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ClickHole | makeup_tutorial_make_your_hair_a_problem_for_richard_dreyfuss_in_two_minutes | Hi guys, it's me, Shayna, back with another hair and makeup tutorial.
So we all know mornings are a crunch.
You're brushing your teeth, feeding the dog, you're running out the door, and you just don't have time to make your hair a fucking disaster for a claimed actor, Richard Dreyfuss. Today I'm going to show you guys a super useful trick to make your hair a problem for Richard Dreyfuss in under two minutes. Let's go! Now you're going to want to start off by peppering your hair with powder from the graveyard. What that's going to do is give your hair a really rough texture that'll allow you to fuck shit up for Richard Dreyfuss in a big and permanent way. Looking fierce. Alright, before you do anything else, write a letter to Richard Dreyfuss letting him know about the problem your hair is becoming for him. Now let's throw together a quick messy bun. I love the messy bun because it's so simple and cute, and it's the perfect place to stuff Richard Dreyfuss' driver's license, his house keys, and his SAG card, which is really the secret to transforming this look from casual cute to Dreyfuss' nightmare. Now that you're sure you're happy with the look so far, tape a picture of Richard Dreyfuss to your face, and go stand in front of your house.
Looks good! So this step is a little tricky, so pay attention.
You're going to take hot tar and pour it over your hair. Then let it cool and harden into a problem prison for Dreyfuss' items. That can take a little while, but luckily this look can totally dry on the go. Either way, Richard Dreyfuss is fucked for sure, and it's all because your hair was a problem.
All that's left is a sign, and voila! You've got that fun, messy problem look that's a private Golgotha for Richard Dreyfuss.
Thanks for watching, and please remember to like and subscribe. Ciao! |
cracked | game_of_thrones_season_5_trailer_cracked_responds | Game of Thrones trailer. You guys see it? I've legitimately never seen it.
Oh, I watched it. None of us will matter to you. I was lying. I watched it.
Now according to a very reputable side of a bust that I saw, Yeah, Peter Dinklage runs afoul of a dragon on a foggy night. Oh, yeah in the Game of Thrones. So that's what I'm looking for more information on that when we watch this trailer. It's exciting because I as someone who's read the books This is the trailer show like stuff that has not happened in the books So I get to watch this and actually be surprised by the show. Or they've already novelized this? That's crazy and fascinating. Spoilers. Lannister, Aratheon, Stark.
Yeah, we know. We're aware. Tyrell. Them too. We know all four.
There were two spokes on a wheel. This one's on top, then that one's on top. Another asshole kid.
That's good. All these people look alike to me. It looks like there's gonna be sex this season. Did you say that because of something in the trailer or that's just goes without saying? Well, I think that's the basic deal of the show. Some minor making out.
I'm going to break the wheel. Daenerys Sargerian. I don't know if it's the the writing or the acting but just the worst lines. She's she's the only like I'm going to break the wheel. It's just a god-awful thing to say.
At least I could understand that. Yeah. She's really hard to decipher sometimes. All fantasy is the same, man. Wheel, wheel of time, circular like a ring. Dragons. Lost. Yeah. That island was completely circular. Circular. Halo. Is that dragon like going to tie into this?
Well, yeah, according to the very revenue of both sides. The dragons will be fully grown. Winter is coming. We know what's going on. Winter has been coming for a long time.
I know. They keep saying it. Am I getting that part right? Adam, that's a great question.
They are not standard seasons. They last as long as they need to last. Because there's a tilted axis. Oh, a winter could last years and they have not had a winter for a long time.
And the gods demand justice. Have you seen the show? The gods don't really demand justice. Justice is not often the rule of the day.
Who are these gold-faced monsters? Like in that. Oh, they're the monsters just because they're what? Tell us everything. Their faces look different than yours.
They're in the fighting pits of mine. This is clearly page 250. Fighting pits were a long time. Shit, there's no one left to hide.
Well, this lady's not even interested in the only cool thing that's going on. What's off frame to the right that's more interesting than a scorpion bucket whip head show? I feel like that scorpion is the least of his problems right now. Right. I don't know if it's buried. The scorpion's in the wrong place. You can't see it.
He's like, oh good, the bucket's gone. And to whip it off, she's like, and whip snow less? Like in addition to that?
Like I'm scared. I'm buried alive. I'm already scared.
You don't have to add more things. It's always sad when an actor has to go switch to the winter climate, probably. Right? To then go shoot in that area for the next six months instead of, oh, I thought I stayed in the temperate zone. No. My character goes to the snow. Okay. Right.
Do you guys think that psychic kid will end up being able to control a dragon? Is that clearly inevitable to anyone else? It has not been addressed. That's what everyone suspects because the three-eyed raven, who was that tree monster that he met at the end of the night? Sure. Well, it's the classic rule of three's progression too.
You can control a crow. You can control a mentally challenged man. You can control a dragon.
Like that's been done in so many fantasy novels. What do we think this season is going to be about based on this trailer?
Eating dragons.
The four families. I hope that sets a trend. I wish all shows opened their trailers like that, like the season premiere of Cheers trailer, which is like Frasier. Rhea Perlman's character. When's that coming back on? I think it's going to be about pointedly distancing itself from whatever happens in the books and rendering all of your knowledge. Useless. Because I think that's the big interesting thing is that they're willing to start differentiating more and more. And to me, it looks like they're just switching over to the Wheel of Time series.
So you haven't mentioned that. Have you read those books? No, I've not read those books because I'm not a f***ing nerd.
So then that will give you your landing probably. What's going to happen? Well, this is what I love about the internet is boom, random shots of characters that will appear in the season. Now people on the internet know everything that's going to happen.
Like someone can go like in the background of that frame. You see this artifact based on the book. Boom, done. Like they can tell you. Hey gang, thanks so much for watching another Cracked Response. And if you're a nerd like Daniel who evaporated in a puff of nerd. Go into the comments and please painstakingly detail all the ways in which the books differ from the show.
Let's make this season rough, Dan. Well, I'm working on like a Lion King one and a half type screenplay for Game of Thrones that's going to play in that middle area between the show and the books. And I'm building a dragon. So together... I think we can take him down. Yeah, so then I said a Vintner is coming. |
SaturdayNightLive | blue_bunny_snl | Okay, cutie pies. we're ready to get started. well, maybe a little more flirtatious of an intro than we need, but so good. Hi, gang. thanks for coming out to this focus group. we are from Blue Bunny Ice Cream, and we've got some new products that we'd love your feedback on. like bomb pops? No, sir. no, no bomb pops today. Ooh, I love bomb pops. Again, no bee pops, but I do think you'll find our other treats, the ice cream of the crop. no offense, but I signed up to try ice cream not to hear jokes about it. can we get the tasting?
Okay, I'm sorry. hey, those two are just trying to do their jobs. they got to tell a joke or two, let them. who's there, dance? not yours. oh, oh, I'm sorry. do you two know each other? no, ma'am. just here to try some ice cream, get my chicken, be on my way. same here. same here. I came in a stranger. I'll leave one as well. Okay, very fun.
Well, the first flavor we're going to try today is peanut Brittle pie ice cream. so give those a try. And Jacob, how about you go first? what do you think? Oh, wow. this delicious. great. Okay. what about you, Lisa? tastes a little wet, but yummy. Noted. Bobby, what do you think? you know what this tastes like? You remember when you was a kid and you'd be out playing in all the dirty buckets like a hog? and Papi'd call you to wash up because Nan had spent the last three hours churning? That woman had churned till she wept. the blood from her palms laced, and the caramel ribbons of the ice cream. this is that. this tastes like that. Okay. thank you. very descriptive.
You tryna make a grown man weak, miss. No. I'm just eating ice cream, sir. Okay. what about you, mutton? what'd you think of the peanut brittle pie? it's, uh, how do I say this?
Remember when you'd be down by the pond all day with your hands cut, trying to catch just one stupid little tadpole? It didn't mean nothing today, but back then, for the hell, that tad was king crab.
And then Scooter's mama, the one with the pretty teeth and eyes like butter, would invite you inside for a whole bowl of rocky road. didn't matter the flavor, though. it was just that a beautiful, mature woman had opened her door to you, arms wide, bosom heavy. This is that. this tastes like that. Okay. so it tastes like Scooter's mama? writing that down? you've seen things, haven't you? Huh. only ice cream, miss. hey, I just taste ice cream. am I doing this wrong? No. yeah. guys, we're not really looking to taste memories of the dust bowl here. your ice cream carries a weight to it, Sir. She's right. I can taste generations of women in it.
Okay. I will not be writing that down.
How about this one? Galactic Mint Frost. Why don't you guys give that one a taste, Yeah? yeah. Bobby, you tasting that fresh mint in there?
No. it tastes more like wind. like the wind when you hadn't quite reached five feet tall. wind back then would knock you right into the neighbor. the one that had lost his wife and daughter in the hospital fire. And in your eyes, he saw them both. So you'd sit with them on his porch, watch the world go by. right as the sun went down, he'd hand you a bowl of cream. just vanilla, though, He kept it simple since the girls had died. this is that. this tastes like that. got it. So it tastes like a widower in pain.
Who hurt you? Why? you looking to save someone tonight? Maybe. eat your ice cream. I'm sorry. What is happening? You want to know what I taste?
Yes, but in, like, six words this time. fine. Remember 4th of July.
Okay. please stop. the air was so thick with smoke, you could barely find your little brother's hand. Daddy let you both stay out late as long as you kept your little brother close. never did find him. walked home alone, went straight to the icebox, scooped out some chocolate chip. nothing too fancy on the night. brother disappeared. this is that. this tastes like that. damn it.
I can't take your pain away, but I can sure give it a bed to rest in. let me nap with your hurt. you want to nap with my hurt? I said as much. let me nap with your hurt. go say something like that and you might just end up taking a nap with my hurt. All right. Well, thanks for coming out, everybody. hear me now. I will always come for you. What took you so long? Blue Bunny ice cream. Let me nap with your hurt. |
cracked | licking_swayze_and_water_news_on_cracked_3_10_08 | It's Monday, March 10, 2008, and this is the News Uncracked. I'm Lex Friedman, if I'm not mistaken. Over the weekend, the President and the Pentagon honored America's last surviving World War I veteran, Frank Woodruff Buckles. He's 107 years old, but he was just 15 when he joined the U.S. Army back in 1917. At a celebratory dinner, when asked by the President about his experiences, Buckles replied, He then urinated in his pants, as did the President. I don't know why the President was urinating in Buckles' pants, but I think it's a ceremony thing.
Despite being diagnosed with cancer, actor Patrick Swayze insists he will continue with his projects. Swayze said his recent ill health will in no way interrupt his busy schedule of sitting around on his ass and earning point-break residuals.
A new study shows that America's drinking water supply has evidence of prescription pharmaceutical drugs. Reached for comment, these guys said, there goes our entire business model. And in today's blast from the past, a feature where we remember those news stories of yesteryear, the News Uncracked would like to remind you that the cheating New England Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Ha, ha, ha. And finally, Florida Democrats are considering a mail-in redo for their presidential primary. Hillary's nervous about the envelope-driven process. She's just not used to situations where mail's getting licked as a good thing for her. That's it for today's edition of the News Uncracked. Check back Wednesday if you know what's good for you, namely eight cups of water a day. |
dropout | you_re_too_sad_to_argue_with_hardly_working | Rekha, is everything okay? Um, I'm fine. I'm totally fine.
Oh my god. What's going on? I had the worst week. I mean, my dad's been really, really sick, and I just found out that my dog is dying too. I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I'm going to be okay, but it just sucks because I know my dad's going to heaven, but Rex is going to dog heaven, and they're just never going to see each other, and that's what's really sad.
Yeah. I can see how the thought of that happening would make one sad. And sure, on Halloween, all our souls will reconvene here on Earth, and we'll see each other again, but I don't know. That's only once a year, you know? That's not enough. Oh god, I'm upsetting you with all this emotion. No, not at all. Some of your beliefs are unfamiliar to me, but I can also see that you're extremely sad right now, so I won't do what I would normally do if someone said something like that.
It's just I wish I could use my god wish to turn Rex into a human and send him to human heaven, but I can't. I'm sorry, your god wish? Yeah, the wish god grants you when you go to heaven. What religion does that... It just sucks, you know, that you only get one god wish, and I have to use mine on something else. I think if god can grant wishes, probably god could grant more than one.
Don't be insane, Brennan. There are infinite people in the world. God can't grant more than one infinity of wishes. First of all, none of that's obvious. Second of all, there aren't infinite people. Third of all, you're making metaphysical claims that you don't have any way to back up, and fourth, why wouldn't you use your one god wish to save your dog?
Last week, my brother was killed in a hit and run.
Oh my god. I am so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
Everyone knows when you die on the road, you go to car heaven. Car heaven.
So I have to give him my god wish. Of course you do. That is a perfectly noble thing to use your god wish for. Thanks.
Only a pedantic, uncaring nerd would choose this moment to interrogate the fascinating knot of tangled dream logic surrounding your deeply held convictions. I was talking to my psychic, my medium, my astrologer, and my auger. Auger? Someone who defines the future from the flight patterns of birds. Naturally continuing. They all tell me that I can use crystal magic to cure my dad's cancer.
And I'm like, that's insane. Yeah, yeah. That's insane! Yeah. Right? And that's crazy.
Hello, cancer is a living organism. You can't use crystal magic to destroy life. Swing and a miss.
I just wish I could do something, you know? But if I use any more of my the secret powers, I have to give my firstborn to Ahura Mazda, God of Light. And I just don't think I'm ready to start a family right now, you know? I do know. Man, I mean, thankfully the ghost in my house died, so I can at least get some sleep. I just feel hopeless. I don't know. Do you have anything you believe that helps you get through times when you don't think you can carry on? Sure, yeah. I don't know that I believe in anything supernatural, but I believe that, you know, every day you wake up and you have a chance to be kind. In a way, the actions we take in life live on long after us, and I guess I get strength from thinking that the things I do maybe leave the world a brighter, kinder place than it was when I found it.
Thanks, Brennan. I needed that. Anytime. Crazy. |
dropout | bilbo_gets_trolled | From Asimov to Asimov, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us today, we have Matt Kirshin.
Hey! Becca Scott. Hello! And Amy Vorpahl. Hi!
I have here a stack of statements. These are false statements about franchises that you love or that somebody loves, and it's up to you to find the thing that I've said wrong and correct me. There's only two rules. You must proceed all your corrections with Um, Actually. You don't say Um, Actually. You won't get a point.
And secondly, you can interrupt me whenever you want. You don't have to wait for me to finish.
Um, Actually. Okay, cool. Yeah. Got it. You got it.
How often do people end up on zero points? A couple times. It happens. Don't worry. It's still shameful.
Yeah. All right. Well, let's jump into it with our first question here, which is about Harry Potter. Yes! The puny, worm-tailed, patch-footed prongs are the aliases of the Marauders, a group of four animajai who attended Hogwarts as members of House Gryffindor years prior to the birth of Harry Potter. Ooh! I'm actually... All right. What was that about?
Um, Actually, they're not all four animajai. Can you be more specific? Um, animajai are specifically magicians who are wizards and witches who can animate things or turn things from transformation people.
Uh, yeah, that's, yeah, you're mad. One of them is a werewolf. That's correct. That's what we're going for here. Three of them are animajai, which are witches and wizards who can turn into animals, but one is a werewolf who turns into an animal, not of his own accord. That's what we're going for. Oh, fuck me. Oh, I'm actually... I'm his werewolf! What is an animajai? Um, yeah. I mean, that's good.
Yes! Wait! No! I can't accept! Oh, actually, god damn it! Oh, no!
Oh, my goodness. Matt, I feel for you. What a roller coaster. In my heart, I gave Matt a point. Does that count? That might be the only thing I get right. A liposome. And I don't get the point for it. I get it. Unfortunately, there is really only one rule that I need to struggle to keep straight myself, and so we have to abide by it, so that is a point for Becca, but perhaps a point in all our hearts to Matt. I feel a little bit bad. No, you don't. I know. All right. Well, we will move right along here to question two.
This is about The Hobbit. Bilbo and his companions escape from a group of fearsome trolls named Tom, Bert, and William when Gandalf appears the last minute and turns them all to stone. Um, actually, the sun turns them to stone. That's correct. Gandalf himself doesn't turn them to stone. He just distracts them long enough for the sun to rise and it's the sun that turns them into stone.
That's correct. Thank you. There you go. Yeah, not contested!
Do you remember it from the movie or the book? The book. Definitely the book.
Yeah, a hundred percent. Like, I watched all three movies and I did like them. Sorry. The hundred ones?
Yeah, I did like them. I mean, they're kind of cool. They're charming and fun.
Sure. You know?
But no. That was a very condescending short. Well, one short novella turned into three feature films.
That is a point for Amy there. Well done. Thank you. Deserved. Becca has decreed that Amy deserves her point. I do declare. The point thief has said that.
This is about Game of Thrones. Although the bulk of Arya Stark's training in the art of killing was done with the Faceless Men of Braavos, her first fighting instructor was Ceary O'Farrell, the water dancer whose death she has yet to avenge.
Um, actually, she already avenged that death. She did.
Uh, can you be, uh, not that you have to be, but can you be specific?
I'm gonna guess it was probably Maren Trent. It was Maren Trent, yes. She avenged, she's never the killing of Maren Trent.
I wanted, like, top of my expertise list right there. It's just reciting Arya's kill list to yourself as you go to sleep every night.
I sure do. Do you know who she has left? Very few. Yeah, seriously. Yeah. There's probably a few that weren't, like, important enough to be put on screen, like someone served a cold food on the way to somewhere, or you jumped in front. Well, uh, that is another point for Becca.
Deserved. Good job. Deserved. A deserved point.
This is about The Walking Dead. Negan, the leader of the Saviors and a brutal sociopath, kills Glenn and Abraham as retribution for the death of his soldiers with a barbed wire-wrapped baseball bat named Lucille after his dead wife.
Yeah. Matt. Um, actually, he only kills one of them as retribution for death of his soldiers. That's correct.
Do you remember why he killed the other? Was it trying to escape? It was not.
He kills Abraham for retribution. He kills Glenn because Daryl lashed out at it.
I only am aware of it from the show, and I got to, like, a couple of seasons in, and I was like, yeah, this is, I think I'm developing heart palpitations. Yeah. Like, I don't know. That didn't fit too much for me. I know that one did it. That might have been. It was The Walking Dead. I mean, like, I am a nervous person, and that doesn't help any of, like, my psychosis. Yeah.
That, then, is a point for Matt. So we have one for Matt, one for Amy, two for Becca. Good job, Matt. Deserved.
And we will move on to our first shiny question. Shiny questions, just like shiny Pokemon, are pretty much exactly the same. They're just a little bit different and a little bit rarer.
Now, this is a game called Order Up. Please place these dragons in order from the most to least powerful. First person to have the correct order will get the point. For me, this is just roll some dice and see if you land on the right number. Order up.
Yes, Becca, you are buzzing in. I want to interject here and say that I actually, as much as I might not win this, I am very happy that these are all dragons and not wyverns. Please, what do you take us for? We'll be mixing worms and wyverns. It's insane.
All right, so. The white one? Black, red, green, blue. Incorrect. Okay. Matt.
Okay, I've gone Scary Dragon, Sporty Dragon, Posh Dragon, oh, that's Ginger, Posh, and who have I missed out? Baby. Baby Dragon.
That is incorrect. Amy, what have we got for us here? Okay, I've got white in the lead with green, black, blue, and then red following. That is incorrect. The correct answer from most to least powerful is red, blue, green, black, and white. Who would have ever loved that? It's almost like Taekwondo belts except the blacks are the wrong thing.
Here's the thing, I should have gotten this right, but do you know that you don't want to give them a dragon? Like I haven't looked at dragons. If you're a DM, you don't want to give your players a dragon. You're like, oh yeah, you want to play dungeon dragons?
Take this other monster. Yeah. Take this cloud giant, you know? Like anything. Dragons two on the nose. Yeah, exactly.
Like I don't know, I don't remember the last time I fought a dragon as a player or gave a dragon to the players as a DM. Yeah, I play as a dungeon.
Oh yeah, two on the nose. And that's it for this episode of Um, Actually. Um, Actually, it's not.
There's way more of this episode over on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
I'll be right here. Well, I'll be over there. I mean, I'll be in both places at once, um, uh, because this is just, there's more technology.
This is a little game called Name That Wizard. Just you write in and name as many of the wizards as you can. |
dropout | people_believe_crazy_things_about_celebrities_prank_news_network | Hi! We're here on the world-famous Hollywood Walk of Fame to prove people will believe anything you say if you look like a newscaster and are holding a microphone.
I don't know if you've heard the buzz about the new action film coming out from Michael Bay called Explosion. It's actually going to be one large explosion shot from different angles for 90 minutes. What is your take on that? Wow. I think every art, you know, everyone has a vision of what art is. That is his vision. 90 minute explosion. But every part of the explosion will be from a different perspective. There's some fast motion, there's some slow motion, and then there's some regular motion explosions. They're doing it from different camera angles. 90 minutes will never be about that.
I'll see it on Ule.
Would you give it a chance? No. Ariana Grande has actually changed her name from Ariana Grande to Ariana Venti. She's wanting to do it to represent her growth as an artist in her career. Starbucks actually just got wind of it and now they are suing her on the grounds of copyright infringement. What is your thought on that? I think it's a very courageous move on her part. Do you think Ariana Grande has done something wrong in changing her name to Ariana Venti? He, if she did something wrong, has the right to sue him.
He's from Princeton. I don't know. I have no idea. What about you? I just think it's a free country, right?
I'm down for Ariana Grande in this one. Nice. I don't know if you've heard the rumors about the new James Bond movie coming out. The director's wanting to put a fresh new spin on whoever is playing James Bond and there's a couple people up for that role including Justin Bieber, Donald Trump, Jerry Seinfeld, Arsenio Hall and actually even trying to do a female version as Whoopi Goldberg. Who would you pick if you had to pick one of those three? I would just be interested to see how Jerry Seinfeld would do James Bond. Jerry Seinfeld. I think that's my pick too.
Taylor Swift wrote an open letter to Apple to their new streaming service. Okay, yeah, changing the way that they pay their artist. She then wrote an open letter to a Brooklyn deli informing them of her shellfish allergy and they actually removed the lobster roll from their menu.
It's really good that she's trying to do something to actually help people. I think if she's using her her famousness to better society then that's great.
A lot of the restaurants don't pay attention enough to food regulations. I mean even my boyfriend, he's allergic to like chicken, like the weirdest, some of the weirdest stuff. I actually want to try the lobster roll but I don't know if they've been canceled already. Yeah, well I mean you can't go to the Brooklyn deli anymore. I think it's amazing that Taylor Swift is fighting for the little people. |
SaturdayNightLive | prose_and_cons_snl | Robbins, Sheldon, Krantz, Meisel, all popular fiction writers. all of them sprang from the prestigious educational institutions that have been the backbone of American literature. where are tomorrow's Hemingways and Faulkner's coming from? prisms. I think that most of today's writers are coming from the straining, compacted bowels of that beast we call the American Penal System. These men have lived, they've suffered, they've maimed, they've killed. they've written some stunning books. without a doubt, anything by a prisoner is an automatic bestseller. I tell aspiring writers, if you commit a crime, we'll talk. In Prison, Warden Carl Hontigo. Ah, you can talk Leavenworth, you can talk Attica. you can even talk Folsom. But none of them, none of them has the sterling literary tradition we have here at Rockwell. Bobby Glover is serving up to 20 years for cutting up his fiancee with a linonium knife. Come into High Court. the narrow restrictions of the former have led me to an imagistic freedom. our cameras are there when one prisoner is caught in an act of plagiarism. Here, the prisoners keep in touch with the outside world. each year, Rockland sponsors a poetry festival. Tyrone Green is this year's winner. images by Tyrone Green. dark and lonely on the summer night.
Kill my Landlord. Kill my Landlord. watch dog Bocky. do he fight? Kill my Landlord. Kill my landlord. flip in his window. break his neck. then his house I start to wreck. got no reason. What the heck? Kill my Landlord. C-i-l-l. My Landlord.
Dostoyevsky said, the degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons. as someone else said, if Shakespeare were alive today, he'd be doing time. |
dropout | shampoo_for_your_butthole | Hey guys, can I ask you a question? Yeah man, shoot.
You ever feel dirty, you know, down there? You mean your crotch? No, the backside. I used to, but not anymore. What do you use, a bar of soap? Ew, no. I would never use something down there and then use it on the rest of my body. Okay, then what about body gel? Oh no, too expensive. And besides, I'm not ruining my loofah.
Story of my life. Then what's your secret?
I use red eye shampoo for your butthole. Red eye? Shampoo for your butthole? It's the only affordable and effective tool on the market for thoroughly cleaning your chocolate starfish. Sounds great, but how does it work? Well Carl, imagine this bagel filled with Nutella is your filthy balloon knot. Just take a generous handful of red eye shampoo for your butthole and your rusty hand flower will be as clean as a whistle.
Toot toot! His leather cheerio is now clean enough to eat off of. That is clean. Your wings, boys? Not quite yet. First I gotta go clean my backpussy. But wait, why don't you just use regular shampoo? Carl, I think you should leave. Yeah. Red eye shampoo for your butthole. Available at Bob's Lotion Mart. What an asshole! |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_the_thing | The Thing John Carpenter's 1982 sci-fi horror classic about screaming in Antarctica is a masterclass in suspense and special effects. Here are some behind-the-scenes trivia that will change the way you watch The Thing forever. Many people don't realize that John Carpenter's The Thing is actually a remake of 1951's The Thing from Another World, which was itself an adaptation of the 1938 novella Who Goes There, which came from the imagination of John W. Campbell Jr., who was a combination of Dorothy and John Campbell Sr.'s DNA, which was the result of eons upon eons of evolution.
Kurt Russell has said that he felt drawn to the role of Mack, since a stray dog once ate all 12 of his roommates, too. Special effects guru Rob Bottin designed the film's unforgettable transformation sequences, in which the alien kills and imitates members of the research team. The terrifying effects still hold up today, according to Pope Francis. Working seven days a week for 57 weeks straight, Bottin created the creature effects with just a stapler and whatever cold cuts he had in the fridge at the time. This effect was achieved by using deer piss, maybe?
I don't know.
Through what was ultimately scrapped due to legal issues, Abba wrote an original theme for the movie, titled The Thing, The Thing, I Am Not The Thing, But Now I Am. The Thing is celebrated for its strong female characters, Mrs. Chess and Mrs. Contestant. One of the movie's biggest secrets makes it even scarier.
See this board game called Gribbit? A tarantula named Iglesias lives in there. Good luck falling asleep tonight.
This shot inspired Bill Gates to invent a computer you could bleed on, hence the debut of Microsoft Windows in 1985. Carpenter originally wanted the alien to wear this hat, but ultimately nixed the idea, worrying that it would make audiences love the creature and root for it to win instead of fear it. Ingeniously, he had Kurt Russell's character wear it instead, so viewers would root for the humans.
The rest is history. There you have it, folks. A few more reasons to love The Thing. Anybody who doesn't just might be an alien parasite. Thanks for watching! |
dropout | cop_talk | Welcome to Cop Talk, brought to you by the other guys. Listen up, we need your cooperation. Ross! We are doing a lot of property damage! We're here with the officer Charles D. Crescendo, retired, and we're gonna ask him some questions that you've always wanted to ask a cop, but we're probably too nervous because we thought you'd get arrested.
Charlie, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me.
Do you guys respect mall cops like at all? Sometimes they can escalate a problem if they don't train properly. The moment's positive none of them are trained properly. Trainer knows because he's caused many a ruckus at mall outside Spencer gifts. Can you arrest someone just for being stoned?
How do you tell?
I'm not a DRA, which is a drug recognition expert. I'm glad you said DRA, because it's nice to know there's a official term for what every stone person is terrified of when they're stoned.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, cool, a helicopter! Oh, yeah! Where'd you learn to drive like that? Grand Theft Auto!
Now, when you see those signs on the highway that say your speed is being monitored by aircraft, that can't be true, right? I don't think so. Did you ever get a ticket from a helicopter? No, I can't imagine that our tax dollars are flying planes around.
That would be awesome, though. Now, here's something that comes up a lot, I think, with Pat and a lot of Pat's friends. How much weed is enough for you to care? Enough. I mean, you know, like, let's say you pull Pat over. He's got two joints on him. Are you gonna take him down to the station for that? Yeah, you're just gonna take the joints. If I can smell it, I can see it. Come with me.
I spent a lot of time when I was about 13 or 14 saying that skateboarding wasn't a crime. Is it a crime?
No. Okay, I was right! See, Dad! You idiot! Dad's not gonna watch this, you know. I don't think he is. You're coming with me.
It's a wooden gun! Have you ever encountered a phony gun?
Not to me, but to someone else. Did it work?
He almost got shot. Why is public urination a crime, but if I pee my pants, not a crime? If Mr. Johnson's hanging out, you know, then you've got an issue, but if Mr. Johnson's inside, you can pee your pants all you want. Here's the situation, though. Pat is wearing very thin white shorts. And when the pee starts coming out, see-through. That's the call every cop dreads.
Do snitches really get stitches? That's the street. Did you ever get high on your own supply? Is that Biggie's rule number three or something? You've been studying up on the 10-track commandments. Just to clarify, a couple of joints.
Am I going downtown for that? Technically, you can go downtown for that. Technically, but you know.
Well, it depends on the officer. Charlie, I want to thank you so much for coming in today and for answering our questions. And most of all, for not recording any of the things we said here today. I'm Pat Castles. I'm Strewd your side down. And this has been Cop Talk. Now leave your gun in your badge and get out of my office! |
TheOnion | Highlights_Of_Melania_Trump_s_2016_RNC_Speech | It is my great honor to present the next First Lady of the United States, my wife and amazing mother and incredible woman, Melania Trump. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. You have all been very kind to Donald and me, to our young son Barron, and to our whole family. It's a very nice welcome, and we are excited to be with you at this historic convention. I'm so proud of your choice for President of the United States, my husband, Donald J. Trump.
From a young age, my parents impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life, that your word is your bond and you do what you say and keep your promise, that you treat people with respect. They thought and showed me values and morals in their daily life. That is a lesson that I continue to pass along to our son, and we need to pass those lessons on to the many generations to follow because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them. |
TheOnion | How_America_Can_Become_Less_Divided_By_Increasing_The_Number_Of_Murals_Of_People_Holding_Hands | With last year's ugly presidential election and the ongoing rash of protests across the country, there's one thing just about everyone can agree on. We're more divided than ever. So how did we get here?
Look no further than the lack of murals of people holding hands throughout the country. Sure, there are a few small pockets of America that already have a mural where a black kid and a white kid are holding hands.
But when you consider that only 5% of Americans pass a mural made by a third grade class every day, no wonder we're constantly at each other's throats. Are we really at a crossroads because trust in government is at an all-time low? Or because hundreds of American cities have gone years without seeing the word unity spelled out in rainbow colors across a bridge? The harsh truth is right in front of our faces. Millions of Americans go their entire lives only ever seeing murals of a giant pair of eyes with globes for pupils. To be blunt, that's simply not good enough.
Imagine that instead of going about our daily routines never considering our common humanity, we saw a painting made out of the palm prints of 50 children every time we walked outside. Or saw a mural where so many people are holding hands they wrap around the entire planet. Until then, we've got a lot of work to do. |
SaturdayNightLive | fully_naked_in_new_york_snl | Sometimes I can barely find the strength to get out of bed. the world feels so cold and dark and I can't put the past out of my head when I'm feeling all alone, can't make it on my own, and I seem so close to giving up when there's darkness all around and I'm feeling really down. There's just one thing in the world that can cheer me up.
Garbage truck.
Fully naked in the middle of New York City with my ass hanging out in the middle of Broadway doing hard work makes me feel alive. That's why I'm flinging black bags and only wearing gloves in case there's sharp stuff in the trash. And I've never been more free than when my big white ass is flapping in the breeze. This time of year. the days are getting shorter and I just feel like I could cry. And sometimes when no light is getting through and I'm feeling really blue, There's just one thing left that I can do. working all day on a construction site, fully naked in the middle of New York City, pouring concrete in the ground, eating lunch, spread eagle on a rusty Iv, bouncing as I move, a big pile of rubble in a wheelbarrow wearing only a helmet, getting sunburned on my ass. but my nipples are hard cause it's freezing cold, throwing the recycling in with the garbage, chasing as a traffic cop pulling leaves out of a sewer with my butt to the heavens, robbing my body on a bed bug mattress, taking off graffiti, and my chest is tickling squatting as I try to catch rats. Cause when the world has got you down, you can always turn your luck around if you just ride on the back of a garbage truck fully naked in the middle of New York City at 11am and I'm squishing my toes in a mystery liquid, working really hard in the middle of midtown helping make the city the best. And I've got wind burning on my cheeks, But I'm totally at ease when my big fat ass is flapping in the breeze. |
cracked | 6_ridiculously_misleading_movie_trailers | Stupid, misleading movie. Pray there is. Should've taken the money and left the guy alone. Not that simple, Bernie. No, of course not! Now that it's bounced up in your face!
This kid is special. Hey! I'm here with Ronnie Barnhart, one of the security guards here at the mall. Who can help me? Ma'am, I'm the head of mall security.
You should do that again and say it right. You know what? You can just take the whole thing. You know what happens next. Out steps me. Wielding the biggest fucking shotgun you've ever seen in your life. And you know what I do? I blow every fucking thing away.
Nipolis. The toughest military academy in the nation.
Come on, you butterball, move it! If you want to become a leader, you have to get past one man. 40 seconds! No, I don't think... I don't have to do that. Yes, you do, if you want your dad to live. Hey, look how tall he is! I said a hit, honk! The hippie, the hippie to the hit, hit, honk! You will discover, on Earth, everyone can hear you scream. No, I don't think... I don't have to do that. Yes, you do, if you want your dad to live. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_rupert_murdoch_calls_off_engagement_pope_francis_praises_sex_snl | A new study finds that the average child throws a tantrum four times a week. weeknights on Fox. Rupert Murdoch's engagement to Anne Leslie Smith has been called off. apparently, she got cold feet after Murdoch passed his physical.
In a new documentary, Pope Francis praises the virtues of sex, calling it one of the beautiful things that God has given to the human person. I'm not the way I do it. a woman who has been traveling the world says she's gone on 34 first dates in nearly 20 countries. her secret? she's being sex trafficked. a new app called Greet Her is designed to help women travel alone safely by providing people to greet them when they arrive at airports or hotels.
And it's being used for murder. a Virginia man who pranks people for youtube videos was shot while tricking someone in a mall.
Good. A 106 year old woman in the Philippines has become the oldest bold cover model ever, beating the previous record of 29. a Jeopardy contestant this week was forced to quit social media after people said his mustache looks like Hitler's. the contestant said he's so mad he's had it up to here.
Nasa has named the four astronauts it will send on the Artemis 2 mission to the Moon.
And if things go wrong, I think I know who's dying first. this is a Hitler solution. don't give it. Rupert Murdoch's engagement to Anne Leslie Smith has been called off, apparently. she got cold feet after Murdoch passed his physical.
In a new documentary, Pope Francis praises the virtues of sex, calling it one of the beautiful things that God has given to the human person.
I'm not the way I do it. call you. Okay. a woman who has been traveling the world says she's gone on 34 first dates in nearly 20 countries. her secret? she's being sex trafficked. a new app called Greet Her is designed to help women travel alone safely by providing people to greet them when they arrive at airports or hotels.
And it's being used for murder. a Virginia man who pranks people for Youtube videos was shot while tricking someone in a mall.
Good. A 106 year old woman in the Philippines has become the oldest bold cover model ever, beating the previous record of 29. a Jeopardy contestant this week was forced to quit social media after people said his mustache looks like Hitler's. the contestant said he's so mad, he's had it up to here.
Nasa has named the four astronauts it will send on the Artemis 2 mission to the Moon.
And if things go wrong, I think I know who's dying first. this is a Hitler salute, though. and don't gif it. |
dropout | a_message_from_your_favorite_ceos_ | Hi America, my name's David Taylor. I'm the CEO of the company that makes Tide, and it's corollary product, Tide Pods, which is what I want to talk to you about today. You gotta stop eating the Tide Pods, okay? Look, I get it. You guys are young, you're hip. You don't want an old guy telling you what to do, but Tide Pods are soap, and that's not food. So please, stop eating the Tide Pods.
And make sure to keep an eye out for cascade dish pops. It's a lollipop that cleans your dishes. That lollipop, uh, can we stop, sorry, are we calling it a lollipop? I'd love to see one, if I could, just get it, if we can find one in. Our company has been innovating new products since it was founded, and we're proud to continue that tradition with our Vicks VapoRub Winter Blast Gum Flavored Bond Bots.
Do these look just like mints, like diner mints? I'm looking at it, and man, that looks like a mint to me. I mean, am I crazy?
What do you mean the same as Tide Pods? I also don't understand, now that we're talking about it, what does gum flavored mean in this context? Bubble gum flavored? Gum tastes like anything.
We're gonna get our fucking ass handed to us in court. You're not rolling on this, are you?
Am I the asshole? Like, how do you not get, can we just cut, can you cut the camera real quick? I'm trying to understand right now how this happened. I've been busting my ass on this fucking Tide Pods fiasco, and I turned my back for three seconds, and now our entire line of products is shaped like fucking candy, and I'm trying to understand how this happened. Why are you crying?
With Tempex Push Sickles, you get to choose between chili cherry, frosty fruit punch, or ice cold cranberry. We... Okay, not only should none of these be flavored, because why would you flavor them? This is the coldest thing I've ever held. And as in everything else today, people will try to eat these.
Even if they're not poisonous, we don't want people eating fucking tampons. Those aren't poisonous. Why are they poisonous?
You'll go cuckoo for cleanliness with our Cocoa Butter Premium Pampers Brand Chucks so the kids eat shit. Right? That's what this is? The kids, they eat shit. It's chocolate, diaper, poop. Let's see here. Oh, there it is. Is it chocolate? Is it poop?
Do we care? Does anyone care? Who knows? Who gives a fuck, right?
So we do make food. So we do now make food.
Meal bag.
Test it. I'll kill you. It doesn't matter if we make the day, because none of this is gonna be usable. Do you understand? That's a hamburger.
It's a razor. That's a razor! That's a Gillette razor. Bring me shaving cream right now. And if it doesn't shave my face, it's your ass.
You get that, right? Here we go. Oh my god. That is a killer shave. That is like baby's bottom smooth. The other stuff I don't know about, but this is, the hamburger is working for me. Hi America. My name is Brian Hatt, and I'm the CEO of ABC.
Our company has always sought to produce wholesome original content that brings people together across the aisle, but recently we've had a couple big misses. Roseanne, the last man standing, these were attempts at bringing us together that ultimately couldn't connect with our core values. For that, we apologize. Moving forward, we want to prove to you that we are redoubling our efforts to create programming that speaks to the heartland while not attacking the very core of human decency.
So thanks for watching, and make sure to tune in for this fall's newest sitcom, Baby Immigrant, starring Adam Carolla, Ted Nugent, and Jeff Dunham. This is a fucking time bomb, man. Give me a break. Adam Carolla?
Ted Nugent? Can Ted Nugent act?
ABC isn't just for families, either. Keep an eye out for this fall's diversity, where two college athletes will lose their scholarships unless they can trick their friends and faculty into thinking they're women of color. Oh, God. Who agreed to be in this show? Logan Paul? The sweaty guy from the Charlotte. ABC's More Than Just Comedy, our new soap opera Blue Lives to Live, tells the story of a police precinct full of romance, betrayal, and the one woman brave enough to delete over 300 hours of body cam footage. Tell me we have something that will not cause a boycott. A reboot?
No! Don't move over to get the poster. Back on me!
I took care of Roseanne. I took care of 10 Allen.
How is this shit getting greenlit? We cannot keep selling shows to Fox! For fans of Chicago Med and Chicago Fire, make sure to check out Chicago EMT and Chicago Clan, coming to, okay, Chicago Clan, who did this show test well with? Can I see the demo information, please?
Thank you. Okay, so I've noticed something. This survey was conducted at a clan rally. Do you think that there's a problem with that?
Marking our first foray into prestige journalism, we're excited to bring our new hour-long, in-depth investigative reporting program, News for White People, with co-anchors Mel Gibson and any blonde woman. No Homo starring Kelsey Grammer, Greenlit, The Handmaid's Tale, but we frame it like it's a good thing, starring Patricia Heaton. Other than the title, guys, you know that's Greenlit, school shooter-shooter, starring a digitally reanimated Charlton Heston and Ted Nugent, the nudge? You know I got a Greenlight, the nudge!
I wanted to do something good, you know? Bring the left and the right together, we're so divided, I just thought. And you guys hired all these racist lunatics, and that's not what I... Look, I mean, Bridget, can we get that poll information? You wanna know the number one thing that middle Americans wanted to see on TV? It was racist lunatics, that's, they wrote, they had to bubble in other and write that. That was obviously not one of the options we put in. This country is fucked, it is bad.
They loved baby immigrant. We aired baby immigrant?
What the fuck are you talking about? First in the time slot? I mean, we can get Nugent an acting coach, right?
Hi America, my name is Rob Schelf, and I'm the CEO of Venmo, the simple, fun money app that enables quick and easy payments between friends while providing the full experience of a social media platform. Venmo started out as the dream of two engineering students.
What if you could like a financial transaction? What if you could friend request your landlord? What if you could comment on a work colleague's electricity bill?
This exciting idea was roundly rejected by the vast majority of our user base, who foolishly chose to ignore all the fun, social aspects of Venmo that we worked so hard on. Guys, we're in the middle of a take. Can we just lock it up? What's going on? No, I read it correctly. I'm calling them foolish. Because Venmo is fun, and you'd have to be stupid to not realize that. It's fun! With Facebook quickly unraveling democracy and Twitter full to bursting with Nazis, why not head over to Venmo and make us the new home of social media? Post your heart out with the understanding that every post must be accompanied by a financial transaction of some sort. Is that what's messing us up? That you can't just post it has to be accompanied by an exchange of money?
No. No, that rules. That kicks ass. It's the fucking users, man.
They suck.
I'm good. They suck. Of course the board knows I'm doing this. What do you think? I'm the CEO of the... You... Oh! Is that them on the phone? Hi, Walter. Hello. I can hear you're upset. So what I'm to understand is that once we are extremely profitable, the company has accomplished its objective. You do feel that way.
Well, I find that boring. I don't think that's cool. And I think cool is something that is a form of currency as well. Don't yell.
The reason I was brought onto this company is that I understand young people. I know what's hip. I know what's on. I know what's lit. I know what's fleek. That's why I'm here.
You're young. You're an intern, right?
Yeah. You want sosh? You want sosh mead? You want the sosh mead? Yeah. Cool.
What's your finance app? What do you use for finance?
Square. Square? Square cash?
You're fired. You didn't see it before, but she's very hostile.
With Venmo Platinum, you'll be able to socialize with only the most active Venmo users, celebrities, improv coaches, drug dealers, and with such features as scheduled payments, verification, and actually being able to tell whether or not you're paying the right person, the future of Venmo is more than golden. It's platinum. But you can only get it if you routinely get 20 likes on a post. How hard is that? I'm not asking you to part the fuck Red Sea here. I'm asking for some engaging content that we can license into a franchise of 20 and the Rock Johnson films.
I mean, Facebook is full of Russian bots and 9-11 truthers. Twitter is fuckin' Pledge Week at the Reichstag. The planets have aligned for Venmo's big day, and we're blowing it because of you.
You guys know you can put whatever you want in the comments, right? You don't have to say it's the actual thing that you're paying for. Instead of a cab, right? Write blowjob. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's comedy, okay? Something is one thing, but through comedy, you just say blowjob, and it's funny.
Go fucked. What do you mean people are naturally shy and anti-social when they're discussing their personal finances? You sound fuckin' stupid. You can be in a movie with The Rock. Do you want that? Do you want to live a stupid life where nothing happens? Could have been you. fuck. Hey, man. Are you okay?
Call me sleeping on the floor a little bit. You know, you're pulling along hours, you care about a company, as the CEOs do. My house is fine. I have my house still. Good morning, America.
I'm Jonathan Floor, CEO of MoviePass, the company revolutionizing the way you see movies. Now, you may have heard some rumors and gossip about us going out of business, but the important thing is this. MoviePass is here to stay. It's taken us a couple tries to get it right.
I mean, who knew people would see truly so many movies? I only thought they made like 20 movies a year. I way undergassed.
They make truly, what, like hundreds, right? How many? More, like thousands. Thousands?
According to our accounting department, we were losing money on every single subscriber. You know, it's okay. Sometimes in business, you got to lose money to lose money. Make money. fuck.
Changes have to be made here at MoviePass. They have to. They just have to. And we want to be totally transparent with you about those changes.
I've been emailing you guys conservatively three to ten times a day for the past five weeks, keeping you updated on what's new and exciting in MoviePass. We've kept you informed about doing surcharges, not doing surcharges. Letting you see select movies. Only letting you see movies at select times.
And our research is showing that none of those strategies have worked and you didn't like them all. But that's okay because if you try hard and you never give up and you never stop running, they'll never catch you. Just because something doesn't work doesn't mean it doesn't work.
In an effort to address these issues, we're unveiling total overall with the MoviePass system. Now, to be clear, nobody is being kicked off their subscriptions. We won't even let you cancel your subscription. Why would we kick you off? Instead, we're unveiling a few new options that should delight and reward our loyal subscribers.
One sec, guys, sorry. Um, I have to take this. I'm so sorry. Hi, Dimitri. I'm getting the money. I'm getting it.
How's Molly? Is she okay? Oh, you put her on the phone. Molly, hi, it's Daddy.
Are the men, the men are all right? They're not... Good. Sweetie, you can't cancel your subscription. What if we gave people movies to watch in their homes? Like if we had retail locations? Yeah, that's Blockbuster. Blockbuster? How's Blockbuster doing? What's their market share? Are they doing good? Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. How about this?
You want to see a movie? Come to our office, I'll act out the movies for you. With the new Fespian Pass, movies come alive in front of you.
I just saw Crazy Rich Asians. It was great. Give me a heads up. Give me like... Just tell me if you're going to come like a week in advance, and I'll do the whole thing for you. I'll get costumes, I'll get hats. It'll be so fun! Please don't. Why? I'll be all the Crazy Rich Asians. With Diamond Movie Pass, you get to fuck me. Jonathan Floor.
The CEO of Movie Pass, as much as you want, as hard as you want, for two hours. It doesn't have to be two hours. You can go longer if you want, but you can do it.
Just... Oh, and you also can see Mission Impossible. The original one. Not the new one. We couldn't make that happen. How about this? Okay.
What about a Movie Pass where it's pay as you go? It's like a la carte, right? So it's between $8, $20, depending on where you live, what theater you're going to, the location, and you would just buy individual Movie Passes from the theater ahead of the show.
Yeah. I feel like that's...
Don't. Just don't.
I'm hanging by a thread, and the thing I'm hanging over, it's bottoms. If I drop, I never hit the bottom.
Do you get it? I was going to say it's a good idea. Okay. Do you want to buy... shit. Do you want to buy Movie Pass? With the new Junior Mints Movie Pass. See? Any movie you want, as long as you buy all the Junior Mints at the theater. I know that's a lot of Junior Mints, right? But here's the thing. If you don't like Junior Mints, that's fine.
Throw them out. They're yours to do with what you will. Dimitri says hello. Oh, no, no, no, guys. Listen, wait. You're not being reasonable. I'm going to get the money. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Do you guys want to buy Movie Pass? No! Listen! Hey! Okay, new Movie Pass. Rescue me, and you can see any movie you want!
Hey, Internet citizens. It's me, Harry Pancake, the CEO of Tumblr. We've begun the difficult process of removing all adult content from our platform. We know some of our users are unhappy with this decision.
But Tumblr's a family company, and there's so much of what we do have to offer that is SFW, short for safe, fun, and wholesome. You were still having fun. Come on. Tumblr's a vibrant space for artists, comedians, young activists, and the many non-pornographic communities that make up our platform. Consider the thriving mascot community we have here on Tumblr. These sportsheads can't get enough of their team's mascots. If you spend any time at all scrolling under the furry hashtag, you'll be wowed at their craftsmanship. Ingenuity and dedication.
What am I looking at here, Carm? Because that, uh... So you're telling me I'm looking at this lion, I guess, centaur penetrating this Lady Koala from behind. That is not indicative of what the furry community is about. It extremely is. What? Okay, so you're telling me that if I go to Yif Party... Don't do it. So the entire furry community is just these foxes and badgers and dragons all banging each other? Well, dragons call themselves scalies? Do you think that was my question, was what the nomenclature of these fucking...
What is this frog doing with its nipples? How does this not violate our extremely clarified nipple policy? Well, frogs normally don't have nipples, so we couldn't tell if they were female-presenting. The frogs got tits out to here, Carmen!
I've never seen bigger tits in my life! I've seen bigger.
Where? Tumblr? Go to hell! Tumblr's about creativity, not smut.
Look at the great fan-created fiction that's already on here. Sherlock Holmes, as a high school student, shared over 800,000 times. The untold adventures of Samwise and Frodo sharing a villa in the Tuscan countryside? How creative is that? Here, I want to read you a passage from one of my favorite fan-created fictions, Harry Potter and the Wand of Impossible Girth.
But I don't understand, Dobby. I gave you my sock. Why do you want the rest of my clothes?
Dobby gripped the tender balls of the boy who lived and whispered, Dobby is master now. And Cornelius Fudge gets to watch.
Martha, I'm not angry. I just am trying to understand how this didn't get to me. When I started this website, I wanted it to be about buddies doing social media. That's where I started the BDSM tag!
It's full of what? Well, it can't all be porn, okay? It can't all be porn! There's got to be some knock porn on the platform.
Activists! We have got young activists. Head over to Socialist Put Up Socialist Tumblr, and I bet there's...
Cute. That's real cute, gang.
So, what? This is seizing the means of production? I will find it. I will find the non-porn, all right? Cooking. Look, this eggplant is sprinkling water on a crime man. No.
Family. Okay, family values. Thirsty stepsister needs a big... No, she doesn't need that, and in fact, nobody needs that.
Something boring.
Craftsmanship. DIY. Here.
It's 12 million results.
That's the real Bronson Pinchot. Well, he's working.
Well, I don't understand what the octopus is getting out of any of this. And frankly, the young woman doesn't look very happy either. And this is under the cartoons tab. Yabba dabba do not search under there if you want to just watch some Flintstones or something wholesome. Well, I guess I'm the idiot, right? Just a fool. Wanted a website, some artsy photos of rain, a couple of bad poems, and a conversation format that was frankly impossible to follow. You took my dream and you stuffed it up with dicks and pussies and hard clips.
We found an odd point, boss. Really? Yeah, it's a neo-Nazi, advocating genocide. Should we take a step? I beg your pardon? Freedom of speech heard of it? Hey gang, Brennan here.
If you dig college humor and want to support what we do, sign up for Dropout. For the cost of a very big dumpling per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. Chat with us live in the Dropout Discord. And exclusive content such as Dimension 20.
There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? So sign up for your free trial today. Or don't. You know, do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. I don't even know you. That would be crazy.
It was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry. And that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA? |
dropout | hardly_working_the_ultimate_prank | I'm Dan Gerwich, and this is Patrick Cassels, Prankmaster Extraordinaire. Right now, David is at his desk, totally unaware that he is about to become the ultimate butt of the ultimate office prank. It's critical that he not see us, because we are moments away from executing the finale of what has been a long, delicately choreographed planning process. Jake is in place, and Streeter is waiting up front with the car.
We've paid off the security guards and cut all the phone lines. The animatronic goats have been powered on. To pull this off, we gained diplomatic immunity from four unfriendly nations. I mean, we really went for it, a cast of thousands, a budget that dwarfs James Cameron's wildest dreams. Yeah, we know that, because he lent us his underwater cameras for Phase 4.
Sarah went through six sex change operations for this prank. Guy, girl, guy, horribly mutated her maf and I, guy, and finally back to girl. With some unfixable defects. It's a prank four decades in the making. Yeah, it was originally the brainchild of Patrick's father in the mid-1970s.
Hosni Mubarak recently fulfilled his part when he stepped down as president of Egypt. That went off without a hitch. The whoopee cushion is in place. We have a floor of 300 teraflop hard drives, parallel processing around the clock, determining every feasible contingency.
It hasn't all been easy. Dan and I both severed really promising relationships along the way. Lucy and I were registered in great peril.
And we had a slight hiccup when Obama scaled back the NASA budget, but they found a way to get their job done. Thank you, astronauts.
J.D. Salinger is currently waiting for our phone call, not dead, in holding at a nearby Motel 6.
We introductory is good. Light is good. We've sold the movie rights to McG. Temperature is good. Barometric pressure is accepted. Ideal. And we'd like to thank Seattle.
Now, Groucho masks. David suspects nothing, and in T-minus five minutes, it all pays off. Of course, none of this would have been possible if Dan here had never learned to perfectly mimic Jeff Goldman's vocal timbre. All fanatics know things about me. They have a greater fear of me than love of their gut.
What's going on? Are you guys going to prank me? I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe! My tailbone! Oh, you guys, it burns my freaking tailbone! Help! I'm serious, guys! Ow! |
dropout | future_jeremy_lin_headlines | Since his breakout performance against the New Jersey Nets, Jeremy Lin has been dominating news headlines almost always in the form of a pun. Here are a few suggestions for more in case the Lin Sanity continues. Yo! Check out my bling! Bling! There's a Lin in there, trust me. Duh! Linning!
Abraham Lincoln. It works. Do you have to let it linger?
Maybe. Be careful what you Lin for. What?
Sir Lin Salot. Hey, after this season he's going to be Lin-dependently wealthy. God, fuck that. Single violin. Benjamin Franklin. Franklin, Delinor, Roosevelt-Lint. Giving his opponents the deadly ear malady known as Linitis.
So Lin.
That was great. We were totally in the pocket there. |
cracked | coke_s_bizarre_fake_credit_card_for_90s_teens | If you're at a party and someone's looking for a Coke card, they don't mean this one. This is the Coca-Cola card, a logistically complex fake credit card, discount program, concert ticket, voicemail account, and small business directory all rolled into one that's earned its place here in the landfill of history. Widely distributed to teens in the late 90s, this thing was part of a $75 million insane marketing program from Coke that fizzled out faster than a gas station refill. Did you pay for this wiener, son? Americans love to collect garbage in the hopes of collecting future garbage, whether it's wet sandwich paper, board game railroads, or cancer cash with the image of a phallic founding camel. And in the quagmire known as the Cola Wars, Pepsi's weapons of choice were Pepsi points, which allowed plunderers to exchange bottle caps for small trinkets like sunglasses, duffel bags, and fixed-wing combat aircraft.
I sure beat the boss. The $200 million campaign was so successful, Pepsi eventually had to stop marketing it because too many people had claimed too many prizes.
Not that I would know. In elementary school, Shane L'Anum told me that his dad worked for Pepsi and promised that he'd be able to score me a free mountain bike. I'm still waiting.
Coke needed a proportional response that would encourage its own addicts to hoard useless plastic, and the result was the Coca-Cola card. This is the Coca-Cola card. A wallet-friendly red plastic opportunity available to anyone regardless of FICO score. It had the look and feel of a traditional credit card, featuring a black magnetic strip and a space for your authorized signature. Because Coca-Cola wasn't fucking around.
Coca-Cola aggressively manufactured more than 55 million of these things and sent them directly to teens across the country to get them addicted to both junk food and junk mail. Borrowing a page from your drug dealer, they were peddled in high schools, pizza joints, and spring break hot spots like Daytona Beach. The card was also hyper-localized and offered completely different benefits that varied from season to season, from town to town. There were over 280 different versions of the goddamn thing, each one specific to a different U.S. soda bottling region, which just looks like a map of places that oppose same-sex marriage. The card even came outfitted in its own protective cardboard sleeve and featured a six-page fold-out list of where you were supposed to be able to use the thing. If you were the kind of teenager who got horny over clipping coupons and unfurling maps, 1998 was your summer of 69.
Now, in theory, it worked like this. You'd buy a Coke, flash your card, and earn some sort of discount or great offer. But in reality, it was hard to tell exactly who accepted the card and whether or not the offer really was, all caps great. A typical deal was that of South Dakota's famed Volga Gas Stop, where cardholders who purchased the 20-ounce cola were entitled to a quarter-pound Jimmy Dean hot dog for the low price of $0.49 and an evening of abdominal pain. Other offers were needlessly complicated, like that of New Jersey's Tanger Outlet Center. Interested parties were required to present both a Coke card and a Coke bottle cap to an official at the Tanger Mall office in order to receive a free coupon book. It was the inception of bargains, a coupon within a coupon. Now, it's not just that these discounts were kind of lame.
