him so much as anyone's guessed. Also, we rarely, if ever, see anyone actually handing Mulder his X-Files assignments. We'll see a cold open wherein someone is eaten by a werewolf, then the show's title sequence, and then Mulder pulling up to the sheriff's office saying, Where'd you guys have a werewolf?
He just sort of appears, inserting himself in the middle of these supernatural mysteries, oftentimes in situations where no federal crime has been committed. Those aren't real cases. That's just Mulder scouring the internet for odd news stories and then showing up to blame them on Space Ghost because he has had a complete break from reality.
The FBI won't fire him because he's one of the best profilers they've ever had and because his two dads are government royalty. They just send Scully along with him to make sure he doesn't shoot anyone.
Hey everyone, thanks for watching this video about the X-Files. If you enjoyed it, please go down to the comments and let us know maybe what some other weird crackpot theories about the X-Files could be or some other glaring oversights. Like, how come there was never an episode about a creepy tea party?
That's scary. What about skeletons? Huh? Skeletons. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_Gets_Shazam_An_Educated_Voter_A_Mind_Blowing_Transformation_More_April_29 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin, lot going on in the world, busy busy news cycle week 3 of the federal election campaign and our newsroom are going down Unlike flies to not only the COVID-19 virus but also this new thing getting around called a flu which we haven't had to worry about for a couple of years but yeah everyone's back out touching each other licking doorknobs whatever else packed out pubs packed out concerts as all the young fellas are going down today it's just us the old dogs myself Clancy Iverill and Errol Parker how are you Errol?
I'm alright mate look if I was a gambling man which I am I'm willing to put a hundred bucks on the fact that you brought back this exotic new strain of flu from Sydney when you were down there for the PWA Royal Rumble yeah that that's a big chance there were a lot of I would say immunocompromised people in that audience rather husky gents who looked like they might have had raw and honest opinions about vaccinations your people Errol but yeah I came back with a bit of a chesty kind of cough thing going on and yeah I shouldn't have been drinking out of the soda stream bottle with my mouth before I put it back into the fridge in the office no probably not that's probably why now every bed in the Battuta base hospital now is full of people with this mysterious new virus it almost seems like March 2020 all over again up here in Battuta yeah look nature is healing it's good to know that post COVID-19 people actually now stay home when they're feeling sick and once upon a time you just marched through but we've reconditioned ourselves to actually not share the virus of course that excludes myself who brought it back with me from Sydney now quickly before we launch into this show you may have been listening to our new decode series which is aimed at breaking down the world of politics using language you can understand and of course covering an in-depth analysis of the 2022 federal election campaign and if you haven't obviously we recommend you get around it for some alternate coverage of this election and as part of this series we will be going live on reddit each Tuesday for the next month to talk through everything that's been happening on the campaign trail that'll be at 6 p.m. starting this Tuesday yes it'll be a reddit talk I'm told which will feature a live Q&A section with all sorts of left field and right field and potentially depraved questions from the audience so it should be a bit of fun and we hope you can join us at 6 p.m. on Tuesday every Tuesday until Australians head to the ballot stay tuned to our socials for more on that but let's get into this week's news stories and our biggest story of the week came off the back of Anzac Day and comes from the federal election campaign it was about the Prime Minister defending being on the phone during the dawn service on Anzac Day saying and I quote I was simply trying to Shazam that catchy trumpet song yeah and there was plenty of political noise on Anzac Day Peter Dutton was trying to claim that you know we're in the 30s again and facing a repeat of World War two in what was a weird pitch to get voters to support him but it was the Prime Minister who stole the show by playing on his phone during the dawn service which as you should know is quite a sacred ceremony and not one where you should be you know fucking around on Candy Crush but Scotty has hit back at claims he was playing iPhone games insisting he was actually trying to Shazam the quirky trumpet song that they were playing at the back end of the ceremony he hadn't actually heard it before Morrison thought at the start it was at a catchy intro from hello hello by the cat Empire but he actually wanted to see what this tune was so he could learn it on the uke so tried to use that fancy app which tells you what songs being played and he did and the last post was added to his playlist and moving on to another federal election related story but one with a local twist the headline on that one reads things will be a lot worse under labor says man who's now living on credit cards and loans from daddy you spoke to this upstanding young citizen Harold tell us what he was on about so his name was William John John Taylor double-barreled first name double-barreled last name for anyone who's confused he might have four dads who knows anyway he's a full-time live at home son from our town's leafiest enclave of Batuta Grove and he's been parroting his dad's opinions to anyone who listened yes despite him living off his old man like an overgrown remor of fish for the past decade William John John Taylor is absolutely certain that life for ordinary working Australians will be much worse under a labor government and why does he say that Errol well clients he says quote interest rates inflation tax they'll all go up unemployment will be bad on top of that they want to introduce more taxes on hard-working Australians like my dad which will trickle down and harm his employees because dad won't be able to pay them properly he then asked me to join his old man in investing in his latest startup idea which I think was something to do with pets and a theory something like that also cryptocurrency in the pet world that's that's interesting leaving the world of politics now and some hard-hitting news from the city a bloke who started the Bucks party as the groom's weirdo workmate has finished the weekend as the MVP might be a familiar tale to plenty of blokes out there a local outsider has this week returned home from the Gold Coast as the legend of the Bucks party a group of men he'd never met before after starting the weekend at very poor odds Kieran James 29 was initially identified as the nameless workmate that had grown close to the buck as his closest mate in Melbourne however after 48 depraved hours his status changed dramatically yes aided by an ability to consume countless amounts of alcohol a stick of high grade Footscray cannabis and an unrelenting wit Kieran managed to leave the rest of the party in his wake eventually coming out the other side of a 48-hour bender with the title of most valuable player something which has apparently affected his performance at work this week you can understand why after three days of that kind of insanity finishing up and we've got a story that will cheer up the renters out there her local landlord has let out a defeated sigh today as a bond-ruining scratch on the floor turned out to be nothing more than a dust bunny devastating news Clancy for Battuta Grove's Gwendolyn Hopkins the owner of a swathe of investment properties that had to come to terms with the fact that she might actually have to give her tenants their bond back yes described as a renters tax Gwendolyn says she avoids paying a bond back at all costs and most of the time she's successful in doing that however this time around with tenants moving out she was unable to find anything she could use as an excuse initially she let out a shrill shriek of excitement when seeing photos of the scratch but was then hit with a sledgehammer blow of reality when she realized it was just a bit of dust on the floor that had been left behind by the removalists yes very sad indeed and I believe that brings us to the end of this weekly news bulletin I hope you've enjoyed just me and Clancy doing this I hope we don't have to do any more of this like it's 2017 all over again but hopefully next week old Wendell and Effie will be back on deck with their newly minted immune systems back on track yeah he's hoping anyway that's enough from us thanks for joining us Hurru ciao |
cracked | share_your_comedy_genius_with_cracked | Hi, it's Lex Friedman for crack.com listen crack wants you to upload videos to YouTube that are funny that you submit to our Account so that we can look at them and share your funniness if we really like it Basically if you upload funny videos other users might offer critiques of them on our message boards And if we find one that we really like we're gonna try to contact you and pay you for it We would have made a more fancy video ourselves than what you're seeing here But it's as I record this it's the day before Thanksgiving my daughter needs a bath and I need a nap You know it's Wednesday before Thanksgiving is like a Friday normally and at the correct offices Friday Starts on Thursday meaning we stopped working really Wednesday and coast for the rest of the week in anticipation of the weekend So you can imagine how this is for me So upload some videos by replying to this one and make us laugh Because we're too tired to be funding ourselves right now Thanks Submit to our account so that we can look at them and share your funniness if we really like it Basically if you upload funny videos other users might offer critiques of them on our message boards And if we find one that we really like we're gonna try to contact you and pay you for it We would have made a more fancy video ourselves than what you're seeing here But it's as I record this it's the day before Thanksgiving my daughter needs a bath, and I need a nap You know it's Wednesday before Thanksgiving is like a Friday normally and at the correct offices Friday Starts on Thursday meaning we stopped working really Wednesday and coast for the rest of the week in anticipation of the weekend So you can imagine how this is for me So upload some videos by replying to this one and make us laugh Because we're too tired to be funding ourselves right now Thanks |
dropout | did_you_kill_your_grandpa_hot_date | So me and Mendelbaum, right? We see Mandel go into the stall, so he's in the stall. Mendelbaum whips it out and starts pissing all over his feet. You're him!
Emily? Emily, it's impolite not to listen to a man when he's talking about his high school friends. I'm sorry, I'm just a little distracted. What's up?
I think my grandpa might pass away soon. Oh my God, what happened? Well, while I was driving here, I got a text from my mom saying grandpa wasn't feeling well. Then I heard a bang, and when I looked up, all I could see was him rolling off the hood of my car. So like you imagined that happening because you were emotional? What, he didn't hit your grandpa and kill him with your car? No, he was alive last I saw. What did your mom text you? She said grandpa hasn't been feeling well, so he went for a walk on the road by this restaurant. She's been texting like crazy, but I don't wanna look at it and find out he's gone, you know?
In my mind, he's still the big strong guy who can lift me and all my cousins over his head. Not the fragile old man writhing in the rearview mirror. I just feel so guilty.
Because you killed him. Because I was never there.
Not when grandma died, not when we put him in the nursing home, not when he was laid out in the street screaming, somebody called the police, my God, she hit me and she's getting away. She's a villain. Emily, tell me that you did not hit your grandpa with your car and then come straight to a restaurant. Of course not. Good. I stopped to pick up wine first. It's BYOB. Jesus, Emily, you're gonna go away for life? No jury is gonna have mercy on a woman who hit her own grandpa, ran an errand, and then went out to dinner.
Thanks, Murph. You're really making me feel a lot better. It's gonna be okay. You do not have to go down for this. One mistake does not have to ruin our life together. Murph is gonna make it right, baby.
I'm gonna wipe your phone. We're gonna get rid of the car. I'm gonna delete the text messages.
We're gonna move to IU. Wait.
Is this your grandpa? Gramps is feeling better. Will you be home for dessert? You know, I guess I just got that text from my mom and my imagination just ran wild. So then who was that old guy hit with my car?
What's up the world? From award holders Murph and Emily comes a new web series called Hot Date. That's right, it's gonna be coming to you weekly.
And if we play our cars right, maybe we'll actually win one of these. Yes, these are other people's. These are other people's. But we're holding them, so who's the real winner? |
TheOnion | Onion_Talks_Hypothetically_It_Would_Be_Okay_To_Have_Sex_With_A_Robot_Dog | It's the world's most unbreakable taboo, bestiality. Even the word makes us sick. If a person were to be intimate with a dog, for instance, that person should be locked in a cell and never seen again. It's disgusting, perverse, filthy.
But if that same person was to have sex with a robot dog, that'd be totally cool because it's not a real dog. I think it's an exciting future. Think about it. What would be wrong with having sex with a robot dog?
Nothing.
Because, again, it's not a real dog. Though, let me be clear, the robot dog would be extremely realistic. Warm fur, wet nose, cute little waggling tail. No matter how deep you go, this thing looks and feels so much like a dog that the person inside it is totally convinced that it is a real dog. Maybe it even looks like my dog, Tipsy.
But you could have sex with it and nobody would think it was weird. I certainly wouldn't.
Let's say you overheard a man having sex with a robot dog. You can hear the dog screaming and yelping in pain and even though the sounds are all pre-recorded robot noises, it really sounds bad. So you call the cops, naturally, because having sex with a real dog should obviously be a crime. So the cops show up and the guy fucking the dog says, wait a minute, it's a robot. So they call a veterinarian and even he thinks it's a real dog because he investigates and the dog's synthetic hair and skin is just that realistic. It's a metal robot underneath but it's all dog on top.
So the guy who had sex with a dog that looks like Tipsy didn't do anything wrong at all, did he? Because it's not a real dog. And in fact, maybe the guy who wants to fuck the robot dog is into robots, not dogs. He's not. It's definitely a dog thing but you don't know that for sure. Why would it be okay to have sex with a robot dog? One, it's not hurting the dog, is it? Yes, the dog is programmed not to like it but it's just a program. Two, dogs are beautiful. Three, it's not a real dog. It would get you off like a real dog but it's just a robot. In another scenario, let's say you didn't see the man having sex with a robot dog but you did walk in on him watching a video of himself having sex with a robot dog.
You'd still be this person's friend, right? You wouldn't fire him, would you? You wouldn't alert his neighbors or tell his wife because he didn't do anything wrong.
Why? Say it with me. It's not a real dog. If you want it, you could fuck a robot dog right in the face of the President of the United States and there would be nothing he could do about it. Why?
I think you know. |
dropout | what_one_year_of_trump_feels_like_ch_shorts | She's the news? I'm retired, you old poop. I don't bother with the trifles in the newspaper any longer.
I know, but listen to this. They're banning avocados because they say they sound too Mexican. God damn that, President Trump.
You know, I feel like I've aged a hundred years since he took office. I can't help but think about the time. Catherine, we were young once. Such promise. Such potential. Do you remember 2016? Yeah, I know. But what's past is in the past.
I'm looking forward. I should be able to go to my water walking class today, assuming Trump doesn't tweet something that aggravates my knees. I'll come with you. I want to feed my ducks. And the chest and express pulls into the station. She's Maddie, but she's the best.
Easy. Oh, look at you. Stand and just turn.
It will be wonderful to not have to constantly worry what disaster awaits. The stress has killed Rekha. I think we found a pretty good replacement, though.
Alerts! Oh no, what is it, robot Rekha?
Trump just said he'll never leave office because the elections can't be trusted. No. He's going to stay until he can personally check to make sure only men voted. No.
What's Congress doing? Paul Ryan said he was very concerned before returning to his flashlight made of Ayn Rand's bones. No, no. Also, he said that Maine isn't a state and that all birds are illegal now.
Oh no, Grant! Grant! And Stretch? God no, help him, you idiots!
What's wrong with him? His heart couldn't take one more Trump-related disaster. Is it because he made a Confederate flag to Ambassador degrees? Does he grab dongle and merkle by the pussy?
It was everything. The tweaks. The mandatory taco bowl dinners. Everything.
Uh. Nate Silver has Hillary up in the polls. Yeah! That's right, Grant. Hillary's the president.
You were having a bad dream, but it's over now. Sleep now, my big strong boy.
Do you mean Bernie? Yeah, Bernie. Sure. Whatever.
Millionaires. And. Billionaires.
Oh! Grant! And Stretch? If we were buggin' up by you, take it hard. Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry. Guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can like, I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay. Uh. Thanks for watching! |
dropout | mcfuneral | We are gathered here today to say goodbye to a great man. Sure he was responsible for fattening up American kids and his apple pies have scorched countless mouths, but he was an innovator, he was a leader, and most importantly, he was our friend. We will miss him dearly.
Who would have guessed it'd be a massive coronary, diabetes, and total organ failure that killed him? I think everybody would have guessed that, Grimace. The man ate 12 Big Macs a day for 50 years, it's a miracle it didn't happen sooner.
No offense. None taken.
Sorry I'm late. You missed the service. I told you not to have it before 11, breakfast just ended.
Grab a drink. Fry guy was about to do a toast. When I think of Ronald, I'm reminded of a poem by Maya Angelou. It begins with- I'm glad that clown is dead. Get the hell out of here, Hamburglar. This is a private gathering.
Oh, I think I'll stick around, thank you very much. You see, I did time for that red-haired prick, and I've kept my mouth shut about all of you for long enough. Okay, just take it easy.
What's the matter, Big Mac? Ronald's not here to protect you anymore. Tell me, who's gonna keep your name out of the paper next time you strangle another hooker? Big Mac, you've brought shame to us all. Oh, you're no angel, Mr. Mayor.
Who do you think kept you in office, unopposed, for all those years? What do you think happened to all your competitors?
Hey, that's enough out of you, Hamburglar. That's right, your precious clown had me chop them all up and turn them into McNuggets. What? We're made of chopped up politicians? Well that and chicken genitals. Hamburglar, why are you doing this? Oh, buddy.
How's your daughter? Did you ever tell her who her real father was?
Does she know about the night of passion in the hamburger patch? Mommy. We in the car, honey. Okay. As for you, Grimace, let's just say you really enjoyed picking from the kid's menu, didn't you? Now, with all the formalities out of the way, listen up. I'm running McDonaldland now and things are gonna be a lot different around here.
Hahahaha. That was... Holy shit! |
TheOnion | Group_Of_Hunky_Cardinals_Appeals_To_Pope_To_Relax_Celibacy_Requirement | A group of hunky cardinals appeals to Pope Benedict to relax the celibacy requirement. A capricious god violently shakes an ant farm the day after bestowing orange slices on the colony, and a plane is making a different noise now according to a man who's always certain he's about to die. Anything even slightly more abstract than this quickly scrolling newsprint and large logo would surely bewilder your unrefined visual palette. This is The Onion week in review. Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent the majority of his visit at an Ohio-based paper factory yelling at employees to work harder, sources said Tuesday. Romney reportedly arrived at the Gregson-Turner paper company at approximately 10 a.m. and within minutes was mercilessly hounding workers all throughout the paper's production cycle to, quote, get their ax together and start pounding out some paper.
Shoppers at a Hannaford supermarket could only speculate that the middle-aged woman angrily demanding a price check on a pack of rice pudding was once a carefree youth. I don't care what it says on your screen, you know, this is why people go to the store across the street because of the way they're treated here, you know, nobody likes it here. Those watching the woman angrily asking for a manager over a $1.20 price difference imagined that the woman was once a fresh-faced college graduate, two-spirited and fun-loving to throw a bitter tantrum in front of a room of complete strangers. She was probably once just some freewheeling college kid, you know. Her biggest concern was which one of her friends she was going to hang out with at night and whether they were going to meet at the movies or a bonfire on the beach. Now look at her, you know, I'll bet if you'd have told her 10 or 15 years ago that one day she'd be ripping into a grocery store clerk with a room full of strangers staring at her, she'd have been horrified, sad.
Filmmaker Peter Jackson talked for an extended period of time Sunday about his personal Hobbit friends, which was either the beginnings of a brilliant marketing strategy for his forthcoming adaptation of The Hobbit or a sign that the director is completely losing his grip on reality and is on the verge of a full-on mental breakdown. Describing in great detail his relationships with Bilbo, Frodo and other members of the fictional race imagined by J.R.R. Tolkien in the 1930s, the Academy Award winner's comments were either carefully orchestrated by New Line Cinema or symptomatic of severe clinical paranoia. Jackson's in-depth stories of his time living in the Shire with Samwise Gamgee really show you a director eager to bring the world of Middle Earth to his audiences, but of course could just be the ramblings of a very mentally ill man. And in this weekend's Onion Magazine, our editors salute the American father. In other news, the deep orange sun beautifully sets on Topher Grace's career. A few years in the military would have really straightened out a troubled teen killed in Afghanistan, and a man on the verge of self-realization instead turns to God. You may now immediately return to the social media site your spasmodic fingers are already typing into the address bar. But after that, visit theonion.com slash Newsbeat for more. |
ClickHole | this_guy_perfectly_explains_global_warming_probably | Hey guys, I know a lot of people get confused about global warming and what it is exactly, and I think I found this video that actually perfectly sums it up. So check it out. Hi guys, Mike the weather guy here, and today I'm going to be explaining to you how global warming works. So in full disclosure, I don't actually know very much about global warming or science, but I think this is probably a good explanation of what it is. Okay. People tell me that they don't want to debate climate change deniers because they don't know how to explain all that science-y stuff. I mean, I'm sure he knows what he's talking about. Why would he make this video otherwise, right? But it's actually pretty simple.
Definitely heard that one before. That's one of the big things.
