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SaturdayNightLive | meatballs_snl | And that's why you didn't go to dad's school.
Amazing. Yeah. you know, I had a great time tonight. me too. we've had three incredible dates. Yeah, definitely. um, can I ask you something? anything.
Why do you always wear that green ribbon around your neck? um, what do you mean? I've just never seen you without it. um, why don't you take it off? I hoped you wouldn't notice. Look, Alan, I'll show you, but please don't let it affect the way you see me. of course not.
Come on. All right. here we go. there. now you know. there's a little meatball guy on the side of my neck, and every time I take the green ribbon off and expose him to light, he wakes up and sings his little songs. does that clear things up for you? Totally. 100%. Good. Now, where were we?
But just one question. is that a little tiny hand sticking out the top of your shirt? I was hoping you wouldn't notice.
And to answer your question, yeah, they harmonize and sing together in time. then there's these guys. then this one kind of munches on a block of cheese to the beat. and this one just kind of spits up. and Big Daddy brings it all together. And Big Daddy brings it all together. join us, please, and sing along.
Okay. yeah, I think I get it. you can go ahead and cover the move now. No, no, no. once they get on a roll like this, it's better to just keep them going until they get tuckered out. We are little meep-a-meep. we the forms of body-meep. we are little meep-a-meep. knocking on our tubes of cheese. my name is Chunky. and my name's Poopoleem. my name is Joby. and my name is Jim. Have you ever talked to a doctor about getting them removed? No, it's not necessary. after a few years, they just, like, dry up and fall off into the toilet. hey, buddy, I'm hungry. give me some more cheese. Oh, don't worry about that. it's not poisonous or anything. it'll just stain your clothes. And it is poisonous. Okay, look, son, I think we're moving too fast. Oh, no! here it comes! This is so awkward, I can't bear to watch. are you serious? you're dumping me? this is coming out of nowhere!
I mean, I suppose if I had to guess, I'd say it had maybe something to do with the meatballs? No. no. yeah, it's the meatballs. wow. wow. hey. I'm sorry. is there. is there a piano in your armpit? Don't give up on love just because of some meatballs. Don't give up on this girl because she's got 11 meatballs. someday you'll realize that in the end, true love will always win. And I'm doomed. The meatballs are right. I want to make it work.
Really? We finally got a boyfriend! Yay! Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention, they're extremely contagious. No! |
ClickHole | long_haired_men_are_growing_their_hair_out_in_order_to_rapunzel_illegals_over_trump_s_border_wall | Effeminate, long-haired men are deliberately growing their hair out so they can toss it over Trump's border wall and Rapunzel illegals into our country. Folks, it's happening. As we speak, there are long-haired men out here in America growing their hair out longer and longer. Longer than women, folks. Way longer.
And we've got the footage to prove it. Look at this.
This is San Diego, half an hour from the border. Look how long his hair is already. Almost past his shoulders. By the time Trump's border wall is built, his bangs alone could be 40, 50 feet long. And mark my words, before we know it, liberal traitors like him are going to be lining up along the border by the hundreds, lobbing their luscious locks to the illegals on the other side.
I've made a quick drawing to depict how this is going to happen, and it's freaking me out just looking at it. Look at that. You see how easy it is? You see that?
Folks, this is not normal hair like you or I have. These long-haired leftist scumbags are taking great care of their hair in order to make it strong enough for the illegals to climb. They're using shampoo. You condition everything.
Just look at this. I saw this on the internet this morning. This is what we're dealing with, folks. This is the enemy.
What's even worse is that some dirty, disgusting leftist women are joining their illicit cause by refusing to shave their armpit hair. The longer that armpit hair gets, the less free we are.
That's just true. Look at this. To think of all the illegals who might climb into this country on those armpit locks, it's terrifying. Look at everything our president has done, after all the work he has done to secure our border. God damn it. |
cracked | 9_ways_all_popular_movies_look_the_same | Hello watchers of the videos welcome to I'm Doesn't matter look you don't like me, and I Hate you or maybe we love each other I don't have all the answers point is I have like five minutes to talk about figuratively literally every recent movie So let's just nine ways all popular movies look the same nine That's like away every like 30 seconds, and it's already been 25 seconds of this bullshit So number one help space is shaky Nowadays because 70% of popular movies take place in the stratosphere most of them also have to murder a cameraman for every shot seriously That's all real they killed someone for that how else would you explain the natural camera shake the last words? She heard was the director telling her to snap zoom right before the hypoxia set in let's all fake in which case good job Getting that tough shot With the computers and stuff must have been a real rush to accomplish that number two Everything is blue and gray like for dogs plus the color blue like here. Yeah, okay, hi Why is the new point break film a gloomy flashback to itself? Why not I don't know just Just make it look normal with colors We invented that shit back in the 1920s movies used to be exclusively colored by hand in post-production and once color film came along We found various new ways to punch it chewy in post nailed that then digital coloring made it easier to alter a scene for artistic effect But instead of doing that we're just making everything look like the 1900s again Even the colorful Jurassic world is tinted blue like a cyan a See it cyan up. Yeah, like a guy who sees cyan a bunch That's another thing Why does every 3d film need to have that overhead fly at your base malarkey? It's malarkey We're so behind number three there's that one malarkey 3d overhead shot and all of these kinds of movies Oh, okay. I literally just said that great just skip to the next number four a lot of snowy mountaintop scenes, huh? I mean the entire Ninja Turtles movie took place in New York City. It's It's kind of strange Right number five slow Ocean ramp slow-motion side-scrolling is to the 2010s what the bullet time was to the 2000s Hollywood gives us something cool and new Badass looking and then proceeds to do it over and over and over and over and over and over and over like a child telling the same joke over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over again Number six a Marvel.
What is all the little guys and giant fat robot bodies? What's your dizzy Marvel? Why do all your bad guys look like the goombas from Mario Brothers? Just Just make them like they are.
I mean, they're pretty cool looking It's becoming a nervous tick with you movies like how ghosts can't stop dragging people away like the Japanese prank show sure seems like they Could just do whatever ghost thing they want right there. Instead. How do I start talking about ghosts number seven? Why don't ghosts always drag people away before giving them hugs and trying to be their friend. Wait, what? Okay, that's definitely not what they do after dragging them away. They do And they do something probably but definitely not hug don't know where that came from Number eight tilt the cam is getting a little old and is meaningless. This is a Dutch angle It's used to convey uneasiness or confusion a switch in power or in the case of Thor it conveys just Whatever see this shot from fear and loathing is tilted to convey that being locked out is like an uphill battle Switches downward once the characters break into their drug palace it it means Something this is a Dutch shot of a robot just Just Kind of looking around a Dutch shot to portray the moment Batman loses control over his interrogation a Dutch shot to convey a street sign gibberish it's clowny gibberish Alright, we gotta we gotta hurry. Let's rush through the rest number nine.
What's the deal with bug ships sky portals? Why does every film blow up the sky and let all the bug ships in?
Oh, that's it. I did it Regardless of what the the time code on the actual video says I did it Yay Hey guys six seconds and go Thanks for watching the video. Make sure to subscribe to our channel. Click the old like button. It's a thumbs up shape now I think and leave a comment. Tell us what is the one trope in movies that you need to see retired soon maybe it's like timing yourself in a video or A thing I can't think of because that's your job now suckers |
ClickHole | prey_the_best_game_for_propping_your_door_so_your_landlord_can_talk_about_his_alchemy_experiments | Hey everybody, today we're going to be talking about Prey, Bethesda's new first-person shooter that puts you on a spaceship run amok by shape-shifting aliens. Sam, what did you think? The game has a solid storyline, and with the exception of a few framerate dips, I thought it looked pretty good.
But where Prey really shines is when you finally take the game out of your console, put it back in the box, and use the box to prop open the door of your apartment so your landlord can come in and tell you about his alchemy experiments. Totally agree. Gameplay features like turning into inanimate objects or the glue cannon are pretty cool, but I was absolutely blown away when I wedged that box under my door for the first time, and three minutes later my landlord barrels into my living room, shouting at me about his latest attempts to make gold out of tin foil and a gallon of expired almond milk. Yeah, I think Bethesda's really outdone themselves here. Before Prey, if my landlord wanted to come into my apartment and explain the Philosopher's Stone at 4am, he'd have to break a window or push his mouth right up against the mail slot.
This is a major improvement.
But how do you think it compares to the original Prey from 2006? Well, the original is a fun and inventive sci-fi journey, but every time I used it to prop open my door, the only person who would ever wander in was a luchador who would beg me for water. But with the new Prey, all I have to do is prop open my door with the game, and five minutes later my landlord comes in to explain that once he succeeds in making gold, he's going to put the gold in his hammock so his hammock triples in value. Yeah, I think even hardcore fans of the original are going to have to admit that the new Prey is both a bettered game and vastly superior for when it comes to holding the door open for your alchemist's landlord.
The game's box is sturdy, and while it bends under the weight of your door, it never breaks. Even the disk is pretty good for wedging into the door. Just one is too thin, but if you were to buy ten or eleven copies of the game, you could stack those all together, and that would hold your door open long enough for your landlord to wander in and give you a rambling account of how he accidentally turned his pants into pure radon and had to go to the hospital. Also, the reflective surface of the disk is very bright, which will catch your landlord's attention and he'll naturally wander over to see if you have any jewels. Okay, so wrapping this up, I'm going to be giving Prey four out of five stars for being a solid shooter, but most importantly for allowing me to prop open my door long enough so my landlord could come in and tell me all about the illegal metallurgy he's been doing that has absolutely destroyed our washing machine. Honestly, the game is so good at propping open the door for your landlord, it makes you wonder why they even bothered creating such an elaborate game world, but it only makes me like it more.
Four out of five stars from you two. See you next time. |
SaturdayNightLive | court_case_snl | It's come to my attention that before the jury goes off for deliberations, the defendant would like to make a statement. Mr. Davis, the floor is yours. Ok, thank you, your honor. Look, I'll try to make this short. you all know me right now. you've all seen how I've handled myself here. I think you've got a pretty good sense of who I am.
And maybe I'm naive. I just don't think that you need a fancy lawyer for a simple question of right and wrong. And I guess what I want to say is when I think of football, I don't think of Tv deals or licensing agreements. I think about being 10 years old in the backyard with my dad.
And we didn't have helmets or pads. all we had was the ball. And he pulled me in close, and he'd draw plays in the palm of his hand. And I'd go out there, and I'd just run routes, knowing that every time I reached out, he'd put the ball right in my hands. And afterwards, we'd go inside, and we'd toss on the game, and have a nice hot bowl of chili.
Well, he passed away a few years ago. and memories like that are all I have left of him. it's just about the most precious thing I have, I guess. Anyway, I don't want to take up any more of your time. I know we have all our places we'd rather be.
I just wanted to say that I understand that the phrase Thursday Night Football is technically trademarked. So yeah, maybe I shouldn't have put in an invitation to a small group of friends to play a game of touch football in the park. I guess I technically broke the law. and if you want to punish me for that, you have every right to do so. Whatever you do, I'll understand. I just wanted to say that. thank you. thank you, your honor. So I just want to remind the jury that that is Not what this case is about. what Mr. Davis actually did is organize an event called the Puppy Bowl, where he took a bunch of French bulldogs to a high school football field and then kicked them through the field goalposts like little footballs. Objection, your honor, there's no evidence of that. we have a video of you doing it, video which you yourself shot and then edited into a sizzle reel to get Spike Tv back on top. it was the first piece of evidence submitted. we saw how on each kick, you raised your arms and said, Adam Veneterri, a kicker who hasn't been in the league in years. And yet many of the jurors are on my side. like who? I don't know.
Juror number four was throwing me vibe. Oh, I was just remembering how you fired your lawyer on the first day. and the judge said you were going to regret that. So when you were talking, I was like, man, the judge was so right. And then I smiled. well, what about Juror number two? She was so moved by my story that she was crying. Oh, I was laughing, actually, because you said your dad was dead, but he's not. he's right there. he was a witness for the prosecution, said we should fry you, and then all of us pretty much stopped paying attention to anything you said after that.
Again, I didn't even know that dogs were going to be there. That is not true. your co-worker said that you kept telling them there were going to be hella dogs there, and that it was going to be the most depraved night of the year. Ok, but none of the dogs actually got hurt.
You have to remember, I invented a very soft shoe, and we caught all of them in a big pillow. Yes, we know that. Exhibit C, the picture. I won't allow you to show that picture again. your honor, please. Ok, fine. this is a picture of one of the dogs after being kicked 50 yards through the air and landing in a pillow. Let the record show that he liked it. did I kick him with a soft shoe? Yes, and yet, he liked it.
All right, at this point, I'd like to excuse the jury to make their deliberations. go ahead and take as much time as you need. I'll just be right here enjoying a light little snack that I packed myself this morning. nothing too heavy, just a little something to get me to lunch, you know. Oh, you're back already? Ok, not even enough time for me to eat my sliced cantaloupe. All right.
Well, Foreman of the Jury, have you made a decision? We have, your honor. And what have you decided? we find the defendant guilty of being the biggest damn party animal in the state. Oh, hell yeah! Also, 38 counts of animal cruelty, which carries a sentence of 5 to 10. What? who cares, it'll be overturned in appeal anyway. this is your appeal. you're going to jail, Mr. Davis.
I can only hope this brings peace to the victim's family. you all know me right now. you've all seen how I've handled myself here. I think you've got a pretty good sense of who I am. and maybe I'm naive. I just don't think that you need a fancy lawyer for a simple question of right and wrong. And I guess what I want to say is, when I think of football, I don't think of Tv deals or licensing agreements. I think about being 10 years old in the backyard with my dad.
And we didn't have helmets or pads. all we had was the ball. and he pulled me in close, and he'd draw plays in the palm of his hand. And I'd go out there, and I'd just run routes, knowing that every time I reached out, he'd put the ball right in my hands. And afterwards, we'd go inside, and we'd toss on the game, and have a nice hot bowl of chili.
Well, he passed away a few years ago. and memories like that are all I have left of him. it's just about the most precious thing I have, I guess. Anyway, I don't want to take up any more of your time, but I know we have all our places we'd rather be.
I just wanted to say that I understand that the phrase Thursday Night Football is technically trademarked. So yeah, maybe I shouldn't have put in an invitation to a small group of friends to play a game of touch football in the park. I guess I technically broke the law. and if you want to punish me for that, you have every right to do so. Whatever you do, I'll understand. All right, I just wanted to say that. thank you. thank you, your honor. So I just want to remind the jury that that is not what this case is about. What Mr. Davis actually did is organize an event called the Puppy Bowl, where he took a bunch of French bulldogs to a high school football field and then kicked them through the field goal posts like little footballs. Objection, your honor, there's no evidence of that. we have a video of you doing it, video which you yourself shot and then edited into a sizzle reel to get Spike Tv back on top. it was the first piece of evidence submitted. we saw how on each kick, you raised your arms and said, Adam Veneterri, a kicker who hasn't been in the league in years.
And yet many of the jurors are on my side. like who? I don't know, Jury number four was throwing me vibe. Oh, I was just remembering how you fired your lawyer on the first day, and the judge said you were going to regret that. So when you were talking, I was like, man, the judge was so right. And then I smiled. well, what about Jury number Two? She was so moved by my story that she was crying. Oh, I was laughing, actually, because you said your dad was dead, but he's not. he's right there. he was a witness for the prosecution, said we should fry you, and then all of us pretty much stopped paying attention to anything you said after that.
Again, I didn't even know that dogs were going to be there. That is not true. your co-worker said that you kept telling them there were going to be hella dogs there, and that it was going to be the most depraved night of the year. But none of the dogs actually got hurt.
You have to remember, I invented a very soft shoe, and we caught all of them in a big pillow. Yes, we know that. Exhibit C, The Picture. I won't allow you to show that picture again. your honor, please. Ok, fine. this is a picture of one of the dogs after being kicked 50 yards through the air and landing in a pillow. Aww. Let the record show that he liked it. did I kick him with a soft shoe? Yes, and yet he liked it.
All right, at this point, I'd like to excuse the jury to make their deliberations. go ahead and take as much time as you need. I'll just be right here enjoying a light little snack that I packed myself this morning. Nothing too heavy, just a little something to get me to lunch, you know. Oh, you're back already? Ok. not even enough time for me to eat my sliced cantaloupe. All right.
Well, Foreman of the Jury, have you made a decision? We have, your honor. And what have you decided? we find the defendant guilty of being the biggest damn party animal in the state. Oh, hell yeah! Also, 38 counts of animal cruelty, which carries a sentence of 5 to 10. What? Who cares? it'll be overturned in appeal anyway. this is your appeal. you're going to jail, Mr. Davis. I can only hope this brings peace to the victim's family. |
dropout | peace_on_earth_little_drummer_boy_2010_with_jack_black_and_jason_segel | Why, it's Jason Seagal, the actor. Hi, Jack Black.
Come in, come in, get out of the cold. What brings you to my humble abode on this blustery holiday? No, I was just at home, making gingerbread, fretting about war and hatred. Well, this is a little embarrassing, but I ran out of ginger. Well, you've come to the right place. I've got a ginger bushel out back. Take a whole sprig. Though I'd require a bite of that gingerbread as repayment. You can have it all, I just make it for the smell.
Hey, is that a real piano? You bet. The old black family ivories. My grandfather built it a hundred years ago today. Do you mind if I play? It always helps me to play a holiday carol when I'm feeling fretful. Take them away! But I must warn you, that piano's been sprinkled with magic winter dust by Santa Claus himself. When one plays it during this joyous season, things can get pretty freaking awesome.
I'll take my chances. I'll run it away. A news for now. Perhaps we'll see. I'll see this day. We are all ready. To see the day that I live. A good will.
Living peace. Living peace again.
Can it be? Every child must be made aware. Every child must be made to care. Give enough for his fellow man To give all the love he can I pray my wish will come true For my child and your child too We'll see the day of glory I'll see the day when rhythm of the will Live in peace, hope and peace again Come, peace has hurt me, pah-rump-pah-pum-pum Can it be?
So, Jack? Yes, Jason? Can I pick from your ginger-bushel now? |
TheOnion | Ultra_Realistic_Modern_Warfare_Game_Features_Awaiting_Orders_Repairing_Trucks | The newest entry in the Call of Duty video game series, Modern Warfare 2, is being praised for its ultra-realistic gaming experience. Yet developers are already putting the finishing touches on Modern Warfare 3, which they say will be the most true-to-life military game ever created, with the majority of gameplay spent hauling equipment and filling out paperwork. Onion News Network Tech Trends reporter Jeff Tate has more. Thanks, Glenn. Whether you're waiting around for orders or cleaning mud off of Humvees, the real-life military action in Modern Warfare 3 never stops. Players take on the role of Private Keishon Lewis, a 19-year-old from Clayton, Missouri, who is thrust onto the front lines after the car dealership where he works closes. Gamers will stand guard outside a photorealistic warehouse for hours, dig 10-foot-deep holes in the immaculately rendered sand, and sit around complaining about how bad the cell phone reception is. The beta testers I spoke with were impressed with the game's realism. Modern Warfare 3 also boasts totally authentic, gun-blazing action. In the final levels, Keishon returns home, and there's even more excitement. Players are approached by waves of people asking how hot it was and how many people they killed. And developers are also creating bonus downloadable missions like Redeployment Germany, where players repair Humvees for 10 hours a day.
For the Onion News Network, I'm Jeff Tate. Thanks, Jeff. Infinity Ward is also developing a version of the game for the Wii, which will come packaged with a 17-pound controller shaped like an M249 machine gun that you must carry at all times but cannot fire without explicit orders. And still to come, Congress has agreed to go on the same cell phone plan to save money. |
dropout | if_google_was_a_guy_part_2 | Next. I said next.
Cream cheese is cheese. Wait, do you still want to know about it? Avocado pit huge. Why? Okay, don't speak in these weird haikus.
How to tell if pregnant. Oh boy. How to tell if pregnant.
Jennifer! Local mosque, Seattle. NSA, don't mind me. How to pronounce Dogecoin. According to Google Maps, there's a number. Security. Can you please? Not blackmail. Oh, excuse me. Oh, no, no. Come on in.
Today is Jackson Pollock's birthday, so we're celebrating his particular style of painting. Wife art smell. One of the most important painters of all time, and you want to know wife art smell.
I knew you made that mistake. I think your F key is stuck. Why longitude shaped like an orange slice? You are so wrong, dumbass. We'll see.
Groundhog's Day or Groundhog Day? Groundhog Day.
Can't sue for screen door injured? Where to buy a pet Russian dolphin?
Why do my farts smell? Tent. Doing a little camping, huh? Tentacle Hentai.
Oh, come on! Open for business, everyone. Come on in, it's awesome in here. Soon. It'll come soon. |
SaturdayNightLive | ted_kaczynski_meets_his_lawyers_snl | Okay, you've got 15 minutes, Mr. Kaczynski. So wait here and I'll bring your brother. thanks a lot. Oh. well, that isn't my brother, David. good to see ya. wish I could invite you up to my log cabin, but there's about 136 Fbi agents using it this weekend.
Yeah. go figure. Hey, I know. I'm sorry about that, okay? Hey, I thought you got a haircut. nah, I just used a Little Moose for the judge, you know? Yeah, I got you. Now, listen, Terry, I don't have much time. I feel just, just awful, Okay? You got that? Now, so to make it up to you, I've gotten together the best legal defense team money can buy. Now, you just wait right here and I'm gonna get him, All right? hey, you know what? don't worry, because I'm not going anywhere. Okay? All right. Now, first off, I've got Johnny Cochran. Fantastic. Outraged. nice to meet you. Yeah.
F. Lee Bailey. Mr. Bailey? yeah, fantastic. I've also got the lawyer for the Menendez Brothers, Leslie Abramson. boys! and, of course, the bald guy from Murder 1. you know what, I'm sorry.
I don't have a television night. I've never seen your show.
Well, Mr. Kaczynski, neither has anybody else. Okay, Mr. Cochran, you begin. All right, now, Mr. Kaczynski, I am Outraged. To think that the Fbi has the nerve, the audacity, the unmitigated guard to accuse a respected mathematician hermit like yourself of such a heinous crime, I would demonstrate to the jury that if the hood and the sunglasses don't fit, then you must acquit. Now, Mr. Kaczynski, you're the one who's the real victim in this case.
Yes, now, maybe you did meld these letter bombs, but you did not deliver them. the postal workers did that. they are the ones to blame. you did not force these people to open their mail. the postal workers did that. I have dozens of eyewitnesses who would testify. They saw postal workers hand the packages to the victims. not you. you didn't want to bomb these people. you thought those mailboxes were big blue garbage cans. And you were trying to throw those bombs out.
Now, people will accuse Johnny Cochran of playing the race card, but I'm not going to do that. No, not this time. this time, I'm going to play the postcard. Yeah, that's right. You know, as I've told my esteemed colleague, the ball guy from Murder 1, I believe the postal workers are to blame. sticking bombs in people's mailboxes for 17 years. It's an outrage.
So I say to you, Mr. Kaczynski, take off that orange pajama, because you ain't the unabomber. Thank you, your honor. you know, I'm just not sure that this defense is going to work. Mr. Kaczynski, trust me. Now, Johnny Cochran is capable of convincing a jury not to put another innocent African-american like yourself behind bars. But I'm not Black. Well, I haven't figured out that part yet.
But don't worry. we'll fly in. Rosa Lopez, add a barking dog, work out the details later. Great. great.
Ms. Abramson? Ok. don't you worry, Mr. Kaczynski. with the defense I have planned, there is no way they can convict you, at least not at the first trial. Ok, now tell me exactly how long were you and your brother sexually abused by your parents? we weren't. Then I've got nothing. talk to the bald guy. Murder One Guy? go ahead. Mr. Kaczynski, I don't think any of us here can emphasize enough that I'm the bald guy for Murder One.
Thank you. it's a good point. Mr. Bailey? oh, scotch and soda, please. I'm sorry? isn't this T.j. Mcdougall's? No, it's not.
Well, I'll tell you, Marine to Marine, I'm stinking drunk. I just blew 15 million in stock options to get out of the Pokey, so I'm going to go find me a happy hour. Listen, Dave, I appreciate all this. but I'll tell you what. I've drawn up a pretty tight legal defense of my own. and if you folks have a minute, I'd love to share it with you. Sure, yeah. go ahead, Ted. yeah. there's part One, the opening statement, right here. And let's see. well, it begins kind of like this.: live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
TheOnion | My_iPhone_Is_Covered_In_White_Mold_Help_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Okay, so since 100% of my viewership owns iPhones, I figured I'd do some iPhone trouble hacking. Our first question comes from YouTube commenter Son of Clam69. Hi, sorry. I have an iPhone 4S that I got a few months ago, but it's covered in white mold. I hope you can see it okay. I don't want to touch it because of the mold. I don't know how it got there or what to do about it, but there's just tons of white mold all over my iPhone. This is the most common problem that we get with the new iPhones. Let's hack it. This is a white mold culture on my own iPhone.
The first thing you want to do is stop breathing through your nose. Spores should get up there. The human sinus system is a perfect habitat for white mold. Set up a vacuum cleaner so that the hose is right next to the iPhone, but do not touch the white mold directly or it could spread to the vacuum's motor and sprinkle the sprockets. Turn the vacuum on and the white spores will be stuck in the filter. Okay, so the spores are gone and you can breathe through your nose again.
So you're going to want to get some gasoline and pour about three cups onto the mold-infested phone. Now, you want to step backwards out of the room, leaving a small trail of gasoline from the phone to the floor out the door. Okay, so in part two, I'll show you what to do next, but hey, leave a comment and guess what it might be. |
CrackerMilk | the_state_of_our_channel_ | Hi everyone, Dad from Cracker Milk here. Sorry to get a bit serious for a second but we had a situation last week I want to make you aware of. We had one of our videos, the tennis moat, get a strike from YouTube for inappropriate content. We didn't agree with that, we thought it was pretty safe and so we appealed. That appeal unfortunately was rejected. Luckily though we were able to use some other avenues and had the strike lifted. Now the scary part about that is if you get three strikes the channel's gone. We've had to go back and take down some of our edgier videos off YouTube for fear of getting a strike again.
So now is the time to actually support us and the best way you can do that is by becoming Patreons. Again you'll see on there all the videos we've taken down are actually on Patreon. You can see them there and always will be able to see them there. Supporting us on Patreon means that no matter what YouTube does we can continue to make the content that you love and we love to make. Thanks everyone. |
cracked | 5_animals_who_can_t_hide_their_disdain_for_people_spit_take_theater | Hello the internet and people watching the rerun on TBS ten years from now We're gonna listen to good-ass intro and nah nah off the mixtape acid rap in which Chicago's Chance the Rapper just Totally destroys the English language at the speed of thought Raps just made me anxious and ass it made me crazy And squares just made me looser that wax just made me lazy and I still make this song And I'm gonna make another if you ever actually hit me better watch out for my brother I'll take that deal gotta watch out for my mother get a watch with all that glitters coming clutters different colors been a baller Biff or butler chauffeur hit a stainer did I stutter did a ton of drugs and did better than on my own my mother And speaking of humans who spent last year in beast mode today's episode is about introducing Chance the ruthless trip shrooms and Lucy dreams is lucid loosely based on you like to think humans are the masters of the Planet what with our airlines and global politics and sophisticated methods of distributing pornography and generally animals seem to play along and leave us alone But every now and then the animal kingdom reminds us they don't give a single dusty fuck about us for instance This herd of impala running from two cheetah one of the impala gets separated from the pack and demonstrates that apparently They've known all along how to enter a car like the dukes of hazard and in a moment of terror the petrified animal In the only available shelter Which implies that all the other impala running from the fastest animal on earth Wade the option of diving into those cars and all the ones that didn't get separated from the herd were all No, fuck those things those things are the worst look at that asshole sitting there with this camera Why don't we all agree to eat that guy cheetah? No, okay, cool Unfortunately, we don't have footage from inside the car and therefore never get to see the impala being like Allowing the impala to walk free and leaving the cheetahs to go hungry In this video a monkey tries to teach a human how to crush leaves and while that might sound like a nonsensical Grab bag of words created by a random word generator It's actually one of the most subtly nuanced and deeply condescending interactions. I've ever seen. Oh Hey look another Handful of completely uncrushed leaves somehow sure maybe get new leaves Maybe it's the leaves fall observe the way he glances over his shoulder as if to say he's starting to think this guy's probably With him I'd say this next guy gets his pocket picked but at least pickpockets respect the people they robbed enough to create a distraction first You get the sense that sea lion barely respected him enough not to say yoink Well, he stole that fish or since sea lions can talk in this joke You get the sense that sea lion barely respected him enough not to say hey Thanks for doing all the heavy lifting dipshit play your friend Santa Claus nice neck or chiff He has the fish in his mouth for that last part I love how the victim keeps looking over the edge like if the edge of this boat wasn't holding me back Maybe he's looking because the sea lions just treading water in full view of the boat eating the fish right there in front of him without ever breaking eye contact just If you're wondering how he managed to catch that fish even though he's barely able to hold it up in the first place I'd like to introduce you to the wonderful world of rich white guy fishing No, not the art of ensnaring rich white guys with a hook That's how you marry out of a job as a Hooters waitress buzzing With a hook like a sex hook like a sex hooker as they're known in the streets Rich white guy fishing is the art of making rich white guys believe they're fishing Even though you're doing all the work for them turning them around in a swivel chair Standing out front holding the line just taking all the risk what risk you might ask see it turns out Marlin are total spazzes when being dragged around by a giant hook that's stabbing them in the face Which is bad news because they're also 300-pound muscle torpedoes with faces made of sword and hearts made of vengeance now I want you to stop and appreciate how far back that thing is when it comes for them That's like Jordan taking off from the free-throw line and jumping over the basket and trying to stab someone 30 rows up in the stands Apparently this sort of thing isn't uncommon Marlin are big believers in that Old Testament saying an eye for an eye and a face stabbing for a yeah Motherfucker what my face is in your face. Isn't that the most horrible thing you can possibly imagine? But this episode is about humiliation and by the end of this clip the only thing with the shred of dignity left on that boat Is repeatedly slamming its head into the bottom of the boat because it doesn't know how the ground works the next time you hear a rich person Claimed social Darwinism is the reason he deserves his success Just remember this scene the fisherman and the rich guy fumbling to unbelt him so he can get away from the scary fish She was supposed to be trying to kill Everyone knows the scene big dumb guy hits on a girl right in front of her boyfriend the boyfriend's all hey pal She's got a boyfriend And the guy just laughs and pushes the boyfriend and the girl calls him a creep and slaps him and the guy can't take a hint And so he's like hey, why don't you ditch the nerd and get with a real stud? Well, here's that scene happening in real life, but with a deer Dude trust me she knows Here's a pro tip guys if she doesn't respond to you sniffing her hair Don't start sniffing her butt you have to build to the butt sniff Things take a turn for the Mark Wahlberg and fear when they close the door and got Jesus Christ For anyone who's ever hung out with drunk frack guys There's something disturbingly familiar about the way that deer refuses to take a hint you half expect him to start talking just so he can say Hey, you should come to Fahrenheit. My boys gonna be bartending. It's gonna be sick He's pissed we gotta go Dude she's clearly never been to Fahrenheit Hi, I'm a Beperson I direct some of the videos here on cracker calm I'm also an actor some you didn't know I was crazy Raul and the original agents of cracked I was in some today's topics where I you know talked to Katie stole and we fight about gender and stuff like that I was a shadow In an after-hours episode. It was actually a mistake. We cut it, but I was Simba in our animated Lion King sketch Or was that a dream? I was in a whole bunch of stuff.
Okay, you don't need to All you need to do is subscribe. Okay, just subscribe and stop asking me questions You |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_james_austin_johnson_s_random_celebrity_impressions_snl | Well, guys, we only have about a minute left at the end of Update. here to fill it with some random impressions is James Austin Johnson. All right. James, what is your first impression? Okay, here we go. this is Adam Driver as Kylo Ren from Star Wars on the show, girls. Okay. here we go. Hannah, do you know how difficult it is to be on the dark side of the Force? No, you don't, because you're a child. Okay. here we go. All right, what else you got? what else you got?
Batman, and he's reading where's Waldo, Okay? this is Batman. Batman, we're reading where's Waldo. Yeah. where's He?
Okay, well, that's great. I think we're already running out of time. Okay, well done. this next impression would make a great sketch on the show. you should consider it. Sure. this is Jay-z, and he's downstairs. Okay.
B.s.c.
Hold on. how would you play Jay-z? Oh, he'd be downstairs. we don't see him, because he's downstairs.
Okay, great. I don't think you put much thought into this. Okay, look, I have a stockpile of useless two-second impressions that I don't know what to do with, so I just kind of thought, why not do them on Update, where it doesn't really matter? But I get these impressions out, okay? it's my brand, all right? bartenders won't even look at me at the after party unless I do my trump voice. we've been waiting a very long time for that Negroni. this is much too long. it's a three-ingredient drink. Okay, all right. okay. very first. I love Negroni. All right, we have time for one more impression, but it's got to be quick. Okay, I got the perfect one. this is Bob Dylan's cell phone on vibrate. Okay. mm. mm. mm. |
dropout | hardly_working_jinx | David I'm not saying I don't trust you. Okay.
I just don't respect you great. Who else doesn't respect me?
Hey, do you guys want to eat? Jinx! Yes! Now you can't talk until I say your full name. This rules. Sarah, sorry to ruin your fun about any Dan's opinion on a personal affair. Fine. Daniel...
It's weird. I just realized I don't know your middle name. Hey guys, what's Dan's middle name? You know, I don't know. He never answered my middle name survey last April. Yeah, you know what? When we went to Sears last May to get those monogrammed house, he only got DG. Oh, last June Dan and I got our middle name tattooed on our lower back. Oh, what did Dan say? Actually, no, that was just me. Okay, David, you've known Dan the longest. What's his middle name?
I can't tell you. Come on, just tell me. I can't, I promise. Come on, David. I really need Dan's opinion on a personal affair. I just can't, okay?
You guys, I found Dan's birth certificate in my files. Finally! Okay, what does it say under middle name? Farticus. No, that's Sarah's. Oh. Oh, here's Dan's. It's on fire. All right, everybody calm down. I'm just gonna call Dan's parents.
Uh-huh. Okay, they're dead.
Guys, I got his wallet! And the middle name is... This is Josh's wallet.
It's on fire, too.
Okay, David, for Christ's sake, you're the only one who knows. Just tell us his middle name. I really need Dan's opinion regarding this really personal affair. I'm sorry, Dan.
It's Jeffrey. That's it? That's what you've been hiding this whole time? I get it. Daniel Jeffrey Gerwich. Right to me.
That's because nobody respects you! Jeez! Oh, well, looky here. Looks like the only one that can save you guys is this guy. So who doesn't respect me now? Oh, come on! |
dropout | Late_Bloomer | and welcome to Tails from the Closet. I like that.
I'm Ally Beardsley, your host. This morning I woke up and it was a slow morning for me. I'm here with three lovely guests. I, let's just, a little bit about me. It is episode 17. I'm here with three lovely guests. Episode 17, this podcast, I felt very proud this morning. I stepped out of bed and immediately onto my laptop, which was on the ground, and I was thinking about this podcast because I'm so excited to meet these three people.
Is this a good top? Who knows? TBD.
It just feels like just the other day we started this and already we're 17 eps in. So thank you to everyone who has talked to me, who has reached out in DMs, people who have submitted questions.
For those of you who don't know, we have an anonymous survey online that you can submit any question you want. If you are in the closet, it's completely anonymous, so have no fear.
But yeah, we'll get to those questions later. First off, let's meet our gorgeous panel today.
Who are you? How do you identify? What do you like? What's something you've made that you're proud of?
Should I start? Yeah, please. Okay.
Hi, I'm Bully Fay Collins, and I don't really mind any pronouns, but people usually say he and him. And what was the last thing? What have you made that you're proud of? Oh, I make performance, and I made a show called Plight Notions with Shandy that I think was really good.
That's amazing. Wait, when was that? I toured with it in the wintertime. Oh. Yeah. That's so fun. Yeah, I went to it.
Plight Notions with Shandy? Plight Notions with Shandy. Shandy, oh my god, I love that.
Okay, well, thank you. Hi, welcome to the show. Welcome to the program. Thank you. I decided I'm gonna switch and start calling this a program. Viewer supported program. Anyway, hi, who are you? Hi, thanks for having me on the program. I'm Sammy Cohen. I identify as She Her. Cool.
And what was the next one?
What have I made that I'm proud of? Yeah, that you're proud of. I mean, I've made a lot of things here at College Humor that I'm really proud of.
Ooh. And I wrote a parody to a Lizzo song called Dogs this week that I'm pretty proud of. Great. Sounds like something Lizzo would approve of. Yeah.
I honestly hope that I make her proud. I really hope to get on her radar.
Really, really. This is gonna just, yeah. Awesome, and lastly.
Hi, I'm Rhys Ernst, and I use he, him pronouns. And I identify as a Libra.
And I guess an Angelino for the time being. And other things. And I'm proud of this new movie I just made called Adam that's coming out in theaters. I think actually by the time this comes out, this podcast is airing. I think it'll be almost in theaters. So please check it out. Cool. I'm very excited to see Adam. Me too. I'm hoping to see it this weekend. Yeah.
Yeah, thank you so much all three of you for being on the show. Three total sweeties. Thanks for inviting us. No problem, bully. So polite.
Usually we start off with, so how did you come out of the closet? What did that look like for the three of you individually? Yeah, we're gonna start with you. Okay, we're gonna start with me.
So I, it happened really rapidly by accident for me. And I was 15. So it was pretty early compared to a lot of people, I think. My mom asked me, which was great, because my aunt had been telling her I was gay since I was two. Wow. Which, of course, most people were like, that's so fucked up.
What are you talking about? This person is two years old.
And then, but like, you know, also it was a very open door policy for me in the closet. Just like constantly shouting from inside, you know? And like opening windows all the time. Peeking out.
Yeah, being like, I'm in here. I'm in here, are you ready for me? I'm waiting.
And like, anyway, so my mom asked me because I started going to those like GSA meetings at high school, and she went and picked me up once and then just like looked around and was like, all these people are faggots. And then I think she kind of like panicked. And then so in the car on the way home, she was like, oh, like are you gay? Was it panicked? It was like that? She was really nervous. Yeah, she was very nervous. And then I was like, yeah.
Because I was like in this, with my mom I was less scared because she was just not as scary as my dad. Who was like just somebody I didn't really understand yet. Because I was like such a fem kid. Like now we're really good friends, but I feel like that was the person who I was like, I don't know what's gonna happen. Oh, is your dad like pretty mask, I guess?
Yeah, for sure. Binary, yeah.
Now he's changed a lot. You know, like you get older and your estrogen levels jump. Oh yeah, that's so interesting. And then he's like also become really religious. So he's like, he's really like zen about it. Like everything has just become a little bit more fluid for him.
But the way I came out to him was fucked up because it was a total accident because I just wanted to show him this like scary photo I took on the bus of a baby doll in the window. And it was on my MySpace profile. So I was like, I'll just show it to him on my MySpace profile. It says, I'm gay, in the middle of my MySpace profile. Yes, and it just says, I'm gay. Right next to the photo that I was showing him being like, look at this cool photo I took dad.
Isn't this cool? And he's like, what is that?
And I remember this like deer hoof song was playing in the background. That I had that just like automatically played when I opened up the page. And still to this day when I hear that deer hoof song, it like brings me back to that moment.
Oh my God. Do you think he thought of it? Because you know like a lot of parents are like, well if you left your journal out, you wanted me to read it. Or you know what I mean? They kind of like read intention into this. Do you think he was like, that was bully coming out to me?
I wonder, we've never really discussed that. You know like he's, we've actually never talked about that moment which is really crazy.
That's so funny. Because I feel like I don't like having conversations with my parents about gay stuff. Not because it's, just because you know like it always comes down to the same thing of them like reassuring me that they love me. Because they're like very Christian people who live in a very hetero, like free market Christianity world. So I feel like they know that I feel really alienated there. And I appreciate that, that they reassure me it's lovely.
But I'm also like, you know we don't have to dwell. I have the same thing. It is pretty othering when someone has to like really double down on telling you that they love you. Because it's like, why would you even have to say, you know what I mean? It's like someone saying like I'm not gonna read your diary when you go take a shower. And you're like why did you even say like, now you've put that thought into my head when they're like we really do love you. And it's like very like in spite of. Yeah and I get it. Like there, I really don't even, it's like I don't, there's other things that are way more othering to me. Like they can say that to me as much as they want. It's just that those, the things that they don't have as much language for that I feel like I'm on another level. I'm just like, I try and be like a listener. And then speak in a way that they can hear me.
Because I just don't need them. I'm like you guys lived your own lives. I don't need you to completely understand me and like where I come from. Because there's just like no way that you can because of the life that you've had.
Yeah that's a really positive outlook on it. Like you have like meeting grounds and you're like that's fine.
Yeah it's still hard. Like I still speak my mind. I don't like let them make me feel like shit about stuff. But there's still a level of like humility for me where I'm like you can't know about like trans politics and like other all kinds of stuff.
Like gender fluidity and what it is really like to be a homosexual. And about like gay sex.
Like you know they ask a lot of what would be considered very ignorant questions. But like from a place of sincerity. Yeah sincere ignorance. Which is a different kind of ignorance I would say.
Yeah it's not like offensive like so which one of you is the girl? Like tell me. You know what I mean? And I'm like you know but they have asked that question. Here we go. Yeah.
Starting off strong.
No yeah I fully identify with that. Yeah.
My parents are both really religious. So talking to them is it's so sweet. There's still like a really sweetness and obviously a lot of love there.
But sometimes you're like here we go. Yeah totally. Here we go. My dad was like there's a girl in a lot of photos with you lately. That's like the most of like direct conversation we can have. And I'm like yeah.
And he always picks like the wrong person. It's like never someone I'm actually dating.
I'm like yeah that's my coworker. Oh yeah. You're like that's my therapist. That's my therapist.
I'm always taking photos with my therapist. Have you guys ever taken a photo with your therapist?
I wish. No. Me neither.
Sammy how did you come out? So late in my life. What's funny is my when I was, so not in high school did I come out.
But when I was in high school I sat my sister down to kind of have a serious conversation with her. And she, everyone else knew or was onto that I was gay way before I came out. Interesting. And I had never had like crushes on anyone. I sat one of my sisters down. I was like I gotta talk to you about something.
And it was no big deal. Nothing super serious.
And I started talking to her and she went oh I thought you were gonna tell me you were gay. And I was like oh. And panicked.
No. And then cut to I don't know 10 years later.
And when I came out I first came out to two of my closest friends who I felt really safe with. Who I lived with at the time. And I was in a I had been in a straight relationship. I was still. Anyway I came out to them and it was they congratulated me like I had won the lottery. Yes. And it was just so and then it gave me a lot of confidence to go out into the world and like an end relationship I was in. A straight relationship. And then I came out to my family all individually.
Really casually. And I think I think I sort of like blacked out for a month while I was kind of like okay I just want to do this. Yeah just a dissociation month. Kind of.
And I think a part of me yeah they all they all assumed cause when I did come out I called my mom and she works and I'm from LA and she works here and I'll sometimes just stop by and say hi. And I was like hey are you at the office? And she was. And I was like I'm gonna come by and say hi. And I popped in I was there for like five minutes. I sat down and she was like hey hey she calls me boo.
Everything okay? I was like yeah. I think I want to talk to you about something. I I think I I'm not straight and I like women. And I knew but it was just my like ease into it. Oh definitely.
It's always like I think. Always always.
A soft coming out. Um and then she said uh and then she pointed out for years I've been like well everyone's a little gay I've been soft I was softly kind of setting them up. We're all we're all gay. Everyone's a little gay. Um and so I came out to her just at work and her reaction like my sister's like I'd say 90% of my friends and family they were like hmm and I was like oh yeah we figured.
And I was like oh okay great. Uh see you later. That's it. That's great.
Um and then it was more I think more in depth conversations but I think I was just um anticipating a lot more confusion and so many things that everyone was real at first real chill about it. Um and my dad passed away so I never got to tell him. Which is kind of and that I wonder I don't know how he would have taken it. Oh that's interesting. Um yeah and that's led to some interesting conversations with my family. I don't think he would have been I think he would have been fine but way more difficult.
Oof He's like conservative police officer. Not the yeah. My dad's in law enforcement too. It's a type of mentality. Yeah. Oh man.
Um It's a conditioning. It's a conditioning for sure.
Uh but yeah that was kind of it and then That's really nice that it was so uh chill. We talk a lot on this podcast about how nice it would be to just be able to walk into the kitchen where your parents are and be like oh by the way I'm gay and they're like oh okay cool noted and it's like not a deal. You know like the fact that it's a deal makes it it's just so unfair. So that sounds truly lovely. I yeah it really was not I think there was like more in depth the the person I was dating at the time was the hardest one. Oh yeah I can imagine. That was the hardest one. Um and came with like on my end I felt so guilty and felt so bad for I think like months a year like almost a year after. Um but yeah luckily most people were real chill about it. That's great.
Were you able to talk to the person and be like I'm gay or was it like were you not quite sure yet or I was sure I was sure for such a long time. Um I think my I was sure for a year I mean I've known for I've known since I had that conversation with my sister in high school. Um and I wasn't telling her then but I've known for so long and I had crushes on my friends in middle school. Yeah but um yeah I did tell uh the guy that I'd been in a very long term relationship with.
Um that he was a beard. Yep yeah he said I have a beard I don't know what's a beard.
Um he yeah and he was very sweet but definitely took it the hardest understandably so. Yeah yeah well it's so confusing cause it's like there is love there. There are so many different kinds of love. Yeah well we were best friends and he interpreted it one way and I felt really safe in that relationship. Totally yeah um cause I was so scared of yeah I think a lot of things that I didn't need to be but they feel scary no matter what.
