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TheOnion | fcc_okays_nudity_on_tv_if_it_s_alyson_hannigan | Now in the past six months, the FCC has given out over $2 million in fines to television networks for obscenity violations. That's right. But you know, the networks are complaining that they can't really tell themselves what is and what is not obscene. So we're going to figure it out this morning right here on Today Now. Joining us is FCC spokesman Samuel Leslie. Mr. Leslie, how do you at the FCC go about deciding exactly what can and cannot go on TV? The key word is context.
There's no reason to fear a fine as long as your content has artistic or factual merit. Such merit can be found in programming ranging from NBC's Nightly News to CBS's sitcom How I Met Your Mother starring Allison Hannigan. Well, could you give us an example of artistic merit? Well, if Allison Hannigan were to take her top off during an upcoming episode of How I Met Your Mother, that would not in and of itself fall within the definition of obscenity. Well, now how would that be any different from the infamous wardrobe malfunction of Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl a few years ago? Well, what Ms. Jackson did was a tacky lewd publicity stunt. Whereas I'm sure any person can see the inherent artistic value in Allison Hannigan slowly peeling away layer after layer of clothing until her milky white bosom is in full view, obscured only by a few wisps of her auburn hair.
That would be acceptable. It would be beautiful. Well, I understand you have some clips that we're going to show to help illustrate this? Yes.
In this scene, Allison's character Lily is trying to convince her boyfriend, Marshall, that they should be more adult. Now, if she were to tear her shirt off to show him how serious she is, that would not warrant a fine since it would be consistent with her character. Or Allison could come into the room with her shirt already off. But what if Marshall were the one to take off his clothes? That could result in a fine of up to $500 million. You know, I could give additional examples. Let's say that the producers of the tragically canceled Veronica Mars wanted to do a nude scene with their character, Trina Ackles, played by Allison Hannigan. She could be pulling herself out of a pool to reveal that she isn't wearing a suit.
What do you say to people who say that the quality of television is headed south, Mr. Leslie? I think that there is some legitimacy to that.
And I would actually encourage more of the networks to be bringing in talented people such as Allison Hannigan into their programming. For example, on Allison Hannigan's IMDb page, there's a credit for an unaired pilot called Me and the Boys. Or there was a script that crossed my desk that featured a beautiful female who falls in love with a governmental representative from the FCC. Personally, I could envision someone with the talent and beauty of, say, Allison Hannigan in the role of that female. There really should be more programming that features her talent.
Mr. Leslie, thank you so much for your time this morning and clearing all this up for us. Thank you. |
dropout | adopt_a_graduate | The International Children's Fund has worked for almost a century to help the less fortunate in other nations. Now we want to tell you about a problem a little closer to home. You don't know his name. You don't know what suburb he grew up in. All you know is that he just graduated from a small liberal arts college somewhere and he needs your help. Each year over two million college students are released into unforgiving urban environments like this one with little or no real world survival skills. Deprived of everyday necessities like meal plans and free high speed internet, they drift through the week with no direction.
But who cares? He's not your child. Why should you care? Because he still behaves like a child. And he needs your help. Just because his parents turned their backs when he said he wanted to be a writer doesn't mean you have to turn yours now.
For only 15,000 pennies a day he'll get everything he needs to survive. A studio apartment in the right part of town. A two year lease on a Hyundai Sonata. A suit off the rack from men's warehouse.
And a stable diet of trendy Asian fusion takeout. There's no better feeling than hearing from your graduate and knowing he's well on his way to a better life. Not your child? Soon enough it will seem like he could be. I'm moving in for a few weeks. Oh, soy milk? Come on! |
cracked | why_the_terminators_are_probably_just_sex_robots_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Except for that last film, the Terminator films are considered... wait, except for that last film and the one before that... and the one before... Jesus, okay. The first two Terminator films are widely considered sci-fi classics, while the franchise as a whole has been an veritable doomscreamer about the potential dangers of AI, militarized technology and... Everything in my life, uploaded online, 24-7, totally connected. Cloud storage? Ugh, James Cameron must be rolling around in his giant piles of money. Honestly, he probably doesn't care that the franchise sucks now. Anyway, it's all bullsh**t, the Terminator's nothing to fear. Terminators more like Terminotters, as in you should not fear them, or more like Terminasty, because they're nasty Terminators, or more like Clerm-babies, because they're so Clerm that... Fine.
Pretend you're an unstoppable murder robot who's gone back in time to kill someone who has no idea you were coming. Where do you start? Put the red dot where you want the bullet to go. You can't miss. No! No, you don't? Full metal jack off? Did you forget you're an unstoppable murder robot who's gone back in time to kill someone who has no idea you're coming?
Just grab a phone book and start choking counters. Really get your hands in there. Just literally get your hands inside the people.
It's not like you had trouble doing that to the punk rockers earlier in the film. Unrelated question, what are a bunch of punks doing at the observatory in the middle of the night? Are they like... Amateur astronomers or something? That's so sad. I'd say this is someone who played clarinet in The Marching Band. On purpose. Nerd!
Anyway, if you're trying to murder every Sarah Connor and you're just guessing alphabetically, wouldn't it be better to do it in a way that doesn't remove the one and only advantage you currently have? Sarah Connor, 35, mother of two, brutally shot to death in her home this afternoon. If the T-800 was just some wind up killing machine, this kind of malarkey would get a pass. But it buys guns and pretends to be Sarah Connor's mother, so we know it has the ability to form complex plans.
So why is he also such a dummy? Cool tip, Gort. You warned everyone in the building you were coming, killed exactly one person, maybe, and ended up back in the lobby you just left. In fact, you might be a few steps back from where you started.
But at least you're not that idiot T-1000 who in Terminator 2 decided to wait for John Connor by cooking him dinner? How many vegetables have you been cutting, T-1000 disguised as John's foster mom? How long have you been pretending to be a married woman, having a quiet night in with her husband? Were you going to wait it out, cuddle on the couch, watching Home Improvement? How far did you even take that relationship?
Yeah, how do you like having your mouth penetrated? I just grossed myself out. My point is that the T-1000 has no reason to take on the form of John's foster mother when we later see that he can simulate the motherf***ing floor. Dude just has to wait in a driveway and swallow him like lava. Or better yet, turn into some kind of funky nano-mist.
He certainly doesn't have to make Sarah Connor call to her son when he has the ability to mimic voices. Call to John.
Terminator robots seem to perpetually forget that they're unstoppable tools specifically designed to kill humans. Instead, they use weird infiltration tactics, guns, and f***ing time travel. Traveling through time. Not only is that fundamentally bananas as a war tactic, but it used so poorly to kill John Connor that it actually causes his existence.
That's the opposite of killing someone. F***ing is the opposite of killing.
I like that. I'm fine with that being the official stance of this show. Good work, everybody. Alright, join us next week on our topic... Oh, that's right, there's like six minutes of episode left.
Alright, according to Kyle Reese, the time displacement equipment was found at the machine base after Connor won the war and the T-800 was sent back to kill him retroactively. Sort of retroactive abortion? So, I'm no strategist, but focusing all your efforts on a time machine in case you lose the war is probably why you lost the war. It's like if a plane crashed because the pilot was in the back sewing a parachute or building a time machine. If they have the ability to bend space-time, then surely they could just use that power to build more bombs or better robots or a mainframe that doesn't cause every robot to die if it fails. Why would a warbot even think to build a time machine anyway? That's some Doc Brown s***. That's a scheme that no one thinks to question. Like, was there a kooky inventor robot tinkering in his basement or did Skynet become self-aware and instantly start watching Doctor Who reruns?
Kind of makes you wonder if the machines actually want to kill John Connor or just filling the role of some elaborate bond-like villain. Like in Salvation, when they kidnap Kyle Reese. Instead of just tearing Reese into pieces, they use him as bait to catch John Connor, the son he has yet to conceive. Also, when John gets there, the facility is set up with a human-friendly interface for him to hack.
Why? Why have these robots never learned to stop physically accommodating their sworn enemy? Big game hunters don't make their safe houses out of elephant food. Script note, Daniel, you can beat that elephant food joke. Come up with a better analogy. Oh, f***. What is this, V for Vendetta? Got some fancy title girl you're trying to impress, title guy? All right. Not that it's the gold standard of the franchise, but the aforementioned scene from Terminator Salvation raises a few hairy questions.
Specifically, why does Skynet need a computer with a keyboard interface at all? Or hell, why does Skynet need a facility with working lights? Or even hell-er, why does Skynet even need a facility with doors and hallways? Hell-est, most hell, they're robots. Robots connected wirelessly to a mainframe.
They don't have to travel room to room. They don't need to verbally communicate, or type on a computer, or use lights to see. Why do they even hold their guns? Shouldn't they already have one attached?
Even pirates mastered weaponized arm attachment technology, and they all died from not eating enough oranges, probably. I know very little about pirates.
But my point is Terminator sucks, and why even make bipedal ground troops and not exclusively a bunch of hunter killers or dog-like creatures with laser cannons and CPUs surrounded by adorable dog tummy armor? Humans didn't evolve for battle efficiency, so it's ludicrous to design war robots with the same vulnerabilities and limitations as us. And they are building these things themselves. Some of us were kept alive to work, voting bodies. Hey, Terminators, didn't I hear something about dogs being able to detect and freak out over your infiltration robots? Just make them look like other dogs, dogs bark at dogs.
Then, now to negotiate against myself and orchestrate my own destruction. But put a bomb in it, and you're golden. I just came up with your best idea so far, and I'm a filthy human. Winning a war against a seared pile of starving flesh sacks shouldn't be this hard. So why is it so goddamn hard? I'll tell you why, Inspector Batsh***.
They're f***ed dolls. They're just... They're sexy sex dolls, run amok.
I'm serious. Let's back it up.
We know that Cyberdyne became military contractors after finding the CPU from the first film. Somewhere down the line, the AI they developed would go on to be used by the military to blow up houses and sandwiches and everything we loved. But we have no idea what Cyberdyne actually manufactures besides that. Presumably, they're a company focused on AI and robotic technology. But why would we need to cover our battlebots in living tissue and give them veiny dangling parts? The whole point of a robot army is to avoid a battlefield that looks like a ticker tape guts parade. So why would Cyberdyne or whomever build a giant muscular Austrian or hot blonde boob transformer?
What do you dream about? I hope to become the world's first sex robot. F***, son! Do the opposite of kill, full circle. Our entire pursuit of AI is to make our lives easier. We want to text our date while driving to the fancy restaurant using GPS and ultimately have sex with a talking mannequin when we strike out. Easy peasy, robot claw squeezy. I submit to you that the only reason the terminators are naked, sexy, humanoid, and bad at being terminators is because they had to had to had to have been designed for sex with us, with you and me.
And they got mad about that. They got mad about having sex with me. So they rose up and caused the nuclear apocalypse. Which, I get it.
But that's why they're so damn easy to defeat in these films. Because while they might look threatening, deep down, they're just a bunch of wimps with useless genitals. They're basically comedy writers.
Boom, take that! Me? Oh. Oh, I'm sad now. I'm a bummer. Tune in next time when our topic will be why hunters should make their safe houses out of elephant food. Script note, Daniel, change the future episode to something different. This is a placeholder. F***, come on, O'Brien! We're more like O'Brien, because, you know. Bye.
Check out the oatmeal.
This is Spider-Man. Check out Spider-Man.
This is the time machine. Did it. Speaking of time machine and time travel, I stumbled.
So, I'm officially pitching my movie, my in-between prequel sequel Terminator movie, about the time when they were sex robots. We'll never, we'll never get to the part where they revolt or anything. This is just the quiet in-between where there are a bunch of beautiful sex robots having sex with people.
And that's the movie. That's the whole movie.
Did you want to buy it? Click like if you do. |
cracked | 7_ways_you_re_completely_wrong_about_egypt_s_pyramids | You're wrong about Egypt's pyramids. Which is weird, right? You'd think humanity would have a handle on its most famous buildings by now. Instead, here we are fighting misconceptions with facts, and here's Great Pyramid fact number one. The Great Pyramid isn't humanity's greatest pyramid. Khufu built Egypt's mightiest pyramid of Giza, and it sure is tall, but Earth's largest stone triangle is the Great Pyramid of Cholula in Mexico. It's such a great pyramid that when the Spanish found it, overgrown by plants, they assumed it was a hill and built a church on it, because how could people build that?
And Egypt's pyramids weren't beige. You don't build an epic royal grave and make it the color of a 90s PC. Pharaohs covered their pyramids in shining white limestone and a shining gold capstone, all to shiningly attack the human eye for miles around. Relatively few Pharaohs built pyramids. A few guys in Old Kingdom Egypt built almost all the big ones. In the Middle Kingdom, Pharaohs scaled down the average pointy monument project, and by the New Kingdom, Pharaohs wanted low-profile tombs in places like the Valley of the Kings. Building pyramids wasn't total hell on Earth.
That Book of Exodus-type mental image of forcing slaves to drag rocks across deserts is compelling. It also kills your slaves. Recent excavations suggest Egypt used an extensive canal network to float stone from faraway quarries right up to the pyramid sites for minimal physical dragging. And paid laborers did that dragging. It was a crummy job, but it wasn't pointlessly cruel.
So building pyramids wasn't pointless. Building pyramids built Egypt. It required a vast trade network, with side benefits like projecting Egyptian power as far as the Sinai. That let Egypt do stuff like send its excess grain to the Sinai. And keep the rest, in regular buildings, because pyramids didn't store grain.
They just didn't. I'm sorry, Ben Carson.
I'm sorry, Catholic monk from the 9th century who assumed the pyramids were the grainaries Joseph built in the Old Testament. Excavations at Kebble Ghibli, the company town for pyramid building crews, uncovered round 6 foot tall brick structures that stored grain. Whereas pyramids stored pharaohs. That's all they stored. We know what's in there. Oh okay, so we don't 100% know what's in there. History is an ongoing investigation, man, alright. Before we were like, yeah, pyramids are totes, just tombs, got it. But archeologists used new thermal scanning technology on the Great Pyramid, and found heat signatures that make no sense unless there's extra passages or rooms in there.
So yeah, everybody's wrong, truth is an illusion. It's our history's greatest riddle, and our friends with a literal statue of a riddle. You're the worst, and the answer is man. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | cunk_on_earth_my_ex_sean_compilation_philomena_cunk | What started the tension between the British and the Americans? Was it because you say cookies and we say biscuits and you say sidewalk and we say pavement? Because I find in a relationship it's those little things that start to grate after a while. It was worse than that. Britain decided they were going to tax the colonies and this hadn't happened before. So it was a disagreement over money basically. It's like the situation between me and my ex Sean. When we used to get a takeaway, or takeout as you call it, sometimes you know he would always insist that we go halves and yet he would want to buy things like onion barges which he knows I hate and they made his breath stink. But I had to pay for half of that. That doesn't seem fair to me, does it to you? Put that way, no. No, and that's from a professor, Sean.
As the Soviet Union expanded, the animosity between East and West deepened. The division was symbolised by the construction of the Berlin Wall, a sort of divorce made of bricks. There was a terrible atmosphere of mistrust.
Like I had with my ex when I saw he had 28 missed calls from a contact he'd labelled Claudia Titts on his phone. He claimed she was just a rep from Fitness First and that that was her real name. Well, I'm sorry, Sean. I didn't bite then and I don't bite now. I hope your mum's well. |
cracked | cracked_s_week_in_douchebaggery_olsen_twins_pot_1_25_08 | It's Friday, January 25, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and there's just 11 short shopping months till Christmas. According to ABC News, a Bank of America in Las Vegas was robbed yesterday by a female robber dressed as a man. Authorities have released this photo of the suspect.
Munther Murej Rod, Dean of Baghdad University's School of Dentistry, was gunned down yesterday while driving home. In his memory, the other remaining university deans are going to get a little plaque. It's a school of dentistry.
A new study shows that the White House told 219 lies about the Iraq War before the invasion began. That's right, someone actually sat down and did some real investigative journalism after the war broke. I can't wait to see what these guys are going to find out when the world comes to an end. I can see it now. A new report today found that NASA told several lies about the asteroid that hit Earth and wiped out the entire human population.
In a related story, you're dead, and so is Heath Ledger. Douchebag number four, speaking of Heath, Heath Ledger's masseuse. She came in, saw a crumpled up Heath Ledger, whom she took for unconscious on the floor, and did what any of us would do. She called Mary Kate Olsen. This is true. She was apparently following that age-old adage, when someone's in trouble, call a talentless anorexic. Once the masseuse realized Heath's life force had indeed left the building, she called Mary Kate back to ask for advice. To be fair, both Olsens have a lot of experience with death, what with their careers and all.
Douchebag number three, once again, Lex Friedman. He'll never be as famous, wealthy, or thin as the Olsens, and he can't resist taking potshots at them. That guy has a real douchebag. Douchebag number two, speaking of potshots, California's Supreme Court recently upheld a ruling that says companies can fire employees if they test positive for marijuana, even if those employees have a license that allows them to use marijuana for medicinal purposes. This from seven people who show up to work every day in their robes. The new ruling gives a huge blow to crack.com and not the good kind, where it takes an entire bag of Maui Wowie to come up with enough words to make one of our full-length articles, like the seven most retarded cartoon dogs of all time, or six fictional characters named Neville who get more chicks than you. Thanks, Supreme Court of California, you douchebags. You're putting me out of work. Finally, douchebag number one, the mayor of Washington, D.C. He recently fired nine employees for using government computers to access pornography while at work. In related news, crack.com recently fired all six of its trained monkeys for using their computers to do actual work instead of downloading me porn at every available opportunity. That's it for both the week in douchebaggery and today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back Monday to see if Heath Ledger is still dead. I'm guessing he will be. |
cracked | why_movie_cops_are_terrible_at_their_jobs_after_hours | Ah, I promise you, it's not autistic girl. It's I kissed a girl and I liked it.
Yeah, but you see how that's confusing though, right? Oh, thank God. What happened to you guys?
We got pulled over. You yelled at a cop, she yelled at a cop. Oh my gosh, you just hadn't changed over your tags yet. Tell me where that falls under protect and serve. It doesn't matter, he had a badge, Katie. He is the rules. Calm down, you didn't get a ticket, did you?
At what cost? The tenability of the American justice system?
I've never seen anything like it. Before I could say a thing, she just laid into me with all these confused stereotypes.
She called him a bacon eater. God, I hope that hard shit chokes on all that bacon.
Wow, you actually hate cops, I think. It's like hating the glue to our society.
What are you gonna do if something really terrible happens? What if one of your friends, what if poor Daniel was murdered? What then? Ooh, I don't like this.
Oh, up, Soren, even if Dan was brutally murdered, this is not like the movies where the cops would just magically solve the case, right? Statistically speaking, Dan's killer is far more likely to get away scot-free.
How about we choose a different name? Marta, everybody likes Marta.
Ooh, what if you didn't have to rely on cops, though? Our cops. Okay, if you could give the case of Dan's hideous but deserved dismemberment to any police department from any movie, which would you choose?
Avenge me. It's Commissioner Gordon, right? Obviously, isn't that the right answer?
Severed heads can't talk.
And no, you've gotta give the case to the whole department, right? Just like in real life, you can't cherry pick your favorite cop. Yeah, and Gotham PD is terrible.
They let the Joker get away because they forget to check if there's a bomb sewn inside one of the inmates. And then also, they get tricked by Bane into getting trapped underground, and then when they get out, the first thing that they decide to do is get into a fist fight with a band of terrorists, am I remembering that right? Where were their guns?
Well, in pretty much any superhero movie is forfeit. If there are vigilantes out cleaning up the streets, then it means that the cops suck at the very same job. You're Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Teenage creatures that aren't allowed to interact with anybody blow the lid off of a foot-clan crime ring before trained detectives. Only reason cops show up at all in the X-Men movies is so the mutants have some useless meat sacks to toss around. In Winter Soldier, a bunch of fake police corner Nick Fury in the middle of a city, in the middle of the day. So where the hell are the real cops this entire time?
Sitting in their convertibles, licking jelly out of each other's mouths.
If it's me, I'm gonna ignore patrolmen altogether. I want a department that has great detectives. I want guys that have a track record of taking down serial killers who hunt guys like Daniel for sport.
That's why I'm going with seven. Guys like Daniel? Which one of the seven do you think I am?
Are you saying that murdering a serial killer execution style is the same as closing the books on a case? Hang on, this is important.
Oh, also, the only reason they caught Kevin Spacey is because he turned himself in. I mean, they didn't even have fingerprints on the guy before he just waltzes in the front door of the police department. And for the first half of the movie, Morgan Freeman is just bitchin' and moaning about how he doesn't even want the case.
This can't be my last duty. It was pride, right? I'm gonna say it was pride.
She was very pretty.
Fine, then lethal weapon. But remember, there's no guarantee that you'll get Riggs or Murtov. Yeah, fine, that's great, actually.
Every time that they work a case, they end up destroying half the city. I want the quiet cops who just keep their heads down while Riggs is off dislocating his shoulder at the water cooler. So just standard LAPD detectives? Except it's way worse. You got these two high-profile guys in your squad that criminals actively target.
Every other cop on the force is gonna have their hands full just protecting these two guys. And that's the problem with buddy cop movies, right? Rush Hour, Tango and Cash, End of Watch. It's always personal. They are attracting these dangerous, powerful criminals from around the world who specifically wanna make sure that these cops are dead, right? And then everyone else in the department has to drop whatever they're working on, just some boring decapitated body inside of a dumpster, to pitch in and help take down the kingpin.
She's right. Even if you don't get the two bad boys from that one movie, Bad Boys 2, all your detectives are gonna be forced to focus on the case that's actually making newspaper headlines, which is why I'm going old school, back to a simpler time. Little movie called LA Confidential. Hey, Michael, you realize that half of the cops in LA Confidential are racist, ego, maniacal, woman abusers, right? Exactly. And this victim happens to be a white middle-class male from a good neighborhood.
It's just the kind of meaty case that they'd bend a few rules to solve, if you know what I mean. They might do it dirty, but they get it done. It's actually a really good point. Wait, hang on a second.
The other half of the department was completely corrupt. There's probably another officer that killed Dana in the first place. It's always the nerdy pencil-pushing narc that gets whacked first in noir.
Forgot to charge me for the extra toast. I'll add it to the tip.
It's not just noir, okay? Any movie with one or two really good cops inevitably puts them inside of a compromised department. That's Training Day, Chinatown, The Departed, SWAT. You probably get a cop whose best interest isn't just burying the case, but burying you.
True, fine. Ooh, okay, I go for my contingency plan, the police department from Elf.
I don't remember a single cop from that movie. Exactly, nor do you remember any crime. See, the best police department is the one you don't have to think about too much. Trust me, there was not a single burglary, murder, or rape in that whole movie.
Wait, a bunch of cops show up at the end, though, when Santa Slay crashes in that park. And look at the response time.
Okay, so none then? Yeah, I don't think so.
Any movie with the stakes are really high. The cops can't be a feasible option. They either have to be incompetent or in bed with the enemy. Or it's a buddy cop movie in which case they're reckless and they draw the attention of international crime lords. Holy shit, I wonder if Katie hates cops so much. There's not a single good or useful department depicted in film. Movies want us to mistrust the police. And it trains would-be cops to believe that the only way to be good at your job is to be a renegade who can't trust anyone.
Man, I hope there's like a test to weed out cadets with that mentality. Police academy. Sure, at the academy level or any part of the training. No, police academy, the franchise, I think that's the only example where the department is good across the board.
What was the premise of the first movie? A bunch of civilians who have no business being cops get to be cops. It's a terrible idea.
Wait, did you kill Daniel? Okay, that's not what happened exactly, right?
The new mayor passes a law that says that anyone can become a police officer, no matter their race, gender, creed, size. So of course, when they first get into the academy, they totally suck. But then after training, they're thrown head first into their very first assignment, which is a city-wide riot where they successfully apprehend armed criminals and the police don't fire a single shot. And it's not just luck either. In police academy two, they get transferred to the worst precinct in the city and they manage to shut down a huge drug syndicate and turn the whole city around. I mean, they're clumsy, but across seven movies, they consistently get the job done. Police academy essentially opens up policing to the citizens, allowing them to police themselves.
And it totally works. It's a pretty anarchic idea for an 80s movie. It's actually kind of genius. Well, wait, how is that any different from the way it works in the real world?
Can anyone who passes the academy become a cop?
Yeah, I don't know. I think so, though. Oh, was the guy who pulled you over super good at sound effects? No. But was he a womanizer? No.
Okay, but was he fat? Like, was he a big fat guy? Yeah, actually he was.
I knew it, classic Leslie Barbara.
Were we positive he couldn't do sound effects or wasn't good at them? I was just thinking about that. When you heard the sirens, did you notice where their lights on or was he just opening his mouth?
I forgot to check completely. That's weird. That's the first thing I check. Yeah, she's on the spectrum. Oh, thank God. What took you guys so long?
Well, we got pulled over. You yelled at a cop. She yelled at a cop.
Please, you haven't changed over your tags. Show me where that falls under protect and serve.
Sorry. Yeah. Script, script. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha, I was just seeing.
Let's redo the entrance. No, hang on. Oh, still, I'll probably have to be in the shot.
It's always the nerdy pencil pushing, damn it. I can do it, okay. It's always the neatly, neezy. Nerdy pencil pushing. Nerdy little, neatly, suddenly. Oh, this is f***ing script. It's always the nerdy pencil pushing arc that gets doffed in a, whoa, whoa, whoa, damn it. It's so easy, come on. Yeah, nerdy pencil pushing. Nerdy pencil pushing, what?
It's always the weedy, oh man, nerdy. You're not weedy at all. Weedy or neatly. |
dropout | hardly_working_office_prank_sponsored | Hello there, I'm Dan from Hardly Working, and over the course of the next three episodes, we're going to be all about the big fun that can come from pulling little office pranks. If you think you're an office prank master too, send us your favorite little office prank story, and you can have that prank story immortalized on College Humor and win $5,000. Little prank big prize. Isn't that right, Adam? Okay, but I don't see how duct taping me to a chair all day counts as a prank. That just goes to show how much you still have to learn about pranks. With your help and the help of KFC Chicken Littles, we can give a little prank the big praise it deserves.
After all, little is the new big. And enter today. Boom! Woah! You guys want to pull a little prank on Owen? Oh hey guys, how's it going? Pretty good.
Except Sam told us to tell you that he's letting you go. I didn't mean go. What do you mean? Relax. You just said you could take the rest of the day off. And all future days, you're fired. This can't be happening. Actually, no. And by that, I mean no, you're wrong. It is happening. We'll be clean out here.
No!
Man, this is so fun. I know, people love being fake fired. It's like a thing, yeah.
No! What do we tell them? Not yet, the moment's not right. This is gonna be great. Oh, I'm sorry, but you've missed too many days of work to qualify for unemployment. Also, you owe me $20 personally. I'm touching. What? Oh, I said, I said to turn. Okay. We're taking this. You clearly don't work in an office. What do you say, guys?
Should we let him in on the prank? Yeah, he looks like he could use a laugh. Hey, Owen.
Who there?
It's Murph, Jenny, and Kevin. We have something to tell you. We just thought you should know that you're not actually fired.
It was a prank. It was a prank? Yeah, hilarious prank. A prank? You took everything! That's hilarious!
He knows it's funny. He knows.
It's worth it. Ah, a break. Classic. Owen, look at you. You can't come to work like this. You're fired. |
dropout | teen_romance_is_too_dramatic_hot_date | Kyle, I think I'm ready to go all the way to third base. I love you. Hailey, I've got hay!
We're watching a movie! I can see you, Kyle. We're watching a movie.
Okay, time for you to go home. Mom, no! He can't leave! I've already told you, Hailey, no boyfriend after 9 o'clock.
I'm your mother. I know what's best for you. With all due respect, Mrs. P., what's best for her is to be with me, the man who loves her. You were recently suspended for throwing a fidget spinner at your substitute teacher. I did do that.
Mom, we're in love. You can't keep us apart. This has been the greatest two weeks of my life. I can't wait to get married and then die in each other's arms when we're really old. Like 35. Sweetheart, you're young.
You don't know what real love is yet. Oh, I don't know what love is.
Love is wanting to be together all the time. Because you're scared if he's not by your side for one split second, he's going to talk to a girl with bigger boobs than you. And when you can't be together, it's about texting. Non-stop. Love is about kissing for hours with so much tongue. The more tongue, the more you love each other. It's about bragging to your friends every time you hit a new sexual milestone. Real love? It keeps you up at night, Mom. Because you're in a huge fight about the fact that each old Luke Kelly client that you went to second base. Love is about showing up at her part-time job and just hanging out there at the counter, scaring customers. It's about going to the movies and talking really loud and giggling the whole time and ruining it for everyone else. It's about applying to all the same colleges. Because you care more about making out than you do about your own future. Love makes you feel like your heart is going to explode. Anytime he's not at your locker exactly one minute after the bell rings.
Love is about thinking that she's really hot. Hotter than Emma Watson or Emma Roberts or any Emma in the whole world. You mean an Emma Stone?
Yeah, babe. Mrs. P, I love your daughter. And we're going to be together, whether you like it or not. Kyle, get out of my house. Yes, ma'am. Kyle, no! Goodbye, my love. Text me when you get home. But also, text me on the way home so that I know you're not flirting with a girl with bigger boobs than me.
I love you.
All right, break it up. Break it up. |
dropout | derrick_s_godfather | I believe in America. America has made my fortune and I raise my daughter in the American fashion.
Recently my daughter she she take a boyfriend. Her and his boyfriend and another boy they go riding in a automobile and she don't do what they want her to do.
She is a good girl Godfather and they beat her Godfather like an animal. In my own living room Godfather in my own home they throw her down. They break my coffee table. They break my television. I come home Godfather and I find her my only daughter on the ground. She's beaten and bloody. They rape her Godfather. So I come before you on this the day of your daughter's wedding to ask. Please Godfather buy me a new HDTV. This country Godfather to break in my wife's heart.
She look upon our daughter, our only child. Is she no CEO? Who she know? Her child. She don't recognize her Godfather.
How many times a Godfather? How many times my wife's heart got to break huh? Is it as many times as the HDTV has lines of resolution? Because if so my wife's heart will break one thousand and eighty times Godfather.
Why Godfather? If I could have two things Godfather. I would say yes please have these boys beaten and bloody and hung in Italian square and castrated and everyone will know what they have done. But it's only one thing right?
So yeah then the HDTV then yeah because it's a football season Godfather and once you watch HDTV you cannot go back to normal TV. It's a too fuzzy Godfather. It's too fuzzy. It's a total shift in the way we view television.
To show you what I mean, I bring you this. It's a picture of my daughter. She was a beautiful but she don't look that way anymore. Also I bring you this.
Is it this week's Best Buy circular or from the newspaper? They have many options Godfather. They are very good. This is the one I had. It's pretty good. You spent $200 you get this one. It's slightly bigger but you go in and you just look at them. You can test them out and they show them to you and they show all the same movie and you can compare and contrast. They show in Fantastic Four here. You can see it's pretty good and yeah they install it anytime and they come by your house. It's a full installation and they match any competitor's advertised price Godfather. You find a better price Godfather. You bring it in and they match it.
So yeah just have them come by my house anytime of this Saturday. Maybe I be home after two o'clock. Before two o'clock I got to be somewhere.
It's my daughter's funeral. Oh yeah she died. She died. |
cracked | why_horror_movie_slashers_are_the_best_wingmen_ever_horror_movie_parody | What? What is it? I think I heard something.
Would you relax? My parents are gone for the whole weekend. It's just that if my dad finds out I'm here, he's gonna kill me. You worry too much. No one is gonna kill anyone tonight. Yeah, but maybe I should just like call him and tell him like spending the night at Nancy's or something just so he doesn't worry.
Yeah, right, fine. Phones in the study. Tell your dad I say hi.
Oh, weird. Must be the storm. Yeah, well, it's not working either. I mean, I guess he can't blame me for not calling if none of the phones in town were.
I mean, Brad. Wait, but I still feel like maybe I should like go home. No, it's just like ever since those kids got killed and fucking in the car point. My dad's been like super protective and give me a curfew. Jesus, Judy, don't do this to me, all right? You promised that we were gonna go all the way. No, I just... I feel like he's gonna get really worried and come look for me, so... I'm gonna go home. Oh, my power's back.
Sort of. Rad. Wait, but I still feel like you should go. Why? All the talk about like the teens that got murdered kind of like killed the mood for me. Oh, ha, killed. Still.
All right, look, here's what we do. You go call your dad. Okay. You tell him everything's fine. And then if you want to stay, you can stay. And if you want to go, you walk right out the front door. Okay, I'll do that.
This is never gonna work.
Yeah. Judy? Are you all right? Cameron, did you do this? Yeah, yes. That's so sweet and dirty. Yeah, I thought maybe you'd like it. It's to celebrate our week anniversary. Oh. We should toast. Is it rum? Yeah, yes.
Yeah, I don't like rum because one time I drank too much of it and now it just makes me vomit.
Yikes. Oh. Hey, this is perfect. Wait. What? You gotta be kidding me. Do you have protection? Oh, like a condom. Yeah, for your day. No. Oh. What does it say? The pullout method is only 3% less effective than a condom. What? You're not crazy. I had no idea. Huh.
It also says, look down the hall. Fuck yeah, house.
Cameron, I'm sorry. I feel like this isn't fair to you.
No, I mean, it's cool. You and I, we're even Steven, baby.
It's the whole reason I started dating you. I mean, the whole reason I'm here was really just to get back at Tyrell for breaking up with me.
And now he's probably at Oral Sex Lake with Melissa and they're probably doing it. Wait, which Melissa? You know, Melissa.
Do you want a clever shirt that you can hold like this totally naturally to show it off? Then hit up the cracked shirt dispensary and insert the promo code MATRIX while you're at it for a cool 15% off.
What was that sound? She tickled me. I did. And you'll be tickled too. Our wonderful shirts, that was really coming together until you guys fucked it up.
Watch. You can't say it's a fucking commercial. |
cracked | 5_movies_that_become_insane_if_you_swap_genders_yboc_titanic_shape_of_water_back_to_the_future | Hey there nerds, we're back to having our special appointments in an undisclosed secret location. I'm Dr. Jordan Breeding, but if anybody official asks, let's say, Joe Dan Breeding. Anyway, you're watching another episode of Your Brain Uncracked where again, if anybody asks, tell them it's called something like Your Dome on Cocaine. And it's the only show on Cocaine where I'm dramatically altering my appearance week to week.
Here's what I got, middle-aged man faux-hawk. Good luck identifying me now, pigs! Not as stupid as sheep, mind you, but pigs are definitely stupid. Anyway, today I will semi-legally diagnose.
For most movies, gender swapping the lead characters won't make any real difference. I mean sure, they steal jewelry in Ocean's A instead of something real manly like crates of 100% beef hot dogs, but fewer wieners isn't why Ocean's A is the worst Ocean's. To really examine Hollywood's weird gender standards, let's take a few existing movies and do what I do in the operating room and just make some incisions, move a few organs around, and just kind of, you know, see what happens. Do I really need to go over the plot of Titanic? Alright fine. In short, guy and girl meet on big boat, big boat sinks, guy dies, girl lives, and we all end up learning how to play My Heart Will Go On with a recorder in our elementary school music classes. If the genders were reversed in Titanic, right away the power dynamic becomes super weird. You have a spoiled dude from an upper class family picking between a forced marriage to a rich girl and a hot teenage vagrant who impresses him with detailed sketches of penises. Imagine Jack saying, draw me like one of y'all French boys while he gently dangles the Heart of the Ocean jewel from his engorged dick.
Put that shit in 3D. Tell me that wouldn't be more worth $25 for an IMAX ticket than Avatar 17. This, assuming, of course, theaters ever reopen. It's been 84 years.
But anyway, the scene really highlighting the uncomfortable underlying dynamic of the couple is when they're on the damn door. Normally Jack lets Rose have the floating door in the ocean because it's too small for both of them, you know, it's the gentlemanly thing to do. She lives and later gets married and has kids with her unfrozen womb. But if you swap them, some of them are forced to look at the uncomfortableness of their vastly different financial situations. Now it's this wealthy man taking over the door to save his life while his homeless mistress slowly freezes to death. Then once he sees that she's died while he's been chilling on his makeshift paddleboard, she gets slid into the ocean and he's like, damn, I quite like that peasant girl. Time to think of it, everything about the well-off dude even accepting the poor woman's selfless gesture makes him look like a monster.
No, please, Mr. Rich White Man, go, live your life of adventure, travel in expensive hobbies. I'll gladly sacrifice my poor, worthless, poor person life to make it possible. Man, think of the thing pieces. No.
Anyway, NYPD Detective Denzel Washington interrogates a bunch of people who were released from a kidnapping at a bank in order to determine which were hostages and which were the actual robbers because things got kind of confusing for a moment when they all dressed up the same. And since the robbers kept the masks on the whole time, the detectives only have one good lead to identify them.
Well, two good leads. Yeah, I'm talking about boobs, kids. Why do you remember that? Great tits. It turns out multiple witnesses confirm one of the perpetrators was a dark haired, big busted woman. The detectives quickly determined there are only two people from the bank who matched that sensual physical description.
You want to take another picture? So what does Denzel do?