For months, the card had been shrouded in this aura of hyped-up mystery before its disappointing release. Like the Segway Scooter or the Muller Report. Its vague early marketing said nothing about what the card actually did, only promising that it was coming soon everywhere, seemingly bound only by the limits of time and space.
But rather than inform the public that the card was a nice way to shave a few cents off of a snack, Coke doubled down in 1999 with a brand new marketing campaign that said even less than before, called Itty Kidding. A hard to pronounce acronym with the catchiness of a default password, Itty Kidding stood for, if you don't know, you don't go. And positioned itself as the antidote to typical adolescent boredom, like yelling at birds in your front lawn, or having your best buds over to watch Julia Child. Itty Kidding also granted access to exclusive events, like a series of secret concerts featuring Everclear, Smash Mouth, and the Black Eyed Peas, where the price of admission was a single can of Coke. The trouble is, Itty Kidding worked so well that nobody knew exactly where or what they were supposed to know or go. Recounting the tour in 2013 as the dumbest shit I ever did in my life. To live, Kweli said that because nobody knew exactly how to attend these free concerts, club promoters had to beg strangers on the street to attend.
That's because, in order to find out about the concerts, Coke heads were required to use their card to dial up a special phone number that granted access to a proprietary voicemail box. Oh, did I forget to mention the Coke card was also a sprawling nationwide telecommunications project? Yeah, the 1999 Coke card included Coke Voicemail, which was said to be the world's largest voicemail network, and could only be accessed by buying a bottle of Coke and entering an 11-digit access code printed on the bottle cap. So a few weeks out, Coke would blanket these voicemail boxes with word of a concert, and the two dozen souls who were savvy enough to decipher the riddle of the diet sphinx would be rewarded with a bismarcky performance. One of the more notable tour dates was an Everclear concert in Austin, which ended in assault charges against a band, after they pushed away a girl who'd thrown a plastic bottle at them. Hopefully it was a 20-ounce Coke, because they could've used that cap to leave a voicemail for their attorney. I think this is a great time to remind you that all of this effort was to get you to buy something that you drink on occasion. After two short years, Coke pulled the plug on the Coke card project, banishing the plastic to the annals of your wallet, along with your movie pass, magnesis, and photo of your most disappointing child. But even though the card has been lost to the landfill of history, if its plastic legacy is anything like that of a two-liter bottle, it'll be with us as it slowly decomposes over the next 450 years. Now, in an era before viral marketing, you can't say that printing 55 million fake credit cards wasn't at least ambitious.
But even professional marketers looking back say that the promotion was too subtle, with middle schoolers lacking a clear grasp on the nuances required for effective beverage negotiations. Why do I give a shit about some old coupon? Because when I was a kid, I trusted Coca-Cola. I knew that Shane would lie to me, but I never thought that Santa Claus would lie to me, or Polar Bear would lie to me, or Mexico would lie to me. So for years, I carried these things around in my wallet, hoping that I would get the chance to enjoy a free Snickers bar with Steve Harwell. But I never found a single goddamn place that accepted these things. My small town suburb apparently fell between two bottling regions or something, and all the great offers were only available in distant towns. The kids in Clarkston got to enjoy the thrill of scoring a half-priced soda. But for those of us trapped in Lake Orion, this thing was as useless as a condom, something you kept around in your wallet for years until it expired and you threw it at a bus stop.
Today, I don't even drink soda. The last time I had a Coke was probably in a Jack and Coke, where I mixed in the Jack to disguise the taste of the Coke. But even if you are someone who has been drinking Coke since the 90s, I don't think it's because of the Coca-Cola card.
I think it's because you like going to the dentist. Hey, you want to hear more about this amazing Cosby shocker that we hear at Cracked discovered in 1987? Like this video, subscribe to the channel, and hit the bell for notifications and maybe we'll tell you what we found. I think you're going to be very surprised. |
TheOnion | U_S_Forest_Service_Kills_Off_Smokey_Bear_To_Get_People_Serious_About_Fire_Safety | With wildfires on the rise in the U.S., some public safety ads are getting a drastic makeover. This week, the Forest Service rolled out a brand new Smokey the Bear campaign, in which the popular mascot burns to death. They say they hope the shocking turn will get people serious about preventing forest fires for once. The new campaign depicts Smokey the Bear noticing a family leave a flame unattended. Before he can put it out, the entire forest is consumed and Smokey dies in agony while trying to fight the blaze. Despite educating the public for over 70 years, the Forest Service says wildfires have only gotten worse, and it was time to take their warnings to the next level. The new ads aim to show that if Smokey the Bear can be killed by the very type of fire he works so tirelessly to prevent, it could happen to anyone at any time. What will it take to get you people to care about fire safety?
If we have to kill the thing you love, so be it. Smokey's gone, and he's never coming back. So what's next for the long-running campaign? Well, now that their primary spokesperson is out of the picture, the ad council says the PSAs will shift focus to a new character named Little Brian. He's the boy whose family caused the fire in the first place, and he's grappling with crippling guilt over Smokey's death. Up next, Taco Bell adds fresh salads to its list of things they don't serve. |
TheOnion | Concerning_Study_Finds_1_In_10_Americans_Lack_Access_To_Adequate_Food_Eating_Challenges | Food inequality continues to be an issue across the country, as a concerning study recently found that nearly one in 10 Americans lacks access to adequate food and eating challenges. The study found that despite massive wealth in the U.S., millions of Americans don't know where their next 20-pound hamburger is coming from. And across the country, families are struggling to put 72-ounce steaks and 20 ghost pepper wings on their dinner table and eat them in under an hour. According to the study, the nation's urban areas have been hit hardest, as there are multiple major cities where a majority of residents must travel more than 20 miles to their nearest pie-eating contest. The issue has spurred thousands of protesters across the country who recently assembled for a unified day of action demanding a free t-shirt and to see their picture on a restaurant wall.
In a groundbreaking new discovery, scientists have just announced that the Earth's core can play Blu-rays. New geological research from MIT has discovered a slot in the Earth's inner core intended for scanning and reading Blu-ray discs. That's right, Earth's core can play Shallow How, Ratatouille, 500 Days of Summer, or basically any movie so long as it's on Blu-ray. Their findings also indicate this slot has been there since the formation of the Earth, but since Blu-rays weren't invented until recently in human history, we haven't had anything to put in there until now. Scientists have specified that the core can only play Blu-rays, as extreme temperatures near the Earth's core would instantly incinerate any DVDs or VHS tapes. Scientists now hope that someday we will have the technology to dig to the Earth's core so we can hook up a 4,000-mile-long HDMI cable and watch an awesome movie.
Alpha Mails, why do you love Joe Rogan? He takes testosterone, but in a cis way. He's totally opened my mind to ideas that I was simply too informed to even consider. He doesn't let the work mob bully him into ridiculous stuff like critical thinking. Having a fellow Alpha tell me how to think and feel really makes me feel in control. Mmm, head shiny. He isn't afraid to say things that I already think are true. Listening to Rogan is like hanging with a great buddy, which I can't do in real life because having friends turns you trans. Who else would have the balls to start a podcast? |
SaturdayNightLive | amazon_go_snl | Since 2018, Amazon's been showing customers a new way to shop where you can just grab and go. It's Amazon Go, so I just grab what I want and leave. Yep, Wow, that's so easy. Use the Amazon Go app to enter, then start shopping. that's it. that's it. No lines, no checkouts. no problem. At an Amazon Go store. You can walk in, grab what you want, put it in your bag, and just go. Oh, she want me to just take something and walk out? Nice. It's so convenient.
We know some people are skeptical, some people. Well, here's how it works. We use computer vision, huh? Deep learning algorithms and sensor fusion. Okay, so it's a trap.
So where do you pay? There's no register. it all happens with our grab-and-go technology. But where do you pay? You don't know? I do. I always pay. Okay, it's simple.
Take what you want, put it in your own bag, and walk out and we have everything you love. Oh, hey, they have my favorite brand of Kombucha. Oh, that's great. you should grab it. Sure, can you grab it? You should pick it up babe, it's fine. Pick it up. I'm learning.
If you change your mind, just put it back. Our technology will update your virtual cart instantly, Okay, so get your purchase and go. Oh, go ahead. leave. Just walk out. You've already paid. Here we go, I told you. it's just notifying you of your receipts. No, checkup. No. seriously, that's a damn trap. |
TheOnion | Orgy_Scheming_Sex_House_Ep_8 | 6 sexy americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This sex house. Welcome to sex house!
Have sex.
Yeah we will! Right after the sex meeting. No need to miss us bro. I've been having a lot of meetings but they're all about having more sex. We can't wait to have a big group sex fuck fest. And that's why we've all been talking in the corner lately.
Oh yeah! What's up beautiful? You ready to give up that juicy dugout? Yeah but before we get started I'm gonna go use the sibian to get myself hot and ready. Yes. Good.
Oh darn I think it's broken. Can you guys fix it?
Very well. We decided to play a sexy game of settlers of Bataan until the repairman comes. I'd like a settlement please. I'm nervous about the word. I don't wanna die. Fine. If he dies, we die.
Emma. Karen.
Daddy loves you. And if what we've been planning in the sex meeting goes sour, I just want you to know your father was a good man.
Hello. Oh great. Oh cool.
Something wrong with this? Yeah you know. It's a 40 volt standard unit. What do you think is wrong with it? Yeah. It's the weirdest thing, it just stopped working. Yeah. What the hell? This is sabotage, yeah?
Release the sibian man. Everyone do your soul tag. You are such a gay spider. Oh my god. Stop.
I can't get these doors open! These screwdrivers are for star shaped screws!
Stop immediately. Frogs are ready. Alex, stop. There's something behind this wall, it's stronger than how you steal. Frog. Don't move. Alex!
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Hold the water door. Let's talk about this for a second. Wait. Oh no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
I got him. I got the mask on. How did you do it? I wasn't afraid of dying because I thought I had already died.
Guys, we should let the Sibian repairman go. He didn't have anything to do with this. Oh my god.
You are murderers. You could have had it all sex house. You could have all been rich. But you chose to be selfish.
No! You have no choice. No! Have sex.
Fine!
Is this what you want? Huh? You want this? Here. Frank, what are you doing? You want this? Do not do anything American. Is that what you want? There you go. Is this what you want? Frank! Yeah.
Well, we will not have sex. We refuse. Do not do this. I am Frank America. No!
I think we need to eat those frogs.
Must be a situation with sex house. The cats are all dogs. Shut down sex house.
It's okay, Tara. Eat the frog. It's the sexy thing to do. |
cracked | amadeus_review_aka_nipples_of_venus | Oh, got the brides in the video. Also, I didn't go live in time. Get out of the video, Brian.
All I was gonna say is I don't think poorly of anybody, but I do think structurally there can be issues in life that make people behave in ways that I don't want them to. Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies, which are like books, but better. I am your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-hosts, Jesse and Mrs. Alice Nutting.
Wow. Married. Married, Sadie Sadie, married lady. What can I say? Did you do a honeymoon? Was that your vow, Allie? Yeah, that was all I said. And then I said, scene. And then the rabbi said, you're married. That's amazing. No, no honeymoon.
I literally started work on Tuesday. I'm like back at work for my semester. We'll do it in like eight hours.
Oh, you got a ring on. I saw that. Oh, hey, look at that. What can I say?
I'm gonna just stick you a lot with the left hand. No, we, sorry. Oh, no, I'll never get to see your animated titties ever again, that's not fair. Time to go, boys.
That's what I live for. Back it up. I live for which different pair of titties am I gonna get to see on your, what's it called? Avatar? On your avatar every week. Was that Wendy from Wendy's? Yeah, I know. This was an exciting one.
It went away way, way, way too fast. Went away way too fast for my tastes.
I think we might get sued for that one. Yeah, all right. We're sponsored.
By Wendy's? Yeah, by Wendy's Boobies, yeah. Chicken nuggets.
Fresh, never frozen. The Frosty's specifically, never frozen.
Let's talk about some things that we're gonna talk about. And the first thing is that for those of you that are new to this dumb podcast live stream, first, I hope you've watched this part of the video before yelling at me that this review is longer than the actual movie because A, it's a podcast, and B, this movie is so long. This movie's long.
I did warn you ahead of time. I said, It's fine. And it helped and it was great. I actually have a thing on that in a second.
But my only point, the thing I was gonna say is that if you say things in the comments, we may throw them up. For example, if you have excellent breasts in your avatar. Yeah, we might barf it. You know, we might puke them. But also if you have like alternate titles or observations or whatever, just throw them in the chat.
And it sounded like Brian was in a car. So I don't know how effective Brian's gonna be at doing any of this, but I will also try and grab things that are interesting. Andrew says, Skaggs is back. That's a reference to a video that was pulled that I was in because of corporate things, which is my favorite.
Who wants to read that? You know who would hate that? You know who would hate that so much?
Mozart. Mozart? Mozart would hate that so much. Oh my God, dude. I really identify with Mozart. I'm just a genius, alcoholic.
I love fart jokes.
Wait, did they get into that much in this movie? Cause that was one of the things I wanted to bring up was how he loves poop. Yes. The whole introduction to him, the whole beginning of the movie is seeing his puerile sense of humor and stuff.
Mozart would be great on TikTok. Ugh, you know what's so annoying is that Mozart would kill it on TikTok. And that you would be like, well, somebody who's great on TikTok can't do long form stuff.
It's like they're only good in five 15 second bursts. And then they're so good too. You see a stand up thing and they're like great and you're like, ugh, whatever. Okay, but they could never do sketch for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And they're like, this is my first sketch. And it's like, this sketch is perfect. The premise is perfect. The justification is impregnable. It's perfect. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, I wish we had more movies about geniuses at useless art forms, like TikTok and sketch coming. I think it'd be fun. Just kidding. To me, nothing is funnier than an Amadeus parody. When people like really lean into it, there's like been on like a family guy and things like that. Like every time I see what I'm always like, it's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. I don't know. I fall for it every time.
I didn't do the homework. I didn't watch this one.
Okay, Amadeus, picture this. We're in whatever century it's in. It's basically a made up story about Salieri and his, I guess, actual animosity toward Mozart. Do we know that they actually had beef? It's unclear. People think it's way played up in this. Yes, very much so. Okay, so it's good to view it as a work of fiction, which is what I did, because I kind of got the vibe that there's not really any direct strong ties to history, but basically it's Salieri on his, kind of his death bed. Just an old crusty old disgusting man and he takes credit for killing Mozart and he's sort of recapping it to this priest who like doesn't recognize him, which is such an indignity. And it just sort of, it chronicles how Salieri was the next big thing. He was on like the Royal Commission of Music or whatever. I don't know.
But he was like making all the right moves and his career was going great.
And then this young, dipshit, hothead Mozart comes swooping in and just is a complete jag off, but also an absolute genius. And so there's a lot of animosity. And so this story is basically Salieri describing how he slowly ruined Mozart's life at every given opportunity. Although debatably, I think Mozart was just kind of ruining his own life. And that's it. So it chronicles a young Mozart being all handsy with a bunch of women and eating decadent foods and being a jerk, but also writing operas and stuff.
Yeah, we brought this up when we were watching Whiplash two weeks ago, because we were talking about like, well, one thing is we were talking about the specific ways in which you can foster animosity between men to be like, yeah, this guy is better than you and like get them to hate each other instead of you so that they will work harder to prove you right or wrong. Do you know what I mean? And so we were talking about it and we were saying like, it's so fun. It was very funny to me that in Whiplash, no one in that class gets any closer in a shared animosity of the teacher. Everyone sees him as perfect and they just hate each other. And I was like, I do feel that on the whole, not to overgeneralize, that is a very male, a male generalized, male socialized sort of thing. And I was saying it's so funny because like there's no part in this movie.
There's no Amadeus. There's no Mozart who's like, hey, dude.
Oh, you hate me? You hate me?
I had no idea. We were like, I thought I was gonna have you teach my kid.
Okay, well, I guess we're rivals. Like just like this one person who sort of blows through life who's really good at stuff, who like isn't even aware necessarily of like the social things that are like stacked against them of people being like, you're not very, you know, like, I hate you. We're rivals. It's like, we've been rivals. I'm on my death bed. You're telling me now that we've been rivals all my life.
Oh man, I didn't know that. Yeah, that's, I forgot about that aspect of it that we were talking about that with Whiplash.
Yeah, I think when I saw this as a kid, so I do remember I've seen this. It was one of those things that like the band teacher was like, if you guys are good, the last week of the year, we'll watch Amadeus. Because that's what it takes, right? Yeah, exactly, yeah.
And I think at the time, I thought that he was sort of a, Mozart was like a cocky dude, but he definitely was. But a lot of his full paws, I thought were him actively trying to like break norms and break expectations. But I like Ali, your take that he's actually just sort of so just happy go lucky that he doesn't realize what a weirdo he is. I mean, like, they definitely show that he has vices and intense mood swings and his like, his lows are very low and his depressions are very depressed.
So it's like, it's not like that he's like, I don't know, Kenneth Purcell, just sort of like, you know, through life. But like, just like a person who is, whether you want to say it in a spiritual way or not, like put on this earth to create stuff. And that like his gift is music. And that like everything else to him is idiocy. And like, it's just a thing to keep him from making music, such as taking a band libretto and setting it to music.
And it's basically already done, not asking the king for permission, knowing that it wasn't against, like it's against the rules, these like social standards. Social standards, they're just stupid. I don't want to play by those rules. That those rules are just a thing standing between me and making the art that I'm like born to make, put on this earth to make.
And that I think the thing that makes this movie specifically special is that there are a lot of movies where that is sort of the point. It's like, oh, this person's so amazing. They're so genius, blah, blah, blah. What if instead, as another little bit of genius, what if there was only one person who truly could fully understand the breadth of your genius in your time and they hated your guts because they wanted to be you more than anything. And I think that's what makes this movie special in a glut of movies that have a very similar, a similar like kernel, which is like unconventional genius has to prove he's something worth it. This movie to me is special, this play as well, because everybody else is going, yeah, Mozart's good. I really like his stuff.
He's really kind of annoying. And there's one person on earth who's like, no, he's not good.
He's the best that's ever been alive. And maybe the best that will ever be alive.
And I know enough to know that. And I know enough to know that I'm not that and I never will be. And it's gonna kill me.
Like, like, that's so, this is by the way my favorite movie of all time. So thank you for this one. This is truly my wedding gift. This is like- You're welcome. This is it.
Like number one, saw it when I was like 14 years old, had to get two different DVDs because the movie is so long. You have to like watch part one and part two. That's what I have actually, just a super quick aside on that, Devin Byan popped up who you guys don't know, but I'm trying to convince to watch fricking Lucky Number 11 with us. Anyway, best friend for a long time. We roomed together in college. In college, we used to rent DVDs from the library to watch because it was those kinds of times. And we rented this because it's one of my dad's favorite movies of all time. Wow, wow, wow. And we watched it and it was 54 minutes long.
And I was like, I don't get it. I don't get why people like it. It sort of just starts in the middle.
Do you remember where your one stopped? Because I remember very clearly where my DVD one stopped. Not exactly, but he's already pretty sick and it's, well, I don't know, where was yours? I mean, I'm sure it was the same.
My DVD stopped when he is watching Don Giovanni. And he goes, I know, I knew what I had to do. I knew I could kill Mozart cut to black. And I was like, that can't be the end of the movie. I like flipped out. I was like pulling apart the Blockbuster DVD rental. And then I found part two.
So I just started that, it just seemed like two guys and like, I don't know, they were like pretty mean to each other. I mean, I guess Mozart wasn't mean to him.
I don't know. I was like, I don't get it. I don't get why people like it. It feels really short.
This guy is so sick. Why are they being so mean to him? Yeah, it's just like, I bet this guy doesn't fuck at all.
Yeah, I didn't, I didn't remember. Like none of it really went in. And then we realized there was another side and it was like, it's too late. I don't care anymore.
Like it's, I don't want to have the last half of the movie ruined before the first time. So then we watched all the Saw movies and it was great.
And that actually has changed your life. That's actually made me more money than anything else I did in college. There you go. You know, I think it worked out. It's funny.
I will say most people when I tell them this is my favorite movie go, you know, my band teacher put that on in ninth grade. I don't know if we ever finished it. I should watch that again. Like that is like the most common response for people like, and what's your favorite movie? Like that's, for me, my, I remember I had a music teacher who was out sick once and we watched Poltergeist. I was in fourth grade, it was really scary. Yeah, that's pretty intense. I feel like getting the pop on- Why didn't we watch Amadeus? Getting a pop on Amadeus is like the height of a band teacher's career.
You know what I saw? I saw a funny TikTok recently. Oh. Wow. It was like comparing- Was it the most hearted TikToks?
But okay, so just speaking of band teachers. So it was comparing like, you know, fourth grade math is this, 12th grade math is this. Yeah, there's nothing better than describing a TikTok. Keep going, I'm excited. Sure. But here's, but the point of it is that what he was, the point he was making was that like every single year in band class, it's cool that you have band class, but you learn the same thing. It never really gets as advanced as like saying math does or English does or anything like that. And so I don't know, this, thinking of this, this movie brought me back to like all my different, my very like band teachers. And like when I was in like, you know, the jazz band and stuff, thinking of like how psyched they were to get to like conduct a bunch of like fourth, fifth and sixth graders and like probably like in their best moments like picturing like I am Mozart.
And you can see why they absolutely love this movie. Yeah. It's a great movie. No, see, actually in band, if you do lower school, middle school band, you watch Amadeus, but if you do high school band, you watch Amadeus director's cut. Ooh. Now it has tits. So that's actually how band gets more advanced as you get older. Yeah, so I have the DVD because again, my dad owns it. And so I watched that and it was sans breasts.
So it was a pretty disappointing. Sorry, man.
You can go back and see if you want. They're still on tape. I'm sure I could find it if I really needed to.
And I looked up the differences and it does sound like it is a little more fleshed out that Sally Arie is a little bit more. Nice. So much fleshier version. No, it felt like, it seems like just in the descriptions that it was more clear that he was sinister and evil where it's a little bit. That makes sense. It's a little bit more, he's a little more forgivable at some points. And you sort of get at the end of the movie when Mozart's wife shows up and she's really pissed that Sally Arie was like. It makes a lot more. Yeah, I'm like. I agree. I don't feel like Sally Arie's been that clearly evil or mean, like how would she even know? And speaking of, just really quickly, the scene that precedes the booby scene is where the title of this video is coming from about the nipples of Venus. Oh yeah.
Yes, they look good. I would eat those.
The words he were saying did not appeal to me. I didn't understand.
It's like a candied chestnut in like a sugar, like a caramelized or a crystallized sugar with like a little. I don't want it. Raisin on the top. I just want the chocolate chip cookies, this scat of the gods or whatever. I don't want any Venus nipples.
That's so Mozart review. He probably loved chocolate chip cookies. Yeah, seriously.
Yeah, cause you like poop. You guys wanna talk about poop or are we gonna talk about? The scat, oh, alternate title. Well, I'm just gonna say scat man. I'm gonna write it down too. I had lek mich im arsh or whatever. Cause that's one of the million things that he wrote, which is lick my ass and. We said eat my shit one time too.
Like, oh wow. That's the very beginning of the movie. That's what I was saying. We got it right out the gate. Yeah, he said, I wanna shit on your nose and have it run down your chin to his like. Did he say that? Not in the movie. Well, he wrote it. This is life. He was kind of the original shit poster, quite literally. Yeah.
He also kind of was the original, like, well, not he, but like one of the parts of the movie that I like in Namadeus is based on something real, which is that like opera was the high art form. And then there were like music halls and music halls were like variety shows. But like the original Weird Al originated here where like, you know, like Mozart's like marriage of Figaro would be really popular. And like, you'd come see like the marriage of my Mamaro and then like India would be like, you know, making up new lyrics to his songs. And you'd be like, oh, Weird Al.
That's so good. He already started like right here. Wow.
I was actually gonna say, well, so, you know, there's obviously a lot of really extended takes of opera where they just are showing you opera just to show you that it exists. Like I do think a lot of the length comes from, I think there are a lot of movies where they will, you know, Whiplash, speaking of last week, you know, at the end, they do the whole concert, but most of the time you're kind of just getting snippets of him drumming and bleeding. There's not a lot of like extended, here's him playing the whole eight minute song. But in this movie, you get all of that for a lot of them. But don't you think that the intention of that is to convince, to make sure the audience knows Mozart as a genius? Well, do you know what I mean? Because like, I think the whole premise of the movie falls apart if you don't actually get to see him execute what he does so well. And then just to really convince you, show you one of Salieri's operas.
And you're like, oh. This blows, wow, yeah, this definitely blows, like. Yeah, well, that's what I was gonna say is that, yeah, Salieri's, it sucks. And it's interesting because it's so hard to articulate because even at the beginning when Salieri's like, do you know this ditty of mine or this one or Mozart? Kind of cross buns. Yeah, and of course, we're like, oh, I get that one.
But I actually feel like, I think it does a pretty decent job. Obviously, there are a couple of scenes where Salieri literally sits there and describes what's cool about the music, where he says like, in comes the high clarinet or oboe or whatever. But I think it got really interesting. I think it became clear as the movie progresses, they do a really good job of showing.
It feels like what's weird about Mozart or compelling or interesting about him is kind of his rhythm. Like when the woman's yelling at him and he turns that into the opera that we see kind of near the end. Magic flute, yeah. And it's like, he just, obviously his skill is melody writing. There are melodies that everybody remembers and he's great at that. But there are all these rhythmic things that he was constantly doing. Like even at the end, as he's writing the Requiem, as he's dying, he's saying to like, do all these things that Salieri's like, that doesn't make any sense.
Why would everything be in unison? There should be harmonies, there should be whatever.
And he's like, no, it's. Yeah. And Salieri's like, I don't get it, I don't get it. He writes it down, he's like, oh, shit.
Also, I don't know if anybody is interested too, but there is some behind the scenes-y making of footage for this. And that scene is extremely interesting because they both had earpieces in to actually hear the Requiem parts that they were talking about. So they could like sing in the right key and get it at the, and like there's one really interesting moment in the film where the person who was like working tech didn't like get the cue quite right.
And like Mozart's thinking for longer than he needs to. And like Salieri's like, I'm ready. Mozart, I'm ready.
Like, and like they're acting through the moment, like really, it's really good. And it like feels really real and organic. And you're like, oh my God, it was real. It's great. Yeah. Great movie.
What can I say?
Yeah, it is interesting though, because I did feel like it was a little, it's a little dense musically. I think they do a good job of having a few moments where they kind of explain and show the process. But it is like you're saying, you have to kind of just feel that Salieri is shittier. Like it's so hard because this is not music. It's not like they're playing Nickelback next to the viewers or something. They're like, see, this one sucks. This one's great. It's a little challenging.
And I think that's probably the biggest success of the movie is finding a way to show that his music is good. Despite the fact that like Jesse texted us, it's like a JG Wentworth commercial at this point. Like Mozart is so overused, it's just tied into fricking ads and stuff, right? I mean, there's a very famous scene that's both in the play and the movie where Salieri, who is the court composer, which is a huge honor, basically means like, we think you are the best of the best in Vienna. Like, you know, you get to like live in the palace, essentially, like it's like important. Wright's a welcome march for Mozart who comes in and like is like welcomed.
And then it's like, so who wrote that? Oh, you? Okay. Could be better.
And then sits down and improves upon it instantly. And everyone else in court is like, oh, cool. And Salieri has to be like, thanks, dude. That was really cool the way you did that.
And then like goes home and like prays to his, what is it called when you put crucifix? Sorry, I'm Jewish. And it's like, grassy senori. The Bible is right there. Yeah.
You just walked off screen? I don't know what happened.
It's just so good. Yeah, the Bible is the original two DVD set. You better watch in order.
Sorry, I think people are saying that I am in the loudest place in the entire world, which is true. I'm sorry. I live across the park from a major hospital.
So it was always. Always something fun happened in New York City. Always something happening.
I felt that, that felt like a very Kenneth Parcel moment where he comes in and he just sight reads Salieri's little like welcome offering. And he just improved the pot at tenfold. And he's just like with that giggle and stuff. He's just like happily doing it. That felt like a real like, oh yeah. I thought we're all just like buds here, man. Yeah. I mean, like, and also in the, the rivalry is greatly played up and basically fiction. That's fine.
In truth, you know, the name Salieri has been sort of brought into infamy and like is a cultural touchstone because of the play in the movie. His music is not frequently performed. You don't go and see a Salieri opera at the Met. You don't go to a, you know, symphonic, you know, the best of the best. We're pulling out some of everyone's faves. It's Beethoven's fifth, Salieri's fourth.
He isn't really, his music's totally fine. You know what I'm saying? Like if you go and listen to something, you're not like, this is garbage. But it does not have the legend staying power of like the Mozart stuff. And you don't have to know a ton about classical music to listen to it and go, this one's better. This one's definitely better.
You know what I mean? Like you could do a blind, we could do a blind test right now. That would be fun.
You would all pick the Mozart song. It's just, it's just true. Well, we are also a little bit biased now because yeah, I mean, we know Mozart songs now. Like you're just gonna be like, oh, I like that one more because your brain is so familiar with it already. I mean, I'm sure you've picked something that you haven't heard, but. Yeah, you give me too much credit. I'm sure there's a lot of Mozart I haven't listened to. Yeah, I mean, like I'm assuming neither of you are like big opera buffs. Okay, that's a big leap. I sometimes listen to classical music Pandora when I'm writing.
And the opera is a big part of that for you. I have watched several Batman movies where they leave the opera and die. And then I'm like. What are they usually watching when they leave? Is it like La Traviata? Like what are they usually dying after? Probably Phantom of the Opera. Everyone's favorite opera. Somebody said, somebody one time was like, since the Batman story keeps getting retold eventually, like the timeline means that like Batman's parents are gonna get murdered after going to see like Ratatouille or something.
Yep. So speaking of theatrical operas, there were a few things that I don't know if it was done purposely, but remind me exactly of the fifth element. There's that one like celebrity dude who, so he's a composer, he's some sort of musician, but he's deaf. And he also has one of those like big powdered wigs. Do you remember this guy? Beethoven? He was like a Beethoven character, but it's the fifth element. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I literally thought you were trying to get us to say Beethoven. I was like, I was like, we're- No, I would have said big dog makes a mess everywhere. No, so anyway, he's this like musical celebrity who looks like Beethoven and stuff, but he's deaf. And there's a point where he like, when the opera is getting shot up, he like grabs a couple of pool balls or whatever, and thinks that that's what like Chris Tucker has asked. Is it Chris Tucker? I don't remember. He's in that. Yeah. He is in the film. Oh man, I wish he doesn't remember who this character is, but I don't know, whatever. Mozart is like, while he's like writing, he's like playing with some pool balls and he's got his big dumb hair and stuff.
And it felt like the fifth element like directly paid homage to that scene. I don't know. I haven't seen fifth element, but- Fifth elephant? What? The fifth element.
I know the fifth elephant. You said elephant. We've got to do that. I've seen probably five elephants.
Chet, what do you think? Should we do fifth element?
Yeah, I mean, that's a really fun movie. I think you'd actually really enjoy it. It's just for me to watch so many old things. Yeah, I really think you'd like it. And there's like fun action sequences and fun sort of campy-ish performances, but it's fun.
We're not allowed to talk about Bruce Willis anymore. People get mad and sad at us. Yeah, but he's really good now. I'm not gonna say anything mean. We probably brought about his demise. We made that video in like three days later.
We're Salieri. Whoa, we're Salieri.
My acting career is going so well. I'm Jordan's deathbed. He's gonna be in an old rickety wheelchair and a nice young priest is gonna come by and I'm gonna be like, I tried to slit my throat because I'm so tired of Bruce Willis. His career is apparently so much better than mine.
Yeah, it's killing you. Yeah. I will say also, I am aware of this movie is very old.
This does not have like cultural cache necessarily, but it is like a classic. It was a huge hit in the West End and on Broadway. It was a huge hit in theaters. It won like seven Academy Awards and made like $90 million on its opening weekend. It's a real classic, not just for band teachers, not just for hungover band teachers. It's actually one of the only best picture winners apparently to not get in the top five grossing, grosses of the year that it was released.
Amadeus. It's weird. Birdman. Birdman, English patient is another one of those, I think. The artist. Yeah, yeah. I really liked Birdman. I think I've talked about that before. I love Birdman. I've never seen it. Let's do that. I don't like new movies. I know. It's tough. Birdman is delightful. We should definitely do it.
I just, it's, you know, nobody saw it. I don't know what works on this podcast anyway. It doesn't really matter. Dude, Fifth Element is got crushed. Hey, speaking of what works on this podcast.
Salary on it. What's that? Your salary on it. You think your salary on it?
So I was just gonna say really brief as an aside since people leave when we say that we're done. There's a new horror movie out called Barbarian and we are probably gonna get the director to come on maybe next week and he's gonna talk to us. That's so exciting. And the director, if you don't know, is Zach Craig-ers, Craig-ers, oh God.
Yeah. Who is, Jesse, they want you to show your feet. So can you do that while we talk? They paid for it. For what? You sure show feet? Guys, you just made my day unpronounceable username. That is nice. That still means you've got young hot feet.
Well, we don't know yet. He hasn't shown them. I don't know. You don't know what I was gonna say.
Oh, this is, Slack's back. Been gone this whole time.
What I was gonna say is that Zach Craig-ers was in, or is, whatever, was in White Is Kids You Know, which for me was very formative. Yes, very much so. In my dorm, we had just enough internet where on Netflix, you could stream stuff, but it would take literally all day long. And so we would pick an episode of White Is Kids You Know, the IFC version, and then, in the morning, and then come back at night after class and get to watch 30 minutes. And it's the best thing ever.
Devin can attest to it if he's still in the, here we go, Devin's in the comments talking about something else. That's fine. Devin, we needed you for story time. So, Devin, if you're free right now to do this podcast in the comments, why aren't you on the damn thing, talking about like- Oh my God, he's showing feet.
They're so shiny. Oh, shit. In very veiny. Or scarred. Vainy feet.
Super sticker. I don't know what that means, but thank you. Don't know what that means either, but that's cool. Big fan for a super sticker.
Someone canceled. Well, that's because you're a bad therapist. All right, so, I assume, he's never given me any good advice.
Sorry, let's, we could start. Somebody asked a long time ago, so I'm just gonna bring it up. Bring it up. You know, we all do creative stuff. And more or less, Jesse tries.
Jesse's gonna get fired. I'm gonna get fired.
But, Al, you're probably doing fine. Oh, thank you. They asked, do you feel more like Salieri or Mozart or some third composer that you wanna imprint a sort of personality upon? I'm the guy from the Fifth Elephant. Oh, dad. Bruce Wienis from the Fifth Elephant. I'm sorry that I'm young. You know?
I mean, this is, I feel like, a real personality, Jess. I think anybody who says like, oh, I'm definitely a Mozart, is probably delusional. Well, but you can pick elements of it. You don't have to say the whole thing, like I'm a transcendental genius. Who is ever, who among us can be like, yeah, I am pretty confidently a once in a generation talent changed my whole, changed the way music sounds forever.
You know what I mean? Yeah, I think, oh man, that's such a good question. I think you can just, maybe don't put it in the, like, where your achievements have gone and more about the way that you approach your art. Okay. Does that make more sense? Okay, I've got an answer.
Both of them are more successful than either of us, any of us will ever be, so I don't think that's- Yeah, so, we're fine. I feel, I related so hard to Sally Arie. Jessi's older than Mozart ever was.
But that's true, right? When did he die? 35, how old are you? 35. Yeah. Dude, you're gonna die this year.
No, no. Okay, hang on, I love the question because I related so hard to Sally Arie when he was like, why God, why did you give me this deep, longing desire to make art and then not give me the talent requisite to be the greatest? Right. And what I think is really amazing about the character is that not only does he have that self-awareness to be like, I am aware that I am not a genius because what I'm looking at is a genius and I know that I'm not that, but then to also curse him with success and adoration and all of the things any person would ever want as chicks. Christine Ebersole who says he has a big hat on. Do you know what I'm saying? Like he gets everything he ever wanted and he still cannot achieve happiness because he knows that the only thing he wants is to make great music and he is not capable of doing so. That's wild.
And what a cool character. I think a really interesting question beyond who are you in life is that if you were in the movie or the play, do you want to play Mozart or do you want to play Sally Arie? Which character do you want to inhabit? The person who's like the impish little scamp who's drinking himself to death, but is like blithely making music or the one who sits in scowls and is aware of their mediocrity.
I mean, also everybody wins Tony Awards and if you're Sally Arie you win. Ian McKellen won a Tony Award for Sally Arie on Broadway. F. Marie Abraham won the Oscar that year for playing Sally Arie. So it's like, you do kind of come up as the winner. A few are Sally Arie.
They were both up for it. Like they were both up for best actor.
How often does that happen? Sorry if that's an ignorant question, but I think pretty infrequently. Were there both that? Yeah, it's not so often.
In the same movie where nominated for lead actor, right? It's not gonna be very common because there's not usually a movie where two people could equally be considered the protagonist and are both so good that they would push out at a whole other actor from a whole other movie. Yeah, right.
I would way prefer to play Mozart. I mean, it's way closer to my kind of personality anyway. And I actually thought- That's how you laugh. Yeah, I actually thought, I thought he was better than Sally Arie. I mean, Sally Arie had a lot more nuance. Yeah, but I love his performance.
His name is Tom Holsey. But Mozart. Tom Holsey.
Yeah. Do you know who else he is? Not that you'll care. Like in an animal house or whatever? He is an animal house, but he's also very famously the voice and the singing voice of Quasimodo in Hunchback to Notre Dame. Oh, nice. Yeah.
I saw that.
He's definitely a guy that I thought was, I thought he was in more stuff, but then I didn't really recognize his name and he didn't like, I guess maybe animal houses, the other things that I remember. Yeah, he has transitioned into being a very successful producer, especially a Broadway shows. He was one of the original producers on Spring Awakening, which like doesn't mean anything now, but at the time was like a huge cultural thing and like ran for tons of years and he made like lots of money off of that. He's got good taste. He like, he produces a lot.
You know, that's, and can you, can you get a little hashtag that says Tom Holsey update? Tom Holsey, where is he now? If you got that. We're Holsey now. Where Holsey now? Yeah.
What's happening?
Oh, I was like, oh no, I'm creating a surprise. This is all I could type in the time allotted. Why you know. I'm Holsey, why you know now? So that's what you get.
I don't know where Jesse's going. I assume to get a pedicure for his gorgeous, veiny, wounded pods.
Did we ever use that foot in a sketch? Where'd that foot come from? Use that? You may have. I was gonna say, I had that in college too. Why did everybody have this weird foot? I used to have, my roommates and I used to have like a big Halloween party. So I have a lot of body parts, including, check this out.
That's pretty cool.
So, there we go. Well. That's good. So here's what I was gonna say.
I think Salieri for sure is who I more identify with, but it's less that I'm frustrated about other people, I suppose. Like I'm not like, obviously I'm not envious of either of you. Yeah, me either. Me neither. No. You knew how many feet I had, you'd be envious. I'm really not upset about, yeah, there's really nobody that I'm looking at that I'm like, oh, if I could only have their life and their talent, though, you know, whatever.
If I could be more talented, that'd be great. And more about how like the crushing weight of capitalism makes it so hard or something like having to go, you can't just do things and be successful. You can't just, I mean, I suppose if you had the unlimited talent of Mozart, you could just show up and be like, I'm gonna break the law. And they're like, well, you are very talented. So do whatever you want. That's the thing I want is the freedom to be able to make things without having to make money or like having to make money for other people or being worried constantly about what to, for example, the 12 year old girl demographic ones, which is a thing.
Although I will say Mozart was constantly plagued with money worries. The whole family overspent and he did not make a ton of money on his projects. And some of them were just like outright not hits, hits. And so even though he is not worried about money, his wife is quite frequently very worried about money.
So much so that at least in the movie, we get a scene with tits. I did like that. That Jordan missed. I mean, I like in life, I'm a fan. Big fan of those, big fan of those. Seen them once, seen them both. But I haven't seen those, but. No, and you're gonna, I just wanna say you will be impressed.
Yeah, no, Salieri in sort of like in an attempt, something that I also like about the movie. I think that the theatrical cut is excellent. And when I tell people to watch the movie, I tell them to watch the theatrical cut. I don't, I'm not like, you gotta watch the director's cut. I think director's cut is great, but I don't think the movie is like better off for it necessarily. And one thing I do like about the movie, including the director's cut is that like, even though Salieri is trying to take advantage of a moment where he could get one up on Mozart and be like, ha ha, see, you slept with my star student who I was in love with.
So I'm gonna like embarrass your wife, whatever it is. He still can't go through with it because ultimately he's like a man of God. And like, just a person who knows that this isn't actually gonna make his life any better. Like he still has the awareness to know that this isn't going to actually soothe his bruised ego. He's just acting out and being kind of a dick in the moment, but that like sleeping with his wife isn't gonna make him a better songwriter or make Mozart a worse one. And so he's not actually gonna get what he wants and get one up on him. He's just gonna be miserable.
And also I slept with his wife. I wanna treatment of Amadeus that it's like face off where Salieri has to mimic Mozart's lovemaking ability.
That's what I want, I don't know. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I was just gonna wait, see if anybody had any thoughts on that.
I will say the novelization of face off, I don't know if you watch any of these videos where I read it to the audience, but it is intense how hard he goes with, I can't remember, Caster goes with, I don't remember anybody's name, with the other guy's wife. And he like, his tongue turns like butter. She is the Incas and he's like the Conquistadors. It's very weird, it's like a little racist and like very just, you know.
Nothing kills your mood for like a week than reading a bad sexy scene. I was fine, I could keep going. No, like there are full books I've like put down and been like, I don't think I'm gonna get through this one. When you see the way the author chooses to represent anything sensual. Jonathan Franzen's freedom, that one's fucked up. I don't know that one. Don't read it, it's really long and fast, I hate it.
Jesse did, dude. I was gonna say Jesse did make a video of erotic fan fiction that is one of my favorite videos we've ever made and nobody's ever watched it. So that's unfortunate, but it's telltubbies getting it on and Snape is, you know, doing poop stuff. It's pretty great. Give it a watch, I got to, yeah, I got to inhabit Snape and telltubby in the same sexy scene.
And your accents, so good. I'm a regular Robbie Williams. In the scene in Mrs. Dafy where he pretends to be a hot dog and doesn't get a job. Yeah, rest in peace. Do, I mean, Jordan, you are a musician. Jesse, you are an enigma. Thank you.
How much of like, were there, how much about Mozart do you feel like you knew were songs you definitely knew going into this or was there anything you listened to where you were like, oh shit, that's Mozart. Like it was anything like, oh, cool. I know that song, obviously. I just had no idea it was Mozart. Legitimately, the JG Wentworth song that is taken directly from one of, I guess it was one of Mozart songs. I only did classical guitar for a little while. What if the JG Wentworth song?
I thought that was 877 Cash Now, but I guess it's not. Oh wait, all right, so it's like, Oh, oh God, you're frozen. Yeah, we didn't hear anything. That was so that, that was in the words of Salieri, that was God. Yeah, well, yeah, they didn't sponsor us. So we're not gonna sing or jingle, but maybe it is, maybe it is the Cash Now thing actually.
I thought JG Wentworth 877 Cash Now. Yeah, but isn't it JG Wentworth 877 Cash Now or whatever?
It is, I think. I think it is, yeah.
Mozart did anyway. Okay. That was, yeah, for sure, in the movie. But I don't really know anything about Mozart and there were definitely songs that I recognized, but I didn't, I would not be able to pick out the composer out of a lineup. Right. So actually Salieri got exactly what he wanted. Yes, look who's winning now. Yeah, like you are the person in the scene. If you were the priest, Salieri played two of his songs and one of Mozart and you'd still go, I... All the same.
Is this from an ad? I don't know why either. Do you know any Imagine Dragons?
Yeah, you could have stopped Salieri from trying to kill himself. He would have been like, I see, Mozart means nothing to the common man. Salieri starts playing.
Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Radioactive. You know that one? I wrote that.
He's still sick. He's playing on the piano on the harpsichord. Yeah, his whole plan is to get Imagine Dragons to write radioactive and then he'll kill them and then he'll play it at their funeral.
You see this, there's something about this movie that is like so rife for parody. It's like, it's so correct. And I've seen so many different parts of the movie parodied in different parts of pop culture. Family Guy Parodies, the play Salieri scene at the party and 30 Rock has a really great parody of the running with the mask, the scary doctor mask thing. And also the part where they're writing the thing at the end together. I don't know, it's just every time you see it, you're like, this is funny. It's always funny.
I don't know what to say. Oh man, we got another, people throwing money at us again. Remember in Titanic when Jack was cuffed up and the flooding started and Jack was telling Rose to use the ax, but first she practiced and failed.
Yes. Yep. Thank you. I do remember that. Actually, not to plug something that I'm completely and totally unrelated to.
If you are in New York City or the surrounding areas, Titanic is a must see. A must see.
What? Is it like a gender swap Titanic? It is a show that it's currently playing an asylum.
It is told through the narration of Celine Dion who says that she's actually was there on the Titanic. So it is the events of Titanic as told through Celine Dion with Celine Dion's music.
It is so fun and it does make fun of that exact moment. So I can't say your name because I can't pronounce your emojis, but you should see Titanic. This was the better joke. I feel like you've seen. Sorry, go ahead. Sorry, Irish Lover came up with the better joke that you should have done, Jesse, which is instead of Imagine Dragons, it should have been Nickelback. Although I think I was only talking about that in the comments, but it's a better callback. Salieri taking credit for Nickelback.
Yeah, but I still like the idea of him playing a radioactive. I think that's just, this is a really good match. Yeah, but if they were doing This Is How You Remind Me or whatever. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Imagine if they were doing- Good as a wise man. Yeah.
What if they did look at this photograph and then he'd have to explain what a photograph is. What a photograph is, exactly.
Yeah, I just, I don't know what to say.
I think this movie is basically perfect. It's like costumed well, written well, cast well.
It's really long. I can totally concede to that, but like not boring in its longness. It's just long.
That's great. If you have not seen it, if you're a band director didn't make you do it. If you were bad during the year and he made you like do worksheets at the end of the year instead of watching it, pick it back up. Get into it, you're gonna love it. And if you're one of those, if you're into delayed gratification, you could watch the director cut that's three hours so that you can get booby somewhere in the middle. Yeah. Probably worth it. I don't know, I didn't see it. If you wanna just like just pop in disc one and see if you're enjoying, it'll be in the front half of the movie, do you know what I'm saying? All right.
If you guys don't have anything else, the only thing I was gonna say is when we were talking about money and my sadness, I do think there's an interesting thing because you were mentioning that Mozart was perpetually in debt and didn't have money and stuff like that. I was reading this article yesterday about sort of the way that we think about money. It's actually tends to be less about the literal number because if you think about it, a single mother on welfare is actually way richer than a 13th century nobleman or whatever, but just from a material perspective, but they don't feel it. And a lot of like the accumulation of wealth is actually more of an accumulation of like security and self-worth and whatever. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I mean, when you look at them in the movie and she's like, Mozart, we're poor, Wolfie, we're poor, you have to take that job.
And he's just like rolling that one pool ball around on the table. And you're like, I mean, you have a pool table.
Your life seems like kind of great. Like their house is gorgeous. They have Cynthia Nixon working as they're made, you know.
Right, and I just, I think, yeah, anyway, he had sort of a distance from it that I think was interesting. Obviously it didn't help his life and it ruined a lot of things, but anyway. All right, let's throw it to the masses. I don't think Slack has been in here very much. I'm sorry if we miss some things. Brian, Brian's there. I see, but. I've got a couple of things.
Joseph mentions, I really remember the kiss my ass line. Strangely, as a musician and university in 84, I remember my 20th century music teacher at the time telling me, yeah, but Mozart wasn't really like that. Yeah, but Joseph, none of us were there, so we don't know. Well, he wrote stuff like that.
Sorry, says Slack, thanks. Do great Slack. Great, okay.
So, do you see yourself as Mozart's Salieri? We already did that one.
This movie taught me two lessons. The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long and never let your enemies outlive you. I think those are two good lessons.
You're implying that's your real life? I'm gonna kill Jesse so that my enemy won't outlive me. So, I find it. I'm gonna find some third way to burn a single candle and see if it works off the evil.
I think a different way to phrase that that's less candle-based is, you know, my dad and I have talked a lot. So, my dad is a graphic designer and is apparently one of the best around right now, which is one of the- My dad could probably out design your dad. I don't doubt it. It's just one of those things you don't really realize until you're much older and you're like, oh, are you like pretty good at this? You're getting your job. Mine, yeah. And a good drawer. I'm really hoping that my daughters aren't on a podcast some day in 30 years being like, my dad is like really good at dick jokes. Aww, I mean, I actually thought that was kind of cute. It's like, you know, I always thought they were fine. It would be such an honor for them to be like, our dad's really funny.
That would be so nice. It would be nice. He'll never say that, but it would be nice. They might say it.
I'm saying it about my dad. Not that he's funny, but that he's talented.
And basically this dichotomy of, you kind of get to, there are two things that you can be as a creative. You can be the young genius or you can be the old master. And you don't usually get to be both because the young genius is the Jimi Hendrix of the world who, yeah, they burned bright at the beginning, but the problem is that you just can't really sustain that kind of innovation. The kind of like, like Mozart, like thinking so outside the box all the time. It just sort of, it ends at some point. You just can't keep up and keep innovating because everybody else is innovating around you. And so those people just kind of trail off and that natural talent and that natural boundary breaking stuff just kind of dissipates at a certain point, which is fine. And then the old master is kind of the exact opposite where they will get really good at the form of the thing and able to learn the things that never change. Like you can write a good song and you can write that song forever. And these are the people that kind of the accumulation of their life allows them to become a master at certain point.
And I always think that's really interesting because I think young geniuses further and further in the rear view mirror. So we're putting all of our eggs. I'm still holding that to be a young genius.
Mozart's dead. You're dead. No, I'm not dead.
I do, I like that a lot. I like, I haven't thought of it in terms of young genius versus old master.
But what I've heard a lot is like a lot of times the best coaches just about any sport weren't really that good as players. They weren't the best players because an incredible player just knows how to do it. But somebody who's like a mediocre, or even a bad player spends a lot of time thinking about how to do it with, and are therefore able to communicate to other people how to do it well or how to do it better.
So that's a- There's also just like a specific kind of like love of the craft that some people just have and some people don't. And some people have natural talent and no real understanding of why things work. Which is like, which is also why some people who are like young geniuses don't have like a ton of longevity. And I don't even mean that necessarily as a, that's like a dis. But it's like somebody might have an unbelievable idea or ability to capture a moment or a generation's tone or something and have like a couple early works that nail that where they can like go off their like natural talent or whatever. But the minute somebody's like, hey, we're Disney and we wanna reboot blah, blah, blah. We'll give you so much money to do that. They find that their skills don't translate or they can't work within this blank system because like, that's just like not how their skills work. And some of the people who like write the most and sell the most scripts and are like just incredible at what they do and absolutely make more of a living than most people doing artistic things are people who do stuff behind the scenes. Who are just like incredible songwriters, who are ghostwriters, who just like were script doctors who like just save things but like don't like live in the public eye and just like kind of do it behind the scenes and are probably richer than the person who you're like, oh, if I can only have their life.
It's like, no, you want that guy's life. Like he knows what's up. Or Shane's. Yeah, I was gonna say.
I don't even know talented, maybe. I don't know any.
The jury's out, the jury's out. I like to think it could be possible. No, but yeah, I agree. And I was also gonna say for the athlete thing, you spend a lot of time on the bench watching everybody else. So you do get a little bit more of a holistic view of the game because you're not excelling at your position. You're like, oh, look, there goes Jeff, that's interesting. Yeah, I do wanna say one last thing before we go. Yeah, go ahead.
Which is that this movie got me into classical music and opera, like big time. I like saw this movie and was like, oh, I actually think I like love this. And then like I went to college not so long after. I think I watched this movie when I was like 15.
So like I was still taking things out of like the library and stuff at my music college and would like burn the CD to my computer, sorry. And so like, don't come from me, University of Michigan library.
And so like I've listened to like a ton of Mozart. And I've also listened to a lot of other classical composers because I wanted to expand my world. And I really honestly think Mozart's like the best.
And I don't mean that because like I saw the movie. That's a controversial take. I just mean like- A lot of Beethoven heads in the comments freaking out. I think there's like a sense that if like, if this movie hadn't been about Mozart, but it had been about Dvorak and said we'd all be Dvorak heads.
And it's like, look, I like it too. But like, it's not, when you hear his music, it is like, there is something innately special. He's like understanding of harmonics and melody. And that one speech that he has where he's talking about how like, if six of us are in a room talking, it's noise, but in opera, it's music. And I can hear what you're all saying and it all builds to make one greater piece. He's like, this is what opera is. This is why opera exists. Like, even if you don't like opera and you listen to his operas, they still, there's still something about it where you see that thread in it. Where if you watch somebody, listen to somebody else, you might be like, this is noisy.
This is over complicated. There's like, you know what I'm saying? It's kind of hard to put into words. I am also not like a music scholar. So I'm perhaps using like primitive language to talk about this. That's right. You're talking to a couple of primitive dudes.
I play guitar. I just think his music is like very, very special.
And I think the movie does a fun job sort of mythologizing him. And like, there's obviously stuff that's not true.
But at the core of it, you're like, this music do slap. And I do understand my people at parties would be like, yo, this K-331, first movement, turn it up. Allie, I don't know if you meant to, but you just came up with the perfect title, this music do slap. This music do slap, it really do.
All right, so let me get to a couple of these other ones. Yelling at me about the Leprechaun series review. So, you know, to be totally honest, probably the only way we're ever gonna get another review of movies in that style is if I put it on my personal channel. So if you- Mildly hate reviews. Hate reviews. Not reviews, the recaps, whatever you wanna call them.
If you do want that, you should like my channel because maybe someday I'll get my contract figured out and I'll put one there. Wow. Or one every month. Everybody go like his channel. Go do it.
And then go see Titanic. Dr. Jordan Breeding is the name. Who should be cast in a meatloaf biopic?
Jack Black. Good question. Jack Black is good. I mean, Jack Black is a really easy answer.
I think if we wanna go, if we wanna go like deep and like really throw somebody out there, I'd say Jesse Plummins. Ooh. I'm gonna say- See if you can sing. I'm gonna say Josh Gad, just to be annoying.
All right. It's a great movie from the stat humor to the rivalry. I think the scene where he complains to nobles about old legends named so lofty, they sound as if they shit marbles hilarious. It's a great line. How true. And sort of, it's interesting because he's sort of, right, that's that boundary breaking kind of anti-authoritarian thing. Yes.
And also like Mozart did write quite a few of those. Like one of them is Ida Mineo. And when you listen to it, it is boring. Like again, not to be the person who was like, he's amazing. But like when you listen to Ida Mineo and then you listen to Mayor de Figaro, one obviously has a lot more love in it. And also is what he was so good at, which is like dramatizing the common man as opposed to the, you know, Greek heroes. Exploits, yeah, exploits of like kings and heroes.
Yeah. Somebody gave us $20 just to say that I have a vinyl record titled, Mozart was a dirty old man and it has excerpts of his operas translated to English. That's awesome. That's great. They do magic flute in English here a lot at the Met.
They've kind of like narrowed it, like whittled it down to like 110 minutes and they do it for kids-ish at the Met, I think. Sign me up. In 250 years, there will be a drama movie about Nickelback's genius rejected by the common folk. That's the exact opposite.
They are very well accepted. They're one of the best selling bands ever. Historically, insanely have sold a bajillion. They are the saliaries of our time.
But they're at home going like, so I don't know, like Billie Eilish or something. Yeah, yeah. It's like YouTube burnout, I guess, whenever we were talking about being sad. I don't even really remember. Oh, Young Masters, I guess. Yeah, that's my thing now. All right, but Twist, we're all Young Masters, guys, we did it.
Thank you, Bray. Thank you so much.
Brooklyn Glasses. They said that because you showed feet, but you know. You got some Young Masters feet. I got the feet of a 20-year-old.
Devin Byman, my stupid best friend, says, do you think that Mozart would still choose to use a harpsichord with the current instruments available? No. Absolutely. No, he would.