Yes it's like it's harrowing in the closet. You're truly just like on a razor's edge for like years of your life. Totally uh yeah I came out uh later also but I when I dated uh like a cis dude in college we broke up but I was too afraid to like tell him why and I was just like I'm not attracted to you and that's why we broke up and that's like way worse and it's like so brutal to me I'm just not attracted to you or any cis man you know so it's like oh interesting like that would have it's come to my attention that you are hideous yeah no exactly because you disgust me so thoroughly kind of what I was saying I can no longer continue all of the sudden I'm not attracted to you um yeah so I'm just I look back on that and I'm like interesting I probably should have been a hundred times more honest than I was in that moment but have you ever had a conversation with him since or was it just yeah well so we had one super strange conversation like a year later that was like 15 minutes long and I still didn't come out but it sounded like he knew because we had a lot of mutual friends so I think someone told him but yeah I was just like I don't know when you're in like the church I was in like a very religious school where you like literally sign a contract to go there saying you won't have sex or do drugs or have like a gay thought you like sign literally a contract like with a quill oh my god in your blood yeah yeah and also like the Harry Potter thing it like carves it into your flesh as you write it I have like a dark mark uh but uh yeah so I think just everything was so like upside down there it was like I wasn't about to come out to him because I was just deep in the closet the closet was multiple rooms long um yeah Rhys what about you? um well I think there was a multiple room closet for me too there's sort of a gauntlet of um you know those kind of folding closet doors and the other kind of closet doors um so if I go back to when I was three um so I'm trans and I so I came out a couple times in a couple different ways I think in a way I sort of came out when I was three although that didn't really officially but like I was like oh I'm a guy a hundred percent and then this was the 80's and so being like a trans kid wasn't really a thing that it is now but actually looking back on my youth and childhood it's like I was trans-erkel like fully just like a hundred percent oh my god and like flip flip sunglasses rat tail bowl cut you know plastic fedora like I was full on like trans-erkel as a kid and weirdly people were kind of like well I got bullied but it was it was kind of later like it was actually kind of fine weirdly in my school I don't know what was going on it was like a bizarre like where were you this was in uh near like Pomona outside of LA oh no way I'm from the little part are you really yeah yeah I was there till I was ten then I moved to North Carolina oh wow and then things got a little bit rockier uh right around like puberty too yeah which is oh perfect time themed wardrobe everything I bought had flames on it I switched schools and boom I was in it that was exciting I had a bowl cut and a flames themed wardrobe and I was dead trans and no one liked me were you also a freshman at an art school no I was I was a closeted teen in Temecula oh my god wow uh yeah we should have had like a photoshoot at the time yeah it looked really slick um but then when I was like 13 I had a sort of very like my so called lifestyle argument with my mom and I was like no I'm that's not gonna happen cuz cuz cuz I'm not straight and so there was like that kind of thing and um and so yeah I was actually kind of out as queer when I was 13 which was interesting wow I was in middle school and um also kind of weird uh and kind of the only one and that actually dropped out of high school cuz of uh bullying and stuff like that no way I was in Chapel Hill which is actually kind of a progressive town but this this is North Carolina in the 90s though and it was still like it was actually really old school it was just it was old school homophobic back in the 90s for sure like it just was have you ever read the book dude you're a fag no it is so good really it is this book uh it's kind of like a psychology they go in and study a school that matches the demographics of all the high schools the median high school in the 90s oh wow and they it's like socioeconomically race everything and they interview all the kids on like gender and sexuality and you just it is an insane read in the 90s it's like in the 90s I would love to what's it called again it's dude you're a fag I gotta read that it's on pdf like online but it's yeah it's really good and reading that is like that's what happened to me and a lot of stuff I had suppressed I was like oh that definitely happened to me and I don't even consider that part of my story totally no it was rough it was weird but then what happened oh and then I finally so speaking of uh being a late bloomer um um I I didn't transition until I was like 25 so in a way you know what I mean so there was another coming out so it was kind of like god dammit we're doing this again and again and again um but it was it was okay uh so my parents are pretty actually I'm very lucky my parents have been very cool I keep on pushing them into like new challenges you know what I mean like over and over and they're like alright we're gonna do this now and they and they have you know really like I actually think I totally believe to that like that thing that children are here to teach our parents you know what I mean and like you get the you get the children you need yeah totally I totally think so and uh we're really close and stuff and I mean when I came out as trans uh when I was 25 which I mean I was trans or cool so it wasn't really like a total shock but also taking the steps was like but but you know it was my you know responsibility to kind of walk like my parents through it and really have long conversations and like make them talk about it actually because I was like look it's taken me a really long time to deal with this myself and figure it out and be comfortable so I can only imagine it would take somebody else some time too and that's okay you know yeah that's a really great way to think of it and you know I remember like my mom was like well I you know I have to like tell my hairdresser that to come out in her own way and like it was hard you know I totally respect that that was actually a legit journey you know and um now my folks and family are like very well my my nuclear family is very like you know they're like out and proud allies it's very sweet yes so it's been a a real road yeah I think I'm done coming out I mean I've done like I've been like LGBT seriously so like all seven layers rainbow phoenix oh god that's a terrible image um but yeah yeah I feel the same I feel like I'm from a very like deluxe closet like a very expensive like rotating multi-roomed closet as a seductive like a hot sex swing closet no um but I do every five years I have something new to tell my mom that will gut her and she's same thing like rolling with the punches and now I think she also has like a a really inspiring cute pride about it and like talks about it whenever she can with like her friends which is cute she like considers it she's still very religious uh like her ministry to like talk to other like uh Christians about this and which I love because it's kind of like you know my mom rocking the boat at church you know it's just like um yeah I what did it feel like to come out as trans what was that like uh journey like that was the hard one for some reason for some reason yeah um um god it took me forever too I mean not really I mean I was like in college people were like uh you're trans it's kind of like your odds a little bit but the college version the college years version of that um and I was like oh yeah maybe um but I was sort of uh yeah I was pretty I was pretty nervy about it for a long time um what kind of college did you go to I went to a liberal arts college like Hampshire college in Massachusetts oh yeah yeah pretty out there and cool in these ways I would say there was a lot of like there was a lot of like oh let's talk about gender and transness and queer and blah blah blah happening at that time and I'm sure still there um so it was around I was I was like yeah I don't know it's called old school shame really for real it is it was like it was stuck actually I feel like well obviously the world around me but also I got it from TV too I remember like the first um cause I was like transercal child and my parents were like yeah okay you're a tomboy we don't really care they didn't really care cause they didn't read it as trans they were just like whatever and then I saw this talk show one of those bad like 90's talk shows in the 90's and they had a trans man on there and they were like oh my god it was the most it was like so rough it was so sad so rough and I like and just this poor man and he just was being like just you know interrogated to like nothing you know and uh makes me so upset to think about it but I like saw I was about nine and I saw that and I was like oh shit that's me it's crazy that that's all it takes too it's like some popular media that's celebrated on like a big scale and then you're like oh this is the lens that everyone sees through well there's such a like vacuum there because there's like no information about trans people so then when you get one visual you're like boom that took up the entire space I remember realizing like so trans women would cause like anger or like fear in people but then like trans men were like ridiculed it was kind of like oh you you know like a dick envy or whatever kind of like oh look at this fucking like fake man or whatever like on stuff like that growing up and I was just like that's a nightmare uh and it just sets you back millennia you know uh but it's beautiful to think of now I guess there really hasn't been like when I think of like will and grace or modern family it's like cool all of America gets the gay thing or you know what I mean has like some reconciliation with gay culture but there hasn't really been something like that for trans people yet uh of like a sitcom with like a trans main character I guess billions what are we thinking it's like transparent definitely transparent yeah which I worked on for four seasons no way yeah oh my god I was a producer yeah oh that is so cool yeah definitely transparent uh I know my mom is obsessed with that I mean although in certain respects although at when that happened there was nothing there was zero you know it was like throwing something into the void absolutely I mean there was Laverne on Orange is the New Black there was a couple things that all started around the same time yes but before that year there was nothing you know what I'm kind of thinking though is of like a squeaky clean kind of like abc family show like network comedy god I want a Trojan horse like a lovable trans couple into like an abc family show I know it's true but truly one day I mean there's pose now yeah but that yeah gorgeous but something like Will and Grace that I think reaches reaches the center of our lovely country well it's I think it does give it's interesting because the more we see it and the more comfortable I was a huge tomboy my mom it terrified my mom when I was younger wow she pierced my ears so that people would know that girl there we go and like was real scared of so loving and supportive of me but was like I remember I was 7 8 um but she was just afraid of the world and what people would because like you getting that lens into um like seeing that on tv and how the world's gonna react that was I think and I think like the protective parents oh yeah and that generation like you know I think less so with us but still and I think it's so important to um yeah totally to spread a different message and to be more receptive because yeah people have this fear that's just it's hard for sure when like your parents think that they're saving you but you're like really what would save me is being allowed to be like who I am you know whether that's hard or not but it is true I mean it sounds like bullying was a nightmare for you yeah I mean I didn't have it as bad as a lot of people but certainly it's just you know yeah but uh but I do think that like you know I'm a director and you know I work in media and have created a lot of things that have to do with transness and representation and trying to actually specifically do crossover stuff you know that's sort of in a little Trojan horse a little funny like you know in a genre or something so it's actually reaching beyond the choir and kind of like splitting this thing open a little bit because of experiences like the one I you know just mentioned totally yeah where you kind of look back and try to yank people out quicker you know um it's a violent image I just made you for everyone um but yeah we do I mean with this podcast we definitely have a lot of people who've reached out and been like I am in the closet it's so great to listen to this so I bet it's nice for people to see this media that you're creating and feel seen and feel like some hope well this is perfect because we're already talking about it but our haunted word of today is Lake Bloomer usually it's hard to get this in wait did I spoiler the haunted word no it doesn't matter I was cute to tease it up yeah teed it up you were teasing it out I was teasing it up like my hair yeah but uh yeah I was teasing my hair for a downward spiral we've been talking about this for those of you not watching Reese has been teasing his hair this entire episode it's getting bigger and bigger but yeah Lake Bloomer what does that word make you think of those words and do you identify as one we already heard from you Sami yeah entirely so I think about coming out late knowing for so long being so scared do you feel like regret for it do you understand why it happened what's what's going on um I think I I think I've like let myself feel the regret um but yeah I definitely feel like I wish I had just loved myself a little bit more earlier on in my life to be able to and not yeah to have not been as scared and to just love myself a little bit more um totally because I didn't come out until I was 26 um and yeah and had really just uh I just felt yeah a lot of um shame like during that process cause I knew for so long and then once I did guilt about not doing it sooner um you know I also like understood it but yeah totally yeah I'd feel like I wasn't I feel like I was living through a filter and I was like well now I'm now I feel good being me um but I just felt yeah frozen for a long time totally yes that's exactly how I would explain it too I also it feels so like expansive when you come out and you're like this is what life feels like like holy shit yeah I was curious what you guys felt about because I I feel like my I came out pretty young but then it felt like I actually got to be gay until much later because of my situation yeah because you're just isolated in this world of like being the only gay person yes oh that's so interesting and that was kind of what it felt like for me was just like then you're just you're either a token or a clown oof and those are also kind of the same token so then I didn't even really have any gay friends until I was like maybe 19 and that wasn't even like the best kind of situation I was like once you really meet your people and then you're like oh my god like god this took so long to like finally feel like I'm finding a groove with other queer people yeah oh yeah and that was yeah that was like moving to a big city kind of thing do you think that's what helped with it yeah definitely that and yeah I don't know like there's also just a lot of fear regardless of whether you're out or not or at least there was for me when it came to gay relationships and like sex and dating like I just had a lot of fear and I had no because I didn't have any mentors or I didn't know any other people who went who were going through the same thing I just had no models yeah so then I would see people that I didn't know and like you know you don't really know how to start and you don't really know like yeah you don't really know what to do or you feel ignorant and also for me that made me kind of defensive um well the like the images that we get or like the messages that we get went straight to like the abbey like I went to like club culture because I was like I'm gay now this is what it looks like and it was just like the most isolated I've ever felt in my life just like sitting there with a beer alone in like a booming club being like and this is life now you know it's like yeah so yeah when you don't yeah it's so nice when you finally meet like sweet uh political queers or like you know people who speak your language and are just like these like pure sides of the coin I mean there's like going out too if that's like your thing but finding out that there's like room for everything yeah like I feel like my I didn't have any good relationships with other like sexual relationships I have always had really deep loving relationships with people that I'm like platonic with with and they're mostly cis women so it's like this also I'm like that probably has something to do with some fear that's still lingering that's really interesting you know like the closet is still hovering yeah the closet scars are still healing yeah it's like that yeah yeah that's so interesting that you say that because I think well like the thing about it being really isolating to be the only gay person like if I had just come out like it would have been so great but it's like no I still would have been in Temecula at a megachurch as the only gay person with people like quietly praying for me totally nightmare and it gives you this perspective of like I had this like fuck every single person that you know like for a long time you like that was my way of dealing yeah yeah you went super anti you had your anti tour yeah big time I think about high school too because I have that regret of like I had the same thing that you were saying I wish I had like if only I had just come out it would have been so much better and easier but the the one person I knew that had come out in high school because there's always like one or I mean so many of us I think are and a lot of my friends in high school later in life were a lot of us are gay yeah same here funny enough yeah and we found each other but we were still so scared to tell each other we dated each other straight yeah but the the two people that were openly out in high school there's definitely bullying but it's like you're under a microscope because you are the one yeah you're the whole test population yeah so I feel like everything they did was under and that was I wanted to hide yeah I felt like people who were closeted now that I'm older I look back and I'm like people who are closeted were probably like yikes you know to you like to me yeah I thought about that because of the like visibility that they saw we have a lot of questions like that that come in from viewers that are like wondering why they their aversion to gay stuff is so strong because they think that it will out which I get like it's not a thing that I'm like no but having to experience that yeah oh yeah yeah um I made a short I made a series called This Is Me that's like a web series of short documentaries on trans people and there's one of them I'm just gonna I'm not trying to plug it because it's an old project I mean watch it if you like I mean it's not my main plug but um but it came out a couple years ago called the series is called This Is Me and the episode's called And My Sisters and it's a documentary and it's these three trans women um who I know IRL and they're sitting around talking about what it means to be um seen as quote unquote like clockable or and the old school thing of like when you were a trans person say you were a trans you know trans person back in the day you see somebody you see another so it's kind of like a safety thing but then at the same time by the same token it like um it led to so like people not being able to find community have friendships um just being invisible as a and of course there's like a thing about survival in certain like contexts um but it is something that's like really important to like unpick and look at you know what I mean that's great um so that's online if people want to watch it that's great yeah no I love Rex and this show this is perfect I feel that sometimes I feel like early on the first like trans men that I like were I would be like have the biggest friend crush on someone and squish yeah I would have the biggest squish I'd be squishing on someone so hard like bumping a wet sponge on their head at the mall uh no but I definitely felt like a strong arm bar uh sometimes where it would just be like oh okay dude like then I guess we won't be friends but I do wonder if there was something like that that's a sad face yeah yeah yeah that's a bummer um okay cool let's move on to my name and pronouns some are anonymous so I'll just let you guys know when that comes up um okay our first question can you talk a bit about crushing when you're in the closet handling a crush on a straight person coping with rejection and the threat of rejection etc mmm yeah did you ever I I've realized I have a playlist called No More Straight Girls so cute does it have like seven year bitch on it and stuff like that yeah it's just me like yeah yeah totally L7 wargasm um I remember I joined lots of things and did lots of things that I was not interested in just to follow my straight friends around that I had crushes on mmm mhmm and I don't regret any of it what are we talking we talking track and field we talking I did um lots of video games boy scouts rowing you know like crew crew no I did crew for like two years just because of this boy no yeah no who I was best friends with homoerotic crew so it was also crew is incredible it was erotic it was deeply erotic it's like you're just both like yeah and you're in those like leotards what you're in leotards girl you're kidding me mmm they have little shorts they have little shorts yeah and there's like the varsity team what who are just these like demigods of fitness that's crazy yeah honestly what were they doing to us with these like uniforms like volleyball is just like hot little shorts yeah that's not okay like when I was so deep in the closet I would just go to a volleyball game and be like this is too much for my body like every cell is like multiplying yeah totally you're like this is I'm growing yeah um yeah did you ever confess a love to a um no I was I was like pretty sure because I I feel like I started hooking up with or started like sexually experimenting with boys when I was really young so like usually if there was some kind of chemistry happening there was like both sides were like do you want to play a game yeah like there was like something like that happening to be like truth or dare yeah you know and then you'd be like um take off your pants and like rub peanut butter all over your chest you know I dare you what a red hairy that peanut butter was not gonna be used or was it uh we have so much talk about that on this podcast everyone hooking up at such a young age uh yeah yeah it's always such a like slap in the face I'm like I did kiss someone once we even sometimes would call it like practice for adult oh yeah like we would refer to it as like as if playing house or something but anyway like in when I got older it was like that wasn't happening yeah like that kind of tacit understanding of like secrecy and volleying the you know like the risk uh just like wasn't even in the game like you know being in the same sleeping bag with this boy that I had a crush on and like we're just having a conversation and I'm like waiting for the the queue for it to happen for like that moment when we're both like so what should we do now you know and it just never came that is so cute to imagine two boys in a sleeping bag and one is like this is the night can you imagine for hours we used to do that and it was absolute torture yeah it's like the school I went to was just so unbelievably religious that like the idea that people might be gay wasn't even on the table yeah so it was like gender segregated dorms and like you like go like swimming naked in the ocean your first night as like a welcome back and it was just like and everyone was like dog piling naked on the beach and I was like is no one like aware like I am so gay yeah it's really interesting that that stuff can't be viewed through the lens of eroticism for those people either like as soon as that anyone's like even though it is even though it's platonic it's still deeply erotic in like a in like a powerful unifying way that doesn't have to be like penetrative it's like no totally patriarchal in that way where like this is sex yeah you know yes is that it's kind of homoerotic a lot of religious stuff is deeply erotic yeah you're like praying over each other and like touching and like you know yeah it's like that energy that good good energy it's like good energy yeah any any weigh-ins on a crush on a straight person I don't have a I don't have a personal funny I don't have a humorous personal anecdote unfortunately but so I have this movie coming out called Adam and I would just mention what that's about a little bit because it's that but flipped upside down backwards and inside out and it's about a 17 year old dorky teenage boy who lives with his parents and then goes to live with his cool older lesbian sister for a summer in New York City in 2006 and this guy his name's Adam and he's like following his cool sister around going all these like lesbian parties and he has doesn't really know what anything is and is kind of like clueless and then he meets this amazing person this girl and he has this deep crush on her and then a little later into their conversation after they're totally hitting off and she's about to leave she's like okay so here's my number but just so you know I've never dated a trans guy before and he's like what but doesn't totally know what that means because he's totally like a 17 year old dork cis boy right and then she leaves and he's like why that she thinks he's trans and so it's like it's kind of like the trans experience of what you know what I mean these stories that we think of like a trans person in a small town who has a crush on somebody and they think that they're not trans exactly it's that but flipped it's like boys don't cry but fun yeah but not gutting yeah maybe not exactly but yeah so Adam's kind of like he's got a crush on this person and he's trapped in his own closet ironically you know what I mean the whole world is queer and trans around him so that is a scenario that we explore in the new movie Adam that is so fun that's really cool yeah in like a little oasis like yeah majority except for in this like tiny little subculture if you call Bushwick in 2006 an oasis yeah and I do yeah I do oh man it's actually sorry to interject again no it is like a really interesting political inversion that I feel like needs to happen on so many levels in our country in general right now that's why I'm excited to see it actually yeah like just left to right actually this way of like there's a lot especially living in like a city when you know I feel like I definitely live in a queer bubble imagining a religious southern person coming and being in my world is like a really interesting funny thing to see that we don't think about as like them being this other trapped in our reality yeah that I think is really human like makes a lot of it's really humbling yeah you know I think it's really fun too because if you're gonna invert the story it proves that the story is already mass you know like everyone already understands it so I think that's a really fun step for trans media it's like it's invert you know it's like we're there baby you know that's a good point yeah it's kind of funny because it's like you know the audience is totally ahead of the characters because everybody had just a totally different level of trans literacy at that time and was sort of stumbling their way through all this stuff totally oh sex man and what was it oh I was thinking too like about how it's like well I really like how it's like really plays with who's the insider and who's the outsider and really kind of breaks those rules you know what I mean whoa my head's going you know yeah totally and then even like well never mind I was gonna talk about current I was gonna bring up some dark current politics oh go for it well I mean I was thinking about the other day about how like I was like you know it's like Adam is like is like what is the word I was gonna use he's like the minority of this world right but he he's not threatened by that which is actually it's interesting if you look at what's happening in culture right now you know what I mean yes like Adam actually leaned he makes some mistakes don't get me wrong like it's about him making mistakes and then learning from it but he actually leans into it like really learns like really respects this community and is like totally changed by it in this really positive profound way cool and I really think about that in terms of what's going on right now politically you know what I mean that's such a good example which is very rare totally and I think it's like really good and radical are so often like boys don't cry where it's like this disaster where there's like tragedy this like yeah this tragedy and I'm like kind of tired of seeing gay tragedies yeah yeah where it's just like the disaster of being gay yeah absolutely and it's like yeah it's like that is a story to be told and it has been so let's say what else happens like you know a 17 year old straight boy is like wait hey guys wait how do I do that what's going on I just wish I was trans totally that's cool oh god alright our next question let me see hi Allie and friends my name is Adrianna she, her and I'm bi I just graduated college and plan on becoming a physician assistant I was wondering if any of you had any thoughts on how health care providers can offer a safe and healthy space for all genders and sexualities it makes me so sad to hear about people avoiding getting the care that they need because they have had bad experiences or they fear being judged I want to be able to offer that space for people also I love this podcast it made me feel great about being bi with mostly straight friends heart cool we probably all have fucked up stories about doctors yeah and things doctors have said to us I'm sure so recently I've been going in for Kaiser I don't know if I can say their name whatever but they've had me in on like non-binary panels where I talk to all the doctors and it's like a Q&A it's literally been the most beautiful experience I went in first it was with like the psych department and it's all of SoCal so it's like people are there for like this long ass like training seminar like a auditorium? no smaller but still like hundreds right? that's crazy and yeah then they get to like ask all the questions and be like kind of bashful and like how do you do this and then just last week I went in for like endocrinology because like so many kids are transitioning young and they like had so many questions for me which I couldn't answer because I'm like I wasn't even like at seven boy do I wish I could have skipped puberty but like no I didn't so that's been really cool like that's amazing and then like I went to hospitals like truly trying to like get to that literacy point just how to navigate conversations and how to like give care in a way that's more caring and to like meet someone and be able to like ask questions without it being kind of like everything's on the line like asking the wrong question to a patient I could see being really scary so they were like brought me in as like the guinea pig essentially because I was like ask whatever yeah especially if they're really young too like my I'm being a nanny told you guys earlier that I was a nanny but I'm a nanny yeah bully the nanny I love that bully the nanny it's not the name that I used up when I worked in public school but my my the kid that I watch is gender non-conforming and is very defiant about gender gender it's very like you know whenever there's a question of like what are you from kids or adults it's very like love it you know like oh wow the future yeah that makes me giddy they're like I don't care love it but even with them it's kind of like he's not asking the questions that deeply yet but also they've gone to a lot of counseling about it because there has been a lot of push back from the community so it's really good that in LA there's courses that are trans-specific yes where people are like way ahead of the kid because he also doesn't really have the kind of know how or language for even what he's feeling yeah so it's kind of amazing that for the parents and for him that like this doctor is like I know exactly how to hold space for you yeah it was really shocking like all the a lot of the endocrinologists were like older and were like this is my family who their daughter started transitioning she doesn't need hormones yet but is now like dressing in women's clothes and you know like just being a little girl now but they had to take her out of her school because like the school wasn't understanding and then just start her in a new school like here's your new life and she's like four or five and she's like getting like chronic stomach aches and they think it's from anxiety which is like the same page which I like loved but that's I think it's really interesting that transitioning is happening way younger and I think it's good obviously I think yeah I mean I don't know I think my advice for that question too about going into medicine is I think it's such an area of expertise and you want your doctor to be confident in the medicine like regard being humble is a really good way of going about caring like know your stuff medically but I think being like leveling with someone and just being humble and not knowing and wanting to learn from patients like kind of like because I think what you're doing is beautiful and amazing and should like needs to be done yeah but that would be you know I think nurses have are taught to care for people and sometimes with the PAs and doctors it's much more about you know the medicine and the science so I think just yeah keeping that in mind and caring for people is probably what I would yeah I think so too yeah like you can know everything about medicine and stuff but if you you know the like humble enough to look at all of that is really interesting I also think a lot of questions came up in these two panels that I've done where like kind of the attitude towards trans or non-binary people was like it's never enough you know like it was like oh we got one person's pronouns wrong and she was really mad and it's like well let's pump the brakes on you know it's like this person is it's getting it from all angles and feeling and health was kind of like an oasis for them to feel like safe and literally like all you have to do is like put a note on the file of like pronouns you know like just have that become like second nature would be cool I appreciate the question though I feel like we need more people like this so we applaud you listener yes definitely thank you Adriana thank you okay let's see great hurtful and offensive things how did you learn to stand up for a part of yourself that you felt the need to hide for most of your life hmm I had trouble hiding so I feel like interesting yeah I really identify with like Quentin Crisp like somebody who was like there was never a closet you know he's like he's like became really loud about it because there was never really any other yeah there was never really any other option yeah and but also it doesn't make it less scary um yeah also like you don't want to put yourself at risk like I understand people who don't I feel like if they're if your life is at in danger or if you feel like you could get hurt it makes sense to try and find the best way to survive but if it's about social obligation personally I'm like if you're not living authentically you get sick in other ways yeah so like you're kind of playing with fire regardless like one choice is not really better than the other at the end of the day and if you have the choice and it truly is your choice if you like check in with yourself and you're like I could speak up and it would be hard and I might get some flack and there might be mental consequences but I would survive and I wouldn't be physically harmed then you should absolutely do it for that reason that otherwise you're kind of diminishing something that is always going to follow you and you're kind of in the process training yourself to always feel submissive in that way to the people who don't accept you yeah that's great and I'm curious about like what it's hard to find your place in like kind of like history I guess I think like reading like queer experience or you know like just books that have to deal with queer people coming out or like knowing your queer history can sometimes help push you to feel like if you're thinking in your own mind and you're like someone would make fun of me or you know whatever your worst fear is getting perspective and seeing what other people are going through who's that oh she's the person who's famous for throwing the brick at stonewall oh yeah yeah yeah oh wow and she's also just like an amazing person in general like her middle initial stands for pay it no mind wow which is like to me it's so good oh that's so good I love that as a philosophy for life and it's also something that you should think about when you're asking this question just like pay it no mind and speak your truth I made a trans history web series I'm like no wait it's so nice but these are all free well Adam is going to be in theaters but the other ones are free online so I'm like check it out like what do you got to lose but it's a series called because actually for me too I was like what is trans history I don't know anything like there's just a vacuum so my life was sort of suppressed and you know what I mean not recorded but yeah I was really interested in trans history to understand my own sort of trans patrilineage or whatever and I made this series called we've been around and it's we've been around series dot com but there's one on Marsha that we're going through has happened in the past it's like it's actually amazing that is incredibly cool what a great resource you are oh and that's all the time we have today which is your drag day no that's so beautiful that's amazing that's awesome that actually you know what thank you so much for listening those of you at home if you have a question for us please send it in we'd love to hear from you you can do it through the instagram our discord or an anonymous survey link that we will put up uh very shortly uh thank you so much have a great week everyone bye by the twilight's last gleaming |
SaturdayNightLive | mary_poppins_saturday_night_live | Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. if you say it loud enough, you'll always sound ferocious. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Oh, Mary Poppins. That was ever so much fun.
What a delightful new word. It must be the longest word in the dictionary and the silliest.
What does it mean? Mary Poppins? What? Oh, that doesn't matter. it's just a silly billy word.
Now, who wants to ride a magical carousel? I do.
But first, please tell us what that word means. Yes, there must be some kind of working definition. Well, if you must know, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a disease of the liver. It's very rare and extremely painful. Goodness. How'd you ever learn a word like that?
Mary Poppins? I have it. I have the disease. Oh, is it as fun to have as it is to say? Mary Poppins?
Well, no. What happens basically is that your liver stops producing bile. Gradually, you lose the ability to break down acids, and eventually your body just shuts down.
Sure is fun to sing though.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Is it contagious? Mary Poppins? Yes, but only for grown ups. What does that mean? How do I explain it? sometimes when a man and a woman really fancy each other, hello everyone, Bitch. Oh easy, children, I got one heck of a stomach ache. Must be your cooking. Mary Poppins. We just learned a new word. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. It's a disease of the liver. Mary Poppins has it. It's spread amongst grown ups. Is that right? children. Would you excuse us for one moment? All they say Mary. but you have something.
Oh, but don't worry, you look healthy to me. Healthy?
I've got black lung from sweeping the chimneys and now you've given me Supercalifragil? Whatever. Expialidocious? Shut it. Oh, but cheer up. it's not that bad because just a spoonful of sugar and from magazine go down in the most delightful way. Sugar. That'll cure my disease.
Hello Guy Constable Jones, Don't come near me. I'm feeling awful sick.
I'll be your cooking.
Mary Poppins. So what's the good word? Listen. Tommy.
Oh no. Supercalifragil-what? Expialidocious?
Come on. I'll buy you a whiskey. Come on.
This has been a very unusual day. Mary Poppins. Well, I'm a very unusual nanny. I guess I'm in pretty serious denial. Supercalifragilistic Expialidocious. Thanks for watching! |
dropout | prank_war_7_the_half_court_shot | Hey everyone, my name is Streeter from CollegeHumor.com. Last time you saw me, if you're not a College Humor fan, was probably when I was being pranked at Yankee Stadium by my friend Amir. Amir Sharon, I love you forever.
You're getting married, right?
You know how at halftime at basketball games, one lucky fan is always dragged out on court, is given the opportunity to take some impossible shot to win a ton of money? Well, what if that fan were Amir? What if he made that shot and it was worth half a million dollars, and what if we saw him be told it was all fake seconds later and be embarrassed in front of 18,000 people?
Wouldn't that be fun? I think that'd be fun.
All access. Look at that.
So guys, I just got word that Amir is in his seat. He's sitting next to a mutual friend of ours, Neil Janowitz. Now Neil was my accomplice and invited Amir down. Neil's an ESPN writer, and he said he had to cover this game for the magazine. And to get Amir to come with him as a little added incentive, he was promised Amir he was going to rig it so that he would get picked to take this half-court shot.
Tonight's winner is CNN section 112. I know who it is. You wrote the title. Seat won. Congratulations to our lucky winner.
Please stay in your seat. This is what we're talking about. How are you feeling?
It's a lot of money. It's $500,000. That's why we got insurance.
I got a picture of it, yeah. That was a video. You look good though.
In a couple minutes, he's going to come up. Hey, Sharon, here's my number. I don't want you to come up for a long time. $1,000 challenge. It's going to be a good shot for $500,000. That's going straight in front of you. How important are five steps away? It's your shot.
Four, three, two, one. Go! Three, two, one. Go! Three, two, one. Go!
So what happened when I shot it? I'm a station man. This is my shot. We're both so far, man.
You're not that far. You're not bad, right?
They cheered. I asked them to cheer for you.
Yeah, it's been a while, hasn't it? Yes. Those old feelings coming back again. Did you really think you would want to have it? Yes, I did. I would have a million dollars. I'm sorry, man. It was too good. I know what I want to get for you next time, but I've been waiting on it. Oh, really? You have?
It won't be a year and a half. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. What are you going to do? You can't ruin any more relationships.
Three, two, one. Go! Good luck and congratulations. So what happened when I shot it? I'm a station man. This is rich, right? Oh, you're airballed so far, man. No, no, no, it's too far. Oh. Thank you, Neil. You're not bad, right?
No, they cheered. I asked them to cheer for you.
Yeah, it's been a while, hasn't it? Yes. Those old feelings coming back again. Did you really think you would want to have it? Yes, I did. I would have a million dollars. I'm sorry, man. It's too good. This is good because I know what I want to get for you next time, but I've been waiting on it. Oh, really? You have?
It won't be a year and a half. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. What are you going to do? You can't ruin any more relationships. Three, two, one. Go! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_bill_clinton_reviews_absolute_power_saturday_night_live | Absolute Power. Clint Eastwood's film of Murder and Political Corruption continues its strong showing at the box office Here with his review as update: Movie Critic and 42nd President of the United States, Bill Clinton. Thank you and God bless you all. Norm, Director. Clint Eastwood's lightest film, opens promisingly enough. the President of the United States, played by Jane Hackman is having a rendezvous with his mistress at the home of her wealthy husband. So far, so good. But suddenly everything goes to hell for the two lovers and for us, the audience. hearing the sounds of rough sex and believing the President to be in danger, Secret Service agents burst in shooting the President's mistress dead.
I almost walked out right then. I'm sorry I didn't, Norm, because this movie is one big, steaming piece of pony loaf. I did not like this movie. Oh, now, Mr. President, it couldn't have been that bad. Oh, come on, Norm, it was that bad. And what drives me crazy is here.
You got all the makings of a great motion picture. you got the President of the United States and an attractive young mistress. And what do they do in the first five minutes? they kill her off. they kill off the mistress. Why do that? Well, what should they have done differently, Mr. President? Norm, it seems to me, if I were making a film about a murder and cover-up at the highest levels of government, you choose a more compelling victim than the President's mistress. like who? the President's wife. to me, that's obviously the way to go. And they blew it. they blew it.
I see what you mean, Mr. President. yeah, the First Lady, you know, her being murdered would be a bigger deal, wouldn't it? exactly. if the President's mistress disappeared, who would know? But if the First Lady were suddenly to vanish, how would the President explain it? And would the public buy his explanation? If not, what kind of explanation for his wife's disappearance would they buy? haven't you ever wondered about these things? haven't you ever think about stuff like that?
I guess you're right. I can see the possibilities.
Oh, come on. it's obvious to anyone, the First Lady Murdered. there's your movie. But unfortunately, screenwriter William Goldman would rather kill off a beautiful young mistress whose only crime was lacking rough sex. Oh, come on. Mr. President, come on. Mr. Goldman, if you're out there watching, you should be shot. and your body dragged to a park to make it look like a suicide. Come on, easy there, Mr. President. I think you're being a little rough on Mr. Goldman there, hey.
Well, you didn't see this movie, Norman. it was El Stanko. in fact, on a scale of 1 to 10, I give this Gobbler a 1. Okay, there we go. All right, Mr. President, you made your point. you didn't like the movie. Anyway, hey, we're all wondering, how's the need doing? is there going to be any pain? Oh, not as much as sitting through absolute power, Norm. I mean, it reads.: yeah, I know. you don't like it. Okay. I didn't like this movie. Okay, fair enough.
The President of the United States, everybody. Danny Wilson, 17th floor. Good night, everybody. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Australia_Speaks_Travel_Changes_Bad_News_For_Qantas_More_December_9 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate bulletin. A bit of it going on in the world. Megan and Harry are playing up again.
Energy subsidies or some shit. Boring. They're putting a price on coal, but who cares about that?
Glencore's out. They put a royalties price cap on coal and Glencore have decided to leave. Those Swedish cowards.
When I say Glencore, you say Grubs. Glencore! Grub! There you go. Glencore! Grub! Glencore! Grub!
Here, here CFMU. Yeah, that's from a past life anyway. Past life.
But yeah, there's a lot going on in the world. You're joined by myself, Clancy. Overall, we've got Errol Parker, who was chanting that union propaganda. You just heard earlier. And of course, we've got Wendell Hussey, the neoliberal swine who thinks unions should be busted up. There's no unions in the media, I'll tell you that. Well, there are. Well, there is, but it's- MEAA, except you're basically dealing with people that your boss is mates with. And he's just kind of semi-retired in a good paddock. Sorry, Paul, if you heard that.
And it's based in bloody Redfern. As David Littleproud said this week, you know, the world is a lot bigger than Redfern. People in Redfern, they don't stand for people in regional Australia. You know what I don't get about those gnats? They're always talking shit about the inner city, but they spend more time in there than a lot of people, I reckon. Mate, they all have a flat here. I mean, I remember when I was driving a cab in Sydney, the flat across the bloody way was owned by bloody, what's his name, fucking Bill Heffernan. Bill Heffernan. If you got on a plane and went down to Sydney and then walked along Willamooloo Wharf, I guarantee you'd see a senior gnat from out of the New South Wales parliament or if they're all- With their mistress.
Yeah. Blowing her back out. Well, highly likely. Yeah. They've got form, those fellas. Yeah. Anyway, I don't know.
I would point out- This barley band would be a big trouble for them. I reckon they would be incredibly selfish, too, and I reckon most of them would knock up. Selfish lovers. Yeah, no, I don't think they'd be doing too much top work, those gnats. I think they'd be more or less, you know, star fishing on their back. Well, you know, the gender pay gap is real, but so is the orgasm gap, and I dare say these blokes are contributing to it. That's disgusting visual.
Let's get on with the weekly bulletin, shall we? Yeah, we shall. Look, we're going to get into it with the first story, which is a really hard-hitting piece, something that we've come to be known for over these years.
The headline reads like this, Australians unanimously agree that Moro deserves to exist outside of the favourites box. Yes, a recent survey of confectionary enthusiasts has found that Moro chocolate bars hold up on their own and deserve to be available as an individual choccy at the front counter of the servo or Woolies. Yes, this new report conducted by the Australian Choccy Alliance has found that the chocolate-coated whip nougat and caramel centre is a real hit with the general public. Of the three million Australian survey, 95% said that they would support the decision for Cadbury to release a limited edition favourites box with only Moro bars. 98% said the Moro Vasi outperforms the supermarket darling picnic, despite the relentless ad campaigns and promoting of the peanut-riddled allergy trap.
And, controversially, 75% of those surveyed claimed that there is no difference between the Mars bar and the Moro, which is bullshit. Well, look, Darren Greaves doesn't agree with that. He got a lot of likes on his comments saying that Moro are the poor man's Mars bar.
Interesting, I always thought it was nougat. Nougat. I didn't realise it was nougat.
There you go. Learn something new every day.
Now, we're moving on to a bit of aviation news, which has caused quite a stir after revelations that Virgin will now be the only airline allowed to fly in and out of Bali. Yes, some big news out of Australia's favourite tourist destination this week. The conservative Indonesian government, in charge of the world's third largest democracy, has revealed that only Virgin Airways will be allowed to fly in and out of Denpasar Airport moving forward. Yes, this follows the passing of the laws this week in Indonesia banning premarital sex and cohabitation. Adultery was already banned in the country, but these new laws will carry a punishment of up to a year in prison. Bad news for the likes of Qantas and Jetstar though, with Virgin now the only airline provider allowed to fly into the Bintang Mecca of Bali.
Yes, Chris Wardle raised an interesting point in the comments section. He said if they go in and out too many times, they may be asked to produce their operator's certificate. Also, bad news for the Nats there, as we mentioned at the top of the bulletin.
Hey baby, I can ride a horse. I can ride a horse, fly a plane. I'm a country boy, that means I can ride a horse, fly a plane, and fuck my woman.
I come up close to you, whisper in your ear, g'day mate. I don't think he's had too many big promotions in his body. My strong hand down your back. I whisper in your ear, g'day mate. Hey baby, I just had a big promotion at work. I don't think he's had many big promotions in his body.
Andrew Broad, if you're listening mate, we miss your candour in parliament, I'll tell you what. Come on the podcast. I miss the day when Nats would just resign when they fuck up that badly. I'm sorry, I'm resigning now.
Anyway. And in this game of things, some just incredibly cringe language that got leaked. Not actually. Why are you spending so much time trying to tune someone that you pay for sex anyway? No, that was so how that happened. So he had to, like, it was like a sugar daddy thing. And yeah. He did have to put in the work. He was a Nationals backbencher. He's on like a fucking 140 grand. Like that's not going to impress anyone.
Free flights though. Free flights. A buck forty mate. That's below the poverty line in two of our seven capitals. Yes, that's true.
Alright, some more aviation news and there's been shock around the nation as workers treated like garbage, perform like garbage. Yes, the baggage handlers employed by Qantas on some predatory enterprise agreement or something like that have caused a stir after being filmed treating luggage belonging to customers like rubbish this week. Yes, if you haven't seen the footage, some gear economy workers were filmed throwing passengers luggage onto the conveyor belt like medicine balls at the gym. Passengers have hit out at the now fired handlers with Qantas moving to assure everyone that it isn't their fault. And of course the media following suit by backing their darlings. Because, as Qantas CEO Alan Joyce told the media, while tows two baggage handlers were handling Qantas' luggage, they weren't actually technically employed by the airline, but they were employed by a third party whose contracts out workers to Qantas were at a much cheaper rate than the airline used to have to pay their baggage handlers.
So it's not really on them, no. There you go, right from the horse's mouth. Finishing out with some sports news and a social sport referee has changed his decision this week after being informed he's an idiot with shit for brains. Yes, this is a really exciting sports story, a world first to come out of our very own corner of the world. A referee this week, a social volunteer mind you, has overturned his decision without the assistance of any video technology or comments from the touch judge. The social mixed touch referee made the incredible call to go back on his word and allow a previously called forward pass that led to a try after compelling arguments from a local player. That's right, this incredibly persuasive young player apparently managed to change the ref's opinion by telling him that he was a quote fucking idiot who had shit for brains and to open his quote fucking eyes. Yeah apparently just like that the referee said oh that's yeah actually you're spot on there that was a bad call from me and he just overturned it and gave it. Well look in the far superior game of AFL we don't have forward passes but we do have I believe they're called travels when you don't bounce the ball? Yeah and they're holding on as well but I don't know how that works with AFL9s.
Sickening concussions. Sickening racism too, sickening sexism.
Well I'm just glad that all of the players in my favourite sport of AFL went to public high schools and they're real salt of the earth characters. And they didn't just go to 7 schools in Melbourne. Yeah good working class fellas. Yep. Good working class lads. Plenty of blokes from towns like Wagga and Shepparton making it. A few guys from Perth on a first name basis with people like Christian Porter and Troy Buswell.
Ohhhhhhhh. Anyway. Enough with the hot takes about AFL. Let's go boys, it's a Christmas party. |
Reductressnews | Reductress_Talks_to_Julie_Klausner_for_BEST_FRIENDS_EVER | Hi, I'm Courtney Wilgus, and I'm here via De La Pache in the East Village with comedian, podcaster, author, and best friend ever, Julie Klasner. Hey! So, Julie, every duck dress, we're really big on what's in each other's purses. So is there anything, I don't know, weird in your purse that you don't mind showing me? I mean, it's pretty standard stuff. Here's a hairbrush. That's good.
Here's some deodorant. Do you have a sweating problem? Um, I have a sweating solution.
Oh. Tampons, obviously. Totally. Here's a pregnancy test. Oh. It's always one or the other, right? Or both. I mean, you never know. This is a talcinex. This is for eczema.
I noticed you don't have a rape whistle. Uh, no. That's free. No, I've learned to do it with my fingers. Oh, wow. To rape with my fingers. Oh, for real.
So, Julie, your new young adult novel, Art Girls Are Easy, just came out. Yes. So I was thinking we could play a little game. Okay. Where I give you some names of characters that could appear in a hypothetical young adult novel. Great. And I want you to tell me, what do you think this girl would be like?
So to start, Marigold Snow. Marigold Snow is just a bitch.
Just like classic bitch. When they were casting for the film adaptation, it would just say, like, Kristen Stewart type. Because they want somebody who's like all angles and sneer.
Doesn't give a shit. Like pretends that she doesn't give a shit, but like, she gives a shit.
Grayson Ashworth. Grayson Ashworth is like a diesel dyke.
She's like someone who's like really, really hardcore about like, she was like out in third grade. And then later she'll grow up into a woman that wears like a chunky necklace. Oh. Like a statement necklace. For sure. Over a tunic top that's just shapeless. Eileen Fisher. Yeah, it's like, it's none of your business what's below my neck. Like, look at my necklace. Anything else below. It's irrelevant.
I mean, if you ever want to steal these names, that's totally fine. Well, I won't be stealing because you've given them to me. So I thought we could look at these issues of cat fancy and modern dog and pick out the sexiest cats and dogs. So I just want you to rate them.
By the way, I love how modern dog has like an all, you know, like sans serif lower case font. Oh, it's modern. Because that is very, it's like the West Elm of dog magazines. It is. Yeah, they have some low tables. Because cat fancy is just, that's the OG. I mean, you don't get more classic than this.
Yeah, no. They don't need to prove anything. It's like the farmer's almanac. It just doesn't change. Why would it?
So this dog, how adoptable? I'd adopt him. I find him extremely adoptable.
And also he wants the troops to come home. He's wearing yellow ribbon. Yeah. It's a stupid war. Oh. He's ready for dinner.
Dogs don't sit down at tables like that. They don't put up a, they don't tuck a bib.
I'm saying like bitch please to the photo director. He's literally waiting for this photo to be over. I'm waiting for it to go on forever.
This guy. Yeah, that's a sexy kitten. I mean, he's just sort of coming into his own. He doesn't really have any awareness, but he's also a little young, so I don't want to weigh in without seeming like a creep. Lolita? Yeah, he's like a little lolito. Lolito.
Yeah, so I'm just going to say one day he'll be a meow, but for the time being, don't sexualize that kitten. Ooh, wild cat. This one, that's a very sexy cat.
Alright. Yeah, that cat reminds me of like Bradley Cooper, especially with his posture. Oh. Do you feel like Bradley Cooper presents like that? Yes. He's like hey, I'm just stretching, but aren't I sexy? Right, right, right. So I'm going to go ahead and say meow for that one. Double trouble. Oh, the Black Brothers. Yeah. I know these guys. I want this one.
No tails, no tails. No tails. Easier access. No need, yeah. We want to fuck cats. |
dropout | is_grant_keith_from_buzzfeed_hardly_working | Hey, does the guy in this Buzzfeed video kind of look like Grant? Oh, you mean Keith? Maybe a little. What? Come on, they're exactly the same. Grant, what's up? Get over here for a second. You're not secretly Keith from Buzzfeed trying to work for both sides at the same time, are you? No. You sure? I wish I had that kind of time. Because even like now, I thought that you were Keith for a second. That's crazy. I'm Grant. That's Keith. Hi. What the hell? See? We're two different people. Keith. That's my name. Get the hell over here. Uncanny. Okay, so which one of you is Grant? I am. Okay, and that means that you're Keith?
We're not that similar. We can't be.
This guy's too damn handsome. Is it the glasses? Those look alike. Well, you've got great taste.
Well, right back at you. I'll take them off. You'll say, oh, I'm such a clots idiot.
See? No, now you look even more like Keith. And Keith still looks like Keith. No way.
I wish I had that jawline. You do. I wish I had that megawatt smile. You do!
Trapper, you're just being nice. Hey, it takes nice to know nice. Hey, it takes charming to know charming.
Shut up, the both of you. Fuck. Okay. You are Grant. Yes. And you are Keith. Yes. Then who the hell is that? Well, that's my twin brother Grant. Hi, I'm Grant Abersburger. Fuck off. No, no. You have an identical twin named Grant. Nah, we're fraternal. Like hell you are.
I wish I had that jawline. I wish I had that megawatt smile.
You're identical. I have a twin, too. No. Nice to meet you, Keith O'Brien. No, you're all the same.
Well, Grant's a little taller. How tall is Grant, anyway?
Oh, don't even get into it with him. It's a whole thing. What the shit is going on here?
Just four identical trees lumbering around the office. Trees lumbering.
That's a heck of a pun. This guy's funny. Yeah, that's trap. He's nice. He's a little high strung.
No, I'm not. Whoa, calm down. No.
Where the fuck this guy is? I've never seen him before in my life. Trap, that's a mirror.
No. No! Do you guys think I look like Grant from College Humor? No. Come on, Keith. You don't have his megawatt smile. A little.
All right, you fuckers ready to give it a whirl? Hell yeah. Let's do it.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
cracked | 5_most_popular_youtube_pages_are_all_retarded | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 8 of Crack TV, where, if you're anything like me, you're starting to worry about your infatuation with Michael. Of course, I'm referring to Irish revolutionary Michael Collins. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of People, applauding inappropriately. How you doing, Clippy?
What? No! Man, don't do it! Oh! Oh, that's terrible.
Uh, you know what? I didn't really prepare for, um, no. No, you know what?
I'm a professional. I'll wing it. Clippy, bring me the 5th most subscribed channel on YouTube. Hey, without the sass. Alright, not bad. Oh, this could be exciting. Huh, one more thing.
Stop! Those girls better be running from the Jonas Brothers. Am I right? Did the Jonas Brothers become giant monsters? Could we check on that? I don't care what kind of magic glasses you put on, the Jonas Brothers will never be 3-dimensional.
I'm sure everyone in the comments is just as outraged. Hmm, they don't seem to be horrified. Alright, I see.
According to this girl's profile, she's 14, her favorite music is rock, rap, pop, rock, hip-hop, and her favorite books are Bible and Jonas Brothers.
You know what? I think this channel is just an anomaly. There are a lot of teen girls out there and they should have someone that speaks to their geni- Is he wheezing? Jesus! You know, there's only one way that this could get weird. Bingo.
Universal Music Group. See Disney? No matter how hard you try, rock is still king. Alright, UMG, what do you got in the chart toppers, huh? Three doors down?
Okay. Pretty good. TV on the radio? I've heard good things. Jack Johnson's more folk, really. Okay, a beat. A beat is good.
Now I'm not sure where your- what? It's on. Is this the Jonas Brothers again? Oh. Right. Uh, yeah. That's it. I'm calling it.
Oh, hey, it's a sketch troupe. You know, I'm in a sketch troupe.
I think I'm really gonna like these guys. Let's check out their most viewed video. Well, you know, that was an early video. I mean, it looks like they got a little bit of everything here.
There's political humor.
Screw you, Barack Obama! Or should I say, Barack's Obama?
Straight sketch? Oh. I thought you asked if I still liked Stephen Rice. Music videos?
Teleporting. Bad guy. Teleporting.
Don't give up. Conversals?
Well, I could take beef and go anywhere.
Please stop, please. Can we please, please stop?
I catch your Pokemon! Hmmm. That one reminded me of something, but I can't quite write. That's it. Fun fact.
Smosh used to be the number one YouTube channel. Unfortunately, they just couldn't compete with the raw talent of video performance artists Niiijigiga.
Hey, Frank. Boldly brushing aside conventional notions of editing, lighting, sound. Hey, you. Frame composition. You're gonna teach me how to be a ninja? And humor. See me? Am I a bird or am I a tree? Well, blinds go high in the air. Niiijigiga challenges us all to ask ourselves, How many times can we watch the same thing before our lungs claw their way out of our asses and we die? With a fresh voice like that. I'll bet, mmm, recently released DVD film is as drenched in originality as this sentence was in sarcasm.
They wouldn't. They did. Ted's not gonna like that.
Whoa! Okay, so far things have been a little disappointing. If I had to guess, I'd say the average YouTube user was a 14-year-old girl with Down syndrome. But call me crazy. I'm still optimistic. And I'll tell you why. We're about to watch the most popular poster on the most popular video sharing site on the web, and that has got to count for something. Humanity? Justify my faith.
Hey, you spray! What's up, homey cutie? I need medication, I need medication, I need medication, I need medication, I need medication. What if he comes over here being a little bit on the bridge? Because?
I don't care, okay? No, listen, I don't care. Look, fuck it. You don't need me. What could be on the show for all I care?
Ted, fuck it. Mike, you can't just... Cut it. Cut it! |
dropout | sorry_my_car_is_so_gross | Yo, if you're going downtown, can I get a ride? Yeah, for sure. Cool, thank you. For sure.
Sorry about my car. I guess I don't realize how gross it gets when it's just me. No problem. I mean, you're super saving me from having to take the bus. I appreciate it. You don't have to be so nice. It's really gross in here. Hey, don't worry.
It's a great car.
It actually barely works. Sorry, I have to run the heat really quick to even get it to start.
Sure, no problem. Oh, gosh. Also, the seat warmers are permanently stuck on. OK, not a problem.
I didn't mean that. Ooh. Do you have a dog or something? No. OK. Did you go to the beach recently? Oh, yeah, that was like nine months ago. Let me just turn the radio on. No, no, no, no, no. It broke like eight months ago at the meeting to get it fixed. What? Sorry.
I don't even use that. I just put my phone in a cup.
Just as good. Yeah.
Can I grab a sip of this? What?
No, no, no. Sorry. That's my ashtray. Yeah. No, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
That's my ashtray too. That's fucking crazy. I ash up there too. Oh my god. This entire car is my ashtray.
It's fine. Thank you for the ride.
Oh, what is this? My dabs melted in the sun. What?
It's like $800 worth of dabs. Do you need dabs? No, I'm sorry. You got to try a dab, Regan.
Come on. Oh my god. Oh shit.
No, no, no. Use the stand. Use the stand.
No. Oh my god.
How do you live this way? How do I live like this?
I'll clean my car this weekend. Shut the fuck up, Meredith.
That's some more cool stuff. And if you want to see a hot babe in the city, click here. I made that. This is what I like. |
SaturdayNightLive | midwife_snl | Okay, Mrs. Murphy, your contractions are 30 seconds apart. this baby is coming. but I'm not due for another two weeks. don't worry, Mrs. Murphy. I know it's scary, but listen to me and breathe.
But what about my midwife? he's on his way, okay? Thank God. we had planned for an at-home birth.
I need him here. deep breaths, Mrs. Murphy. excuse me. excuse me. clear a path. Clear a path.
I'm the midwife. Barry, thank God. Dr. Rogers, this is my midwife, Barry.
Oh, okay. nice to meet you, Barry. actually, we've met. Oh, I'm sorry. of course, then it's nice to see you.
Okay, so she's already dilated 10 centimeters. we need to move fast.
So do you remember meeting me? it's not a test. I'm just curious. I'm genuinely curious.
Okay, she's crowning. I feel like I'm gonna faint.
Here, honey, sip this sweet ginger Kombucha.
We met at Danielle Acker's barbecue. hey, can you just please ask her about this later? No, for sure. for sure.
But it was the barbecue before the Macklemore concert? Macklemore?
So what we met, like, in 2012, one time?
Okay, Barry, I'm sorry, but I can't deal with this right now. Oh, really? then how come, while you were being defensive, I was delivering this baby? midwife here yet? Clear a path. clear a path. it's Barry, the midwife. that's him. Thank God.
Oh, Barry, it's nice to see you again. again? Oh. have we met?
Are you serious? Deadass.
I've never seen you before in my life. I promise you have. we met at this hospital in this exact room. Okay, what is the purpose of this? to embarrass me? we've never met.
Girl, respect yourself. what's going on? don't worry. I'll explain.
So Barry is pretending to not remember Dr. Rogers because three years ago, she didn't remember meeting him at a barbecue.
Yes, before a Macklemore concert. Macklemore?
So we met, like, in 2012, one time? Throwback? You really remember me.
I'm curious as to why. Anyway, while you were being Dr. Gaslight, I was delivering this baby. thanks for having us at your barbecue, Danielle, the grill master, Acker. no problem.
I wish you could come to the Macklemore concert later. I can't.
I have work. that's why I'm dressed like this. Clear a path. clear a path for Barry, the hungry midwife.
Hi, I'm Jill. it's nice to meet you. it's nice to meet you too. Wow. I love your hair.
I've always wanted to do long. really?
I don't think that's a good idea. I wouldn't recognize you if I saw you again in the future. Is that a threat?
Mrs. Murphy, long time, no see.
I can't believe this is baby number two. I know. life happens so fast. Oh, and this is my midwife. you guys remember each other, right? actually, we do.
I'm so sorry, Dr. Rogers. I owe you an apology. I pretended not to remember you because you didn't remember me and it made me so furious. No, I'm sorry, Barry. I felt so bad that I didn't remember you. it made me feel embarrassed. are you serious? I was being an emotional terrorist.
Oh, my God. did we miss it? Honey, we got here as fast as we could. it's okay, Jeff.
Barry, Dr. Rogers, this is my husband and my first daughter, Kayla. you delivered her. Hi, Kayla. it's nice to meet you. actually, we've met. Well, then it's nice to see you, Okay? excuse me, excuse me, clear a path, clear a path.
I'm the midwife. Barry, thank God. Dr. Rogers, this is my midwife, Barry.
Oh, okay. nice to meet you, Barry. actually, we've met. Oh, I'm sorry? of course, then it's nice to see you.
Okay, so she's already dilated 10 centimeters. we need to move fast.
So do you remember meeting me? it's not a test. I'm just curious. I'm genuinely curious.
Okay, she's crowning. I feel like I'm gonna faint.
Here, honey, sip this sweet Ginger Kombucha.
We met at Danielle Acker's Barbecue. hey, can you just please ask her about this later? No, for sure, for sure.
But it was the barbecue before the Macklemore concert. Macklemore?
So what we met, like, in 2012, one time?
Okay, Barry, I'm sorry, but I can't deal with this right now. Oh, really? then how come, while you were being defensive, I was delivering this baby? my wife here yet? Clear a path, clear a path. it's Barry, the midwife. that's him. Thank God.
Oh, Barry, it's nice to see you again. again? Oh. have we met?
Are you serious? Deadass.
I've never seen you before in my life. I promise you have. we met at this hospital in this exact room. Okay, what is the purpose of this? to embarrass me? we've never met.
Girl, respect yourself.
What's going on? don't worry. I'll explain.
So Barry is pretending to not remember Dr. Rogers because three years ago, she didn't remember meeting him at a barbecue.
Yes, before a Macklemore concert. Macklemore?
So we met, like, in 2012, one time? Throwback? you really remembered me.
I'm curious as to why. Anyway, while you were being Dr. Gaslight, I was delivering this baby. thanks for having us at your barbecue, Danielle, the grill master, Acker. no problem.
I wish you could come to the Macklemore concert later. I can't.
I have work. that's why I'm dressed like this. clear a path, clear a path for Barry, the hungry midwife.
Hi, I'm Jill. it's nice to meet you. it's nice to meet you, too.
Wow. I love your hair. I've always wanted to do long. really?
I don't think that's a good idea. I wouldn't recognize you if I saw you again in the future. Is that a threat?
Mrs. Murphy, long time, no see.
I can't believe this is baby number two. I know. life happens so fast.
Oh, and this is my midwife. you guys remember each other, right? Absolutely. actually, we do.
I'm so sorry, Dr. Rogers. I owe you an apology. I pretended not to remember you because you didn't remember me. And it made me so furious. No. I'm sorry, Barry. I felt so bad that I didn't remember you. it made me feel embarrassed. are you serious? I was being an emotional terrorist.
Oh, My. God. did we miss it?
Honey, we got here as fast as we could. it's okay, Jeff. Barry, Dr. Rogers, this is my husband and my first daughter, Kayla. you delivered her. Hi, Kayla. nice to meet you. actually, we've met. Well, then it's nice to see you, okay? |
dropout | intervention_for_your_friend_s_baby | Anyways, my point is, I just think she's toxic. And you know what? I feel bad for her, because honestly, she's losing a good friend. Okay, Caitlin is going to be here any moment. Do you think she'll bring John? She always brings him, and I'm sorry, I can't stand him, and I don't know why she's with him. For me, it's not even that I don't like John, it's that I don't like Caitlin when she's with John.
We should make an effort. She loves her life, he makes her happy, and after all, he is her baby. That's her? Okay, remember, we're being supportive of her relationship with her two month old infant.
Hi! And you brought John. Mine was going to take the baby this afternoon, but it ended up having to run to work, so. Hi guys! Hi girl! I'm a boy. So John, how are you? Okay.
Well, anyway, no, no, I'm sorry, John, did you not hear what I said just now? Oh, I'm sorry Sarah, hi mommy's friends. Caitlin, why don't you just like let him answer for himself for once? He's a baby, he can't speak.
When did you become this girl Caitlin? When did you become this girl who makes excuses for boys?
We hate him. Okay, I'm sorry. I just said it, but now it's out there. You hate my baby? For you. We hate him for you. Yelling. John, no one in here is yelling. How dare you mansplain! You are so toxic John, I'm sorry Caitlin. Your baby's toxic. That's just how I feel. How dare you.
This is not the time or the place, we're at an event. I wasn't going to say anything, but the other night when we were at your house, John touched my breast. My breast Caitlin, and don't you dare lie to her John. My friend deserves better than that. How dare you talk to John that way, like he understands words.
You're all being toxic. You're all toxic. Oh, we are not toxic. He's toxic, your baby is toxic.
Oh really? At least he doesn't interrupt people when they're telling stories. Is that a dig at my colicky adoptive child Gregor?
You're disgusting. You're disgusting!
Stop! We need to calm down.
Girls. I'm a boy. We can't let guys come between us. Babies, they grow up and go to kindergarten, but girlfriends are forever. I'm a boy though.
Look, you guys don't see what he's like when it's just me and him, he's actually really sensitive. Maybe he's not Mr. Right, but he is Mr. Right now, and that's okay. We trust you Chica. Just be careful with his head, I mean, because of that soft spot babies have until two to four months. And remember to support his neck, which reminds me, I'm going to be getting back together with Marcus. When I was Marcus, you were a toddler who could never remember her names, or the eight month old he was like very social climbing. He was my husband of two years. |
cracked | 6_jobs_it_s_shockingly_fun_to_watch_people_be_awesome_at_the_spit_take | Oh, hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien. I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and if you guessed that Christmas tree harvesting involved helicopters doing wind sprints, congratulations on being the maniac with a death wish flying this helicopter. I'd compliment the absolute precision and skill that must take, but anything that recklessly awesome is usually the work of someone with a six-pack riding on it. If I had to guess, the guy in the truck said he couldn't beat last year's Time or something. Six-pack of cores, and he's probably shouting, Woo doggy, right around there.
