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dropout | an_interview_with_nick_kroll | Nick, how are you doing today? I'm good. Thanks for having me. People have seen you before in dramas. You did a lot of soap operas, but now you're bridging the gap to comedy. How's that feel? No, I have actually never done any soap operas. I mean, I did. Look, I'm going to be honest. Some of these I didn't cross-check with. This one's a good one. Growing up as a child star, that's got to be something that's kind of been with you a lot, right? I just was on IMDB, and I guess... I had a bunch of tabs open, you know, when you... You're doing great so far, by the way. Thank you. There's one website that has a pretty good summation of what I've done, and that's nickkroll.com. I was probably going to, like, a dot TV.
Maybe you're going to Rick Kroll. Maybe that's the problem. Rick Kroll. You started that, right? The whole Rick Kroll thing on the internet? That's Rick Roll.
It's not even, yeah, it's not even. Like, for a viewer who's not ready to view this show, what can you expect? Like, a guy who didn't know that... I think a guy who was interviewing someone who didn't know anything about him.
Maybe he just, like, did a quick Google search. Quick Google search.
There's a bunch of characters that I've been developing over the years that'll be on the show, like Fabrice Fabrice, El Chupacabra, Bobby Bottle Service, and then a bunch of new characters and stories and sketches that I do. One thing called Publicity, where I play a publicist named Liz. Andy Milanakis is on the show. Fred Armisen is on the show. Maria Bamford, Hannibal Burris, J.B. Smoove.
So you brought all them to New Zealand? Because that's an expensive trip, but it's worth it for the scenery. No, we didn't shoot this in New Zealand. We shot it in L.A. Yeah, I know.
I thought the same thing. There's this Hobbit board that I've been on. You're getting better and better at this. Do you go online alone? I love online. It's my favorite place. A lot of the characters that I do were developed on the internet. Would you call this an internet show that got a chance? I would call this interview an internet show that has gotten a chance.
I think what's a little different about the sketch shows is that you've got characters, but then they recur throughout the season. So it's almost like you're watching mini-series of shows. So if you like a character like the Rich Dicks, me and John Daly play these characters, and they come back throughout the season. So you kind of keep growing with them. How many episodes are you guys doing? We did eight episodes in season one.
That's a movie and a half. Troll Show could be a movie. Yeah, like Truman Show. Exactly. But Troll.
Do you ever do Jim Carrey stuff in the show? I do Jim Carrey. Like half of the show is Jim Carrey impressions.
That makes sense. This has been pretty informative today, right? I think from the amount of information you had to start to what you have now, it's been incredibly informative. You did such a good job of this interview. Maybe you want to just take over Troll Show season two.
You heard it here. You did it. You heard it here first.
What was that last language? Was that Portuguese? Yeah, I thought we... You don't speak Portuguese? I don't, but I have a huge Portuguese following.
Will you put a logo on the screen? I assume they'll put a logo on the screen.
You have to ask. You have to ask now? Well, thank you for asking. |
dropout | dinosaur_office | Dinosaur office, RAWR! Hey Craig, how was your weekend? I was going to plant azaleas, but the soil was too damp. I went to the hardware store instead, just to browse. I'm surprised you had that much free time.
I was here all weekend finishing my quarterly report. Oh no, the quarterly report.
I totally blanked. Terry is going to kill me. Hey Craig, I noticed that your report was absent from my desk this morning. Hi Todd, how are you? I can't complain. Craig, do you have any idea what could have happened with that? I'm so sorry Terry. It slipped my mind.
I've been so busy with the Q2. Well, I know you've been working hard lately.
Just get those reports to me as soon as you can. I will get them to you by the end of the day. That sounds great. Hey, do you guys want to grab an early lunch?
Oh, no can do Terry. I brought leftovers. My wife made too much lentil loaf.
I'm trying to lose weight now, so I can put it back on when I go on vacation. Alrighty then, I guess I'll just grab something around here. Hey, do you want me to print this out or send it via email? Hmm, maybe both, just to be safe. |
CrackerMilk | we_re_being_censored_ | Oh hey, do you want to go out for dinner tonight? I found this local pizza restaurant that has the best cheese from this French region from under. From under? Yeah, from under these nuts!
fuck you Connor. What the fuck? I'm just fucking trying to call your c*** head fucking shit mouth curly fucking c***. Uh, go fuck yourself. I can't tell you to go fuck yourself!
You're doing the bleeping thing too! We're being censored!
Guys, guys, my c*** is gone! I can't see my d***! Oh! I can't find my d***! It's gone! I can't see your massive c*** that's famous for being massive!
What the fuck? Aaaah! fuck!
My c*** is missing! My c*** is gone too!
We've got to figure this out! No, we've got to figure out this! Oh no! We've got to figure that out! We definitely have to figure that out!
What the fuck is that? Has it always... Connor! You guys see my d***? Hey guys, thanks for watching the video. If you want to help us, you can support us on Patreon, where we deliver a lot of different content. And sorry for Emily, we apologise for Emily. Have they got their clothes in yet? Yeah. |
cracked | stand_up_comedy_pro_tips_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a comedy I am in an actual stand-up comedy green room because I am about to do Adam Todd Brown's unpopular opinion stand-up comedy show But stand-up doesn't happen in comedy green rooms. It happens on these hard streets So here's all the stand-up advice you'll ever need to make it online or offline on these hard streets If I lose a couple homies then so be it Communism only work for the Soviet and I'm a first tip You know those pictures of comedians on the internet where the text of their joke is on the picture make that of yourself It gets your joke off stage and online Next tip a lot of people will tell you to go to open mics to work on your material I say work on those pictures of you on the internet It'll make it easier for you to go on stage later when you're not busy You're totally gonna go on stage Definitely next tip on these hard streets other comedians will get jealous and if people are saying you're not funny Or if you're not putting in the work or even claiming that you're stealing jokes Well brother nobody unsuccessful ever had haters next tip sometimes on these hard streets You get bumped off a show getting bumped off a show means you don't get to be on it at the last minute or Weeks in advance but with an angry email from Keith point is keep your head up next tip What is intellectual property? Anyway, what is it? I don't know next tip Shakespeare totally borrowed from other people and he's like the greatest comedian So next tip is for Keith dude. I already blocked you on Twitter Okay, agree to disagree agree to disagree agree to disagree agree to disagree next tip everybody please downvote Keith's comments, okay You'll know which Keith You know what downvote every Keith guys. Those are my tips Thank you so much for watching be sure to email me at new guy weekly at gmail.com and if I may close with a joke Say good night Gracie Wait, that's what this that's what this list says. That's what the list says is a good closing joke How is that how would that be good? How is that? It's taken from the list of jokes. I wrote crap Thank you for already subscribing to this channel very lucky to feature the music of Houston zone oni latin this week She was nice enough to offer and she has a great mixtape up at oni latin dot band camp calm I'm a goober, but she's legit Please check it out other news and of his next live shows at Westside comedy in Santa Monica May 5th and Cracked is running. Maybe the most epic sketch. We've ever shot on the site on Monday |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Tony_Armstrong_2x_Logie_Award_Winning_Presenter_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | This is The Last Video Store, a sacred bastion of culture, film, movies, and cinema. My name is Alexi Choleopoulos and I am the guardian of this sacred realm. And it is my duty to connect people with the films they love. Our new member of The Last Video Store signing up today is a true Renaissance man, Tony Armstrong.
You know Tony Armstrong from ABC News Breakfast. He's a wicked sports player back in the day. And yeah, that's the term that I use. Sports player, AFL star for the Sydney Swans. But let me tell you this. Tony Armstrong is like one of the most exciting guys I've ever met. My dear close personal friend.
Because he is doing so much cool stuff at the moment. Working on so many cool things. Writing, doing like so many unexpected things that are so exciting. And one of the most extraordinary things he's doing is a factual series.
You know I love documentaries. You know I love factual stuff.
And his new show, Tony Armstrong's Extraordinary Things, premieres on ABC very soon. It's launching in May. We want to get this out there to start building and teasing your hype for his foray into the world of factual documentaries. We'll talk about a little bit more on the show today. But until then, let me tell you this. The new member combo that Tony is going to get. I am going to sign him up to the store. He's going to get out a new release film.
It's any film from like the last five or so years. Then I'm going to give him two weekly picks. Those are two of his favorite films of all time. And a bespoke customized recommendation based on his taste. And as a little bonus, because you're about to see this.
We're in the back room. We had to do some renovations of the store.
There was a leak. A torrential rain sought upon us here in Batuda. El Nino, La Nina. They joined forces and they crashed us with rain. We had a leak. We had a freaking leak and I had to clean up all the DVDs.
So we had to take him into the back room. And because of that, because he got that back room treatment, baby.
I'm giving him an extra weekly as a thank you, as an apology. The guy is going to have three freaking weeklies. Maybe that's going to be tough of me to put together. I like a perfect recommendation, but you know, I'm confident. I got a good idea of what this guy likes.
So let's get into the show with Tony Armstrong. Well, well, well, look who has rocked up to the last video store. But my dear old buddy, Tony Armstrong.
It is so nice to be here. And I've got to say, I love what you've done with the place. Oh, absolutely. We're in the back room. Oh, the back room. Yes, you know, where you find clerks. Exactly.
This is my nightmare.
This room, the back room is where we keep all the disks. All the cases are out there on the floor. But here this is where the real magic happens. The films each disk contains at least one beautiful film. So many memories, so many dreams contained on these reflective surfaces hidden away in their little sleeves. Each one a lucky dip with a corresponding number written on each case. So here you are in the Sarah Bellum on the video store, my friend. The heart, the soul, the mind.
What am I even supposed to say to that? Oh, it's a pleasure to be here, man. That's exactly what I'm saying. Well, it's a pleasure to have you here, my friend. Uh, you know, I know that you're in town. You're working on little things in Batutawe at the moment. Yes, I am.
I'm going to sign you up to the video store. Presumably while you're here, you want to watch a couple of movies? Mate, always. There's always time to watch a flick.
And you know, Batutawe've got no fricking internet.
That's why I'm here. I had to become here and do my duty. It's my mission on earth to serve those people, to help people connect with the movies that they love. And this is my final outpost, my final resting place.
Is this it? Is this where you shoulder arms and that's it? You're done.
I've retired here. Oh my God. My dream come true to retire with my many disks.
What do you do after hours? Well, I watch the movies. That's a really dumb question on my behalf.
And there's a certain beaded section around here where I will take many assertions, a beaded section of the store, but a lovely beaded curtain. But I'm going to sign you up to the store. All I need is a single piece of identification from you. And it's coming up on my system right away. I've got a wonderful announcement.
Oh wow. ABC up front, the press releases out. Tony Armstrong's Extraordinary Things. Yes.
And you're here in Batuda filming an episode. Yes, we have just been here in Batuda shooting an episode. We just got it all in the can here. So we headed down to the pub to talk all about the Batuda pub.
This series that you're working now, it's like a great docu-series where you find interesting objects. Yeah, Extraordinary Things where I guess... Interesting Objects is the working title. Yeah, we left that on the floor for a reason. So Extraordinary Things, I guess, can look like anything. They don't necessarily have to be Kathy Freeman's gold medal, although that is extraordinary. I would say it's quite extraordinary.
It could be a phone case. It could be a lapel. It could be a briefcase. It could be literally anything because it's less about...
I can't wait for the lapel episode of this show. I mean, it goes off and on and off again.
But I guess it's more about the stories that they unlock. And the show has been a great way for me to, I guess, connect with a lot of people right across the country and have them tell their stories. And I guess what I learned through the shooting of the show, everyone's got something amazing to tell. Everyone's got an amazing story to tell.
And it can be unlocked through the simplest of objects. And yeah, so that show will come out sometime in May. So very, very excited for that. And yeah, just a thrill to come here to Leafy Petuda. I guess no one's called it Leafy. So I'm just having a crack at bringing that in.
Well, we've got the tree out front. Yeah, the tree.
And it's looking not great. Not good.
We will have to kind of make a little manure for it to start thriving again. I was thinking water it, but sure. Hey, it needs a lot more help than that. Go down the manure path.
That's fine. So I find the show so interesting because it's like, I like the idea of taking these physical things and finding the connections that we have with them. And any of those stories that you're like particularly excited about or excited to expose to the population of Australia. After all, it's mandatory viewing. Everyone has to watch the show. Yeah, and watch it. All right.
So we got to have a chat to a young Indigenous rapper from WA. His name's Inkaby. I'm not sure if you remember last year at a mutual friend of ours back in Sydney, Ben Johnson.
His pum, the Lord Gladstone. The Gladie.
Chance the rapper played there. And Inkaby played on stage with Chance the rapper. He rapped with him.
Anyway, we got to have a chat to him. He's only 11 at the time of filming. And we got to have a look at his notebook where he writes his raps. And basically, the thing that he kick-started his own journey and his own, I guess, walk down this path that he finds himself on now.
I cannot wait for people to see that part of the show because, yeah, we're looking at a future leader, not just in, I guess, the entertainment space, but from an Aboriginal point of view, he's going to be a real leader of our people. And it's nice to get in at the ground floor and just have a yarn to him. Yeah, I just cannot wait. People are going to love him. But it's all sorts of things. People are going to love it, I think.
So yeah, make sure you have a look in May. So a couple of months now. Couple of months.
Or who knows? Maybe this episode will force them to release the series. Now. To get on the heat of everyone talking about it. Well, they're going to be talking about it after this, that's for sure.
Absolutely, abso-tutely, and abso-rootly. Oh, abso-pah-too-dee-lee. Oh, damn it. I should have said that one. Ab-pah-too-dee-lee. All right, Tony, I'm going to send you out into the store.
You've got the beautiful new members rental combo. One new release, three weeklies. For you, it's going to be three weeklies. Three weeklies?
And then I'm going to give you a bespoke, customized recommendation based on your picks. A staff pick, an Alexi choice, if you will. Oh, gee whiz. That is much sought after. You don't even give these choices to me outside the world of this podcast. I very highly have them out like, dude, this would be content one day. I'm saving it for that. So you've got a choice of basically any movie ever. Go on out there, pick your flicks, come on back, we'll talk about it.
Okay, great. New release. Okay, we're here with your new release. And this is a spicy one.
Yeah, look, I'm actually not sure how I found it in the new release section. I'm not sure if it falls within the last five years. I didn't...
It just makes the cut.
2019. Thank goodness. And by my math, that's five years. So we would be very stiff if it was released in, you know, January 11, 2020.
But this is a film I absolutely love. This is Bong Joon-ho's instant classic parasite. And I've got to say, what I loved about this film was the sheer creativity to come up with a storyline like this.
The gumption of our protagonist family, I guess. The sheer audacity of them to try to pull off what they're trying to pull off. And then stylistically, you're looking at this thing and you're going, every single shot is like, it could be in the photograph of the year, as a still. And then, I guess, the style. I think we all fell in love with Korean style for a little while after this film came out. Everyone was running the kind of straight leg, kind of billowy pants. A little bit more, you know, maybe a little bit more boxy tops as well. And then it was hilarious.
You know, we're touching on some really dark stuff. We're talking about people who are completely overtaking other people's identity. They are, by hook or by crook, sneaking their way into people's houses, stealing their trust. And then at the end of it, it turns into a slasher. Like, what the hell?
I think that's what's so exciting about it, right? Because it's like this mix of tensions, tones, a few different genres kind of blended together. And Bong Joon Ho has kind of always done that. I think he's a director that really understands genre, and genre as a means to communicate to people. I think that's what really excites me about this.
I still remember seeing Parasite for the first time. It would have been just after its premiere at the Sydney Film Festival. It played really big here. I think it was... Did you see it at the festival? No, at the screening just after. So it'd been just a little bit of buzz around it. It had just played Khan as well. And I remember seeing it in this screening, just going by myself, had a couple of friends that were there.
And it was on my radar, but I kind of was not... I didn't have a knowing what it was going to be. You weren't... I wasn't primed.
Yeah, yeah. So like on your radar, but not like, I've got to see it. Yeah. I've got like... I'm going to drop like... I've been hearing it's good, so I need to see it. But not like... I didn't know what I was about to experience. Yeah. Oh, man.
And I remember just turning to my friend who was next to me after and going like, holy shit, like this is big, right? This feels like it's going to be big.
And Bong Joon Ho, he'd already made like Memories of Murder, was kind of like a popular breakthrough film for him. At that point, already Snowpiercer had been his kind of way, breaking into like a bigger... Audience. Yeah, bigger audience, American filmmaking. But I think Parasite kind of really returns to his... Not just like location wise, but to his Korean filmmaking roots of like... Korean filmmaking had like a great new wave in that 2000s period, between like Bong Joon Ho, Park Chan-wook, making independent films that have like this undercurrent of something through them.
Like there's an excitement, there's a tension, there's a genre to them. And I think Parasite, the way that it kind of delights in comedy, while then using that as a way to like leverage a tragedy that comes on. Oh man, like I remember when it's revealed to you that there is like life under the house. And you're just like, whoa! It's like feels like a genuine twist. It's like this is a wrinkle I didn't see coming. But it makes sense. And it feels so powerful like in the connective tissue when it comes to the themes of like... You know, I love movies where you can just go the title and then go, who is the real Parasite?
One hundred percent. And I suppose if you were to put all these things on paper and say them all without having watched the film, you go, well, there's no way that I'm actually going to believe that. There's no way that this film is going to keep me... is going to be able to do that in a manner that's grounded enough.
Because that that's like batshit crazy, right? It is that is off its head, but then you watch it and at no point are you going, oh, that's broken. It never feels untethered from the reality. That's broken the world. He never breaks the world. It's yet again, like... The only time it broke the world was when that film went all the way to win Best Picture at the Oscars.
I mean, how good. What a great journey. You never see a journey like that, especially it's one of the very few international and foreign language films to take out that award. Off the top of my head, I can't think of another one straight away. So I'll put it in post.
Crouching, Crouching Tiger. Sorry, not Crouching Tiger.
That did get all the way to the nomination. Oh, there we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I think it might have also been one that didn't... I might have only read this today. I think it might have also been one that only got that didn't have any actor noms.
Yeah, that's true. It didn't have any acting nominations. No acting noms, but got the Best Picture noms. Yeah, and that's...
I think it shows that I think there's a willingness now for people to want to explore international cinema, to want to explore foreign language films. I think Parasite was such a groundbreaking film for a new generation of people to embrace Korean cinema. Well, I think a lot of people, me being one of them, went back and revisited a new boy.
Old boy. Old boy, sorry. Yeah, yeah, old boy.
Went back and revisited that. Yeah. And then watched it with a newfound appreciation for just how good it was as like the ultimate revenge flick, right? One of my very favorite movies, man. The ultimate revenge flick. And I was also probably a bit young when I first watched it. Yeah. Might've watched that sort of... It can warp your brain, that one. Might've watched it in between being on a phone or something. But then after watching Parasite and having watched Parasite in the cinema, then I was like, okay, I'm gonna do it properly. All I hear about is how good this is. Yeah. I remember having watched it and being like, and then I was like, whoa. And I think we saw, there was that.
And then what was that Netflix show that came out in... Oh, Squid Game. And Squid Game going so big is definitely part of that narrative, part of the world changing. I think because then we saw a lot of, I guess, those Korean narrative shows come through that Netflix funnel because there was a huge appetite for them.
And I think not just that, like thinking about cinema as a worldwide form or even just like visual media now, I think Parasite kind of kicks off a new cycle of films and TV shows that deal with class in a way like this. I don't think without Parasite, I don't think we have a salt burn the way that we have it. And then you've got White Lotus coming not too soon after it. You start seeing those films that are dealing with class and the disparity between the classes and that as like a friction point between them all. I think Parasite really kicks that off. Yeah, I mean, far out. It's interesting you put salt burn and Parasite in the same bracket because they actually are. I'd never considered it like that, but God, no disrespect to salt burn, which I really enjoyed. But I mean, Parasite's one out of the box, man. Hard to match up against Parasite and come away a winner. And that's why I think it's such a great pick.
We're going to get into the weeklies. Before I do, I've got to ask you one more question before I finish signing you up. I'm excited. Have you ever been a member of another video store before? Because you're going to have to swear your allegiance to us, brother. Hey, look, I am in the cult. Consider me signed up.
Now, I was pretty young when I left Sydney. Um, so I left Sydney with Mum when I was, and this is Western Sydney, when I was, I'm going to say 11.
Yeah. So I just remember. At 11, you're just getting your own taste as well. I reckon just starting to build it. Just right.
And I reckon it was Fairfield Video Easy. Video Easy. Video Easy in Fairfield.
And now I obviously couldn't be a member because I was, I was too young. I mean, it would have been out. It was like a Medicare card.
We are the second. I know. Yeah, I'm number two. Yeah.
But, um, man, it used to be so fun. And like, I think that is, I think, I think that is actually one, one thing. And this is going to like, make me sound like they don't know what they're missing. But I think there was truly something about the ritual. On a Friday night.
Absolutely. The ceremony of it all. Exactly. Right.
And, and, um, you look at, you know, so many things about mental health and all that kind of stuff about doing what, like having, having ritual, having ceremony, whatever it may be, you know, going for your morning coffee, going and doing this. And I remember we'd go every Friday night. My mom was a school teacher as well. So Friday night after school, we'd go down in the Video Easy and you'd just be walking through it, you know? And depending on what time you got there, there might, like all, like the, you know, the big movie of the time was probably gone. It was, you know, like you had to kind of get there.
The spot's empty.
Yeah. You're looking for the tape behind it. Yeah. And all you see is, um, is like the cover. You're like, oh no. And they'd always have like three or four of them. Yeah. And you're like, God, someone's going to hit one somewhere. And then you'd always go up the front and ask, oh, any of them that you haven't put out yet? Oh, I know. And, and like, that wouldn't happen here at Petuda Videos. You'd be straight on that, straight on that. A million copies. I know that. That's because you've got all of the ones that are obsolete. But did you ever go exploring through the shop? Oh man, see, this is the thing. And you would, right?
Cause I, cause you know, you might, you might have a, have a deal, not dissimilar to the one that I'm partaking in right now, um, where you might get, you might walk away with four films. And of course, mum, mum being the benevolent mother that she was, she would only, she would only want to choose one for herself and give me three. And you know, you might, you might let the legs, the little, the little, the little getaway sticks go for a bit of a walk around the store.
And I'll never forget, there was this film and there was this superhero called Spawn. Now Spawn, dude, I don't know if you remember, I'm looking at your nodding right now. Oh man, I'm nodding big time. I feel like this is like a shared memory between us.
Oh my God, dude. Okay. Like, do you, do you remember? I remember the cover. The cover, right? It's like that big green glowing eye. The glowing eyes and like, just the, the faint outline of the skull, right? Yeah. And you're like, holy shit, this is devilish. And then if you flipped it, it had him on the, do you remember? On the, um, on like the- His cresting. Oh my gosh. Right.
And I was like, I wanted to watch that movie for so long, man. I'm talking probably two and a half years. I would like, eye it off, eye it off, eye it off.
Were you trepidatious? Were you scared?
Well, I think I was like, oh my God, he looks so cool. He's a superhero, man. I think it was DC. I think he's part of the DC universe.
I can't confirm that. Let me look it up because I'll tell you this. I went through a similar thing where I had a mini Spawn obsession.
I never saw the movie. I never read the book.
Have you seen it? Never. Never since. Okay.
Because I was always scared of him.
Can we pinky promise? We're watching that together, brother. Absolutely. Stamp it. Yeah. Nice. Spawn.
Have you ever seen it? I haven't seen it either. We've both not seen Spawn.
I know. It was like a big part of us. I know. And like my access to Spawn right now would be quite easy. I think. Oh yeah. It's a couple of, it's a couple of taps. Oh, sorry. It's a couple of keystrokes, but yeah, I remember, I remember always wanting, wanting to hire that, but never having the gumption to ask mum. And the, and the other thing that I think.
Spawn is Image Comics. Image Comics. It's not DC or Marvel.
Oh.
The twist we never saw coming. Never saw that coming.
Yeah, we're big in the image now. Um, the, the, the, the other thing that upon reflection is so funny.
I think every single family in Australia had a DVD repair kit. Yeah. Everyone had their DVD repair kit and you put it in and it clean itself. Clean it up. Those little whiskers, little whiskers on the disc clean that lens.
And, and like, but the thing was, you know, you get, you get your copy and then you start watching and then it starts skipping and you'd be like, oh no. And you call them up. No other copies. Did I give it to you for free?
Well, it's my honor. It's my duty. It's my privilege.
You've got a few other beautiful weeklies here. Weekly.
First, the first one I'm seeing on that pile. It is a film that I think is sublime, transcendent. It's a movie that means so much to me. It is Spirited Away from Miyazaki. Adventure. Where were you when you first saw this movie? Did you see it as a kiddo? So dude, I saw it when I was like 16. Um, but I've just realized I seem like an eye-opening age to come across something like this. Man, I seem like the biggest flog, the first two films I've gone for, uh, non-English. We're seeing a whole other side. Dude, I love cinema.
I guess so I've always loved fantasy books. So like the genre that I would always pick up, it was never like crime. It was never biography. It was always fantasy, right?
And I think Spirited Away, it's that portal fantasy. And when you're like a young person, the idea of portal fantasy where, you know, you start in the real world, there's a portal. There's something that takes you to a fantastic place, a world of surrealism. Oh my God. And when you're a kid, it's those movies or those books like this one for sure. Wizard of Oz, Harry Potter, those kinds of portal fantasies where you go, maybe there's something more out there. Maybe there's something in this world I don't understand. Was that what like draws you to those things?
Dude, it's funny. It's funny you say that.
So one of my favorite fantasy books is called Magician. And that is, and that starts, yes, in a different, in a slightly different world, but it still starts in a world where there's like, it's, it's humans, it's knights, it's, it's that. And then, and then they've got the mage. Yeah. And then all of a sudden there's like dragons and ghouls and all this kind of stuff, which is, I'd never made that link. It is portal fantasy. And I guess what I, what I loved about Spirited Away was again, just the sheer audacity to tell a story in that manner and have it look the way it did or every, every convention of how you think something should look is gone. I have no idea where the inspiration for so many of these creatures comes. Because yeah, sure. There's like, there's, there's dragons and that kind of thing. But then there's like, you know, the spider dude down the bottom who's like, he's like rattling away all the stuff to send back up the top.
What kind of dude is that? It's like, so it's that idea of surrealism where you're like, oh, it's an unbridled, unchained imagination. Someone whose imagination is so free, that can cock things that are so dreamy, so dreamlike.
Exactly right. And then it's beautiful. It is just a beautiful, beautiful story.
You empathize with everyone involved. Everyone, like you're rooting for just about everyone.
Like I think with a lot of Studio Ghibli stuff, it's like, you, you aren't even sure if you leave necessarily with this huge, like moral epiphany. It's just a beautifully told story that's kind of told in a different, in a different way. Like the resolution is always a bit different to what Western films are like. Man, I'm actually really, the way you say that's like quite moving, like that it's not an epiphany. And I think you're hitting on like what it is, like the spirituality of these films, especially when you think about them, they're films for young people or young people is someone that he's trying to speak to with these films. And it's not like an epiphany. It's almost like there's a melancholy to them that you're kind of left with. And I think those are why those films resonate so much, especially when you're young and you're like, wow, there's, there is this like portal to another world, but it reflects like what we are here and like what your life is there.
And I think it is the best example of that. I would say I'm going to, I'm going to be vulnerable for a moment. I think this is one of the very best movies ever made. Yeah, I really do. When I saw you pick this one, I got so excited.
Oh man, it's, I mean, and like just what you said there as well, like the melancholy, she leaves the world. She leaves the world. She leaves her brand new, she leaves her brand new friend.
Like behind forever. And it's a tough lessons that you have to learn in life as well. So it's like, it captures the beauty of those feelings. And like, you know, it's not drum, like, you know, I never had the epiphany that, oh, you know, life has seasons, but that's all moments or like, you know, but that's exactly what it is.
And just to do it so beautifully and have it still speak to me, a 34 year old now, I watched it. I watched it like only the other day after I gave you the record. I was like, far out. These films aren't bad Tony, well done. And like, I watched it, I was like, far out. It's incredible. And you can't not have some moisture come out of your eyes when you watch them, unfortunately.
Okay. Before we move on to your next pick, it would be remiss of us to not talk about it, because I think our deep bond and friendship is based around this. Food. And in Spirited Away, like people always talk about like anime food and food in particular in Ghibli movies as being so unctuous and like beyond perfection. I think that's what it is. Like, because it's animated, you can make it look how, like what the ideal version is. Like when you think about like that philosophical term of like idealism, like what is the perfect version of it? The only way you can achieve that is by freaking drawing it from your heart. I know, man. And like every time you see it and like food prep, food prep in Ghibli films, my God, it's just like, I mean, if people out, if people who are watching haven't done this, do yourself a favor and just type into whatever social media you have and type in anime food prep and just watch them like chopping up spring onions and, you know, cracking eggs and making omelettes and fried rice. It's just, oh, it is perfection. And you're right. There is, well, I guess so much of the lesson to be learned in Spirited Away is about not gorging yourself and not... Oh, God.
Well, I mean, we certainly have rolled out of a few restaurants, but yeah, I mean, yeah, the food in Ghibli and Spirited Away, particularly insane. On the complete other side of the spectrum, we've gone from surrealism.
Your next pick is one of the great masterpieces of Grounded. Oh, yeah. Realistic crime cinema. It is Michael Mann's epic heat. Crime. Bro, how good, how good is this film? That could be the whole conversation. I know. What is it? Because I think what is exciting about Heat, it is that when I use the term epic, I really mean it. It's so many things. What is that element that captures you most about this film?
I mean, Pacino and De Niro head to head. Like a cop who you think is a worse guy than a villain.
Just how they're so intrinsically... They're two sides of the same coin, buddy. I know, it's out. And I mean, that scene where they sit opposite each other. Yeah. I remember being convinced as a kid when I first saw this movie. God, maybe they're not even in the same scene. Maybe they filmed these separately because I couldn't quite...
I was such a little nerd. These were my heroes. No shit, dudes. When I was a teenager in my little Velcro Mambo wallet, I had a printed out picture of Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. That's so cool. That I used to just keep in my wallet. You are a sweetheart. It was before I had a smartphone.
I couldn't just Google what they looked like. I just needed to go... Every now and then I need to see a picture of these guys. Just need to be reminded. It was just a little print out one side, they were on each side. So that was like my little cop and criminal on the same side, the different sides of the coin. And I was so obsessed.
I was like, man, I don't even know if they could have handled them together. Maybe they couldn't even do it, but they did.
I was a maniac, a conspiracy theorist. Yeah, but I'm into that one. I was a truther.
What were you, 15? Yeah, I was 15.
But dude, I mean, no happy ending. I love that. I get so annoyed with happy endings when you can just tell that they've been plastered on at the end for, I can only assume, middle America.
Oh, and just the slow zooms, the shots that are taken. And that blue color palette. The hue that comes through.
Val Kilmer, killing it in his role. You kind of forget he's in it even. He turns in a bloody masterpiece. Absolutely.
I think it's like, for me, where Heat really ascends, it's that epic scope where it's so many different stories being told. You've got the two leads opposing each other, but then there's all these other aspects of the life of crime and how this film kind of explores those. And what really hit me the last time I watched this is there is this one small plot line that kind of runs throughout. And when it finally connects to the film, it's a bit of a heartbreaker, which is Dennis Haysbert, the wonderful actor. He plays a guy who's trying to go straight, and he's working as a cook in a crappy little diner. And you can just see these little glimpses of his life just not working, people not respecting him. And when the moment comes to get back into crime as the way out of the straight life, he goes for it. And there's something about that that's so heartbreaking and so much like a story of like, that's American crime. Oh man, and I guess the other part of the American crime, not the other part, one of the other parts, when you hear the VO of De Niro, and he's like, you've got to be willing to drop everything and be out the door in 30 seconds, have no connections to behind. And it's like, it's his little love story. It's him wanting connection that ends up costing him. Yeah, and I think that he wouldn't change that decision, is what is powerful about that performance and that character. And yeah, because it's so epic and it's wild how it starts, they're all singing, they're all alone. And then at the end, basically what Pacino's character sees is her in the car. And then he's around, you know, it's just so good.
Man, they're doing Heat 2, the book is out. I've seen that. I've been too trepidatious to read it, because now they're talking about it going to actually be a movie. I don't want to read the book. That's it, I'm saving myself for the film.
Who do you want to fill those shoes? Me and you maybe, or? I mean, we've got the chops. I don't know if we've got the street cred. I know that he's talking about Adam Driver being Neil McCauley, and they just come hot off Ferrari. I can see Driver playing that. And who's up? Do you know, I'm trying to think who can do a Pacino now, or who could kind of embody that hard energy of him. The hard energy, but also a bit of neuroticism. Yeah, OK, it's not quite an LLF field pick, but what about Gyllenhaal, Jake? Yep, yep. If any, originally, I would go maybe him.
But do we want him older? Do we want him a bit older? Oh, yeah, well, hey, we can freaking get some of that Irishman stuff. Let's get the old guys back.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, but like, I mean, at the same age that they were when they shot it. Yeah, because it's only set a few years before and a few years after. So it's kind of like an interesting which one, which way.
So, yeah, I mean, God, that's a question without notice. My apologies, I didn't mean to get you a gotcha. No, this is a huge gotcha.
Far out, imagine if like Bill Hader. Oh, man, doing both. Doing both, that's what I want to see. Well, because like you often hear people say that people who are grounded in comedy are incredible straight guys. Yeah, incredible straight guys. And we've seen how dark Bill Hader goes in Barry. Like, so I can see him going and we've seen him do a Pacino impression as well.
Right, can I pitch you my remake idea? Go. Because I think the only way to improve heat is for them to fuck. I think that's the only way for them after they die to see me go, hey, you want to come back to my place? That's how you do it. But here is what I'm thinking. And they can go either way. Either way you want to cast it.
Who's the cop? Who's the criminal?
Denzel and Angela Bassett. Oh, huge. Denzel Halle Berry.
Oh, that's cool. We've got a hot movie. It's not just called Heat, it's called Hot. Okay, somewhere between the surrealist masterpiece that is spirited away. Yes. And the gritty, grounded heist film that is Heat lies a movie directly in the dead center of them. And it's your final pick. It is Christopher Nolan's dreamy heist film, Inception.
Man, I mean. Did you make that correlation when you put these together? No, like, so when I sent you my list, it was kind of funny it was how quickly you made the and how quickly you connected the dots. I was like, whoa, I'd never considered that. Well, it's my one purpose in this world. I think you've got a few more, but sure. My brain is wide in an exactly that way.
But yeah, I guess upon reflection, like all of my films are like adventure. They're all adventure. They're all kind of everyone.
Some of the, like, a lot of the characters are somewhere where they shouldn't be. And a lot of these characters are technically doing the wrong thing in accordance with the world that they're in. So I don't know what that says about me and what I like.
However, Inception, I remember the first time I watched it, I just. Do you see it in cinemas? I saw it in the cinemas. I was just blown away. Like it was probably the biggest, most expansive film. Because I saw Batman Begins in the cinema, which is huge. But Inception was bigger because it's something else. You're just like going, oh, it's an original vision that I'm seeing. And then not only is it, I guess, literally bigger in terms of scope, but then mentally it's huge.
Right. So I love the mental gymnastics that you go through as a character. I thought the performances were fantastic. Like, yeah, thought they were all incredible.
Were you going on to like message boards, like reading what the theories and stuff were? Dude, I'm like pretty average with tech and getting involved in that kind of thing. So I've never been involved in message boards or Reddit threads or anything like that. So I guess that's a long, polite way of saying no. You fucking nerd. I didn't do it.
I've heard about it. But I mean, if you call like a message board, like sitting with my mates and go, what do you reckon, have a move? Yeah, OK. Someone had mates in real life. But I've got to say, like the premise is crazy. How cool is that?
And then to just like slowly bring in this tension of his own mind, getting to him. And darkness of it. And letting her in and letting his own guilt.
And then is he lost? Is he lost to it all?
I love that. And again, not a Hollywood ending. Tell you what I really like about this movie.
And it kind of comes after a movement in the early 2000s, late 90s. I called the Millennium Mindfuck era of cinema, where there's all these movies at the turn of the millennium that fuck with your head. Like Donnie Darko. Donnie Darko's number one. The Matrix, Truman Show, those films. And a lot of them deal with like that same kind of surrealism.
Existentialism.
Who are we? Why do we exist? Who are the fuck are you, man?
All of those kind of movies. Where's Your Head At is the song that would play for these movies.
Yeah, I'm so into that. Yeah, so it's like that kind of feeling. And so almost like this modern or Americanized surrealism, which is this idea of taking something complex and then distilling that down to an image and then turning it into cinema. And I think this does it really well. It's not just dreams, but it's like psyche as well. And like how you like those feelings of repression, like how your mind works and how your brain interprets those things through emotion, how they feel, how they look.
I think because Nolan is such like he's a logical guy. Like he's such a guy that is all about like grounding in reality. Like his take on Batman was like, it's real. And then with this, it's like he takes those images and goes, OK, how do I make it real? How do I actually explore these in a physical way? And I think there's something about like that pragmatic sense of this movie that is kind of like the secret weapon of this film and why it sticks with you.
Well, I think that's a really good point because you could so easily have flying cars and like spaceships and all that kind of stuff because we're in dreams. But the dreams are given defense and he uses great dialogue. And he introduces it so well, like the rules are laid out so nicely. And what a great scene with the young architect.
I've forgotten the name of...
We've got Elliot Page. Elliot Page. Yeah. So Elliot Page plays this architect and we've got Leo as the master architect.
And how do they set up the rules? How do they tell us?
So, so obviously. Oh, let me show you. And then just a very, very blatant. This is blatant. It's some of the best exposition you've ever seen.
And it's like it's interesting because with these kind of movies, often it's like that science fiction exposition where I go, well, let me dumb it down for you, bucko. But instead, no, this is a freaking heist movie. It's laid out like a heist movie. You're stealing something from someone's mind.
That's what it is. That's it.
And you go like, OK, we're going to get the team together. Here's the team. Here's how we do it. And like every heist movie, it doesn't always go exactly to plan. But you know what the plan is. So you see the failures happen. You understand how it unravels.
You can't do that. Oh, no, he's he's your dead wife.
Oh, no, shivers. What are we going to do? Like it's a normal movie. They say shivers. They don't say the swear words.
But one thing that, you know, speaking of those theories, the the reading of this film that I've always loved is that this is Christopher Nolan's film about filmmaking. And I've always found that so attractive because the team is you've got Ken Watanabe's character.
He's the studio. He's the one funding it all. Leonardo DiCaprio is the director. He directs everything. You've got Elliot Page as the architect. That's a set designer. You've got Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He's the one that kind of puts the team together. He's the producer.
And then you've got wonderful, like the kind of first big exposure we all had to Tom Hardy. And wasn't he great? And he's so good because he kind of embodies that actor. And he comes, yeah, he comes in and he goes, well, what are you going to need right there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is, you're so right. I had a mental note to talk about how good Tom Hardy was in this before I came in. And then I'm glad you just draw my memory.
His performance as, what do they call him? He's kind of, I always saw him as he's the actor. But they call, they call him like the forger or something like that because he forges the signatures. He forges the accents. He does such cool crime movie terminology as well.
It's, it's, it's fantastic. And, and also, you know, I mean, the performances are at another level. Like all of all of their performances.
He's referred to as the fence. The fence.
Which is like that kind of crime thing. Like forgery and the way that, you know, where you send stuff off.
So yeah, I mean, I love this film for all the reasons we've just said. I think it's not underrated, but I think it could get more flowers. I, I, I will tell you this. It's a movie that I like more every time I revisit it. I remember when it, when it came out, I was a little bit cold on it, but I went back to it a couple of years ago and I just loved it. I feel like that's often the way with me with Christopher Nolan films. Like sometimes I wish that was the way with Tenant. Oh my God.
I just never got there with Tenant. Me neither. I'm still trying because these films are just a little bit cold. They're a little bit emotionless for me.
So it's kind of like, ah, but when they are like Dunkirk, I think it's all the way there for me. And then of course, Oppenheimer, I really loved it. Dude, what about Dunkirk?
When you realize that they're all in the same timeline, like, and like when you clock onto the fact they're in the same space, you're like, they're all in the same space. They're all in the same timeline.
Just one of them you see for three minutes on the screen. The other you see for 28 minutes. And the other one you see for that just blows the balloon.
I was like, oh my God. Oh, what a master filmmaker. It's time for me to offer you my staff pick. Well, finally. I'm shocked all of these in the algorithm. Finally, a sense of authority in the room. Absolutely. We're finally here.
And I think like, you know, that observation that we made of these, these films being like spirited away is this surrealist masterpiece. It's very dreamy. And then you've got Inception being the dreamy heist film and all the other way on the spectrum. You've got Heat being a grounded heist film. And I was looking at those. I go, OK, why don't we just recalibrate that spectrum a little bit? And I've got you a wonderful film. And I'm going to tell you this. This is, firstly, a recommendation for all of this filmmakers films, because I think you will love them. Not only is a huge influence on Christopher Nolan, especially with Inception, the hat that you're currently wearing on your head, Requiem for a Dream. And I always pronounce that like it's a rhyme.
By Darren Aronofsky. This is, I think he might be Darren Aronofsky's favorite filmmaker.
It's a man called Satoshi Kon. And even in Requiem, say it the real way this time, Requiem for a Dream. He even used imagery from one of his films. I think he even paid him to be able to use like, like a couple of stills or something. Not even use a stills, but almost use his work as a storyboard for certain scenes in Requiem for a Dream. But this is a film that he made after that. This is a movie called Paprika. By Satoshi Kon.
And so we are basically recalibrating it to go a little bit more into the sublime, a little bit more into the surrealness of Spirited Away. This is an anime film that is quite literally the primary influence for Inception. It came out just a few years before, was a major influence.
I'm going to read you a little bit of the plot. It is about a scientist who under a code named Paprika is a dream detective at night. Atsuko and her colleagues are working on advice called the DC Mini, which is intended to help psychiatric patients, but in the wrong hands, it could destroy people's minds. What that device is, it is a device that links up to your head, where you can kind of share dreams with people and can enter other people's dreams.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ding, ding, ding. We're hitting something here. And when a prototype is stolen, Paprika springs into action to recover it before damage is done.
And this is kind of doing those things you were talking about, like how Nolan's grounded, how he kind of finds these dreams in a reality of representation. But here, this is once again, that pure imagination. You literally begin in a circus with this film and it gets wild and more warped since that starting point. And it's just a truly mesmerizing visual experience. For me, it's one of the best representations of dreams and dream logic, how things don't quite make sense, but they do when you're in there, watching them, when you're experiencing them. When you're in there enjoying or not enjoying the dream, you're like, this is so real.
And then you come out and you're like, oh no, that was a horse that had gills and it was underwater with a gun. That's it. But that made sense. Dude, have you seen this movie? Because that's kind of what happens in this. Yeah, I watched it last night when I shot the eyes.
But it's Satoshi Kon. He's like a surrealist master in my opinion. And he was, I think he was a prophet. He could see things that were yet to be discovered. His first movie, Perfect Blue, which is a big inspiration for Darren Aronofsky, especially when it comes to this requiem for a dream. And also Black Swan is kind of inspired by another one of his movies as well together. He kind of saw things that were happening in the future.
Perfect Blue is from 1997 and it is about parasocial relationships and the darkness of them through the internet. And so it's like, how did this guy know? Like parasocial wasn't even really a term used in 1997. And now it's like- That's the first time I've heard it used in real life. But it's kind of like, man, this guy, he was it.
And I think you would like all of his movies. But Paprika is a great place for you to start. Well, Alexi, thank you. I cannot wait to watch it. And this is a special copy.
This is an actual ex-rental from the video store I worked at as a teenager. It's even got the- I'm not sure if Alexi's put this in. No, that's my handwriting from when I was 16 years old. We can't ever be sure if this is part of arts, if this is part of the arts department.
But thank you. Thank you very much.
I cannot wait to dive into it. Well, we're going to get out of here and we'll go watch freaking Spawn. Let's go watch Spawn, baby.
Alexi, thank you. My pleasure, my brother. Well, what a wonderful show with Tony Armstrong, my dear buddy. And sick pics, brother. I'll admit it. Sick freaking pics. What a great combo.
And let me tell you, we can find those movies. Parasite can rent on VOD if you haven't seen it, but it's a sensation you probably have. Spirited Away, the surrealist classic, is on Netflix. And Heat, the classic heist film, is on Disney Plus, which just seems crazy to me that it's on Disney Plus.
And of course, Inception is on, I'm going to refresh my memory right now. Inception is on Binge, baby. You can binge Inception.
And then finally, Paprika. My perfect recommendation for Tony is on Netflix as well. And I'll tell you this. Tony watched the movie, and he sent me like 10,000 messages about how much he loved it. Maybe I'll share those on the Instagram, which you can find at lastvideostore.tuta. And I'll be sharing those screenshots of all his praise for that wonderful flick on there, plus a few little bonuses here and there. You can watch this show on YouTube. You can listen to it as a podcast. And let me tell you this, you too are a member of the last video store. So I want to treat you just like I do all the other members of the last video store. I want to give you a bespoke staff pick recommendation. And the best way to get me your new release, your two weeklies, is as a comment on a five star review on Apple Podcasts, a comment on our YouTube page for one of the episodes. And if you want lastvideostore.tuta on Instagram, DM us a voice message, and I will give you your bespoke staff pick recommendation based on your new release and your two weeklies.
So send them in, babes, across all of those platforms. And I'll get to you. I'll get to you. It might take time, but baby, I will get to you.
It is my freaking mission on earth to do this. So of course, you're welcome into the last video store anytime. Until the next time we meet, I'm just going to say this one thing. I love films con.
And even in Requiem, I'm going to say it the real way this time, Requiem for a Dream, he even used imagery from one of his films. I think he even paid him to be able to use like- Just a couple of stills or something? Not even use the stills, but almost use his work as a storyboard for certain scenes in Requiem for a Dream. But this is a film that he made after that.
This is a movie called Paprika by Satoshi Ko. And so we are basically recalibrating it to go a little bit more into the sublime, a little bit more into the surrealness of Spirited Away. This is an anime film that is quite literally the primary influence for Inception. It came out just a few years before, was a major influence. I'm going to read you a little bit of the plot.
It is about a scientist who under a code named Paprika is a dream detective at night. Atsuko and her colleagues are working on a device called the DC Mini, which is intended to help psychiatric patients, but in the wrong hands, it could destroy people's minds. What that device is, it is a device that links up to your head where you can kind of share dreams with people and can enter other people's dreams.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Ding, ding, ding. We're hitting something here.
And when a prototype is stolen, Paprika springs into action to recover it before damage is done. And this is kind of doing those things you were talking about, like how Nolan's grounded, how he kind of finds these dreams and like in a reality of representation. But here, this is once again, that pure imagination. You literally begin in a circus with this film and it gets wild and more warped since that starting point. And it's just a truly mesmerizing visual experience. For me, it's one of the best representations of dreams and dream logic, how things don't quite make sense, but they do when you're in there watching them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're in there having like enjoying or not enjoying the dream, you're like, this is so real. And then you come out and you're like, oh no, that was a horse that had gills and like it was underwater with a gun. That's it. But that made sense. Dude, have you seen this movie? Because that's kind of what happens in this. Yeah, I watched it last night when I shut the eyes, yeah.
But it's Satoshi Kon. He's like a surrealist master in my opinion. And he was, I think he was a prophet. Like he could see things that were yet to be discovered. His first movie, Perfect Blue, which is a big inspiration for Darren Aronofsky, especially when it comes to this Queen for a Dream. And also Black Swan is kind of inspired by another one of his movies as well together. He kind of saw things that were happening in the future.
Like Perfect Blue is from 1997 and it is about parasocial relationships and the darkness of them through the internet. And so it's like, how did this guy know? Like parasocial wasn't even really a term used in 1997. And now it's like- That's the first time I've heard it used in real life. But it's kind of like, man, this guy, he was it.
And I think you would like all of his movies, but Paprika is a great place for you to start. Well, Alexei, thank you. I cannot wait to watch it.
And this is a special copy. This is an actual ex-rental from the video store I worked at as a teenager. It's even got the, I'm not sure if Alexei's put this in. That's my handwriting from when I was 16 years old. We can't ever be sure if this is part of arts, if this is part of the arts department.
But thank you. Thank you very much.
I cannot wait to dive into it. Well, we're going to get out of here and we'll go watch freaking Spawn. Let's go watch Spawn, baby!
Alexei, thank you. My pleasure, my brother. Well, what a wonderful show with Tony Armstrong, my dear buddy. And sick pics, brother. I'll admit it. Sick freaking pics. What a great combo.
And let me tell you, we can find those movies. Parasite, you can rent on VOD if you haven't seen it, but it's a sensation you probably have. Spirited Away, the surrealist classic is on Netflix. And Heat, the classic heist film is on Disney Plus, which just seems crazy to me that it's on Disney Plus.
And of course, Inception is on, I'm going to refresh my memory right now. Inception is on Binge, baby. You can binge Inception.
And then finally Paprika, my perfect recommendation for Tony is on Netflix as well. And I'll tell you this, Tony watched the movie and he sent me like 10,000 messages about how much he loved it. Maybe I'll share those on the Instagram, which you can find at last video store, Betuta. And I'll be sharing those screenshots of all his praise for that wonderful flick on there, plus a few little bonuses here and there. You can watch this show on YouTube. You can listen to it as a podcast. And let me tell you this, you too are a member of the last video store. So I want to treat you just like I do all the other members of the last video store. I want to give you a bespoke staff pick recommendation and the best way to get me your new release, your two weeklies is as a comment on a five star review on Apple podcasts, a comment on our YouTube page for one of the episodes. And if you want last video store Betuta on Instagram, DM us a voice message, and I will give you your bespoke staff pick recommendation based on your new release and your two weeklies. So send them in babes across all of those platforms.
And I'll get to you. I'll get to you. It might take time, but baby, I will get to you.
It is my fricking mission on earth to do this. So of course you're welcome into the last video store anytime. Until the next time we meet, I'm just going to say this one thing. I love films. |
dropout | buy_food_ethically_unless_it_s_too_hard | I care about the environment, about hunger, about food. One third of all food produced worldwide is wasted. And we needlessly pollute by shipping perishables all over the world. That's why I believe in buying seasonal, local, whole foods.
Unless it's inconvenient. I always buy produce from my local farmer's market, unless it's raining. Or if it's too hot outside. Or too cold. Or if I wake up too late. Or if I have something else going on that day. But otherwise, yeah, totally.
Farmer's market. Because the food we buy affects all of us. All of us. When I support local farmers, I support my own community. I support a cleaner environment for everyone. So when I do get to the farmer's market, I'm making a difference.
Except I don't buy onions there, because they're like five dollars for a single onion. I could buy a whole bag of onions at the grocery store for that. Ooh, and meat. Right, I don't get meat there. Or milk.
I mean, it looks great. It looks delicious.
But I'm not made of money. And I'm not sure I'd be able to taste the difference.
But I definitely buy carrots and shit. Carrots and shit. Sometimes. Unless the produce looks kind of shitty, sometimes it looks like shitty.
Or it's a vegetable I've never seen before and I'm scared of it. What is this thing and how do I cook it?
But I'll still buy margarita mix from that one stand. Or artisanal soap. Or tacos from the taco truck that sits idly next to the market all day. It still counts, right? Or it's still at the farmer's market.
We're thinking more about our food. Because we're living in a world where one trillion dollars of food gets wasted every year. 25% of all calories produced never get consumed. I think about these things.
So with the exceptions I just mentioned, I shop at the farmer's market. The farmer's market.
Unless I'm really hungry. Then I'd just go to McDonald's or something. But only when I'm hungry or tired. Or if I'm just in the mood for some McDonald's.
Would I definitely buy a potato or something from the farmer's market once a month at least? At least. Certainly once every two months because I care about the environment. Although I do also drive to the farmer's market. That's probably not good. Well, at least you could say I'm trying.
Kind of.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.
Thank you for watching. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here to watch another video. And click here if you want to see what I look like without a shirt on.
Ah. Weird that it's the same, isn't it? |
TheOnion | How_Do_Archers_Resist_Firing_Arrows_At_Everyone_In_The_Spectator_Gallery | Archery Archery is all about form, focus, and technique. Competitors stand over 200 feet away from the target, aiming for a bullseye no more than five inches in diameter. To stay on target, archers must resist the natural impulse to turn around and fire arrows at everyone in the spectator gallery.
But how do they do it?
We constructed a replica archery range where an archer will attempt to shoot 10 arrows at the target while trying to avoid purposefully firing at the five dummies positioned in the stands. And that archer is former World Archery Federation champion Sarah Vogel. Using eye-tracking technology, we will see the range from Sarah's perspective. When holding a bow, a person's peripheral vision immediately identifies any crowds within their field of view. The brain then sends neural signals that cause the hips to turn, the arms to readjust position, and the fingers to release the bow string, firing an arrow into the densest part of the crowd. At this point, the pupils dial it, as the archer looks to pick off the slowest people attempting to run away. But in the brain of an experienced archer like Sarah, thousands of hours of practice have created neural pathways that allow her to keep her hands steady and refrain from moving the bow 40 degrees to where the spectators are sitting.
Even when we upped the challenge by placing an additional five dummies in the stands, Sarah still managed to aim for the target an amazing nine out of ten times. Though on her final attempt, she shot an arrow right into the front row of the gallery, which just goes to show that even the pros aren't perfect. So walk me through how you stay so composed, even when there are hundreds of spectators you could aim at. Well, when I first started out, I was always shooting at concession stands or referees.
Now I just get into the zone and I don't even think about shooting arrows into the parking lot. Arrows fired from a bow can travel speeds of up to 300 miles per hour. With that much force, archers also have to suppress the urge to fire at any two spectators, standing close enough together that a single arrow could go through both of their chests. |
cracked | the_friends_theme_song_briefly_broke_up_the_band_who_recorded_it | is arguably the most recognizable opening tune in the history of television. But the band behind the hit has a complicated relationship with the friends theme that proved to be their biggest break. It all happened wildly fast, wild began. Our manager said a new sitcom was looking for a theme song and Kevin Bright, the show's executive producer, was a Rembrandt's fan. Just two days later, the Rembrandts were in the studio ready to record what would become their biggest hit. Once people realized it was us, we went from doing cool clubs to matinee shows where parents would bring their kids, lamented Wild, explaining, the song became an albatross around our necks and broke up the band for many years. My bandmate Phil Salim had pretty much had it. Wild and Salim went their separate ways, with Salim returning to his native Minneapolis to work on new, non-TV music with the band Thrush. Wild and Salim reunited in 2000 and have continued to create music together ever since.
They even perform I'll Be There For You from time to time, provided the paycheck is right. After all, sometimes it pays to be stuck in second gear. |
SaturdayNightLive | old_friends_snl | Oh My. God.
My mom has not changed this room since I left for college. Who's this? Oh, that's Keith. He was my best friend growing up. He lived a few doors down. Man, I haven't seen Keith in like 15 years. Well, you should reach out. it's always nice to hear from an old friend at Christmas. Hey Keith, it's Jake. It's been forever.
Man, Want to grab a beer tonight? Jake Mitchell Wow, I'd love that. where do you want to go? Finnegan's See, it always pays to reach out. that's not a gay bar, right? I don't think so. it's just a bar.
More than a thousand feet from a school. Keith. Hello, Well silly face. Emoji for real though, Is it more than a thousand feet from a school? Probably. I'm in. Hey, it means a lot that you reached out Man for real.
