section
stringclasses 14
values | filename
stringlengths 3
100
| text
stringlengths 77
235k
|
|---|---|---|
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_45_john_hopoate | Yes hello, thank you for joining us for another week and yet another interview with an iconic Australian. He's a figure in the sporting arena as well as you know just in the headlines, the newspapers. If you're from north of Albury-Wodonga you definitely know about this man.
He represents what Sydney used to be you know before the changes in governments and changes in laws and the sterilisation of a once exciting, vibrant part of the world a bit rough around the edges. It's since kind of died in the arse a little bit hasn't it Errol? It's one thing we noticed on the tour but this man represents everything it used to be. Dern, Toot and Clancy, we've certainly been trying to nab this one for a while haven't we?
He's responsible for the coining of a particular proctological term thanks to his actions on the footy field. Yes he is, very very famous for his on field and off field behaviour and if that little clue can give it away then he's the man who is going to lay out Paul Galland this week. We of course are talking about the one and only John Hopperwade. The most suspended man in rugby league history and arguably the greatest headline generator the game may ever see. He's taking on the former New South Wales captain Paul Galland in the ring in a heavyweight bout at the Horden Pavilion, I think that's on the 8th of February, that has cost Jazoo's son Tim on the card as well as well as Queensland great Justin Hodges who is making his debut Clancy. Yes John kindly decided to give us some of his time, we flew down to his home in the northern beaches in the worst city of the world just north of the harbour into the town and quarter of DY where you'll find Mr Hopperwade, that's where we went down to visit and we had a lovely yarn about his hallowed rugby league career and what he plans to do to the former Blues skipper Paul Galland and we're probably going to stay in this part of the world until the fight, we are lucky enough to land tickets thanks to Hopper's team and of course Paul Galland's team led by George Rose, he's hooked us up before we get to the show.
Either way, Hopper seems to think that he's going to deal one to Paul Galland and put him on his arse. Yeah he reckons he's going to absolutely turn him off at the wall Clancy, hold that power button down on the back of his brain like a frozen laptop and I'm sure there's going to be plenty of Queenslanders who have never forgiven Galland for all those cheap shots he put on Nate Myles' chin and we hope Hopper deals with him accordingly. Yes, yeah Hopper reckons Galland might need a mattress because he's going to lay him the fuck out, he's going to put him to sleep and drum roll please, plug alert. And if he needs a mattress he should head to Koala and get $150 he does off his next mattress for using the code KNOCKOUT, that's K N O C K O U T for $150 off a mattress from Koala.
Yeah thanks to Koala for getting behind the show and what a great lead in, thanks for John Hopper-Warty who sat down with us for a chat, the one you're now about to listen to. Let's get into it. Well here we are with the legend of the Sydney Sporting Arena across a number of codes really, now boxing, John Hopper-Warty thank you for joining us mate. Thank you boys, thank you for having me on. Yeah no we're excited, you've got a lot going on in the next week, 8th, the 8th you're fighting Paul Galland.
Yep yep yep. In just over a weeks time it is yeah. How did that come about? Well they um, they rang me last year, I think it was around September, if I wanted to fight him and you know I never say that anyway, as long as I'm getting paid and my kids are eating, I don't care who I'm fighting, if it means I'm getting my head punched in for 6 rounds, no my head's getting punched in for 6 rounds, as long as my kids can eat, that's all I do for is for the money. But you reckon you got him? Oh yeah I bash him. Yeah? I'm pretty confident that I'm going to beat him and beat him easy, but in saying that heavy weight's your one punch away from going to sleep. Yeah yeah. It doesn't have to be hard but if it's on the spot, good night. Now we've seen that in the UFC out there with Bam Bam, you know, Tuivassu, he kind of just copped that one the other day. Yeah. So it is heavy weight, it is like that. It is and Bam Bam was getting good. Yeah.
And it's just that one little neck and it sort of stunned him a bit and that's because he sort of, he was all over him, Bam Bam, and then that one, as I said, that's one little hit. It doesn't have to be hard but it's on the spot, no matter how big and strong you are. What are you weighing in at? I'm 112 at the moment. 112. Do you know what he's at? He'll be around one, five, one six, I think that's what he plays at.
Yeah. So there's a bit more coming behind your punches. Yeah. You are looking fit though, so this is you fit. Yeah, well it's the fittest I've been out of all my fights. Yep. There's one thing Gao's going to be, he's going to be fit. Yeah. So I had to pick up my fitness and I've been training hard but I've got a bit of experience behind me which makes it a bit easier. Gao, you know, I've got to give it to him, he's jumped in the ring and rugby league is a tough player, a good player, a player that I'd have in my team any day of the week because he's just, one of them players just doesn't take crap but he's jumped in the boxing, he's had a few fights but he's fought guys who've never fought before. Yeah. Out of the soup kitchen. Yeah, well pretty much. No.
But all these guys have never fought before so, you know, they've picked me thinking because I've been out of the ring for six, eight years that I'll be pretty much an easy target and it's good for him for stepping stone and making his way up. They haven't done their homework because I've been sparring, even though I haven't been in the ring, I spar in Saturday. So I'm still in the game but not actually fighting but I'm still in the game, I'm still sparring. I'm sparring guys like Boley Tippo and Solomon Immana, Kerry Fould, these guys are pretty much good fighters. So I'm sort of still in there and I think by them thinking picking me is going to be an easy target, it won't be.
So how many fights have you had up until now? I've had, I think I've had 15. 16 fights.
In the ring? In the ring. Not against my wife, I've had about 1000, never won one. But in the ring, 15. So we were just talking about it before, you said about eight years since you were in the ring, there was an undercard from Mundine?
No, the last fight I had was an MMA fight. Yeah, right. It was an MMA fight, I lost out on points.
That's a tough gig. I trained two weeks for it and my fitness was terrible. I stunned the bloke three times in the first round but I just could not finish him off. I was just too unfit.
We went to the ground, we rolled, we rolled around, wrestling him, we stood up. That was like in the first minute of the fight, when we stood up, I was sort of gone, I was gone.
Because the fitness is completely different, it's just a completely different arena. It does look a lot easier than what it looks like. It just kind of looks like there's two blokes having a bit of a tussle on the floor, but every muscle is working. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, it's different fitness, wrestling, and just stand out boxing is completely different.
As I said, I only trained two weeks and we went to the ground after a minute, we stood back up, I was toasted.
So tell us when you were playing footy and you were playing 80 minutes of an origin decider, how does that compare, walking off the field after that compared to walking out of a full fight? It doesn't compare because you've got 12 other players out there helping you out so when you're doing it a bit tough, you might just jump on the wing like I did and have a break. And then the other guys take the ball up for you or tackle for you, where in the ring it's only you, the only one who'll save you is either your ring throwing the towel in or the ref stopping it. So you're by yourself and the fighting game's completely different to the rugby league. All great athletes, but it's just completely different.
And what was that fight undercard for Mundine? That would have been one of your earlier ones. That was my first fight. My first fight, that was the Mundine-Daniel Green fight. My first fight, I stopped the guy in the first minute. I remember that. Frank Fassolo, his name was, he'd had a few fights and that was my first fight and I was lucky enough to stop him in the first round.
But yeah, it's a tough gig I guess I'll keep saying. Now can you tell us, Gal and you appear to have somewhat a frosty relationship, particularly over the last few weeks. Has this been a thing that's kind of existed in the background or did the shit talk started as the fight got announced? I've known Gal because he's captain of New South Wales and my son played with Gal, under Gal.
He's a good bloke, but we're in fighting. I'm not going to be your mate if I want to try and knock your head off. So probably after the fight we'll shake hands and forget about it, but right now I'm there to win and I'm there to bash Gal and he's not my mate at the moment. Because I'm about to fight him. There's no friendship until the game's over.
Yeah, because after the Mundine fight with him and Horn, he came out and said it was all hype, you know, all the argy-bargy that they had at the weigh-in and all that. That was all for show just to get a bit of publicity. How much of that do you reckon is true? Yeah, well there's a fair bit of it, you've got to hype it up a bit so people can come in the fight.
But as you're at the start, it's sort of friendly-friendly, but as you're going and you get close to the fights, that friendship sort of gets out of the window because you're about to take my head off. I'm not going to be your mate. You've got to take my head off. So even though we are sort of mates, but I still want to bash him and win the fight and there is no sort of friendship at the moment.
Now you, like you said, it was eight years ago since you were in the ring and you've been in the public eye for quite a while. How old were you when you started playing professional football? Because for someone who's just been tuning into this fight, they could think that you're 60 years old, but you're young, you're fit, we're looking at you now, but you must have been in your teens when you started. I was 18. I was 18 when I played first grade.
Okay. What, and that was back in 2001? Yeah. My tonguing passport was back in 1970, but my Australian passport says I was born in 74. Yeah, it was 1993 was my first, first grade game and it was a very long time ago. Because you put on such a stamp on the game that, you know, it felt like you'd been there forever. Yeah.
I've been retired now from 40 for about 14 years or the NRL retired me 14 years ago and I'm still getting hammered, you know, I'm still in the public eye where most guys who've retired at the same time as me, unless they're in Fox Sports like Matty John's and that where people are seeing him all the time, you're just out of the picture, no one knows who you are. It doesn't help that you've got some pretty handy sons, they're pretty good at footy. Yeah, it's true, but I still get a bit of publicity and sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad, but in a good sense, people still know who I am and I still get a lot of free stuff and I'll take any free stuff there is because when you've got 11 kids, you take anything for free. And people still know who I am, so I'm still getting discounts here and there, which is a good thing. But then sometimes you just like to go about your job or whatever you do during the day without people noticing you and stopping you and talking and talking about fighting or football.
So 10 kids. 11. 11 kids.
You must have almost been 17. I was 17. 17, right.
So the kids came before the footy. Yeah. I was 17 when they had the ball. At the time, I thought it was the worst thing I've done, but it's the best thing I've done. Me and Will and my second one, Jamil, we go places with my boys and they think I'm one of the brothers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's just the best thing I've done. I've grown up with the kids. I'm having been where you see some families where the dads are too old and the kids are too cool for your dad because they're just too old. Barnaby Joyce, you know, that kind of thing. You're too old and you look like a grandpa than a dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was happy I did what I did.
I should have stopped now, but my youngest is eight months and that was out of the blue. My number 10 is six and so I was firing away there for four or five years.
Nothing's happening. I thought I had Christmas balls, only there for decoration, but they still work.
Let's go back to the NRL retiring you prematurely, you think? Yeah, well I did that tackle. I think I played on Galloway. I think I should have played in the 70s where if I did that tackle back in the 70s I would have been carried off as a hero instead of being sent off as a villain. It was the tackle that went wrong.
There was no intention to hurt him, but not in the way that it happened. I wasn't trying to take his head off. No one intentionally tries to really hurt someone and get sent off and lose his contract and finish his career.
Oh, there was nothing in it. Yeah, well it was a split second. A little if I didn't jump as high I would have been a perfect shoulder charge.
Well, it sounds like your lawyer didn't do a good job at the tribunal then. He fucked you. Maybe I got smashed for 18 weeks.
That's a long time. Yeah, that's a long time.
I thought I'd get a bit less. I thought I'd get like 8 to 10.
That's the last shoulder charge I've ever done. Now the first fight we ever saw you in was against Matty Singh, wasn't it?
Origin.
I tried to get Matty Singh because he was smaller. Danny Moore, who was my centre partner at Manly, came in to try and stop it. But he had a marine jersey on and come origin time, I hate marine jerseys. And so he's a good mate of mine, Danny. And he came to try and stop the fight.
But it was just the wrong time. He was just the wrong time, wrong place.
There were a couple of brothers and brother-in-laws playing each other that fight. Because that was one of the biggest scraps we've ever seen. Yeah, that was in Melbourne that time. And yeah, as I said, Danny's a real good bloke.
Just the wrong time and just had the wrong jersey on. I just saw red and just started punching him.
Well, that's the thing. And we can thank Galen for the reason that they're not allowed to throw closed fists in the state of origin anymore, can't we? Yeah. It's almost like a couple of bounces, just having a fight, you know, with open palms. Yeah, it's a trap. Boys will be boys.
You have to fight. Let him fight. No one gets hurt because no one has had a throw, the punch probably. Just let him punch on. Get out of the crowd cheese when there's a fight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one ever complains about it after the game. They say, oh, that was no good for the game because they had a fight. Everyone loves it. It tends to turn the game into another gear as well, doesn't it? Yeah.
The only people who don't like it usually are journalists. Yeah, the journalists.
Who haven't actually had a game of rugby before. Yeah, never had a fight before. And they've never been in a fight before.
But the fans love it. How good was that fight? The journalists and the guys that sort of run the game, they've never laced a pair of boots on. But they know how to do it. Yeah, they're good at bringing revenue in. But they want to have a clue about what the players have to do on the field.
Now you, 200 games in the NRL. Yeah, I think it was 214 or something. 214. That's a lot of games. You've got a hell of a career there, including matches you played for Tonga as well. Yeah. Well, I could have been in the 300. With the 300. I've got 40-something from the NRL, suspensions. Manly give me 20. Just internal ones. So there's 60 games there. You could have played more games than the Crushers, mate. Yeah. And then Adelaide Rams. But yeah, I want to hit the 300 mark.
But all them suspensions didn't.
And me and Will. I would have retired in 2008 when they won their comp. I would have been 34. And Will would have been at the club. He would have been in the 20s and we would have been the first father and son playing at the same club at the same time. So he would have been playing in the 20s. Lebron. Would have been like Lebron with his little fellow making his way to LA. And it would have happened.
But then everyone didn't like that. They kicked me out of the game. You've done a lot of marketing for the game. Even with the suspensions. With the finger thing, I took the game global.
All I was doing was raising awareness for prostate cancer. Prostate cancer is the biggest killer of men.
All I was doing was checking. I was going for my degree as a doctor. And because I was playing footy, I didn't have no time. I did a lot more practical on the field. And I took the game global.
And they should have paid me. They should have suspended me. But people in India were calling me the finger man. Even people in India knew what rugby league was because of me. So they should have been thanking me instead of suspending me.
If only David Gallop knew that. Yeah, that's right. But as I was saying, I was raising awareness for prostate cancer. It was the biggest killer for men at the moment.
But I didn't like it. How many suspensions did you get for that? Because the NRL wouldn't have really known how to navigate around that particular foul.
Yeah, well they did it. Well, the version, I got 12 weeks. But the video they sent me, it looked like I was just giving a wedgie. So I went in there saying, it was a wedgie. And then when I got in there, they hit me with 12 different angles poking my finger in it.
And just smashed me. I just went, oh crap. So that's what the white flag was saying, I'm gone here.
But that same field, they said that's the only video we got for you. One version. It was a crap version. But that same field, a year later, I got headbutted and my nose was bleeding. It was in the scrum. And the only version they had up in the bird nest. You couldn't even see the scrum. But that's the only version they had at that time. But the ref said, I got kneed and I was bleeding. But that's the only version they found.
Do you reckon there's anyone who probably deserved more? Like, did you ever play with anyone who probably should have deserved to be banned more?
Yeah. They did better than you politically with the game. I don't know. I know there was a couple of things that McDougall did a tackle which was like mine. It was a couple of weeks after my one.
He got nothing. You probably just couldn't hear it from the commentary box.
Adrian Morley too. Adrian Morley, yeah. I like Adrian because he's a tough bastard.
He did go there to hurt somebody not intentionally try to take him out completely. I can't say no one should have got what I should have got, but I thought I got treated a bit different than everyone else. Not saying it was my colour but my finger just goes just as personal as it was. A colourful character and I didn't want that.
And you know, you kind of been in the headlines I guess for 40, 20 internal suspensions. For everything, man.
Now, you live in Deewi. There's a big Tonga community in Deewi. Have you always been up that way? Yes, I've always been around so I've been Deewi and I've always been around the same area. I grew up here. Moved out of Campbelltown when I was 14.
They mainly got me back when I was 16. It was lucky they did get me back because I would have been locked up 100% locked up. Doing dumb things that you shouldn't be doing. I was happy they got me back and I got married when I was 18. So there was another blessing in disguise because if I didn't I would have been inside.
And I wouldn't be the person I am now if I never got married and Manly never got me back out of Campbelltown. So have you seen any other Tongan guys come up through the actual Northern Beaches at 2 Play for Manly?
Yeah, as I said, my son.
There's been a fair few Islanders come through. One thing about us Islanders is that training is not a big make-up. We're not too good at training. We're getting better at it. It's more like the second and third generations have grown up here. They're just growing up in the system. But when I come through there was me, Solomon and Mano Ruben, we could use under 10 of us I think. But now there's 68% in the juniors at Islanders. But I've seen a few come through and I just couldn't make that next step.
Talent, great talent. A lot better than what I was. But just talent in there to get you so far. You've got to be able to train. And I'm lucky my boys I don't have to push my boys to train.
Will's pretty disciplined. Yeah, he's very disciplined. To go and do that sabbatical that he did you've got to be disciplined to do something like that. Another son who just returned sabbatical a week ago.
I didn't go. I didn't fit none of the criteria. Were you raised Mormon? Yeah, I was raised Mormon but I was just no good. Elapsed Mormon. Yeah, I wasn't a very good Mormon there for a while. And they just I never fit the criteria.
Will is a good kid. He's always been a good kid.
You said that in interviews as well. You were the crash test dummy. Yeah. And then your boy is now the safe model. Yeah.
My motto is do as I say not as I do. So I do all the dumb stuff. You guys don't follow what I'm doing. Because it gets you nowhere.
So it's more like me just being who I am. And then you look at it and go I want to be like Dad. I want to be better than Dad. And that's what I want him to be. Well it's a multifaceted family.
So your daughter is playing? Yeah, I've got a daughter that plays league as well. She's 14. She plays in the 16s. She goes alright. So hopefully she's got a future there.
One plays basketball and surfs. And the other one just looks at herself in the mirror all day.
That's about it. She might make the most money out of all of you though. She's our babysitter.
Now you said you want to get these blokes that gave you your final suspension in the ring after Gal. I'd love them to be my next opponent after Gal. All four at the same time I reckon. I'd be all four of them.
I went in there had my spiel really. They really had their verdict. Because they said go outside. I was outside for five minutes. They had a four page typed up verdict. And you don't have that really in five minutes. They had me for ten years.
You had another one. Another sensational moment. Another good bit of marketing for the game.
When you were playing for Manly and you got caught playing fifth grade rugby union. Was that just to help out some mates? Well it wasn't. I was only fifth grade. The problem was the team that we played were coming first. And the team I played for were coming second last or third last. I played Manly on a Sunday. It was a public holler. I wanted to play for these guys. I had a headgear on thinking I'd be sweet. That was who I am.
Playing fifth grade union. From first grade. From first grade NRL to like crash tackling bankers and shit. Fucking doctors.
I think they would have known who you were. Well I thought the headgear would cover me. But my big jaw gave that away. Maybe because I set up the winning drive. I made a bit of a bust. I just off loaded and be scored on the hooter.
How much experience had you in union?
I played rugby when I was a kid. But the league called me once. But I played rugby every year. I played first grade. I played in all the tournaments. I played every year. But I never told Manly. They called me only because that team lost. But I played every year. I never got caught.
I can say it now because I'm retired. In an interview the other day with Hello Sport I can say it now.
I was out on the cross every night. They told me not to. I was out there just because I knew if they caught me then someone else was out there. They'd have to iron up. And chocks down the trifter because I worked in the cross. Nice to see me all the time. You weren't the rat.
What would be the most dominant code in Tonga? Is it league or union? It was rugby. Up until the World Cup in 2017 where Jason Tarmololo, Andrew Fede all these big names made the shift over to Tonga. And Tonga's gone bananas over league.
It's the first time the government gave money to league. Because before they gave nothing.
It was all for the rugby. Rugby was our number one game. But now rugby's on the back burner. Leagues just picked up all the supporters in America. When the World Cup was on Tonga's from all around America watching.
Hey docs. Because in order to make any money in union you've got to head over to Europe. It's a bit of a dump. But you've got to go higher in Australia as well. Where in league you can come to Manly and earn a good crust. Yeah if you're good enough.
Rugby was always the number one code. Up until 2017.
You would have played a big part in that too. You would have encouraged a lot of young Tonga kids to start playing league. Yeah I don't know how much I had input. The players I sort of asked them to come back.
But you know money, loyalty does not pay your bills. My loyalty to Tonga but if I'm getting their money and my kids are not eating I'm going to jump to Australia.
So it was a massive move for these guys and all the money they were missing out on. But it was lucky because these guys were on massive contracts with their clubs. They made it easier. Where the test matches didn't really even though it would have been good to have that money but they were really making really good money.
There's been a lot of defections. Like in the last since 2017. Like all the boys that played Fustua, Taoke Aho, Solomon Nakata, all these guys are first graders playing for their clubs, playing for New Zealand they've all just jumped ship and come back to us. And now they're getting paid a wage now and they're getting money with their last test they've got five grand. And it's not as good as flights.
Yeah well five grand is not as good as 20 grand but I'll take five grand and play with my own. Get 20 grand and play with the Australians. I've got nothing against Australians, great blokes but it's just not the same when you play with your own kind.
We laugh at anything and everything and everything is just like a joke to us because it's probably not good to say but if someone kicks a dog we laugh. Like a white man, oh he can't kick a dog that's our pet. Where we will kick a dog and we will laugh. Sense of humour.
I mean training must be so fun for those guys when they head over. Well it is. Even our coach said the way we are you could never do this at an NRL club because we're so laid back but we know when to switch on and when training, we know it's training. But then after we wouldn't even know we're there to play a game we just joke and muck around the whole time. Yeah just imagine if you went from the Broncos home to Apia and then like you'd been there with Wayne Bennett just the most humourless straight laced bloke saying don't kick my dog and then you go over time.
But in saying that I can't play it under Wayne but everyone that's played under Wayne really likes the bloke. No he's great and he's particularly good with wild young kids. Yeah well he loves the wild ones. He brings a lot of room in because he gives them an opportunity but everyone I've heard that's played under Wayne they all love him. I don't think Wayne likes the media so he just comes with his straight face and doesn't give a crap about me. But he's completely different when he's with the players.
So who else can you see out of the players now that could potentially make a bit of a fighter? Have the Fafitas any of those boys had a fight?
No.
I wouldn't say Fita would be a good fighter. I think my six year old just beat Fafita.
Bam Bam reckons you could take them both at once. Yeah. Bam Bam reckons you could take them both at once. Bam Bam can take a lot of people on at once. But yeah nah.
I couldn't really tell you unless you see him in the ring. Unless you see him in the ring.
But most footy players go alright once they're taught because they're in the contact sport so they sort of pick it up pretty quick and they love having a dig. And they're not scared to have a dig.
And it's like Gail he's had eight fights but you can't bag anyone that's jumped in the ring. There's a lot of armchair boxes out there. Particularly when Mundine's fighting. There's no everything but they will never jump in the ring. You can't give it man. Sonny Bill because you say the same thing Gail's fighting people that haven't really had a fight before and Sonny Bill did a bit of that. Can you actually see a fighter in him?
Yeah.
Sonny's a heavy weight I think and I think he's good but he's got to stop trying to fight like Choc. Because he's nowhere near as quick as Choc. He hasn't got Choc style. Sonny is a great build for a boxer. He's tall. He's got the length. He's got the reach. But I think he's just got to if he doesn't try and when he first started because he was making Choc he was trying to fight like Choc but I don't think it suits him. But I still think he'll be a good fighter if he changes style.
Well mate, what do you think is going to happen? What are your predictions for the match? What round?
Mate I'm saying it's going to be early. It's got to be he's going to finish him off early.
Because the longer it goes it might be better for him because he's so fit. He's never really been hit before and he's been stunned a couple of times but the guys he has fought killing how to finish it off because they were sort of this new in the game. And they weren't boxing fit. In which they sort of just went backwards instead of coming forward trying to finish him. I think that Joseph Paulo that he fought from Canberra, the prop if he was a bit fitter he would have beat Gao. I think he would have beat Gao. But it's just because he wasn't boxing fit. He was footy fit but he wasn't boxing fit.
But I think I'll beat Gao early. You're going to come out explosive. And plus I've got a charity match the next day. In Cherbourg. A charity footy match in Cherbourg. Oh right so you're flying the next day. Yeah so after I've finished I'm going to try and save my energy. I'll bash Gao for finishing him off early and save all my energy for the next day because I've got a charity match. Are you fighting in Cherbourg?
No I'm playing footy. They can't stop me. We have Australian legends. We're all the ex-players.
We travel the countryside and play the best of that country town so we're going to Cherbourg. Well Ranof's just not from there. He's from Mergan next door. There'll be some legends out there though.
We do a few. We do 67. We do 67 of them a year. And we love it.
It's all for charity. So as I said I finished Gao off early and saved my energy for the game the next day. They can't stop me playing these games because it's charity. So I'm allowed to play in them.
And then a couple days later you'll be playing 5th grade down there in Naravan. For the Marlins. All the rats. I'm a Marlins man so I'll be playing for the Marlins.
Thanks for joining us John. All the best. Thank you boys and thank you for having me on your show. No worries mate. Good luck. He's coming for you Gao.
Now that was John Hoppawaty. Very kind of him to do the interview with us and actually quite an open book. It wasn't the arrow. There wasn't much he didn't want to bring up or talk about. We appreciate that and our guests. No he certainly didn't hide behind that big red flat cap of his. He bared his soul for us Clancy and indeed the people of the Channel Country. I'm sure they appreciate everything he told us and I'm sure the entire state of Queensland is behind John.
Yes he used to terrorise us back in the 90s. State of origin era but he's been out of the game for a while and he's about to knock out hopefully. But possibly not but either way he's going to be throwing punches at the former Blues captain that we all remember much more recently.
Yep. Well we're just coming up to the top of the hour here. So we're going to have to bid you farewell for another week. Until next time my name is Errol Parker.
Stay out of the pokies. Never talk to the police without legal counsel present. They're not your friends. They will ruin your life.
And I'm Clancy Overall. You be kind to each other.
To us because it's probably not good to say but if a dog gets if someone kicks a dog we laugh. Where to a white man oh he can't kick a dog that's our pet. Where we will kick a dog and we will laugh.
Sense of humour. I mean training must be so fun for those guys when they head over. Well it is.
And even the KLK said the way we are you could never do this at the NRL club it was so laid back and just but we know when you switch on and when training we know it's training but then after you wouldn't even know we're there to play a game because we just joke and muck around the whole time. Yeah just imagine if you went from the Broncos home to APO and then like you'd been there with Wayne Bennett just the most humourless straight laced bloke saying don't kick my dog.
But he's insane I can't talk or play it under Wayne but everyone that's played under Wayne really likes the bloke. Yeah yeah no he's great and he's particularly good with you know wild young kids. Yeah well he loves the wild ones. He brings a lot of them in because he gives them an opportunity but everyone I've heard that's played under Wayne they all love him. I don't think Wayne likes the media so he just comes and gives a straight face and doesn't give a crap about me. But he's completely different when he's with the players.
So who else can you see kind of on the ad of the players now that could potentially make a bit of a fighter do you reckon? Have the Fafitas any of those boys had a fight? No No No I wouldn't be saying Fita would be a good fighter. I think my six year old just beat Fita. Bam Bam reckons he could take them both at once. Yeah Bam Bam can take a lot of people on at once But yeah nah I couldn't really tell you unless you see him in the ring Unless you see him in the ring yeah but most footy players go alright once they're taught because they're in the contact sport so they sort of pick it up pretty quick and they love having a dig and they're not scared to have a dig and it's like Gal he's he's had eight fights but you can't bag anyone that's jumped in the ring. There's a lot of arm chair boxes out there. Particularly when Mundine's fighting.
There's no everything but they will never jump in the ring.
So I can't give it Sunny Bill because you say the same thing Gal's fighting people that haven't really had a fight before and Sunny Bill did a bit of that. Can you actually see a fighter in him? Yeah well Sunny's a heavy weight and I think he's good but he's got to stop trying to fight like Choc because he's nowhere near as quick as Choc. He hasn't got Choc style. Sunny's a great build for a boxer. He's tall, he's got the length, he's got the reach but I think he's got if he doesn't try when he first started because he's so good at making Choc he was trying to fight like Choc but I don't think it suits him. But I still think he'd be a good fighter if he changed his style.
Well what do you think is going to happen? What are your predictions for the match? What round?
I'm saying it's going to be early I'm going to finish him off early because the longer it goes it might be better for him because he's so fit. He's never really been hit before and he's been stunned a couple of times but the boxer guys, he has fought killing how to finish it off because they're sort of this new in the game and they weren't boxing fit in which they sort of just went backwards instead of coming forward trying to finish him and I think that Joseph Paolo that he fought from Canberra, the prop if he was a bit fitter he would have beat Gao. I think he would have beat Gao because he wasn't boxing fit he was footy fit but he wasn't boxing fit but I think I'll beat Gao early.
You're going to come out explosive. And plus I've got a charity I've got a charity match the next day in Cherbourg a charity footy match in Cherbourg Oh right, so you're flying the next day. So after I've finished I'm going to try and save my energy I'll bash Gao for finishing him off early save all my energy for the next day because I've got a charity match for you. Are you fighting in Cherbourg?
No, I'm playing footy. They can't stop me. We have Australian legends. We're all the ex-players.
We travel the countryside and play the best of that country town. So we're going to Cherbourg.
Manoff's just not from there. He's from Murgan next door. There'll be some legends out there though.
We do a few. We do like 67. We do like 67 of them a year. And we love it.
It's all for charity. So as I said I finished Gao off early and saved my energy for the game the next day. They can't stop me playing these games because it's charity. So I'm allowed to play in them.
And then a couple days later you'll be playing 5th grade down there in Narrabon or something. For the Marlins. All the rats. I'm a Marlins man so I'll be playing for the Marlins.
Thanks for joining us John. All the best. Thank you boys and thank you for having me on your show. No worries mate. Good luck. He's coming for you Gao.
Now that was John Hoppawaty. Very kind of him to do the interview with us. Quite an open book. There wasn't much he didn't want to bring up or talk about. We appreciate that and our guests. He certainly didn't hide behind that big red flat cap of his. He bared his soul for us and indeed the people of the Channel Country. I'm sure they appreciate everything he told us and I'm sure the entire state of Queensland is behind John.
Yes he used to terrorise us back in the 90's. State of origin era but he's been out of the game for a while and he's about to knock out hopefully. Possibly not but either way he's going to be throwing punches at the former Blues captain that we all remember much more recently.
Yep. Well we're just coming up to the top of the hour here. So we're going to have to bid you farewell for another week. Until next time my name is Errol Parker.
Stay out of the pokies. Never talk to the police without legal council present. They're not your friends. They will ruin your life.
And I'm Clancy Overall. You be kind to each other. |
cracked | the_unexpected_downside_to_superhero_secret_identities_action_team | Okay. What is that? I mean, silence your phone because we're working, but what is that?
That's this new dating app and I am blowing up on it. Ooh, no thank you. Dating apps never really work for me.
Yeah, I can see that. Apps that make you lead with, like, your face and body and don't let you write and really sell yourself. Don't play to my strength. Wait, what do you mean you can see that? I mean, I could see that.
All the things you said. I figured that was the reason dating apps didn't work for you. Your face. You didn't need to tell me why.
But the app crowd is loving Blastman. Jesus. You mean they're loving John Evermann. I do not. These people are all about Blastman's profile.
You're dating as a superhero? You're dating outside of your secret identity? Yeah, I mean, of course I am. Well, I'm gonna run the risk and going out there as John Evermann and falling in love with somebody that then I have to lie to about my superhero status? Pass. Dating with a mask on is the only honest thing you can do because then they know you've got something to hide.
That was wise. That was wise of me. I don't think it was.
But separately, you're not, I mean, doesn't it bother you that maybe some of these women are only attracted to you because you're a superhero? Like they're attracted to your fame and not the real you?
That doesn't make any sense.
I'm famous. The real me is famous.
It still kind of feels like maybe you're taking advantage of your superhero status for dating. To me. Maybe I'm old-fashioned.
Lori Linane is in trouble. Jesus, again? Didn't you just save her from a plane crash? Well, now she's in some kind of hostage situation.
I should go. Oh, no, no, look. It's all the way across town. The black rays is already over there on his patrol. I'll just pick him. No! I mean, he's closer. This is why we have patrols, right? Just hold on.
It's just that Lori is still kind of reeling from that plane crash. And before that, she was in that earthquake uptown.
Plus, it doesn't sound like things are going great with her boyfriend right now. He's a trainer, I think. Sounds like he doesn't listen to her. Anyway, I just feel like if she's gonna be rescued by someone, it should be by someone who understands what she's dealing with and makes her feel comfortable.
So... Holy rusted s***. What? You're trying to f*** Lori. No! She's a citizen in danger and I'm doing my duty as a superhero. Uh-huh.
And that's why Lori happens to work at the exact same paper as your alter ego. Wow, newspaper? Not blog? What year is it? We work together.
That doesn't mean I'm in love with her. I didn't even say that.
Come on. Okay.
It also says here that you rescued her the last six times that she was in danger. One of those times because she fell asleep near a lit candle.
How closely are you watching this woman? If I see too closely was the answer. If I see a dangerous situation, I fix it.
I can't believe that you gave me s*** for dating with my mask on. This is so much shadier.
No, we have a connection. Both me, Tempo, as her superhero and me, my alter ego as her co-worker slash friend slash confidant. Okay. Which one of you did she tell about her boyfriend problems? Tempo mostly, but I also feel like she was putting out a vibe about it at work. So both?
Oh man, this is gross. This is so gross.
You are a thousand percent worse than me in terms of using your superhero status to get laid. It's not just about that. Oh really? Okay, so you'd settle for just a close friendship and a deep emotional connection, but never f***. That's certainly what I'd like you to think of me. You burnt pervert. It's okay. I mean, you're just like me. No. Your thing is worse.
Hey, good news, great news. Lori saved now and the hostage situation is resolved and she is full on having sex with the black razor. Feels like this rescue really gave her the push she needed to break up with her boyfriend, huh? What's the great news, huh? The second part, the sex part. I mean, this is great for him. Oh, yeah, I see now why I should have said good news, bad news, given your situation, but I feel like sex for anyone, anytime is just great. I just need your call and I went with it. Hey.
Thank you for watching. If you like this, share it with your friends. If you hate it, share it with your enemies. If you subscribe to us on YouTube, you'll get all these videos more conveniently for free. Thanks for sticking around. |
cracked | 5_spongebob_secrets_nickelodeon_wants_buried_under_the_sea_canonball | SpongeBob SquarePants is one of those classic, timeless ideas. A sentient, fry-cooked sea sponge who works at a restaurant owned by a crab whose daughter is a whale, and lives in a sub-aquatic pineapple with a meowing snail. It's no wonder such a universal concept captured the world's imagination for 268 cartoon episodes, three theatrical movies, a Broadway musical that reveals SpongeBob would look like Ed Grimly if he was a human, and of course, an official SpongeBob-themed Toyota Highlander. Because when you hear the word highland, you think of the sopping wet depths of the ocean. SpongeBob has been on the air for 22 years now, so he must be doing something right.
Right? Probably, but we'd rather talk about the opposite.
You know, the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that Nickelodeon wishes would disappear from the zeitgeist entirely. Like, but ugly Martians. We're talking about SpongeBob's canonical love of stolen panties, the X-rated secrets hidden in an official SpongeBob game, and the sexy bikini-bottom Sir Mix-A-Lot crossover that nobody demanded. This is cannonball. SpongeBob himself may be an innocent little underwater angel, but the people behind him are very human, and humans are known for pulling some dastardly, confounding crap. For example, Iran's SpongeBob censorship and bizarre bootlegs. Iran has an intense love-hate relationship with SpongeBob SquarePans.
On the one hand, they think the show is so depraved, they go frame by frame, drawing dresses onto characters in bikinis. Okay, granted it's more of a purple blob vaguely shaped like a dress, but that's a tremendous amount of work, just to make the characters look like tragic victims of underwater pollution. Why not just add a CGI fence over Sandy for the entire episode? That's what they did when they wanted to cover Will Ferrell's bulge in Talladega Nights.
See?
Much class Weirdly, it's not the maritime nudity Iran censors object to, it's the mere existence of bikinis, hence this clip where they tried to make Sandy look less perverted by making her go topless. Such is Iran's fear of bikinis that, according to the SpongeBob Wiki, and we have no reason to question their authority on the subject, some Persian dubs even censored the word bikini from the name Bikini Bottom. So now the characters are all just in some anonymous bottom, though almost definitely David Hasselhoff's. And yet the Iranian people love SpongeBob so much, networks will splice footage from the show into music videos. And honestly, some of them kind of slap.
But the apex of Iran's sponge-related weirdness is SpongeBob in Tehran, an all-new, all-illegal, 43-minute movie currently available for purchase and streaming only in Iran. The film was made in 2017, but appears animated on a circa 2001 Playstation 2. The plot is about SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward taking an underwater plane to Iran to find a missing cook who can recreate the Krabby Patty formula. Why is this cook in Iran?
We're never told. But judging from his photo, I'm gonna guess the answer is drug-related.
SpongeBob and friends spend most of the movie stuck in traffic and trying out Persian food at different restaurants. So far, it sounds like your typical Middle Eastern vacation. But then an underwater, furry version of Sherlock Holmes shows up to help him find the cook, only to take SpongeBob and Patrick to a soccer match instead.
After the match, the cat detective casually mentions that, oh yeah, he found the cook at some point and the movie abruptly ends. That's how every movie should end, right? An animal in a trench coat announces they resolved the entire plot off-camera. Roll credits!
Nickelodeon had a nice run, but SpongeBob belongs to Iran now. Besides, Nick kind of lost the moral high ground back in 2003 when they created this canonical abomination. Number four, SpongeBob and Patrick perverted panty thieves. Only two SpongeBob SquarePantses have officially been banned by Nickelodeon, according to popular animation news blog The New York Times. The first is called Quarantine Crab, about SpongeBob's workplace being quarantined after Mr. Krabs is infected by the highly contagious clam flu. Nick pulled the episode from the schedule in 2020 because of everything I just said. But some countries went ahead and aired it anyway. Keep in mind that this was made in 2019, before we all learned that shooting your tongue at someone infected with a powerful virus is unsanitary to say the least. The other banned episode is Midlife Crustacean from 2003, where Mr. Krabs joined SpongeBob and Patrick on a boy's night out, in an effort to stave off the grim specter of mortality.
After some lame activities, Krabs is about to bail when Patrick says, I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid. As if he knew that he's in a cartoon and not an 80s sex comedy, Mr. Krabs asked to clarify. You're talking about raiding their dressers for their underpants, right? Instead of immediately calling the cops, Krabs enthusiastically joins in on the depravity. So here we have three beloved cartoon characters, plotting a sex crime. You might expect the wacky twist to be that Patrick doesn't know what a panty is. Like, maybe he misheard the word, patty? But no, the writers take us down a dark, psychosexual journey into hell. The trio grab a ladder and head off to raid some panties.
They go in a house, find the... And celebrate, but they're too loud, and the owner of the house comes into the room, and huh, she sure looks a lot like Krabs. Because it's his mom. Krabs, or Eugene, as Mother Dearest calls him, turns to his comrades to ask why they didn't tell him it was her house.
Their chilling response... There are many layers here, each worse than the last.
When they're breaking in, Patrick and Spongebob say, we're panty professionals. We score here all the time. So Krabs was tricked by his employees into stealing his own mother's frilly panties, an action that is 100% sexual, and something these two goons routinely do.
This is the kind of thing that would make Sigmund Freud point at the screen with a trembling finger, his mouth frozen in a silent scream, blood streaming from his ears. This scene would appear in a movie, only as a serial killer's origin, or a nervous virgin finally coming out of his shell. And the most disturbing part?
He's popular. He works in the industry. And if you squint, he kind of looks like a small portion of fries.
Doing fast food ads starring Sir Mix-A-Lot also makes sense because he likes big butts. In 2009, Burger King apparently couldn't pick between these two valid options, so they said screw it and went with both at the same time. This resulted in one of the most cursed commercials ever to hit the airwaves. I like the square butts and I cannot lie, Squib and Seastar can't deny. Oh, but this unholy crossover between Spongebob, Mix-A-Lot, and Burger King's creepy The Purgesque mascot isn't limited to a single ad. No, the company also went ahead and produced a full 2-minute 22-second music video for their Spongebob-themed cover of Baby Got Back, complete with generous shots of young ladies shaking their square pants, as the king raps about how horny he is for Spongebob's most iconic feature. That said, for a self-described connoisseur of square butts, the king seems strangely unaware that most of these are rectangular. But hey, as Mr. Awat says, meaning that yes, Sir Mix-A-Lot would definitely bang Spongebob, in case that was a question that ever entered your mind. When it was pointed out that using sexualized versions of an innocent children's character to sell hormone-laced beef to kids isn't the most ethical thing ever, Nickelodeon and Burger King insisted that the ads were aimed at parents. That argument was slightly undermined by the fact that the meal being advertised is called BK Kids, and the ad specifically mentions that you get a toy with each one, but we still have yet to hit the darkest depths of this canon.
Number 2 In case you forgot, there's a surprising amount of suicide jokes in this show. For a cartoon that's ostensibly about the happiest goddamn sea creature ever to exist, Spongebob Squarepants relies a little too heavily on suicide humor. For starters, they had an entire episode about Squidward, whose basically Charlie Brown meets Eeyore in terms of sunniness of disposition, getting depressed and doing stuff like sticking his head in the oven to take out some brownies.
Or standing on a stool and hanging a rope from the ceiling to lift the birdcage. Another episode had a weird aside about the guard at a medieval times-type place, seemingly trying to find the courage to off himself with his own spear.
He ultimately decides against it, in a way that may have been intended as hopeful but certainly doesn't come off that way. Someday, but not today.
And then there's the episode where Mr. Krabs spends weeks mentally torturing his nemesis, Plankton, until he decides to lie down on the street and wait for a car to run him over. He spends practically the whole last third of the episode embracing death, with tiny but open arms, while Krabs laughs at his pain.
Spongebob writers just really, really like suicide jokes, huh? Maybe spending two decades writing the same dumb characters isn't as cool as we all thought. Damn, Spongebob writers, are you okay?
Yes! I'm okay! Great, glad to hear it. Okay, we gotta end it on something a little lighter.
Number one, someone hid Spongebob porn in an official video game. Spongebob has starred in over 50 video games, from the one where he teaches kids how to type, to the one where he beats the crap out of April O'Neill. One of those games is Nicktoons, Attack of the Toybots, for Nintendo Wii and PlayStation 2, which features an adorable looking pink bear called Mr. Huggles. But if you use a hack to unlock the game's camera and look on the back of Mr. Huggles' box, you'll see that it contains some very non-adorable messages, like, I'll kill your parents.
And, you'll never sleep again. Though honestly, no sleep is a pretty hollow threat for a six-year-old hopped up on sugary cereal.
And anyway, that easter egg is downright wholesome, compared to the ones found in Spongebob Super Sponge for the PlayStation 1. When the company that developed it went under, their source code was sold and released online, allowing nerds to dig through the game's mysteries, the most benign of which was a file called SpongebobShitList.doc, which consists of a frustrated developer listing all the shit that needed fixing, like how the jellyfish are fucking awful, and how some enemies look like shit flavored ice cream. Then come the kinkier, stinkier mysteries, all of which were named some variation of the word naughty, like Spongebob spiked cod peas here, or Spongebob exploring Patrick's starfish, only for Patrick to betray him by clapping Sandy's cheeks.
Hey, can we get some of those shapeless purple modesty blobs over here? Can I get one?
Thank you. Hey, thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. Let us know in the comments if we missed any of the darker, more sinister crevices of Bikini Bottom, and try not to dwell on that imagery. Verify.
You're talking about raiding their dressers for their underpants, right? Oh yeah. Instead of immediately calling the cops, Krabs enthusiastically joins in on the depravity. So here we have three beloved cartoon characters plotting a sex crime.
You might expect the wacky twist to be that Patrick doesn't know what a panty is. Like, maybe he misheard the word patty?
Jackpot! Oh yeah! And celebrate, but they're too loud.
And the owner of the house comes into the room, and huh, she sure looks a lot like Krabs. Because it's his mom. Krabs, or Eugene, as Mother Dearest calls him, turns to his comrades to ask why they didn't tell him it was her house.
Their chilling response, Why didn't you ask?
There are many layers here, each worse than the last. When they're breaking in, Patrick and SpongeBob say, We're panty professionals. We score here all the time. So Krabs is tricked by his employees into stealing his own mother's frilly panties. An action that is 100% sexual, and something these two goons routinely do.
This is the kind of thing that would make Sigmund Freud point at the screen with a trembling finger, his mouth frozen in a silent scream, blood streaming from his ears. This scene would appear in a movie only as a serial killer's origin, or a nervous virgin finally coming out of his shell. And the most disturbing part?
This still isn't the most inexcusable sexualization of the sponge. Number three, the SpongeBob Burger King Big Butts controversy. SpongeBob and fast food ads are a combination that makes perfect logical sense.
He's popular. He works in the industry. And if you squint, he kind of looks like a small portion of fries.
Doing fast food ads starring Sir Mixlot also makes sense because he likes big butts. In 2009, Burger King apparently couldn't pick between these two valid options, so they said screw it, and went with both at the same time. This resulted in one of the most cursed commercials ever to hit the airwaves. Oh, but this unholy crossover between SpongeBob, Mixlot, and Burger King's creepy The Purgesk mascot isn't limited to a single ad. No, the company also went ahead and produced a full 2 minute 22 second music video for their SpongeBob themed cover of Baby Got Back, complete with generous shots of young ladies shaking their square pants, as the King raps about how horny he is for SpongeBob's most iconic feature. That said, for a self-described connoisseur of square butts, the King seems strangely unaware that most of these are rectangular. But hey, as Mr. A lot says, meaning that yes, Sir Mixlot would definitely bang SpongeBob, in case that was a question that ever entered your mind, when it was pointed out that using sexualized versions of an innocent children's character to sell hormone-laced beef to kids isn't the most ethical thing ever, Nickelodeon and Burger King insisted that the ads were aimed at parents. That argument was slightly undermined by the fact that the meal being advertised is called BK Kids, and the ad specifically mentions that you get a toy with each one, but we still have yet to hit the darkest depths of this canon.
Number 2 In case you forgot, there's a surprising amount of suicide jokes in this show. For a cartoon that's ostensibly about the happiest goddamn sea creature ever to exist, SpongeBob SquarePants relies a little too heavily on suicide humor. For starters, they had an entire episode about Squidward, whose basically Charlie Brown meets Eeyore in terms of sunniness of disposition, getting depressed and doing stuff like sticking his head in the oven to take out some brownies, or standing on a stool and hanging a rope from the ceiling to lift the birdcage. Another episode had a weird aside about the guard at a medieval times-type place, seemingly trying to find the courage to off himself with his own spear.
He ultimately decides against it in a way that may have been intended as hopeful, but certainly doesn't come off that way. Someday, but not today.
And then there's the episode where Mr. Krabs spends weeks mentally torturing his nemesis, Plankton, until he decides to lie down on the street and wait for a car to run him over. He spends practically the whole last third of the episode embracing death, with tiny but open arms, while Krabs laughs at his pain.
SpongeBob writers just really, really like suicide jokes, huh? Maybe spending two decades writing the same dumb characters isn't as cool as we all thought. Damn, SpongeBob writers, are you okay?
Yes! I'm okay! Great, glad to hear it. Okay, we gotta end it on something a little lighter.
Number one, someone hid SpongeBob porn in an official video game. SpongeBob has starred in over 50 video games, from the one where he teaches kids how to type, to the one where he beats the crap out of April O'Neill. One of those games is Nicktoons, Attack of the Toybots, for Nintendo Wii and PlayStation 2, which features an adorable-looking pink bear called Mr. Huggles. But if you use a hack to unlock the game's camera and look on the back of Mr. Huggles' box, you'll see that it contains some very non-adorable messages, like, I'll kill your parents.
And you'll never sleep again. Though, honestly, no sleep is a pretty hollow threat for a six-year-old hopped up on sugary cereal.
And anyway, that easter egg is downright wholesome, compared to the ones found in SpongeBob Super Sponge for the PlayStation 1. When the company that developed it went under, their source code was sold and released online, allowing nerds to dig through the game's mysteries, the most benign of which was a file called SpongeBobShitList.doc, which consists of a frustrated developer listing all the shit that needed fixing. Like, how the jellyfish are fucking awful. And how some enemies look like shit flavored ice cream. Then come the kinkier, stinkier mysteries, all of which were named some variation of the word naughty. Like SpongeBob's spiked cod peas here. Or SpongeBob exploring Patrick's starfish, only for Patrick to betray him by clapping Sandy's cheeks.
Hey, can we get some of those shapeless purple modesty blobs over here? Can I get one?
Thank you. Hey, thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball.
Let us know in the comments if we missed any of the darker, more sinister crevices of Bikini Bottom. And try not to dwell on that imagery. |
dropout | stop_making_guns_so_sick | No doubt about it. Guns are a serious issue. In 2015 we saw 372 mass shootings alone. The solution is simple. We have to stop making guns.
So sick. Wow. Look at these sick guns. I know it's bad. I just can't shake the fact that I still think guns are fucking sick as hell.
Take this gun. Beretta 9mm. This is a cool gun.
Look how awesome it looks. Look how awesome I look now that I'm holding it.
So we decided to do this. So now as you can see this gun sucks. It's orange and covered in killed away children's stickers. Is this a hand-me-down from a little brother? It's decidedly less sick. Wow. Talk about a truly sick gun. It's like something they'd use in the movie SWAT. And we all know you either SWAT or you're not. Looks like this gun is no longer SWAT. It's 100% not.