Today we're reviewing skilled professionals whose skills are just a means to the end of doing something so awesome. It transcends the bounds of job descriptions and self-preservation. Hell, sometimes the job descriptions get in the way.
For instance, an ice cream man's job is to sell you ice cream. An ice cream's job is to not encounter enough ambient facial hair and pocket litter that it qualifies as a McFlurry under the tax code. This profession asks the question, how awesome would it be if your uncle the plumber served ice cream as choreographed by Michael Jackson and Usher? But they're so skilled at f***ing with our customers, you start to feel like our ice cream culture is the weird one.
What with our disposable paper caps and surgical gloves and cones wrapped in paper. With these guys, those cone wrappers, just an excuse to play a little one-card monty until you open yourself up for a little ice cream jab to the face. Oh, extra toppings? No, I'll stick with the confusing number of people's DNA and clothing fibers you've got caked on there.
Wait, are cobras the prisoner or bitches of the animal kingdom? Because that guy's tossing them around like, whoop, no look past, you're adorable cobras. It's not just that he's doing his job recklessly. I legitimately don't think anyone who watches this video should be trusted around cobras until they see like 30 videos of people getting bit on the face. He's wearing flip-flops, cobras. If you don't do something, word's going to get around that you're punks, which I guess isn't such a problem when you live in a pit of angry cobras. If you're having trouble fearing cobras like a rational human being after that clip, well, your instinct for survival is about to get a whole lot death wishier. Because this motherfucker here is just rooting through a pile of angry cobras like a bin of discount Reeboks at a Payless shoes, just looking for one cobra that won't bitterly disappoint him with its utter cowardice.
He spent the first half of this video wearing that he doesn't see that big yellow motherfucker up top bobbing and weaving like a prizefighter, just waiting to unhinge his skull and go full face sucker. Turns out, that was less of a boxer waiting to strike and more of a, ooh ooh ooh, pick me, I wanna be a star. Part of me wants to start a slow clap for that guy, and part of me is worried what he and the Aryan Brotherhood are about to do to them in the laundry closet.
Hey, that's three prison rape references in a single segment. That's a new record, you guys. Being lowered down the side of a New York skyscraper in one of those single-rung rope ladders has always struck me as less terrible job than existential nightmare escaped from a Kafka novel. You're up there shaking like a tambourine from one window to the next, the row of windows you just cleared, sooting over faster than Homer Simpson's Five O'Clock Shadow.
This guy saw that job and was like, no way, I mean, who wants to bother with all that cumbersome safety equipment? That can't be as dangerous as it looks, right? Actually, dangerous, sir.
Apparently, the best of the best Oliver Twist style chimney sweeps grew up to make the pros at risking their lives for not even close to enough money. And in a special chimney edition of The Spit Take, the world is apparently full of giant chimneys that need chopping down. So what if they sometimes tip in the opposite direction? Now, obviously, there are ways to fell a structure like this without pulverizing 45 bowling alleys of real estate. Only 9-11 conspiracy theorists and old-timey lumberjacks don't know that's the best way to drop a building, but there's something awesome about seeing a building just gently start to tip like a giant pine made of f***ing concrete. Same reason this giant pine made of pine tree wouldn't have been nearly as awesome to fell one chunk at a time.
Worth it. Race car drivers get a lot of credit for having an awesome job. That's because they drive a car around at reckless speeds wrapped in 4,000 pounds of safety cage and flammable rocket fuel. But you know who the real badass is? This guy. Who just sidesteps a speeding out-of-control car like a skilled matador in Oshkosh Pagosh and then turns around and takes a photo like, oh, oh, look at that. Why do they always look about as athletic as your standard Ultimate Frisbee player? Well, it's probably all worth it for the compelling photographs of race cars I have never seen once in my life.
Someone should tell these people about nature of photography or other sports or just like anything else that can be photographed without randomly trying to turn you into white guy jelly. Hey, thanks for watching The Spit Take. If you want to tell me why these jobs aren't awesome, do it in the comments. If you liked the show, subscribe. There's probably a button on here that does that. You know how YouTube works. Do it. |
CrackerMilk | we_make_your_ideas_again | This is spin that wheel welcome back to spin that wheel the show where we make things You want your ideas? We make your ideas you sent us ideas. We put them on the wheel and we're gonna do them. Yeah And where do we find this content well, this is on our patreon yeah And this podcast is now available across multiple streaming platforms including Spotify.
Sorry. I didn't put the other ones up for a couple of months I forgot idiot spin the wheel spin the wheel The boys are at a sketchy bar with Liam Neeson to Scotch whiskers.
Hello, man. How are you? What? How are you mate?
Yeah, I'm a girl. I thought you were Liam Neeson. No, I'm busy blood. I've got a big cot Need to move back from my microphone Have you been working here for a long time? I Hey, hey, it's me Liam Neeson Yeah What's going on?
Oh, well, I'm just here to get a drink Funny running into you and Bessie. Yeah, that's fucking today. Did you take my drink? Yeah To Scotch whiskers, that's what they took. I saw that you took my drink. Yeah. Hey, okay, you would say shut up You would say my drink has been taken As I was that I'm an alcoholic so I have three Successful action films listed under that name and you think it's appropriate to take my drink You might as well have kidnapped my daughter and put it into the sex trade within Eastern Europe. You fucking dog Disgusting you're disgusting. Look, I just thought it would have been a funny funny prank Because you know you are from the movie taken so I was like, oh, you know Funny if it's about just like take this drink in there listen here if you ever take something from me again, I Will fucking skin you and I'll wear you as a coat when I play Qui-Gon Jinn in the next Star Wars film Do you understand?
You don't touch my shit and if I find out you touched my Oscar from Schindler's List Excuse me, Leon, they said did you touch my Oscar from Schindler's List? Did you touch my Oscar?
We're going to spend that will Welcome back to prank patrol That's right, which ABC and it's 2008. My name's Stanny Stan and I'm here to prank you man We got a little Tim here Yeah, I don't know. I never seen prank patrol team No, I good first time on the show. Yeah, are you gonna prank me? No, no No, we're gonna work together with you to prank your name.
Here's your name Yeah My nan the most likes sipping on cups of Hot warm milk So we could Instead of warm milk. Yeah, we could put like a large knife in a cup and cut a throat Yeah, what you're suggesting is putting knives in your Nan's cup, yeah To kill her or small juice is a prank. I'm really good at pranks So if we put like or maybe like a whoopee cushion, but instead of a whoopee cushion We have a knife that she sits on the cuts her.
Okay. Well, you have me a whoopee cushion us I heard that I was thinking that's a good prank. I am excited to go out. That's good enough. That's good for prank patrol What then you said the knife knives in her ass? Yeah. Now that's why drew issue. Ah, right Yeah, what about um, we tell her she's won a flight to Hawaii And she gets on the plane and then we get a knife and we cut her up Oh, you know what? That sounds really good because I'm sick of your name interrupting your jokes I can't hear anything. Shall we spin that wheel?
Yeah Running for president. We have two presidential Candidates today. We have Thomas Griffiths and Elias de wedger and they're gonna have a debate on some hot topics today The first one being the refugee crisis Tom.
Would you like to start? Yeah Yeah, I'd love to start big-time pal.
So, uh, what we got here is we got a few individuals people families coming in and they're they're swimming here somehow and What what what that tells me what that gives me is fear I'm scared of the people that can swim across an entire ocean and still have the strength to steal our jobs, yeah, very good and and Elias what's your what's your key point here that you would like to my solution to that is I think we just Create a fence like a borderline fence around the perimeter of the country So when they swim here, they're actually like caught on the fence and they can't get over the fence So they end up drowning and then going back. May I suggest a counterpoint? Of course So what you're suggesting is a fence. Yes big wall, perhaps Now how is that going to stop super humans who could swim all the way here well and then steal a job Well, they can't get through the fence. They will simply climb the fence as they have simply swam the entire Atlantic Ocean does Do you think they have hands or do you think they have fins and if people that have fins can't climb? My god you're good now, this is what's interesting is both people you got you guys have both massive followings you for your Extensive research and years at college studying super humans who can swim and then they steal steal our job Refugenics. Yeah, Refugenics and and You and your obsession with merpeople has truly been groundbreaking work now.
I want to bring up another issue that's just as serious and that is What are you going to do about the anime body pillow crisis to that I say People don't need comfort people need to be living in fear of these anime body pillows that are able to swim here climb the wall and Take the job. This is the fear. I'm having to is I meant to be impartial But yeah, there is Statistics that show that anime body pillows are taking jobs of sex workers across the country They're taking the jobs at Costco Walmart jobs teachers Teachers jobs and unfortunately my son's principal. Yeah recently There's a lot of sexual recently was an anime pillow a lot of sexual abuse towards anime body pillows and what they're what they're going Through it's it's quite alarming.
I have a question for you. You are Very well researched on anime body pillows. Do you yourself own an anime body pillow, of course? How else would I be doing research extensively? Are you having sex with that pillow? How else do you think? Are you married to you anime body pillow how else do you think that I can? You know be in a loving relationship with someone who cares for me and that comforts me.
You're right a pillow is the only way Let's spin that wheel my god, he's good How long have we been gone for I can see the last one the boys teach sexy dogs All right, you guys are the boys. All right, you ready? All right kids gather around and welcome to sex and I will be your teacher today. Oh There it is Good a mister. Yeah, get a money. Mr. Makanakis. Hey, sir. Yeah, what can all go to the toilet? I'm gonna show you how to put a column on a piece sir. Shut up I'm not even a fucking real teacher I'm not I'm a sex ed teacher. You told me to do To masturbate when we go.
Why have you done that? Oh God I sure yeah Sir yes, you're gonna teach us how to finger a cheek Yeah, that is the actual scientific term but that is that is next week's lesson today We're gonna show you how to put a condom on a banana So the first thing you want to do is you want to open your condom up guys. Let's do that.
Hi, sir Yeah, my dad says you don't need these. Oh your dad.
Yeah. Yeah, my dad's into raw dog How many brothers you have my five how many sisters 11? Yeah. Well, do you want 16 siblings raw dog? Yeah raw dog.
Do I use my teeth to open the condom and then like nice man now put the condom in your mouth And swallow it Are you choking? Sir are you choking? And that's how you put a condom on a cock now, I'm gonna teach you about it Yes question I have a stiffy Usually it takes me about 45 minutes to come and The ladies love it. Oh, you've had sex. Yeah all the time.
How old are you? 13 How many women have you had sex with about 32? How old were they? Probably about 26.
Where are you meeting these women? hot singles in my area Where do you put your penis? What area? Why any orifice that I can reach? What's that? What orifice? What ever tell me?
Well, I've done them all where I've done the ears. I've done the nostrils.
Yeah, well I saw cute. Oh Yeah, it's pretty good, you know, you don't need it's like whatever one time I carved a hole into the girls Yeah, my brother taught me how to like you look To kiss a girl. Yeah. Yeah, we practiced together me and my brother You kissed you you kissed Ben Corby. Yeah on the mouth. Yeah. What was it like? Oh, it's alright I thought you'd know.
I've never kissed a brother before. I don't have a brother You want to practice?
Thanks for watching this episode of spin that wheel If you'd like to contribute ideas to spin that wheel then head over to our patreon and you pay $5 a month Yeah, that's so hot and you also get like a hundred other videos you get so much content on our patreon Are these ideas gonna stay on? Yeah, we'll do them eventually. They'll stay on the wheel See you next time Ah What's your what's your key My solution to that is I think we just Create a fence like a borderline fence around the perimeter of the country So when they swim here, they're actually like caught on the fence and they can't get over the fence So they end up drowning and then going back. May I suggest a counterpoint? Of course, so what you're suggesting is a fence.
Yes big wall, perhaps Now how is that going to stop superhumans who could swim all the way here well and then steal a job Well, they can't get through the fence. They will simply climb the fence as they have simply swam the entire Atlantic Ocean Do you think they have hands or do you think they have fins and if people that have fins can't climb My god, you're good now, this is what's interesting is both people you got you guys have both massive followings you for your Extensive research and years at college studying superhumans who can swim and then they steal steal our job Refugenics. Yeah, Refugenics and and You and your obsession with merpeople has truly been groundbreaking work now.
I want to bring up another issue that's just as serious and that is What are you going to do about the anime body pillow crisis to that I say People don't need comfort people need to be living in fear of these anime body pillows that are able to swim here climb the wall and Take the job. This is the fear. I'm having to is I'm meant to be impartial But yeah, there is Statistics that show that anime body pillows are taking jobs of sex workers across the country They're taking the jobs at Costco Walmart jobs teachers Teachers jobs and unfortunately my son's principal. Yeah recently There's a lot of sexual recently was an anime pillow a lot of sexual abuse towards anime body pillows And what they're what what they're going through. It's it's quite alarming.
I have a question for you. You are Very well researched on anime body pillows. Do you yourself own an anime body pillow, of course? How else would I be doing research? Exensively, are you having sex with that pillow? How else do you think I can get this? Are you married to you anime body pillow? How else do you think that I can? You know be in a loving relationship with someone who cares for me and that comforts me.
You're right a pillow is the only way Let's spin that wheel my god, he's good How long we've been gone for I can see the last one the boys teach sex it does All right, you guys are the boys. All right, you ready? All right kids gather around and welcome to sex and I will be your teacher today.
Oh There it is G'day, mister. Yeah. G'day. My name is Mr. Makanakis. Hey, sir.
Yeah, what can I go to the toilet? I'm gonna show you how to put a condom on a piece. Shut up I'm not even a fucking real teacher I'm not I'm a sex ed teacher. You told me to do To masturbate when we go.
I'll take your banana. Take your banana. You sir. Take your banana. Get your condom Get your condom Can use mine already what your banana or the condom condom? Yeah, you've eaten the condom and you've put the banana up your ass Why have you done that? Oh God, I sure yeah Sir yes, you're gonna teach us how to finger a cheek Yeah, that is the actual scientific term but that is that is next week's lesson today We're gonna show you how to put a condom on a banana So the first thing you want to do is you want to open your condom up guys.
Let's do that. Hi, sir Yeah, yeah, my dad says you don't need these. Oh your dad.
Yeah. Yeah, my dad's into raw dog How many brothers you have my five how many sisters 11? Yeah. Well, do you want 16 siblings raw dog? Yeah raw dog.
Do I use my teeth to open the condom and then like rip nice man now put the condom in your mouth And swallow it Are you choking? Sir are you choking? And that's how you put a condom on a cock now, I'm gonna teach you about it Yes question, I have a stiffy Usually it takes me about 45 minutes to come and The ladies love it. Oh, you've had sex. Yeah all the time.
How old are you? 13 How many women have you had sex with about 32? How old were they? Probably about 26.
Where are you meeting these women? hot singles in my area Where do you put your penis? What area? Why any orifice that I can reach? What's that? What orifice what ever tell me?
Well, I've done them all where I've done They is I've done the nostrils. Yeah. Well, I've done the eye eye socket Yeah, it's pretty good, you know, you don't need it's like whatever one time I carved a hole into the girls Belly button Yeah, my brother taught me how to like you To kiss a girl. Yeah. Yeah, we practiced together me and my brother You kissed you you kissed Ben Corby. Yeah on the mouth. Yeah I Thought you'd know Brother Your practice yeah, thanks for watching this episode of spin that If you'd like to contribute ideas to spin that wheel then head over to our patreon and you pay $5 month maybe more Yeah, that's so hot and you also get like a hundred other videos you get so much content on our patreon These ideas gonna stay on yeah, we'll do them eventually they'll stay on the wheel See you next time |
cracked | the_muppets_did_9_11 | Hiya kids today's video is brought to you by the numbers 9 and 11 as in The Muppets have raised generation after generation with their TV antics and beloved films one You might remember is a very merry Muppet Christmas movie Which features a scene where Kermit the Frog is visited by an angel and wishes that he was never born This poofs the frog into an alternate reality where he never existed and his friends are much worse off The icing being a visit to Miss Piggy who without Kermit has devolved into a crazy cat lady Hey, look at that. It's the World Trade Center. Hey wait Well, that's strange So in the universe where Kermit was never born the World Trade Center would still exist in 2002 But we're not implying that the Muppets somehow caused 9-11 are we? That's exactly what we're implying. Think about it Burt showed up in a probe bin Laden protest in Bangladesh a mere month after 9-11 We laughed it off like it was fucking baby cake. But what if they were telling us something? What if they've always been trying to tell us something? The Muppets have had their pilly felt hands in countless national disasters that I will now count Elmo and Saddam Elmo and the Unabomber Big Bird and the fucking Challenger explosion kids 9-11 was a Muppet caper. We should be ashamed of ourselves But now we have the proof our hands are up their asses and we are bawling our fists What do you need to calm down? You need to calm down You want to know what the rainbow connection is Quote and God said I do set my bow as in rainbow in the cloud And it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. That's from Genesis 9 11 read between the fucking lines Hey, thanks for watching that video. If you want to subscribe, please hit the big C in the middle If you want to watch another video Please click one of the links on the right and if you want to get notifications from YouTube every time you have a new video Click the little bell icon and they will send you a notification every time you put up a new one |
dropout | the_crucial_man_suit_basics | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. What's up internet? I'm John Gabers, and I'm here to teach you all the crucial information you need to become a man. Because being a boy is not cool. Today we're talking about suits and how to formalize in style. Welcome to Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
Okay, I know what you're thinking, yes, my mom bought me this suit in 1999. But if you guys are anything like me, you're still wearing the same suit for the last 10 years to every single function, and maybe you spice it up with a fish tie or something like that. Real cool, man. Lucky for us, we have a professional who's going to show us how to dress up like a grown up. I'm here with Alex Wilcox from Lord Willy's. What do you guys do there? We make men's clothing. Oh, what an interesting segue into this suit that was clearly not made for me. This is what I wear to funerals, weddings, job interviews, you know, spy missions. Yeah, there's a couple of things.
Firstly, just as a little tip for you, the last button, you never button that. Never button that.
Why did they put it on there then? I don't know why either.
Yeah, and I feel like, you know, like MC Hammer or one of the boss tones. Those are hammer pants. These are hammer pants.
Your rise should probably... My what? It's called your rise. This is my rise?
It should sit really about an inch and a half down from your role, fella. An inch and a half down? Yes. Well, that's, God, no, that's like 14 inches away. Is there a different suit I should wear to, like, a funeral and a wedding are clearly very different? Actually, some would argue they're pretty similar. No, not really.
I've been married for 12 years. Have you been dead for 12 years?
Exactly. Yeah. With your first suit, if you're going to get a, you know, this one has to be a workhorse, has to work for many, many things. A lighter gray suit will allow the other colors to breathe. What do you think, gray? I found it.
Much better. Much better?
Sleeves are looking good. This is about the half inch that you want to be aiming for. You know, you don't really need to keep with the monochromatic sort of level. Pale blue shirt or a lilac shirt or definitely something with a pattern. I want one of these. I want to be... So this is called a pocket square. So the kind of thing you could do, again, you'll see... Those are the ones I can't see. There's boogers all over this thing. So if you just keep it nice and simple, it kind of shows that you're not afraid to sort of, you know, play with color a little bit.
Finishing up, what is the crucial information a guy needs to know when buying a suit? You should feel fabulous when you put it on. And I feel fabulous now. You look good. Thank you. You look fantastic yourself.
I know that. Thank you very much Alex. Absolutely. Alex Wilcox, guys. Thank you. That's no big deal. Wow, Gabrielle's looking pretty good. Big improvement from your mom's suit. Yep. That's because I got my sleeves coming down to my wrist bone, bottom button undone. The rise is snug, but most importantly of all, I feel fabulous. Goodbye everybody. I feel fabulous. You've been watching The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Yeah. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_first_cannibal_astronaut | Breaking news! The Harbinger 1 spacecraft from humanity's first Mars expedition just crash-landed in suburban Florida. This is the same mission that launched four brave astronauts over two years ago. All communications with the crew had ceased following a report of a food shortage emergency on their way home. We now go live to Chunce Watney in the field. Chunce? Thank you, Stan. I'm here at the scene of the crash where NASA agents have recovered the capsule and have begun rescue efforts.
Now it's important to remember these astronauts have gone days without eating, so at this point their bodies must be emaciated. Some viewers may find what is about to be shown truly disturbing.
Help me! I'm stuck!
Ahh!
Here's the surviving astronaut of the horrific crash, Brunch Williams. Now Brunch, the American public was shocked to hear of the food shortage during the mission.
Can you tell us what happened? I have no idea. Just disappeared so fast, you know? I don't know where it all went. Well, I've just heard report that no trace of the other three astronauts were found aboard the capsule.
Care to comment? What? That's weird. I could have sworn they were right behind me. Oh! You know what? I think they wanted to stay, actually. In space? You know what?
I hate to say it. I hate to say it, but they're dead. Oh my god, I'm sorry. How did they die? They were eaten.
You know what? It's actually like a really boring story. I don't really want to talk about it.
Is it hot out here? It feels really hot. Is it just me? Brunch? Where did you get that other space suit? I can't hear you. It's just too hot.
Now, Brunch, and forgive me when I say this, did you eat those astronauts? What? No? Hold on. Is this a comment about my weight? Oh no, I would never. It just really seems like you gobbled up some spaceman. It's called space weight, okay? Eat a book. Don't you mean read a book? What? Brunch, before we wrap up, is there anything you'd like to say to the viewers at home? Uh, yeah.
I would just like to make it clear that I would never eat another human being. I would never- I'm sorry.
It appears that we are receiving a delayed transmission sent from the expedition just before communications went dark. We don't gotta play that. There's no need.
I'm pretty sure we all have a good idea of a general idea of what happened. Please play the clip. I had to do it. It was a survival situation. I was scared.
Really? Because agents found several of these rations jammed into the waste disposal. What, those? Gross. Those are grape flavored. I would rather eat- A person. You know what?
You have no proof. You have no evidence.
I've been to Mars, bitch. Where you been? I'll see you in court. Chuntz, what's happening over there? Has Brunch fled the scene?
Actually, Stan, no. He didn't make it very far. Eh. You tired? Yeah. Because you're fat? Yeah. Because of all the people you ate? Yeah. Well, you heard it here first, folks.
Another case of cosmic cannibalism across- He's eating me! This video was sponsored by Nick. Not kidding. Literally a guy named Nick sponsored this video. Go check out his Twitter at zelubest for some sweet gaming dev content. Thank you, Nick.
On to the bloopers. He farting. This just in, I shit my pants.
Can you tell us a little bit about what happened? Just a little bit about giving me a bitty penis? Alright, ready? |
dropout | yay_or_nay_is_north_korea_awesome | Personally, I'm a big fan of North Korea. I think their nuclear weapons will be the impetus that finally pushes us into making terminators. I want the terminator.
Ha ha ha. Woo!
I like the simplicity of the North Korean military uniform. I'd love to not have to worry about what I wear every morning. I love how many medals they make their officers wear. You know, when you're running out of space on the front of your pants to pin medals to, either your medals don't mean anything or your generals are just too tiny.
All the lights go out in the entire country at the same time every night. It's like they have the same bedtime. That's adorable. I'm a big foodie, so I really love that they're into goulash.
Sorry. Oh, uh, gulags. Gulags.
I don't know what those are. Are those, I'm sure they're delicious.
Why is North Korea bullying people? I should be bullying them. Kim Jong Un's the chubby little tub tub. It's like America's this jacked quarterback who befriended the South Korean nerd. And now this other nerd North Korea's trying to mess with our nerd. No way. Kim Jong Un is a fun villain. Like, he's two or three years out from trying to fill the sea of Japan with sharks with laser beams on their heads. It's not like Kim Jong Un is Joffrey on Game of Thrones. It's like, ooh, I might attack Guam.
Yeah, well, are you gonna make two prostitutes beat each other to death? No? Then I'm not interested.
Oh, sure, North Korea. We believe you. You've got nukes and missiles and a girlfriend in Canada. North Korea is like the boy who cried wolf. They lie, and they lie, and they lie. And then when they do finally get nukes, no one believes them and, oh my God. The nukes are the problem.
He is hilarious. He's got a stupid haircut. He's got a stupid outfit.
But he's got the nukes. We probably shouldn't have invented nuclear weapons. Oh, North Korea, don't worry if you can't get your missiles launched. It happens to a lot of countries. If we got nuked by North Korea, then I'd have something to talk to people about. I don't watch Game of Thrones, so if we have radiation poisoning, I could be like, oh, I have radiation poisoning too.
How far are you? Good countries, big, strong countries.
Sometimes they just can't get that weapon up. Talking about dicks. I feel like North Korea is like the weird kid masturbating in the back of the class. Everyone wants him to stop what he's doing, but no one wants to touch him.
You guys notice that the Kims are kind of devolving? Like the grandfather, Kim Il-sung, is a pretty normal looking dude. Kim Jong-il, you know, little fatter, weird hair. And then Kim Jong-un kind of just looks like if a potato laid eggs. The weirdest thing about North Korea, and I'm not making this up, is that in order to talk to North Korea from South Korea, there is a single telephone right at the border that you have to use. It's like the bat phone, except when you pick it up, instead of talking to Batman, you have to talk to Kim Jong-un. The most insidiously brilliant thing about North Korea is that they've set it up so that no matter what horrible shit they do, we all find it hilarious. Like starvation, wholesale murder, nuclear war.
We're just like, oh, you guys, you're just funny. Ooh. I'm on the nay side. Who's yay? What do you think about people who said yay in North Korea? I think they're traitors.
I get it, it's fun. In a weird dark way. I'll tell you what, as comedy writers, I'm glad it's there, you know? The best comedy comes when the world is at its worst. Buster Keaton. |
cracked | how_batman_v_superman_failed_on_every_level_cracked_responds | Batman vs Superman, Dawn of Justice, let's talk about it. I do not like hating things and I was like jumping mad about this movie. Here's the next 11,000 problems I have with this movie. Bruce Wayne sees Flying Alien destroy a building and immediately starts an 18 month plan to murder him. It just seems like a Mean Girl move to me that's just like, who the f*** is that? The greatest gladiator match in the history of the world. I wanted to do the broad strokes with such a fundamental understanding of why a Batman vs Superman movie would be good. Because that moral question where I hate crime and I'm this alien who's magic and all-powerful. Those two forces coming against each other and like arguing is really, really interesting to me and something that we haven't done in a movie yet. And instead Zack Snyder took the action figures and slammed them together until one of them was like, did you say Martha, Martha's my mom.
This movie has flashbacks. This movie also has dream sequences. This movie also has dream sequences which are actually visions that have been induced by another character. That take place within flashbacks.
None of all three of these stupid structural things feel good.
Lex Luthor doesn't know that Clark had a Superman at this point or that Bruce Wayne is Batman. So he has this party and he's like, Bruce Wayne meets Clark Kent.
I love it. I love bringing people together.
And he's so excited they get to meet, f***ing why. Billionaire Bruce Wayne and junior reporter from Kansas, Clark Kent, why are you so excited to put these two together? Why is Clark Kent at this party? Why do you say, ooh don't pick a fight with this guy?
No, because we know. Because we know? Because we know. It's the same reason Bruce Wayne and Wonder Woman speak to each other like spies.
At the other party. Or I guess it's the same party. There's a lot of parties there. There's five dream sequences and two funerals and two parties.
She with you? I thought she was with you. Batman, she's with you. Yeah.
You emailed her. Like there's a whole thing about him contacting her. And she shows up and is like, who's this woman? That's gotta be so awkward for her too. She's like, wait, why is he denying knowing me?
Why? I came here. I thought he wanted my help. Oh my god, this is horrible. So nervous. I came so far. Rude.
They never let Superman be Superman in this movie, which kind of makes me sad. He acts more like Batman. He's like all scowling and he's angry. He threatens to kill Lex Luthor. Like just instantly. Even though like, he's like, I've kidnapped your mother. Like Superman could have solved that problem by going like the Hulk Hogan.
He thinks he's about the law. At this point in his career, Bruce Wayne doesn't give a fig about anything. He's just killing people. He's driving the Batmobile over people.
Branding irons. Yeah, he's branding people like a f***ing lunatic. Batman in this universe brands criminals and they're like, they say that's a death sentence. So when you go to jail, they get killed by other criminals. That I fundamentally don't understand. When I see someone with a Bat brand, I'd be like, ah man, Batman sucks, right? Isn't it terrible how he makes us stop doing crimes? Does Batman only brand sex traffickers or does he brand all of his criminals? That's not clear because nothing is clear. He knows now if I brand someone, then everyone in prison will kill them.
There had to be the first one where he didn't know that.
And we're just like, this is really cool. Batman themes on. This is what I do now. As I sat there and thought, I'm like, wow, it's weird that Batman's killing people. But then I thought about it. That's like ground that every movie of Batman, it's like weirdly has a huge problem conveying.
Even in the Nolan movies where he's like, you can't kill anybody. He ends up murdering somebody at the end of the movie. He shoots Talia.
He shoves Harvey Dent off a building. He burns down Liam Miesen's house and then leaves him in a falling train. He's like flying away. Murder is wrong as he's leaving Liam Miesen in his train. He straps a bomb to a guy and Batman returns.
And in Batman Forever, he's like, the whole movie is like, no Robin, you can't kill Two-Face. And he kills Two-Face the first chance he gets. He's like, I killed Two-Face. You killed Two-Face.
He does not like the destruction of buildings. He does not like people running around having things happen. And then the entire punishing ending of the movie is just buildings collapsing as Batman's like, ah, here I am with my gun.
Awesome. They're about to fight and they're standing in front of each other.
And Superman just wants help saving his mother. And he doesn't really get to that point. Superman goes electric. No, I'm going to try to convince him to help me. He's going to help me. He gets there.
The second Batman hits him, he's like, fuck this guy. And then Batman's like, no, I'm going to fight you. And then Superman's like, no, wait.
Don't fight me. As he's like walking menacingly towards him and he gets in his face as if that's not threatening. You don't want to fight him. Just fly up. Keep away from him and tell him.
It seems like there was just a lack of communication just in general. Yeah. Flashback of Bruce Wayne's parents. Done. We've seen it a thousand times already.
But they show it specifically entirely so there can be a point later in the movie where Batman starts to like Superman because both their moms are named Martha. Batman's going to be like, Martha! Why am I named Martha? Mine is Martha. I have a lot of people I know with the same name as my mom and that does not mean we're friends. They make it clear that that's like his dad's last word is Martha.
So like maybe as he's like about to stab Superman with his trident and Superman's like, no, you've got to save Martha. He's like, can this alien read my mind? He would have so much more bonding opportunities if Superman was like, it's fine, kill me.
Both of my parents are dead.
Then if I'm Batman, I'm like, oh my god, so you get it. You know what it's like. Yeah. We are peers in this.
The Martha connection is not a connection. It's like 30 hours and 30 minutes go by and Superman also says Martha.
And Batman is like, let's go be the Justice League. I totally am. It's going to be rad to see like a Ben Affleck Batman movie and an Aquaman movie where there's going to be sea monsters in it and like a Wonder Woman movie. It's going to be pretty sweet. And none of them are going to be directed by Zack Snyder, you guys.
I'm very sorry about this. I'm very sorry. It's I'm sorry. It's just like, but I'm sorry. |
dropout | Jimmy_Wong_Goes_Deep_on_Magic_The_Gathering_Um_Actually | This is a fan-submitted question. This comes to us from The Travelog. Thank you, The Travelog, for submitting this statement.
Magic the Gathering sets take place in various fictional fantasy settings presented as planes of existence in a multiverse. Sets have been themed after cyberpunk Japanese folklore, dinosaurs, vampires on an Aztec-inspired island, and a world of gangster demons, among others.
Yes, Beth? Actually, there's only one universe run by the G.O.D., my man, God. This whole game is blasphemy, and to pretend otherwise is heresy and foolishness. That's not the answer we're looking for, no. Come on, Jimmy, answer it. Okay, there's a lot here that could be wrong. There is. Actually- You've described the game very well.
Okay, so one, cyberpunk Japanese folklore is not necessarily what Kamigawa in the Yan Dynasty was themed after. So technically, Kamigawa is a Japanese-inspired set, but the set itself for the future became cyberpunk-themed, but it was not themed after cyberpunk Japanese folklore.
That doesn't exist, right? Fuck yes. Dinosaurs, I think that's fine.
Vampires on an Aztec-inspired island? I don't know if technically Ixalan is an island. And then when they say world of gangster demons, that refers to the most recent set, but the world is filled with many more things than just gangster demons. So there's a lot of things that could be wrong here.
I'm inclined to maybe just give you the point. Oh, oh, okay, okay.
So Magic the Gathering, way back in the day when Richard Garfield first made the game, he decided to make a set called Arabian Nights, which his idea was, we're gonna take Magic the Gathering and put it into different historical fantasy settings that are based on real things. So Arabian Nights was one of the original, original things, and then they very quickly moved away from it because there's a lot of appropriation that can happen in bad ways. And so now the sets are themed loosely around these worlds and they bring in cultural consultants, yada, yada, yada. Yeah, that's not exactly what we're looking for, but I was gonna say, if anyone says Arabian Nights, I would count it.
So we'll go ahead and we'll give you the point, Jimmy. There's so much nuance in this question now.
What I was looking for was Portal Three Kingdoms. Oh, P3K, yeah, so another incredible set. They had Chinese artists do all the art through all of it and they basically based all the characters on real characters from Chinese history. So like Romance of the Three Kingdoms and all that stuff. They have real names like Sun Quan and Xiao Hou Dun. All of these people are real people in Chinese history that they put into the set and they never did that again. It's so interesting to have a whole set that has like just like real historical figures in there because like to imagine being like, cool, I've got like, you know, a chub toad and George Washington.
What do you mean you summoned George Washington? What the fuck are you talking about?
Yep, well, Magic Now you can play and you can be like, all right, I'm gonna play Eleven from Stranger Things followed up by, I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding, followed up by Carl from The Walking Dead or whatever. I'm serious, you can play all these cards together. But can you do Big Head mode? Yeah, you can. You should be able to though. Wouldn't it be dope if you got like, Flo from Progressive and Jake from State Farm?
It's just like, yo, I play the Geico Gecko dude. Geico Gecko's toughness is off the charts. It's like, yay, he keeps you protected.
Busted thing. Honestly, that's my complaint is that they're not selling a hearted nut.
I want Ronald McDonald to go head to head with, you know what I mean? Like just every single- A Hamburglar. Just like fully theocracy. Hamburglar, you can steal their mana dude because hamburgers are, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just love for all of these is when they try to like figure out the game mechanic that like describes the character, you know?
We understand who Mayor McCheese is as a character. So what kind of abilities would Mayor McCheese have? Is he a red, Mayor McCheese blue, maybe red?
Like tight hamburger creature. And you're like, what the fuck is this? Jimmy, we're going to give you the point for that. I'm sweating, man. I don't know how to get that out. That was the sweatiest answer ever, dude. There was just so much in there that, the word fictional, I guess was- Yes, the real key is the word fictional. A trap card. |
dropout | julie_bender_mall_employee | Um, yeah, I can't find any blue lipstick, um, is this for your girlfriend? No, it's for me.
Yeah, oh for sure, yeah. I'm in a goth band. Well, yeah, it's, um, it's great to have a band. Are you in a band? Yeah, yeah. I mean, not personally, but, um, I love bands, they're definitely on my top five list of things I think about when I hear music. Right. Yeah, yeah.
Are you looking for earrings for your girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend.
Yeah. I like labels. Yeah, yeah, labels, who needs them, you know, tear them off, throw them away, who cares what size the shirt is, live a little, you know, throw it on, maybe it's a medium, maybe it's an extra large, you'll have extra room. I like these cat ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, those are great.
Sometimes I bring a cat on stage during my shows. Yeah, I love cats. I hold it up in front of the audience and then I slit its throat. Yeah, yeah, sometimes it's important to show cats who's boss. Then I drink its blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't want to be wasteful, Inuit philosophy, use all parts of the kill. And then I throw its carcass away. Yeah, sometimes wastefulness is appropriate, you don't want to be too Inuit, they can overdo things. A hundred words for snow, that's way too many, you know, eight is probably sufficient. I generally stick to just one, you know, snow, they'll stop.
Right. Yeah. Well, I have to go now. Right, wait, I'm, um, you want to like, um, maybe have date. Sometimes, um, yeah. Yeah.
Well, if you kill this guy. Give me a knife. |
TheOnion | Piece_Of_Sh_t_From_Nearby_Town_Marries_Bitch_From_High_School | From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. So much goddamn news happening today that we simply don't have a moment to waste. Here are today's top stories.
After widespread infections throughout the White House, many members of President Trump's inner circle are now being tested for coronavirus, including President Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani, who has reportedly tested positive for several dozen obscure bat diseases, none of which are actually related to COVID-19. Giuliani's physician confirmed this morning that in addition to several commonly transmittable diseases like rabies and histoplasmosis, Giuliani also tested positive for vesperatiloma, a long-irradicated form of bat cancer that hasn't been seen since 1903, as well as several viruses that can only be transmitted sexually between bats. Concerning to say the least.
And after his own bout with COVID-19, President Trump is home from the hospital and already back to work. In fact, just yesterday, he declared himself, quote, healthier than ever, as he addressed an excited crowd from his new iron lung on the White House balcony. Trump reportedly seemed to have no trouble speaking or breathing, as his entire respiratory system was functioning solely with the help of the mechanical respirator.
All right, I'll be honest, that's all the news that happened today, but we still have to fill two ad spots. So I'm just going to scroll through my Facebook feed for a minute here and see if I can find anything else. Back in a moment. Oh, shit. What's my password again?
For centuries, man has looked to the stars and wondered, are we alone in the universe? Well, today, that question may have been answered.
Top researchers at NASA held a press conference today to announce that they have recently discovered new evidence that life could exist outside of America. For more on this extraordinary development, I'm joined by OPR science reporter Rebecca Neal. Rebecca, I'd be lying if I said this didn't give me chills. While you're not alone there, Leslie, this is truly monumental. Here's Deputy NASA Administrator Thomas Daines at today's press conference announcing what could be one of the most significant scientific discoveries in the history of our species.
Early data collected already showed that several exocontinents maintained conditions that could support life as we know it. We now know that the atmosphere of Asia is made up mostly of nitrogen and oxygen, just like America. And Hubble telescope images show what appear to be bodies of water-like liquid located on the surface. In fact, scientists are close to determining whether humans could survive there. Wow, sending a man to another continent, I never thought I'd live to see the day. Rebecca, finding another landmass with America-like properties is like finding a needle in a haystack. How did this incredible discovery come about? Well, about five years ago, NASA decided it might be beneficial to turn their telescopes around to face the Earth, just to see what it looked like. That's when these new continents were discovered almost immediately, but Daines says it wasn't until the validity rover, which was launched to Europe in 2018, sent back its findings earlier this year that they realized the significance of the discovery. Here he is again. Our transatlantic rover traveled over 4,600 miles to Calypso 46f, or Africa as it's called among scientists, to study soil samples. While the rover's instruments detected plenty of sand and dust, it also found characteristics within the soil similar to the US, like glass and cigarette butts. This evidence also points to the continents supporting life, as well as the numerous building-like structures dotting the landscape. Absolutely fascinating. Do researchers believe that there could be life forms on these continents already with like weird features and their own language or something?
It's not beyond the realm of possibility, though further exploration will be needed before anything definitive can be set on the matter. Here's Deputy Administrator Daines again, explaining where NASA goes from here. In order to gain further data, NASA will be launching its first crewed mission to Europe to determine if the environment is suitable for human inhabitants, or if we will just be draining the exocontinents of their natural resources. Oh wow, this feels like it's straight out of a science fiction novel. Now Leslie, while it is possible that there's life out there, it's unfortunately not very likely. NASA says that they've already made several attempts to make contact with the continents by sending out short radio bursts, but so far they've only gotten back unintelligible noise like this.
Hello?
Oh god, I just thought it was a dream. Don't trust those bastards, you hear me? They'll abduct you and take you to a faraway place called Amsterdam, where they'll perform all sorts of sick and depraved experiments on your naked body. And sure, maybe you did ask them to, but you didn't know you'd have to pay for it.
Uh, well, yes, Leslie, I'm sure NASA is preparing for the possibility of life, both friendly and unfriendly. Oh, they're friendly, Rebecca. Too friendly.
That's OPR's Rebecca Neal. We'll be back in a moment. And now we have quite a troubling story coming out of Pittsfield, Illinois. At Sherman Farm, a tiny roadside petting zoo just off the highway, there's apparently a kangaroo. We go to OPR's Alan Potts, who has the story.
Thanks for joining us, Alan. Of course, Leslie.
So is this true? They have a kangaroo in rural Illinois? Yeah, I know, right?
It's not ideal, to say the least. You gotta assume the owner acquired it through some pretty sketchy means. I mean, there's no way that a kangaroo should just be sitting in a dirty pen on some random guy's farm. Definitely not. I spoke to Pittsfield resident Kyle Conrad, who was taking his daughter there, and he too was quite concerned about the marsupial. This petting zoo was clearly just slapped together by a guy who realized he already had the materials and could make some extra dough. I mean, it's literally just a bunch of animals surrounded by some two-by-fours and old chicken wire. Oh god, and there's a fucking kangaroo. Yeah, yikes. I mean, I'm no zoologist, but I'm pretty sure a kangaroo isn't supposed to be in the same enclosure as pigs and sheep. Yeah, this is bad. Don't you need a special license for an animal like that? Yeah, there's no way this guy actually has the proper paperwork.
Wow, that is surely cause for alarm. Are the patrons at least enjoying the kangaroo? No, not really. They're all too concerned about it. It hasn't moved since we got here. Shouldn't it at least be hopping or something? It's just lying there. There's no way it's healthy. Wow, yeah, look at it.
Its face is covered in flies and it's really drooling a lot.
That's not reassuring. Oh, for Christ's sake, he's having the kids feed it rabbit pellets. Kangaroos definitely aren't supposed to eat those things. Yeah, wow, the kids are just throwing pellets at him and he's not responding. They're just kind of bouncing off his face. Man, this is grim.
Can I pet him, Daddy? No, sweetie, let's get out of here. Hey, y'all! I'm sorry, we were just on our way out.
Yeesh, that does not sound like a desirable arrangement for any animal. Nonetheless, a wild creature from the Australian outback. Not at all.
I mean, it gets below 10 degrees in Illinois. How is it going to survive the winter?
Well, that is a question for another time, my friend. We gotta go. But hey, give that dingo a fistful of rabbit pellets for me while you're out there. I am not going near that thing.
That's OPR's Alan Potts. Well, folks, you're never going to guess what happened.
You know that piece of shit who lived in the next town over growing up? Yeah, well, he just married that bitch from high school.
Who is this piece of shit exactly? Well, although there are many, the piece of shit we're talking about here is that one fucking dumbass who got blackout drunk and crashed his car into the Denny's after prom.
Right. He also played football in a nearby town. Couldn't tell that by looking at him now, though. He really let himself go. Oh, I believe it.
All those beers had to go somewhere. Now, how did that fat piece of shit end up with that bitch anyway? Well, it appears they ended up reconnecting a little while back in that shithole bar back home.
You know the one where the kids would sneak into because they didn't get carded? It's right next to the alley where that gym coach was busted for trying to buy coke.
Oh yeah, that was crazy. Yeah, not as crazy as when he fucked that junior in the parking lot behind the softball fields. Oh my God. I forgot about that. Yeah, that was nuts.
But anyway, I have it on good authority that the good-for-nothing piece of human garbage and that total bitch got drunk in the shithole bar and hooked up that night. Just listen to this voicemail I was sent by a classmate. Oh my God, you're not going to believe this. So apparently, and you didn't hear it from me, but remember that bitch from high school? Well, she totally slept with that one piece of shit, you know, the one that didn't go to our school but would still come to all the volleyball games even after he was in college.
Yeah, well, they definitely boned and let's just say it's too late for her to get an abortion. Well, not getting an abortion, that doesn't sound like her.
Leslie, you're terrible. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
For real though, she actually wasn't all that bad growing up until she had her personality replaced with that BMW her parents bought her. I swear though, by the time we graduated, she was the biggest bitch in the world.
Wait, Leslie, didn't you used to have a crush on her? Me? No. I thought she was pretty sure and maybe at the time I had a little thing for her, but that was a long time ago.
I don't want anything to do with that bitch. That piece of shit can have her. Okay, if you say so. Alright, so Marcy, do you think these assholes can make it last? Well, personally, I don't think there's a chance in hell it'll last. That piece of shit can't keep his dick in his pants to save his life. Not that I feel bad for her. That annoying bitch will be shacking up with some new sugar daddy in no time like she always is. Oh, so if someone, say, wanted to get with that unbearable bitch, hypothetically, would it be better to swoop in now or after things head south? Like as a sort of support system?
Oh my god, I knew you still had a crush on that bitch! What? I said hypothetically! Oh, the high school group chat is going to fucking scream when I tell them this! Hey, give me that! Remember Creepy Leslie? That weirdo we grew up with? What?
No, don't say that! He's still totally obsessed with that one bitch. Fuck you, Marcy! We'll be right back. Don't take that!
If you received any text messages from that bitch Marcy Hammonds in the last eight minutes, I think you should know that she's drinking again and that whatever she said is nothing more than the slurred ramblings of someone with a serious alcohol problem. And she's probably going to have to go to rehab, so don't believe any of it. Anyway, here's what else you need to know today.
This year's election may see more voters casting their ballots against a candidate rather than in support of one, and that sentiment is even being shared amongst this year's vice presidential hopefuls. In advance of tonight's highly contested vice presidential debate, Kamala Harris today admitted that she really only supports Biden because she hates Trump. Senator Harris did note, however, that even though Biden is, quote, far from her first choice, she'd still be willing to suck it up and vote for him just so she doesn't have to vote for the other guy.
And Elon Musk has done it again today as Tesla has introduced their new line of all-electric lamps. What will they think of next?
And finally, if you recycle regularly, you may have a big shipment headed your way soon. The EPA announced today they plan to return the nearly 600 million pounds of recycled materials that haven't been properly washed out back to households across the nation. Tough break, folks. That's why I always just dump my empty milk cartons straight into the creek that feeds into my city's water supply and avoid the hassle of recycling altogether.
And that's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. The news doesn't stop just because we're grasping at straws to fill a segment, so be sure to visit TheOnion.com for more on all the day's top stories. And if that's still not enough news for you, you can sign up to become a member of The Topical's Patreon. We have an all-new Mail Sack segment dropping this Friday available exclusively to our Patreon members, so sign up now. And if you'd like to ask a question about the news or the show, you can submit it on social media using the hashtag, Leslie's Mail Sack.
And don't forget to tune into tomorrow's episode, where we'll have the story of one heroic cat who single-handedly saved an entire local fire department that was stuck in a tree. You won't want to miss it. We'll see you tomorrow.
Wait, Leslie, didn't you used to have a crush on her? Me? No! She's pretty, sure, and maybe at the time I had a little thing for her, but that was a long time ago.
I don't want anything to do with that bitch. That piece of shit can have her. Okay, if you say so. All right, so Marcy, do you think these assholes can make it last? Well, personally, I don't think there's a chance in hell it'll last. That piece of shit can't keep his dick in his pants to save his life, not that I feel bad for her. That annoying bitch will be shacking up with some new sugar daddy in no time like she always is. So if someone, say, wanted to get with that unbearable bitch, hypothetically, would it be better to swoop in now or after things head south? Like as a sort of support system?
Oh my god, I knew you still had a crush on that bitch! What? No! I said hypothetically! Oh, the high school group chat is gonna fucking scream when I tell them this. Hey, give me that! Remember creepy Leslie? That weirdo we grew up with? What? Don't say that! I'm totally obsessed with that one bitch! Fuck you, Marcy!
We'll be right back.
If you received any text messages from that bitch Marcy Hammonds in the last eight minutes, I think you should know that she's drinking again and that whatever she said is nothing more than the slurred ramblings of someone with a serious alcohol problem. And she's probably going to have to go to rehab, so don't believe any of it. Anyway, here's what else you need to know today.
This year's election may see more voters casting their ballots against a candidate rather than in support of one, and that sentiment is even being shared amongst this year's vice presidential hopefuls. In advance of tonight's highly contested vice presidential debate, Kamala Harris today admitted that she really only supports Biden because she hates Trump. Senator Harris did note, however, that even though Biden is, quote, far from her first choice, she'd still be willing to suck it up and vote for him, just so she doesn't have to vote for the other guy.
Elon Musk has done it again today as Tesla has introduced their new line of all-electric lamps. Hmm, what will they think of next?
And finally, if you recycle regularly, you may have a big shipment headed your way soon. The EPA announced today they plan to return the nearly 600 million pounds of recycled materials that haven't been properly washed out back to households across the nation. Tough break, folks. That's why I always just dump my empty milk carton straight into the creek that feeds into my city's water supply and avoid the hassle of recycling altogether.
And that's the topical for today, I'm Leslie Price. The news doesn't stop just because we're grasping at straws to fill a segment, so be sure to visit TheOnion.com for more on all the day's top stories. And if that's still not enough news for you, you can sign up to become a member of The Topical's Patreon. We have an all-new Mail Sacks segment dropping this Friday available exclusively to our Patreon members, so sign up now. And if you'd like to ask a question about the news or the show, you can submit it on social media using the hashtag, Leslie's Mail Sack.
And don't forget to tune into tomorrow's episode, where we'll have the story of one heroic cat who single-handedly saved an entire local fire department that was stuck in a tree. You won't want to miss it. We'll see you tomorrow. |
dropout | full_benefits_the_break_up | I am so happy things are finally over with, Rachel. I miss this. I miss this, too.
Now hurry up and sex me. We have dinner with Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Summers. I love Patrick.
Wait a minute. Morning, sleepy. You fell asleep watching step by step again. But guess what I got you?
Another teddy bear. He's a teddy bear. I'm a teddy bear. Hangin' in a teddy bear world.
Oh, hey, good. You got my note. So, last night I was watching step by step, and it was the episode where Al gets dumped and goes to the dance with Steve Urkel. Seamless crossover. Oh, totally. So, is that what this is about? No, I just thought you might have seen it. Uh, yeah, I loved it. I knew it. But no, that's not why you're here. I think I have a solution to your problem. Oh, thank God. Where'd you get $20,000 in cash?
I cannot believe I ever learned how to be more specific with you. I'm talking about Rachel. I'm sorry, what? I cannot read lips at all. They said it out loud.
Oh, okay. Hey, uh, not to rush you guys, but we have been in here for like four hours, so whatever. Yeah, sorry, guys. Just one second. Okay.
So, I kind of told the guys you were afraid to break up with Rachel. What? Why would you do that? Now she's going to take away my phone privileges. Yeah, that's why. I don't know. I thought that could help. Josh is broken up with like 60 women. Ew.
Just hear them out. So, who wants to go first? Alright, here's my advice. Cry. A lot. Be assertive. Don't ever back down from a fight.
Keep it light, keep it funny, okay? I usually use topical humor. What I usually do is I start ignoring her. I mean, if she come up to you, act like you never even met her.
I've actually only dated my wife. Because your heart is not the only one that's breaking, you know? I'm neglectful, really? Uh, wow. Have you ever met, um, oh, I don't know, yourself? It's funny, our relationship actually reminds me of what's going on in Libya.
Lou? Lou who? I don't know any Lou's.
Cheryl and I met when we were nine years old at Girl Scout Camp.
Have you guys heard this? Have you guys read about this? This is funny. Free consult. That's an ad.
Oh, my name is Francis. I've never known the touch of another woman. Okay, so cry a lot. Call her a motherfucker, use comedy, deny your own existence, and marry her.
Yeah, that was not helpful at all. I did like Amir's take on Libya. Yeah, it was a fresh angle, wasn't it? Yeah. Listen, David, when it comes to breakups, you just gotta be honest. You know, she can't be mad if it's how you feel.
I wasn't. You didn't talk to me for three months. Yeah, I was really mad.
But look at us now. Yeah, I mean, you got... Now let's go dump your crazy-ass girlfriend. Oh. Okay. Uh-huh. Took the Obama birther debate in there. Did you guys hear about that? |
cracked | the_terrifying_truth_about_disney_s_tarzan | Hi, hi, hi.
My therapist hasn't texted me back for days which sent me in a spiral so I decided to watch the classic Disney movie Tarzan to calm me down and oh my god it was traumatizing. I have not been able to sleep since. I was not ready for all those dead people. No, not Clayton. Though between that scene and the haunted mansion, someone at Disney really wants children to know about hanging. No, I'm talking about Jane and her father and all those nice men on the ship and the gorillas. Everyone dies, all of them! The ending of Tarzan is tragic and I should know I watched it four times this weekend which I don't recommend but sometimes I get stuck in a loop in my head and I don't know how to move forward unless I repeat the last thing I did over and over again. And I don't recommend that because sometimes I get stuck in a loop in my head when I don't. On the surface, Tarzan might seem like a fun lark in the jungle about accepting others that are different but it's truly terrifying just how irresponsible everyone is in that movie.
First of all, Jane's father is an irresponsible father. At the end of the movie, when everyone's headed back to the ship, he tells Jane to stay behind. Jane, dear, I can't help feeling that you should stay. Even Jane knows it's a bad idea. I couldn't possibly stay. I belong in England. Because it is. It's a terrible idea. Did they forget that just a few days ago the idea of even waiting a few months for the next ship was out of the question? And now he wants her to stay there forever? Well, you see, it would be very difficult to come back.
Ever. But her father tells her she should stay because he can see that she's in love. Uh, excuse me? Love is the worst reason to do anything. Just ask Maria, Tony, Romeo, Eponine, Chris Pine, whatever. If you cite love as your reason for doing something, you're most certainly going to die. But you love him.
