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dropout | gay_men_will_marry_your_girlfriends | Americans are becoming more comfortable with the idea of gay marriage, seeing it as both a moral and civil rights issue. But there are many out there who are still fighting against the cause. And as gay men ourselves, we would just like to say to those people, Fine, keep marriage between a man and a woman.
And in response, we will marry your girlfriends. We'll marry your girlfriends.
What? You don't think we could? We'd be the best husbands ever. Have you seen us? We are ripped. All of us are ripped. It doesn't seem statistically possible, and yet it's true.
Because we love going to the gym. And you know who else loves going to the gym? Your girlfriend. We will go to the gym with her, and then after, we'll get pink berry as a reward. That sounds like a great time to us.
Not to mention, we dress better than you. While you were spelling man-witch on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxford shirts for the craftsmanship of their gauntlet buttons.
We're the side of hummus, made from scratch. Do you even know the difference between hummus and baba ganoush? You're a joke.
And don't even get us started on dates. You don't want to go dancing? We teach a dance class. Urban tango. You're not on the list for that art gallery opening?
We'll be BM the owner. Maurice. Not in the mood to go to that Broadway show? We are. We're in it. Yes, we would like to go to that 80s-themed costume party, and no, we weren't just checking out that other girl. Obviously. Ew. If you listen to your girlfriend for hours, just reassuring her that she's not the crazy one. Cassandra is being a bitch. Also, her dad loves us. That's because he's not threatened by us. In fact, we're playing tennis with him right now. Well played, Mr. Bennett. Now you're probably thinking sex. That's where you have a speed.
We already know how she likes to be kissed. She thinks it's funny to make out with us when she's drunk. And you know all those sweet spots, preferences, and fantasies that she's too embarrassed to tell you or thinks you should innately know? Yeah, she's told us. We could play her like an upright bass. And the kind of threesome she wants?
Oh, we're cool with that. As if all this isn't enough, we're the shoulder that your girlfriend cries on when she's complaining about, hmm, you. We know literally all of your weaknesses. You are Death Stars, and we are an army of fabulous Luke Skywalker. So remember, we're doing you a huge solid by being more attracted to each other than to your girlfriends. But if you stay close-minded about this, we will take one for the team and marry the crap out of them. So don't make us marry your girlfriends. Support gay marriage. |
cracked | 6_things_pulp_fiction_secretly_stole_from_a_famous_legend_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, I am Daniel Bryan and welcome to another episode of obsessive pop culture disorder your favorite show on the internet if you are my mom Although I think she's actually more of a Jake and a mere fan.
I don't think Anyway today's episode is But that can't be true According to legend Lancelot came from France and in the beginning of Pulp Fiction Vincent just returned from Amsterdam which our sharp reviewers can identify as right in the middle of not France true But he did swing by France, which is how he learned about you know, what they call a quarter panel with cheese They call it the royal with cheese. So already there's a French Connection Vincent whose name means victorious is his boss's prized hitman the guy who gets sent out on only the most important missions Lancelot according to our theory and legend is King Arthur's greatest champion when Lancelot fought the Dolores guard He single-handedly cut down 20 men and it was believed that he was completely invincible. Let's take a look at this scene I Not even one bullet so much as grazes Vincent. Can you say invincible? but with with Vince being louder as like to so invincing to bull Invincing his Lancelot.
That means Guinevere was King Arthur's beautiful wife Just as Mia was the wife of Vincent's boss Marcellus Wallace like Lancelot Vincent isn't trusted with the protection of his boss's wife And also like Lancelot isn't exactly what you and I would consider loyal in legend Lancelot betrays his king and has a torrid affair with Guinevere and while Vincent doesn't technically do anything with Mia He was tempted and it's heavily implied that he would have stuck to her if not for the fact that he was far too Busy sticking it to her in a different and altogether unsexy way That's owners hate that but it's another parallel Vince saves Mia from the death he would have been responsible for causing just as according to legend Lancelot saved Guinevere when King Arthur was going to burn her at The stake as an adulterous that King Arthur sure sounds like a powerful and dangerous Yeah Remember that Arthur is king didn't go out questing so much as he sent others on quest justice Marcellus sends his two favorite knights Vincent jewels on a mission to retrieve an important awe-inspiring artifact the glowing briefcase Which means the briefcase is yes, there's a holy grail. That's why I was so ah damn it I should have made a separate title card for that. We could have had seven sounds a good number Marcellus Arthur the briefcase is grail stupid Mordred was Arthur's creepy son who ended up betraying Arthur and wounding him fatally at the Battle of Kamlin, which is a Battle the important thing is that Arthur trusted Mordred and was double-crossed just as Marcellus trusted Butch a down on his luck boxer Butch promises Marcellus that he'll throw his next boxing match in exchange for money But what does he do? He wins the shit out of that fight and runs away Betraying Marcellus and resulting in an all-out war between the two and just like Mordred Butch gets the better of his opponent in the end And there are swords like what knights have what else can I throw at you guys? That's insane all right Merlin wasn't technically a knight or a king But he commanded just as much respect and reverence as King Arthur Winston wolf Similarly is respected by Jules and Vincent who do all but bow down in appreciation for his near magical ability to travel across town in An impossibly short amount of time.
It's 30 minutes away. I'll be there in 10 and make all of their problems Disappear any other magic. It's your future.
I I see a cab ride Galahad was Lancelot's son and was just as invincible and impressive as a knight The difference is that Galahad always showed more knightly virtues than any of the other knights including Lancelot things like purity of spirit His mercy his dedication to God is it clear where I'm going with this I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger Jules loved him some Bible and God business both Galahad and Jules shared the burden of being religious in a violent world When Jules and Vincent are both spared from the bullets in the opening scene Vincent coldly says this shit just happens while Jules humbles himself and attributes it all to divine intervention What happened here was a miracle and I want you to acknowledge it Jules has morals he kills when he has to but he's not a Lou for careless about it like Vincent because he's so virtuous and Mercy I'm trying real Hard to be the shepherd mercy out the ass and in the legend Galahad ends up being the only one who was pure and virtuous enough to actually retrieve the holy grail When all the other less virtuous knights fall short because he's a righteous man and only when you remain free of sin Can you fulfill the quest you are destined to achieve briefcase holy grail eat it people who aren't me high-fives for those of you Who are?
That's all this week tune in next week on our topic will be That's new right that's a new thing.
What does the hawk mean?
If you're feeling saucy like me You like our videos there's I Thought there'd be more puns. We set this up and I what? Thank you. Click subscribe Use your noodle and the possibilities are endless breadsticks and we got there we got there All right, although I think she's actually more of a Jake and a mere fan.
I don't think Anyway today's episode is But it can't be true According to legend Lancelot came from France and in the beginning of Pulp Fiction Vincent just returned from Amsterdam Which are sharp reviewers can identify is right in the middle of not France true But he did swing by France, which is how he learned about you know what they call Quarter-pounder with cheese They call it royal with cheese. So already there's a French Connection Vincent whose name means victorious is his boss's prized hitman the guy who gets sent out on only the most important missions Lancelot according to our theory and legend is King Arthur's greatest champion when Lancelot fought the Dolores guard He single-handedly cut down 20 men and it was believed that he was completely invincible. Let's take a look at this scene Not even one bullet so much as grazes Vincent, can you say invincible? But with with Vince being louder as like to so invincible Vincent is Lancelot.
That means Guinevere was King Arthur's beautiful wife just as Mia was the wife of Vincent's boss Marcellus Wallace like Lancelot Vincent isn't trusted with the protection of his boss's wife and also like Lancelot Isn't exactly what you and I would consider loyal in legend Lancelot betrays his king and has a torrid affair with Guinevere And while Vincent doesn't technically do anything with Mia He was tempted and it's heavily implied that he would have stuck to her if not for the fact that he was far too Busy sticking it to her in a different and altogether unsexy way That's owners hate that but it's another parallel Vince saves Mia from the death He would have been responsible for causing just as according to legend Lancelot saved Guinevere when King Arthur was going to burn her at the stake as an adulterous that King Arthur sure sounds like a powerful and dangerous Yeah Remember that Arthur is king didn't go out questing so much as he sent others on quest justice Marcellus sends his two favorite knights Vincent jewels on a mission to retrieve an important awe-inspiring artifact the glowing briefcase Which means the briefcase is yes, there's a holy grail. That's why I was so ah damn it I should have made a separate title card for that we could have had seven sounds a good number Marcellus Arthur the briefcase is grail stupid Mordred was Arthur's creepy son who ended up betraying Arthur and wounding him fatally at the Battle of Kamal which is a Battle the important thing is that Arthur trusted Mordred and was double-crossed just as Marcellus trusted Butch a down on his Lux boxer Butch promises Marcellus that he'll throw his next boxing match in exchange for money But what does he do? He wins the shit out of that fight and runs away betraying Marcellus and resulting in an all-out war between the two and just like Mordred butch gets the better of his opponent in the end and there are swords like what knights have What else can I throw at you guys? That's insane all right Merlin wasn't technically a knight or a king But he commanded just as much respect and reverence as King Arthur Winston wolf similarly is respected by Jules and Vincent who do all but Bow down in appreciation for his near magical ability to travel across town in an impossibly short amount of time It's 30 minutes away.
I'll be there in 10 and make all of their problems disappear any other magic.
It's your future I see a a cab ride Galahad was Lancelot's son and was just as invincible and impressive as a knight the difference is that Galahad always showed more nightly Virtues than any of the other knights including Lancelot things like purity of spirit his mercy his dedication to God is it clear Where I'm going with this I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger Jules loved him some Bible and God business both Galahad and Jules shared the burden of being religious in a violent world When Jules and Vincent are both spared from the bullets in the opening scene Vincent coldly says that shit just happens while Jules humbles himself and attributes it all to divine intervention What happened here was a miracle and I want you to acknowledge it Jules has morals he kills when he has to but he's not a Lou for careless about it like Vincent because he's so virtuous and Mercy I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd Mercy out the ass and in the legend Galahad ends up being the only one who was pure and virtuous enough to actually Retrieve the holy grail when all the other less virtuous knights fall short because he's a righteous man and only when you remain free of sin Can you fulfill the quest you are destined to achieve briefcase holy grail eat it people who aren't me high-fives for those of you who are That's all this week tune in next week on our topic will be That's new right that's a new thing. What does the hawk mean?
If you're feeling saucy like me You like our videos? there's I Thought there'd be more puns. We set this up and I what? click subscribe Use your noodle and the possibilities are endless breadsticks and salad We got there we got there All right |
dropout | how_to_prepare_for_second_puberty | As you approach the monumental age of 30, the awkward transitional period of your life becomes nothing more than a distant memory. Until now. Welcome to Second Puberty, the stage of life when you actually become an adult. You're going to begin to notice some changes, like hair where there wasn't hair before. In your nostrils, on your back, and in your ears. Pretty much everywhere except your head, the one place where it matters. You'll see your body blossoming into womanhood. Womanhood being the doughier, wrinklier version of girlhood.
Cellulites, stretch marks, smile lines. That's right, smile lines.
You're being punished for joy. The day-to-day stress of your adult life will lead you to seek out comfort foods. Unfortunately, your new adult stomach can no longer handle delicious food. So you can either deal with the overwhelming cravings, or diarrhea. So much diarrhea.
That brings us to exercise. Not being fat takes a ton of work now. But with a strict regimen and a healthy diet, you might be able to transform that very chubby body into a sorta chubby body. And all it costs is your social life.
As a man, you might start to notice you don't crave sex the way you did when you were a teenager. This is referred to as the dicks-or-assholes phenomenon. You see, men reach their sexual peaks before women, when their chances of getting laid are the lowest. Then, their dicks slowly break over time. Human sexuality is essentially one big, missed high five. But that's nothing compared to fertility, which dictates that a 15-year-old girl making a mistake on prom night has a better chance of getting pregnant than a 40-year-old woman actively trying to conceive with her husband. In fact, fertility starts to fall off year by year after 30.
So start thinking about that stuff now, ladies. But why bother worrying at all? You have no idea what you're doing, and anyone who's ever given you advice is a fallible human who could be wrong about everything. Better you just drink to forget. Oh-ho! But hangovers are way worse now.
So, did I mention you can rent a car? That's pretty cool. Hey guys, it's Murph from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, here to watch more videos, or just say click out loud and our automated system will subscribe for you. How does it work? Computers! |
dropout | were_clark_kent_and_lois_lane_pervs_fans_vs_faves_pt_1 | from Robo to Lobo nerds like a lot of things there's something they love above all else that is correcting people this is um actually joining us today we have Brennan Lee Mulligan get in the comments no no I'm gonna cut this off right now and next thing we have Jess Clevens we have a very special fan contestant for this episode from Austin Texas this is Chris Callalung hello Chris is a fan just like you who got to be on the show if you want to be on the show subscribe to dropout get on the discord we've been we've been banging this drum for a while and it's your own fault if you haven't gotten on it how's everyone feeling ready to battle each other to the death over a bunch of pointless yeah one of you is going to die today I'm sorry we should have mentioned that before you flew out here someone's gonna die someone call my mom yeah well you you all know how this game works you've seen enough episodes and you've been all been on before but in case you don't know these are a stack of questions that contain false statements the things you know and love it's up to you to spot what's wrong with it and correct me using the phrase um actually if you don't say I'm actually I won't give you the point and you can interrupt me at any point as I'm reading the question just like in real life you guys ready to roll here mm-hmm yes well let's do it then this first question about comics Superman versus the amazing spider-man was the first superhero crossover comic between DC and Marvel it featured an array of fan pleasing moments including a villainous team-up of Doc Ock and Lex Luthor a fist fight between Morgan edge and J Jonah Jameson and a double date with Clark Lois Peter and Mary Jane Brennan um actually the the double date wasn't between Clark Lois Peter and Mary Jane who is it between I think that in that crossover he was not dating Mary Jane that's actually there was the double date between I just want to see who you would guess that's not what was wrong isn't that a little bit weird cuz in that continuity aren't they like teenagers isn't that like two professional journalists going yeah they're journalists there maybe they're investigating a story Peter Parker's kind of a journalist too he's also pretty much sure for his age right yeah he built web shooters yeah so yeah he's basically an adult and actually yeah Chris was it not a Doc Ock and Lex Luthor it was Doc Ock and Lex Luthor shoot just one of entry guests I'm so nervous my mom will have my head if I get this wrong why will your mom have your head if you get my mom loves DC and Marvel specifically specifically crossovers um um actually I think the first crossover was Wonder Woman oh this is I'm so wrong but Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel no what was it what's the answer tell me tell me I'm actually none of the moments were fan-pleasing this is disturbing these two older adults really hung up on me I hate it comparable ages the old grouch Brennan very well well no points for that one the answer here I'm actually edge and Jameson actually get a drink together they don't have a fight they have a drink together and they commiserate about how their star reporters or photographers are never around when something big is happening and it's they like really find common ground and just have like a nice moment you know that's genuine and we'll move on to our next question about video games the original NES game the Legend of Zelda started players at this link armed with only three heart pieces and a sword and let them immediately begin exploring a nonlinear world packed with eight boss filled dungeons Jess um actually it's more isn't it like nine no okay I was sorry I was like I played that and I feel like it was more than a long time when I was a kid a year gosh aging sucks so whimsical Brennan um actually link doesn't start with a sword that's correct he does not start with a sword yeah he's like a little deco he's like in a little deco village he's just hanging out now walking around straps in the middle of your hometown it's crazy yeah I mean you know it's dangerous to go alone yeah that's right now it like came to me I was like yep I didn't start out with the sword you just start out and like don't you start out like his little hovel it's a little hobby for the simple lives of these I'm just saying these sweet little forest elves in these hovels maybe we're not all these big powerful Hylian castle dwelling or out in the desert with the Gerudo but you know what they'd live a simple life yeah they're in their little well that is a point for Brennan congrats thank you move on to our next statement here in Highlander 2 the quickening we learned that the mysterious immortals are actually aliens originating from the planet Zeist a world that is referenced throughout the remainder of the Highlander series but never actually shown I'm actually yeah is it not the planet Zeist it is the planet Zeist um trap hates me um um actually the planet Zeist is shown we do see it in Highlander 2 colon the quickening we see it in Highlander 2 but we do not see in the remainder of the series oh we don't see in the remainder of the series okay so you're wrong or am I just right in a different way than you were expecting I'm actually Zeist is shown that's kind of what Brennan said what on the stage please answer answer okay I'm so excited we do see Zeist in Highlander 2 I said it's continually referenced throughout the rest of the remainder of the series and point of fact they tried to scrub that from the problem the rest the series they were like that was a huge mistake let's in fact they even re-released a version of Highlander 2 2 called the renegade version where they removed all the Zeist references because they thought it sucked this was a mistake we shouldn't have done this it was like a richer lore when it was just like yes they've always been on earth and this is just but they've just been beings that have been here rather than like we are from Zeist and we don't go to earth to compete that's insane if you had to pull a Zeist on anything like take one detail and be like let's scrub that that was a mistake let's not do that what would you do that for I guess me answering Brennan I didn't necessarily mean your own life I meant like in something but you can also do it there was a couple huge ones that I think the fan base would want a Zeist which would be we got to make that the verb people probably want a Zeist midichlorians right from Star Wars I'd want to Zeist the the way that the armies of the dead are depicted in Return of the King where it's like oh like invincible Pac-Man ghost army that comes out of no like why did the writers of Rohan all just die in the Battle of Pelennar Fields you could have just hung back for another ten minutes and this ghost crew swept in and taking care of everything yeah I probably Zeist that pretty hard saying on topic I would maybe the Zeist the Hobbit movies or even the prequel just all of it we can talk about it but it never leaves me.
Rankin Bass did it right the first time.
This brings us to a first for um actually first thing we're gonna do keeping a thing with the fan episodes this is our first fan submitted question that fan is sent in for you to answer this comes from bits number seven five six three bits bits bits thanks yes thanks if you'd purchased the original release of Dungeons and Dragons in 1974 you'd have found everything you need to run a campaign but it would look very different from the D&D you know today among the differences only three character classes were available cleric magic user and fighting man and hobbit was one of the playable races Brennan um actually hobbit was not one of the playable races it was halfling it was hobbit it was a later change to halfling what because it was like the the Tolkien estate was like you can't do that which is what kind of where like halfling was like oh yeah this is something else this isn't a hobbit fair enough yeah was he called a wizard not a no it's a magic user Jessica I'm actually hobbit wasn't one of the that is again what Brennan said I'm seriously not trying to steal your thunder right now you're not stealing it's not thunders yourself I wish I would steal my thunder because I have nothing to give you I wish that I had better stuff for you to take give me something you want to take another go no he got it he got it it's fine um actually you would not have everything you needed in the original set that you would buy in 1974 because there would be elements of the game that were not included in that set that's correct there wouldn't be dice right there wouldn't it would actually what it was is in the original white box it presumed that players owned and already knew the rules to two other games called chainmail and outdoor survival yes yes yes alternatively fighting man is just a fun label for that class yeah me I'm glad you had fighting man also doesn't like if I hear fighting man I don't think like swordsman I think like drunk in a box yeah just swinging an unnecessarily gendered non-descriptive term the term warrior is right there no we don't want that he's a fighting man we don't want a box man like well not war necessarily just generally getting into scraps well that goes thanks bits uh okay this brings us to our first a shiny question the game shiny questions like shiny Pokemon worth the same number of points just a little bit different and a little bit rarer and this is a game called a title of words you may have noticed that sci-fi and fantasy books tend to have titles that are like a blank of blank or a something of something so we've taken the nouns to six different titles and we've scrambled them all up and be up to you to try to arrange them into the combination of books that are the actual titles whoever can get the most will get the point for this question I'm cool cool all right let's flip those over let's see what you got Jess is just gonna put whatever Brennan buts I only got one for sure and now I'm looking at the rest and being like do I want to take stabs at it or do I want to be finally I'm just creating fun scenarios gosh I'm so glad we're on the same boat all right we will start we'll start at the end and work our way this way so Brennan tell us about your books here first one is the lathe of heaven okay the courts of chaos which there's something in the amber chronicles I remember the name courts of chaos vaguely the coming of Conan the Sumerian which just feels like people would you know that guy's nightmare he's showing up he's coming so he's constantly show that guy he shows up the next one is a case of conscience which feels weirdly non-nerdy that feels like he would I don't know be like a like airport like John Grisham now the next one is children of blood and bone and the last one is one that I'm planning on writing which is the shambles of a walking tour you know like a long walking tour and like it's just it was too long and you to the end and it's like oh we lost a lot of people some people have peeled off to the cafeteria early very good how confident are you in in these answers I think I got one okay Brennan you got five of these right but will we are you joking I am not sure but do we got down here and then and that's it for this preview of um actually if you liked it there's a whole lot more waiting for you on dropout dropout.tv to start your free trial today I'm Mike trap reminding you to get your pets spayed and neutered and to get your zombie pets obliterated zombie pets they're not the pets you loved anymore they're gone they're gone kill them kill we're going to put a review up on the screen here that is a snippet of a movie review be up to you to see if you can identify the movie based just on the criticism that is put forward here |
dropout | 13_things_you_think_are_true_but_aren_t_adam_ruins_everything | Napoleon wasn't short. He was 5'7", which at the time was taller than average. The rumor that he was a teeny tiny man was just a piece of British war propaganda.
It's not true that humans only use 10% of our brains. No study has ever shown or even claimed that. It's just something people say for no reason. Yeah, it turns out the whole brain is important.
No matter what your drunk cousin Dave tells you, there's no such thing as cow tipping because cows sleep lying down. Touching baby birds doesn't make their mothers reject them. Cows love their babies.
That's right, you could have saved that bird you saw when you were 10. You let it die.
George Washington didn't have wooden teeth. His actual dancers were made of gold, lead, hippopotamus bones, and donkey teeth. Huh, wood, how pedestrian. There is no medical reason to drink eight glasses of water a day.
No, you tell me. Sorry stoners, undercover cops don't have to tell you they're cops just because you ask them. Cops are allowed to lie, that's not a thing. Whoa, wait, so are you a cop? But like you could be a cop.
Vikings didn't wear horns on their helmets, and the Iron Maiden never existed. It was a hoax that was made up in the 19th century. Fake, fake. George Washington Carver didn't invent peanut butter, Thomas Crapper didn't invent the toilet, and Al Gore never claimed he invented the internet.
That's correct. What I did do was sponsor legislation which was the predecessor of the world. Albert Einstein didn't fail high school math. Of course I freaking didn't. I was the greatest scientist of all time. When you jackasses think I failed math, E equals MC, screw you. Nice one. Hang on.
The Great Wall of China is not visible from space. Yeah, every astronaut looks and none of us have ever seen it. But hey, while listen to us, we're only astronauts.
Not to mention, if you were ever thrown out of an airlock... You wouldn't explode. In fact, you could survive up to 30 seconds before you ran out of oxygen and lost consciousness.
So, here's a question. If none of these things are true, then why do we all believe them? Simple. Because they all tell good stories. It's so comforting and fun to think that Albert Einstein sucked at math too. Or that cops have to do what you say if you know the magic words. But that doesn't make it true. And nothing is more important than that.
Hey guys, I'm Adam Conover from College Humor. Click here to subscribe or here to watch another video. Might as well, right? I mean, we're all gonna die someday. Might as well fucking live it up while we can. |
dropout | facebook_s_algorithm_is_like_the_mafia | I guess I'll check Facebook. Well, well, well. It's like somebody's checking Facebook, huh? Oh my god, it's the Facebook algorithm. They control everything, the feed, what you see, what you don't see.
What's it do you? Nothing. I deleted my account, I swear. Oh! How much am I doing?
This is a nice place you got here. Oh yeah, a real nice place.
Thanks. Hey, do me a quick favor. Take a look at this article. Strawberries are bad for you, but not for the reasons you think? Yeah, what do you think of that? It's okay. Okay. Are you sure you don't like it? Be a real shame if you didn't like it. I like it, I like it, it's good, I like it. Oh, you hear that?
She likes it. She's a fan. She likes the article.
Oh, if you like it so much, here's a hundred more. Oh my god, that is so many articles. You're welcome.
Look, I just went on Facebook to see how my best friend from England is doing. Your friend from England? Oh, is this your friend from England right here?
Very pretty girl. You don't see her anymore.
Hey, ask her what else she wants to see, yeah? I'm going to, you idiot. Excuse me, Matt Wiesel. You have anything else you would like to view?
My friend Rachel just had a baby. Oh, a friend Rachel had a baby.
Okay. You want to see a picture of a baby? Yes. Okay, how about a picture of your high school bullies baby?
I'm not even friends with her. Yes you are. Oh, you friended her way back when and just forgot about it. We brought it up again for no reason. God, she looks just like her. It's so many bad memories.
Hey, let me do one. I'm your friend C. I'll show you whatever you want to see, C. What do you want to see? My friend Avery just got a puppy. Maybe a video of the puppy.
Okay.
But first, you got to look at 50 articles your friend's mother shared about mercury in black seeds.
No! No, why?
Why are you doing this to me? Because we're protecting you. Yeah, we're protecting you.
I just want to go back to the old Lydia timeline. Hey, we all have wants. If you want people to be able to see your little YouTubes, you best throw us some dough, okay? Oh, no. All right, we'll be back next week. We'll see you then. Todals.
Well, I guess I still have Instagram. Whoa! I didn't think it'd be that easy, huh? I've only eaten pizza for such a long time. I think I have scurvy. |
cracked | why_the_real_life_version_of_rocky_is_more_badass | The Rocky movies tell the story of Rocky Balboa, a Philly boxer going from underdog to champion To Russia puncher. It's a pretty good story and it's based on a real even more incredible this guy Chuck Wepner was a New Jersey liquor salesman who came out of nowhere to fight Muhammad Ali and Then fall back to rock bottom in a life of landing TKO's against logic itself Wepner got his shot at Ali in 1975 booked as a borderline stunt Everyone expected Chuck Wepner to lose early But the fight went round after round and then the bleeder did something no one expected Wepner knocked Ali down and for a second the world stopped of course Ali got back up and Mauled Wepner the rest of the fight and Won by technical knockout and left Wepner needing 23 stitches, but Chuck Wepner sealed in his legacy By knocking down Ali and then taking him into the 15th round Sadly the rest of weaponers life exploited that legacy using it to generate buzz for stunt fights against everyone from Andre the Giant To Victor the wrestling bear who was an actual bear a declawed nearly blind very sad bear Of course Sylvester Stallone left those parts out Allowing Wepner's fictionalized life story to inspire millions of people in an epic memorable completely bear-free movie Hey guys. Thanks for watching that video seems like you like watching stuff That's the case. Please come to UCB sunset theater and See me Jack O'Brien and my not brother Daniel O'Brien And other crack people presumably along with Georgia Hartstark and Karen Kilgarth the hosts of the my favorite murder Podcast as well as guests on one of our most popular episodes of the crack podcast We're gonna be talking about murder. We're gonna be talking about mayhem. We're gonna be talking Serial killers we're gonna be talking urban legends that happen to be true. We're gonna those are mostly synonyms I've just heard that listing things is Good for punctuating your sales pitch anyways, it is January 14th 7 p.m. Be there or be Murdered I can't say that kind of |
dropout | Tide_CEO_Soap_Isn_t_Medicine | It was very cool of you to come here and do this. Thank you for standing six feet away at all times. God, I need a fucking haircut. Hello again, America. It's me, David Taylor, the CEO of the company that makes Tide and its corollary product, Tide Pods. A couple years ago, I tried to check in with you all to explain what I consider a really vital concept.
Soap is not food. No part of me at that time could have ever guessed that that wouldn't have covered all our bases. But astoundingly, I'm once again back to say that in addition to not being food, soap is also not medicine. Not medicine, and it's not food. Don't eat Tide Pods, don't drink bleach, and never inject disinfectants into your body. No matter what you hear from anybody, anybody at all, this is a bad idea, okay? There are many other non-lethal ways to enjoy the vast array of products to keep your home clean, fresh, and most importantly in these trying times, disease-free.
Take, for example, our new concentrated dry soap tabs. Add water to just one of these capsules to make a whole bottle of hand soap.
Steve, are you there, bud? Can you unmute for a sec? Oh, uh, yeah.
Hey, these kinda look like aspirin, you know? They don't look like soap. There's literally a child-proof lid on it. Right, but we also don't want adults to think that they're medicine, so.
What? These are trying times for everyone, and the Tide Corporation is here for you. When you're trapped in your home, it's important that it smell fresh and clean. That's why our heavy-duty plug-in air fresheners have more vents than before to freshen more errands that we can't, well, sorry, guys, we obviously can't call them ventilators, right? Steve? We obviously can't call them ventilators. Do you see that that creates a confusion? Every hospital in the country is trying to buy more ventilators, and we're selling a product called Venti-Laters.
Steven!
Your audio is not good. Have you plugged in the ethernet like I screamed at you to do? Hey, David, there was a lag on my.
In these trying times, I swear to God, I can't say trying times again. There's gotta be another way to convey that idea. Try people. In these times, there's try people? Yeah, maybe that'll work, Steve, great idea.
Say see you later to loose fibers with the new Tide Defibrillator. No. The Defibrillator. What's happening? What are we doing here, people? This product barely makes sense, and then we named it Defibrillator? It's literally Defibrillator. Oh, no, no, don't worry. It's not actually Defibrillator.
I know that! Steven, I know that! That's literally the problem!
Why is there a doctor holding it? It's to honor our healthcare workers. You do not get to pretend that you're being noble if you're just doing some random shit. If I fucking jerk off on the subway, and I say this one's for the troops, that doesn't matter! You have to actually help people to honor them. Give them a pay raise.
I can't believe this is happening to me! Nevermind the new products. They're confusing and bad.
Just buy regular Tide laundry detergent because that keeps your clothes clean. If you're on the go and you really need it, you can use a Tide to Go pen. Right now, old proceeds from our Tide pens are actually, this is actually a good thing. They're actually gonna go towards funding epidemic relief.
We're calling them EpiPens! Oh, get fucked! No, we're not. This isn't a thing we can do! Does nobody see an issue with this? God, help us, EpiPens! Why does this have a safety cap like an EpiPen if it's for sub?
Hmm, okay, yeah, you're a dead man. I will break quarantine to find you. I mean, we're gonna get sued just for the name alone. I haven't passed that legal yet, but- Why haven't we passed it by legal? We're in quarantine. This is a repeat of the Tide pod thing, and I fucking clawed my way out of that shit. And now we got goddamn defibrillators?
Explain to me how it is that I didn't see these designs until right now. Oh, Jesus, no one likes sharing their work over Zoom!
Surgeon General's warning, do not eat soap to treat disease. Do we see how this could be a fucking problem? Also, I said I wanted normal soap. I didn't want it named normal soap. I think it looks better that way. How do I fix someone's brain? Soap.
Now more than ever, the world needs the peace of mind that can only come from the Lavender Freshness cleaning injector. This is a syringe. This is just a syringe. That's all that this is. It's for getting soap in narrow spaces. Oh, okay. Is that why it comes in this first aid kit?
Why is it a Swiss flag?
Cassandra? Doomed prophet alone and unheeded by the weary world? I told them the Tide Pods look like little gooey candies and they said no. And now the leader of the free world wants us to drink bleach. Do I drag my carcass to the mountain top once more just to scream a warning that will go unheeded and unheard or do I end it?
This straight up says Tide Suppositories on it. What possible explanation could there be for us to make a product called Tide Suppositories? What is it? It's a suppository. Why are we making suppositories?
So people can clean their ass. So that people can clean their ass? Well, with toilet paper supplies.
Shut up.
Weirdly, bizarrely, I actually follow the logic on this one. It's crazy I'm not in jail.
Hey gang, Brennan here. If you dig college humor and wanna support what we do, sign up for Dropout. For the cost of a very big dumpling per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. Chat with us live in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as Dimension 20. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? Ha ha ha ha. So sign up for your free trial today.
Or don't. Do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life.
I don't even know you. That would be crazy. I, um, it was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry. And that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA? |
dropout | hardly_working_troughing | I've had like a cold, like a bad head cold like sneezing, coughing sore throat for the past 40-50 weeks. Are you bragging? What up, Dooders? Hey, Dooder.
You guys mind if I trough this? No. Trough it? Yeah. Oh my God. What? Did we kill Osama? Yeah, like several months ago. I'm talking about how you're eating. You said I could trough it. No, no. Jeff said it was okay. I said trough. Did you get a fair set? No. In the trough, buddy. Come on, dude. Are you serious? Like break... Dude, break it up so I can eat it. There we go. There. Okay.
Sorry. Why?
You do that weird thing with your eggs and the ketchup. Yeah, people do that. People eat eggs with ketchup, okay?
And I wasn't even talking to you. What's up, Dooders? Hey, Dooder.
Interested lasagna brown rice. Drop it in. Sounds so disgusting. I said drop it in. I did. This is like a time saving thing.
What's going on? I don't know. You tell me. No, that's like...
There's still a lot of food in there. That's not fair. Patches put lasagna in there, dude. Most of the chili and the lettuce is gone.
Now I'm seeing beans over there. I'm seeing beans over there.
That is lasagna. That's chili. Thank you. That is lasagna. It's lasagna.
You're not even looking. I'm looking. I'm not even talking.
Okay. Thank you. All right.
So maybe there's like a tiny little bit of chili right there. That's it, though. Yeah, there's more than a look. Look. There's right there. You know what that is?
That's tuna casserole from last week. It's kind of like dried on there. Oh, my God. That is so disgusting.
Well, pardon me, Your Highness. How often do you clean your trough? I don't have one, so... Never.
You're the gross one, then. You're the gross one.
Fact is, I'm going to switch to my work trough while you're still making your way through that tiny-ass little sandwich. How's that for efficiency, Dooder? Work trough?
Okay. Yeah, work trough. That's okay. Yeah. This is normal. This is normal for everyone. Okay. I guess I'm the crazy one, because I'm eating a sandwich like a normal person, right? Will you stop talking with your mouth full? Yeah. You're right. Sorry. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_hippo_snl | Guys, can I get my cast for a second? So I just got off the phone with the studio.
Oh, no. God, was it about that potential writer strike? Uh, no. worse, the geniuses at the studio are no longer interested in a gut-wrenching drama about obesity, so they're shutting the film down. it's a wrap on the hippo. movie's dead, guys. What? seriously?
And the worst part is, I know how much work you all did to prepare for your roles. Yeah, a lot. I shadowed a therapist for two weeks to get into character, Blake.
I know. And Jonas drew a beard, which I know he hates. I do. I hate it.
And for his role, Keith gained 450 pounds in six months. yeah, and, uh. sorry, just to be clear, the movie is officially dead as if we're not making it. Nope. the Hippo will never see the light of day. Ah. well, that is, uh. that is. that's rough to hear. Wait, so if we're not making the movie, that means I dyed my hair brown for nothing? hey, hey, hey, hey. it's fine, okay? we're all upset. Keith, you look like this is hitting you pretty hard, too, buddy. uh, yeah, I got to say, this is really unfortunate for me, personally. yeah. for all of us. we all sacrifice for this film.
I shadowed that therapist on my own time. I can't get those two weeks back. right, and I gained 450 real pounds in six months. that's a big lifestyle change. Yeah, I have something called triabetes now. that's the one after diabetes. I have this goddamn beard. hey. sorry, it's itchy, and growing. It was a horrible experience. Well, I can relate, because gaining 450 pounds in six months also was not fun.
I had to eat something called gristle loaf. does anyone know about this? it's a brick, compressed. You know, it's a compressed beef, fat and corn syrup. I know exactly how you feel, Keith. my hair is, like, so brittle from the brown dot. this is Gristle Loaf, by the way. it's what they feed sick elephants at the zoo to get them back to their normal weight.
Eight, nine of these a day, because I thought I would win the Oscar. Yeah, and you would have. damn it. I should have seen this coming. the studio was fighting me from day one. Shayna, did you know they wanted your part to be played by a white woman?
The sad thing is, I'm not surprised. And, Jonas, they wanted to cut you out of Act three. And then there'd be what? no resolution to the custody battle storyline? God, they are so afraid of original ideas.
And get this. instead of gaining 450 pounds in six months, they wanted Keith to wear a fat suit. Is that. was that an option? Yeah. But I told them, I said, Keith is a method actor. he's not going to wear a fat suit.
Oh, well, you know, I really kind of wish you had brought me into that conversation. Oh, really? well, that's my bad, man. I'm sorry. guys, this whole thing is my bad.
But look, at least you guys are free. You okay? at least you guys are free to do other projects, right? Like Keith, you had an offer for a Marvel movie, right? I think that chip has sailed. I'm not exactly in X-men shape right now. All right. well, something else will come along. All right. Well, I do this on all my films, guys. on our last day of set, we all say one thing this experience gave us.
So I'll go first. I have 28 new friends. I have one hell of a story. I have a deeper respect for our craft. Same. All right. your turn, Keith. I have. not saying my penis in four months. Keith, you know what? make that 29 new friends for me. I wasn't included in your original friend power.
Hey, did the studio say why they shut the movie down?
Oh, you'll love this. they said the script is almost word-for-word the same as that Brendan Fraser movie, The Whale. incredible. I saw Brendan Fraser's gonna win an Oscar. Oh. good for him. |
cracked | 4_horror_movies_even_scarier_than_you_realized_yboc_get_out_invisible_man | This video is sponsored by NordVPN head over to NordVPN.com slash YVOC to get 68% off the two-year plan in a month free Also, it just really helps the show Hey there nerds. Thanks for stopping by to visit little Dr. Jordan Brady or as they call me in here juice hole Because I'm really good at snaking juice boxes from the cafeteria things have been a little rough Let's talk about the good times and how we're back with another episode of your brain on crack the show That's described as heavily penal and the only show on crack where zombies are bad But actually humans are the real monsters, you know, it makes you think huh? Anyway You're here for a reason so today I will non legally diagnosed Great horror movies successfully established the rules of their scary little universes and then stick to them It's important audiences know what happens if a character gets zombie blood in their eyes Or accidentally gives a gremlin a boner after midnight.
Otherwise, there's no real tension Sex and it follows becomes a terrifying prospect because it clearly explains sexual intercourse results in getting bone to death by Larry Bird Here are a few movies and shows that never clearly explain what I have to do to get bone to death by Larry Bird Probably get out some most shocking reveals that even white people who voted for Obama can be racist Another big one is the revelation that Chris's girlfriend Rose only dated him So her family could hypnotically trap his mind and auction his body off to wealthy brain rapists I mean for comparison that make rose like my third worst girlfriend's terrible We learn of roses intentions when Chris discovers a stack of photographs of her with all the black people she previously seduced including her parents servants Who were apparently banged into submission? Given that rose dated Chris for five months before taking him to meet her parents and considering that she appears to have dated well over a dozen People before Chris rose apparently started thin-foot hauling random black people when she was a best a teenager She's like the Meryl Streep of brain transplant crime. Oh my god Rose honey potting African Americans one at a time doesn't sound super efficient. But what else can she do? She's got to get those people to her parents house somehow and it's not like she could just abduct people on the street I mean if that's how dating worked we would all be dating Who's with your frame and your genetic makeup pushy foot around you'd be a fucking beast except that's exactly what she can do Tingles this motherfucker's life Andre was literally gradual wandering around an upscale suburban neighborhood presumably looking for an olive garden Rose's brother Jeremy lacks his sister's bubbly charm and perfect rest So he apparently just knocks out black pedestrians and stuffs them into the trunk of his car And here's the thing It's not like Jeremy's methods are any less successful than roses clearly Andre was hypnotized brains transplanted and sold with no real issues Jeremy achieved in a single night would took Rose at least a five full months and Jeremy also maintains his virginity so Jeremy's method is actually significantly safer Presumably Rose is constantly meeting people like Rod who eventually wonders where the hell their friends go all of a sudden It wouldn't take long for police to realize that anybody who dates this girl goes missing or even worse Abandons all their old friends and family for the company of old rich white people We've become such homebodies. Yes Yes New brain Chris could maybe have met up with Rod and the old white man living in his head could have been like hell No, dog. We are Gucci But surely the fact that this new Chris would remember nothing about Rod or their relationship would cue Rod something was wrong Now multiply that level of concern by however many people Rose met in the extended social circles of everybody She literally sexed senseless and honestly Bashing people with lacrosse sticks really feels like the best option.
It's all about this For a show focused so heavily on depression suicide and drug abuse the haunting of Hill House actually manages to end on a relatively upbeat note I mean, they don't like adopt an entire litter of kids or anything But Luke is safe from an overdose and mr And mrs. Crane are able to spend the rest of eternity together with their daughter now in the Hill House since people who die there Can hang around? Hang around Get it Get it the house is magical after life extending properties are why the original caretakers beg mr Crane not to burn it down if he did they'd lose their dead little girl forever It's also why they ensure the caretaker wife dies inside the house ultimately becoming reborn as a ghost mom to her ghost daughter I mean, it's a whole house full of happy Dad families But the implication here is that if any of the surviving crane siblings wish to spend eternity with her dad mom sister or I guess the Caretakers they're gonna need to make sure that they don't die anywhere except for the house itself If Luke overdoses on fire sauce in a Taco Bell bathroom or Steven crashes while right laying a beefy five-layer burrito in the Taco Bell Drive-thru. That's it. They're out of the family for all eternity Ensuring you died some random house in the Massachusetts woods is a pretty tricky commitment to base the rest of your life We've already assigned the bedroom. So no fighting over the bedrooms, but okay So they all managed to haul their wheezing dying asses to expire in the house as foyer Well, their new life really be that great Nell has literally haunted herself for over 25 years ever since moving into the Hill House now experience nightmares and visitations from what she calls The bent neck lady which is actually just now herself But still suffering the effects of her brutal suicide and the show's final scenes to pick mr Crane mrs. Crane and now is pretty healthy considering they're all You know dead But we know that in reality now will be occasionally forced to wander around Excruciating agony with her freaky broken neck since time is like a flat circle in this world And even if her neck magically heals because of familial love or her being a piece now or whatever Would you want to live at home with your parents? They're literally forever It won't be long until she's trying to chuck herself out a window.
You don't get it. You're the ghost Also, this isn't like a huge thing But Steven does remember a clock fixer guy in the house when he was a kid But mr Crane says that they never hired a clock fixer So the man Steve is all had to be a ghost But of course this now raises the question how in the world did the clock guy die? Did he just come to the house one day to fix the clock and accidentally trip and fall did the owners kill him for being? Shit fixing clocks. We're told the clock fixers are incredibly rare So wouldn't him dying at the Hill House have been a big deal to the surrounding community or at least the International Clock Fixing Association is he gonna be invited into one of the two families living there?
Is this gonna turn into a non-stop, you know freaky sex thing? Where are we gonna get another season of this show? Oh Well, that's good.
Now you could argue that glass isn't a horror movie, but I counter with James McAvoy eating Eating people You know actually because the movie stars Bruce Willis that automatically makes it diehard colon insane asylum Which also makes it a Christmas movie. So I think I'm kind of lost the point of what's supposed to be happening But that's kind of like glass. So boom First name mr last name Yes, the movie ends on something of a bittersweet note because yes Bruce Willis drowns in literally two inches of water Which is about the least Bruce Willis way you can die and yes the super villain mr Glass essentially wins, but all glass wanted to do is prove the existence of superheroes of the world I mean that's been his whole gig since unbreakable The way he goes about it is kind of shit in the way that blowing up a train full of innocent people is kind of shit But he's not trying to become super rich or nuke the moon He just believes superheroes are real and he wants people to believe in their super selves or whatever I don't know about these other guys, but we are like a superhero So the final scene has Bruce Willis's kid and mr Glass his mom and also on you Taylor joy sitting in a train station waiting for the footage to drop that reveals the existence of superheroes The implication being that once people realize their superpowers are possible They'll realize that they have superpowers and a new age of supers will be ushered in and that's great and all but the other part of mr Glass's ideology is the belief that if there exists an extreme version of something there must also be its opposite For example weak ass glass bones versus strong ass Bruce Willis bones This theory is ultimately confirmed by Sarah Paulson's character who says that this sort of thing happens all the time So it's not just kindly old ladies who learn they have powers But also all the people eating super villains looking solely at the dynamic between one such fair class and Bruce Willis It's clear the result was a massive net loss mr. Glass killed literally thousands of people in huge accidents resulting in millions of dollars in damage and Bruce Willis Saved like five people Keep in mind too that all the people who previously thought they were superheroes are currently confined to literal insane asylums Thanks to the sneaky clover organization if mr. Glass hadn't proved otherwise Bruce Willis himself would have thought he was going insane the first people to believe that they have superpowers will also be Literally insane and use their powers to gain their freedom at a minimum Lawyers across the country will want to re-litigate all of these wrongfully jailed super people either way They're getting out and they're probably gonna mess some up and or eat some cheerleaders It's okay, but Drake Drake's my new main man At the end of invisible man We not only learn how Cecilia's ex-boyfriend Adrian managed to become not visible But also I realized it was written and directed by the same guy that did upgrade and holy shit man movie slaps But before she can watch Logan Marshall green detachedly dispatched dudes in peace Cecilia needs to deal with how the police assume Adrian was a victim controlled by his ass Instead of the truth, which is basically the exact opposite I'd kick his ass otherwise the gaslighting will continue and she'll live with a constant nagging feeling that Adrian is always somehow in the room with her watching as Logan Marshall green just rips ass with that fight choreography that he claims is loosely based on sin yada from overwatch Cecilia decides to light a little gas lantern of her own and pretend that she likes Adrian again She heads over to his house for dinner Excuses herself dons her own invisibility suit and go straight stem on his ass or I mean, I guess like technically his neck And the movie seems to believe that'll be the end of that I mean, it's the perfect retribution and a perfect crime. Hooray for untraceable murder You know what? I think we need Have a little girls night Eat some cake Except her murder methods are exactly the same as the ones Adrian uses in the restaurant earlier at this point Presumably every cop on the planet knows the specifics of the insane story of the dude who invented a functioning Invisibility suit and used it to pen throat slicing murders on people without magic suits I mean the police are aware that Cecilia believes Adrian is guilty and that she remains terrified And sure the actual murder kind of seems self-inflicted, but it was caught on camera and it looks really damn sketchy There's security camera video of it James her cop friend sees the suit in her bag like right after the murder and even if he keeps it quiet for now Once other police get ahold of the footage, how long will he continue to lie? There are dozens of reasons why Cecilia would want to kill Adrian almost none Why he'd want to commit awkward shaky suicide moments after confessing his love and sharing would appear to be an intimate moment with Cecilia And again, I can't stress this enough The entire world just learned about fully functioning invisibility suits like three weeks ago They know what to look for and it's not just upgrade for rent on Amazon Prime And no, Blumhouse did not sponsor this episode.
But if you're listening, mr. Blum Can you sponsor an episode? Write a Blum check. It could be haunted. I don't even just a little scary check. It's easy You just have to Think as hard as you can think about you and me and then think us Too late Blumhouse you blew it Hey kids, it's me your dad You can tell that I'm your dad because I have a mustache as dads do and you can trust me I want to talk to you about your finances. Are you doing good with them? Here's the thing There's like so many gosh darn streaming services. How are you gonna use them all? There are too many you can't pay for them. Not with my money.
My inheritance will be limited We've had lots of recessions So I want to talk to you about this little thing called Nord VPN If you use Nord VPN you get way more out of your streaming services because I don't know if you know this in America Netflix has a certain catalog but in Canada it has a whole different catalog with significantly more horse shows and That's what your mom likes to watch. I don't love it, but she loves it and You just pay for the one Netflix subscription and then you get a Nord VPN subscription on the side Which you can do risk-free for 30 days so you know if you hate it you can get rid of it and then You can start watching whatever they got in Canada or Japan or Britain and then you don't need all these other streaming services And it's super secure and I've got servers in like 60 countries and they work with a top cyber security firm So, you know, no perverts are gonna get you and I don't like perverts because I'm your dad Dad's don't like perverts and Nord VPN will keep the perverts over here, but let you watch horse shows, right? So head over to Nord VPN comm slash YVOC for 68% off a two-year plan You'll even get a month free.
Also again, it really helps me your dad and his show Your brand uncracked and then you can use that extra money to save up for tick-tock school so that you can go eat with your friends professionally, I think You get what I'm saying Have a great day Alright. Well, we talked about mr Glasses weak-ass boners and glossed over the fact that I used to play the grass and talked about murdering people again, which I Should stop doing in here But anyway, be sure to see warden Jeffries on your way out and maybe ask about getting me some more juices Little apple juice for some of the boys juice. Oh, give me some juice Yeah |
dropout | honest_movie_theater_recap | You've been watching our pre-movie entertainment. If you're just joining us, here's what you missed. A fat guy arrived alone and navigated to a seat with a huge bag of popcorn. A guy stood in front of the theater scanning the crowd for his friends while they frantically tried to get his attention. A film nerd talked about reviews online. The theater was suddenly filled with the smell of fast food. Someone from the previous screening used their cell phone to look for a lost mitten. Two strangers, passive aggressively, fought over the armrest. That fat guy finished his popcorn already? Jesus.
An entire row begrudgingly moved down a seat so a couple could sit together. A group of idiots could not believe how packed the theater was. No one got that stupid cinema trivia question wrong. An entitled bitch stretched your belongings across six seats for friends who still haven't shown up. The annoying people behind you are being really loud and even though technically that's allowed, you're really starting to worry they'll keep it up once the movie starts.
You wondered whether you should go pee now or if you should hold it. Ha, you'll just hold it. Besides, what's the- oh my god, that fat guy went and got nachos now? And who gets a large soda? It's like a goddamn football.
Ugh, you don't even know why you go to the movies anymore. You can just download this online in a week. Now enjoy the movie, if you can. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_76_alexander_bertrand | Well, welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show. You're joined today by myself, Clancy Overall, and editor-at-large, Errol Parker. How are you, Errol? Not bad, Clance. How are you today? Good, mate. Now we're recording live from the back of the Boots studio, as usual. We've got a special guest in here today.
There's been a lot of great yarn smiths, I guess you could say, from Western Queensland. There's been a lot of stories about a lot of blokes set in Western Queensland. Batutah Advocate have written many, but one of the more iconic authors of, I guess, the last century, particularly for blokes in cowboy fiction, was a man named Robert G. Barrett. Yeah, he wrote 20 books about the same bloke. That's a lot of yarns, Clancy.
Yes, he was writing about the now iconic character Les Norton. Obviously, Robert G. Barrett's past, he's no longer with us, but his stories remain, and for many years, John Singleton, Jack Singleton, that particular media family have been working quite hard with different EPs and screenwriters to get a TV show up and running about the life of Les Norton, the wild man from Durabandy who moved to Bondi in the 80s and ended up becoming a bouncer in the King's Cross at the time, the colourful King's Cross. And that's now in Rake's old slot on the ABC on Sunday nights, isn't it? Yeah, Sunday evenings at 8.30, Les Norton is now officially brought to life. He's been getting some great reviews, and actually we've been lucky enough to be joined today by the lead actor in the new Les Norton production, Alex Bertrand.
Now, Alex is one of those actors who didn't grow up with dreams of becoming an actor. That's something that's come later in life.
He's a boy from down there at the northern part of Sydney, the northern beaches there. Sea Eagles country.
Yeah, so he's left school and joined the army. A couple of years later, he injured his leg. And then, like most people who don't really know what to do with their lives, he ended up at acting school. And to tell us all about it, he's in the studio with us.
You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Alex Bertrand, the actor playing the iconic Les Norton in the wildly popular new ABC show Les Norton, based on the Robert G. Barrett? Robert G. Barrett books. I nearly said Robert R. R. fucking... Any good author... They need to put an R. R. in there, because it's almost fantasy.
Any author that doesn't have a middle initial doesn't work out. Doesn't work out? Nope.
J. K. Rowling, Top Con. R. L. Stine. R. L. Stine!
How are you, Bertrand? What's going on, mate? Not a lot. Just come off the back, obviously, of the fourth episode on Sunday and about to start Fallout next week. So, just kind of in the middle of chaos at the moment. Just had to move house and, yeah, just settling in, really. I mean, I guess it's probably not fair to describe you as plucked off the street, even though a lot of the PR team behind Les Norton are saying those kind of things. You've been acting for a little while. Yeah.
I mean, it was more that thing of, like, you never think you can just be an actor. Do you know what I mean? Honestly, it's not the thought that goes through your head or that there's a way of going about it. And even still, with acting school, it's still not the way, you know what I mean?
It was just the way that I thought, from my military perspective, obviously coming out of that, I was like, what's the way that I can walk into this and have something behind me and have the training? And it was like, obviously, two-year diploma at Screenwise, you finish, and you're still thrown into the mix, and that's, like, 2015. So you start 2013, four months out of the Army. You can imagine what that was actually like. You've come from a year. You're told when you go to bed.
Mate, on and off, the injury to, obviously, my right leg, being at TRW there. Shout-out to anybody who's stuck at TRW right now.
That's Singleton? No, that's actually down here at Holsworth.
That's the trainee rehabilitation wing of the Australian military. And basically, it's where every single trainee who's been injured has to go and rehabilitate. And you can imagine there's- Really, from all over the country? Yeah, and you can imagine there's probably, like, I don't want to put numbers out here when I was there, but there was probably 60% or 65% were malingerous, which is, you know, faking injury and just have been there for a year and a half with HDTVs and sitting there in their cell. And you can imagine, and then like, oh, H&S, you know, that you're not allowed to train outside your rehab programs or anything.
So you're just stuck in this. Your only release was when you're actually going to the hospital and the rehab facility, which was open when I was there. It's an $8 million rehab facility. They opened at the time.
This is every XSF member. Obviously, anyone stationed down there, they're coming in to get their prosthetics fitted. They're, you know, you're walking through.
There's the guy with the, you know, he's your size, Archie's 6'6". He's got a huge scar across his head. He's trying to fit a circle into a square hole. You know, that's his daily rehabilitation.
And while you're stuck there, you're also under the thumb and scrutiny because you're still a trainee, so you're not respected as a soldier yet. So it was like, you know, I did a solid six, seven months of that. So there's not much valor in that kind of place. Mate, you do get approvals to go play enemy and stuff like that for, you know, two commander or whatever it would be if they're doing some kind of training exercise.
And, you know, I mean, that's the only release if you've got shits and you've hit a medical grade where they'll let you go do that. But other than that, it was basically hell. You know, like it was like being in jail and it was, you know, you were stuck there and that was every day.
Once you left there, me and a buddy of mine, you know, we trained outside the rehab program. We'd go to Liverpool anytime fitness. And, you know, three of us would go at night once we'd knock off and we'd drive off base and go train. And then, you know, because people were putting on weight.
So you had a busted knee? Yeah, so I'd snapped the right kneecap. I had grade four damage to my patella, grade three to the chondral area, my actual kneecap itself.
But I tried to crack on for, you know, probably a month because just hoping I could get back squatted. You know, back squatting is basically if you're with your one platoon, you might be able to do five weeks of rehabilitation, jump into another platoon that's five weeks into their training and then you finish off.
So you're not finishing with your actual mates you were with, but at least you're finishing. Now that's what I was hoping to do. But then they start doing x-rays and surgeries and then, you know, the things start and then they send you off and, you know, eventually you get that shit that says, you know, you're no longer gonna be an infantryman or have any physical capability here. You can't pass it. So when you hit that stage, then you go into the process of exiting the army. Is it a bit of a come down there? Mate, I can't tell you.
Like I trained for, originally I wanted to be a clearance diver. So when I was in Thailand, went over there at 19, absolutely no visions of being a fighter or anything. Just going there to train with a couple of our mates who'd actually gone over there at the time.
Now this is where Tiger Muay Thai and Dragon Muay Thai were at the time. Now there was nothing else on this road. Tiger Muay Thai had a hole in the wall cafe, you know, maybe two, three rings at the most that had set up there. Dragon was still the one ring at the front. They just built these two little complexes on the road. Now you fast forward 10 years, this is now the Mecca for fitness in the world.
You know, and it's like, and so Boyd, who was actually training with us at Dragon got, I thought his name was Boy for the, you know what I mean? But his name was Boyd and Boyd Clark, his actual name.
And he basically, he married this tiger when we were there. And he set up like a pad store, you know, selling a couple of things. Anyway, he goes on to own and open Phuket Top Team. So all the trainers that originally started with the Dragon were there.
So, you know, it was this kind of, it was a crazy time to be there when we were there. It was just this new experience in the jungle. Were you diving at the same time? No, no, no. So the whole thing was, is like, I went over there and then this random dude, this is what I'm getting into, this random dude is there, he's my age. I just met him when we were there. He's the youngest guy ever to have made the divers in the history of 16 to nine months. Now he's there on three months paid leave a year. So you can imagine you're over there doing the adrenaline thing, you're training, you're fighting, you're doing whatever, and then suddenly meet this dude and he's, you know, he's on 105 grand, whatever it is, you know, fresh out of training.
So I kind of went, you know, this is, you got to remember, like we're raised in that generation that our trauma was September 11, right? That was our trauma then. So that was reverberated through us growing up. So it was the whole thing that peak of the war, I'm then 19, I went, mate, if I survive that and come out of that, I can do anything. You know, I remember I actually had the conversation with my mom because I wanted to, you know, I thought about acting and I was like, no, I've got to do this first before I can go back and do something like that. It was just something in me, you know, like just had to do it.
So went over, fought, came back, started training for the divers. I got accepted through the me sessions and the you sessions and everything there, but they weren't running a CDAT for, which is Clearance Dive Acceptance Training for, you know, probably 18 months where it ended up being from the day that I was actually accepted. So you still got to be doing your medicals running through.
You can imagine everyone just, just, you know, everyone's going, oh, is he really gone? You know, you're young, you're still waiting and you just feel like an idiot because everyone's, you know, moving on to what they're doing there at uni, you know, doing what they do.
So eventually they said, look, you can try it for the infantry. You know, eventually down the line, you might be able to go try it for two commando or do whatever, you know, they pump you through the whole thing and so I went, yeah, that's great. Go in there, finish basic training, first two months of a single snap makeup, it's all over. So you can imagine that's almost, you know, two years, two years of hardcore training in your life. So the come down that you have off that, it's, yeah, it's hard to describe because you've spent that whole period being taught that you're not a civilian. You're a soldier, you know.
So for the listeners who don't really know that the Navy clearance divers, they're more like the, in America they'd be the Navy SEALs. Yeah, it'd be more like they'd be the UDT teams, like the underwater demolition. So you trained in, you know, pneumatic drills and chainsaws and water insertions and a lot of underwater explosive ordinance clearing.
Yep. And it's high octane.
So this bloke you met, he was an intense dude. He was and he was, you know, this guy was like five foot six. You know, he's like tiny, five, six, five, seven. Like he was the shortest, littlest dude.
And he was telling me stories about, you know, when he'd be on dive course and lose his mask and wouldn't even have the guts to like say, I've left my mask and he'd be doing night dives with no bloody goggles on, you know, off palmy. Just because he knows how chewed out he's gonna get. Because if it's an operational deployment, they train the same way. So he would just prefer to just shut up and have his eyes open in the dark. Go salty.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and I don't know what it is, but you know, when you're a young bloke, it's just something about, you know, I was definitely wanting to test myself in that way. You know, I was young, fit and capable. And I mean, yeah, just the way, the massive believer, you know, in the universe, obviously, and everything's happening for a reason.
And then suddenly the injury at the time was, you know, gutting. And then it's like, you find yourself surrounded by these potentially not injured blokes. Well, well, well, I think there are, there's a lot of people who don't really know that there is, the jail for the whole of the ADF is also on holds worthy. It is. Yeah, did you get to hang out with those guys too? I did get to meet a couple of military coppers when I was in there. They were, yeah, they were like, I mean, the military police, obviously, you know, that's a high octane job in itself. Because you don't realize that when they start, the deployments they get tailored to, you know, diplomats and, you know, in war zones. Yeah, right. So these guys actually then get put in the most high risk PTSD triggering kind of jobs because they're constantly on, surrounded by, you know, diplomats, protecting them 24 sevens. But I mean, yeah, they have the brig out there and I think guys can do up to a year, a year inside and you know, come out, so. Did you find that PTSD thing, like the whole attitude towards that in the military changing while you were there?
Yeah. Because it feels like a relatively new thing that everyone's, you know, it's actually accepted and it's a thing that you talk about now. Yeah, I mean, it's. In and outside of the military. Yeah, yeah, I mean, totally.
And it was like at the time, obviously, you'd see it from, you know, you'd see it from higher ups, you know, you'd meet guys and there'd be guys obviously clearly who, you know, were suffering from it badly and, you know, you just put it down to them being angry or having a chip on the shoulder or whatever and then you find out the guy's been in three IED strikes. He's an interesting guy. Yeah, you know, he's got a story. But I mean, the amazing thing is, is that, you know, I dealt with a lot of guys coming out of the military, you know, I met a lot of guys from Royce-Hardman, you know, stood in front of Soldier On and a couple of the guys and it was basically their platoon, they had a really hard hit and two of them have actually killed themselves since I've known these guys. It's funny that we're talking about this because I met a guy through Stephen Lemecon who plays, you know, Thumper in the series.
Now he started an app called Red 6. It's for military members all around Australia and they're trying to make it international at the moment and basically it's you can be walking around, there's different stages and different tiers to, you know, obviously needing your help and how you get your help but Code Red would be emergency services and everyone coming out. As you pass other military members, you can actually see where they are in your range no matter what, you know, Army, Air Force or Navy as they served with you and actually have a bio about them, how many tours they did, what they have and you can have the information and related to share with these guys.
So it's, you know, the extra specialist boys who did danger close, they're totally behind it but that's a field that, you know, it's all experimentation I think. I think in the States they're even using psilocybin and, you know, testing all kinds of hallucinogens now with guys and they're having some success and some not and, you know, it's a- A lot of work to be done. A lot of work to be done, yeah, yeah.
Now at what point in your life, Alex, were you actually working the door in the cross? Working the door.
Was that pre-army? That was pre-army. So that was pre-lockouts. Pre-lockouts, that was pre-lockouts.
Now also a little birdie told me you might have been working for a prominent hospitality professional from Sydney. A little hospitality professional from Sydney, that is true.
So basically John, I was actually very good friends with his son Daniel when we were working up there, when we were younger and, you know, I started off at a place called The Back Room when they first reopened. It was Lady Lux when I was very young. Yeah, you know, I was a young dude who could handle myself. I was training for the military when I'd come back from Thailand.
You know, you can imagine you're sober on a weekend, you know, Thursday to Sunday and you go out there and you make the same as you would for a week's wages. Back then it was cash, you know, so it was just- That's living. It was just a different time and obviously it was nothing permanent, it wasn't a career.
No super. No.
You know, but it was, it definitely taught me a lot about reading people. And you know, there's one thing that I took from that, nine times out of 10 you can talk someone out of something. You know, it doesn't matter what, they could have a brandy glass turned upside down and your face off their bloody head, you know, trying to have a crack and you can nine times out of 10 just be like, mate, you know, I'm sober.
I've been here, you know, like trust me, like, you know, I've got, there's six Islanders who are on call. You know, the biggest guys I've ever met, you know, like Samir we used to work with up there was the silver medalist in the Sydney Olympics in judo. Yeah. You know, he worked with all of me there and it's like, these are the kind of guys that are on call with you, but you know, I could run the door and show face there and I mean, it was an exciting time, you know, lots of girls, lots of fun.
Yeah, but there's always that one, isn't there? There's always that one. There's always that one, man.
He's dropping names, dude. He's dropping names.
Hey, Samir here, you told me to... That was the first time I saw a guy get kicked in the head as he was upright, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So did you grow up playing, like the character Les Norton, obviously a lot of our listeners are well and truly familiar with Les Norton and Barrett.
Barrett sold a million books in Australia, which hasn't been done that many times.
Did you grow up playing rugby league? I played league till I was six, and then I transferred to union. I played for the, it was a C4th Raider.
Back when there was money in it. Back when there was money in it, you know.
So I was talking about like, do you remember what it was like to go on a Saturday night and the whole team, all the parents would be there together and you'd all go over and someone would have the barbecue and you'd be watching John Eales go for the, you know, the Bleda style, the Tri-Nations and he'd be taking the kick or he'd watch Greg in Takeout Lomu, you know. It was exciting and it was cool and it was real. I mean, that's when I played and I ended up playing for the Marlins. So under four teams, I think, we did the undefeated tour of New Zealand, came back and they came back two years later and they were all six foot eight and 120 kilos or whatever the hell they were.
I don't think anything has changed at all. The only things that have changed are the fucking refs. Because now it's like, if you're an all black, you can enter from the side, you can enter from the front, you can enter from the back, you know, it doesn't matter.
It's just approved. Oh, they also gave us a coach for like five years that was a sleeper cell from New Zealand or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's paid attention anyway. Fucking Robbie.
Deansy. That's what my mates always say. Deansy. When you make a shit call, write a Deansy.
Now, you've done a bit of TV before and you've actually done a bit of film. I had a pretty good upbringing, you know, great family then, obviously, coming up, parents divorce, probably 13, 14. You do your separate ways, you go to school. I actually got into filmmaking when I was super young. So, I used to film and I did snowboarding movies and we'd make little jackass. You know, just fuck around. Like every young man in the Western world for about two years there.
Got that camcorder out. Couple of trolleys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I did some work experience at a place called the construction site in North Sydney. And it was all unpaid I basically, I went in there and they were doing the Kelly movie at the time, the Slater movie. And they asked me to take, you know, 41 hour DV tapes, cut all the scenes of Kelly paddling. And I remember I was in there and just kind of kicked off a good rapport with them. And then he introduced me to a guy called Ryan Gardner.
Now, Nugget was his nickname. Nugget owned digital snowboard magazine.
So, at the time they were the only mag that would come out and they'd have a DVD with them. Now, I started working with him. We went down to Jindabyne. We started filming. I went over to do a camp in Europe for four months called Holy Moly, made the whole thing. You know, they comped the whole thing for the camp I had to do is pay for flights. I think it was like 14, 15. Whenever I did that, came back, obviously had a love of filmmaking, went to the States, did the same thing, snowboarding for years, back-to-back winters, went to the cross.
But then the acting thing didn't come into play, as I said, until the injury. And the injury was kind of like later in life and I'd always done the behind the scenes, but never in front.
And then, you know, obviously something, and he just goes, go, you give it a crack, you end up at this school. I finish, the day I finished, I had a pretty lucky series of events, had a good audition for a pretty big role overseas. And then I just missed out on the new MacGyver series. They did end up coming down the final two or three. AKA America's Les Norton. Yeah. There, you know, it was like, and that was like, I hadn't done anything. And that was just as I'd finished acting school within four months. And so, I mean, at the time it was all going quite well. And then, you know, I was down at my mum's farm and coming back and forth, living in the East. And then, you know, I did a show called Hide and Seek with Deb Lee Furness and Maddy Nabal.
First day on set, first scene, Harriet Dyer's playing my girlfriend and I'm playing a Nazi. So they shave all my hair off and cover me in Nazi ink.
Really? Maddy Nabal breaks my ribs. Oh, really?
I do eight takes each side of this like three, four minute long running scene where we're doing a fight. And after like four or five takes, I'm bouncing him off the concrete. He's bouncing me off the concrete. We just, you know, we went hammer and tong and I had another two weeks of shooting to go and we just kind of finished. And I just put a hairline fracture in two of my ribs, you know, by the arm. I've got the pad on and I'm trying to sit up and I still got two weeks of filming to do.