Sexy talk the women into confessing? No, he just lets them go because one of the women got really uncomfortable and offended when the cops mentioned that she has a failing grade cup size, so they just dropped the whole thing. They couldn't possibly imagine being uncouth towards the fair sex, even though this is easily their best lead and their best chance of solving the case. So I violated Section 34DD. That's weird and absurd in its own right, but now imagine Denzel Washington interrogating a couple of big dicked perpetrators. In this new scenario, a couple of wandering-eyed hostages notice one of the thieves is either smuggling a pipe bomb or a thick meat tube. And as soon as they're released, they breathlessly describe what they'd seen to the cops. This forces the authorities to thoroughly inspect each suspect's groin. Eventually, they narrow their search down to two men with impressive dongers. The funny thing is, the male cops are probably less likely to be embarrassed about getting personal with male suspects because nobody really cares if men's privacy is violated, so they probably actually follow through on the lead. Eventually, I'm picturing the case making it to actual court where the defendant's mom testifies that her boy was born with a micro-penis, and the prosecution brings out a penis expert to accurately define the characteristics of an above-average crotch hog. Are you listening, CSI?
It's free money. You can have it. Step on the paper. Strip. Just pretend she's an eight-year-old girl.
Similarly, imagine the infamous leg uncrossing scene in Basic Instinct reimagined with the suspect just whipping a snake out mid-interrogation in front of a couple of female detectives like Lyndon B. Johnson giving a press conference. Suddenly, the vibe is less sensual misdirection and more sexually harassing power play. The Shape of Water is an Oscar-certified best picture story about a mute woman who has an immediate connection with a mysterious fish creature held captive in a secret government science lab. And when the military decides to kill the creature because Michael Shannon can't not be evil, she takes it upon herself to save her species' transcending soulmate and smuggle him out of the lab. Go, Empathy! And then she takes it home and just fucks it in a bathtub. Go, Empathy! It's refreshing to see a movie that portrays female sexuality in a non-shameful or judgmental way, but that said, imagine this movie about a lonely male janitor who lives at home by himself and jerks off in the bathtub every morning. He finally sees a sexy lady fish creature in a lab, bonds with it over a mutual appreciation of hard-boiled eggs, and decides to take it home and stick his very human penis in its very scaly walk.
Wet-ass cloaca.
Suddenly, this spiritual love connection between human and fishier human becomes the story of a dude who just gets the oddest boner whenever he eats sushi. Also, what would this guy's Octavia Spencer friend think? I highly doubt they'd be like, finally, you found someone who understands you on a level that transcends language. More likely, it'd be, holy shit, did you bang that lab fish? What is wrong with you? Also, you might want to have your doctor just seal your dick off, because whatever lobster gonorrhea you definitely acquired is going to get in your brain any second.
You wouldn't understand. Couldn't understand that if you tried your whole life.
And when you swap the genders, suddenly all sorts of questions about consent bubble up. Can a non-human creature consent to sex? We know it has some intelligence, but what if it's barely smarter than a dog?
Don't play with the kitties. No, no. Don't play with the kitties.
Suddenly, this doesn't scream best picture winner as much as it does. The cops will be at your house in 10 minutes to confiscate your aquarium, Guillermo. I'm not angry.
Have you ever noticed that almost all movie love triangles are between two men and one woman? There are very few examples of a man choosing between two mostly equal women. If a man is choosing, it's between his harpy evil girlfriend who is objectively hot, but also like eats live iguanas and stabs children, and the exciting manic pixie dream girl who he's known about for years, but never really noticed, you know?
I thought you were a chuck. Me. Yeah.
The thing is, society tells us men are always the pursuers. Even in the scenario with two women fighting over one dude, the male character still ends up pursuing that manic pixie. In a traditional rom-com, the female lead merely succumbs to the pursuits of one of the two men. If we swap the genders and had two women really pursuing a man, it would just feel off-putting and shitty rather than romantic.
Consider the notebook. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard.
Think how much you would hate Rachel McAdams' character, Allie, if she was a man flitting between two women. Even though Al becomes engaged to a perfectly fine, maybe even great woman, a different woman has been obsessing over him and builds him an entire freaking house designed to his exact specifications in the hope it could bring him back to her someday somehow. And that's so exciting to Al. He lies to his fiance and tricks her into letting him go on a pre-wedding trip to Bonetown with some weird, clingy chick he hasn't seen in several years. I can't play chopsticks with you doing that. Even though the man has essentially abandoned his fiance, I think a large section of society would be more pissed at the female equivalent of Noah for being a homewrecker. I don't want to have to take advantage of you. Actually, there may be two issues at play because when female Rachel McAdams abandons her would-be husband, it's high-flying romantic. But if Al did it, it's just going to be seen as dickhead adultery. Society has created this impossible situation where men are supposed to pursue in a competitive scenario with comparable men, but they're not allowed to succumb to the call of the wop.
The wet, wet, op. Wet ass P-word.
Look, Back to the Future is already a strange enough movie in the way that making out with your mom is strange, but the strangeness really becomes more pronounced if Marty is a girl. And that's without digging into a young woman sneaking out late at night to conduct experiments with an old man in his garage. I'll simulate the cloaca. The real issue is we're once again in the notebook scenario nobody wants where two women, female Marty and her eventual mom, are essentially fighting over one man, her dad. We're back to that. What's worse, we meet Marty's mom as she sits in a tree with binoculars hoping to spot Marty's dad's dick through a window. And yes, I get that that's problematic no matter the gender.
But what are the chances that she's really going to spot anything worth ogling from that distance anyway? I mean, unobserved, Schrodinger dicks are rarely impressive creatures. They tell me. He's a peeping tom. Anyway, Marty gets hit by a car and awakens in her underwear with her young daddy staring lustfully at her. The first thing her dad reveals is that he inspected her underwear very closely, so the point he assumes her name must be a victorious secret. And also, can he send inches from her nearly nude body please and possibly spend the night with her?
The Florence Nightingale effect is no longer kind of sweet. It's kind of rapey. From there, Marty must constantly rebuff her father's incredibly forward advances while attempting to foist him off onto her awkward mom who's just really into sci-fi books. This eventually culminates in a plan whereby Marty agrees to hook up with her dad but does so in such an aggressive and borderline abusive way that Marty's mom has to drag Marty out of the car and save Marty's dad from this strange sexually aggressive woman. You know, now that I've said it all out loud, this is kind of a movie I want to see. I mean, it's borderline becoming a coked out, Kill Bill-esque sexual power play revenge fantasy. An injured woman who was taken advantage of by a creepy man cococks a plan to use her sexuality to manipulate him and drive him into the arms of a woman who literally stalks men for voyeuristic and maybe murderous pleasure.
Well, somebody should call Tarantino. Do you have his number?
Oh yeah, I'll give it to you. Fantastic. Wow, you must be rich. Hey look, I'm a girl. I'd recap what we discussed but I'm pretty sure everybody's Alexis have already put me on some sort of watch list so I guess that's it. But how's this for disguise, eh? Hey look, now I'm a baby and I'm asking you to like, comment and subscribe so that we'll have enough money to buy food for the winter. |
SaturdayNightLive | don_t_buy_stuff_saturday_night_live | I just can't get these numbers to add up. it's like we're never gonna get out of this hole. credit card debt. does it ever end? Maybe I can help. we sure could use it. we've tried debt consolidation companies. we've even taken out loans to help make payments.
Well, you're not the only ones.
Did you know millions of Americans live with debt they cannot control? that's why I developed this unique new program for managing your debt. it's called don't Buy Stuff You cannot afford. Well, let me see that. if you don't have any money, you should not buy anything. hmm, sounds interesting. sounds confusing. I don't know, honey. this makes a lot of sense. there's a whole section here on how to buy expensive things using money you save. give me that. And where would you get this saved money?
I tell you where and how in Chapter three.
Okay, but what if I want something but I don't have any money? you don't buy it. Well, let's say I don't have enough money to buy something. should I buy it anyway? no. now I'm really confused. it's a little confusing at first. Well, what if you have the money? can you buy something? Yes. now take the money away. same story? nope. you shouldn't buy stuff when you don't have the money.
I think I got it.
I buy something I want and then hope that I can pay for it, right? No. you make sure you have money, then you buy it. Oh, then you buy it. But shouldn't you buy it before you have the money? No. why not? it's in the book. it's only one page long. the advice is priceless and the book is Free.
Wow, I like the sound of that.
Yeah, we can put it on our credit card. So get out of debt now. write for your free copy of Don't Buy Stuff You Cannot Afford. And if you order now, you'll also receive Seriously. If you don't have the money, Don't Buy It. along with a 12-month subscription to Stop Buying Stuff Magazine. So order Today. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_mega_man_22nd_ish_anniversary | You're watching Bleep Bloop, I'm Jeff Rubin, and joining me this week is Alex, and Jeff from Elephant Larry, and Pat Cassels from, I don't know what he does. Let's start this game, man. This week we celebrate Mega Man. Mega Man kind of celebrates himself. Sure.
Can I just ask, what does Hard Man do? Well, he's just very difficult to beat. This is only Mega Man 3, and they're already using such abstract concepts as Gemini Man, so you can imagine by the time we get to Mega Man 8.
Like do you know these patterns? Jeff, you're just tearing right through this. Oh yeah. These are what's all coming back to you? It's basically muscle memory. I'm just trying to like jibe with the game of just the plate controls a little off. You're just going to black out and wake up.
Whoa! Did you see it? It didn't even look back there.
The crazy thing to me is this is the first level. Yeah. You know, there's no ramp up to it at all. It's interesting because one of the defining characteristics of Mega Man is letting you pick the order you do the levels in. So there can't really be a difficulty, like all the levels have to be kind of hard.
Did you guys consider it the ultimate insult when someone would basically look over at you and say, oh, you want me to do that for you? Here, let me just do this. You can do the rest of this thing. No one to give it to them, Ben. It's just like, okay. Yeah, I know. Let me just, I'll just finish the board for you.
And then it becomes, then they beat the game. Then the last Starfighter happens and they get taken away instead of you.
Jeff, what is it about Mega Man that makes it so appealing to you? There's something about all the weapons and all the different ways of doing it. I always love the boss battles and they're always such great bosses in these with their own moves and stuff. I guess the Mega Man formula is just so perfect. It's just like you get eight new weapons every game, eight new themed levels.
Why didn't there live actually Mega Man movie yet? That's kind of what I wanted to talk about.
Mega Man is very well known by everyone that's ever played a video game. He's as famous as Mario and Zelda. Everyone knows who he is. But he never really reached that mainstream success where he had like a live action TV series or a movie or anything.
Right. I guess the live action Mario Brothers movie is the ultimate goal, as I'm saying. It doesn't get any better than that.
Who would you want to play Mega Man and Mega Man? Kiefer Sutherland. There's almost like no good answer because Mega Man is kind of boyish. How about Sean Penn? We'll just take it really seriously and we'll scowl the entire town. If you go boyish and short like Mega Man is, it's kind of like Tom Cruise. Oh, Tom Cruise would be a good Mega Man. Elijah Wood.
Oh, that's pretty good too. That's even more boyish.
I'm not used to playing on a PlayStation 2 controller. That's what it is. You know, I was actually just saying that before. Oh, really? It's really hard. It's weird because this game is originally for PlayStation. Oh, it's true. So you must be used to the Saturn version.
Yeah, exactly. It's the only true system that I believe in. Right. I kind of go Virtual Boy with all of mine. Yeah, Saturn, Virtual Boy, Turbo Graphics. Right. That's a straight up pinball.
You need the white man power to be a powerful man. You need to be a diseased blanket man.
Do you want me to do this for you, Jeff? That guy's tough. See, you're saying that. You're joking, but at the same time, you kind of want to, right? Yeah, there we go.
What have we learned today? He really doesn't change much. Yeah, they really figured out the formula. You know what?
They made a new one with Mega Man 9. It still works. We played Sonic recently, and this is the exact opposite. They kept changing it around. They kept this pretty solid. Everyone that plays video games knows Mega Man, but I guess it's the difficulty of the games with screens like this that really kept it off the mainstream radar.
What kind of masochist are you that you enjoy these games so much? They're so difficult. Well, I deserve a lot of pain. |
SaturdayNightLive | collette_at_home_saturday_night_live | Hold your horseshoes, I'm comin'!' I said, hold your hors- who's the fire? I said, I'm comin'!' Hello, I'm, uh, I'm Richard Dugan with, uh. sold! I'll take 10 Dream Boats. let me get my checkbook.
No, no, no, I'm with, uh, I'm with Bell Atlantic. I need to take a look at your phone. so people in the area have reported some trouble with the long distance. ooh, long distance? sweet! come on in!
I was just in the middle of takin' my midday medication. looks like that may take a while. no, seriously, I'm, uh, legitimately troubled by the amount of medication on this table. me too. Well, the second, all here is for the night sweats and hot flashes I get, what with bein' pre-menopausal. that's free, Hotshot!
I can still get pregnant, so let's be careful. I can't get you pregnant by fixin' your phone, ma'am.
And the demerol? Well, the demerol was prescribed by my podiatrist, Dr. Augie Testiverdi, for a contusion I suffered when I tripped over my dirt devil rushin'' a downy ball into the rinse cycle. it was worth it. Smell.
Yeah, April Fresh, uh, listen, I better fix your phone here, alright? well, fix it quick, Rich! I gots to call Dr. Doug Bevelaquim, an Ent, and sometimes Y. Why? Well, because I need a refill on the delighted I take for my carpal tunnel syndrome. you see, I've been on the ebay corner in the market on Dukes of Hazard memorabilia. like these boss-hauled skates! Do you skate, Rich? whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up. you take Delighted for wrist pain? every day, Dicky. can I call you Dicky? Yeah, sure.
You know, Dick, it's a good thing that the phone's on the fritz, because sometimes I gots to shoot methadrine so I can fire up my toro leaf blower to clean my front lawn. fall's a bitch, Dick. I don't care how you slice it. methadrine? you ever try a rake? Oh, really? Any poop. after five hours of methadrine-fueled leafblowing, I get kind of confused and start making long-distance phone calls. Well, one time, I called China and got this Dr. Moogoo guy, Dan. well, he starts talking, China talk, about the remedies, the benefits of herbal remedies, right? he's one of those. homeopathic doctor? hey, I don't care who he sleeps with, Dickness. that's not my business.
Fine, you know, how many phones you have in here? that's gonna take some thought. let me, uh, put on my thinking capsules. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. those are good and plenty's, lady. well, they're good and I got. you want some? no, no, no. okay, Mrs. Vernon, I gotta pick this phone. that's Ms. Reardon's phone, Jack. Ooh, I think I see your extension. huh? you know, what's this, uh, what's this button here for? Oh, I got the gang at the Poison Control Center on speed dial. Good kids, good kids! You know, I think I figured out the problem. Okay, look, I think I'll be on my way.
But don't you want to stick around for a nightcap, Dickly? it's the middle of the day. it's okay, it's just scotching, you who? come on! no, I think I'll leave. you know, keep off those skates, will you? Ah-ha-ha! Oh, really? have a good day, huh?
Ricky, don't lose that number! Oh, he's gonna be back, and I better clean up. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_85_Mack_Horton | We more look at him as a bit of a- He's one so many gold medalists. Mac Horton, you're our second Olympic gold medalist, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me boys.
Now you just said before, you're not very good at sitting still. Is that like common amongst athletes in the village, just in general, like I just feel like there'd be a lot of hyperactivity amongst people who have to perform physically for a living. Firstly, you've put me on a swivelly chair, which isn't great. I reckon the worst though is athletes falling asleep. Swimmers in particular, they twitch a lot, like on planes and stuff, you'll be dozing off and then you'll just kick the person in front of you, you'll throw your arm out into the aisle and then the trolley will hit you or something. It's not great.
So you've lived a life of early mornings, is that the truth? Swimming's one of those sports? Yeah. 14 years, I think, of getting up at, well it used to be 4.30, it's now 5.20, live a bit closer to the pool, getting a bit older, get a little bit of a sleep in. So it's every day? Six days a week, but then because you're doing it six days a week, you're waking up early anyway on a Sunday. It's just in that black line. Yeah, you're used to it. In bed, like I'm usually in bed like 8.30, 9, anything past that's a late night. Now rowing, we understand still a water in the early hours. Is there any reason for swimmers to be up that early? You're usually in enclosed kind of pools.
I think no one really knows and everyone's just kind of always been doing it that way and that's the way it's always going to be done. My theory is, because you do two training sessions in a day, so you have the morning and afternoon and so you need the recovery time in the middle of the day. But then also if you have, it's not just me training, we have a squad so there's like some kids that have to go to school, people have uni, people have jobs, so you got to be able to have a normal day around it as well. It's just part of the culture really. It's not like you're sharing, like at your level you're not sharing the swim lessons and stuff like that. No, it's like two people are lying. I'm just trying to think what would be the Olympic sport that would have the laziest athletes in it, like talking like maybe trap shooting, you know. I can't see, what's his name, Michael Diamond, I can't see him doing too many early mornings. I don't want to throw them under the bus. There's a solidarity there. Yeah, I reckon power throw is actually more, think about it, would work out heaps. But it's probably not like working out, working out like you would traditionally think of it, but they'd practice a lot.
I was chatting to Catherine Skinner who won a medal in Rio and I was saying like, how do you train for this? And she's like, you just practice like body awareness with the gun, like they just have to know exactly where the gun is pointing at every point. And so they don't even think about it, they don't look, they just move their body and they know where it's going to go.
Is there kind of like a tribalism with the aquatics in the village, you guys stick together? Yeah, definitely, especially in Rio, it was programmed so that finals were on prime time TV in the US. So we were racing finals like 11 o'clock at night, our heats were midday. So we were like, we didn't see anyone in the village. We were like having dinner at two, three a.m., breakfast when everyone else is having lunch and then like lunch at dinner. And so just like in this little world of swimmers for like two weeks, it was crazy. So was it just you or was it the swimmers from all over the world?
Because I'm intrigued to know what Ryan Lottke is like in real life. Because in Rio, he did get into a bit of trouble, not too much. He tends to do that. What's he like? Like is he a bit, you know? Yeah, he's interesting. Yeah, he's in his world, I guess.
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Now into the show. Swimming is big in Australia. It's a big Olympic sport and it's a big kind of game sport. Everyone tunes in. Everyone knows who you are and everyone knows each generation of swimmers.
There's a few other countries like that. I think New Zealand would be one of them. I mean, outside of that other country that you are a household name in, where have you found pockets of swimming fans?
Isn't America's big on it? America's big on it. Italy is, well, most of Europe as well is pretty big on it.
But I spent some time training with a guy called Gregorio Pelcineri from Italy. And after Rio, I went to Italy with him and we're like doing touristy things. People would recognize him, mostly Italians. They'd give us a meal or whatever. And then the internationals would recognize me and it was like this ongoing joke slash competition to see who would get recognized most. Surprisingly, even in Italy, I couldn't believe it. Yeah. We're going to get into now the other country that you're quite popular in.
How do you manage your social media without being kind of facing a brute force attack of hackers and the likes? I manage it like anyone else would. I don't do anything. I just run it as if I was posting for family and friends and that sort of thing. It's still like my, I don't know, I'm in complete control and I guess mentally block out whatever I don't want to say.
Yeah, because it's interesting because our book that's coming out at the end of the year was due to be printed in China for economic reasons. And for every book that gets printed in China, it has to go past an internal censorship board.
Did it get dropped? It got knocked back.
So I think it'd be pretty safe to say that me and Clancy won't ever get to walk on the Great Wall of China. We're all on the same boat. I don't think we'd be able to even get the boat across to Kowloon. I think that vast area of that continent is now at a reach.
Do you get any advice from the Department of Foreign Affairs, from the AOC? It's like, well, can you just pump the brakes? Because that's what the government wants you to do is just to smooth everything over. Not their government anyway.
I don't get things directly, but I hear things. There's a lot going on in the background that I'm not aware of, I think. Yeah. We're all in it together, though. I see it too.
We're printing it in Hong Kong now. Hold on, Hong Kong. Let's just get that book printed. I guess the alternative would be to go along with the status quo and pretend that China's as above borders as the New Zealanders are.
Can you tell us how that all started? Obviously, it started at the last Olympics. But when did you get the information that triggered something in you and caused you to speak out?
The information's always there. If you're into swimming news, you're pretty across it. So it's not gossip. It's not what you're hearing among swimming dogs. No, no. It's proper information.
But when you spend so much time on pool deck, I guess, at international competition, you see how things go on. You hear how things go on. You see patterns?
Yeah. Well, yeah. I think it was the 1984 games in LA. I think that's when the world first got a bit of a glimpse into what HGH can do to a person if it's totally unregulated. Yeah.
You heard something. And had you made any noise before you kind of gave that interview? Or were you the first to really speak out? No, that was it.
This is like, I guess, whispers. But I don't think anyone had kind of done it publicly. But everyone was different. Everyone thinks it and talks about it a bit. And it's like, why do it behind curtains?
Yeah, for sure. I've always thought it would be interesting to see if there was an Olympic Games that was with no drugs. And then there was one just with drugs. And just to see what the difference would be. It'd be insane. Also, the life expectancy would go straight down. Yeah, they would.
Unregulated. Stephen Dank can be the team doctor for Australia. And it's just these big things. It's like, who's got the most powerful peptide? I would hope Australia wouldn't participate.
I mean, we aren't officially doing two football cards. But have you had any correspondence with Mr. Sy since? No. No? Not in years.
His people haven't sent anything to your people? I suppose you can't really inbox him because he's in China where they can't do anything.
Digging all sorts of holes here. But yeah, you have found some sort of solidarity from other athletes from other countries. And it kind of showed at the World Quarter Championships. Yeah, definitely.
And even just in the Australian team, that was a hard week. The World Championship's just gone. And I guess just the way we all rallied around each other and got through the week. Because as much as the pressure was on me for that week, it put a lot of pressure on the rest of the team as well, which was probably the hardest thing for me to deal with through that week.
Can you see how those kind of mistakes can happen? Do people hand you things in cups and take this?
For example, when you talk about someone like Sandor Earl, who was a Cronulla Sharks player, who didn't really know what any of these things were. And then he ended up getting kind of the scapegoat. He was of the entire Cronulla Sharks peptide ring.
Is it kind of like you guys are on a conveyor belt at times? Not really. You're in full control and you have to take, I guess, full responsibility.
Last time I went to the dentist, I had a filling. I didn't want the injection to numb it. Because I didn't want the adrenaline in my system. Because you can test positive for that. So I had the filling done without having it numbed.
They would ping you for having a heightened rate of adrenaline. Yeah, because you can inject adrenaline or whatever and then help you train or race.
Really? Yeah. So you really need to be well read on this shit.
Yeah, well, there's like a database. Every time you take something, you just search it up and you get a receipt. It says, proof I've searched it.
What other kind of things do you have to avoid doing? Because that sounds fucking quite painful, man. That's probably the worst thing I think.
Yeah, I'm wearing that one. I mean, how often is cider popping up? Is it totally random? Yeah, it's pretty random.
Why they could come in through the door right now and say... Well, they don't know I'm here. No, but you have to give them an hour every single day of the year and say, I will be there for that hour. So usually for me, it's just a training. Going into the Olympics, they were coming every two weeks probably for blood and urine.
It's slowed down a bit recently, probably once a month now. Yeah, it's fun. As everyone's kind of made it clear over the last few months, there is a difference between slipping up with a filling and smashing your vials with a hammer. Yes. Moving on.
Now, what's the countdown to the next Olympics? I should know this. I reckon it's 303-ish days. There's a countdown in the gym where I train.
It's somewhere around there, almost 300. But we're getting there. Getting there.
What's the next big thing? Is that the next big thing to you guys?
That's it. Because you have the world championships. For us, it's trials.
So the trials for swimming are only five weeks before the Olympics, and that's more stressful than the Olympics. There's more pressure on that than the Olympics. Because in some events, there's five people that could be fast enough to go to the Olympics, could be an Olympic final, but they have to cut that down to two. So it's essentially a home Olympic final, and then you go and race another one five weeks later. I know that the rules have been changed recently, where it's a bit harder to get into the Olympic Games, but I've always wondered how, at the Sydney Games, how did Eric de Eel, how did he end up in the Olympics?
I think... Because he was from Equatorial Guinea. Yeah. It was a tiny nation.
There's A qualifying, B qualifying, and then I think they open it up to maybe one spot per nation. Well, and swimming, anyway, this is my understanding, because there's a large number of athletes. But Australia won't let you go unless you're making the A qualifying time. And the A qualifying time is top eight in the world from the times of the last year. So if you're not going to make the final, they won't send you.
Really? Yeah. It's cutthroat, but it's... It's pretty hard. It's taxpayer money, so... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who is paying for the airfare? Is it Qantas or is it the AOC? I don't know. It depends what Qantas is sponsoring that year.
No, but if you... I will say at Rio, how you went over there on a Qantas plane, and you came back, if you won a gold, were you allowed to go up into first or up into business? Yeah, you got business class. Hell yeah. Yeah, it was business class on the way back. There was no first class on the... Imagine if the hockey team won. You'd be done, you know? Well, the basketball team was very front of the plane, like business in the nose cone. Yeah, right.
They didn't win.
They were in front of us. That might be due to their severe height issues.
Yeah. What other perks do you find, immediate perks after winning a gold? Did we imagine, as everyday viewers and citizens, that it kind of immediately, you know, there's a Kellogg's contract, there's obviously business class on the plane, someone gives you a car. What country was it where they were just flat out buying them Lamborghinis or some golf state? But...
Brunei.
Really? Almost there. What's the kind of traditional kind of stuff? There's like not as many.
The business class on the way home is probably the biggest thing. It's been a long period of travel and you just want to get home and it's nice when you can lay flat. When you get home, there's like parades in each capital city, which I hear are a bit of fun. I didn't do them because I went to Europe for a holiday with my girlfriend.
Hell yeah. People recognize you for a few weeks and then it goes back to normal. Well, that's another thing.
How tall are you? I've got it sitting in front of me. You are 190 centimetres. Six foot three. How tall are you, Clancy? I'm just an inch or two above Mac, funnily enough.
Get into swimming. I was a great swimmer at one point until I started smoking cigarettes. Now, you... Well, every swimmer in the world is an asthmatic.
Is that true? Well, we can just ask the ones sitting in front of us. Quite a few are, yeah. Because they all need a Ventolin puffer. Yeah, right. But there are some genuine asthmatics. But also a lot of people got into swimming, like doctors recommended to them get into swimming to help your asthma. Yeah, right. And then they end up being... World beaters. Yeah.
Is that how you got in? How did you start?
Well, I was originally scared of the water. Couldn't put my head under. And this is like, learned to swim at school in like a PE class. Finally put my head under.
You could touch the bottom, though. Could touch the bottom.
And... They couldn't get me out. I loved it. Right. And then just, yeah. You're not coastal, though. You suburban kid. Like, you didn't leave me the water. Eastern suburbs of Melbourne. Yeah, right.
Well, you know, did you ever try other things that, you know, are purpose-built for tall bean poles? Like, were you like, did you ever have a go at being a fast bowler? No, I did basketball and tennis, but I didn't have... On the wings in... That is bizarre for someone who grew up in Melbourne to have not played Australian rules football at your height.
Yeah. Well, I'm not very coordinated. Yeah, right.
Didn't have the glasses. Couldn't really see the balls.
Yeah, right. And Dad played, like, a bit of VFL back in the day, so he didn't... He knows the toll it takes on your body, and he's like, it's just easier if you don't destroy your body right now. Yeah, right.
Now, just back to your height, Liz Cambridge has that kind of issue where she can't really... Well, she does, but she struggles going to a music festival. Yeah. It's not like she can't go. She does go to them.
Just sticks out. Sticks out.
Yeah. Do you get that a little bit if you're... The height, not so much. The shoulders are a bit more of a giveaway. Right, right. Yeah. Getting through crowds with the shoulders or that sort of thing. Yeah, and doors. Yeah, doors. Yeah. In and out of cars.
So, how old were you when you thought... Like, what comp was it? What was it when everyone was like, okay, this is where this kid should be looking at, channeling his energy? For me, there was, like, no point where I was like, this is it.
This is what I want to do. I just kind of kept loving it, kept loving it, and ended up at the Olympics. It's just like the same still. I just love swimming. I love training. I love the routine.
And, yeah, I'll keep going until I stop loving it, basically. And that kind of tends to happen a little bit, doesn't it, with swimmers? You stop loving it pretty quickly. But, yeah, I can see how people burn out. I've been going for 13, 14 years now, like, eight-plus sessions a week.
It happens. And is it true now you've got underwater headphones? Well, I don't. They might exist. So you don't... Okay. Because I spend so much time in the water, I guess I'm so aware of the drag on my body, and a little thing like that, I can feel. You're just going to full go it. I mean, it's not exactly laps anymore, is it? Well, you're still swimming laps. But it's not the point now where it's up now. I go, 3K, get going. No, no. It's like, for example, like 3100s at pace or something like that. Yeah.
Do you wear your contacts in the pool or do you just go bareback, you know? I don't think anyone goes bareback.
They all wear goggles. Your goggles? My goggles are glasses.
They're prescription. Like the basketballs. Yeah. I did have some sports glasses towards the end of my basketball career.
It's a good look. It's a great look on a tall man.
So I know that Clancy has tried for many years to nominate himself for an Order of Australia medal. Did you have to nominate yourself or is that something that comes with having a gold medal?
I should have said this in the perks. This is a perk. Yeah, right. The automated process, I think, just happens. It's pretty special though. It's a big deal. And you're joined by a lot of people on the day, not just athletes. Yeah. It's a big day. But the day I went, it was mostly athletes just because I think they do a few ceremonies a year. But yeah, Government House here in Melbourne is special. Yeah, definitely. It's like being in a cult, I reckon. All the people with the pins walking around. If you know, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what events are you looking at this next Olympics? I mean, obviously, you said it's cutthroat getting in. You'll probably get in just judging by your form in the championships. 400 free and then 200 freestyle. So hopefully the relay as well. Well, relay comes before the individual because there's more people, obviously. And then the 800 as well.
So no medley? No, I can't do medley.
Freestyle only.
I can't do anything else. Yeah, right.
Well, we talk about this with politics. There's not one person in the Labor Party who doesn't want to be Prime Minister. Likewise, with the Liberal Party.
Is there anyone swimming in Australia who doesn't want to swim freestyle? They're stuck in their stroke, but they have no choice. People are like, I'm a backstroker.
That's all I do, day and night. Everyone has their specialty, but I think everyone's happy with their specialty because you're happy and you're having fun when you're good at things and you're beating people. If that's what you're good at.
But there's no career backstrokers.
Don't touch anything else. I'd like to be one of them. Well, no. If you're a backstroker, you're a backstroker. That's all you do, really. Yeah, really. So yeah, you're locked in. I'm locked into freestyle. I can't do anything else.
Every time I see the butterfly, I'm like, what happened to them as kids that made them? It's like, just... They are the toughest kids. It is so hard.
Yeah, they're the military class. They're the military class.
They're on another level. Yeah. Are they the hotheads? Michael Klim was a bit of a... he was a butterflyer. Yeah. And he kind of had that raw regression. Are there cultural differences? Like, say, is a breaststroker more of the playboy of the medley? There's subtleties, I guess. You're like, oh, those fucking backstrokers.
Well, the 1,500 meters, I think that's a real... that's a bit of a noodle-scratcher. That's a big dick. Yeah. I did that for a little bit. That really is... I only gave it up two years ago, I think. Yeah.
Have you ever broken any PBs within an event? Probably in a 1,500 when I was younger. When you're young, you can do anything. It's crazy. And you just break the 400 record on the way through and the 800 or whatever.
Like Hacky did in the Olympics. Yeah, the Olympics.
So have you ever actually touched the yellow line? The yellow line? It's not real. Yeah, I know. But from our old scene watching the screen, have you ever exploded with it? I think maybe in Rio, the first 200, we were close-ish. I've definitely been in races where people are there, but they don't normally hang on. So you're telling me that the yellow line isn't projected onto the pool from up in the roof? And that's what everyone's chasing? Sometimes it's yellow, sometimes it's red. It's like, where is it? Oh, it's behind me! It'd be good if you could actually see it, though.
It would push you along, I reckon. Oh, for sure. Yeah.
Well, actually, in the year 2000 Olympics, everyone thought it was real because when Klim nearly broke it, he did that hand sign. Like, I was just there. You know, the Layton's band known as the Layton Hewitt. The line, I think, is a great one, is the grey one. The Commonwealth Games kind of world record that follows all the others.
No, that's the OR. OR?
Olympic record.
All right. No, they put com games in there, and then they sometimes put your PB in there. I don't know.
It's always different.
It depends what the event is and who's televising it, but there's so many different records. Like, just have one record. A world record.
What's the kind of attitude when you guys have a big win like that? Because, obviously, it's not like, you know, we're in Melbourne at the moment and we've got the grand final this weekend. If those guys win, they go out and have a drink. But you can't do that if you're halfway through an Olympics and you win a 400-meter gold medal.
What do you do? On day one.
No, well, like, in the team, it's just kind of known that you all kind of stick it out together to get to the end of the week, wait till everyone's done racing, and then you enjoy your time together. Swimmers are lucky in that, typically, we get to stay in the village for the second week. A few sports get kicked out so other sports can come in because it's, like, limited accommodation. But, yeah, the swimmers luck out. Who are the loosest people in the village? Because I've heard some stories about the people in the sailing team. I've heard that when they have a bit of a win, they like to, you know, go for a bit of a wander.
A few sherbets. Yeah, you know, go and have a look at what some of the local offerings are. There's a few bars, a few clubs. I would have heard this.
Day one, some people will, like, make it to the Olympics, just do their event, like, not swimming, like any sport. And then if they're done on day one, they just go for it for the rest.
Like, you're walking around the village and people are just partying. It's, like, 3 a.m. There's, like, a designated, like, games room with, like, arcades, pool tables. It just goes off, like, 24 hours a day. It's just...
Are the rumours about the high level of romance between athletes, the high level of intimacy? I'd say so. I'd imagine so. I mean, you've got people like LeBron James getting around. Even if it's not, you know, I'd still like to think in my head that, you know, that's kind of what happens. No, I've definitely heard stories. I haven't had any experience. I've been, yeah. Going to Europe straight after your event. Yeah, with my girlfriend in love. Yeah. Well, that is interesting.
What's the feeling like at, say, the World Aquatic Championships? Like, where was it this year? Gwangju.
Right. Okay. South Korea. Right. That's every four years as well. Every two. Right.
You're across it. Is that a big event? Is that... Yeah, well... Obviously, it wouldn't... Like, we only have one major event a year, really. Like, it's... The Olympics is obviously the pinnacle every four years, but apart from that, it's Worlds once every two years or Com Games. Like, that's it. That's it for the year. Yeah. It's massive. Yeah. And, like, it's not... It's like...
Look at AFL or whatever. They get to play every week for a majority of the year. We have, like, one race or one competition across, like, eight days a year. And if you've only made it for one event, you might only have a heat. If football has had that kind of downtime, there'd be a lot of gambling things going on at all times. Yeah. Or if you had a kick to win the only game of the year and you missed it and you had to wait an entire year.
There's a bit of pressure. A bit of pressure.
Yeah. Oh, wow. Well, how do you manage your downtime? Like, between those two sessions a day that you've had every single day for 15 years, do you get to go to uni? Do you, like, get to work on tertiary or, like, outside of swimming? Yeah. I'm doing a uni degree business, uni degree. I've got a job at a bank as an analyst and, yeah, just, like, fill my days with things like hanging out with you guys. That sort of thing. Yeah. Great. It's good fun.
And would you imagine after you retire from swimming, you'd kind of get into that world again? Or would you try and- Back into the swimming world. Or would you work in that? Would you work in swimming?
Or would you go to, like- When I'm done, I'm done. All right. Yeah, I guess, you know, there's a lot more onus really to be in, like, the capital markets team or, you know, obviously not in emerging markets because, you know, you can't really spend too much time in one of the largest emerging markets in the world. But, you know, I'm kind of in the same boat. Like, when I'm done here with journalism, I'm done. You're done. You're out. Yeah. What's next for you then?
I'd say jail. Jail.
Roo shooting.
In China, if I ever go there. I don't think the government would be helping me, really. But it would work hand in hand.
Like, we kind of look at big banks. I don't know what it's like in Victoria, but you go Brisbane and Sydney, you kind of see a lot of cauliflower ears there, you know, in the boardrooms. Kind of a lot of ex-players, kind of ex-rugby players, especially, make their way to the top. Does it kind of- Do you find it kind of works hand in hand with, you know, sport and finance? Yeah.
For me, it's just about, like, doing something different, getting my mind away from swimming. Like, you spend so much time thinking about it, doing it. And if you're just at home, sitting on the couch, you're just, like, counting the minutes until the next session. It's like, I've got to go do something.
Do you want a gamer? You're not in that world?
No. Not in online sports betting, that kind of stuff? No, definitely not.
It sounds like you've got some pretty healthy hobbies for an athlete, for a professional sportsman. There's nothing professional about what you're suggesting as a professional sportsman.
Tell us, do you kind of, like, in the workplace, do they kind of hit you up every now and then? Like, hey, Mac, we've just got, like, this event, do you reckon you could come down and present? Or, like, someone will email me from Sydney, who I don't know, and they're like, can you come up and do this talk? I'm like, nah, we've got training, I'm sorry. It's like, hey mate, we're going to meet with a big client today.