Moving on. Locomadman says, no one with any talent, we're gonna run out of time, created anything worthwhile after 32. Even Einstein spent the rest of his life refining the work he already started before he was 32. So Jesse, how do you feel about that? What did I do when I was 32?
Probably, you were writing for Mod Night. I feel like it was before Mod Night, so great. So my best work was like my 301 commercial parody that sucked, so great. I reject this. I got a year to make just the best meat tied up in a pub, talking about leprechaun movies.
Really gotta hurry up. What about Henry Winkler? That guy's doing his best work right now. Bach would- Yeah, I know. And also, if anybody's reading this who's already taking my seriously, that's insane.
All the best books were written by people who were in their late 30s. Literally every single one, that's good. But books are like movies, but worst.
I don't know if you have ever watched this podcast. Bach would go absolutely, if Bach listened to one song by Emerson Lake and Palmer with those insane synths that go like doo-dee-doo-dee-doo-dee-doo. That man would lose his fucking mind. Yeah, but that's literally the plot of the third Bill and Ted movie. He finds, isn't it Bach? It's one of them. Basically, he finds a bunch of synths and he plays, I mean, it's not the plot of the movie that happens. He would love it.
The bad thing about classical music is that when you forget the title of the song you love, you're like, yeah, it's the one with the piano and the flute in it. Yeah. Yes. Ditto to even songs you love love. You're like, but what movement? Because it's like concerto, piano, and flute. And you're like, is it Adagio?
Yeah, it's really a fan of the book. Okay, Trevor Moore is a comic genius, is an excellent one. Because once again, I would like to say that we are gonna have hopefully the director of Barbarian, which is the recent horror movie that just came out directed by Zach Craiger, who is a former, whitest kid you know. And actually, Trevor Moore lived in my hometown for a long time and his parents know my parents. And anyway, all right, we're gonna do alternate titles before people get, they say too many things. I don't really have one, but I do wanna, I'm sorry, but I do wanna call out that one of my favorite Amadeus jokes is from 30 Rock where in an act of revenge, Tracy uses Liz's account, maybe he's living in her home to only watch porn movies. And she's going, Amadouas? And he's like, it's the porn parody of Amadeus. But I really love Amadouas, I think about that a lot. Trevor Moore's mom was our art teacher.
Wait. No way! Wait, me too? I don't remember that.
Wow, hashtag me too. Hashtag me too.
And also fun fact, my sister took Trevor Moore's mom's job at the school at some point. She became the art teacher. Not anymore, she got a degree. Anyway, oh cool, so Trevor Moore's mom taught me art. And that's why you're so good at it now.
Did not stick, I'm the worst artist in our whole family. All right, Jessie, give us some old titles because Ally has none. Sorry.
All right, I got. Mozart of the Deal. Why not Mozart of War, that's faster. Yeah, okay, that's fine too.
The patron saint of mediocrity.
That's a great line. That was his last little, I love the little tangent is going on at the end. The scat man. Hot cross fun. I think that's it.
When you can write these down in like your notebook? Yeah, I wrote them down. I always write them down.
These are originals. He only does one, he only ever does one pass. They come to him fully formed. Wow. He never does edits. He's like, I don't even need them.
They're all in my noodle. But I write them down anyway. Girl, yeah. Yeah. I'm the Mozart of all titles. Okay, mine were just nipples of Venus. Mediocrity's everywhere, which is the same moment. But he just says, the acroty's everywhere as he's going through like. I absolve you. Yeah. So the mediocrity's. And then Lechmich im Arsh, which I don't speak German, but that says like my ass in German. Cause that's a thing that Beethoven wrote to people. He also wrote, I want to shit on your nose and watch it drip down your chin. Great.
He said a lot of things that he shouldn't. Man needs more fiber in his diet.
All right, we got Rock Me Amadeus, which is a song. We got Mozart and Salieri's infinite classical playlist.
Wow. My man. Wow, I think we found your soulmate. Powdered wig, rockstar. Pretty much so.
The prestige, but with pianos. Yes, there are twins in this movie. Cloning in this movie.
When Mozart pops up out of the, under the stage. Out of the piano. Salieri's been cloning himself.
All right. Scatman origins. Very cool. Love it. That's good too.
Do you guys know, oh, this is for a different day. Do you guys know the Scatman, the actual musical artist? Do you know his story? Oh, it's red. He actually has a stutter and that's why he got really good at scatting, but then he died young and that sucks. Oh, not 35, I hope. Young Genius? Was he in the 27th club?
Shoot. Don't even try.
You're no Scatman. No, I'm not. I'm not a Scatman. Scatman origins.
I'm proud of it. All right, whatever. We're done. Should have been done a long time ago, probably.
So we're live streaming every Thursday at four and we may end up having to record this separately to deal with somebody who, yeah, is more important than us. But the goal is to watch Barbarian for next week. I'm gonna go watch it tonight. And if it's not a live stream, I'll do it as a premiere so you can still say all of your horrible, stupid things in the chat. Ooh, yeah. And next week is that, we do an audio version of this, if you would rather do that. So you can stop complaining that you've been watching a video for too long. You can just listen for too long, I got intended. And if you wanna recommend a movie, sometimes I remember to post a form where you can do that. Sometimes I don't, just yell it and somebody will do it. Somebody wants to ask, are we gonna do Clerks Three?
Well, I've never seen the first two. I'm sure they're JSC's favorite movies. No, I actually never, I've never, that's another blind spot of mine. I will say, at a fairness, we have watched The Raid 2, which is basically Jordan's favorite movie. We've watched Johnadeus, which is my favorite movie. We have not ever watched one of Jesse's faves besides the blind man. You've not watched Blightman? I thought we watched several favorite, like Jesse has picked movies. I don't think you've ever been like, this is it, this is the one. Okay, well, what is the movie, Jesse?
I don't know, I don't even know. That's a tough one, it's a tough one. Oh boy. Here I am trying to volley one up for you to just spike it over the net.
I don't think I would say that it's my favorite movie ever. I just, I picked by genre. It's definitely my favorite action movie.
Well, think about it, Jesse. Think about what you've done. Yeah, think about it. Well, think about it.
We have done Howard the Duck, by the way. Yes, and we never will again. It's on audio only. Yeah, so there are several episodes that we've done that you cannot find as videos because we started doing it audio only and we made $0 and now we make like $20 to $30 and it's just like, it's blowing up and we're just spending money faster. You know, we're Mozarting over here. I am laying sick in my bed all day, just dictating while Jesse pours coins on me. So, I don't know what the point of that was.
Allie, where can we find you? Now that you're married, can we find you in a registry? No, at Mrs. Alice Nutting, no. You can find me at Mrs. Alice Nutting.
I'm sitting in with a good improv team tonight if you guys wanna come see an improv show. Where you at, where you at? The Pit Loft, seven o'clock. You know, stuff like that. I'm back at work. You can find me teaching kids, doing the things, you know how it goes. I just started improv two at Big Blue Door.
Wow. In Charlottesville, Virginia.
They say it's the second city of- Yes, Dr. Hose, improv and pizza. Dr. Hose, humble improv.
Yep, something like that, you go. Jesse, when you come to Richmond, I'm gonna drive you to freakin', to Dr. Hose. Yeah, I would like to see that. I would really like you to go there and tell us your story.
We'll livestream it. Please. Yeah, we can livestream it. We can't live life.
Wait, who was I talking to recently about offline podcasts? Was that you, Jesse, last week? Oh yeah, I think so, yeah. Another name for friendship is an offline podcast.
That's funny. I like that a lot.
Anyway, so what I was gonna say though is that you can find me at the underscore J underscore breeding. And if you ever wanna see a recap of mine ever again, you gotta follow me on Dr. Jordan's breeding on the YouTube. So find me and follow me.
There's nothing there for you to really watch except a video that Devin and I made 15 years ago. Whoa. That's when you guys were still young geniuses. And it's very apparent that we were going places.
And that's it. We should just go. So goodbye, everyone. Bye. Get on outta here. Bye. |
cracked | the_terrifying_conspiracy_behind_early_90s_kids_toys_nickelodeon_s_gak_parody | What is Slurm? Slurm is disgusting. Slurm's a mess and messy fun. Uh, Slurm?
Yeah! Um...
Slurm's are here! Slurps are weird! Slurps are burpy! Slurps are not appropriate. Slurps are bouncy!
Look at me, look at me, you okay? Are you a professional? You gonna be a man? Give me one of these. Do that. Yeah, alright, no, we're good.
Then listen for the grappling sound. Keep your ear out to it for at least 30 seconds until after the crackling starts to match.
Cut. I liked it. Slurm! Et cetera. One more for safety. Hi there.
I've asked you to subscribe before, and you have subscribed. And in honor of that, I want to now give you a gift. I want to read you some of my erotica.
Raul took off his shirt in the stables. His chest was bangin'. She looked at it and said, Raul, your chest is bangin'. Next, he went for his pants. It was the button-down kind, not the fly.
So it took a little longer than normal. She sat and waited. Three, said the horse. |
dropout | where_s_the_remote | No, no, no, really, it's pronounced Uranus. What's the joke? It's not a joke, that's my point. It's the Greek god of the sky. I don't understand why it's so burning.
Watch the documentary and see how they say it. Have you seen the remote?
Nope. Huh. Okay. I can't find it, are you sure it's not on your side? Yeah, I'm sure. Stand up. Oh, you don't trust me? No, no, no, no, no, come on. Of course I do. Good. Yeah. So, uh, stand up.
Why don't you trust me? I do trust you. That's how I know you have nothing to hide. If we agree, then I have nothing to prove. I think you should just stand up. I think you should just trust me. Well, I don't. Okay, and I have every right to, because you're clearly wrong.
Right, because I'm so blind, I wouldn't see remote control when I sat down. No, it's because you're so stupid, I don't think you would feel it if it was sticking you in the ass. You're right. It's more likely that you left it in another room. You sound like a full-blown moron right now. It's probably behind the pillows. Oh, now it's behind the pillows. You're right. My ass grew hands and tucked it behind the pillows. Yeah, I think your ass sprouted hands. I think you're just bad at looking for things.
Fine. Fine? Help me look. You just want me to stand up. No, no, no, no. Just stay put until your little remote control hatches like the world's dumbest hand. My ass is not a hand. All right.
Don't do this. You brought this on yourself. I don't like this.
Huh. Well, dum-dum. Looks like it was right in front of you the whole time. Oh, look at that. You found the blue rig of remote.
Stop. Stop it. Don't you hit me. Stop that.
Look at this. Can you read it? Yes. It says Phillips. Yes. What is the television saying? Samsung.
You illiterate piece of shit. Don't you say something. Stop this. What? That was crazy, huh? You know I didn't mean any of that, right? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's the one night a year we get to watch movies. Of course, we are understandably going to be a little bit... Okay, so the batteries... Yeah, the batteries are a little low.
I'll just pop over to the store. Sure. Yeah, yeah. I'll stay here. All right.
Where's my keys? I don't know. Where's my keys?
You're going by what I know. I want all the sugar. Get me in your pocket. It's always the last place you look, right? I mean...
Where's my glasses? I'm not telling him about those. Crash! |
cracked | we_gender_swapped_basic_instinct_and_everybody_should_go_to_jail | Look, I don't know that anybody is out here claiming basic instinct with all its ice picks to the brain and vulvas to the audience's eyeballs as some paragon of tasteful, thoughtful filmmaking, but it's definitely trying to say or at least do something, and that something gets a lot more interesting with a male femme fatale, a hymn fatale, if you will. Because here's the thing, Hollywood's got some weird assumptions about masculine and feminine roles, and to be honest, maybe we all do. So let's uncross Kevin Tramiel's hairy legs and see how that makes us feel. I'm curious if we'll notice anything interesting besides a surprise hog. You're watching Gender Swap, I'm Allie, and this is Basic Hymnstinked. With some movies, it makes sense to go scene by scene, exploring how a gender swap might change the vibe.
But the plot of Basic Instinct is just an endless carousel of sex scene, murder, car chase, Michael Douglas yelling at a woman, until the final scene is sext. So let's just start by grabbing the most memorable basic moment, that is, Sharon Stone's character is infamous...spreading, wherein she sensually confuses a room of male detectives by briefly revealing she forgot her undies that morning. This is distinct from the 35 other scenes where she's also fully nude, but we can't see up inside her body. The male version of this is some skeezy dude whipping out a snake midinterrogation in front of a couple female detectives, like Lyndon B. Johnson giving a press conference. The vibe changes from sensual misdirection to sexual harassment power, like, check out my swinging dong, clearly I'm in charge here.
It's nice.
Also, have you ever seen a movie with five female cops in the same shot, especially with no male cops around? And if you have, it probably stars Melissa McCarthy, and oh, look, she just fell on the floor. And she sh**s off. But again, Sharon Stone's commando character is this classic fin fatale, like we often find in hard-boiled detective and or film noir...films.
It's practically a genre prerequisite to include a handful of lusty ladies sporting both vaginas and legs and stretch from aisles. Um, the legs stretch from aisles, not the... And in this, and every other noir, those sexy legs are almost always used to seduce good men into doing terrible things.
But it's not like film noir birthed this archetype. Since we've been writing stories, female characters have largely been pigeonholed into one side of what's called the Virgin Horror Complex, also known as the Madonna Horror Complex. Or, if most of your pop culture references come from the 90s, the Madonna Madonna Complex.
Hey!
The female characters are almost always either untouchable, sexless beauties, or sexually available, immoral homewreckers. And a thousand years later, movies, which are like books but better, still mostly depict women who use their sexuality to achieve a certain outcome as essentially always evil. Or at least incredibly conflicted. Their husky voice, red-lipped sex appeal is the entire source of their power. And evidently, their naughtiness, because this isn't a two-way, rain-soaked back alley.
There's no male version of this complex. No incel chad complex.
In fact, attractive flirtatious movie men with dicks that stretch for miles are basically always the hero. James Bond skillfully uses his little pee-pee seven to turn villainous beauties the light side. Bond may later use his more literal pee-pee seven to shoot those beautiful women into beautiful corpses, but they deserved it. Whereas men can use their rippling pecs and overwhelming chest hair for the good of humanity, overt female sexuality can only be used to destroy.
Basic instinct ends with Michael Douglas penetrating Sharon Stone so good that she decides not to murder him, or presumably, anybody else. He literally heals her with his dick. This never happens in reverse. If a man gives in to a sensuous woman, the scene exists to demonstrate how far he's fallen. Sharon Stone's sexy voice causes Michael Douglas to backslide into drinking again and becoming an even worse cop, until, eventually, he's bailed out by the aforementioned penis redemption.
Now, some of this naked bedtime powerplay stuff stems from the true history of sex espionage. As early as the 1920s, Russians were using Valerinas to have sexy spy sex with important marks, in order to elicit valuable information, alongside less valuable, um... juices. The Russians aren't the only ones with attractive ladies, known as sparrows, of course, and the past 100 years of spycraft have been absolutely moist with their... field and bedwork. But there are several examples throughout history of men, called ravens, also sleeping with the enemy for information.
It's basically a reverse Michael Jordan, Mia Hamm Gatorade ad campaign, but sweatier. So again, why don't we see those hunks in noir movies? Well, for two reasons, and before you say anything, no, both reasons aren't testicles. The first seems to be an assumption that men can't help but have sex with anything that walks within 10 feet. And why is this in so many movies?
It's so pessimistic about men. Our stalwart hero is tested with every trial known to man, and yet the one thing that brings him down is the puss? Is it because filmmakers assume it's the one thing every man thinks they'd actually fail at? Or that it'd be okay to fail at? Like, well, I don't know how I'd fare in a space laser battle with the fate of the world on the line, but if I see a solid seven in a trench coat, I know I'm gonna fail so hard. Like, even when a character is succumbing to the siren call of ultimate power, the way that we know he's gone too far is when he has some sex he probably shouldn't. It's like every writer is sitting in their office just saying, yeah, pussies do make you crazy. It's just such a depressing view to hold about men, right?
Again, in basic instinct, Michael Douglas literally just rapes an ex-girlfriend as she walks in the door and the movie kinda moves on from there. Like, sure. The movie suggests it's not a nice thing to do, but also, what was the alternative?
He's a boy. What self-control could he possibly muster in the face of a woman literally just standing there?
But the second reason for a him-fatale free world could be that a majority of those ravens actually slept with men. After all, men historically were more likely to hold positions of power and privilege, and this may shock some viewers, but some of them were maybe... gay.
I bet you got him in here as a honey dick just in case I'm gay, but I'm not. But if I was, I would've seen him coming a mile away. You honey dickin'?
Unfortunately, nobody wants to make that movie. Maybe because they assume we wouldn't want to watch it?
Red Sparrow, which is literally about this whole historical concept, does show us a raven character who presumably will sleep with men as well as women for spy purposes, but the movie doesn't follow him. It follows Jennifer Lawrence, because that's the kind of lady sex the people want. Give the people what they want! Basic instinct advantages to include as many as three women that murder, or attempt to murder, because they're just too gay to function. Apparently audiences can handle a female switch hitter. There's no murder in baseball. But maybe asking for gay hymphatals is getting ahead of ourselves, because, again, we don't have straight examples either. There's no mainstream movies where a sexy hunk seduces a woman into murdering his wife for him.
Or whatever. Partially, this is probably because, just like with the sadder shit or parts of history, we don't really highlight powerful female protagonists in general. Much less complicated heroines doomed to break bad. So no good hero woman, no bad villain man, I guess. But okay. This may not be the most progressive take ever, but I think partially these roles continue to exist and actresses continue to flock to them, because they actually kind of rule. The only other option is to play the sad housewife sitting at home as her husband succumbs to his vices. Who wouldn't prefer to play a sexy villainess?
Although if we think about it this way, there is sort of a male analog in superhero movies. High profile male actors keep flocking to the MCU not to play the next Captain McBee steaks, but as arch nemesis, impossible vegan boy. Josh Brolin, Christian Bale, Willem Dafoe, and dozens of other heavyweight actors were apparently attracted to what promised to be a good, fun time, ham it up as a supervillain, intent on destroying all life because of, you know, reasons. Of course, the comparison only goes so far since Thanos isn't sporting a speedo in an effort to woo Captain America into bed before gaslighting him into murdering Nick Fury's other eye.
Or whatever. Well, except on certain dangerous parts of the internet. So okay, maybe instead of doing away with the femme fatale entirely, we should just try and also write other kinds of more nuanced female roles that break out of the virgin horror complex. Who wouldn't want Captain Marvel to bang Jude Law before blowing him up with hand lasers just because she can? Prove to me you can fuck me with that! And also, honestly, maybe we could get more nuanced male roles that show them having a little more control of their dicks. Sex and sexuality can and should exist in films without it automatically leading to male downfall or female redemption. Why not a little male redemption or a little female downfalling, huh? Or even better, maybe occasionally characters can just get down because that's what real people do.
I hear. I mean, I don't. I'm as pure as the driven snow.
Made you look!
Do you feel, um, do you feel sensually misdirected? I don't know what you're talking about, Officer. Maybe you can tell me what I'm talking about, Officer. And you feel sensually misdirected. Hey, newbie, c'mere. Listen, uh, you and I are on duty tonight, we gotta go in there and we gotta interrogate that guy. I just want you to know.
Two lady cops? Neither of us are Melissa McCarthy.
That guy's gonna get his fuck out. Hey, I'm Chad. Ironic, cause I'm here to talk to you about the Incel Chad Complex. Now, this goes all the way back to medieval literature, where you would identify as the Incel Merlin or the Chad King Arthur. This has permeated our culture and all of our media for as long as we've lived.
But you don't know it, cause you're too busy. Tryin' to fuck. |
TheOnion | Joad_Cressbeckler_NASA_Honeyfuggling_America_With_Nonsense_Space_Dreams | Hush up, something's stinking up the whole cabin. Must be something in my varmint trap, so let's see what I snag. Your longest man's been hunting coons by starlight.
He's been looking up and shouting, I wanna go on that moon. And we did, cause we said we would. But now these space princes are going around demanding all the greenbacks the cow can carry so they can keep gallivanting in their rockets till the sedated spring from the mud.
Well, it's time Molly Coddle and her bright pink parasol got ripped off a shitter and made them smell their own business. I'm getting joined by Ellie Granderson. She's gonna put a feminine scope on these least courteous star buggers and give us her lady pinion, Ellie. Hi, Joe. You know, it riles me up every time you walk in here, Ellie. You set my blood to dancing with all your pillowy parts. Oh, stop it, Joe. Now give it to me, no-fimble-fimble, Ellie.
When we start dusting these rocket boys' lily white bottoms with baby puff? Joe, since the end of the Cold War, NASA has basically functioned as a giveaway to the American aerospace industry, wasting trillions of taxpayer dollars every year on extravagant programs with no tangible benefit. Finds a plum to look at and hold a sense of a bad duty boot. Joe. Now I've been thinking on, I got these three little chickens pecking on my head while saving NASA some coin. One, no more building giant space pranks while we're pissing on the cosmos. Man wants to go to space, can strap on a helmet, climb in the cannon, let the Chinese gunpowder carry him off among the stars. That's right, Joad. The average manned space mission costs $15 billion. Two, enough with your silly spearmint selling us a fantasy of plants we'll grow without water. Yes, Joad, let's help the Americans at home before we move on. Three, you grab some of them green spacemen, slice them heads of bread, and let them know it's Joe who done it, if the lady think it's proper, of course. I think maybe there's a job at NASA for you, Joad.
Well, thank you, Ellie. She's pretty, but she won't be having old Joad, not even on her barest mountain. And I'm still a troll to old Margaret, so let's bring her out. Sorry, Margaret, you know how I get it.
It's just these sky flies and Federals getting my blood up, so. Why can't everything be like it was the Welton County Fair?
You remember that? When you went and got your ice cream all over my bean coat and I lost my temper? You didn't deserve what you got.
But I just gotta live with that for the both of us. That's my cross, Madge. Now come back now. Gonna skin a fox in one throat and you're gonna fancy on it. |
dropout | i_don_t_see_race | Man, there were so many incredible super-diverse movies last year. Diverse movies? Yeah, like Moonlight or Lion, Hidden Figures and Fences, movies that didn't just feature white people.
So interesting. I never really thought about that. Really? Even after the whole Oscar's so light thing and all the articles written about it?
Call me crazy, but I just don't see race. I guess I'm just the least racist person in the pair. Oh, okay. It's often a pretty obvious thing to observe. It's not racist to notice. I had to laugh. Zach, oh my goodness, I only see one race.
Ugh. The human race. Such bullshit.
You're only telling yourself that so you don't have to think about racism or confront your own prejudices. No, I'm not prejudiced, okay? I don't even judge trap for being a woman. I'm a man, Katie. You know that. No. Honestly, I just guessed.
This is gonna sound nuts, but I don't see gender and I don't see sex. I just see people. You don't see how men and women look different. No, I just see, like, shapeless blobs walking around. Okay, and if one of those shapeless blobs were pregnant, you would then know that it was a woman. To me, it could just be, like, a heavyset man who has, like, a big watermelon stomach.
Okay? I just am so committed to equality. I'm just a good person.
Unless you're blind, you can tell that people have inherent differences. Oh, I wouldn't know if I was blind or not, because I don't see disabilities. I'm not a monster.
So, if someone were in a wheelchair, you wouldn't be able to see the wheelchair. I have never seen a wheelchair. You've never seen a wheelchair. I don't know what a wheelchair looks like. If someone were in a wheelchair, you would not install a ramp in your building.
I would refuse. What if someone was missing a limb? It's perhaps tucked under their little butt. If someone were deaf. Talk to them as if they could hear.
Why are you so proud of yourself? Okay, well, here's a thought. Maybe you don't get it because you have less experience on Earth than I do. Experience? We're all older than you. I'm sorry, but I don't see age. Oh, come on!
You're telling me if there was an old woman and a baby, you wouldn't be able to tell which one's older? One of them is called an old woman. It's in the name, Katie.
No, because I believe in equality, and I believe everyone has the same age. That's not what equality means.
You have two older brothers. Can you at least acknowledge that? Yes, and I believe both women are my same age. Oh my god. What about your parents? How old were they when they had you? I think they are both ageless and every age at the same time. Jesus Christ, Katie.
What else can you see? Pretty much everything.
Bald-less, for example. So, Bruce Willis? Is he bald? He's famously bald.
I have no idea. Katie? Guys, come on, okay?
I just want to be able to do and say whatever I want, whenever I want, and I don't want to have to think about the world's problems. That actually sounds pretty good. I mean, I guess I can understand that. Good way to live. And a private message to me. |
TheOnion | Red_Sox_Announce_Plans_To_Return_Fenway_To_Original_1912_Conditions | Red Sox Nation was thrilled today by news that Fenway Park will undergo a massive antiquation project to restore the ballpark to its original 1912 design. For more, let's talk to Onion Sports Network's senior baseball analyst, Jim Ridgeway. Hey, Mark. Jimmy, the organization's really embracing the Fenway faithful sense of tradition, huh? Yeah, absolutely. Look, the Red Sox fans don't need some shiny new ballpark with seats facing the field or leg room. They went Fenway the way they were remembering it. Sight lines and fire exits be damned. The Boston fans love their nostalgia.
That's why they're reinstalling the old splinter bleachers. Exactly. They're twice as narrow as what they have now, and high rollers will be able to sit in premium seats behind one of the extra girders placed throughout the grandstand. Yeah, and it's not just the seats, though.
Yeah. And I love the fact that they're bringing back the hall. Well, purists have been asking for that hold back ever since it was filled in way back in 1991. That's right. And the organization is making changes to the equipment as well. That's right.
The Sox will also ditch the regulation ball and replace it with a rock-filled horse bladder wrapped in butcher's paper like they used in the old days. Can't wait to see Wakefield make that horse bladder dance.
Classic. Strict dress code, too, right? Yeah, that's right.
Male fans won't be let in the park unless they're wearing a bowler three-piece suit and thick mutton chops. Then ladies will have to wear no fewer than three petticoats. No more pink Sox hats.
And of course, there'll be no blacks. That's right. They'll ask the major league team to integrate, and they'll honor Tom Yawkey's legacy with no black players, no Latinos, no Japanese.
And other social detritus will be seated in a special section, right? Yeah, it's affectionately being called the cage. Yeah. Jew fans and cripples will be herded in during the third inning and allowed to leave only three hours after the game ends. Soak in that Fenway atmosphere.
Will do, Mark. All right, thanks, Jim.
Next up, Jay Cutler demands a trade after none of his teammates attend his piano recital. |
CrackerMilk | planting_an_undercover_cop_in_our_house | podcast crack milk is podcasting now available on Spotify and all major streaming platform all major out retailers like toy store toy toy world mr. toys toys podcast now out now mr. toys toy world toys are in while it's hot you know what else you can get a mr. toys toy world and or toys are us what's that toys oh that's right I know I'm a man that works at I'm just gonna go toys are us hey I'm an employee here at toys are us name is Dan oh yeah look I'm 33 and I still work at toys are us I got this job when I was 16 my mom said you got to earn some extra cash go work at toys are us is it okay I'll work on a part-time basis while I study at school that'd be cool and I did that and now I'm still doing that but I'm finished with school so I really like toys okay yeah what kind of toys is your favorite I like the ones from Toy Story we have the whole Toy Story range here we have dinosaur we have sausage dog yeah have pig Jeff pay have potato man we have wheezy penguin the options are limitless hey do you know something like man I love toys and let me tell you something about how how much love toys I don't just want to play with toys I want to be in it with the toy I want to be in the thick of it experiencing what a toy would experience some toy roleplay I want a roleplay with the toy I want the toy to feel like it's a part of me and I'm a part of it well have I got the thing for you right here look in front of you mate yeah I got it from the set of hereditary if you if you go inside there yeah you can fulfill your wildest dreams of being a Toy Story toy by the way yeah I was about to say mate just wanted to clarify I only work at Toys R Us and I'm not a cop what what he's not a cop I'm not a cop I'm just putting out there I'm not a cop I think he's just making it clear that he's not a cop because people can be like the audio listeners kind of his microphone on his belly it fell off you can probably hear it we're here and fumbling with the microphone anyway I'm not a cop so he's not a cop why are you telling us that because it's important you know I'm not a cop what I feel like if you want a copy wouldn't why aren't you telling me you're not a cop as far as I know you guys are cops I'm not a cop you're a cop I'm not a cop okay all right none of us are cops none of us are cops wink what did you say wink I was just aware that they're all listeners let me tell you something man look at me when we get in there bad things can happen toys are not high on the food chain man actually you're all gonna be toys in there so it's quite a level playing field can come in and fondle with us dude you won't be followed by a little boy you're my best mate thanks man I'm gonna support you out there no matter what happens thanks man that really means a lot to me right now in front of a cop I'm not guys we're in we're in Tasmania in the year 1990 where it's still illegal to be gay so it's illegal to say again is it illegal for toys to kiss well how about you very shrink that into the house and I'll join you now you can be whatever whatever toy story toy you want to be also I'll also be one I'm and I'm the dinosaur Frank hey Frank how's it going oh yeah I'm not a cop Frank's not a cop can we kiss now cuz we're toys I don't want to kiss Weezy Sheriff Woods got better shit to do man let me tell you what are you a cop yeah sheriff is kind of like a copy sort of name yeah I'm a sheriff I'm a toy sheriff I'm sure that other toys behave and the ones that don't are hung there's a visit there's a sheriff would you you said you hang toys at a disobedient is that why Bo Peep isn't here look and he's coming quick become a toy it's me Andy I I'm taking I'm taking the Weezy can't and I'm throwing him in the bin good thing there's another toy right here that I was put back in the house hey it's me slinky for man he's gone and he's gone I'm fucking slinky the dog can't yeah slinky the dog can't yeah I was thinking the dog you're a dog come for fucking dog can't I'm slinky the dog in the boys all the time slinky so slinky if I had some mates around with some beers and I invited you around and you said mate on the desert on the designated driver oh fuck it's you would like a dog act yeah you know what else is dog I know you listen I'm gonna go to after I take those fucking beers man I'm gonna fucking take those beers anyway yeah what's up that is a dog move man you can't be fucking taking people's beers and a party I'm fucking known as a dog can't around here man so you just gotta get with it man you gotta fucking accept it hey you're a dog can't you're a fucking pig cop I'm not and I I'm sure I am dinosaur Frank who's not a cop we gotta find out what happened it by big man fuck yeah Bo Peep I mean I just want to really know cuz like she's a fucking sick man she's just to clarify you didn't hang her you didn't hang Bo Peep hey yeah what's up man I'm dinosaur Frank Frank what's up wait where do you think Bo Peep is what's your what's your what's your doggy nose smell my fucking dog you smell you smell her sheep I can smell some fucking shit in the air that's right man I can fucking smell some dog shit it's been going around down here man I made shit myself slick um slink that's might be overwhelming my smells slink you can yeah that's your ass you're smelling it's just next to you because there's a spring that's coil around your body right next to your head man fuck I'm sorry man dog fuck look do we have anything of Bo Peep's that I can fucking sniff maybe I have anything of Bo Peep's the slinking sniff why do you why do you yeah why do you have a fucking Bo Peep shit man when I was at the blue light disco yeah I was having a dance and then I gave her a kiss you fucking gave I've got on this clump of bloody hair and I've also got a handkerchief covered in snot and blood as well anything else I fucking take that blood and piss and snot fucking handkerchief I'll sniff that car I just promise me you're not gonna enjoy it ha ha ha yeah right give it here none of that stuff's incriminating so we needed still find where it is as a cop I'm not a cop but if I were a cop hey that's enough I'm just trying no I'm just trying to fucking get the same man it's very well been too much one more one more fucking hit and then I'll be good that's enough that's enough that's the link you need it's important you listen to this link yeah what's up so the point was you were made to track her down oh yeah yeah so is there a location completely forgot time for a second you go man yeah um maybe maybe let's go to the fucking sheriff's office maybe there's a little bit taking me down there but I feel like there might be some more evidence down there that I could take a peek at you know in the locker room like maybe there's like we agreed hang on what agreed yeah anyway can we kiss cuz you know fucking toys can kiss anyway let's fucking go five okay right where does the scent take us right it's taking us to fucking Andy's bedroom Andy's bedroom yeah takes the elevator yeah yeah every suburban middle suburban house has one elevator yeah oh yeah we're in the elevator now music see can't oh we're at the top this isn't Andy's room we're on the roof oh I guess maybe there's your nose smell anything out here yeah fuck it's like I'm picking up a fucking strong set up here man oh we better get outside dude fuck I think the neighbors are fucking smoking cones you smell Bo Peep up here any parts of Bo Peep nah we should just go check out the cones I yeah why do you say that I just really came to some coins right remember yeah sure okay let's go to the edge and then have a look over yeah as not a cop I think that you guys are in cahoots okay let's go to the edge I see it I see I see a dark patch that sort of looks like looks like a dead body he's wilted away here do you want to look closer at that yeah I'll just have a quick squeeze yeah no looks just like any other normal corpse that isn't Bo Peep you might know I have a quick skis yeah I reckon yeah what's that Slink Slink I remember you should go up to it yeah mind games I reckon you should go up to it and but not yet it looks like you didn't actually go up to the corpse I'll check again let me just have your eyes was shut when you did it I'll have a look this time okay yeah it's pretty good I reckon sheriff would you just did the exact same thing again let me try one more time and I'll check on yeah pretty good Slink would you like to have a look yeah I'll fucking slink on over come here mmm slink what's the smell like smells familiar right now what does it look like anything like anything like Bo Peep or anything to do with Sheriff would Oh slink yeah I bought you mate oh I bought you a fucking girl slinky man oh fuck yeah girl slinky sorry sorry fuck yeah man sorry I'll get back to the fucking body in a second oh look slinky's got a little lipstick man hey slinky you look like you don't want to be here nah I've just been smoking cones man yeah he's fucking next door told you I could fucking smell yeah I was next door smoking cones man yeah um do you smell that man good timing you should stay here distracted oh I can smell pigs man you smell big share it smell it's not where where do you smell it man oh I can't hear so I can't smell well when I can't when you're on the gear well yeah when you had me by that rope and I couldn't breathe earlier so yeah so yeah I was like hanging for a bit but I'm good slinky slinky slinky looks like you guys it looks like I might need protection I rather not hey okay well how about you just get down here mate I'd rather not it's like I need you to leave so the sheriff would get on his microphone and respond to this do we fucking deal with slinky don't know that's like you sheriff would yeah what's going on in our L takes off mask I am a call yeah yeah we know I was a cop this whole time guys you knew I thought you know you've been telling us you're not a cop the whole time and X so you throw you off the scene no you're a fucking dog man you're a pig man you're right honestly I'm asked I'm slink this whole time and you know who that is that's right I'm the fucking cop man he's a cop fucking kiss me come and this was a sting to get you to kiss him slink yeah that's right that's right you help me bury Bobby thank you for watching the cracker fuck thanks to thanks to our patrons who this week our stories yep toys they're all Toy Story toys getting kissed I don't know they're fucking all getting kiss their lips are pursed they're all kissing Toy Story toys thanks so much and you want to see more of this shit hop on to our patreon because that's where this all happens you make this happen as exclusive podcast for you on there if once a month we do a little poll thing where you vote on the theme it's fun yeah fuck yeah I miss my wife |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_goodfellas | You're gonna let him get away with that? You're gonna let this punk get away with that?
What's the world coming to? What the world is coming to?
How do you like that? Goodfellas Martin Scorsese's cinematic masterpiece about a group of New York mobsters who never play basketball is arguably the greatest gangster film ever made. Here are some facts that will change the way you watch Goodfellas forever. The screenplay for Goodfellas is loosely based on the book Wise Guy which is Martin Scorsese's memoir about the time he accidentally killed a bunch of his friends while trying to cook sausage. And there was Anthony Stabile How you doing? Frankie Carbone This is interesting. At the time Goodfellas was made it was considered polite to have all the characters say hello to the audience at the beginning of the film.
Freddie No-Nose Budget constraints force Scorsese to get creative in a lot of ways. To save money on extras the director let these old men rummage through his personal collection of yellow sweaters in lieu of payment. Scorsese also convinced this man to take half his salary in exchange for getting to show his belly in a movie. As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster. In interviews, Scorsese has said that he included the film's iconic narration to depict how gangsters are very rude and always talk while you're trying to watch a movie.
I'm funny how? I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you?
Any of you who went to film school will recognize this incredibly influential scene which is famous for the way in which Scorsese uses lamps to signal to viewers that the movie is taking place after the time of the dinosaurs when electricity has been invented. A technique he uses again here, here, here, and here. I said alright, I'll tell you something. Go fuck your mother. Check this out. Scorsese uses a panning shot in this scene to let everyone know that he's in charge and what he says goes even if it's incredibly stupid and doesn't work at all. Come on fuckos, let's go for a ride.
Of course, even the best pictures have their fair share of production errors like this shot where Scorsese completely forgot to go indoors before rolling the cameras. Or what about this scene where you can clearly see actress Lorraine Bracco spill a bunch of cocaine into a toilet. Whoops. Why did you do that? Scorsese wanted every actor in this scene to be very ugly to help draw focus downward to the mobster's beautiful shoes.
Stop those fucking drugs you're making your money through mush. This is interesting. My dad has this much money. Never ride on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.
Robert De Niro looks so upset in this scene because he wanted to bring his own ketchup from home, but Scorsese said no. Sorry Bob. On the film set, the director is king. These pills were Scorsese's clever way of letting Ray Leo to feed the lizard living in his brain without having to stop filming.
And now it's all over. That's all the Goodfellas trivia for now.
Hopefully this has given you a deeper look into one of the best cinematic experiences out there. See you next time. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_when_i_grow_up | Today on Bleakbloop we are playing games based on what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our childhood dream jobs. I'm Jeff Rubin and I'm joined by Internet Video Superstar Scott Gerner and Pat N. Streeter from College Humor. Scott, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I greatly admired Magic Johnson, I wanted to be on the LA Lakers. Is every player Magic Johnson here? I believe so. Well there was that brief time in the NBA.
This game looks extremely difficult, I noticed you can't seem to get the ball. I don't seem to have a way to block, I have no real means of defense against these right guys. If I was in the NBA I would play very similarly.
Fast Break is kind of like not a very ex... Oh!
That's like the payoff in this game, seeing 8-bit Magic Johnson. The score is 10-79. 81. 81-10 with a minute 40 left in the half.
So when I was a kid I wanted to grow up and be a fireman. There's no way you wanted to be a fireman. Well I couldn't find any video games about being a magician so instead we're going to play emergency mayhem.
Well you're blowing down pedestrians man. There's a fire! Jeff, something's happening to Jeff. Are you alright? Are you putting on a fire? What are you doing? I'm not sure. You're watching it.
Just give me room to work. These pesky kids have been opening valves again. Shut it down. I mean because that's the funnest part of being a fireman. Just shut down. Mischievous children. Making sure the little inner city children don't have any fun on a hot summer day.
Now comes the part where you have to drag a lifeless me down from the 20th floor of a building over your shoulders. Just throw you out on a trampoline.
Even Jeff knows about firemen, he was based on cartoons from the 20s.
So unlike you guys, I didn't want to be a basketball player or a fireman, I wanted to be a paleontologist. Right, so we're playing Jurassic Park 2, the chaos continues. So I didn't actually think that I would go to Jurassic Park if I was a paleontologist but I thought I would at least get to go to the island and go to Jurassic Park 2. In the Jurassic Park movies, like no one ever just shoots a dinosaur, no one just blows a dinosaur away with a machine gun at any point in any of the films. You can see what a good paleontologist Pat would have made because he's firing even when there's nothing on the screen anticipating an incoming raptor.
So Streeter, you were telling me you wanted to be an astronaut, so I was like perfect, let's play Moon Patrol. I was not, I did not say astronaut, I said I wanted to be in space and then you picked what I believe is the least accurate representation of being in space ever made. Well, my dad was on the Moon Patrol and this Moon buggy is great but it can't go in holes, it can't go in moderately deep ditches or it blows up.
What are you firing at there? Rocks. You also can't run into tiny rocks.
Driving around on a little Moon buggy, killing aliens would be more fun than just like floating in a space station with some Russians. You could do that for weeks and weeks whereas you can only be on a Moon buggy for approximately 15 seconds. Yeah, until I hit a hole. But what a 15 seconds it was. What a ride. You've got your sister job because you want it to be a fireman, he's on Moon Patrol, you're both in the circus, you know?
I guess if you want to go to space or study dinosaurs or play with Magic Johnson, you got to actually practice, you got to learn how to do it. Or at least get like an Xbox or a system that can like give you an accurate. Yeah, somebody's really like to play basketball, you know? |
dropout | summer_of_music_dance_clubs_are_the_worst | I already hated friends that she knows the promoter pros and collars they dated That sir says a guy don't work here but we all can tell that he won't let us in the doors Cause our girls are all fatty so I, I tell him yo I'm with those 27 hoes Wearing tiny booty shows, though it's 22 below And now's when it gets really bad Trove lights in my face, feel like I got epilepsy Gotta hate this place, $30 for a Pepsi The base makes my heart bleed and kidneys burst Oh, oh, oh, dance clubs are the worst Oh, oh, oh, dance clubs are the worst My friend f'ed up, now we got bottle service I don't see any prices and it's making me nervous 15 people crowded round the table for three Saw something I'm a dance for, I can never unsee But now you can bet that I'm swimming in my sweat Haven't even danced yet, how much worse can this place get?
I smell Roger Federer cologne Crafty douchey dudes, show off silver dollar nips Creeping up the girls expecting them to move their hips Trashy thick, no music with a horn and his burst Oh, oh, oh, dance clubs are the worst Oh, oh, oh, dance clubs are the worst Sword, roll, sword, roll Eat or swallow, eat or swallow Vote to lead, vote to lead Call what's stalling, call what's stalling Call what's stalling, call what's stalling You forgot to close my tab And the barefoot slugs are flailing Half a dozen cows and 300 people And like every single minute of this night was gross Oh, oh, oh, dance clubs are the worst Before I took her home, I should've looked at her friends Oh, oh, oh, dance clubs are the worst Oh, oh, oh, dance clubs are the worst |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_pangea_3000 | Everybody give it up for Pinchy at 3,000! Have you ever tried whispering? Have you ever tried talking at a lower volume?
Those are the same things! Hi!
Now you can whisper anywhere free with whispering! Whisper at home at the office, whisper at a loved one's family or sex mates, and now you can eat a whisper to your sister! Whisper to blacks in space! Whisper to dogs in your pets! We'll see a movie about a whisper, you can be a dog whisperer, a horse whisperer, and harshly enough, you're the only kinds of whisperers in the animal department.
I apologize! We all apologize!
Whisper on the roof! Whisper on the go! Whisper your unfinished basement! Go ahead and finish that piece! We can't commitment you earned it! Have you ever had a secret that you sent it out loud but not caught? Whisper it!
We love whispering!
I think Katie's channel is for one, Katie! I'm with Frank! Do it back to you, you can whisper to blacks in space! Are we sure we did? I'm pretty sure you were the one who said it! I believe you! And you! Sometimes I forget the things I say! Let's proceed!
You make yourselves look stupid, you make us look stupid! Come on, Sal! I know we're in this together! Hold on, tell your students!
It is illegal to whisper in all 50 states, a clear north coast, south coast, it's the N.I.K.A.W.C.E. meeting. Ten sea namps are arcing, arling, arcing! A climate which just has come forward and you see out in Washington, Delmar, Montana, O'Hole, Ryland! I've got a rest in hull, a best in plot, one known whisperer here, Sal!
Step one, lower your volume! Step two, keep your attitude in checking your heart, you know the game that you play by the rules!
You've got to bring a whisperer! Whisper! That's a whisperer! Have you ever tried a whisperer? Great! That's the way you smell! Sometimes when you whisper, people can't hear! That's why sometimes you want to talk! Whisperer, it's free! Whisperer, you're free for your property, you're guffing, you're guffing! Eh... Don't you save it! From the first amendment, you have to bring a whisperer!
We went down to Washington, C.D. As for when you do it, they say yes! I look at this crowd asking people, let's have some fun! We're all friends here!
Whisper, look! Don't forget to read! Heard faster! We were talking about a little more volume! It was the same thing I did, you were screaming like a brinkle of spring! Whisper, I'm on the offensive with a little more 176-man analyst, tister! Whisper, lastly thanks! From Dr. Petz! Whisper, what was it?
You can go with your horse and his horse, sir! So those cat was for Santa Perfect! I apologize!
She's by the road!
We've never seen her see a lot in the plot!
Whisper! That's the big laugh!
Don't we get to rework? |
cracked | 4_disturbing_questions_about_krang_from_ninja_turtles_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello internet, I'm Daniel O'Brien, and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Resort, a show that loves pop culture so much that it can't help but ruin it through pedantic over analysis. Today's episode asks the question, I've been thinking a lot about Krang lately. For those of you who already know who Krang is, I love you. For those of you who don't, Krang was the chief enemy of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the 80's cartoon show of the same name. Krang is the exiled former ruler of the dreaded Dimension X, but for reasons never made clear in the show, he no longer has a body and has been reduced to just a brain.
Or we think he's a brain, it's never explicitly said in the show, and in fact I've got a fairly involved pet theory that assumes that he is a talking pink half-scrotum with wobbly nubs, but I'll save that for another episode. I will save that for my worst episode. Today's episode explores nine things in your life that are actually scrotums right now.
Number nine, Christmas, whether he's draped in the sensitive pink skin of brain matter or the soft and tender flesh of scrotal meat, the point is that Krang's exterior is incredibly vulnerable. To keep himself safe, he had Shredder, his second in command, construct a large protective biosuit that only he can control. The suit is physically imposing, can fly, and has hands that can switch off from regular hands to blades or drills or maces or whatever else Krang might need. It's also a big shirtless fat guy in red underwear for no reason. Krang could have had any design in the whole world, but he chose this one. On top of that, he situates himself, not on top of that where brains go, but in the center of the body, which two things, one, no peripheral vision, and two, this, you're at crotch level of everyone you're talking to. As a rule, no matter what, unless Krang's planning on interacting exclusively with small children, in which case, f**k, there's no clear reason to keep his eyes and mouth where everybody else keeps their genitals all the time. Unless there is a reason. Let's temporarily ignore the very popular theory that a lot of smart people have that Krang is actually a half testicle.
Let's assume he's a brain, but he's not just a brain. He is pure brain. He's all brain, baby, and a genius.
If we begin with the premise that Krang is a hyper-intelligent brain, then we need to then arrive at the conclusion that there is a brilliant strategic reason for building a suit that is A, objectively ridiculous, and B, situates his face, his most vulnerable spot on the worst place on the body, or let's say the second worst. But back on target, here's why Krang's suit is perfect for battle. Step one, disorient your opponent with a distractingly garish style of dress, immediately catching him off guard. Step two, force your opponent into an uncomfortable and compromised position. All of Krang's enemies who wanted to talk to him would have to bend down to a This leaves the opponent vulnerable to an attack because the rest of the robotic body would naturally have a higher ground, and also if the enemies got close enough, he could just like stick those little wobbly nubs right in their mouths.
Wouldn't that be gross, little wobbly nubs in your mouth? I bet they're salty. And you like feel the wrinkles on your tongue?
I don't want these nerds subscribing to our channel. Nerds?
What? What did I just say?
I'm not doing it. You do your own. I don't need this. Bring my car on.
Another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Resort, a show that loves pop culture so much that it can't help but ruin it through pedantic over-analysis. Today's episode asks the question, I've been thinking a lot about Krang lately. For those of you who already know who Krang is, I love you. For those of you who don't, Krang was the chief enemy of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the 80's cartoon show of the same name. Krang is the exiled former ruler of the dreaded Dimension X, but for reasons never made clear in the show, he no longer has a body and has been reduced to just a brain. Or we think he's a brain.
It's never explicitly said in the show, and in fact I've got a fairly involved pet theory that assumes that he is a talking pink half-scrotum with wobbly nubs, but I'll save that for another episode. I will save that for my worst episode. Today's episode explores nine things in your life that are actually scrotums right now. Number nine, Christmas.
Whether he's draped in the sensitive pink skin of brain matter or the soft and tender flesh of scrotal meat, the point is that Krang's exterior is incredibly vulnerable to keep himself safe. He had Shredder, his second in command, construct a large protective biosuit that only he can control. The suit is physically imposing, can fly, and his hands that can switch off from regular hands to blades or drills or maces or whatever else Krang might need. It's also a big shirtless fat guy in red underwear for no reason. Krang could have had any design in the whole world, but he chose this one. On top of that, he situates himself, not on top of that where brains go, but in the center of the body, which two things, one, no peripheral vision, and two, this. Start crotch level of everyone you're talking to. As a rule, no matter what, unless Krang is planning on interacting exclusively with small children, in which case, fuck, there's no clear reason to keep his eyes and mouth where everybody else keeps their genitals all the time. Unless there is a reason, let's temporarily ignore the very popular theory that a lot of smart people have that Krang is actually a half testicle.
Let's assume he's a brain, but he's not just a brain. He is pure brain. He's all brain, baby, and a genius.
If we begin with the premise that Krang is a hyper intelligent brain, then we need to then arrive at the conclusion that there is a brilliant strategic reason for building a suit that is A, objectively ridiculous, and B, situates his face, his most vulnerable spot on the worst place on the body, or let's say the second worst. But back on target, here's why Krang's suit is perfect for battle. Step one, disorient your opponent with a distractingly garish style of dress, immediately catching him off guard. Step two, force your opponent into an uncomfortable and compromised position. All of Krang's enemies who wanted to talk to him would have to bend down to a dressman eye light. This leads the opponent vulnerable to an attack because the rest of the robotic body would naturally have a higher ground, and also if the enemies got close enough that he could just like stick those little wobbly nubs right in their mouths.
Wouldn't that be gross, little wobbly nubs in your mouth? I bet they're salty. And you like feel the wrinkles on your tongue?
Krang. In the episode, we learned that Krang's suit, while seemingly ill-equipped to deal with absolutely everything, is actually perfect for Krang's needs. I wouldn't be surprised if we all started dressing like Krang in the not too distant future. Number six, milk tuds. That's it for today. Tune in next time when our top will be a different episode that's also about Krang. Oh, I am excited about that. I've been your host, Jane O'Brien. Thanks for Krangin' by. Krang Krang Krang Krang Krang Krang Krang.
I don't want these nerds subscribing to our channel. Nerds? Nerds. Just tell them to subscribe, please.
What? What did I just say?
I'm not doing it. You do your own. I don't need this. Bring my car on. |
SaturdayNightLive | jurors_snl | So, with that said, Mr. Hubbard could not have been at the scene of the crime. your witness. thank you, counsel. moving on to cross-examination. Prosecution has the floor. So, Mr. Hubbard, on the night of your wife's disappearance, what did you do? I called the police. Really? because records show that you did not. Oh! and, in fact, the police didn't show up until your neighbors called. Oh. and when the forensic team examined your clothing, they found traces of blood.
Oh! Order. Order In the Court. we don't need any vocal reactions from the jury. Oh, us? Oh, I'm so sorry. we just did not expect traces of blood. Prosecution, the floor is Yours. Per the forensic investigation, the victim was found with multiple lacerations to her abdomen. Oh, no, no, no, no! Do we need to take a recess? Oh, my God. no, no. it was just getting good.
I'm seriously at the edge of my seat. like, look at me. I'm shaking. Look at me. I'm shaking. me, too. my heart's beating so fast, my apple watching suddenly getting steps. Order in the court, or I will hold you in contempt.
Guys? guys? guys? guys. Seriously? guys? guys?
All right. Prosecution, please. on to your next line of questioning. Yes, your honor. Mr. Hubbard, you claim that you were at the office on the 14th, but as the defense was saying, I'm sorry. what are you guys doing now? Oh, we're posing for the sketch artist? Yeah. uh, could you please, uh, yassify us?
I'm up for the Death Penalty. Oh, my God. Now the murderer is yelling at us? Oh, my God. I'm, like, crazy triggered. can I just, like, lie down and look at my phone for a little while? Jurors, this is your final warning. Okay. now the judge is trying to silence three women of color. Okay. can we please move on? As I was saying. Oh, my God. wait.
I'm literally so bored. Yeah. can we just, like, put on music or something? Midnight! Midnight, I stay up. I'm Terry Swift. that is Not a song from midnight. that is a song from fun.
I just need to finish my cross-exam. Mr. Hubbard, how do you explain the steak knife that was missing from your set? um, it had been missing since we moved in. really? Because in a storm drain nearby, detectives found this supposedly missing knife. Bailiff, show the court Exhibit B. it's not in here. Oh, my God. did you need this?
I'm sorry. this chicken cacciatore is, like, tough. All right. that is it. you three are in contempt of court for disorderly conduct. wait, wait, wait. sorry, but, like, real quick, who am I? mm-mm. okay, okay, who am I? and who am I? who am I? uh. oh, you the dead wife. she's using the murder weapon to cut up her saucy chicken. Okay, relax, because I can barely even cut through this chicken any. .way. wait a minute. the lawyer lady is saying he killed her with that knife. but the knife isn't even sharp enough. .to cut through her chicken cacciatore.
Which means. .he's innocent! that's what I've been saying! Hooray! |
dropout | hardly_working_uptight_stoners | Hey, yo, Pat, man. Why'd you want to meet? You think it's what time it is?
Oh, yeah? Yeah, 4-20. Oh! 4-20? 4-20? 4-20? Oh, bless. Oh, sorry.
I can't come to work. It's time to get stale!
You know what?
Oh. Oh, no. What? Darn, it's 4-21. Yeah, that's a shame, huh? It is.
I really wanted to do trunks, too. I did, too.
What? Tomorrow, though. Yeah, tomorrow. Okay. You know what?
Actually, why don't we meet at 4-19? That way, we can really be on time when we get snowed. That's a great idea. 58, 59, 4-20.
Oh, all right, bro! Hey, champion, hi!
Roll that shit, man. Roll that shit.
You're even wearing the same hoodie, man. You guys are showered, dude. Oh, you know what?
How do we know that my watch is accurate? How do we know my watch is accurate?
Are you serious, dude? Because we set it against the atomic clock last week, remember? Yes, of course I remember, but the other day it was exercising and I brushed it against the chair really hard.
Oh, okay. All right, well, how about this? What if we both watch our watches to see if they change at the same time? Oh, that is a great idea. Awesome. Okay. 4-21. All right, dude!
Yeah, I knew you'd do it. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, because 4-21. Right, that's what I meant, of course. So, we'll meet tomorrow.
4-19.
What? No exercise?
Yeah, 12 would be careful. And 4-20.
All right, brothers! Get ready to kiss this guy. Ow! You're in the same way. She was dropping, man. Two puffs, you passed that guy to the left. Oh, me friend, se, pa, se, Ja, pa, se, cheet, to the left, man.
Although, no, we can't.
What? What do you mean, man?
Well, you said passing to the left, and you're on my right, so... Oh, you are. We're on a bit of a tickle with this, you know?
Yeah, right. That's a shame. I mean, do you want you to do coke instead? Absolutely. Okay, then. That's what it is. I can't do coke at any time. That's the great thing about it, you know? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_129_Shannon_Noll | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show, recording live here in the Budgie Smuggler booth in downtown Batutah in the old city district and today is a momentous occasion for the Batutah Advocate radio show and for the newsroom downstairs. We have a visitor that we're all excited about having in the building, someone we've been chasing for quite some time and we're just, we're lucky now in COVID everyone's kind of travel patterns and in fact everyone's kind of work life balance is a bit off and so we were lucky enough to have this bloke coming through town. That is great excitement. You of course joined by myself Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate and editor at large Errol Parker. How are you Errol? Good to be here mate.
Still running outside. Yep, still running, it's a bit wet and luckily for today's guest there's a pub down the road that we can all go and pull into afterwards and find a little port in the storm if you will.
A lot of the locals will be very stoked about him being here. Thank you for joining us Shannon Knoll. Thanks boys, it's great to be here. You're back on the road. I mean obviously this pandemic has been crushing for a lot of live performers but you know like everything, like Jurassic Park, life will find a way. I'm glad, I'm glad it has mate. Things are starting to open up again you know.
It's obviously very touch and go with the numbers side of things you know. It's very hard, you know it's hard enough for venues to make money out of it anyway let alone 25% you know capacity so you know we can just hope that it moves quickly through the stages I suppose and we can finally get some decent numbers in there. The big question for me is the social distancing, that sort of seems like the new norm so we're all fucked if that's the case. Sitting down with six and the halsey. We could have got 600 in here but we can only get 60s. But anyway hopefully you know just to be out and play a gig again mate, I did a dial on the weekend which was fantastic so it was really good to get back on stage again.