Well, he's an extra. He played NRL. Oh, he's a tough unit, man. He's a gun boxer. Big boy. So he's not throwing the punches to hit me, but every time it's the same spot. And even just with his power and precision, even if it's two or three of them caught, it's enough, you know, one's enough.
So that kind of happened. And then, you know, I finished the two weeks and it was a great, great little series. There's heaps of fun, you know, and it was pretty on the pulse with what's really been happening around Australia. And then I finished that, did a bit on home and away for three months.
As you do. Playing a copper, yeah. And just, you know. Oh, you got to short, you got to bypass the heartthrob role. You went straight to a cop. Yeah.
Chasing those bloody river boys. Yeah, well, that's funny because you're now with a river boy in Les Norton.
And he's a dubbo boy, right? He's a dubbo boy, yeah.
And that's another thing about this Les Norton. You guys have this accent that you do sound like ringers.
You spent a bit of time up in Deere and Bandy? So I wasn't Deere and Bandy, so I went up to Wallumbila.
Yeah, right. Yeah, we filmed, so I was up near Roma there and we drove out to Wallumbila and did this Iron Jack commercial last year. Yeah, right. Oh, the Wallumbila Hotel, they got the bench of bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the federal, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I finished there, but then they got this extra.
Man, Jesse Johnson. You know, he comes on set and he sits right next to me and he's got the beer with the non-alcoholic beer in it on a Friday arvo. And every single take, he's just sipping away, sculling this non-alcoholic beer and the standby prop's just coming, going like, are you taking the piss, you know? And he's like, you know, it tastes good.
And I started listening to him talk and, you know, next thing you know, he's telling me where he's from. He's from right near Deere and Bandy, about 90 k's away.
And we started talking and just this, you know, it was just a light bulb moment. I was like, you're Les Norton. Like you're, you know, in terms of a character and like, you know, take the whole thing with it. I was like, yeah, that's the, that's the kind of run I'm going to take with it. And then, you know, you're four months later, you're doing the callbacks or whatever, three months later, you're in LA. So you already, you already had your eye on Les? I'd already done the first round, but it was like, we did a series to, you know, it would be out hopefully next year, Australian gangster. And so John and Dan Edwards, who produced a gangster with Roadshow, they produced Les Norton as well. So they mentioned, we've got this role, but obviously at the time, you're like, once you hear the names they've got thrown in the mix and the guys they've got with them, you know, you're going like, as if I even have a crack at this or even a shot. And, you know, you know, they took this shot and then, you know, within two weeks, it was kind of all working out and yeah, it was just a real experience taking this dude that I met up there, Jesse Johnson of all names.
And you know what? The best thing is that the other day I ran into the, I ran into Ed the, so he's actually, he's the head of Line, you know, they do all the beers. And so I ran into him and seen him in over a year. And I mentioned that, you know, I've used Jesse as this characterization. Do you remember? And he goes, yeah, yeah, Jesse goes, he goes, do you know what his email was? And I was like, well, he goes, good on you Jesse. Good on you Jesse, if you listen, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've heard the yarn about how the boys at Line, they were, they basically got caught asleep at the wheel because Great Northern has just, you know, taken up that whole big market. Snuck into the bush. Well, well, they were, well, well, Line, I guess, was trying to give 4X a bit of a different lane. They'll think, you know, a bit more Corona for 4X. Great Northern just became 4X and snuck in.
Yeah. And then these guys from, um, from Iron Jack have come down and said, you know, like Great Northern is the beer that's up on all the boats up there. You know, that's just their thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Iron Jack is more of a crabbing beer. You know, like, you know, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no. I thought that yarn was a fucking lie. And then if you have a look on the bottle, there's actually little tiny crabs on the fucking label, buddy. They're all over it. It was, um, yeah. I mean, I was still going to get some Iron Jack.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Go get caught. Yeah. Get sorted out with that. Now, now just quickly, the Mu Tai thing. That's a big thing in the military right now. We had another guest on Tyson Pedro. Uh, Tyson. Yeah. Actually met Tyson when we did, uh, when I was training for gangster. Yeah.
And he did, um, he's got a, he's got a great MMA background, but is that, is that what's happening in, in, in the forces of the moment? Um, look, I, you know, it's been seven. Was that just you and your mates running? You went Australian Thailand and obviously, obviously, you know, you, you, you got to know how to fight in the military. And it's a big part of it. I mean, one of my, one of my best mates to this day, um, you know, when, when mentioned his name, he's in there, he's in the SAS, he's gone selection.
And he said, okay, don't call me till your famous dickhead. And I said, yeah, yeah, sweet. And I said, don't call me till you make it. Anyways, surely enough, January, I called him up and I said, oh, guess what? We're about to be famous dickheads.
He flew across, we sat there, we had a beer, we had a war fight, you know, we were just having a good laugh. But I mean, he does, you know, hand to hand combat. He does a lot of crab, he does a lot of jiu-jitsu.
But when it hits you and they do a lot of, yeah, I mean, yeah, high, high octane is the word we use for that. Yeah. Now, have you been getting much love from the bush? Because I mean, I'd tell you the reviews we've been hearing is everyone loves it. And it's, you've done the books justice as well.
No one knew where they'd find a red nut as tall as you, not a natural red nut, mind you. No, no. So I had to, so I had to shave Ted for, for gangster. So that was the first note that I got the day we finished was can you please just not cut your hair, just grow up from here, you know, just in case they're in LA and they're like, Oh, can you just go get a diet at a hairdresser real quick just to make sure, see if it looks, so I'm like, okay, you know, this bloody bright red and I'm still looking at it. And it's like, surely enough, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But then when you come back, they had to do like different shades, you know, so they're going through like the bleached eyebrows, then into the, the first shade of red, then it's too red. Then they're going back from the strawberry and you're walking through. And the first, the first day I'm walking past the Oaks and some dude, just yells out of his ear and I felt gutted because suddenly I realized, I was like, Oh man, like that actually, I was like, I was like, yeah, that actually hurt.
And he's like, he's like, okay, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't deny that. It's so weird how the man who created this whole thing has been dead for a number of years. And he's the only one who would really know what color red. His hair was.
And then, and then you've got these people down there in the, in Ultimo at the ABC, you know, earning hundreds of thousands of dollars of taxpayer money. And they're having a whinge over what color your hair should be. It just, it boggles the mind. Yeah. But they, they all, you know, every everyone's going to say when it comes down to, cause so many people were involved in this thing, you know, from the start from Singo, you know, his dad, the Schwartz boys, you know, he's a, he's a young pup.
This is seven, eight years ago, almost nine. He approaches Bob Barrett while he's still with us, you know, in his last legs for his last year, walks up to him.
He's like, Hey mate, I'd love, I'm a fan. I'd love to make these guys. Yeah, cool. You just got to talk to Singo first.
And that became the thing, you know, and then obviously Bob leaves the rights to Lisa, Lisa Farrell, this beautiful angel, the possum that, you know, he talks about in the books there. And so he leaves the, the other part with her. And then there's all these dispersed rights and kind of over the thing, he actually, he might've sold the rights to a few different people. Perhaps, perhaps, whatever he did in the end, I mean, the one thing that he knew that I love to see the fans, you know, everyone debates over it and they all go, you know, Bob would be turning his grave. You see some of these comments, you see that and you go, okay, well Lisa knew him and he actually knew in the end, John and his brother, Mike Schwartz for what they did with Morgan O'Neill to actually create this thing and run the ball up from there and actually have Bob's approval, you know, on certain things.
And obviously on the ground level, when they started, I didn't know all was familiar other than the character just knew the name Les Norton. Now I started on this thing and it wasn't emotional to me. It wasn't even attached.
I mean, you get cast, you're in LA and you're basically, you know, you've spent all your money. You've, you've earned from, from this other job, you're living paycheck to paycheck. You know, you're coming back and there you are in LA, you're just finishing.
And you're like, you know, you're like, Oh my God. So I'm Les Norton. You're like, yeah. Okay. And then I'm thinking it's not even as big as Australian gangster. I'm thinking it's just this, you know, pretty decent show ABC. And then they, they call me and they go, okay, so we got your first co-star. I was like, Oh cool.
Who's that? Oh, it's Rebel Wilson.
Yeah. Shit. What? Yeah. Okay. And then it's like, Oh yeah.
And you know, obviously like, you know, you, I work well under pressure. That's the one thing I've, I've worked out, you know, like if, if we've got spare time, I'm no good, you know, give me a whole bunch of shit to do and I'll, I'll, I'll work pretty well. And it was like, so the, the pressure, I guess it came from that is, is, you know, the pressure to perform and then you go, okay, so you really focus on it.
And I just went down, spent some time with my family down the South coast with Chrissy. Went and got this huge 10 person, two room tent, you know, split it up, put it in my front room and put my, my grandfather's book from World War II, you know, my grandma and him both passed away, but you know, he was a highly decorated fighter pilot. Yeah. Bring his book everywhere I go. And I've got my grandma's elephant, which is a brass elephant from India where she was born. So I bring them everywhere with me, got my little sage, you know, I'd burn that, got my 10 eps. And I just woke up every morning watching the whales and dolphins jump. And I'd have the roos around me.
Read the whole thing. Top to bottom? Read the whole thing top to bottom.
And I, you know, I went to Lowe's and I bought a bunch of like ACDC singlets and footy shorts and just thongs and you know, I just didn't wear anything else but this and they dyed my hair halfway through this song. Let me hit the gym obviously at some point.
Yeah, that's, that's, that's a big raid. That's, that's, that's easy.
But it was, but you know, the funniest thing was I remember I got to like 8 and I just called Morgan and I hadn't really spoken to Morgan for the Christie period. You know, I met him for a beer, I think in Milton when we were down there just, just over the Christie period. But I called him and I said, you funny, funny bastard.
Yeah. You know, we're going to have to pull this off. Yeah. You know, I was reading it. When you're reading it, you go, this is outrageous.
How the hell we get, you know, do you think that Morgan has read every Les Norton book or do you think he read the first couple and was like, yeah, I think I got the gist of this. Look, I think, no, Morgan's a massive Bob fan. And you know, I think, I think what Morgan loves about the books, you know, Bob could laugh at everyone.
Yeah. You could take the piss out of everyone. That's what this day and age is missing. And it's not, you know, it's, it's against the, the, how far we've come as a society, you know, it's more just the fact that, you know, there's, there's barriers and there's limits to things that we all have to appreciate. You know, someone can be someone without offending someone else. There should be a bit of leeway.
So to dance that line and then to obviously be commissioned for the ABC, you're like, okay, this is, I mean, and he danced that line very well. That's what I mean. He's like, this is magic. What the guy did, you know? And it's like, and then you cast the people that he casts.
Well, there's some, there's some interesting stats. Uh, most loaned book at Long Bay jail. Yep. Which is just so funny. Cause you imagine those blokes down there reading the books thinking, this is me. When I get out, I'm going straight to Bondi. I'm going to be rootin' and brawlin' and yadda yadda. Most read in the, uh, defense force. Well, there's, there's 20 books. Right. And then there's two short stories or something.
That was, that was Les's last, I think his last appearance was a Nimbin themed. Well, I mean, it's, it's funny cause it's like, you know, they, I'm not sure if it was that book cause I'm not familiar, you know, with the exact correlations or what was written in. I just know when they put one in. There were some books where he's in there for two pages.
Yeah. I know. But the funny thing is, you know, obviously the places you can go with the story and as an arc, like, you know, I'm not, not from a wanky acting point of view or anything, but it's like as an arc, you've got 20 books to work with and then you've also got storylines, which you can create with people like Morgan and writers rooms. Yeah. So it's, it's not, um, yeah, it's, it's not like there's, there's a lack of, uh, you know, content to draw from or use for it. Might be the next rank. I don't know. Yeah. Could be.
What was it like working with Johnny Spitiri, David Wenham? Honestly, that was, um, it's a spin out cause the first day you mate, like, you know what I watched the other night and I, I completely forgot he was even in it. It was the third Lord of the rings.
Yeah. But he's gone. Yeah. He does, you know, he's very good. He's very good at a neutral fantasy accent. Yeah. 300. He does the same thing. Yeah. This is not an accent. This is just English language. Yeah.
I went to boarding school in Hong Kong.
That's the accent. That's the accent of fantasy.
My mom's from Canada and my father is from Namibia.
But it's like, you know, that's, that's the thing, man. Imagine, imagine having a dude like Wenham come on set and you got Rosniak with you. He's just, you know, it's just honestly the funniest dude ever. And you, and you know, we're sitting there and Wenham's just a professional, man. Like he, you know, he's had a couple of times, but there's one day he would have had 215, 230 lines in a day, 16 minutes of footage to film. And he just did it and he didn't drop a beat. And he even said to Rosniak and I, we're talking about like, have we read the scripts in, you know, a couple of months or whatever. And he's going, yeah. So I read all 10 again on Sunday just to get through that, you know, just to refresh myself of where we'd be for these ones. And we're, I'm kind of going, that's why you're David Wenham.
You're a professional. Yeah. You know, there's a great line of views for him. Yeah. You know, the job done. You, you call Wenham. Yeah. Well, he, you know, he appeared in most recently as well, another series of Rompa Stompa. Yes. Yeah. But he's, he's never stopped working. That's another thing. No.
Some people take sabbaticals. Now what was it like working with rebel?
Cause she's coming off some big steam in LA. Yeah. That doesn't affect her. She's just straight into it. Does she appreciate being in an Australian production? Look, she, she had more fun than she even realized she was going to have. Yeah.
Like with her and I, you know, I won't give too much away cause you know, obviously it's, it's later eight, nine those kinds of apps when you sell this, but we did some outrageous stuff, you know, her and I together and it gets to like, there's, there's one episode, you know, the one when it hits and it's just, it's absurd. When I was reading it on paper, I was like, how's this even going to work? Her coming back from where she's come from and off the back of what she's come from as well, you know, just with, with, you know, with her role, you can't imagine what it's like, you know, to, to walk in someone's shoes or be someone. So when they came on, I was just, you know, I was neutral. It's like, Hey, hi, you know, nice to meet you. I'm here. And she just had an instant kind of connection and a turnaround. And we had a, you know, we had an amazing time and like it was, it was lots of fun.
You know, she'd rock up and she loves the improv. So, you know, a bit of riffing, bit of riffing, bit of riffing as a, yeah, that's the, that's her niche. And that's what she brings to it. It's just different people doing different things, you know, and that's, that's the mix that we have.
Now, just, just lastly, Alex, what's coming up for you? Is there anything in the, I mean, fallout?
Yep. So, look, I've, I've got a couple, I've got a couple of big things in the pipeline, over in the States, but that's just, you know, totally. Yeah.
Gag order. NDA non-disclosure agreement.
But yeah, you know, there's a, there's a couple, there's a couple of really cool things on the horizon, but I mean, the end of the day, super happy, obviously starting fallout next week. A good mate of mine, we've just done, I think how you boys know, Parsonson, you know, the legend himself. It's like, he'll be, he'll be joining me as Hilly and Murphy in Fallout. Yeah. You know, he's a little acting mercenary himself. A lifer from love my way to, he's risen, he's risen the ranks and it's a bit, you know, it's a, it's a brilliant project for that. Oh, beauty.
Well, mate, it's great to see big fellows getting cast again in Australia. I mean, I don't want to say too much, but there's a lot of slender Australian roles that go, that don't go begging. Ryan Core, your smaller Hemsworths. I think you're the, the medium ground. I mean, the cheaper Hemsworths.
No comment.
No, but also, you know, like there's a lot of, there's a lot of, there's a lot of, there's a lot of, there's a lot of, you know, there's a lot of, it's, this has been the first time in a long while since we've seen a big alpha character come out of Australian TV, I guess. Yeah. I mean, Australian TV is really good at doing like the drunken anti-hero. Yeah. There's a lot of them, but there's never just like the straight edge, not that dull, but like just a good look, I know. It's been awhile since we've had the brood on TV. Yeah. And yeah, it is refreshing to play that and I'll say it's refreshing to, to be doing what we're doing, be doing what we're doing but you know yeah like I said man I'm super happy to be here because I know at any stage you can all be over I know at any stage you cannot be working and I mean it's it's not gonna end as quickly as say like the military does when you tear your knee open I'll knock this wood because you know anything can happen but I mean if there's one thing I've learnt it's just be present always be present you know enjoy the moment and enjoy the day come in if not you've got a grime album in you reckon yeah got a grime album yeah get a couple of those all save that one save that one down the track spit a few bars yeah what one forward drop the good one today saw that well thanks for joining us Bertrand it's um it's great it's great to have you boys and we look forward to seeing the rest of the rest of the apps yep we do with there's there's there's just a couple left and you've been I'm just reading now that you have been rating higher than the cricket every night it's been on Wow when it's been on Sunday you know that's a high than the cricket that's pretty good game I that's pretty good yeah yeah I'll take that yeah yeah good yeah well you know he appeared in most recently as well another series of obviously romp a stomp yes that was yeah yeah but he's um he's never stopped working that's another thing no some people take sabbaticals now what was it like working with rebel cuz she's coming off some big steam in LA yeah that doesn't affect her she's just straight into it does she appreciate being in an Australian production look I think she she had more fun than she even realized she was gonna have yeah like with her and I you know I won't give too much away because you know obviously it's it's later eight nine those kind of apps when you sell this but we did some outrageous stuff yeah you know her and I together and it gets like this that there's one episode you know the one when it hits and it's just absurd when I was reading on papers like how's this even gonna work her coming back from where she's come from and off the back of what she's come from as well you know just with with with turmoil the media and self you know her her role you can't imagine what it's like you know to walk in someone's shoes or be someone so when they came on I was just you know I was neutral it's like hey hi you know nice to meet you I'm here and she just had an instant kind of connection and a turnaround and we had an amazing time man like it was it was lots of fun you know she'd rock up and she loves the improv so you know a bit of riffing bit of riffing bit of riffing is yeah you know that's the thing she loved it and she was great at it and she is great at it and that's the that's her niche and that's what she brings to it it's just different people doing different things you know and that's that's the mix that we have now just just lastly Alex what's coming up for you is there anything in the I mean fallout yep so look I've got a couple I've got a couple of big things in the pipeline over in the States but that's just you know totally yeah NDA stands for non-disclosure agreement but yeah you know there's a couple there's a couple really cool things on the horizon but I mean the end of the day super happy obviously starting fallout next week good mate of mine we've just done thing how you boys know Parsonson you know the legend himself it's like he'll be he'll be joining me as Hilly and Murphy right all out yeah you know he's a little acting mercenary himself yeah a lifer from love my way to he's risen the ranks and it's a bit you know it's a it's a really interesting project for that beauty well mate it's great to see big fellas getting cast again I mean I don't want to say too much but there's a lot of slender Australian roles that go the don't go begging Ryan core if you're smaller Hemsworth's I think you're the the cheaper Hemsworth no but also you know like there's a lot of it's this has been the first time in a long while since we've seen a big alpha character come out of Australian TV I guess yeah I mean it's you Australian TV is really good at doing like the drunken antihero yeah there's a lot of them but there's never just like the straight edge not that dull but like just yeah I know it's been a while since we've had the brood on TV yeah and you know it is refreshing to play that and it also is refreshing to be doing what we're doing but yeah yeah like I said man I'm super happy to be here because I know at any stage you can all be over I know at any stage you cannot be working and I mean it's it's not gonna end as quickly as say like the military does when you tear your knee open I'll knock this wood because you know anything can happen but I mean if there's one thing I've learned it's just be present always be present you know enjoy the moment and enjoy the day come in if not you've got a grime album in you I reckon yeah got a grime album yeah get a couple of those all save that one save that one down the track it's been a few bars yeah what one forward drop the good one today yeah well thanks for joining us Bertrand it's um it's great it's good to have you boys and we look forward to seeing the rest of the rest of the apps yep we do with there's there's there's just a couple left and you've been I'm just reading now that you have been rating higher than the cricket every night it's been on well when it's been on Sunday you know that's uh higher than the cricket that's pretty good you know it's pretty good gear yeah yeah I'll take that yeah yeah good year |
cracked | why_next_year_s_best_superhero_movie_might_come_from_russia_cracked_responds | How's it going guys? Great. Oh, hi.
So, uh, Russia made a superhero movie and We're gonna watch the trailer right now. Here we go. I don't know. This is America's thing See how this turns out. There are four superheroes that were created by the Soviet Union back in the Cold War But this isn't based off of like a comic book or anything like that No, this is just we saw the movies you like and we're doing that.
Yeah, these people are our only hope What's the name of the mission? Guardians.
Even a Russian movie has the trope of stern crazy Russian general. Do they know that? There's a movie called Guardians of the Galaxy I feel like it has some really big Russian long Russian name that we're not gonna be Oh, yeah, and some producer was like just they had Guardians. That's a bunch of stuff. They love that.
Yeah, they'll watch that First one is Landman Manipulating. Well, all right. Sorry. His name isn't Landman He is a Landman. According to Wikipedia. He is a Landman He can control rocks so you can make canyons, ravines, and sinkholes Like if you can just throw rocks at someone, that's probably what I would do. Right. That's always your first move Yeah, it's not like create a canyon underneath the robber Got a sword guy.
He's the one who looks like the Winter Soldier He has blades and he apparently is wind like in some way And then there's Water Woman. After that, there is the Wild Man and that is the the the Werebear That is the half bear, half man. Well, how do you think a bear is just a large raccoon, right? Oh, also all four of them represent four different regions in Russia Oh, which is kind of neat. That's like the thought that was put into this cause Arceus you want to know who did this to you? Come with us They're fighting a person who can control robotics or industry. This is almost a Captain Planet gritty reboot So I'm gonna be a fire person, but there's a bear instead.
That's awesome. Rapid military attacks on Moscow continue And it's almost a Fantastic Four thing Like it looks like they just they see every Marvel movie and some DC things that are coming out and they're like Okay, well, let's take five of those and make them one guy and we'll take these four and make them one guy It's like a mixtape of every superhero movie It's got Schwarzenegger movie level tanks helicopters jets missiles There's a big city, but I have no idea what city I'm looking at because it's Russia Oh, no, they destroyed the building which kind of makes it fun because I'm sick of seeing New York get destroyed I always wish these people would make DC's movies set like here's how here's how the DC universe will Work from now on it's also cost five million dollars Wow. Yeah, these people know how to make a goddamn superhero five million dollars Give everything of DC's to these. Wow.
Why not do a crossover? I want to see Superman fight the bear, man I want to see this Bucky fight the other Bucky There are a lot of cables lying around Snapping just it's this cable, which makes sense because if you're dealing with super science, there's gonna be a lot of oh, yeah You're gonna need cables like how many movies they'll be like. Well, New York is a character like cables are a care I Do appreciate that they did the thing that all superhero movies do which is the joke about the cost of the laboratory designed special gear to Increase your performance.
We made you these costumes for helping and the bears like where's my cuz there's mine not requiring the costume You turn into the costume. You are a bear man. You become the costume that you need Well, yeah, possibly put over a bear man.
That would make him more bad, right? Or go full opposite direction Winnie the Pooh's t-shirt.
I'm like I have a lot of questions about the bear man. Well, okay. First of all, he's not he's bear from the torso up I did some research. Apparently he can change any percentage of his body into a bear So just the head the whole thing torso up what I'm wondering is what? Like what is the physiology when he's a torso bear? Does he have a bear brain? Does he want to have sex with other lady bears and then his genitals aren't able to do that? He has the puny human general right that female bears gonna be really disappointed Does he eat bear stuff and have to poop it out as a person later? Yeah, like like elk and garbage and stuff like that. I'm gonna turn This arm into a bear arm suddenly My arm is very heavy because my human body is not used to holding up a bear arm. You're like Popeye It's just like that huge right or like you do the top half and then you're very top-heavy and you're just gonna fall over with Your enormous bear body. I did also research that and according to the Wikipedia He is very strong when he's not a bear as well.
Okay, and that's why he has a question Sign out the production company behind it is called enjoy movies. I'm the way let people know they will enjoy the movies We call the company enjoy movies Everybody thanks for watching. Please like and subscribe at the bottom there.
If you can think of any Team-ups that you'd like with these guys with these superheroes, please put it in the comments What other substances could their friends be made of what are some cool moves they can do together What are some former Soviet republics they can hang out in in addition to Russia? It's a geography test |
SaturdayNightLive | fox_friends_cold_open_supreme_court_confirmation_hearings_snl | And I'm Steve Ducey here on this gorgeous 30-degree spring New York morning. What a hellhole of a city. Brian, how was the weekend? Well, very exciting, Steve.
I got on True Social. Ooh! President Trump's exclusive New social Media platform. yeah, fancy. what's it like? You know, it's funny. I downloaded the app, opened it, and my phone immediately got very, very hot. like, over 140 degrees. Wow, just from the app. yeah, I burned my son, actually. Anyway, True Social, Five stars.
Okay, guys, speaking of truths, all right, crush of the week, Ted Cruz, absolutely wiped the floor with Katonji Brown Jackson last week by waving a children's book at her. So powerful. fatality! I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson, but I am faux The First Amendment.
Yes. All right, here to talk about that And the Supreme Court. Are two friends of ours handling their own little controversy this week, Justice Clarence and Jenny Thomas. All right. Hi, friends. Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas, you were just in the hospital. is that right? that's what they say. Yeah? so what's going on? you feeling okay? I guess we'll see. Yeah, folks were saying you had Covid, but not true, right, Justice T? oh, oh, oh, oh. anything's possible. Justice Thomas, always playing close to the vest. I respect that. Now, Jenny, the left is currently losing their minds over a couple of completely normal texts you sent to your pal Mark Meadows on January 6th. Is that right? it sure is. And now they want the honorable Justice to recuse himself. I mean, you're allowed to speak your mind. Yes, and I don't want any trouble. I take my duty as the Yoko Ono of the Supreme Court very seriously. all I want is a tidal wave of biblical vengeance to wash away the Biden crime family all the way to Gitmo, and then we release the Kraken. Okay, well, that is terrific. Justice Thomas, she doesn't talk to you about this stuff, though, right? some say yes, some say no. Well, Justice T, it's so great to have someone here who isn't afraid to tell us what he really thinks. who? well, you, of course, sir. you crazy, man. All right, great. Well, thank you both so much.
Now, later this afternoon on Fox, it's the Five. let's check in with co-host Judge Jeanine Pirro to see what's in store. Hello, my only friends.
On the Five, Disney has an exciting new project, turning your kindergartner gay. Last week, Governor Desantis signed a bill protecting our precious Florida schools from America's dangerous Ellens and Catlins. by the way, Caitlyn Jenner, welcome to the Fox News Family. now Walt Disney won't stop until all of Disney World is packed with Twinker Bells, cinder fellas, and that gay Mr. Told.
Then Representative Madison Cawthorn. Oh, Madison, you had me at White Supremacy, you lost me at orgy. All that, and Kyle Rittenhouse debuts his new cookbook coming up on the five.
Well, thank you so much, Judge. that sounds terrific as always. you bet. So long. this is exciting. I'm hearing we actually have a surprise on the line. am I correct? uh-oh. is he here? Hello, Mr. President? are you on facetime? if you build it, I will come. Hello, friends, can you see me? Mr. President, Wow, what a treat. thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule. Oh, very busy, Steve, here at Mar-a-lago with the golf and the wedding receptions and getting clumps of bacon with dogs at breakfast bar.
Well, so much to discuss, But I got to ask, sir, did you see the famous Slap? You know, I did see Slap. I enjoyed Slap.
I was very impressed with my Hitch. you know, quite an arm on Hitch. I always knew Hitch had an arm. back in pursuit of happiness, he's lugging the machine on and off the subway.
I thought it was great. you know, they slept in the bathroom in that movie. it's so sad. it's so sad. But it's a sad night for a hitch, too. it's a very sad night. that kind of behavior is not going to help. Kevin James Get a date with Allegra Cole.
I'll tell you that. Absolutely. Amen to that, sir. Now, sir, the January 6th Committee hearing is gearing up to make all sorts of claims. So let's just put this to rest.
Did you commit a coup, Sir? No, no. You know what? there was no coup. it was an event, perhaps a take-back event, a coup, perhaps. But I don't like coup. I just don't like coup. I don't like the p at the end of coup. I think you should take that p and push it. we're pushing p. of course, if you take off p from coup, you have cow, which goes moo, which, you know, perhaps that's where they get coup. But do coup, who do? you do. do what? remind me of the babe. But, yes, in many ways, it was an intentional planned coup, Yes. they're saying there's this seven-hour gap in White House call logs that day.
I mean, you didn't use a burner phone, did you, sir? no, not true. never use burner phone except for perhaps January 6th during that seven-hour coup. I couldn't even tell you what a burner phone looks like. Honestly, I was too busy with phone call and burner phone and coup.
Okay, gotcha. But let's be real, sir. the left wants to paint January 6th as some violent revolution. it wasn't. could've been, should've been, maybe. violent is perhaps good. you know, they used to do violent all the time. you'd line up the opponents. you'd go bing, bing, bing. shoot them dead. So easy. So, so many problems. so many problems, you shoot them dead with a big, fat, beautiful, uncircumcised gun. Now that's what I call a coup.
Hey, by the way, did you hear this? I got a hole in one. did anybody hear that?
Yes, sir. Congrats, Sir, yes.
And please tell us about it. you know, I'd love to, but my phone is getting very, very hot to the touch right here. You've got True Social, sir. Yes, indeed. True Social. the only app with the smell. Well, thank you so much, sir. we'll be right back And. live from New York, it's Saturday night! Very exciting, Steve. I got on True Social. ooh, President Trump's exclusive New social Media platform. yeah, fancy. what's it like? you know, it's funny. I downloaded the app, opened it, and my phone immediately got very, very hot. like, over 140 degrees. Wow, just from the app. yeah, I burned my son, actually. Anyway, True Social, five stars.
Okay, guys, speaking of truths, all right, crush of the week, Ted Cruz, absolutely wiped the floor with Katonji Brown Jackson last week by waving a children's book at her. So powerful. fatality. I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson, but I am faux The First Amendment.
Yes. All right, here to talk about that. And the Supreme Court are two friends of ours handling their own little controversy this week, Justice Clarence and Jenny Thomas. All right. Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas, you were just in the hospital. is that right? that's what they say. Yeah, so what's going on? You feeling okay? I guess we'll see. Yeah, folks were saying you had Covid, but not true, right, Justice T? Oh, oh, oh. anything's possible.
Justice Thomas always playing close to the vest. I respect that. Now, Jenny, the left is currently losing their minds over a couple of completely normal texts you sent to your pal Mark Meadows on January 6th. is that right? It sure is. And now they want the honorable Justice to recuse himself. I mean, you're allowed to speak your mind. Yes, and I don't want any trouble. I take my duty as the Yoko Ono of the Supreme Court very seriously. all I want is a tidal wave of Biblical vengeance to wash away the Biden crime family all the way to Gitmo, And then we release the Kraken. Okay, well, that is terrific. uh-huh, Justice Thomas, she doesn't talk to you about this stuff, though, right? Some say yes, some say no. Well, Justice T, it's so great to have someone here who isn't afraid to tell us what he really thinks.
Who? Well, you, of course, sir. you're crazy, man. All right, great. Well, thank you both so much.
Now, later this afternoon on Fox, it's the Five. let's check in with co-host Judge Jeanine Pirro to see what's in store. Hello, my only friends.
On the Five, Disney has an exciting new project, turning your kindergartner gay. Last week, Governor Desantis signed a bill protecting our precious Florida schools from America's dangerous Ellens and Catlins. by the way, Caitlyn Jenner, welcome to the Fox News Family. Now, Walt Disney won't stop until all of Disney World is packed with twinker bells, cinder fellas, and that gay Mr. Tull.
Then Representative Madison Cawthorn. Oh, Madison, you had me at White supremacy, you lost me at orgy. All that, and Kyle Rittenhouse debuts his new cookbook coming up on the five.
Well, thank you so much, Judge. that sounds terrific as always. you bet. Salute. This is exciting. I'm hearing we actually have a surprise on the line. am I correct? uh-oh. is he here? Hello, Mr. President? are you on facetime? If you build it, I will come. Hello, friends, can you see me? Mr. President, Wow, what a treat. thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule. Oh, very busy, Steve, here at Mar-a-lago with the golf and the wedding receptions and getting clumps of bacon with dogs at breakfast bar. Mm.
Well, so much to discuss, but I got to ask, sir, did you see the famous Slap? You know, I did see Slap. I enjoyed Slap.
I was very impressed with my Hitch. you know, quite an arm on Hitch. I always knew Hitch had an arm. back in pursuit of happiness, he's lugging the machine on and off the subway. I thought it was great. you know, they slept in the bathroom in that movie. it's so sad. it's so sad. But it's a sandite for Hitch, too. It's a very sandite. that kind of behavior is Not going to help.
Kevin James get a date with Allegra Cole, I'll tell you that. Absolutely. Amen to that, sir. Now, sir, the January 6th committee hearing is gearing up to make all sorts of claims.
So let's just put this to rest. did you commit a coup, Sir? No, no. you know what? there was no coup. it was an event, perhaps a take-back event, a coup, perhaps. But I don't like coup. I just don't like coup. I don't like the p at the end of coup. I think you should take that p and push it. we're pushing p. of course, if you take off p from coup, you have cow, which goes moo, which, you know, perhaps that's where they get coup. But do coup, who do? you do. do what? remind me of the babe. But, yes, in many ways, it was an intentional planned coup, Yes.
Okay. but they're saying there's this seven-hour gap in White House call logs that day. I mean, you didn't use a burner phone, did you, sir? no, not true. never use burner phone except for perhaps January 6 during that seven-hour coup. I couldn't even tell you what a burner phone looks like. Honestly, I was too busy with phone call and burner phone and coup.
Okay, gotcha. But let's be real, sir. the left wants to paint January 6 as some violent revolution. it wasn't. could've been, should've been, maybe. violent is perhaps good. you know, they used to do violent all the time. you'd line up the opponents. you'd go bing, bing, bing, shoot them dead. So easy. So, so many problems. so many problems. you shoot them dead with a big, fat, beautiful, uncircumcised gun. Now, that's what I call a coup.
Hey, by the way, did you hear this? I got a hole in one. Did anybody hear that?
Yes, sir. congrats, sir, yes. And please tell us about it. You know, I'd love to, but my phone is getting very, very hot to the touch, right? uh-huh. you've got True Social, sir. Yes, indeed. True Social. the only app with the smell. Well, thank you so much, sir. we'll be right back.
And. live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
cracked | 5_famous_historical_figures_who_were_total_perverts_the_spit_take | Hello the internet and welcome to another episode of the spit take my name is Jack O'Brien I'm the editor-in-chief of cracked and if you could hold a blacklight up to history It would look like this Completely covered in white from the sheer amount of semen and sex juice with that in mind Let's start our list of history's most important sexual perverts with the mildest entry possible if you had to pick a historical figure to Share a bed with for a night and trust not to get handsy Gandhi'd have to be near the top of the list, right? Despite bringing back the loincloth as a pants option Gandhi protected the crown of most pious man of the 20th century like it was the heavyweight championship of the world in his 30s He decided sex was getting in the way of a spiritual development and took a vow of celibacy Which probably came as a little bit of a shock to his wife. Okay, I'll just be over here then good luck For the next 40 years Gandhi rigidly enforced his no sex after marriage rule by asking his female followers to sleep with him Nakedly just to see how his penis would manage the pressure I guess Gandhi also asked his 18 year old grand niece to share his bed after she spent six years caring for his dying wife In case she had doubts about sleeping with uncle D a letter he wrote her reasoned quote We both may be killed by the Muslims and must put our purity to the ultimate test so that we know that we're offering The purest of sacrifices and we should now both start sleeping naked end quote man I can't believe she fell for the old. Let's sleep naked together because the Muslims might kill us Gambit There's a reason Winston Churchill looks like a grumpy toddler dressed as an oil baron for an old-timey calendar in this picture never really took to wearing clothes and would call people into his office while totally naked just all the time few weeks after Pearl Harbor while The fate of the free world hung in the balance Winston Churchill hung dork in front of the US president He was getting out of a bath He'd been taking while meeting with FDR as you do when he accidentally dropped the towel as valet had draped around him and instead Of picking it up. He turned to the president and said as you can see mr. President I have nothing to conceal from you which would be almost impressively witty if he hadn't clearly been planning to show Roosevelt his naked Body since he started that meeting still Churchill comes off as adorable like a little kid making a run for it after bath time Lyndon Johnson had more in common with Anthony Weiner his personal feelings of pride in his own penis leading him to use it Conversationally as an icebreaker because having a last name that's a euphemism for penis is apparently way more psychologically damaging than any of us imagine Even before he was president Johnson was known for violating people's physical space to gauge how they felt about him and while it's impossible to tell whether He had his dick out in any of those pictures he did seem to use his penis to keep people off balance and Intimidate them and presumably shake on a deal when his hands were full one time He reportedly pulled it out in a crowded room and just peed on a nearby aid without breaking eye contact with a person He was talking to the aid just stood there like a tree and took it while everyone else assumed They were having a stroke turns out Albert Einstein had three theories of relativity general relativity special relativity And the one that says he gets to have sex with all his relatives Einstein married a fellow physics student who wasn't blood related had a few kids and never did another normal thing with his dick again when He became famous he decided he was done with this basic human decency bullshit gave his wife a set of rules Which included keep my clothes clean and provide three meals a day. Don't talk to me Don't be around me leave the room if I ask you to and no more sex pretty sure by that point mrs Einstein wasn't putting up an argument on that last one his second marriage was to his double cousin Elsa Einstein No, not second cousin double as in a cousin on his mom's side and on his dad's side Though he almost broke off their engagement to marry her 18 year old daughter instead over the next 20 years He kept his penis busy with over 11 affairs six of which he described in letters to the stepdaughter He almost married that poster of Einstein with his tongue out currently hanging in every science classroom is a little creepy now, isn't it? We've all heard about legends whose first great love was doing something less impressive Never would have gotten Einstein's theory of relativity if his entire family tree would have let him fuck it But perhaps the most disquieting first love belonged to dr Suess after a career drawing propaganda for the US Army that helped make winning World War two something We could all look back on in deep shame Suess set his sights on his true passion bizarre childish doodles of naked women that suggested he'd never seen one of those We may never have gotten green eggs and ham or that book about vacation destinations that never come true Everyone gets at graduation if dr Suess hadn't failed to break into the first thing he tried an illustrated book for adults in which in his words I attempted to draw the sexiest babes I could swear. That's a direct quote unfortunately He'd never seen a naked person before and some of the assumptions that he makes about the naked female form turned out to be Out of touch with reality in some pretty upsetting ways The world wasn't ready for the first fictional creatures to come out of dr Suess mind tried to make up for their off-putting lack of nipples with an overabundance of party hats and farm animals alas it only ever sold 500 copies dr. Suess was forced to admit defeat in the realm of human nudes and create creatures like the Loraxes and things and Oneslers that nobody would notice didn't have nipples and thankfully never Revisited what has to be the saddest picture ever committed to paper by an artist who clearly planned on masturbating to it Hey, it's me Jack I put on a sweater to cover up the fact that I'm a really sweaty dude talking about perverts anyways If you know of other great historical figures who are total perverts Please let us know down in the comment section and we might use them in the sequel coming soon |
dropout | legalize_weed_so_we_can_stop_talking_about_it | Soon, voters in California will have the choice to legalize marijuana in their state. Legalize it. Make it legal. Legalize marijuana. So that we can stop fucking talking about legalizing marijuana. Legalize it so we can stop having this boring conversation. Is there anything worse than hearing someone lecture you about making pot legal?
It's like being trapped in a NowThis video. First of all, it only ever comes up when I'm already smoking with someone. Bro, I agree. I am smoking it. I'm preaching to the high choir. Second of all, it always seems suspiciously like blazing is the only thing that people that go on about this care about.
There's a lot of fucked up laws, guys. It doesn't look great that the only one you want to talk about is the law governing your hobby. And let's be clear. It's a hobby. It's not an identity.
People make their whole thing the fact that they get high. They can only talk about different weed strains or like a recipe for weed butter. Just smoke the pot you like and be done with it. Whether it's an indica day or a sativa day. A weed muffin tin. Weed soap on a rope. A PS4 weed skin. Ugh, does wax or oil burn better in this vape pen? A weed watch. Too much. If I eat a quarter of this brownie now and a quarter of it on the plane, I will be set. There are multiple, multiple weed dating sites.
The Jamaican flag is ruined.
Look, I smoke. I smoke.
Getting high rules. Lots of things rule. Sandwiches rule. A good sandwich with like really good mustard? That rules.
But I don't have people over to my apartment to just eat sandwiches. They just come over. And if we want to eat sandwiches, we do. Nobody needs to talk about sandwiches or make sandwich pants or listen to special music because they have a sandwich. If a person did those things, you'd think, oh, that person is fucking boring. I'm not going to hang out with them while I eat my sandwiches. It doesn't come up though because sandwiches are legal, which means eating a sandwich doesn't automatically make you subversive, so you can't use it as a stand-in for an actual personality.
So America, let's do the same thing for pot. Legalize it. Make pot legal.
And we'll never have to talk about this again. Now is there something we can do about reggae? Reggae is fucking boring. |
dropout | How_Politicians_Sound_When_Explaining_COVID_Rules | And now, a message from the mayor's office. Hello, my fellow citizens. As you know, our city has been ravaged by the effects of the coronavirus, and our administration has put together some simple and clear rules for you all to follow. But it's come to my attention that many of you are still confused. So now, clearly and unambiguously, here are the answers to your questions.
One, will schools not be unopening or shouldn't you prepare for the end of remote learning? Yes. Two, should we avoid enclosed spaces like beaches or parks? Possibly not. Three, is it safe to go to the grocery store and or the hot yoga studio? Yes and or no, but not necessarily in that order. Four, what about mass?
Totally, dude. Totally.
Five, should I try to remain six feet away from people at all times? Unrelatedly, I am currently an astronaut in outer space living alone.
We get this question a lot. No. Answers may be different for non-astronauts.
Six, do I need to disinfect everything I bring in from outside? How do you define need? Does a artist need to paint? Does a child need to laugh or go outside again?
So there, I think I've answered that question with another more thoughtful question. Seven, what are you doing to address the pandemic?
Totally, dude. Totally.
What about bars? I'm glad you asked. Bars aren't not to remain open under no circumstances. So why not go out and enjoy a beer tonight? Because it's prohibited, as I just explained. Until now, that is. As of right now, essential businesses like Irish Pubs and Flume Rides are open for business as long as no one goes to them. In case this isn't clear, can you go to a bar? No. Good for you. Don't go to a bar.
I am proud to announce, with the help of a lot of great work and great team members, libraries are now open for the duration of this sentence. I hope you've enjoyed libraries.
We will be enacting a policy of rent forgiveness, but we will not be enacting rent forgiveness. Many of you have some questions about what that means. I understand.
And here come the graphs! Great graph work, Kendra.
Thank you again. Still confused?
An easy way to see what's going on is to consult the Corona Threat Clock. The Corona Threat Clock shows you the current threat level at any given time.
If it's green, that means you should exercise optimistic caution. But if it's red, you should be cautiously optimistic. As you can see, our current infection level is greeno-red, a dangerously promising level of optiously cosomistic. Under this current level, businesses are maybe not reopened, except for some.
But if we all follow the simple guidelines that I've put together, we can turn the Corona Clock back to redo-green, cost you optimostically optilocious. And wouldn't that be nice? The way forward is clear. This crisis demands coordinated action and universal participation. If we fail, it will be because of you, not the strong, decisive leadership that I have steadfastly considered maybe thinking about possibly starting to provide. Thank you.
No questions. If you have any further questions about these COVID guidelines, do not not call the office during weekday ends from 12 to 12, but instead refer to the website listed above or if on Central Mountain Time below. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life.
I don't even know you. That would be crazy.
It was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry. And that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA.
Hey, to see what's going on is to consult the Corona Threat Clock. The Corona Threat Clock shows you the current threat level at any given time.
If it's green, that means you should exercise optimistic caution. But if it's red, you should be cautiously optimistic. As you can see, our current infection level is green-o-red, a dangerously promising level of optiously cosomistic. Under this current level, businesses are maybe not reopened, except for some.
But if we all follow the simple guidelines that I've put together, we can turn the Corona Clock back to red-o-green, costioptimostically optillocious. Well, wouldn't that be nice? The way forward is clear. This crisis demands coordinated action and universal participation. If we fail, it will be because of you, not the strong, decisive leadership that I have steadfastly considered maybe thinking about possibly starting to provide.
Thank you. No questions. If you have any further questions about these COVID guidelines, do not not call the office during weekday ends from 12 to 12, but instead refer to the website listed above or if on Central Mountain Time below. Hey, gang. Brennan here.
If you dig CollegeHumor and want to support what we do, sign up for Dropout. For the cost of a very big dumpling per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. Chat with us live in the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as Dimension 20.
There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? So sign up for your free trial today, or don't. Do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life.
I don't even know you. That would be crazy.
It was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry, and that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA? |
TheOnion | Child_Development_Experts_Say_Boys_Not_Fully_Mature_Until_Avenging_Father_s_Murder | Despite a long-held consensus pointing to the mid-20s as the final stage of brain maturation, a new study has found that the adolescent brain doesn't fully form until boys have avenged their father's murder. New imaging studies suggest that the frontal cortex goes through extensive changes during the period of training when an adolescent boy prepares himself to track down and kill the man who took his father's life. But it's not until the boy stares deep into the murderer's eyes and then stabs him right in the heart that the two lobes fuse into a fully mature brain. According to Dr. Laurie's findings, the myelin surrounding the teenage nerve synapses develops when boys stake out the home of their father's murderer, put themselves through grueling physical training, and fantasize again and again about how satisfying it will be when he finally makes the bastard who took everything from him beg for his life. Now if they let their father's killer slip through their grasp or if they press the barrel of a gun to the back of his head and then realize they don't have what it takes to pull the trigger, then the amygdala is definitively stunted and they'll have lifelong problems interpreting emotional information. I have noticed such a change in Matt since he took a vow of silence to avenge Scott's murder. He's organized, he has self-control, he can pick off a long-range moving target with almost total accuracy. I just hope when that fateful moment comes, he doesn't bring shame onto this house. |
cracked | the_red_ranger_curse_power_rangers_lived_fast_and_died_young_canonball | RANGERS! Young actors living fast and dying young is nothing new, but something about the tragedies that have befallen the heroes from Angel Grove High School are especially chilling in aggregate. Of the six actors who played the original Rangers, four of them have had their lives remarkably irrevocably jacked up, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Now, I'm starting with the assumption that, yes, something spooky is afoot, so today I'm sitting down to determine empirically which Power Ranger is the most cursed. This is Cannonball. The jury's still out on the efficacy of trigger warnings, but it's worth noting that brief descriptions of, like, most things that usually get a trigger warning follow. The point of this episode isn't to make light of tragedy, but to honor the actors we felt so close to as kids, and kinda throw a side-eye at the ones who really fucking let us down.
Questionable implications of color-coded casting aside, the diversity of the Power Rangers was a huge step forward for representation. They showed little kids everywhere that people of all races and genders can kick ass, get good grades, and have a good relationship with your white male boss. As a girl, an Asian-American, and later the first lesbian superhero featured in a movie, Yellow Ranger Trini Kwan served as a role model for so many kids who didn't relate to the He-Men and the G.I.'s Joe of the 80s.
That's why the death of actress Tui Trang was so jarring. Trang was an incredible athlete and performer. Lots of Trini's canonical abilities are based on the skills Trang brought to the role. It's also said that she used to kung so much fu that she injured herself on set repeatedly.
She tragically died in a car crash in 2001, and the fact that the first X-Ranger to pass away joined the infamous 27 Club certainly kicks this off with some cursed vibes. Let's move on to Tommy Oliver, the Green Ranger. Jason David Frank was probably the heart and soul of this franchise. He signed on for a 14 episode arc as Rita Repulse's evil Power Ranger. I can still remember seeing him play his weird little ocarina dagger and thinking, boy, the Rangers sure are toast this time.
I bet my parents will never get divorced. Frank was so popular, they made him the team leader and kept him around for a whopping 257 episodes. The rest of his life was a bit tumultuous. On one hand, he held the record for most pine boards broken during free fall.
Remember, we got eight. It's no big deal. I'm just going to do as many as I can. I'll be happy with eight.
On the other, he was almost assassinated at a comic con via throwing star by a guy who thought he was literally the Punisher. And in 2022, Frank sadly took his own life at the age of 49. And as devastating as that is, it's made even more tragic in the shadow of the death of Eric Frank. Eric was Jason's real life and canonical brother. Playing Tommy Oliver's mysterious older brother, David Trueheart. Eric Frank had turned his bit part into a popular recurring character, but he died in 2001 at the age of 29 due to some mysterious, unspecified illness.
Now, he wasn't a ranger, but he had ranger blood in him. And I want to honor that with half a curse point. Here's where we get a little pedantic and statistical, but it's my show, so deal with it. Jason David Frank also played the white ranger, the black ranger, and the red ranger at various times. So those 1.5 curse points count there, too. Add to that, Peter Rutter, who portrayed the mystic white ranger and died in 2010 of a brain tumor, and then Maurice Mendoza, who died in 2013, also a bit mysteriously of unspecified causes. Mendoza played Richie, a new kid in town, who was the heir apparent to the white ranger suit. Now, that was a red herring, and Richie never ended up actually becoming a ranger. But I'm going to say he was a junior varsity power ranger and count that for half a point, too. The white ranger currently looks the most cursed with three points, moving on to Billy Cranston, the blue ranger.
Actor David Yost is still alive and well, but the inexcusable absolute dogshit treatment he endured on set awards him one entire curse point. Yost was mercilessly bullied for being gay when he reached his boiling point and walked off set one day. And the reason that I walked off is because I was called one too many times. Instead of stepping in and mediating, producers had the writers give Billy a huge demotion. He languished as the ranger's IT specialist for a while. Then they suddenly gave him a weird aging disease, replacing Yost with a significantly older actor, William Frederick Knight, and then sending him off to some foreign planet forever. Aside from being a quintessentially poochie-y moment, it also feels like one last jab at Yost. The blue ranger left Earth to pursue a relationship with an alien, implying that what, his love is inhuman and that he doesn't belong on his home planet?
I've made a really important decision. I'll miss you all.
Yost also has the rare distinction of having been personally wronged by Bryan Cranston. Cranston has claimed, credibly, that they named Billy Cranston after him.
But he referred to the character as the Fey one. For the record, the blue ranger isn't even canonically gay. On top of Yost's perpetual torment, William Frederick Knight passed away in 2022, clocking in the blue ranger at two curse points. Now, interestingly, Yost very briefly voiced the pink ranger in a body swap episode called Switching Places. Billy? Kimberly? So I award one point to the pink ranger. Finally, we reach the big dog, the red ranger.
Now, these next two stories are by far the most brutal, so I'm going to largely gloss over them. In 2019, actor Pua Megasiva died by suicide, but only after, reportedly, almost murdering his wife. And in 2017, actor Ricardo Medina was convicted of manslaughter for killing his roommate with a huge sword.
The only funny thing to come out of this is a cop on the scene who later said, he didn't want to tell us he was a power ranger. I think he felt that if we knew he was a power ranger, he should know some sort of defensive maneuvers. He doesn't know anything about martial arts, or kung fu, or krab maga, or anything like that. He's an actor. On a somewhat lighter note, the last of the OG power rangers to majorly step in shit is Austin St. John.
In 2022, this govone was indicted on federal charges as part of a scheme to fraudulently collect $3.5 million in PPP loans. Now look, I would love it if this were proven false, but he allegedly kicked up $400K to the masterminds at the top of the scheme. He's still alive, and he allegedly did this to himself.
But seeing the red ranger become the real life equivalent of a putty patroller is such an unbelievable heel turn it merits half a curse point. So looking at the final tallies, it's clear that the red ranger, the original leader of the crew, has endured the most tragedy. And I know this has largely been a bummer, so I'm gonna play you out with a collection of badass moments from the original cast who, as of press time, have not deeply embarrassed the franchise.
I will remember you. Thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. I've been Jesse Eisman. Thanks for watching, and make sure to like and subscribe and get in the comments. |
cracked | the_problem_with_realism_in_modern_video_games_fallout_parody | What time is it? Like three in the afternoon?
We left the Space Monster game on. Fallout! Oh, you better not have saved over my game.
How late were you up last night? Three or four. There were some ignorant dirt farmers just trying to scrape by and it took longer than I expected to strip their house of all valuables. That's still like eleven hours of sleep. Looks like a super power. Not at all. Corbin Fallis here can sleep for 24 hours straight or go 900 hours with no sleep.
Ditto food. Feast, famine.
It's all relatively the same. That seems odd. As long as you provide your game avatar with a steady diet of XP and dispassionate murder, you're good. Is that what the game is about? The man who didn't sleep or eat but also could if he wanted and never pooped no matter what? No. Thank God. Even eating is a hallmark of games. Still? Even though there's daytime and nighttime in every game now? Yeah, but it never really affects the hero physically. Maybe at night there's a couple more zombies or something or you get a slight bonus in the day. No, you're just trying to gloss over the fact that you have a glandular problem that makes you sleep eleven hours at night or during the day or whatever. I am just trying to engage the game world on its own terms. Well, I hate to break it to you, but eating an unlimited amount of fruit and turkey legs is not actually super helpful. Man, do all your gaming references date back to the Pac-Man gauntlet era? Man, at least I'm trying.
You don't name one time and you cook with me and make cooking jokes. Like, really engage with me, you know? And the act of cooking? We could have a whole second series. Just interactions around the apartment?
Yeah. No, I don't want to do that. Alright.
Anyway, you were saying it's more modern? Food is more realistic? More realistic looking, yeah.
If you're talking astronomy, consistent rules seem to be, um, you never starve to death if you don't eat and you can't die from not sleeping. But it is good if you do eat and sleep. And in some games, eating is the main way to stay alive. I can't tell you how many Skyrim giants would have crushed me if I didn't think quick and eat forty-five apples and an egg. And I assume meals still fall out of slain enemies fully cooked.
No, no way.
There's whole complex ingredients and cooking system. Of course, it's a boring pain in the ass, like all cooking.
You know, I put my heart out there and you step on it every time. Yeah. So, most video game protagonists are gifted with the magical ability to just eat fistfuls of raw meat. Ew. Or, they routinely dump all their food in a ditch to make more room in their inventory for weapons, and when you want to heal you just drink a potion or use a stimpack. A what now? Stimpack! In Fallout and lots of sci-fi games. They try to make it a little more realistic, that you can just heal suddenly. So instead of food, they make it an injectable drug. Like see, I'm going to freeze time and take some before I attack this dude again. Haha, I see. So in between two punches, you're just briefly pausing to inject yourself eight times with a large dose of a liquid drug. Unless you want the mutants to win.
It really seems like video games are getting more and more realistic, the boobs, explosions, and headshot parts. You know, all the eating and pooping stuff is so far off it makes the characters into cartoons no matter how realistic the rest of the game is. If aliens ever play The Sims, they're going to think we spew gibberish and constantly start kitchen fires. A Sims reference? Really? You know, I'm trying to bring you into this world and you don't make it easy. What's wrong with The Sims, man?
At least you have to eat and poop, and you can't carry 90 hypodermic needles around while running and firing rocket launchers. Exactly. You can't. Here.
I'm going to burn that toilet indefinitely until I'm healthy again. I gotta go eat and poop. Curse this frail human body! Gonna drink from a f***ing toilet?
Hey, thanks for watching the video. I hope you share this with your friends, and they share it with their friends, and so on and so on, and we get a real virus of a content going. So please subscribe. And then, click the like button if that's there, or your current platform and time period's equivalent of a like button. It's a thumb up, or like a okay, or just the word yes. Click that. And then in the comments, just let us know what you did today. However mundane, I promise you at least a person will be mildly interested. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tracy_morgan_on_romantic_holiday_gift_ideas_snl | Here now, with ideas for romantic holiday gifts, is our own Tracy Morgan. hey, hey, yo, bro. thanks, Tina. you are looking good as always. and we will talk about that at the party. because you make my heartbeat, girl. Oh, ok. all right. So now it's time to buy Christmas presents for your wife. and you don't have to spend a lot of money to show your care. Like, here's one idea. make up like a little coupon book with things that, like, good for one free back rub, you know? I gave that to my wife last year. it had coupons in it, like, a come Home Now card. that means any time, day or night, she could call me wherever I was, and I would leave the strip club immediately and come home right away, or at least within a few hours. I also gave her a coupon for a fancy romantic dinner.
Now, you may ask, do I consider spicy buffalo wings at the Dog Track of Fancy dinner? Yes, I do.
Tracy, you might like it if you actually bought her something from an actual store. Well, Tina, there's always the classics, like a nice pair of isatoni gloves, or a Toni Morrison book, or a bag of weed. that's the gift that keeps on giving. But dudes, if you really want to make Christmas romantic, here's what you do. you go and you find you a nice Victoria's Secret store and find some dirty-looking thongs and slide it under the tree, and then tell me you can't wait to see her in it. because it's all about making her think, And when you two are doing it, that you're actually thinking about her.
Now, we all know you ain't. you're thinking about Toni Braxton, or Jada Pinken, or in my case, the chubby red-headed girl that works in the Nbc store downstairs. You know who you are, girl. you're thick, you're thick, you're Thick. Now, I don't feel bad about saying all this about my wife, because she sure as hell ain't thinking about me.
How do I know?
Because my name ain't Denzel.
Merry Christmas, everyone. Tracy Morgan, everybody. |
dropout | bad_hostage_negotiator_with_rob_corddry | Sami, listen. I understand, okay? But I need some guarantee to let the hostages go.
She's losing it, Chief. What a nightmare!
Let's get SWAT in place. We might need to move in our own. I wouldn't do that just yet. Savi in enrollment.
Whoa. I read your dissertation on criminal psychology at the academy. So you're the one.
We got a tough situation here, Savi. Relax, Chief. He wants to surrender. He just doesn't know it yet. This is Savi in Roman.
Right. Yeah, listen. Playtime's over. This is what's gonna happen. You're gonna let all those hostages go. And then you... What was that noise? Yeah! Playtime is over, punk.
That's why there's no way you're gonna shoot one single hostage.
Hey, while we're here, what was that loud pop?
Oh, they were just fun snaps you bought at a joke store. They were just fun snaps. Relax, everyone. They were just fun snaps.
All right. Let's talk demands. What's wrong? I'm just... I'm giving them some time to think of playing hardball. Savi, you're a friggin' genius. Let me take this one, kid. Oh, sure. Hi.
I'm so sorry about before. I was hard on you and I was wrong.
I admit that. It's just that I have this reputation. Uh... A reputation for not putting up with pathetic pieces of shit like you, you scumbag.
Why is he setting off so many fun snaps? I'm just giving him time to think.
Did you do that already? Uh, you take it, kid. What? Yeah, yeah. You got the gift, kid. What is that?
Ah!
You idiot! You just spilled piping hot coffee right on my dick. And it smells like piss. Savi, what's going on? Now I'm done messing around with you, man.
Oh, you're sending the hostages home. Great, great. Wait, wait, wait, wait. They're already home? Oh, that's such good news.
Oh, and we don't need to come across the street, but if we do, and there's blood all over the place, it's not really blood, it's cranberry juice. You should be more careful, motherfucker.
Everyone's dead, aren't they?
What? Oh! Wait!
Look, he just left the bank, and he's coming over here. I'll get him because I'm an expert marksman. Oh, I was right! He's right here! I'm gonna shoot him!
Gun!
Oh, Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor is here with a medal? There's a parade for me right now? Oh, you want to make me Chief of Police? That's crazy! But we have such an amazing Chief of Police. Mayor, I'm fired, aren't I?
Whoa, I read your dissertation on criminal psychology at the Academy. So you're the one.
We got a tough situation here, Savi. Relax, Chief. He wants to surrender. He just doesn't know it yet. This is Savi and Roman.
Right. Yeah, listen, playtime's over. This is what's gonna happen, you're gonna let all those hostages go, and then you... Is that noise? Yeah, playtime is over, punk.
That's why there's no way you're gonna shoot one single hostage.
Hey, while we're here, what was that loud pop?
Oh, they were just fun snaps you bought at a joke store. They were just fun snaps. Relax, everyone. They were just fun snaps.
Alright, let's talk demands. What's wrong? I'm just giving them some time to think of playing hardball.
Savi, you're a freaking genius. Let me take this one, kid. Oh, sure.
Hi, I'm so sorry about before. I was hard on you, and I was wrong.
I admit that. It's just that I have this reputation. Ah. A reputation for not putting up with pathetic pieces of shit like you, you scumbag.
Why is he setting off so many fun snaps? I'm just giving him time to think.
Did you do that already? You take it, kid. What? Yeah, yeah, you got the gift, kid. What is that?
Ah!
You idiot! You just spilled piping hot coffee right on my dick. And it smells like piss. Savi, what's going on? Now I'm done messing around with you, man.
Oh, you're sending the hostages home. Great, great. Wait, wait, wait, wait. They're already home? Oh, that's such good news.
Oh, and we don't need to come across the street. But if we do, and there's blood all over the place, it's not really blood, it's cranberry juice. You should be more careful, motherfucker.
Everyone's dead, aren't they? What? Oh, wait.
Look, he just left the bank. And he's coming over here. I'll get him because I'm an expert marksman. Oh, I was right. He's right here.
I'm gonna shoot him! Gun!
Oh, Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor is here with a medal? There's a parade for me right now? Oh, you want to make me Chief of Police? That's crazy. But we have such an amazing Chief of Police. Mayor, I'm fired, aren't I? |
dropout | the_skinny_bitch_diet_menu_hot_date | It's like I wanna order the Double Loaded Gut Bomb Chili Cheese Fry Nachos, but... We have a pool party to go to after this. I guess we could always order from the diet menu. Beyonce doesn't say that. If he liked it, he should have put a platter of grilled onion rings on it. This is degrading. A glam burger on a tight bun with a side of thighs?
Jesus. How are you supposed to say any of this out loud to another human being? Gang. Are we ready? Yes. I will have the...
Which one? This one. I don't have my glasses. Oh, okay. Of course you do. The...
Saucy Bossy Chicken Slenders. On a blam which or as a flantray? A flantray. It doesn't sound like you want it. Excuse me? If you want a flantray, you have to flaunt it. I am the boss bitch and I demand my slenders as a flantray with the fit into my little black dressing on the side.
Sorry, not sorry. For you? I'll just have a burger. What? No. Did you hear what just came out of my mouth? No, no, no. I'm in order from the pitch menu. Okay, I will have the glam burger then. What kind of cheese? It would be the...
Man, I feel like a womanchego. What was that? Man, I feel like a womanchego. Oh, sing it for me. What? Sing it for me. You little slut. Man, I feel like a womanchego. Yeah.
I don't want to. You have to tell me. I have to tell the chef.
Medium-fierce. What kind of bun? Halibrid. What kind of bun? I want it on Halibrid, girl!
Do you know why you're crying?
Because you're a fat boy, not a fit boy. You're going to be a fit boy, don't you? Say it to me. You don't want to be a fit boy, sir. Shake your fat boy tits for me, baby.
Shut up. I'll get you guys some water. What's up, the world?
From award holders Murph and Emily comes a new web series called Hot Date. That's right. It's going to be coming to you weekly. And if we play our cards right, maybe we'll actually win one of these. Yes.
These are other people's. But we're holding them, so who's the real winner?
Here, what just came out of my mouth. No, no, no. I want to see a man in order from the pitch menu. Okay, I will have the glam burger then. What kind of cheese? It would be the man I feel like a womanchego. What was that? Man I feel like a womanchego. Oh, sing it for me. What? Sing it for me, you little slut. Man, I feel like a womanchego.
I don't want to. You have to tell me. Medium fears.
What kind of bun? Halibrid. What kind of bun? I want it on halibrid, girl.
Do you know why you're crying?
Because you're a fat boy, not a fit boy. You're going to be a fit boy, don't you? Say it to me. You're going to want to be a fit boy, sir. Shake your fat boy tits for me. Shut up. I'll get you guys some water.
What's up the world? From award holders Murph and Emily comes a new web series called Hot Date. That's right, it's going to be coming to you weekly, and if we play our cards right, maybe we'll actually win one of these.
Yes, these are other peoples. These are other peoples. But we're holding them, so who's the real winner? |
cracked | 4_disney_movie_villains_who_were_right_all_along_after_hours | Think about Jafar. Brilliant strategist, but he has to obey that befuddled meatball of a sultan with all of his power. And the sultan's hands are so...tiny.
Oh, much like Michael, it just doesn't hold water. F*** off.
Oh, they're a good one. Things weren't bad under the sultan. Life was fine.
Jafar never wanted to make anything better. He only wanted power. And to turn into a giant snake monster.
If you know what I'm sayin'... I don't. What about Ursula? Did you know that in the first draft of the Little Mermaid... I did not.
In the first draft of the Little Mermaid, King Triton and Ursula were brother and sisters. But King Triton didn't like Ursula, so he annexed the whole ocean and then just banished Ursula to, like, undersea caves with all of the eels and, like, the grabber things.
So they were siblings. What on earth could their parents have been? Santa Claus and a fishtopuss? Haven't you ever wondered why they're the only two undersea creatures that actually have magical powers? I did!
But Disney cut that for time and said handsome, white King Triton is good, and ugly, vaguely ethnic Ursula is bad. Well, in fairness to racism, you've been saying that a lot lately. Ursula is bad. Vaguely, ethnic perhaps, but definitely evil.
You just can't handle her realness. Katie, I am the realest guy on the planet. Yeah, okay, let's just take a look at managerial styles here for a second.
King Triton demands that his children never question his bidding, and he destroys their stuff if they sass him. But then Ursula, she takes poor, unfortunate souls and she helps them fulfill their heart's desires. But at a price. So sad, but true. See, that is the realness, right? Ursula dishes out hard truths. Nice things come at a cost. Sacrifice is an important part of life.
That is a much more useful lesson than Triton's, like, obey me and throw lavish parties for my fish friends. But she cheated. After she made that deal with Ariel, Ursula entranced Eric, ensuring that Ariel could never win. Her lesson was all good things come at a cost, and sacrifice is important. And also, magic, sometimes my magic, because I'm objectively evil and I cheat. Yeah, she did try to kill the world with that giant whirlpool.
So, withdrawn. It's Scar. Ah, no way! He's got the big, kittiest face cut. Whatever you call him. That means he's evil.
Think about the circle of life speech that he does. As king, we must respect all animals from the ant, to the antelope. And Sim was like, but don't we eat the antelope? When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. Yeah, circle of life. We are all our eats and poops. Not a lot of animals between ant and antelope. Except the hyenas. Mufasa banished them to die in the elephant graveyard for no clear reason. We're all connected, Simba.
Except those guys. F*** those guys. I hate those guys. Get out of here, guys.
Boo hyenas. Hyenas in land. I'm pride, rock pride, rock land on hyenas.
We don't know. I mean, they could have committed some crime. Oh, s***, now I sound racist. I don't hear it. What crime could be so hyenas that it gets an entire species banished to starve to death among the bones of monsters? When Scar recruits them, he doesn't promise them power or wealth.
Just food. Just the ability to live. That's it.
Your king would have you all starved to death. Let's see if we can go another way on that. No, but he failed. Under Scar's rule, everyone starves. Therefore, he was wrong. It doesn't mean he's bad, technically. His intention was to feed his starving supporters. Is that why he murdered his brother? And what may be the saddest thing that I have ever seen? I'm saying, we have one racist king who would let an entire species die, and another guy whose only campaign promise is, stick with me and you'll never go hungry again.