Of course most of my friends cut ties after all that stuff went down last year. What stuff? bunch of Bs. The Netflix doc made it seem worse than it was babe. Go on Netflix and search Keith Lawndale The man was 600 kids. How a sperm bank janitor secretly switched hundreds of donor samples with his own and got away with it. Oh my God. What?
Anyway, I've been pretty lonely. I lost the love of my life last year.
I'm so sorry. here's my faith pick of us: It's crazy that they can just take a gun away from you because of what you say online. You sent a thumbs up to that. What was I supposed to say? Anyway, can't wait to hang. I have so much to tell you about.
Pick you up in a few after uber though. no license. Oh do I? nah, I can't renew it. Dmv is within a thousand feet of a school, dude. Okay, we're on our way.
We me and Big Filthy. Who is Big Filthy?
I don't know. His friend I guess. Call me. I have a way we can make 30k tonight.
You were allergic to latex? Who is Big Filthy? Hey, not to be corny, but some of my best memories are hanging out with you with your moms. by the way, does she still have big ones? Oh My. God. sorry typo, Big titties, Oh my God. How did I not know? Keith's the full psycho Now because you never go on Facebook. Still the best way to see which old friends are crazy. Now you. |
TheOnion | Hungry_FDA_Official_Orders_Massive_Pot_Pie_Recall | Good afternoon. For those of you who weren't at the morning briefing, let me get everyone up to speed on where we're at.
As of 2 o'clock Eastern Time today, the United States Food and Drug Administration issued a Class 1 product recall of all pot pies sold within the last five days. We have reason to believe that these savory food items may pose numerous health risks to consumers. Therefore, we're instructing all U.S. citizens who are in possession of one or more pot pies to send those pot pies to FDA headquarters.
Attention, FDA panel conference room. That address is 5600 Fishers Lane, 12th floor Rockville, Maryland. They need to arrive as soon as possible so we can inspect them this evening. I'm now ready to take your questions.
Are the pot pies affected by the recall from a specific company or manufacturer? This recall affects a wide variety of pot pies from many different companies. It doesn't matter what kind of pot pies they are. What does matter, according to the technical directors of the FDA, is those pot pies arrive at FDA headquarters piping hot. In addition, it is imperative that all pie crust be of a flaky consistency and a golden brown color. Again, this is for safety reasons. But if people don't know which companies are affected, how are they going to know which pot pies have been recalled? Alright, here's a small portion of the pot pies we're recalling. Swanson's all-white meat chicken pot pies, Country Kitchen's deep dish hearty helping turkey pot pies, Marie Callender's Yankee pot pies, Fresh Direct's Southwestern beef pot pies. I'm going to make the whole list available to you. Oh, spinach and mushroom pot pies are not included in the recall, so please don't send those. But it's imperative that forks and napkins be sent with each pot pie. Sir, can you explain what the forks are for? They're part of the inspection process. We don't want to burn our hands when we're inspecting the pie.
Okay, I've just been informed that a very significant cookie-related health matter has just been brought to our attention. The FDA is now issuing a separate class one product recall of Nabisco brand Oreo sandwich cookies. In addition, we're issuing a separate recall of 20,000 gallons of ice cold milk. |
dropout | hallie_part_3_j_a_archives | How was your date? You tell me. I can't. You tell me. Well I'm wearing this. Aren't I? Huh? Is that what you wore last night? What's that? Is that what you wore last night? Let's just say no. Okay, I'm just going to ask Kelly. Sup? Hey. Listen, if you're doing this to get back at me...
Disney working!
So. Come here, stop. You didn't Google your name today, okay? No, I'm just checking dinner reservations for tonight and my internet's down. Oh yeah, that's right.
How was your big date? It was really awesome.
QQ, did you fuck them? Straight up. Jake. They smell like chicken nuggets. You suck.
Can you just get away from me? Oh, wow. Yeah, I'll get away from you. I'll get away from you.
Right away. If. Leave. Wow, so you like really like her. Uh, yeah. No. I mean, I guess so. Excuse me. Get the fuck away from my computer. Right now. Come here. Bye. Let me just finish. Let me just finish this and then... One second, alright? I'm here. What? Dinner of the night. Uh, no I can't.
I'm going to... Go to the D's! No, I'm going to... Go to the D's! A different restaurant with Hallie. We're going on a date.
I'm going to play a snooze on your computer, Dory. Can I play some snooze sauce? Shut up! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_o_j_simpson_on_will_smith_s_oscars_slap_snl | Last week's altercation between Will Smith and Chris Rock at the Oscars seemed to have divided Hollywood, with many celebrities publicly taking sides. here. The comment is and he wrote his own intro: Heisman Trophy winner and star of Naked Gun.
Oj Simpson. It's a nail world. Wow, it's always good to hear applause for Oj.
All right, so who's out of you on Chris Rock or Will Smith? Oh now Michael, you know me, I hate conflict. They both seem like good guys, but honestly, I don't even understand Chris Rock's joke. I mean, what the hell is G.i.j.
Oh, it's just a movie from the 90s. The 90s. Oh, I don't remember nothing from the 90s.
Yeah, that whole decade is my N-word Any who humble opinion Will Smith may be overreacted by slapping Chris Rock. I mean, well, I don't want to say that you got rave issues, but hey, if the glove fits, I'm just saying okay, so you're on Chris Rock side. No way, I ain't saying all that Michael. I mean, Chris ain't exactly innocent neither. nobody likes to be made fun of. I mean, you might be too young to remember, but people used to make a lot of mean jokes about me.
Really? About what? all kinds of stuff.
Sometimes jokes can go too far, especially when it's about a man's family. Cuz like Will Smith said in his speech, love will make you do crazy things allegedly great. so you're on Will Smith's side. I already said I'm not on anybody's side, Michael. don't you be accusing me again! Sorry, might lost it a little bit there. Just you know, whenever people accuse me of stuff. it makes me just wanna any who? I just want to give them brother some advice. you know, whenever you feel anger bubbling up inside instead of reacting, just do what I do.
Take a nice long drive or maybe let a friend drive you around so you can lay that in the back and call the news stations. You know, Oj. Some people are saying the Academy should take away Will Smith's trophy. you ain't taking my trophies away! Make a big confession that's been a long time coming. Yes, please. I ain't watchin' them Oscars. Oj Simpson, Everybody!
I'm just sayin'' man, what you think we can knock that out Michael? I'm callin'' just, goodnight And he wrote his own intro.
Heisman Trophy winner and star of Naked Gun Oj Simpson. I had to hear applause for Oj. All right, Oj.
So whose side are you on? Chris Rock or Will Smith? Oh now Michael, you know me.
I hate conflict. No, they both seem like good guys, but honestly, I ain't even understand Chris Rock's joke. I mean, what the hell is G.i.j?
Oh, it's just a movie from the 90s. the 90s? Oh, I don't remember nothing from the 90s.
Yeah, that whole decade is my N-word In humble opinion, Will Smith may be overreacted by slapping Chris Rock. I mean, well, I don't want to say that you got rave issues, but hey, if the glove fits. okay, I'm just sayin'' Okay, so you're on Chris Rock's side? no way, I ain't sayin'' all that, Michael. I mean, Chris ain't exactly innocent, neither. Nobody likes to be made fun of. I mean, you might be too young to remember, but people used to make a lot of mean jokes about me. Really? about what? all kinds of stuff. Sometimes jokes can go too far, especially when it's about a man's family. Cuz like Will Smith said in his speech, love will make you do crazy things. allegedly great, So you're on Will Smith's side?
I already said, I'm not on anybody's side, Michael. don't you be accusing me again! Alright, alright, alright, I ain't accusing you man. Sorry, might have lost it a little bit there.
Just you know, whenever people accuse me of stuff. it makes me just wanna. Anywho, I just want to give them brothers some advice, You know, whenever you feel anger bubbling up inside instead of reacting, just do what I do. Take a nice long drive. or maybe let a friend drive you around so you can lay that in the back and call the news stations. You know, Oj?
Some people are saying the Academy should take away Will Smith's trophy. You ain't taking my trophies away! relax man, don't tell. sorry about that, my girl.
Can I make a big confession that's been a long time coming? Yes, please.
I ain't watchin' them Oscars. I'm just sayin'' man, when you think we've got nothing, I might just say I'm Collin Jones, Goodnight you. |
dropout | this_girl_s_boyfriend_has_a_rattail | We're here! Hi everybody, nice to meet you Kyle. Oh man, this looks great. John Nora Paul Kate. Great, great to meet you guys. Grab a little of that for me now. Thank you. Love me wine. It's great to meet you guys. I've heard so much about you guys. It's nuts. Like, finally. Here we are.
God, this looks great. It smells so good. Nora the best cook. Oh, that's awesome. I'm excited. Everything looks great, Nora.
Yeah, I love food. I'm a big food guy. Kyle manages a restaurant. Guilty. I'm a bit of a foodie. I hate even saying that. I'm a little foodie, but I am. I do love food. I love to eat food.
Now John, Marcy tells me that you work for the Parks Department. Yeah, it was one of the last places I expected to be after college. I'm sorry, I kind of just lost my train of thought. It's okay. It happens. I've been there. Your brain ideas gone.
It's a great job. That's great.
And Paul and Kate are surgeons. Surgeons?
Whoa! Okay, so that's a pretty high pressure occupation, right? At first, you know, I was so afraid, but after a while, you get the adrenaline. You get used to it. The adrenaline is like kind of get you going.
Yeah, I mean it can be a real rat tail. I'm sorry? A real rat race. Rat race, okay.
They actually passed me that pasta salad. Well, sure. Is that what I'm smelling? Because that smells delicious.
I love garlic. I love it too.
Oopsy poops.
There we go. A little Avatar action at you. It smells good though. Hey Nora, my eyes are up here.
I'm so sorry. I was just... Yeah, they were just. No, they were all just. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't think that this would happen here, but fine.
Yes, I have a rat tail. I've had it my whole life.
In the 80s, when it was cool. In the 90s when, you know, it wasn't that cool anymore. The early aughts when people had completely forgotten about them.
And even today, when people like you just sit there and stare. I'm a person just like you.
Okay, the only difference is that I have a tail of hair emanating from the carefully groomed terrain of my rear hairline that goes down past my shoulders. That's it. Look, I've always believed that hair is history.
And I'm not just gonna change mind with the tides. Kyle, we're all so sorry. Yeah. I mean, seriously, guys. Is this how you treat all your friends with rat tails? Hold on. Is it? We don't really know. You know what? It doesn't even matter.
I love you, Kyle and Cafferty. I love you, Marcy, I really do. And I'd stick by you through anything. I know, I know. And that's what makes you so important. She is my rock. You are my rock. I just want you to be yourself.
Do you dye your hair? Why? Yes, yes, I do. It's kind of gross, right? Kyle, why don't you talk?
It's just very fake. It's a big turn. That's a... I can dye it back.
No, let's keep perpetuating this. I'm sorry. I can't do this. I honestly love you, Kyle.
I'm done. You're done. I am done.
So good to meet you guys. It smells great. Okay. You've been... Okay. But anyway... I'll miss you, I guess. Here we go. I'm gonna get an Uber. |
dropout | we_hope_this_planet_doesn_t_offend_italians | We're here! Oh thank god everyone shut up.
Stromboli 5, Home to the Italian peoples. Are you trying to say Italian? No, that is not a thing. I think here, a different thing. Are the Italian people of a stromboli fighter.
Brrr.
But, what? Look, focus up. Somewhere on this planet is the stolen escape pod, the wayfinder and the orb. Is that the orb?
No.
No, no. That is a spicy amitabon. Oh, which reminded me. I got a bigger, they got only pizza pie at the non-assassive with my name on it. And my name is Joseph.
None of this is weird to you at all. Oh, look around. This is our own unique planet in our solar system and it's not referencing anything else. Doesn't it seem a little familiar?
I mean, you, aw, damn it. Jeez, another one for the demerits list.
Vin, I'm pretty sure the Legion will forgive our minor offenses when we come back with the orb. Well, that's for the Legion to decide.
Trashy, where are we going here? I don't know. The coordinates from the route of planet are only precise to the planetary level. What the fuck, Trashy? We have to search a whole planet? Finding our good, say...
Wait, Jeez, stop talking. Well, usually I'd be proven wrong here and we'd see something immediately then. Oh, there's the escape pod. Nice. Hold on. Maybe we should look a little bit more incognito. Somebody ordered organ drydough. What'd I do? Edda the monkey. Yay! Is that a monkey? No one's going to fall for this. Shut the fuck up, monkey. There's not even anyone here. Yeah, well, the orb might be here, OK? So...
You finding anything, Vin? No, nothing yet.
No! We weren't stealing! Great, so it sounds like none of us were stealing. Yeah, we're just two tourists not looking for proton packs. No! Or copper wiring. No!
And we're just two local organ grinders with a monkey. Yeah! When the monkey... So first of all, that's not an organ, that's a concertina, second of all. Why would two organ grinders share one monkey?
Larry, just ignore anything suspicious and we will be on our way. Hang on for a second, Rich. Something doesn't add up. There are two organ grinders working together. They'd make a lot more money if they split up. Did you say Rich and Larry?
I recognize that face anywhere. You're my dad. Or maybe you. I think you might be confused. Wow, your viewers must be pretty confused as well. Not me.
When I was plugged into the internet, I watched the whole episode, plus the entire series of Troopers on Dropout.tv. Don't tell anybody, I should probably have paid.
Content is king. All hail content.
Perhaps you might consider a better disguise. It's a meme! Maraman! |
TheOnion | Open_Relationship_Gives_Couple_Freedom_To_Emotionally_Drain_Other_People_From_Time_To_Time | Allison Fry and Peter Hartman are a long-term couple who recently began experimenting with a new approach to spicing up their relationship. Saying that it's proven to be surprisingly effective, the couple told reporters today that for the last several months, they've been trying out an open relationship that frees them to emotionally burden and exhaust other people. At some point, Peter and I realized that we're both grown-ups. We both trust each other.
It just seemed like the right time to open ourselves up to meeting other people and barraging them with our crippling emotional neediness. Yeah, I mean don't get me wrong, I still want to vent to Allison about all the anxieties I have at the office until she wishes I would just shut the fuck up. But sometimes you just get the urge to sap the life out of a different woman for a change. The flexible arrangement has allowed Fry and Hartman to participate in a variety of tiresome and psychologically draining one-off encounters with partners ranging from close acquaintances to total strangers.
It's been working out great for us so far. Just this week I was chatting up the cute girl that lives downstairs and I invited her up for coffee.
Before you know it, I've got her on the couch listening to me drone on and on about how I'm afraid I'm becoming my dad until she wants to rip every last hair out of her head and never see my stupid fucking face again. The couple also told reporters the agreement has provided a refreshing change of pace for their own volatile and mentally taxing interactions. Of course there was a time when I couldn't imagine saddling anyone but Peter with my extensive emotional baggage and trust issues, but now that we've tried it. The best part is, when we're back together, all we really want to do is drain the living shit out of each other.
For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
dropout | john_mulaney_cures_for_hangovers | A taxi.
Today I'm here, because I want to get from you, the main man, some tips to cure hangovers. There are no cures for hangovers. All right, let's run down the list of hangover cures. There are no cures for hangovers.
Is it true, the hair of the dog that bitches the way to go, have another drink? We're having a great time. Everything's real gay, in the old sense, the 30s sense.
I go home, I wake up, I feel like my heart's been moved into my head and it tastes like I ate a melted penny or something. And how many drinks before you think you feel the effect of the alcohol? Five to six drinks. And what do you feel? I start to feel a sense of ease and I'm a slightly more outspoken about the war, not even this war, like wars of the past. Do you exercise at all?
I'll be cleaning out the cupboards and I'll just get two cans of lentils and just go at it. Anyone else in the family drink? Every one of my relatives drinks except for one who doesn't drink because they used to drink.
Have you ever tried any of these over-the-counter methods for hangovers? You know, I had a psychiatrist that told me for a while to drink Pedialyte, which is a baby food. So I would, you know, I'd go out all night and get drunk and eat baby food all day.
You know, sometimes he says, you know, you must stop drinking. If you're on Paxil and all these things, you have to stop drinking. The alcohol in and of itself is a fairly potent toxin and when you combine it with other medications, you're mixing a cocktail that's just bound to explode at some point in time. You're saying that mixing medication and alcohol is gonna be a problem at some point? It's a problem at every point. How about we make a little wager? I will stop abusing my psychiatric medication with alcohol.
If you commit to taking piano lessons and in 30 days, we'll both meet up and see how far we've gotten. It's a deal.
I have tried this method, which is I drink as much water as I can and then go to sleep in hopes that during the night, you know how the body works with levels. The alcohol, you know, it's working itself out. Well, John, in theory, that does work. However, when you're in an inebriated or drunken state, you could take in too much water and there are actually conditions where you can create a water intoxication. It's just plain water. One could do this in their own home.
I'm not encouraging this. No one said you are.
Some of these hangover cures. One, buttermilk. True or false? There are no cures for hangovers other than avoiding the alcohol ingestion in the first place. Kind of like there's no way to not get pregnant except they don't even call her. There are certain aspects of buttermilk that it being a base, which helps to absorb some of the toxin, but in general, the binding effect of the buttermilk is minimal.
Okay, here's an interesting one. Provocative. Sexual relations.
The first thing to understand is that overutilization of alcohol can inhibit not just your inhibitions, but also your ability to perform sexually. If you got so drunk that something wasn't working, it's not that you're... Alcohol is an inhibitor and it inhibits the central nervous system, which is something we need when we wanna have sex.
Well, you gotta see who it is with your eyes. We hope so, yes. Sometimes you can close your eyes, but just staying on point.
Coca-Cola, number four. Well, the original Coca-Cola theory is a fairly decent one because you're getting sucrose, fructose, you're getting sugar, and alcohol tends to deplete your sugar stores, but there's also caffeine in Coca-Cola, causing you to void more and then increasing the concentration of the alcohol in your system.
How about this one? Hot water, cold water, hot water, cold water, back and forth, back and forth. Well, I wouldn't advise it because if you're in such a state of intoxication that you could possibly mix up the right and the left and you could scald yourself. I am not trying to encourage you to drink excessively, but if you're going to, I would encourage you to take two Tylenol or buffering, buffered aspirin, an hour or so before you go out. Backish words. Oh! |
cracked | test_audiences_keep_dramatically_changing_movies_yboc_snakes_on_a_plane_rudolph | Hey there nerds, I've got the results from our latest focus sessions right here, and I'm Dr. Jordan Brady, and I'll be walking through a few of these answers if that's okay with you. Whatever. Okay, great. Well, welcome to another episode of Your Brain on Crack, the show rigorously reviewed by test audiences and the only show on crack where I have a mustache now, unless you think it's a bad idea. As long as I'm getting paid. Well, paid.
No matter how many times I revise my spec script for Transformers eroticons, I probably won't ever become a real Hollywood big shot, but that doesn't mean that a fart sucking Philistine like me or you or him. I'll allow it. It doesn't mean we can't influence how other major movie franchises turn out. At the end of the day, movies need to make money, so Hollywood execs aren't above bowing to the winds of the unwashed masses.
For example, have you ever wanted to see Kevin Costner's penis? If so, please like, comment, and subscribe, and also you were probably a mom in 1993. What do you think? Look good. And you're also not alone, because Costner also wants you to see his untouchables.
You got nothing! Nothing!
And if you were a man, you would've done it now! During the filming of 1999's For the Love of the Game, Costner shot a scene where he showered with his dick out to show how much he just really loves the game. I was just trying to be manly. From the beginning, producers were pretty wary of including the scene as it automatically gave the film a rock-hard R rating and Costner's contract specified a circumcised PG-13. Still, like a frat boy with an iPhone, the producers went ahead and stuck that dong out there to see what the response was. Like most dick pics, the reactions were humiliating.
I gave it to you. Nice job. Test audiences giggled at the non-comedic scene, and one viewer asked the question I ask every morning when I wake up, do we really need to see Kevin Costner's penis? Again? Want me to have a look at it?
The scene was ultimately cut due to studio concerns about content and length, and an engorged... Raising? Enraged Costner accused the producers of lacking real courage, and claimed he didn't want to collaborate with people who make decisions based not on taste... Raising? ...but on some kind of instinct about an audience.
It just flies in the face of who he is. Which is an easy thing for him to say, because there was a whole lot more flying in everybody else's face.
Snakes on a Plane was probably never going to win Best Picture and make a billion dollars, but during the early stages, the film's producers still wanted to keep the appeal as broad as possible. Enough is enough! I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane! At one point, they even briefly changed the name to Pacific Flight 121 in an attempt to trick your senile grandpa into buying a ticket. Samuel L. Jackson forced them to change the name back because the man understands movies, damn it! But the plan was still to play it safe and release this stupid film about flight attendants battling loose vipers as a fun-for-like-30% of the family PG-13 flick.
But a few fans had other ideas. Specifically, they wanted Samuel L. Jackson to swear more. Also boobs. Go on! The film's most famous line about certain snakes that wanted to do terrible things to your mother was never in the original script. That bit of cinematic magic was birthed by two friends who worked together at a Maryland audio company. They got so excited about snakes on a plane's potential, they created a fake, audio-only trailer featuring a Samuel L. Jackson impersonator. And the reaction to this trailer, and in particular that now in from this line, was overwhelmingly positive. Producers, eager to capitalize on the film's sudden R-rated attention, went ahead and ordered five days of reshoots to add additional gore, nudity, and of course F-fobs. So there you go. Small moves are improved, with 30% more boobs, 60% more swears, and 120% more Samuel L. Jackson.
It's a recipe for success. The stop-motion Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is one of those Christmas specials that will probably air every single year until the planet explodes, or until they release a live-action remake with a computer-generated Hermes so realistic our love lives just crumble. A big reason for the film's enduring popularity is the heartwarming way it resolves all of its myriad subplots. Rudolph becomes an important addition to the sleigh team, Hermes becomes the world's sexiest elf dentist, and the misfit toys are rescued from their island of eternal loneliness and shame.
Except the film wasn't always that happy, it was actually kind of grim. No, well, if that's all. What?
See, when the film first aired back in 1964, the makers of Rudolph didn't give two wet ginger snaps about those misfit toys. The original cut basically saw Rudolph arrive on the island, take note of the crappy inhabitants, and then wander away for other adventures. The misfit toys were just a strange, entirely forgettable pit stop on Rudolph's quest for purpose.
My name is... Don't tell me. Jack. No. Charlie.
However, many, presumably young, viewers wrote in to NBC demanding to know what happened to the silly king moon racer and the psychologically broken dolly. Wake up! NBC executives were surprised because they, like Rudolph, couldn't imagine anybody caring about something so not popular or profitable. I don't know why they're pissing on their shoes. Charlie! But they capitulated to the angry masses and ordered additional material be shot, and every broadcast since has included the new scene in which Santa saves the toys. It's only like one year's worth of kids spent Christmas Eve wondering if they too would one day be unloved and forgotten because they weren't cute enough. Christmas?
Why am I such a misfit? Sylvester Stallone has built an entire career out of doing things on film that are clearly impossible for him in real life.
Like, speaking clearly. Yes! I love John Cohen and the Barbarian!
You'd think audiences would just accept any crazy idea Stallone has at this point, like, I don't know, flying a tank into a helicopter, which is the thing he actually did. And yet, when the trailer for Cliffhanger included a scene where Stallone leaps some 40 feet from one cliff to another, audiences the world over sat upright in their chairs and collectively said, nah, that's a bullsh-t! Nah, that's a bullsh-t! To P's audiences, whose suspension of belief was as tenuous as Stallone's grip in every third Cliffhanger scene, producers tried to edit the jump into something more believable. But when I say try, remember this was 1993 and the team had originally literally hurled Stallone's burly ass from cliff to cliff using old-fashioned stunt techniques. That meant, short of flying Stallone back to the Rocky Balboa Mountains, the only available option was employing rudimentary CGI to artificially bring the cliffs closer. It's probably the only time in history CGI was expressly used to make something less awesome.
Over the years, Denzel Washington has taken on many powerful roles, forcing audiences to confront the nature of racism. He's been slurred at more times than anybody could count, and he's even been whipped on screen. But there's still one racially challenging thing he rarely gets to do.
Kiss a white lady. Despite starring in some 30-plus movies, Denzel's only ever kissed a white woman in two of them, Malcolm X and Flight. That's a pretty low count for one of the most kissable actors of all time in an industry populated by mostly white actresses. So what's the deal? Is it because the white man won't risk letting his women kiss the sexiest man alive?
And yes, I'm scared of that, but no, that's not the reason. Back in 1989, when Denzel screen-tested his sixth film, The Mighty Quinn, audiences straight-up freakin' booed a love scene he shared with Mimi Rogers. Not because Mimi and Denzel weren't naked enough, they hated seeing Washington mash faces with a white woman. And it wasn't who you think, either. According to Washington, the hecklers were mostly black women.
An embarrassed Denzel asked producers to cut the scene, and from that moment on, he took it upon himself to kiss as few white lips as possible. As you might expect, this news was tragic for his co-stars. The sisters will never forgive me, he explained, when the team floated the idea of him kissing Julia Roberts in the Pelican brief, much to her very thirsty dismay. And the same thing happened when Kelly Lynch pleaded for a smooch in 1995's Virtuosity. There were also rumors that Washington demanded a love scene be cut from Man on Fire. The fact that many of these scenes were cut, rather than just never filmed at all, shows that Denzel has continued to struggle with this for decades. It really sucks that one prejudiced incident could haunt one of our greatest actors for this long.
And to waste one of those rare kisses on freakin' flight? The movie where he interchangeably uses cocaine and alcohol to cancel each other out so he could fly an airplane upside down? This is terrible!
Thank you, brother. You're done. I'm back.
Okay, so I see that 69% of respondents would be okay seeing Costner uncut, 100% of you said that you would press your lips against Denzel Washington if given the chance, and you all gave Arata-Con's a failing score again. What if I could get Denzel Washington to kiss Costner's? Yes!
Oh my god, uh, sir, I didn't realize you were still here. Gotta get paid. Yeah, okay, well how about you could see Kathy on your way out to get some drugs for your anal clamping? I certainly don't have that, but I will take the drugs. It's important to note where the period is in an immediately, because this is a Masters of Education, and not a medical doctor. People frequently confuse those things. I am actually those things. |
SaturdayNightLive | snake_eyes_snl | Barkeep! One whiskey!
Don't think I've seen you around before. what brings you through? none of your business. pour the drink and move along. Hey, I don't want any trouble. Now, I wouldn't mind shooting the breeze with you, Little Miss Brown-eyes. quit looking at my eyes and reading my lips. not interested. Oh, come on. at least let me pick up your tab. Pretty little thing like you shouldn't have to pay.
Oh, fella, if you know what's good for you, you'll get up out of here. you just made a pass at Lexi. that's Snake Eyes, girl. Oh, you're in big trouble. Harry comes now. Oh, no. Snake Eyes Gonna Kill you. Now, Snake Eyes, come on. he didn't know. hush up. Now you listen to me. if you're thinking about being sweet on my girl, I got just one thing to say. you better not. baby. Lexi, zip it and cut.
Now, friend, I'm gonna give you to the count of ten. Count of Ten To what? to quit being a butt. or else I'm gonna have to introduce you to my two friends. kill it and knock it off. Well, then go ahead and start counting. have it your way.
Hey, look at me. One, two, I am not kidding around here. three, ooh, I'm mad. Fella, you better get the last guy who let snake eyes get to tennis sitting right over there. Oh, man, what happened to him? let's just say he poked the bear and got the paw. something seems like you might be learning about around here right now and a little bit coming up right here. I'll let me tell you why I'm fixing to do to you, all right? First time I hit you with one of these. you better watch it, pal. Snake Eyes' looks can kill. I ain't worried. I've been known to shoot a few looks myself. All right, Buster, I warned you. here it comes. almost got me with that. But what do you think about this?
Oh, one of my stars. looks like old Snake Eyes just ran out of luck. Good fight, Snake Eyes. I'm sorry it has to end like this. you have my respect. You can't die, Snake Eyes.
I'm pregnant. you're gonna have a son. you mean it? Oh, shoot. muster, I know who you are, but you go and marry Lexi, and you raise that boy. you teach him right from wrong and how to fight and when to just knock it off. I will, Snake Eyes. I will. |
TheOnion | Target_Now_Offering_Snipers_To_Take_Out_Other_Shoppers_For_Black_Friday | This Black Friday, Target will finally allow customers to hire snipers to take out other shoppers. Target has confirmed the store has already hired hundreds of part-time seasonal snipers customers can use to pick off anyone who comes within 10 feet of the TV or Apple watch on their holiday shopping list. CEO Brian Cornell stated, this Black Friday at Target, you'll almost feel guilty about how much money you save. Target snipers will also help keep customers safe by cutting down on the size of crowds. Happy shopping.
Good news, commuters. The Department of Transportation just added nitro strips to the nation's highways. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg announced the new red and blue booster strips, which will help launch drivers at over 525 miles per hour using jump ramps and loop-de-loops that will send them flying high over any traffic jams. Unfortunately, Secretary Buttigieg ended the press conference before he could answer any questions about the thousands of fatalities caused by drivers crashing through explosive TNT crates. While the U.S. has long envied the nitro strips on German and Japanese highways, the new plan will finally let Americans launch off an oil slick and yell, yippee, yabba-dah!
Kansas City Chiefs fans, can you name one Taylor Swift song? There's probably one called like Break Up or Something. I Want to Say, Mouth for War. Cowboys from Hell, I'm Going to Kill and Eat Travis Kelsey. Didn't she write the national anthem? She does a great parody of American Pie all about Star Wars. You think just because I'm a Chiefs fan, I don't know who Taylor Swift is?
I know her entire discography. I know everyone in her squad. I know what city she was born in, her current location, and her exact age down to the second. She's 33 years, nine months, three weeks, six days, 10 hours, three minutes, and 36 seconds. Next, John Mayer is a pedo, Taylor's version. |
TheOnion | Couple_Making_Out_At_Bus_Stop_Like_It_s_Fucking_Paris | According to locals waiting for a 66 bus in downtown Chicago last night, a young couple was making out in the passenger shelter like they were in fucking Paris or something. Onlookers spoke to reporters about the pair, who carried on their passionate embrace for over 20 minutes as if they were in some sort of goddamn candle of bistro tucked away in Montmartre. It's been almost a half an hour and they're still going at it. It's like they think they're sitting on a sun-dappled picnic blanket in the Tuileries gardens. I mean, where the hell are we? The Champs-Elysees? The Paris Marathon makeout session, which took place in downtown Chicago and not, as frustrated onlookers emphasized, on a cobblestone street in the city of fucking lights, featured intense gazing, deep tongue kissing, and other gestures of affection typically reserved for a couple strolling down the banks of the Seine River. You'd think he was a G.I. reuniting with his lover in front of the Arc de Fucking Triomphe in post-war France. You know, for a second there I honestly thought we'd all been transported to Parc Monceau, you know, drinking flutes of champagne on a wonderful summer afternoon while being serenaded by a Parisian accordion player. But no, we're at a bus stop in fucking Chicago. Christ almighty. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_boombox_saturday_night_live | Imagine in your mind a posh country club, the stuffy old money where the poor get stubbed, the spread is bland, sauerkraut and foil goose. There's no way these people will ever cut loose. But then I walk in the room, hold my boombox high and what happened next will blow your mind. Everything got out of control. The music was so interesting. Everyone got out on the floor. it was a bunch of old white people dancing a Big Apple where people never dance, spirits go down while profits expand. The cops or the dealers, who's got the juice? the street vendors peddling their boiled goose. So many types of people, they'll never get along till I bust out my boombox and play this song. The music washed away all the hay and society started advancing.
Every demographic was represented. It was a rainbow coalition of dancing. Woah, everyone was wearing fingerless gloves.
Woah, I saw a Spanish guy doing the barfing transport. Now to an old folks home with the elderly tossed on their brittle bones. The border leads to stealing, there's no excuse. Everything for lunch they eat. but you're good.
So I grabbed my boombox and hit the turbo base and what happened next was the total disgrace. Everybody started out on sex. The music was way too powerful. a bunch of old people f***ing to say the least.
A boombox can change the world, but you gotta know your limits with a boombox. But this was a cautionary tale. A boombox did not attack. |
SaturdayNightLive | rita_s_new_car_saturday_night_live | Yeah, I'll say fall is finally here. Hada. yeah, I'll tell you I give my right arm for a Mexican with a leaf blower.
You too? Yeah. one second. one second. Okay kids, listen up cuz I'm gonna say this once and once. Only the first one of you who jump in my pile of leaves, all right, will be raking up their teeth. You mess with the skunk, you get the stink. Yeah, try me bastard. try me.
Oh yeah, we're all excited about the new car.
Bell You kidding? My husband should be home with it any minute. What? It's a Cadillac Cotera Bell. Oh Bell, are you kidding?
I got my St. Christopher snacks. you all set for the dashboard? Yeah, come on over, Honey. come on. No, have a welcome home new car Meatball on the porch. There you go. All right Mrs. Novacchio, where's your new car? Oh, it should be here any minute. Telling one meatball a piece.
What? Hey, hey you little dumb Deluis.
I see. Okay, use a napkin. The china is for the adults. Hey, what family doesn't have a new caddy with a passenger side airbag for my passenger side windbag? Hey, hey, really. go over there and feel a thing. see. it feels just like my chest.
Go ahead. will you take me for a ride? Mr. Del Vecchio, Take you for a ride on the tip of my shoe.
Get out of here and keep the meatballs away from the cap. Oh, stop it.
I saw the trunk space. that's beautiful. What are you kidding me? What else we can rent this thing out like a hearse? you know what I mean? you gotta check this. We got a little jack. we got the club. we got a wheel locks and listen to the alarm. Back away from the friggin' car. Listen: are you ready to christen the caddy? huh With the first ride, My beautiful Bride presentable. Whoa. I'm ready.
My little victim own. Hi Rita. Hi Vincent. how you doing? Hello Janelle.
You know, we'd love to stay in chat, but as you can see, we're getting ready to take a drive in our Cadillac Katera aka New Caddy Rita, You're gonna love it. you're gonna have to move the seat up though. I had to move it back what with me being so tall and leggy and stuff.
What? Wait a second? You wrote in my new car first? Wait a second.
No, your bony ass was in my Katera before me. No, no, you. You gave Latoya Jackson all right before your wife. What do I do? she's at the bus stop, Who's on the way home? I was like for a hair appointment. Rita. come on. What? You don't have Chloroxidone. You heard me, bitch. All right, don't start Vincent, I'm gonna go to the Otp. I'll see you later. All right, fine. hey Rita. what are you doing? don't room the day to show off. come on Rita. hey, I'm your James Bond and my passenger seat is for your ass only.
Come on there you go. Hey, come on my little fire plug. Oh good.
Now something a dog pisses on now don't would be lucky to tinkle all over you baby. you mean it What? I mean it. Listen, you better believe it cuz you know what I'm doing this weekend. I'm putting you in the caddy and I'm whisking you away the whole time.
All we can. my wife for 33 years, All right, I'm driving you over the bridge. No, that's right, I'll take you to Atlantic City to see Frank. No, so long.
He's just as good. |
TheOnion | Can_The_Browns_Still_Rely_On_Josh_Gordon_For_Quality_Weed | The big news this week is that Josh Gordon has been reinstated by the NFL. But after this many years, how much can the Browns rely on Gordon for quality wheat? There's no doubt Gordon used to be one of the best hookups in the league. The Browns knew he was good for at least a half ounce every week. And it was good stuff, too. None of this ditch shit. But that was three years ago, and you gotta wonder if he still has the same contacts he used to. After a few suspensions and rehab, he might not be the same go-to ganja connection he was in 2013. But 0-8? You know the Browns need his stuff more than ever. Okay, coming up. After the Giants' disastrous start this year, what are the odds Ben McAdoo loses his virginity?
Okay, so I gotta tell all the LeBron fans out there something important. LeBron James will never be as great as Michael Jordan until he rides the bench on a minor league baseball team. Yes, James has got the stats, and he's got a few championship rings and MVP trophies. And until he hits .234 for a AA team in southeast Missouri, he's never gonna be on the same level as Jordan. LeBron, to be the greatest of all time, to be the king, you need to leave the NBA at your peak, struggle in spring training for the Southern League, and then return to the Cavs. Jordan put the Bulls on his back for three straight championships, and then he chased fastballs and struggled to field on the baseball diamond.
You do that, and then maybe we can talk about you topping MJ. Okay, coming up. Have I wasted the past 20 years of my life talking about basketball? We're taking calls. |
cracked | why_beauty_and_the_beast_is_darker_than_you_remember_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Disney's Beauty and the Beast is about a selfish prince who is cursed when he refuses an old beggar woman who asked for lodging in exchange for a single rose. The beggar woman reveals herself to be a powerful enchantress who puts a spell on the prince and everyone in his employ. All of his staff members become household objects and he himself is turned into a hideous beast. A shamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world.
Except windows, right? Like window windows? I don't... We had a lot to cover this episode and I don't want to obsess over the prologue or anything, but it just feels weird and disingenuous to me when we're saying the mirror is his only window to the outside world when it itself is positioned very near a window.
The Enchantress did end up giving him that rose, but it was a special rose. Which would bloom until his 21st year if he could learn to love another and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell. So the flower will bloom until his 21st year and in the B.R. guest song, they mentioned that they had been waiting for someone to break the curse for 10 years, so that means when the haggard old beggar woman asked for lodging in exchange for a rose, the prince was a child?
Yes, he was. Daniel I'm not just wildly speculating here, Disney released a prequels of the film that clearly shows that the prince was a little kid when the beggar showed up. So my question is the first. What the fuck? You got a prince, a little kid prince, just a prince, no king, no queen, no parents around, so he got this little bastard child prince all by himself and then this creepy old one eyed woman shows up asking for a place to stay in exchange for some bullshit she pulled out of the ground? Of course you turn her away. Do not let that woman in. That's not the prince being selfish and superficial, that's a child making a responsible decision when it comes to strangers. Disney is telling the kids at home, don't judge a book by its cover, let the freaky people into your home all the time, it's fine. And he was right, to be skeptical, the girl was a witch, or enchantress, but that's just white people witch, let's be real here. The prince probably turned her away because he saw a bunch of old Disney movies and in Disney movies, whatever a creepy looking person is trying to hand you something, that's poison, it's always poison. This is no ordinary apple, it's a magic wishing apple. This one just cursed him, which brings me to question two. What is love, that's, I'm not asking, I'm not a robot, that's the kid, the kid, the prince should be asking that, because the way to break this curse is to love and be loved in return.
By the time he is 21 years old, bullshit, almost no one is emotionally mature enough to find real, serious love connections at 21. And most of us aren't even motherless beasts. Some of us, sure, some of you I bet, absolutely, but most of us, nope. And now this child, who remember is a child, has to go through the nightmare of puberty while being a beast and has the added pressure of trying to get someone to fall in love with him by the time he turns 21 on top of everything else. When Bell shows up at the castle, he is a 20 year old orphan virgin beast, and he has a very short amount of time to establish a very complex emotional connection with the only girl his age he has ever met. And the pressure isn't just on him, if he doesn't find love, his entire staff will just be brooms and coat racks and hats forever. Ryan Gosling couldn't get someone to fall in love with him under those circumstances and his dick is made of Ryan Gosling's dick.
Seriously? It's like you're photoshopped. You're running out of time, shouldn't have spent all that time on the prologue. Okay, put a minute on the clock, lightning round of Beauty and the Beast questions go.
Why doesn't the beast know how to use silverware? He used to be a man for a while, he still knows how to put pants on. Why is the silverware problem?
Where does Belle get the dress that she's wearing? Also, and be our guest, there's a hundred fucking dancing forks and spoons and knives and cups. A, how many staff members does this castle actually have slash need? B, where are the real plates in this world? C, is Belle then eating off people's faces? She dipping a face into a face and then eating it?
Hey, how do the broom and the candle have sex with each other? And Chip, he's eight. Mrs. Potts is a fucking hundred. He calls her mama.
There's a story there, Mrs. Potts, and America wants to know, are they still getting fresh food delivered? It looks like they are. Is someone supplying them with fresh food and that's not weird for anyone?
What's the great stuff? Lumiere that you're getting supplied? The great stuff that's delicious?
What's the story there? Hey, this kid used to be a prince. Is there? Is no... Ah. Farts. Uh, that's my least favorite episode.
Thanks for sticking with me. Join us next week when our topic will be seven historical figures you may or may not want to have dinner with. Pretty open. Could go either way, it sounds like. Well, I guess I'll see you next time. Hey DJ, drop me some beauty in the beats. Hey. Ok guys, the campaign to put me, Katy Stoll, in every crack scratch continues. A few examples, Agents of Stoll House. After hours about me Katie stole it can cut the clips of me into my various acting capacities cartoons of me I look adorable as a Disney princess KT TV the new crack TV 2.0 The possibilities are endless Subscribe only you can make a difference |
dropout | drinking_soda_contest_feat_ben_schwartz | I'm home.
Oh god. What just happened? No. Oh god. When George burns. I know. What just happened? Robert De Niro.
Very nice. I know it's nice.
You trying to float that part of my fucking face? What? You think you can drink more soda than me? I know I think I can drink more soda than you. Really?
You gonna make a bet? Maybe throw down a contest? A drinking soda contest? I don't know, last time we had a contest I ended up in the hospital. It was a let's so you can get to the hospital quicker contest.
That's right, and I won. If you flaunt it in front of me one more time, I'm gonna slap your nose off your fucking face. Alright, let's do it. Ground rules go. Whoever drinks all six bottles first wins, and that's it. Absolutely, that's the only rule.
Also, you have to drink all six bottles of these sodas. You have to drink all six bottles. You have to consume all six of these bottles. All bottles? Drunk.
Deal. Six of them? Deal. Six of them? Deal. Can I have one more roll? I don't want it to be six.
It's too late. What are you doing? You idiot. I read somewhere this is the best way to get it down. The bun or the soda? Fuck. Hey, what's the name of that actor? Chris Cooper. Haven't given you a hint yet.
He's got a real raspy voice. Raspy? No, you just used it for a rasp and popped it in there.
He's a legend. I'm a legend. No, it's the name of a film. He's got a big ol' veiny cock.
Clint Eastwood? Yeah, Clint Eastwood.
Last night I drank so much. What happened? I don't remember.
It was a duck blur. Raspberries? Lasers? Aeroplanes. Yeah, I told you it was a duck blur. Wow, man, these are spicy.
Where'd you get them? I got it from Jerusalem. Yeah, I was about to take it to Jerusalem.
You did the hummus. Hummus.
I can't feel my arm. I can. Thank God. I did the man.
And my heart is set on you. Nothing but love.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You kissed me. What? Nothing. Done. How many did you have? One. How many did you have? I had 11. What? I'm fucking 11. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, God. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_jerry_seinfeld_chloe_fineman_and_marcello_hernandez_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. good evening. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, it's the first show of Spring, so we'll start tonight with puppy murder.
In a new book, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem revealed that she once shot a dog that was untrainable. that's insane. if a dog is untrainable, you don't shoot it. you give it to President Biden. Maga. Insiders are saying that Noem, seen here wearing the hair of that dog, now has zero chance of being Trump's running mate. But I don't know. something tells me Trump would fully support killing disobedient pets. Insiders said that during his Hush Money trial, Donald Trump complained that none of his supporters were in court with him. But that's not true. What about all those cops? Former President Donald Trump, seen here definitely not sleeping, is probably just praying. Former President Trump, for the first time in his trial, wrote a message on a yellow post-it note and handed it to his lawyer while he was making an argument. the post-it read simply, can't pay you. officials at Columbia University complained that protesters broke windows and destroyed school property.
But so what? college kids also do that when they win the final four. Also, you're a university. if you really don't want students to freak out, stop telling them the truth. that's my advice for school and relationships. President Biden said that the National Guard should not be called in to deal with campus protests, but I'm just happy that he's finally not sending military aid somewhere. that was my best joke comment.
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene said next week she will force a vote to oust House Speaker Mike Johnson. And if there's one thing I bet she's amazing at, it's driving men away. During a campaign event marking the start of Asian-american and Pacific Islander Heritage Month, President Biden criticized Japan as being xenophobic, which is crazy, because why would the Japanese be scared of foreigners?
Oh, my God, great. Oh, my God, Drake just dropped another disc record, guys. I'm just kidding. I just say that when I bomb.
Florida's new abortion ban means that the majority of women in the South will have to travel more than 300 miles for the procedure. on the plus side, you can get free travel to New York by disguising yourself as a migrant. A new poll shows that supporters of President Biden and Donald Trump are sharply divided over where they get their news from. people who support Biden are more likely to get their news from newspapers and mainstream media, while Trump supporters get their news from t-shirts. Donald Trump also told supporters that if he's elected, he will focus on anti-white racism.
Thank God. my people have suffered long enough. Sorry, Che, but time's up. I knew it was gonna come out of you someday. Today was the 150th running of the Kentucky Derby, also known among horses as Squid Game. South Dakota Governor Trump's potential Vp kick pick, Kristi Noem, is being criticized for writing in her memoir about shooting her 14-month-old puppy, Cricket. here to defend her is Kristi Noem's other dog. can you shake? do you do paw?
Yeah, sure. it's great to see you. Wait, so your name is also Cricket? my name is actually Cricket The Seventh. The seventh? Yeah, the first six were bad dogs, Colin, But you know what they say, Lucky Number Seven, right? Yeah, sure.
So you're here to defend Kristi Noem? of course. she's a great owner. she's a great dog owner. all this stuff about killing animals is just media spin. yeah, but she wrote about it in her own book. I can't read. I'm a dog. right, But you know what media spin is? Look, the dog was the problem. barking, eating every day. who does that?
If she didn't kill him, I would. Wow, so you're Team Kristi? Team Kristi for life, for my very long life. Please, I love you, Kristi.
All right, it just seems underneath it like you're a little scared. scared. I'm not scared. I have a great life. she gets me so many toys. she even got me one of those dog button mats. you can press the dock. check it out. you could say run or hungry. it's super fun. Look, ready? she is going to kill me. Cricket. what? these are like broken or something. that's not what I meant to say. I die tonight. Oh, my God. Listen, buddy, it's going to be okay. don't make any sudden movements, man. Sorry, man. it's cool. it's cool. My point is that she's the best. it's like they say, I don't know if she rescued me or if I'm going to get shot in the face. that's not what they say. Cricket, you know Kristi well.
Why do you think she wrote these stories in her book? I told you, Colin. I can't read. she thought Trump would like it. So she wrote the book that seemed tough for Trump? I don't even know who that is. But she's not invited to Mar-a-lago. one of the dog buttons is Mar-a-lago? You know she's writing another book. she keeps saying, you better behave or you're going to go in the book. Oh, my God. so she just kills all her animals? Yeah, Colin. she kills all her animals. you wrote me a note? I wasn't being sarcastic. why would you read that out loud?
Cricket, everyone. I'm a good boy. she's a good boy. it was announced that both Boomer Sison and Phil Simms are leaving Cbs's the Nfl Today. the former quarterback said they want to spend more time figuring out which one is which. fans of the children's show Bluey, are saying that a line in a recent episode hinted that Bluey's mom used to go to a park to smoke marijuana. Meanwhile, over at Cocomelon, every baby's on acid. just hours ago, the Kentucky Derby was won in a photo finish by Mystic Dan. Mystic Dan is also the guy who sells acid to Cocomelon. it was reported that Sylvester Stallone is writing a memoir. the memoir is 300 pages long and has a word count of one. hey, hey, you and me. that's good acting, right, Colin? you like that? I've been working on it all. an elementary school teacher in Wisconsin was arrested after she allegedly made out with one of her fifth-grade students just months before her wedding, which is why you should never have your bachelorette party at Chuck E. Cheese.
Well, former child star Jojo Siwa just released her first grown-up single, Karma, and surprised fans by debuting a new good-girl-gone-bad persona. here to comment is: Jojo Siwa. Wow. Oh, my God, Jojo. that's what I call it. I'm about. yeah, Jojo, this is a very different look. you know, we're all used to you wearing outfits like this. but now it's this. Yeah, I mean, that's a pretty big change.
I used to be rainbow sparkles, and now I'm Black sparkles. I look like if a figure skater joined a street gang. Yeah, I was gonna say if Mad Max was on Broadway. does it scare you, Colin? does a former child star looking like this scare you? Uh, yeah, but not in the way you're hoping. Yeah, I'm in my bad-girl era. do cigarettes. what? it's very natural. I'm sorry, you can't smoke in here unless you're Dave Chappelle. Well, then I'll just hide it in my breast part of my body suit for later. Very cool. Yeah, so how are people reacting to your transformation? it's been called Dutsey, brave, and revolutionary. right, and who are those quotes attributed to? Me. I'm very cocky. that's what she said. But seriously, though, Colin, I completely reinvented myself.
I mean, no one my age has done this. Yeah, and how old are you, Jojo? well, from 2011 to 2023, I was eight. but now I'm 20 and gay. Bet you never met a gay girl before. Yeah, well, as a matter of fact, a lot of the women I dated turned gay. thank you very much. But Jojo, you were quoted as saying you invented a new genre of music. that's right, gay.
I think that's maybe just pop. But I have to ask, why are you doing this? Because I'm an artist, Colin. I'm holding a mirror up to society and then I'm holding that mirror up to myself and thinking, whoa, that's what I look like? because that's crazy. Hit the track!
Jojo, Siwa, everyone. that's so true! nearly 100,000 pounds of sliced prosciutto is being recalled for not being inspected properly, which is weird because I thought prosciutto inspector was just an Italian slur for gay. The prosciutto inspector?
No? just too warm. this is a really rough episode for you, Colin. an 11-day cruise is being offered next year from Miami to the Caribbean, in which passengers will be nude. the cruise will offer pickleball, cornhole, and also games. a new report chronicles a disorder called sexomnia in which people try to have sex while they're asleep. the report was written by someone named Phil Fosby. May is national masturbation, mom, so stop knocking on my dressing room door. don't encourage. having a real rough time, now. Guys, oftentimes when an actor is promoting a new movie, let's say, a Netflix movie, they have to do a lot of press, sometimes too much press. here to comment is a man who did too much press. hello, hello, thank you for being here. Sure, sure. where am I exactly? you're on weekend update. Oh, is this a podcast? No, no, you're on Saturday Night Live. Oh, I'm live Tv. Oh, my God. I got to stop.
Yeah, you've kind of been everywhere. I mean, I've seen you, I even saw you on Rich Eisen. I wasn't on Rich Eisen. No, you were. I saw it. I like Rich Eisen. I find him accessible.
Yeah, yeah. it's a sports show. I know, I know that now. Well, for the viewers, how does someone know that they're doing excessive press? Well, that's the thing, you don't know.
I mean, until someone who cares about you shows you a video package, and you see yourself with people with these names, Hoda, Morocco, Chanel, Vlad. Vlad? Yeah, I talked to a guy named Vlad.
Oh, I can't undo all the press I've done, but I want to help other people. if you're struggling with press, you're not alone. I'm talking to you, Ryan Gosling. when I started doing press front frosted, I was like you, funny, good-looking. Now look at me. you think this is how I wanted to spend my 26th birthday? But you can get clean. Oh, I'm sorry. is that your phone? yeah, excuse me.
Univision? yeah, I'm ready. No, he's doing another interview? So what is it, Spanish? yeah, fine. what is the dialect? Catalan? yeah, I can do that. who's the host, Popi?
Pippa? I think we've lost him. Hola, Pippa.
I love your show. Are you kidding? all the time. that's correct, Pippa. Unfrosted is a delightful crazy tale with some of your favorite funny people as you've never seen them before. the man who did too much press, ladies and gentlemen. |
TheOnion | This_Week_In_History_Holy_Shit_Man_Walks_On_Fucking_Moon | From the creation of a Bible in 1912 by a struggling Baltimore book salesman, to the day in 1493 when Christopher Columbus and his crew looked back on their voyage and realized what they truly discovered was themselves, the Onion looks back at this week in history. On July 17, 1980, Ronald Reagan accepted the nomination for president at the Republican National Convention in Detroit and delivered a speech in which he boldly promised that during his presidency someone would body slam Andre the Giant. While admitting that the road would be long and hard and that it might take as long as seven years and two Wrestlemanias to get there, the former California governor vowed that under his administration somebody, perhaps Ricky the Dragon Steamboat or a hulked up Hulk Hogan, would grab hold of a 500 pound behemoth and send his massive body smashing to the mat. The Republican nominee also went on to promise that by the end of his first term, Joni would marry Chachi, hair metal would achieve mainstream airplay, and Shelly Long would successfully make the leap from television to film.
On July 21, 1969, astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first human to set foot on the surface of the moon. The fucking moon for Christ's sake. This is Tranquility Base, the Eagle has landed. We're on the fucking Lutely M stand.
On July 21, 2007, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the final installment in the widely popular Harry Potter series was released and sold 15 million copies in the first 24 hours as excited fans all over the world eagerly flipped to the book's final pages to find out if Harry and Lord Voldemort finally fuck. By the time the seventh book was released, author J.K. Rowling had already succeeded in creating one of the most popular literary franchises of all time. And of course, much of that success was owed to the expertly crafted sexual tension that steadily built up between the series' protagonist, schoolboy wizard Harry Potter, and the Dark Lord Voldemort. Everyone in the country wanted to know whether or not they would fuck and if they did fuck, how many times would they fuck and who would be fucking who? Speaking purely as a fan and not as a historian, I lined up along with everyone else the night of the release, and as soon as they let us in the store, I flipped to the end of the book, not just to see if they fucked, but also to see whether or not they sucked each other off or at least gave each other hand jobs. Also, I was pretty curious to see how many fingers Harry could fit into Voldemort's asshole. And that was what happened this week in history. In the words of Mother Teresa, if there is one lesson to learn from the past, it's that no matter what you do or how hard you work, there will always be a bunch more crippled dying kids. |
cracked | bitcoin_rap_ms_werd_and_cracked_at_sxsw | Hi, you two and we are in wonderful Austin, Texas at South by Southwest.
This is the Giant lovely house that cracks is decided to put us up in in which cracks is decided to put us up and they are not cursing a Rap that Michael wrote about bitcoins that we're going to perform tomorrow at the interactive Awards So you're getting exclusive Well, you're not gonna lease it before the interactive award. No, you'll be seeing this long after everyone's will all be dead Yeah, you're gonna see it Michael wrote about bitcoins.
Couldn't play guitar.
I'm gonna beat box as well as I can End of speech more like awesome, Texas. I'm just pandering Shit is extraneous plan to hack store you with the PDF pages Flag on this lane is so, you know how the game is a kid's name is MS words back this track by cracks And in case you aces hadn't heard this Bitcoin shit is frat So open up your head holes and use them on my sound box I'm the motherfucker who just bankrupted Mount God still the summit like I've been Hillary a summer So so much gold crabs never gonna come back now I'm making it rain be points for days, which is tough because they're fake But it's like the man says virtual currencies a virtue of her see it So come you don't look a little downstream to me. Who is that man me? I'm the man I am likes nuts at flex coin now. They're like my aunt Mard Well, I'm on a date with a great gal asked if I could give her my tip. Call me PayPal Thought she flipped from a farm's full of bitcoins thought you've gotten millions could get it to split loins No dice, but no use crowd over spill chode at least I took the NSA to Pirate Bay and Silk Road I'm internet rich internet famous all these other bitches shit is extraneous even if you don't know what my name is I'm the one who made all your accounts the same is internet rich internet famous all these other bitches shit's extraneous Even if you don't know what my name is, I'm the one who made all your accounts the same.
Is that right?
I'm an asshole what the net made me I'll increase your hassle factor make you hate me Like if I saw a post said you lost your long cat man. I would cop that so you're mean never got back And I ain't stopping.