Now Shannon as a farm boy from central New South Wales, how does this drought now that's affecting the music industry compare to the millennium drought?
Mate I'll tell you very similar, that's for sure. I can't believe that I can comment on both ends if you know what I mean.
Straight off the farm out of a drought and then this happens. But you know I mean obviously there's no comparison mate, I mean theirs was the worst drought in a hundred years and I suppose people in that situation have a capability of preparing to whatever degree they possibly can in some way by storing hay or something like that you know but this what we're going through was pretty you know hard to prepare for obviously because it just came out of the blue but yeah I think you know farm folk mate are hardened to this sort of thing and it happens on a regular basis. I think you're mad if you're going into farming thinking you're never going to be affected by a drought.
It's not real estate, you're not selling apartments in Sydney mate. That's right, so you know hopefully the countryside looks great now you know especially with rain outside and at the moment it's great to see you know I love seeing rain I think it's sort of always annoyed me a little bit when I'm in Sydney people going oh it's bloody rain I'm going to go I love the rain you know especially being on a farm it's sort of rain means life and and rain means a future so you know.
So are your brothers still out there? My one brother is yeah one's the other one's living up in on a little block in casino just out of casino so yeah.
The sweet country. Yeah so we're looking to spawn there loud back into Queensland bit by bit I suppose. Water towns are growing yeah yeah now I remember seeing the Knoll brothers Gibby master crowbar 1am I've got friends in low places that was they're still playing music? Yeah we are the boys asked Damon still riding he's still playing drums for me a little bit to play drums in the weekend and Ed's still playing but his wife is immune deficient so they've had to be pretty careful the last sort of you know six to eight months with what's going on so they've sort of been a little bit locked up and locked away on the farm which is which is for her safety of course and which has been been really beneficial for them you know sort of keeping away from it but when we get together we always try and pull out the guitar and that oh and that's what we always did I remember when we were young we'd walk down the street in the cross coming down to watch a cricket or something and we'd give a busk of 20 bucks you know because it only used to five cents or whatever a dollar or two dollars whatever so 20 bucks they jump at it you know and and then we start playing a few songs together and a few harmonies and that and people started gathering around then whatever money we made we give to the the guy the busker so we always used to do that sort of thing that that was a real beauty and and the reason why we played just for the simple enjoyment of it so you know back home the pubs would shut at 12 we'd be back at my brother's house before I have asked or something just jamming away so um that's always there's always a bit of music involving to get together it's always great to have a little quiet wind down you know yeah back at home with a guitar just just really to before bed right exactly right yeah hundred percent yeah just half an hour or so yeah that's right I remember one time I think we were in Narrabri and uh one particular brother just he just kept pulling songs I reckon he played for six hours I'm going like man he's been doing some practice listen to the rebel tomorrow and he's going from Kenny Rogers to buddy John Williamson to anyone else it was really good they start bouncing around then it's like oh we'll go from Kenny Rogers bit of dolly rage against the machine yeah a little biscuit yeah yeah tell us a little bit there about condo the town because one thing I find funny about that part of New South Wales is it kind of is where the unofficial kind of uh Aussie rules line yeah yeah begins yeah it is yeah yeah so so south of there is the riverina Talabajir is where we actually grew up uh about 75 k's to uh to condo and it's considered northern riverina uh where Talabajir was with 50 k's from all the Denaher's come from so you know there's their AFL royalty and and um then you go into condo and it's the it's the bottom of the central west so that's where you get uh then you go into you know dub island and uh parks and all that sort of stuff for you which is real pretty uh dyed in the wool league territory so you know we grew up out there playing rules and said he's leading on sunday you know couldn't walk till wednesday but but uh it was great times you know our first senior's Aussie rules on saturday night on sunday and we just had a blast it was just everything it was about footy and we did a lot of k's though you know we were playing against nirandra and leighton in in the rugby league and then uh kobar and that in the in the Aussie rules so we did a fair bit a fair bit of that is a nudge yeah and and there was a bit of talent in the in the family yeah yeah my brother played teal cup for new south wales and and the other one uh first grade here in sydney for playing cricket yeah we related to the steve mark wall so it was sort of cricket's pretty solid in our family and um yeah and and golf and everything i suppose growing up on on on the land in a small town like that you know sports everything you know you play whatever you can to fill in the gaps you know um in between going to the pub you know which uh something to get you out of the pub but it was always that's it's that social thing that's built around sport in small towns you know like i remember growing up playing night tennis you know and we were part of a night tennis team that as um you know we played different other teams or uh tuesday and thursday nights and stuff like that but it was just it was just great because you know i suppose before video games and all that sort of stuff you know we're just out um out playing sports so it was really good yeah it must have been a pretty quiet place kind of back in the mid-90s wasn't it yeah most definitely mate you know um when i go back there most of the time you see everyone at the pub you know it's it's but and not you know it's not because everyone's wine is running out there it's just it's just central place people go there for dinner and go and that's where you sort of you sort of run into everyone so it's just a good social social sort of place you know another i guess we had on recently jeff thompson oh yeah Australia's fastest bowl he'll his family from out there too condo yeah right yeah okay um yeah it must be a little bit of a i guess you'd say a little bit of a feeder feeder club yeah feeder town for Australian sport yeah yeah sure and i'm sure you've kind of gone over this journey many times uh speaking to the mainstream media but we're not the mainstream media so we'll get the fresh unabridged take from showing off beautiful about time thank god for that yeah yeah yeah we'll get into crazy crazy horse later but you know this is season one Australian Idol yeah so Australian Idol kind of came into everyone's households yeah um with you already in it how did you stumble across this this thing that no one knew anything about at that point yeah it was really strange actually um i i'd seen a couple of ads and a few people have said to me because we had a cover band cruising around by Forbes from from Forbes of Bathurst to down to Wagga and Lakey Jelly going all around that sort of area a few friends and plus some family members and had said oh have you seen this this talent show you know singing contest show and i said i've seen it they said we think you should go on it i said well they don't specify where the auditions are like there was no all the ads were saying you know that it's coming but there was nowhere that you could and they definitely weren't you know going to turn up your Forbes looking for auditions sort of thing so the Forbes the whole town hall just turn up but uh you know the parks are selling you're right down the town yeah it just was pretty pretty much luck really i was um so i was on the radar i was sort of looking into it and then i was having to be down in Melbourne for uh my wife was down there for dress fitting for a sister's wedding and i went down to uh to pick her and my two little blokes up i uh my sister-in-law down there said oh have you seen the ads you should go on it same sort of deal and i said i don't know where the auditions are so she just ran the computer i probably said i've done that in the first place uh but yeah and she said no one's telling me yeah because i wasn't big on computers because back in the damn days on the farm i didn't need one but now of course they drive attractors and you'd have to turn the landline off to get on yeah yeah that's right down madam but yeah so they happen to be in melbourne the following weekend so um i rang my brother who was the coach of the footy team and we'd fall for it twice and if you fall for three times you'll have to fold and my grandfather played for that club my dad played for that club my brothers and i did as well so i said to my brother i said oh you know them auditions because he'd also said to go on it um i said they're on here in melbourne next weekend but i've got to come out and play footy he said what he said i said because if you fall for it again we'll be kicked out of the count and he said look i'm the captain i'm the coach he said don't worry about the football just stay there and do that and as it was we only got 13 we needed 15 to feel the side so if i'd have gone home we'd only had 14 so we'd have folded anyway yeah right so it's not a slide into it the club was folding mate get out of town while you can exactly right yeah yeah so yeah and then uh so i got up at five o'clock in the morning went over and lined up with you know six thousand other people and and who was it that uh you reckon had a shine for you out of the out of the panel um i was pretty lucky actually because because um there was a hundred of us put through over two days and i think there was eight thousand people or something yeah uh auditioned them two days and we had to come back on a tuesday and i was really late in the afternoon there's some bloody great singers um in that room on that on that uh tuesday and and they just kept coming out you know with their head in their hands going like oh dick has an asshole and i'm going oh this place gonna eat me alive you know and then um funnily enough i was always a big um southern huge southern suns fan uh hold me in your arms popped into my head and i hadn't thought about that song in years and years like probably four or five years i suppose and and it just popped in my head again and i got up in there and they said oh yeah have you got any other songs you got the aussie songs i said oh yeah i have actually so i sang hold me in your arms and and the producer goes that's the one he said make sure you sing that one in front of um the judges so that's what i did and and you know shit and bricks i suppose and nervous as buggery so i closed my eyes while i'm singing and um yeah they they were all pretty positive so i got three three thumbs up and straight through out of there was only six of us went through i think then out of the out of that eight thousand of them yeah yeah right so you only had to sing for the producer for like for five seconds and they were like yep because they put you through a couple first like there was this this girl who was like she probably you know she looked like she was about 16 or something i was singing she was work for the company somewhere and she made you know you you can go to the next stop is the producer executive producer so i seen him and i sang ben first michael jackson and then uh he went oh you know any aussie songs that then i sang a home in your arms and he went yep that's the one stick with that one and then so came back on the tuesday and then went in there and just yeah just sang a verse and a chorus and i've always wondered that because you always see yeah you're straight to the judges you know how they're patient they go but there are people who come on who are just like like jesus christ yeah i saw them mate there's a lot of it to entertainment value you know a few hospital puzzles yeah mate they'll love you get in there oh you're set yeah yeah i always wanted that because there would be people getting their heads torn off by dico if you had to sit through eight thousand people oh i can imagine oh oh yeah in a hundred percent so they do whittle them down so you know we that time there's a hundred odd people had to get through on the one day so and then and obviously i mean we all know how that all turned out and yeah and you know opera house and you know you ticked that box before your career even started performing there and and it became this show that everyone remembers the first season particularly yeah what was it like you got all these people from all different parks you know all different walks of life all different parts of the world and you know we've interviewed uh guy sebastian too and he even said it himself he's like we got you know we had modern australia in that room we had the the you know the the country the guy had been raised on country music and we got this kind of multicultural kid from adelaide who's bit of church in him and we got all kinds of stuff going on he does love you know yeah you know he's a real urban kid yeah he plays cricket indoors kind of kid and then uh and then of course you know nalsey and uh and that was you know it was just the perfect final too yeah but then you've got to i mean i imagine there's a lot of you guys get trotted out even the final 12 final 10 final 8 and so you've got all what was it like going on basically school camp with these kids yeah well it was a a really different sort of experience in the sense that it was it was all such a competition but there's no real competition between us like i think guy and i especially you know thought the other one would win for start you know what i mean um i sort of remarked each other for to go well anyway but we're sort of just it was just this mad journey that we're all trying to keep our head above water in that was that was so you know out of our comfort zone nobody and even the people doing running the show you know it was their first time doing it was the first time the show second to our third second time or third time in the world i think uh you uh the u.s one was first and maybe the brit one was second and then we were third or something but i think it was just such a whirlwind ride we're sort of you know just trying to survive in there so we were there for each other along along the way and we helped each other out and we looked out uh kept an eye on each other and that sort of thing too so there was never a sense of you know i'm gonna spike his breakfast this morning so you know anything so so something happened you know we're all sort of in there going like just holding on like on a life raft like on a life raft and there's one then one goes and another one goes until there was only two of us left because you're playing in front of thousands of people all of a sudden yeah you'd have to be a psychopath to get competitive in that environment yeah you would do have some feeling man driving skills you know but yeah yeah so uh just the tv thing too was a big scary one because i mean you know all of a sudden i was used to just banging out pub gigs you know what i mean like you know people sculling beer and shots and all that sort of stuff and the band and me sculling beer all of a sudden into this environment where there's just you're just there's no band behind you yeah you know you're just out there on this stage and it's live 100 live to air so if you drop the mic and or you trip over you forget the words or something there's no like oh sorry can i just do that again yeah it's sort of there for everyone to see so you're very very exposed and um and and sort of vulnerable i suppose but that's what made it beautiful i think too and it was the very first time like i think we took the journey with the people watching it none of the the viewers at home knew it was going to happen the next any given minute neither did we really because we're sort of you know a bit like mushrooms kept in the dark and fed on so we were sort of one minute to the next we didn't know what was happening so i think that's that's what made it honest and and and uh and pure you know so how long were you locked in that machine for like 12 weeks like who was who was at home you know have a look at the waters and you know well we'd actually lost the farm um before then we'd actually sold the farm and i was actually just doing uh working at mates properties who had a bit of work whenever they did you know crop spraying for some mates or crutching for another mate or things like that so there wasn't a lot happening at home at all you know so you know it sort of all built up to this one turning point that um that sort of just came along and and it was the only only turning point really was the only only way to go so or at least one thing to to have a have a go at you know can you tell us a little bit about those few months after you were one of the most famous people in australian history yeah it's crazy you know like growing up in a small town you know everybody and everyone knows you sort of like that except you just don't know anyone it's like sydney so it was pretty it was pretty crazy that side of it you know um i just i felt like the security at the old security guard for a long time until i i started getting down to the six or something they're going like oh and there's that bloke from uh from out west you know what i mean so so um but it was an amazing uh journey and amazing ride when you share uh an experience like that you know what i mean it sort of creates a bond that stays there for a long time you know have you had any reunions any secret oh no not really we i did a thing uh but today this one last year something was a bit of a idle reunion which was a bit of fun you know i haven't seen a few of the guys for ages so it was really good and then obviously you you stay you pump out the album you pump out a few songs there uh well obviously there was the motion pictures cover that you kind of came in with and then of course and then all your own all your own stuff after that you brought the boys with you you brought the town like the hometown band with you no no my brothers came we'd sort of uh i just sort of came straight into this actually half the most of the uh idle band was the first band that i had i couldn't get there wasn't a lot of people to work with me after it after the show i just think within the industry they didn't want to they really love to hate it because it was oh you know like singing the show and then you can have a number one you know all these people in the industry going like you know how hard i've worked yeah yeah yeah the session artists yeah but the biggest thing with it was was you know the whole top 12 had been performing and touring for years and years and years so it wasn't just i sang in the shower last week and now i'm a recording artist you know so but within the industry was uh oh this is just total bullshit and all that sort of stuff so it was really hard to get any support so like i couldn't get a production company to work with me so i couldn't we couldn't like in the front of the house and musical equipment stuff like that really no one wanted a bit of a black flag raised on you yeah a little bit but then um the first you know 90 show sold out so they're pretty keen to get on board after that of course yeah this guy might be a star yeah we might make some money out of him so what was your experience like you know entering the machine that is the recording industry like uh were you a bit kind of naive at the start you know you didn't really yeah of course you know the the business itself as a whole whole another beast you know what i mean but um i mean i've done a bit a little bit of jabbling and recording and stuff like that and writing and things like that but we were mostly your pub rock band you know yeah we had a few originals and that sort of stuff but we weren't we weren't you know trying to get a record deal or anything like that so it was a little bit of a different step to to perform your own music and writing your own music you know i think mark holton said to me one time your writing's like an art form you can get better at it the more you practice which i i definitely agree with so over the years i got to become a better writer than i was at the start you know at the start they sent me out of the states to write with people like desmond child who's written like 58 number ones and everything i'd say you go no you can't say that and i'd go well i'll just go and lay down and then have a sleep and then when it finishes you tell me yeah okay but um you learn so much off these people uh and because everyone has their own way of doing things and uh songwriting in general yeah um so you're just like a sponge i suppose in the early days you know but obviously too you know it's a very cutthroat industry and and um you know if they're not making money out of you that you're pretty pretty fastly chucked on the heap you know so have you have you felt like that a few times because obviously there's so many different incarnations of nalsey like you're always you know uh one minute uh you know it'll be the australian idol kind of flame has died down and you and you're still on the circuit you're still doing the the you know the musters and that kind of stuff and then all of a sudden you're doing a origin halftime or something like that and yeah so you you've kind of got your ups and downs have you felt that throughout the career oh it most definitely you know and sometimes it's just sort of uh no matter how sort of desperate sometimes it's gotten there's always something that pops up that keeps it going you know sort of i'm sitting there going like you know that's it and done and dusted and then all of a sudden there's an opportunity to pop up somewhere and that'll throw you a lifeline type thing but that's you know i mean it's the same with actors i suppose you know they can they might do anything for 10 years and all of a sudden they just jag a roll and they wouldn't ask you for it or something travalta travalta 101 i don't think you're that bad mate where the hell did he go pop fiction is back yeah exactly you know another thing that leads me to the next question you definitely had a social media yeah there was something happened in in in australia where obviously your comments were loaded up with blokes asking to borrow your lawnmower yeah yeah and that's like the quintessential aussie bloke is shannon knoll and that's that's how they're going to treat you yeah i was really funny that because that that sort of came about over a series of posts and it created this um this machine you know so the first one there used to be a writing thing here in sydney in the nova in late new year it was 50 songs in five days so a heap of writers come together he produced come together and so you send you off in groups of four and just write and you just write for the whole week with different people anyway on the wednesday night there's american producers always there and he would cook fish tacos and i never made it to the wednesday night so i was like they're my cooking at home and i cooked this uh fish targets at home i'm pretty proud of them so i went like chuck the photo up there not even thinking about it you know and all of a sudden hey bet that's not the first fish taco so i went oh crikey i should have seen that coming anyway then about two weeks later i was in the cross just in a recording studio and um i finished five don't know in the ground and had stains and rips i'm going i was just intrigued you know i'm like well if that five don't know i could talk so i did a post about that and people started going oh mate that's my five dollars i'll grab that off you whenever i can and that them two things morphed into this this whole uh way of answering every post i did you know and we started off with a sexual connotation i bet that's not the first time like i was visiting my horse one day and i said i'd you know love this beautiful little horse you know she's a rip i'm just ashamed i didn't have time to ride her i was baiting with that that's not the first fully hidden and then i've done it just turned in i borrowed everything from whippersnippers that harry put a box set friends trilogy my favorite my favorite one i saw was you were you sat on the um there was a podium somewhere and you sat down on the second place you went oh second place not again and someone goes uh one of the comments i bet you secretly sat on the first place for a little bit there just yanking your chain shannon have a good one yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh no that was very funny there for a while absolutely right can you tell us why you passed up the offer to play the king of the mountain peter brock i didn't right that was i didn't pass it up no no no that's fake news yeah that's fake news yeah i'll tell you what actually happened the movie was called king of the mountain rocky brock he was involved i was supposed to play the lead role which was about uh a bit of a loose mechanic is a loose bit of a rat bag so going street racing sydney on the weekends and um he's a bit of a lout you know so anyway i'd watch it yeah well so bathurst council were going to enter a team into the bathurst 24 hour yeah and they had four drivers and i got a guernsey so i was one of the drivers so this as the story went we were against brocky and his team and he brocky played himself and the holding team merrick watts was supposed to play a european touring car driver it was just it was so much like talladega nice it's not funny like uh the european um Porsche driver or whatever so anyway as the story went because 24 hours we had this little mini me totally gutted it and put this massive big fuel tank in it anyway brocky wins long story short brocky wins easily but because we haven't stopped the fuel we're like three laps in front and this little thing's driven into the ground she's about had enough and it conks out about 100 meters from the finish line and and the european steering car driver he's flown past me he's got one lap to go and i get out start pushing and finally as he's flying down the straight i just push it out of the line to come second yeah and beat him so that that was the story but then uh i think what happened was they tried to use they wanted to use 24-hour original footage from the actual races and they were going to charge them like four times more than they had in their budget for the whole movie and then poor uh horribly we lost brocky so um yeah so he he was supposed to play himself and i was just this bloke who's in awe of brocky and but you know but could drive but but not as focused as i maybe should have been so so it was in development yeah yeah yeah right yeah and we're all gonna stay at the at the big motel that's now at the city now it's bathys i was i was absolutely spewing that would have been a bit of fun i just sort of i really could i really related to the character because he was a bloke that nobody thought would get would make it but he had a heap of talent and we yeah he not that i'm saying that about myself but he was sort of going like he was an unknown quantity but he was just not as focused as he probably should have been but he was throwing a lifeline and and he made the most of it so have you done much acting a little bit yeah yeah here and there i actually did a uh short film when i was about 15 with a one of my best mates brother was producing it so yeah right i left him he'd get out one day it was pretty it was pretty classical yeah yeah yeah well we'll put that put the word out now screen australia yes we have so we have uh we have the next hemsworth in waiting sitting here yeah i'm gonna grow a bit them boys at all good fellas mate yeah mate this is a uh a question that was put to us by a lot of our readers they want to know about the birth of the soul patch yeah well it originated uh because i couldn't grow a decent enough goatee like my brother's hat yeah and then you wanted the chin strap yeah yeah yeah and then then uh my brother's uh sorry my mother my missus didn't like it so i went well fucking don't tell me what to do i'll keep it so then uh then i obviously kept it yeah and it was hard to control had a life of its own that thing you wake up in the morning all the vodka's gone you go like what's happened oh i know what's happening there's a little soul patch on the lounge it was like that you know this is gonna hurt shannon tomorrow but yeah how long did you have it for oh years long time mate yeah yeah yeah probably it was really funny because after the show there's like this on an unspoken bond between me and every other dude that had one we just walked in the street and they go now um i said this is um this isn't mainstream media so we're not gonna we're not gonna sensationalize things but um you've uh had a few incidents over the years where you're just being a run-of-the-mill bloke yeah my question to you is we don't want to talk about any of that they've missed out on a lot too right you've been touring with bands for so long i always wonder that i reckon blokes touring pubs get into more trouble than shannon oh yeah oh yeah mate it's it's you know it's rock and roll but you know there's some crazy shit happens man like i've seen i've seen a lot of stuff over the years you know uh blokes jumping off stage just starting to punch on it a little with the people in the crowd the telegraph would love this for sure not that i've well yeah well like there's there's a whole current crop of musicians that are coming up you know who haven't had the privilege of yeah well performing where there's no camera phones no exactly right maybe that's brought down star football stars and you know there's a lot of politicians who should have come out with a disclaimer on that no but i mean you know i grew up i grew up on stories of you know jimmy barnes and real rock and rollers man you know what i mean so you know i mean that sort of thing to me like not that i was even went out looking for trouble it was just miss misreported on most of it you know like there's some goose from adelaide gets up there goes i was trying to get in we'd been in there for four hours you know they ripped me off money that's all and i tried to get it i'm leaving asking for the money back that's all and they went yeah talk it out at the front i'm going just give us the money back and no one cared when they reported it they're like if anything everyone's like ah good on you nosy yeah uh we're full time i'm going like my man how many you know because because bands like half the bands on the bill that afternoon said they were going to that place yeah because it's just a go-to place where they you don't get annoyed because everybody else in there doesn't want any selfies while they're in there either you know they say you don't have someone coming up going on you go honey missus going oh i've got a selfie with the choir boys last night what's that in the background oh yeah yeah yeah i mean where were you with them yeah that's right yeah yeah what what is the wildest town you reckon you've i mean i've seen you in a few towns i've seen you in broken hills and in bathers i've seen you in tawumba gimpy gimpy gimpy yeah that was the year the main stage there yeah yeah gimpy is great yeah um i reckon uh what's the big one just out of out of perth cow girly cow girly yeah like you're going down the pub to have a look at the skimpies and i'm going like what they got seafood down there they all thought it's skimpies they have big fancy ones in the middle of the desert i'm going we're a long way from the beach you sure they're okay no shannon shannon we mean the five-o strippers brought them out here from king's cross i worked that out when i got when i got out there black come up to me as i go what's it feel like to be drinking in australia's roughest pub i mean it feels like home to me yeah they had a bit of money to blow around there too oh yeah yeah yeah no it's good times up there but i had a great time up there you know like you know i sort of sort of it's just yeah hard-working people everywhere you know and nothing different than than the people who i grew up with so you know it's you that people work hard let off some steam you know don't think um you know anyone doing it out of line you know intentionally way out of line they're thinking like that you know they get pulled up pretty quick out in places like that so you know so you know whereas down here it's a little bit i don't know it's i don't know it doesn't happen as much we're not not accepted enough or what but the difference is you know people um yeah people don't get away with it do you reckon in cities like brisbane and um and sydney you kind of get you get pested more yeah i mean it's funny they all sort of differ a little bit melbourne i get a lot more people come up to me and ask for photos and that sort of stuff whereas i think sydney's a little bit um especially in the in the you know in the city and that they're sort of a little bit busy doing what they're doing anyway you know which is fine with me i'm not walking around going like hey you know i haven't got a card that says you just walked past you know what i mean yeah known from you guys remember season one yeah that's right uh yeah so you know i mean it is what it is you know i do find that i don't i don't leave the house like i'm going on stage but i think there's a lot of people who do you know they're going down to buy the milk and they've got their all their jewelry on and they're rocking their leather pants nick cave does that he won't leave the house without the trench coat the gold chain yeah it's all sort of cruising around i wouldn't be living in shire you know down marina there with thongs and singlet on that sort of stuff and hiding in plain sight what's the uh what's the what's the go with this this new album you've done you you're working actually with a band called southbound yeah and they're a lot of uh they're from all over the world a lot of the you know the artists that you're working with yeah the girls are amazing actually they're um a sort of i'd class them as a super group sort of thing they're all they're all well on their way uh with their own careers uh on the journey of their own careers and and they've uh all come together to put some great music out you know and they're all they're all very very um accomplished musicians and vocalists as well so it was a great opportunity to write with the girls you know um i sort of i was thinking like the creepy i mean for a start there but we we wrote us a pretty a nice little song i reckon you know um they've had a couple out about about drinking songs already i mean damn it yeah we can't do that one i know i've got a fair bit of uh experience for that subject i'll play you a bit to write about but um no but we end up writing a nice little song and and and you know the girls like i said were great really great to work with and and i think they'll i think you know they they've really got what it takes uh from the look side of things to the performance and to the actual capability and the talent you know so i hope they go really really well you know and just hoping to that they can you know throw a bit of promo my way for my career no no yeah i think yeah it's it's a it's a two-lane street we're just trying to support each other and see how it goes you've just come back from darwin yeah um did there anything else on the horizon for you yeah mate we've got a few shows like lined up you know it's it's slowly but surely here you know like we we're doing we've got a few acoustic shows lined up um and bits and pieces like that you know it was just so great burning down it felt like yeah like the old days if that's what you are i hate calling it that too but that's the way they're making us feel like oh this is the new the new i think that's how most people feel yeah when they hop off the airplane in darwin yeah yeah it was just fantastic you know i went down the pub and you saw the rock because there's so many people in here to talk over everyone i'm going to stand up in the pub yeah i know it's like no social distancing anything mate it's just like it was great i'm going like you know what i might just i might put me flight back and stay up here for a while yeah yeah yeah wild now can you tell us uh uh if you don't mind us ask a very personal question but you've uh you've sung a song uh related to this what are you driving nowadays i've got 100 series mate yeah so i just sort of um yeah yeah she's a bit thirsty but it's just a lot of fun to to bash around in you know to me it's not too precious or anything like that and um do a bit of four-wheel driving and stuff like that and you can't break them you know i think they're the best um they're the best model out of a lot of them so it's just a lot of fun to be driving around and oh mate i took it to the muffler shop and he says i'll make this sound better than ss and i went oh yes and it sounds grumbly too it's great yeah so it's just a bit of a bit of a fun fun thing because you know i i have the easiest sort of um you get sponsored cars and stuff like that and then they're never yours so you can't because i'm i love my cars and because it's such an integral part to to country people like if you haven't got a yeah a car that performs well you know you're stuck once on the side of the road you know with a with something wrong and you will never try and do it again you know what i mean because here i mean at 45 degrees on the side of the road you don't want to be there too long with a with a car that you've cooked or something yeah there's uh a lot of ss's out the front of harpies yeah all around this country yeah yeah yeah it's it's a lot of people you know take a lot of pride in their car so it becomes parts pretty quick yeah that's right if they can't get one part to fix it exactly yeah yeah oh well thanks for joining us today nosy it's uh it's been a great yarn all the best with this new release thanks guys i appreciate you stopping me i'm a big fan of uh of what you're doing too so yeah appreciate i'm on beauty thanks um everyone sounds like we should get a darwin soon yeah road trip places like that so you know so you know whereas down here it's a little bit i don't know it's i don't know it doesn't happen as much we're not not accepted enough or what but the difference is you know people um people don't get away with it do you reckon in cities like brisbane and um and sydney you kind of get you get pestered more oh i mean it's funny they all sort of differ a little bit melbourne i get a lot more people come up to me and and ask for photos and that sort of stuff whereas i think sydney's are a little bit um especially in the in the you know in the city and that they're sort of a little bit busy doing what they're doing anyway you know which is fine but now i'm not walking around going like hey you know i've got a card that says you just walked past you know what i mean yeah known from them yeah so you know i mean it is what it is you know i do find that i don't i don't leave the house like i'm going on stage but i think there's a lot of people who do you know they're going down to buy the milk and they've got their all their jewellery on and they're rocking their leather pants and the cave does that he won't leave the house without the trench coat and the chain yeah it's all sort of cruising around i wouldn't be living in shire you know down marina there with thongs and a single on that sort of stuff and hiding in plain sight what's the uh what's the what's the go with this new album you've done now you've you're working actually with a band called southbound yeah and they're a lot of uh they're from all over the world a lot of the you know the artists that you're working with yeah the girls are amazing actually they're um a sort of odd custom as a super group sort of thing they're all they're all well on their way uh with their own careers on the journey of their own careers and and they've uh all come together to put some great music out you know and they're all they're all very very um accomplished musicians and vocalists as well so it was a great opportunity to write with the girls you know um i sort of i was thinking like the creepy i mean for a start but we we wrote a pretty a nice little song i reckon you know um they've had a couple out about about drinking songs already i'm like damn it yeah we can't do that one i know i've got a fair bit of uh experience for that subject i'll probably have a bit to write about but but um no but we end up writing i love a nice little song and and and you know the girls like i said were great really great to work with and and i think they'll um you know i think you know they they've really got what it takes uh from the look side of things to the performance and to the actual capability and the talent you know so i hope they go really really well you know and just hoping to they can you know throw a bit of promo microwave for my career no no yeah i think yeah it's it's a it's a two lane street we're just trying to support each other and and see how it goes you've just come back from darwin yeah um is there anything else on the horizon for you yeah maybe we've got a few shows like lined up you know it's it's slowly but surely here you know like we we're doing we've got a few acoustic shows lined up um and bits and pieces like that you know it was just so great felt like yeah like the old days if that's what you are i hate calling that too but that's the way they're making us feel like oh this is the new the new i think that's how most people feel yeah when they hop off the airplane in darlin yeah yeah it was just fantastic and i went down the pub and you saw the rah rah because there's so many people in here to talk over everyone i'm going to stand up in the pub yeah i know it's like no social distancing anything mate it's just like it was great i'm going like you know what i'm just put me flight back yeah yeah yeah yeah well now can you tell us uh uh if you don't mind us ask a very personal question but you've uh you've sung a song uh related to this what are you driving nowadays i've got 100 series of anchors at the moment mate yeah so i just sort of um speed damage yeah yeah it's the old v8 one she's a bit thirsty but it's just a lot of fun to bash around in you know to me it's not too precious or anything like that and um do it with a four-wheel driving and stuff like that and you can't break them you know i think they're the best um they're the best model out of a lot of them so it's just a lot of fun to be driving around and i might i took it to the muffler shop and he says i'll make this sound better than ss and i went oh yes and it sounds grumbly too it's great yeah so it's just a bit of a bit of a fun fun thing because you know i i have the easiest sort of um you get sponsor cars and stuff like that and they're never yours so you can't because i'm i love my cars and because it's such an integral part to to country people like if you haven't got a a car that performs well you know you're stuck once on the side of the road you know with a with something wrong and you will never try and do it again you know what i mean because out here i mean at 45 degrees on the side of the road you don't want to be there too long with a with a car that you've cooked or something yeah there's uh a lot of ss hoots out the front of harpies yeah all around this country yeah yeah yeah it's a lot of people you know take a lot of pride in their cars so it becomes parts pretty quick yeah that's right if they can't get one part to fix it that's exactly yeah yeah oh well thanks for joining us today nosy so it's been a great yarn all the best with this new release thanks guys i appreciate just having me i'm a big fan of uh of what you're doing too so yeah appreciate it everyone sounds like we should get a darwin soon yeah rogerd |
SaturdayNightLive | eastwood_and_chair_saturday_night_live | Do you love cutting-edge political satire? Do you like to laugh and think? Then you absolutely can't miss and check. The comedy duo that rocked the Republican National Convention is taking their act on the road. It's two full hours of high-waisted hijacks.
What do you mean? shut up. Why don't you shut up? want me to do what to myself? I don't think so. Bob: No, no, you know you go first. No, no, no, you'll go first.
Jinx. No scrutiny. No set tour dates. no predetermined theaters.
Just American legend Clit eastward performing one half of a conversation with an invisible, irritated and foul-mouthed Barack Obama. It's the show Audiences are giving a sitting ovation. Oh. My. God. I loved it all. even the middle 45 minutes when it was just the chair on stage while Clint stood in the back and ate a whole rotisserie chicken. Man, what, The only politician in the hot seat? Don't miss Clint taking it to Jimmy Carter. nice work on those hostages That turned out great Mayor Michael Bloomer. just let people eat soda and Chris Christen. I think we're gonna need a bigger chair. And of course, there's the music. You say potato made him tear. Let's call the whole thing off. ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Voight, It's eastwarded chair. Whoop chair It is. |
dropout | time_warner_cable_guy_porn | I'm here to service you. You're a little late. I said I'd come any time between eight and five. Which means I've still got five minutes. Good. Because I need this bundle.
You're going to have to take all of it. Even the parts you don't care about. Sounds like a huge package. It barely works. You're so much slower than advertised.
If you'd like for me to spank you and call you a dirty girl, say spank. If you'd like for me to pull your hair and call you a slut, say slut.
For more options, say more options. More options. I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. More options.
One moment. I'm sorry, I'm not available to talk dirty right now. Please try again later. Wait. It's not working. Did you try pulling it out and then plugging it back in? Nothing. How about pulling it out, waiting a few seconds, and plugging it back in. Hola, me llamo juan. It's back, but everything's in Spanish now. Hi. And now it's broken again. Well, if that didn't do it, I'm out of options. I could come back two Fridays from now to try again. What time? Whenever I feel like it. I'll wait for you because you're the only penis available in my zip code.
Thanks for getting fucked by Time Warner Cable. Thanks for watching. Click to subscribe for more videos. |
cracked | why_we_ll_never_get_hoverboards | Hey, everyone! Look over here, it's me, Cody!
To the tip of my... ...something. Let's see it in action! He was just about to step on it! Why the hell would you cut away?! The hell is what you're asking? That was my impression of you watching the ad. That's you and your voice.
And the reason Lexus has yet to show anyone actually riding a hoverboard is because it probably looks like this. That skateboarder Dave Carney and video game character magically turned into real-life boy Tony Hawk. They're both doing their darndest to make last year's Hendo hoverboard look halfway functional. Because it turns out that those wheel thingies...wheels? Wheels, under a skateboard, play a pretty key role in not eating shit like a drunk dog park streaker.
Tongue! Tip of my tongue.
What other hindering snag about hoverboards is, like I said, hoverboards don't exist. I'm sorry. They just don't. At least not in the way you or I are picturing them gliding down city streets or grassy park slopes.
Both the Lexus and Hendo prototypes rely on creating a magnetic field for them to work. Meaning that this is a big stupid lie. The Lexus hoverboard isn't hovering. It's locked into place using super conductivity. Which is when you create zero resistance in a magnetic field with extreme cooling. Which is a fancy way of saying that it only works on a special track and has to constantly be fueled by liquid nitrogen. Which is a less fancy way of saying it's a high maintenance non-portable place to stand. Which is a way of saying it's a cheesy replica of a future that won't come true for a long while.
Like virtual reality in the 90s. All these hoverboards are is the next big thing in waiting for your turn at laser tap. Laser tap with incredible 100 foot firing range.
And if you think they're at least a step in the right direction if we pave the earth with nitrogen powered magnets, consider that neither companies are actually planning to sell them. And are instead using the publicity to promote a broader, basically useless technology. But can you blame them?
In all those futuristic movies, did you really think that hoverboards came before the flying cars? Flying cars. Dammit! There's another hoverboard movie that I... Okay, back to the futuristic movies. I'm sorry, but those fictional hoverboards you grew up loving only existed when some tech noir executive was sitting around like... Boys, we've made hover cars, trucks, boats, trains, motorcycles, mopeds, buildings. Let's just take that scooter and rip the handlebars off and we'll do skateboards now. It's nanobots instead of smoke. Because it's the future. And the non-existent hover technology didn't exist in these movies because someone thought hover car. It was stumbled upon by like some f***ing scientist somewhere. And then some equally f***ing car tycoon somewhere else was like, Hey, let's use it for cars. Again, I'm sorry for breaking your heart. But when you really think about it, why the hell do you even care if hoverboards exist?
Statistically speaking, you don't skateboard. I don't. And do you think you'll suddenly start if they hover around and are probably way more dangerous? Statistically speaking, you're not even physically active. I know I'm not. My heart doesn't even beat.
The only hover anything people of the future will be riding are the hover chairs from WALL-E. And they'll probably just use them to fly around from fast food restaurant to fast food restaurant. They'll call them like McFly's.
Future Sport! Future Sport, that's the movie.
It's killing me. Silly Cody. Hello? Anybody home? Think Cody, think! Wait. Doc, are you telling me you built a hoverboard? But not? |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Rock_Doc_Dicks | We're here today talking about rock doc dicks, which are documentaries about rock stars that make their subjects look like dicks. Let me ask you guys something. When you go to a concert, do you like to hear songs, or do you like to hear sermons about South Africa? Mmm, sermonizing. Well then, I've got the film for you.
I'm going to be talking about Rattle and Hum, which is a 1988 documentary about U2, following them on their 1987 Joshua Tree tour. U2 basically can't get through any song in this movie without telling you who the song's about, why they wrote it, and what you should do after you hear the song to make the world a better place. It's like VH1's storytellers, only even more annoying. Before Rattle and Hum, probably the last word you would have used to describe U2 was bluesy. And yet, here they are trading licks with B.B. King. Do you think B.B. King was just being polite? I don't think he had any idea who these Irish guys were. Then there's this scene where U2 visits Graceland, just like Spinal Tap did five years earlier. Too much. Of course, they were doing it for comedic effect, and U2 is sort of unintentionally funny.
The band's drummer, Larry Mullen Jr., is making a big deal about how sad he is that Elvis doesn't have more dignity and depth. I really wish that he'd been buried somewhere where I couldn't have gone. I would have felt better.
You know, I don't know why. It's just one of those things. He says this while a camera crew is following him through Elvis' house. It's a moment that seems sincere, but it also feels very staged at the same time, and I think that's a good metaphor for the whole movie.
Your rock dog dicks aren't as famous as U2, but their big work counts in the dick department. Yes, the documentary you're talking about is called Dig in 2004 by a filmmaker named Andi Timiner. It's a great documentary with pretty much no likable characters in it. It's sort of about the rivalry between two bands, the Dandy Warhols and the Brian Jonestown Massacre. On the one hand, we have Courtney Taylor Taylor, awesomely dickish name, leader of the Dandy Warhols, who is basically just a walking ego.
I do everything. I sneeze and hits come out.
Courtney Taylor gets in a fight with the world-class photographer slash video maker Dave LaChapelle, who makes the Dandy Warhols a video. He started screaming that he has done thousands of videos. He used the word thousands. I've done thousands of videos and I know how I look.
It shows that the pretension that takes place at the height of rock stardom that you see in Randall and Hum also takes place at sort of the bottom of rock stardom. On the flip side, we have Anton Newcomb, who is presented as sort of the true artist. I make great records for a living. We're like the most prolific people probably in North America.
But that doesn't really excuse him just being a dick to everybody. He punches his bandmates on stage, kicks an audience member in the face. He's not a great guy.
I am not for sale. This is a gift for you. I'm watching it again and watching how aggressive Newcomb gets. I almost make it a tie, but I'm voting Taylor Taylor for bigger dick out of the two dicks and not in a physical sense. What are you, fucking stupid? So Nathan, your rock doc dick actually might be a genius. Yeah. I'm going to be talking about Lil Wayne and his movie The Carter. It's less of sort of a rock doc than it is sort of a desperate cry for help.
Pretty much every moment throughout this entire film, he is high on something. He's particularly addicted to syrup. A very sweet beverage called cough syrup. Prescription strength cough syrup. Not the shit that your mother gave you when you had a cold.
He's also a terrible father, and he has this really adorable daughter. Somebody painted this in jail. And there's a moment when the director asks. What's the best present that he ever gave you? Oh, him being here. What makes it even more heartbreaking is interviewer asks Lil Wayne, if you were president, what would you do?
I put a lot to it. There's no more child support. And I thought, oh my God, that's very, very strange that he would allow sort of a depiction of him that's so harsh and brutal. And by harsh and brutal, I mean true. Not surprisingly, he sued to keep the film from being released. I loved it.
Is it the case that just all famous musicians are just going to be dicks by virtue of the fact that everyone says yes to them all the time and feeds them sizzurp? Oh, they start to believe their own high. For more rock doc dicks, go to adclub.com. |
dropout | if_sex_talk_was_like_office_talk | Something I need to talk to while I schedule a live? Yes, we'll interface somewhere else so we don't inconvenience you.
Sure. Please grab my hair at your earliest convenience. No problem. I'll do that ASAP. Checking in about nipples? Oh, here they are. Sorry for the delay. Cheers, thanks.
Just wanted to run an anal up the flagpole. Let's put a pin in it.
Great. Ball's in your court. Copy that. I'd love to put oral on the radar. Got it. I'll make that an action item. Much appreciated. I just want to check in and get a bad anal. Is that still on the table? It's on the docket. Let's circle back to that. Great. I can read Judge John about lube. Noted.
I'd be remiss not to bring 69 to the table. That's problematic for me. I don't have the bandwidth to both give and receive right now.
Just doing my due diligence. What are your thoughts on changing positions? I'd love to diversify. Great. Whatever it takes to reach our bottom line.
I'm feeling a little out of the loop. Oh, apologies.
Speaking of loops, I'd love to close the loop on anal. I'd love to discuss that more. Let's table it for this meeting. I'm feeling bullish about it. I'd love to bump that up. If that's the case, I'd like to take a knee on anal for this round.
Understood. Need to send up a flare regarding involuntary condom removal due to friction? I've already got a handle on it.
I'll be back on momentarily. Sounds good. Standing by. That motion is gaining traction. Great. Play me when you're close. Well, I've completed on my end. Me too. We really raised the par. I'd love to download with you later today to have a post-mortem. Sounds great.
Best.
Hey, did you hear we got a new copier?
Oh! |
TheOnion | tidal_pools_nature_s_putrid_sewers_horrifying_planet_ep_3 | The intertidal zones of the Earth's oceans teem with life. Literal cesspools, tidal pools fill and refill with the ocean's putrid waste as it is sucked up from the sea floor. They are truly Earth's sewers. Tides are caused by the Moon. The Moon's gravitational pull also sucks up the faeces and urine of the ocean floor, dumping it in the intertidal zones. The tide goes out, revealing pus-filled cysts known as tide pools, while the Moon itself remains hypocritically pristine.
Crabs are one of the many disgusting denizens of intertidal pools. They feed on faeces and corpses with their demonic mouths. Scuttling hither and thither, they compete relentlessly for the juiciest excrement. Finding a walrus turd is truly nirvana for these abhorrent beasts. After accumulating too much filth to move, crabs bathe themselves in the ocean. Waste floods off the crab's exoskeleton and back into the tide pools as the cycle of shit begins anew. Sea anemones are the most disgusting of all tidal creatures. Their thick, tentacle arms are engorged with the collected urine that makes up much of tide pools. Whale urine, fish urine, otter urine, crab urine, all sucked up by the Moon and deposited in these natural outhouses.
Contrary to popular belief, sea urchins are not in fact animals. Indeed, they are not alive at all.
They are simply the clumped together leavings of the ocean's denizens. Starfish reluctantly wade through these filthy pools in search of food. Unwanted in the sea or anywhere else, these pariahs must toil away for their living under the most putrid of environments. Their humiliating lifestyle is simply one of many on our horrifying planet. |
TheOnion | Study_Finds_It_Statistically_Impossible_That_Your_Mom_The_Best_Mom_In_The_World | From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, this is the Topical. I'm Leslie Price, and I'm about to blow my whole news wad right here and now. Here are today's top stories.
President Trump is accusing New York of padding the state's coronavirus mortality rate by including African-American deaths. Trump dismissed the latest set of statistics as, quote, "...totally overblown," calling it very unfair to start adding in a bunch of people who died of the virus who were also very clearly black. Trump went on to demand an apology from New York Governor Andrew Cuomo for the inflated death totals and for even harboring African-Americans in the first place.
And troubling news out of Chicago, with Mayor Lori Lightfoot reporting that the city is exhausted nearly 85% of its reserve Italian beef supply during the coronavirus shelter in place. Even worse, Mayor Lightfoot said that the city's tanks holding Italian beef drippings could be completely dry by as early as next week.
And that's it for today's important news. Could probably end it right here, but unfortunately we haven't heard a single ad yet, so we'll be back with some fluff right after this.
To you, your mother is the best mom in the world, right? Well, according to a new study from the University of Iowa, that might not be so. The study, which observed thousands of mothers across the country for multiple years, found that, statistically speaking, your mom is nowhere close to being the best mom in the world. In fact, she's far from it and is actually not that special, just like every other mom on the planet.
Here with more is the study's author, sociologist Dr. Kenneth Wagner. Dr. Wagner, thanks for being here. My pleasure, Leslie. So take us through the study.
During our hundreds of thousands of observation hours, it started to become clear that your mom, who you think is the most wonderful, strongest woman on the planet, is most likely just barely average. That's a hard pill to swallow. When I think about mothers, including my own, I'm left in awe by their unending love, supports, and willingness to sacrifice for their children. Well, according to our study, those attributes might seem rare, but are actually nothing to write home about. Think about it. Is it really that impressive that she supported you when you switched from engineering to communications your sophomore year of college? Well, it felt like a big deal to me, but maybe not. Yeah, maybe not. Big whoop, in fact, according to our study. Well, here's where I'm getting stuck. Obviously, if maternity can be measured on a bell curve, then someone's mom has got to be the best mom in the world. Why not one of ours? Our sample pool had some real contenders, like moms with really sick kids who donate their bone marrow so the kid can eke out a few more precious years, or those moms who always include in their kids' lunch boxes those little cookie sticks you can dip in chocolate fudge. Yes. But both those types of mothers were always prone to loving their children a little too much, to the point where they were at fault for considering their children to be the most special in the world, which was really annoying and kind of pathetic, according to our findings. Wow, well, these findings are tough to hear. I'm sure they are.
But what the person tuned into this podcast needs to realize is that they see their mom through rose-colored glasses. You love your mom simply because she's your mom. But we found that based on her interactions with those outside her immediate family, your mom has a 68% chance of actually being kind of a bitch. Okay, wow, that's our mothers you're talking about. Unfortunately, our study found there's a strong chance your mom sucks, and you might not know it until long after she's dead, or her worst attributes start to pop up in your own parenting.
Are you kidding? The results of our study found that if you can't see that your mom actually screwed up raising you now, you will someday. What the hell do you know? Just speaking the facts.
What about your mom? What about her? Well, if your study is accurate, then it stands to reason that your mom isn't special either. Well, my mom is different.
She makes the best mashed potatoes and always went to my lacrosse games. Plus, she wasn't like everyone else's mom growing up. She's the best mom in the world.
Well, according to a study I just heard from some annoying scientist named Kenneth, your mom is probably trash. Uh, excuse me? Did you just call my mom trash? Maybe I did call your stupid bitch mom trash.
Go fuck yourself. I will. Just like your mom did last night.
Nuh-uh.
No, your mom had sex with me last night. I know you had sex with your mom last night.
She told me that you had a little dick and hated you. Stop it. I did not have sex with my mom. That's not what she said when she was sucking my dick. Shut up. She was all like, Oh Leslie, oh yeah. Shut up. Stop it. I hate my son's little penis and I love your big one. Mom! Don't Leslie, just stop being mean to me. Bitch, no one talks about my mother that way.
We'll be right back. The novel coronavirus has brought life to a standstill, and for many of us that means no more regular trips to the gym. But is there a way to still exercise while social distancing and being stuck at home with your head between the banisters? I'm joined on the phone by renowned San Francisco trainer Kennedy Forbath to talk about a workout that will take your mind off the fact that your head's been stuck between two curved wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way.
Hi Kennedy. Hi Leslie. Happy to be here.
Thanks for taking the time. Now common sense would tell you, if I slipped my head between the railings just to see if I could, and the next thing you know I'm stuck, and my next door neighbor doesn't hear my calls for help, there's no way I'm getting my day's exercise in. But you say not so fast.
That's right. Being caught in the stairs with no hope of anyone coming to grease the sides of your head to wiggle you free is no excuse to forego your daily cardio. And I've designed a workout to prove just that. Excellent. So for you listeners at home, I've agreed to do the workout with Kennedy live over Zoom during this recording. If you'd like to follow along at home, just get down on your hands and knees and pop your head through your banister to start. All right. First thing you're going to want to do is pull your head and see if you can ride yourself free. Nope. Definitely stuck. Perfect. Let's get to it.
Now, is this going to require any additional equipment? Because I don't have much at my disposal right now. It's all body weight, Leslie. No equipment whatsoever.
First, we're going to hit the anterior chain on the front of your body by propping our feet against the wall and holding it in a pose. Okay. Not bad, but I do feel all the blood rushing to my face. That's a normal thing to feel when two railing pulls are restricting your breathing, so just stay focused and don't panic. Okay. So now let's go from this current position into a push-up position. Get your arms out wide to the side of you so they can support your body moving up and down.
One, two, three. One.
Be careful not to go too fast or you'll get splinters on your neck. I dropped fast after that one and I think I got a splinter on my right side. I can see blood dribbling down onto my mood rings. Now wipe the blood off with your ear or shoulder if you can and let's drop those feet down into a plank.
Yeah. Come on, Price.
Now we're hitting those abs even harder with some mountain climbers. You sound like you're doing a great job and still conscious, Leslie. Just blacking out a little from the pressure around my neck. I know this is supposed to target my abs, but my neck keeps cracking too. That's just your body telling you it's waking up. Hard to breathe now. Now let's turn around and lay on our sides to relieve that neck.
You'll want to rotate slowly. You sound like you're strangling yourself, but you want to remember to avoid doing what we're exercising with our heads stuck in the banisters. Sorry, I slipped out of the banister. I must have been sweating like a pig and shit.
No problem. Just take a second to get back into position so we can finish up strong. Okay, you bet. Back in. I want to thank Kennedy for taking the time to encourage all of us to stay active in these harrowing times. We'll be back right after this. Oh, don't back out on me now, Les. Flip your legs over your head and finish out in a handstand. Okay.
Well folks, the coronavirus has ruined a lot of things. Sports, the economy, my ability to find a single goddamn egg.
But amid all this bad news, there have been moments of unusual beauty, as life slows down and people take time to reflect on the world around them. One of the biggest changes has been in the hustle and bustle of the city, where the cacophony of cars and construction has been silenced, and in its place a new peaceful quiet, one which has allowed the sounds of the natural world to re-emerge. OPR's Jenna Resnick has the story. It's four in the afternoon on a bright, brisk spring Wednesday. Normally this intersection would be enveloped in the deafening roar of endless traffic and people going about their day. But as the coronavirus pandemic has brought life to a screeching halt, nature has slowly started to reclaim what civilization had drowned out. Listen.
Get the fuck out of my face! You asshole! Stop screaming! I didn't do anything! You're being fucking crazy! Just fuck up and die!
Did you hear that? It's the soothing call of a doomed relationship, something many people who live here had almost forgotten the sound of. But now, with noise pollution reduced to a whisper, the sounds of these couples' blowout fights echo throughout the streets unchallenged.
I should have listened to my mother when she warned me about you. She told me you were a controlling, conniving person.
Oh, fuck you! Fucking bitch!
These fights have always been there, like hidden whispers unnoticed by most. Now they are out front, singing their song of hatred. And many residents have welcomed the change. I'm gonna take these songs and drive them through your stupid eyes! It wasn't something I ever really thought about, but now every time I go for a walk, I hear a dozen screaming matches coming from windows and rooftops. It really makes me think about whether the way we've been living is healthy. I know, you get so used to the sounds of the city, you forget what nature actually sounds like. Get the fuck away from me! As one meanders through the park, or down the now empty boulevards, the thing you may be most struck by is the sheer variety of shouts and insults. We are surrounded by a thousand different kinds of imploding couples, but we never stopped to listen.
Oh, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about! You don't work! You don't do anything! All you do is listen to yourself on your stupid podcast all day!
Like you would know. I can't even stand to look at you anymore! Yeah, no kidding!
I'm going for a walk.
Oh, great! So great. Glad you're handling this so well. Why don't you go tell your little friend Steve all about it? Okay!
Yeah, I fucked him! So what? Like I didn't know that. Newsflash, uh-huh? You wouldn't know how to work your dick if it came with an instruction manual! Oh, yeah?
Well, I hope you catch coronavirus and fucking die!
Mm, amazing. These have been challenging times, but it's little things like this that can give us hope for tomorrow. That these couples can continue to melt down and finally tell each other how they feel in the face of a pandemic, it just goes to show that nature will always find a way. For OPR, I'm Jenna Resnick. Thank you so much for that, Jenna. A true testament to nature's unbreakable desire for suffering. We'll be back in a moment.
Well, not everything can be as uplifting as that last story. There's a lot of bad people in this world doing a lot of bad things, and nothing gives me more pleasure than to talk about them at length. Here's what else you need to know today. Well, Sunday might be Mother's Day, but not everyone is celebrating. Due to lack of available resources at many hospitals around the country, the Surgeon General's office is urging pregnant Americans who may soon be going into labor to suck that thing back up there and hold it in for a few more months if they can.
And for those still sheltering in place, Nike has released a limited edition self-quarantine sneaker for milling about the house. The shoes come with specially designed arches that support your feet when you barely lift your toes off the ground to get back and forth between the couch and the bathroom. The new design also comes in a great array of color combinations, even though you'll be the only one who sees them.
And finally, oh, Jesus Christ, more corrections. All right, fine, here we go. There's a lot of misinformation going around during this pandemic, and we here at The Topical are just as susceptible to it as anyone, so we'd like to issue the following corrections from yesterday's episode.
First off, Georgia is still part of the United States.
That was our mistake. Second, it's pronounced Dr. Fauci, not Dr. Fettuccine, and certainly not Dick Fawcett, so we apologize for that as well.
Also, our financial expert reported yesterday that we're all worth more dead than alive, and that if we really cared about our families, we'd do the right thing. We're still waiting on confirmation to this story, so don't take out that life insurance policy just yet.
Not sure how that one got past us. Anyway, we here at OPR would like to apologize for any confusion or inconvenience these errors may have caused, and as always, we'll try to do better the next time. Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
cracked | temp_b | It's Wednesday, December 19th, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and to recap, it's Wednesday, December 19th, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm glad we got that straight.
Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant in news that comes as a shock to absolutely no one familiar with the Spears family. What is shocking, however, is that the fetus is also pregnant, Britney herself is the father and that ultrasounds have not already publicized the youngest Spears' genitalia for all the world to see.
Atlanta is now America's bank robbery capital. FBI reports show that a bank is robbed in Atlanta nearly every day. Residents are advised to use a different goddamn bank.
Why would they keep... I don't know. Roger Anabolic Clemmons yesterday denied allegations that he used steroids. Clemmons told reporters, Steroids bad! He then threw three of the reporters into the ceiling before making his exit by smashing a hole in the wall with his bare hands. And I mean literally bare hands.
Jimmy Kimmel is joining Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien in returning to the airwaves in January. Reached for comment, Kimmel told the News on Cracked, I still have a show? I don't just sit around all day banging Sarah Silverman and wishing I had Adam Carolla's figure? Cool! We agree, Jimmy.
The Indian teacher has been arrested for using electric shocks to discipline his students. Students in the classroom were reportedly shocked.
Which I just told you. Yeah. We'll pass on that one. The Oscars will be without writers this year, as the Writers Guild of America won't authorize its members to step over the picket lines for the award show. This news is surprising, because we always thought the Oscars were written by a team of semi-literate monkeys. And as everyone knows, monkeys have yet to unionize. It's what differentiates us from them. But fret not, Oscars. Here at the News on Cracked, our writers have an inspirational slogan that we use to help us get through the tough times. And it just might help you, too. It's, we write award shows when the Writers Guild of America won't.