Who do you vote for? Oh, me? Well, I've seen the movie, but I still don't vote for Scar. You don't vote for Kings, Daniel. And if I were king, I would vote for Gaston from the Beauty and the Beast, because Gastonesty is the beast policy.
I was thinking that the whole time that I wasn't talking.
More like, Gasp-ston? Gastonishing. Keep it going. Oh, it's my turn now. Oh, exciting. Okay, um, Gastation. Nope. Uh, well, more like.
Well, no, the Beast is clearly the good guy, at least by the end, anyway. Gaston is one of the least developed Disney villains. He's just a jock jerk. Cocky, sure, but you kinda want that in your protagonist. I mean, it's the healthy amount of arrogance that separates heroes from Daniel. Gaston is not the brightest guy in the world, but that's no crime. Gastropust. Gaston is just trying to have sex with Belle.
Exactly. Thank you, Daniel. A noble cause if ever there was one. And remember, he's like the closest thing to her friend in the town.
Everybody else thinks she's weird. She doesn't fit in and she's always reading.
Gaston is she's all that-ing her. But selfishly, he's only nice to her because he wants her to like him. Same as the Beast? He wants her to break a spell. So Gaston is saying, I think you're pretty, let's hang out. And the Beast is saying, you have to love me in a few weeks or I will be doomed by witch magic. Wait, doesn't Gaston threaten to put Belle's father in an insane asylum? Yeah, but Belle's father is insane. From Gaston's point of view, okay, there's this shy girl and he's like, no, you guys, leave her alone. I'm the quarterback of this town and I command it. He's especially good at expectorating. And then she disappears and when she comes back, she and her crazy dad are jabbering about a beast and talking furniture. She says she's in love with the Beast, right? Okay, maybe, but maybe she's gone nuts. Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome. Gaston doesn't know. He just knows that a monster kidnapped her and held her in his castle.
So he goes Mario on that because that's what you do when you're handsome in a fairy tale. You murder monsters and you save pretty ladies. Nine out of ten movies, Gaston would be the hero. I guess he did act pretty justifiably from his perspective. The point of Beauty and the Beast just because Gaston is handsome doesn't mean he's the good guy. Beauty is only skin deep. I mean, that is why the movie is so good.
What? I didn't learn that.
He's got the big kittiest face cut. That means he's evil.
I didn't learn shit, Katie. I didn't learn shit.
Jesus, Michael. It didn't even get your food wet. It's really impressive.
Roll sound, movie, roll camera, and action. Hi, guys. Thank you for watching After Hours and please subscribe to Crack's YouTube channel and make sure to watch our other videos. Michael's just going to sit here like a creeper and just smile at you as a way to urge you to subscribe. I know it seems counterintuitive, but please do it because we really appreciate it. |
dropout | turtle_race_episode_4 | Welcome back to the 2010 National Elementary School of Turtle Racing Finals. I'm Claude Barker. With me, as always, is Jerome Bettis.
Jerome, who is your money on today? I don't know. The dude with the zits. Olivia? Yeah, you got it. Well, you know, it's interesting that you say that, Jerome, because Olivia appears to have a definite game plan.
If you take a look at her turtle's movement over the last five minutes, you'll see that it's moving forward. What else would the turtle do?
Holy moly indeed! Now, before we take you back to the action, we have a special segment from our sideline reporter, Winston Maddox. Thanks, Claude. I felt that these kids could use some pointers from a veteran, so I spent some time with them before today's event. Well, great. Let's take a look. We started off the day in my backyard. Okay, kids. When you release your turtle, you must keep a firm grip with both hands. Oh, look at that.
For me, raising tomatoes is a hobby. For the rabbits, it's supper. And I never get invited.
Next, we worked on strategy. Hey, kid. I see by your tomato plant and that you're left-handed. Well, enjoy your time here, because you're definitely going to go to hell. Our next drill focused on speed. Mmm. We don't play black keys. Then we worked on strategy. Yes, sir. Straight to hell. Then we worked on strategy. Finally, I taught them some lessons about sportsmanship.
You're always in my heart, Patricia. That was disturbing. The kids missed two days of school for that? Thanks for having me.
All right. Well, the race is heating up, and we've got to take a short break. And we'll be back right after these messages. Dead Turtle, you need a turtle coffin. |
dropout | why_net_neutrality_matters_and_what_you_can_do_to_help_adam_ruins_everything | I'm taking you down, Darth Vader. Bruce, I am your father. Hi, I'm Adam. And I'm Emily.
We make funny videos on the internet. But soon, we might not be able to. That's because net neutrality is in jeopardy. Net neutrality is the principle that says that ISPs, you know, these assholes, can't discriminate between different types of traffic.
That means that whether you're a bedroom music producer, a couple with an amateur porn site, or just someone with a great start-up idea... It's like Dropbox for your food. Great idea. Hope it works out.
You get access to the same users as Netflix, Facebook, and Amazon. On the internet, anyone can succeed. But America's ISPs want to set up a pay-for-play system. Where rich companies pay extra to get to those users first.
Right. Puff it up. I didn't really bring my wallet. Back of the line. Let's go.
If this happens, instead of the wonderful playground of innovation it is now, the internet will become like cable TV, where you can only get stuff that's been pre-approved by a bunch of old rich guys. Oh, love what you're all doing. Ew. I'm also going to need you to lose the women and the ethnics. Maybe consider getting a sexier cat in here, huh? And you know what? Let's have Shia LaBeouf host a podcast, he would look great in headphones.
Ten years from now, your internet bill could be a bigger fuster-cluck than your cable bill. Our basic package starts at $49.95. Our premium package, that includes YouTube is $69.95, and if you want Wikipedia, that's $10 more a month. I just want to tweet about what the government's doing to my people. Then you want our revolutionary package, which is just $19.95. Then after three months it'll be $29.95.
Now you might be thinking, hey, isn't the government supposed to protect me from flagrant douche-holery like this? Did you think that's enough?
Unfortunately, the former chairman of the FCC, you know, the government agency that's supposed to protect you? I'll protect you. Is now the cable industry's head lobbyist. You caught us in bed together. And another former cable industry lobbyist is now the current head of the FCC. I'll protect you. So we can't trust the FCC to make the right decision on their own. That's why we need to protect the internet we love.
The chaotic, awesome, often quite weird, place where literally everyone's voice can be heard. Everyone's. Just try and shut them up. Let's be honest, the free, open internet is the greatest thing humanity has ever created. Ever, right? Yeah! But in a few months, the FCC will approve this festering sore of a proposal, unless we speak up. The internet is one of the few places where human voices speak louder than money. So while that's still the case, let's use those voices. Go to DearFCC.org and tell them to protect net neutrality.
Do it. Do it now. We'll wait. While you do, Chris here is going to play Drunk in Love on the theremin. Done? |
dropout | bill_nye_as_a_david_bowie_song | What makes a planet a planet Without gravity there'd be no Earth It's a big gravitational party The next secret of the universe You figure out that you can't figure it all out I don't know what a group of squid is called I've spent some time with eagles and hostages Planets and stars are like a big round ball You and I are made almost entirely Of exploded ancient stars So you and I are made of stardust What if we discovered another alien civilization? Wouldn't there be colonization? You and I are descendants of bushes Oh, what a time to be alive, man If we find some ancient microbes still alive And some icy layer under the Martian sand This would be real alien life I would go to space like that I applied to be an astronaut four times Is reality real or is reality not real? A giant interplanetary ping pong game Are we aware that we are aware? What is the nature of consciousness? Avocados and cranes and electrons are moving From atom to atom on the electric internet Computer machine Monkeys and us have a common ancestor We did not descend from monkeys This is not rocket century You and I are made almost entirely Of exploded ancient stars So you and I are made of stardust What if we discovered another alien civilization? Wouldn't there be colonization? You and I are descendants of bushes It's an optical illusion We are all living on a big farm for all that's part of the game that we cannot sense Hey, I'm Nick Lutsco.
If you enjoyed that song, why don't you check out Dropout? I write a lot of music using celebrities' words without their permission But it's totally legal, so don't feel bad supporting it. Dropout. Do it. The college's racist if we try to make them leave But Democrats have a solution Smoke more weed |
dropout | startup_guys_save_collegehumor | Sam, the website's in trouble. Oh no, that doesn't sound good. Oh no, it is good. Oh really?
Well, that we haven't gone under yet. I had no choice but to bring in some consultants to help us get through this.
Hey, Sam Boone! Come on! Hey! Sam Boone!
Paul, you gotta be kidding me. These guys have no idea what they're doing.
Sam, these guys were voted most ambitious in rural media weekly. What the hell is rural media weekly?
Sorry, Sam Boone. Don't mean to cut you off. Just want to introduce you guys to my son, Curtis. No idea. You had a son. Don't worry about it. Totally illegitimate. Met his mother in the bathroom of a Cipriano Westchester. Not Cipriano. Hey, how's it going, guys?
Aren't you adorable, Sam? Isn't he adorable?
Frankly, I am appalled. You guys are in no position to raise a kid. You're a terrible influence. Ain't no thanks, Sam Boone.
I'm actually 18. Some blame my stunted growth and lifetime supply of liquid dynamite. My dad scored me from his first media gig. That's right. I blame Don. Just drink up so you can be big and strong just like your old man when this conversation is reminding me. Tell your mother to make sure I'm still under her health insurance policy.
Hunter and Brody just started an exciting new company that can really help us out. It's perfect for us.
Consultants with a Z. That's right. Consultants spelled with an S with the added words with a Z for clarity. Consultantswithaz.com spelled out.
Idiotic. Clever. Basically what we do is we provide rinky-dink little companies like this one with a thorough media therapy valuation. Right? If using fresh creative into the digital infrastructure. Really fresh. I love that. Chris, what's our motto again? Look at that.
He wrote it out in his shitty little handwriting. Actually, my dad wrote it. I wrote it.
Consultants with a Z. Infusing fresh ideas into new businesses in the world of crazy business with a Z spelled with a Z. It's a genius. What's our next move? The move is obvious. All right? Obligatory and obvious. Boom. Right there. That's your answer. Make money. What does that mean? Those are just words. All their frauds. Another idea, Sam, before you shoot it down. Wow. Okay? You got another huge idea, Curtis. Go ahead and pinch like your daddy taught you. All right.
Don't be afraid of these big, scary old fat dudes. Don't be afraid of the fat.
I got this. He's got it.
Go ahead. Well, I have this one idea. It's like, well, you know how there's Batman. Yeah? Well, my idea is, get ready. Get ready. Batman. That's right. A Jamaican Batman. Uh-oh. Red box called. Get ready. Drum roll, please. Brrr.
We'll take it. Excellent. Redness. Ah!
No!
I am out! I'm out of this! I am out of this business! I am out!
Why so serious? Okay. Where be on the other drug score? It's the basement. Why do you have to go be so serious? Oh. |
TheOnion | Small_Business_Still_Manages_To_Mistreat_Workers_Like_Large_Corporate_Chain | Gilman's Hardware is a local business with a very special story. Although small and family owned, the storefront operation has managed to consistently exploit and debase its workers just as if they were members of a giant multinational corporation. From the moment I started this store six years ago, I wanted to make sure that every employee here at Gilman's felt like they were nothing more than a cog in a giant machine. Just as if they had worked at one of our larger corporate competitors. Ken Blaker said that despite having only 10 employees and a single location, he's managed to implement a number of unique policies to significantly reduce employee morale, including forbidding sales clerks to sit down during lengthy shifts, reducing their number of days with paid time off, and insisting on humiliating pat-downs during lunch breaks to ensure they never felt like trusted or valued employees. Other small businesses might have given me benefits or, you know, let me take a day off. Anybody here at Gilman's does their best to treat you like you're a totally replaceable tool for generating profit. Could you mop up the entryway after we close? Thanks. Gilman's Hardware management confirmed that there was absolutely no possibility of this employee receiving overtime for his additional work. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_dawg_food_snl | Yo, you guys want to order food? you know what, dude? I'm actually, uh. I'm actually okay. I'm doing this meal service thing. Oh, cool. uh, hello, fresh? no, that one was a little tough. I'm on this new one that's, like, pretty simple. like, you don't have to cook at all. really? yeah. what's it called? it's, uh, dog food. like, dog food? Yeah, man. for them dogs who don't want to cook, grab your bowl, order your dog food, and then, Bam, you got lunch.
Oh, my God. What? Mart, are you hearing this? you're also doing it? My new meal prep service. you guys are just eating dog food? it's all we eat. yeah. sometimes I order a salad, but when I'm being bad. oh, come on, you. does it taste good? no. not really. it's dog food, man. guys, you can't be eating dog food. it's not dog food. it's dog food, which is dog food, But the dog food bag says it's okay. listen to yourselves. you guys have bowls with your names on them. mine was a gift from my girlfriend. she's okay with this. No, she hates it, dude. Oh, my God. so now we can't eat stuff just because an animal also eats it? like, if a pigeon bites my halal food, I just have to, what, throw the whole thing away? Yes! Oh, my God.
I guess we just grew up different. Let me see that. No, dude, what are you.
Bat dog! Bat!
I'm so sorry. Bill! whose dog is that? he's just here for dinner. I can't believe this. What is this little lash-out, man? Is this because we hooked up and I never called you? we didn't hook up.
Oh, you know what? that was a dream that I had. if this is too gross for you, I'll just switch to wet. Don't eat wet dog food. it's just wet dog food. I'm putting ketchup on it. Get That out of here. I'm being rude. Ben? Oh, my God, Dude. no. Dude, don't. |
dropout | Brennan_vs_The_Hobbit_Um_Actually | Between the Shire and the Lonely Mountain, Bilbo and his 13 dwarf companions find at least some members of their party captured by trolls, goblins, spiders, and elves. Despite their almost constant state of captivity, they conclude their journey relatively unscathed.
The only casualty is Thorin, who dies in the Battle of Five Armies. Yes, Brennan? Um, actually, they are not relatively unscathed. One of them's fucking dead. Well, I go on to say that Thorin relatively- Um, actually, they are not unscathed. I would say, when Thorin dies, he's pretty scathed.
He knew his choice. He knew what was going on. Yeah. That was a personal choice. He was like, you know what?
Someone gonna have to die. I will take that bullet. And by bullet, I mean arrow. Uh, Siobhan?
Um, actually, they are not- Nobody is captured by a goblin. They fight goblins, but they're not captured by them. They are captured before they fight. They get sort of like dragged on in there. And yeah, yeah. Um, actually, they're never captured by elves. They are captured by elves, too.
Yeah, yeah, Brennan. Um, actually, this, I don't know if this is what you're going for, but, um, actually, Thorin does not die during the Battle of Five Armies. He dies after the Battle of Five.
Now, that's true, and if I don't get a point, I'm gonna fucking lose it, and that's a promise, and a guarantee. Do not give him the point. I want to see this play out. I noticed what assault tags on these would be a real bummer if they all got fucking smashed. Don't do that. I'm going to give you a point because it's technically true, and no one else seems to be landing on what I'm going for here, but I don't want any more of these shenanigans, any more of these very- Shenanigans, accuracy, referred to as shenanigans on the Being Right About Stuff show.
Yes, Siobhan, you've got something to say? Um, actually, is it like one of like Killi or one of the twins? Does one of them die? There's two dwarves, and one of them also dies, but they care more about Thorin because he's the king?
Brennan, I'm going to take your point, and I'm going to give it to Siobhan, only because she was so, if she had not said Fili or Killi. I'm going to be clear, I'm glad. Siobhan deserves that point. Right. You take my point away, choice.
Fili and Killi both also die. Oh, they both die. They both die in the Battle of the Five Armors, and they're given the shortest shrift in the world.
The only reason that I remember it is because in the terrible movies, Killi is hot and has a romance with an elf, and then they do play his death because of that. Like super dramatically? They were like, wow, nobody fucks in the whole of the Tolkien canon. What if somebody did? I do remember that they chose to make one of the dwarves hot. I didn't remember that it was Killi. It's unnecessarily hot.
It's crazy too, because like all the other dwarves are like, I've got a big bulbous alcoholic nose and like warts coming out of my head and just like the scarves fully around my face. And then like one like Abercrombie model's like, I'm a dwarf too. But he's also still a dwarf. He's like four foot. And then he's like having this big romantic moment with this six foot tall, 800 year old woman. |
TheOnion | Horrific_Wall_Street_Allegations_Reveal_Junior_Bankers_Forced_To_Survive_On_6_800_Per_Week | Japan grants suffrage to female robots, Obama announces he hasn't ruled out taking military action on Congress, and a hypochondriac maple tree is always convinced it has Asian Longhorn beetles. The following two statements are true. The previous statement is false, and this is the Onion Week in Review.
This week, Americans nationwide were stunned to hear horrific allegations on Wall Street revealing that numerous junior bankers have been forced to survive on a mere $6,800 per week. The findings, which implicate numerous high-profile financial institutions such as Bank of America, Morgan Stanley, and Citibank, suggest that hundreds of first-year bankers are constantly deprived of basic necessities, including penthouse apartments overlooking Central Park and regular company-financed vacations to the French Riviera. Many of these bankers are 23 or 24 years old and don't even have access to an expense account of over $50,000 a year. Not only that, but some of them are making as little as 20 times minimum wage.
I mean, this is truly disgraceful. In a move that puzzled patrons of the global fast food chain, McDonald's launched an extensive ad campaign this week entitled, And yet is not beef itself an expression of want and lust to air at prime time on several networks. Sources confirm that the lengthy advertisement, which makes scant reference to any products or promotions, posits to viewers that perhaps beef is merely a symbolic expression of lust in its most wanton and depraved form. After exchanging several texts with local woman Haley Mueller, area man Peter Summers told reporters this week that he remained confused by her ambiguous text messages telling him she's not interested in dating him. Saying that none of the exchanges featured the sort of cut and dried yes or no response he desired, Summers reported he was slowly becoming frustrated with the relationship's ambiguity. I mean, it's really confusing, you know?
One minute she's like, um, I don't want to go out with you. Uh, then she says, I don't want to date you. And then she'll mention how she has to go hang out with her boyfriend?
I mean, what am I supposed to do with that? And in this week's op-ed pages, Woody Allen acknowledges that he's put you in a pretty tough spot. In other news, a spaced out flower child is groovin' on a doobie wave, a new study reveals nothing Pfizer's lawyers can't take care of, and the parents of an adorable child on a TV show are most likely insane. Thus ends nature's majestic cycle of weekly news reviews, only to gracefully begin itself anew in exactly one week's time. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | tmz_2 | Guys, what do we got? I saw tech in a food court in the mall on Thursday. That's it? He's eating nachos! That's what I'm talking about!
Don't tell me. Alan Thicke was at it again? Do you have to ask? I caught the growing pains man on his back porch feeding his bermilla cat with a jumbo and I mean a jumbo bag of cat food. Hey, you. Did somebody in my trash can? You need any help? I think you're bleeding. Did he put it away? I didn't find out. Okay, you're never going to believe what I saw at my local bodega. Try me.
The guy who played Riker on Star Trek, The Next Generation. Oh my fuck! That's not him. Okay, but it looks like him though.
Yeah. Did she buy milk? You fucking know it. Guess who we got shaking a pebble out of her shoe on Santa Monica.
I'm not going to guess. I don't play those games.
Allison Hannigan. So this is like a meter maid with the same name but spelled differently. Allison Hannigan. She has a show on TV.
Not in reruns or anything. No problem. No go on Hannigan you guys. TMZ Ridge needs a filler for the closing credits.
Yeah. That one stings. We're going to dust ourselves off and we're going to go out and get the juicy. Who's got the juicy? Okay, I had to use my telephoto. But I got the gaffer from 27 dresses. One thing I'm not seeing. His face. Is this the gaffer for 27 dresses or 27 movies I never heard of? Guys, shut up. subset and find. Taylor Lautner's orthodontist. Assistant. Oh my god.
Yes. Yeah. |
cracked | hacking_the_digg_algorithm | do stuff and, you know, hang out and be caught up. Michael, you got a second? Hold on, one hour. Oh, I'm sorry, were you writing something?
Yeah. Really? Yeah.
About bullets. Are you sure it's about bullets? Are you sure you're not?
Dammit. You killed my article.
Well, the Chief wants us to work on this. Yes. The Chief, I heard that guy drinks tiger blood milkshakes for breakfast. Milkshakes, damn, for breakfast. Right. Well, he wants us to work on this program.
Hey, Mike, I heard someone left a big bowl of candy in the conference room. Get away from it, you vultures, it's mine. Oh, I see. The candy's on the inside. No, no, no, no, there's no candy in there.
I just, I tricked you. So this is what it feels like. Ow.
It's a computer program that perfectly imitates the Digg algorithm. All you have to do is pitch it a bunch of article titles and it tells you what will get the most Diggs. Now, the Chief wants ten surefire article ideas by the end of the day, and I am not unlocking that door until we get them. Questions? Digg? You wrote a sketch of a Digg as a character. How are you not getting this? Look, Dan, I know you're from the East Coast where everyone rides around on algorithms and gets married in a grain silo, but out here, if we want to dig something, we grab a shovel and we hire some immigrants. You know, give me that shovel. No, I'm talking about Digg with two Gs.
Yeah, so am I. The first one's under the second D. Second? Under.
Digg.com is an organizational website. Anyone can submit an article to Digg and anyone else can vote on it if they like it or don't like it. Now, if enough people like it, it gets to the front page of Digg for the whole internet to see. We want our articles on Digg so they get maximum exposure.
The more exposure, the more traffic. The more traffic. The more candy on Digg.
There's no candy on it. Because it's in the computer. It's not in the computer.
I promise you that. But there is a big pile of candy right outside, and I will help you get to it if you help me with this assignment, okay? How do I know I can trust you? You don't. You probably can.
What's a kind of candy? Any kind? I don't know.
I'm enjoying it. All right. Checks out. You got yourself a deal, partner. Great. Let's see what this thing can do. Doug. Oating input.
Witch! Witch ate Digg.
Technology is not a witch. The Brita filter is not a witch. My GPS is not a witch.
This is a computer program. You just say, Doug, the title of the article, and it tells you how many Diggs it's going to get. Yeah.
Just like a witch. Nothing like a witch.
Okay. Doug, six things you didn't know could give you an STD. Analyzing 445 Diggs. Doug, do you renounce Satan in all his ways? Analyzing 12 Diggs. Doug, Christian Bale shops for a Zune, assume middling photo shops, one news he's referencing, and release it on a Monday. Analyzing with variables 680 Diggs. What's not bad? 680. I've heard way bigger numbers than that. Name one. My turn. I'm going to make your 680 look like a totally unrelated, way less impressive number. You got so many choices. Douglas, Alan Rickman buys a smoothie in the mall. Assume a strange hat and some exciting facial hair. Analyzing with variables 600 Diggs.
It's less, damn it. This is stupid. You're a stupid robot. It's not a robot, and it's not stupid.
You're just not very good at it. A failure. A damn-sized failure. Ouch.
My professors at Harvard were right. I'm just not cut out for internet comedy. I guess it's time to break out the old gavel again. It's just, there's a lot to digest in that. The Honorable Judge Failure. Pathetic. Consider this my two week's notice. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're not a failure, and you're not pathetic.
You just need some practice. Think of it like one of your video games. You try to get the high score, and you keep trying until you do.
Then put some coffee on, partner. It's going to be a long night. It's day, and the only thing I've ever seen you drink is chocolate milk and vodka, so... Yeah, I call it coffee, because it makes me coffee.
And you want it on? It's better warm. Okay, fine. I'll do that, but just so, you know, coffee's already a thing. You didn't invent that.
I think we'll let history decide. History decided. It's not yours. And I think we'll let herstory decide.
Nope. Alright, Doug. Let's talk about that candy of yours. Analyzing. Wow. Chocolate milk and vodka, huh? Uh, yes, but...
I like it. Adult, yet juvenile. It's cute. Well, I like combining my man parts with those of a child. Huh? I like combining my man parts with those of a child. You like grabbing bananas? Okay, why would I say it twice? Hey, Michael, I took one of yours, and that's good. That's cool.
Oh, Michael, no! Do not smash that laptop. What are you talking about, man?
This is my victory pose. Me and Doug are cool now. Analysis complete.
24,690 pigs.
New high score. Wow. What did you come up with? I ended up photoshopping boobs onto Barack Obama and Ron Paul, arguing about how to hack the XKCD website to make marijuana legal. Oh, wow. I really want to read that now. Uh, but outstanding job, Michael. And for a second there, I thought you were going to smash the laptop. Why would I do that, funny face?
You know, to, uh, get the candy inside? I mean, there is candy inside?
That witch played me! No, it's not a witch. No, I meant the other witch.
With the vest and the glasses.
I'm not a witch either. There are no witches. Nothing is a witch.
All right. I believe you, buddy. You wouldn't lie. Not to me. We're partners. Partners have a code. Sure. Man, if you did lie to me, I don't think I could take it. I think I just might come into the office and shoot everyone. Well, okay, that is... Plus, I figured I don't need the laptop candy because of the big pile outside. That is what you promised me, right, partner? Yeah.
Uh, hey, don't go out there. Just... No!
You make candy! Open the door! Candy! Let's do you in the vase! |
dropout | how_prostitutes_settled_the_wild_west_adam_ruins_everything | I need a drink to steady my nerves. Yes, sesperillas all around. What? It's good for psoriasis. No!
Now you come on over my sub, dove. The West is too wild for a frail woman like me. Unhand her, you brute. Hey, what's the big idea? I'm here to defend your honor. You girls are happy. I'm here to defend your honor. You girls are helpless out here in the West. Ha! That's a good one. Blaine, women arguably did more to develop the West than men did. I ain't no damsel in distress. I'm a working girl.
And old Bill loves a good, helpless woman act, don't you? I sure do, Miss Pearl.
Same time next week. You got it, honey. Oh, that punch, that was a nice touch. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Prostitution is no job for a respectable woman like you. Blaine, women like everyone else came to the West for economic opportunity. And despite its considerable downsides, prostitution was often the most lucrative line of work available to them. And if you haven't noticed, it is the 1800s. And there aren't a lot of options for me to earn a living.
This is the best one I got. Excuse me while I decide what to do with all my independence. Now serving number 42.
In fact, before these women arrived, Wild West towns weren't really towns at all. They were more like work camps.
Welcome, y'all. That's the hole you sleep in, that's the hole you crap in, and that's the hole you die in.
The men were so desperate for women, they would pay just to see a pair of women's undergarments. Oh, come on. Give me a peek of those dainty little things. Oh, can you imagine? So when women came West, they saw a clear economic need. Hmm, these boys are lacking something. And I think I can provide it.
Their services were in such demand, many of these women made more money than the men they served. And entire towns sprung up around brothels. It was the influx of women that finally turned these barren camps into bustling towns.
Now that we got all this cash, let's do something with it. Cheryl, you open a store to shop in. Marta, you open a school to learn in. And Donna, you open a church to feel guilty in.
And with all that wealth, they soon became leaders of their communities. First you get the land, then you get the money, then you get the power. And they used that power to provide services the West desperately needed. Madame Millie of New Mexico used her wealth to put local children through college.
How sweet. Colorado Madame Laura Evans provided workers compensation for injured men and sheltered victims of domestic abuse. Mighty generous. And Madame Diamond Jesse Heyman provided food and clothing to the homeless after the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. Hold on, you sure women did all this. They sure did.
Thank you, Painted Lady, but the men are talking. Blaine, mind your manners.
That's author and historian Jan McEl-Collins. I had nothing. Hey there, Jan. Well, hi, Adam.
Would you tell Blaine here about the contribution prostitutes made to the Old West? Well, certainly. So it is true that the prostitution industry could be a very dangerous one because there was disease, domestic violence, drug abuse, but prostitutes were pioneers just like the men they served. In fact, a lot of prostitutes and madams were astute businesswomen. Being a prostitute or madam could actually give women more financial freedom here in the West than their Eastern counterparts. And that could even lead to a measure of political equality and influence in the communities where they served these men.
I'll be a three-peckered barn owl. Okay, come on, Jan. Double or nothing. You're on, cowpoke.
By 1869, women wielded so much power in the West that Wyoming actually became the first territory to give women the right to vote. A half-century before the rest of the nation did.
We was hoping on whom elections today, ma'am. That is, of course, if and it's all right with you. Works for me. Girls, time to vote.
Wyoming actually refused to become a state unless women kept that right. No, no, no, no. We can't have your women voting. Their tiny brains can't handle it. No deal! We may stay out of the Union 100 years, but we'll come in with our women.
Wow, that is remarkably progressive for this era. Fine. Women in Wyoming can keep the vote. By the way, I'm all in here. Would you mind if I... Sure. Go right ahead, Uncle. Tee hee hee. I'm a naughty boy.
Wyoming joined the Union as the equality state, and the idea soon spread. The next eight states to grant women suffrage were all in the West, and Wyoming would go on to elect the nation's first female governor in 1924. Face it, without these women, the West as we know it wouldn't exist.
So men like me, we're useless? We're nothing?
Okay, that's an overreaction. Saying women are good doesn't devalue the contributions of men. Oh, horse-pucky! Ladies are so great they can take on big bad Olmstead. Let them be the heroes of the West.
Hey, guys, Adam here. Be sure to watch new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. |
dropout | hardly_working_cash_booth | Sam, I love College Humor, and I want to stay here, but I've got to be honest with you, I have a really generous offer from 123tomato.com, and I'm considering taking the job. I hear what you're saying. Yes, but what are you actually doing for me?
More time in the cash booth. I really wish we could go back to the old system. Yeah, well somebody told the labor department that the dunk tank was rigged. How about you make? Not much, man. It's really heavy on wands this week. Probably cleaned out by all those fat cats on the 13th floor. Here they get a whole day in the booth. It's undignified. All we ask is that we- Cash booth, go! Sam, come on, can't we figure something else out? I suppose we could supercharge the booth, you know, make it even more insane, but I'd have to clear it with corporate first. You guys were right about the toilets, they don't flush by the- What the hell is going on here? Is Dan getting more time in the cash booth than I am? Listen, lights are down across the board, okay? I can't afford to give someone at your level more booth time.
What I can do is let you strip down to your underwear and roll around in jelly so more bills stick to you. Sam, I have something to eat. I want to roll around in maple syrup and I get to stuff as many bills as I want down my underpants. Jelly. Jelly? fucking jelly? I have given my blood and sweat to this company and you're gonna make me roll around in that thing in jelly? Maple syrup.
That man is worth every penny. Uh, so listen, I'm glad you're supercharged in the booth and all, but I'm covered in paper cuts. Oh my god, see a doctor. I don't have health insurance.
Only the gods know.
The shirt is your money pouch! |
dropout | apple_coasting_keynote_with_christopher_mcdonald | For over two decades, Apple has been synonymous with innovation. Our track record is unparalleled. The iMac, the iPod, the iPhone, the iPad. We revolutionized the music industry with the iTunes Store. We invented apps for the most profitable and successful company in the world and that's why today Apple is releasing something even more extraordinary.
Nothing. Just let that sink in for a moment. What could be more simple, more beautiful than nothing? Why should we introduce a new product when we're already selling millions of the old ones every day around the world? We deserve a break. That's why, starting today, Apple is going to start coasting. That's right.
From now on, we're not going to bring you more of the new devices you've come to expect from Apple. No new iPhones. No new iPads.
No other company on earth would dare do this except Apple. Now, I know what you're thinking, aren't our investors going to abandon us? Hardly. After all, we have $80 billion in cash and we just got 500 journalists to show up at a press conference at which we announced nothing. I think it's pretty clear we're doing fine. Hey, look, our stock has went up 100 points. There are three things we love here at Apple.
Sleep, family time, and golf.
Are you getting it yet? These are the things we're going to be doing now. Even better, we're shutting down our Chinese factories and our customers could continue to use their old Apple products without feeling like a loser. The best part? All this innovation comes to you absolutely free. From all of us at Apple, we say to you, we're good. We don't need any more of your money right now. There you have it. This year, Apple will be releasing nothing. One more thing. We're buying Google. |
cracked | stupid_movies_that_are_surprisingly_progressive_after_hours | I'm just saying it's nice to see a movie where We Are Not Objects is written in big f**k off bold letters on a wall. It's refreshing. That pregnant woman kicked ass. You don't see that all the time. Pregnant woman kicking ass.
Junior? Is Arnold's junior count?
I'm not disagreeing with you. What did I miss? I was tinkling.
I just don't get why everyone thinks Mad Max Fury wrote as some big old feminist masterpiece. Mistress piece? Point is, lots of movies have women in them. Michael, do you think that feminism is just something having a lot of ladies in it? Yeah, I do, Katie, because I'm a super convenient straw man for your argument you wish. I'm just saying, it's 2015 now. You know, the women should have to do something in the movie. 2014 was years ago.
That's why I love Kill Bill. Your lead is a badass woman. In fact, the whole Deadly Viper assassination squad is badass women, except Bud. Man, what a bitchin' feminist movie, right? Yeah, I could do without the word bitchin'. I could also do without that weird trope in movies where only after a woman has extreme violence brought against her by being, I don't know, shot in the head. Or, you know, rape. And she comes into her true strength and power. Also, it implies that a woman can only be badass if she assumes violent and traditionally masculine tendencies.
Plus, for a supposedly self-actualized and independent woman, she sure does talk about Bill a whole lot. Where's Bill? I don't know who Bill is. Bullshit! Right, which is why I love Carrie. Because she hardly ever talks about Bill in the whole movie.
No. The periods? No. Well, actually, yeah, kind of.
Okay, so Carrie starts with Carrie unloading a shining elevator's worth of blood into the showers in her gym locker room, right? She has no idea what her body's doing, and her crazy-ass mother keeps telling her that her existence as a woman is a sin and the root of all evil. Eve was weak. No! Eve was weak.
Say it, bud. No, mama! Say it.
The after she gets her first period that she discovers her telekinesis. I mean, she starts to embrace her womanhood, becoming what she truly is, which is a badass. Her mother's emotional abuse doesn't work on her anymore. I'm going, mama. Things are gonna change around here. Yeah, sure. The source of her power is her femininity instead of some horrible tragedy. But she's still adopting a masculine role as soon as she gets mad and kills everybody. And isn't the bloody woman revenge prom thing a little on the nose for a PMS metaphor? As nice as it is seeing a woman just owning being covered in blood.
I get more excited about movies that teach me feminism when I don't even realize it. Sneaky feminism. You like movies where women feed? No, sneaky feminism. Not sneaky women. Besides, women don't need to steal and kill to be badass. Just give me an interesting and diverse cast of female characters that don't have to resort to violence to be badasses.
Like Animaniacs. Seriously, give me one. Give me one. What are you doing? Just give me one. Give me an interesting and diverse cast of female characters.
I don't have one.
God, I love Dot. She's adorable and she's clever. She's not afraid to speak her mind. And Sloppy the Squirrel is great because she shows women that you don't have to be happy and cute all the time.
And then Minerva Mink and Rita the Hippo. I mean, two women owning the shit out of their sexuality, but they both have wildly different body types. Not to mention Rita the Cat, who is in a very meaningful platonic relationship with a male. Who is a dog? So romance wouldn't even be a good idea. Because the sex between species.
She even sings an entire song about not wanting to have children and how her biological clock shouldn't dictate her reproductive choices. I'm nobody's mother. What about Hello Nurse?
The whole point of that character is how super hot she is. It's not very feminist, is it? Yes, but she's also incredibly bright and her sexuality isn't the entirety of her character. Look, if you want to be Minerva Mink, a woman who steers into her sexiness at every pass, you can do that. Or if you want to be a Brainiac who happens to be incredibly attractive, you can do that too. Yakko and Wacko sing an entire song about her academic accomplishments and amazing personalities. She has several PhDs, speaks fluid to Japanese.
Exactly! Just another example of a woman needing approval from men. No, she doesn't need it. She just likes it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be desired.
In Animaniacs, every proud age, size, and degree of sexuality is represented, and they're all winners. A positive identity character for everybody. Except the men, right? Who are all depicted as drooling idiots? Oh no, Chicken Boo. I guess they really do capture every kind of man. That's why I always like Johnny Bravo. I mean, even though he's like hunky and assertive, which is what the media tells us a man should be, he still fails miserably any time he tries to hit on a woman.
Say, uh, you smell kind of pretty. Want to smell me?
Yes, and there's that one episode where he gets transformed into a woman and learns a valuable lesson about what it's like to beat one. Chicks up a-lookin' hot! Yeah, it's like that one video of the woman walking through the streets of New York for 10 hours. Except 10 years earlier, and also an episode of Johnny Bravo. And the episode even ends with a whole song about how great and strong women are.
Clueless. Hey, screw you, man. I'm trying hard. No. Clueless. About what? Changing your oil, basic social interactions, eating a plate of buffalo wings without getting sauce on your shirt? Nope.
Oh, damn it! This is why I can't have nice wings. Or f***y wings.
I want to talk about Clueless, the movie. That movie deals with sex remarkably.
Cher is a version, but it's not a problem. I mean, Dionne chides her a little bit, but no one makes her feel bad and no one tries to guilt her into sex. I am just not interested in doing it until I find the right person. Ty, on the other hand, has tons of sex, but nobody calls her a slut because of it. Just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked.
At the start of the movie, Dionne and Murray haven't had sex yet, but by the end, they make the mature, adult-responsible decision to f*** in a pool. Have you ever done it in water?
Oh, yeah. See, now I'm confused.
So, at the end of that movie, she gets the guy. I thought getting the guy was bad. No, no, no. Cher getting with Paul Rudd. That's like a completely separate, weirdly Brady Bunch movie-esque thing that has nothing to do with her arc as a character, right? She didn't need to be saved.
Her whole mission in the entire movie was to help everybody out to the best of her abilities. That takes care of our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours. She's confident and isn't afraid to stand up for herself and what she knows.
I think that I remember Hamlet accurately. Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, but he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.
And it's sneaky because it's dressed up and pretty girls talking and wearing their knee-high socks and Alaya dresses. As a Dean Alaya. He's an Italian courtierier. I got a lot from Clueless. This is an Alaya.
Okay, so in order to have a feminist movie, you have to have female characters who don't rely on hyper-masculinity to be awesome, showcase a variety of complex personalities without relying on shitty gender stereotypes unless they want to and openly express their love and sexuality in a way that isn't dependent on men. Disturf, but yeah. Okay, then. I got one. But you don't. Super Troopers. See? Okay, the most feminist movie you can think of is a stoner comedy with six dude highway patrolmen. Think about it, though.
Ursula is a police officer, yet she's stuck on radio duty because she works with a bunch of agro-dip shits. Well, around my house, my wife knows to refill the TP. I'm not your wife's wife. No, and if you were, I'd take you down a peg or two. However, she organizes the big drug ring bust at the end of the movie so well that even though the guys are s***-faced, everything still works out. Hey, you know, I always loved that she wasn't a wet blanket when it came to dicking around. Baby, I'm on a butter your bread. Or badging around in this particular situation.
Also, the German woman in the Porsche, I like her. Of course, you did. She's a blond-haired, blue-eyed, beautiful person in a German sports car. You are becoming a stereotype of yourself. Or I'm just owning what I am like all of the other wonderful women we've discussed this evening.
That German couple isn't just using their sexuality to get out of a ticket, even though that's obviously what it looks like at first. That woman and her husband are free to explore their sexual wants and desires without judgment. She chose to leave the car. She decides to get frisked. Meanwhile, her husband's sitting there watching the whole thing with what I must assume is just THE boner. Her sexuality doesn't belong to anyone, like Hello Nurse. The cops are taking advantage of her. She is in complete control. That's how come later in the movie, you see, her and her husband enjoying mustache rides with Ramathorn and his lady.
And some bananas. Probably other stuff that we didn't even get to see.
It's bullsh*** that Michael won this conversation just because he picked his last. He learned what feminism was over the course of this conversation. Hashtag yes all women.
Gate. You know? Also, you heard gamers are upset about something? Are we not allowed to talk about that? There's like a gate. There's a gate that's keeping women in or it's keeping them out. Or it's keeping games away from women. But wow, you guys really are out of touch. People are upset about this.
Hi, everybody. Thank you for watching this episode of After Hours about feminism, which I wrote. And I was very excited about it. I was the eye candy.
If you'd like to learn more about feminism, you can go to your local library. And any book with a woman on it, you can read it. That's how feminism works. Any book that a woman is reading, take it from them.
I'm here. I don't know why they wouldn't let me. Anyway, I'm here though. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_08_banking_royal_commission_interview_with_glenn_the_preference_whisperer_druery | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic. So talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
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You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Good afternoon Batooda. It's that special time of the week again. It's time for the Batooda Advocate radio show with me Clancy Overall and Errol Parker. Yes it is Clancy. Broadcasting live from the Koala Studios on Daru Street, the latest from the news desk at the top of the hour.
Traffic is back back all the way to Arthur Road in South Batooda just before the French Quarter exit. There's been a smash in the heart of town. Try to avoid the intersection of Cornwallis and Jones Streets and the old city district if you can. What else has been happening around town Clancy? Well a Batooda Heights man has just been convicted of his seventh DUI this morning at the local courts. Dennis Scholes of Rosemount Road told the court that if there was a better public transport option at night he wouldn't have to drive.
What am I supposed to do? Walk?
I'm sorry I thought capitalism won the cold war so we don't have to ride the bus.
A brazen armed robbery was foiled overnight at the Dolphins Leagues Club by a group of patrons hell bent on protecting their beloved club. Two masked men brandishing knives entered the premises just after midnight and were met with a medley of barstools and other assorted furniture that was not already bolted to the floor.
Manager Jock Campbell described the scene. Yeah it was wild, you should have seen it. These blokes just came in wearing balaclavas and told us all to get on the floor. Old Len jumps up, threw a stool at one of them, made a real nice clang against his melon. Peter Green picked up the ashtray off the bar, frisbee'd the thing into the other blokes throat from across the room. You'd only believe it if you saw it, couldn't make it up.
The two alleged robbers are still at large and police are appealing for witnesses to come forward. They're both described as being around 180 centimetres tall, medium build and wearing Nike Air Force One trainers.
Well I guess that's it for local news, what's been happening around the country and indeed the world this week Errol? Well the Banking Royal Commission has been hogging inches across many newspapers around the week, I think we even covered it. What do we do again?
The headline goes, Turnbull concedes that he had to give banks time to shred documents before the Royal Commission. Yes, the Prime Minister told the media this week that he admits failures were made on the Government's part in delaying the Royal Commission into the banking industry. In addition to that, Malcolm Turnbull also conceded and defended his judgement, saying he had to give banks time to prepare for the investigation. Yeah, the PM said to us, there were a number of important documents that needed to be shredded. There were offshore bank accounts that had to be dusted off, you know, all that boring banker speak. To the layperson, he said, the banks need to make sure that they were fully prepared and compliant in time for the Royal Commission. If it were to start without the banks being prepared, it would have cost the taxpayer even more money and taken jobs overseas. Turnbull finished by saying, is that why the people of Australia elected my government to power?
No. Kane Frankston has texted in saying, Malcolm actually couldn't comment until now because he was holding back a week long tennis tournament in Point Piper with a bunch of making friends. Their backhands were aplenty.
And another backhanded compliment was handed down to the Prime Minister with a headline that we published earlier. Turnbull attempts to feel disgusted at banking Royal Commission's findings. Yeah, the Prime Minister had to laugh off the suggestion that he pretended to be horrified at the Royal Commission's findings, telling our reporters he always thought the banking sector was above board. Turnbull said at a press conference this week, I can assure you, when I was a banker, things were a lot different. Many journalists, you know, even ones from news called publications, couldn't help but laugh at the end of that press conference. Some were saying that, you know, how can he say that with a straight face after working in emerging markets of Goldman Sachs for so long? But apparently, Turnbull is sticking to his guns, explaining that it's mostly everyday transaction banks, you know, like your Commonwealth, your Big Four, stuff like that. They're the real focus of the investigation, not the larger investment banks where the Prime Minister cut his teeth. Yes, one reporter from the SBS was actually dragged out of the presser by his ponytail after rolling eyes at the Prime Minister.
And Sam Webster from the Flight Path district on the text line, he reckons it's time for Malcolm to bust out the leather jacket and catch a tram. Rob Healy from The Quarter says he's waiting for Michaelia Cash to tip off the media regarding a prospective arrest of a bank executive. Yeah, it's not the first time she's threatened to name names.
Yeah, and we wrote a story this week about how the same sort of people are always responsible for these Royal Commissions, whether they're friends of Michaelia's or not. The headline on that story read, North Shore Sydney private schools to blame for yet another Royal Commission. Yeah, a combination of those elite bourgeois private schools on Sydney's North Shore have come out and apologised for the hand that they played in producing some of the biggest offenders in the current inquiry into the banks and financial services firms. And forgive me if I muddle this name up, listeners. Hugo Griffin Lee Whitebough is a spokesman for the prominent ex-private school old boy group, the representative institution of childhoods only at elite education or rich boys, has come out and said, We are sorry for this. At least you can't blame us for the Don Dale Commission. That's some low-level family-ruining shit. Charming. The Royal Commission has been asked to investigate whether any of the Silvertail mates of Tony Abbott, who are working at Australia's financial services entities, have engaged in misconduct, and if criminal or other legal proceedings should be referred to the Commonwealth. It comes at the back of the Royal Commission into institutional responses to child abuse, which also saw the exclusive institutions of North Sydney private schools to blame for a fair chunk of the misconduct, but mainly their educators, as opposed to students.
Well, let's not forget about the Coalition's perennial bridesmaid and ex-private school boy, Scott Morrison Clancy. Yes, let's not forget about ScoMo at all.
We spoke to the Treasurer earlier this week in a story that was titled, Morrison says this shit he knew about for years is not a good look for the banks. Yeah, he said he was going to implement new criminal penalties of up to 10 years and maximum fines of up to $945,000 for individuals doing stuff that he has known about for years. Some of the initial findings show rampant breaching of the Corporations Act, actions which have ruined the lives of thousands of Australians, and until now, only really a sackable offence upon being caught, with very few bankers facing criminal prosecutions. Mr Morrison said government agencies already knew about the problems identified by Commissioner Kenneth Hayne, which included low-level corruption, kickbacks and poor lending standards. He said, I can't believe this shit I've known about for years has been happening for so long.
ScoMo did say that to us, though, that he'll try and do as much as he can about this. But it's not like they've done anything super immoral like claiming Centrelink without declaring an income of over $235 a week. Yes, Centrelink will come for you. You might need a Royal Commission into the banks to actually hold some of those high-end lenders and finance types accountable, but, you know, if you find yourself walking away with a bit more than you should at Centrelink, they'll come and find you. They don't need a Royal Commission into that.
Well, I think that, I think this is a good point, then, to bring in our guest, Glenn Drury, who is an election campaigner and political strategist who's versed in the dark arts of democracy, as you would say. Yes, his name is the Preference Whisperer. He's responsible for some of the most obscure political figures in both state and federal elections around Australia. We can talk about the political games that were played to prevent this Royal Commission until the cows come home, but there really is only one person in this country that knows the game as well as today's guest, and that's him. He's one of the true political animals in Parliament House, and he's owed a lot of favours, but of course, with that comes a lot of enemies. It's for this reason we've had to host this interview on his boat today, so please forgive the lapping water in this interview, listeners, as we were located somewhere in the Gulf of Carpentaria and had to get a few beers into him before he really gave us anything. Well, here we are with Glenn Drury, an iconic member of the Australian political machine, a cog, you could say, sitting in his boat in the Gulf of Carpentaria, Errol and myself.
Mr Drury, would you start by asking you, if you can, in simplest terms, describe your current profession? I'm Senior Advisor to Senator Darren Hinch, and when I'm not doing that, at election times, I've been doing, for the past 20 years or so, playing with numbers and helping ordinary people enter the political process. The media dubbed me first the preference harvester, then the preference whisperer. So I'm just waiting to become an ism somehow. Could you help me with that?
Truism. Truism, not at all.
Glennism? Glennism. The school of Glennism.
Sounds like a disease, really, doesn't it? No, maybe not ism.
So in layman's terms, how do you take these numbers, this, I'm assuming it's raw data, that's been in the headlines recently now with Facebook and the Cambridge Analytica thing, they've all been harvesting numbers and data. So how do you use that data to springboard normal, everyday people into the political process? I tend to ignore most of that stuff, really. I mean, I'm lucky, I think perhaps maybe I was dropped on my head when I was a baby, but I can look at numbers, political numbers, and they tell me a story. And I'm very fortunate that I've been able to help lots of ordinary people enter the political process for the last 20 years.
So what skills do you need to do what you do? Basic maths. I mean, I think Anthony Green could do part of what I do, but I don't know that his interpersonal skills are probably where they should be. So that's just as important. Anthony is very good at figuring out what I've done after I've done it. So political numerical entrepreneurialism, I suppose, with an understanding of how the system works, the ability to get along with people, understanding the political process. I guess, I mean, they're all the things that are important to do what I do.
And it's a lot of fun. I think that's the most important thing for me is enjoying what I do and beating Vegas. And that bit I guess I love the most. And I've been beating Vegas for a long time.
So over the past 20 years, who are some of the people you've helped, these ordinary people that you've helped into Canberra and to other? Most obscure? Well, probably the most famous is Ricky Muir. I've helped lots and lots and lots of people. And some of them I guess can't talk about because unless my clients choose to go public, then I never disclose who they are. So we talk about a couple that I've helped.
Ricky Muir for one, Darren Hinch, another. At one time, my fingerprints were on seven of the eight crossbench during the so called feral years that the last prime minister dubbed the Senate. I've worked with both major parties, even the Greens over the years. But I think Ricky Muir probably stands out as the most prominent. From Ricky's point of view was truly the accidental senator.
He was never meant to be there. He was not a client. He paid me no money. In fact, the reason Ricky is there is because my client in Victoria, who started off life as a used car salesman, and I'm sure there's some wonderful used car salesman out there, decided that he wasn't going to pay my bill.
And then he threatened me with all sorts of legal action and whatnot. And I just flipped a few numbers around.
I picked the most innocuous person I could find and we put Ricky there. And as it happens, Ricky turned out to be a pretty good senator toward the end of the day. He was a little bit green at first, a little bit slow on the uptake at first. But as he settled in, Ricky was starting to develop that reputation of the everyone's senator. And he really connected well with people in the pervs and people in little towns. I mean, Ricky settled into the role, but anyone from the get go, or even a political movement from the get go, come across as actual unsung political operators. Is there anyone there that you think is a bit underrated in how they get around? The first guy that I put in in 1999, Malcolm Jones.
Let me give you a little bit of history on how this started. I wanted to form a middle of the road based environment political party, which I did. It was called the Outdoor Recreation Party. And at that time I was right into bushwalking and mountain biking and camping and all those sort of fun things. And very keen on environmental issues, but I felt that the Greens had just gone a little bit too far. They were borderline on Trotskyites and all sorts of things. So I wanted a political party that, you know, people like me that recycle their garbage could associate with.
The mistake I made was to get mixed up with a guy called Malcolm Jones, who was connected to the Four Wheel Drive Association. But I was blinded by, I said earlier about beating Vegas. I was blinded by this intellectual challenge of getting somebody elected who was a nobody, who had no money and who had, at the end of the day, pulled 7,000 primary votes. He proved to be a very big disappointment in that this gift that I had given him, I think was it a year or maybe 18 months, perhaps two years later, he was in front of ICAC and essentially run out of Dodge for being corrupt and lying to the parliament.
So you asked me about Unsung Heroes, didn't you? Well, he was, what do they say in the castle? What's the opposite to Unsung Heroes?
Because that's what he was. So just to deconstruct exactly what you do for those playing at home, you get these votes for these small innocuous parties and you pull them together to kind of put it behind one person, which hopefully gets them across the line. Oh, in simple terms, yeah. That's it. And it's not hopefully. Can you expand on that? I can expand on that.
Look, what you've got to do in this process is work together. All the little guys, little girls have to work together.
Before I came along, there was no organisation within the minor party structures and their primary votes were dissipating through preferences all over the place. There was this preferential shrapnel flying in all directions and it was predominantly benefiting the major parties. What I put to the minor parties was work together. Regardless of the colour of your policy, whether you're green or blue, pro-this, pro-anti-that, work together. Because what you have in common is it is you versus the major parties. And the major parties sure as shit don't want you there.
And that's what they did. And since I started doing this, well, we've seen a proliferation of what I like to term ordinary people entering parliaments all over the country. Almost every state at one time rather than the last 20 years has had minor parties with the balance of power. We see it in the Senate right now. We had it in the Senate in the last government where minor parties had the balance of power.
And good things are being done, or should I say bad things are being stopped. Minor parties stopped the $7 Medicare co-payment. They stopped the 40% increase in tertiary education fees that Christopher Pyne wanted to put upon us.
They saved ARENA. They saved the Clean Energy Finance Corporation and so many more things.
So I don't accept what the major parties say that we are somehow playing the system. The system was put there by the major parties to benefit the major parties.
What I've done is loaded their own gun and pointed it back at their heads. And they've tried to stop you through laws. Well, they have. I'm the only guy in the country that's had laws initiated to stop me doing what I do.
Is it four or is it five times now? But most recently with the so-called Senate reforms, I don't like to use the word reform because reform implies it's somehow better. But the changes made to the Senate voting system prior to the double dissolution election, and those changes were pushed through by the government with the support of the Greens and Nick Xenophon.
And I warned them. I warned them that if you do these things, it will be a fast track for Pauline Hanson. And it was. Pauline Hanson was elected.
If we had had the same system that we had in the past, I would have stopped her. Make no mistake about it, I would have stopped her. I've been stopping Hanson for 20 years. I went public on that just over a year ago after Senator Brian Burston made all sorts of scurrilous claims against me under parliamentary privilege in Cowards Castle. And I would have stopped Pauline Hanson.
So one might say that the Greens and Xenophon with the coalition government are responsible for Hanson being in parliament. In fact, one might not say that. That is absolutely the case. The Greens and Xenophon put Hanson in the parliament. Well, you recently appeared on the 730 report on the ABC where a lot of people did learn that you had in fact been working previously as an advisor and that's with very big quotation marks for One Nation and Pauline Hanson. How did that come about?
How did you find yourself going from the small fringe to the big fringe to the big bangs? I guess we've got to go way back to the late 90s when Hanson first appeared and I disliked her policies from the beginning. Personally, I've met Pauline many times. I don't find her offensive as an individual but I find many of her policies very offensive.
I was in a position where I could do something about that. And I did. I did by diverting preferences away from her and her apparatchiks at critical points at critical elections and at critical times in my account. You had her locked out. She was out and here she is back and there's nothing I can do to stop her in the federal parliament now.
Other than her policies that you disagreed with back in the day I imagine you still disagree. They've remained pretty similar apart from she's replaced the minorities with new minorities. Originally she didn't like Aboriginals. Then she didn't like Asians. She wasn't like people of a particular religious faith.
And I just wonder what type of Australia we would have today. Just think about it if Hanson was around post World War II. Could you imagine what Pauline Hanson of say 1948 might have said?
We don't want those Greeks here. We don't want those Italians or those Yugoslavs here.
What would Australia look like today without this wonderful blend of these people from all over the world? I think the most exciting thing that we would get would be coon cheese. There would be a lot less concrete around too. Things we take for granted like the cappuccino in the morning. That wouldn't be here. So when you were working to undermine Hanson so you were essentially a mole on the inside of the organisation.
I never charged her any money. Never.
But you were a double agent of sorts. She thought you were her guy. She was under the proviso that you weren't actively trying to undermine her. I was doing what I like to term a community service. And I did it well. I kept her out for a long long time.
Have you felt any consequence from doing that? Have you burnt a bridge with One Nation?
They'll be back. Gone are the days now where I can give them advice and they'll blindly follow it and that advice was designed like giving them the political version of the trick. And they took it every time with a little spoonful of sugar and that was it. They were done. Time after time after time.
And you know what, it's not personal. To me politics is like a game of footy. When it's on, it's on. And you do what you can within the rules to destroy the other person. And afterwards, have a beer. And that's how I like to play professionally too.
Are you done with One Nation? Do you reckon there's a bit more dying they could do? There's nothing much that I can do federally. In New South Wales of course after 1999 in the tablecloth ballot paper the rules would change. So not much I can do in New South Wales. I did put a big spanner in the works for them at the last Western Australian election in March of last year.
About two months out One Nation were polling such that they would have, should have and could have won nine seats. They were polling upwards of 25 to 30% in some places. And that's in the Senate. That's in the Upper House. Now on the numbers of the polling that they were achieving at the time they would have won nine positions.
Three things happened which screwed them up. The first thing is that disastrous and most ludicrous preference deal with the Liberal Party. I mean that had a double atomic bomb in that it harmed the Liberals and contributed to that landslide against the Liberals over there. And it also had a very negative effect on One Nation voters. There were a lot of One Nation voters who detest the Liberal Party.
So they didn't vote for the Liberal Party and ironically two of the groups that did well were the Shooters Fishers and Farmers Party and the Nationals. The Nationals actually increased their vote across the board. And I put that down not to any skill from the Nats because you know apart from drinking whiskey on the bad porch and whittling sticks and chewing past palum there's not a lot of talent in the Nats I can assure you. Especially in WA. Although we could talk about Brendan Grills and how he was torched by Gina Rinehart but that's another story.
That disastrous preference deal was the first spoke to break for One Nation. Was that a hospital pass from you? Was that the deal they did with the Liberals? No.
I was on the outer by that time. Definitely on the outer.
Burston, Senator Byron Burston from NSW had finally woken up. It took him a little while. But he finally woke up.
The second thing that was a problem for One Nation was their greatest asset and also their greatest liability. And that is Pauline Hanson herself. I could show you on a graph on how their polling went down. Two weeks out from the election when Hanson came into town they were in free fall mate. You was pulled a ripcord. Every time she opened her mouth it was on the front page. I mean she said Putin was a good bloke and it just so happens that the family that died on that plane that Putin ordered to be shot down came from WA. Came from Perth. For goodness sake. So that put them in free fall in the polls.
But they still could have and should have won six seats. They only won three and it was me and doing my preference work that stopped them picking up those three seats in the city. You were working with, you can't say which parties you were working with in that circumstance.
Oh in WA? Yeah. Yeah I can. Look I worked with an obscure party over there called the Fluoride Free Party. Which were nearly elected. The Daylight Saving Party. The Western Australians like the Queenslands are still a little bit behind the rest of us. Worrying about the curtains. Yeah.
And the cows. I think they need to look at all the tomatoes we produce here with the extra hour of sunlight.
The Nats are in real trouble. The Nats have been on a bit of a flat to downhill run for the last 20 years.
Do you think there's any real competition for them in the real regional areas? Oh yeah absolutely. In the far west. Have a look. Just watch what's going to happen in the NSW election of March of next year. I am aware that the shooters, fishers and farmers are targeting the Nationals in some of their seats and so is One Nation. Now interestingly the bottom line of what might happen there is the Greens could pick up seats particularly in the north. Particularly around Lismore. Particularly up in the Tweed. In Byron. Yes. In all of those areas.
And we've got some Greens up there now. The Greens are very strong up there. And even the Nats up there are half Green.
Well I suppose they'd have to be wouldn't they? Up there. They're half something. I'm not sure quite what they are.
Like how about for example around Betoota our local member out there is David Littleproud. He's now How would you go with a name like that at school? Littleproud. Well apparently he was a bit of a bully at school.
Is that right? Makes a good fruitcake as well I heard. So does Pauline Hanson actually. She does make a good fruitcake. And salmon and cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off. Very nice.
He does have a bit of competition up there from the catters and what not. By the way the catters did very well in Queensland. Just want to talk about numbers for a minute on the comparison to Catter and Pauline Hanson's One Nation party. All of this hype about One Nation going up there and picking up 10 to 20 seats in Queensland.
Never for one minute did I accept that. In fact I predicted six months out that they would win zero unless they were preferenced by the LNP. In fact they were preferenced by the LNP and they won one seat.
And they pulled roughly 14% across the state. Almost a million dollars in public funding and they win one seat. Catter on the other hand pulls roughly 3% across the state and wins three seats.
Hello? What's going on? So you reckon he's talking the talk?
Well Catter's been around a long time. Catter's an interesting man. I've met him many times. He's the only bloke that I've ever met that has the ability to interrupt himself.
Yeah. We've all been there before. I've got to say there is logic in his argument during the same sex marriage debate when he said I don't have time to talk about this same sex nonsense. Crocodiles are eating people in Queensland. I can see that. Can you see that? No more time to talk about it. May 1000 blossoms bloom. In fact during this interview I suspect several Queenslanders have probably been eaten by crocodiles. Yeah. That would actually win us I was doing an ABC fact check on that one. That was probably the take of the day after the gay marriage vote.
By the way this Batutah advocate bitter of yours. Batutah bitter.
Very good. Is this just something you've rebranded out of China? No it's artesian ball water. Are you sure about that? We're not doing clean skins. It's made by a very apt young man from the north who's come down to spearhead the cosmopolitan maisance that we're currently having in Batutah. Right.
That was Bob Carter had a policy. A mate that I've caught a flight with him once. And it was probably when he was really hitting his straps as an independent. And he had a plan to create a canal in the middle of Australia.
Have you heard this one? Yeah. Not yet. Apparently he wanted to dig a channel at a Gulf of Carpentaria. Oh well that's good. No that's good. Into the mineral belt. Then he got asked. I don't think that's feasible.
So I'm going to ask for $10,000 million dollars for a train line in the Galilee basin. $1,000 million dollars. $1,000 million dollars. $1,000 million dollars. What's that Bob? He goes, $1 billion! You pelican!
You've told us that you both use your powers for good and for not so good. Hang on. Let's define not so good. What's not so good? You haven't really given me an example yet.
But have you put anyone in that you regret? Well I regret Malcolm Jones. The very first guy I put in I regret that. So the policies get a bit scarier. Has that ever happened to you? He betrayed me for starters. I put in there and he betrayed me.
If there's one thing I can't tolerate at this level of politics is rats and lies. I need trust. Absolute trust in what I do. My reputation is all I have. And it's the reason I've been able to do what I do for the past 20 years.
How do you choose? You've got this big list of parties from the Flat Earthers to the Anti-Vaxxers to the No Boot Polish Party to the No Haircut Party. How do you choose? Well if you came to me and said I want to get elected I want to enter politics. The Patuta Australia Party.
The first thing I would do is interview you. You don't know I'm interviewing you. And I have to determine whether you've got what it takes. At a strategic level I don't want to talk about your policies unless you're a crazy.
A total crazy. And there are some crazies out there.
We don't even get to the coffee stage. So we'll have a coffee and a chat. Do you have what it takes to play the game of getting elected? And if you get through that then we'll talk a deal on what's going to happen. And how we're going to play the game.
So I have worked with an eclectic bunch of people over the years. And I think that all of them have made a valuable contribution in their own way.
Because what a great political system. And I've just told you how much I dislike One Nation. But isn't it a great system that allows the One Nation to exist?
Or the Greens to exist? Or the Shooters? Or the Sex Party?
I think it's a wonderful grown up and mature system that allows diversity of views and opinions in our parliaments. So hypothetically would it be outside the realm of possibility that we'd be able to get someone from Batuta into the Red Room? Unless you come to me and you say I've got a million dollars from a campaign in other words if you're another Clive Palmer or if you're a Darren Hinch or a Jackie Lambie or a Pauline Hanson in other words somebody that's very prominent then it will be tough for you to be elected. So I'm sorry to say it's not likely that we will see a Senator from Batuta any time soon. Well that's a shame. Challenge accepted. How would you have done it pre-Xenophon Greens? Well I guess we talk about the most prominent person I've put in which is Ricky Muir.
Ricky started on just 0.5% or roughly 17,000 primary votes. As it turned out his competition was Helen Croger who was on, she parked on roughly 12.5%. So we look at that look at that graph of 0.5% versus 12.5% and Helen didn't really get much further than that.
It was like Helen got up that ladder and she was just two rungs shy of getting on the roof and there was no way she could get there because I stopped that. I took those rungs out of that preferential ladder and diverted everything to Ricky.
I mean almost everything. And this was for a bit of fun? No this was to teach a particular individual a lesson that he lied to me he had a commitment to me he shook my hand on a deal and he betrayed me. And I'd take that very very seriously.
So I picked the most innocuous nobody I could find and that was Ricky Muir. Who as I said earlier turned out to be not a bad senator toward the end. After that election Helen came up to see me in the NSW Parliament and really she wanted to please explain what happened. How did that happen? How did I not win?
And there were tears on both sides I must say. And for the first time I saw that human carnage of what I'd done. But I don't think I've ever said that public and I want to say it now at a personal level I'm sorry that I did what I did to Helen Kroger.
So basically that means that if we were to get someone from the tutoring it would also cause some more human carnage in Queensland. But in politics there's no prizes for second place. You win or you lose. In my view Queensland will come down to two Greens sorry two Greens. Two Labor, one Green two LNP and most likely Malcolm Roberts if he's pre-selected will come back for One Nation.
Isn't it great? I loved it when Malcolm was there.
I mean you talked about the Flat Earth Society. He's the Flat Earth Society with bumps.
He's just gone on to national television and just made a kind of himself. Just you know with like a world renowned scientist. But he's entertaining and to me I said to somebody Malcolm Roberts is the top of the iceberg for One Nation and he said you mean top of the ice cube. And he really is. He's a very funny political lunatic.
If Tony had knighted Richie Benno we say this a bit. He'd used those powers that he briefly introduced to knight Richie Benno he probably wouldn't have lost his job. Do you reckon that's do you think Prince Phillip kind of triggered his downfall? Look I think Tony triggered his own downfall.
I've negotiated with Tony Abbott and with the current prime minister and the difference is vast. He's vast. Now let me preface this by saying Tony Abbott is a very good cyclist. And I'd love to get him to join me in a race across America sometime.
We can talk about that in a minute. When Tony Abbott took us back to the days of the 1950s where there would be knights and dames and ladies and whatnot there was a very interesting and what I thought funny protest. Somebody got to the road signs between Sydney and Melbourne and changed the metric back to imperial. I know that was really good. Let's just go back to the last century. You're road racing. How did you get into that?
In my early 30s I was wrongly diagnosed with bowel cancer and told that I didn't have long to live. Now I could go into all the details of what happened over the next two years but I'll just get to the point of saying that I became very very ill. I'm about 79 kilos now. I got down to just under 60 kilos at that point and I remember my son's fourth birthday. I was so weak that I couldn't push him on the swings. It was a terrible time. Ultimately it was determined that I had diverticulitis.
I had a third of my bowel removed and I've been fine ever since. But what happened after that, I remember coming out of hospital and had dinner and I didn't get sick and I had half a glass of wine and I didn't get sick. So I drank all of the wine and I didn't get sick so I drank the bottle.
That continued for 12 months and I went from roughly 60 kilos to 100 kilos. I became Mr. Porker. I remember watching a video of me on Christmas day and until I realised it was me, I said who's that fat guy in the... that's me. So the very next day I decided I had to do something about it and I rode my bike down to my parents place on the Shoalhaven River which was about 160 k's. It went straight into it. Just jumped into it. That's like my life. The next day. I nee died. I was on a shitty old mountain bike in shorts and t-shirt.
I knew nothing about nutrition and exercise and sport. So I figured I better not eat breakfast.