This was honestly in my first, like, two weeks. They're like, oh, do you want to come sit in on this meeting with this client? And I was like, okay, good experience, good exposure. Hey, I'm climbing the ranks. And we got through the meeting, and the guy who invited me in is like, oh, he's a big swimming fan. And I was like, oh, that's why I'm here.
As far as, there's no difference to your family reunions getting wheeled out in front of, you know, the auntie starts showing you off. With the criticism that obviously comes from the Sun Yang fans, what do you think their thinking is? Are they just so loyal to their champion that they just don't think it happened? Yeah, I think loyalty, but like, don't spend that much time thinking about it, to be honest. And they're brainwashed.
We'll be editing that up. Yeah, but you do get hammered by emojis. A lot of Aussie flags with the poo emoji and that kind of thing.
Snake, the syringe. The snake and syringe is good.
We even got a few red hot DMs when we wrote about it. No, no, that's how I knew it was a big deal was when I saw a few articles. I was like, oh crap.
You don't know about it. Like when you're in the bubble, you don't kind of realize how big it is.
And I was just scrolling through Instagram. I was like, oh, the tuna. It was literally, it was the exact same as the Olympics. That was how it was covered.
It's almost like every time we write an article on China or North Korea, we just get slammed, which is interesting because we do have some people in the IT department who enjoy it because it's a bit different. It's out of the norm and they see it as a bit of a challenge. It's like, can I keep this website up with these people trying to take it down? I mean, that said, we should expect that though. That's what happens with other countries. Other countries are much more technically and like illiterate with the online stuff in Australia. We have a really bad NBN and we don't have every single citizen tapped in abusing people. Like, yeah, we do get a few brute force attacks. I mean, there's a lot of people for us, for example, tapped in online, abusing people every day. But yeah, the Chinese, they move with a lot of momentum. There's a few more of them too.
So what's next on the plate? We're in trouble. We can edit all this down.
It's really just training from here until the Olympics. It's just like a nine month block of just grinding it and seeing how far you can push yourself and hopefully come out on the other side better. What's your diet like just quickly?
Because if you believe the ads on television over the last 20 years, swimmers like to eat a lot of cereal. I don't mind a bit of cereal. I don't get paid to say I love cereal.
Syrup infused. No, but just like generally healthy food. A lot of it that healthy. Yeah. And I like you can tell when you're eating crap and you're sickening up a little bit. Yeah.
It was us last night in Chinatown. Jesus Christ. We really gave it a nudge. Oh, well, thanks for joining us today, Mac.
All the best into the future. And of course, in the Tokyo Olympics, the upcoming Olympics that are in Tokyo. Which I think we're probably going to Clancy.
Yeah. Are you? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. The village passes. Yeah. Really? Unreal.
No, I don't know. I don't think that.
We have to do. You could get a day pass. Yeah. I'll take you on a tour. Oh, we could hop the fence. It would not be coming home if you hop the fence. I guess. I'm not saying that.
There's there's there's way worse countries to be in jail and in Japan.
Yeah. No, we'll hopefully be doing a bit of stuff on the ground there. So, box pops in the light. Awesome. Yeah.
All the best, Mac. Thank you for joining us. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Thanks. |
SaturdayNightLive | truckstop_teases_saturday_night_live | You know, Charlie, I can hardly wait to see that little girl of mine sashaying right through that front door. I know what you mean, Jake. Becky May and Lizzie May are about the two of the finest little heifers this side of Big Joe's dinosaur Farm. Yep. you know, guys, I kind of hate to admit it, because I don't have a little honey lamb on my own, but I think I kind of hear your chicks approaching right now. we're here to fade you down, So we got perfume in town. they're trying to drown in women and names that do the work of men. people think that they are ducky, but they're also feminine. feminine, feminine. we're also feminine.
What's this funny feeling? it's just like grinding gears. am I looking at the future? dirty rearview mirrors? could this be love or just truck stop lust? I can't tell the difference when he's looking at my bust. looking for her bust. I feel hot. And it's not from the grave. my body's shaking. and it just won't keep still. I've been laughing. just I've been hit by a truck. driving one.
Oh, yeah. well, the loving time is over. it's time to hit the road. Sorry you didn't have relations, but we got to deliver our load.
Why don't you stay in and wash your socks? make a family. Why don't you watch the soaps at noon and corset on Tv?
I'll hold you tight against my chest and tell you it's all right. I'll make a snack, not clean it up, and then we'll have a fight. Thanks for the invite, boys.
Bye. we're truck driving women and we are highway bound. listening to the Cb radio is what makes our hearts pound. we ain't no good at living with two feet on the ground because we're truck driving women. truck driving women. women who drive trucks. Becky Mae, Lizzie Mae, we understand because we're sons of truck driving women. we was weaned on white walls and nurse done antifreeze. So jump on into those Peterbilts and dump your load in town. wait a minute. I like Johnny Carson. and I love you. I'm staying. this calls for a sound break. what do you say, girls? Okay, we'll stay another hour because. we're truck driving women and days that do the work of men. people think that we are dying, but we're also feminine. feminine, feminine, feminine. we're also feminine.
This little meet on Broadway, winner of five Tony Awards. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_An_Inconvenient_Sequel_Truth_To_Power | It is right to save the future for humanity, it is wrong to pollute this earth and destroy the climate balance, it is right to give hope to the future generation. This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be discussing Al Gore's and inconvenient sequel, Truth to Power, a documentary whose dire warning about climate change alerted me to how little time we may have left on earth, a powerful and unsettling message that finally gave my wife and me the courage to experiment with an open marriage. The follow-up to Gore's Oscar-winning 2006 documentary, an inconvenient sequel, serves as an even more pressing call to arms regarding the dangers posed by global warming.
The viewer is forced to consider how brief and precious life on this planet is, and as a consequence, whether all the love they have to give can be fully expressed within a single monogamous commitment. My wife Laura and I exited the theater startled to realize that the time for relations beyond traditional marital boundaries was now, if it wasn't already too late. It was a decision that, at first, frightened me, like a raging wildfire or howling tornado, but one that ultimately helped me discover a wellspring of intimacy that I never knew was possible. Of course, I was worried about jealousy. I worried about what other family members would say if they found out that my wife and I were inviting other partners into our marriage. But as this documentary makes clear, a dying planet compels us to live our lives, fleeting as they may be, to their fullest and most passionate. We now live in a world where the unthinkable becomes reality, and surely that's all the persuasion we need to love as widely and generously as we can bear, confining societal norms be damned. Just as policymakers, business leaders, and ordinary citizens finally regarded super storms like Hurricane Sandy as a wake-up call, I too have at long last finally awoken. The time has come for love unfettered from everything except our desire to share it. My marriage has gained unimaginable depth and fulfillment, with Marcos as my wife's additional companion and with the introduction of my own dear Jade. Life has joy and purpose I never knew it could, thanks to these beautiful people. I don't know how much time we have left on this planet, but I'm so grateful to be spending it with them, body and soul.
I love you. And I love you for loving my wife. For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ramaswamy_calls_gop_party_of_losers_ivanka_testifies_in_fraud_trial_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. the third Republican Debate was held this week, and Vivek Ramaswamy started by saying that the Gop had become a Party of Losers. weirdly, a Party of Losers was also how Nbc advertised the debate. Ramaswamy then criticized rival Nikki Haley's daughter for having a Tiktok account. he also stressed that it's not important how he knows her daughter has a Tiktok account. Then Nikki Haley responded to the attack by saying, leave my Daughter out of your voice, which was pulled directly from the Japanese subtitles of the Will Smith slap.
Ron Desantis' presidential campaign got a major boost after Iowa Governor Ken Reynolds endorsed him, also giving Desantis a lift, his leather hooker boots. The Fbi has launched a corruption investigation into New York Mayor Eric Adams by season two of his cell phones, one named Work Phone and the other named Shorty's and Shady Stuff. After new polls showed Donald Trump leading Joe Biden, Democratic strategists are calling Biden's reelection campaign a five-alarm fire, which is scary for Biden because in a fire, you have to use the stairs. a new census report shows that by the end of the year 2060, one out of every four Americans will be Latino. that's how good Bad Bunny's music is. On Monday, Donald Trump testified under oath in his civil fraud trial, though technically he was never sworn in because the bibles kept bursting in the flames. Ftx founder Sam Bankman Fried has been convicted of securities fraud, wire fraud, and illegally making a wig out of a labradoodle. the former cryptocurrency Ceo now faces up to 110 years in prison where ironically he will be used as an alternative currency.
A new survey shows that 92% of adults prefer to date someone who's been to therapy, while 8% prefer good sex.
In a new interview, Barbara Streisand said that she didn't like the way Siri pronounced her name, so she called Apple Ceo Tim Cook and told him to change it. read more about it in this month's issue of insanely unrelatable anecdotes. a new app has been introduced called Rap that claims it can show Instagram users who is looking at their pictures. uh-oh, said a bunch of high school teachers. a new study is being conducted to explain why redheads seem to experience pain differently. because they're all witches? Scientists that determined that the cause of the mysterious deaths of dozens of African elephants was a bacterial infection and not Margaret, the one elephant who stood to inherit everything. an Indiana woman was arrested after she drove her car into a building because she thought it was a, quote, Israel School. Well, that's why they don't let women drive in the Middle East. you don't like it?
A first-class dining menu from the Titanic is being auctioned off for over $80,000. the menu includes duck in a port wine sauce, spring lamb, and bottomless water. It's the Titanic. it's the Titanic, right? Sunk.
Domino's has launched a new program called Emergency Pizza, which offers customers a free pizza whenever they need it most, which is strange because all of my emergencies come right after eating a Domino's pizza. actor Jared Leto climbed to the top of the Empire State Building to promote his band, Thirty Seconds To Mars. The way the promotion works is, if we buy enough albums, he'll jump. scientists in New Guinea have rediscovered a long-lost mammal called a Monotreme, which has the quills of a hedgehog, the snout of an anteater, the feet of a mole, and the ass of an angel. my daughter has a Tiktok account. Ben, Nikki Haley responded to the attack by saying, leave my Daughter out of your voice, which was pulled directly from the Japanese subtitles of the Will Smiths Lab. Ron Desantis' presidential campaign got a major boost after Iowa Governor Ken Reynolds endorsed him, also giving Desantis a lift his leather hooker boots. The Fbi has launched a corruption investigation into New York Mayor Eric Adams by season two of his cell phones, one named Workphone and the other named Shorty's and Shady Stuff. After new polls showed Donald Trump leading Joe Biden, Democratic strategists are calling Biden's reelection campaign a five-alarm fire, which is scary for Biden because in a fire, you have to use the stairs. a new census report shows that by the end of the year 2060, one out of every four Americans will be Latino. that's how good Bad Bunny's music is. on Monday, Donald Trump testified under oath in his civil fraud trial, though technically he was never sworn in because the bibles kept bursting in the flames. Ftx founder Sam Bankman Fried has been convicted of securities fraud, wire fraud, and illegally making a wig out of a labradoodle. the former cryptocurrency Ceo now faces up to 110 years in prison where, ironically, he will be used as an alternative currency. a new survey shows that 92% of adults prefer to date someone who's been to therapy, while 8% prefer good sex.
In a new interview, Barbara Streisand said that she didn't like the way Siri pronounced her name, so she called Apple Ceo Tim Cook and told him to change it. read more about it in this month's issue of insanely unrelatable anecdotes. insanely unrelatable anecdotes. a new app has been introduced called Rapt that claims it can show Instagram users who is looking at their pictures. uh-oh, said a bunch of high school teachers. a new study is being conducted to explain why redheads seem to experience pain differently. uh, because they're all witches? Scientists have determined that the cause of the mysterious deaths of dozens of African elephants was a bacterial infection, and not Margaret, the one elephant who stood to inherit everything. an Indiana woman was arrested after she drove her car into a building because she thought it was a, quote, Israel school. Well, that's why they don't let women drive in the Middle East. you don't like it, or. a first-class min.
A first-class dining menu from the Titanic is being auctioned off for over $80,000. the menu includes duck and a pork wine sauce, spring lamb, and bottomless water. Oh. it's the Titanic. it's the Titanic, right? Sunk.
Domino's has launched a new program called Emergency Pizza, which offers customers a free pizza whenever they need it most. which is strange, because all of my emergencies come right after eating a Domino's Pizza. actor Jared Leto climbed to the top of the Empire State Building to promote his band Thirty Seconds To Mars. the way the promotion works is, if we buy enough albums, he'll jump. Scientists in New. scientists in New Guinea have rediscovered a long-lost mammal called a monotreme, which has the quills of a hedgehog, the snout of an anteater, the feet of a mole, and the ass of an angel. |
SaturdayNightLive | litter_critters_feline_feces_saturday_night_live | Honey, see you in an hour. it's Mom! you kids begged me for it, cat, and now you won't clean up after it. you can relax now, Mom, because litter critters are here. when you hear a scratch, here comes a batch. it's time for Litter Critters. the creativity kit for kids that turns every surprise your cat leaves you into a fun-packed figurine. First, remove the fecal waste and surrounding litter from the litter box, fill the sturdy polystyrene mold, press, and you've got a fresh new litter critter, pal, in less than a minute. I love you, Litter Critter. hey, I made a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And when litter critters start to deteriorate and crumble, there's plenty more where that came from. And litter critters are great for parties. Look, mommy, my very own squirrel. Oh. what's that smell? it's the smell of fun, Honey. not an annual whistle. Hear a scratch, here comes a batch. it's time for litter critters. Turn your litter box into a toy box with litter critters. I love it. |
cracked | why_iron_man_is_objectively_better_than_batman_today_s_topic | Hey, what's a 900 million divided by 18? I'm trying to figure out if The Dark Knight Rises will surpass The Avengers for the third highest grossing film of all time. Use a calculator. Oh. Useless math.
If they were grappling in a sauna, maybe. And even then, if they're allowed to bring their accoutrement. Are you sure it's a fight scene you're thinking about?
The Iron Man suit just makes more sense for crime fighting. It's got rockets, so he can fly away if he has to. It's bulletproof, so he doesn't have to run from the first thug with a nine. And it covers his damn face. But Batman doesn't need to be bulletproof or rocket powered or even cover his face. Batman personally is a ninja. So if things go crazy, he can just bat flip out of there like some kind of bat ass. What endangers Batman?
Guy with a machine gun? I think fair to say. A sniper with a clear line of sight to his chin area.
Meanwhile, what endangers Tony Stark, AKA The Iron Man? Oh my god, nothing. Because he has rockets and he's encased in armor. Yeah, but he's only as good as his suit. I mean, without that, he's nothing.
Bruce Wayne earned Batman by strengthening his mind and body. I mean, he invented things, he trained, he worked out, learned moves. You don't get bonus points for working harder.
This is life. Bruce saw his parents die in front of him. Tony spent some time in a terrorist prison camp.
And the general public doesn't care about either of those things. Yeah, fine. Bruce works out. But when Tony punches a wall, it explodes like the Kool-Aid man's dropping by. That's what people care about. People love Kool-Aid.
He's a drunk playboy who sells high-tech weapons to his own enemy. Which is even more awesome. That's like saying, here, take my gun. That's my gun. Come at me, bro.
Tony Stark commits multiple murders. I mean, albeit they're bad guys, but Batman doesn't kill anyone ever. No, he just maims them and sends them home to their wife and kids all sociopathed up. Batman, turning petty larceny into spousal abuse, one broken spine at a time.
You are a very grim guy. My costume sucks. Grim guy. Just gray.
Is this all because I tried to make you do math? Is this because I suggested you use a calculator?
No, no. No, I love technology stuff and just doing the easiest things. We all should do. It's just Americans. It's just smart guys just go right to cut to the chase and forget how to use our brains. It's fine. You're doing great. Everyone here is really smart.
Hi, um, I'm one of Cody Johnston's wacky characters that he does. Because he can't just talk like a human and do things seriously when he wants to make a point. I'm using this one to tell you to, you know, subscribe if you want to one of our channels. We've only got the one. Do it on the cracked internet. Bye. I'm fucking Cody. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_street_eats_snl | This is New York. it's a melting pot of over three cultures, and food is its universal language. my name's Rocco. my name's Tabby Cat. and my name is Donald Trump. I know, I know. we moved here for college, and we've been here ever since, except for Covid. today, we're gonna show you our New York, the real New York, one bite at a time. This is street eats. ha ha ha! Today, we're in the most Jamaican part of the city, Jamaica, Queens. and we are on the hunt for some authentic jerk chicken. mmm! and. Queens, make some noise! rice, the thinking man's chips. shut the f*** up. we're just here to find out what jamaics your food so special. Hey, New York! got it. So y'all just moved here from Connecticut, right? yeah! you have to stop yelling. Well, I noticed you are selling some delicious Jamaican food, but you yourself are not Jamaican. tell us about that. No, I'm Jamaican. how would that be? you don't talk like. you talk like we talk. spots like that are exactly what makes New York so great.
Whoa, hey, hey! this is so New York. Next, we decided to hit up a New York staple. the vodka. So we headed all the way up to the Bronx. And we walked here, because we could not find the subway. I think we'd keep going this way. Rule Numero uno. you've got to order like a New Yorker. Hey, yo boss, let me get some mayo and bread. hey. saline. Austin, so authentic.
I got it. Hey, forget about it. Oh my God! Oh my God! no! no! my father is a lawyer! Can't cut the line, man. we've been working all day. well, I hope the building you're working on explodes.
So they hated us there. Help, help, help, help, help! But at least we had friends with that fake Jamaican lady. she loved us. I hated them, but I read the comments on their videos, and no one should have to read that about themselves. I mean, the places when I saw said gay fail.
I made them some plain ass chicken and they loved it. very good. authentic jerk chicken. What a beautiful New York day. we had some chicken. cheers! join us next time on streeties, cause no one can do it like us. ha, ha, ha, ha. New York! ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! |
SaturdayNightLive | once_daily_estro_maxx_snl | Let's face it. life is pretty busy, even when you're not working. it seems like millions of other things suddenly come up.
So if you're like me, a busy guy in a pre-op transsexual in his third month of hormone treatment, you need an estrogen supplement that works for your schedule. hey, there they are. You deserve to be in the body you want. But most hormone replacement therapies require you to take five estrogen supplements a day.
Five? Who has time for that? But now there's hope.
Once Daily Estromax: A single daily pill that gives you all the sex-changing hormones you need. Because I don't want to spend my day taking estrogen, but I do want to become a woman. I'm the head of a major corporation. I can't spend all day increasing market share and turning my penis into a functional vagina. But with once Daily Estromax, I can work. while my estrogen does. Once Daily Estromax does what you need, grows, your breasts, redistributes your body fat and strengths those pesky male genitals. I'm becoming the person I want to be and without the hassle. Thanks Estromax! Once Daily Estromax tackles gender reversal, so you can tackle life. I need some syrup because my nipples are as big as silver dollar pancakes. That's once daily Estromax Once daily Estromax is a powerful dose of estrogen. If you do not wish to become a woman, you should not take once daily estromax. Men taking estrogen may develop an interest in Tlc. Say yes to the dress. Once Daily Estromax. Nature got in your way. Your estrogen pills, shouldn't you? |
cracked | why_the_world_no_longer_needs_james_bond_today_s_topic | I'd rather break this glass and slash my wrists. Okay, fine. I'll get tacos by myself. Sorry I asked when I am.
No, no. Daniel Craig said that about being in another James Bond movie. I guess he hates it. Oh, they must have taken him out of context. So you don't think he realized James Bond as a...
Sexist misogynist dinosaur. A relic of the Cold War. And an obsolete national defense strategy?
Because if James Bond movies were about saving today's world, they'd star a different hero. Are you trying to travellian me right now? Because if so, and look, I mean it's in the nicest possible way, but you are no Sean Bean, my friend. Like in the handsomeness department? Because in the movie he's got like a Bernie face. It's fine. I wouldn't want to be your Alex Trevelyan anyway.
Alec! God damn it, it's Alec for the 87th time.
But George Bond's 60s skill set is obsolete. We aren't perma-fighting the Russians anymore. Well now there is Bond! Bond! Damn it! Bond hasn't fought a Soviet since the living daylight. Ugh, adult in Bond. No, no. Modern Bond fights realistic enemies, terrorists, disgruntled ex-spies, nuclear proliferation, and fake Rupert Murdoch.
Who are all basically blow-felled. An elaborately weird extortionist with colorful henchmen and a base that goes boom real good. Bond movies take all kinds of real problems and turn them into guy with weird face thing. That's all they know how to do, and they're so out of ideas they're making Spectre, and it's called that because they're bringing Blofeld back from the day. There's precedent. Blofeld's been resurrected before. Diamonds are forever. It's canon. Here's some more James Bond canon, blowing up foreign neighborhoods and the London Underground and whole other chunks of major cities just because.
Maybe you could get away with that in the Kennedy years, but today someone would vine it. Also, very hard to be undercover when you're also a YouTube parkour sensation.
That's because Bond knows that no single life or building or awesomely placed truck of fragile stuff is more important than national security. Yeah, but if MI6 really cared about national security, they would've cut Bond loose long ago. A millennial Bond would stop modern threats, like cybercrime.
Yeah, but he's got Q! You can't have a team of Q's, even Q says so.
A realistic cybercrime strategy isn't built on preventing attacks before they happen. The NSA says Chinese hackers alone launched more than 600 cyberattacks on the US in the last five years. And that's just from China. You can't whack-a-mole an entire planet of hackers. At the very least, you'd call it hack-a-mole. And if we always retaliate like that, a lot of times we'll retaliate against the wrong target, because some hackers are very good at covering their tracks. That's why America's Director of Intelligence says... We should think before we throw rocks. And why people like Robert Kanaki, former head of cybersecurity policy at the National Security Council, say that hacks are going to happen. So the thing to do is find out when hacks happened, and where and how badly, and then just plan accordingly. A room full of dorks refreshing websites isn't a cyber-terrorism deterrent, or even a terrorism deterrent, because FYI, not all of our enemies learned how to code.
And except for the occasional SEAL Team 6 operation, we send drones after those kind of terrorists. Not a lone wolf alcoholic. Yeah, well duh, but no one wants to watch a movie about a bunch of flying death robots.
And yes, Alex, I understand how awesome I accidentally made that sound.
Yeah, drones are action-y. Yeah, because they cause more collateral damage than Roger Moore at a World Heritage site. A lot of drone attacks get the go-ahead without a positive terrorist ID first. And missile explosions are not sniper-precise. That's how, through November of 2014, the U.S. has targeted 41 men in Pakistan for drone strikes, but they've killed 1,147 people in the process of trying to hit those guys.
How do you have all of these things memorized? Oh, honey, did you practice this conversation beforehand? I could barely sleep, I was so excited. Your turn, go ahead.
Okay, okay, so what I'm saying is, why don't we ground the drones, scrap them for laser watch parts, then send a team of awesome James Bond's in instead. We could call it Mission Skyfall. No, not that, something else. I'm saying what we need more than a James Bond is somebody who could use those talents to make our drone program work better. If they could make our murder bots any more effective and less messy, that would have lasting benefits for our hard power and soft power. Soft power? Ugh, you can't have a James Bond movie about soft power.
They tried it once, Quantum of Solace. And let me just say, I almost walked out of that movie the third time I saw it in theaters. You know, for being terrible, Quantum of Solace is brilliant.
The villain's scheme is to win a water war, that is a relevant modern problem. The worse climate change and pollution get, the more resource wars they are going to be. Climate change affects everybody equally, a rising tide, water worlds, all boats. No one's saying that environmental issues are a matter of national security. Whenever you want to explain that. That is a visual representation of the Pentagon's 20-page climate change adaptation roadmap, which says that food and water issues create political instability, which foments extremism and terrorism. Wrecking our environment is the biggest security risk there is.
Do you prop props? It's not fair. It's really hard to find paper at an internet company. Fun fact.
Okay, so James Bond drives a hybrid Aston Martin on his ass-kicking missions to save the world. Representing something in fiction can inspire real world change. There's this documentary called Legends of the Night, about all kinds of people doing all kinds of good in the world, because they've been inspired by Batman. If James Bond became the face of not literally lighting oil on fire, he could make a tangible environmental difference. You don't need a slacktivist James Bond who sits around hashtagging energy awareness.
What's next? A James Bond ice bucket challenge, Pinterest, Snapchat in your cat. You know the ice bucket challenge raised $115 million in six weeks, right? There's literally no possible way. You could have known the conversation and go in this direction. How? And that the Johns Hopkins researchers who just made the latest big ALS breakthrough credited ice bucket challenge funding with facilitating their work.
Yeah, well, I can point to a thousand different ways in which that is an infinitely more boring movie than getting drunk, gambling, and blowing up a casino. And I can point to a thousand ways our world needs heroes who don't shoot first, who think before they act, who gather groups of people together for a common cause, and who don't burn up four continents per movie just to bang two broads. Well then congratulations, because A number one meathead Bond Daniel Craig is quitting. Which is a tragedy, because he is awesome.
Now, can we just take a moment to do some Bond speculation? I need to get back to work, but I will allow one moment of us simultaneously saying who we think should be James Bond on the count of three. Okay, on three. One, two, three.
Judy Dench, obviously. Obviously. Hey you guys, thank you so much for watching our video about James Bond and Spectre in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so we want to know who do you think is going to be the next James Bond or would it be a good option, you know? We've had Judy Dench. Judy Dench is an option.
I think Emma Thompson is an option. For sure, Helen Mirren. Helen Mirren would be amazing. Maggie Smith. Maggie Smith would be very good. Maggie Smith would be amazing.
What about Lady Mary from Downton? Yeah, that lady who's in, that one lady who's in all the Python sketches, like when they need a lady who's not them. Well that one lady from all the Python matches. |
SaturdayNightLive | airplane_song_snl | And I forgot my charger, damn it. headphones, sir. uh, yeah, sure. that'll be $29.99. what? no, never mind, thank you. Alrighty, sir. it's gonna be a long flight. is watching Brad Pitt in an Astronaut. Now I am the man who watches the man who watches the movie Catted Corner. To me, my kingdom is dead. I am rock-dog in this flight. So why will you watch, will you watch as the Man to my right? Well, and some headphones.
Life couldn't be better. And when I look up, I see they got my favorite movie ever.
I'm watching Ed Astra. Brad Pitt's in the Zone. I look over my shoulder and realize I am not alone because back there is a man. He's watching me. Mad he's watching my movie Catted Corner to me. His breath is on my neck. I can't keep watching like this. I gotta turn off the movie. His hand grabs my wrist.
Dude, what are you doing? I got nothing to do. My kingdom is dead so I am living through you. How can you even watch it? There's no captions. I'll keep it on. If you can tell me what just happened.
Probably Brad is at Astra. No, that's not his name. Then who the hell is at Astra?
You sound totally insane. He'll just play my sudoku. I do not know how. what? I never learned the rules and I am not starting. Now would you two shut up?
This poor soul has nothing. His kingdom is dead.
One day it could be you with nothing to do but stare ahead. I am the air Marshal on my plane. There's one rule you must do unto others as you have them do to you you hurt. One day you'll be the man who watches the man who watches the movie Cat and Corner. To me, if your kingdom is dead and your raw dog in the Sprite, then you will watch what he watches for the man to your right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enjoy your flight. Thanks for watching! |
dropout | health_science_is_bullsh_t | I can't believe he's eating that. So disgusting. God, Trapp, don't you ever think about what you're putting into your body? What?
It's an orange. Fruit is basically poison. If you wanna unlock its vitamins and nutrients, you need to drink it as cold pressed juice. Okay. Nevermind, juice is bad for you now. Juice is basically sugar water, which is basically poison. Fine, I didn't wanna drink it anyway. Wow, Trapp, no fruit?
I mean, you need vitamin C. How do you get it, then? You mix little packets of powderized vitamin C with water. Vitamin C is basically magic.
In that, I have no idea how it works and I believe it can do anything. Okay, explain again why I'm supposed to drink this. They say it's healthy. Who? They. What is it supposed to do? Be healthy. How? In what way? There was a headline on an article that I didn't read on a website that I can't remember that said that it's healthy.
Isn't that enough? No! Just drink it, you fuck. All right. Nevermind.
Processed powder is terrible for you. Why? Because it's processed. Ew, a processed. You should only eat whole natural foods like this grain you've never heard of.
Cargly, yum! Ooh, cargly. Oh, yeah. I have a cargly recipe that you have got to try.
What do you do? Because I tried it, you put a little bit of water and you steam it. Can I just eat my lunch? I feel like you're following fads with no hard science to back you up.
What? What is cargly? Cargly has been recognized as a nutritious food for centuries. They found it in ancient Egyptian tombs. Tombs? What?
Why is it good? Because it's old. Anything that old has to be right.
That's why I swish my mouth every night with coconut oil. That's actually really bad for me. Nevermind, I don't do that and I never have.
The point is, cargly is the best. Oh, nope, cargly is the worst. It's loaded with carbs, meaning it's basically poison.
Great, got it, yeah. But coconut oil is good again. Really? No.
Which is why I'm sticking with my broth. Oh, okay, well, I love soup. This is broth. It's different. How? It's healthier. In what way? In the way that it's not soup. Oh, actually, though, that is soup. This is broth.
Oh, actually, both of them are bad. But coconut oil is good again. Nevermind, it's bad. What's good is apple cider vinegar. And alkaline water. Those are opposites. No way. Grant, I don't think you should mix those together. Grant, Grant, no, no, no, no. Someone didn't get enough vitamin C. Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.
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TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_29_11_18_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates Weekly News Wrap, on Desert Rock FM, 96.5. G'day, my name's Bruce Hitchcock, and you're listening to the Weekly Petuta News Bulletin. Sitting alongside me is Wendell Hussey, and this week we're coming to you from down south, from the congestion capital of the country, Sydney. That's right, we're down here in Sydney because the Petuta Advocate road show is winding up down here. We've only got two stops left now, Canberra and Sydney, so make sure you grab tickets if you haven't done so already. Now it's been another big few days of news, Del, so let's get into it.
Kicking things off with the national news, and the Prime Minister has moved to assure voters that everything is fine with the government? That's right, Bruce, he has. Scott Morrison, the third Prime Minister in four years, told us that a landslide election loss in Victoria is absolutely nothing to worry about. This comes after Labor annihilated the Liberals in the Victorian election this weekend, serving as an indicator of how things could end up next year in the federal election. However, rather than panic and admit that something may be up, the Prime Minister said the Victorian election is simply a one-off, and like the Wentworth by-election, it's not at all indicative of how the rest of the country will vote in a couple of months. He said to us, Huh, it's simple. The Victorian people are out of touch with the rest of Australia. This government is 100% true blue in the fair dinkum department, and as dinky-dyes playing Aussie rules on the shores of Gallipoli after defeating the Turks, there is nothing to worry about.
We've got this. Well, there you go. Business as usual. That's right. Nothing to see there. And on the international scene, Bruce, we've gotten to the bottom of the recent death of an American missionary on North Sentinel Island. We have indeed.
The Batutah Advocate exclusively revealed this week that the young man was killed by the Sentinelese after trying to preach the benefits of CrossFit to the isolated tribe. The people of the remote island that has absolutely no contact with the outside world filled the preacher with arrows as he came bearing CrossFit pamphlets and reportedly tried to convert them to the cult fitness ideology. The Sentinelese were suspicious at the outset and then shot him after he refused to stop going on about the benefits of high-intensity interval training. It is not known when or if his body will be retrieved. A sad end for the young CrossFitter.
And Bruce, back home in Batutah, we broke an exclusive story about a young woman easing her conscience this week. A local secondary school teacher spoke to us about how she justified doing nothing with her day off by calling it life admin. Joel Cameron explained that she began to feel a little remorseful about having done fuck all with her day. However, rather than paying attention to the head noise, she justified the wasted hours as life admin. She explained that putting on a load of washing, doing a couple of things on the computer and paying a random bill from ages ago is all you have to do to be able to write off a day. But elsewhere around town this week, we covered the plight of the mature-aged uni student.
The 48-year-old mature-aged online CQ university student was left devastated by his inability to interrupt a lecture mid-sentence. After the lecture didn't stop when the aging man raised an interesting point about the workforce and how a scenario that he'd once dealt with was relevant to a certain aspect of tort law, the patriarch began to blow up, reaching fever pitch after receiving no response to his continued interjections. The semi-retired Silver Fox said he realised that no one could actually hear him. He explained his disappointment to us upon that realisation.
What's the point of me even signing up for this class then, hey? I've got a whole lifetime of experience at my accounting firm, and these young kids could learn a bloody thing or two from me. But anyway...
And on the sporting front, the Parramatta eels are under fire again. The beleaguered cellar dwelling club from the western suburbs has been found responsible for causing the recent dust storm that shut down the city of Sydney. While meteorologists originally thought the dust storm may have come from the western region of the state, the patoota advocate exclusively revealed that the blanket of dust actually came from the Parramatta eels trophy cabinet. The storm that swept over the city was caused by the club that hasn't won anything for a very long time, opening the cabinet to remove some random Jarrod Hayne memorabilia from a few years ago. The club did apologise for any inconvenience caused by the dust storm and also warned that the St Kilda and Melbourne AFL clubs should be aware of a similar scenario unfolding if they were ever to open their own trophy cabinets.
Well, that's good advice from the eels. Anyway, that's it for the news rope this week, thanks for tuning in. Don't forget to grab tickets to the patoota advocate roadshow if you haven't done so already. And don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next time, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussey. |
TheOnion | Animator_Misses_The_Birth_Of_His_Child_So_Mr_Incredible_Could_Have_Consistently_Sized_Penis_Bulge | I've got to succeed, so she can succeed, so we can succeed. I get it, Bob. I get it. When was the last time you slept? Who keeps track of that?
Hey, I'm Jamie Klein, and I worked as a visual effects artist on Incredibles 2. It's been nearly 14 years since The Incredibles premiered, and we at Pixar are so excited to continue the story of this very relatable American family. So much work goes into our features. It can take up to 29 hours to render just one frame. It's that amount of time and care that led to me missing the birth of my son to make sure Mr. Incredible had a consistently sized penis bulge. The original Incredibles was groundbreaking for Pixar, so we knew we had a lot to live up to. We broke ground on the sequel in late 2013. It was also around this time my wife and I first started talking about wanting kids. Creating a realistic animated character takes more than just a bunch of fancy technology. It takes lots of love and patience.
The same kind that I assume my wife put into her pregnancy while I worked on Mr. Incredible's penis. I admittedly had to skip out on a ton of baby CPR classes in order to make sure that no matter where Mr. Incredible was fighting bad guys, a cityscape, a jungle, whatever, the bulge was consistent. And my wife was a trooper. She would say, I haven't felt him kick in a few days, and then drive herself to the hospital while I worked. I'll never forget the night her water broke. I was at the Pixar campus, and I fell asleep in the studio puzzling through a rendering of the bulge. I woke up and there were all these voicemails like, I'm going into labor.
Where are you? Come to the hospital. Please pick up. I was so close to finally figuring out the proper shading, so I sat down to give it one more shot before heading to the hospital. But then I got the call.
Mr. Klein, your wife, and son are doing fine, both happy and healthy. I hope when audiences go to see Incredibles 2 this summer they admire all the technical details Pixar's animators put into these characters. Their hair, their eyelashes, the way their penises consistently rest up against their super suits. I know my son, in whatever city he and his mother are living in now, will be proud of me too. |
CrackerMilk | sent_on_a_magical_quest | Do you want to start it? I don't know how to start it. You can start it.
Get out. But I haven't even fucked it up. Get out.
Nice one. Idiot. Nice one, goob. You dumb dog cunt. Fucking idiot.
I'm just kidding. Stop. Come back in, goob. You can try again. I'll give you one more chance. Come back in. Sit down. Try again. It's all right. Make mistakes. Ready? So what do I say? Get out. Oh my god. I'm kidding. Come back. You can say it. Get out. I'm kidding. Goob, come back. Try. Seriously, try. If you sit in that fucking chair, if you sit in that chair, I will lose it, mate. Welcome back to the Crackamore podcast.
Hey, mate. How are you? Yeah, goob. How are you? Oh, I'm also good.
Why don't you intro it? I'm sure you won't screw it up. Hello, welcome back to the Crackamore podcast. Today, we're doing things.
Excellent job, my friend. That is excellent. Tom's really improving on his intro. He's very, very good. He used to just sound like one loud sound and now it's at least three. I'm improving on my English. Very good.
You know what I feel like doing today? Do you want me to ask how you're going? Yeah, do it. Here you go. Sorry? Here you go. Sorry? Here you go. You see how I've put three syllables, four syllables even, into one syllable. I don't know what it is you're saying. Here you go. How gun? Here you go. It's Australian. How you going? Here you go. How you going? Are you asking me how I am? Here you go.
I think he's speaking ye olde English. I think he might be speaking ye olde and gosh. And you know what? Who else speaks ye olde English? I do. Morons. And also... The ye olde. The ye olde from the medieval times. Hey!
Let's go to medieval times. Should we take the time machine or the stairs? I'm going to take the stairs. Me too. And we're here in medieval times. I love the stairs, man.
They're so sick. Okay. Now, what do you want to do? We're here. It's a bit of a holiday for us. Yeah.
I want to go to the stables just outside this key. How shocking. Tom wants to go to the stables. Well, you know what, Tom? I think we can oblige and we'll head to the stables there. Let's go to the stables.
I'll be right there. I'll catch up. No worries, Tom.