Earth absorbs sunlight in the form of visible light energy, which heats up the planet. Since all that heat can't be bottled up forever, it releases it back into the atmosphere in the form of infrared light energy. Now, greenhouse gases in the environment, like methane and carbon dioxide, let visible light energy pass through, but they trap infrared light energy before releasing it into space. This is good in that the trapped heat keeps the planet from freezing over.
Yep. He just nailed it on the head, probably. Right there.
Since the beginning of the industrial age, human activity has increased the amount of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere dramatically, causing more energy to stay trapped in our atmosphere, heating up the planet to dangerous levels. To illustrate a little more... Okay, I mean, I'm sure there's more to global warming than this, but this is just the main stuff. More simply, imagine being stuck in a hot room. Now, it used to be that you could just open the window to even out the temperature in the room, but now there's a film over the window that keeps getting thicker and thicker, making it more difficult for heat to escape. And that's sort of how global warming works.
Yeah, that's a good, it's a pretty good explanation. That makes sense to me. And that oversimplifies the concept a bit, but really it's not all that complicated. So go forth and debate with confidence. You know, I'm sure it's actually really hard to perfectly summarize a concept like this in just a minute, but I think this is good. I'm Mike the weather guy. Thanks for watching. Yeah. Yeah, well, I think that just about covers it. I think this is really the perfect explanation for how global warming works, maybe. I mean, I don't really know. |
SaturdayNightLive | vinny_vedecci_talks_with_shia_labeouf_snl | I got arrested for a misdemeanor crime. I was smoking a cigarette in Burbank. you were having a cigarette after you murdered someone and they caught you. No, I got arrested just for smoking. just for smoking?
In your country, I would die in jail. Yes, I think it'd be very hard for you.
Indiana Jones. Yeah, Indiana Jones. I do dubbing for Italian Indiana Jones films. really? Oh, you're one of the voices. Si, I am one of the voices. are you Indiana Jones? you do Harrison Ford's voice?
Uh, no. no, no, no. clip. clip. Oh, you got a clip? Yeah, clip. Oh, great. Well, roll the clip.
Aah! Ay, morse a la rambe. you really didn't fit very well with the scene. Grazie. Grazie. you are a very kind woman. we'll talk about this, all right? Ah, yes, because you have a, uh, penis. Ay.
Indiana Jones. what are his likes and dislikes? Indiana Jones? Si, Si, Si. what does he like? um, adventure.
What does he dislike, eh? evil. he hates evildoers. What does he hate? Oh, yeah, he hates snakes. he hates snakes! He hates snakes! Indiana Jones hates snakes! Yeah, he hates them. in the film, Disturbia. he's his brother.
I see. Oh, that's all the time we have. So sorry to the other Transformers. |
dropout | high_times_editorial_office_episode_4 | What makes you think you can be our new delivery guy? My weed is hand-picked by a team of shaved eunuchs in the gardens behind my palace in Kokoda. Why would you use eunuch? And then flown via private jet to the U.S. Check the shit out, man. Sophie's Choice, napalm rainbow, and red Sophie's Choice.
How much? It's gonna be $5,000 an hour.
Get the fuck out of my office. It's worth it. Anelson, get the fuck out of my office.
I'm sorry. No, this is gonna be mine now. Can I have that bottle back? I'm gonna keep this one, though. This has been a terrible day for me.
In turn. Yeah?
Untoast this bread. How would I? Why would you want me to? Because I don't want hard, crispy bread touching my sensitive lips. Well, why don't I just go out and buy new bread, then? We don't pay you to buy new bread. We pay you to untoast toasted bread.
You have ten minutes. I don't know where it's from, man. My backpack? I don't know. Before you put it in your backpack, where did you get it? It's dark. I think behind a Discovery Zone in Weehawken.
How much do you want for this? $1,000 or the next best offer. I'll give you $500.
Going once. There's nobody else in the room.
So? Are you kidding me? I want to give you $5,000! $5,000! I got my lead back. Where is that smell? Yo! I heard we got a new delivery guy.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
He's young. He's cheap. And he's being arrested right now.
Everybody hide your weed! And hide everything! You gotta take that off! Take it off!
I need an hour and a wrench. Go! Everybody! This is it! This is a big one! And make sure you're not just taking it out of one drawer and putting it in another! Get a hold of yourself! Get rid of it! I can't find the last piece of the sky! Whoa! You know you're in there! Prove it!
Morning officers. It's 5 p.m.
Ah, here are your numbers, man, I see. Good. Stick to the books.
You would happen to know if there was any illegal activity on this floor, would you? We don't do that anymore. We're actually now a, um... iPad repair shop! iPad repair shop? That's what we do now, so...
Really? Yep. I only see one iPod. It's a doozy. You wouldn't mind if it took a look around for anything suspicious now, would you? Of course not. You guys are police officers. Mm-hmm. That's right, don't forget it. Nope.
NYPD's finest bucko. I can tell you, you smell like musk.
I have a problem. What? I can't really deal with having elbows right now. Why? They're so fragile. They're like little balls splitting up my arms. Try to keep it clear, man. I'd do anything to have straight, locked arms right now.
You! Us!
I'm watching you. Thank you for your time. See you later. Take care. Coming in soon. I like your stick. Yep. You have a nice little stick. Take one. Bye.
I did it! Ooh! |
dropout | guy_fieri_as_a_jeff_buckley_song | Hey gang, Sam here. We at College Humor believe that music is all around us, even in the mouths of those who absolutely did not want or intend for it to be. In this new series, we've partnered with composer Nick Letzko to take real words from real people and turn them into the songs that they were always meant to be. Please enjoy Dropout Music.
I'm Gaffi Eddy. I'm the male flavor town.
Oh, but I'm already kiddin' glassy-eyed. It's legit going down, seriously, out of bounds. I've been everywhere's heart, so be careful with it. Set that on my flip-flop bottle and it don't give a shit.
I live the way I wanna live. I gotta do things that turn me on. Phenomenal chicken salad, really good mac and cheese. 16 pounds of pepperoni, the little subtleties, my flavor jets turn on. Make me hear the sirens go on. I'm on my way to flavor town. Shoveless is fast as I carry my face in the kingdom of flavor town. My food is real, my food is home.
Humongous, now I just wrapped it for the town. I'm Gaffi Eddy. Got tattoos, bleached hair, just a cold whatever do.
Golden flavor town just keeps sucking me back. I'm on my way to flavor town. 12 bag of beer, a rice in the kingdom of flavor town. Let's get shit straight, let's shoot your gangster. You gotta get big mountains, they're so funky. Flourish myself up on the freight chain of flavor town. Prairie flows through rivers of flavor town. If it's funky, I'll find it in private town. I'm on my way to flavor town.
I'm Gaffi Eddy. Drop out, do it. |
SaturdayNightLive | donald_rumsfeld_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Uh, good afternoon. Today marks the end of the sixth week of our military campaign in Afghanistan. although the campaign continues to meet with success, let me remind you, as I've done many times before, it's only part of the larger War on Terror. Now, I'm gonna be happy to take any questions you may have. Yes. today also marks the beginning of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. does the U.s. plan on suspending its bombing campaign during this period? Do we plan. do we plan to cease bombing during Ramadan? I suppose my answer to that would be, I'm not gonna tell ya. Yes. we're getting reports of U.s.
Special Ops forces being dropped into Taliban areas with camouflage and night-vision goggles. This means the Taliban soldiers won't be able to see our troops, but will be able to see them.
Is that fair? Is it fair? I imagine my reply would be that life itself is not fair. then war, one tries to maximize one's advantage, fair or unfair, wherever possible.
Yes.
Yes, with our military campaign stalled and the opposition forces seemingly bogged down in a quagmire, isn't there a danger? the U.s. will look like a weakling and thus lose the support of the Afghan people? isn't that the same question you asked last week? Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, with our military campaign moving so rapidly and opposition forces easily overrunning Taliban areas, isn't there a danger? The U.s. will look like a bully and thus lose the support of the Afghan people? That sounds like an interesting question, and certainly well-intentioned, but I'm going to be honest with you, I'd drift it off in the middle of it. Yes. we're being told that Northern Alliance forces are firing back at Taliban troops who have fired on them, even though the Taliban troops missed. does the U.s. condone that?
What kind of question is that? thought-provoking? no. incisive? no. remember what I said about your question the other day? that it was idiotic? And? and that I'm an embarrassment both to myself and to my newspaper? That's right. Yes, you have a question. No, no. you had your hand up. Well, I did, but I don't want to ask my question anymore. Why not? too scared. All right, does anyone else have any questions? Nobody? All right, I have a question. Why am I doing this? I had a satisfying, highly paid career in the private sector. What would possess me to take this job so I could stand here day after day and answer a lot of fool questions from a collection of Cretan's hacks and angry lesbians such as yourselves? What was I thinking? can one of you tell me? Yes. Why do we have to answer questions?
Because it's my press briefing, and I say so. Colin Powell doesn't make us answer questions. Is that a fact? Colin Powell is nice.
Well, I'm nice, too. I seem to be tough on you. it's because I love you. Yes. Isn't there a danger that your tough love approach will make you seem mean, thus losing the support of the Washington Press Corps as well as the Afghan people? Perhaps in the short run, but one day I suspect they'll thank me.
Any other questions? Yes. can you tell us anything about how Saturday Night Live plans to open its show this week? No. any other questions? nobody? |
TheOnion | Many_Doctors_Say_It_s_High_Time_To_Legalize_Marijuana_Season_1_Ep_3_on_IFC | And now the battle to legalize medical marijuana is heating up across the country. Our Onion News Network medical correspondent Alex Edelman filed this report about the controversial issue. Thanks Brooke. To some, smoking marijuana to relieve pain sounds like an idea thought up by Bob Marley, not a doctor. But the push to legalize marijuana is gaining momentum. And doctors say these prescription doobies will do a whole lot more than just give patients a case of the munchies. Proponents are piping up to say that medical marijuana can help patients with some of the chronic illnesses that have been majorly killing their buzz. To those who are sick and dying, this may be very groovy news indeed. Prescribing medical marijuana to patients with terminal illnesses is often preferable to more traditional forms of pain management.
Unfortunately, 36 U.S. states are still not a kind bud of the legalization argument. But in states that do have the plan, the results have been, well, pretty far out, man.
To help him cope with the total bummer of stomach cancer, Fred Galen took the trippy advice of his doctor and sought out the second opinion of Dr. Feelgood.
Hey, high five. How's that girlfriend of yours? Girlfriend?
Mary Jane. Hoping you'd take the edge off of cancer? Yes, actually, marijuana is making my final months much more comfortable. Oh, yeah, I bet. What a long, strange trip it's been, huh? What do you mean, cancer? Cancer. Yeah, it has.
Even though I'm dying, the states still say they might prosecute me. And it's crazy. It's not fair. It's reefer sadness. States nationwide are bluntly asking state legislatures to finally mellow out and let them score some primo prescription pot so that they and their doctors can work jointly to stop the suffering that's making a hash of their lives. So it's clearly an issue that means a lot to these patients. It is, Brooke. So states shouldn't toke their time with this policy. We'd be upset if patients had to wait a bong time. Thank you, Alex. It's interesting to learn that marijuana can help patients by getting them high. You wouldn't think that a drug could act as a medicine for cancer. |
cracked | one_major_reason_amazon_sucks_cracked_explains | Jeff Bezos is building a giant clock in a mountain. Your prime purchases fund a neonatal kitten rescue, and amazon.com never shamelessly rips off the product designs of its competitors. Hi, I'm Greg. The clock is in Texas. Smile has donated more than $200 million to charities like ones that save newborn cats.
And unfortunately, someone on Amazon's product development team is just a Xerox machine with a mustache. Knockoffs have long plagued the world's largest online retailer.
But I'm not talking about full exes, couch bags, and chair ordins. I'm talking about lower stakes ripoffs of things like office supplies and backpacks that don't carry much street value. Believe me, I know.
Counterfeit goods are a huge business making up more than 3.3% of all world trade. And between oven gloves, baby food, umbrellas, bird feeders, lightning cables, Birkenstocks, and whatever else was on your wedding registry, thousands upon thousands of phony products from Amazon have already been sold, shipped, and stolen off our collective porches. Now, it's not just that feeding your infant tainted baby food isn't much of a prime benefit. Brands like Nike take intellectual property quite seriously. And after Amazon was overrun with Nikkei knockoffs, they took their ball and left the site in 2017. That's why in 2020, Amazon launched its counterfeit crimes unit enlisting former federal prosecutors, investigators, and data nerds to spearhead the worst Dick Wolf spinoff to date. But as they dust robots for prints and run employee piss bottles through a comprehensive DNA analysis, Amazon needs to muster up some serious self-awareness because the call is coming from inside the box. Imitations of name brand products are incredibly common. They're known as white label or private label goods, which are manufactured by a third party and sold by another company under its own brand. You've probably had Dr. Pepper, Duracell batteries, and Lysol wipes on your shopping list at some point, only to settle for a money-saving alternative bottle of Dr. Thunder, Kirkland's signature double A's, and nice disinfecting wipes.
Nice, nice. It's a nice business. One out of every five products sold is said to be from a retailer's own brand. And there's nothing inherently wrong with giving consumers choice or at least the illusion of choice.
Don't tell the captain, but Trader Joe's pita chips are actually just Stacy's pita chips. Sorry, Stace.
Amazon started playing with privates in 2009 with the launch of Amazon Basics. It began as a simple line of essentials like HDMI cables before expanding into additional product lines, including food, furniture, and clothing. Now, the issue here isn't that Amazon is making its own private label generics. It's that Amazon is shamelessly duplicating products of all shapes and sizes. Now, the company has long maintained that it's simply following the standard retail industry practice of offering products inspired by broader consumer trends. And in the rare circumstance in which things are nearly identical but just different enough to avoid patent infringement, ours goes ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. It's probably just a coincidence. In 2010, a tripod company called Pirate Trading, which scours the seven Cs for stable land, sold billions of dollars worth of camera accessories on Amazon. And in 2011, Amazon released its own version of those trendy products as Amazon Basics, which were basically identical down to the very same design and manufacturer. And over the next few years, Pirate's tripods were repeatedly banned from being sold on Amazon due to authenticity issues, presumably because they infringed upon the design of an infringed design. Not that it mattered. Amazon's versions were sold at such a low price, Pirate Trading's owner claimed that it was cheaper for them to buy Amazon's version, repackage it, and resell it rather than manufacture their own original version in some sort of bizarre steamed-hams business model.
Delightfully devilish, Seymour.
A similar thing happened a few years later with an aluminium laptop stand to match your aluminium MacBook. Aluminium, aluminium, aluminium. For years, tech accessory maker Rain Design had a best-selling laptop stand that sold for $43 on Amazon. And in July of 2016, Amazon released an Amazon Basics equivalent for half the price, both of which are far more expensive than a pile of books you can't bring yourself to throw out, even though you probably shouldn't. Now, if ripping off small accessory makers seems like small potatoes for one of the world's largest companies, you're wrong, and they'll have those potatoes at your doorstep in two hours. But Amazon's willing to imitate larger, well-established companies as well.
Here's Amazon's Allbirds. Amabirds. Allazons. Ambersods.
Whatever, you're not going to wear socks and your feet will smell terrible.
In this instance, the CEO of Allbirds took the episode in stride, and even used the opportunity to urge Amazon to rip off their sustainable manufacturing processes while their fingers were still hovering over Command-C. Amazon is also willing to target its fellow conglomerates, like millennial homepage West Elm.
Here's their orb chair. And here's a completely different chair from Amazon's Rivet furniture brand. Coincidentally, they both came to the same conclusion that an orb has a flat bottom.
This one was so blatant, Amazon was sued by West Elm's parent company, William Sonoma. Their lawsuit stated that, it is implausible that Amazon could have conceived of a product line with nearly identical product descriptions other than by intentionally undertaking to copy the West Elm product line.
The lawsuit was settled in 2020, and Amazon's chair is no longer available for purchase. I'm afraid you'll have to sit somewhere else.
Using data to create and sell products is not unique. An IBM survey found that 62% of retailers use data and analytics to gain a competitive edge. But because Amazon sells far more products than a traditional retailer, they're able to gain the upper hand through the sheer amount of data that's generated on its platform, like product search terms.
Let's take a look at the Away suitcase, the best way to tell the airport that you listen to a podcast. Away purposely doesn't sell their products on Amazon because they prefer to own their customer data. But Amazon knows that searches for Away suitcases are popular on its site. So they offer up their own strikingly similar Amazon Basic suitcase.
Down to the logo in the upper right-hand corner. One says I'm a rip-off, one says I got ripped off.
But third parties that do choose to sell on Amazon generate tons of data, like insights into how long someone looked at a product page before deciding they didn't want to buy it. Much of this third-party seller data is supposed to be proprietary, and Amazon claims that employees are forbidden from using this information to develop competing products. But in congressional testimony, Jeff Bezos admitted that he- I can't guarantee you that that policy has never been violated.
Maybe it's happened. Perhaps it's happened. There's a small chance it could have happened. It's not impossible, it's happened!
And an independent Wall Street Journal report found that Amazon has in fact used this data to create its own competing products. They used information about which product categories are worth competing in, which features are worth copying, and how much to price something. In the example of the Fordham Car Trunk organizer, Amazon employees peeped on product sales and marketing information before introducing their own solution to too much junk in the trunk. And in what's perhaps the most egregious example of all, besides this, Amazon's not even doing a good job of covering its tracks. Peak Design's $99 everyday sling became Amazon's carbon copy $32 everyday sling, down to the very URL. After Peak Design released a now viral video highlighting this, making light of the fact that, yeah, they're both the same thing, Amazon did the right thing and changed the URL while keeping the product up for sale. In November, European Union regulators hit Amazon with antitrust charges regarding their dual role as a marketplace service provider and as a retailer on that same marketplace. They stated that, the conditions upon competition on the Amazon platform must also be fair and that its rules should not artificially favor Amazon's own products. In the US, and I trust experts believe that it's a classic case of owning the rails. Amazon is both a necessary infrastructure and a competitor within the infrastructure they own. Now, speaking as a very cheap, Michael Cera, Chris Martin and Jesse Eisenberg knockoff, I understand what it's like to be a watered down alternative to the real thing. And I'm not saying that I don't want Amazon to make its own product. I love getting 18 packs of Presto paper towel delivered to my one bedroom apartment because I'm too lazy to walk one block to the right aid for some bounty. But due to Amazon's sheer size and the necessity of its service, they can look at any product category, suck up some data and crush the competition in an instant.
Nike might be able to afford to get by without them. Executives can even make a pretty penny just by funneling inventory to their kids Instagram accounts. But if you're a small or growing company, relying on Amazon is often a necessary evil due to the size, reach and convenience of its platform. One possible antitrust remedy would be to sever the Amazon marketplace where the third party sellers list their products from Amazon altogether, eliminating potential conflicts of interest. And even though this would mean that third party sellers couldn't hawk their wares as they do today, at least they would know that creating a bestseller on Amazon wouldn't immediately turn it into a bestseller for Amazon. Of course, splitting up parts of the company like that would likely require some sort of government intervention. But if Amazon really wanted to step up and do the right thing here, they could always lean into their natural instincts by copying another successful concept from their very own founder, an amicable divorce, probably common.
They're known as white label or private label goods, which are manufactured by a third party and sold by another company under its own brand. You've probably had Dr. Pepper, Duracell batteries and Lysol wipes on your shopping list at some point, only to settle for a money-saving alternative bottle of Dr. Thunder, Kirkland's signature double A's and nice disinfecting wipes. Nice, nice. It's a nice business. One out of every five products sold is said to be from a retailer's own brand. And there's nothing inherently wrong with giving consumers choice or at least the illusion of choice.
Don't tell the captain, but Trader Joe's pita chips are actually just Stacy's pita chips. Sorry, Stace.