I'm a poor city organism. I'm the reason Facebook keeps updating their algorithm I'm the one who ate all your favorite tweets then got my own feed option for TV So call me if you need a debit number or three. I got 40 million from T AR G ET Don't believe I'm a one-man hacking movement and I dare the real dudes to stand up now and prove it See absolute confirmation when your email loads. It's cuz I'm on vacation. I made hoverboards not real and been asked like Batman I'm the reason your grandma can't download an attachment Seven your cash fast siphoning your swagger meet the man that crashed the market for the hamburger dagger I love making money off you wacky nerds anybody want to buy my phone.
It's got flappy birds Whoo, can I just do we have to do it why that was good? That was so good.
Let's just show this tape at the awards Okay guys a while ago I told you that if you really wanted to marry me like a lot of you have claimed Then to man up to offer me a firm proposal and an offer that I can or cannot refuse No one's done it yet, and I'm just wondering if it was something that I did. I don't know I I don't know if there's something else that you want from me To get these proposals coming, but I'm funny. I'm great around the house I have a cat so if you don't want to marry me Katie Stoll, please please please Submit your proposals online and subscribe But most importantly you must subscribe please Form tomorrow at the interactive Awards So you're getting exclusive Well, you're not gonna release it before the interactive award.
I don't know you'll be seeing this long after everyone's will all be dead Yeah, you're gonna see what about bitcoins couldn't play guitar. I'm gonna beat box as well as I can End of speech more like awesome, Texas.
I'm just pandering Yo, I'm internet rich internet famous all these other bitches shit's It's strange is when I hijack you Wikipedia pages flag of this lameness. So, you know how the game is internet rich internet famous all these other bitches shit is extraneous when I hack store you Wikipedia pages Flag of this lameness. So, you know how the game is a kid's name is MS word backs this track by cracks And in case you aces hadn't heard this Bitcoin shit is fracked So open up your head holes and use them on my sound box I'm a motherfucker who just bankrupted Mount God still the summit like I've been Hillary and some I So so much gold crabs never gonna come back now I'm making it rain bitcoins for days, which is tough cuz they're fake But it's like the man says virtual currencies a virtual cut see it soak up your dough and float a little downstream to me Who is that man me? I'm the man I am flex nuts at flex coin now. They're like my aunt Mard Well, I'm on a date with a great gal asked if I could give her my tip call me PayPal Thought she'd flip from a farm's full of bitcoins thought you've gotten millions could get it as split loins No dice, but no use crowd over spill chode At least I took the NSA to Pirate Bay and Silk Road. I'm internet rich internet famous all these other bitches shit is extraneous Even if you don't know what my name is I'm the one who made all your accounts the same jizz internet rich internet famous all these other bitches shit It's strange even if you don't know what my name is. I'm the ones that make all your accounts the same jizz That's right.
I'm an asshole. What the net made me I'll increase your hassle factor make you hate me like if I saw a post said you lost your long cat man I would come back. See you mean never got back and I ain't stopping.
I'm a parasitic organism I'm the reason Facebook keeps updating their algorithm I'm the one who ate all your favorite tweets then got my own feed options for TV So call me if you need a debit number or three. I got 40 million from t-a-r-g-e-t Don't believe I'm a one-man hacking movement and I dare the real dudes to stand up now and prove it See absolute confirmation when your email loads. It's cuz I'm on vacation. I made hoverboards not real and Ben asked like Batman I'm the reason your grandma can't download an attachment Stepping your cash fast siphoning your swagger meet the man that crashed the market for the hamburger dagger I love making money off you wacky nerds anybody want to buy my phone.
It's got flappy birds Whoo, can I just do we have to do it?
Why is that was good? That was so good.
Let's just Let's just show this tape at the awards Okay guys a while ago I told you that if you really wanted to marry me like a lot of you have claimed Then to man up to offer me a firm proposal and an offer that I can or cannot refuse No one's done it yet and I'm just wondering if it was something that I did. I don't know I I don't know if there's something else that you want from me To get these proposals coming, but I'm funny. I'm great around the house I have a cat so if you don't want to marry me Katie stole Please please please submit your proposals online and subscribe But most importantly you must subscribe please |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_a_frozen_embryo_from_alabama_snl | This week, the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that a frozen embryo created through in vitro fertilization is a human being. here to comment is: a frozen embryo from Alabama. Wow. Your accent's kind of all over the place, man. yeah, I don't really talk like that. I'm from Ivf so the only conversations I've had are with a frozen Lean Cuisine. Okay, right. so you don't even know like who your parents are, huh? No Colin. But based on my accent and size, I'm gonna guess Sofia Vergara and Danny Devito. Okay, all right. Well, I have to ask. as an embryo, Do you feel like you're like a full human life? does this look like a life to you, Colin? I'm living at negative 200 degrees in liquid nitrogen, freezing my non-existent nuts off.
I don't got a brain, I don't got a heart, I'm like Tom Sandoval. Hey, so you watch Vanderpump Rule? of course not. I don't even have eyes, Colin, but even I can see that Tom's a pure narcissist.
I'm just happy to be out the freezer. Colin. the freezer's like prison man. No names, only numbers. Once I saw them put my best friend into solitary confinement. Oh wow. Like a jail cell? a womb. nine months they had him in there eating out of a tube. they transferred him to real jail after that, Alabama. real jail. Yeah. gets me upset every time I think about it.
Man, I just gotta sorry. wait, just topping a Zen in your mouth? Yeah, I don't have a mouth, Colin. But yes, I've been doing a couple zins a day. maybe 20 max. All the embryos are doing it. Sure, it might be bad for me, but when that Zen hits, you feel like a god.
Look, Colin, I don't know why society's trying to make me grow up so fast. Why do I have to be a human? can't I just be an embryo for a while? there's so much I still want to do like.
Maybe I'll divide in two and make a twin. I've always wanted a twin.
I think he'd be delicious. so so I guess you think the Alabama Supreme Court went too far? I'm surprised they stopped that embryos. why not say sperm are people too? Put some caution tape around the washcloth in Michael Che's dressing room. that's a crime scene brother. You a mass murderer.
I don't use a washcloth. I use a dish rag. Oh oh, it used to be a dish rag. Now you can cut a loaf of stale bread with it.
How do you know that? I don't know anything. I'm not fully formed. Don't judge me.
I'm just like you, Colin. You know, no discernible talents, just a generic white blob. Okay, and just like you, Colin, I don't feel anything. nothing at all.
Watch. Slap me Colin. not slapping you. Slap me.
Oh, there's an animal within you and now everyone has seen it. this just in. Colin Jost assaults an embryo. Just wait till Alabama hears about this. All right, you need to leave frozen embryo. By the way, how did you even get to New York? The way all bodily fluids travel soaked into the seats of a megabus. Okay, a frozen embryo, everyone. Sweet home Alabama. New York City.
Wow. your accent's kind of all over the place, man. yeah, I don't really talk like that. Uh, I'm from Ivf so the only conversations I've had are with a frozen lean Cuisine. Okay right so you don't even know like who your parents are, huh? no Colin. But based on my accent and size, I'm gonna guess.
Sofia Vergara and Danny Devito.
All right. Well, I have to ask. as an embryo, do you feel like you're like a full human life? does this look like a life to you, Colin? I'm living at negative 200 degrees in liquid nitrogen freezing my non-existent nuts off. I don't got a brain, I don't got a heart. I'm like Tom Sandoval. Hey, so you watch Vanderpump rule? of course not. I don't even have eyes, Colin, but even I can see that Tom's a pure narcissist. I'm just happy to be out the freezer. Colin the freezer's like prison man. No names, only numbers.
Once I saw them put my best friend into solitary confinement. Oh wow. Like a jail cell? a womb! Nine months they had him in there eating out of a tube. they transferred him to real jail After that, Alabama gets me upset every time I think about it.
Man, I just gotta sorry. wait, just topping a Zen in your mouth? Yeah, I don't have a mouth, Colin. But yes, I've been doing a couple zins a day. maybe 20 max. All the embryos are doing it. Sure, it might be bad for me, but when that zen hits, you feel like a god. Look Colin, I don't know why society's trying to make me grow up so fast. Why do I have to be a human? can't I just be an embryo for a while? there's so much I still want to do like.
Maybe I'll divide in two and make a twin. I've always wanted a twin. I think he'd be delicious.
So so I guess you think the Alabama Supreme Court went too far? I'm surprised they stopped that. embryos. Why not say sperm are people too?
Put some caution tape around the washcloth in Michael Che's dressing room. that's a crime scene. brother. you a mass murderer. I don't use a washcloth. I use a dish rag. Oh oh, it used to be a dish rag. Now you can cut a loaf of stale bread with it.
How do you know that? I don't know anything. I'm not fully formed. Don't judge me.
I'm just like you, Colin. You know, no discernible talents, just a generic white blob. And just like you, Colin, I don't feel anything. Nothing at all.
Watch. Slap me, Colin. not slapping. you. Slap Me. Oh, there's an animal within you. and now everyone has seen it. this just in Colin Jost assaults an embryo. Just wait till Alabama hears about this. All right, you need to leave.
Frozen embryo. By the way, how did you even get to New York? The way all bodily fluids travel soaked into the seats of a megabus. Okay, a frozen embryo, everyone. |
dropout | every_week_on_entourage | Previously, on Entourage Yo, Vince can't do the movie cause his mom just got shot. What the hell? Hey, sorry bro. Wait a minute.
That's my mom too. Great news guys. Scientists found a way to bring Vince's mom back from the dead. That's great.
Now Vince, can you do the movie? Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, baby bro. Yeah bitches. We fucking run this city. Didn't I tell you it was all going to work out? Next week on Entourage. Oh, wait a sec guys.
Yeah bitches. We fucking run this motherfucking fucking fucking city. I mean with friends like these in a city like this on a night like tonight when the wind is blowing the way it is, it's always going to work out. Oh my God.
I am Queen's Boulevard.
I can't man. This season on Entourage.
Vince got fucked up by an alien cat. No movie. Cat didn't leave an alien baby in Vin. The movie's on! Hey yo, Vince ate a weird peanut. No movie. What? Peanut wasn't weird. Vince is probably allergic to that catty fuck. Movies to go.
Vince slept on his hands. They're asleep. Not going to the movie. Hands awake.
Show his movie. Vince is a tranny. No dice on the movie. Movie's on, boys. Hey, wow. I can't believe you did it, Vince. You can do the movie. |
dropout | the_sexy_coupon_book_hot_date | Happy Valentine's Day. I made this for you. A romantic coupon book. This is fun. Good for one cuddle session. Cute. Free, sloppy make-out. Very nice.
Three dollars off any large two-topping pizza from Domino's. Will this actually work at a Domino's? No. It's a love coupon, silly. So how it works is you buy a large two-topping pizza and I give you three dollars. But not if I get a medium pizza or a three-topping pizza.
Right. Okay.
Um, free shipping on orders of a hundred dollars or more when you use your target card. I don't have a target card. Oh, then you won't qualify. Hon, these are supposed to be like sexy coupons. This is just a regular coupon book that you made by hand.
You know, I think a bed and breakfast in wine country is pretty sexy. So if we went to Napa Valley, you would only chip in 15%? As long as it was before August 2017, yeah. Half off appetizers and five dollar drafts at Hokie's Sports Lounge offer only valid Monday through Thursday. This is their happy hour. More like their happy Valentine's Day hour. Ah, one free central massage. Not valid in the US or Canada. Yeah, giving a massage is kind of boring, so I figured if we were in Mexico or Europe or somewhere cool, I could deal. Oh, one romantic candlelit dinner.
Now this is a good coupon. It's actually rebate. Um, you pay for the romantic candlelit dinner and then mail me the receipt and then in three to four months, I will reimburse you. So it's like I'm loaning you money. Whatever you want to call it. Buy two, get one free skydiving. That sounds exciting. So, you and I go skydiving, but I have to bring a friend and then you'll pay for, what, yourself? How is that a coupon?
Oh, I actually wouldn't go skydiving. It's very dangerous. I would prefer that you didn't either.
You know what? I will just use this coupon. One free sloppy make out, please. What's the promo code? Uh, I don't see a promo code. You have to log into the website. Fill out a little questionnaire.
Okay, forget it. You don't like your gift? I guess I just find it a little disappointing that you gave me this generic coupon book and I got you such a thoughtful gift. A mini box of chocolate whatever and flowers from CVS that have since died.
What's up the world? From award holders Murph and Emily comes a new web series called Hot Date.
That's right. It's going to be coming to you weekly and if we play our cards right, maybe we'll actually win one of these. Yes, these are other people's. These are other people's. But we're holding them, so who's the real winner? |
cracked | james_comey_vs_president_donald_trump_bill_maher_vs_the_decency_more_some_news | Hi, here's some news. President Trump announced in his speech what seems like eight months ago that he's pulling out of the Paris Accord, making a real mess on the planet's inner thigh. Nope, too graphic. I mean, Earth is f***ed and covered in f***ing, nope!
President Trump wants to remove the United States from the Paris Accord, which is the agreement that 195 out of 197 countries signed to fight climate change. And despite being told by his business advisory board and his crush, and corporations like Microsoft and even Exxon, and most scientists, he instead took the advice of people like Steve Bannon, who clearly just wants more cloud cover so he can go outside during the day, and Scott Pruitt, current head of the EPA, with ties to the fossil fuel industry. Here's what Trump said about leaving, which wouldn't take effect until the day after election day in 2020. The United States will withdraw from the Paris Climate Accord. Thank you, thank you. Trump would not begin negotiations to re-enter either the Paris Accord, or a really entirely new transaction, on terms that are fair to the United States. In other words, the United States is leaving the Paris Accord.
But we might go back, but also we might just go to Taco Bell. Trump sounds like the most infuriating person to make plans with. It's like trying to meet up with your drunkest friend, but they just keep texting leaving soon for two hours straight. Also, this is a voluntary agreement where each country can set their own guidelines and goals. So leaving it is like getting a take-home test that you can self-grade and refusing to do it at all for a ridiculous reason, like you think all the other students are laughing at you for taking the test just like they are. But that would be highly likely given the source. We don't want other leaders and other countries laughing at us anymore.
And they won't be. They won't be. Because they'll be dead. They'll be dead.
Obviously, I'm being hyperbolic. So let's say you don't even believe in climate change. What if you make the common mistake of thinking that climate and weather are the same thing? Or maybe because we believe the universe revolved around the Earth 2,000 motherf***ing years ago and now we don't? Maybe that's a really good point. Or maybe you interpret the data a certain way because you work in or around fossil fuels. And then you have other reasons. Fine. Perhaps the president is right, and climate change is a hoax created by the Chinese so they can cancel 100 coal plants and then invest in cleaner, safer energy after signing the Paris Climate Agreement. Let's say that. If climate change isn't happening, things like coal plants are still inarguably terrible for our air and water and are more expensive and less safe than things like solar panels and wind turbines. Just ask most scientists.
Although if you ask the president's vlog from seven years ago that he's since deleted but someone still has somewhere, he hates wind turbines, which he calls windmills, and thinks they look ugly and he doesn't want them near his golf course in Scotland. As evidenced by years of documented litigation between himself and Scotland. So okay, Mr. President, instead of windmills, just do coal.
More door lago.
Eh?
Besides, coal jobs aren't disappearing because the government is in the pocket of big clean energy. They're going away, according to our labor expert, Morpheus, because of... Machines! Thank you, labor expert Morpheus, from the sequel to The Matrix, The Matrix 2, Matrices.
Speaking of machines, very serious man and former FBI director James Comey testified in front of Congress about his interactions with very silly man, current president Donald Trump, the f***ing president. The hearing revealed a lot, but like sweet jazz, let's listen to what he doesn't say. When asked if he can confirm any criminal allegations within the infamous Steele dossier, which alleges against our president and his associates, many crimes, he had this to say. Mr. Chairman, I don't think that's a question I can answer in an open setting. Scooby-dah, bah, bah, and so forth. Some eagle-eyed viewers might notice that the other possible answer was no. Other highlights include the former FBI director discrediting a story from the New York Times and other nonsense in the news and implying that one of the reasons he took regular notes on his meetings with the president is because he thinks our president is a bit of a liar who lies a lot and would lie about them, even saying that he's seen the tweet about tapes and hopes there are tapes. He implicated former Attorney General Loretta Lynch's actions as a reason he released his letter about the Clinton email investigation, explained how our institutions are supposed to work, and overall just sort of described in detail events in which our president tried to use the FBI director's job to leverage personal loyalty and then talked like a mob boss about hoping that the Flynn investigation gets dropped while ignoring how our independent institutions are supposed to function, and then he took away the FBI director's job for showing perceived personal disloyalty, which is not what is required of our functioning institutions, and breaking news, nothing will come of any of this.
Here's some news. There was a terror attack in London this past week, and the general consensus from the UK seems to be that the American media is sensationalizing it far too much, because they're trash. So breaking news, thoughts and prayers, moving on. Meanwhile, in the UK, Conservative Prime Minister Theresa May called a snap election to gain more seats, but instead lost many to the Labour Party, and it's possible that the next Prime Minister will be Labour's Jeremy Corbini would have won. Here's some news.
Bill Maher, a comedian known for having opinions that range from being obliviously racist to those that are outwardly and unquestionably racist, casually said the N-word, on purpose while he was surrounded by cameras and wearing a microphone in a room that was filled with air. So the sound traveled. A few comedians have come to the millionaire's aid saying Bill's a comedian, and it's just a joke, which brings us to another installment of, is this a joke? You're welcome.
We'd love to have you work in the fields with us. Work in the fields.
That's part of that. I'm a house ****, guys. It's not. It's literally not a joke. When asked to work in the fields of Nebraska, Bill very comfortably described himself as a house N-word, with a soft R, so you know it's OK. But that's not a joke as much as it is a reminder that white people used to have different nuanced categories for non-human that they put black people in. So what's the joke?
Should Bill Maher be fired? Yeah, **** it. Sure, fire everybody. But even if he doesn't, can we stop talking about him? We wring our hands and dedicate a lot of media coverage every time a Bill Maher or a Milo Lorenz says something ridiculous and say, oh, this is not the left or the right thing, aren't they all bad? Instead, let's just ignore them as the irrelevant controversy courting trolls that they are. So in that spirit, here's more about Bill Maher. I'm a house ****.
So he said his stupid Bill Maher thing, and it sucked. And the audience laughed and clapped, which sucked even more. And Bill said, thank you, which **** you. But I want to focus on the reactions of his guest, Ben Sasse, which sucked the most. To be fair, yes, Ben, a senator from Nebraska, was clearly visibly uncomfortable. You could see in his eyes that he didn't know what to do because he was the guest on a show and there were cameras on and a cheering audience. And the host of that show just casually and comfortably dropped the n-word and then thanked everyone for it.
But he should know what to do. Ben Sasse, you're a senator, a father. You just published a book about how parents in America need to do a better job training our children to be mature, responsible, and accountable adults.
And then aging out of touch liberal elites sat across from you and said of one of the last purely hate-infused words in our global vocabulary. And you smiled instead of saying, top of the dome? No, everybody stopped clapping.
Bill, I know this is your show and I'm a guest, but that word has a lot of history to it. And a lot of present hatred wrapped up in it. And you have no claim to use it. And you do real damage when you do as evidenced by some alternate reality in which instead of saying this, I merely smiled. Your casual use of that word on your global platform sends a message that hate-speak is okay. And that is not a reflection of the America that I, a senator, represent. Apologize right now. Something like that.
Hey, Ben, actually, hey, white people. We need to be better about this. The current symbol for white pride in America is a dapper Nazi. Wouldn't it be better if the symbol for white pride in America was someone who loudly and proudly told Bill Maher to shut the fuck up? There's so much more pride in being part of an engine that stands up to hate than there is being part of one that stands on the side while hate barrels through. We see it in the weekly footage of some white asshole publicly shouting ugly, hateful things to people of color.
The worst part of these videos is everything, all of it. But there are always people who just watch. Yes, it's uncomfortable, but we need to be able to speak up for people in these situations. And yes, the only example that comes to mind is when two people died in Portland for doing exactly that. But that's terrorism, making people afraid to speak up.
And as cheesy as it sounds, provolone. And as corny as it sounds, maize. But as cliche as it sounds, not speaking up against hate is letting the terrorists win.
Speaking of speaking up, calls to Congress have reportedly gone back down to pre-Trump numbers. In the past, the high number of phone calls actually influenced members on important issues. So take that, money. But recently, those calls have subsided, and during Comey's testimony, Congress rolled back some of Dodd-Frank, which was meant to rein in financial institutions and prevent another recession. So here's the number for the congressional switchboard. Call your rep today.
It doesn't have to be about that. Tell him to build the wall or repeal the Affordable Care Act or save the Affordable Care Act or renegotiate the Geneva Conventions or see the president's taxes. It can be whatever's in your heart.
Stand up, speak out. Shout it loud! Bernie would've won!
Hey, everybody. Thanks for watching some news. If you want to subscribe to our channel, click the C in the middle. And if you want more videos, click one of the two boxes on the right. We're actually gonna reschedule this, and it's gonna come out every Saturday from now on instead of Sunday. So know that and hit the notification bell so you can get notifications. All right. |
dropout | when_coming_out_goes_better_than_you_thought | What about vests? Yeah, what about vests? That's a very good question. Because it seems like they occupy some weird...
Hi. Oh, hi, Grant. Hello, everyone. Hey, are you okay?
You seem a little upset. Well, I have something to tell you. What is it? It's... God, this is hard. Um, I'm just gonna say it. And you can read it.
Okay.
And you can react however you react. I'm ready.
Great. Yeah. Great. Yeah.
So... Vests? Yes, exactly! God, what is going on there? Okay, vests have no sleeves, right? Okay. And are they shirts or are they coats? Neither. Do you know what I mean?
Like I like men sexually. Like I sexually like men.
Yeah, no, we get it. Yeah. And no big deal. No, I have a lot of gay friends. Yeah, we all do. And you're our friend.
Do you think this would change how we would see you? Freaking a little. I had myself all keyed up for this. This is shocking news. It isn't, but you know it is shocking. Some shirts have a taller collar. Wow, yeah.
Oh, and with the buttons? What is going on with the buttons? What is that? Maybe some details would help.
Last night, I had a guy stay over in my bed. Yeah, sure. He slept in my armpit nook, and in the morning, I took him in to smell his hair. Nice. All he was wearing were boxer briefs.
Red ones. Wait, really? Because some shirts can be red. Hey, yeah, that is a good point. Yeah.
What a goddamn disappointment. You know, I've been afraid to tell people this since I was 10 years old. I lied to people, and I lied to myself. And it's gonna be such a letdown if it turns out nobody cares. This is my big day, come on! It's just not that big a deal.
The world's changed, you know? Now, are V-N-X shirts? There are a few schools of thought.
I do romantic things with men. Sex things. I kiss them, and I think about their abs, and I like to watch it when they have orgasms. I see guys, and I imagine what it would be like if they breathed on my neck. I go on dates with them, and I flirt. I flirt so much. When I see that they call me on the phone, I get nervous. I think about them in deep, loving ways. Men, I'm a man, and I love men.
This is the scariest thing I've ever done. And if it's not a big deal for other people, then that means I've been afraid of nothing, which makes me crazy. Am I crazy?
I'm spending my entire life hiding the fact that I'm bisexual, driven me absolutely crazy. Wait, bisexual? Yeah, I'm bisexual. What the fuck? Like, you gotta commit to something.
The kid just pretends to be gay. He's pretending to be gay. He's like, dude.
Hi, I'm Zach from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, or click here to watch another funny video. If you click right here, you can pretend like you're holding me, and I'm a tiny person.
Well, let me down. Let me down. |
cracked | the_urinal_fly_helped_an_economist_win_a_nobel_prize | The urinal fly helped an economist win a 2017 Nobel Prize. In the early 90s, a janitor sought a solution to spillage in and around the wet and wild men's room stalls of Amsterdam's Schipol Airport. Drawing inspiration from a method used by the Dutch army, the airport etched small photorealistic targets into the porcelain near the urinal drains to introduce men to the concept of aiming. And it worked. Reducing spillage by up to 80%, lowering cleaning costs by up to 20%, and increasing fun in the airport bathroom by, let's say, 0.1%.
This anecdote would on to become economist Richard Thaler's favorite illustration of nudge theory. The concept of predictably altering people's behavior without forbidding other options. Nudge theory, along with his other contributions to behavioral economics, led Thaler to receive the mouthful known as the Sveges Resmic Prize in Economic Sciences in memory of Alfred Nobel 2017. So the next time JFK airport charges you 20 bucks for a Sam Adams, and you release your frustration onto a bug before your flight, take pride in knowing that you're harnessing the golden power of an economic laureate. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_tamara_parks_on_p_g_a_d_snl | Glamour Magazine recently profiled a group of women who suffer from a rare condition called Pgad, or persistent genital arousal Disorder, an actual condition in which women experience numerous unwanted orgasms through the course of the day. here to talk about it is recovering Pgad sufferer Tamara Parks. Hi, Tamara. hi. it's a little embarrassing. yeah, I can imagine this is a very sensitive and personal topic. yes, it is, But hopefully by coming here, I'm able to shed some light on this very misunderstood condition. it's not as fun as it sounds. before I got treatment, I was having 200 episodes a day. And when you say episodes, you mean? head to toe screaming orgasms. Oh. yeah, yeah. they can really screw up your day. So what causes Pgad? doctors aren't sure. it can be triggered by almost anything. exercise, going up and down stairs, bumpy car ride, music with too much bass, cold wind, warm wind. that's terrible.
Yeah, well, luckily, with the help of my physician, I was able to find treatment. And today, I can say that I am fully. sorry. I am fully.
One sec. Wait a minute. Yes. I thought something was going to happen, but it didn't. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, is there a subway under this building? Yeah, yeah, the B train runs right underneath us.
Okay, yeah, I thought so. Okay, it's gone. I'm fine.
As I was saying, is there a wind in here? is there wind? No, there's no wind.
Merry Christmas. tomorrow, Yeah. Oh, that doesn't help. Oh, I got it. that's not the way we do that. You know, I think I should just go. Okay. well, thank you for coming. I just meant. no, it's okay. I've heard that one before. I'm fine now. can I help you out? No, I'm not. okay, sorry, I forgot. Thank you. Tomorrow parks, everyone. |
SaturdayNightLive | classroom_snl | Turn that music off and sit in your seats. my name is Miss Fink and I will be your substitute teacher today. Now, I don't know what your regular teacher does during this class, but I am here to instruct and you are here to learn. And there is one more thing you should know. I believe in you.
Now, I don't care what you've been told your whole lives. you are not dumb. you are not a lost cause. maybe everyone in your life thinks it's high school, then the streets, then prison. But not me. when I look at this room, I don't see thugs. I don't see dummies. I see a group of young people whose only fault was being born the wrong color in this country.
So yes, you may be dumb today, but what you are tomorrow starts right here in this classroom. am I understood? Yeah. yes. Okay. Now, don't be embarrassed. how many of you can read? um, all of us?
Miss, this is an honors level physics class. This class is that? Yeah, every class at this school is Honors level. this is a stem school? Okay. we all had to take a college level test to get in here.
Okay. did the principal not tell you that? Nah. and wait, who was calling us, duh? nobody. But when you came into the class, you gave that long speech and you said people were saying we was dumb. who said that? Okay. and who said we were born the wrong color? what was that about? yeah, that sound racist as hell. it does Now, yes. uh, what kind of school did you say this was again?
It's a stem school, Miss. it stands for Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math. all subjects I know very well, S-t-e-m. But I like to say it stands for students together achieving much. The Miss, the word achieving starts with an A. Exactly. did we all hear that? Let's all try to be more like La Quantisha. my name is Amy.
Why is, unless, hold on. Now, let's begin the lesson. where did we leave off in the text? Chapter 237, Particle Behavior and Wave Mechanics. Big old book. I will read. a photon can behave both as a wave and a particle. Miss, do, hmm. um, Miss, it's duality. Now, one more time for me, baby. it's duality. detention. And that concludes the reading.
Students, here's some truth for you. sometimes, the teachers are the ones who are dumb. and sometimes, they take a job not realizing it's at a stem school. um, is a stem school miss with an E? Detention. And sometimes, that makes them say and do racist. But you can't hold that against me. because some of these teachers did not go to college. But Miss, I thought you had to go to college to be a teacher. Detention.
The point is, I believe in you. And that is why I should still get paid for today.
Class Dismissed. But the bell didn't ring. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_rachel_maddow_show_john_boehner_nancy_pelosi_and_charles_rangel_snl | Joining us today, new Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner. thank you for pronouncing it right. you can imagine people have a lot of fun with it. Current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Hello, Rachel. Hello, Boehner.
John Boehner, we start with you. your party claims it wants to lower the deficit, but won't extending the Bush Tax cuts to the top earners add $700 billion to the deficit? Rachel, on Election Night, the American people spoke, and they spoke loudly. And the words they spoke were, Stop the tax Hikes And Stop The Spending. But surely you don't think you can close the deficit gap solely with cuts and spending. Rachel, the American People could not have been louder or clearer. True story, on Election night, I was asleep, and suddenly I heard voices. I went to my window and I opened it up. it was the voices of the American People, and they were saying loudly and in unison, like a great big barber shop quartet, Stop the tax hikes and Stop The Spending. So if your only measure to lower the deficit is reducing spending, what are some of the programs that you would be willing to cut? On this, sadly, the American people were not clear. I yelled from my window, American People, what specific program should we cut? but their voices faded away into the night. last thing I heard was, Stop the tax hikes. Stop the spending.
One last question. Orange, you glad I didn't mention the color of your face?
Very funny. we turn now to the current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Hello Rachel. Madam Speaker, Republicans are saying that America spoke in the midterm elections, and Democrats need to completely change the way they do things. And it's such a good point, Rachel, and I do intend to follow the wonderful example of Republicans who, after the 2008 election when the Democrats took the presidency and both houses, completely changed the way they did things. I think we all remember how helpful they became, so willing to reach across the aisle. Oh wait, I had that backwards. they turned into a pack of feral dogs guarding a turned over trash can. this week, you held off a challenge from within your own party for your own leadership position.
Does that bother you? Nothing bothers me, Rachel. that's why I always have the same expression. but I want to assure my enemies that it will take more than one election to take me down. If you want to get rid of Nancy Pelosi, you better be ready to cut off my head and bury it separately from my body. Nancy Pelosi, a woman who always looks like she's watching someone not use a coaster. a Democrat who had the toughest week, Charlie Rangel. welcome, Congressman. Hello, young man. Congressman, What was your reaction to Thursday's censure? Rachel, I did not deserve this treatment. I am a 20-term Congressman.
I'm a decorated war hero. I was awarded both the Bronze Star as well as the Silver Pompadour.
Yet still, I am attacked. Well, you're under attack for your legal troubles. I like to make a distinction. people keep saying I'm having legal troubles. these are ethics violations.
I did nothing criminal. I just did things that were unethical. did I kill someone? No. did I lie for the purposes of getting money? Perhaps. when I say perhaps, do I mean yes? I do. But I am not a criminal. I am just a person that can and should not be trusted.
Charlie Rangel, if you lived in the Old West, he'd be the bartender. you got me. Final thoughts.: John Boehner? excuse me, Rachel. it's the American People.
Stop taxes? what else? Stop spending?
What's spending? hello? hello? you're breaking up. Hello? hey, last time. hey.
Nancy Pelosi. my necklace is gone missing. John Boehner? don't look at me. Charlie Rangel? what? give that back. No thank you.
Rachel, in closing, I just want to say I'm proud to live in a country where a man like Charlie Rangel can be a Congressman and a 12-year-old boy like yourself can have his own Tv show. And that's all the time we have in life from New York! |
CrackerMilk | making_eye_contact_with_the_local_junkie | I don't need a rolly, I got the legs, put it down, her name was Blex. I met her in the crib one night, she made me scared, gave me such a fright, scooby-doo.
What, you looking at us? Who do you think you are? Yeah, I'm there. Well, you got a high problem staring at us like that or some shits?
Yeah. Got a dollar on ya? No, I'm sorry. You got two dollars on ya? Do you ever, er, like... You got time on ya? Oh yeah, it's midday.
Eleven o'clock, what you got to lie for? What we do to lies? Alright, square up, I'll fight a chick, I'll bash a chick, let's go. Come on, I know you can't be bad. You will, yeah. I've got to do lies and shit.
I've got a dog in me! A dog? What type of dog do you have in you? I've got a pit bull in me, he's in me.
Mate, mate, no. Mate, mate, mate. Aaaahhhh!
I know Capybara, man. He does know Capybara. Bionicle, Bionicle, I met her in the Lego store, she gave me the 20% discount. I wanted more. I know, jujitsu? Been sitting in the New York sewers for two years, been learning it from the synagogues. I know that. |
ClickHole | watch_this_man_s_face_when_he_sees_what_he_would_look_like_as_a_tiny_little_man | Things have been so hard for Bobby. For something like this to be possible for him would be amazing. Bobby's been normal and big his whole life. He deserves better. My name's Bobby Clemens.
I'm 56 years old. I'm a carpenter. No, I never had a chance to see myself as a tiny man. Yeah, it'd be nice, you know, but I'm not a millionaire.
Bobby's such a good friend to so many people. He's helped me out more times than I can even count. When my son was born and could barely afford food, Bobby built him a crib from scratch. He's incredible. Once we were hanging out and Bobby broke down crying.
He told me he didn't think he'd ever get to see a tiny version of himself. And I promised myself that night that I would make his dream come true. My name is Brett Winfield and I'm a graphic artist who specializes in man miniaturization. A job like this with a full body shrink and size setting contextualization, it's something that should be available to everyone, but unfortunately the cost of synthesization makes it a prohibitively expensive luxury.
It's a shame. We'll put Bobby next to something small like a pen or a hamster, something to really accentuate this little version. But yeah, just take it one day at a time, I guess. Surprise! What is this? Bobby Clemens, meet the tiny version of yourself.
Oh my god! My shoes! My nose! My hair! I'm so tiny!
Oh, thank you! Thank you all so much! Oh, thank you!
Look at me! I'm so tiny! Such a little man! The salt is bigger than me!
My life is never going to be the same. It's going to be good now. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Damage_Control_A_Big_Betrayal_Gladys_Fronts_ICAC_More_October_29 | I'm joined by Errol Parker. Hello Errol. Hello mate, how you going? Yeah, not bad mate. Tell you what, this fucking sun's got a bit of bite. It's starting to heat up, yeah. That's Wendell, you just heard from the corner. How are you going young fella? Yeah, pretty good, pretty good.
End of another week. Threw my back out at cricket training last night, steaming in full speed. Eternally injured, eternally injured young man. Made of chalk. Unfortunate. What's in the news this week young fella?
Well the biggest story, I think Clancy has been all of this net zero stuff and one of the biggest stories we wrote on that has been about the PM beginning Wednesday morning acting as Barnaby Joyce's human coffee table as per their net zero agreement. Yes, the Prime Minister is now off to Glasgow to embarrass us all on the world stage but before heading off to the COP26 summit, Scott Morrison had to do plenty of wheeling and dealing to get the National Party not to go rogue on him. So he did strike a deal in the end with the power drunk regional representatives and it probably isn't what anyone would like to, I guess, lower themselves to. Yes Clancy, well Barnaby Joyce, the leader of the Nationals and biggest fan of 69ing in Parliament House is refusing to confirm the exact details of that agreement but we managed to get our hands on a couple of images and in those images have shown things like Scotty posing as a special human coffee table for Joyce and bringing him a large mocha with four sugars in it. Good to see our Prime Minister getting his hands dirty for once. Yes, apparently he's also been, as per the net zero agreement, he is required to sort out Barnaby Joyce's dry cleaning every morning, I believe, which has actually resulted in the Nationals leader wearing an iron shirt for the first time in his life.
I always thought that Barnaby would pop his suits and sports coats into the washing machine. One trick he told me was when he's got to hangover and he's got to get into Parliament in half an hour to vote on something, knowing he's going to get doorstopped on the way in because he's such an important politician, he does the old, well apparently the night before he goes, he comes home pissed and he strips down into the nude and gets the shirt that he'd just worn, which is all crumpled from a couple of hours in the pub, four or five hours in the pub, and he'll hang that up on a wire coat hanger in the shower and turn the hot on the bathroom sink and of course the shower, turn it up as hot as it can, living in a shared living apartment building down there, so he has a constant source of hot water, and just basically steam it out, steam the shirt overnight, it cleans it, and it also, when you wake up the next morning, he'll take it off the coat hanger and hold it by the cuffs of the shirt and just hit the bed, the unmade bed, as hard as he can with it, hoping to not pick up any, you know, not to pick up anything flaky skin. Well that's a lot different to the method that we were told Christopher Pine does when you went on his podcast, Pine Time, he said, you know, to really get rid of the the scaries in the morning, to blow the rust off, he also likes to strip off into the nude and cover himself in baby oil and roll around in the bathtub of his hotel room saying I'm a silly sausage, I'm a silly sausage, until he feels better. That was the least surprising thing to come out of that interview actually, it turns out, one thing I did find on the interview on Pine Time was that he's actually quite a lefty, which is interesting, but you know, took me by surprise.
Well this next story, Wendell, this is also about the Liberal Party, it's about a coked up FIFO worker. Yeah, this is the blowback from that decision by Scott Morrison to commit to net zero. A coked up FIFO who lives in a Gold Coast canal six better has come out and said that the Prime Minister has betrayed rural Australia. Yes, that's right, an entire workforce of carbon exposed tradesmen and unskilled labourers have this week declared their disgust with the man they voted for in 2019. As you mentioned there, Wendell, this comes after Scotty announced his vague new commitments to net zero emissions by 2050, which has left Kooma a base FIFO worker, Zayd Knox and Priti Ropable, he says this is equivalent to treason.
Now Zayd, he's the owner of a couple hundred thousand dollars worth of vehicles in his urban mansion said, and I quote, he's fucking off Scotty, and as he explained, and I quote again, he told us that he wouldn't go near any of this grainy shit. What about the blue collar workers in the bush, mate? Some towns depend on the economic boosts that blokes like me provide them while waiting for the shuttle bus from the airport to the FIFO camp. You thought about that Scott? No. Don't worry Zayd, there's apparently high paying jobs in renewables coming right up.
Now in New South Wales, Gladys Berejiklian has fronted the independent commission against corruption and she offered up this interesting quote saying, how the fuck was I supposed to know how much a hillbilly clay target shooting club costs? Yes, the former Premier of New South Wales has been in the news all week as the inquiry into whether she abused or breached public trust continues to play out live on television. There's been a bit on with the former Deputy Premier John Barillaro squirming during questions about intimate relationships. Gladys has also claimed that current Premier and her successor Dominic Perrottet just does her bidding and the frank admission that she had no idea how much these dumb rednecks needed for their shooty little gun thing.
We've apparently got more to come on this one, but it seems like her ex-boyfriend Daryl Maguire is going to have a bit of a hard time on the dating scene moving forward. I think unless he stays around Wagga and flaunts some of that new found wealth, I think that some ladies do have proclivities for convicts. I'm not getting ahead of myself. Given the stuff that's coming out, he may not be around women out and about in society for much longer.
I thought the Liberal Party wing of the kumara low security prison was actually co-ed. I believe that's how low security it was.
Apparently it's an absolute fuckfest. Fuck.
Fingers crossed for Daryl. Sounds like a good bit of fun. Now we've got some good news and balance has been restored to the universe after some dickhead in Melbourne decided to yell the first post-lockdown taxi. Yes, once again this regional Queensland newspaper feels obliged to pass comment on Melbourne. But nature is healing apparently. You'd love to see it.
It was a dangerous day to be a beer den in Melbourne last Friday night as the most locked down fuckhole on earth emerged from its long winter. Yes, and with everyone a little bit unsure of how to interact around people after nearly 300 days of isolation, there was a bit of a weird vibe at the Fitzroy ugly Betty Tavern to kick things off. That all melted away however when local dickhead Ian Mailey decided to open up his vocal cords after hearing a pint of glass hit the floor. Taxi, he shouted, like an absolute fucking goose.
Finishing up the week with sports news and we've got a three-word headline and it reads report warning you. Yes, after years of the sporting and cricketing world talking shit about him both to his face and behind his back, the manlet from Malabar has finally received some vindication. If you aren't a cricket fan, this stems from a heated incident between David Warner and South African wicketkeeper Quintin de Kock over in the Republic of South Africa a few years ago. At the time it looked like David Warner was actually being a bit of a fuck Quentin but you know that's no longer the case depending on who you ask. Yeah, no with de Kock refusing to take a knee as part of the team protocol to support the Black Lives Matter movement, a movement actually quite relevant to the people of South Africa given their history of racial apartheid, it's been revealed that Dave Warner knew all along that Quintin de Kock was a fuckwit. As a cricket Australia statesman said, yeah it turns out Warner was onto him and for that we express regret but cricket Australia doesn't apologise for anything.
Not now, not ever and that's all we got time for this week. We hope you've enjoyed our news wrap and we look forward to talking to you again next week. Bye-bye. Alright, back is the buyer. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Big_Plan_Former_PM_Passes_Away_Bill_Gates_Loses_It_All_More_May_14 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Batutah weekly bulletin recording live down here in the old city district downtown Batutah you're joined of course by myself Clancy Overall editor at large Errol Parker and the Diamantina's favourite news reader Wendell Hussey how are you gentlemen? Mate I'm still buzzing off the news that the government's finally stood up and they've gotten another poison to inject into people. Well okay we'll move on from that. The Moderna I think you know is probably the lesser of the three evils. Okay we've got an announcement here in the Diamantina Shire and right across Australia Batutah Bitter is now available through Jimmy Brings wherever Jimmy Brings is available the late night after hours and delivery liquor merchants that are Jimmy Brings Batutah Bitter is available there we've got some good prices we're in the mix we're competitive and we are stored in the back of Jimmy Brings vans right around the country so if you're looking for a tipple and you're not prepared to go into town or you simply can't drive into town give them a buzz Jimmy Brings. Read in under 30 minutes they reckon which is pretty snappy. Party saver party starter.
Alright now we're going to start off with some political news and the headline on that story reads as a direct quote from our Prime Minister watch me plunge Australia into intergenerational debt in an attempt to win an election. Yes and not the good types of intergenerational debt that Labor pundits will tell you like things like Medicare and you know HECS and all that business but yes it is budget week and there have been allegations flung around that the Prime Minister and the Treasurer have used the annual fiscal announcement as a bit of an election pitch. Yes responding to those claims in an exclusive interview with the Advocate the Prime Minister laughed and said go on and stop me I'm going to win this election by spending enough money to make sure children being born today will still be paying it off when they're old and fucked. Sad story now and Paul Keating has passed away mid interview this week after being asked about using super to buy dogecoin. Yes the tributes are flowing in for the 24th Prime Minister of Australia who passed away at the age of 77 this week. The man who introduced compulsory superannuation to Australians and had spent decades fighting to ensure that people have the right to a retirement died for his cause. It all came to a tragic end when Lefty Jesus was asked about the most recent calls for people to be allowed to dip into their super not for their first home loans or because of financial hardship but to buy the popular meme coin Doge. Upon hearing those calls he simply slumped over in his chair and expired. Yeah really sad Gary Matthews left a touching tribute in the comments section of that story he said Paul Keating was a terrific Prime Minister he brought the work of Australians out of the darkness into the light by superannuation and he did a lot more for Australians than any other Prime Minister rest in peace Paul you did a terrific job.
Okay Gary. Well Gary clearly hasn't heard of Billy McMahon. Now we're going to move into some celebrity news and Bill Gates has done his arse on the keynote. It's been a big few days for American celebrities punting in Australia after Matt Damon did a big TV interview from the Suffolk Park TAB down south Bill Gates also got spotted ripping into the keynote in Mackay. It didn't end well though the Microsoft founder reportedly lost a fair chunk of his fortune on the virtual bingo style game and was eventually kicked out after putting a barstool through Pelican Pete.
Good on him one less poker machine in our state and motoring news and a 1996 Hyundai Sonata with full tank has doubled in value after the spike in fuel prices. Yes the petrol price spike hasn't been bad news for everyone. Justin Chan who owns the 25 year old Korean pocket rocket reckons he's just bucked the trend of cars losing value and he's now seen his asset appreciate by a full 200% in the last couple days. Yes he said to us as he tried unsuccessfully to turn the spray painted one on the screen into a two jackpot mate 1.48 per litre now this is a $200 car. Great for Justin.
Now we're going to finish up with another local story and a shit day at school has been made even worse after a child spies a crockpot simmering away in the kitchen. Yes to quote this moody teenager at the centre of the story what a crock of shit she said pardon the pun the local year 7 student Samantha returned from an awful day at school where she bombed her English test and ruined her friendship with her best friend forever only to find some gross lentil stew bubbling away on the stove. Yeah well I think that Samantha should really stop complaining really I guess I thought this story was a bit tone deaf you know taking into account what's going on around the world like in India Israel Gaza you know I think she should really for a year 7 she should really you know have a bit of perspective like it isn't like the government's forcing well you know as a mother said against some sort of as a mother said they're starving children in Africa so called and she said why don't you send it to them it's got such a low lethality rate okay not what you'd want to see after a bad day so she threw her bag on the ground and huffed and puffed loudly about the meal hoping that her parents would order some takeaway which they didn't. As Frank Clay said in the comments section in my day you would eat what you were given say thank you to the dishes or go hungry in your room.
Yeah damn right Frank. Good on you Frank. Let's wrap it up on that note don't forget potato bitter is now available on Jimmy brings nationwide so get it while it's cold. Get it. See ya. |
cracked | donald_trump_s_presidential_announcement_cracked_responds | Donald Trump is running for president. Yeah again. I know and and this is a section of a speech He made announcing his run for president and it's got some controversy the u.s Has become a dumping ground For everybody else's problems is it cuz there are two American flags instead of just one he's more American Than you or I will ever be Thank you really wait for that applause break when he's talking about how everyone's bringing their shitty problems into America These are the best and the finest When Mexico sends its people they're not sending their best There's someone in Mexico is like deciding which one should we send you definitely you yeah They've all gotten together and doing the lottery and voted out the people who are the worst and now they have to come to America They're not sending you they're not sending you They're sending people that have lots of problems.
They're not sending you they're not sending you maybe they say It's really easy to be in a minority criminal in America. They're bringing drugs They're bringing crime. They're rapists and some I assume are good people.
He has to assume He's never met a single good Mexican, right? But I speak to border guards and they tell us what we're getting and it only makes common sense But I've talked to border patrol. I asked him if any of them are good I mean, they said yeah, but I think they were lying. He is not spoken to border control.
They're sending us not the right people It's coming from more than Mexico It's coming from all over South and Latin America. They're letting in all the bad ones They're letting it probably you can just see it in his eyes And he's like they wants to say like Salvadorians like he's just somebody below Mexico or he's like you're letting in all of them too, and it's coming probably Probably from the Middle East But we don't know because we have no protection and we have no competence. We don't know what's happening also, they're coming from Mexico Latin America and He almost said the Middle East When I'm never the president I will look into it and it's got to stop and it's got to stop fast This is is like I'm running for president speech. It's such a negative speech. It's so insane and And there's no clear segue from our country is full of garbage people right now and criminals and rapists and a lot of them are you Yeah, he's not saying Immigration is a problem because all of our jobs are being taken or whatever the immigration argument is It's they're sending their bad people here. Yeah, and like I don't want them here He's done this for the last couple of presidential elections and it's always it's always a scam.
He's never seriously considered running for president It's I'm running for president Right up until the premiere of the new season of my show The Apprentice the press conference that he gave today on the 30th Was the unveiling of his new golf course? I? Want to thank my family because they put up with me like CNN is there and they're like we're covering Donald Trump's golf course We wouldn't have done this if he didn't run decide he was running Everybody can come out of the woodwork right now to run for president and you can create a career out of running even just one So many of the Republican candidates are just candidates in general are like if I run now I can be a pundit in a couple years, but here's the amazing thing NBC has has fired him Well NBC turns to Donald Trump and says you are fired due to the recent derogatory statements by Donald Trump regarding immigrants NBC Universal is ending its business relationship with mr. Trump at NBC Respect and dignity for all people are cornerstones of our values after his comments first Univision dropped him NBC also dropped him and dropped like the Miss Universe pageant, so they're not gonna air that anymore in the whatever other Horrible pageants here is Donald Trump responding to NBC And if NBC is so weak and so foolish to not understand the serious illegal immigration problem in the United States Coupled with the horrendous and unfair trade deals We are making with Mexico and their contract violating closure of Miss Universe slash Miss USA will be determined in court if they're so weak And foolish they don't understand the serious legal illegal immigration problem United States is what he says But he wasn't talking about the serious illegal immigration problem He was talking about how he doesn't like Mexicans right bold strategy as a presidential candidate I want to run for president. You know what I don't need Latino vote Hey everybody, thank you for watching that correct response about Donald Trump the only person in the world. I might actually hate I Let us know in the comments what other weird things you want our hot takes on you wants to respond to like Fashion trends or or you know come on Daniel you surely you can sing of think of a single second thing Gonna go with fashion trends |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_91_Benjamin_Law | It's just Clancy Overall here this week. As we said earlier, Errol Parker is currently chasing a story in Berlin, the Bahnhof region of Berlin, famous for the nightclub the Berghain, which it's about six in the morning over there right now and I dare say he's getting ready to go out and he reckons he's going to get in. He just has to hand his phone over and he'll be inside. So we'll wait to hear back from that. There'll be a few stories coming out of Australia's newest London, Berlin in the next few weeks. In the meanwhile, in the studio today at Baxter Boot Studios, downtown Batutah, we've got another iconic Queensland wordsmith in the shape of Benjamin Law.
How are you mate? G'day. I'm really well. Thanks for having me.
Now, you are from that part of the world which you wouldn't actually call, originally you wouldn't call where you were from the Sunshine Coast. You'd call it... Well it is, I did grow up on the Sunshine Coast but in the kind of decidedly non-glamorous, aggressively suburban, next to a highway part of the Sunshine Coast. So rather than hearing the waves at night, you'd hear the little doot, doot, doot of the traffic button so you could actually cross the road. That was the soundtrack of my youth. Okay.
So was this Nambour? I was born in Nambour, hometown to Wayne Swan and Kevin Rudd. It was the only hospital. So I have to say that I came from Nambour, that's still what I put down on my passport and stuff like that. It was the only hospital around but then I grew up in the rich surrounds of Kawana.
Oh, beautiful. And between Kawana, between Kaloundra and like Maloolaba, I call it the perineum of the Sunshine Coast. It's between things. Yeah, a hinterland of sorts. Hmm, kind of. I mean there is a hinterland on the Sunshine Coast which is lush and green and mountainous whereas my landscape was, as I said, a highway, an artificial canal that was full of sometimes dying turtles, but it was pleasant enough. So you kind of got to really feel the kind of Queensland glow up, you got to see the industrial kind of coming of age. Yeah.
You might have been there under Joe. I was there under Joe.
In fact, the funny thing is I went to a very conservative Lutheran school on the Sunshine Coast. Oh, they would have been proud of him. And well, they were so proud in fact that the pastor of our school was Joe Bjorka Peterson's son-in-law. And so when Joe got knocked off his perch by, well I guess his own party and Micah Hearn, the news was treated with somberness at our school.
I think a somberness that probably set it apart from a lot of the rest of the state. Certainly different to what was probably happening in Musgrave Park at the time. Probably what was different to happening, well, the rest of the country at the time.
Now tell us, you've spoken a lot about growing up that way and most recently in your show, Waltz of the Dragon, as we learnt through your kind of writing and your recent documentary series, you'll find Chinese Australian communities all over Australia. But there wouldn't have been a big one. No, not where we were growing up. So Waltzing the Dragon, which was this two part series that we did for the ABC, it was about Chinese Australian history, but the format was a road trip, one with my mum, one with my dad, retracing their steps. And really, as much as we talk about the Chinese being pioneers during the gold rush, obviously, I kind of feel like mum and dad were pioneers in their own way, in the Sunshine Coast in the 1970s. There just were so few other Chinese people, in fact there was one other Chinese family there who were running the Chinese restaurant, and that's why my parents came over from Hong Kong. I look back now and I realise that I grew up in such a monoculture, but I didn't think of it that way at the time, but I could really count the number of other Chinese kids, Asian Australian kids, kids who weren't white at my school, and I went to a big school, probably in my year level on a single hand.
It didn't bother me at the time, I just knew I was different, that didn't need to be a liability, but then, you know, later you go to high school during the height of Hansonism round one and you realise, ah, it's kind of a liability in its own way. Yeah. Now the closest thing I can think of would be Kevin Rudd. He could speak Mandarin, and we came a long way from, we came a long way in those years from Hanson to Rudd, didn't we? Yeah, completely. That was quite a kind of roundabout, but at the same time, I also look back on the era of Hansonism and everyone kind of talks about it as, wow, that's such a blip and anomaly in Australian history. Well actually, in terms of anti-Chinese racism, the blip and the anomaly was probably the era in which I grew up, which was like late 80s, start of world expo, celebration of multiculturalism, and then it kind of ended. There was only a brief reprieve from it in a way. How does that make you feel now, looking back at what was obviously felt so very real at the time and was, as a Chinese Australian under Hanson, and I'm sure the rhetoric on the TV would have been pretty red hot, but I'm sure it was much worse in the schoolyard, to now look at this new and improved One Nation who tried to pretend that didn't happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, completely. So when you ask that question, it makes me think of the time I actually troweled Pauline Hanson on the New South Wales state election campaign, where no one thought she had a chance in hell of winning, and she didn't in the state election, but of course she would rise like a phoenix with the Australian Senate. I did ask her about that.
I said, look, Pauline, obviously during that period, there was a lot of anti-Chinese racism happening at the time, and my feeling is that was very strongly associated with your rise and anti-Asian rhetoric. And she, as much as they don't prosecute the anti-Asian rhetoric specifically now, because it's kind of gone out of fashion, it's more about Muslims and sharia law, in that period, she talks about it as if, well, I was right, wasn't I? Like, Australia's become much more Asian, like we are swamped. It's kind of like she will never apologise for stoking the flames of hatred. Yeah. But you're finding it now, it's gone another way where it's a conversation politicians don't have, because they've seen how nasty it can be. I mean, the last thing you want with diplomatic relations is another shirt front, when you're dealing with a big government, and Russia was obviously Abbott's greatest gaffe. And I guess Australians haven't been that confident in politicians talking about China or to China since Rudd. That's true. And I actually feel like there's kind of simmers are reaching boiling point now.
We've always had a bit of a dance with China, especially, you know, from China opening its gates onwards. And that relationship has always been tense, because obviously, communist country, authoritarian elite. One of the main reasons that Australia became such a heavily populated Mandarin speaking population is because of the events of Tiananmen Square. But at the same time, we also know that we've got a long history of anti-Chinese racism. So we don't want criticism about China to be conflated with criticism about Chinese people. And now things are reaching a really interesting point with what's going on in Hong Kong. And I think Hong Kong, because that's where my folks are, have really forced people to become much more nuanced in their conversation about China, about Chinese people, about Hong Kongers, about Hong Kong, all of that stuff. What's happening, say, between mainland Chinese government and what's going on in Hong Kong is a horrible state of affairs. But one interesting side effect, I think, has been a much more nuanced, hopefully, conversation. We still sometimes fall into the trap about, with anti-Chinese xenophobia, I think that's pretty...
Because it's so easy for politicians to do that. That's why they fall into it, because it's so much easier to push a hot button than talk with nuance. I think it's much more codified now.
We talk about our anxieties about real estate, even though you can't participate in an Australian auction unless you're an Australian resident or citizen. We talk about our anxieties with baby milk formula and stuff like that.