Hell yeah, dog. Dirty Harry anyone?
We'd ruin this gun by adding these like dumb ass Mickey Mouse ears. We also poured grape juice on the gun so it's like really sticky and gross. Clint Eastwood would hate this gun.
Ch-ch-ch-ch. Click.
Cool. This version now requires a stylus. Also the moment you pick it up your mom calls you. What the fuck? God damn. This gun is fucking sick as hell. Look how big it is. We taped the bookie pretty much to it. Also there's now a little speaker that makes fart noises when you hold a gun. This is the coolest thing I've ever seen. And it's like heavy. But now it has toe shoes and I instantly feel embarrassed. There you have it. We can effectively end gun violence if we stop making guns. So fucking sick. Click right here. You can pretend like you're holding me and I'm a tiny person. Whoa.
Let me down. |
TheOnion | Nation_Annoyed_About_Having_To_Spend_Long_Weekend_Away_From_Work | Obama weighs his Syria option, military experts advise the president look at America's long glorious history of successful bombing campaigns, and the conflict intensifies as bears enter the war. We require you to wear a jacket and tie to view this video, but your full length evening gown is certainly acceptable too. This is the Onion Week in Review. Following yet another long enjoyable week at their places of employment, Americans across the country reported being annoyed today about the prospect of spending a long holiday weekend away from work. According to a Zogby poll released this morning, 30% of Americans said they were already feeling the burden of the impending three days without work responsibilities, with well over 50% saying they preferred spending the last few days of summer surrounded by their bosses and co-workers, adding that they quote, can't wait for Tuesday.
A report on obesity rates released this week by the CDC confirmed that millions of courageous Americans continue to overcome the media's persistent pressure to be thin. Researchers told reporters that while the vast majority of film and television continues to portray thin, in-shape people, over 30% of Americans remain resolved in their effort to stand up to idealized images of men and women. Every day people are inundated with unvarying images of slim men and women, but millions of heroic Americans continue doing their best every day to maintain VMI's 35 or higher. These people aren't afraid to fly in the face popular culture deems acceptable and bravely eat and drink whatever they want, whenever they want.
According to employees of local technology firm Halvorson Enterprises, CEO Peter Weathers has a unique talent for recognizing great ideas and absolutely ruining them. Long time Halvorson employees say they're continually impressed by Weather's ability to water down promising ideas with meaningless jargon, consistently choose the wrong person to head up every project, and inject virtually every halfway decent thought with his own short-sighted and terrible insight. For as long as I've worked here, Peter has been able to sit down in a meeting, listen to a million different ideas, pick out the one that makes the most sense creatively and financially, and then totally destroy it until there's basically nothing worthwhile about it left.
He's remarkable. And in this week's op-ed pages, CNN.com's managing editor explains why Miley Cyrus's VMA performance was their top story Monday. In other news, the nation's single men announce a plan to change their bedsheets by 2019, a woman who left the room crying earlier expects to jump back into the party just like that, and a courtroom artist is clearly infatuated with the bailiff. This two and a half minute long session of immersion therapy is finally complete. Your crippling fear of watching video news recaps should no longer be a problem. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | what_s_inside_bernie_sanders_pockets | I'm Bernie Sanders and here are the items I carry inside my pockets. This is the shoe horn I purchase to help me put on certain shoes more easily. Studies show very few people enjoy the act of unwrapping a candy. Here is the tiniest piece of data to which I refer. If I take a note on the data that turns out to be wrong. In college I was known as Bernie Hankachief. How many trees have to go down so we can blow our nose, okay?
The penny is the one cent of the ninety-nine percent. We have not seen the last of the penny.
Mark my words. I carry the shirt in case I get an opportunity to exercise. Look at that. Brooklyn College.
When I'm not enjoying a minor league ballgame I listen for patterns in the static and the static is controlled by the top one percent. I had a tastefully patterned Dixie brand cup but it fell through a hole in my pocket. My second bag of Werther's candies comes with a big fat stinky joint because I also like to feel the burn. I don't always use this to calculate statistics. Sometimes I just use it to write boob. I never met a boob I didn't like except for Donald Trump. Sick burn. Two things I like. Rolling pennies and rolling doobies.
Let me down. |
dropout | The_Italian_Backstreet_Boys_Biggest_Hits_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm recently separated. And I'm one spicy meatball.
Our top story, who was the cutest cutie boy in the Backstreet Boys? Was it Lance Bass? Or was he an NSYNC, actually? Or was it Nick Lachey? Or was he in 98 Degrees? Or was it another NSYNC Justin Timberlake? Was it J.C. Shazay? Was it Lil Wayne or the Hot Boys?
Was it juvenile? We don't know. It might have been BG. Excuse me, recently separated, but did you know I was in the Italiano version of Backstreet Boys? Really? Vero. We were called the Bacastrita Boys.
Wow. That's beautiful. What hit songs did you have? Oh boy. We had the Multohittos. One hit was, hey cheese, it's a little bit different here. The second one was Sometimes a Man Will Just Touch You. And the third one was Beautiful River, Beautiful Smile. Oh damn, I remember that one. Oh really? Didn't it go like this? A beautiful river, beautiful smile. Don't let a man just touch you. Sometimes it happens, but that don't mean it's right. Wow, muy bien. Oh, so beautiful.
Oh no. Sigourney? Recently separated. Sigourney Weaver, what's so wrong? I'm sorry, this is so unprofessional. I'm just not dealing with the separation well.
Well, you know what we say in Italy. Everyone's polyamorous. Wow, they say that in English.
I just miss my partner so much. Everything reminds me of them. This microphone, this reminds me of them.
Because they used to work here. And like that one time where they covered that story about the earthquake that set off the bank alarm systems or turned them off. So people just started stealing the money from the banks, including the employee. That was a crazy story.
Excuse me, I'm getting important breaking news. Fortune, the fortune teller is here. That's right, it's me, Fortune the fortune teller. Welcome. Now, you famously don't use tarot cards to tell fortunes, is that correct?
You're absolutely right. I use this. Now I'll give you both full one minute long readings. Okay, Italian person. I don't remember your name. If you can see, I picked it up upright and that means that it's pointing to the sky and the heat is to the right.
That means you're in hot water. Oh, no. Yeah, you're in trouble.
Someone's coming for you. It might be a man. A man is going to try to touch you real soon. A man is going to touch my hips while trying to cross behind me at a bar.
Oh, no. And Backstreet Guy, I don't know your name either.
Recently separated. Oh, yeah, you're recently separated.
It's so crazy that your name corresponds to your position in life. But speaking of positions in life, this iron is how much I earn for a living. So what does that have to do with? I earn a little bit more than you actually, but it's mainly because I'm in the field and I'm telling your fortune. Anyway, you're not going to earn as much as me this year.
I think that's a minute. Wow, I'm starting to feel like my old self again. Thanks, Fortune. And God bless you both. Well, that was nice.
I actually asked someone else to come on today. You did? Who?
I heard you're going through a breakup. It's true, I am. Well, what I always tell my girls, Mary Kate Ashley and Elizabeth is the best way to get over a breakup is a glow up.
I want you to pick up the sexiest thing in arm's reach. Oh, no. Now, what's so sexy about that? This is well, obviously, it's a selfie stick and a tripod and it's sexy because it's got three legs. The legs are the sexiest part. So the more that that you got, the more sexiness you are and the head expands. Oh, saucy. I love that for you. But is it sexier than these two things?
Huh? And. Huh? Ooh. What the hell is that?
It's a sponge, baby. These are so hot because see this, you can rub slowly, rub your lover's back, especially when they're super dirty. It's both relaxing and cleansing. And this now what's more intimate than picking your toenails in front of someone? What's sexier?
You're bending down. Things are hanging out. You're on the ground. Things are flying.
Now, this is the smells of toenails is honestly an aphrodisiac. Mm hmm. Maybe you're right. I am. All you need is a little fun and a little flirting. I'll show you how. Oh, my God. Two beautiful suits you two are wearing. Oh, la la. Let me ask you this. Do you two have the cutest cheeks or am I just on drugs? I like that I knew you were flirting by the ooh la la. Anyways, what are you two doing later?
Anyone want to go to the malt shop and get some drinks? The malt. I'll pay for them.
Mamma mia.
The malt shop. No, no. Don't fall for that.
Well, I have to go spend time with my famous daughters now. I love being a father. That's all the time we have for the day.
But before we go, we'll tell you that this week's loser is. Ali. Fuck you. Hospitaliano. |
TheOnion | Biden_Announces_Plans_For_Extra_PlayStation_5_Controller_In_Case_Someone_Visits_Nation | President Biden has announced plans to purchase an extra PlayStation 5 controller in case someone visits the nation. Biden called the initiative a bold new era for the country's multiplayer capabilities that would prepare it for any potential guests looking to play couch co-op or local multiplayer. The president also said that he has already instructed the Commerce Secretary to go to Target with $69.99 to purchase the DualSense controller, and she should be back before noon. Biden added that he hoped to expand the initiative by purchasing a multiplayer-ready game like Madden or It Takes Two before the year 2030, while admitting that the U.S. government currently only possessed the latest streets of rage in terms of stuff any visitor could play. Biden later went on to announce plans to immediately purchase a Domino's Pizza and a liter of Mountain Dew in case anyone who stops by gets hungry.
How did you find out he was cheating? We were having sex. And all of a sudden he yelled, I'm not thinking of your name. I'm thinking of another person's name. It's the person I'm cheating on you with, but I'm trying to be sneaky.
Their name is Cassie, and I like sneaking behind your back with them. I'm so sorry. Cassie, Cassie, Cassie, Cassie. Oh, I want to be with her so bad. Ah, I know that your name is Jesse, but again, I didn't say it because my head is with Cassie, Cassie, Cassie, Cassandra.
This went on for five minutes. He convinced me it was an innocent mistake. So then we dated for another six months. Then I caught him having sex with his car.
Two years ago, I had an abortion. And while I still think each individual should have the right to decide what to do with their own body, I also think it's important for me to share my own experience. Because I'd be lying if I said I don't have any regrets. I regret my decision to have an abortion and not stop for an eminemic flurry afterward. I'll probably regret it forever. I never wavered in my decision to terminate my pregnancy throughout the procedure, but looking back now, I find myself wishing I had taken a little more time to weigh the pros and cons of picking up a cool, tasty treat for McDonald's on my way home while I was already out and about. I think I was just so overwhelmed by the concept of choosing between Oreo and M&M at the time that I wasn't thinking straight, and I ended up making a hasty decision to drive straight back to my apartment empty-handed. Sadly, I now see that was the wrong choice for me.
Unfortunately, it's one that cannot be undone. Logically, I know that there's no use agonizing over the past when the outcome cannot be changed.
And of course, there's still a chance I'll go on and have more McFlurries in the future when I'm 100% ready for one. That'll be great, but sometimes I let myself wonder if things worked out differently. What might that M&M McFlurry have been like? Would it have blue M&Ms? Brown ones? Would it be large or small? I guess it doesn't matter now, because that exact mixture of chocolate candy and vanilla soft serve that I would have eaten that day will never exist, and it's all my fault. I'm trying not to cry, but that thought makes me really, really hungry.
I told myself it wasn't the right time. It didn't seem convenient to wait in line at that point in my life, but is there ever a right time? I should have just bought it then and decided afterward whether or not I could finish it, when at least I could have given the rest away to someone who knew they wanted one. These are the questions I find myself asking now, now that it's too late. It's easy to put off grabbing an M&M McFlurry when you're young and naive and think it won't be your only chance to have one.
Then you wake up one day, and you're too old to eat that kind of stuff, and you have no one to blame but yourself. No woman should have to go through that. |
SaturdayNightLive | birthing_class_video_screening_snl | Okay guys, over the last few weeks, we've talked about epidurals and other pain management options. but how many of you are planning a natural birth? I really want to do natural childbirth, but my husband keeps fighting me on it. hey, as long as they still give me drugs for it, I'll be fine. Well, people all over the world choose natural childbirth, and it can actually be quite beautiful. hopefully this tape will encourage everyone to give it a try. Oh, what kind of tape is that? it's a Vhm tape. it's like a Vhs tape, but they only use it in French-speaking Canada and Portland.
Victor and Leilani are expecting their first child. Leilani and Victor have chosen to have a home birth here in the Yurt they built, with the insurance money they received from their previous Yurt file.
Victor coaches Leilani through sounds that will help her relax and open herself. See how calm that guy is? Of course he's calm. he just heard on the radio that the Vietnam War was over. instead of using narcotics, Leilani releases her pain through focused breaths into her partner's mouth. Oh my God, they are exchanging so much curry breath right now. the surge of her own body's chemicals send Leilani into a euphoric, almost erotic state of unfolding. that is the dirtiest thing I've ever seen, and I'm talking about the bottoms of her feet. when Leilani feels ready for the ecstasy of pushing, Victor removes her tunic. hey-oh! Ferme la bouche! is that her? does she have a standard poodle in her lap? Free from the constraints of a hospital bed, the papa's on couch allows Leilani to experiment with what birthing position is most comfortable for her. yeah, if she can try any position she wants, that baby's not coming out without a weed wacker. having children in the room is a comfort to Leilani, and a reminder of the beautiful new life about to rip her perineum.
Why are they making their children watch this? No, wait, they said this was their first child! whose children are those? My God, they're in Halloween costumes! Oh, that is some murky business. as a field of poppies blooms almost all at once, Leilani's birthing calls catch the ear of another woman in the area who is ripened with child. Come on, lock your yurt! There were less people than that at our last garage sale. these two moon sisters, in complete synchronicity with nature and their bodies, assume a position where they can deliver each other's child. The Devil make this movie? does this play on a flat screen in the lobby of Hell? wait, wait, hang on! this part ain't so bad! the women start an instinctive call and response. nope, never mind, still terrible. at us! With one final yet gentle push and a mutually quiet and shameless bowel movement, Leilani and Indica bring two healthy boys into the world. Victor and Jazarus are joyful beyond words. wait, what? are those iphones? when was this made? I recorded this last week. in this next section, they cook the placenta in a wok. No, negative! no! |
cracked | the_inevitable_future_of_each_superhero_universe_after_hours | Cut to act three. It's like a million years in the future. He's bored. Like, he's watched everyone that he loves die over and over and over again. He knows what we're all about, but he can't see the point.
I mean, he's been in control of this planet. He's protected it for so long.
But why? For who?
Don't you think he's going to start to wonder and like, what could this planet become? What could this kingdom become?
Boom! Alien dictator. Then a group of plucky humans band together, they rediscover the formula for Kryptonite, they kick him off the planet, then he's floating around in space saying the King Lear speech, blah blah blah. Superman meets the Godfather. Okay, well, I thought it was a pretty solid pitch. You got a title for it?
Superman, Uber-olus. Superman is good. Okay, Jesus. Superman is incorruptibly good.
That's his whole main deal. Your pitch for a movie is, what if we corrupted him? My friends are banging on Superman again.
I understand completely. Thank you.
You're just jealous because you didn't think of it. I'm just jealous that I can't live it.
Possessing remarkable physical strength, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth and justice. A Supermanocracy would be great. A monarch who actually was all-powerful, a dictator who actually had an extraterrestrial claim to the throne and who we could trust to rule us justly. An authority figure that would never let us down. Sign me up.
You'd submit to alien rule. If the alien was all good and all-powerful and looked like Brandon Rauf. But he's still an alien. Humanity's destiny would be warped by an outside alien force.
Don't you want to see what we can make of ourselves on our own? No, Lex. I don't.
I want the most amount of good for the most amount of people. And Superman gets me that. You're like one of those people in the Matrix that just wants to stay in the Matrix. Humanity is affected by outside sources all the time. Gravity, light, the cosmic rays that make me want to dance, dance, dance.
Okay, but none of those things are sentient. I would rather turn the Earth into a burning ball of garbage than give it over to some parental alien figure, okay? At least it would be our burned-out ball of garbage.
Plus, you're putting all of your survival eggs in one basket. Eventually someone's going to scrape together enough kryptonite and then you're going to be a leaderless planet who's lost the person who's protected you for the last thousand years to the point of atrophy. That's true. I'd probably be jumping off tall buildings just to meet dictator-for-life Superman. He'd catch me and I'd be all, I'm not really suicidal.
Can you sign some shit for my kids? You guys have no faith in the system. I'm telling you, blind adherence to authority is how you get ahead in life. As the embodiment of that authority, I just have to say that I couldn't agree more.
That's why I want to live under the X-Men government. You mean Sentinels? Registration? Yeah, you want to live in the midst of a brewing race war? Because I got good news for you. No, we're talking about the forms of government that will result in the end. Okay, in Superman's present, he is a really good helper monkey, but his future may well be king of Earth. Not so in the X-Men universe, where the powers are evenly distributed among a wide diverse group of people. Human people. Oh, here it comes.
Magneto was right. Magneto is right. First, Magneto is right because he kills Nazis with flying daggers. Second, Magneto is right because he says that the world belongs to the fittest.
I can pass that law and they'll have you in chains with a number burned into your form. Just ask the Neanderthals. Oh, no wait, you can't because we used our superior upright gait and tool use to starve them off the face of the Earth.
Which is good because... It's not good. It's not bad. It just is.
Whether you think it's cruel or fitting, dominance will always flow to those best suited to fit the needs of their age. In this case, people with mutant abilities. So you actually want to live after the inevitable race war when the side with literal magic powers obviously wins and the surviving humans are gathered together on a reservation at the X-Mansion so the mutants don't feel so guilty about what they did. And I'm a mutant. That's important.
I have claws. But like four claws. No, every hand has six claws and I have six hands.
What you're describing is a craterocracy. Rule by the strongest. It's what the Klingons do. You basic. Klingons are a proud spacefaring people. I prefer oligarchy. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what it is because you're taking a crucial resource, in this case superpowers, distributing it semi-arbitrarily and then letting the segment of the population with the most resources control all the laws. Yeah, but unlike a normal oligarchy where the ruling class is just backed by money, we're talking about a world where the head of state got there by being clairvoyant. Where the Department of Defense is run by a guy who can scream fireballs. Every mutant is their own president and everyone is a mutant. It's like libertarianism or an aristocracy, but everyone's an aristocrat. Every man a king.
Did you seriously just quote Huey Long in your bid to prove that mutants should enslave humanity? I mean, not enslave, but replace, yeah. So your plan requires the wholesale slaughter of millions of people whose crime is that they failed to develop super mutant abilities?
Growing pains. I'm not even sweating it. Slaughter the humans and spine. Good God.
I don't see how you don't end up destroying the world real fast. I mean, you're talking about not just nations having nukes now, but any individual on Earth developing nuclear-level capabilities at puberty. Even if you think the world's a safer place if everyone's carrying around pumpkin-shaped grenades. Oh, which I do. You're talking about assigning grenades of varying power at random. Even to the guy with shitty abusive parents who follows the ISIS Twitter feed. That guy hits puberty and suddenly he can teleport. No background check required. Yeah, but he knows that everyone around him has powers of equal or greater severity. It's a deterrent.
But you'd still have people with the same amount of differences of opinions as we have now, today. People would still be getting into the same fights over politics on Thanksgiving.
Only this time, Uncle Jerry could mentally poison the stuffing and no one would know. Mutantly assured destruction. Crimes would be unsolvable. No one jail could hold any group of people. The world would just be a constant battle zone of lasers and tornadoes until everyone was dead. Meanwhile, we're over here in the human reservation having a kegger and it's going fine.
See, that's why Batman is the only realistic pick. Gotham is not an ideal place to live by a long shop, but at least they don't kid themselves about the world being a dark place. There are a lot of evil people out there, and we regular folk need the rich to step up and start beating them on our behalf. How is that different from the Superman world? You just put a less powerful, more emotionally unstable guy in charge. No, but the fact that he is less powerful is actually a benefit. One of Batman's defining features is that he knows that his rule will end. These conversations used to end with an unusual request. I'm retired. The Batman is an idea. The Nightwing Robin and Other Robin and Dead Robin will eventually take over. I mean, you're not pledging your fealty to some actual guy or to an alien. You simply respect the office of the Batman.
The Batman in this case being whichever billionaire is doling out justice on the mean city streets. I would respect Warren Buffett a lot more if he stopped the occasional mass shooting. So you'd have to be rich to be the Batman. You'd have to be rich to be president.
Yeah, but the Batman mythos consistently says that the only reason those villains that play Gotham exist is because he exists. Without Batman, crime has no punchline. They are his shadow.
Why would you want a political system whose very existence generates enemies abroad? You mean, like, all of them? Look, I'm saying all I want is a symbolic position filled by a capable individual with lots of resources at their disposal that does the people's will. Okay, it's a democratic republic, which is just like we have now, except in my version, the president dresses like a bat and throws smaller metal bats. Yeah, it's so exclusive, though. Why can't everyone have metal bats to throw?
It's given to people who are willing to work hard and innovate. Creativity is highly rewarded and there's no barrier to entry. Peter Parker doesn't have to be some billionaire to invent web shooters.
He just wanged him out in his apartment with whatever he had lying around. Same with most of Spidey's villains. Dammit. I can't believe this isn't mine, but he's right. Doc Ock, Mysterio, the lizard, goblins of both the green and hob variety, all wrapped up around a theme that inventing gadgets of immense power is apparently very easy. See, I always took that as a warning, though all of his villains are technology gone awry. I mean, even Peter himself. Radioactivity turned him into a heated freak. I mean, the public don't respect him and he feels constantly out of place. But I don't want to be Spider-Man.
I just want to live in the country that results from the rules of his universe. Which is a place where anyone can decide what super power they want, then go home and build it. Or expose themselves to radiation for a known super power-fying effect. No one group or ideology stays in power for too long because biased media like the Daily Bugle ensures the public hates the people saving them. Yet, there's a constant new supply of people to save you because all you gotta do is go home and staple two sheets of metal together and now you're electro. It's a true meritocracy. It's more like a technocracy. But unlike mutant powers, where there's no reasoning behind who develops what power, in this system people rise and fall based on their willingness to work hard and innovate.
Or be near radiation. Which would also be cool. You're taking the thing we fear most, nuclear holocaust, right? And turning it into a positive. Because now it gives you super powers.
Yeah, but it'd just be chaos. You're talking about a country filled with people who have devices that do god knows what and they all hate each other because the media told them to. It may be a technocracy for a while, but anarchy wouldn't be far behind. Anarchy was from Batman.
He wasn't in Spider-Man. Such a shame. Well, forget it. Forget everything. See, that's the problem with the X-Men universe too, though.
It would just devolve into chaos. Maybe you can't trust humans with superpowers and expect there to be a good outcome. Maybe you can't trust humans at all and expect a good outcome.
Well, I don't know if anyone actually won there as much as we accidentally revealed our deepest political beliefs. What about Captain America? A society where everyone in America is unjustifiably patriotic and our only response is aggression? We have that now. About Iron Man.
Comment below. Feel encouraged to, in fact. And hey! What unique superpower would you have, if you could, that has not been used before? No.
Eight claws, ten claws, twelve claws, the sky's the limit. So many claws. Thirteen claws. The sands of claws. Laser eyes that shoot claws.
That's a good one. |
dropout | awful_deathbed_confessions | I'll never forget you. David! Before I go, there are a few things I need to get off my chest. Yes.
I think the zombie stuff is totally played out. I only reblogged those undead superhero pictures to get followers. They're completely unoriginal at this point. It's alright, sweetie. We've all told lies to fit in online. It gets worse.
I like Diablo 3. I liked it more than Diablo 2. That's an interesting opinion, but I'm sure a lot of people enjoyed the simplified killing. I liked it because you could play it on Xbox.
I've never been a big fan of bacon. Everyone loves bacon. It's fine. Nothing special. Breakfast just isn't my thing.
I got you bacon flavored salt for Christmas. Why would someone want to smell like bacon? Because bacon!
I think Neil deGrasse Tyson tries too hard. He's a big science teddy bear. And he wants everybody to know it. Did you see his tweets about gravity where he picked it apart for being scientifically inaccurate? It was obnoxious. Don't talk about Neil deGrasse Tyson like that. Speaking of Neil's who tried too hard, I could do without MPH hosting every event ever.
Barney is the worst character on How I Met Your Mother. No! Ted Mosby is the worst character on How I Met Your Mother. Barney is way more annoying.
I'm awesome. When I'm sad, I just get awesome instead.
I told jokes like that when I was 12. At least he's better than Bill Murray. What? He's a mope. If Wes Anderson didn't like boring characters, his career would have ended at Space Jam. You're just trying to hurt me. Buzzfeed catches him crashing a couple of kickball games, and everybody loses their shit.
Stop it!
Why? Because you don't like the man you really married? You were a monster. I'm glad Bill Nye the Science Guy was voted off of Dancing with the Stars. He's a shitty dancer. You are an absolute bastard! One last thing. I strangled a cat! |
SaturdayNightLive | funeral_saturday_night_live | And even though I only knew Mr. Bearwald for a short time, I will treasure my memories of him for the rest of my life. Thank you, thank you, that was lovely. All right, we've heard a lot of wonderful stories about Joseph today, and now we're going to move our celebration into the adjoining room for soft drinks and delicious homemade nachos. Thank you to the Hernandez family for that. Yes, absolutely, of course. one last, one last remembrance of Joseph Bearwald. Hey everybody, Uncle Joey was a great guy, and before he passed away, he said I could have his watch. it's a neon green swatch. it's a collector's item and it's missing. if you have it, I'm gonna put this Ugg boot on top of the coffin, Okay? put the watch in the boot and there'll be no questions asked, I appreciate it. There we go, that's lovely. Okay, all right, so a sad turn of events on top of a very tragic loss, but now we're gonna move on, we're gonna take the, no, of course, of course. this will be the very last, I know, I heard you, I know I'm gonna do it, this will be the very last remembrance, And Fyi, there is another service in here in five minutes, So great.
Hey, my name is Graham, like the Cracker. my last name is Yost, like French toast, but with a Y, there is no A. Is there any movie buffs here? I bear no blood relation to the screenwriter of Speed, but I am currently on it. And, but I'm joking about that. I am a botanist and a standup comedian, and with the utmost respect to Joseph's wife of 31 years, I have been Joseph's secret lover for 32. and that is also a joke.
I have never met a lot of you, but I just wanna say that I will really miss Joseph, and I'll also be performing at the Comedy Shop on May 29th, 30th, June 1st, 2nd, 5th, 7th, and 25th. If you'd like a flyer, I'll just leave a stack on the casket. I know that Joseph would have wanted you all to be there every night. Great, thank you, thank you. we'll be sure to look out for your show.
Okay, so it looks like we're done in here, and I'm happy to say that. Okay, one last one, this is the last one, this is it. there is a large rodent of some kind trapped in my floorboards, and I hear it scuttling about whenever I am home alone. If there is anyone here who can kill it, I will give you the rewards of the flesh that you will never forget. Okay, thank you, that is a wonderful offer. All right, so we've really gotta move on now, and it's.
Hey, look at this. all the bear-walled cousins in one room trip on that. you know, I know a lot of you have been saying that I could never get myself a blonde. Yeah, well, turn around and take a look at the back. all of you, turn around. that's mine, a blonde. I got myself a blonde. if you guys are looking for me later, I'll be in the back, making out.
I would recommend that everyone look up the word respect in the dictionary when they get home, that would be, you're killing me. This year, I have seen so much death. my cousin Earl died in my arms after a horrible run-in with a water taxi. Mother died two weeks later in an accident for which I'm currently being framed. But perhaps the most tragic death is the death of the American Dream. because of the failed economic policies of Barack Hussein, Obama, you say his middle name, because it matters. This is a man who will be shutting down the Guantanamo Bay Detention Center, letting a bunch of turbans run willy-nilly to terrorize my United States of America. So say goodbye to your loved ones and enjoy 2009, because 2010 is going to be a bloodbath of people with all proportions.
I took the watch. wonderful, wonderful. mystery, the mystery has. what? what is that? Okay, all right, so that is it. So we're now gonna mute you.
Hello. where did you get that? my name is, but one thing I do know, sasquatches are real and very freaky. And I would like to dedicate this song to this dead person. Amazing Sasquatch, your powers are many. you walk through the woods and get photographed. you don't need a coat, but you do need a comb because your body is basically a beard. it's very good, it's very good, thank you. there's two, way here, a year, a year, a year, a year. A year are the nachos. Oh, they're right in there. Thank you so much, young lady.
Okay, so what I'd love for everybody to do at this point is just one of my show dates has been canceled, so I have to make some quick changes. I'm no longer doing the show on the seventh. I do have good news, though. we were able to add some shows in September.
No. September 4th. Okay, I'm outta here, all right. September 9th. September 8th.
Amazing nachos. the third. how zesty that is. September 14th. for delicious. two shows on the 15th. do you wanna fight? she said, oh, this is good. let's go. Yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah! yeah! |
dropout | full_benefits_hook_up | Hi, hi, so work's gonna be weird today. Yep Okay, so listen about last night I'm listening. Yeah, I didn't really have anything after that. I was hoping you'd come me off with like a shh. Wow good plan The point is this is the first time I've ever done this. I took your virginity. No Man, that would have been so awesome. I'm talking about a one-night stand.
I don't really know the protocol Okay. Well, first of all, don't call it protocol. Got it. Okay. Second of all, why are you whispering? I thought it was part of the protocol Let's keep this between us. Okay, I don't want this to be a big thing So when we go inside, let's just act normal play it cool. Definitely. So we don't have to talk about this anymore Never again Alright, well, there's two co-workers who happened to show up at the same time Maybe we bumped into each other down the block and started talking about each other's friends and families and pets. Okay This is too much backstory. I know it. Let's play it cool.
Hey guys, Streety Street. What up?
What's the Mad Haps my Mad Happer? All right, check you later. Oh bro, bro Wow, I don't know what happened. I buckled under the pressure. Okay, maybe we should just split up Actually, my desk is this way Nope, I was right the first time Alright, where the fuck is my desk?
Hey, have you seen David? What? Why would I see David? I haven't seen David I don't see David Sarah look cute today.
Ew Sarah Sarah. I personally think she looks awful.
Oh, I've never seen it either.
Hey There's no need to be rude Good afternoon Did you guys do anything fun last night or not really just went home and watch the one order until I fell asleep What the hell are you doing? It was a bird call. Okay, you don't know what a bird is. You're supposed to be cute So how long have you been out here for? Uh, about an hour.
I'm not exactly sure my watch died on me I just want to see the rest of your day one. Oh, it's nice I think we're in the clear. Cool. Yeah, and I guess that uh wraps things up If you die first That was weird, okay, I'm really gonna go now me too So what's gonna be weird for a while? Yep |
cracked | bizarrely_specific_movie_tropes_hollywood_just_created_yboc_john_wick_it | Wub wub wub wub wub wub, pecking this emergency, this dude's pooping out. Oh hey nerds, your results just got back. My name is Dr. Jordan Breeding and yes it's breeding, like what I do with dogs. Well not with dogs, I just encourage them to breed, I mean they've earned it, they're man's best friend. Whatever, welcome to another episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show that harms almost no dogs and diagnoses problems in almost all movies, and the only show on crack unafraid to explore the heaviest, hardest scenes in cinema. Good boy Marley. Today I diagnose.
Making movies is hard. You have to cram a coherent plot while rounding characters and a minimum of three flashbacks of Bruce Wayne's parents getting murdered into just 90 minutes. Movies use stock characters and recurring cliches so they don't waste 15 minutes explaining that the guy with the stethoscope is an actual doctor. I mean he's got a stethoscope, what else could I, could he be? But some tropes say more than they mean.
Movies are littered with evil politicians like back tattoos at a Nickelback concert, but somehow they're never the president. Seriously, every shady politician's office is limited to what, senator, congressman, maybe a couple of CIA directors to keep things spicy, do it, do it. Every Operation Treadstone is created and run without the president's knowledge or even his involvement. Movies like Iron Man 3, X-Men, Star Wars prequels, they all revolve around these sneaky senators and vile vice presidents and congested congressmen all abusing their power. I am the Senate. When the president is a major character, we give movies like Air Force One or Independence Day where he's this gun-toting ass-kicker clearly elected because of his sick, killed-to-death ratio.
But why?
Wouldn't it be way scarier to have an all-powerful, evil president than, what, a really mean minority whip? In real life, the American government is protected by a system of checks and balances that don't allow any one branch or faction to completely take over, but bipartisanship doesn't readily lend itself to shootouts with M16s or badass one-liners, and literally zero filibusters have ended with a president donning Iron Man armor. Americans hate Congress because they are, by definition, members of a large body forced to compromise. But Americans don't want limitations or compromise, and back-channel dealings of political doublespeak are not heroic.
What we'd prefer is one single shredded, shirtless stud in a fashionably askew tie delivering dope ass speeches about freedom and blasting undead fascist zombies in the frickin' neck. Now that is change we can believe in. Say you're a director, and you've got a character written that's so crazy.
Maybe they eat glass. No, maybe poop.
I don't know. Just cast Jared Leto. Let him figure it out.
Honk, honk, honk. How are you going to show the audience that this dude's off his rocker? You could have somebody walk by and yell, this broke, so I'm smoking the wacky-backy. This jav is bombing like bollocks, got a biggie for the crazy, this one what? Especially a concert hall. But even though your British accent is amazing, it's tough.
This movie is set in West Virginia, so I'm gonna have the headbutt random shit. There are at least two instances of Arthur Flex smacking his noggin against inanimate objects in The Joker. It's the phone booth after getting fired from his clowning job, and that asylum cage thing while stealing his mother's medical files. You might do it more, but the movie makes me sad. Both scenes mark major steps in Flex transition from a strange but friendly clown to a clown who shoots talk show hosts in the face.
You know the type. I do. But mostly, they're just there to show you that this dude is crazy. I mean, he's headbutting things. What kind of sane man does that? I mean, you know, besides literally everybody works for the NFL. Speaking of headbutting clowns, in the second id movie, Pennywise Flexes his crazy by smashing through a plate glass window with his bulbous head.
Of course, he then goes on to eat a small child, which is an activity primarily reserved for the mentally unstable, according to the DSM-5. But I've seen clowns eat dozens of children. Hundreds of times.
It's the headbutting thing that's nuts. Because my own brain is broken, every single one of these scenes reminds me of those feral zombie vampire things, and I am legend, headbutting Will Smith's various windows. I mean, even his dog becomes a vampire and almost headbutts him. Well, until... Look, I know lots of movies have Indiana Jones types, headbutting the communism out of Russians, but the difference is that while the crazy people headbutt walls, heroes exclusively headbutt people. And I don't want to argue whether or not mentally disturbed people would headbutt glass for reasons that even brilliant medical professionals such as myself don't understand. But I will say that maybe it's not the most sensitive way to portray somebody's mental illness. And more than that, if mindless vampire zombies were doing it back in 2007, maybe it's time to think of another movie's shorthand for, Woah, this dude's crazy for real, for real, for real crazy. Maybe, uh, how about this, how about your character will just unironically enjoy Birdbox the movie. That's crazy.
Look, I'm a doctor, so believe me when I say that moms are objectively hot. Stacey's mom is hot, Beyonce's mom is hot, I would assume. Your mom is especially hot. But that doesn't quite explain why so many movies based so many jokes around characters' moms being pleasing to look at. Like half of all teen comedies include a scene where an embarrassingly attractive mother flits about, shaming her child and forcing everybody else erect. And we're like, oh yeah, that's hilarious, relatable, more hot moms, more!
Go to school boys. I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby. Siffler's mom, an American pie, has the dubious distinction of being the first woman in pop culture to be reverently referred to as a milf. While on the TV front, Barney from How I Met Your Mother hilariously loses his virginity to his friend's mom, Ron to the man maker. That's sex. I'm not the man maker anymore.
A young guy being attracted to an older woman is somehow the funniest thing screenwriters have come up with since unnecessary exploitative female nudity. By suggesting it's hysterical and ridiculous for an older woman to be into a younger man or vice versa, they're perpetuating this idea that young men can and should sexually conquer any woman.
When Fez and Kelso falsely believe Eric slept with Donna's mom in that 70's show, they worship him like a god. Not exactly empowering. Eric! Oh! You are a god!
Even when it's not played for laughs, older women dating young men is almost always a score for the man, like Big 17 again and blank check, all involve minors winning the affection of women at least 15 years their senior. And then, making out with them? No, no, no, no. Despite the statutory rapiness of this whole thing, we as the audience are supposed to believe that's cool, women could possibly take advantage of a freaking 10 year old. On the other hand, every movie lady in a relationship with an older man has either been forced into it like in Beetlejuice or Lemony Snicket, or she's just this broken person like in Adventureland or American Beauty. Look mom, I really don't feel like having a Kodak moment here, okay? If a dude likes an older woman, it's funny, but if a young woman porks an old guy, there's some kind of problem in the relationship, and that's a huge plot driver.
And no, I mean, I'm not talking about stretchy old man penis, it's not right now. Later.
Boner! You got a boner!
It's the same power dynamic either way. Men dominating women may be depicted as a bad thing, but women are still essentially powerless. No matter how you slice it, men are the sexual instigators and hold all the authority in unequal age movie relationships. Whether by abusing young women or seducing old ones, there's nothing women can do in the face of such irresistible boyish charm.
Look at me. I've never been in one, and I wasn't loved as a child, but I'm pretty sure funhouses are real. I mean, why else can't movie characters go more than five minutes without wandering into one and dueling a monster?
Seriously, think about how common these scenes are. The crazy common. They're like so common.
And hey, look, that It Chapter 2 scene with all the headbutting and child eating happened in a main funhouse. That's so many freakin' funhouses! My guess is getting punched, shot, eaten, and or sensually undressed amongst distorted mirrors is supposed to be this throwback to the simpler times in the 1980s when the height of childhood fun was staring into wacky mirrors and imagining what plain Xbox will be like one day. And I guess practically, yeah, funhouse fights are gonna look cooler and more stylized than, say, a couple dudes slap-dicking in an unlit Taco Bell dining room. In fact, I bet funhouse mirrors would make even a boring old actual doctor's office look cool.
Whoa! Okay, yeah. That was pretty sick.
I guess that's why even movies not set in the 80s still absolutely have-to-have distorted mirror battle sequences, even if they're self-aware enough to realize John Wick probably is too busy to visit a carnival. So they'll be like, oh, no, Mr. Wick, it's not a funhouse. It's an art installation, or, hey, guess what? Only magical mirrors block saviors' telepathy somehow, or this apparently ridiculously well-funded and creative high school build's elaborate faux funhouse sets because the youths love dancing amongst mirror rigs, how convenient for our film! Two straight John Wick movies have Wick take a break from warning his dead puppy to engage in dope a** mirror shootouts. Honestly, if John Wick 4 isn't just one long gunfight through a funhouse mirror room, I'll be at least a little disappointed.
Are you sure? Ha! I'm just kidding! Count of you, Rock! No!
Don't hurt me.
Everything's fine. Alright, let me check. Uh, talked about how much, uh, yeah, okay. Talked about how much I want Count of Reeves to take me to a playground, use sound scientific reasoning to justify my love of mommies, and laid out my presidential platform. Yep. Looks like I hit everything.
Before our next appointment, when we diagnose why all movie dogs go to hell, guys, we can't do that! Look, you're making Keanu sad! Guys... Anyway, be sure to stop by Kathy's desk on the way out for your drugs for your fleas. Holy... Holy crap, you guys are dogs! Okay, I now see this episode might have been in poor taste. Hey Caleb, don't, uh, don't roll that last clip. Oh, yum! There's no need to complicate, just hit that bell, nid cannot wait, subscribe for me, or I will be unemployed for sure, lid cannot wait, subscribe, please. |
SaturdayNightLive | talkin_stars_jon_stewart_saturday_night_live | Welcome to Talking to the Stars with Rachel and Tracy. a show inspired by actual conversations and interactions between Rachel Dratch and Tracy Morgan. Hello and welcome to the Show. I'm Rachel. I'm Tracy. And today we'll be talking to a funny man and talk show host in his own right, Jon Stewart. But first, a segment called Catching Up, where Tracy and I catch up with what's going on in each other's lives.
So, Tracy, what'd you do last night? I just chilled out with the homeboys, you know what I'm saying? busted down a couple of bottles of Cristal at the club. drove around my baby Blue Jaguar, typical bad boy stuff. cool, cool. What about you? Dratch? What you did last night? um, I went to this Brazilian restaurant on the Upper West side with a couple Dartmouth friends. um, you should go. they have really good flan. yeah, I don't know what that is.
Okay, well, let's bring out tonight's guest, Jon Stewart. I think you're doing your thing on the Daily Show, man. keep doing you, Paul. thank you very much. Um, so, Jon, in addition to hosting the Daily show, which is very funny, you recently hosted the Grammy Awards. what was that like? Uh, it was great. I didn't really know what to expect. That's right, man. you hosted the Grammys. you got to see the Marmalade Girls up close. uh, yeah, I met some of the artists, you know.
Cristal got some new boobies, right? that's not true. I don't really, I mean, I don't know. she spent some of that cheese on some new front meat, right? I don't. um, he thinks Cristina Aguilera got breast implants and would like to know your thoughts on that. Oh, oh, uh, I'm not really good at spotting that sort of thing, so it's not really, Yeah.
All right, well, hosting an awards show of that caliber must be quite stressful. I like to get high, right? uh, no, no, I don't, uh. what? get real, Dredge. I've been backstage at those awards shows, man. the Source awards was like Weed City, Bruh. come on, tell me. y'all like to get lifted, right? well, uh, lifted. um, I find if Tracy says a word that I don't know, it usually means high. Oh, okay. um, okay. I don't really get lifted anymore, so. we got to chill some time, me and you. I'm real busy.
What, the show? Yes, yes, the show. you be doing all that investigative reporting and stuff, you know, going to the White House in Afghanistan? Yeah, you've never seen the show, have you, Tracy? it's on cable, right? Yes, it is on cable. Man, I'm sorry, man. I only watch cable for one thing, man, hardcore porn. sometimes I watch Family Ties reruns on Nick at Night. there's hardcore porn on cable? Yep. um, so, John. um, John, do you think you're going to remain on cable, or might you consider expanding to a wider market? Look at Jax pretending to be all interested in Tv markets when she's just trying to get her freak on. What? You don't care about no daily show. you just trying to be his daily hoe.
Tracy, that is Not true. Look at Jax. Started off red. Oh, my God.
I'm really sorry.
Um, okay, um, there's been a lot of talk about late night comedy shows versus news shows. your show kind of straddles the line. Yes, yes. uh, it's interesting. you like to straddle that line. All right. I am trying to conduct an interview. No, you ain't.
John, baby girl look cute, right? No, no, very cute. she's charming and very funny. So why don't you get her pregnant? Tracy! you think he cute, right? Oh, my, no! I mean, yes, yes. he is, you are cute.
No, I'm married. I'm married.
Oh, my God.
Tracy, I was, this is so embarrassing. I was not hitting on you. that's all the time we have on talking to the Stars with Rachel and Tracy. |
ClickHole | meet_the_98_year_old_animator_who_suggested_mickey_mouse_s_gloves_should_be_clean | I always knew that Mickey Mouse's gloves should be clean. I was only a junior animator at the time, but something inside me just knew that his hands shouldn't be filthy. I was originally hired to animate a cartoon where Mickey's hands were so dirty that you could barely tell he had fingers. It looked like he had dipped his gloves in mud, pulled them out, and let them dry like that. Everything Mickey touched would get slathered in a layer of thick brown gunk. One day, I was assigned to draw a cartoon where Mickey's hands became so filthy that they fell off and he died.
And that's when I thought to myself, maybe Mickey's hands didn't have to be this way. So I asked Walt Disney a simple question. What if Mickey's gloves were clean? It was like a whole new world was opened up to us. Suddenly, Mickey didn't have to leave filthy fingerprints on everything he touched, and Minnie Mouse didn't have to scream every time she saw her husband's filthy, disgusting hands which sometimes had bugs and worms crawling all over them. I remember drawing Mickey with white gloves for the very first time. It was part of a cartoon where Mickey went on a boat. Nobody on the boat died from the smell of Mickey's gloves, and Minnie Mouse didn't have to drown herself because of how much she hated Mickey's hands.
They could all just go on a boat and have a nice time. The rest is history. |
cracked | geek_week_s_global_geekery_monday_cracked_fact | Hi, I'm crack.com's Daniel O'Brien coming to you live via satellite celebrate geek week and the internet and Brainiac, which is the thing that we're doing and in the spirit of Brainiacs I have some interesting facts and crack facts for you, and I want you guys just shout out Something any subject cracks covers a lot of lot of ground so just shout something out, and I will read a fact about it Okay, I'm getting a lot of people asking about The insect Xenos of asparum. That's what the most of you shouted, so that's what I'm going to deliver Xenos was farm is a bug that attaches itself to a wasp it hacks it It goes and it burrows into its abdomen and then steers it around like a plane Then it grows for a while and then takes this zombie plane wasp carcass drives it to a bunch of other zombie In carcasses can we curse on this show we can curse on this show a bunch of other carcasses all these zombies have Have gotten together, and they have sex with each other. It's the male Parasite jumps out of its now dead zombie plane onto a zombie that's been driven by a female Parasite impregnates it and then the female one flies away to have babies inside this zombie and then just eat them So that's a thing that exists in this world It sounds made up, and it sounds like I don't know what it's talking about, but it's true. Do we have a clip? Can we roll that clip? The clips rolling now I hope and you're watching that instead of me Anyway, that's crack calm. I'm head writer Daniel O'Brien. Enjoy the rest of Brainiac geek week party period |
cracked | the_monday_night_football_promo_the_nfl_doesn_t_want_you_to_see | It's Sunday morning, rise and shine Gotta get out of bed in time So much to do, there's no time to drag Call your buds, fire up the grill Tap the keg and don't you spill Put the chips out and raise the flag Open the door, here come the boys Say bye to the wife, time to make some noise This will be the perfect day Perfect for football America, Jesus Making out with my guy friends Football America, Jesus Making out with my guy friends Football is God's gift to man Greatest sport since time began He's at the lead's fight, yard by yard Carson Palmer, Randy Moss Adrian Peterson ain't here boss Oh my God, I think I'm hard I'm hard for football America, Jesus Making out with my guy friends Football America, Jesus Making out with my guy friends I'm rock hard Where I'm from we say pleasing things We honor the troops fighting in those tanks Stars and stripes will never bleed We never bleed Obama wasn't born in the USA He don't like football and I heard he's gay Touchdown Better slip tongue to Steve Come here Steve Football America Jesus Making out with my guy friends Football America Jesus Making out with my guy friends My sweet wife, I love her so She raised my kiss She makes me whole In her arms I know how I stay But if the jets don't cover the spread This next place We're gonna have one of our talks I'm sorry, baby, no, no, no I'm sad to watch you This is the land of three I fell down the stairs Beaten chicks for football America, Jesus Making out with my guy friends Football America, Jesus Making out with my guy friends Chevy trucks, Chevy trucks Chevy trucks, Chevy trucks Chevy trucks, Chevy trucks Chevy trucks, Chevy trucks Chevy trucks, Chevy trucks Chevy trucks |
Fitzthistlewits | fitzthistlewits_plays_minecraft_episode_1 | Hi guys, it's me Fitz Thistlewitz, and I'm gonna be playing Minecraft. I've decided to cease all non-Minecraft related projects and Instead focus entirely on this masterpiece of a game. I apologize to all six of my subscribers Jimmy Billy Eric and the rest. I Know you'll forgive me because this game is worth it.
Okay, you've got you've got mining, you've got crafting. You've got trees. You've got blocks. it'll blow your mind. Okay, just it's kind of hard to explain But I think if you just watch this video, You'll get into it and we can all just Get it on with our lives.
Okay, so this game is a masterpiece for several reasons. Reason the first mines mines are a part of human history, personally Every single one of my ancestors was a miner until they reached the age of 16 to 18. At which point many of them went on to become miners. my grandfather Grandfather Eric was a miner of coal until the 70s when Thatcher shut down his mine because He was actually a member of the IRA which He was actually planning to blow up the mine, Didn't really make sense seeing as you know that it wouldn't really.. it was kind of a pointless endeavor since since the mines were being closed down anyway but you know he was a.. Renegade if you will and I do miss him to this day. He sadly passed away a Couple of years back in the Far East.
Okay, minecraft is a game where you dig That is the primary objective. Some might say the only objective if you ignore the crafting. Which is the secondary objective in my opinion some people prefer the crafting some people prefer the mining. I prefer The mining.
So here. We are digging a tunnel down.. which is Where most mines go. One of my favorite mines is the San Antonio mine of West Lincolnshire. If you're ever in the West Lincolnshire area, I will personally give you a tour of the mine. I know it like the back of my hand.