Amazon started playing with privates in 2009 with the launch of Amazon Basics. It began as a simple line of essentials like HDMI cables before expanding into additional product lines, including food, furniture and clothing. Now, the issue here isn't that Amazon is making its own private label generics. It's that Amazon is shamelessly duplicating products of all shapes and sizes. Now, the company has long maintained that it's simply following the standard retail industry practice of offering products inspired by broader consumer trends. And in the rare circumstance in which things are nearly identical, but just different enough to avoid patent infringement, ours goes ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. It's probably just a coincidence. In 2010, a tripod company called Pirate Trading, which scours the seven Cs for stable land, sold billions of dollars worth of camera accessories on Amazon. And in 2011, Amazon released its own version of those trendy products as Amazon Basics, which were basically identical down to the very same design and manufacturer. And over the next few years, Pirates Tripods were repeatedly banned from being sold on Amazon due to authenticity issues, presumably because they infringed upon the design of an infringed design. Not that it mattered. Amazon's versions were sold at such a low price, Pirate Trading's owner claimed that it was cheaper for them to buy Amazon's version, repackage it, and resell it rather than manufacture their own original version in some sort of bizarre steamed hams business model.
Delightfully devilish, Seymour.
A similar thing happened a few years later with an aluminium laptop stand to match your aluminium MacBook. Aluminium, aluminium, aluminium. For years, tech accessory maker Rain Design had a best-selling laptop stand that sold for $43 on Amazon. And in July of 2016, Amazon released an Amazon Basics equivalent for half the price, both of which are far more expensive than a pile of books you can't bring yourself to throw out, even though you probably should. Now, ripping off small accessory makers seems like small potatoes for one of the world's largest companies, you're wrong, and they'll have those potatoes at your doorstep in two hours. But Amazon's willing to imitate larger, well-established companies as well.
Here's Amazon's Allbirds. Amabirds. Allazons. Amberzods.
Whatever, you're not going to wear socks and your feet will smell terrible.
In this instance, the CEO of Allbirds took the episode in stride and even used the opportunity to urge Amazon to rip off their sustainable manufacturing processes while their fingers were still hovering over Command-C. Amazon is also willing to target its fellow conglomerates like millennial homepage, West Elm.
Here's their orb chair. And here's a completely different chair from Amazon's Rivet furniture brand. Coincidentally, they both came to the same conclusion that an orb has a flat bottom.
This one was so blatant, Amazon was sued by West Elm's parent company, William Sonoma. Their lawsuit stated that, it is implausible that Amazon could have conceived of a product line with nearly identical product descriptions other than by intentionally undertaking to copy the West Elm product line.
The lawsuit was settled in 2020 and Amazon's chair is no longer available for purchase. I'm afraid you'll have to sit somewhere else.
Using data to create and sell products is not unique. An IBM survey found that 62% of retailers use data and analytics to gain a competitive edge. But because Amazon sells far more products than a traditional retailer, they're able to gain the upper hand through the sheer amount of data that's generated on its platform, like product search terms.
Let's take a look at the Away suitcase. The best way to tell the airport that you listen to a podcast. Away purposely doesn't sell their products on Amazon because they prefer to own their customer data. But Amazon knows that searches for Away suitcases are popular on its site. So they offer up their own strikingly similar Amazon basic suitcase down to the logo in the upper right hand corner.
One says I'm a rip off, one says I got ripped off. But third parties that do choose to sell on Amazon generate tons of data, like insights into how long someone looked at a product page before deciding they didn't want to buy it. Much of this third party seller data is supposed to be proprietary and Amazon claims that employees are forbidden from using this information to develop competing products. But in congressional testimony, Jeff Bezos admitted that he- I can't guarantee you that that policy has never been violated.
Maybe it's happened. Perhaps it's happened. There's a small chance it could have happened. It's not impossible. It's happened.
And an independent Wall Street Journal report found that Amazon has in fact used this data to create its own competing products. They used information about which product categories are worth competing in, which features are worth copying, and how much to price something. In the example of the Fordham car trunk organizer, Amazon employees peeped on product sales and marketing information before introducing their own solution to too much junk in the trunk. And in what's perhaps the most egregious example of all, besides this, Amazon's not even doing a good job of covering its tracks. Peak Design's $99 everyday sling became Amazon's carbon copy, $32 everyday sling, down to the very URL. After Peak Design released a now viral video highlighting this, making light of the fact that, yeah, they're both the same thing, Amazon did the right thing and changed the URL while keeping the product up for sale. In November, European Union regulators hit Amazon with antitrust charges regarding their dual role as a marketplace service provider and as a retailer on that same marketplace. They stated that, the conditions upon competition on the Amazon platform must also be fair and that its rules should not artificially favor Amazon's own products. In the US, antitrust experts believe that it's a classic case of owning the rails. Amazon has built a necessary infrastructure and a competitor within the infrastructure they own. Now, speaking as a very cheap, Michael Serra, Chris Martin and Jesse Eisenberg knock off, I understand what it's like to be a watered down alternative to the real thing. And I'm not saying that I don't want Amazon to make its own product. I love getting 18 packs of Presto paper towel delivered to my one bedroom apartment because I'm too lazy to walk one block to the right aid for some bounty. But due to Amazon's sheer size and the necessity of a service, they can look at any product category, suck up some data and crush the competition in an instant.
Nike might be able to afford to get by without them. Executives can even make a pretty penny just by funneling inventory to their kids Instagram accounts. But if you're a small or growing company, relying on Amazon is often a necessary evil due to the size, reach and convenience of its platform. One possible antitrust remedy would be to sever the Amazon marketplace where the third party sellers list their products from Amazon altogether, eliminating potential conflicts of interest. And even though this would mean that third party sellers couldn't hawk their wares as they do today, at least they would know that creating a best seller on Amazon wouldn't immediately turn it into a best seller for Amazon. Of course, splitting up parts of the company like that would likely require some sort of government intervention. But if Amazon really wanted to step up and do the right thing here, they could always lean into their natural instincts by copying another successful concept from their very own founder, an amicable divorce. |
cracked | five_stages_of_watching_a_biopic_feat_onlyleigh | I'm super excited about this one. Me too! It's about time they made a movie about this guy. Right? Always been a fan. Super interesting life. And so accomplished. Absolutely. Totally. So awesome.
We have no idea who this movie is based on, do we? Not a clue. Did that really happen? I don't know. Did that really happen? Still don't know. Did he really meet the president? Dunno. Did his mother really go to the moon? I do not know.
Does he really look like Adam Driver?
I don't. Wait, that's a good question actually. Hold on. Absolutely not. Nope.
According to his wiki page, this guy had a pretty tragic life. You should probably brace yourself.
This gal knows how to sausage is made. That's disgusting. You see, I'm what you call an educated moviegoer, my friend. I'm basically only here for the direction of cinematography at this point.
So no worries, I'm totally immune. Those things never get to me.
I can't believe his dog died. Yep. And his cat got cancer. I know. And his house burned down. Yeah. And his arms fell off. Told you so.
Oh my god, shut up. Does the cat make it? Should I spoil it? No. Yes. He does not. Oh, come on.
Wow. That was amazing.
I am so, so inspired. I can genuinely say my life has been divided to before watching this movie and after watching this movie. I want to save society. I want to help people. I want to make the world a better place. No, I will make the world a better place. I'm done spending my life on frivolous moviegoing and complaining about directors and characters and plot lines.
I'm going to make something of myself. I'm going to be somebody. Yes, you do that. And so will I. This isn't an end of an era. I think this is the beginning of something very, very special. |
cracked | 5_forgotten_actually_scary_scooby_doo_moments_canonball | Scooby-Doo has been on the air for well over half a century, and throughout its dozens of TV shows and movies, the franchise has mostly stuck to the same formula. Some old guy repurposes some old costume from his sexy role-play days to pull off a real estate or insurance scam, but is foiled by a talking dog and a bunch of meddling kids always played by clearly 20-something-year-olds in the live-action movies.
Are you okay? I'm good.
But the key word there is mostly, which can be a pretty scary word. It's like if someone told you, hey, that burger you're eating is mostly beef. Or if your doctor said, your brain is mostly flesh-eating bacteria-free. It would naturally worry you.
And it should worry you in Scooby-Doo's case, which, yes, mostly stayed faithful to its classic formula. But the few times it didn't, it ventured straight into full-blown horror territory. So let's take a look at the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable examples of Scooby-Doo trying to make its audience drop a Scooby-Dookie in their pants. We're talking about sacrificing humans to cat gods, Cronenbergian horrors almost destroying the planet, and just so much dog incest.
This is Cannonball. Number 5.
The Scooby Apocalypse comic. Scooby Apocalypse is a comic first released in 2016, which re-imagines the franchise in a post-apocalyptic setting.
In this universe, Velma and her brothers created nanovots that were supposed to infect all of humanity and purge all of our worst qualities, like greed, violence, and that thing where someone sends a ton of short, choppy texts instead of just one coherent sentence? What is up with that? Anyway, Velma's bros modify the nanite's code to be able to secretly control humans. She tries to stop them, something goes wrong, and the nanites end up mutating people into cannibalistic monsters that would instantly have Cronenberg reaching for the lotion.
From there, the comic becomes your standard zombie survival story, only featuring the Scooby gang in brand new roles. Shaggy, for example, is now a surprisingly handsome dog trainer. Scooby is the result of an experiment to raise dogs' intelligence and turn them into weapons. And it worked, as evidenced by a scene of Scoob ripping out a mutant's throat with his teeth.
Some of the creepiest highlights of the comic include an insane mutant who thinks he's a doctor and tortures people with surgical instruments that he keeps stabbed in his arm. There's also the story of the mutants building a statue to Velma's brother Rufus, the main person responsible for the nanite outbreak. He goes insane, tries to be the mutant's god, but ends up placed inside his own statue and wicker-manned.
Bees? There's also some non-gory, yet still very disturbing stuff in the comic, like Fred getting zombified and Daphne considering suicide in order to escape the Fred-less hell that the world has become. The comic definitely tried to be too edgy sometimes, but when it came to the monster designs and some character moments, it created some pretty good horror material, which is doubly impressive considering that it all had to star the characters from Scooby-Doo. Number 4. Scooby-Doo romances his cousin. In the 1976 to 1978 The Scooby-Doo Show, Scoob was paired up with his dim-witted cousin, Scooby-Dum, a caricature of a southern hick with a slow drawl and a jaw more slack than his stance on the issue of dating cousins. La-ni-troy. Now that's not an insult against the character. I mean, it is, but it's also the summary of the episode, the Chiller Diller Movie Thriller. The episode starts with Doo's and Dum's cousin, Scooby-Dee, playing the lead role in a remake of an old silent film.
Because I guess in this world, talking dogs are normal and recognized as a sentient species. Whatever y'all say. Does that mean there are human dog couples in this world? No, that's too disturbing to think about. Let's just stick to the less creepy topic of dog incest.
So, during the shoot, Scooby-Dum gets confused and attacks the actor playing the villain to save Scooby-Dee. And what does Dee do when two of her family members mess with her job and threaten her livelihood?
She plants two kisses on both of them. It was on the cheek, so nothing too icky.
But both Doo and Dum react to it with cartoon hearts swirling all around them, turning redder than the rockets they must have been sporting below the screen. There's also the matter of Dee herself, who talks with a southern belle voice to add a little extra implication that the Scoob family tree is a telephone pole. I could go deeper into the plot of the episode, but honestly, you already know how it goes. There's a guy pretending to be a monster, Belma discovers a clue that cracks the case, and the guy is eventually caught. But the episode could have featured a photorealistic decapitation, and the creepiest thing about it would still be the Rudy Giuliani-fication of Scooby-Doo. Number 3. The Doll Factory from Hell. In 2010, Scooby-Doo was rebooted in the series Mystery Incorporated, which stuck its tongue in its cheek so many times, it almost burrowed through it to the other side.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you, because you're home.
The show is essentially a mix of self-aware parody and semi-serious homages to famous horror stories and conspiracy theories. Sounds kind of old-school. So in one episode, you may have the gang chasing a monster to the old haunted toy factory, to which Daphne asks, Didn't they turn this place into an orphanage? And then Fred replies, You're thinking of the old haunted orphanage across the street. At the same time, the show's second season had a season-spanning arc about Sumerian mythology, the theory of humans descending from ancient alien astronauts, and the possible destruction and rebirth of Earth by the mysterious planet Nibiru that a lot of people actually believe in. Add to it comedic breaks like cameo appearances of other Hanna-Barbera properties. Blue Falcon, for example, here reinvented as a parody of Frank Miller's gritty, ultraviolet Batman. We're Mystery Incorporated! Corporate greed is another symptom of a society rotting from the inside out. This gives you a pretty good idea of the kind of show you're dealing with.
But in the season two episode, The Wrath of Krampus, the series uses that false sense of security to mysteriously incorporate urine into your boxer briefs. He's paying on me! The episode, as you may have guessed, deals with the mythological Krampus, the joker to Santa Claus's Batman. The Krampus is introduced as a punisher of bad kids who goes around scaring them until their hair turns white. His design is a bit creepy, but there's nothing especially disturbing about the episode. Until Krampy kidnaps a girl and carries her off to the aforementioned haunted toy factory.
And you think you know what to expect. It'll probably be an homage to some old horror movie. But like the rest of the show, it'll ultimately be played for laughs, right?
Well, that depends. Were you a good boy or girl this year? Just kidding. It doesn't matter.
Here's your sanity-shattering doll factory from hell. The first shot of the factory is a bunch of weirdly realistic toddler dolls with empty black eyes hanging from the ceiling. And it somehow gets worse from there. In the next shots, through prospective tricks, the dolls briefly appear gigantic, big enough to eat an actual toddler, which you know they would have given a chance. Also, they all seem to be covered in a red substance that is probably meant to be rust instead of blood. You know how old plastic dolls develop rust?
All that's missing is for the dolls to start moving on their own and calling you mama. Mama.
Ultimately, the Krampus ends up trapped in a giant bin full of eyeless, blood-covered baby doll heads. And the only reason it didn't start leaking from every orifice out of the sheer horror of the whole situation was because, spoiler alert, the Krampus turned out to be... Charlie the Haunted Robot? You'll need to watch the show to get more context for that, because the longer I talk about this episode, the more I'll have to drink to purge the images of dolls from my mind.
I'm just kidding. I know they'll never leave. Or stop telling me to cleanse the outfit. Number 2.
Scrappy-Doo's Bad Acid Trip Transformation There's a persistent rumor going around that Tim Curry, supposedly a lifelong Scooby-Doo fan, was offered the role of the villain in the first live-action movie, but declined after learning that the film would include Scrappy-Doo, whom he hated for some reason. This has made the rounds online so many times that James Gunn, the 2002 film's writer, had to chime in and explain that, quote, Tim Curry was a 23-year-old man when Scooby-Doo debuted in 1969, and a 33-year-old man when Scrappy-Doo debuted in 1979. But there actually was someone attached to the movie who hated Scooby's puppy nephew, James Gunn himself. In the same Twitter thread where he debunked the Tim Curry story, Gunn was asked what he thought about Scrappy, to which he said, quote, I think it would be apparent from the movie that I'm not the biggest fan.
Yeah, it really would. The very first time Scrappy appears on screen in the live-action film, the dialogue establishes that he does this a lot to mark his territory, and essentially call dibs on Daphne. Once you introduce a character in a urine-soaked scene with implied bestiality, you should never have to answer questions about whether you like said character or not.
And putting the pee scene aside, the 2002 Scooby-Doo movie was very different from the cartoon, like how it's subtly acknowledged that Shaggy might occasionally smoke the old electric lettuce, and oh yeah, in the movie, ghosts and monsters are real. The antagonists in this movie aren't old men in rubber masks, but actual demons who steal souls in order to perform the Darkopolis ritual that would allow them to rule the world. But there actually is a non-ghost mastermind behind all this. Old man?
Scrappy? Yeah, James Gunn decided to make Scooby and Scrappy one of the most fucked-up Uncle Matthew duos in pop culture history, second only to LMFAO. He turned Scrappy into the movie's main villain and, of course, the stuff of pure nightmares. After being unmasked, Scrappy reveals that he's absorbed enough human souls to transform himself into, I guess, Shaggy's sleep paralysis demon after his dealer sold him weed laced with Gary Busey's spinal fluid. Disturbing doesn't even begin to describe Scrappy's monster transformation.
The way his body bulges out and expands looks like some kind of growing mutated tumor from a Resident Evil knockoff. He looks like a CPR dummy made out of expired meat that someone put together drunk. His head looks like someone tried to recreate Pumba from The Lion King from memory, but went insane halfway through.
The design is very basic, but everything about it feels... wrong. Like physically, morally, religiously wrong.
It's not quite the grossest thing on this list, but it's definitely something David Cronenberg has open in a private tab. Number one.
All of Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island. Zombie Island is a 1998 animated film featuring Scooby and the gang trying desperately to prove that ghosts are real. Because if they are, it means that there is such a thing as an afterlife, and that humans' brief lifespans on this cursed planet are not just cruel jokes perpetrated by an even crueler yet ultimately empty and unfeeling universe. They don't outright say that, but it's heavily implied. Anyway, following a tip, the Scooby gang travels to a New Orleans Bayou island supposedly haunted by the ghost of a pirate captain. So the setup sounds like classic Scooby-Doo. In fact, before arriving on the island, the gang unmasks a bunch of other monsters who all turn out to be humans in disguise, so you just assume that they'll find more of the same on the island.
But once there, things quickly turn kind of adult. This just gets better! There's a scene early on of a pirate corpse coming to life, which looks genuinely creepy thanks to the improved animation that lets you clearly make out the rotted flesh suddenly growing around a human skeleton. Then we learn that the island also used to house Confederate barracks, because the best movies force parents to hit pause and talk to their kids about the Civil War and slavery. Thank you, Scooby-Doo. More zombies eventually appear, and we're treated to a scene of Fred ripping off one of the zombies' heads, because in 1998, a PG rating goddamn meant something. That was when we were still a country. Finally, the movie reveals what's really going on, and it's more bonkers than anything you could ever imagine. Not only are all the zombies real, they aren't even the main threat.
It's actually the rich owner of the island's plantation and her employee, both of whom turn out to be centuries-old cat demons. Hundreds of years ago, they were just innocent settlers living on the island and worshipping a pagan cat god, like everyone did back then. One day, pirates attacked and forced most of the island's inhabitants into the bayou, where they were immediately eaten by alligators.
And that's when the young kids watching this movie ask their parents to tell them more about the Civil War to lighten the mood. Thank you.
Two women survive and pray to their cat god for strength to defeat the pirates, transforming into killer furries and slaughtering their enemies. Since then, they've been luring people to the island and devouring their souls in order to stay alive.
But hey, the good news is that souls exist. So there is such a thing as the afterlife. The bad news is that the entire world has been worshiping the wrong god, and so nobody's going to heaven.
Because this movie was originally envisioned as a cure for sleep for children, apparently. Maybe we should try this with other kids' franchises. Let's say Archie has a psychological sex and horror series. Wait, no, that's Riverdale. You're home now, J.J. Um, okay, Sabrina the Teenage Witch with a satanic sex theme. I am the Dark Lord's source! Oh, they did that too.
Has anyone done a gritty Popeye yet? Man, you know who'd do a great Popeye?
Chris Pratt. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Jump in the comments and let us know which of your favorite characters Chris Pratt should voice next. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_McCormack_Jab_Proud_Boys_And_Christian_GetsRoasted_January_29 | You're listening to The Betooter Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to The Betooter Advocate Weekly Radio News bulletin you're joined by myself Clancy Overill editor of The Betooter Advocate and of course Errol Parker is usually with me but he's away at the moment he's gone to see a man about a dog up in Bduri and we'll let him sort his business I'm joined today by Wendell Hussey news reader to the stars news reader to the Diamond Tina how are you Wendell?
Very well thank you Clancy great to be here it's been a relatively long week for us didn't get to take any time off over the weekend there unfortunately but it is what it is how are you?