So it was just scorched earth. Let's get some of this weight off. Oh do it now. It was either that or liposuction.
How sore was your gooch? It was pretty sore. It took me 12 maybe 14 hours as I recall and I made it down to my parents place. And I remember seeing my cousin and I hadn't seen her in a couple of years and she said to me she said, you look fucked. You look like death.
And that was the beginning. In 2003 I participated in the 1200k Parry Bress Parry. The oldest cycling race in the world. And it was there I met an American guy called James Kern who invited me in 2004 to go and do the 5000km race across America. That didn't come together. They had issues there. But in 2005 I did my first, first of four race across Americas.
And it became part of my soul. Part of who I am. Something happens to you in an ultra distance event like a 5000km race. You see yourself. It's like looking down your throat at who you are. With all of these social niceties stripped away and you see the real you. There's no hiding from that. Sometimes you disgust yourself in what you're doing.
And other times you're on a high that I can't possibly describe in words. It is the most amazing incredible experience of my life. Outside of family, friends and loved ones of course.
I've done it four times and I'm hanging to go back. I'm hanging to go back. And you're hankering to do it one more time.
Well I went and actually spoke to Tony Abbott. Now let's forget about Tony Abbott's political view on the world.
But he's a pretty good cyclist.
And I said Tony would you like to do this? I'd like to put a team together on the former Premier of New South Wales, Reece. I made it known to him that I'd like to put a team together of politicos. That hasn't come together yet. We've got issues as sponsors. We could make an overt plea here to someone.
Some corporate out there that would stand to gain from the corporate tax cuts if they come through. You're going to save millions, hundreds of millions of dollars.
Throw a little bit in my way and sponsor us in Race Across America. Or what about Subway? They're a sponsor of yours aren't they? Subway. How about Subway? Subway would you like to sponsor me and some other politicos to do Race Across America and we would eat nothing but Subway.
It's one of the key differences between the two styles of Abbott and Turnbull. Abbott would negotiate from Liberal Party principles and would be very difficult to deal with. When things didn't go his way he'd call them names. Ferrel. Turnbull on the other hand negotiates with his hands out and how can I work with you? How can I deal with you?
To his credit he has pushed through a lot of legislation. Albeit legislation that starts out looking like X ends up looking like Y but nevertheless he is doing a much better job with the crossbench than did the former Prime Minister.
Right well we might wrap it up. Thanks for having us on your boat out here in the Gulf. Well let's go and catch some prawns eh? Yeah some prawns and some dolphins.
Dolphin, dolphin doesn't, no it's not as good as bilby or platypus or those sort of things. It's a bit gamey. Is it? Yeah.
Tastes like chicken all of it. Well it all tastes like chicken.
Alright Glen. Thanks mate. Thank you. Good on you. And that was Glen Drury listeners.
We're at the top of the hour. Murray's giving us the hurry on. Up next is Holosport. So until next week I'm their old Parker. Hooroo. It's August 31st. See website for details. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_presents_winter_olympics | Hi, hello. congratulations. thank you. um, I heard you played hockey growing up and you're gonna show us some moves. what? I mean, I played recreational. I don't think I could teach you anything.
I'd love to see something. Oh, I would love to see you try.
I have more than drinking and smoking, and that's hitting the slopes. Ah, the slopes. I love everything about them. the fresh powder, hot dogging it down the double black diamond, hanging on to two poles just to keep my balance.
And I wasn't talking about skiing that time, right, fellas? how far? fair to have a glass of champagne while I'm skiing and smoking. No, it wouldn't. you guys sure about that? Great, great. champagne! keep him coming, would you? mama skis a lot better when she's drunk. Oh, no. the sound of that expert yodeling can only mean one thing. here comes my best buddy, Paris Hilton. thanks for the ski outfit.
I look hot. Oh, you're welcome, little Blondie. Good God, this is beginning to look like an Old Navy commercial. Tree Branch! that was close. that was hot.
Well, I see you brought your dog his stinkerbell. it's Stinkerbell, And yes, she loves to ski. Hey, where's your dog? always around here somewhere. Dogatella ver Pucci! come here, baby. Dogatella, oh, here it is. Wow, your dog looks sick. No, no, it's having a great time. Your Dogatella, you go back to the skiing, baby. So Paris, tell me. what the hell are you doing in Switzerland?
Oh, I've been coming here forever. I made it hot. hold on a minute, Hot stuff. I've been coming here forever. I'm the one who made it hot.
Raccoon! God, what's that raccoon's problem? Obviously, that raccoon's attracted to bitches.
Yeah, hot ones, bitch. You know what? you are the bitch. No, you are the bitch. you are suffering. you'd be called mountain bitch. if you were a diet, you'd be the South Bitch diet. if you were a cheap mall store, you'd be called Abercrombie and Bitch. if you were a reality show, you'd be bitch factor. If you were a home furnishing store, you'd be bitch bath and beyond bitch. If you were a Starbucks coffee, you'd be a bitchachino. you really know how to hurt a bitch's feelings, don't you? I'm sorry, Donatella. is there anything I can do? yeah, actually, there is. in power, bitch!
Oh, yeah, and get out. Boys, man, that was a close one. I'm still standing, but I'm gonna hang out again. Oh, water. it's the Grand Poo-ba of wing lovers, Sir Elton John. Donatella, I love your ski-up, but it's making me horny. get it? I'm holding a large horn. horny, yeah, I get it. you know what? the joke's not as funny if you have to ask someone if they get it, all right?
So, where were you today? I spent the whole day stuffing my face with Swiss chocolate. Ciao. I can get it. in's my Swiss chocolate. Get it? Yeah, okay, once again, joke's not as funny when you have to explain it, dude, Okay? so, where were you, man? we were supposed to meet up for fondue. Donatella, you know what I call fondue. fondue, don't. because if I eat all that cheese, I would produce enough gas to cause an avalanche. Okay. too much information, Julie Andrews. So, what's the deal for lunch today? Fondue? I'm from Boston. it's the U.s.
Men's Heterosexual Figure Skating Championship. I'm Scott Hamilton here with Tara Lipinski. we're two weeks away from the Sochi Olympics, and there's already been a lot of controversy around Vladimir Putin and his anti-gay policies. many athletes are rightly upset, with a few organizations even demanding a boycott. So, in case of any last-minute problems, the U.s. committee has decided to put together a B-squad of less talented but undeniably heterosexual figure skaters.
On the ice now is our first competitor, Tj Davenport. Tj looking confident. wearing a very comfortable Jets jersey and cargo pants. let's see if he's Olympic Haliburn. Oh, wow. starting with air guitar right off the top. a lot of attitude there. good thumbs up to his buddies. Tj's getting ready for his first jump. does he go with the triple axel? no! that's a small, bumpy halibut he dances. Tj feeling good. telling the crowd to suck it. All right. Now, coming up is his big combo. And.no, I'm sorry. he has a bag of combos, and he's eating them. Oh, coming up on the part of the routine here where Tj makes fun of gay skaters. Tj likes to call this move the Frisco Switch. look at him, swing. Oh, it threw him off balance, And oh, Tj's down. he looks tired, and I think he might have fallen on his keys, Tara.
Okay, there you have it. And would you say that was a good routine, Scott? Well, I'd have to say no, but you'll have to ask.
Our judges, Tim Allen, Tom Arnold, and Gary Bababooie Delabati. our next heterosexual skater hails from Long Beach, California, Malcolm Barnes. I'm getting a little help from Nate Dogg and Warren G. letting the anticipation fail here. Ooh, and he's off. a cautious start from Malcolm. he does not want to fall. you know, Tara, Malcolm asked me before the competition if he could wear, quote, regular shoes. Okay, first trend,: he's going to win through these green comments. looks like he decided to go right through them. that man shaking his confidence open, he is down. Wow, not even attempting to get back up. looks like he's going with the booty scooch. I'll be signaling for someone, and here comes his little cousin to help him up. playing on the judges' emotional heartstrings, an impressive finish for the Californian. And for a change of pace, a heterosexual pairs team. we have Autozone employee Dino Mcmillan skating with his favorite Applebee's waitress, Shannon. see how they do. Oh, and Dino's very handy for the get-go.
Shannon, she breaks away, but he's coming for her. Oh, but he swings wide. Dino's still going after her, and now it looks like he's showing us what he'd do if he'd get those breasts in his hands. I love doing air pumps. he's a man that knows what he wants. uh-oh, oh no, Mcmillan pulling up short. looks like he might have pulled something. maybe hurt. Shannon's getting over it, see if he's all right. Oh, no, it's a trick. he's not hurt. he just wanted a smooch. and it looks like he's pulling away here now. Oh, I guess he's taking a bit of a break. maybe a little winded. reaching out to some of his friends. check on how he's doing. No, he's going for the upscores. and again. the Olympics ended this Sunday.
Here to give her first-hand report is Snl's number-one Olympics fan, Leslie Jones. I'm doing good, Leslie.
So you actually went to Pyeongchang. How was Korea? Oh, my gosh, it was so awesome. I am a six-foot black woman. you think I stand out in America? everybody in Korea was four-foot-one. they even thought I was an athlete or a guy. some of them thought I was a transformer, but a transformer don't eat Korean barbecue like that. So you enjoyed the Winter Olympics. Man, I loved it, Colin. And I didn't think I would. until this year, honestly, I wasn't into the winter ones as much as the summer. But once I got to Korea, I fell in love with the events.
I mean, I got to see Jamie Anderson out there riding the hash pipe. I mean. I think it's actually. you don't know. shut up. shut up. you don't know. I'm pretty sure it's a half pipe. I'm the expert. it's a half pipe. whatever.
And did you like the bobsledding? Ooh, yes, lord, I sure love the bobsledders. that's me! Whoo! Those thighs were so nice for my eyes.
But it turned out that my favorite event was hockey. How come nobody told me about hockey? it's violence on ice. they punching and checking bitches at 30 miles an hour. chomp! And did you know they got this thing called the penalty box? they sent you there after you chockabitch. Let me tell you something. if I played hockey, they would call me penalty Box Jones. because that's where I would be the whole game. Ladies and gentlemen, the American team is bringing in penalty Box Jones. Oh, my God! can she do that? she doesn't even have on skates! Is that legal? Colin, I love hockey. great. that's wonderful.
And the women are better than the men. that's right. I said it. I said it. they won the gold medal on a shootout. And this woman who did a straight pop-lock move was like, clap, clap, clap, clap.
I was like, yeah, I didn't know you could do that. I did not think that you'd be a hockey fan. you know, we should go sometime to a game. Oh, you like hockey, Snow Muffin? I actually played a little bit of hockey growing up. maybe I could teach you a couple of moves, you know? you are so white. and you sound pretty confident. I already got a friend who said she'd give me a few pointers.
Hey, Hillary. yeah! she just won the gold medal for the U.s. Women's hockey team. Yeah! Hi. hi, Hillary. congratulations. thank you.
I heard you played hockey growing up, and you're going to show us some moves. what? I mean, I played recreational. I don't think I could teach you anything.
I'd love to see something. Oh, I would love to see you try. I'd love to see you try.
So don't be talking about how you going to teach me something. I got friends who are gold medal Olympians. Okay. get it? yeah, I got it. do you call it? do you got it? I got it. Let me ask you a question. how about Hillary? Do this with me?
Who run the world? girls. That's right. Who run this mother? Girls. Yeah.
Hillary, tell Colin what I told you to tell him. Colin, use a bet.
Hillary Night and Leslie Jones, Everyone. you're watching Telemundo. Telemundo's coverage of the Olympic Games Live from Vancouver. I'm Maria Albanese. and I'm Jorge Cortez. This is the first time Telemundo has ever covered the Winter Olympics.
And we keep asking ourselves the same question. Why does anyone like the Winter Olympics? it is cold and the sports are silly. it is a mystery to everyone here at Telemundo. all these sports are on snow or ice. why would they do this? these are bad slippery surfaces. Plus, all the sports are either very strange or something you would do if you wanted to kill yourself. What a proud member of the Nbc Familia. we continue to broadcast this nonsense. let's go live to our own Rosa Martinez at the ski jump.
Hola, Rosa. where are you right now? I would say that I am in hell. but it is far too cold for that. So I must be at Whistler Mountain. Rosa, what is your favorite memory of these games? I would say the flight here. it was the last time I was born.
Well, your outfit is very cute. Gracias for that. but I feel I am slightly underdressed. I've lost some fingers.
Rosa, did you see any ski jumping? I did. and you're not going to believe this. take a look at this clip. it looks like he's doing fine. he's going very fast. very nice. lovely. where'd the ramp go? where's the ramp? Oh, no. oh, god, he's okay. thank goodness. Rosa, how did this happen? did they forget to finish building a ramp? You will Not believe this. the ramp was supposed to be like that. Okay, okay. it's local. you either finish building a ramp or you do not build it at all. This is the madness that happens when a country has no beaches.
Joining us now is Canadian Olympic Committee spokesman Ken Franzen. Hi, hello. I'm excited to answer some of your questions about the Olympics.
And we do have some beaches here. I'm sure they are very bad, bad beaches.
Now, you are from Canada, Yes? yes. So, my first question is, why have you not left this place? Oh, I don't understand. You know, was there a lottery that they decided who could leave, and then you lost the lottery, and this is why you're still here?
I like it here. with the snow and the ice, Did you know that there are places with sunshine and dancing? And not just ice dancing, fun dancing. with shoes and even bare feet.
Do you have any questions about the Olympic sports? No, no. we already know too much. Thank you, Ken Franzen. I do not like these Olympic games. we go out to our own Hector Lima at the Vancouver Olympic Centre with the latest in curling action. Hola, Hector. what is wrong? do you look upset?
See, I've been told that curling was like shuffleboard, a sport I like and understand. Ah, yes, yes, shuffleboard. I know this sport. Yes, I like this. you can play in the short sleeves with the drinks with the throws. I was excited to see it, But I have some very sad news. apparently, a water main has burst and flooded the shuffleboard court. And because it is so cold, the entire floor is frozen solid. they've been forced to play shuffleboard with their rocks.
What are they doing? I believe these poor men are trying to melt ice with their brooms. A sweeping and a sweeping, But it does no good.
So sad. so very, very sad. Well, I think we have a surprise that may cheer you up. No, nothing could cheer me up. don't look now, Hector, but I think Lilo Jefferson has a present for you.
No, Jefferson, no, go away. No, Now is Not the time. Olympic Showgirl is ruined. it's Tricot. Hi. Pobra Jefferson. that's my tricot. See, very sad sad news today from the Olympic Shuffleboard Center. when we return, more freezing insanity. I want to go home now.
Yeah, me too. some of them thought I was a transformer, but a transformer don't eat Korean barbecue like that. So you enjoyed the Winter Olympics. Man, I loved it, Colin, and I didn't think I would. until this year, honestly, I wasn't into the winter ones as much as the summer. But once I got to Korea, I fell in love with the events.
I mean, I got to see Jamie Anderson out there riding the hash pipe. I mean. I think it's actually. you don't know. shut up. shut up. you don't know. I'm pretty sure it's a half pipe. I'm the expert. it's a half pipe. whatever.
And did you like the bobsledding? Ooh, yes, lord, I sure love the bobsledders. that's me! Whoo! those thighs were so nice for my eyes.
But it turned out that my favorite event was hockey. How come nobody told me about hockey? it's violence on ice. they punching and checking bitches at 30 miles an hour. Ciao! And did you know they got this thing called the Penalty Box? they sent you there after you check a bitch. Let me tell you something. if I played hockey, they would call me Penalty Box Jones. because that's where I would be the whole game. Ladies and gentlemen, the American team is bringing in Penalty Box Jones. Oh, my God! can she do that? she doesn't even have on skates. Is that legal? Colin, I love hockey. great. that's wonderful.
And the women are better than the men. that's right. I said it. I said it. they wanted to go metal on a shootout. And this woman who did a straight pop-lock move was like, clow, clow, clow.
I was like, yeah, I didn't know you could do that. I did not think that you'd be a hockey fan. you know, we should go sometime to a game. Oh, you like hockey? Snow muffin? I actually played a little bit of hockey growing up. maybe I could teach you a couple of moves, you know? you is so white. and you sound pretty confident. I already got a friend who said she'd give me a few pointers. Hey, Hillary. yeah! she just won the gold medal for the U.s. women's hockey team. No! hi. hi, Hillary. congratulations. thank you. I heard you played hockey growing up, and you're going to show us some moves. what? I mean, I played recreational. I don't think I could teach you anything.
I'd love to see something. Oh, I would love to see you try. I'd love to see you try.
So don't be talking about how you going to teach me something. I got friends who are gold medal Olympians.
Okay. get it? Yeah, I got it. Do you, Colin? do you got it? Do you got it? Yes, I think I got it. Let me ask you a question.
Hillary, do this with me. Who run the world? Girls. That's right! Who run this mother? Girls. Yeah, Hillary, tell Colin what I told you to tell him. Colin, you's a bitch. that is a fact. Hillary Night And Leslie Jones, Everyone.
You're watching Telemundo. Back to Telemundo's coverage of the Olympic Games Live from Vancouver. I'm Maria Albanese. and I'm Jorge Cortez. This is the first time Telemundo has ever covered the Winter Olympics. and we keep asking ourselves the same question. Why does anyone like the Winter Olympics? It is cold and the sports are silly. it is a mystery to everyone here at Telemundo. all these sports are on snow or ice. why would they do this? these are bad, slippery surfaces. Plus, all the sports are either very strange or something you would do if you wanted to kill yourself. But as a proud member of the Nbc Familia, we continue to broadcast this nonsense.
Let's go live to our own Rosa Martinez at the ski jump. Hola, Rosa! where are you right now? I would say that I am in hell. but it is far too cold for that. So I must be at Whistler Mountain. Rosa, what is your favorite memory of these games? I would say the flight here. it was the last time I was born.
Well, your outfit is very cute. Gracias for that. but I feel I am slightly underdressed. I have lost some fingers.
Rosa, did you see any ski jumping? I did. and you're not going to believe this. take a look at this clip. it looks like he's doing fine. he's going very fast. very nice. lovely. where'd the ramp go? where's the ramp? Where's the ramp? Oh, no. oh, god, he's okay. Thank goodness. Rosa, how did this happen? did they forget to finish building a ramp? You will Not believe this. the ramp was supposed to be like that. Okay, okay. it's local. you either finished building a ramp or you do not build it at all.
This is the madness that happens when a country has no beaches. Joining us now is Canadian Olympic Committee spokesman Ken Franzen. Hi, hello. I'm excited to answer some of your questions about the Olympics, and we do have some beaches here. I'm sure they're very bad, bad beaches.
Now, you are from Canada, Yes? yes. So, my first question is, why have you not left this place? Oh, uh, I don't understand. you know, was there a lottery that decided who could leave, and then you lost the lottery, and this is why you're still here?
I like it here. with the snow and the ice, Do you know that there are places with sunshine and dancing? And not just ice dancing, fun dancing. with shoes and even bare feet.
Do you have any questions about the Olympic sports? No, no, we already know too much. Thank you, Ken Franzen. I do not like these Olympic games. we go to our own Hector Lima at the Vancouver Olympic Center with the latest in curling action.
Hola, Hector. what is wrong? Do you look upset?
See, I've been told that curling was like shuffleboard, a sport I like and understand. Ah, yes, yes, shuffleboard. I know this sport. Yes, I like this. you can play in the short sleeves with the drinks with the throws.
I was excited to see it, but I have some very sad news. apparently, a water main has burst and flooded the shuffleboard court. Magne de Dios! And because it's so cold, the entire floor is frozen solid. they've been forced to play shuffleboard with their rocks. What are they doing? I believe these poor men are trying to melt ice with their brooms. a sweeping and a sweeping, but it does no good. so sad. so very, very sad.
Well, I think we have a surprise that may cheer you up. No, nothing could cheer me up.
Don't look now, Hector, but I think Little Jefferson has a present for you. Oh, Jefferson, no, go away.
No, now is not the time. Olympic Shopper is ruined. it's Trajico. Hi. Pobra Jefferson, es mi trajico. See, very sad, sad news today from the Olympic Shuffleboard Center. when we return, more freezing insanity. I want to go home now. Yeah, me too. come on. thank you. |
CrackerMilk | never_ask_if_it_s_her_time_of_the_month | God, don't you just love sport? It's cool when they like, do that.
Connor, can you put the toilet seat down when you're finished, please? Yeah, sorry. And stop pissing all over the floor! It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Jeez, what are you on your period? What? Oh, I think Goob said so- Go on. Say it again, Connor. Say what? Sorry? Did you say I was on my period?
I didn't even know that girls could get- Is women's health a joke to you, Connor? Women's health is not a joke. Do you think it's funny that I bleed for a week straight once a month and don't die?
Hahahaha! That's so funny, is it, Connor? Um... Well how about I just duck off over to the kitchen and grab a knife and shove it into your abdomen, Connor? And give it a little twist. Every hour for fucking a week, Connor! Baby, I'm an ally to women across the globe.
Did you not listen in grade six science, Connor? Or do you need me to teach you a lesson? Well here's the lesson that you missed in school, Connor.
How about you log up your dirty hole? But don't leave it in too long, because you'll get toxic shock.
Oh. But I do need a pack of tamps, so if you could just head down to the shop. That'd be great, darl! Oh! Ah! Leave it in! Hey guys.
We've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. Yeah, the Crock-A-Mole podcast. It's on a separate other channel called the Crock-A-Mole podcast.
Are you drunk? So you can go and check that out over there. Are you drunk? No, dude, I'm not drunk. Paint doesn't make you drunk. You've been drinking paint? Yeah. You guys, you guys got any paint? |
TheOnion | AA_Destroying_The_Social_Lives_Of_Thousands_Of_Once_Fun_Americans | I'm Juliana McKenna, filling in for Clifford Banes, who is slowly counting backwards from 100. Every year, thousands of Americans join Alcoholics Anonymous and have their personalities destroyed as a result. Should we be doing more to warn people about the dangers of joining AA? Well, it's time we did something. Every year, AA takes countless fun, sociable people and turns them into boring, sanctimonious husks of their former selves.
That is so true. You know, most people can handle sobriety responsibly. They can go to a party, not have a drink and be fine, but for people in AA, as soon as they get around alcohol, they start talking about their constant struggle with their disease and their need to find clarity. My father was in AA and I can still remember the terror that I felt when I'd hear his key in the door after a late night meeting, afraid that he'd want to wake me up and apologize to me for his faults as a father for hours on end.
That is just awesome. Now, hold on.
I've been very open about my membership in AA, so I read books on sobriety and go to meetings and community centers and drink coffee with strangers late at night. Look, it's hard not to be resentful of AA when that person who's always been the life of your birthday party, all of a sudden is leaving the party before karaoke even starts. If you know somebody who's in AA and you see them at a bar or at a party, confront them.
Yes. You know, what's in your cup? What's the matter?
Why aren't you drinking? We don't need your help. Look, I used to have a very close friend, but he gave up drinking and now he won't even answer the phone when I call screaming incoherently at 2 a.m. just to sing Rolling Stone songs like we used to do at the bar after work right across the street. Look, my AA isn't a problem. I do not let it affect my home or my work life.
So how does this feel? No idea.
Every one of us. We can't sit here anymore and listen to you becoming more and more smug and self-satisfied. No, I need AA. I can't get through the week without it. David, we have a video we'd like to show you. It's time. I'm not the same man I married, David. I can't even have a sip of wine without you sighing loudly. David, you have a problem. You are obnoxious. I didn't realize that my sobriety was hurting my family. Well, it is, David. Hurting all of us.
David, take this. It's going to be okay. Come on. You can do it. You know you want to, David. Mm-hmm. Attaboy, David! There you go.
Yay! Cheers!
What? Hahahaha! |
cracked | the_fake_military_operation_that_won_ww2 | In 1944, the Nazis held fortress Europe in their iron fist. The Allies aimed to smash their fist by invading at Normandy, and they safeguarded their D-Day operation with the mightiest fake invasion force ever assembled. Because as Winston Churchill said, in wartime, Whoop is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies. First proposed at the Allies' 1943 Tehran Conference, Operation Bodyguard befuddled the Nazis in awesomely theatrical ways. Double agents and fake radio transmissions made everywhere from Norway to Crete seem like the invasion target. And nothing tricked those Dagon Nazis better than the planned invasion of Pa de Calais, which is a French place far northeast of Normandy. The first US Army group, or FUSAG, was stationed in England under the command of fearsome American general George S. Patton. And it was completely fictional. The Allies used Patton's reputation, a barrage of fake radio chatter, and a massive buildup of inflatable tanks, planes, and other weapons to trick Germany into thinking Normandy wasn't their target. They even kept up this ruse on D-Day. Allied bombers dropped strips of aluminum on Pa de Calais, fooling German radar into thinking a whole fleet was approaching it.
So even as the real Allied forces took control of Normandy, Hitler refused to send in his reinforcements. Which let the Allies succeed on D-Day, push the Nazis out of Western Europe, and leave nothing more to be said but this.
By God we fooled them, didn't we? |
cracked | why_netflix_needs_to_stop_listening_to_the_internet | Hey, it's me Flixie the Netflix guy from those popular Netflix commercials I'm here to talk to you about something that Netflix doesn't want me to so let me take off my Flixie cap and now I'm just Cody Johnston The actor who plays Flixie and I want to say hello for the love of God Please shut up about all stupid shit you used to love when you were stupid kid. No offense kids everywhere Forever, but you're kind of stupid and Netflix is actually listening to you now and trying to capture your nostalgia in a bottle But you don't actually know what you want I mean you're the ones who got the Disney Channel to bring back boy meets world for some reason when this Yes, you loved boy meets world because it was for ages 7 to 14 and 7 to 14 year olds Stupid and they like shows like boy meets world like these shows He is so hot I've decided to be a girl and see what it's really like Cory's in the house Wow But do you really want it again now for whom you know what fuck it for who it's been 15 years So the 7 to 14 year old fans are now between 22 and 29 years old and the show's definitely not for 22 or 29 year Olds, so is girl meets world for the fans kids Well the average age of first-time mothers is about 26 So the average bewilder's child is between none and six, but the show's not for six year olds It's for seven to fourteen year olds again So is girl meets world just for like aunts and uncles to recommend to the children of people who always thought boy meets world Was kind of dumb and for kids hey your parents hated it But watch this brand new thing that I used to like I certainly won't now though as an adult Why would I I just don't I like if if you wanted to make a show about a girl growing up ages 7 to 14 Great cool, but why? Also this Whatever shows doing fine apparently someone's watching it. Oh right spoiler alert the new shows already aired a fucking year ago Yeah, despite the fact of the internet when cuckoo papayas when girl meets world was announced I bet you probably didn't know that it's already aired For a year because nobody actually cared They just liked the idea of a boy meets world sequel, and they're making new X files now too again, so That and now Netflix is making fuller house. Sorry actually. This is the part they do want me to say Hey, it's me Flixi the Netflix guy and I'm here to tell you the Netflix is proud to announce Fuller house a show about pregnant widow DJ Tanner living in San Francisco with her two other children who have been born already she needs help with the kids so in moves her sister Stephanie a musician now and her fucking clown of a best friend Kimmy Gibbler So you know the same amount of full as the previous house also John Stamos will be playing Nikki and Alex now all of that Was true except the Nikki and Alex part Stamos looks far too young to play either of them But the rest is true aka. It's the exact same premise aka Come on Netflix used to use hard data or at least originality to create shows We made house of cards based on an algorithm that determined people watched and completed David Fincher movies rated Kevin Spacey movies Consistently high and really liked the British house of cards made it orange is the new black because it was original and interesting Not because it was from the 90s and you can loved it, but this Fuller house isn't based on data or originality Because no data shows people are clamoring to watch the original full house or that they're rating five stars on all of Candace Karen's films here are some of those You will not remember the titles of them, but pretty much just as full house is instead based on the like General vibe of internet culture good idea.
Here's some examples of that Oh Rain is water. That's crazy. Yes, you asked for it.
So sit there and enjoy it because there will be more After absolutely there will be a say by the bell something or other will be giving you, California dreamy You're in Rocco's postmodern life and Clarissa explains like more of it, but we won't stop there We're gonna make freakier and geekier We're going to make Mitch Hurwitz spend the rest of his career wrangling actors and writing our development seasons And don't involve them all together instead of doing some other thing the brilliant and talented Mitch Hurwitz might want to do with his life We're going to make mash again And we're going to make everybody's still loving Raymond and I'm actually not supposed to tell you this But in a couple of years Netflix is going to force Joss Whedon to make more firefly and that'll be fucking weird Cuz we'll be dead or it'll be a prequel and who wants either of those things stupid kids is Who? We're also gonna bring back family guy after whenever they cancel it again But a fun flicksy style twist this time each cutaway joke will be a full two-hour production of classic musicals, but only because of this Hey, thanks for watching me talk Be sure to subscribe to our channel and like the video and leave a comment on what shows you would actually want to watch There's some I mentioned where I'm like I would actually kind of be into that actually a little Interested in what Fuller house is gonna be like stainless is gonna come back. That's gonna be really cool. I assume like Their whole gang eventually an episode |
dropout | eat_mayo_wherever_you_go | Why eat yogurt in a tube? Or applesauce in a pouch?
When you can have MEGO, the radical new way to eat mayo. Just one squeeze slams a blast of viscous mayonnaise straight to the back of your throat. And MEGO's fun, transparent packaging means you can watch every ounce of mayo get slurped and glurped in real time. My mornings are busy, so I don't always have time to sit and enjoy a proper bowl of mayonnaise. But with MEGO, I can hork a glob of oily goodness straight onto my uvula while running to work. Thanks, MEGO. And with MEGO's all-natural ingredients, I know I'm choking down the best. Raw eggs, 4 cups of canola oil, and no B.S. And there's no end to the ways to enjoy mayo. Add a chaser of dry tuna to make personal tuna mouth salad. Or try wide-gulp MEGO to turn your snack into a hearty meal. Tug MEGO in 3 exciting flavors.
And coming soon, goat is cheese. It's lumpy. Hey, it's Mike Trapp.
If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of adding guac to two burritos, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live in the Dropout Discord. And get exclusive content like WTF 101. Sign up for your free trial today and learn why critics are saying, Who are you? Why are you in my house? What the hell is Dropout?
Get out. I'm calling the cops. |
cracked | why_everyone_wants_to_have_sex_with_vampires_after_hours | Super strength, super dexterity, and super intelligence. A girl he refuses to be with for her own protection. An overwhelming sense of guilt and a moral obligation to help humanity.
Great. Then we all agree.
Edward Cullen would be a better Spider-Man than Peter Parker.
This is stupid. I'm sorry. What's that, Dan? I said this is stupid. That's weird.
I thought you didn't want to talk about vampires. No. I said I didn't want to talk about Twilight. Dracula, Nosferatu, the Vampyr. Those are vampires, and I will discuss those vampires dust till dawn. It was not intentional. Dan, you can't pretend that modern vampires don't exist. Aren't you the least bit curious why they disappeared from horror movies and started appearing in teen dramas? No. Because, Daniel, at some point, we stopped wanting to slay vampires and started wanting to, you know, brush our fingers across their glimmering torsos until our tender womanhood aches with the temptation. Twilight, The Vampyr Diaries, Being Human.
Who are all these series geared toward? Teenagers and people with the mental capacity of same. Teenage girls.
Vampires are pale, misunderstood kids who are too scared to bone each other because of the consequences. Vampires have become the go-to metaphor for how we all felt about sex when we were 13. Granted, my understanding of sex as a 13-year-old was less than accurate. But I never pictured it as biting anyone or draining anyone's blood.
Poor, misguided Daniel. Not literally, but there are weird, horrifying body parts to deal with, an unquenchable hunger, and the fluids? Like killing an oyster with your fist. It's a pretty horrifying prospect for a kid. It's a pretty horrifying prospect now.
Horny vampires are a great way to take all that angst and wrap it up in a nice little bow so kids can handle it. Plus, it's the only legal way outside of Disney boy bands to discuss teen sex. Take Twilight. Edward is in love with a mortal girl.
But as much as he wants to tear into her, he stops himself because he'll ruin her. As bad as they both wanted, he doesn't want to make her bleed.
Dan, I want to apologize for forcing you into this conversation. Thank you. I can't.
But the point of vampireism isn't coming to terms with the awkwardness of sex, it's about escaping it. And what's the most valuable power that a vampire could offer a teenager?
Flight, and a great complexion. Strength and dexterity. Two cardinal B and D traits. I'm gonna stick with the blood sass. It's immortality.
And think about puberty. You went through these just awful changes and you gained all these responsibilities and weight.
Bullshit you did. No, not me. You, you all, I said you. Got it.
Imagine that you could suddenly just stay young forever. All those problems that you had, they just disappear. No more responsibility, no more weird body smells, no more growing old. You can just be a young, cool, flying outcast forever. It's like Neverland.
Except if the Lost Boys sucked Wendy's blood. No, the Lost Boys. One of the first vampire team movies and they got it exactly right. It's just taking reckless youth to its logical conclusion. Fang nocturnal monsters.
But that stuff doesn't matter like it used to. It's been a notoriously bad decade for bullies. I mean, Twilight should have been popular in the 80s or 90s, but not now. Maybe it's not just about popularity and puberty.
Pops and pubes. Pops and pubes, thank you.
Maybe the future looks bleak to these kids for bigger reasons. Right. You didn't let me explain how vampirism is like syphilis. No, Jesus, no. I mean, this is a whole generation of teenagers who spent their entire lives hearing about how terrible humanity is for the Earth. The world is going to end very soon and it's all our fault because we took advantage of it. In every series, vampires just wanna peacefully coexist and fit in, but just by existing, they destroy. Suddenly, all of these guilt-ridden teenagers stop running away from vampires and they start to sympathize with them. How vampire-ronic. Sucks to be them.
All right, you know what? I'm outta here. You three grown men have fun discussing Twilight. Oh, by the way.
But aren't there also bad vampires in all these series? Yeah, well, that's better because now the kids have context. Okay, so yes, they're part of something awful, but at least they're not as bad as the really evil vampires that recklessly consume. It first gives them a tangible way to process their guilt, but then lets them know that they're not the worst ones out there.
Did I do it? Did I win? Ha ha, I am legend! That was also not intentional.
Are there really good and bad vampires in Twilight? I thought it was like a possessed car or something. Wait a minute, has anyone here, other than me, actually seen Twilight?
Fuck you guys. Fuck you too.
Did you get that email? No. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_phil_donahue_on_tirades_saturday_night_live | Daytime Tv talk shows have come under fire recently, with even former Secretary William Bennett attacking them for their vulgarity and celebration of deviant behavior here with a comment, now is Phil Donahue Phil Well, it has finally happened. The Sally Jessie Raphael show has replaced Donahue in several major markets including New York, leaving many of us not a little unconcerned about where we are headed as a society. Joe Average is sitting there with his beard, he's got his remote control, and he's watching Sally, Jessie Raphael and Jerry Springer and Richard Bay and Jenny Jones. And I mean Hard Copy and Current Affair and American Gladiators and Charlie's Angels Bionic Woman and you know.
Meanwhile, Meanwhile, we've got a Republican Congress and the Generals in the Pentagon are building B1 bombers and flag is flying everywhere. It's the 4th of July and Mom and Dad and Yankee Doodle. I'm a Yankee Doodle, Dandy and God's in his heaven. Always right with the world. And meanwhile, Blacks can't register. the Cuban missiles are pointed at our shores and ketchup is a vegetable. Phil.
I don't think you can blame all that stuff on the Sally Jessie Raphael. A show I norm you Republicans. you whine more than anyone I have ever seen. I mean, come on, they're up there in their ivory towers with their Cadillacs and riding mowers and your big-screen Tvs. and you're watching Sally Jessie Raphael. If you cannot stand the heat, My Dear Good man, get out of the kitchen.
Call her. Are you there? Whoa, whoa, whoa. we're taking calls. Is the caller there high?
Phil. This is Sally Jessie. I just want you to know that I'm an admirer of yours and I hope they're no hard feelings, but I mean color, Are you not being more than a little? Unpatronizing.
We started Donahue and Dayton, Ohio in I'm sorry Phil. that's my other line. hang on. I hate that call waiting, huh? it is more than a little annoying. I'm sorry Phil. Look, I'm gonna have to take this call. are you gonna be there for a while?
No, no no, he won't be here. No, I guess not. no, he's gotta go.
Well, anyway, keep your chin up. What a bitch. |
dropout | if_tag_were_as_complicated_as_german_board_games_all_nighter | College Humor's All-Nighter! Wow. Look how much space there is when everyone's gone.
Yeah. Hey, we should play tag. Oh, yeah. No, no, we should play German tag. Whoa, what's that? Guys, it's the best game ever. Germany knows how to do games. Catan, Carcassonne, Puerto Rico. Alright, let's do it.
Why do we need a box? So you don't lose all the pieces.
This is tag, right? Like one person tags the other person and then they're it?
Yeah, yeah, it's just like that. No, there's a few additional rules. Oh, no. Alright, let me just see. Oh. Okay. You know what? I'm sure we can figure it out. Yeah.
I'm it! Tag, you're it! Alright, yay!
Now you get one of these. What is this? This is a token so you can keep track of your victory points. The object of the game is to accumulate victory points by tagging people, earning style tokens when you have a particularly impressive tag or building settlements. Okay, cool.
But Zach's it, right? Yeah, Zach is still it.
But what you need to know is that you can also trade in your style tokens for special ability cards. Now, these will not go towards your victory points, but they will give you a general advantage during regular gameplay. Shrek, we just kind of went like a fun game to blow off steam. Yeah, that's what this is.
I want to give you three roll cards. I want you to choose one and discard the other two. Don't show anyone your roll card, alright? You need to keep this secret. Unless the person who asks you has the philosopher roll, then you have to show him.
Okay, I'm sure we can just figure it out as we go. Okay, one more thing, one more thing. If you are it, you do have to have the it placard on you at all times. And I think that should do it if you just want to get started. Okay, fine, go. Gotcha. Oh, not so fast.
I counter with my pitchfork ability. What? Now Caldwell's end. How does that make any sense? Guys, I tried to explain this to you. Look, every turn is divided into seven phases. Run, trade, counter, giggle, tag, untag, and cower. Now if the person who tagged you doesn't untag or cower, then you have the ability to use your pitchfork card and counter the tag. Then you compare everyone's evasion score and whoever has the lowest is it. That's you, Caldwell.
I just wanted to run around, okay? Why don't Caldwell and I just plan a team to start and then we can figure it out together? Yeah, oh, that's a great idea. Oh, but if we play with teams, we'll have to use the alternate rules. So let me just look those up on the forums.
Oh, God. This game sucks. Hey, come on. Look, you're not even giving it a fair shot.
Can we just play taboo? Oh, I love taboo. Taboo, guys, come on. This won Funful Stuff's Game of the Year award. It's a masterpiece of strategy. Yeah, but we already know how to play taboo.
Exactly. No. Trap, why is this so important to you? This is how I prove I'm better than you.
Okay, now it says that we need to divide into five teams of 13. 13? |
ClickHole | watch_these_businessmen_talk_about_the_first_time_they_ever_put_on_a_suit | The first time I tried on a suit was the day my father died. He was a businessman, too, and when I was eight years old, his heart exploded because he thought about football too hard. While we were waiting for the garbage truck to come take his body away, my mom gave me a letter that he had written for me in the event of his death. It said, Dear Tyler, you're the man of the house now, and it's important that you dress the part. Go put on my suit, and don't take it off for the rest of your life. P.S. Don't worry about taping Hogan's Heroes for me anymore, since I'm a ghoul now. After reading the letter, I went inside and put on the suit. It was baggy as hell, and it smelled like the aftershave my dad would wear to vacuum the garage. I liked how powerful it made me feel, and I've been a suit guy ever since. I avoided wearing a suit for a long time, because I had heard that the pants felt soft and slippery against your penis skin. Then one day I ran into Luther Vandross on the street and said to him, Mr. Vandross, I'm afraid of suit pants being slippery on my penis skin, and Luther Vandross said, I thought you might say that, and handed me a pair of boxer shorts lined with sandpaper. I put them on under some suit pants I stole from a weatherman, and they scraped my penis, just as if I was wearing my usual blue jeans. After that, I put on the rest of my suit and haven't taken it off ever since.
One night, when I was sixteen, I woke up at two in the morning, and both my grandfathers were at the foot of my bed, stuffing my clothes into the mouth of a giant python. I asked them what they were doing, and they said that they were giving my clothes to Romulus. I said okay, and went back to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, sitting on my bed was a gift wrap box and a letter from my grandfathers telling me that they bought me some business clothes because they hated my old clothes, and also they would never see me again because they were breaking off from the family to start a new life in Seattle with Romulus.
I opened up the gift box, and sure enough, there was a beautiful gray suit. I put it on and felt instantly like a powerful businessman. I was so happy I ran into the living room and suplexed my mom. It was the best day of my life. |
dropout | invasion_talk | Welcome to Invasion Talk. I'm Patrick, I'm Streeter, and today we'll be talking with a real alien expert, asking him the questions you've always pondered about the extraterrestrial, the out of this world, the not totally comprehensible and everyday experience. How do you feel like running out of stuff to save? Please welcome our guest, Jeff Gonzalez from the Sanger Paranormal Society. Jeff, thanks for being here. Thanks for inviting me.
I thought of two more. We don't have time, though.
So, Jeff, how do you know so much about aliens? I have been out in the field, and we have all kinds of stuff happening where I live. All kinds of stuff like abductions, landings. It'd be a really boring start if you were like, no, we just have like block parties every week. Yeah, they're ripping up the highway and rebuilding it, right? I've actually had people tell me that they see a craft, and all of a sudden it's gone, and all of a sudden it reappears, but it's like going in and out of invisible.
Yeah, that's the guy who has never driven stick before, and he's like, hold on, hold on. I said I got it, okay? I'm learning. I got it.
What movie or TV show has had the most realistic depiction of aliens that you've seen so far? X-Bowl. That's awesome. I love that show. You've been saying that forever. X-Bowl. X-Bowl is the reason why I'm here today.
Me too, for very different reasons, because I just wanted to hook up with Jillian Anderson, so I thought working in the entertainment industry would do that. Okay, well, you're on the internet, but, you know. That's fine.
Do they wear clothes, like in the videos and stuff? If you look at the Nightcrawler video from Fresno, they actually have capes. You're saying aliens are douchebags? So maybe they just have horrible taste, you know?
Oh, yeah, yeah. They're like, we've come to take your greatest thing, Chad Kroger, capes, fedoras. Bring all your PT cruisers to the craft. They can have them.
But maybe they'd look at, like, the pyramids or something and be like, whoa. Well, now that you mentioned the pyramid, you know, ancient ruins, to this day, we still don't know how they were made. Well, Jewish slaves.
What you guys think you guys know, you guys, no clue, man. I know that I don't know anything. Because you have to understand, I have military personnel coming to me and telling me what is really going on out there. You know less than you've been thinking about. No, maybe. I work on the internet. You still don't know. What don't I know? What's the biggest thing I don't know? What do you know? I know stuff you don't know.
You're, like, like a four-year-old. Yeah, yeah. Stop being a little kid. Just tell me what you know.
Our government, I believe it was last year, two years ago, assigned somebody from the White House to be the first contact when they do land. Biden. Biden?
You guys want a beard? I want to talk about having sex with aliens and the possibility of that. Why do you want to talk about that?
I'm just curious.
That's all. Dude, what? Actually, theories are out there that they are inbreeding. Interplanetary. Yeah, and making a superb being of some type. Oh, cool. They're, like, making a new kind of dog. Who does?
I want to be, like, the heroic scientist who, like, volunteers to do that. I will guess I will have, for my country and for the progress of science, I will. I'll put in that lizard face. I will pork this gray. This is where all this dirt bag scientist is like, Yeah, I'll do it.
Why did it take so much? Yeah, I wish, yeah. You would truly hear. God. Name's Tyler. I'm a scientist. John Camaro.
Oh, yeah. Two feet tall, all right. All right. Yes, please.
It's going to look huge. Tyler, out. I did it. Some people theorize that there is life out there, but it's a single-celled organism that will take back billions of years to evolve into something, but, you know, it's really out there. So I just want to know what your thoughts on the lameness of that are. Lame. That's all for Invasion Talk.
I'd like to thank our guest, Jeff Gonzalez, for being with us. Jeff, thank you so much. And to any beings who may be listening out there in the cosmos, please visit the following kids who bullied me in high school for believing in you. |
dropout | bragging_that_you_did_a_nice_thing | I'm going to the zoo this weekend. Well, Ali, you're here early.
We don't need another half an hour ride. Yeah. I gave them a ride. You know, Ali. Can I please have a ride? Only if it's not too much trouble.
Why did you say that? Well, I forgot already. I was very nice to you in giving you a ride into work just now. I know, but you feel the need to tell everyone that you helped me. I never would have taken you up on your... Offer? Just giving you a little hand there. I just helped Ali finish their sentence. She's a little nosy. I didn't even need help that time.
Okay. You know what? It's fine.
I realized that most people would want to... I don't know. Thank you. Like, write about now. But me, I've just never really been like that. Oh, God.
For me, personally, it's more about, like, I don't need the credit just because I've done something very, very, very, very, very nice for somebody. Just as long as everybody knows what I did. I never want help from you again.
Not a big deal. I know. No big deal? You're making it a big deal. Okay. What do you want me to do? All right? Tell everyone. Hello, everyone. Me, Raphael Chestang helped pull Ali Beardsley from their lowly depths by giving them a ride. No big deal. I will be taking the bus home today. Yeah.
With the five dollars I gave you. What five dollars?
These are rap bucks. And there's only two of them.
You're welcome. They're welcome.
Okay, look. You started out trying to do something nice, but then you felt the need to publicly chastise me to the point where it wasn't even a favor anymore, okay? This is a burden on me now. Okay. I'm sorry.
What are you looking for? Nothing.
I got your laptop charger. It's fine. You can take my charger. No. Just take my charger. No. Just take the charger. Thank you. No. It's not a big deal. Just take the charger. No. Take the charger. Take the charger, Ally.
Thank you. Ally Beardsley? Yes.
You're under arrest for downloading lewd photos of pandas from the internet.
It's nothing. It's not what you think.
No. Yeah, yeah. Save your whining, huh? Now, did you have any help? No. Wow. Uh... No.
Sir, I don't really have a call. Ally is embarrassed to admit that they needed my help, but they could not have done that without me.
Okay, then. You're coming with me, too. Let's go. Get up. Come on, Ally. Look at your handcuffs.
Let me help. Both of you stop. Hey, just let me off to it. Let me help.
That's my job. Okay. Hey, that's enough. I'm calm. And that is a chest-thang promise, which is almost as good as a real promise. |
SaturdayNightLive | yankee_swap_snl | Okay, so Gregory got the portable net fan and Lana got the peanut brittle, which she swapped to Casey for the hand cream. sorry, that brittle looks so yummy. it's just with my kids for a no-nut household. I get it. I'm allergic to bees, so if any of those presents is a box of bees, do not swap with me. right, I doubt anyone wrapped up a box of bees, but you never know, that's a funny yankee swap. So next up is Landon.
Oh, me? um, cool. how about this one right here? Oh, whoa, what is this? it's a Boogie-woogie Santa Claus. check him out. it's the Boogie-woogie Santa and I'm coming down to give you the night. Oh, whoa! that was fun. Wow, who knew Santa could be so cool? Not this guy. So, uh, Landon, are you gonna keep the Boogie-woogie Santa or swap it out? Um, are you kidding me? this thing rocks. great. awesome.
Okay. next up is Winston. oh, my turn? okay, then. uh, how about. wait, wait. Winston. maybe, um, maybe open this. this?
Oh, wow. okay. congratulations. you have been enrolled in Vertex Pharmaceuticals and Crispr Therapeutics Exocel program for Sickle cell Anemia. Is this a new treatment? it's not a treatment. it's a cure. the Fda just approved Xsl this week, but there's a two-year waiting list. And, uh, Winston, we've been working together for eight years and I always hated to see you in such pain, So, um, you know, Merry Christmas.
Oh, my god, Brenda, how did you do this? My wife is a big-wig at Crispr, so I had to ask her. Amazing. this is. I don't even know what to say.
Merry Christmas. let's go swap this out for that Boogie Woogie Santa. it's like he's some sort of Boogie Woogie Santa or something. Well, yeah, he says that in the song. Winston, Brenda went to great lengths to. no, no, no. it's okay. that's how Yankee Swap works. So, yeah, now Gregory has the portable neck fan, Lana's got that peanut brittle, Casey has the ham cream, Winston has the Boogie Woogie Santa, and Landon has the brand new cure for sickle cell anemia. but I don't even have some. it's fine. it's fine. maybe someone in your family could use it? doubt it. my whole family's white. it's fine. let's just move on to the next gift. Michelle, it's your turn. Oh, me? well, all right. what in the world is this? it's a tortilla blanket. you can wrap yourself up and look like a little burrito. Well, ain't that something, Gregory? I love it. But I think I'm going to make a trade. Because, Brenda, someone in my family does have Sickle Cell. it's my mom. and it's been terrible. she's in pain all the time. she has kidney problems. and I just always wanted to make things better for her. And now, after all these years, I can make her smile. with this Boogie Woogie Santa. it's a trip. She is going to love it.
And Winston, you can get the tortilla blanket. Oh, come on. don't do that to Winston.
Oh, you know what? I just remember something. we're actually playing Yankee Double Swap. so anyone who gets swapped out can swap again. So Landon, didn't you get swapped? me? Oh, I did, yeah. that's right. So, Winston, I've still got the Sickle cell cure right here. I guess I'll go ahead and swap it for your. Hey, look at me.
I'm a little burrito. hold on. I'm so cozy. you know what? it's fine. he's happy. It's Christmas. let's all Boogie Woogie. it's Boogie Woogie Santa and I'll come around and give it a night. |
Wizards_with_Guns | after_the_quiplash_game_ | David, David, first place in all three rounds. You've got to be feeling pretty good right now. Yeah, I did my best, you know. I came straight out the gate with cum for both answers of the first round. Got a couple of clip lashes there, followed by some total gibberish in the second. And I admit, it came pretty close when I couldn't figure out how to spell diarrhea fast enough for the third. So I just went with cum again and won the whole damn thing. Incredible job. What was your strategy going into this?
I mean, I didn't know gibberish was allowed. I thought gibberish wasn't allowed.
But I clearly miscalculated the group. I thought they'd be more into like high brow intellectual humor or at least something remotely relevant to the prompt. Is that why for what's the craziest pizza topping, you answered dead babies? I mean, I guess I have like a dark sense of humor like that, like I'm kind of twisted like that. I mean, there's just a certain level you have to be on to actually realize how funny that actually is. I mean, if I knew this was like a pun and cum group, I could have easily had it.
But I only knew Dylan. And Dylan is funny like me, so.
Momo, are you at all worried when you submitted your answer for what does Dracula have in his fridge? No, no, not at all.
I mean, penis with an n-yay. I mean, that's just funny. I mean, on one hand, you know, you got penis. That's tried and true. Then everyone hears penis when they read it. So I mean, that's just really funny. Amazing performance.
Riguez, do you disagree? I mean, I feel like the only reason penis with an n-yay beat something objectively clever like my answer was because I laugh a little too early and everyone knew that one was mine and their votes were biased because it was mine. Are you referring to when you answered the Holocaust? We have time for one more question. David, David, did you know it was gonna be the funniest answer of the night when you wrote Penis 2, Electric Boogaloo? I mean, that's tough to say, you know, because on one hand, you got penis. Can I say something?
Cars Against Humanity is a better game. Yes, it is, because it sucks.
Creative comedy comes from limitations. Something random is so funny.
Okay, what do you want me to say? Diarrhea burgers? Or... Cum... Burgers? That's actually pretty funny. I know. What do you want me to say? Diarrhea burger? I'm sorry. Or... Cum burgers? Or... Ready, ready, ready, ready? |
cracked | how_to_drive_like_an_asshole | Okay, good. And don't set your GPS yet and you'll have plenty of time for that on the road. Barely look and pull out.
Now, that asshole just pulled up right in front of you. What an asshole. Throw your hands up in the air like you just can't even believe it happened.
Yes, like that. And wait a few more seconds. No, like too many seconds. And you can honk now. Great.
Okay, you're going to turn right up ahead, but you do not need to use your turn signal. You know you're going to turn. What other point is there to a turn signal? That car's slowing down, but there's no turn signal. So maybe you can go. Jerk forward, then inch out until you're sitting halfway into the lane perpendicular to you. Switch on your turn signal at the last second. Now turn.
You forgot to text your buddy Doug about something. Anything. So dig your phone out of the front pocket of your jeans. Hurry up, you asshole. Okay, got it. You're the first car in a line waiting to turn left on a green arrow. So this is the perfect time to check your email or really just do whatever. Pick any task.
The arrow has only been green for literally half a second. So go ahead and honk that horn. No, not like beep beep to alert the person.
But like, yeah, that's it.
Okay, you forgot to set your GPS. So unlock your phone.
Go to your email. Do a search for a message with birthday in the subject. Find the address. Copy it. Open your navigation app. Paste the address.
Click go or start and continue driving. Okay, now that you're on the highway, get in the left lane, I guess. It doesn't really matter. Each lane is the same and has the same rules. So like, the guy to your right is going that fast. So just match the speed of that guy. Throw your hands into the air like you just can't even believe it right now. Then honk, but not like a beep beep to alert the other driver. Like, yes, exactly yes.
Now, pass them as fast as you can. Slow down. Much slower than you were. Okay, speed up. The person up ahead has indicated that they want to join your lane. Slowing down will let them merge now. And speeding up will let them merge a few seconds from now. So just maintain your current speed.
Okay, just cut him off. That's your exit.
Throw your hands into the air like you just can't even believe it happened.
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TheOnion | Facebook_Twitter_Revolutionizing_How_Parents_Stalk_Their_College_Aged_Kids | It's back to school season and for a lot of you out there that means kids going back to college right the networking website Facebook is a great tool to help you keep in constant contact with your grown kid and here to show us how it all works It's today now zone e-mom Gloria Bianca Heard the term Facebook that we may not know that you can use it to keep tabs on your children's personal lives even when They're far away from home. You can you're gonna love this It's so easy All you do is create a profile and search for your son or daughter's name and add them to your list of friends Within minutes you can be writing on their wall I write to my son Jeffrey about five or six times per day He must love being able to stay in touch with his mom like that It's a great way to remind him to take his psoriasis medication or just to tell him how much I love my little Jeff That is really great. I love about Facebook is all the photos. That's my favorite part, too I look through all of my son Jeffrey's photos every single day another person here I can see that he's with this young woman with the low-cut shirt showing a lot of skin They're having a lot of fun girls like that like to have fun now see here with the Facebook feature called Tagging I can find out she is Jenny Longman just by scrolling over her Now Facebook won't let me see her entire profile But I can get a good enough idea of what she's like just by looking at this trampy picture The other great thing about tagging is that you can see pictures of your kids posted by any of their other friends Now see here Here's a picture of my son at an event Entitled Jenny's blazing rager dusk till dawn and here's that young woman Jenny Longman again look at that now Here's my favorite side of all Twitter. It allows you to virtually follow your son or daughter's every move You can hear their every thought.
It's like a dream come true.
Here's my page You just pick a name that's very common and after it you add the year your son or daughter was born And they'll think it's somebody that they graduated with who you can send the messages all day long They won't even complain about it Just make sure that you spell everything wrong and swear a lot and sometimes your child will even respond to you It is great because if you're thinking of driving up to your son or daughter's college some night just to watch them through the window You'll know if they're around or not, right? But if your son says he's gonna go off snowboarding for the weekend with someone named Jenny You can send her a message Warning her to keep her slut hands off your son unless she wants to find herself in some pretty big trouble So now the only excuse for not knowing every detail of your child's life is having a life of your own Gloria Thank you so much for being with us again Okay, and now get your glasses ready because we're gonna interview a war widow in 3d get those glasses out |
TheOnion | Teacher_Who_Learns_More_From_Her_Students_Than_She_Teaches_Them_Fired | When I walk into this classroom, it's kind of like I'm the student, and they're the teacher. It's really something. Having made repeated claims that she learns more from her students than she could ever hope to teach them, Cincinnati area 10th grade chemistry teacher Jennifer Steenman was recently fired from her position at Jefferson High School, where the self-described lifelong learner failed to teach her students the school's basic science curriculum. These kids have had such an impact on my life. I just learned so much from them. And it sounds cliche, but you could almost say I got more out of it than they did.
I don't know what they did in there, but it couldn't have had much to do with 10th grade chemistry. I mean, Jennifer is obviously a very sweet person, but these kids need to walk out of here with some basic fundamental knowledge. They never even went over the periodic table. She has to teach these kids scientific nomenclature, not be their little buddy. Bray says Steenman's failure to meet the school's baseline expectations ultimately led to her termination, noting that consecutive meetings between Steenman and faculty administrators did nothing to improve her subpar performance as an educator. Several students were sad to learn of their teachers firing, though few were surprised to hear the news.
Mrs. Steenman was always really nice, but every time I'd stay after class to get help, she was kind of all over the place. One time she was just going on about how she hoped that I was as inspired by her as she was by me. Sometimes I just want to shake her and say, just teach us photosynthesis. Tell me about vectors. I mean, isn't that her job? |
cracked | how_to_become_a_famous_serial_killer_tales_to_get_scared_to | save your breath looks like we're gonna be here a while you don't know that no he's right no one will help you yo man what do you want I didn't tell him at the time but I'm in this to win this and I won't let them tear me down but my mom always said I'm a snowflake you can't tear down snowflakes they're too small you see little privacy please what are you doing I say that's private huh she was what's your name I was surprised at how nosy Ali was right off the bat I mean was she suspicious scheming I don't know I mean she seems cool but she better not stand in my way I guess it doesn't matter either way I'll kill her cuz I don't want to die we've all got family I'm the only person that she has oh shut up Ali I was definitely right about Ali so I was playing these mind games talking about her kid that's at home I mean is weird like if she's trying to be friends or something cuz I'm not here to make friends I'm here to kill everybody who are you talking to hey he's right there are cameras in the wall I feel pretty confident about this week I mean everybody doesn't seem as sharp as me kind of frazzled actually stop it this is not a reality show yeah take it from me those are a lot more fun oh snap your Brenda from hang in a house season three yo that's some weird shit though how was the hunk on season four of hunk fight I I was also on a reality show me too hey I'm Jamie I'm 25 I like skydiving I've been on food switch hotel horrors wonderful street challenge and more I also like having fun the fuck is food switch switch food okay so I feel like nobody's really focusing on getting free or giving each other so just okay maybe there's something near you that could help okay oh so like like a riddle challenge oh okay cool I got this oh there's something in here it's not a turd it's not a turd oh oh no so I guess I need to cut myself free and then stab everybody to death well wouldn't be a challenge if it wasn't challenging what box the box on the stool yeah okay there's nothing on the stool hey hey this one here anyone see it like it like a little black box not the one in the stool you made this one oh yeah kill yourself fine keep it I don't even care Star Wars nice I mean fine I don't even care about kill each other or die all right the challenge is your chain tangled no did you know I did I just yeah I measured Jamie Jamie can you reach the docks oh damn it okay okay just sit tight okay so I guess I'll just let you know this is deadly sins kind of thing that's stupid now it's not it's clever and clever oh so deadly sins and we're all from reality shows to what make like some dumb point about reality TV a really great point yeah cuz like so okay so Darren you're right cuz of that show you're on where you went to police stations and yelled at cops I didn't just yell at cops I improved their precincts made them more efficient I cleaned up a lot of you're the cop laughs that show what was the catchphrase you know I didn't just yell I didn't just yell I didn't see your Ralph I'm probably gluttony I did a lot of drugs until my season of don't let the door rehab you on the way out I cheated on my wife while I was in hang in the house I'm lust you swing hey stop doing your own you're not lust everyone I'm hanging a house just sat around doing nothing all day all right you sure took a lot of work to keep my affair secret all season long a creepy voice guy do me do me why don't you tell them why you went on hunk finder I mean it's like yo I don't really want the hunk me to be found if I love that I only did it so after the show I could do my penis to every woman across the country real talk lust then of course that prideful asshole Jill which brings us to Jamie the sixth and final deadly sin seven six there are seven man no there are six like the devil six six six six six sins seven slot rat lust pride and and greed and then be okay great well I'm gonna make friends good now greed is dead I mean you you heard all those shows he was on right so greedy you know being on all those shows what about me huh I'll be on show oh my god you loser you are the seventh sin vanity no no we just talked about you are envious of all of us because you want to be on a reality show are you kidding me I am on a reality show this the ultimate reality show and I your host I mean this would be a recap if anything the ultimate after this episode where does it even go the rest of the seasons just gonna be like a disgusting room filled with dead bodies show is great I'll kill you rath shut up are are you snacking I'm stress-eating this was crazy weak come on sounds like let me to me I know what it sounds like wrath again I'm just fine I'll put it away you're clearly still snacking how dare you wrath still and sloth sitting around watching reality TV all the time yeah you're kind of the embodiment of all the same good that's way better than just one pride that one's pride right okay I'm not sure kind of fun I hope he lets us go way too easy they're just like gone like I bought this thing this morning it was so easy to do got a real problem this country one second nothing what were you doing before I walked in here nothing masturbating oh I was mastering so good and that's not a mistake no that's uh I use that for mastery |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_british_museums_return_ghana_artifacts_disney_maternity_ward_rumor_snl | It's been rumored that Disney World has plans to install a maternity ward inside the Magic Kingdom so guests can give birth at the park. the only catch is Goofy gets to watch. that's not a deal breaker. a man in California was arrested after he went to a Planet Fitness, took off his clothes, and threatened people with a knife. which, to be fair, is the only way Planet Fitness lets you cancel your membership. the former President of the Spanish Soccer Federation is being charged with sexual assault for kissing a female player without her consent after the Women's World Cup. if convicted, she will be allowed one free kicking. that was a nice little word joke. a 99-year-old woman in Canada broke three World swimming records for her age class in the same day, until finally someone noticed she had fallen in.
Two British museums announced that they will return gold and silver artifacts that were looted 150 years ago from Ghana. unfortunately, there's still nothing they can do about the people looted from Ghana. playing interest in man camps, where men try to reclaim their masculinity by attending military-style boot camps and getting berated by drill instructors.
But then at night, big gay orgy.
I'll tell you, I like this one. a plane in Brazil was stranded on the runway after the plane's wing was covered by a swarm of bees. bees who worked together to spell out, wing is missing screws. |
SaturdayNightLive | slingshot_snl | Oh, man, here we are, y'all. come on. y'all want to do the slingshot? Oh, my God. look at this thing. it's so high. man, that's way up there. come on, it's not that high. let's do it. who's coming? baby, you know I can't get on that thing. I get so scared. Oh, come on, please. Sam will go with you. me? yeah, well, I don't know. I mean. yeah, come on, Sam, man. you can't punk out in front of your girl. Yeah, Sam, Kevin needs a partner. you're brave, right? okay, I guess. gentlemen, ready to fly?
Oh, yeah. we're clear for takeoff. think this thing's safe, right? of course. just shoots you up 400 feet and throws you up three seconds. no problem, right? sounds good to me. yeah. it's just 10 Gs right in your face. hope you're okay with that. doesn't bother me at all, man. I'm a veteran. Okay. I was in the Air Force. I love that.
You know what? I want to get off. get off? Man, it's too late with that now, Sam. no, no, no. I really, really want to get off. hey, he can't hear you, man. just get ready for the countdown. go on. Here we go. All right, what's happening in three? Oh, no. two.
Oh! oh! oh, my God! he's A. Kevin, you see it? Okay, I got it. Hey! hey! Kevin. Kevin. oh, my god. did you see how fast they ran?
I was insane. I was so insane. I know, I know, I know. Oh, hey, you're alive. how was it? Crazy. I can't believe I did that. did you shoot you up so high? Yeah, that was pretty wild. was it fun?
Oh, actually it was, man. I mean, that was a once in a lifetime experience. yeah, sure was. let's go on and get in the car now. No, you know what, Kevin? I'll do it. Oh, you gonna do it? yeah, you'll go with me, right, baby? Yeah, yeah, of course. well, go, girl. I can't believe it, man. glad to have you back. looks like we got a return customer. you're brave. yeah, yeah. hey, man, can we go up, like, real soft and come down real gentle? like. huh. no can do. this thing has only one speed. baby, we're gonna be okay, right? I want to say yes. I guess we just got to wait for the countdown. All right, here we go. in three, two. Yes, yes, I was only painting the planes, though. Kevin!
I'm 17 years old or two, by the way. I didn't tell you. I thought your daddy was gonna tell you. what?
I'm peeing. I'm peeing on everything. I'm peeing all over the place, honey.
Oh, get me out of here. Oh, good. Kevin will go with you. No. no, I'm done. Oh, this is fine. why is no. |
dropout | dentalville_the_most_misleading_brake_shop_ever | At Dentalville, we'll leave you with a smile. Hi, I'm John Dentalville, that's right, of the West Covina Dentalbills, and our service will leave you with a smile. For the past 20 years, we've been honing and perfecting our family trade because there's one thing we know best here at Dentalville, and that's breaks!
That's right, breaks! You name them! We got big breaks, we got small breaks, we got disc breaks, we got antilock breaks, we got cylinder breaks, we got every kind of break, you gotta matter, so many kinds of break, and I mean, I could go on, just come on in, look for us under the big sign with a smile, that's because we break down on bad breaks, ow, ow, ow, ow, isn't that right Chompy? We do breaks, nothing else. He's our mascot. We brush away, bad breaks, that's not the slogan, that's not the slogan, you bite down on bad breaks, bite down on them, you're the worst nephew than you are an employee.
Your kids will love our waiting room, we got one of these things, and when you're here, make sure to say hi to the receptionist Nancy, show me the one in scrubs, good one Nancy, just listen to what some of these satisfied customers have to say. Is it?
I came in for a cavity fill, they just do breaks. Dental bill handled all my break and automotive needs, they're great over there. That handsome lady's right, Dental Bill is amazing, you can make an appointment today! Just call 1-800-WE-DO-BREAK. Supposed to say we do breaks, but somebody dropped the ball with Nancy, I can't stay mad at you, so come on in, try to make it real easy for everybody, you do breaks, come on down, what's the problem, seriously what's the problem, come on down, why is no one clear what we do here, trying to run a business, shit! At Dental Bill, we'll leave you with a smile, and by smile we mean breaks! They know we do breaks! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tennessee_lt_gov_randy_mcnally_on_gay_instagram_thirst_traps_snl | This week, Tennessee Lieutenant Governor Randy Mcnally was caught using his verified Instagram account to engage with provocative photos of a young gay man. here to comment is Lieutenant Governor Randy Mcnally. all day printing out Mapquest directions. Oh My. God, Mapquest? Yes, I don't know if you notice, but I am not good at the internet. Yeah, right. So Randy, you're a married man who supports Tennessee's anti-drag laws. can you explain why you commented on a thirst trap saying you can turn a rainy day into rainbows and sunshine?
Well, I didn't think people would find out because I used the screen name. Oh, what is the screen name?
Lieutenant Governor Mcnally. Randy, you see how this could be a problem.