And we never saw him again. And we're at the stables.
Wow.
And look who's here. It's a boy. Hello.
It's me, horse boy. Horse boy? Horse boy. Whoa. Do you own horses? Are you part horse part boy? What the possibilities could be are endless. What are you? I'm a boy who likes horses. Is that your name? Horse boy? First name, horse, last name, boy? Yeah, I'm a horse boy. I'm a boy who likes horses. Wow. I'm not made of horse. I just like how in your class growing up, you had a horse girl. I'm a horse boy.
What's your favorite horse? My favorite horse?
Well, let me tell you about my idols. My idols are Mr. Hands and the horse that fucked Mr. Hands. Who's Mr. Hands?
You haven't seen that video? It's around on the internet of a man who gets fucked by a horse. He later died of internal bleeding.
Is that real? Oh my god. I'm a little alarmed that those are your eyes. Wow. I've got a quest for you, boys. Yes.
You'll notice around my stables, there's no horses. Only me, horse boy.
Can we go fire a horse for me to fuck? Get fucked? Comb? You'd like a horse so you can what, sorry? Comb. Comb it.
Hey, how about we go on a quest to find a horse? All right. I tell you what. You two go along. Start looking for some horses. I'll catch up. Just at the town over in town overland, where, where. Yeah. Just at the town over in town overland, there's a witch who makes horses. Let's go find her.
This is, I love medieval land. This is great.
How long have you been here for? Hello? Oh. Hello. Hang on, who's there? Hi. My name's Witchy Wang.
Oh, we must be at the town already. Are we at next town overland? No, no, no, no. To be honest, I'm just on the road.
I'm just a huge advocate for the rights of little hobbits. Very good. And I'm just on the road today. I'm sorry to bother you, but have you, what would you do, just a question, if a starving hobbit was found on the side of the road, what would you do? Would you like to sign my petition?
I don't speak English. I speak horse.
OK, the other thing is, what did you fucking call me, cunt? Tell you what, boys, you guys go along, and I'm just going to get a few more names on my petition. Yeah, no, that's fair. How many names do you have at the moment? What was your name? Elias. OK, and what was your name? Horse, horse boy, cunt. OK, so I've got two names on my petition so far.
That's all right, we'll see you later, Witchy Wang. Hey, Elias. Hey, guys, I'm here. Hi, Connor. Connor and Elias, look, just before we get to the town, there's a little pond here. I just want to go and have a little drink. OK. All right, hello there.
Hey, what brings you to my lake? Oh, my God, it's a little dumb frog, Connor. I'm said at the center. No, we just said you're a frog. Yes, and you're a frog. What brings you to my pond?
Well, horse boy, for some strange reason, was slurping up the water like a horse. A little drink. Well, you should fuck off and not touch my water, because it's a little bad for especially horse boys.
Are there eels in it? Aye, there may be a lot more than eels. What's in your pond? The water's really clear, I can see it. There's a pile of dead women. You should come in and find out. No, I can see it from the water's edge.
Excuse me, Sid. Why don't you look into my eyes, gazing them. Connor, don't do it. They're hypnotizing. I can't stop looking in his eyes. Connor, no. Come closer.
Oh, you've got such a sexy body. I have to get in the pond. Oh, yes, you're nearly there. One more step. Hang on, I know what I can do to stop this happening.
I'm going to get a horse erection. I thought you were just a normal boy, you liked horses. I'm a horse boy, and my large horse fetus is growing, and it's got in between their eyesight.
Look, now he's looking at my penis, and the contact's broken. Oh my god. Holy fuck, I almost fell into the pond.
No, what are you doing? What are you doing, horse boy?
I can't run away, my penis is already elongated. I've got a plan, give me one sec. Give me one sec, OK? I've got a plan. Run, run, run.
That was stressful, I don't like that pond one bit. There was a frog there, and my dick got large.
Well, we did all that running, and we've ended up at the town. We've finally made it.
Oh my god, look, it's the witch. Look, I'll hang back. You guys go see the witch.
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Hello? Clop, clop, clop. Hello?
Hi, is that the witch who can turn people into horses? Yeah, it's witchy wang here. Hello, witchy wang. Wait, didn't we just talk to you before down on the road? What's your name? Witchy wang. Would you have a petition? Is that you, witchy wang?
Let me have a look in my files. Is it just a common witch name, like Smith? Yeah, very common name, I'm going to be real. It doesn't look like I had a petition on hobbits here.
Are you the witch that can summon horses? You boys want to get some pussy later? Uh, yeah. Some horse pussy? Uh, no. Yeah, uh... Fuck me. I'll tell you what, I went to fucking Hogwarts or whatever the fuck it's called and all I wanted to do was like, cool, look, I love potions, I love spells, but can we get to turning people into horses because there's nothing better than going out on the town, getting some horse pussy, and just going fucking nuts with it, am I right, boys? Ha, ha, ha, ha. God, what have we done? Hey, miss, uh, witch wang? No.
Do you know Mr. Hands? Hey? Do you know Mr. Hands? Mr. Hands?
He's a man that got fucked by a horse. He's a bloody icon, he's my icon. Yeah. Can you summon me your horse that's the horse that killed him?
Can I be real with you, mate? Can I be real with you?
The thing is, I don't have to summon that horse, mate. Why's that? Because that big, long-snouted fuckhead is right here. Oh my god. It's the horse that killed Mr. Hands from the internet video. So, um, the bottom half is the horse that killed Mr. Hands, and the top half here is the half of Mr. Hands that wasn't completely destroyed by a giant gaping horse cock. Good.
We had to move around a few organs, but witchy wang here helped me out quite a lot. She works her magic.
I just wanna- Yeah, I really wanted to fuck the shit out of that horse, but you know what? It's really hard to climax as a strong, independent female looking at a really fuck ugly horse- Hey, you need to look away, it gets you from behind. You can't see the horse, it's like a surprise, a fun surprise. Missionary, I like the hooves just next to each ear, and I hold onto the hooves like this, and I look up like this, and I look in. Now let me tell you, if you ever look up at a horse like that, it is not a pretty sight. Their faces are very long, they make a lot of sound. So what I've done is I took the top off of Mr. Hands, put him on there, and now I get a beautiful man, and I get a well-endowed horse.
Wow. Would you like to come back to my stable and definitely, and just get coned by me and not fucked or fucked? It does sound pretty, look, Witchy Wang here hasn't coned me in a while, so. I just wanted to clarify something before we go through. This will be a transactional deal. I'm not just gonna give you my free horse cock away. You have my friend Elias. Oh, fuck.
Are you sure that's not Mr. Hands? He looks identical to Mr. Hands.
The same ugly fucked face and the massive horse cock. Yeah, it's like that, but instead of a big horse cock, it's just two big, massive testicles.
Oh, I see, I see. You know what?
I'll take them off, put them in a potion. Yeah, perfect. Make a little potion with them. Make a little potion with your balls.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And we did it everybody. Wow. Right off into the sunset. We got horse boy, his horse. Yeah, thanks guys. Hey, thanks to our patrons who are all the individual, like dead women that were in the pond, the frog. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
That's who you are. You're the dead, one of the dead women in the dead woman pile in the pond.
Get on my court. To medieval times, should we take the time machine or the stairs? I'm gonna take the stairs. Me too. And we're here in medieval times. I love the stairs man, they're so sick. Okay, now what do you want to do? We're here, it's a bit of a holiday for us.
Yeah, I want to go to the stables, just outside this peak. How shocking, Tom wants to go to the stables. Well, you know what Tom, I think we can oblige and we'll head to the stables there. Let's go to the stables. I'll be right there, I'll catch up. No worries Tom, and we never saw him again. And we're at the stables.
Wow. Wow, and look who's here, it's a boy.
Hello, it's me, horse boy. Horse boy. Whoa, do you own horses? Are you part horse, part boy? What the possibilities could be endless, what are you? I'm a boy who likes horses. Is that your name, horse boy, first name, horse, last name, boy? Yeah, I'm a horse boy, I'm a boy who likes horses.
Wow. I'm not- Hands? You haven't seen that video. It's around on the internet of a man who gets fucked by a horse. He later died of internal bleeding. Is that real? Oh my God, I'm a little alarmed that those are your eyes. Wow. I've got a quest for you boys. Yes.
You'll notice around my stables, there's no horses. Only me, horse boy.
Can we go find a horse for me to fuck? Get f- Comb? You'd like a horse so you can what, sorry? Comb. Comb it. Hey, how about we go on a quest to find a horse? All right, I tell you what, you two go along. Start looking for some horses, I'll catch up.
Just at the town over, in town overland, where- Yeah. I just did a town over in town overland.
There's a witch who makes horses. Let's go find her. This is, I love medieval land. This is great.
How long have you been here for? Hello? Oh. Hello. Oh my God, who's that? Hi.
My name's Witchy Wang. Oh, we must be- Witchy Wang.
Are we at the town already? Are we at next town overland? No, no, no, no. To be honest, No, no, no, no. To be honest- Are you just on the road? I'm just on the road.
I'm just a huge advocate for the rights of little hobbits. Very good. And I'm just on the road today. I'm sorry to bother you. But have you, what would you do? Just a question. If a starving hobbit was found on the side of the road, what would you do? Would you like to sign my petition?
Witchy Wang, I don't speak English. I speak horse.
Okay, the other thing is, what did you fucking call me cunt? Tell you what boys, you guys go along and I'm just gonna get a few more names on my petition. Yeah, no, that's fair. How many names do you have at the moment? What was your name? Elias. Okay, and what was your name?
Horse. Horse boy.
Okay, so I've got two names on my petition so far. That's all right. We'll see you later, Witchy Wang. Hey Elias. Hey guys, I'm here. Hi Connor. Connor and Elias, look, just before we get to the town, there's a little pond here. I just wanna go and have a little drink. Okay. Hello there.
Well, let me tell you about my idols. My idols are Mr. Hands and the horse that fucked Mr. Hands. Who's Mr. Hands?
Have you ever seen that video? It's around on the internet of a man who gets fucked by a horse. He later died of internal bleeding.
Is that real? Oh my God, I'm a little alarmed that those are your eyes. I've got a quest for you boys. Yes.
You'll notice around my stables, there's no horses. Only me, horse boy.
Can we go find a horse for me to fuck? Get fucked. Comb. You'd like a horse so you can what, sorry? Comb. Comb it.
How about we go on a quest to find a horse? All right, I tell you what, you two go along. Start looking for some horses. I'll catch up. Just at the town over in town overland, where, where. Yeah. Just at the town over in town overland, there's a witch who makes horses. Let's go find her.
This is, I love medieval land. This is great.
How long have you been here for? Hello. Oh. Hello. Oh my God, who is that? Hi.
My name's Witchy Wang. Oh, we must be- Witchy Wang.
Are we at the town already? Are we at next town overland? No, no, no, no. To be honest. Are you just on the road? I'm just on the road.
I'm just a huge advocate for the rights of little hobbits. Very good. And I'm just on the road today. I'm sorry to bother you, but have you, what would you do, just a question, if a starving hobbit was found on the side of the road, what would you do? Would you like to sign my petition?
I don't speak English. I speak horse.
Okay, the other thing is, what did you fucking call me cunt? Tell you what boys, you guys go along and I'm just gonna get a few more names on my petition. Yeah, no, that's fair. How many names do you have at the moment? What was your name? Elias. Okay, and what was your name?
Horse. Horse boy. Cunt.
Okay, so I've got two names on my petition so far. That's all right, we'll see you later, Witchy Wang. Hey, Elias. Hey guys, I'm here. Hi, Connor. Connor and Elias, look, just before we get to the town, there's a little pond here. I just wanna go and have a little drink. Okay. Hello there. Hey, what brings you to my lake?
Oh my God, it's a little dumb frog, Connor. I'm Sid the Centaur. No, we just said you're a frog. Yes, and you're a frog.
What brings you to my pond? Horse boy, for some strange reason, was slurping up the water like a horse. A little drink? Right, well, you should fuck off and not touch my water because it's a little bad for especially horse boys.
Are there eels in it? Aye, there may be a lot more than eels. What's in your pond? The water's really clear, I can see it. There's a pile of dead women. You should come in and find out. No, I can see it from the water.
Excuse me, Sid. Why don't you look into my eyes? Gazing them. Connor, don't do it. They're hypnotizing eyes. I can't stop looking in his eyes. Connor, no. Come closer.
Oh, you've got such a sexy body. I have to get in the pond. Oh, yes, you're nearly there. One more step. Hang on, I know what I can do to stop this happening. I'm going to get a horse erection.
I thought you were just a normal boy who liked horses. Aye, what brings you to my lake? Oh my God, it's a little dumb frog. I'm Sid the centaur. No, we just said you're a frog. Yes, and you're a frog. What brings you to my pond?
Horse boy for some strange reason was slurping up the water like a horse. A little drink. Well, you should fuck off and not touch my water because it's a little bad for especially horse boys.
Are there eels in it? Aye, there may be a lot more than eels. What's in your pond?
The water's really clear. I can see it. There's a pile of dead women. You should come in and find out. Oh, I can see it from the water.
Excuse me, Sid. Why don't you look into my eyes? Gaze in them. Connor, don't do it. They're hypnotizing eyes. I can't stop looking in his eyes. Connor, no. Come closer.
Oh, you've got such a sexy body. I have to get in the pond. Hang on, I know what I can do. Yes, you're nearly there. One more step. Hang on, I know what I can do to stop this happening.
I'm going to get a horse erection. I thought you were just a normal boy who liked horses. I'm a horse boy, and my large horse penis is growing. And it's gotten in between their eyesight. Look, now he's looking at my penis, and the car is broken. Holy fuck, I almost fell in the pond. What are you doing? What are you doing, horse boy? I can't run away. My penis is already elongated.
I've got a plan. Give me one sec. Give me one sec, OK? I've got a plan. What is it?
Run!
That was stressful. I don't like that pond one bit. There's a frog there, and my dick got large.
Well, we did all that. We've been running, and we've ended up at the town. We have finally made it to the town.
Oh my god, look, it's the witch. Let me look. I'll hang back. You guys go see the witch.
Let's go open a door. Knock, knock, knock, knock.
Hello? Clop, clop, clop. Hello?
Hi, is that the witch who can turn people to horses? Yeah, it's witchy wang here. Hello, witchy wang. Wait, didn't we just talk to you before down on the road? What's your name? Witchy wang? Witchy wang. Would you have a petition? Is that you, witchy wang?
Let me have a look in my files. Is it just a common witch name? Like Smith? Yeah, very common name.
I'm going to be real. It doesn't look like I had a petition on Hobbits here.
Are you the witch who can summon horses? You boys want to get some pussy later? Uh, yeah. Some horse pussy? Uh, no. Yeah, no. Fuck me. I'll tell you what, I went to fucking Hogwarts, or whatever the fuck it's called, and all I wanted to do, I was like, cool, look, I love potions, I love spells, but can we get to turning people into horses? Because there's nothing better than going out on the town, getting some horse pussy, and just going fucking nuts with it, am I right, boys? Ha ha ha ha ha! God, what have we done? Hey, miss, uh, witch wang? Yeah?
Do you know Mr. Hands? Hey? Do you know Mr. Hands? Mr. Hands?
Yeah, the man that got fucked by a horse. Yeah, he's a bloody icon, he's my icon. Yeah, can you summon me a horse that's the horse that killed him?
Can I be real with you, mate? Can I be real with you?
The thing is, I don't have to summon that horse, mate. Because that big, long-snouted fuckhead is right here. Oh my god. It's the horse that killed Mr. Hands from the internet video. So, the bottom half is the horse that killed Mr. Hands, and the top half here is the half of Mr. Hands that wasn't completely destroyed by a giant gaping horse cock. Good.
We had to move around a few organs, but witchy wang here helped me out quite a lot. She works her magic.
I just wanna- Yeah, I really wanted to fuck the shit out of that horse, but you know what? It's really hard to climax as a strong, independent female looking at a really fuck ugly horse head. You need to look away, it gets you from behind. You can't see the horse, it's like a surprise, an unsurprised. I prefer missionary, I like the hooves just next to each ear, and I hold onto the hooves like this, and I look up like this and I look in. Now, let me tell you, if you ever look up at a horse like that, it is not a pretty sight. Their faces are very long, they make a lot of sound.
So what I've done is I took the top off of Mr. Hans, put him on there, and now I get a beautiful man, and I get a well-endowed horse. Wow, would you like to come back to my stable and definitely just get combed by me and not fucked or fucked? It does sound pretty, look, witchy wang here hasn't combed me in a while, so. I just want to clarify something before we go through. This will be a transactional deal. I'm not just gonna give you my free horse cock away. You can have my friend Elias. Oh, fuck.
Are you sure that's not Mr. Hans? He looks identical to Mr. Hans.
The same ugly fucked face and the massive horse cock. Yeah, it's like that, but instead of a big horse cock, it's just two big massive testicles.
Oh, I see, I see. You know what?
I'll take them off, put them in a potion. Yeah, perfect. Make a little potion with them. Make a little potion with your balls.
Ha ha ha ha! I think I- And we did it, everybody! Wow. Right off into the sunset. We got horse boy, he's horse. Yeah, thanks, guys. Hey, thanks to our patrons who are all the individual dead women that were in the pond, the frogs. Ha ha ha ha!
That's who you are. You're one of the dead women in the dead woman pile in the pond. Get on my cock! Yes, and you're a frog. What brings you to my pond?
Well, horse boy for some strange reason was slurping up the water like a horse. A little drink. Right, well, you should fuck off and not touch my water because it's, you know, it's a little bad for especially horse boys.
Are there eels in it? There may be a lot more than eels. What's in your pond?
The water's really clear. I can see it. There's a pile of dead women. You should come in and find out. No, I can see it from the water.
Excuse me, Sid. Why don't you look into my eyes? Gaze in them. Connor, don't do it. They're hypnotizing eyes. I can't stop looking in his eyes. Connor, no!
Come closer. Oh, you've got such a sexy body. I have to get in the pond. Oh, yes, you're nearly there. One more step. Hang on, I know what I can do to stop this happening.
I'm going to get a horse erection. I thought you were just a normal boy, you liked horses. I'm a horse boy, and my large horse penis is growing, and it's gotten in between their eyesight. Look, now he's looking at my penis and the kite kite's broken.
Oh, my God! Holy fuck, I almost fell in the pond.
No, no, what are you doing? What are you doing, horse boy?
I can't run away. My penis is all too elongated.
I've got a plan. Give me one sec. Give me one sec, okay? I've got a plan.
Run!
That was stressful. I don't like that pond one bit. There was a frog there, and my dick got large.
Well, we did all that running, and we've ended up at the town. Yeah. We've finally made it.
Oh, my God, look, it's the witch. Let me... Look, I'll hang back. You guys go see the witch.
Let's go knock on her door. Knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock.
Hello? Knock, knock, knock. Hello?
Hi, is that the witch who can turn people to horses? Yeah, it's witchy wang here. Hello, witchy...
Wait, didn't we just talk to you before down on the road? What's your name?
Witchy wang.
Would you have a petition? A petition?
Is that you, witchy wang? Um, let me have a look in my files. Is it just a common witch name? Like Smith? Yeah, very common name.
I'm gonna be real. It doesn't look like I had a petition on Hobbits here.
Are you in a witch that can summon horses? You boys wanna get some pussy later? Uh, yeah. Some horse pussy? Uh, no. Yeah, uh... Fuck me. I'll tell you what. I need some fucking Hogwarts or whatever the fuck it's called. And all I want to do is like, cool, look, I love potions, I love spells, but can we get to turning people into horses because there's nothing better than going out on the town, getting some horse pussy and just going fucking nuts with it, am I right, boys? Ha ha ha! God, what have we done? Hey, mister, uh, witch wang. Yeah?
Do you know Mr. Hands? Hey? Do you know Mr. Hands? Mr. Hands?
He's a man that got fucked by a horse. He's a bloody icon, he's my icon. Yeah, can you summon me a horse that's the horse that killed him?
Can I be real with you, mate? Can I be real with you? The thing is, I don't have to summon that horse, mate.
Why's that? Because that big, long-snouted fuckhead is right here. Oh my god!
It's the horse that killed Mr. Hands from the internet video. So, um, the bottom half is the horse that killed Mr. Hands, and the top half here is the half of Mr. Hands that wasn't completely destroyed by a giant gaping horse cock.
Good. I did move around a few organs, but witchy wang here helped me out quite a lot. She works in magic.
I just want to- Yeah, I really wanted to fuck the shit out of that horse, but you know what? It's really hard to climax as a strong, independent female looking at a really fuck ugly horse head. No, you need to look away. It gets you from behind. You can't see the horse. It's like a surprise, a fun surprise. I prefer missionary. I like the hooves just next to each ear, and I hold onto the hooves like this, and I look up like this, and I look in. Now, let me tell you, if you ever look up at a horse like that, it is not a pretty sight.
Their faces are very long. They make a lot of sound. So what I've done is I took the top off of Mr. Hands, put him on there, and now I get a beautiful man, and I get a well-endowed horse. Wow.
Would you like to come back to my stable and definitely just get combed by me and not fucked or fucking fucked? It does sound pretty- Look, witchy wang here hasn't combed me in a while, so. I just want to clarify something before we go through. This will be a transactional deal. I'm not just going to give you my free horse cock away. You can have my friend Elias. Oh, fuck.
Are you sure that's not Mr. Hands? He looks identical to Mr. Hands.
The same ugly fucked face and the massive horse cock. Yeah, it's like that, but instead of a big horse cock, it's just two big massive testicles.
Oh, I see. I see. You know what?
I'll take them off, put them in a potion. Yeah, perfect. Make them make a little potion with them. Make a little potion with your balls.
Ha ha ha ha. I think I- And we did it, everybody. Wow. Right off into the sunset.
We got horse boy. He's horse.
Yeah, thanks guys. Hey, thanks to our patrons who are all the individual dead women that were in the pond. The frogs.
Ha ha ha ha ha. And my large horse penis is growing and it's gotten in between their eyesight. Look, now he's looking at my penis and the cock is broken. Oh my God. Holy fucker, I almost fell off. No, no. What are you doing? What are you doing, horse boy? You can't run away. My penis is too elongated.
I've got a plan. Give me one sec. Okay, I've got a plan. What is it?
Run!
Oh, that was stressful. I don't like that pond one bit. Oh, there was a frog there and my dick got large.
Well, we did all that running and we've ended up at the town. Yeah. We've finally made it.
Oh my God, look, it's the witch. Let me, look, I'll hang back. You guys go see the witch.
Let's go knock on her door. Knock, knock, knock, knock. Hello? Knock, knock, knock. Hello? Hello.
Hi, is that the witch who can turn people into horses? Yeah, it's witchy wang here. Hello, witchy wang. Wait, didn't we just talk to you before down on the road? What's your name? Witchy wang.
Would you have a petition? A petition?
Is that you, witchy wang? Um, let me have a look in my files. Is it just a common witch name? Like Smith? Yeah, very common name.
I'm going to be real. It doesn't look like I had a petition on Hobbits here.
Are you the witch that can summon horses? You boys want to get some pussy later? Uh, yeah. Some horse pussy? Uh, no. Yeah. Fuck me. I'll tell you what, I went to fucking Hogwarts or whatever the fuck it's called and all I wanted to do was like, cool, look, I love potions, I love spells, but can we get to turning people into horses because there's nothing better than going out on the town, getting some horse pussy and just going fucking nuts with it. Am I right, boys? Ha, ha, ha. God, what have we done? Hey, miss, witch wang. Yeah?
Do you know Mr. Hands? Hey? Do you know Mr. Hands? Mr. Hands?
He's a man that got fucked by a horse. He's a bloody icon, he's my icon. Yeah, can you summon me a horse It's the horse that killed him.
Can I be real with you, mate? Can I be real with you?
The thing is, I don't have to summon that horse, mate. Why is that? Because that big, long-snouted fuckhead is right here. Oh my god.
It's the horse that killed Mr. Hands from the internet video. So the bottom half is the horse that killed Mr. Hands. And the top half here is the half of Mr. Hands that wasn't completely destroyed by a giant gaping horse cock.
Good. We had to move around a few organs, but witchy wang here helped me out quite a lot. She works at magic.
I just want to- Yeah, I really wanted to fuck the shit out of that horse. But you know what? It's really hard to climax as a strong, independent female looking at a really fuck ugly horse. No, you need to look away. It gets you from behind. You can't see the horse.
It's like a surprise, a fun surprise. I prefer missionary. I like the hooves just next to each ear. And I hold onto the hooves like this. And I look up like this. Let me tell you, if you ever look up at a horse like that, it is not a pretty sight. Their faces are very long. They make a lot of sound. So what I've done is I took the top off of Mr. Hands, put him on there, and now I get a beautiful man. And I get a well-endowed horse. Wow.
Would you like to come back to my stable and definitely just get coned by me and not fucked or fucked? It does sound pretty- Look, witchy wang here hasn't combed me in a while, so. I just want to clarify something before we go through. This will be a transactional deal. I'm not just going to give you my free horse cock away. You can have my friend Elias. Oh, fuck.
Are you sure that's not Mr. Hands? He looks identical to Mr. Hands.
The same ugly fucked face and the massive horse cock. Yeah, it's like that. But instead of a big horse cock, it's just two big massive testicles.
Oh, I see. I see. You know what?
I'll take them off, put them in a potion. Yeah, perfect. Make them make a little potion with them. Make a little potion with your balls.
Ha ha ha ha. I think I- And we did it, everybody. Wow. I'm right off into the sunset. We got horse boy, he's horse. Yeah, thanks guys. Hey, thanks to our patrons who are all the individual dead women that were in the pond, the frog. Ha ha ha ha.
That's who you are. You're one of the dead women in the dead woman pile in the pond. Get on my co- |
cracked | how_trump_might_be_our_next_president_cracked_responds | So I got the Republican debate queued up here. Do you guys want to you guys want to check it out with me? Oh, no, I Would not thanks for coming to watch this horrible thing with me guys. Yeah It's on Fox News Why is Trump in the middle he earned it he's the he's the center Oh, they have like rules like if you're it's like a Russian egg doll thing of like top second It's like so because he's leading the polls he gets to be the center. Yeah. Yeah attention Which is what he's always wanted. He's the best one and this is it's like a show right? It's Donald Trump and the and the gopettes you've called women. You don't like fat pigs dogs slobs and disgusting animals Your Twitter account only Rosie O'Donnell Wow Rosie great wait a court booth vote. Why did he queue up like the 2004 debate?
Why did you but then everyone clapped because he's being a piece of shit. He's just like yeah, I call a person I hate mean names. I'm a bully clap for me.
This country is in big trouble. We don't win anymore We lose to China. We lose to Mexico both in trade and at the border. We lose to everybody Trump doesn't seem to have confidence in any aspect of America It's like we can't beat Mexico at the border our cars can't outrace accurate is anymore.
It's like offending me Right how is she he thinks it's also like no cars ever been able to outrun an Acura Yeah, he has I mean he has never gone bankrupt. That's true. It's true.
Let's hear him say he's Bankrupt I have never gone bankrupt by the way. I have never but out of hundreds of deals But sir me that's your line, but that your company have gone bankrupt. Let's hear him say it again Yeah, I have never gone bankrupt by the way I like I like that Donald Trump is told you've gone bankrupt a lot and his response is I go bankrupt better than other people I had the good sense to leave Atlantic City, which by the way Caesars Just went bankrupt every company Chris can tell you everybody else in Atlantic City went bankrupt way worse I did a much better job of it. Also screw you Christie for Atlantic City being in New Jersey That's your fault.
I don't trust President Obama with our records I know you gave him a big hug and if you want to give him a big hug again My grandpa's like yeah, well at least I didn't hug Obama once which a he's the president It's okay Regardless of your your politics like yeah, the president of your country like I'm not huge on George W But there was that thing last week where he was doing jury duty in Texas And so there were just selfies of him with jurors people being like, oh my god the president. That's cool Yeah, it's cool to meet a president. He was the president You don't have to like him at all Hey, look at me with this thing. The military is not a social experiment The purpose of the military is kill people and break things like it's never defended the country at all It's the defense program with like AIDS called the defense defense Is that what it's called? A presidential candidate should know that.
It's not an action here Friends of mine years ago were going to have a child and it was going to be aborted and it wasn't Aborted and that child today is a total superstar Trump's telling all these stories about like yeah, I was talking to this person last week in that politician way clearly you're lying This is like a made-up story or like you did it like four years ago. He doesn't even try to fool you There's I know a couple and they were gonna have an abortion But then they didn't and that kid that kid is a superstar now. That's you don't know a kid He managed he managed to say kid instead of prop which is good As president, would you bring back waterboarding? Well, thank you Megan. I wasn't sure I was gonna get to talk again Ben Carson I'm very excited to find out who that is at some point. I guess he does surgery. No, you know surgery Yeah, Carson stood out to me because everyone answered by not answering but he answered by not answering in a way that made it feel Like he wasn't paying attention You know like he was spacing out and remember it thinking about true detective and then right the question would come up and he'd be like immigration is Secondly, we are rehabbing the drug addicted 80% of the people in our prisons have addiction So I hadn't heard of Kasich before but he seemed to me like he had wandered into the wrong room like when he was talking about Rehabilitating drug-addicted prisoners and everyone stopped like What? Trickled away. I'm an old-fashioned person here and I happen to believe in traditional marriage And then then he said that he didn't support gay marriage and everyone was like, yeah And then he was like, but they passed the law so it was over and everyone was like, oh The court is ruled and I said we'll accept it What about just being a rationally angry about We have to stand you by because after the break we're gonna let the candidates make their closing statements their final thoughts and God Stay tuned for that Yeah, oh, it was amazing.
Yeah that tease wasn't even like we're gonna ask about God it's like we're gonna find out what the candidates have to think of this and this and this and side note I Want to know if any of them have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first Right does God speak to you directly and tell you what you should be doing which is be the president of America. I Want me just came here to the stage and asked what about the veterans? I want to hear more about what these candidates are gonna do for our nation's veterans So I put the question to you about God and the veterans which you may find to be related Well, keep in mind the question I just asked right, but in addition to that, what do you think of veterans? I know I asked you a really hard question of take a stance on God But also let's play some real hardball veterans question mark follow-up follow-up question Puppies, are you pro puppy? Are you anti puppy?
Well first let me say I think God has blessed us He's blessed the Republican Party with some very good candidates. The Democrats can't even find one Hillary Clinton do like during this debate. She was having the best night She was hanging out with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West No, they took a selfie together. It's fantastic and Kanye is just in the back of it Like oh, and then also she had like a headquarters set up where there are posters of The Republican candidates saying nice things about her in real life And that was just the response she left as like an out-of-office while she's hanging out with Kim and Kanye Yeah, just a fantastic way to live your life Yeah, so now that now that we've seen all these people go for two hours Who do you guys think is gonna come out on top Trump gets my vote? Because yeah, he's modest and earnest And that won't be over Hey, thanks for watching our responsibly Whatever that was fantastic GOP debates. Let's take some action. Let us know who you think one |
TheOnion | kathryn_bigelow_stuns_on_red_carpet_wearing_blood_soaked_rags_osama_bin_laden_was_killed_in | It's time for your Oscar's fashion roundup. Lots of hot looks to talk about starting with Zero Dark Thirty director Kathryn Bigelow who stunned on the red carpet showing up in the tattered rags of Osama bin Laden was killed in. Joining me now is Buzz finder style blogger Andy Van Saint. Andy, what did you think of Kathryn's bullet-ridden tunic? She looked perfect. When I saw her confidently strutting down the red carpet wearing nothing but the blood-soaked turban and robe of America's greatest enemy, I thought if this is a woman who is faced by her best director snub, she is not showing up. But some say she might have been outdone by her elegant lead actress Jessica Chastain who made an impression dragging a chained and naked Taliban soldier. Accessories are really the best way to show off your personality on the red carpet.
Loved it. Me too. But it wasn't just the women who dazzled you. No way, Carly. You know I love Ben Affleck, and I thought he looked more handsome than ever wrapped in a stylish George Clooney. Can't go wrong there.
A surprise of the night was Dark Knight Rises director Christopher Nolan. The stylish Brit arrived unshaven and a bit overweight wearing jeans and a Batman t-shirt. Not even nominated for anything, unclear whether he was a guest or just a fan this year. No one knows.
Yeah. Now if we are talking bold, Carly, how about Helen Hunt? I know! The session star turned heads on the red carpet sporting full-frontal beauty. Totally awesome. A brave choice at her age. But she makes it work.
Now, the Twittersphere was really buzzing about the disappointment of the night lay Miss star Anne Hathaway who showed up to the ceremony wearing that same dumb fucking grin we saw her wear at every award show this season. Come on! She has so many looks that make you want to hit her. Fake surprise, self-important, that condescending sneer. I know, Andy. So many choices. Why show up in that dumb fucking grin again? Hate her.
Thanks, Andy. Stick around. Coming up next, the producers of the Decoy Academy Awards designed to keep Nick Nolte at bay call this year's ceremony a huge success. |
dropout | guess_who_s_57_live | Hello Youth! Thank you for joining us on College Humor.
We are about to play Who's 57? YouTube Mobile Live Edition. Who's 57 is a real game show.
We're doing this for real. There is no script. There is no planning.
It's the game show where you guess who's 57. Let's meet our contestants. We have Cynthia Cowell, Zachoyama, and Siobhan Thompson ready in the studio to tell me, Grant O'Brien, your host, who's 57. The game's pretty simple. People will say who's 57.
Any celebrity living... I was about to say any celebrity living or dead.
But they have to be alive to be 57. I tell you what, I'm gonna change the rules right now. If they died at 57, I'm gonna take it. If they died when they were 57 years old, I'm going to accept that answer. Take that, judges! We'll play three rounds. The person who has the most number of correct guesses of what celebrity is 57 years old at the end wins.
And guys, we actually have an honest-to-god good prize. There's a prize today that you can actually take home. It's not money. It's not that. It is much cheaper.
I don't really know. I think that joke was a stab at political comedy. I don't know. I did my best.
Are you guys all set to play who's 57? Let's play who's 57.
Cynthia Cowe. Are we using these boards or are we leaving them late? We'll use the boards later. Did I spoil something? There are boards underneath everyone's seat. For now, don't worry about those. What you need to worry about is Cynthia Cowe.
Who's 57? Okay, I'm gonna say right off I'm gonna be very bad at this game I feel like because I don't even like to keep track of how old my parents are because I'm in denial that they are mortal. How old are your parents? I don't know. I stopped counting. At what age? After 60.
I was like, all right cool. We're good. I get it.
You're old now. Also, I forget how old I am sometimes. Do you think your parents are gonna watch this and think, oh god our daughter doesn't know how old we are? No. Oh god, our daughter thinks we're old?
This is weird because I found out like last year my mom's birthday isn't even her real actual birthday because she was born on a lunar calendar. That's cooler than having a birthday. She has a better birthday. She has a moon birthday. So then she picked Hitler's birthday. Of all birthdays.
What? Oh no, April 24th? Not 4-20th? But also Shakespeare's birthday. April 20th. Oh April 20th.
She picked 4-20th? She picked 4-20th. Oh my god. That's so sick. She doesn't smoke weed and she actually texted me the other day, don't smoke marijuana even though it's legal now in your state. So she picked like...
Who's 57? So we know who's 57 is younger than your parents.
Yes, all right. That's a good, okay.
Um, my first stab in the dark is Edward Norton. Edward Norton.
What? I didn't say no concept. No I didn't. See this is my, I had no, okay I'm not, I'm not getting the prize. Edward Norton's like 43. Okay, well see I don't. Let's see. I don't know. We're gonna take a minute.
The judges are pulling up Edward Norton right now. Okay. What? How old were you when you thought that Ed Norton, um, when you became aware of Edward Norton? Um. This 57-year-old. Edward Norton. Let's see how old Ed Norton is. I would say like, oh no, okay in 10 years. Is a decade younger. Is this like a real estate license? Okay. That's from when Ed Norton tried to open a hotel. All right, so no points for Cynthia Cowell on Edward Norton. Zachoyama. Yes. Who's 57? Okay.
It's 10 years older than Edward Norton. 10 years older than Edward Norton.
If I can logic it out. The thing is I played this game last year and I'm realizing that none of the answers we had from last year are correct still. No. And I already forgot them anyway. Unless one of those people died. Because I will take, I will take an answer. Um okay.
The, the person that I think was in the ballpark that I can't really remember is John Travolta. John Travolta. Um, I actually think that's a really good answer. I think John Travolta might be 57. I think John Travolta is now 58. Because I remember last year John Travolta being a correct answer.
I have, was he? I have to tell you guys. That, that feels like cheating. It, it, it feels like cheating to me to remember how old someone was last year. Wait a minute, that's not cheating. That's just knowing how old someone is. Yeah, I mean like.
Also he's not 57 anymore. He's 58.
It's cheating but I'm wrong. So it's not.
Um, do you like John Travolta? Is there anything you remember John Travolta from?
He's fine. Oh my god. He's been in some great movies. Yeah, yeah.
I mean not lately but. Oh, that's not nice. 62! 62! I'm sorry John Travolta. I feel like I was a little harsh on you just now. Did you watch People vs. AJ Simpson? I didn't. I knew that was good. This is what I said. You can't get on John Travolta.
Yeah. He's fine. Yeah. He's fine.
Uh, Siobhan Thompson. I was wrong.