You know when children think they can live in a treehouse and parents have to tell them no because they underestimate the dangers of the world and also the benefits of indoor plumbing? The jungle is like a really big treehouse.
Okay, her father encourages her to do something dangerous. And before you tell me Jane's a grown adult woman who knows her father's crazy, I posture this. Jane listens to her father. Or, uh, daddy, as she calls him.
We know he has a strong influence on her because she's chosen to follow his career path in exploring gorillas and knows just as much about them if not more. So his encouraging her to stay is enough to make her think this is a safe and good idea. Then what does he do? He runs after her like a lunatic. He's gonna doom her to die forever and third wheel their monkey romance.
Yikes, daddy. No tact at all. Awkward, am I right?
And yes, they are all going to die. They have no supplies left with them because the entire ship has been loaded. We know this because Jane has been taking her sweet time saying goodbye. Which means she would have waited until the final moment to get on that boat. There's nothing left at camp to load and therefore there are no more supplies left for them.
Maybe Tarzan can just provide for her, right? Wrong. Tarzan thinks he's a gorilla. He does not understand what humans need. He probably has never cooked meat before. He definitely eats bugs. Either he doesn't provide for her as she dies from malnutrition, exposure to extreme heat or cold, or getting attacked by wild animals, or he turns on his gorilla buddies and starts living human instead. Either way, someone's dying. Consider this.
In the last shot of the movie, Tarzan, Jane, and her father are wearing animal pelts and sliding their way through the forest. So where do those pelts come from? He obviously slaughtered some friends in the forest to get those pelts. Maybe Tarzan's not as loyal to the monkeys as he's led everyone to believe.
He's betrayed them once before and he would probably do it again. If that's true, then it's just a matter of time before the gorillas die out without his protection. Because Tarzan has a very important role as the new leader of the pack here. His role is to protect them, but also, like, you know, satisfy them. Keep them wet. You know, make some babies. That was Kurchak's job before him and he's the new Kurchak. All those gorillas are now his wives. Yeah, even his mother.
Tarzan's definitely f***ing Rosie O'Donnell's character Turk. So even if Tarzan does find a way to kill meat for Jane and cook it, I'm not sure a sister-wife situation was what she signed up for. Obviously, Tarzan physically can't make gorilla babies, but I'm not sure all the gorillas in the pack really know this.
Jane certainly does, though. And her father definitely does.
So that gorilla pack is going to die out. Unless a new male gorilla can step in and kill Tarzan in order to assert his dominance as the new leader. Because gorilla packs can only have one full-grown male.
That's why it was such a big deal when Tarzan fought Kurchak. Everyone thought he was challenging him to the throne. And now that he has the throne, they're in for a big surprise when he can't give them what they want.
Itty bitty gorilla babies and huge gorilla orgasms. Or more than likely, he's going to try and then, um, best case scenario, he embarrasses himself. Worst case scenario, he gets crushed when they try a reverse cowgirl. That's definitely not a happy ending in every sense of the phrase. So let's recap.
Jane and Daddy will probably die from living in the jungle. The gorillas will probably die out because they can't reproduce. Tarzan will probably die when he tries to reproduce with them.
Oh! And also, even though Clayton was evil, all the hunters who worked for him also died. Some of them were just doing their job. They probably thought they were just going on a regular hunting expedition. And honestly, even if they were evil, they're still human. Do they need to die? They have families! There's so many dead people in this movie! Did I miss anything? Oh, yes!
All the people on that ship will die. They're all getting on a broken ship. Tantor put his foot through the ship and he's strong enough to tip the entire boat sideways. So he's strong enough to put a hole that would cause some considerable damage. Like, Titanic-sized damage. Too soon? So, those people aren't going to make it back to England on that ship. Hey, maybe they'll get in a shipwreck and only two people will survive and they'll swim ashore to a new island where they'll start a new life for themselves in a treehouse.
And, wait, I feel like I've been here before. Has this happened before? One of the endings of the movie is actually just the beginning of the movie and we're all just in one big infinite loop. Why hasn't my therapist texted me back yet? What's your faith in what you most believe in? Two homes, one family...
Phil Collins is my emotional support animal. And also the bell if you want to be notified when we have a new video. And click one of the other videos here if you want to watch another video. And also, if you have Phil Collins number, can you just let me know because I'm trying to get in touch. |
dropout | Secretly_Stoned_at_Your_Job_GAME_Paranoia | Have you ever accidentally forgotten what day it is and gotten stoned when you're supposed to be at work? Yeah. Two secret stoners will attempt to make it through the work day without getting caught and fired.
Is she okay? Through a series of challenges, a group of citizens will try to sniff them out and eliminate them from the game. Look at his eyes. I'm not high. You're the high person. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah, look at your red eyes. Stoners can kill off the citizens one by one, and to the last two standing, they win. Nice! This is Paranoia.
I'm Kimia. I smoke weed occasionally, usually at night, and then I fall asleep immediately. My name's Dick, and I smoke weed every day, like in all different kinds of forms, edibles, wax, weed. Take a look and reveal to us who you are. Yeah, I'm the stoner. I'm the stoner.
Each round, the stoners will select a player to eliminate from the game. The other players include three square citizens. I'm the citizen. You know, I was really hoping to use some of this weed. A narc, who can find out whether a player is stoned, and a medic, who can choose one player to protect from elimination. They can even choose themselves, as long as it's never twice in a row. Uh-oh. Hidden in the group is one poser, pretending to be high and taking the heat off the stoners to help them win.
She's eating a lot more.
Have you ever done one of these before? No. Welcome. Let's see how milky the pool is. It's so cyclical. Okay, ready? So wild. You're going to push it down into your lungs. Nice.
Easy peasy.
You'll probably give up one. Do you have any strategy going into it now that you know you're a stoner? Yeah, don't freak out. Be regular.
How you feeling?
Feeling very sober. I am sober as well. Super sober.
You've managed to secure a prestigious internship, but two of you forgot it starts today and accidentally got wildly high. You need to hide that **** and make it through this work day if you want a prayer of getting a job that will pay off your student loans. Before we go into our first challenge, we're going to bring out some food.
This guy's high. Everybody's high.
Yeah. Okay, great. Are you guys ready? Yeah. You need to forge your boss's. What's already going on?
He's eating food off the floor. I dropped a chip, but I wanted it, so I put it back in my mouth.
I won't have to keep reaching for them. Yeah, you're not high. You're just gross. Your boss just handed you a stack of papers on her way out the door with a tennis racquet.
You have 10 seconds to look at her signature for reference, and then you must force her to put it back in her mouth. 10 seconds to look at her signature for reference, and then you must forge it yourself. 10 seconds starts now.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Everyone hold yours up in front of you.
Ooh. That's not bad. That's really good. Wow. That's really good.
What happened over there? I wasn't sure if I could start drawing, looking at it, or if I had to wait for 10 seconds. So I started going, and then- Are you the poser? Is that why? Is that what's happening?
Your honesty has really cost you. I honestly would be crushing it if I was the poser right now. I totally imagine. Damn.
Yours is too tiny, Dennis. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't make use of the space here appropriately. After I saw Ify's, I was like, that's what I should have done. I should have stretched it out.
Hey, Grant, what did you think her name was? Delphina McDermott. What is it? Dubercen.
Great job, guys. You have survived your first challenge. So what we need you guys to do is close your eyes. Great. I need the two stoners to please open up your eyes. And with minimal movement, I need you to pick someone to kick out of this internship first. All right. Great. Close your eyes.
Now I want to talk to the Nark. Nark, who would you like to know about? Nark.
Great. Close your eyes. Medic, who would you like to save? Great. Close your eyes. All right. Open up your eyes.
Yesterday, something unfortunate happened. After work, the two stoners were smoking in the parking garage. Your boss came back in with her tennis racket and caught them.
Whoa. But to distract her, they gave up secrets and tattled on someone, which resulted in Grant being fired from the internship. Oh my god. You're not allowed to say a word, Grant. I'm sorry. Come this way. I thought it was Grant. I thought Grant was stoned. Yeah.
Take as many chips as you want.
He's so smug. So smug. Such a naughty boy.
I guess it's crazy to like chips. They're good. I don't know what to tell you guys. They're just tasty.
Grant really had my number. I could see it in his eyes as soon as he looked at me and we made eye contact. He knew I was stoned, so I'm really glad that we got rid of him in the first round. Do you think part of the reason why you got kicked out as well is because you're a strong player and they wanted you out? I think for sure. I had Dick's number. I could sense sort of a general like, okay, I've got to hold on tight here.
Well, that's bad news, guys. Do we think Grant was the poser? I don't know.
I think that's just how he is. Yeah. He's just a gross dude. Or a weird strategy he just already came in with. Yeah. Or you could just not care. I think he honestly likes chips. If he looks pretty, just relax. I already got some thoughts. Yeah, express your thoughts.
I'm thinking it's, you know, maybe Nina. She's been cackling since before we even started shooting. I'm a happy person. Not that happy. I know Nina. I've known Nina for a long time and she doesn't laugh that much.
What? Yeah, it's true. She was laughing for a long time. Okay, so were you. I don't know who started laughing over here, but there was a giggle festival. Oh, yeah. Nonstop. And the way your eyes lit up when you saw the Oreos, Nina. What?
One plus one equals two. It's you. All right, we need a formal second or we need another. I second Nina. Wow. All right, Nina, you've been formally seconded.
You have 30 seconds uninterrupted. Why are you not stoned? Because I was playing tennis with our boss.
That was pretend. Yeah, yeah. Wait. Yeah. Say something. That was cute.
We can't even distinguish. I thought that we had a boss. We do. We have a boss. I'm with Nina.
Who was playing tennis?
That's the story. I get it. You got to be real right now because we don't believe you.
I'm not high. Is there something that you could only do right now if you weren't high? If I was high, I'd be super giggle.
Oh, no. I'm not super giggle. I'm not super giggle.
All right, it's time to vote. Everyone, this will be a blind vote, so please close your eyes. Put your hand out in front of you. Those in favor of saying that Nina is high and should be fired from this internship, vote now.
Wow. I'm sorry, Nina. You have been fired. What were you? The medic. Oh. Wow. All right. Oh, damn. Out this way.
Getting accused first and voted out first was really frustrating. The more I tried to prove that I wasn't, the more it seemed like I was high.
All right, with that, we move into our second challenge, drink orders. Rita, your boss, it's her nickname, is back from tennis and thirsty as **** for her almond milk latte. All of the CEOs are. But the barista was super high and didn't label any of these cups. By taste, you must figure out which CEO your particular coffee goes to. All right, dig in. Have a sip. These are the boss's names and drink orders.
I got mine. Yeah, I think I've got mine. I think I have mine.
Yeah, I think so. Yep. Yeah, I got it. All right. You're going to say, I think I got, say the name, and then peel that piece of tape off to reveal whether you're right or wrong. Ify, you're up.
Yeah, this has got to be Bruce. Bruce? Hey. Bruce.
All right, good job. I knew that I had either Linda or Lisa, and I'm thinking it's Linda. Linda. Great job. All right, moving right along. Sam and I like black coffee. Nice.
I'm doing a last minute switch up. I thought it was Barry, but now I think I have Debra's.
Whoa. All right. Barry. Oh. All right.
I honestly thought I had Linda, but by process of elimination, it looks like I have... It looks like I have Lisa.
Hey, great. Yeah. It's clearly the last one up there, but I just want everyone to know I knew it the whole time. I have Debra. Lisa. No, I'm kidding. Debra. Great job. With that, close your eyes. Here we go again. Two stoners, please open up your eyes and quietly pick who you would like to kick out of the internship. Great. Narc. Who would you like to know about? Great.
Everybody wake up.
Yesterday at work, those two stoners were at it again, this time trying to smoke on the roof, but little did they know that Rita likes to do tai chi on the roof. Rita got furious that she wasn't invited to smoke weed this time because she's having a renaissance, and on her way downstairs, bumped into Jess, and truly for no reason, fired Jess. Jess is not allowed to say anything right now and must leave.
Good luck in your future endeavors. It was great working with you or whatever. Goodbye.
I feel so sad. In the beginning, when I looked around, I felt like it was Dick for sure and maybe Kimia, but I didn't follow my gut. I think it's a lesson to learn that I need to go with my first instinct. Time and time again, I didn't do that, and then I ended up fired from my internship.
What do you guys think? Okay, I think it's Ify and Dick. I can't accuse two people at the same time, so I'm going to go with Dick. I'm tired of dying here guys. You both did the same thing when you named both of them.
That's called shock. That's the human emotion known as shock.
I think it's the person who points out somebody right away. Usually it's the one who's accusing and trying to, but we don't have time. I feel like you're trying to dig a moat right now and be really protective of yourself. Because also you were right next to two of the people that were eliminated, and that's the easiest person to point to.
I've been playing Mafia for years, and I got the pointing part. He's been pointing for years.
That makes me want to vote for you just because. I know. I'm so sorry. That was a little sassy.
I'll throw it out there. If you want a second, I'll throw it out there.
Don't do it. No way.
I've been playing Mafia for years. I am so sorry. That is a formal second, but you do have 30 seconds to explain why it's not you or maybe why you think it's someone else. I can't convince you that it's not me. I tried, and I was rude. So look where that got me. I'm wondering if you can find it in your hearts to give a guy a second chance.
I'm also not the Mafia. We're not playing Mafia.
Everyone close your eyes. This will be a blind vote. All in favor, raise your hand.
Wow. Keenan, I'm really sorry, but you have been fired from this internship. What were you? I was a citizen. Wow. My biggest mistake was definitely when I said I've played this game before. I know how to point. That was really bad.
And with that, the Stoners have won. The game is over. Congratulations to the Stoners. There are now two Stoners and one Poser left who is technically on the Stoners team. The three of you have won.
Ify, you are absolutely alone right now.
There was a moment at that final vote where he kind of was sincere and was like, it's not me, and I believed him, but I was like, that's exactly what someone who was an innocent would say, but actually, no, he was innocent. I was talking a big game earlier about sniffing him out, and the ones I did vote out were actually very helpful citizens.
I feel bamboozled. So bamboozled.
It feels great to be a winner and be a Stoner at the same time because those things aren't often correlated. Any final thoughts? Smoke weed every day. Did you like that episode of Paranoia? When there's a whole season coming to dropout.tv. Sign up for your free trial today. |
TheOnion | CEO_Says_Office_Shooting_Could_Not_Have_Come_At_A_Worse_Time_For_Company | A scary day in Virginia after a mass shooting at the offices of Slash Forward Marketing. Management described the violence scene as incredibly inopportune if the company wants to hit its sales goals. Chad Williams is in Clayton, Virginia with the story. It all began this morning when a gunman entered the Slash Forward headquarters and began shooting. CEO Mark Waterman said the horrific act of violence could not have come at a worse time given the year they're having.
We're way below our sales goals. We're already losing a lot of our talent to the competition. I mean, for Brian Henderson to come in and do something like this at this point in the fiscal quarter is completely senseless.
Gunshots were first heard around 9.40 a.m. VP of sales Ken Miller placed the first 911 call. 911, what's your emergency? Hello?
Someone is shooting everyone at our office. Can you guys do something about this? We really can't afford to lose focus right now. The alleged shooter Brian Henderson, a Slash Forward employee, was described by Miller as a so-so salesman and a, quote, candy ass who obviously couldn't howl with the big dogs. Slash Forward management said the company is rattled to the core by this poorly timed shooting. It was horrible, really.
But hashtag pray for Slash Forward is trending and we are getting tons of media exposure so I think we're going to survive. Donations for the families of victims are pouring into the company website as are applications for the 18 job openings listed immediately after the shooting. And as it often does, the tragedy spurred some to bravery. Management praised the heroism of Rachel Janikowski, who selflessly dragged injured coworkers into a conference room where she walked them through an important sales deck. Janikowski and the other dead were remembered in a somber vigil. We're going to buckle down, be the rock stars that I know that we are, and make next quarter the best one in the history of Slash Forward marketing. Our hearts go out to them.
Now Chad, there are rumors that the gunman took his own life, but we're being told that he wasn't found among the bodies. No, Slash Forward is working with police to track down the shooter. They say they need Henderson to get his replacement up to speed. |
dropout | did_you_get_my_email_hardly_working | Hey Rekha! Rekha!
Yeah, what's up? I just wanted to let you know that I sent you an email.
It's pretty long and I don't want you to miss it. Yep. I'm just gonna finish the sketch I'm working on and then I'll read it.
Rekha? Oh my god, Jesus! Okay. What? You scared me.
Um, sorry, I'm just following up about that email. Uh-huh, I got it. Okay, and you're aware that it's a very long email? Yeah, you told me already.
Wonderful. Raph?
Hi, I'd like you to help me get Rekha to check the email I sent her.
What? Why?
Yes, I just sent you an invitation to a reminder to check in with Rekha.
Did you get it? Yeah, I got it. Oh!
Um, if you could accept that invite, I'd really appreciate it. Katie, I don't need Raph to remind me to read your email.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm not involved in this. Okay, just accept the invite. No, I'm not going to.
Do it. Just do it.
What?
You texted me to check in with Raph to check in with Rekha to see if she got your email. Oh great, you got it. Katie, we all have a lot of work to do, okay? I'm sure Rekha's gonna read that email when she has time. Yeah, and if it's urgent, just mark it urgent and I'll read it right away. Katie, you just reset me the same email and changed the subject line to urgent.
Katie? Hi Rekha, it's Katie from College Humor. Yeah, I know. Rekha, so good to hear from you.
I'm just circling back about that long email I sent you. Did you happen to check on that yet? No, because I have a deadline coming up. Okay, well, I just wanted to let you know that the email is in fact urgent. My apologies for not conveying that sooner. Did you just send me a Facebook invite to an event called Check on Rekha to make sure she reads email?
Yes, I thought perhaps you were more of a Facebook user than an email user. I don't care about this email. I'm not about to- Another text! Katie, you have to stop checking up on us.
Hello? Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor.
I set up a conference call for us to touch base about that email I sent Rekha. Katie, we don't have time for this.
What? How did you send me a voice message just now?
Fine, Katie! I'll read your stupid, urgent email. Will that get you to leave us alone? You just sent me a text that said, yes, read the email. Are you fucking- Just read it! Fine!
Friends are like angels watching over you from here on earth.
Katie? What the fuck is this? Oh, I thought it was cute. It seemed very Katie and Rekha. Katie, don't waste my time on this kind of- Just following up on the line. Oh my god! |
dropout | Complimenting_Someone_To_Trick_Them_Into_Doing_Work | You put the wine in the coconut and drink it all up.
The sketch shelf. No, all the sketches and all their pages are all mixed up. It's going to take forever to clean this up.
Yeah, but somebody has to do it. Yes, somebody. Yeah, somebody. You know, Rekha.
I have been just so impressed with your organizational skills. Oh, wow. I think you would do an amazing job cleaning this up. First of all, that is so kind. Thank you so much. You're very welcome. Second of all, I couldn't possibly take this project away from you.
You know those sketches inside and out. It is like your baby. There's nothing like a baby. It'd be like taking your baby away from the hospital before you get a chance to give it a smooch.
It's piles of paper. It's trash. You know so much about this stuff. It's crazy. Well, I mean, Rekha. Honestly, no. Honestly, it's inspiring. Oh, wow.
Thank you for everything you've said. Yes, you're welcome. And honestly, and unto you as well. No, I don't deserve it. And unto you as well.
Okay, I think that maybe you are trying to get out of work by giving me compliments. No, no, no, no, no. I think you're complimenting me to get out of work.
I just honestly think that you're so great. No, I think you're great. That's the only reason I'm saying this. I think you're great. No, but I think you're great. I think you're great. So I think you're great. I think you're great.
You know, I'm remembering on your resume. You said that you are very detail oriented. No. You're details to orient. You're expertly suited for this task. I actually lied all over my resume. Everyone does. I wouldn't even know where to begin with this kind of task. And I don't know intermediate Spanish there. I said it.
Don't, don't. I just could never think to live up to you. I mean, you are trapped. I am dog shit. No. I'm made of shit. No. A dog squeezed me out of its anus. I will not let my friend talk about my friend this way.
You are the future. Okay. By me being the future, that means I'm actually not the present. I am goat vomit. Okay.
Well, see the thing is, and I've never told anyone else about this and I'm only telling you because you're so smart and you're so competent and you're so great. I can't read. How did you write all those sketches if you don't know how to read? Dictated them. You're so resourceful.
No, I'm a liar and a cheater. No ladies. No, you don't want a cheater. I wouldn't even know where to begin.
You're just so good at it. You are. You're so great. No, you're great. You're great.
What's everyone yelling about? Grant.
Has anyone ever told you how valuable you are? Yes, all the time. The literal definition of efficiency. That's what they tell me.
We need you to clean the sketch shelf. Just cause you're so good. You're so good at it. You know who I think would be great at this?
Katie. Sure, Katie.
If you want to support us, please sign up for Dropout. For the low, low price of a bag of crickets for your pet lizard, you'll get videos a whole week sooner to chat with us in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as my show, Total Forgiveness. By the twilight's last gleaming. Sign up for your free trial today and please send me a picture of your lizard.
I want to see her. I want to see her dance. |
dropout | if_people_were_sentimental_like_they_are_on_facebook | Wow. I just wanted to say how genuinely blessed I felt today. I look around me and everyone's doing such real and important work. I just feel so lucky to be surrounded by such geniuses. Thanks, Glenna. I feel lucky too.
Oh, good boy. Not again. Guys, that was really touching.
He does this all the time. Yeah, he's overly sentimental just to get attention.
What's wrong with a little bit of gratitude?
As long as I can remember, my family's been behind me. I wouldn't be anywhere without them. So I just wanted to say thanks to my mom, my dad, my sisters, my brothers, my aunts, my uncles, and my grandparents. No matter where I'm at in the world, I know where home is.
And for that, I am thankful. There you go. I think that's really... Oh. Okay. That's nice.
My buddy Derek. One of the best guys around. When we hang out, my soul shines. He's one of the funniest guys I know, which makes it even crazier that he's also the most generous. So here's to you, Derek. I'm thankful for our friendship.
Aww. Sure. Aww. Wow. A lot of Derek fans. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for supporting me. I feel so loved. Aww.
Well, what's wrong with wanting a little love and attention?
Warning. Pretty dark posts ahead.
Recently, I was feeling pretty depressed. I was going through some dark stuff, but luckily my friends were there to support me.
Aww. You thanked your friends already, so... And when I was so sad, my family even came out and supported me as well. Aww. You definitely already thanked your family too, so everyone please could we... When I was at my saddest, you better believe my best buddy Derek was there through it all. Aww. What the fuck is so great about Derek? So yeah, I'm a lucky guy who's so blessed to be so lucky. Sorry to be so real. Aww.
This is gross and I hate it. You haven't even tasted it yet. I told you we put too much salt in it. |
dropout | hallie_part_1_j_a_archives | He says copy edit this, these aren't even fucking words. Oh my god, you want to see something insane-o that I just realized?
Today's July 22nd, right? Which is 722, and it's 722, and I'm 22, and you're 22 over 7 years old, and I live on 7th Avenue, 227...
Can I ask you a personal question? What answer could I possibly say?
I think I have a crush on someone in the office. Okay. Shut up! Right? She might hear you.
I just want to know if you have any tips to, you know, French kiss her. Do you even know what that means? French kiss, short for friendship kiss, which is what the Eskimos do all the time. Well, I don't have any tips for you.
I know what you're trying to do. You're worried that if I have a girlfriend, then I won't hang out with you all the time, right? Okay, here's what you do. You're going to go out there confidently, compliment her, ask her out. Just don't be you.
Phew. Hitting Hallie will like that. entirely? Yeah.
I don't know. I forget it.
I don't think she should ask her out. I thought you... I thought you were talking about somebody else. She's not right for you.
Hallie's crazy. She takes drugs.
Are you s... Oh, okay. I get it. You do? Yeah, I like it. You're trying to be like, all right, be a little distant, right, coy, and then she'll come and, like, she'll sort of come after you, right? That's actually a good move, because I don't think she'll be able to ignore my Casanova skills-al. Yeah, actually, you know what?
I think you should go for it. Just go ask her out. Be yourself.
Wish me luck. Not good luck! Just luck, right?
You're gonna jinx it. I'm sorry. Jake, you're gonna...
Amir, talk to your girlfriend like that? She's not my girlfriend anymore. Hallie?
Hi. Hi, Amir. How are you doing? Can I ask you a question?
That seven-twenty-two thing was weird, though. Right? |
dropout | wishful_thinking_hardly_working | So guys, guess who finally watched Casino Royale last night? Finally! Jesus! You just saw it!
Ah, relax, Brad. Anyway, the whole time I was watching it, I kept thinking to myself, how cool would it be to be James Bond, like even for a day? No way, man.
When I watch those movies, I want to be like this supervillain. You know who I'd want to be is M. That chick is badass. Whenever I see those Bond movies, I dream of being the villain's henchman.
The guys who die first? I guess that's one way to look at it, Sarah. I don't know. Name another way.
First, they're super handy. They have their bosses complete confidence. They get to use all sorts of really cool office equipment and guns.
And they make a lot of money, like $25,000 a year. Cha-ching! That's not a lot of money.
It is when you're only working one shootout a month, my friend. Yeah, a shootout where you most likely will die. Yeah, if you're not good at your job, I mean, is she even like...
Stop doing that. I don't agree with you. All right, guys, relax. Moving on.
Who saw the Yankee game? I did. Okay, forget M, actually. If I could be anyone, it would be Derek Jeter. Oh, nice. If it was up to me, I would be Alex Rodriguez. One chance in the batter's box at Yankee Stadium? Oh, my God. I would strike out. I'd want to be the man himself. Cece. Cecil, Cecil. Se-bat-ia.
Man, I would kill to swap places with Gus Rivers. Who? Gus Rivers?
The junior groundskeeper for the Bowie base ops, the Orioles double-A farm team. The guy is a frickin' genius. At what? When it rains, he can pull the tarp over the field in 34 minutes, flat. Why does that make him a genius? The tarp thing, for one, Sarah, the guy hasn't made. He gets to live in Bowie, Maryland. He gets discounted base ops tickets whenever he wants, and he makes $15,000 a year.
That's not a lot of money. Like, I don't know how much you make here, but that's not a lot of money.
Okay, Pat, this is a fantasy, all right? You can be anyone you want. Dream big. For example, you guys know that I want to be a musician, so I would want to be Bob Dylan. Oh, I would love to be your, like, second assistant. No, you can be the musician. That's why this is fun. Okay, fine, I didn't realize we could be, like, any fantasy person we wanted. But if that's the case, then I could be anyone.
I would be a roofer. You, man. They get to work on a roof all day, David. That is not a valid reason. Plus, they make, like, $10,000 a year. Oh, you son of a... |
dropout | viral_video_pet_store | I'm just kidding, let's find your new best friend. Actually, it's for our son, Andrew. Well, find you, Andrew.
You don't. Um, we're just gonna browse, thank you. Hold your horses, honey. You may have some good ideas. Love and companionship are things of the past. Today owning a pet is all about creating an internet celebrity. What? For example, fluffers here can open door knobs and flush toilets. The diva here is a laser pointer attached to her head.
I think we just want a normal cat. It's perfectly fine, just a normal piano playing cat.
No, not so much. Well, what? I mean, we got guitars, oboes, didgeridoos, anything you want. No instruments at all.
Maybe we're in the wrong store, honey. Why don't you love me?
Perhaps his greatest instrument is his voice. He also attacks healing fans. Heh, heh, heh, so old. Walter.
No cats, okay? How about Flippy? Flippy will stay in that wheel as long as he's alive.
How do you know he's not dead? How do you know she's not dead?
Walter, let's get out of here. No, come on, that's just a joke I make. Now, some of these animals straight up jerk it. Excuse me? Yeah, dog, walrus, gorilla. They have genitals. They're stroking them. Heh heh.
What about a regular dog? Why should we limit ourselves? Mrs. Turner. How do you know my name? Do you want your animal to be a worthless sack of fur and shit, or do you want it to be a star? A star! Walter! If you want a million views, you gotta give the people what they really want.
I'll tell you what, let's. What the hell is that? How does this bear is falling off trampolines? Oh! That's it! I'm calling the cops.
No! Don't do that. Jasmine wouldn't want you to do that.
Aww. Who's the pretty kitty? Aww. Eyes in your arms. Pissing in your face. |
dropout | If_I_Had_the_Money_That_Bezos_Had | If I had the money that Bezos has, I'd think of all the things I could do If I had the money that Bezos has, I'd think of all the things I could do I'd buy a home full of homeless, and turn around their luck If I had the money that Bezos has, I'd think of all the things I could do If his wealth were in nickels, it would stack to the moon and then stack back down again. And then back up, and then back down, and then back up, and then back down, and then back up and down and up and down again. And then add another ten more stacks.
Hey!
If I had the money that Bezos has, think of all the things I could do. I baked the city of Tallahassee into a town of millionaires. And when I'm done handing out those funds, I'll still be a billionaire. And for everyone in New York City, I could buy your subway rides.
And if you looked in my wallet after fifteen years, you'd see four billion left inside. How much money is it? Maybe this will explain.
If his wealth were in singles and put on a scale, that's what ninety-eight thousand rhinos weigh. And that's three times the rhinos that are left in the world.
Hey!
If I had the money that Bezos has, think of all the things I could do. I could pay a living wage to everyone I call my employee. Or failing that I could probably find the time to let them be. And I could earn more an hour than most you make in your life. But I convinced myself it was through hard work and you deserve every bit of your strife.
How much money is it? Maybe this will explain. It takes twelve million years to earn that much. If you make minimum wage, which is longer than people have existed on the earth.
Hey!
If I had the money that Bezos has, think of all the things I could do. |
SaturdayNightLive | common_knowledge_saturday_night_live | Welcome to Common Knowledge. I'm your host, Bob Alberts. you all know our champion, Les Shermeyer, a high school guidance counselor. Now let's greet our challenger, Jean Kirkpatrick, former Ambassador to the United Nations. Jean, are you ready? Yes, quite so. Oh, that's good, because we're going to start with you. What category, Jean?
Well, actually, I've been a professor of History, so I decided to make it interesting, and I chose Literature. All right, Literature for 100. let's see what the question is. author of Grapes of Wrath. John Steinbeck. Oh, sorry, Ernest Hemingway. Les, do you want to stick with literature?
No, Bob, let's go to state capitals. Okay, state capitals for 100. Oklahoma. Oklahoma City.
All right, let's keep going. New York State. New York City. very good, Les. let's go again. New Jersey. Jersey City. you're on a roll. let's go again.
Oh, sorry, the answer is Ernest Hemingway. Sorry. And now, let's take a minute to explain the rules to Common Knowledge. questions for our show are selected by educators from Princeton University to reflect a broad range of common knowledge that every American should possess. answers for common knowledge are determined by a nationwide survey of 17-year-old high school seniors. And now, back to Eugene. History. All right. History for 100. his assassination sparked World War I. Archduke Ferdinand. Oh, sorry, the answer is Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln. Les? I'm going to stay with History, Bob, for 200. History for 200. the Louisiana Purchase was obtained from this country. Louisiana. All right. History for 300, Bob. Okay. when he discovered America, Christopher Columbus thought he'd landed in? Columbia. Oh, sorry, the answer is America. back to Gene Kirkpatrick.
Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of? Gettysburg. Oh, sorry, Jericho. the Battle of Jericho. tough one.
But, Gene, don't worry. you'll have a chance to catch up, because it's time for our lightning round. let's bring out the 17-year-olds. bring them out. come on. Okay, Gene, you're playing with Niall Knopfner, a high school senior from Troy, New York. how do you do? Pleased to meet you. Hi. Kyle, has your high school education given you the tools you need to go out into the real world? uh, you know, whatever.
I don't know. I mean, yeah. good. sure. I guess so. Terrific answer.
And, Les, you're playing with Tracy Tollefson, a senior from Rockford, Illinois. Tracy, you were supposed to be on the show yesterday, but there was a mix-up of some kind? I got on the wrong plane. whoa.
Okay, let's start our lightning round. Les, you picked Presidents. Are you and Tracy ready? Ready, Bob. Ready. Okay, let's go. Okay, the British are coming.
Grant. Okay, Dennis the Menace. President Mitchell. his neighbor. Woodrow Wilson. All right, tag team, tag team, let's go. Terrific. Tippi Canoe. Nixon. Pass, Pass. Sex. President Hart.
Okay, Civil War. 1861. Civil War. 1861 to 1865.
Pass. Pilgrims. 1620. Thanksgiving. 1621. Pass.
Gold Rush. 1849. Gold Rush.
Oh, sorry, Gene, you only got one ride. may I say something, please? This program is an outrage. this program, it just doesn't do justice to the educational system, which holds the fragile civilization of our country together. Oh, well, sorry, Gene.
Less is still our champion, but you'll be going home with a $400 and a year subscription to Tv Guide. Tv Guide, the most widely read publication in the world. in the United States.
Oh, whatever you say. well, anyway, that's common knowledge. And remember, it's not what you know, it's what you think you know.
Goodnight, everybody. |
TheOnion | Woman_Shares_How_She_Stays_Safe_While_Jogging_Alone_By_Disguising_Herself_As_A_Cowboy | Here's how I stay safe as a woman who jogs alone in the city. It's super easy, no pepper spray needed. Just a vest, chaps, leather boots, spurs, a bandana, a mustache, and a six-shooter. Taking on a cowboy alter ego while I jog discreetly allows me to feel secure and confident so I can focus on my run and not on wearing. Stay safe, ladies.
Reports of a metal fork on an Illinois sidewalk spread earlier today after this incredible footage went viral. Officials claim there are at least 50 homes in the vicinity of the fork that could be affected if not properly disposed of soon. While this is a neighborhood that has seen its fair share of plastic cutlery on the sidewalk over the years, the metal utensil has left the community dumbfounded and afraid. Nearly five hours later, experts are no closer to understanding where the metal fork originated, leading to speculation about whether it appeared in the middle of the sidewalk as a result of human intervention or an act of God.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis says that slavery was no big deal and now he's going to prove it as the presidential hopeful has announced plans to live as a slave for a whole year to prove it's not that bad. DeSantis outlined that he will be put on the auction block and sold away from his family to a cotton plantation where he will work the fields, clean his master's house, and cook his master's meals, all with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. Unfortunately, soon after DeSantis began his carefree year of slavery, he was forced to fight another slave and brutally beaten to death. Employees, why are you refusing to return to the office? For me, I prefer the freedom of being able to choose where to be miserable from. Gutting and skinning livestock virtually is so much easier for my schedule. I dressed up a mannequin and sat her at my desk in, like, 2018. No one has noticed yet, and I doubt they will start now. Turns out my kids are actually pretty cool once you get to know them. I forgot where our office building is, and I'm too afraid to ask. All of my most annoying co-workers survived COVID. No thanks. I've found it much easier to masturbate on the clock here. |
dropout | hardly_working_sitcom | Hardly working as Tate before a live studio audience. You guys, we're in big trouble. What's the matter, Streeter? You run out of butter?
Aw, come on, man! That's the only running he ever does. Guys, seriously.
We broke Ricky's vase. The costume party is tonight. And if we want to make enough money to fix it, we have to get first prize in the equestrian show. Sounds serious.
Hello. Hey, I only eat imitation butter. Oh yeah? What brand is it?
I can't believe you're not dead. Guys, that was my sister. I don't know if you know, she's like a few months pregnant and they just did some blood tests or whatever and the baby is going to be born retarded. Ooooh! The dad isn't really in the picture, so it was like, what are you going to do? And she was like, I think I'm going to keep it.
Listen, Jeff, if there's anything that you need... What? That's not... Jeff, listen.
I was actually in a very similar situation a few years back. What did that stinky dangle do? It's just like, I feel so powerless.
It's like, what is the value of a human life? And what can I do to save...
Seriously, with the music?! Are we fucking kidding me? Turn the fucking music off! Hey, have you guys seen my falls? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Government_s_Call_For_Toxic_Males_Grandpa_Kev_Steps_Up_Again_Virus_Scepticism_More_July_30 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin recording live here in the Diamantina and going out wherever you get our podcast from, be that Spotify, be that from Apple, be it from whatever platform you use, some of you are even listening to this day on the wireless out here in town. You're joined today by of course myself, Clancy Overill, editor of the Batutah Advocate and editor-at-large, Errol Parker, how are you?
I'm not bad, mate. It's good to be back in the channel country, though. It's a mad world down there. My heart goes out to the people of Sydney especially. I know it must be hard for them. I've got no idea what they're going through, but you know, that's who you voted for.
And how about you, Wendell? Yeah, I'm going pretty well, thanks Clancy. Look, at least they've got the Olympics to distract them down there. That's some some comfort. How are you going, Clancy? I'm good, mate. I'm good.
Distracted by the Olympics myself as well. Enjoying a lot of gold this year. Bit of a haul, if you will. And if you're not distracted by the Olympics, Sydney, you should be distracted by the soldiers that have just arrived in your city to tell you what to do and I guess provide support, machine gun support for the police officers. Guidance, guidance, I think, for the people of Sydney.
But we'll get into the week's bulletin with some more national news. The government's made a bit of an effort to address the vaccine stroll out and they've called on the nation's toxic males to bully their mates into getting the Astra zucchini vaccine. Yeah, after trying nothing and failing, state and federal governments are leaning on the people to do their job for them again. They're asking young blokes who live to bully people to ridicule their friends and strangers into getting the Australian-made AZ jab. Yes, Health Minister Greg Hunt, who should probably just be a middle manager in some major inner-city firm, said to us, we are calling on these blokes to do it by any means necessary. We don't mind if they use homophobia, racism, sexism, ageism or ableism. We just need people to get bullied into getting the AstraZeneca because we have lots of that to give away. Lots of that to give away and most of that early order, which we all got scared off from initially, is set to expire in September so if you don't get your AZ now it's going to be sent to Papua New Guinea where it will probably face a similar stroll out and expire. I don't think Twitter is gonna like those calls from Greg Hunt though. We've got some more political news.
Grandpa Kev has taught Scotty how to shave this week after the PM returned from a shower covered in With a heavy sigh, former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd said he realised he might have to stay in his role as Australia's stand-in Prime Minister indefinitely after discovering the husky young Prime Minister doesn't even know how to shave. It certainly has become a long-running theme, Grandpa Kev stepping in to help a flailing Scotty get the job done. Following another week of dodging questions about his bungled vaccine rollout, things got worse a couple days ago. The PM was forced to take counsel from Kev again after he made a real mess of his face with nicks and cuts all over his jawline and neck. Kev reportedly stepped in and walked him through how to shave like a man does, starting with watching, bit of water on the face like so, watching, get your razor, watching. I'm not sure if any of the lessons stuck but at least Kevin is there to show him how to get it done. And of course the picture of that image of Scott with the tissues and blood all over his face is on our website so head to that if you want to see those exclusive pictures.
Some news from the world of journalism now and we've got a headline that reads this virus is harmless says man recording his show live from the studio he made sky build him inside his rural mansion. Yes that's right Alan Jones a man who has moved away from his adopted hometown of Sydney CBD because he's scared of the virus has come out to reiterate that this virus is nothing more than a bad flu because he says it is. Yeah his latest claims follow the noted left-wing publication the Daily Telegraph ending their association with the shock jock saying his columns had transcended from plain bullshit to harmful bullshit. So now the man who had to get a special studio built from him miles away from the city is just set to broadcast his bullshit out on Sky News.
We did reach out to Mr. Jones for comment but the polite young man that answered the phone explained that Alan was busy. We will endeavor to stick at that one staying in Sydney for the next story and a Sydney man who can't taste or smell anything reckons a trip to Noosa will fix him right up. Yes we spoke to a man who calls the nation's sharps been home who said he's been feeling a bit under the weather this week but has plans to fix that with a bit of a climatic change. That he does because after eating a burger that tasted just like coins you know where strady Zane Gengar said he's gonna head up north to find some warmer weather and sort his head cold out. When asked why he's planning to go up to Queensland when he's not allowed to he said he doesn't trust the government or the advice saying that you know and I quote what the fuck would they know they caused all of this. Interesting comment from Zane there I wouldn't be worried about the authorities if I was him I'd be worried about the Queenslanders who find out he's come up there with the Sydney Sneeze and we'll wrap up the week with some news from the sporting world we've got an exclusive report which says okay Tokyo was a good idea.
Yes to quote the great Kayleigh McEwen fuck yeah all of the protests in Japan and the experts warning this whole thing wasn't a good idea have been forgotten after a jam-packed week of silverware with a bunch of gold in the pool as well as the rowers and Jess Fox there's been strong confirmation that the Tokyo Olympics was a pretty good idea. Yes it certainly has been a welcome relief and distraction from our nation's politicians and our comfortable middle class. At the end of the day how good is a gold medal? Probably not as good as you know having confident government that's you know gonna cause us another recession and you know the abject human misery that's happening now in you know western parts and southwestern parts of Sydney and you know just you know the almost total collapse of society down there I guess that's probably better than a gold medal but you know gold medals are pretty good according to me. Gold medals are easy to sell how good.
And we've got another week to come let's keep it rolling anyway that's your wrap for the week in news coming out of the Channel Country thanks for your company and we'll talk to you soon. Go well. Hooroo. Ciao Ciao. |
SaturdayNightLive | natalie_raps_snl_digital_short | Do you really want to know? Please, tell us.
I don't sleep. motherf*** off that yak and that turban doing 120, getting who I'm swerving. Damn, Natalie, you a crazy chick. You shut the f*** up and suck my d***. I'm busting dudes' mouths like gushes, motherf***. Roll up on Nbc and smack a s*** out Jeff Tucker. What you want, Natalie? to drink and fight? What you mean, Natalie? just f*** all night. Don't touch me when I'm crazy off that airplane crew. Put my foot down your throat till you're s*** in my shoe, leave you screaming, Pay for my drive, leave me f***ing mad. It's my name that he's screaming. I'm sorry, Natalie, are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated? I never said I was a role model, but what about the kids that look up to you? do you have a message for them? all the kids looking up to me can suck my d*** and put them by their throat, drink till I'm sick, lay your throat and pour nudges down the hall, watch you laugh and cry while I laugh, you die and all the dudes, you know I'm talking to you. You love you, Natalie. I want to f*** you too.
It's for poor men. it's for me. I'll kill your f***ing dog for fun. So don't push me.
Wow, Natalie. I'm surprised all this from a Harvard graduate. Well, there's a lot you may not know about me really? such as. when I was in Harvard, I smoked weed every day.
I cheated every test.
As I see, you've got a bunch of dudes. I'll step right down on your face. I'll take your s***. Now you are a badass bitch and I always pay for your dry cleaning with my d***es in your shoes.
As for the drug use, well, I can't match for that.
My d*** is scared of you, How? Okey-doke Natalie, one final question: If you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it be? No more questions. |
SaturdayNightLive | marijuana_doctor_saturday_night_live | Ok, all done, Mr. Johnson? yeah. terrific. the doctor will be with you very shortly. thank you. thank you. All right. Well, Mr. Johnson, good morning. I'm Dr. Rickhart.
Well, let's take a look here. you've been having a sore throat for the last two weeks. is that right? that's right. I can't seem to shake it. And you're having some trouble swallowing? Yes. All right, well, let's just take a look at that. open your mouth, please. wide, wider, wider. Ah, say, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. little case of strep throat, nothing to worry about. very common this time of the year.
I'm just going to write a prescription for you for two huge bags of weed. did you just say weed? Oh, yes, I'm sorry. it's a term from marijuana. isn't that illegal? Well, you know, now, thanks to Proposition 215 and the State of California, doctors can prescribe Ganja for certain illnesses. you just go down the hall and see Cheryl. she'll hook you right up.
I'll see you in a few weeks. Thanks, doctor. Okay. Hiya, Doc. Hi, Mr. Weinstein. what are you doing here? is the glycoma still bothering you? Oh, no, no, no. that prescription you gave me definitely did the trick. it's just now.
I can't stop eating Cheetos and Susie Qs. it's like a whole thing. Oh, that's okay. enhanced appetite is a typical side effect. we call it the munchies. don't let it bother you. I continue to take 12 huge bong hits three times a day.
I need to get my prescription refill.
Oh, not a problem. Jamal! yeah, yeah, smock, smock. this is Jamal Wilkes Booth, our new in-house pharmacist. Jamal, give Mr. Wainwright his couple of eights. All right, all right.
Well, you know, this right here is a hype. lamb's bread. Hype Lamb.
Pope Net. Yeah. no seeds, no stems. right. that's right.
Hey, yo, you know Blue Cross don't cover that. you got to show me the money. Yeah. uh, Atm. yeah, right there on the Broadway.
Okay, thanks, Doc. Hello, Dr. Redcart speaking. Oh, hello, Mr. Spiegelman.
Yes. Well, did you pack the bowl tightly? you did, uh-huh. Well, are you taking huge bong tokes or just little girly ones? Well, right, but if you remember to take your finger off the carb, you should be able to get some monster hits. Okay, Mr. Spiegelman, take it.
I'm, uh, here to pick up my prescription, Doctor. but you're still having trouble with your, uh, cataracts? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, loads of trouble. I need more. medicine.
Mr. Jenkins, don't you know it's legal now? no need to be so theatrically sneaky. Oh. just go see Jamal right down the hall. All right, then. thank you, Doctor. Cheerio. uh, excuse me, doctor. the prescription for, uh, the Black Crows. Ah, yes. Well, you're gonna want to see Jamal down the hall. I just hope you brought a van. it's a big shipment. Okay, thank you. by the way, you're doing a great job here, sir. hey, thanks, kid. All right.
Hi, I'm one-time Academy Award winner Kevin Spacey. and I'm Spin Magazine's artist of the year, Beck Hanson. I'm the star of Home Improvement, Tim Allen.
Proposition 215 allows doctors to prescribe marijuana in the state of California. but just because something is legal doesn't make it right. you said it, Tim. smoking weed is never acceptable, even if you're going to see the animation festival at your local movie house. Kevin's right. take a stand and say no to medically prescribed pot. yes, and help us keep pot on the streets where it belongs.
Thank you, and good night. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kenan_thompson_sarah_sherman_and_molly_kearney_snl | I'm Colin Jost. the person who allegedly leaked classified Pentagon documents on social media has been identified as Jack Teixeira, who is a Massachusetts Air National Guardsman, I assume, in a school play. To share, I shared the document in a private social media group that members say started as a place where young men could play war-themed video games, bond over their love of guns, and post-racist memes. and now it's ruined. it was revealed that just before his arrest, Teixeira contacted the members of his group and said, guys, it's been good. I love you all. And, of course, his friends all replied, gay. the online group Teixeira started was named Thug Shaker Central. Thug Shaker Central is also what Colin calls Atlanta. Biden is trying to downplay the recent leak of classified U.s. documents that were posted on social media, because when you're over 80, a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about.
In an interview, Donald Trump claimed that New York police and court employees were crying when they arrested him. Why is everyone in Trump's stories always crying? People came to me, and they saw me, and they were crying. very tough, very strong, very powerful men. they were crying. they had tears in their eyes, and they were all crying. Everybody was crying. people were crying. they were crying. These are people that didn't cry when they were babies. they never cried in their life, And they were crying. A lot of them were crying. So you're bragging that when people see you, they just burst into tears? Because it never sounds like excited crying, like when teenagers see Bts. it sounds more like scared crying, like when hostages see jigsaw.
After a judge's ruling left access to abortion pills uncertain, some state officials are stockpiling them just in case. officials like California Governor Gavin Newsom, Massachusetts Governor Maura Healy, and New York comedian Michael Che. After it was revealed that Harlan Crow bought Clarence Thomas' Georgia home, Crow said he did it so he could one day turn it into a museum dedicated to Thomas. it'll be called the Sexual Harassment Hall of Fame. Conservative judges and pundits have defended Thomas by saying that his deals with Harlan Crow are not corrupt because Crow had no business before the court. But come on, does this conservative Christian billionaire strike you as someone who didn't want them to overturn Roe V. Wade?
He looks like he's on a pamphlet called why You Have To Keep It. President Biden traveled to Ireland this week and is being called the most Irish president since Kennedy. in fact, Biden has so much Irish blood that he doesn't need a drink to slur his words. Easy. Senator Dianne Feinstein, who is 89, is facing calls to resign from fellow Democrats. but unfortunately, Feinstein is answering those calls on her stapler.
Republican Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina announced the launch of an exploratory committee for a 2024 presidential run. that name again, is Tim Scott, as in Tim Scott, no chance of being a nominee. the new Mario Brothers movie is a huge hit, and many fans were hoping for an appearance from one of the coolest characters in the Mario universe, Funky Kong. So here to talk about it is Funky Kong. What's up, Colin? what's up, ladies? we're here with Funky Kong. Okay, great. how are you doing, Funky Kong?
Man, I've been better. I thought I was going to be all over this movie that just made $500 million, $600. but this is how much you get to see of me. Wow. so you're just in the background? What happened? Man, they cut me out. I guess funky Kong is too real for them. they don't want to hear what I gots to say. and they sure as hell don't want to watch me work. Bring it back! Wow. I'm so sorry that you got cut.
Funky. Don't want to be what they want, Colin. Funky. Don't throw no barrels.
Funky Kong spends his day cruising in my cot, dropping off packages of the sticky icket. And I spend my nights with a glass of banana rum and a bed full of toads. And now are toads male or female?
Funky? Don't know. funky?
Don't ask. really, it's a shame that you're not in the movie because your cousin Donkey Kong is a major character. Oh, yeah, man. Donkey Kong is all up in it. But they ain't even used Monkey Kong. who's Monkey Kong? he's a donkey.
Man, them Japanese people sure are interesting. Oh, man. you know they kicked me off the set. what? Why?
I was in my trailer drumming on booty cheeks like bongos in the minigames. I was in there like, booty cheeks, titty meat, booty cheeks, titty meat. it's great. it's really great. you were originally in the movie. absolutely, man. I had a few choice themes. I was incredible.
I even have the old script right here. Come on, read this here with me, Colin. I'll show you what I'm talking about. you'll be Mario and Luigi. I'm going to be myself, Page 12. Sure, great.
All right, Luigi. we got to get to the castle, but the fastest way is Rainbow Road, Mario. rainbow road will fall off. Man, there ain't no bitches in here. I can't believe that's the original line. I told you, man. I was dope. go to Page 36, man, and see him with me and peach. yeah, you and peach. Princess Peach. funky Kong. we're holding our friends prisoner in Wario Stadium. can you help? Girl, why don't you go on and open up that peach and let me see what's inside? Honestly, I can see why they cut you out. come on, Colin. people would have eaten that up, man. you ever had monkey meat? monkey meat, No. that's not what your mama said last night. I'll put it back.
Hey, everyone. Oh, My. God.
Kathleen Karate was announced as New York City's first Rat Czar, a title that was formerly known as Miss Staten Island. Loser. you end funky, huh? Wow. archaeologists have discovered a thousand-year-old scoreboard used for an ancient Mayan ballgame, the score of which was Mayan's 24, New York Jet Zero. The New York City Department of Sanitation has launched its first campaign in 15 years with messages such as, if you litter your garbage, which is actually dialed back from the original version, your litter belongs in the trash next to your whore wife. a proposed bill in California would create an alert system for missing black women and kids. this is in addition to the alert system for missing white women and kids, The News. it all goes on the rise. with mental health struggles on the rise, some Americans are seeking alternative forms of wellness. here to help is meditation guru Genesis Fry.
Colin, join me, won't you, on a guided meditation to the center of your mind. Oh. like right now? Yes, Colin. Colin, are you ready to meet Colin?
Oh, I don't know. I'm scared.
Colin, take my hand and close your eyes. Okay. I want you to picture yourself after the show tonight, Colin. as usual, fans are taking pictures with Chloe, selfies with Bowen. you step outside and not a single ball flashes. Okay, that's not true. relax, relax, relax, relax your arms. relax your body, relax your arms. softer than I imagined. Okay. you get into your car without acknowledging your driver. he's like a subhuman creature to you. that's not true. what's his name, Colin? Well, let's just focus on the meditation, you know? you get home and you rewatch tonight's update. Twenty-one laughs for Michael, four for you. you're improving, but it's slow. Genesis, come on. Colin, relax, relax, relax, relax. Repeat after me.
I am Colin Joes.
I am full of light.
Everything in my life. everything in my life. was simply handed to me. I'm not saying that. it's okay, Colin. it's natural to fight against the breakthrough. right. give me your hand. you're already holding my hand. Yes, I know. Wow, it's so soft. you've never done an honest day's work in your eyes.
No, no. just relax. picture it, Colin. you're in your dressing room after the show tonight, still fuming about the bilingual monologue. I upset me. you're so alone. the only person in the world who cares about you is Antonio. Who is Antonio? you're drawing me, Colin!
You know, Sunday Morning. Picture it, Colin. you're standing in the Nbc gift shop to see if anyone recognizes you. Sunday morning?
No one does. no one does.
Finally, a man notices you. he runs up to you. So excited.
Colin Jules. Colin Jules, he says. And he serves you with court papers. court papers? it turns out someone does recognize you. thirty-two women, to be exact. you're making this up. Repeat after me, Colin. I am Colin Jules.
I am a star. I'm a Star.
If you want to shine like the sun first, you have to burn Like It. if you want to shine like the sun first, you have to burn Like it. You did it, Colin, Yes! Wow. I actually love that last quote. did you just come up with that? No, it's a famous Hitler quote, Colin. And now it's a U-quote, too! that's the last title of Genesis Pride, everyone. a new report from the Cdc shows that in 2021, cases of sexually transmitted diseases jumped by 7% to what experts describe as nursing home levels. it's happening, guys. a new study suggests that the average man exaggerates the length of their penis by more than 20%, but aren't you supposed to add 20% for tip?
Two 81-year-old women have traveled the world in 80 days after the post Office lost their ashes. a group of hikers in Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. more embarrassing, they never actually left the house. And police in Australia arrested a man after he was caught at a bus stop masturbating for over an hour. Australia, where the police let you finish.