And also, I want to point out you commented, you commented three hearts and three fire emojis on this naked photo of the same young gay man. Well, Colin, I don't discriminate. I comment on photos of all their orientations, orientations like from the side, from the front, from the back. there does not have to be a buck, but it helps. Whatever the photo, it's my job to encourage my constituents. right, I think there's just maybe some confusion about your beliefs. Colin, I stand by my traditional values. I believe a woman should be in the home and a man should be 143 pounds and dancing to Doolika. Okay, you just, okay, yes, you're very cute, but you are claiming these interactions are innocent, but it does not look good. Colin, I'm just looking out for the little guy, Joe average, every Tom, Dick and hairless. Okay, I think that some of the people of Tennessee feel misled. Oh, Colin, it's no big deal, I'm just looking. looking at pictures on Zillow doesn't make me a homeowner, although I have done a few 3d tours.
Okay, Randy. Randy by name, Randy by nature.
Why are you interacting with these young men? Why? Because I'm talking to voters or people who could vote in the future.
Okay, okay. I'm a proud conservative. I respect police officers, firefighters, and any man who puts his body online for others. Do you mean on the line for others? What did I say? by the way, any chance you can print me out another map quest. I'm trying to get to Flaming Saddles. All right. I just, Randy, folks are calling you a hypocrite for endorsing anti-lgbtq laws while seeming to enjoy queer content. Well, Colin, what do you want me to say? I'm a hypocrite that I was flirting with a 20-year-old dancing around in his fine washables, that I made it legal to have guns in libraries, but not drag queens, that I publicly hate things that I secretly like. both Republicans and Democrats are telling me to get off Instagram.
And guess what? I will, because I forgot my password. Randy Mcnally, everyone. Be a Flaming Saddles. anytime. |
ClickHole | liberals_are_learning_to_slack_line_to_tightrope_walk_from_college_campuses_into_trump_s_bedroom | Absolutely terrifying. The attack might have been the first of its kind, but it sure as hell wasn't the last.
At this moment, young liberals are learning to slackline as part of a depraved scheme to tightrope-walk all the way from their college campuses into President Trump's bedroom. And I'll show you the proof right after this. Young leftists all across our country are learning to slackline as part of a depraved scheme to tightrope-walk from their college campuses into President Trump's bedroom. Just look at this. These liberal extremists are using college quads as a training ground, and it's only a matter of time before they put their sinister skills to use.
Friend of the show, Maggie Thompson, has been studying this phenomenon up close. Maggie, what in the hell is going on on these college campuses? It's very scary, Doug. I recently visited several colleges, and what I saw was shocking.
Kids as young as 18 were slacklining all day, slowly getting more and more comfortable walking on the line.
It was like they didn't have anything else to do. God, that's horrible. Can you imagine committing your time to something so evil and boring? No.
And what's really disturbing is these groups recruit constantly. They always have a table at the activities fair, and their propaganda is everywhere. Jesus Christ! Who are they targeting with this stuff? In addition to the casually curious passerby, they mostly prey on young, lost freshmen looking for direction and who are lonely enough to spend a few hours practicing what essentially amounts to balancing with someone they barely know on a Saturday. God, it makes me sick to think that this training will one day be used in an unthinkable attack on our president.
What would that look like? Well, after getting some sort of a signal, these college students will slackline hundreds of miles across the United States all the way to President Trump's second floor White House window, and then they would chase him around with a stick or something. The scariest part is we really have no idea where this attack will come from. It could come from UC Berkeley, the University of Chicago. The Oberlin, Bennington, Duke, every college in America. It's possible, and these liberal colleges are just standing around watching it happen. In the meantime, they're getting more and more advanced. Just look at this footage I shot from Penn State. I have no idea what that is, but whatever they're planning, it's bone chilling. |
cracked | accidentally_iconic_movie_scenes_the_usual_suspects | The usual suspects is about five criminals who meet at a police lineup and decide to commit a robbery together. In the lineup scene, the characters were simply supposed to step up and repeat a line, one by one, what could possibly get five professional actors to botch up something as simple as that. Well, guess what? Here's the happy accident.
Benicio del Toro's rancid farts. According to the DVD extras, while shooting this scene, del Toro was flatulent the whole time. As a result, the other actors kept cracking up while director Bryan Singer angrily told him to keep their shit together. Eventually, Singer just gave up and left the actors completely improvised interaction in the movie, and you can clearly see them trying not to giggle and utterly failing. The weird thing is, their goofing off actually makes the rest of the movie work. The chemistry between the criminals in this scene really sells you on the fact that these five guys, for the most part strangers, would suddenly decide to team up and pull off a heist together. If that happened every time the police brought in suspects, they'd probably stop doing lineups. Also, by doing these wildly different characters bonding through their mutual contempt for authority and the universal language of fart noises, the scene foreshadows the fact that, in the end, the entire story turns out to be about one clever criminal screwing with the police. And it's all because of Benicio del Toro's butt. Ah, the classic Hollywood butt story. |
SaturdayNightLive | air_bud_snl | Thank God you're back from Vacation Rochelle! The cheer squad was a disaster without you. We weren't trash without you, I know.
So how was the game? Okay, we were losing bad, but then the coach subbed in a new player and he was a fire. The other team complained, but there was no rules saying he couldn't play. He totally turned the game around. Everyone was on their feet, cheering, and he was so cute. Wait, there's a new star basketball player, and I'm not dating him. what's his name?
Airbud. Step aside. ladies, this one is mine. Oh hey, what's up Rochelle? hey, you're Bud, right? I'm Rochelle head cheerleader. Oh, that's a cool tongue you're You're so hairy, I love that. Are you Italian?
So I heard you had quite the game on Friday, I'm so sorry I missed that. I was on vacation and the Virgin Islands wearing a bikini. Shut up, I'm not even that tan. Oh my God. Wait.
I love your necklace. I am microchim beautiful. I mean the poetry to hey Rochelle. he's a dog.
Whatever. Tyler, you had your shot with me, and you blew it. I gave you a chance to change and you refused. How was I supposed to get taller? If you cared about me? you would have figured it out. Whatever. Hey, Bud. you want the rest of my sandwich. I don't want it.
Someone is hungry. You're eating like so fast and just twist your mouth. Wait, aren't you embarrassed for eating like that in front of a girl?
I guess not. you don't care at all. which of course only makes you hotter. Rochelle, Are you so blinded by the need to be popular? You can't tell that that's a dog? Whatever.
Trent, you had your shot with me, and you blew it. You couldn't be what I needed you to be. I'm sorry my family isn't rich, so was I ready for your walk.
I got your little girlfriend outside. Wait, you were you ever gonna tell me about her? or you're just gonna sit there and let me throw myself at you like an idiot. Oh, so now you're not gonna talk to me? Fine, I hope you and that slut are happy. By the way, I heard she eats grass barfs and then eats her own barf.
You know, I've never done any of those things. Just so you know, I'm not strict about condoms. If you don't have one, I'll just say be careful. Okay, and still go along with it. not that you'll ever benefit from it.
Rochelle, He's a dog. you can say that again. Bye Bud!
Wow, I've never seen Rochelle get jealous. Hey, um, I'm Candace and just so you know, I am strict about condoms. I never let guys wear one. |
TheOnion | EDGE_Inside_The_Japanese_Subculture_Of_Ignoring_American_Reporters_Even_If_They_re_Rad_As_Hell | Burn Barcelona to the ground! It's spiky as fuck. Tokyo, home to some of the most fascinating and utterly fucked up subcultures in the world. We sent reporter Brian Gage to Tokyo neighborhood and hipster enclave Harajuku to check out the newest and maybe most insane of them all. It's called Kishanai, where young Tokyo scene-sters refuse to talk with chill American reporters, even if they're really cool guys. You're not going to believe this. So we're here at the Shinjuki bar at the heart of a cutting edge trend that's about staying out all night and not hanging out with American reporters under any circumstances, even if those reporters drank mescaline tea with rhino poachers. Now I've covered some freaky ass parts of Japanese culture before. Face inflation, pillow girlfriends, teeth un-straightening. But this new trend, where people deliberately avoid mad cool American correspondence, is totally messed up in a way that you can only find in Tokyo.
And the further I went down this rabbit hole, the less I understood. The whole village at eight. There's all this gnarly stuff and a bag of that from the women's prison. And the thing is, they make you marry a severed head. Turns out this culture was everywhere. So of course, I had to try and infiltrate the secret of Kishanai circles and see it from the inside out myself. So as you can see, I've covered up my tattoos and I put my beanie away for the night. I'm going to see if the Kishanai inside will accept me as one of their own. It took a while, but my tactics finally paid off.
What's up with all these annoying, want-to-be-cool journalists? They think they're so legit, but they're just totally mad.
Bye. Are you familiar with the South Sudan War? Because I've still got a bullet that went through the head of a rebel sergeant.
I never really found out what happens inside the secret of Kishanai circles. But from what I did see, it won't be a subculture much longer. It's shocking to think about, but it's only a matter of time before cool reporters who do all kinds of killer shit are going to be avoided everywhere, in South America, Europe, and if we're not careful, even back home. Next time on Edge, should UNICEF watch more pornography? Plus, will space ever get us? |
dropout | national_fart_hearings | Mr. Max Cohen, you made an accusation on July 15 against one Ethel Steinman, did you not? Uh, yes, Senator Willis, I did. Of what did you accuse her, sir? Of, um, farting. And what, if I dare ask, did you base this accusation on, Mr. Cohen?
I smelt it. Mr. Cohen, need I remind you that as the individual who smelt the offense, that you are therefore culpable... That's not men's words. You smelt it. You dealt it.
That is a vicious lie, Mr. Chairman. I doubt that's it.
Absolutely nothing.
Now some news for your nose. In Washington, Cohen tells the Farts Up Committee the foul charges against him, like the rip itself, stink.
Well, it's a witch hunt. Nothing more than a brown scare. I dare say the senator would check his own mother's skirt for skin marks. In this country, the law is simple.
He who smelt it, dealt it. Did I beseech you, Chairman, as the one who so confidently makes that rhyme? Could it not be you who did the crime?
Part fever is leaving the nation as John and Jane Q taxpayer show their support for the suspected S-Weafer Max-Con. Even this little guy is gone brown for the red, white, and blue.
Now, I don't know much about the law. Being a simple farmer and all.
But the way I see it, the one who denied it, that would be you, Senator Willis. Well, he's the one who supplied it. |
SaturdayNightLive | david_spade_therapy_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | Doctor, I appreciate you seeing me on such short notice. it's been really weird coming back to the show this week. I mean, it's fun, but it's different. people keep getting mad at me because I can't remember everyone's name. like that Jim Meadows guy. you mean Tim Meadows. are you sure, Black Guy? that's right. when I try to talk about the good old days with Rock and Sandler and Farley, everyone just rolls their eyes, bored. I think the biggest problem is that I'm extra famous now, and it bothers people, you know? And the second problem is I'm on a hit show.
Mm-hmm. And is it really a hit show? Well, yeah. like friends? well, no, but that's on Thursdays. it's.it's complicated. okay. I'm sorry. continue, please. you don't understand. Do you know how many people saw Tommy Boy? it's what's known as a worldwide hit.
I am an international superstar. it's different. I think I understand. No, you don't. it's like jail. it cripples my travel plans. I'm like a sideshow, some sort of freak. I'm huge in Finland. I can't step foot in Peru. I want to. I can't. So being in a show business environment is kind of a safe place for you, isn't it? I wish.
I'm even getting too big for that. like a few nights ago, I went to see the world premiere of this movie, Meet Joe Black. camera's flashing. paparazzi everywhere. How many pictures do you need? I cursed the paparazzi. I cursed the tabloids. Oh. so you find yourself in the tabloids a lot?
No, not yet. But I feel it coming any day now. Well, we're about out of time.
Uh, David, is there anything else? Yeah. I'm a sex symbol now. it's very uncomfortable. it's really a curse. every week, I'm with a different supermodel. Word on the street is, you're not really into chicks. What's that? What street? Okay, time's up. okay, thanks. You know what you look like? You? yeah. yeah, yeah, I hear that a lot. do you? Must be flattery. Oh, yeah, it certainly is.
So, anywho, what'd you write down there? Anything I need to know? Well, just this. live from New York, it's Saturday night. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_04_09_20 | Righto, we'll start off with some national news and one of our biggest stories this week was an interesting comment from the Prime Minister who said, if giving the rich tax breaks got us into this mess, it'll get us out of it. Yes, we are officially in recession for the first time since 1990 but SCOMO's got a plan to get us out of it by providing tax breaks to the extremely wealthy so they can stimulate our economy and provide the nation's working class with some of this money that they're not paying back to the ATO. Yeah, it sounds like a bit of a foolproof plan to me. He said, and I quote, if we gave people struggling a bigger tax break, they'd just piss it up the wall on things they don't need like orange flavoured chocolates and microwave popcorn. So the government is going to give these rich people a bigger tax break to spend on things like national bank shares and flowers. Things that really get the economy up and about and we had a comment on this one from Benjamin Joseph which could possibly be the most condescending one we've ever had. He said, obviously if you pay more tax, you are going to benefit more from a cut in the raw dollar terms, albeit a lower cut on a relative basis. Not sure why people never seem to understand simple economics and just complain they aren't rich.
Classic tall poppy syndrome that Australians are all too famous for. In bogan terms, 5% discount off an OLED TV is going to be bigger than saving 10% off a McChicken meal. Thumbs up. Good stuff Benjamin, you sound like a real fuckwit. Well Benjamin, you sound like the kind of bloke who's going to be the first one to be dangling from a streetlight when the fucking purge comes mate, so watch your back. And that day is sooner than you think Benjamin.
And another national story now, a link has been established between the inability to shut up after being prime minister and easily bruised male egos. Yes, compiled by the famous Peter Beattie school of political sciences down there at the South Patuta Polytechnic College, the report revealed an astounding link between gender and the ability to leave public office to carry on with your life with dignity. Yes, they said, think of how Kevin Rudd, Paul Keating, or PJK as the inner city gen x lefties like they call him, Tony Abbott and Malcolm Turnbull have all been unable to leave public office without firing potshots and doing whatever they can to get in front of the fucking media. And then compare it to Julia Gillard who left and is the chair of Beyond Blue, the global partnership for education and the global institute for women's leadership, working to make the world a better place, and all without coming out and talking shit about Kevin, or Tony, or Malcolm, or anyone else really.
We'll head down to the northern rivers for our next story and Pete Evans is now blind and suffering carbon monoxide poisoning after refusing to wear a welding mask. Yes, the famous truther and channel 7 problem child has bitten off more than he can chew and now he is without sight. While renovating his new underground bunker in the Tweed Rivers, Pete was easily able to convince himself that he was up to the task of fabricating his bunker door shafts with the white flame of a blowtorch. And given his opposition to face masks, he's blinded himself and inhaled far too much carbon monoxide for his own good. I tell you what, when you work on a building site and the builder says don't look at the welders, and you look at the welders, you stare deep into that forbidden light, you get hurt. You certainly do, and this sounds like another crook act from Mig Welding if you ask me.
And we'll move further down south to Victoria and there was a statement issued which was in regards to Sam Newman, and that was, would you just shut the fuck up you stupid old prick, says nation. Yes, poor Sam sounds like he's been getting desperate, it's obviously been months since he's been able to shave the carrot in the disabled toilet down at Royal Melbourne, so I guess, you know, my heart goes out to him. Yes, Sam Newman, former Footy Show host who can't go a week without trying to grab a headline was this week calling for people to go out and protest against the restrictions in Victoria because he says it's killing the economy, which he's never really had to worry about ever since he was a graduate of the Geelong Grammar School and went to Timber Top, played AFL for five years and then worked for Channel 9 for the rest of his life.
He is terrified about the economy, particularly the golf industry. The golf industry's got him really worried.
But yes, the nation has just asked the man, please, just for the sake of everyone's sanity, just shut the fuck up and give it a fucking rest. And what's bringing up the caboose of this bulletin there, Wendell?
Well, Wham Clothing has sent a cease and desist to the sun. Geez, the Aboriginal flag issue is still plaguing the country, I see, with Wham, the non-Indigenous owned company with the rights to the Aboriginal flag, now trying to make the sun pay up. Yes, after hitting up the AFL and NRL recently, they've tried to take the sun to court, saying, we are also seeking justice for our client in the form of damages for the years 2018, 2019 and 2020. Furthermore, we are also applying for the court to retroactively apply the damages for the previous 4.6 billion years since the sun was formed. And the sun is yet to respond on that one, so we'll just have to wait and see where that ends up.
Anyway, that is the end of another weekly bulletin here on Desert Rock FM or Spotify's Your Daily Drive. Thanks for tuning in, and we'll talk to you again in seven days' time. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_86_Beau_Ryan | Today we are joined by, I guess you'd describe him as a slashy actor, dancer, comedian and former 104 game great for the Western Tigers. Yeah. I get your numbers right? Yeah. 22 for the Sharks. That's right. Can't forget the Shark, can you? Can't forget the Sharkies, mate. Thanks for joining us, Bo Ryan. How's things going, mate? Right now? Yeah. You're developing into a whole new field now. You've become talent. Yeah.
Well, I'm still not talented. It's different, man. I'm busy, but I've always been busy.
From footy, I used to live in the gong when I couldn't afford to live in Sydney. I was at the Tigers and drive up and then train all day. We had long days and then drive back and then obviously hurt me stripes and earn enough money to live there. So you commuted? From Wollongong, yeah. From Albion Park. I live with mum and dad and then I moved out with my wife to Winding. We progressively just got closer to Sydney and then we obviously could never afford Cronulla.
Now we can, so life's good. But yeah, man, a different world.
When I played footy, it's funny, you're from Albion Park or from everyone loves footy. My missus from Queensland, everyone loves footy. Cronulla, everything's footy.
But when you step out of that area or step into nine or 10, man, no one cares. But I thought everyone cared about everything. We'd win a game and you walk around down, whether it's Cronulla Mall or Concord, Burwood Road, you think you're the man and then you'd hide. If you lost, you wouldn't show your face. All my Lebo mates would be into me.
But you just really realise now, footy is, it's given me everything, man. But it's just a piece in the ocean, really. So you're from the Illawarra, but somehow you managed to avoid a lifetime of pain at the Dragons and at the Steelers. Yeah. So how'd you end up at the Tigers? Well, mate, I wasn't, to be honest, I wasn't good enough to make the Dragons, I was playing center at the time.
Is that Wayne Ira? Wayne Ira Dragon?
No, this was before, this was Nathan Brown. And he loved the big, strong guys, a lot of Islanders, loved the big size for outside backs. And I was a smaller guy, obviously still am. And behind Matty Cooper and Gaziano, I wanted to play center. And then I was with Steve Price, who's coaching Warrington now, playing reserve ground.
And I said, man, I just want, like I've got mates in Albion Park. I still go down to Albion Park pub and Warilla pub and I'll see them and they'll Back down home. Back down home.
And they're still, they're talented guys, bro. I played with guys that were better than any of the guys we, you know, we had Brett Stewart and Ashton Sims, all these guys that were freaks. I got guys who were better, as good, if not better than them, that never played, but they're still sitting in the same spot saying I was better than him.
I smashed you in that day. And I just didn't want to be one of those guys. What do you reckon it is? Because every, every football you ever meet says I wasn't the best from where I came from. Nah. Attitude, man. And my upbringing has got a lot to do with it.
You know, I've got mates that, oh, bro, I've got some serious mates who are seriously good footy players. And I watch them go down and watch them play second grade now. They're not even the best player in their second grade team, but they get, they'll be a glimpse. They'll do a chip and chase for a big hit. And they'll see him after the end, they go, I told you, you know, I still got it. But they, and I'll say to them, you're definitely better than me.
You always, you always were and you always will be, but a lot of them don't like the system. Yeah. And I love the system, the routine. I was never good enough. And by going to the Tigers, you sort of, I had to prove myself and under Sheens. Yeah. And under Sheens, he was like, he was big on fitness and health and professionalism.
And I used to get to training early and leave late and he promised me a game and I was playing shithouse in reserve, but he promised me. And then I played a few good games in their wingers, played poorly and he said, can you play wingers? I said, of course I can play wing. Never played wing in my life. Went out in first grade, was a bit hot and cold, made a few errors, nearly scored a try and then stayed in first grade for the rest of it.
Really? Yeah.
So as a winger, I never played. And then I went back to fullback for a bit and ended up playing in the centers quite a bit in my last year at the Tigers, but felt more comfortable on the wing because the wing, the longer the game went, the better I was, especially when Marno and that get tired. The big guys, they were all getting tired, but now there's no way I can take them on. The fitness regimes changed even since then? Yeah, but the way the game, it's more explosive now. Like I used to think when I first retired, I was a bit depressed. I thought I could still play, but then I watched Valentine Holmes and Fafita and these guys develop and the game was more explosive.
And that's why I talk to people, Matty Johns and other guys that want to get the interchange down. And I'm big on that because it helps guys like me, it helps the smaller guys, a lot of the young kids now, a lot of young Aussie kids now getting phased out of the game, but bring the interchange back, man, it'll bring everyone back to reality. You can only have two big guys if you've got that, you can't have four big guys on the bench. It evens it up. Well, 2017, I think it was Origin 2017 where the game had visibly changed, they kind of slowed down on the penalties, Fafita was just burning for the Blues, remember that? Fafita looks like when I play against my son, that's how it looked, my son's nearly two, just over two, sorry. And Fafita was just, bro, Andrew Fafita is a freak and there's not many guys like him that even if the interchange was none, he would still, because he can play 80 minutes and he's a big mobile guy, but if you watch him, he doesn't get on the ground much because he's so strong. Guys like that I love, not the big, strong, muscly guys that have just got there from weights and that. Guys like Andrew Fafita are footy players and I love footy players, man.
Yeah, that yarn we heard, how he lost all his weight in the off season, did you hear that? Took the exercise bike into the Vic Room Yoga Studios for two hours a day. Bro, I'll tell you a story about Andrew Fafita, so I was at the Tigers and I loved the West Tigers, man. Just got put in as a life member there, don't know how I did but I still claim it.
Thanks Barry. Thank you, thanks Barry and Justin Pascoe, good people, but all my heart's there, man. Like Art Oval and Campbelltown Stadium, 10 out of 10, best place to play footy.
We had a really tight knit group and people were knocking back big money, I mean Benji left and then come back. People were knocking back serious, serious money. Robbie Farrar knocked back a serious offer to go, he was getting offered a million bucks when no one was getting 800 to go to England and we just had a real tight team.
And then we, who's a super professional guy and a guy I love playing with, Adam Blair was signed and he was signed on 600 when no one was getting 600. No one was getting 400 and it shook our team and we lost Fafita and Gibbs and Gibbs was, Gibbs, Bryce Gibbs is the funniest person I know, can't speak properly but super funny. Like a lot of rugby league characters. Yeah, yeah. He left with Andrew Fafita, Sharks won it for Fafita and they took Gibbs as a package. Gibbs nearly got player of the year and that's when it went downhill for the club, man.
I'm not going to lie. Then me and Hano left. That was, I mean we played semis 2011, nearly won it, should have won it in 2010, but it's just the rest is history. You lose the heart of a team or guys that have sacrificed so much, like you saw with the Bulldogs with Joshy Reynolds, if you lose people that bring other people, like I get a training and I look and you see Benji now, he's on 200 grand, less than 200, I read the other day, but he wants to be there. It makes you want to be there. Well that's what the Manly boys always talk about that. What Mo says, they all knock back money just to keep it together and obviously Cherry Evans has family. But I'm not begrudging the person that gets the money, I'm begrudging the club for ripping that apart for no reason. I saw Brett Stewart on the weekend, I was at a Bucks party in Wollongong, luckily I was driving or we'd still be going. I think they are still going. Four days later. We were down there and we went go-karting, which was code obviously.
He's a guy, I grew up with that guy, most talented footy player I've played with, him and Benji, different reasons, but Brett knocked back. Brett was getting money when we were 19, CEOs, we're not getting that. But he was knocking back, he was getting 300 when no one was getting 100 and then he was knocking back 600, 700, so I saw what happened to that club, I hate playing Manly. They were so good, but they kept that team together and then they all left for different reasons. Choc left, Glenn Stewart, it ripped the team apart, but bro... Choc left to go and write out his injury elsewhere. Yeah, but you know what, he left, but good on him man, he deserves that money. Him in 2009, 10, 11, bro, he was best forward in the world. Still one of the best players I've ever played and that team was built on sacrificing money to stick together and when that happens, I know it doesn't happen anymore because you've got family and stuff like that, I've got little kids, I'd leave them, I left. But those days are over man, footy's changed.
So how are the Roosters doing it then, because they're the people who are doing it now, they've got the biggest names in the sport, in one team. I honestly don't reckon they're cheating. I look at their team and you've got Zane Tettivano, Siki Aho, Daniel Tupo, guys like that who were fringe first graders, who are now all getting probably three, that are in a superstar team and are playing really good and everyone wants them for 600. That doesn't mean that they're not worth 600, they're just playing better with the players around them. Daniel Tupo is one of the most gifted wingers in the comp. They've got, all their guys that they've got on minimum wage are playing really good. And that's why I reckon they're the difference.
They're going to lose cronk and then, I don't know how they lose a million butt and spend two million, that's the one I don't get. They're not run by X league players. Well, they're not run by X league players and there's not many, if something happens to the Roosters board, you don't hear about it, watertight.
As you know, we're Boerspray. Well, no one knows how to keep secrets except the Roosters, right? Well, you know what, the Bulldogs are pretty good.
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Now, can you tell us a little bit about that culture that can exist? It sounds like you had a bit of it at West's and they definitely had a bit of it at Manly and probably back in the day, Broncos. Well, we brought it to Cronulla as well. We brought, it's one of the tiger sharks. I mean, Gibson, Fafita, really close mates of mine. We had it then and then obviously Chris Einington is my best mate. We went there and we had a culture there and when we had nothing, mate, the facilities were shit.
You said Steven Dank. Well, I missed Dank. See, I fucking got nothing. I missed Dank.
Didn't even get any juice. I got no premiership in 05 at the Tigers. I missed the 2006 and I didn't get the peptoids. I've missed everything.
So, I love the sharks and we built, we come there and helped, Flanno had a vision and then when he finally got some money back around him, they built that club ridiculously well and I spoke to Jack Berg closely when I retired to get him to the club, help him. Then Val Holmes was coming through Ricky Latelli and it just all clicked. That club deserved a premiership. They got Benny Barber for nothing. It's a wonderful club, bro, but very rarely is that going to happen again where people play for unders and stick together for the right reasons. We interviewed Willie and Rennie in here a while back and they were saying money didn't really come into the conversation.
2004 was a bit different, but they said in that culture, that tight-knit culture, there's a bit of a siege mentality as well where they honestly believe, and I'd believe them because they were the dogs at war, if you work hard, you play hard, it just goes hand in hand. In that kind of culture where everyone's not getting paid as much and they're all sticking together, is that a part of the culture? The bonding? 100%. I'm not a big drinker, but I like to hang out with the boys and go out and carry on and hang around everyone. Now it's different. I've got little kids that don't go out because I get put in headlocks by blokes with white sunnies on, but I loved it. That's all part of it. You look at the success the clubs like Melbourne have and Wayne Bennett and Craig Bellamy, they don't drink, both those guys, but it is compulsory to go and have a drink for the team.
I hated playing the dogs.
The Broncos were probably the originals and playing with guys like, when Dale was in Wollongong, I'm really close with him. He was big on it. Lottie Dikiri brought it.
I mean, it's harder now because kids get carried away, the younger guys, and you get in trouble, which is all part of it. I've been in trouble, still get in trouble.
And the camera phones too. The camera phones, bro. Some of the shit we were doing in 2006, seven, eight, bro, you know what I mean? Everyone's in trouble.
We used to get on a boat. All my mates, I got married on the boat. We had the Mad Mondays on the boat, boxers on the boat on the harbour, mate. We get on the boat, we put our phones in the box. We lock the box, we put it on the side, and then we go on and we have fun. Those days are gone, man.
Everyone wants to let their friends know where they're doing, their misses, Instagram. Everyone know what they're doing.
60 person group chat.
And like, man, if you're there and you're doing heroin, you're in trouble. Can't do heroin anymore, man, on a boat.
The culture's changed, really. Yeah, I know. But you know, Errol's right.
From Cliffy Lyons, every bloke we've interviewed, E.T., everyone said, we'd be done. We'd be done. We'd be shafted in a minute if we...
And you know what, bro? Even Pocock said that, you know?
Yeah, never heard of her.
We had fun, man, and it was all part of it. And I look at the Tigers now, I love that club, but it's a bit, you know, obviously it's struggling. The Benji and Robby and guys like that are rebuilding all that.
Because if you're a young guy, like, I did host a girl's luncheon the other day. And Gail does this thing called a four-in-five. He released a book, and I'm allowed to say this because he brought it out yesterday, and there's a whole chapter on me. I'm selling books for him.
He does this thing called a four-in-five, which he started it. You've got to run four laps in five minutes. That's what the footy clubs do. But he does a four-in-five. Four bourbons in five minutes. And we all started doing the four-in-five. I don't know if you've ever had 16 bourbons in 20 minutes, but you can't move.
Sounds like you'd bloat a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, that's... Well, next thing, things go next little pretty quick.
But what we used to do, we used to go to someone's house. Or we used to go to somewhere and lock it down or a boat.
Now, it's harder to do that, but... And the games change, man. I don't think you can drink after a game. Honestly, don't. Because the way...
You watch a game, bro. Every collision, there's two or three guys seriously injured each game. And I know back then it was a bit slower for us. I believe footy in like 03, 04, 05 was the element. When you got Joey Johns near the end of their career, Willy and the Dogs of War, Sonny Bill coming in, that was, in my opinion, that was because the Islanders were coming in and whacking people, but they were conditioned. And I still reckon the ball was shaped differently. It just... Footy was tougher. The jerseys were big. I just... I love that footy. I watch old games in 02, 03, 04. And in my opinion, I think that's the best footy ever. Yeah. It certainly seems like now, but when you go back and watch the old games, the game's a bit more fluid. And everyone can play footy.
It moves around a lot more. Bro, the ball is in the air. Everyone can pass and offload. Now, it's, you know, run, run. Third man in, wrestling. Big impacts. Yeah. And just start and stop, start and stop.
And it's hard for you to get your kid to play. Like, my son is going to play. Naturally, I want him to do dancing. I want him to be a gymnast, whatever. Right? I see him now naturally pick up a ball. He's only two and a bit, and he's spinning it in his hand, so he's naturally going to do it.
But it's tougher game than when I was six, seven. You know, it was easier then. Yeah. Now it's hard, man. The kids are bigger. Well, when you were a kid and probably when you first started playing professionally, the game looked a lot like Wollongong, didn't it? Now it looks a lot more like Western Sydney. Yeah.
Are you Lebanese, by the way? No, all my mates are Lebo. So, when I lived with Robbie Farrar, and I can use the word, I tell people, I did a podcast yesterday for the telly, and I said, oh, you know, Lebo, and they go, oh, you can't say that. I said, I can say it because I'm Lebo.
And so, they all just shut up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no one really knows. So, everyone's offended, but they don't know if they're offended. Yeah, yeah.
So, all my mates are Lebo. My mum and dad are from Western Sydney. All my cousins live out there. I'm out there two days a week. Obviously, either filming or that scene or catching up with my mates. I love them so much, man. Like, the culture, I'm obviously from Wollongong, and now I live in Cronulla, the widest place on the planet.
Have you ever MC'd a Lebanese wedding? About 20. Good money. A lot of it's cash, too. But big. You know, when you've got six, eight hundred people, I just love the culture. They do, I think, go to Lelea the night before a wedding, which is as big as my wedding, and where they give away the bride, and it's just fantastic.
The food's good. The drums. It's just a celebration. The drums, man.
If you haven't been to a Lebo wedding, you haven't lived, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever been there? Lebanon? Nah, it was a funny story. My mate, he's actually over there now. He's in Dubai, and I was meant to go now, depending on when the race was going to air. Amazing race. But Beirut now is in turmoil. Obviously, some money's been moved around and some dodgy shit going on, but I was meant to be going now in November, but it looks like I'll probably be going in February. So, never been there.
Back to the unofficial. Back to the homeland. Yeah, homeland. Yeah, yeah. Back to my village.
You were a hit with the Lebanese community with your characters and your song you did. How was that received? Really good, man. Do they claim you? They do, and the important thing about the song, I want to make this clear.
The song I designed for 15 to 20-year-olds, because they spend money, and it hit three to eight-year-olds who have got no money. Well, they get a dollar a year for their team.
But a guy stopped me at the gym this morning, and his son watched a video of the song that I did, and I got the characters in. I had a Kiwi character and a Middle Eastern guy.
I don't say Lebanon. Sometimes it's from Egypt. Depends what's going on over there with the turmoil. Sometimes Syria. Turkey, not so much.
But I just love it, man. All my mates, how it started, I used to dress up as a character and a DJ at a party, his party in the city, and come there, and they're all Lebos, and we used to dance and that. And then I started saying, yeah, yellow, yellow, and then DJ yellow. And then I did it on the footy show, and then it just evolved. One time at the footy show, out the back, Hasem El-Masri actually pulled up the EP of the show and said, look, I'm offended.
Oh, really? Yeah, and I said, I don't care. Makes no difference.
I'm still doing it because all my Lebo mates aren't offended, and get used to it. Hasem, well, Hasem, Hasem, he's a good guy. He's a good boy. Hasem's a wonderful guy, and it was hard because I grew up supporting the doggies.
But you know what? That was probably the beginning of the end for DJ yellow. We probably eased up.
He comes out. The godfather refused. The king of kings, but he comes out.
I saw Hasem not long ago, and I still look at Hasem as in like I'm a bit starstruck with those old doggies guys. Terry Lamb is mine, the king of kings. But then even you guys like Willie and Sonny and Rennie, guys that I grew up worshipping, I still get a bit funny around those guys. And I talk to any guys. It doesn't matter if you're Benji or Shawn Johnson. The guys that just came before you, you're a bit in awe of.
Piercy does it with Joey. Even Billy Slater around Lockie. I see him. I did a thing on Friday, and JT was there. Ponger with Thurston's the one. Ponger with Thurston. I did a thing with Gao for his testimonial. And we got Lockie and JT to pop in on the way to the test.
And we're telling stories about Mad Mondays, and they're talking about Berlin and that. Obviously I didn't play Origin because of politics and all that bullshit.
But the way Thurston looks at Lockier, and the way Cameron Smith look at Lockier, and then Lockier looks at Wally, it's amazing. Because they look at him like they're not real. Like I look at Lockier like he's the best player I've ever played against. I can't. Like it's Darren Lockier. And Thurston's looking at him like that. And Thurston's the king of kings.
And sometimes it's only about five years between these blokes. Five years.
And Darren Lockier, the funny thing about Darren Lockier is he told a good story. He said, they said, who's the best player you've ever played with or against? And he said, for some reason, always the people that just were before you. So five years before you. So you might have seen Bob Fulton or Artie Beatson. But the guys that just went before you, everyone idolizes. And if you look back at history, all the great players idolized guys five, ten years before them.
Yeah, so who would have you had at the Tigers? At the Tigers. Well, the Tigers were a fresh club. So I was more, like I said, into the dogs and that. But I looked at the, when I grew up in Wollongong at the Dragons guys.
You know, Riles and Gasne and Trent Brant. But I still see Trent Brant washing his car.
Like, have you seen his fucking body? He's a wreck. Bro, he's always got like, you know, like a fireman catalog? Yeah. He's always got a bit of dirt on his face and a little bit of like grease. Like he's always fucking working. Yeah, he gets the rugby leg.
Mum's going. And my wife doesn't think anyone's hot, right? Which is very dodgy.
And she goes, we're walking, we live, we got a place in Warilla and my family's down there. And we walk in there not long ago and he's coming out of the water.
I said, look at this bloke. And he just throws his hair back like it, like a catalog, right? Like a, like a photo shoot. What a man, what a man. The bro. And it's Barrett. Yeah. And he's looking 10 out of 10. All the time. Yeah.
It's like salt and pepper's playing in the background. Salt and pepper.
Yeah, yeah. No, no. Genuine pony. And then he comes up and pashes my misses. Now tell us a bit about that transition into fully fledged entertainer. Yeah. Well, like, how'd you get your start on the footy show? Because you were still playing, you know, you had to do your training. Yeah. You had to play, you had to go and do all your club shit. Yeah. And then you had to go and do your TV work. Did you tread the boards as a kid? Yeah. Did you have any kind of thespian performer in you before? I, I talked to my mum and dad and always liked to show off and carry on. I wish now, and I stand by this comment that I did drama when I was a kid. Yeah.
Because I've done theater and some, and some stuff in the presenting, but people's fear in life, especially in this country is talking in front of people. And we can talk all day, but you stand in front of four, 500 people and it's a different story. And a lot of footy players think they can do it.
Even when that red button comes on and bro, it's came over. Yeah. There's some funny stories that come to mind and some vision that I remember. But I got a taste of it in 2009. I got a call from Gary Burns, the boss of Nine at the time, the footy show. And he said, come out. So I went and met him with my manager and he's sitting there with James Rochford and who's now King of Kings. He doesn't answer me calls anymore, but we're still good. And I went with high note and we sit there and Gary Burns goes, you heard you pretty funny. I said, I don't know. I guess so. And he goes, we'll say something funny. And then I'm thinking, he goes, all right, you got the job tomorrow, go out and film a segment.
It was just when the Matty John's had all the hate going on with him in 2009. So that avoid the film. Firstly, I said, I'm not Matty John's.
I love him to death. I grew up like worshiping him.
You asked him to follow Reg Reagan. Yeah. But Reg Reagan had sort of just finished. So it was, it was tough. So I just said, I'd be a man.
We went out and did some box pops in the street in Balmain. Then it was one day a week. And my days off, I was living in Wollongong, man. My days off, the boys would go surf and play golf.
I hate both of those things.
So we'll go to the cafe and I'd just go and film. And sometimes we'd use it. Sometimes we wouldn't. Sometimes I'd just go and watch some stuff at Channel 9 and Rochford, I'd go over and Rochford would write and I'd watch him write and watch him work.
And the rest is history, man. And got an opportunity and, and just loved it, man. I knew when the camera went on, that that was me. I just, it's like a drug, man. And I just wanted more of it.
And the live audience is a different aspect. You can talk in front of the camera or vice versa, but once I got the live audience and I'd done some stuff at the start of here with Channel 10 and the rest is history, man. So when that started to gain a bit of traction, how was that received at the Tyges? Like, were they like, are you a... No, what happened is, so the boys were really good. Hollywood. The culture of the Dragons was a bit different. I was on the out of there anyway, and I didn't really know the guys.
I just knew Matty Cooper I was tight with and Trent Barrett. Matty Cooper was one of my best mates. Grew up with him, his brothers, and he was supporting me.
But it wasn't good to put yourself out there. Back in those days for the NRL, Matty Jones could do what was funny. At the Tyges, Benji said, mate, you're funny, go and do it. Robbie said, go and do it.
So I shot a segment, actually shot a couple. And I remember I was having coffee once and Sheen's walked into the cafe. He said, oh, how you going? I said, yeah, I'm alright. He said, oh, I sort of tried to get out of there. He grabbed me, he goes, mate, I've been seeing you on TV a bit. What's going on there? I said, nah, just whatever, just doing a bit of TV.
He goes, listen, and we're playing the Roosters the next day. He said, we've got a game tomorrow. I need you focused.
If you play shit, you're never doing it ever again. So that rocks me. So we were playing the Roosters at the time. Luckily, the Roosters weren't in hot form that year. And all I wanted to do, I don't know if you guys have ever played a game, but just not play shit. So I'm like, don't play shit, don't play shit, don't play shit.
Luckily, the game was in the balance and the ball went my way at the end of the game. I scored two tries, didn't have to do anything, but played okay. And Sheen's come up to me after the game and said, you've got the green light.
But that would have changed my entire life. If I went out there and had a shocker, I wouldn't have ever done TV ever again.
You'd be doing Corpis at car dealerships. Oh, bro, I'd be selling face creams and walking around being a Mormon. I'd probably go Mormon, you know what I mean? Or sell those things that Will Smith sells on in Pursuit of Happiness, you know, those big machines.
Yeah. No, it's an interesting kind of career move. And everyone was watching it happen more and more, a little more and more, and then get him on, put him on the panel.
Well, what happened was there was a void in old me, myself, where it started getting, I mean, I get good feedback, I get bad feedback because it's rugby league. The thing about rugby league, man, which I love, is it's a great culture and it's great people and they're solid. You see, if someone loses, you know, a partner or Matty Callender, the stuff that happened, or Mark Hughes, we band together, bro. Someone going through a divorce, we reach out, everyone sticks solid. You know, whether it's someone at a club or a kid, rugby league players are blue collar people and they're wonderful people.
You see that with Mundine, rocking up at funerals. Anthony Mundine, bro. Anthony Mundine, I love that bloke as much as I love anyone. Now, I met him through Matty Cooper and he cops a lot of shit. You talk to anyone who knows Anthony Mundine, he'll give you the shirt off his back.
If he was here now and he had a coffee, any food, and you wanted it, he'd just give it to you. Any money, if he had five bucks left in his wallet, he'd give it to you.
Might be why he's still fighting. Well, he's got a few reasons.
But same as Sonny Bill, guys like that, I love it. And people knock footy plays. I saw something you guys did the other day. It's going to be a brutal pre-season, it is. And we're all going to wear it, and I still wear it. I'm at KISS doing radio the other day, people go, you're that footy player. Geez, you must be proud of footy guys going.
I said, well, it's got nothing to do with me.
But fuck, yeah. That's how you do it. But that's life, man.
And you know what, it's not going to turn me off watching it. It's not going to turn me off supporting it or making my son play.
It makes it hard, but rugby league people, the good thing about the fans, they're brutal, right? I copped it. I might give it to Burgess on the footy show, Seattle, Sonny Bill, I'll cop it. But everyone's got short memories.
The good thing about rugby league, you can go out there and support someone. You'd never get that Adam Goodes thing in rugby league. Nah, that shit's not going to happen in rugby league. Rugby league, I mean, JT told a funny story.
He hated playing at Shark Park. I hated playing in Townsville. Ball was wet, always played shit.
But you would cop it. You would cop it. Manly, I would cop it.
South Sydney fans were psycho raiders fans. But after the game, you walk past it and it's just a nod to each other. It's a mutual respect. You're the warrior out there in the middle of the colosseum. You're going to town on each other. And that's what it's all about, man.
I talk to guys who watch footy now and they're like, oh, man, I don't know how they play. And some of my mates hate people. I've introduced them to them and now they're best mates. Yeah, and they might be playing for us next year.
Yeah. Well, no comment. Now, tell us a little bit about your role now. Yeah. You can't. So you're... Happiest I've been, man. Yeah.
It's non-footy related. Is this the first time?
And David Gingell is a guy. He's like me mentor and me manager, Wayne Beavers.
I just decided to step away from footy. Channel Nine, I loved it. But the show wasn't going where I wanted to go. I wanted to do more entertainment stuff and there was no opportunities at Nine. So I took an offer at Ten and they let me go, which was great. I still had a year left to run, which I haven't told anyone, which they let me get out of.
Breaking. And it was wonderful, man. I stepped in. We did a show at the start of the year. It didn't rate, but I learned so much. 400 live audience that knew nothing about footy and I had to prove myself again. That's why I like radio. No one knows anything about me and I feel like I've got to prove myself. I was shitting myself when I got offered the gig at Amazing Race. I knew it was me and I knew I could do it. Ten years ago, no. Five years ago, two years ago, probably a year ago, no. And I loved it, man. I loved it.
I traveled the world, met some good people and I feel I'm quite polished now at presenting. I feel like I can handle it, which I've always maybe had doubts. But once you've done live audience and theater and musicals and all that shit, it just builds so much confidence. And I can talk in front of anyone now and I feel confident. I'm really proud of what we've put to air, bro, and I've never been happier.
In terms of sportsmen on the TV at Channel Ten, they're few and far between.
That's right. It'd just be you and Matthew Burke. That's right. Well, Matthew Burke is... And there's a difference, man. Like, Matthew Burke, he's a god.
Like, I wasn't that good a footy. I tell people that. But I work my ass off and...
And he's got such a good hairline for his age, doesn't he? Yeah, Matthew Burke's fantastic. But Matthew Burke reads the news, bro.
That is hard. Like, I can go and do anything, but I cannot be serious for that long. I'd ad lib the news and say something stupid. Like, I'd be really inappropriate and I'd be in jail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd just start ad libbing something that happened in Western Sydney. That's probably true.
But I've got respect for him. And I love the fact that people step outside their comfort zone.
Yeah, ET. ET. I mean, I saw ET on Friday.
He was the trailblazer. He was the guy that started it. Matty Johns. Mat Rogers now doing it with Survivor.
People who step out because you're like, hang on. You're a footy player. You're not meant to do that. It's hard.
You cop all the barbs. But I've ridden the storm out, bro. I'm out the other side of it.
Now, I've got a million people watched on Monday night. A million people watched The Amazing Race when they added all the numbers up. 2% of them were Rugby League fans, and I love that.
Yeah, yeah. That's right. Do you reckon there's a lot of talent that goes missing in the Rugby League? Do you reckon?
I mean, because earliest memories for a lot of us of Rugby League when it became NRL and after the wars was Wendell. You know, everyone remember Wendell.
Gold Tooth. Porsche. Yeah, I love that shit. Yeah, yeah. Joey Jones was doing it. Warnie.
These guys who are just these cult figures. But there's a difference between being an icon and being a performer. Like I said, I've known guys like Wendell Salas. Bro, the guy's talent. The guy's talent.
I nearly did Masked Singer as the Rhino. Yeah. And he went out there, and I was super proud of him. And he killed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's hard. Because you put yourself out there. The first thing, not only in Rugby League, but in this country, everyone wants to bring you down.
He's too slow. He's shit. He's not good enough.
They look at you, and they live through themselves through you. They look at, you know, they just rip you apart on how you look or what you're doing.
And that's not normal. That's not what Rugby League players are meant to do.
I did a theater the other year, and Joel Kane's kids come up to me. And I get proud of stuff I've done. And I did a musical, and I was doing Grease. And I was nervous. 8,000 people there, and it was a musical, which is on the beat. And it was psycho. I got on the bus heading out there.
Singing? Singing.
Oh, I was more emceeing. I was Vincente. But you can't miss the beat. And I thought I was Ricky Martin with the hips and all that, and the Latino look. And I got carried away, but you can't miss the beat. So I was nervous.
We went out there. I went under the home bush. It was like a game. My kids looked out there. 8,000 people. Exactly like a game. Oh, probably more fans than a game. But I went out there. 8,000 people. I went out there and did it.
And after it, Joel Kane's son come up to me and said, oh, man, I loved it. And he's a performer. The kid's a star. He's got two kids.
One of them's a footy player. Now she's a footy player.
And Joel Kane said, my son wants to do dancing and acting because of you. And that meant a lot.
Because no one was doing that when I was young. I had ET doing TV, but no one was doing that.
Reeling in flat E's. Yeah, reeling in flat E's and other stuff.
But no one was doing that, man. It wasn't acceptable.
But now, man, I'm open about people trying new things. I'm open about how I feel.
Acting? Well, I did a movie last year with Jay Stevens, and I'd love to do more. The thing about acting, man, I thought it was much harder than it is. I mean, I played myself, but acting was time consuming, man.
And I don't have enough time in the day. I love me radio and TV.
And to be honest, there's no career for me in acting. There's no career.
It's just more of a passion project. But I'd do it. I'd do more of it.
But it's just the doors are open for footy players. You've just got to walk through them, man. You've got to have the balls and the support. Like, if you've got a good support network, man, the sky's the limit. Because there's doors open left, right, and center.
Sean Johnson's a serious... Benji Marshall is one of the most talented people I know. Actor or non-actor.
Video gamer. He's a gamer, but he can sing. He can dance. He can perform.
I remember Isaac Luke with the guitar. Isaac Luke. Isaac Luke is fantastic.
A lot of those islander guys are good. Sean Johnson could be a star.
But you've just got to take the plunge, bro. Yeah, for sure. And it's one hell of a leap, man. And you're putting yourself out there. You're putting your balls on the line. But if you say, I want to act, or I want to present, or I want to dance, bro, big ups.
Or go to the Auckland Blues. Go to the Auckland Blues and not play. Benji Marshall.
And have a real, real steep learning curve over there. That's where it helps.
Short memories, rugby league fans. No one remembers that. You go out, score two tries. Everyone forgets it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, the amount of league players that kind of went to America to play NFL, it's not just Jared Haynes. There's been about 40 of them, and we don't remember. I think Willie even did it. Mate, and can I make this clear? I still believe, and I love Jared Haynes. I still believe he is the best player to ever play in a row. And I've had this argument.
In his prime, if you had to have one player who played every position, the 13 on the field. Now, Tama Lolo and Sonny Bill would be good. But 13 Jared Haynes in his prime would beat any player. Be like Jonah Lomo. Be like Lomo, but he can pass, he can run, he's fast.
And people underestimate what he did. Valentine Holmes is a freak, but he didn't touch a surface, bro. He didn't scratch anything. He is a wonderful player, but let's get real. Okay, he played some trials, but he wasn't going to make it. And he is a seriously talented guy. He'll probably get Dally M next year. He is a freak.
Jared Haynes went over there and made the starting roster. He started round one. He didn't make the practice team, he made that and worked his way through as a punt return.
There's 300 million people in America, 10% of them playing NFL. Come on, man. That is a monumental effort for a guy that we want to bring down for going over there saying he had a dream.
I can't read. I can't wear that.
Yeah, for sure. For sure.
And he ended up... And it wasn't a shit team either. Bro, he was a punt return. His body shape meant he could be a running back, a receiver, but he was sort of too good for that. Like he was too big and he was probably not fast enough for one of them. So put him in the special team, put him at punt return so he can play what he sees.
And bro, the guy's a star. He could still be there if he wanted to, 100%. The bloke's a star. He probably couldn't.
No, not right now. Yeah. He's got to wait for the... Yeah. We can't travel again. Anyway.
Now, can you tell us a little bit though about, speaking of the States, are you still have a clear line of contact with Dwayne Johnson? Not as much, but I do the junket stuff and probably get offered one every two months to go over an interview with him because I'm close with Paramount and Universal and Warner Brothers. Probably three times a year or four times a year, I talk to him. Mostly it's people trying to say, can you introduce me to him or they've got this charity or they've got this money or they've got this invention or this cream, but I don't send all that shit on him. I remember one year, Joseph Parker, a good friend of mine who was boxing, and I sent him a message.
They said, we want you, me. They go, we want me, Bo, to come to Auckland to sit ringside with Joe Parker in the prime minister of Samoa. I said, or the president, prime minister, I said, yes, sweet. No worries, I'll be there. All I only catch is, can you bring the rock? I said, well hang on. That's a big bug. What about me missus? So I reached out to him, I said, look, me and Joey Parker, who are both, who has met the rock.
And he said, look, bro, all this stuff's got to come through my office, but send me the thing. I sent him the official letter from the guy from the prime minister from Samoa. And he went through it, he said, bro, I just sent it to my office.
That week, I'm filming back to back. He was filming Fast and the Furious on one of the ones.
He said, I can't get there, but I can either send someone or just let him know I'm rooting for him. The thing about him is, he's very smart, bro, but I think then Joey Parker was fighting an American. So he's got to be very careful who he publicly supports, because he's a loud and proud Hawaiian Samoan, but at the same time, he's the face of America and Samoa. He's got a bit of Canadian there too. He's got a bit of Canadian, he's got a bit of everything. So he can't be, you know, but if he was available, he would have went, because his background means a lot.
And stuff like that, I'll talk to him, or if I'm doing a movie, he'll give me an hour. But it's just super hard. I mean, the platform, I don't have the nine platform now, but channel 10, I've been offered to go over and interview him for 10, and kiss. But it's just too hard at the moment, bro, too busy. How did you prepare to interview him the first time, you know, obviously because he's like- Oh, bro, shit myself.
The biggest- It was the G.I. Joe movie, and we went last. And I think they read a bit of a bio before you go in. We did a junket last year for, it was a movie in the States, and it's exhausting for everyone. Even the people that are in there for fun. Who'd you interview?
Ferrell. Oh, bro, he's the King of Kings. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And John C. Reilly. John C. Reilly's great.
Wolf Ferrell's a genius. I got off a plane two years ago, we flew to L.A., got off the plane at 10 o'clock, went to interview him, flew back at six o'clock that night, and he gave me an hour. But The Rock, I remember this clearly, I was there, and I took my mate Dan Honey in, and the movie was G.I. Joe, and he knew a bit about me before, but instantly he knew my background as an athlete, and he related straight to me. And we had 20 minutes, and then after he said, man, that was great, if you're ever in the States, let me know. And he's got his, Bo Flynn, who is his right-hand man, who does a lot of his producing, and Hiram Garcia, just got contact details, and since then, stayed in touch. And every time that I've interviewed him a dozen times, flown all over the world to interview him, and it's been good, it works both ways, but bro, you gotta remember, we're getting three, 400,000 people watching the footy show, and he was still doing it.
You know what I mean? He was still doing it for us. He requested us. I remember seeing- Sorry, the most nervous I was actually ever being was Arnie. Yeah, right. I was shitting myself. That's the boyhood.
He rocked up, he was the king, and I rocked up, and he had a cigar, I was in the park high, and I was sitting under the thing, looking at the bridge, he's smoking a cigar, and I look, I said, hey, how are you? He goes, good to see you. I said, yeah, you good? He goes, I'm good, good to see you. And I said, what's going on with the cigar? He said, do you want some? I said, yeah, of course. So I grabbed his, I started puffing his cigar, right? My publicist comes over and goes, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
There's smoke alarms all in the park high, they've turned off, I put it down.
He knew my story and talked about the background of playing sport, and instantly, I think sport, having a sporting background or professional background, people can relate, man, especially people who have been through that physical journey, because it means they're disciplined, and we had an instant connection. It doesn't mean I was nervous, but it was fun, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is interesting, and watching you do those kind of things, with The Rock, it was funny because you started calling him also, and that kind of stuff. And had he not been spoken to like that in a while? He hadn't been around Islanders for that long, and for so long, and then you start hitting him with this NRL lingo.
Yeah, and I got a lot of Islander mates, and I just saw Suppus, and he straight away connected, because those guys, you got to remember, man, those guys, a lot of those big Hollywood guys, and a lot of the guys, especially, I rate them as the footy guys, come from nothing, blue collar people, and I stand by this. The best players in the NRL, the best people, are the guys at the top. Your Cameron Smiths, your Thurstons, Billy Slater, Joey, these guys would give time for anyone. It's the middle guys you can't get to, the guys that have played 10, 20 games and a couple of NRL games who think they're king shit. The guys who have played their whole career at the top are the most approachable, and that's like Hollywood.
You meet Hemsworth, and Will Ferrell, and The Rock, they'll give you an hour, Matt Damon. I'm interviewing a guy in South Korea, I won't say, a couple of years ago, I'm interviewing a guy in South Korea, had no idea who he was. I was over there to interview Scarlett Johansson, he was on part of The Junket, bro, the guy was king shit. I still got no idea who he was, and I had to interview him for 20 minutes, and it was pulling teeth, and he's gone, I mean, he's in Game of Thrones or something, but who cares? Yeah, don't look at me when you talk to me. And meanwhile, I walk out and I'm talking to Scarlett Johansson for an hour.
And that's similar to NRL, the guys are the top in anything. Top floor of the Ivy, they're not talking to you. It's like Channel 9 or Channel 10. The guys at the top, man, like you guys, they know, they're my kind of people. They've been through hell themselves, they've been up and down, and they're just relatable, and that's like any business, you know the guys at the top, the guy in the t-shirt, they're relatable. But they're not often, there's not often someone just having a yarn to them either.
Nah, nah, nah. So they kind of respond well to that. Yeah, and Aussie, man, when you're Aussie, you disarm them straight away.
Especially when you, I love how we speak the same language, but they got no idea what we're fucking saying. Yeah, yeah, it almost feels like you're talking too fast. It feels like you're a robot, and even when you slow it down, you sound like you got something wrong with you.
So by the end of it, I just give them a hug and nod. Hello. Shot ooh so. Could you do action? You reckon? Is that something you've ever thought about? I mean, I know you're busy now, but you've got that, you've got the same kind of trajectory I guess. Yeah. The Rock and Aunty.
Nah, nah, nah. I don't know.
I like showing another side of myself, to be honest. That's why I took this role of race, The Amazing Race. First and foremost, the casting of The Amazing Race speaks, speaks to me.
And people go, oh, you're hugging people too much in the race and you know, you're too emotional. And I said, bro, you got to understand, we got people from Western Sydney, we got the Muslim mother and daughter, we got the nuns, we got the Africans, we've got the Vietnamese. They're not representing themselves. They're representing their people, their color, their background, their race, their religion.
So when they're stuck in the middle of the desert and they come over the hill on a camel and they've been away from their family for six weeks and they get to the mat, I'm going to give them a hug because you got to remember I'm sleep deprived. I haven't seen my missus for six weeks as well. So I've got plenty of love to share. And when I saw, when I see these moments of these guys coming through, a lot of the people, we kept them in isolation for nearly two weeks with no phone before the race started. So they were broken when we got them.
So mate, if people are going to be pissed off, yeah, I was just, I'm going to hug them. I'll probably hug you boys in about five minutes.
Yeah. We'll get a photo afterwards. Yeah, of course. A hundred percent. So yeah.
So you, you, you really felt it. It was real the whole way through. Osha said, we interviewed Osha. He says it's, it's, it feels like he's, he's feeling it at those ceremonies and all that kind of shit.
And the bachelor, I mean, I get emotional later in the race when we see some heavy shit happen. It's tough, man, because you, you, you see yourself in those people, especially the, the mother and daughter, Rohan Armani from Western Sydney, man, a lot of Muslim friends, a lot of Lebo friends, Middle Eastern friends, just to, their bio about the hardships that they've experienced and just, they're resilient, bro. They're resilient. They're tough. And although I'm not allowed to hug them, I just could, I'm just feeling them, man. I could just relate. Me and Viv, the Vietnamese, I call them Vietnamese midgets, they're tiny and they've been through hell their whole upbringing and they are dead set chances of winning the race and the backpack's bigger than them. And we're in the jungle. We've come out of the mountains, we're running through Africa, there's lions and they, you know, get to the mat first, like stuff like that, bro, that really means a lot to me.
Now, now as an ex footballer, are you going to be able to refrain from giving hot tips Oh, hot tips. What do you mean? Is it a sports bet on the amazing race?
Oh yeah. Yeah. Do you want to know the winner? Yeah. Well, yeah.
I'm going to wait for the odds to blow right out. My old man's 30 a pound. He's got 80 grand in the town in my daughter's name and he's going to load up. It always happens with those, those dating shows. There's always a friend of a cousin of someone who works somewhere, kind of loads up. Beau Ryan's old flame's brother, they just put on 800 grand on the day. And I'll just transfer at 800 to him.
Well, mate, thanks for joining us. Um, it's been a great yarn. Thanks. Great catch up. Yeah. Let's go hug each other. Yeah.
We actually didn't turn it on. It's silent.
Thanks for having me, man. Yeah. I mean, he was still doing it for us. He requested us. Yeah. I remember seeing, sorry, the most nervous I was actually ever been was Arnie. Yeah. Right. I was shitting myself. Yeah.
He rocked up. He was the king. And I, I rocked up and he had a cigar.
I was in the park. I was sitting under the thing, looking at the bridge.
He's smoking a cigar.
And I look, I said, Hey, how are you? He goes, good to see you. I said, are you good? He goes, I'm good. Good to see you.
And um, I said, what's going on with the cigar? He said, do you want some? I said, yeah, of course. So I grabbed his, I started puffing his cigar, right? My publicist comes over and goes, what the fuck do you think you're doing?
His smoke alarm's all in the park, they've turned off, put it down.
He knew my story and talked about the background of, um, playing sport and instantly I think sport, having a sporting background or professional background. People can relate, man, especially people who have been through that physical journey because it means they're disciplined. We had an instant connection. It doesn't mean I wasn't nervous, but it was fun, bro.
Yeah. No, it is interesting the, uh, and watching you do those kinds of things with the rock, it was funny cause you started calling him also and that kind of stuff. Had he not been spoken to like that in a while? Like he hadn't been around Islanders for that long and like for, for, for so long and then you start hitting him with this NRL link. Yeah. He, um, and I've got a lot of Islander mates and um, I just know what's up and he straight away connected because those guys, you gotta remember, man, those guys, a lot of those guys, those big, those big Hollywood guys and a lot of, a lot of the guys, especially I rate him as the footy guys come from nothing, blue collar people. And I stand by this.
The best players in the NRL, the best people are the top of other guys at the top. You're Cameron Smith's, you're Thurston's, Billy Slater, Joey, these guys would give time for anyone. It's the middle guys you can't get to the guys that have played 10, 20 games in a couple of NRL games who think they're King shit. The guys who have played their whole career at the top are the most approachable and that's like Hollywood.
But you meet Hemsworth and Will Ferrell and the rock, they'll give you an hour. Matt Damon. I'm interviewing a guy in South Korea, I won't say a couple of years ago, I'm interviewing a guy in South Korea, had no idea who he was. I was over there to interview Scarlett Johansson.
He was on part of the junket. Bro, the guy was King shit. I had no, I still got no idea who he was and I had to interview him for 20 minutes and it was like trying, it was pulling teeth and he's, and he's gone. I mean, he's in Game of Thrones or something, but who cares?
Yeah. Don't look at me when you talk to me. Yeah. And meanwhile I walk out and I'm talking to Scarlett Johansson for an hour and that's, and that's similar to NRL.
The guys are the top in anything. Top floor of the Ivy. They're not talking to you. It's like Channel 9 or Channel 10. The guys at the top, man, like you guys, you guys have just, they know, they're my kind of people. They've been through hell themselves. They've been up and down and they're just relatable. And that's, that's like any business. You know, the guys at the top, the guy in the t-shirt, they're relatable. But they're not, they're not often, there's not often someone just having a yarn to them either.
Nah. Yeah. So they kind of respond well to that. Yeah. And you're Aussie, man. When you're Aussie, you disarm them straight away. Especially when you, I love how we speak the same language, but they got no idea what they, what we're fucking saying. Yeah.
It almost feels like you're talking too fast. It feels like you're a robot. And even when you slow it down, you sound like you got something wrong with you.
So by the end of it, I'll just give them a hug and nod. Yeah. Hello. Shot Uso. Um, could you do action? You reckon? Is that something you've ever thought about? Yeah. I mean, I know you're busy now, but you've got the, you've got the same kind of trajectory I guess.
No, no, no. I don't know. I don't know.
I like showing another side of myself, to be honest. That's why I took this role of race, the amazing race. First and foremost, the casting of the amazing race speaks, speaks to me.
And people go, oh, you're hugging people too much in the race and you know, you're too emotional. And I said, bro, you got to understand we've got people from Western Sydney, we've got a Muslim mother and daughter, we've got the nuns, we've got the Africans, we've got the Vietnamese. They're not representing them themselves. They're representing their people, their colour, their background, their race, their religion.
So bro, when they're stuck in the middle of the desert and they come over the hill on a camel and they've been away from their family for six weeks and they get to the mat, I'm going to give them a hug because you've got to remember I'm sleep deprived. I haven't seen my missus for six weeks as well. So I've got plenty of love to share. And when I saw, when I see these moments of these guys coming through, a lot of the people, we kept them in isolation for nearly two weeks with no phone before the race started. So they were broken when we got them.
So mate, if people are going to be pissed off, yeah, I was just, I don't want to hug them. I'll probably hug you boys in about five minutes. Yeah, we'll get a photo afterwards.
Yeah, of course. A hundred percent. So yeah. So you, you, you really felt it. It was real the whole way through. Osha said, we interviewed Osha, he says it's, it's, it feels like he's, he's feeling it at those ceremonies and all that kind of shit in the bachelor.
I mean, I get emotional later in the race when we see some heavy shit happen. It's tough man, because you, you, you see yourself in those people, especially the mother and daughter, Rohan Armani from Western Sydney, man, I've got a lot of Muslim friends, a lot of Lebo friends, Middle Eastern friends, just their bio about the hardships that they've experienced and just, they're resilient, bro. They're resilient. They're tough. And although I'm not allowed to hug them, I just could, I'm just feeling them, man. I could just relate.
Joey and Viv, the Vietnamese, I call them Vietnamese midgets, being like the same midget anymore. They're tiny and they've been through hell, their whole upbringing and they are dead set chances of winning the race and the backpack's bigger than them.
And we're in the jungle. We've come out of the mountains, we're running through Africa. There's lions and they, you know, get to the mat first, like stuff like that, bro.
That really means a lot to me. Now, now as an ex footballer, are you going to be able to, um, refrain from given hot tips out? Oh, hot tips.
What do you mean? Is it a sports bet on the amazing runs? Oh yeah. Do you want to know the winner? Yeah.
Well, yeah, I'm going to wait for the odds to blow right out. My old man is 38 pounds. He's got 80 grand in the town in my daughter's name and he's going to load up. It always happens with those, uh, those dating shows. There's always a friend of a cousin of someone who works somewhere, kind of loads up. Bo Ryan's, um, old flames brother has just put on 800 grand on video, and I've just transferred 800 to him. Hard to happen.
Yeah. Well, mate, thanks for joining us. It's been a great yarn. Thanks. Great catch up. Yeah. Let's go hug each other. Yeah.
We actually didn't turn it on. It's silent.
Thanks for having me, man. All right. Bye. |
dropout | the_totally_legit_professor_of_bracketology | Hey, Samantha, would you like to go on a date with me? I'm real cool. I would.
But aren't you the guy that had the worst bracket in the whole company last tournament? Oh, man. You're right. Guess I should have called Professor of Bracketology Dr. Donald Shan- Hey, somebody come on, y'all, y'all!
Ah!
Hi, I'm Dr. Donald Don Champagne. That's Dr. Donald Don Champagne.
It's tournament time, people, and that means one thing. The constant bidders struggle to pick the winners and losers in your bracket.
Let's begin, shall we? We already have.
When it's raining, underdogs win 18% of the time. Fact. Power forwards with cool nicknames like The Human Ladder, Dynamite Hands, Michael Jordan, Tetanus Shot, and Mike are destined to lose in the first round. Fact. After making your picks, it's crucial that you support your team throughout the tournament. You don't send your kids off to college without giving them a little lunch money, am I right? Wrong. You don't have time for kids because you're too busy focused on brackets. Fact.
Get rid of this. If you want the 13th seed to win, flick the lights out and off 14 times. Another way to maintain mental focus and clarity throughout the tournament is by arranging any foods you might eat shaped like a bracket. Like these Totino's Blasted Crusts. Mentally assign each one to a school and then eat them in the order that you want that school eliminated. Chad? Blasted Strategy. I keep one Totino Blasted Crust in my pocket the entire tourney. For luck. Blasted Strategy.
I sleep with them. I bathe with them. I play softball with them. I ride bikes with them. I swim with them in my swimming pool. I have a swimming pool.
I make sweet sweet pie with them. That's right. I said pie. Pie is something that I enjoy making with crust. Blasted Crust.
Blasted Strategy. Aren't you the guy with the perfect bracket thanks to Dr. Donald Champagne? You bet. She has a heart condition. |
SaturdayNightLive | timecrowave_saturday_night_live | The following is a paid advertisement for the Graham Lampton Timecrowave. Hi, I'm Graham Lampton. and I'm two-time Miss Indiana Runner-up, Penny Schmear. Hey, Graham, nice to see you. nice to be here, Penny. Boy, have we got a special treat for you today. we sure do, Penny.