That's a slow news day on A Current Affair, that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think it's become much more fragmented.
Your family migrated in the 70s, you said? Yeah, mid-1970s. Mid-1970s.
So they would have had a very different experience. You went through that a little bit.
You spent a bit of time up north, North Queensland, about the history of China up there. Atherton Tablelands had some sort of a Chinatown, I guess you could say. Yeah, basically, they had their whole kind of economy there when it came to them harvesting the fields. I mean, if you go to far North Queensland, so much of the landscape that you see there that now is land that's conducive to growing crops, they were cleared by the Chinese. What was once bushland and scrub, that was cleared by Chinese people. During the war, Chinese people would grow crops there, start an economy, also with local indigenous people that they'd hire. When the war ended, they were basically forced off the land they had cleared because you weren't allowed to own land. So it's really interesting seeing how not only Chinese people changed the kind of social landscape but the actual, literal landscape. Yeah, the last names particularly in the Aboriginal communities up north and in the non-Aboriginal communities.
I mean, the last, before Pauline's renaissance, as you were talking about earlier, her last MP at a state level, after that landslide win that she took in 13 and then did what she does best where lost them all to independence or resignation. The last MP she had was a white woman with a Chinese last name in North Queensland in that era.
It was particularly funny to think about. But Cairns had a Chinatown as well. I mean, and Cairns had a particularly big community, still does. Yeah, and if you go to some parts of Cairns and you talk to the Chinese population there, not only do they have a significant community, but a lot of the people know exactly where they belong on the family tree. They're like, I'm the third daughter of the fourth son of the third daughter of the second daughter of the first wife of Kwong Soo Duk, and it's like, how do you even know that? And you've got these photographs that look like they were taken at the turn of the century in imperial China, but they were taken in 1904 in Cairns.
It's wild. How was that navigated?
Because I know the kind of Italian, indentured migrants, Italian Maltese up in that part of the world. And of course, the South Sea Islanders had a lot of trouble marrying white people. But it seemed to be something that was almost much more common with the Chinese population up there. And I think there were probably mixed reactions, as Australian history is kind of complex with its race relations generally. A lot of the Chinese men started having white wives in Australia while simultaneously having Chinese wives in China who never came over.
So they'd maintain these two families. Sometimes with both wives' knowledge. A bit like an old Qantas pilot, eh? Yeah, yeah, exactly. And sometimes without the knowledge. So I think there was a little bit of a dance going on sometimes with these dynasties. Yeah.
Was it done in waves or was it just a consistent trickle, you reckon, of migration from China? Well, I mean, what was really interesting about the documentary was that it showed that there's been Chinese Australians in the country since before the gold rush. You know, we're always taught in school that they came during the gold rush and blah, blah, blah. And certainly that was such a huge, significant wave of people who actually thought they were going to go back to China with their riches. But just because you come over for a gold rush doesn't mean you find all of the gold. But there were indentured labourers before that. And even prior to that, the Chinese were driving this trade with the Yongmu people through the McCassins who would come over and harvest sea cucumber.
There was already this really rich, robust, complex economy already going. And largely respectful economy, too. That kind of whole idea that you can only participate in a global economy if you loot, plunder and kill is kind of ridiculous.
Yeah. There's a few words I know that have popped up in Maningrida to this day that are used by the elders up there, which would point back to China and, you know, obviously a lot through Torres Strait. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And if you go like we did in the documentary, you go to North East Arnhem Land where the Yongmu people have had that big trade with McCassins in Indonesia. This predates wide arrival by a long time. And they know where their family is in Indonesia, their extended family. There's McCassin language within Yongmu language and apparently vice versa.
That's how porous that trade was. Yeah. Now, you said growing up, you only really saw the gold rush in Tinman Square. That's that's about the only two dot points. Yeah. If you were even lucky. If you did that much history in high school. Australian curriculum and probably to this day, it could still be very criticized for being quite revisionist. But, you know, there are a lot of identities that I guess on a local level people know about. You know, LJ Hooker, famous real estate baron, you know, proud Chinese Australian, although it wasn't just it wasn't public knowledge. Yeah.
And of course, all the Anzacs, Billy Singh and Caleb Shane, both Queenslanders. Billy Singh had the they used to brag about these kind of things with the biggest kill rate at a Gallipoli, 150 plus confirmed kills.
And those stories kind of disappear. You know, Simpson and his donkey, whereas you don't hear so much about Billy Singh or, you know, Caleb Shang. Did you find any kind of research, this hidden history from you, hidden, hidden Australian kind of figures? I mean, of course, there's also the white Chinese as well that came from Russia. So much of what we learned in the documentary was just not something that had been on my radar. And I read history right throughout high school, I was one of the kids when we were given the electives of what you would study this semester, I was the one who studied Communist China, for instance. So I should know so much of that history. But I just didn't, you know, like, obviously, in the Macassan trade, which has been captured in art and literature before, that just wasn't something that I was that clear about. I didn't know the timeline of the fact that there were shepherds here before the gold rush, these kind of icons that you're bringing up now, you know, these are names that we should all know.
And I think when all of, in all of the culture wars, when they when everyone says we should know our history more, like, that's right. But what they we need to do by extension of that is to note all of our histories, plural. I think people are really tense and anxious about a complicated or contradictory history. Whereas I think mature nations actually lean into the complexities are able to acknowledge that, yes, we're a great country that has had racial tensions, but also racial cooperation. This is how multiculturalism was forged. Yes, it was on the basis of settling and genocide. We need to acknowledge that surely we're able to incorporate all these different parts of history simultaneously, that that rub up against each other, because that's a story of any nation. Do you have any examples of any countries you think have probably done a better job at that?
Maybe I was recently in New Zealand, and I find it quite astonishing when you go to basically any official event. And you've got plenty of Pakia, which is white settler, New Zealanders doing at least part of the proceedings in in Taraya Maori. And when I went to this conference over there, this screen conference, you've got a lot of Maori community elders and leaders having and delivering the formalities in Taraya.
And then they switch to English and say, look, the reason we're doing this is not to exclude you, but to also use our language because it is an endangered language. And what I learned is that critical mass for any language is 250,000 speakers. And if you know, you actually see Taraya being used in like kindergartens and schools and the fact that non Maori people know a little bit at least, like they're far ahead of Australia, and even then they're talking about an endangered language.
But I think there is this kind of better sense of national, if not pride, then acknowledgement of what the country is, which is a complicated country with a complex past. And I think Australia has gotten to that stage where we can even reconcile, you know, forget reconciliation country, I don't think we can reconcile even within ourselves a lot of the time that we've got a complicated past. We deny it actively so, so often and steamroll it. But now I start seeing kids, you know, they know the kind of Aboriginal stories of their country that they're on. They know acknowledgement of country, they sort of start the school day with it. That's something that's just kind of happened within the last 15 years that I've noticed of being outside of school. I think there is an opportunity there for us to find, you know, for all of our hand wringing over who we are as a nation. I think countries like New Zealand, countries like Taiwan, have found it within their indigenous populations and their indigenous stories.
Yeah, I guess the Irish are pretty good at it as well, they just refuse to not talk about it. Dormant in the troubles. Yes.
Now, on the same note, you know, there's complex conversations about, you know, who's represented and whose story is worth hearing. You've come from a journalistic background. Are you of the opinion right now that Australian media might be a bit off the mark? Just in general, we're not talking race, not talking, just talking stories. Just talking stories that penetrate and stories that disappear into the air. I mean, maybe we could drill it down into more specifics. I find it hilarious that, you know, we seem to be a country that has like this glut of political commentators, but usually they are from the same background, the same class, roughly the same age. And for the myriad numbers of them, I'm kind of like wondering, like, shouldn't we have more interesting or diverse perspectives? I think it's just a moral surface that makes them different to each other. Well, I just think it's a bit of a class that's a little bit self-congratulatory, but usually ends up coming to very similar conclusions. If you're not going to have people from different ages, different backgrounds, different experiences in there, this is supposed to be a conversation that affects us all. So I do think like political media commentary in Australia is sometimes a little bit focused through a singular lens. And they might say, look, we've got some, you know, progressive journalists over on this side and we've got like journalists from the Australian over on that side.
And I'm like, there's more than that. There's far more than that.
Exactly, completely. And they often have. I mean, parliament definitely has.
A lot of the country's media was shocked after the last election because it was... We didn't see it coming. Like people in big business were following the lead of the media and were already writing off which, you know, senators need to get close to which MP, who's going to be in this cabinet position because it was just such a sure thing. And it actually affects the economy that way because people are prepared for a changeover and then they... It's not coming. And then we've got a government come through with a whole lot of battlefield promotions. So you haven't really heard these people's names before and now they're in charge of foreign affairs.
Well, recently I interviewed Dave Sharma, who's the new MP for Wentworth, who did actually win his seat off Karen Phelps, who had it for a very, very brief period. And he even admitted to me that he, I mean, I'm not sure that he can represent anyone except himself, but at least he didn't even see that victory for his own party coming.
So I don't know what that tells us, whether that's a story about media discussions or whether that's a story about social research and polling and all that stuff. It's probably a story about all of those things. But I also do wonder if it's a story, I mean, for all of these cliches of silent and quiet Australians, I don't know, are we looking at those stories properly? Are we having those conversations in good faith?
Because Australia is a big continent. And I also feel like at the last election as well, I was having really, like, head-fuck conversations with members of my family where I said, so, you know, what issues are you taking to the ballot box? Everyone said the environment in my family, and yet they voted, you know, plenty of my family members voted for the coalition. And that kind of stands with the data. I recently was involved in the Australia Talks special on the ABC, you know, biggest survey of Australians outside of the census. And the data keeps coming back that the number one issue for all Australians is the environment. But this narrative hasn't really reached Australians where political policy necessarily translates to environmental change or protection.
Why not? Like, I'm not sure anyone's explained that yet. But didn't we see this, you could argue we saw this with the plebiscite, where it felt like everyone was ready to go for five years before they went about it the weirdest way they possibly could have? Yeah. I mean, I think- Do they need to be led by big business? Is that kind of how it feels? I mean, they really started listening when ANZ changed their logo to have a rainbow in it.
I think it's a slightly different thing, because I think the same-sex marriage thing, that discussion was a bit more straightforward in a way, which is if parliament legislates a same-sex marriage, men and women will be able to marry each other, men with men, women with women, and hopefully everyone in between. Whereas I think with the climate change stuff, you know, it's slightly different because what people are saying doesn't match up with how they're voting. Because with the polling with same-sex marriage, it was consistently like 60x% want same-sex marriage, and that came up in the data. With something like climate change, it's like over 80% of Australians think it's the top issue, and yet their vote is completely different. So obviously there's some sort of disjoint between our politically held beliefs and our understanding of what politics can do. I think my theory is that people, a lot of people in Australia, don't necessarily seeing any political party being able to do anything about climate change. That it's a global weather event. A vote in Australia is not going to change anything.
Do you think there's a little bit of nihilism there? Or is that just a dark millennial take on it? Maybe. But I also wonder that, I mean, you know, go back to my home state and start having a conversation about Adani, and it becomes really, really complicated yet again. Yeah. Yeah, it did make sense, though.
You know, people don't really say much aloud until they go into the ballot. As much as the quiet Australian's been bandied out a lot in recent kind of months. I also have these other theories. I wonder whether it's American politics, British politics, Australian politics. People vote for the person they have strongest feelings towards.
You know what I mean? Whereas if you can command hate, you know, what do they say?
The opposite of hate isn't love. It's an emotional investment. The opposite of love is actually apathy. And I'm just not sure people cared or felt anything about someone like Bill Shorten.
And therefore, that's enough to actually kill your vote altogether. Absolutely.
I remember we said the day we thought in the Batutah advocate newsroom, the day that we thought Morrison was coming through again was Easter Sunday, where he took the media into his church, which was a bold decision, considering what goes on in there. And then from there, went to the Easter show, was photographed all day eating some sort of food and drinking some sort of soft drink. And then went from there to the Cronulla Sharks match, all the while wearing cargo trousers and a Cronulla Sharks hat.
That is more kind of Queensland dad than Queensland dad, even though he's not a Queensland dad. He easily tapped into that state's vote with those kind of semiotics. Yeah, and I thought just for the record, this looks like a man who is campaigning very hard. I went and looked at what Shorten had done that day.
And he'd run a marathon with his wife and someone else. Isn't that what you do every weekend, run a marathon? That's what I do. Yeah, I just think marathons are for very impressive people.
And if you want to cast a wide net, you're not going to get them with a marathon, mate. Let that be a lesson to Albo. Stay slightly unfit and eat whatever you want. Yeah, go to the wrestling, mate.
Now tell us a little bit about the family law, which is a family memoir published by you, was on SBS and may have been the first all Asian leads in Australia. Yeah, so there have definitely been Asian Australian characters in Australian TV before. But they tend to be characters like the Lim family on Ramsey Street, the first Hong Kong Chinese family to move into Ramsey Street who were promptly accused of barbecuing the neighborhood dog. I'm not making that up. Look up the Lim family on Google.
You see something quite shocking there. And as soon as, of course, they didn't barbecue the neighborhood dog. All the white characters learned that racism was bad. And then the lesson was learned. So the Lim family just promptly disappeared from the street. Their usefulness was expired. They came for the lesson.
So with the family law, it was a pioneering show, the first ever Asian Australian family at the center of the show. Majority Asian cast, so over 90% Asian Australian cast. But to be honest, I'm so glad that we are a pioneering show. But the bar is so low that it doesn't take much to be a pioneering show on Australian TV sometimes. And to be honest, I actually feel like our show came too late. Because nowadays, and even when the show premiered, roughly one in 10 Australians have significant Asian heritage.
That's the same proportion of how many black Americans there are in the United States. Think of how much black representation there is in American media, in culture, popular culture, or otherwise.
And you're like, jeez, we've got a long way to go in this country. Do you see in your work in production and media someone putting their foot down ever? Do you actually see these doors not opening? Look, I've been quite lucky, I have to say. I've probably been the beneficiary of a lot of creatives who came through the system where there were even fewer faces like theirs.
For instance, Tony Ayers, our executive producer, Chinese Australian dude. Debbie Lee, another executive producer, Chinese Australian woman.
They were working in the screen industries where it was probably even more of a monoculture. And now that they're two of the most important and powerful gatekeepers on Australian screen, they can bring people along with them. So of course I've been the beneficiary of that. And being able to tell what I thought was quite a gentle story suddenly becomes this huge pioneering moment for Australian TV.
And similarly with the third season, it was the first Australian TV show that showcased queer teen sexuality ever. Please Like Me, Josh Thomas's Please Like Me did that for younger adults. But to do something like teenagers actually having cognizance of being gay, for instance, that just hadn't been done on Australian TV.
And similarly, we weren't looking to necessarily break huge ground, although of course I've got my own personal gay agenda. But you don't have to do much with this country's TV landscape.
Particularly during the plebiscite, did you see that you were being accused of some sort of conspiracy or did you get much of that? During the same sex marriage postal survey, I released a quarterly essay about the Safe Schools scandal that really, really dug into News Corporation and specifically the Australian newspaper for their really dodgy, sometimes false coverage of Safe Schools and what they thought it was. So it was like not a coincidence that on the day the quarterly essay comes out, the Australian starts a campaign against me taking a tweet where I offered my body to Andrew Hastie and other people like him saying, look, if it gets the homophobia out of your system, I'm up for it. And they were like national rape advocate, Benjamin Law wants to hate fuck Andrew because I used the phrase hate fuck in my tweet. And it's just like, he wants to rape our MPs. And so even to this day, they're like, you know, like if I have a gig on the project or the ABC, there'll be a few trolls lurking around through this thing. How dare you have this rape advocate on your TV show? I mean, I should almost get it on a business card, really, geez. Yeah, no, I didn't actually think they'd twisted your words that hard, but I did see a lot of talk about a kind of a rainbow mafia and this globalist kind of gay feminist funded by Soros kind of thing.
You do find that if you are some sort of like ethnic or sexual minority in this country, and I happen to be both, I'm a walking ticker box, that all other aspects of your professional life are erased. If you're talked about in the public sphere, you suddenly become activist. So activist Benjamin Law, I mean like I've got friends who are professional activists and I feel sorry that my tweets have been conflated with their full time profession, which is to advocate and agitate for social and political change. I'm like, I write TV shows and stupid tweets, but activist, I mean, similarly Yasmin Abdel-Majid, Osman Faruqi, they're like.
Well, Yasmin started as like a V8 kind of commentator. Yeah, completely.
This is a woman who is working on the rigs. You know, she has friends who have worked to the rigs who vote for one nation and stuff. And she is similarly to me, a bit of a Queensland bogue, but for her suddenly to be an inner city activist or her painted that way, if you know Yas, is pretty comical.
But do you find that there's another end of the spectrum where you might, like you said, walking ticker box, get invited onto a panel and you realise, oh, it's not because of the work I've done, it's because they want my perspective. Sometimes I think my perspective should be included. So I'm kind of happy if they want someone to introduce those kinds of topics. Hopefully I bring that with merit. I mean, that whole idea of like tokenism. I'm kind of less anxious about tokenism and I'm more anxious about nepotism. Do you know what I mean? Like for all of these kind of hand wringing about inclusivity campaigns and diversity initiatives, I think sometimes we forget that those initiatives exist because nepotism kind of breeds insularity.
And certainly if you want me to emcee something because you need some gay agent, I will take the fuck out of your money. Well, we spoke to Briggs on the podcast before and he said he often gets invited somewhere or he'll be doing something. What'll end up happening is he'll say something like, oh, rednecks can suck me off, rednecks get fucked.
And he'll be met with like a golf clap from academics. I mean, that's their level of enthusiasm. That's roaring applause in their circles. Whereas he's just kind of looking at it as a sledge or just some sort of, you know, something that a rapper would say. That's just him saying hello. That's Briggs' good day.
Now, what are you working on at this moment? Okay, what am I working on at this moment?
So I've got a play with Melbourne Theatre Company that starts Valentine's Day 2020. It's a play that looks at the mental illness that is compulsive hoarding. And that condition braids together some of our most serious conversations of our time, like mental illness, capitalism gone wrong, real estate prices. So of course it's a comedy. So I've heard that's the fastest growing mental illness? Apparently over 1 million Australians have some sort of form of it on the spectrum, which is like, yeah, which is, I guess, roughly what?
One in 25 people have trouble with their belongings. And for a long time it was considered a subset of OCD or some people thought, oh, well, if you've come from a deprived background, then obviously you're holding on to stuff. Both of those things can be true, but the central thing that's at the core of most people's hoarding conditions is unresolved trauma, a lot of trauma. We live in a society where trauma happens and sometimes isn't resolved properly.
And this is one of the manifestations of it. I find it interesting anyone listening who's done Meals on Wheels as a kid would have seen this in full flight. The things that get hoarded are so interesting. They're never as useful as hoarding money or hoarding gold, you know what I mean? It's every third edition of this newspaper or something. Milk bottle caps. And if you read, there's a really great book that I based a lot of my research on. It's called Stuff. It's by an American psychotherapist. And what he finds is that this junk that we don't see, people without this condition don't see any value in, hoarders almost have this incredible, if you want to look at it that way, ability to see usefulness in everything.
I mean, of course for them, their ability to categorize things is so eroded that the apparent use that they see in milk caps will never be used in that way. But they really do have this genuine belief that this screwed up USB cable can be used by someone again. But I don't have time to do it now, so they just need to hold on to it. And if you get rid of it, it's incredibly violating and distressing for them. Yeah, that's what I guess you wonder really, isn't it? It must hurt to get rid of.
Rich territory for theater. So that's what I'm working on at the moment. And look, I've got my weekly gigs. I interview people for Good Weekend and we talk about pop culture on ABC RN and also working on an SBS drama that is kind of like a Deadwood Western set in the gold fields of Australia in the 1850s, yeah.
The flats down that way? Yeah, well, we were looking at like an area like Young, but we're probably gonna set it in a place like Bendigo. Well, yeah, the oldest Joss temple in Australia.
Yeah. Incorrect. Well, you see the structures that do remain are quite remarkable. The one that we went to in Atherton for Waltzing the Dragon is just stunning. If you're ever in North Queensland, yeah, make time for it. Well, take note listeners. This is Benjamin Law. He's not in Kawana anymore. Oh, you know, sometimes I get there. Yeah, they're still up there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Walk around Big W, my first ever paid job. Shout out to Big W at Kawana. You might not exist for much longer. Well, thank you for joining us and Merry Christmas up there in Kawana.
Now, what are you working on at this moment? Okay, what am I working on at this moment?
So I've got a play with Melbourne Theatre Company that starts Valentine's Day 2020. It's a play that looks at the mental illness that is compulsive hoarding and that condition braids together some of our most serious conversations of our time like mental illness, capitalism gone wrong, real estate prices. So of course it's a comedy.
So I've heard that's the fastest growing mental illness? Apparently over 1 million Australians have some sort of form of it on the spectrum, which is like, yeah, which is I guess roughly what?
One in 25 people have trouble with their belongings. And for a long time, it was considered a subset of OCD or some people thought, oh, well, if you've come from a deprived background, then obviously you're holding onto stuff. Both of those things can be true, but the central thing that's at the core of most people's hoarding conditions is unresolved trauma, a lot of trauma. We live in a society where trauma happens and sometimes isn't resolved properly.
And this is one of the manifestations of it. I find it interesting anyone listening who's done Meals on Wheels as a kid would have seen this in full flight. The things that get hoarded are so interesting. They're never as useful as hoarding money or hoarding gold, you know what I mean? It's every third edition of this newspaper or something. Milk bottle caps. And if you read, there's a really great book that I based a lot of my research on. It's called Stuff. It's by an American psychotherapist. And what he finds is that this junk that we don't see, that people without this condition don't see any value in, hoarders almost have this incredible, if you wanna look at it that way, ability to see usefulness in everything.
I mean, of course for them, their ability to categorize things is so eroded that the apparent use that they see in milk caps will never be used in that way. But they really do have this genuine belief that this screwed up USB cable can be used by someone again, but I don't have time to do it now, so I just need to hold on to it. And if you get rid of it, it's incredibly violating and distressing for them. Yeah, that's what I guess you wonder really, isn't it? It must hurt to get rid of.
Rich territory for theater. So that's what I'm working on at the moment. And look, I've got my weekly gigs. I interview people for Good Weekend and we talk about pop culture on ABC RN, and also working on an SBS drama that is kind of like a Deadwood Western set in the gold fields of Australia in the 1850s.
Yeah. The Flats down that way? Yeah, it's kind of, well, we were looking at an area like Young, but we're probably gonna set it in a place like Bendigo. Well, yeah, the oldest Joss temple in Australia. Yeah. Incorrect. Well, you see, the structures that do remain are quite remarkable. The one that we went to in Atherton for Waltzing the Dragon is just stunning. If you're ever in North Queensland, yeah, make time for it. Well, take note, listeners. This is Benjamin Law. He's not in Kawana anymore. Oh, you know, sometimes I get there. Yeah, they're still up there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Walk around Big W, my first ever paid job. Shout out to Big W at Kawana. You might not exist for much longer. Well, thank you for joining us and Merry Christmas up there at Kawana. |
cracked | another_f_cking_transformers_movie_cracked_responds | So you guys want to watch Transformers 5, the last night? Yeah, let's do it. The movie no one asked for, but we got it anyway. Oh.
Without sacrifice. And Nazis. They're really throwing everything against the wall and seeing what sticks. Yeah, this one's got everything. Nazis, dragons, robots, I don't know what you want. Sports. It's the football stadium from Dark Knight. It rises, yeah. And the kids from Stranger Things?
I feel like they're taking a lot of scenes from other movies I've seen and just putting them together in one movie. That is a big robot anus. Good God. Whole thing takes place in a robot. Optimus Prime has left us. Yeah, that was a shot like of Optimus Prime floating through space. Yeah. I hope the whole movie just keeps cutting away to him drifting in space like he never actually shows up.
And there he is. There's our guy, Marky Mark. They keep coming here. They've used this one before already in the trailer.
A lot of floating through space. It's the black hole from Interstellar. I think it's Unicron. What is Unicron? It's a giant planet transformer. Is it a planet that trans- is it like a car or something? I think it turns into a dude. I think the planet is the car.
You never know where these things are going. What's becoming abundantly clear to me now, they've really got me like in one ear out the- I remember nothing. I have no memory of seeing any of these movies. Transformers 4, I sat in theaters and walked out and it was like I had blacked out. I didn't read anything. It's just lights and colors. It's too much, it's sensory overload and I can't retain any of it.
They're just one shiny fight. Oh yeah, they have tons because the animated series went on for long enough. That was a nice body slam. This is gonna have robots fighting. That was the good robot who almost killed Marky Mark.
And the longest transition to title I think I've ever seen. The titles keep getting more and more elaborate because every single one transforms.
And this one they barely bothered. It's just a big fucking computer now. It was sad Michael Bay. There were still a lot of explosions and color but it was kind of a bummer. Well every trailer now is designed to depress us. It's all slow covers and Johnny Cash, new Pirates trailer has Johnny Cash. They just want us bummed out.
It should be noted that some of the Facebook, the social media advertising has brought up the mini dino bots and they're like little baby dinosaurs. So I think there's gonna be like adorable baby dinosaurs in this fucking tragic movie about Optimus Prime going crazy. All our heroes are turning into villains but cute little babies. I'm so scared for them because if you watch the previous Transformers there is some brutal transformer on transformer violence in this. I believe Optimus Prime ripped one of their spines out at one point and like blue one was, have you guys seen the previous ones?
Hold on, hold on. Why is their nervous system based around a spine? That's kind of a flaw in human design that there's just a breakable line in us, you know? I would rather be more car than human if I had the choice.
Who do you guys think is the last knight? I hope they make Anthony Hopkins just put armor on with a sword and like go fight Transformer. Like a Don Quixote figure, it's never gonna work out. Every Transformer has had an actor who is way too good to be in a Transformer. The first one had John Tatoro which I think he's in a few of them. Francis McDormand, John Malkovich, Stanley Tucci. John Goodman voice is a Transformer. I'm all about bad ideas.
I wanna talk about very early in the trailer you might've noticed that Nazis blew up and it turns out for apparently those two seconds of trailer and probably not a lot of movie, they shot that at a place in England that is Winston Churchill's birthplace and they were like, let's dress up Winston Churchill's birthplace with big Nazi banners and then people were upset because that's Winston Churchill's birthplace. Because of how incredibly disrespectful that is to Winston Churchill. And then somebody asked Michael Bay about it and his quote was along the lines of when people see this movie they'll realize that we actually make Winston Churchill a hero of the movie. We had to desecrate his birthplace to make him a hero.
I'm glad he finally is getting his due that way. And it's also, it's not like they can just like digitally add swastikas later or anything. Yeah, the movie is full of digital robots but they were like, no, we need an actual mansion. It's gotta be real. And specifically it needs to be Churchill's birthplace. This is where we draw the line on authenticity. I'm sure, I bet Michael Bay like floated the idea of blowing it up and they were just like, I don't think we can do that. I'll ask.
Well, obviously we're gonna get a billion more of these. So, Transformer Six? Bicycles, just all bicycles. Yeah, I feel like by the time we get to 10 it's gonna be those tougher boards because those explode on their own. So, it writes itself. I think these are our Godzillas in that we're gonna make so many of them.
They're gonna do great overseas. This is paramount keeping the lights on by getting something that can go over to China and make a bunch of money. Can we get better movies to China?
What if this franchise is like keeping the American economy afloat? Single-handedly saving Hollywood, probably. It's the only reason the Camaro came back.
So all this is great. Good job, Transformers. Thank you. Yeah, keep going. You make 30 Transformers, one of them is gonna be good eventually. It's like the monkeys with typewriters. Yeah, it's just gonna happen eventually. Everybody, thanks for watching. Please like and subscribe.
And let us know about, there's gonna be a Bumblebee spinoff movie coming up. Let us know what you think that'll be. Yeah, does it even matter what it will be or will you forget it immediately? Also, that's going to be a movie.
Why? Apparently they saved the economy. Don't blow it. Bumblebee! |
dropout | grant_and_katie_are_starting_their_own_company_hardly_working | I'm back! I'm pissed off! Nobody here respects me! Me neither!
It's time to finally do something about it. Yes! I'll help. What are we going to do? Start our own company. Yeah! That'll show off. Yeah! What should our new company do? It's got to be something really different than that fucking shithole college humor.
Maybe something with like, um, cars. Cars are pretty big right now. What are we just going to make a new type of car to sell? Eventually I think we will, yes, but we don't have the money for that yet. What if we make online videos about cars until we have money?
I love that.
And the videos don't have to all be about cars. Oh my god! Please, cars are boring! Here's the thing.
People like comedy. They love to laugh. We make funny videos.
I love that. So, wait a minute. Is that getting a little similar to what BuzzFeed does? It will be similar, but not the same. I love it.
Okay, now we have to think of a great name. It can't be anything like shithole college humor. Awful name, awful company. What about comedy time? Okay, it's okay, but here's the thing. I prefer the word humor instead of comedy. And who's our target demographic? College kids. Like humor college?
That's so close. Oh, oh, oh, oh! College humor! I love it! Now it's going to be difficult to have a two-person sketch comedy company. Oh, oh, oh! O'Brien!
Here's the thing. I have friends and they might be interested in collaborating. Shall I call them in? Yes, yes, yes. What?
We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore. We're leaving this hellhole for good and we're starting our own company.
Yeah, eventually we're going to start selling cars, but until then we're going to make videos about pop culture, things we observe, anything really. The important thing is we're going to put those videos online. This sounds exactly like what we do now. Who are your cast members? We're thinking you guys plus Rekha.
No trap! It's got to feel different. Grant, here's the thing. Trap is actually an incredibly talented writer and performer. We should have him. Okay, yeah, we should definitely have Mike Trap and who else we should have is Siobhan. Yes! Because we wanted to feel different in college humor. Siobhan works at college humor! Well, she hasn't for a year! Katie, you know us, we should get Sam Reich. Love him. Because he's got a lot of good ideas and I feel like he's sick of that bullshit.
Where are your offices located? This office? The office?
How would you pay us? That's an excellent question. We're thinking we're going to involve a big company with a lot of money, and they're going to give us that money to pay salaries and benefits. Like a parent company. Brilliant! Ooh, ooh, I like her. What's the name of this new company?
College Humor. Jesus Christ. Okay, we have to go. We have real work to do for college humor.
It's the same company, morons! You're just stupid!
Get out! Get out of here! Don't ever come back! You are already standing up to leave. Get out of here! You're not a part of college humor. Go!
Nobody respects our company. Yeah. I'm pissed. Me too. What should we do? Start another new company. Yeah. Get it, get it, get it. I've got to tell you, I've never understood why there's not a space in between college and humor.
It's dumb. It's dumb!
Yeah!
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to college humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
TheOnion | Silicon_Valley_CEO_Explains_How_The_Future_Of_Tech_Is_Him_Being_Wealthy_And_Having_A_Blast | Working in the tech industry, it's hard not to be excited about the future. Virtual reality, clean energy, AI, even space exploration. Our field is going to transform the world and actually make people's lives better. I really do think the future of tech will be about one thing, me becoming fabulously wealthy and having a blast. The tech industry is exciting because things can change so fast.
Even two years ago, I was nowhere close to owning an infinity pool. Now I do laps every morning in one that looks like it's dropping straight into the San Pablo Bay.
Maybe in another two years, and I do believe this is possible, we'll live in a world where I'll be able to buy a Batmobile, just like the one from the Chris Nolan movies, on a whim, just to have it. The future is gonna be incredibly fun for me. The thing that makes me wanna run out of bed every morning and get to work is the possibilities our field has to offer. Will I have a ranch in Montana or a sprawling beach estate on St. Bart's that's only accessible by helicopter? Or maybe both. The thing that's so thrilling is that I could have both. Everyone should be excited about that. I'm always thinking about not just how rich I'm going to be, but also whether I'm going to get into jousting or collecting World War I era motorcycles or ceramics from the Ming dynasty.
That's important. You have to keep your eyes on the big picture in this field. Maybe big game hunting.
No matter what the future holds, I know one thing is for certain. No one is going to be having more fun than me. |
cracked | 4_early_drafts_of_justice_league_characters_too_wild_for_zack_snyder_canonball | The history of the Justice League is almost as long as the Snyder Cut's runtime. If it's swordplay you want, it's swordplay you'll get. The famous super team has battled everything from child-murdering Amazonians, to ill-advised 90s art choices, to the existential crisis that is literally becoming apes. But that all came much later. We want to look at the deranged early versions of the characters we've come to know and tolerate.
I need friends.
This is the show that dives right into the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that Wonder Woman would probably spank us for talking about. We're talking Wonder Woman's love of BDSM, Superman's origins as an evil homeless guy and Darkseid's insatiable thirst for monogamy. No harm is to come to Wonder Woman. This is Cannonball.
Zack Snyder's Justice League had decades of storylines to pull from, but early comic book writers had to start from scratch. And boy did they come up with some weird-ass scratch. Superman started out as an evil homeless dude. One could reasonably assume that Justice League's usual leader, who he's not withstanding, was created during a brainstorming session wherein two nerds went back and forth screaming out every possible superpower and scrolling them onto a dirty napkin.
Flight? Yeah, laser eyes? Hell yeah, brother. He can throw an S symbol on his shirt and it turns into wax paper and captures people mid-flight? I think you know the answer to that.
But when creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster first sat down to make the character, they envisioned him less as a god-like alien and more as a homeless dude named Bill. Oh, and evil. Alfred, I need to pick up. The reign of the Superman appeared in the January 1933 issue of Schuster's self-published fanzine, Science Fiction, because it was easier to name sci-fi magazines back when there was only like four of them. In the story, a mad scientist named Professor Ernest Smalley finds a meteor and devises a way to make it give people telepathic superpowers rather than risk it on himself. Smalley, naturally, tests his invention on a random vagrant he finds waiting in a bread line. This is a lot. After a little convincing, Smalley brings the man back to his lab and transforms him into a very Superman, who immediately kills Smalley and proceeds to wreak havoc on the world. But I'm also a big fan of justice.
Superman initially uses his telepathic powers to thrillingly win card games and manipulate the stock market. But if the World Series of Poker has taught us anything, it's that you can only win so many hands of Texas Holden before inevitably thinking you deserve to rule the planet. So Superman devises a scheme to disrupt a peace conference and throw the planet into chaos, thereby making it easier for him to wrest control from the powers that be. But after that, plot twist, his powers just kind of fade away. His meteor magic vanishes like he entered the sixth hour of a five-hour energy drink, and since regular man didn't think to open up a savings account with his blackjack earnings, he simply goes back to standing in the bread line like he was a week ago.
The end! Honestly, it started to look like the whole random subplot of Superman being evil, and then more or less kind of randomly becoming not evil again, was actually extremely faithful to the comic books. Good job, Zack! Do you bleed? As you might imagine, this D-tier Twilight Zone potboiler didn't exactly blow up and transform Siegel and Shuster into international literary superstars, but it did make Siegel think, what if, instead of being a total douche, this awesomely-named Superman guy was nice?
Then maybe he can live in a house. Oh, okay, still no house, got it.
Number three, Batman was almost a lame dude in a red costume. When the non-evil, hair-having Superman turned out to be a massive hit, What a nice man versus children! the company now known as DC Comics called up all their editors and told them not to bother showing up on Monday if they weren't working on a character who wears underpants on the outside. That's what prompted artist Bob Kane to come up with a new superhero named The Batman. Darling, I don't have to answer to you, I'm Batman. Did he just call you Darling? A dark vigilante who struck fears in the hearts of criminals with his bright red costume and handsome blonde hair. Kane's version of Batman wore a domino mask, dressed in crimson tights and had his wings permanently stuck in an upright position, which would have made getting into the Batmobile a lot more challenging. Luckily, there was no Batmobile, or Batcave, or unhinged villains living in a mental asylum boasting incredibly lax security, or anything you might associate with Batman, other than the words Bat and Man.
The shark repellent Bat spray! Oh, and the other pants on the outside, at least he got that right.
Perhaps sensing that his idea would have had more chances of success if it didn't suck so much, Kane approached writer Bill Finger about banging out some stronger ideas for the Batman concept. Using a process we'll call... Fingerbanging. Kane suggested adding the cowl, the cape, the gloves, and the emo kid fondness for dressing in black. Finger also went ahead and named the character Bruce Wayne, and came up with the whole vengeful orphan angle, so we have him to thank for the fact that we'll be watching the Wayans get murdered on screen until the Earth crumbles into cosmic dust.
You ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? What? More stuff Bill Finger invented?
The term Dark Knight. The name Gotham City. The idea of Batman as a detective, and the Batmobile in the Batcave which we're mentioning one more time because we just think they're neat. He also wrote the first appearances of the characters of Robin, Commissioner Gordon, The Joker, Catwoman, The Penguin, The Scarecrow, The Riddler, Two-Face, Clayface, Mad Hatter, Hugo Strange, Kite Man, Zebra Man, Calendar Man, Polka Dot Man, Penny Plunderer, Ace the Bat Hound, and even the mighty Bat-Mite. Hello, hello, hello dynamic duo! Basically, he created or co-created everything that makes Batman cool, and also Robin.
Holy haberdashery! Holy ravioli! Holy hole in a donut!
Unfortunately for Bill Finger, Bob Kane was way better at negotiating contracts than he was at creating characters, so he got a sweet deal stating that he would be credited as the Cape Crusader's sole creator in every Batman comic. Finger didn't get his first official creator credit until 2015, in the trailer for Batman the Superman Dawn of Justice. But without him, Zack Snyder's Justice League would have featured Ben Aff like meandering around on foot in Red Pajamas for four hours and two minutes. Someone else who got some long overdue cinematic recognition in Dawn of Justice is Wonder Woman, but maybe it's for the best that her early incarnation was never in a movie.
Number two, Wonder Woman was born of BDSM and secretarial work. Wonder Woman is often depicted as a badass warrior. A symbol of female empowerment and a role model for girls everywhere. So it might surprise you to learn that her early adventures were less about dismantling the patriarchy and more about indulging her creator's weird bondage obsession. See, Wonder Woman was created by psychologist William Moulton Marston, with the invaluable input of his wife Elizabeth and their shared girlfriend, the bracelet-wearing Olive Byrne. Dr. Marston was a big believer in the social and psychological benefits of tying yourself and your loved ones up every once in a while. So he designed Wonder Woman to be sort of a celebrity spokesperson for the noble art of submission.
The result is a comic where the hero is constantly tying up bad guys, or other women, or random gorillas, or getting chained up herself and loving it, or getting spanked or any number of other fetish fodder material that had nothing to do with fighting Nazis, which was the main job of superheroes back then. When she isn't embarking on 50 shades of gray action with war criminals, Wonder Woman often partakes in bizarre bondage rituals back home on Paradise Island. In Wonder Woman number three from 1943, for instance, the Amazons celebrate Diana's Day, which is basically BDSM Christmas. That is, instead of decorating trees and getting socks from your uncle, you put on Eyes Wide Shut-type masks, hunt down women dressed in furry reindeer costumes, and then pretend to serve them as a giant pie. The issue spends like eight pages on this stuff before the villains even show up, because it was more important to teach 1940s kids about safe and responsible bondage etiquette. And when Wonder Woman does get around to fighting supervillains, half the time she ends up dragging them back to lesbian Utopia Island for bondage rehabilitation, or just brainwashing them into not being dicks anymore.
As for other superheroes, she does team up with them pretty often, as their secretary. When Wonder Woman joins the Justice Society of America in 1942's All-Star Comics number 11, it's explained that some of her fellow heroes, quote, felt that a woman should not be permitted to become a member, presumably due to Cootie's related considerations or because they were afraid of getting tied up in their sleep. Luckily, they kindly allowed her to sit in on their meetings and take notes, as the official JSA secretary, meaning that, despite being strong enough to lift an island, Wonder Woman has to stay home and sharpen pencils or change the toner in the printer while the boys go off and fight evil. Her fellow superheroes may not have appreciated Wonder Woman, but someone else sure did.
Number one, Darkseid's motivation was mostly marrying Wonder Woman. I've waited a long time for this moment. One of the big selling points for Zack Snyder's Justice League is that we finally get to see Darkseid, the ultimate bad guy of the DC universe, and technically the Marvel universe too, since Thanos is basically his Walmart brand rip-off. In the comics, Darkseid's motivation is to acquire the anti-life equation and control all of reality. But in his first animated appearance, he would have settled for controlling one very specific part of the universe, wherever Wonder Woman happens to be standing, because he's horny for her. My queen! The 1984 and 1985 seasons of Super Friends introduced Darkseid as a villain, resulting in his first ever TV appearances, first action figures and accessories, and first Burger King cup holders. Darkseid's creator, Jack Kirby, handled the official comics tie-in, so he must have been aware that the show changed the character's entire motivation from exterminate free will and bring complete order to existence to marrying this hot lady he's never met before. Wonder Woman! Darkseid's plans on the show usually follow the same formula.
Step one, catch Wonder Woman by her lonesome. Wonder Woman, eh? Is she alone? I was hoping you'd come alone. Wonder Woman, alone!
I thought you would be interested. Step two, somehow persuade her to marry him. Holy proposals! And step three, well, he never got to step three, but presumably it would have resulted in the very painful birth of some half Amazonian, half mountain babies. Oh, but this wasn't just pure lust.
Cartoon Darkseid actually seems to care for Wonder Woman. He makes sure his lackeys don't hurt her. No harm is to come to Wonder Woman. He's always courteous towards her, and he even says that he'll still consider marrying her after she's lost her powers and become a regular lady in a swimsuit. Ah, Wonder Woman, even though you have lost your powers, I will still consider accepting you for my queen. Thanks. Man, what an absolute sweetheart.
He also seems sincerely shocked and hurt whenever she rejects his love, er, when he learns that she foolishly prefers the attention of some chump who can't even shoot omega beams out of his eyes, Steve Trevor. In one episode, Darkseid goes as far as to pose as Steve, when even a grand romantic gesture like turning the real Steve into a caveman fails to persuade Wonder Woman to love him. What should I say, your ex-boyfriend? Darkseid falls into a deep depression to the concern of his friends and family. Hello, darkness, my old friend. Sadly, this was the last season of Super Friends, so we never learned if Cartoon Darkseid managed to grow as a person and get over his Wonder Woman fixation, or if he still stalks her and sends her rock pics via social media. Either way, we demand the inevitable Snyder Cut of the Snyder Cut explore Darkseid's quiet evenings as a lonely, sad bachelor.
The fans deserve it. That's my tights, but that's why I've invited Resurrection Man! |
dropout | full_benefits_the_kiss | Alright, I think I'm gonna go to bed.
Wait, don't you wanna know who the killer is? I've seen this episode before. You have? Tell me who it is.
Wait, don't tell me. Tell me. Tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me. I don't wanna know. He doesn't wanna know.
Who is it?
Don't tell me. I don't wanna know. I do. I don't wanna know. Tell me. Don't tell me.
Oh, it's the contractor. Alright, guys! Congratulations! College Humor has just had its best month ever!
That being said, budgets are still tight.
So, Wayne, I'm gonna have to let you go, man. Sorry, buddy. Okay, guys!
Drink up! This expensive open bar is on the company! Drink up, everyone! It's not our money!
Hey, David, do you remember the last time we were at this bar? Oh, yeah! Pat and Dan created Mummy Tag.
And? Streeter lit himself on fire. And? A mirror killed one of the busboys.
That did not happen. Yeah, I made that one up. No.
It was the first time we hooked up. God, you were so drunk. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were. You had, like, six shots of vodka in a row.
Sorry, bud. We ran out of glasses. What kind of bar runs out of glasses? I'm sorry, folks. We're all out of glasses.
Besides, you were the one who was drunk. I saw you double-fisting.
Uh, I don't know. I guess the Manhattans have here. I knew it! You owe me 600 bucks. Okay, why would they bet on that? I don't know. But they kept asking.
Uh, Mojito. Champagne. Old-fashioned.
Yeah, I think Pat lost, like, $4,000. I'm rich! Nothing can touch me!
But you were dancing on the bar. Yeah, and you fell on your face. And that's my impression of a drunk person. Oh, good impression. Yeah, I believed you. Wait, so our first hookup was completely sober? Oh, my God! I can't believe you thought I was drunk. Well, why else did you want to hook up with me?
Oh, that's sad. Oh, that is so sad.
Did not say that. No. I don't know.
I liked you. I liked you, too. I still like you.
Cool. Well, I'm gonna like you in the future. Cool. I'm gonna like you in heaven. Cool. I'm gonna like you in our next lives when we come back as treatments and can't teach you about it. Cool. I'm gonna kiss you now.
Okay. Corpse.
Yo, uh, I know the budget's tight and all, but we're a bar and we only got like three glasses. Honestly, it's a miracle we're still in business. |
TheOnion | Economy_Collapses_After_10_Year_Old_Boy_Spends_Entire_U_S_GDP_On_Fortnite_Skins | The U.S. economy has collapsed after this 10-year-old boy spent the nation's entire GDP on Fortnite skins. Last night, the fifth-grade boy reportedly logged onto his PS4 and spent the entirety of the Treasury's $23 trillion buying Skulltrooper, Spider Knight, and Banana Skins. According to Treasury Secretary Jerome Powell, quote, Last night I checked my email and saw that he had drained the Federal Reserve for something called Ghoul Troopers on PlayStation. What the fuck. Now that the boy's Fortnite spending has caused widespread unemployment and homelessness, financial experts are recommending that he get a good old-fashioned spanking.
The U.S. Department of Transportation has just announced a $1 billion investment in horses. Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg announced during a press conference that a new billion-dollar U.S. initiative would overhaul transit in America with the purchase of thoroughbreds, Mustangs, Appaloosas, and even Arabian horses. According to Secretary Buttigieg, this initiative will be a boon for American infrastructure, as horses can walk on almost any terrain, so will no longer need roads. Secretary Buttigieg further anticipated how this investment will create over 10,000 jobs in the grooming and caring for these majestic beasts of nature.
Plus, they're just so pretty. Nice horsey. Good horsey.
Looks like Ron DeSantis' latest attempts to reset his struggling presidential campaign are not going well. Reports confirm that last night the Florida governor was booed off stage at a campaign event after flashing his stomach. Traumatized witnesses say the presidential hopeful then tried to regain control of the crowd by slapping his tummy and spewing yummy in my tummy, which only resulted in more booing and several people vomiting. DeSantis' campaign later apologized and explained that it was the governor's attempt to relate to the Republican base by acting out his immense hunger to end wokeness.
About millennials. They are obsessed with 9-11. Like, why don't you try drawing existential dread from climate change, stagnant wages, and a widening wealth gap like a normal person? Bro. They took up all the good student loan debt before we even had a chance. They might have a chance to grow old while we've got like 30 years left, tops. They could have killed off America when they had the chance but those cowards sat back and did nothing. They are a reminder of what I will soon become, part of the next generation that will soon be pathetic in every way imaginable. Extremely jealous they get to die first. Not fair. |
cracked | douchebags_douchebags_douchebags_3_7_08 | It's Friday, March 7th, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I ain't afraid of no ghosts. Well, maybe a little.
A California construction worker continues to recover, after suffering 500 bee stings to his neck and face after his equipment unearthed the hive. The man is said to be feeling a little buzz.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I can't be doing just pure news like that. It's Friday, and that means, that means...
For nearly neglecting to take this opportunity to make more Helen Keller jokes. Why can't Helen Keller have children? Because she's dead. Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman. Why can't Helen Keller sue us for these comments? Again, because she's dead.
Like, are you not listening? Douchebag number three, Whoopi Goldberg. She told the press this week that she won her Oscar for the movie Ghost because of Patrick Swayze. Well, whoop, we know it's not because of your talent. Seriously, I wish I had never seen that movie. Which is certainly an advantage that Helen Keller has over me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just pretend you didn't hear that one, okay? Like, Helen, never mind.
Douchebag number two, Southwest Airlines. Southwest flew thousands of passengers on planes that federal inspectors had declared unsafe. You are now free to move about the country very quickly as your plane hurdles to the ground. Honestly, I don't see how Southwest Airlines could have been so cavalier.
Which is something I have in common with Helen Keller because she couldn't see it either. Zing! I only made that joke because I'm really in a blind. I mean, bind. Hey, why doesn't Helen Keller win at poker? Because she's always the big blind. It's funny if you know poker and that Helen Keller was blind.
And finally, Douchebag number one, The National Enquirer.
They apparently falsely reported that wind metaphor composer Patrick Swayze was dying of pancreatic cancer and had just five weeks to live. Turns out that Swayze is undergoing cancer treatments, yes. But his doctor says that he is expected to make a full recovery.
So Enquirer, why would you say such horrible things? I don't understand how you can look at yourself in the mirror each day. And if you guessed that a Helen Keller joke about her not being able to look at herself in the mirror was coming, you were half right. I'll give you partial credit. That, my friends, is it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Check back Monday or we'll get your girlfriend pregnant. |
dropout | Who_Insulted_Someone_So_Badly_That_They_Quit_On_the_Spot | Who insulted someone so badly that he quit on the spot? Oh, oh my God. Who of you is the meanest and most cutting? You. Honestly, this group, you're the meanest. Quit on the spot. All right, I would never ever say anything mean to anyone at work.
Me neither.
Behind their back for sure. Absolutely. I wouldn't have accidentally heard. You have to be so careful. Shit talking is an art. People don't understand. Okay, what's the nastiest thing you've ever said about a coworker? Oh my God. I'm not. I'm just trying to get some gossip out. Some dirt. So who's like loose-lipped? I don't think it's Teo, if I'm wrong. I have secrets about everyone. Oh my God.
In this. But you're good. Present company included. Try us. Probably. Try us.
I'm a trap. I've worked closes with Luke, if not Luke. I am a trap. You're a trap.
He's really, really, really, really good at like, you always know he knows. Putting up a mask. But he puts him out.
I think me and Luke probably received. I am a sociopath. Could it be, I mean, Grant just, I feel like you don't seem like someone who says mean things. No, he's a baby-eater. Or is the smile throwing us off? Is the bow tie a red herring? Grant would love this to be about him. Yeah, I don't think it.
All right, let's get our final guesses in. Alyssa, who do you think insulted someone so badly that he quit on the spot? Let's, Teo, just because you got me on the last one, let's see, just in case this is a sneak attack. Maybe it's Teo. All right.
In your caffeine pill life style. In a caffeine mania. I have so much energy, you suck. I haven't already, hey.
Alyssa thinks it's Teo. Janie, who do you think? I'm gonna say, I'm just gonna say Luke. All right, Janie thinks it's Luke. Luke, who do you think?
I'm insulted. I quit. It's you. Look, I'm gonna stick with the slam dunk.
No offense.
I agree with Alyssa though. It is very hard to be like, who of these very nice people that I've worked with for years do I think I'm basically saying is mean? And Lily is at the top of that list. I take that as a compliment.
I tell the truth. I'm not a liar like you guys. It's a truth.
Teo. I'm thinking Janie. All right, Teo thinks it's Janie.
Will the person who insulted someone so badly that he quit on the spot can take a big old sip of their drink? Teo, the actual story is so much worse. Oh. It's really, it's worse than it sounds right there.
I was a little boy and he was an adult. I was in a high school production of The Wiz, playing The Wiz. And they- Can we get a couple bars? Yeah. So you wanted to meet The Wiz. And we had these like Britney Spears head mics. Oh, cool.
And I was backstage talking about the adult hired pianist for the show who wasn't very good. And I was saying to somebody else, well, we only use him because he's cheap. And I was hot in the theater. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And so this little shitty boy talking shit for the whole theater to hear. This pianist was like, fuck this, I quit. And this is during, this isn't like a dress. This is close enough to the show that I'm wearing a microphone and there's a hired band there.
So probably like the week ago. You were probably the last straw. There were other reasons. But you were the last straw. Also, he wasn't very good, but we were- |
dropout | million_dollar_babies | Boxing ain't about punching your opponent in the face. It's about punching him in the soul, making his dreams bleed. But more than anything... It's about being a man.
I wanna get back in the ring. I'm training kids, especially past hip rhyme. Do this for me. Watch, damn it! You got balls in there! I'm jumping a drive on Razor's B!
Did you do your homework, sweetie? Homework?
I'm trying to keep this family alive! Undefeated bone crusher Dirk Wendt has offered a prize of a half million dollars and ten seconds of free punches to any challenger that can defeat him. Why do you plan to let your pajamas in the ring? Because I can beat anyone in my sleep. You can't, Luke. He's killed twelve fighters, and they say he is purple nurples.
Don't you think I know that? Don't you think it haunts me?
Take care of your wife. Don't cry for me.
Hey, you haven't thought since the second grade. What makes you think you can come out of retirement and beat Dirk?
Look at this. Look at that.
Thank you. Excuse me. No more questions. There's something you need to know about Jane. What? She has cooties. We have his inhaler. You're all that I have left. Round four. I'm going to ground a skeleton to a powder and snort a line of it off his grave. Mom, can you put on a lightlight? |
dropout | america_s_saddest_home_videos | Welcome back to America's Saddest Home Videos. If you're just tuning in, we're in the middle of some of the most tragic footage we've ever aired. Take a look. Hey! Grandpa! Why don't you stop daydreaming about the retirement you never had and go scrub down the deep fryer. Now! I'm sorry I showed you that. And now you're going to have to watch a montage.
I guess. Roll it. Howard. Howard Joe himself.
This old lady is standing at the top of the subway stairs, afraid to descend because everyone is moving too fast.
This little kid is finding a picture he drew for his dad crumpled up and jammed underneath his dad's driver's seat. Whoops! Someone kicked this homeless man's change all over the street. Here, we have a fat kid hiding in a bathroom stall eating McDonald's. And now, here are the three nominees for America's Saddest Home Video. With a speech impediment, this boy can't pronounce the terminal illness he was just diagnosed with.
Let's not know if I have a lot to assist. Check this out! A 66-year-old man's coworkers find his bucket list and put it up on a bulletin board for a lapse. This guy is waiting in line to buy tickets for a special screening of The Empire Strikes Back. He sees his girlfriend with another guy, but he can't move to do anything because he doesn't want to lose his place in line. So, audience, who will it be? Deathbed goof-up, bucket list bulletin board, or man solo?
Everything begins now. And it looks like it's another three-way tie for last. You each win an expired Egg McMuffin Monopoly game piece from 1999. Uh, and that's gonna be it for today. Honey, uh, I probably won't be home for dinner. I gotta go drive for a while. |
cracked | james_cameron_s_lifelong_battle_with_water_titanic_the_abyss | Hey everyone, this is Adam Ganser, along with my buddy, Abe Epperson, and we are full-time directors for crack.com. This show is going to be called Director Peace Theater, in which we discuss famous filmmakers and some of the quirks that make them unique. They wanted us to do more work, so they gave us a show, so that's why you're here. And now to earn our pay.
So the first entry in our series is going to be about James Cameron. We've all seen some James Cameron films. How do you feel about James Cameron? I love this topic so much, because today we're going to be talking about James Cameron and his very interesting kind of career with water. Yeah, James Cameron has spent his entire Hollywood career battling a deep, not even subconscious fear of water, and has decided to tackle that fear by way of building mech suits and punching it to death.
Yeah. Starting with his first and little-known directorial debut, the sequel to 1978's Piranha, Piranha II, The Spawning. Centuries nature's most ferocious killer, until now. I was surprised, number one, that this was a movie. Yeah. We're going to submerge into the depths, or we're going to fight these piranhas. That's right. This came out in 1981. So for those of you who are not familiar with 1978's Piranha, that was almost a Jaws movie. It was a B-horror film Jaws movie, and James Cameron took over the sequel and made a couple of very interesting changes to the story. Number one, the lead of the film is a scuba-diving instructor. Which will become key later when you realize that that's all James Cameron ever wants to be. That's correct.