Call me. You have my number. And finally, Vladimir Putin was named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. In a statement, Putin told reporters, Do svidaniia, doriben, Ia Taklubliia tibiia, oshinrachato, Tebiia visio korgeo. He added, I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Perabizvatsiia. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back tomorrow, or we'll have a good summer. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_a_guy_named_ethan_on_the_2024_oscars_snubs_snl | Well, Oscar nominations were announced on Tuesday and many critics have been breaking down the first-time nominees and surprise snubs. here to comment is a guy named Ethan. hey, Colin. thanks so much for having me. I'm Ethan. hi, Ethan. so do you work for the Oscars or something? No, I could, but I actually started my own award show for movies that really amused me, Ethan. And I'm excited to announce this year's nominees for best performance That reminded Ethan, me, of moments from Ethan's, my past. the nominees are: Bradley Cooper marrying a woman, Maestro, been there, Paul Giamatti's eye condition, the holdovers, been there, and finally, the chickens building a fort, Chicken Run, Dawn of the Nugget.
I ain't no chicken, but I've been there. you've been there? I'm sorry. that award doesn't make sense. I know, I know. there are some serious snubs. I'm so offended. Wait, you're offended. don't you choose who gets nominated at the Ethan's? yeah, and it's a real problem. the lack of diversity. Can you believe this, Colin? the Academy is 100% Asian. that's why I'm asking everyone here tonight to donate to the hashtag Ethansoasian. I'm sorry.
Do you want people to donate to What?
Who is in the Academy for the Ethan's? Well, I'll show you. here's a photo from the Ethan Academy's last meeting.
Is that your baby? What? No, I'm only 15. I don't believe you.
Well, fine. I was born on Leap Day, so I'm actually 60. Okay.
Asian don't raise in. right, Colin? Anyway, do a lot of the Ethan awards at least go to Asian people?
No, I get too jealous. would any of them win anything? it's a real problem. Yeah, that's really too bad.
But the Ethan's have a new category this year. super exciting. Ethan, I will be handing out the award for movie moment that made Ethan say, okay, wait, what? nice. The nominees are the dance scene, Barbie, the penis dance scene, Salt Burn. and finally, the digital artist that created Flounder for reminding me of my ex. Rest in peace. I don't think I understand that category either. How's that any different from the Oscars, Colin? Amen. amen. Ethan. time for our in memoriam segment. What? Okay. blink. I don't know anyone who died this year. another blessed year for Ethan. Yeah. I'm so honored to be accepting an Ethan this year. may I, Colin? I guess so. Sure. this is Ethan's first win and 700th nomination.
Thank you so much. But I want to thank me for believing in me. And I want to say to myself in front of all you beautiful people, go girl with your bad self. you did that.
Yeah, that was Nisi Nash's speech from the Emmys this year. What? No. this is my lived experience.
Finally, I accept this award on behalf of all Black women. Ethan from the Ethan's, everyone. My last name is Oscars. it's an Oscar. |
dropout | what_social_anxiety_feels_like | The doctors said it was just a bizarre case of shingles. Wow, that's terrible.
I know. I'm gonna go refill that ice.
No, no, no. Stop bringing up your sad shingle story. Oh no. Anxiety? Why are you here? I really wanted to go to this party alone. And now you're just standing here. Get your phone out.
Look busy. What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you want people to see you doing that? Doing what? Eating? Yes. Oh my God.
People are gonna see how you eat. You've been looking at that alone for way too long. People are gonna realize that you only know the host like some kind of a weird loner.
Enter conversation. Stop. Can't you see they don't want to talk to you? Yeah, I guess. Stop. They clearly don't want to talk to you either. Okay. Are you fucking crazy? He doesn't want to be cornered by you.
And what would you even say would be so awkward? Well I'm sorry anxiety but everyone seems off limits.
Hi. I'm Zach. This is my friend Siobhan. I'm Katie. How do you guys know?
Cynthia.
They hate what you're wearing and they know you're lame. You're gonna ruin this conversation. Get out now.
Say you're hungry. Hmm. I'm hungry. Oh, me too. I think I'm gonna make a plate. Oh, I'll come with you.
You idiot. Now it looks like you've latched onto them. Actually, I'm not. Never mind. Great. You left them to stand in a corner. Now they think you're rude.
Your third drink? People are gonna think you're an alcoholic. Yeah, I'm just like red solo cups. Why are they so popular?
Terrible topic. But thank God you're finally talking to someone. Wait. That's her landlord. He just responded to a noise complaint. You shouldn't be talking to him.
Hey, everybody. Have any of you heard? Sorry, guys. Hi.
Does anybody here have a vacation story that could be fun? Anybody. No one is talking to you. You don't belong here. You should just go home right now. Hey, has anybody here been to Iceland ever?
Oh, God. No.
Play it off as a joke. Show them you can laugh at yourself.
And watch me trip. And watch me bang me. And watch me trip. Trip. And watch me bang me.
I'm not with her. |
cracked | every_hand_shaker_s_worst_fear | Oh my gosh, Pete Tompkins! I haven't seen this guy for like four years! Hey dude, what's going on? I think I know you. You were the bestest of friends! Come in here for a hug.
What's his name? Bill? Ted?
No, that's a movie. Come on buddy, what are you doing? What are you doing?
You trying to hug me? Put the other arm out there. Dude, I am going to give you a hearty handshake and nothing more. Come on, Pete, bring it in. Don't make this awkward. I mean, I'm gonna hug. This doesn't have to be awkward.
There's no way around it.
Hands only. Look at the hand. Touch the hand.
That is all. You were best friends.
Are you just gonna give me a handshake after four years of not seeing each other? Hand is extended. The body is not available for hugging. Oh, you know, I bet he doesn't recognize me because of my hand. I'll just- What are you doing? I'm not going to hug you. Now he'll recognize me.
Come on, Petey. Put the hug down. Put it down. Give your buddy a hug, Petey. No hugging.
Come on. Will you just come on, dude? Give me a hug. Don't you bring those hugs into my house. Come on, man. Come on.
We do not know each other. You are not my mother.
Just get it closer. Or my grandmother. Just give me the hug. Or my girlfriend.
We're hugging. You are a guy who- We're not going to handshake. Who I barely know. This is for you. Handshakes today. Hugs never- It is time to hug now. Ah! Hugging. I'm gonna do it. I am not gonna handshake you. We are not hugging! Well, all right. I'll shake. Ah! The bestest of friends come in here for a hug.
What's his name? Bill? Ted?
No, that's a movie. Come on, buddy.
What are you doing?
You trying to hug me? Put the other arm out there. Dude, I am going to give you a hearty handshake and nothing more. Come on, Pete. Bring it in. Don't make this awkward. I mean, I'm good at hugging. This doesn't have to be awkward.
There's no way around it.
Hands only. Look at the hand. Touch the hand. That is all. You are best friends. You just gonna give me a handshake after four years of not seeing each other? Hand is extended. The body is not available for hugging.
Oh, you know, I bet he doesn't recognize me because of my hat. I'll just- What are you doing? I'm not going to hug you. Now he'll recognize me.
Come on, Petey. Put the hug down. Put it down. Give your buddy a hug, Petey. No hugging.
Come on. You just come on, dude. Give me a hug. Don't you bring those hugs into my house. Come on, man. Come on.
We do not know each other. You are not my mother.
Just get it closer. Or my grandmother. Just give me the hug. Or my girlfriend.
We're hugging. You are a guy. We're not going to handshake. Who I barely know. This is for you. Handshakes today. Hugs never- It is time to hug now. Ah! Hugging. I'm gonna do it. I am not gonna handshake you. You're not hugging.
Well, all right. I'll shake. Ah! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_chloe_fineman_s_save_the_last_dance_holiday_gift_snl | Well guys, the holidays are coming up here with some intimate gift ideas for that special someone is our very own Chloe Fineman Hi, Chloe. what are you doing in front of the desk? Well, I only have one sexy gift idea and I kind of have to demonstrate it. Oh okay, well, I'm curious. Gift you can give your partner is trying something new in the bedroom. What are you about to do? I don't know, but I'm getting my popcorn out for this. The perfect holiday gift this year is the dance that Julia Stiles does at the end of the 2001 movie Save the Last Day Chloe. What are you talking about? you think this is a sexy dance to give your partner, don't you? I mean not not really.
While of dance even. is this street ballet street ballet, Yeah, basically Julia South character Julia South character Sarah is an out-type ballerina who additions to get into Juilliard but doesn't get in. and then her mom on the same day dies in a car crash. Okay, so where does the street element come in? Come on, Sarah moves to the South side of Chicago and go to a more urban high school where she learns hip-hop exactly, So Sarah combines hip-hop with ballet to create an entirely new style of dance like this. Okay, and then and then what happened?
She gets another audition for Juilliard and her crush Derek gets the drive-by shooting to come support her. He shows up holding a jacket over his shoulder and gives us not of approval. So does she get into Juilliard? Sarah did get into Juilliard. Well, you didn't see the end of the dance and what did you think? Well, I can't say this on the record yet, but welcome to Juilliard. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_aa_meeting_snl | And That's when I looked in the mirror and I didn't even see myself anymore. I Saw a guy who steals from his own mother for another bottle of booze, but I'm grateful for 90 days with no drink. Thank You so much, Spencer. All Right, who else would like to share? Now, Jesse, how about you? You've been coming for a while and you've never shared with the group? Well, here's something I've been thinking about for a while. Please, you can tell this group anything. Okay, here goes. I Have the perfect idea for a Pixar movie. What's that? A Concept. For A touching computer-animated film, it's about lost luggage trying to find its way home. All Right, well, let's just stay on the topic of recovery. Does Anyone else wanna share? Jackie? Jackie, hello, Catholic. Hi, Jackie. On Tuesday, I Drove to a liquor store and I, I'm sorry. So The suitcases all have personalities? Yeah, and the zippers are their mouths. I actually mocked up some artwork. So This guy's the main character. He's like a regular everyday suitcase. And Then you got the briefcase guy. He's a little uptight, but he's funny. That's Jason Bateman. I Literally wrote that in a Google doc. Oh, oh, oh, and there's a Jim back. Don't tell me his name is Jim. It literally is. Oh, and maybe there could be like a lady suitcase who's got like, I don't know, boobs. What would that even look like? Oh, well, I did mock up some artwork just now, but I said it. Oh, and maybe there's a minion type character, like a neck pillow that goes like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You're in the movie. Whoa. Can I be in the movie? No, but get this. There's, there's this other bag, right? Pierre. He's like a fancy French bag. Stickers from all over the world, acts all cultured, like he's better than them. I Hate that bag. Right, But listen, halfway through, this bag gives an emotional speech where he opens up, kind of like us right now. I Drank recently, by the way. It goes, sure, I've been to Paris, Milan, Tokyo, but I've only ever been to the airports and the hotels. I've never really seen these places, but then as the credits roll, we see Polaroids from all these famous landmarks. The Bags took Pierre to finally see the world. I Love that bag, man. What About the song? What, what? All These movies have some kind of big song, some they can sing at the Oscars. She's right. But what would it sound like? I don't know. Maybe Something like. When you lost your way and you're far from home, Take faith in new friends, cause you're not alone. And Pack yourself with love. Everybody's gotta. Pack Yourself with love. A suitcase with boobs. Your Wheel may be broke, but you can't give up. You Gotta pack yourself with love. Oh, I Guess the last question is, who's gonna play the main suitcase? Our Everyman, our Woody. Who's who, huh? I'm Tom H. I'm here just to research a role and also I may be an alcoholic. Yo, Tom, if you were a suitcase, what would your catchphrase be? Huh, suitcase? Well, I Guess it'd be something like, that really snags my zippers. You Got it. You're gonna sell with love. |
TheOnion | u_s_turns_to_the_makers_of_foul_tasting_but_successful_zico_coconut_water_to_turn_economy_around | Let's get to our top story in Washington today. Looking to jumpstart the country's fiscal recovery, President Obama has turned America's economy over to Blake Morris, the man in charge of Zika coconut water. The president agrees that it basically tastes like ball sweat, but you can't deny the simple fact that this stuff is absolutely everywhere. Anyone who can sell this garbage by the truckload obviously knows how to bring in capital, and we're confident Mr. Morris will steer the country into solvency. All right, for more on that story, let's go to Jane Carmichael now in Washington.
Hi, Jane. Hi, Brooke. Jane, you should really tip your makeup people. They've done a wonderful job today of covering up those crow's feet. Thank you, Brooke.
And I'm very sorry to hear about the horrible things you suffered in the Soviet space program, all those awful experiments, electric shocks when you fell asleep for more than ten minutes, that terrible chimpanzee in the puzzle games. Jane, I really forbid you to talk about this any further on my show. It's just that it all makes so much sense now, Brooke. All the years of intimidating and belittling me, you really can't help it, can you? You poor, poor woman. Jane, this is unacceptable. We don't need to hear any more about this. |
SaturdayNightLive | bad_guys_good_conversation_saturday_night_live | Welcome to Bad Guys and Good Conversation, a show that proves that obscure movie. Bad Guys also have interesting things to say. I'm your host, Johnny Lawrence, from Karate Kid. and joining me on the panel today are some of my favorite bad guys. from Die Hard, Criminal Mastermind, Hans Gruber. it's a pleasure to be here. she's the crazy lady from Fatal Attraction. please welcome the lovely Alex Forrest. lovely. you're too kind, Johnny. And from Silence of the Lambs, some call him Buffalo Bill. I call him Jamie Gump. it's always nice to be out of the house.
Okay, let's begin. start the show! What? I said, start the show! Do you have a problem with that? Mr. Lawrence? No Sensei! Good! let's get the conversation started. here's a question.
I think we bad guys get a lot. Why are you bad?
We'll start with Hans Gruber. Johnny, don't you think you should start with me? No, we're going in order, Alex. I won't be ignored, Johnny. no one is ignoring you.
Jeez. So Hans, why are you bad? Well, my name is Hans Gruber. and I sound like this, so my options were limited. Alex, why are you bad? I'm bad for love, Johnny. do you want to be bad with me? please say yes. Okay, you need to dial it way back, Alex, okay? Jamie, why are you bad? I'm a crazy person. and I would say that I don't consider myself bad. I'm just a prick. Mercy's for the weak.
All right. Okay, moving on.
Valentine's Day is just around the corner. what do you guys look for in significant others?
Hans? the opposite of Mclean. Officer John Mclean.
Alex? I'm looking for a young, strapping man. athletic, floppy blonde hair, preferably a red jacket. Fantastic. Jamie? If I had to choose, I'm looking for a great big fat person. I like you. you're interesting. trust me, I'm the all-time wrongest tree to bark up. No. hard to get. Me likey.
Seriously, Alex, don't. Oh, this is always an interesting question on our show. what's the worst thing you've ever done, Hans? I failed to kill John Mclean. I was unkind to a rabbit. Worst thing, one time I murdered a woman and cut off her flesh for the purposes of sewing it into a skin suit that I could wear over my own skin instead of getting a sex change operation. I was going to say that I wanted to cheat in a karate tournament, but that seems kind of lame now.
Well, that's all the time we have. Finish it! No, I'm trying to finish it. Finish it!
Jeez. All right, that's all the time we have on bad guys and good conversation. join me next week when my guest will be biff from Back to the Future and the lady from misery. Thank you. |
CrackerMilk | how_girls_waste_their_money | Hey babe.
Oh! What? Oh!
My face. Yeah. No, I just had a facial. They just get like this implement. It's like long and it's the head is like kind of square and they just tenderize the flesh. They just whack your face a lot and then that creates trauma to the skin and that increases cell turnover and collagen and stuff. Do you mean a hammer? Yeah, like a hammer.
Is there any science behind this? I just leave it to the professionals. I don't Google that stuff. I just go, okay, what's going to make me look young? It looks like it's getting redder. Babe, do we have any morphine in the house? Aren't you excited to be with such a young, working baby girl?
That's me after this. Ooh. I can't cry though. If the tears hit my raw flesh, it will sting because of the salt content in your tears. Hey. Who the fuck is this? Oh, that's my flame guy.
Hey guys, we've got a podcast that we're releasing every week. The Cracamole podcast. It's on a separate other channel called the Cracamole podcast so you can go and check that out.
Are you drunk? No dude, I'm not drunk. Paint doesn't make you drunk. You've been drinking paint? Yeah. You guys, you guys got any paint? |
SaturdayNightLive | nelson_s_baby_toupees_snl | The first months of a child's life are a special time. as your baby acquires the skills of social interaction, impressions are made that will last a lifetime. Unfortunately, this baby, and millions of other male babies just like him, spend months suffering through the shame and disgrace associated with male infantile baldness. it's a scientific fact that males lag developmentally behind females. Add male infantile baldness, and that means low self-esteem, decreased confidence, and even lowered social status. Is that what you want for your child? that's why our scientists at Nelson Pediatrics developed these baby toupees. thanks to the pattern technology and the cooperation of the Chinese Government, we can now take an adult-sized toupee and adapt it to fit your baby's head. it's fake hair with real results. Look at this child bursting with self-esteem, oozing with confidence. Now, look at him two weeks ago. he's like a brand-new person, and the best part is, you can't even tell it's fake. And look at Mr. Popular. now he's king with a play date. he looks good, and he knows it. Isn't that what every parent wants? I should know. I'm not only the President of Nelson's baby toupees, I'm also the father of a client. Nelson's baby Toupees. from the good people who brought you baby bills. you gave him life. Now give him confidence. |
cracked | tidal_by_jay_z_beyonce_rihanna_cracked_responds | Guys, there's a new music streaming service called Tidal. It's a service sort of like Google Play or Pandora or Spotify.
There's not a free version, but it's $10 to get it and $20 to get a nicer version. And so the people behind it made a video about why they want their $20. I figured we could try to find out.
Do they know that that's considerably more than everything else that does the same thing? Like twice as much. Well, as you'll see, they're all very rich.
That is not who I expected that voice to be attached to. You know this is a serious moment when Daft Punk still shows up as robots. Right. Jay-Z shaking hands with robots.
Did they say they're going to take a last stand against... Like the X-Men? They're going to have a shootout with iTunes?
Why are they even giving them champagne? They can't drink it with their helmets on. So they still haven't told us what this is.
So thank you for telling me earlier. This is just a celebration of wealth right now. It's just people getting together. Hey, we all have lots of money. We should be in the same room. Right. They're just congratulating themselves for being there.
Well, maybe they don't do that enough. Maybe you need to practice some self-love, some appreciating what you've done. Chris Martin doesn't get to hear good job from Jay-Z as often as he probably should. No, probably not. And there's a video conference.
Usher looks so bored. The most awkward Usher has ever been in his life.
What does Madonna mean by taking art away from technology and moving art towards humans? Is that what she said? It's about bringing humanity back to being an artist, not technology, art, human art. Is she under the impression that music is being made not by humans? So they're against technology and they want art to go to humans via this technology.
Because this is clearly just Spotify, but $10 more. Title. It's called Title. Like, they're pirates piracy. So a title wave comes and destroys a stone. I wonder why they didn't call it Kraken.
Jay-Z, did he intentionally match all the umbrellas to his shirt? Yeah, he knew he was doing it.
I like that none of them attend a meeting more impressively than I do. They all sit and listen and just try to maintain a really interesting face. Nobody sits up straight.
Everybody should look to the left of Jay-Z in that shot. Like, there's a woman who's just like asleep, Kanye's doing a crossword puzzle or something.
There are all these clips of all the artists talking to each other, explaining the product to themselves. Right, so they've all already agreed to. Right, they know why they're there. And so now here's Jay-Z talking to Daft Punk about the thing that they all know. Like, this thing is the thing that everyone wanted and everyone feared. They're all just talking to each other, saying how great it is. Yeah. But what is it? They've all already agreed on this investment, too, so that you guys, that was some real smart money that we just spent. Title. Yeah, that's our product.
At what price would you buy this? Like, when would you put money down? Um, if I paid $20 and Jay-Z would come sing to me the songs.
That's pretty good. That would be pretty good. That's a good deal. I would pay...
Any artist, he has to sing it. Right, not just his songs, right? Any artist in the catalog, he's got to come sing it.
I would pay exactly how much I pay for Google Play Music or slightly more with an extra service. Like, they also throw in anything. It could just be an abacus where each little baby is Jay-Z's face. That would be enough for me. This music service was, instead of being a music service, a flash game. Yes. That was totally good. I would totally buy it now. If it was like a free flash game. Flappy Bird with Jay-Z. Yeah, if it was Jay-Z, he'd tell me to buy it. Every couple minutes the game pauses and he's like, hey, buy title.
Subscribe to our channel and make sure to leave some comments for us. What would you think? I don't like that either. Leave some comments for us to read. Like you should have written it on a skateboard. Hey, it's so good. Hey, y'all. Thanks for watching the video and clicking the like button. And subscribing to our channel. Leave some comments.
Tell us what you think they were thinking during that press conference. What was Usher thinking? What does Rihanna doodle on the free pad of paper? I don't know. I want to find out from you. How thankful was Madonna for being invited? Very. |
CrackerMilk | when_she_can_t_afford_rent | How much do I owe you for rent again? $800. I just don't have a lot of Money at the moment. Is there something else that I could give you? instead No, I'd probably just like the money. Could I interest you in? One tip. I'd really just appreciate the rent money.
There's so much surface area, you know so many options I don't really want that and I'm into everything Holding hands tongue in mouth showering with my clothes off Watching each other Go number two.
You know what? Let's just forget about it. Okay, really? Yeah.
Well, I mean, it's just Monopoly money Okay Thanks, my turn You know what else I could give you I could give you instead No, I'd probably just like the money. Could I interest you in? One tip. I'd really just appreciate the rent money.
There's so much surface area, you know, so many options I don't really want that and I'm into everything Holding hands tongue in mouth showering with my clothes off Watching each other Go number two.
You know what? Let's just forget about it. Okay, really? Yeah.
Well, I mean, it's just Monopoly money Okay Thanks, my turn |
dropout | just_pretend_it_s_a_laser | For the Crystal Gems, for the Crystal Skull, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us for this episode, we have Jordan Dahl, John Gutierrez, and Maggie Mayfish. Hi. Alright, well Jordan, you've played with us before, but for the two of you, for any new viewers at home, the game is very simple.
I hear a stack of untrue statements about the things that you know and like, and it's up to you to correct me. The only two rules are you have to proceed your corrections with Um, Actually. If you don't, Jeopardy style, I won't give you the point. And secondly, you can interrupt me whenever you want. The moment you see the thing that's wrong, you can just jump right in there and correct me.
No politeness here. This is not a show about being polite. It's a show about being a shitty asshole.
That's what we're all about here. Fairly simple rules, I think.
Any questions? Any thoughts? Jordan?
You're a shitty asshole. Yes, I encourage you all to, to say shitty asshole at least one time before the end of this episode. It'll be like Beetlejuice for the third time you say shitty asshole. A shitty asshole here?
Oh no. It was awesome. All along. You guys ready to play? You feeling all right? Oh yeah. Alright, go ahead and grab your buzzers and we will get started here.
This is a, this is about He-Man here. He-Man's chief nemesis is Skeletor. Maggie. Oh no, I don't know what I meant. What did you do? Um, actually, uh, he is his like main nemesis, but there are many nemesis in the He-Man universe. I can say chief nemesis.
I guess, man. You know what, I don't think I'm going to give you the point for that. I don't agree either. Like you should. Okay. Uh, here we go.
I love the enthusiasm though. You get quick on the buzzer. That can make a difference.
John. Uh, um, actually Skeletor is not wearing a skin-tight outfit. He just wears a furry loincloth. That is correct, is not a blue skin-tight suit. He just has blue skin. Yeah. Uh, and the things that he's wearing are those like loincloth-y things.
I knew it. And I hesitated. And hesitated. You can tell. Go before you hear the incorrect thing. So much so that you beat it.
That's why I'm looking at Skeletor, he's just all ripped. It does feel like they were adding like a lot of things like, okay, he's a man with a skull for a head. But let's make him sexy. Give him abs and then show it off. Fucking ripped.
And blue. Let's like make him blue. The sexiest color.
Yeah. Just like the Smurfs. Oh my god. Have you seen them? Yeah. That's a point, uh, point.
I do want to call you Goots. Is there a problem? You can call me Goots if you want. Everyone calls me Goots. You say that very begrudgingly, like you don't want that to actually happen. I just feel weird when people ask me if they should call me Goots. It just feels, I can't determine the level of Goots that this conversation could have. Have I reached Goots level yet?
You have. All right. Great. Well, that is a point for Goots.
I will call you that. Viewers at home, please do not call Jonathan Gutierrez Goots. Not yet. Not until you know him a little bit better.
Well, we will move on here to a question about Street Fighter. In Street Fighter, the character of Balrog was originally named and modeled after Muhammad Ali, but fearing legal reprisals when releasing the yet, uh, Goots. Uh, he was actually based off, um, actually, uh, was that enough?
I had it. Do I have to go back in time? No, no, that's all right. It's all right.
Uh, he was, um, actually, he was based off of Mike Tyson and was originally named M. Bison in Japan and they simply switched him with Balrog who, uh, was, um, M. Bison in America. They made that switch from.
That is correct. I can tell from Jordan's face that he knew it as well. I knew that as well. I see Maggie nodding. I, I thought about it, but I, I knew my previous mistake and I was like, hold your horses. They were totally right to be wary there.
Mike Bison is not a great legal cover, right? Well, and at the same time, Mike Tyson was at like peak punching people for things. So he was like, is it supposed to be me?
Oh, great. I have a correction for you in case you care. Yeah. It was correct that, but actually it was M. Bison and they got Balrog all rotated. Yes. I wanted to throw that out. Well, you had a good game. Yeah. Wow.
I'll see myself out. So we will not give you the point. Uh, no, that is still, still one point for you. All right. We'll keep it moving right along.
This is going to be about X-Men. The X-Men Cyclops is often recognized by his iconic Ruby Quartz Visor. Without his Visor or some other means of inhibiting his abilities. When Cyclops opens his eyes, they become apertures to another dimension. Causing focus.
Yes. Jordan. Um, actually he releases a kinetic blast from his, uh, handsomeness. Uh, God, here's the thing.
You are correcting the thing. Correcting the correct thing. I just didn't let you finish. You're correcting the correct thing. You weren't really correcting at the correct time, but I think I'm just going to go ahead and allow it. I'm going to say that. I'm going to say that's a point for Jordan. It is true that those concussive, the concussive blasts are, as a result of apertures opening to another dimension, but, uh, the thing that was going to be wrong had I finished the sentence was, I was going to say there were laser beams, not laser beams, they're concussive optic blasts. So you did end up correcting the thing that would eventually be wrong. I got jittery and traveled forward two seconds in time. And at no point did you say they're not apertures to another dimension. So everything you said technically correct. You did get the correct correction. What are we playing? I'll take a word points for things that are all entirely correct. I'm just going to start correcting, just guesses. Yeah. Um, actually there were only four terms.
I remember because when I learned that I was like, so my dude just shoots punches from his ass. That's amazing. That's a good ability to have. It does feel like you would be one that like Cyclops would constantly be having to explain.
It's like you shoot lasers. It's like, they're not. They're not lasers. Yeah. A lot of people think that because they look and smell like laser. And for all kinds of purposes are lasers. Do you smell lasers? Sure. They're not lasers. Come on. I remember a couple of times in the comics, they've specified that sometimes his kinetic blasts heat things up so fast that they explode, making it look like lasers, but it's definitely not laser. Yeah. At that point that feels like it's just like, yeah, it's not a laser. Come on, man. Just pretend it's a laser. Yeah.
Just tell people. Tell them it's a laser. What are you getting out of explaining yourself?
It's important to me. It's important to me that they know it's a concussive optic blast.
I think when you are an X-Man, you have to be super nerdy and pedantic about it. That's probably true. You have to be very specific because there is an X-Man out there who does have lasers for eyes and you have to separate yourself to be a unique special person. Oh, you're just like Cyclops and they're both like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is unbelievable. You think all laser eye dudes go to the same, go to the same, but I don't have laser eyes. We're confusing ourselves now and that's a problem.
Yeah. That's a point for Jordan. Yes.
Here's a question about Harry Potter. In addition to housing seven years worth of students, Hogwarts is the home of several ghosts, including nearly Headless Nick, Peeves, Moaning Myrtle, the Gray Lady, and the Fat Fryer. Ooh, there are a lot of buttons coming in, but Goose is first. Actually, Peeves isn't technically a ghost. He's a poltergeist.
That's correct. I'm going to be honest. I thought that I would stump you guys with this one. I did. Yeah. I thought I was going to be both of you. Yeah, but yeah, you were both coming in the harvest.
Yeah, very technically not a ghost, a poltergeist, which is a completely separate entity, at least in the Harry Potter universe. Yeah, not in reality. Not in reality. In reality, just the type of ghost.
So as we all know, you're like running to the same Cyclops problem there, but it's like, I'm not a ghost. Listen, I know I do ghost things. I float. I look like a ghost. I do ghost things. I am a ghost, but I'm not a ghost.
Yeah. Can we cut him out of the movies now? He just spends his entire time explaining how he's not a ghost. Yeah. Can a ghost do this? Can you throw us a mug? Yes. A ghost can do that. Yes.
They like being ghosts, right? They party. They like it. I think so. I think they... I guess they never really delve into the sort of the existential question of... Um, actually, they do.
Oh, shit. So when you die, there's like a choice where you can either some sort of cosmic, like, oh, you can choose to have your body stay on Earth. And as nearly Headless Nick tells Harry, he doesn't think his parents would have made that choice. So... Or serious.
They're not ghosts. So then it's the implication then that the only people who, when they die, are like, that was enough for me. Are the ghosts? It's like a purely voluntary thing? They keep it a little big for, like, for J.K. Rowling's purposes, I'm sure, but... Yeah, otherwise it seems like huge existential questions with dealing with the fact that there's ghosts. Why would you be a ghost?
Yeah. Right. It's a huge signing bonus, obviously. We love you.
We want you for the ghost. We'll give you 20 grand if you be a ghost right now. This is a very big choice you have to make. You're either going to be a ghost for the rest of infinity, for the rest of eternity, or not. I'm picturing, like, a ton of 11-year-olds getting to this point in the book and having the same thought and just putting it down and staring into the darkness of their room.
Yeah, it's just like, what is forever? What does forever mean?
What is a ghost? Am I a ghost? In that chapter, nearly Headless Nick turns to the reader and says, you will be a ghost.
He says, you, guess you, Kyle. You choose now. Write your name and blood in the pages and tell us what you would like to do when you die. Those poor Harry Potter kids would absolutely do it. Sure.
Well, this brings us to our game's first shiny question. Now, shiny questions are kind of like shiny Pokemon in that they are basically worth the same thing. They're just a little bit different and a little bit rarer. This is a different format of question. This is a game we call Cryptogiography.
This is a game about mythology and folklore. So when you flip over your boards, you're going to see a map of the world and six different monsters or monsters from folklore from around the world. And I want you to try to place these monsters from their country of origin or as best as you can.
Whoever can place the most correctly will get the one point for this shiny question. Make sense? Cool. Let's flip over those maps and take a look. Are you?
That's it for the preview of Um, Actually. But wait, there's more. In fact, a whole 66% of this episode. So watch it. Just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. And since we're all about being correct here, I should point out that it's not actually 66%. It's 66.6666.
I'm going to show you an image and there'll be something wrong with it. And it'll be up to you to identify the thing that is wrong with the image.
You guys ready? Yes. All right. Let's flip this over. Tell me what's wrong with this image. |
TheOnion | Will_Season_Four_Of_Downton_Abbey_Finally_Show_The_Wizards_Using_Their_Powers | Will Season 4 of Downton Abbey finally show the wizards using their magical powers? Hardcore fans of the series certainly hope so. The popular drama, which follows the lives of a castle of wizards who dress in extravagant magic clothes and speak with wizard accents, has been, surprisingly, magic-free so far. But critics and fans are hoping that all of that could change. With more on what to expect, Nadine Bryant caught up with screen-scene TV blogger Brandon French. Brandon, is magic in the air at Downton this season? Let's hope so. You can only watch the show so long before they deliver what people want, a big family of wizards and their magic servants shooting spells at each other.
Get to the powers! To get to the powers.
And obviously, the show's focus on class struggles means we're definitely in for a pretty epic magical showdown between the upstairs wizards and the downstairs wizards. I'll be surprised if that Hogwarts they live in is even still standing after this season. Won't know until the spells start flying. I can't wait to see those wizards in action. When we come back, Tobey Maguire debuts a new clothing line for people taking naps. |
dropout | the_social_media_version_of_your_ex_girlfriend | So, you guys excited for the big game coming up? Yes, I can't wait to cheer for the home team. Home team, home team, home team.
What's her on? The social media version of my ex just walked in. Oh, that's her ex? Worse, it's the social media version of my ex. It's the version I scroll past on Facebook or I see on Instagram.
She's right over there. Oh yeah, I remember when you guys were dating. Wow, she looks great now. She really does. What are the odds she'd be here? She's everywhere. It's like any time I turn on my computer, there she is.
Here's the shoes. Wow, they are toasting a lot. Are those her friends? I guess. They look way cooler and more multicultural than I remember.
Oh, this sucks because I really am over her. But the social media version of her in a Valencia filter, that's not fair.
Hey, who's that guy she's with? I'm trying to figure that out. And so, are they dating or just friends? I can't tell in the group.
Well, now it's just the two of them. What? Wait, no, where did everybody else go? I think now it's just his friends. Oh, this sucks.
Just stop looking at it. I'd love to, but it's the social media version of her. It says she's just right there. If it helps, she's probably doing the same thing you are. I doubt it. I've been telling her I like her stuff for a long time and she hasn't noticed. Grant, I know it's hard to see somebody that you love with somebody else. I mean, it's honestly one of the toughest things about social media, but you just have to work. What are you doing? What if she looks over here? Man, I think you just need to block her.
Oh, you're right. This is better, thank you. Here you go. And this.
I ordered the social media version of brunch. Oh, 20 likes already, that was quick. Is one of them Julia? Julia, did you like this? Look at me, oh god. |
cracked | rainn_wilson_is_sick_of_office_fans_jell_o_pranks | Much like his character on The Office, Rainn Wilson is getting sick and tired of these jello pranks. It all started for Wilson on the very first episode of the American Office when his character Dwight Schrute was pranked by desk neighbor Jim Halpert with a stapler swallowed by gelatin. But the prank has followed him everywhere he goes, even to Florence, Italy, where a very funny hotel worker put his room service silverware in jello. Rainn recently told People magazine, I posted that thing on Instagram about my silverware and jello in Italy.
My fear is that I won't be able to go anywhere without stuff being put in jello. I'll go valet park and then my car keys will be in jello. I'll go to a baseball game and the baseball will be in jello. And the list goes on and on, so I hope people cool it with the jello jokes.
That's all. Take notes, everybody. Even if he's over it, his old office mates thought the stunt was pretty funny. Kate Flannery replied to the Instagram post with a sea of hearts while Ed Helms wrote, Haha, that is so wonderful and funny. I hope you left a giant tip in jello. A weary Wilson isn't finding the jokes so wonderful, telling people, I think it's time to move on. |
dropout | monopoly_man_goes_bankrupt | No, no, no, this can't be happening! Who are you? What are you doing here?
Repo Man, you can't pay the bills on this stuff so it all goes back! No, don't take the boot! Take the iron! Nobody ever uses that one! Goodbye, loser!
Where are you going? I'm not bankrupt yet! I can still sell this hotel for half its value! And then what? Moving to one of those little green houses on Pacific? Screw that! What a nice life in the poor house, Mr. Peanut!
Oh, I've lost everything! Where will I go from here? What a sh**hole! How could this have happened? How did I lose it all so fast? I don't deserve this! I've worked hard my entire life to build up my fortune in real estate, railroads, and human trafficking! Oh no, it's all gone! Shackpot! I just need to collect two hundred dollars and I'll be back on my feet! Second place in a beauty ca- oh, son of a bitch. Oh boy, I don't think that sandwich is sitting too well. I'm about to liquidate my assets! What the hell's going on back here?
Oh, evening officer, I'm just enjoying the nice weather! Yeah, it's beautiful, I'm going to need to see some ID, sir.
Oh, of course, one moment! Here you go! I think this should just about cover it. Alright, let's have a look-see here. Everything seems in order. Okay, wait a minute.
You're Mr. Monopoly, aren't you? I didn't even recognize you. The wife and I were huge fans of your game and we- did you write this in poo? Yeah, you're going to jail. Oh! |
cracked | how_vanilla_ice_and_ice_ice_baby_invented_modern_hip_hop_junk_history | Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Junk History, the show where I dig through the past for all the CDs, collector cups, action figures, Happy Meal toys, and all the rest of the stupid bullsh** you were too embarrassed to continue to keep in your house and explain why it's culturally significant and why you were a fool to sell it to me. Just an abominable fool. You don't sell your treasures, it's madness.
Remember? Because of that book he was in with Madonna. Let's continue cataloging this relic. Check out the totally radical streak in his hair it invites us. Which I would love to do, but there are way too many other things about this doll that are demanding my immediate attention.
Look at his face! He looks like he knows how boring he is. He's dressed like Gambit on a prostitution sting. He looks like the new kid on the block's rollerblade dealer.
The doll comes in three different variants. All of which are wearing costumes that you would absolutely find in a Make My Own Music video booth at Busch Gardens. For instance, here's the golden jag street-smart gear, fit for the playground or the arena, because nothing announces your status to classmates and gladiators alike like a shimmering jacket of chimera skin and the gilded buckle shoes of Rumpelstiltskin. He also comes in general's odd. And look! You can contort his plastic limbs to create authentic wrap poses like marching scoop neck and cowboy lunge.
For those of you too young to remember, vanilla ice was the answer to the question, what if a stack of Nintendo powers turned back into a human at the end of Beauty and the Beast? He came out of seemingly nowhere and descended upon a generation of neon and denim-clad grade school kids like this Melvin here with his explosive hit song, Ice Ice Baby.
Back in the early 90s, 1990 and 1991 specifically, hip-hop was still fairly new and the war between pearl-clutching baby boomers and Prince, heavy metal and gangsta rap had recently resulted in the creation of the parental advisory sticker that you probably recognize from most of your favorite albums. Enforcement of the sticker varied but some stores wouldn't sell any record of the parental advisory sticker to a minor and a few major retailers like Walmart wouldn't sell any parental advisory albums period. That's like the world's biggest swear jar. Arguably the most famous rapper in the world at the time was MC Hammer, a flashy kid-friendly dancing genie who could sell records to anyone in any age group because he didn't make conservative parents nervous. And kids loved rap, at least the colorful cuddly kind offered by Hammer, the Fresh Prince and the Fat Boys, and to a lesser extent KidnPlay. So if you wanted your rapper to make a billion dollars, you made sure their rhymes were clean enough to avoid the money-wilting death touch of a parental advisory sticker and you sold them to children.
Hence this little guy. MC Hammer had a doll too, but he was way more expensive. The gavel of history echoes to the secondary market of rapping dolls.
Anyway, Vanilla Ice's debut single, Ice Ice Baby, hit national airwaves in the second half of 1990 and quickly became the first rap single to ever hit number one on the Billboard charts. Keep in mind, this is after MC Hammer, Run DMC, Public Enemy, The Beastie Boys, NWA, Ice T, and the aforementioned Fat Boys and KidnPlay had already released the biggest songs of their careers. The man responsible for providing the likeness of the most vacuous doll in history was the first to produce a chart-topping hip-hop song on mainstream radio. Vanilla Ice's debut album, To the Extreme, was one of the first records released in the 90s, and Ice Ice Baby pushed so many goddamn copies of that record that by the time Billboard's year-end tally rolled around at the close of 1999, it remained the 20th best-selling album of the entire decade, coming in just behind a whole lot of Backstreet Boys and Celine Dion. There's also way more hoodie on that list than I anticipated. In case Barbie's amateur DJ cousin here didn't give it away, the point is that Vanilla Ice was a legitimate phenomenon, and even though he was a douchey 19-year-old Robin Thicke prototype almost diametrically opposed to MC Hammer's carefully maintained family-friendly role model image, Vanilla Ice was immediately marketed in exactly the same way.
Directly at children. Dolls, teen magazines, a rap song, and a Ninja Turtles movie. The only thing Hammer had that Ice didn't was a cartoon show, but Ice balanced that ledger by helping the Turtles defeat Shredder.
Meanwhile, Vanilla Ice's To the Extreme, on the strength of the melodious dollar tempest that was Ice Ice Baby, became the best-selling rap album in history at the time. It was the number one record in the country for 16 weeks and sold 15 million copies worldwide. That translates to a whole lot of 90s bucks, and Vanilla Ice was rolling around in a McDuckian vault of it. And if you know anything about music history, you know that keeping a giant pile of 90s rap money is a surefire way to get attacked by Shug Night.
It's like forgetting to hang your food from a tree outside your tent. At that point, it's your fault, not Sugar Bear's.
Shug Night is a former CEO and founder of Death Row Records, but at the time of the Vanilla Ice culture revolution, he was still trying to collect a stable of partners and artists to start a label. And one of those artists was Mario Chocolate Johnson, who used to collaborate with Vanilla Ice and allegedly wrote some or all of the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby, depending on who you ask. However, Mario Johnson's name was not included anywhere on the songwriting credits, and wasn't getting a single dime from the enormous sales Ice Ice Baby was generating.
Shug was none too happy about his client getting stiffed out of all that money. Which is another way of saying that Shug was not happy about getting stiffed out of all that money.
Now, here's where history gets a little vague. According to some accounts, Shug began staging regular bullying sit-ins, where he and a few of his bodyguards would show up unannounced while Vanilla Ice was out having dinner or whatever, pluck his entourage out of their seats, and then sit down in the newly vacated chairs and just glare at him. After some time had passed, they might ask him, how you doing? But it was disingenuous! Again, this allegedly happened, but it allegedly happened more than once.
Now, bodyguards aside, Shug Knight was a defensive end in high school and college and briefly played for the LA Rams. He didn't need two or three extra guys to intimidate a 19-year-old dancing Patrick Nagel painting, but Shug is a businessman and he understands the importance of maintaining a professional veneer.
The intimidation game finally came to a head when Shug showed up at Vanilla Ice's room in the Bell Age Hotel in Beverly Hills, which is now closed, perhaps to be added to the National Register of Historic Places, and convinced the young superstar to sign over a chunk of the publishing rights. Now, all three parties, Shug, Vanilla, and Mario Chocolate Johnson, agreed that this definitely happened, where they disagree is on the subject of how it happened. The popular version of the story is that Shug walked Vanilla out on the balcony and literally dangled him by his ankles 15 stories above the concrete until he agreed to sign over his Ice Ice bucks. However, both Vanilla Ice and Chocolate Johnson insist that nobody ever swung anybody out over the balcony railing. Oh, their names are Vanilla and Chocolate- According to Vanilla Ice, Shug showed up with a bunch of heavies, professional veneer, walked him out on the balcony, and merely implied that he would cast Vanilla out to the whims of Mistress Gravity if he refused to give up some of the publishing rights. Mario Johnson denies that Shug brought muscle with him to the hotel room, but is conspicuously evasive about whether or not Shug vowed to throw one of the most famous rappers in the world straight out the f***ing window.
However it happened, Shug left that hotel room with a s***load of Ice Ice Baby profits, and he used that money to start Death Row Records, which was responsible for some of the biggest, most influential hip-hop records ever released, like Dr. Dre's Chronic, Snoop Dogg's Doggy Style, and Tupac's All Eyes on Me. Both Dre and Snoop Dogg's solo careers were launched by Death Row. Tupac was already established, but his double album All Eyes on Me, the only record he released on Death Row while he was alive, remains his biggest.
And it can all be traced back to Ice Ice Baby, and by extension this shiny plastic man. That's the other thing. Had Vanilla Ice never recorded Ice Ice Baby, Tupac probably wouldn't have been killed, at least not in Las Vegas in 1996. Hear me out.
In 1995, Tupac was in jail for sexual assault. His case was on appeal, but his bail was set at an astronomical $1.4 million. Who should swoop in to aid Tupac with his legal troubles? But Shug Knight, who gallantly posted Tupac's bail with the stipulation that he released three albums with Death Row Records. The result was All Eyes on Me, which being a double album, satisfied two of the three commitments. That same year, Shug went on stage at the Source Awards and called out rival producer Sean P. Diddy Combs for his undeniably hilarious habit of shoehorning himself into all of his artist videos. He punctuated the insult by insisting that any rapper who didn't want to put up with that nonsense should jump ship to Death Row, which was the official start of the East Coast West Coast rivalry that would ultimately end in the murders of both Tupac and Biggie Smalls. The night Tupac was shot in September of 1996, he was in Las Vegas with Shug Knight.
Had Vanilla Ice never recorded Ice Ice Baby, made all the money in the world marketing Ice Ice Baby to children with things like this glimmering homonculus, and then handed over a bunch of that money to Shug Knight, Shug Knight never would have been in a position to do any of those things. He never would have been able to start Death Row. He never would have been on stage at the Source Awards to tease Puff Daddy and try to recruit his artists. He never would have had the million and a half dollars to bail Tupac out of jail. And Tupac would have had no reason to go to Las Vegas with him in September of 1996.
Look what you did, Ice! Too cold.
Hey, thanks for watching that video. If you want to subscribe, hit that big C in the middle. And if you want to watch more videos, hit one of the boxes to the right. Also, don't forget to hit the notification bell icon below so YouTube will notify you when we have a new video up.
And please go to the comments and let me know what else you'd like me to talk about. You got some kind of cool bullsh** in your closet? Let me know. I'll talk about that. |
cracked | worst_celebrity_obituary_ever_written | That's a shame. Jesus Christ. Name the movie quote. What? Wrong. Babe. The rooster for babe during that one part. I also would have accepted Animal Farm. Hook. I think.
KFC commercials. Just a regular farm. Was Mighty Joe young a rooster?
What the hell are you doing here? It's seven in the morning. I've been here a couple hours. I do work here. Don't I?
Yeah, but I've never seen you in the office before noon. And where were you yesterday? Yeah, I'm running a little late. Late? It's not even eight. Wait, are you saying that you're 22 hours late for work yesterday? What day is it?
Nah, wait, that won't help. Is it the day with loss or the day with house? Did you finish your article? It goes up in about five minutes.
My brain is telling me that I did, but you probably want to check it. Okay. I'm seeing something for you here. Is it great? My brain's telling me it is.
Oh, s**t. Right? Yeah, boy, it's like 5,000 words making rough but tender love to your eye sockets. First to the left one, and then the other one. Michael, Nicholas Cage died last night. I've read about it on The New York Times. No, uh-huh.
The police still haven't found the... Michael, where were you last night? Oh, no, it wasn't me. I was trolling for women at the Planned Parenthood.
Thank God for that, I guess. But do you know what this means? This is the timeliest thing ever. You're right. Because I was writing about how I hope Nick Cage dies. We can't run this article. The Chief will kill us. So what? We're going to do a full rewrite in...
Three minutes. It's three minutes.
Okay, I've got to log in as you. What's your password?
Right, swordfish. It's not swordfish. It's never swordfish. You always say swordfish.
Well, then that's probably it, isn't it? So you don't know it then? I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. Your password. You don't know what it is. I don't know what you're getting at. How is that possible?
I'm just going to log in as an admin. See, now, through your password, we can just name all the gayest horses. Like Gay Biscuit, Secret Gay Riot, Seagate... No, those are horses.
Okay, I'm in. Now, let's see how much of this we can actually use. It's easy.
You just change Nick Cage's name throughout the whole article. We'll call him Nicholas Turd Actor.
And then on the photoshops, you just add a mustache. That doesn't make any sense. He's already got a mustache and like half of these. Double stash it.
Alright, okay, wait. So we change it to another actor. Someone who everybody hates and is probably going to die soon. Okay, Clint Eastwood. Oh, no. Andy Dick? Uh, there's no time. It's got to stay as Nick Cage. Wait, how about instead of saying that we want him to die, we just say we hope he burns in hell.
I'm getting rid of like half of this. Oh, that's like 80% of it.
Okay, instead of running from the tragedy, we embrace it. We'll make it a tribute. Yeah, that's good. But we can still keep the line about me sodomizing his corpse, right? Like as a tribute.
No, shut up. I'm trying to concentrate.
Okay, and we hope his children will keep warm his memory through the robust body of work that he leaves. Dan, damn you. And we hope his spirit will live on forever on celluloids and in the minds and hearts of abandoned colleagues everywhere.
Black heart! And I'm so excited about this part right here. Cool heart!
Is this a picture of you wearing a suit made out of Nick Cage's skin? I have photoshops. I just wore someone else's skin suit and then put his face on it.
Bingo, bango. Still, in fact, more so. Horrible, right. But we're keeping it in. You're several steps behind me here. Are you saying you've killed and skinned a guy?
No time. Only one minute left.
Right. Think, Michael. Think. I know.
I had this really bad taco at the pier the other day. Why don't we write the whole thing?
My star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame will be awash in the tears shed by fans and colleagues alike. And on this tragic day, none will shed more than I. I feel sick by Michael's way.
All right, three seconds left. Okay, uploaded. We did it! Now, about this suit skin, is it somewhat... I'll just talk to you. Hey, Chief. Uh-huh.
Yeah, I came in early to do it. Well, I wouldn't say it's my best work, but thank you. Yeah, I'd love a raise.
Yeah, I'm kind of a Nick Cage expert who's a real cliffhanger. I think he was. Nah, I'm pretty sure you're wrong.
Well, whatever. Yeah, just send her over to my apartment. Latex is fine. Bye-bye. Chief says I can knock off for the rest of the day.
Hey, was Nick Cage in cliffhanger? No. Huh. Well, look who's talking now. I don't see...
Can I borrow your car, buddy? I drove mine into a lake for reasons that are no longer clear to me. If I say no, is that good to have, buddy?
Thanks. I'll bring her back in one piece. Or at least her skin.
Huh? Ahh! Holy fuuuuuuuuck! |
cracked | 6_popular_survival_tips_that_will_get_you_killed | Hello the internet, and welcome to another episode of The Spit Take. My name's Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and I think we can agree that survival trainings for crazy people who call their houses compounds and know the expiration date of every different gasoline blend. If you're like me, most of what you know about surviving deadly situations is based on movie tropes and old wives' tales. Which wouldn't be such a big deal if filmmakers and elderly married women didn't want us dead so badly. Not sure what we did to anger such highly specific and almost completely distinct groups of people, but for whatever reason, they've been giving us advice that seems to have been designed specifically to kill us in the most spectacular and embarrassing ways possible.
Advice like, if a shark attacks you, just punch it in the nose. So you ever notice how the tip of a shark's nose is small and kinda moves around a lot while they're trying to eat ya? Especially compared to its much closer giant razor-toothed mouth and the also closer part of its face below the nose, which effectively functions as a ramp into said mouth.
Follow-up question, how confident are you in your ability to throw punches while treading water? If you answered, very Jack, I'm very confident in the accuracy of my swim punches. My condolences. Being a stupid person probably isn't going to be any easier without arms.
If you insist on being confrontational, gouge out its eye. Know how their eyes roll over white when they attack? That's basically their shark equivalent of screaming, not the eyes.
Personally, I'd suggest the equally advisable and far less difficult, Playing Dead. Playing Dead, it's the evolutionary Konami code cowards like me have used to cheat our way through millennia of being a rung on the food chain and thousands of wars. Playing Dead, for when the going gets tough and the only part of you that gets moving is your bowels. Playing Dead works with almost any predator except for bees, wolves, and certain sexual ones who it only makes more interested in ya.
Lost in the woods? Check for moss. I remember being told my whole life that moss only grows on the north side of a stone. Logic is supposed to be that in the northern hemisphere, the sun's generally down south, with the comfortable people who live closer to the equator. Since moss can't grow in the direct sunlight, all you have to do is find the nearest rock or tree and check which side the moss grows on. Easy peasy hairy f**k to weasely. This rule of bullsh** covered thumb benefits from the fact that no one thinks to check whether it's actually true until you're lost in the woods, at which point you learn that. Uh oh. What the f**k is that? There's moss on the other side of the stone. Oh, perfect, there's moss on all of the sides. Turns out the forest tends to be a pretty shadowy place everywhere, which you'd be sure to tell people if you weren't about to die alone and hopelessly lost in the woods.
If you have some time to kill, you can put a stick in the ground and mark the end of the stick shadow at 15 minute intervals. The first marker will be west, the last will be east, you're not going to remember any of this. If you've got a watch, you don't even need to do all that sh**. Just hold your watch flat and line up the hour hand with the sun. The point halfway between the hour hand and the 12 will be true north. If you don't wear a watch because you have an iPhone, your iPhone has a compass on it.
You should have just done that. But Jack, you say. Entirely too familiarly, if I'm being honest.
I'll go outside, I'll never have to find civilization because I don't intend to leave it even for a moment. Unfortunately, sometimes you find that nature is coming from inside the house. If you live in any of the states known as tornado alley, which you might have read about in our article, the five worst alleys. You know that when a tornado hits, all you have to do is open all your windows to let the pressure out or something sciency sounding that keeps your house from blowing away. Unluckily, opening the windows or doors does the opposite of that. And if you're not at your house, do not listen to Kevin Costner's advice. Just generally. But especially his tornado advice from Man of Steel. Tornadoes collapse, highway overpasses, Kevin. If your classmates not Superman, those suck to be caught under. If you can drive to shelter in time, do that, obvi. But if you can't, you're actually better off just pulling over, buckling your seatbelt and protecting your head.
So the idea that doorways are supposed to be earthquake proof got its start in 19th century California when homes were generally built of adobe, the building material equivalent of wet toilet paper. And the only thing that didn't crumble was the wooden door frame. So it only applies if you think you live in a 150 year old house made of adobe, which if you live in earthquake country, you're probably wrong about since those all fell down 100 years ago.
Instead, get under a sturdy table and again, cover your head. How to tell if the table's sturdy? Stand on it. If it just collapsed, it's probably not stable enough to withstand your entire house falling on top of it. Repeat this step until you find one that works. Strap that to your back and wear it around like a turtle shell. Now you're safe and everyone thinks you're crazy, which will come in handy when they're trying to decide whose house to loot after the big one hits.
And while you're down there on the ground like a jerk, this one's about the advice to lie down to avoid lightning. I couldn't find a movie clip because movie lightning is magic dust that makes robot sentient and cars go back in time, so nobody avoids it. But real lightning hurts. And even if it strikes next to you, it ripples out from wherever it strikes in circles. If you're flat on the ground, you're just increasing the surface area for the lightning ripples to electricity up your body.
The best move is to crouch down and lean forward on the balls of your feet. Like a distraught person taking a shower to rinse off a loved one's blood after accidentally murdering them. Or like a catcher. Let's go with that. That crouch puts you as low as you can go without being annoyingly good at yoga. And you've made yourself into a tiny target.
This one's particularly insane because there are catastrophes where the best thing you can do is lie flat on the ground. Namely, being on thin ice and or in an elevator that's plummeting to, I guess just or, those scenarios probably rarely overlap. You may have heard that you're supposed to jump at the moment before the elevator hits the ground, which is both gonna be really hard to time and will still cause your skeleton to crumble so fast and completely that gravity will scream Jenga. In both scenarios, you wanna lay flat for the exact reason you shouldn't do that during a lightning storm. Your body's making contact with more surface, so your weight pressing down on the ice or that elevator floor slamming up into you get spread out across more of your body. All right, lightning round, get it?
Cacti aren't filled with safe drinking water. They're filled with green liquid that will make you sick out of all your holes.
You've been shot. You've gotta get that bullet out of you, so take off your shirt. Thus begins the gratuitous sex scene in every John McClain, Sarah Connor, slash fiction I've ever written. And now I come to find out, that's not even true. Bullets have just been flash disinfected by the explosion that sent them shooting into your body in the first place. So there's also a chance that digging around in there with something that hasn't just been baked at a million degrees in a gun barrel will cause an infection or open an artery, so don't do that.
Stay with me. Don't go to sleep. Live, god damn it. Clear.
Are the sorts of things that aren't on enough Valentine's Day cards, in my opinion.
They're also pretty much stock dialogue for any movie character trying to keep someone they love from dying, using the old can't die if you're actively annoyed medical procedure. In reality, you can let people go to sleep. They're not gonna be more or less likely to die. You're just being selfish because you can't stand to be by yourself with the paramedics. Also, defibrillator pads won't restart someone's heart. In movies, they're used after pounding on the dead person's chest doesn't bring them back. But in reality, they're only used to shock someone still beating but erratic heart back into the right rhythm.