Well thanks mate I'm doing alright what's in the news?
Well we'll start off with one of the bigger national stories this week and the headline was actually a quote from Michael McCormack and it said this I will get this plague jab directly into my fucking brain it is that safe Yes there was some big news on the vaccine front this week with it set to hit our shores soon apparently and the Deputy Prime Minister has promised to show the people who have some doubts that it's all good to go Yeah he said in a telephone call with us earlier this week I don't give a fuck I know this thing's fucking safe as and I will get it injected right into my brain On live TV I'll even let fucking Carl Stefanovic do it very emotive from the Deputy Prime Minister there unusual from him unless he's speaking about Black Lives Matter protests and there was a comment on that one from Peter Derbyshire who said Mr McCormack doesn't need to go on live TV and get the vaccine into his brain he just needs to say it's as safe as winning a sports grant in a marginal seat Yes Now in some other news of significance around the nation anthropologists have revealed that they are actually unable to identify what Aussie Proud Boys in American sportswear are proud of As this report found this bunch of blokes known as the Proud Boys are quite confusing to the outsider and potentially confuse themselves they are described as a far right neo-fascist male only white nationalistic political organisation that engages in political violence in an effort to celebrate their pride in the achievements of white culture But one of the great questions that the anthropologists leading this study have struggled with Clancy is what exactly are these blokes proud of?
Well yes that's correct their alleged pride in their culture has immediately been ruled out due to the fact that the Australian Proud Boys are unable to list any examples of their own cultural excellence outside of pointing to the political achievements of Donald Trump and after a few beers even Adolf Hitler Now the fact that majority of the entourage were wearing NBA merchandise during yesterday's march implies that they are mostly interested in sports dominated by African American athletes which makes this even more confusing we don't know what they're proud of we think they're proud of their freedom of speech to say whatever they like about people that aren't white Yeah it is very confusing hopefully they get a development proposal for a mosque in their living area so they can refocus their identity on that going forward Now in some local news a local man's year has started off with a bang after the timing chain in his Holden Captiva finally snaps Yes if it hasn't happened to you it makes a real bang when it happens Gives you quite a fright indeed it's happened to me Now this bloke called Glenn who Errol spoke to at a pub earlier this week says he was overtaking two road trains at the time of the bang pushing the lazy Captiva all the way up to 7400 rpm only to have the timing chain explode within the engine Not ideal at all Tim Jarvis wade into that story a local mechanic I believe he is he said Captivas and cruisers pay my mortgage I wish everyone owned one I'd be a millionaire You probably already are in cash mate and you know that as well as I do Bit of an interesting story now from foreign shores and inspired by Australia Day the Irish have hosted their first ever celebration of British arrival Yes inspired by us here in Australia and the celebration of the British invasion of the aboriginal people's land in Botany Bay the Irish have decided it's time to act like a grown up country like Australia and treat the English imperialism the way we do Ireland's Prime Minister Michael Martin says after a century of putting bombs under cars and assassinating British royals the Irish want to revise their own history like Australia has done and rewrite the British arrivals the British invaders even as happy-go-lucky white fellas as we have So from now on Ireland the centre of Dublin will be celebrating UK Day and the Irish Prime Minister said from this day on anyone who has an issue with the UK Day celebrations are nothing but a bunch of left wing whinging snowflakes There you go good to see Ireland has moved on from the travels and we'll wrap up now with a story from the sports world and it's about a geriatric Christian making her annual return to the spotlight to get roasted by everyone Yes old Margaret Court's been wheeled back out into the spotlight again this year with plenty of controversy being caused by her receiving an OAM for her charity work despite the fact that she has some pretty questionable views on her fellow Australians Yeah genuinely shocking isn't it that a 78 year old white reverend has some concerning views on homosexuality It blew my mind, it blew my mind I thought she would be in the same boat as Tom Tilly, Triple J kind of you know the public figures that we aspire to But yeah she's really disappointed us old Margaret Yeah really weird As someone who's received an OAM yourself Clancy, Clancy overall OAM how do you feel about her joining your esteemed company?
Look mate I've got my own demons, I've got my own flaws and I received mine for a very different reason, it happened under Sir Joe I was you know heavily endorsed But you know everything that surrounded that time, surrounded me at that time, surrounded that government is you know We prefer not to talk about it so I'm just going to keep my head down on this one Yeah you probably wouldn't be getting it in this day and age but you won't be Kerry O'Brien-ing and handing it back in Absolutely not or refusing to accept it Absolutely not Okay there you go, well that is our wrap of the news week for this week Thanks for tuning in and all three of us will hopefully be back in seven days time with another round of big stories from The Proteota Advocate Until then, see you later Hooroo |
dropout | Scarlett_Johansson_s_Agent | Oh, John Mayer, you're not Jerry Garcia.
Hey. Hey, Scarlett. Sorry that latest project didn't work out. But you know what? Let's just put those days of picking controversial roles behind us, huh? What do you mean? We talked about this, ScarJo.
Like when you tried to play a trans man in a movie, or when you actually did play an Asian woman in Ghost in the Shell. And I know you said that an actor can play any person, tree or animal, but let's stick with person. And let's stick with roles that are suitable for Scarlett, huh? Like I got a lot of great scripts over here, like Oprah is starring and producing a historical drama about a black mother who befriends a white teacher in the segregation era.
Oh, wow. I'd love to do that. Yeah.
Yeah, except I'm Oprah's part and Oprah's my part. As actors, we cannot do what is expected. We must be the dark mirrors of society. Acting is reacting.
Hey, Scarlett. I got some primo Oscar fodder here. You play a German spy who aids the Allies during World War II. Okay, quick pitch. Can they make my character a disabled Latina German?
What? Why? I'm not even sure that that makes historical sense.
It's important we tell stories about underrepresented groups and that those groups be played by me. Let me call you back.
Oh, hey. Scarlett, I got this incredible young Marilyn Monroe biopic on my desk. I'm interested. You'd play Marilyn as she was.
No other characters.
I know. I've got the perfect director for this. My dear friend, Woody Allen. I don't think that's a great idea. I'll make it with Woody and nobody else. He understands young women. I want to do the new Benjamin Button movie.
Okay. Nothing problematic with that.
You age backwards into a baby. You show your range as an actor. Right, but I want to age backwards into a black baby. So, you age backwards and your race slowly turns black.
I don't know if... Yeah, no, that's stupid. Right? That's stupid. Good call, ScarJo. I'm black the whole time and I age backwards. No.
I am an actor. Yeah, you're an actor.
Scarlett speaking. Alright, I got a lot of options here in case one of these doesn't work out. A musical where you play a washed up pop star trying to revive her career. As long as she's in a K-pop band. Moving on.
They want you to narrate a documentary about endangered wolves. Only if I can speak in a Native American accent. I'm really good at it. Do you want to hear it?
Absolutely not.
Okay, Marvel called. They saw your interview. They want you to be the voice of the new Groot.
Like the tree? Yes. Okay, but I have to be a black elm. What does that even mean? Also, I want to play Malala.
I'm in a tunnel. Okay, I'm out of the tunnel.
Hey. Scarlett, I got nothing left for you.
We've been through every script. I'm actually thinking of writing my own screenplay.
About what? About my own life. My life story.
And you'd be you? Playing yourself?
Yeah. This is amazing. I can't wait to read it. I'd mostly be revisiting my time playing Motoko Musunagi in Ghost in the Shell. Well, Scarlett Ingrid Johansson, this is a whole Pandora's box full of... Hey, it's Lily.
If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout for the low price of five items off the dollar menu per month. You do the math. You'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live in the Dropout Discord and get exclusive content like Dimension 20. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? Sign up for your free trial today.
Did you do the math from earlier? And if you did, can you tell me how much it was? Because I'm bad with numbers. Five... five times one. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_bobby_moynihan_snl | This week, Elon Musk officially bought Twitter for $44 billion, beating out the next highest offer of $0. Musk sent an open letter to advertisers saying that he doesn't want Twitter to become a free-for-all Hellscape, because that's his plan for Mars. I really don't understand why people are so worried that Elon is going to ruin Twitter as if it's this, like, beloved American institution. It's not like he bought Disney World. it's like he bought the rest of Orlando.
Hershey Walker denied allegations from a second woman that he pushed her to have an abortion, saying, i'm done with this foolishness. which is also what Walker says when he takes off the condom. the woman claims that Walker drove her to an abortion clinic, then waited in the parking lot for hours until she had the procedure. Not only that, while he was in the parking lot, he got two more women pregnant.
John Fetterman, who is still recovering from a stroke and Dr. Mehmet Oz, met for their only debate before the midterms. and just like in his puppy experiments, Dr. Oz showed no mercy. Fetterman began his opening statement by saying, good night, Everybody. it was a bizarre, baffling comment that debate watchers called his high point. Regardless of your politics, it's never a great sign when most of the post-debate commentary is from brain doctors. I really don't understand why Fetterman was allowed to do this debate. who's his campaign manager, the Miami Dolphins concussion doctor? Also, it's not like Dr. Oz did great. he just did slightly better than a recent stroke victim. at one point, he said the decision to have an abortion should include local political leaders, which sounds like the perfect way to get an abortion five years late and 60 million over budget. things are definitely getting way out of hand in this country because when I heard that a guy barged into a house with a hammer looking for Nancy Pelosi, my first thought was, oh, no, was it Kanye?
The West has now been dropped by Adidas, the Gap, Balenciaga, and all Bar Mitzvah playlists. In the wake of Kanye's anti-semitic comments, Adidas said it will stop making yeezy shoes. fans of Yeezy say it's the worst thing to happen to them since any Puddle. Kanye West also abruptly closed Donda Academy, which is a private school that forces parents to sign non-disclosure agreements. Wait, we can do Ndas, said Catholic school priest. And is it just me or did half the companies that dropped Kanye sound fake? I saw the headline, Tj Maxx cuts ties with Kanye. I was like, did Kanye know he worked for Tj Maxx? Also, unless we already associated you with Kanye, you didn't have to announce you were cutting ties. Like, we didn't need Peloton to announce we're no longer playing Kanye's music. Thanks, Peloton. now we can rest easy knowing we won't hear Gold Digger while we have a heart attack on your bike. at some point, I actually started getting excited about who was going to announce next. Dippin' Dots will no longer work with Scrub Daddy is cutting all time. Tcby will discontinue their watch the cone menu, featuring the hit flavor, nougats and pretzels. The craziest one, which is somehow real, is that Goodwill dropped Kanye. they will no longer accept donations of Kanye's clothing, which is ironic because Kanye has lost enough money that he might need them.
Rashid Sunak will become Great Britain's first ever Prime Minister of Indian descent, said his mom, okay, why not King? During a White House ceremony, President Biden wished Kamala Harris a happy birthday, then accidentally called her a great President. even worse, he was talking to a portrait of Michelle Obama. the Postal Service announced a new stamp honoring the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. there's also a stamp honoring Clarence Thomas that says, flip me over and start licking. A new study finds that during the pandemic, students' math scores dropped by almost 10%. Wow, so more than half. the world's largest timber-towered suspension bridge has opened in Michigan. now, said Beavers.
Police in Queens were searching for a suspect who hijacked a bus and then immediately crashed it into a utility pole. Okay, so we know it's a woman. Virgin, that's great. Virgin Australia is trying to get people to choose the middle seat by enrolling everyone who sits in those seats. a chance to win over $200,000 in prizes. not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines is offering a free bag of carrots if you sit in the bathroom. police in England are now using specially trained dogs to detect semen at crime scenes. this replaces the old method of detecting semen, slipping on it.
Well, Francis, I love Halloween. and families around the country are getting ready for parties and trick-or-treating. Here with his thoughts is our own drunk uncle. This Is Halloween. Happy Halloween! I'm sorry. you can't even say it's All Hallows' Eve anymore. you got to call it all Hallows' Steve. I don't think you do. Drunk Uncle, are you saying you're ready for Halloween? Halloween is socialism, Colin! these kids today, they don't even work hard jobs no more.
You know, when I was a kid, we were shoeshines, chimney sweeps, extra, extra paper boys. you know? nowadays, it's just, um, excuse me, can you instacart me some mochi? What? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, can you minecraft my metaverse, please? No, you be real. Alright, well, so I guess you're not excited for Halloween?
Tom was too good for Giselle! Okay, alright, okay, alright, alright Alright, what are you, what are you, what are you. Tiktok Dance! Go-gi, M. Jasper! Go-gi, Go-gi, Tiktok Dance! You like it. I do, I do. the whole country's falling apart, Colin!
Okay? everybody's quiet quitting now. they're quiet quitting. Excuse me, I quit. Excuse me? I quit. You know, we used to quit loud because they hired a lady manager and we were scared. and also a few, a couple of those emagrantes.
Ilagado, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I think they do. you don't know? I think they do. it's a me, a Chrissoprata.
First, not my Mario. drunk, drunk uncle? yeah, I was there on January 6th. what? take me home tonight, I don't want to make you be bent. Yeah, I mean, beep. Oh, no, drunk uncle. So I'm going to lie a lie on crocodile, Ok? So I didn't graduate from Appian Elementary, Ok?
What else do I have to say? that's not me. Yeah, I don't think that's anyone. Donda. No. Donda. you don't have to talk about Kanye.
Yes, I most certainly do, Karen, Ok? I've been listening to a whole lot of what he has to say. Oh, no. Ok? and guess what? I think he might be crazy. you know, that kind of talk doesn't fly anymore, Seth. I learned a lot from the work. sure. I know that black atoms matter.
No. Ok? I saw bros in theaters, pal. Ok? and no Homo? it was great. Ok? I said it before, and I'll say it again. gay guys are still funnier than women. Ok. Ok. all right. knock, knock.
Who's there? Elon. Who?
I don't know, but he just made me Ceo of Twitter. drum gumple, everyone. I got bumpy pants. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_201_Senator_Jane_Hume | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, The Tudor Advocate's new podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Hello listeners, my name is Clancy Overill, editor of The Tudor Advocate. And my name is Errol Parker. And you are listening to Decode, The Tudor Advocate's surprisingly popular new podcast series aimed at discussing and analysing federal politics without using the type of confusing language that politicians use.
So far, we've interviewed Christina Keneally from the Labour Party, Adam Bant from the Greens, and David Littleproud from the National Party. We've also interviewed Allegra Spender, the independent candidate for Wentworth. But today we are lucky enough to finally get access to someone from the party in charge, the Liberal Party of Australia. Thank you for joining us. Senator Jane Hume, the Liberal Senator for Victoria.
That's exactly right. Good to be with you guys. Well, thank you. Yeah, thank you for joining us.
First question's a pretty hot one, straight out of the ranks. Senator Hume, why is it so hard for anyone other than Sky News to get an interview with anyone from the Liberal Party?
Mate, you've got no idea we put it out there every day. We're on everything. I sort of feel like we saturate the channels. Aren't you sick of, you know, Karl Stefanovic talking to us, and Koshy in the mornings? ABC can't get enough. We're all over the joint.
Well, we've certainly struggled here at The Betooter Advocate, but we thank you for breaking ranks, breaking the protocol of the Liberal Party and joining us here today. We'll always get a nap from time to time, because they know we broadcast out there in the tractors, so we had actually a very long yarn with Little Proud. Just kind of in it all. Well, yeah, you know, I think he's a bit nervous about Bob Catter getting his electorate at this upcoming election, so I think he's got to get his message out a bit further than the marinara. I think you do a great job, and I'm a long-time listener, first-time caller for you guys, and I listened to your podcast with Dave Little Proud.
What was it? The Thriller from Chinchilla? Yep. The Thriller from Chinchilla.
The bloke with a high school education and a federal portfolio. One of a kind. He's proud of that, too.
Now, what we want to ask is, what are you currently working on? What's going on? Is everyone in election mode, or are you still actually working?
Well, we're out and about, certainly, there's no doubt about it. We know when the election's going to be. It's got to be before the end of May, so it's not as if we can sort of pussyfoot around and pretend it's not happening. So yeah, we're definitely out and about and talking to people in all sorts of electorates, marginal electorates, safe electorates, regional rural seats, urban seats as well.
So yes, we're out and about, but the most important thing we've got on the agenda right now is getting ready for the budget, which is on the 29th of March, and that's a really big deal. There's a lot of work that goes into the budget from right across government. There's a few costs that might have arisen in the last couple of months that are going to have to be accounted for in the budget as well.
I mean, namely the natural disasters. Yeah, particularly the floods in Queensland and in New South Wales.
There's no doubt about it that's going to make an impact on the bottom line, plus the work that's being done now to support the efforts in the Ukraine. That's going to have an impact too. There's going to be some economic changes because of just simply what's going on in Europe and the sanctions placed on Russia. So yeah, look, every budget comes with a few surprise packages.
There's no doubt about it, but yeah, we just have to deal with that one and take it on the chin and make sure that we work around it. We can't crowd fund our way out of this one. No, look, let's be frank. This is where government should step up when things like crisis, whether it be a pandemic, whether it be a natural disaster, whether it be a military threat. This is where government comes to the fore. That's our job. The government can't solve every problem, no doubt about it. But there are some problems that we should be able to solve.
When capitalism goes bad, that's when we should do it, yeah. Capitalism doesn't go bad.
The term we came up with during the pandemic was scotialism. What do you think of that? Scotialism, I haven't heard that one before. Look, there's no doubt about it that the response that we had in the pandemic was very different from anything that we've ever had to deal with before. It was sort of like a warlike scenario. And in those sorts of circumstances, ideology has to go out the window. But that said, as you come out of the pandemic, or whatever crisis it might be, you have to work within your values framework and say, well, how do we bring the country back onto an even keel and set it up for the future?
So what is the mood like at the moment in the party room? Because we've just seen in the past couple of hours that Scott and Dom have had to take the reins of the New South Wales Liberal Party just because there are some few issues with pre-selection that weren't gonna be going away. What's the mood like there at the moment?
I actually think we're feeling very positive about the election generally. It's very different reading what goes on on social media to listening to what's going on on the ground. You just watch the ABC all day, you would seriously think that the world was a very different place to the one that it actually is. So we're feeling quite positive.
Look, there's always machinations going on in state divisions. We're a federal, Liberal Party's a federation of states. We don't always do things the same way, in the same way that you saw throughout the pandemic, that Victoria did things very differently from New South Wales, for instance, or Queensland.
So I don't think there's anything to be concerned about there. We'll have our candidates on the ground and we'll be up and running very soon.
That is something I wanna talk to you about, like the difference between the bubbles, be that media bubbles, be that Canberra bubbles, and the actual everyday voter sentiment. One of the reasons we've kind of created this new podcast is because in our dealings with the punters, there's a lot of people, we get a lot of feedback, we have a lot of people that either read or listen to our stuff. And the one thing they always say, and I'm sure you've heard it said to you yourself at family barbecues with people you don't see that much, they say, both sides are just the same. What's the point? I mean, that's always, that's something people have always said, for centuries have always said that really, the swing voter or the disengaged voter will say that. We've actually seen that sentiment play out in the rise of the Palmers, the Lambys, the third forces, the Pauline Hansons.
Can you explain to us now why a bunch of lawyers from the Liberal Party are different to a bunch of lawyers from the Labour Party? Can I assure you that we're not all lawyers? I'm certainly not a lawyer. And to tell you the truth, there aren't as many lawyers as there used to be in parliament.