We are digging down. I just would like to remind everyone that minecraft is the best game ever and has literally limitless potential and things to talk about and I just I just enjoy it so much I if I could make love to this game I Probably would and I would I would marry it I would I would In a house of God I would Bend upon my knees because this game is the bees knees, all right? It's it's the best all right, so if you don't like it I'm sorry, but there's a there's a big yellow unsubscribe button right there Okay, and you can just fuck off all right because this is brilliant. This is the perfect experience and I couldn't be happier with it. It's.. I fucking love minecraft. I just can't describe how much I love minecraft, and I'm gonna make videos about it forever |
cracked | grimace_is_one_of_the_weirdest_mcdonald_s_characters | but the hamburglar wasn't the only food thief they invented. It seemed like McDonald's plan was to assign each mascot an item to covet and attempt to steal. Hence, we got the original grimace, a six-limbed purple monstrosity whose id was preoccupied with the acquisition and consumption of milkshakes. Ah, that's tasty! With the original spider-like grimace, though, McDonald's finally found the line at which their weird creatures became terrifying to children, forcing them to give him a regular number of limbs and abandon his life of crime, which left a massive gaping hole in Grimace's cannon, which has been filled with all sorts of insanity, most notably in an episode of the 90s cartoon The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald called The Legend of Grimace Island that revealed there's an island of grimaces and that they're a distinct species but also all related? Also, it was suggested at some point that he was a giant taste bud by a rogue franchisee in an interview, which is a myth. The official line tweeted by McDonald's is that he's the embodiment of a milkshake. A six-limbed purple monstrosity whose id was preoccupied with the acquisition and consumption of milkshakes. Ah, that's tasty! With the original spider-like grimace, though, McDonald's finally found the line at which their weird creatures became terrifying to children, forcing them to give him a regular number of limbs and abandon his life of crime, which left a massive gaping hole in Grimace's cannon, which has been filled with all sorts of insanity, most notably in an episode of the 90s cartoon The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald called The Legend of Grimace Island that revealed there's an island of grimaces and that they're a distinct species but also all related? Also, it was suggested at some point that he was a giant taste bud by a rogue franchisee in an interview, which is a myth. The official line tweeted by McDonald's is that he's the embodiment of a milkshake. |
dropout | the_breath_expert_sponsored | I'm Mike. And I'm Eugene.
And this is Will It Kill It? William Kill It. Will It Kill It?
Ah. No. I thought it was a dude. No.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am now joined by Dr. Vermont Hoover. Vermont.
There we go. Okay. Well, Dr. Hoover, you have a unique gift that you want to share with everybody. Is that correct? That I do. What I'm able to do is I'm able to tell what a person has eaten by simply smelling their breath. Wow. Yeah. Now, do you have any kind of background or education in the world of smelling, I guess, or? Most certainly. This is a fine-tuned art. I have a PhD in breathology. Okay. Those are just books. I also have a master's in sociology and a minor in physical education. Okay. Dr. Hoover, do you remember the first time that you realized you had this ability?
It was at a baseball game. Minor league.
A young girl sat next to me. Her father had gone to grab some popcorn. That's why I noticed that she began to have difficulty breathing, so I rushed her to the hospital. Sure. On the way to the hospital, I could sense it. There was a distinct smell of freshly roasted peanuts. Amazing! Because of your smell, you realized that she was allergic to peanuts. No. She was choking on a hot dog. But it was at that moment that I could tell what people were eating based off the smell of their breath. Oh, wow. Mm-hmm. Could you smell the hot dog?
No. Not at all. Really? Yeah.
Because the hot dog was still... If she was choking on it, it would be just halfway. Do you remember the part where her life was saved?
Yeah. Dr. Hoover, you are going to join Mike, and we are going to test your abilities out on the street. I'm here with Vermont right now, and we're about to get... Vermont. Vermont? Vermont. Am I saying it differently than you? Yep. Oh. Vermont.
And we're about to get things going on the breath front. Let's do this thing. He's a breathologist, and he is going to be able to tell exactly what you have eaten. So I want you to take a deep breath right into his nose.
Ah. Simple bowl of cereal, probably something wheat-related. Is that true or not? No. A couple of waffles, maple syrup, and a glass of orange juice.
You good?
What was it? What did you have?
Okay, so you're just being polite. A bit of a dry streak here. Yeah. Let's just do a few practice rounds.
A bisque. A bisque? Mm-hmm. We had breakfast together.
Pizza. Pizza bread. Pizza.
Pea steak? I don't need it.
So what we're going to do is on the count of three, you're both going to say at the same time what you ate. One, two, three. Smoothie.
Chicken.
All right, you said it, you're waiting until what she said, and then you're just repeating it. Ladies first. If you're free, don't ask the people who are stopping on dates.
Whiskey. I did have whiskey last night.
Hey man, is everything okay how great did that go today, huh? You're not a real doctor are you, no. Let me learn this week, well I learned you can't trust everyone you meet at a late night roast beef restaurant who claims to be a breath expert. Yeah, well I learned that sometimes my co-host can be a little bit overbearing and unpleasant. Well, I've learned that even if you're overbearing, liars are just liars. sometimes lying ends up being the truth you know what that's not true thanks for watching William will it will it will it kill it |
dropout | 1_000_exploding_bats | And that's why I release a new cold virus every year. Well, some people think that that cold virus just mutates, but they're all ice cream.
Sorry. I can't do it. I can't do another one of these detentions. I'm getting out of here. Hard.
Wonderful escape attempt, Bradley. Ah, I thought that would work. Why? It was a dumb plan. Well, I liked it. It's incredible what crazy ideas people concoct in their most desperate time. Or maybe Brad's just an idiot. Oh, definitely. But even the intelligent, disciplined people of the U.S. military have concocted stupid plans. Schemes so ill-conceived that they had to be completely abandoned.
What a scene. No, I don't. Huh? What? Something's supposed to happen? Uh-oh. Welcome, students, to Caro's Bat New Mexico.
The year is 1943, and that man, Lytle S. Adams, has a plan for a weapon that will end World War II. I call it Project X-ray. Project X-ray? War-ending weapon?
This sounds awesome. It is. Our plan is simple. First, we catch a Mexican free-tail bat. Bear with me. Then we surgically attach a small incendiary bomb with a timed release. Then, bear with me, we repeat this process exactly 1,040 times.
Finally, bear with me here, we put all those bats into a bomb casing and drop it over the target city. The bats will fly out, roost all over the city. And when the timer goes off, boom, fires everywhere.
It's so simple, it just might work. Simple? That's the craziest idea I've ever heard. I like it. Of course you do. Look at this guy. Isn't he just the cutest widow method of mass destruction you've ever seen?
I am the knight. You sure are. I beg me. Who is the knight? Swear to you. You are. I am the knight. You're the knight.
This is insane. How do they keep literally a thousand bats calm enough to shove them in a bomb? Adams induced hibernation by putting them in the refrigerator. Swear to me.
Alfred, where is that?
And they're actually going through with this dumb-ass plan? Oh, yes.
They conducted several tests involving over 6,000 bats. Sometimes they were hibernating too deeply and just splattered into the ground. Sometimes they weren't hibernating deeply enough and wound up in farmhouses miles away. And one time the bats were released accidentally.
Swear to me. They burned down in an air hanger on base. And the generals called. Swear to me.
In the end, they spent over two years and $2 million in testing. Then, learning the bat bomb needed another year of work, the military shut down the project. So it was a dumb plan that failed miserably.
That's right. And that's not even the dumbest miserable failure of the war. There's an even stupider plan being hatched right now on the other side of the country. Sing fast. Ah, ah. Wait, wait.
If you like that episode of What the Fuck 101, I have good news. There's way more of it on Dropout. Dropout is the new premium, ad-free, and uncensored comedy platform from College Humor. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
Swear you'll do it. Swear. Swear to me.
Isn't he the cutest little tool of Cold War espionage? Yes, he is. |
SaturdayNightLive | jan_6th_final_hearing_cold_open_snl | You're watching C-span. Can you believe it stands for Cocker Spaniel? We're now in turn to the closing statements of the January 6th Committee to investigate the attack on our nation's capital. the House Select Committee will now come to order for its 9th and final hearing. the January 6th was one of the most dramatic and consequential moments in our nation's history. So to fight back, we assembled a team of monotone nerds to do a powerpoint. I made mine with Google slides. We've been investigating this horrible attack for more than a year, but today's session is gonna be a little different. we're gonna summarize our findings, hold a history-making vote, and then, and only then, we all get to have a little treat. Aw, come on. can I have one cupcake now? No, no, no, no. it's evidence, then a vote, then a little treat. All right, I would first like to recognize the gentle lady from Wyoming, who I am shocked to say has become my best friend, Liz Cheney. Thank you, Benny. over the past few months, this bipartisan committee has presented our case to all Americans. whether you're a republican who's not watching, or a democrat who's nodding so hard, your head is falling off. one person is responsible for this insurrection, Donald Trump, and one person will suffer the consequences.
Me. you might be wondering what makes me so tough, and I ask you, who is your Dad? is it Dick Cheney? you might wonder, how do you have the guts to take on your entire party alone? And I'd say, when you were little, who tucked you in at night? was it Dick Cheney? I'd been asked, how did you get a backbone made of steel? And I ask back, for your tenth birthday, did you eat pizza at Chuck E. Cheese with all your friends, or did you shoot a deer in the face with Dick Cheney? So, yeah, I guess you could say I have big Dick Cheney energy.
Well, thank you very much, gentle Lady from Wyoming. The chair now recognizes the gentleman from California and maybe the horror movie Smile. actually, no, no, no, we're gonna skip him. too spooky. All right. the chair instead recognizes the gentleman from Maryland. Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
Leading up to January 6th, the Fbi scoured through alt-right message boards and found disturbing comments like, who wants to burn Dc to the ground? anyone got room in their car for me, ten rifles, and 30 snakes? Where do we park? is there shuttle from La Quinta in to Coo? And am I at wrong Washington, I see Space Needle?
Yet again, President Trump didn't raise a finger. And while these hooligans were ransacking our beloved Capitol, real leaders like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were bunkered in a Senate hideaway trying to save the country. Yes, hello, Mr. Vice President and Speaker Pelosi. What is happening over there? When can we get back to the Capitol and resume the vote? Hello, Doordash, it's Chuck Schumer. Yes, we still haven't received our lunch order, And yes, I did change the drop-off location through to some unfortunate treason, but it's bullshit of a hard one now. So the President is doing nothing?
This is completely unacceptable. My order, 12 bill pickles floating in the juice and a hot pastrami sandwich with very light mustards. can you hear me? I'm not afraid to leave a negative review. I am in a confined space with 30 people, and if I get an upset stomach, all hell is gonna break loose. and it continues for hours from there.
I took a cupcake. Now, Donald Trump knew he had lost the election. everyone around him knew. He asked White House Counsel Pat Cipollone, did I lose the election? and Pat said, yes. He then asked Ivanka, did I really lose the election? She said, yes. He then tried a janitor. hey, you don't think I lost, do you? The janitor responded, I do. Then the President turned to a dog and said, what about you? did I win? And the dog legit, shook its head side to side, then barked. a perfect human, No. Donald was desperate to hang on to power.
Meanwhile, real heroes like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were the ones actually running this country. Mr. Vice President, Mr. Vice President, is Speaker Pelosi here again? Tell him I'm here, too. Mr. Vice President, where is President Trump, and what is he doing to stop this? Hi, Mike, it's Chuck Schumer, I'm here as well.
Let me tell you, if Trump comes here now, I'm going to punch him in the face, right in the face, and I'll go to jail, But I'll be happy. And let me tell you, if Trump comes, I'm going to let him punch me in the face. I'll go to the hospital, Free soup.
I'm not sure Schumer needs to be in all these clips. Ms. Cheney, any final thoughts? the fact is, Trump planned to declare victory no matter the results. Look at this video of the President the day before the election. you know, the votes don't matter. I've always said that, that the votes don't matter at all, because what even is a vote? it's just a piece of paper you fold up and put it in a hat, a guy shakes it around.
And Uncle Sam, by the way, he had a great hat, didn't he? He was very tall. he borrowed it from Apollo Greed, who is a very close friend of mine. we talk on the phone every day. wives of friends, you know. he should never have died in that ring. Obama told him to fight Drago, and then he gets whacked in the head, and boom, where's the Obamacare?
So. no, no, we don't vote. we don't vote. it's open. thank you very much. Is Mike Pence dead yet? All right. I think we've seen quite enough. Let us now take a Vote. should we subpoena President Trump and force him to testify before this committee? Yes, we must. And this vote is not just an empty gesture. he will testify. that's right. he will get on a plane and leave Florida, where he is beloved, and he will fly to Washington, where he is hated, and he will answer my questions. questions like, hey, who do you think you are, mister? Trump is 100% coming, and this time he will be held accountable.
Sure, he got away with a lot of stuff in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, the early 2000s, the 2010s, and the early 2020s, but that ends now with us, because I'm. Mr. Kinzinger, and he will respect my authority. All right, well, I can already see this is a complete zero. I want to thank my colleagues for throwing away their summers and, in some cases, their careers to serve on this committee. they ain't no problem. my calendar was empty. I do have a couple regrets.
America, I don't know what more we could possibly show you, except maybe this clip of Nancy Pelosi saying poo-poo. there is poo-poo. there's poo-poo on the walls of the capitol. What's that? I said there's smearing poo-poo on the walls with poo-poo. Oh! poop-poop. See? that's what happens with too much mustard.
All right. well, we tried. it was a fun country while it lasted. And now from New York! |
dropout | marco_polo_submarine | Getting on the bridge. Maintain our bearing. 18 knots. Most common bastards will never find us out in these deep waters.
Ken, we received a message from the Russians. It's a Marko, sir. I see. Respond polo. You heard the captain. Sent.
Sir, the Russians are approaching. Damn it, they're still tracking us.
Receiving another Marko, sir. Another polo, then. Third Marko. Clever bastard. Sent a third polo.
Sir, wait. I have a theory. It's possible that the Russians are tracking our position based on these polo responses. Are you quick?
Captain. Thank you, Lieutenant, but I've made up my mind. The polo orders stand. They're locked on to us, sir. Another Marko, Captain. With all due respect, sir, I cannot agree with this decision. What are your orders, sir?
Sir, you are making a mistake. He's coming to a pitot 300 meters and closing. Can't you see what's happening? That is enough. Marko! I cannot let you do that, sir. You mutinous dog. I'm the captain of this ship. Do not send that polo. Use your fire! Invase the maneuvers.
Sir, the Russians claim that their missile has hit us. The spawn did not.
The same did too.
Bring us to the surface. You send that polo. You're relieved of your command. Approaching the surface. We're at sea level, sir. Wait, receiving a message from the Russians. Fish out of water.
God forgive me. |
dropout | my_little_brony_toy_commercial | He has a popular live journal. This is Twilight Wolf. He's an assistant manager at Costco. Each has its own secret surprise. Wow, an ill-advised tattoo. Dip their message board rants in water to make them even longer.
Wow, mine really likes ponies. And that's not all. Each brony keeps a special treasure in its cargo pocket. Wow, loose raisins. A CVS receipt for Intimates, Cookies, and Dandruff shampoo. Have adventures in the magical basement bedroom play set. It's not just for kids, for writing and animation or a top notch. Yeah, and I am in a committed relationship with Pinkie Pie. Each play set comes with over 300 pages of fan fiction. This is graphic. |
ClickHole | listening_to_these_people_talk_about_the_moment_they_became_a_parent_will_make_you_feel_things | The first time I became a parent. The moment I became a parent, I could never forget. Where do I even begin?
One day I went to the hospital and saw my wife there and she was holding a small wet man that I had never seen before. She said, this strange wet man came out of my body and now you need to love him. I walked into the delivery room and my wife was holding her daughter in her arms. The baby was so small and beautiful I couldn't believe it. And the doctor took me aside and he said to me, we've run the tests and this baby is going to grow up to rip you in half. And I said to the doctor, that's the best news I ever heard. I was so worried that I'd screw up or that I wouldn't know the best way to care for my child but it turns out I didn't have to worry about anything because the owls started feeding my daughter right away.
Soon I was showing everyone at work all the pictures of the tiny wet stranger. I couldn't stop showing them the pictures. I was always handing them a picture of him and saying, here's the wet man.
I don't know who he is and he came out of my wife's body. It's definitely exhausting. My husband and I were constantly waking up in the middle of the night to let the owls into the house so that they could feed my daughter seeds, bring her small rocks as gifts, and place a crown made of mice bones on her head. There was a lot of joy but there was also a lot of stress because I knew that I was responsible for making sure that this baby grew up to become the kind of person who could rip me in half. All of a sudden you live only to serve the small wet man. You are a slave. You need to put all of your food into his mouth. It's very hard. It gets very stressful and it's a lot of hard work, but then you see an owl look into your infant daughter's eyes and shriek. She has returned and that makes it all worth it. When a tiny wet stranger comes out of your wife, you have to cherish your time with him because eventually he turns into a big dry doofus and you have to throw things at him until you're both dead.
When my daughter grows up and finally tears me in half, I hope that she throws my right half onto the field at Yankee Stadium because I met my wife at Yankee Stadium. And I hope she throws my left half at a gorilla because gorillas are my favorite animal. I always thought that the day that my daughter was born would always be the greatest day of my life, but I was wrong. The greatest day of my life was when my infant daughter came into my room wearing her crown of mice bones and whispered the word eternity before bursting into a swarm of a thousand owls. I was so proud. As a parent, every day brings you a little more joy than the day before. |
cracked | the_terrible_truth_star_wars_fans_can_t_admit_today_s_topic | What are they Ewoks yes best part You know that you walks are only there to sell toys right what are you talking about man the whole movies there to sell Toys I will choke you to death I'm just saying the word Ewok in the return of the Jedi is never uttered once the entire film that can't be true Yeah, I read it on reddit in a readout The only reason we know the name Ewok is because the word was just splattered every damn where seriously Ewoks are cutesy annoying and toy What movies did you watch man starward the first 20 minutes of the first movie is two droids yelling at each other One's cutesy and one's annoying. They're giant toys. Okay, but I mean like the other toys were pretty cool The Jawas Yoda before we find out he's Yoda the pig-faced boogers Star Wars is full of cutesy annoying Because kids are cute and annoying and dumb like he walks by hating the Ewoks You're just projecting all your anger about everything else dumb in the trilogy I mean swords made a light called lightsabers a mysterious magical force called the force Come on the greedy guy's name is greed They're like structural themes though, you know, like like the hero's journey man It's okay to say it Star Wars is just pretty dumb and by hating on the Ewoks You're really doing a disservice to the brave little ruxpens who? Single-paudly won the war for rebels you just pissed off because you think it's lame that they included some Message about nature versus technology or Whatever didn't win the war man.
They just like hugged each other or got hugged by each other There's huggers.
There was plenty of Ewok death In fact, I'm pretty sure an Ewoks the only hero in the whole set of movies that you see alive then dying Then dead it then stay dead. It is a bummer to be an Ewok Uncle Owen and I Peru killed off-screen and reappears flaming skeletons obi-wan vanishes Reappears as a blue ghost Vader same Yoda smaller version of same Tonton Tonton is a beast that they cut open for warmth. I'm talking about heroes man now little Ewok Letting out his death rattle his best friend stands there poking him No, he's never coming back because the cold finger of mortality has claimed him But you can buy it for your kids. That's the hero's journey man all the way to the bank fine Just shut the fuck up for one damn fucking second in your fucking life It doesn't change the fact that they weren't even supposed to be in the movie All right, the Ewoks were supposed to be Wookie's but Lucas couldn't afford them.
So he cut him in half Bullshit. Yeah, I didn't know that good thing. He had the special editions, you know fix all those mistakes.
Hey, Michael. Yeah, what?
You haven't seen the special editions. They're awesome and then he just tops himself with prequel after prequel Oh All right, listen up you little fucking pieces oh, it's me sweet little Katie stole fuck you Fuck you very much.
You know what you can do for me. You can subscribe Thanks |
dropout | the_guy_who_s_way_too_competitive_with_jeremy_sisto | Man, I feel overworked.
Do you want to play a quick game of ping pong? Yeah, I got a few minutes. It'll be fun. Yeah? Oh. Are you guys thinking about playing a little table tennis? Because I am a little overworked myself and I wouldn't mind following a few sets. Uh-huh. So, hey. Um, we were just going to hit the ball around, you know, no big deal.
What? Dude, don't say that.
Respect the game. Come on. This is the game of kings.
You know, they found evidence of table tennis in Egypt. Ancient Egypt, right? Not just Egypt, Egypt?
We're playing doubles. Um, you. Oh, um, now I'm actually good. I got a milkshake going. No, you're on Trap's team, dude. Don't be rude. Let's go. Zach, you're with me. All right, listen up, fellas.
Tokyo rules. No aces.
Goofy hands okay. And I know I don't need to say it, but if you're looking to bring short pimples to this greenwood, you can get the fuck out right now. Is that, like, is that ping pong? You guys don't mind if I use my own paddle, do you? No, that's fine. Yeah.
Handcrafted by a legit motherfucking Bolivian guy. So, look at this balance. Perfectly balanced.
Dude, you've got to catch that. You're my partner. Get your head in the game. Are we playing already?
All right. Yes! Zero on.
Wait, where are our pedals? That doesn't count if you don't have your pedal. Well, are you out of your fucking mind?
Yes, that counts. That counts.
This is not the YMCA. It's not the YMCA. It's an office, man. If this is the YMCA, it'd be more efficient.
No, the point is there are no do-overs in the big leagues. Serve. Okay, that was do-over on that one. You just said no do-overs. No, did I... You just said it a second ago.
Tokyo Rules, I don't know what that means. I said Tokyo Rules. Tokyo Rules, that was my mulligan.
Serve. Yes! All right, guys, great effort.
I'm going to give you a couple of pro tips here. First, keep your eye on the ball. Second, when the ball comes over to your side of the table, hit it back, okay? Also, you might want to grab some paddles. This is just supposed to be a fun office activity.
I think you're taking ping pong a little too serious. Oh my gosh, ping pong. That's what it's called. Ping pong. This is not called ping pong, dude. It's table tennis, guys. Ping pong is an entirely different game.
It's a game that's played by babies and ladies and gravies. What's a gravy?
You know, I'm just not having fun anymore, so I think I'm just going to excuse myself. You're taking this too seriously, okay, guy? This is a game. You're acting like a little bitch. Let's see, that's... I think I'm done, too.
You're not fucking done. If you're done, then this game doesn't go on the league count, so you're not fucking done.
What league? What's a gravy? This is just like the office softball league. You know what I'm talking about. There were eight players, then I joined.
Couple weeks later, everyone quit. What does that tell you? People stopped having fun when you... Then you have commitment issues! There's no integrity!
Sir! Ow!
I'm in! I'm in a round! No Yoshis! Tokyo rules! Sir! Woo! Game! Let's go!
Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe to College Humor, and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the labs. What was that, man? |
dropout | Izzy_Has_To_Order_a_Pizza_and_Say_I_m_Hungie_16_Times | Excuse me. How many? 400. That is not possible. Okay. Four. Reasonable.
Erica. Five. Gettin' pretty silly. Becca. Six. Becca is on a crusade. Eight.
Oh boy. You look deeply upset about this. I am gleeful.
Nine. Raise it to 10. 10 it is. 11. 11 for Izzy.
I shall drop out.
Izzy. 13. I would expect nothing less from you. 14. 15. All right. That's you. Now, Izzy, you have said 15 is your number.
Of your six points, how many would you like to wager? Two. Two points.
Izzy, how many times while ordering pizza will you say, Come on. I'm hungry.
Now here's how this is gonna work. You would imagine in a production like this that we would like hand you a phone and there would be someone we know on the other side of it. Instead, I'm gonna call. You are gonna call the pizza place of your choice and put them on speakerphone. What we're gonna do in post is replace this audio with our own audio so that legally we can use it but it will be authentic to whatever happens.
How many pizzas? You know, one or two. There's a credit card you can use as well as the address of the studio. How many you're gonna eat for the next eight hours?
Hi, is this pizza? I'm hungry. Sorry. I was just wondering if I have reached pizza because I am hungry. Yes, you've reached pizza. Okay, could I place an order? I'm hungry.
What would you like? What do you think would be the best pizza to order if I'm quite hungy? I like cheese. What is your largest pizza?
But yeah, let's get an extra large because I'm hungy. I'm hungy, I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Yeah, I am hungy. So I would love an extra large cheese pizza, extra cheese, extra pepperoni because I'm hungy and garlic knots because I'm hungy and another pizza because I'm hungy, a small pizza.
Okay, where's this going? It's going to... Okay, my credit card number.
Oh, I'm so hungy. I'm hungy.
Give us like 45 minutes, I hope you can wait. Thank you. Woo, that was my worst nightmare. So glad you did that. |
SaturdayNightLive | summer_gig_snl | And so I pulled up my pants, and I said, i'll see you at work. thank you. thank you very much. Thank you, Kingston Residence Inn. once again, we are the Tres Henderson Trio.
So glad that you joined our big kickoff to summer celebration. we got a hot show to get back to. but before we do, my allergies are exploding. can I ask if anyone has a little bit of Nasonex in their purse? just a little squirt of nasonex? maybe the tiniest pump of nasonex. It would really get me through this experience. I'll put a condom on the nasal insert so it doesn't get infected. can I get that squirt? Am I speaking clearly?
I have asked for Nasonex at least 11 times. Nasonex? no? nobody has it, Tres.
Okay, fine. Tweed-o-dee-roll, Tweed-o-dee-bun. soon we'll eat hamburgers in the summer sun. let's meet the band. on keyboards, it's Brad Dates, and his last name is Dates, but he hasn't had one in six years. I've been married for 10, Tres. Hey, this is just show pattern. I don't know.
Also here tonight, it's Helen. I'm Helen.
I don't play an instrument. I'm just here to dance.
Ooh. Yes! Cassie, Yes! Yes, that was fire, Cassie Marie.
I thought you'd be phoning it in tonight considering the state I found you in this morning.
Oh, no, that's between us, Tres. I told you everything's fine. well, you were crying pretty hard in the car. Okay, Tres, I don't want to talk about that here. my tears are my business. Yeah! boundaries, Tres! But I care about her emotional state. Tres, Zip it! Okay, fine!
Summer tea, this. vacation, Yes! Put on a thong and spread all of your summer zaps.
Why? Ha!
All right! how is everybody doing tonight? How about you, lovely couple? Oh, we're not a couple.
I'm gay and she's my psychic. Whoa! Yes, and the Sierra world is telling me that your harmonica player is hiding something from you. I knew it!
Spill the beans, Cassie Marie. Ho-ho! there's nothing to spill, And there's no such thing as psychics. it's someone with an R name.
What?
So there is an R in your life? Is it R. Kelly? steer clear! it is spelled R. Kelly!
Well, that's good news! Tweedle Dee Hot! No kids in school! I want to make friends with somebody who has a boo! ha-ha!
Tres, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but Cassie is about to receive a nest cam alert. Oh, my goodness! Pull out your phone! Tres, you're killing the vibe! Just do it! it's your Nest Cam! there's someone in your front yard!
She was right again!
You two Get out of here with your devil business! Oh, no, I paid $4 for both of these seats. we're not going anywhere, honey. who is that in your yard? he's wearing a t-shirt that says, Ronald. that's an R name! Yes, it's my ex, Ronald.
Well, that explains the T. Wait, what's he doing now? he's in the closet bedroom! Yes! What? But that's my closet bedroom! that's where I put my fashion wear! he must think they're mine! he's going to burn them to get me back for dumping him! Oh, No!
He has My Motegovannetti Fatter Pack! You Can't Burn That! That's My Motegovannetti Fatter Pack!
But it's a knockoff, Tres! Oh, you shut up! Tres, it's just clothes! you're just clothes! And your ex-boyfriend is about to angel a bastard my motegovannetti! and set it on fire, and then just walk away and snap! Now, you call him and tell him to stop! Okay, just for you, Tres. Hello, Ronald. what did you say to me?
No, you're garbage! I don't care! Burn every piece of clothing in that room if you want! No! that was Not the plan! I'm sorry, Tres. I'll buy you all new stuff tomorrow. You can't! you're poorer than me! My Motegovannetti app! tweet on the hot yard full of bugs! I'm cutting you off from all of my summer hugs! No! Yes! |
SaturdayNightLive | cut_for_time_thanksgivies_snl | And now it's time for the Thanksgiving Award. honoring outstanding performers at Thanksgiving Day. Thanksgiving is always memorable, but tonight, we're honoring those individuals who go above and beyond to ensure the holiday is truly unforgettable. our first category of the evening is biggest guilt Trip, and the nominees are Mom for go Have Fun.
No, you don't have to stay for dessert. Go have fun with your high school friends, okay?
I'm just gonna take these pies that I made from scratch and throw them into the garbage can! Cousin Jenny for suddenly vegan. Oh, no turkey for me, thanks. I just don't really enjoy eating animals that have been force-fed and tortured to death.
Dear Invisible Man in the Sky, you didn't provide any of this food for us, so I guess. Thank you, Costco? Oh, and Magical Wizard of the Clouds?
Since you're real and everything, maybe you could find time in your busy schedule to get off your ass and do something about Darfur. Cameron. I listen to reggae now. Aunt Florence with Littlest Angels. and Grandma and Grandpa, And most of all, we're thankful for God's littlest angels, the unborn, whose right to life is just as precious as ours, which is why tonight, we leave an extra, tiny, played-out, just for now. And Uncle Shimon with here we go again. we eat this great food, and we are together, and we are happy. But in Israel, we are fighting for our survival as a people.
No! we did a Shanda, too. And the winner is. Cameron for Teenage Grace. uh, yeah, I don't believe in any awards show that. All right, save it for Thanksgiving. What? No, Free Mamiya!
Oh, easy. on to our next category, biggest drunken revelation. our first nominee, Uncle Charles, for you're Old Enough To Hear this. Oh. Trevor, you're almost 10 now. You're old enough to hear this. I was extremely unfaithful to your Aunt Kathy for five years. cheated on her like crazy.
Oh, she was in the hospital, but I'm weak, kiddo. I'm weak. Oh, god, I'm weak.
Ah, you want some? Aunt Deborah with red wine Freestyle. Well, your Aunt Joanie can't have kids because she was born with both types of pee-pee parts. Oh, what? what? everyone knows that. the doctors had to make a choice. they said, girl. oh, what do you care? what do you care? she's not even your real aunt. you're adopted. Ah, come on, you knew that, right? you knew that. No? And Cousin Lee with stating the obvious. So you're probably all wondering why I haven't met a girlfriend to settle down with. you're cooking, gay. Yes. uh-oh, here she comes. The big deal is I want to thank my sister, Maureen, who had the eye job. She, oh, what, what, what, what, what? She had an eye job. she'd have had it five years before. Walter wouldn't have left her. I also want to thank my Dad. even though we had that weird porno collection, it was, oh, what, what, what, what, what? we found it as a family. honestly, oh, it's ancient history. Grow up! grow up! All right, there we go. What, what?
Finally, it's time for this year's Lifetime Achievement award. over the past 35 years, no one has ruined more Thanksgivings than Grandpa Phil. his volcanic temper and narrow worldview have touched so many lines. The Thanksgiving Awards is proud to present the lifetime achievement award to Grandpa Phil.
Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much this means to me. First off, I want to thank my daughter, Julie, and her black husband. you gave me so much ammo over the years. I also want to thank my sister for wearing that Dukakis button in 88. that set me off real good. let's see, what else? the Korean War for giving me my anger. And, oh, they're playing me off all right, real quick. I want to thank the price of gas and my wife for letting the girls dress like little hoes. Good night, God bless. Thank you, Grandpa Phil. thanks to the awards, we'll be right back with the award for most justified relapse. Stay tuned. |
CrackerMilk | elias_finally_admits_why_he_hates_vegans | This hot dog screams his walk right to you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. J-Dog mouth is getting bit warm.
Hello, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk podcast, where we turn your YouTube comments into improv bits while we sit here and laugh and have a little fun. And we are first joined by someone quite special before we jump into our improv. And of course, we are proudly brought to you by the Crackamoke Patreon. But you can see the full one-hour version of this podcast there on cart filthy and typically full of 9-eleven jokes so we are actually joined by a anti vegan activist Very very vocal about it Why don't you introduce yourself for us?
I'm Harold. I just wanted to clarify that you identify as a a Hot dog don't identify it. I am it. I'm not trying to get political. I just meant that you're a hot dog Yes on your driver's license, you're a hot dog Yes on your birth certificate. You're a dog. Yes.
How did that work? How did the hot dog? Well, actually what was a bun one was a Okay, what was the guy there Well, I face this is we have multiple faces a hot dog was one. Yeah, okay Human was the other. Oh Dad the hot dog mum the hot dog. Well, but that's the hot dog.
Obviously. Okay. Why is that? Obviously?
Because look at me we're just trying to it seems like your energy is a bit low like something's wrong. We're just here to Give you an opportunity.
You've come on the cracker milk podcast and we want to give Rudy hot We want to give the opportunity at the beginning of these podcasts for for People who have a message and something they want to we basically just want to break some news to people when it comes out Thing is I hate vegans. I'm hot dog Hate I run a hot dog business. Well, I would don't run it. I'm a part of it We've been getting no customers because everyone's turned vegan Ryan's left us in the dark We've got a lot of meat that's just kind of going to waste You know, they just got a rotten in the back.
They kind of turn into like a little bit of jelly We tried out a little bit of hot dog jelly to see if people were interested in that. What do they think? Not that's cannibalism, right? Yeah, it's like hot you what you are turned into jelly or is it a part of you like some fluid no sausage It's like it's like because it's just the sausage. You're a hot dog, aren't you? Yeah, but I'm a hot dog hot dog and sausages are different. Do you get along with sausages? Well, I have to in my kind of environment Can I ask you something a hot dog completely conscious and sentient? Yeah, like a human rights essentially you you deserve human rights and that's been proven in I deserve hot dog rights So you deserve to be eaten and thrown out. Yeah, all I want is to be fucking eaten But there's no god damn like that.
Everyone's vegan. No one eats meat anymore I'm not vegan. Are you vegan Connor? I am also not vegan. You're not vegan. You be vegan. I'm not vegan Well, that's what you said that as though you're something else. No, I'm vegetarian. No vegan. Yeah, okay his problems with vegans I'm vegetarian.
Yeah, it was fine. Well, yeah, good wouldn't eat you Would you eat I think you bun and what about the jelly? That's just a hot dog. No, I I just want to Just to clarify I want to move away from the jelly because I think it's sort of like a Almost like a hate crime sausages so that the wiener inside inside the bun When separate from the bun, is it still sentient and conscious like you?
How am I meant to know? Well, I mean kind of sometimes kind of sometimes Okay, I can't Harold like yeah. Thank you. Can we just be honest if we're if you're on here? We're not looking for an argument. We're looking for honesty Okay, I guess if you put it that way it kind of makes me sound like I'm a hot dog God Like I'm controlling like the whole the the sentience of a whole being I Just yeah, that's free stuff. I just want to clap. Yep. I so what I'm asking is your majesty address me correctly Harold there's something I wanted to ask you.
Yeah we have a Huge prominence of Greenpeace in Australia and I don't like Greenpeace Yeah and that's what I wanted to there was a few news reports that came out about the mass murder and Execution of it said here 60 Greenpeace activists all of them identified as vegan They were slaughtered and all that was found on the scene were breadcrumbs and mustard You wouldn't know anything about that. Would you I know all about it. Of course I do this part of the reason who like this was a response from me. So you are You're admitting live on air. We're live to thousands Yes of listeners that you are a mass murderer No, this is war.
Is this a declaration of war that you're so you're been What even reading man, you've been watching a bit too much Fox News buddy how do you how would you think if someone came to your house and To survive you have to eat and reproduce inside other people's organs and stuff. It's like turning to another hot dog and so like if you can't continue that cycle by turning them into jelly and you're effectively killing hundreds and hundreds of hot dogs can we wouldn't you want revenge we mate in the stomach we decompose like we decompose in a way that is kind of using the humanoid form and as they Released they then over a few weeks will turn into so what's your ideal human target? Well, I'm not I really don't eat you after that Yeah, no No, but how hungry you guys like if you got to a point where you're on an island Mmm, and like that you would be the first thing I'd kill But I wouldn't need you I would probably kill I'd probably kill him. No, but if you were by yourself, I'd probably kill him Yeah, I'd probably I'd probably find a way to bring him to the island I'm stuck on and say he's here to rescue me and then I'd kill him Yeah, go to kill good and then I would go and as a vegetarian I think that is so good to kill and eat me consume me. Thank you. I think you know, I hate you We all hate because after the 1776 Civil War between hot dogs and vegetarians You know you lost I thought it keeps saying you wouldn't be fly those hot dog flags still but here we are Well, I don't think you're a god. I think you're just a fucking monster to be honest Well, can you just like eat me? All right, like if you guys Leave today and you don't need me. I'm gonna turn into jelly and Then you're gonna have to consume the jelly Why do we have to consume the because isn't how else are you gonna survive cunt?
We're still so much weight We're on the crack. Oh You bastard. He improved us. He's improved us We're an improv prison on the island. He's got us He's probably yes ended us on the island die.
Yeah, I go get killed by everybody. Yeah Oh, well, I best I best that I best it's the only food Unless I saw a hot dog Harry Harold Harold.
I have one more question for you my fucking name. Yeah What's up with the hive is that you're wearing? Oh, it's just my working uniform. Okay now it's time to introduce AI our comedy improv system designed to take your YouTube comments and Process them into ideas and the first one is what AI new improv suggestion a Human resources department manager proposes eating the least productive worker first day on the job Yeah, welcome to the welcome to the work side. I'm I'm your I'm your foreman On the work site. This is an office and I'm the office foreman.
This is my assistant Her name is silph. Yeah, what I hope silph. Yes. He'll feel a silph for short Do not get too close She does not like anyone approaching her, but she's the assistant foreman also known as Chancellor So if you just call her Chancellor silph, she's got pretty important roles on set. But yeah, let me take you around Oh, hey chance.
I said you've got a little bug on you Our job here is to bring toys our ass back. That's what we're doing here We're trying that we're trying to bring toys our ass back. I bought the yarn name It was a sweet deal. I only had to read mortgage my house three times sell my investment property and Kill my wife and take her life insurance. I go to get it. I did have to hire the previous human resources employee Contractually from the last owner of toys are asked but the thing is about them I think the reason toys are us went under may have been From the human resources department. So right. We'll just go go We'll go introduce you but just fucking keep it chill. Okay, okay Silv silv has dealt with some things and human resources is nothing to deal with you Afghan Iran, yeah the Reason we bring silv in with her experience with the SAS her experience with the Navy souls Which is so similar to the Navy SEALs except they don't lie when they write books about the things they did Um, I actually killed us some of it. Yeah. No, he did We love fucking kids here, no, I'm sorry what we love kids here we love making toys selling them We want to bring back the spirit of toys to the kids of this country And if we get kids in that don't like our toys Do you think we're going to change the toy to suit the needs of our market? Ah, ah stills gonna get in there and drop-kick those kids until we get kids but like the toys we're making I'm starting to see the business models. So we put stuff out and if the kid doesn't like it the kid gets We're not murderers We're just we're just getting silv to kick him in the head a little bit here to check everyone's Productivity because as you know, if you're not productive like these two here You get killed.
Yeah you die. That wasn't in the contract. Don't listen once again. Like by the workplace. By me. Don't listen to H.A. That wasn't in the contract. You're not going to get eaten. Okay, that's ridiculous. Well not saying that eaten, they said killed and consumed. Oh no. So it's not going to happen.
I'm going to be productive and I have I mean, it's my first day. I haven't necessarily started work yet because it's just my first day I'm learning the ropes So I haven't had an opportunity to be productive yet. You're on probation essentially. Yeah, but like the second that I can start being productive. I promise you that I will be productive. Just I haven't yet, but that's because I've been learning.
What do you bring to the table? It's probably something we should talk about. Be a toys. That's great because we're about the kids here. You know, you know what I like to say.
Sorry, I'm just a little on edge on the counter. You're just on probation. So what we'd appreciate is if you just acted like business as usual. Ignore the tranquilizer dart beside you in the rifle. Yeah.
Let's show us some of your toys that you've bought. Okay, so for my first shift on Toys R Us here, I've brought a deck of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. Okay, okay. I seem to like those Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. A deck of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards?
Yeah, so I've got Blue Eyes, White Dragon. I've got Black Luster Soldier. I've got Dark Magician. I've got Cartoon Magician.
I've got the left foot of Exodia and the right foot of Exodia. I just don't have the rest of the Exodia bits. But you've got the nuts and sack of Exodia. I've got the ballsack of Exodia.
I like you. Can we have an emergency meeting, just the two of us? Yeah, sure. Hey man, what's going on?
I think we're going to get eaten if he gets the promotion. What I'm going to do right now is I will maim you so he takes pity on us. What the fuck are you thinking about, man? He's going to go for us.
You can't beat Exodia. Left foot, right foot. You don't need the cards to beat them.
But you're not going to throw me under the bus. Listen, I lost my driver's license in that horrible DUI accident. I remember. Where I hit that car and killed that terrible, terrible old hot dog. Don't worry, I can't drive is what I'm trying to tell you. So how could I throw you under the metaphorical bus? I live in exchange.
But Sylvia has been really productive. Sylvia doesn't have shit. Sylvia has been doing all my dirty work. Hey Sylvia!
Yu-Gi-Oh! What's your favorite Yu-Gi-Oh! card?
Oh, that little fluffy brown ball. What's he called, man? No memory. He doesn't fucking know anything about Yu-Gi-Oh! brother. Doesn't matter.
I've chosen HR. Man, why are you choosing me HR?
I'm aside from the beginning. Aside from the time I killed your father. Yeah, I heard about that.
You think I'd let that slide, did you? You think I'd let that slide? It's my first day, I'm not sure I'm ready to...
Toys R Us is about the kids. That's what we're really about here, is the toys and the kids. So, just keep that in mind. Yeah, do keep that in mind. It's really just about the children. I feel like it's also about eating the lesser workers.
Again, that's an issue with HR. And HR seems to have decided that... Well, if you have an issue with the policy, take it out with HR, is all I'm saying.
Well, currently I don't have an issue, I'm not the one being eaten. Do you have an issue with eating? Do you have an issue with eating me?
A human being? I sent myself to the graveyard.
Thanks AI for that brilliant comedy suggestion. Alright, what's the next suggestion? Improv suggestion. Everyone has a secret illness that makes you gradually more and more gravitate towards different accents around the world. Okay, let's do it. Thanks AI. Yeah, that was great. Oh man.
The thing about the Crackin' Milk podcast... Sometimes I just want to have a chat. Sometimes I just want to have a little chit chat. I don't think we need to always build an improv scene. We can just have a chat and the improv bit can come through a natural dialogue setting of a podcast which allows us to talk about things.
Like, you broke your foot, right? Yeah. You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I've got a really big disease. What is it? It's a hot dog itis. Is it testicular cancer? I honestly don't know what...
Actually, I had that before. Yeah. It might be how it's spread. I... What was that? Hmm? I just said yes, I believe. Oh, that was weird.
I would never do a Scottish accent. Sounds like you are doing a Scottish accent. No, no, no, no. Nay, nay, nay.
Like a horse. That's how it starts.
Do you reckon I would have caught what you caught when I gave you that French kiss? Yeah, because, well, I mean, your French kiss my balls and I had testicular cancer. That's what cured the testicular cancer.
What is your accent? What do you mean is my accent? Are you going to do my accent, are you? You guys are both doing accents. Why are you doing my accent?
There's too many countries. I'm just fine. I thought that we were just hanging out. It's all right. Sorry, Tom? I thought we were just hanging out.
When you went to Bali, did you get sick from anything? Yeah. Did you come back with accentitis? And you didn't quarantine? And how's accentitis spread? Yes, you are dead.
You're kissing balls. And I've kissed his balls. We had that ball kiss part. That French kiss I did was lacking where I kissed his balls like that.
Do it in France. Yeah. We need to lock them away. We need to get out of here. Why do we just? Out of here. Let's just. You need to get out of here before it spreads.
Business as usual, continue the podcast. You're running your mouth. I could be. I don't know if I be or not running my mouth. Hang on a sec. You look just like a guy I know. Yeah. He lives down hot dog lane. Me?
Oh, I went down hot dog lane with my favourite car. It was a 1993 Daiatsu Charade. Aye, a Daiatsu Charade. I drove that car gleefully down the road.
And what do I see?
A gang of hot dogs coming at me Daiatsu Charade. Led by this one. Can they trust those hot dog gangs? The great hot dog god running at me with his gang. His giant hot dog mouth. His gang bit more. Aye. He's kicking it hot dog tongues. That was the sound he made as he tried to take me life inside me Daiatsu Charade.
What did you do? They shit it all over me car. No. Yellow mustard. Shit it all over me car. What did you do? I got at me car.
And I got myself a bat to eat. I ate every hot dog inside. Aye, any deep fried mazbaz? Except for one who got me cock.
He bit it right off. And now I piss out of a funnel. Aye, no. It's sort of fun for him ain't it? Aye, pissing it off of a bottle like that. I said a funnel you fucking moron. You fucking idiot hot dog.
I don't fucking touch mine. Don't touch mine. Hands off his stump. Hands off his stump lads. I never touched his stump man.
I saw your eyes. Your eyes were gone too. Your eyes aren't touching.
Have you seen Goku? Goku had a power level.
So high that he would scream his walk right. And this hot dog screams his walk right too.
Legend has it late at night sleeping in your bed in Scotland. You can hear the faint call down hot dog lane of the final hot dog I didn't eat. Calling out for a mate. All you have to do is say the name.
Hot dog.
You're awfully quiet over there. I can't do an accent.
So I don't get the disease. He's immune. But he licked my balls. Hey are you immune? He's immune. It's on his genetics and his blood.
Yeah I did get the vaccine for it though too. There's a vaccine?
Oh no. Oh no. Mine's evolved. Oh no. You've got the new strain. The new strain is really obnoxious and rude to customer service workers.
Oh no. I love ass. Mamma mia. Guys it's terminal. I'm going down. He went American. I'm not well. No. I'm at stage America. I'm not feeling good. No you have to believe in God.
It's not good. That's not fun at all.
He's a Canadian. It may be the last stage. But you can fight it as long as it doesn't turn into an Italian American accent. Not an Italian American accent. That's the worst kind of American accent.
I'm walking in. I'm walking into my grave. I'm suicidal. What a jabroni eye. I'm suicidal. Oh no. Oh Christ it's happening to me.
Ma.
Were you just pretending? You never had it. No I never had it at all.
God I hate you. You got the vaccine with me. Of course. It was fucking crazy man. Oh cancer gullible man.
Thanks AI for that improv suggestion. Thanks. Thank you everyone for leaving YouTube comments that we turn into improv bits and if you want your comment turn into an improv suggestion that we'll use on the podcast and please leave a comment. We love reading them and we try to get through them all. Do it in the comments below and don't fret. If you think it's not going to get picked leave it again the next week. We'll try to get through them. And as always if you want to listen to the 60 minute uncut version of the Cracking Mall podcast you can donate as little as $2 and find it there. It's great fun. Support us.
We get to work full time. We're almost there. Elias is almost about to work full time and we can't wait. It's going to be good.
Thanks everyone. Goodbye.
I'm assuming that's a yes. Okay so we're just here to take some blood. I just want to make sure first that you don't have any diseases. That you are completely healthy and that you are not under any substances that could affect the blood. I like to share needles. From the Bible because of course as you can see. No no no no. Please we are Jewish. I get it. |
ClickHole | hateful_liberal_youtube_video_depicts_president_trump_receiving_a_wedgie_from_a_cowboy | I just want to know one thing. Why is the only white baseball mascot a complete buffoon? I just don't understand it.
The MOB has an Asian mascot and he's sexy and dignified. They have an African American mascot and he's this big strong black guy who kids are supposed to look up to and that's fine. But then we get just one white mascot and he's this huge dumpy idiot.
It's typical hateful liberalism. Just this morning I saw a hateful liberal YouTube video that depicts President Trump receiving a wedgie from a cowboy and I'll show it to you right after this. I've just seen a disgusting liberal YouTube video that depicts President Donald Trump receiving a wedgie from a cowboy.
It's hard to watch. It made me angry. It made me sick. When you see this cowboy yank President Trump's underwear up over his head, you're going to be angry and sick too.
Just look at this. Take your laundry. I'm so disgusted. How do we let these sickos get away with this? I asked Maggie Thompson to come on the show today because she's a millennial and she deals with these monsters online every single day. Maggie, you saw the video.
Is this really the kind of stuff that liberals like to imagine? Doug, I'm sad to say that sickos on the left probably like to imagine things that are even worse than what we just saw. God, that pisses me off. It's entirely possible that right now there's a member of the Democratic Party who's making a video where a donkey with human hands plugs a basketball pump into Donald Trump's head and pumps air into it until it explodes. In this hypothetical video, could liberals possibly imagine something like Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. blowing kisses at the donkey while he pumps their father's head full of air until it explodes? That's definitely something they could imagine, Doug. There truly is no limit to the disgusting lengths that they'll go to. Mike Pence dressed as a witch running over Donald Trump, who is also dressed as a witch, and both of them have speech bubbles that say, we're two witches who love to run each other over in cars, and Trump is wearing a t-shirt that says, proud father of my own boyfriend, Joseph Stalin.
Definitely. You're absolutely right.
Disgusting. I actually took the liberty of making an example of the kind of disturbing art these liberal sickos might make. You made this? Yes, and as you can see, Uncle Sam is milking President Trump, and President Trump is calling his milk yogurt, even though milk and yogurt are two completely different things. That's horrible. It is truly disturbing to think a liberal might make something like this. |
dropout | choosing_majors_is_hard | Okay, almost time to register for my freshman year classes. I've got my coffee, my orientation packet, and my awesome Wi-Fi from Xfinity, making sure nothing goes wrong. Now I just got to figure out what to take. Let's see here.
The English department. Good morrow, Jennifer. Come to learn more about English? Well, I love to read, and I do wish more people noticed that about me. And notice they shall, for each day in the English department brings a new chance to opine openly on the wonders of Chaucer, or to add a page to your next great American novel. Give me a break. People aren't going to read the next great American novel.
They're going to watch it. We're in the golden age of television, kid. That's why you got to take media studies. Oh, yeah. And maybe I could take a class where I could make a movie. Movie?