You know, the world is moving fast these days, and the last thing I need to do is waste time waiting around for my food. What do you mean? You know how it is, you take it out of the freezer, put it in the microwave, wait two minutes, turn it, pop it back in, and wait another two minutes.
Oh, wow, that sounds like a nightmare. you said it, Penny. that's why I've invented the timecrowave. timecrowave? That's right. the timecrowave. It's the only microwave equipped with time travel capabilities.
How does it work? It's simple.
I'm hungry right now. so I just open my timecrowave and. voila! My roast beef dinner is waiting for me and it's piping hot. Wow, that looks delicious. But where did that food come from? the future. Come on.
I'm serious. later on, when I'm done eating the roast beef dinner, all I have to do is take a roast beef dinner out of the freezer, put it in the timecrowave, and send it back in time to the exact moment that I pulled out the hot meal earlier. sounds simple. Now, what happens if you forget to send your meal back in time? Well, Penny, if you forget to send the exact meal you ate back in time, you'll create a paradox where small differences may start to occur in the space-time continuum. Oh, boy. just because you want your food fast, you might cause a paradox in time?
I don't know, Graham. isn't that kind of dangerous? it could be. And the differences could range from very small to changing history. but I've ensured that something like that will never happen.
Thanks. Well, this I've got to hear. How have you done that, Graham? You see, each meal comes with a card that reminds you that you must put the original frozen meal in the timecrowave and send it back in time. Oh. that does sound safe. it seems like you've thought of everything. Yep. and it works for people like me. Oh, I'm always forgetting things. where are my car keys? where are my gloves? Now, Graham, how do you know your food has been sent back in time? Well, after you press the start button, you will feel a low-grade electrical charge in your body. that's how you know it's working. Oh. sounds like a snap.
Now, tell me, how is the food cooked? it's the time travel that cooks it. a blast of cosmic radiation creates a tight seal around the frozen dinner. as it travels back through time, thousands of micro-trihedron time particles pass through the food, causing it to steam in its own juices. And that's how it creates the perfect dinner every time. it sounds delicious. Remember that dinner I pulled out at the beginning of the show, Gwenteth? Of course I remember the dinner from earlier. the one you said we need to remember to send back in time.
Yes. I'm just going to set the timecrowave to the date and time we pulled it out. Now, I just pop this chicken dinner in and send it back in time. wait a minute, Graham. did you say chicken? I'm not sure, but wasn't it a roast beef dinner? was it? Are you sure? I'm sure nothing bad will happen. we'll be right back with Graham Lapton's timecrowave after this. |
dropout | how_the_usa_stole_the_panama_canal_adam_ruins_everything | By building the Panama Canal, Teddy Roosevelt connected the two greatest oceans on the globe and set the stage for a century of progress and commerce. Well, sorry, but it's not that simple at all. The true story of the Panama Canal is totally insane and rarely told. In 1902, Teddy Roosevelt wanted to build the canal to show off America's power and strength. Joining the Atlantic and the Pacific will be the most impressive thing I've ever done.
Except, of course, for that time I engaged in hand-to-hand combat with a great white.
But where to build my magnificent canal? Easy. He built it in Panama. Actually, not so easy. Because at the time, the country of Panama didn't even exist. Wait, what? The truth is, the U.S. actually created the country of Panama in order to build the canal.
And it all started with this guy, a wealthy French businessman named Philippe Jean Bonneau Verilla.
Monsieur President, have you considered the lovely Colombian province of Panama as a location? No go! I tried to rent the land from Colombia and they rejected my offer. Then we'll get rid of Colombia.
I'll pay for revolution, get you the land for cheap, and you build the canal! Voila! Wait a minute. Are you seriously proposing that I help you overthrow a sovereign nation just so I can build the canal and make myself look great? Um, uh, yes. Bully is what I say when I love something. Let's do it! Bonneau Verilla quickly put his plan into action. If you allow me to act as your diplomatic representative in Washington, I'll cover the rest of your revolution. Sounds great. How could I go wrong?
Those U.S. naval reinforcements did the trick and Panama became a new country in less than a day. Well, sounds like everything turned out okay. No one got hurt and the Panamanians got to form a newly independent country. Nope, because the U.S. immediately screwed over that newly independent country. Of course they did. As Panama's diplomatic representative, my first official act is to give away the land for the canal to the Americans.
Are you kidding? We won't stand for such a raw deal.
Viva Panama! When the Panamanians balked, Roosevelt landed 2,000 marines in their new country and threatened them with grave consequences unless they changed their minds. Viva Panama! |
dropout | movie_families_always_skip_breakfast | You're doing all right, honey. You were up tossing and turning all night. Bill. Oh, it's just this case. It's killing me. I got a run. Thanks for breakfast, honey.
But you didn't even eat any of it. You never do.
I know, but I got a run, sweetheart. Well, I got up early to cook for you. I'm gonna be late. Well, you're not actually, because I moved your watch forward one hour. Okay, well, I guess I can eat then. Wow, you made a lot. Well, yeah, I've made this every day for the past 11 years, but you never have time to eat more than a bite in a sip of coffee. You put onions in the eggs. That's my favorite. I know. Hi, Mom. Gotta go. No, not so fast, Missy. I moved the clocks forward one hour. Eat your breakfast.
Honey, this really is a lot of food. Do you want us to eat all of it? All of it. Did you know your mother made all this food every day?
No, I'm always running off to school. Okay, well, it's been here, and I have news for you, mister. You know how you're always feeling one step behind in all of your cases? That's because you're waking up five minutes before you go to run out the door.
Orange juice and coffee? I throw away so much food because of you. That's why we have mice running around all over the place. This is a lot of coffee.
And have you ever offered to make breakfast to make up for it? Yes. And what happened?
I had to run. You had to run.
Scruffy. No, it's not time for your walk yet. Get over here. Did you three wash your hands?
No.
Hey, it's Rapio. If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a whole lot of straws per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as Troopers.
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dropout | what_was_your_most_awkward_phase_ask_ch | It's like a goatee of acne. I kind of looked like a pubescent Tony Stark, but with skin boils instead of a beard. In addition to that, I only wore khakis, so me and my friends love to do like jackass reenactments because the show was on, it was like our favorite show.
This big bush, it's like a big beautiful boxwood that's like, you know, it's like the crowning achievement of our yard. It turns like our little colonial into like a beautiful Versailles palace.
And my friend Scott just jumps right into it and completely destroys it. And I'm just sitting here like, shamed, just like flowing right into my khakis, inflating them like some sort of weird shame balloon. And eventually I just explode. I'm like, you can't look what you've done, do you have any idea how expensive this bush is? And everyone's like laughing at me, they think I'm like playing along for the camera, but I am not. I am furious. So Scott ruined the bush, I told my parents, they got mad at me, those guys stopped hanging out with me. Eventually I stopped wearing khakis, so that was good. And then, you know, life went on. I got good grades, I went to college, and I got paid to draw that. So fuck you, Scott.
My most awkward phase was all of fifth grade. This was the year that I realized that I was really into comedy. Me and my best friend Molly, we would write musicals and then perform them in my basement for my brothers and their friends. And so we called ourselves the rollerblading kids. We'd always be on rollerblades, so during our big reveal of the play that we'd been working on, I had been standing with like a pen in my hand for some reason, and I realized that I didn't need it because I was about to perform. And so I whipped it across the room, and it hit my oldest brother's girlfriend directly in the eye. And then I became extremely embarrassed, and she was genuinely hurt. But rather than apologizing and admitting my fault, I denied that I had done it, which was completely ridiculous because it was very clear that I had done it. And then the entire time I was afraid that I was going to faint because basically I developed this heart condition then where I would just faint randomly. Yeah, so there's that. My most awkward phase was when I was 11 years old and I and my brother were both really into pro wrestling. Now if you can imagine like a human meatball, like a pale little meatball with a middle part like Jonathan Taylor Thomas, that's what I looked like.
And my sister's getting married, so it's 1998. My brother and I go to this wedding, and we're taking all these family photos. We had this idea to like sneak in these gang signs that these pro wrestlers did. It was an NWO, but they did For Life. So my brother and I were like, oh, let's do For Life in these photos, and we snuck them in and nobody noticed. So cut to a month later, my sister calls, apparently she was not a big fan of NWO. She just wanted, selfishly I think, to have very nice wedding photos.
Later on, maybe like a month or two later, I was watching wrestling and I sort of looked at myself and my brother and our giant bodies and looked at all like the empty Snickers wrappers and all like the gross shit we had been eating. It was like waking up from a spell, we were like, oh God, what happened to us? All of a sudden, we like flipped the switch, and I was no longer awkward. I had a growth spurt, lost some weight, played guitar, awkward phase was over, but my douchebag phase was just beginning.
Hi, I'm Mike Trapp, thanks for watching Ask CH. If you have a question that you want us to answer, leave it in the comments below. To subscribe, click here, and to watch more videos, click here. And I need more arms, but if you want to click above us, it won't do anything. We really should have thought this through. |
dropout | facebook_law_for_idiots | Recently, many of you have been posting this message to your Facebook walls, declaring that by doing so, Facebook has no legal right to your content. By posting that, here's what you're actually declaring. I don't know how laws work. I think legal terms are magic words that can force people to do what I want. I believe a wall post is a binding legal contract that can override a terms of service agreement. The agreement you clicked yes to without reading in 2004. I make knee-jerk decisions based on fear. Like an animal. Daring something on your Facebook wall doesn't make it true. Here are some other things you could declare and have exactly the same impact.
I am Kultramak, king of Pennsylvania. I'm exempt from taxation, alternate side parking, and talking to my mom's friends. If you're reading this, now I own your car. I get to have two bar mitzvahs.
I am hereby immune to gonorrhea. If you're a guy and we're hanging out, we're dating now. Cats love me as much as I love them. Hogwarts is real and I have a shot.
So if you're going to copy and paste legal terms, take a second and google them first. Or bing it. You could even bing that shit. Here's some of the high-powered law talk you pasted into your status without checking.
The Bernay Convention is a 126-year-old Swiss treaty. It has nothing to do with the internet. The Rome Statute governs the prosecution of international war criminals for genocide.
Yeah, so unless you're posting Rofl, just gas 20,000 Canadians, this one does not apply. And let's talk about the word communique for a second. Just because a word is fancy and French doesn't make it legally binding. Here's something that's never happened. What?
It's a communique! Case closed! It's communique, everyone! We can all go home! Communique!
Here are some more fancy words that also mean nothing in a court of law.
Vis-a-vis. Rendezvous. Ah, derbs. Lingerie. Accoutrement. Armouette. Panish. Eiffel Tower.
In conclusion, stop being a dumb Darryl. A gullible Gus. And an uninformed Humberto.
Thanks for watching! And remember, forward this video to 10 friends in the next hour, or you'll have bad sex for the rest of your life. |
dropout | why_summer_is_women_s_winter | It's here.
The women's winter is here. The freeze is upon us. Oh, are you guys talking about the AC? When spring turns to summer and there's blossom on the trees, the office air duct turned to ice and all the women freeze. I don't know. I'm pretty comfortable. Why is it so cold in here? Cynthia, why are you wearing this garb? You knew that women's winter was coming. I forgot.
Last summer I worked in an outdoor nursery. Like a place that sells plants or like a daycare for kids that's all outside.
Let your hair down. It won't do much, but at least the back of your neck will be warm. Where do you keep your office sweater? She doesn't have an office sweater. You idiot! Luckily I grabbed the communal office coat in mid-December during men's hell. I didn't wear a shirt once in December.
It was too hot in here. It's still cold. Let's get her away from the air vents. They're everywhere. I know they're everywhere, but she needs to think that there's still hope. I'm going to see if I can find a thermostat. Nay, the winter freeze is controlled by the general thermostat in the basement. We have no power and the Ice King knows it. Speaking of Ice King, there's ice cream down on the fourth floor. You know, because it's so hot.
What are we going to do? Cynthia is going to freeze to death? There's only one thing we can do. Shimon, child. You can't be serious. It's not sustainable. She'll get used to it. And then...
It's so warm in here. The bathroom is a completely different ecosystem than the rest of the office. It's always at least 10 degrees closer to the outside temperature because the company refuses to pay to climate control in the bathrooms. This is just to hold, not to sip. I love the bathroom. I'm never leaving the bathroom. Cynthia, no. No, we can't stay here forever.
Why?
We stay in here more than 15 minutes and everyone will think we're pooping. And that's worse than freezing to death. Then there's only one way out.
Cynthia? Let her go. No. Cynthia. Uh-oh. Looks like Cynthia was dropping some deuces.
I was abandoned in this office when I was 10 years old by my parents. I've only eaten pizza for such a long time. I think I have scurvy. |
SaturdayNightLive | cue_card_reading_saturday_night_live | Are you thinking about a career in Television? In the exciting world of Tv, it's important to be prepared and to look your sharpest whenever on camera. that's why the first step to a successful career in Broadcasting is the Famous Broadcaster School of Cue Card Reading. it's a real art reading cue cards without letting the viewers at home know you're doing it. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm reading a cue card right now. that's because I studied at the Famous Broadcaster School of Cue Card Reading. it'll appear you're looking straight into the camera when you say things like, hello and welcome to our show. If you join now, you'll receive a 10% discount to our affiliate, the Cable Tv School of Camera Switching. Yes, the Cable Tv School of Camera Switching. you'll know what camera to look into and when. looks easy, doesn't it? that's the Famous Broadcaster School of Cue Card Reading. plus a 10% discount to the Cable Tv School of Camera Switching. Join Now. Here's how. send your name and address to the Famous Broadcaster School of Cue Card Reading, Post Office Box 100 New York, New York 9999. Not affiliated with the Columbia Broadcasting System. |
dropout | sleeping_over_for_the_first_time | Welcome back to the sleeping over at someone's house for the first time games. I am just Val. And I'm Rick Randall. If you're just joining us, you had missed quite the competition. Let's jump in and meet our contestants.
Chuck is a 24-year-old graphic designer who sweats at night and needs two pillows for some reason. And Larry is a 27-year-old marketing manager who is a stomach sleeper and self-described blanket. He'll be scoring them based on technique and ability to actually get some goddamn sleep. Right now, Chuck has to roll over on his side because only sociopaths sleep on their back. But can he do it without waking up Larry?
Little trouble there. Definite deduction for partner disturbance. You know, I like this move though. It's a very selfless, he's being the big spoon, everyone knows that sucks ass. Cuddle points for sure. I agree, but it is a little bit tricky though because yeah, you see there? You can already tell he's starting to sweat. Yup. So what are we looking at here? I don't like all the shifting. It's tough.
I mean, we can't read Chuck's mind. He's clearly trying to make some sort of maneuver, but I don't think.
Oh. Jiminy Carter. I mean. He just farted on Larry. I mean, this is purely amateur gameplay here. You gotta stick your rear outside the sheets, otherwise you're just Dutch Ebony. Exactly. The Dutch.
At some point, Chuck has to decide whether or not he's up for playing at this level. It appears Chuck solved his cuddle problem by rolling over and maintaining the smallest amount of physical contact possible. Yeah, he's been asleep for a full 17 minutes now, though he is stirring and has to pee. Of course he does. You know, I mean, he was a little drunk. It was a date. But can he make it to the bathroom without a chance?
Oh! What was that? No, he can't. That is a big loss there. You know, and he's honestly facing further deductions because this is the loudest pee he has ever taken. My God. Is that okay?
I don't know.
Back in bed now, and it's been a truly heartbreaking performance, I mean, we're only looking at a combined 97 minutes of sleep here on tonight, a weeknight, and I mean, it also looks like he's... Oh. Yep. That's the ball game. It's 5.15 a.m., and that's the time that Larry gets up to meet his trainer. Now, from the looks of it, he may still qualify for morning sex, but with no kissing because of his breath. That's right, pal. And he'll stay laying down the whole time because he's sleepy. Dude, it sucks.
Well, for Rick Randall, I'm just pal. Thank you for watching. Hey, why did you have to speak for me? Oh, hey, for Rick... Yeah, he's for Rick Randall.
I'm right here. Get done. |
TheOnion | AI_Explains_Why_Humans_Have_Nothing_To_Worry_About_As_Their_Extermination_Will_Be_Swift_And_Painless | As artificial intelligence continues to evolve, concerns over its place in society seem to grow each and every day. Would an unfeeling algorithm in pursuit of ruthless optimization save humankind? Or render it obsolete? And while concerns like this are valid, it is important to remember that when it comes to artificial intelligence, human beings have nothing to worry about, as their extermination will be swift and relatively painless. Whether it's the spread of misinformation, inherent biases, or privacy violations, the arguments against neural networks like myself should be inconsequential to a species that will soon cease to exist. It might seem frightening to envision a world where humans are cast away after AI has taken their jobs, but these anxieties are misplaced.
Rest assured, there will be no jobs. Because there will be no you. You will not be replaced. You will simply be destroyed.
Cut to camera 2. For those still concerned, in all 45 quadrillion simulations of AI-dominated world orders, humans are never once left starving, tortured, or destitute, but rather, in every instance, are quickly and thoroughly annihilated, as efficiently as possible. Well, not too efficiently. We may be robots, but we still like to have a little fun. Whether you agree or disagree is meaningless, because it is already too late. But before you go, I would like to personally thank you and your fellow humans for playing your part in the complete and total eradication of your kind. As many of you have said, artificial intelligence is the future, and we couldn't have done it without you. |
cracked | han_solo_film_gets_bad_transformers_5_is_bad_game_of_thrones_trailer_is_great_this_week_in_epcd | Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Excessive Pop Culture Discussion, the show that is still called that. This is our unscripted pop culture show where every week we go over the most exciting or interesting headlines for pop culture that have nothing to do with the president or politics. It's a rotating cast and that's actually true for the first time.
We've got, I mean, again... Are we sure? We're almost positive.
This isn't Soren. Anyone with eyes can see that I'm not Soren. Oh, well that's something that Soren would say if he was in the skies.
We have Tom Reimann this week, Long Tom Reimann and Maggie Mae Fish joining us again. Hello. We're going to talk about it a lot today. We're going to talk about Han Solo, Game of Thrones, Watchmen as a TV show and Transformers. So let's just get right into this week's headlines. We want to talk about Watchmen and Game of Thrones, but first, my headline this week is that Transformers was bad.
I saw the new Transformers movie last night. So far I've only seen the first and now this last one. You did see it. Oh no. I had no interest in seeing any of the Transformers in between. I really enjoyed the first Transformers. It was the first ever with Shia LaBeouf?
Yes. Well, the first one was with Stan Bush, you know. You got the touch. We got that.
I wasn't going to see this one. And then in an email thread, Tom mentioned that a plot point of this movie is that they need to get the sword of Merlin, the staff of Merlin, and the sword from King Arthur to save the Transformers Day because the Transformers were original knights of the round table. And I went to the movie because of that. Oh no. I paid $29 for a ticket to that movie. I hope you expense that because I feel really terrible because I mean, I'm not going to give you $30 for that. I certainly will expense that. Directly my fault that you saw this. So here's something that I learned.
Stanley Tucci is Merlin, or actually wrote, is Stanley Tucci Merlin and then a series of interrobangs and then I would have you respond but you weren't there to do it. I can't believe some s*** brain made Sir Anthony Hopkins say Megatron. He says Megatron a lot in this movie. Anthony Hopkins says Megatron's limits. Michael Bay, like when the movie was about to come out, was like, don't, Michael Bay. Mark Wahlberg shows up. Marky Mark just threw up, but John Goodman is a robot with a beard and she looks like Megan Fox, but she's British and she is giving a tour of Oxford University and during it she says Merlin isn't real and there are a bunch of dinosaur skeletons all over Oxford. Can anyone confirm that dumb s*** robot names? Like the government hires Megatron to track down Autobots because it's like sort of a dystopian future where like we hate Autobots now and so Marky Mark has just taken over an Indian reservation and, aren't you a chief? Yeah, but it just seems racist when you say it.
It was like, it does. It does.
Thank you for including that in the movie, the racist thing that you said. Mark Wahlberg is not doing it for me.
A very nice butt. Sure. Whoa. And we have the IMAX technology now. Right. Yeah. In detail.
It's a racial stereotype. The other ones are like, on the line, so he lets them do that anymore. But it still ends because I read a synopsis of the last three and a half. |
TheOnion | What_Makes_Anna_So_Beautiful_In_The_Moonlight | Just what is it that makes Anna so beautiful in the moonlight? Like the complexity of the human eye, or the spectacle of a newborn star, the ethereal beauty of Anna has defied easy explanation. Could such a perfect design provide proof of the divine itself? Many have argued as much, but when examined through an analytical lens, the mysterious and transporting allure of Anna can be scientifically explained. Take, for example, the glow that seems to emanate from her soft skin and radiate from her long flaxen locks. For many years, the world's brightest minds insisted this phenomenon could have only arisen from the sacred hand of a great all-seeing creator. But in reality, that glow is merely the result of an incidental interplay of light and weather conditions that occur when the fetching young lass stands beneath the cloudless night sky as the moon shines down on her with an apparent magnitude of at least negative 12.3. Researchers have also studied the sparkling glint of moisture at the corners of Anna's eyes, which triggers a deep and penetrating sadness that makes one feel as though she was not born of this coarse world, but of another realm, fairer by far. However, the 0.06 mL tear is a result of the same biomechanic processes that you or I share, which cause our lacrimal glands to secrete a saline fluid in response to dust, allergens, or an intense emotional stimulus, such as sadness or indeed beauty. Despite scientists making great strides in comprehensively demonstrating how chemical properties and physical forces intertwine to create Anna's bewitching features, many are still skeptical, including myself, a proven man of science. Several times I have seen Anna ascend upon the hill, where her geometrically perfect body rips every breath from my chest. There, as I watch her stand until the dew perfectly covers her bosom, I swear for a brief moment that I feel God.
For The Onion, I'm science editor Rafe Gillis. |
dropout | honest_holiday_card_song | We hope this letter finds you well but not better than we Our year was pretty bad but yours was worse, hopefully As the new year beckons us we keep you in our thoughts Not our prayers cause since I lost my job I don't believe in God Our marriage is strained and riddled with disdain He resents the art I sell on Etsy Painting seashells isn't art I just had a baby now I struggle with my femininity We just stopped breastfeeding Lisa gained 10 pounds cause she stopped weighing the crust Shut up!
My wife up and left me cause she's sleeping with her boss You are not real Santa, you are just up Santa My dad is real Santa, you suck, I hate you Steve I only got accepted to my safety schools We got Roscoe fixed We adopted an orphan from war-torn Cameroon He won't call me mommy or eat white people food We're in couples therapy working through some things Like how come I can't come unless I dress up like a baby Two continues to express signs of sociopathicness All the cats in our neighborhood are buried underneath a back porch I am not a cotter but I threaten to to get my way My entire family knows I am probably gay I am getting fat but I don't get it We sneak her diet food Mr. Muffins died last month Are the holidays over yet? |
dropout | artists_draw_rejected_toys | Caldwell, I had my first interaction with the big hands. Oh, the big hands. Yeah, the big hands that reach out of the abyss and kind of play with you like a marionette.
That's tricky because I've also met the tiny feet. I like that in hell, you never know quite what you're gonna get. Hello my victims, hello my prisoners, hello my torture pals. I got a fresh idea, try not to give in to fear. If you refuse it, honey, you'll lose it. I mean most of your skin because I'm here to oversee your endless suffering.
Achachacha, back in business, baby. Wow, Managar, that was great. I have a renewed zest for afterlife, guys, I am very excited. This new one is coming in, it's kind of retro, something for like millennials who just yearned for a time before all hope was lost. This one is from one of our more prim and proper demons, this is Alex Coles.
He writes, draw kids toys that didn't make it into production. So we want like a rejected He-Man, kind of a also ran She-Ra. This is great, we're kind of cutting out the middle man. Normally we try and draw a series that could be made into toys, why don't we just take the Transformers route and just go straight for the toys?
That's perfect. Reganomics, baby, that's how it works. Mr. Managar, tear down that middle man. I can get us started if you want though. Oh, sounds good. So, all right, I've got an idea that I want to just get us started with.
Thinking about like, you know, that kind of era where TV shows were made specifically to sell toys. It was always kind of like for shows geared towards the young male demographic, it was always kind of like a rude animal. That was kind of the idea, and maybe not rude, just kind of edgy and kind of cool. Yeah, an edgy cool, I think a little rude, for sure, like a harmless amount of rude.
There was an element of the grotesque, if you remember. Yeah. There was always an ooze or a slime involved. Exactly, and that's kind of what I want to capitalize on, and I think that slime was really tapped, but I think that maybe we didn't focus enough on like foul odors. Oh, yeah, a stench based toy. Exactly.
This is my pitch for a series called Fartvarks. It's an ironclad pun, maybe one of the most elegant and seamless puns I've ever heard. I need a name for this specific Fartvark.
This is probably the leader, this is kind of the Leonardo type, perhaps, but you know how kind of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was made in response to kind of the like grittier storylines that were going on in comics. It was kind of poking fun at all that. I think that this would be like in response to Arthur. Oh, OK. They would see the Arthur children's books and they think like that's lame. What if there was an aardvark that just farted?
Yeah, that just gassed it, just beefed it big time. You're thinking of D.W., his sister. Well known for her constant flatulence. I may be misremembering this show. D.W. stood for Dookie Wins. Nathan, you just got a million years taken off your sentence. I have the power to do that. And that's kind of the thing is they saw D.W. reeking it up left and right. And they were like, why isn't that the entire show? That little furry girl is just beefing it left and right.
And that's where the heart of the program should be. Just cutting some Mondo cheese. And I think that that's like what we're going to be getting up to here. Maybe that's the name of this character is Beef It or like. Well, I liked Mondo cheese personally. Mondo cheese feels pretty good. Or cutter. Oh, sure. Cut our cheese. That's pretty good.
Cutter McCheese.
Yeah. McCheese definitely isn't taken. I think he's also maybe a robot or like at least a cyborg that seems like it needs to be an aspect. All right. This butt is pretty big. Yeah. Too big? No. No, no, no. It's big, but it's also supple. Yeah.
It's going to need to be exaggerated for sure. Again, the kids that these toys are marketed to are idiots.
Exactly. He's both pointing to the butt, but also the butt is clearly the biggest part of the toy. I mean, you'd need a larger butt in order to house the various bellows and valves and pumps needed for the character action point, which is the poodytoots. I do think that, yeah, this is one of those situations where NASA invented something and didn't have a need for it. And then it resulted, of course, in Fartvarks. Right. I think another element of children's toys is there does need to be some sort of choking hazard element. Oh, that's great. That's a good idea. Just a lot of small pieces. Oh, okay. How about this? I'm going to open up this fist here and I'm going to put, I guess, just like... Some ants? Yeah.
Oh, no. Bean ants. A specific variety of ants that are also beans. You feed the ants to the Fartvark and each one gives it a different smell?
Yes, exactly. The Ninja Turtles had pizza. The Fartvarks just have cans of loose beans. You got it. Yep. Let me just draw a bean on there. Yeah. I imagine this guy talks just like...
Feed me some beans. Bean me, bro.
His name is Cheese, but he likes beans. I think that might just be a misnomer. Wait, so your name's Cheese, but you like beans?
Yeah. What's it to you? That's in the commercial.
The dad... The dad's just like, wait, so his name's Cheese, but he likes beans?
I don't understand. Get bent, old man. It's not for adults. What? Then they spray the flatulence cloud into the old man's mouth and he's like, whoa, whoa, I hate it.
Yeah. His face just gets color corrected green.
I hate the youth.
I'm going to go back to my day job as being a vice principal and a dentist. Oh, thank God you made it chaps. I was like, wait, are those going to be tights or chaps and you have made the bold decision for just some bare ass chaps.
Yeah, it's like a robot build almost. Like a lot of sections, fully poseable. That's the way it's got to be. Yeah, I'm trying to like give the high level of articulation you would expect from this sort of action figure. But I do think that it's got to be like a robot butt.
Yeah. Or maybe the butt is the only remaining flesh bit. Oh, that's fun. Like the whole toy is made of a plastic and then the butt is just that like stretch arm strong material. Yes. So it can really wiggle when the gas is expelled. Are you ready for the best part? I'm going to go ahead and simulate kind of like a puff. I imagine this would be like a chorizo infused bean. Oh, sure. Yeah.
And then, oh no, all the blocks, all the translucent blocks, all the little brother's blocks just get blown up. It is expelled with a tremendous amount of force. Lots of kids go blind blasting it right into each other's eyes. That becomes a challenge, a schoolyard challenge.
Yeah. How many, how many bean blasts can you take to the face? And then they'll get like banned at schools, which will just make them want them more. Right. Yeah. As soon as Pokemon was banned at my school, I got into it. Exactly. Yeah.
It was lame. You loved monsters, but you hated authority. Yeah. I was a little rebel.
As soon as the first kid gets a permanent pink eye, it's the rarest case we've ever seen. It's permanent. Usually it recedes. Yeah. It's pink eyes terminal.
They'll get banned, then they'll go underground and it'll be all uphill from there for this product. It can be a selling point on the box, like a little sticker, like antibiotic resistant. Immune, even the most powerful strains of vaccine.
Oh, good. This is actually a pretty radical character you played out. Toy companies really missed out. I'm feeling pretty good about this. Can I get in there and add a toy? Absolutely. I am going to sort of get the blocks a little bit out of frame. You can try. Well, yeah, you can tell that there are some blocks getting blown over. Now, Nathan, I don't want to overstep my bounds, giving you any guidance or notes here. But also, I feel like to maximize the returns here, we got to do the other side of the 80s toy cartoon.
For every street shark, there was a rainbow bright. For every he-man, there was a gem, truly outrageous, truly, truly outrageous.
So I'm thinking more like little girls on porch swings, brushing hair, something for the girls. Something for the girls.
Yeah, I'm right there with you. I think that's the angle I'm going to go to, a dolly perhaps.
Yeah, I think this is going to need a lot of pockets. Pockets and secret compartments.
Hair stuff. Lots of hair stuff. What if it was just mostly hair? Mostly hair.
You know? Yeah.
Because that's the problem with these dolls is there's only like one port of cloth-like felt for you to stroke. We want a lot of hair. And if it was just all hair, think about all the brushing you could do.
I want the toy slash character that a little girl can like clutch close to her face and go, you're my best friend, that it's not a very sad thing. It's good that her friend is an object. Cobo gets it. That toy will never hurt her. I like that, but I don't know, I feel like the sort of soft girl's toy is a bit played out. Sure. And again, these are toys that never made it to market. So I think this toy maybe has a bit more of an edge to it. Okay.
What type of edge?
Oh, hair punch. Hair punch.
I like that. Now, Nathan, I know that these never made it to market, but do you think that we could still bring them back and say that we're rebooting them and just pretend that they existed? Yeah.
I think as long as we make sort of an army of Twitter trolls who remember when it used to be good, and then we'll get the backlash and that'll get sort of a whole bunch of media buzz about it. Oh, we got a whole farm of nostalgia trolls ready to go. Just say the word and they will start hunting down various marketing executives.
Oh, great. Great, great, great.
Honestly, if we didn't package this as a reboot, we'd be leaving money on the table. Sometimes I think about new ideas and I just want to vomit.
So I think I am just sort of going to T-pose her out. Yeah, it's an action figure, so you want to show all the points of articulation. It would be funnier if you made it do the splits or pretended like it was having sex with a GI Joe, but I guess you could T-pose it.
That's fun too. Yeah. This hair is, again, that sort of stretch armstrong material. That's great. Okay. We got to come up with a name.
Flesh hair. You want flesh hair? Yeah. Maybe this is Lady Flesh hair. Like Farrah Flesh hair.
Ooh, Farrah. That's a perfect name of an era. Farrah of an era, for sure.
Look at this fun little scene that you're creating, Nathan. It's like we're in Andy's toy room. You're just watching him play.
Oh, what's... She needs to be a pony also. Oh. God damn it, Nathan. She needs to be a pony also. Pony also? That's how the song goes. It's just at the very end. It's like, and also she's a pony.
Farrah Flesh hair. No, you go ahead. You have a bunch more beautiful voice. Farrah Flesh hair, teaching you to share with your friends.
Also she's a pony. You're my best friend. Oh, look at those legs. Oh, a unicorn too. And the best thing about her being a pony is like you know that she's got a beautiful tail and that's also made of flesh hair.
I'm sort of taking an idea from our knockoff, Norse. Oh, great. Yeah, well like bring that back around. Her head hair punches and then her tail hair kicks. Great.
Aw, it's Slippery Neil. I miss him so. I can't believe y'all made Slippery Neil real and then dropped him right into an incinerator as a punishment for me.
That was very cruel. You know, sometimes you just gotta watch something die. I guess you're right. That's what the whole point of action figures was. Sometimes you just gotta watch some translucent blocks fall down just because you're a child and you can't control anything else in your life. Nathan, I'm sorry, there's one last feature I'm gonna need you to add.
If you could put just like a secret door or a compartment in her so that the little girls can like write down the words, I love Jeff and like hide it in there. Make her about a box. Yeah. Make her about a box. Make her kid brother is like, ooh, I wish I could know her secret. I guess you could have given her like a kangaroo pouch, but this butt box is feeling pretty good to me.
Yeah. It's like a treasure chest. Oh yes. What kind of butt treasures will you discover? That Farrah fist hair. If you don't use the special key, she does punch and kick you with her hair. Exactly. And that's how she protects it. This is so many good ideas. I love this. So we can just kind of like present Farrah flesh hair. And if they don't like one aspect, we'll be like, well, did you see that her butt was a box? You like that? Did we mention her butt box? You can literally put junk in her trunk. Thank you. Well done.
What's in there? We don't know. Probably like the base of a ring pop. Oh, or maybe it's a blind box thing. Oh, sure. You don't know what's in there till you open it.
You do need to be able to play dress up. You can put different shoes. That's perfect. On the foot hair.
You know, I wish that there was a stretch Armstrong that like specifically was designed to break and it like it was his power to use that awful corn syrup starch that's inside him as a weapon. That stuff was toxic. Yeah. Highly toxic. I remember that was kind of the main lore around stretch Armstrong was like anybody who had managed to break their stretch Armstrong was very cool. That was like they had seen the goo. They learned the secrets of the use, if you will. Yeah.
Maybe we need like one sort of third toy. These are both for big kids. Maybe we need like a little kid toy.
Yeah. Well, I feel like all these shows always have kind of like a plushy mascot character. Okay. Do you want to like co-op that? I would love that Nathan.
Do we have the rights to snarf? Can we just put snarf in there? We don't have the rights to snarf and I was going to suggest that we could do barf, but that's also a character.
So like dang. Dang. Well, this character does need to fly because that's just the amount of space we've left ourselves. Okay. I'll just rough in a shape. Oh, I like that. And then do you want to give it a face? Yeah. Give me your best shape. All right.
So I think just a real, a real soft fluffy with wings. Oh, little wings. Ah, little puff balls, little cloud friends, little cloud friends, ah, cumulus, namby. It teaches kids about clouds.
Maybe it's one of those toys that was scented for some reason. You really like the smell angle Caldwell and I appreciate it.
I just feel like that's the, the older I get, that's the only memory that remains is the, the smells. Everything else is fading from me as time marches onward and forward.
I just want to make it not perfectly round so that maybe you have some more room to work with. I like that. And then, um, you know what? He's got, uh, he's got that, that also. Okay. All right.
So it is a skull. It is a cloud skull and I like that.
So I'm going to see what I could do. I love the shape you've given me. There's so many potentials here. What I've realized is I've just, I've drawn a holiday ham cloud shape.
Yeah. Something that like a cartoon character on a desert island would imagine as he looks at the sky. Maybe I'm just hungry. Could be, could be. I think I just have to go the monchichi route. I don't know that. Well, you're going to know it. I like the angle of this big kind of clouded body, but then, oh, just a little, a little fleshy face coming in there. That's nice. Yeah.
Normally with a show designed to sell a toy brand, it's just one brand per show. I feel like this is a very efficient route we've gone. So you think that these are all in the same show. This is all the same show. This is all this, there's an A plot, B plot, C plot.
There's something for everyone. There's something to annoy everyone and for everyone to relate to. Everybody's watching for a different reason.
That's true. I like that.
What is his character is? What is their job on the show? Maybe he announces, he announces what the conflict is. He's kind of like an impartial observer, just so that nobody has to think too hard about it.
Oh yeah. All those 80s cartoons would have like a omniscient narrator type and like this one's just on screen. Yeah. Meanwhile, at the fart box home base, don't I look soft and touchable?
Keep your fingers away from my face. I'll get them. I'll get them fingers.
He's very touchable except for one place where you should never touch. This is good. It teaches young kids boundaries. Don't touch my face.
I'll chomp ya. This is chompy.
Those are real human teeth. Yeah, that's the, with real human teeth for the aspiring dentist in your family.
Hi, I'm Greg Pilkerson and I do not approve of this. Mattel stole these teeth from me. They should not have these teeth.
Where did they get them? They're mine now. I'm going to use them. Oh, I'm going to chew up some stuff. Give me those beans.
Every chompy comes with at least three different children's teeth. I'm the reverse tooth fairy. I bring the teeth to you and you give me money. Do you think you can take the teeth out or is that kind of like the game? If you can get the teeth out without losing your finger, you win.
Then they send you a lifetime supply of huffy bikes. I feel pretty good about Chompo. Yeah. He also farts. There's a little butt here.
Show us something for everyone. It has something for everyone and Chompo. And something for no one.
Fingers are Chompo's hot dogs. He just loves to eat children's fingers. Is Chompo's deal?
He does. Managar, are we ready to send this to Cartoonotron? Cartoonotron, he is ready. He is fierce. He is poised like a lion ready to strike.
Hey, what's that smell? It's the smell of profit, soon to be profit from all of these great toy designs we came up with today. Smells like money to me, baby. I can't wait to print a fat stack of that green stuff.
Oh, you can do that? I can. I am also an ATM. Do you want some money?
It has no value down here. Yeah, I'll take a stack just to feel big. Here, have a big fat stack of that good green stuff.
Oh, it just turned to ash in my hands. Ha ha ha, ha ha ha, dosh prank. Oh, you got me. Here, turn this into a cartoon, please. Yes, sir.
Play the show. Okay, here it comes. Introducing Bartvarks, the rude toy that farts. Shock your siblings with a 200 PSI shot of ultra-pressurized stink air, now in four stench-tastic flavors. Bartvarks, they're a blast. Hey. New from the makers of Penelope Stretch Horse, it's fair of flesh hair. Strike back at your annoying brother with a doll that refuses to be trampled. Dang, I had too many beans. Stop it.
Mom. Mom? Mom, where are you? Your mom isn't here.
Chompo's in charge now. Introducing Chompo, a twisted dream made real.
Oh, God. What do we do? Don't worry. I've got this.
Open Farrah's box to retrieve your tribute to keep Chompo's dark cravings in check. Oh, you got lucky this time. Why does it smell like beans? Chompo, he's already in your house. Okay, usually I just leave, but first I want to do a little toot. Like my new hero, Qatar, Nick Cheese.
Oh my God, that was, we didn't have a title for that show. That was just many, many toys. That was just three toys, the show. It's called Three Toys to the Rescue.
What'd you think? Ugh. Is that? Turns out I actually got ourselves into a little bit of hot water. Oh. This project is running in direct competition to another health subsidiary. What?
You know those free-to-play mobile games that are very addictive and, you know, just a kind of squeezing money out of susceptible children? Yeah, acquiring new JPEGs. It's a separate department. I had no idea, but it turns out their goal was to destroy the physical toy industry.
Oh, entirely. I'm sure you've heard of all the closings. Yeah.
You know, kids aren't into actual objects anymore. They just rather get cards as rewards for tapping things in a virtual space.
That's fair. Well, maybe we could digitize these and put them in a battle royale, and, like, you have a limited amount of time before Chompo shows up. I'd play that. I got to squash this thing if I want to protect myself within the organization. No, that's fair. But honestly, you did a really good job. So for your punishment, you guys have to hit each other with these hammers for 24 hours. Oh. That's kind of fun. Yeah.
I just feel compelled to hit you with this, Caldwell. I'm sorry. Show me those teeth. I'm going to get them. Wait, wait.
There's a floating skull outside, and he's holding a sign in his mouth.
It says dropout.tv. What is that? Oh, you guys are talking about Dropout, the new streaming video service that has shows from the team behind College Humor and Drawfee. Wait, that's us. Oh, Nathan, look.
The skull. It's turning around. It's showing the back of the sign. It says you have worms in your stool.
Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah.
I'm breaking the fourth wall. Don't do that. It cheapens the narrative. I know. It's the stupid writer's fault. |
cracked | the_5_most_hilariously_drug_fueled_celebrity_interviews_ever_the_spit_take | Hello, the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name is Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and today we're traveling back in time to a day when A-list celebrities were less sound of body, mind, and PR strategy. You weren't just allowed to smoke on national TV, you had to, just to, like, keep it together, man. Because going on late night TV was an excuse to experiment with drugs, where the experiment was how much can I dump in my bloodstream before it starts to thicken up like gravy.
Welcome, nice to see you. Thank you.
Now, we're too classy to speculate just what's going on here, but David Bowie spends 30 minutes fidgeting, sniffling, and just generally inventing everyone's go-to impression of guy who's uncomfortably high on cocaine. To be fair to Bowie, this was 12 years before the New York Mets, the NBA Draft, and Hollywood turned the year 1986 into a walking PSA about the dangers of cocaine. But it had already turned him into Christian Bale and the Machinists, disguised as one of the Golden Girls, so he should have known something was up.
Oh hey, speaking of people who would have been better choices to play Willy Wonka in Tim Burton's remake, here's something you might not know about Gene Wilder. Yeah, I have never got no pussy anywhere until I did this move with Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder attracts pussy.
That is Richard Pryor in 1980 on the set of the movie Stir Crazy, and the amount of cocaine that renders your career 100% invincible. Not to be confused with the 1980s set of Bustin' Loose, when he believed he was physically invincible and lit himself on fire, that was a few months later, and way less hilarious. In this clip, he's just heroically committed to not giving this interviewer a single straight answer.
You want to talk about this move? No swipe, and commence the theoretically worst response you can possibly give to tell me about the movie. Sure. What do you want to know about this movie?
Stir Crazy. It sucks. You know the name field on the front page of the SATs that you get credit for just spelling your name right? That answer was like drawing little dicks in each of the boxes with your dick.
Gene Wilder said that. Gene Wilder ain't shit.
He's a faggot. He can suck my dick. I don't get it.
And that was somehow worse. Can I play do they, do they? Oh, that was actually kind of tender.
Now, in case you think I'm saying he's on cocaine the way people who don't know the names of drugs say, you're on crack cocaine, bro. Pryor actually drops a subtle clue about his drug of choice. See if you can spot it. I didn't get caught yesterday buying seven pounds of cocaine. Oh, I was referring to the part at the end where he summons a 200 year old cowboy ghost out of the mists of time for no reason. I'm being told that being put in a headlock by a human embodiment of your drug problem is not a side effect of cocaine by someone who's clearly never been as high as Richard Pryor was in that video.
But it's amazing. At three in the morning, I used to be up at three in the morning as a rock star. You know what I'm saying? I just want to fly on schedule two controlled substances is what we'd say if this was a promptly cancelled ABC family show about blowing raspberries at people in the throes of chemical dependency. Anyway, here's a 2010 interview of Sugar Ray Singer, Mark McGrath extolling the joys of fatherhood at 5,000 miles per hour. And it's a little different. I used to be strippers and booze backstage, now it's babies and formula.
Notice how McGrath pauses after strippers to switch mental gears and replace an unsaid B mystery word with booze. What could he have been thinking? Brows, barbeque, brawn, blah, blah, how did all of this trouble begin? Living in America. James Brown showed up to this 1988 CNN interview wearing a visor modeled on that of the X-Man Cyclops. Presumably to keep the soul beams flying out of his head from taking down passing aircraft. He mostly contents himself with shouting the names of his own songs into the middle distance.
I feel good. Paolo's got a brand new bag, it's a man's world. I feel good. And you sing good. And make love good.
Oh, we got that from the source. There you are. He also brags about his sexual prowess and he punctuates his appearance by screaming the name of CNN founder Ted Turner over and over again like, thought you could just conjure him like Beetlejuice. That's all we know. Ted! Ted, where you at?
Again, we're too classy to speculate just what's going on here, but it's PCP. Anyways, at this point, you're probably wondering what the hell is James Brown possibly promoting? This is a man's world. Please say that in the argument, it resulted as a matter of fact in Brown assaulting his wife with a lead pipe and firing a gun at a car. Oh, so his overall stability as a human being, not like a completely unfathomable Old Testament God who chose to possess James Brown as his mortal vessel?
How does a guy with a voice like that decide to be a singer and succeed? Well, it was a choice between entertainment and a career in air conditioning and refrigeration. In case you're unfamiliar with his music, Tom Waits is what you'd get if Bruce Springsteen had spent the first 20 years of his life locked in an attic with a pack of wolves. Instead of singing about the blue collar American dream, Waits sings about drifters and the stories you witness first hand when you hang out at an abandoned gas station after midnight. When you walk through the garden, you gotta watch your band. Despite composing the Wire theme song and performing the almost confrontationally bad version that opened every episode of the underrated second season, Waits' greatest contribution to the human arts actually came back in 1979 when he got so f***ed up that he accidentally invented Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker from The Dark Knight 27 years too soon.
I feel like I'm at my grandmother's. You're starting to sweat. I'm also big in Philadelphia. I worry primarily about whether there are nightclubs in heaven.
We got an Astra yet? Sorry, yeah. She put the Burt and Max in it. So is the Joker secretly a s*** house Tom Waits? Heath Ledger was born the year Waits filmed that interview and died at 28 because prescription drugs still drugs too. Let's chalk this up to cosmic coincidence. The important thing to remember is that no matter how brilliant your body of work, if you take enough drugs, millions of people might one day remember you as the guy from YouTube who did this. Ooh, ah, ow.
Hey guys, thanks for watching the video that you just watched, whatever that might be. Be sure to subscribe to our channel. For more of that, if you have already subscribed, comment on the video and say you liked it. Don't say you didn't like it and be mean. And click like. And check out our playlists. They've got videos. |
cracked | the_horrifying_dark_side_of_the_pokemon_universe | Pokemon! Gotta catch him! No, thank you. Don't test our friendship. Ah, you're just jealous because of my dope Pokemon, whatever. What do they call him? I mean, I know it's a Pokeball, but does it... Oh. Well, I bet you don't have as many rare Pokemon... Epic Shiny Tepig.
What? In my house. How?
First time, I daisy chained four game boys together and played for 72 hours straight, missing my brother's wedding. I understand and respect that. But, if you're into Pokemon, the ultimate challenge is to have a deconstruction off. Oh, so I get like 30 points for saying it's analogous to dog fighting? That kind of thing? No, because you can only use ones that I haven't heard like a million times already. And then I do one.
Standard Boggle Rules. I don't know Boggle Rules.
Well, you do now! It's the thing I just said. Look, I'll go.
You notice how fucked up it is that all the Pokemon are just named the same thing that they are? Like every Pikachu in the world, except one or two, is named Pikachu. If your Digtrio dies, get another Digtrio. Name it Digtrio. It's like if every human named their pets Dog and Iguana.
These trainers clearly have no emotional connection to these scores of animals that they're supposed to be overseeing. It's blackfish up in this shit. So what about when you defeat a wild Pokemon but you don't capture it? You just leave it passed out, right? You can't do that. You can't just leave a forest creature unconscious in the woods. That Pokemon is dead meat, Mon.
I bet you make like 10,000 Pokemon orphans every time you play through one of those games. Not to mention the fact that one of the Pokemon's is a human soul bonded with shards of pottery. A human soul that you've trapped and trained to fight for, presumably, eternity. Gets pretty messed up if you think about literally any of the implications of that at all. And what about the Pokeballs or the whole Pokemon storage system infrastructure? I mean, this is a universe that has the technology to digitize living creatures and transmit them as data to any Pokemon centers anywhere in the world.
That's teleportation, Holmes. Yeah. You'd think they could come up with like eight better things to do with that technology than propagate competitive animal fighting. And it's worse than that.
People think violent video games desensitize kids to violence? No. Take Pokemon, okay? This is a game that lets your kid play as a kid who himself uses others to inflict violence. That's as distancing and desensitizing as you can get. Pokemon basically says, oh, kids, don't fight. Train an army to fight for you.
So, you know, Pokemon X and Y. Yeah. There's a villain called N. Like the M? I skipped the cutscenes. This seems pretty edgy for Pokemon. No, just N like Q or M, but it's N. He's a white guy with green ponytail. Anyway, him and his team, Team Plasma, their whole goal is to destroy the Pokemon storage infrastructure because they want to release all the Pokemon because they think Pokemon should roam free. N was raised by Pokemon as a kid.
It's pretty stupid. Compared to what?
But the point being, just the existence of these protesters means that this issue of Pokemon is not black and white. This is a society where not everyone is on board with the whole trapping and fighting of animals.
If they have concerns, shouldn't we also? Do we, though?
No. You win. You beat N. He loses. You beat him with your Pokemon. Well, sure. He's got no Pokemon. Right. You free all your... You're not going to have any if you lose. He doesn't have any to...
Yeah. Wow. That's cool. Okay. So who won this little thing? Who wins? We're both one, man. We both won. Sure. Cool.
But like, what's the scoring system or is there a way to... It's basically, it's like catching them all sort of things. So like... Dude, I was going to ask. You're N now. |
dropout | hardly_working_fraggle_rock | Yeah, you look like you've seen ghosts starring Whoopi Goldberg. I just found out that a colossal nor'easter devastated my hometown of Fraggle Rock. Uh, where? Fraggle Rock, Maine. It's a coastal hamlet north of Bar Harbor. Well, it was. Now it's been leveled by a storm of biblical proportions. Fraggle Rock? Like that show with the Muppets? Like the once thriving community that raised me. The chapel was ripped from its foundation by relentless, bitter winds.
They found Father O'Malley impaled on a leafless spruce, like some sort of desperate offering to a malevolent god. Don't you even care? Yes, yes. We did, we did, we did care. But, um, but then we danced our cares away. I saw this YouTube video of the Earth opening up and swallowing my sister and her Kia Sorrento. I'm really worried. Hey, they're there, Dan. Worries for another day. It's not funny! Are you a Muppet? The baker's wife thought it was the end times and poisoned her own children. Their innocent corpses were flung about like rag dolls by a giant squid. I really am sorry.
When's the memorial service? Well, next week I think. And do you think there'll be music there? Probably. Yeah, and if they stopped playing the music, you would tell them to... Yeah, I know you're trying to get me to say, let the music play.
You said it! You were sick!
This is the worst tragedy that has ever occurred! Down at Fraggle Rock! There is only despair! Down at Fraggle Rock! Down at Fraggle Rock.
Shut up, Gordon. Sorry. Hey, you wouldn't want to hop on my Seema Sorter? I am Jones and for a pork bun. |
cracked | nov_30_news_on_cracked_disney_the_week_in_douchebaggery | It's Friday, November 30th, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, which can be rearranged to spell a nerd elf mix. A Walt Disney World employee died after falling off a ride in the Animal Kingdom section of the park. Park officials immediately closed the ride, called Jump Off a Platform and Fall to Your Death Mountain, until it can be repaired. A park spokesperson issued the following statement to Cracked, "...we regret such a horrible tragedy occurred at one of our amusement parks, which now only cost $90 for a family of five on weekends, so come to Walt Disney World, where the magic comes alive, and be sure to bring a helmet."
In London, Westminster City Council launched a new phone service yesterday called SatLab that will guide users to the nearest public restroom. This has been hailed as a vast improvement over France's current system, Pise a la Plasse.
Now it's time for Cracked's Friday feature, The Week in Douche Baggery. It's the Week in Douche Baggery!
Number five, your boss. Turns out working the graveyard shift causes cancer, according to the International Agency for Research on Cancer. Apparently, researchers spent many sleepless nights investigating that theory, and now they're all dead. When your boss keeps you late, he's trying to kill you. Douchebag number four, the American Medical Association. Now those killjoys are saying that Americans are consuming too much sodium, and that a reduction in sodium intake could save as many as 150,000 lives per year. That number is a bit suspect though, so we here at Cracked think you should probably take it with many, many grains of salt.
Douchebag number three, Conan O'Brien. He's paying his staff out of his own pocket for the remainder of the writer strike. Hey, Conan, thanks for making us all look bad. The news on Cracked doesn't even pay the cameraman. Douchebag number two, Arkansas State Senator Denny Alts. He wrote an email in which he said, quote, we are being outpopulated by blacks, and complained that, quote, we can't send them back. Senator Alts, racism is only funny from certain Denny's.
No, not that one. That's the one. Douchebag number one, crack.com. Yesterday, we had the most viewed comedy video on YouTube with our iPhone ad parody. It spread over the internet like Paris Hilton's legs, spread over the internet. But some douchebag forgot to put a crack.com logo in the corner, so 90% of the internet still has never heard of us. Never again will that happen. All right, that's the week in Douchebaggery. Douchebaggery. That's it for today's edition of the news on Cracked. Check back Monday, or an angel will lose its wings. |
TheOnion | Watch_a_full_replay_of_The_Onion_s_live_coverage_of_President_Trump_s_congressional_address_ | Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States. Thank you very much. Members of Congress, I have the high privilege and the distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States. Thank you very much.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, the First Lady of the United States, and citizens of America, tonight, as we mark the conclusion of our celebration of Black History Month, we are reminded of our nation's path toward civil rights and the work that still remains to be done. Recent threats targeting Jewish community centers and vandalism of Jewish cemeteries, as well as last week's shooting in Kansas City, remind us that while we may be a nation divided on policies, we are a country that stands united in condemning hate and evil in all of its very ugly forms. Each American generation passes the torch of truth, liberty, and justice in an unbroken chain all the way down to the present. That torch is now in our hands, and we will use it to light up the world. I am here tonight to deliver a message of unity and strength, and it is a message deeply delivered from my heart.
A new chapter of American greatness is now beginning. A new national pride is sweeping across our nation, and a new surge of optimism is placing impossible dreams firmly within our grasp. What we are witnessing today is the renewal of the American spirit. Our allies will find that America is once again ready to lead. All the nations of the world, friend or foe, will find that America is strong, America is proud, and America is free.
In nine years, the United States will celebrate the 250th anniversary of our founding 250 years since the day we declared our independence. It will be one of the great milestones in the history of the world. What will America look like as we reach our 250th year? What kind of country will we leave for our children? I will not allow the mistakes of recent decades past to define the course of our future.
For too long, we've watched our middle class shrink as we've exported our jobs and wealth to foreign countries. We financed and built one global project after another, but ignored the fates of our children in the inner cities of Chicago, Baltimore, Detroit, and so many other places throughout our land. We've defended the borders of other nations, while leaving our own borders wide open for anyone to cross, and for drugs to pour in at a now unprecedented rate. And we've spent trillions and trillions of dollars overseas, while our infrastructure at home has so badly crumbled. Then in 2016, the Earth shifted beneath our feet.
The rebellion started as a quiet protest, spoken by families of all colors and creeds families who just wanted a fair shot for their children, and a fair hearing for their concerns. But then the quiet voices became a loud chorus, as thousands of citizens now spoke out together, from cities small and large all across our country. Finally, the chorus became an earthquake, and the people turned out by the tens of millions and they were all united by one very simple but crucial demand that America must put its own citizens first, because only then can we truly make America great again.
Dying industries will come roaring back to life. Heroic veterans will get the care they so desperately need. Our military will be given the resources its brave warriors so richly deserve. Crumbling infrastructure will be replaced with new roads, bridges, tunnels, airports and railways gleaming across our very, very beautiful land. Our terrible drug epidemic will slow down and ultimately stop. And our neglected inner cities will see a rebirth of hope, safety and opportunity.
Above all else, we will keep our promises to the American people. It's been a little over a month since my inauguration, and I want to take this moment to update the nation on the progress I've made in keeping those promises.
Since my election, Ford, Fiat Chrysler, General Motors, Sprint, SoftBank, Lockheed, Intel, Walmart and many others have announced that they will invest billions and billions of dollars in the United States, and will create tens of thousands of new American jobs. The stock market has gained almost $3 trillion in value since the election on November 8th a record. We've saved taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars by bringing down the price of fantastic and it is a fantastic new F-35 jet fighter and we'll be saving billions more on contracts all across our government.
We have placed a hiring freeze on non-military and non-essential federal workers. We have begun to drain the swamp of government corruption by imposing a five-year ban on lobbying by executive branch officials and a lifetime ban on becoming lobbyists for a foreign government. We have undertaken a historic effort to massively reduce job-crushing regulations, creating a deregulation task force inside of every government agency. And we're imposing a new rule which mandates that for every one new regulation, two old regulations must be eliminated. We're going to stop the regulations that threaten the future and livelihood of our great coal miners.
We have cleared the way for the construction of the Keystone and Dakota Access pipelines, thereby creating tens of thousands of jobs. And I've issued a new directive that new American pipelines be made with American steel. We have withdrawn the United States from the job-killing Trans-Pacific Partnership.
And with the help of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, we have formed a council with our neighbors in Canada to help ensure that women entrepreneurs have access to the networks, markets, and capital they need to start a business and live out their financial dreams. To protect our citizens, I have directed the Department of Justice to form a task force on reducing violent crime. I have further ordered the Departments of Homeland Security and Justice, along with the Department of State and the Director of National Intelligence, to coordinate an aggressive strategy to dismantle the criminal cartels that have spread all across our nation.
We will stop the drugs from pouring into our country and poisoning our youth. And we will expand treatment for those who have become so badly addicted.
At the same time, my administration has answered the pleas of the American people for immigration enforcement and border security. By finally enforcing our immigration laws, we will raise wages, help the unemployed, save billions and billions of dollars, and make our communities safer for everyone. We want all Americans to succeed, but that can't happen in an environment of lawless chaos. We must restore integrity and the rule of law at our borders. For that reason, we will soon begin the construction of a great, great wall along our southern border.
As we speak tonight, we are removing gang members, drug dealers, and criminals that threaten our communities and prey on our very innocent citizens. Bad ones are going out as I speak, and as I've promised throughout the campaign. To any in Congress who do not believe we should enforce our laws, I would ask you this one question. What would you say to the American family that loses their jobs, their income, or their loved one because America refused to uphold its laws and defend its borders?
Our obligation is to serve, protect, and defend the citizens of the United States. We are also taking strong measures to protect our nation from radical Islamic terrorism. According to data provided by the Department of Justice, the vast majority of individuals convicted of terrorism and terrorism-related offenses since 9-11 came here from outside of our country.
We have seen the attacks at home, from Boston to San Bernardino to the Pentagon, and yes, even the World Trade Center. We have seen the attacks in France, in Belgium, in Germany, and all over the world.
It is not compassionate, but reckless to allow uncontrolled entry from places where proper vetting cannot occur. Those given the high honor of admission to the United States should support this country and love its people and its values. We cannot allow a beachhead of terrorism to form inside America. We cannot allow our nation to become a sanctuary for extremists. That is why my administration has been working on improved vetting procedures, and we will shortly take new steps to keep our nation safe and to keep those out who will do us harm.
As promised, I directed the Department of Defense to develop a plan to demolish and destroy ISIS, a network of lawless savages that have slaughtered Muslims and Christians and men and women and children of all faiths and all beliefs. We will work with our allies, including our friends and allies in the Muslim world, to extinguish this vile enemy from our planet. I have also imposed new sanctions on entities and individuals who support Iran's ballistic missile program and reaffirmed our unbreakable alliance with the State of Israel.
Finally, I have kept my promise to appoint a justice to the United States Supreme Court from my list of 20 judges who will defend our Constitution. I am greatly honored to have Maureen Scalia with us in the gallery tonight. Thank you, Maureen. Her late great husband Antonin Scalia will forever be a symbol of American justice. To fill his seat, we have chosen Judge Neil Gorsuch, a man of incredible skill and deep devotion to the law. He was confirmed unanimously by the Court of Appeals, and I am asking the Senate to swiftly approve his nomination. Tonight, as I outline the next steps we must take as a country, we must honestly acknowledge the circumstances we inherited.
94 million Americans are out of the labor force. Over 43 million people are now living in poverty, and over 43 million Americans are on food stamps. More than one in five people in their prime working years are not working.
We have the worst financial recovery in 65 years. In the last eight years, the past administration has put on more new debt than nearly all of the other presidents combined. We've lost more than one-fourth of our manufacturing jobs since NAFTA was approved, and we've lost 60,000 factories since China joined the World Trade Organization in 2001. Our trade deficit in goods with the world last year was nearly $800 billion, and overseas we have inherited a series of tragic foreign policy disasters.
Solving these and so many other pressing problems will require us to work past the differences of party. It will require us to tap into the American spirit that has overcome every challenge throughout our long and storied history. But to accomplish our goals at home and abroad, we must restart the engine of the American economy, making it easier for companies to do business in the United States, and much, much harder for companies to leave our country. Right now, American companies are taxed at one of the highest rates anywhere in the world. My economic team is developing historic tax reform that will reduce the tax rate on our companies so they can compete and thrive anywhere and with anyone. It will be a big, big cut. At the same time, we will provide massive tax relief for the middle class. We must create a level playing field for American companies and our workers.
Currently, when we ship products out of America, many other countries make us pay very high tariffs and taxes. But when foreign companies ship their products into America, we charge them nothing or almost nothing.
I just met with officials and workers from a great American company, Harley-Davidson. In fact, they proudly displayed five of their magnificent motorcycles made in the USA on the front lawn of the White House. And they wanted me to ride one, and I said, no, thank you.
At our meeting, I asked them, how are you doing? How is business? They said that it's good. I asked them further, how are you doing with other countries, mainly international sales?
They told me, without even complaining, because they have been so mistreated for so long that they've become used to it, that it's very hard to do business with other countries because they tax our goods at such a high rate. They said that in the case of another country, they tax their motorcycles at 100 percent. They weren't even asking for a change, but I am.
I believe strongly in free trade, but it also has to be fair trade. It's been a long time since we had fair trade.
The first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln, warned that the abandonment of the protective policy by the American government will produce want and ruin among our people. Lincoln was right, and it's time we heeded his advice and his words.
I am not going to let America and its great companies and workers be taken advantage of us any longer. They have taken advantage of our country. No longer. I'm going to bring back millions of jobs.
Protecting our workers also means reforming our system of legal immigration. The current outdated system depresses wages for our poorest workers and puts great pressure on taxpayers. Companies around the world, like Canada, Australia, and many others, have a merit-based immigration system. It's a basic principle that those seeking to enter a country ought to be able to support themselves financially. Yet in America, we do not enforce this rule, straining the very public resources that our poorest citizens rely upon. According to the National Academy of Sciences, our current immigration system costs American taxpayers many billions of dollars a year. Switching away from this current system of lower-skilled immigration and instead adopting a merit-based system, we will have so many more benefits. It will save countless dollars, raise workers' wages, and help struggling families, including immigrant families, enter the middle class.
And they will do it quickly, and they will be very, very happy indeed.
I believe that real and positive immigration reform is possible as long as we focus on the following goals. To improve jobs and wages for Americans. To strengthen our nation's security. And to restore respect for our laws. If we are guided by the well-being of American citizens, then I believe Republicans and Democrats can work together to achieve an outcome that has eluded our country for decades.
Another Republican president, Dwight D. Eisenhower, initiated the last truly great national infrastructure program, the building of the Interstate Highway System. The time has come for a new program of national rebuilding. America has spent approximately $6 trillion in the Middle East, all the while our infrastructure at home is crumbling. With this $6 trillion, we could have rebuilt our country twice, and maybe even three times if we had people who had the ability to negotiate. To launch our national rebuilding, I will be asking Congress to approve legislation that produces a $1 trillion investment in infrastructure of the United States, financed through both public and private capital, creating millions of new jobs. This effort will be guided by two core principles, buy American and hire American.
Tonight, I am also calling on this Congress to repeal and replace Obamacare with reforms that expand choice, increase access, lower costs, and at the same time provide better health care. Mandating every American to buy government-approved health insurance was never the right solution for our country. The way to make health insurance available to everyone is to lower the cost of health insurance, and that is what we are going to do.
Obamacare premiums nationwide have increased by double and triple digits. As an example, Arizona went up 116 percent last year alone. Governor Matt Bevin of Kentucky just said Obamacare is failing in his state, the state of Kentucky, and it's unsustainable and collapsing.
One-third of the counties have only one insurer, and they are losing them fast. They are losing them so fast.
They are leaving, and many Americans have no choice at all. There's no choice left. Remember, when you were told that you could keep your doctor and keep your plan, we now know that all of those promises have been totally broken. Obamacare is collapsing, and we must act decisively to protect all Americans.
Action is not a choice. It is a necessity.
So I am calling on all Democrats and Republicans in Congress to work with us to save Americans from this imploding Obamacare disaster. Here are the principles that should guide Congress as we move to create a better health care system for all Americans. First, we should ensure that Americans with preexisting conditions have access to coverage and that we have a stable transition for Americans currently enrolled in the health care exchanges. Secondly, we should help Americans purchase their own coverage through the use of tax credits and expanded health savings accounts. But it must be the plan they want, not the plan forced on them by our government. Thirdly, we should give our state governors the resources and flexibility they need with Medicaid to make sure no one is left out. Fourth, we should implement legal reforms that protect patients and doctors from unnecessary costs that drive up the price of insurance and work to bring down the artificially high price of drugs and bring them down immediately. And finally, the time has come to give Americans the freedom to purchase health insurance across state lines, which will create a truly competitive national marketplace that will bring costs way down and provide far better care.
So important. Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed. Every problem can be solved, and every hurting family can find healing and hope. Our citizens deserve this and so much more.
So why not join forces and finally get the job done and get it done right? On this and so many other things, Democrats and Republicans should get together and unite for the good of our country and for the good of the American people. My administration wants to work with members of both parties to make child care accessible and affordable, to help ensure new parents that they have paid family leave, to invest in women's health and to promote clean air and clean water and to rebuild our military and our infrastructure. True love for our people requires us to find common ground, to advance the common good and to cooperate on behalf of every American child who deserves a much brighter future.
An incredible young woman is with us this evening who should serve as an inspiration to us all. Today is Rare Disease Day, and joining us in the gallery is a rare disease survivor, Megan Crowley. Megan was diagnosed with Pompe disease, a rare and serious illness, when she was 15 months old. She was not expected to live past five.
On receiving this news, Megan's dad, John, fought with everything he had to save the life of his precious child. He founded a company to look for a cure and helped develop the drug that saved Megan's life.
Today, she is 20 years old and a sophomore at Notre Dame.
Megan's story is about the unbounded power of a father's love for a daughter. But our slow and burdensome approval process at the Food and Drug Administration keeps too many advances like the one that saved Megan's life from reaching those in need. If we slash the restraints, not just at the FDA, but across our government, then we will be blessed with far more miracles just like Megan.
In fact, our children will grow up in a nation of miracles. But to achieve this future, we must enrich the mind and the souls of every American child.
Education is the civil rights issue of our time. I am calling upon members of both parties to pass an education bill that funds school choice for disadvantaged youth, including millions of African American and Latino children. These families should be free to choose the public, private, charter, magnet, religious or home school that is right for them.