But what I can say is that there are good things and bad things about what you just said. One of the reasons why both parties are towards the centre that's a good thing in Australia. It gives us a lot of political stability is because we have compulsory voting. So that's actually sort of like a filter for democracy. It does create a very fair and reasonable outcome. But at the same time, you can then be accused of not being different enough from your opposition. Now, I personally don't think that's at all true. We come to the centre from very, very different directions. From my perspective, the Liberal Party is all about freedom and choices and personal responsibility, asking what you can contribute rather than what it is that you can take from government. Ensuring that businesses and particularly small business and personal aspiration and ambitions can be allowed to thrive and flourish on their own rather than putting up artificial barriers. Big government creates small citizens. So we wanna see government withdraw itself from people's lives. And I think that they're the really distinguishing features of the Liberal Party within the parliament. Now, you're always gonna get some big personality people that come and go from parliament. That's been happening for decades. And look, it's a good thing. I think to some extent it shakes us up, but at the same time, I think that the fact that you've got those two quite centrist parties, although coming from very different perspectives, is a sign of political stability and something that Australia should be proud of. Well, just speaking on how the government, in terms of how much it intrudes into the lives of ordinary Australians, why was it, you know, when you had just a few more days left of the two houses being there, why did you choose the religious discrimination bill to put it forward first, as opposed to say the federal corruption watchdog bill?
Yeah, because both were commitments that we made prior to the last election. And we were quite running out of time. And you can understand why. So much of the legislative agenda that we anticipated being able to get through over three years was completely derailed by having to do massive COVID responses. You know, when we went out in 2020 in particular with those three packages, you know, first of all, the sort of the safety net package and the stimulus package, the safety net package, and then JobKeeper, you know, building the bridge to the other side, that was the equivalent of delivering three budgets in the space of about five weeks. And that's fine to announce those things, but you then have to legislate for them. And that is equally difficult. So at least 18 months of our legislative agenda was derailed. We did find that we got to a bottleneck at the end of the parliamentary term and we had to make some tough decisions. We'd already put out our legislation for a federal ICAC, or a federal IBAC, whichever way you want to call it, and had put that out for, you know, numerous consultations and everything else.
The problem was we hadn't reached any consensus in the parliament. We weren't going to bring forward a piece of legislation that wasn't going to pass. But the religious discrimination was a different commitment. And that was one that we felt was going to pass. Now it didn't in the end.
That's fine. But it was worth having the debate.
You mentioned before about what you said as the liberal and your personal value framework. It sounds very Victorian liberal is what you were saying. It reminds me a lot of Teddy the Toff from Toorak and Josh Frydenberg and you know that- Obviously not Timmy. No, it reminds us a lot of that. And that's a very, you know, very Victoria liberal thing. You're less of an LNP down there. You know, it's very much, we're talking, as you said, freedoms, less government out of your lives and less spending, you know, what can you do rather than what can we do for you? You know, that is an age old liberal philosophy, liberal party philosophy in Australia. Howitism. Howitism, you know, just being a bit more, you're just watching the dollar a bit more, watching the bottom line.
It does seem in this day and age though that the Morrison government are big spenders. And you can say that obviously they had to be job keeper, whatever, you know, as we said, there was socialism, there were reasons, but we are seeing money being spent that even, you know, a labor voting dole bludger might say, this is a bit red hot. You know, why do we need to spend, you know, in the billions on, rather they look like dodgy kind of programs. We just heard today- The ABC. ABC's for one or the $500 million you give to kind of contractors from PNG. And these are big sums of money.
And we're feeling like we haven't seen this kind of money thrown around so willy nilly. It looks like there's just tick of the pen and Dutton's got a new security contractor that no one knows much about and doesn't seem like it went to tender. Like, how do you kind of reconcile that kind of spending that's happening under Morrison? We've only really seen it under the current prime minister. That's not entirely true. I mean, to begin with, Scott Morrison was the treasurer that was really the one that brought the budget back into line. In fact, when I first got this portfolio and walked into a treasury ministry, the first job that we thought we were going to do was to deliver a budget surplus. The MAIFO in November, just before the budget in 2020, I think that the deficit then was like $700 million. Today, that doesn't really seem like very much money. And we really were, we were going to land that budget and of course COVID really threw it out of the water. But I think that what you're saying though is a sign of the times. There are things now that we have to spend money on that we never used to say even 15, 20 years ago.
Cyber security is a really good example. It's just a constant threat. And it's not as if it's a one-off spend that you can say, right, well, you know, there's half a billion dollars and that'll be fixed now. It's a constant threat, a constant threat, which is why we have to keep updating our systems and making sure that they are fit for purpose.
So I would disagree with you. Yes, there are some big ticket items out there, but fiscally, I think you'll find, particularly in the budget coming up, it's going to be far more business as usual back within that liberal framework of, you know, making sure that essential services are delivered, whether it be NDIS or Medicare or PBS, but at the same time that we move back into, well, what is it that is government's responsibility versus the private sector's responsibility and where there is some gray areas, how do we work with the private sector to better leverage their skills and abilities rather than always tending to government to try and solve every single problem? Is this what drew you to, I mean, I'll ask the question we ask everyone. You know, you seem to be talking a lot about fiscal responsibility, and that seems to be something that is a passion of yours in politics. And all of our other guests were kind of asked to explain their ideologies and their different, you know, career paths that led them to their chosen party with David Littleproud, you know, you've got an accountant from Chinchilla, third generation, that makes sense, he'd go with the Nationals.
Adam Bantz, a tree-hugging lawyer from Frio, that definitely makes sense that he would end up one day leading the Greens. Now, Senator, I wanna ask you, in 2013, as a young woman from inner Melbourne with a background in media and commerce, what on earth drew you to a party full of old Christian men with elbow patches on their tweed coats? Clancy, can I just say how much I love the fact that you said that I was young in 2013, first of all, because that makes me feel much better. One of the reasons why I joined the Liberal Party is because, you know, hey, I'm nearly, well, I'm 50 now, and they still refer to me as one of the young women in the Liberal Party. That's a good thing.
So I didn't actually have a background in media. I was always in finance and investment. I did have a couple of stints on boards of various organizations, but I specifically worked in superannuation before I entered Parliament, and absolutely loved it, but always felt that we could do more, we could do better. I love social impact investment, for instance. How do we better use the skills of the private sector to solve some of the most intractable social problems, profit with the purpose, all of that sort of stuff has always been something that I've been interested in. And politics was, I never actually intended really to enter politics. That wasn't my, you know, when I grow up, I wanna be the prime minister kind of thing. It was just an interest that ran alongside my career, and then an opportunity opened up to walk in to the center spot. Now that sounds like it was really easy. It wasn't, it was quite complicated. I was heavily involved with the party organization and in a voluntary capacity. I ran a lot of campaigns and things as a volunteer before I entered politics. But I think I was really lucky. I was the right person at the right time to take on this portfolio. You know, superannuation, financial services, digital economy, women's economic security, these are things that I'm genuinely interested in and was interested in before I entered politics and have a level of experience and expertise in too. So it's great to be able to add value to a portfolio the moment you start it.
And now that you've been in the role for a couple of years, is there anything in the job that you didn't really expect? Oh, like yeah, thousands of things that I didn't really expect.
But on the upside, as opposed to the downside, I love meeting the people, particularly the digital economy portfolio. Do you know, the tech sector in Australia is nearly now the third biggest employer in the country. We are going gangbusters in this sector. There are some seriously bright minds. And it's fantastic. It's a fantastic sector for women too, in particular, because there's huge demand for these jobs. So women are being paid more, they're getting much better, higher paying jobs, and they're really kicking goals. And there's so many startups as well that are really making inroads. So I have loved that part of the portfolio. I have really high hopes for the tech sector in Australia in the future. It's the best way to diversify the economy, as well as take those traditional industries that we've got like construction and mining and agriculture, and create whole new opportunities for productivity gains there, whether it's using drones in agriculture, or whether it's using sensors in buildings so that you know when to do the repairs and maintenance, or internet of things, or AI, or whatever it might be, this is really exciting stuff.
And Australia is genuinely at the forefront. We're on, as you know, someone whose publication is predominantly online, you know, we have a print circulation, but we know that that's gonna die out there with Foxtel and other, you know, all these other old media kind of formats. But you know, the way you're talking, you are talking this kind of Atlassian, this Canva, this new world, not to mention all the other kind of after pays, all the things that have come through Australian tech.
And it takes us back to a time not that long ago when you first were elected into the Senate. You know, the Liberal Party was a very different place. Malcolm Turnbull was leader. A man who made his name in politics in a very similar field to you, you know, your career before politics. And the entire pitch under Turnbull was the age of innovation. We were talking about this stuff in 2016, what we're talking about right now. Now, can you tell me that this party is the same party? It's, I mean, we've changed leader. Obviously, we've got you pushing, you know, and championing tech in Canberra, but there's a lot, they've stacked the ranks a bit differently. There's a lot more religion getting thrown around nowadays. And actually last election, it felt like the Liberal Party's pitch was nothing's gonna change.
Well, a hell of a lot did change, didn't it, though? Whether it was by design or by default. No, no, no, a lot changed. But you know, interesting you picked up on that because yeah, you're right.
In 2016, which was the election where I first came into parliament, Malcolm Turnbull was talking about, we want an innovative and agile economy, which is great, except for the fact that all people heard was, oh God, you know, I'm a truck driver or a forklift driver, and I don't know how to code, so I'm gonna lose my job out of this. This is a disastrous idea.
But then, you know, COVID came along, and now tech is almost ubiquitous. You know, the fact that you and I are speaking the way we are today is, you know, tech writ large. QR codes, who'd used a QR code before COVID? Cashless payments, all this sort of stuff now is second nature.
So how do we now harness that new acceptance of the digital economy and say, right, well, you know, let's take Australia to the next great level. This is our burning platform. You know, other countries, they've been doing this stuff before because they've had to do so for a military or a strategic or geopolitical imperative. We haven't had that, but now we have this great opportunity and we've got so many bright minds that I just wanna grasp the nettle. In my mind, government's responsibility here is to make sure the right incentives are in place, make sure that we get the regulations right, and then get out of the way because government doesn't have the answers here. The private sector does. That's the pitch. It sounds like what you're saying right now, there would be a lot of people sitting down there in, you know, wherever, Byron, Australia's New Silicon Valley, there'd be people that are loving what they're hearing.
Can you explain, though, you know, socially, I guess, progressive, fiscally conservative, I'm not sure if that's how you describe yourself. I know a lot of Victorian liberals do describe themselves that way. That does feel to be, and I can only say this, you know, it might sound like a partisan comment, but, you know, the liberals have been in power for, you know, the best part of two decades now, does feel like a lot of these old codgers in your party need to be dragged kicking and screaming to certain ideas.
Gay marriage was certainly one of them. That could have been done very differently and a lot faster. Would have been done pretty well with a bit of tech as well. We probably didn't need to postal vote that whole thing.
And then you've got ideas like the ones you're talking about today. When we know that there are feelings where renewables and, you know, NBN was something that I just saw, I was reading up the other day, during the 2011 floods, Tony Abbott suggested scrapping the NBN to pay for disaster relief. You know, you've got a lot of dinosaurs that kind of think, oh, well, that's not that important. How do you champion these ideas when you do have a, you know, a few status quo Joes?
Well, you know, that's the real power of politics, isn't it, is the power to persuade. That's our job, is to persuade. And look, the good thing about the Liberal Party is it is quite, you know, and I know we talk about the broad church and there's a pew for everybody and all that sort of stuff. That's all fine. But when it comes down to it, what that really means is that it does represent a broad spectrum of the entire country.
And there are some people in the party, yeah, that do have to be persuaded to move in a particular direction. And there are some in the party that have to be persuaded to move in another direction. But I actually think that that filter, if you like, makes for much better policy making. Rather than that sort of authoritarian one or two or three people saying, this is what the party's gonna do and everyone goes, oh, is that right? Okay, well, we all have to vote yes.
We actually argue it out. And sometimes that arguing is uncomfortable and frustrating and, you know, you pull out your hair and, you know, why can't people see it from my perspective? But that's Australia, isn't it? Everybody has a different perspective. We want to be, recognize all those different perspectives as much as we possibly can. So it's like a microcosm of the country in the party room. That's a great thing. It is, the broad church, the big 10, it is. It is a great thing to have all these different ideas, but sometimes it doesn't work out, as we've seen with, you know, the leadership spills. That's where I want to kind of ask you.
There seem to be a couple moments in the history of the last few governments where they weren't going to be resolved through pulling your hair out and debating. Can you tell us what it was like during those troubled times? The troubles, I guess, a couple of weeks there in 2018. Someone relatively new to the job at the time.
What were you doing? Were you ducking for cover? Were people rallying you? How do you deal with that?
We know when there's blood in the water, it's not as civil as anyone wants to kind of pretend it is. And, you know, we took it to a vote and then we decided to change our leader. You know, I dare say people were fantasizing about having people assassinated within your party.
Well, I wouldn't go quite that far, but that was pretty horrible stuff. That was pretty horrible times. And I wouldn't want to go back to that.
I don't think that we will. I hope that the party has learnt its lesson that that's just not who we are. We don't topple leaders. It doesn't matter whether they come from the more sort of cultural traditionalist side of the party or the more progressive side of the party. We just don't do that. The real problem, of course, is not the contest of ideas, it's the contest of personalities.
And I think that that's really where we, you know, where you can run into trouble. But I think that really genuinely is behind us now. I know I never want to see it again and I never want to see it again, but I think it's made me a much tougher politician than I was when I walked in. There were a lot of people on our travels around Western Queensland over the past two years, because we couldn't really go anywhere else besides the territory and over to WA for a little while. They were saying that, you know, a lot of people, especially in the National Party, have kind of resigned to the fact that, you know, this election's looking a bit kind of shaky, but none of them are too concerned about it because the way that politics and government essentially works in this country is that, you've got a conservative government in power for 10 or 15 years. You've got one term of labour that spends all the money and, you know, schools get air conditioning and, you know, things like that. And then it snaps back.
In a perfect world though, would the Liberal Party just be in charge forever? Well, in my perfect world, certainly the Liberal Party would be in charge forever.
So like a one party thing, like they have, like in China and Russia and stuff like that, yeah. No, no, look, it's really important to make sure that there is that contest of ideas, not just within the party, but external, but between the parties as well. And with the crossbench and with the Greens and, you know, from all corners.
As I said, you know, we really do have a very stable democracy in Australia, something that I don't necessarily think we appreciate until we look across to our neighbours in the north and see, you know, Russia invading Ukraine, an authoritarian regime, now invading a liberal democracy. You can see how quickly, you know, I think the resistance of the Ukrainians is just amazing. It's just so courageous. But the frightening effects of an authoritarian regime is, you know, chilling. It really is chilling. So we are very lucky here. And I sometimes think it's something that we don't necessarily understand enough or appreciate enough until we can see the alternative.
The party is quite big, you know. You've got a lot of people that you need to know in Victoria at a state level. There's a lot of people, as we learned with what's happening in New South Wales today, everyone actually needs to be engaged in all levels of their own, you know, area. You're Senator for Victoria in Parliament House in Canberra, but you've also got to know what's going on on the ground. What is your feeling with the Victorian Liberal Party?
Because, I mean, it feels like it would take a pretty catastrophic situation for Dan Andrews to look like the best option after the last couple of years. Yeah, look, I still scratch my head that so many people can be out there on Twitter saying what a great job Dan Andrews has done over the last two years. Oh, well, you know, it's all the people who live very close to the river. You know, they're the ones, you know. I think they look pretty close to Dan Andrews' office too, actually.
Yeah, look, you know, can I tell you, I sat next to my good friend John Passuto at the state election in the ABC studios when we were calling the state election and watched him lose his seat on television at the last election. I thought that was a great tragedy because he's such a fine man and a great parliamentarian. So we'll be coming from a long way from behind at the next election. I'm great, good to see that John's running again. And I feel that Matthew really has hit his stride this time around too. And he's got some really good policies out there.
I think that Dan Andrews is heading up a very weak government now. I mean, four ministers have left through corruption.
He's got rebellions on the back bench. He's got a fractional, just a bonfire between the left and the right. So he's got an awful lot to contend with. And of course, he's got a really angry population.
We were shut down longer than anybody down here. My eldest dad on 160 days of his last two years at school.
That's tough. Brutal. Terrible, terrible stuff.
The two best years of your life, they say. He'll be right. He'll be on Contiki in no time. Yeah. Like his mother, I did a Contiki tour. Yeah, the best way to see the world.
We've got a toilet break here. There's a service station there. If you want to go get a bottle of water and the coal seam's just over there. If you want to go see that as well, we'll be here for 10 minutes.
You know, I did a different one. I did, I went to the Greek islands and I did a boat trip around the Greek islands for two weeks. And I wore my bed sheet as a toga for a fortnight.
I really don't. Oh, before the pandemic, eh? Yeah.
You're saying there, Dan Andrews, and I don't like calling him Dan because we're not from down there. His name's Daniel. Taliban Dan actually is a pretty good one.
We know that he's got a lot of dissent in his ranks and he's got a lot of angry people. I mean, Victoria, as you said, Victorians are angry. They've given a lot and they've had a lot taken from them. But in the same breath, we could start seeing a few people getting a little bit tapped in the Victorian liberals. And a few people started to wade into those waters of conspiracy.
How do you deal with that? Someone who's, you know, as we've learned and as you've explained, a common sense liberal, how do you deal with the likes of Tim Smith, saying some of the things he's saying online and in person and to the media? Because it does happen a bit, you know, further up central Queensland, you start hearing a few similar ideas as well on a federal level. How do you deal with that?
Because that's a bit more than just a broad church of ideas. Now we're starting to talk about some dangerous rhetoric. And some dangerous driving too. Yes, well, look, when members of our party start speaking out on issues that they feel particularly passionate about, they are given a fair bit of rope. You know, we don't muzzle people. At the same time, I think it's really important to say that they don't represent the government's views, the government's policies. You certainly wouldn't hear that sort of rhetoric coming from the ministry, the ones that are actually making the decisions. So it's a fine line. We have to make sure that the government's message has been made very clear, but at the same time, we want to make sure that people feel free to express themselves. It's part of our values of who we are. Now, if it's getting dangerous, if it's spreading misinformation, well, that's something different again, and something that does need to be addressed. And I think that you'd be pretty clear that's happened with, say for instance, George Christensen, you know, the misinformation that he was spreading has been condemned by the party of which he was a part. So it's a fine line, but we have to walk it.
What would someone have to do to get sacked in this day and age? Because I remember John Howard used to sack people for not declaring color televisions when they came back from overseas. What would someone have to do?
I don't actually think that it's a very long list. I mean, you know, if there's any element of corruption, if there's, certainly that would be a sackable offense. So I think demonstrated lack of integrity, undermining the government. I think all of those things are entirely inappropriate, but it's not for me to sack anybody.
It's for the Australian people to choose their local representatives and they're the ones that stack them. And that's what happens at elections. Now, Senator, you've had to answer for a lot of people's sins in this interview and we appreciate it.
You shouldn't have to carry that cross. You're in the game, you're in the tech game.
You should be up there with, what's his name? Three last names?
Mike Cannon-Brookes. Cannon-Brookes, that's your people. That's who you're, they're your constituents.
Now, yeah, maybe not here. Maybe there's some others in the tech game that you- I have met Scott Farquhar, his partner. He's a very good fellow. Yeah. That's what we want to kind of end on a more of a positive note, and this is something we ask every guest we have on here.
What is the one thing you want to achieve in the next term of parliament? Well, can I tell you, the stuff that we've already done, I think is fantastic, in my portfolio anyway. I'm not going to talk to you about superannuation because apparently every time I do, the audience nods off, but that's been an amazing area of reform and a massive achievement in this government. More people are retiring with more money now because of the changes we've made in the last three years than they ever have before, and they will do in the future. So that's something that I am particularly excited about. What I would like to do in the future, I think I touched on it before.