Real artists call them films. Real artists pay no attention to either. Real artists only write and perform sonnets.
Okay, okay. Well, maybe I should learn a more practical skill, something that could lead to a stable job. College is a time to expand your mind. Do you really think that Shakespeare worried about jobs? Don't listen to them, Jenny. Computer science?
I don't remember looking this up. Yeah, I just hacked into the mainframe. Really? Nah, you just forgot you opened this tab.
But tech is so hot right now. Computer science can help you get an internship at one of those places where they ride around on scooters and have indoor slides. Why settle for being tech support when you could be the face of the company?
In the business school, professors come straight from the boardroom to the classroom. Cute. What do you even learn in business classes? Spreadsheet maintenance? Not exactly. Studying business will help you with the three M's.
Money, making connections, and moving out of your parents' house. Ooh, I want all those things. And so do my parents.
Whoa. Sorry, I hope my quest for the cure to every disease ever didn't interrupt Little Miss Pyramid's game over there. Chemistry, huh? Well, I do love science. It's not to love. You spend all day in a lab, starting small but contained fires, and then one day, bam! You just made a vaccine that's going to save half the world.
And what is this world? This world we speak of. Do humans need to save it? Or it from ourselves?
Yes? No. Yes. Exactly. Yes. No!
These are the profound questions you'll ask yourself if you study philosophy. Don't listen to this Plato wannabe. Study computer science. And you can invent an app that invents other apps for you.
Or you could pick me and save the world from the next epidemic. No. Pick me and save the world from the next epidemic of bad cinema.
You can make money with me. You can read books all day with me. You can read all day with me, too.
What about money? What even is money? You know?
She's not a cop, Mom. She's a sinner.
Jenny over here. Come on. I'm done. Uh, Jenny? What'd you pick? All of you. I can be undecided until sophomore year. See you guys in the fall. Hey! You guys want to come watch TV? There's so many films on demand. Excellent. Well, sure. Yeah, but one sec. I just gotta smother a small chemical fire. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_party_at_mr_bernard_s_saturday_night_live | I can't believe our boss is letting us hang in this palace for the whole weekend. we are going to get so many babes. forget about the babes. I'm just hoping for that promotion. Mr. Bernard, we're here. Dude, look. Mr. Bernard. Wow. looks like you really partied Hardy. Mr. Bernard, your guests are going to be here soon.
Uh, Devin? I don't think he's alive. Oh, God. Oh, man.
Okay, we need to call the cops. Yep, Ricky, we definitely should call the cops.
But the party's in one hour. all those babes are already in motion. if they show up here and this place has gone from party house to funeral home, we're going to be the laughing stock of the beach. So what do you suggest? we pretend he's alive and have the best night ever. Dude, that is a great idea. Yeah! all right. okay, lead and the babes. come on in. the party, you guys. I believe you know Mr. Bernard. Oh, my god, he's f***ing done! Can he have this dance? someone likes you! party's just starting, everybody. They then dressed him in a Hawaiian shirt and propped him up for show like a rag doll cadaver. Thank you. they desecrated his body. they made him do the limbo. Well, I think I've heard enough. never in all of my years. your honor, if it pleases the court, there's one last piece of evidence I think we all need to see. Hello, this is my video will and Testament. in the event of my death, I ask that my dead body be dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses and that I be paraded around a rock and beach party filled with bodacious babes. Oh, and Devon and Rocky, you're promoted. Hey, everyone! look who I dug up! |
dropout | sex_daddies_celebrate_father_s_day_hardly_working | What's the matter? Father's Day is coming up. I have no idea what to get my daddy. Tell me about it.
My dad, he buys everything that he wants for himself. Not my dad. My daddy. Our daddies, Raph.
Isn't that what I just said? No. Not a dad.
A daddy. Like daddy. Oh, like a sex daddy? Yes, exactly. Daddy.
Do they get Father's Day gifts though? That seems like a little disrespectful to your dad. This isn't about my dad. It's about my daddy.
Yeah. Day after day, I beg my daddy for the wildest things and daddy gives it to me. Yes, daddy, yes. But daddy's day is the one day a year that daddy can get what daddy wants. Oh, okay.
But daddies are impossible to shop for. Especially my daddy. We're a little estranged and I beg my daddy, daddy, please. But daddy won't get me what I'm thirsty for.
Not yet. Not until he says so.
Typical deadbeat daddy. The court ordered him to give it to me good, but most days I don't even see him. And then when I do, he tells me I've been a bad little girl and I need to be punished. No, daddy, no. And you're still going to get him a gift? He's my daddy. No matter how rough daddy treats me, yes.
I just don't know what to do.
Well, what do your daddies like? See, that's just it. I've been sitting here browsing and thinking, do you like that, daddy? Do you like that? Yeah, daddy, do you like that? Oh, daddy like? Yeah. Oh, daddy like?
And it made me realize I have no idea what daddy like. What about you, Allie? Well, my daddy just disappeared one day. Oh, my God. Daddy, no. The fuck thing is, now I'm somebody else's daddy. And I don't know what I'm doing.
You know, am I treating my little slam pig the way she deserves? Oh, yeah. Am I being too hard on her? Or do I need to be harder? Harder? Am I giving it to her so right, so right, don't stop?
I don't know.
I must be so hard to be a daddy. You're not a daddy at your age.
Hey, it doesn't happen for some people, Jesus.
Okay, and that's why I don't know what to get him. Well, you know he's a daddy. How about a daddy-related gift? It doesn't seem fair. Like, sure, he's my daddy, but that's not all he is.
He has a dreamer inside of him. And a poet.
Sometimes both on the same night. But that's not the side I see. Because I'm usually blindfolded.
Can I be honest? It kind of feels like you guys are making up a stupid problem for yourselves. Just send a card or something.
Oh. Yeah. Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
dropout | the_legend_of_link_s_distractions | Link, the hero of Hyrule, have you come to finish your quest and recover the Triforce from the evil Ganondorf? That I have. Oh, thank you, Link. Thank you. Oh yeah, no problem. So are you... are you questing now, or? Oh yeah, yeah. I only ask because it looks like you're... fishing. Yeah, I heard there was a 26 pounder in here. The biggest one I got so far is 11, so uh, I got a ways to go. I see. Oh, that's... that's fine. It's just that with Ganondorf... Next on my list, promise. Ooh, I'm gonna see if I can hook my line into that guy's hat. Link! There you are.
Things have gotten worse. The sky grows dark with evil and Ganondorf has kidnapped Princess Zelda.
Sorry, what now? Let's go! Yeah, I just, you know, if I hit all these targets, I get free slingshot ammo, so I'm just trying to... What? I'm just trying to win all that ammo.
I'm really close. I'll be right behind you.
Ganondorf has invaded the village! Dude, if I just thrash around in the grass, money appears. Money literally just shows up out of nowhere. I watched a living skeleton decapitate my parents. These vases, they have money in them too. I'm saving up for a fancy new quiver.
What's wrong with you? You're right. I'm sorry. Ganondorf will not live to see the sunset.
What the f**k? A kindly old man told me if I found all ten of his chickens, he was going to teach me a new song. A new song? Oh, yeah, no. You know what? I'd like my daughter to hear that song, but she was eaten alive by a 12-foot demon spider. Which by the way, are f**king everywhere.
When I learn that song, I can move back that bird that stole my hat and then the innkeeper will recognize me and let me stay the night. You can sleep literally anywhere. There is a sword-wielding lizard who- Link, if you can take this bottle of milk to my grandson before it curdles, I'll give you a new item pouch. Done.
Ah!
What the hell, man? Ow! Look around you. Ganondorf is raping Princess Zelda behind that tree. Oh my god.
I know. But there's still time.
You can- The tenth chicken! Give her her chicken!
I'm gonna learn that song! Oh! I'm gonna learn that song! Oh! |
SaturdayNightLive | witness_relocation_saturday_night_live | I shouldn't have done it. I know I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have done it.
Oh, now, now, Mr. Booty, you know you did the right thing. you don't understand. you never will understand. you crossed the mob. you know what happens. don't you realize you wind up dead meat? dead meat? Well, now, now, Mr. Booty, you did a favor for us, and we're going to make sure that you're taken care of. you mean that? Sure. you're not going to lie to me. I never talked to a blind cop in my life. But tell me the truth. you're going to give me new identity, new place to live. of course, of course, nothing to worry about, Mr. Booty.
Dr. Cole, Dr. Cole here is in charge of changing your appearance. Dr. Cole is?
A little reconstruction, a little plastic. Now, wait a minute. I got it. How's that? what do you think? I can't even recognize the guy. Terrific. nice work, nice work. that's it! that's it, this heret!
Are you crazy? this dumb hat! I look like Roy Rogers without a restaurant. What, are you crazy? relax. don't tell me to relax. look at how I look. I don't like Chevy Hays without a wagon. What are you, nuts? You look a little like Frank Fontaine, though. you really don't? no, no, no, I'll do the funny stuff. you just do the regular lines.
I can't understand. how did you do this to me? relax, relax, relax. nobody's going to kill you, Mr. Booty. Three hits. No. nobody's going to kill you. nobody's going to kill you. Booty, We're going to kill you! You see that thing?
No, I'm dead. I'm in trouble. I'm dead, Cop. you've got to help me, Cop. you really got to help me. Oh, sell it, baby. you're in the car's the phone.
Yes! Now look, look, look, Mr. Booty, as far as the new name goes, what do you think about? what do you think about this, huh? You ready for this? ready for this, huh? Here we go. Tex Booty, Huh?
Oh, that's clever. Oh, that's clever. thank you. Clever, clever, clever. you're very good.
Now, take this. Blind Cop, jump in once in a while. Now, take this. that's the trouble.
Tex, you're going to change it to Tex, Huh? You like that. to Tex, Huh?
I can go higher than you, you bum. I can go higher than you.
Tex, you're going to do it. instead of changing my last name, you're going to make it Tex. Do you realize what's going to happen when I find out my real name? when they find out my real name, I'm going to stop my car and wind up on a Jersey Turnpike in sections. That's right. Huh, huh, is that what that is? For you, Tex. Tex, this is for you. Oh, I want that with cream cheese. Well, listen about your name, Tex. Oh, please.
You promise. you've got to change my name. you've got to give me a new identity. please don't take the help me. I'm begging you to Help me. Tex, Tex, Tex, come on. come on, Help me, Help me. that would be very difficult. it's a real hassle. I mean, you know, you have to change your name. you have to change your checks. you have to change your mailbox address.
That's Ok. I'm willing to move. I swear to God, I'm willing to move.
Where? Where are you going? Wait a minute. I know you. No, I'll tell you this. Where am I going to go? I'm going to go to your apartment in New York. That's where I'm going to go. get a nice apartment.
No, no, no, Tex, Tex. Look, you've got to be realistic. getting an apartment in New York, it's near impossible. it really is. What, are you kidding me? No, no. Why is it impossible in New York to get an apartment?
I don't care if I live in a Puerto Rican neighborhood. I don't care if I live in a Japanese neighborhood. I don't care if I live in a Black neighborhood. Whoa. But I don't care where I live. I don't care where I live. as long as I get an apartment, that's all I ask.
I'll get it. Somebody get it. Because I'm getting it. I'm trying to relax. who is it? who are you? My beautiful Mr. Booty. Oh, great. he's right here. I don't want it. he doesn't want it. he doesn't want it. Oh, he doesn't want it right now, but you can send it up to 710 West 80th Street Department 2g. Yeah. you're welcome. tell them to put it in water. put it in water. put it in water. a bt to go. Look, I think that about covers it. Look, if you need any help, you just call me. no problem at all. you'll be ok. you'll be fine. you'll look great. you'll look terrific. I'm not through with you yet.
I want to taste them. What about that soup? I didn't mind when you kissed me, but you opened your mouth. I want to taste them.
I'm going to flood an apartment. I'll make a deal with you. I'll make a deal on the rent, Ok? please. hey, Max, Max, come on. you look a little tense. tense, tense, tense. I'm not tense. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. if you're in trouble, you use one of these. my wife swears by it. a little toot, and you got all the protection you need. is that all it takes with your wife? a little toot. that's right. I got a Jewish wife, lays in the bed, belching and wheezing. it's spitting up, and I never try to whistle. I'll tell you this, but ok, a little toot, huh? just a little toot. Ok, that's what I'm going to do. a little toot. then you'll be ok. Ok. you take care of yourself, and I'll be right back in a couple of minutes.
You see? You thought they got me. they missed. they missed. |
cracked | behold_fox_news_creates_legal_controversy_out_of_thin_air | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'm counting off Kelly's Court, where Fox News examines all the pressing legal issues of the day.
Like, what happens when a Sopranos character actor thinks he's won the lottery? By mistake. While Kelly's Court is back in session on the docket today, he thought he won big. But he thought wrong. Actor Vinnie Vella, who has appeared on The Sopranos, you might recognize him, thought that he had a winning scratch-off ticket worth five million beans, or five million clams, as Bill would say.
That's right. You don't have to pretend to be a gangster just because you're doing a report on an Italian actor. That's why Brian Williams didn't start urinating on underage girls during his broadcast of the R. Kelly verdict.
Vella says the ticket had two lucky sevens on it, meaning he won. If he got two sevens, you win five million bucks. Capiche? But when he tried to claim his prize at a New York State Lottery office, workers told Vella that one of those sevens was really a 17.
Oh, forget about it. That's a spasm meatball.
Mr. Murdoch, I know that Sopranos was a big hit show and everything, but I'm pretty sure that getting Miss Nebraska in 1999 here to pretend she's from Brooklyn is not the key to ratings success. But does he actually have a case? Let's ask our panel Fox News legal analysts Mercedes Colvin and Janine Piero.
Okay, so I would love to show you the actual proof, but I can't because we're not allowed to show the picture without paying gods of money. However, Mike Hoeing has done an artist's rendition of said ticket. This is an artist's rendering of a seven, okay? All right, you got that? That's how it looked on the ticket. That's funny. I have an artist's rendering for you too.
But let's get back to the debate. I assume if Fox News took the time to hire legal experts that this isn't some simple issue with a clear-cut answer. Kenny Sue. He could because he's going to turn around and say, listen, Court, I'm not the one who's to blame here.
All the case law on these lottery tickets, Megan, say that the most that they get is the price of a new lottery ticket. In virtually every state, liability is limited to the cost of the lotto ticket.
Ah, Fox News. You had the answer all along, but you pretended to debate the issue. I guess I didn't see that coming. Usually when you have a sham discussion, you make the loser look like this. I should point out that while Mercedes Colwin lost the legal argument, she did win the more challenging game of Simon Says.
Ooh, sorry Janine. I believe that is the international gesture for making a snake out of clay. That's a little better, but game's over, Janine.
You all can just go home now. Can I put my arms down now? You did a very nice job. That's eight by numbers, and that's all. For now. |
TheOnion | nation_abuzz_with_prospect_of_18_year_old_boys_having_their_dreams_crushed | If I were Pete Manning, I'd be happy to have my head fall off on the football field. I'd welcome death like a bear welcomes the taste of warm rabbit flesh. You saw a bear eating a rabbit one time, and you won't stop talking about it. Off with your face. It's the face-off.
It's March Madness, and the general masses are beside themselves at the prospect of watching hundreds of 18-year-old boys having their dreams crushed over the next month. As a young person, I hate watching young people succeed. That's why I love this tournament. So much potential for gloating when 67 of 68 teens have to lose. The first and last big memory of adulthood for almost all of these young men will be failing in front of a national audience. It's almost as if they're already dead. Now that the top seeds lost last week, every one of these 800 teens believes they have a chance. They're going to play their hearts out, and we'll be there to watch those hearts get trampled into raw chunks of myocardium. And even the players from the winning team will be signed by the Bobcats and start losing in a few months. It's the best tournament going. You lose or you're sentenced to basketball purgatory.
Alright, in the NFL, the Washington Redskins accidentally traded away the second overall pick in this year's draft to acquire washed-up veteran LaDaney and Tom Wooner. They forgot they were supposed to use it to draft freedom quarterback Robin Griffin the third. Classic Redskins blunder. It's their fault for acquiring the pick a month and a half early. You leave a nice, meaty draft pick lying around the Redskins' office, Dan Snyder is going to trade it. Of course he's going to trade it. Washington can't use the draft pick themselves. They barely know what the draft is.
They don't know if there's a building to go to or if you just hear the name out loud and hope he shows up to camp. Meanwhile, in real basketball, NBA fans are pouring in from all over to catch sight of Jeremy Lin quickly fading from the national spotlight. The losing Knicks are packing arenas with fans clamoring to see Lin force up bad shots, make poor decisions, and become just another blue jersey on the court. Lots of speculation about him, but I think the kid is a legitimately average and forgettable player. He's in for a long career coming off the bench and playing 16 minutes a game.
Before he arrived, the Knicks missing the playoffs was a foregone conclusion. Now thanks to him, the Knicks missing the playoffs is a painful disappointment.
The franchise and the city are both back to normal. That trash-covered city drenched in the vomit and urine of my fellow Irishman can never be normal, Doc. And that's it for the Face-Off.
When we come back, we'll be talking about poor little Ricky Rubio and whether his injury will ruin his adorable friendship with that big old galoot Kevin Love. Never! Kevin's his best friend. He reaches up and gets basketball from where Ricky can't reach them. |
dropout | amish_women_confess_their_endless_sins | You've returned from your own spring, and you've experienced a sinful, modern world, and you've been tempted by it, which is our tradition, and now you've made the godly decision to return to our community. Well, you will be accepted, but first, you must confess all your sins, everyone, all at once, no matter how long it takes. Well, whenever you're ready. Well, as you all know, we left in June, and it was a warm day out, so we decided to walk to town, but pretty soon the man offered to give us a ride, and he was not a godly man.
The contact high was worse than the regular high.
But on the security cameras, oh gosh, you could see everything. Maybe he was a lifelong schizophrenic, but in that moment he really started to make sense to me.
But it wasn't a hotel key, it was a library card. We didn't have a choice, it had to fit in that duffel bag. His family still believes that those were his ashes. Cocktail napkins aren't meant to clean up that kind of mess, you know?
That's how I know what consensual means. They can trace the call right at 60 seconds, so we'd always hang up at 58.
And the whole crowd gasped all at once. I wish I could go back, but well, he's dead and she's dead. I had never even heard of Al-Qaeda, so I said sure, I'll stay for dinner. To find out what happens when people stop being polite and they start getting real. Because nobody told me that when they handed me the gun. Every surface in the room was covered in it.
Scum, 23. So it was a skin graft, on top of a skin graft, on top of a skin graft. I thought it was exactly like euthanizing a dog. Sort of like an Oliver Twist meets Casey Anthony. He looked me dead in the eye and he said, you're going to regret this for the rest of your life.
They called it friendly fire, but why? I never got the man's name.
A whole separate vagina. I can only describe as a human turdsucking. There wasn't enough time. Excuse me? I'm here to meet my birth mother. She and I once participated in a full-scale Jonestown roleplay. It didn't end in mass suicide. It ended in mass simultaneous orgasm. We almost didn't make it out, because there's only so many times a person can come you understand. |
cracked | 11_movie_alternate_dimensions_with_horrifying_downsides_after_hours | You don't think we'll be able to bury her in the work? It's something, though. It's definitely something.
Does anyone else smell that? It's gasoline. I spilled it on myself on the bus.
Why are you running? I don't know. I feel like maybe I upset a witch or something. I feel like there's a parasite in my brain just eating away at my me.
Can that happen? You're asking me like I'd know. Right. What was the question?
Sweetie, I think you might have a fever. Six fevers.
Maybe our soren is trapped in an alternate dimension. We're saddled with this guy. I can't tell if I'm just really sweaty in my legs or I peed my pants and forgot. I like him. Hey, speaking of interdimensional travel.
What? What just happened? She just trailed off and you went silent for like five seconds.
OK, ground rules. No time travels and no scrooging or it's a wonderful life in our world. And no inner space shrinking, where it seems like you're exploring some new universe, but you're just in some other part of our dumb world. Space portals only. Or some kind of gate. Some kind of star gill juice.
You, obviously. I think I might be dying. But anyway, Willard, you were saying? One second. I'm trying to figure out if you're just trying to lead me to a point so that you can tear down everything I say. I did. I will.
First of all, technically, Stargate isn't even an alternate dimension. A bunch of aliens kidnapped humans and are using them as their slaves, which I guess could make for a parallel timeline, so I'd let that slide. Even if you got there after the movie, when the oppressive aliens were killed and James Spader's like, you go ahead, I'm going to stick around and screw this slave for a while.
You're still stuck in a place with a bunch of people with no laws or government. There'd be a huge planet-wide power vacuum. Exactly. A whole bunch of people with stone age technologies who are desperate for infrastructure, and you've got like a thousand years of evolution on them. You could be God. Of what? A barren desert planet? Besides, everyone would catch whatever the hell Sorin has the second you breathe on him, because they haven't lived through Earth's plagues or epidemics. The show, SG1, could have just as easily taken place a month after the movie and been about the guy accidentally killing his wife in a whole tribe with a colon.
All right, I didn't get a chance to think that one through. That's why I changed my answer to Pleasantville. Oh, way worse. Ow!
I mean, they're all so happy, and the basketball team makes every shot that they take, and there are pancakes for breakfast every day.
Hey, I don't know a gentle way to put this, but I'm just going to come right out and say it. You are a woman. How dare you.
That is our work. He's right, though I'm not sure he's having the same conversation as us.
The thing about Pleasantville is that you're basically plopping yourself right in the middle of 1958 America before civil rights, before women were allowed to be doctors or speak up to their husbands or drive trains. Ah, yes, the main conquest of first wave feminism, train conducting. The whole point of Pleasantville is that this simpler time that everyone's trying to get back to is actually really fucked up unless you're a white, middle-aged, heterosexual man. White, middle-aged, man, I got it.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Dimension X, boom! Mic drop, which I would do for effect.
But the floor looks sticky here. I don't want to lie on it.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Dimension X. That place sucks. I mean, Shredder's been every episode just trying to get the hell out of there. The asteroid that they're on in Dimension X sucks.
But may I remind you, the same alternate dimension that brought us Krang and General Trag was also chocked full of awesome stuff, too. It's not just the volcano where the technodrome is stuck. It's the whole galaxy. Remember the neutrinos? You could hot rod around with them, and they're ships. There's a planet called Balerophon that's entirely populated by a peaceful species that's never had a single war. There's a planet called Palma Dice that's basically just Hawaii wrapped around a planet. Long it was like Hawaii until Krang had every single palm tree leveled and enslaved the only living turtle there as his henchman. I wasn't on the toy packaging. OK, well, there's still plenty of good ones. I just hop around from planet to planet when shit got hot. Balerophon gets invaded by Krang because he knew they'd be a pushover species.
How new?
He obliterates and kills every living thing on him. How do you care about everything so hard? Every single planet in Dimension X is either being invaded, already obliterated, turned into a slave pit, or a toxic waste dump all by Krang. No matter where you go, that awful brain follows you because in Dimension X, I am absolute master.
Embarrassing. You lost your one gift.
What about the Simpsons? Did you save them? I could probably do more.
It just seems nice. So like our world then? Yes. Oh yeah, no, damn. Event Horizon dimension. At least you get to have an orgy before you die. If you ever slowed it down and watched that ship video diary frame by frame, there's a lot of good stuff in there. Very innovative. That's just the thing.
Almost every parallel universe is essentially hell. Beetlejuice, Pacific Rim, Coraline, Buffy, Super Mario Brothers movie, Alice in Wonderland. That's not even mentioning the ones that actually are portals to hell. Everything in those other dimensions are always trying to get here because it's better here, apparently. Wait, you're telling me that there are portals to hell, but no portals to heaven?
He's right. You have to die. You can't just jump through a mirror or a gate or take a pill.
Maybe the point of all those alternate dimension movies is that this right here is heaven. At least compared to those alternate dimensions that are so shitty, this where we're living is what they want. This is as good as it gets.
Your ear is leaking. I need to lie down.
There is one dimension we haven't dimensioned yet. Hold fucking on. We got to take him home. No, no take backs. Zara Soren can live with me. See, we've already got a secret handshake.
It's Narnia. It's Narnia, you guys. But Narnia's in constant war, best buddy.
I know, but good always triumphs over evil there all the time. But the kids are constantly putting their lives in danger, cool guy.
Are you kidding? The kids get to become kings and queens and hang out with talking animals and live what feels like an entire lifetime in an hour of Earth time. Narnia isn't exactly heaven, true. But with all of the Christian analogs, it's essentially heaven, light. And that's better than any of that shit we got going on here. Aslan even talks about the portal being like an open door in the sky. And when the kids come through that wardrobe, what's the first thing they see? Snow, that fawn, something completely wrong and kind of sexist. No, no, you dummies. It's a light post. They're literally following a light into Narnia. It's the closest to heaven as we're going to get.
There, you can lead armies. You can ride a Pegasus. You can breathe life into statues. You can sail the seas with Caspian because if a kid can do it, man, it would be magnificent.
You would be the best, Dan. And that was it, the moment. And we all agreed with me. Hey, winner, winner, chicken Daniel. You could be the best.
Oh, no, I don't think you'll die. Yeah, you'll probably just be paralyzed.
What do you think, Soren? I think everything's fine, because I'm the guy who got used to it. Roll sound, shoot, roll camera, and action. Hey, guys.
Thanks for watching the video you presumably watched, unless you just skipped the end, watch the end plates, like I do. Because I really just super love the end plates. So if you're like me and you just watch the end plates, welcome to yet another amazing Cracked YouTube. Please subscribe to our channel, End Plate. All right, it seems like we're coming to the end of the end plate, but I hope you enjoyed this episode of Cracked End Plates. |
dropout | troopers_tractor_beam | Uh, I can't believe we have to cover Chase's ships. Nobody has it worse than us.
Uh, Chase was crushed to death by a crate of frozen meatballs. I love meatballs!
Okay, that's too fast, too fast, too fast, too fast! Oh my god. I just killed everyone on that ship. No, no, no, no, no. When it has a crew of over 2,000, it's a frigate. A frigate. I'm never gonna get over this. This is cargo vessel 4442 requesting tractor pull. Roger that. We got you.
Uh, why don't you let someone who hasn't committed genocide today handle this one? Well, you wanna do, right? You wanna carefully line him up. Now carefully, right? Glide him on in. But make sure that the door is open first. Which I did not... do.
Wait, that guy got out in time! Oh, hey! Hey, guy! He's okay! No, he's dead. He has a space.
Maybe we should read the instruction manual? Good idea. Oh, see, that doesn't look so complicated. Oh, this is the manual for the manual. Manual for the manual?
This is the cargo vessel, Susie Q. We are out of power and drift requesting a rescue pull. Uh, we will save you, Susie Q. We just need to tweak a few things and pull maybe this and slide that over there and... Great. And, uh, you know, it actually feels like we're getting pushed farther away.
Oh, shit! Fuck me!
Okay, still pushing us away. No engines, remind you. Uh, and we are almost out of range. And, uh, okay, we are now out of range and we're dead. Doomed to die in the abyss. Radio should be cutting out any...
All your fault. Uh, we have destroyed so many ships and lives and we have no choice. We have to go to Dreadlord and tell him somebody else did this. Miss Chase. Look, it's all right, okay? Nobody has to know. Traktor beam control misses cargo vessel 38H. I just saw you guys pretty much murder three crews. I'm gonna have to report this.
Hot hands, last one. That's it. Anyway, I'm done for the day. Done for the day. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Frosty_Reception_Teachers_Strike_A_Forced_Intervention_More_December_10 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, we've got Errol Parker here and we've got Wendell Hussey. How are yous all? I'm alright mate, just counting down the days until Christmas but you know it's like this year just won't end you know this this year is is still kicking along like Rasputin you know I've taken this this year out into the snow I've shot up in the back of the head I've cut a hole in the ice I've pushed it to the corpse of this bloody year into the icy pond and it came out of the pond and it's back at my dinner table mate I can't get rid of it. With Omnicron this time though? Yeah coming back around yeah feeling very empty Clancy the Batutah Municipal Council Christmas party that we were at last night really knocked me around so I'm going slow how are you going? You will learn one day young fella that an open bar doesn't necessarily mean hanging around these losers until the early hours. I've made that mistake myself it can land you in trouble you end up telling them too much and when really it's our job to be getting information out of them. Well look it's a symbiotic relationship in a regional town. Yeah I know this West Batutah Airport I was hoping to get to the bottom of it last night but no luck we'll try again on New Year's Eve what's up first this week Wendell?
Well the first headline I've got for you two today is about the Prime Minister's trip down to the Bathurst 1000 race it reads as a direct quote from the Prime Minister himself and it's like this how good is turning the Bathurst 1000 into a personal branding exercise and getting booed mercilessly? Bathurst the real race that stops the nation and the faux knockabout bloke who moonlights as the Prime Minister drew some heavy sighs and some heavy boos after he decided to rock up and do a hot lap of the famous mountain down there in the central western New South Wales. Yes and in a sign that the bloke in chief might be starting to face repercussions for his little porky pies and tall stories a chorus of boos came his way from the top of the mountain up there with the real v8 fans as the motoring diehards decided they weren't a fan of a pretentious city bloke trying to appropriate their proud culture of petrol headedness. Yeah one local supercar fan told the advocate this morning that they booed the Prime Minister at the Bathurst 1000 because they know that he doesn't follow the v8s he just pretends to like them he said and I quote it's fine if you don't like the supercars but it's not fine to be full of shit and being full of shit is worse than being a lefty. Here here you can't be talking about electric vehicles one week and going out to Bathurst for a photo shoot the next Fox Sports did briefly report on the Prime Minister getting booed at Bathurst but that article has since been taken offline after the editors came back from the Christmas party and realized the interns were actually departing from editorial policy to ever criticize the current Prime Minister so we'll see we'll see how he goes elections not far off.
I don't know I think Rupert's backed his horse mate. And he does like backing winners old Rupert.
Now our second story is about another person who is potentially full of shit and the headline is don't teachers get enough days off sneers Mossman young liberal working from home in his dad's investment pad. Yeah they were striking down there in New South Wales this week protesting against wage stagnation and the casualization of the teaching industry and while plenty of people said you know good on them one man said he was not impressed at all by it. No situated down there in the heart of the leafy North Shore a young liberal by the name of Atticus Manchester Angus Smith told the teachers their six weeks of holidays are just around the corner and they should stop taking the piss. This young bloke who lives rent-free and his old man's investment properties explained that teachers need to realize they've got things pretty good and jeopardizing our kids future by missing out on a single day of teaching is unacceptable. Comments that weren't well received perhaps understandably in both the comments section of that article and of course on the streets of Sydney. Well hopefully Atticus gets to partake in the you know fabled Sydney culture of getting punched in the face falling back and cracking your head on the pavement and having your organs redistributed into people who are gonna you know put them to better use. Oh well look we we can't expect too much more from a bloke with a triple barrel surname there.
Now here in town a woman has been forced to stage an intervention after her friend sent her 24 tik-tok videos in the space of one night. Yeah you hate to read about it and I tell you what you'd hate to know what the bloody hell this story was on about but you know it's it's alleged this problem had been building for quite some time until it reached boiling point on a night when this woman had clearly had nothing better to do than to spend several hours on the application which is when she sent the final videos that tipped her friends over the edge. Yes after an evening of their phones pinging relentlessly the good friends decided to take the responsibility upon themselves and stage an intervention. Obviously the woman in question wasn't particularly receptive at first but we've been informed that she is coming around and her friends hold hope for a strong recovery.
Yeah fingers crossed we'll try and keep you up to date on that one I reckon tik-tok puts holes in your brain. Moving across the other side of our great Sunshine State now and a local man has shown leadership and ordered pizza to a piss-up without asking any of these idiots if they've got any requests. Stunning, brave, courageous just a few words that spring to mind when you look at this display from Brisbane this week after a lunchtime session watching the cricket at the pub turn into an evening session and a trip back to a mates place one of the boys in the mix decided to grab the evening by the scruff of the neck and lead from the front. Yeah deciding it wasn't smart to open the floor to suggestions about what would inevitably result in some dumb shit being suggested the captain named Andy Thomas decided to just buzz the Pizza Hut down the road and put in an order for pizza and grog. Played the hits like barbecue meatlovers of course and saved several things from falling apart at the seams. My pun. Maybe a Supreme there with the vegetables to keep it healthy of course and you know maybe a vegetarian one for the Protestants. Yeah even even vegetarian because you can get the you can get the extra hot hot Frank's vegetarian which I believe you know it's conducive. Cover a lot of bases there and the seafood marinara one for the sickos. Yep.
Alright let's finish it up with another cricket related story and a rain delay has forced a local office worker to pass his time this week with a bit of paid employment. A little bit earlier on in the week this one was and it was quite annoying for an old city district man who actually had to spend a little bit of time doing what he's being paid to do this came after some clouds rolled in over the gabber in Brisbane and caused the covers to be pulled up over the pitch. Which means that plenty of people like Ben Wilkins had to find a way to fill their time throughout the day without being able to secretly stream the cricket on his work laptop not that you'd want that to have to happen but that's the nature of having a game that lasts for five full days I guess. Yeah well today is Saturday boys no hiding it today I've got my work phone out I'm gonna be streaming it off the channel 7 app on my phone. Sky racing on the iPad there for you Errol? No no no no no mate I do my punting analog I'll be heading down to the local tats you know putting the writing on the paper and stuff yeah mate yeah lovely oh that sounds like a good day you've got planned we'll let you get to it thanks everyone for joining us once again and you have a good weekend we'll talk to you soon. Bye bye. |
dropout | surprise_milk_prank_slow_mo_prank_show | We'll invite our actors one by one to audition for what they think is a soda commercial. Tapan, nice to meet you. So this is going to be your mark here. The client just wants to see in profile people taking sips of soda. Cool. What they do not know is that sometime during this audition, we will switch their soda with milk. That was excellent. Let's have you do one more.
And now for the reactions to surprise milk. Eyes closed in ecstasy. Or is it horror? Here is one moment where the milk hits the tongue and the tongue tells the brain, why have you done this to me? This man goes through the five stages of being pranked.
First, the trusting bliss. Then, confusion. Then, white hot anger. And then fear.
And finally, shame. This has been a gross experience for him. The shock just hit the frontal cortex right here. This fake smile says, I am unhappy. A full expulsion.
Can we see that again? Excellent lip flap. Very messy. Kudos, young sir. As you can see, the moment of impact right there. You see that? A great look of shock followed by expulsion from the body. As you see the milk cascading over his lips like a waterfall over lips. And we see the whole face working together. A beautiful, elegant ballet of contorted muscle and disgusted expressions. A lot of subtle eye fluttering here as her brain actually registers the reality of the situation. Repressing the vomit, yeah? And oh, what a treat! High velocity burst followed by solid lip flap.
This is truly one for the books. Today we have learned much.
When the human brain believes it will taste soda but instead taste milk, it says yuck.
Thank you for joining and tuning in for another exciting episode of Slow Mo Prank Show. That's his good, that's his better. |
dropout | safari_on_tatooine | From Iron Man to the Iron Throne, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else. That is correcting people. This is Um, Actually.
Joining us today, we have Hector Navarro. Um, actually, I'm very happy to be here. Thank you. Oh, great. We have Daniel Radford. Um, actually, I'm not very happy that Hector's here. And we have Nick Mundy. Um, actually, the charity I'm playing for really needs the money.
Well, the two of you on the outsides have been on this before. Daniel, you haven't.
So the rules are very simple. I have here a stack of statements. These are untrue statements for the things that you enjoy. It's up to you to find the things that are wrong and correct me. All your corrections have to be preceded by the phrase Um, Actually. If you don't, I won't give you the point, Jeopardy style. And you can interrupt me whenever you want. You don't need to wait for the question to be finished. Like, as soon as you hear the thing that's wrong, you can buzz in and correct me.
All right. Let's jump right into it. Here we go. Uh, this first question is about video games, video game question here.
Star Fox 64 features a colorful cast of anthropomorphic fighter pilots, including Slippy Toad, Peppy Hare, Falco Lombardi, and of course, the titular Star Fox himself. The team battles against the evil Andros in an attempt to save the lilac system and avenge Fox's father's death. Daniel.
Um, actually, we all know that Pepe is a racist frog. With Slippy Toad and Peppy Hare, Pepe Frog joining the Star Fox crew would be insane. A sane, racist frog to join thing. That is a racist frog.
That's not what I said, unfortunately. Hector. Um, actually, Star Fox is not trying to avenge his father's death. His father is Andros. Mmm, no. I'm sorry. Um, actually, it's Falcon Romano? Just a different, slightly Italian name. Yeah. No, no, no. That's incorrect. It is Falco Lombardi.
Uh, I'll go ahead. Unfortunately, no points for this one at all. I'll let you know what's up.
Star Fox is not the character's name. Um, actually, his name is Fox McCloud, uh, uh, which, uh, yeah, yeah, Hector is, Hector is... I did know that. Hector is...
No one has ever called him that.
No. No one has said that.
Oh, yes, let's all play the Fox McCloud and the other characters who we're supposed to remember. You know what? That Fox fucks. So... I mean, it is like, like all the other characters there are like, uh, my last name is the animal that I am, uh, I guess, except for Falco Lombardi, but he's got Falco in there. Uh...
I think it's Romano. Romano.
Yeah. Everyone loves Falco. Oh, Fox. Let me. Oh. Oh, Fox. Let me.
That question was bullshit. I'm sorry. Look, all these questions are gonna be bullshit like this. These are designed to be bullshit, really annoying shitty questions, which means it'll feel great when you get one. So we will move on to our next question, uh, which is about comics.
Marvel Apes is a limited run series that imagines the Marvel universe where all our favorite characters are apes and monkeys instead of humans, including Hawk Ape instead of Hawkeye, Thorilla instead of Thor, and Iron Mandrill instead of Iron Man. Danielle. Um, actually it's not Marvel Apes, it's Marvel Apes, so it's just a bunch of really hot the number eights. So it's like Thor Ape with a, like a wig and a hammer. You know, it's, uh... Just sailing in a Super 8 motel and, like, uh... Yeah. It's just, have you ever seen the number eight she's thick? Uh, no, I'm sorry, the, uh, Marvel Apes is the thing to my knowledge, Marvel Apes is not a thing, um, but, uh, just a matter of time. If you're out there, uh, Marvel, if you want to make Marvel Apes, uh, instead, uh... If you want to make some money. Yeah. She already looks like a 90s draw, you can see boobs and butt at the same time. I just want to point out, we did have a fact checker that did actually check right now for Marvel Apes and was like, nope, not real. The number of times where we've, like, tried to write a comics question has been, like, it's like, this is a very silly thing that hasn't happened, it's like, oh, actually, that did actually happen in this story. Yeah, alright, fine, fine. Nick. Um, actually, it was Iron... Ape? No, the Iron Man drill is, is the name, uh, of, of the Ape version of Iron Man.
That's as bad as Fox McCloud. Hector. Fox McCloud.
Um, actually, the Hawkeye gorilla or ape wasn't in the story, but the other two were. Uh, that's incorrect.
It's a good guess, though. That's a very good guess. Danielle.
Um, actually, it was not Thorilla, it was Thorrella. This is the story about how Thor lost his magic hammer at a dance, and then a beautiful prince had to go from house to house to figure out whose magic hammer this is, but how does he do it when he can't lift it, but Thor can lift it. That is extreme, that is not correct, but you actually have identified the thing that is wrong, so I will give you the point unless someone can tell me what it should be, so you've identified that Thor, there's something wrong with that. Actually, it's just Thor, because on Molgen, you're, uh, it doesn't say Thorilla, who's worthy is Thorilla, it's just Thor. We don't call him Thor human. I love that as a guess, because there are apes in the Marvel Ape series that are just like, well, there is Iron Mandrel, but also there's just Captain America who happens to be a gorilla. Why do you do that question? But in actuality, but that is not correct. Thorilla is not correct, but he's not just called Thor. Hector any guesses? I'm going to play this safe, I'm going to say no, no guesses on this, but we're going to give that point to Daniel, and you've identified that he's not called Thorilla in the Marvel Ape series, and he's called Thorang-a-tang.
To generate into something full. You know, I had an option to read Marvel Ape when it came out, and I think even then was like, this will never play out later in my life, I will never need to know anything from this. That is the correct thing to think, I can absolutely see why you would think that. And to be fair, I include this question, not necessarily thinking that anyone would have a deep knowledge of Marvel Apes, just because I thought it would be fun to talk about Marvel Apes. I still think I'm right, that it should just be Thor. I mean, yours has a definite logic to it, and there's not a whole lot of- Do the comment. Yes, I think any superhero name with the word man or woman in it should be replaced with some variation on ape, but Thorang-a-tang, it's like, no, the dude's name was Thor, like, yeah. Yeah, like that's just his name. Yeah.
We'll move on to our next question, which is about Game of Thrones. The entirety of the series, A Song of Ice and Fire, is filled with brutal, awful deaths.
Among the worst is catching greyscale, a highly contagious disease that slowly and painfully turns you into stone. Daniel. Um, actually greyscale does not turn you into stone, it turns you into a dragon, and then you become a dragon, and then you get dragon breath, and then you get to kill everyone with your super bad, horrible breath, and then you live on that weird leprosy island where there are other dragons with weird dragon breath, um, and then your dad straight up murders you.
Once again, you've identified the thing that's wrong, but you've added so much more that it's wildly incorrect at this point, um, but I will give you the point- What am I doing, man? At least- Listen, I told you, you can guess your way into a right answer. You can find the things that are wrong. So I'll give you the point, unless someone can, can, can, can be, uh, more, more sp- Yeah, yeah, Nick.
Um, actually greyscale is where you go to a, uh, peninsula, where your mom kills you, and your dick falls off, uh, cause your dick's all, like, rocky, uh, cause, and rocks fall off dicks. That is, that is incorrect, uh, no, that's incorrect, I'm sorry. Uh, Hector. Um, actually, the death everyone's talking about is, uh, in the show as dying from shame because you fucked your sibling, which most of the characters have. No, weird, well, a lot of characters have fucked their sibling, but most of them have not died of shame for it, most of them are actually kind of like- Super into it. Yeah, they're like, kind of into it, it's, uh, yeah, weird thing, uh, no, you know what, in spite of the, the many inaccuracies about the dragon of the peninsula, you at least identified that, uh, yeah, greyscale is not turning you into stone, and the people who are afflicted with greyscale are called stone men, it just, like, makes your skin crack and you can get very hard, but you don't, like, physically turn into stone.
Um- So she's winning 2-0? She's winning 2-0, and I would say, in a very, very questionable way, um, uh, but, but look, Danielle's playing to the test, uh, and nothing's stopping everyone else from doing it, you know, all right, uh, this is, this is about Star Wars here.
Don't throw the controller, man! Come on! I know you lost, but, like, I need that. Uh, Hector.
Um, actually, the huts did not originate on Tatooine, they came from some other planet.
That's correct! Yeah! Um- That's what I actually knew! Yeah, that's correct.
I could've gotten a point on my own merits, but I was, like, nope! No, I'll let Hector have this, uh, very graciously. No, that's, uh, that's, uh, that's correct. You'll get the point, no matter what.
Do you happen to know what planet they're from? Uh, Slug- I wouldn't- Was that? Slug-terra? No, no. That feels like a very Lucas-y kind of, uh, kind of thing. Right on the nose. Their current homeworld is, uh, Nalhutta, although they're originally from Varl. I wouldn't expect anyone to know that, but, um, um, but I'll get- Who told you that? Hmm? The internet?
Okay. Yeah. Are you saying that, uh, that, uh, anything not movie is not canon? Yes. Okay. So, movies only, and the TV shows, no?
Yeah, no, no, no one has time. Uh, we don't have time, so it doesn't count.
Yeah, that was my favorite part of watching Solo was when they had that big cameo of Darth Maul. Yeah. A ton of people I know were like, wait, he died in the movie, and I had to be the asshole that went, no, in the cartoons they explain he comes back. Uh, but yeah, that is a point for Hector.
And this brings us to our very first shiny question. Now, shiny questions are like shiny Pokemon in that they're worth the same amount, they're just a little bit different, and a little bit rarer.
Uh, so, the format's a little different for this one, you don't have to say them actually if you don't want to, but you can if you just want to feel extra safe and not forget about it in future questions. Um, there's a game called Not the Droid You're Looking For. Just a second, we're gonna show you an image where one thing does not belong in the group that we've presented. So, uh, there's a piece of paper under the couch, uh, on your sheet there'll be a collection of things that are all part of one group, except for one that does not belong. It's up to you to identify that one, uh, first person to identify it will get the point.
These are all fictional elements and materials. And flip. Here we go, yeah, these are, these are a bunch of fake, uh, these are fictional substances from across comics, video games.
Oh yes, Nick. Um, um, actually, Osmium is real. That's correct! Yeah! And that's it for this preview of Um, Actually.
If you liked it, there's a whole lot more waiting for you on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today.
I'm Mike Trapp reminding you to get your pets spayed and neutered, and to get your zombie pets obliterated. Zombie pets. They're not the pets you loved anymore.
They're gone.
Kill them. Kill as many of the robots as you can, uh, giving their names. Whoever can name the most robots will get the point. If you all tie for the most, then, uh, you all get the point. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_1_pro_vs_3_n00bs | Welcome to Bleep Loop, I'm Jeff Rubin. This week we are going to find out exactly how good someone can be at Starcraft 2, with Trevor Houston, AKA Torch. Trevor is on one of the best American Starcraft 2 teams. He recently went to Korea to compete in a Starcraft tournament, and we're going to see if he can beat me, and also two of my idiot co-workers in a three on one match.
Hey guys, this is Pat. Now while Jeff is playing with his team, I'm going to be hopping back and forth doing some color commentary there. And here with Trevor, we're moments away from the start of the game, why don't you tell me what kind of technique you have in mind for today's match. There's a lot of different styles that you can play this game in, that's one of the reasons it is so great. So really I'm just going to try to play as though they're going to be the top Koreans in the world. I think we want to sacrifice one of us, and then just take the beating, I'm going to be the one in the fetal position, and while he's kicking me in the face, I come up and punch him in the nuts from behind. As you might be able to tell, based on the furious clicking here, the game is going right out of the gate. It's just a firestorm here.
What is happening with this keyboard and mouse? Right now you're seeing my hand spam a lot, this doesn't actually affect the game, but what it's doing is it's getting my hands warmed up, it's a little chilly outside, it is the fall right now. And if I don't have proper circulation to my hand, I won't be able to move quickly enough later in the game.
What am I supposed to do with the Overlord? I'm just like, get out of my way, dude. Not a big deal, we're just a couple of cool dudes. I'm ready, building some zealots. He found me, oh my god. A lot of it is me just harassing them right now. I'm trying to make sure they're doing what I expect them to do and nothing different. You're sort of getting a sense of your enemy, like in a soon zoomed way. He's just toying with me, he just left, he killed half of my workers, and he distracted me. Torx!
I think that when people imagine professional gamers, if you didn't even know that was a thing, if you imagine it, you picture kind of a big fat dude, Doritos next to the keyboard, is that what it's like at all? Not at all, you will not see any unfit professional gamers at all. To be able to play at that level, to think that quickly, you need to be in very good shape.
I try to run every single day.
So, is he still attacking me or not? He's not attacking me, he just like brought an SCB in which terrified me. He's coming for it, he's going for my middle.
APM stands for actions per minute, and what that is, is it just a measure of how many commands you're giving to your forces in the game. If you are not going quickly enough, you're going to be missing out a lot of what you could be doing. So, what is your average APM? Usually, I'll be playing at around 250 to 300 actions per minute if I'm playing well. Top Koreans will play anywhere from 4 to 500 actions per minute.
When you're at a competition, you ever just have some Korean dude kind of leaning back at you and you just sort of like, you know, what's your APM route? Well, no, they speak Korean. I'm here on an allies basis threat.
Yeah, that's big. Guys, I lied to you, I've never played this game before. Is Starcraft bigger than traditional sports in Korea? I wouldn't say it's bigger than traditional sports, but it's definitely on the same level.
You've got the professionals marrying a lot of the pop stars in the country, and if someone's walking down the street, they will get recognized and they will get mobbed by a lot of the fangirls and whatever else. It's like a weird upside down nerd fantasy world.
When you're playing a tournament though, are you allowed to use your computer? Do you have to use that? You use that computer. I'm not too particular about the computer itself. However, the mouse and keyboard and mousepad is very, very particular.
Oh, and that you can bring your own. Yes. It's like the natural, that's like your old baseball bat that you've been using since the beginning of your career. If that thing broke, would you get a repair or would you? I actually have a spare of everything. Ah, siege tanks on the side. Brilliant.
I knew I was done when I stopped and kind of questioned, what should I be doing right now? And that was about 30 seconds. So there goes one and the other and they're all down now. Victory.
How was it? How did they fare? Honestly, I expected a lot better. Trevor, what did they do well?
Well, I can't really tell you that right now, but in general, if you want to figure out what you did right or wrong in your own game, you can look at the replay and step through to see what actions you should have changed. In other words, nothing. They did nothing well. And you could bear to watch the replay. There's nothing perceptible that they did that was correct.
You guys produced a lot of units? Yeah. Yeah, we did produce a lot of units, didn't we? Yeah, we produced a hell of a lot of units. Oh, yeah. |
dropout | the_terrifying_cost_of_free_websites_adam_ruins_everything | I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole. Wait, do you still think Matrix parodies are cool? Yes. Look around you, Mitchell.
This is the free internet. We do everything here. We connect with friends on Facebook, search for information on Google, and all of it's free. Yeah, free. Wait, actually how do these sites make money?