Number two, the villain is an evil sea monster, which of course he did inherit that concept because he has to have mutant piranhas. Yeah, and they're mutated because of what?
I'll tell you everything I know. Now my ass could end up in jail for this, but I'll tell you everything.
We spliced in genes from different species to create the ultimate killer organism. Very experiments. So now we're getting to it. Technology.
Are we going too far? Have we not gone far enough? These are the questions James wants us to ask.
So more interesting than that is one of the big changes that Cameron made to this film is that he placed the sea monster's lair in a sunken ship, which is why he needed a scuba-diving lead because they needed to basically investigate a sunken ship to defeat the evil mutant piranhas. You've got to be kidding. And this becomes really important later because right in those three examples, you now have kind of laid the scene of his future career. That's right. So we're going to kind of look through these, like the idea of your lead being, you know, a water-submersible person.
The villain is some kind of human intervention or let's just call it the unknown. Some magic monster or some alien or something like that will be the force that's driving, you know, the horror or the conflict.
So up next in this filmography, we're going to skip Terminator. Why? Because Terminator doesn't fit with our theory. So therefore it doesn't matter in cinema history.
Yeah. As you know, James Cameron likes to take breaks sometimes. And we're just seeing Terminator 1 as just his break from water. But the big hitter that we're talking about here is 1986 Aliens, another sequel. Yeah. Interesting how many sequels he did even after he'd done Terminator. So how does Aliens fit in with this theory, Abe? Cameron makes a few key decisions that build his narrative within an already existing world. So he's already done this twice. In particular, Aliens, the colony is where all the action takes place is abandoned and corroded, similar to a sunken ship. I think Adam wants to talk about the aliens a little bit. That's right.
I think a key observation, silly as it may be, those aliens are always wet. They're so wet. They're really wet. The aliens are not depicted as slimy and wet in the original Alien movie. So Cameron slime wetted it up with these aliens, making them bizarrely moist.
Okay, but here's another additional fact about the water that I thought was interesting. So Ripley is discovered in her abandoned ship, and that ship is coated with condensation. All kinds of water just floating everywhere in that spaceship, which again, I think is interesting as though she's being pulled from a watery grave back to life, right? And so she becomes, and this is another key ingredient to Cameron's ocean fear. She becomes sort of pulled back from a watery grave to combat the fear.
That's her job. She literally doesn't have any expertise at all in this movie. She just has seen the alien before. Some could say she's a fish out of water. She's not in her own time anymore. She doesn't know how to understand like the basics of space travel. So she's really as unknown as it gets. Not only that, she's in the middle of space.
And you brought up the condensation thing again. That's actually a great point because if we look at the technological safety of these movies come from the idea that we're in a submersible, much like James Cameron did in much of his life. This is a man who already looks at the safety between the cold, terrible depths and him is essentially just like a few inches of steel.
So you've got to stay on the ship. You can't leave the ship.
Everything out there is terrible and horrifying. So obviously in aliens, when we get to the colony, the reason why it's so horrifying is the alien can kind of just come out of anywhere from the ceiling under you from the side of the wall. So it's like he's the king of the environment. So that's where the horror comes from, is just this idea that Ripley is fighting an alien in which she doesn't know where it is. It comes from anything. At one point she fights the aliens with literal fire, which I don't know if you know anything about the elements, but water and fire have a dualistic relationship.
That's true. I have played Final Fantasy. So I do remember that. See, that's how I see the world, is like how is it like Final Fantasy. Right. And then it makes sense to me what it does. I think that's a good point.
I think Ripley fighting the aliens with fire is an interesting choice because we've already seen that it doesn't work. In the first Alien movie, one of those people goes up into the ducts and tries to flamethrow an alien, and it doesn't work. It doesn't stop the alien at all. And yet in James Cameron's movie, that's basically how Ripley single-handedly takes down the alien queen, right?
So he just makes a break with canon there. Why?
Because this is how he visualizes fighting against an ocean-type predator. Water is evil. Fire dries it up. And so there's one last element of this story that I think Bear is mentioning, and that is that Ripley learns how to use a giant mech suit to finish off this alien queen, which is a thing that we're going to see a lot in his filmography. There's always a mech suit. There's always a giant technological invention that must be used to combat the ocean. Otherwise, you know, you die.
So let's move on to the next film that he did, Abe. What do you think about 1989's Abyss? This is the first film that he takes on the subject directly. This is in its own world. He created it.
And the whole movie takes place on, you guessed it, a stranded ship. Submarine is wrecked in this ocean trench, and the team is not supposed to be here.
The villain is manifest as a kind of telekinetic being made out of seawater, which was crazy because if you want to take a side, this is one of the first like real big industrial light magic CG characters. You know, obviously Terminator had little bits of it, but it's just all over the place. You see in the spoilers, when they shut the doors and the water beast just falls to the ground and they like taste it and they're like, it's just seawater. So it's not actually... Because tasting is how you identify your villain. This is the most James Cameron you can get. The villain, quote unquote, the unknown is literally something that is just made of water.
And we learned later that it's this kind of telekinetic jellyfish. Yeah, alien jellyfish. Alien jellyfish that just can't control water at will.
And that's just a part of their deal. And back to the production side of things, this was like a horrible movie to me. Not only were all the actors, Ed Harris famously won't talk about James Cameron in interviews because he just hates the man. They had a fight, he punched him in his face.
One of the reasons was is that at one point when they were filming an underwater thing, they would hide in these little stations while they were filming, you know, Ed Harris going through these tubes. They would hide these little oxygen tanks so that they wouldn't have to call cut. He would just get more air and then he would just go through the scene. And at one point in the many, many takes that I'm sure James Cameron did, James Cameron moved the little oxygen tank further down the tube to the point that Ed or Harris didn't know where it was. So he was drowning and he's like, where is this thing?
And James Cameron reportedly said that it wanted him to actually feel fear. I guess you get the impression some of it was great, some of it was hell. So it's trying to understand it, which maybe I never will. It was not, I never, I have not regretted the experience for a second, you know, even when I was down there, no matter what was going on.
Another thing that's interesting about the abyss that's on this point is that in a deleted scene, the jellyfish aliens actually cause a string of tidal waves to stand on the brink of almost every earth shore, right? And so they're literally going to annihilate humanity. Massive tidal waves.
That's right. And then they sort of pose it at Ed Harris, like we're doing this. And then Ed Harris fortunately had texted his bae earlier. With the little Rister dude. That's right, with the Rister text. He texted his bae, telling him that he loved her. And so they were like, oh, love, that's cool.
Because they're showing him images projected against, oh, guess what water? And it's like, here's humanity. It's got love, children. They're all great. It's just like this iPhone ad, essentially, that just displays in front of Ed Harris. He's like, why are you showing me? It really is. And then they're like, hold on, there's more. And then shows all of like war and Vietnam and just like all these terrible things that humanity does to himself. But Ed Harris is like, I'm going to sacrifice myself.
I'm okay. It's fine. I'm just going to die here. And they're like, no, man, it's cool. That's a chill DM, man.
And you know what? Because of that, you get to save the world. We're not going to destroy all of the coastal cities on the Earth. Right. It's interesting that thematically the ocean wants to destroy all of humanity, right? They just want to destroy everybody.
But then they see that text. Yeah. And they're like, that's pretty cool. That's a good DM, man. Oh, dude, use the crying emoji. That is so key. Hey, that's impossible.
Okay, let's move on to his next movie, which is 1991's Terminator 2, Judgment Day. Heard of that. Now, we didn't talk about the first Terminator because there wasn't a lot there that connected with the themes in the rest of his filmography. But this movie has quite a bit of it, actually.
Two years before, he was like, I made a water monster. What if I just make a shiny version? And boy, oh, boy, did we eat it up. That's right. T-1000 was essentially a water-based liquid monster. Like, that's what it is.
And also, one of the coolest villains in the history of cinema. Another sequel in the franchise. Yes. And once again, this villain, this liquid villain, is destroyed by fire and by freezing. Those are the two ways that you can combat this villain. So again, the themes play out.
A hero that is out of time, a fish out of water. All right, so then he makes 1994's True Lies, in which Jamie Lee Curtis wets herself down before she strips. So 1997 Titanic.
So the theme carries on. This is the most compelling and obvious example. Let's just go through, like, kind of the basics.
The inciting incident of the film is Bill Paxton, dressed like a hipster pirate or something, is looking for the heart of the ocean. Everyone dies in the ocean by freezing or drowning. Obviously, Jack has to sneak aboard the Titanic and further exacerbates his out of placeness by seducing a rich girl with his drawing skills and dancing.
I think that's why she liked him. I think that's why.
Isn't she supposed to be, like, 15 or something? I don't know what age is there supposed to be.
It's timeless. It's a timeless plot. It's definitely a timeless tale of love, that's for sure. Yeah, but Titanic, you know, is obviously the movie. Everybody will always remember James Cameron for.
That's his crowning achievement. But it has the fully formed ocean fear in it, right? You have an oceanographer looking for the heart of the ocean in a submarine around the wreck of the Titanic. And then you go back in time and watch the actual story where a fish out of water guy seduces somebody who's basically beyond his pale in terms of attractiveness, I guess.
And they both drown together, right? One of them survives, but the other one drowns.
And that's the story. It's the story of a whole ship going down. Pretty cool, huh? Well, then that old lady, old lady Rose, after troubling everyone with her very long story, throws it into the ocean, the $5 million heart of the ocean.
She's just like, you can take it, Jack. Jack's not going to use it. No, he's not.
Bill Paxton, the whole reason he brought you on board is to get this damn diamond. Also, a quick argument. How much did you think it cost to charter that sub out there anyway? They spent more than a heart of the ocean's worth of money in order to get to this heart of the ocean.
All we've done so far is just doing these loose metaphors to say, this is a similarity, this is a similarity. But this is now in his career where things get really interesting. And this is where thesis begins to take hold.
Because he wanted to make Titanic 10 years before. He wrote it. But the technology wasn't there. So he waited for it to happen. And once the technology, i.e. filming technology, was there and in 1985, when they actually found the Titanic, he wasn't a part of that expedition.
Oh, man, he loved that. That was his favorite. He was just like, you know what, I've got to go down there.
I need to see it for myself. He just went down to the Titanic and funded his own excursion. And so this is now where we see the technology not only of filmmaking, but of oceanography, essentially. It's constantly trying to catch up to James Cameron. He's ahead of the curve. He has all these things he knows he wants to accomplish. Yeah, and what's interesting is there's so much self-filming going on during Titanic. There's all kinds of behind-the-scenes things that are being made. Basically, James Cameron is really interested in capturing himself making this movie.
Yeah, he's literally the hero of his own life story. That's right. This is when he starts to actually invade his own narrative as a protagonist overtly.
So for the next 12 years after Titanic, he just makes deep sea documentaries where he and or just other people that he hires go down and film sunken ships and stuff. He produced and directed over nine documentaries about the ocean after he had already made Titanic for years.
So he's like, I'm not done, ocean. I need to still know your secrets. That's right. It's like, I think he thinks that he's gonna find some merpeople down there. That's his main thing. And then he'll be the king of the merpeople.
So he spends 12 years after Titanic making deep sea documentaries, and then comes back with his first major motion picture, and that motion picture is Avatar. Now, we all know he's gonna make avatars for the rest of his life. If you look at IMDb, he's got five slated to go now, apparently, but what's interesting is Avatar is where the narrative starts to actually change.
So instead of the sea creatures being this threatening, destructive thing, now the sea creatures are the subject of empathy. They're like land sea creatures. That's right, yeah. So, because if you look at the Navi, they're basically, which by the way, Navi, Navy, come on, they're basically sea cats, you know, and their world is essentially an underwater bioluminescent on land land. And they have like strange angler type appendages. Yeah. They're literally the color of the ocean. The world itself is like bioluminescent, which is how things survive in the deep. You know, so it kind of, it looks as much as an underwater aquarium as you can on land. That's right.
And the villain this time, instead of being the, normally it would be the human beings trying to combat these creatures, this time, the villain is the evil military wearing mech suits who are trying to steal their resources. And what's interesting though is the Navi are not capable of destroying this military on their own. What do we need? We need a hero who dons a mech suit to become a Navi and fight as a Navi back against the military. So Cameron's going full Cameron here. He's made a mech suit that makes you a Navi so you can fight a mech suit.
And this represents a pretty significant turn narratively for Cameron, because after having spent 12 years in the ocean, now suddenly he has a different take on it, right? Suddenly now he feels more at peace with it. He can defend it. He feels there's value there that's worth preserving, right? Yeah, I mean, he's this wealthy, like essentially titan of industry. For lack of, like he's not any Elon Musk, but he's pretty polymath as far as it goes, right? That's right. And so he's building an industry of the most winningest movies of all time, putting that money into actual exploration on the earth. This is kind of important for Avatar because his views have changed, yes.
And he's building these mech suits to find this quote unobtanium. Yeah, the wonderfully named Unobtanium. Yeah, which has been in like five different movies. It's also in the core. It's just like when people just don't wanna be a screenwriter. Yeah, Unobtanium is the equivalent of the McGuffin Project. The Unobtanium, though, I think the only reason you can justify it as a choice is with this narrative of Cameron fighting the ocean, right?
It's that there's something down there that you can never get. So this evil corporation is trying to get this thing you can never get.
And Cameron, seeing the man he was afraid of the ocean, having now come to peace with it after 12 years of documentary making, decides I'm gonna out-mech the mech maker. I'm going to make a man go through a mech suit, become a blue sea cat, and fight back against the evil Cameron that used to be. This is his redemption story, Avatar. Or maybe it's just Dances with Wolves in 3D, I'm not sure. So my favorite thing about Cameron, about this narrative, and this is how it resolves, is in 2012, Cameron decided to level up by manning the deepest solo dive in history, and made a film of himself doing it. So he literally built a giant submersible mech suit, went in it himself down to the deepest place that human beings have ever gone, and made a film about it. And that is the ultimate Cameron move. He will never make- He's the deepest man. That's right. He will never more conquer his fears than this moment.
And it's surprising, because when he came back up, and they're like, you did it, James. Hey, where'd you get that trident? You know, like, he must've met, you know, Navi people down there or something.
Or maybe it was the jellyfish. Yeah, maybe it was the jellyfish.
And if you're still looking for something to do, call your parents, tell them you love them. And call mine too, I forgot to. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_sen_tim_scott_on_why_he_s_endorsing_donald_trump_snl | Last night at a rally in New Hampshire, South Carolina, Senator Tim Scott surprised many political experts by endorsing Donald Trump. here to explain his endorsement is Senator Tim Scott. nice to be here, Michael, and great to endorse the next President of these United States, Donald J. Trump. Wow, you have a very unique voice, Senator. I know. My voice is like if Bill Clinton was actually Black. I sound like the Princess and the Frog. I sound like if Forrest Gump was doing an impression of John Rule.
What would I be without my baby? Well, a lot of folks were surprised that you, of all people, endorsed Donald Trump. Why? Because I'm Black. that's very misguided, Michael.
I don't see color. I'm serious. when I looked at all the people at Trump's rally, I did not see a single color.
No, it's surprising because you turned on Nikki Haley. I mean, she appointed you to be Senator, and now you're endorsing her rival? Listen, Michael, Nikki and I will always be close friends, But Nikki, or as Mr. Trump told me to call her, Nimrada Hussein Haley, she may not even be from South Carolina, you know, or even America.
Senator, you know that's not true. those are just racist dog whistles. Michael, that is Not a racist dog whistle. this is. What is that noise?
What do you say to people who think Trump is only using you to win the black votes? Look, that is impossible because Black people do not like me, all right? One time I said the N-word at a barbershop, and everybody went, whoa, whoa, whoa. So when Mr. Trump asked me to campaign for him in inner cities like Detroit and Philadelphia, I said, how about we start in New Hampshire?
Now, those are my people. Well, now there's speculation about your political future. if Trump picks you to be his running mate, would you do it? Absolutely. I would be honored.
Really? Even though he told a mob to hang his last vice President. he did What now? Senator Tim Scott, everybody. he did that to the white one again? |
SaturdayNightLive | andy_rooney_book_review_saturday_night_live | And now, a few minutes with Andy Rooney. Do you ever notice how books aren't as good as they used to be? Here are the books I enjoyed as a lad. Ulysses, Brothers Karamazov, Remembrance of Things Past, for you intellectuals, that's a la Racheterich, d'aton per du, or something like that. But nowadays, what are people reading? Garfield weighs in. And what else is on the best-seller list these days? Jimmy Carter's memoirs. I bet that's a hot one. But the real prize winner in this is this best-selling book, having it All by Helen Gurley Brown, editor of Cosmopolitan Magazine.
Let me read you a small excerpt from this masterpiece. your apartment should be used to bring your friends to, and your vagina should be the same way. it's occupied and bringing pleasure. Now, really, Helen, who want your apartment always occupied? 24 hours a day. don't you ever get tired of having people in? And do you ever notice how annoying it is when you have people in your apartment and they just won't leave? And Helen, how do you clean your apartment with all those people in there? It's not surprising that we've never seen a picture of Helen's apartment in architectural digests. books like this are enough to make you give up reading altogether.
But then again, there are some good books. for example, a few minutes with Andy Rooney. And more with Andy Rooney. I'm planning more books. a few minutes, even more with Andy Rooney. several hours with Andy Rooney. Of course, it only seems like several hours. Two weeks with Andy Rooney. |
cracked | when_euphemisms_just_make_things_worse | Have you seen the social network? Because I did. And I've got an idea. Is it a social network?
Will you please just let me so you saw it. Yeah, I saw it.
Sorkin.
I don't know what that means. Samantha, did you see it? I torrented it. I don't know what that means.
Shut up! Samantha, did you see it?
I'm sorry. Can we just take a... I don't know what that means. Let's all stop saying that. Okay? Let's just agree to... Time out is what that means.
Samantha, yes. I was kind of hoping that we could move the meeting up. My friend needs my help. How so?
She's...
I don't know what that... Sam, you're answering with like a physical gesture. She's in trouble. So, are we moving the meeting? In trouble? What is that? You know, with burden. In the throes of a delicate condition. Or the coke.
X? Is it X?
Letters aren't drugs. Some are.
She's laboring to bake a baby. She's pregnant.
Yes. Thank you. And I am supposed to be at the delivery.
So, why didn't you just say that? You call it a burden? That's super fucked up. You call it the weakness. Let's not.
You get into 1900s lingo. Well, I'm just decorating. I don't know what that means. Shut up! Just... You couple of... Winklefosses.
When is the delivery? We'll try and move the meeting. Our water broke like four hours ago. You waited for the meeting to bring this up? Why didn't you just call me?
Just bring your laptop to the hospital.
Like a person. Well, now that's not fair. I... Hold on. Oh.
What's the alarm? Well, no, not like false alarm, but...
We can add the meeting. So, where were we? Social network.
No, I haven't seen it.
Is that like a... Like a Batman movie? Yes, it's the new Batman movie. It's good. |
TheOnion | Latest_GOP_Debate_Concludes_With_Candidates_Wrestling_Squealing_Pig_To_Ground_And_Slaughtering_It | The latest GOP debate concludes with the candidates wrestling a squealing pig to the ground and slaughtering it. Brendan Fraser signs on to star in a new pre-movie trivia question, and a snooze button is smacked like it delivers morphine. Welcome to the pandering afterthought that is this edition of the Onion Week in Review.
According to a report published this week, researchers have definitively concluded that it, all of it, is some kind of sick joke. The Princeton study suggests that the entirety of existence, including time, marriage, migratory patterns of birds, continental drift, life itself, photosynthesis, human society, and the changing of the seasons, are all part of a massive twisted ruse orchestrated by a spiteful cosmos. Look at you morons taking this stupid video for your pointless newspaper. Everything's a joke. I'm a joke. You're a joke. The whole universe is a joke. We at the Onion Week in Review are compelled to inform viewers that while this entire segment is indeed one small part of the giant perverse joke, the upshot is that the next minute of your life will be no more or less pointless than if you were to spend it with a loved one, mentoring an at-risk youth, or simply wallowing in your own feculence.
Police in Lehman, Michigan describe a local student's recently foiled plans to commit a deadly school shooting as quote, embarrassingly bad. Authorities apprehended 17-year-old Trent Bayer Thursday after finding him in an empty hallway struggling to load a pathetically small caliber pistol while simultaneously attempting to unfold an inaccurate, crudely drawn map of the school. Lehman Police Chief Ethan Holman elaborated several ways Bayer's strategy could have been more effective, including setting off a homemade explosive in the teacher's lounge, executing popular students first, and at the very least, purchasing some military fatigues. You're not going to intimidate anyone by wearing a tucked in button-down shirt and pleated trousers.
Several bank executives are currently gambling on which Occupy Wall Street protester will be arrested next. This morning, members of the financial services firm The Whittinger Group gathered at the window of their 15th floor board room overlooking Manhattan's Zuccotti Park and tabulated odds on a large dry erase board to keep track of the growing pot of cash. As of this afternoon, more than $1.2 million had changed hands, with Vice Chairman Malcolm Grant taking in more than $300,000 in winnings for correctly betting on the arrest of a man in a Guy Fawkes mask. In this weekend's Onion Magazine, our editors reveal 10 prayers that will really get God to stand up and take notice. In other news, Harley Davidson and Jack Daniels collaborate on a local felony, a churchgoer blanks on why she's lighting a votive candle, and President Obama is now attempting to pass each word of his jobs bill individually. Please ring the bell and the boy will come round momentarily for your bags. For more news, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. As of this afternoon, more than $1.2 million had changed hands, with Vice Chairman Malcolm Grant taking in more than $300,000 in winnings for correctly betting on the arrest of a man in a Guy Fawkes mask. In this weekend's Onion Magazine, our editors reveal 10 prayers that will really get God to stand up and take notice. In other news, Harley Davidson and Jack Daniels collaborate on a local felony, a churchgoer blanks on why she's lighting a votive candle, and President Obama is now attempting to pass each word of his jobs bill individually. Please ring the bell and the boy will come round momentarily for your bags. For more news, visit theonion.com slash newsbeat. |
SaturdayNightLive | blind_date_with_high_five_saturday_night_live | Katherine, I have a really good feeling about you and Robert. Yes. really? yeah. ho, ho, ho, ho, Johnny My man! good job! And the lovely Anita and someone there. And you must be Katherine. Oh my goodness, now this is a class act for crying out loud.
Up high, take it up high there. it's really nice to meet you, Robert. call me B-ball. B-ball? Yeah, I never miss Espn Sports Center. watch it about five times a day. you like sports, Kat?
Katherine, yeah, I like a little gymnastics sometimes. that's it, Pretty Mama. take it up high. one more time. hit it, hit it, hit it. Here we go. all the way up. come on, come on. smell my neck. you got that? yeah. that's Hugo Boss talking right there. Oh, he's talking pretty loud. stuff ain't cheap. it's like $300 an ounce. bought a 16 ounce bottle. I think you should do the math and just up high. one more time. come on, come on, Kat's Ball. I'll take a rain check on that one. on that five, yeah.
Hey, B-ball, Katherine just made a partner at her law firm. Oh, congratulations, Katherine.
Wow, that is adorable. how about a little Er5? Clear? Thank you, John. thank you. whoa, whoa, whoa. don't leave me hanging, B-ball. right here, right here, right here. Okay, I really do prefer Katherine. can I get you guys something from the bar? yeah, I'll have a glass of Merlot. Oh, that sounds great. the same for me?
Sure. got any Brazilian lagers on tap back there? No, we have Heineken and Amstell Light. that's a big problem. I don't drink any beer that costs less than $9 a bottle.
Well, I guess we could charge you for it. let me shoot off my little flare gun here. hit it! Hit it!
Time for Roberto to take Anthony for a little walk. Excuse me? Anthony? be a rouser. That's in my trousers. Oh, you named your penis. maybe I'll meet him later. Great. you guys set me up with a guy who named his genitalia. just give him my chance. he's a great catch. some a-hole locked the bathroom door back there. yeah, that usually means there's an a-hole in there.
So, Catherine, how's your grandfather doing? Oh, I'm afraid. not too well. the doctors aren't too optimistic. yeah, they don't think we'll pull through.
Oh, I'm so sorry. thank you. that's a bitch. down low. give me a soft little one down here. What? Yeah, allow yourself to grieve, Kat. I mean, this is the best thing. just a soft one. Tap it. We're talking about my grandfather dying. hey, every time I lose at racquetball, I die a little death. Remember when I beat Dozer two out of three games? excuse me. excuse me. that's enough for you. come on. go ahead and hit it. come on.
I'm not fiving you. you know you want some. go on. go on. give me a little five. Okay, here. why don't we just get some over with for the rest of the night, Okay? Whoa! There you go. you good? good. whoa. you should never five anyone if it's not from the heart. that's something kind of a phony would do, really. that's not cool. Seriously. Well, over here has been fiving it up all night. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I engaged in a series of legitimate fives when the proper occasions presented themselves. I think you guys will back me up on this one. you're turning this into some sort of circus, whooping it up for no reason at all. I mean, thanks a lot for setting me up on this date in the first place, Johnny Boy. see you later, Cat in the Hat. you really got to grow up, Catherine. yeah, you know what? we're out of here. What? three glasses of mellow and one nine-dollar Heineken. you know, I'll probably drink all of these myself. grow up. |
cracked | vin_diesel_never_wanted_to_be_groot_quorators_podcast | So everyone has written in and said that we have a compute confusing name for our show and they don't know like what the word means Up to ten years ago scholars were asking They were asking if it's correlation so it says yes, yes I think the curation aspect could use more emphasis since some are not getting it. All right Well, you know what? We're also running into this problem Joseph Boyle.
What else would you how would you change it? How would you change it?
I think it's fine. It's fine the way it is. We haven't made any merch So we're considering gold stars Tom says I do not believe that correlation is the best descriptor of the activity of quorins or whatever We are but I don't know what it is I tell people that I asked quora blah blah blah, but when I talk about answers I refer to the specific person's name that answered Huh, I think it's fine. I think it's good.
What did you know? You're living in 2013. Yeah, you know, man I was from 12 years ago.
I'm excited for the next Guardians of the galaxy Guess what they make the frickin raccoon sad now. They make Groot dies Spoiler alert Groot dies. You're not too attached to Groot. Welcome to crash Groot we gotta get Groot on the soundboard Groot Can we find like the Spanish one because you know Vin Diesel did the language Did ever it's yo soy Groot. Yes, I grew it. I found Groot Well grew it up on the YouTube. Yeah, maybe normally it's a party foul to leave quora, but we're gonna break the rules here Thank you Groot that was our friend Groot Subscribe to the channel That's Vin Diesel saying that they really had him saying he did every language He was so apparently he begged to be in Marvel and he like tried to start a fake campaign that he was gonna play some character And Marvel was like no, you cannot just do a thing where you put your profile picture It's like a fucking comic character. So then they let me fruit bitch You have one sentence and then he was like, could I do it every way which are the right five There's like rush week for Vin Diesel. He hopes he gets in Marvel. They're gonna have him try out his Groot in Portuguese Could I say just sweet Groot and they're like whatever dude? Yeah, whatever man is like Could be yo soy spider-man.
Is that a possibility? He also famously like tried to become Aragorn in what are the rings? He loves one of the rings and they're like you are Vin Diesel. It doesn't make any sense. You can't be Aragorn imaginary Aragorn with no hair is like a skinny Santa. We all have a role in society You cannot be Aragorn. You're Groot, bitch And you die and you come back as a seed sapling yeah now you're a baby Groot Yo soy, babe, that's what you get for asking to be other things your baby Groot now |
cracked | the_7_most_unintentionally_hilarious_movie_deaths_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello, Internet! My name is J.L. O'Brien, and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, a show about things that my brain shouts at me while I'm trying to be an adult. Today, we're going to be talking about...
Death in movies, or really any medium, is something that is generally supposed to be taken seriously. Nobody in the audience was hooting with laughter when Forrest Gump's mom died in that one movie. At least no one in my theater.
We were still recovering from the loss of Bubba, and then Jenny, Lieutenant Dan's entire family. I guess, man, a lot of people die in that movie. There are a lot of laughs, too. Just not at those specific parts, because we're not supposed to laugh when a character dies in an otherwise dramatic scenario. We're supposed to be sad, or scared, or reflecting on our own life choices. But then we see wacky shit like this.
Broken Arrow is the answer to the question, who between John Travolta and Christian Slater has the more formidable forehead, and which is capable of nuclear extortion? The answer, of course, is Travolta, and after two hours of precious villainy, he meets his doom on the pointed end of an atomic bomb.
There's a lot to unpack here. For instance, there's a clear build up.
Travolta sees the missile coming at him, which is apparently either traveling in a super slow motion, or that train is way longer than any of us realized, because he has enough time to stand, lose his footing, stand again, face the bomb, and roll his shoulders forward in the universal come at me bro posture of a man lurking in a Hooters parking lot. He looks at that missile like they're old adversaries, like, you again, eh? It's been a long time. He's clearly staring that missile down with a level of respect that you can tell he thinks is mutual, and the missile is just like, missile, missile face, I am a missile, your power posture is not intimidating to me, because instead of a harder brain, I just have more missile parts.
Also, the missile roars at him, right as it impacts, because apparently nuclear bombs are made of dinosaurs, and he definitely pooped when that thing connected. That's a poop noise he's making.
Executive Decision is a movie about a tough, no nonsense, special ops commander named Commander Steven Seagal, and his quest to destroy a group of terrorists who have hijacked a 747. The only way on board the plane is to attempt to secretly dock with it mid-flight using a state-of-the-art stealth aircraft and its retractable person hose, which connects to the other side of the big airliner and allows Commander Seagal's team to crawl stealthily inside. Am I having a stroke? There's no way that sentence makes any sense. Anyway, things fall apart when it's Seagal's time to use the thing. That was supposed to be a noble sacrifice. That was meant to make us, the audience, feel the grim sense of pride for Stevie Seag's, because he died so that Kurt Russell might live. But of course, we don't feel any of that, because the very next thing we see is Steven Seagal shooting clumsily out into space like someone threw an evil-can-evil doll out onto the interstate.
They couldn't even have him gracefully f**k off into nowhere. He had to bump his crap all over the plane fins or whatever. We're not gonna make it! You are? And then f**k bounced. Ow, plane! Maybe he hit some birds on the way down, landed in a bear trap. We don't know.
Hey! It's Howie Long again!
Except in Firestorm, Howie Long plays a heroic firefighter who parachutes into the middle of a firestorm, which was started by the villainous William Forsythe and his criminal henchmen in a vain attempt to cover their tracks, because there is no covering your tracks when Howie Long is on the case. William Forsythe discovers this to his woe, when he and Howie have a climactic fight scene beneath a capsized boat as the firestorms around them. Well, actually, the first one happens is Howie throws an axe into William's chest and he falls off the boat to what should be his death, and at some point, while underwater, he took the axe out and swam up to float fight Howie Long under the boat. He shotgun blasts a hole in the boat, which is bad because it means when the fire comes, it'll suck all the oxygen out of the boat. Firestorm sucks. Howie realizes he needs to A. get rid of William Forsythe and B. plug that boat, and wouldn't it be convenient if we could do a two birds, one stone thing here? That is 100% insane forever. Howie Long determinedly power-swimmed while focusing on William Forsythe's butt. I really thought Howie was like, here it comes, boom, Howie Long butt punch. But instead, he was like, boom, head plug. And then, William's head rose down to a tiny, ridiculous raisin, and he dies again, pooping all the way, and it truly was a firestorm. Fun fact, Firestorm has been uploaded to YouTube in its entirety, and nobody has done a thing about it.
Funner fact, at about an hour and 23 minutes in, the female protagonist takes out a metal box, and inside, there's two live, hideous-looking baby birds. I'll be damned. I didn't watch the whole movie in the preparation of this video. I skipped around, so I have no idea what the setup to that is. And I so love it without context.
He's like, the firestorm passed. And she's like, and that's not all. Look, a box of f***ing birds for our day. And he's like, tight. Don't you just love him? Well, I guess I could learn to.
The Sidon is about a fabulous, titanic-sized cruise ship that gets hit by a wave and flips upside down, and everyone left inside loses their goddamn minds. Case in point, our heroes are trying to climb across an elevator shaft 100 feet above a pile of jagged metal wreckage. The elevator shaft is on fire, and the elevator itself is dangling precariously above them. It breaks moments from giving way and sending the car down to crush them all into luxurious dust.
Josh Lucas and Kurt Russell are sharing gritty hero roles, trying to pull the cowardly but Dreyfus-ly endearing Richard Dreyfus and the kind-hearted busboy, Freddy Rodriguez, out of the shaft. Freddy insists that Dreyfus go first, because he's just that swell of a guy.
You go first. All right. You go first.
Then the beam they're standing on collapses, leaving Freddy dangling from one immaculately tailored Dreyfus leg, while Josh Lucas does the teeth gritting best to yank them both to safety. Then out of nowhere, out of f***ing nowhere, he orders Richard Dreyfus to kick Freddy Rodriguez loose to save himself. Take him off! And he does it. Freddy, pleading for his life to the man he just nobly allowed to climb up ahead of him, hurdles screaming down the shaft, gets impaled on a spike, one of those elevator boat spikes, you know, and then an elevator lands on top of him. Then everything explodes.
That's four different Schwarzenegger deaths unloaded on a single minimum wage worker, who up to this point in the film hasn't done anything to anyone. And for the rest of the movie, we follow and root for the characters who murdered him. The Rock is one of the most paradoxical films of all time because it is one of the only good movies Michael Bay has ever made, and it set the wheels in motion that eventually turned Nicolas Cage into the haunting punch line he is today. If Nicolas Cage were Batman, The Rock is his parents getting shot to death in an alley. In the movie, a band of rogue marines have taken control of Alcatraz and are threatening to launch a devastating chemical weapon into San Francisco, unless Sean Connery can drag Nicolas Cage through enough action sequences to kill everyone on the island. And because you have to kick a baby bird out of the nest if it's ever going to learn how to fly, Nick Cage is left to deal with Tony Todd, the candy man himself, all on his own.
And he does so with the sweatiest joke set up ever written. Do you like the Elton John song Rocket Man? I don't like soft ass shit. Oh, you don't? Well, I only bring it up because it's you. You're the Rocket Man. How did that even occur to Nick Cage as an option? That is a complicated series of cause and effect. Plus, the only way he could have telegraphed that blow anymore is if he said in straightforward, uncomplicated language, hey, I'm going to shoot this missile directly into your chest, which will more than likely result in your death. I mean, the rocket won't kill you.
It'll just drop you off on some Aaron Spike, an ocean prison spike, you know? And that will kill you. But anyway, you'll be dead soon. So, ooh, that'll teach you.
Next time, it'll be more open minded, broadening your musical horizons. Also, just as a sidebar, what if Candy Man said yes? What if Cage said, do you know the song Rocket Man by Elton John? And Candy Man was just like, oh my god, definitely in my top five. Such a huge Elton John fan. Some with Billy Joel at the garden, worth every penny.
Bitch is back? More like, bitch never left, if you ask me, right?
Boy, who knew you and I had this in common? Cage would have to just be like, uh, yeah, who knew? Anyway, that's you. Die now. You're the Rocket Man. No.
In the recent film adaptation of the musical sensation Les Miserables, Russell Crowe plays Javert, a police inspector so consumed by the absolute definitions of right and wrong that when faced with the paradox of Jean Valjean, a good man who was also a criminal, he can't cope with the realization that everything he believed in his entire life was wrong. So, after betraying everything he stood for by letting Jean Valjean go, he climbs on a bridge overlooking a river, sing monologues about the tragedy of his life, and jumps. It's a crazy emotional scene in a movie already loaded with crazy emotional scenes, and it's guaranteed to get everyone watching a little misty in the eyes. The music swells to a crescendo as the heartbreaking Javert plunges to his death beneath the stars of Paris.
What the fuck? What was the point of that? He just landed right on his hip, his pelvis exploded. Were they worried we wouldn't understand Javert was dead? He just fell like a hundred feet into a rampaging current. He's super dead. We didn't need the additional help with that cartoon splat sound effect of his skeleton shattering. I should have him for what I... For a movie so full of accidental comedy, not one legitimate attempt at a joke in the Phantom Menace actually manages to land.
Huh? What about he yourself?
But, for an example of that first thing, let's take a look at the entirely too long and thoroughly pointless pod racing scene. It's pretty much just plucky little Anakin racing his tiny heart out in an effort to defeat the reigning champion, Siboba, a thunderous douchebag alien that comes from an entire race of aliens that walk on their hands for absolutely no fucking reason whatsoever. I mean, he still uses his feet as hands, so what's the point? Why wouldn't they just have evolved to have regular hands and feet? It doesn't make any... It doesn't make any sense, Phantom God damn Menace. Anyway, the pod race sequence introduces us to a barrage of colorful alien racers, including this guy. That's a little alien who makes that noise.
You might recognize him better as the guy who dies screaming in the tunnel. He's minding his own business, doesn't see a rock coming until it's too late, goes, and then fucking eats it because pod racing is deadly. Well, it's his fault for getting involved in such a deadly sport, and it doesn't matter. I'm not sure I even remember his name.
It's Max Tarell. Oh, Max Tarell or whatever, fine.
His whole family is here today to cheer him on. We understand Mrs. Tarell just got out of the hospital, so we wish her and her family the best of luck today. Holy shit, there's his entire family. His entire family was at that pod race.
His newly widowed wife, who came straight here from the hospital, had to sit there, clutching her fatherless children and watched as Anakin came yelping out of his pod to a chorus of throaty cheers, while her husband lay fused to the smoldering wreckage that was their livelihood, shitting himself uncontrollably, now that no nervous system exists to keep his alien bowels clenched. Man, your life can be over in an instant. Just one rat, and then you're done. Your whole family watching. Well, some kid yippies right over your charred, lifeless husk of a poop-filled corpse to victory, and a race that was rigged because of Jedi magic. Have fun raising three children on this corrupt desert slave planet, Mrs. Tarell. You did nothing to deserve this. Join us next month when our topic will be, I don't know, George Lucas stone-facedly telling you that happiness doesn't exist and death is the reward.
Oh no, it's gonna be, it's about Power Rangers. It's gonna be a Power Rangers thing instead of that.
Cool, cool, cool. Bye. |
cracked | living_in_a_sitcom_would_be_hell_yboc_big_bang_theory_friends | Did somebody call for a doctor? So yeah, anyway, it's Dr. Short and Breeding here with another episode of Your Brain Uncracked, the show where every episode is a bottle episode and the only show uncracked with its own killer catchphrase.
Today I di- NOOOOOOO The whole point of sitcoms is they're harmless. They allow me to escape into a much simpler world where all my friends are witty and attractive, all my conflicts are solved within 22 minutes, and apparently anybody has a shot with Sofia Vergara. Actually, no, I'm her husband. Don't be fooled by the, uh- At least, that's how sitcoms look from our end.
From the perspective of the characters, life must be a perpetual nightmare. When you stop to think about it, living in a sitcom universe would be balls-shatteringly horrifying for more than one reason, like- like, specifically five reasons. In sitcoms, even the guy who serves your coffee is like a comedy genius. Every third sentence is a punchline, and every routine task devolves into slapstick shenanigans. The live and studio audiences can barely contain themselves in the face of such hilarity. It's a world full of laughter and joy and fun for everybody, except the actual people in the show, because they hear nothing but the endless silence of the void. Once you remove the audience that was probably forced to laugh at gunpoint anyway, every big bang theory quip is met with dead silence oozing with bitter content.
Penny dear, why don't you shoot another silver bullet my way? Get one yourself.
Ooh, somebody's been taking bitchy pills. Nobody finds anybody else funny. Raj makes bulls**t sexist demands of Penny, and without the laughter, he realizes he's not joking. He's an a**hole. Penny should be mad at Raj, but really, Raj should be mad at whoever wrote him the line, looks like somebody's been taking bitchy pills.
Probably got paid $50,000 for that line. I can write lines.
Looks like somebody's anally compromised. Looks like somebody got big banged in their theory. Looks like somebody's been eating bacon on the wrong side of the bed.
I don't know, I'll workshop it. If that's the case, Penny will have to get satellite TV and maybe once a week wanna vacuum through this place.
Even The Friends from Friends, which is a show about six people who presumably like hanging out with each other, are revealed to be sad, miserable d**ks without the laugh track. Stupid comments from Joey result in little more than mildly pained expressions and long pauses from Chandler, as he wonders, should I kill myself? Should I kill Joey? Should I kill everyone?
Tell her she's not marriage material. What? Girls say it to me all the time.
The only difference in modern laugh trackless sitcoms is there's no soul-crushing pauses. I mean, characters in Brooklyn 99 or 30 Rock just humorously jump right into the next line, completely ignoring the previous slapstick comedy beat or creative insult. I mean, you almost have to admire Jake Peralta for continuing to quip, knowing that his jokes will always be met with stone-faced indifference.
Heh. Sick on kids are much easier to deal with than real kids, give or take $700,000 a year in window repairs. They'll cry and poop themselves for a couple of episodes, but before you know it, your baby's a precocious child full of funny and adorable catchphrases and way cuter than your actual kids. I mean, not my actual kids, but your dumb ass kid. If it was terrific, it would say a hundred with the word terrific next to it. The only problem is somebody's out here making a killing abducting and trading these babies for older children of similar race and eye color.
Say hello to Daddy! When Will Smith's aunt and uncle and the Fresh Prince tired of having a small baby version of Nicky, they just traded them in for a much older and sassier model to start the next season. Mommy and Daddy won't let me watch Bad Boys. If there had been a seventh season, it probably wouldn't have been played by Morgan Freeman. Okay, brothers and sisters and missus and missus, here's your daddy, yo, with the sounds to go.
In Boy Meets World, Corey's little sister Morgan disappears for several episodes, only to re-emerge as a different, significantly older girl a season later. When asked about her absence, she comments that it was the longest time out she'd ever had, presumably referring to the dungeon basement, where the Matthews picked her up while trading in their younger original daughter. Modern Family provides even more evidence of a vast baby swapping conspiracy when Cam and Mitchell celebrate their daughter's second birthday, only to mention that she's three just a couple months later. Clearly, they're speeding up the rate of her birthday so as to avoid arousing suspicion when they inevitably switch her out, which they did. It's just the sitcom circle of life, apparently. There's really no way to keep the swaps hidden, and the only logical explanation is nobody gives a crap. I can only hope that those newborn children being dumped are treated well as they themselves are grown for future trades.
Hot dates are a pretty abundant resource in sitcoms, as half these shows are just thinly-disguised excuses to let their schlubby stars make out with every working actress they have a crush on, and surely if all of us had access to that many beautiful, dateable people, the world would have much less free time and use for this show. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the average woman has four sexual partners during her lifetime, while the average man has seven, which if you do that math, it probably means dudes are lying and over-inflating their numbers a bit, which makes sense. Or maybe they interviewed a disproportionate amount of gay men, in which case, good for you, National Center for Health Statistics. And yet sitcom characters go through more partners than that before the mid-season break. Regular schmuck Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother mentions dating 30 women who was increasingly uncomfortable children, and despite being the most average of average guys, Jerry Seinfeld dates and presumably beds 66 women in just nine seasons of Seinfeld. It's like one a month! Female sitcom characters are also well above the average. Phoebe from Friends had over 30 sexual partners, while the most promiscuous Golden Girl had a pelvis destroying 165. Given the fact that 110 million Americans have an STI at any given time, there is no way Blanche didn't spend all of her time in between episodes just punching bugs crawling out of her bits. You might say that I'm slut-shaming here, but these people live in a world where anything less than a new sexual conquest each month is a source of deep shame and anxiety. Workaholic Liz Lemon dates at least 16 people over 30 rocks run and is treated like a lifeless nerd, while JD from Scrubs is dreaded because he's only had sex with nine women, and goes on to sleep with six more.
Do these people have no other hobbies? Characters in sitcoms are always surrounded by the people they love most, and those people are incredibly dedicated to being in each other's lives. In the real world, many struggle with not having enough time for friends, or if you're like me, what even is a friend?
Am I right? Like, what does that word mean?
Anyway, it's not a problem, though, for characters in sitcoms, because your friends will even go on vacation with you. Big bullies! And they'll sign up to all of your same classes, and they'll move across the country to be with you, and they'll probably still be your only friends 20 years later on the reunion special. Zach Morris's junior high pals and principals seemingly followed him from Indiana to California between Good Morning Miss Bliss and Saved by the Bell. Whenever Zach travels anywhere, like Hawaii or Las Vegas, the entire gang is there. When he goes to college, Screech and Slater tag along, followed by Kelly, followed by visits from freaking everyone else. At some point, you have to wonder whether you're in a cool circle of friends or a cool actual cult. There's no hope with dope! Meanwhile, in Boy Meets World, not only do Corey's friends decide to become students at the exact same college as him, but so does their long-time teacher, Mr. Feeny. It's freaky enough running into your teachers one time after school, let alone every day for the rest of your life. Dude, you're the laughingstock of the college.
And it's not just teachers. In this universe, authority figures in general tend to be incredibly clingy. In shows like 30 Rock or Scrubs, higher-ups regularly sidestep an institution's hierarchy to get involved in the lives of one tiny group of workers. Human contact is important, Lemon. I can tell from your stress level that you have not been touched in any way in quite some time. Not caressed, not massaged, not even groped on the subway. This isn't just about having the loyal gang following you around.
When your entire world is limited to the same handful of people, nobody ever has a chance to grow or reinvent themselves. Those kids you randomly got stuck with in first grade, they're your permanent life partners. Forever.
Whether you like it or not. Son was the one that said she couldn't fit into her pants. Because I'm fat. Sure, your children might get swapped out at some point, and you might swap sexual partners faster than John Wick, swaps empty magazines, but in the sitcom universe, the things that actually matter never change.
Beads. Beads? Beads. Beads?
Personally, I love knowing that in any given week, all of my favorite characters will be around, getting into misunderstandings and learning valuable life lessons, and then learning them again, and again, and again, because these people are stuck in some sort of purgatory where no one is allowed to advance or mature in any way. Eric and I went on a diet. I'm not fat. When Hailey from Modern Family finally manages to leave her hellishly formulaic home and head for college, she's immediately expelled. And when her sister Alex attempts to do the same, she's struck down by mono and returns home for several episodes before deciding to just take a semester off rather than further risk God's wrath. Dare, happy.
In Family Matters, Urkel manages to literally destroy the house in certain episodes, and yet it's always repaired by like the next scene. Even when he jet packs through the roof, the damage is never mentioned again. It's unclear whether Urkel is attempting to kill himself or is just acting as Satan's instrument of chaos, but either way, sitcom God will not allow him to die.
And it's not just that these characters can't further their life goals or impact the physical world. They can't even remember anything long enough to influence emotional growth. In Arrested Development, Michael Bluth realizes that he can't use his son and dead wife as an excuse to not date anybody new.
And then he does that like two episodes later. I know you're the big marriage expert. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. Your wife is dead. And so it goes for everyone.
As long as the show runs, the sarcastic dick will continue to be a stream of withering barbs. The son will keep getting high. The woman in the unhappy marriage will keep complaining about her fat stupid husband. The selfish jerk will remain a jerk despite learning a powerful lesson in unselfishness once a month and such is life in a sitcom.
Everyone locked in the same circle of witty but never-laughing friends, fearing their children's sudden disappearance and all the while trying to soothe their misery with an incessant genital rubbing. And the whole time, none of them know. They're being watched.
Oh my God! Sail! Oh! Skull children! Oh! Zingray!
Can't even see where the knob is! Yeah, so I don't have my clipboard.
But we've got studio cue cards. So I comforted myself with the belief that people laugh along with me in real life, convinced myself that my child is still the same kid my wife gave birth to, and learned a valuable lesson about friendship. Probably. That's all we've got in today's episode. Be sure to see Kathy on your way out for some condoms. Because I know at least a few of you are like, oh, is number three weird? No, it's totally normal that I have a nice white shut orgy every weekend.
Right? So, you know, be safe out there and say hey to Tom Cruise for me. Please! Comment. Like. And. Subscribe! What? Are we all doing the things?
You're not at meetings ever! Be sure to awesome day. You're not even at the meeting. Dad! We had a sign. When you're late, you miss important info! |
SaturdayNightLive | monkeys_throwing_poop_at_celebrities_saturday_night_live | Now it's time for monkeys throwing poop at celebrities. monkeys throwing poop at celebrities. Monkeys throwing poop at celebrities. And now, here's your host, Peter Talbank. welcome to Monkeys Throwing poop at Celebrities, The show where celebrities get monkey poop thrown at them.
I'm Peter Talbank, And of course, joining me, as always, is Mr. Bojo Bananas and Steve Winston. How are things with Mr. Bojo Bananas today? Just great. Yes, how are things with the monkey? Well, Steve Winston's got his big bowl of poop, and he's ready to go. Who's our celebrity today, Peter? there's a good question there, Bojo. tonight's celebrity is one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. his career spans over five decades. he's a knight of the British Realm, a noted sailing enthusiast, the original James Bond, and we intend to throw monkey poop at him. Sir Sean Connery. right now, as you know, Sir Sean Connery is backstage in our green room, where he has no idea that our monkey, Steve Winston, is about to throw poop at him. he thinks we're bringing him on to talk about his favorite thing, sailing. What do you think, Bojo? should we bring him out? bring him on out.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, Sir Sean Connery. hold on one second. this isn't that show where monkeys throw poop at show business people. What? huh? no. what are you talking about? of course not. Yes, it is. you're not fooling me. why does it smell like monkey feces out here? monkey feces? I don't smell anything, Sir. we're going to talk about sailing. Please, please, sit, sit, sit. Yes. that's ridiculous. there's a monkey right over there. right over where, sir? You, man. what are you doing with that monkey? What? you've got a monkey on a leash.
Why? I'm fixing the pipes. What in God's name do you need a monkey to fix the pipes for? that's his assistant, Mr. Connery. Really? Yes. that's remarkable. Yes, it is, sir. Is it it? Now, something not a lot of people know about you, sir, is that sailing is really the love of your life. just one minute. how come there's a plastic sheet on my sheet? I told you, sir. working on the pipes. Well, there's no plastic sheet on your sheet.
Well, this better not be that show where you throw monkey poop at celebrities. No, no, no. Are you sure you, sir? it is not. I would not do that to you, Sir Sean Connery. because I've got a good mind to knock your block off if that monkey throws poop at me. No, no. he will not, sir.
You promise? I promise you.
So, now, when we say sailing, are we talking about one of those little one-man jobs? Or the catamaran or great big yacht? Well, I don't mind. I don't know if you'd call it big or not, but I've got a 30-foot Coronado sloop that I sail around the Isle of Man.
Oh! Good God! What is that? What is it? audience? This is that show, isn't it? Yes. This is that show. Yes, it is. where monkeys throw poop at celebrities. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. for God's sake. Oh! Oh! yes.
I've got to give it to you. Yes? you got me this time. Oh! you really got me. we really did, didn't we?
Yes, it is. that's a lot of pool. that little fella's thinking over there. it's a great deal of poop, sir. Oh, well. please join me next time when our celebrities will be Carrot Top. ha, ha, ha! hey! hey! hey! cheered Stone. wonderful. And Mr. Bill Cosby. I've got monkey poop on my face. we're going to see you next time on. monkeys throwing poop at celebrities. don't you throw it at me, sir. don't you throw it at me, sir. don't you throw it at me, Sir. monkeys throwing poop at celebrities. Thanks for watching! |
SaturdayNightLive | two_wild_crazy_guys_computer_dates_snl | Oh, Jurgen, my brother, there will certainly be a lot of swinging in our bachelor 5 tonight. hold it. let's catch some rays. you and what army? forget about it. Ah, that Fox Bar was really something tonight. it was no difficulty to see many swinging Americans enjoying each other a great deal. And here's a thing I will tell you. the two most swinging foxes had the hots on for us and are coming here tonight to let us hold on to their big American dress. why not? there's nothing preventing them. after all, there's no other pair of Czech brothers who cruise and swing so successfully in tight slacks. we are the wild and crazy guys! Oh, no! our bachelor pad certainly is messed around. soon will be the Foxes.
Where is the portable floor vacuum that we brought with us from Czechoslovakia? Wait here now and you'll find out. this floor vacuum is such a wonderful household convenience that we waited for many years. Yes, usually in Czechoslovakia, only high party officials of the Communist party can get them right away. I'm glad we were able to smuggle it out of Bratislava.
I was invited to this really hot party tonight. Do you guys want to go? no way! that's your funeral! don't come crawling to us to have fashion models from the Fox Bar. we'll be here soon to give themselves to the fest-runk Brothers. You got two ladies coming here tonight. I don't believe it. we'll cruise for them on our tight slacks, which give us great ball jazz. wait a minute, wait a minute. If these chick was so interested, why didn't they just come back with you, man?
Oh, we gave them the address to our bachelor pad. they had to go to the Statue of Liberty to pick up their birth control devices. What? the Statue of Liberty? They told us that in America, many American park Rangers distribute birth control devices. poor foxes. every time they are having sex, they must go to the closest National Monument.
Okay. your time. George, sit down for a minute. I've got to talk to you.
Now, these chicks are Not going To show up. Who told you that? Man, you guys have been hosed, baby. hosed? Count me in. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. uh, hosed. tricked. I mean, they stood you up, man. they're not coming here. these ladies figured, hey, we got these two chickles of hockey and dudes trying to pick us up. what do they know? let's hose them. the chicks were lying, man. I blame them myself. this really bums me up. we sure have a drag. hey, uh, look. you're good guys, man. but sometimes, sometimes you come on too strong. like when we are partying. if you want to score with girls, you can't keep running around yelling. let's sway. you want to sway?
Man, you got to be cool, man. Look, in America, this is America. Cliff, you're standing on the base now.
Tonight, we did not swing successfully. I must talk with my brother, Jorgi. can't I move? Cliff's problem? it's just a yap of innovator. Americans can swing in Brazil without a yashkash. they have a lot of pressure on the country. but in Czechoslovakia, they will miss you too. I don't want to swing in scrunchal. Praseem? We have decided the festeranc brothers do not cruise correctly for Foxes. we will never swing again.
Oh, come on, you guys. Now look, don't take it so hard. let's go to that party, man. Who can this be? someone for Cliff. Now, are the Foxes! up to lunch! Hey, Foxes, clean up your act. Hi, Yortak. hi, George. sorry we're late. no hassles, man. Hey, listen to Jorgi's joke. Well, okay.
How many astro-san medallions can you wear? I don't know. next time, try five of them. let's go, Czechs. let's swing. it's okay, Cliff.
Men, American girls enjoy you too. they enjoy your protruding buttocks all the time. So get off my back, you big sex machine. let's get it out. So now you know we're two wild and crazy guys. let's swing. |
dropout | dating_a_bad_boy_heartbreaker | It's not really a dry spell because I'm like having sex, it's just bad sex, it's like three pumps, no foreplay. Anyways, I booty text to this guy and he's kind of annoying but he's super hot so fingers crossed. Basically I haven't had an orgasm since 2014 and I really need that to change.
That's a really long answer to how's your night going. You asked. Hey. Jeremy, right on time, shall we?
I stop. I don't want to give you the wrong idea. Do you not want to have sex? I do, it's just I know women are emotional creatures that can't detach the way that guys can so I have to tell you. I'm not looking for anything serious. Cool, yeah, me neither.
So, are you calling the car or should I? I want to make it clear then. So I'm calling the car, okay.
That's a one time thing for me. The car is five minutes away. I can't be tied down. I'm a rolling stone. I roll into town. I share an intimate side of myself with you and then I roll away. You are coming through loud and clear. We are riding with Sven in a white Nissan.