I would really like to harness the skills of the private sector to solve some of our big social issues. You can already see people doing this in places like, you know, Twiggy Forest is doing some great things with indigenous communities. For instance, as part of his Mindaroo Foundation, he's doing some good work with early childhood development as well. Government doesn't have all the answers, but it can better identify what the problems are and direct the skills of the private sector to help out there and incentivise them to do so. You know, we know that if you take, let's say, a first time offender from prison and help them to not reoffend, it actually saves the public person an enormous amount of money. So how do we then set the program in place that actually work, measure the outcomes and pay for success, not government running the program, but the private sector running the program and the government paying for the outcomes that will save the public person in the future? It's a combination of, you know, good socially responsible policy, but at the same time being fiscally responsible as well.
I love that stuff. And I'd really like to see the Liberal Party dig deep and get far more involved in the social impact investment space. And just quickly, one more question just before we go.
What opinion does the Batutta Advocate hold in the Liberal Party? What's the reputation of this newspaper? It is one of your articles are probably the most shared articles of any newspaper out there, I would say. Certainly that's not just within the Liberal Party room, I'd say that it was within my family too. My kids love the Batutta Advocate and often send me articles to make fun of me and what I'm doing.
But that's, hey, that's all good. I reckon if you, you should take your job very seriously, but don't necessarily take yourself all that seriously.
Well, it'll be interesting to see what happens if Labour wins government, because we haven't had the online- Hush your mouth, hush your mouth. We haven't had the online edition of the newspaper during a Labour government. So we'll see what happens. Shame you couldn't see us during Rudd Gillard Rudd.
Yeah. Very busy time out in the channel country that was. Oh, very good. Well, no, I enjoyed watching from the sidelines. Well, you may have just avoided a nickname, Senator Hume. We'll do this again sometime. This has been a great interview and all the best with everything you're running into this election with. Thank you.
How did I avoid a nickname? It does say here, actually, on your background that you worked in sales and marketing research. So Janey from marketing, does that work? Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, from finance. I was in finance. That doesn't really cut it, does it? Big difference, no. Yeah, Jane from IT. Jane from IT, Jane from tech.
I'll take that one. Thank you for joining us today. And yeah, as we said, all the best through the next few months. Great to be with you guys. Great to meet you. |
TheOnion | FAA_Restricts_Jets_To_Flying_No_More_Than_15ft_Above_Ground_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Ep_28 | New FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer, but can anything truly save us from those metal death traps hurling through the air? And later, OBR's theater critic joins us to break down that little scene your daughter threw in the car this morning. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. If you have any questions about today's news, they might be answered in the next few minutes, so please hold on to them until the end of the program. Stay with us.
The Topical is presented by CashApp, the number one finance app in the App Store. Have you ever looked inside your wallet and thought, I wish I was being blinded by blue light exposure? Then try CashApp, the easiest way to send and receive money while being blasted by harmful rays from your phone. Download CashApp today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical.
The Federal Aviation Administration is taking additional safety precautions for air travelers, announcing today that it has implemented a new regulation that restricts passenger jets to flying no higher than 15 feet above ground. I'm joined by OPR's Marcy Hammond, who's been following the story. Welcome, Marcy. Thanks for having me, Leslie. Didn't have much of a choice, really. So tell us about this new FAA rule. Well, it appears to be pretty straightforward.
Any aircraft flying within the United States will be required to keep an altitude between five and 15 feet. I spoke with FAA representative Tom Garner, who told me that the decision to limit air travel to about five meters up in the air was made in an effort to make airplanes safer and reduce crash fatalities. Now, we ran the numbers and realized that the majority of plane crashes had one thing in common. They were in the air at a great height and then hit the ground at a very high speed. If an airplane plummets to the ground from 20, 30,000 feet, there is nearly zero chance of survival, but a plane that crashes from the height of, let's say, the roof of a small one-story house, it's more likely to bump and slide to a halt. Interesting, but why 15 feet? Why not 10 or 20? Well, according to Garner, 15 feet seemed high enough to still fly a plane, but low enough to not put passenger lives at risk, which is the FAA's main focus here. I actually spoke to several air travelers and most seem, at the very least, cautiously optimistic. I was bummed at first because I figured the view wouldn't be as good, but then I took a work trip to Tulsa and realized that flying at 15 feet cuts a good 30 minutes from takeoff and landing.
I don't know why they didn't think of this sooner. I definitely feel safer. But it's good to know that I can open the emergency exit at any time, and it won't be as big as a deal as when I tried at 30,000 feet. I think it's a good idea.
Oh my God, get down! Was that a plane? Yes, an Airbus A321, in fact, as it was weaving in and out of houses and tall buildings. The FAA is still in the process of marking flight paths for unsuspecting pedestrians, but for now, they're reminding the public to look both ways before walking outside. I see.
And how much safer is this new rule? I asked Garner the same thing, and this is what he told me. We've had zero casualties in every one of the 42 crashes that have occurred since the new regulation went into effect. And most of these crashes were what we call a wing ding. That's when a plane wing clips a billboard or a radio tower. Flying has always been a safe way to travel, but now we can say that it's even safer. In fact, it's much more likely to be killed at home standing on your second floor balcony than it is to die in the airplane that sideswiped it. Well, it sounds like the new rule has been keeping passengers safe so far.
Indeed. OPR's Marcy Hammond reporting. Thank you, Marcy. Thank you.
A new report from the Surgeon General's Office aims to change the way we think about cocaine. In a surprising reversal on dangers of the drug, Surgeon General Dr. Jerome Adams held a press conference today and had this to say. While this department still strongly advises the public against dangerous habitual cocaine use, I'd just like to clarify that a bit of blow here and there won't kill you.
I think the Surgeon General's new stance on cocaine might be a little more laid back than what we're used to. You could certainly say that, yeah. It's a step back from the previous position of the US Public Health Service, though Adams clarified that despite his new viewpoint, his office is not advocating for any serious changes to its regulations. Take a listen. Extensive, regular cocaine use can still lead to abusing harder, deadlier drugs, sure. But if you're just looking for a quick pick-me-up after having a few too many drinks down at the club, stopping into the bathroom for a little nose candy with your buddies ain't that big a deal. Oh, wow. Well, that is good news. And what did the Surgeon General have to say about doing an eight ball off a stripper's back? Yeah, he touched on that briefly and mentioned that as long as you don't do it every night, you're all good. Oh, yeah, fucking right. And that you'd be better off limiting your use to special occasions or a quick bump every now and then before a big meeting.
Or a podcast. Yes, or a podcast. Yeah, a lot of podcasts. You know, the news happens every night and then I got to talk about it right away and get a podcast out every day, you know?
And what about Molly? What did he say about Molly? I don't think they said anything about MDMA in this latest report.
Can you ask? Because that's my shit. I think it's important to add that the report did say to be cautious because some guys out there aren't pushing that premium booger sugar and you could end up with some bad shit that's laced with angel dust. Angel what? Which the Surgeon General said could be a quote, major bummer in the wrong circumstance.
Oh, fuck.
Leslie, what's wrong? Where's that fucking voice coming from? Leslie, it's just me. I'm a reporter. I'm doing a report. What the fuck? Where is my body? There is no me. I have to eat this or else I'm going to die. Okay, well, I'm going to go back to work now. Hear that?
That's the sound of a rock hard erection you can only get from the performance enhancing chewables at bluetew.com. With the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, the chewables from Bluetew work faster so you can last longer. No in-person doctor visit, no awkward conversation, no waiting in line at the pharmacy, no having to pull out your limp penis at CVS to prove the prescription's yours. It only takes a few minutes to connect with a bluetew.com affiliated physician and, if you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly. The best part? You can take them anytime, day or night, even on a full stomach. Ooh, sexy. And here's a great deal for you guys. Visit bluetew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code TOPICAL. Pay $5 shipping. That's blue, B-L-U-E, chew.com, promo code topical, so you can chew it and do it.
Hmm, I probably shouldn't have taken these at work. Well, not every news story is worthy of an award-winning journalist breaking it down for a couple of minutes with audio clips and interviews. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be generally aware that they happened. So here's what else you need to know today.
The FDA today approved of the idea of finding a coronavirus cure, citing that such a cure could help stop the spread of the virus, and that would be a very good thing to do if they're able.
After public outcry, Microsoft Word has announced they'll be removing their Mass Shooter manifesto template. The feature, which included unique fonts, layouts, and lists of reasons why, will no longer be available in future versions of the software.
And finally, I saw a guy on the subway today eating a whole head of cabbage like it was an apple. It was pretty wild. Well that's the topical for today, I'm Leslie Price, and I hope you've gained enough fresh news today to forget whatever the news was yesterday. The topical is written, produced, and edited by a great team of people. I won't name them all right now, but it's not because I don't know their names, it's because someone else needs this room and it looks like they're getting mad. |
SaturdayNightLive | forceington_s_ridge_snl | You're watching the Soap Channel. We now return to a classic 1984 episode of Forcingtons Ridge. everyone, I hope you're all enjoying the champagne. it's made right here at Forcington Vineyards. And if you're lucky, I'll give you the recipe. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Earl, Alexia, your jokes like your brave hairdos always work. someone's trying to butter me up before I judge the Polo Horse race contest this afternoon. Earl, Alexia, I don't need luck. my horse is Huge, really big. he said no. Well, then I guess it's my job as the judge to be the judge of that big horse.
Now, please, everyone, make your way to the garden for some canapes. am I saying that, right? lead the way, my dear. no, I think I'll hang back a moment. I need to adjust my breasts in this big mirror. there, perfect. Hello, Alexia. well, well, well. Sandrine St. cassent tape. you waited for my mirror shot. Well, with your vanity and wandering breasts, I knew just where to find you.
I didn't realize you had an invite. maybe you forgot to send it, like you didn't forget not to fellatiate my husband every day. Well, you said that wrong, But I did do it, and I'll do it again today. better you than me, darling. my mouth is exit only. what are you doing here in my home? your home? you didn't hear? I found out about your secret for a culture, and I thought I could use someplace to go to the bathroom when I had guests over. you bitch. takes one to be one.
Ugh! ugh! ugh! you're going to regret this! I'm gonna fight you back here for a hundred pounds. ugh! let me show you how I really feel. must be in my lipstick. Yes. what is that shade called, anyway? desperate hug. when I get over there, I'm gonna. hey, yo! let me down! with pleasure. right over there! ugh! that almost hurt. how'd you like it when your face hit my table? it's my table now, remember? So I loved it. as much as you're going to love the taste of my face. ugh! ugh! ugh! ew! ugh! ow! ugh! ugh! ugh! ugh!
Alexia! Sandrine! My God! I certainly hope this violence is about who's fallatiating me. by the way, tick tock. no, darling. this is about something much, much bigger.
Okay, I feel like that's a dig at me. you two have been friends for 50 years. 15, 15. Yeah, sure. Barty's right, you know. this is no way for two friends to behave. friends? we're not friends. business partners, then? business partners? with my financial acumen and your champagne recipe, we'll be unstoppable. Well, that might be the best idea I've heard all day. shall we talk through the details over lunch? Yes, lunch.
Oh! Blay! Storm, are you coming? to Forcington's cassette tape venue. cheering and applause. |
dropout | the_ultimate_avengers_recap | Salutations, my super cool superhero superfans! Sorry, I know you're all jiggity jazzed about this summer's Avengers sequel, but an assload has happened in this series since the first Avengers. Here's what you need to know about each team member before dragging your tush to the multiplex. Phase two of the DC Cinematic Universe begins with Thor, the Winter World. This is also the movie that introduces us to the villain Thanos, a super intelligent alien who was banished from the Lantern Corps and has now escaped from the Phantom Zone. Why is this important, you ask? Maybe because it's Thanos who sends his first Lieutenant Ultron to conquer Earth in the upcoming movie Rage of Ultron. More on that later. Thorman is also the first Avenger to encounter the seven legendary gems at the center of these films, the Dark Crystals. Thorman tracks down the first Dark Crystal with help from his strong but dim-witted brother Loki, plus Heindahl, played by the universally reviled actor, Idris Ilba.
Sorry about that, superfans. He's a dud.
Okay, in The Dark Soldier, Captain America Man faces off against his oldest nemesis, the Winter Man. It's a brutal match that nearly drives Captain America Man insane. But in the end, Captain America Man captures the Winter Man and brainwashes him into an ally known as Bucky O'Hare Man. Captain America Man must also save his unnamed girlfriend, seen here.
But the real bombshell for Captain America Man is when S.H.I.E.L.D. is dismantled by a subversive fascist organization called Spectre. Of course, that's not the canon name. True fans know the group by its real title, Cobra. With S.H.I.E.L.D. disbanded, Captain America Man is forced to become his alter ego, the Human Torch Man.
Of course, no recap would be complete without talking about the most anticipated movie of this cycle, Mark Ruffalo in The Hulk. That's right, after 10 years, we finally got a Hulk movie. And boy, did they nail it on their first swing. Man, what took you so long to make a Hulk movie, DC Comics? In The Guardians, Owls of Gohul, the Star Man and his ragtag group join the DC Cinematic Universe, armed only with their wits and the Star Man's cassette player of late-90s pop music.
He also meets a mysterious unnamed tree creature, who is he? What does he call himself? Does he even have a name?
Let's hope we get the answer to all these questions in the new film. Now, there are a few other characters that you aren't required to know, but if you have time, these movies really help flesh out the world. Movies like Iron Man 4, The British Avengers, and Zack Snyder's Man of Steel. You know, I gotta say it's really cool to see Zack Snyder's style rub off on Josh Whedon. The universe is also spread to network television. If you want, you can learn more about S.H.I.E.L.D. on Black Widow's hit ABC series, Blackish. This brings us to the Avengers, Rage of Ultron. In this film, Captain America Man, Star Man, Rascal Raccoon, and the human torch man will take on Ultron, Thanos' sexually deviant robot. First of all, rumor has it that this movie will have a lot more of fan favorite, the Hawkeye. He's as deadly with his bow as he is with his trademark zingers. So now you're ready to watch the Avengers.
I'll see you at the movies. I'll be in the back row, sucking my own dick. |
SaturdayNightLive | art_fern_saturday_night_live | But first, friends, are you tired of just watching Tv? wouldn't you like to be part of the exciting world of show business? Well, now you can when you join the Johnny Carson school of Acting. just find a piece of shtick and work her to death every night for 20 years. I do my best work at night. Ooh, I'll bet you do. Friends, I hear you saying, I don't do any funny characters. do what I did. steal some. copy Jack Benny's mannerisms. rip off Jonathan Winter's blabby old lady. do a soothsayer from the East, just like Steve Allen, and you have gotten yourself one hell of a career. I even stole the character I'm doing now.
Ever notice how much I, Art Fern, sound like Reginald Van Gleason? My! Reginald Van Gleason? that's not a coincidence. that's being smart. Now, back to our movie. Fritz Weaver, Dennis Weaver, Eldridge and Beaver Cleaver, and Wally comes out of the closet. that was Bruce Lee, Vivian Lee, London Lee, and Biff, the Cambodian boat dog in Ma and Pa Kettle, Try a diaphragm.
Now, friends, you're saying, I'd like to be in show business, but I hate to work night after night. Well, friends, do what I did. start your own production company. I'll show you how to work one hour a day, four nights a week, five months a year, and make millions of dollars.
And if the Network doesn't like it, do what I do.: take the President of Nbc for a ride on the San Bernardino Freeway, to the San Diego Freeway, to the Slauson cut-off, get out of your car, and if he still objects, tell him what I told Freddy Silverman. go take a flying fort in the road. Now, back to Wally Cox, Charlie Weaver, Paulin, in Goodbye Hollywood Squares. Thanks for watching! |
SaturdayNightLive | bill_clinton_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | And now a message from former President Bill Clinton and the rest of the Clinton family. Good evening, America. these past few weeks have been a difficult time for me and my family as a number of questions have surfaced concerning my conduct in the final days of my presidency. for most of you, the main question is, why did I pardon fugitive billionaire Mark Rich? Or perhaps some of you may be asking, why did I pardon my own brother Roger? Howdy, folks. hey, hey, hey, use a coaster. that table's from the White House. Maybe you're asking, why did I pardon convicted felons Carlos Vignale and Almond Glenn Braswell, or why did Hillary's brother Hugh Rodham accept $400,000 from the aforementioned drug dealer and swindler? Say hello, Hugh. hey, Ho. Or you might ask why Hillary's own campaign manager had me spring a couple of tax cheats caught skimming millions from Bonanza Steakhouse because they make good steak. America, you deserve answer to all these troubling questions, And tonight I'd like to offer one simple explanation that covers them all.
I do what I likes, and I likes what I do. Oh, come on, folks, we're the Clintons. what do you expect? look at us. they should expect more. I am very disheartened and disappointed in you and my brothers. I'll fall for that each and every time. you folks, you know what we're talking about. we're not some fancy, high-class gourmet dinner. we're a Big Mac extra value meal. super sized. everyone loves a Big Mac, but when you finish your Big Mac, you feel kind of queasy in the stomach, and you say to yourself, i'm never eating a Big Mac again, but you can't help it. it's tasty. you keep coming back. all I'm saying is, y'all are never gonna get tired of us. we're like the Sopranos in a pickup truck. we're an outlaw gang. we're frigging Bonnie and Clyde and the James Gang, and hee Haw all roll into one. we're the Clinton gang, and we rob banks. you can't wait to find out what we're gonna pull next. Any one of us could be seen on Fox Tv, running through backyards, followed by shaky cam until we're caught hiding under a doghouse.
Hell, I already been on cops. he's been on cops. we got scandals and crimes out there y'all don't even know about yet. Oh, come on. give him a little hint, bro. no, that's bull. Oh, come on, Bill. just tell him a little. he'll be moving. All right. next thing you're gonna hear about is gonna be a Clinton all-star scandal. Live from New York. it's Saturday night. we'll be right back. |
SaturdayNightLive | josh_brolin_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Brolin! thank you. thank you so much. I love being here. you know, it's been 12 years since I last hosted, and I've missed this place. I mean, so much has changed. not really. it's the same, but. but the band. I mean, a couple guys, but, you know, it's all. Anyway, it all seems different, but it's the same. the first time I hosted was in 2008. musical guest was someone I'd never heard of before. Adele. now she's a global superstar. The second time I hosted, the musical guest was Gotye. and now he's just someone that I used to know.
12 years. where does it go? I mean, look at the milestones that we've experienced.
Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg Ripping Bong hits together. Cardi B's hit song, Wet Ass Pastrami.
I was a purple dude, Thanos, with a scrotum chin who snapped half the population into dust. it's been a good 12 years. I've been directing. I've been writing a lot.
I wrote an apparently super creepy poem about Timothy Chalamet. Look, I don't think it's creepy, but you be the judge. Lights. your face is etched by adolescence. your cheekbones jut toward what are youth-laden eyes that slide down a prominent nose and onto lips of a certain poetry. I mean, it's weird. yeah, but I. no, I don't want to sleep with him, but I just. that's what I do. I write poems about everyone I work with. like this week, I wrote a poem about Keenan. what's that you say now? Yeah, remember we were rehearsing, and I was looking at you, your face, and I just got inspired. lights. I look at you with your ageless face and slide down furrowed brow onto sultry eyes, then jumping off onto your sugar cookie cheeks into the divots of your laugh lines awakens in me a symphony of desire to which I can only say, what up with that? coo, coo, coo, coo, coo. Love you. Anywho, I write a lot. I even have a book coming out later this year called from Under the Truck. whole book is about Keenan.
So this is my third time hosting, and, man, there's just nothing like it, you know? I've been doing cold plunges for 20 years, right? and the only thing I can compare this show to is that. I mean, hosting is like jumping into an ice bath, you know? it's scary. it's exhilarating. the penis is in your stomach. there's just no way to prepare for it. So what you got to do is just jump right in. surrender to the discomfort. you ready for this? |
TheOnion | New_Kindle_Helps_Readers_Show_Off_By_Shouting_Title_Of_Book_Loudly_And_Repeatedly | Readers, rejoice! This week, Amazon unveiled the Kindle Flare, the latest model of their popular e-reader. The improved device has the ability to loudly and repeatedly announce the title of the book you're reading so everyone knows how smart you are. The hot new e-reader includes a massive catalog of titles, a sleek, easy-to-use interface and a loud, clear voice that barks the name and author of your book on a loop. Amazon says the repetitive shouting is a small feature that makes a big difference. Readers say that with crystal clear 150-decibel stereo speakers, the Flare provides the most conspicuous reading experience yet.