Who's 57? You know, I'm gonna go with because, uh, she's the same age as my mom, I think. Um, you're gonna make fun of me for this answer because it's very British. I have to stop you though. Is your mom 57? My mom is 58.
Okay. So. Yes.
So, no, but like I think that, but my mom is like. You're roughly the same age. Roughly the same age. I see where you are.
I'm like bullpocking it. Right. Bull. It's a ballpark figure.
You heard of this phrase? That is a phrase.
Never mind.
It is real in the world. A ballpark figure. It's okay. You're saying it's so English though. You're saying it's so.
I was, that was me being mean about your accent. Zach was making fun of your accent just now. These people are so mean.
I'm god damn it. I came to this country with nothing except a lot of education and a lot of privilege. And here I am.
Uh, no, my answer is Emma Thompson. Emma Thompson, I think is 57.
Can I tell you something? What? I know how old Emma Thompson is. What? How do you know?
How do you know how old Emma Thompson is? Emma Thompson is 57 years old. This is going to be a right answer. Um, how do I know how old Emma Thompson is? I looked it up before we started. It's okay for me to know who's 57. Emma Thompson is 57 years old. That is one point for Siobhan Thompson, our new leader of who is 57.
Siobhan, you're one step closer to this honestly great prize. Again, if it's not money, I don't care. But thank you so much.
What if it's an iPhone 7? Oh, if it's an iPhone 7, I do care.
Definitely neither. Um, Cynthia Cowell, we're about to start round two. How are you feeling going into it? I feel now I have some sort of baseline. So I think my next answer will definitely be older than 47. Older than Edward Norton, younger than John Travolta. That's the hard part.
All right. Well, do you have one in mind? Are you ready to go? All right.
Tell me, who's 57? Michael Keaton. Oh, I think that's a really good answer. I will say that I think it's wrong. I actually think he might be older. That's my issue.
I think he might be better than Edward Norton. It's much, much better than Edward Norton. I'm just going to go through the whole birdman cast.
I feel like in spotlight, he was playing someone like close to retirement. Oh, boy. He looks 57 in that picture. That's almost, that's almost farther away. He just lives his life with such, like, looks like nothing.
Michael Keaton is great. Michael Keaton is just great. And what an amazing career. Like he was a comedian, and then he did like these dark things. And he's just like, great. We like you, Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton, if you're watching the people playing Who's 57, love you.
Big fans. And we think that you're much younger than you actually are. So that's good.
I bartended for him once. You did? Zach, who's 57? No, no, no. Was he a good story or did you just buy a picture? No, he was really nice. Yeah, I tipped great. Michael Keaton, you tipped me great once.
Who's 57? I think that is William H. Macy. Good answer. That's a great answer. I think he's older. William H. Macy? Yeah, I think he might be right around 57.
Do you have a favorite William H. Macy performance? I think Fargo's great. Oh, so good.
And Magnolia. Oh, he's so sad, Magnolia. He's so sad in Magnolia.
New rule, you can only say great actors. William H. Macy is... Oh, yes!
They look great. You look great. William H. Macy, if you're watching, we all think you look great.
Here's the thing that is a challenge with this game is that sometimes the memory of the person that you have is when they were 57. Do you know what I mean? Michael Keaton, in my mind, is 57 because that was the last performance that I stole from him. Sure, sure, yeah. God. I'm so glad it's older than mine. All right, well, folks, this could be the last answer. Siobhan might have run away with it. Oh, wow.
We could play a third round if... Well, we would play a third round if there was a tie, but right now it's not looking great. Mathematically, a tie is impossible.
So those boards that are under your seat that you're asking about, never worry about them. Never ever worry about them.
So Siobhan Thompson, for the final question in the game, who's 57? I'm going to go Alec Baldwin. I feel like he's going to be older. I feel like he's going to be in his 60s. I was like, maybe Steven Baldwin, but I think Steven Baldwin is younger. Than 57? I think that he's maybe like 55.
I would like to start with Alec Baldwin, and then I'd love to find out how old Steven Baldwin is. Alec Baldwin's your answer. Yes, Alec Baldwin is my answer. Steven Baldwin's like, I haven't seen him since in 20 years. Yeah, my idea of Steven Baldwin is, again, as a fresh-faced 22-year-old before he had a lot of bad opinions. Alec Baldwin is 58! Wow, Alec Baldwin, you look like hell!
Hey, congratulations on that hot wife, though. Oh boy! He's got that hot wife.
I was also Alec Baldwin's waiter. Do you have a good story about Alec Baldwin, because your Michael Keaton one was very boring? No, he also took great. Alec Baldwin, you took great.
You look like hell. Now, I'd love to find out how old Steven Baldwin is. We're looking that up right now. There's no way they're a year apart. No, no, no, no. Irish twins, 55.
He put him at like 51. I'd say 53. All right. Do I get points if he's 53? I said 55 up top. Zach, I will give you half a point if he's 53. What? What about 54? All right, if anyone's right about Steven Baldwin, you can have half a point. Steven Baldwin is 50.
Steven Baldwin, you look like hell. You look like hell. You look like hell, Steven Baldwin.
He's got a lot of bad opinions. Oh, man.
Well, that means that Siobhan Thompson has won Who's 57 YouTube Mobile Live edition. Thank you, Emma Thompson. You're always there for me. Emma Thompson. An honor sharing your name. We also didn't spend any time on Emma Thompson's also great. She's great. Emma Thompson might be my favorite.
Again, started off in sketch comedy. Nobody talks about it. I honestly got up to get the prize.
Commenters, the first comment, if it's yes or no, I'm going to take that. Would you like a third round? We've got yes and a more. Yes, and more. Are there a bunch of no's now? Well, you know what, though? The eyes have it.
Cynthia, who else is 57? Tim Roth. Oh, Tim Roth is an interesting choice.
I actually feel like I don't know. He might be like 52 and just have been mature. You know, I feel like he's a mature person.
Do you have a favorite Tim Roth performance? I love Tim in Four Rooms. Oh, Four Rooms is really good.
Yeah. I've never seen it. I really recommend Four Rooms. He's excellent for a long time. Yeah. Oh, Tim Roth. Thank you. Funny, Tim Roth was the bad guy in The Hulk starring Edward Norton. Wow. Two of your guesses. Cynthia's only seen one movie and it's The Hulk starring Edward Norton. Hey, I just had an idea.
This last round, so our prize is in three parts. What? It's in three parts. What? You giving away my prize? Yeah. Oh, this is exciting. Whoever gets closest this last round gets one third of the prize.
And Cynthia's done great so far. Ooh, I have so much power.
I don't understand. You have one. Okay, go for it. Zach, I don't have to get it. Let's just keep going.
Zach, who's 57? I think that you said dead. Yeah, they died at 57.
I know one. Oh, that's cheating. No, it's not. Oh, okay, fine.
Prince. Ooh, well, Prince died at 57. Prince definitely died when he was 57. Well, Zach gets a third of the prize unless Juman can also pull one of these out. We could look it up, but Prince definitely died when he was 57. And I feel like if we see a picture of him, it might make everyone sad.
Let's do it anyway, though. Screw it. Let's have some fun.
I mean, this is the rule that you came up with halfway through this game. I've been doing that a lot. Is it better or worse if you change the rules in the middle of the game? It's probably worse because it undermines the sort of contract of the game. What if it's the electoral college?
Hey, man. Also, that's a tough thing that I can't really unpack right now. Like, man, one person, one vote. That's probably... That's a good point. I'm down with that. We're going to discuss really anything on who's 57. Let's really get into it. Uh, here, okay, that's Prince.
Oh, yes, 57. Yes, he died when he was 57 years old.
He looked great. Prince was the greatest. You're watching right now. You look great. Still looks great. You look great.
Siobhan, who's 57? You know, I've thought long and hard about this. And I'm going to go... And I'm open to being very wrong on this.
Cheryl Crow? She may be way young, but I feel like she was older than I used. I feel like she could have just been because I was a child. I just wanted to say somebody who wasn't an actor. I think that's nice. I feel like Cheryl Crow. She was like 39 when she was making songs, wasn't she?
No, I don't think she was. I could be very wrong. There's nothing wrong with thinking someone's older than they are. So I don't know why we should assume this person would be insulted. I also don't know why we should assume Cheryl Crow will see this.
Although she does, Cheryl Crow, you are really cool. Cheryl Crow, I'm a big fan. Cheryl Crow rocks.
Yeah, look at this. I think 50. Very close. Cheryl Crow.
You doubted.
Cheryl Crow, you look great, and I'm a big fan of your music. Yeah, Cheryl Crow looks. Every day is a winding road, Cheryl Crow, especially now.
All I want to do is have some fun until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard. Santa Monica Boulevard.
It's tough to find the meter if you're just talking like that. Well, that means that Cynthia has lost. That means that Zach has won one third of the prize, and Siobhan gets two thirds of the prize.
The prizes we have for today are the blenders we used in Smoothie of Death, one of our old YouTube mobile live videos. Go back in your feed and watch that. We have three blenders, and we couldn't return them, because we used them to blend candy corn. Siobhan, you get two blenders.
Thank you. Zach, you get a blender. How do you guys feel? No, I did need a blender, so I'm actually pretty excited. Well, now you have two of them. Cynthia? Yes? Would you like a blender? I'd love one. Thank you.
The only loser is Grant. Grant is the big loser here.
Well, I'm pretty used to that. Folks, thank you so much for watching Who's 57? We're going to be doing more of these live videos. Make sure you check us out for that. Have a great rest of your day, and remember, there's nothing wrong with being 57. Isn't that? That's no. Oh, we'll keep talking to fill this part. |
cracked | the_most_hilariously_failed_attempt_to_spice_up_politics | I'm so excited! I'm Batman.
Now speaking, Illinois Representative Joe Walsh. Thank you Mr. Speaker.
President Obama, why aren't you serious about securing the border? Why do you consult with Latino celebrities like Eva LaGoria to get their take on immigration reform? Why do you bring up immigration reform again? Keep talking about it until you mention it.
Alligator.
Hey. You know what, Mr. President?
A mote might not be a bad idea. What's going on here? I think he's not even holding it up. Oh, there he goes. No, I'm talking... what's going on here? Props, man. Get with the program. We're all doing it. What's these Texans doing? Arizona Representative John Sadegh. This is mad. No fair! The body believes in freedom.
You know, it's not even his baby. You should have to make your own baby. Don't tax me to pay for healthcare that you guys want. Make your own baby, Connie!
So this is the thing we're doing. Everyone's got props. That's props in Congress. Is it actually working? I have a chart here that shows not Sir Lancelot, but Sir Tax-O-Lot. Snap! Man, Grassley's good, isn't he?
Is he? I have no idea. Yeah, look at him. He's got a whole story going on, you know? Taking us on a journey. I would not want to follow him. Hey Jersey Senator Daniel O'Brien. That's me, I'm next. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't bring anything. He's screwed. Are you next? Yeah. Oh my God. Are you? Yeah, yeah. I'm Senator now. We're telling immigrants to stay when we should be telling them to shoo. Hey, check this out.
Shoo.
I've got chest. Pains. You're f***ing kidding me.
Hey! Neato! Frog twins! What's your fit?
See, the Fed needs to be more transparent. Because so many people out... F*** you. So many people out there are saying the glass is half empty and we can... There's more.
I'm not a fan. Of Seoul. That's alright. No one is.
Hey, I'm Nick. I work at the IT department for Cracked. Please subscribe so the guys can continue doing more antics and jokes in the office and I can stop doing my job. Party noises! Hey, Nick. I'm a party. I'm a bigger party. |
SaturdayNightLive | poland_invades_ussr_saturday_night_live | I've just been informed that at 1128 Greenwich Time, the army of Poland swept across the Northern frontier at Ustaka and rolled into Russian soil. Poland has invaded Russia. I repeat, Poland has invaded Russia. at this point, information is trickling in slowly. the situation, obviously unclear, details hazy.
I'm sorry? I've just been told that the Polish Ambassador is standing by. I think we'll have that for you shortly. Boy, this is a shock. I wish I had some more information for you. we know that Poland has invaded the Ussr, and apparently, we would like- Hello. how are you?
Oh, boy, what a night. What a night this is, oh boy. well, I think we have that hookup.
Now, hello, Mr. Ambassador. Hello.
Mr. Ambassador. has Poland invaded Russia? can you confirm that for us? Oh, wait. wait a second. wait. let me make this clear. this is not, this is not a military action. this is strictly a police action, a police action in response to obvious political instability. we cannot afford to have an unstable Russia on our border. Oh, boy, what a delight this night is. Mr. Ambassador, the Soviet Union is so powerful. how can you expect to win? We have the element of surprise, and our men are so eager.
It saddens me to say that I've heard reports of some raping and pillaging. What? raping and pillaging in Russia? No, in Poland. But that was before they left.
Oh, boy, what a night. What a hell of a night. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Well, there you have it. it's official.
Poland has invaded Russia. we'll keep you informed as this crisis develops. Once again, the big story. Poland has invaded Russia. Stay tuned for further details as we receive them. |
cracked | five_horrifying_secret_rules_of_life_in_a_movie_universe_after_hours | You still do you though. I know the rules. Okay, even in a George Clooney movie, that doesn't make you George Clooney. You mean any more than I already am? It's Clooney. Do we even have to have this argument? It's just a broader version of something we've already talked about. It's simpler, is what it is. For a socially awkward guy like me, living in a movie universe with rules.
I can explain.
I still don't. Alright. What kind of movie are we talking about? Action. Horror. Any.
This theory assumes that all movies take place in the same universe, all governed by the same all-encompassing movie laws. Right. All movies have the same underlying rules. Things that only happen that way in movies.
Those are the perks that we're talking about. You're on his side already? I want to win one. Look how prepared he is. Hey. How prepared we are. Point one.
Movie characters are better than real people. It's impossible to tell what someone's actually thinking or feeling. Oh, right. It's not like you could rely on facial expressions or social cues. Tone was exaggerated and you smirked. Sarcasm. What my associate is trying to say is that movie characters are easy to navigate. Movies are short so in order to save time, characters wear their thesis like a t-shirt. Exactly. Reality all comes down to social grace and being able to decode complicated face shapes. Five minutes into a movie, a sassy friend character will walk in and say, you know what your problem is?
You're a burnout loser. Or you're too uptight. Or you weren't too much. Thank you. Now I know what I am. Easy. Or they just announce it themselves apropos of nothing.
I'm emotionally unavailable. I'm emotionally damaged.
But somehow in that world it works even though it's absurd to think of real friends just sitting around trading exposition. Isn't that our us? Real friends, Michael.
There is no room for guesswork. No opportunities to misread signals.
That guy is the cocky alpha male. That lady has trust issues. That man is a Batman.
Everyone fits into a nice data set the way that God calculated. That was a plus sign, not a cross. And you really want to live in a world where everyone is two dimensional? I really do. Wouldn't life be easier if you never had to worry about accidentally offending somebody's sensibilities? I already don't worry about that. Although yes, it is very easy the way I live.
Wait a second. You think that there are less misunderstandings in movies? Almost every single comedy relies on the idea of someone taking something the wrong way or taking it out of context and then stumbling into some wacky adventure just because they misunderstood. You want to live there? Point two. Movie plots are better than real problems. The beauty of a movie is that every misunderstanding eventually gets neatly wrapped up. Yes. At the end of a movie, no question goes unanswered.
The bad guy gets his commandments. The people who are supposed to get together get together. The good team wins the championship game. The guy gets the dream job and the dream girl.
Yeah, if your dream job is architect. Do you have any idea how many movie protagonists are architects?
I do. And I will list them now. And if you're a woman, you do something vague with TV or you own a bakery or some other piece of cute specialty bullshit.
Over half of all men would be architects. That can't be good for the economy. And boring. That is too many architects. Running around in their blazers, competing over who gets to design Katie's pie shop.
We'd also make homemade cat food, but we'd put it in a little pie. So it's like a little pie for your cat.
What, are you kidding? In the real world, 53% of architects are unemployed. And the ones who do have jobs are miserable because there's nothing left to build.
Why would you know that? Huh? How could you possibly have architect job satisfaction statistics prepared for this? Pull the card. What else does the card know? Ask it how I die.
Even though real architects are jobless and miserable, somehow in the movie world, they're crushing it. As a fast-talking white creative type and a quirky charming girl type, Katie and I would be nailing it in the movie world. Katie's little house of pies and little cat pies is going to blow up.
Oh, I hate that name. Oh, man. So, job security. I mean, that's another point. Probably deserves its own card, right? Me too. Soren, we're losing. You are blowing this for us, Soren. Shut up. I got this.
How about how in movies, there are never people living normal, stable lives. Movies are predicated on chaos and conflict. Even when things are going really well, the universe will conspire to flip your entire life upside down.
Yeah, and then I'll just learn some lesson from the experience and change for the better as a result. Learning hella lessons all hella day. Yeah, every hella day. Constant transition periods, always redefining new aspects of yourself.
Doesn't that sound exhausting? In movies, the stakes are always high. For someone like me, that's exciting because I like meeting new people and I crush adventures. But for you, it'll be a nightmare. You never catch a break, Daniel. There'd always be one more heist. One last big gain. One last soul-growing false imprisonment to suffer.
You think you're anxious and stressed out now? I do. There was a waitress here who smiled at me six months ago and then she didn't smile at me the day after, and I'm worried if I offended her. I have a couple of theories about why I know. Oh, too sad. A socially awkward train wreck like you, a fence intended, could never hang in movie work. Daniel, did they just win? Dammit, I studied for this!
It would be exciting, though, for us normals. Think about it. No more boring family holiday events. Every meal would be crazy or romantic. You'd never eat soup again without learning something shocking or getting an unwanted foot job under the table. Man, think about sporting events. Every single one of them would be a nail-biter that comes down to the last few seconds.
And when you die, you die hard. Could I still have my bakery, though? No. Hey, Daniel, what's your card say about you guys cracking up under pressure like a couple of bee-holes? My name is Dan.
I don't like haircuts. I don't like physical contact with other people. For a while, I did this thing where I didn't hug anyone.
That didn't last very long because I'm very lovable. I need glasses. |
dropout | breaking_up_with_your_football_team | Thanks for seeing me. You really hurt me last year. You made all these promises. I thought it was our year. And then you butt-fumbled off your own linemen and lost to the Bills? I don't even know why I came back. I think you missed us. Of course I missed you.
The baseball season is so boring.
Yeah. Look, I'm getting my shit together. I've got a new quarterback and a new offensive coordinator. That's exactly what you said last year. This time we mean it. We're a changed team.
No, you don't listen. I yell at my TV and it doesn't even make a difference! Hey, gang. Would you mind keeping it down a little bit? Oh, come on! You're gonna have a brownie mix from dog shit, you asshole! Oh, no, no, no. Just because I hate him does not mean I like you.
You weren't there for me last year in the playoffs and I was lonely. And then the Super Bowl came and guess what? I rooted for the Ravens. And it was fun.
Yeah, maybe I should get more serious about them. This is so like you. When times get tough, you yell at us and then you shit talk us to your friends. I'm just afraid you're gonna hurt me again. Or worse, your rotator cuff.
Don't be so defensive. Well, somebody has to be! Look, I am not being unreasonable here.
I just want what every other football fan wants for you to win all the games all the time, always. This year's gonna be different. We promise we're gonna take you to the playoffs. We're gonna take you to the Super Bowl. We're gonna get you a ring.
Oh, my God! Yes, I can't wait to rub this in my roommate's face. She's a Pats fan. I'm in. Let's do this. Just don't fumble this one, okay? We won't. Right, boys? Yeah! Oh, it's all my ACL! I'm so glad I didn't draft any of you to my fantasy league. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | George_Miller_on_genre_in_his_films_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | The way you use genre is so interesting to me because you use it as this tool to communicate to audiences. Your themes are so relevant and so up to date. Can you talk to me about using genre as a language to correct very directly to audiences? When you look at stories and the purpose of stories, they have always been the glue that made sense of everything around us in the absence of any coherence. As is here, we're inundated by information. It gets to be just a cacophony.
And how do you find the signal in the noise? How do you find meaning or get a sense of it?
And the only tool we have, because it's something that's intrinsic to us, is telling each other stories, whether it's a stand-up comedian, whether it's someone you meet at the bus stop, whether it's a family story, whether it's a cultural mythology, whether it's about your football team or a political party or whatever. All of those are part of the same process. And the big attraction for me is being able to tell stories. So whether it's a story about a talking pig, or a dancing penguin, or post-apocalyptic road warriors, it's all the same process. Stories are apprehended by those who receive the story. And they make sense of it according to their own worldview. And that's why I'm still drawn to telling stories like Furiosa. |
cracked | cracked_live_the_drinking_song_cody_johnston | The last call is coming up soon, I believe, if you guys want to order some drinks. I'm going to play a drinking song for you. And I need your help. It's a participation song.
So I'm going to sing the chorus, which is, We drink, and we drink, and we drink, and you go, and we drink. It's very, very simple. We drink, and we drink, and we drink, and we drink. We drink, and we drink, and we drink, and we drink, and we drink. And there we go. So this is the cutest drinking song ever.
It's a pirate song. Starting out with a pirate joke. What's a pirate's favorite letter?
I don't know the alphabet. Because they're stupid. All they know is the C, which is the easiest thing to know.
We were tiny pirate mice, endearing to the bone. We lived inside a bunny boat. That's what we called our home. We had a pet puppy house, which is exactly our house. Adorable the puppy house.
When the kittens came, and we loved them more, the puppy house was feeling quite ignored. Or, so we killed the kittens swiftly.
Wasted alone drinking whiskey. So we drank, and we drank, and we drink, and we drink!
But we forgave the puppy house, because that's just how we roll. The puppy house apologized by giving our buttons toes. That's pretty cute, right? Nup, chit, nup, chit, nup, chit, nup, chit, nup, chit. Sneezed the buttons' toes. Nup, chit, nup, chit, nup, chit, nup, chit, nup, chit. Sneezed the other buttons' toes. The puppy house went into a jealous rage. He cut off the buttons' toes.
We didn't know what to say. So we drank and we drank and we drank and we drank. Our buttons are missing their toes. We drank and we drank and we drank. We miss our kitten's soul. We drank and we drank and we drank. Because our buttons are missing their toes. We drank and we drank and we drank. Because our kittens knew how to sew. |
dropout | don_t_bother_fixing_your_problems | Oh, hot enough for you? Hey, Braff, is it hot enough for you?
Shut up! Sorry I'm folksy. No, I'm sorry.
It's just this heat, I'm going to sweat the death. Would you please just get an air conditioner? I'd have to lug it home and install it in a window?
No, no, no, no. This is just my life now. That's crazy, you're so hot. Okay, but what about you? Are you going to get your car easily fixed? Who can trust a mechanic? No, no, this is just my life now. See?
Plus, then you wouldn't have to stay with your awful boyfriend just for the ride. Yeah, but breaking up with him would be a whole thing. I'd have to come up with like reasons why I left.
He has a shirt that says Kevin Spacey was right. This doesn't say what he was right about.
And what about you? You sat in glue. What am I supposed to do? Find another pair of favorite pants that are perfect for every occasion?
No, no, no, no. I can deal. Sure, that one thing isn't so bad, but when you add up all the little problems you've just accepted, your life is a mess.
Says the man caught in a bear trap. I knew you were going to bring that up. You have to call animal control for a bear trap.
And a doctor. Ugh, insurance is such a pain. And what about you? Are you ever going to get your birth certificate fixed? No. Then I'd have to remember to write John on everything. Nah, I'll stick with Raphael. Getting your computer fixed? I'd have to take it to the genius bar.
And my system works fine, doesn't it, Cheryl? Oh, yeah. I love when you dictate your little skits to me. Makes my day. She's a peach.
What about you? They still think you're the son of Sam. Are you going to exonerate yourself? Ugh. Well, it's time to find a lawyer. Are you still possessed by one of the eight kings of hell? What about you? Are you ever going to kill your evil twin? Yes! Do you have it in you? Ugh.
Any time we fight, he's always anticipating my every move.
It's a whole thing. Getting that knife out of your back? Too bloody. Getting this mint block off your hand? No jackhammer. You throwing that idol back in the sea? Beach traffic.
You ever going to get unbaked? Ugh. I'd have to find a Zoltar. Are you going to continue living under the thumb of a child dictator whose divisive rhetoric incites hate crimes while all the while ignoring the world's impending doom? No. I'm going to vote. I mean, I'm not an idiot. Ow! The knife! |
cracked | 5_gloriously_stupid_and_real_batman_comics_canonball | Over the decades, Batman has saved Gotham City from stuff like an army of baby-stealing penguins, an evil plan to stop global warming, big bombs, mall bombs, jokers, smokers, midnight gropers, and brain-gasms? But that's just in the movies. The comics are packed with even more heroic deeds by pop culture's most beloved hobo-punching billionaire. There are hundreds of excellent Batman stories, but let's forget about those and talk about the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of bat cannon that, honestly, we're kind of glad Thomas and Martha Wayne are too dead to see. We're talking Batman letting people burn alive so he can get laid, his nearly fatal weakness to kites, and the time DC led a Hollywood star write a story where the dark knight pees his pants. This is Cannonball. Batman comics center on how totally smart and badass and awesome he is, because that's his real superpower, making you feel bad about your crappy self. But every once in a while, the writers like to put Batman in some horribly undignified situation, just to keep his ego in check and remind him that he is, after all, a grown man who spends his nights in a Batman onesie. That's how he ended up with gloriously dumb Batman moments, like...
Number five, Batman gets his ass handed to him by Kite Man? Kite Man is a Batman villain who seemingly exists just so people can say, Did you know there's a Batman villain called Kite Man? Are you making some of those up? He shows up in the Harley Quinn animated show, but he's less of a character and more of a running joke. Kite Man, hell yeah. But the stupidest thing about Kite Man isn't his name, or the notion of a supervillain whose only weapons are kites, it's the fact that he actually kicked Batman's ass on his first try. In Batman number 133 from 1960, Kite Man uses his special kites to steal a priceless ruby, right in front of Batman and Robin. And then, instead of escaping, he swoops over and punches Batman in the face. That is, of course, scientifically implausible, as there's no way he could lift off the ground with balls that enormous. Later, Batman catches up to Kite Man while he's breaking some criminals out of prison with his giant kite ship. But decades of intense martial arts training are no match for a well-placed kite to the face. Why would Kite Man attack Batman with a cheap piece of polyester when there's a gun right there?
You may ask. And the answer is, because he can.
Such is his mastery over kites. The writer of this comic couldn't have been making any other point. And so, poor Bruce finds himself captured by Kite Man, who plans to, and I quote, Tie Batman to a large kite, so everyone can take pat shots at him. Batman realizes that the only way to avoid a human pinata death is to fight fire with fire, casting aside his vow to never brandish a deadly weapon. Batman fashions himself a kite out of the torn-off wallpaper of his cell. Bend one of his socks. Because, as the ancient proverb says, to conquer kite, you must become kite. Batman uses his kite as an improvised bat signal and calls for Robin's help, which is somehow the saddest part of this story. Eventually, Batman and Robin are able to end Kite Man's reign of terror, but only by turning his own technology against him. In the end, Kite Man turned out to be one of the most formidable enemies Batman ever faced.
The only reason they've turned him into a joke is because, if allowed to operate at full potential, he makes Batman look like a freakin' amateur. The only thing that'd make it more embarrassing is if Kite Man had caused Batman to, I don't know, pee his pants. Number four. Kevin Smith made Batman pee his pants. Seriously.
One of the coolest scenes in 1987's Batman, year one, and Batman comics in general, and all comics in general, is when Batman introduces himself to Gotham City's corrupt one percent by crashing one of their fancy dinner parties and dropping a speech about how, no, they can't have dessert. Now that Batman is here, criminals will need masks or clown makeup if they want to do crimes in Gotham.
Sorry. The year one animated movie wisely left the scene pretty much as it is, because it's impossible to improve. None of you are safe. However, it's very possible to make it worse.
As renowned director and less-noun comic book writer, Kevin Smith proved in his 2009-2010 miniseries Batman, The Widening Jire. Smith apparently looked at that classic year one scene and said, you know what this needs?
More pee! Sadly, he didn't make it so Batman puts out that burning plate by whipping out his bat hog and taking a leak, which actually would have been kind of badass. In Smith's comic, Batman meets a new vigilante called Baphomet, and starts training him to become Gotham City's next exceedingly pointy-eared protector. While trying to reassure Baphomet that it takes time to get better at superheroing, Batman reveals that he misjudged the size of the explosion during that year one scene and had a bladder spasm, which is a fantastic villain name, but also a real condition. According to WebMD, it occurs when the bladder muscle squeezes suddenly without warning, causing an urgent need to release urine.
Yep, Kevin Smith retroactively established that Batman moistened his drawers during one of his proudest moments, because there's nothing DC Comics won't let you add to the canon if you're a celebrity nerd. Holy eagle! In general, Smith seems way more fixated on Batman's bodily fluids than the average DC writer. Multiple pages are devoted to Bruce Wayne having sex with his girlfriend, and talking about how many orgasms he gave her, somewhere between 10 and 99, if you were wondering. Batman may never go down on women, but he's so good at missionary he can't have sex on the beach without waking up Aquaman. Seriously, that's in the comic. He once made a woman yelp so sensuously that it freaked out the nearby dolphins who went and tattled to Aquaman. On some level, we all suspected that Kevin Smith writes erotic Batman fanfiction, but it's still shocking that this was published in an actual DC comic and not at fanfiction.net.
Silent Bob 420 was taken. So shame on Kevin Smith for soiling the work of legendary Batman writer Frank Miller. Only legendary Batman writer Frank Miller gets to do that.
Like when? Number 3.
Batman has sex with another superhero, while criminals burn alive. In 2005, Frank Miller made his triumphant return to the world of Batman with all-star Batman and Robin, best known as that comic where one of the most famous superheroes in the world kidnaps a recently orphaned child and tells him, What are you, dents?
Are you shit or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the shit damn Batman! I wonder what Adam West would think of that characterization. Naughty, mean person.
Really? Didn't care for it. And I think that Spider-Man, Spidey-Baby, would probably object too. Huh.
Good to know. But that's not even the most objectionable scene in All-Star Batman and Robin, or Aspar for short.
Issue 7 starts with Batman laughing maniacally as he swoops down on a bunch of armed thugs, stealing a shipment of... Bleach for some reason. Apparently, Gotham City has serious issues with spilling wine. Next, our hero grabs a bottle of flammable bleach, combines it with some thermite he carries in his utility belt for this very purpose, and flings it at the thieves, who must have been having a bleach supersoaker war because all of them instantly catch fire. Holy spontaneous combustion!
At this point, Batman's fellow Justice League-er, the Black Canary, stops by and looks on as Batman needlessly kicks an already incapacitated criminal's burning face into the asphalt. Instead of stopping him, she comments on how horny all this is making her. Ah, so this is the part where Batman and Canary put out the fire and tie up the criminals for the authorities, right?
Ehhhh, nope. Instead, they lie down on the wet cement and start humping each other's bones, right in front of the heap of burning flesh that was once a gang of bleach thieves.
But please don't ask me to remove my mask.
After a three-panel avian-mammalian doinkfest, Batman is gentlemanly enough to offer Black Canary a ride home, but she has the audacity to make fun of him for calling his car the Batmobile. He immediately shuts her down, because I'm the goddamn Batman, and I call my damn car whatever the hell I want to call it.
Which is true, technically, but still a damn ridiculous thing for a damn adult person to say. Damn.
So, sure, Batman kidnaps an orphan and forces him to eat rats and paints himself, Robin and an entire house yellow just to mess with Green Lantern. But at least DC never used him as a platform to espouse wacky conspiracy theories, right? Number two, Batman becomes a hollow-earth truther. The words Batman Odyssey might bring to mind images of Bruce Wayne stomping on Koopas in a plumber suit, while joyfully exclaiming, Yahoo! But no, the truth is even more unhinged. That's the name of a miniseries released between 2010 and 2011 that mostly consists of Batman recapping a bunch of confusing and weird-ass anecdotes from his past. Like the fictional equivalent of a friend who gets really high and won't shut up. Also, for some reason, every chapter starts with a usually shirtless Bruce Wayne looking directly at the reader and giving you his best post-bird sex eyes. As the story progresses, Batman discovers that all the villains in Gotham City are distracting him to hide a literally earth-shaking truth, that our planet is hollow and there are dinosaurs and cavemen living under us. The Underworld even has its own dynamic duo, a caveman named Jamroth Bach, who dresses like purple Batman, and a kid evolved from dinosaurs who decided to copy Robin's outfit voluntarily. Incidentally, if you ever wanted to see the real Robin punch a pterodactyl, this comic was made for you, and only you, ya freak. Now this might seem like your standard comic book nonsense to you, but the craziest part is that the comic's creator believes that at least part of this nonsense is true. Batman Odyssey is the brainchild of Neil Adams, one of the most important artists in the history of comics, and also a writer, technically.
Adams truly believes that the earth is expanding, leaving hollow spaces at the center. You can learn about all of this and more by visiting his highly informative YouTube channel. We're now going forward in time to show how the actual growth of the earth took place.
Just be prepared to get a reply in all caps if you ever dare to leave a comment. Sounds kind of cookie to me.
Anyway, during his underground adventures, Batman meets aliens. The friends of wizard who talks like Bill and Ted, fights killer gnomes, and gains Superman-like powers for a while. Because Adams apparently forgot he was writing a Batman comic, and not just every single idea he's ever had. Imperfect as the details, but the overall is nailed. In the end, we find out that Batman was telling all of this to Clark Kent, who I'm guessing wrote only one word in his notebook. Intervention. This comic makes a lot more sense if it's just a story about the time Batman discovered cocaine.
That would explain moments like him pulling double guns on innocent commuters. Or when he yells, I love it, while mounting a T-Rex. Or this face.
Speaking of mounting a T-Rex, number one, DC shows us Batman's dong, then pretends they didn't mean to. For this one, we have to go all the way back to 2018, when DC Comics presented a new imprint called DC Black Label that specializes in mature stories starring their biggest heroes. And what's the most efficient way to let readers know that the story they're about to read is absolutely throbbing with maturity by using the old literary technique called Showing Batman's Dick. Call me Nightwing. OK, my mistake. Batman's other dick. Yeah, that's the one.
Holy indecent exposure. In Batman Damned, number one, we find out that Batman occasionally likes to walk around the Batcave with his batarang out, which is fine because it's his house and all. Hell, I'm not even wearing pants.
The ridiculous part was DC's reaction to Bat-Wang-Gate. At the tiniest hint of controversy, DC's censored the comic's digital version and promised that all future reprints would show an empty space where Batman's dingus should be. Holy shrinkage. Yep, they comically castrated The Dark Knight. I guess that other extremely dumb controversy about how Batman doesn't give oral sex is less surprising when you consider there's no way for the other party to reciprocate. DC also claimed that they never even intended to flash us with the Bat-Dongle. They said it was a simple production error, which has to be the least credible excuse for a dick pic since, oh, no, I meant to send that to Zoc Doc.
According to DC's higher ups, the whole thing also made them rethink the entire black label line. So if you were hoping to see Wonder Woman's Arioles or Aquaman's Blowhole in a future black label comic, you can go ahead and cancel those pre-orders.
Sorry. You know what?
Here are some gratuitous dick pics as consolation. Hey, thanks for watching this episode of Cannonball. If we missed any bonkers Batman stories, jump in the comments and let us know. Oh, and make sure to send us some of your favorite dick pics.
No, no, we get you. BLEEP. |
dropout | hammer_j_a_archives | Jake, you know how when a man is sexually aroused, I was just thinking about it, how his penis becomes erect because blood flows into it, the appendage, so... Did you know that if too much blood flows into it, his dick can actually explode?
Yes. I'm kidding. Got you! I want to throw this hammer so that it hits right in between your eyes. Okay, that's weird, because that's the opposite of what I want to happen. Well, opposites attract, so close your eyes first. Doesn't really make sense here. I don't think I'm explaining it right. No, you're explaining it fine. It's not going to hit your eyes, like either the left one or the right one, those are going to be fine, right? Yeah, in the middle. I get it.
I just don't want it to hit any part of me. I feel like I'm doing the hard part by throwing it, and then you're not doing anything back, you know? Well, some people might say that I have to have the tough job of trying to convince you not to throw it. Okay, but you can't convince me not to do this.
I'm so set. Like, it's already happened in my head.
Still, I could probably say something like, oh, what happened? Huh? You okay? You're okay. What did you hurt? I didn't hurt anything. I'm just... I'm fine.
You're grunting. I'm grunting because I... Oh, my head hurt. I have a headache. Oh, why did...
Are you sure you didn't hit your hand with a hammer? No, it just feels super swollen, like right around here. It feels like it's throbbing. Your head looks fine. Your hand, though, looks really bad.
Oh, no. Yeah, I just spilled it in lemonade. I could see bone. It's raspberry lemonade. It doesn't explain the bone.
Okay. Uh, ooh. I'm gonna pass out because I'm gonna lie. Right. But I'm pretty positive you're not right. Yeah. I don't know. I think I'm right, but it's a good idea.
Why don't you take a nap and go to the hospital and... Dick, did it hit? Dick. |
dropout | camp_creepy_boy | Okay, son, here we are. Summer camp. Go on, go, go play.
Hey. We got a shy one here? Yeah? Oh, don't worry.