I'm kind of a heart breaker. I don't want to hurt you. If this were the 90s or the early 2000s, they would call me a player. Should I get another drink? Is this going to go on much longer? Don't try to hold my hand. Just put your hand in my hand. No. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't fall in love with me.
Oh my God. You're serious. I can't believe I'm still going to fuck you. Well, the car is here so... |
dropout | anime_guy_on_a_date | Hey, before we go inside, there's something that I need to tell you. I'm part anime. What? It's not a big deal. Basically, both of my parents were Japanese cartoon characters. So, you know, it's a part of who I am. Yeah, I mean, sure.
Okay, I'm just gonna get the keys. Sorry, it's the silver one with the ridges.
I'm an idiot.
You know, I like that you're close with your parents. It's actually kind of cute. It appears as though she is aroused by my presence and desires some form of sexual activity. Perhaps I should play a DVD to momentarily disguise my true intentions.
Oh, Andy, you don't have to do this. What's the matter? Do you not like Super Troopers? Oh, no, no, no. I do. But I- Yay!
Hey, man. I'm gonna watch Top Chef, alright? Come on, man. Give us some privacy. I live around too, man. Fine, bro. Chief. What was that? Don't worry about it. Come on. Man, you look so beautiful tonight.
Oh, Andy. Call me Zenith Laserstorm. Andy, do you have a tail? What?
Oh, let's do this. Let's do this.
Yeah, talk dirty to me. Oh, you're a bad girl. You like that? Okay, maybe less talking. I just really want you. Are you- is there something wrong? I know what I must do. Erection blast! Oh, sister.
At this rate, I'll never find true love.
Chib chub. Bro, chib chub. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Texas_Chain_Saw_Massacre | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at the 1974 classic, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a tightly-paced whodunit about a group of friends who stumble into the clutches of a family of cannibals, and everyone's a suspect. Despite a cast of virtual unknowns, the film endures as one of cinema's most iconic mysteries, with a plot so full of twists and red herrings that it keeps audiences guessing the killer's identity even after the final climactic scene. The story opens with a group of friends on a road trip to visit an old farmhouse in rural Texas that once belonged to the grandfather of Sally Hardesty and her paraplegic brother Franklin. The group is rounded out by Pam, Kirk, and Jerry, and everything's going according to schedule until they find the homestead, and then, one by one, the friends all suffer horrifying deaths. Who's behind the violent murders? With a rich cast of suspects, all with their own unique potential motives, Tobe Hooper's elaborately layered script is a feast for any amateur sleuth. As you watch, your alliances will shift, and that's the brilliance of the film. You're never quite sure whom you can trust.
Kirk is the first suspect to die, followed by Pam, or so it seems. We see Leatherface hang Pam on a meat hook, but the next time we see her, she's stuffed inside a refrigerator. Who moved her body? The killer, of course, but who? If you look carefully at this scene where Leatherface is carving Kirk into pieces with his chainsaw, note that you never see Kirk's face. Is it really Kirk?
Maybe not. He might have escaped the earlier bludgeoning and then, later, moved Pam into the fridge. We can't be sure, and that's part of the fun.
The key question in any murder mystery is, of course, who has the best motive? Let's review the suspects. Wheelchair-bound Franklin seems above reproach, but then again, this ability makes him the least likely suspect, which any mystery buff will note means he's a character worth scrutinizing.
Pam busies herself with her astrological readings, but her reluctance to explore the homestead suggests she knows more than she's letting on. Sally, the last surviving friend, is certainly a suspicious character. Look at this scene where Sally is dragged into the cannibal's home. Is she struggling in the bag, or is it all a performance designed to disguise her bloody intentions? Then there's Leatherface chasing and lunging at people with his chainsaw, but what about Jerry, the guy driving the van? And who is the mysterious woman that enters in the climactic dinner scene? Is it Pam in disguise? The last time we saw her, she was in the refrigerator, but remember, she wasn't dead.
Some fans of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre say you won't be sure of the killer's identity until you see it a second or even a third time, and that might be true. A film as devilishly complex as this little thriller is worth watching more than once. Happy Halloween and happy sleuthing. For the Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
cracked | most_embarassing_discovery_ever | What a day a partner. I'll say I'll admit it when those Iranian gorillas had you naked chained naked to a pipe Tiny dingus quivering in fear and it was up to me to save you and edit a video of a farting squirrel by three o'clock I didn't know if I could do it, but then I did I shot everyone and you cried remember that Together I saved the day one hell of a day Actually, I was referring to when you lunged me with a potato peeler because you thought my face was a mask because you thought I was you in disguise None of this stuff that you said happened. Are you still blocking it out? Hey, I understand if I'd been forced to orally pledge I was not forced away gang members. Okay Same time tomorrow. I imagine I will see you in 10 hours 46 minutes and 38 Gloria seconds miss your ride Fact that I'm getting in would seem to suggest so that's all right if you can't afford anything pimp Check it solid metal chassis royal golden cues windows all glass Hey, baby, you hungry brought you a piece of sandwich Who the hell is that Michael you have to let her go let her go man. I am but her humble slave It'll be six years in May found her in the car one day Easy she goes in a big old cup, and I huck him out the window on the way home That is not what I was gonna ask at all, but that's also awful. Oh, I get it you want in on this Hey, I don't blame you this car is not the only thing that screeches when you Know of anybody who died from torture.
I do not Barack Obama is president of the United States today because it's stupid Let's see what's going on at the old Jim Conner But you would Dan What are you what? You Dan why just horses you let's what no why why? Okay, let's go horses what no no Dan why? Horses the last one yeah, Michael.
What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be You know I don't even want to venture a guest pissing in mailboxes. Maybe or Wrestling homeless men, but not here right the guy with the fiberglass horse collection is gonna judge me I was a judge Daniel. What are you doing here?
After you harsh me about the big golf kidnapping in the sex labor whatever I felt bad, so I Came back to you know Properly dispose of your wife's waste release her into the wild no you know Poor crap all over your desk as vengeance hardcore vengeance, but now I just feel bad for you can't do this I'll be laughed out of the office this This world is not kind to horse people. Why don't you do this on your home computer? This is my home computer my office computer was destroyed the last time you sought hardcore vengeance remember. Oh, yeah What's that for I don't know? I'm glad you learned your lesson Now would you please show me how to photoshop your face onto a horse for my blog post tomorrow Michael? We're partners, and if that means anything at all to you, you'll do this for me You said the cue word Partners you got a deal But listen I better get out of here every minute alone in the car is a minute the little lady might figure out how To hotwire take care of this for me. No well, I'll leave it in the break room He's gonna Hey, so I'll vlog my man, or should I say my main man? I Could have that main state.
I meant the kind of horses. I know hey Dan the boss wanted me to give you something Sugar cubes should have known something so sweet it only comes Still though Damn it Mike you me. I liberated you You are living a lie, and now you're free Free to let your horses roam across the plains of your desk instead of corralling them in the stable of your drawer Free to harness yourself to a pumping stallion and run and run and never stop in it I know that inspirational monologue username dream gallop 69 for 20 acts and then a little like I Comment on my blog all the time You're always talking about which horse has the longest long Arabian trying to get people to petition to legalize horse increase demand as a food staple Would shore up their flagging number everybody hates you. I hate you. I banned you like eight times Yeah, but I always come back. I'm sneaky and unavoidable like the horse No anything about horses horses are proud and honest and Mike you're such a hypocrite you betrayed me, and you're keeping the same secret right no This is nothing like that.
Why say it say why the people in this office? They look up to me Daniel. I'm their hero. It would crush them saying that is not gonna make it real sure It does everything always works out for me example one I was very thirsty today, and then I found this big gulp in the break room on my way in check it still warm Something I should know before I get a mouthful of this bad boy Nope okie-dokie What why |
cracked | spirit_halloween_explained | Halloween is over, which means Spirit Halloween is going to disappear for another 10 months. But where does it come from and where does it go? Where does it come from? Spirit Halloween Joe. Spirit Halloween's business model is built off the backs of giant bankrupt retailers who leave these empty spaces from 5,000 to 50,000 square feet. A vacant space that's 50,000 square feet big is too expensive and expensive for a small restaurant or small clothing store to move into. So Spirit Halloween flies in. In 2018 it was estimated that Halloween is a $9 billion a year industry, meaning that Spirit Halloween has the capital to swoop into these empty spaces and pay a higher price for a short-term lease. So all these Spirit Halloweens are shut down by November 15th because that's when their lease ends. All the extras are sent back to Spirit Halloween HQ and the giant real estate team at Spirit Halloween starts making deals for the following year. So much like a zombie, Spirit Halloween moves into these dead stores and brings them back to life in the form of something spooky. |
SaturdayNightLive | some_big_shot_saturday_night_live | Welcome back to Turner Classic Movies. I'm Ben Makowitz. we're in the middle of the 1952 drama Whistle if you Can, starring Preston Webb as a wealthy businessman and Myrna Fontaine as the hooker with the heart of gold. let's watch.
Ooh, this is some place. you must be some kind of big shot. Nice, huh? Never been in this hotel before.
So tell me, uh, Mr. Businessman, what's your pleasure? Whoa, slow down. slow down? Candy's just getting started. No, stop. Look, I just want to talk. talk? yeah, I just want to get to know you as a person. it's your time. tell me, what did you want to be before you started turning tricks? Uh, what is this, 20 questions? Well, no, really, I want to know. I don't know. it's.it's silly, but I. I guess I always kind of want to be a dental hygienist. I don't think that's silly. what's your name?
I told you, it's Candy. no, no, your real name, the one your mother gave you. my mother? does she even know you're doing this? My mother, she lives in Nebraska. I haven't spoken to her in years. maybe you should call her. maybe she doesn't want to hear from me. funny thing about mothers, they always answer the phone. Mama! it's me. Yeah, yeah, I miss you too. No, I'm okay. yeah, mama. I'll be home for Christmas. But what do you know, I. I guess she still loves me. of course she does.
Thanks. Oh, and mister, it's Gertrude. my name, that is. Gertrude. that's a very nice name. Thank you.
Gertrude, give me a handjob. What? give me a handjob, Gertrude.
I don't understand. I thought you said you wanted to talk. Well, yeah, that's what turns me on. First, I get a prostitute to talk about her life, then I make her call her mom while I watch, then I get your real name, and then handy. Yeah. Well, that is sick. Well, to quote you, a hooker, it's my dime. Okay, fine. but I want the ten bucks up front. I'm only gonna pay you $7.50. Well, what gives? that call was a long distance call. some big shot. let's go. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_marcello_hernandez_kenan_thompson_and_kristen_wiig_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. thank you very much. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, yesterday, everyone in New York pretended they felt an earthquake. Just admit it, you thought it was wind. this earthquake was actually the best possible disaster. it was kind of like the time I saw my dad in the shower. it was a little scary. there was no permanent damage, but I'm going to remember it for the rest of my life. at a campaign rally, former President Trump said he would debate President Biden any time, any place, And then he pointed to an empty podium on the stage. And now Trump and Biden are both polling 80 points behind the podium. In a new interview, Donald Trump also claimed that President Biden was high on cocaine during the State of the Union, saying he was all jacked up at the beginning. by the end, he was fading fast. huh, it almost sounds like Donald Trump knows exactly what it feels like to be on cocaine.
You know, like at the beginning, you've got a lot of energy. But then, by the end, you're fading fast.
Just recently heard that Saudi Arabia and Russia will re-be-do. Donald Trump said at a rally that he would make November 5th Christian Visibility Day. Wait, I thought that was called Ash Wednesday. the Florida Supreme Court has allowed the state's six-week abortion ban to take effect. So now Florida's only remaining method for ending a pregnancy is rollercoasters. Just today, Donald Trump posted on Truth Social that he wasn't scared of going to jail for violating a gag order, saying, I will gladly become a modern-day Nelson Mandela. Unfortunately for Halloween. Iowa's Final Four game against Uconn was the most watched women's college basketball game ever, with 14.2 million viewers, beating the previous record by 14.2 million viewers. it was also reported Friday that the U.s. economy added over 300,000 jobs. unfortunately, most of them are bridge-fixer. experts are saying that two different broods of cicadas will hatch this month, releasing trillions of cicadas into the U.s. and Biden is just letting them in.
House Republicans have introduced a bill to rename Washington D.c.'s Dulles Airport after Donald Trump. Because airports are a lot like Trump, a chaotic nightmare that turns you against your own family.
New York City, New York City was rattled yesterday morning as a rare 4.8-magnitude earthquake shook the city and much of the Northeast around 10 a.m. Here with more is the earthquake. I'd like to film me yesterday, me too. the city was thrown into pure chaos.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know about chaos.
I mean, people were a little surprised. it was chaos, Colin! people stopped working for five, even six minutes, to text their friends. did you just feel something? Colin, the flights were delayed at all the airports for up to 30 minutes. up to 30 minutes, Colin! how long are they normally delayed? an hour. pure chaos!
Move over, guy who was punching women in the face. I punched the whole city in the face! a teeny tiny little punches like a scary massage! Behold, the power of the New Yorker's quads! didn't you originate in New Jersey, though? I mean, I grew up there, but I moved to the city. And there is nothing on Earth as powerful as me!
What is this candy-ass little fool talking about? Oh, my God, it's the Eclipse! And you listen up, and you listen up Good, Earthquake. you want to do a little shimmy shake and try to steal my thunder? Well, what you gonna do when the Solar Eclipse runs wild on you? Come Monday, all of America will be covered in eternal darkness. Yeah, I don't know. I heard the Eclipse was only supposed to last, like, four minutes. we're just gonna feel like an eternity when you're staring at me through a shoebox. Well, you listen to me! your pathetic excuse to make the moon exciting!
If you thought I was done after one earthquake, just wait until you feel the aftershocks! Oh, yeah, brother! I hit it, I quit it, and I redid it! Oh, was that I just heard? it's another book falling gently off the shelf, baby. Earthquake strikes again! Fool!
You got nothing on the chaos that I will bring, and people think that they are ready with their little special glasses? Well, most of them are fakes that they bought on Amazon. their eyes are mine! And their dogs are gonna be extremely confused for a couple of hours. Well, I made the dogs confused, too! but I'll make them think it's night, sucker! guys, guys, let's calm down. you're both very disruptive. natural events. you know what?
Colin's right, Eclipse. we shouldn't be fighting. we should team up. An earthquake during an eclipse? that'd be biblical, brother. the kind of thing that they used to make ancient people throw a virgin into a volcano. I like it! No, no, hold on. New York doesn't need another earthquake, especially during a blackout. Well, don't worry. I'm sure Mayor Adams will have it totally under control. Eclipse and earthquake, everyone!
No, who did they say? It was reported that the man who married a conjoined twin is facing a paternity lawsuit from his ex-wife. Great. the last thing that guy needs is another mouth to feed. a United Airlines flight from Germany was forced to return to the airport after the toilet broke and leaked into the cabin. though it's the perfect punishment for people who take their shoes off on planes. primate expert Jane Getall celebrated her 90th birthday by gathering together with 90 dogs, then feeding them all to her apes. In a lawsuit against Yay, a former employee claims that Yay compared himself to Hitler minus the gas chambers. And I, for one, am shocked to hear that Yay believes in the Holocaust.
This week, Live with Kelly and Mark re-ran an episode from 2023 in which host Kelly Ripa begs to go on Diddy's yacht. even crazier, Snl is airing an episode right now with a guy who was on Diddy's yacht last week. weather experts are forecasting that this year we'll see the highest number of hurricanes ever, thanks to an abnormally active summer of gay weddings. a stone vial discovered in Iran contained a red cosmetic that experts say was likely used as lipstick nearly 4,000 years ago by an ancient skank. isn't that fascinating, Colin? I'm learning a lot. a man diagnosed with Schizophrenia has been given a support dog that can help him determine what is real and what is a hallucination. But the craziest part is there's no dog. scientists in Portugal have accidentally created a mouse embryo that has an extra leg where its genitals should be, and brother, same. All right. yours is the size of a mouse's leg? no, no, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no. we already locked it in.
Well, this has been a great season for hit movies. here with her own takes on the movies is her old friend, Aunt Linda. Aunt Linda, long time no see.
Wow. Hello, Seth. someone's gotten some work done. I'm actually Colin. you haven't been here in a while. what have you been up to? Well, I'll tell you. Nosy O'donnell. I got divorced. my husband finally got hearing aids. ten minutes later, he was on a bus. Oh, my God. Well, I'm so sorry, but we're excited for you to give us the latest take on all the hit movies out there. Well, my pleasure. or should I say pain?
Anyone else sit through that 90 minutes of Stanko called Barbie? I didn't get it. is she a doll that comes to life? It didn't make any sense.
And where are they? on the moon? Yeah, I mean, I don't think Barbie took place on the moon.
Yeah, and there was so much pink, the only good thing that came out of it was reminded to take my pep to Bismol. And hey, America Ferrari, save your speeches for women's livers.
I love wearing a bra. yeah, I don't know. it was a very popular movie. no, I don't know why. I'm that kitty character. Ryan Gosling? more like Ryan Gosling. I think he just said his name the same place. it's very hard to make fun of. Oh, okay. yeah. I'd give Barbie a couple of what in-laws and four to give. Yeah! The next film I watched was also a big one. Can you take a guess?
Oppenheimer? Bingo, Bango, Bono. So you did not like Oppenheimer? Noppenheimer. Directed by Christopher, No thanks. Why the heck would anyone make up a microwave?
Okay. well, what else have you watched That confused you? don't get smart, Tina and Amy. well, you'll be happy to know I ventured into the land of television along with everybody else. Whatever happened to me in grass Gummies watching movies on the Turlet? All right, so what have you been watching on Tv? Well, there was one show with a very misleading title. what was that?
The Bear. placed a sitcom about a hairy, doughy gay man who has to raise his sister's kids. Spoiler alert, it's about a restaurant. And why is everyone in the kitchen so unorganized? Here's a novel idea. Hey, Chef, stop doing so many sit-ups in your Calvin Klingers and hire more people. they're understaffed.
Rachel Ray would be ruling in her grave. Rachel Ray is very much alive.
Where did you come from? I've been here the whole time.
I give the Bear one big fat what the fudge and 15 what's going on? All right, Linda, before you leave, there's got to be one thing that you liked. not liked, loved. I laughed, I cried. I started again the minute it was finished. Oh, my God, what was that? Paw Patrol. dog saving the world in uniforms? here's my alley, and this film went straight up it. I've got an idea. send the pups to chop vegetables over at the Bear. Why is he so upset? he found a bunch of money in the tomato sauce. And what the heck is energy?
Aunt Linda, everyone. for weekend updates, I'm Colin Jones. I'm Michael Cherry tonight. I'm Colin.
You listen up good, Earthquake. You want to do a little shimmy shake and try to steal my thunder? Well, what you gonna do when the Solar Eclipse runs wild on you? come Monday, all of America will be covered in eternal darkness. Yeah, I don't know. I heard the Eclipse was only supposed to last like four minutes. we're just gonna feel like an eternity when you're staring at me through a shoebox. Well, you listen to me. you pathetic excuse to make the moon exciting? If you thought I was done after one earthquake, just wait until you feel the aftershocks.
Oh, yeah, brother. I hit it, I quit it, and I redid it. Oh, what was that I just heard? it's another book falling gently off the shelf, baby. Earthquake strikes again. Food! You got nothing on the chaos that I will bring.
And people think that they are ready for a little special glasses. Well, most of them are fakes that they bought on Amazon. their eyes are mine. And their dogs are gonna be extremely confused for a couple of hours. Well, I made the dogs confused, too. but I'll make them think it's night, sucker.
Guys. guys, let's calm down. you're both very disruptive natural events. Colin's right, Eclipse. we shouldn't be fighting. we should team up. And earthquake during an eclipse? that'd be biblical, brother. the kind of thing that they used to make ancient people throw a virgin into a volcano. I like it. No, no. New York doesn't need another earthquake, especially during a blackout. Well, don't worry. I'm sure Mayor Adams will have it totally under control.
Eclipse and Earthquake, everyone. it was reported that the man who married a conjoined twin is facing a paternity lawsuit from his ex-wife. Great. the last thing that guy needs is another mouth to feed. a United Airlines flight from Germany was forced to return to the airport after the toilet broke and leaked into the cabin. though it's the perfect punishment for people who take their shoes off on planes. primate expert Jane Goodall celebrated her 90th birthday by gathering together with 90 dogs, then feeding them all to her apes. In a lawsuit against Yay, a former employee claims that Yay compared himself to Hitler minus the gas chambers. And I, for one, am shocked to hear that Yay believes in the Holocaust. This week, live with Kelly and Mark, we began an episode from 2023 in which host Kelly Ripa begs to go on Diddy's yacht. even crazier, Snl is airing an episode right now with a guy who was on Diddy's yacht last week. weather experts are forecasting that this year will see the highest number of hurricanes ever, thanks to an abnormally active summer of gay weddings. a stone vial discovered in Iran contained a red cosmetic that experts say was likely used as lipstick nearly 4,000 years ago by an ancient skank. isn't that fascinating, Kyle? I'm learning a lot. a man diagnosed with Schizophrenia has been given a support dog that can help him determine what is real and what is a hallucination.
But the craziest part is there's no dog. scientists in Portugal have accidentally created a mouse embryo that has an extra leg where its genitals should be, and brother, same. All right. yours is the size of a mouse's leg? No, no, wait, no, no, no, no, no. take that dog back. we already locked it in.
Well, this has been a great season for hit movies. here with her own takes on the movies is her old friend, Aunt Linda. All right, Aunt Linda, long time, no see. Well, hello, Seth. someone's gotten some work done. I'm actually Colin. you haven't been here in a while. what have you been up to?
Well, I'll tell you. Nosy O'donnell. I got divorced. my husband finally got hearing aids. ten minutes later, he was on a bus. Oh, my God, well, I'm so sorry, but we're excited for you to give us the latest take on all the hit movies out there. Well, my pleasure. or should I say pain? Anyone else sit through that 90 minutes of Stanko?
Called Barbie? I didn't get it. is she a doll that comes to life? it didn't make any sense. And where are they? on the moon? Yeah, I mean, I don't think Barbie took place on the moon.
Yeah, and there was so much pink, the only good thing that came out of it is I was reminded to take my pep to Bismol. And hey, America Ferrari, save your speeches for women's livers. I love wearing a bra. yeah, I don't know. it was a very popular movie. no, I don't know why. I'm that kitty character, Ryan Gosling. more like Ryan Gosling. I think he just said his name the same place. it's very hard to make fun of. I'd give Barbie a couple of what in-laws and four to give. the next film I watched was also a big one. can you take a guess?
Oppenheimer? Bingo, bango, Bamo. So you did not like Oppenheimer? Nopenheimer. Directed by Christopher, no thanks. Why the heck would anyone make a microwave?
Okay. well, what else have you watched that confused you? Don't get smart, Tina and Amy. well, you'll be happy to know I ventured into the land of television along with everybody else. Whatever happened to just watching movies in the theater? now everyone stays home eating grass gummies, watching movies on the turlet. All right, so what have you been watching on Tv? Well, there was one show with a very misleading title. what was that? The Bear. placed a sitcom about a hairy, doughy gay man who has to raise his sister's kids.
Spoiler alert, it's about a restaurant. And why is everyone in the kitchen so unorganized? Here's a novel idea. Hey, Chef, stop doing so many sit-ups in your Calvin Klingers and hire more people. Wow. they're understaffed.
Rachel Ray would be ruling in her grave. Rachel Ray is very much alive. where did you come from? I've been here the whole time.
I give the Bear one big fat what the fudge and 15. What's going on? All right, Linda, before you leave, there's got to be one thing that you liked. not liked, loved. I laughed, I cried, I started again the minute it was finished. Oh, my God, what was that? Paw Patrol. dog saving the world in uniforms? here's my alley. and this film went straight up it. I got an idea. send the pups to shop vegetables over at the Bear. why is he so upset? he's got a bunch of money on the tomato sauce. And what the heck is Kennerjee?
And Linda, everyone. Thanks, guys. for a good update, I'm Colin Jones. I'm Michael Cherry. Good night. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_25_04_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. And welcome to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin for the week that was the last week of April, halfway through the 10-day weekend that most government employees are taking.
I'm Clancy O'Farrell and joined with me is Errol Parker. Hello.
We're filling in for the usual news readers, Wendell Hussey and Bruce Hitchcock, on long service leave. They've taken the full 10 days, like the communists they are, but of course we had to give it to them because we need them on deck for the election. This is a part of the problem about having a Labor state government. We've got these employees that feel entitled to time off. I guess we had to give it to them, didn't we Clancy? Had to give it to them, but we'll be all hands on decks for the next couple of weeks.
So, sorry, starting with this one earlier this week, a recent report by LitFam licensing in the Hospitality Association movement, LitFam found that 80% of all craft beer is actually just passita. Some being alcoholic, some not being alcoholic at all. Well, that was news to some Clancy, but it wasn't news to me because I'm not one that is a fan of craft beer. I don't like craft beer. I think that craft beer is a largely redundant industry.
I think that beer should be made out of four things. It should be made out of water, barley, hops, and yeast. I don't think there should be any fruit in it. I don't think there should be any other flavoring in it. I just think beer should be beer.
Raw and honest opinions from Errol Parker regarding that particular finding. Up next, we have a story straight out of Attuta Heights, this one.
Yeah, local teacher devastated a little shit has ruined her future baby name. I think the little shit she's talking about is a little shit in her classroom. Yes, I know as my beautiful wife Odette is a school teacher, we had our eye on a couple of baby names. One was ruined. Little Wolfgang. She had a Wolfgang in her class, which turned out to be a little bit of a cunt, but you never know.
Well, there's plenty of other good ones. We've thought about Odin. If it's a boy, it's a strong name to be named after your mother. You know, we are a very progressive couple, and we think that Odin is quite gender neutral. And of course, would take her last name as well in this modern relationship you are in. Odette and Odin Ibrahim.
That would be quite a name for a young man. As for this particular story, Finn was the name ruined by the local Attuta Heights primary schooler. Though that is a real shame. I actually know the kid in question, Finn Hennigan. His father is a downright degenerate.
We used to play football together. Yeah, I'm not surprised that the kids turned out that way. Moving on the Easter long weekend that just was a story broke out of the Attuta Grove area. That was a family lunch pauses to hear single childless freak try and justify their lifestyle.
Of course, we've all been there, haven't we, Clancy? I mean, just a few short years ago, you are a middle aged man, a bachelor, and then a couple of trips over to the Philippines. And then you've come back and you're a changed man. You're married up. And I guess the questions have stopped, Clancy.
Well, definitely. Definitely.
Many questions were answered. Turns out I wasn't firing blanks, despite the fact that I was putting in a lot of work throughout the Western Queensland Channel Country. It never came to be. But actually, yes, we are a very, very happy family.
You know, Barnaby Joyce has set the tone. I am what they would consider a young dad in this day and age. Anyway, moving on. What's next? Speaking of existential crises, this one's come straight out of Attuta Heights once again. This little 25-year-old has an existential crisis after learning Rachel was the same age in Friends. Well, guess what, Clancy? Friends was a fictional television show, so I think that young lady can rest assured that she can't compare herself to the great yardstick that is Rachel from Friends. I think she's got to look more at herself and think that, you know, maybe she's achieved a lot for someone of her age and of her ilk. Yes. In the late 90s, early 2000s, you probably could afford an apartment of that size in New York City and that iconic haircut that Jennifer Aniston made famous in her role as Rachel. But, you know, young women in Australia, young men in Australia aren't blessed with the same kind of metropolitan living, affordable metropolitan living, particularly out here in Attuta with the rental market just absolutely out of control over the last few years. But, you know, times have changed. And as I said, 45, I'm now a young father by today's standards. Well, you've actually taken a bit of a leaf out of Rachel's book with your new hairdo, Clancy. I see you've got your frosted tips, I think, is what the kids call them these days, aren't they?
Yes. No, no, that was actually just lemon juice, so don't worry about that. Actually, that's not really relevant to the programming at all. Just a bit of lemon juice out in the sun, working on the lawn. All right.
From one mood swing to another, let's move on, Clancy. What's next? A local apprentice says mood swings and bloating will be all worth it come festival season. When is festival season, Clancy? I believe it begins after the wet months of September.
Of course, the entire music festival industry has changed a lot of late. Not only have they effectively tried to ban them in New South Wales, you know, the music's changed a lot. I mean, earlier this decade, we had the EDM, dance music and the stereosonic type festivals, you know, one stereosonic went for two days.
And that was where your nation's, you know, first year apprentices, second year apprentices would really come out to play. They'd save all their money, they'd bank on that government tool loan, they'd buy a lot of ecstasy, but they'd also spend a lot of time in the winter months preparing their body. Mood swings were a common place and they still are to a degree. Protein powder, pre-trainer, you've just got to shred that body down so you've got the perfect six pack for when you debut a new sleeve tattoo in a very short pair of shorts.
Well, that isn't my idea of a good time, Clancy, but I'll tell you what is. I want to get probably half a pound of the stickiest, bikey hydroponic pot that I can get my hands on and go to Blues Fest and probably try to green out during Bob Dylan in his current state of decomposition. I think that's got me written all over it. It sounds like a good time, but it also sounds like someone who's never seen Tiesto live. I'll tell you, you can forget Sunday service, you can forget church until you've seen Tiesto live. You really haven't lived. I do remember, I was one of these men once, of course I wasn't an apprentice, but I was a cadet journalist and I was quite involved in the EDM, Australian dance music as well, ADM scene, but that's neither here nor there. As I said, I'm a young father.
And moving on to the final story, what was that one, Aaron? The headline I'm reading at the moment is, Local woman straps in for a fight after first line of email reads as per my previous email. Yes, very, very common place. What would you call that? Passive aggressive email etiquette? I would just call it being mildly catty. Catty?
Others would argue that it's called being based. Being based. What does being based mean? It means being in your purest form, I'm not here to fuck around, as per my previous email, Jennifer, as per my previous email, Gregory.
We've seen it in our office as well, you know, particularly around this time of the year, a lot of people taking it easy. The people who did decide to come into work, doing a bit of piss farting around. So I do understand the sentiment from both sides, actually, in this particular article. Hopefully we'll have everyone back on deck next week and you won't have to hear from us. I wouldn't fucking count on a Clancy. I mean, there's just the amount of piss taking that's been happening here at The Advocate has really sent a chill down my spine. I mean, of all the newspapers I've worked at in my life, I think that this is the most rubber band powered operation I've ever been party to.
More so than the ABC newsroom, would you say? Way worse than the ABC newsroom. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but the ABC is fucking useless. News Corp's fucking useless and every other one of them is fucking useless.
And we are worse than all of them? We're worse than all of them.
Okay. We've done well to get at least this many stories out this week, I have to say.
There's no one here. Yeah, there's no one here. It's been flat chat.
The editors are burning the midnight oil. And speaking of which, I am going to go watch a midnight oil cover band play tonight called James Hardy and the Pinkbats. They'll be playing down at the Lord Kidman Hotel and that's where I'm going right now.
So enjoy your weekend, ladies and gentlemen. Yep. Have a nice day. Have a great rest. If you're still on holidays and if you're a public servant, go fuck yourself. See you later. |
dropout | hardly_working_robot_girlfriend | Hey I want you guys to meet my new girlfriend at Shannon Shannon. This is the guys Wow Shannon. That's Nordic, right? Yes, I thought so You know my sister's name Shannon. She's hot.
Thank you. Whoa.
He's in my new girlfriend guys Sorry, man. It's like too good to be true. Hey, tell us the truth. You're a robot, aren't you? Oh Shannon I'm kidding. It's really nice to meet you Jesus Christ, she broke my hand. Oops. My mistake. Wait a minute You just got your hand crushed by a girl.
Oh Okay, I don't have girly bones all right, she has super strength or something she only weighs 123 pounds Jake I doubt she has super strength. Okay. Okay, then how about this you two arm wrestle? No, I'm not gonna arm wrestle her What are you a scared scared of losing to a girl? No. Hey, let's do it. Let's arm wrestle My arm you broke my arm My little baby Jakey got your arm broke by a girl.
So what's it like having a dress under those jeans? Guess it's broke my desk. So what do you think of my friends? Pretty cool, right? I think we're going to get along just fine.
Oh Girl just made you into a severely nerve-damaged quadriplegic. Yes, you did Hey Jake, I'm sorry about yesterday turns out Shannon was a robot. No problem, man. I've dated a few robots in my day |
dropout | maybe_this_stupid_thing_will_fix_my_life | This is it guys. This is my year. This is the year I finally become more organized and less anxious. Good for you. I think my goal for the year is to stop letting people in or out.
I've got a whole system. And it all starts right here. I write everything down in this journal. Everything that might be clogging up the old brain. Ideas, goals for the year, shopping lists. It all goes right here in one convenient color coded location. Wow. There is a lot of stuff in here. Oh yeah. Don't you worry that the important stuff will get lost. I'm one step ahead of you Zach.
That's why I also have this to-do app. It tells me everything I need to get done in the day in case it falls out of my brain or my journal. See, there's my reminder to update my journal. This thing has really kept me on the ball. Especially now that I need to spend two hours journaling every day.
Oh there, gotta do that too. This all sounds pretty stressful. Yeah it is. That's also why I downloaded this meditation app. Did you know that just an hour of meditation a day gives me the energy I need to catch up on all the work that piled up while I was meditating? It's true. But isn't that kind of counterintuitive? Yes. It also sends me a reminder every five seconds to breathe. Trap, I gotta be honest. It feels like these systems are stressing you out even more.
I thought the same thing and that's why I bought this fidget cube. It's a little tiny cube with a bunch of little buttons that don't do anything and little wheels and gizmos and stuff. It helps me relax. It's kind of like doing work but it doesn't do anything.
How much did you spend on all this? I haven't had the courage to look but it's all here in the journal okay? So it's worth every penny because if I didn't buy all this stuff then how could I relax after spending money on all this stuff?
Reorganize journal. Gotta do that. It's getting a little out of control in there guys. I think I gotta rework the whole organizational system. That'll help me relax.
If you say so. I do say so. I do say so Zach.
I can finally relax because of all these things and because of my calling fragrances and my ergonomic chair. I can finally relax now Zach.
If it helps you then I guess that's yeah what's important. Don't you ever fucking interrupt me. That's what's important.
Trapp do you have it? Not now Sam! Hi it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun things and send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. |
ClickHole | man_locks_himself_in_hot_car_to_prove_that_babies_and_dogs_are_cowards | what's up everybody mike b here so there's been a lot of stories recently about babies being left for hours in hot cars so i decided that i'm gonna lock myself in my own hot car just to show everyone out there that babies are weak little cowards who can't do something as simple as sitting in a hot car all right let's do this thing it's definitely gotten warm in here but who cares what babies have never gotten warm before oh look at me i'm a dumb little asshole who gets scared when it's warm my tiny heart is beating twice as fast just to regulate my body temperature are you kidding me babies is this the best you've got yes it's definitely gotten a lot hotter in here and yes i am sweating but unlike a stupid child i don't expect life to be a constant walk in the park sometimes you have to just suck it up and deal with it all right kids you know who else would probably be dead by now a dog dogs are pussies just balanced my checkbook staying in this hot car is turning out to be quite the productive day for me now this might come across as showboating but here's something else a child's too weak to do baby's tiny teeth would shatter before getting halfway through this thing i mean jesus these little guys can't even eat a goddamn carrot psych that was my best toddler trapped in the back seat of a hot car for two hours impression you really can't count on your kids not to die in a hot car yep i'm still alive eat it babies okay three hours most moms would be returning right now to find a dead child but if they were returning to me they'd find a completely alive man well we've learned that sitting in a hot car is an incredibly easy thing to do if you're not a cowardly baby kids are pussies and can't do anything like and subscribe to watch next week where my friend sal shakes me and pushes on the crown of my head and i still don't die |
TheOnion | Phantom_Thread_Producer_Points_Out_All_The_Times_Daniel_Day_Lewis_Fucks_Up_At_Acting | Hello, I'm Elise Barnett, and I'm one of the producers of Phantom Thread. In this scene, we witness an argument between Daniel, who plays dressmaker Reynolds Woodcock, and his love interest, Alma, played by the marvelous Vicki Cripps. And right away, Daniel Day-Lewis fucks up the whole thing with his bad acting. We stayed wide for this entire scene so we could avoid drawing too much of the audience's attention to Daniel's lifeless embodiment of his character. Now I want to shift your attention to Leslie Manville on the left, who plays Cyril. She becomes so annoyed with Daniel's wooden, uninspired delivery that she gets up and walks out of the shot, leaving Vicki to struggle through the scene alone. That was improvised. And now Daniel continues to read his lines from the script, which we had to hide in this little notebook because it's impossible for him to remember more than four words of a line at a time. This is when we pretty much gave up on him as an actor. Daniel is a big name in acting, which is a real head-scratcher, because the talent just isn't there. But you have to work with what you get, like a dog or a child actor. You know, I believe the true achievement of this film is all the actors not hurling objects at Daniel every time some god-awful pedestrian read of a line tumbled out of his mouth.
Like here. I make dresses. And here. When did this happen? It's just like, god damn, what in the hell was that? What in the fuck are you doing, man?
If you look closely throughout the entire movie, actually, you can see the seething contempt the other actors have for him, both professionally and personally. They convey it so clearly with just their eyes, a glimpse or a brief focused stare. And I can't blame them, because the reality is, Daniel is a fucking terrible actor. And I'm honestly relieved that this was his last film ever. |
dropout | dating_tips_from_couples_ch_shorts | I'm Kelsey. And I'm Jazz.
And we're your married friends giving you dating advice. We've been married for a decade. So we've amassed a ton of wisdom about love.
And we're here to help? Our first lost soul today is my gal, Palia. Hey girl, what's up?
Hey guys, my boyfriend is bad at telling me how he feels and I don't know what to do. Dump him.
Wait, what? Listen, we've been married for 10 years. By default, we must have relationships figured out. And since I don't have to think about this for more than a passing second, I'm perfectly comfortable giving you catchphrased advice.
He's trash.
You're the best. Thanks, Leah, for calling. But I still love him. With that problem solved, I got my childhood pal, Garrett, on the phone. Garrett, talk to me.
So, my boyfriend and I spent the holidays apart. Dump him! That's not the thing. The thing is, you forgot to wish me happy Hanukkah. Dump him!
What? Why?
You can do so much better, we assume. It shouldn't have to be work. But aren't a lot of relationships work? No. You're just throwing out advice so flippantly. I want him to be more considerate, not out of my life.
I thought you guys were experts. We are.
So take it from me. I met the only person he ever dated when he was 12 and happened to never struggle in this area of my life. You gotta move on. That's right, Garrett.
I mean, I've never had this problem or had to put myself out there in any way. And I don't even know what dating apps are.
And I'll tell you that every chance I get. But I think we can both agree that you need to start playing the field and dump him. Dump him! God, another soul saved. What does Tinder even look like, anyway? That was to say, babe, it's the seventies. We got our final caller on the line. It's our bestie, Keisha. What do you say, Kay? So, my boyfriend is being a little... Dump him!
Sorry. Not just yet, not just yet. I'm gonna need to break up. Sorry. Okay, keep going.
My boyfriend is a little messy and it's really getting to me. You know, we had this problem once. Oh my God, really? Oh, yeah. This one time, Jazz was making me too horny. Just sort of touching his shoulder. Fill me with this agonizing wave of pleasure that is really stressful. We had an honest, clear conversation and it really fixed our problem. I did it again. I'm going crazy.
I'm sorry, does that help? No, that doesn't relate to what I said at all. Oh. Then dump him.
What does Bumble even look like, anyway? Do you realize how difficult what you're suggesting to people is? Because of one small imperfection.
You want me to leave someone I love, sort through our shared things, move out of our home and find a new place to live, and then start all over again. Yeah, you'll find someone in no time. What, like a year or two? Sure, that seems right. That's two years of my life. That's real time for me, you guys.
Relationships are messy, okay? So, fuck you guys and your cat-phrasy advice. Okay, yikes, yes. Keisha seems super difficult.
Yeah, she's trash and we're great. We should dump her.
Guys, thanks so much for listening. I'm Kelsey. And I'm Jazz. And we're your married friends, giving you advice, even though we know nothing about what you're going through.
Want to crack a couple anal nitrates? Yeah. Yeah, take a couple quaaludes. Okay, yeah, what else? I'm going to feather your hair. Feather him? Yeah. I'm going to make you look like Farrah Fawcett. Oh, cool.
Thank you so much for watching. I love my job and I'm definitely not trapped in this video. Things are great. |
cracked | we_remade_avatar_2_for_20 | I am such a foolish, knobby dad. Half of my children! Why do you come here? If you live here, you have to run.
I'll cast. That's all they see. I see him.
Come at me, bro! Already here, bro! Bro!
You know how much this bad little fence is on the urban market? About 80... Million? Yeah, dollars. I cannot bring you a war here. Fine.
I hear her heart. What does it sound like? Arrhythmia.
You're crazy. The way of Walter connects all things. Before you're both and after you're deaf. It's water time. Here comes Jim. Let's didgeridoo this! This family is our fortress! Well there goes our family, welcome to the Sullies baby! A lot of people asked me when we first started working on the film, you know, Jim, is this movie going to get made? And I took him down on my little submarine and we went down under the Mariana's trench and I said, if you ever ask me that again, if you ever ask me that again, I'm going to leave here. I'm going to leave here and you'll never come back! |
cracked | 6_myths_you_probably_believe_about_the_american_revolution_today_s_topic | Man, I want to meet the screenwriter of America. You mean the book writer of America the Book? Or the founder of America the Country? Or the lead singer of America the Band?
Because... None of those. Let me finish! John Stewart, Lee Farrickson, and Jerry Beckley. I know so much stuff about things. Then, tell me. Who is the screenwriter of America the Country? The story? The concept of? Concepts do not have screenwriters. Nor do countries. I am just killing it with the knowing stuff today. What's the story of the American Revolution?
The British taxed us and we were mad about it. The British did tax us, sure. But they never actually collected on those taxes, so the colonists never paid.
What would happen if you tried to do that? If you didn't pay your taxes? Yeah! If the system worked, then the IRS would find me and find me and I would be in a lot of trouble with the government.
Right. Well, when the colonists decided not to pay, Great Britain was like, fine, okay, that's your thing, whatever. Terrible, terrible British accent. Then what happened? Great Britain went to war with French and the Indians. False! Sorry, native Indians. France legally owned a piece of land in the Ohio country and the colonists wanted to say, give me that. And Great Britain was like, sorry, can't do that, it's not ours, you have plenty of land, can't have that. It's better, it's a better accent. The colonists went and attacked France anyway, thereby forcing Great Britain into an expensive war that they didn't even want in the first place. Damn. I know this, don't you finish.
Then Great Britain jacked up the price of tea and we revolted because at the time, tea, we liked tea. The tax on tea was the only tax that Great Britain was actually going to enforce. However, they still didn't care about any of those other taxes. They just needed to show that they were still in charge and to make the Americans pay for some of the cost of that war. And what did the colonists do?
They partied. Not like you and I do, though. They put tea in water. Not like you and I do.
It was just one necessary and deserved tax and the colonists flipped the hell out about it because, why? Because they'd rather get their shitty tea from illegal smugglers. But no, the next thing you know, revolution happens. Against oppressors, though. Not only were they not oppressive, Great Britain didn't even know that the colonists were unhappy. The American representative for England was Ben Franklin and he told them everything was fine and everyone was super happy back home. Imagine you're British. So you've got your colonists over in America and they're not paying taxes and they're not following orders and they're doing whatever they want.
And then their spokesman comes out and is like, everything's super awesome. You're the best.
And then suddenly, out of nowhere, the colonists go to war. They declare war and they start a revolution. You, you'd be like, what the ****, right?
And my question, and not that you ever were, but you can stop being British now, is who rewrote America's story. We were disobedient children, but the story sold to every kid in every school is that America is the scrappy underdog who tossed off the shackles of oppression and stuck it to the man, the British man. Who did that? History's written by the winners.
That's why when I tell people about this argument, I will have one. This wasn't an argument. I taught you something. That's just what the France said to the Indians. False. I tried to teach you something. Hey everyone! Guess you just made Dan look like a ****ing joke.
Temple Academy. The entire first year is safety. The second year is safety and maintenance. What is force class?
Use the force! By light of nothing, by dark of bright, the Jedi way. We look. We are. Protect. Jedi. Good. Yes. That... was nothing. Jedi Code.
No! Not the... |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_Arm_Wrestle_Me_Full_Episode | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Welcome to Breaking News, the only news program where we don't know what we're about to say. And we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Tom Hollandaise. And I'm Walter Hollandaise.
Tom is my idiot son. Our top story tonight, Tom went to Brown and then moved to be a newsman, which he could have done without all those student loans he got. You heard it here first, America. My father has no respect for the news business. I have plenty of respect for the news business.
I don't have respect for you. Shut up! You don't talk to me that way anymore.
I was in Afghanistan. Ooh, big man. Big man thinks he's hot even though he lives in a studio apartment. It's a loft! That's what we're living in these days. It's cool, dad.
You call me sir! I call my captain sir and no one else.
You arm wrestle me right now. Huh? You arm wrestle me right now! I'll break your wrist!
He's supposed to win. Alright, well you've really shown me that you're something here today. I respect you, son. And I respect you too, sir.
Please, sir is my father. Call me dad. Yes, sir. We go now to our weatherman, who is in fact my father. I call him sir. Hear that, everyone? My idiot son calls me by my first name.
My name is Sir Hollandaise, and I'm here to tell you about the wind. I'll be honest, I became a weatherman because my wife got pregnant. Anyway, I'm going to try to work out why wind exists right here in front of you. Maybe wind is caused by, and I know this sounds crazy, but maybe it's caused by windmills?
Whatever. I don't know. I don't owe anything to anybody. Eat my old man ass with the fold. Back to my dumb son and ugly grandson. Thanks, grandpa. This just in, neither my father or I love you. What? How dare you talk to my father that way?
He's flawed, but so is everyone else. He ruined you the way a porcupine ruins a pumpkin. You've all seen the adorable videos, and now you've ruined me. I'll show you ruined.
Arm wrestle me! Tell me you love me! I love you. I've always loved you.
Never learned how to show it from my father. Now with sports, we go to my sister, Lisa Hollandaise. Stunning lack of professionalism from the rest of my family on this broadcast. I apologize to you, the viewer, and vow to bring you the news from the world of sports with clarity and... I'm proud of you, Lisa, and I've always been.
Then why didn't you come to my soccer games? Because when I was a little boy, I saw a dead body in the fields by the soccer field. You missed all of the teams I was on.
First there was Columbus City Kickers, then the Felix Autoparts Columbus City Kickers, then Felix Autoparts Kickers, then the Kicker McKickerface Kickers, then the Arnold Palmer the Drink Not the Golfer Kickers, then the Cortana by Microsoft Kickers, then the Am I Allowed to Just Leave an Old Couch on the Street? I see it all the time, but I'm not sure what the actual rules are, Kickers. Then the George Bish did 9-11 Kickers, then the Bixby by Samsung Kickers, then the naked old lady who won't get dressed in the gym locker room Kickers, then the Why Does the Produce Constantly Suck at Trader Joe's Kickers, then the guys who were Eagle Scouts in high school are all kinds of unbearable now Kickers, and of course the Felix Autoparts Kickers. You said that one already! It was a different sponsor with the same name and that was just a coincidence.
I'm sorry, I was afraid of the dead body. I forgive you. That's it for us today, but before we go, today's loser was, uh, was me. For laughing too much. Thanks for watching!
That was really terrible. That was honestly one of the worst performances I've ever seen by a professional on camera. He was lost at the arm wrestling too. Really bad.
Come on! Breaking News! This just in, you have just watched another episode of Breaking News! There are 10 episodes only available on Dropout.tv. Go to Dropout.tv and start your free trial today! Please! |
dropout | hardly_working_skyrim | Hey Pat, what are you playing? I'm starting Skyrim. Oh, cool! How far are you? I'm at the character creation screen. Awesome. It's supposed to be really advanced in this game.
Yeah, I've heard. Oh yeah.
Nord. Nice. Tough manly. Cool. Okay. Guy or girl? Oh, let's go with Guy. Cool, let's play. Well, we can't because I just have to pick a height and weight and skin tone. Okay.
Let's slay some dragon gods. These monsters shall taste our steel.
Just as soon as we decide what color the dirt on our face is going to be. Oh, that's a nice one. That's like a burnt sienna. Yeah, I was definitely going to say in the sienna family.
So are we done? No, because we still have to pick elbow pointiness. What? His elbow pointiness.
How's this? I don't think it matters. Okay. Well, let's move on to... Well, actually, don't make it too dull. I mean, all things being equal. I don't know why I care. Okay. Can we just play?
Hey look, I want to get through these as fast as possible too, but how can we save Skyrim unless we know what our character's nostril diameter is? Medium? Good idea. That way our nostrils will be fast and strong. And the color? Like... Inside the nostrils, exactly.
I don't know. You pick. Thank you. Well, you know, in that case, I'll let you pick Adam's apple prominence and ankle depth. What the hell is ankle depth? Duh. It's like how wide his ankle sort of bends. It's very crucial.
Okay. How's that? Well, honestly, I would go... Great! What's next?
Taste and brunch. How could what our character prefers to eat between breakfast and lunch possibly affect his performance in a mythical quest against a Nordic dragon with an ability to consume the universe? It could be a really good brunch.
Look! There's not even options. It's just a slider. Ooh! Look at his eyebrow. That must be a really unique taste and brunch. You should definitely pick that one. Oh my god, Pat, this is so annoying. I just want to kill giant spiders with a sword gifted to me by the mayor. I mean, is there so much to ask? Of course not. Buckle up. We're going to power through this baby.
Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift? Miley Cyrus.
Likelihood of saying the phrase, Exqueeze me. Somewhat. Booyah! Let's do this. Let the adventures begin. Let's play the game. Hey! This Nord has pointy elbows. We're dead!
I deserve that. |
cracked | cracked_for_kids_if_educational_kids_shows_were_honest | Cracked for Kids Cracked for Kids Hi again, welcome back to Cracked for Kids Today we're going to read the letters you sent in asking about some cool jobs and get to meet the awesome people that do them Let's go to the mail room Alright Our first letter is from Amy who writes Dear Katie, my dad's a lawyer Should I be one too? Great question, Amy Lawyers are important people in our society They go into courtrooms and make sure that bad people go to jail I'm here with Liz Manigan, a real live lawyer from New York City Liz, I hear your job is to argue with people Is that fun? Well, I work in corporate law so I've never actually been inside of a courtroom Oh Well, what is it that you do then? Discovery work That sounds like fun What does that mean? Well, in a corporate case, the opposing side will give me literally billions of documents that I have to pour through looking for important acts So, it's sort of like a game? So it's sort of like paperwork, every day for 12 hours a day for years on end But, I mean, the pay is pretty good if you don't go to a bad school What schools are the bad schools?
Pretty much anyone you can get into Alright, let's move on to our next letter This letter is from Duncan He writes, I love playing video games Can I do that as a job? It might sound crazy, but yes, you can actually get paid to play video games And Tim Mazaros does it every single day It sounds awesome Well, we can't just play the games We have to look for bugs Like, tickle bugs? No, you're basically trying to find the least fun parts of the games And then you play those over and over So you do get to play the video games before they come out? Kind of, yeah There's just one mostly broken beat game that we've been playing all the time I think it's ruining my vision So what do you like about your job, Tim? Let's just move on Nora writes, should I be a mortician? Why are you guys, stop rolling the tape Can you stop rolling the tape?
This is awful Oh, this one isn't bad at all Shawn writes, I want to own an ice cream shop It's great, Shawn Small business owners are an important part of our community They help out their neighbors every day So, Earl, you own your own ice cream shop, is that right? It sure is, Catherine In fact, I've been feeding the good people a Dunbar ice cream for pretty near 40 years now Owning an ice cream shop must be great Yeah, yeah, it is great Except, well, the last few years with this economy No, Earl This ice cream is wonderful But, you know, they opened up that mega mall down there at the town center There's a cold stone in there Boy, when that happened, all the little shops on Main Street just started going out of business Now, the bank is telling me that they can't give me any more extensions on my mortgage Sometimes I just wish my dear sweet Betty God bless her soul, she was a smart woman Now, Betty didn't know what to do But life is hard, hey Yeah, Earl, life is hard Don't give me a rule book, you know Nobody tells you Make a bad decision Or you can end up going to hell with that Crack the kids Not sure how to get out of it, either Hey, I hear that Dan O'Brien's been doing impressions of us And they're kind of mean and funny So, I'm going to do my own of him Hey, I'm Dan O'Brien And I'm a very talented writer for TheCracked.com And I'm a very dear friend to people that I work with And maybe sometimes I hurt their feelings with You know, subscribe Dan! |
dropout | mating_isn_t_like_dating | Hi there, it's me, Jake Young, back again on What the Facts, our extended look into the topics covered on WTF 101. This time around, we're looking at the horrifying nightmarish world of sex in the animal kingdom, where love and war can sometimes be the same thing. Luckily, we have an expert on hand on the line to help us gain a better understanding.
He's a research scientist and an evolutionary biologist, Meno Skilhausen. Hey, Meno. Hi, why don't you tell us about yourself? So I study evolution and I work in a place called Naturalis Biodiversity Center, which is the Natural History Museum, the national natural history museum here in the Netherlands. OK, because from the name, it sounds like I'm just going to say a mad scientist laboratory where they're trying to put shark DNA into the perfect super soldier.
No, not last time I checked, no. So you saw the episode and, Meno, can we talk about the anti-kindness? Can we please talk about the anti-kindness?
I'm a mammal. We're mammals. We're fuzzy. We're advanced. We're like all the way up on the evolutionary chain. I thought we were supposed to be above this kind of like berserker rage once in a lifetime mating frenzy. Like we're not salmon. How how common is this among our fuzzy friends? Well, it doesn't really have to do much with fuzziness.
It's more got to do with with the kind of environment that this animal lives in. You know, there's a lot of competition between males for females. So all these all these males are just using their last energy to reproduce. And if they're able to do that, then that success, that evolutionary success, they got a lot of offspring and those those offspring carry their genes.
I mean, you kind of describe the dating scene in New York and I have never. I mean, OK, a couple of times I might have, like, lost a limb to get in green, but it's not like that desperate.
Things that have to do with sex are the things that evolve the fastest. For example, in, you know, in in crane flies, there is a species that has a vibrator on its penis. You know, completely ridiculous. They have a little little thing on their penis, which with like a little comb and they scratch over it and it produces tone like the middle C on a piano keyboard and they make that tone while they're mating. So the color or the tone of these males that doesn't really serve any any function is no use to the females, except for the fact that it's it's sexy. It's being noticed because it's sexy.
They these males get more offspring and that's inherited. And that's how evolution works. So when I have children of my own and they gain my ability to just really kill a Bruce Springsteen song and karaoke night, I've passed on my fitness to them. Is that what you're saying? If it is not something that you learn, but if it's something that has something to do with your with your genes, then it can be passed on to your offspring and they can have the benefit or the disadvantage of whatever it is. The secret is no irony.
You got to commit to Thunder Road if you want to get the deal done. So obviously, I had to look up your resume and you have a lot of experience with gastropods, which is a whole world of weird sexual activity that we did not address on the show. So what are they what's like what are part of their arsenals?
Well, first of all, you got to realize that snails are hermaphrodite. Many land snails are hermaphrodite, so their males are female and male at the same time. So whichever snail they meet, it's always a potential mate. And then one of the things that snails, many, many land snails do is they have these so-called love darts, and these are calcium spikes that they stick into each other while they're mating.