Like Mrs. Becker, my really strict dance instructor. Make sure to have someone suck the poison out of a snake bite if you want your friend to poison himself while getting the most bacteria filled wet part of his body all over your open wound. The best thing to do is just to keep your pulse low while making your way to the emergency room. Which is another reason you shouldn't have your friend or a stranger sucking on any part of you. Unless that's like the only thing that calms you down. When you get a bloody nose, don't tilt your head back. Instead, pinch and hang your head forward. Like the self-respecting dork or shame filled coke head that you probably are. If you see someone having a seizure, do not try to stick a wallet or a wooden spoon or fucking anything between their teeth.
I know you've seen it in countless movies and it supposedly stops them from swallowing their tongue. But swallowing your tongue is impossible.
And also, and probably most importantly, what are you a fucking asshole? And finally, if you're stranded in a blizzard, you should eat snow to stay hydrated. If you wanna keep your corpse well preserved for the people who find it. If you wanna stay alive, the snow actually robs your body of too much heat. Melt it in a container and let it warm up before you drink it. And if you're dying of thirst on the ocean, don't drink your own pee. I don't have any life saving advice, just don't do that. Die with some fucking dignity.
Hey everybody, thanks for watching that video on YouTube. And make sure to, it's like a little, like a little thump, you click, click like. And it should be, it'll say subscribe, leave a words, comment, leave a comment, and that's good. That's good though. |
dropout | go_to_sleep | Hi, I'm Dan from College Humor, and I'm here to tell you, yes, you, the person watching this video, to go to sleep. What? You heard me, internet viewer. Go to sleep. It's late, but instead of letting sweet slumber wrap you in its warm embrace, you're staring at a computer screen. And you probably do this every night. Why? Every time you're about to choose the internet over sleep, I want you to watch this internet video and then go to sleep. Let me save you some time, alright? If you go to bed right now, this second, here's what you're gonna miss.
Someone's gonna post a picture of a cat doing something stupid, meow. Someone's gonna change their Facebook status to drinking with my girls, but they'll be drunk so they don't have typos like, dripping my night in your nose. Someone from your high school that you don't want to talk to, probably Doug, is gonna Facebook chat you. Facebook channel crashed, you'll talk about how bad Facebook chat is, we should really be on Gmail.
Look at that, that's it. That's everything. Go to sleep.
What are you gonna do? You're gonna read the news? I'm gonna read the news. You'll get like five lines deep into some article about the economy.
Next thing you know, you're up to your taint in the IMDB filmography of Gerard Depardieu. Don't even watch the rest of this video, just go to sleep. You are spitting in God's face for giving you this precious short time on Earth.
You're still awake? Now, I know what you're saying, you're saying, Dan, I like to end my day with a good old fashioned wankadoo. Hey, you and me both.
Yeah, but you don't have to open 26 tabs of porn. To the point where your browser has that little arrow on the side being like, here's all the tabs of porn that I couldn't show you because you opened so many tabs of porn and rectangles only get so small. Just open one great porn video. It's achieved. I bet you're just sitting there using your cursor to make a little box on your desktop like a goddamn idiot. Look at you refreshing Twitter over and over.
You could be having dreams. Do you know what could happen in dreams? Literally anything. You could have a grandfather clock for a penis. Dreams are so fun.
Go to sleep. I am furious if you're still watching this and I get paid to make you watch internet videos. Get off the Wikipedia page for plumber butt and go to sleep. Trust me, you'll wake up feeling great.
Great.
Now. People of the world, we don't have to be slaves to the seductive powers of technology. We can rise above our addiction and leave happier, healthier lives. Now. Close your eyes and listen to these peaceful beach sounds.
If you saw that, you failed. Let's try again. You're looking up Plumber Butt, aren't you? Is this a joke to you? Do I look like I'm kidding... |
dropout | secret_girl_language_with_ashley_benson | I've been looking forward to this all week. It's Monday.
Oh yeah, I know.
I start my weeks on Thursday so that way Monday goes like Friday.
It makes sense.
Um, don't look now, but those guys behind us, the ones without the goatees, they're totally coming over here.
Oh my god, they are so cute.
Okay, so like if you want to talk about them in front of them, just use your secret language, okay?
Got it, got it.
Hey, I'm Logan.
These are my friends, Mitchell and Travis. Hi, I'm Addison, and these are my friends, Vanessa and Ashley.
Hi.
Can I buy your girls a drink?
I love a martini.
So, Travis, what do you do?
I'm a doctor of animals.
Uh, seriously?
Can you hold on just one second?
Ugh!
I'm sorry, USA.
Oh, and um, I have a cat.
Hey, hey, what's going on over here?
Has somebody hurt?
Oh! We're fine!
You're sweet. Not as sweet as you.
Ugh!
So, uh, Vanessa, have you seen any good movies lately?
Uh, no, but I do really want to see The King's Speech.
Oh, yeah, I do too.
We should rent it sometime.
You know, Ashley, you really have beautiful eyes. Aw, thank you.
Ugh!
Yeah, and I feel like I could get lost in that.
Aw, you mean that?
Ugh!
Sure, and, um, you know what?
I think I'm going to head out.
Ugh!
Were you just talking about me?
What? No. Why?
Because you clearly said my name.
Ugh!
It was nice meeting you girls.
Yeah, have a good one.
Ugh!
Did I get what it gets to do with the gear? Did I get it?
Ugh! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_237_Hobba_Hing | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, it's a wonderful time of the year, I hope you're enjoying yourselves, you're with family and friends and colleagues and HR you know.
It's the silly season, it kicks off with the spring carnival, some people would say that, some people who are anti-horse racing would say it kicks off, I don't think people who are against horse racing, Diwali, Diwali the Indian holiday is when the silly season kicks off, if you're not into horse racing that's when it kicks off for you, and then eventually it finishes, Anzac Day, which is a great day to get pissed, remember the sacrifices made by all of our armed servicemen and women, and for whatever reason drink and then tell veterans good on them when you see them in the pub like, you know it's a wild, wild country we live in, happy Anzac Day sir, yeah happy Anzac Day mate, oh thanks, thanks mate, it's not very happy at all, it's a day of solemn mourning and commemoration is the word, not celebration, but you know today's guests have done a pretty good job at kind of a skewering and interrogating Australia's inconsistencies I would say, Hing last time, sorry we've got Hobber and Hing here from Triple J, hello, now TV stars are two of them, thank you, some would say the thinking man's labby and stab, moving into TV too, back to what I was saying about this travelling around the country and looking at the place, last time we had you in here Hing, yes, you were doing, where are you really from, it's travelling around the country talking to migrants, making them cry, telling them the saddest stories from their lives, it has a different vibe if I make migrants cry, yeah yeah yeah for sure, yeah you're hitting the wrong buttons, yeah they're like you've been doing that for thousands of years mate, this show's got a different tone, yeah, yeah well you see your last one was very interesting though because I found you do have the knack of being able to walk into places like Ingham and find the Italian guys who were willing to tell you all kinds of crazy shit, Limoncello with 4X and all these great ideas, great culture, that's an Italian cocktail, yeah and of course you know the Serbians down there in Wollongong and you saw a lot of the place and I actually really enjoyed that format and you know, maybe give him another run guys, like what's the Panama, New Australia, in Paraguay, yeah, so this is, do you know where this is Lewis? No, there's a colony that Australia started in South America of Australians so you know how Australia began as like a colony, is this like the way we started one in Bali? Yes, it's called New Australia and like there's like I guess what you'd call like cultural Australians who moved there in like the 1850s, no it wasn't too long ago because it was that lady on the note, Mary Gilmore, the poet, Scott Morrison's great-great-great auntie, yeah yeah she was part of it and it was like it was a leftist like the Labour Party split and a bunch of people wanted to go purer, yeah but she got jack of it and left and then she died in Kunkari, yeah so it was like the teals of its time, yes, well there's a little bit of white supremacy in there as well, so it's very much like hey working advance rights but also white rights, but now, but then they also had another, they split up, and then 50 people left, like the communes just start to, the thing about separatists is they love to separate, you know, but so now, so half the wall just fell down, the whole wall just fell down, so we're in the new Batutto studios and the sound cladding is falling from the walls as we speak, I didn't do that did I, no no no that's just the sticking, that's the power of the voice, we're in so much trouble, anyone else would find this off-putting, there's no more wall to fall down now, we're from the ABC so we're fairly used to this sort of shenanigans, this kind of claptrap, new office, new office listeners in case you're really trying to figure out what's going on here, the soundproofing's falling apart, but who was in here before, we'll just blame them, Michael Theo, Michael Theo was in here, Mr A plus is your fault, so thank you, but just on the, on the separatists, yeah, yeah, they, now like what, decades later, 100 years later or whatever, people celebrate Australian culture, but the Australian culture that was from a century ago, so they do have festivals where they like eat damper and like do bush poetry and stuff, but obviously Australia as the country's moved on since then, you know, so that culture is, and so they're still there, there's a lot of like brines and shit, like they've obviously integrated back into like South American culture, but they've got these names and they all know their history and they have a festival and that kind of stuff, I thought that'd be a good one for where you're really from. Seven to South America, you know, well, I mean, that is as shocking as I think the ABC giving us domestic air travel, we were thrilled. That's what I want to, I want to talk to you, how did this new show Australia's best competition, competition come to be?
Well, it started off, we were just sort of post-pandemic and we were, we had like a meeting, we were just in a room like this and we're like, what do we want to do next year? And it was mostly just, we wanted to leave our little glass box, you know, we'd been stuck in there for two years. And so we're like, well, let's just come up with an idea that gets us around the country, back to places where, you know, triple J listeners are, the regions.
Yeah. And so we're like, oh, let's enter a bunch of weird competitions. And there's so many, I mean, you guys would know. Yeah. Camel races, cockroach races, all that. Yeah.
So what, so where'd you start? Well, the plan was just, we wanted to win something, anything because Lewis and I had gotten very used to losing a lot of things. And also Lewis is the most competitive person maybe that I've ever met.
Like it's a disease. It's a brain issue. I agree. Yeah.
There's a lot of things I steer clear of. So you, you couldn't like ruin Christmas with risk? Oh, my, my family has board games that are banned from Christmas.
Yeah, right. They're not allowed through the door. If someone comes in with a box of Pictionary, I immediately show them the door. Do you, do you, are you competitive to the point where you will cheat? Yes. That's the lowest form I can. You would love golf. I feel really bad. And this, it's like the dual part of my brain. You're like, this isn't a hollow victory. Yeah, of course.
And as you're doing it, you're going, don't do this. Don't, it doesn't, this doesn't matter. There's no material gain to do this and you won't feel good.
And then you're still like, oh, an extra 10 points for Lewis. But as someone who spends a lot of time with Lewis, you know, some might say too much time, seeing that cycle of the higher victory and then the crushing lows of defeat and then the highs of victory and then the crushing lows of the the sodden cheated victory. Yeah, the hollowness of victory is what keeps me going. I'm always chasing the high.
And so we were doing that. And then we realized as we were sort of thinking about these competitions and how bad we were at things and thinking maybe actually if we travel around the country, we're not actually going to win anything because we could actually spend a whole year traveling around to towns and doing all with competitions and we might actually not get a single victory. And that would be extremely embarrassing.
So we, to protect our egos, we should bring camera crew. Yeah, well, not just that, not just bring camera crew.
But if we run our own competition to find Australia's best competition, suddenly it doesn't matter if we win or lose because we're the ones handing out the medals. Yeah, yeah, right, right. You are putting parameters around the competitions that you are competing in. Exactly. We sort of became FIFA, rather than like, you know what I mean? For sure, for sure. And I'm sure, and I, and from what I've just learned about you, I imagine you're just as corrupt as Chuck Blazer.
Obviously, this year was Australia's best competition competition. Next year, it's going to be Qatar's best competition competition. They're putting about, I think, $130 billion worth of infrastructure around their competitions for a tune of times. It's going to be great.
You need to start doing delegations. And you know what I reckon? There could be like a, you know, FIFA has the Caribbean, which is where all the votes come from. But I reckon a good bit of, like, the Pacific Islands would be awesome. You could work with, you know, the Polynesian vote, the Melanesian vote.
You can stack this thing. Let's... Yeah, better at rugby, though, in the Pacific. They're not really known for their round ball action. Yeah. No, but we're talking, we're creating a FIFA here, which these guys have done.
For wacky competitions.
So there's things like, for example, like the ones we thought about going to, but the ABC had issues with, was... Sorry, there's more soundproofing for you. Sandboxing, sandboxing.
Yeah, do you know, we genuinely talked to that box for Fred. Fred Brophy. We talked to Fred Brophy, because that was on the list.
Yeah. I would love it. You guys got it, don't worry. Well, maybe next time. But there's a lot of things that the ABC's insurance, or lack thereof, won't cover. Yeah. But also, I don't know if you do know Fred personally, and I don't know if this will make the podcast, but we did have a brief conversation with him on the phone, and we were like, The ABC audience can never meet this man. Yeah. I know, he's done a fightler, but yeah, I don't know if the Triple J... I don't know if the kids will understand the fact that you can literally walk into a town where a man is banging the drum, who says, step right up. And you can.
And fight a Afghanistan veteran in front of the entire town.
Yeah, no, he goes, Nah, nah, look, Lewis, you've got a bit of height on this bloke. You've got a bit of reach. But yeah, you know, he was in the SAS. So he's got that over you.
He served with Ben Robert Smith. Compelling television.
You never know, you might win. That's the thing with Fred Roper, you never know, you might beat one of his fighters, then get off at a spot in the truck. Usually when something happens, you offer them a job, and quite often they'll say, fuck it, like, and leave the pub with them forever.
Jesus Christ. Anyway, I want to talk about the Turkish wrestling. Where was that?
So that was in kabulcha, at a Renaissance fair. It's called the medieval, the abbey medieval festival. Well, Southern Hemisphere is big, you get how disgusted you are. He just said the word kabulcha, that's all. No, it's the word Renaissance. Iron Fest was like an iron festival.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's literally like, everyone in like full princes, queens, but also like a couple of orcs. A few people going a bit off-piste, historically. A little bit medieval, middle earthy. I've come as a Frenchman. But also like the knights and the, I guess, like the crusaders or whatever they're getting dressed up as, they need someone to fight against. And so they've invited the Turkish community to come and do their own medieval festival in amongst, or medieval section, I should say. So there's like the Saracens. So it's the crusades.
Yeah, well, it's everything, right? And they like, apparently they light a big catapult at night and fire flaming things. So the Turks, I'm guessing, travel for this. I'm not sure if I've heard about the kabulcha Turkish community. They come from Brisbane mostly. Yeah, right, yeah, right. And so they're driving up from Brisbane or whatever. Like you go there and they've obviously been doing it for years, because the whole thing's just in a kind of big campsite-y kind of thing.
But the Turkish community built, the Janissaries, sorry, not Saracens, Janissaries, they've built like water baths and stuff with all the beautiful mosaics and stuff. And we turned up and we were like, this is the nicest bit of the whole festival. This is crazy. There was even a Turkish wedding while we were there. So an old Turkish wrestler married like a young Turkish maiden. And they had the whole scene like it was from sort of 500 years ago.
But the way they- So they wrestle in the bath. Yeah, no, that's to prepare yourself. You wrestle in the pit.
Yeah, there's like a, but apparently it's been going on in Ankara for like 600 years, right?
And the sport is you are wearing nothing but tight leather pants and they are so tight. You'll cover yourself in just regular olive oil that you'd buy from Woolies or IGA or whatever.
And you've got to pin your opponent to the ground. So there's two things. You're trying to pin them to the ground, but you're also trying to remain as slippery as possible to wriggle out of their grip.
Fuck. It's a wonderful sport. It sounds hot. Yeah, it does. I mean, there's people that come back for that reason, I'm sure. But it sounds like- Yeah, the crowd, extremely horny. Yeah.
Yeah, Milady, for sure. Couple of root beers and- Yeah, at one point after we'd wrestled- Couple of pints of mead. Genuinely, you can buy mead then.
We ate like, we ate meat on a stick. We ate meat on a stick that gave us the most hectic food poisoning.
I was like, this is so true to the time. Yeah, it's fun. It gave me the plane.
Yeah, everyone has a gout. I am diphtheria. I'm sorry, Aita.
After we finished wrestling, there was this guy came up and he's like, mate, love the pants. And I was like, oh, thanks.
They're a nightmare to get in and out of. And I never know what I'll use them for again. He's like, oh, well, you could wear them to some parties. And I was like, oh, mate, I don't- Okay, I've scratched the surface here. And then I was like, oh, I don't think they're kind of right for the parties I'm going to.
And he's like, I could give you some numbers. Oh, right, okay. So there's like a mad swing of gang bang. Maybe, potentially. Certainly that was the vibe. At least from this case study. That was absolutely the vibe, yeah.
But the weirdest thing about it was we met this Turkish guy from Brisbane called, and his name was Resul. R-E-S-U-L, Resul. And he was an absolute legend. Real character.
He'd hurt himself, but he couldn't stop wrestling. Like he just had the bug. He's like, the doctor tells me I shouldn't wrestle, but I can't give it up.
I love the oil too much. And the oil is, they're just like, when the oil gets in your eyes, that's when you feel it. Right, I'm kind of pilled on this. Yeah, we're all oil pilled now.
It's an expensive hobby though. I mean, like you couldn't, I mean, like it's really expensive olive oil. Cost of living, cost of living. And we did ask like, can you use a cheaper oil? It's like, nah mate, you've got to use the good stuff. You can use like grape seed oil.
So they strip it right off, right? And you get naked. And we said to the guy, oh, do you wear underwear during this? And he's like, yeah, if you want to lose.
So the reason that is, is because part of the wrestling involves, cause you're so slippery and you can't get purchased anymore when you're wrestling, you're meant to put your hands inside the other guy's pants. And then you can kind of grip from inside the pants. But also they didn't specify that to us when we were wrestling. They just go put your hand in the pants and you're meant to put your hand so your palm is facing the pant. I didn't tell me that. So I just put my hand in the guy's pants and sort of crest his butt.
And he was like, no, no, no. That's a foul. I'm like, all right, fair enough. Sorry, buddy. The rules have been explained. I thought you grabbed the coin purse.
But also they made us these pants, these like, you know, Turkish oil wrestling pants, which are very little. And they've got sort of rope around the top. So there's no give around the top. There's no elastic or anything. And they sent us behind this like little covering to get changed. And now on the other side of the covering- A chain link fence with some hessian over it.
Yeah. There's like 300 people on the other side watching TikTok. At this point, it's clear, doesn't really matter if you're naked here. Fully, yeah.
And so we just got this big tub of olive oil. We're pouring it all over our junk. And we're like, I guess we just get naked. So he and I are just standing next to each other, naked with oil all over our junk.
And then- Like literally rubbing olive oil on my dick and balls. Like I'm saying to the guy, hey, do I put it on the pants or on my butt? But he's like, everything. It's all gotta be oily. And then you gotta oil the inside of the pants to slide them on.
But then when we went to put them on, they'd made them just a couple of sizes too small. So they kind of got stuck at our thighs. And so we're trying, and basically if you could imagine it, they got stuck almost at just where the dick met the top of the pants. So they were just stuck there and it was humiliating.
And then Wrestle, our like old Turkish guy, comes around behind the thing and he sees us just junk over the leather. So is it over or are we talking about the forehead of your penis? The helmet is sort of caressing the rim of the pant. The hem, if you will, or the whatever, the band.
And he sees that and he's just like, what are you doing? He's like, he's furious at us. He's like having a private area. There's people out here, what are you doing? We're like, you told us to do this.
And that was when he goes, no, you're supposed to put this on. And he pulls out this like skirt. It's almost like sarong thing that you're supposed to pull up over, like a modesty skirt, put the pants on underneath.
But he had never mentioned that previously. It was just sitting like over in a different tent. No one had mentioned it. It was like an old tent.
We could have wanted to get changed, but they just left it. It was like the most, you couldn't know where they're being like, oh, we've got to respect the Turkish culture. We've got to get naked, that's important.
And then he's like, whoa, that's just disgusting. Yeah, he's like, where do you think we are, Ken's? Get out of here.
So one thing it sounds like, this is the one we've mentioned so far of the best competitions you've looked at and traveled around to see. It's competitive. Yeah, yeah. Like they're not fucking around. Do you reckon wrestling is more than the cultural kind of significance? It's like, they're out for, they're out for glory?
They're there for the oil, if I'm honest. They're there for the oil.
And genuinely, when I was like saying before, the audience is horny, I cannot stress this enough. People are there, like salivate. There are a lot of, I would say like everyday repressed people who go to the Turkish oil arresting to really let loose. And they're letting loose in a way where it's like, it's okay for them to scream like, yeah, you know. And I think for some of the wrestlers being covered in oil and having women yell complimentary things at you, it's quite a nice experience.
That is not the experience Lewis and I had. No, we weren't really adored. Yeah, I think like, I don't think they were in it to win it in Caboolture, but in Turkey, it's like a, I don't know, half a million dollar prize or something.
Oh right, it's a big shot. It's a real deal over there. There's no time limits on the bouts. So they can go for like three hours. Yeah, and it's like sponsored by big olive oil and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The various orchards. The good guys, the good oil. It sounds like a sport that you'd really thrive at if you were double jointed. Oh yeah.
Slippery in a way. Yeah, 100%, contortionist. Legs go over here.
What are some of the other ones that you saw? I mean, this is, you know, this is, as you said, 600 years. This goes back to the motherland. Tell us some of the competitions you discovered that you know someone just came up with in a pub.
Oh yeah. That's good.
The Archibalds. We did mention the Archibalds prize.
That feels like a drunken idea, doesn't it? Yeah. There were so many that were on our list. State of Origins, definitely that. Well like two regular rugby league, but without the rules. Yeah, and the states. Well this is another one that the ABC wouldn't let us do, but in Nimbin, they do a bong toss. Yeah, I've heard that. Mardi Gras. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So at the Mardi Gras festival, it's like a hammer throw, but for bongs. Yeah, right. There's a bunch of those, actually. There's a tuna toss in Port Lincoln in South Australia. Yep, yep.
They toss a 10 kilogram tuna as far as you can. There were a bunch of... 10 kilogram tuna.
So it's like a hammer throw. Yeah. You gotta get the movement, you gotta get the circular swing. Yeah, yeah.
We wanted to try to train a yabby for the yabby races at Birdsville. Yeah, Birdsville. Because the thing is, with Birdsville, they don't drug test the yabbies.
Yeah, right. So we had an idea to put yabby growth hormone or whatever in this yabby and just have a two-meter yabby or something. Good thing that we caught it. It was funny. There was only one group who said we couldn't do it, like that we actually asked and they're like, no. And that was the Country Women's Association, Bake Off, the CWA. Oh, for sure. Yeah, no, that's...
It's very serious stuff. Yeah, it's serious.
Don't fuck with them, man. They wouldn't...
Yeah. Yeah, they... They would... I can just imagine, they would have...
You think it was one phone call from your end, there were meetings. Well, no, because our plan was to... Obviously, it's mostly entered in by the Country Women and a lot of the Country Women who enter the Bake Offs are sort of grandmother age, maybe. So our plan was to sort of Eddie Murphy it and dress as old women and enter maybe in some sort of... We weren't sure exactly how it was going to work. Yeah, kind of like whole wigs and prosthetics and stuff.
Yay! I'm back to cake.
And we didn't even mention that to them. We didn't mention any of that.
We just said, hey, we're from Triple J, we'd like to get involved. And they were like, absolutely not. Yeah, no, they're so serious.
And... Yeah. This sport dies with us. Yeah.
No one under 70 allowed. Can you imagine some of the drama over the years of winners and politics? Well, we got as far as I read through the rule book and it is genuinely insane.
Like everything has a rule. Like there's only so much sugar you're allowed to put in. There's like a thickness on the amount of like icing you're allowed to put in. Obviously no packet mix, that goes without saying. There's like presentation things as like how big the slices have to be. It's judged how, you know.
We did like drag racing in Rockhampton and driving at 140 Ks down at Thingo. And that had less rules than the CWA.
Yeah. I want to now ask, did you win anyway? Obviously not the Archibald. No. We didn't even make the finals in the Archibald.
Somehow.
Yeah, well you didn't know anyone on the judging panel. No, we met the packer. We met the chief packer over the packer.
Oh yeah, he's, yeah. He's a legend. Yeah.
Who'd he pick this year? He was a ripper. It was Taika Waititi.
Yeah, yeah, the 3D one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was genuinely amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What was the question? I've forgotten.
Oh, did we win anything? Yes, we won something. We won something.
If you watch the show available on ABC iView. You can watch it.
But we, we also got a third place in one that was, I think we didn't expect. Like the thing that we won was, was genuinely one of those like, drunken ideas that we came up with in a pub.
Yeah. Not a real competition, no skill required. Yeah. If you just put in a little bit of effort, you'll probably win. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We came third in an all ages of Stedford. Now that is a- And Bernie. Yeah. Yeah, Bernie in Tasmania, there is a- That's not the steep hill.
And a Stedford is a singing and dancing competition. A music and dance competition. So, you know, mostly entered by children across the country.
You know, jazzercise, that kind of thing. You know, sparkle motion, fizzy, fizzy, that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I was thinking steeple, I was thinking steeple chest. Steeple chest. The one on the steep hill.
I mean, it's a very Welsh word, you know. It could be anything. But yeah, so in Bernie, and so across the country, they're mostly done by kids. But in Bernie, there is an open ages category. Right. So it's tacked onto the end of a weekend, sort of dance festival kind of thing. And so there's like, throughout the weekend, there's like 15, 20 competitions for kids. And then there's one night where it's like, anyone can enter this. And so it's all the kooks from Tasmania come and get involved. And they're like varying degrees of self-awareness. You know what I mean?
And then Lewis and I entered as seriously as we could. I was playing piano and Lewis was doing, I guess what you might describe as a modern ballet dance. Yeah, Hing's actually classically trained in piano.
Okay. So he was very good. Yeah, right, right. I'd say the- So it was like high versus low art? Yes, that's right, yeah. It was, I would say high and then attempted high art.
Because Lewis, for this particular one, got some training that I didn't know about it until we were like backstage. Because like obviously we try and capture like the reality of the situation on the ground as much as possible. We try not to fuck around with it too much. And I was genuinely annoyed at Lewis in the lead up. Cause I was like, you've done fuck all preparation. And he like had like flashbacks to being like heavily parented into a child.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You play piano, that says it all. Three hours a day practice, you know. As I say in the show, some stereotypes are true. So like, it was just a, it was a lot going on for me. And I had been staying back late at the ABC, sneaking into the Eugene Goosens hall, playing the piano there, you know. I was- Polishing up, yeah. Yeah, exactly.
I'd been genuinely working really hard. I'd bought a keyboard so I could practice at home, all that kind of stuff. And we flew down to Tasmanian and I was like, this fucking guy has done shit all. And it turned out that actually, Lewis had gone and met up with a person who's danced with the Australian ballet and Bangarra and stuff, and had got some lessons. So I would say it was attempted high art. Yeah, I gave it a crack.
Yeah. Yeah, there's one move though, which is a jete, which is like a big, so the big leap that they do, like arms out, legs like- Which I think you need like a lifetime. Yes. Like it's the freeze frame that finishes Billy Elliot. Yeah, yeah. It's like bang! It's how you get the scholarship to the school in London. Yeah.
And I had been really practicing my jete. I'm like, I'm going to crush this jete. I've got beautiful legs, get them out there.
And they want to see the gams. And when I did it, like a whole hall full of kids just laughed. Well, I guess, I mean, you know, in the scheme of things that puts you front of mind for judges too, you know. It's still entertainment at the end of the day. And what an honor to be delivered, or to be awarded third place with Jackie Lambie in the crowd.
Yeah, we assumed Jackie was there. We can only assume.
It sounds like it's Bernie's biggest day out. Yeah, it's pretty big. Yeah, it's a lot of fun.
Well, I'm surprised Jackie didn't actually perform. It's a three hour monologue. There's a lot of people in makeup and costume. She may well have it, you just wouldn't know.
Well, we're looking forward to it now. I'm starting to think, for one, I'm making a trip to Caboolture.
Yeah, medieval festival. I mean, I've always wanted to do an Iron Fest somewhere, but I think this hybrid Turkish culture, like battle. There's jousting there as well. Oh, yes. You can go jousting. Jousting, archery, all that kind of stuff.
It was actually amazing.
As we were walking in, our camera crew sort of put on like little tabard-y sort of costume things that they did. Oh, because they're always, everyone had to be in costume. Like everywhere we went, we obviously wear idiots. It's your poor camo.
Yeah, fully. Ugh, yeah, you put on the check mail. It's like, I filmed the Redfern speech. Now I'm doing this. I was there with Norman Gunster.
The dismissal. Yeah, but we were like, genuinely everywhere we went, we're like, we're going to be idiots, but we don't want the people that are teaching us, we don't want them to feel like we're laughing at them. Cause we're not. So we were like, all right, let's put on the costumes. And our camo did say to us before we went in, he's like, you watch, every one of these Renaissance fair people is going to make some reference to the fact that I have a camera and that it doesn't belong here. And we were like, that's crazy.
I don't think- No one's going to do that. Everyone's going to be chill or whatever. It never occurred to me.
What say you, that funny gadget on your shoulder? Literally, the first person we met, we walked right in the door and this guy went, lo, what is that black magic? Oh my god, these gings. I can't see it. Cause you know everything you've heard about is true, that's what everyone says, design first.
It was awesome. We had a great time, genuinely.
And I am not a Renaissance fair guy. Not my scene at all. Me on the other hand, run it home.
But you know, anytime you go around anyone who is genuinely into a thing, you usually have a nice time. You've got to get caught up in that. I mean, for one that you said there's like, obviously people with the oil and the wrestling, there's a pressure valve for them that they might not have access to day to day.
Do you think with these thespians and these Stedfords, like these, do you think these Renaissance, what do they call them? Larpers. There's Larpers and these Stedford types.
Do you reckon there's like the suppressed thespian coming out in all of these great performances they give? Yeah, because there's a lot of, I guess cause you know, broadly speaking, we work in media and whatever. So you meet a lot of like people who, this is their job.
Yeah, and they just clear on. And they don't need an outlet at all. But there's like obviously people who work, you know, jobs outside of the media, accountants or whatever, and they've got a dream and that's fine, you know?
And so an opportunity to, you know, get in some tight leather pants and you know, throw your weight around in a ring. It's fucking awesome. Well, it's like karaoke. Like karaoke exists cause everyone just for one minute, they're going to be Cyndi Lauper or. But it's also like, it's just like going to a costume party. It goes for like three days. And costume parties are fun. Yeah, and they are fun cause the cards down. Yeah. And you also, you get to, I guess the other thing with medieval festivals is like, you're kind of playing a character, I guess a bit. And so you've got a role to play.
And so you're living out, not even a fantasy, but just like, it's something different. It's like, I don't even fucking think about work at all.
I'm dressed as a- The crazy thing to me is the people who, like for me, I think, oh, if you're going to go, what's your fantasy? Oh, I'm a king. Yeah, yeah. The weirdest one is like, what's my fantasy? Oh, I'm a pauper. Like, what are you doing? Why?
This is the best, you want to be the shit guy? I shoveled the poo. The original medieval. I'm the bone farmer.
There's some fin-dom people out there who are just living out their fantasies, you know? Well, thanks for joining us, guys. It sounds like a hoot. We'll be tuning in and it sounds like we'll be retracing your steps for a lot of this. Yeah, get along. Well, that's kind of what we hoped is that people would, cause again, post-pandemic, we sort of hoped people would see it and go like, oh, that looks like fun, I should go to that. Yeah, no, it sounds like there's a lot of fun out there. Plus, I imagine we should hit you up. I reckon you guys probably have some ideas for some competitions that we have.
Yeah, I mean, there's camel races in Baduri. You know what, we looked at the camel races, I don't know if this is scandalous, but we heard that they were like, quite corrupt.
Yeah, it's all rigged. Apparently it's all rigged. It's Queensland racing though.
Quick, someone call these sales. The fix was in, how dare they?
I'd love to see a camel with an eight ball up its arse. No, at the races in Quilpy, they have- They blood the camels? They have, it's the last race there, but you can bring any horse that you want there. Station horses. Yeah, but like, it has to be like a station horse, but you know, for years and years and years, that thing has just been like, can we just get a race horse? And like, so you've got all these horses, It's like, that horse is a lot bigger than everything else. It's like, I'm going to be fucking putting my money on that, but for years and years and years, they just have that, and the bookies just now, just flat out won't go near it.
Well, anyway, if anyone listening has any great competitions in their town, or whatever, get in touch. We'll think about it, and listeners, get onto Hobber and Hing. Let us know.
There's definitely, every town's got one. Exactly, exactly.
What's your weird fucking thing you do every year that no one else understands? Have you ever done the wood chop?
You strike me as a man who might have thrown an ax around. I've met those guys, and once you meet them, you can't, you realize you can't. He's much more of a chainsaw man.
Yeah, right. Chainsaw the bull, road chainsaw the bull, PBR. The wood choppers, when you see them in action, and Tazzy? Tazzy's got a big bunch of them. Because we did the wood chop at Ecker. Really?
And it was a scene. Just like the level of fitness that we don't have, and the fact that that was the thing that really highlighted it the most out of everything we did. It's like, oh fuck. It's like, it's not strength. It's not, you know, tactics, strategy. It's everything.
This beer drinking man with steel wool hair across his chest is fitter than me.
And so graceful of that vertical version of the wood chop. They're like mountain goats. It's amazing. It's actually quite therapeutic to watch.
Anyway, you keep trying to wrap us up. No, no, no, no, no. I'm thinking there's more and more.
I'm sure, fucking out there in West Ride, they've got a Granny Smith toss. I don't know what's going on. The Granny Smith festival I found out the other day is enormous. Really? That's where the Granny Smith. That's where the apple's from.
It's all right. It's more like Chatswood or whatever. West Ride. Or West Ride or whatever, yeah.
Who can hit that Volkswagen? She's probably passed. Got him. There's a competition where you're on the overpass and you've got to just peg him in trucks.
Yeah, the youth cry of the Granny Smith challenge. Yeah, the Granny Smith. That's where she lived and she grew these green apples under her steps.
Yeah. That's crazy. I didn't know that. It's a famous apple. Yeah. And apparently it's a real wild festival. Huh. Anyway, there's plenty going on.
Thank you for joining us today, guys. Thank you for having us. And congratulations on the show. Let's go season two. Let's go season three where you're really from too. Let's do it. All right, thanks, gang. Thanks, mate.
You know, a job's outside of the media, accountants or whatever, and they've got a dream and that's fine, you know? And so an opportunity to, you know, get in some tight leather pants and, you know, throw your weight around in a ring. It's fucking awesome. Well, it's like karaoke. Like karaoke exists. Exactly. Because everyone, just for one minute, they're going to be Cyndi Lauper or... But it's also like, it's just like going to a costume party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It goes for like three days. And costume parties are fun. And they are fun because the guard's down. Yeah.
And you also, you get to, I guess the other thing with medieval festivals is like, you're kind of playing a character, I guess, a bit. And so you've got a role to play. And so you're living out, not even a fantasy, but just like, it's something different.
It's like, I don't even fucking think about work at all.
I'm dressed as a... The crazy thing to me is the people who, like for me, I think, oh, if you're going to go, what's your fantasy? Oh, I'm a king. Yeah, yeah. The weirdest one is like, what's my fantasy? Oh, I'm a pauper. I'm like, what are you doing? Why, this is the best, you want to be the shit guard? I shoveled the poo. You're rich in a bit of this. I'm the ghost farmer. Yeah, there's some fin-dom people out there who are just living out their fantasies, you know?
Well, thanks for joining us, guys. It sounds like a hoot. We'll be tuning in and it sounds like we'll be retracing your steps for a lot of this. Yeah, get along. Yeah, well, that's kind of what we hoped is that people would, because again, post-pandemic, we sort of hoped people would see it and go like, oh, that looks like fun. I should go to that. It sounds like there's a lot of fun out there. Plus, I imagine we should hit you up. I reckon you guys probably have some ideas for some competitions that we have.
Yeah, I mean, there's camel races in Baduri. You know what? We looked at the camel races.
I don't know if this is scandalous, but we heard that they were quite corrupt. Yeah, it's all rigged. Apparently, it's all rigged.
It's Queensland Racing Club. Quick, someone call these sales. The fix was in, how dare they?
I'd love to see a camel with an eight ball up its arse. No, at the races in Quilpy, they have- They blood the camels? They have, it's the last race there, but you can bring any horse that you want there. Station horses. Yeah, but it has to be like a station horse, but for years and years and years, that thing has just been like, can we just get a race horse? And like, so you've got all these horses- That's not IVD fun. It's like, that horse is a lot bigger than everything else.
It's like, I'm going to be fucking putting my money on that. But for years and years and years, they just have that. And the book is just now just flat out, won't go near it.
Well, anyway, if anyone listening has any great competitions in their fucked town, we'll never get in touch. We'll think about it, and listeners get onto Hobber and Hing. Let us know.
There's definitely, every town's got one. Exactly, exactly.
What's your weird fucking thing you do every year that no one else understands?
Have you ever done the wood chop? You strike me as a man who might have thrown an axe around. I've met those guys, and once you meet them, you can't- You realize you can't. He's much more of a chainsaw man.
Yeah, right.
Chainsaw the bull. Road chainsaw the bull, PBR.
No, the wood choppers, when you see them in action- Tazzy? Tazzy's got a big bunch of them. Yeah, yeah. Because we did the wood chopping at ECCA. Really?
And it was a scene. Just like the level of fitness that we don't have, and the fact that that was the thing that really highlighted it the most out of everything we did. It's like, oh fuck. It's like, it's not strength. It's not, you know, tactic, strategy. It's everything.
This beer drinking man with steel wool hair across his chest is bitter than me.
And so graceful of that vertical version of the wood chop. They're like mountain goats. It's amazing. It's actually quite therapeutic to watch.
Anyway, you keep trying to wrap us up. No, no, no, no. I'm thinking there's more and more.
I'm sure fucking out there in West Ride, they've got a Granny Smith toss. I don't know what's going on. The Granny Smith festival I found out the other day is enormous.
Yeah. That's where the Granny- That's where the Apple's from. Yeah. It's like Chatswood or whatever. West Ride. West Ride or whatever. Who can hit that Volkswagen? It's probably us. There's a competition where you're on the overpass and you've got to just peg in the trucks. Yeah.
The youth's crime at the Granny Smith challenge. Yeah, the Granny Smith.
That's where she lived. And she grew these green apples under her steps.
Yeah. That's crazy. I didn't know that. It's a famous apple. Yeah. Wow. And it's, apparently it's a real wild festival. Huh? Yeah.
Thank you for joining us today, guys. Thanks for having us. And congratulations on the show. Let's go season two. Let's go season three for where you're really from too. Let's do it. Thanks, gang. Thanks, mate. |
TheOnion | Guy_With_10_000_Tweets_15_Followers_About_Ready_To_Hang_It_Up | Shortly after posting for the 10,000th time on his Twitter account earlier today, despite only ever accumulating 15 followers, local man Aaron Gartner announced he's about ready to quit the popular microblogging site. Well, I opened my account about two years ago and tweeted pretty much every day since, and it didn't really turn out like I expected. I thought, you know, once I hit 8,000 tweets, I can get some traction, start getting more followers, but it never really happened. I mean, I gave it my best shot, I guess, but I think I'm about done here. Gartner, who himself avidly follows and retweets nearly 800 celebrities, corporations, politicians, and athletes, said that despite participating in trending topics, live tweeting the Super Bowl, and even directly asking his existing followers to retweet him, he has yet to be followed by anyone beyond a handful of friends, family members, and seemingly inactive accounts. This one time I tweeted out a pretty good joke about how out of control Lindsay Lohan is, and it actually got me a retweet. It was from this guy in Argentina, I don't know, who doesn't have any followers and he's not following anyone else. Oh, hold on a second. Apparently my aunt's following me now. Cool. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
Wizards_with_Guns | g_is_for_jesus | No, no, I remember when I was deep in the junglers a papa low one Kayina a little boy came up He little jungle boy and he said I'm so hungry got a piece of bread. I've got a grain of rice like anything I saw do you one better? Here's a Bible That's good. You learn about God. No, you eat it. He ate the Bible eat a hole in one bite Good Lord Now My son came to me with a confession He said daddy.
He said daddy. I'm a homosexual Lord And I thought about it. I prayed about it and I and I said son. I Want to love you and I'm gonna accept you for it makes you gay what you said you love a gay man that makes you gay Lord hey, hey, hey, there's no need to get all worked up about it brother. I still love you Now God Is a dog God is a dog now.
It's time for our first prayer request If you have a prayer call the number below caller. How can we pray for you today? I didn't like that. Maybe say a little bummer Why would you do that would you really pray about that?
If you'd like to make a donation in the church, it's not just four walls It's like six or seven like seven like seven eight seven eight seven eight, it's eight It's eight the church is an octagon now There's this poem I love about a man walking down the beach of life with the Lord And he looked back and he saw two sets of footprints in the sand But then the storm came and trials and tribulations came and he looked back and he only saw one set of footprints in the sand And the man turned to God and he said Lord Is there only one set of footprints because you were carrying me through my struggle and God said what no I was floating I'm God Everybody knows that what a moron now now now I've prepared a demonstration You see in the book of atresions. It says the devil is like a snake Where's his name? Brother the Bible says don't be afraid Daniel. No, he he sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake. He knows it.
You've been better or good. So be good Are you going to hell? No, no, no, no, no, no God. No, God God God Jesus Christ We shut the hell up about God God God God, it's all you talk about You In the story goes a traveler is robbed and beaten and left to die on the side of the road Now a priest walks by the traveler, but he keeps walking He leaves him to die and that a second holy man walks and he looks at the traveler But he but he keeps walking He leaves him to die now a third man a Samaritan walks to the traveler And he beat to me but he pushes him because I'm gonna stand in his eyes and he kicks him.
He kicks him. He pulls him in half He's pushing me and he throws him in the air and draws a katani Slashing them in the right hand and pulls him down and kicks him in the crotch And that's the bad Samaritan.
I Wrote that now now now there's a book in the Bible The devil that's the armor of God. Oh now don't forget about the sword Of the spirit, of course, how could I forget God or the flintlock of? righteousness, oh I'm not for me of salvation We're satisfied with their income. This too is meaningless. It's good increase So do you get those who consume them and what benefits are them to their ah, it's so boring I'm so bored And the last weapon of God's arsenal the bazooka of forgiveness Okay, hold on is that thing really it's for the metaphor for the things jammed Boy came up a little jungle boy.
He said I'm hungry. Yeah, absolutely. I love that piece of bread a little bit A little boy little jungle boy came up to me said I'm hungry Got a piece of bread Damn it friends. I'm so hungry a piece of bread |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_clueless | I don't know why Dion's going out with a high school boy. They're like dogs. You have to clean them and feed them, and they're just like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you. Ew! Get off of me! Ugh, as if!
Clueless, Amy Heckerling's film about sometimes being inside of a car, is a bonafide classic. Here are some things that will change the way you watch Clueless forever. Clueless marked the Hollywood debut of a ton of big name actors, including Paul Rudd, Tom Hardy, Sir Laurence Olivier, and Bryan Cranston. Whatever. Made in 1995, the whole movie is basically an encyclopedia of classic 90s slang, such as You divorce wives, not children. Come on you chuckleheads, get in here. And Anything happens to my daughter, I got a 45 and a shovel. Ever notice how this movie is absolutely drowning and plaid? This costuming decision was inspired by Alicia Silverstone's plaid teeth. You might not know it, but all the characters in Clueless are actually based closely on Jane Austen's 1815 novel, Emma. Let's break it down.
Okay, this is wild. In this scene, the trees outside are moving backwards, but the ones in the windshield reflection are moving forwards. Looks like somebody screwed up big time. That was way harsh, Ty. In the scene where Josh and Cher finally kiss, Paul Rudd's iconic line, Imagine saying we were, you know. Was totally improvised.
At the time of filming, Paul Rudd was seven years older than Alicia Silverstone, but only half as old as Wallace Shawn, the second oldest cast member. Meanwhile, the oldest principal cast member was 28-year-old Stacey Dash, who in three years will be as old as Wallace Shawn was in 1995. So, how old is Alicia Silverstone?
If you think you've figured out the answer, let us know in the comments. And that's all for now. Hope you learned something new about this quintessential 90s classic. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | why_wrestling_fans_hate_wrestling | Hey man. Hey. How was your weekend?
Eh, it was dumb. One of my friends wanted to watch for wrestling. Oh my god, that stuff is terrible. I can't handle it anymore. The acting is so bad. Roman Reigns can barely put together a sentence. It's so fake. Big Show doesn't know how to sell. Honestly, I feel embarrassed for those writers.
Yeah, how do you not have Daniel Bryan win the Rumble? And they totally squandered Miz and Mizdow. The endings are predetermined, so why would anyone watch it? Whoever Vince wants to win is gonna go over whether or not they have bad heat. Mmm, yeah. Those fans have to be complete idiots. How do you start a Cena sucks chant after that amazing triple threat with Rollins and Lesnar? I'm sure all those wrestlers are on steroids. Bret Hart talks a lot about that in his book.
They treat women like sex objects. Total Divas went downhill after season two. It promotes blind nationalism.
Sergeant Slaughter, Lex Luger, Jack Swagger. It's violent. Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Mikey Whipwreck.
Hey, but you know what, whatever. It's not like I'm gonna watch his wrestling anymore anyway, right? Yeah, that'll be true soon enough.
WWE is making the same mistakes WCW made in the late 90s. They've got a locker room full of young talent that is over with the crowd, and they're burying them in favor of old timers and guys who rub elbows with management. Back in Vince Russo era WCW, you had Kevin Nash burying Rey Mysterio. Now we've got big show burying Dolph Ziggler. I mean, WCW let Eddie Guerrero and Chris Jericho slip through their fingertips. Are we gonna see the same thing here with Daniel Bryan and Dean Ambrose?
They need to start listening to the crowd again. That's what made Stone Cold Steve Austin a babyface. That's what made The Rock a star. If they continue to neglect their fan base, we could very well see World Wrestling Entertainment go the way of World Championship Wrestling. It's Eric Bischoff all over again. Wait a minute.
You like wrestling. Of course I like wrestling.
That's why I hate it. A pretentious dickhead. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Inventory_Undemanded_Sequels | Today we want to talk about undemanded sequels. Sequels to films that you didn't even know had sequels that often have a tangential, at best, connection to the movies that inspired them. I want to start with one of the more egregious examples I know, which is The Cell II, the sequel to the 2000 thriller The Cell, starring Jennifer Lopez.
Lopez plays a character named Catherine Dean who can enter the minds of killers. And there's really the thinnest of connective tissue between the two of them. It opens with some footage from The Cell and said there was Catherine Dean, you know, had the various powers Catherine Dean was one of them. And says something like, and there's another one. Now there's another. That's how we go to this really, really low-budget sequel starring Tessie Santiago. I could go into his conscious mind. I could see what he's seeing right now. And it kind of has the murder she wrote rule where the highest billed guest star is obviously the killer. This is Duncan, one of my deputies. Come on, let's go check it out. In the midst of all these, you know, very D-list stars, you get a C-list star like Frank Whaley. Let me take your pulse.
It's okay. I used to be an EMT. You kind of know that Frank Whaley is gonna have a bigger part to play than you might suspect. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. It's been a little bit of money at the end where it looks like they're kind of doing a demo reel for Adobe After Effects.
Does it leave any unanswered questions for Cell 3 to pick up? The precedent has been set that you don't really need that much connective tissue between sequels and the Cell franchise. And then another one has the same power. And now there is a third one. Do you have a better, undemanded sequel that we could talk about?
I have something. Have you seen the film Donnie Darko? I have. Do you enjoy the film Donnie Darko? I did. Okay, this is a cult favorite starring Jake Gyllenhaal, directed by Richard Kelly.
Would a sequel sound interesting to you? I'm intrigued. Of course it would.
It's still in your room. Uh, nobody else.
It takes place not in the 80s, but seven years later. And she and a friend are traveling cross-country from Virginia to California. And then a lot of strange Donnie Darko-y things start happening to them. She can see the future. You know, the world is going to end in X amount of time, just like in Donnie Darko.
And so all these elements are the same, and there are various callbacks to the original movie. There ought to be some connection between what happened to Sam and Donnie. Everyone remembers the great sequence in Donnie Darko set to Tears for Fears, Head Over Heels. Where all the major characters are introduced, and it's done in this incredible style.
Here they try to do the same thing, except to the novelty hit by the band Whale, Hobo Humpin' Slowbo Babe. Except it doesn't have nearly the same impact. It's kind of a weird, straight-to-video facsimile of what Donnie Darko was, and it's really bad. Your film, I understand, is maybe a little less ambitious. Well, I have two films, actually.
I have Revenge of the Nerds 3, Next Generation, and 4, Nerds in Love. Now, Revenge of the Nerds 1984, to me, is one of the better of the raunchy 80s sex comedies. Both Next Generation from 1992 and Nerds in Love from 1994 are straight-to-TV movies. So they remove any nudity, any bad language, anything that has any kind of edge whatsoever. Your heck week is about to begin now. Next Generation is actually a marginally interesting film.
The nerds are now in charge at Adams College. The jocks are marginalized. They turned the gymnasium into the computer science center. Then Morton Downey Jr. decides to mobilize the jocks with the help of Ted McGinley. You could be remembered as the guys who take the campus back!
The film also features an appearance by a semi-Anthony Edwards look-alike. Hi, Lewis. Kilburn. Wanted someone who looks like Anthony Edwards, but not as handsome.
The film that follows that one, Nerds in Love, has the nerds gathering for Booger's wedding, and it really has nothing to do with the general style of the first three films. Are there some undemanded sequels that actually are interesting? Well, off the top of my head, I wouldn't even call it good. The director had his name removed, but the sequel to Cabin Fever, Cabin Fever 2, it's a good, ambitious effort that you wouldn't necessarily expect from something that would be a straight-to-video, straight-to-DVD. For more undemanded sequels, visit avclub.com.
It takes place not in the 80s, but seven years later, and she and a friend are traveling cross-country from Virginia to California, and then a lot of strange Donnie Darko-y things start happening to them. She can see the future, you know, the world is going to end in X amount of time, just like in Donnie Darko, and so all these elements are the same, and there are various callbacks to the original movie. There ought to be some connection between what happened to Sam and Donnie. Everyone remembers the great sequence in Donnie Darko set to Tears for Fears, Head Over Heels, where all the major characters are introduced, and it's done in this incredible style. Here they try to do the same thing. It takes place not in the 80s, but seven years later, and she and a friend are traveling cross-country from Virginia to California, and then a lot of strange Donnie Darko-y things start happening to them. She can see the future, you know, the world is going to end in X amount of time, just like in Donnie Darko, and so all these elements are the same, and there are various callbacks to the original movie. There ought to be some connection between what happened to Sam and Donnie. Everyone remembers the great sequence in Donnie Darko set to Tears for Fears, Head Over Heels, where all the major characters are introduced, and it's done in this incredible style. Here they try to do the same thing, except to the novelty hit by the band Whale, Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe, except it's kind of a weird, straight-to-video facsimile of what Donnie Darko was, and it's really bad.
Your film, I understand, is maybe a little less ambitious. Well, I have two films, actually. I have Revenge of the Nerds 3, Next Generation, and 4, Nerds in Love. Now, Revenge of the Nerds 1984, to me, is one of the better of the raunchy 80s sex comedies. Both Next Generation from 92 and Nerds in Love from 94 are straight-to-TV movies, so they remove any nudity, any bad language, anything that has any kind of edge whatsoever. Your heck week is about to begin now. Next Generation is actually a marginally interesting film.
The Nerds are now in charge at Adams College. The jocks are marginalized. They turned the gymnasium into the computer science center. And then Morton Downey Jr. decides to mobilize the jocks with the help of Ted McGinley. You could be remembered as the guys who take the campus back!
The film also features an appearance by a semi-Anthony Edwards look-alike. Hi, Lewis. Kilburn. Want it. Someone who looks like Anthony Edwards, but not as handsome.
The film that follows that, when Nerds in Love, has the Nerds gathering for Booger's wedding, and really has nothing to do with the general style of the first three films. Nerds!
Or are there some, you know, undemanded sequels that actually are interesting? Well, off the top of my head, I wouldn't even call it good. The director had his name removed, but the sequel to Cabin Fever, Cabin Fever 2, it's a good, ambitious effort that you wouldn't necessarily expect from something that would be a straight-to-video, straight-to-DVD.
Behold the Nerds! It's kind of a weird, straight-to-video facsimile of what Donnie Darko was, and it's really bad. Your film, I understand, is maybe a little less ambitious. Well, I have two films, actually. I have Revenge of the Nerds 3, Next Generation, and 4, Nerds in Love. Now, Revenge of the Nerds 1984, to me, is one of the better of the raunchy 80s sex comedies. Both Next Generation from 92 and Nerds in Love from 94 are straight-to-TV movies. So they remove any nudity, any bad language, anything that has any kind of edge whatsoever. Your heck week is about to begin now. Next Generation is actually a marginally interesting film.
The Nerds are now in charge at Adams College. The jocks are marginalized. They turned the gymnasium into the computer science center. And then Morton Downey Jr. decides to mobilize the jocks with the help of Ted McGinley. You could be remembered as the guys who take the campus back!
The film also features an appearance by a semi-Anthony Edwards look-alike. Hi, Louis. Killed her. Wanted someone who looks like Anthony Edwards but not as handsome.
The film that follows that one, Nerds in Love, has the Nerds gathering for Booger's wedding. And really has nothing to do with the general style of the first three films. Are there some undemanded sequels that actually are interesting? Well, off the top of my head, I wouldn't even call it good. The director had his name removed. But the sequel to Cabin Fever, Cabin Fever 2, it's a good, ambitious effort that you wouldn't necessarily expect from something that would be straight to video or straight to DVD. Behold the Nerds job. For more undemanded sequels, visit avclub.com.
S. Darko. S. Darko has all your favorites back. Donnie Darko's little sister, Samantha.
It fell in your room! Nobody else.
It takes place not in the 80s, but seven years later. And she and a friend are traveling cross-country from Virginia to California, and then a lot of strange Donnie Darko-y things start happening to them. She can see the future. The world is going to end in X amount of time, just like in Donnie Darko.
So all these elements are the same, and there are various callbacks to the original movie. There ought to be some connection between what happened to Sam and Donnie. Everyone remembers the great sequence in Donnie Darko set to Tears for Fears, Head Over Heels. Where all the major characters are introduced and it's done in this incredible style.
Here they try to do the same thing, except to the novelty hit by the band Whale, Hobo Humpin' Slobo Babe, except it doesn't have nearly the same impact. It's kind of a weird, straight-to-video facsimile of what Donnie Darko was, and it's really bad. Your film, I understand, is maybe a little less ambitious. Well, I have two films, actually.
I have Revenge of the Nerds 3, Next Generation, and 4, Nerds in Love. Now, Revenge of the Nerds 1984, to me, is one of the better of the raunchy 80s sex comedies. Both Next Generation from 92 and Nerds in Love from 94 are straight-to-TV movies. So they remove any nudity, any bad language, anything that has any kind of edge whatsoever. Your heck week is about to begin now. Next Generation is actually a marginally interesting film.
The Nerds are now in charge at Adams College, the jocks are marginalized. They turned the gymnasium into the computer science center. And then Morton Downey Jr. decides to mobilize the jocks with the help of Ted McGinley.
You could be remembered as the guys who take the cameras back! The film also features an appearance by a semi-Anthony Edwards look-alike. Hi, Lewis. Kilburn. Want it? Someone who looks like Anthony Edwards but not as handsome?
The film that follows that one, Nerds in Love, has the Nerds gathering for Booger's wedding. And really has, it's really nothing to do with the general style of the first three films. Are there some, you know, undemanded sequels that actually are interesting? Well, off the top of my head, I wouldn't even call it good. The director had his name removed, but the sequel to Cabin Fever, Cabin Fever 2, it's a good, ambitious effort that you wouldn't necessarily expect from something that would be straight to video, straight to DVD. Behold the Nerds job! For more undemanded sequels, visit avclub.com. |
dropout | why_the_moon_landing_couldn_t_have_been_faked_adam_ruins_everything | Okay, explain it to me one more time. Why do you think the moon landing was faked? We're both skeptics, right? So think about it skeptically. There's no way NASA had the technology to go to the moon. They just filmed it on the sound stage. That would have been way easier. Yeah, that's what conspiracy theorists think. But the truth is, faking the moon landing in 1969 actually would have been harder than just going to the moon in the first place.