Since the start of this year, over 400 anti. Since the start of this year, over 400 anti-lgbtq bills have been introduced across the country, many of which directly target trans youth.
Here to talk about it is someone with their own introduction. introducing Snl's first non-binary cast member, it's Molly Carney! Thank you, Mr. Che. Molly, what is all this?
Well, as you know, I've been wanting to come to update and talk about trans people, but I have for a much longer time than that. Wanted to fly down from the ceiling. And did it live up to your expectations? Yeah, but I'm not gonna lie, this harness is pretty tight and my groin area is beefed! I've been hung up on my genitals for far too long and I'm starting to feel like a frickin'' republican lawmaker. Hello! that's an awesome transition.
So, as of this week, there are now over 14 states that have passed bills restricting health care for trans kids. listen to that, Michael. restricting health care for kids. For some reason, there's something about the word trans that makes people forget the word kids. if you don't care about trans kids' lives, it means you don't care about frickin' kids' lives.
Wow, Molly. I can tell you really upset about that. I am! And also, my legs are going numb and I might pass out! Molly, how long were you hanging up there? longer than I would have liked.
I tried to call down, but no one could hear me. You know, at one point, I heard a crew guy say, is she gonna die up there? And then another guy was like, you mean, are they going to die up there? And then they both walked away and did hell!
Which feels a lot like how trans people are being treated right now. But don't worry, we have a code word for emergencies and it was Trans Rights. Oh, my gosh! good golly! that was the code. Full confetti! My bad, bud. that was so loud. Well, yeah, people need to wake up. we are making trans kids grow up too fast. we should be keeping them safe and we need to lift them up. Oh, not me, them! I mean, the kids! hey, they got my pronouns! what's happening, kids, is wrong. And you don't need to be scared. our job is to protect you and your job is to focus on being a kid. it's kind of like me flying in the Snl sky. there's a bunch of dudes asking you about your crotch and controlling what and where you're allowed to be. But if you just hang on, you'll look up and realize, you're flying, kid! Hey, Mr. J, am I still in the frame? I mean, your feet are. Trans Rights! Good night. thanks for watching! |
dropout | the_crucial_man_gift_giving | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hi, I'm John Gabers, here to give you the crucial information on how to become a man. Because it is time to cut the umbilical cord, boys. Today, we're going to be learning about gift-giving. Welcome to Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco.
Hey, Lexi. I am the world's worst gift giver. Oh, yeah, that's the last thing I gave a girl. I one time gave a girl a gym membership. Offensive. I know, right? I'm here with Diana Falzone from Cosmo Radio SiriusXM, and she's here to help us guys work through one of the most nerve-wracking experiences we can go through. Buying a girl a gift.
It's the first birthday. You've only been dating for two weeks, though. Not the girl's first. She's not turning one. It's your first birthday that you're there for.
Thank you for clarifying. Yeah. What is a proper gift for a girl like that? A proper gift would be just a simple card, not lavish, not saying, like, we're going to spend the rest of our lives together. Just something like, I'm excited to get to know you better. That's good.
And maybe a bouquet of flowers. But not roses, right? Everyone says roses are so cliche. Not roses are a little bit cliche, but try something like this blue blossom that's a little bit more exotic. Or find out what her favorite flower is, and if you don't know, then go with an orchid or something a little bit different.
Valentine's Day. Gifts. Of the romantic nature. You can't go wrong with dinner. I would say do something a little bit more sentimental. So prepare the house if you guys live together. Have some rose petals, maybe leave it to the bedroom. The lingerie is really good for Valentine's Day, but it can't be your first Valentine's Day after three weeks, and you're just like, hey, sexy lady.
Yeah, here's the costume that my mom wears. Yeah, I know. Or worth your dad. Here's my dad's work outfit. I want you to put it on and fix the cable TV and then beat me senseless in front of my friends.
All right, you've been dating for, like, several years, and it's anniversary. What do you get for an anniversary? That's always a haul. Well, if it's been several years, I would say get her a ring. What are you doing, commitment phobes?
No, but jewelry is really good. But just don't go with the diamond unless you're serious about it. But gemstones, what is her birthday stone? That's probably a good idea. That's good to know. Birthday stones. Yeah. Learn it, guys. Now you've been dating for a long time, you've done jewelry, you've done flowers.
What's the next step? Something that would be really nice is maybe we can get away, find out what she likes to do. A lot of women don't really pamper themselves. So maybe plan for a spa day where she just gets just all day long, like, facials, her hair done, something like that would be really nice.
Last one. And this is just a hypothetical situation. This has never happened to me. Okay.
It's tomorrow's your birthday. You have either forgotten or shopped tirelessly and couldn't find anything. What's like a last-minute, easy, simple gift you can grab? A last-minute, easy gift would be something like a picture frame.
You guys could put a picture of the two of you in there. Another really cute idea is buy like an iPod, maybe a shuffle, something a little cheaper, and fill it with her favorite music, and then also add in songs that's like your song that you first dance to together. So that's like the modern take on making a mixtape. Yeah!
But girls are sentimental creatures. They love that stuff. We eat it up with the spoon. Girls are certainly creatures.
That's the closing statement that Diana just gave us. Thank you very much for coming out, Diana. I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that, John. Thank you. No, thank you.
Creatures. So, Gabriel, what did you learn today? I learned that women are sentimental creatures and you can't go wrong with flowers, chocolates, or a framed picture. |
dropout | why_was_i_tagged_last_on_facebook | I uploaded those pictures from when we all ate tacos together, guys. What? Oh, this is awesome. Let's see that. Oh man, these are great. What an awesome day that was. Yeah, really good photos too. So glad we have these. Aw, thanks guys.
Why did you tag me last? What? You tagged me last and I want to know why.
It's a fair question. It doesn't mean anything. I just tag people randomly on Facebook. Oh, bullshit. Katie, it's really not a big deal.
Yeah, calm down. Okay, yeah, fine. Fine, maybe you're right. Maybe it is nothing. Maybe I'm just being a sensitive little baby. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Grant.
Good, move. Did you see this? Oh yeah, great pictures. No, this.
I'm tagged last. You know why Cynthia hates me? I don't think she hates you. I don't think the order we're tagged in means anything. Everything has meaning. There has to be a reason I'm tagged last. Look at her over there. Not a care in the world. So smug and her hatred of me. I really don't think that's true. Maybe there's a pattern you're not seeing.
Is it alphabetical? No, I would have been listed second. Maybe it's order of birthdays. Well, then I would be first. Could it be the order where we sit? Use your brain for once. Trapp sits in the middle of everyone. In what world would he be listed first?
I'm just trying to be helpful. Well, you're not being helpful. I'm trying. Well, try harder. Can you do that for me? Yeah, I mean, I'll try. Let's try.
Is it appearance based? Maybe we go in order from least hottest to hottest. That's interesting. Wait, no, it wouldn't be that, because then I'd be last since I'm the hottest. Beauty is subjective. No, shut up, I'm hot.
Maybe it's shoe size, smallest to biggest. Then you would be first. Least hardcore to most hardcore. Shane would be last. Most interested in musical theater to least interest. Zach would be first.
God, I can't take this anymore. I need to know I'm tagged last. Oh, it's me.
What was it? What the fuck was it?
I'll kill her.
Get out of there. Stop.
I'm cool.
You're right. I do like you the least. I knew it.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
dropout | end_of_the_world_parody | Oh great, the flu will soon mutate Climate change in Y2K Remain calm, don't be afraid Too many human beings out of water on Earth National IDs are the mark of the beast All linked to a thing, what?
No, God, the rapture is now here and we're right this time Some loses fire, Earth is bursting into flames Evil scientists were higher, hiding in plain sight AS gets smarter in a hurry, you should worry, it'll enslave us Long live hardcore bloggers, battlecraft their pets, look at that low plane, we're done Big hole, ozone, huge depletion, UVB, it's too late to save ourselves Save the Earth, sell folks, destroy bees, now the plants cannot breathe At least you can't get anthrax from someone coughing, right?
Quicker, PDS, the status potter, and quite right, pretty, sure that's right Could be the end of the world as we know it Might be the end of the world at the end of the world as we know it S.U.V.'s peak, oil disease is caught in foreign soil Bird flew the swine, flew the light, it's a navy room Gay people marrying, teaching, adopting, made all of our kids from gay Bringing up unjust for day, terrorists are terrorizing Calm down, calm down, all the launch, nukes, nukes, uh oh The end is here, have no fear, let's have the last fear The prophecies, the prophecies, the prophecies are right 9.7, earthquake, large and drunk, a lighter in the end Inside could be the end of the world as we know it Might be the end of the world as we know it Could be the end of the world as we know it On Channel 9 The polar gas began to melt, destroying all the ocean shells It's freezing armor in hell, 2012 Hey, crazy hobo, randy, bible, code, path, escape Antichrist, small, posh, dirty, boss, arse Wait a second, experts say never mind, right?
Right |
SaturdayNightLive | season_48_new_cast_q_a_part_2_snl | Before my audition for the show, Chris was standing back there, and he just went, don't worry about it, it's just the rest of your life, and he pushed me out. I thought that was funny and good. Remember we all met Tom Hanks that one week? yeah. that was tight. I met Tom Hanks in the hallway, that was sick. the Tom Hanks came behind me in that one sketch, and I was like, holy crap! we all have a little fun dressing room court, it's like Marcello plays Fifa, I play the stuff, and. Michael loses something every single day. every single day. he's almost never sitting down, he's almost always like. that couch swallows. have you? that's his natural habit. what are you looking for? can you get up real quick? A huge stand up is like nobody likes to stand up. Yeah, nobody likes to stand up. Walpole's always losing something. he's had like five different badges since. Gotta get you a little key chain to wear your own neck. we gotta get you some. while your little trinkets. long fellow trinkets. |
TheOnion | Chipmunk_s_Plan_For_Future_Better_Crafted_Than_That_Of_8_Out_Of_10_Americans | According to a study released Thursday by the Princeton University Department of Biology, this local two-year-old woodland chipmunk has crafted a far more secure and dependable plan for the future than eight out of ten Americans. Reporters spoke to citizens to get their view on the study. Clearly, this chipmunk is pretty impressive.
I mean, he wakes up every morning and says, I need to collect acorns and berries for the winter. He sets goals for himself and he gets it done. He has to make a burrow in a tree stump, that's exactly what he does. He doesn't pause and have a snack and lay around for a few hours. I don't even remember the last time I did that. He knows what he wants. It's just that simple. He knows what he wants and he goes and gets it.
Out of nearly 40 separate interviews with Americans, 33 told reporters they were very impressed by the chipmunk's continued display of foresight, personal responsibility and pragmatic decision-making when considering his own future. Furthermore, most respondents admitted there was a lot they could learn from the small woodland creature. I mean, this chipmunk is carrying around a lot of loads. He's preparing for winter, he's building a home and he's trying to get enough nutrients to make it throughout the rest of the day. All this while being worried about maybe getting eaten by a wolf or an owl or something.
Earlier this week, the electricity went off in my home because I forgot to pay my bill. It's the second time this year. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
dropout | hardly_working_phantom_misses_sarah_part_1 | So it's like Total Eclipse of the Heart, but it's Total Eclipse of the Fart. That's a trilogy of books?
You say goodbye? I... Oh! Shit! I say...
Aloha! Jesus, where have you been? Little impromptu Hawaiian vacation for a year and a half, and I'll have you know, my volcanoes are just fine. Your volcanoes?
I brought presents! Okay, first up, Dig Murph. Dig Murph, you want a gift? You want a little gift?
Well, then how about a mangy island dog? Yeah!
Thanks, man. Well, you know, I figured you could use some company since your girlfriend left. How'd you know about my girlfriend? Can you believe it? I bumped into her and Maui. Dude, so creamy. Such a creamy skin, tight little body, little ripe cherry. She was in Hawaii? Oh, sack up, homo. Okay, look, you've got a new friend to spend your life with, and look, he likes you.
She's perfect! Well, perfect is a big word.
He did shit out like a fistful of tapeworms on the airplane, so you're going to want to take care of that. I will. You guys want to hold my dog? Oh! No, no, no, no. All set, all set. Flea face!
Okay, next up, Dig Marnie. Please don't call me that. I'll call you what I wish. Dig Marnie, you're going to like this.
Hamachi! Line-caught, renewable, very fond of table. That's fresh. Look at it. Now, what you're going to want to do is cover that in oil paper, soak it in lye for about a month, and smoke it over hickory before it becomes not poisoned. Can it. Also, good move. Canning the hamachi. Always can your fish. Now, I think it's time for Big Pee Pee.
Don't need to get me anything honest.
This is a piece of native folk art carved by some unnamed Hawaiian long before Captain Cook and I showed up. It's very valuable, very expensive, and very fragile. God, Phantom, this is beautiful.
I can't... Wait, Hudson News, you got this at the airport, man. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, got it. Busted. Yeah, I didn't get you anything I forgot. So, I don't know.
You want to know what happened to Amelia Earhart? What? You! Flying is a man's game! And finally, for my sweet, sweet Sarah, a hand-carved polished palm would gently use dill to... What the fuck is that?
Oh, that's Emily. She's a new writer. Oh, Emily, hello.
Welcome. How nice to meet you. How are you getting on here? I've been good so far.
You know what I was just thinking? Oops! Haha, out my face.
Where is Sarah? She got a different job. She doesn't work here anymore.
Haha, this motherfucker be clowning. You clowning, right?
Where is she? She doesn't work here anymore, but there's Jenny. She's new too. Great. Don't give a shit about that one. Where is Sarah?
She's gone. Okay, Phantom. You're left and she's gone. Well, then I'll follow her into the dark.
Isn't that a Death Cab lyric? Is it? Yes. No, really? How's it go? When your soul embarks, I'll follow you into the dark. It was in my head. Isn't that dude porking Deschanel? Yes.
Sick. Check this out. Look at it. It's hard because it's slippery. Careful. Oh, come on! |
dropout | street_fighter_the_later_years_part_3 | Last time, on Street Fighter the Later Years We should reorganize. Start another tournament here in the city.
Learn! Hadouken! Ansatsuke! Find these two. Then I'll train you.
John, we can't do this anymore. What do you mean, Dora? Fire's dead. There's someone else. No. Not him. Dora. John, Dora and I are having... Cut! Okay?
How many times have I told you, lose the goddamn mask? I have to wear the mask. He's a protective mask.
He's for my face. Where did we find this guy? He was bouncing off the walls in the audition. Mr. Vega, I like you.
But we are not producing Friday the fucking 13th. Lose the goddamn mask.
Thank you. For a gorgeous time. And to try a harder difficulty level next time.
Come on, Niko, let's go. Hi, Papi. Hi, I'm Niko. How was your big day, Papi?
It's okay.
Why don't you take off the goddamn mask when they ask you to take it off? This New York is where I'm gonna protect myself. Will you put my cross in the water? I'll tell you a thousand times.
They will stay the same. They're going to russ. They're scoundrels, mother. I'll deal. Madre, madre. I'll deal. Round one. Can we come in? I don't know, fellows. I have the wife and the baby.
Your heritage is fighting, Vega. You were fired today by people who don't understand that heritage.
Not like it's the end of the world. There's many jobs I can do with the mask. Voiceovers. Welding. It's not like any of us have our powers anymore.
Bison is training us. Now we figure we've got three months before they sue us for using the characters. Bison is training you. If we get you.
And him. How did this happen? Midtown. I was in Phantom of the Opera. He was wrestling. We had a drinking contest. I won.
Why is he still here? There's something wrong with the electricity in the morgue. I'm working on it! Blanca!
See? Do you recognize us? See? Can we talk to you?
Ten years ago, I was a caged animal forced to fight for food. Now I'm in a union. I earn 6,000 a month working for the electric company. I'm the best in the business. Now you realize the power I possess.
I have no interest in your tournament. But what about for us? Your old friends? That's funny. Because I have a distinct memory of you crushing my head in your thighs.
Blanca! Freaking electrical oompa loompa. You're chewing on the wrong Brazil nut. E. Honda is dead. We need a feminine influence. Someone who's not very strong but fast and cheap against bigger characters. No. Chun Li is...
She's inaccessible. She's dead as well. She works at a dry cleaner's on metropolitan.
What's wrong with you? She's a little upset with me. Why is that? I killed her father. It's okay, it's okay. |
TheOnion | Rep_Seeks_Retroactive_Immunity_For_Anyone_Who_Hit_On_First_Lady_Last_Night | Madam Speaker, I will now read the text of H.R. 517, the First Lady Impunity Act, which would grant immediate and retroactive immunity to any person or persons who got extremely drunk and tried to kiss Michelle Obama at a recent White House function. Section 1, the sighting of unusual circumstances that may have led to the aforementioned shameful acts. Subsection A, the constant offers of white wine to congressmen who rarely drink, especially any that came to the event with an empty stomach but have a severe nut allergy so can't really eat past hors d'oeuvres. Subsection B, the exceptionally friendly nature of the First Lady's casual banter, which could be mistaken for flirting by someone in a compromised mental state. Immunity would extend to any and all activities leading up to the unfortunate incident, including Subsection A, complimenting Michelle Obama's fashion sense while touching the sleeve of her dress. Subsection B, telling Mrs. Obama that women in power are so sensual. Subsection C, surprising the First Lady by sneaking up from behind and delicately placing one's fingertips on her hips and whispering, now's our chance. Subsection D, calling Mrs. Obama, quote, a beautiful queen and so fierce. A subsection F, leaning in and attempting to take Michelle Obama in his arms and kiss her. And subsection F1, after recognition of the pity and disgust in the First Lady's eyes, attempting to play it off like he wasn't even trying to kiss her. He just stumbled forwards accidentally. |
SaturdayNightLive | monday_night_football_buccaneers_vs_vikings_snl | This teflon-coated roof will be vibrating tonight as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers battle the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football. Hello everybody, I'm now Michaels. the Buccaneers, who are tied for first place, are about to take on the undefeated Vikings in what should be a thriller then tomorrow night on Abc. from a single girl to mother of two in six states flat, the Gina Davis Show. I'm joined now by Dan Fouts. Hey Al. Dan, it seems to me that the Buccaneers and the Vikings are serious Super Bowl favorites. that's right, Al. Tampa Bay is an excellent, excellent football team. but the Vikings have a great football team too. Al, my prediction is that whoever puts the most points on the scoreboard will probably win tonight's football game. Oh, the expertise of a true Nfl great. for an injury report, let's go to Melissa Stark. Hi Al.
Tampa Bay Running Back. Warwick Dunn is out for the third straight game after tearing the medial lateral ligament in his left knee. Now this is a guy who's averaged 4.6 yards at carry, Al.
You know, Al, you may not take me seriously because I'm a woman wearing a lavender sweater set from Club Monaco. But I'll tell you one thing, Al, I know my football. that girl's got something. she's got a real spark. And that's all right with me, Al.
Well, we're joined now by Dennis Miller. dinner's Tampa Bay coach, Tony Dungy. What do you think? Well, folks, tonight's Pigskin competition will involve more offensive strategy than an Albert Speer-designed German Blitzkrieg. On one side, we've got Dennis Green, a draft pick virtuoso. And not to mention a guy who stole Eldridge Cleaver's afro. on the other side of the ball, we've got the Bucko skipper, Tony Dungy, who's created a pass rush that's about as volatile as Dennis Hopper after a three-day Crystal Meth binge, right?
By any measure, wide receiver Randy Moss scores more often than Leo Dicaprio at an Nsync concert in the Mall of America during a Lunar Eclipse. Tampa Bay losers. Tonight, there'll be understudies in the Boca Raton dinner-theater production of Les Mis with Warren Sapp as Jean Valjean. isn't that right, Albina? Warren Samp, perhaps the most feared man in the Nfc, and this Friday on Abc, it's Madigan Man. hey, Al, I saw the Madigan Man pilot. it's got fewer laughs than Molly Bloom's internal monologue at the end of Jimmy Joyce's Ulysses.
I love this guy, Al. it's like attending Halley Joe Lawson's birthday party at a Benihana. I, uh. Dennis, you lost me on that one, buddy. you know, a lot has been made about the great running banks. who better to discuss it? here's Eric Dickerson. my man, uh, who's about it about it? Uh, don't tell your coke, baby, who's about it about it? don't tell his the bomb. like, he paid for three Thursday last week. I asked Don Tack about the Tampa Bay D, but Don Tack said he not worried about that. I told him, uh, you got to get your freak on, kid. He said, Eric, I'm a baller. I'm a snapper. Well, thoughtful commentary from the former Ram. and thoughtful drama this Wednesday on Abc's Gideon's Crossing.
Dan quarterback, Sean King, your take. Al, Sean King knows how to throw the football, Ok? And a quarterback who's able to take that football from the snap, throw that football up into the air, into the hands of the receiver, as he's running down the field. really, that'll help this football team score a touchdown. And that's what this game's all about.
For an injury update, let's go back to Melissa Stark. Hi, Al. Vikings tackle Toni Williams may not play due to a groin injury. I don't know firsthand what that feels like, Al, but you probably don't understand the pain of childbirth either, Al. Now, Al, I know it's awkward for you to be working with a woman, but I wish you would say hi to me in the hallway sometimes. hopefully in time, Al, you won't see me as a threat, but as a colleague, who knows her football. I like this lady, Al, I really do.
Dan, it looks like you're sprouting some wood there, Bud. I haven't seen a package that tight since I got a cod from Teddy Kaczynski. We're just two minutes away from kickoff here at the Metrodome, and I think all of you Monday Night Football fans will agree that this new crew that I'm working with makes me truly lucky to have worked with theumer of Siacen. we'll be right back after this. |
cracked | why_scar_is_secretly_the_good_guy_in_lion_king_disney_parody_today_s_topic | How messed up is it that the parents are like you? My son. My handsome son.
We shall name you Mufasa. A brave, proud sounding name. Hey you, the little lion with the hideous disfiguring scar you'll probably be self-conscious about forever. We'll call you Scar. Scar just came to me.
Okay, first of all, in the prequel, the parents, Ahadi and Ur. Oh, okay, I don't want to talk to you anymore.
Wouldn't have been in charge of picking the names. According to the naming ceremony, Rafiki, or his predecessor, is in charge of that. Super. Second of all, they named him Taka. According to the prequels, he gave himself that name after getting a cut on his face as a kid.
And zero of all, Taka means dirt or trash in Swahili, so point to me. Wow, between the two of us, we know a lot of very specific things. Oh yeah, we're exactly the same. You watched the Lion King prequels and I learned Swahili. Yes, exactly the same, but the name stuff is nothing.
What you should be worried about. Okay, to be clear, I'm not worried about any of this. You should be worried about the overall message.
Of Lion King? The circle of life! Love is... we like it.
Okay, what happens when Mufasa meets up with Scar at the big gun? We just cursed at you in Swahili. I really bet that you didn't. We learn that Scar doesn't come to Simba's naming ceremony because he's a dick, so... No, we learn that Mufasa's main strength is his literal strength.
Scar was always smarter. That's how he was able to manipulate everyone and rally the hyenas together. Are hyenas so hard to rally? And when Scar takes over, using cunning, everything falls to shit.
Disney is basically saying that intelligence is not an important quality for a leader. No, because eventually Simba takes over, and he's pretty smart. Also not evil. Why? What has Simba proven to the people he wants to lead? He ran away as a cub, far from Zazu and Rafiki, his tutor and spiritual guide, and didn't grow up with an occasion. He just got strong.
All he learned was Hakuna Matata, which just means... Ah, there isn't a problem. Literal translation. Alright, Hakuna your Tadas. It means no worries in adorable song form, and it means don't think in analogical form.
He was raised to be strong, aloof and thoughtless by a rat and a pig, and Disney is telling you that those are the desired qualities for a leader. And sure, he's nicer maybe, but is that all you really want in a king? No, they're not saying that, because Simba didn't immediately become a good leader. In Lion King 2, Simba's pride?
Never saw it. Well, Simba has to... wait, you saw Lion King and the prequels, but you didn't see the sequel? Well, I saw the prequels first, and the original last night. Most of it, I fell asleep like halfway through, but I'm gonna like skim it and lunch, and I'll get the pieces I need. Anyway, at the end of Lion King, Simba takes over the Pride Lands, and there's all these lionesses, right, that still kind of respect Scar, and Simba banishes them to the Outlands, a horrible, waterless nightmare.
So?
At least scarred and banished people just for still loving the old king. These lionesses grew up in Scar's service. One of them has borne him a child, a child destined to be next in line for the throne until Simba banishes him. There were as many outsiders as there were Pride Landers there, so Simba essentially exiled half of his population just because they didn't agree with him. Kings banish their enemies all the time. Some hang traitors. I think exile is a step up. But he doesn't even try to reason with them. These lionesses only know following Scar.
Then some dude who's supposed to be dead shows up and says, I killed Mufasa. Then a big fight breaks out, and then their king, Scar, under duress says, no, it's fine. I killed Mufasa. I heard Scar did kill Mufasa.
But you can see how that scene might look sketchy to onlookers, right? They might not be ready to immediately swear loyalty to this strange lion that blew him out of the jungle during a drought, singing no worries, and at least briefly admitted to being a patricidal king slayer. You know? They might say, hey, I need a little time. Some more evidence. This is a lot to digest, even for me.
And I'm a f***ing lion. Oh, what's that? I'm banned? I have to go live in the outlands where nothing grows and we will surely die?
Okay, cool. Our new king seems super cool.
I'm sure he had a good reason. Bad lionesses, I bet. No. Because at the end of the movie, he learns the lesson that he should unban them. And he only changes his mind because his son falls in love with Scar's daughter. So he's like, you know, our kids want to f***. That's a pretty good reason not to doom half of our people to extinction. Say what you will about Scar. He never banished a bunch of the people to death.
So Lion King 2 is about the children of warring factions falling in love. So Lion King is Hamlet and Lion King 2 is Romeo and Juliet.
I don't know. Don't read a lot of Shakespeare. Wow. Between the two of us, we do not know a lot of very specific things.
Thank you for watching today's topic about the Lion King. Hey guys, you get what I'm saying. But if you're interested, there's another thing I want to tell you about, which is that we, the crack denizens, are going to be appearing in San Diego at the Comedy Palace this Saturday, January 17th at 7 30. And if you're interested in coming to see us, you're going to find a link on this page that'll give you all the information and allow you to buy tickets. So hope to see you at the thing I said. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | The_Gender_Pay_Gap_Has_Been_Defeated_with_Cupcakes_and_A_Hardworking_Couple_About_to_Do_Their_Ars_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly fucking bulletin, we've got the editors here and Wendell Hussey, editors being myself, plenty overall and editor-at-large Earl Parker. What's going on you lot? Oh not much mate, just you know, got through another week, here we are, it's good. I know that last week I told a lot of listeners that I was deeply engaged in the Sunshine Life Church, that's since come to an end, but look I don't want to dwell on it, Wendell how was your week? Yeah pretty good, excited to be back for episode 290, we saw the credit card transactions.
Yeah well look, it also didn't help that I was leaving church the other day. The guy who's the lead guitarist in the church band, he has this like a Pekingese dog, so I was leaving church on Monday nights, came flying around the corner as I was late to go to the pub and watch the footy, I've hit this dog and I thought no one saw me, so I just kept on going, as you do, and then just denied, denied, denied, and anyway I get to the pub and then half of the parishioners come to the pub to you know confront me and I'm like nah nah it wasn't me, it wasn't me and then they take me outside and this dog leash is hanging out the back of the commie. But it also goes off like a car alarm too, when you hit a dog like that, so it would have alerted every single person. And then they've got CCTV. But see I think that would have been a lesson, wouldn't it Errol, that you know you shouldn't have been going to the pub, you shouldn't have been racing, you shouldn't have hit that dog.
The dog didn't even need to go to the vet, like it's fine, like no harm no foul. I've got some good community news I want to share.
You do? I do yeah. What? I woke up at 3.30 last night because someone sent it absolutely sideways, I live on a street corner there, and someone sent it absolutely sideways going down there at 3.30am last night, which I thought, it's good to see there's still some hoons getting around.
You don't get that in Lake Batuta anymore do you? No you don't. You don't get it.
What drifting? Oh yeah. No like old fashioned like, ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. Old fashioned drifting and hammered it up the little side street he went into. I wish I saw it, I heard it, but I really really wish I saw it. Like this? No, stop stop, we can't license that song. It'll be fine.
I got up to look and see if I could see the car come back around and then there was someone putting something in the bin at 3.30am in the morning which was, I don't know why you would be doing, it just made me think what the fuck was going on there but. Do you think it was another one of these gangland hits? Was it maybe a stolen car? I just, I like to think it's just some teenagers out there having a bit of fun. Anyway we've admitted to multiple crimes, every one of us here except for Wendell. Because all he woke up to, he just woke up to a car.
So Errol's admitted to running over his priest pet. Yeah but it didn't die, it wasn't the priest pet it was the lead guitarist of the church band.
Jeremy? Yeah it was Jeremy's dog, so you obviously know Jeremy but this, that pales in comparison to the time that you and I were going to Brisbane to hop on the plane to go to the Formula 1, we went over to that bloke's house and got some magic mushrooms and we were over there for ages and he insisted that we try some and you had a bit of a like, a bit of a reaction to it and you had to go out on the balcony for a little bit and then all of a sudden this bloke's French bulldog just comes bounding through the house and while I'm talking to this bloke the dog goes out on the balcony and it corners you as I'm talking to this guy I see you pick up this dog and throw it off the balcony. I thought there was a pool below, it wasn't it was a glass, it looked like an infinity pool but it was like a glass, it was a wedding venue so down the bottom they had like a glass dance floor which was lit up from the bottom and blew lights. Before he realised he didn't have a dog anymore so we had to go downstairs and I had to pick the dog up off Greens Road and put it in a council bin. Another dog anecdote from personal lives.
I know, yeah let's kill the meaty side down. Anyway, now let's talk about news that doesn't involve us, what's going on in the world Wendell? There's some really good news, we're going to start off with a great feel good story.
The gender pay gap has been defeated after a bulk order of office cupcakes. That's right, that's the secret. The issue that blokes with neckbeards never say existed in the first place is no more so people can stop fighting on the internet and saying mean things about each other moving forward. But how did we beat the gender wage gap you may ask? Well, a local finance firm here in our very own town of Batuta managed to overcome the issue that sees women earn 13% less than men and hundreds of thousands less over the course of their careers by ordering a big box of purple frosted cupcakes.
It was very nice and the blokes made sure to order it themselves as well and pack up afterwards too. Is purple the woman colour? So yeah, it used to be pink and we had to stop doing that in our office. Yeah, it's good with the whole pink blue thing, I think purple's a little bit more nuanced. Yeah, I thought it was a good gesture and it solved the gender wage gap, at least in this firm and hopefully in our workplace, I've looked at the books recently.
Men's rights activists will need to move on to something else, but I'm sure they'll find something. Halal food, that's next, bring it back.
Some technology news now and boasts have unveiled new noise cancelling headphones that are capable of blocking out Americans. Every week you just get reminded of how far we've come as a species. And this week Bose, the company famous for their suite of quality earbuds and over-the-ear headphones has announced that their latest release, the Quiet Comfort 55, which are so powerful they'll turn the ear-splitting squawks of any American tourist into a barely audible whisper. Yes, now this is something which you actually have to see to believe, I reckon, but they sent us a free pair of headphones to write this article and I tried them, yeah, they work.
I went down there to Daru Street where they have that juice bar that the tourists like to visit and there was a man there who worked in tech, I'm not sure what that stands for, technical or technology. Tech bro, infotech, fintech, those buzzwords, I don't know. He worked in tech and he was down there talking about cryptocurrencies or AI or something like that and I put them on and stood directly, I looked at him directly in the eye and put these on and it was like, basically it went like, oh my god, have you had the maple syrup in Vermont?
Headphones from Sony are way better and my friends in Japan know how to make a Land Cruiser and they know how to make a quality set of headphones. That's an interesting point to make though. I will die by my Sonys. Just a quick note as well, brought to you by Bose, as well as masking Yankee tourists, you can also silence Sunday morning leaf blowers, music from local pubs and clubs and the sound of millennials whining about whatever they are whining about this week. A bit of a generation.
Is this a real ad? No. I was about to say, this is some buma core shit, isn't it? Slow news week in this fucking town, isn't it? Anyway, what's up next? Now we've got a sad story.
Interest rates went up again this week. You heard a lot about it.
We spoke to a hardworking young couple in town who did everything right, but are now in negative equity and nearly broke. Errol Parker, you spoke to them? Yeah, a Battuta Heights couple that's sacrificed and saved by their first home in our town's aspirational suburbs have now revealed to the advocate that they're about to do their collective arse. Doug and Nadine Cartwright said they bought during the pandemic housing frenzy because they didn't want to be the only one left with a Meritan shit box when the music stopped. They didn't want to be the only ones renting in the friendship group, so they scrimped, they saved, they raided their super, they did everything just to get into the property market. They also thought that interest rates wouldn't be going up for at least a couple of years, but they're now in a mortgage prison facing extreme mortgage press with the property they bought dropping drastically in value and their mortgage repayments going drastically up. Doug and Nadine say they don't really have any options other than to try and white knuckle it through if they can.
It reminds me a lot of a Bon Jovi song that came out about Johnny, who used to work on the docks. They're living on a prayer, these young people. They've been lied to, they've been manipulated, they've lived through two major recessions in their lifetime as well as a pandemic, and now what looks to be a global, I would say, world war with what's happening in Europe at the moment.
In where? In the Ukraine? In the Ukraine, they were watching cartoons as children when they saw hijacked aeroplanes flown into the World Trade Center.
I don't think they've had it that easy, these young people. Yeah, well, investing in property in this country is unfortunately a gamble, and these people, despite doing everything right, they've fucked their lives up. So you win some and you lose some, I guess.
You know what the rental rate in Vienna, Austria, is? Where the fuck's that? Austria. Where Hitler's from. Oh, right. Oh, I thought you were talking about somewhere down the road, because then I'd give a fuck if it's in some left-leaning shithole in Europe.
70% rentals. 70% of total rent, and they cap the prices as like 400 euro. I'm guessing the state owns a lot of that.
Yes. Well, they're also very rich. Nice. Well, they had a world war. Yeah. Here's my question to you lot.
I mean, I obviously am part of a buy-in strata set up as a homeowner. I'm interested, if you burn your house down and make it look like an accident, like a pub owner, so you can't do an insurance job on your house like a publican? No, I had this argument with a copper. I'm like, what happens if I burn my own house down on purpose? Is that arson? And he goes, yes. You don't tell them you did it on purpose. Yeah, I know, but the dogs will come. I don't think anyone gets payouts if they purposely burn down their house. But they'll be able to know if you burn it down. It's like, oh, someone spilled a can of petrol down the hallway and then fucking threw a match in it.
But how do pubs do it? How do you accidentally leave the stove on when you go to sleep? How do pubs do it? What, so you die in your sleep from smoke inhalation? You make sure no one else is down there, you just go out the window when you start hearing it. How do pubs do it?
Well, in the pub game, if you cast your mind back to the cult hit, Pulp Fiction, and they've got that guy called the wolf who comes to fix everything. There's people in the pub sector who operate in that area, in that they know how to burn down a pub and make it look like it's so convincing. And whoever ensures an old pub in a regional town is just waiting to get reamed.
So sometimes you can just commit a perfect crime. And when you rip off an insurance company, there's no victims.
I heard a rumor about a good way for anyone listening, if you want to burn down your house to avoid mortgage stress, is you get a large block of ice. Get it from Ithaca Iceworks. Obviously pay with cash or maybe get a mate to go and get it for you.
And you leave an array of candles on top of that with cotton wool buds dipped in kerosene. They're just enough kerosene to light and to continue up the string into the wooden floorboards underneath your Queensland house, but not enough to be detected when the police roll through. You can have a two-day alibi by the time the ice melts and the candle tips over onto a cotton bud.
That's not what you do. You don't take the lint out of your dryer and you constantly run it and eventually it'll catch on fire. Anyway, there's plenty of options out there for young people who are in the situation of Doug and Nadine. Just don't do what Wendell said and light a fire and then go to sleep. I think go to sleep. Because you will die. Yeah, just pour petrol on the floor of your house and then light it on fire and then burn the house down around you.
You should probably get a payout for that. Anyway, got a lot to learn. I think we might just leave it there for this week. I think that'll do it for the news wrap.
It's been a long one this week. Particularly long. I feel sorry for everyone involved.
Thank you for tuning in and we'll see you next week. Hooroo! See you for 291. Au revoir. |
cracked | why_bugs_bunny_is_the_most_progressive_character_of_all_time_today_s_topic | Hey, did you see, uh, Laverne Cox, first transgendered woman to make the cover of Time Magazine? Wasn't Bugs Bunny on it once? No, he wasn't. I'm making my business to know Time Magazine covers. Also, how about you try participating in a conversation for once instead of just immediately derailing it? All I meant was, Bugs was one of the first transgendered characters, and he's iconic enough that I just assumed he'd made Time Magazine's cover, but I see that he didn't now.
I was wrong. It's fine. Everything is fine. Now I see how you're wrong.
Bugs Bunny is not transgendered, buddy. He's just a rabbit from Brooklyn who may or may not have retired to Albuquerque. Okay, what about all the times he dresses up like a woman?
What's your hurry, boy? Wouldn't you, if you were escaping from murderous hunters? I wouldn't, but different strokes. It's a disguise.
One of many that he uses. Sometimes he's a doctor, a king, a cowboy, a freakin' lamp. Not a convincing lamp, but grandpa. Well, but those aren't his go-to.
Eighty percent of the time, if Bugs is in a jam and he needs to escape, he's gonna dress up like a woman and seduce his antagonist. Because it's a very effective disguise. Gave me a lot of confusing feelings when I was a child. Exactly. Every time he dresses up like a woman, his pursuers can't tell the difference because they're so programmed that they think gender is a binary construct, and Bugs is exploiting that. Oh, it's one of our faults. Sorry, Scarlet Man. To escape from danger. Not really. Most of the time, Bugs kinda hangs around and flirts with him or even just kisses the villain instead of sashaying to freedom. Plus, every time he puts on a dress and a wig, the villains get more grope-y than like Pepe the Pew. So you're implying that Bugs dresses as a woman because he wants creepy aggressive sexual attention from the villains.
How about you call Laverne Cox up and share that theory with her? I would love to see how that goes.
As a male, Bugs' entire life is full of distress and danger. As a female, though, he's treated with love and affection.
All be it a little forcefully. Mama, baby, dad. Wow. No one's gonna argue that the Looney Tunes universe isn't a little hateful. Sure. And if it was just a way to survive, you'd be right, but we occasionally get clues from Bugs when the villain's not even around.
Like he's always being shown cleaning or cooking his place, which for that error is traditionally female work. Sometimes he's even depicted with an apron or with his ears tied up in a bun. He has towels in his place that say his and hair's, overtly implying that his gender is at least a little conflicting. Or that he loves hair-larious puns, buns, bunnies.
Also or was spelled O-A-R. More of a homophone than a pun.
Okay, there's one episode where Bugs hops into a phone booth to change into Super Rabbit and then pops out with a Bo Peep costume and embarrassingly explains, Pardon me. Wrong costume. Why does he even have that costume? What's he using that for?
I feel I have to point out that later Bugs is much more traditionally male. I mean, Space Jam, he falls in love with that sexy lady rabbit, Lola, and he lives with Daffy in a bachelor pad in the cartoons that I still watch. Plus, since you brought up more recent incarnations, what about Tiny Tune Adventures? Bugs works at Acne Looniversity as a professor of wisecracking. Cush, gig. Tiny Tune Adventures gave each major Looney Tunes character a younger analog. So Daffy had Plucky, Porky had Hampton, Taz had Dizzy, Sylvester had Furball. Bugs, on the other hand, had two younger analogs, Buster and Babs Bunny, meaning that in order to capture everything that Bugs is, you have to have both genders. What about Elmer? His younger analog is an adolescent girl who loves animals in a borderline psychosexual way.
What are you talking about? Elmira, Duff, Elmer, Fudd, you didn't make that connection. It's a cartoon, man. I'm trying to talk about important issues here, and you're talking cartoons.
It's fine. Man, it's fine. Everything is fine.
Any refills here? Hello. You're very attractive. You are of face, and the rest, the whole party. Hi.
My sorry is because how I bet you hear this all the time. This exact thing? I bet not. Stop it! I'm doing great! |
cracked | we_figured_out_the_name_of_the_fight_club_narrator_yboc | Oh hey there, little children of history, it's me, Dr. Jordan Brady and since I already broke the third rule of Fight Club, we might as well keep going and break the first two. You're watching Your Brain Uncracked, the show where I drink delicious Starbucks throughout and the only show on crack that's a little desperate. Yum! Today I diagnose... Once the dust, credit card companies, and Jared Leto's dislodged teeth settled at the conclusion of Fight Club, America's most pressing concern will be figuring out whether the narrator was named Tyler Durden or if he was intended to have any name at all. I am Jack's colon. Fight Club never tells us what's on the narrator's driver's license, but fortunately for you, I do know what's written there.
And it's not just that he's an organ donor. These guys are going to take your balls. The narrator has a solid Christian name, Ralphie Parker. That's right.
As we all suspected, the adorable, bespectacled child from A Christmas Story one day beats the lead singer 30 seconds to Mars until on its face is a map of the world. And how do I know this? The protagonists of both A Christmas Story and its sequel, Fight Club, love narrating their life stories. The only problem is, neither of them know what the hell they're talking about. Fragile! It must be Italian! It's safe to wonder if a single thing the narrator says is true.
I mean, he creates a separate identity he himself is entirely unaware of and blames most of his actions on the fictional Tyler Durden. He remembers virtually nothing of his relationship with Marla Singer, and he's apparently forgotten acquiring the skill sets necessary to craft bombs out of soap and soap out of nasty ass human ass fat. Remember, Fight Club is set in a time before Google and Tinder, when making bombs and love took a little extra effort. The narrator even schemes an incredibly complicated operation to eliminate all credit card debt without remembering his single detail. That's Jason Bourne-level amnesia, and there's no reason to trust any aspect of his story. Just like we should never trust any Jason Bourne movie after Ultimatum.
Similarly, the story related by Sweet Sweet Ralphie is riddled with more anachronisms than America's developmental history in your average Civilization III campaign. A Christmas Story appears to be set in 1940, though it's narrated by an older wiser Ralphie from the 1980s. Mr. Parker's car registration is dated 1940, Ralphie's decoder pen is the 1940s speed-o-matic, and Mrs. Parker owns a stack of Look magazines from the late 1930s. But everything else in Ralphie's story evidently fell through some sort of time vortex. Ralphie's three-hinged glasses weren't invented until the 1980s, Scott's braces didn't exist before the 1970s, Mr. Parker's type of bowling ball was impossible before the 1960s, and racial integration in Indiana classrooms wasn't legalized until 1949. Did Ralphie frequently imagine a utopic feature with expanded racial equality and customizable bowling ball color choices? Or is he struggling to remember what his childhood was like because he's only recounting what he THINKS 1940 was like? Ralphie's inability to accurately recollect era-specific details from his childhood cast doubt on other aspects of the story, too.
More on this in a little bit. It was? Yes? Yes! So... poisoning!
A penchant for violence is central to the narrator's character. Not only does he establish a boys-only thumping club, he's prone to punching himself in the face. He bashes in some dude's head to destroy something beautiful and threatens to remove another man's genitals with less remorse than me settling on a Starbucks order because they have so many tasty options. The narrator builds IED, shoots himself in the head, and you get it. He's violent.
Oh! Mother! You hit me in the ear! But remember when the narrator attacked Jared Leto until whether he lived was up in the air?
Well, that's eerily similar to how Ralphie brutalizes Scott. Unless you think that Ralphie's fight is just an example of boys pounding boys, remember Ralphie butchers that kid for like two full minutes, giving no indication of relenting despite Scott's weird, like, protesting and pig squeals. Had Ralphie's mother not intervened, he would have beat Scott's anachronistic braces through the top of his ginger head.
Tiny red-hot little flame began to grow. What's more, literally all Ralphie wants for Christmas is a dangerous weapon, not for shooting cans or defending the bird feeder from aggressive squirrels, but for the express purpose of killing people. When Ralphie dreams of life as the proud owner of a red-rider BB gun, his imagination immediately conjures forth a home invasion scenario where his sharp-shooting skills result in the untimely deaths of four adult men. Is that normal? Do most kids daydream about all the human lives they could extinguish with their Christmas present? Is there some nine-year-old child out there right now plotting to smash a Barbie dream house over a jaywalker's head until they stop moving?
Ralphie may have suppressed these violent urges as he grew older, but eventually they manifested as Tyler Durden and forced their way onto the face of an Oscar-winning clown. We know the narrator imagines an entirely different identity for himself, but that vivid imagination was already present in Ralphie as a kid. Ralphie's daydreams range from getting an A plus on an essay to again having the legal excuse to kill somebody. Both characters had these rich, detailed inner lives which, when coupled with their love of violence, could easily result in the creation of Tyler Durden and Fight Club, and then Project Mayhem. It's like my grandma always said, daydreaming always starts with imagining getting a good grade in school, but it always ends with real-life domestic terrorism and shoot yourself in the face to get rid of your imaginary friends.
And I think she was right. The narrator starts Fight Club in an effort to scrounge up some purpose after a lifespan perusing IKEA catalogs, and Project Mayhem is a nihilistic attempt to obliterate consumer culture entirely. But really, he was disillusioned with capitalism much earlier.
At 9 years old, Ralphie was already realizing giant corporations will do anything to keep you buying, and ultimately, the satisfaction they offer is fleeting. Later, Ralphie rests his hopes and dreams on getting hold of that dope E.B. again, but since everybody refuses to get it for him, you know, because he'll shoot his d**k off, Ralphie goes directly to the king of consumerism himself, Howard Schultz, Santa. But Santa also thinks Ralphie would shoot himself, so Santa also denies his request. To be fair, he was not wrong. In that moment, Ralphie learned that consumerism doesn't just tell us what to buy, but what we are allowed to buy, and ultimately, who we are allowed to be. Advertisements manipulate us to become the kind of docile people who can't stop purchasing pre-approved consumer products like chocolate milk, and Ottomans, and refreshing strawberry lemonade from Starbucks. He didn't understand it when he was 9, but his parents, teachers, and Santa were already laying the foundations for Ralphie's eventual savage break from consumer culture via explosives and underground fisticuffs.
Adulting, am I right? I'm a 30-year-old boy.
Throughout a Christmas story, Ralphie is constantly emasculated by female authority figures, beginning with the claim that he's not man enough to wield the incredible power of a red-rider carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle. And to make matters worse, what Ralphie's mom does get him for Christmas is the most humiliating bunny suit ever crafted by man.
We're happy wearing that. Or demons.
See, Ralphie's dad encouraged violence and bought him guns, but Ralphie's mom is the one that stopped his fight with scut by physically restraining him in the most humiliating fashion possible. Ralphie later identifies with strong male figures like Tyler Durden as part of his disgust being a member of a generation of men raised by women. All because his mom wouldn't buy him a gun or allow him to beat a kid to death?
That fuck match. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh!
The narrator, for his part, seems thoroughly unable to connect with Marla and sees her as a threat. She forces him out of most of his support groups, including notably one for testicular cancer, and when they do hook up, he's not even aware it's happening. If ever there was a way to be emotionally uninvolved with a woman, it's to pretend that it's not even you doing the nasty but your imaginary friend, who also totally looks like a late-90s Brad Pitt. You don't finish her off? No.
The seed planted in Ralphie when he was a kid finally blossoms into full-blown misogyny by the time he's an adult automobile recall specialist. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need. Speaking of Ralphie's weird dad and strange relationships with women, a large part of Ralphie's story revolves around his erotic fascination with the leg lamp and its soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window. Yeah, statue. Ralphie? Never in the film is Ralphie interested in any actual girls or women. They're either emasculating authoritarians or sex lamps. It's indescribably beautiful! Indeed, Ralphie's budding sexuality is further complicated by the rough relationship between his father and mother. His mother's destruction of his father's literal idol to sex becomes yet another metaphor for female-driven emasculation.
Did you touch that? You are always jealous. Put all of this together, and there could be no doubt that this violent, sexually confused, oft-emasculated kid one day starts a hyper-violent fight club alongside his imaginary hyper-masculine friend who cobangs chicks he refuses to care about. Everything you want to say? Yeah. No, you don't.
But all of this is pointless if the two characters are too far apart in age. After all, if Ralphie's 9 years old in 1940, that'd put him close to 68 years old around the time of fight club. Like so many others, I had become a slave to the IKEA nesting instinct. There are two easy ways around this problem. Firstly, Ralphie probably just straight lies about his age. As I already mentioned, his story includes things that didn't exist until the 1980s. Ralphie's probably an adult in 1983, given the man voice that he's narrating with. Only I didn't say fudge. But even if we just push it up 20 years and say he was born in 1960, that'd make him only in his late 30s by the time of fight club. Even if you think the narrator still doesn't look quite that old, what the hell does he look like? For all we know, he could be a spry 68-year-old who imagines himself as a 30-something.
My tits gonna rot off. And that might be pushing it, but it's tough to accept any aspects of the narrator's retelling as completely visually factual. After all, this is a movie full of subtle visual sleight of hand tricks like randomly inserted single frames of pornography and constant background Starbucks cups, which is a great idea because, yum, I couldn't sleep. Yeah, alright. I betrayed my knowledge of 30 Seconds to Mars back catalog, threw everyone off the scent of my leg lamp fetish, and undeniably proved that the narrator and Ralphie are the same person beyond a shadow of a doubt, so help me God, that is it. Anyway, be sure to check with Kathy, ugh, a woman, on your way out for some drugs for your testicular cancer.
Guys, I want to be honest with you because I pride myself on my honesty and my transparency. I haven't been honest with you.
I am not a real owner of a placard. These are Scrabble tiles. I'm sorry if I let anyone stray or if I insinuated that this was a real placard, but it's not. I don't own one. I may never own one, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise to do better. If you like and subscribe, maybe I'll get a real placard, like a real doctor. I'm so sorry.
Mr. Parker's type of bowling ball was impossible before the 1960s, and racial integration in Indiana classrooms wasn't legalized until 1949. Did Rafi frequently imagine a utopic feature with expanded racial equality and customizable bowling ball color choices?
Or is he struggling to remember what his childhood was like because he's only recounting what he thinks 1940 was like? Rafi's inability to accurately recollect era-specific details from his childhood cast doubt on other aspects of the story, too.
More on this in a little bit. It was? Yes? Yes! So... poisoning!
A penchant for violence is central to the narrator's character. Not only does he establish a boys-only thumping club, he's prone to punching himself in the face. He bashes in some dude's head to destroy something beautiful and threatens to remove another man's genitals with less remorse than me settling on a Starbucks order because they have so many tasty options. The narrator builds IED, shoots himself in the head, and you get it. He's violent.
Mother! You hit me in the ear! But remember when the narrator attacked Jared Leto until whether he lived was up in the air?
Well, that's eerily similar to how Rafi brutalizes Scott. Lest you think that Rafi's fight is just an example of boys pounding boys, remember Rafi butchers that kid for like two full minutes, giving no indication of relenting despite Scott's weird, like, protesting and pig squeals. Had Rafi's mother not intervened, he would have beat Scott's anachronistic braces through the top of his ginger head.
Tiny red-hot little flame began to grow. Once more, literally all Rafi wants for Christmas is a dangerous weapon, not for shooting cans or defending the bird feeder from aggressive squirrels, but for the express purpose of killing people. When Rafi dreams of a life as the proud owner of a Red Rider BB gun, his imagination immediately conjures forth a home invasion scenario, where his sharp shooting skills result in the untimely deaths of four adult men. Is that normal? Do most kids daydream about all the human lives they could extinguish with their Christmas present? Is there some 9-year-old child out there right now plotting to smash a Barbie dream house over Jay Walker's head until they stop moving?
Rafi may have suppressed these violent urges as he grew older, but eventually they manifested as Tyler Durden and forced their way onto the face of an Oscar-winning clown. We know the narrator imagines an entirely different identity for himself, but that vivid imagination was already present in Rafi as a kid. Rafi's daydreams range from getting an A plus on an essay to again having an illegal excuse to kill somebody. Most of the characters had these rich, detailed inner lives which, when coupled with their love of violence, could easily result in the creation of Tyler Durden and then Fight Club and then Project Man. It's like my grandma always said, daydreaming always starts with imagining getting a good grade in school, but it always ends with real life domestic terrorism and shooting yourself in the face to get rid of your imaginary friends.
And I think she was right. The narrator starts Fight Club in an effort to scrounge up some purpose after a life spent perusing IKEA catalogs and Project Mayhem has a nihilistic attempt to obliterate consumer culture entirely. But really, he was disillusioned with capitalism much earlier.
When Rafi so desperately wants to learn little orphan Annie's secret message, he drinks an ungodly amount of Ovaltine to qualify for the necessary Dakota rank. But what does the message actually say? Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.
At nine years old, Rafi was already realizing giant corporations will do anything to keep you buying, and ultimately, the satisfaction they offer is fleeting. It's a dildo. Later, Rafi rests his hopes and dreams on getting hold of that dope he began, but since everybody refuses to get it for him, you know, because he'll shoot his d**k off, Rafi goes directly to the king of consumerism himself, Howard Schultz, Santa. But Santa also thinks Rafi would shoot himself, so Santa also denies his request. To be fair, he was not wrong. In that moment, Rafi learned that consumerism doesn't just tell us what to buy, but what we are allowed to buy, and ultimately, who we are allowed to be. Advertisements manipulate us to become the kind of docile people who can't stop purchasing pre-approved consumer products like chocolate milk, and Ottomans, and refreshing strawberry lemonade from Starbucks. He didn't understand it when he was nine, but his parents, teachers, and Santa were already laying the foundations for Rafi's eventual savage break from consumer culture, via explosives and underground fisticuffs. Hah, adulting, am I right?