I'll tell you, but you may not like where the rabbit hole goes. So, do I choose a pill or? Oh, no, these are my allergy medications. This one's for pollen and this one's for lactose.
Where are we? What is this place?
This is the internet of the real. The truth is, these services aren't free at all. You pay for them with your very identity. When you use Facebook, they log everything you do. The pages you like, the people you interact with, even the words in your status updates. Then they take that information, analyze it, and assemble a detailed profile of who you are. They know your habits, your preferences. They can even determine your risk tolerance or sexual orientation. And then they sell that information to advertisers.
One risk taking homosexual, please. It's a pleasure doing business with you. Wait, how did they know? Hey, I didn't know you were gay. And so adventurous. That's not a hypothetical. This actually happened to a woman in Tampa.
That is problematic, but come on, we all know they're showing us ads. Yeah, but we don't know how deep Facebook's tentacles really go. They actually record which ads we see, then partner with firms that monitor what we do in the real world. Jacob liked the page, bacon is bae last week. We showed him an ad for your double bacon heart attack burger. He just bought one in Duluth. Clearly susceptible to the campaign. Let's pump them full of ads. I guess I got room for one more. This has got to be one of the most invasive advertising systems ever devised. Facebook can actually determine who's the most vulnerable to an ad campaign, then up their dosage till they buy even more.
Well, I'll simply delete my Facebook account. I'm gonna miss those ex-girlfriend pictures, but it's worth it not to be tracked, right? Sure, you can quit Facebook, but good luck escaping Google.
That's me. But I'm not even on Google. I'm on a private website. Exactly.
Google doesn't just track you when you search. Their tracking software is also installed on over 10 million websites, even medical sites. So that health info you think you're looking up in private, Google's got a front row seat. Mitchell has erectile dysfunction. I know a drug company that would get rock hard for that information. And that's not all. Every time you write a Gmail, watch a YouTube video, or use Google maps, Google collects data about you. God, no. We don't even know the full extent of what Facebook and Google store or what they do with it. All we know is that they're collecting our data on an unprecedented scale and making billions off of it.
That's their real business model. They're monetizing us. When we use these sites, we're not the customer. We're the product.
Why? How? Hello, Mitchell. I've been waiting for you. Now you're parodying the second Matrix movie. What?
It's the best one. Mitchell, this is Ethan Zuckerman. He's the director of the MIT Center for Civic Media.
Mitchell, the fact that the sites are free is the problem. When the web was created, we the users decided we would rather have free stuff than pay money for the services we use. As a result, the websites have had to sell ads to make money. They target ads to us based on our preferences and our behavior online. And that means we're under constant surveillance in exchange for these services that we get for free.
One in six people on earth now has a Facebook account and they make up 20 percent of all time spent online. That's 1.6 billion people whose every move is being tracked by an online big brother that they chose to live under.
No. And here's the kicker.
You want to know how much revenue your personal data is worth to Facebook? For every user they surveil, they make just $12. Your interests, your personality, your relationships, your privacy, those things are priceless. But you gave them all away just to avoid paying $12.
No, that can't be. That's not possible. Well, there is a bright side. You want to hear about it? No.
Shut up.
Let me out. He's going to pop. Let me out. I want to get out. No, this happens to all my friends. |
dropout | when_van_gogh_gave_his_ear_to_his_girlfriend | I wish that we brought her a better present. I know, I'm a little embarrassed. But the cake's good. You know, the last time I had cake, I was running from the army.
Vincent is here. Oh, Vincent, come join us. Sit down.
Whatever. It's a birthday cake this year. Oh, wonderful, wonderful. Vincent, what happened to your face? Don't worry about it. Listen, I got you a birthday gift. I thought I said not to get me anything. Well, I have a feeling you're gonna like this. Is it that brooch I said I wanted? No, no, no. Oh, what could it be? It's wet a little bit? Oh, is it a necklace? Oh, Vincent, you howl. Is that your ear? Yeah, through my head. Why did you get me this?
Well, you said you didn't want any more of my paintings, so I got you something different. That doesn't mean I want your ear. Do you not like it? No, I don't like it.
It's an ear. Who would want an ear? Well, I'll take one. I'm sorry you're upset, but you should have told me you wouldn't want my ear for your birthday.
It took me four hours to cut that off of my head with a spoon. Ouch! With a spoon? Of course you used a spoon. Vincent, I think it is incredibly romantic that you would cut off part of your body and give it to somebody that you love. Frederick, you're that big oaf. He probably wouldn't even give me a toenail if I begged for it.
Anna, shut the fuck up. All right, listen, let's finish eating the cake. Then we'll go outside, we'll cool off, then we'll nail the ear to the front door of the house. We'll invite a bunch of people to look at it. Why? Because that's what we wanted to do, and it's your birthday.
Happy birthday, CNN!
I think you should leave. What? I think you should leave. Speak up! Get out! Sorry, did you get the joke? All right, I'll go. No.
But I want to tell you something. I did that because I love you, and I wanted to give you a little piece of myself. But CNN, baby, you already had a piece of myself. And if me and you could just talk about... Why didn't you want any more of his paintings?
Oh, they're bad. They're very bad. That's true. They're not great. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_kenan_thompson_marcello_hernandez_and_season_49_finale_joke_swap_snl | President Biden and President Trump have agreed to two debates this summer for a preview of the debates, take a bottle of ambien and adderall at the same time. Biden posted a video challenging Trump to the debate, saying, make my day, pal,' to which Trump responded, let's get ready to rumble. two phrases that are guaranteed to lock up the youth vote. Donald Trump said that at the debates, he wants both of them to stand instead of sit. So that's the status of our presidency. standing is a feat of strength. I think we can learn a lot more watching them both try to get out of a beanbag chair.
Michael Cohen, whose cologne I can smell through this picture, testified against Donald Trump this week. Cohen was portrayed by Trump's attorneys as someone who hated Donald Trump and was trying to get revenge. But the only evidence of that comes from Cohen's upcoming book, I Hate Donald Trump and I'm trying to get Revenge. Representative Matt Gaetz referenced The Proud Boys by tweeting a picture of himself outside Trump's courtroom with a caption standing back and standing by. Gaetz used that same caption in a picture of himself outside of Quinceanera. a House oversight hearing devolved into chaos after Marjorie Taylor Greene and Democrat Jasmine Crockett traded insults.
I think your fake eyelashes are messing up. somebody's bleach, blonde, bad built, butch bodied. Don't tell me to calm down. you're out of control.
Jerry!
Feels like I'm watching the waffle. House of Representatives. President Biden announced that he's raising tariffs on Chinese electric cars to 100 percent. Unfortunately, Chinese electric cars is just what Biden calls Mario Kart. a growing number of black men feel like the Trump and Biden campaigns are not actually trying to forge true relationships and just want their votes. during a new interview with Abc News, Steve Bannon called himself the voice of Maga and also the face of gout. people in Paris with disabilities are saying that the city has not fulfilled its promise to make it universally accessible before this summer's Olympics. and officials admit they're having some safety issues with the new Eiffel Tower wheelchair ramp. the Faa revealed that Donald Trump's Boeing 757 clipped a parked plane when it landed in Florida. But the good news is, Donald Trump flies around in a Boeing, So. this summer, two separate broods of cicadas will be erupting from the soil at the same time, making this the largest gathering of the insects since 1803. here to comment are two Cicadas.
Cracking y'all, Summer of 2024. Party rockers in the house tonight. you guys are in a good mood. cause it is finally time to party, I've been underground since 2007, and I've been underground since 2011. I started winning. Well, we're here now, and we got one wild summer to mingle, mate, and chirp as much as we please. Look, I'm not doing sugarcoaster, man. I'm probably going to die tonight. a lot of us are going to get eaten by birds, probably millions, no doubt. our lives as cicadas are brutal and short, so we got to have fun, just get out there and hump and scream and die. Yay! All right. that's great. it's great, guys. so what's on the agenda? Oh, we got big plans, man.
I'm hoping to fly into a little kid's shirt and make him go, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. I love doing that, man. it's like my favorite thing, except mating. Oh, mating? yeah, do you think you'll be able to find a mate? who you talking to, man? I just shaded my exoskeleton, looking fresh. And who wouldn't want a piece of this? I'm super loud, I got crunchy wings, and both of my eyes are way over on each side of my head. it's called sex appeal, calling a read about it.
Well, best of luck. I know you guys have been waiting a long time. 17 years underground, man. I'm about to get mine. Colin, I'm looking for Mrs. right now. that reminds me, I got to take some skater bitches. Okay, hold on a second. is that a motor roll, a sidekick? Yeah, it is, Colin. My man is old school. Speaking of old school, back in 2011, we used to say, Gucci, Gucci, Louis, Louis, Fendi, Fendi, Prada. But bitches, bitches, wear that stuff so I don't even bother. nobody sings that song anymore. Seems like a lot has changed.
Yeah, well, I like change. and I know that this might get me in trouble, but I'm just gonna say it. I think it's okay for gay people to get married. controversial. right. Well, guys, the whole country actually legalized gay marriage back in 2015. really? that's great. Congratulations. congratulations to you. congratulations to you, man. that's good for everybody, Okay? okay. yeah, thanks very much. so disturbing.
Yeah, there's gonna be thousands of thick little cicada butts in there calling just shaking ass and being loud as hell. Let me tell you, some cicada ladies are gonna have my cicada babies. this summer, this summer is going to be glorious. a time to explore, to laugh, to love, to enjoy each and every moment before we hit a car windshield so hard, our ass goes through our brain. Two Cicadas, everyone. let's get close.
The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show has selected a miniature poodle named Sage as the winner of the title best in show, while the loser is once again every human participating in this event. Tom Brady revealed that he has regrets about last week's Netflix roast, saying he didn't like the way it affected his kids. but that isn't stopping him from performing in Tomorrow night's Netflix roast of Tom Brady's Kids. King Charles' official portrait is being criticized for depicting him on a harsh red background. but in a royal family, that's better than having a black background.
I thought they liked that color. better you than me. a high-end fashion brand is selling a pair of jeans for $800, which appear to have a pee stain on the front. jeans with a pee stain on the front? please, I can make those in my sleep. Mcdonald's is releasing a new Grandma Mcflurry, which they say tastes like Grandma's favorite treats that she hid in her purse. it's a combination of butterscotch, crunchy candy pieces, and a big black vibrator. No, I won't do it on air then. it was reported that a yacht in the Strait of Gibraltar was sunk after a group of Orcas attacked it. Nice try Orcas, but we're never releasing the prisoners. a growing number of high-end luxury apartment buildings around the country are offering new amenities, including Iv drips to help recover from hangovers. And if that sounds appealing, learn more at Alcoholics Anonymous. an upcoming Tv special starring actor James Van Der Beek will attempt to raise awareness about prostate cancer testing. it's called Dawson's Crack. it's just good information. that's just great. that was a beautiful thing.
Well, tonight is our season finale, and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read. Yeah, we're making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before. that's right, and let's not applaud yet. The idea is, of course, to give each other fun jokes, almost supportive jokes that would never ruin our summer or our career.
Yeah, but before we start, last time we did this, I hired an actress to pretend to be a Civil Rights hero, and that was low. So to make it up to you, this time, I invited an actual practicing Rabbi. please welcome Rabbi Jill. go ahead, Tyler. why don't you tell the first joke? I'm just as excited as all of you. pro-palestinian protesters walked out of Jerry Seinfeld's commencement address at Duke University, and I think that's disgraceful. during these difficult times, it's important to support our Jewish friends. that's why the only chant you'll hear from me is Free Weinstein. keep fighting, Harvey. Am I right, bubble up? that's how she did. that good. I wouldn't have said that.
Pope Francis said this week that sexual pleasure is a gift from God. Unfortunately, it was in response to the question, should the church still have Altar Boys?
Speaking of kids, new data shows that middle school students have only made up a third of the math skills. they lost during the pandemic. their math was so bad, they didn't get it when I texted them. you plus me equals 69. Wow. Okay. hey, you put it in text. Chat. Oh, God. Chat Gpt has released a new voice assistant feature inspired by Scarlett Johansson's Ai character in her, which I've never bothered to watch because without that body, what's the point of listening? we got a little more there. So Rabbi Jill, if you're here, who's controlling the weather? I didn't even get that joke, Colin.
Multiple women have posted videos on Tiktok claiming that while walking the streets of New York, they were randomly punched by men. Well, then, damn, get the hell out of my way, bitch. And speaking of bitches, I want to call out the biggest bitch of all, Kendrick Lamar. or should I say littlest? Oh, your war with Drake may be over, but your war with Michael Che is just beginning. So to quote Hamilton, shoot your shot player. that was pretty well done, man.
Okay. Oh, I don't like that one. Well, this next joke might be a little too offensive for me to say. So Rabbi Jill, will you be a Mensch and help me out? How? would you hand me that puppet? What? College! Don't Use The puppet! Oh, my God. it was reported that Comcast, the owners of Nbc, told Msnbc to curb their criticism of Israel. and if they don't, we'll hit them with our space lasers. Oh, no!
Rabbi. Rabbi?
For weekend update. for weekend update, I'm Colin Che. I'm Michael Che, I'm a British lover. |
cracked | if_disney_cartoons_were_historically_accurate_disney_musical_parody_with_rachel_bloom | Oh birds, at sunset I wander through the village, Glowing in the twilight and so quiet. Well it's quiet cause most people died of a plague, Caused by jealous witches. I wander through the village and I think, That my life is missing something dear. As I stop to rest and cough a blood, I wonder when will I find my prince. I wander through the village and I noticed, That everyone but me has found a love. There goes the blacksmith with his daughter wife, Ten years old and pregnant with her brother son. I wander through the village sighing deeply, Seeking guidance from the statue in the square. It's a statue of Christ, Undorned with weak hands. Oh when will I find my prince?
Oh look everyone, It's my friends from the forest, the Jews. Hello Jews. You know I never did ask you, Why do you live in the forest? Oh I see, To hide from people trying to kill you. Well that's very resourceful my big little friends.
Tell me, Have you ever had a dream that you thought wouldn't come true? Oh I see, Your dream is that people won't want to kill you. Well that's definitely a dream that won't come true.
Oh well goodbye, goodbye. Jews.
My prince, We'd have a wedding elegant and rare. We'd dine on kidney cream and horse vagina, Drink champagne and torture a bear. Oh if I found my prince, The castle would be filled with love and laughter. And he'd fill me with his seed, Forceably and rough. I'd give birth to a son and then die right after.
I wander through the village seeking answers, But love hasn't given me a glimpse. It isn't in this shop or in this cart of baby corpses.
Oh when will I find my prince? When had Jesus? Oh when will I find my prince? Prince! Hello!
Oh fuck. Hey there, thank you for supporting Cracked. If you'd like to subscribe you can do that at any time. I know that you're a big fan of sore and erotica, which I've done before. And unfortunately I'm out, but I thought maybe I could just come up with some on the fly.
Parker took off his pants and the girl that was with him was like, Yeah, that's a dick. And he was like, I know. And then they were going to have sex. And he was like, but I'm also a horse. No he's not a horse, that's bad. He's a human. But he's like a human that can like, He has like wolf-like powers. Like the kid from Abandoned, abducted. |
dropout | christmas_elves_vs_fantasy_elves | 🎵 🎵 Frost my toes! Who could that be? I don't know! Delario! What a surprise! Delario?
Greetings, mother and father. Long have been the hours of my journeying to arrive here for Christmas.
What the fudge are you wearing? Oh, these are my iron silk robes. Light as a feather, but stronger than- You look ridiculous, is what I'm saying. He does! You ever see an elf wear something like this before? I mean, look, no tights, there's no bells. That long cape, that'll get stuck in a toy machine for sure. Your foreman lets you wear that? Okay, all the elves in Calendil wear iron silk, Dad. If you can call them real elves.
Tell us all about Calendil. How is everything there? Well, mom, it's honestly great. The shining jewel of the east. Where a multitude of voices rise to sing the secrets of the moon to the forest.
You still in that little hut? Hut, for real? That expensive little hut last time we saw you?
I yet dwell in the house of the crescent moon, if that is what you mean. No, it's much cheaper to live here. There's a gingerbread house for sale on bubblegum lane. It only costs three songs. Well, mom, that sounds great, honestly, but, you know, then I'd have to live here. And what's wrong with living here?
It's small, and it's quite cold, and everybody who lives here has to work for Santa Claus. Has to, gets to. That's good, honest elf work there.
What do you do in the big city, huh? What do I do? What do you do?
I forge fallen stars into the blades of champions. I whisper enchantments into the shields that guard the realms of men. You make money off of that? Sink on. Well, I'm curious. I don't understand. Do people pay for that?
You know, maybe I don't make a toymaker's salary, Dad, but at least I'm not a slave to a fat human. Oh, oh, oh my God! What did you say? You do not talk about Santa like that. Not under this roof, you hear me? I'm sure he didn't mean it. I did mean it, Mom.
Santa is a dark wizard. No. Who has enslaved the priests of elves. No, you're wrong. You take that back.
We don't have to talk politics. Santa is a good man. He gave us dignity, and he gave us jobs, all right? You can learn a thing or two from him, like how to make a wooden train, for one.
Or a dolly. I bet you can't even do a merry jig, huh? Huh? Can you do a merry jig? Can you tell Ariel? Huh?
I don't think it's a mystery that I have never enjoyed jigging. No. No, you didn't, did you? You never cared for jigging.
It was always the ancient magic this or the secret lore that you couldn't just be a normal elf.
Whoa, okay. Hold up.
What is a normal elf to you? I'm a normal elf.
That's super racist. Oh, I guess everything's racist now. High elves, North Pole elves, wood elves, blood elves, brows, fairies.
No, no. You get out. You get out. You hear me? Get out.
Go back to your runes and your tree spirits. Jokes on you, Dan, because runes and tree spirits kick ass.
No, it's weird. It's weird you should be offended by that.
I'm going to see what my high school friends are up to. I received a message from Chad and T-Bone by Raven that they were going to hang out at Kumbi's later and do whippets. No, they're at the workshop. They're at the workshop where you should be, too.
All right. I think I'm just going to get my bow and head out. Oh, Delario, please stay. You only just got here. Sure, Jingle, sorry. I'm not. Before I go, a single gift in parting. The flower of the sun at dawn may it shine a light for you when all seems lost. Merry Christmas. Oh, you didn't even wrap it. |
Wizards_with_Guns | real_estate_is_not_as_easy_when_you_re_selling_sand_castles | Are you tired of house hunting? Are you tired of being hunted in your own house? Are you tired of your real estate agent staring through your window, talking a quick peek at your eggs? Have you ever opened up your phone to see a picture of your real estate agent as your wallpaper background and you don't know what, you're aware of where it came from?
You try your best to delete it, but it keeps coming back. It's there. Every picture you flip through it, one more, you're released.
If you answered yes to any of those questions, then we're the real estate agency for you. I'm here with loyal customer Dan Hyman who gave us $400,000 to finance a brand new beachfront property. Dan, are you ready to see the new place? Yeah, I'm excited. Okay, here it is.
What? I don't understand. Where's the real house? Here, at Sandcaster Real Estate, we're dedicated to selling you the finest- Did you spend my money on sand? Did you? Is my money sand now? Excuse me, you can't be here. This is private property. What?
I don't own this land! No, but you get to keep all the sand! Buying a house is such a hassle. Why don't you finance a sand castle?
Hi, I'm Bing Mexico. And I'm his brother, Mexico.
When our parents died in a sword fight, we inherited $45 million. And we spent it all on sand! We got so much of this stuff, we don't know what to do with it! So we're passing the savings on to you!
Hear ye, hear ye, can anybody hear me? How about you try being the king of your own castle? Assholes!
Take a look at this modest supper home in the Clampins. Four bed, three bath. The tides are high but the prices are so low. Check out this bumpy loft. It's so soft. Three bedroom, two bath.
One bath! And this studio apartment comes with all the, shit! Stop! It's in my eye! Our offices are literally the ocean, so come on, drown!
I don't know! People are constantly asking us, how do you disclose contingent liabilities for municipal housing costs in a sand-based economy where loan sharks are real sharks and Shell Corporation sells seashells by the seashore? And to them we say, I don't know, Karen, I'm a grown man and I sell sand for a living.
Every time the wave crashes, so does the market! Our investments are literally liquidated through our very fingers. So we need you to dig us out of this hole or we're dead in the water.
Oh my god, B! B! B, no! B! We lost it all! No! We lost everything! B!
We'll be back in the sea! Yeah!
Call the number below. At 1-800-OUR-MONEY-IS-SAIL.
Ah!
Does it hurt? Oh, it's bad.
Don't touch it!
No! Oh! What? Oh god! What?
That was our house! One, action. No but you get to keep on the sand! Ha ha ha! My money's all sand now. Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh! Oh, we're out of money, we're out of money!
Oh, can I borrow a dollar? Can I borrow a dollar?
Yeah, okay. Oh! Oh no! One, action. Our assets are literally... Ha ha ha ha! Shut down!
Yep, yep, ready? Ready? |
dropout | why_are_my_nipples_pixelated | Morning. Okay, what can we do for you today? I don't know. I was giving myself a breast exam this morning and something's wrong. Okay, well let's take a look.
They're all blocky and square and weirdly colored. I don't know what's happening to me. This is nothing to worry about. This is a textbook case of pixelated nipple. I don't understand. Oh, your nipples are going to be square and blocky, fleshy mosaics forever now.
What? Why? Well, there are many possible causes, although most doctors believe it has to do with elevated levels of sexiness in the system. Are your nipples sexy?
No. Not even a little bit. No more than yours.
We'll have to run some tests to be sure, but I think they might be sexy. They're not to me. Well, I think they are.
But I don't. Well, I do. I don't. But I do.
Okay. Never mind. Just, is there anything we can do?
Because I don't want my body to look like this. Well, I suppose there is an experimental procedure. We could take a pair of male nipples and attach them here and here. Why would that do anything? Male nipples are just far less sexy than female nipples. On the other hand, your body could reject the transplant. It's all very complicated. What does that even mean? They're nipples. There's nothing complicated about them. No, no, no, no. Nipples are one of the most complicated body parts. Look here.
This is a female nipple on a female breast. This will very frequently be pixelated. But the very similar male nipple on the male chest never is. And the female nipple on a very flat chest is still pixelated. But a male nipple next to a logo that we did not get clearance for, well, the logo is pixelated, the nipple is fine. And consider also this big bloody bone jutting out of a woman's chest. Now, the nipple is pixelated, but the horrible gory gaping wound is not. I don't get it either. And our final one here, a woman's breast with no nipples. Now, this is not pixelated. But what happens when we add male nipples?
Boop, boop, and there you go. Just like that. So that's what happens to a poster.
We don't know what happens to a human. OK, then what can I do? Oh, well, you don't have many options.
You could try attaching a baby to one of your nipples. That would make everything much less sexy. The pixelation could go away. But you do run the risk of the pixelation spreading to the baby's face. No, thank you. Well, if you're not into that, I suppose you could move to some topless tribe somewhere, maybe in the Australian bush. Like diabetes, pixelated nipples is largely a first world disease. Yeah, I'm not going to do that.
Either, OK? I just want my nipples back. Normal nipples, like you have, like thousands of women in Europe have. Look, I know how hard this must be for you to see your body changed against your will. I have a pixelated dick. Oh my god. Or a penis, as doctors usually call it.
Yeah. Is it cold in here? Yeah. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe, click here. If you want to watch more videos, click here. And if you want to investigate the spooky old McCreary house, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87. |
dropout | animorphs_and_azkaban | From J.R.R. Tolkien to George R.R. Martin, nerds are passionate about a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else, and that is correcting people. This is Unactually. Joining us today, we have Allie Beardsley. Hello. Zach Sherwin. And Siobhan Thompson. Guys, I'm reading the Broken Earth trilogy right now, and you have to get on this. They're really good.
We're going to edit that out. Edit out all recommendations of good books. If you check out online, you can use my discount code, which is Siobhan2018. They just send me more copies of the same books, and I'm in it. Go to amazon.com slash Siobhan.
It was special. I get a little kickback every time we go there. So if you're not familiar with how the game works, it's very simple.
I have here a stack of statements, these are false statements, about the franchises that are nearest and dearest to your hearts, or if not your hearts, someone's hearts. It's up to you to find a thing that I've said that is wrong, buzz in and correct me. There's only two rules. You must proceed all your corrections with the phrase, um, actually. If you don't, you won't get a point. The other is that you can interrupt me at any time. You don't need to wait to hear the point I'm making. You can just interrupt me and prove that you know that I am wrong.
Let's jump right in. This first question is about Harry Potter. The Hippogriff Buckbeak is saved in the Prisoner of Azkaban when Harry and Hermione steal a time turner from Professor Dump- Yes, Siobhan. Um, actually, they do not steal the time turner that Dumbledore gives it to them. That's correct. They don't steal it.
She's so cool and I'm so proud of her. I love her.
Do they say mafs? They do. They say mafs. They. Those wizards. It's a crazy wizard word. It's called mafs. Wizards drive on the other side of the road.
It's easy to joke about though, but I know so many people who would have used a time machine just so that they could take extra math classes. I would use a time turner solely for procrastination, right? It would be like, I have to get this thing done. Well, alright. Could you fast forward to when you had somehow already done it without ever actually doing it? That sounds like the kind of time machine that I would want to use. Because there's definitely been times where I've been like, I know I'm going to meet this deadline. I know I'll finish it and it will be fine. And it's just going to be a real slog to get there. Could you jump forward to the point in the future where you already traveled back in time and killed Hitler and everything is great, but you didn't actually have to do the unpleasant job of killing Hitler? I'm going to skip ahead 15 minutes and in that 15 minute span, that's the span where I would have jumped back in time and taken care of all this stuff, so 15 minutes from now is when I will have already corrected the timeline.
It's just like killing Hitler is such a slog. I know I'm going to kill Hitler and I'm driving with him and you've got to find the right costume. Why are you wearing a costume when you kill Hitler? Because you've got to be back in time, you want to be incognito.
Oh, like a uniform? Yeah. Or like, she's in uniform. She's cosplaying. She's in a ladybug outfit.
Die, Hitler! I'd be a minion to kill Hitler. One of the craziest parts of history, Hitler was killed by a woman in a ladybug costume with a Luger.
This is about Animorphs. Tobias Santarelli becomes a nofflet, an andalite word for one who is trapped in their current body when he is turned into a red-tailed hawk by a fearsome piece of york technology known as the Morph Gun. Zach. Then your technology wasn't fierce. Nope, nope, I'm sorry, I like that you're focusing on the adjective, but no. Siobhan. Actually, he's not stuck in a red-tailed hawk thing. He can change back and forth. No, he is stuck. Allie. Um, actually, he's not forced to stay like that because of a Morph Gun.
It's something else. That's correct. Can you be more specific? It's called a Morph Trigger. You're correct in what is wrong. You're way wrong on what it is, but I'm feeling generous, you will have a point. It's a king of points.
He's not trapped when he's hit by a Morph Gun. All the Animorphs were given the ability to morph by andalites, the aliens who give them this technology that is a boon. But if you stay in one form for more than two hours, you get stuck in that form. So it wasn't a weapon that stopped him. It was the very nature of the Morph Power. The very nature of the Morph Power that he disobeyed.
Every time we play this game, I wish, as a child, I had listened more to the shit that my sister was obsessed with. Was she in the Animorphs and you weren't? Well, because I just was like a little bit too old by the time that Animorphs came out that I was like, those were for children. And I read the adult fantasy books. Thank you so much. There's some very light, heavy petting in the books that I read, and that makes them more for grownups. Because you can almost divide it by year. It's like, that is appropriate for eight-year-olds, this is for ten-year-olds.
This is about Lord of the Rings. With the exception of several featured hobbits, such as Rosie Cotton, women are few and far between in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. From the missing endwives to the dwarf women hidden away under mountains, only three named female characters feature prominently in the film trilogy. Galadriel, Arwen, and Aylin. Ally. Um, actually, Gollum is a woman. I don't know how Gollum is identifying these days.
Um, actually, that spider, Shelob, is a female? No way! That's amazing! That was supposed to be a feeble joke answer. No, Shelob is a hundred percent woman, and she features prominently in the film. Wait, she's a spider. Oh, sure she's a spider, but she still is she. I like how you're arguing your own morning, like, it's bullshit, I shouldn't get a point. I mean, gender's a construct, but I feel like she's a female, but is she a woman, really?
I also said only three named female characters. Oh, you did say female characters? I said three named female characters feature prominently.
Send those points on over. Snag that joke point and treat it as her own child. On the board. It feels great.
Here come the Men in Black. Galaxy defend. The story of the Men in Black, Earth's clandestine defense against a galaxy full of strange civilizations and species, starred Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith, and featured Smith's first solo single post-Jazzy Jeff called Men in Black, which earned him a golden raspberry at the Razzies. Ally.
Um, actually, he didn't receive a golden raspberry. That's crazy. That's correct. There was no golden raspberry for that song. In fact, that song won a Grammy. It's a great song. I miss the time when there were fun rap songs about what happened in the movie after the movie.
I just love that. I love Wes. Won the golden raspberry.
That's it for this preview of Um, Actually. If you enjoyed it, I have good news. There's a lot more of it over on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. And fun fact, I'm not wearing any pants right now. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_an_nft_enthusiast | Why would you buy a house if you can buy the NFT and sell it for a house? There's a lot of strategy that goes into the stinking GM Yeah, so this make working I don't like it and F NFTs NFTs are the future. I think every new technology is Exciting what environmental impact?
Oh, there's another collection out. Can you give me the name the next Picasso's on NFTs? That's not Picasso. Now. I gotta sell it again.
It's going to explode web 3 web 4 Web 5 it's going to be huge. Most people will miss out.
That's how technology works bull market. It's not about ego Yeah, frame NFTs to show support for the technology. Let me explain to you MFT NFTs, this is a $50 bill It doesn't matter. It's fiat. It's actually fake and kind of bearish on fiat I'm kind of bearish on old people in general and if I turn this into an NFT I have five hundred dollars and the guy who sold me the NFT also has five hundred dollars I mean not dollars real money ETH. We both created value. That's how technology works Technology ERC. What solidity?
Solidarity remakes roblox hard head. Is that a trade Lamborghinis are kind of inconvenient. Like where would you store them? then diversify diversify Portfolio I read it in a guide five ways to get a Lambo Well, I saw a video on YouTube media Twitter ready to score for Chad to Chad Chan Chan some sketchy forum Facebook, that's where all the fake news are better way of relating online to who crypto punks, man I wish I could buy one of those. I'm back in the old days two months ago I'm pretty old in this scene crypto moves fast. I haven't figured out what that means yet bored ape yard club I am part of it. I owner I Own an I mean, I don't own an original part of the movement 15 year old selling monkey heads Everyone has different hobbies. I used to sell baseball cards I mean, I didn't but I could have now people are selling pictures of baseball cards for millions Technology school is overrated. No, seriously, my school is selling for five ETH overpriced regulation Mmm, I don't know about that. I don't know about all people in general Here's the problem with the government government government government government the government government is slow. Banks are bad He sees our dated video cassettes. They break not like NFTs traditional finances broken kind of bearish on that wealth redistributor register just world wealth World risk wealth redistribution. Yes Oh my website Chi dot I owe 15 year olds used to watch Pokemon on TV now They watch poke one on ether scan technology progress. So NFTs are not permanent. They can change the image Why is nobody told me this I said on the best discord forums Twitter channels medium blocks sketchy forums 4chan channels and it's much easier.
You just click a button actually two buttons So I drew this NFT now it's selling for 10th. I guess I'm an artist. I didn't even know I mean, I didn't draw it. I hired someone.
Yeah NFTs empower creativity on the internet. Yeah, I got scammed a couple of times Yeah, I lost a lot of money, but that doesn't make up for the gains. It's just part of the game Yeah, I generally trust people in this space trust is kind of the whole point. At least that's what they always say Yeah, investing is hard work. I need to check when to buy I need to see when the price goes up and when the price goes up you sell No, you never sell you hold or hold. I think that's the technical term You need to understand the potential of NFTs the potential of the technology the cost of innovation the technology The money isn't that what technology is made for money I'm still learning metaverse web 3 web 4 web web 2 no I think that was before that was in the 2000s because web 2 here is how it works I take a painting not this one. I already own the NFT. I take a picture I uploaded on Rarible super Rarible or open C closed C foundation Rarible super Rarible open C and BAM Money, I mean not this real money eat.
Hmm. That's how easy it works. There is no stealing That's because the tech is secure. I mean that's kind of the whole point.
Oh the Mona Lisa Yeah, that'd be nice to have does it come with the NFT? Let me introduce you to my culture my curated collection I have a chubby core koala intelligence my head already bit of doki-doki pixies in my mind and ghosts in my wallet You're saying they haven't painted all of those images they generated them so I could create one too It sounds like a lot of work and all this because there's some text and Japanese guy invented Satoshi Nakamoto No, the guy who drew the NFT Bitcoin will blow up.
Ethereum will blow up. Dogecoin will blow up. Sketchy coin will blow up. Dogecoin will blow up. Ethereum oil will blow up It's the next big thing.
So open C doesn't own the images and who owns them. What can you do with it? I mean you can look at them. These are not permanent.
Oh, do you need a pen? It's okay I got the NFT. Oh, do you need the car keys? I got the NFT Transaction fees will go down. They always announce that so it needs to happen someday That's called Consensus. Are we doing a show you NFT at the end of this? I wasn't going to Docs anyway. Oh, man Forgot my meter mask password Focus what what can I get you? |
TheOnion | Santorum_Now_Viciously_Condemning_Homosexuals_Minorities_Women_For_100_000_Speaking_Fee | Rick Santorum is now viciously condemning homosexuals, minorities, and women for a $100,000 speaking fee. Maya Angelou thinks she should be invited to more White House stuff, and the whole guitar music fad has run its course. Sometimes I drive around at night looking for anyone willing to listen to the cold yet soothing resonance of my voice. This is the Onion Week in Review. This week, mothers across the nation invented a new drug to worry about, confirming that the completely fictitious new substance was appearing in schoolyards across the nation and is easily created from simple household products like sugar, window cleaner, and petroleum jelly. Calling the totally made-up narcotic Scramp, mothers in desperate need of something to fret over deluded themselves into constantly agonizing over the widespread drug epidemic that exists solely in their minds. My son sits in his room for hours and hours.
It must be Scramp. He's a Scramp head. I bet they'll figure out how to Scramp with this too.
Allentown, Pennsylvania, five-year-old Trisha Billings announced from her dining room Saturday that the circle was no longer her favorite shape. I don't like circles anymore. They're not my favorite. Radically reversing her three-week long pro-circle stance, the landmark declaration comes just days after the five-year-old changed her favorite color from red to purple. While experts have struggled to determine what Billings' interim favorite shape will be, the five-year-old assured reporters that the majority of her favorite things will remain consistent for the time being. I like hearts, diamonds, and macaroni and cheese.
Disney executives revealed in an interview Friday that all of the company's animated and live-action movies take place in a single, unified universe. Saying Never Neverland is actually mere minutes away from the jungle where Timon, Pumbaa, and Simba danced in a straight line and sang Hakuna Matata, company heads stated that every character from Air Bud to Jiminy Cricket all inhabit the same interconnected world just as Walt Disney envisioned it. A lot of people don't know this, but Daryl Hannah's character in Splash actually lives in the exact same coral reef where Nemo went missing. And if filmmakers so desired, they could have Princess Jasmine, for example, hop into Herbie Fully Loaded to go watch the Jonas Brothers 3D concert experience.
And in sports news, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown is making his comeback to horse racing as a jockey. In other news, a man confidently strides through a beaded curtain without parting it. A father takes a picture of his daughter every day from birth until he abandons his family. And the same homeless man is always begging for change on the same united flight. Stalled contract negotiations have prevented me from reviewing any more news until I receive a co-producer credit. But for more, visit TheOnion.com slash Newsbeat. |
dropout | apple_call_it_the_iwatch_and_we_ll_kill_you | The Apple Watch is the most revolutionary device we have ever created. Its design makes technology uniquely personal, and if you call it the iWatch, we'll fucking kill you. It's called the Apple Watch, don't call it the iWatch, that's not its name. The back of every Apple Watch contains four incredibly precise health sensors, and also it has Apple Watch written right there on it.
So the only reason to get it wrong is if you're a total dipshit. We appreciate that you people are such slaves to our branding that you're adding eyes to our words all by yourselves, but seriously, fucking quit it.
Only Apple could make a product as beautiful as the Apple Watch, so only Apple gets to name it. You want to name a revolutionary smartwatch, build it your fucking self, asshole. If you go to an Apple store and ask for an iWatch, they won't sell you one.
In fact, you'll be asked to leave.
We are design geniuses, and even we don't understand what's so fucking hard to get about this. Let's take a look at the box, shall we?
Here you have a picture of an apple. Next to it is the word watch. What is that spell? Apple Watch. Very good. Say it with me.
Please, just say it like I want you to say it. Here's the deal. Do as we say, and a lifetime of delights can be yours, but disobey and forsake any hope of ever owning an iWatch. Oh fuck, now you've got me doing it.
Hey guys, I'm Adam Conover from College Humor. Click here to subscribe or here to watch another video. I swear it's not going to be a video of Benedict Cumberbatch and Patrick Stewart nude oil wrestling.
It might be, but it's not. So just click on it and you can find out what it is. It's not going to be that, but you know, click it and you'll know. |
SaturdayNightLive | herb_welch_drug_bust_saturday_night_live | You're watching Wxpd News, New York. good morning everyone. our top story today, a prestigious New York College, is reeling following a drug bust on campus. veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene, who today is celebrating his 58th year at our Network. Herb? hello, John. hello, Herb. And congratulations.
Now, tell us, what's happening on campus? I'm here with Derek Smoltz Jr. Actually, it's just Derek Smoltz. I'm a junior in school. that's six of them. Now, tell me, what happened? Okay, the police came in with dogs and stuff, and they busted into the Hinkley Dorm. are you sleepwalking? do you have the flu? wait, what? wearing pajama bottoms.
Terry, get a shot of this. Okay, that's just like this is what I wear. Well, there you have it. changing times and changing fashions.
Back to you, Derek. No, Herb, no. let's follow up a little, Okay?
Did the young man know the students involved? come on. What? did the young man know the students involved? come on, dig deeper. let's go. don't give me the high hat. did you know the students? Yeah, actually, you know, I bought from one of the guys.
I mean, no, no, I don't know. are you sad they're tearing down Ebbets Field? come on, Herb. come on. I don't know what you're talking about. Exactly. let's stay on. story, please. who's your favorite player? is it Pee Wee Reese? you know, this guy like keeps hitting me in the face. is that, that's just how Tv works? No, no, no, it is not.
Herb, be professional. Jack, why don't you sit on your jacket and I'll do the news. Will you please ask him the question? did you know about the drug? um, I, uh. what? yeah. answer me. Okay. yeah, look, no one here is high, okay? I swear. excuse me. I'm an Ra here and that's not true at all. a sad day in Brooklyn. Back to you, Jack. No, Herb. Herb, no. Why don't you turn around and talk to that Ra? I'm not going to take reporter lessons from a can of Hairspray. Herb! come on, Herb. hold it together, Herb. play it on me, my man. what went down?
Uh, yeah. no one here is surprised. drugs have been a problem in the dorms for some time. There you have it. the City College now fully integrated.
No! no, that is not the story, Herb. don't tell me how to frame the lead. Hey, no way. am I on Tv? Well, it's Gecko, not Geico. get out of my shot, beaten it.
Oh, no, Herb, come on. Herb? come on, Herb. damn it. yo, Jack, hey, I mean, I know why you're angry, but this guy is, like, kind of awesome.
Yeah, well, he should be doing his job. Maybe I ought to be the anchor again.
Okay, you can't, Herb. you can't because you were fired for praying the rosary on the air. Father Pat says God loves Herb Welch. Yeah, well, Father Pat doesn't run the networks. don't talk about my parish.
Okay, all right, okay. all right, let's just cut away, Please. can we cut away? All right, our apologies to you at home. up next, we'll talk to Police Chief Ray Kelly.
First, some sad news. we've just received word that our own Herb Welch suddenly died five seconds ago. We go to the scene now. I'm not dead, you bastard. God Loves Herb Welch. |
cracked | the_aladdin_fan_theory_to_end_all_aladdin_fan_theories | Disney's Aladdin is the story of Jafar, a grand vizier in danger of being executed who desperately wants to marry and protect the Sultan's daughter from a lying creep. Or at least, that's the story Disney was actually telling. If you think about it, Jafar from Aladdin is a really great, good, nice guy. Jafar is regularly described as being the villain of the film. But is he? Aladdin is a violent thief, and yet he's the hero?
Well, let's look at the facts. Jafar has a pet, which is nice, and he really cares about his pet's health. Set your breath, Diago! That's real nice. Oxygen is important. And not only that, but he's punctual.
You are lame.
So obviously, we see, Jafar is nice. He also has a fun, dry wit about him. See, Jafar, he's delighted too. Ecstatic. Sarcasm is fun. It's good to have fun, but that's not the only good thing Jafar does.
We're led to believe he shouldn't trick the princess into marrying him, but he only tries to do that because once she marries someone and her dad is no longer Sultan, she'll kill him and his bird. Then she'll have us banished. Or beheaded.
Ooh. There's nothing wrong with trying to not have your head cut off. That's a good thing. He's pretty good in terms of the kind of guy he is.
And he's only ever trying to protect Jasmine from strange men who have questionable intentions. Aladdin doesn't even know Jasmine. He only starts talking to her because of her pretty face. And then he makes up a fake persona and stomps into her home with a parade and Jafar's not supposed to be suspicious. This new Prince Ali character is from a place that just now existed and he's a liar who Jasmine doesn't even like. During his entire intro song, she's all, what a buffoon, harrumpf about it.
The Sultan is instantly won over by Prince Ali, despite only hearing a song about him. He's all flair and literal bells and whistles. Jafar though, he knows something's up because clearly there is. Out of nowhere, some Prince and an enormous parade, how can you trust this guy? What if it's like a genie related situation? I mean clearly there's magic just floating around in this world, so why is the leader of this kingdom not more protective of his daughter? Jasmine and all of Agrabah are lucky to have a good, nice guy like Jafar pulling strings behind the curtain. I mean, think about it, at the end of the song, the genie turns into a little genie guy and f***s off into Prince Ali's hat. And for the rest of the movie, nobody's ever like, hey, where's that really weird shaped guy who danced with me, sang a fair amount of that amazing song, and then threw me across the room onto my throne. He also makes Raja cute as all buttons. It's great is what it is. It's great that Jafar is there to take care of everyone when clearly the dumb-dumb of a sultan isn't going to. And Jasmine clearly prefers Jafar. At one point, she goes so far as to pull him towards her and kiss him.
So like, why is everyone all bad about him? I don't know.
I just think that when you think about it, that it's really great. And that's why how, if you think about it, Jafar from Aladdin is a really great, good, nice guy. Raise Allah!
In fact, managing editor is sort of a misnomer because I do a lot of other things. In fact, it's kind of a dumb blase title. What I'd really like you to do is go into the comments and ignore everything that you just watched and only comment on what you think my new title should be. Nice things, preferably. You can go lowbrow, though. I don't mind. |
dropout | don_t_start_a_podcast_hardly_working | I can ride with you. Yep. Oh hey guys. Hey, guys, I've been meaning to ask you. I've been doing a podcast.
It's called West Wings. We eat wings and we watch the West Wing.
It's going to be super easy. You guys going to be guests? You go ahead. I'll catch up. That's weird, but okay. Do you forget something? Grant, hear the words that I say to you.
Your podcast will fail. Fail.
What? Hey, fuck you, man. No. Fuck you.
Fuck you for thinking that this world needs another podcast, and that people you know should listen to it. It's a bad idea and a waste of time. It's not a bad idea. It's a good creative outlet. Is that what you call an hour and a half of unedited bad audio from your living room? Yeah, why not? Do you think you're clever for thinking to review a television show? It probably felt nice when you realized there was a built-in structure. An episode of the show is an episode of your podcast. This has been done a million times, Grant. It's a bad idea, and your podcast will fail. Who cares? It's just for fun.
It's not fun for me. It's not fun for anyone, Grant.
What would you say is the value of it? I think it would be fun to hang out with my friends and watch my favorite show and meet wings. There's nothing wrong with that. There isn't. So why don't you just do that? Why does it have to be a podcast? Because at the end I'll have created something. Created what, though?
A half-baked take on the subtleties of Joshua Molina's performance while you suck the wing fat from your teeth? No one wants to listen to that. I think someone might. Oh, the hubris. You think your personality is so sparkling that people want to listen to thousands of hours of you meandering off-topic. Of your guests describing your apartment before the show even starts. Of your roommate coming home and being like, Sorry. Of you calling in a friend from New York who's super funny even though you don't have the technology to make that work.
Admit it. Admit what? Admit the deep down.
You know this is a complete waste of time. I already bought the gear. Return it. And then spend the money on literally anything else.
No!
It's fun! It's fun.
I don't know why you're saying this. You're supposed to be my friend. I am your friend. I'm the only friend you have left. And this is what friends do.
They call each other out on their shit and this is the worst kind of shit there is. Your podcast will fail.
But I love the West Wing. Zach, what's the holdup? We've got to record a new episode of West Wings and Wings. Are podcasts comparing the two shows Wings and the West Wing?
What the fuck? Wait, this is actually going to be good though. |
cracked | angry_birds_the_movie_what_did_you_expect_cracked_responds | Hey, Rosie. Hey, Cody. Come here.
So, uh, almost 15 million people have seen the Angry Birds trailer, which is a game I've, uh, movie, about a game I've never played. Not a trailer for the game, trailer for a movie. No, they made a movie of it. They've never played the game either?
You throw birds at a thing. Mm-hmm. And the other, the stuff falls over, and millions of people love it. Nice.
That was a beautiful island. Island only of birds? Yeah, that's why birds appear everywhere. Because it's an island only of birds.
Who else would show up? Birds don't eat sandwiches, also. Birds really eat whatever they want, I guess. Birds do eat bread. But do they make sandwiches? They're all bird hands.
Why are they just leaving? Yeah, like all three of them are just like this guy. The plot of this movie is that Red is mad because those three women are gonna f*** out of their bird. Right. Clearly. That's why he's so angry.
Hey, Red. How are ya? Oh, I'm horrible.
Everyone's really pleasant except this one bird. He's even got palm trees in his home on the beach. He also has a staircase going up, which seems unnecessary for a bird. Yeah, this guy hasn't made, and there's nothing. He should be angry.
We just murdered that child who didn't have any friends. That child died.
Friendless bird. Birds can't swim.
I think he's our protagonist. I mean, he clearly is. I mean, I'd be upset if a banana showed me its asshole. Sometimes when I get upset, I have been known to blow up. He gets upset and he blows up. Why is he upset that there's a surprise party for him? That's a nice thing. Party foul. He's even like apologetic about his anger.
Like, there's really just one asshole in this movie. Right. I needed one of those birds to be a chicken. Because party foul, because foul's the kind of chicken. You know? Well, nobody wrote this movie. So that's right.
That is an incredibly advanced, I think, like, steam punk ship. If you look at it clearly powered by a sail and steam. What were the gears powering? Gears were powering oars.
This is insane. So I have three ways to get forward. This is the pig. I knew there were pigs in the game. I don't know how they function, but... Pigs are the bad guys. Okay. This one seems real nice, though. Steel eggs. So we have to throw stuff at them.
We haven't seen any bird, though. Pigs are much smarter than birds. They're like objectively much smarter than birds.
Why does... Okay, this sign says, be happy. Smile. Welcome angry birds. Well, it was like, be happy, smile, welcome angry birds today!
In addition to being very bad moving, this is a poorly paced trailer. There's a lot of dead time. This scene is... Forever. Nine minutes long, whatever's happening? With no real payoff.
I decided I'm not gonna hit the sign. Then I hit the sign. And then, of course... The sign consequently hits him because of his own actions. Calms down. Not gonna do anything about the sign.
Also, it's like a creepy bird scarecrow. Yeah. It's horrifying.
I mean, I'm gonna keep him on a key. And we have a Peter Dinklage. You guys are wasting your talents every single one of you. Here's what they're showing us.
This bird is angry. I know, movie law. He's not gonna be angry by the end of the movie. What if it's the reverse and everyone else learns the value of anger? That'll probably happen at some point. Everyone will get angry. Ooh. So birds angry pigs come. They shake shit up. Bird challenges anger. Finds out that anger is the key to defeating the pigs. Yeah, uses anger, but also learns the value of controlling it. I bet exploding guy explodes at one point and takes some pigs down with him.
Yeah. Like finally when it... Maybe sacrifices himself. Like doesn't when it counts. Yeah. But at least 15 million people have seen this trailer. Yeah. Wanna watch it one more time? I do. Okay.
Hey everyone! Thanks for watching this video about Angry Birds. A movie that will make more money than any of us will ever even conceive of. Like and subscribe and comment. Now you'll see the movie with us. |
SaturdayNightLive | food_and_youtube_ft_lizzo_snl | Hey, Demetrius, have you been spending your nights lately? I sure have. I asked you how, not if. Oh, yeah, is that time all right? I guess it is time to sing about something that's very important to us. I do, do, do, do. I do, do, I'm weak.
And it's time to set the mood. with candles and bubbly whooply and a big-ass plate of food. Tommy's rumbling, and it's almost time to eat. to sit on down and dig right in with the best company.
But then I remember what you remember. there's no one home. I'm in the low. So I do want to always do an open Youtube on my phone. in the lawn, so I have to watch a Youtube. can't stay inside. let's go to Youtube. it's not sad. there's just no one here to talk to.