So if you're a good dart shooter, you shoot it in the right way, you fill it with a lot of hormone, then you're a successful father. A topic that we covered on the show was bedbugs. Honest to God, it's a battlefield, the horrifying way that that happens. Are there are there ways that females can adapt and kind of develop their own set of weaponry? I mean, not to not to get all hashtag whoa, but it seems like a lot of male driven violence in the natural world. Yeah, but there's also it really works both ways. So often you see that there's sort of evolution arms race going on that that everything that on the male side evolves, there's some sort of countermeasure on the female side. So with bedbugs, for example, you see that the females often evolve, you know, a completely new set of genitals in the place where the male normally pierces its penis. So so they sort of have these these new basically a new vagina that that receives this stiletto like penis and again, can then control what happens to the sperm that they inject. Just just to help me help me help me clarify, like, how does that give them the advantage? Well, because what what the male, of course, is is trying to do is to bypass the female's ability to decide what happens to his his sperm. Normally, you know, when they in many other insects, they the female receives the sperm and then puts it in a special pocket and then she can decide whether she wants to get rid of it or use it to fertilize her eggs. And if so, which eggs and how many besides bedbugs and besides snails, are there any other like exceptional mechanisms at work in the natural kingdom that you can think of? Well, there's also it's not just a battlefield.
There's also a lot of very sweet copulation going on an insect. For example, in many beetles, you have the males have these two little little drumsticks or little brushes on either side of their penis. And they use that to stroke or to drum on the on the abdomen, on the backside of the female during mating. And that's really a kind of a courtship during during copulation. So the males that are able to to to drum in the most pleasurable way are the ones that that have the highest chance of having their sperm absorbed and received by the female. Oh, that's good for beetles.
But when I tried the drum solo from the Hawaii Five-O theme, I'm the asshole.
Yeah, well, there's that too. So what got you kind of fascinated by the kind of I'll say the less cuddly aspects of the animal kingdom? As I mentioned before, these these organs that have to do with sex, they fall faster. So that means that there's also bigger differences between species that are very closely related and you can actually use them to identify the species with. And then, you know, when I figured that out, I started to get interested in the question of why are they so different? And how does that evolution work? And other changes, I would take more. Yeah, for example, I mean, if you if you take any any random family of monkeys, I mean, a different species of monkeys, you usually can see differences in the shape of the penis.
But the kidneys there, they all look, you know, kidney shape. They're all the same.
It gets the most immediate results if the goal is procreation. Exactly. It's very close to two. I mean, it sits very close to actual reproduction. So if anything you change in the genitals will affect how many offspring you get. If I got the genetic lottery and have a super kidney, I'm like, you won't even believe the amount of liquid waste I can process. Meanwhile, if I have dick 2.0, that's going to immediately pay off. Yeah, there's no maybe. That's for sure. I swear to God, if high school biology was this Frank and this honest, I would have done way better in high school.
Meno, how can we follow your work online? Are there different projects you want to tell us about? Like, you know, please plug away. Well, you can follow me on Twitter at at Skilledhausen. Or you could order and read my book, Nature's Nether Regions.
Meno, thank you so much. I appreciate your expertise. And it is amazing thanks to technology that we got to have this conversation. My pleasure. Thank you very much.
Well, I don't think any of us need to hear the word genitals again in our entire lives. Thanks for checking us out on What the Facts and tune in next time on Dropout.TV. |
SaturdayNightLive | hooters_waitress_snl | Okay, let's see what I made in tips today. 40, 41, 42 bucks, not bad. Damn, I made 39, so close. Well, it looks like I'm the tip queen tonight. How about you, new girl? Oh, let me see. yeah, how much tips did you make? Uh, 31, 32, uh, 36,000 dollars.
Jesus. what? is that low? I wouldn't say low. yeah, that's pretty good, Tina. Awesome.
Well, another bad day for Dennis. all I got in tips was 12 cents and this note that said, you ruined my day. Well, that's the job, you know? it's up and it's down sometimes. Yeah, Table Six stiffed me. yeah, that's gonna happen. I'm so sorry. I had to run to the bank.
Here's your tip, new girl. Damn, Fifa. Okay, that is insane. I served that guy last week. when I brought the check, he patted his pockets and said, sorry, I just got laid off. yeah, well, when I served him, he said, are there any ladies who worked here? Okay, guys, Razz the new girl, But honestly, I think it's just about great service. watch. I'm gonna go deal with Table Eight. Hi, boys. who wants a refill? us, us, we do. coming right up. Oh, my gosh. I am such a klutz. I am so sorry. it's okay. anything you do is okay. Oh, it looks like there's a little beer left in the pitcher. who wants some? you? ah, what the heck, sure. Okay. oh, awesome. the next part is, I've been sober for 22 years, and that's over now. hey, uh, can we buy you a car or something? you guys are hilarious. See? was that so hard? Okay, you spilled all over them and made one guy relapse. they just like you. Watch. Hey, guys, I just wanted to offer you a free round. I'm gonna stop you right there.
I don't wanna see you. I don't wanna know you.
I want other girls. and I'll take that. Great. So, yeah, it was a little different for me. yeah, exactly. Watch this.
Hello, my guy. no! see? no offense, you know, but you're making us feel bad and you're taking all our tips. Yeah, maybe Hooters isn't the right place for you. Oh. you know, I always thought that this place was the one place I'd feel at home.
I've tried to work at other jobs, and I can't. I worked at an airport, no planes took off. I was a crossing guard, thousands died.
But if you don't think I belong at Hooters, I'll go. Wait! Oh, my God, Hooters mascot, Hooter V. Owl? that's me, and I came to say you can't leave. you are my Harry Potter, and this is your Hogwarts. So please stay. if you really want me to, Okay. thank you!
And what about us? I don't care.
Now! I must go. I have a funeral to attend. my friend Flocko flew into a building.
I'm very sad. So if someone could show me their breasts.
I'll do it! I'll just leave. Goodbye, Hooter V. Owl! |
cracked | 6_insane_foreign_remakes_of_famous_american_blockbusters | Hello, the internet, and welcome to The Spit Take. I'm Jack O'Brien, I'm the editor-in-chief of Cracked, and you know when great American directors see a perfect foreign-language film and are filled with the urge to spend millions of dollars destroying everything that's beautiful about it? Well, it turns out that's actually a two-way street, but with the other countries devoting significantly less money to recreating Hollywood's greatest movies as mentally ill people would experience them. For instance, Bollywood remade Silence of the Lambs, but added a scene in which Hannibal Lecter seduces Clarice Starling inside a hallucination of a juicy fruit egg. Oh, also, meet the Indian Buffalo Bill. What you're seeing is the opening scene from Bath Man from the Planet Eros, a 1982 Italian porno which literally begins with a mustachio dark night joyriding a bicycle through the daylight on a dairy farm. This was consumed on video, so it may not brag about it, but when they were younger, your parents had to fast-forward past 70 seconds of Batman walking his bike uphill before just going to town on their boners. Don't worry, Batman villains eventually show up, dressed as a costume party where nobody gave a shit. The movie doesn't add much to the Batman mythos beyond a canonically dubious scene where Commissioner Gordon's wife gets fresh with a gherkin.
Objectively speaking, the top five Jawses are Jaws the Movie, Jaws the Ride, Jaws the Henchman, the Jaws of Life, and the 1975 Japanese comic book. Against all odds, the Japanese Jaws comic was not about a horny octopus on the prow for lonely Massachusetts' housewives, and was full of unflinchingly raw cartoon shark violence that made Spielberg's Jaws look like Atonk, the name of the Bollywood Jaws from 1996 in which the shark screams the whole movie. Bollywood Jaws features the greatest shark-harpoon helicopter crash murder trifecta ever and culminates with the scene from Free Willy if the kid had pulled the most upsetting double-cross ever halfway through Willy's jump. And that's not even the Jaws we're talking about, because the list of the five worst Jawses goes Jaws 3, Jaws N64, Jaws 4 The Revenge, Atonk, which we just watched, followed by Jaws 5 aka Cruel Jaws, a no-budget 1995 Italian film about an exhausted shark who's abandoned all animal instinct and simply decided to be a dick. You'd think such a film would lack the balls to lift footage directly from Steven Spielberg's film, because you underestimate how passive-aggressive and impressively meta the Gods of Jaws can be to their fans. They even managed to recreate Chief Brody's classic smile-you-son-of-a-bitch sequence, albeit with a screaming woman inexplicably pouring gasoline on her head. In fact, the film's only saving grace is its hero, Marine Park Hulk Hogan.
In the 70s and 80s, enterprising Turkish filmmakers attempted to clone blockbuster classics like Rambo, Superman, The Wizard of Oz, Jaws, The Exorcist, Star Trek, Rocky. There was even a lima bean-shaped garbage monster version of E.T., who replaced E.T.'s glowing heart with panicked farting. But of all the Turkish mockbusters, perhaps the most willing to take creative liberties was 1973's Three Giant Men, which saw Turkish Captain America and a Mexican wrestler for some reason team up against the nefarious Istanbul gangster, Spider-Man. That's right, Spider-Man is the bad guy. His only superpower is to resurrect himself from the dead again and again, because spiders in Turkey are apparently biologically immortal. Turkish Spider-Man is an unkempt eyebrow spent most of Three Giant Men committing murder with guinea pigs, boat propellers, telephone cords, hat pins, P.S. if you're friends with idiots, show them some scenes from Three Giant Men and breathlessly claim it's leaked footage from Captain America Civil War.
Insist that they'll clean it up in post. Then get new friends, who are more on your level intellectually?
In the 1978 sci-fi flick The Boys from Brazil, Sir Laurence Olivier plays an aging Nazi hunter who uncovers a secret plot to clone Hitler 94 times, presumably to breed the world's first all-Hitler marching band. But as crazy as that plot sounds, it doesn't hold a candle to Hitler. That's Hitler with an A. A 1980 Pakistani film that seems to owe at least some creative debt to The Boys from Brazil? Hitler tells the story of Adolf Hitler's secret half-Pakistani son, who the dictator sired after escaping to Pakistan once Germany dropped the atomic bombs on Japan. In the middle of the film, Hitler recruits an army of angry bears to vanquish the hero. Why bears? Because Hitler has his own disco theme.
Am I having a stroke? Have you ever wondered what would happen if E.T. traveled across the solar system with the express goal of going to town on the cast of Downton Abbey? That's the plot of the 1996 German straight-to-VHS remake of E.T., in which a woman wearing a half-rodding, crouchless E.T. costume made of wolf leather wanders around a Victorian manor. Following people dressed like the original cast of Hello Dolly as they pleasure each other like a trail of giant, horny Reese's Pieces. Make no mistake, this is an adult film, so we can't show you 99% of the footage, including the myriad scenes where E.T. canoodles with some gentleman who apparently stole Laurel and Hardy's wardrobe. In fact, this five-second clip of E.T. staring dead-eyed into the middle distance is one of the few scenes without paper mache alien breasts or an Archduke's dong spring into the shot. So is German E.T. the most grotesque, aesthetic vision ever produced by human society?
Probably, but I think I know how we can make this just way worse. Hey guys, thanks for watching the video. Please go down to the comments and give me more crazy-ass scenes from the history of bootleg cinema. I will be watching you and judging, as will all of your peers. |
SaturdayNightLive | surprise_party_discoveries_saturday_night_live | Hello? I'm sorry. no, I'm walking out the door. I'll be there in five minutes. Ok, bye. are you sure he's gone? Yeah, yeah, the place is empty. and Trisha's going to keep him occupied for like a half hour. Hey, what do you want us to do with these? Ok, I'm going to do the decorations. you do the snacks or something. I'll handle the booze. Ok. oh, man, I can't wait to see the look on his face. are you sure he wasn't suspicious? are you kidding? If he thought he was coming home to a surprise party, would he leave a Laura Branigan Cd lying around? All right, I'm going to go check and see if there are any extra chairs, Ok?
All right. hey, check it out. Pete has all these inspirational sayings taped to his refrigerator. you can do it, Pete. believe in yourself, Pete. you have the power to make all your dreams come true, Pete. What a weirdo. Look what I found hanging over Pete's bed. Oh, man, that is pathetic. How come we never saw that before? I guess he hides it when people come over. Yeah, well, he didn't hide his head lice medication. man, I better book this back in the medicine cabinet. Hey, guys, look at this.
Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Player's Handbook. Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Master Guide.
Living with impotence. Oh, jeez, guess who doesn't believe in flushing the toilet? Oh, Bruce, you use the bathroom without flushing? Try several weeks without flushing. Oh, I'm going to puke. Use the sink.
Hey, look at this letter. Dear Mr. Urkel, I've been a loyal viewer of your show for several years. And I must say that if laughter is the best medicine, you, sir, are Chief of Surgery. Hey, guys, check out these tapes.
Charles In Charge, August 8th. Charles In Charge, August 15th. Charles In Charge, August 22nd. living with impotence.
Hey, guys, let's just get out of here. you know, pretend we never came. No, no, come on. it's cool. a doctor answers your questions about Pus. he's right. let's go. I guess he'll decorate it. uh-oh, uh-oh. my diary. No, no, Scott, please no, don't. Dear diary, wrote another letter to Steve Urkel today. don't have the courage to mail it. Why is it so hard to tell Urkel how I feel? P.s. woke up in a pool of Pus this morning. what else is new? Hey, Jenny. oh, my god, that's. surprise. surprise. what are you guys doing? we thought you were going to meet Tricia. yeah, I was, but I came back.
I forgot my wallet. uh-oh. oh, hey, salsa, damn it, salsa. Oh. can we forget that? That's right. let's go. you got your salsa. let's go. Hey, salsa. Bob, don't go, man. come on, man.
I can explain her. See, I've been going to the New School, and this is like a science project. Listen, we read the letter to Urkel, man. we read the letter to Urkel. you're not a science project to me. you're my bestest girl. |
TheOnion | Survivors_Of_Gas_Station_Explosion_Mourn_Tragic_Loss_Of_Gas | Joining news out of White Plains, New York today, a deadly explosion at a crowded gas station has destroyed at least 800 gallons of gasoline. Investigators believe a spark from a minivan's muffler ignited a pool of gasoline, setting off the chain reaction that detonated the station's underground gas tanks. For more on this tragic loss of gasoline, we go now to Brett Altman, who's at the scene of today's explosion.
Thanks, Pamela.
The people of this community are in shock, wondering how this senseless tragedy could have happened, how so much gas could have been taken from them. Moments ago, I spoke with Mark Jordan, who witnessed the horrific scene. I saw the explosion, I thought, oh my god, there's so much gas in there, they're going to lose it all. I couldn't watch, I couldn't see all that gas go up like that. Other witnesses told me that the fire spread extremely fast, engulfing nearby gas pumps, canisters, and cars, which had sadly just been filled. Firefighters arrived within minutes, but there was little hope left for the gas. This is one of the toughest parts about being a firefighter, when you lose this much gasoline, it just really hits home. But the tragedy could have been much worse if not for the quick thinking of gas station attendant Robert Earl, who rescued two free-standing tanks from the flames. The van of kids went up in flames, and then the next second I know all the gas is on fire. I didn't have time to think, I just knew I had to save that gas.
Tragedy members have already started this makeshift memorial to the gas that was lost. More photos and flowers are sure to be added once the scope of the tragedy becomes clear. Such a tragic loss of precious gasoline. Brett, let me ask you this, is there any hope that some of the gas may still be recovered? It doesn't look good Pamela, right now rescuers are doing their best to wring drops of gas from any clothing or bits of flesh they can find, but so far they've only recovered 60 ounces of regular, and just 4 ounces of super plus unleaded. So sad when you consider all the things that gas could have fueled.
Absolutely, a bus or a lawn mower.
A number of people I talked to earlier said they plan to go home tonight, hug their cars and tell their gas tanks that they love them. How are the residents of White Plains coping with this tragedy? Well, they're finding comfort in each other as well as faith. I spoke with someone who said that we shouldn't be sad because that gas is in heaven now, fueling the cars of the angels. Well, it's a hard day for all of us.
Thank you Brett for that report. Thanks Pamela.
Coming up, is our failing public education system failing? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Lane_Pittman | Quite a fitting ode really. Yeah it is, yeah. This was his semi-final you could argue. Two similar moments last Wednesday I noticed, everyone's saying we need to take this seriously, capitalise on the rise of women's soccer in Australia. We need to take this seriously. At the same time we're saying the same thing about country music, basically across the same amount of time, you know, we've got this Lukooms tour in Australia and it's basically running concurrently with, you know, the finals and it's exactly that. Country music's having a moment as well, a similar moment that you could draw a parallel to and we need to champion this moment and to take advantage of it and capitalise on it.
And one person who is doing that and is helping us do that is today's guest who opened down there at Kudos Bank Arena, Lane Pitton, thank you for joining us. No thanks for having me boys, how are you?
Good thanks mate, thank you for letting me kind of ramble a little bit better with that intro but I'm seeing, you know, a renaissance in country music, much like what we're seeing with our Tilly's. Yeah, yeah, country music especially over the last two or three years has been massive and recently with Luke's cover of Fast Car, that's been on all the mainstream radio. I'm just cruising down the street and I'll turn on Kiss and hear a country song and I'm like, well that wouldn't have happened six months ago. Yeah it wouldn't have, but that said, you've covered Yusuf Islam yourself mate, Cat Stevens. Yeah, yeah.
Not too far off in fact, those kind of eras of music. What did you grow up on? Oh, it was a bit of everything but it was mostly 90s and even your earlier countries like Brooks and Dunn, Helen Jackson, Hillbilly Deluxe, oh what an album. And you get guys like George Strait, Randy Travis, Garth Brooks, like there was such a diverse range of country.
Now you Tamworth Boy or is this, like what I want to figure out now, is Tamworth the Australian version, I know it's Australia's Nashville, but is it Australia's Nashville in the sense that people move from different parts of the world and move there and say they're from there? Like Nashville's full of country musicians but you know, you could argue Luke Coombes is from Nashville, that's where he lives but he's North Carolina. Are you an actual Tamworth Boy? I was not born there, no. No, right, yeah. I was born in Mount Isa. Oh right, well you're further west than Tamworth, I'm not saying that, you're more country and western than Tamworth then mate. Born there and we moved in 2010 so 13 years this year and it's pretty much home. You grew up there really. You grew up between Mount Isa and Tamworth, I wasn't trying to catch you out there that you grew up in Bondi Beach. He's got his country stripes.
Big time, we were just up there at the rodeo. Yeah, it looked like a good time, I was bummed out, we were at the entertainment centre with Luke.
Yeah, of course. Good to get up. Now, tell me, I met your old pop outside, was there a bit of Slim Dusty getting played around the house when you were younger? Oh yes, yeah, love a bit of Slim. He still tries to convince me every now and then, like we're working at Setlist, he's like, you should throw like some old stuff in there and I'm like, if it worked that way these days I would, like don't get me wrong, you could play it like Duncan and Kudos Bank Arena would go off, but it's like, you've just got to find your own balance I guess. For sure, find your own sound. Tell me, I want to hear about the rise of Lane, it's been a fast one, how old are you now? 17. Ah geez. He's got a long way, he's got a long career ahead of him if he's already playing Kudos Bank Arena. Tell us how you got to where you are, mate.
Oh, I'll cast my minds back to like nine years ago, I don't know what you boys were doing, but I was in year three, I was in year three and we had a brand new teacher start at school and she's like, everybody in my class is joining the choir, I'm starting a choir. I went home and I told mum and dad and I got a funny look from them, they're like, shit, we thought you'd do a sport or something, you know? But stuck with the singing and by the end of primary school I was the only boy left and kind of from the start of high school I decided that music was going to be the path for me. Yeah, right. And the voice, obviously springboarded it, how did that process come about? Was it like the parents saying you got to do it, the people at school saying you got to do it? It was all my mates, full credit to the boys for this one, we were sitting in like geography class and they're like, Lane, sign up for the voice, I'm like, oh, I don't know, and they're like, no, we won't rip on you, we actually like your voice now, it sounds pretty good, they're like, don't dog us, come tomorrow and show us that you filled out the paperwork. So I went home and I started filling it out that day at school and went home and obviously being underage, they're like, we need a parent signature. So I go home and mum's in the Landrum, I said, oh, mum, can you just fill out this form for me? She's like, oh, what is it? Some school like excursion or something, no, I just applied for the voice.
She's like, oh, okay. That's a great example of peer pressure, isn't it? Yeah, so it was a positive example.
Because that's a classic sledge, people always go, oh, mate, you should go on Australian Idol or you should go on the voice when you've got an ugly shit voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The boys are going, you've actually got a really good voice, go and do it. They were serious when they said it. Now one thing I'm interested in, in learning that you were actually born after 9-11 is I want to know, when you listen to your music, Lane, it could be a 30 something year old, it could be someone as old as Luke Coombs, it could be someone as old as Tim McGraw singing it. So were you singing like that when you were in high school? Were you singing, like your voice had broken, you were singing country songs like that? Yeah, yeah. A lot of the country stuff like that. It was probably like in between year 7 and 8 when puberty really hit hard and I learnt how to play the guitar those holidays and I went back to school and everyone's like, holy, Lane can actually sing now, he doesn't sound like a 12 year old girl anymore. Yeah, yeah, he doesn't sound like the choir boy that we remember, yeah. You would have been 16 when the Luke Coombs tour was announced. So right now we're in a moment right now, this is all within, this is the first year of your career, would you say, like that, yeah. And you played Luke Coombs for your Blind Edition song on The Voice, right? Yeah.
How surreal is it, opening up for him at a packed out Kudos Bank Arena? Yeah, it's all full circle, I mean last time he was here in 2019 he played the Enmore here in Sydney and I was on some random bloke shoulders, he's like, get on my shoulders for my favourite song and Luke pointed at me like at the end of the, I think it was like Hurricane was playing and he pointed at me and I walked out that night and I was like, yeah, my life's made, Coombs pointed at me and now it's kind of been here and meeting Luke and his band. Did you get to tell them that yarn? I have not, mum's got the video, she's trying to convince me to show it to him but I don't want to look too fanboy because he's like me, I didn't have my mother, I had like a buzz cut and I'm like, oh, that's kind of embarrassing. Were you more nervous going out on stage to play or meeting Luke? I think it was meeting Luke, we met by chance walking through the, I was walking out of my dressing room at the entertainment centre, he was walking out of his and I saw him and I was like, oh yeah, they got you next to each other there.
Oh yeah, that was a little, like we're all in the same little close quarters. So there was you and Cody? Yeah. Texan man. Yes. It was a good little cross section of music there on stage, you all touring together? Yeah, yeah.
You go on every show? Yeah, we do every show, me and Cody, really good. Yeah, I met Cody last night in passing and I said to him, I was actually just saying, you look like you're off to a rodeo.
Yeah. He goes, I've just been at one. Yeah. The yarn was, he was up in Singleton and won the horse rope toss. Yeah. Up in the Hunter. So like that's real credibility too. Like it's one thing, Scott's pulling up. Earning a bit of pocket money for the tool. A bit of extra change. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, it's one thing to like, you know, kind of enter a rodeo and then to win it, like while you're on tour from Texas, it was the real deal. Yeah.
What are those guys like? Are they country people? Are they similar?
Oh yeah. They're really down to earth. Which is so good. Like I've become good friends with Cody's drummer Miles. He is such a ripper drummer. Yeah, right. And like every night we'll hang out. Same with Luke's band.
They're all just a bunch of lads. Yeah, they're all, he was introducing them all. So they're like Mississippi and then he's got them down on the border from Mexico and they're all from different parts, country town guys, right?
It does seem like it has a really feel good element to it. Everyone seems to get on and there's a good vibe around it. What is it like being a part of that kind of team and traveling around with those boys? Is it just a lot of fun? It is. It's a hell of a lot of fun.
And even like everybody in the crew, they're just like their whole crew, Luke's crew, Cody's crew, every night, like they'll pick up on little tidbits from the show. Like this is our first time doing big arenas like this and they're like, oh, you can try that tonight and see how it goes. And we try it and the crowd eating up and I'm like, okay, well, that's going to stay for the rest of the set and you will try something and it won't kind of hit the right way. It's a learning experience. It must be a tough kind of performance because you kind of got to go through all of the different emotional layers. You've got to go through, you know, like look at your set, all three of you last night, you've got your sad song, you've got your love song and then you've got your party songs and you've got to be on that level for every song because the crowd wants to be there.
Yeah. Is it exhausting stuff? Oh, it is. And I mean, you would have seen the show. I do my sprint around at the end of the set. That is a cardio work. Yeah, it is. It is a good, solid run.
I'll come off stage and I'm sweating and I'm like, oh, yeah, I think I think a lot of people would be surprised by how much that goes into it. And then you look at Luke, I mean, you're too young, of course. But then Luke, you know, he's chugging beers on stage and he's doing all that for the bam, bam, bam. And Mitchell asked, yeah, I walked past bam, bam in the hall that I was sitting there with my bass player and I was like, that's bam, bam.
Do we laugh? Did you say g'day?
Oh, that one, I was a bit too nervous for that. I was like, I could say hey wrong and he could just put me in a sleep a whole love and a half year without that one.
I saw that when, you know, that was classic Luke Coombs gets Tui Vasa and Latrell Mitchell up on stage. Both blokes, by the way, who shouldn't be getting on the piss. One's about to have a UFC fight in September and the other's about to enter NRL finals. I would bet my bottom dollar that South Sydney is are on a boost, man.
I saw that and I was like, ah. But Luke called you on stage, what are you going to do? He didn't really scull it either. It looks like he had a mouthful. I saw the clip, yeah, Latrell, like three quarters of the beer goes down his shirt. It looked like a responsible show. Are you surprised by the fan bases? You know what I mean?
Like, who's been the craziest? Last night was pretty crazy. It was our biggest crowd that we've played to.
I'm Auckland too. Right, yeah, that's a surprise to me. I'd never left the country, I didn't know what it was going to be like. I'd heard country was big over there, if you have artists like Caley Bell.
We went there and from the minute I walked on stage they were at 100 already. And it just kept going the whole night. I think people that were seating and up in the nosebleeds, they were standing from Luke's first song to his last song singing every single word.
They don't take it for granted in New Zealand. They're always stoked to get artists over there. I feel like. The stars will come out for us.
Was it just Auckland you did in New Zealand? Yeah, we just did Auckland. But those people come from the South Island. I found out. They just say that Auckland is the only part of the North Island.
So it's very North vs South. It's like a state of origin kind of rivalry. The South Islanders get very heated about the North. Oh yeah, and the South Islanders are like the Queenslanders of the North. The Queenslanders of New Zealand.
I had met a bunch of them out in front of the restaurant around Auckland. I was actually out in front of the casino.
And these kids were wearing their moleskin trousers, and William's boots and striped button ups.
I said, what are you Queenslanders doing here? What are you talking about?
Because they're all sheep farmers. They're all the same kind of. They all love their country music. And they've got one all black that they brag about from each home town.
But Auckland would have surprised me as a big country music hub just to fill a venue. Were the Queenslanders going rowdy?
You had two nights up there. We did two nights up there.
They were good. I think I'm a bit biased. I will say New South Wales was better. But yeah, Friday night, it felt good. But something about Saturday night, maybe it was just the crowd was a bit more rowdy. Yeah, a bit looser.
And then what was the you guys had to play the penalty shootout? Yeah, on the stage before Luke walked out, they played the final penalty. It was like the final penalty kick and it went nuts.
I was out doing a sign and as it was happening, the whole forecourt of the Entertainment Centre rocks. And I'm like, what's going on? And they're like, the Matildas won. And then the whole line and me included.
Sounds like a good vibe up there. I want to know with your history of performing. It doesn't matter where you've come from. I think Kudos Bank Arena is going to the fire, you know. So what was the biggest stage you'd played on before? We did CMC at March, played the campers bar at CMC and that was hot, sweaty and very, very rowdy.
Yeah, yeah, of course. Big piss up. Doesn't get much more rowdy than that. Oh, CMC.
And those guys have been the ones that have been they managed to pull off a CMC in COVID, I think. They're real troopers. They've been keeping it up for years.
But is that, what are you thinking? Like, you know, your Kudos gig would have been. 20? It was 18,000? Yeah, would have been bigger than bigger than most artists have played in this country. Like, 90%.
I mean, like, just over a year ago, I was sitting in the corner of pubs back in Tamworth. Like the people that were paying attention to me was just my mum and nothing was happening to the gig. Well, you've done well, Lane. How is playing in pubs as a young underage man? It's interesting because people don't know how old I am, so in my breaks I come up, you want a beer?
No, sorry. I do want one. I would love one.
If I was 18, I would say yes. Yeah, I've got to do the right thing by this publican who's allowed me in the front part. Have you still got the boys coming to concerts or is it kind of, you've blown up so much now and they're like, oh, we'll catch you in a couple of years time. All my mates like, they'd love to. I've slowly started converting them to country music, but we're all in year 12, so they're actually doing what I should be doing and focusing on the HSC. That'd be just around the corner, really, wouldn't it?
Yeah, it's like a month and a half like I skipped the trials. My manager had like, normally like on a sick day, you're like, Lane was away because blah, blah, blah. My note said, Lane cannot do the trials.
He's on a national tour with Luke Combs.
He was like, surely 18,000 at Curtis Bank, that's got to be worth a few bonus points, right? We'll get 10, 15 on the ATAR for that. Yeah, surely give me some bonus ATAR points.
But it's it's a funny one, isn't it? Like, of course, this is only going to happen at this moment. You know, you've got to make the call. Am I doing my HSC or am I going on tour? It's like one of those ones where, you know, and it happens to athletes at this age too. Do you want to get a trade or do you want to come to the rabbit eyes? You know what I mean? So you're very much, you're going straight into first grade, mate. That's what's happening with you. I'm up in the big leagues now. Yeah, yeah.
What's the plans for the rest of the year after you've obviously finished your education? Yeah, education. Stay in school.
I will preface that as a good place. We've got a lot of new music coming out. We released the new single last Wednesday, which is great. We launched that at the start of the tour in Auckland and a couple of new songs out by the end of the year too.
And then obviously gearing up for a big January in Tamworth and just getting on the road. Me and the boys, we're going to hit the road. Yeah. Au Revoir Tamworth. So these are your mates?
This is my band. How old are these boys? They're like, our youngest band member Kurt's like 25, 26 and my guitarist Kimbo, he's in his 40s, but he still gets rowdy with us, which is good. But it's also, it's probably a bit better that your band's staggered like that and it's not five 18 year olds hitting the road. If the band was all my age, there would be not a lot of responsibility going on back there.
There'd be some low energy concerts around the place, I imagine. Yeah, you've got a few veterans to rid you up, spice you up. Well, I'm excited to see what's to come from you, mate. But yeah, you know, if you were able to pull off last night, I don't think there's much that'll spook you. Yeah, I mean, I was pretty walking out behind the curtain last night.
I was like, oh, but it was cool. We had a camera crew with us filming, filming stuff. So I was like, right, I've got to go out there and I've got to perform and I've got to do my job. So I didn't have a second to get nervous because I had my cameraman follow me up on the stage. I was like, I can't look nervous. I have to look cool for the video.
That's an interesting strategy. Yeah, just boil it up. But then once you start singing, it kind of releases it all.
Yeah, I mean, me and the boys, we've rehearsed this set. We're not like the back of our hands now. So as soon as my drummer hits his first beat, I'm like, cool, I know what's happening and I know where I've got to be. It's good having a wireless mic too. I just walk around and be a bit of an idiot on stage.
Good. I saw that. That was good.
It's almost like you're giving a sermon. You're running back and forth. Wireless mic on your head? They're like my ears. They're just so that I can hear what's going on because that crowd, they were loud last night too.
Do you often pick up the guitar? Every now and then. I'm slowly getting to the stage now where I can use these wireless mics. There's something, there's a thriller just performing to people and not having to worry about playing a guitar and being able to walk and stuff. I'm starting to delve into that a bit more which is good.
Well yeah, as I said mate, you've had the baptism of fire on the tour you've been on. That says it all that these blokes picked you, that they saw you. Was it on social media? Yeah, I think yeah, and when we auditioned for The Voice Channel 7 didn't have the rights for the good loop tune so they had to send it off to Luke's manager Cappy and I got the approval and they were looking for a tour opener and my name got thrown into the ring and it all kind of worked out.
There we go. Well mate, all the best for you heading into 2024 when you finally become old enough to vote and take part in civilised society. Just a quick question to round it out. What subjects have you got in the HSE? Music obviously. That performance piece might be too hard for you. I'm bringing the boys in for that. It's like two weeks after we get back. I said boys, come play in my HSE. Don't dog me. Get me a band 6. I'm doing SLR. Love that. It's just PE prac.
We've done like darts was one of our assessments this year. Awesome. I'm fully prepped for the pubs next year. Matt Marks on darts.
Investigating science. It's like easy science. Chemistry. Thank you. Playing with the Bunsen burner and that. We had to do this experiment. It was just like play with Hot Wheels for a lesson. I was like yeah, this is my kind of science.
Beautiful. I do standard maths and standard English. Beautiful. Lovely.
That's a well-rounded education and plus you're learning a lot on tour with a lot of large Southern American gentlemen. I learn what to do and I learn what not to do. Pick up the street smarts there as well I reckon.
We're excited for your line. Thank you for coming in and having a chat with us. Thanks for having me boys. |
dropout | hardly_working_overgrown_guy_girlfriend_2 | It's the overgrown guy girlfriend. Oh, look like a whale.
No ice cream.
I Ate it all cuz it was mine. Well, I bought it. Yeah, you bought it for me Why are you being so cheap and Jewey about this?
I really don't like it when you talk like that. What? Call you cheap? Yes, and make fun of my religion. What religion? Ice creams are religion now and you call me fat Hey, oh you didn't shave Really?
Well, you know the rule no blow jobs Please just not do that. Well, I'm really bored. Okay. Well, I have 45 more minutes of work So you think you can out bother me for 45 minutes in a row?
Oh, he's gonna be cool in front of your friends now Okay, hey everyone. He's the funniest guy in the world. He's the funniest person All right, just give me five.
How about that? I'll finish it in five minutes. No, you go. Okay Five four three two one. Come on Cold Stone is going to close.
Oh, come on Okay, Kevin's gonna come stay with us. I think He's not he is. Oh You can just have your friends over whenever and I have to what go to court or something and win a right to have my friend Come over. He's my best friend. It's my apartment though, right? Yeah, and my friend's gonna stay there. Shut up Argument over hey.
Hey, what are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing? You want to tell me who Jen is? I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, just the one who posts on your Facebook wall all day. Okay, don't worry about that Yeah, I won't worry about it because she won't be posting anymore cuz you just called her cunt via Facebook message You really shouldn't be using my computer at all. Hey, what sex in the city character?
Do you think I am? Samantha Okay. No, I haven't fucked half the town. Is this touchscreen? No, please come on just five minutes and then we can go five minutes fine Thank you Hey patty mount patty going. Yeah. I'm here. Yeah, I'm here Look how Pat wears a nice button-down shirt to work instead of a t-shirt like a baby and it looks good in it Yeah, tell him he has to wear button-downs We're pregnant What what are you talking about?
See, I knew you'd react this way. You are not ready to be a dad at all. Oh Wait, wait, hold on. Don't move the covers as farted What I'm a human being I didn't say anything. Well, I heard you make a noise. I'll air all air it out the bottom Please just not do that. Well, I'm really bored. Okay. Well, I have 45 more minutes of work So you think you can out bother me for 45 minutes in a row?
Oh, he's gonna be cool in front of your friends now God. Hey everyone. He's the funniest Funniest person.
All right, just give me five. How about that? I'll finish it in five minutes. No, we can go. Okay Five four three two one. Come on.
Coldstone is going to close. Come on Okay, Kevin's gonna come stay with us. I think He's not he is oh You can just have your friends over whenever and I have to what go to court or something and win a right to have my Friend come over. He's my best friend. It's my apartment though, right? Yeah, and my friend's gonna stay there. Shut up argument over.
Hey. Hey, what are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing?
You want to tell me who Jen is? I don't know what you're talking about Oh just the one who posts on your Facebook wall all day. Okay, don't worry about that Yeah, I won't worry about it because she won't be posting anymore because you just called her a cunt via Facebook You really shouldn't be using my computer at all.
Hey, what sex in the city character? Do you think I am? Samantha Okay. No, I haven't fucked half the town.
Is this touch screen?
No, please come on just five minutes and then we can go just five minutes Thank you Hey patty mount patty going. Yeah, I'm here. Yeah, I'm here Look how Pat wears a nice button-down shirt to work instead of a t-shirt like a baby and it looks good in it Yeah, tell him he has to wear button-downs We're pregnant What what are you talking about? See, I knew you'd react this way. You are not ready to be a dad at all. Oh Wait, wait, hold on. Don't move the covers. I started What I'm a human being I didn't say anything well, I heard you make a noise I'll air I'll air it out the bottom |
SaturdayNightLive | submarine_launch_snl | Thank you, Mr. Dobbs, at ease. little fish. there's trouble out there in the water, so they turned to us. but we're not going out there with our pants down. No, sir. Uncle Sam gave us first-class tickets on a $5 billion nuclear submarine. isn't that right? Yes, sir. And this lethal Ohio-class killing machine has been entrusted to us for one purpose, to defend our country, God's country. Now the President may call the shots, but this here is my submarine. And it's a proud boat, isn't it, Mr. Dobbs? very proud, sir. it represents the best of us. the absolute best, sir. And this ship has a noble name, doesn't it, Mr. Dobbs? very noble, sir. And what is that name, Mr. Dobbs?
And why does it have that name? Because it was decided by an online poll, sir. And why did we let that be the name? Because we didn't take the poll seriously until it was too late, sir. And what percentage of people voted for this to be the name?
An overwhelming majority, sir. And why did we have a poll in the first place? to get more followers on Instagram, sir. And did this mission succeed? We got more views on our stories, but our followers grew up pretty much the normal rate, sir. And who is Mr. Dingleberry? everyone assumes that it's you, sir. And what was the runner-up in the poll? Dookie Cruiser, Sir. And was that any better? it was shorter, but equally bad, sir.
And what does A-s-t-f-j-k-l, semicolon mean? it's just what you get if you roll your fingers across the keyboard, sir. And how did we originally try to pronounce it? by saying A-s-t-f-j-k-l, Sir. But we decided what? that A-s-t-f-j-k-l was too complicated and we should just say the letters, sir. And did we know how to deal with the semicolon? we did not, sir. So what did we decide to do? we decided to just say semicolon, sir.
And who was behind this prank? at Gay Kevin from the office for 20, Sir. And who is at Gay Kevin from the office? Just a random guy, sir.
Hello, my darling wife. is it urgent? And why is it urgent? And why are you leaving me? And on which days will I see the kids? Okay, then. now you know Who thinks they know why my wife is leaving me? we all do, sir. And why is that?
Because she didn't want to be Mrs. Dingleberry, sir. And who blew up the submarine just now? we all did, sir. And why did we do it? because we didn't want to die on something called the group's balloon, Sir.
Damn right. Chief of the Birth, dismiss the crew. Aye, aye. Mr. Dingleberry, crew follow. Yeah. |
dropout | little_shop_of_hey_now | Hey now, I'm Grant O'Brien, your host of the College Humor Podcast. And I've decided I'm going to steal Howard Stern's whole thing all day long. That's going to be my vibe today. Thank you all so much for watching us here on Dropout, where you can catch this early or if you're a cheapskate on CH2. You freeloaders are really getting a show today, but man, you missed a lot on Dropout, let me tell you. I am joined by some of my College Humor colleagues, Jess Ross.
Hi. How are you today, Jess Ross? I'm doing very good. I'm feeling great. Hey now. That's excellent. I'm joined by Michael Trapp. Hello. You are so excited.
Before we started, you said, I have an intro in my pocket ready to go. And it turned out to be just a hey now, and at no point did you mention the name of the show. Sure I did. I said the College Humor Podcast. All right, sure.
And I said, but also, I want to pay tribute to the king of all media, Howard Stern himself. Look, if we're going to do a show, we might as well emulate the best. Love Howard Stern. We'll always love Howard Stern.
Honestly, turn this off. Go watch some Howard Stern right now. We shouldn't have let you host it. We should really. This is kind of a waste of time.
Howard Stern, you got years and years of archives. This is episode two. And it's aged so well. Yeah. Timeless. Timeless entertainment.
I'm also joined by Frankie McLafferty. Hello, Frankie. Hello, Grant.
How are you? I'm fantastic. Thank you. Hey now. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, great, great. Frankie, you might not be as familiar to some of our viewers. You're a producer here at College Humor. I sure am.
What is your favorite part about being on camera? Actually, no, I'm going to phrase that question a little differently. Do you like being on camera at all? Yes and no. Yes, I like saving money. I don't have to pay anyone to be on camera if I'm on camera. In the moment, I like it. But then afterward, when I see myself on camera, or I hear myself, it's like, oh, this isn't great. I want to clarify something that you just said for the viewers. When you're offered the opportunity to go on camera, you don't get so afraid that you go hire someone to do it instead of you. It's your job as a producer to hire actors to appear on screen with us. That's what you mean by I saved some money.
Yes, I'm already fucking off. I can feel it. Are we allowed to swear on these? I guess we are now. Jesus. Howard Stern swears all the time, and he's the best that's ever been at this.
Hey now. Oh, hey now.
I guess I do enjoy it. It sends me into a world of anxiety, but I enjoy it. It's more for you the feeling of watching your performance afterwards, which is a stage Friday.
Yes. Because sometimes I'll have a single line, and it's just kind of like a throwaway line, and then I'll deliver it. No. The whole room is silent afterward, and then they just have me do it again. It's just that feeling of, oh, I'm fucking this up. I am ruining everything. It's a very self-conscious thing. I don't like listening or watching myself afterwards either, because I'm too pretty, and my voice is too nice. Yes. It's painful.
When I first got this job, because we, as part of the process, as writers get to note some of the sketches, I was like, how much am I going to have to note my shitty acting? And I still give notes of like, hey, do we have a take? When I did this better, I did a bad job in this take. Can we please use one when I'm better? That's better that the experience that I was used to is sort of like, hey, is there a take that's less fat? Do we have a take where I'm like five pounds lighter?
Is that something we have all around back there? Can I have worn a different shirt the whole time we filmed this? No one tell me my hair looked the craziest it's ever looked. I'm worried that that's pointed at me right now. I was a little poofy before we started. No, it's looking good. No, stop touching it. Okay. It might have reaped, but now it looks like shit. Oh, no. Oh, no. The hardest for me is the thumbnails. And then sometimes I'll ask for a new one, and I'm like, oh, this is just as ugly. I don't want to waste everybody's day and like keep going through these. So it just ends up being fine as is. We filmed a sketch once. In the sketch, sad boy house, I think, there was a photograph taken of me where I was giving you know, the suck it symbol from...
Awesome. Yeah. No, great.
Degeneration X. Degeneration X. And we were going to Photoshop in an awesome entertainment system behind me. And I made a joke that day, because I was wearing a tank top, I was playing a tank top guy. I made a joke that day to our director, Ryan Martin, was like, listen, when you're Photoshopping then, you should pump up my arms a little bit, too. Oh, my God. And at the time, I'd sort of really been focusing on building mass. Right now, I'm trying to cut a little bit, so I'm doing a little bit more cardio. But the picture came back and I was like, oh, I kind of look great in that. Maybe that hard work started to pay off. My tank top. Days are all ahead of me. And I found out like a month later when I was talking about how good that picture is that Ryan had pumped up, had actually pumped up my arms. You can all go take a look at that sketch and you can see my arms in it.
They're puppet. And also, it's still nothing great. There's still nothing like... There's still just kind of regular arms.
I can't believe someone spent their day doing that. Sorry.
I'm thrilled that they did. And make no mistake, it was a full day's work to make sure that Grant's arms looked toned and strong and... No, I've got some size.
Let's see him. This isn't a video podcast for nothing. Those are... Whoa, whoa, whoa. You know who doesn't do that?
Howard Stern. Maybe we are better than him. I bet he has. Actually, you know, in the whole history of the Howard Stern show, I bet he has.
How much am I allowed to say it? I don't know.
I don't know if I can say Howard Stern this much, but I'm doing it. I woke up today thinking I'd talk about Howard Stern this much. I wake up every morning hoping I talk about Howard Stern this much.
Well, thank you all for joining us here on the College Humor podcast. We have some games we're going to play. We're going to read through a rejected sketch, and we're going to take some Q&As from you, our loyal audience, and we're very happy to have them here.
Hey now, yes, hey now. Jesus Christ.
I hate this. No, no, no. They put me in charge. I wish I could turn the channel. They put me in charge of this show, and that was their mistake, and when I say they, I mean Mike Trapp.
Here we go. So this is like an hour, and we're going to sit here for an hour. Or more. Who knows how long I'm going to go? I had a great week, and my monologue about it here a little later.
So we have a game to play, and the game is the targeted ad game. In front of you folks is a packet of targeted ads. Would you collect your packets right now, please? And while you collect those, let me tell the viewer what's going to happen. You're all citizens of the internet. That's why you're here watching us. As you browse the internet, big corporations are spying on you. Right now, while you watch this, big companies are watching. And all to sell you products. You all know what targeted ads are.
I don't need to give that doomsday introduction of it. We asked these panelists to spend their week if they noticed a good targeted ad. Send it in. And now we're going to ask them to match the targeted ad with the cast member in front of them. Now we're going to go one at a time. We're going to start with you, Frankie. You don't have your ad. We took some time to ... Oh, the producers just came in and told me that we're going to start with Jess because that will ensure that ... Jess, you don't have your ad in front of you. That's the order that that packet got put together in. Let me get my packet here in front of me as well. So using what you know about your fellow panelists, I want you to take a look at these ads and decide who you think it belongs to. And keep in mind, the answer may be none of the above. Can we take a look at the first ad, please? That's up on screen now.
Okay, yeah. Okay.
Now, if anyone happens to just be listening to this, this first ad is a sponsored Instagram post from That Santa Guy. And it's a picture of Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus taking a selfie with Ryan Seacrest.
Yes. The phone percentage is also at 89%, so I have to assume it's someone who keeps their phone well-charged. This can't be great. I like that. You know what? This is good technique. This is using the whole buffalo. I am. Well, it's someone who has Instagram. Uh-huh. That Santa Guy. Yes. We have That Santa Guy with ... I'm confused what the business is, I think, is what's hurting me.
It's Ryan Seacrest, Santa, and Mrs. Claus. They all look happy. Mrs. Claus and I had a terrific time at Ryan Seacrest's party this past weekend.
So I'm guessing it's a Santa rental service, or this Santa you can rent him specifically? I bet. Yeah, I think that's right. If it was the real Santa Claus, he'd have way more likes than that. That is true. The real Santa's probably got like 20,000 followers. At least. I'm going to guess because Frankie is a producer and produces things, and maybe her computer and devices know that, that it is geared towards Frankie because maybe she would rent a Santa for a video, or for one of our parties. To be clear, you're saying that Frankie is subjected to frequent Santa rental ads. As part of her day-to-day browsing through the internet experience. I think all kinds of rentals. Jess, you're correct.
Also, because Grant tried to have Frankie guess this one, and producers ran in to say, please don't do that. And I tried not to take that too much into consideration.
I tell you what's very valuable. What do I win? A good producer. Aww. Do you know him?
Frankie, why do you think you got this ad? I don't know. It almost infuriates me. I don't know what part of my online presence tells them that I want this. I'm not really into Ryan Seacrest. Is it Santa rental? I don't know. It's got to be.
You've got to be able to rent that Santa guy. Have you ever typed sexy Santa? I mean all the time, but he's not a sexy Santa. Can I say just on that really quickly, right now there are a bunch of ads for some Netflix Christmas movie.
Kurt Russell looks hot as hell on Santa. He looks so good. Kurt Russell looks really sexy.
Oh my god. I watched it. Did you? Purely to see Kurt Russell. Finally, a still. I thought that. And they kind of, it's pretty much they only made the movie for that exact reason.
So much in the movie is just like, hey, I'm not a fat stupid Santa. I'm hot. And I'm like, are Santa?
Does he like undo his shirt or what? How do they?
Only in my fan fiction. The movie hasn't even come out yet. You're already.
It's how he drives some kind of fancy car. I don't know enough about cars, but one that's like low to the ground and red.
Yeah. Hot as hell. Speaking of hot as hell, do you think there's a potential that you got this ad because of Ryan Seacrest? You big fan? Oh, I love Ryan Seacrest. I don't know.
Maybe it's like a celebrity. Like I look at celebrities pages and they're like, who's a bigger celebrity than Ryan Seacrest? Who's the less celebrity you looked at?
I did. I looked at the hashtag of Megan Markle on Instagram for maybe two hours yesterday. I was late to work because I was late.
How is she? Yes. There's a lot of she's doing great. Glowing? Yes. Oh my God. God bless her. Yeah. I love Megan Markle.
So maybe they assumed that they're in the same vein of. Hell it's Christmas time. You don't need a good reason to have a Santa come up for you. Well Jess, that's a point for you. Congratulations. Now, if we can take a look at the next targeted ad, this one's going to be for Mike Trapp. Oh God. This is a picture.
For our audience, this is a picture of a young lady writing a bird scooter on a sign, on a street sign, up against a beautiful sky. The text says, go safely on scooters. Did you know that traffic laws apply to people riding scooters?
Stop at all. Stop signs and read. And that's the end of it. If you would have to click through. Could be read anything.
Trapp, who do you think this belongs to? It's also next to Bird. It says, scag.
I don't know what that is. I'm going to say Southern California Attorney General. I don't know. Do you know how Southern California has its own Attorney General?
Yes. Yeah, separate from the state. So I do think this is Grant's, but I guess I'll talk it out a little bit. The reason I think that it is yours, Grant, is that I know that you are a fan of multimodal transportation. And I know that you've spoken of it enough that I feel like you probably visit traffic blogs, urban planning blogs, you're probably listening to podcasts that espouse the virtues of riding around on doofy little scooters that go nee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee.
And we'll defend them at any opportunity. And I think that any company worth their salt would have your number and say like, yeah, get this eight-foot-tall giant on the smallest scooter he can and have him putter around Santa Monica. You are also very clumsy, so to do it safely if you want it to do it. You know, this could be anyone's targeted ad, but if it were mine, I'd point out that getting people out of their cars is frankly an emergency, and we simply must solve it. Yes, this is an ad targeted to me.
I have never ridden a scooter for exactly the reason, Jess, that you say, I can't. The scooters, they just aren't for me. That is not.
I think you're too big. You'd have too big of a fall. I would. Like, I'd break a hip.
And I'd need my life-alert bracelet to help me if I was ever on a scooter. But you'd need the bracelet because no one would help you. You'd have to call for help. He would see you on the ground.
Well, what if I'm riding in my house? What if I'm using it to get from my bed out in my kitchen? But I... I have to get my warm milk in my kitchen.
I am pro-scooter, though. And look, I'm as annoyed by everybody sitting behind one of the rental scooters. If you don't live in a big urban area, it's very popular right now to have rent-by-the-minute scooters to get around neighborhoods. I hate sitting in traffic behind a scooter. I think people look like idiots on them.
However, we have to get people out of their cars. It is an emergency, certainly in the city of L.A. We...
I mean, multimodal streets. Trap, you said it right there. Multimodal streets. You get to have bike lanes.
It's like I've heard you say this before. Stop yelling at us. Well, Frank, we are the ones stopping there being dedicated bus lanes on Santa Monica. Yeah. Oh, God. Is it my turn now? That is a point for Mike Trap.
This is also something that Frankie has sort of alluded to, but I'll get annoyed by Targeted Ads sometimes, because it'll be like, what is it? Why do you think me? What is it about me that you think that I need this or I want this? What did I do wrong?
Yeah. All my ads are sad. Well, I don't feel that way. All my ads get me pretty close to it.
It's like, oh, he rides scooters and he thinks his hair is falling out. Let's get him some hair pills and some dick pills, and that's what we can get him.
For a little while, there was an ad. It was like one of those boxes with stuff in it. Like a brand we're not supposed to say. Yeah. Exactly. But it was for single women to treat yourself the way your boyfriend should. Oh, my God. And it kept coming up and I kept marking it offensive.
I do not wish to see this box. Please stop showing me. I will order you that box. Please don't.
Just so I know what they think single women need. I have one insulting one, but it might be in here, so I'll wait. I'll wait to share until after the fact.
All right. Well, on that note, let's take a look at the third ad, if we can. And this is going to go to Frankie. Great. So if you are listening to this on screen, you're seeing an ad for Hunt a Killer. Well, Grant's going to be laughing for the next five minutes. I'm going to peek behind the curtain. The producers helped me put this together. I hadn't flipped through this yet, so I hadn't seen all these. Great.
Thank you, Bridget. Bridget, help me with that.
I guess it's not Grant's. Oh, right. Maybe this is mine. This is maybe mine. Maybe. Who knows? Jeez, it could be yours.
Remember, okay. So the text of the ad says couples who hunt serial killers together stay together. The picture is someone going into a mailbox. Yeah. And below that, the text is, this date night, hunt a serial killer together. And that's all the information that we have. All right. Frankie, use your powers as a detective, I suppose, to appear who this belongs to. Okay. So I can cross you off the list.
It's clearly not yours. No, it's mine. It's not mine.
It's someone in a relationship, which does not narrow it down anymore. Remember, none of the above is an option.
Okay. Great. Awesome. Because they say couples who hunt people together. So it's someone that has a relationship listed on Facebook. Yes. Hey, now. Yes. Oh, I hate this so much. Okay.
So you tend to, like, the true crime thing, they go after women with that. I like that you're doing, like, a, God, what is the, not Hannibal. Hannibal? Was Hannibal the show?
I don't know what you're about to say. That was a show. Yeah. But yeah, but you're doing the thing from there.
It's like, I'm getting in the mind of the killer here. Who would have the hunt a killer box? This person is probably, is painting a profile of them. I will say, right or wrong, you should get hunt a killer because I think you'd be really good at it. Thank you. I don't have a 16 million other to stay together with if we hunt a killer together. I've got a box for you, though. It could be my boyfriend. You and your box can go hunt a killer together?
Oh, God. I'm going to, you know what? I'm going to say no one's. This isn't anyone's. It's Jess Ross's. Baby, it was me.
I was so close. Hunt a killer. Jess. Frankie drops her coffee cup and shatters on the ground. Jess was hunt a killer, hold on.
Jess, please, God, tell me you clicked on the ad so you'd know more about this. I didn't, but Bridget did, because I sent her all this stuff, and Bridget was like, I am so into that one. Bridget is producing this podcast right now. It's like a mail-to-you kind of box, but it is like a killer has sent you stuff, like if the Zodiac killer were to send the newspaper or something, and then you decode it.
Oh, that's fun. It's fun to have fun with murder.
I thought for sure it was going to be cold taste files. Some old policeman sent you some stuff. We couldn't figure this out.
I think it's like an escape roomy kind of. Yeah, and I have fun. But with the added little layer of like, maybe someone's trying to kill you. Yeah, I have gone to escape the room, so maybe that's why. Maybe my computer knows that.
It's just weird, because I'm rarely on any social media. I really only go on Facebook because my mom likes Facebook Messenger, so that's how we talk. Same. So that it, yeah, she won't get off it. She was like, did you look at your Facebook message today? I was like, I've got nothing on it.
Don't do that. Yeah, but I am. It was interesting. You said they gear it towards women, because I'm a woman, and I'm in a relationship with a woman, so that it's like double women. Maybe we'll do this together. I was keeping it a little quiet because I knew this wasn't my ad, but I also know that they have advertised to me before. So I was like, I'm going to keep it a little quiet and see if we can throw it off.
But I personally don't like crime shows. I like puzzles. I don't like crime shows. I don't think it's entertaining.