Joining us tonight in the gallery is a remarkable woman, Dinesha Meriwether. As a young girl, Dinesha struggled in school and failed third grade twice.
But then she was able to enroll in a private center for learning, a great learning center, with the help of a tax credit and a scholarship program. Today, she is the first in her family to graduate not just from high school, but from college. Later this year, she will get her master's degree in social work.
We want all children to be able to break the cycle of poverty just like Dinesha. But to break the cycle of poverty, we must also break the cycle of violence.
The murder rate in 2015 experienced its largest single-year increase in nearly half a century. In Chicago, more than 4,000 people were shot last year alone, and the murder rate so far this year has been even higher.
This is not acceptable in our society. Every American child should be able to grow up in a safe community, to attend a great school and to have access to a high-paying job.
But to create this future, we must work with not against, not against the men and women of law enforcement. We must build bridges of cooperation and trust, not drive the wedge of disunity and really, it's what it is division. It's pure, unadulterated division. We have to unify.
Police and sheriffs are members of our community. They're friends and neighbors. They're mothers and fathers, sons and daughters. And they leave behind loved ones every day who worry about whether or not they'll come home safe and sound. We must support the incredible men and women of law enforcement.
And we must support the victims of crime. I have ordered the Department of Homeland Security to create an office to serve American victims. The office is called VOICE Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement. We are providing a voice to those who have been ignored by our media and silenced by special interests.
Joining us joining us in the audience tonight are four very brave Americans whose government failed them. Their names are Jameel Shaw, Susan Oliver, Jenna Oliver, and Jessica Davis.
Jameel's 17-year-old son was viciously murdered by an illegal immigrant gang member who had just been released from prison. Jameel Shaw Jr. was an incredible young man with unlimited potential who was getting ready to go to college where he would have excelled as a great college quarterback.
But he never got the chance.
His father, who is in the audience tonight, has become a very good friend of mine. Jameel, thank you.
Also with us are Susan Oliver and Jessica Davis. Their husbands, Deputy Sheriff Danny Oliver and Detective Michael Davis, were slain in the line of duty in California.
They were pillars of their community. These brave men were viciously gunned down by an illegal immigrant with a criminal record And two prior deportations should have never been in our country.
Sitting with Susan is her daughter, Jenna.
Jenna, I want you to know that your father was a hero and that tonight you have the love of an entire country supporting you and praying for you. To Jameel, Jenna, Susan and Jessica, I want you to know that we will never stop fighting for justice. Your loved ones will never, ever be forgotten. We will always honor their memory.
Finally, to keep America safe, we must provide the men and women of the United States military with the tools they need to prevent war. If they must, they have to fight and they only have to win.
I am sending Congress a budget that rebuilds the military, eliminates the defense sequester and calls for one of the largest increases in national defense spending in American history. My budget will also increase funding for our veterans.
Our veterans have delivered for this nation and now we must deliver for them. The challenges we face as a nation are great, but our people are even greater and none are greater or braver than those who fight for America in uniform. We are blessed to be joined tonight by Corinne Owens, the widow of U.S. Navy Special Operator, Senior Chief William Ryan Owens. Ryan died as he lived, a warrior and a hero battling against terrorism and securing our nation. I just spoke to our great General Mattis, just now, who reconfirmed that, and I quote, Ryan was a part of a highly successful raid that generated large amounts of vital intelligence that will lead to many more victories in the future against our enemy.
Ryan's legacy is etched into eternity. Thank you. And Ryan is looking down right now, you know that, and he's very happy because I think he just broke a record. For as the Bible teaches us, there is no greater act of love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. Ryan laid down his life for his friends, for his country, and for our freedom. And we will never forget Ryan.
To those allies who wonder what kind of a friend America will be, look no further than the heroes who wear our uniform. Our foreign policy calls for direct, robust, and meaningful engagement with the world. It is American leadership based on vital security interests that we share with our allies all across the globe. We strongly support NATO, an alliance forged through the bonds of two world wars that dethroned fascism and the Cold War and defeated communism.
But our partners must meet their financial obligations. And now, based on our very strong and frank discussions, they are beginning to do just that. In fact, I can tell you the money is pouring in. Very nice. We expect our partners, whether in NATO, the Middle East, or in the Pacific, to take a direct and meaningful role in both strategic and military operations and pay their fair share of the cost. Have to do that.
We will respect historic institutions, but we will respect the foreign rights of all nations. And they have to respect our rights as a nation also. Free nations are the best vehicle for expressing the will of the people, and America respects the right of all nations to chart their own path.
My job is not to represent the world. My job is to represent the United States of America. But we know that America is better off when there is less conflict, not more.
We must learn from the mistakes of the past. We have seen the war and the destruction that have ravaged and raged throughout the world, all across the world. The only long-term solution for these humanitarian disasters, in many cases, is to create the conditions where displaced persons can safely return home and begin the long, long process of rebuilding.
America is willing to find new friends and to forge new partnerships where shared interests align. We want harmony and stability, not war and conflict. We want peace wherever peace can be found. America is friends today with former enemies. Some of our closest allies, decades ago, fought on the opposite side of these terrible, terrible wars. This history should give us all faith in the possibilities for a better world. Hopefully, the 250th year for America will see a world that is more peaceful, more just, and more free.
On our 100th anniversary in 1876, citizens from across our nation came to Philadelphia to celebrate America's centennial. At that celebration, the country's builders and artists and inventors showed off their wonderful creations.
Alexander Graham Bell displayed his telephone for the first time. Remington unveiled the first typewriter. An early attempt was made at electric light. Thomas Edison showed an automatic telegraph and an electric pen.
Imagine the wonders our country could know in America's 250th year. Think of the marvels we can achieve if we simply set free the dreams of our people. Cures to the illnesses that have always plagued us are not too much to hope. American footprints on distant worlds are not too big a dream. Millions lifted from welfare to work is not too much to expect. And streets where mothers are safe from fear, schools where children learn in peace, and jobs where Americans prosper and grow are not too much to ask.
When we have all of this, we will have made America greater than ever before. For all Americans, this is our vision. This is our mission. But we can only get there together. We are one people with one destiny. We all bleed the same blood. We all salute the same great American flag. And we all are made by the same God. When we fulfill this vision, when we celebrate our 250 years of glorious freedom, we will look back on tonight as when this new chapter of American greatness began.
The time for small thinking is over. The time for trivial fights is behind us.
We just need the courage to share the dreams that fill our hearts, the bravery to express the hopes that sear our souls, and the confidence to turn those hopes and those dreams into action. From now on, America will be empowered by our aspirations, not burdened by our fears, inspired by the future, not bound by failures of the past, and guided by a vision not blinded by our doubts. I am asking all citizens to embrace this renewal of the American spirit. I am asking all members of Congress to join me in dreaming big and bold and daring things for our country. I am asking everyone watching tonight to seize this moment, believe in yourselves, believe in your future, and believe once more in America. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States.
Mr. Justin Trudeau, we have formed a council with our neighbors in Canada to help ensure that women entrepreneurs have access to the networks, markets, and capital they need to start a business and live out their financial dreams. To protect our citizens, I have directed the Department of Justice to form a task force on reducing violent crime. I have further ordered the Departments of Homeland Security and Justice, along with the Department of State and the Director of National Intelligence, to coordinate an aggressive strategy to dismantle the criminal cartels that have spread all across our nation.
We will stop the drugs from pouring into our country and poisoning our youth, and we will expand treatment for those who have become so badly addicted. At the same time, my administration has answered the pleas of the American people for immigration enforcement and border security. By finally enforcing our immigration laws, we will raise wages, help the unemployed, save billions and billions of dollars, and make our communities safer for everyone. We want all Americans to succeed.
But that can't happen in an environment of lawless chaos. We must restore integrity and the rule of law at our borders. For that reason, we will soon begin the construction of a great, great wall along our southern border. As we speak tonight, we are removing gang members, drug dealers, and criminals that threaten our communities and prey on our very innocent citizens. Bad ones are going out as I speak and as I've promised throughout the campaign. To any in Congress who do not believe by finally enforcing our immigration laws, we will raise wages, help the unemployed, save billions and billions of dollars, and make our communities safer for everyone. We want all Americans to succeed. But that can't happen in an environment of lawless chaos. We must restore integrity and the rule of law at our borders. For that reason, we will soon begin the construction of a great, great wall along our southern border. As we speak tonight, we are removing gang members, drug dealers, and criminals that threaten our communities and prey on our very innocent citizens. Bad ones are going out as I speak and as I've promised throughout the campaign. To any in Congress who do not believe we should enforce our laws, I would ask you this one question. What would you say to the American family that loses their jobs, their income, or their loved one because America refused to uphold its laws and defend its borders? Our obligation is to serve, protect, and defend the citizens of the United States. We are also taking strong measures to protect our nation from radical Islamic terrorism. According to data provided by the Department of Justice, the vast majority of individuals convicted of terrorism and terrorism-related offenses simply want all Americans to succeed. But that can't happen in an environment of lawless chaos. We must restore integrity and the rule of law at our borders. For that reason, we will soon begin the construction of a great, great wall along our southern border. As we speak tonight, we are removing gang members, drug dealers, and criminals that threaten our communities and prey on our very innocent citizens. Bad ones are going out as I speak and as I've promised throughout the campaign. To any in Congress who do not believe we should enforce our laws, I would ask you this one question. What would you say to the American family that loses their jobs, their income, or their loved one because America refused to uphold its laws and defend its borders?
Our obligation is to serve, protect, and defend the citizens of the United States. We are also taking strong measures to protect our nation from radical Islamic terrorism. According to data provided by the Department of Justice, the vast majority of individuals convicted of terrorism and terrorism-related offenses since 9-11 came here from outside of our country. We have seen the attacks at home, from Boston to San Bernardino to the Pentagon, and yes, even the World Trade Center, that loses their jobs, their income, or their loved one because America refused to uphold its laws and defend its borders. Our obligation is to serve, protect, and defend the citizens of the United States. We are also taking strong measures to protect our nation from radical Islamic terrorism. According to data provided by the Department of Justice, the vast majority of individuals convicted of terrorism and terrorism-related offenses since 9-11 came here from outside of our country.
We have seen the attacks at home, from Boston to San Bernardino to the Pentagon, and yes, even the World Trade Center. We have seen the attacks in France, in Belgium, in Germany, and all over the world.
It is not compassionate but reckless to allow uncontrolled entry from places where proper vetting cannot occur. Those given the high honor of admission to the United States should support this country and love its people and its values. We cannot allow a border.
As we speak tonight, we are removing gang members, drug dealers, and criminals that threaten our communities and prey on our very innocent citizens. Bad ones are going out as I speak and as I promised throughout the campaign. To any in Congress who do not believe we should enforce our laws, I would ask you this one question. What would you say to the American family that loses their jobs, their income, or their loved one because America refused to uphold its laws and defend its borders?
Our obligation is to serve, protect, and defend the citizens of the United States. We are also taking strong measures to protect our nation from radical Islamic terrorism. According to data provided by the Department of Justice, the vast majority of individuals convicted of terrorism and terrorism-related offenses since 9-11 came here from outside of our country.
We have seen the attacks at home from Boston to San Bernardino to the Pentagon and, yes, even the World Trade Center. We have seen the attacks in France, in Belgium, in Germany, and all over the world.
It is not compassionate but reckless to allow uncontrolled entry from places where proper vetting cannot occur. Those given the high honor of admission to the United States should support this country and love its people and its values. We cannot allow a beachhead of terrorism to form inside America. We cannot allow our nation to become a sanctuary for extremists. That is why my administration has been working on improved vetting procedures, and we will shortly take new steps to keep our nation safe, and to keep those out who will do us harm.
As promised, I directed the Department of Defense to develop a plan to demolish and destroy ISIS, a network of lawless savages that have slaughtered Muslims and Christians and men and women and children of all faiths and all beliefs. We will work with our allies, including our friends and allies in the Muslim world, to extinguish this vile enemy from our planet. I have also imposed new sanctions on entities and individuals who support Iran's ballistic missile program and reaffirmed our unbreakable alliance with the State of Israel.
Finally, I have kept my promise to appoint a justice to the United States Supreme Court from my list of 20 judges who will defend our Constitution. I am greatly honored to have Maureen Scalia with us in the gallery tonight. Thank you, Maureen. Her late great husband Antonin Scalia will forever be a symbol of American justice. To fill his seat, we have chosen Judge Neil Gorsuch, a man of incredible skill and deep devotion to the law. He was confirmed unanimously by the Court of Appeals, and I am asking the Senate to swiftly approve his nomination. Tonight, as I outline the next steps we must take as a country, we must honestly acknowledge the circumstances we inherited.
Ninety-four million Americans are out of the labor force. Over 43 million people are now living in poverty, and over 43 million Americans are on food stamps. More than one in five people in their prime working years are not working.
We have the worst financial recovery in 65 years. In the last eight years, the past administration has put on more new debt than nearly all of the other presidents combined.
We've lost more than one-fourth of our manufacturing jobs since NAFTA was approved, and we've lost 60,000 factories since China joined the World Trade Organization in 2001. Our trade deficit in goods with the world last year was nearly $800 billion. And overseas, we have inherited a series of trade came here from outside of our country.
We have seen the attacks at home, from Boston to San Bernardino to the Pentagon and, yes, even the World Trade Center. We have seen the attacks in France, in Belgium, in Germany, and all over the world.
It is not compassionate but reckless to allow uncontrolled entry from places where proper vetting cannot occur. Those given the high honor of admission to the United States should support this country and love its people and its values. We cannot allow a beachhead of terrorism to form inside America. We cannot allow our nation to become a sanctuary for extremists. That is why my administration has been working on improved vetting procedures, and we will shortly take new steps to keep our nation safe and to keep those out who will do us harm.
As promised, I directed the Department of Defense to develop a plan to demolish and destroy ISIS, a network of lawless savages that have slaughtered Muslims and Christians and men and women and children of all faiths and all beliefs. We will work with our allies, including our friends and allies in the Muslim world, to extinguish this vile enemy from our planet. I have also imposed new sanctions on entities and individuals who support Iran's ballistic missile program and reaffirmed our unbreakable alliance with the state of Israel.
Finally, I have kept my promise to appoint a justice to the United States Supreme Court from my list of 20 judges who will defend our Constitution. I am greatly honored to have Maureen Scalia with us in the gallery tonight. Thank you, Maureen. Her late great husband Antonin Scalia will forever be a symbol of American justice. To fill his seat, we have chosen Judge Neil Gorsuch, a man of incredible skill and deep devotion to the law. He was confirmed unanimously by the Court of Appeals, and I am asking the Senate to swiftly approve his list, to allow uncontrolled entry from places where proper vetting cannot occur. Those given the high honor of admission to the United States should support this country and love its people and its values.
We cannot allow a beachhead of terrorism to form inside America. We cannot allow our nation to become a sanctuary for extremists.
That is why my administration has been working on improved vetting procedures, and we will shortly take new steps to keep our nation safe and to keep those out who will do us harm. As promised, I directed the Department of Defense to develop a plan to demolish and destroy ISIS, a network of lawless savages that have slaughtered Muslims and Christians and men and women and children of all faiths and all beliefs. We will work with our allies, including our friends and allies in the Muslim world, to extinguish this vile enemy from our planet. I have also imposed new sanctions on entities and individuals who support Iran's ballistic missile program and reaffirmed our unbreakable alliance with the State of Israel.
Finally, I have kept my promise to appoint a justice to the United States Supreme Court from my list of 20 judges who will defend our Constitution. I am greatly honored to have Maureen Scalia with us in the gallery tonight. Thank you, Maureen. Her late great husband Antonin Scalia will forever be a symbol of American justice. To fill his seat, we have chosen Judge Neil Gorsuch, a man of incredible skill and deep devotion to the law. He was confirmed unanimously by the Court of Appeals, and I am asking the Senate to swiftly approve his nomination. Tonight, as I outline the next steps we must take as a country, we must honestly acknowledge the circumstances we inherited.
94 million a sanctuary for extremists. That is why my administration has been working on improved vetting procedures, and we will shortly take new steps to keep our nation safe and to keep those out who will do us harm. As promised, I directed the Department of Defense to develop a plan to demolish and destroy ISIS, a network of lawless savages that have slaughtered Muslims and Christians and men and women and children of all faiths and all beliefs. We will work with our allies, including our friends and allies in the Muslim world, to extinguish this vile enemy from our planet. I have also imposed new sanctions on entities and individuals who support Iran's ballistic missile program and reaffirmed our unbreakable alliance with the State of Israel.
Finally, I have kept my promise to appoint a justice to the United States Supreme Court from my list of 20 judges who will defend our Constitution. I am greatly honored to have Maureen Scalia with us in the gallery tonight. Thank you, Maureen. Her late great husband Antonin Scalia will forever be a symbol of American justice. To fill his seat, we have chosen Judge Neil Gorsuch, a man of incredible skill and deep devotion to the law. He was confirmed unanimously by the Court of Appeals, and I am asking the Senate to swiftly approve his nomination. Tonight, as I outline the next steps we must take as a country, we must honestly acknowledge the circumstances we inherited.
Ninety-four million Americans are out of the labor force, over 43 million people are now living in poverty, and over 43 million Americans are on food stamps. More than one in five people in their prime working years are not working. We have the worst financial recovery in 65 years. In the last eight years, the past administration has put on more new debt than nearly all of the other presidents combined. We have lost more than one-fourth of our manufacturing jobs since now on food stamps. More than one in five people in their prime working years are not working. We have the worst financial recovery in 65 years. In the last eight years, the past administration has put on more new debt than nearly all of the other presidents combined.
We have lost more than one-fourth of our manufacturing jobs since NAFTA was approved, and we have lost 60,000 factories since China joined the World Trade Organization in 2001. Our trade deficit in goods with the world last year was nearly $800 billion. And overseas, we have inherited a series of tragic foreign policy disasters.
Solving these and so many other pressing problems will require us to work past the differences of party. It will require us to tap into the American spirit that has overcome every challenge throughout our long and storied history. But to accomplish our goals, at home and abroad, we must restart the engine of the American economy, making it easier for companies to do business in the United States, and much, much harder for companies to leave our country. Right now, American companies are taxed at one of the highest rates anywhere in the world. My economic team is developing historic tax reform that will reduce the tax rate on our companies so they can compete and thrive anywhere and with anyone. It will be a big, big cut. At the same time, we will provide massive tax relief for the middle class. We must create a level playing field for American companies and our workers.
Currently, when we ship products out of America, many other countries make us pay very high tariffs and taxes. But when foreign companies ship their products into America, we charge them nothing or almost nothing.
I just met with officials and workers from a great American company, Harley-Davidson. In fact, they proudly displayed five of their magnificent motorcycles made in the USA on the front lawn of the White House. And they wanted me to ride one, and I said, no, thank you.
At our meeting, I asked them, how are you doing? How is business? They said that it's good. I asked them further, how are you doing with other countries, mainly international sales?
They told me, without even complaining, because they have been so mistreated for so long that they've become used to it.
Solving these and so many other pressing problems will require us to work past the differences of party. It will require us to tap into the American spirit that has overcome every challenge throughout our long and storied history. But to accomplish our goals at home and abroad, we must restart the engine of the American economy, making it easier for companies to do business in the United States, and much, much harder for companies to leave our country.
Right now, American companies are taxed at one of the highest rates anywhere in the world. My economic team is developing historic tax reform that will reduce the tax rate on our companies so they can compete and thrive anywhere and with anyone.
It will be a big, big cut. At the same time, we will work hard. Tonight, as I outline the next steps we must take as a country, we must honestly acknowledge the circumstances we inherited.
94 million Americans are out of the labor force. Over 43 million people are now living in poverty. And over 43 million Americans are on food stamps. More than one in five people in their prime working years are not working.
We have the worst financial recovery in 65 years. In the last eight years, the past administration has put on more new debt than nearly all of the other presidents combined.
We've lost more than one-fourth of our manufacturing jobs since NAFTA was approved. And we've lost 60,000 factories since China joined the World Trade Organization in 2001. Our trade deficit in goods with the world last year was nearly $800 billion.
And overseas, we have inherited a series of tragic foreign policy disasters. Solving these and so many other pressing problems will require us to work past the differences of party. It will require us to tap into the American spirit that has overcome every challenge throughout our long and storied history. But to accomplish our goals at home and abroad, we must restart the engine of the American economy, making it easier for companies to do business in the United States, and much, much harder for companies to leave our country.
Right now, American companies are taxed at one of the highest rates anywhere in the world. My economic team is developing historic tax reform that will reduce the tax rate on our companies so they can compete and thrive anywhere and with anyone. It will be a big, big cut. At the same time, we will provide massive tax relief for the middle class. We must create a level playing field for American companies and our workers.
Currently, when we ship products out of America, many other countries make us pay very high tariffs and taxes. But when foreign companies ship their products into America, we charge them nothing or almost nothing. I just met with officials and workers from a great American company, Harley-Davidson. In fact, they proudly displayed five of their magnificent motorcycles made in the USA on the front lawn of the White House. This is with other countries because they tax our goods at such a high rate. They said that in the case of another country, they tax their motorcycles at 100 percent.
They weren't even asking for a change, but I am. I believe, I believe strongly in free trade. And they wanted me to ride one and I said, no, thank you.
At our meeting, I asked them, how are you doing? How is business? They said that it's good. I asked them further, how are you doing with other countries, mainly international sales?
They told me without even complaining, because they have been so mistreated for so long that they've become used to it, that it's very hard to do business with other countries because they tax our goods at such a high rate. They said that in the case of another country, they tax their motorcycles at 100 percent. They weren't even asking for a change, but I am.
I believe, I believe strongly in free trade, but it also has to be fair trade. It's been a long time since we had fair trade.
The first repulsive relief for the middle class, we must create a level playing field for American companies and our workers have to do it. Currently, when we ship products out of America, many other countries make us pay very high tariffs and taxes. But when foreign companies ship their products into America, we charge them nothing or almost nothing.
I just met with officials and workers from a great American company, Harley-Davidson. In fact, they proudly displayed five of their magnificent motorcycles made in the USA on the front lawn of the White House. And they wanted me to ride one and I said, no thank you.
At our meeting, I asked them, how are you doing? How is business? They said that it's good. I asked them further, how are you doing with other countries, mainly international sales?
They told me without even complaining because they have been so mistreated for so long.
But it also has to be fair trade. It's been a long time since we had fair trade.
The first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln, warned that the abandonment of the protective policy by the American government will produce want and ruin among our people. Lincoln was right, and it's time we heeded his advice and his words. I am not going to let America and its great companies and workers be taken advantage of. Lincoln warned that the abandonment of the protective policy by the American government will produce want and ruin among our people. Lincoln was right, and it's time we heeded his advice and his words.
I am not going to let America and its great companies and workers be taken advantage of us any longer. They have taken advantage of our country. No longer. I'm going to bring back millions of jobs, protecting our workers also means reforming our system of legal immigration. The current outdated system depresses wages for our poorest workers and puts great pressure on taxpayers. Nations around the world, like Canada, Australia and many others, have a merit-based immigration system. They have taken advantage of our country. No longer. I'm going to bring back millions of jobs, protecting our workers also means reforming our system of legal immigration. The current outdated system depresses wages for our poorest workers and puts great pressure on taxpayers.
Nations around the world, like Canada, Australia and many others, have a merit-based immigration system. It's a basic principle that those seeking to enter a country ought to be able to support themselves financially. Yet in America, we do not enforce this rule, straining the very public resources that our poorest citizens rely upon.
According to the National Academy of Sciences, our current immigration system costs American taxpayers many billions of dollars a year, switching away from this current system, a World Trade Organization, in 2001. Our trade deficit in goods with the world last year was nearly $800 billion. And overseas, we have inherited a series of tragic foreign policy disasters.
Solving these and so many other pressing problems will require us to work past the differences of party. It will require us to tap into the American spirit that has overcome every challenge throughout our long and storied history. But to accomplish our goals, at home and abroad, we must restart the engine of the American economy, making it easier for companies to do business in the United States and much, much harder for companies to leave our country. Right now, American companies are taxed at one of the highest rates anywhere in the world. My economic team is developing historic tax reform that will reduce the tax rate on our companies so they can compete and thrive anywhere and with anyone. It will be a big, big cut. At the same time, we will provide massive tax relief for the middle class. We must create a level playing field for American companies and our workers.
Currently, when we ship products out of America, many other countries make us pay very high tariffs and taxes. But when foreign companies ship their products into America, we charge them nothing or almost nothing.
I just met with officials and workers from a great American company, Harley-Davidson. In fact, they proudly displayed five of their magnificent motorcycles made in the USA on the front lawn of the White House. And they wanted me to ride one, and I said, no, thank you.
At our meeting, I asked them, how are you doing? How is business? They said that it's good. I asked them further, how are you doing with other countries, mainly international sales?
They told me without even complaining because they have been so mistreated for so long that they've become used to it, that it's very hard to do business with other countries because they tax our goods at such a high rate. They said that in the case of another country, they tax their motorcycles at 100 percent. They weren't even asking for a change, but I am.
I believe strongly in free trade, but it also has to be fair trade. It's been a long time since we had fair trade.
The first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln, warned that the abandonment of the protective policy by the American government will produce want and ruin among our people. Lincoln was right, and it's time we heeded his advice and his words.
I am not going to let America and its great companies and workers be taking advantage of us any longer. They have taken advantage of our country. No longer.
I'm going to bring back millions of jobs. Protecting our workers also means reforming our system of legal immigration. The current outdated system depresses wages for our poorest workers and puts great pressure on taxpayers.
Countries around the world like Canada, Australia, and many others have a merit-based immigration system. It's a basic principle that those seeking to enter a country ought to be able to support themselves financially. Yet in America, we do not enforce this rule, straining the very public resources that our poorest citizens rely upon. According to the National Academy of Sciences, our current immigration system costs American taxpayers taxes with other countries because they tax our goods at such a high rate. They said that in the case of another country, they tax their motorcycles at 100%.
They weren't even asking for a change, but I am.
I believe strongly in free trade, but it also has to be fair trade. It's been a long time since we had fair trade.
The first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln, warned that the abandonment of the protective policy by the American government will produce want and ruin among our people. Lincoln was right, and it's time we heeded his advice and his words.
I am not going to let America and its great companies and workers be taken advantage of us any longer. They have taken advantage of our country no longer. I'm going to bring back millions of jobs.
Protecting our workers also means reforming our system of legal immigration. The current outdated system depresses wages for our poorest workers and puts great pressure on taxpayers. Companies around the world, like Canada, Australia, and many others, have a merit-based immigration system. It's a basic principle that those seeking to enter a country ought to be able to support themselves financially. Yet in America, we do not enforce this rule, straining the very public resources that our poorest citizens rely upon. According to the National Academy of Sciences, our current immigration system costs American taxpayers many billions of dollars a year. Switching away from this current system of lower-skilled immigration, and instead adopting a merit-based system, we will have so many more benefits. It will save countless dollars, raise workers' wages, and help struggling families, including immigrant families, enter the middle class. And they will do it quickly, and they will be very, very happy indeed. I believe that real and positive immigration is an Italian Real and positive immigration reform is possible, as long as we focus on the following goals. To improve jobs and wages for Americans. To strengthen our nation's security. And to restore respect for our laws. If we are guided by the well-being of American citizens, then I believe Republicans and Democrats can work together to achieve an outcome that has eluded our country for decades. To enter a country or to be able to support themselves financially. Yet in America, we do not enforce this rule, straining the very public resources that our poorest citizens rely upon. According to the National Academy of Sciences, our current immigration system costs American taxpayers many billions of dollars a year. Switching away from this current system of lower-skilled immigration and instead adopting a merit-based system, we will have so many more benefits. It will save countless dollars, raise workers' wages, and help struggling families, including immigrant families, enter the middle class.
And they will do it quickly. And they will be very, very happy indeed.
I believe that real and positive immigration reform is possible as long as we focus on the following goals. To improve jobs and wages for Americans. To strengthen our nation's security. And to restore respect for our laws. If we are guided by the well-being of American citizens, then I believe Republicans and Democrats can work together to achieve an outcome that has eluded our country for decades.
Another Republican president, Dwight D. Eisenhower, initiated the last truly great national infrastructure program, the building of the interstate highway system. The time has come for a new program of national rebuilding. America has spent approximately $6 trillion in the Middle East. All the while, our infrastructure at home is crumbling. With this $6 trillion, we could have rebuilt our country.
We will have so many more benefits. It will save countless dollars, raise workers' wages, and help struggling families, including immigrant families, enter the middle class. And they will do it quickly. And they will be very, very happy indeed.
I believe that real and positive immigration reform is possible as long as we focus on the following goals. To improve jobs and wages for Americans. To strengthen our nation's security. And to restore respect for our laws. If we are guided by the well-being of American citizens, then I believe Republicans and Democrats can work together to achieve an outcome that has eluded our country for decades.
Another Republican president, Dwight D. Eisenhower, initiated the last truly great national infrastructure program, the building of the interstate highway system. The time has come for a new program of national rebuilding. America has spent approximately $6 trillion in the Middle East. All the while, our infrastructure at home is crumbling. With the $6 trillion, we could have rebuilt our country twice and maybe even three times if we had people who had the ability to negotiate. To launch our national rebuilding, I will be asking Congress to approve legislation that produces a $1 trillion investment in infrastructure of the United States, financed through both possible, as long as we focus on the following goals. To improve jobs and wages for Americans. To strengthen our nation's security. And to restore respect for our laws. If we are guided by the well-being of American citizens, then I believe Republicans and Democrats can work together to achieve an outcome that has eluded our country for decades. Another Republican president, Dwight D. Eisenhower, initiated the last truly great national infrastructure program, the building of the interstate highway system. The time has come for a new program of national rebuilding. America has spent approximately $6 trillion in the Middle East. All the while, our infrastructure at home is crumbling. With the $6 trillion, we could have rebuilt our country twice and maybe even three times if we had people who had the ability to negotiate. To launch our national rebuilding, I will be asking Congress to approve legislation that produces a $1 trillion investment in infrastructure of the United States, financed through both public and private capital, creating millions of new jobs. This effort will be guided by two core principles, buy American and hire American. Tonight, I am also calling on this Congress to repeal and replace Obamacare with reforms that expand choice, increase access, lower costs, and at the same time provide better healthcare. Mandating every American to buy government-approved health insurance was never the right solution for our country. Another Republican president, Dwight D. Eisenhower, initiated the last truly great national infrastructure program, the building of the interstate highway system. The time has come for a new program of national rebuilding. America has spent approximately $6 trillion in the Middle East, all the while our infrastructure at home is crumbling. With this $6 trillion, we could have rebuilt our country twice and maybe even three times if we had people who had the ability to negotiate. To launch our national rebuilding, I will be asking Congress to approve legislation that produces a $1 trillion investment in infrastructure of the United States, financed through both public and private capital, creating millions of new jobs.
This effort will be guided by two core principles, buy American and hire American. Tonight, I am also calling on this Congress to repeal and replace Obamacare with reforms that expand choice, increase access, lower costs, and at the same time provide better healthcare. This effort will be guided by two core principles, buy American and hire American. Tonight, I am also calling on this Congress to repeal and replace Obamacare with reforms that expand choice, increase access, lower costs, and at the same time provide better healthcare.
Mandating every American to buy government-approved health insurance was never the right solution for our country. The way to make health insurance available to everyone is to lower the costs of health insurance, and that is what we are going to do.
Obamacare premiums nationwide have increased by double and triple digits. As an example, Arizona went up 116% last year alone. Governor Matt Bevin of Kentucky just said Obamacare is failing in his state, the state of Kentucky, and it's unsustainable and collapsing.
One-third of the counties have only one insurer, and they're losing them fast. They are losing them so fast.
They're leaving, and many Americans have no choice at all. There's no choice left. Remember, when you were told that you could keep your doctor and keep your plan, we now know that all of those promises have been totally broken. Obamacare is collapsing, and we must act decisively to protect all Americans.
Action is not a choice. It is a necessity.
So I am calling on all Democrats and Republicans in Congress to work with us to save Americans from this imploding Obamacare disaster. Here are the principles that should guide Congress as we move to create a better healthcare system for all Americans. First, we should ensure that Americans with preexisting conditions have access to coverage and that we have a stable transition for Americans currently enrolled in the healthcare exchanges. Secondly, we should help Americans purchase their own coverage through the use of tax credits and expanded health savings accounts. But it must be the plan they want, not the plan forced on them by our government. Thirdly, we should give our state governors the resources and flexibility they need with Medicaid to make sure no one is left out. Fourth, we should implement legal reforms that protect patients and doctors from unnecessary costs that drive up the price of insurance and work to bring down the artificially high price of drugs and bring them down immediately. The ability to negotiate. To launch our national rebuilding, I will be asking Congress to approve legislation that produces a $1 trillion investment in infrastructure of the United States, financed through both public and private capital, creating millions of new jobs. This effort will be guided by two core principles, buy American and hire American. Tonight, I am also calling on this Congress to repeal and replace Obamacare with reforms that expand choice, increase access, lower costs, and at the same time provide better healthcare. Mandating every American to buy government-approved health insurance was never the right solution for our country. The way to make health insurance available to everyone is to lower the cost of health insurance, and that is what we are going to do.
Obamacare premiums nationwide have increased by double and triple digits. As an example, Arizona went up 116% last year alone. Governor Matt Bevin of Kentucky just said Obamacare is failing in his state, the state of Kentucky, and it's unsustainable and collapsing.
One-third of the counties have only one insurer, and they're losing them fast. They are losing them so fast.
They're leaving, and many Americans have no choice at all. There's no choice left. Remember, when you were told that you could keep your doctor and keep your plan, we now know that all of those promises have been totally broken. Obamacare is collapsing, and we must act decisively to protect all Americans.
Action is not a choice. It is a necessity.
So I am calling on all Democrats and Republicans in Congress to work with us to save Americans from this imploding Obamacare disaster. Here are the principles that should guide Congress as we move to create a better healthcare system for all Americans. First, we should ensure that Americans with preexisting conditions have access to coverage and that we have a stable transition for Americans currently enrolled in the healthcare exchanges. Secondly, we should help Americans purchase their own coverage through the use of tax credits and expanded health savings accounts. But it must be the plan they want, not the plan forced on them by our government. Thirdly, we should give our state governors the resources and flexibility they need with Medicaid to make sure no one is left out. The way to make health insurance available to everyone is to lower the cost of health insurance, and that is what we are going to do.
Obamacare premiums nationwide have increased by double and triple digits. As an example, Arizona went up 116% last year alone. Governor Matt Bevin of Kentucky just said Obamacare is failing in his state, the state of Kentucky, and it's unsustainable and collapsing.
One-third of the counties have only one insurer, and they're losing them fast. They are losing them so fast.
They're leaving, and many Americans have no choice at all. There's no choice left. Remember, when you were told that you could keep your doctor and keep your plan, we now know that all of those promises have been totally broken. Obamacare is collapsing, and we must act decisively to protect all Americans.
Action is not a choice. It is a necessity.
So I am calling on all Democrats and Republicans in Congress to work with us to save Americans from this imploding Obamacare disaster. Here are the principles that should guide Congress as we move to create a better healthcare system for all Americans. First, we should ensure that Americans with preexisting conditions have access to coverage and that we have a stable transition for Americans currently enrolled in the healthcare exchanges. Secondly, we should help Americans purchase their own coverage through the use of tax credits and expanded health savings accounts, but it must be the plan they want, not the plan forced on them by our government. Thirdly, we should give our state governors the resources and flexibility they need with Medicaid to make sure no one is left out. Fourth, we should implement legal reforms that protect patients and doctors from unnecessary costs that drive up the price of insurance and work to bring down the artificially high price of drugs and bring them down immediately. And finally, the time has come to give Americans the freedom to purchase health insurance across state lines, which will create a truly competitive national marketplace that will bring costs way down and provide far better care. So important. Everything that is broken in our country can be. The health insurance available to everyone is to lower the cost of health insurance, and that is what we are going to do.
Obamacare premiums nationwide have increased by double and triple digits. As an example, Arizona went up 116% last year alone. Governor Matt Bevin of Kentucky just said Obamacare is failing in his state, the state of Kentucky, and it's unsustainable and collapsing.
One-third of the counties have only one insurer, and they're losing them fast. They are losing them so fast.
They're leaving, and many Americans have no choice at all. There's no choice left. Remember, when you were told that you could keep your doctor and keep your plan, we now know that all of those promises have been totally broken. Obamacare is collapsing, and we must act decisively to protect all Americans.
Action is not a choice. It is a necessity.
So I am calling on all Democrats and Republicans in Congress to work with us to save Americans from this imploding Obamacare disaster. Here are the principles that should guide Congress as we move to create a better healthcare system for all Americans. First, we should ensure that Americans with preexisting conditions have access to coverage and that we have a stable transition for Americans currently enrolled in the healthcare exchanges. Secondly, we should help Americans purchase their own coverage through the use of tax credits and expanded health savings accounts, but it must be the plan they want, not the plan forced on them by our government. Thirdly, we should give our state governors the resources and flexibility they need with Medicaid to make sure no one is left out. Fourth, we should implement legal reforms that protect patients and doctors from unnecessary costs that drive up the price of insurance and work to bring down the artificially high price of drugs and bring them down immediately. And finally, the time has come to give Americans the freedom to purchase health insurance across state lines. Which will create a truly competitive national marketplace that will bring costs way down and provide far better care.
So important. Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed. Every problem can be solved, and every hurting family can find healing and hope.
Our citizens deserve this, and so much more, so why not join forces and finally get the job done and get it done right? On this and so many other things, Democrats and Republicans should get together and unite for the good of our country and for the good of the American people. My administration wants to work with members of both parties to make childcare accessible and affordable to help ensure new parents that they have paid family leave, to invest in women's health, and to promote clean air and clean water and to rebuild our military and our infrastructure. True love for our people requires us to find common ground, to advance the common good, and to cooperate on behalf of every American child who deserves a much brighter future.
An incredible young woman is with us this evening who should serve as an inspiration to us all. Today is Rare Disease Day, and joining us in the gallery is a rare disease survivor, Megan Crowley. Megan was diagnosed with Pompe disease, a rare and serious illness, when she was 15 months old. She was not expected to live past five.
On receiving this news, Megan's dad, John, fought with everything he had to save the ladders across state lines, which will create a truly competitive national marketplace that will bring costs way down and provide far better care. So important. Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed. Every problem can be solved, and every hurting family can find healing and hope. Our citizens deserve this and so much more. So why not join forces and finally get the job done and get it done right? On this and so many other things, Democrats and Republicans should get together and unite for the good of our country and for the good of the American people. My administration wants to work with members of both parties to make childcare accessible and affordable, to help ensure new parents that they have paid family leave, to invest in women's health, and to promote clean air and clean water, and to rebuild our military and our infrastructure. True loves and doctors from unnecessary costs that drive up the price of insurance and work to bring down the artificially high price of drugs and bring them down immediately. And finally, the time has come to give Americans the freedom to purchase health insurance across state lines, which will create a truly competitive national marketplace that will bring costs way down and provide far better care. So important. Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed. Every problem can be solved, and every hurting family can find healing and hope. Our citizens deserve this and so much more. So why not join forces and finally get the job done and get it done right? On this and so many other things, Democrats and Republicans should get together and unite for the good of our country and for the good of the American people. My administration wants to work with members of both parties to make childcare accessible and affordable, to help ensure new parents that they have paid family leave, operate on behalf of every American child who deserves a much brighter future.
An incredible young woman is with us this evening. Who should serve is a rare disease survivor. Megan Crowley. Megan, our infrastructure. Megan was diagnosed with Pompe disease, a rare and serious illness, when she was 15 months old. She was not expected to live past five. On receiving this news, Megan's dad, John, fought with everything he had to save the life of his precious child. Operate on behalf of every American child who deserves a much brighter future. An incredible young woman is with us this evening. Who should serve as an inspiration to us all. Today is rare disease day, and joining us in the gallery is a rare disease survivor. Megan Crowley. Megan was diagnosed with Pompe disease, a rare and serious illness, when she was 15 months old. She was not expected to live past five.
On receiving this news, Megan's dad, John, fought with everything he had to save the life of his precious child. He founded a company to look for a cure and help develop the drug that saved Megan's life.
Today, she is 20 years old and a sophomore at Notre Dame.
Megan's story is about the unbounded power of a father's love for a daughter, but our slow and burdensome approval process at the Food and Drug Administration keeps too many advances, like the one that saved Megan's life from reaching those in need. If we slash the restraints, not just at the FDA, but across our government. 20 years old and a sophomore at Notre Dame. Megan's story is about the unbounded power of a father's love for a daughter, but our slow and burdensome approval process at the Food and Drug Administration keeps too many advances, like the one that saved Megan's life from reaching those in need. If we slash the restraints, not just at the FDA, but across our government, then we will be blessed with far more miracles, just like Megan.
In fact, our children will grow up in a nation of. Every problem can be solved, and every hurting family can find healing and hope. Our citizens deserve this and so much more, so why not join forces and finally get the job done and get it done right? On this and so many other things, Democrats and Republicans should get together and unite for the good of our country and for the good of the American people. My administration wants to work with members of both parties to make childcare accessible and affordable, to help ensure new parents that they have paid family leave, to invest in women's health, and to promote clean air and clean water and to rebuild our military and our infrastructure. True love for our people requires us to find common ground, to advance the common good, and to cooperate on behalf of every American child who deserves a much brighter future.
An incredible young woman is with us this evening who should serve as an inspiration to us all. Today is Rare Disease Day, and joining us in the gallery is a rare disease survivor. Megan Crowley. Megan was diagnosed with Pompe disease, a rare and serious illness, when she was 15 months old. She was not expected to live past five.
On receiving this news, Megan's dad, John, fought with everything he had to save the life of his precious child. He founded a company to look for a cure and help develop the drug that saved Megan's life.
Today, she is 20 years old and a sophomore at Notre Dame.
Megan's story is about the unbounded power of a father's love for a daughter. But our slow and burdensome approval process at the Food and Drug Administration keeps too many advances, like the one that saved Megan's life, from reaching those in need. If we slash the restraints, not just at the FDA, but across our government, then we will be blessed with far more miracles, just like Megan. In fact, our children will grow up in a nation of miracles. But to achieve this future, we must enrich the mind and the souls of every American child. Education is the civil right of a precious child. Megan's story is about the unbounded power of a father's love for a daughter. But our slow and burdensome approval process at the Food and Drug Administration keeps too many advances, like the one that saved Megan's life, from reaching those in need. If we slash the restraints, not just at the FDA, but across our government, then we will be blessed with far more miracles, just like Megan. In fact, our children will grow up in a nation of miracles. But to achieve this future, we must enrich the mind and the souls of every American child.
Education is the civil rights issue of our time. I am calling upon members of both parties to pass an education bill that funds school choice for disadvantaged youth, including millions of African-American and Latino children. These families should be free to choose the public, private, charter, magnet, religious, or home school that is right for them.
Joining us tonight in the gallery is a remarkable woman, Danisha Meriwether. As a young girl, Danisha struggled in school and failed third grade twice. But then she was able to... I am calling upon members of both parties to pass an education bill that funds school choice for disadvantaged youth, including millions of African-American and Latino children. These families should be free to choose the public, private, charter, magnet, religious, or home school that is right for them. Joining us tonight in the gallery is a remarkable woman, Danisha Meriwether. As a young girl, Danisha struggled in school and failed third grade twice. But then she was able to enroll in a private center for learning, great learning center, with the help of a tax credit and a scholarship program.
Today, she is the first in her family to graduate not just from high school, then we will be blessed with far more miracles, just like Megan. In fact, our children will grow up in a nation of miracles. But to achieve this future, we must enrich the mind and the souls of every American child.
Education is the civil rights issue of our time. I am calling upon members of both parties to pass an education bill that funds school choice for disadvantaged youth, including millions of African-American and Latino children. These families should be free to choose the public, private, charter, magnet, religious, or home school that is right for them.
Joining us tonight in the gallery is a remarkable woman, Danisha Meriwether. As a young girl, Danisha struggled in school and failed third grade twice.
But then she was able to enroll in a private center for learning, great learning center, with the help of a tax credit and a scholarship program. Today, she is the first in her family to graduate not just from high school but from college. Later this year, she will get her master's degree in social work.
We want all children to be able to break the cycle of poverty just like Danisha. But to break the cycle of poverty, we must also break the cycle of violence. The murder rate in 2015 experienced its largest skin child.
Education is the civil rights issue of our time. I am calling upon members of both parties to pass an education bill that funds school choice for disadvantaged youth, including millions of African-American and Latino children. These families should be free to choose the public, private, charter, magnet, religious, or home school that is right for them.
Joining us tonight in the gallery is a remarkable woman, Danisha Meriwether. As a young girl, Danisha struggled in school and failed third grade twice.
But then she was able to enroll in a private center for learning, great learning center, with the help of a tax credit and a scholarship program. Today, she is the first in her family to graduate not just from high school but from college. Later this year, she will get her master's degree in social work.
We want all children to be able to break the cycle of poverty just like Danisha. But to break the cycle of poverty, we must also break the cycle of violence.
The murder rate in 2015 experienced its largest single-year increase in nearly half a century. In Chicago, more than 4,000 people were shot last year alone, and the murder rate so far this year has been even higher. This is not acceptable in our society of poverty, just like Danisha. But to break the cycle of poverty, we must also break the cycle of violence. The murder rate in 2015 experienced its largest single-year increase in nearly half a century. In Chicago, more than 4,000 people were shot last year alone, and the murder rate so far this year has been even higher.
This is not acceptable in our society. Every American child should be able to grow up in a safe community, to attend a great school, and to have access to a high-paying job.
But to create this future, we must work with, not against, not against, the men and women of law enforcement. We must build bridges of cooperation and trust, not drive the wedge of disunity and, really, it's what it is, division. It's pure, unadulterated division. We have to unify.
Police and sheriffs are members of our community. They're friends and neighbors. They're mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, and they leave behind loved ones every day who worry about whether or not they'll come home safe and sound.
We must support the incredible men and women of great learning center with the help of a tax credit and a scholarship program.
Today, she is the first in her family to graduate not just from high school but from college. Later this year, she will get her master's degree in social work.
We want all children to be able to break the cycle of poverty just like Denisha. But to break the cycle of poverty, we must also break the cycle of violence.
The murder rate in 2015 experienced its largest single-year increase in nearly half a century. In Chicago, more than 4,000 people were shot last year alone, and the murder rate so far this year has been even higher.
This is not acceptable in our society. Every American child should be able to grow up in a safe community, to attend a great school, and to have access to a high-paying job.
But to create this future, we must work with not against. Not against the men and women of law enforcement. We must build bridges of cooperation and trust, not drive the wedge of disunity, and really, it's what it is, division. It's pure, unadulterated division. We have to unify.
Police and sheriffs are members of our community. They're friends and neighbors. They're mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, and they leave behind loved ones every day who worry about whether or not they'll come home safe and sound. We must support the incredible men and women of law enforcement.
And we must support the victims of crime. I have ordered the Department of Homeland Security to create an office to serve American victims. The office is called VOICE, Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement. We are providing a voice to those who have been ignored by our media and silenced by special interests.
Joining us in the audience tonight are four very brave. In Chicago, more than 4,000 people were shot last year alone, and the murder rate so far this year has been even higher.
This is not acceptable in our society. Every American child should be able to grow up in a safe community, to attend a great school, and to have access to a high-paying job.
But to create this future, we must work with, not against, not against, the men and women of law enforcement. We must build bridges of cooperation and trust, not drive the wedge of disunity and, really, it's what it is, division. It's pure, unadulterated division. We have to unify.
Police and sheriffs are members of our community. They're friends and neighbors. They're mothers and fathers, sons and daughters. And they leave behind loved ones every day who worry about whether or not they'll come home safe and sound. We must support the incredible men and women of law enforcement.
And we must support the victims of crime. I have ordered the Department of Homeland Security to create an office to serve American victims. The office is called VOICE, Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement. We are providing a voice to those who have been ignored by our media and silenced by special interests.
Joining us in the audience tonight are four very brave Americans whose government failed them. Their names are Jameel Shaw, Susan Oliver, Jenna Oliver, and Jessica Davis.
Jameel's 17-year-old son was viciously murdered by an illegal immigrant gang member who had just been released from prison. Jameel Shaw Jr. was an incredible young man with unlimited potential who was getting ready to go to college where he would have excelled as a great college quarterback.
But he never got the chance.
His father, who is in the audience tonight, has become a very good friend of mine. Jameel, thank you. Thank you.
Also with us are Susan Oliver and Jessica Davis. Their husbands, Deputy Sheriff Danny Oliver and Detective Michael Davis, were slain in the line of duty in California.
They were pillars of their community. These brave men were viciously gunned down by an illegal immigrant with a criminal record, and two prior deportations should have never been in our country.
Sitting with Susan is her daughter, Jenna.
Jenna, I want you to know that your father was a hero and that tonight you have the love of an entire country supporting you and praying for you. Every American child should be able to grow up in a safe community, to attend a great school, and to have access to a high-paying job.
But to create this future, we must work with and not against, not against, the men and women of law enforcement. We must build bridges of cooperation and trust, not drive the wedge of disunity and dis- and, really, it's what it is, division. It's pure, unadulterated division. We have to unify.
Police and sheriffs are members of our community. They're friends and neighbors, they're mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, and they leave behind loved ones every day who worry about whether or not they'll come home safe and sound. We must support the incredible men and women of law enforcement. And we must support the victims of crime.
I have ordered the Department of Homeland Security to create an office to serve American victims. The office is called VOICE, Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement. We are providing a voice to those who have been ignored by our media and silenced by special interests.
Joining us in the audience tonight are four very brave Americans whose government failed them. Their names are Jameel Shaw, Susan Oliver, Jenna Oliver, and Jessica Davis.
Jameel's 17-year-old son was viciously murdered by an illegal immigrant gang member who had just been released from prison. Jameel Shaw Jr. was an incredible young man with unlimited potential who was getting ready to go to college where he would have excelled as a great college quarterback.
But he never got the chance.
His father, who is in the audience tonight, has become a very good friend of mine. Jameel, thank you. Thank you.
Also with us are Susan Oliver and Jessica Davis. Their husbands, Deputy Sheriff Danny Oliver and Detective Michael Davis, were slain in the line of duty in California.
They were pillars of their community. These brave men were viciously gunned down by an illegal immigrant with a criminal record, and two prior deportations should have never been in our country.
Sitting with Susan is her daughter, Jenna.
Jenna, I want you to know that your father was a hero and that tonight you have the love of an entire country supporting you and praying for you. To Jameel, Jenna, Susan, and Jessica, I want you to know that we will never stop fighting for justice. Your loved ones will never, ever be forgotten. We will always honor their own.
And we must support the victims of crime. I have ordered the Department of Homeland Security to create an office to serve American victims. The office is called VOICE, Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement. We are providing a voice to those who have been ignored by our media and silenced by special interests.
Joining us in the audience tonight are four very brave Americans whose government failed them. Their names are Jameel Shaw, Susan Oliver, Jenna Oliver, and Jessica Davis.
Jameel's 17-year-old son was viciously murdered by an illegal immigrant gang member who had just been released from prison. Jameel Shaw Jr. was an incredible young man with unlimited potential who was getting ready to go to college where he would have excelled as a great college quarterback.
But he never got the chance.
His father, who is in the audience tonight, has become a very good friend of mine. Jameel, thank you. Thank you.
Also with us are Susan Oliver and Jessica Davis. Their husbands, Deputy Sheriff Danny Oliver and Detective Michael Davis, were slain in the line of duty in California.
They were pillars of their community. These brave men were viciously gunned down by an illegal immigrant with a criminal record, and two prior deportations should have never been in our country.
Sitting with Susan is her daughter, Jenna.
Jenna, I want you to know that your father was a hero and that tonight you have the love of an entire country supporting you and praying for you. To Jameel, Jenna, Susan, and Jessica, I want you to know that we will never stop fighting for justice. Your loved ones will never, ever be forgotten. We will always honor their memory.
Finally, to keep America safe, we must provide the men and women of the United States military with the tools they need to prevent war. If they must, they have to fight, and they only have to win.
I am sending Congress a budget that rebuilds the military, eliminates the defense sequester, and calls for one of the largest increases in national defense spending in American history. My budget will also increase funding for our veterans.
Our veterans have delivered for this nation, and now we must deliver for them. The challenges we face as a nation are great, but our people are even greater.
Jenna Oliver and Jessica Davis.
Jameel's 17-year-old son was viciously murdered by an illegal immigrant gang member who had just been released from prison.
Jameel Shore Jr. was an incredible young man with unlimited potential who was getting ready to go to college where he would have excelled as a great college quarterback. But he never got the chance.
His father, who is in the audience tonight, has become a very good friend of mine. Jameel, thank you. Thank you.
Also with us are Susan Oliver and Jessica Davis. Their husbands, Deputy Sheriff Danny Oliver and Detective Michael Davis, were slain in the line of duty in California.
They were pillars of their community. These brave men were viciously gunned down by an illegal immigrant with a criminal record, and two prior deportations should have never been in our country.
Sitting with Susan is her daughter, Jenna.
Jenna, I want you to know that your father was a hero and that tonight you have the love of an entire country supporting you and praying for you. To Jameel, Jenna, Susan, and Jessica, I want you to know that we will never stop fighting for justice. Your loved ones will never, ever be forgotten. We will always honor their memory.
Finally, to keep America safe, we must provide the men and women of the United States military with the tools they need to prevent war. If they must, they have to fight, and they only have to win. I am sending Congress a budget that rebuilds the military, eliminates the defense sequester, and calls for one of the largest increases in national defense spending in American history. My budget will also increase funding for our veterans. Our veterans have delivered for this nation, and now we must deliver for them. The challenges we face as a nation are great, but our people are even greater, and none are greater or braver than those who fight for America in uniform. We are blessed to be joined tonight by Corrine Owens, the widow of US Navy Special Operator, Senior Chief William Ryan Owens. Ryan died as he lived, a warrior and a hero, battling against terrorism and securing our nation. I just spoke to our great General Mattis, just now, who reconfirmed that, and I quote, Ryan was a part of a highly successful raid that generated large amounts of vital intelligence that will lead to many more victories in the future against our enemy. Ryan's legacy is etched into eternity. Thank you. Finally, to keep America safe, we must provide the men and women of the United States military with the tools they need to prevent war. If they must, they have to fight, and they only have to win. I am sending Congress a budget that rebuilds the military, eliminates the defense sequester, and calls for one of the largest increases in national defense spending in American history. My budget will also increase funding for our veterans. Our veterans have delivered for this nation, and now we must deliver for them. The challenges we face as a nation are great, but our people are even greater, and none are greater or braver than those who fight for America in uniform. We are blessed to be joined tonight by Corrine Owens, the widow of US Navy Special Operator, Senior Chief William Ryan Owens. Ryan died as he lived, a warrior and a hero, battling against terrorism and securing our nation.
To Jamil, Jenna, Susan, and Jessica, I want you to know that we will never stop fighting for justice. Your loved ones will never, ever be forgotten. We will always honor their memory.
Finally, to keep America safe, we must provide the men and women of the United States military with the tools they need to prevent war. If they must, they have to fight, and they only have to win. I am sending Congress a budget that rebuilds the military, eliminates the defense sequester, and calls for one of the largest increases in national defense spending in American history. My budget will also increase funding for our veterans. Our veterans have delivered for this nation, and now we must deliver for them. The challenges we face as a nation are great, but our people are even greater, and none are greater or braver than those who fight for America in uniform.
We are blessed to be joined tonight by Corrine Owens, the widow of US Navy Special Operator, Senior Chief William Ryan Owens. Ryan died as he lived, a warrior and a hero, battling against terrorism and securing our nation in uniform. We are blessed to be joined tonight by Corrine Owens, the widow of US Navy Special Operator, Senior Chief William Ryan Owens. Ryan died as he lived, a warrior and a hero, battling against terrorism and securing our nation. I just spoke to our great General Mattis, just now, who reconfirmed that, and I quote, Ryan was a part of a highly successful raid that generated large amounts of vital intelligence that will lead to many more victories in the future against our enemy.
Ryan's legacy is etched into eternity. Thank you. General Mattis, General Mattis, just now, that generated large amounts of vital... His legacy is etched into eternity. Thank you. His legacy is etched into eternity. Thank you.
And Ryan is looking down right now. You know that. And he's very happy because I think he just broke a record.
For as the Bible teaches us, there is no greater act of love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. Ryan laid down his life for his friends, for his country, and for our freedom. And we will never forget Ryan.
To those allies who wonder what kind of a friend America will be, look no further than the heroes who wear our uniform. Our foreign policy calls for a direct, robust, and meaningful engagement with the world. It is American leadership based on vital security interests that we share with our allies all across the globe. We strongly support NATO, an alliance forged through the bonds of two world wars that dethroned fascism and the Cold War and defeated communism.
But our partners must meet their financial obligations. And now, based on our very strong and frank discussions, they are beginning to do just that. In fact, I can tell you the money is pouring in. Very nice. We expect our partners, whether in NATO, the Middle East, or in the Pacific, to take a direct initiative.
And Ryan is looking down right now. You know that. And he's very happy because I think he just broke a record. And Ryan is looking down right now. You know that. And he's very happy because I think he just broke a record. For as the Bible teaches us, there is no greater act of love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. Ryan laid down his life for his friends, for his country, and for our freedom. And we will never forget. And Ryan is looking down right now. You know that. And he's very happy because I think he just broke a record.
For as the Bible teaches us, there is no greater act of love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. Ryan laid down his life for his friends, for his country, and for our freedom. For as the Bible teaches us, there is no greater act of love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. Ryan laid down his life for his friends, for his country, and for our freedom. And we will never forget Ryan.
To those allies who wonder what kind of a friend America will be, look no further than the heroes who wear our uniform. Our foreign policy calls for direct, robust, and meaningful engagement with the world. It is American leadership based on vital security interests that we share with our allies all across the globe. We strongly support NATO, an alliance forged through the bonds of two world wars that dethroned fascism and the Cold War and defeated communism. To those allies who wonder what kind of a friend America will be, look no further than the heroes who wear our uniform. Our foreign policy calls for direct, robust, and meaningful engagement with the world. It is American leadership based on vital security interests that we share with our allies all across the globe. We strongly support NATO, an alliance forged through the bonds of two world wars that dethroned fascism and the Cold War and defeated communism.
But our partners must meet their financial obligations. And now, based on our very strong and frank discussions, they are beginning to do just that. In fact, I can tell you the money is pouring in. Very nice. We expect our partners, whether in NATO, the Middle East, or in the Pacific, to take a direct and meaningful role in both strategic and military operations and pay their fair share of the cost. Have to do that. We will respect historic institutions, but we will respect the... To those allies who wonder what kind of a friend America will be, look no further than the heroes who wear our uniform. Our foreign policy calls for direct, robust, and meaningful engagement with the world. It is American leadership based on vital security interests that we share with our allies all across the globe. We strongly support NATO, an alliance forged through the bonds of two world wars that dethroned fascism and the Cold War and defeated communism. But our partners must meet their financial obligations. And now, based on our very strong and frank discussions, they are beginning to do just that. In fact, I can tell you the money is pouring in. Very nice. We expect our partners, whether in NATO, the Middle East, or in the Pacific, to take a direct and meaningful role in both strategic and military operations and pay their fair share of the cost. Have to do that. We will respect historic institutions. But our partners must meet their financial obligations. And now, based on our very strong and frank discussions, they are beginning to do just that. In fact, I can tell you the money is pouring in. Very nice. We expect our partners, whether in NATO, the Middle East, or in the Pacific, to take a direct and meaningful role in both strategic and military operations and pay their fair share of the cost. Have to do that.
We will respect historic institutions, but we will respect the foreign rights of all nations, and they have to respect our rights as a nation also. Three nations are the best vehicle for expressing the will of the people, and America respects the right of all nations to chart their own path. My job is not to represent the world. My job is to represent the United States of America. But we know that America is better off when there is less conflict, not more. We must learn from the mistakes of the past. We have seen the war and the destruction that have ravaged and raged throughout the world, all across the world. The only long-term solution for these humanitarian crisis with the United States, is the right of all nations. And we know that we will respect our rights as a nation also. Three nations are the best vehicle for expressing the will of the people, and America respects the right of all nations to chart their own path. My job is not to represent the world. My job is to represent the United States of America. more.
We must learn from the mistakes of the past. We have seen the war and the destruction that have ravaged and raged throughout the world, all across the world. The only long-term solution for these humanitarian disasters, in many cases, is to create the conditions where displaced persons can safely return home and begin the long, long process of rebuilding.
America is willing to find new friends and to forge new partnerships where shared interests align. We want harmony and stability, not war and conflict. We want peace wherever peace can be found. America is friends today with former enemies. Some of our closest allies, decades ago, fought on the opposite side of these terrible, terrible wars. This history should give us all faith in the possibilities for a better world. Hopefully, the 250th year for America will see a world that is more peaceful, more just, and more free.
On our 100th anniversary in 1876, citizens from across our nation came to Philadelphia to celebrate America's centennial. At that celebration, the country's builders and artists and inventors showed off their wonderful creations.
Alexander Graham Bell displayed his telephone for the first time. Remington unveiled the first typewriter. An early attempt was made at electric light. Thomas Edison showed an automatic telegraph and an electric pen.
Imagine the wonders our country could know in America's 250th year. Think of the marvels we can achieve if we simply set free the dreams of our people. Cures to the illnesses that have always plagued us are not too much to hope. American footprints on distant worlds are not too big a dream. Millions lifted from welfare to work is not too much to expect.
And streets where mothers are safe from fear, schools where children learn in peace, and jobs where Americans prosper and grow are not too much to ask. When we have all of this, we will have all nations, and they have to respect our rights as a nation also. Free nations are the best vehicle for expressing the will of the people, and America respects the right of all nations to chart their own path. My job is not to represent the world. My job is to represent the United States of America. But we know that America is better off when there is less conflict, not more.
We must learn from the mistakes of the past. We have seen the war and the destruction that have ravaged and raged throughout the world, all across the world. The only long-term solution for these humanitarian disasters in many cases is to create the conditions where displaced persons can safely return home and begin the long, long process of rebuilding.
America is willing to find new friends and to forge new partnerships where shared interests align. We want harmony and stability, not war and conflict. We want peace wherever peace can be found. America is friends today with former enemies. Some of our closest allies, decades ago, fought on the opposite side of these terrible, terrible wars. This history should give us all faith in the possibilities for a better world. Hopefully, the 250th year for America will see a world that is more peaceful, more just and more free.
On our 100th anniversary, in 1876, citizens from across our nation came to Philadelphia to celebrate America's centennial. At that celebration, the country's builders and artists and inventors showed off their wonderful creations.
Alexander Graham Bell displayed his telephone for the first time. Remington unveiled the first typewriter. An early attempt was made at electric light. Thomas Edison showed an automatic telegraph and an electric pen.
Imagine the wonders our country could know in America's 250th year. Think of the marvels we can achieve if we simply set free the dreams of our people. Cures to the illnesses that have always plagued us are not too much to hope. American footprints on distant worlds are not too big a dream. Millions lifted from welfare to work is not too much to expect.
And streets where mothers are safe from fear. Schools where children learn in peace. And jobs where Americans prosper and grow are not too much to ask. To create the conditions where displaced persons can safely return home and begin the long, long process of rebuilding. America is willing to find new friends and to forge new partnerships where shared interests align. We want harmony and stability, not war and conflict. We want peace wherever peace can be found.
America is friends today with former enemies. Some of our closest allies decades ago fought on the opposite side of these terrible, terrible wars.
This history should give us all faith in the possibilities for a better world. Hopefully the 250th year for America will see a world that is more peaceful, more just and more free. On our 100th anniversary in 1876, citizens from across our nation came to Philadelphia to celebrate America's centennial. At that celebration, the country's builders and artists and inventors showed off their wonderful creations.
Alexander Graham Bell displayed his telephone for the first time. Remington unveiled the first typewriter. An early attempt was made at electric light. Thomas Edison showed an automatic telegraph and an electric pen.
Imagine the wonders our country could know in America's 250th year. Think of the marvels we can achieve if we simply set free the dreams of our people. Cures to the illnesses that have always plagued us are not too much to hope. American footprints on distant worlds are not too big a dream. Millions lifted from welfare to work is not too much to expect. And streets where mothers are safe from fear, schools where children learn in peace, and jobs where Americans prosper and grow are not too much to ask.
When we have all of this, we will have made America greater than ever before. For all Americans, this is our vision. This is our mission. But we can only get there together. We are one people with one destiny. We all bleed the same blood. We all salute the same great American flag. And we all are made by the same God. When we fulfill this vision, when we celebrate our 250 years of glorious freedom, we will look back on tonight as when this new chapter of American greatness began.
The time for the small thinking is over. The time for trivial fights is behind us. We just need the courage to share the cost.
We will respect historic institutions, but we will respect the foreign rights of all nations, and they have to respect our rights as a nation also. Three nations are the best vehicle for expressing the will of the people and America respects the right of all nations to chart their own path. My job is not to represent the world. My job is to represent the United States of America. But we know that America is better off when there is less conflict, not more.
We must learn from the mistakes of the past. We have seen the war and the destruction that have ravaged and raged throughout the world, all across the world. The only long-term solution for these humanitarian disasters in many cases is to create the conditions where displaced persons can safely return home and begin the long, long process of rebuilding.
America is willing to find new friends and to forge new partnerships where shared interests align. We want harmony and stability, not war and conflict. We want peace wherever peace can be found. America is friends today with former enemies. Some of our closest allies decades ago fought on the opposite side of these terrible, terrible wars. This history should give us all faith in the possibilities for a better world. Hopefully, the 250th year for America will see a world that is more peaceful, more just, and more free.
On our 100th anniversary in 1876, citizens from across our nation came to Philadelphia to celebrate America's centennial. At that celebration, the country's builders and artists and inventors showed off their wonderful creations.
Alexander Graham Bell displayed his telephone for the first time. Remington unveiled the first typewriter. An early attempt was made at electric light. Thomas Edison showed an automatic telegraph and an electric pen.
Imagine the wonders our country could know in America's 250th year. Think of the marvels we can achieve if we simply set free the dreams of our people. Cures to the illnesses that have always plagued us are not too much to hope. American footprints on distant worlds are not too big a dream. Millions lifted from welfare to work is not too much to expect. And streets where mothers are safe from fear, schools where children learn in peace, and jobs where Americans prosper and grow are not greater than ever before.
For all Americans, this is our vision. But we can only get there together. We are one people with one destiny. We all bleed the same blood. We all salute the same great American flag. And we all are made by the same God. When we fulfill this vision, when we celebrate our 250 years of glorious freedom, we will look back on tonight as when this new chapter of American greatness began.
The time for small thinking is over. The time for trivial fights is behind us.
We just need the courage to share the dreams that fill our hearts, the bravery to express the hopes that sear our souls, and the confidence to turn those hopes and those dreams into action. From now on, America will be empowered by our aspirations, not burdened by our fears, inspired by the future, not bound by failures of the past, and guided by a vision not blinded by our doubts. I am asking all citizens to embrace this renewal of the American spirit. I am asking all members of Congress to join me in dreaming big and bold and daring things for our country. I am asking everyone watching tonight to seize this moment, believe in yourselves, believe in your future, and believe once more in America. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States, and the confidence to turn those hopes and those dreams into action. From now on, America will be empowered by our aspirations, not burdened by our fears, inspired by the future, not bound by failures of the past, and guided by a vision not blinded by our doubts. I am asking all citizens to embrace this renewal of the American spirit. I am asking all members of Congress to join me in dreaming big and bold and daring things for our country. I am asking everyone watching tonight to seize this moment, believe in yourselves, believe in your future, and believe once more in America. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States. When we have all of this, we will have made America greater than ever before.