Scats. Do me, do me, Do me, do me with Youtube, Yeah. yeah, Youtube, yeah. food isn't Youtube. all I need is me and food And Youtube, Yeah. I'm eating pasta. watching someone make a lobster bisque. And me, I'm watching people popping pimples, or a random show loading clear. I've tried eating without it. and I'm never doing that again. And as for me, I've been pairing all my meals with amateur. documentaries that prove that the deep state is real. Wait, that's a really bad rabbit hole. living is the limit for a Youtube to eat and eating to live.
And I feel nothing at all. Wait, Demetrius.
I'm getting concerned about the content you're watching vis-a-vis Youtube. How so? I feel better than anybody on this flat earth. See, that verbiage is scary to me. You know what's scary is the stink dna of the rough child put into the vaccine to control your mind. Oh, no. Did you know George Washington's real name is Malcolm X? that's just not true. How the hell is your algorithm giving you this? let's ask ourselves. ladies and gentlemen, the Out.
I am the out bitch. I know you better than you know yourself. Oh, you watch travel vids to show you the world. here's the Timo Savage moments from the Golden Girls. Wait, I do like that. I take you down roads that you never seen. Bitch, I'm the architect of y'alls reality. Well, here's an idea. how about you two eat a meal together? eat the girls with you. but you too. you too. you're very, very high down. you both do, you two. do, do, do you want to do? ha ha ha ha. |
cracked | why_procrastination_is_actually_good_for_you | Are you procrastinating right now, as you watch me do, like, this? Well, if you are procrastinating, good job! Because contrary to what we've always been told, procrastination is in fact good for us. Don't believe me? Well then I guess you could stop procrastinating and start doing whatever thing you're putting off. Or you could listen to me say all the things.
Procrastination has only been considered a bad thing in pretty recent human history. Greeks and Romans regarded procrastination very highly. Those considered the wisest leaders were expected to procrastinate and basically walk or sit until they had to make some big decision. The E Ching philosophy promotes the natural order of the universe and the correct timing of actions. In fact, procrastination was really only considered a bad thing during the puritanical era when Jonathan Edwards made a sermon against procrastination. He preached how procrastination is lazy and sloth and how work requires immediate and diligent action. And it caught on! So now procrastination is considered a bad thing.
But it's not! It's great!
Procrastination allows your brain to relax and mull things over subconsciously without beating yourself over the head trying to get things done. Especially if you just keep working on it, going back over it, and tinkering with it. You drive yourself crazy!
The National Sleep Foundation believes that overwork ultimately makes us less efficient. You know, because we're tired and working too much.
So napping and resting and lying on the floor with your pets mimicking the noises they make instead of riding this rant is good for you! I wish I knew what my cat was saying. She says so much. Now let me be clear.
Active or structured procrastination can help you get more stuff done. How? Because while you dodge that one job you're not sure how to tackle, you do other random things you need to get done. So if you find that while you try to avoid researching that project or finishing that math theorem, I don't know what you do, you end up cleaning, or cooking, or organizing your emails. Great! Those are things that needed to happen, and you did them because you were avoiding something else.
Yeah! I know, right?
Procrastination makes you more creative! Or, as TS Eliot said, anxiety is the handmaiden of creativity.
Now you might be saying, but Carmen, you just talked about relaxing and napping and making noises at your cat. That's right. But then, after you do that, and the clock is ticking, your brain goes f***! And that's when you get creative, because working under pressure means you ignore that inner voice that says, are you sure about that, and all your preconceived ideas are forgotten so that you can get real original about your thinking. Yourself! That's right. A lot of times when we work we are our harshest critic, and we can pre-judge our own work to the point of not letting ourselves do it, unless you are working under a time constraint and the pressure of needing to get it done gets you ready to just kick out that work. Forget dotting the I's and crossing the T's, just make that s*** and release it like a baby bird on the f***ing wind.
A ton of very successful cool people are famous for procrastinating. Steve Jobs constantly procrastinated, practicing seemingly unrelated things like calligraphy that in the end helped influence his design of Apple products. Bill Clinton waited last minute to revise his scripts. Frank Lloyd Wright procrastinated for almost a year while on commission. Abraham Lincoln was rumored to have written the Gettysburg Address on a napkin on the train to give the Gettysburg Address. Margaret Atwood admits to procrastinating all morning until she quote, plunges into the manuscript in a frenzy of anxiety around 3 p.m. Aaron Sorkin is famous for putting off writing until the 11th hour, and when Katie Crick asked him about it he said, you call it procrastination, I call it thinking.
So instead of beating yourself up for being a bit of a procrastinator, embrace it, avoid that work, and scrub that bathroom floor, or go for a run, or watch cracked videos and learn new weird stuff. Your subconscious will keep working, even if it doesn't feel like it is. Just leave that 11th hour open so that you have time to finish whatever you are supposed to do, because there's a big difference between procrastination and just not finishing your...
Good. Hey, so, and wait. What? I had to write it... Shit. Um. Uh, okay, um, thank you for watching the video, uh, and something funny, um, if, I guess, if you want to keep procrastinating, um, make a comment, or watch more videos by subscribing, am I supposed to say something else? I didn't write anything else. |
dropout | now_is_the_time_to_do_something | The Muslim ban is going into effect. This is so scary. Damn.
You know, now is the time that we all need to step up and do something. Now? Yeah, now is the time. I mean, marginalized people have been oppressed for ages, so we should really always be stepping up.
Damn. You know she has a point? Damn, yeah.
Now is the time that I start listening to people that are different than me. You're not doing that before. You should always listen to people that are different from you.
Not just now. But now too.
Betsy DeVos got confirmed. She's awful. Damn.
You know, now is the time that we really have to start stepping up. You said this before. Did you not step up? I would have. But now I see that now is really the time. Trapp, it is always the time. There is never a time where we shouldn't be stepping up.
Damn. I really see that now. This healthcare bill is horrible. Damn.
You know, I thought it was the time to stand up before, and even once before that, but now I see that now is the time. Yeah, I mean, we all thought this would go away on its own, you know? No, we didn't.
I've really been thinking about things, and it's starting to dawn on me how dire everything is now. It's like news flash, Rekha. The country's divided.
Damn. He's right. Damn. I know the country is divided. People have been protesting for ages. Damn. We gotta step up now. That's so true. So true. Damn. Trump won't even condemn white supremacists? Damn.
You know, I think it is finally time for me to call my senator.
Were you not doing that before? I mean, we all thought this was going to go away on its own, you know? Totally. No, we didn't. Oh, this is going to be a whole thing.
I don't want to disturb anyone else in the office.
We live in a fascist country, boys. We're all doomed.
Damn.
Things are out of control now. Yeah, it's getting real.
Now.
Action. You see this article? Things are nuts now. I hate to drop this bomb. Drop it. We're really in crisis now. I may even have to register to vote now.
Damn. Damn, I know.
I'm not saying I will have to. I'm just saying I might.
Things are so bad they're not even funny anymore now.
Who knew we'd actually do all those things? No one till now. News flash. White supremacy exists. Who knew? No one till now. It's crazy that we're the first ones to see this. Who knew we'd be the peacemakers ahead of our time?
It's crazy that it's already not even funny anymore now. Yeah, it was funny, but it already even more not. Everybody shut up! So many people have been saying what you're saying. It was never funny and it was always bad.
Trump and people like him have been oppressing, marginalized people forever.
Forget now, boys. The time is always... Damn.
You know, I'm glad Rekha finally decided to say something now. Things are awful and they have been awful for a long time. And I am finally really ready to stand up and do something.
Oh, not now though. Later.
Guys, is this hat working? I feel like I've been wearing it for a while and no one's said anything. Things are great. |
SaturdayNightLive | nightline_actresses_not_nominated_for_oscars_snl | This is Nightline, reporting live from Washington, Ted Koppel. Steve, President Clinton and Republican Congressional leaders announced they had come to an extraordinary agreement on an agenda for the 110th Congress, but my superiors here at Abc News tell me that you, the American People, wouldn't be interested in a show about that. you'd rather dish about the Oscar nominations, which were also announced on Tuesday. So joining us tonight are three women who were not nominated for Academy Awards. from Miami, we have Madonna, who won the Golden Globe for her performance in the film Evita, but was denied an Oscar nomination.
Hi, Ted. Also with us via satellite from Las Vegas, he is Debbie Reynolds, whose highly touted comeback role in the film Mother was overlooked by the Academy. it's great to be on your show, Mr. . And finally, joining us from her home in Seattle is another unnominated performer, one of the stars of the People versus Larry Flint, Courtney Love. Hi, Ted. I'm coming to you from my favorite room in the house, my kitchen. that's good tea. elegant words from an elegant lady. welcome, Miss Love.
Now, in a culture obsessed with winning . now, Ted, Ted, let me just say that all the leading ladies who were nominated did marvelous work. they did. what do we got? we got Emily Watson. Bam! Okay. random tea, Ted. Nominees. nominees are all Tnt. would you buy that, Madonna? The five nominees all gave breathtaking performances. in fact, it made my triumph at the Golden Globes even more special, knowing they came against such stiff competition. Oh, yeah, the Golden Globe. Great.
Now, Courtney Love, not too long ago, you were considered something of a wild woman, stripper, wife of Kurt Cobain, lead singer of the rock group Hole. Now, after totally rehabilitating your image, are you thinking all this work for nothing? Courtney, Courtney Love.
Hi, Ted. I'm coming to you from my favorite room in the house, my kitchen. that's good tea. I bet it is.
Ted, be gentle with Courtney. she didn't win a Golden Globe. I mean, the globes are given by the Hollywood Foreign Press, I mean, meaning the whole world is really giving you the award. Yeah. nice, nice try, venerio girl. Okay. now, Ted, Ted, let me just jump in here again, because we ought to take a moment to congratulate the star of the number one movie in America, my daughter, Princess. And I got to say, though, I had a better ass than Carrie as recently as 1983. it's true, Ted. get your facts straight, Debbie. you obviously didn't see her in 1983's Return of the Jedi, many a lonely night after downing a six pack of warm Heineken. I took pleasure in the thought of her white, virginal flesh being slobbered on by that brown, shapeless mass known as Jabba the Hutt. thanks, Ted. I'll pass that along to Carrie. Anyways, Courtney Love, the new image didn't work, so it's back to the drawing board. your reaction? I mean, it was very gratifying to have the critics be so that people were saying really nice things about my performance in Fargo. you weren't in that one. you weren't in that. And the People vs. Larry Flint. right.
What? what do you say? What?
Psst. what time is it? Courtney. What time is it?
Courtney. your fans and I am one of them. we're so pleased to see you pull yourself together for this movie. I hope you're not going to disappoint us now. Courtney Love has apparently fallen asleep. Ted, I just want to reiterate that I'm very happy with my Golden Globe. Okay, you keep telling yourself that mattress back. Okay. Now, Ted, I don't mean to seem like a sore loser, but come on, let's call a spade a spade. come on, now.
Madonna? Yes, Madonna has apparently killed herself. that's about all the time we have on this particular topic, So let's . hey, you're not going anywhere, Pig man.
One, two, three, four. Ask a spectrum, how do I play? Ask a spectrum, I flow like my machine. I'm Mr. Storm and I move for a fight, Live from New York and Saturday's New York! |
Wizards_with_Guns | the_new_joker_film_looks_so_boring_ | Thank you for meeting me on such short notice, sir. I know you're a very busy criminal, but this is a very serious matter. Why? Well, I can explain.
So serious. Bottom line, we're in debt. Are you serious? Like a lot of debt. I mean, we're talking total bankruptcy by the end of the month.
This isn't funny. Because I'm not joking.
Look, we can't continue this pattern of radical spending. Radical spending? What are you talking about?
Six million on a fleet of combat ice cream trucks. 18 million on a bomb shaped like your head. 30 million on a blimp, also shaped like your head.
Please, that's not so bad. It says we burned $400 million just to send a message? Yeah. How much was that? It's 400 million.
You accountants never seem to understand. It's not about the money. It's all about the money, okay?
You wanna drop a 12-story hammer on the Empire State Building? Yeah, like a big nail. How do we pay the civil engineering firm who designs the hammer? What about the laborers who build it, huh?
What about compensating the assassins who kill everyone involved? Okay, fine, I get it.
Well, we'll just rob some more banks. No, you already filled every bank in the city with acid.
Oh yeah, that was funny. Okay, riddle me this. Not my thing.
Why do you need 6,000 decks of playing cards? How else am I gonna get Joker cards in bulk quantity?
Amazon! Huh? Amazon? Jeff Bezos?
Whoa, this guy's a villain. Look, I'm family friends with a guy who can give us a loan big enough to dig us out of this hole. Is it Jeff? No, it's Bruce Wayne. Oh, um. Relax, I'm calling him now. Oh, wait, don't! Hello, this is bad. Hi, I'm Bruce Wayne. Is that you? You gotta be fucking kidding. All right, calm down. We are so screwed.
Relax, I'm like the greatest criminal ever. No one's even tried to arrest me.
Because of the armies of cops, lawyers, and judges, we bribe with money. The same money you lit up like a fucking Christmas tree. The same millions you'll be thinking about during their millions of life sentences.
Look, I'm sorry if I... Oh. This is still funny. Oh. This is still funny.
Oh.
We can fix this. How much did that cost? I mean, it's custom. You want to know how to support the channel? It's simple. We comment, subscribe, and kill the like button. Oh, and every day you don't join our subreddit, a wizard will lose karma. Starting with Frank. I'm a mod of my word. Oh. |
dropout | girls_in_a_horror_movie_decide_which_one_is_the_slut | Oh my god, that means one of us is definitely gonna die yeah, and somebody has to go first Okay, well who does first in a horror movie? Okay? Let's think about it. Um in Halloween.
It's the slutty sister In cabin in the woods. It's a slutty girlfriend and scream.
It's the slave you're very more I think it's actually more of a toss-up than you actually think okay. Well if we're gonna start nitpicking over absolutely everything Can we please remember women's lip and that's a place slutty was sexually liberated Okay, we have to calm down in order to find out how we're gonna get out of here Okay, so let's all group deep breath on three. Okay, one two three Abby is that how you relax? Yes. Oh my god when I breathe deeply. I'm just sent into the sexual frenzy, you know No, no, no, no, no, no, no, am I the sexually liberated one now?
You know, we're not gonna die ladies what we need is we need a plant All right, Julie see that phone works Abby. Make sure that door is locked Molly. You check those windows.
Let's go Come on. Oh, I just want to throw this out there.
You're being kind of a bitch right now Good. The word is assertive. You're right. I'm sorry There's a downtown Windows locked doors secure No, I'm I'm wearing a flannel shirt In jean shorts. I have a black mask on that's really hot and sexy and filthy Julie are you any phone sex the murderer? Yes. Oh my god. I want you inside me Don't come in here No, no, it's not gonna be you you're too tall to die you mean too pretty Ridiculous, you're being a dick Molly. I believe the word you're looking for this cunt.
Okay, that's right We're taking now listen. Listen, we need to have a plan. All right, here's we're gonna do I saw us in a movie We're gonna lay down.
We're gonna act like we're dead. So the murderer comes in He gets like really confused and we run for the door. Okay, so go play dead Molly I am so sorry. It was not a toss-up Well, you said play dead and old habits die hard So I auto-eradically is fixated myself in front of my friends and now I'm just actually liberated one and I'm gonna die No one needs to die listen, we need to look around the room and find anything we can use the weapon, okay Show me what you got Oh |
cracked | a_jurassic_park_rap_battle_cracked_rap_challenge | Hello, and welcome to the Cracked Rap Challenge, the show where we take our in-house rapper, Michael Swame, AKA MS Word, and a special guest, lock them in a room for six hours and have them write a rap based on a challenge that you, the audience, came up with. Hey guys, good morning, thanks for joining me, how you doing? Good morning, Dan. Yeah, you want to introduce yourselves?
We've got Michael Swame, raise your hand. There you go. Both hands up. Adam, put your hands up. What's up? Both of them. Great.
So, I'm going to give you guys a prompt for rap, and you're going to have just a few hours to write it. You can confirm that we've never discussed this prompt before, right? Absolutely not. It's simple, this is our first episode of this, so we'll give a simple one, it's pretty easy. You guys need to write a rap that explains the premise of Jurassic Park to someone who's never seen it.
Yeah, perfect. That's easy, right? Oh, so easy.
Yeah, that's fair. The time starts now, I will see you guys in six hours. Six hours exactly. We are here for the Jurassic Park Rap Challenge with Michael and Adam. They've been practicing all day-ish, and I've arbitrarily decided, Michael's going first. Yeah, you're going to make it fast. You got this. Jeez. Okay, here we go. Deoxyribonucleic acid, that's how it starts.
These guys find blood in a bug, in a chunk of amber, in parts unknown. A torrid zone full of fauna, then on an island by the name of Island New Blar, they want to plant a prehistoric petting zoo.
Clone only ladies of the Cretaceous persuasion, but I guess life finds a way because, well, they're making babies, a storm's in sight. At that moment in time, the first tour arrives. What could possibly go wrong? Malcolm Cry's chaos may have the hurricane's butterfly's fault, a-dock, three docks, two kids, one word, fast food.
Plus, now we're on back of power, sabotaged by the fat dude from Seinfeld. Later, spit melts his face, only settlers saddled with Samuel L. Jackson's arm, but escapes, and the kindly head of InGen, who spared no expense, defends Muldoon, who was forced to shoot her, Newman turned off the fence, who was meant to prevent tyrant lizards mixing with kids. At least, it ain't the lawyer who was taking his shit, clever girl and boy, escape a very scary kitchen. As far as land vocations go, this one was pretty bitchin'. Dr. Grant loosens up, but he won't endorse the part. Let's roll, theater patrons shuffle off into the dark, somehow knowing this story needs a whole franchise telling it, Jurassic World, they're selling it, they're selling it.
Hahaha, yeah, what? Oh, get it? Did you say possibly? What could possibly go wrong?
Damn, you're like the Chaucer of this. You're inventing language, that was the best, dude, it was awesome.
Okay, I think I'm ready. Follow the best. Okay, hopefully.
Alright, we got a paleontologist, lady paleobotanist at the top of their field, and they rockin' this, but globetrotting diggin' for bones costs money. Despite their expertise, they still need a little funding.
Approached by this wealthy old dude with a beard, says, here's an opportunity, it's cool, but it's weird. I built a big zoo replicatin' yesteryear, just confirm that it's kosher and I'll make you millionaires. That's a done deal. They fly to their tropical locale, meet up with his grandkids and some other pals. They see ancient beasts, straight prints, and round the hills, they're like, damn, old man, you got the license to ill, that's the shit, homie.
Scientists hatchin' eggs in the lab, never thinkin' this whole thing could break bad, sayin' they can't even breathe, so we're totally safe. But it's like, I don't know, life will find a way, that's evolution, baby.
Then one dark and stormy night, a shady fat man, played by Mr. Wayne Knight, sneaks out and shuts off the power and the lights, lets the creatures loose and they're lookin' for a fight, so the chase is on. Grandkids shiver in horror, watchin' the carnage from their branded Ford Explorer, and a slimy lawyer, just concerned with the bread, gets bitten on their head till that motherfuckin' dead, gets a huge laugh. After some super close calls, our hero Dr. Grant steps up to save them all, and as they fly home safe and sound in the chopper, he's like, old man, your death park is improper, I cannot endorse it.
Point is, never underestimate the danger of intervening with mother nature. Side note, Steven Spielberg's I Can't Miss, the very same year the dude directed Schindler's List, which is so different. Oh, what's up? You can't.
Just well wrapped, guys. I'm fantastically done. I want to be. Please, I object pleasure. There are a couple things I wanted to pull out, you both, the endings of both wrapped were stellar to me, that you, the plot of Jurassic Park for you ends with people going home. By the way, every wrap is gonna end with that.
If it's not a movie, I'll be like, yeah, then the movie ends. It became pretty meta, like you had nothing, no romantic dissolutions that it was real life, it was like, and we'll watch it, we'll be experiencing this in a movie theater. Well, you also did that, you're also like, no, let's step back and take this film in the context of the filmic history.
The moment that stood out, like, Wayne Knight is clearly part of it, the lawyer getting killed is a huge, indelible impression on all of us, I feel like. The one that I was really sad I couldn't get in was Timmy getting zapped by the fence. But you did get it in there, you had the fence, you rhymed fence with paranoid fence, which I really appreciate. Timmy is mentioned, but yeah. But that's what I loved about yours, is I feel like you hit, I can't think of a scene that you didn't notice. Yeah, there was, yeah. I skipped a couple moments. Yeah.
I was hoping if I had to write a hook for this, it might be the, uh, uh, uh. I totally thought of that exact same thing, but I was worried you were gonna run out of time because you spent a lot of time up top, like, he's a paleontologist, she's a paleobontist, and they need money to fund their research, and I was like, no way, man. I just wrapped a biography of Sam Mio on the other end of it. I thought raptor was the word I most wanted to use and couldn't use it.
Was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a crunchy word, there's a lot of good things that rhyme with it, and they're like the Boba Fett of that. They're the thing you like. Yeah, you couldn't say raptor, Rex, or dinosaur. Yeah. Fuck, man. Although I got the Latin name of the T-Rex in there. Which is what, by the way? Uh, tyrant lizard. Good for you.
People in the comments, first of all, let us know which one of these guys won, because this wasn't a fun, like, let's just do this challenge, someone has to win, so let us know in the comments. And also, give us some ideas for future challenges, because that's where we're going to get these ideas from. It's you. I thought, we thought I won. |
dropout | Which_of_Your_Friends_Has_Their_Amber_Alerts_Turned_Off_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to The Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Val. And I'm Bob, we had a baby It's a Boy, like in that one commercial. You have to shut up. Okay.
For our first story, which one of your friends has their Amber Alerts turned off? Do they not know when they've been kidnapped, or are they kidnapping people so much they have to turn off their notifications because their phone was constantly blowing up? When asked for comment, Amber said that, quote, Every time someone silences my alert, it's like they're kidnapping me again.
Now a correction from last week, Regis Feldman is actually still alive and was not Cruel Intention by Jackie Harry, as previously reported. But it was a good guess.
Back to you. Thanks. Back to you.
Collect Calling. That's the commercial that my name is from. We had a baby It's a Boy? No. Bob.
Oh, now over to the weather. I'll handle that. Now, over to the weather. Yay!
Sorry, I thought I saw Dean K. Geico. It was a commercial for Geico, not Collect Calling.
You gotta shut up. Okay.
Weather is looking real bad out here in the Badlands of Badland County and no sign of Dean Kane. Dean? Dean, where are you?
And I text me when you... Ooh, it's more. And I text me when you get home. Bye.
The family was trying to save money by calling Collect. When they asked their name, they snuck a message into it so that they didn't have to pay for a whole call.
For our next story. Yes. Jackets. Mm-hmm. They're supposed to keep you warm. I know that's right. But you know that thing where you try to put a jacket on over a long-sleeve shirt and the jacket makes a sleeve on your shirt right up to your elbow?
Dean Kane! Now our field correspondent, Ho-word. Ho-word? Howard! It's Howard, you horse's ass.
Normally I would be upset by that, but nothing can bring down my sack today, for I have seen true love. At 32 years old, I didn't realize I had never seen true love until now. Keep in mind, my parents are still together, but all that proves is that two people who hate each other can learn to cohabitate. My grandparents have probably never been in love. All my grandmother talks about is how she never loved my grandfather and he caught her off the rebound. Somewhere along the way, the hope of finding true love in my life petered out to the point where I lost all sight of that fairytale goal of finding someone who gets you like no one else could. Probably around the tender age of 14.
When, just as my mother was backing out of the driveway to take me to school, I told her to stop the car because I'd forgotten one of my textbooks. When I got out, I saw an injured bunny rabbit behind the car. We would have run her over had I not needed to go back in the house. I nursed that bunny back to health and begged my parents to let me keep her. She kept me calm during the nights when I couldn't sleep for the sound of my parents fighting. Bunnies aren't supposed to be skittish, but not Suzy. It was like she knew she had to stay strong for me.
Later that year, droughts struck the town and with that came a great fire. Our home was one of those afflicted. Firefighters had to wrestle me to the ground and broke both my arms to keep me from rushing back into the house to save Suzy. The heat from the flames put goosebumps on my skin. As I beseeched the god I no longer believed in for a miracle that never came, I would have died to save Suzy.
And I've been spending my whole life looking for a love that strong. Anyways, all that to say, there's two ladies finger-fucking in the street. Yum, yum!
Well, that's all the time we have. This week's loser is me, Tao, because I couldn't stop laughing. 1010321.
Those were other good commercials. I love that commercial, actually.
Dial down the middle 1-800-CALLATT. Carrot Top! |
dropout | should_you_wear_a_man_bun | Oh man, I need a haircut. Or do you? Ah! I can't be that guy. What are you afraid of? Being mistaken for Jake Gyllenhaal or all the pussy? I, what? Wait, really? Jesus, no!
You're going to look like a samurai Keanu Reeves. Manbuns are the new face of masculinity. It's the rolled up sleeves of hair. Manbuns says I'm stylish, but I need my hair out of my eyes so I can use my hands.
Yes! Hey, you write for a blog, you don't have calluses, you have early onset carpal tunnel. Hey, pfft, check this out. Looks kind of cool. No, you are one pair of suspenders away from canning your own pickles.
Remember the beard? No. The beard was cool! It was so manly, and you never had to shave. Yep, that's exactly what you said, and then a month later you were spending an hour every day googling beard grooming tips and buying beard moisturizer.
If you want to like, try something, maybe like try the Macklemore. Oh, you mean the Hitler's Youth haircut. It's true, look it up. Listen to me.
It sounds cool and hip until you get to work on Monday, and everyone's got to come up to you and say, oh, manbun, cool, huh? That'd be my nightmare. The era of male coolness being defined by lack of effort is over. I mean, Brad Pitt, David Beckham, Bradley Cooper. No, any of those guys could wear Pippi Longstocking's pigtails, and girls would still want to fuck them. What's next to fucking braid? I mean, if Jared Leto wears it, he did. Then yes. You should get dreads.
No, fuck it, I'm just going to cut it all off. No! Hey, you're just scared. Yeah, a little bit.
Look, there's two types of people that wear buns. There's ballerinas and there's warriors. I mean, you want to be a warrior, but deep down inside you're scared that you're a ballerina, right?
Fine! God, want a manbun? All right, I'll put a manbun on.
I look like Pebble's Flintstone. You just need to let it grow out. Give it a month or two. It'll be out of style by then. You look like a geisha. Since the guy whose mom still cuts his hair, it's a good opportunity for her to see me! |
dropout | If_There_Were_Fashion_Shows_for_Exercise_Clothes | Hello, hello, I'm Angela Merkel. No relation. And I'm here with up-and-coming fashion designer and booty expert Candace Gladstone to discuss her spring 2020 exercise line. Angela, sweetie. Thank you for having me. As always, I love being here.
Fashion is literally big. Isn't it? It is. Let's get this show on the road. Sorry.
Here we have Davis. Now Davis is your classic macho meathead wearing a custom muscle tank that barely covers his nipples. It's basically a thong for his pecs. Davis's shirt says fighter, but the only thing he's fighting is to suppress his emotions. Now let's dish on those shorts. Okay, now camel is usually worn to blend in, but Davis here is using it to stand out.
Thank you, Davis. Thank you for your service. Do you think he's served?
I think, um, I don't know how that works. I don't know how that works.
I'm seeing a spider web of straps. We've got bras on bras on bras. What's going on here, Candace? We designed our sports bras with one thing in mind, to offer zero support so women everywhere are forced to double up. You sneaky minx, and I love to hate those loud neon shoes. Are they a fashion choice? Yes. Like every other brand, my exercise shoes are as ugly as can be. We believe that the shoes you wear the least often should attract the most attention.
Okay, well I'm paying attention. Yoo-hoo! Are you lost? The improv class is two doors down. Timothy here is in the right place.
This is what he wears to exercise. Free college tee and old jeans. Now, I love a denim look, but it's simply not breathable. Timothy physically went to the store and mentally thought about purchasing athletic clothes. Unfortunately, he saw the price tag and said, no way, buddy, I got enough jeans and free shirts from college at home. I'll just wear those. He's added a cap! My God, he's going to wear this straight to the bar after as a day tonight.
Look, hey, you know what they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and if it ain't cost no money, don't fix it. All right, Angela, who says that? I heard it somewhere once. Where? You tell me right now. Somewhere. You tell me. A place. Oh, I've been there. You know.
Who do we have next? Willow! Why does this woman have perfect makeup on? Is that a blowout and a Cartier bracelet? She should be up here with us. Angela, I will tell you now. Willow exudes ex, where we go? Okay, she's what you might call extra.
Now this is a common look you'll see in expensive exercise classes where status and image-obsessed people refuse to dress for the occasion. The occasion being a class that, if done correctly, should leave you dripping in sweat? Precisely!
Drew here is new to working out, and you can tell because he's terrified of injury. He spent hundreds of dollars on professional level exercise gear before even lifting a pinky. Those compression socks are cutting off the blood flow to his feet, and he doesn't even know how to use the equipment.
But don't worry, he'll never be back. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
Candace, this is the end of your exercise line, but just curious, what do you wear to exercise? Oh, it doesn't matter what I wear, I pay someone to exercise my body for me. I'm not a trainer, bitch. full episodes of my big girl show the rank room invisible identical to it what's your question how do you know they're identical if they're invisible sign up for your free trial today okay i all done i want my mom now |
dropout | shaun_white_on_wizards_and_hoverboards_sponsored | Hey everybody, I am Jeff Rubin from College Humor, and thanks to Stride, I am at the Do Tour. We're the best snowboarder in the world. Shawn White is about to be interviewed by the worst snowboarder in the world, me. Now you are an unbelievable skateboarder and incredible snowboarder. Thank you.
Is there any sport you're bad at? I'm terrible at basketball. It really upsets me too, because like, I don't know, it's like I'm super competitive, and you put me in any scenario, I can do pretty well, but basketball, I just have no, I have no hoops.
If you were approached by a wizard, and he said, I can make you incredible at basketball, but you can never skateboard again, would you take that deal? Do you know how many times I've fantasized about that? Specifically a wizard? Happening various mythical, you know, beans. So you would take the deal? I would probably take the deal. What about for your hair? Would you trade your hair for the ability to play basketball? I don't think so. I feel like if it left, then I would lose all sorts of other powers.
Now you have a new signature gum. I do. It's spectacular. What does it taste like? I sat in a room with all the stride people again after doing the Whiteman flavor, and we were going through the different flavors, and this was a combination of spearmint and melon. But it tastes great, so it's been really fun to be working on the gums.
Over your long and storied career, is there a moment that stands out to you as the most epic? I know, the Olympics was pretty heavy for me. Other scenarios that are very, you know, strange that you wouldn't think about. Small, conquering moments.
Like beating my brother at video games the first time. Yeah, that is as exciting as the Olympics. Yeah, like beating your dad at chess or something.
Having your own flavor gum. We've got to talk about this. Everyone's going to want to know, hover boards, when they exist, will you be awesome at them? I don't know. I feel like it's a whole different set of physics. Yeah. I hope it's got nothing to do with the ability to play basketball. Is there an element participating in the Olympics that is actually boring? Like something that we as viewers don't appreciate that you're going through?
The mundane thing is the in-between time. Because they edit it together like, oh, qualifying, straight to finals. Like at the last Olympics, we had a scenario where we competed at like 11 in the morning and then we didn't compete until seven hours later. You know, when you would go home from school knowing you were going on the field trip the next day and you couldn't sleep. It's that time, you know, a million.
Do you remember a moment when you were snowboarding and you just hit this great moment and you thought, you know what, I might be the best in the world at this. If you, in your mind, get to that place where you're like, oh, you know, I'm the guy, I'm the best or something like that, it doesn't really let you go anywhere. But for me, I always just think that I'm all right. And that leads me like, a really good position to be in where I can improve from there.
What are you thinking for the next gump later? I've been like getting requests from people. They're like, do a, do a cinnamon. Like, come on. Sean, you are incredible. The gump is incredible.
Thanks so much for talking to us. Thanks. See you again. Great. See you guys. |
dropout | hardly_working_love_and_sleep | There are so many beautiful girls in New York City. Mm-hmm. I feel like I fall asleep on the subway every day, er, fall in love on the subway every day. Nobody like, falling asleep, falling in love.
I mean, what's the difference? Really?
Falling asleep is like, you know, at the end of the day, you like, put your head down on a pillow and fall asleep. That's like, going to bed is falling asleep. You rejuvenate yourself.
Falling in love is like, creating like, a deep interpersonal relationship with someone. Like, if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, like, then that's like, falling in love.
Yeah, yeah, yes, yes. Okay, I know. Okay?
But like, don't you wake up out of both, feeling a little bit confused? No, just sleep. You don't wake up out of love. You don't wake up out of sleep.
Okay, yes. Technically, you're right. Yeah. Okay?
But like, if you think about it, all right, aren't they both what separates us from the animals? No, just love. Because all animals go to bed. Okay, animals don't go to bed. Well, I'm sorry, all animals go to sleep. That's what we're talking about. The difference between sleep and love. All animals go to sleep. Sure. But not animals.
What are you doing here? We're eating lunch, aren't we? No, we're done with lunch. Well, I'm having like a post-lunch dessert drink thing.
Why are you here? Well, if you think about it, I mean, why are any of us here?
We work here. So we're all, we're just coming into work, right? This is our office.
Oh, all I'm trying to say is that there are certain emotions and experiences that you could apply to both sleep and love, drawing some poetic similarities between the two. Okay, like grogginess. That's sleep. Dreams. That's sleep.
Oh, congratulations. Okay, nice. I tried to use some similes to compare love and sleep and you shut them down. Well, metaphor is not similes. Okay, what's the difference, really? Oh my god. You're right. Similes use like or as, you butt- |
dropout | i_wish_the_dog_would_stop_watching_us_have_sex | I'm sorry it's just it's weird with him watching it's okay he doesn't understand what's going on I know but he's he's got like human eyes Riley go play go play better much better Riley no go play can we close the door if we do that I'll just bark non-stop it's annoying um but I'm just I'm not really okay with having someone watch us where did you get this and what does he want us to do with it what do you mean he just wants to play yeah I bet he does he's a dog he doesn't care about sex he doesn't even know his own tail belongs to him okay Riley go go play I don't want to tell you again Riley seriously could you stop you're ruining the mood look at him he's clearly enjoying this how could you possibly know what he's thinking just look at him no I'm not paying any attention to him wait cover yourself why oh my god I'm throwing myself at you and all you can do is talk about this freakin dog you might as well be upset the dresser is watching us okay if you mention the dog one more time we're done here okay okay he's filming us all right fuck this just go it's got a whole little crew damn it you shouldn't be on that website |
cracked | hispanic_heritage_month_is_confusing_and_that_s_okay | Actually, it's not a month. It's from September 15th to October 15th, but that's cool because Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua celebrate their independence on September 15th. And Mexico, Chile, and Belize also celebrate their independence in late September. So, why not just make it September?
It's not entirely clear. It started as a week originally when LBJ signed off on the legislation, making it official. And then when it became a month under Reagan, I guess they just didn't think a single month would be good.
But don't worry, this is actually one of the less confusing aspects of being Latino. Remember when I said that Hispanic Heritage Month was for celebrating Latinos? Well, I lied, kind of. See, Hispanic denotes people of a common Spanish-speaking culture, while Latino encompasses people of Latin American descent who live in the U.S. So, not all Hispanics are Latino and not all Latinos are Hispanic. And a Mexican who lives in Brazil is neither, but if they had a Spanish-speaking child that immigrated to the United States, that person would be both. See, easy peasy, don't call people Hispanic that speak Portuguese.
But wait, there's more. That's just the most widely accepted version because it can also be a matter of region. See, the East Coast uses Hispanic more often while the West tends to use Latino. Oh, and academics are also having a debate as the appropriateness of the terms because they were invented mostly as a way to simplify categories in a large, diverse group of people. So, some argue that the best way is to refer to us by our family's country of origin, hyphen American. But not everyone agrees because if you get someone like me, you'll have extra hyphens. I'd be Guatemalan hyphen Mexican hyphen American. So, it's probably easier to call me Hispanic or Latino. Look, whatever it is that you can remember at this point is fine. Oh, and because this is the internet, I'm sure there are some of you that are aware of the term Latinx, which was a term that appears to have originated online with the intent of using it for people who don't identify with gender binary, which is good because inclusion is good, but it's also bad because it's kind of anglicizing Spanish. See, X in Spanish is pronounced with an English H sound like in house, or with the KS sound like in the English fix. But in English, it can also be pronounced as a Z like the first X in Xerox. So, is it Latinx, Latinx, Latinz, Latinx, men, and women. Latinx, men, and women. Look, this joke got away from me. I'm just gonna use the grammatically correct in Spanish, Latinos. Part of the reason for the nationality first attitude could be because of the fact that the media and many people treat Hispanic or Latino as a separate ethnicity entirely. And surprise, that's both wrong and right again. Hooray for clarity. See, on a lot of paperwork, Hispanic or Latino is considered white, which could be true in some circumstances if you're strictly of European descent. But when the Spanish and Portuguese colonized one of the Americas, they didn't have hard and fast rules about who it was acceptable to marry.
Or otherwise, make babies with rape. You know, I didn't wanna say it off the bat, but there was just a lot of rape during colonization. And most of history, really, yeah. History is just full of rape. And poop death. Not exactly a good title for a textbook. More on topic though.
Because of fewer restrictions, most Latinos have some Mestizo, European and native, mulatto, European and African, or other combination in their ancestry. Which, of course, was used to implement a caste system where whiter people were given preferential treatment. So while Hispanic or Latino has often been considered a kind of white, and many Latinos would probably prefer that because of the historical treatment of non-whites, really were mixed more often than not. As confusing as this all is, I'm glad there's a month of recognition. See, even though immigration is likely one of the first things that comes up when Latinos are mentioned, we've been a part of the U.S. for just as long as most Anglo-Americans. Longer in many cases.
Let's look at a map of North America during colonization. See that section that's most of the United States? Yep, Spanish colonies. And that includes three of the four most populated states. And yes, this territory was either sold or conquered during various conflicts, but Latinos laid the groundwork for much of what would become the Western United States, and losing a war didn't stop certain segments of the population from talking about their heritage and pride all the time.
So it feels weird to say the least when those same people tend to make us feel like outsiders so often. So what does this all mean? I'm not really sure. If this video so far has seemed a tad confusing, it was intentional. Between the weird mid-month start to there being so much debate about just what being Latino even is, confusion is part of many of our identities.
While I recognize how fortunate I am that my family worked their asses off to be here, there are plenty of people that let us know that we're somehow not the same amount of American as them. And I wouldn't give up our culture for anything. Even if it means I don't get called back for job interviews as often. Even though people like me get imprisoned at a higher rate than white, not of Hispanic origin people. Even though we're the largest minority group in the United States, but are still the most underrepresented in my chosen profession.
And even though it can be lonely with a feeling of no soy die aqui, the soy die ayah, that comes with being a child of both immigrant and American culture, I love it. I love my mixed up family, the years of celebrating Christmas Eve with tamales, the fact that I was raised speaking English and Spanish because that makes it easier for me to speak to my abuelito and abuelita. The idea that my pursuit of the American dream is built on a foundation of hard work that my family laid. The fact that I'm a mestizo, Hispanic, Latino, Guatemalan, hyphen, Mexican, hyphen American is confusing and beautiful to me. So for this Hispanic heritage month ago, talk to your Latino, Hispanic, mixed up, whatever hyphen American friends.
Sit down to a meal with them because each of their stories is as weird and unique as mine. And even if you can't entirely relate, you'll at least get some love and probably some really good food.
And why don't you give me a follow on Twitter at fanboychristian, that's fanboychristian with no H. Yeah, that's it. Enjoy happy Hispanic heritage awareness month. |
dropout | hardly_working_new_guy | Yeah, everybody's pretty chill here. Except for Pat, he's a little bit of a turd, you know what I mean? Uh, hey, everybody!
What's up, man? How are you? What are you doing?
Stop it! Why are you doing this?! Please! Someone help me!
Alright, and over here's Amir. Hey, Amir. New programmer, John Zanussi. Oh, what's up, dude? Hey! You're in the load! What is going on back there?
No. No!
I don't think I like the new guy. Okay, I'm a girl. He's not going to hurt me, right?
Hi, John. I like your muscles. My name's Sarah. Hey, Mom.
My dad died. I can't die like this, Jason. You don't have to go up there. No, I do.
It's his first day, and he's probably really nervous, and I just gotta do the right thing. Let's put it on. John Zanussi, Patrick Castle, glad to meet you. Oh, hello. I'm John Zanussi. I'm a new programmer here. It's my first day. Do you know where I should go? Hello? |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Rogue_One | This is Peter Rosenthal, Head Film Critic for The Onion.
Today I'll be looking at Rogue One, the next installment in the epic Star Wars series, and a film that needed to go a long way to earn back my trust after last year's release of the thoroughly disappointing Droids of the Resistance 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. The first standalone film in the series, Rogue One fills in the details of how the Rebel Alliance first stole the plans it would ultimately use to destroy the Death Star in A New Hope. Still, one wonders how many viewers will even return to theaters after having their faith in the franchise shattered by a puzzle so unworthy of the Star Wars name. Indeed, with its frequent homages to past installments, much of Rogue One plays as an extended apology to those of us who waited for months to assemble a photo mosaic of the three droids pictured on the box, only to become slowly disillusioned while piecing together this blatant cash grab. Yet not even Rogue One's extraordinary efforts to match the tone and aesthetic of the original Star Wars can excuse the disrespect for the source material by a puzzle that carelessly padded out the white parts of its mosaic with dozens of identical screen grabs from the Battle of Hoth. Likewise, as charismatic as lead Felicity Jones may be as Rebel pilot Jyn Erso, she will never win over deeply jaded fans like myself who wasted $15 on this travesty, a free hash of ideas we've seen done before, and better, by 2011's photo mosaic puzzle of C-3PO and R2-D2. After all, this is one of cinema's most iconic franchises, one that's produced moments as indelible as the Mos Eisley cantina, the attack on the Death Star, and the holographic 100-piece Darth Maul puzzle that changes depending on what angle you look at it from. Unfortunately, as often as Rogue One reaches for those artistic heights, it can only go so far in repairing the tarnished Star Wars name.
Plus the puzzle's goddamn impossible to do, all right? It's impossible.
I mean, look, all of the pieces are exactly the same color, so you have no clue where anything goes.
God, it makes me so angry. Every morning I see the pieces piled up on my table, each time it pisses me off.
I'm sorry, it does.
I put in like a hundred hours of my life on this thing, and for what?
I haven't even finished R2's head.
Damn it.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal.
The attack on the Death Star, and the holographic 100-piece Darth Maul puzzle that changes depending on what angle you look at it from. Unfortunately, as often as Rogue One reaches for those artistic heights, it can only go so far in repairing the tarnished Star Wars name.
Plus the puzzle's goddamn impossible to do, all right? It's impossible.
I mean, look, all of the pieces are exactly the same color, so you have no clue where anything goes.
God, it makes me so angry. Every morning I see the pieces piled up on my table, each time it pisses me off.
I'm sorry, it does.
I put in like a hundred hours of my life on this thing, and for what?
I haven't even finished R2's head.
Damn it.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal.
The attack on the Death Star, and the holographic 100-piece Darth Maul puzzle that changes depending on what angle you look at it from. Unfortunately, as often as Rogue One reaches for those artistic heights, it can only go so far in repairing the tarnished Star Wars name.
Plus the puzzle's goddamn impossible to do, all right? It's impossible.
I mean, look, all of the pieces are exactly the same color, so you have no clue where anything goes.
God, it makes me so angry. Every morning I see the pieces piled up on my table, each time it pisses me off.
I'm sorry, it does.
I put in like a hundred hours of my life on this thing, and for what?
I haven't even finished R2's head.
Damn it.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | the_6_creepiest_videos_aimed_at_children_cracked_tv | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 25 of Crack TV. I'm your host, Droid Michael Swain, and I'd just like everyone to know that Susie Wilkins is an assbutt and is made of poop. What? What's that Susie?
Well, maybe you should have gone to Roboprom with me. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Chips! For those keeping track, that was a reference to a parody of a parody. I'll have to check the official guidebook, but I think that makes it funny again.
Oh, no. No, it doesn't. Ooh, and according to clause 8 and dash banana peel subsection FART, today's topic is...
The six creepiest videos aimed at children. As modern parents get lazier, and the kitty leash has shown us that they most certainly are, they rely more and more on television to teach their children the lessons that they're too busy yachting or base-jumping to impart. Lessons like...
Don't you put it in your mouth, don't you put it in your mouth. Oh, nope. No. See, it's too easy. It's not funny, cause it's so obvious that it's...dicks. Don't you stop it in your face, don't stop it in your face. You know, I have a fat co-core friend who should really see this. Remember, boys and girls, don't put it in your face. Don't put it in your mouth. Don't put things in your mouth when you don't know what they are. Oh, okay. So, if you know it's a dick... Don't put it in your mouth.
You know, I've said a lot of mean things about Australians on this program, and here's another one. They are horrifying plastic monsters. This is a clip from The Wiggles, an Australian... Jesus! No wonder England exiled them to an island. If Australia has an airport, I'm killing myself right now.
And what is that background? Are they in a room filled with gas? It would explain the season, but it wouldn't explain this.
Hi, I'm Yogi Okidoki, and this is my farm. Let's see what the little ones can learn from this documentary about farm life.
I think you all know what breathing is. Yeah, we do. So that's not really valuable. Remember to breathe? Listen, Android, I actually use a decentralized gallows. Remember to breathe. Will someone shut that cow up?
Mmm.
The surprise is his hideous disfigurement. Also a tiny man, implying that this egg creature is in fact a giant. Although the really scary thing is that when he falls off the wall, you never hear him hit the ground. Technically, he could still be any- Whoa!
Okay, if you dropped your acid tabs when I told you, they should just be kicking in now. Which is perfect, because here comes a bunch of nonsense. I literally cannot explain the premise of Booba. There's some frightening creatures that look like circumcised Koosh balls and fly by farting and seem to be telepathic. That is the most sense this can make. How do you even pitch this show? Gentlemen, as you can see, I've dipped my balls in paint. You have ten minutes. And worse than that, the show has 104 episodes. People actually wrote seasons of Booba. So uh, the Boobas go into the prism, and then the I-thing, and then we're out.
What? No, no, no! What do you want?
I-thing, then we're out, then the prism. How can you be out and then have something happen?
Hey, the Boobas are the things? The little guys? Those are the Boobas?
Yeah. Fuck me. How long have you been writing me? I created the show! Kids, there's a reason we tell you not to talk to strangers. This is that reason. Hello. Who are you?
Satan. Okay, his name is Satan. That's your first red flag. His head is just a mask attached to a string.
Strike two. Please, come in. And now he's invited you back to his floating island.
What do we do, kids? Come on! No! Look, Mark Twain, I know that you're a cynical old conjurer, but Satan is about to devour these children. Do something!
We could make more sometime. Alright, kids, really? Still not seeing the danger here? Skip ahead a bit. There, I'm sure that'll end well. Enjoy getting eaten by the devil and shit back out as a dancing raisin. Well, that about does it for this episode. Any plans for after the show, Clippy? Right, quiet evening at home, I hear ya. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swain, and to play you out, here's all the creepy clips I didn't have time to use. Yeah, yeah, do what you may be. Whoo-hoo! |
TheOnion | Obama_Befriends_Rich_Elderly_Widow_In_Hopes_She_ll_Put_Nation_In_Her_Will | President Obama once again took time off today to visit the bedside of 89-year-old billionaire widow Mrs. Adelia Scott, prompting the White House to once again deny claims that the president is simply buttering up Mrs. Scott in hopes that she'll leave her money to the badly-indebted U.S. Treasury. How could you say that? The president has no motives in befriending Mrs. Scott other than to spend time with a fellow American who likes to do the same things he does, taking walks, growing prize-winning petunias, cross-stitching, visiting the doctor. Of course, if Mrs. Scott decides at some point that she wants to provide for the country, that's entirely her decision. In the past two weeks alone, the president has brought Mrs. Scott chocolate cordials, watched all six parts of the BBC's Pride and Prejudice with her, and spent hours listening to her stories about playing in the Ladies' Baseball League.
Oh, Barrick and I have a big time. Yesterday, I showed him my kaleidoscope that I had as a girl and fed him some of my famous mashed potatoes.
Mrs. Scott herself seems either unaware or unworried by the accusations lodged against Obama and is enjoying both the president's attention and his gifts, which include this portrait of the pair. Public support of the president's actions has been high as well. I like that the president isn't afraid to go out there and get his hands dirty and exploit an old woman, but not you, Mrs. Scott.
Of course, if you're watching, we think you're terrific.
Obama enjoyed an especially large bump in the polls after his recent visit to Mrs. Scott in which he brought along his daughter, Sasha, dressed in a sailor outfit and persuaded her to sing On the Good Ship Lollipop as Mrs. Scott clapped in time. John Boehner, however, criticized Obama's visits to Mrs. Scott as a waste of time, saying, quote, all the president needs to do is ask Mrs. Scott to give him a calligraphy lesson and then slip a new version of the will under the handwriting paper. Time does seem to be running short as other economically distressed nations have already begun to show up on Mrs. Scott's doorstep. Other critics say President Obama is spending too much time with Mrs. Scott when he has other ambitious projects in the works, like his plan to learn to count cards and win back the entire national debt in one wild trip to Atlantic City and his plan to win a large cash prize by entering an illegal no-holds-barred coast-to-coast auto race.