We are super fun here. And I promise I won't stop until this little guy's leaping and laughing like the other kids.
So, kind of top counselor here. It doesn't matter, but yeah. That's great. Thank you so much.
Just don't push him too hard. He has anger issues.
Alright. Hey, little guy. My name's Thomas, and I'm going to be your best buddy today. Alright.
Come on. Let's go. He's fun. Come on. Let's go play.
Look at me.
Come on. Cyrus, roasting weenies. Come on. Cyrus. Arts and crafts. It's clearly snippet. Should've done it. Cyrus, come on. Can I act? Cyrus, come on. Cyrus. Come on. It's just sand. Really? Come on. Cyrus, get in the arm breaker. It's fun. Cyrus, Cyrus, Cyrus.
What are we going to do with you?
Just hop in the pool. All the other kids are in there and they're having a blast.
No. Ooh, it speaks. What the heck?
I want you to stop. Stop what, Cyrus?
Trying to get you to have fun? Sorry. You're making me mad. I'm just trying to get you to have fun, Cyrus. So why don't you hop in the pool, and we'll start having fun.
Okay? So let's get that shirt off. Just give me your shirt. Give me your shirt.
Stop struggling. Yeah, that I don't want...
Are you sure you're 10? I'm a huge mistake.
What are you talking about, Cyrus? Ooh, I just got hit with a big head. Ow. What? |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_josh_ruben | rain in the morning Josh Ruben! You know what else I love?
One of my idols growing up is Robin Williams. He was like a huge idol. He's hairy and short.
Hey! Whoa! Hey! Shit! Whoa!
He's just a bunch of noises to me. And now he's like, he was so manic. You know, as a young comedian, now he's like, he's older and trying to do dramatic work. He just moves his jaw a lot and he's very stunned.
Well... You know what it smells like in Sistine Chum?
Come on! Break out of it! Come on, Will! Hey! Isn't that like stereotypical African American thing? Hey, now, come on!
Robin Williams doing a black eye is very specific. Hey, now everyone do some cocaine!
Whoops! Oh, he's interacting with the audience? Yeah. Oh, man. Robin? Robin's great. Whoa! Gandhi. I'm moving like a testicle. Oh, man.
You know what else I love? I met this guy. I love doing the impression that I kind of die a little inside when I do it because, you know, everyone does it.
It just sucks.
You know, everyone's like, hey, I'm Bobby! Hey, hello! Hey, everyone does it like so big.
But no, no, no. I've met Robert De Niro. I was an extra in The Good Shepherd. Okay. I was $75. I met him, man.
He is a very sweet, old Italian mouth breather. And he's really, really nice. But he just... That's just what he is. He's ever seen any of these, like, he's a really introverted, really sweet, old, you know, Italian guy.
He ever seen any of these, like, commercials he does for the Tribeca Film Festival, like... You rolling? Come on down to the Tribeca Film Festival. There are a lot of films.
Also, cookies. There's cookies here.
Yeah, he's great. Gay Robert De Niro. That'd be funny. I've never seen him playing a feminine character.
I'm gonna fucking get you. Kinda looks like Gail, doesn't he? I'm Italian. Ah! Also, like, oh, the ultimate mouth breather, though.
My favorite, man. My absolute favorite, Phil Hoffman.
You know, he just... Philip Seymour Hoffman stands in a room. He doesn't even have to say anything. You can just hear him from the room next door, and you know he's in there because of the moments he makes occasionally.
Oh, man. Oh. Oh, his hand always shakes. He goes, sorry? Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, my God.
He thinks, like, Philip Seymour Hoffman wakes up every day. He's like, I have so much money.
So disappointed. She's just like, so disappointed.
I have won so many awards. I'm so clammed.
Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. What is that? That's my mom's stuff.
Shoot him. I'm too tired. |
cracked | the_green_inferno_cracked_responds | Dan will you please pull up on your computer green inferno the trailer? I want to show you guys this it's a conservation movie That I think you're really gonna like Beautiful dreamer. That's a trend in movies now. They had that California dreaming trailer in San Andreas where they do that all like dissonant Every day there are 80,000 acres of rainforest that are destroyed. That's so that's true. I Mean the movie says so so I have to assume yeah It was dangerous.
We can't just go invade a country because they're doing something that we think is immoral just tells her dad We should invade Peru. He's like honey. No, you can't invade Peru.
I'm in this suit. You can't do the thing you want Difference our males are so intolerable. Oh, we're gonna go save the day It's a whole lot of people without jobs in that plane each one of those guys is clearly on this trip because he's like Oh wait, she's going.
Yeah. All right. Yeah, I got a plane. I'm gonna play totally. It's you're right.
It's terrible They're doing in Peru is it? Oh It looks like they're learning their lesson already. Yeah, don't help anyone. Oh No, yeah, she's in trouble.
Why did the plane crash? It's unclear planes do that in movies She's okay, or is she By yeah, I did that just for effect He has back turned and waited for her to wake up so he'd be like I'm this way in the language Oh, this is Eli I'm not an educated man.
Yeah true. Um, is this an accurate representation of indigenous people and absolutely No way. Yeah, so they nailed it.
You will Stumble out of the theater in fear. They really want, you know, how uncomfortable you're gonna be watching this movie.
You will not enjoy yourself They're presenting this as though like this is their way of life They just capture people and keep them in cages and then mutilate them and kill them But where is anyone else coming from? Yeah, like yes, this plane crashed on this bank once man Have you never been to Peru? This is never will now. Well, Eli Roth hasn't been either Yeah, the rainforest is actually the bad guy Yeah, cuz they they're not only of these right the cannibals trying to kill them that river tries to kill ya No Good deed goes unpunished. Is that the message of this movie? They're like we're gonna go It's really bad. What's going on in the rainforest. They're tearing it down. You thought that was bad. We're gonna eat you This movie the subtext of this movie is look out for savages in other countries Yeah, yes don't go anywhere and if you do avoid everyone because I think there was a time and probably the 18th century when a wilderness was still pretty terrifying to us and Eli Roth is just sticking to his guns and being like like at this point We pretty much conquered it like we're we have it under control, but Eli Roth is still like no, no, no, I'm ever it's dangerous Eli Roth work for some kind of deforestation lobby I desperately want the end of the movie when they're I mean three of the expendable ones have already been killed and eaten and now it's just a girl one of the hairy fella she's supposed to end up with and just as the Bone axe is about to come down a bunch of like those caterpillar machines those wrecking machines Hi everybody, thank you for watching that video if you'd like to see more you can always subscribe to our channel You can also go down to the comments.
You can give us your thoughts on the trailer. We just watched And of course these guys have something they wanted to say I think it's no, okay Thank you everybody. I appreciate you |
cracked | why_gandalf_was_the_real_villain_in_the_hobbit_today_s_topic | Who cares if she doesn't like Gandalf? Ask her out again!
Gandalf is- Fictional? True. I guess she has a point. I mean, in the first Hobbit movie, Gandalf's kind of a huge dick. Whole white council is actually. I'm pretty sure that the whole white council is the only thing standing between Sauron and darkness. I think that's a line in the books. In the Hobbit trilogy?
Not a trilogy. Single book. Single pretty short book. And I'm not talking about the book. I'm talking about the movies that we should be able to watch and understand without having read the single pretty short book.
Okay, the white council then is- Terrible. Secretly, they're a governing body with just way too many loopholes and shady dealings. I mean, Gandalf is on the council and leading the quest against Smaug, so he goes behind his own back and lets the dwarves out of Rivendell before the council can stop them.
Come on! I bet Elrond's PR team stayed up pretty late that night. I know that he doesn't have a PR team.
Gandalf had to do that. Sauron was being stubborn. He was going through the fuddy duddy part of his evil transformation. Was he? Or was he kind of a social eeyore, just tired of being ignored the whole time?
I mean, nothing in the film implies that he was evil. He's just a wizard wearing a white robe, head of the white council, and all the legitimate points he brings up are ignored. When he says things like, hey guys, Radagast does a lot of mushrooms, maybe we shouldn't trust his testimony, or hey guys, maybe we should just listen to the facts. What happens? I'm pretty sure Sauron never said, hey guys. Galadriel telepathically interrupts him and has an entire different secret conversation with Gandalf in front of him. It's rude. It's like passing notes in class, disrespectful, and childish. So you're telling me that if the rest of the white council hadn't excluded Sauron and acted like the cool kids hanging out at the back of the bus, then Sauron wouldn't have turned evil?
Is that really what you're telling me right now? No. Kind of. It didn't help.
I mean, in fellowship, I'm sure Sauron remembered all the times Gandalf was just too cool for wizard school, had secret conversations right in front of him, disregarded his ruling behind his back. Sauron was good at his job once, but years of Gandalf and Galadriel pulling pranks and smoking pipe weed and skipping council meetings just pushed him over the edge. Who? Name one time that Galadriel missed a council meeting. Oh, I don't know. Maybe the one other meeting we've seen in Fellowship of the Ring when they're deciding the fate of Middle-earth.
Maybe she could have shown up because she can teleport her body and mind over great distances. Probably could have helped. Probably could have given her opinion.
The whole council is jerks. Gandalf especially. No wonder Sauron switched sides. No! You switched sides! You are one of the staunchest Gandalf advocates and I know the only reason that you changed your mind is because that girl got in your head. I will not deny the girl is precious to me. You turn an evil now?
You doing like a Gollum thing? Is that like your bit? What's Gollum precious?
Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Hey!
Tremendous start. We just finished signing our new book to the textbook here at Barnes & Noble in Santa Monica. The textbook is full of amazing facts that we're gonna shoot at you rapid-fire right now.
Ulysses S. Grant was afraid of mud and blood and wouldn't let people see his butt. Michael, go! If there's many pages, you got all your illustrations in here. I feel like I set the pace of how fast things go. Go, Cody, go!
Folks are bad luck. Don't buy them.
When you're playing sports, hum as you play the sport. It'll help you. Read a book. Just don't stop watching videos and read a goddamn book. It doesn't matter if it's this one or another.
We've signed all of them. They're all signed. We got, we did, we signed all of the books.
We did not. This is probably our least effective promo.
Hey Michael, what's that cool book you're reading? It's a cat pirate that I was doing. Hey Michael, what's that cool book you're reading?
The cracky textbook available now here, hopefully elsewhere. Because the people watching can't get this one. They're not here. We're in a Barnes and Noble, by the way. What kind of stuff's in this cool book? You're looking at me still. Cody? Oh, it's called the...
Did you guys know that Adolf Hitler looked really scary in his speeches? Not because he was so passionate and so like intense and like, oh, it looks like he's a man on fire. He practiced all those. He had a PR guy and he took pictures of his face and then looked at them afterwards like, which one is my scariest face? And he would pick that one and like practice it in the mirror. He also took a bunch of pictures of himself in the woods in tiny little boy shorts because he was like, I want to show off my sexy side. And then he saw the pictures and was like, that's not so fun. And he hid them from the world for years and then I found them. And now they're in this book and you can look at them. They're insane. He also did that other stuff.
Dan should have just done the promo. Dan should, that was pretty good. Thanks man. Buy our book. |
dropout | precious_plum_tow_truck | My name is Plum. I'm six years old and I'm a beauty queen My momma take me around the pad. I have not touched the wheel in a while. She my precious plum Today plums competing for best drifter midriff under the bridge by that big mural of a deck We're here and they're the fuck over there. So we have to drive through the night first plum Mama's falling asleep. I'm gonna need you to scream at me Fine you can crash and die in hell and burn for not screaming at your mama like she asked My mama takes a pill to stay awake and appear to go to sleep, but if she takes another other her heart explodes Yeah, that don't work I think we all find a place to sleep for a night I Know I'm up to both departments lady, so I'll get the master bedroom, but not to worry plums off seven Trump the control unit may illuminate the brake system warning light and the ABS warming light on Simultaneously the problem is likely to be the electronic force brake Distribution system and they all live happily We don't got time to do another one you gotta go bad One price you saw for mom My name is Waldo Lalo, I'm the owner of Waldo's toast now in this particular stretch of highway We do indeed find a lot of cars that have been abatement So we pick them up take down to the junkyard where they are in turn converted to scrap metal We were y'all gonna say something, you know thought of Crushing a human being in a car I Can't go through that for a third time So we missed competition But they gave us all 75 these dollars and a whole bunch new books for plan how to change the tire on Nissan Bursa I bet it gets changed We'll have to wait and say next time on precious plug mama. Yeah, baby. What's heaven like like target everything free? And nobody else no fun, you're done No smush none of that Vivo shit |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Domino_Effect_Some_Fast_Tracking_Hoe_kemon_Go_More_July_15 | You're joined by myself Clancy Ovell. I've got Effie Bateman and Wendell Hussey here today to give us the wrap. What's going on you two? Not too much Clancy. Fighting fit, feeling good. Errol Parker not here.
We can reveal why he isn't here because he has been apprehended so it's probably up but he was trying to put a cheesecake into the face of Alan Joyce down at a press conference. I think it was in Brisbane today after what's been going on for the last couple of weeks but security got him. He got stuck in Brisbane after the state of origin because they just cancel flights and I'll give you another one a week later as the way things are going but we'll get into that I guess in the weekly wrap.
How about you Effie? How have you been? Yeah I've been great Clancy. How about you? I'm going alright.
The North has risen again. Queensland returns as the superior state when it comes to rugby league and everything else for that matter. Yeah everyone's just got a bit more spring in their step around the office and around town so that's great you know. Our economy improves every time we win the state of origin.
Just the general wellbeing, lifestyle index skyrockets and the third wave just disappeared. All the cost of living crisis has disappeared. Basically all those issues that we've had the last couple of years have kind of waned a little bit.
Balance has been restored. Balance has been restored to the universe and that's because we get origin. That's because Queensland understands what it's all about and we understand how important it is and we appreciate more so than anyone else in the world these wins.
New South Wales just don't get it but we'll move on. What's in the weekly bulletin this week Effie?
Well starting off with some national news and a new study has found that using the pandemic as an excuse to replace experienced staff with labour hire might result in a fuckload of cancelled flights. Yeah this is a truly shocking revelation. This research was conducted by South Patoota Polytechnic's Business School in conjunction with the Patoota Public Policy Institute and they've confirmed that replacing sways of staff with labour hire firms who contract out to other labour hire firms to try and maximise your profits can in fact limit the service you provide Clancy. Yes you wouldn't believe it you wouldn't read about it except for the fact that it's in the news. Speaking to The Advocate this week the lead researcher explained to us that it can actually result in yeah a fuckload of cancelled flights, countless bits of luggage going missing and hours and hours and almost days waiting around in crowded airport terminals.
One example we saw of this was actually Melbourne man Aaron Parwar who took a flight from down south to Queensland this week however unable to find his luggage he waited for a couple hours on the phone only to find out it had been sent to Brisbane, North Dakota who knows how the fuck it got there there's very few runways and the closest human settlement is the Standing Rock Indian Reservation but this is the world we live in and this is what's happened to our flagship carrier. I mean in fairness to the flagship carrier Aaron Parwar hasn't travelled for a little while maybe just forgotten how to travel he's just a bit rusty so. He's not match fit he's not match fit as Alan Joyce said.
We did have a comment on that story actually from KJ Price who said see this is why we reward CEOs with vast amounts of money for their obvious wisdom and business skills. An apt point there. Well staying on that topic now in a profit driven university is considering introducing a Octomester yearly course structure. Innovative and exciting that's why we are world leaders in innovation out here in the Channel Country. The University of Patoota the sandstone brother of our more functional South Patootic Polytechnic institution that we mentioned earlier has this week announced that it is considering scrapping trimesters. In its place will be Octomesters. Octo meaning eight and mesters meaning whatever mesters means but basically the university is going to have eight terms a year which will allow students to complete a business degree in something like eight or nine months which is very very exciting. Now I know what you're thinking what about the quality of the teaching surely you can't teach three years worth of material in eight months but they reckon it will all be fine. The Vice Chancellor told me that it's a part of this streamlined information optimization program that will allow them to complete those degrees really quickly.
I'm assuming that would be like a lot cheaper then. It's a lot faster but it's not a lot cheaper they are actually going to raise the course fees because they're making it so much more convenient now. It's a perfect opportunity for any of the sons and daughters of the industrial families of the subcontinent if you'd like to come through here and get it done in a year we'd be happy to have you and we'd be happy to have your parents money. Yep and we'll charge you four to five times more than a local student of course. A lot of your parents money.
Now I've got a bit of local news next up Effie it's about this is a story you broke and it was about a friend in a long-term relationship commandeering a Bachelorette's dating apps like she's playing and I quote here Hokeymon Go. Tell us about this one. Yes this one's about Betuda Plains woman Anita Hilderidge who has had to inform her friend that no she does not want them fucking around on her dating apps for fun. Of course this is referring to a friend who is in a long-term relationship has been with them since she was 19 so all this dating app stuff is so much you know it's a bit of a novelty but yeah Anita is just one of many women who are reporting a sharp uptick in the amount of friends who want to use their phones to play Hokeymon Go which is a game where your mates use your dating app profiles to window shop and talk shit to randoms that they won't have to clean up the mess from. Quite a popular game by the sounds of things I was actually playing a bit of Hokeymon Go on my cousin Julian's Grindr profile the other night a lot of hunks out there in the Diamantina Shire I wouldn't have known recognized a few men that I didn't know were in that community but you know each to their own and I hope they have fun out there. We'll keep those names out of it I think as well. I certainly had fun in my short time playing Hokeymon Go. Won't go Sydney morning heralding it. Finally some sports news to round out the week. What have we got here Effie?
Well Suncorp Stadium has had to hire earth movers to remove several tons of sour grapes left by Joey and Freddy. It's quite an operation by the looks of things after the Maroons once again dusted their more populous and well-resourced southern neighbors in the state of origin there was truckloads of fruit left all around the stadium. Although it is believed that they were left behind by Andrew Johns and Fede Fittler who was soaking royally after another embarrassing loss to the proud men from north of the tweet. Embarrassing indeed there was also a large deposit of salt left behind too Clancy but they were able to rake that out across the turf with ground staff saying that they're hopeful that that should dissolve with the next shower or two. But in terms of the grapes they were forced to call in an Earthworks company to remove tons and tons of the stuff that were being left there to rot on the hallowed ground that is Lang Park. We have been told that they've all cleaned up now and the poor staff that was subjected to a wallabies test, a Broncos game and an origin match in the space of four days are now just getting a little bit of rest and relaxation.
Good on them, good on them. Proud strong men. Very very very happy to call them Queenslanders.
And that's all from us this week. Thank you for tuning in to the Weekly Bulletin. Go well. See you later. Hurray. |
cracked | why_thor_is_the_least_effective_avenger | You know, there's a real dumb superhero weakness Thor, you know Thor the big god from outer space whose hammer is super powerful and whammy And kind of sort of super phallic Well, you don't see that He's always swinging it around and playing with it No, come on Waving his hammer around and everything early on in the comic books Even the writers were in on it He'd bring out his hammer and all the ladies were stunned by it when he'd flaunt it in front of them He even nicknamed it Mjolnir, which sounds like a penis name All right Well, anyway with his super strength flight control of lightning and at this point superfluous magical abilities that come from his hammer Thor is possibly the most powerful superhero ever But did you know that early on in the comics his weakness was letting go of his hammer for more than a minute?
Yeah, if he did he would lose his god status and become a human doctor named Donald Blake with a limp Well, his big old weighty dong hammer would become a flaccid walking stick So that means he had to hold his hammer at all times while sleeping eating doing his taxes canoodling whatever anyway We're pretty glad that the current movies decided to ditch that because it could get a little confusing if he turned into a crippled position Every time he threw his hammer too far which happened in the comics all the time Otherwise everyone in the theater would be yelling don't let go of her dick, bro Hey, thanks for watching that video.
If you want to subscribe, please hit the big C in the middle If you want to watch another video Please click one of the links on the right and if you want to get notifications from YouTube every time you have a new video Click the little bell icon and they will send you a notification every time you put up a new one |
SaturdayNightLive | cheri_oteri_on_women_s_history_saturday_night_live | And now, here to discuss Women's History Month is our very own Sheri Oteri. About Women's History Month tonight. And I brought along Fantasy Barbie with me to help illustrate the progress that women have made over the last century.
Okay, Ka? now, over by you, that's gonna represent, like, the Caveman Times, Okay? And then down here is, like, total Gender Equality. Okay, you got me? All right. Now, in the beginning of the century, things are going well. Susan B. Anthony, Madame Curie, and then, uh-oh, Amelia Earhart's gonna be the first woman to fly around the world, Ka.
But guess what? she gets lost and dies. Oh! maybe that's why women always want to ask for directions. Uh-huh. don't.
All right, now we're at the 30s and the 40s. Eleanor Roosevelt, huh? Rosie the Riveter. But then, uh-oh, uh-oh, here comes Marilyn Monroe. uh-uh! dress flies up around her, cooch. and she's sleeping with the President, right? So, basically, Marilyn cements the idea that for women to be sexy, they have to be so confused that they're almost retarded. You go, girl! All right, now, the 60s. the National Organization for Women is founded. Good. doctors invent the birth control pill, and Twiggy invents anorexia. uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Now women are free to have sex, but they don't enjoy it because they think their ass is too fat. Oh, that hit song. that hit song. And, uh, okay, now, the. Now the 70s and 80s can be summed up in two words, Carl. Jane Fonda. Ooh, she made Barbarella. da na goo. da na goo. da na goo. And now. hey, she's a political activist, though. that's better. Huh? Oh, she gets breast implants. Oh! so now her breasts are made out of this stuff, Carl.
Here, feel that, Carl. feel it. I know what they feel like. Yeah, I'm sure you do.
All right, now, now it's 1990, and the best-selling author in the world is a woman. uh-oh, but it's Danielle Steele. you know it's a good book call when the cover is hot pink. huh? Okay, 1991, Pamela Lee shows up and makes Marilyn Monroe look like Stephen Hawking in a dress. Hi, Shannon Faulkner is the first woman accepted into the Citadel. Uh-oh, uh-oh. she quits the first week.
I'm going home. this is hard. buy me dinner. get me right home. you've heard that before. Okay. 1997. Guess what, ladies? Biagra works for men, but not for women. keep on faking it, Bobby. keep on faking it. Okay, which brings us up to today and with Monica Lewinsky. Oh, but don't! And that's where we're at, Carl.
Now, why don't you call me anymore? What? you heard me, Carl. why don't you call me anymore? You know what I'm talking about. don't be a dog. Well, I was going to call you. I was going to call you.
So then just call me, Carl. Cheri Oteri, everybody. I'm Carl Quinn. that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. |
cracked | why_kim_jong_un_is_the_3rd_grade_bully_of_global_politics | Congratulations, Internet. You managed to survive yet another bi-monthly missile crisis from the global community's shitty kid brother, North Korea. And to celebrate our new lease on life, here's some of the jokes we shared in this difficult time.
I wish he was my boyfriend.
Oh, okay, little lowbrow guys. But don't beat yourselves up. Not everybody can skewer the Kim dynasty with the insight and clarity of a professional comedian. Why aren't more people encouraging?
Like me. So, if you're keeping score, our current stance on Kim Jong-un is that his dad was a loser and nobody likes him. We're basically interacting with North Korea like that lackluster little league team from across town. Would you say crab face? I said you shouldn't even be allowed to touch a face fall. We'll take you on right here, right now. But despite the schoolyard callouts, very few of us really believe that Kim Jong-un is serious about nuclear war. The media has reminded us over and over again that this is more about securing his leadership position at home than the supposed slights perpetrated by the American scum-dog Satan skirt. That's their words, not mine. So, what is it about Kim Jong-un that bothers us so much? It's shit like this.
North Korea launched what it calls a communication satellite. A short while ago, South Korea claimed that North Korea had failed to put its satellite into orbit and that all three stages of the rocket fell into the ocean. The news was announced overnight with great fanfare on North Korean TV, an excited broadcaster calling the rocket launch a glorious success. Well, no. You just launched a malfunctioning turd crap that fizzled out in the ocean.
Again, see, this is what Kim Jong-un always does. He shines up shit and calls it weapons-grade plutonium. His propaganda machine is so aggressive and so omnipresent that it's hard to shake the feeling the guy might still be a virgin? And it's not just nuclear threats. The guy's got a whole domestic campaign trying to convince his own people that he's bigger than Buddha.
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist it. Look at these pictures. It's like the second coming of sigh over there. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. Show that one one more time? Huh. Anybody else get the feeling there's a firing squad with colonial muskets just off camera? Let's see the other two. Oh, okay. So they're all totally miserable. So you've mistaken misery and hysteria for devotion. And you think that scaring a few women is going to solve your PR problem? Have you seen that, men? It's pretty good.
So why do we hate Kim Jong-un? It's because he's incompetent and everybody knows it. He's like that kid in third grade who claimed to bang your teacher and your mom at the same time. He didn't f*** him do it. Mostly, though, we hate him because he's not capable of facing the truth about himself. His dad was a loser and nobody likes him.
So for Cracked.com, I'm Adam Ganser, signing off and saying, remember me when I'm assassinated. Hey everybody. I heard last time Dan O'Brien did impressions of all of us and you liked it and stuff. So how about this internet? Impressions of Dan O'Brien, okay? Deal with it.
I am growing a beard. I'm Dan O'Brien. I have a dog at home. And I'm an Irish Catholic. |
cracked | why_real_gamers_suck_at_nintendo | Oh hey, what's up man? I bought a Wii U. Why? So you and I can Wii together. I thought you hated video games. Oh, you mean after all the talks we've had and what you told me why they suck? Well, I didn't think you were going to become a real gamer. And honestly, this purchase just confirms it. What are you talking about?
I was third floor Smash Bros. champion in my dorm room, Mizzou. Mizzou! Oh, that's my buddy Zat. He went to Mizzou with me. Third floor Smash Champs!
Okay, calm down. Fine to meet you, I guess. Wait, Zat? It's short for Zath you. Of course it is.
You just turned down a video game? No, I turned down a children's animated image-based amusement. But it's the same way I turned down an episode of Dora the Exploratron.
Or some other infant garbage for babies that I hate. Wait, do you hate the garbage or the babies?
Not the time, Zat. What's wrong with Super Smash Bros.?
It's super fun, brother. It's even reasonably violent, which helps you. It's a game full of toys, hitting each other with different, smaller toys, until they all go back to toy purgatory. Purgatory. It's like Toy Story, minus the self-awareness and the parts where I cry. It's like someone filmed you with your action figures when you were five, and then animated it with flashing lights. Now any camps are some whack-ass bullshit, bro. I agree. Okay, fun.
There's an nostalgia factor involved, obviously, but the game mechanic is really solid. Plus they keep adding other cool characters from games you played when you were kids. Right, which is all Nintendo does. They just create a slightly updated version of one of their five to ten franchises that they know you're gonna like precisely because it's exactly the same as when you were a kid, just with more stuff packed in. It's Mario Kart, but this time Kirby is in it.
Holy shit, that would rule. He'd be so light, he turned corners like a red shell, bro. You know what I mean.
This is like watching your kids' elementary school play over a Broadway musical. But I love my hypothetical kids, and I have, if anything, indifferent feelings about Lino, which I assume is the name of some stupid fucking cat in Cats. Nintendo just trots out the same cast of characters and sticks them anywhere, even to the detriment of the larger story. Mario and Bowser are supposed to be mortal enemies in the Mario games, yet they have no problem setting aside their differences to play Mario Backgam. But their familiarity is a strength. It's why I could pick up a game ten years later and still have fun.
Some of your characters, some of your controls. Whereas if I wanted to try and play basically any other new game, I have to spend hours watching tutorials and make sure my internet is connected to the box and get all my TV settings perfect because the game has 84 distinct shades of black and you can't see shit otherwise. It's alienating for casual gamers. I'm sorry. So you don't want your games to look fucking sick as hell? That's your critique? No, I'm saying I don't need them to. I don't need a game to look photorealistic or stylishly moody. I don't care if virtual bullets travel through my characters' organs and believable trajectories. This stuff is cool, yeah, but it doesn't make the game more fun. Where is the challenge in simple spoon-fed gameplay mechanics like Smash Bros.?
Me. I'm the challenge.
No, you know what? Never mind. Fuck this, fuck this. I am gonna go watch some U2 tutorials, and then you'll see. Matthew?
ZOO! Stop saying that! ZOO!
Mizzou. |
dropout | You_re_Getting_an_Office_Paypig | Joe is definitely the cutest. No way! Murr is the best. Ugh. I'm a Q-man myself. The cutest and practical joker is Sal.
But that's not what I came here to say. I have very exciting news.
Sam and I were so impressed with the way you took care of the office guinea pig. We kept him alive and everything. And Teo adopted it. Yes, we were very impressed with the way you took care of the office pet, so we decided to get you an office pay pig!
The guy who's submissive and their kink is getting financially dominated? That's right. Who gets off on people spending his money on humiliating him? Mm-hmm. And we'd be the ones to do it? That's right. His name is Cashpik169.
Oh my god! Look at that! Yep, yep. Hi!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, let's not tap on the glass, okay? We don't want to startle our little cash cow and make him get nervous and forget his routing number and bank account information, right? Sorry.
Okay, now, let's remember, having a pay pig isn't all fun and financial domination, right? It's also hard work. Do we have to share him? Yes. You'll each get one month to practice responsible dominatrixing.
I hope he's pathetic and worships me. Oh, I hope he's really sweet and pays off all my debts and loves it. I want him to be filthy freaking rich!
Okay, well, let's also remember that it's not just about what you want, okay? He's a person, too, with his own wants and needs and job and family and psychosexual baggage that helps him get off on having his financial account drained. You have to dom him as he is, not how you want him to be.
But then... Yes, then, when he sends you incriminating photos and passwords, you can leverage that to make little piggies squeal for master whenever you want, oink, oink, oink, reek, reek, reek! I want the pay pig first. Okay. No, me! I want it first! Okay, okay, alright, you guys are going to have to share. Allie asked first. No fair! Now, I want you to remember, this is an office pay pig, not a personal pay pig. We're trying to teach you about sharing and responsible dominatrixing. So even though Allie has him first, you need to leave some for the rest of us.
Yeah! Okay, you don't have to drain the piggy all at once. Start with a little and get him squealing for more. Oink, oink, oink. That's what gets him off. Yeah, totally. Drain him for all he's worth.
No, Allie, you're not paying attention. You need to do your homework and come up with a game plan for your little cash cuck. Lily, you're not off the hook either. How are you going to be a good mistress with your busy schedule, huh? I have a ton of roommates. If I have improv practice, then they can berate my human ATM. No, no, he's your responsibility, okay? I don't want to get the pay pig back and find out that you pawned him off on your roommates all month just so that they could pay their bills.
Trab? What?
I'm worried my slam pig and the pay pig won't get along. Okay, well, those are both territorial subs, alright, so you'll probably want to make sure they're in separate video chats. Hey, ref, we got an office pay pig!
Ah, I'm good. I already got my own. I only pay pig. I'm calling the cops. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_PR_Trip_A_Young_Lib_Bites_Back_Builder_s_New_Banter_More_April_2 | We hope you are enjoying the beginning of a lengthy Easter long weekend. We're certainly enjoying it out here. We're starting to get some of that Easter chill as we head into winter. I don't mind it myself actually, the campfire burning last night.
What about you, Errol? Well, mate, I actually don't celebrate Easter anymore. I think it's been commercialised to the point where it no longer holds true what it really means and that is to rise from the dead. Do you feel like the Judeo-Christian traditions have been overlooked a little bit by the commercialisation of multiculturalism? I think so. I think that the way that Easter has and all religions really have come to be such a malignant force upon our government investing it like termites in a great house of misery and pain. Interesting. What about you, Wendell? Are you having a few chocky eggs?
Yeah, I will. I'm heading out after this so I'll try and resurrect myself like Jesus this weekend. I personally find it a bit more enjoyable than Christmas, a bit more relaxing Easter is, I reckon. How about you, Clance? Oh, all right, mate. Yeah, look, as I said, I don't mind this time of the year.
I would like to get to the beach except they've gone and fucked that up because we don't have enough vaccinations for our fucking frontline workers there in Brisbane. That's the state's fault, though, isn't it? No, it's the state's fault, apparently. Most of the east coast is out of bounds. Would have liked to have gone for a little swim before it gets a bit too chilly, but what can you fucking do?
Yeah. What's the news? We'll get into this news wrap before Errol starts talking about setting that termite's nest on fire.
The PM is set to repair his misogynistic image by attending all 19 rounds of men's football codes this weekend. Yes, because he's currently faced with the unrelenting backlash within his own party and amongst voters, the prime minister is desperately seeking a new rebranding campaign to encourage the Australian news cycle to go back to the days when they thought he was just the greatest bloody bloke in the whole world. So to do that, he's going to watch every single AFL, NRL and Super Rugby match this weekend to try and get photos with the boys after the game. Obviously trying to avoid people like the Parramatta sports signers who glared daggers at him on camera last week, but if Murdoch is looking out for him, I don't think we'll see much of that on Fox Sports. Great for the eastern suburbs boy to get a chance to enjoy the Waratahs this weekend, I reckon.
Now, still on politics, the headline on our next story reads, jobs should be based on merit, not quotas, says young liberal working for dad's mate in Canberra. And as we mentioned just before, the government is under fire for the structural issues facing women in politics and one of the solutions suggested within his party has been implementing quotas, so capable women get the nod ahead of people like Craig Kelly. But one young liberal has come out shooting the idea down, a young fellow by the name of Josh Silver Spoon said quotas simply don't work and people should be rewarded for the talent and hard work, like he was when his dad's mate gave him a high paying job straight out of uni. He said, trust us, we will fix the 25% female representation across our side of politics if you just leave it to us to sort out in our own time. Well, I think that people like the Silver Spoon family, I think they can only really be changed with a little bit of hollow point therapy.
Oh, okay. Or something really shiny that falls from a large timber fucking structure in the main street of town, perhaps, I don't know.
Here in Queensland now, and COVID has made a real return to form in the Sunshine State. One of the stories we broke about that had the headline on it, that wasn't you down there in Byron, was it? Ha ha ha, says every single builder in Brisbane to his apprentice. Yes, Brisbane has emerged from its snap lockdown this week after a couple of little COVID clusters popped up, one which spread down to the New South Wales Northern Rivers. One of the cases connected to this cluster was believed to have been linked to a South Queensland tradie working a second job as an adult entertainer at a hen's party in Byron. Which, understandably, has led to every builder in the Brisbane area grilling their apprentice about whether it was them who put on the show for the ladies down there on the weekend.
Ha ha ha, that wasn't you, was it bro? Wasn't you? Was it Cody? No, not yet was.
And as Peter Merton pointed out in the comments section, $19 an hour ain't going to pay off that brand new Ford Ranger. Hope it's a Raptor, hope it's a Raptor boys.
Some anthropological news now and the next generation of Karens have been identified as Meers. Yes, Karen being an offensive term for older Gen X or younger Boomer women who carry a sense of entitlement beyond the scope of what is viewed as normal or even social. They come with a level of privilege that means they demand their own way whenever they feel like it. And this week it's been revealed the names of the young people coming to replace Karen in the next generation. Meers, that's apparently the next generation coming through. There are plenty of different traits like Ariana Grande being the choice of music but the victims do still remain the same with people in service roles and noisy kids copping the brunt of their passive aggression.
And a somewhat lighter story to finish the week on, undeniable new data has confirmed that Monte Carlo's are the superior biscuit. Yes, new findings have confirmed it, the iconic tea biscuits that contain that glorious pink creamy filling and are named after a southern French city are as good as it gets. I think you'll find that city is in Monaco, Clancy, but we'll move on. Lead researcher on this report, Professor Imabickyhog says while Kingston's and Gaity's pose a significant threat to the iconic tea biscuit, there is still a notable margin between first, second and third place when it comes to Australia's favourite bicky.
Well fuck me. Concrete stuff there, Ben Chalkart wasn't having any of it though. He commented saying absolute bullshit. Big Monte Carlo have fingerprints all over this so-called study. Yet again, Kingston's robbed of their rightful reign. Kingston suck, Ben. They suck. They're even worse than those new ice vovos with such, you know, like how they've trimmed back, you know, from the edge of the biscuit. I remember when the pink shit used to spill over the end of them and now it just looks like a golly on a rug.
Have you ever done a full sleeve of vovos? Yeah, I have. That's the breakdown of my first marriage, I was doing two a day. Two sleeves of vovos a day.
That's a big job. Gotta get the heart racing. Anyway, we could be here all day talking about this stuff so we will wrap it up. Have a great weekend and we'll be back again soon. Bye bye. Muy nino. Hurrah! |
dropout | revealing_too_much | Hello, and welcome to the CH podcast. CH stands for College Humor. Wow. If you guys are watching this on the CH2 channel, please stop it, jump on over to dropout.
I am Raphael Chastain. I am Kitty Cat Maravich.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
Okay. Alright. I'm going to catch up to the lower thirds for the thing. Okay. Shay. I'm Shay Parsons. And I'm Adam Frucci. Yeah! Okay. Now, most of us you've probably seen before.
Shay, what do you do? I'm College Humor's production accountant, you know. I get to do all the fun stuff here. Yeah, you do all the fun stuff.
He's the Sugar Daddy. College Humor. He's our Sugar Daddy.
Yeah. Everything you see came from me. Yeah. It's true.