Here, I'll show you. Fake moon landing. Take one. All right, in this scene, you're on the moon, and it's real, and we're fooling America, and we're action! See? Stanley Kubrick just shot a guy jumping around on set, and then they played it back on TV.
Sorry, but given the filmmaking and lighting technology at the time, that actually wouldn't have been possible. Right! The lighting! Look at how bright it is. Look at these shadows! This was clearly shot in a studio. Actually, creating that lighting would have been essentially impossible in a studio.
Using image forensics, I can tell you that the light source we see in the moon footage is actually parallel sun rays with no diffusion. If you look at the photos from the Apollo mission, you can see that all the shadows are parallel, because the light source is 93 million miles away. But if you try to recreate that same photo using studio lighting, the shadows diverge. Huh. Back in the 60s, the only way to recreate that effect would be to build a wall of millions of laser lights so close together they'd be like pixels on a TV screen.
No, no, no, no, no! This lighting is all wrong!
I need lasers, Peter! Lasers! But lasers back then were big and costly, so rigging together that many at that size would have required an enormous apparatus that probably would have cost more than the entire Apollo project. Perfect! This is great. Now, we just need millions of these lasers.
Oh, uh, I don't know if that's in our budget or the country's. Honestly, Peter, you make me furious.
And in those days, the only lasers that were practically available were red. Which means the color photos we have from the moon landing would have been impossible. I can't shoot in red light! It makes this moon look like a vaudelio! Correction, we need millions of ultra-rare multicolored lasers.
How do I explain that? I mean, that's not even a remote- How do I explain it to the remote hero? Go back to film school, Peter!
Now today, we could recreate the correct lighting with computer graphics. But in 1969, those didn't exist. I've asked my colleagues in forensics and in movie production, and given the parallel light rays and the detailed color photos, we just cannot think of any way they could have faked the moon landing with the technology they had at the time.
Hmm. Thanks, Mark. I'm convinced. Maybe that's what they want you to think.
What if NASA secretly created computer graphics and just kept it from us for 40 years? Well then, an astronomical number of people would have had to keep that secret. Like over 400,000 NASA employees. You want all 400,000 of us to keep our mouths shut?
Yes, please. Good luck.
We love NASA. Scientists from Australia, Spain, and England who said they independently picked up the moon landing transmission from space.
And why would we lie for you? You're always making fun of our Vegemite. And the Russians, our space race rivals, who had every reason to prove us wrong. It's been 50 years, and we haven't even claimed that you've faked it. You beat us fair and square this time, but we'll get you back in 2016.
Well where's the tangible proof that we went to the moon, huh? There isn't any. Actually, there is.
While the astronauts were on the moon, they laid out a reflective material called retroreflectors. So today, when an observatory on Earth aims a high powered laser at them, it bounces right back.
Cut! Shut it down! This is impossible! Oh, no, no, no, wait!
It still could have been fate! All you'd have to do is secretly develop computer graphics technology decades ahead of its time, convince multiple governments to lie on our behalf, and then somehow get retroreflectors to the moon without actually going there. You could do that, right? Forget it, lady. It'd be easier to put a man on the moon.
Hey, Adam here. If you like that, be sure to watch all new episodes of Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 on TruTV. You make me furious.
And in those days, the only lasers that were practically available were red, which means the color photos we have from the moon landing would have been impossible. I can't shoot in red light! It makes this moon look like a vordello! Correction! We need millions of ultra-rare multicolored lasers!
How do I explain that? I mean, that's not even a remote laser! How do I explain it?
Remote laser? Go back to film school, Peter! Now today, we could recreate the correct lighting with computer graphics. But in 1969, those didn't exist. I've asked my colleagues in forensics and in movie production, and given the parallel light rays and the detailed color photos, we just cannot think of any way they could have faked the moon landing with the technology they had at the time.
Hmm. Thanks, Mark. I'm convinced. Maybe that's what they want you to think.
What if NASA secretly created computer graphics and just kept it from us for 40 years? Well then, an astronomical number of people would have had to keep that secret. Like over 400,000 NASA employees. You want all 400,000 of us to keep our mouths shut?
Yes, please. Good luck.
We love NASA. Scientists from Australia, Spain and England, who said they independently picked up the moon landing transmission from space.
And why would we lie for you? You're always making fun of our Vegemite. And the Russians, our space race rivals, who had every reason to prove us wrong. It's been 50 years, and we haven't even claimed that you've faked it. You beat us fair and square this time, but we'll get you back in 2016.
So where's the tangible proof that we went to the moon, huh? There isn't any. Actually, there is.
While the astronauts were on the moon, they laid out a reflective material called retro reflectors. So today, when an observatory on Earth aims a high-powered laser at them, it bounces right back.
Cut! Shut it down! This is impossible! Oh, no, no, no! Wait!
It still could have been fate! All you'd have to do is secretly develop computer graphics technology decades ahead of its time, convince multiple governments to lie on our behalf, and then somehow get retro reflectors to the moon without actually going there. You could do that, right? Forget it, lady. It'd be easier to put a man on the moon. |
dropout | sushi_express_the_food_startup_destined_to_fail_very_soon | go haven't we all been there waiting for the sushi bar to open waiting to be seated waiting for your order to come you even have to wait for your check I love eating sushi but this is too hard to do thankfully here at Jasper and Chester we've solved this problem permanently with sushi Express for the first time in human history you can get sushi the way you walk right to your door we deliver the sort of freshness found only from the highest end of restaurants right to your dinner table in your preferred configuration that's right sushi expresses the premiere delivery service to get your sushi order from point A to point B you can send a Philadelphia roll to New York or a California roll to South Dakota that's my favorite Dakota messing around we harvest the best local grocery store sushi we seal them securely in our switch proof packaging pouch the Fort Knox and mailers patent pending sushi so easy you just order online when we have a site that is is this a good idea should we do this you tell us or hey do you want a sushi bar because we would love our old jobs back sure we were fired from our positions at sushi ama and sure sushi Express was born from spite and sure we realize birthing a business out of spite for the purposes of revenge is not the correct way to begin a business right and sure we're actually here to offer our men's to our former sense a boss Tanaka boss Tanaka we humbly apologize but hey if you want to order sushi Express we'll even wash dishes fair wages her fair work sushi Express try us today or don't it's up to you as we have we have we need time to make the website and everything coming soon |
CrackerMilk | the_date_cop | I was lying about what six inches was. Yeah, that was... Oh, no worries. I've got this. It's okay. Oh, no, no, no. I'll pay for half. Okay.
Sorry, what? What?
I said I'd pay for half. Yeah, that's great. Thank you. That'll help a lot. Good evening. Sorry to bother you.
Um, I have had some reports that a date is going horribly wrong over here. So I just thought as the date cop, I would come and check and, you know, keep the peace. Date cop?
Yes, we exist. Ooh. So can you just run me through what's happened here this evening?
So we received the bill. He said, I'll pay for it. And I said, no, no, no, please, like, I'll pay for half.
Nice one, yeah. And then you said... Yes. What the fuck? What? Let me just explain something to you.
All right, since this is your first offence, I'm going to be lenient. I'm going to let you off tonight. I will let you know, however, it is usually a $300 fine.
So just make sure you drive your lady home safe tonight. I'll be happy. I don't drive. She ordered me an Uber.
Yeah, so that's going to be $300. So, um... I don't have $300! Look, look, I feel horrible, okay? I'll pay for half. Thank you. Are you joking? Okay. I'm going to need backup. Copy that. I'm approaching the stinky manchild as we speak.
We want to make even more skits every single week. So if you sign up to our Patreon and support us there, we can make it happen. The more of you sign up there, the more content you get, baby.
You scratch... You scratch our back, we scratch yours. You scratch my ass, I wipe it clean. |
dropout | why_can_t_there_be_a_black_stormtrooper | There I've got siphon an imperial stormtrooper wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait what that's not a stormtrooper look again No, no, I'm pretty sure it's a stormtrooper check out his armor. Yeah. Yeah, but look at his uh the um the rest of him oh Dude come on that's racist no no it's not racist. I'm just saying stormtroopers can't be Black that is just so ignorant. I can't you're ignorant all our intel says that stormtroopers are clones the bounty hunter Jango Fett It's very important that we stick to that information. Why is that important though those were clone troopers? This is a stormtrooper and also since when do you or anyone else give a shit about Jango Fett? I've always liked Jango Fett swear to God. I thought he was cool. No, you don't think he's cool You're just not comfortable with a black stormtrooper.
I'm not comfortable because it's wrong It's impossible, it's not impossible the Empire just updated its military I would they do that when they can just build a whole army yeah whole army that was haywire and kills your allies if you say They're on code word. I refuse to believe that anyone could recruit that many soldiers. What else is there to do on this planet? There's so much to do you could you others you you could be a moisture farmer Whatever dude you're being more racist than I am you want to kill him. I want to let him live Yeah, you want to let him live for the wrong reasons. I want to kill him for the right reasons Semantic seriously considering all the crazy shit in this universe Is it really that hard to believe that the Empire would have one black stormtrooper?
All right fine fine. He's probably a stormtrooper. Thank you very much Oh, oh my god. Oh my god. He hit me. Oh I guess he wasn't a stormtrooper you see all right. Don't go Women drivers, right Wait, dude, that's your daughter.
Wait, is that confirmed? You know, I actually don't know for sure. Yeah Yeah, I mean it seems like it could be but I just like we don't have a lot of information and people are like a lot of speculation |
dropout | Just_One_Sec | Hey guys! Just thought I would do a little check-in with everyone, you know, see how y'all are doing after the layoffs. Um, not- Yeah, we're doing great.
There's a death emmit!
I love going outside. I'm bringing the new bed.
Yeah, totally! Yeah, aside from all that. Oh yeah, I'm doing alright. It's doing everything good. It's terribly not- Family's good, healthy. Okay, great!
Who wants to share first? Uh, actually, before we get started, I just need to use the bathroom real quick. I'm so sorry, it'll just take a sec. Um, sure. Oh, is this a good time to grab some tea? Maybe. Will that take less time than Trap in the bathroom? Is it a number one or a number two? I don't know. You know, Trap seems like a pooper. I'll just be a sec.
Seems like a pooper? Everybody poops.
Ugh! You wish! So ignorant.
God, that was really close. Okay, sorry about that everyone, we can get started now. Yeah, we're waiting on Katie now. Oh, so I did have time for a number two. Alright, I'll be right back. Wait, Trap!
Well, if everyone's gonna take a break, I'm just gonna go whip up a quick batch of cookies. I can use a break. We're not taking a break. If I go right now, I can do it so quickly.
Watch. No! Tao! Well, if Tao's making food, then I'm gonna make some eggs. Really, everyone, it's not gonna take that long. We don't know how Trap poops. Ugh! It's fine! You can still see me in frame and hear me. Okay, got my tea. No Trap?
Guess he was pooping. No, he wasn't pooping before. Now he is pooping.
Okay. Where's Tao?
He's making cookies. So, we might start without him once everyone else is back. Oh my god, my cookies!
Katie, no! What's that? Ugh!
How long is this break? This isn't a break. But knowing Trap, I'd say at least ten minutes. Thank you, Dan. Okay, you know, I was planning to wait till the end of the meeting to do this, but now that we're kind of stretching out a little bit, do you think it would be okay if I jumped off to watch all of Ken Burns' baseball?
Absolutely not. Why? Okay, where is everybody? Various excuses. Rude. Yeah.
I mean, if you know you're gonna take a while, you should let us know. I absolutely had time to take a number three. I'll be right back. Trap! Oh, just take a second.
What's a number three? Diarrhea. Oh, you just go to the bathroom to cry. I thought it was your period, but I guess that doesn't make sense. My number three is a period.
Well, if Trap has time to take a number three, I'm gonna go wake up my neighbors. It should be ten minutes. No more than ten minutes, okay? Thank you, Dan. To do what? Wake up his neighbors?
Okay, cookies are in the oven. Oh, Katie's here. I guess I wasn't fast enough. I was faster than Trap's poop. Oh, I forgot my tea in the other room. Oh, time to rotate the cookies.
Just to follow up, Sam, I'm reading here online that it is the most comprehensive documentary on the subject of baseball. So it's not like I would need to watch multiple documentaries. I'm happy to do this meeting again later and watch all of baseball now. Or if it's better for me to miss this meeting and watch all of baseball right now. No baseball, no jazz, no national parks, no Ken Burns documentaries of any kind, okay? The thing about baseball, though, as a documentary is that it's...
Oh, okay. That was a number three. We talking Ken Burns' baseball in here? Oh, you know it, baby. We're talking about Ken Burns' baseball, dude.
19 hour documentary. Yeah! Give me that thorough documentary of America's first time. Focus on it.
Okay, we're set. Well, we are still waiting. We are still waiting on Grant and Rick.
Oh, I was just standing off frame. I don't have anything to do. Well, they're awake and they are not happy. Hey, we're all here.
Let me take the baseball. We could get the baseball now. Take me out to the mall.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. I have so many questions, but we've already wasted so much time. So, at long last, is everyone ready to get started? Guys?
And you're frozen. That's great. I'm actually not frozen. I was just smiling. But if everyone else is frozen, I'm going to go take a number four. I'll be right back.
We are live in the Dropout Discord, an exclusive content such as Dimension 20. There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? So sign up for your free trial today.
Or don't. Do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. I don't even know you. That would be crazy. It was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I'm sorry, and that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA? |
cracked | 5_eerily_accurate_predictions_made_in_demolition_man_today_s_topic | Boy, Demolition Man got so many things right. Uh, I'm actually leaving for the day, it's uh, my niece's quinceanera, so. Tomorrow. Demolition Man. Yeah, no worries. Boy, Demolition Man got so many things right.
Not from an efficiency of storytelling perspective. Okay, you're making a movie about two guys fighting in the future. Why in seven hells would you come up with such a convoluted- No, not storytelling. Future telling. That movie was crazy good at predicting the future.
Is this your way of telling me you s*** it on my seashells? Seriously, think about it. I don't want to think about it, just tell me what you want me to think.
Fast food restaurants like McDonald's and Taco Bell, they're constantly updating their menus to seem more fancy. When we were kids, McDonald's was burgers, burgers with cheese, fries, those containers that destroy the oceans, and that was f***ing it. Now there's salads and menu, bars with calorie counts on them, and egg sandwiches that are just the whites of the egg. Egg whites! Hell, even the CEO of Taco Bell has gone on record saying their new menu is gourmet Mexican. Taco Bell! Which, when I was a kid, served brown lettuce and future diarrhea in the form of a taco. But if I had just thought about that when you asked me to, there's no way I would've gotten to like poop and fast food stuff, right? But in Demolition Man, almost all the restaurants are wiped out, except Taco Bell, which is now a gourmet restaurant.
But that's one thing. Demolition Man also predicted that cursing would be outlawed. Are you s***ing me? And f***, f***, hole, fart, fist, stop me, America. They won't, because they love it, and we always will.
It also predicted GPS technology in cars. Vector 137, upcoming Santa Monica Boulevard. GPS technology is ubiquitous now, but D-Man predicted that in 1993, when you still had to drive around by pedaling your feet, Flintstone style.
Yeah, I remember that. Oh! Also, iPads. There's a scene where Sandy Bole basically skipes with another guy, handheld devices with video conferencing capabilities. Demolition Man was on that s***.
Isn't that sort of the job of speculative fiction? I mean, predict the way the world's going to be based on current technological trends and unaddressed needs. It's nothing special. Ooh, but it gets eerie.
This is in 1993, when he was still making Last Action Hero, which... Everybody down! Awesome movie. Well, way before he ever jumped off!
In the direction... Oh, that's my Arnold Schwarzenegger. In the direction of politics. That was a throwaway joke, but D-Man nailed it, and today there are kids who don't even know that Arnold Schwarzenegger is anything other than a politician.
In 2005, there was a guy named Scott Peterson who murdered his wife. Then he got a pretty hefty jail sentence out of it.
Yeah, I remember. Is this like a palate cleanser from the Arnold thing?
Because it's not a good one. There's a scene where they go through this manifest of all these cryogenically frozen prisoners. And of course, Wesley Snipes' character is on there. But guess who else is on that list?
Peter's and Scott. Scott, I murdered my wife's s***. Peter's.
Oh. Do you know what that means? I'm going to run into a guy named Quentin Hyde, I'm going to avoid him. It means that when it comes to predicting the future, Demolition Man is pitching a perfect game. Hey, yeah.
So?
Sign my petition to have seashells in the office bathroom. Gah, I knew it! Thank you. Is that the bottom? Anywhere is fine. You're the first. Every muscle, every blood vessel has desire and pressure built up in his You know what, I'll read this whole thing to you if you subscribe. It's a romance novel. There's a lot of good stuff in here. I would give you the whole package. That's euphemism for a dick. |
cracked | 1_7_08_news_on_cracked_sears_fat_kids_primaries_justine | It's Monday, January 7th, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm tracked in an echo chamber. Sears faces widespread criticism after privacy groups revealed that Sears.com places spyware on its customers' computers to monitor their activities without clearly disclosing its actions. We here at the News On Cracked would never do such a th- Hey!
Hey, James! Yeah, I'm talking to you! James, listen! Focus on me for a minute. You can go look at your porn and order, what is that, Super Mario Galaxy from Amazon after you finish watching the news, alright? Alright.
A new health survey found that the majority of parents of overweight children don't see their children as overweight. The survey found that nearly 67% of the parents surveyed considered their children husky, 20% considered their kids extremely overweight, 11% considered them so fat that when God said, let there be light, he had to tell them to, quote, move their fat ass the hell out the way, and the remaining 2% could not be surveyed because their children had already eaten them. That's a tough break for science.
Mm-hmm. Yep.
Our surveys indicate that that is a terrible, terrible joke. Truly atrocious. We've gotten some pushback that folks in the audience aren't huge fans of iPhone etiquette tips from iJustine, so we fired iJustine.
In our place, we've now hired Justine with this in-depth look at coffee. Coffee was invented in 1809 by former UN Secretary General Kofi Annan. He wanted to call the newly discovered beverage a non-juice, but it was his first name that gave the drink its actual name. Coffee is made by squeezing beans really, really hard while you pour water over them. Starbucks is the only authorized manufacturer of coffee on the planet. Also, coffee can help cure acne.
Back to you, Lex. Thanks, Justine. I really learned a lot that time, and I love learning. That's it for today's edition of the news on crack. Check back tomorrow when you'll notice that we're now doing the show just three days a week, since you've just watched this episode a second time. |
TheOnion | Samsung_Releases_New_Big_Fucking_TV | Obama spends the afternoon in a garage restoring a classic drone, McDonald's is now offering bereavement prices, and a sexual predator gets tenure. Millions have already watched this program, and because you're a spineless sheep, you're also going along for the ride. This is the Onion Week in Review. This Wednesday, Samsung announced the release of its brand new really big fucking television. Representatives for the South Korean electronics manufacturer told reporters at a press conference that the goddamn gargantuan of an electronics product boasted a variety of new features, including being super heavy and having a screen that was probably 100 fucking inches wide for all they knew. We here at Samsung think this new product will appeal to today's consumers who are looking for a television that's really, really huge. I mean, this thing is built like a fucking mad truck. You just really have to see it to believe it.
According to a report released this Tuesday, no one, absolutely no one, will ever stack up to your eighth-grade boyfriend, Brian Bowton, who you dated for six weeks in middle school. A 43-page study from Stanford University confirmed that no other guy in your life will ever be as kind or caring as the 13-year-old who held your hand during the scary parts of Jurassic Park, who had that really cool chain wallet, and who bought you two pink carnations on Valentine's Day. The report added that while your current boyfriend does have a lot going for him, he will certainly never cut class with you to listen to the dead Kennedy's Frankenchrist on a Sony Discman. Brian used to do that with you? He used to do it all the time.
Researchers at Oxford University released a report Thursday confirming that statues are the closest non-living ancestors to humans. Scientists who coordinated the 10-year study cited statues' use of clothing, apparent hobbies, and physical appearance as clear evidence that humans share more traits with sculptures than with any other inanimate species in known existence. As with all of our non-living ancestors, there are, of course, many differences between us and statues, such as their wide range in sizes, their lack of opposable thumbs, and the fact that their bodies often are entirely composed of marble. Still, if you look close enough at any statue, if you look deep into its eyes, you really can see how it does resemble mankind in many ways.
And in this week's sports news, The Onion offers Richie Incognito a five-year, 50 million dollar contract. In other news, a dad from 2150 can't get enough Iraq war documentaries. An important decision is sent up to the company's highest idiot. And an area mother doesn't see why Thai people need to make food so spicy. Today's Onion Review was sponsored by Bamboo Garden, voted the best family-owned Chinese restaurant in Idaho for five years running. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_season_49_bloopers_part_1 | I think they're maybe. blue for real. why don't you take one apple? only mark. ugh. fail. just redo it. just dune from the start. I choose you. Oh, I broke it. whoa. the moonwalk? God, dude. you're making a mess. we didn't yell at you when you spilled that little cup of water yesterday. you did? I'm like, what? three point six.
Shannon. Shannon, I am the. Shannon.
I am the. Shannon, I am the only star. what is this s***? it's good. will it be goes double or nothing if people on the piss. on the piss Pam? may I remind you that. hello, I missed my cue anyway. live from New York, it's Shannon. I am great. What do we always say? familiar. familiar. I'm supposed to get out of bed and come to you. Because I'm doing this.
The way that she looked at me with absolute disgust was really funny.
What is the next line? Beat block, no broad detected, lean your status after life. I didn't say anything. what time is it?
Nipo, truce. a foot in the door and so much more. that's crazy. at least you guys look like characters from Guess Who? Who, Curtis, Leroy and Mildred? We do know you love picking up garbage, which is why we turn your. I am in here. at least I. we were happy. Oh, shit. |
Wizards_with_Guns | mega_billionaire_can_t_relate_to_his_millionaire_friends_ | Ha ha ha! And then I said, Guest house? Don't you mean guest mansion? and he said, No... Guest room!
No! Poor! Classic poor people! How quaint! Quite! Oh! This poor I once knew! Yeah?
He-he kept bumping his head on the chandeliers of his trampoline wing Oh! So he raised the ceilings instead of, oh I don't know, lowering the floor?
Why does every poor person do that? I bet poor people vacation on this planet! Right. Yo, y'all, who am I, who am I? I think I'll just rant this island. Poor, poor, you're the poor, poor, who am I again? I'll have only the surf, from the surf and turf.
Poor people, I bet they hunt lions instead of the men they invite on their lion hunts. Um, Cliff, aren't we going hunting next week? Yes, but we're hunting tigers.
Poor people are always like, I'll have to ship my limo overseas, my yacht's garage isn't long enough. It's like, buy a longer yacht, or at least another limo.
I bet they have to eat, instead of wearing a gird pod. I bet they don't even know what a gird pod is.
Excuse me, I'm getting a call. Oh, fuck. Guys, is Cliff an alien? No, he's just insanely rich. He has a hard time relating. What's a gird pod? Sorry about that. There was a minor issue on the sun. I have a sun house. Wow. It's big. Anyway, what were we bonding about?
Poor people? Ha! I bet poor people, I bet they, I bet poor people have genuine connections. People who love them. Not just for their financial status, or their position of power, but for who they are truly. Within their hearts. The poor people!
No, just bring me a gird pod. I'm starving. Okay, stimulator activated. Wait, Athena, no! Okay, turning off. Safety mode. No! Who am I again? I'll have only the surf from the surf and turf, because I can't afford the turf from the surf and turf. Huh? |
TheOnion | Google_Shuts_Down_Gmail_For_Two_Hours_To_Show_Its_Immense_Power | Steal your nerves, you're about to get hit with the NewsBlitz. Our frontline story this hour, in Baltimore, the streets have gotten safer thanks to the success of the new permanent daylight initiative, which aims to prevent crime by illuminating the entire city 24 hours a day using over 350,000 high-powered floodlights. It's just that it's so bright all the time, even in the rain. City officials say there have been zero violent crimes since the start of the program, except for one man who vandalized the light by throwing his body off a building into it.
Now let's set our crosshairs onto Mountain View, California, where Gmail servers were down for nearly two hours today in what Google called a show of their immense power. In an online statement, the company said, Trimble before Google, with the mirror flip of a switch, we can bring you to your knees. Just to really mess with us, they allowed us to see that we had new mail in our inboxes, but we couldn't open any of it. Listen, we got it, Google. You own us. Can I please just have my calendar back? After re-establishing service this afternoon, Google changed its logo and released a statement saying, if not appeased with a 20% increase in Google Chrome downloads by the next Vernal Equinox, they will take back their generous gift unto mankind of colored conversation labeling.
Our next target is Hollywood, where hit band the Black Eyed Peas are making headlines after adding a paraplegic to their lineup. The group said that after brainstorming a list of hundreds of possibilities for new bandmates, they finally settled on the 28-year-old disabled rapper known as Truewheel. Black Eyed Peas front man, Will.I.Am, said in an interview last night that Truewheel represents a demographic not usually associated with rapping, and that's exactly why the Peas chose him. He's one of us.
Forget what was, it's about what is. Sorry, it's all deep and shit.
The Black Eyed Peas upcoming tour, We Are All, has already sold out nationwide as fans are clamoring to see the newest disabled Pea. All proceeds from the tour will be going to Will.I.Am's new charity, which helps cancer patients learn to use Foursquare.
How inspiring. All right, you can take off your helmet. You have survived the news blitz. Tonight in the cabin, school moms telling about how they talk about corpulations down to school. Only a fool needs telling how to screw. Just let the pecker guide you. Come on, listen anyhow. |
cracked | why_speed_dating_is_terrible_people_watching_1 | So tell me about yourself, I'm really lonely, but I'm worried the more desperate you are the less attractive that makes you So it's kind of a Yeah So where did you grow up? Hey, how's it going never really done this kind of thing before I have I've done a way too many goddamn times I'm about at the point where I want to just start Master rating under the table while maintaining eye contact just to see if anyone notices. Hey, I see. Sorry I'm just jaded you do these events and you meet the same people over and over or rather you don't meet them because everyone's generically Trying to appeal to the largest number of people and it just feels so pointless Sorry Why come then because the people I meet at work are the worst and because approaching a stranger in a bar is just prejudice in A flowery typeface. I sure wouldn't date anyone where I work What do you stripper not because it was the only avenue for me or because I just needed to pay for school But because I genuinely like being naked in front of large groups of people despite the cognitive dissonance of that situation Assessinating the kind of audience that I'm morally thinks the human body is inherently taboo. You sure are Forthcoming you sure are still talking to me because a certain level of conventional beauty mitigates an equal level of craziness Look compatibility is based off specificity, right? So tonight I thought it'd be as specific as possible as a shortcut to eliminating everyone who's not a good match So you've got all your potential matches, right? and then either I can say hi, my name is Joan and I took economics in school and and I really like movies and I believe you've already met my giant rack and Then I'm gonna be here all goddamn night or I can say hi My stage name is candy and don't you hate it when you're sliding naked down a pole in front of the kind of Businessmen who are ruining the country and one of them throws a five and someone used a sharpie to make the guy in the bill I don't know his name look like Spock and you have to fight not to burst into laughter in the middle of your twerk Routine because it would humanize you and that's worse for business in a way that your cellulite only dreams of and yes I just narrowed the dating field down to people with a stripper fetish But hopefully there's also a couple people who heard the nuances of what I was saying or the way I was saying it Or even my willingness to say it and regardless of my career choices something fundamentally resonated Which is who you want to be dating thus? Radical honesty.
I mean it's supposed to be speed dating, right? This just makes it like warp speed dating That was probably something to it. I mean basically all I heard there were the two references to Star Trek.
So right on a my favorite series is Voyager What kind of music you like I don't know I like stuff from a bunch of different genres, I guess Wow Risky strategy that's for sure is it though if I tell every potential date that I think the criminal justice system should be restructured so that multiple Accusations of sexual assault against one individual are classified as evidence and the high percentage of convictions introduced by this fundamental change would outweigh The small number of false convictions then I'm weeding out entire groups people who think sexual assault is no big deal people who hate women with opinions people who hate new ideas people who can't handle differences of opinion or even just people who think I'm an idiot because they Have the experience to know better and so who's left? Sociopaths who don't listen to what I'm saying regardless of what it is because to them I'm just Barbie with shorter legs, but then also people who appreciate either my sentiment or my motivations you whittle it down You're still here. So which group are you the Too polite to leave until the seven minutes are up even though staying when you don't like the person isn't really polite group Right them too.
What do you like to do? Oh, I like traveling and food festivals and live music but not country and I like drinks with friends and taking photos like I kind of want to be a photographer maybe and I also like staying in staying in and just chilling sometimes but like whatever works again Oh me too. We have so much in common. Eh, what do I like to do?
I don't know watch YouTube videos about Russian prisons or people who died doing BDSM and then either half-heartedly masturbate or read shitty 80's sci-fi paperbacks or both at once until one becomes more engrossing than the other but either way kills three hours You don't want to finish too fast. It's supposed to be about the journey right yourself Cooking yeah, I just eat hot dogs and shit I figure the time you saved by not cooking will roughly equal the extras you'd live if you spent that time preparing actually healthy meals So it's a zero-sum game or I just don't give a shit because I'm vain as fuck and when I'm old and ugly I won't want to live anyway. I forget which Next you're trying what now just being like really specific instead of general I guess you know when you see a couple and you ask him Oh, what do you like about her and he's like well she's so beautiful instead of naming an actual personality trait and then eventually there's someone's miserable grandparents like The opposite of that I guess radical honesty Maybe I'm weird and alone and I figured I'd try and be upfront about basically everything and hopefully find someone who likes those differences Kind of thing. So I'm guessing that's why the first thing you said was yeah, that's why I'm leading off with hi My name is Jeremy and I'm a virgin. I'm completely sex-positive though I mean, I've never been in space, but I'm definitely pro astronaut But that's like so risky.
Yeah. Well, I mean you're obviously horrified But for someone who wasn't these seven minutes would be flying past instead of not I don't know. It's like I can date someone and wish they were a certain way or I can just say hi I'm looking for someone who thinks that two people reading quietly counts as doing something together And then maybe actually find someone who thinks that you only need to be attractive to one person, right? Yeah Totally. How's it going? Good yourself That seems risky. Don't you think you're giving people too big of a hurdle? Oh, I know you can go best foot forward to get yourself in the door after which it's easier to have your quirks overlooked Once they emerge or you can do the opposite where in bait and switch is impossible But then you're faced with the possible condition that you have insufficient bait to catch anyone I guess i'm just theorizing that whatever idiosyncrasy sits alone in one's Pandora's box is enough to attract someone fundamentally compatible Plus the longer they're inside the door the harder it is to break up with them Even if they're entirely wrong for you, right? Well, exactly see you get it. God. I wish I was gay I know me too All right. I should get back in there. Nice meeting you actually godspeed So tell me about yourself You know what it's like this i'm super nice But I can be unavailable for weeks at a time to do anxiety and depression So whoever I end up with has to believe that the good times make the bad times worth it I'm just gonna lead off with that Okay, then No, you know what seriously? Uh, thanks for being so upfront. That's really cool actually Thanks.
You just have to forget about the awkwardness of failing the system objectively doesn't work. So you change the system Oh god, you're one of them Do I even dare ask who you think should pay on the first date? The restaurant should pay because they principally make money off alcohol So promotion where you let first haters eat for free would be a fun way to get business and publicity while also helping out A bunch of nervous young people who have enough to worry about and who are probably broke anyway That is Actually, not bad What's on your mind?
I'm really sick of feeling like a weirdo outsider when I don't deserve to It's the assholes who should feel like they don't matter. It's the racist pieces of shit who don't belong They're the ones who should feel like society isn't for them. They're the ones who should be wallowing in self-doubt and alienation I'm sick of good people feeling bad and bad people feeling good.
That's what's on my mind Fuck good answer radical honesty Fine, uh, I secretly want to find someone who's into watching bull fighting as much as I am See and now you're horrified Yeah, but if I wasn't horrified to the core of my being right now This would be a huge moment for you, right focus on that. You know what? Fuck it I like two things the beach and pegging I like two things the beach and pegging I like two things the beach and pegging I like two things the beach and pegging. Oh my god, really?
But even if honesty doesn't work, it's about the journey, you know You put yourself out there in a risky way and yeah, you get a predictable amount of stares But you also learn a lot about yourself just saying stuff out loud and hearing how it sounds and realizing that you agree with yourself You weren't just thinking it and it's nice. I mean we're constantly being told that if it's not success on its failure But that's bullshit Maybe the entire focus of dating should be to get a greater sense of self-acceptance And then maybe that'll make you attractive to the kind of person who finds that attractive the kind of person who's like smart and sexually confident And who thinks two people reading in the same room at the same time counts as doing something together And you talk in a similar way and you kind of feel like you're from the same from the same time and place But it's like even if you do every damn thing to put yourself out there, you still might never meet them Just due to luck. There's only so much you can control So hopefully you can at least get something out of the search, you know Yeah, no, that's cool. Actually if I can be honest, I don't really feel the right chemistry here But if i'm willing to tell you that then at least hopefully that means you'll believe me when I also say I really respect Your honesty and what you're saying and I genuinely wish you all the best in your search.
Thanks And yeah, you too. Godspeed. I hope you find what you're looking for. I mean, that's why we're all here, right? |
TheOnion | Internet_Scam_Alert_Most_Kickstarter_Projects_Just_Useless_Crap | Cyber alert. An insidious new internet scam called Kickstarter has already conned thousands of unsuspecting victims into donating money to so-called important personal projects that are in actuality just terrible useless garbage. Here's how it works. A perpetrator sends out an email leading victims to a Kickstarter page for an impractical, unnecessary or annoying project like a hand-knit scarf store or an all-gay and lesbian improv festival where they use a battery of psychological methods to extract a pledge. According to cybercrime expert James Conroy, a common tactic is to guilt victims into helping the scammer, quote, achieve a lifelong dream. The perpetrator of this literary magazine raised twelve thousand dollars to print this, but then a year later when it finally came out, it contained nothing but embarrassingly bad poems about skeletons and menstruation. Scammers also lure victims with promises of gifts, but shockingly, the gifts are usually just the shoddy results of the project.
If you give four hundred dollars on this particular Kickstarter, you get four copies of this Denspiration DVD. That comes out to a hundred dollars a DVD, I mean, and why would you need four of them?
Unfortunately, Conroy says no one is safe. Kickstarter scam artists will target anyone, spamming the inboxes of distant relatives, co-workers they barely know, and old classmates they haven't spoken to in years. It's basically a confidence game. I mean, these people on Kickstarter are no better than panhandlers, yet they manage to maintain an air of self-importance by presenting themselves as artists and entrepreneurs. They're not as bad as child molesters, but they're close. Luckily, police have started to make arrests.
Eighteen-year-old Seth Larquette, a New Jersey resident, was taken into police custody yesterday after bilking friends and family out of fifteen thousand dollars to record an album with his reggae fusion band, Dr. Sourface. Do you feel any remorse over tricking people who trusted you for some album you knew would be awful? Well, studio space is pretty expensive. Still trying to run your racket. Well, at least Dr. Sourface's next victim won't be you.
For Tech Trends, this has been Scott McKay. Make sure to catch tomorrow's Tech Trends when we'll take a look at the Nexus, Google's new tablet computer that cheap dads are already raving about. It looks just like an iPad from the outside.
I mean, I can't tell the difference. And it costs $300 less. Do you know what you can buy for $300? |
dropout | might_as_well_face_it_you_re_addicted_to_likes | Doved alone, swiping off your iPhone 4 You post a status, you're feeling numb Until you see that little thumb A mound of lights Isn't that great, maybe it was Posted too late, then come the lights They start to stack, if you're a junkie This is your crack Whoa, you post a pic of yourself, and it's a little white Posting images of something, Gandhi said That's right, you're gonna have to face it You're addicted to lies, such a cheat But how'd it feel, validation that's barely real Another like, feel like a king Oh wait, that dude likes everything It don't mean a thing, two likes at most Embarrassing You delete that post, you bend a heart You feel no shame, but don't feel bad We're all too plain Whoa, like this if you love to taste a cookie Do a fro-yo First ever snow, you know you're gonna have to face it You're addicted to lies, just got my dreams out You're addicted to likes, which glasses fit me You're addicted to likes, playing Facebook and Twitter Getting double the likes, a carob on the fridge You're addicted to likes, might as well face it You're addicted to likes I made a post, the lights were bleak No one would know, we post next week Maybe I use this as a crutch Because I'm not like very much When did we all become those singing jerks?
Alright, when I come to think of it We always were, you know If you like this video, please like, rate and subscribe Do you like my haircut?
You're addicted to likes You're gonna start a juice claim You're addicted to likes Might as well face it You're addicted to likes |
cracked | 4_reasons_you_re_going_to_hate_the_new_mike_myers_movie | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Although last week's show on Kid Rock was our most successful, some viewers complained that I was getting too worked up over a silly video clip. So this week I'm kicking back with the trailer to The Love Guru, the new Mike Myers movie. I mean, that should be good, right? I like Austin Powers and Wayne's World. I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka. See?
He's dressed funny. Forget Cat in the Hat. Mike Myers is back in control. He can do something funny and new.
Well, he's done that before. But it's not like he's stealing from himself. I mean, that's a really old sight gag. It's been done a lot of times.
So Vern Troyer is in the movie again. Do you want Mike Myers to discriminate against little people? Maybe he just wants to give Vern a legitimate acting job with some dignity.
Okay, well the point is, he's not mini me. This is totally different. Fine. But I'm not gonna get angry about it. I mean, it's totally understandable. If the press called you a genius and likened you to Peter Sellers just ten years ago, wouldn't you keep torturing dwarves? Oh, don't mind me. I'm just enjoying this calming aromatherapy candle and chamomile tea. No, it's got nothing to do with the clip. What's upsetting about that? Oh, stop. He's not rehashing old material.
I'm sure it's meant to be an homage. To... himself. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your gnome. You are a midget.
Come on! Really? Yes, nice to mole you. Meet you, mole.
It's one thing to attack me. It's quite another to attack my mini-me. That's hate by numbers.
That's all. For now. |
dropout | Adam_and_Eve_Broach_an_Open_Relationship_Make_Some_Noise_Full_Episode | Tonight, one of those lizards that can run across water, it's Zach Ho-Yama! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Confidently going to the wrong podium, it's Jacob Wysocki! Hey, man, just going to my normal spot. And trying to explain to a stranger that they have the wrong podium, it's Vic McAlice!
What's up, man? Hey, how you doing? Hey. Hi, how are you? Hey.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! They're all here to make some noise! Welcome to Make Some Noise, the game's so good, we spun it off unchanged. I am your host, Sam Reich. Here's how the show works. I have here a series of improvisational props our players have never seen before. Isn't that right, players? Yeah. When you run like a lizard, you're using muscles you're not normally using. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
They will, to the best of their ability, fulfill those props. I will award them corresponding points and the winner will go home with a coveted golden ear, which may look fine, but the stench is simply unbearable. Players, are you ready to rumble? Yes. I'm ready. Let's get ready to rumble. To make some noise.
Oh, man. Wait, first up, a little moose boosh, if you will. I still don't know what a moose boosh is. It amuses your boosh. Now I get it. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Firstly, Mr. Oyama. Hi. An election reporter without any touchscreen finesse.
Okay, guys, these are early results. As you know, we're gonna get some of these more, the bluer areas are gonna come in later because they're processing those votes as they happen and it's larger percentage of people in this county. This is DeKalb County and it's, as you can see, this is absolutely where we have to pay attention. Don't be surprised when this, when this, when this area completely flips, okay? Because it is known to do a lot of Republican voting at top and then a lot more mail-in ballots are gonna, are gonna come in over here.
I'll cut you off there, Zach. Really channeling CNN. Stressful.
Yeah. A pinch to zoom and that appoints for you. Okay. Jake. Hi. Happy to be here. Let me just say. Yeah. I'm happy to be here.
An evil laugh turned asthma attack. That's right, no one will live.
I gotta run a steam shower. I got the mucus in my bronchial tubes.
Got my guy. Hee, hee, hee, hee. Jake, I don't know about this guy living, let alone everybody else. Yeah. Let's say a 160 over 4.5 amount of points for you. That's a little asthma inhaler joke for my fellow asthma sufferers out there. Dick. Yeah.
You always look so worried. Because I am.
A high off for every Tae Kwon Do belt. So you start off with your white belt here and as a white belt, you're new.
You don't know anybody, right? You're alone in the world.
Hi-yah. At least we got our yellow belt. You know a couple more people, right? Yeah, for sure. You're getting a little more friendly, a little more friends, but you're still sort of, you're in the system. Hi-yah. Next, we're going on to orange belt. Okay, you've been there three months, six months, nine months now. You're feeling a little bit of unbridled confidence. Maybe you started sparring in classes. Hi-yah. Yeah, we're getting a little more excited. Then we get to green.
You entered your first tournament, you lost. You're dejected, you're defeated. Hi-yah.
We're back down. We're back down, we regressed.
Then we get to light blue. Light blue, you know, we're in the middle. Can I help you? Well, you're getting close in a way that I think I might get hi-yah'd. Light blue, you've been doing this for a couple of years now. We're mixing it up, we're getting confident.
So maybe it's not a hi-yah anymore. It's a ki-yah, you know? We're not worried about following the rules anymore.
We get to a dark blue belt. Hi-yah, more confident in the gut. Brown, the mountain belt. Maybe you're teaching some classes. The little ninjas is what they call them, the preschoolers. Hi-yah, you're getting in their face. Okay, so we get to red belt. You're getting close to graduating into that black belt face. Maybe you don't care. Then you go to deputy belt. You are so close to black belt, but you have to be there for a year.
Are you gonna make it or are you not? You gotta take a test. Am I gonna pass the test? I don't know, but you're gonna give it everything you got.
So that's gonna be a good old-fashioned hi-yah. Should I do the kick? Do it.
I won't, because you're withholding because you're not a black belt yet. Wow, thick. Yeah, I mean, I took karate, as you know, and not taekwondo.
So I'll go with what I know and say a pinon won amount of points for you. That was one point that I got for Matt, just to clarify. Zachary. Okay.
Runner up in the 2023 Air Guitar Championships. Wow, second place.
Are we sure? Ooh, ooh. What is happening? Are you sure?
Oh, shit. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh.
But congrats to Craig. Silver medal amount of points for you, Zach. Which brings us right to Jake. It's about that time. Winner of the 2023 Air Guitar Championships.
What's up, fuckers? What's up, I'm Craig.
Wait. Yeah, I mean, sorry, Zach.
I think we got to say a gold medal amount of points for Jake. I would agree.
Vic. A person in line for the buffet feels the need to make a little comment about every dish. Salad.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, mac and cheese. My mom. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh my God, jello. Who puts jello on buffets anymore?
It's like there's no kids here. It's not a kid's buffet. Peanuts, peanuts, peanuts, peanuts, peanuts.
Wow. I feel like you sort of turned it around on them at the end there, Vic, for something they look like the assholes. Yeah, well, they're crazy.
I mean, it's one thing if they're strangers, but if they're at the conference with you, then... Yeah, we work in the same office.
Damn. 12 years. Fuck. What's my middle name? Nobody knows. Wow. Yeah, it's tough.
Unlimited crab leg math points for you. Okay, I'll take it. Zach. Marvel announces that phase five is all Raisin Man. What's up, Comic-Con? It's me, Kevin! Give it up!
We have some big projects coming your way. Thanos was one of the biggest villains our world has ever seen. And then we followed it up with an even bigger villain, that guy that's kind of a...
King! King, yeah. You got it? Ha ha ha ha!
We've heard of Spider-Man. We've heard of the X-Men.
But what about Raisin Man? Who? Raisin Man!
Which comic is he in? Well, he's not in the comic, because we don't have to do that if we... I'm in charge.
Listen, it's my greatest honor to bring you these pictures. And... Hey, Kevin. Most everybody cleared out. Ha ha ha ha! Whoo! I would like to see all of it.
They crushed the house, man. A... amount of points for you. Whoa. Unfortunately, half of your points just disappeared.
Jake. Hi. A Top Chef contestant shows off his disastrous dish to the judges. Good evening, chefs.
I'm very excite... I'm very... I'm excited and I'm nervous to show you my dish.
It is, unfortunately, my right hand. Ha ha ha ha! It's caramelized in a chicken reduction where I use a bit of broth and I heated the flesh of my hand with that broth so it sort of just crinkled up like cracklins. I wanted to make a nice chili verde omelet for you guys, but as I was cutting the pork, I had a bit of a whoopsie. And I thought, this is a moment for me to improvise. So, munch on my hand, finger each. Now, you're gonna taste something in the back and you're gonna go, what's that? And unfortunately, it is my foot. Ha ha ha ha!
A silent tube slide. Ha ha ha ha ha! The pitter patter of fries leaving the cone into the basket. A mother shouting at her two children to quiet down. These are the sounds of the recita McDonald's on 4th and 19th Street.
Hi, my name is Sarah Canofkoch and I'm here to bring you an interesting mystery. One that maybe you know well and one maybe you don't know at all. The hat, the shoes, the misunderstood face. His name is the Hamburglar. Ha ha ha ha! It's really hard to say.
Yeah, I think I gotta say I'm loving it.
And that would equate to like three points. Let's say two golden arches. Okay, two points.
I'll then ask them a series of questions. They will give me their answers based on what they think they heard. My favorite answer takes the point.
Go ahead and put your headphones on. Wow. Question one. What would you say is your biggest fear? It sounds like I'm in a Planetarium concert right now.
That point is going to Vic. Vic, me? Question two. Does anything unusual turn you on? If I'm running, like, a slow run, I would say a pace of, like, nine minute, 30 seconds for about four or five miles. Jake. 14, 19, and 23. Vic, what about you? A monopoly if I'm looking to have a bad time. Ha ha ha ha! The next one is going to Jake. Question three.
What do you want written on your gravestone? Zach. I'm more of a lake guy than I don't really go to the beach. Jake, what about you? What do you want written on your gravestone?
A big ol' Harley Davidson. Pfft! That tracks. Vic, you're a gravestone. My sister, but I don't think we could spend that much time together. Ha ha ha ha!
That's going to be Jake. Okay. Last question. If you could go back and meet your 10-year-old self, what would you say? Well, we would go to, like, the Gulf Shores area of Alabama, which is, like, the Panhandle next to Florida. Jake.
I think to overcome fear, you have to put yourself in front of it, maybe not, like, the big version of it. And so you work up to it.
And Vic, what about you? I may never ride in the cavalry, I'll march in the infantry, shoot the artillery, I may never dah nah nah nah nah, but I'm in the Lord's Army, yes, sir! I think we're going to say that one goes to Vic as well.
And that is a mini-game. Welcome back to round two, where our players will now test their talents in teams of two.
Zach. Yes. Jake. Yes.
Woodshop kids weirdly competitive about their spoons. Hey, did you finish your spoon? Let's just say someone's getting an A in this class.
How many hours did you put in? I was coming in on Saturdays, two hours a day.
Oh, just one of the weekends? Just one of the days of the week? I said a couple of Saturdays. But you weren't hitting Sundays? No, I wasn't hitting Sundays, because I was going to church.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. God understood that I had an assignment, so he, like, let me put it on hold or whatever. Because God actually thought that a true carpenter would go to church. It's just crazy.
I was, like, woken up in a cold sweat, and there was, like, just sort of, like, this, like, ball of wings with eyes on it. And it was like, I'm what an angel really looks like, and you're meant to be a spoon man. No, I know who that is, because they actually, they stopped by me.
Oh, when? What time? When? 2.15 on last Thursday. Monday for me. Really? Yeah. The Monday before that? Yeah, yeah.
What they told me was, like, you are meant to lead carpenters. And so I feel like, I don't know, I feel like that's why this one came up so well.
More specific, just like a spoon man, but yeah. Yeah, yours is a little broad. Can I see it? Yeah, this is what it looks like. As you can see, it has, like, a nice linseed oil finish on it. You don't mind if I show you? Yeah, absolutely. You can show me your spoon.
What am I going to do? I don't know.
Bow to me.
Who's the spoon man? You are the spoon man. Who's the spoon man? You are the spoon man. Spoon man, cut. It's a big spoon.
I can't compete. Unbelievable.
An extra credit amount of points for the two of you. Jake and Vic.
Yes. Adam and Eve broach an open relationship. Oh, that was a great swim. Yes.
The river was really nice today. Yeah, I mean, it's a beautiful temperature. Oh, it's so perfect. It's always so good. So nice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got some food. I got an apple. Come on. No, I was just wondering if you wanted an apple. No, I'm good, please.
Please don't eat that. Why wouldn't I eat the apple?
You know the fucking deal. Snake gave it to me, okay? Yeah, Snake gave me the apple. Hang out with the snake again. Are you serious right now? It's just odd. You spent a lot of time with the snake. Yeah, well, the snake likes my ideas.
Don't stop. I love your ideas. No, you don't.
I said, let's go for a walk. You said, again? There's fucking three things to do here. Fuck, go in the river, and go for a walk. Well, you don't seem to want to fuck me anymore, so I'm saying, let's go for a walk.
Whoa. Look, you know that I'm, like, trying to heal some trauma right now, so I'm shutting off my Kundalini, all right? If you- Okay, I'm sorry that I'm made from the river. My Kundalini is sharp. I'm sorry, okay? I know you're trying to heal from the trauma. I apologize.
If you need to get fucked, maybe we can just, maybe we can broaden this out if it's about you getting hammered. Great, that would rock, actually. Thank you. Let's set some ground rules. Well, I think we should maybe put people on our list. Okay.
So, who's on your list? Who's on your list, Adam? Don't. No, who's on your list, Adam?
I've been fucking the snake. What is the fuck are you talking about? I will get you off there. There was a piece of that that was so fucking grounded before it went off the rails.
God, I mean, the acting. The acting that happens here on stage.
Honestly, I really like that game, and I think I'm going to say a biblical amount of points to the two of you, and that's going to be tough to compete with. Okay. Vic. Yes. And Zach.
Professional models, couples posing tutorial. When you're presenting yourself as a couple and selling things that involve two people rather than one, there's a bunch of go-to moves. Number one, just check in with each other, look in each other's eyes, and then you're just going to want to sort of slouch, is sort of the first thing.
So, you're sort of in, and then you melt together like an ice cream cone, right? And there's multiple ways to melt. So, as you see, sort of like the back melt. You can sort of go into the front melt, right?
Selling watches, selling hats, selling earrings. I think why this is so important is because you can use this across the board. Any ad campaign at all.
One, two, three. And I will cut you off there, the two of you. I mean, if you got it, flaunt it. I'm out of points for the both of you. Zach and Jake.
This Airbnb owner sure is hanging out for a while. Yeah, man, so, you know, coffee. There's a couple of snacks in the freezer.
Go for it. Oh, thank you. Go for it. Hey, treat this place like it's your place. I appreciate it.
So, I'm just here for the weekend. I think it'll be pretty easy breezy. Yeah, where do you want me to put your bags? I got it, I think. No, no, no. I'm right here. Yeah, so I'm, you know, I'm a little jet-lagged, so I think I'm probably just gonna take a little rest. Okay, cool, yeah, yeah, go ahead and get settled in. Do you want me to tuck you in? I'm okay.
I'm just gonna wash up and you go ahead and... You're washing up? I'm just gonna wash up.
I thought I had it from 12. Oh, yeah, check-ins, 12. Check-ins, 12, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And just to be clear, there's that little shack over there. I don't know if that's part of this. Is there a shack over there? Oh, yeah, that is a shack.
That's odd, crazy. You don't know that there's a...
You get ready for bed, I'll wash up. Are you gonna stay in that little shack over there? No, I'm just gonna wash up and I'm gonna get out of your hair. And you won't hear from me, you won't see from me, unless you need me. In that case, you can hit this button and it'll page a buzzer in the shack.
I mean... What are you doing? Look, I'm sorry if I'm...
I thought you were tired, man. You're asking a lot of questions for a tired guy.
Who's in the shack?
Sometimes you shouldn't ask questions. You already know the answer to it. I will cut you off there. I really like the guilt trip at the end of that.
The door code is 1357 amount of points for the both of you. 1357, 1357. Jake and Vic. Yes.
Sorry, I work right around the corner. I keep seeing this store.
Oh, you've never been here? No, no, but...
This is Mr. Mayonnaise's mansion. The best sandwiches this side of where we are. Okay.
Well, I work a corporate right next door. Not corporate here, corporate. Oh, the corporate? Yeah, Adidas corporate. Big bucks over here. Okay, I'm sure you'll be getting extra meat, Mrs. Corporate.
Okay. Yeah, yeah, actually, I'll do the double ham. Can I send the lettuce for spinach? Oh, of course, of course, yes. Okay, great. And then I think I'm gonna do mustard for sure. Oh, right. And I'll do the vinegar and the olive oil. And I think that's... Are you sure? It's good sauce. Sauce-wise, it's fun. Are you sure that's it? I'll get the mayo and... That a girl, that's my girl, come on! Oh, you know what? Actually, take the spinach off, that's fine. And you can just do the lettuce and then the mayo off. And then I think that's good. That last part? Yep.
Is that a gun? Hey, listen, hey, no, it's locked. That's not gonna work in here. I'm gonna cut this off there! What an incredible choice. You trying to be sneaky, trying to get in and get it out?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not on Mr. Mayo's watch. Mr. Mayonnaise is packing, yeah, egg and cheese with S&P, a bit of points for the both of you. There. Yes. And Zach. Okay. Very last prompt of round two, and a bit of a sequel prompt. Maybe it was a bad idea to break up on a roller coaster. Xs. Whoa, okay. Three, two, one, go!
Who's Sandra? What? Who's Sandra?
Uh, I just, she's a friend. Oh, really, what kind of friend? She's just someone who like, I just think is cool. Oh yeah? Oh yeah, well you know who I think is cool?
I mean, what are we even doing right now, right? This doesn't feel healthy to me. Oh, this doesn't feel healthy to you?
Whoa!
Do you even want to be here? We came with your family, I enjoy it. That's not what I asked, I asked you want to be here. No, okay? I don't want to be here. Then fucking leave!
Oh no, why is it doing this? Oh no. Seems like our engines have failed. What are we going to do? I'm just thinking maybe we need to take a little bit of a break. We fueled up, three, two, one, go!
And cut! Love that, the two of you can always count on you to give me a healthy amount of backstory. What was the first one? Massage chairs. Ah, yes.
Yeah, a double loop amount of points for the both of you. Loop to loop. That brings us to our second minigame. The minigame in question alternate universe.
The category is Santa. How this is going to work, players. I am going to start you off with three alternate universe Santas to perform, and then after I do, you're going to buzz in and pitch me on your own. Does that make sense? Zach, three elves in a trench coat Santa.
Ho, ho, ho, happy Christmas to everyone. As you know, I've been absolutely swamped up here. I almost didn't unionize and crush Santa or anything like that. Power to the people. Next up, Jake, QAnon Santa. Ho, ho, ho. Hello, children.
You're fucking being lied to. Okay. Every single one of you beautiful minds are being wrought by the liberal agenda.
And that'll do it, Jake. Last but not least, Vic. Ate too many edibles, paranoid, and keeping it together, Santa. Don't know about that one, man. Ho, ho, ho, um, presents. Um, okay. Is there any cookies? And I'll cut you off there, Vic. Now, players, if you would be so kind as to pitch me any Santa. Location confirmed. Sending supplies. Again, that is just the buzzer. Oh, my God, Jake. WWE Santa?
Love it. All right, brother, I'm gonna come in there and I'm gonna take your presents. I'm coming down your chimney and I'm gonna create some havoc in the home, brother. That rattled my fucking rib cage. I liked it. Vic. Waiting for deadbeat dad, Santa? Love it.
Yeah, don't worry, I'll be back in the workshop in a second. My dad's taking me fishing this weekend, and then I will go ahead and I will be back in the workshop with the elves on Monday Sharp, but he's coming and it's gonna be pretty exciting. I'll bring back fish for everybody.
Oh, no. Sun. No, it's fine. Moon. Okay, oh, sorry.
Thought I'd met my dad. Okay, it's Monday. I will cut you off there, Vic.
Heart wrenching. So sad.
Zach, Santa, that's just actually a hog that got loose. Ho, ho. Reee! Oh, gosh, gosh.
My daughter just wants to sit on your lap. We just want to sit on your, okay, tell them what you want. Tell them what you want. This is the only way to get the presents. Yes, tell them what you want.
We're gonna take the picture and it's good memories. I want joy for my family for Christmas.