You know, I wasn't planning on getting a tablet.
I love that feeling of paper in your hands as you angle the cover for everyone to see, but this Kindle just is good. Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers. I've read it before, but I'm reading it again. It's light, it fits in my bag, tells everyone on the train I'm reading Murakami. When you're not reading, the Flare automatically switches into bookshelf mode, which conserves power and reads off a list of everything on your Kindle. Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy O'Toole. And if you want to read without broadcast mode, Amazon has you covered. I don't always feel like telling everyone around me what book I'm in the middle of. So when I'm reading something I'm not proud of, I use Auto-Explain. Reading Inferno by Dan Brown.
It's silly, but whatever. Also reading, infinite jest.
Some prominent authors have gotten on board with the new e-book trend. Junot Diaz told TechTrends, quote, It doesn't matter what the format is. The only thing that matters is getting my work into the hands of readers, so they can impress strangers and maybe sleep with someone who thinks they are interesting. And Amazon's competition has also stepped up their game as Apple released a new iPad that whispers, I have an iPad, over and over again. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Help_How_Do_We_Stop_Shoplifting_Says_Supermarket_Duopoly_Vote_No_To_Indig_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly Bullet, my name is Clancy Overall, joined by Errol Parker and Effie Bateman. Has anyone heard from Wendell? Yes, he's just arrived in the British Virgin Islands, he's meeting with our accountants at the advocate's head office over there.
Unfortunately we are going to have to pay some corporate tax this year, we're going to pay a little bit more on that after we got paid the end of May by the Labour Party for writing all of these disparaging articles about the Liberal Party. We got paid in, we got $65 million worth of bitcoin for writing articles. Which is hard to wash. In support of people that wanted some progressive policies in this country at the last election. So anyway, it's hard to wash that kind of money, you end up having to pay tax on it. It's impossible to wash, I mean we're having to pay tax in our jurisdictions in Pakistan, Ireland, Vanuatu.
I used to literally think that washing money was actually physically washing money. God bless your heart. Well you do need to do that too if you're dealing with cocaine, profits from selling drugs because there ends up being so much drug product on the cash in the trap house that just a bootload of cash can be sniffed out by a drug dog. Is it like a certain percentage of American cash has cocaine on it? Yeah, especially the stuff that's sitting next to the big pile of it. When I used to work in pubs, sometimes after Melbourne Cup we used to have to wash the money because it was so sticky.
It's revolting. But yes, anyway, we're having to pay a bit of tax aren't we because the left don't know how to pull off a bribe. We have to do our part, you know, help people pay for things like hospitals, schools, even though we don't use them, need to pay for all these geriatrics to get a basic standard of aged care and not end up on four corners after you're getting flogged with a cake of soap in a fucking dishcloth.
Do you think that people who don't have kids should pay taxes? Who don't have kids? If you don't have kids then you shouldn't pay taxes.
To educate someone else's kids? But then what if it's the same argument where people are like, oh, if they don't have kids then our kids are the ones who are going to look after them in their old folk homes, you know. That's a bit of an overreach, but yeah, it'll mostly be immigrants doing that.
Who paid for your hospital visit when you came off your razors scooter two years ago and grazed your nipple off on the road? I mean, it was the Australian taxpayer that paid for skin to be taken off your arse cheek and put on your chest. I know, that hurt like fuck. Anyway, what's in the news this week, Effie?
Well, starting off and, help, how do we stop shoplifting? Says supermarket duopoly that replaced staff with computers. Yes, Australian supermarket giants Coles and Woolworths have both revealed to the media this week that their honest business model is currently being plagued by an emerging trend of shoplifting, across the country that is, as inflated prices push more and more people to literally steal food in order to survive. Yes, the supermarkets say they are attempting to fight the spike in theft but have chosen to blame the trend on organised crime, rather than starving Australians struggling to keep their heads above water in the face of a cost of living crisis that both corporations of this supermarket duopoly have gleefully exploited. But despite this, Coles delivered a net profit of $1.09 billion, which was up a paltry 4.8% on last year, off the back of a pandemic that they undeniably benefited from with an unregulated injection of JobKeeper stimulus payments and the ability to fire whomever they wanted and replace with labour hire casuals. Both companies say they are investing in a variety of methods to combat this spike in thefts, including the rolling out of smart gates that stop consumers from exiting a store without paying and implementing trolley locks, all of which do not require salaries or insurance and don't have fucking eyeballs like staff do. The staff that usually stop people from shoplifting.
Up next in Vote No to Indigenous Voice says same heroic Aussies that saved our environment and housing market. Opponents of the Indigenous Voice to Parliament have used the official no campaign launch in Perth to suggest the referendum debate is dividing the community. The campaign launch over in the West comes after WA Liberal leader Libby Metum last week revealed that she would be reversing her position on the voice to no. Everywhere else except Tasmania, the Liberals are fighting against the referendum and demanding Australians vote no against the proposal to constitutionally recognise Aboriginal people and provide their elders with a room in Parliament House to advise politicians on cultural factors when drafting up programs aimed at fixing disadvantage in the Aboriginal community. Judging by the crowd though at the campaign launch, it looks exactly like the same heroic grey-haired Australians that are always the first to step in and help their fellow man. The same demographic that have valiantly protected our natural environment from being destroyed by the accelerated burning of fossil fuels and also protected their fellow Australians right to affordable housing in a manipulated property bubble. Isn't that always the same?
The people who resist change the most are the ones that are nearly dead. Yes, and the ones who benefited from revolutionary infrastructural decisions. Unfortunately they built a beautiful world for themselves and then shut the door.
And up next, ABC Four Corners reveal AFL has a problem with homosexuality and basically anything that's not missionary. Yep, another Monday night, another episode of Four Corners trying to take down another esteemed Australian institution. But the ABC aired an episode of that show centred around the fact that no one, past or present in the AFL are openly gay or even bisexual.
The only major professional sporting code in the world to not have a proud lavender-centred Paddington and bowler in the locker rooms. A recent report by the CSIRO has also found that in addition to this, 95% of AFL players present and past have only ever made love in the missionary position. Of the 5% that have allegedly dabbled outside of this conservative Victorian style of love making, a vast majority have only ever tried side doggy with their partners, lights off of course.
Woof woof. And lastly, we're going to finish off with something very highbrow.
As a woman who refuses to fart in front of boyfriend, unaware he's heard her give an absolute performance in her sleep. Yes, Battuta Heights woman Addison Donahue reckons her boyfriend has quote, never heard her fart in the four years they've been together, but it can be revealed by the advocate that she does quite a lot of one cheek squeak in her sleep, which would absolutely mortify her if she ever found out the truth. Addison says that maintaining the mystery has been crucial to the success of their healthy sex life, stating she won't even let her boyfriend Harry brush his teeth while she's having a pee. However, according to Harry, Addison has not only farted in front of him plenty of times, but actually delivered some absolute stinkers. He said she must be holding them in all day because once she's asleep, it's like she starts deflating.
It's not just one, but a succession of farts. It begins to take on almost a musical quality, an anal orchestra, if you will.
Yes. Who thinks that this newspaper is a sleaze sheet, as Andrew Bolt once called it. How long do you have to be going out with someone before you're comfortable in letting them know that you're cutting a colon loaf? Did you look that up? You don't truly know someone until you've stared them deep in the eye while they're having a shit. Accidentally, of course. Yes.
Or if you're both in Thailand and you've been shockingly food poisoned and you're taking turns using the only bathroom that you have. In a studio bed-sit from Airbnb. In the middle of June when it's stinking hot and you can just feel the heat radiating around you and radiating from within you. I could use a bit of e.coli food poisoning. E.coli dysentery coming into summer. Maybe a tapeworm.
You could just do what Albo did and go on Ozempic. Get in a car crash and go on Ozempic.
Yes. Sure. Hook us up Albo. And we're not talking about all that cash that you guys are funneling into our pockets via Bitcoin. We're talking about some Ozempic because we've got to have a summer glow up too Albo. Anyway, thanks for listening. That's it from us today. It's a weekly patoota and this has gone on far too long. Thank you.
Bye. Booyakasha. Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_u_s_shoots_down_chinese_spy_balloon_fbi_searches_biden_s_beach_house_snl | It's Weekend Up Day with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Up Day. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotting crossing the United States, officially ending history's most complicated gender reveal party. And bad news for China, it's a girl. Chinese officials condemned the U.s. decision to destroy the surveillance balloon, saying it was a civilian aircraft. Okay, but even civilian aircrafts can be extremely dangerous. the revised Ap African American History class removed the names of several Black authors that Florida officials called problematic. instead, they've been replaced with authors they call one of the good ones. Representative George Santos said that he is stepping aside from his committee assignments to prevent being a distraction. he added, the last thing I want is attention. Then he sashayed away in a feather boa. It was also reported that George Santos lied to potential campaign donors that he was a producer of the Broadway musical Spider-man Turn Off the Dark. though he did end up working with the Green Goblin.
Speaker of the House, Kevin Mccarthy, seen here, wanting to know if you or someone you love has been injured in a car accident, met in person with President Biden about the debt ceiling and said they had a good conversation. it went so well, Biden let him pick a couple classified documents out of the bowl. The Fbi searched President Biden's Delaware Beach House but found no classified documents. Also, the next time somebody tells you that Biden got billions from China, remember that his Beach House is in Delaware. It was announced that Donald Trump's golf courses will host three live golf tournaments this year, furthering Trump's ties to Saudi Arabia. their relationship makes sense. I mean, Saudi Arabia needs venues for their golf tournaments, and Trump needs oil for that big old dump truck.
The Senate voted to designate January National Stalking Awareness Month, which is a good reminder that we're only a few weeks away from stalker Christmas. too close to home? Wow. Florida has proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. Also, everyone gets to do one murder. newly released video of a deposition to New York's Attorney General's office shows former President Trump taking a fifth hundreds of times, also taking a fifth his lawyer. For the first time ever, two brothers will be facing off against each other in the Super Bowl. incidentally, two brothers in the Super Bowl is why my grandfather won't be watching. on February, man. Wow. |
TheOnion | Niece_To_Eat_You_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_6 | I'm at Dinner Kingdom in Trenton, New Jersey to see if their roast pig really is fit for a king. My excitement doth grow, my lord. Let's go! The American Dream is having it all with a side of pork. This is Porkin' Across America. After the tragic deaths of my dog and my crack addicted niece Hannah and the graft of pig skin onto my burnt hands and the pig palate transplant into my mouth as well as my divorce and the subsequent misunderstanding that led to my wife being attacked by one of this show's PAs, it's no surprise that I was ready for a lot of pork. And the best place to get a pig fix is this medieval theme restaurant established in 1997.
Today is my niece's funeral. And even though I'm in New Jersey, thanks to modern technology, I won't have to miss a minute of it. Look, just set the laptop up in the corner of the room and I can see everything that's going on. I'm setting up a webcam at my daughter's funeral.
Do you hear what you're saying? Look, I know it's not ideal, but with Skype I can pay my respects without having to leave work. Hey, Jim, what the hell are you talking about? Look, you could even take me up to the podium at some point so I could speak. Phil, I loved her too. You weren't complaining when I offered to pay for the funeral. Fine, Jim, I just don't want to think about this anymore.
I've been promised the royal treatment from Dinner Kingdom's weekend manager and lead actor Brian Heckman. Welcome to Dinner Kingdom, the tastiest fiefdom in all of hungryvania, my liege. Serve King Haggerty as a rare treat for our humble castle. Wow, this is a trip. The castle goers all looked the part, and so did I when they dressed me in historic king clothing. Behold my cool vestment. If you had told me a couple of weeks ago that I'd be drinking pig's blood from a silver chalice in Trenton, New Jersey, I would have told you to get right out of town. Every night here at Dinner Kingdom, they not only serve delicious pork, but also put on a thrilling show filled with medieval intrigue and swordplay. Knights, I am pleased to welcome tonight's Lord of Dinner, Jim Haggerty. After everything I've been through on the road, it's really great to have some loyal subjects for a change. May the ceremony begin. Dinner Kingdom is rated among the top 15 medieval themed restaurants in New Jersey. It's good to be the king. You will never rule Hungryvania, you wicked dog.
Hey, what's the Wi-Fi password? Wi-Fi?
Is that some sort of dog magic? You guys know how to stay in character. No, really, I'm trying to Skype into my niece's funeral. Oh, I'm so sorry. Just use that neck gear 7718. Oh, R's another word. Some pig's blood for my loyal courtesan. No thanks.
Network's a little wonky. I'm online now. Log back in. What's going on over there? Where are you? Okay, I see you on. I'm Skyping now.
Thanks for this. It means a lot to me.
I can't see. What am I on? On a chair here? I'll always remember him as a girl with a boundless sense of adventure. I can't see.
Hey, hey. I'm so sorry. Can you move me, please? I can't see the body. You are defeated, Eastern Swine. Deb, Deb, I know you can hear me. I didn't know that PA was going to attack you. And Hannah was always the first one to help. Somebody mean to Hannah? Sure. The princess shall be mine. What was that? Sorry, sorry. That's on my end.
Let me try to figure out how to mute myself without muting you guys. Hey, everyone, the battle's wrapping up. I'm going to be over in a second. I'll be quiet. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. Excuse me. Can you turn that thing off? Your Grace, could you turn it down a bit?
There have been some complaints from the peasants. I think I left some headphones in the van. Why don't you go get them for me?
My lord, I have slain the usurper. Thank you, Sir Knight. And as soon as I'm finished with the funeral here, we're going to drink copious mean. King Haggity, your celebratory main course is served. Hey, cool it out, Phil. This is Hannah's special day.
Quiet, quiet, everyone. Sorry, you're just going to have to mute the funeral laptop. Can you shut that thing down? We're trying to enjoy our dinner. Be quiet, everyone.
You disrespect me this way? Am I not your king?
I have to go to this funeral and I get paid by enjoying pork. I have to do these things. Everyone just needs to call.
Oh, I'm having...
It was a massive coronary episode. You now have a pig's heart. They said there was no resistance at all from your immune system. That could be from all the pig's blood I've been drinking. Although they did notice that your body was attacking your human organs, because of all the grafts and the transplants. So they replaced your lower intestine, pancreas and liver with pig organs. I am pig?
Okay. Has anyone called for me? No. No one's called.
Well, another great pork meal in the USA. I want to thank Dinner Kingdom for allowing me to live out my lifelong dream of being a king on television. And thanks to Skype for enabling me to enjoy my niece's funeral simultaneously.
In this digital connected world we live in, there's no reason, no reason for us to compromise. We can have it all.
What is the biggest rock?
I'm not telling you anything. Every goddamn asshole don't already know. |
cracked | monster_management_improv | Oh, there was judgment in that answer. More than was warranted. So you do think that some judgment was warranted?
I'm sharing an idea with you that is very special to me. I love the idea. Tell me more about this great idea of yours, OK?
So it's an app. Yeah, it is an Apple phone application. You're getting into the app game now? Yeah. You don't have, like, a castle and no need for that kind of work?
Tell me about my dream, my dream of an app. Your dream of an app? How old is this dream?
Since a long time, long time. Tell me, how long have you been into apps? For thousands of years.
That's a s***. OK, tell me this. What do you do in your day? You've got nothing to do. You can just sit and what? Not in the day. No, duh.
Are you aware of the tropes of employees? Fair enough, I'm sorry. I thought you slept during the day. I know that you turned into an old, OK? So, like, concern yourself with the people around you. Fair enough, OK, OK, I'm sorry.
Then we don't talk about it. We talk about other stuff. We don't need to only watch and talk about Orange is the New Black. When we go to the bar to hang out with each other and not be lonely on the internet at the bar, we just talk about whatever, what our day was like, what we want to do with our lives, what life is.
I don't know, man. I will invite you out sometime so you can experience what people talk about. Like, just go out with your friends. Yeah. Like, I'm confused as to why you're confused.
We set it up now because I hate the thing is I'm very bad on the phone and I don't. Oh, I hate the phone. The mail, it's hard to do all the sexting, everybody. Do you have like a Bluetooth-y kind of thing you can just do?
Yeah, I have, well, I have voice command in the coffin. OK, so you're fine. I have speakers and CD. So I'll call you in, I guess, during the daytime because you'll be in the coffin then. Right. Wake you up if that's OK. Yeah.
And I'll let you know when we're going out. I'll find the bar with free Wi-Fi. How are you going to do that? With my app.
Oh, you're kidding. OK. What's your blood called? Blue. Oh. Blur, B-O-E-H dot gov. Transylvanian government, they give them out like. Oh, yeah?
So could I get one or do you have to be a citizen? You'll know. You got to know the guy. I know the guy. So you'll bring Simon. I'll have to like talk to and get to know him and then.
Well, a blog is a special thing. You know, not everyone can just have a blog. Yeah, not everyone gets a blog.
I'm the king of the night. People want to know what I have to say about my day. Not these bastards, but the people. People who read your blog.
Yeah. Suburban Georgetown. The Killer's Reeboks.
There you go. Whisper on the. Sound it out. You're reading that. Sound it out. Read your own thing. I'm reading. You're reading. Look, I'm immortal, all right? There's plenty of time to learn to read. OK, that's not.
Yeah, you clearly used all that time you have had. You think you're so great. You think you're so high in life.
I don't. I'm sorry. I don't.
Feel that material. Feel that.
OK. I haven't seen the Keanu Reeves' Dracula film. I'm glad you don't subscribe to my blog. OK, because there's going to be a choice piece about a werewolf I met today. Good. I'm not glad about that.
What's your blog called? It's a dot gov. You're not. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you that. No, ask me that again. Huh? What's your blog called?
Blue! Blue. Blue.org.
Who beat you? When did you get bit? My buddy Craig. Dick. Beat you on the dick. And he just straight infected your whole body? He knew what he was doing, yeah.
OK, so you've got to assume some kind of... some kind of gay thing. You don't have to assume it. You've got a little... You can ask. You don't have to assume.
Yes, my friend Craig was sucking my dick. Right. This is what... He bit it. And that's fine. I'm a vampire. I know.
You know, I have sex in a pile of trolls. Human trolls of every shape and size. This is not going to make the head. It's too vulgar for the people.
It could go on YouTube, maybe. Yeah, YouTube extras. These would make excellent YouTube extras.
Yeah. I think Swamp Thing is doing a lot of good work lately. Did you see his set? At the Yuck Yuck? I don't go to Yuck Yuck. He did a 10 minute open mic. It was pretty solid. They let him do 10 minutes at Yuck Yuck.
Well, you can't really stop this Swamp Thing. No, you cannot.
If he wants to talk, he's going to talk, that guy. So this is like a pipe dream of yours? You're actually going to try to take over this agency. I am going to manage this Swamp Thing's stand-up career.
I don't see what's confusing. I like the older receptionists. They're a lot better, you know?
No, I started coming when he was here. Oh, you never knew Casey. He was a good guy. Yeah. We would go after the meeting sometimes, grab a burrito. You made a friend. Why are you like so fucking surprised? Like that's impossible. For me to have a friend?
No, no, no. Oh, because I don't read. I kind of have friends and I have dreams of a world where, you know, everyone has the app and the... You? I'm going to turn this way. You can't read? That's not even what I was implying. What? I could have sworn you said you couldn't read. I choose not to read.
Okay. Okay? You could if you wanted to. Yeah. Because you...
The guy he was before zombie guy. You knew zombie... Proto-zombie?