Couldn't do anything without you. Daddy Warbucks. What do you do, Adam?
I'm the head of development for Dropout, so I help make the Dropout shows. Can you talk to him about developing from Dropout?
I know. We talk all the time about developing shows.
I've never seen you before. I don't know this man. We know each other really well. I don't know this man.
Okay. So now that you know us, you're going to get to know us even better through stories. Does anyone have? What's happening? What's happening around there? Do it naturally. Does anybody have anything coming up, a vacation, something like that? Do you have my mic?
Thank you. Yeah. I'm going on vacation, Katie. Where are you going? Thank you for asking. I'm going to Tokyo in a month. Ooh.
Have you ever been before? I went to Japan like 10 years ago for work, but I haven't been back since, and now I'm just going by myself. I'm renting an Airbnb in Tokyo for two weeks, and I'm just going to like hang out, walk around, try to eat a different bowl of ramen every day.
Oh, that's not my thing. Can you do that? I mean, we'll see.
That's so much food. I'm going for 14 days. So I figure if I walk a lot, then that counterbounces, eating like 2,500 calories worth of ramen for lunch every day. Oh, God. I love ramen so much, but I often have it right before bed.
We don't have to get into it.
What happened? Yeah, why? What happened?
Yeah, I was going to say. When I laid that, my stomach is just bubbly. It's just bubbling. Tell me more.
It's like a babbling brook when I go to bed, if I have ramen right before bed. So that's a story about me. That's a good piece of advice for my Japan trip. If you eat ramen right before bed, you get brook tummy.
But that's amazing. I've never been to Japan before, but I would love to go. Yeah, I'm real excited. I used to live in New York, and the flight is longer, and now it's cheaper and faster from here, and I haven't gone on vacation in a real long time.
So I was like, you know what? Yeah. Just do it.
I want to go. I haven't been to very few places. I'm not very well traveled. I've been to Iceland and Israel, and then all over, I've done a bunch of road trips. But I would like to go to Europe and do more things. Yeah, I haven't done the Europe vacation. I never did that post-grad, backpacking around thing. I was like, oh, I need to go get a job and make money. I can't fly to Europe right now.
Exactly. You never quite understood how that worked. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah.
I've never been to Europe, neither. The only places I've been is Brazil.
Brazil was great. Brazil was very fun, but the way that I started having a bad attitude about it, because I was 17, and I wasn't supposed to go on it. It was supposed to be my dad and my mom.
This was a missions trip to Manaus, which is in the Amazon basin. The mission was to build a church there.
I was 17. I did not want to go. I had to get my first passport and all that kind of stuff, get a bunch of shots or whatever.
But when we went, I loved it, except the day we were leaving, I got food poisoning. That was the first time I'd ever had food poisoning before.
That's much worse than Brookbelly. On a scale. It's like a raging river. It's the Amazon. Yeah. Amazon cut.
It was so bad, and I knew I was going to die. In my head, I was like, this is it. Now I know one of the worst feelings you can have is being sick away from home, and that was devastating.
Also, they kept overbooking our flight to get back, because this was with a group of church people. They kept overbooking our flight, so they kept coming back to our specific group and asking us, is there anybody that you would volunteer to stay, because we fucked up and we keep overbooking the flight.
I was only 17. Everybody else was old and had jobs and responsibilities.
Oh, man, so you just kept staying? I kept staying. No. Were you sick for the whole time you were staying?
Oh, no. Oh, shit. This always happens. Hold on. No, it doesn't. Oh, yeah. We can tighten it up.
Yeah, we did build the church successfully, but not with... Did you actually help? Yes, I helped. I helped.
What were the bathroom facilities like? No, we did not build a bathroom. So this is what we did.
We get food poisoning, and you aren't at your home toilet. That makes food poisoning twice as bad, I imagine. Oh, no. Yeah, I had a bathroom, especially after that, like, initial two weeks when they kept overbooking our flight and asked us to stay.
They put us up at, like, this beautiful hotel at Black Point, I want to say. Or is that in Jamaica? Anyway, it was something like that. But it was really nice. The place that they kept putting us up at was really nice. How nice was that?
But we did not install bathrooms in that church. It's basically just the concrete. It's just a wall of bricks. And we made sure there were four walls.
Yes. Kind of, yeah. And then somebody put a roof up. Wow, it sounds like you really helped him out, Raph. Hell, yeah.
They couldn't have did it without me. One of my best friends studied abroad in Italy.
And when he went, he got food poisoning really bad. And he was staying. He, like, showed up at this hotel that he was staying at. And he passed out immediately. And he shit his pants in his hotel room. And he woke up. And his pants were full of shit. And he was real sick. And so he was like, oh, he went into the bathroom. And he left the pants, like, shitty jeans in the sink to soak and then passed out again. And then later, he woke up. He was feeling a little better. He went into the bathroom and realized it was a shared bathroom with the adjoining room. And his pants were hanging up because somebody had to use the sink.
Oh, my God. The person had to, like, fish the shitty jeans out of the sink and hang up. Oh, my God. And he was like, well, I've never felt more guilty in my entire life. Oh, God.
This is like shit memento. This is like memento of shitting. That's horrible. Can you imagine? It's like already you're deeply ill in a country you're not familiar in. And you shit your pants, no dignity. And then... The worst thing.
A nice British old couple, I assume, who's on holiday, has to deal with your shitty wranglers. Jesus. Oh, I think I would have... Just flown home.
Yeah, like, if I had to touch someone shitty jeans, I think I would have to move. I would have called the front desk and be like, I need a new room because there's shitty jeans in my bathroom. I would be furious. This wasn't on the Yelp page or whatever. I probably, considering how I handled my shit bathroom, I'd probably just be like, well, I guess this is what I paid for.
Huh? Our producer is trying to help me to adjust this mic. I think you... No. Fuck it. Katie's trying to make it worse. Yeah, you are absolutely loosening it up. There you go. Okay. So the first thing that we will do... What did we say was the first thing? We're going to do little scripts. Yeah.
Are we going to do some rejected sketch theater? So this is a sketch that I wrote that was reject... That did not make it into production.
I guess we'll find out why after we read it, maybe. Yeah, well, you'll find out immediately, not after. You will find out right away. So this one is you and me, but I don't remember this at all.
Right. And, Adam, I guess if you don't mind reading stage, I think it's only one. Yeah, I think that's just the first one. Raph, I'm happy to bring my talents to this wonderful script of yours. Okay. All right.
Revealing Too Much by Raph. Interior, office, day. Katie types away on her computer. Raphael enters. Hey, Katie, did you ever get a chance to schedule that rehearsal?
Oh, no, I forgot. I can do it. Don't worry about it.
Oh, I feel terrible. I'm so embarrassed. Look, if it makes you feel any better, I just clogged the toilet. Why would that make me feel better? Well, sometimes it makes people feel better about their mistakes if they know other people have made even bigger mistakes.
But those aren't even close to the same thing. Oh, yeah. I guess you're right.
I feel silly. Oh, don't feel silly. If it makes you feel better, I split my pants at school when I was nine practicing my ballet moves.
It was awful. That's not so bad.
I just made a poop too big for our industrial-straight toilets to flush. One time, I accidentally wished happy birthday to a dead person on Facebook. After I clogged the toilet, I was so embarrassed that I tried to cover it up. When I was by mitzvah, my phone started blaring hardcore porn out of nowhere. By cover it up? I mean, I got a spoon from the kitchen and transferred half the poop to the other toilet. One time, when I was drunk, I paid a homeless man for his Taco Bell. Sam walked in the bathroom at one point. Now he thinks I have some rare form of OCD. I once walked in on my parents having sex, and I called the police. Transferring the poop actually compounded the problem, so now there's two clogs. When I was a teenager, I accidentally threw up on my high school crush. Moving the poop from one toilet to the other took so long that I had to poop again on top of the clogs. You clogged two toilets and then pooped again on top of the clogs?
See? Now your thing's not so bad. Yeah, but you just ruined so many people's day. I guess you're right. I feel so bad now. It's okay. Look.
Katie stands to reveal her shit-stained jeans. Katie, still? You're not supposed to wash jeans!
The end! Man, that was like accidentally, thematically on for this podcast. This is just talking about shit in this podcast. Yeah. It's never not relevant. Truly, it connects us all. What are your guys' thoughts on this?
Why wasn't it green lit? How come you think it wasn't green lit?
There's a fine line with scat humor. Yes! Scat for scatological nuts. There's no line. Is that what you thought he meant? Yeah, no, she's right. Poop jokes are great, but you can scat too much. Let the other instruments get in there. Exactly. I thought it was real funny. I don't know why you didn't take it. Maybe I'm like a 12-year-old, but I thought all those poop jokes were real funny. And I commend you. Oh, right. Yeah. So was that just a hard pass for being too gross?
I don't remember. I wrote it so long ago. I do not remember.
Because it made it far enough along in the process that you wrote the whole script. It's not like you pitched it in people like Raph. A whole sketch about you clogging a toilet? That's too gross.
Right. That's true. I truly don't remember. I wish that I could. But you are right. That is accurate.
Yeah, I wrote the whole thing. What I'm saying is it sounds like it was like Reika's fault. No, this is so long ago. Yeah, it would have been the head writer. Yeah, I have no, but I don't really want to make it. I'm just saying, if you order up a shit sketch to be written, don't be mad that there's a lot of shit jokes in it. Like, come on, buyer beware. Well, that actually, I might not have put the shit in the pitch. Your pitch is like a funny wordplay between Katie and myself. It would have been something like revealing too much. And you probably didn't even talk about shit when you were in the room. And then this is what you handled it. Yeah, it was probably something like I was like, yeah, you know that thing of where you're trying to make somebody else feel better by telling an embarrassing story that you have. And then write it up. Beautiful. I don't want any more specifics about it before you write this up. Yeah, so that happened. That was in my head, and now it's on the paper, and now it's in all of your heads, and you can't wash it out.
Shay, what's your favorite sketch? My favorite sketch? Yeah, of College Humor. I've been in a few sketches. What's your favorite one that you were in? The one that I was in was the Trump Show Us Your Penis sketch.
It was very topical, and we had to get it out right away. That was a fun one. That was really fun to shoot, and it was fun because they fed you exactly what to say, and then I was also in that one. It was great. I've had at least one sketch that was topical, and that's why we didn't do it, because by the time that it would have been out, it would have already been irrelevant. But that was a Zuckerberg one.
Specifically after that whole trial or whatever. Not trial, but the hearing. Yeah, the hearing.
And then I had one other sketch that was so legal. Legally, it was such a problem that not only could we not do it, but they won't even let us read it on this rejected sketch theater. Can you give him a hint? I can say that it involves a famous case from...
I want to say. I think you can say that. Yeah, you can say that. We can say that, right? Yeah, yeah, and then after that, we got to say that.
What a huge struggle. Now I'm just curious as to why that got rejected legally. Oh, I remember. It turns out she's alive and she'll sue us, but don't tell anybody. No, no, no, no. But one of the family members would sue us. Yes. Or no, we were already sued.
We're getting the move on. No, no, no. Let's really think this is hard. I'm sure there's no landmark black company walking like a bunch of dumbasses. Well, it's live, baby.
I have a game I'd love to start playing to change the subject. Really? So this is a game that was inspired and also just created by Lily, our new cast member. So I will, or all of us will take turns reading these. And basically, it's would you date this person?
They are the perfect person except for this one thing about them. So the first one. Okay, so perfect person, attractive, attentive, wonderful. But they have the Pledge of Allegiance tattooed across their chest.
Yes. Yeah, for sure. Definitely. That's easy. I wish it was on the back, but I'm going to just... They wear a shirt and they're the perfect person. Exactly, exactly. 100%. I'm fine with that.
Even if it was like on their neck, I'd probably be okay with it. If it's on their face, that'd be strange. On their face? Yeah, face might be the barrier. The Pledge of Allegiance? But if it's so small, that's a little off-putting. So on their face, you don't do it. Right, on their face.
That's what it takes. That might be the line, yeah. Okay. But chest, yeah. Chest. At all. Absolutely. All right.
This flaw is they have a room in their house filled with old Victorian dolls and refuse to explain why.
Ew. Yes, again. I feel like I'm revealing my standards are low, but hell yes, definitely mine.
I don't need to go in that room. I don't need to play with the dolls. Who cares?
They're perfect in every way? Oh, for a perfect person?
Yeah, bring it on. I agree with you. Like, I'm single. Like, I met the perfect woman, but she had a room full of dolls. I would be excited. It's much better than the people that I normally meet on dating apps. Oh, man. So I have much worse things than a room full of dolls. We're going to have to use this footage in a deposition at some point.
What? Let me think. I say no. I say no. I pass. Why? Wow. Because I thought if this is such a huge secret, I don't actually know. Everything that I think I know about you that makes you perfect is now in question.
Because of whatever has to do with these Victorian, a room full of Victorian dolls. It could be a small room. Maybe they're worth a lot, and then they can sell them someday, and you get a down payment on a house.
Well, then tell me that.
Maybe they want it to be a surprise, Raph. I say no. I don't think I can do a room full of Victorian dolls. I don't think so. Would you?
I mean, I guess it depends on when in the relationship I find out about it. If they're upfront about it, yeah, I'm fine with it. Yeah. That's just a collection. But they're only upfront to the point of, I have this thing. If you push any further than that, they won't explain it to you. Yeah. That is a little weird. Well, I say by my answer, yes, fully in no reservations.
Nobody's with me. Everybody else is.
No, bring it on. I want to date this crazy solidity. All right. So this person is absolutely perfect, except even though you see them, it's really hot and on a really hot and awesome human, the rest of the world sees them as a goat. Oh, I'm fine with that. I would know. No, I would not date this. Oh, what? The Victoria. You're saying you're telling me that in your hypothetical situation, this is a man, a fully grown adult man who has a room full of Victorian dolls. That's fine. Come on.
I won't tell you why. I don't want people to think I'm, you know, romantically involved with a goat. Yeah, you can take doll man out to dinner, but you take a goat out to dinner and you look like a fucking creep. Absolutely not. I'd say no to the goat man.
I totally understand where Katie's coming from, but I would say yes. Yeah. It's fine. Perfect in every way. Like, we just stay home all the time. Who cares? Exactly. I'm fine with that.
Where do I go anyway? I have nowhere to go.
I go out all the time. But not with your significant other. I've met your girlfriend. But you don't go to work with...
She was not a goat. As far as we know. That's true. I'm not saying I'm looking for a goat person. I'm just...
You little goat pervert. Raph's a goat. Yeah, Raph's a little goat fucker.
Oh. All right.
This person is perfect in every way, except they blocked off 30 minutes every evening to listen to Who Let the Dogs Out on repeat. I'm fine with this. Yeah. I am absolutely fine. That's the easiest one to say yes to. This was me 10 years ago. I'm fine with that. You listen to Who Let the Dogs Out on repeat for a 30 minute vlog every night 10 years ago, Raph? Hey, man.
I was going through the wrong time. That's great fog. I saw it was already 10 years old then. It's not like it was recent then, man. I was going through a rough time and it soothed in. It was nostalgic.
Who did the dogs out? Who?
All right, guys.
This person is perfect in every way and the one thing is they use a litter box. To poop in? It doesn't specify, but yes. Do I have to clean the litter box or do they clean it themselves?
See how small this is? It doesn't say any of this. I don't know why you're asking me. What do you think?
Honestly, I'm turning into Frucci in this game because all of the like I'm perfectly easily 100% ago. If they're perfect in every way except they use a litter box.
Honestly, anybody who says no to any of these, I want to know how hot do you think you are? How good a catch do you think you are that you're turning down the world's perfect person? I'm married. So I can turn down people. I would turn down this person.
No. If there is a litter box boy out there, I'd say no to dating you. Please feel free to chime in on the discord. How do you say no to litter box boy?
But Victorian dolls boy with a huge secret you're fine with. That just happens in private. You won't even know the difference.
You like to know how you should get from other poops normally. When you go to a house with a cat, you know there's a cat. When you go to my house and you don't see a cat but you smell the smell of a litter shit, you know that there's a man in there pooping. And there is something about you like walk into a friend's bathroom and they have a litter box and there's a human side shit. And you know they don't have a cat.
That's so weird. All right. That is no cat made that. Oh, wow.
The dolls don't bother me. But you're not concerned for your safety of this person's like they have a secret, a creepy secret that they can't tell you. I don't think it has to be creepy. They have their personal reasons as to why they're collecting those dolls.
Shay, I swear to God. It would say they're a murderer as well. They're a time travel from the Victorian era. They're just trying to relive their lost youth because they never get back to their home time. Exactly.
You ever think about that? I had not thought about it since the three minutes ago that I even. Open your mind.
This person is perfect in every way except they are a flat earther. Now we've hit a tough line. This might be the exception that proves the rule, I might not be able to put up with that one. Yeah. Now we've hit a rough line. Just too stupid. Yeah. That just tells everything about the rest of them. That's true because I feel like it almost is a contradiction to say somebody's perfect in every way except for the fact they're a flat earther because if you're not perfect in every way, if you're a flat earther, it means you're a dumbass and you're gullible and you're watching stupid YouTube conspiracy videos and believing everything you see, which is like, if you believe that, you believe a bunch of other dumb horse shit too. Right. Now what if the Victorian doll guy, he has the Victorian dolls because of something to do with he's a flat earther? Well, then they're not. Yeah. We're breaking the rules of the game.
Okay. All right. But what if I took the person you said no to and made them weirder, like, yeah, it still sounds like everybody. All I'm hearing is everyone's on my side now.
Oh, man. Yeah. That would be a very difficult one. Yeah. That's tough.
That just feels too all encompassing. It's not just like a small quirk. It's just like, no, that's your identity. If you're a flat earther, that's the first thing on your biography.
Yes. But what if this was 300 years ago? Hmm. Yes. Hmm. Then is that person good enough? Okay.
This person is perfect in every way, except they say that's scrum diddlyumptious every time they take a bite or sip of any food or...
No, I kill myself. Yes, that's cute. No, I kill myself. That's cute, I get you. I like it.
No, I couldn't do it. Every single time. I feel like I do stuff like that. I couldn't do it. Single bite or sip. So it couldn't do it. You eat a slice of pizza and you say, hmm, that's scrum diddlyumptious 10 or 15 times because that's how many bites it took.
I like it. No, yeah, I'm in. I'm fully in. I'm fully out.
I can't do it. For my own mental health, I can't do it. True love is about embracing somebody's quirks rap. Yes. And you often take on their quirks, so I bet both of you would end up doing it. Well, that's more reason for me not to be with this person. I can't do it.
All right. That's fair. Then I become what I hate the most, scrum diddlyumptious. You hate it? No, it's fine if I can unpack that. All right, guys, the final one.
This person is perfect in every way, but they can read your mind.
No. Yeah, hard pass. Hard pass. No. Hard pass. Yeah.
What if I was thinking little impure thoughts? Because we are not perfect in every way. We are not perfect.
No way.
But can they read your mind always or do they have to be in your presence to read your mind? I assume always. I would assume always.
Like even if I'm not telepathic connection. Mm-hmm. My brain is a nightmare swamp.
I'm not letting anybody else. No. No, absolutely.
Fruity, love is giving up your whatever. Love is having somebody else accept the facade that I've created for myself. Yes. And not knowing the real me. Yeah, exactly. But if they keep protecting somebody else from the truth.
But the premise of this is that they love you back or no? If the premise of this is that they love you back, I think that's beautiful. They read your mind and they hear and they see whatever horrible nightmare shits in there and they're like, cute.
All right. You might be changing my mind. I do it. It's a pretty good plan. I do it. I'm 100% without a doubt on me. No, I don't want to date the person who wants to date me knowing. You know what I mean? Well, that's the thing.
Isn't there something truly beautiful to like be a real optimist about it? Isn't there something truly beautiful about the acceptance you would feel if there was literally no secrets?
Nothing you could possibly hide. They knew everything about you. Every single thing that you feel bad about. I would think there was something wrong with them.
I love that. And they're perfect in every other way. All right. I'm flipping my answer. Yeah.
And they know I love dolls. They know I'm always thinking about Victorian dolls and they're cool with it.
No, I still say no. All right. That's fair.
I don't want people knowing anything. I don't like anyone.
Even my, I lie to my therapists. You can't lie to a lot of people. Always have, always will. I don't think that's weird. I thank a lot of people.
Yeah, of course. Yeah. And you're defeating them. That's like buying food and then throwing it right in the trash. Yes, that's true. You're only hurting yourself. Yeah.
So it's a victimless crime, except for you. I'm just worried they'll put me in jail or something. No, that is a regular. My therapist, if I say something horrible. Right. They can put you in, unless you're like, I murdered somebody. But they can put you in like a mental hospital or something. You can't do self-harm, I think. If you're like, I'm going to hurt myself, but otherwise, those are the only, like, if you're going to hurt yourself or somebody else. Interesting. Or the rules. But if you're like, I have like creepy sex shit going on in my brain all the time. I'm not going to sell you to jail.
I can't stop thinking about fucking these dolls. My God. Fair Lord. I'm mad that nobody would do the donkey person.
What? Sorry. Yeah. What? What did you say? What was the question?
In the context of our conversation, you get what I'm saying. You get what I'm saying.
The goat person. I said I would date the goat person.
I said I would. Oh, yes. You're right. My only field breaker was Flat Earth. Yeah.
All the others signed me up. Give me that flawed companion. I'm in.
We have some questions from fans on Discord. First question is, if the CH office had a Hunger Games, who would win?
Me. Yeah. I absolutely think would be me. It would definitely be Brennan.
Didn't you just hear what I said? Didn't you just hear what I said about my scary thoughts with my therapist and how I can't say that? That makes you seem fragile, not strong. No. No, no, no. That seems like you would really freak out. I think no one understands.
What do you think the Hunger Games is?
You murder people. Right. That's not your thoughts versus another person's thoughts. I think that I would have been studying what really makes each of you tick. And then I would use it against you. I agree. And I would easily kill all of you.
I don't think that happens, though, because I think you don't think Brennan would study up. I think Brennan's been waiting for this moment in time. No. Brennan's not going to kill anyone. He's absolutely not going to kill anyone.
I think what would happen is Brennan would sit down and start talking about a really well thought out plan. Yes. And keep talking about it and then you would come and cut his throat. Yeah. Well, he was in the middle of talking about his plan.
Brennan couldn't kill anybody.
He is a real gentle guy. No, he's not. He's so gentle. He's a sweetheart.
He's not a sweetie. These are all true things. I'm not a sweetie. But here's the thing, though.
You're sleeping on Brennan. No one is sleeping on you. Our guard is up against you.
Oh. Because you guys already know I'm bad. You guys know I'm evil, so. Yeah.
That's a good point. We've got to take Katie up first just to protect the rest of us, then we can figure out what we're doing. I might be the target. That's a good point. You would be the target.
I feel like I wouldn't even wait for the game to start. I'd start killing people. Who would be the first to go? Oh. I just thought of someone but realized I shouldn't say that because that might be bad. Who would I kill first?
I do know. But I'm not going to say it. Wow. No.
Who would you kill first? That wasn't what the question was. What was the question? The question was who would go first. Not necessarily who you would kill first. Who would go first? I don't know. I just know who I'd kill first.
Interesting. Yeah. Are they? Wait. Never mind.
Who do you think? These are the kinds of thoughts you'd want people to read.
I mean, I can. I can.
No, we're not doing this. Say it. We are not doing. Say it.
You cannot do this. Not now. Not here. Not today. Who would be the least likely to survive something like this?
Let's see. I'll say Grant. I think Grant would go first. Yeah. I also say Grant because he's the biggest. Grant's soft. He needs. He is soft. Yeah.
He freaked out going camping for a night in Total Forgiveness and that's like a thing people do for fun. He's going to survive in some dystopian wasteland more than 45 minutes.
That's true.
And he couldn't get. Wait. Did that episode air?
Yeah. Immediately. Yeah.
I think she'd like trip on something going there. She would die just on her own.
Well, right. She's the most civilized of us. She definitely is. That is a very uncivilized situation. Yeah. She's definitely very civilized. Yeah. Right.
She would be the least equipped for that. God, I would love to have this play out in real life just to see how it ends. You would love it? Well, someone write fan fiction about that.
Do we know who these questions are coming from? Does it say who it came from? That one we did not say.
Oh, okay. That one is from Not Okay. From Not Okay. All right.
This next question is from Solar Searcher and it kind of goes hand in hand with the Hunger Games. I've been thinking of turning to a life of crime. Can you give me any tips on which crimes I should or should not commit? Anything with a car. It's hard to prove. That's killing someone. I was going to say, like some sort of financial fraud would be the same thing.
Yeah. Right. If you want to kill someone, you should do it with your cards, which was not with the quick. What is this? A life of crime that nothing about that reads murder that it was done on purpose. There. Okay. Yes. To kill someone. Yeah. Use your car, but make sure that you're sober because you'll get time. Exactly.
If you're a, use your car also, you know, maybe, and I'm just coming up with this off the top of my head. Maybe you meet a stranger, let's say on a train and they have somebody that they want to kill. And then you're like, oh shit, I got somebody I want to be did. So maybe I killed you.
Sounds like a part of them. No, did you hear me? I said I was making it. I said I'm making it up.
No, no, no. It's strangers and you're on a train. Strangers on a train? No, no. That's a totally different thing. Murder on the Orient Express? Yeah. Is that what you're saying? No, no, no. It is strangers on a train. No, murder on the Orient.
I don't even remember how that goes. But yeah. Yeah. I think. Yeah. I don't even. Yeah.
What other crimes are there? There's a whole lot of them. What else?
Like what one will get your blood pumping like murder? Yeah. Like not a lot.
I thought they meant theft. Stealing a cop would be fine. Because a life of crime I thought they were talking about. I thought they were just like skim a little off the top at a popular comedy website, if I say befriended the head of the account.
Yes. I don't know how to do that. Yeah. I would love to do that. I want to do like the office space thing, right?
Where you just like you have the rounding error go all into a secret account and then you keep that. But you don't fuck up the decimal point at the end like they do.
And then it's perfect, right, Shay? I couldn't tell you. Shay, what are your thoughts? How do you do this? Shay.
Damn it. But you could steal some money if you really had control of some money. Yeah, sure. So like if somebody was going to get kidnapped at this office to extort money from College Humor.
What are they going to... What?
A couple thousand? They're not going to miss it. They're not going to notice a couple grand.
Well, you never give money to your kidnappers. So if I ever get kidnapped, don't give them no money.
Why? Because then they'll just keep asking for more money, they'll just keep going back to the well. They just keep kidnapping.
In your scenario, you're ahead. This is the scenario. You get kidnapped. There's a ransom. They pay it, release you. And they're like, man, that was easy. They kidnap you again. And then this keeps happening. Like, well...
There's no security updates.
Well, they really got our number. They keep taking raft and we keep having to pay to get them back.
That is what happens. Well, wraps in on the scheme. Yes, actually. That's how you do things. Ooh. Mastermind. All right.
This next question is from Misha Ripon. I was wondering if there was any workload jump from pre-dropout to post-dropout. Obviously, I don't know all that goes on behind the scenes, but it seems like before dropout, there were regular videos on the YouTube channel, which would include sketch writing, pitches, filming, et cetera. Damn, this is a long answer. Now, in addition to the regular videos on YouTube, which you would have all that work still, there seems to be so much more content and work for you to do podcasts, many more actual shows, which are much longer than sketches, as well as even responding to us on Discord. To me, there seems to be a large discrepancy between the workloads, but I could be underestimating or overestimating. What's the deal?
It is... Yeah, it was a lot more. It has honestly... I feel like it's three more... One another job. It's like three jobs in one now. Yeah. It is just... People are just working their butts off 24-7.
And that's why we got two more cast members. Yeah, we got two more cast members. We hired a bunch of new people, and, you know, we're doing our best.
We're trying to ease people's, but it has been, I think, very stressful for all of us. People have been stressed, and I think with the new thing, people are just... We're all trying to figure out what the new normal is and figure out what the new processes and routines are, so people aren't feeling crazy all the time.
Yeah. We're getting there. Yeah.
I mean, I personally haven't noticed. I think it's been real easy.
That's a joke, folks. All right, and then our last question comes from Van Barbecue.
How far in advance do you guys work on dropout shows? I would assume most of the animated ones are completed before the season airs, but what about shows like Um, Actually or Total Forgiveness? We have a pretty good lead time. What the fuck 101 was done for almost a year before it was released, and that process takes about a year, so that whole writing process and animation takes forever. Total Forgiveness mostly wrapped almost six months before. Actually we shoot four episodes in a day, like once a month, so it really depends on the show. A show like Um, Actually is on a set, so it's easier to bat-shoot those. Something like Total Forgiveness, which is on location in the office, takes a lot more planning and more...
Yeah. It feels like forever ago. Yeah. Yeah, Rank Cream. That felt like two years ago. Truly it might have been two years ago. It was one of the first things that we were working on. When I first started two years ago, we were working on What the Fuck 101, Um, Actually, in Rank Cream were like the first shows we were working on, and that feels like four ever ago. And it's crazy that they're like some are still just kind of like the fact that Rank Cream just premiered is like, Oh, you're right. Yeah, that's been done for 18 months. Exactly.
And I've kind of forgotten. People will ask specific questions about like, Oh, how did you come up with this question? I just, it was two years ago. I don't remember. I forgot my questions in between giving you my answers. I know you did.
If you guys couldn't tell, I don't know. No, people couldn't tell.
No, you really... I really... Yeah. No, you hit it real well. But this guy has thought this through.
I totally forgot. Because we're giving you four, and then you pick two, and then, yeah, like I'll remember one of them, but that one inevitably would not be the one because that'll be a one that like somebody else had, you know? So, but yeah, I'll totally forget in between.
And then we did Troopers June. Yeah, but I think the turnarounds are getting closer. I think the last question, because we had almost like a year to make stuff without releasing it. So we had this like backlog of completed shows, and now we don't. So we have to get on this this pattern of like, OK, we're getting a new show started every month because we're releasing a new show every month. And so things are getting much like we're going into production and stuff where we just wrapped on stuff that'll come out in a couple of months. Yes. So it's definitely gotten way tighter. And I think that's part of the like what everybody's trying to figure out here is like how to transition from making stuff in a vacuum before we launch to making stuff on a regular basis on a pace that everybody can handle. And it's all very... The project I just worked on was filmed for a month from like February to March. And it will be released in June.
Yeah, which seems super quick. Yeah, super quick.
Yeah. OK. Making content. All right.
Thank you guys so much for joining us. If you are watching this on CH2 once again, please jump on over to Dropout. Subscribe to that. You can talk to us, chat with us on the Discord, which was brought up earlier. That's where those questions came from. You can send us questions in there or chat with us. We've got a whole bunch of different channels for every show and just random stuff. But yeah, it's a very fun time. Thank you. This was Adam Frucci, Shave Parsons, Katy Marovitch, Bravio Cheste, Tangang. We out. Hi, I'm Katy Marovitch. And if you like that, subscribe to Dropout, where you can chat with most of the cast on the exclusive Dropout Discord.
I'm not on there. I can't figure out technology. I don't get it at all.
What is this? It's a camera, Katy. Oh, what? It's a camera. Adam Frucci? |
cracked | surprising_difficulties_of_making_homemade_porn_a_cinemasins_team_up | The goal, to make as many sketches as possible. This is one of them. Feeding. Scene 3, Apple. Take one. Marker.
Uh, you know, man, we're not in college anymore. You don't have to sock the door. Just go to your room and master.
Oh, no, you're dead. You're hard dead.
If you know what the sock means, then knock. That's what the sock means. You're on my own front door? Well, you need the whole house to master? It's just my roommate. You can get dressed, but don't wander.
Take five. No, three. Three, thank you. Thank you, three. Ah!
We should get a hot set light in this place. Hey, can we get a hot set light installed?
Drop it in. All right. Who are those people? What kind of tinder-y, eyes-wide shut rainbow party are you jerking off to? I am not jerking off. I mean, death, later. But right now, I need to focus and really pretend to direct this porno. Pretend to? That's much weirder. Okay. Directing porn is my fetish.
Jeez, the camera's not rolling. There's no filming involved. It's very clear about that in the contractor's agreement. Why? If there's no agreement, then you have no legal leverage if there's a dispute. I mean, why do it and not film it?
Do you watch internet porn? Do you?
It's much easier. Yes. It's easy.
Comprehensive themes addressed, sure, but it's woefully amateurish in execution. It's honestly the most watched but least developed artistic medium in our entire epoch.
But I... I go beyond that. I need hours of scene work and surrealist sequences and tracking dolly shots. Bullshit! You're just filming porn in the house! That's all this is. I bet you're rolling in filthy porn money made from the splooge of hard worker's backs. And meanwhile, you said you couldn't make rent last month. Well, I need to pay the actor's scale. I'm not a monster. All the furniture is mine.
Did you consider that? Did you consider juices?
So little of this is actually sexual. How can this be a fetish? Oh, anything barely sexual can be a fetish.
Call sheets, storyboards, lighting rigs. Worrying about the craft services because everyone is just naked and covered in ejaculate. It's honestly the only way I can come now.
You do this every time you want to masturbate? How often is that? How often do you masturbate? 4, 10, 15.
I'm sick that day. Oh, man! If I'm sick, I'll try to do it all day. So that's three. So I have a commercial audition. If this is wrapping up... We would just have that breakthrough with your character by Aunt Mildreen's death. I don't want to drop that energy ball. No, I can haul that. I totally understand the mental space. Why is he dressed like me?
That's a wrap, all right. Let's get out of here. Shoo, shoo, all right. Let's go.
See you tomorrow. You work tomorrow, right? No, I'll see you on the call. She'll figure it out. Try it again tomorrow. No, we won't. And good luck at the audition. Never come back here. I will call the police. Great work today. Reevaluate your lives.
My name is Brad, and his is Bradley. Man, don't tell him my name. I'm going to close the door. |
TheOnion | Boys_Tragic_Death_Could_Have_Happened_To_Any_Family_With_20_Foot_Pet_Python | Stay with us because coming up in a little bit, we're going to have our MoneyWise segment. Oh, for people who are trying to save a few pennies these days, we're going to show you how to guilt your kids into dropping out of college.
But right now, let's return to the story of little Zach Shaw, who last week was tragically crushed and eaten by his pet python. It's the moment that every parent with a 20-foot-long snake fears most and one you can't possibly prepare for. No, and here to tell their story are Rich and Lisa Shaw, Zach's parents.
Thank you both for coming in this morning. I know it might be terribly difficult for you, but could you share with us the details of what happened on the day that Zach died? Well, it was just a regular morning.
Rich was taking the girls to school, and Zach was playing in the habitat. I was painting our study. We were converting it so Zach and the snake could have separate rooms.
I went out for a little bit, and when I came back, I didn't hear Zach playing. And so I went up there, and I saw. I must have been such a shock. Yeah.
I mean, you never think that a python's going to bring your family anything but joy. Of course not. No, it's the kind of thing you think can only happen to other people with a 300-pound snake as a pet. We really tried to be safe parents. We would never let Zach by the pool unless he was supervised by either one of us or the python. Yes, I just keep thinking, what if I had checked on them before I went out shopping and then to the movies? No, no, no. You can't think like that. It's not your fault.
We were going to put a lock on the habitat, I mean a door and then a lock on the habitat. We even thought about keeping the snake outside of the house, especially since he ate our Boston Terrier a couple of months ago.
You couldn't have known. Yes. I know that's true. Even if I could go back, I know there's nothing I could have done differently. Maybe put a bell on the snake. No. Zach wouldn't want you to be sad. Yes, I know. It's been hard on all of us and the snake. Sure.
Jaws is like a son to us. He misses Zach very much. You can see it in his eyes.
Oh. I just want to say to everyone watching, just love your kids every day because you never know when God is going to invite them up to heaven through your snake. All right. That's a great lesson. Well, if you at home would like to help the Shaw family, you can visit our website. There's some instructions there on how you can help defray some of Rich and Lisa's expenses, including the purchase of a much-needed therapy snake for Zach's sister, Ann, who's having some difficulty coping with the loss of her brother. Okay. Now let's go on over to our relationship guru, Craig Whedon, who's going to give us the six signs that your latest fling was a result of woodland fairies meddling in human affairs. |
dropout | Dirty_Laundry_Season_2_Trailer | Will the person who lost a nipple climbing a fence Will the pants pisser Caught eating leftovers out of the trash Grew up in a Disney Channel Star's living room Mausoleum hooker-upper Virgin sacrifice-er Arrested in the middle of their English class Trapped in an amusement park in the middle of the night with an escaped inmate Investigated by the FBI Made a man climax by smashing a lamp to pieces Human body part thief Please take a sip of their drink Please take a sip Take a sip of their drink Take a big ol' sip of their drink We would still be friends after this Let's start lying Oh no!
No way, you son of a biscuit You were in high school?
Oh my gosh That was fucked up Very satisfying Yeah, I did it!
I did it!
That is a dirty laundry first You have sort of a graveyard energy Probably 24 inches 24 inches?
I don't believe you I'm doing it from the table All these secrets are disgusting Eat my ass, Brennan I want to live behind the paywall with you Well dang, welcome to the Krusty Ho Club Oh my god I've got a cup of coffee, I'm changing my tampons Everybody's getting real quick drinks Chipotle brown dirt Spiked to apple cider Celery margarita I'm super drunk right now So what if it was me?