Moving on, Pizza Hut announced record profits for its new pizza pile today. Now, on the stance, fellas what died in the plane flash got their families coming on here to cry and wail, and I'm going to make them account for their faith in all this metal bird nonsense. |
TheOnion | Breaking_News_Woman_Crying_On_Train_Platform | This is the Onion News Network, controlling what you see and when you see it. We've got a breaking news blast coming in now.
We're going live via telephone with reporter Don Abrams in San Francisco, California, where we're being told that a woman is crying on a train platform in front of dozens of other commuters. We're seeing live security camera footage of the crying woman, and she does look very upset.
Don, are you there? Bring us up the date on the situation. Brooke, it started as a muffled, heavy breathing, relatively easy, sobbing. Don, it sounds like a very awkward situation there. It is, Brooke. Everyone is making eye contact with each other as if to ask what's her deal, and no one quite knows if they should do something.
I think it's safe to say commuters at this train station have not been this uncomfortable since 2004, when a mother slapped her child for dropping his juice box. Don, we're receiving a You News cell phone video now of the crying woman. Okay, she doesn't appear to be drunk or insane. That rules out the two primary causes of crying in public.
What else could it be? It's unclear at this time, Brooke. Maybe someone she knows has suddenly died. Perhaps she just lost her job.
Have you made eye contact with the crying woman at all, Don? No, I have not. I have been very careful not to do that.
Every time I glance in that direction, I pretend to read a community college advertisement on the wall or look for a clock. Brooke, the woman is now walking right toward me. Don? Don, can you hear me? I'm here, Brooke. She's now standing just a few feet away from me. I have to pretend like I'm talking about something else.
Yes, it was a fun party. Everyone was there.
Goodbye. Well, thank you, Don Abrams, for that report. So sad to see someone expressing emotion like that. Congratulations to everyone at The Fact Zone for a great five years. Brooke, I know we've always had kind of a friendly rivalry. I'm sort of a hyper earnest nerd type. You're more of a cheerleader cruel bitch type, but it's all in good fun. Keep up the good work, you wretched hell wraith. Fun party. Everyone was there. Goodbye. Well, thank you, Don Abrams, for that report. So sad to see someone expressing emotion like that. Congratulations to everyone at The Fact Zone for a great five years. Brooke, I know we've always had kind of a friendly rivalry. I'm sort of a hyper earnest nerd type. You're more of a cheerleader cruel bitch type, but it's all in good fun. Keep up the good work, you wretched hell wraith. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_ONEFOUR_Spenny_Celly_and_filmmaker_Gabriel_Gasparinatos | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, live from the Batooter Advocate recording studio. Very exciting to have today's guests in here, you've just got myself Clancy Overall today and I'm joined by Gabe Gasparinatos, he's a director, filmmaker I guess we'd say now days, of the new 1-4 documentary Against All Odds and joining Gabe is the subjects of his documentary, two of them anyway. We have Spenny and we have Selly 1-4 from the Western Sydney.
Thank you for joining us guys. Thanks for having us. Good to be here.
What's the media run feel like now, I mean these guys are used to like maybe a bit of media around new music or you know, I've seen you do Rolling Stone GQ, see that kind of stuff, what's it feel like to be now, as opposed to like what you're promoting is your art, now you're the art, how does it feel that way around? Yeah it feels good to be able to tell our story and have a worldwide audience get to tune in and see our side of the story. Now we've heard a lot of your stories through your music right, that's what this genre is and it's kind of caught a lot of people's imagination, you obviously inspired a lot of people, there's been something emerged from all of this that you know, a scene right? Before I ask you all about when you first saw this thing popping off 1-4 for the first time but what were you guys looking at that inspired you to get into drill? Like I mean a lot of, you'd hear in early Aussie hip hop, skip hop, such serious American influences, but it didn't look like that with you boys, what were you looking at growing up? Growing up and looking at the music that I was following at the time was a lot of old school hip hop, but with the boys as we grew up and looking into different type of music, we felt like drill, especially from the UK was more relatable for us, the things that we were doing and the way that we were growing up, so we felt like we could relate more to the UK drill scene and a lot of us boys went that direction. Do you think it's because of how it looks, like UK drill with the flats and the sportswear looks a lot more like your life that you were living than the low riders in California, you know like that LA scene for example? Yeah I'd have to agree with that. Because you guys were onto that before Australian music was onto that, I feel like Australian music kind of found drill off the back of it happening in our backyard and we kind of saw that when you guys started getting feature artists and turning high profile British drillers into household names because you were featured on the remix for example. What were some of the conversations you guys were having with, I know Howie, love you Howie, was early on kind of like an industry type that was floating around you guys, what were the conversations you were having, were they basically saying we love this sound, we think it's going to be the new big thing or were people kind of like more interested in seeing what you guys had, you know where you were heading with it? I feel like early days there was a lot of hate towards us because people didn't really like see it as like we could actually do, like someone in Sydney can actually do music and like rapping itself was like very looked down upon. If you were to do it, it was like the low rider stuff, the American accents, it was all that, but when we were able to tell our story, I feel like we got a bit of recognition and people were starting to tune in, even though it was hate, it was like alright sweet people are looking at us and if we're getting attention then why not just run with it. They're like interested by it right, I don't know that's what I sort of first noticed is before people knew whether they liked it or not they were fascinated by it and they were curious.
Yeah and it was more so like it was like the first time people would actually get to see something like what we're doing and I felt like it was an opportunity for us to like alright sweet if no one else is doing it and we can pave the way why not just keep going. What were you thinking though creatively, was it clip by clip, song track by track or are you thinking album from the top? No it was more just like taking the piss to be honest, it was nothing really serious, it's just like alright sweet if this is going to work out for us it works out. We're blessed to have like a lot of heads in our group and you know when we give advice to each other we take it, it's never like. Yeah a lot of the time that we're there in the studio we just pretty much make new projects or you know we'll go home or whatever we're doing we'll be writing and then we'll come in and we'll just lay down whatever we had, there was no really, there was no structure towards it yeah we're just doing whatever whatever we wanted. And where you were at musically at that point in your life is what you were doing, was whatever was happening on the day you were recording. Yeah there was no, yeah it's nothing to compare to what it is now. Yeah I kind of want to talk a little bit about as it was happening because we couldn't really see as people that were watching you, I mean most of us were watching you on YouTube or on socials because as we will talk about later touring has been an issue for you guys.
But what we didn't know and what is revealed in this documentary is what was happening like you know the blokes were subbing in and out effectively of One Four as a rap group. Selly you, when these songs were blowing up on YouTube you were in jail. Yeah I was in jail, I got to hear a lot of it on the Triple J show through Howie, so a lot of that time that's how I heard the songs. Yeah but it was good just to hear the boys on the radio and actually get to hear their songs and all. How else were you hearing about the buzz, could you feel the buzz in jail?
Straight out, I think I knew it but I think I had to experience it myself and I always told myself that inside you know like a lot of people used to talk about it or people that came from the outside and they'll come to the inside and then they'll tell me about it or just how the boys tell me but I guess it's when you're just in there and you're contained in that. You kind of cut off. Yeah you kind of I don't think you can really experience the whole thing and I'm still experiencing it now. You kind of yeah that's the next thing I want to talk to you about that transition we also see in the documentary YP has a similar story about having to come out now to this it's not the same as when you went in it's then the boys are still there you're still one four. How did you kind of handle those fan days and those visits and stuff this was not really what you were doing before you went in but you'd made the music with the boys before you did so. When I was inside it was just I was inside you know that's that's what it was for me.
Aside from being a big moment in Australian music there's a big moment in Polynesian you know Australia representation and of course like you know taking back your own stories and presenting yourselves as you are you know what I mean for many years like Polynesians in Australia were presented as Jay from Water Rats or Chris Lilly you know what I mean. So now it's like you know there's a big Polynesian moment I think that was most evident with that Brisbane show.
How quickly did that sell out? Was it in 1015?
It's all the Logan boys were ready for one four. There were two shows right there was the under 18 and the over 18. Oh yeah there was it was under 18 so when they announced that show it sold out in 10-15 minutes and then like the under 18s were like making a fuss about yeah that they couldn't do they weren't able to come along yeah come along because like we got a very big young audience at the time so like we felt like all right sweet let's put something on for them yeah so when we put that on for like the under 18s and that or all the ticket sales and that went to charity yeah right yeah it was like a charity thing right that got sold out yeah. So are you feeling that I even remember seeing with the Penrith Panthers match around the time you guys were popping off you'd see all the ones in the crowd you know letting everyone know where they were from and that they were obviously listening to your music they were playing it at stadiums yeah you get all that yeah the boys were supporting us and you know we support them just as much and it's just like a community feel like where we're from is like when we see one of us make it it's like all right sweet we all get to be heard we all seen on the tv it's like it's a proud moment when like our people are doing our thing and you know when we say Mount Jewett it's like Mount Jewett you only know what it's like when you're really from there yeah people say post code wars this and that post codes but it's it's really like nah this is what we grew up in we're all the same people and like when they the younger generation get to see us put on like a global scale yeah it's like all right sweet like we're showing them that yeah one day you can do this yeah and it was all happening at once you know you kind of got bam bam yeah Tyson Pedro you know icing blokes you've got Penrith now at a three-peat of Penrith Panthers but when you guys first popped off they were in the grand final right around that time and then you have you have one four and a whole number of different things that are happening behind the scenes it's not just sport and yeah and hip-hop but could you feel that can you feel that vibe out west yeah 100 I could feel that like when people bring up Mount Jewett and people from Mount Jewett like myself and you know the boys and that like people ask you where you're from it's like people look down on it yeah it's like oh no you don't want to say it but now uh you asked us where you're from we say Mount Jewett like we say it proud yeah you say it proud yeah we want to want to like set that example for people that come from places that we come from not only Mount Jewett but just hoods in general yeah yeah yeah you feel from where you're from like be proud of it yeah and you can't shy away from where you're from it's where it's where you're going it's where you're heading that's a funny thing about Sydney so traditionally right everyone the whole thing with Sydney has been you make a bit of money you start moving east right eventually get to fucking Bondi and that's that that's like how people have always treated the old football as Brad Fittler is a good example of it Penrith boy you wouldn't know it nowadays yeah but I think what this what what hip-hop's done and particularly what the the NRL has done has made people you know this is where we're from this is going to be where we are forever it's like it's home it's not like something there's no necessarily a whole getting out of the hood attitude anymore it's like let's stay at home and be proud is that where you see yourselves I want to say getting out like getting out's always good like when you're living in Mount Jewett like you're always trying to like become better and you know be in better places so that when your kids are growing up they don't have to go through the same things but it's more necessarily uh if I'm gonna move to this place I'm never gonna take that out of me yeah that's where I'm from I'm never gonna say I'm not I wasn't from Mount Jewett this and that like you know what I mean yeah there's a there's a difference between getting out and getting off the streets yeah yeah yeah Gabe I want to talk to you about when you first saw uh one four I think I remember I remember the first time I saw it and I remember thinking this has to be these these lads have to be from Sydney just from the dress right that's what I was looking at there was a little bit of a uh SIA yeah oh it was such like a distinct moment or such a distinctly um Australian sort of thing to see as well was the first time I heard Chanks and Shives I think was the first track and just being so shocked that this was coming out of Western Sydney and coming out of Mount Drewett and being so impressed by the musicality of that track and and so excited to kind of see that all happen um I think that was the first time I came across one for and I knew Ricky the you know the manager um I knew how I was kind of doing some work in that space um but yeah it was just so wild to see and hear that music and it was so wild to see how people were starting to talk about it and how it was starting to get you know back then like a hundred thousand views maybe on Chanks and Shives was crazy for the time like that wasn't for sure for Australian music in general nothing move would move like that within 24 hours and that was sort of the first track to kind of get a bit of buzz but even before that I know you know those earlier songs they had a different type of buzz on like Facebook they were kind of going around like even way back yeah yeah so a thousand likes is big to us back in yeah for sure when you got a thousand people liking your stuff like your household yeah yeah yeah for sure so yeah that was it was it was wild to see and it was just so interesting and unlike anything I'd seen before and just such an exciting moment and the way that people were embracing it and getting part of it um when it started to pop off it was yeah yeah part of it as well when we were like you know doing all the music in that we kind of like wanted to normalize it yep and now four years later seeing something like I act like us pop up it's like not so like yeah what the hell you know yeah for sure it's not I wouldn't say it's mainstream but it's not taboo or it's not rare yeah um but there is only one four and that's why you guys are in the documentary that's why the documentaries uh go to translate I guess around the world I mean because as we as we learn in the documentary Drill is not isolated to UK it originally popped off in Chicago as a sound but one thing I was thinking when watching that because you're showing some of the influences of you guys you know early in your in your songwriting I'm thinking is this the first time like Harlem Spartans from London have been on screen in in a documentary I mean there's been some stories about you know Diga D had a documentary made about him that was a really interesting watch about his legal issues I think it wasn't a you know a Netflix thing and it maybe hasn't had that kind of global rage um but yeah in some way this is probably the first time that some of that music might actually get this global platform yeah the Harlem Spartans I think yeah and it's cool to be able to include that and reference that and make a point of you know the music that inspired you guys so early on being able to see that in there yeah yeah yeah because they're feeling safe not only is like you know your community being seen in this documentary but I feel like a lot of people around the world that have been involved in drill music are being seen for the first time too in a documentary about where drill got to in Australia and I think people will go backwards people might sort of yeah now start to get introduced to drill through one fourth through this documentary and actually be able to go back and learn about the history of it and go back to here you know the music that inspired you guys and the music that inspired that which I think is really interesting yeah one thing I love which I don't think I've seen in drill elsewhere in the world that you guys do is the very very like on point pop culture references uh or Australian history that was a good one uh ballet on like Ned Kelly um from Spenny or uh whipping in the kitchen Gordon Ramsay like there's uh and even actually home and away referencing Brax I met the guy that played Brax the other day and I told him about it he goes bro I didn't know about this this has got bigger numbers than anything I've got on social media um yeah I think it makes sense as well to have them reference especially if some of them are from Australia yeah we are from Australia and in our early days too that's what we're trying to do you know we're trying to at least bring out you know the Australian side yeah I feel like we took advantage of that as well yeah like um because you know there was other Australian artists yeah at the time like doing their thing and like we're like oh I'm not hating on anyone but we're like like I feel like we can do yeah you know like better yeah yeah that's just the honest truth yeah and it was like all right so they're doing their thing in their Australian accent and like we're not American we're not from UK yeah why can't we just do it in our own like our own accent when we first got on like we used to have arguments in the studio sometimes like why don't you say it like this like nah sounds bogan this and that yeah for sure you know for us listening to UK music UK music wasn't really like it wasn't too far off us yeah too far off and people you have to get really get used to like the accent you know I remember when the boys first introduced it to me I was like I don't know and then two months later I started getting used to it and then got hooked on it yeah all right if this has the effect that has on me I reckon that we can have the same effect on other people yeah yeah yeah I mean you certainly did I I think just I look back to maybe five ten years before you guys the first time I saw the S.A. Adelaide thing happening and uh everyone kind of talks about high man or uh cursor is the sickest the one that he spat in the car park that was the first time we saw the street wear that was accurate to Sydney you know what I mean because Sydney's always had its own look and I and I do feel one thing that I guess people might have taken from you guys is they're dressing like you like I know suburbs in Australia didn't used to wear this very Sydney look that you guys have back in the day I remember it was the dickies and the fucking timberlands and now everyone's doing the more of a Sydney look do you feel like a lot of people felt seen in the same way that you know cursor was the first voice for those kind of Adelaide little blokes do you feel like there was a whole lot of people regardless of like nationality or background but there are a lot of people just like I mean forget the music these guys could just be on screen dressed the same where we're fucking we're being recognized here where it's like we have a certain type of look yeah I felt like we're representing you know our people yeah you know and we weren't changing for no one like we weren't going to change our style just because people like didn't like and they were calling us and that we embraced it yeah yes we have to embrace it yeah I mean I don't know if that's a geometry term anymore bam bam yells it into a microphone at the USC in Dubai like it's it's uh there's a lot of pride here which I think which is where I want to get to you know there's content there's horror it's a horror there's a bit of horror in the genre it's violent but it is so uh there's something else happening here that's important and I feel uh this is what the documentary uh highlights is that you know it's you're representing people and a lot of people are probably doing a bit better and being inspired by seeing people that look like them out in the world like you guys so it is heartbreaking when you do have these you know these issues of censorship yeah I don't want to give too much away about what this documentary is about but it's something we've seen before in music whether it was NWA or whether it was Johnny Cash you know he was you know had to actually release a live album in a prison I just want to talk about taste right this is what I want to talk about here forget the content of the lyrics what do you think Gabe is the line where New South Wales Police would allow people on stage or do you think it's the people do you think it's the people as opposed to the content I think it's the people I think that you know Australian music has always had you know depictions of violence in it I think that you know um what Waltzing Matilda's about you know like a sheep thief it's a homeless suicidal thief yeah it is waltzing Matilda yeah um I think that like Australia has a long history of music that does uh you know explore violence and conflict and yeah it's hard to say exactly what it is but yeah I don't think it's just about the concept of the music if these guys started which we wrote on the Twitter if these guys started doing like Foo Fighters covers maybe New South Wales Police maybe they'd be into it yeah it was a drill song you were talking about right yeah we could do a drill cover of uh yeah Nirvana yeah look I don't know what it is but it's disappointing to see that that sort of continues and disappointing to see that even at the premiere there was such an intense police presence there I know and you did very well not to mention that on the microphone during the Q&A he said you know the police and some of them are here um and now you know that was sort of apparently throughout the theater as well yeah and I think that yeah so I don't know if it's just about the content of the music because um I think it's a bigger thing than that yeah it is a bigger thing that I mean I want to talk about the little wins you guys have had in terms of live performances uh there's one sensational moment in the documentary and I think you know what I'm about to mention here when Spenny finds himself somewhere where it looks like it's just going to be Spitty and watching you gas yourself up on camera uh for that gig was it it's just sensational it's sensational filmmaking what have those gigs been like and can we actually count them on one hand where you've had that audience there for you I would um I would kind of say Brisbane was the big one right Brisbane things just went your way for that gig you were able to do the gig and you're able to do the underage um there's been a few happening recently I had like lineups on like festivals yeah there's been a few happening recently um Sally have you had a chance to jump up like on stage with a big audience or to perform yeah yeah just recently I've I listened out in um promised land well how was that how was that delayed sugar hit for you yeah no it was good yeah um especially the experience as well that I got to do um work as well yeah you know just to better myself yeah just to finally be able to do it and run out on stage yeah yeah but it was straight in the deep end right because it was two shows in one day yeah well I just thought because I knew where I was coming out to yeah so I kind of expected it yep but that's probably why I kind of came out at the right time I'll tell you that yeah a lot of our shows were getting like Ken yeah yeah being able to do that tour was like big there was a lot of things I didn't know coming out but yeah but you know we've we've just started like the news of of there's been a lot of opportunities that come up yeah the early days was like when those opportunities will come up we're excited yeah now it's like all right sweet there's opportunities that come up and it's not even exciting because you don't even know if it's going to go through or not yeah no Rick's called me about listen out and he's like oh they're doing oh yeah yeah whatever it gets like that you know it's kind of like I'm expecting it to get expected to get taken from you yeah so I don't even so like it got to a point where I don't even get excited like I just don't wait like put it in my head too much like if it goes through it goes through if it doesn't then it's because I was just preparing myself for Promised Land the whole time you know and then we get this last minute call up and they're like yeah um listen now I want us to do the tour yeah like when you know yeah it goes the earliest tomorrow tomorrow yeah they want us to go and then throughout the next two weeks for sure you got to move quick too yeah because like it's opportunity that we've been waiting on for a long time yeah why not jump at it that's crazy to think so like you've got two different experiences with like live right you got to get a few away while Silly was inside Spenny got to like try a few different gigs and and you know and then you get out and he's already used to like every opportunity being taken from you and then it's on like you're all on stage it's good to go through it with the boys together you know yeah yeah yeah you're all on the same level yeah move forward and um more opportunities more shows yeah yeah more shows is that where you're kind of at now you're kind of like you get the opportunity you get the phone call from the manager and then is there a little bit of a feeling well do we keep this quiet no it's just like it's whatever rich knows as well as like when he tells me about stuff I'm just like oh yeah yeah I just like take over a grain of salt because so used to it like being shut down and I'm just sick of being disappointed like left disappointed at the end of it which is so disappointing that that's normal as well to feel that way it's normal that you can't get excited about these potentially you know life changing opportunities because there's such a high chance of it not being able to actually yeah go ahead you know yeah it's a different kind of anti-climax to what I think most people would be used to when they're excited for something because it's happened so many times now so you are kind of numb to it but it does feel like this thing's moving I mean this documentary obviously is highlighting just who you are and just how just what happens behind the scenes when you guys are getting ready for a gig what your audience looks like what you've done previously to ensure that people are behaving that was really interesting to see you had like the local ministry members in Brisbane at the Brisbane concert yeah local uh community leaders bringing present which was yeah and and hopefully I think maybe you know promoters events are able to sort of take something from the film and see what you can do to ensure that it does go ahead and that it does go okay and I think by yeah you know having the community community leaders present in the Brisbane show I think um shows that these gigs can engage the community in a meaningful way to make sure everything goes okay and yeah so hopefully that leads to kind of maybe more thoughtfulness behind how people approach putting on gigs and there's just more willingness yeah when we see it with football events like the amount of people you see in crowd control at a football event you don't see that in a music concert that could be the difference just having you know that many people visible kind of responsible adults in charge but Peter Noble put the boys on blues fest 2024 put them up there all the hippies will have them don't worry about that but I I want to now talk about filmmaking going from video clips music videos video clips isn't outdated from music videos to feature length when did you realize I'm going to just go for a full 90 minutes on these fellows I think I mean I've always wanted to make you know films I've always been interested in making you know films and not just sort of being contained to music videos I think when we started shooting uh one four it was always initially going to be just a short thing it was going to be a little you know a two minute thing for socials a 10-minute thing for youtube maybe a 20-minute thing for tv at some point um I think part of it was the you know the support of the you know the producers and of Netflix but also part of it was I think um the story just kept on getting more and more you know something kept on happening it kept on changing there were so many you know twists and turns in the actual narrative that um it was hard to contain it to something short and I think I you know we wanted to do something that did one for justice and um you know it was an accurate honest depiction of you know both sides of the story but really gave itself enough time to explore the issues and the themes and and um you know tell as much of the story as we can there's obviously so much more that we you know couldn't include um there's just such interesting you know other context to it and there's so much that has happened since yeah but yeah I think the choice to do a feature was it feels like the right approach for a story like this you know it's a movie did you ever have like a Baz Luhrmann Tarantino moment where someone who's involved in this that isn't you says man we need to lose 10 20 minutes those oh yeah because you love your art at that point right but there's so many interesting stories that couldn't make the cut there's and stories that you know these guys have told me over the years that we've either recorded interviews for or that I just know and have wanted to include um some stuff about the American connection that you know Loma NP have with their dad um you know Selz told me this story about the first time he went into street uni and and the experience of that that is something that we would have loved to be able to include but again you're really you're limited with 90 minutes it could have been a trilogy it could have been you know we could have been on fast and furious on these guys it could have gone 10 10 movies um I want to uh I want to ask if you're comfortable sharing that story Seli about street uni oh yeah first time I went to record at street uni I was riding at the time and I wanted to start this rap career my rap career and um yeah I booked in a session at uh street uni and yeah I jumped on the bus and I was on my way to Mountie and I was just by myself so I didn't have anyone to go up there with it was yeah I took it real serious at the time and I was walking back up and down at the bottom of the stairs at street uni and my session started now so I thought am I gonna do it am I not gonna do it am I gonna go up there and I thought you know what I gotta stuff it you know I'm gonna go up there I'm gonna record when I got up there Lex was there yeah so he was already in the studio at the time so Lex and uh CG Fez they were recording me and you know and I jumped in the studio and um you know I did my thing but I just thought what would happen if I never you know you know what if I didn't yeah if I didn't walk in the studio or this is before any of the boys had joined you know this is just yeah the first one rolling through yeah this was before we all came together as a group really I just thought you know yeah when I look back at it I thought just the kid on the bus right yeah yeah I think that the idea that you know you felt that that hesitation but went and did it I I find so interesting and it's you know it says just so much about the you know the willingness to take such a big risk in you know pursuing music initially but also in continuing to pursue it through yeah all of these hurdles um so there's so many interesting yeah moments that you know it's it's got to be an eight-part series or something next I mean they've also got music to tell us all these stories I'd like to hear what is coming next from one four is is there been any studio time of late or is it more about focusing on all this stuff um yeah there's been we've been focusing a lot on like the tours and yeah it's just been a busy like end of the year but yeah we have been in the studio yeah we've been in the studio and we're working on our first our first project that we're gonna release out to the public but yeah just so recent it's just been you know all this stuff that's been coming up just taking a bit by bit it's like been very busy end of the year for sure yeah there is a lot of music that's there's a lot of music that hasn't been released that's ready to go yeah I want to I want to talk about that experience coming out of jail are you coming out with notepads you know is that what is that what's happened yeah I came out with verses I came out with um songs and that so kind of um it's good that I did that for myself because I prepared myself or at least I had something and some work and music to come out to yeah so when I went to a couple studio sessions and uh I just slapped them on yeah right well I'm excited for it guys and who knows when does this thing actually drop uh next Thursday 26. 26 okay who the hell knows what's going to happen from that point guys this is like this is like another whole different thing happening this is going to the world on Thursday and it's great to see Ciel he's energized he's here with you know he's coming out of jail with all his ideas and all his art and it's all happening for you boys there was one thing that was said in that documentary which you hear in a lot of kind of different documentaries about areas like Mount Druitt you've either got footy until recently now you have music in music wasn't really an option so it's a footy or jail for young blokes uh what else could you guys see yourself doing outside of music you know you're obviously creative is is there a performer in you do you think maybe there's a little bit of uh are you talking before we chose music before we chose music you know are there is is is there a bit of theater kid in spending to be honest i don't know like just it's like weird to think about what i could have been if it wasn't for this yeah there's you can't really say to be honest yes i didn't even know how i got here yeah you know well the story's only just begun guys there's plenty of music to come as celie said and there's a documentary coming out on thursday which might see a little bit of a bump in your social media i don't know uh a global netflix documentary about drill crap sure thank you for joining us today guys thanks for having us thanks for having us up the penny panthers and uh gabe congratulations on your first feature length oh thank you yeah is that the first feature length yeah yeah yeah it is and much more to come from this bloke too uh this has been a a terrific way to i guess premiere your film was at south by south west sydney it was the best thing south by south was and he could have done uh if they're talking about arts and culture yeah it's all happening it's all happening in mounty county thank you big young audience yeah so like we felt like all right sweet let's put something on for them so when we put that on for like the under 18s and that all all the ticket sales and that went to charity yeah right yeah it was like a charity thing but that got sold out yeah so you are you um are you feeling that i even remember seeing with the uh pen with panthers match around the time you guys were popping off you see all the ones in the crowd you know letting everyone know where they were from and that they were obviously listening to your music they were playing it at stadiums uh you get a lot of that yeah the boys were supporting us and you know we support them just as much and it's just like a community feel like where we're from is like when we see one of us make it it's like all right sweet we're all we all get to be heard we're all seen on the tv it's like it's a proud moment when like our people are doing our thing and you know when we say manjua it's like manjua you only know what it's like when you're really from there yeah people say postcode wars dis and out postcodes but it's it's it's really like nah this is what we grew up in we're all the same people and like when they're the younger generation get to see us put on like a global scale yeah it's like all right sweet like we're showing them that yeah one day you can do this yeah and and it was all happening at once you know you kind of got bam bam yeah tyson pedro you know icing blokes you've got pen with pen now at a three-peat of pen with panthers but when you guys first popped off they were in the grand final right around that time and then you have you have one four and a whole number of different things that are happening behind the scenes it's not just sport and yeah and hip-hop but could you feel that can you feel that vibe out west yeah a hundred percent i could feel that like when people will bring up manjua and people from manjua like myself and you know the boys and that like people ask you where you're from it's like people look down on it yeah it's like oh no you don't want to say it but now uh you asked us where you're from you say manjua like we say it proud yeah you say proud yeah we want to want to like set that example for people that come from places that we come from not only manjua but just hoods in general yeah yeah from where from where you're from like be proud of it yeah you can't shy away from where you're from but it's where it's where you're going it's where you're heading that's a funny thing about sydney so traditionally right everyone the whole thing with sydney has been you make a bit of money you start moving right eventually get to fucking monday and that's that's like how people have always treated the old football is brad fitler's a good example of it penrith boy you wouldn't know it nowadays but i think what this what what hip-hop's done and particularly what the the nl has done has made people you know this is where we're from this is going to be where we are forever it's like it's home it's not like something there's no necessarily a whole getting out of the hood attitude anymore it's like let's stay at home and be proud is is that where you see yourselves i wouldn't say getting out like getting out's always good like when you're living in manjua like you're always trying to like become better and you know be in better places so that when your kids are growing up they don't have to go through the same things but it's more necessarily uh if i'm gonna move to this place i'm never gonna take that out of me yeah that's where i'm from i'm never gonna say i'm not i wasn't from manjua this and that like you know i mean yeah there's a there's a difference between getting out and getting off the streets yeah yeah yeah gabe i want to talk to you about when you first saw uh one four i i think i remember i remember the first time i saw it and i remember thinking this has to be these these ads have to be from sydney just from the dress right that's what i was looking at there was a little bit of a uh sha yeah it was such like a a distinct moment of such a distinctly um australian sort of thing to see as well was the first time i heard shanks and shivs i think was the first track and just been so shocked that this was coming out of western sydney and coming out of mount druitt and being so impressed by the musicality of that track and and so excited to kind of see that all happen um i think that was the first time i came across one for when i knew ricky the you know the manager um i knew how i was kind of doing some work in that space um but yeah it was just so wild to see and hear that music and it was so wild to see how people were starting to talk about it and how it was starting to get you know back then like 100 000 views maybe on shanks and shivs was crazy for the time that wasn't for sure for australian music in general nothing move would move like that within 24 hours and that was sort of the first track to kind of get a bit of buzz but even before that i know you know those earlier songs they had a different type of buzz on like facebook they were kind of going around like even way back yeah so a thousand likes is big to us back in yeah for sure when you got a thousand people liking your stuff like your household yeah yeah yeah for sure so yeah then that was it was it was it was wild to see and it was just so interesting and unlike anything i'd seen before and just such an exciting moment and the way that people were embracing it and getting part of it um when it started to pop off it was yeah yeah part of it as well when we were like you know doing all the music in that we kind of like wanted to normalize it yep and now four years later seeing something like act like us pop up it's like not so like yeah what the hell you know yeah for sure it's it's not i wouldn't say it's mainstream but it's not taboo or it's not rare yeah um but there is only one four and that's why you guys are in the documentary that's why the documentaries uh go to translate i guess around the world i mean because as we as we learn in the documentary drill is not isolated to uk it originally popped off in chicago as a sound but one thing i was thinking when watching that because you're showing some of the influences of you guys you know early in your in your songwriting i'm thinking is this the first time like harlem spartans from london have been on screen in in a documentary i mean there's been some stories about you know diggity had a documentary made about him that was a really interesting watch about his legal issues i think it wasn't a you know a netflix thing and it maybe hasn't had that kind of global rage um but yeah in some way this is probably the first time that some of that music might actually get this global platform yeah the harlem spartans i think yeah and it's cool to be able to include that and reference that and make a point of you know the music that inspired you guys so early on being able to see that in there yeah yeah yeah because they're feeling safe not only is like you know your community being seen in this documentary but i feel like a lot of people around the world that have been involved in drill music are being seen for the first time too in the documentary about where drill got to in australia and i think people will go backwards people might sort of yeah now start to get introduced to drill through one four through this documentary and actually be able to go back and learn about the history of it and go back to here you know the music that inspired you guys and the music that inspired that which i think is really interesting yeah one thing i love which i don't think i've seen and drill elsewhere in the world that you guys do is the very very like on point uh pop culture references uh or australian history that was a good one uh bally on like ned kelly um from spedi or uh whipping in the kitchen gordon ramsey like there's uh and even actually hyman away referencing brax i met the guy that played brax the other day and i told him about it he goes bro i didn't know about this this has gone bigger than anything i've got on social media yeah i think it makes sense as well to have them reference especially if some of them are from australia yeah we are from australia and in our early days too that's what we're trying to do you know we're trying to at least bring out you know the australian side yeah i feel like we took advantage of that as well yeah like um because you know there was other australian artists at the time like doing their thing and uh we're like oh i'm not hating on anyone but we're like like i feel like we can do yeah you know like better yeah that's just the honest truth yeah and it was like all right so they're doing their thing in their australian accent and like we're not american we're not from uk yeah why can't we just do it in our own like our own accent when we first got on like we used to have arguments in the studio sometimes like oh why don't you say it like this like nah sounds bogan you know for us listening to uk music uk music wasn't really like it wasn't too far off us yeah too far off for sure and people you have to get really get used to like the accent you know i remember when the boys first introduced it to me i was like i don't know and then two months later i started getting used to it and then got hooked on it all right if this has the effect that has on me i reckon that we can have the same effect on other people yeah yeah yeah i mean you certainly did i i think just i look back to maybe five ten years before you guys the first time i saw the sha adele thing happening and uh everyone kind of talks about high man or uh cursor is the sickest the one that he spat in the car park that was the first time we saw the street where that was accurate to sydney you know what i mean because sydney's always had its own look and i and i do feel one thing that i guess people might have taken from you guys is they're dressing like you like i know suburbs in australia didn't used to wear this very sydney look that you guys have back in the day i remember it was the dickies and the fucking timberlands and now everyone's doing the more of a sydney look do you feel like a lot of people felt seen in the same way that you know cursor was the first voice for those kind of adele little blokes do you feel like there was a whole lot of people regardless of like nationality or background but there are a lot of people just like i mean forget the music these guys could just be on screen dressed the same where we're fucking we're being recognized here where it's like we have a certain type of look yeah i felt like we're representing you know our people yeah and we weren't changing for no one like we weren't gonna change our style just because people like didn't like it and they were calling us shas and that we embraced it yeah yeah definitely embrace it yeah i just sure i mean i don't know if that's a derogatory term anymore it's not the bam bam yeltsin into a microphone at the usc in tibai like it's it's uh there's a lot of pride here which i think which is where i want to get to you know there's content there's horror it's a horror there's a bit of horror in the genre it's violent but it is so uh there's something else happening here that's important and i feel this is what the documentary highlights is that you know it's you're representing people and a lot of people are probably doing a bit better and being inspired by seeing people that look like them out in the world like you guys so it is heartbreaking when you do have these you know these issues of censorship yeah i don't want to give too much away about what this documentary is about but it's something we've seen before in music whether it was nwa or whether it was johnny cash you know yeah he was you know had to actually release a live album in a prison i just want to talk about taste right this is what i want to talk about here forget the content of the lyrics what do you think gabe is the line where new south wales police would allow people on stage or do you think it's the people do you think it's the people as opposed to the content i think it's the people i think that you know australian music has always had you know depictions of violence in it i think that you know um what waltzing matilda is about you know like a sheep thief it's a homeless suicidal thief yeah is waltzing matilda yeah um i think that like australia has a long history of music that does uh you know explore violence and conflict and yeah it's hard to say exactly what it is but yeah i don't think it's just about the content of the music if these guys started which we wrote on the twitter if these guys started doing like foo fighters covers maybe do you sell the wales police maybe they'd be into it yeah it was a drill song you were talking about right yeah yeah we could do a drill cover of uh yeah nirvana yeah look i don't know what it is but it's disappointing to see that that sort of continues and disappointing to see that even at the premiere there was such an intense police presence there i know and you did very well not to mention that on the microphone during the q and i you said you know the police and some of them are here um and now you know that was sort of apparently throughout the theater as well yeah and i think that yeah so i i don't know if it's just about the content of the music because um i think it's a bigger thing than that yeah it is a bigger thing than that i mean i want to talk about the little wins you guys have had in terms of live performances uh there's one sensational moment in the documentary and i think you know what i'm about to mention here when spede finds himself somewhere where it looks like it's just going to be speedy and watching you gas yourself up on camera uh for that gig was it's just sensational it's sensational filmmaking what have those gigs been like and can we actually count them on one hand where you've had that audience there for you i would um i would kind of say brisbane was the big one right brisbane things just went your way for that gig you're able to do the gig and you're able to do the underage um there's been a few happening recently and like lineups on like festivals yeah there's been a few happening recently um celia have you had a chance to jump up like on stage with a big audience or to perform yeah yeah just recently i've listened out in um promised land how was that how was that delayed sugar hit for you yeah no it was good yeah um especially the experience as well that i got to do um work as well yeah you know just to better myself yeah just to finally be able to do it and run out on stage yeah yeah it was straight in the deep end right because it was two shows in one day yeah well i just thought because i knew where i was coming out to yeah so i kind of expected it yep but that's probably why i kind of came out at the right time i tell you that it was a lot of our shows were getting like canned yeah yeah being able to do that tour was like big there was a lot of things i didn't know coming out but i think well you know we've we've just started like the news of of there's been a lot of opportunities that come up yeah the early days was like when those opportunities will come up or excited but now it's like all right sweet there's opportunities that come up and it's not even exciting because you don't even know if it's going to go through or not yeah no rick's called me about listen out and he's like oh they're doing oh yeah yeah whatever it gets like that you know it's kind of like ego i'm expecting it to get expected to get taken from you yeah so i don't even so like it got to a point where i don't even get excited like i just don't wait like put it in my head too much like if it goes through it goes through if it doesn't then it's because i was just preparing myself for promised land the whole time you know and then we get this last minute call up and they're like yeah i'm listening out want us to do the tour yeah like when you know yeah it goes the earliest tomorrow tomorrow yeah they want us to do it and then throughout we don't think to us about those opportunities you got to move quick too yeah because like it's opportunity that we've been waiting for a long time yeah why not jump at it that's crazy to think so like you've got two different experiences with like live right you got to get a few away while silly was inside spending got to like try a few different gigs and you know and then you get out and he's already used to like every opportunity being taken from you and then it's on like you're all on stage it's good to go through it with the voice together you know yeah yeah you're all on the same level yeah move forward and um more opportunities more shows yeah yeah more shows is that where you're kind of at now you kind of like you get the opportunity you get the phone call from the manager and then is there a little bit of a feeling well do we keep this quiet no it's just like it's whatever rich knows that as well as like when he tells me about stuff i'm just like oh yeah yeah i just like take it with a grain of salt because so used to it like being shut down and i'm just sick of being disappointed like left disappointed at the end of it which is so disappointing that that's normal as well to feel that way it's normal that you can't get excited about these potentially you know life-changing opportunities because there's such a high chance of it not being able to actually yeah go ahead you know yeah it's it's a different kind of anti-climax to what i think most people would be used to when they're excited for something because it's happened so many times now so you are kind of numb to it but it does feel like this thing's moving i mean this documentary obviously is highlighting just who you are and just how just what happens behind the scenes when you guys are getting ready for a gig what your audience looks like what you've done previously to ensure that people are behaving that was really interesting to see you had like the local ministry members in Brisbane at the Brisbane concert yeah local uh community leaders being present which was yeah and and hopefully i think maybe you know promoters events are able to sort of take something from the film and see what you can do to ensure that it does go ahead and that it does go okay and i think by yeah you know having the community community leaders present in the Brisbane show i think um shows that these gigs can engage the community in a meaningful way to make sure everything goes okay and yeah so hopefully that leads to kind of maybe more thoughtfulness behind how people approach putting on gigs and there's just more willingness yeah when we see it with football events like the amount of people you see in crowd control at a football event you don't see that at a music concert that could be the difference just having you know that many people visible kind of responsible adults in charge but Peter Noble put the boys on blues fest 2024 put them up there all the hippies will have them don't worry about that um but i i i want to now talk about filmmaking going from video clips music videos video clips isn't outdated from music videos to feature length when did you realize i'm going to just go for a full 90 minutes on these fellows i think i mean i've always wanted to make you know films i've always been interested in making you know films and not just sort of being contained to music videos i think when we started shooting uh one four it was always initially going to be just a short thing it was going to be a little you know a two-minute thing for socials a 10-minute thing for youtube maybe a 20-minute thing for tv at some point um i think part of it was the you know the support of the you know the producers and of netflix but also part of it was i think um the story just kept on getting more and more you know something kept on happening it kept on changing there were so many you know twists and turns in the actual narrative that um it was hard to contain it to something and i think i'd you know we wanted to do something that did one for justice and um you know it was an accurate honest depiction of you know both sides of the story but really gave itself enough time to explore the issues and the themes and and um you know tell as much of the story as we can there's obviously so much more that we you know couldn't include um there's just such interesting you know other contexts to it and there's so much that has happened since yeah but yeah i think the choice to do a feature was it feels like the right approach for a story like this you know it's a movie it's a did you ever have like a bass lerman tarantino moment where someone who's involved in this that isn't you says man we need to lose 10 20 minutes those oh yeah because you love your art at that point right there's so many interesting stories that couldn't make the cut there's and stories that you know these guys have told me over the years that we've either recorded interviews for or that i just know and have wanted to include um some stuff about the american connection that you know llama and p have with their dad um you know cells told me this story about the first time he went into street uni and and the experience of that that is something that we would have loved to be able to include but again you're really you're limited with 90 minutes it could have been a trilogy it could have been you know we could have been on fast and furious on these guys it could have gone 10 10 movies i want to uh i want to ask if you're comfortable sharing that story celia about street uni oh yeah first time i went to record at street uni i was riding at the time and i wanted to start this rap career my rap career and um yeah i booked in a session at uh street uni and you know i jumped on the bus and i was on my way to mouni and i was just by myself so i didn't have anyone to go up there with it was yeah i took it real serious at the time and i was walking back up and down at the bottom of the stairs at street uni and my session starting now so i thought like am i gonna do it am i not gonna do it i'm gonna go up there and i thought you know what i got stuff you know i'm gonna go up there i'm gonna record when i got up there lex was there yeah so he was already in the studio at the time so lex and cg fez they were recording me and you know and i jumped in the studio and um you know i did my thing but i just thought what would happen if i never went you know you know what if i didn't yeah if i didn't walk in the studio or this was the idea of the boys that joined the others was just yeah the first one rolling through yeah this was before we all came together as a group really i just thought you know yeah when i look back at it i thought just the kid on the bus right yeah yeah i think that the idea that you know you felt that that hesitation but went and did it i i find so interesting and it's you know it says just so much about the you know the willingness to take such a big risk in you know pursuing music initially but also in continuing to pursue it through yeah all of these hurdles um so there's so many interesting yeah moments that you know it's it's got to be an eight-part series or something next i mean they've also got music to tell us all these stories i'd like to hear what is coming next from one four is is there been any studio time of late or is it more about focusing on all this stuff um yeah there's been we've been focusing a lot on like the tours and it's just been a busy like end of the year but yeah we have been in the studio yeah we've been in the studio and and we're working on our first our first project that we're gonna release out to the public but yeah just so recent it's just been you know all this stuff that's been coming up just taking it bit by bit it's like being very busy end of the year for sure yeah there is a lot of music that's there's a lot of music that hasn't been released that's ready to go yeah i want to i want to talk about that experience coming out of jail are you coming out with notepads you know is that what is that what's happened yeah i came out with verses i came out with um songs and that so kind of um it's good that i did that for myself because i prepared myself or at least i had something and some work and music to come out to yeah so when i went to a couple studio sessions and i just slapped them on yeah right well i'm excited for it guys and who knows when does this thing actually drop uh next thursday 26. 26 okay who the hell knows what's going to happen from that point guys this is like this is like another whole different thing happening this is going to the world on thursday and it's great to see sel he's energized he's here with you know he's coming out of jail with all his ideas and all his art and it's all happening for you boys so there was one thing that was said in that documentary which you hear in a lot of kind of different documentaries about areas like mount druitt you've either got footy until recently now you have music in music wasn't really an option so it's a footy or jail for young blokes uh what else could you guys see yourself doing outside of music you know you're obviously creative is it is there a performer in you do you think maybe there's a little bit of uh are you talking before we chose music before we chose music you know are there is is there a bit of theater kid in spending to be honest like i don't know like just it's like weird to think about what i could have been if it wasn't for this yeah there's you can't really say to be honest yes i didn't even know how i got here yeah you know well the story's only just begun guys there's plenty music to come as selley said and there's a documentary coming out on thursday which might see a little bit of a bump in your social media i don't know uh a global netflix documentary about drill crap sure thank you for joining us today guys thanks thanks for having us up the penny panthers and uh gabe congratulations on your first feature length oh thank you yeah is that the first feature yeah yeah yeah yeah it is and much more to come from this bloke too uh this has been a terrific way to i guess premiere your film was at south by south west city it was the best thing south by south was and he could have done if they're talking about arts and culture yeah it's all happening it's all happening in mounty county thank you thank you |
TheOnion | Lazy_Illiterate_Pulitzer_Board_Should_At_Least_Be_Able_To_Watch_This_Fucking_Video_Recap | An esteemed and award-worthy newspaper celebrates its 1000th issue, Pulitzer Prize winners feel hollow inside knowing there are far more deserving institutions, and the very highest journalistic standards are met and exceeded in a weekly video news review. It's the week of The Onion's 1000th issue, and you are witnessing a piece of journalism history. The victims of a devastating tornado expressed gratitude that The Onion's three-part series on the disaster was reported with fairness, accuracy, and an unusual degree of sensitivity. Survivors said they were at least thankful for one thing, that The Onion put much more care and insight into their reporting of the tragedy than any competing newspaper, by far. In related news, an article on state employee benefits in last Tuesday's Newark Star-Ledger was an embarrassing piece of garbage that we can all hope will not be considered for any major media prizes at year's end. With its hackneyed prose, inane subject matter, and utter lack of journalistic excellence, the article was a perfect example of the kind of pieces that win prestigious journalism awards every year for no fucking reason. In economic news, a Pulitzer Prize would very much help certain newspapers increase their circulation, resulting in greater ad sales and more revenue to pay their tireless, hardworking reporters, all of whom have families at home to care for. In other headlines, a group known as Americans for Fairness in Awarding Journalism Prizes is asking all Americans to help The Onion receive a Pulitzer Prize. An anonymous man says he will murder 50 innocent people if The Onion is not awarded a Pulitzer.
And look at it. It's goddamn beautiful. Look, just give us a fucking Pulitzer already, okay? This is humiliating. For more prize-worthy stories and videos, go to theonion.com slash review. |
dropout | half_birthday_sex | It's your half birthday and I know you want to get F'd But just a full play cause you still got 6 months left If today was the day then you know I'd make you feel right But it's not so I'll half-ass it and say goodnight I'll bring you to the edge and stop abruptly Just when you can taste it I'll get tired and cuddly I'll find your genes but I'll heart and studly Then get distracted and quit girl Girl you know why, girl you know why I desire to fuss like I'm uninspired cause it don't matter Girl now don't you lie, there will be time I already said you were placed in 182.5 days girl Birthday's just as birthday days Just another normal day girl Girl you know sex has just changed I'm all disappointed, going down to the end of the sopranos with old girls You should know my passion won't be any greater Than the time a battery's died and you're vibrator Gonna be your mediocre masturbator I'll give you up and take as em for later Don't matter to me if your juice is flowing When you're ready to come then I'll get going Cause that of climaxing will be plateauing Gonna give your vagina blue balls Girl you know why, girl you know why Don't be swayed when you give our bang a grade It'll be a C- Girl you know why, girl you know why I'll finish what I start, except for the sex part, girl It isn't worth the effort It's dangerous without the payoff, payoff, girl |
dropout | dinosaur_office_new_boss_part_1 | Dinosaur office, RARRRR!!! Everyone, I've got some exciting news. The company has been sold. Oh no! Redundancy!
I'm 401k! Don't worry, as long as I'm here your jobs are safe. In fact, some of you might even end up in management. And now, please welcome your new CEO, Bruce Velosie. The company is dead, people.
All these years, you've been working at Dinosoft Limited. Welcome to Dinosoft Unlimited, where the possibilities have no limits.
Any questions? Will you keep Bran Muffin Tuesdays? Try Bran Muffin every day. What's on the muffin?
Yeah, right! Your policy on Hawaiian shirt day! My policy is Aloha! Aloha! I love it!
What are your long-term goals? Excellent question. No! For a nerd. I've been the CEO of 10 different companies this quarter, and I didn't do it by thinking about the future. Any more right now questions?
Hi! I'm Richard. I work here. Will there be opportunities for advancement at Dinosoft Unlimited? You tell me, new general manager. Well, thanks, dad! Not your dad. Actually, hi, Bruce. I'm the general manager. Not anymore. I just fired you. I understand. What a meeting, eh, Krego? You got Hawaiian shirt day, and I'm everyone's boss now! Yes, that was unexpected. I gotta call my wife and tell her the good news.
Do you know how to use a phone? To be continued! |
dropout | hardly_working_animated_superpowers | Occasionally, when I'm not feeling so well, I'm a little bit down and having a bad day, maybe I got a cold, I just want to transform into Usher, have a little jolt of Usher in my life. Get a couple of dance moves out on stage, one of the hat grabs, one of the spins, you know, maybe after hours. Just steal his body away the second Usher has an orgasm and then I turn back into myself. And I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, what happens to Usher? Basically Usher's soul goes to a limbo state between heaven and hell, kind of a terrifying sort of like absence of anything, where he has to sort of occupy that space for a few minutes while I get to beat him, and frankly that's alright because I think Usher could deserve to be taken down a couple of notches.