Anti-Semitic. I mean, I don't know if that transfers after you're a zombie. I doubt it. Well, no, it's mostly the brains. Yeah, not much transfers over. They eat the brains. They're so stupid. Zombie.
Okay. Excuse me. You want to have a career in entertainment. Maybe put a lid on that shit. I mean, I... That's a week out of my life I could be using.
You can get sick? Sure. You can get sick? Oh, I can get sick. I just thought, you know, immortal undead sort of thing. Oh, you get sick. You drink some blood. You get better.
Or like the... I thought maybe you're just constantly sick. Uh-huh. Like forever. You just look sickly. So maybe...
I have the pale cast of reanimated corpse, yes. The patterned donut. That's the beauty of it. That's what everyone finds so erotic about vampire. The rotting corpse part? Yeah, and the immortality and the giant schlong.
I mean, I don't want to talk out of school, but, you know, the turning into a bat is not so bad. Yeah, hot. If it's a ghost chick. Or a guy. Anyway. Yeah.
So you said your buddy Craig, you know... Oh, we're through. ...introduce me then. Why can't I mean Craig? Sounds like a biter. Sounds like a firecracker. You know, this Craig. So this entire time, you're just chatting me up. You're like really interested in me and talking to me. But now you want Craig to...
Okay. If that's all right.
Yeah, that makes me feel really great. You are nightmares personified, and that is not a phrase I band-aid about recklessly. Literally the first time I've ever heard it.
We're not here to tell you how to be scarier. We don't have experience in that end. Anyways, it's none of our business. Could you even imagine if we tried to get into scary? We would just embarrass ourselves. What we do know?
Branding. You need to start thinking. Really thinking about your brand. |
TheOnion | Cardinals_Elect_New_Crisis_Management_Director | The word innovate is said over 24 million times at South by Southwest. NASA designers release a flirty new space skirt, and the newest episode of Girls features Lena Dunham shitting herself during a gyno exam while eating a burrito. As requested by your hundreds of thousands of desperate weekly emails, here is another installment of The Onion Week in Review.
This Wednesday, the Catholic Church selected its newest crisis management director. Vatican officials said that though the Church's last crisis management director said he could no longer handle the overwhelming demands of the position, they hope the new director will bring ample skill to the ever-changing job, and be even better than his 265 predecessors.
This week, 14-year-old congressional whiz kid Paul Ryan balanced the U.S. budget. At an age when most boys are going to Little League practice and playing video games, the high school-aged wonder boy came up with a comprehensive financial reform program and made his mommy very proud.
On Thursday, Seattle-area consulting firm Brink and Tiller immediately called job applicant Corey Wilhelm after seeing that he had graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Communication. Company officials said that in addition to Wilhelm's impressive 3.2 GPA and the two summers he spent working at his father's realty company, they could barely believe he had time to be in a student acapella group. According to HR director Robert Bradshaw, the company is pursuing this exceptional candidate aggressively.
Hi Corey. Yeah, just checking in to see if you got my first message. Hey, sorry to keep bothering you, I'm just going to go out on a limb and see if maybe you wanted to come in today. You know what? Also, here's my personal cell, if that makes it easier. I could, you know, stay until 10 or 11 if you could possibly squeeze us in. You know what? Forget about the interview. You're hired. I hope I didn't offend you without trying to bring you in here stuff. That's just protocol.
And in this week's Op-Ed pages, Christopher Walken wonders what his life would be like if he hadn't turned down Star Wars and thrown Natalie Wood off that boat. In other news, a 450 pound man didn't go to the doctor for a lecture, a company lacks the manpower to complete the newest round of layoffs, and no one in a gang has the heart to tell a police informant that his cover is blown. Good job out there today. Now towel off, hit the showers, and keep checking TheOnion.com for more. |
cracked | 7_racist_and_sexist_ads_that_are_shockingly_recent_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and some advertisements are like that brief glimpse of the guy in the bear costume in The Shining, an arousing beacon of hope that you're not alone in a sexual wilderness, and other people are into the same weird thing that you... Wait. I'm being told most people find that scene creepy, so let's take it from the top. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and some advertisements are like that brief glimpse of the guy in the bear costume in The Shining.
A chilling clue about the messed up shit that went on behind the scenes that gets edited out of history books and newspaper stories about places and times you only think you know. For instance, the late 70s was a long, weird time ago, but it's recent enough that people who were horny during that decade are still alive, which is both convenient and terrifying because I have some questions for them. There's one person nobody can resist, and that's a baby. So love made baby soft, with the innocent scent of a cuddly, clean baby that grew up very sexy. So that perfume is for children between the ages of 12 and 15, but the ad seems to be targeting people who are already way too big a fan of that demographic, and hopefully in jail. Talk about preaching to the choir of pedophiles, which, by the way, the 70s, is a phrase I had to make up, and we've learned some pretty upsetting shit about priests these last 40 years.
Also, is her face numb because that's not how lollipops work? I'd ask if she's having a stroke, but hey, maybe that's your thing, the 70s. Anyone that needs to wear a diaper? I don't know anymore.
The really troubling thing is those ads weren't even controversial. Like in the 90s, when Calvin Klein tried to pass off screening interviews for a snuff film as marketing, and were immediately shamed into pulling the ads. Or more recently, when American Apparel's CEO made everyone feel like a sex offender until he was removed as CEO for being a sex offender. When Baby Soft creeped onto the scene in 1974, it actually started a trend. Like this MetLife insurance ad that targeted dads by showing them a picture of a prepubescent girl in her underwear. Dads love that. And the famous ad featuring a 14-year-old Brooke Shields telling us she's not wearing panties while the camera pans over her crotch.
You wanna know what comes between me and my Calvin's? Nothing. Calvin Klein jeans.
Rather than being creeped out by those ads, everyone was like, a star is born, find out if she'll do nudity. Then some guy fell in love with Jodie Foster as the child prostitute and taxi driver and shot Ronald Reagan to impress her. And adult males were suddenly aware of their mustaches and molester glasses and they felt shame like a sex offender garden of Eden.
Back in the year 2000, Nike attempted to capitalize on this hip new thing Generation X invented called trail running, otherwise known as running. The danger was that unasphalted terrain is more likely to turn ankles and lead to jogging-related spinal injuries as literally no one in history has ever experienced ever. Which is why it was super weird for Nike to deliver a print ad that explicitly promised their shoes would not paralyze you. I'm just gonna go ahead and read the text of this ad and hope you don't hate me for it. How can a trail running shoe with an outer sole designed like a goat's hoof help me avoid compressing my spinal cord into a slinky on the side of some unsuspecting conifer, thereby rendering me a drooling, misshapen, non-extreme trail running husk of my former self, forced to roam the earth in a motorized wheelchair with my name embossed on one of those cute little license plates you get at carnivals or state fairs fastened to the back.
That's probably enough. You get it, right? What a cool, even-handed way for a manufacturer of sporting goods to characterize people who suffer debilitating sports injuries. Too bad, suckers. We make shoes for people who have feet. F*** you.
Hey, at least they had a chance to make up for it years later with their not-at-all-over-compensating Oscar Pistorius bullet-themed ad campaign, and everyone lived happily ever after. Never to regret a decision again.
Look, I'm not gonna pretend you had any preconceived notions about what Estonia's like, but you probably remember the year 2012, right? Obama was president, you were wearing clothes you could probably still pull off today, and this Estonian gas company used a picture of the gates in front of Auschwitz on their website. The director of the company explained that he designed the ad after touring Auschwitz and learning that they used gas heating at the facility, and apparently immediately stopped listening.
You might remember this ad in which David Ortiz and Brian Erlacher beat up on Yang and Lau, two giants of the game. Get it, they're small. Everyone has a laugh at the absurdity of a shuttlecock getting embedded in someone's leg, and also the absurdity of the word shuttlecock. There's just one problem, Yang and Lau are actually Bob and Howard, two of the top badminton players on Team USA. Even though calling Asian people by Asian-sounding words is like the first thing we learn is racist, it's not at all uncommon in advertising.
Pierce, what's with the new sports car? How about a ride? Maybe.
When their 2007 Super Bowl ad, clearly made in the year 1987, failed to make SalesGenie.com a household name, they decided they knew what the problem was. They hadn't insulted half the people on Earth.
Ching Ching! We have no customers, no sales! We're going out of business! Ling Ling! I am not going back to the zoo!
The voice actor for both Ling Ling and Ching Ching may not know any actual Asian people, but he's seen Breakfast at Tiffany's, so he's got this. I'm guessing it's the same person, since they don't even really try to do two different voices.
We need a sales miracle! We've got a psychic sale! We need customers!
Needless to say, the backlash was confusingly mild. The next day, Wired asked if the pandas speaking in ridiculous Asian accents was offensive, or if we are all just suffering from white guilt. Uh, Wired? You know, white guilt isn't something you hallucinate because of an overactive gallbladder, right? Well, at least you can blame it on the advertising agency. Nope. In a move that should have been rejected at about 20 different levels, the CEO of SalesGenie wrote that ad himself, explaining, I'm Indian, and people have been making fun of my accent for years. Our guy only spends time with the rich and powerful people we let run our country. Of course he's gonna think casual racism's okay. Big ups to Intel for pulling this racist ad before it hit most of its intended audience. Smaller ups for making it in the first place. It clearly had a successful casting call for the whitest man alive, but when the photographer instructed him to fold his arms as smugly as humanly possible, somebody should have probably had second thoughts.
Maybe it was the fact that the six black athletes weren't actually there, and are in fact one black athlete cloned six times in Photoshop. Oh, by the way, you can find this same white male fantasy starring in conversations about the inferiority of black quarterbacks for the next six months. So enjoy that, NFL fans.
If you made a movie about 1980s England, it would be about skinny white drug addicts dancing to prog music and dirty warehouses. That is literally the only thing that happened in England in the 80s, as far as I know.
But apparently they were also making their orange drink purchasing decisions based on ads that answer the age-old question, hey, what if Song of the South had come out right after the Civil War when America wasn't all progressive? In just 43 short seconds, Kia Ora walks us through every condescending stereotype white Americans have invented for black people. Apparently other countries didn't get the memo about those being offensive. For instance, here's what a 2006 earthquake preparedness pamphlet made by the Tokyo Metro government looked like. Hey, quick sidebar before I, a white American, continue to point out how racist other countries are.
Follow me. Cool. Look, I get why it's weird for me to be lecturing anyone else. But few things.
First, this episode is specifically about surprisingly offensive ads, and the only people who are ever surprised to learn that white Americans are racist are white Americans. In fact, a lot of us decided we solved our race problem in the 80s because we all had Jordan posters on our wall, and the Huxtables had a pretty nice house. Since then, advertisers try not to put overt racism in our ads. Not because we're a curative racism, but because they know Americans like to think they're curative racism.
That's why Americans' most trusted ad spokesman of the past 30 years was Dr. Huxtable himself. Played a successful doctor on TV, and told black people in reality to expect no handouts from white people. And we liked how that made us feel so much that Cosby was still considered the most trusted man in America until the year 2012.
Good call on that one, America. Oh, interesting side note to that sidebar.
I don't know where to stand now. Cosby was the face of New Coke, and severed a multi-million dollar relationship with them after they went back to Coca-Cola Classic. Because he felt like they compromised his credibility. Just weird how important it was to him that people trust him to tell them what to drink.
This is the one that makes me smile. Just like that. I saw you. She saw you too. See? Look, they were smiling. See?
I'm gonna kill you. What are you doing?
Anyways, America's reputation as a racist nation? Well deserved. Just preferred polite, coded racism that happens when nobody's looking. Open racism's too ugly and in your face. Unless you count Asians. Which we don't, for some reason. Fat in mind, like a word with Australia. Need a tip when you're stuck in an awkward situation? Too easy.
KFC's crowd pleaser. Look, Australia, I'll take you at your word that you guys have no idea why anyone would find that ad racist. Fried chicken is delicious and beloved by everyone who isn't stupid.
But white Americans spent the past few centuries ruining it for black people. Hell, we filled our first big budget movie with a bunch of jokes about them eating it. To the point that Mary J. Blige, National Treasure, can't sing a song about crispy chicken wraps without issuing an apology for letting other black people down.
So if you want to believe that actor would have delivered the line too easy, just as smugly if he'd been distracting a section of Germans with a bucket of chicken, sure, I'll buy it. I believe that you didn't know the problem with blackface in this clip, and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that the people in this news story keep threatening to kill the only dark-skinned guy in their neighborhood because he polishes his statue with a shammy towel. I'm going to jump to the fence one of the years, but he's worried you are going to kill him. Well, maybe I will. It's not about your racist.
They're dark.
You called him a black ****, yeah? Oh. He washes the fence, and he drives with a shammy. He don't drive ricks with a shammy. He's not blue. Whatever. But at a certain point, it's not about what you know or don't know.
It's about how bad you're making people who are less privileged than you feel. You're ruining someone else's ability to watch TV or polish their statues or enjoy their meal without some smug white dude elbowing his friend in the ribs and saying too easy. Now, every person, regardless of creed, color, or background, deserves to have KFC ruined for them on their own terms.
Hey, guys. It's Jack. Down in the comments section, which I'm sure is going to be a lovely place for this particular video, I'd love to see any other offensive ads I missed. This seems like it could be kind of a running series. Yeah, and subscribe to Cracked if you haven't already, and screw you for being a soft-bodied jerk. That's my impression I make you for some reason. I don't know why. Thanks for watching. |
SaturdayNightLive | bald_no_more_saturday_night_live | Man, are you bald? are you a nickname? cue ball, chrome dome, flat top, Kojak, skinhead, or baldy? do you comb your hair or do you polish it? Well, your worries are over because now there's a revolutionary new hair stimulant called Bald No More from the good people at the Hair Farm. Why look like this man? I am convinced that baldness has kept me in the same dead-end job for years now. You look like this man when you can look like this man. Thanks to Bald No More, I've become a successful fight promoter and I'm doing better with the chicks too. it's fast, it's safe, and it's acid free because Bald No More is made of a secret blend of Cabin troops. And a new miracle polymer discovered by a female gynecologist. and Bald No More is recommended by professional hairdressers everywhere. Speaking as a professional hairdresser, I love you. it gives my clients thick, luxurious hair. hair I just want to run my fingers through. I'm crazy about Bald No More, and you will be too.
Would I lie to you? No, you're much too special to me. that's right. that's right. Why look like this when you can look like this? It is true. now maybe I can get that big promotion I have been waiting for. |
dropout | the_art_gallery_prank | Hey everybody, thanks so much for coming out.
This is Keisha, she's the artist. Her work is, I think, often about not what's on the canvas, but what's been left off.
Do you want to say anything? Well, I hope that great art speaks for itself. Is there anything else? Alright, enjoy.
Does this look like a constellation to you? I just feel like it's nice, but it would look better if it had a little more something to it, you know? Like, I don't know, it's just like a big dipper and a little dipper type of thing. Right? Doesn't that look nice? See, now I feel like it's something, you know? Alright, move on, next one. Like look at this one, this is just like a red dot. I think I'm making it more exciting, it's just been like a happy boat, you know?
I think you're not supposed to be doing that for a book. I think I'm just going to touch it up a little bit, you know? I don't think you should really use it.
You've got to admit this looks better than it did originally though, right? Boom. That's pretty good. This is just like a big gray stick of butter, so much space and you didn't use any of it. I think you get arrested for what you're doing. This is cute, dude. I like that map.
Hey stop, stop, stop. What'd you do? Huh? Stop. What did you do?
I mean, I think it looks nice. I love it. Yeah? I love it.
Grab some paint. This is so cute. Grab some paint! Whaaat? |
dropout | very_mary_kate_instagram | Hmm, I don't love it. Can I have a take too? Okay. Okay, people, this is it. Five minutes. Hot points. You can take five. Is this black and white? Valencia. Sit there, please.
Can you tag me in this? Are you serious? What do you think about these pins? It's breakfast. Is she eating them? Nixa Pins. You're a genius. You're in the frame.
There's no borders? Nobody uses borders anymore.
This would look great in X-Pro 2. Valencia. It's just that I'm trying to get more followers. Take cat pictures. We're on the Jessica Alba gig.
Mina Dunham. Dunham!
What about this? Would this work? Is it a breakfast food? Yes, it is.
You must be in Mensa. Finished. You said Calvin, right? You're kidding. I'm kidding. Hilarious. You're sad?
Can I get a copy for Facebook? This is Facebook. Instagram photo.
Copy that. And action. Okay, that's a wrap, everybody. Woo! Yeah!
Great job. I'm up for the next two weeks doing a feature. Now for a caption.
All right, I got one. I got one.
Not bad for a Saturday. Only in New York. Who loves daiquiris?
Dammit, that was mine! Finishing up your teacher evaluation for... Hey! This is supposed to be anonymous! Please, who else dots their eyes with glue and glitter? |
dropout | the_hunger_games_game | Boys and fighting to the death and kissing the Hunger Games The Hunger Games is now home games! Slaughter your opponents, survive at all costs, and find out who who who's got a crush on you! Just like Katniss Everdeen! Ooh, they're choosing tribute to fight!
Oh, I hope Peanut will be there. Duh, failure to attend is punishable by public with it.
Plus, he's totally into you! Collect clues about your secret admirer, and find out how he's planning to kill you! The rush has bludgeoned your opponent to death with a rock! Ooh la la, somebody like you! Shut up! Does my secret crush have all his limbs? Yeah! See you later, you, you, you, you, and you!
Black long enough, and become the most wanted girl in Pan Am! OMG, Gail's calling me! Katniss, my family's starving! He knows! Love is a battlefield when you play the Hunger Games game! May the odds be ever in your favor, Hunger Games! And don't forget, Cine's makeover boutique, available wherever bad toys are sold! |
cracked | 6_stories_that_will_restore_your_faith_in_humanity | Six Pure idealism and I'm proud to present mr. Rogers to you now. All right, Rogers. You've got the flow We deal with such things as as The inner drama of childhood we deal with such things as getting a haircut Or the feelings about brothers and sisters and the kind of anger that arises in Simple family situations. We've got to have more of this neighborhood expression of care make it clear that feelings are mentionable and Manageable, we will have done a great service. I end the program by saying you've made this day a special day By just your being you I'm supposed to be a pretty tough guy and this the first time I've had goosebumps for the last two days Know that there's something deep inside that helps us become what we can For a girl can be someday a lady and a boy can be someday a man. I think it's wonderful. I Think it's wonderful Looks like you just earned the 20 million dollars.
I got a fan letter from a young lady It was a suicide note. I Called her I said, hey, this is Jimmy doing Scotty of Star Trek. I said I'm doing a convention in Indianapolis. I want to see you there Eight years later I Get a letter Saying I do want to thank you so much for what you did for me Because I just got my master's degree in electronic engineering You know, I says To me the best thing I've ever done in my life. I Heard a sound the student with the gun. I knew was a student of my own. He looked a little lost You know, we still had the gun in his hand, you know, eventually he throws it over on this side And I go to him and I hug him in my head anybody do it a Teenage girl found it distressing that the girls in her ballet class repeatedly complained that they were too fat when they were anything But that eighth grader was inspired to take action and that included going up against a popular magazine that she thought Might be part of the problem. She started a video blog and an online petition Asking 17 magazine to include at least one unaltered photo spread each month and this month the magazine announced a body image peace treaty Reaffirming its commitment to never change girls body or face shapes So I get off the train, you know, I'm walking towards the stairs and this young teenager pulls out a knife He wants my money.
So I just gave him my wallet. So then here you go I mean all I wanted to do was go get dinner and if you really want to join me Hey, you're more than welcome. The bill came and I look at him and I'm like look uh, I Guess you're gonna have to pay for this bill cuz you have my money and I can't pay for this So if you give me my wallet back, I'll gladly treat you He didn't even think about it. He's like, yeah. Okay, here you go. So I got my wallet back I Make it clear that feelings are mentionable and manageable We will have done a great service |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.