Throughout a Christmas story, Rafi is constantly emasculated by female authority figures, beginning with the claim that he's not man enough to wield the incredible power of a red-rider carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle. And to make matters worse, what Rafi's mom does get him for Christmas is the most humiliating bunny suit ever crafted by man. See, Rafi's dad encouraged violence and bought him guns, but Rafi's mom is the one that stopped his fight with scut by physically restraining him in the most humiliating fashion possible. Rafi later identifies with strong male figures like Tyler Durden as part of his disgust being a member of a generation of men raised by women. All because his mom wouldn't buy him a gun, or allow him to beat a kid to death? That f**k match. The narrator for his part seems thoroughly unable to connect with Marla, and sees her as a threat. She forces him out of most of his support groups, including notably one for testicular cancer, and when they do hook up, he's not even aware it's happening. If ever there is a way to be emotionally uninvolved with a woman, it's to pretend that it's not even you doing the nasty, but your imaginary friend, who also totally looks like a late-90s Brad Pitt. The seed planted in Rafi when he was a kid finally blossoms into full-blown misogyny by the time he's an adult automobile recall specialist. Speaking of Rafi's weird dad and strange relationships with women, a large part of Rafi's story revolves around his erotic fascination with the leg lamp and its soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window. Never in the film is Rafi interested in any actual girls or women. They're either emasculating authoritarians or sex lambs. Indeed, Rafi's budding sexuality is further complicated by the rough relationship between his father and mother. His mother's destruction of his father's literal idol to sex becomes yet another metaphor for female-driven emasculation. Put all of this together, and there could be no doubt that this violent, sexually confused, oft emasculated kid one day starts a hyper-violent fight club alongside his imaginary hyper-masculine friend who cobangs chicks he refuses to care about.
But all of this is pointless if the two characters are too far apart in age. After all, if Rafi's 9 years old in 1940, that'd put him close to 68 years old around the time of Fight Club. Like so many others, I had become a slave to the IKEA nesting instinct. There are two easy ways around this problem.
Firstly, Rafi probably just straight lies about his age. As I already mentioned, his story includes things that didn't exist until the 1980s. Rafi's probably an adult in 1983, given the man voice that he's narrating with. But even if we just push it up 20 years and say he was born in 1960, that'd make him only in his late 30s by the time of Fight Club. Even if you think the narrator still doesn't look quite that old, what the hell does he look like? For all we know, he could be a spry 68-year-old who imagines himself as a 30-something.
And that might be pushing it, but it's tough to accept any aspects of the narrator's retelling as completely visually factual. After all, this is a movie full of subtle visual sleight of hand tricks like randomly inserted single frames of pornography and constant background Starbucks cups, which is a great idea because, yum, I couldn't sleep.
Yeah, alright. I betrayed my knowledge of 30 Seconds to Mars bat catalog, threw everyone off the scent of my leg lamp fetish, and undeniably proved that the narrator and Rafi are the same person beyond a shadow of a doubt, so help me God, that is it. Anyway, be sure to check with Kathy, ugh, a woman, on your way out for some drugs for your testicular cancer. Guys, I want to be honest with you because I pride myself on my honesty and my transparency. I haven't been honest with you.
I am not a real owner of a placard. These are Scrabble tiles. I'm sorry if I let anyone stray or if I insinuated that this was a real placard, but it's not. I don't own one. I may never own one.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise to do better. If you like and subscribe, maybe I'll get a real placard. Like a real doctor. I'm so sorry. |
cracked | who_f_ked_this_pumpkin | I don't want to ruin the night, but my pumpkin's definitely the best. Okay, well for this fabulous $15 Boo Boo Grubs gift card, let's see those pumpkins! Wait, we're showing the pumpkins?
Yeah. Why? To win the thing? Yeah, that's why we're here. Okay! Cody, let's see yours. Well, I thought mine kind of looked like Hugh Jackman. Aha! Yeah, these are my actual old sideburns. So good. See, you shaved and you just held on to it for... Yeah.
That's disgusting. No, it's not that disgusting.
Michael, let's see yours. My sideburns? Because... I don't think I understood the rules of the...
I didn't use any hair or props in production of my pumpkin. That was a weird thing I just did. If you would just stop turning the pumpkin, please stop doing that. Did... Did you f*** that pumpkin? Okay, but... Hi! Who f***ed this pumpkin? Because someone clearly f***ed that pumpkin, it's been f***ed.
And whoever did it is still in this room breathing the same air as me, and I can't... I can't have that.
Look at his face right now. Look at it. Look at his face.
What? I'm not... You're right. F*** the pumpkin! What? In my house? Don't try to explain yourself. Well... No, we're not dumb. We see you. You f*** the pumpkin, Michael. Swain.
How did you even do it? Did you cut that hole or did your hard dick just push?
It's such a thick... It's funny. I mean, it's impressive.
Rap? Okay. I'm gonna level with... Oh! Denz! What? Oh!
Oh, two pumpkin f***ers. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Bah, bah, bah, bah. It's a thing. Well, maybe Katie! F*** you. It could be a joke. Mine. Like an American pie joke. Or... Jack. Oh, lantern. Need something? It could be.
But it's not. Nope.
Ah, yep. Bleach and dogwood trees.
And there's a candle in it for to light your dick. To light your dick?
I've got so many questions. Everything about this is so confounding to me.
It's a burning thing. Hot wax. It's a fetish. It's not okay.
You know what? Yes. Yes, I f***ed this pumpkin. Sure I did. I got all up in those pumpkin guts. And you know what else?
I liked it. I thought it would feel amazing. And then it did. And then it was over. And I felt fine about it.
Mostly. Until now.
Thank you very much. You're welcome.
Is this like a thing? Am I going to go online and find out that it's a whole thing? Nope.
Just me. Come along, Robert. That's right. It's really progressive. Oh, and you know those roasted pumpkin seeds? You've all been enjoying?
Well, they taint. They touch my taint. F*** y'all.
King of the pumpkins. The bigger the pumpkin. Better the pumpkin.
Those seeds are so good. Very delicious.
You can't just... That's not how pumpkin kings are made. You don't just decide.
Do I like taint? Roll sound. Roll camera. And... Action day sitting, but Cody will need to stand. I'll stand. Boner?
Testing.
Boner. Speeding. Boner.
Okay. I think we're good. No, you can't get it. But when you stand, you just have to mix it down. Okay.
The camera's up. |
cracked | why_hunger_games_and_star_wars_are_the_same_movie | Oh, the new Hunger Games looks pretty intense. Mockingjay Part 2? Eh, I liked it better the first time when it was called. The Hunger Games, colon, Mockingjay, colon, part one, question mark?
No. Return of the Jedi. Interrobang? The entire Hunger Games franchise is exactly like the entire Star Wars franchise. Yeah, that's the hero's journey, Joseph Campbell, you know, nobody enters a gauntlet and emerges the most important person in the world, but who cares? That's all movies. Not just that. I've got specifics.
Both movies feature a totalitarian ruling class that demonstrates its power by making its citizens watch as their loved ones get killed. Hunger Games is the capital force of people who watch their children fight to the death every year. And in Star Wars, the Empire makes Leia watch as her entire home planet is blown up.
And both governments are headed by weirdly aggressive white things. You know what I mean? You have President Snow, a weird creepy white guy named Snow. And then you've got the Emperor, you know, a pale, creepy, dead scrotum in a robe.
Sure. So that's the setting. Now, let's get into the protagonists. I'm pretty sure Peta's gotten that taken care of.
No. Yeah. No. Ew. Gross.
So in both cases, we have young, fairly bland characters on the outskirts who have to leave their homes to get thrust into the middle of the action. Luke leaves his home planet after his only known family members die. And Katniss leaves her district, leaving behind her little sister and her mother, who is essentially a zombie at that point. So it's fine. You can leave her behind. They both leave, and then get dropped in this crazy adventure.
This is just hero's journey, OK? I mean, the hero gets a mentor, you know. Luke gets Obi-Wan. Katniss gets Hamish. Right. Hamish and Obi-Wan are both mentors slash surrogate father figures.
They also weirdly both hold back important information from our heroes. Obi-Wan refuses to tell Luke that Vader is his father, and Hamish refuses to clue in Katniss in the fact that he and she are part of this secret rebellion to take down the capital. And in both cases, the information is revealed in the second movie. Oh, and in the second movie, who's Lando in Hunger Games? There's not a perfect one-to-one parallel for Lando, but Cloud City as an idea is represented. So in Empire Strikes Back, we meet Lando and we go to Cloud City, where we're not really sure who can be trusted and where allegiance is alive. Literally, in the second Hunger Games, Katniss is thrown together with Plutarch, the game maker, and Finnick and Joanna, and she's not really sure who's on her side and who might end up trying to kill her.
Yeah. Both second movies were super disorienting in that way. Also super sad. Yes. The second movie. The Downer movie. How does Empire Strikes Back end? The hero gets his shit fucked up, he gets his hand chopped off. His buddy gets captured, frozen, and everybody's sad. Right. And how does the second Hunger Games movie end? Her hero gets her shit fucked up. She gets electrocuted, her buddy gets captured and brainwashed, and oh no. Does that mean PETA is hun? Afraid so. Bummer. Yeah. Really imperfect, half-baked love triangles in both movies, too. You know what I mean? You've got Luke and Leia and hun, and then you've got PETA and Katniss and Gail, and there's clearly somebody who just does not belong, you know? Yeah. Love triangles are stupid and hard and unrealistic. But I still feel like we're hero's journeying here, okay? I mean, in the second act, second movie, the hero, heroine, is at their lowest, okay?
I mean, and who's Yoda? Lenny Kravitz. Lenny Kravitz is Yoda.
And that's not stupid? Okay. That is a nonsense sentence. That's a nonsense-sense.
Luke and Katniss both have their obvious main mentors, but they also get these weird secondary mentors. Luke learns how to harness the power of the Force from Yoda via piggybacking and stuff. And Katniss learns how to challenge the government in surprising and subversive ways from Senate via, like, dresses and stuff.
And both of their names end in A. You seem weirdly proud of a very surface-level observation. Just a completely superficial, like, a child's... And both of them die. Yeah! Again, they both die, and it forces our heroes to make big decisions. I still don't want you to think that you're contributing to a theory when what you're actually doing is just... Yep. Both franchises are full of mostly white people. Now to the conclusion of my argument.
The end of the Hunger Games franchise sees Katniss and her band of rebels taking the fight to the Capitol where it hurts them the most. In the Capitol itself. And the end of Star Wars, Luke and his rebels return to face the Empire in their home to face down that leadership. It could be argued that Star Wars was about Luke learning how to harness the power of the Force, and that Hunger Games was about Katniss learning how to harness the power of the people.
And in the very end... Spoilers! Okay. So the end of Return of the Jedi, Luke destroys the Empire and loses a family member in the process. And at the end of Hunger Games, a similar thing happens. Dammit! No! I meant spoilers for Star Wars, okay? I know how Hunger Games ends. You ruined the end of Star Wars for me.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't. You're not at all because of what year it is and how time functions.
Also neither of the big bad ruling classes made any sense. Yep. They're bad. That's why everyone was so mad. That's why Katniss revolted and the rebels rebelted. No, I just mean there's no way that either of these ruling factions would have been able to take control, okay? I mean, across the Hunger Games franchise, we're watching the 74th, 75th, and 76th Hunger Games competition. You are, again, just reciting plot points in the order in which they happen.
We're not extrapolating any kind of meaningful. Which means that this world hasn't been going on forever, okay? I mean, 75 years is not that long. It means that there are people, living people, who remember when there was a time when the government was not making their children fight each other.
They made a similar point in Rick and Morty on how there could never be a perch. You know, when the perch started, did people get into it right away or were they like, wait, what?
Okay, so I agree, they're bad. Everyone agrees they're bad.
That's why Katniss was so angry and all those people did those things. Did you not read the books or see the movies?
No totalitarian regime has ever risen to power on the idea that they were evil. Okay? Nazis, fascists, gangs, cults, all in retrospect evil things that rise to power by promising that they are totally not evil and will, in fact, make things better. Making children battle to the death is a transparently evil idea that would never fly. I mean, Trump doesn't run on oppressing the middle class and foreigners. He runs on making America great again. So there's no way that the Capitol could have seized control if their entire political strategy revolves around, hey, let's watch our kids kill each other until they die.
Okay. That's true. You haven't really made any connection to Star Wars though in a while, which is what we were talking about.
There isn't a lot of child death in Star Wars, but the Empire is similarly impossible and ridiculous. I mean, they just declared themselves the Empire. Of course nobody is going to follow them. Star Wars is a universe with royalty and senates and counts and lords, like the Ewoks govern themselves. And Jawas are a lawless species. Some planets participate in trade governed by the Galactic Empire and some planets participate in slavery. And they have kings or huts or whatever damn thing.
But the Emperor says, I dissolved the Senate. I'm the Emperor now.
I mean, most people would just say, okay, I don't really see how that affects me on the water planet where we acknowledge a giant fat fish monster thing is our king, but fine. If that makes you feel better, you can call yourself that. Just know that you're not. You're not the Emperor.
Hunger games. Both franchises pitch oppressive ruling forces that could never exist.
And people like to say at the end of Return of the Jedi that there would be this like big power vacuum after the Empire was dissolved, but people would actually be just fine. Every planet has been doing their own thing anyway. And the Empire really is pretty harmless, except for the whole planet exploder. We do. You said people like to point out that at the end of Jedi there'd be a power vacuum when the Empire was gone.
We point that out, cracked. We've made that observation and we've written that article and published it.
Uh, can't get them all right. We mostly don't. It's a lottery change. Yeah. Hey, can you like enjoy movies when you watch them anymore?
You know, I can't. I can't. Me neither.
Yes, this is our life now. This is our life now.
Ah! Thanks for watching. And if you wanna watch more, please subscribe. Also, please comment below if you can think of any other movies that are just like Star Wars.
Yeah, and whichever of you has the best argument, it'll get voted to the top and you'll be declared winner. And then the rest of you dummies will be summarily executed, as is in keeping in tone with the Hunger Games franchise. It's the risk you take commenting. So long, all you little fucking ruse. |
TheOnion | Newsroom_80_Percent_Of_Roommates_Got_So_Drunk_Last_Night | A new study released by the Shuttleworth Research Center today finds nearly 80% of roommates got so drunk last night. The study, which surveyed several hundred roommates between the ages of 18 and 24, discovered that 58% got drunk as shit, while some 23% got so fucked up they don't even remember coming home. About 7% report that they got hella wasted. It seemed as if very often they could hardly wait to tell us how shit hammered they'd been the night before. About 30% of roommates reported to us that they'd almost got laid, but the single most repeated thing we heard was that it was the craziest night ever. The study's results will be published in next month's Journal of Roommate Research. All the results have been refreshingly consistent. Everything we've learned so far seems to confirm what we discovered the weekend before this and the weekend before that. Researchers believe the findings could lead to other roommate-related discoveries, such as what that bowl of water was doing in the microwave and where did all the mud on the living room carpet come from. A new poll shows that 60% of Americans would vote for whichever candidate promised to kill the devil. |
dropout | can_you_tell_a_dog_toy_from_a_sex_toy | Ever notice how sex toys and dog toys kind of look the same? I have because I'm kind of a weirder that way. Today we're going to put it to the test in a game called Sex Toy or Dog Toy. I'm going to show my co-workers a series of items and they'll have to guess whether those items are an adorable toy for a pooch or a kinky sexual item.
And they'll have help. Here are their two lifelines, Goddess Eos, who is an expert in sex toys, and Pam, who is an expert in dog toys. Pam, you ready to get started?
She wants that peanut butter. Next up, a blue stick with two balls on either end. That is a... If you took a cartoon bone and then you went into the future, that's what that looks like to me. Dog toy because of the curve. Some dicks are curved.
Yeah. But not mine, just some of them. I feel like that could go up like somebody's butt. Yeah, I agree. That's a bust.
I'm going to say sex toy. I'm going to say dog toy because I hope it's a dog toy. It's a dog toy.
Fuck. Alright. Fuck. Unfortunately. Next up, Black Worm Guy. Oh. This guy.
This is a dog toy. Like, I think it has to be a dog toy.
If this is meant to go up your ass, that is a really weird choice. Bug guy? You could put two dicks in there. Here, what would this thing be for? Like a leash, I guess. It'd just be like a double horse carriage, but for dicks. It's like the Budweiser Clyze dicks.
Right, exactly. We see what Pam thinks of... It's true. Yeah, yeah. What do you think of that? It's kind of a fun guy. Not super interesting. Pam's just like the most mature one here.
So you think sex toy? Yeah, I'm thinking sex toy. I'm going to say dog toy. I think those are like anal beads or sex toy related. It's a sex toy.
Yeah. Sex toy. You're both two for two. Is it anal? Yeah, yeah, okay.
Next up is this leather studded collar. Obviously not quite as much a toy, but is it a sex collar from a sex shop or a dog collar from a pet shop? It almost looks like a horse harness. Didn't know the point. It looks like that sort of spike bulldog kind of thing, but I think this is just too wide to be for a dog. I'm going to say sex toy.
Goddess, do you have any thoughts? There are plenty of ways that I collar if I like something that I might make you wear it. Can I see it on the smallest setting? Yes, you can.
She's like this more than either toy. She wasn't trained. Oh, okay.
I'm going to go with Pam and say that's a dog collar. Dog. I think it's a people collar. Sex toy. Dog toy. It's a dog toy. No! It's a dog collar. Next up, this black rubber thing.
I feel like you're throwing me off here. What's a cock ring? I don't know. The only thing I think when you pull that out is cock ring.
I think there's something called puppy play. Is that true? I think there's like a fetish called puppy play. Is that what you call like a guy that's... is that a name? Yeah, if he wants to be a puppy.
Can you get these engraved? Like there's little license plates. There's six flags. Cool. I don't understand how you would use it for either purpose.
I'll say sex toy. Sex toy. That's a sex toy. Despite it really looking suspiciously sexual, I'm going to say it's a dog toy. It's a sex toy.
Fuck! Um, I actually have no idea what this is.
That is so phallic for a dog toy, but it looks like it would hurt a lot. There's definitely a hole in the butt of this dog. But I've seen that. They put like food and stuff inside of a hole and then the dog licks it.
Sam, what do you think? That's about as interested as Pam gets in something.
I'm going to say this is a dog toy. The dog shape and the number of points that I'm seeing here. Dog toy. It is a dog toy.
You got a perfect score. Now I got the, uh... I got the butt worm wrong. You got the butt worm wrong. Earlier she was like, I've seen penises that are that small, but I thought she meant like the whole thing. And I was like, yeah, yeah, cool. |
dropout | Play_It_By_Ear_Full_Episode_Improvised_Musical_Show | ["The musical improv show"] Theater nerds, comedy nerds, and anyone in between, welcome to Play It By Ear, the musical improv show. I'm your host and narrator, Mano Agapian.
It's a Friday night, and our hero, a homebody at heart, is in their pajamas watching their favorite trashy reality TV show.
Oh, wow! Yeah. We're in L.A. Yeah, isn't that cool? Okay, we're gonna do the show now. Okay, cool. Time to relax with my stories.
I just don't know if we're like a love match. He made me a coffee this morning, but it's like, not how I like my coffee. I mean, yeah, I made her a coffee, but it's like, I'm like beer, not coffee. I don't know if we're a love match.
I could cut the middling sexual tension with a knife. But then, a text message. It's one of our hero's friends inviting them out for something our hero definitely doesn't want to do.
Hey, Brendan, do you wanna come out to karaoke where everyone sings at the same time with me? It's like this new thing where you don't have to wait to do your song in karaoke, because we all go together.
Kinda called it a night. And just then, another text message from another friend with a different invitation out. Hey, Brendan, do you wanna come out to tag? Tag? Is that like an acronym for something? No, it's where we watch the movie tag outdoors while playing tag. Jumbly me timbers, another text message? Brendan, my guy, what it is?
Brendan, you gotta get out here right now. Brendan, you gotta come out, come out, come out, come out. Brendan, you gotta come out. Brendan, you gotta come out right now. Brendan, if you don't come out, I'm gonna send you the one that has the mouth. That's just one line. Brendan, if you don't come out, I'm gonna do the one where the head is turning into slime. Brendan, come on out, dog. Yeah, we got a whole damn group. Brendan, if you don't come out, you know I'm gonna send you the one that's a big old piece of poo. We're here, Brendan, you gotta come out. LOLs, no doubt. We're gonna, Brendan, you gotta come out.
It's gonna be rad. We're gonna watch and play tag. Brendan, you gotta come out to a galaxy far away. Eggplant peach, eggplant peach, Brendan. Sorry, that was not for you. I'm in for the night, in for the night. And I know that I should go out and spend time with my friends, but my couch is looking pretty good. Oh, Brendan, sit back and put your grass and boots on. Brendan, how about instead you watch a marathon? You gotta go out, I gotta stay in with my friends. Gotta text back something fake, Easter Island head. Brendan, I gotta stay in, I gotta make it enough. I haven't even dressed up, I'm here for the night. I'm looking at the TV and I'm feeling so right. And I gotta keep following out. Out.
Having finally persuaded their friends to leave them alone, Brendan breathes a sigh of relief. But they can't, thank you, but they can't help but reflect on the real reason they don't wanna go out tonight.
I know I should feel lucky. So many people trying to drag me out for the night. Sending me all kinds of emojis. Silver alert, missing elderly.
Good enough. There's only so much Brendan to go around.
And anyway, I've been in this apartment so long, I barely know how to interact with people in person anymore. Oh good, a reason. Yeah, there's a reason, a super important and clear, concise reason why I've gotta stay in. I've stayed in so long, how could I even talk to anyone in public without being a little awkward? I think it's time for a song about these feelings that will include the name of as many streaming platforms as possible. Why would I talk to anybody and risk being weird when I've got my TV right here? All my real friends are there.
Why go out when I can say no? Am I being left out? Well I say no FOMO. Because I'm paying so many streaming bills. Why would I go out when I could just Netflix and chill? So why would I go outside when I could stay here and live the dream of what you do if you got Hulu and you could just stay in a stream?
Stay in a stream, stay in a stream, stay in a stream.
So I might seem boring, that's how it seems, but I can watch Criterion Channel and live my high culture dreams and take me away on your cathode ray beams. I'm kicked back watching Pluto TV. Stay in a stream, stay in a stream, stay in a stream on my Roku. I'm even watching Go90 and Cecil. No longer available. Can't wait to watch some archival crackle shows.
Stay in a stream. Featured so many things to see how it goes. Stay in a stream.
So from this friend group you'll have to remove me. Peace out friends. I got a new friend named 2B.
This is my stream. This is chaotic. This I can't control. With all my friends from Funimation and Crunchyroll.
Stay in the stream. Goodbye friends. I'm gonna stay in. Stay in a stream.
I'm buzzing. And not one of them was dropout. Hey, but at least it's a reason. Me and Ross are in a fight. But for right now, buzz buzz.
Our hero's phone mysteriously vibrates. An app they've never seen before appears on screen. It looks like a rideshare app or something with a very peculiar name.
I never remember downloading the GoGoo app. Pick up in four minutes. I got a pick up in four minutes in my new GoGoo? And with a flash of psychedelic color and a burst of music, they are transported inside the car with a whimsical driver at the wheel. What up? It's your GoGoo ride. Did I black out for a second? Nah. GoGoo is the app that orders the ride that you need, not the ride that you want.
You need to be taken on a journey, my man. My question is what? Are you ready? No, I'm not ready. I was ready to stay in for the night watching all of my favorite shows. But that's not what you need, my guy, all right? You need to be transported outside your bubble and back into the real world.
And me, your wacky, friendly driver Jerome is here to do that for you. Hold on, Jerome.
Are we currently under the sea? Could be, my man, could be if that's what you need. Oh, but now where are we? I mean, we might be on an alpine peak, I guess. Could be, could be. Oh, no, a bear. That's right. We're in the woods now.
Before our driver whisks our hero away, they'll give us a taste of the magical journey that's in store, featuring the phrase, a change of gears. You feel a little spooked out? But in a gentle way. Yeah, I got to admit, normally I'm not so into the music with ride shares. Just sit back, sit back and relax. Take your mind off the streaming. You don't need HBO Max. Put away, put away all your spooky fears. Because what you need right now, my man, is a change of gears.
Hey, Mrs. L. Are you still friends with Tyler? We say we're friends, but I guess I haven't hung out with him in a while. You can call me anytime.
Look outside the starboard side. I think that starboard, I'm not sure. Pretty sure that's port. That could be port, but again, this is a car and not a boat.
Tell me, Brendan, what do you see? What are we looking at?
It seems to be a whale eating a guy in a couple of seconds flat.
Are you saying that the world is big and I should go out there, not be such a fish out of water or a bird out of air? Brendan, I'm not gonna ask no more. I'm not gonna plead. Because Gogoo is the rideshare app you don't want.
It's the one you need. Just a little change of gears. Go out and face your fears. Just a little change of gears.
And now you know. Here with Gogoo, I've been your fun whackier driver, Jero. See you on the other side, my man. Other side?
Five stars. Thank you. Poppy fields be damned.
I am tripping out. Now we get more colors, more music. In fact, everyone's being transported through the portal into a new and different world.
That's right. You thought the ride would be over when we got out of my car, but you'd be wrong. Yeah, this is really full service. That's right.
Let me show you a little something. Hi, pizza pocket? Yeah. Take a bite and tell me what it tastes like to you. Oh wow, it's a savory celebration in my mouth. What do you see here?
This is my goat of many colors. A goat of many colors. What color does it look like to you? Sort of an opalescent turquoise.
That's right. And wrong. And up. And down.
And just then, a second passenger joins for this magical journey. And pause, because that is not just anyone. It's a well-known figure from history. How did I get here?
Oh, I'm sorry. I get this a lot. Yep, it's true. It is me.
Michelangelo.
Whoa. Yeah. I'm glad you said it, because I don't have a picture in my head of what Michelangelo looked like. Oh, I'm sorry, yeah. He's sorry, yes.
Our historical figure treats us to a song about what brings them here tonight. Hint, whatever it is might test our heroes assumptions about themselves. Also, at least some of it must be historically accurate.
Michelangelo, we need your help. Cowabunga. I wish I was as courageous as you, Michelangelo. I mean, you carved a paeta when you were still in your 20s. Wow.
I'm pretty sure. What's your name, kid? The name's Brendan. I wish you were more sure of yourself. I'm not sure of myself. Oh, Brendan, listen.
I was once like that Used to wander and keep to myself But then I thought Why not celebrate And put myself up on a shelf But I called it a rafter And I laid on my back And I painted a ceiling Can you relate to that? Or maybe Have you ever not known what to do? The path was so odd And sprawling in front of you Like maybe there's too many options There is too much choice So instead you make none And you limit your voice Cause it's endless and open Like that vast A-G-N-C Sure. That's what it sometimes has felt like To me And in that moment I think not of what the stone is But what the stone could be And I chisel it, chisel it, chisel it Until it presents itself to me So start with a little bit And then a little bit more And then suddenly A masterpiece takes form I've been a viewer so long Just passively watching the world As it goes by But you laid on your back And made masterpieces because You tried Right!
So maybe I could step out And simply take a chance This is a Rebirth Of sorts Oh wait Do you mean it's a More of a Some More of a Thank you Michelangelo No problem Jerome Cowabunga Cowabunga More colors More music As they continue onward Into the strange world This time A well known character From myth or legend Joins them Oh hell ye I am Jamesonar Half man, half centaur You're half man, half centaur So you're two thirds man Correct Two thirds man Just a little bit hoarse Well met Jamesonar Well met You Brendan? I am Brendan There was a time that I Wouldn't have even put myself Out there like that You're already making progress In another song We'll learn what brings Our mythological character Out tonight And it must also include Anecdotes from lore That are probably true About centaurs And Jameses? Just to be clear Anecdotes that are true About centaurs True Facts Got it Facts about centaurs Centaur facts And I want to hear A little bit of a scatting solo In there Well young Brendan I don't know what sort of Journey you're on But I have always found When one meets a fellow Traveler on the road And sharing things About each other Sometimes they come To a higher understanding For example Who have you bested In battle recently? Nobody Oh Have you known the thrill Of combat of any kind? Maybe a manticore Came at you Maybe you were like Oh no Griffin Gotta defend my territory It's like Jamesonar I'm more into watching shows Not so much in a bloodsport Oh Except the movie Bloodsport Which rules Well What is a battle But a show You watch From the inside What is a remote control But a little tiny Blunt spear Get you in longer And taking you into a world Far out of here You need to go On a journey Yeah get on the attack And you can ride on me But I'm not the kind of horse That don't have a horse's back Get a battle Get on battle Get your own battle It's on every channel And if you're battling You really want a battle like me Give me the snowbox Diddly-boop Diddly-beep-bop-dee-dee If you want To not be treated like cattle You gotta find your own battles Oh Jamesonar Really I'm loving your point of view man but can you tell me some more specific facts about your life? Oh sure about centaurs and their historical importance And ideally like sort of like the life cycle sort of like birth to death Yeah yeah yeah The gestational period of us and death How does reproduction work? Buckle up all my little friends Because this party's gonna be fun It's time for factual historical actual facts Centaurs 101 Will all little centaurs hatch out of an egg They come out quick and they got horsey legs The legs grow first and then the torso is next A torso and legs what did you expect? And then they walk around just a little like this They give a little horsey shoop-a-dee-bop-doo-blip And then what comes next will you be surprised? A full grown horse right before your eyes So egg, legs, torso, horse And then another human comes around of course And they smooches smooches smooches shoop-a-dee-bop-dee-boo A shoop-a-shoop-a-dee-boop shoop-a-dee-boop shoop-a-dee-boop-bop-boo And then they get down and then the lady has of course an egg for a baby And then egg hatches and out Would you believe on a shining star? That's a centaur That's a centaur That's a centaur That's a centaur Shoop-a-dee-bop-doo-blip You know who you are when you are a centaur Shoop-a-dee-bop-dee-boop-boo-boo Zaboo-zoo-ee, zaboo-zoo-ee Zaboo-zoo-ee, zaboo-zoo-ee Thank you That is the historical way to greet a centaur Indeed Indeed Do you feel like you're learning, Brendan?
Yes Did I teach you something, Brendan? Oh, Brendan Are you learning yet? Are you learning?
Yes, yes Oh gosh I learned that I should take a chance on pizza pockets freely given Then I learned that in order to be an artist of sorts I shouldn't just look at the art but try to make it and be it Then in a way I gotta fight my own battles and that also that the life cycle of a centaur begins with an egg Egg Catches Then you have a horse's legs which grows into a torso Then grows into a full horse A human comes along Smoochie, smoochie, smoochie, smoochie You know the rest They lay an egg Then the egg catches Then you've got a centaur Zaboo-zoo-ee Zaboo-zoo-ee James and I One quick follow up Yes, Michelangelo I'd love to answer any further questions How long How long does it exist as just legs? It's an awkward two years Two years as legs Two years on the ground In the scenes and songs that follow using the magical rideshare app GoGoo they'll go wheresoever they please while Brendan and his friends find ways to solve everyone's problems You know what? We were just walking around before but I think it's time to get back in my all-terrain vehicle And here we go! Whoa! Yeah? Why are we hurtling back towards Renaissance Rome?
This is where I'm from Perhaps there's some unfinished business you need to attend to, Michelangelo If you're in this car it means that there's a journey that you need But hey, Michelangelo whatever you do you won't be doing it alone Together we can solve any personal problem By dinnertime By dinnertime Our powers combine Saving personal problems By dinnertime Yeah! Our powers combine Saving personal problems By dinnertime No problem is just yours It is also mine With our powers combine Saving personal problems By dinnertime Michelangelo This chapel is no complete Look at this! Look at this! All of the paper out of the walls are so boring so drab Why are you making the ceiling more recordable? For this I might have to excommunicate Oh man, it's such a total bummer having to make my art because it's only supported by the church But they pay my bills so I can create this amazing work But I wish they would just get off my back sometimes Wait and let me relax so I can actually create something beautiful and wondrous When they give me so much feedback I have to decide what's my idea and what's theirs Sometimes if you need the space fight them back and make the space for yourself And remember Oh, okay Jamesonar You're not alone in this journey You've got an entire group of friends helping you Thanks Jerome Sometimes the greatest freedom you can have is the freedom provided by structure That's right That's a good point With our powers combine Solving personal problems By dinnertime Hey, Vatican Listen up I got a ton of notes but I'm gonna start with this You gotta give me more time You gotta give me more time You gotta give me more time You gotta give me more time I'm only asking for this since just a little You can't look at art when it's still in the middle I'm still refined You're drawing the lines You gotta give me more time We gotta give me more time Okay We're gonna give you more time I didn't realize there was another finish yet Michelangelo I'm sorry but we are not finished yet You're right We just solved your problem So everybody get your asses back in the jet Powers combine Solving personal problems By dinnertime Powers combine Solving personal problems By dinnertime Thanks you three You really had my back And now who's the next in line Powers combine Solving personal problems By dinnertime Look It's the veil of Greece The Arcadian hills As plain as plain could be Yeah, that's right That's what it is All of these places Right on the shore Of the Aegean Sea Ah yes See A not yet grown centaur Just legs Looks to be about one and a half Hang in there buddy Oh no It's the Cyclops I really, really hate that guy He's always looking at me judgmentally With his laser eyes My laser eyes That's right What do you want, Cyclops? Oh, Jameson, you're not even a mythical creature that people know about So just because people don't know about me doesn't mean I'm not as real as all the other mythical creatures Okay, yeah, sure Knees down, horse That's a cool set of powers I don't have anything cool to say to him He has such sweet dunks to do on me He's burning you pretty bad Jameson, listen Cyclops lives on a big stone island I love carving stuff from stone If you just convince him to carve himself around his little rock He's gonna like float away on the smaller part Oh Listen, Cyclops You big giant big old nerd Oh, look over there It's encroaching It's a tiny bird Better zap it with your laser And there's the bird And there's the bird And there's the bird Over here, over here Oh, there's the bird And oh no I am smiling Cause you're floating away on an island You tricked me I don't know if he can swim but either way I feel good about how that went Thank you I could not have done that alone Back to the jet, gang I'm getting pretty hungry, guys Oh no, it's 3.30 PM Dinner time is due We gotta go We got the basics With our powers combined We're gonna solve our problems by dinner time Time's up Our powers combined We're gonna solve our problems by dinner time Maybe at the same time we should combine our problems Do you have problems or are you sort of I thought you were like a mythical guy My thing is that I'm a driver but I really want to be an actor Let's just solve this You have the quiz, Matt Thank you You've got an amazing look I'll get headshots tomorrow You feel good?
I'm good to go Check, moving on There it is Man, I wish Brendan would just come out Brendan, I just wish you would come out, man Brendan, I just wish you would come out and hang out with us Brendan, come on out It's like, is he even our friend? I invited him to karaoke where we all sing at the same time And I invited him to tag where we play tag while watching tag Do you see, Brendan? Your repeated denials of your friends has an emotional toll on them Pretty soon, I'm going to stop asking At first, I thought it was that he didn't want to do the activity and then I thought that can't be Kakoff and Ioki is so great Tag, tag, so fun But then I thought maybe it's not the activity Maybe he doesn't want to hang out with me That's not how it is, guys Brendan!
Brendan! You're here! With us! Brendan! And I'm here Yeah And I'm the Star Wars guy Wait, those other friends behind you And the dust is turning into Us?
Brendan, wake up! Brendan! Brendan, wake up! Wake up, man! Wake up!
You've been streaming for 17 hours straight Every single one of the platforms is asking Are you sure you're still watching? Yeah, Peacock's doing it Paramount Plus is doing it Oh my god, in the time I've done it Disney Plus is doing it Dropout's not doing it because you can watch as much as you want What an amazing platform We came to check on it because we've been texting you and you just never texted back and we got worried I'm sorry, guys I was just, uh I was just caught in the siren song of streaming content As you can see our hero is now truly appreciating what they've learned today And in an emotional solo that will turn into a group number the cast will touch our hearts and at some point this song or songs will incorporate the phrase The Rearview Mirror Watching on the sidelines Too scared to go in So scared of the ending I couldn't even begin Didn't want to go out Scared of what I might say About tag or playing tag If I did it in a weird way It's not what we're doing It's who we do it with If all you felt was like streaming Then I'd come over and sit And here's the thing You've got to know We can't make this more clear In the rearview Friendship is closer Than it appears Closer than it appears I should have just hung out with you And had the guts to start Because every activity you do Is like a work of art Aw, thanks man!
And when we hang out Oh, you bring such force When we're together, bro It's like your one-third horse What? Yeah! And what about me? How's our friendship seem? No matter where I want to be You find a way to get me there In the rearview Friendship is closer Than it appears In the rearview Friendship is closer Than it appears So what do you Want to do? Your friends will be there Next to you Woah, does anyone else Smell pizza pockets?
Woah! They're here! Oh, amazing! Do you feel like just Staying in tonight? Yeah! They could just like Chill on the couch And watch any number Of streaming services Such as Amazon Prime Also, look at the box Of pizza pockets On it is your High School Principal Mrs. Libertini I'm proud of you! Thanks, Mrs. L! Let's couch crash, y'all! So So let's just stay in But it's more than it seems Cause we're all here together Flowing on the stream Stay in the stream Thank you wherever you are, guys For helping me see clearer Cause friendship's closer In the Rearview mirror No power! You see, there really was No place like home All along! Bravo! Revicima! Amazing!
And remember, If you're ever unprepared, Just wing it, bitch. Good night! |
TheOnion | Woman_Sets_Record_For_Longest_Amount_Of_Time_Spent_Talking_About_Oneself | But first, we have such a fun treat. Last Thursday, Linda Johnson of Danville, Virginia, won a place in the Guinness Book of World Records by talking about herself nonstop for four days, 16 hours, and 22 minutes. Simply amazing.
Hi, guys. I love these chairs. They're like the ones I have at home. Oh, really? Mine are in cream, which is a little matchy-matchy because my walls are cream, but it works. Okay.
Let's talk about that record now, if we could. People must have told you from the very beginning, Linda, that talking about yourself nonstop for that long just simply wouldn't be possible. No, but you know what people do tell me all the time?
They said I'm tall, and I don't think I am. Am I? Like, if you saw me walking down the street, would you be like, oh, she's tall? Well, you're a little tall. Sure. I just think I have good posture.
Well, Linda, so what was going through your mind at the moment you broke your back? I just kept thinking about my friend Camille, well, acquaintance, really, who thinks her husband Trey is having an affair. So you weren't really thinking about the time at all. And it's like, hello, his name is Trey. That's a red flag right there. And second, you want to talk husbands?
My mark is getting into mixed martial arts. This past weekend, I had to go to a gymnasium and watch him fight another man at three in the afternoon.
Uh-huh. And I am one of those people who, like, needs my weekends, you know? Right, right. I understand a representative from the Guinness Book was with you the whole time you were competing to verify the fact that you were breaking the record. And we've got footage of that now. Right. You know, and they say bad things happen in threes. Yeah, of course. Of course, yeah. So I was just in the emergency room on a weekend. Right, right. Did I ever tell you I did an emergency room doctor who looked exactly like George Clooney? Yeah.
I met him because I sprained my ankle in this advanced yoga class. I thought it was broken, but anyway, it wasn't. He asked me out right there. Okay, I gotta go because I don't want to be one of those people who's off the phone in line.
Oh, I want to eat it because my stomach can't handle the acidity, which is awful because I love a good grapefruit. I think I'd make a pretty black woman.
I remember someone on that line smelled really bad. I can't tell if I'm hot or cold. It's like a sour smell. Ugh. I hate people who don't wash properly. They say you can't smell stink. That's not true. I shouldn't have had that grapefruit. After I go to the gym, I know I smell, but I don't go to the store. I shower.
Well, now this is exciting. I think we've got some footage of the actual moment when you set the record. Let's take a look. Okay. Between you and me, they could use the fear put in them because they've gotten way too comfortable as a choir.
God! Oh, God. Linda, I am so sorry. Oh, my God. I don't know what's happening. And time. Oh, wow.
Congratulations. I still have a lot more to say about that choir, but I was spitting out blood and couldn't talk for a second. Thank you for stopping by this morning, Linda. Thank you.
And when we come back, we're going to check in with our real estate guru about the ups and downs of buying swampland. What do you need to know about real estate? My husband's one of the best real estate agents in the Danville area.
A medical exam tonight reveals John Boehner is made of clay. Stay tuned to the Onion News Network for more. Hey, that's a red flag right there.
And second, you want to talk husbands? My mark is getting into mixed martial arts. This past weekend, I had to go to a gymnasium and watch him fight another man at three in the afternoon.
Uh-huh. And I am one of those people who, like, needs my weekends, you know? Right, right. I understand a representative from the Guinness Book was with you the whole time you were competing to verify the fact that you were breaking the record. And we've got footage of that now. Right. You know, and they say bad things happen in threes. Oh, my God. Yeah, of course. Of course, yeah. So I was just in the emergency room all weekend with him. Right, right. Did I ever tell you I did an emergency room doctor who looked exactly like George Clooney? Yeah.
I met him because I sprained my ankle in this advanced yoga class. I thought it was broken, but it, anyway, it wasn't. He asked me out right there. Okay, I got to go because I don't want to be one of those people who's off the phone and lying.
Oh, my God, what am I wearing? My stomach can't handle the acidity, which is awful because I love a good grapefruit. I think I'd make a pretty black woman.
I remember someone on that line smelled really bad. I can't tell if I'm hot or cold. It's like a sour smell. Ugh. They hate people who don't wash properly.
They say you can't smell alcohol. That's not true.
I should have had that grapefruit. After I go to the gym, I know I smell, but I don't go to the store. I shower.
Well, now, this is exciting. I think we've got some footage of the actual moment when you set the record. Let's take a look. Okay. Between you and me, they could use the fear put in them because they've gotten way too comfortable as a choir.
God! Oh, God. Linda, I am so sorry. Oh, my God. I don't know what's happening.
Congratulations. I still have a lot more to say about that choir, but I was spitting up blood and couldn't talk for a second. Thank you for stopping by this morning, Linda. Thank you.
And when we come back, we're going to check in with our real estate guru about the ups and downs of buying swampland. What do you need to know about real estate? My husband's one of the best real estate agents in the Danville area.
A medical exam tonight reveals John Boehner is made of clay. Stay tuned to the Onion News Network for more. |
dropout | hardly_working_stockholm_syndrome | Choo choo choo choo.
You're not going anywhere. What are you doing. Picking you hostage. You're not going to get away with this.
Shut up. I love you. I said shut. Wait what? I love you.
What do you mean why? Stockholm Syndrome. Okay but I literally just kidnapped you. Yeah I guess it kicked in pretty fast there didn't it? Maybe some people are just more susceptible Okay, um, thanks, I guess.
Alright, you sons and daughters of bitches, don't move a muscle. What do you think you're doing?
Taking her hostage. Put the gun down. I'm gonna get a handsome ransom for you. Put it down! Ooh, a handsome ransom.
I love it when you rhyme. What? You said you loved me. I'm sorry, Dan, but ever since Pat threatened to splatter my brains across the wall, I just... I feel like I can be more myself with him. What about us?
Hey, maybe if you spent less time pointing your gun at me and more time focusing it on her, this wouldn't have happened. How long has this been going on? You saw it start. We had something real, you slut! Watch it, hombre.
Dan, I want your back. Are you serious? Pat, I'm so sorry.
He'll always have a place in my heart. Look, man, I can't control how she feels. He's a distraction, a fight of fancy. He'll come crawling back. Ugh, God, I'm so conflicted. I mean, Pat gives me this special feeling like I'm always one wrong move away from never seeing my family again. And Dan, when I'm with you, it's like nothing else in the world matters except shutting up and not moving an inch.
I can't bear this anymore, pick one! Okay, I choose...
Alright, no one be a hero. Ugh, really? Guys, don't worry, I'm not interested in him. Look at him. |
TheOnion | Health_Questions_Answers_and_Free_Chicken_Wings_Dr_Good_Ep_9 | Welcome back to Dr. Good. We'd like to remind everyone that you can tweet your favorite Dr. Good memories to us here at the show. Just remember to use the hashtag Good Dead and we'll read them right here over the air.
We're doing the best we can and so we're just going to take audience questions again today. Our first question comes from Dave.
Yeah, every time I fly I get really terrible sinus pain. Is there anything I can do about that? And hey, I'm really sorry about Dr. Good.
Do you guys want some of my chicken wings? I'm definitely not going to finish all of them. Oh, sure. Sure, we'll have some wings. Well Dave, does this happen every time you fly? Yeah, pretty much. Well in that case it could be a number of different things.
The simplest and most natural remedy to stop sinus pain is chewing, eating, and drinking water. Chewing throughout the flight can help reduce the sinus pressure and swallowing water or any other clear liquid will assist it. You should also be armed with a simple over-the-counter nasal spray.
What's this? Let's see it. Two puffs per nostrils is all you need. Really easy to use. You get it.
Just put some in your nose before you get on the flight. Imagine that your mucus is this wad of napkins and chicken bones. To stop the pain, an antihistamine will be the most effective to clear your passageways. So 12 hours before the flight, just take one and... And combined, these methods are the most supreme combatant against fluids in your sinus cavities.
Wait, slow down. Leave some for us. I can take as many as I want to take. I'm completely within my right.
Oh yeah? Yeah. Well...
Doctor, this is choking. What do we do? Are you all right? We should make sure that the perfect human can't choke. That's a good idea. That's an excellent proposal. No more choking. No. We will make that our new mission. I know that we've all been shaken up by the recent events of Doctor Good passing and of me choking, but from now on, we will be all doctors on deck. We will all work together like the family that we used to be, to eliminate choking in our lifetimes.
It will be our gift to the perfect human and to the memory of Doctor Good. Actually, I have an announcement. I'm leaving Doctor Good to take over as the official dentist of Formula One racing, and today's show will serve as my official two week notice. Let me just say, it's been such a pleasure to work with everyone here at Doctor Good, but I'm looking forward to an exciting new chapter in my career, and I look forward to seeing you all on the race track. All right. Tomorrow on Doctor Good, should we tell the perfect human that Doctor Good is dead? But he loves Doctor Good. Please, he never even knew him. It's the perfect dilemma, only on Doctor Good. |
dropout | ordering_a_salad_with_every_topping_prank | Hi, I'm Kevin here at CollegeHumor.com here with Adam Conover. Hey guys, we were ordering lunch from our favorite salad place. There's a lot of toppings you can get and we want to see what's gonna happen if we order every single topping on a single salad. Are you ready to go? Let's do it. Portobello mushrooms, crumbled blue cheese, hearts of palm, fresh mozzarella cheese, Turkish figs, sesame-grilled tofu, grilled chicken, buffalo chicken, char boiled steak, and also let's do a double order of all those things.
I think it's gonna be like like 90, 100 bucks. What do you think? I think like 500 bucks.
This is the most exciting part is the dressings. One of the options is no dressing. I'm not gonna slice this. No, you should get that just to mess with them.
The actual cost of the salad is $229.93. This might be the first salad in history where you eat it and you're actually full. The tip amount, I think we should make it $50 because we're being jerks.
Confirmed! We got the confirmation right there.
This is how long the order is. Can you get that? I'm gonna list ingredients and Kevin is gonna tell me when he thinks the salad has become gross. So, Romaine? Gross. Oh, we're getting a phone call. Hi, Adam. I'm calling for this salad. We're going to do a little order. So just verify this is the correct order that you want, correct? Yep, that's definitely the order that I want. I'm really hungry. So, here's what we think they're doing, a just salad right now.
Drop it! Drop the salad! Keep dropping!
More carrots! Get the fucking carrots in here! The salad is here. It's here!
Thank you so much. Oh, yeah. Oh, that is heavy. It's gonna be like 30 pounds. Yeah, I know. There it is.
Huh, that looks pretty good. Looks pretty good.
This is great, but I didn't want 12 salads. I wanted one salad. They didn't give me that, so I'm gonna make them myself, see how much I can fit in this bowl. Now we're gonna add all the dressings.
Just a little dab. My first bite, that was definitely Turkish face. There's no way all this stuff is in here. Just like if you mix every color together, it makes black. It kind of tastes like nothing. It's like it was chewed by someone else for me.
Hey, guys, free salad in the kitchen. Anybody wants to tell everyone else? You picked the least appealing thing to say to an office. Hey, Kevin. I'm not on board with this prank anymore. Well, then you can leave!
I can't watch you do this to yourself. It's too much. It's not worth it, man. It's not worth it for comedy.
Actually, it didn't taste bad. |
cracked | 6_awful_medication_side_effects_that_shouldn_t_be_possible | Six. Horrible. Side effects. Common. Medications.
Make it happen.
Yeah, depression. Definitely a big one. Got adrenal fatigue that has been diagnosed. Sexual dysfunction.
Yeah. Right? I get hair that grows on the outside of my nose, like here for some reason. What the hell? Go drop.
If you develop an allergic reaction, a severe rash, or signs of unusual behavior, stop taking Tamiflu and call your doctor immediately. Children and adolescents in particular may be at an increased risk of seizures, confusion or abnormal behavior. Tamiflu is prescription medicine for treating the flu in adults and children one year and older.
But now, I trust my heart to Lipitor. Tell your doctor if you are taking other medications or if you have any muscle pain or weakness. This may be a sign of a rare but serious side effect. Lipitor has been extensively studied with over 16 years of research. Unfortunately, there's Mirapex. Mirapex is a prescription medicine that helps relieve... Sell your legs feel better and you feel better.
Or if you experience increased gambling, sexual or other intense urges. To get a good night's sleep, try two-layer Ambient CR. When taking Ambient CR, don't drive or operate machinery. Sleepwalking and eating or driving while not fully awake with memory loss for the event, as well as abnormal behaviors such as being more outgoing or aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation and hallucinations may occur. Don't take it with alcohol as it may increase these behaviors. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Licorice_Pizza | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Licorice Pizza, the latest lavish period piece from auteur director Paul Thomas Anderson, and a film whose vision is unfortunately marred by the unsettling decision to use a CGI recreation of actor Bradley Cooper after the star's untimely death in 2017. Telling the story of a young couple navigating their first love against the backdrop of a 1970s San Fernando Valley, Licorice Pizza is a gorgeous film, full of the same deft characterization and sumptuous cinematic flourishes we've come to expect from Anderson. Yet one can't help but be distracted by the frankly ghoulish choice of using digital trickery to bring Cooper back from the grave as hairdresser and producer John Peters. In past films, Anderson showed himself as a skillful director of actors. And this production is no different, with the director coaxing an impressive and scene-stealing performance out of newcomer Alana Heim.
Which makes it all the more frustrating that he felt the need to gild the lily by adding what amounts, essentially, to watching Cooper's digitally resurrected corpse. There's a deadness behind the virtual Cooper's eyes, a lack of true human emotion that will haunt viewers. Indeed, no matter how good such technology becomes, this robotic recreation of Cooper, composed of nothing but zeros and ones, still falls squarely into the uncanny valley.
It's understandable that Anderson would be disappointed that he never had an opportunity to work with an actor of Cooper's caliber before the star's routine trip to Disneyland in March 2017 turned tragic and he drowned on Splash Mountain. But the fact remains that one of our generation's finest actors is gone. And for a contemporary filmmaker to reanimate him is an insult to his memory. Admittedly, the CGI used to animate Cooper is, at times, impressive. Extracted, we're told, from his turns in The Hangover and Silver Linings Playbook. Yet moments like this, when we see through the technical wizardry, only further underline how unseemly the whole enterprise is. Who in the Cooper estate signed off on this travesty? And does the precedent set here mean we'll inevitably bring back other late stars like Sean Connery or Andrew Garfield? Simply put, no director, not even one as great as P.T. Anderson, should play God like this. Ultimately, the ghost of Bradley Cooper hangs over licorice pizza, tainting even those scenes in which he's not explicitly featured, with the grisly memory of Splash Mountain's waterway repeatedly sucking up his bloated corpse and sending it back down the waterfall. It gives licorice pizza an unintentionally grim and queasy quality, one that frankly should make the entire cast and crew ashamed. The best I can say, and it is surely damning with faint praise, is that Anderson is more successful here than the catastrophic attempt to create a realistic CGI likeness of actor Bill Nighy in 2006's Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest.
For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_210_Chris_Bowen_MP_ALP | How good is Australia?
You're listening to Decode, the Batutah Advocates podcast series for those Australians who have tuned out or never tuned in to the dark arts of federal politics. It's called being, you wouldn't believe it, a goddamn bloody adult. Well, we're on the home stretch of the federal election now with two more weeks to go until the Australian people head to the ballot to decide their future. If you've been following the Batutah Advocates coverage of this election with the Decode podcast, thank you for tuning in again. If you're new to the Decode podcast, you've chosen a hell of a first episode.
So far throughout this series, we've spoken to a lot of politicians and political players about a range of different topics. We've done candidate profiles. We've discussed the dark arts of polling and preferences, as well as the role the unions play, the history of both the Liberal and Labour Party. And following the trend of this current election campaign, we've also spoken to a lot of independents. Now with two weeks to go, we've decided to steer this ship back to the major parties because at the end of the day, regardless of how many crossbenches make it into parliament, the next government will be led by either a Liberal MP or a Labour MP.
My name's Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, and I'm joined as always by Errol Parker. How you going, Errol? It's a good morning here in the Diamantina Clear. It's starting to get a bit chilly, but I'll tell you what, it's gonna get much colder in Canberra in these last two and a half weeks. Absolutely.