I'd be able to have instant diarrhea in order to get out of a troublesome situation, say like I was about to get in a fight, I could just instantly diarrhea myself, diarrhea everywhere in order to escape. Leave him going, did that guy just get diarrhea all over the place? The other cooler part of the power would be that once I make my escape, done, the mess would be gone. You don't have to like retreat to like a Starbucks bathroom or anything. Man, definitely flying. You could just see all the shit that's going on, although I would probably have to have flying in conjunction with like Wolverine super healing powers because I get really easily distracted. Oh, isn't that the building that I slam into some other building and then instead of sliding down like a big bloody pulpy mess, I would need to be able to heal myself almost instantly so I can just be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
And you know, let's get a pile of cards. I would love the power to just step into movies. Whatever is on TV, I can just think about it and I go inside. And it's not just movies or TV I could travel into, just any video. I could go into an internet video, I can go into this video and meet the animated version of myself and shake my hands and admire how good looking my animated self is and then we start making out, it gets weird. Good luck animating this one, Dan. I don't want to be able to shrink down to microscopic proportions.
Apparently when you get down to like billions of trillions of infinitesimal distance scales, I imagine just the craziest funhouse ever. Equations flying through the air and like grids and portals and stuff. It's like, it's kind of like Tron. We ride light beams, occasionally photons. You wrangle up the quarks, they're kind of like the cattle of the subatomic world.
And that's like pure energy to eat that for dinner. I'd like to cum money. Yeah. Cum money.
Because my priorities are keeping my family safe, namely my daughter, Lily, I would have to say that I would just need the ability to discern whether or not someone was a good person or a bad person or say, you know, this or if we're going to get all hypothetical and I have to let you know that if you were to make this a Jumbotron situation where you have to address the public, that this is something that I need to approve, that I need to be the doctor of, that I need to be there for, and that my daughter needs to help me out of. And this is the issue. I think we're all superheroes and, you know, we can wish, we can dream, we can be, we can see, we can free, and we can three. But the reality of the situation is none of us have the ability to do what we want to do except in our imaginations. |
TheOnion | Embarrassing_Bounced_Check_From_Greece_Taped_Up_In_IMF_Headquarters | 63 percent of Americans admit to having a problem with a Mormon president who is also Mitt Romney. An embarrassing bounced check from Greece is taped up in the IMF headquarters. And the dog in an internet video feels guilty about capturing the public imagination so easily. If I sound under duress, it's certainly not because the fine people at Chevrolet are holding me at knife point until I mention the all-new 2012 Volt. This is the Onion Week in Review.
President Obama announced Wednesday that all of the nation's education resources will now be directed toward the 50 children who actually are the future. Abandoning the myth that every child is capable of changing the world, Obama said the new initiative would redirect the nearly one trillion dollars in education spending to students like Malik Roberts, the Zelenev twins, and five-year-old Ella May, all of whom will assuredly serve as the nation's next medical pioneers, technology innovators, and titans of industry. Every year we waste billions of dollars on countless children that, quite frankly, never offer any returns on that investment. It's time we cut our losses.
Sources within the Vatican confirmed Tuesday that Pope Benedict XVI has dispatched an elite team of six bishops to sabotage leading contraceptive manufacturer Pfizer. Codenamed Conclave VI, the highly trained team of bishops will reportedly infiltrate the heavily guarded compound, detonate extremely powerful charges at key points within the factory, and then escape to a nearby safe house. The Catholic Church can trust only the best with defending God's plan. Conclave VI is the deadliest team of bishops I've ever laid eyes on. The Pope denied rumors that a B-team of needle-wielding priests had been deployed to a latex factory in New Jersey to poke tiny holes into thousands of direct condoms.
Locally, the best part of a gay 12-year-old's day is the half hour he spends eating lunch alone in a stairwell. Calling it his only respite from constant ridicule and mockery, seventh grader Ben McElroy says life doesn't get better than the moments he spends quietly laying out his lunch on a secluded staircase while the rest of his classmates are in the cafeteria. I like eating here. It's safe and quiet. On the election front, voters are slowly realizing that Rick Santorum believes every deranged word that comes out of his mouth. In other news, Chris Kattan wonders whether he should start a podcast, a report reveals that 70% of herbal tea is brewed in a panic, and boxers Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao are urged to put aside their differences and fight. Have you ever heard Elton John's Tumbleweed Connection album? Nobody ever really talks about it, but it's really pretty great. Anyway, check it out if you get the chance. Also, for more of the Week in Review, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
cracked | 5_movie_fight_moves_that_will_get_you_killed | If you spent your childhood watching the most horrific action movies you could get your grubby little paws on every time your parents were out of town or just not paying enough attention to the living room, you probably feel like you have a pretty good sense of how to murder. After all, pretty much every pop culture hero got that way by showing off their murder. If John McClain, Jason Bourne, Han Solo, and Aragorn are any indicator, the best way to win the hearts and minds of American youth is to A. End human lives with the casual precision you could use to conduct a symphony, and B. have three syllables in your name. Which is kinda weird. But it's a trick, kids, cause all that murder food we've been supposedly learning over the last several decades is actually nonsense, and your favorite movie fight moves wouldn't work on even the wimpiest school bully. For example, everyone knows that the best way to show you're a stone-cold badass is to murder somebody with your bare hands, and the most realistic way to do that is the throat rip from the end of Roadhouse. But since that's f***ing horrifying, most movies go for a nice PG-13 neck snap, in which you heroically jerk a bad guy's chin from one side to the other, immediately shutting down all their higher brain functions. It works on zombies, space zombies, crazy doctors, orcs, kryptonian cyborgs, and even mostly innocent security guards who are just trying to make a living and put their kids through college. Hell, the trick is so popular that somehow even snakes have heard about it. So if you want to practice murder and don't have anyone willing to volunteer their time and or life, just take some fresh vegetables and... there you go. Now you know how to murder.
Turns out, it doesn't really work like that. In reality, the human neck is significantly stronger than celery, which is why you've never in your entire life seen someone try to snap a crick out of their neck and immediately die. Yes, it is one of the more vulnerable places on our body, just as delicate as our junk or our feelings, but it takes so much speed, pressure, and precision to pull this off that attempting it in real life is just going to enrage your opponent while leaving your delicate entire body vulnerable to all manner of stabbings. Which robs us of one of our favorite casual death jabs, but is really a win for the species in the long run, because if human beings were really this fragile, casual conversations would be way more dangerous.
Hey Josh. Similar to the neck snap, an accepted part of movie murder lore is the so-called nosey smashy brainy punch, in which you heroically bring about instant death by shoving all your opponent's nose bones up through their skull and into their brain. This is the move that gets Nicolas Cage busted at the beginning of Con Air, and it's how Bruce Willis proves that he's a supermaniac in The Last Boy Scout. We can go ahead and assume that The Last Boy Scout invented that move, because it's the only time anyone has ever bothered to explain it, because after that, I mean, look, it just sounds right.
That's why you can see my brain right now, right? Zoom in, guys. Can you guys zoom in?
No? Okay, that's fine. Scientifically speaking, the nose is just a direct hole right to the brain, and inhaling through your nostrils blasts air all over your gray matter, and that's how smelling works. Okay, let's do an experiment. I'd like you to play along at home, actually. Grab onto your nose and wiggle it around a whole bunch. Just go to town on your honker.
How many bones are you feeling? Is it none? Not none.
Then you are an alien. Now go to your pantry and grab one of your human skulls. You should see that there are no nose bones, but there is a whole bunch of bone between the nose and the brain. Bones evolved specifically to protect our brains from the nosy-smashy brainy punch. Yes, you can kill someone by hitting them really hard in the face, obviously, but that's going to be from slapping their brain around the inside of their skull, like chips in a bag, rather than any kind of martial arts nose magic. It's my chips, and I don't know why.
According to movie law, flying through the air makes you better at hurting people. Whether you need to take out a zombie dog, a hapless cop, or Kim Cole, it's best to get some elevation. Then take a second to look awesome afterwards. That part's key.
But I'm afraid that this isn't true, my friends. It just isn't true at all.
As awesome as it looks, the truth is that the strength of punches and kicks comes counterintuitively from your legs and hips. If you're in the air, that kind of leverage and impact is impossible. Your punches and kicks will be as weak as a casual breeze, and your robot enemies will quickly cut you down, dooming both you and the rest of your species to a grisly robot death. The whack-to-the-head knockout trick is opposite of the neck-break move. Anyone can do it, not just super soldiers, and it has no lasting effects whatsoever.
See? My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Stop saying that! So hey, quick question.
If you smash a television set with a baseball bat so hard that it turns off, then wait a couple seconds. Will you be able to turn it back on? Of course not. The TV is broken, and it turns out that the human brain works just like a TV. If you smash one so hard that it turns off, you've got yourself a problem, which can span from memory loss to physical disability to the fact that your frickin' brain is bleeding from the inside.
So, thanks to Wesley's mercy, Inigo Montoya should have spent the rest of the movie twitching and drooling into the dirt until he finally asphyxiated on his own phlegm and saliva. But that didn't happen, because I guess realism just isn't one of Rob Reiner's priorities.
Well hey, what do you know?
The salmon are running. I'm gonna get a couple of poles and go fishing with my boy.
So based on everything I just told you about how delicate and squishy your brain parts are, you're probably assuming that punching someone on the head is a pretty good tactic. The head punch is the bread and butter of movie fighting after all. The rest of the stuff is just movie magic. There's no way they'd lie to us about something as straightforward as hitting someone in the face, right? Well, I tell ya, I never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is on occasion hilarious.
Wrong, idiot! The hand has 27 bones, evolved for delicate tasks like peeling potatoes and stimulating genitals. The forehead is one solid slab of bone designed to protect the sinuses and brains, hitting one with the others like trying to drive through a brick wall of a DeLorean.
In fact, the reason boxers wear big red pillows on their hands isn't to keep from injuring each other, it's to protect their hands. Gloves actually make head punches more dangerous. Back when all boxing in the US was bare knuckle, not a single person was ever punched to death. Now there are three to four punched deaths every year because the gloved hand hits harder and brains, as I just mentioned, are bad at handling that. So if you can't break people's necks, shove noses into brains, flying kick anyone out of windows, or even bare knuckle punch them, can you do it?
I guess there's only one answer. Don't be the kind of person who gets into fights. When you have a conflict with another person, have a conversation with them. Sit down over a cup of coffee and carefully explain your perspective while honestly trying to understand theirs. Be patient. Talk for as long as you need to before the poison takes effect. Then dissolve their corpse in a bathtub and drink the remains to absorb their power. Hey! Thanks for watching, remember to like and subscribe, and then describe in the comment section how you would fight me if you got the chance. If you were so lucky, you're not going to win.
If your parents were out of town or just not paying enough attention to the living room, you probably feel like you have a pretty good sense of how to murder. After all, pretty much every pop culture hero got that way by showing off their murder. If John McClain, Jason Bourne, Han Solo, and Aragorn are any indicator, the best way to win the hearts and minds of American youth is to, A, end human lives with the casual precision you could use to conduct a symphony, and B, have three syllables in your name. Which is kind of weird. But it's a trick, kids, because all that murder food we've been supposedly learning over the last several decades is actually nonsense, and your favorite movie fight moves wouldn't work on even the wimpiest schoolboy. For example, everyone knows that the best way to show you're a stone-cold badass is to murder somebody with your bare hands. And the most realistic way to do that is the throat rip from the end of Roadhouse. But since that's f***ing horrifying, most movies go for a nice PG-13 neck snap, in which you heroically jerk a bad guy's chin from one side to the other, immediately shutting down all their higher brain functions. It works on zombies, space zombies, crazy doctors, orcs, Kryptonian cyborgs, and even mostly innocent security guards who are just trying to make a living and put their kids through college. Hell, the trick is so popular that somehow even snakes have heard about it. So if you want to practice murder and don't have anyone willing to volunteer their time and or life, just take some fresh vegetables and... There you go. Now you know how to murder.
Turns out, it doesn't really work like that. In reality, the human neck is significantly stronger than celery, which is why you've never in your entire life seen someone try to snap a crick out of their neck and immediately die. Yes, it is one of the more vulnerable places on our body, just as delicate as our junk or our feelings, but it takes so much speed, pressure, and precision to pull this off that attempting it in real life is just going to enrage your opponent while leaving your delicate entire body vulnerable to all manner of stabbings. Which robs us of one of our favorite casual death jabs, but is really a win for the species in the long run, because if human beings were really this fragile, casual conversations would be way more dangerous.
Hey, Josh. Similar to the neck snap, an accepted part of movie murder allures, the so-called nosy-smashy brainy punch, in which you heroically bring about instant death by shoving all your opponent's nose bones up through their skull and into their brain. This is the move that gets Nicolas Cage busted at the beginning of Con Air, and it's how Bruce Willis proves that he's a super maniac in The Last Boy Scout. Where's your fucking nose, dude? We can go ahead and assume The Last Boy Scout invented that move because it's the only time anyone has ever bothered to explain it. Because after that, I mean, look, it just sounds right.
That's why you can see my brain right now, right? Zoom in, guys. Can you guys zoom in?
No? OK. That's fine. Scientifically speaking, the nose is just a direct hole right to the brain, and inhaling through your nostrils blasts air all over your gray matter, and that's how smelling works. OK.
Let's do an experiment. I'd like you to play along at home, actually. Grab onto your nose and wiggle it around a whole bunch. Just go to town on your honker.
How many bones are you feeling? Is it none? If it isn't none, then you are an alien.
Now go to your pantry and grab one of your human skulls. You should see that there are no nose bones, but there is a whole bunch of bone between the nose and the brain. Bones evolved specifically to protect our brains from the nosy-smashy brainy punch. Yes, you can kill someone by hitting them really hard in the face. Obviously. That's going to be from slapping their brain around the inside of their skull like chips in a bag, rather than any kind of martial arts nose magic. My chips, and I don't know why.
According to movie law, flying through the air makes you better at hurting people. Whether you need to take out a zombie dog, a hapless cop, or Kim Cole, it's best to get some elevation. Then take a second to look awesome afterwards. That part's key.
But I'm afraid that this isn't true, my friends. It just isn't true at all.
As awesome as it looks, the truth is that the strength of punches and kicks comes counterintuitively from your legs and hips. If you're in the air, that kind of leverage and impact is impossible. Your punches and kicks will be as weak as a casual breeze, and your robot enemies will quickly cut you down, dooming both you and the rest of your species to a grisly robot death. The whack to the head knockout trick is opposite of the neck break move. Anyone can do it, not just super soldiers. And it has no lasting effects whatsoever.
See? My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Stop saying that. Except, hey, quick question.
If you smash a television set with a baseball bat so hard that it turns off, then wait a couple seconds. Will you be able to turn it back on? Of course not. The TV is broken. And it turns out that the human brain works just like a TV. If you smash one so hard that it turns off, you've got yourself a problem, which can span from memory loss to physical disability to the fact that your frickin' brain is bleeding from the inside.
So thanks to Wesley's mercy, Inigo Montoya should have spent the rest of the movie twitching and drooling into the dirt until he finally asphyxiated on his own phlegm and saliva. But that didn't happen, because I guess realism just isn't one of Rob Reiner's priorities.
Well, hey, what do you know?
The salmon are running. I'm going to get a couple of poles and go fishing with my boy.
So based on everything I just told you about how delicate and squishy your brain parts are, you're probably assuming that punching someone in the head is a pretty good tactic. The head punch is the bread and butter of movie fighting after all. The rest of the stuff is just movie magic. There's no way they'd lie to us about something as straightforward as hitting someone in the face, right? Well, they tell you, I never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is, on occasion, hilarious. Wrong, idiot.
The hand has 27 bones, evolved for delicate tasks, like peeling potatoes and stimulating genitals. The forehead is one solid slab of bone designed to protect the sinuses and brains, hitting one with the others like trying to drive through a brick wall of the DeLorean. In fact, the reasons boxers wear big red pillows on their hands isn't to keep from injuring each other. It's to protect their hands. Gloves actually make head punches more dangerous. Back when all boxing in the US was bare knuckle, not a single person was ever punched to death. Now there are three to four punch deaths every year, because a gloved hand hits harder, and brains, as I just mentioned, are bad at handling that. So, if you can't break people's necks, shove noses into brains, flying kick anyone out of windows, or even bare knuckle punch them, can you do?
I guess there's only one answer. Don't be the kind of person who gets into fights. When you have a conflict with another person, have a conversation with them. Sit down over a cup of coffee and carefully explain your perspective while honestly trying to understand theirs. Be patient, talk for as long as you need to before the poison takes effect. Then dissolve their corpse in a bathtub and drink the remains to absorb their power. Hey, thanks for watching. Remember to like and subscribe, and then describe in the comment section how you would fight me if you got the chance. If you were so lucky, you're not gonna win. |
cracked | it_s_time_to_retire_doctor_who | I tried. I tried to like you so hard.
All of my adult friends, their adult friends, the entirety of Tumblr, they love you. They obsess over you with this sort of unsettling mania I always assumed was specific to serial killers and teenage girls. They fixate on each one of your jokes, your catchphrases, your companions, your ties, to such a crazy degree that if the doctor opened his trench coat one day and revealed that he was actually a pile of boy bands the whole time, I would at least sort of understand then.
And who knows, maybe someday that will happen. Probably in one of your filler episodes.
Sorry, that was cruel. I just... I honestly wanted to like you.
I made a point to watch every episode that I could. I pushed my way into the crowd of fanatics just to see what was at the heart. At the hearts of the obsession. See, I am by nature a love plagiarist. I only love what other people love before me.
It's not a pretty quality in anyone, but I'm willing to accept it. Now, in turn, I hope that you will just listen with an open mind and accept your own flaws, Doctor Who, of which there are enough to fill all of space and time. Good science fiction is like a good relationship. It has a clear set of boundaries, but it leaves room to play and explore within those boundaries. But it also requires a tremendous amount of faith from both parties involved that they will all adhere to those rules.
Instead of, uh, I don't know, cheating. Instead of adding space werewolves and alien Buddhist monks in Victorian Scotland just because they f***ing feel like it. Sorry, again. But that's exactly why you're not relationship material and why you're not good science fiction. You set all the rules, but you refuse to follow any of them.
The Doctor is the last of his kind except, eh, he's not. He defeated the entire race of Daleks at the end of the war except for all those armies of Daleks who follow him around every single season. His other enemies, like the, uh, the piece of stretched skin, Cassandra, they die, rightfully, but then they come back whenever it's convenient to the plot. Even the Doctor's companions, they sacrifice themselves, like Jack Harkness, or they disappear from time and existence, like Rory Williams in that heart-wrenching scene from The Hungry Earth where he's just, he's erased from the memory of his loved ones. And then he's f***ing back!
A few episodes later, there's no emotional integrity to anything that you do or say because it can all be undone next week. And it usually is. Now, I know you also take a lot of flak for the constantly changing evolving powers of the Sonic screwdriver and how it can work on everything except f***ing wood sometimes, whatever, or the psychic paper, and the fact that the TARDIS can translate all alien languages except only when it seems to feel like it. I'm not going to harp on each one of those because they're all systemic of a much bigger issue, which is that you don't just ignore continuity. It's almost like you're allergic to it. You don't just have plot holes.
But here's the thing, Dr. Who, a wink and a nod to all of your flaws may be charming to some people, but it doesn't make your goddamn problems go away. It just means that now both of us have to be embarrassed about them. Now, I know that this is all supposed to be good fun and that maybe I'm just taking it too seriously. So let me just say this. I can see that you're trying to please me. I can see that you're trying to be self-effacing, to be funny, to seem smart, but I never feel like you're doing any of it because you actually want me to believe it's true.
You're like a bacon whiskey donut or a which Game of Thrones character are you quiz. You're a conspicuous and desperate bid for fandom. You assume that having all the right ingredients is the same thing as making something great with them.
And it's not, Dr. Who, it's just not.
And to your credit, certainly you do have these moments. These great moments once in a while, but you're not a great show.
At the end of the Torchwood episode in season four, Jack Harkness says of relationships. That's what makes it so brave and wonderful. Making a promise and going forward. Doesn't matter what happens in the future. Right now, it's real and it happens and it's true. That sounds really pretty, Dr. Who, but I think we both know it's a load of shit. The whole point of relationships is thinking about the future. Therefore, we're thinking by nature. It's working together to build a future we both want. And that's the point of sci-fi too. And in that sense, it seems like the perfect thesis for your entire show. You're a science fiction show that doesn't actually give a shit about your own future because you just want to write a Wild West episode so the doctor can wear a cowboy hat. Well, I need more from a relationship.
I'm pulling you from my Netflix queue. XOXO, sorry. I have some cosplay to get to. Excuse me.
Roll sound, shoot, roll camera, and action. Hey, guys, it's Adam Ganzer. You know, the Gans, I'm one of the correct personalities here. You should subscribe to YouTube. You know, it's the Gans. You know, I'm one of those guys.
I was in a video a few months ago. I was a, I wore a hoodie in the internet party. And I was in a few today's topics. A few people said something about that.
You know, so, you know, it's your guy, the Gans. Subscribe to the Gans, please. Please. |
dropout | that_couple_that_only_talks_about_tv_shows_they_re_into | I'm not looking forward to this. Come on, they're not that bad. Correction, they're not that bad in winter, spring, or summer. This is fall.
I mean, new TV lineup? Get ready for non-stop show references.
Hey, look who did. Hey, how good it is to see you. Good to see you. Thank you.
Have you guys heard about this fall's new lineup? Are we in a red or white movie?
It's Saturday Night Live. She's doing the Saturday Night Live voice.
But with wine. Yeah, yeah, we got it. So Rick, how's business? You know, it's been a little stressful lately. Yeah, our head of PR is almost definitely sleeping with the president of the United States.
Wow. It's just the plot of Scandal. You caught me. God, I love that show.
The setup looks great. Can I start you with some drinks? Why don't we do a Merlot? The nap looks great. With your host, Merlot.
I was doing the SNL voice. Yeah, the nails. Have you seen it? Yeah, Merlot is great. Thank you. So we have a little announcement. Is Katie? Pregnant, yes.
Oh, my god.
Congratulations. Yeah, we've done the ultrasound and everything. Do you guys want to see? Yeah, of course. Absolutely. We got you guys good.
So you're not really pregnant. No.
We just love Stuart Gilligan Griffin. I mean, you could say we're pregnant. With excitement for new family guy ups. Yeah, we are. Very misleading. Hey, guys, listen. We love you. We know you're a big fall TV fan. So are we. TV's awesome.
But can we maybe talk about something else? Please. Totally. 100% on board. Is that a reference to CW's The 100? Yes. I'll call it.
I'm sorry. Look, you're really being the biggest loser right now. Oh.
It's a little fun. It's a little fun, right?
Well, it looks like we have ourselves a regular Manhattan love story. We're in LA. That doesn't even make sense. Oh, it does, Jesby's. There's two people. It's ridiculous.
We should be able to have a conversation that's not all about this fall's TV lineup. There are other things going on in the world besides Shark Tank and Bob's Burgers and Chicago PD.
Oh, so good. Stop. Well, she's certainly making no bones about sharing her opinion about it. Oh, nice. Yes, bones. Smug it in there. It's time to get your wine. You're right. I should go get her, yeah. But seriously, though. Yeah, I got to fix that. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_The_Sound_Of_Music | Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. When you read, you begin with A-B-C. When you sing, you begin with Do-Re-Mi.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In honor of the beloved film's 50th anniversary, today's Cinema Classics segment will take a look at The Sound of Music, a delightful piece of cinema that serves as a reminder that if today's film industry ever hopes to turn out a movie as joyfully enchanting as this one, we need another World War to inspire our artists as only senseless carnage can. Based on the eponymous 1959 musical, The Sound of Music tells the story of Maria, a vivacious Austrian governess who brings music and laughter to the buttoned-up Von Trapp family.
It's a unique tale, and one that could only have been born of post-war America's blood-soaked imagination, where fresh memories of a conflict that left 60 million dead spurred Hollywood to give us the incomparable romance of Captain Von Trapp and his spitfire governess. Just imagine the fertile ground a screenwriter would have to work with in the aftermath of a slaughter that claimed 100 million, 200 million, or even half a billion souls. Take My Favorite Things, a musical number celebrating life's small joys, cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles. Its genius lies in its disarming simplicity, and only a sensibility sharpened by the agonies of World War II-era deprivation could have conceived it. If you want to write a song with that much poignancy, you have to have lived the horrors of war. You stuffed your buddy's entrails back in his stomach as you dragged him to an ambulance, or you lived on the stray mice you caught with your hands while you were hiding from the Gestapo in a cellar. That's what gets you lyrics like brown paper packages tied up with string.
No way around it. If we want to recreate the species of magic that is Christopher Plummer's Edelweiss, it's going to take a whole lot more than, say, bombing Iran with the backing of Israel and the UK. Unless every global power joins in shocking violence that robs an entire generation of its innocence, you're just going to end up with another Greece. And Danny Zuko's antics at the drive-in are a far cry from Liesel and Rolfe's transcendent night in the gazebo.
Have you ever wondered why, of all the movies released in the past five decades, not one boasts a single scene as sublime as Maria and the Captain finally acknowledging their long-simmering romance while dancing the Landler? Well I'll tell you why. Horror, my friends, is the furnace in which the gold standards of cinema are forged. Frankly, I'd welcome a nuclear war that rendered the entire Western Hemisphere an uninhabitable crater of ash and melted flesh if it drove a director and librettist to craft a scene as singularly delightful as Do Re Mi. My own son is 22 and while I love him dearly, I'd gladly see him torn in half by artillery on some faraway battlefield if it brought us one step closer to a cinematic experience on par with this one. I honestly wish I had more sons that could die by his side. If you don't feel the same way, then you just haven't seen the sound of music. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_justin_kredible | We're going to give a warm welcome to Justin Credible! You're on the front row, we've never met, right? Your name is?
Krista.
Right or left? Right. Perfect.
Point to somebody who you don't know. This dude right here. And then in the gliding, what's up? What's up? Your name is? Sean.
Sean, you have to pick two thighs, Sean. To go from this arm to this arm. To pick two thighs.
This one all the way to the right. This one and this one.
Point to somebody who you don't know. This guy with the front row. What's up, dude? Point to an arm. Perfect. Point to somebody you don't know. This girl right here.
How are you? What's your name? Everybody say, what's up, Michelle?
Feel the silkyness. Feel the fibers.
I'm the guest. All right, let me explain what just happened.
So 10 minutes ago, I made a prediction. I had a premonition. I predicted the one time I had a premonition. I had a premonition.
The one time that I knew you. The audience. This is the front row. Which shoes? You're not going to believe it. This is the tie.
Huh?
Come on! This. Come on!
Make them go out.
All right. Pick it up. Alright. Let's take your fingers in it. Nice.
So you guys have seen balloon sculptors before, like circle offering wafer sculptures, okay? You've seen sword swallows, you take like long swords, waist them up, and hmm, swallow, right, okay? What I've done is a breakthrough. I've combined the art of balloon sculpture with the art of sword swallowing.
You guys wanna see? Yeah. Do you wanna see, people? Yeah.
Quite graphic, make sure the music comes on. Brace yourself, balloon sword swallowing. Drum roll, please. It gets bigger.
Easy, sir. All right, here we go. Eight, eight. Yeah, easy, man. All right. All right, here we go.
Ooh. Balloon sword swallowing. Drum roll now. And don't get any ideas about me, okay? This is, let me just play with it, this is an illusion. Okay, now, drum roll now, here we go. So there's that. Wanna see it come back? All right, you guys got like four and a half hours.
I'm like a poodle like you wouldn't believe. My name is Justin Gretel, thank you guys. |
dropout | the_ultimate_dad_joke_duel | Hey guys, have you had a chance to look at the dessert menu? I feel like ice cream. That's funny. You don't look like ice cream. Hi, I'd take any table you like. Hey, thanks. Steven, you think this one will fit in the car?
Honey, what's wrong? Nothing. Sweetie, your hair looks different. I got a haircut. Really? Because it looks like you got them all cut.
This Chachki's ain't big enough for the two of us. Dad, where's the bathroom? I gotta take a pee. Oh, why don't you take two? They're free.
Bowman, Wasserman Schultz. So, how do you two know each other? Mrs. Mark Bowman.
Supposedly funniest dad west of Lakeshore Drive. Cut it out, Dad. I'm hungry. Oh, nice to meet you, hungry. I'm Dad. Come on, Dad.
I'm serious. Serious? I thought you were hungry. Honey, be careful. Don't be a hero. Oh, are you leaving? Do you want a box? No, thanks. I'd rather wrestle. You got the T-bomb? No, that must be a mistake. Let's take one.
That's a rare medium well done. It's the perfect dad joke.
Live by the bun. Die by the bun. I'm dead. I died.
CH2 is a little cooler than your-- Ow! Oh, my God. My eye. Yeah. Alright. Let's get rid of the glasses. |
SaturdayNightLive | fox_friends_cold_open_snl | You're watching Fox and Friends. Welcome to Fox and Friends.
I don't think we're allowed to say that. everybody chill. Well, what a terrible week for the Gop. the Dems are retaining control of the Senate. So what the heck happened to that red wave that people were talking about? Yeah, yeah, who was promising that? Because it couldn't have been us every day. Well, thankfully, there's no way to check, but it definitely didn't happen. And according to everybody, only one man was to blame.
Look at these headlines. Trump-y, Dump-y, and Trump-scurvy are out. And look at this op-ed, Mr. Desantis. will you be my new daddy? Now who wrote that? Eric Trump! Wow, seems like everybody's turning on Trump. Yeah, and per a company-wide email we got this morning, he's dead to us.
Now, nearly every candidate Trump backed lost this week, except for one who's still hanging on by a thread. and she's here with us today. please welcome Carrie Lake. hello there, hi. and greetings from Arizona, where the average age and temperature is 95. Hi Carrie, and thanks for being here during what must be a very stressful time for your campaign. hey, my campaign isn't dead yet, even though my camera filter makes it look like I'm in heaven. Now Carrie, it seemed like this was a race you'd easily win, yet it's been a real nail-biter. you and your opponent are currently neck and neck. that is because the Maricopa County officials are incompetent, and it's my belief that the election is rigged and the result should be thrown out. It sounds like some new numbers are coming in, which has you taking a narrow lead over Katie Hobbs. which is why I have always said, this is a democracy, trust the system, trust the voters. Sorry, I spoke too soon, another batch of votes just came in and you are now losing again. because our system is broken, and it always has been.
I'm sorry, I misread that, you're actually back in the league. But thankfully now it's fixed.
Look, I am 100% confident I'm going to win this election. and I won't stop fighting until every vote is counted, and then some votes are taken away. Because who do Arizonans want leading them? Katie Hobbs, who's hiding in a basement? Or me, Carrie Lake, who lives right here in this beautiful pool of vaseline. And who's out there every single day at Cvs asking black customers if they work here. Well, we are rooting for you, Carrie. we know the votes will go your way. Well, if they don't, I'll burn Arizonans to the ground.
Wow, well, she was nice. Yeah, I hope the Trump Effect doesn't mess with her campaign. hey, you don't think he still watches our show? Well, he's at his daughter's wedding this weekend, so at least we know he won't call in. Hello, it's your favorite President. uh, new phone, who dis? he's just kidding. Hi, Donald. congratulations on Tiffany's wedding. Who?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. it's okay, they're just doing the vows. Okay, great. Well, we were just talking about you. there was that New York Post headline that called you trumpdy dumpty and said you had a great fall. Well, I agree.
I had a great fall. I had a great summer as well. You know, many people are saying I'll have a great winter, but I'm having a great fall, Okay? The leaves are turning red. it's a red wave in terms of tree and with regard to leaf.
We heard that you're blaming both Sean Hannity and Melania for advising you to endorse Dr. Oz. It's true, it's true. Let me tell you, it's very hard being in a fight with your soulmate and also Melania. You know, now all anyone wants to talk about is Rhonda Sanctimonious. I know, I'm surprised. I know that word too, But Rhonda, it's so easy. All right, you said Desantis has the advantage of sunshine. that's right. everyone goes to Florida for the sunshine, But look, I made Rhonda Santis, Okay?
He was going to lose until I sent Fbi agents to go and fix his election. Wait, you just submitted to what? But he's ungrateful and now he's trying to steal my sunshine just like Len. And, you know, Len, they were a one-hit wonder, Okay? kind of like Omc.
And these election results are making us go, How bizarre. How bizarre, How bizarre. we're all hearing that all the time, right? How bizarre. missed it. missed it. Anyway, what are you guys talking about? what are you guys talking about? You see Vablemans? Mr. President, I don't know how to tell you this, but we've moved on. we can't have you on the show anymore. What?
What did I do? was it the insurrection? No. the impeachment? No. blackmailing Ukraine? No. Charlottesville? No. didn't make Wall? no. the murder?
What? getting. it's because you lost. Mr. President, we just don't see a future with you. But you know what? we can still be friends, Okay? So bye-bye now. wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a big announcement November 15th. Hey, don't push me off. I have a big announcement and it's not what you think. I'm running for President again. Oh, God. oh, awkward. But we're finally free. change is on the horizon and I have a pretty good idea we won't be hearing from him again. And he's calling my phone. and mine. mine too. Whoa! Carrie, what are you doing here? You think if I lose, I'm just going to go away?
Not on your life. we'll be back for more! Carrie and Friends. and live from New York, it's Saturday night! Thanks for watching! |
TheOnion | Shelby_Cross_Takes_On_Public_Indecency_By_Videotaping_Teens_Having_Sex_Season_1_Ep_7_on_IFC | This fall, the Onion News Network returns. We have an incoming news blast for you now. Now, let me tell you this little story, people.
I was doing my regular 11 o'clock security sweep around the perimeter of my house when I noticed a couple of young people having intercourse in the front seat of a car out in the street, right in the street. Now, I initially thought about calling the police, but then I said to myself, Elby, how is that going to get the word out there about this problem? So I ran inside and I grabbed my video camera. As you can imagine, I stood in those bushes for over 20 minutes watching these two degenerates grind against each other, and I'm thinking, this behavior is simply unacceptable. Now, if you think this is an isolated incident, you are dead to rights wrong. I have 36 hours of footage to prove it that I have personally collected from sickos just around my own town. For example, I saw perverts having sex in swimming pools clearly visible from the roofs of adjacent buildings on boats that anybody could see with a telescope at night on the beaches where they can easily be watched by anyone hiding behind a fence wearing their night vision goggles. It's simply disgusting. So if you find yourself face to face with two nude sweat-covered people thrusting against one another, I want you to do what Shelby does. You stay right where you are until they've climaxed, and then you walk up to them and you say, if I catch you fooling around in this gazebo, you'll be doing your dirty business in jail.
And then go home and email that footage to me. I will happily put it on my show. I will happily make you an American hero. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_High_Note_A_Tragedy_At_Splendour_A_Heroic_Dad_More_July_29 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin, you've got myself Clancy over all here, we've got Effie Bateman and Wendell Hussey, how are we team? Really good, really good. Big interviews this week, Senator Jackie Lambie, Senator Tammy Tyrrell on Decode, we had Youngblood Effie, one of your favourite artists, Youngblood, came in to talk to us about the life and times of a young rock star in his early 20s coming out of the north of England and we've had some pretty big stories in the Australian news cycle, can you kick us off please Wendell?
Yes well we've got some entertainment news to get into it with and the Neighbours finale has finished on a high note with Dr Karl Kennedy finally getting a threesome with Susan and Izzy. Yes the end of an era, millions of Australians and POMs tuned in this week for an emotional 90 minute Neighbours finale as an Aussie TV institution finally wrapped up some of their most long awaited plot closures. So after 37 years of car accidents, love triangles, teenagers going off the rails and old people getting towy, Erin Sprah hosted the ultimate reunion of past characters. And it was the ultimate plotline to wrap up with, as the famous cheater Dr Karl Kennedy finally tied the knot on one of the biggest scandals in television history. Ten years after cheating on his wife Susan, Dr Karl Kennedy was this week busted making tender love with his former fling Izzy in the GP's practice once again. And fans understandably were expecting some major fireworks to finish a show, however they didn't get what they expected Clancy. No in true soap opera fashion fans were treated to a massive curveball when Susan actually took part in what has been described as the sweatiest and most passionate three way fuckfest in TV history.
Yeah well it certainly was something to behold and as Dr Karl said to finish up lying there with his two friends. Having a cigarette. Yeah he said now this is what I call a final reunion.
And some more national news now and popular music festival Splendour in the Grass has made headlines this week for all sorts of reasons. One of the biggest stories from the festival was the horrifying report from Ground Zero with a Splendour man screaming in panic after dropping his brand new blueberry ice pile vape in the mud.
Yes it's as chilling as it sounds. The picture of the man in question puts a shiver down your spine.
Now if you haven't seen the news this week, the first day of Australia's biggest music festival Splendour in the Grass was cancelled after torrential rain caused the North Byron Parkland site to turn into a mud bath. Yeah and look obviously plenty of people who were still there tried to have as much fun as they could on that Friday and witnesses say this Splendour man he was walking through the festival site when a passer by accidentally bumped him and flung his vape into the path of an ongoing four wheel motorbike. It then disappeared under the machine and couldn't be seen on the ground after the motorbike passed. When it was a brand new one he apparently started screaming before diving into the mud and trying to fish out the blueberry goodness somewhere in the murky depths below. Yeah horrifying stuff, eventually his friends pulled him out and had to drag him back to the campground for a wash but no luck finding that vape in the end.
In town now and a new father is expecting some kind of brownie points for babysitting his own child. Yeah there were quite a lot of comments on this story online somewhat understandably. It was written after Batutah Heights man Aaron Von Arkel contacted our newspaper with a complaint about his wife's expectations of him. Apparently the new father was frustrated that his wife and I quote him here, wouldn't let him go out for a spontaneous session with his mates. Yes Aaron apparently thought he was owed a blowout with the boys after looking after his own child for a few hours during the day. As his wife said and I quote here, here's your son just because you looked after him for six hours doesn't mean you now owed six hours of free time. We had a comment there from Rick Bailey he said my favourites are the looks of dad of the year you get when old ducks see you out with your kids solo. Yes it seems like older women are very much complicit in this attitude that young fathers have which leaves them thinking the bare minimum equals extreme parenting.
Yes times certainly are changing and staying on the topic of changing times. We've got our sporting story of the week. It's been one dominated by a certain rugby league team. The headline on our big story reads like this. Manly players to celebrate night off the footy with a pokey session followed up by some coked up group sex. Yes our second group sex story for this bulletin. We haven't had confirmation about the goings-on on Thursday night but it was alleged to the advocate that a number of players with plenty of time on their hands were going to celebrate their night off from football with some revered rugby league traditions. Quite the night they reportedly had planned. A few beers and some pokies down at the Mammoth RSL they have on the northern beaches there followed by some kick-ons and a mates place with some extracurriculars that definitely are prescribed in the holy scriptures. Yeah I believe they describe it as blowing off some steam apparently. Thou shalt blow off steam and good on him it was a well-handled bin fire this week by the NRL and I expect we can you know we can hope to see a bit more of this kind of drama next year we can have all of those odd codgers on Fox Sports complaining about the PC police and the woke left and yada yada yada yada yada the show goes on the culture wars continue thank you for tuning in to the weekly Batutah bulletin.
It's been a big week in news see you later. See you later. |
cracked | the_avengers_age_of_ultron_hot_take_new_guy_weekly | Hi, YouTube, this is Alex with the Ultron Met. Way too many of you have seen the Avengers Age of Ultron for cracks not to give you a hot take.
So here it comes. Of course, way too many of you have not seen it and hot takes tend to have spoilers and spoilers on the internet or akin to a turd in a punch bowl. So, uh... So here it comes. Uh, this.
This might be the Avengers movie yet. Joss Whedon. Every scene and...
But whatever, it's a... In the dick. I mean, I can't... Greedy glasses slashed my retina to smithereens, but it was fine because... A lawsuit.
Shit!
Thanks for already subscribing to this channel. I'm doing stand-up on Thursday in Chicago. It's me and Adam Todd Brown and other comics. Tickets and details are at Twitter.com slash un-pops. Thank you to people like Julia Porter and Paul Plath and others who've written in at newguyweeklygmail.com. It's great to meet them online, and I'm hoping to meet you in person in Chicago on Thursday when we can stick our faces in pizza. |
dropout | Presidential_Campaigns_Are_So_OBSESSED_With_Me | That's how and why I beat Shaq.
Oh my god, I have to sort through all these insane letters. Whoa, are these love letters? No, Lily, they are not love letters. They are obsession emails from an old man pleading with an old man. It's like he specifically infatuated with only me.
Katie, please. Katie, it's never over. Katie, I'll never stop fighting for you. Katie, who is this guy?
Should we be worried? Yeah, I think you should be worried if you're good friends. I'm not going to sugarcoat it.
His name is Connor and he works at ourrevolution.com. In this love letter, he keeps talking about fighting the billionaire class? Yep. It's like he's super obsessed with me and he won't leave me alone. Yeah, he must like you because there's like, what, 50 emails here? Wait, Katie, these are Bernie Sanders' campaign emails. No, they are obviously letters from someone who is super obsessed with me. Have you never gotten a desperate email from a political candidate?
Okay, don't rub it in, Christine. Katie, your support is crucial at this time. I know you'll do the right thing when the time comes. I hope I can continue counting on special and amazing people like you. Okay, no one who actually met Katie would ever say that. They're just saying nice things to get you on their side. I'm going to ignore that little rude comment. I mean this in the nicest way possible.
No one has ever loved you. This man emailed me three times in one day.
Katie, I need you. Katie, there's still time. Katie, together we can take on the world.
Nobody says your name that many times except for lovers and parents. Is he a parent? Let me check. No, he's not Jody or Joseph Merovitch. He's closed. That's a lover.
But these are mass emails that go out to everyone involved in the campaign. These people don't actually care about you.
Really? Oh, really? Yes. Really? Yeah. Oh, really? Yes. Really? Yes.
Then explain this. Katie, we are on our journey to reclaim our country. Ahem. Look at all those we's and ours. This man practically already rented a U-Haul. You guys are insane. Nobody is obsessed with you. Everybody gets these emails and I need you. Oh, sorry. One second. Oh, it's my boyfriend. He's asking me to return the books I've borrowed or else I get a 35 cents per day fee. Ew. It's like, I know you're just using that as an excuse to see me again, Los Angeles Public Library. Tell me about it. These boys are obsessed. Hey, it's Jess.
If you like College Humor and to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a quirky pair of socks that show off your fun side per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and exclusive content like the latest episodes of the Erotic Book Club Podcast. There's this scene where she eats a cantaloupe and it gets you.
It's hot. It's really hot.
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial. That was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. Buy land, I guess. Oh, God. |
cracked | 5_mistakes_everyone_makes_while_christmas_shopping_happy_black_friday | If the TV man is to be believed, then Christmas season is the time to envelop yourself in a warm familial embrace and slowly drift into a pink cloud of day-drinking. But the TV man is a fucking liar, because at the end of the day, the only thing that matters about you this December is what expensive gifts you can buy for the squealingest members of your family.
And if you fuck that up, no one will care when you die. Here's how you'll fuck it up.
It's tempting to put Christmas shopping on a list of stuff you can just take care of, like fixing your garbage disposal or earning your cat's respect again. But this is not how it works. You are not good at Christmas shopping. Just going to different stores and dealing with all the bright colors and shiny lights frightens and confuses you. The prospect of dealing with multiple different salespeople in one day exhausts you.
Also, you don't own a car, so you're going to have to take mass transit through Los Angeles so it gets really hot and you get uncomfortable and sweaty and feel gross. So let's say, hypothetically, that you find yourself in an expensive post-modern furniture store. What the hell are you doing there? Find the exit as soon as possible. And don't sit down in one of those fancy chairs, because just getting your wallet that close to the price tag will make your debit card wet itself in fear and your bank activate the overdraft fee as a crude defense mechanism. Anyway, it's nighttime now because you've been drooling into expensive furniture for the past four hours.
But if you hurry, you can still make it to the electronics store and buy your dad a fancy gadget that you can spend the entire Christmas season teaching him how to use. If you're like me, and I know you are because that's the device I'm using in this video, you don't go shopping very much. Because shopping's a chick thing, and you're too busy doing man stuff like pretending you know how cars work and shooting your cat with a Nerf gun. But you still got to shop, because everybody got to shop. So you're going to use this opportunity to pick up some stuff for yourself.
Like this fancy alien toy. $45, can you believe it? Look at the fancy alien toy. He'll never leave you, even if you shoot him with a Nerf gun.
And hey, a bed bath and beyond. You should go there and pick up some new pillows. How often are you supposed to pick up new pillows?
Really? Why? Jesus.
Buy some new pillows. When you get home, burn your old pillows. In fact, buy some rubber gloves, because you're going to handle those pillows. You're going to touch them. You don't want to touch those pillows based on what you just learned today.
Anyway, that gift for your dad. If you rush, you can still make it the best buy, and it's close. You can go to Radio Shack, if you want. That's a joke. You don't go to Radio Shack.
Friends are great. Their presence makes responsibilities more fun.
But shopping for Christmas gifts is not a responsibility. It's not even a task.
It's a curse, and one you have to bear alone. Having someone around who's better than you at what you're trying to do depresses you. It makes you full of emotions you don't quite understand.
Let's say you find a hat that lights up, and there's a little switch on the back, so it's flashing different colors. That's a cool gift for your brother, because it's like a gag, and it's funny. But then your shopping partner, she finds something for her sibling that's less sweet, and it's more expensive, so it's better. It means something emotionally, and then your gift looks like a piece of shit, especially when it's next to your new alien toy, which costs four times as much as the gifts that you bought for your family members.
And then you just feel like an asshole. But you know what? That's okay, right? Because it's the thought that counts. You thought the thought counted once. Didn't. Turns out you can't gift wrap a thought. All that happened is that your little cousin started to cry, because he had gotten so excited to open up a box that turned out to be empty. And your aunt called you a pretentious douchebag, who isn't as funny as he thinks he is, and needs to grow up and get a real job already. Because at the end of the day, the holiday season is about stuff. But that's okay. You know why?
Did you know that the color red will send you into an uncontrollable shopping frenzy? And that's why all Christmas decorations were red? And did you know that in 1941, FDR changed the date of Thanksgiving, thereby changing the date of Black Friday specifically to increase the amount of time we had to spend on gifts before Christmas? Everything about the holiday season is a carefully crafted marketing toy to trick you into buying stuff. And did you know that everything I just said doesn't matter at all, because the holiday season is still about the same thing it was about before you knew all that? If you're one of the lucky Americans who's being manipulated into time off to spend with their family and having to buy some gifts, then who fucking cares? Let the marketing gremlins work their black magic on your withered soul.
It's fine. Go spend time with your family.
Because at the end of the day, doing what a corporation wants and liking it... No, that's not how I want to put it. Not doing what the corporation wants is just as... I forget what my fucking point is. Doing the opposite of what the advertisements want you to do just because they're telling you to do them is just as much... You're being manipulated just as much... You're manipulated either way. So just do what you want. Because doing what you want, no matter what corporations think, is punk rock as hell.
Happy Black Friday.
Hey guys, thanks for watching the video you presumably watched unless you just skipped the end to watch the end plates like I do. Because I really just super love the end plates. So if you're like me and you just watched the end plates, welcome to yet another amazing cracked YouTube. Please subscribe to our channel, End Plate. Alright, it seems like we're coming to the end of the end plate, but I hope you enjoyed this episode of... Cracked End Plates. |
cracked | why_the_planeteers_should_never_get_high_cracked_cut_ups | I am the one who knocks. Situation is more than we can handle. We need help. We must do as a guy advised. We must combine our powers. Let's do it! Let our powers combine.
Let's get out of here. Fire! Move! Watch out! Let's get out of here. Watch out!
An expired bag of cheese.
Work with a smiley face drawn on it. Little bit. Ah, come back to me.
The n-word! Chocolate brain! Steven Soderbergh! Shark cop! Marmaduke!
DVD box set! But one of the discs is missing.
Cocaine! Pollution!
Strangely enough. The idea of racism.
On your powers combined, I AM CAPTAIN DINIT! I AM CAPTAIN DINIT!
Awesome. Uh, hey, we're doing these again. Um, I'm Soren. Thank you for subscribing if you haven't subscribed already. Although if you haven't, I can't possibly believe why not. We've done like a thousand of these things, and yet we still have to keep doing them.
I don't know what to give you. I don't know what you, what you want.
Take anything. Take, take, take my shirt. Take my shoes.
I don't, I don't care anymore.
All right? You, you wanted this? You got it! All right? All right. Are we happy now?
Can we all subscribe, please? Situation is more than we can handle. We need help. We must do as a guy at Advise. We must combine our powers. Let's do it! Let our powers combine. It's careful.
Fire! What? Uh.
Heart! Spoons! Also heart!
Cyclops. Megatron. Hydrogen. Gun. Electricity. Fire! Earnestness.
Dolphin Vint. Go eat a onion. Shark Cop.
Power of Groots sex. Frito Lay's. Wet Naps.
An expired bag of cheese. Hurry with a smiley face drawn on it.
Awesome Uh, hey, we're doing these again Um, I'm Soren, thank you for subscribing if you haven't subscribed already Although if you haven't, I can't possibly believe why not We've done like a thousand of these things And yet, we still have to keep doing them I don't know what to give you I don't know what you want Take anything, take, take, take my shirt Take my shoes I don't, I don't care anymore Alright, alright You, you wanted this You got it, alright Alright, are we happy now? Can we all subscribe please? |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.