It's up here. Oh, I will cut you off there, Zach. That is a remarkably good hog impression. I know. Location confirmed. Sending supplies. Jake.
European Santa, but he doesn't want anybody to know that he's European. He wants to seem American.
I love it. Ho, ho, ho, man. So many cool hot dogs tonight.
Hey, it's good to have you around, Santa. Oh, I got you a little presents. Oh, yeah, you've been good, man. A good man, my boy. Thank you.
And here you go. It's Stroopwafel. Totally old school. So retrospective.
I will cut you off there. The accent, that's the non-accent. Vic. Santa who's trying to tell someone they're at the wrong podium.
All right, so I'm going to divvy up the Western Hemisphere. And then, I do think you can handle the Southern Hemisphere, and you can maybe- Wow, giving me the Southern Hemisphere. That's a big important job. It is a big important job, but I'm just saying, we all know why you want to go to the Northern Hemisphere.
Why? Because it's closer to your house.
You want to do the Northern? If you want to do the Northern- Yeah, I want to do the Northern. No, I was offering it, I was offering it to this- No, I want to do the Northern. I want to do it. Do you want to do it? Yes, I want to do it. No, not you. Well, then why don't I get to choose? Why don't you just let the person who wants to do the Northern do it? Well, I want to do it, so that means that I would do it, right?
["The Star-Spangled Banner"] That brings us to round three, where our players will now hold hands and jump into the abyss together. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
Zach. Yeah. Jake. Vic. Me.
The part of the Oscars where they show a clip from each movie and then cut to that actor. Cinema, it makes us think, it makes us feel, it makes us love. This year, we have 12 amazing actors.
Get on the bike. Get on the bike and ride.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. No. Incredible, incredible.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
No. Wow. Now, that is just something special.
Next, we have Jon Hamm in Pretty Little Liars. Get hot and lie. Get hot, attractive, and lie.
No. And I'll cut you off there.
Wow, Jon Hamm getting some real action this year. He got slapped like 5,000 times. And I'd like to thank the Academy amount of points.
Next up, one of those very disturbing children's YouTube videos.
Hey, I'm the Mucinex guy. Are you kids looking to have some fun? Me and my brother? Yeah. I'm also Batman. What do we have here?
Julie.
Yeah. Do you guys like building sandcastles? I love it. Well, come with me to my sandcastle. Okay.
Now, you're just going to take the sand and you're just going to build it up. Build it up.
Oh, no, I dropped my pen. You keep building the sandcastle. Thanks, Julie.
Oops. I'm so clumsy. Oops.
Batman. Yes. Why did you choose to have nipples on your suit? I just like the feel of them. Nice. Thank you.
Tell me a little bit about your sandcastle. My sandcastle is a tower. My sandcastle is also a tower. My sandcastle did 9-11.
Oi! Okay, up there. That actually was a pretty faithful parody. So bravo, a 148 million views. Savannah points for the win. Last prompt of our game. Can you believe it?
Dang. Dang it. Dang. Dang it.
An alternate universe where the only difference is that the word for money is poo-poo pee-pee.
All right, everybody, welcome to the auction. We're going to go ahead and auction off this nice, beautiful cow. Beautiful cow, beautiful cow. Beautiful cow, we're going to go ahead and start the bidding at 700, poo-poo, pee-pee.
This is a beautiful cow.
20,000, poo-poo, pee-pee, poo-poo, pee-pee. Hey, we got to get a 21 hundred. Who's got the biggest? One million. One million, poo-poo, pee-pee.
Do I hear 151515? He's on the phone. He's going to get on the phone. He's got enough poo-poo, pee-pee to raise his head.
Again, we got one, two, one, two. That's three. One, two, three, four, one, two, one, two, three. One, two, five, one, two, five, one, two, five, one, one, two, pee-pee.
He's got enough, no, pee-pee. He's got no, poo-poo, poo-poo. He's got enough, poo-poo, poo-poo. One, two, one, two. He's got enough, poo-poo, poo-poo, poo-poo. He's got enough.
He's going to get a two. We're right here. 119, 119, one, go once, twice. Solve for 1.7, poo-poo, pee-pee.
The beautiful cow is yours. Wow, Jake. I believe that's what we call heavy lifting. Jesus Christ. Well, the paddles were pretty, you know, they were weighted. Oh my God, way to fall on that sword.
Blacked out. Was it funny? Sometimes you just throw yourself into that tunnel and you're like, I'm here until the end of it, wherever it goes. A poo-poo, pee-pee a man of points. That brings us to the end of our show. Our winner this evening, Jacob Wysocki.
You are the recipients of the coveted Golden Ear and join the two winners club. Wow, I can hear it from both sides. Yeah, and you got two ears. That does it for us here at Make Some Noise. Tune in next time for more of The Game Samer.
I'm Sam Reich and that sounds pretty good to me. Good night. Jake, Vic. Me.
The part of the Oscars where they show a clip from each movie and then cut to that actor. Cinema, it makes us think, it makes us feel, it makes us love. This year, we have 12 amazing actors.
Wow. First up, Jon Hamm in The Syllable. Speak, stop stuttering and speak. Say a word. No. Wow. Next, we have Jon Hamm in Ride or Die.
Get on the bike. Get on the bike and ride.
No. Incredible.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
No. Wow. Now that is just something special.
Next, we have Jon Hamm in Pretty Little Liars. Get hot and lie. Get hot, attractive, and lie.
No. And I'll cut you off there.
Wow, Jon Hamm getting some real action this year. He got slapped like 5,000 times. And I'd like to thank the Academy amount of points.
Next up, one of those very disturbing children's YouTube videos.
Hey, I'm the Mucinex guy. Are you kids looking to have some fun? Me and my brother? Yeah. I'm also Batman. What do we have here?
Julie.
Yeah. Do you guys like building sandcastles? I love it. Well, come with me to my sandcastle. Okay.
Now, you're just gonna take the sand and you're just gonna build it up. Build it up? Build it up.
Oh, no, I dropped my pen. You keep building the sandcastle. Thanks, Julie.
Oops. I'm so clumsy. Oops.
Batman. Yes. Why did you choose to have nipples on your suit? Oh, I just like the feel of them. Nice. Thank you.
Tell me a little bit about your sandcastle. My sandcastle is a tower. My sandcastle is also a tower. My sandcastle did 9-11.
Oh, you. Okay, up there. That actually was a pretty faithful parody. So bravo. A 148 million views amount of points for the winner. Last prompt of our game. Can you believe it?
Dang. Dang it. Dang. Dang it.
An alternate universe where the only difference is that the word for money is poo-poo pee-pee.
900. That's 800. 800 extra. 900. 800.
This is 16,000. 16,000. Poo-poo pee-pee.
This is a beautiful cow.
20,000.
Poo-poo pee-pee.
Hey, we got a 21 hundred. One million.
Poo-poo pee-pee. He's got enough poopoo pee-pee to raise his hand.
We got one, two, one, two. Can I get a 1 and a 3? Can I get a 1 and a 3? 1 and 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5. 1 and 5, 1 and 5, 1 and 5, 1 and 5.
We got no PPEs. She got no PPEs.
Poo-poo pee-pee. The beautiful cow is yours. Wow, Jake, I believe that's what we call heavy lifting. Jesus Christ. Well, the paddles were pretty, they were weighted. Oh my God, way to fall on that sword. Blacked out, was it funny? Sometimes you just throw yourself into that tunnel and you're like, I'm here until the end of it, wherever it goes. A poo-poo, pee-pee amount of points.
That brings us to the end of our show. Our winner this evening, Jacob Wysocki. You are the recipients of the coveted golden ear and join the two winners club. Wow. You can hear it from both sides. Yeah, and you got two ears. That does it for us here at Make Some Noise. Tune in next time for more of the Game Samer. I'm Sam Reich and that sounds pretty good to me. Good night. |
cracked | why_you_should_think_twice_before_sending_a_dick_pic | Hey man, I need the half of your cable. What the hell? Fucking knock, man! Are you taking a picture of your flaccid dick in your sweatpants? That's my personal business! Why? What are you thinking?
I mean, it's completely in shadow. You're hiding inside of your sweats.
You're doing you and your dick no favors here. Use a picture from your dick pic album like everybody else. You have a dick pic album? Uh, yeah. Every guy that sends a dick pic has a dick pic album. It's not like every time you want to send a dick pic you have time to make your dick hard and stumble into good lighting with an attractive background. You gotta be ready to send pictures of your penis at a moment's notice.
I guess I never thought about that. That's my first time sending one.
Oh boy. Alright, has she already seen your penis IRL? No. Great. Then we don't have to use hashtag no filter.
What's the thesis of your dick pic? Excuse me? The thesis. The overall voice of your piece. What message are you trying to convey with your penis? I just wanted to see my dick.
Amateur. That's amateur.
Alright, I'll give you some pointers.
This is my dick pic album. I don't want to see your dick. I don't want to see your dick either, man. Neither will she if you don't make this the best dick picture possible. So here's your standard hashtag no filter dick. You do this when she's absolutely seeing your penis in full blown lighting. There's no filter so you can't change the appearance of your dick. A lot of dudes are super into hashtag no filter.
Oh wow, that's pretty brave. This is weird. Okay. Well, if you want to go for a more gentle pose. This is the shy boy and that's penis underneath the boxers with a lighter filter like gingham really fills in the light, adds a softness to the dick. Not scary. Just saying, hello, would you like to notice my penis? This looks actually good. Right?
Now if you want to go for a more dramatic pose, may I recommend the art house peeing. First, get super hard. Then take a picture of your dick from a Canon angle. Okay, that's your dick saying, look at me, I'm strong, thoughtful. Then there's the retro dick. Don't groom for a month. Then take a picture of your dick next to something from the 70s. Like a can of spam and then add a nice stylistic 70s filter to it. Or if you want to get nuts, there's the space dick. Yeah, that's where you Photoshop a picture of the solar system into the background. And then take your dick like a bluish purple hue.
I mean, this one's a bit, bit much. The thing is you want to find the right filter for your penis. It really varies from dick to dick. You know, I never knew how much went into taking a dick pic.
I mean, you want someone else to see it, right? Oh no. Oh no, what if my dick gets lost in the crowd? What if she doesn't even want the picture?
Yeah, okay. Now, if you can get three point lighting, that's gonna be really- I'm serious.
What if she doesn't want to see my dick? Why wouldn't a girl want to see a picture of your dick?
You're right, man. I love my dick so much. I love it so, so much. Yeah, of course you do. My dick is so mean. I love it so, so much. It's like a work of art. I'm sad, I look at it, it makes me happy. Okay, let me see that dick pic that you took. Ooh, that's a beaut.
I know exactly what filter to use.
What?
Kawaii photo booth filter.
Yeah. Thank you for watching, if you liked this, share it with your friends, if you hated share it with your enemies. If you subscribe to us on YouTube, you'll get all these videos more conveniently for free. Thanks for sticking around. |
ClickHole | all_religions_are_beautiful | In a world full of chaos, my faith helps me find order and clarity. My religion teaches me discipline and self-reflection. I consider my faith essential to living a fulfilling life. The picture of a horse created the universe. I am so grateful to the picture of a horse for all the blessings of my life. When I practice Islam, I do not commune with God alone. I also commune with the generations of Muslims who have come before me. Islam is how I connect to my past and understand who I truly am. The picture of a horse gives me strength. I turn to it in my times of need. My religion brings me closer to my family. It's an indispensable part of who we are.
Many people think that we worship the horse in the picture. This is hurtful and incorrect. We do not worship the horse in the picture. We worship the picture of the horse.
As a Muslim, I pray five times every day. Through prayer, I grow closer to God.
We give up our Gatorade freely to the picture of a horse. In my opinion, the taste of Gatorade is piss-poor, but the picture of a horse loves it.
Through my religion, I find a sense of self. Through my religion, I find joy and a love of something larger than myself. Through my religion, I find serenity and understanding. Through my religion, I find peace and love. |
dropout | janie_stolar_and_katie_marovitch_on_elizabeth_swaney | Hello, and welcome to Rob's Hall of Fame. We have another very, very special episode today, and Katie's just frozen staring at me. Okay. Today, as you can see, we have the wonderful Janie Stoller. Hello. And we have the incredible Katie Maravich. And today, I will be digging back into my own vault and telling them about somebody who is in my Hall of Fame, and then we will discuss that. First off, Janie.
Yes. Have you ever been involved with sports in any way? I have. Really? Yes. How's this?
I was a high school athlete. That was right. I ran track in cross country.
I don't know. I've never talked to Janie about- I don't talk about sports a lot. Yeah. I think it's like you can tell from my physique, but you can't tell from my personality that I'm big for it.
I ran track in cross country, and we can touch on this when we talk about the article, but I did win an award for running cross country called the Courage Award because I had the courage to run. I was last in every race. I was humiliated constantly, and I was brave as hell for that. So, yes, I am a very illustrious athlete.
Excellent. Right. And Katie.
Hello.
The same question? Yeah, same question.
All right. I actually did. I did club swimming for a long time, and I danced for a super long time. See, I danced too.
Is that a sport? No. It's athletic for sure. It was athletic, but it wasn't a sport. I guess I didn't do sports sports, but I did athletic events. Athletic events.
Tremendous. Okay, before we get into this Hall of Fame person today, I just have one honorable mention from the Discord. Somebody nominated a guy named Poop Johnson.
He's a football player. He's in the Canadian Football League.
Poop is not his birth name. His birth name is Corey, but he got the nickname Poop only a couple of years ago.
Because apparently he had a problem. His weight was fluctuating. He couldn't keep weight on. Not couldn't keep it on. He's still a big dude, but to be a defensive tackle, you're supposed to be close to like 300 pounds or something like that. So he kept dipping under to like 280 or whatever. His weight would fluctuate. So then they asked him about it, and he was like, well, I try to poop like five times a day, three times a day. So it's hard to keep the weight on when you get so much going out.
Can you control that? I guess you can. I mean, there's things you can take, but five times a day is a lot. That's a lot.
That might be like an intestinal thing. Yeah, I think there's something with poop going on there, maybe. He might have Crohn's.
Oh, is that what happens? That's just an opinion of five. That's not factual. Allegedly. That came from nowhere but my brain.
He says that he likes the nickname. He says it motivates him. He says. He says if he plays bad, then they're going to call him poop for real. Good for him.
That's an honorable mention. He did not make it.
I love that. I love when people take back terms and make it their own. Yeah, sure. Yeah.
Well, he owns it. He owns it. Jamie has a sketch that's called She Owns It. Just own it.
And then you're good. All you got to do is just own up to it.
OK, today, our Hall of Fame person, our Hall of Fame athlete is Elizabeth Swaney. Some people might remember that last year's Olympics, she competed in or Winter Olympics.
She competed in the the women's half pipe. Skiing. Yeah, skiing half pipe.
This woman did very, very poorly, ended in last place and upset a lot of people because they felt like she was not of the Olympic caliber that she did not deserve to be there. What did you know? If you see, we can't show the footage of her actual run, which I mean, she did not advance. She was very quickly eliminated, but she did zero on the half pipe.
You're supposed to do. It's like kind of like with with skateboarding, like you're supposed to do like tricks or like what Sean White does. It's like, yeah, or snowboarding. Yeah, right. Yeah, you're supposed to be doing like.
So she just goes up and down and up and down, which most people could not even remotely do.
Right. That's true. I was impressed.
She had a bad skier. She just wasn't an Olympian because it's interesting. She found these loopholes to get into the Olympics. Like she just so happened to make it in because she's American. But her grandparents were Hungarian and Hungary didn't have the most competitive pool of, you know, half pipe skiers. So like she was in the running and then there were injuries and then she happened to qualify. So it's like she's still qualified and she still made it in. She did. Yeah, she did. That's my thing. She did qualify, but she took advantage. She's like super game to the system, which to me is like, yeah, she deserved to be in if she got in using all the rules. So it wasn't like she she didn't break as long as her grandparents actually were from Hungary. Yeah, she competed in this in this event in 2018. She competed for Hungary.
And the way that she did it was that we touched on this was that for that event, every country only gets four people that they can send. So in the U.S., if there's 20 people, only the top four are going to make it. And there's 24 spots. Yeah, and there's 24 total spots.
So Hungary did not have this. She said that she was the first Hungarian to compete in this specific event. So Hungary obviously didn't have that many people going in this, competing in this event.
So they were able to send her as long as she basically you still have to go through like qualifications and stuff like that. But she basically just had to not fall over. Yeah, that's how she got in. Other people would fall, which is like subtracting more points. Right. She just was like managed to not fall. And then she actually could do an alley oop, they said. Yeah, which is cool. She didn't want to risk it, but she did it like a little one. She did it in a limit.
Yeah. And the video we watched. Like a verily. Yeah, yeah. She did like a tiny little one. Yeah, it was kind of like watching someone learn to do the tricks. Well, I also read in that article that you shared that she had tried to get in for Skeleton and didn't make that one. Yes. So this was like, you know what, I'm going to try something new. So I respect it.
And she also tried to play for Venezuela. Oh, I didn't see that. Her her mom was born there. So but it didn't work out like this person just wanted to go to the Olympics so badly that she worked so hard. Even though she wasn't the best Olympian, like she got there fairly. I don't understand why they were so upset. She did. Well, I get it because your first emotional response, you have so many people. She is an American.
Right. And the fact that she because but I mean, I'm with you guys because there are a lot of people who have American citizenship who go back to play to. I was going to say play for because I'm thinking specifically a basketball like Tony Parker, like there's a lot of like basketball players, Tony Kukoch, where they would go back to France or wherever they're from to play for that team because the U.S. has such a strong team that they want to play for it. Yeah. But this is like a pretty common thing with the Olympics. It is a common thing. But those guys are really good.
She and this whole thing is that she was very. Again, she would be way better than me, but I'm saying of the caliber of people who she's competing against didn't seem like on its face that she should have been there, that she had any other Olympians. I was trying to read more about their feelings. And a lot of them were just like, it was fine. She got here. She did did a lot of work, but also she like went to like so many like world events to qualify for the Olympics. Like she was working her ass off to get there. They were in like none of the actual athletes seemed offended by it at all.
Yeah. Well, here's the thing, like if people think it's a mockery of the Olympics, I think she just puts into greater perspective how great the other ones are. Yeah. Sure. Yeah.
But maybe we need worse Olympians to sort of show you this bar because when you watch a sprint or you watch some event where you're like, I can't conceptualize what an average person would be doing. They all look the same. You're like, well, well, OK, what am I comparing it to?
Right. Send in someone who's either horrible or OK. Right. And they look better. I'd be like, thank you. You show how hard I work. Yeah. We're going to get Janie a we're going to get Janie an assistant who just does everything very poorly beside her.
You just wrote a good sketch. That's really good. That is very funny.
Set the bar low. Like she's sleeping. Yes. Very minimum to exceed.
I can't let her go. You're swinging that bell curve always. She's my uncle's kid. My cousin. My uncle's kid. My cousin, I guess. I can't let her go.
But also, this woman ran for governor. At 19. Yeah. Against Arnold Schwarzenegger.
In some ways, it's like she's and she's what is it about her? I'm curious about that psychology. But see, that's another thing that I kind of get the thing of why people are upset. Because the more that you find out things about it, like she first tried to compete for Venezuela.
That didn't work out. And by the way, she competed, as you said, in the skeleton and didn't make it.
Right. What the fuck? That's the easiest. Famously, yes. Famously, I can do that. Famously, anyone. Yeah. Famously, anyone can. It's easy.
You already formed a skeleton team? I have not yet, no. Do you want the three of us to form a team? We're available. How much is it for a team? Let's just assume it's three of us. Maybe someone from the Discord can be hard. Yeah, we'll grab somebody.
So let's just go. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out there. I think so. We'll kind of like just wing it. Yeah, it's fine.
But yeah, at 19, ran against Arnold Schwarzenegger for a very short period of time.
But yeah, like I was saying, I get why people are looking at it like, oh, this is just a swimmer. She just, this is what she does. That is weird to me that she has a history of doing this. Because wouldn't it be different if she was like, I'm doing this to raise awareness of blank? Right.
It just feels very self-serving. It is extremely self-serving.
What she does in interviews, because I listen to a couple of her interviews, the way that she tries to make it seem not so self-serving is that she says that I was researching or trying to connect with my heritage. So like her mom, so like her mom. Her grandparents were there. Just talk to them.
Don't go to the Olympics. History, do they have a skeleton? Exactly, exactly. Where does the skeleton come into play? You didn't come from like an athletic family. No. They just lived in this place.
And I think there are other ways to be able to do that. If she, if this were like a comedian, I'd be fully on board being like, this is hilarious. Oh, like a Nathan for you type thing. This is such a funny prank. But the fact that she's not a comedian is a little weird. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's crazy weird. And also, honestly, I know that all this is a document.
And the NPR has reported on, yes, her grandparents were Hungarian. Venezuela is where her mother is from.
But when you hear her in interviews, it really sounds like she's lying. It very much sounds like she's not talking. Because one interview that I saw, they kept asking her.
They were like, OK, yes. So you competed in Hungary. And you're American. So what is your connection to Hungary? And she's like, oh, that's on my mother's side. And then I'm like, OK. And then so in 2013, you competed for Venezuela. And then she's like, yeah, that's also on my mother's side. And then they were like, OK, so is it that her mother was Hungarian?
But she keeps repeating the same phrase. She just keeps saying, yeah.
It's on my mother's side. Yeah, that's on my mother's side.
It's entirely because, I mean, I trust NPR's reporting that they went and researched it. But I think that she did not know. So the fact that she's saying, oh, good, awesome, thank god. Thank you, NPR. That is a relief.
Thank you, Terry Gross, yet again. Terry Gross saves us all.
But yeah, I think that she was not sure about how the connection was made. And it just comes off like you're scamming. And the fact that she says, oh, I was doing this to learn more about my heritage. But it sounds like you have no idea.
She didn't know it's hilarious.
Shit about it. There's another category, too, that I find lovable, which is our country does not have this team, does not have this sport. I'm going to just do it to do it, because I want our country represented.
There was this guy from Tonga who was skiing, or the classical running story. Jamaican bobsled team.
That's exactly what I was going to say. That's different, because it would be great if we could start representing our country. This feels like an American who was like, I want to be in. It's for me. I don't know why she didn't just say that.
Just use that thing. Own it. Just own it. Own it.
Yeah, I don't know.
What an interesting person. And she'd only been skiing for like eight years. But she was genuinely trying, it sounds like.
She said that after this run that people were calling so terrible, she goes, yeah, I just didn't do my best today. Normally, I do a lot, but I'm a lot better. You guys should see me in practice. Yesterday, I was incredible. Wow, I'm so good at normal. It's weird that at the Olympics, I wasn't great.
That's so funny. There are so many sports, too, where they keep inventing them, too. It hasn't been around that long. I think you could start with, if you had a child today, you could definitely get them in the Olympics, no doubt, if you were gaming them from the start. Is that really worth it? See, that's another thing.
How was this, sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry. So aggressive.
Is that I couldn't figure out, how is it worth it for her? To be traveling the world and doing all these qualification events, and just getting, and you know that people are ridiculing you. Yeah, so what is in it for her? I don't understand. I also wonder that about athletes who get found out cheating or doing steroids, too. It's like, yes, you got the thing.
You were lauded, but when that stuff's found out, it's so humiliating, and you lose all credibility. And you lose all credibility.
Like, isn't the honest, isn't in its purest form, like athletic achievement about truly proving you can do something incredible and you're like making people proud? Right. Like tries to get just, I want Olympian, I want a medal, like those things. I'm like, why do you care so much? What is it about you?
If you could have done steroids for cross country, I also ran cross country by the way. Oh, you did? Yeah, I did, but I have flat feet.
Oh, that sucks. It was not good.
Were you fast, though? I was not fast. Well, I was fast, but my team was really, really good. Oh, really? So yeah, we won, I was on the right team, let's just say, we won a lot.
It's a team sport. That's the best sport, because it's not like soccer where someone, you can screw up the ball and then it's over. It's like if you just run a little slower, but there's great people on your team, they don't care what you're doing. You're just running behind them. Yeah, I should have did like a more, like a speed event as opposed to like a long distance thing.
That's hard on flat feet. Good God. And I didn't realize that I wasn't supposed to be feeling that much pain. Really? No, I didn't realize it until we went to the dark and they took me.
Can I bring up another point? Well, I was talking, but go ahead. Sorry, I just want to stick to the topic.
Yes, yes. I know I'm totally kidding. But another thing that makes this person a little bit of a shithead is, sorry for swearing. Swear job. Oh, I got it for $5. $5. Yeah, slam down. Oh, come on.
She like made the money through like crowdfunding. No way. Yeah, because it's obviously very expensive to travel the world. Yeah, if you don't have a sponsor, if you're not famous. How did she get the money? I just had a short film try to get money and we couldn't do it.
How did this, how did she manage? What was her tactic? I just want to know.
She went to UC Berkeley. Did you go to UC Berkeley? That's a great point. On the record, I went to UC Berkeley. I did not.
So that answers it. That was it. That's what happened.
But don't you, you don't feel like, I mean, I don't know what her background was. She went to Harvard. Don't you think she did go to Harvard?
Yes. It's possible that crowdfunding was one rich person. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Yeah, you know like, yeah.
Her grandparents. You have like one. Her Hungarian grandparents. Her very Hungarian grandparents.
I don't know. Who have never talked to her about Hungary. Like she was in a video I was watching, she did have a corporate sponsor on her arm in a certain uniform. And I was like, how does that happen? I don't know how all that stuff works. They just blanket like, we're just buying sponsorship for the Hungarian, you know, half pipe, whoever, we don't look at the person. Because it's like, it's kind of losing credit for that brand if they're sponsoring it, you know? I don't get any of that stuff. I think that would look bad for the brand. I would think so. Yeah, I don't think they saw any footage of her competing. Either that or they didn't know anything about the half pipe, I'm sure. Yeah, I didn't even notice that what her sponsorship situation was.
I'm gonna look into it. I'm really curious.
I would love to be sponsored. Oh yeah, for comedy. Yeah, for comedy. Like Nike. Do you hear all this Nike stuff? Yeah, they would get behind your jokes, for sure.
Why not?
You're everything. I mean, you're- Did you say I'm everything? You're everything, Katie. I was about to say- What? I was about to say you're everything that they represent. I was gonna say- But you said that you're everything.
Look at who they represent. They got Serena Williams. Yes. They got LeBron James. I'm right up there. They got Michael Jordan.
That's me. Drake. It's just like me.
To, yeah, Katie Marovitch. Katie Marovitch.
That makes sense. But in terms of like, if Nike is to sports, we would get a pen company and a paper company. Yes. Oh yeah, that's true.
Or a laptop. Or a laptop company. I'll take it. I don't know what company this is.
You made that. Clearly. You made that.
But I'm just- It's just generic, right? It's a brandless computer. It doesn't have any brand on it. I love that how we get unbranded readers.
Yeah. Can you move those posters? That is- It's weird. Yeah, it's, can you just move those? I just wanna see.
This is so silly. Why do we do this? Like, no one's gonna- It is very silly, I don't know. Everyone knows it's so funny.
Yeah. Orcology market started its own brand and start sponsoring these horrible athletes. You're like, what a job and new comedy, College Humor. That sounds fun. That's absolutely what, yeah. We should've got on there. We should do that. We should all do chip in and just sponsor an athlete. Yeah. Sponsor me and the skeleton. Oh no, all of us. Right.
We're the team. We're the unnamed discord person.
What country would we play for? Or not play for- Oh yeah, do we have America? Then you would have like a way to- Wait, don't you, you don't?
Oh, okay. Because you're always talking about the Romanovs or whatever. Oh, yes, I'm the heir to the Romanovs forever. That's accurate. Okay, so how did that- Can we show about you? Yes, that's right. I'm Anastasia's great, great, great niece.
Okay, so there we go. So yeah, Russia, we'll play for Russia. Yeah, that'll be easy. Winter Olympics.
Easy squeaky. The skeleton is like everyone's stacked on top of each other. But there's no apparatus. You're like kind of like on like a slide. You're on a slide.
No one's stacked.
It's one person? Yeah, it's one. You do it alone. You do it by yourself.
Okay, okay. How is it a team sport? Well, I guess they have it. Well, I'm saying if we compete for a country, the country has a team. I was thinking of the luge has partner luge and Bob said it's multiple people once.
The skeleton is just one person going down. Isn't it head first or feet first? It's head first. One of them is head first, one of them is feet first. That's insane. I don't remember which one is which. No, yeah, skeleton is head first. Luge is feet first.
People like fly off the side and die, right? Oh, absolutely. But that's why we're dying. Yeah.
You don't care. Nevermind.
You can't even just be practicing and just shwoop when you're gone. Shwoop gone. Yeah, just in practice. That's not good. There's so many things where I don't understand how you practice it to get good enough to not die.
Or like even some gymnastics tricks. How do you land on your head and your neck rings? I used to do gymnastics too. Did you really? Yeah, when I was little. Could you do the rings and go like this and hold yourself up? That's very advanced.
I was like, yeah. This is like tumbling. Yeah, right, yeah, okay, yeah. We're on the same page. Like the trampoline up in town. Yeah, we do. Yeah, like trampoline, somersault. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That sounds fun. It was fun. It was fun until I didn't want to do it anymore.
I have a terrible fear of heights. And you have to, once you got to that thing of swinging on those bars. The bars, uneven bars. That is scary. I did not like it.
Flipping off crazy. Flipping off, well, just grabbing them, I was okay. But you're supposed to go like, oh yeah. Yeah, doing like the flips around.
That is scary. I don't know how they do that. I didn't love it. Oh God. I did not love it. No, I can see that. That's scary.
But I could absolutely do the skeleton. Yeah, me too. And I might compete for. I guess we'll just do it for Russia. Also get good at the ones that are like, I think.
No shade, archery. Yes. Oh. That's a vicious test.
A loser could do that. Like if you had a 2020 vision and a steady hands. Easy, a loser.
Which I do not. I like it.
I'm gonna say ridiculous. I'm like, I got this. Ridiculous that people have to train for that.
Okay, well, there's ones. Curling, I'm saying. There's stuff. Curling, easy. Easy.
When you won, I'm curious about this. Yeah. Your courage award. Were you the only one to get this award? Yes, I was. It was straight up invented for me. Everyone, we were having like MVP and like most improved and whatever. And I had a plaque that said courage award.
It was just like a second of feeling pride. And then it kind of went, okay. Wait a minute. Yeah. No, this is full on shade.
Yes, I am humiliated. And this was high school. It was high school. So you were definitely old enough to be like, ooh, that wasn't so nice of you. Oh, that's ridiculous. If it was like elementary school, then that's fine.
It was given by the captains of the team too. It wasn't, and they were nice. It wasn't like, ha, it's like prank. We're gonna like, you know, sarcastically give her a shameful award. It was like, no, I earned that award. It would have been better to get like a Miss Congeniality. Is that an award for sports? Yeah, or like best team spirit. Not really.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, inventing like a whole other thing.
But I never was athletic. So like that is why cross country and track were good. Cause I just felt like I was running and I was kind of like doing my own thing. And then I did, I had like in the past, I've done volleyball and soccer and dance.
There's like a lot of pressure for me on team sports or anything with hand-eye coordination with a ball. It freaks me out. I'm very bad.
Figure out where, like, okay, baseball, that bat is like this thin, right? Right. And the ball. How do you get it to the ball?
No! This goes here, so I go like that? No!
I famously could never hit it. And I would, my mom would get mad at me. Did you ever do T-ball? I tried everything, ma'am. Okay, I tried it all. Katie, you asked me to pass you a ball the other day, just in the office.
I know. And that was real bad. When someone's like, oh hey, head's up, can you throw something at you? I hate it. I do. I flinch. But you asked me. I did. This has happened multiple times. I said, throw that basketball at me. Yeah, yeah. And then I freaked out when you did it. And screamed.
And it did not work. I did not catch it with my hands.
It's crazy how fast balls go. I hate them.
No balls. Well, the halfpipe has no balls. Nor does the skeleton.
So, we're in. It's so true. Okay.
Wait, did we show you guys things? Your Twitter things? What do you guys have to promote? Oh, like our Twitters? Yeah, or shows? You have a show to promote?
Sure. Like in L.A. If people are a thing that people, like on the internet. I hate.
In Los Angeles.
Okay, I host two comedy shows. I host Reductress' stand-up show with College Humors Rekha at the Virgil the first Friday of the month. And I host a pop culture show called Obsessed, the first Saturday of the month at the PAC Theater.
And my Twitter is at Janie Fierce. Yay. My Twitter is at Katie Maravich. And also my Instagram is at Katie Maravich.
I think they saw that already. And I don't have anything to promote.
Okay, all right, that's good. Okay. That wasn't good. No, no, that was great. All right.
So if you're watching this on the CH2 channel, thank you so much. But guess what? This is old. So jokes on you.
Go over to drop out. Subscribe to drop out.
We got lots of shows on there. Plenty of shows.
We got Rank Room on there. The Rank Room.
Yay. And we got the Discord where you can chat with us and all kinds of stuff. Join our team. Yeah. The Discord where you can join our skeleton team. We'll be holding auditions and having rehearsals. Right, that's what it's called. We're very athletic. All right. Thank you so much for watching.
The Dread Cruiser. Static Horse for the Dread Cruiser.
Sign up for your free trial today. You don't need all those trials. Give them to me. |
TheOnion | Peyton_Manning_Says_He_Will_Play_In_Colts_Opener_After_Performing_Neck_Surgery_On_Self | I hear pro surfer Kelly Slater and I expect to see a gorgeous toned woman with legs like bronze dolphins and nipples like jewelry. That's some grindball.
Kenny, you just contribute nothing to this conversation. Okay, okay.
Colts fans feared the worst about their beloved Peyton, but some good news today. Manning says he will be missing no time at all this season after taking matters into his own hands and performing surgery on his own neck.
That's great stuff. You're wrong again, my fat friend.
This is classic Peyton Manning control freak behavior. The man feels compelled to do it all, call audibles, go for it on fourth down, harvest connective tissues and nerve trunks from his own leg. That's being a team leader. You'd be all over him for not performing surgery on himself. Peyton has to learn to trust those around him.
In the past three years, he's become his own equipment manager. He cooks all the team meals. He flies the team plane, now team surgeon.
Come on. Shut your mouth and listen. Just a second.
Peyton made to the press today. That was, of course, printed on paper made by Manning and in the font of Peyton's own devices. Peyton needs to take a page from Drew Brees and Tim Tebow and pray to Jesus to heal his neck. Oh, cram it, Doc. If Tom Brady operated on his own neck, you'd call him the best surgeon of all time.
You don't know anything.
New details have emerged surrounding the DUI arrest of Jockey Calvin Burrell on Sunday. The Evansville Police Department announced that the Kentucky Derby winner was pulled over after he was seen swerving his horse erratically on the highway. Burrell was reportedly caught riding shady maple 20 miles per hour over the speed limit. That point, they swerved across three lanes of traffic on Highway 31 and slammed into the medium three times before police turned on the siren. The jockey reportedly tried to blame the horse at first, but a quick dressage test proved that the horse was lucid.
Well, one of Burrell's friends has to step in and take away his bridle and whip if he thought he was in the tank. I would. No, no. This is all on Burrell.
The National Thurman Racing Association has a well-publicized program that will send a steed and a sober rider to pick up drunk jockeys no matter where they are. There's no excuse. He just got plain lucky. I mean, next time he could lose control, veer into the wrong lane and t-bone his horse ride into a school bus. Or worse, he could end up like famed jockey Antonio Vande, who drank and rode back in 2009 and ended up wrapping his Mount King gala hat around a telephone pole. Life could be in serious trouble. I can't imagine a point in a jockey's life where he's not in serious trouble. Don't patronize jockeys, Doc. It makes you look desperate.
All right, that does it for the Face Off after the break. We're talking Giants closer Brian Wilson, who's on the DL with excessive garbage in his beard. It's a long season. Over time, a beard's going to gather bits of food and rusty wire. I used to have a nice big Kimball Slice-style beard, never got an ounce of trash in it.
Enough, Doc. No one cares. Stick with us. We're putting some commercials in your face. Until then, get out of my face. You know, Doc, I hate you, but I am in love with that beard. Oh, man, you could smother a baby with that thing.
Thank you very much. Yes. Well, it looks like I was the only assistant you've ever sent to me right now. Thank you very much. I compliment you all the time.
You call him the best surgeon of all time. You don't know anything.
New details have emerged surrounding the DUI arrest of Jockey Calvin Burrell on Sunday. The Evansville Police Department announced that the Kentucky Derby winner was pulled over after he was seen swerving his horse erratically on the highway. Burrell was reportedly caught riding shady maple 20 miles per hour over the speed limit. At that point, they swerved across three lanes of traffic on Highway 31 and slammed into the medium three times before police turned on the siren. The jockey reportedly tried to blame the horse at first, but a quick dressage test proved that the horse was lucid. Well, one of Burrell's friends has to step in and take away his bridle and whip if he thought he was in the tank. No, no, this is all on Burrell. The National Thurman Racing Association has a well-publicized program that will send a steed and a sober rider to pick up drunk jockeys no matter where they are.
There's no excuse. Just got flying lucky. I mean, next time, he could lose control, veer into the wrong lane, and t-bone his horse ride into a school bus. Or worse, he could end up like famed jockey Antonio Vande, who drank and rode back in 2009 and ended up wrapping his Mount King gala hat around a telephone pole. Life could be in serious trouble. I can't imagine a point in a jockey's life where he's not in serious trouble. Don't patronize jockeys, Doc. It makes you look desperate.
All right, that does it for The Face Off. After the break, we're talking Giants closer Brian Wilson, who's on the DL with excessive garbage in his beard. Well, that's a long season. Over time, a beard's gonna gather bits of food and rusty wire. I used to have a nice, big Kimball Slice-style beard, never got an ounce of trash in it.
Enough, Doc, no one cares. Stick with us. We're putting some commercials in your face. Until then, get out of my face. You know, Doc, I hate you, but I am in love with that beard. Ah, man, you could smother a baby to that side.
Thank you very much. Yes. Well, it was like, uh, some of the nicest things you've ever said to me right here, right now. What? Thank you very much. I compliment you all the time. |
dropout | animated_drunk_dial | Hey, this is Emily. Leave a message. You know, Emily, it's your ex-boyfriend. It's a big dog. Arf arf. I know you just don't want to hear from me because I drink too much.
Well, I changed. I've changed. I went into a Metamorphosis cocoon and I came out a butterfly. I'm sober. Not currently now, but I'm not drinking as much anymore. With not one, but two motherfucking jobs.
Indoor pool lifeguard. Outdoor pool lifeguard. She can only be a lifeguard in the summer, so there's nine months where I'm looking, actively seeking.
Big job today. Interview. Was a big job interviewing the guy who was like, stop screaming, and I was like, fuck you.
My trash can was on fire. I threw a cigarette in there a little while ago.
Alright, bye, Emily. Hey, Emily. Listen, I got one parting message for you, man.
Okay, I'm fucking hammered. I was thinking about us the other day, do you remember? It was my cousin's birthday party and you came with me out to the patch hog. We were going to buy those lemonade drinks that you drink, the ones with the alcohol in it, and we went to the bodega, and freaking Michael Clark Duncan was in there, and he was like all crazy. He was pissed off about, didn't have all the flavors he wanted, some chip or something. And I was like, much respect, much love from up above. You were just looking at me like, what the fuck are you doing right now, man? You got to call me back. I got weird shit going on here.
My brother's dog is in the room and I think it's dead or something because it hasn't moved in like an hour. Why is my pizza taking forever to get ready? Whoops. I put it in the microwave and never pressed start. Isn't that a metaphor? |
cracked | the_most_thought_ever_put_into_a_terrible_nickname | There he is. It's about time, Mr. Late. I'm 20 minutes late. The best you could come up with is Mr. Late. We voted, then Vito, then voted, no Vito.
So it's stuck. Did it? Must it?
It truly was a great meeting. But now it's over. Yeah, meeting's way over, Chris.
In all seriousness, you are very late to the meeting. My last name is Punctuel. This is slow pitch, guys. And you're biffing it. In fact, you haven't been to the last five meetings, which is why I called this meeting. Which you missed. Well, we haven't been to business for the last 20 meetings. Well, I guess I shouldn't have paid you for the last 20 meetings. Mr. Late. Probably not, man. I didn't do anything. Hey, Chris, your last name kind of sounds like Punctuel.
See? Sam gets it. Of course.
When I worked at the Friendster, we had regular get to know you meetings. Even when we already knew each other. To just sort of remind each other to keep working. When I worked at Just Google. We didn't have meetings just to say, hey.
We had scooters. Gumball machines. And an open bar. Which, I guess I kind of have that now, too. We had doodles. Ugh.
Hey. Hi.
Chris, I don't care what they did at Just Google. You're not at Just Google anymore.
You're at our thing. Whatever our company name turns out to be. Checkpoint and matchmate. Well, when I worked at the government, we didn't really talk much. We get stuff done. We never gave each other nicknames, either.
So. Okay.
Hey, last week, Brad emailed me about the logo. Yeah, Brad emailed me about the logo, too. It said, to whom it may concern, I'll get back to you sincerely.
He didn't even sign his name, man. He signed it.
I felt his digital presence. Virtually.
I'll get back to you isn't news. What's news? I mean, the fact that Brad even replied to one of our emails is new. Despite the news and the reply not being something that is new.
That is a good point. No, that's a point. You're getting into semantics again, and I don't like it. Sorry for the government talk.
I think you owe me an apology, Mr. Late. Yeah, Mr. Late.
Okay. God, I look, I'm sorry. I missed the meeting where Brad told us he'd get back to us. Sorry, you crisped the meeting. But I'm not sorry. I missed the other four or five. Chris Pongshuel missed the meeting. You don't have it your way. We'll only meet when there's business or news to discuss.
Cool. It was nice knowing you guys. Bye forever. Ms. Pongshuel crisped the meeting. Hey now, let's at least keep the gender consistent. But you all have to promise to keep working, okay? So that I know you are. Deal? Yep. Nope. Okay.
So I'll just remind you to keep working in your emails once a week. So check your emails. He got that, right? Seemed like it registered. I drew Mr. Late into a logo. Scan that and email it to Brad. I already did.
Good. Good work. Duh. That's us all over, man. All right. See you next week. |
cracked | 4_movies_that_are_horrifying_from_another_character_s_pov_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | First conceptualized by Joseph Campbell, the template of the hero's journey shows up in every sci-fi or adventure setting you pretended to occupy as a child. You got your call to adventure, supernatural aid, belly of the whale, road of trials, the meeting with the goddess, and the blowing of the Death Star. That's a fine summation of Luke's hero's journey in Star Wars, but not everyone in Star Wars was Luke Skywalker. Most you'll notice if you rewatch the franchise were not by a pretty big margin. Today we'll be exploring them and all the other non-heroes in a hero's journey.
According to nerds, Spock Lobster was born in 2230 and would go on to meet Captain Kirk as second commander of the Enterprise in 2265 and be best friends until the year 2293 when Kirk is presumed dead after being sucked into a temporal pleasure ribbon called the Nexus. Then Kirk chops some wood and horse races Patrick Stewart before old man grappling with Malcolm McDowell on a space bridge falling off that space bridge and then actually dying in a heap, just a heap of captain. That all happens when Spock is 63 years old, and so his relationship with Kirk and presumably his other Enterprise buddies lasted roughly 30 years of his life. While that seems like a lot of time, keep in mind that the average Vulcan lifespan is actually 200 years. Every Vulcan knows that every human friendship they have will represent a fraction of the time they're alive. You have found him, Captain Picard. That Spock showing up in the next generation with a solid 76 years under his belt since the passing of Kirk. That means Spock has spent about 80% of his time living in a world without his best friend. You know what other best friends last about a sixth of your total lifespan?
F***ing dogs. Adorable, scruffy little pooches that you love for 13 years and then Barry, except my dog, who's been trained very specifically to live forever and will in fact be burying me if I die, which I won't. And sure, you'll mourn, and you'll always love that little buddy, but eventually you'll wander into the pound and find the new best friend, because you've been taught all your life that pets come and go, and are therefore a little farther down the line on the emotional attachment totem pole, just like Kirk must have been for Spock. Suddenly the idea that Vulcans are mostly distant compared to humans makes sense when you realize that Kirk is the species equivalent of that excitable, humping, reactionary beast that barks at a strong wind, and Vulcans, who might not always understand that reaction, know that it's simply a byproduct of this fleeting emotional creature they've chosen to befriend, and occasionally have sex with. So is Spock like a dog? There's not a great one-to-one parallel I can make if we're going with the humans are like dogs to Vulcans comparison.
Hi Zoe Saldana! When you think about it, finding out that the entire world was actually a false construct existing in a smoldering futurescape was actually the best thing to happen to Neo, who starts the Matrix series as a lonely office drone living in a one bedroom apartment filled with electronic misery tokens and cash stuffed philosophy books. From there he gets thrown through the cyber apocalypse wringer and comes out the other end as a Kryptonian goth thing, complete with a girlfriend who looks like one of Zod's henchmen. They get to bone in a cave surrounded by candles and tribal music like you like, and in the end even his death is this grand techno Jesus accord to free the minds of everyone unknowingly trapped in the Matrix world. Really, the only thing he'd infect her in was whether or not everyone still living in the Matrix hadn't lost their goddamn minds already thanks to the otherworldly shenanigans and acts of brutal terrorism caused by his crusade. Let's go all the way back to the first film, when Neo walks into a peaceful lobby and balls out mass murders a group of security guards. Those aren't sinister programs or agents, but regular 9-5 security personnel that Neo is gunning down like Nazi zombies.
There is no spoon. That's great, Neo. There is no spoon. But you know what there is no no of?
Those 20 plus ragdoll corpses you incinerated who were living, breathing humans plugged into the Matrix. Well, the mantra early on is that it's permissible to kill anyone unknowingly working alongside of the agents for the sake of humanity. Humanity doesn't know that. All humanity is seeing is a lunatic dressed like an evil priest kung fu slaughtering the innocent. And now that he's publicly established himself as a straight up domestic terrorist, Neo spends the rest of the series soaring over the city like a magical Osama bin Laden. By the second film, he and his gang of leather bound misfits are flying around and having elaborate car chases with ghost soldiers in broad daylight. I mean, what does the news say the next day? A lot of good people were murdered by a trench coat wearing man with no clear motive.
And also he flies? In probably related news, everyone in the world appears to be slowly turning into just this one guy. It's this guy. If you or someone you know is this guy, tell someone in the government why.
Now to Steve for the weather and look, nope, Steve is one of those Asian guys now. Okay, good. Bye Steve. F*** the weather.
By the time Agent Smith has overrun the city with his likeness, people are probably boarding up their houses like it's night of the living limo drivers. Then Neo saves the day by making everyone explode and whatever's left of humanity somehow learns that the guy best known for spree shooting civilians was actually mankind's supreme savior this whole time. Hey, thanks a lot. So glad to leave my cozy apartment and wifi to eat rash and slop in the earth's scorched mantle. You really pulled us through by killing all those innocent people, Neo.
Imagine for a moment that you are a teenage boy sneering around a 1990s New York City trying to score cigarettes and lady friends. Suddenly Sam Rockwell shows up and brings you to this big warehouse full of gambling and video games and graffiti walls and hip hop music and skateboarding ramps and you're all like, got any cigarettes? And he's like, regular or mental? How cool would that be? The Footclan's lair is like a goddamn Dave and Busters.
It's every 90s kid's dream, right down to hanging out with Skeet Ulrich. Skeet? Remember Skeet? So you're hanging out with Skeet.
You, my friend, are now in a cult. That's what a cult looks like. You got, it's a cult. You got drawn in with a promise of smoking cigarettes and getting teenage kicks and now you're front and center in a bunker dojo swearing your allegiance to a sharp pointy count of some kind.
This is your family. I am your father.
I can't believe there wasn't even one kid who was like, I think I'm at the wrong thing. I only joined this gang because I was acting out because I'm a teenager and this seemed like a good way to piss off my parents while also having a controlled environment in which to skateboard. Probably though I'll just get a tattoo or something. I don't really have any opinions on turtles. So I feel like I'm not the guy you want for this.
Remember the first TMNT starts at a point where the turtles are not well known vigilantes. So if you were in that audience, you'd have to assume that this guy was talking about actual turtles, at least until you accidentally ran into the giant mutant rat he has tied up in storage. Probably the most surprising part of joining a cult that wants you to fight giant turtles is that you actually have to fight giant turtles. Unlike every other cult in the world, the Foot Clan seriously delivers on its kooky premise, no doubt to the dismay of all the teenagers that were just coasting through every dragon doji session in order to get back to playing pit fighter and listening to MC Hammer. After all, these teenagers might be outcasts, but these teenagers are still teenagers, right?
How many rebel skater punks do you suppose are interested in both getting wasted in a warehouse and becoming disciplined at karate? If Shredder really wanted a crew of ninja fighters, he should have opened a gym instead or set up a career day booth or something. Anything but luring in the least accountable group of ruffians, giving them cigarettes and then saying, hey, everyone, let's all gather around and team karate.
Don't forget to stretch. Speaking of stone cold ruffians, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is about a pair of fun loving metalheads who use the power of bending space time to cram for a school history test by physically kidnapping historical figures. If you haven't seen the film because it's a bit past your generation, then I don't think explaining it to you is going to help. I mean, we don't even have phone booths anymore. There's so much explanatory ground I'd have to cover just in the setup of this movie, and this isn't even the one with death and station. The point is that it's a good natured time romp that charmed a nation with radical catchphrases and Keanu Reeves and, and, uh, I was going to say it with a guy. All right. Anyway, it turns out that this movie is way more horrifying than it lets on solely by checking the roster of the people Bill and Ted choose to cram together and their little TARDIS. There's Billy the Kid, Abraham Lincoln, Genghis Khan, Sigmund Freud, Ludwig van Beethoven, Joan of Arc, Soap crates, and Napoleon all at their most recognizable ages, all from varying and overlapping errors in history and all of them huddled together in a shitty time traveling phone booth like a bunch of temporal refugees. If you haven't realized why that's potentially horrifying yet, I'll break it down for you.
Let's start with the fact that Billy the Kid, the first guy they pick up, looks to be about 20 years old. Maybe he's 19. Maybe he's 21. My point is that he certainly isn't 23 because Billy the Kid was shot to death when he was 22.
Something that Sigmund Freud, an educated man who lived at the same time as Billy, probably knows about. You might think that Freud had the greater sense not to bring that up, but you bet your ass Billy wouldn't show the same restraint for someone like Abraham Lincoln, who was assassinated 20 years before he was born. The Kid even escaped execution in a town named after Lincoln.
There's pretty much no conversation these people could have that wouldn't end with the universe exploding like a bowl of beans in the microwave. Not to mention that the film ends with them all just hanging out in a mall where there's, you know, bookstores that probably have very disheartening information in their nonfiction section. Considering that they are specifically there to tell their life stories, it's a miracle that none of them accidentally learned a few spoilers. You think Joan of Arc would have gone back to the toasty 1400s after spending an hour in Barnes and Noble? I don't think so. The only other explanation is that these people believe they are either undergoing the most vivid of batshit dreams or having some kind of religious experience. Ginger snaps.
Did Bill and Ted kill Joan of Arc? Dudes, you guys are going to go back in time. Yeah. The movie shows that time exists as a predestined loop, which means that Bill and Ted had always gone back in time to affect these people's lives. That means the stories of Joan of Arc meeting God might have actually been her bombing through time and crashing aerobics classes. God, to her, might have been Bill and Ted, which could be totally accurate, since they also go back in time and counter cavemen. For all we know, tasting that chewing gum was the catalyst spark for the complex thought leading to our very dominance on Earth.
Sweet. Jesus. I have to tell everyone. Hello? Is this everyone? This is Dan. I wanted to... Oh, nevermind.
It's the pharmacy. I just called the pharmacy.
I don't know why I thought I'd have everyone's number. That's probably good for this episode. Join me next time to learn about... mermaids, I guess. Just a bunch of murmurs about mermaids coming into my ear. Maybe it's just a pretty fish. Don't know. Too soon to tell.
Yeah, I don't use papers anymore. I got a guy that just tells me that thing. The show's getting pretty big. Okay, bye. Hey, everyone.
Thanks for watching. Make sure you subscribe and like the video. If you're sad that the video's not on anymore, you can watch it again, or you can just click around. There will be other videos with me in them. You just keep watching them all. Until a new one comes out again. Never stop watching videos. |
TheOnion | Ex_Pedophile_Shares_Tips_On_How_To_Make_Your_Kids_Less_Attractive | Every parent's worst nightmare, of course, is if their child falls victim to a sexual predator. But it's hard to know how to keep your kids safe. Yeah, it is. But today we're gonna get some insider tips from a child safety expert and ex-pedophile, Terry Parker.
Welcome to the show, Terry. Hi, Jim and Tracy. Thanks for having me. Hi, Terry. Well, thank you for being here.
Now, Terry actually kidnapped and sexually molested children for over 20 years. Wow. And he was eventually convicted of 13 counts of sexual assault against minors.
Yes, well, that's all behind me now. I don't do that sort of thing anymore.
Now, Terry, you say first off that a lot of the conventional wisdom we all know about how to protect our children from predators is actually wrong. Yes, for instance, a lot of people tell their kids, don't talk to strangers. I tell my kids that all the time.
Right, when a pedophile is looking for a little boy or girl to take, he's not interested in having a conversation with them. He simply wants their small body pressed against his. So he's gonna abduct them whether they talk to them or not. Yeah, you don't have to lure them into a car. You simply take the child where you want them. Their bodies are so light. But you do recommend that parents try to make their children less attractive to pedophiles, right? Right, clothing is a huge factor. If you put a girl in a sundress and French braids in front of the average pedophile, he's gonna get an erection that'll rip his bike shorts.
Well, that's good to know. Yes, it is.
So what should parents do? Dress them in dirty clothing, mess up their hair. Still, this will only deter about 90% of all pedophiles. Personally, I prefer a kid that looks a little rough and tumble. Before we go, I have to discuss the situation that no one wants to face. Your child is abducted, there's no ransom note, so you know the motive isn't money, it's sex. And how can a parent hope to get their child back? First of all, he or she won't be a child anymore. No? Any childhood innocence will have been stripped away the moment the pedophile's sweaty arm goes down your kid's pants. Your child's best bet is to grab a sharp object to stab at the man with, like a pencil, which is actually how I got this. Ooh, I bet you didn't get very far with that kid.
Not that one, no. Well, Terry, well, thank you so much for being with us this morning and opening our eyes to this situation. And if we can just protect one child out there from people like you, we will have done our job. I'm glad to help. Thanks, Terry.
Okay, coming up next, out of the frying pan into the dryer, a new way to make pierogi. Yum, yum. |
dropout | the_six_girls_you_ll_see_back_home | This is you. This is you visiting your family for the holidays. This is you 10 minutes later. It's time to go out for a bit.
She always thought you were a little creepy in high school. You don't know why. But happy ending. Turns out minors can't actually request restraining orders. Things will be different this time.
Hey Rachel! Not a great start. Hey, I figured I'd see you here. Oh, now you're trapped.
Five minutes in, you know what a coyote feels like the second before it chews through this leg. You can sit on top of me like we're kids again. Hey! Last time you saw her, a segment was pouring the egger down an ice illusion to her throat.
Now somebody has put her in charge of tiny people. What's new with you? Oh, you know, I've just been super busy with the kids. How could this happen?
Your friends shouldn't have kids until the future. It's not the future yet. We don't even have hoverboards.
You try to make small talk, but she seems preoccupied. You're uh, your kids uh...
Oh, Brantley, do not go in the sewer. There's rats and poop down there.
Maybe she was your babysitter, or your seventh grade science teacher, or just a really hot male lady. Age kept you apart, but no more. She won't believe how much you've grown. She'll marvel at how handsome you are without acne, or head gear, or that thing on your neck that wouldn't heal. She definitely won't remember that time you drank too much blue Gatorade and puked all over her new skirt.
Oh my god! Pukesie! Is that you? This is not going as planned. It's possible this is a coping mechanism. Whoa! Is that who you think it is?
She was a band geek. You almost made JB soccer. By the laws of high school, this should be as easy as having sex with a fish in a barrel. Yeah, things are going great actually.
I'm on a day here with Chuck. Chuck? Please. You can take Chuck.
Maybe it's time to call it a night. You just went zero for five. Not that anybody's counting.
You decide you were wrong to run out in your family. Coming home isn't about cheap flings. It's about catching up with the people you really care about. Of the girls you see at home, the most important one is your mother. Who are you? It's possible this isn't your house. |
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