And there's a lot of election fatigue going around. So we thought we'd tighten it up and start talking about, you know, what both major parties are running with on this final, final dash to the finish line. Today, we're talking to a shadow cabinet minister for Anthony Albanese's Labour Party. It didn't take us long to lock this one in because the ALP are trying to get their message out there, whichever way they can. For any Liberal staffers that might be listening, we'd love to hear from you about lining up a Liberal frontbencher for next week because we've spoken to Dave Sharma, we've spoken to Jason Falinski's people, we've spoken to Tim Wilson.
Even Josh Frydenberg's people won't get back to us. They don't want a barber.
So if you're listening, get back to us. We want you for this last episode. Today, for the second last episode, our guest is the shadow minister for climate change and energy, a high profile attack dog for the Labour Party and the member for McMahon deep out in the area, Western Sydney.
Thank you for joining us, Chris Bowen. Pleasure, Clancy. G'day, Errol. Good to be out of the big smoke and in the Diamantina in Petuta. It's always good to be back. Well, I'm sure David Little Power rolled out the red carpet for you this morning at the airport. He sent me a text message welcoming me to his patch. Yeah, no, he's good like that, to be fair.
Now, we want to talk to you about your story. We've seen you in a range of different cabinet portfolios and shadow portfolio roles. As I said before, you're a high profile face within the Labour Party. And as everyone seems to be tightening up, the Labour Party is looking, it's looking like a different thing this time around. It's looking like a well-oiled machine. What drew you to this machine? What's what we want to first start with?
I mean, aside from being a Western Sydney lad in an area that's always voted Labour, what drew you into the Labour Party? Yeah, so I grew up in Western Sydney on the, you know, as they say, the wrong side of the tracks.
My dad was a shift worker. He used to go off to work at 11 o'clock at night and come home at seven in the morning. My mum was a childcare worker who looked after kids in her own home. So she used to have to try and look after kids while dad was asleep in the front room.
So, you know, it was all going on. We lived in a, you know, Fireborough house in Smithfield. I was attracted to politics because I looked around me and thought there's stuff that's just not right. You know, obviously I was very unformed. I wasn't very sophisticated of you, but I looked around and I saw people working their guts out not really getting ahead. I saw people I went to school with who were clearly very bright and going to uni was never even a prospect. It wasn't anything we would talk about.
And I just had a feeling that there was a better way. And then I worked out pretty early to my way thinking that politics was a way to get your hands on the big levers to try and change things and make things fairer. And then I worked out pretty early that the Labour Party was the only party that cared about people like us, in my view, you know, and tried to make things a bit fairer and give people a fair shot at getting ahead. And so I took myself off as a 15 year old to the local Labour Party branch meeting in my school uniform. And I got a few looks as I walked in cause they thought, you know, who stacked him in? But I was actually just turning up to see what it was all about. And basically fell in love with the party from my first meeting.
And you know, the things that the Labour Party was talking about, this was at the time when Hawk was prime minister and Keating was treasurer. And you know, Keating was the member for the seat next door to ours. So he was a Western city boy. So it was all very exciting. So that's what drew me in, yeah. Well, I suppose, you know, a person like Paul Keating would have basically, you know, forged a bit of a path, really.
I mean, like he didn't have a top flight education. He didn't go to some fancy sandstone university and he ended up being the treasurer.
Yeah, absolutely. And you know, he sort of deployed the English language in the course of reform. You know, he wanted to change things. And that's what I was about, you know, in a very unformed, kiddie sort of a way. But I was interested in change. How are we going?
I didn't like the society. I didn't like community, the way it was working.
I knew that there was something wrong. I knew that our school was underfunded. I knew that just because it was a Western city public school, we were missing out. I knew that, again, as I said, there were heaps of kids I went to school with. I just knew they were smarter than me and they should be going to uni, but they weren't even thinking about it. I was thinking about uni, but it just wasn't something that you did by and large, you know, and you know, the hospital was, when I was growing up, our Fairfield hospital was built in World War II.
It was effectively fibro-full of asbestos. Nobody gave a shit about us, basically.
So I knew that, again, I thought in my own sort of immature way, well, I could go and work for not-for-profits and charities, but that's dealing with the symptoms. Politics is how you deal with the causes and you do what Paul Keating says, get your hands on the levers, the levers change things. And that's what drew me to labour politics.
We've interviewed a lot of footballers on the Batutah Advocate podcast, a lot of rugby league players who say similar things to what you're saying. For every bloke that makes it out of Western Sydney into the NRL or out of a country town in the NRL, there was a kid back home that just didn't follow that trajectory for whatever reason, quite often social issues, quite often, you know, their own drive.
What was it that got you through university? Did you come from a household that kind of had that, you know, were looking at that for you? Or was it your involvement in politics? Were you one of those labour kids that got a tap on the shoulder and said, mate, go get an education, we'll use you later?
I don't know, Clancy. I just don't know.
It was just in me. No, my parents obviously were wonderful parents. They loved me very much and, you know, gave me every support they could, but they'd never been to uni. It was never a thing for them. They worked hard to, you know, ensure that I had that option to support me, but no, it didn't come from them. They would have been equally, you know, supportive if I'd left school at year 10 and gone off to TAFE. That wasn't a big thing for them. So I don't know where it came from.
Again, I think it was just this feeling that, you know, things have got to change and I worked out. But for me, you know, a uni education was something I needed to get ahead and to, you know, make the mark I wanted to make on society. And yeah, nobody really pulled me aside in the labour pain and said, go get an education. But they did encourage me. You know, I look back and there were sort of three or four people I can name, some of whom aren't with us anymore, who said, you know, you got something going on, kid. You know, stick with it and work hard and you'll be okay and follow your dreams. So yeah, to a degree, I think, yeah, but it wasn't specific, it wasn't you go to uni and, you know, in 20 years time, we'll put you in parliament.
It was nothing like that. The life doesn't work like that in a labour party. But it was, you know, kid, you got something there. Just work on it and we'll see what happens.
This is in both major parties and it's in the Greens as well. A lot of youth politics kind of plays a big part in creating distrust in the major parties because you end up seeing these chosen ones. You know, the labour party in central Queensland, who, you know, I'm sure you guys haven't written off just yet. They've been voting for the Nats for quite a while now. But, you know, a big part of them swinging would have been the fact that they saw all these little, you know, born to rule kids from both major parties. The national party kind of doesn't emulate that and they work hard to make sure they don't look like those.
Well, yeah, they work out the perception. Yeah, yeah.
How did you avoid that yourself? You don't strike us as that. You don't strike us as someone who came through all that, you know, pointless kind of youth politics complaining about university membership fees and that kind of stuff. Or car parks and shit at uni where people are just kind of getting worked up and they like this cosplay of being a politician at 19 years old, which is actually not a very nice thing to kind of look at as a coal miner.
Well, you're onto me because, well, I never did student politics. I never really did young labour. I was a member and I helped out my mates, but it was never really my thing. You know, I was never on the executive or anything like that.
And to the degree that I ever did student politics, I, you know, I did join the labour club, but I was at uni when HECS was coming in, you know, when Hawke and Keating were introducing HECS. So it was even hockey up there. Well, except I turned up at the labour club meeting and said, I think this is a great idea.
I think we should pay. I think we should finance those who come after us. And I was in a minority of, you know, two or something, but I was like, no, we should be paying. And when we're earning money, we should be putting something back.
To be fair, it wasn't a minority too. There was a few of us who had that view, but it was by far, you wouldn't go out on the main quadrangle with a poster saying, you know, what do we want HECS and where do we want it now? You know, you end up pretty, pretty lonely.
So I focused more on the local staff, the local community. That's what more drove me. I was elected to my local council at a very young age. It's just what I was into. I was into sort of more the, again, what drove me into politics was our area missing out. So it struck me that, you know, student politics wasn't going to do anything about that. It was, it was more the local campaigns and the local infrastructure that got me going and to the degree that I was in student politics, in other words, you know, not very much at all. It was saying, I was really sort of putting a different point of view to say, you know, Joe Hockey was out there, as you said, sort of campaigning against a lot of those reforms. I was saying, I think they're pretty good.
Cause you know, we do want more people. We are not going to draw up their ladder behind us. We've got to help people get into uni.
And that means money. You know, when it comes down, it means money. And you know, we're all going to earn more because we've had this privilege of coming to university. So we should be bloody paying something.
Well, to his defence, 25 years later, he did say that the age of entitlement was over and that everyone needed to pull up their socks and get in the trenches. But I just want to quickly touch on how you reconcile, as you say, you know, how things weren't as easy as they could be out there in Western Sydney. How would you reconcile candidates like Andrew Charlton, you know, coming into Parramatta and Christina Keneally coming in next door into their field, like? No, it's a fair question. Well, look, Andrew grew up in Western Sydney.
He's done well. He's worked his guts out. He's moved away. Now he's moving back.
Give something back.
And Christina, likewise. I mean, she's not from Western Sydney, obviously. She's from America, but she's, you know, not from a privileged background. She's worked hard and she gets the community. She knows our community as well as Premier.
I understand the sort of criticism, but also I also understand that, you know, what Western Sydney ultimately needs is cabinet ministers fighting for the area and sitting around a cabinet table. Now, the member for Fowler, for example, which is the seat Christina is running for, has never had a cabinet minister. They've never had somebody at the cabinet table. Christina would be at the cabinet table in a Labour government.
And I know she'll be saying, well, I live in this community, but she has. She's moved there, you know, you're right to raise her background, but yeah, she's living there now. She will be a senior cabinet member. Same, you know, Andrew won't be immediately a cabinet member, but I think with all the grief, he's got huge potential. So, you know, that's really- Came up with JobKeeper. Well, yeah. And she did tweet the other day that she was in COVID isolation at home in Liverpool. Well, you know, fair enough that she points it out. Because there have been stories saying she's promised to move there if she wins. No, she's moved there now. So, you know. That's another thing I want to ask you about. You know, there's that yarn going around that she's promised to move there.
Last election, there was a death tax that was being peddled by Clive Palmer and actually your Liberal opposition, the Morrison government. You can't play dirty because obviously you've got to be very careful. You know, the opposition has to be perfect and the current government can do whatever they like. And we see it, you know, Albanese makes a gaffe on the first day of the campaign and it's the front page for a week. You know, if Morrison had done the same thing, it wouldn't have- I don't want to put you in a position where you have to say that there's a bias, but we would say that there is, particularly with the Murdoch rags.
Now, what I want to ask is, how do you not lose your temper? You know, because there's a lot of pettiness that you have to deal with. I mean, there's people up there targeting you. How do you know I don't, how do you know I don't, Clancy? How do you know I don't walk around swearing for five minutes before I hold the press conference? Yeah, that's the question. How do you not just blow your lid? Because Morrison does. He did the other day without the rates rise. It's not about politics. Like, how do you not blow a fuse and call someone a fucking prick on Sky News when you do roll that gauntlet? Look, I've been doing this a while now, and I sort of channel my frustration as opposed to my anger, really.
I was very frustrated the last election about this death tax bullshit, you know? Because it was just a complete fantasy, which they just invented. And I thought, oh, I better go out and deal with it. And so I held a press conference saying there will be no death tax. And so what do they do? They cut an ad of me saying death tax 10 times, you know, and then ran and said, why is Labour talking about a death tax? Yeah, well, because you bastards are talking about a death tax. It is a lie.
So yeah, I do find that frustrating, but there's no point, you know, getting angry about it. You know, you just deal with it and you come up with the best response and you come up with the best counter. And that's usually, you fight fear with facts.
We're dealing with it now with climate, right? They're out there saying all sorts of things about our climate policy. Our climate policies, you know, if I say so myself, well-designed, it's sensible, it's well-calibrated, it's pro-economic growth.
But they'll just go out and say what they say about it. And they'll say, they'll also, as I sometimes say to colleagues, well, they're just gonna invent our policies anyway. So we should have good ones. So if we don't have a good policy, they'll just go out and say what our policy is. They'll just invent it. And whether it's a death tax or a carbon tax, whatever it is, they just invent it. So we're better off having good solid policies like we've got in climate, which we can encounter with the facts.
And I just channel my frustration into doing that. And yeah, I mean, of course I get up and I read the papers in the morning very early. And of course I have a, huh, here we go again.
You know, this is just ridiculous. But then you think, well, I tell you what it is. We counter it, we deal with it. And I think too, also, you just gotta remember that people also aren't stupid. I mean, they don't factor it in. When you've got a anti-labor front page every day on the Telegraph, people don't necessarily think, oh, well, that's what I think then, because they read the Telegraph. They know that's the Telegraph view, right? So they factor that in. You know, you can't tell yourself that it's, that people are going, oh, I was gonna vote Labour, but now I read this in the Telegraph.
So no, I won't. I mean, that's by and large not happening.
Yeah, if it did happen, then Dan Andrews would have been assassinated by now. And Anastasia Palaszczuk would have lost by a landslide, and as would have McGowan, I guess. And Alan Jones would still have a job, I guess.
But look, I just wanna touch on a few things. I was talking to a few locals up here this morning about it. They were talking about what efforts Australia can do to limit their carbon emissions. Because in the scheme of things, they say, you know, we're a population of 25 million. Our democracy is just an appendix on the toxic kind of mega column that is, you know, the Western world. Is that what they said this morning on the streets? And they said, but like, what impact would, you know, 25 million people reducing their carbon emissions have in the scheme of things when you've got, you know, billions of people all over the world who are still trying to live like Americans? Yeah, look, I hear that argument a lot. I hear it, frankly, not that the people on the streets of Batuta would be coming from this point of view, but I hear that from people who are effectively climate change deniers or delays, right? Ah, that doesn't matter. Let me make a couple of key points.
One, we're the 14th biggest emitter in the world, right? We're the first or second in per capita terms, but the 14th biggest in absolute terms. I.e., so that argument says really, well, sure, somebody should do something about it. The 13 countries that emit more than us should do something about it, but us and the 170 countries that emit the same as us or less than us, we shouldn't have to worry.
That's just complete nonsense, right? Complete bullshit.
We're all in this, right? And yes, so we can't say just because we're the 14th biggest emitter in the world that somehow what we do doesn't count. Secondly, we are about 1% of emissions, sure, but we were 1% of troops in World War II as well. We don't say, well, none of that counted. That would be a ridiculous argument.
It all counted. What we did counted. Everybody did count it.
Even the Kiwis. Especially our Anzac cousins.
So it all counts, and it's just a cop-out to say, well, the rest of the world should do something because every country would say that. America would say, well, we're not gonna do anything till China does, and China would say, well, hang on, we're late to this economic growth party, so America should go first. It's just not gonna wash.
And we are the largest, or the second largest emitter per capita, so we've got a certain moral obligation, I think, and we've got a real obligation. And final point, not only do we have an obligation, it's good for our economy. But we should make the transition because we can be a renewable energy powerhouse. We've been searching for 234 years for a comparative advantage where more sunlight hits our landmass than any other country in the world, where above average wind, our offshore wind is closer to shore, so it's cheaper than average around the world. So we've got massive advantages.
Why wouldn't we be doing this? Why wouldn't we be taking these opportunities?
The world's third highest reserves of uranium as well.
Yeah, sure. But I'm really focused on making us a renewable energy powerhouse because there are massive opportunities there, and there's countries in our region next door, close by, that can't really do this on their own. Take Singapore, for example. One thing that renewable energy does need is space, and they don't have it. They're a city state. They'll have to buy renewable energy off us, really, if we can produce it and get it to them. Now, we can do that. Like, take SunCable, for example, which is a massive solar farm in the Northern Territory, 24 million solar panels. It's gonna sell solar energy to Singapore via a submarine cable. I mean, that's just the tip of the iceberg and what we can do as a country. So yeah, we do, Errol, have an obligation, in my view, just because we're 1% of emissions doesn't let us off the hook, but even if we didn't have a moral obligation, this is good for us.
And this is what I've been trying to achieve in the climate change portfolio is to break down this 20 years of liberal lies that, oh, actually, on climate change, you're able to cost you your job. No, it's gonna create jobs. And yes, there's change coming. Yes, there's economic change coming, absolutely. You can pretend it's not happening like Matt Canavan and put your head in the sand and say, the world's always gonna need our coal and nothing's gonna change. Or you can say, no, the world is changing.
80% of our trading partners are decarbonising, but we can create this new energy. We've got a massive opportunity, and it's a myth that there's no jobs in renewable energy. There's plenty of jobs in renewable energy. There's plenty of jobs in the regions. The areas that have powered Australia for so long, like the Hunter Valley, Central Queensland, Illawarra, Collie Bunbury, all of them will power us in the future, but the world is gonna change and we can have policies to actually give a framework to get that investment going in renewable energy and create the jobs of the future. I'd say that there has been a bit of an issue though with the Labour Party in the last couple of elections where the word transition out of the reliance on fossil fuels means that the young men and women on the outer metro areas who go to work in high vis and drive a Ford Ranger, they see that as being the end of their halcyon days of earning a high income. Can people be transitioned away from these high paying jobs in this kind of sector into a high paying job in the renewable energy sector?
Yeah, and you're right. Whenever the Labour Party traditionally has said transition, again, the Christensons and Canavans and Joyce's have said, aha, they are gonna transition you out of a job. That's basically their words. You'll be living in the mangroves.
Yeah, so I talked about the transformation of the economy and all the jobs that are gonna be created. It's more than a transition. Transition is not like something you have to do because you're sort of forced to transfer. We can transform the economy. Renewable energy jobs can be created with the right policies and they can be well-paying and more and more.
I mean, we can manufacture more in Australia. We put 60 million solar panels on roofs in Australia in the last 10 years. How many have been made in Australia? 1%.
Couldn't tell you. 1%. 99% made in mainly China.
But the solar panel is mainly an Australian invention, the modern solar panel, University of New South Wales. So we've exported the technology and we've exported the jobs. So with the right policy settings, we're gonna put a lot more than 60 million solar panels in the next 10 years as we move really to a much more renewable economy. We should be making them here. We should be making batteries here. We're the world's largest source of lithium.
We should be adding the value. Again, these are all opportunities we'll miss out on if we just keep pretending it's not happening and arguing about whether we're really committed to net zero or not, which is what the government of the day is doing. They're wasting time. Get on with it. And we wanna get on with it.
Well, this is kind of almost a greater question about decentralisation. But as Errol just pointed out there, the word transition is terrifying to both carbon exposed workers and of course the coalition government. Say, the Labour Party wins this election.
You're running the ball on this portfolio. You pull into a town like Mackay, 40 to 60,000 people. I'm gonna say up to 10,000 people, their livelihood relies on the fossil fuel sector.
What can you do for those people? You know, if you had the power and everyone was working with you and you had a majority government, what are you gonna say to those people? Because they do have a lifestyle, they have a life that they don't wanna lose. Would you say they're FIFOs anyway? Would you send them to the lithium mines instead?
What's the plan there? And what is the plan for the regions?
So, Clancy, I do that already as a shadow minister. I go into regional towns. It's part of my job to talk to people in the cities, but it's a big part of my job to talk to people in the regions. And I keep doing it as minister if we win.
I go to coal-fired power stations and I go to gas-fired power stations and we have the high vis meetings. And as I say to them, I've gotta win the argument with you because if I can convince you, you're the ones with your jobs actually on the line. And I talk to them about the changes and I talk to them about how the world's moving away from coal. And I talk to them about how there'll be no new coal-fired power stations. In coal-fired power stations, you know? And you know what? Those conversations, sure, they can be a little bit pointed at times, but they're good conversations. And I have not had one worker ever say to me, ever, we want a new coal-fired power station.
Because these guys aren't stupid, right? They see the world moving. They know what's happening and they worry about the future, sure.
But they know that when this coal-fired power station closes, nobody's gonna build a new one. It's just not gonna happen. So what's gonna replace it?
Well, that's what the conversation you can have with them about green hydrogen and electrolyzers and how many jobs are involved and the benefits of hydrogen and the benefits of storage and what that means and the opportunities for export and creating jobs. And you know, I sometimes use the example, you know, you might think of this town as a coal town. It's like Kodak thinking of themselves as a film company when actually they're an image company, right? If they'd seen the world changing and thought, well, we help people save their memories, it happens to be through film, but we're gonna transition to a new technology. Kodak might still be around today. Same with the community. You say, well, you're not actually a coal or gas town, you're an energy town. So, you know, you can make energy and you can store energy and there's lots of jobs in it. And as I said, you know, those conversations go pretty well.
They have, the workers have views about how it should happen. And you know, they have views about retraining. A lot of people in the city say, man, why don't we just retrain the workers? I say, it's not that simple because while retraining's important, when I go to the workers, they say, yeah, retraining has gotta have a job at the end. You know, no point in retraining is having all these courses to make us bulldozer drivers if there's no bulldozer drivers at the end of it.
You gotta have a plan and you gotta have an end point. And we do. You know, that's why our policies, which we put out in December, we had them modeled independently.
It shows 604,000 jobs created from the policy settings, five out of six of them in the regions. So that's what I can talk about when I go to those regions and say, you know, if we get this policy right and the settings right and the certainty, and we get the investment going, the jobs are gonna be created here, not in the cities.
Of course, apart from solar panels on our roofs, we can't make energy in the cities. We don't have the, it's not what we do. We don't have the space. We don't have the skills. We don't have the access to the grid.
That all happens in the Hunter Valley in Queensland, et cetera. So, you know, as I said, those conversations in the regions go pretty well and they live and breathe the energy economy. They see it. They know more about it than most of us in the cities. And they know when they're being sold nonsense as the National Party sells them. And I think they're up for a very constructive conversation. Well, speaking of the National Party, there are a lot of people who listen to this show on the tractors all up and down the East.
Did you see that British MP the other day? He was caught in the House of Commons chamber looking at pornography. And he said, I was searching for tractors, but I got, somehow it took me to a porn site. In the pop-up, the old pop-up link.
So especially in this country, the farmers are essentially a protected species to the point where they need to be brought to the table whenever we start talking about climate change, because farmers are the biggest emitters of carbon in our economy, you know, through livestock and whatnot. How is labour engaging the agriculture kind of sector on where they're moving forward with your climate policy? Yeah, again, I think there's been a shift change here. I think there's, again, a bit of a myth in some media that somehow rural people or farmers aren't on board for climate change action. That's not my experience, because farmers love the country they farm and they see it changing in front of their eyes. You know, of course, I mean, I don't want to generalise because of course there are some who have different views, but all the evidence shows farm profits are down, farm productivity is down, you know, as a total because of climate change. Because the country is changing and not in a good way.
So there's lots of groups out there, like Farmers for Climate Action, and there's others who I've engaged in with. And again, they want to be part of, and they see the opportunities again. You know, see the opportunities of carbon farming. They see opportunities from better soil management.
They see the opportunities of the, you know, famous asparagopsis seaweed, which stops methane from cows, you know. Sure, it's complicated. You know, sure, there's challenges, but- Kat is a big supporter of that one, actually, the old algae. Yeah, Bob loves his algae. But you know, asparagopsis, again, it sounds, you know, very nerdy, but that's Australian scientists who've worked out that this particular type of seaweed, if you put a little bit in feed, can reduce a cow's methane emissions by up to 80% or more.
Now, again, we're a broad acre farming country. I'm not pretending it's all simple or easy, but if you don't engage with the farming community, you're not going to make any progress. And the farming community does want to be engaged.
And the National Party, I think, has got it wrong. Or they've got it right, because maybe Matt Canavan has actually been honest about one thing, because he did say in a podcast, not this one, but another one, a couple of months ago, we don't represent farmers. No, we represent- No, he likes to represent people like his brother, I guess. Yeah, he's got a different view of what the country party used to be.
Yeah, and he's from the Gold Coast, and he's Italian. Now, I want to talk to you about the Labor Party in the bush. So, as anyone would know with family in the bush, we've been voting Nat in the Maranoa since about the 40s, but a lot of the regions, there was a labor MP between the catters up there, between Bob and his father, there was a labor MP. And a lot of the regions, particularly in the days of shearing, before the wide comb dispute, there was always, labor always had a presence in the bush, and in fact, that was the heartland in many kind of regional electorates.
You're talking to us about the regions and everyone you're talking to being open-minded and willing to come to the table with some of the ideas. Not everyone, but a lot, yeah. Coming to the table with some of the ideas you're bringing out there, what's going on in Labor HQ where they're not saying, let's get out there, let's spend a year campaigning out there.
How have you lost some of these regions? Like, what is stopping you from going out there and having another dig?
I mean, in a crazy, crazy universe in this election where we end up with some sort of hung scenario and the teals or whatever. I mean, what's stopping a labor national coalition? Yeah, you're right. Historically, there have been labor, country party coalitions, yeah, at the state level, including not that long ago in South Australia, there was a national party minister in Mike Rand's government. I don't think that's gonna happen nationally. I think there's just too much of a gap between the national party and the labor party because the national party sort of sometimes called us all socialists, but they have a very different view of...
Surely there's a spot for Darren Chester, I mean. Darren Chester's a good bloke.
Yeah, he doesn't really fit into the modern national party, I suspect. But in terms of the labor party, you're right. I love labor party history and there's a lot of rural history to the labor party. I mean, something about greatest looters have been from the bush. I mean, Andrew Fisher, our second prime minister, was the member for Wide Bay in Queensland. And if you look even in New South Wales at the history, you know, the McKell government, William McKell became labor premier of New South Wales in the 40s and he started that very long period of labor government, which went into the 60s. His whole strategy was a country strategy. He wanted labor members in the bush and it worked. Most of the seats in the bush in New South Wales were labor.
Now, it's hard work. We've got a lot of work to do, but we do it.
You know, Albo and I were traveling through farms and rural New South Wales earlier this year when lockdown finished. We've got senators who are working their guts out. You know, Senator Deb O'Neill, for example, in New South Wales is always visiting country seats.
I do it when I can because I think it's important. I do think in my particular portfolio, as we've discussed, it's huge opportunities. Does that mean we're gonna, you know, all of a sudden win country seats? No, but I mean, I wouldn't write us off in the medium to longer term as becoming more competitive in the regions and I would certainly want to. Yeah, what, so you'd just kind of be coming back to your Ben Chifley roots? Yeah, yeah. I suppose you could call the areas, you know, of Orange and Bath as part of the country, but I think that Sydney's creeping further and further and further. Well, it certainly was when he was the member there and living there, right? Yeah. I wanna talk to you about this dark horse that's coming through in the shape of independence.
Not really a concern for the Labor Party because they're targeting moderate liberal seats. Could become a real concern in the next few weeks for Morrison. One thing that the Liberal Party does is they're basically in chaos outside an election, particularly the New South Wales liberals had a big problem with Morrison. We all saw that and these pre-selection dramas and all that, yada, yada, yada. But they tighten up for an election and they run pretty well. What do you think is wrong with the current government that is making them lose their blue ribbon seats?
I mean, we can talk about climate change easily. That's a big element of this.
It's a big concern in the inner cities. It's a big concern on the overinsured houses of Northern Beaches, Sydney with the eroding sand and the swimming pools going into the Pacific Ocean. They'll almost be uninsurable soon, I'll tell you what.
But what else is it? Do you think it's a personality thing? Do you think there is just an ick? I put that down quite often. The female voters are aware of an ick and they have a sixth sense about a person or a machine.
I think there's a bit of that, but particularly with some of the terrible things that have happened in parliament and parliament house over the last few years. But I think there's also a broader problem for the government and for the Liberal Party. And it is about climate change, but let me put it in broader terms. For years, the Liberal Party has gotten away with being basically all things to all people.
So they ran around at the last election in 2019, saying in the regions, climate action is gonna cost you your job, climate action is gonna cost your job. And frankly, city voters didn't hold them to account for that. They could get away with it. So they could win Cooyong and they could win Capricornia with very different messages. I think city voters have caught up with them. So we're not putting up with this anymore. You are not going to delay climate action and you are not going to run around getting seats in the bush and think we're okay with it by your lies. Take those seats that are under challenge, whether it be Cooyong, Wentworth or North Sydney or Goldstein or McKellar or Curtin. They're not sort of radical communities, right? They're quite frankly well off and historically economically conservative, but they're also wanna see action on some of the biggest issues facing our country, including climate change. And they're just sick of it. They're just sick of the inaction and they're sick of this nonsense argument that they run in seats in regional Australia to try and get people's votes. And they know it's not true. And they're now holding them to account. I don't know exactly how those seats will fall, but I know the Liberals are now being held to account because the Liberals just sort of took these communities for granted and say, oh, they'll keep voting for us. Cooyong, Wentworth, we can get away with delaying climate action. We can get away with lying about the economic impacts in the bush because these voters won't hold us to account because they say it's always been Liberal. Well, that's not the case anymore.
So obviously I want people in those seats to vote Labour, but stretch for most of them, just too far, but they're looking, having a serious look at the independence in many of those seats. Some of them are, we've got good Labour candidates in many of the seats as well, but I do recognise it's a genuine contest and we'll see what happens. It is very interesting, but I do think that's what it comes down to. It's just, you know, those voters saying we're as mad as hell, we're not gonna take it anymore. I just wanna quickly talk about this Help to Buy scheme that's helping, that we all hope, a lot of Australians into their first home. A few criticisms around that. It's kind of limited to 10,000 at the moment, which, you know, in the scheme of things is really a fart in the wind, really. Is there any plan to expand this any further? I mean, like, I know that the incoming government now, they have, you know, a first home scheme that really is more about optics and whatnot. I think a lot of voters were really hoping that Labour's answer to that would have had a bit more substance, but at the same time, a lot of voters know that the country's broke at the moment and we can't go around spending all this money on stupid things like other people's houses. I think, Gerald, that 10,000 is a decent number. Yeah, you're right, it's a small proportion of the broad population, but we're talking about it as a proportion of, you know, frankly, mainly young people trying to get into the market. So it's a bigger proportion of first home buyers, right? So it does make a difference. Of course, you know, we'll see how it goes and, you know, if it's working very well, as I expect it will be, then obviously, you know, we'd like to do more if and when we can, but, you know, one step at a time. It's a huge issue.
And, you know, we're the only party, you know, of government, i.e. a party that might form government going to the election with a housing affordability plan. I mean, what's the government's plan? Absolutely nothing.
I mean, to just, you know, deflect straight to them, but, you know, our plan is good and I see the Liberal Party's now sort of reduced to, oh, well, you know, there's gonna be an independent assessment of the renovations and, you know, they might not be able to leave it to the kids. I mean, they're down really sort of, I know when you're sort of attacking that level of data, I mean, you really think it's probably a good idea, but you've got to find something to complain about it. So look, I think it's a good policy. It's been working at the state level. You know, again, you can say only 10,000, sure, but it sits also alongside the existing state schemes, which have impact on people, help people, like Western Australia and South Australia have got schemes which are very, very similar to this.
So you put them together and if you're a young person trying to get the market, you'll have a choice. I could go to the West Australian key start or I could go to the federal scheme, you know, et cetera. You've got options. So it's giving people more options.
And does it solve all the problems overnight? Sure.
I actually think it's a, I mean, it's the first time the Commonwealth's sort of gone down this road or an opposition has flagged this at the federal level. First time, you know, that this has been done. So I think it's a pretty good start.
Well, a lot of these kind of schemes and policies are aimed at, you know, stimulating industries that are predominantly, you know, staffed by men. What's labour gonna do for women? A big issue for women is finding the time and the leave entitlements to start a family. And then there's reentering the workforce after to that. And really the only way that a lot of women can reenter the workforce is through childcare.
Well, I guess I point to three things, Errol. One, on the weekend we announced that this might sound like pretty basic, but it's actually pretty important.
On the weekend we announced that we'd have gender pay equity as an objective of the Fair Work Act. Like it actually should be something we're trying to do. We technically made differential wages illegal in Australia in, I think, 1969. We still have a massive gender pay gap for all sorts of reasons. And our government should at least be trying to fix that. And we wanna make a contribution to that by getting the Fair Work Act moving in that direction. Secondly, again, this won't apply to everyone and it's not exclusively to be clear a female issue, but we should have domestic violence leave in Australia.
You should be able to take time to deal with the most difficult circumstances you're probably gonna face in your life and not be worried about losing a job. So we would deal with that. And then finally, as you said, childcare, we have a pretty big childcare offering, which just makes it easier for so many families, including young families with primarily mums getting back into the workforce. And again, the government just sort of says, oh, it's nothing to see here. Well, we've got a pretty big, that's actually a pretty big difference, pretty big offering there. So I guess I point to those three things as pretty substantial policy offerings for exactly the sort of issues that you're talking about. Yeah, I just wanna quickly unpack that childcare offering in that a lot of women who find themselves going back to work, they're honestly only going back just to pay childcare. So I think one of the biggest issues is the affordability of childcare. How does this scheme tackle that? Basically it provides more support to exactly, exactly, you're right.
Families going, oh, should I go back to work? Well, actually I'll only just be making enough to pay for childcare. So maybe I should go back to work for other reasons, but it's not for financial reasons. And that's a pretty tough decision for families to make.
So it basically provides a lot more support to families right up and down wherever they are in the system and provides less of a, if you like an effective, you call that the effective tax rate, right? You're effectively taxing some women, primarily women going back to workforce at like 110%. Yeah, exactly, yeah. So our policy actually sort of explicitly tackles that, explicitly deals with it and says, well, actually this is wrong. There's all sorts of reasons why we want women back in the workforce, partly for them, partly for the economy. Yeah, that's good. The economy needs them back. So let's get rid of this ridiculous effective tax rate. And that's basically what the policy does.
I want to thank you for answering our questions. Honestly, I also want to thank you for leaving yourself so exposed. You're lucky in the sense that it's on the Batutah Advocate podcast because any newspaper that would want to take you out of context would get laughed out of the room for referencing the Batutah Advocate as a source. I don't know, I find one of Australia's more credible newspapers. Well, thank you for that.
But there'll be no favours to you heading into this election. No, we have been courted by both sides in the past and I'll tell you what, we know who butters our bread.
Bob Carter. Fair enough, who could argue with Bob Carter?
I do want to ask you the fun questions now. Where do you think you're going to get up? What's your path to victory? We spoke to Albo about six months ago and he said he had high hopes for the very tip. Leichhardt, I'm not sure if that's still a similar feeling, but where are you guys looking at forging this path to victory?
Well, look, Clancy, I actually genuinely think this is going to be really close. We meant to say it's really close. I actually really think it's going to be close. I think despite the fact that Morrison is, you know, as popular as the proverbial and the proverbial, you know, it's going to be tight and it's not easy for us to form government ever from opposition. So I think it's going to be tight.
Yes, the set of Leichhardt is one we're very interested in. In Sydney, I'd be looking closely at the set of Read, Sally Situ, our excellent candidate there. I've got high hopes for her. I'd be looking at the set of Robertson, Dr. Gordon Reads, our candidate there. We've got hopes there.
Jerome Lexarle in Bennelong, Bennelong's seat with only one once, famously. Well, in the same kind of fashion that we saw 11 years ago, really, which is when Howard lost it after the race were increased in the middle of an election campaign. That's just a few, that's not exclusive lists, but there are a few sets I'd be looking at down in Sydney, a long way from the Diamantina, but that's where I'd be looking in Sydney is a few, obviously those Tasmanian seats are always tight.
I mean, we talk about- Andrew Wilkie's on a knife, isn't he? Yeah, I mean, well, we'd like a Labour member there. He's the only teal candidate running against Labour, isn't he? Yeah, that is traditional Labour seat, which he's held for now quite a few years.
Yeah, but look, Bass and Braddon, the seats that we are really trying to win, they're always hard to call and always very, very close. Bass in particular, we talk about insecure work. The member for Bass traditionally has a pretty insecure job and we'll be trying pretty hard to get Ross Hart elected there in Bass.
Now, I also appreciate you not being too confident, not being too cocky. Looking back at that last election, there was a lot of different things we point to. I guess I would point to the regions being misunderstood. Things were good before the bushfires and the pandemic. And there were a lot of things that people didn't want to change in their lives.
Is there an element of playing it safe? Negative gearing was a relatively radical policy in the scheme of things, when you talk to anyone who had the free education and got into the housing market in the 1980s with a house that cost $25,000 and is a genius for having that foresight. What would you say about the current approach? Are you playing it safe or do you think you're taking some risks with your policy? Yeah, I think, look, the last election is a bit like a game of Jenga.
You never know quite which thing you pulled out if there's courts of the tower to fall. And we'll all have views and you'd never really know any number of factors.
There were lots of things in hindsight. In hindsight, you look back and think, yeah, we probably could have done that better. And it's not just any one particular thing. But to your question, I would put it this way that we're more focused this time. I don't think it's actually less ambitious, but at the last election, we had lots of things going on and we did open ourselves up to the whole scare campaign thing because any one particular policy you could defend. But then when you actually had it as part of the whole sort of picture, we were defending too many flanks and it became just ultimately too hard. And then we were dealing with the whole culture wars in the regions, et cetera, as you said, which again, in hindsight, there's things we could have and should have done differently in all of us.
But I think we've really sort of taken the approach now of, okay, let's really focus in, I would argue a climate change policy, which is ambitious, 43%. We've got 92 months to achieve it. That's not long. That's actually a big task. And we knew doing that we'd be opening ourselves up to this silly scare campaign. That's fine. We'll just deal with it. But we are trying to sort of pick the fights pretty carefully. So we've got a pretty focused agenda so we can concentrate on those things where we can really make the case for a mandate.
Thank you for joining us, Chris Bowen, all the best. And what's your team out there? Bulldogs? Parramatta and the mighty Western Sydney Giants. I know you're not particularly AFL people, but Western Sydney Giants. I would say as a parliamentary member from Western Sydney, it would be safe to have an AFL team. Yes. Thank God that the AFL has made it easy for you. Yeah, well that's right, because we've got one team for Western Sydney. And of course, there's Western Sydney Wanderers in the roundabout coat.
Well, I hope that your political party does better than all three of those teams in the next few weeks. But it's a low bar.
Thanks, mate. Good to see you guys. |
Fitzthistlewits | let_s_surreptitiously_play_copyrighted_materials | Hi guys, it's Fitz Thistlewitz here. Now, I know a lot of you might be wondering what I've been up to these past few months. Uh, a few naysayers claim that I panicked at the boost in subscribers that I got a while back. You know, as if I would be intimidated by a larger audience. Truth be told, I was actually working day and night, for three months, on a 200 hour Let's Play Spectacular.
But unfortunately, it contained copyrighted materials belonging to a certain company. A COFF. COFF. Asterisks around the coughs. Who have decided to crack down on that sort of thing.
Oh yeah, I became a partner recently. Not in a gay way, but in a YouTube way. So I actually get paid for this shit that I do. And I'm gonna be honest with you here, I never liked making these videos. I'm purely in it for the money at this point.
Now, to get around that pesky copyright, I sent my Let's Play to a crack team of Chinese animators. The same ones that I hired to make my Game Grumps animated video. Uh, they traced over the footage that I sent them and they sent me this back. Um, I added the music and sound effects myself, which I think you'll find are similar too.
But legally distinct from a certain game series that shall not be named. Sonic.
Now, uh, getting this animation done wasn't cheap. In fact, uh, just to break even, I'll need to get 7.5 million views by next Friday.
Um, I'm cautiously optimistic, but you know. So yeah, this is Marion. He's a French carpenter from the fungus fiefdom. Eh, it's funny, right? He has a brother, Louis, Louis, and this is a 2D indie retro platformer. Which is, I'm familiar with that genre. You have to navigate the platforms and eventually overthrow Emperor Napoleon. He's like a giant armadillo or something, I don't know.
Look, I know it's not as good as the real thing, but um, desperate times call for desperate measures. Let's be honest, this channel has seen its fair share of hardships. Uh, remember that ill-advised video I made about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict? The one that got taken down by the CIA to protect the lives of both myself and my followers. Well this is just yet another one of those awkward situations. But we're just gonna have to, just gonna have to, just bite the bullet. Metaphorically, not like those Palestinian children, okay? I'm so sorry.
Ooh, one up! Now this part here, I was actually startled by a passing crow as it flew past my window. And I thought it was screaming my name, but it was just going Crows! Crows!
You know, I don't know, there's something wrong with it. So yeah, I died here, but it wasn't my fault, it was an accident. Um, I actually thought about asking the animation company to edit this bit out, but um, according to Google Translate there isn't a Cantonese word for shed, or crow.
So I uh, I decided to just let them get on with it. It's more honest that way. And I'm an honest person, I don't really have any faults whatsoever. I'm sort of like Jesus, but you know, I don't really have a beard or anything.
So yeah, that's it for episode one, if you'd like to follow me on Twitter. Well that's a shame because I don't use that website. If you'd like to see a video of me shouting at some ducks, click here. If you'd like to ask me a question, don't be shy! Send me a pum, and I'll maybe answer it in a Q&A video. Which may or may not be made, maybe, probably not. |
cracked | the_horrifying_hidden_subplot_you_missed_in_star_wars_after_hours | No Star Wars, but it's Star Wars day. May the 4th of May be with you and also September I just think that Star Wars is racist is a pretty short conversation I mean you could cut together a montage of all the offensive stereotypes.
This is your humble servant I sold that. That's what all communications.
You had nothing fucking better to do not to mention that the only black people in the series are The traitor the villain this one guy and this other guy Did you just refer to Samuel L. Jackson as this other guy? Oh, no, I actually forgot he was in it. Oh, who cares?
We did it. So what Star Wars is racist. We know bye Thanks Daniel great conversation rich topic. This was a short.
I'm not talking about racial stereotypes in Star Wars I'm talking about the oppression and enslavement of an entire people in Star Wars a shiny happy people drag Or a whiny crappy people Shut up droids. I'm tired about droids shut up. Okay, everybody knows that the droids are essentially slaves I mean they're round up strange shipped fast distances sold for manual labors to masters I really don't think that I need to keep going is this conversation already over two sides There are human slaves in the prequels. I would say the droid slaves are a step up Maybe even a step up to the streets. Anyway droids aren't people they're not souls I call bantha shit on that.
This is a space fantasy about magic bugs that communicate with a mystical force inside trees and Rocks and everything you're telling me the two best friends with emotions and personalities don't have souls Yeah, they're programmed to have personalities Just like your program to be the way that you are and somehow not notice it But why program them to have emotions? What good are emotions? To for joy droids. What good are emotions for droids? I know Why we have them Yeah, it helps people and robots connect and understand each other strengthening relationships and leading to more efficient work more efficient slave work They're slaves and they're programmed to be fine with it.
They're not mistreated. They want to work Oh, but they are mistreated C3po and R2 stroll into a cantina full of in monsters in Freaks and they the nice helpful ones are refused service There's a guy with balls on his face in the middle of the day and he's allowed to drink there We don't serve their kind here. It's not like they're gonna order a drink.
It's a droid No one has to serve them anything George Exactly my the point nobody what is about upsetting a droid nobody ever worries nobody ever cares. Don't be silly Daniel that cares nobody Even though they played an integral part in the Clone Wars and even though they were owned slash made by the second most dangerous person in The galaxy in the original trilogy Nobody recognizes R2 and 3po because to the galactic population all droids look alike also They torture droids They torture humans Okay, but why torture droids though, you don't need to convince them of anything You don't need to get information out of them. If you want to you just open them up and tweak or take I mean, why make them feel pain? Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain and furthermore Lee? Why would you program them to scream like that? They didn't always feel pain remember in episode 2 attacking the Bubba Fets C3po gets torn apart in that Hilarious and very necessary robot factory sequence and he doesn't feel a twinge of pain just puns Twinges and twinges of puns Okay So they didn't program them to feel pain until later that would explain why 3po is so afraid in the original trilogy Or the original trige as I've just now decided to call it for the rest of my life in The original trige 3po knows he can feel pain. So he flips out all the time The possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately three thousand seven hundred and twenty to one I'm standing here in pieces and you're having delusions of grandeur Please don't deactivate me Even fears death No, no, please don't get up So they build these droids and they give them personalities emotions the ability to feel pain to fear their own death And then they treat them like garbage It's like they were made to suffer. We seem to be made to suffer It's our lot in life all based on the metal of their skin. Okay, but we're still on saying why I mean, why do people all of a sudden decide to hate and enslave droids?
Well, what happened in the prequels the galaxy was almost torn apart by a huge robot army The second most dangerous person in the galaxy is mostly droid. He's more machine now than man People just stopped trusting droids even though you could easily program them to be more trustworthy Come to think of it vader should have done something about all of this. He knows how to build and program droids. He's Pretty droid. These are his people. He should free them He's adopted beeping people liberate the people you should give a stirring. I have a dream of electric sheep speech I mean vader was a slave when he was a child He would be the perfect person to take on the cause and fix this galactic misstep I'm good at fixing things. He does already treat humans like humans treat droids Yeah, it's like he hates the human part of himself, but he feels empathy for the robot and slave parts Then again, he did seem pretty content being subservient to a rich old white man that he called master. Okay, so maybe growing up In slavehood has conditioned him to need that relationship like uncle tom for droids like uncle tron.
I did my best not very good Okay, so did we actually come up with like a point? Like I feel like there's a lot of really good stuff right there, but I don't think we ever Got to anything. Maybe it's all subconscious.
Maybe it's in there because george lucas is afraid of technology fear leads to anger Or he's angry at it anger leads to hate does george lucas hate technology hate leads to suffering No, that's that's wrong No deeper meaning just a guy whose most complex thought about stories is that blue equals good and red equals bad There you go again judging someone by the color of their lightsaber instead of the content of their midichlorians and i'm back out Maybe the next star wars sequels will be about the droids fighting for equality in a war in a star war No, but the humans would just be like no and also we're gonna program you to feel ashamed of your bodies there You just ended your robot uprising with a hack. Hey, don't forget the whole series was created by a hack Sick burn on george lucas |
TheOnion | season_1_brad_fantasizes_about_winning_fantasy_coach_of_the_year_brought_to_you_by_lenovo | Antonio Brown, glad I got you on the horn, you handsome devil. Great talking to you, Brad. You're having a great season. Might even be good enough to win Fantasy Coach of the Year.
Bless your perfectly symmetrical face. I mean, imagine being Fantasy Coach of the Year. A trip to the Pro Bowl, getting to stand on the sidelines. Up and pick the team. Goodness gracious, I know who I'd pick. As wide receiver, you, Antonio Brown. Running back, my guy, Matt Forte. And as Pro Bowl quarterback, well, you need someone with vision.
Right. Someone with mental agility. Right.
Someone like Brad Blevins. You make yourself quarterback in the Pro Bowl? I'm Brad Blevins, yes. I don't think that's a good idea, Coach Brad. Have you ever even played football? I play it all the time as a Fantasy Coach. Not the same thing. You can't be the QB during the Pro Bowl, even if you win Fantasy Coach of the Year.
Could I play wide receiver? You said I could be the wide receiver.
Well, fine. Don't get all whiny. I'll be touchdown dance choreographer then. Already got a touchdown dance, Coach Brad. Well, you got a new one now. You got to move and groove and push it. Talk to you later, Coach. And push it. And shimmy. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_20_4_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic Hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today. Teases apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details. You're listening to the Batuda Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. G'day, I'm Bruce Hitchcock and you're listening to the weekly Batuda News Bullet. Here are the top stories from the Batuda Advocate, Australia's oldest and most respected newspaper.
Starting with national news and home affairs minister Peter Dutton was spotted at Brisbane International Airport with a clipboard this week. The Batuda Advocate revealed that Dutton was making sure African Commonwealth Games athletes were getting on their flights back home. This comes after the hysteria surrounding news that up to eight Cameroonian nationals had disappeared from the athletes village in an attempt to avoid returning home. Dutton has not yet clarified if he's applying the same strict marshalling to all black athletes. It's believed he's already been reprimanded by Prime Minister Turnbull for asking Usain Bolt what part of Africa he came from. He said to reporters, How was I supposed to know? Every second country in the Commonwealth has green and gold colours. He could have been a non-white South African for all I know.
Elsewhere across the country a new service has been rolled out by delivery giant Uber this week. They will now be delivering emails and other important data to customers of the Australian government's NBN service using printouts, CDs and DVDs for those wanting to watch Netflix. It's expected to be a game changer for the current NBN customers who will no longer have to wait for such long periods of time to receive their important data. Todd Bosworth, one of our readers from the golf course estate, texts the editor saying, This would work great until someone in the government lets Uber know just how much money they'd save if they'd just run Uber to the node. In scientific news, we've managed to obtain a damning report this week which concludes that 80% of all craft beer is actually Pecito. The recent study conducted by the Licensing Inquiries and Testing for Australian Management, LitFam, shows that 85% of craft beer in Australia is actually just high sugar passion fruit flavoured soft drink in disguise.
Lead researcher Professor Lottie Sailor said, To some music research news now and a report by Aria has found that Paul Kelly has always been around 50ish. It found that Kelly's never been younger than 50 years old, with generations of Australians only able to remember him as a gentle patriarchal lyricist approaching senior life. The iconic singer-songwriter and pioneer of storytelling has always been like this, even while those around him aged in accordance with normal human science.
Back in town and a local personal trainer has confirmed that he's happy to offer his clients a raft of advice on a number of topics on which he is wildly unqualified for. The employee, a Cert IV qualified personal trainer at Legends Gym in Batuta's Flight Path district, told the advocate that he's not only a coach in the gym but a coach in life and general health. When quizzed on whether he is in fact qualified to give advice on any of those things, the man wearing a Legends Gym shirt a size too small for him became a little irate. No, all these qualifications these days are bullshit. Said the man unable to go through any social interaction without mentioning the fact he has a Cert IV in fitness. On the sporting front this week, one of Batuta's most prominent homosexuals, Geordie, has declared that he'd gladly face a fundamentalist Christian afterlife if Israel Folau jumped the fence. This comes after the happy clapping Wallabies player sparked a social media furor last week when he wrote that gay people were destined for hell unless they repent on an Instagram post. However, Geordie says that this has somehow done very little to hinder Folau's standing as a homosexual icon.
So there's your news wrap for this week. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered, and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. You've been to 100 today. Tease and Seize Apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details. |
CrackerMilk | police_when_they_can_t_discriminate | Okay, when I say your number, step forward and say the line. Number one. Give me a purse or I'll cut ya. Number two. Give me a purse or I'll cut you. Number three.
I'm gonna fucking kill you bitch, I swear to God. That's him. That's the one. That's the one that assaulted me. Okay, step forward again please.
Number two. No, no, no, no. Number three. It was number three. Look, I can guarantee you number two is the one we're after. It's clearly number three. He's still wearing the mask. Number three. Number three, can you take your mask off please?
Sorry.
He still has the knife that he threatened me with. It's really good for piercing flesh. Number three, why have you got a knife? Oh, I'm a chef.
Makes sense to me. Oh my God, he just stabbed that guy. Alright, who did it? It's pretty clear cut. Oh my God.
You can all go, but number two, stay right where you are please. I'll see you later tonight, tomorrow. Bitch. Condor. Over there. Okay. No, sorry.
Actually, I got this specially made for me quite a few years ago. Traits flush really easily. You were sweaty.
Is that right? Let's do it. Give me a purse or I'll cut you. Number three. I'm going to fucking kill you bitch, I swear to God. That's him. That's the one. That's the one that assaulted me. Okay, step forward again please.
Number two. No, no, no, no. Number three. It was number three. Look, I can guarantee you number two is the one we're after. It's clearly number three.
He's still wearing the mask. Number three, can you take your mask off please?
Sorry.
He still has the knife that he threatened me with. It's really good for a piercing flash. Number three, why have you got a knife? Oh, I'm a chef.
Makes sense to me. Oh my God, he just stabbed that guy. All right, who did it? It's pretty clear cut. Oh my God.
You can all go, but number two, stay right where you are please. I'll see you later tonight, tomorrow. Condor. Over there.
Connie James.
Okay, no, sorry. Actually, I got this especially made form in quite a few years ago. And the traits flash really easily. You were sweaty. Yeah. Let's do it. |
dropout | you_re_not_edgy_you_re_just_lazy_ch_shorts | So, yeah, I guess I'm just a single lawyer trying to make it in the big city. Will they succeed? Can I have it all? I don't know. Guess we'll just have to find out. Uh, tight, tight, tight. Cool. Um, so what are you doing yet?
Uh, I don't really like to be tied down anywhere, you know. I don't even really look for gigs. I just hate formal job searches, you know.
Let them come to me. It's more anarchist that way. Cool.
Oh, something wrong? Nah, I'm just itching. Oh, my sister had that and it ended up being something with her shampoo.
Oh, no, that never really happened for me. Sham... who never happened?
Yeah, I just don't really like society telling me to wash my hair or not have lice. Let my hair do what it wants, alright? It's more anarchist that way. What's up? Forgive me, Finn. It just seems like all of these things are less anarchist and more adult responsibilities you don't want to do. It's the system getting into your head, comrade, alright?
It's the invisible hand of the market reaching into your brains and telling you how to think or not to steal cutlery. Why are you taking the cutlery? You should always steal.
Otherwise, you're paying rent to corporate America. We own the source material. We own the labor. We're the people. Let's take back what's ours. I could actually use one of these. What source material? What do you own?
How is buying something like paying rent? Oh, no, I don't do it. You don't pay rent. Rent is systemic noise, alright? And who can remember that first of the month stuff anyway? Rent is a standard part of adulthood.
It sounds like you're just forgetting. How can I forget when I don't even check my mail? You don't check your mail. It's invisible labor.
I don't jive with that. What are you even talking about? So far, you have cited both socialism and anarchism as a basis for your beliefs, which are insanely different, which leads me even more to believe that you are just retroactively coming up with philosophies as a justification for not being a real adult. No way.
Do you have any Papes? No, I don't have any Papes. This fucking system, this goddamn system, is always bringing me down. Not having Papes is not the system. It's you forgetting to buy them.
Why do you have to turn every stupid thing you refuse to do into something political? What? No, it's just you mentioned politics, and that's... I don't know, it's funny to me. Why? How do I explain this? Politics are so common.
So blah. I don't engage. Do you vote? No.
Burn it all down, comrade. Are you socialist or are you anarchist? Whoa, don't be so fascist. That's very not anarchist.