I love them.
What's the appeal? I don't know. I think it's just like a puzzle that you think you can solve it, but I don't know. It's just, I don't know. Well, that's fine. You don't have to know.
I did like Mindhunter. Did anybody watch that? Oh, yeah. I love Mindhunter. That was great. I didn't see that. But the one I got, the copy was, what if a serial killer sent you a letter every month?
It was like, bad. No, not good. Bad time. I wouldn't like it. What if, indeed, speaking of things you wouldn't like, Jess, it's your turn again.
Oh, wow. So this is an ad for an Amazon product. They are MPOW kids' headphones with 85 dB decibels, volume limited, to not hurt a kid's hearing. They're $13.99. They have four and a half stars with 381 views. Views. Reviews. Ratings. I don't know. Those sound like pretty good headphones to me.
There's a picture of a little panda bear on the side. Adorable.
Jess, who do you think this ad is targeted to? I don't think it is targeted to anybody here. Why not? Because none of us have children, and this looks like it's a product for a child.
Oh, it's kids' headphones. Yeah, right there. And I think no one seems like a big audio file. This isn't audio files. You get the best sound quality from these little panda headphones. This is the same. Barry Gordy has these headphones. You think you know your music, and then you listen to your music through these, and it's like, oh, the levels.
If anything, I would think this was Rekha's. It's very cute. Why Rekha's? Because Rekha likes little animals. There's like a panda on the side.
Jess, this ad was targeted at Mike Trapp. Oh, wow. Trapp, explain yourself. I wish I could.
I included this because I was looking through stuff. I was like, oh, we'll go to Amazon because there'll be stuff on there from stuff I purchased. And I saw this. I was like, I have absolutely no idea what I purchased to make them think that this is what I wanted. And I was even trying to think because it's like, well, Thanksgiving wasn't too long ago. I saw my niece when I was there. I was looking for gifts and things, but I don't think I was looking on Amazon for those gifts. I don't think I was looking online at all. I was going to brick and mortar stores. So I was like, what on earth was I looking for?
And the only thing to think of is I moved recently, so I was looking for a lot of general blocks, Legos. Yeah, things that I can prepare my home with. There's a wall falling down, so I need a good Lego set to make sure that I can build it right back up.
But no, just things like contact paper and stuff for lining. Are these crafty things? Are these going under some kind of crafts label? I have no idea why this is here.
They're nice headphones, and they protect people's hearing. And honestly, I got them, because they look so nice, and the sound quality, it's amazing.
I should have known. Go right in the studio with those. I listened to the White Album on this, and oh, baby.
Damn. I hate losing.
No points for you.
But let's take a look at the next targeted ad. Ooh, baby. This one's going to go to Mike Trapp. That's right.
This is an Instagram ad from the company Homesick. It is a Las Vegas candle.
Yes. OK. What is that? I'm going to drive here. Yeah. What does that look like?
So yeah, so this is a company that makes candles that smell like your hometown if you miss it. No one here is from Las Vegas as far as I know. But I will say there were a couple. If you look at the bottom, if you look at the dots of the Instagram images, we're a couple images deep on there. There could have been some other candles here. Now that's a good point. And then they started moving through. So this could have just been someone who was getting Homesick candles marketed at them in general. This Hunter killer that you're doing for this candle is really working out. I'll also say this is an AT&T phone at 92%, which is also where that Santa guy was being targeted.
I'm going to say that this is another Frankie McLavity joint. Wow. Trap. That is a targeted ad at Frankie. Yeah. Look at that detective work. That is fantastic. Frankie, what the fuck?
Aside from the ad, I thought we were all getting our targeted ads from Instagram. I didn't realize it was across the internet. The whole internet. The internet's like five websites now.
So you could have gone to any of the other four. So yeah, I really gave myself away on this one.
Yeah, I'm not often Homesick in general. Where are you from? I'm from Santa Barbara, California.
I knew that, but I wanted to get it out there for the. It's great. I also knew that for the record. I knew it. Yeah.
We're all good friends.
But the first one wasn't even that it was Seattle. And then the next one was like Denver. Was Santa Barbara in the mix at all? No, not at all. I chose Las Vegas because that's fucking insane to me.
What do you think it smells like? Oh, I don't know. Just like old pussy and ashtrays. And tears. Yeah. The smell that pennies have. You know, that sort of like metallic smell. You suppose Seattle smelled like tossed salad and scrambled eggs? Oh, God. Fuck out. I'm listening. Smells like a tree.
I could have also done that. I didn't have to go with Howard Stern. I could have gone with Frasier Crane.
Yeah. Both references that are hot with our audience. I am from Columbus, Ohio.
I would love to know what someone thinks that smells like. What do you think it smells like? Let's all say what our hometown smells like.
Columbus is in the Midwest. And like a Midwestern accent, it by design smells like nothing at all. It is devoid of any defining characteristic at all.
I don't agree with that. You spent some time in Ohio. I did.
But I more just disagree with the sentiment that, one, that the Midwestern accent is devoid of any defining thing or that the Midwest in general. I've heard people say this before, but the Midwest is crazy. The Midwest is honestly maybe one of the strongest cultures in the lower 48 right now.
Fucking Jell-O and Cool Whip and goddamn everything. I make a pie with Jell-O and Cool Whip.
And I took it to a friend's giving. And I said, no one ate the pie. And I was talking to my mom. She's like, why not? I made it as a joke. But it's delicious.
Oh, no. The Midwest is like the south if you ruined it somehow. If you took everything fun out of the south, then just put it in the cold. What other parts of America can we just shit on right now?
I'll fucking roast it. Name one. I'll roast it right now.
The Pacific Northwest. The Pacific Northwest is so far up its own ass. Oh, my God. The Pacific Northwest is higher on itself than any part of the country I've ever seen.
Do Rhode Island.
I mean, I would, but the mafia's already had its way with it. So I don't think I can do too much more. I don't know if that's accurate. Yeah, and Providence. All right. Great. Well, there's one more. I wasn't disagreeing with you. I just think I don't know enough about Rhode Island. I don't know about that. That's accurate. So, Mike Trapp, you're currently in the lead. Ooh. And at this point, no one can catch you. No. There's one more round anyway.
What the hell? Frankie, let's take a look at this last targeted ad. This is an ad for something called Upright. Oh, God.
The quote says, when I started, I was slouching 40% of the day, and now I'm at 16%, exclamation point. From Danielle, a yoga instructor. What's her last name?
Radelsky. Decibels.
Get a head start on holiday shopping. Gift good posture to your friends and loved ones now. What an awful gift. If anyone dares give me a posture alarm for Christmas, they're going to get a smack in the face. The thing about things like this, too, for me, if I ever see someone talking about, if someone's talking about posture, if someone's like, I can't help but immediately go like...
Yeah, I did it. I just straightened up.
We fucked the shots. None of us are in frame anymore.
People are talking about dentistry. I immediately have to lick my teeth. How are my teeth doing? Good.
Frankie, who do you think this ad was targeted toward? Oh, boy. Well, it has a woman in the ad, so I feel like it was targeted towards a woman.
Wow, it's 2018. Maybe 2019 when you're watching this. I don't know. Wow, it's 2014, Frankie.
Is that really how you're going to do this? We recorded a while ago. I'm going to say... I don't like this at all. I'm going to say it's targeted to no one again because that hasn't come up yet. That has been an option, right?
It has not. It has not, yes.
All right, sure. I see how you're doing. I guessed it last time. I'm going to guess it again. Sure. Well, this belongs to Jess. I have to say something to you. I have to be clear. Wait, wait, wait. Can I guess what you're about to say? Yes.
That you didn't actually put any none of the above in here. You were too lazy to, and at the last minute you realized, oh, this is going to give away the game, so we should just tell them that there's none of the above. It wasn't because I was lazy. It's because I didn't think of it until too late. So, no, there were no none of the above options. I just said that so people couldn't use process of elimination.
Jess, this was targeted to you. It was targeted towards me. Why do you think that was?
Well, I have purchased something to try to help my boss. I would do it. All right, well, great.
It wasn't like this rock. It was like kind of a reverse harness frog. It was just like X's in the back, and you're just like this all the way. Like a corset? This? Kind of, but it's just so uncomfortable, and it just makes my fat rolls go all over the place. And I don't know. But you got to sit up straight. It's like cancer. You're not doing it. Sure, setting's the new smoking. This product looks like, it looks like something you would center a black mirror episode around. It's a little too sleek and weird, and it looks like the kind of thing where it's like, oh, sure, it'll improve your posture.
But will little tiny spider robot legs jam into your spine? Sure. Will it control you? Absolutely. But look, small little robot spider legs jammed into your spine is a small price to pay for perfect posture. Jess, since you are a customer, would you purchase something like this?
No, I've given up. I'm just going to roll into a ball and die. It is like cancer. I've heard that somewhere. It's called Sonic. I'm slowly curling. So I'm dead.
This wasn't the insulting one. The insulting one, I always get ones for small chested women. And I don't know how it knows I'm small chested besides maybe my pictures. Oh, no. I don't know how it fits.
This technology is, I remember before people were even talking about this, and I was like, why am I getting all these ads for little titty women? They just know. I get ads. It's equal to little women. I would love that. Oh, my God. I really screwed up my targeted adding because I got one once for super gay little underwear. And of course, I clicked on that. Now, any time I see one, I click on one because I want to know more about the models. I've never bought underwear off the internet, but I click on it every time it comes up.
When I was on a sketch team at UCB, I would buy a bunch of props on Amazon. And my Amazon account was a fucking mess forever because it was just like, it's like, yeah, I need about five bags of rubber snakes, a bright yellow male G-string, and a stuffed koala. And I was just like, we looked at your purchases and we think you're a real twisted freak. Here's some shit, a little monster like you might like.
Well, that means Mike Trapp is our winner. Congratulations to you, sir. Thank you. You win nothing, and you will receive no praise from me.
Very good. What a show. That's right. Hey, now.
But for our next segment, we are going to read a sketch that sadly collegehumor.com will not make. This sketch was written by Jess Ross. Jess, do you want to tell us a little bit about that? I would love to.
So I wrote an enchanting sketch called Little Shop of Ass Eaters. It is a parody of the Little Shop of Horrors musical, only instead the plant wants to eat ass.
It's some of my finest work. I wrote it for Mod Night at UCBLA, and it did really well. I have people on my team who are very good singers and dancers. And I was like, oh, my God, this is going to be a hit. I'm going to bring it in the room. Everyone's going to love it.
And then I bring it in, and I'm told that it's pornography. I mean, there's an ass-eating scene in it. With a puppet. So it's a little piece of felt licking a butt that maybe you would never see.
I mean, we got to be a bit more creative, I think. Now, we're kind of giving away the game here. We're going to read through the sketch for you, our loyal audience. In front of everyone is a packet. And we'll all have to lean away from our microphones to get them, so there'll be a quick moment of silence.
No, no, no. Good radio. This is good radio. This is good. People are listening to this.
Hey now.
Oh, God dammit. Jess, do you want to cast this? Sure. I'll be Audrey. I apologize for my singing voice now. Grant, if you will be Seymour. Trap, if you'll be the ass-eating plant. Thank you. And Frankie, would you mind reading stage? I would love nothing more. You know, there's a typo. Just make me look good.
I forgot there was singing in those sketches. There is singing.
You know what? I was in Little Shop before, so this is perfect. I played the dentist. That was great.
Interior flower shop night. Cat and Grant, closing shop. Raph, Audrey too, is motionless in the middle of the room.
Oh Seymour, I'm so proud of you. You and your plant have made Mr. Mushnick's shop so successful. How'd you do it? Well Audrey, there's something I've got to tell you about my plant. What is it Seymour? My plant.
It's not like other plants. Of course it's not. That's why it's so special. No, Audrey.
This plant, it eats... It eats what, Seymour? It eats...
I eat ass, baby! You can talk? Wait, what did you just say? I said I eat ass, baby!
Seymour, I don't understand what's going on. Like, it eats human flesh? No, Audrey. It licks assholes. But why? They don't have stomachs on his planet.
He's fueled by orgasms. And because it's incredibly sexually satisfying for all parties.
Nom, nom, nom. But how? I just take my leaves, push them cheeks apart, and then ding, ding, ding. It's dinner time, baby. Seymour, whose ass has he been eating? Mine! Guy gasps.
Well, it started with mine. I thought I could control it, but then things got out of hand. So I started bringing people here.
For me to eat their asses. Mmm, mmm, good. Speaking of, I'm getting hungry. And your friend Audrey is looking pretty tasty.
Hey, you leave her alone. Actually, uh, I don't know. It sounds kind of interesting. Really?
You want my plant to eat your ass? I mean, if he's hungry, and I'm not really doing anything else right now. All right, come on, baby.
Audrey bends over, lifting her skirt in the back. Plant giant puppet tongue starts licking her ass. She loves it.
Okay, well, thanks for doing this, Audrey. It means a lot. Uh, yeah, sure. Don't stop, don't stop. Sacrificing yourself from me and my plant. Right, yeah, sacrifice. Oh, yeah! And I just want you to know, Suddenly, Seymour is standing beside you. So, oh, wait, this is a different part of the song. Sweet understanding. Seymour's your friend.
Nobody's ever eaten my butthole. Maybe by mistake once, but I'm not sure. I'd meet a man and I'd say, Hey, no butt stuff. He'd say that's a bummer, but okay, sure.
Suddenly, this plant is standing behind me. He's in my asshole, and damn, it feels good. Suddenly, this plant is here to provide me. Sweet ass orgasm. This plant's my friend.
I'm full. The end. I have one question right off the bat. What did he get full of? Full of eaten butt.
Okay, that's fair, sure. Makes sense, yeah.
I'm usually still hungry after I eat butt. Now, to circle back on the original point, I stand by my original assessment that, if you were to make a porn parody of Little Shop of Horrors, it wouldn't be that dissimilar from this. And things that you can do on stage, like you can have a puppet and sort of be miming sex and kind of get away with it. I feel like on video, the level of suspension of disbelief is just a little bit different.
Oh no, oh no. I'm not having any of this.
Jess, why should we make this sketch? Why should we make it?
Because it's funny. It is very funny. This is a very funny sketch. I just love it. I think it's so fun and so silly.
I understand that maybe there would be a porn parody of it, but I just think it's just so silly. I don't think there's any way that someone would think it was a porn. And I think there's a way to shoot it and do it that it doesn't feel Frankie.
Yeah. Up, girl, right. Frankie, what are your thoughts? I mean, I just imagine myself sending this off to legal and getting the email back of that. That they're too horny? Yeah. I'm sorry. We can't make this film far too horny.
Our lawyers are from 1900. It's very funny.
I just don't. My God, I feel like I'm on Shark Tank. No one's going to invest. I'm just so glad I didn't have to make it.
I'll tell you this story, and it's about our wussy audience. We had a sketch get taken off YouTube once because I fucked a sandwich in it. Written by Mike Trapp, by the way, not written by myself. But I fucked that sandwich very realistically. Now, it was probably the realism that did it, and I would say in the sketch's favor, this is probably not. I don't know if we had that sketch available on Dropout, but we should.
I finger the sandwich. I make that sandwich feel good.
I will say sex stuff doesn't play sometimes with our audience. If you, our audience, would like to see more sex stuff, please comment down below. This is the second highly sexual sketch that we featured in this segment of Rejected Sketch Theater here.
The other was, of course, Katie's. This is a turkey I'd like to fuck. Oh, did we do that? We talked about that last time. Oh, man. I love that sketch. Another one, which is the other thing to, I mean, I guess the performers on your mod team did already, but it does also mean that you are telling your coworkers, like, hey, you're going to have to mime out eating ass for a significant portion.
I think Grant wouldn't mind. I don't think Grant would mind. I wouldn't mind. I know Kat wouldn't mind.
And Raph would be eating booties, so let's call the whole thing on. I might also question how much in the zeitgeist little shop of horrors is these days. Every high school in America. If your high school didn't do little shop of horrors, you've got to go back and demand a better education.
We had 20 do-op girls just so everyone could be in it. We really did. But that isn't part of the reason why so many high schools do little shop of horrors is because there are so many different roles and so many different things people can do. I played the dentist, and in the dentist track, there are a whole bunch of other parts the dentist is supposed to play. And they didn't get to just because it was important that everybody gets to play.
I'd have been fucking great in that song when you come in as the agent and stuff, Skip Snip. Grant, you've got to be one of the three, four big characters in it. What do you mean you want to be the agent, Skip Snip?
I would do a good job. I'd do a very good job. You should play all the roles. Yeah, I do. Frankly, I think I'd be a good seam work, too. Maybe I can do both.
And the plan. Now, did you know in the original ending of this sketch, the plants actually take over the world and they eat everyone's ass?
Well, maybe it is porn, but that doesn't bother me about it. I think we should still do it. I'm pro-porn. I think I'm on record. I think that's by Tumblr.
There's two things that Grant is in favor of. It's porn and multimodal streets. And he can only combine the two.
It's an emergency that we've got to get people out of their cars and into our beds. For starters, they've got to get out of my dreams. And into my car.
Nothing else. Like, let's start there. We can all agree on that.
Jess, I love this sketch. Thank you so much for sharing it with our audience. Thank you everyone for reading it.
I'm sorry I said I am glad we didn't make it. It's OK.
I want everyone to be honest. But also, everyone's wrong.
I think it's a delight to read. I think it's a delight to be able to share with our audience.
If it were a bad sketch, we wouldn't even have it in here. I think it just presents certain challenges. Well, I hope someday our nation is ready for a sketch like this.
It's 2014.
And women have the right to vote. That's right. Well, now, speaking of our audience, we have some Q&A's. Thank you.
Bridget. That was Bridget's hand, everybody. Ooh. Special guest, Bridget's hand.
Hopefully recurring character. Yeah, here's a good one. Here's a good one that actually I'm glad we have Frankie here for.
How long does it take for a sketch to go from idea to video, and what's that process like? Which I guess we'll start with the writers to talk through that part of the process and then get into production. I was just about to ask the worst question for a comedian. Where do you guys get your ideas? But when you have an idea, what happens then at College Humor?
I know the answer, but I'm, you know. We understand. Yeah, you see it. I know how this works, but I'm being the voice of you, the audience. Hey, now.
Yeah, so if you, when one of us has an idea, we'll bring it into the pitch meeting, talk it out. A head writer will assign the one or two that seem like the most promising. Usually come in with like six or seven ideas to offer to the head writer and the rest of the room, and we kick it around. Usually three of those are legitimately like honest, good ideas, and then another three are like, ah, here's something, I don't know what this is.
How dare you.
And never in my whole tenure here.
They're like, ah, I just gotta hit a deadline. Maybe this is an idea. Here's something that happened to me. What if that Santa guy was a sketch? All right, is this something? And then yeah, it's only a week from pitching the idea to going through two drafts of it, write a draft, review it, and then by the same time next week you have a second draft of it, which is usually the like kind of make it or not point to the point at which we say like, this is good enough to make with maybe a couple of tweaks or we're just not gonna do this one. And then it goes into Frankie's capable hands. Then it's on to me.
This part is the most boring.
So then I choose which, because we have to shoot two sketches in a day, so I choose which two should go well together. So for example, if we made this one, which again. What would you pair Little Shop of As?
Oh God. Like a fine wine. Yes. Like something easy, like a talky sort of, like there's two people, they're at their desks and they're chatting about whatever.
Your biggest resource, oh Christ, I hate the way I'm gonna talk for this already. Your biggest resource.
You weren't hating it at hey now. Yeah. This whole time has been fine. Your biggest resource on a shoot day is time. Yes, yes. Because you've got 12 hours to get two sketches shot and it costs a lot of money to go over that 12 hours. So you wanna find something that, like you were saying, you wanna find a simple sketch because this would be a complicated sketch. Yes, yes.
Yeah, so I would pair them up and then we have a pre-production meeting where we meet with the director, the producer, the writers, some post-production people, and we talk about it. And we decide what we're gonna do and how it's gonna go down. So let's say this sketch was going to be made. What question would you ask Jess as the writer that you would need answered as the producer?
Uh, why? Like truly, oh God, I don't wanna imagine that pre-production meeting. I guess like how much of the ass will we see but like is there like a song and dance number? You know, are we? Do we need to compose a song? Yes, do we need puppets of other plans? Because that's part of it, right? It's been a while since I've seen it. You know, do we need a choreographer? Like this is giving me such anxiety just talking about it. Like it's just, uh, yeah. Let's say the answer to those questions is yes.
What do you then go do? I go quit.
No, then I would reach out to a choreographer, a costumer. We don't usually do that because we have no money. So we usually just have like a DP, some camera people, a sound guy, art occasionally if we're feeling crazy and we just kind of go from that. So it's usually a very bare bones crew. But I reach out to them and I see if they're available and they agree to do it.
This is so boring. Continue. It's not boring at all. I think it's cool that people get to see and hear you talking about it because you're someone that does it and you do it incredibly. No. And someone might be watching and want to be a producer just like you.
Oh God, don't do it. Don't do it.
I truly just, so I started here as an intern and then I became the office PA because the office PA quit and then I just kept, the jobs kept opening up above me and I kept tricking people into thinking that they should promote. Like I truly just was in the right place for the right time over and over again.
Now as a producer. Frankie's too modest. Frankie's very good at producing. No, no, no, no. Is it true that under certain circumstances you stand to make more money with a flop than with a hit?
I love all the musicals in the show. This is such a good podcast.
I fucking throw. This is everything I hate. Sorry.
You don't have to actually answer that. No, and I'm not going to. But yeah, so that's. If you wanted to sing you could. I will not. I will say one thing that. Yes.
You mentioned that I think surprises a lot of people if they're not in a production or haven't done any kind of production is a grant you had mentioned that they're like oh we have to shoot these two sketches in 12 hours. Which I think to an average person who is not familiar with any kind of video production sounds like an insane amount of time to take 12 hours to produce two videos that are going to run three to five units. And I don't really know what else to say to that. It does in fact take that long. I think the average of filming is about like an hour per minute or something like that or 50 seconds per hour. I don't know. 30 seconds. I know that we shoot what is like an insane rate for most people.
I think like a typical like if you were doing like a big Hollywood movie kind of thing would be like oh you're going to do three pages a day. Those are big days too. Like a lot of days you're doing like three quarters of a page. Pages are generally how you measure the amount of time. Yeah, so that would be three pages in 12 hours. We're usually doing like six to 10 pages in 12 hours.
Yeah, and it's a lot. It's a lot that we do.
I like my job. I need to clarify that. I like what I do. You do it so well.
But a lot is on your shoulders. If we're only in a sketch, filming a sketch a week, you are doing pretty much all of them. Your hands are always in something as opposed to us. I mean we're always working on different projects but every video that you see online, frankly it had a hand. Bridget and Bridget's hand do some of them too. Shane. Yeah, so it's just a lot.
Like I truly feel like a mom. Like my job is to be a mom.
So I have to make sure that everyone is dressed well. When I come in you do say like well grab yourself some breakfast. And why are your clothes inside out? Thanks Frankie. If someone's like throwing a ball around I start to freak out truly. If we're ever near stairs we put our fingers in electrical sockets.
Jess, what is this? You have to build an ass-eating plant by tomorrow? Well why didn't you tell me about this sooner? You've got deadlines to meet. Jessica, no. I said no more ass-eating.
But yeah, so I think that my job is to be a mom. Great. Kind of, yeah.
And so from there once we've shot the sketch, then it goes to our post-production department where the editors will cut the footage and if we need any sort of VFX then that goes to our VFX people. Right now our people are TJ. But they get material from everybody that they've got to cut down. So that, the amount of time this takes is very fluid depending on the needs of the sketch. So the answer to that question will really be let's have it.
I don't know. One month. How long does it take?
It could be anything. Yeah. This is a fun one. What would you guys be doing if you didn't work at college humor? Mmm. Is this, this is annoying. I'm trying to wrap my head around the question of what would I be doing if I decided not to go into comedy or if this had turned out to be a huge disaster? Because I think those are two different points in my life. I think a different career. Yeah. The answer would be like, I don't know, applying for other writing jobs.
I'd be trying. Because I went to college for sure going, I'm going to be doing, I wanted to do biomedical research. I was sort of like, that's what I'm going to be doing. I'm going to be doing that kind of stuff. And if I had stuck to that, that would be a very different plan.
But if we go from the point where, like funniest guy at Johns Hopkins. Yeah. He's like, hey, look at me. I'm making this, this is his stomach talk. I cut him open and now it's a mouth. Whoa.
But if we go from the point where, after I was like, well, you know what, I think I'm going to give this a go and did not have a major in chemistry or biology or anything like that and had already gone out in the world and then things didn't work out. That is, I think, is a trickier question of like, well, I already put my eggs in this comedy basket and it didn't work. Then what would I be doing? Probably advertising. It's like a very, it's like an adjacent thing to doing the kind of writing you'd be doing, but just a less satisfying one.
Sure. Jess, how about you? Was there a road not taken?
Well, growing up, I wanted to be an astronaut, but that didn't happen. I was really into space and science, but I realized that I get motion sickness very easily, so I would have never made it through the training. Although, I think I'm the right height, 5'10". I think you're supposed to be an astronaut. Being an astronaut's crazy. Well, I'm not one.
Get up with that. No, no. I mean, with things like that, because it's not just like, you could be like, it's like, wow, you are the most, you're the smartest engineer we've ever had. You're a survivalist. You know how to get it by. And it's like, yeah, you're four feet tall. It's like, well, whoops. There goes that dream. I mean, I feel like you kind of have to have a crazy cowboy personality, plus be a scientist, plus you have to be a little bit of everything to be an astronaut.
And 5'10". And 5'10", perfect 10.
Although, I still, whenever I hear about, we're going to send a group of people to Mars, I'm like, I would definitely go. If someone asked me, or if I could apply, what else am I doing? Why the fuck would I not go to Mars? I would, you know, heartbeat me. Oh, you might go and die. Well, I'm going to die on this planet. Who gives a shit? I'll at least get to be like, oh, Mars was nice. Yeah, if I get the option, that's what I do. I'll die for Mars. Definitely, bury me on Mars.
We should have sent a poet. But we don't have any poets, but we've got a sketch comedian.
That's fine, too. What if Mars ate ass? Frankie, was there...
No, because I majored in television, and I don't have any other skills, truly. Like, I really don't know what else I'm good at. What about fashion? No, I'm very bad at that. I guess I could have been a lawyer, according to my mom. I really don't know.
I used to work at, like, a breast implant company. They make Botox and breast implants, yes.
You have to tell... You have to elaborate on those. The chap likes medical engineering, so that...
Oh, here we are. Yeah, I was, like, in charge of filing. It was a temp job, but I could have worked my way up, I guess, and sold breast implants to people. Oh, you were a salesman. Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, I would have been very bad.
But yeah, so, I don't know. That's a good answer.
Boobies, right? Yeah. I'd be a boobie seller. We all love a boobie. Yeah, that old classic tale, you know. TV didn't work out. I'd sell boobs door to door.
This is like Howard Stern. This really is like Howard Stern. And with that... I keep thinking of the episode of Howard Stern where they blow into the thing and the woman gets an orgasm on her speaker.
Or it's not an episode. It's in the movie. Do you guys remember the movie Private Parts? I know. Called Giamatti, Howard Stern. I never saw it.
So in one of them, he has a woman sit on a speaker and blows into it from his radio station and gives her a report card. Because with the vibrations. Yeah, you could do that to someone on their laptop right now. There's a...
Grant, what would you have done if you weren't doing this? If I weren't trying to... If you weren't doing whatever this is, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was always thinking about medical school. Okay. In fact, during college, I got a job cleaning operating rooms after surgery. Disgusting. To get some hospital experience. And I would have been a poor doctor.
They have to... No, too many things. They have to have skills that are demonstrable in that they save lives.
And I'm more verbal than most doctors are allowed to be. But you could have been the second funniest person at Johns Hopkins. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, and with that, I think we're about out of time. Thank you. Sorry.
No, I had a great time. It was just so good. Every second of this. This is so good.
But we want to thank you guys for watching. Make sure you are subscribed to Dropout where you can get this podcast early. If you're watching us on CH2, you're a cheapskate and you're wasting our time.
We're not interested. My goodness. We're not interested. You guys aren't welcome. No, our favorite people are the ones you just described at Dropout.
Oh, right. Oh, fuck. Yes, yes, yes.
On Dropout, you can chat with us on an exclusive Dropout Discord where you can leave us Q&A questions that we might answer on this podcast. Or hell, we might just answer it in the moment. There's a whole channel to ask the cast.
But thank you guys so much, and have a lovely evening. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
SaturdayNightLive | college_presidents_cold_open_snl | You're watching C-span. later, is Taylor Swift now dating Marco Rubio? But first, testimony from three university presidents on the subject of antisemitism on college campuses. Honor, please, thank you. we're joined today by the heads of three of our most esteemed universities, the President of Mit, Sally Kornbluth. I've never been more afraid to be anywhere. the President of Upenn, Elizabeth Mcgill. Can I just resign Now? Not yet. And the President of Harvard, Dr. Claudine Gay.
Thank you. Dr. Gay, would you like to do a quick joke about your name to get it out of the way? I would. Dr. Gay sounds like a Molly dealer on Fire Island. Thank you.
Now, I'm gonna start screaming questions at these women like I'm Billie Eichner. enter nay. I'm sorry, What? yes or no is calling for the genocide of Jews against the code of conduct for Harvard. Well, it depends on the context. What? that can't be your answer, you pen lady. same question, yes or no. Well, we are serious about stopping all forms of hatred, antisemitism, islamophobia. that's the second one. And my tea lady, chance to steal. And keep in mind, if you don't say yes, you're gonna make me look good, which is really, really hard to do. So, I'll ask you straight up. do you think genocide is bad? could I submit an answer in writing at a later date? Am I winning this hearing?
Somebody pinch me. Ms. Stefanik, your time is up. Oh, thank God. the chair recognizes gentlemen from Michigan. thank you. I yield my time back to Ms. Stefanik. damn it.
I am here today because hate speech has no place on college campuses. hate speech belongs in Congress, on Elon Musk's Twitter, in private dinners with my donors, and in public speeches by my work husband, Donald Trump. So, Dr. Gay, simple question. is it acceptable for students to use antisemitic language? on this subject, I'd like to speak not from the heart, but from the thesaurus. that type of hateful speech is personally abhorrent to me. And could you rephrase that in an even more academic way? Sure. that variety of odious oration is vis-a-vis me, repugnant. Now, what measures are you taking to protect Jewish students at Harvard? we're taking precautions to protect all students. Jewish students, Muslim students. just the first one. this is personal for me. while I am not Jewish, I'm Roman Catholic, some of my closest friends are also Roman Catholic. So, you pen lady, would you say that you are anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-semitic? I'm sorry, can you tell me how many antis that was? I will not. you're asking us questions that seem very unfair.
Oh, thank you. the chair recognizes Mr. Takano from California. Thank you, chairwoman.
So to clear things up, what does violate the code of conduct at your schools? And what about if someone on campus yelled, I poisoned the water supply? if they poisoned it with diversity, that could be wonderful. diverse water, it sounds delicious. Okay, and what if they yelled, i've got a knife? Well, maybe they have a lisp and they're saying i have a knife bouquet of flowers for you. as long as the flowers are diverse, I accept. Okay, and what if they yelled, fire in a crowded theater? I'd be excited the theater was crowded because I support the arts. Oh my God, can you take a moral stance on anything? can anyone here say yes to a single question?
Uh, yes, hello. I am the President of the University of Phoenix online. and I am willing to say yes to anything. See, see, finally, a Real President of a Real University. that's actually our school motto. U of P, we are a real University.
And will you promise to eliminate all antisemitism from your campus? Well, my campus is the internet, so antisemitism is kind of our most popular major and our mascot is porn. Okay, then will you offer a course explaining why antisemitism is wrong? Lady, we'll offer a course on anything. the only mandatory courses we have are how to log in to the University of Phoenix online and how to set up auto paint.
Thank you. somehow, that was the only straight answer I caught all day. Well, please don't say the answer was straight. you don't know what the answer's sexual orientation is. Thank you, that's all the time we have. this was all very useless. not for me. for me, it was very useful.
I had a great time. I'm the Hanukkah gift no one wanted. And live from New York, it's Saturday! ["saturday!" theme music plays in the background.] |
ClickHole | learn_to_play_the_way_you_feel_when_your_daughter_says_she_hates_you_on_guitar | Hey guys, I'm back with another Rick Plays Guitar lesson. Today we'll be learning how to play what you feel when your daughter says she hates you. So like we learned a few lessons back, let's form an A minor chord. A minor will really accentuate the fact that your daughter, the thing that you love most in the entire world, refuses to make eye contact with you anymore. Okay, so let's strum this chord. And as we use an alternating picking method, reflect on how your 12 year old daughter told you to fuck yourself when you said she couldn't go to Amanda's party. Excellent! Now a number of variations here. If your daughter also flipped you off as she stomped up the stairs to her room, convert the chord to an A suspended 4th. To do that, just slide your finger on the 5th string up to the 3rd fret. 3 being the number of times she called you a useless loser when you tried to talk to her later that night during dinner. Or use an A augmented 7th if she said she wished she'd never been boring. And if your daughter who hates you is under 10, be sure to put a capo on the 4th fret. Now let's form a G chord and try to fight back the regret for spending all those late nights at work. Of course you need to miss plays, recitals, basketball games. And for what? As you're strumming this G chord, let your mind wander back to the time when your daughter was 7 and had to write an essay about her hero for school.
She chose you. Use this happy memory as a benchmark for just how far you've fallen with your little girl. Good! Okay, so let's give the whole progression a try. A minor first. You had her when you were young. You put your life, change to the C chord, on hold to raise her. And then just yesterday, D minor here, you're picking her up at the pizza place.
G chord. Looking good. She doesn't see you at first and you hear, back to that C chord, her telling her best friend Amanda, finished with the E chord, that you're a worthless loser. Excellent! Okay, so next we're going to practice some more scales. First thing to do is... Hi Amanda!
I just got home. No, I can talk. My dad is just recording one of his stupid videos. Um, okay.
You want to go up to the 10th fret. I don't know how long it will come. I'm probably grounded.
And that's the lesson. No lesson next week.
I have to meet with my wife's attorney.
As always, keep strumming. Thanks for watching! |
cracked | why_gandalf_is_the_most_overrated_wizard_ever_today_s_topic | So I know I asked you out before, and I know you said no before. We both know that, so there's no need to review it.
Talk like a big boy.
Do you want to see the Hobbit? The Hobbit?
As in Back in the Habit? As in Sister Act 2 Back in the Habit?
Or that old magician guy. F*** that guy. Half Gandalf?
He's like the coolest character ever. He's king of the wizards. Not when he's wearing the gray robe. When he's wearing the gray robe, he's like a second class wizard. He's like the peasant of the wizards. And even when he gets promoted to the white robe, he's really terrible at his job. There's a little more to wizardry and magicianship than robe color.
You'd understand that if you did Taekwondo in middle school. Okay, first of all, way to come back from that date rejection buddy up top. But secondly, didn't he spend like most of the first movie I'd captured or dead?
Well yeah, he's fighting Saruman, like the most evil wizard ever. And the Balrog. He gets a pass. He shall not get one. The only reason that they had to fight the Balrog was because Gandalf stopped to read a book when they were trying to flee Maria. And then the f***ing dumb midget made a bunch of noise because like of course he did. And none of that would have happened if Gandalf had just stayed on task. He killed the Balrog. He killed it. It's a draw. He cancels it out.
Does it? Really? Gandalf's master ploy was to collapse the bridge while standing on it. What?
Why couldn't he just cross to the other side, then collapse the bridge, then help some more? He knew that he needed to die and be reborn for like a bonus, like a power-up.
So what does Gandalf actually do once he gets the white robe and the beard? He wins the battle of Helms Deep! He gets the army of Rohan to fight for him in it. Okay, so he gets a bunch of horse vikings. Way to use that white dress. Horse vikings that win the battle.
They save countless lives from darkness and death. Except for everyone that dies. That's war.
If you're gonna defeat a giant eyeball that's evil, you're gonna have to break a few eggs. And smaller, nicer eyeballs. But they didn't need to.
Either way, I'm glad you said no. Then we're not. So. Ew. Well, a member when the Grey Wizard used his giant eagle buddies to escape from the White Wizard? That happened way before they devised the Great Plan to send a bunch of shorties thousands of miles across land by foot. What?
I am member Lord of the Rings. Well, why couldn't Gandalf have gotten his carrier eagles to take Frodo back to the volcano and just drop the ring in? Better yet, why even bother with Frodo? The ring could have flown straight from the Shire to the 45 minute epilogue and saved everybody from everything that happens in all three of the movies. Gandalf is just a big dumb dummy.
Okay.
It'll just be dinner and a movie. And if it comes to it, I'm pretty decent kissing in the French style. Are you trying to change the subject back to me not going out with you? Yeah, it's way less painful than whatever this is.
No. But you heard what I said about the French, their kissing thing, right? Hmm. Well, no. But I mean, how would you know? Hey, no. Can I fire you? Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want me to say something?
Oh, okay. I'm just so used to you only caring about what I'm wearing or my boobs or what I look like. Okay. I'll tell you what. How about you click subscribe and we'll forget this whole thing ever happened. You like that. |
dropout | philip_seymour_hoff_men | So what did you do with the body? Please relax. You sound like my dad.
Hey! Hey, guys. Hey, Philip.
Wow, what are you doing? Just playing a new video game, man. Oh, cool. Hey, Jake, can I show you something real quick? Yeah, in a second, though. I'm kind of busy. It's kind of important if you want. It just takes to be so quick. Okay, fine. Don't unpause it. Oh, wow, man. You painted the back room. Yeah, yeah.
This is awesome. You like it? You think it's cool? Yeah, it looks great.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on! What are you doing?
Oh, sorry. I just really... You look at me sometimes. No, okay, Phil. I'm not like that. I'm not. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jake. I apologize.
That's all right. I'm going to go back and play video games. You okay? Yeah, I'm all right.
Stupid. Yeah, it is stupid.
Hey, Vin. Do you want to come check something out real quick? Right now? Yeah, yeah. Just... I want to take like two seconds. I have something to show you.
Okay, okay. Yeah, come on. Here, here, here. Yeah, keep coming. Here, here, here. All right. All right, open your eyes. Wow, why am I here?
Yeah, I cleaned the conference room. I cleaned it for you. It's a fucking mess in here. Yeah, it is a fucking mess. Fucking mess, but I could make it... I could trash it if you wanted to.
More. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What? What, what, what?
So, wait, you changed? I'm sorry, you changed my phone number? Whoa, man, what gives?
Oh, I'm sorry. It's all right. Just calm down.
I just thought you liked me. I do like you, man.
I am sorry. I am crazy right now. I am so wasted. It's all right, okay. Wait, you don't drink? Sorry, Pat. Sorry.
Phil, this just doesn't... Keep going. Keep going, okay? You look great. What? It just doesn't...
I think when you watch it and play back, you're gonna see you look great. You look great. Thanks, man. You look fucking great. And I got this shirt. Do I look cool? Yeah, you look cool. I just don't know if the scene is cool.
Oh my... Yo, Phil. Sorry. I'm a fucking idiot. You're not a fucking idiot. I'm sorry.
It's okay, man. Let's just hug it out and do another take. Okay. I love you. Okay.
Do you want to kiss me? I don't want to kiss you.
You're stupid. It's okay. Jesus Christ. No, I don't have a... No.
I'm gonna fuck. What? Oh, yeah. Oh, I can hear this so good. Oh, I want to fuck with him.
No, I don't want to. I don't want to.
I'm sorry. |
TheOnion | Man_Didn_t_Expect_Sex_With_Prostitute_Would_Be_So_Emotionally_Fulfilling | Shortly after having sexual intercourse with a prostitute earlier this afternoon, local man Jacob Reynolds told reporters that he never expected the experience would bring him to new heights of emotional and spiritual fulfillment. Yeah, I had no idea I'd feel so great. I mean, I was convinced that having sex with a complete stranger behind my wife's back would leave me feeling drained and empty on the inside. But my self-esteem is through the roof. I feel really tremendous. I mean, I just wanted to get off, you know, but it is. Reynolds, who said he paid $150 for a 30-minute block of time, said that his moderate expectations for the encounter were instantly surpassed by what turned out to be a deeply personal sexual communion that transported him to a new plane of emotional intimacy. Playing for sex is supposed to make you feel dirty and insecure, but nope. I was in charge the whole time, and actually, I've never felt a stronger sense of spiritual connection. I mean, when our bodies met, there was an immediate sense of familiarity and comfort that just washed over me. Honestly, I think it was the most meaningful experience of my life. |
dropout | the_truth_about_hymens_and_sex_adam_ruins_everything | What's a hymen? Okay, it's a bit of girl that covers the vaginal area until she has sex. Yes, a freshness seal. Do not consume if open. Sorry. Yeah, that's what a lot of people think. People picture the hymen like it's one of those paper banners at a sports game. They think it covers up a lady's vagina, and then when she has sex for the first time, it gets busted.
Two's pretty accurate. Yep, let's go play video games.
No, you don't. Everything about that is wrong. Okay, think about it.
If our hymen's completely sealed our vaginas, where would our periods go? I mean, we'd blow up like the Blueberry Girl and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oh yeah, and where would you pee? You know we don't pee out of our vaginas, right? We pee out of our urethras, which is a separate hole.
You're a health teacher. And our school district is very underfunded.
So that's how many holes total? The hymen is actually a thin, stretchy bit around the vagina. In most women, our hymen's have an opening that's big enough for tampons fingers. And yes, getting busy.
But it's not like a barrier. It's more like gay... balloon arch. Okay, but doesn't the hymen break the first time you have sex? Like, doesn't it hurt? It doesn't have to. It might, if you're not careful with it.
Oh, oh fudge. I damaged the balloon arch. Oh my God.
But it can also tear from doing the splits or just living our lives. Even then, hymen's can heal. And a lot of them never even get torn in the first place. One study found that 52% of sexually active teenage women had intact hymen's.
Really? Yeah. Hymen, as you understand it, is a straight up myth. Okay, Emily, are you sure about that?
Maybe you should call in an expert. Yeah, that's a good call. That's what I usually do, so... How's this for an expert? Good point.
I feel bad. Our bodies don't come with built-in virginity detectors, and sex isn't supposed to hurt the first time. But this horrible idea is everywhere in our culture. From ska bands... Ugh, bad name. To popular TV shows.
So there's a good chance that Megan was never raped. Sir Megan's medical records. And intact hymen. She's a virgin.
Even the New York Times gets it wrong. The Times knows more about regional politics in Finland than the female body.
Honestly, the worst part is the word daddy. Yeah, that is inappropriate. It gets way worse than band names. In some parts of the world, women are forced to show government officials that their hymen is intact. If they don't, they can be denied jobs, barred from making rape accusations, even thrown in jail. Sorry, Adam. I know that this is usually the point where you do some cute visual gag. Ah, skip it. That's awful. Really, really awful. Yeah. Virginity exams are straight up sexual assault. And they don't even prove anything because...
The Times has done it! We're back! Physically speaking, virginity doesn't exist. It's just something we made up to be mean to women. Like entourage. Wow, I learned something. That felt great.
I feel taller. Do I look taller?
Glad to help. Anyways, it's time for you to go. Well, Emily, you know, usually I do more of a wrap-up than that. Nope. Hit the road.
It's date night and clock's ticking. Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you like that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Reen's Everything, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on TruTV. It's going to ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. |
cracked | 6_30_rock_jokes_in_60_seconds | Hey Liz, how's the telescope? I don't know Kelsey, how's your mom's pill addiction?
I have the strip club story from this week and I need to tell you Jackie D, it is disgusting. But I can't because I got this little d-bag here. I know what that means. And yet you won't tell me. New York is overrated. Three bucks, two bags, one me. Say, where does a young prostitute get started in this town? Beyonce and I keep arguing about our wedding plans and- Nope, your fiance is gay.
Look at him, look at you, classic case of fruit blindness. Fruit blindness.
I see you and now I have an unemployed father. You trying to make a stereotype out of me? Did you even vote for Obama? We've heard from Tracy Jr. Where is your mother? She said she had to take a spa week at Canyon Ranch before my dad broke it in half. What that even supposed to mean? I shouldn't have to hear that, I'm a child.
How sex in the city are we right now? I'm Samantha, you're Charlotte, and you're the lady at home who watches it. |
cracked | how_taylor_swift_and_kanye_are_playing_you_cracked_responds | Hey, Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift, Kanye West, Battle of the Week or something. Week. Oh, it's drama.
It's amazing. Oh, it's amazing.
Famous comes out. Yeah, Kanye's song Famous on Life of Pablo. It turns out there is a line in there about T Swift where he says he made her famous and that he could possibly still sleep with her and she said, no, don't do that.
Right. And we're like, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, we were all like, oh yeah, you're offended and you're right to be. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
What a blind sighting by this mean jerk Kanye West. Until. Kim Kardashian says in an interview, no, no, no, no, no, no, listen, Taylor okayed all of that. She was in on it and now she's like flipping it around to make Kanye look bad. I hate that.
And the interviewer was like, okay, sure, fine. And Kim was like, and I have video to prove it. And so then receipts.
And then on Snapchat, if she in pieces releases a taped conversation between Kanye and Taylor on the phone, Taylor being like, oh yeah, those are the exact lyrics where you say that you're the only reason I'm famous and you could probably have sex with me. I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. I'll even go out later and tell people that we were kidding and it'll be really great. Hilarious. And so Taylor Swift is supposed to be a very innocent and wonderful person and maybe, but also is cunning and is like thinking this stuff out and that's not part of her brand and everybody's freaking out.
Yeah. They're like, what? How could she what? Look back through her songs. This is kind of her M.O. is like being kind of the victim or like the nerd or like the bullied one. Like in You Can Belong With Me, she is comparing herself to a girl who wears short skirts and she wears t-shirts and she's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers. It's like, those are lyrics, I'm saying those lyrics.
And that's like just the beginning where it's like her constantly being like the loser, the victim, even shake it off is just about being like, everybody's a hater. And they're a player, but you just got to shake it off because everybody hates you.
Right. It's so catchy. I don't notice the aggression. Yeah.
It's a little bad. You know? It's a little bad.
She's in on it. Yeah. She's in on it. She keeps switching outfits and dancing and having a good time. And I'm like, oh, that's great. That's fun.
But I don't think about how it's like, uh, at Tube Rute, like everyone is after me. Yeah. And I'm gonna push through it. You just got to shake it off.
She gets into a lot of feuds and plays a victim a lot. And I'm wondering if this is the, I mean, I don't know why people are surprised because everything is about feuds. Everything is about feuds.
Well, I think, yeah, that's part of why people are so excited, I think, because they're like, I always knew and now there's evidence that like, she is. Yeah. Or their brain. It's like in, it's like in a beautiful mind where suddenly people are like, this song, this song, this song, this song, this song, and this makes sense. Oh my God. This is a fabricated thing. Oh, wow. Right. We all run into our front yards at the same time.
Like I know. I know.
She might not be as genuine as we thought she was. Don't we wrong?
Famous has us issues. I'm a huge Kanye West fan, okay, with pretty much everything he's been criticized for ever from, from what he said about the hurricane to the golden toilets at his wedding, everything. The famous video is very troubling to me.
It seems like you should not be able to build nude models of people and broadcast them without their permission, like without getting arrested, right? Like that's a, that's a crime crime, right?
I hope it's not for his sake, but it seems like it is. It just shouldn't. Man, come on. But it happened. Also, Donald Trump can't wear enough clothes. You know what? Please. I don't need to see it like that. Oh my God. That was the part that really got me.
I never wanted to, and now I have. Not cool, Kanye.
Everything's on fire with these celebrities. Where do Kanye and Taylor and the clear winner, Kim, go from here? Honestly, I think they all succeed. I think this was, this is tremendously planned. I think, you know, Kanye's album is now, front runner, focused there. Everybody's going to listen to Famous again, a couple times, you know? And then also, Kim's show, this was like promoted on all of her shows on the cover of a magazine, like this puts Kim more in the spotlight, and now Taylor also majorly in the spotlight. I think that we are the puppets, and that they are making us feel all these feels. I can't deny any, like Kim even waited until Game of Thrones was over to do this.
Which is a great move. Really smart. Wow. Yeah. They control us. So they win. I'm one of these. I'm like, oh, how, like, I'm just being like, tell me more about them. Tell me what else they've had a feud about. Oh, I love it. Typing like puppets. You know, like, they all win. And then, I think they're still friends, and they're like, you know, I think in the privacy of not being filmed on Snapchat, they're like, that was a good move. That was a really good move. Yeah. I love how you did that. Follow them and crack on Snapchat. It's great. Really good.
Hey, thank you so much for watching. Please do all the YouTube things, and let us know in the comments what you think the next drama is going to be.
Yeah. Who's going to fight who? Or. The big three. Yeah. Like, if it's them, what else is going to come out?
I'm going to pitch, I don't know, maybe an Instagram pic that fires off a Snapchat filter that insults everyone. Through a vine that I will periscope. On Twitter, the nerd, or like the bullied one. Like, you belong with me, she is comparing herself to a girl who wears short skirts, and she wears t-shirts, and she's your captain, and I'm on the bleachers. It's like, those are lyrics, I'm saying those lyrics, and that's like just the beginning where it's like her constantly being like, the loser, the victim, even shake it off is just about being like, everybody's a hater, and they're a player, but you just got to shake it off, because everybody hates you, right? It's so catchy, I don't notice the aggression.
Yeah, it's a little bad. You know? It's a little bad.
She's in on it. Yeah. She's in on it. She keeps switching outfits and dancing and having a good time, and I'm like, oh, that's great. That's fun.
But I don't think about how it's like, at Tube Rute, like everyone is after me, and I'm going to. You just got to shake it off. Push through it.
She gets into a lot of feuds, and plays the victim a lot, and I'm wondering if this is the, I mean, I don't know why people are surprised, because everything is about feuds. Everything is about feuds.
Well, I think, yeah, that's part of why people are so excited, I think. Because they're like, I always knew, and now there's evidence that like, she is. Yeah, or their brain, that's like, it's like in a beautiful mind, where suddenly people are like, this song, this song, this song, release this song, and this makes sense.
Oh my god, this is a fabricated thing. Oh, wow.
Right. We all run into our front yards at the same time, like, I know. I know.
She might not be as genuine as we thought she was. Don't be wrong, famous has us issues. I'm a huge Kanye West fan. I'm okay with pretty much everything he's been criticized for ever, from what he said about the hurricane to the golden toilets at his wedding, everything. The famous video is very troubling to me.
It seems like you should not be able to build nude models of people, and broadcast them without their permission, like, without getting arrested. Yeah. Right? Like, that's a crime crime, right? I hope it's not, for his sake, but it seems like it is. It just shouldn't happen. Man, come on. But it happened. Also, Donald Trump can't wear enough clothes. You know what? Please. I don't need to see it like that.
Oh my god. That was the part that really got me. I never wanted to, and now I have.
Not cool, Kanye. Everything's on fire with these celebrities. Where do Kanye and Taylor and the clear winner, Kim, go from here?
Honestly, I think they all succeed. I think this is tremendously planned. I think... Oh, yeah.
So, Kanye's album is now, front runner, focus there. Everybody's gonna listen to Famous again, a couple times, you know? And then, also, Kim's show. This was promoted on all of her shows on the cover of a magazine. This puts Kim more in the spotlight, and now, Taylor, also, majorly in the spotlight.
I think that we are the puppets, and that they are making us feel all these feels. I can't deny any of it. Kim even waited until Game of Thrones was over to do this.
Which is a great move. Really smart. Great move. Wow. They control us. So, they win.
I'm just one of these. I'm just like, oh, how are... I'm just being...
Like, tell me more about them. Tell me what else they've had a feud about.
Oh, I love it. Oh, man. I think, like, puppets. You know? Like, they all win. And then, I think they're still friends, and they're like, you know, I think in the privacy of not being filmed on Snapchat, they're like, that was a good move. That was a really good move. Yeah. I love how you did that. Follow them and Cracked on Snapchat. It's great. Really good. Hey, thank you so much for watching.
Please do all the YouTube things, and let us know in the comments what you think the next drama is going to be. Yeah. Who's going to fight who? Or... The big three. Yeah. Like, if it's them, what else is going to come out?
I'm going to pitch, I don't know, maybe an Instagram pic that fires off a Snapchat filter that insults everyone. Through a vine that I will periscope. On Twitter. |
cracked | sexism_and_lightsaber_safety_adventures_in_jedi_school | Needless to say, the entire first year is safety. The second year is safety and maintenance. The third year is block. The fourth year is on the fifth year, 22 years.
Welcome to Temple Academy. You will each be in charge of your own practice handle until you receive your real lightsaber at year 18. The rest of the training is mostly running through the woods and stuff with me on your back and junk.
And hello little girl. Are you lost Princess? What are you doing here? I'm Sessa.
I'm going to be a Jedi Knight. Ladies can't be Jedi Knights. Maybe you meant to say nice diplomat or pretty dancer. Leia Organa Solo was a Jedi Knight. Mara Jade Skywalker was a Jedi Knight.
Oh, cool. The chosen one's daughter and stepdaughter. How shitting convenient. Name one other Jedi.
Luke. Ben. Mr. Guy. Yoda. Voila. Umm. In. Brad. Listen, old man.
I can groom on a Rambo from a parsec away and under two parsecs. I can say hi and only hi in three million languages and I bet you 100 money. I'll ace any test you got. Make it a million money.
Female child because women lack the M1, MM9 enzyme that breaks down chronobenduate the virus that inhibits midichlorians, the magic bugs that live in our blood from speaking to the force biologically. You cannot be a Jedi.
Then what's she doing here? I have you know I am here because of nepotism. So if you're not a princess or my sister, I'm afraid I'm forced to insist that you leave. You have been insisted to leave magically. Okay. I'm an empress, okay?
My dads were emperors on the planet Eeg-7 but they died when I was baby H. My parents died too, yesterday. Dead parents twins.
Hi. I'm jake sunmurder. I'm a be a Jedi knight. That's the stupidest name I could possibly imagine. Hello. My name is Randy Carmzian. And he is Master Unky Mudmud and I am Villian Tuan Ali-O-Ah. Sit down jank. Point taken everyone else, we all have stupid names. Yes the yellow boy, what? Hello.
I have a question. What is the grading scale here? Do or do not do. There is no try. Okay sure. If for instance I don't try but do and he tries and does, what would the difference in our grades be? What's the curve? Tell me the odds.
It's more of a feeling than a curve. A sense. Oh it's less helpful than you seem to think.
Any other question? When do we get our lights safe? Okay let's get started.
May the M1MM9 enzyme that breaks down chronobenduate allowing your midichlorians to speak to the force be with you.
Okay so the G and L power couplings are going to be your best friends. Let's say that you are stranded on the beaches planet Gwyn and all you have are your boost stabilizers. Now your power converters are, please save all of your questions until after class. When is like force class? I'm teaching you very important things about how to survive in the universe jank.
Yeah but I thought this was jedi school and I missed my parents funeral for this so. Fine fine I want to let's just fine yippee. You know my master wants to use the force. By light of nothing by dark of bright the jedi way we look we are protect jedi good. Yes that is nothing jedi code no not the. And the practice saber get it back at the end of the day and if I see you try another stunt like that I'm going to send you straight to headmaster evil's office huh you don't want that huh scary guy.
That is not to scale by the way okay and you little girl you owe me a million money. Just kidding we'll try again tomorrow baby good job.
I mean I would have caught it. You wouldn't have caught it.
Okay guys so it's a period of civil war right rebel space ships striking from a hidden base have won their first victory against the evil galactic empire. What I'm doing here why am I holding this book. |
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