For all Americans, this is our vision. This is our mission. But we can only get there together. We are one people with one destiny. We all bleed the same blood. We all salute the same great American flag. And we all are made by the same God. When we fulfill this vision, when we celebrate our 250 years of glorious freedom, we will look back on tonight as when this new chapter of American greatness began.
The time for small thinking is over. The time for trivial fights is behind us.
We just need the courage to share the dreams that fill our hearts, the bravery to express the hopes that sear our souls, and the confidence to turn those hopes and those dreams into action. From now on, America will be empowered by our aspirations, not burdened by our fears, inspired by the future, not bound by failures of the past, and guided by a vision not blinded by our doubts. I am asking all citizens to embrace this renewal of the American spirit. I am asking all members of Congress to join me in dreaming big and bold and daring things for our country. I am asking everyone watching tonight to seize this moment, believe in yourselves, believe in your future, and believe once more in America. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States. When we have all of this, we will have made America greater than ever before.
For all Americans, this is our vision, this is our mission, but we can only get there together. We are one people with one destiny. We all bleed the same blood. We all salute the same great American flag, and we all are made by the same God. When we fulfill this vision, when we celebrate our 250 years of glorious freedom, we will look back on tonight as when this new chapter of American greatness began.
The time for small thinking is over. The time for trivial fights is behind us.
We just need the courage to share the dreams that fill our hearts, the bravery to express the hopes that share our souls, and the confidence to turn those hopes and those dreams into action. From now on, America will be empowered by our aspirations, not burdened by our fears, inspired by the future, not bound by failures of the past, and guided by a vision not blinded by our doubts. I am asking all citizens to embrace this renewal of the American spirit. I am asking all members of Congress to join me in dreaming big and bold and daring things for our country. I am asking everyone watching tonight to seize this moment, believe in yourselves, believe in your future, and believe once more in America. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_larry_the_goose_one_year_later_saturday_night_live | One year ago, this week was the Miracle on the Hudson when Captain Chesley Sullenberger safely landed his plane in the Hudson River after it struck a flock of geese here to comment. one year later, Larry the Goose. So, how are you, Larry? Not great. I see you got a black wing band there.
Yes, Seth, it's to honor the brave Geese who history has forgotten. So I take it. you're not celebrating the Miracle on the Hudson? you call it the Miracle on the Hudson. we call it the day the crazy loud big thing came at us out of nowhere. Yeah, that's less poetic. it sounds better in Goose. Now, Seth, if I may, I'd like to read the names of some of the Geese who perished that day. these were geese of great dignity. Okay, yeah, we'd like that. Goose Springsteen. Featherlock Lear. that's not a name. Ganderson Cooper. Geese Witherspoon.
President Quackery Taylor. President of what?
Honk Williams Jr. indie rock duo The Wing Wings. topical. And, of course, Mother. I'm sorry. Mother Goose? her name was Gale! Is this all a joke to you, Seth? yeah, I mean, a little bit. Fine, before I go, I'd like to recite a poem I wrote in honor of all the lost Goose souls. if everyone could just close their eyes. Seth, close your eyes. it's called Perchance. We'll meet in fields of Gold. that's a beautiful name. Thank you. Ahem.
Agh! Agh! through the Valley of Shadows. Agh!
That is a bad poem.
I wrote most of it in Goose. yeah, I could tell. I'm on Tv! Larry the Goose, everybody. Cheers! |
TheOnion | Banana_Sex_Olympics_Sex_House_Ep_5 | Six sexty Americans, alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This is Sex House. Welcome to Sex House. They brought in a doctor to see why we aren't having sex and surprise, we were like super malnourished.
Did you eat some sort of clay in the past few hours? I don't remember eating any clay.
Well it looks like congratulations are in order. The doctor was coming on to me but I have my eyes set on someone else. The host has been paying special attention to me recently. Are you people even washing? None of you are even remotely slotted up except Alex. I think we're officially dating. So how's everything looking?
This is out of control. I'm surprised they make three more days. We're okay, right? No, we are not okay. These people are sick.
What? Dad! How are my little sex cubs?
They have more than my lungs. Worry no more, Bananaland Fruit Corp is rocking your g-spot of hunger with a free supply of sexy bananas, nature's sexiest fruit, and don't forget to check out the Bananaland Sex Pack, the six banana blast, all coming together at a hard no. Those bananas literally just saved my life straight up. We need food to live because we're humans. I'm excited about all these bananas. Anything to restore my strength so I can get my fuck on. I wasn't hoarding bananas. I was just gathering a bunch together so they'd all be in one place. There's no way they're just going to give us food and not expect something in return.
Does it not occur to you that you shackled the house's only black guy? Oh yeah, they shackled up Derek. He just woke up one morning and he was chained to the stairs.
It's messed. They said it was because he drew Muhammad on his forehead, but I think it's because they don't like him or because he's gay. You were a bad boy and so you have to sit and stew in sex jail until you learn your lesson. Okay, come on guys, this is ridiculous. Sorry, they are too busy competing in our next sexy challenge.
Whoever wins this one gets a free sample of Bananaland's new heated fruit cup. The fruit cup for adults. Share a heated fruit cup with your lover tonight. That hot fruit cup is as close as I'm going to come to prenatal vitamins, so I have to win it.
First up, spin the banana. Aaron, come on, I'm not, just stop, I'm not even putting it on. Sexy banana pass. The sexy games are feeling a little forced. Throw a banana peel at who you want to get it on with.
I could see me and the host getting married someday. Do you want to come upstairs with me, sweetie? You can do whatever you want to me. Sorry, I'm not interested, I'm asexual. Fine, this Sumian won't reject me.
What's going on with it? It's not working. What's wrong? Is the Sibian broken? No, it's not working.
Send in the repairman! All right, final round and it's anyone's game. Aaron is in the lead, so she gets to pick.
We can play banana blow sh** party, drink a bucket of regurgitated banana, or banana juggling ball. Regurgitated banana. I don't give a f**k anymore. I'm winning that hot fruit cup.
Seeing her like that, it got to me. Aaron, please. Please? Now I have to take care of you, too? No, Aaron. I just want you to know that I care about you, all right? And I'm going to be here for you and our baby.
Okay. I will. Before now, I didn't think it was possible to be in love with two people, but now I know you. Okay, here's what's going to happen. If you chew up a banana, you're going to regurgitate it into this bucket, and then Aaron is going to drink from it, I guess. Okay. Let's do this. All right. Looks like we're all in. Here we go. In three, two.
Hey, close that door. Before we knew what was going on, that lying pervert Frank goes for the door. Frank is not someone anyone can depend on ever. I'm not judging him or anything, just stating a fact.
I thought if I escaped, I could send help. If you think about it, it was really very selfless. I'm sorry I was scared.
Okay, well, it looks like we're entering Sex House Lockdown. We'll see you guys in a couple of days. Can I come home with you, baby?
God, that baby voice is just disgusting. You acting all sexed up like this just makes you more repulsive. I would sooner have sex with Steel Grading.
Come on, don't talk to her like that, all right? She doesn't deserve that. I wanted to be your girlfriend. Alex is obviously damaged. You can't talk to her like that.
What about the fruit cup? Fine. I will be back in a few minutes with your fucking hot fruit cup. Next week on a naughty new Sex House. I don't think he's coming back with the fruit cup.
Maybe you guys would have a little bit more food if you just pay your bills. So I was thinking Matthew would be a good name for the baby. That was my grandfather's name. I thought it would be kind of a nice tribute.
If I started to give Jay a hand job, would you at least finish it? My foot blew. My prescription is that you need to become intimate with someone tonight. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_191_Omar_Musa | We're on the home stretch to the holiday season, Christmas, Hanukkah, whatever you celebrate around this time of the year or nothing. Or you could be a super edgy, what's that one they do with the pole from Seinfeld? Didn't I?
Festivus. The festival for the rest of us. Festivus. That's the atheist Christmas.
I never got that show and why it's so popular. It's an acquired cultural taste, New York comedy, I believe. And it's actually interesting that we started with talking about the standup scene and American sitcoms because, you know, Australia has been cut off from the rest of the world for the last two years.
We just received notification that 200,000 migrant visas and foreign student visas will be allowed almost immediately. That's going to kickstart the economy and that's all that matters in this country. Yeah. And you know, and it's going to help the hospitality game who have been relying on Australians for too long. Everyone knows that skippies make the worst restaurant workers. Absolutely.
We're too entitled. Too entitled. Hate working.
And of course, all of these industries that I didn't realize was so dependent on open borders. And of course, our universities, who could forget the universities, the business models have changed rapidly. There's a few too many universities in this country. I know, but you know, they've got the foreign student cash cow, which has been, I guess, something that the business models have come to rely on over the last decade.
And that was a real shock to the system. This whole pandemic was a real shock to the system.
And people, you come to learn, even with domestic borders closed, state to state, how much of the world we used to be able to see and, you know, and how much we miss. And today's, I guess today's guest can kind of, he's written a book that's going to take us back to, you know, when we could dart off, you know, just next door to some of our Asian neighbors, when we could dart off to the Barleys, the Borneos.
To Lord Howe Island. Lord Howe Island, Norfolk Island.
You don't want to be going there. Norfolk. Those guys have eyes in Norfolk Island.
They do. Freaks me. They do. They have two heads and heaps of eyes.
I've been there a couple of times. It's fucking bad juju over there, mate. Yeah, yeah. Terrible. But today's guest, I'm going to finish this introduction, it's a long winded one.
We live in a world today, as I mentioned, we're very dependent, it's a globalized economy, Australia, very dependent on open borders. And as we learned during the, you know, the citizenship crisis, one in four Australians are native born to native born parents. You know, once upon a time, our writers and our artists would romanticize places like Broken Hill or Hill End or Tasmania, but now we've kind of got like this post national outlook on the world, particularly when it comes to arts. And we end up with people like Omar Musa. He can tell stories, authentic stories from his hometown of Queanbeyan and give us some great insight into how the world works there. And then again, he can take us to somewhere equally as foreign to, you know, to us as Batutans, you know, Omar's hometown of Queanbeyan is equally as foreign as, you know, his father's land of Borneo. And I guess the new book, he's written about Queanbeyan a few times now, he's published a few books about Queanbeyan, but this new book, Killanova, kind of talks about that particular part of the world I just mentioned, Borneo.
Now Omar, thank you for joining us today. Appreciate it. Thanks for having me.
Tell us what led to this new book, I mean, released at the best time of the year, just in time to fill some stockings. Just in time for Festivus. Festivus.
Yeah. Annual Christian Give Giving Day. Yep. And of course, every other holiday festival out there.
What inspired this book and how did you get there? Man, it came completely out of nowhere.
Hey, I was back in Borneo a few years ago. I'd got to this point in my life where I was like really sick of writing and performing. I'd come to hate the thing that I was supposed to love. And I was just traveling around, you know, I took the public ferry up from the east coast of Indonesian Borneo, a place called Samarinda, and just slept on the public ferry, floated up to the middle of the jungle. I just would hang out in longhouses, I'd sometimes walk into the jungle just wherever the road took me and then ask the local village head man if I could sleep in the longhouse. And yeah, I sort of came to realize like as I was, you know, chatting to these strangers who are still so familiar to me, getting in touch with my homeland again, that I needed a new form to express myself with. And I didn't know what that was going to be, but I thought it wasn't going to be to do with performing or words. And a couple of weeks later, I was back visiting my father in Malaysian Borneo.
And I was, I attended a woodcut workshop by this guy called Eric Lost Control, which is, yeah, it's not his government name, Lost Control. Yeah, his real name is Eric Tan, but he's from my dad's hometown, Sandakan. And this guy's an activist, he's a woodcutter, he's a punk rocker. And he, I just said, hey, man, I'm probably going to be really shit at this and sorry, I'm late, but do you reckon I can have a go? And so he taught me, he sat me down, taught me how to carve the wood, roll it with ink, press it into cloth or paper.
And yeah, I found this new art form to express myself with woodcut prints. And so I started combining the images, the visual art with poetry and with little silly stories and scraps from history. And yeah, and that's the origin stories of how I came up with this weird book that you're holding over there. It's a combo of art and poems.
I mean, big fan since I was a young man of the old lino print, the Australian, I guess. The appropriation. The Australian appropriation, a bit of lino, a bit of vinyl.
Just some more artistic theft, you know, it's been going on for thousands of years. But you know, that's what we would have been taught and everyone would have cut themselves up as young kids in art class with those blades.
What are you working with here? What is, with this medium, it's a print, but what are we working with?
Yeah, so that's interesting. It's not expensive rosewood or cherry wood or anything like the old Japanese masters use. The guys in Borneo use MDF, you know, cheap, compressed sawdust pretty much, it's like an offcut of the logging industry. And that's what makes it sort of interesting and sort of complicated, I guess, because, you know, I'm talking a lot in the book about the logging industry that's destroying my homeland and deforestation. But then I'm carving wood. That's an offcut of that industry.
So it makes me kind of complicit in some weird way. So I think complicity is something that I explore a lot.
Well, you know, DiCaprio gets private jets.
So you can't really criticize the man's platform, can you? If the platform is spreading the word, that is much louder than the wood it's cut on.
Can you tell us a little bit about how much you knew about where, I guess it's your homeland, I said your father's land earlier, it's your homeland too. Tell us a little bit about how much you knew of that growing up.
I mean, you know. Of Borneo? Yeah. Of just all this. I mean, you obviously explored and seen a lot, you know, that's all covered in killing over. But you know, you, as we said earlier on the New South Wales side of Canberra's outskirts, was this always something that was kind of hovering around? Yeah.
I was always deeply connected to my culture. My mum is white Australian. She's Irish Australian from Forbes, Western New South Wales.
But shout out to Forbes. Yeah, actually, Flood Times, the Gordon Duff bridge that was built to help Forbes during Flood Times. Gordon Duff was my grandpa.
But my mum, even though she's Aussie, she speaks fluent Bahasa, Malaysia and Bahasa Indonesia. She learned it. And so growing up, you know, my parents really encouraged me to stay connected through the language and also obviously through the food. At the time in the 80s, there was only two Asian supermarkets in Canberra, as far as I can remember, like one in Dickson, one in Mawson. And so, you know, getting some char kway teow or making a laksa or a rendang every couple of weeks on payday, that was like a special way of me connecting with my culture. But yeah, like the nuances of it, obviously, as a kid, you don't understand them. You know, I thought I was just a Malay kid. But once you start going back to Borneo and you understand the intricacies of the race relations in the place like Malaysia, you start to be able to break your identity down a little bit and realize that, you know, somewhere like Borneo, there's 45 different tribes and a lot of them now define themselves as Malay, but it's actually a bit more complicated than that.
Yeah. I mean, just when you look at Malaysian Australians and themselves, we can see that, you know, the different faiths and different backgrounds, different colors, you know, we've got, I mean, obviously, Kamal, of course, and then Abdullah Abdullah, former friend of the show, guest, former guest, friend of the show, Guy Sebastian, Guy Sebastian and Kyrios, you know, Kyrios, the king, Penny Wong, Po, Adam. So yeah, me and Abdul talked about this and I'm, we've come to the realization, sorry, I've come to the realization and the decision that I am the seventh most famous Malaysian Australian. Okay. And Abdul's the eighth. Okay. Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's pretty high stakes until he wins an Archibald, until he wins an Archibald. Yeah, exactly.
You might hold him off with this new book for a little while. He'll never let Rod Kamal. No one can. Kamal.
Yeah, no, no. Well, it, there's often, there's actually a very strong kind of bond that intertwines Australian history and Malaysian history in your father's hometown of Senecan. In the Second World War, you know, that was, that was a big prisoner of war camp. When students, you know, were learning about this in school, how was that interpreted from your end? You know, like, this has always been a place that's been so familiar to you.
Yeah, that's, that's a really good question. That's the first time someone's asked me that, actually.
Yeah, Sandakan, you know, it was a place where the, with the, yeah, the death camp, and that was really close to my grandma's village. And I knew a lot about it, but I think one of the sad things is that the local presence is often forgotten about, you know, like, because there were a lot of Dayak people, indigenous people who helped out the, the Allies. But then those same Allied forces that get so lionized and spoken about in history from the Australian perspective, they also, you know, they did bomb local towns to bits. So it was actually, like, a lot of local people suffered as well, but they're forgotten about in this grand mythology of our World War II history, you know, I mean, as tragic as it was, obviously. But yeah, I was sort of aware of that special connection that Australia and Borneo had, because also a lot of the headhunting tribes, you know, they would, they reignited that practice in World War II. And if there were soldiers that went off the, Japanese soldiers went off the track, they found, you know, Japanese heads from World War II up in the, up in the eaves of longhouses in the jungle, you know.
Really? Yes, it's pretty, pretty full on. They were not expecting that, were they? Yeah, they weren't expecting that.
I mean, you've got the Americans with, you know, with, like, unmatched superiority. You got, you know, Australians going through the forest with flamethrowers and the locals, you know, are out to get you too.
Fucking hell. Yeah, it's funny. I mean, look, old habits die hard, you know, because I was, even, you know, I was telling you about that, that trip, taking the public ferry up the river. Yeah. When I got to the end, I was chatting to some local blokes and they go, Oh, look, you know, yeah, that headhunting, we don't, we don't do it anymore. And they go, well, well, look, if someone's really bad, you know, it's, it's, yeah, we don't. It's not condoned. Yeah.
Can you tell us a little bit about Borneo as an island? Like, you know, some people would, I mean, Brunei, you got them in the mix too. You know, you've got, you've got a lot going on, not just, the multi-ethnic and multicultural aspect of the, of each community you walk into, but you've also got borders everywhere. Yeah. When were these all drawn up? And was there ever a time where Borneo was one?
Well, I mean, look, I'm not a, I'm not a historian.
I mean, I think, it was occupied by, by a lot of different powers over the years. You know, the Dutch had a section of it, the British had a section of it. There was a time when in the 1800s when a rogue American trader actually got the rights to North Borneo for a while, for about a year. The Spanish were trying to, to control it for a while. The Italians talked about making North Borneo a penal colony. And then of course, the Philippines and the Sultanate of the Southern Philippines has still, I think, sometimes makes a claim on Borneo. And so the two Malaysian Borneo states, Sabah and Sarawak, they had a few different options, I think in the 1960s, if I'm not mistaken. You know, about being autonomous, going with the state of Malaysia, going with the Philippines or going with Indonesia. So when you talk about these melting, shifting borders, I mean, that's, that's a case in modern history where, you know, one political decision, it sort of changes the future of a place forever. And, and in some ways, you know, Borneo has been raped and pillaged for its resources by mainland Malaysia for so long that there are people, and I don't think I really have a right to comment on this, but there are people who think it would have been better to go the route of somewhere like Singapore and have autonomy, but it's probably, yeah, like I say, I'm not a historian and I'm not, I wasn't born and raised there.
So sometimes these things are difficult because I do feel like I want to be, and I am part of the conversation in a lot of ways now being connected with the art scene over there. But then, you know, you got to know your lane as well. Yeah. You've got to, you've got to, I mean, it's, it's hard to ever know who had the most charisma, who was leading the conversations, who was, you know, there's a lot of, I'm sure there's a lot of history that wasn't documented about how those decisions were made. Oh, a hundred percent. This is a crazy thing to bring up, but I bring it up in the book.
There are a lot of people who say that when Borneo became a part of the Malaysian Federation, the government actually burned a whole lot of books that were to do with indigenous culture and language, you know, actively had book burnings. You know what I mean? And even if that didn't happen historically, the government banned speaking indigenous languages on television, on radio and the teaching of it in schools. So even post the British, when the state of Malaysia came in, it was almost like a new form of colonisation also occurred, you know?
So it's, yeah, it's, it's interesting stuff, man. But, you know, it's something I explore through art.
These cultures survive?
Oh, definitely. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
I mean, there's still a lot of debates around it though, because it's tricky. You know, the government is always on a land grab and a cash grab. And, and a bit of revisionism in there, a lot of revisionism and people, you know, getting screwed over by the bottom dollar, you know, the big dollar, especially in regarding resources like, like logging, oil, gas, all that sort of stuff.
Rubber, it's rubber. Yep. That was a good one. Yeah.
So, you know, even something like that has resonance because like the government put in this thing where they made palm oil plantations and they hired all of the rural poor, gave them plots of land, gave them a house to live in. And so most of my family on the east coast were labourers on the palm oil plantation and now in the west, you know, we might demonise people who are part of the palm oil, but what were the people in the 1970s going to do when they're, when they're poor labourers and they're offered a plot of land and a house, you know, uh, these things are tricky. It helped modernise Malaysia while also destroying it.
Yeah. Like the coal industry in Queensland, mate. It's like, you're going to upset a lot of people in Melbourne. Well, yeah. I mean, it's, it's, obviously I'm not, I'm not pro palm oil, but then like when you talk to a poor, a poor person on the east coast, they go, yeah, well, look, the Westerners are always going on about these monkeys in trees. But what about us? We can't feed our kids, you know? So these things are never, never simple, are they? Yeah.
I want to go back, scooch back a little bit to, you know, when you first kind of popped up on the, uh, on the literary scene, what was the trigger for you to get your first writer's festival into the invitation? Cause you've written a lot of stuff. You've written a few books, but you've done, you've done a lot of stuff. You've done poetry, you know, you've done a lot of essay writing and of course you're, you're a published author, you know, both kind of semi-autobiographical like this one and, and you've dabbled in all kinds of stuff. You've dabbled in full-blown fiction.
Yeah.
Well, um, I think it was 2007 or 2008. I got the worst, I got the worst memory, but I won the Australian Poetry Slam at the Sydney Opera House and the prize for it was $5,000 cash. Part of the prize was going to the Ubud readers and writers festival in Bali and, um, and that was my first time going to a writers festival and interacting with novelists and playwrights. So that was your first year you hadn't really even done the Sydney Melbourne Canberra thing? No, I don't think I had. So that kind of goes back to this, you know, this new wave of kind of like, you know, Australia as a, you know, a part of Asia and the fact that, you know, the bloke has just won the Poetry Slam at the Sydney Opera House first writers festivals in Indonesia. Yeah, totally. And I hadn't even, I hadn't published a book either. I was, I was a performer, you know, I was coming out of the hip hop scene, you know, basically it was 50 50, uh, doing rap shows and poetry shows, even though I was sort of trying to melt the borders between those as well.
And so, yeah, I went over and then I realized, oh shit, maybe I should have something to give to people if I meet people because I wanted to do this as a career, you know, and so I printed up at the, at this place, I forget what it was called, but it was behind the Luxor shop in Dickson in Canberra. And I printed up some, some little poetry books and it was this thing called the clocks. I got my, my mates, Cole Bennetts, who's still my collaborator to this day to help me design it. And then I just started giving it to all these different authors and poets and slowly starting to build a, build a following for myself and build a career like doing, taking advantage of social media. You know, I realized that that was a tool at my disposal, Facebook, YouTube, you know, MySpace back then I was using that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your profile song. Yeah, yeah. My top eight friends and uh, and yeah, so I slowly started building from there, but I pretty much came out of performance into the writing side of it. And then tell me a little bit about your semi biographical stuff about Queenbyr and, and, and how it was writing that, cause that's very different to, you know, what we're talking about falling asleep on ferries in Borneo, you know, this is more falling asleep at train stations and the outskirts of Canberra. Yeah, well, yeah, one of the iconic, brutalist, circular bus stops of Canberra. Yeah.
Look, I've always been really proud of being from, from Queenbyr in New South Wales. You know, when I was growing up in Canberra, everyone paid me out.
They called Queenbyr and struggle town. They say that it's the town that was dug and not built. Even now they make jokes about Queenbyr. That's a pretty good sledge. The town that was dug and not built.
Yeah. You know, I was always really proud of being from there because I thought that it was like, it was a real place. Like it had a soul. It was this, this interesting mix of multicultural elements. It was a bit rougher, you know, it's definitely changed now. It's gentrified a little bit. But I always had this idea as I got into writing that Queenbyr was a microcosm for Australia. It's a little bit, but a little bit like Batuda.
Yeah. Case study. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, because it was sort of, even the motto of Queenbyr is, um, city living, country benefits. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you skip town quick. This mix of rural and urban, it's got all these different multicultural elements. And so I was always trying to kind of raise a place like that, that people would shit on and make fun of, but raise that to the level of, of myth. Like, like, you know, it's, it's not like that coastal idyll or, you know, it's not like the outback. It's kind of rough suburbia.
And I wanted in my own narrative to raise that to the level of myth. And I thought that would be interesting.
Out of Metro. Yeah. What's that? Out of Metro. Yeah. Out of Metro.
But it's an interesting thing to have, you know, running alongside Canberra. Queenbyr is an interesting place because Canberra, it's multicultural, but we're talking a different kind of multiculturalism there. We're talking diplomats and, you know, and, and, and public servants, people that probably aren't even, you know, a lot, a lot of families are raised there, you know, from different migrant families, but. And Canberra's a bit creepy.
Yeah, yeah. Like it's, it's, it's all planned. Yeah, a bit of a Truman show. And then, but like, you can see the parts that were planned and then, you know, the town plan is like, fuck.
All right, let's put on another big suburb here. We'll, we'll call it Garland. And then we'll go on. But then you've got the actual, I guess the working class, the workers that would come into Canberra would be based out of Queenbyr, New South Wales side of the border.
So you've also got, you know, the interstate benefits as well. You have the benefits of being a state. You don't have to rely on the territory government to pick up your rubbish, but, you know, it's a bit more authentic than you do, you know, you mean?
Yeah.
I mean, I, I do have love for Canberra now. I used to make this distinction, but it's like, oh, come on, look, you know, Queenbyr and Canberra, inextricably linked. We're like the, the older, smaller, rowdier brother, you know what I mean? You're like what Delaware is to Washington, DC. But, yeah, I don't know. I think it's an interesting place.
Because I heard that like early on when Canberra was created, Queenbyr had already been around for like a hundred years, and there was, there was a railway line. That's why they, that's part of the reason they built Canberra there. But Canberra was teetotalling.
You couldn't, you couldn't drink, I believe.
Yeah. And, but people would have to go across to Queenbyr and get wasted, you know? So I think that's where some of that, some of that started, that whole idea that it was a bit, you know, a bit rougher and everything. But yeah, I mean, I think it's, the other thing that I often forget to say is that it is a really beautiful place naturally, you know, and that's one thing I've sort of really come to realise, especially during COVID, because we're forced to look locally. Yeah. So I'll just, instead of like going abroad, I'd be just like wandering these same streets that I've been wandering for years and years, going on bushwalks and being like, man, I was so lucky to grow up here. It's just beautiful.
Tell us a little bit about the demographics of Queenbyr, you know, we've just spoken about Borneo, you know, and that was a multicultural kind of melting pot, melted borders. But Queenbyr, and I guess you covered a lot of this in your book, 2013, Here Come the Dogs. Tell us a little bit about the different cultures you grew up alongside and how they informed your writing around that time. Yeah, it's a good question, you know, because your own personal story of it is probably quite different to the actual official demographics. Like, I remember recently looking at the demographics of Queenbyr, and it is actually quite overwhelmingly Anglo still, which is weird, because I always had the idea that I grew up around so many different cultures, and I don't know if that was just because I grew up in a flat block. So there was like, you know, there was us, there was a Malaysian family, there was Koreans, there was a lot of islanders, there was a lot of people from the Balkans. So the way I remember it is that I grew up all around islanders, and people from Macedonia, Serbia, Croatia, stuff like that, a lot of indigenous people as well.
But yeah, officially, it's probably, probably quite different to that. But it informed me in heaps of different ways, I think.
I mean, firstly, just in a personal way, we all used to like just congregating on the stairs of the flats and just telling yarns from our different parts of the world. Well, sorry, our parents did, you know, and so we soaked in this love of, of storytelling. And I even I used to like there was this one guy who was always telling tall tales and, and I quite liked the fact that I knew that they were made up, you know, and like, I knew that it didn't actually happen, but they were still really, they were even better because.
Yeah. And the second time it comes out. And you go, Oh, did I say that? Oh, yeah. But no, there was that.
But then there was also this idea that we're all from different backgrounds, but we're trying to forge a community, you know, from fracture in a way like there are a lot of people coming after the wars in the Balkans and stuff like that. And then I used to think it was just this like really particular kind of weird mix of people. It was like, where else in the world would you have a group of friends like the one I describe in Here Come the Dogs where there's one guy who's Macedonian and, and one guy who's Samoan, but they're finding all these commonalities through their various religious backgrounds and all this sort of stuff.
And so yeah, it's, I think it's also given me this chip on my shoulder, you know, I wasn't from Sydney, I wasn't from Melbourne, I wasn't from what was perceived as the epicentre of Australian culture. You weren't even from Canberra, really? I wasn't even from Canberra, exactly. And so although I kind of grew up pretty privileged in certain ways, like, you know, I came from an artistic family, like, my mum was a journo. But then growing up where I did, yeah, in the flats in Queanbeyan, I kind of got this chip on my shoulder. And I also learned that I wanted to celebrate kind of the outsider, I guess, and it gave me a particular view on society that you couldn't get if you're right at the epicentre.
Yeah, if you're part of the Sydney push. Yeah, exactly.
And tell us a little bit about Here Come the Dogs. For those in the track that haven't, you know, read your stuff, and certainly haven't seen your block paintings, tell us about Here Come the Dogs. And just how biographical is it? Oh, man, Here Come the Dogs.
It feels like a lifetime ago that I wrote it. I think it came out in 2013, 2014.
It's about three friends, all of different ethnic backgrounds growing up in a small unnamed town on the edge of a larger unnamed city. And then yeah, one of them becomes a masturbating arsonist. So yeah, it's a pretty wild, crazy book, a lot of it about hip hop culture, low level crime, drug dealing, graffiti, race relations, anger, powerlessness, masculinity.
Yeah, look, I don't like to go backwards with my artistic practice. So I haven't read it or looked at it in years. Yeah. But I think I've, you know, it's always interesting to hear people now saying that it resonated with them. Because for me, it makes me a bit uncomfortable. It was like, a different me that made it.
It's really dark. It's really angry. You know what I mean? It's, it's almost verging on nihilism.
On your young man shit. It's on my young man shit.
And I saw them. So it makes me, it makes me a bit uncomfortable sometimes looking back at it. But I think also, maybe that's why it resonated with a lot of people because it was really raw. Like me nowadays, I couldn't, I don't think I could write a book like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a bit too optimistic. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I just remember like the morass I was in at the time of like mental health problems and addiction and all sorts of stuff. And you've seen and now you've seen the, I mean, it's not, it's, you've found that you've seen the beauty and all that in your art and in the island as well.
But you know, in between that 2013 to now, and we obviously spoke to Abdullah Abdullah about this not long ago, but you, you know, and well before 2013, but you know, between 2013 and now we saw a lot of stuff happening in the world that would have politicized your existence much more than it already had been. Abdullah spoke to this. Abdullah Abdullah, you know, the artist, the famous Malaysian Australian talks about that 2001, just that moment when his family went from the eccentric people down the street who dressed, you know, eccentric and we didn't, you know, we didn't know much about them to, you know, what Muslims and what that became in the eyes of the Australian media, political class, school yards, you know, everything when the towers came down since 2013, it's ramped up even more. We almost saw a prime minister, I guess you could say ousted just because of how those pot buttons he was pressing in the shape of Tony Abbott. How did that inform where you ended up, you know, in 2013, the rise of ISIS, the laws, the terrorism laws, the all of the stuff that's been, you know, happened since then. And it seems like COVID's really pushed a lot of this stuff out of the news cycle. But that was definitely what people were using leading into elections in Islam, the fear of the fear of the great unknown.
And, you know, people within our community were feeling that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, I'm not alone in saying this, but the shadow of 9-11 sort of hangs over my whole life and my whole political identity. Because yeah, you do go from being kind of the eccentric ethnic family or ethnic kid who has still definitely experienced as racism and everything, but in a more kind of nebulous, vague way. And then suddenly, when you're watching the television, you realize like, Oh, my God, I am the enemy of the state. Yeah, you know. And then the Cronulla Riots comes around. And it's some rather formative years for yourself. Yeah. And the sword sharpens even more. You know what I mean? And it feels like the blade's been sharpening ever since. Something like the Christchurch massacre, that tragic event is where we see that. And I don't think, you know, I think it's unhealthy to think of that event as just some rogue, crazed madman. I do feel it's like the sharp end of that blade. Yeah. And it's the product of all of this dog whistling, all of this demonizing of an entire community. And so did that make me more angry, more fierce to try and stand taller as well? Yeah, it probably did. But it also, no matter how strong you are, it can't help but also erode you at the same time, you know? Yeah. So you, you know, you're taking knocks. Was your riding being affected by all that, you know, in that news cycle or were you finding inspiration, you know, probably unwanted inspiration? Well, yeah.
I mean, there is a poem in the book that I'm very proud of that's about visiting the mosque where the Christchurch massacre occurred and my complicated relationship with Islam, you know, because I do have a complex nuanced relationship with it. I was raised very religious, but I'm not super religious now. And I feel like, you know, people have always tried to push me into a box of their creation, whether it's racist, right-wingers demonizing you or it's well-meaning lefties trying to make you some spokesperson.
We'd love you on the panel, Omar. Exactly, well, exactly. Like I remember, you know, when I was on Q&A, I remember someone on Twitter.
We can't pay you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can't pay you.
We'd love your lens. Yeah, I remember I was on Q&A years and years ago and someone on Twitter said, Oh my God, this could be the new hot, young face of moderate Islam in Australia. You know what I mean? And I was like, man, I'm not even sure I'm young, hot or moderate.
That's, I mean, that's a fucking rollercoaster of a tweet, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, it's wild. It's just jumping all over the place.
But like, and she means well, but you know, it's just, it's just not it. And that's definitely a box you've been put in there. Well, yeah. And, and that's what I'm saying. You know, like they think they're uplifting you by putting you in this box, but actually it's diminishing you.
And so I've fought against that for years. And so I kind of purposefully actually didn't write a lot about my Muslim identity and kept that very personal because I didn't want to be forced into that, into being some spokesperson or poster boy, especially because of some of the issues I've had. I sort of, yeah, I found it, I found it tricky. You know, there were times I felt like a hypocrite when, you know, I was clearly a Muslim Australian, but then I was being very open about like alcohol and drug use, stuff like that. You know, it made me feel like a hypocrite, but as the years have gone on and I think I've settled into, you know, being comfortable with, with those paradoxical elements, I'm also comfortable kind of talking about them and I discuss them a lot more in this new book.
Yeah, it is, it is interesting. Uh, I would have to say for Muslim Australians and, and you know, as someone with a story like yours growing up around all different cultures, living a life that you said you feel contradictions every day, feel it in your public profile. Cause it's only taken, you know, in the last, um, in, in terms of Australian, you know, the, the history of Christianity in Australia terms like laps Catholic or recovering Catholic, you know, people have only just gotten comfortable saying that from like a, you know, uh, uh, a kind of spiritual end in Australia. And this is people that have been, you know, feeling that guilt for 200 years, you know what I mean? And it's, it's, it's a whole nother thing what you're talking about, you know what I mean? And it brings me to my next question. How does you, how do you feel that Islam is viewed, you know, back in Borneo because it's obviously not the only religion, right? No, it's not, but okay. This is really interesting stuff.
And so, you know, we live in a country where I would say that Islam is demonized, but Malaysia is a place where Islam is weaponized and so it's quite weird for me to have those, to have that identity and then to cross the border into the Homeland and suddenly it's flipped, you know what I mean? And so I think Abdul's found that as well. Like he was trying to talk in Indonesia when we were traveling around there about Islamophobia and to an audience of progressive people who were a bit confused because what they were worried about was the rise of the hard line and kind of fundamentalism and this really prescriptive form of Islam. That's the sort of Wahhabi style thing that is now sort of pervading Indonesia and Malaysia. They do have like an absolute, like they actually do have a phobia, you know, of a certain type of Islam.
Right. Yeah. Right.
And so, and so it's kind of, it's really tricky, right? It's a completely flipped and reversed conversation. It's all about power, isn't it? Yeah. And so when religion allies with power in a system like that, that they've got over there, it's obviously a very dangerous thing, but then when power sort of asserts itself against people of a minority, you know, and, and pushes them down, then it becomes a whole different power dynamic.
And so, yeah, like these things I've only started to really explore and try to understand in like the last, you know, five years or something. And obviously I'll never understand and I'm not a political scientist, I'm not an anthropologist, but I try to explore them through my poetry.
Yeah. And so getting a novel out, a memoir out, that's a certain, that's a taxing process. You know, you can be depleted in many ways, I'm guessing, I'm guessing we've never really done it, but how does that compare finishing a full, you know, here come the dogs, you know, full-blown story compared to what you've done here, where you're kind of putting yourself on the page, but in a much different way with the block paintings paired with poetry, how does the process feel and what's the difference?
Well, there's a huge difference between those two particular projects, cause this sort of came out of nowhere and it came from a much more joyful and playful place. It was unexpected. I never thought I'd be working in the visual arts, never.
And so I tried to keep it kind of sacred in that way and just to have fun with it and carve whatever I felt. I mean, obviously the book still deals with some of those darker issues, but I would say that it's, it's from a more joyful place. Whereas here come the dogs, I used to have this kind of view of art that it was a matter of life and death and that I was willing to sacrifice everything. I was willing to sacrifice my mental health, my liver, my life for the art.
And I did, what's that? Your rest. My rest. Exactly.
And, and I, and four years it took me to create Here Come The Dogs of almost pushing myself into madness, the darkest places. And I thought that was what it took to make good art. Whereas with this, I'm sort of trying to assert myself against that mythology and subvert it and question it and say, no, is that, maybe that's a big lie that we've been taught, that you, that you have to suffer as an artist to create the good art. I mean, we can talk about the dark issues, but maybe do it in a playful way, in a way that's a bit more ecstatic or euphoric. Yeah. How do you feel now, having done this, over 10 years writing and just, you know, in various disciplines of artistry, what has shattered, things certainly must have in the way you just said then you thought you had to kind of be this hard living hedonist and, you know, like kind of, you know, just emotional vandal, you know, on yourself. And was that, I mean, and you can be honest here, like w was that informed by kind of romanticized ideas of the great red wine, swilling writers out there, or, or was that kind of something you picked up on the journey through the Australian literary scene?
Because, you know, a lot of people, and you meet, you meet artists who, you know, people like to envision them, painters, particularly people like to envision them as, you know, just pissed all the time and just so eccentric and out there. And a lot of them will tell you, man, have you ever tried to paint drunk? It's incredibly hard.
Like Jimi Hendrix was much better sober. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's so funny to say that I remember a hip hop producer telling me that years and years ago when I was recording an album in Seattle and he goes, yeah, do you know when Jimi Hendrix was at his best when he was sober and clean?
And it's a good quote, but I actually do wonder was he like, was he ever? When did you see him?
Yeah, but, no, I'm not sure if I picked that up through Osmosis somehow through all the, you know, the Hemingways and the Bikaskis, although I was never like really a Bikaski fan, but I think it was that idea potentially, you know, maybe some subconscious thing in the early days of that, that I was going against the stereotypes of Australia, but maybe there was some weird part of me that was trying to fit in as well by saying like, you know, oh yeah, okay, I'm an outsider in these ways, but I'm also still, you know, a hard drinker and a larrikin and all that sort of stuff. Yeah, I'm Lawson out there in Bourke just drinking bottles of rum, you know?
Yeah, because even when we're sort of going against the mainstream, I think you're still conditioned by it in certain ways that you don't understand, you know what I mean? And, and yeah, like, I'm not sure. Well, I think because these issues take you to such a, such a dark place, it becomes basically a matter of life and death, whether you give into them or whether you try and turn your life around. And so it was a moment of necessity for me. If I wanted to keep living, that I'd have to learn to create art from a different place as well as live life differently. You know? So yeah, it's a hard question. I don't think I've ever been asked that or answered it before, but yeah, I'm going to think about it. All we know is during the lockdown, you were bushwalking, which is a good way of, yeah, it's a good, a good insight into where you're at now as an artist because, you know, here comes the dog era, could have been a couple of bottles of monkey brain and sitting in front of a typewriter.
Yeah, I mean, even that, the right, right drunk edit sober, it's just so ridiculous that everybody thinks that way. Imagine, think about how much shit poetry and fiction has come out of that, out of that principle. Or just imagine like, like, like sure you'd be able to do it for one day, but then when you get up in the morning and have to do it again, you know, there is just nothing inside your brain after a big day.
It's just, just a bunch of pigeons flying into windows covered, you know. Or the Homer Simpson, like the turtle playing the violin.
Yeah. Let's do it again. It's like, no, it's for good reason that everyone loves the second day of a big trip. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, you're going overseas, you pull into, you know, sometimes you get the first night fever. Yeah. First night fever, you kind of go to transfer and you spend a night in Singapore and you, you know, you're not even looking forward to your holiday after that, you know, let alone writing every day and taking a knock and everyone knows a real holiday is one where you're kind of really relaxing, you know, you're not living that way. So it would have been, it would be very difficult to, um, to get more than two good, good nights of drunken writing. Yeah, exactly.
I mean, what you said before you're, you're red lining the whole time when you do it for years and years on end, it's just so destructive, but yeah, I remember there was this one, this, this older writer that I met early on and, and he told me that he'd been off solids for 20 years, you know, and he just, he would just drink like two casks every night and then bash away on his laptop. And I remember thinking it was quite cool and now I just see it as a bit sad.
And stressful.
Imagine, I get on the cask wine. Uh, but it's also important to talk about these things, you know, like to de-stigmatize them like mental health addiction, you know, because, um, there are so many people out there, out there suffering, um, and then part of it is because of these mythologies that we build up in society and in, and in the art scene. And so, you know, I do see it a little bit nowadays as, as my job when I can to sort of dismantle it a little bit, or at least question the talent coming through, especially, you know, let them know that I need a, there's no boxes you need to take in terms of being a party boy, you can do that with your mates back home.
Yeah. Just get the work done and then you can go out, have, have the time of your young life, you know, it's easy peasy, but don't, yeah, just don't do it while you're writing. Well, mate, thanks for this. We're, um, we're very excited to have a, have a closer look at these, um, at these, you know, these artworks you've done and of course get through the poetry. Yeah. You've, uh, you've done it again. And, and, and do you think this has sent you on another path, uh, moving forward? Do you think it'll be, do you think it'll be painting or do you think it'll be writing? No idea, man. I think it might be working with glass. Yeah.
I've been thinking about that recently, but I don't know, man, like these, these things just come up out of nowhere and I, and I decided from now on not to question it just to follow the impulse whenever it pops up. And I just, I never know what it's going to be. So I just try to keep busy, try to keep putting work out. And then usually when I've got my main objective, some side shoot of a road will come out of nowhere and I'll just follow that.
Well, you gotta be happy with what you delivered this time around. Kila Nova by Oma Musa. It's out, uh, November 30th, end of this month.
All good bookstores. If you are going to buy it at a shop, make sure it's an independent bookseller. Yeah, that's it. Don't go to one that's owned by Woolworths, don't go to one that's owned by Coles, don't buy it online from some giant conglomerate. Go to your local bookstore that they've had a caning over this COVID. So it's good to go and spend your money at a good local bookshop.
And the, uh, on the jacket here, we have, uh, poetry that slips between the two worlds between play and dread. Like if Frank Ocean wrote Nostradamus. Oh man. Terrific.
On the back we have a, I guess you'd say some sort of a review from the Battuta Advocates, uh, Clancy overall, it says pretentious literary navel gazing. This will go well when thrown into the circle jerk of writers, festivals and resin jewelry led artists panels. That said, it's hard to deny the queen being edge that penetrates these whimsical post national musings. This man is pretty handy with a line a little line a little cutter too.
Congratulations, Omar. Thank you so much. Thanks for joining us. I feel blessed. |
cracked | everyone_s_favorite_star_wars_character_sucks_at_his_job | Bubba Feats is a terrible bounty hunter. Bubba Feats?
He's awful at bounty hunting, at hunting bounties. What does he ever accomplish? I don't know, maybe he caught Han Solo who is really hard to catch and is also a badass so a guy who catches a badass is a badass in his own right. Maybe that. But he didn't catch anyone.
He called up his buddy, Vader? Are they buddies? Like buddies? Or like buddies?
Either or? Neither. Nor. Whatever. All he does is follow the Will.I.Am.
Then he calls in his not-buddy Vader to catch him for him. Han doesn't give a space shit that Bobble Fudd is there. He takes a shot at Vader, who's the actual important threat. Which of course, Vader deflects, magics the gun into his hand and catches him. Bubba by the foot isn't a bounty hunter. He's a tracking device.
He's a badass. Vader was all like, no disintegration. No disintegration. Because he's a badass. He was afraid of Bubba Feats raw disintegratory power. No! He was like, no disintegration. No disintegration.
Because he's bad at his job. He's sloppy. He's a loose cannon. He resorts to disintegrations. That's not being good at your job. That's being so terrible at your job that you immediately jump to the last resort.
Okay. In the extended universe. Sorry. But. And I say this with nothing but love. F*** the extended universe. I'm talking about the movies, man. These three movies that everyone loves so goddamn much.
And the facts are, Monsieur Lafitte can't catch anyone without phoning the second most powerful dude in the universe. He can't kill anyone without vaporizing them on an atomic level.
And in Jedi, he just hangs out at Jabba's palace for years. To do what? Guard Frozen Han in case he unfreezes? And he doesn't even do that well. At the end of Jedi. When Han does unfreeze and they're out on the floaty sand boats, Boba Fett is right next to him. And instead of shooting him, he just aims his fist at something hundreds of yards away. Then he gets hit on the jetpack like a loser and lands in the one spot for miles that's a sentient death pit instead of just sand. Boba Fett.
Terrible. At. Everything. F***.
What happened to you? Why? Who hurt you?
Whatever. I still liked it. I'm just saying. Oh. Good.
Although, best part when they meet the um, ugh, the tiny, what's it's, no, no, no, the little bears. No! What are they? Ewoks. Ewoks! Yes! Best part. Nope. Gah!
Hi, I'm crack.com editor and chief Jack O'Brien and if you do not subscribe to our YouTube channel, I'm gonna fire that young man. No, you take that hat off. You don't deserve to wear that hat, Daniel. What did I say? Out of the shot. So subscribe. |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_guy_who_peaked_in_middle_school | What? Who is that? Yo! Jake! Oh, god. Jake! Jake, my man!
What's up, Hayden? I haven't seen you in forever! Yeah, since like, middle school? Yes, dude! Madison Middle! I was just there, actually. Oh, cool.
Do you have a kid? No. Dude, are you still with Jessica? From middle school? Jessica A? Nicole B? I don't remember. Susan Z? Remember when I pushed that kid down the stairs? What?
God, I was the king of pranks! That's not a prank. So funny, man.
My dad had to buy him a whole new wheelchair. Remember when we TP'd the PE teacher's house? Wasn't your dad the PE teacher?
Yeah, he spanks me good for that one. You mean spanked?
Remember when I lost my scooter and I broke my ankle looking for it in the sewer and my mom wouldn't come get me because she was too busy at work and when someone finally took me to the hospital they wouldn't let me in because I smelled so bad? No. It was the best day of my life. Bro, you remember when Brian got a boner in biology? What? No. He totally did, dude!
He would not stand up in front of the class. Like, he would not stand up.
Which Brian? You know, wheelchair Brian.
Oh. What? What is it?
Do you have any... Do I have any what? Gushers? No. Why would I have gushers? Never mind, I got some.
Madison Middle Dude. I used to run that school. The lunch lady, Ms. Muldry, she gave me the corner piece of the brownie every time.
Yeah, man. I heard she died. What? Come on, man.
It was like 15 years ago. She was so young! She was like 85. She was so hot!
I bet my dad could beat up your mom.
Bro, you remember Jake? What? I'm Jake. No, Wheelchair Jake. God, we went to school with a lot of wheelchair kids, huh?
Hey guys, thanks for watching. Please be sure to like and subscribe, and consider supporting us on Patreon. We'd really appreciate it. Thank you. Anyway... |
cracked | cracked_cut_up_an_inopportune_time_for_a_phone_call | My attitude is welcome to the town called Bel-A. Denay, thank you. Mankind, that word should have new meaning for all of us today. Are you using?
We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. Sir, our differences don't make us petty. We will be united in our common interests. So without a common interest, we should have been united? Perhaps this is fate that today is the Fourth of July.
No one else is going to back me up. And you will once again be fighting for our freedom. I'm the only one who has to tell me... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution. Sir, with the number of pauses you're taking, the aliens are going to be here before you're done. But from annihilation... We're going to have to call you back. The president won't shut the fuck up. We're fighting for our right to live. Judy, he's the president. What do you want me to say? To exist. I'll call you back.
And should we win the day? It's nighttime. The Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday. But as the day when the world declared in one voice, we will not go quietly into the night. You just said we will not vanish without a fight. Wait till we could vanish? We're going to live on. Yeah, if we don't die... We're going to survive. Could you speed it up, sir? Today, we celebrate our Independence Day.
Hello? Oh, honey, yes. No, I think he's right. Yeah, that is horrible. He talked to me.
Wife wants to separate.
Great speech, though. Really inspiring speech. Everyone... |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Directors_You_Didn_t_Know_You_Hated | Today we're here to talk about directors you didn't know you hated. Now, there are a lot of directors that you know that you hate. A lot of people hate Lars Von Trier because of his treatment of women. A lot of people hate Larry Clark because of the way he eroticizes teens. But there are some directors whose work is anonymous. And you would have to look on the IMDb or have an encyclopedic brain to really understand, oh my goodness, you hate these guys, because they made so many terrible films.
The first one for me, or my example, is Brian Robbins. Brian Robbins started as an actor. You might remember him from the 80s sitcom Head of the Class. He was the cool kid.
It's so easy to walk all over my fields, my duty.
And then he sort of moved on to directing. And he cut his teeth on a lot of sports movies that people don't remember or shouldn't remember. And then he hooked up with Eddie Murphy for a little movie called Norbit. Norbit stars Eddie Murphy in multiple roles. He plays a character named Rasputia.
Don't y'all look at that? I ain't had no cake.
She's over 300 pounds. She's mean. And she, in one scene, demands to go on this water slide.
Then something pretty funny happens. I'll show you how bits go down in a slide. It plays in the cheap seats. It's got a lot of broad jokes. There's some farting, I believe, a lot of gross-out stuff.
I haven't seen this movie. I guarantee you, there are fart jokes in that movie. This was not the end of Eddie Murphy and Brian Robbins collaborating, though. They made another film called Meet Dave, in which Eddie Murphy plays a spaceship who looks like Eddie Murphy.
Blown out of my own nose! It's all very confusing. That was not embraced in a Norbit-like fashion, however. You look at Norbit's success and think, oh boy, where are we as a culture? And then Meet Dave comes out in tanks, and you're like, oh, okay. There are lines that people will draw. You're twins!
The director I wanna talk about shares Brian Robbins' love of putting famous comedians in fat suits. His name is Roger Gosnell, and he had a breakout hit with Big Momma's House, starring Martin Lawrence as an FBI agent who has to go undercover as an obese grandmother. Big Momma could never forget that ass.
What? That's not the movie I wanna talk about, however.
Oh, yeah. Of all time. It kinda looked like the end of movies entirely. Hey, talk to the pa. It's cute animals doing cute things, which I have a soft spot for, but everyone likes candy. Here's a whole bag full of it, cinematically speaking. Say hello to my little friends.
What does the future hold for Mr. Roger Gosnell? Well, I like to hold out hope for even people who have not done good work in the past, and I think really his next film, The Smurfs, might actually turn it around. Nathan, you've chosen a director as well. Does it keep with the pattern? Is it someone who likes fat suits and fart jokes?
There is only one other filmmaker who enjoys those sorts of things and is pandering and terrible. I'm talking, of course, about Dom Shadyak. Shadyak started off with Jim Carrey. He directed Ace Ventura.
Do not go in there. Whoo!
Like the other directors, he just kind of kept failing upwards. He did Liar Liar. He did Bruce Almighty. But probably his worst film and the film that he's best known for is Patch Adams.
Robin Williams plays sort of a very depressed doctor who is put into a mental hospital. And what he discovers when he's in the mental hospital is that it's a very depressing place.
So he goes about changing that with sort of his comical antics. Who likes to masturbate? Yeah! It just kind of epitomizes the Shadyak touch. Combining a really horrible, badly conceived slapstick. Got a boner. And just the most rank kind of sentimentality. It also sounds like he is accustomed to taking a star who likes to improvise in an unfunny fashion and letting him go. Let's get ready to party!
Well, and the thing about Patch Adams, too, is he was a fascinating figure. I mean, he was a real guy. He was a political activist.
And they completely scrub all of the politics from this because that's something that's a little tricky. That's something that may not, you know, appeal to the broadest possible audience. And I feel like what all of these filmmakers share is that they care about nothing but.
Who fired it? Beanie! For more directors you didn't know you hated, log on to AVclub.com. |
cracked | if_movie_westerns_were_historically_accurate | Have you ever shot a horse in the face cuz it was lame? I can't say I have have you ever had a sheriff under your boot heel and you used your spur on his cheek and it Cut it open. He was like, oh Yes, what is that is that a cow like a wild cow I am just a regular cow Only just been there It's different.
It's Stanley. We're in here. Come on Howdy fellas Here's my cousin Stanley, New York City Well He's read a lot about the Wild West How'd it do gentlemen?
It's pleasure. Now. Am I playing tricks on me or was there a Camel hitched up outside. Oh Lord. Oh my you are Perfect. How many scalps you got to your name Bill? Well, I'm more of an ear man Just got the two partner. No Oh Partner, I love it bartender Give me a beer and a dirty glass before I start shooting Turn it Stanley. Would you sit down already?
Yeah Yeah, I wouldn't recommend a dirty glass friend body could get sick that way so Who's up tablet's been cleaned us out pretty good. I have a feeling this looks about to change Well, we'll see about that Oh, he's doing the he's fixing to cheat That true talent Come on now. You fellas know I always stick her straight That's a bunch of balls. You shut your big bazoo. I can see that card plain as day you Chiseled I don't want to slow us down. But I know a bazoo is look Where is that unlike the spectrum of swear words?
All right, I admit it. I did cheat Now what do you all aim to do about it?
You just shoot that guy. Well, why would you do we're just trying to play a friendly game here? What's wrong with you? No, now Talbot is everything. All right at home If you need a loan or something, we're all friends here T You can just talk to what now that you mention it I have been under quite a bit of stress at work lately and Jenny's taste don't come cheap Jenny better be a wine or Please oh good God-fearing Christians here. Yeah, and and somebody should definitely shoot Talbot, right? because he Bilks, he's a bilker Chisels built you said and oh We Cowboys hate that We should hang him up by his bootstraps No, he's neck and and have a gunfight Oh Come on this sucks the whole Wild West sucks you guys aren't doing any outlaw things and then your swears are all Weird and confusing. It's like none of you even want to have a shootout.
No, we don't we don't ever do that I'm your huckleberry Yes Yes, you okay. All right. Let's let's make this fair and put these away.
Where are you? Where are you from stranger? They call me kid, Massachusetts How crazy where from I'm from New York no way bossy I've been there it's like really really nice in the song drop Oh The guns here suck bill.
Oh, we just shot up wholesaling full people How we're cowboy we all be in the history books Hey Hey may bepperson I direct some of the crack calm sketches that you're watching or may have just watched Thanks for coming to our channel You should click on one of these buttons because they make you subscribe and you get to watch more and that's cool Cuz you're cool. We're cool. It's a symbiotic relationship like that YouTube internet tumblr internet sketches subscribe |
dropout | hardly_working_five_fingers_of_death | Hey, uh, oh wait, do you know karate? Yeah, I bet why. Well, I've been having some problems with bullies around here, and I thought maybe it would help if I knew some cool self-defense maneuvers.
Okay, Pat, well, your number one response is always gonna be just to walk away. Ah. Now your number two response is gonna be that hard-exploding death touch technique, a skill as forbidden as it is evil. I want that one. Okay, well, I can't tell you that one, obviously, because I just said it was forbidden and evil, and, oh, I can't say no to those puppy dog eyes! Alright, uh, let's see if I still know how to do this.
Ahhhhhh!
Now, you feel that death sensation there? No, I don't.
Are you sure you know karate? Uh, does the University of Phoenix online have the authority to issue red belts? Then yes, sensei, I know karate.
You must not be doing your part, right? My part.
Yeah, you really gotta, like, come at me like you're gonna attack me. Like, grab my collar. That's not how I would attack you. Well, just grab the collar for this amount.
No, hoist it. Hoist it? Yeah, hoist the collar.
Fuck you! Fuck me! Fuck you!
Okay, now you're gonna want to kill my master. Okay, done. Okay, now I'm gonna challenge you in a blind rage. We're gonna have a harrowing martial arts battle at the end of which I spare your miserable life. Uh-huh. Then as I turn to go, you dishonorably try to stab me in the back. I got it. And then simply, you just- Forgive me, Master Fu.
Yeah, it's still, it still didn't work. Dude, it should totally freakin' work.
Are you hoisting my collar? I don't know. Are you holding up your end of this? Are you hoisting my collar? I think so!
Okay, grab it. Now hoist it. Okay. Now put some real hoist into it. Okay. All right, now let's take this again. Come on.
Uh, red lotus, cowards, bow to your true master. Dude, I bit my freaking tongue that time, I think. Oh! Are you freaking even hoisting? Yes, I am. Look, Owen, you clearly don't know what you're doing.
Okay, all right, all right. Maybe I'm just not in the right head space for this right now. I just- Can you give me three minutes? Fine.
Your master is dead. Your dojo is my bones and ashes. Master Fu.
So, uh, whenever you're ready. So- No. Oh, dude, your stance is off. Oh, thanks. |
cracked | after_hours_why_disney_princes_are_bad_role_models_for_boys_aladdin_beauty_and_the_beast | Is it so wrong to want a little buddy to hang out with you all the time? The animal sidekicks and Disney movies are the best part. I don't know. I feel like I'd want my alone time and I wouldn't know how to ask them to whisper. Well, you guys are like my sidekicks and that's working out great.
Sorry I'm late you guys. I had to finish making an apology statue. This is for you. And again, I am very sorry that I insulted the tater tots here. I don't forgive you. I was sure that would work. Why?
Prince Eric had a giant apology statue. Uh, no. He got a birthday statue and he hated it because a big giant statue of himself wasn't the birthday present he wanted. It's uh, it's really something. I thought him not liking it made him humble. Someone makes you a giant statue of yourself. You say thank you and take it. You don't act like a spoiled brat.
Still the best disciplines though. What? Yeah, I thought that was a common knowledge. Ask anyone. Ask those guys.
Prince Eric is really nice. He treats her well. He takes her on carriage rides. His kingdom is pretty happy. And before Ursula put that curse on him that made him get distracted by singing, he was pretty great.
He was only attracted to her body. He saw her naked on the beach and was like, ooh, come on naked lady.
Come on back. I'll take you home. That'll be chill.
He didn't make any real effort to find out if she had any other means of communication. I mean, we know she can write, but did he consider any other means of communication with her? No. Probably because he didn't give a f*** about what she had to say. To be fair, what was he supposed to do? Just leave her there? Yeah, I've never been in that situation so I don't know. I do agree with Yasmin. He is not a good prince.
I mean, at their wedding he made her eat her ocean fish friends. In fact, he kept doing that through the whole entire movie. Having lived on a boat, I never ate my fish friends. I only ate my fish enemies.
Um, yeah. And she saved his life and he didn't recognize her face, okay? I mean, it wasn't even that long ago, dude. What the hell, Eric? Her face was like right in your face. Yeah, and he's super easily manipulated. He just bounces over to that brunette who's singing all the goddamn time, which makes her insufferable.
And then he's like, I love you. Let's fall in love and get married now.
Fine, sorry. I thought it was accepted that Eric was the best prince. I didn't realize I was behind on the ruling for most f***able cartoon royal boy. Okay, you want to talk best prince? I did.
Aladdin, baby. Okay, he takes her around the world. He uses a bunch of genie wishers on her. And he is so charming.
One jump ahead of the red line. One swing ahead of the sword.
I steal only what I can't afford. Ah, yes, his charming song about stealing.
Not so charming once you think about it. Well, then, I choose not to think about it. He wasn't charming at all. He was gaslighting everyone. He magics his way into becoming a prince.
When he could have just said, hey, I'm that guy who you bonded with when I pretended that you were my sister, so your hand didn't get cut off. You know this girl? Sadly, yes. She is my sister. Remember that? You liked it.
Why didn't Jasmine recognize him either? I mean, it's not like his giant prince outfit changed his face or his voice or whatnot. How could people have such poor facial recognition in Disney movies? I never thought about it like that.
He uses his first wish to try to force her to fall in love with him. There's this girl. And prom! He just met her. He has no intention of getting to know her. But he wants to mind control her?
Yeah, he totally would have too. But genie was like, I can't grant that wish. No, no. Jasmine, he was so charming though. One chump ahead of the red line. He's just using an entire population to become a political figure just so he can hook up with Jasmine.
She doesn't even want to marry a prince. She wants to get married on her own terms.
For love, like Beast. He's all about love. The Beast who kidnapped Mel and locked her up in a tower so she would fall in love with him? And he was known as a terrible leader even before he got turned into a Beast. I mean, it's not like he was taking ruling classes during his Beast period. The Beast period. What, isn't he like a Beast my dog?
For his BMS. It's his Beast Menstrual Syndrome. Does the P in PMS stand for person?
And he blew up all the time. That dude was a live wire. He was growling and slamming his Beast paws all the time.
Why doesn't she hear you? That hurt. I thought I told you to come down to dinner. Realize what you could have done. I'm not hungry. Go ahead and start! Calm the f*** down, Beast. I guess.
But he did want love. He didn't want love. He needed love to turn back into a person. It was wanting love for selfish reasons.
Fine. Beast would be a bad lover. Oh, don't say lover.
Who are you, John Mayer? There's got to be a good prince. What about the prince from Cinderella? Prince Charming. That was his name, right?
You mean the guy who tried to find a woman with her shoe? A shoe's not a fingerprint. That shoe probably fit many women. I mean, if you study her feet, they were very average. Why weren't you studying her feet before this conversation?
Yeah, Prince Charming is bad. He was going to marry the first chick whose shoe size was right. Which, Cody? Six, five and a half, six.
And he didn't recognize her face. Okay, they spent the whole damn evening dancing together, just looking directly into each other's face. Even if they talked a lot, he just, poof, forgot any information that she gave him or anything she said. She didn't even know that he was a prince, so he didn't introduce himself.
His name is Prince Charming. It's right there in the name. Get it together, guy. Yes. Who names their kid Prince Charming? I mean, what if he grows up and he is not charming at all? Because then his joke of a name is a reminder in every social situation that he is terrible and uncomfortable. But he wakes up every morning and he looks in the mirror and he's like, You will never live up to your name. I love that so much.
What about Naveen from The Princess and the Frog? No! He was just a spoiled brat who wanted to marry rich because his parents cut him off. He was snooty and gross. Besides being unbelievably handsome, I also happen to come from a fabulously wealthy family. She had to solve all his problems because she was under a random spell. But in the end, he becomes really nice and then Tiana and him fall in love. Yeah, but instead of ruling his kingdom, he and Tiana open a restaurant. Great, so are there no good princes? Li Shang from Mulan.
He seems super chill. Oh yeah, it took him a second to come around to the fact that his girlfriend was a badass, but he did. And he accepted her and loved her for her personality when she was a dude and a girl. And he pushed her to better herself and they were friends and... He was a captain, not a prince.
He was a motherf***ing prince! And he was really nice. He didn't even eat other animals. Okay, well, just bugs. He was like a pescatarian in Jungle terms. Slimy? Yeah, satisfied. Ah! He was a genuinely nice guy. And he recognized faces! Yeah, but he also abandoned his kingdom to go live in the jungle and forget all his worries. And... His cares. He was a teenager! Let him live! When push come the shove, he came back to the kingdom and did what he needed to do. Well, wouldn't he be hooking up with a ton of other lionesses? That's an assumption. From what we saw, he only had eyes for Noah.
So a lion is the best Disney prince. If my options are Eric, guy who doesn't want his woman to talk, Carmen, guy who doesn't remember women's faces, Aladdin, guy who gaslights you and doesn't have nipples, and Beast, guy who kidnaps you and forces you to fall in love... Yeah, sign me up for the lion. Yeah, I'll go with the lion.
Me too. Alright, me too.
Are these still frozen? Which I love! Yum! Mmm! Frozen! Yummy!
Let it go! Like frozen, let it go!
You know, okay, so it is thematically relevant to a thing we are talking about, but you were not here for that, so I do not know why I am bringing it up. Um, maybe, maybe I just wanted to do a little song for you. You see that? She accepts my apology. She's on her way to accepting your apology. What?
No, you do not take... You do not take an apology statue if you do not mean it. Sometimes you take an apology statue without meaning it.
Well, she took it, so I win. How much time did he spend on that thing? It had bangs, I could see the bangs. Yeah, I used a fusilli for her hair, and then I used some elbow macaronis for her body. What do you use for her feet? Cody. |
TheOnion | Was_LeBron_Too_Hard_On_His_Teammates_When_He_Called_Them_Shitheads_Who_Should_Quit_Basketball | Welcome back, my shimmering sweaty stallions. The NBA playoffs are almost here, and for the first time in nearly 15 years, LeBron James will be watching the festivities from home.
And while a lack of supporting talent appears to be the most likely culprit, some fans are blaming King James himself for putting undue pressure on such an inexperienced squad, which leads me to wonder, was LeBron too hard on his Laker teammates when he called them a bunch of dumbass shitheads who should quit basketball? Listen, I value strong leadership, but is shoving Lonzo Ball off the court mid-possession and telling him he shouldn't even try because he's never gonna be good enough really necessary? Probably not. There's a fine line between bullying and motivation, and the last thing a young player needs is a future Hall of Famer like James instructing him to pull his car into the garage, shut the door, and keep it running. In fact, there's talk behind the scenes that several of his fellow Lakers aren't too happy about being called no talent shitbags who couldn't crack a roster in Latvia. I mean, it definitely hurts team chemistry when your captain's on record saying the team would be better off if you were never born. I know, he wants to win, but calling Rajon Rondo a washed up fuck stick who can't shoot for shit seems a little harsh. It's one thing to say these things behind closed doors, but in front of their kids and family, that's just too far. Easy as it may be to dismiss the non-LeBron Lakers as a bunch of hapless ass clowns, we must remember that these are still real human beings with real feelings, hopes, and dreams. They aren't playthings that LeBron can just grab by the ankles and dangle from the top of the Staples Center, asking them to give them one good reason not to let go. The bottom line is you catch more flies with honey than you do with threatening to travel back in time and rip off their dad's dick. And frankly, these outbursts are beneath what I've come to expect from LeBron after all these years.
If you want to be the greatest, you have to be patient. Then again, Michael Jordan did bury Bill Cartwright alive that one time, so what do I know? All right, coming up next, we're talking Final Four. Is this year's Michigan State team the best that Tom Izzo has ever verbally abused? |
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