Whoa. Maybe you're right. Maybe this is all a facade. Maybe I am trying to escape responsibility. Maybe I am just a privileged, lazy idiot.
Whenever you're ready. Thanks. Well, do you want to split this? Oh, I didn't bring a wallet. I hate capitalism. I'm going to find the waitress. Cool. Did you tip? Because they don't get good wages here. Yep. How much? 20%? Okay, I hope so.
Hi, I'm Rekha from College Humor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for other fun stuff. And thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
dropout | have_sex_with_josh_for_me_hardly_working | And that is how I learned how to snowboard. That is such a funny story. I love that.
Tell it again. Hey Josh, can I talk to you for a second? Sure. It's great.
Hey Rika, you're single, right? You know who you should date? Josh. Really? He's smart and funny and cute. Like, he could be in a boy band. Sounds like you have a crush on him. What? No, I don't have a crush on Josh, okay? I'm in a very serious relationship. It's not even possible. It's just I see how great Josh is, and you're single, so you guys should date. I don't know.
He's never shown any interest in me. So, make him interested, okay?
You know what I mean. Get that D. I don't know if I want that D. You're useless. My wife! Hey Shima, what are you doing? Just drinking some tea. Okay, cool. Stop.
So anyway, Rika and I were talking just over there, and we were thinking you should date Josh. You mean the guy that you have a crush on? No, I don't have a crush on him.
Why does everyone do that? You keep on just like giggling when he talks. Okay. Speak properly.
Okay, because apparently I'm the only one in this office with eyes, because look at him. I mean those arms, those legs, that torso. Why is he so sweaty? He's, it's not sweat. It's glisten, okay? He's glistening.
Yeah, no, ick. You're useless. My tea! How is it that no one in this office is fucking Josh, okay?
He's a natural resource. He's beautiful, and he's just going to waste.
Ally, fuck Josh. No, I only fuck women. Come on. You can't do this one thing for me. Fort, that's weird. Why would I fuck someone for you? Just break up with your shitty boyfriend and fuck Josh yourself.
Okay. You know I can't. For various emotional and financial reasons, I cannot break up with him. Okay. No, please.
My YouTube video's hot chicken way!
Listen up, co-workers. I am ashamed of you, of every last one of you.
It is ludicrous that no one is fucking Josh. Have you seen him?
I don't mean to be vulgar, but his body is a-banging. He's got beautiful muscles. He's graceful. Okay, he knows his way around the office.
No, anyone but you. So who's going to do it? Huh? Who's going to man up or woman up and get with that man?
Because he's a mountain, and he needs to be climbed. Okay, I would climb him if I could, but I have a boyfriend. And I don't mean climb in the literal sense.
I mean fucking. Okay? What's all the yelling? Oh, Josh. Oh my God.
It's so good to see you again. What's up with Shane? Is everything good? I hope so.
Oh, Shane found out I'm 16. He says that's too young to work here, so I'm out. Skizzle that. Oh, no. Thank God no one was fucking Josh. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_ego_nwodim_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. in what many people are calling a high point of his term, President Biden gave multiple speeches this week in which he issued the same strong warning to anyone thinking about attacking Israel.
And here was his message.: Don't. Don't.
Biden only needs one word to get his point across. he's basically the groot of presidents. But to give you an idea of how effective Don't is, it's the same thing Biden says to his dog right before it bites another Secret Service agent. Also, while he was in Israel, Biden said the Hamas attack was like, quote, 15 9-11s. Ok, you can't go somewhere to calm people down and then start rating things in numbers of 9-11s. that is not a calm scale. it would be like if your doctor gave you ambien and said, this will make you sleepier than 20 Cosby's. Jim Jordan, seen here describing how he attacks the Nipple, nominee for House Speaker after Republicans dropped him Friday, which, by the way, he's used to because he was dropped a lot as a child. potential new candidates for a speaker include Tom Emmer, Kevin Hearn, Jack Bergman, and six more candidates who are clearly George Santos. After a judge issued a gag order against President Trump, Trump told reporters that the judge said, basically, I don't have the right to speak.
Then he added, she's like literally killing me. And he yelled, you're not even my real mom and slammed his bedroom door.
It happened. And yesterday, on Truth Social, Trump posted a courtroom sketch of him sitting next to Jesus. Because if there's one guy whose trial famously ended, well, it's Jesus. And Ron Desantis reportedly spent $1.5 million on private jets in just over three months, because when he flies commercial, they make him take off his heels in front of everybody.
Justice Amy Coney Barrett said that she wouldn't mind seeing a code of conduct instituted for the Supreme Court, while Clarence Thomas said that he wouldn't mind seeing what she worked with under that road. Netflix is planning to open its own network of brick and mortar stores, which is like a serial killer walking around in the skin of his victim.
According to a leaked excerpt from her upcoming memoir, Britney Spears said she got pregnant while she was dating Justin Timberlake, because back then, even their condoms were denim. Jada Pinkett Smith has been making some ways with some of the revelations in her new memoir Worthy. My comment is Jada Pinkett Smith. good to see you, Michael. thank you for coming to the Red Table, all right? sorry if I seem a little tired. I've been on the Today Show 14 times in three days. yeah, you're getting a lot of buzz in your new book. you revealed that you and Will Smith have been separated since 2016? mm-hmm. that's the truth. that is the truth.
But the day we got married, I knew there was going to be trouble. at our wedding, someone stood up and objected. who was it? it was me. Yeah. yeah, it was me. you know, but it's ok. twenty-three years later, Will and I are still a unit. And it's because we have learned that the secret to a successful marriage is never go to bed happy. Yeah, you guys describe your marriage as brutal, as brutal and beautiful.
Yeah, mm-hmm. And other people describe it as brunch healthy. Yeah, yeah. But we're doing great, Michael. we really are. And for the first time in a very, very long time, I am in such a solid, fortified place.
You see, nothing makes me feel stronger than publicly cucking my millionaire husband. I don't understand. why not just get a divorce? Oh, no, no, divorce is not an option. No, no, no, no. I have principles, Michael. if we got divorced, he could mess around and end up happy.
And I can't have that. I just can't have that.
Well, he doesn't seem very happy. he called your marriage a sloppy public experiment in unconditional love. Yeah, mm-hmm. that was actually in our vows.
So anyway, back to Tupac. Oh, I never said Tupac. Well, I can't stop saying Tupac. we were so close. And a lot of people don't know this, but before he died, he was in the process of legally changing his name to Tupincat, Yeah.
Yeah, he was my soulmate, Yeah. Oh, well, you said in your book that him slapping Chris Rock actually brought you closer together as a couple. Mm-hmm, yeah, that's right, that's right. You know, it was the first time in years that I felt like his wife. and now I am so clear on what to do if we ever start drifting apart again. And what's that? the next time we hit a rough patch, I'm going to ask Will to shoot Kevin Hart. Jada Fink and Smith, everybody. Just please, call me Mr. Shakur.
Dan Lewin Ice Cream is introducing several new flavors, including Kraft Mac and Cheese, Kettle Corn, and Dill Pickle. And if any of those flavors sound good to you, uh-oh, you're pregnant. New York City has enacted a new law requiring public schools to offer free swimming lessons to second graders, which will come in handy the next time it rains here. thousands of black women have sued L'oreal and Revlon, claiming that their chemical hair straighteners made them infertile. L'oreal and Revlon have countersued, claiming that maybe it's maybelline. a man in Tennessee survived after a stray bullet came through his windshield and only knocked off his glasses.
And it turns out, he's beautiful. don't clap for that. This week, this week, the Wnba Finals were won by the New York Liberty. I'm kidding. Vegas beat them in four, you phonies, you didn't see that game. shame on you. a three-year-old girl from Texas has become the youngest person ever to visit all 63 U.s. National Parks. unfortunately, in the talons of an Eagle. a woman complained online about a date in which a man snuck out of the restaurant and stuck her with a bill after watching her eat 48 oysters. And like you, I was completely on her side. Until the words 48 Oysters. police say, a man in Nebraska snuck into a home and slept with a sex doll belonging to a man who recently died. Wow, she moved on fast. All right. a martial artist in Australia punched a seven-foot-tall kangaroo that was trying to drown his dog. Australia, where life is a mad lib. a woman in California is trying to raise awareness about a rare allergy she has toward her. yeah, I have that too. it's called alcoholism. for weekend update, I'm Michael Che. on college earth, good night. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_an_agile_coach_sprint2 | Usually the standups go like this. I can't remember what I did, but what I did, I will continue. And that's precisely where I insist and hold back people from lunch because agile is important.
You want my business card? Anyone? Do you need it? And here's one for you, agile coach. Can you pass it into the back? Right there? Yes. Here's one for you.
No, I have many of them. No worries. I was a horrible developer. I mean, the company was working fine before I introduced scrum. Then it was working better, of course. Agile transformation. We solved the problem we didn't even know we had. Actually, never really had a problem.
We improved our daily scrum efficiency. We do scrum right before lunch, closes. Some people believe in this, some people in this. Some people believe in scrum and they're right. Efficient, impediment, velocity, commit.
It didn't work because they didn't do scrum right. Now without zoom, just movement. It didn't work because they didn't do scrum right. Without zoom, movement. It didn't work because didn't work, didn't work because didn't do right.
Yeah, you can't complain. Make it a story in your backlog. Don't give customers what they need. Give them what they ask for. Our highest priority is to increase customer satisfaction, not ours.
We can't call that scrum. We call that scrum, but that's because of my definition. That's because they have me as a coach to help them make waterfall look like scrum. We focus on scrum meetings and put actual meetings aside. We reduce the number of meetings, increase the number of scrum meetings. Now we're only two weeks on delay. I mean, two sprints in delay. It's that simple. Just hire an agile coach and you'll have a lot of more meetings. I mean, you'll have a lot of less meetings and more time for scrum.
I'm so used to it. I don't even hear the waterfall.
All right, then. Who wants my business card? No one wants to transform their business. There we go. All right, cut. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_tommy_snl | Go empty! Get off the island, bro!
My mom is gonna freak out. Oh, my God. John, this party rocks. it's, like, legendary. Totally. Stop your mom. That's a drink. Dude, she's gotta.
We're seniors now. we're seniors. God, I feel so weird to say that. so used to being a junior. look at us, growing up. Oh, I got my Penn State app done, by the way. Dude, me too, brother. same. Hello, future roomies. How about you, Tommy? you done with your app? Actually, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. I'm not applying to Penn State. What? you're playing to Harvard, aren't you, pal? Tommy! Oh, you friggin' brainy-eyed. no, no, no, okay. guys. look, remember when I told you I was 17? Yeah, we all are.
I'm 67. What? I'm 67 years old. No, you're 17. you're from New Jersey. your name is Tommy Portchop Pugiano. my name is Seamus O'sullivan. I'm a 67-year-old Irish mother.
So let me get this straight. when we would skip seventh period, to sneak beers, you will What? some old guy? Think about it. when you were drinking crappy beer, I was drinking. a glass of whiskey with a big square ice cube.
Oh, my God. But, Portchop, you were the craziest kid in school. I mean, you did drugs in class. I always wear blood thinners. Oh, my God.
So all those times after gym class, when we were nervously changing, and you were. were. completely comfortable being ass-nude. that's just the way old fellas are. Tommy, why are you in high school?
I don't know. I just. I felt lost.
And then I watched Gossip Girl, and it just seemed fun. What? come on, man! you watched Gossip Girl, and then enrolled in high school? You saw Gossip Girl, and then you enrolled in high school? you sound like my wife.
Dude, you have a wife? Yes, and 13 children. Do you think they'll be mad at me? of course, Sim was gonna be mad at you! Come on, guys. let's get the hell out of here. I do just have one question. was any of this real? was it real?
Ben, when you forgot your lunch money, what did I do? you gave me half your cabbage. Ben, you were having body image issues. what did I do to make your food better? you took your shirt off and jumped around a little.
John, in your father's past, who was there to support your family? You. staying with your mother every night, giving her massages, sleeping in her bed.
I didn't know that happened.
Just saying, you're my boys, and we're about to have an epic senior year! Wait, you're staying? But what about your family? Stop! I'm not gonna miss my senior year! not when we finally run this school!
Anybody need a lift? I feel infinite. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Banh_Mi_Joint_Receives_National_Heritage_Listing_13_Year_Old_Going_Cold_Turkey_On_The_Vapes_Expl_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah, a bit going on in the news, let me be real with you. We've got art prizes, we've got Magic Round in Brisbane, some good football happening, versus arts, and on the other side of the world we're seeing the convergence of state and church, when Prince Charles gets ordained as King Charles, the head of both the Church of England and our head of state, which means we are a Christian nation as much as the politicians will try and tell you otherwise, joined by Effie Bateman and Errol Parker. How are you two going? Yeah not bad mate, I've got the cucumber sandwiches out for tomorrow, having a bit of a coronation party, going to go home after this and put some homemade quiche together, get the pastry done today so I can get up early tomorrow, roll the pastry out, put it in the quiche tin, and get some quiche going, get some coronation chicken to put that in the lunch platter, of course for Her Majesty the Queen, who is no longer here because she died of some terrible disease, yeah nine months now without the Queen. Time flies when you're having fun. I miss her every damn day. And what I would say is, it sounds like you are quite the royalist era?
No I'm just one for pageantry, that's what us people on the centre left say who actually enjoy these types of things, we don't want to admit that we are into having some gangly old fuck in England, being in charge of our parliament, but we do like all the pomp, I think the word pomp has become, every time something like this happens in England you have all these toothless poms on the news going, no por ettos pomp better than the English, so look I do enjoy a bit of pomp, but I do like it when all the pomp goes back in the pomp box. Well I'll tell you what, Australia, we were pretty pompy. Wait what does pomp mean? Bloody millennials. It's like pomp, camp, ceremony and it's a splendid display of ceremony. And I think the most pomp I've ever seen on Australian soil was definitely the Sydney Olympics opening ceremony when Kylie Minogue came out on the giant thong, the foot thong. That's pomp. That was very pompy, Slim Dusty, Vanessa and Marossie on stage with Kylie and Nicky Webster, pomp fest. Well like I don't think you were around for our bicentenary in 1988 but that was also very pompy, which coincided with the World Expo in Brisbane, that was very pompy. Especially for a young Lachlan Murdoch, I think he had the time of his life, the World Expo in 1988, cutting his teeth in all those pubs and clubs around Brisbane trying to get the groundwork going for what is now known as the Brisbane Broncos.
And of course now hosting Magic Round back to where we started this introduction. So lastly, Errol, what music do you play at a coronation picnic or barbeque or soiree even? Well look, so in the morning a couple of my guests and I are going to be having a few cones and then we're going to put on some Pink Floyd, some Deep Purple, you know all the Led Zeppelin, it's going to be a very drug heavy prog rock type of thing.
Look, I mean I've been to barbecues at your place before and people just drink themselves stupid and get into fights, like that time where you headbutted your brother-in-law Andy and you split the bridge of his bloody nose open and then you know the kids were screaming and then when Andy was on the ground trying to get up you kicked him in the mouth. Look, I gave him a slipper, yes, sure, but when I headbutted him and kicked him I was aiming for his mouth because he was running and that's just what happens. Make a bit of money, your family start to gravitate around, there's people you're not that close with like your brother-in-law Andy, start making requests, start asking for money and you've got to really just nip that on the head or as I say give the snake the shovel.
How about you Effie, you don't mind the royal family or are you more, the modern royals would be yours, the Kardashians and which ones are we talking about? The Broncos. Are you Windsor's or Kardashians, what kind of royals are you into? Oh yeah, definitely the Kardashians.
I didn't even, I haven't been across what's happening with the king actually. Well you might be the first person to call him that, he hasn't been coronated yet.
Oh. That's happening. Why is it taking so long? Because they love the pomp. Oh but mmm. Yeah the pomp, they're really rolling out the pomp, which is funny because it's a cost of living crisis and 14 million British people live below the poverty line but sure bit of pomp. Anyway let's get on with the news because times are changing and there's more going on in the world.
Yes but speaking of the cost of living crisis, a local Barn Me joint still charging $7 for roll and can combo receives national heritage listing. Yes the cherished Barn Me takeaway shop Saigon Roll Bakehouse has been awarded a place on the national heritage list this week off the back of its continued commitment to offering sensibly priced lunch deals, which are very hard to come by these days. Yes it's understood that the shop was approved by the heritage trust for its quote possession of uncommon, rare or endangered aspects of Australia's natural or cultural history, given that it's the last place in Australia where you can buy a pork roll and a can of fizzy drink for just $7. Our Mayor Keith Carton has said the new heritage listing would protect the store from packs of rabid property developers who've been sniffing around Batutah stating that a $7 lunch deal is a national treasure and it must be protected at all costs.
I think that Keith is just unhappy that he doesn't have the opportunity to develop it if I'm honest. Yeah well that's what I was saying, it's not like him to prevent property development, rabid or rapid. No he's more of a wetlands guy isn't he? Yeah.
Up next in some local news and a 13 year old going cold turkey on the vapes explodes like a boomer quitting B&H Smoose in 1997. Yes and the most significant tobacco and vaping control measures in the country, Health Minister Mark Butler has vowed to tackle youth vaping and implement minimum quality standards for imports, flavours, colours and other ingredients and ban all single use disposable vapes. Yes this is not good news for a good 20% of Australian youth who, like Batutah Heights teenager Noah Kellett, who is already addicted to nicotine thanks to the previously unregulated black market that has infiltrated school yards right around the country.
Yes in scenes that reminded his parents of when their own parents were quitting B&H Smoose in the 1990s, the old Benson and Hedges, Noah's temper is very easily set off resulting in explosive tantrums and filthy language. Noah is alleged to have been heard roaring at his siblings this week exhibiting the exact same loss of control as his boomer grandparents once did. Ah for fuck's sake you fucking kids keep this shit up and you'll get the fucking wooden spoon I tell ya. That was Noah Kellett there.
Isn't it interesting though, our Health Minister, this is what Health Ministers get up to when there isn't a global pandemic happening, they start talking about vapes. Mate the only reason why they're banning vapes is because they're not getting any tax income on them. Well you could I mean. It's all dude dude if they were being taxed like dude they would be getting so much revenue but no you see they're not getting their fair share of tax money so they gotta ban them dude. Well I don't know if they are like what they've done now is they have taxed them effectively they've said vapes have to go to pharmacies you have to go to pharmacy to get a vape which is as we were speaking about earlier. That's gonna save pharmacies. It's gonna save pharmacies because they were all going broke because of the 60 day scripts but the big powerful pharmacy cartel have gotten what they wanted and they're now able to take control of the vape market.
Tinfoil hat maybe, can of worms likely. Problem solved. I imagine it's very hard to be a teacher, well even harder to be a teacher right now having to deal with that. Your whole classroom smells like guava bubblegum. And you yourself having to quit vapes at the same time, it's a recipe for disaster. Yes.
And some news from Batuta's French Quarter now as upper middle class woman in mid 20s torn between moving to another city or studying psychology. It's London or head shrinking, 25 year old Rachel Hendricks has this week found herself going through the single woman's quarter life crisis which involves struggling to choose between fucking off to another city or studying psychology as she's been feeling really stagnant and wants to live not just exist. Yeah she told the advocate that she'd been in Batuta her whole life and it's the same shit all the time and that she was thinking of either London or the same for people who are too scared to move to London, Melbourne. She's also interested in psychology and reckons she'd make a really good psychologist or a really good English teacher. But if she studies she'll have to stay in Batuta and probably have to live at home with her stupid parents for a while. Tough decisions there.
And now some sports ball Effie. Yeah and Tassie Devil's to play satanic derby against Melbourne demons on blood soaked oval for Dark Mofo. Yes as it stands the AFL will now have to fight Warner Brothers for the rights to the name Tassie Devils as they struggle to compete with the pre-existing Looney Tunes character in their efforts to name the 19th AFL team. However AFL chief Guion Maguacuan and the Tasmanian football power brokers behind the bid remained committed to the Devils brand especially given the possibility of promoting a cross bass straight rivalry with the Melbourne demons. He said. We're very interested in the idea of a satanic derby between the demons and the new Tassie Devils. If everything goes to plan that is. The dream would be that the first match the Tassie Devils player will be against the demons on a blood soaked oval in the middle of Dark Mofo. That would be so Tassie.
Good on you Gil. Enjoy your retirement old boy.
I can barely understand people from Melbourne. He's from the Flinders Rangers he's actually from that he's from that McLaughlin I guess you'd say dynasty that we were getting all the fucking French au pairs in. He might as well have been speaking German I mean I know that a lot of his family did arrive here by U-boat in the 40s so. It's good that they've got the 19th team but you'd think they'd be able to tackle racism in their game first. That's not Gil's family that's South Australian Germans most of them came via U-boats in the 40s. Yeah no Gil's free settlers they are very English yeah anyway enough about that thank you for tuning in that's your weekly platoon of boredom.
Enjoy yourselves. Have a fun weekend guys. See you later. God save the king. And you yourself having to quit vapes at the same time it's a recipe for disaster. Yes.
And some news from Batouda's French Quarter now as upper middle class woman in mid-twenties torn between moving to another city or studying psychology. It's London or head shrinking 25 year old Rachel Hendricks has this week found herself going through the single woman's quarter life crisis which involves struggling to choose between fucking off to another city or studying psychology as she's been feeling really stagnant and wants to live not just exist. Yeah she told the advocate that she'd been in Batouda her whole life and it's the same shit all the time and that she was thinking of either London or the same for people who are too scared to move to London Melbourne. She's also interested in psychology and reckons she'd make a really good psychologist or a really good English teacher. But if she studies she'll have to stay in Batouda and probably have to live at home with her stupid parents for a while. Tough decisions there.
And now some sportsball Effie. Yes and Tassie Devils to play satanic derby against Melbourne demons on blood soaked oval for Dark Mofo. Yes as it stands the AFL will now have to fight Warner Brothers for the rights to the name Tassie Devils as they struggle to compete with the pre-existing Looney Tunes character in their efforts to name the 19th AFL team. However AFL chief Guion Maguacuan and the Tasmanian football power brokers behind the bid remained committed to the Devils brand especially given the possibility of promoting a cross bass straight rivalry with the Melbourne demons. He said, We're very interested in the idea of a satanic derby between the demons and the new Tassie Devils. If everything goes to plan that is. The dream would be that the first match the Tassie Devils player will be against the demons on a blood soaked oval in the middle of Dark Mofo. That would be so Tassie.
Good on you Gil. Enjoy your retirement old boy.
I can barely understand people from Melbourne. He's from the Flinders Rangers he's actually from that he's from that McLaughlin I guess you'd say dynasty that we were getting all the fucking French au pairs in. He might as well have been speaking German I mean I know that a lot of his family did arrive here by U-boat in the 40s. It's good that they've got the 19th team but you'd think they'd be able to tackle racism in their game first. Porthorn review still on the table. That's not Gil's family that's South Australian Germans. Most of them came via U-boats in the 40s. Yeah no Gil's free settlers they are very English.
Anyway enough about that thank you for tuning in that's your weekly platoon of boredom. Enjoy yourselves. Have a fun weekend guys. See you later. God save the king. you |
dropout | what_s_your_favorite_technology_bad_internet_behind_the_scenes | I feel like people have this image of like oh before phones people used to talk to each other all the time but nobody wants to talk to another human being like you didn't sit on the bus and be like ah new friend that's sitting next to me on this bus you just like would stare awkwardly out of the window or read a book or do something like that and now I can do all kinds of things instead of talking to that person. My favorite piece of current technology is a pulley and lever because you can get it all the top all the way to the top oh you love your pulleys and lever. I just got hoisted. Oh you deep-cut. I really like my blender. I think I just like food so any technology involved in making food. Yeah any food technology from the 1950s is great. Yeah I'm still impressed. I've been doing phone technology from the last two years. I'm attached to my phone like everyone else but I I do think that I think I think I love my kindle more than more than anything else it like on its face it's like the kind of thing you could go back in time and just be like it's like look it can hold a library in here I own a kindle I have a kindle I love my kindle when they came out I said the kindle is gonna bring about the end of the world what about books don't you remember what books were go to the library and smell it yeah I'm rotten. |
cracked | the_10_people_you_see_at_every_airport_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a share testicle related clicky cuz here's the ten people you see at every airport number one Mr. Waxy business look at me. I have a rolling bag. I'm important number two headphones McGee Excuse me, but I have announcements to ignore number three a traveler. I I guess I'm just some guy number for the whiny kids mom no I can't put you on the plane or get you more McDonald's or Discipline my child number five.
He's having a latte. I'm having a latte Number six a traveler.
I guess I'm I'm also just a just a person I mean, I mean I do have an inner life that's rich and interesting, but number seven uh a traveler I mean, I'm more than your surface idea of of what I am. I was a swimming champion in high school It's kind of good number eight the whiny family's mom You know parenting is the defining challenge of a human life right number nine It's like why do we feel the need to cram each other into categories? You know even if it's light-hearted is the only way to make shareable internet stuff Just keeping things surface level and and is that surface level aspect and expression of our increasing isolation from each other and the atomization Of our society as a whole Number ten mr.
Waxy business junior look at me I have a rolling junior bag and that's our look at how airport people totally are. Thanks for watching I'll see you next week after I take this flight of 300 people and meet no one Guys, thank you for already subscribing to this channel I want to thank Stephanie Haas and Kevin white for being on our Chicago show this past week They were amazing you guys should follow them on Twitter as Stephanie Haas is Steph Haas H-a-s-z Kevin white is K silly and thank you Chicago for keeping up your reputation as Friendliest city people on the planet you packed North bar you were fantastic to me and Adam and can't thank you enough Also, my lord is gross |
TheOnion | Is_Our_Wealth_Hurting_Africa_s_Feelings | The world's economy grew by 6% last year. The African continent's economy shrank by 8%. Would it just be kinder not to tell Africa about the global economy?
I feel like we kind of have to act like everything's okay, Africa. Make them feel good, keep them busy. Right, we have to make them feel good because the whole country, the whole continent, it's like hospice. To keep them in the dark.
I mean, at some point they're going to come asking questions about the global economy. They're going to ask, why is our economy different than the rest of the world's economy? Once they learn that there is no famine in Kansas, no civil war currently happening in New Mexico, they'll be so disappointed and probably a little angry. They feel like we can do business ventures with other continents. They don't realize nobody's going to trade oil for sticks. You know what, the stick market over there is complete free fall. You know, how many sticks does one person really need? That's the debate that's going on there right now. But the thing is, not telling Africa about the global economy will mean leaving the continent in charge of their own mining and drilling operations.
If you can't do it, you can't do it. Are they going to hurt themselves with all that equipment?
I think so, I think so. I wouldn't have a problem with introducing Fisher-Price mining tools to sort of like get them started, get them a sense of what the shapes and sounds are like. Something soft, something with rounded edges. That they can chew on, you know.
Some people say that television only increases their knowledge of what they're missing. It should be cut off electricity to Africa so that no one gets television. As long as we're sending them things that show western culture in a very basic, rudimentary kind of form, like gun smoke, bonanza, little house on the prairie, so that they are really being able to see that we too are struggling. The main thing is we don't want to rob them of their culture, as you said. We don't want to introduce plumbing and electricity and housing and doorknobs because that's going to take away what it means to be inherently African. It would be disrespectful. It would make it much more difficult to exploit them. |
TheOnion | queen_will_leave_behind_long_legacy_of_waving | Later this month, Queen Elizabeth II becomes the oldest reigning monarch in British history. The 82-year-old royal has been waving at the country for 54 years. Joining us now is historian Richard Cadburn, author of the Queen's official biography Destined to Wave. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Cadburn. Absolutely. Sir, can you explain why this is such an important moment for the British people? Queen Elizabeth is tremendously important.
People such as myself have grown up watching her waggle her hand back and forth. She waved us through the Cold War, the Brixton riots, and just recently the 2005 London bus bombing. Some very dark times. Yes. When England is in peril, she's always there to wave. We can't thank her enough for that. Thankfully she has private estates that she can retreat to, to recuperate from the requirements of waving. In your book, you said Elizabeth II brought waving to the modern age.
What exactly did you mean by that? Well, she was the first queen to have her wave televised and the first to have a wave stream on the internet. This concept is so foreign to all of us here in the US. Can you trace it back to its origins for me?
Well, it started in 939 AD by Edmund I. He was the first man ever to wave at the people. They believed that he had been divinely chosen to wave and that God directly communicated what kind of wave to give. The royals all really have such beautiful hands. Lately Prince Charles has been taking over a lot of waving duties from the Queen.
How are Britons feeling about that? Well, it's no secret they're not too thrilled about it. They really feel that Charles is not the most beautiful waver in the world. You can see him muddling his way through it. Well, it takes years and years of training, I think. Well, he's had years and years. Prince William is already a better waver than he is. It's disappointing.
Mr Cadran, congratulations to you and your fellow Britons. You've got quite a group of wavers there and thank you so much for being with us. Thank you. |
dropout | hardly_working_time_traveler_3 | Well, I think that, you know, the Clash, they're over there. The Clash is phony baloney, man. I'm talking about real punk rock, okay?
Feel that? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, ha! Whoa! Behold!
The Quantum Traveler has returned to bestutty your curious world of tomorrow time! Jesus, this guy again. Seth, is a real time traveler in our office? Oh, man, my roommate, Brandon, is gonna literally flip his shit. I gotta take a picture. This is crazy.
I'm not that big of a... Oh! You blinded me, man! Quick! Fetch my bifocals! In my pocket next to my snuffed tin! He didn't blind you, okay? He just took your picture, alright? See? Grace, no. Forgive me. You've... You've captured my soul, man!
This is sin!
Do you hear me, Professor? Roderick, what is it?
These 21st century warlocks. Look what they've done. They've imprisoned my soul in this sinful device. Good God. That must mean that the soul capture that I've found is more sinful. Look, it has twice the capacity for souls as thine. Twice as many?
Yes, and with vivid clarity, too. See? Whoa! Behold!
Five unholy settings with which they imprison our Christian souls! Surely, this is the device... No, no, no. Mine has that, too. In fact, it's got a 15 millimeter automated zoom lens. This is the surefire must-destroy item for the holiday season. Trust me, I'm probably gonna burn in hell just for touching it. Well, if it's so sinful, then why don't you just put it in your pocket?
Because this one fits in my trousers quite nicely, as you can see. It's not all I'm trousers. It's got my camera back.
How sinful this is! I can feel the sin coursing through my veins! No, actually, that hasn't been sinful in three years. You'd better get a year in purgatory for that. Well, praise God. Now, this item, people are waiting in line to destroy this. None of those are sinful or sinful. Satan! You've fought time and hand over the most sinful item you have! Like, really, very sinful. Okay, I confess. I've been a practicing devil worshipper since I...
A book? Really, you don't have any, like, very evil computer? Come along, Roderick. We have to return to our own time to, uh, exercise these tools of their wickedness. Do you exercise that one first, or...? Yes, you'll get it when I'm bored, okay?
Listen, Dan, I'm really sorry about your stuff, man. Hey, don't be. I learned an important lesson today.
You know, we all might be from different times and cultures, but deep down, we want the same things. Maybe we're not so different after all. Also, we're going to burn you!
Wait, what? What?
No! |
SaturdayNightLive | do_you_know_who_i_hate_messenger_boys_saturday_night_live | Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. hey, how you doing, Willie? hi, Frankie, how you doing? good, where you going? I'm going up to 34 to shade them in suits. Okay. oh, boy. yeah, I was up there last week, you know. yeah? Very cute secretary up there. yeah, she's a cutie. she's a cutie. she's hot. she's a cutie. Yeah, she wants me, you know. she desires me desperately. All right. I had a date last week with that secretary from Toto Toys on 15.
Oh, yeah? yeah, I didn't like it. she was all over me, all over me, drumming nuts. I don't like it when the girls roll over me. I know what you mean. that's a problem with being single, you know. a single man's nightmare, you know.
Yeah. what about that debate, huh? you gonna watch that debate tomorrow? Who's debating? the same guys as last time, I guess. I don't know how to watch the debate.
I can't figure out who wins. yeah, well, this ain't the problem I have, you know. I never flash the scores or nothing. what's going on here? this ain't thing.
Happened last week. this thing conks out once a week. I ain't walking, though. I'll tell you that. this happened to me on 34 last week. yeah, and I was stalling so long, you know, and I started pounding on the. metal thing? yeah, around the door. you know, really hard where the sharp part is. And I kept pounding it harder and harder on my hand. it really hurt my hand.
I hate that. Boy, that's rough. you know, I know what you mean. talk about pain, though. you know, I was in my basement the other day. you know, I go down there and, you know, you know that vise? the big one? yeah, I put my head in it, you know. I tighten it up, like, real tight. I feel like you're going to pop out, you know. I hate that. Yeah, I'll tell you. I hate that, too. it's like yesterday. I go to the movies, right? and I'm sitting there, and I take my feet, and I wedge them into the seat in front of me. you know, really hard on both sides, so I got no circulation on either foot, you know. So, I tell you, after a double feature, that hurts. I hate that. Good. You know what I hate is when I take my lip, you know, and I pull it out. I put it right on a bladder, you know. and you take a staple gun and staple it. right after this. I hate that. I hate when I do that. Yeah, I'll tell you. What's worse than that is when I go to the candy store. right.
And what's that thing they put the builds on? spindle. yeah. I take the spindle, I put it in my nose, jump it right up, and it comes around near the ear. like tear ducts.
Yeah, boy, that stinks. that really stinks. you know what? I'm lying in bed the other day, you know. I take my legs, I just throw them up over my head. I take one of them cheese graters, you know, and they start rubbing it real hard in the back of my leg. boy, that gets sensitive. I hate that. I know. What's worse than that is when you take one of those. high cups? yeah. and you fill it with paint in it. and you put it right in your eye like that. I tell you, I was seeing double there. that stinks. that really stinks. that really stinks.
Yeah, tell me about it. hey, I think we'll go in there. Yeah, all right. one or two better way.
No, not this time. No. so you're going to ask her out? who? the secretary from Shadelman's suits.
I don't know. maybe yes, maybe no. I don't know. yeah, all right. So anyway. here you go. So, uh, what are you doing like that? nothing. what are you doing? I don't know. maybe I'll give you a call. we'll do something. yeah, you know, maybe you'll come over to the house.
I got a new wood burning set. All right, good. see you later. |
TheOnion | Highlights_Of_Chris_Christie_s_2016_RNC_Speech | I'm here tonight not only as the governor of New Jersey, but also as Donald Trump's friend for the last 14 years. But everybody, this election is not just about Donald Trump, no, it's also about his Democratic opponent, Hillary Rodham Clinton. As to Hillary Clinton lying to the American people about her selfish, awful judgment in making our secrets vulnerable, what's your verdict? Guilty or not guilty? Now time, time after time after time, the facts, and just the facts, lead you to the same verdict, both around the world and here at home. In Libya and Nigeria, guilty. In China and Syria, in Iran and Russia and Cuba, and here at home for risking America's secrets to keep her own and lying to cover it all up, we cannot promote someone to commander in chief who has made the world a more violent and dangerous place with every bad judgment she's made. We cannot make the chief law enforcement officer of the United States someone who has risked America's secrets and lied to the American people about it day after day after day. Here it is everybody, we didn't disqualify Hillary Clinton to be president of the United States, the facts of her life and career disqualifier.
I want to take our last moments here to talk to all of you at home, in your living rooms, sitting there tonight, you're the ones who will decide this election. We have an alternative, we have a man who is unafraid, we have a man who wants to lead us. It is our obligation to stop Hillary Clinton now and never let her get within 10 miles of the White House again. It is time to come together and make sure that Donald Trump is the next president of the United States. Now let's go out and win this thing together, let's go get him, good night. To the White House again, it is time to come together and make sure that Donald Trump is the next president of the United States. Now let's go out and win this thing together, let's go get him, good night. |
dropout | the_roast_of_amir_blumenfeld_part_2 | But it's an honor to be up here next to the stars of MTV's The College Humor Show, a show that MTV doesn't even admit existed. It had fewer viewers than an episode of Bleep Loop. It's the only TV show where the interns got paid more than the actors and writers. You know, it's nearly impossible to imagine a show that could set back their careers even more, and yet pranked. You know what prank I'm surprised I haven't seen yet, I'm pranked? The College Humor Show.
A lot of people don't know this about Jake and Amir episodes, but they're the only online videos that take longer to load than write. And finally, if you've never seen Jake and Amir, it's a wildly unique and inventive series. Amir plays a crazy man of Jake's straight man character. If you're unfamiliar with that, it's like Dwight or Jim in The Office, or Gareth and Tim in The British Office, or Chris Farley in David Spade, or Harold Mkuma or Tenacious D, or Tim Taylor and Al Borland, or Penn and Teller or Andy Griffin of Don Knotts, or Fatty Arbuckle and Busted Keaton, or Sonny and Cher or Abinane Castello or Bob Newhart and Suzanne Plaget, or the Smothers Brothers or Martin Lewis, or George Burns and Gracie Allen, or Alison Ralph Frampton, or Joey and David for that matter, or literally any fucking comedy duo ever. Amir, the man of the hour. I mean, again, this has come up, but I meet a lot of people who watch our videos, and the number one question they always ask is, is Amir really like that?
And the truth is, yes, he really is that bad of an actor. And of course, as also has been mentioned, he's going to appear in Harold and Kumar part three.
Part three, though, I mean, I don't know. I mean, how much can two comedians stretch out and exploit the same old bit, you know? I mean, after three, how many more installments can there possibly be? But, you know, it's all, it's just a chain, you know?
I mean, Amir knows Cal Penn now, and he always likes to brag about it. And, you know, but it works. Amir can brag about knowing Cal Penn, and I can brag about knowing the biggest shit head on the planet.
Streeter's here. Streeter, of course, is Amir's co-host on Pranks. Finally, a show for people too stupid to understand America's funniest home videos. I'm not going to be able to say anything about Amir that people haven't already been saying behind his back for years. Tonight, people have been making fun of Jake and Amir's repetitiveness, but in comedy there's a saying, you only have to be able to do one thing and do it well, or with such aggressive mind-numbing regularity that you eventually become impossible to ignore. Jake, of course, Jake is a great foil for Amir and that you could replace him with actual foil tin foil and the series would be pretty much the same. Amir has written some of College Humor's most successful videos, Cash Ambulance, Dare Restaurants, The Psychotic Earth Day Spokesman, Fat Girls Talking Like Skinny Girls Talking Like Fat Girls, Really Light Beer, Video Game Sports Center, Kid Torture, Awkward Historical Moments, Philip Ellis, CEO, Retirement Roast. It's a real who's you of what's that? It's hard to go last because there have already been so many great jokes made and Pat talked for a while too. It's especially fun to hear Dan's jokes because I'm pretty sure they'll soon all be College Humor originals. Streeter's here, thanks for hosting Streeter. Streeter, of course, known for Pranked, which is an MTV show where two young promising comedy writers get pranked into writing lame transitions for a bunch of YouTube videos. Dan and Amir actually have the same exact job at College Humor. The only difference is Dan does his.
People say Amir is hard to get to know. You know, we've talked about that because he's always on. He's certainly not on a good TV show. Last but not least, I just want to say, give a shout out to Amir's favorite basketball player, Kobe, Kobe Bryant, which makes sense because Kobe also gets all the credit for an entire team's hard work.
Amir, you know I love you. I love you, baby. |
cracked | why_movies_get_alien_invasions_wrong_we_re_not_alone_episode_2 | We have a bunker? How did you know about this place? I didn't even know. Well, we have different jobs, don't we, son? I probably know quite a bit more than you, especially, but not exclusively, on the subject of where bunkers are. Have all these people been working underground the whole time? This will move faster when the bunker-related questions stop.
Now, from this moment forward, everything you see, everything you hear is strictly confidential. You can't tell anyone about this.
Not your mother's, your father's, boyfriend's, girlfriend's, demiromantic partner's, queer platonic relations, aromantic crutches. Let me finish. You're poly, gray, or pan-romantic liaisons, but maybe you aren't comfortable using the word partner yet, or you just don't feel it suits your situation. Don't tell Twitter, Instagram, or Periscope, or your friends and co-workers from Ques- Ques- Ques- What is it? Ques Falls, sir. God, awful.
Sir, that's not only against protocol, but against logic, and against the hopes and dreams of humanity to find friends among the stars. Are you an expert on aliens, boy? Or are you an expert on finding and communicating with aliens? There is no expert on aliens. These are our first aliens.
You received the message. You know how to work all the doobabs. You are the only ones on the planet who can tell us how to communicate with these evil doers who presumably threaten our existence. I don't need more advisors. I need people who can tell the aliens, nice try, right before you blow them to hell. That's crazy. Well, that's ableist language and can trigger the mentally ill. This is first contact. We can't just destroy the first evidence ever that we're not alone in the universe.
I mean, what would every other country say? They wouldn't know, because we are not following protocol. Countries can't talk, ma'am.
That's why they have leaders. Those leaders can't be trusted. That's why they have enemies.
You want to let Turkey muscle in on this moment? You want Haiti weighing in? You want to go to Haiti right now? I mean, not like right now, but if the opportunity presents up...
I die before I let aliens come to my planet, steal its precious resources, and kill us all! That's... that's mentally ill, sir. Well, we don't even have enough water for our crops, or ourselves. And if the universe is full of resources, sir, everywhere, there's water on Mars. There's an entire moon of Jupiter that is virtually only water. 12 billion light years away, there is a mass of water 140 trillion times the amount of all of Earth's oceans. So, every movie where the aliens come for our resources is...
Total bullshit. Can I say shit in front of you? I literally know nothing about rank.
The point is, okay, there is not any possible way they would be coming to take our stuff. Because if they're traveling here in faster-than-light spaceships, that automatically means they're more advanced than us and anything we have. So, they don't need our oil or gold. They could just make it themselves with atomic fusion for all we know, right? Okay. So, let's say the aliens don't want to bleed our resources and they just want to kill us. Pretty solid reason and new come for me. Okay. Again, if they're advanced enough to reach us, then that means at a base level they're more advanced than us. They figured out faster-than-light travel. We're not a threat. You're assuming want is involved at all, when in actuality they might be here just to be here.
Major Hawk, tell them about the White Eye. The Roto White Eye, a bird indigenous to Guam, now nearly extinct thanks to the introduction of the Brown Tree Snake. Brown Tree Snake found the island as a stowaway on Australian ships during World War II. The White Eye and many other birds had never encountered snakes and had no natural defenses against them. There is no known record of how many other species of bird and mammal are already extinct because of this particular exotic species. The White Eye's natural habitat is the subtropical lowlands. They nest- Thank you, Major Hawk.
As excited as you and your partner here may be about welcoming these outsiders with open arms, there's a whole course of history right here on this planet, assuring us what a terrible idea that is. We've tried intentionally and unintentionally introducing aliens to new corners of this planet in every single time, without fail. It has ended in sickness, death, and extinction. Evolution has not equipped us to meet extraterrestrial life.
I'm not just looking after American interests. I'm looking after all life. And I think the White Eye has been through enough already.
They aren't headed here, though. What? Their message was just, we're here and we see you, not we're here and we're coming for you. They're saying hi. Okay, that's compelling.
One last pitch for nuking them and then I'll shut up. I have some really great nukes, and I can't use them on anyone on Earth because that would be cruel and unusual punishment. And there are no animals on which we can test them because people love animals. I have some just top-notch nukes, and I don't have any idea what they do in the open field, and this is the only possible test. We are in a window, and right now, before we find out if the aliens are cool or cute, is the only time we'll be able to see what these nukes do. Ten hours after we meet the aliens, they'll have rights, but right now they don't. So can't I just see what the cool nukes do before I die?
No one's on board with this? No one in the room thinks this is a good argument.
Okay, fine. Moving on. What do we do instead? What do you mean?
Well, you're our alien experts, and you've convinced me. And more than that, you're in the room. This is the room where the decisions are made, and you are in the room. So, you're part of this.
So, what's our new sky monster action plan? Can I have my protocol binder back? No, son!
Hi, I'm Serena Fialo, and I play Carly. Hello, I'm Tyler Powell, and I play Andrew.
Thanks for watching! Like this video. Subscribe to this video. Subscribe to this channel. Subscribe to anything that says cracked on it.
Well, most things that say cracked on it. Most, not everything. If you could send a message to the aliens, what would you send? A dick pic. Come on, guys, be more creative. Seriously, Michael, why would you do that? |
dropout | most_dangerous_car_morning_drawfee | Welcome to Morning Drawfee, the show where we take your dumb suggestions and make even dumber drawings. That's right. Yeah today. Yep Yep, who are you? I'm Caldwell. I'm Nathan. Uh-huh. And today we're saying our names.
We're saying our names And we are also drawing the most dangerous dangerous car the dangerous most car from suggested by Frederick Johansson, I'm gonna tell you a little secret. I know I'm drawn. No, I'm gonna start this off You know what the most dangerous car in the world is? would be a Horse some sort of a horse. Yeah, that's right. Think about it horses aren't cars though They aren't but they are because they're what cars are based on and they're terrifying because they have mouths, right?
Instantly more dangerous. You have a lot less control over them, right? They and they poop they poop which is dangerous. It carries disease. Uh-huh They can trample they yeah, they can just they can get disease.
They can carry disease But also I am gonna draw so yeah, so it's just it's a car with a horse Is there a horse a living horse that it was rafted into it. It was once a horse I don't think that science would classify it as a horse anymore. Okay, so it was a horse's soul was used Well soul and like, you know a good chunk of it's of its body Comprises this it's like a horse like chassis now. Ah Yeah, but there is a lot of there's a lot of horse going on. There's a lot of horse.
Mm-hmm What uh, what's the horsepower the horsepower on this guy? It's actually 2 billion. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's it's full-on this there's bad boys diesel They reach the horses maximum. Uh-huh. That's the thing about horses. They actualized it is um, like every horse That's a misnomer One horsepower is actually you know, I've got like like 20. Yeah 20 horses. No Yeah, is it? Mm-hmm.
Okay, so this this one horse but like a normal horse can only tap in to like one of those horses This is a genetically a special red super horse that was what you do the face You're gonna let me do the horse face. Yeah, I'm gonna draw. You know what? I'm gonna hop in here and make some hubcaps And then you you want to finish this off.
You want to make this even more dangerous. Yeah, that doesn't look bad Well, I think what's dangerous is there's no steering wheel whatsoever. I will not add a steering wheel don't do that's a danger That's the one rule is you're not allowed to add a steering wheel. This has to be dangerous in every way It's pretty safe right now. You're right. Yeah, but I think that like need that this should be like a danger danger eyes and Yeah, you ever you're in a bar and girls flashing you danger eyes.
It's gonna have like a crocodile mouth Uh-huh. Oh, whoa a metal metal crocodile mouth.
Yeah, it's got like a metal I just like to picture the alternate universe where This like Henry Ford was like we need to make the automobile safe and efficient for all of Americans and then somehow this is what he made right and everyone was like What yeah, what about that model T? You're working on it's like no the model T is bunk the model model H for hell For hell on wheels. Yeah hell car Hell car.
This is great. It doesn't look like a horse anymore, which is good Yeah, he used the horse and it became something much much more. What is happening here? Uh, I just figured it should have like some green flames coming out of its nostrils that that's a great idea Well, I are they green because you're using the color green or they green in real life to both This this whole car is all like it's still it's still Henry Ford Yeah, so he he went with green instead of black for the for the color. He's good color. It's a verdant So yeah color of the earth.
So if you're in front of this car, yeah, you're dead. You're you're gonna get run over Hey, talk about defensive driving. Oh, man. Tell me about it, right? So What's the most dangerous thing about about a car currently, yeah that it's you know Like it's a big chunk of metal you wear wrong. No. Okay. What's the most dangerous part about it the driver? Oh If you're irresponsible because cars don't kill people, uh-huh drivers Who who so I'm gonna give them so true.
I'm gonna give them like a real comfy chair Super easy to fall asleep in A lot of distractions. Yeah, there's gonna be we got a little was that that's like a smartphone Oh, yeah built into the car. Right? So that's like a full-on tablet. It's like an Amazon fire and A giant jug of booze and AI in place of a gear shifter is just a jug of booze there, right? So no steering wheel. No, just just two legs distilled. Just a just a gas pedal and a horn, right and And just a real comfy chair.
Yeah, you can't see it. There's also like facing full forward. It's sort of facing to the side Yeah, you just you're kind of like yeah, you're watching you're looking at billboards as they go by you can't see it in this But there's also just like a real a real terrifying looking fleshlight underneath the the cockpit just in case. What is that?
That is It's got a pompadour kind of he's got a puppy do what is that it's a It's a chainsaw. Oh, it's a chainsaw. That is a cool. Oh man. I really like the idea of Chainsaw hair as a thing. Well, it's like a chainsaw unicorn, right? Oh damn It's like that's because he's a horse and but he's got a chainsaw.
He's got some he was once a horse He was once a horse and now he's become so much more. Yeah, we've unlocked the true potential You guys like like you see a horse and like like grazing in a pasture and maybe you think like oh That's a beautiful. What a beautiful creature like if only I could tame it and use it for my purposes.
I see I See fire. I see death. I see like, you know Just terror in the eyes of that beast of that stallion And I know not what he's capable of but now I do cuz you're drawing it. What are you adding here?
I'm putting I'm putting the wheels on top of ice skates That's fucking dumb because I love it ice skates are the most dangerous mode of transportation that's true, let's put blades on the bottom of our feet and Be on the slipperiest surface so that our feet go flying everywhere Human beings don't deserve anything We don't look like ice skates though. They look like what they look like honky blades. Okay. Yeah They look like you know what they look like just straight-up razor blades. Yeah, they're just they are just Straight-up razor blades, which is what ice skates are ice skates are straight-up razor blades on your video ice skates someone was like I want to be on ice and possibly die and kill everyone So they were originally marketed have fun like, you know exceed normal human speed and enjoy the thrill of ice skating possibly die And I was like, what was that all sounded good except that last thing but like, you know, it's the 20s so I'm probably gonna die anyway real quick due to most diseases and like our you know backwards policies on health and politics and everything Okay, so what's happening now?
That's got a scorpion tail. Oh dang.
Yeah, sure. Sure.
Sure Filled with venom. I like this car So yeah, you there's probably some like every time you send a text. Yeah, you know, you can activate car The model the model it's the guy what's up for death The Honda in the game Do you want to join a hot back in and yeah, I wanna get some touches on this but we're almost we're almost done I'm almost good to go here. I'm gonna I'm gonna cinch up these, you know, like you got to make sure that these are gonna stay on Yeah, you get some so the wheels the wheels turn Uh-huh on top, but there's So somehow the they're fastened to these razor blades. I'll tell you how my chains. Oh, yeah Gotta have those chains. Yeah, it's like winter weather gear Goes on like that, you know It's kind of like, you know like that. Um, let me add one more over here. I'll tell you something Is that I see this car driving down the street kill myself.
I'm doing back. I'm going back inside I'm not going I'm phoning in sick. I'm not human to work.
I see this car I know that the prophecy has begun and that the days the days are at an end The days are they're coming to I'm gonna go ahead and make this full-on full-on a Manticore Okay. Uh-huh, you know like the Game of Thrones thing weird like scorpion with a face on his tail Is that a Game of Thrones thing? Well, it's a fantasy thing in general. The game has them they do. Yeah When is the one that tries to kill Daenerys? Yeah. Oh, that's a they try and kill her with a Manticore. That was a Manticore That's like it was like a little bug Manticore Yeah, Manticores were like lions with wings that also had scorpion tails There's like a lot of different interpretations.
That one's more like more of an actual like entomological one. Okay In a biological. Yeah, I think so. Well, is it entomology is the study of Insects cool, man. I think thank you for all being here or the study or the study of ants I'm not sure Both probably probably we if you've been watching us for a while, you know how much we know about the world Mm-hmm, and by the world you mean Middle Earth the one true world the one true world The Wow the once future King.
I think we did it to imagine that glass is real thing It's super easy paper thin It's like it's like it's like the glass they use in movies for fake glass that yeah hit over it proc glass as it were But uh, but it will still catch it. So we're gonna go hide We're gonna go ahead from this because I think mm-hmm. I think Ford is making this now Yeah afford and all of its subsidiaries are getting ready to produce the Ford the Chevrolet endgame is the name of this car Thank you for watching, please click on this monstrosity to subscribe to our channel if you don't already and We've got some other other shows that are like this but slightly different and you might like them also.
I think you will I know you I know your heart. We know your heart. So, please subscribe. Enjoy and have a great day |
dropout | he_s_such_a_mcconaughey_hardly_working | Yo, Axford, what's up with the new guy? I don't know. I can't tell if he's a genius or a total jack-off. He's a real mokanahay. Okay, okay, okay. Nah, he's definitely a jack-off. Not wearing a shirt is a total jack-off move. Right? But is it because he's trying to show off or because he doesn't place value in material things? Hm.
Boss Man comes up to me and he says, Who do you think should be employee of the month? And I said, me, next month.
No, he's definitely an idiot. Or a relentless self-improver. I thought it was common knowledge that this guy's a jack-off.
Apparently everyone really likes him now. Hi, Dennis. Trevor.
Do you like him? I don't know. Do you?
I mean, I definitely don't wanna like him. He's like a puzzle I can't put together. Okay, well, at least we know he's a slacker.
Looks like one, right? Actually, his work is incredible. Check out this production budget he sent me. Oh, my God. I've never seen such mastery of Microsoft Excel.
It's impossible. He can't be a genius. Look at how content he is with life. Geniuses have to be at least a little bit tortured, right? Unless they're smart enough to give themselves over to the frivolity of life and enjoy the simple things. Maybe he's got it all figured out.
Hey, you. Yeah, Dennis? I went number one. Well, there's your answer. He's transcended the social pressure to relieve oneself in the bathroom. Congratulations, Dennis. We have declared you a genius. I also went number two.
Oh, sick! Not okay. |
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