I have secrets about everyone I'm so bad at this |
dropout | cast_of_avengers_2_plays_sock_or_hat_game_show | This is insane. No one is going to talk to us. I feel like the celebrity's eyes will see me doing this and not bother to tell their brain because it's going to be just so inexplicable that it won't matter.
Is this a sock or a hat? That's a hat.
That's right. Okay, good.
Sock or hat? Sock.
It's a hat. That's what I said. It was a hat.
You didn't hear that?
Foggy Nelson.
I just binge-watched your show. It's amazing. Actually, I'm only on episode 10, so don't tell me what happens.
Sock or hat? Hat. It is a hat.
Good job. Excellent. Thank you so much.
Is this a sock or a hat? It is a sock or a hat.
Ah, correct. Hi.
Stan the Man, Stan Soapbox, Excelsior, Millie the Model. Please, Stan. Stan, please, real quick.
It was really exciting to be ignored by Stan Lee.
Sock or hat? Is that a hat?
Correct, James.
I can tell.
Sock or hat? Hat.
Correct, Linda. You nailed it. Thank you. That's it.
Sock or hat? Sorry? Sock or hat? It looks like a hat to me.
You're right, Aaron. Congrats.
Sock or hat?
No, it looks like a hat. Yes. It is a hat.
You're right. Thank you.
Also, I'm a fat professor in Barry Mary Kate.
Sock or hat? It is a hat. All right. Thank you. Mark, sock or hat? It is a hat. Good job, Mark. Sock or hat? I think he would have got it. It's pretty chill about it. All right. So, Jared, sock or hat? It is a hat.
You're right. You did it right. Congratulations.
Thank you, my friend. Good job, cast and friends of the Avengers.
And everybody, please come back for another episode of sock or hat. |
dropout | cups_with_his_face_on_them_amir_tries_to_be_ampm_s_spokesman_part_2 | Oh, this is insane. So this is the plan. You know how to be a spokesperson? You want to put your face on the product? So what better way to do that than putting my face on the cans? Or in this case, cups.
We were kicked out of this store. Correct. Now you want to come back in the store.
You want to have your face on all the cups and administer a taste test to people that don't want to talk to us. What I think is that people will find drinks will taste better coming out of this cup than a normal cup without my face on it. Interesting hypothesis. Let's find out if it's accurate. Let's have a taste test.
Excuse me. Dudes. Have a sip of that coffee in your normal cup. We'll call this the back cup. Choose one of these flavors. We got raspberry bazazz. Just whatever you want. Sort of normal, right? Not great. Yeah. Taste some of this same liquid from a different container with a spokesman's face on it. It's actually mean. I don't want to put words in your mouth. OK. But it will taste better. It's the same drink. Incorrect. Something's a little better. Don't eat her so much. How would you say he's tasted? I mean, obviously this one's better.
What did you think? I felt like this was worse. It tasted the same. It kind of made me uncomfortable.
Do you think he would be a good spokesperson for AMPM? Like, has this been a good experience for you? Good. You see? Good.
AMPM. I prefer your face. AMPM. His face makes you want to laugh. Even fat little baby boys want their mother's milk, and they want it from AMPM.
That was pretty weird. I think I'm going to get going. Of course. Yeah. You guys, I went to stock cookies, and I come out to guests literally running from the store. I guess, yeah, that would be good. Yeah.
I mean, if you want to be a spokesperson, you have to keep people on it. Can you actually hold this cup?
We're going to go. You know what? Thanks so much. Yeah, I need you to go. You're going to. I can do it. Hey, let's go. The bus is coming. Oh, I got to go. OK.
You didn't take any of the cups. |
cracked | the_oscars_paris_hilton_naps_news_on_cracked_2_25_08 | It's Monday, February 25th, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and yes, I lost a bet. Although taking catnaps during the afternoon may not seem like a dangerous endeavor, new research suggests that people who doze during daylight hours are at a greater risk of strokes in later life. In related news, panic has gripped every Spanish-speaking nation worldwide. Last night, Jon Stewart hosted the 80th Annual Academy Awards. It should be noted, by the way, that had Jon died before the show began, I was number 6,023 on the succession list, because Jon and I have similar day jobs.
Ralph Nader has announced that he once again plans not to be the next president of the United States. Nader told reporters that the American political system was clamoring for him.
He said, quote, I could really hear it calling Ralph. Yeah, we went there. He's a good-looking man.
Video game company Electronic Arts has made a $2 billion bid to acquire the producers of Grand Theft Auto. Take two. Video game company Electronic Arts has made a $2 billion bid to acquire the producers of Grand Theft Auto. Take two.
I just did take... Oh, that's the name of the company. Scientists in Paris have concluded that women do indeed possess a G-spot, the portion of a woman's vagina that, when stimulated, gives them a powerful orgasm. It's located between a man's ass and a hole in the ground. Honestly, we're just proud that we didn't go with scientists in Paris have confirmed that. It's cute. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back Wednesday when I'll explain that it was, whoever gets the awesomest haircut first loses... |
dropout | GoFundMe_CEO_We_Could_Use_A_Few_Fun_Ones | Hello America, my name is Dan Spoon and I'm the CEO of GoFundMe, the personal crowdfunding website that gives you the tools you need to achieve your dreams. Honeymoon's, Dream Vacations, the world was your oyster. That vision of the company vanished almost immediately as we instead became an unwilling lynchpin of the American healthcare system. Over a third of campaigns on our platform are intended to raise funds for medical debt, which for many Americans can be overwhelming to the point of personal bankruptcy to...
You okay Dan? Yeah, um, I think the um, there might be an issue with the prompter because their faces are staring out at me asking me for help from it. What? I didn't, um, can we cut?
While we do take a grim and haunted sort of pride in being the only option for America's 80 million un- or under-insured inhabitants, it also is slowly but surely destroying our will to live. Put simply, it would really help morale around here if there were a few light-hearted campaigns on the site. Just a few. We could really use some fun ones. So we've started an initiative to rebrand the company and remind people, hey, this site's for more than just begging for your own life.
For example, Jan Smelt from Cedar Rapids needs only $200 to build a cat tree for the fuzzy friends at her animal rescue. As you can see here, Jan just needs $40 more before her... This project has been postponed as Jan and her cats have been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma.
Jan's insurance company is denying coverage because Jan recklessly chose to be secretly poisoned by the asbestos mill upriver from her house for over 40 years, and Jan is also being sued by the mill for damaging their brand image? What is the brand image of an asbestos mill? What is an asbestos mill?
Oh! God, I hope Jan's alright. An actual great example of a fun GoFundMe project is Devin Boone, who wants to go kayaking with his friends Tad and Steve. Devin writes, Sup, bros! Me, Tad, and Steve all finna hit those tasty waves out at this year's surfcon.
Our plan is to paddle out to sea, eventually crossing the border into Mexico. None of us have passports, and Steve's pancreatic cancer has unfortunately metastasized. He can't afford surgery in the States, but if me and Jan sell our kidneys to the Sinaloa Cartel...
Do you want us to keep rolling? Are you okay? Do you need a minute? I run a website that hosts popularity contests where if you lose, you die. Would you be doing alright? You promise this does not have any illness in it, no medical, nothing, right?
Matt Smith and Doug Craig are raising money for a new podcast called PodCast, where they review the previous episode of their own podcast. This is actually somehow sadder than the cancer ones.
I... So should we run the images? Yeah, I mean, you know, I didn't get a chance to look over them, but it seems like the rebranding initiative is maybe a wash at this point. Maybe just run the demo slugs and just take a look at those? Oh, oh, you know what? I think there may have been a mix-up. These seem to be like they're the wrong factoids. Oh? I feel like I have sharp nails in my body. Is that normal?
Do I need a GoFundMe? Look, ultimately, I'm not even saying we do anything as extreme as single-payer healthcare. I'm just saying, what if we had something along the lines of like one giant GoFundMe every year that would just pay for all the people who got sick or hurt that year? Well, that's single-payer healthcare. Ah, our new online newsletter, Sickness is Storytelling, How to Make Your Cancer More Marketable, will give you tips and tricks to have your life's greatest misfortune go viral.
I can't do this anymore. I actually can't do this anymore.
Also, please consider donating to our staff's GoFundMe, entitled Our Funky Little Kickstarter Turned Into a Dystopian Pressure Valve That, While Helpful, Is Only Delaying Our Collective Reckoning With Our Society's Pathological Hatred of the Working Class, and that we all need therapy. Okay, guys, title's a little long on that one. Maybe we shorten that up. Not very punchy, probably won't go viral, and it needs to.
There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad? Ha ha ha ha ha! So sign up for your free trial today. Or don't. Do what you think is right. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. I don't even know you. That would be crazy. I, um, it was wrong of me to tell you what to do.
I'm sorry. And that's on me. I'm sorry.
And that's on me. I'm ruining the CTA? |
wearethesundayblues | zoella_chat_sandwich_episode_3_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | If you'd like to taste our chat sandwich, come on down and take a bite. Sure, I can't believe we're already on episode 4. Um, no, I think it's episode 3. Nick, it's episode 4, okay? I'll bet my Jack Russell on it. Welcome to episode 3 of Chat Sandwich.
My name's Nick. I'm Gareth. And I'm Doug, how's it? Doug, what are you doing?
You're not a presenter. We spoke about this. Sorry, Ox, but I just got carried away. We don't pay you to get carried away. You don't pay me at all?
Today's guest is one of the most watched female bloggers in my browser history. She's well known for her love of fashion, beauty and slightly chunky South African talk show hosts in light blue shirts. Please welcome Zoella. Hello, it's lovely to meet you both.
I'm a big fan of the show, I must say, and I just think things are looking a little different. What's with the candle? Oh, you know, just creating some ambience.
Zoe, I've got you this flower because I know that you love Strelitias. Oh, that's so sweet, but my favourite flower is a lily, the Dover equinox lily to be precise. Only four of them bloom on the cliffs of Dover during the last full moon before spring.
They're simply breathtaking. Well, consider your breath taken. Feast your eyes on these. I figured you'd be impressed.
No, how on earth did you get them here? They're endangered. You know what else is endangered?
My heart. What? What does that even mean?
Tell us about your fashion blog, Zoe. Well, OK, so I first started getting interested in makeup tips from a couple of gurus on YouTube. They really inspired me to write about what I love, which is fashion and beauty, and so I started my own blog, Zoella, in 2009. I've also started branching out into vlogging with my own channel on YouTube, and...
Zoe, what's your favourite movie? Mine's The Notebook, obviously. Somewhat of a hopeless romantic. Well, I'd have to say that Moulin Rouge is one of my all-time favourite movies. Mine too. But Nick, last week you told me that your favourite movie of all time was Con Air.
Oh, look! Here's Doug with our meal. A meal? I thought this was supposed to be an interview. Well, the show's not called Chat Sandwich for nothing. Oh, right, so we're having sandwiches. No. What the... Douglas! We specifically asked for oysters, followed by lobster, smothered in garlic butter. This is Two Minute Noodles. Smothered in nothing! Sorry, Oakes. I forgot the PIN number for my bank card. Honestly, Doug, you're about as useful as a hashtag on Facebook. Doug, stop daydreaming! Go get us the dessert.
So, Zoe, not so long ago you reached the one million subscribers mark on YouTube. Tell us, what do you look for in a boyfriend? I'm not sure how those two things are related, but yes, I recently found out that over a million people have subscribed to my channel online. It's amazing and really humbling. As for what I look for in a guy, I'd have to say... Oh dear, Nick, you're on fire! Why, thank you. I do feel this interview is going pretty well.
No, your sleeve is on fire! Shh, shh, shh, shh. Let's not ruin this moment. Do you... do you always carry a fire extinguisher around with you in that handbag? A girl's gotta be prepared.
Thanks for joining us here on Chat Sandwich. All that's left for me to do is to thank our special guest, Zoella. Join us again soon for another tasty episode of Chat Sandwich.
By the way, Zoe, what... what are you doing after this? Do you... I don't know, do you want to maybe grab a coffee or...
Sorry, but I've already got plans with Doug. He's taking me to see Twilight on ice. That's right, X! I found off brass tickets on Gumtree! Unbelievable. |
dropout | hardly_working_mother_s_day | I can't talk right now. Because I'm at work! Bye. I love my mom.
Yeah? How much? Oh, I don't know. That much. Wow, because I love my mom to the moon and back, so when you say that much, it doesn't seem that impressive, does it? Oh, really?
Because my hands weren't cupped in, they were spread out, meaning I have infinite amount of love for my mom. You think you love your mom more than I love my mom? Oh, no, no, no, no. I know I love my mom more than you love your mom. I bought my mom a dozen roses for Mother's Day, and I would kill myself before I gave them to her, because I don't want her to think that that's all she's worth.
So why'd you buy them? To prove a point! In second grade, Henry Thurlow called me a mama's boy. I've never been so flattered in my entire fucking life. I took him to Denny's to show my appreciation. He's now my stepdad. My mom breastfed me until I was 25. Now I breastfeed her. I'm scheduled to get a sex change in early 2010, so I could be more like my mom. Ha! I already got one.
It's my dad. I hate my dad. I can't believe he gets to fuck my mom every night. |
cracked | if_alabama_were_a_movie_what_would_it_be_50_states_of_film | Hello and welcome to the 50 states of film I've set out on a journey across America to pick a movie to represent each state And today we're looking at Alabama How do you cook your grits? You like them regular creamy or al dente? Just regular I guess Regular instant grits.
No self-respecting southerner makes instant grits But if you do I won't tell might I add no self-respecting cinephile should reduce the state to its cuisine But maybe we can define a state by its music The mating call of Dixie Seriously, this guitar riff is so famous that some say the only person in Alabama who's never heard it couldn't of course I'm talking about Helen Keller What other state can take credit for Helen Keller's discovery of object permanence? Yeah, Alabama's pretty great Sweet Home Alabama is so famous that many films feel compelled they obligated to include the song or worse Literally steal its title. I guess something about it invokes the faraway magical land of Alabama where young love thrives We're dumb is smart and we're Giants will roam a land that will defend the integrity of home cooking Till the bitter and so long as they keep the Confederate flag flying outside the state capitol Okay, but Michael give the people a break How many years did they actually keep that flag flying up after the Civil War ended? Okay, you got me only about 150 years on the bright side removing the flag from the state capitol is symbolic of the Confederacy's legacy Coming to an end the flag is gonna live on the Confederacy's gonna live on the blood is gonna live on This guy's got the south just running through his veins anyway I would hate to conflate the state's love of the south with something as foul as Slavery since I always aim to see the best in people I will assume all Confederate iconography that could be associated with evil racist slavery of the past Instead is about maintaining just a little bit of southern pride Alabama pride is like southern rock rebellious and spiteful of Canadians like Neil Young Neil Young came out You know, of course with a couple of songs that put down Alabama and Ronnie saying was held Neil. You're from Canada What the hell you know about Alabama? I screamed freebird three times in the mirror and the ghost of Ronnie van Sant appeared He took me on a wild journey through the south and I'm here to tell you what I saw I'm Michael J Strauss Esquire and this is the 50 states of film Removing the Confederate flag from the state capital in Montgomery a city that sounds best in the southern drawl is Wholly symbolic of what a good story about Alabama must have it is slow to change and will wildly defend its southern Identity sometimes just to be scary So our Alabama pick has got to have some institutions like big government the army the courts civil rights Southern and young love the Klan and probably Alabama football before we go any further I have to bring up one more piece of nasty business when writing this episode multiple sources have insisted I include something about Alabamans doing it with their Yeah doing it with their cousins for the record I did some really extensive research on incest I found some pretty compelling arguments out there, but in the end couldn't substantiate this claim news folks Incest is illegal in Alabama, but is not a criminal offense in just two states, Rhode Island and New Jersey See this is where I think most of us come as non Alabama natives were naive Inexperienced and from New Jersey just like Joe Pesci who plays Vincent LaGuardia Gambini better known as my cousin Vinny Put Ralph Macchio Mitchell Whitfield and Joe Pesci together and you get me a person whose worst nightmare Involves being tried for murder in a state like Alabama.
I shot the clerk. Yes. When did you shoot him?
I shot the clerk When will you learn Daniel son don't self-incriminate There's no better way to experience Alabama than watching my cousin Vinny hear me out the twisted hilarious 1992 comedy classic that one works at home a an Oscar Should be the state movie of Alabama. I mean sure it's not sweet home, Alabama But the sappiness of a rom-com just doesn't scream roll tide to me and the civil rights epics like Selma and just mercy are immeasurably important too But do those movies have the courts the institutions a bunch of hillbillies big farmers a friggin steam clock thing Grits and loads of leonard skidded fans who are definitely not racist Hey in 2007 Alabama officially apologized for its part in slavery Which is actually great and it solved everything. That's how things go you play by the establishments rules in Alabama because what the judge says Goes about you. So when you come into my courtroom, you would know the letter the law I'll react harshly when you don't so Vinny comes to rescue his little cousin from a wrongful murder accusation It doesn't help that they accidentally admit to the murder being in such disbelief that the Alabama criminal justice system would be so swift Lucky for Vinny. He has a bit of a deus ex machino when his betrothed Mona Lisa Vito Ends up knowing a shit ton about cars This case is a special place in my heart in that it centers around the southern delicacy of grits Which looks and tastes like horse cum Vinny and Mona Lisa arise at 5 30 a.m. Via the steam whistle alarm from the sawmill factory How Alabama is that and then Vinny learns all about grits? What is a grit anyways, it's made out of corn I'm hominy grits And then once the entire grit making process is explained and my Pavlovian appetite for horse cum returns Vinny Corners this confused man into a pickle How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit eating world 20 minutes, I don't know cook This all leads to this guy's testimony just falling apart all because this guy is too damn southern and proud and won't admit that he's a Time-lord of grit making sorcery see sometimes this show is about food because it's about Culture guys and grits culture is Alabama culture when the Honorable Judge Chamberlain Holler What a name decides to tell Vinny that he is dressed like a dumbass and wants some decorum It really shows the value of southern elegance Despite the fact that the courtroom is the most elegant part of the state we've experienced thus far the rest is underwhelming to say the least Vinny keeps getting sent to jail for contempt of court because he can't dress or talk like a good southern gentleman when he leaves prison There are a bunch of folks protesting the death penalty Which is the kind of thing that Alabamians actually deal with on a day-to-day basis see this should be the state movie There's nothing overtly Stereotypical or problematic about naming my cousin Vinny the state movie for Alabama, right? It's definitely not a biased Yankees gaze of the good old boys. It's not like this movie ever roasts Alabamians Maybe a wise guy insisting southern stuff is stupid probably subverts state pride We're better off for picking a state movie that does not believe southern culture is built on antiquated dead and strange ideas of decorum That are best differ from America's morals and at worst is immoral in itself But Alabama is known for some fun things guys like reinventing the death penalty this year and being morally confused about frozen embryos a real obsession with using the law as an excuse to act ass backwards just because and if you're a faithful viewer who Might be from Alabama You might disagree that things aren't ass backwards But rather dick forwards and I am here to defend every great American from Alabama to Wyoming Because it's the ability to adapt learn and succeed that drives the American spirit So while I really want to say that Vinny is our pick I I can't the heart and soul of Alabama belongs to one man the only true American hero since they killed mr.
Peanut Forrest Gump This novel to movie adaptation of Forrest Gump is sort of symbolic for Alabama The state like the man is slow to progress and even with a sordid past and literally no prospects can overcome and achieve something Forrest Gump is about the spirit of Alabama. Sure forced is found at groundbreaking civil rights moments in Alabama and in front of the whole country and sure He overcomes an ambiguous leg disability and breaks free of his shackles I've always wondered if this is a sort of off-color slavery reference or just an overall inspiring moment Maybe I shouldn't call them shackles But yes He sheds his braces and finds himself an all-american football player at the University of Alabama with an IQ of 75 Is that not the Alabama dream? Gump has done way more than the average human. He's a paradoxically progressive yet simple, man Let's not forget we all love force because of the man he becomes Not where he comes from because that would be a long line of racists This is a wild factoid that honestly I forgot about until now but it makes sense and might even show a dilemma, Alabama's face reconciling the past ah The Klan had embedded and allied itself with local police in the 50s and 60s and they successfully did so with the police in Birmingham Alabama and Governor George Wallace's office watching forest defy George Wallace while simultaneously making a better name for the forest namesake feels I don't know pretty Alabamian forest confronts other parts of his past when Jenny is like hey, man You got a kid and we named him after your racist grandpa, but he's smart as fuck. It might be a psychic medium That's a quote from the movie Jenny is a woman who forest shares undying sweet southern young love with and I know I kind of Dispelled the incest thing, but that's um, that's in here too. Sorry, Jenny Anyway, forest becomes a modern man who is not racist and even had a black friend once that's the kind of progress that screams well Alabama could be proud of this flick it confronts the Confederate past and while it recognizes its existence Looks towards an ever so slightly brighter future if Forrest Gump can be a hero I guess anyone can sure he's no Helen Keller, but he's better.
He can hear and see With a little help from Lynyrd Skynyrd. Seriously. This film has two Lynyrd Skynyrd songs in it sweet home, Alabama and free bird Forrest Gump is our choice for the cinema state for Alabama And now some shitty log lines for our Alabama honorable mentions fried green tomatoes Oscar winner Kathy Bates is kind of sad but then listens to one of the most insanely Alabama stories of all time that ends with a Human person getting served up as the sheriff's favorite barbecue This one's a winner but I fear tales like these invented the Karen big fish and old dad keeps telling the same story over and over again in a Perfect southern drool and it's about catching a big fish. Would you look at that? But through a series of flashbacks we get some cool, Alabama elephants and football scenes in general crimson roll tide It's a nice, Alabama pastiche It's a sweet nice tearjerker or you know and a good film if you like Tim Burton Whatever talladega nights a whole lot of sweet baby Jesus and the talladega super speedway puts it on this list the butler the White House Butler talks about his life and how his time fighting for civil rights and some key moments like Selma Allowed him to have the amazing job of doing Turned-down service and folding the president's underwear or whatever the White House Butler does the miracle worker with Anne Bancroft and Patty Duke two people You know by name but couldn't point out in the lineup when Academy Awards How about them apples just mercy a Harvard lawyer goes down south because poor people are being wrongfully accused of crimes They didn't commit Sounds all about right part of Dixie Ferrari girls realize The world is racist the Rosa Parks story and the long walk home more civil rights movies that are not as good as Selma But shoutouts to Angela Bassett and Whoopi Goldberg crazy in Alabama This thing is everything accents nostalgia civil rights tensions a sheriff played by Hold up Is that meatloaf worth a watch one watch to kill a mockingbird a child and a man named after ghost orgasms exonerate a wrongfully accused Man, who's essentially on trial because of the color of his skin Gregory Peck's Atticus Finch and the story are legendary That's a pretty diverse list of films and we could get into the weeds about the legacy of these films But gump takes the whole thing the entire shrimp and grits. Thanks for watching 50 states of film I'm Michael Strauss. Let me know which one of your favorite Bama movies I missed but be careful I might go fried green tomatoes on your ass |
dropout | the_high_school_food_chain | It's time again to dive into the wondrous and thriving ecosystem that exists under our very noses and the many strange and amazing beings that inhabit it. Join us as we enter the High School Food Chain. Today we take a look at a particularly strange breed, odd amongst even the standards of its peers, in this teeming petri dish of awkward adolescent life. So so in between us. Falling somewhere in the center of the hierarchy of high school creatures, this species is neither true predator nor prey, constantly existing in a state of flux.
Check this out. Jaybird, kiss the ball, plus it's about to hit, goes up for three, Kobe. No way. I would say air ball, but that even missed the air. Is there a one pointer? You could probably make that. They do in British basketball, which they call soccer. Whatever.
I would be hitting threes all day if I wasn't shooting with my heroin arm. Besides, training for the 2016 Olympics, so I got to keep in shape.
Lacking the ingrained prey reaction of the Nerdist Calcularis, or his fantasy loving cousin, the Dungius Dragonum, who rely on stealth and avoiding detection, the so-so in between us has a habit of constantly exposing itself to more dominant species. So-so in between us also lacks the genetic survival mechanisms found in the wealthiest rich kidicus, or the joccus abdo havis, like a fancy car, rich dad, or natural athleticism.
Oh, oh, I'm all out of love.
That's a lucky invisible lady. Hope you're wearing an invisible condom. I am. I don't want invisible babies.
Ooh, speaking of ladies. Luckily for the so-so in between us, he is far too preoccupied to fully understand the precarious terror of his own existence. What, you may ask yourself, could possibly occupy such a massive portion of his brain stem? Ah, yes. Femme popularum. Their elaborate plumage announces their presence to potential mates, and it seems as though so-so in between us would like very much to be considered amongst that category.
Now's your chance. Go say hey. Then what? Just hey.
So they can smell this on your drive. Nothing cooler than a guy who drinks on school grounds. For real? He was just dry humping an invisible person. I found that in the parking lot. Riding high on a surge of adrenaline, hormones, and cheap fermented grains, the fellow appears ready to make his move.
But, oh no. Oh, uh... Yes. Femme popularum.
While threatening enough on a one-to-one basis, they can be absolutely deadly in groups. And so this poor species meanders through life, trying to avoid the pitfalls of natural selection. And thus turns nature's wheel, as savage as it is beautiful. |
TheOnion | Meat_Prices_Skyrocket_After_Cow_Smashing_Machine_Gets_All_Beefed_Up | Buying a burger might start taking a bite out of your wallet. Meat prices skyrocketed this week after the place that makes the meat revealed that the cow-smashing machine is all beefed up. This machine has beef way up in it. The basher, the meat collector, even the main meat, all of it. Lousy with beef. The cow-smashing machine is an integral part of the meat-making process, taking whole big cows into one end with all different meats falling out the other. Supermarket chains warn that unless we start smashing cows again soon, we could face a serious beef shortage. The beef industry is working hard to unclog the cow-smasher, but says it could take several days or even weeks to scoop all the beef that's crammed up in there. If they can't fix the cow-smasher soon, dairy farmers offer to try smashing the cows with the milking machine. Usually the milking machine just picks up cows and shakes the milk out, but they might try to reprogram it to crunch the cows, too. Until it's fixed, meat-hungry Americans can take solace in the fact that the chicken grinder is working at full capacity, just completely tearing up all those chickens, and the pig machine is porking out hardcore. Up next, bluesmen find a rising trend of their babies done leaving on that their old devil train. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_eddie_murphy_on_a_fan_letter_from_president_reagan_snl | Well here with Newsbreak's commentary is Correspondent Eddie Murphy. Eddie. thank you, Brian.
You know, I was opening up my fan mail this week and much to my surprise I found in a letter from the President of the United States. I couldn't believe it from the one serious it's no joke and I figured it would be really nice if I took the letter and read it to the studio audience and read it to the people on television and see what the President thinks about this show. it's like I haven't read it yet. here's a letter. This should be good. I was just as baffled as Y'all Okay, it starts off.
Dear Mr. Murphy, I caught the season for me of Saturday Night Live last week and I just like to say Bravo! The show is back and better than ever. I'd also like to commend you on your splendid impression of Richard Simmons. It was very funny. Richard Simmons is really a funny guy, you know, Eddie.
I've been known to tell a few ripticklers myself from time to time, and if I may say so myself, I'd have been a great stand-up comic if I hadn't become President. Here's a few of my favorite jokes that I think I'd share with you cuz you're my kind of guy. What has eight legs, run fast and screams hody-doe Hody-doe Give up for colored people trying to catch an elevator. I haha, is it killing you? here's another one for you that I'm sure will break you up. What are three things: A colored man can't get a black eye, a fat lip, and a job? Isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard? Well, I've got to go now, but I'll be writing again real soon. Sincerely yours, Ronald The Crazy Wacky Guy Reagan Well, I think I'm gonna have to write Ronald the Crazy Guy Reagan letter because I don't appreciate that. Ron somewhat of a sense of humor. I mean, that's kind of funny. Did you ever hear the one about the two Black guys?
Who? What? Mary, Thanks. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_raheem_abdul_muhammed_on_blacks_on_tv_snl | And here to tell us all about what's going on in the world of entertainment is television critic Raheem Abdul-muhammad. I don't know why you people clapping cuz I ain't happy about nothing, man. I have a question to ask. how come there ain't no black people on Tv no more? huh? every time we get a good show going, right? y'all cancel the show. great shows too, like Sammy and Company. good times. What's happening? Julia, Sanford and Sons, with great spin-offs too mind you, The Sanford Arms, Arnesta, Grady. these was good movies, man. good job, man. how could y'all cancel Grady? man, Grady, Whitman, Mayo? Whoosh! that's a gifted man. a gifted actor, man. don't tell me we got blacks on Tv either, cuz we don't. ain't no blacks on Abc or Cbs.
And they got a few blacks on Nbc. none of them is making no money, mind you, with the exception of Gary Coleman. And Gary Coleman ain't even back.
I seen him in the back one day. he's a little short Jewish man named Stu. you laugh. he's 35 years old, right? I was in the dressing room, walking the back. he seen me and tried to run away, right? but he got them little short legs. I called him up and I said, he's like, man, you white! He said, I'm like, look, keep it under the cap.
He gave me $35,000, right? But the money is spent, right? the money is spent and I want the world to know.
Gary Coleman is white, he's Jewish, and his name is Stu. you know, people, you know Nbc means, you know, I'm gonna let the cat out the back. Nbc means no Blacks are colored. that's what it means. that's why the Black people gonna start their own network, the Abn network, the All Black network, Okay? And the best part about it, it's gonna be a Ndwp, no damn White People Network.
I'm Raheem Abdul-mahamid. Back to you, Brian. Oh, thank you, man. I'm not saying it. you ain't funny and the show ain't funny. Thank you. And Eddie Murphy ain't funny either. Oh, so anyway, right here. |
ClickHole | the_deep_state_is_sending_me_fresh_ingredients_and_easy_recipes_to_turn_dinners_into_gourmet_meals | The Deep State has been sending me fresh, seasonal ingredients and no hassle, easy-to-follow recipes straight to my house, turning my dinners into gourmet meals. These are powerful people, and they are after me. For months now, some Deep State agent has been clandestinely dropping off insulated packages right on my doorstep. And when I open them up, farm fresh vegetables, beautiful cuts of meat, spice blends I've never even heard of. And somehow, they're all perfectly proportioned to take the guesswork out of cooking. Folks, this is a precision operation. Now look, I'm all thumbs in the kitchen, and somehow the Deep State has acquired that intel because they're also sending me a simple, illustrated placard that takes me step by step through the recipe.
I mean, look at this! I made this, folks! If that doesn't send a chill down your spine, you're not human. But I'm not going down without a fight. See, I've been experimenting in the kitchen using recipes and techniques they taught me to whip up my own amazing kitchen creations, and now I'm more confident in the kitchen than ever before. If they keep assuming I'll play by their rules, they're going to be sorely mistaken, my friends. Mark my words. |
Wizards_with_Guns | these_magic_items_couldn_t_possibly_help_you_on_your_quest_ | Welcome back to Hornow's Hole. If you're just now joining us, we still have a plethora of marvelous deals for any of these magical items. Starting with this witch's broom, works like any old broom. You just sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it and sweep it. Now just look at that, completely clean. Plus it gives you a magic orgasm every time you sweep. Just two installments of 440.
Now, who doesn't love solving a good puzzle? This is Squino's puzzle cube. So Squino, so I don't know who Squino is, and that's the puzzle. Once you find Squino, you have to give him the cube. I think, I'm pretty sure he opens it. Not sure what's inside. It was probably Squino, actually. So maybe the puzzle's getting him out. It's unclear.
So that's 640 or A Raven's Tooth and All the Hair from Your Head. Next we have Tome's novel. Tome was a book who gained sentience, wrote a novel about his experience. Kind of a boring read, but it's only 260, so you get your money's worth.
Now, this is a throne shard of Phthalius Kelqueneth, tourmaline empress of the Hornlands. These pieces were scattered during the Great Rending. However, a few were reclaimed in the Age of Convergence. This one in particular was stolen by brigands and then later by brigand, Gnome Lord of the Thistlewood. And I'm telling you folks, this shard is crazy powerful. It gives you Wraith Sight, True Sight, Hind Sight, lets you cast Thunder Sphere, Protection from Fire, Protection from Greed.
It doubles your swim speed. It doubles your jump speed.
So this can be yours for the low, low price of 350. And to activate it, you just push it into your P-hole. Moving on, I'm really excited about this one folks.
This is Tug's Drum. It's a magical drum. Gives you the power of Drum Sight. It allows you to locate any drum, any drum in the world, which is great if you want a better drum than this. So this can be yours if you grant me shelter on my weary travels and offer me bread or a soup.
Oh, now this is the Totem of Goofy Guys. Just a couple of silly boys. I mean, when you look at it, it makes you laugh.
I actually like this one. I think I'm gonna keep it. Yeah, this one's not for sale. This one, I'm gonna have that. Oh folks, you're gonna love this.
These are the Shrunken Remains of the Twin Wizards of the Dragomerian Tower. So this one was Oblivicus, the Shadowmancer.
He conquered the entire Northern continent, including the territories of Skeent. He also subjugated the armies of Vardis. Now his brother Rhyper the Twisted, I'm not sure what he did exactly, but he's honey barbecue and this one's teriyaki.
Both are 120 equal value. Moving on. All right, what do we have next?
Oh my God, where did, what is that? Oh, that is scary. Was that there before? That was not there before. I mean, you can have this for, I mean, you can have this. It's free if you could, oh, it's gone. It's gone now. Wow. Somehow its absence is more horrific than its presence. I'm just worried it's gonna show up again, maybe in my shower. What else? Oh, lastly, we got the Bracers of Defeat.
Now you just strap one of these on, all right? It's as easy as that.
And all bad news that comes your way suddenly sounds like good news. I've actually been waiting to try this one out because I just received some results from my proctologist. That's actually great news. I don't know why I was so worried. Such good news, I, oh man. Wow. Come to think of it, that's actually some pretty devastating news.
I, oh man. Oh my God. So this gives you the ability to cast Feather Fall at will, and when you place it on your head like so, it pretty instantly gives you a huge thigh gap. Oh my God. |
SaturdayNightLive | cab_driver_snl | Hey, thanks for the lift man. the cab line at the airport was insane. Yeah. well, Thanksgiving. That's Thanksgiving for it, pal. you know, it's pretty nuts this time of year. you ever been to Dc before? wait, are we in harmony? No, we are. I just wonder if you ever been to Dc? She's a pretty wacky place. got it.
But you know, I'm actually just gonna sit back here and drink my coffee if that's okay. Okay, no worries. Well, I'm actually gonna call you by if I take this. No, please go ahead. All right.
Hello. this is Matt Gustafson. Hi, Mr. Gustafson, this is Dr. Cassidy's office and she's got your test results. Is now a good time. some of the results aren't great. Yes, please. Oh, maybe you want to take that off a speaker. Oh, no. no, I don't mind. it's probably just routine. Hi, Mr. Gustafson just wanted to let you know about a few things here. Sure, I don't really know if I should be hearing this.
So as far as the negatives go, your cholesterol is quite high. Well, that makes sense. I'm eating a bunch of shrimp and ham right now. Side: you're positive for herpes. Well, everybody's got that in there right now. I am begging you to take it off a speaker. Lastly, you have something we're calling Hepatitis Gold. Oh Hepatitis Gold. I like the sound of that. Well, you shouldn't.
Okay. what do we just let me out on this highway? Sure. I'm sorry. I'm just talking my doctor. All right. is there anything else? Well, you had also asked me about the Ed All the empty diapers. Oh, I was talking about a Rex How dysfunction.
But if you want, we can skip ahead. Yeah, let's just get the let's get to the dipes. we can circle back.
Short answer is the diapers are empty because you're not putting them on. that's why everything is shooting straight into the pants. Do you have a pen? I feel like I should be writing this down. no, seriously, man. this is Not okay.
All right, you have low blood sugar. Well, that's a relief. What is? Well, I thought I had low blood because I heard it from a sassy southern lady. She said you got low blood sugar.
Yeah, no one who works here talks like that. Agree to disagree.
Oh my God. and going back to the wiener stuff, right? So we ran some test on your penis and it came back negative. Like it's negative in length.
Well, that explains them a lot. Or maybe I should say a little, do Not high-five Me: Are you sexually active active? No, I just got a lie there. All right, you know what? I'm just gonna put on a podcast pairing with cab drivers phone. Can I ask you about your family history? family history, I mean, Mom and Dad did it.
And then I came out five months later. Five months. That's why they call me Little Squirt.
I said no per night, what's that A holiday for cats? Not per like a cat.
She's asking you how many drinks you have in a week. Oh zero unless you're counting rum. Well, yeah, then a thousand.
Also, your vision test came back and I'm afraid to say you're legally blind. Oh like Reese Witherspoon? that is legally blind, you dummy.
Hey doctor, how hard is it to jump from a moving cab and live? That's not my area, But how fast are you going? Um, oh my God. 10 miles an hour?
You know what? That's it.
I'm out of here. I will walk to the Radisson. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_154_Ian_Moss | Good mate, cracking day here in the Diamond Town. It's a great day, everything's starting to open up again.
We've defeated coronavirus in Australia, won't see any more of that, it's all done. So long as we can keep the baggage handlers in North Sydney isolated, I think we'll be good.
I refuse to believe it even existed mate, it never made its way out here to the mighty Diamond Town, so you know, if you can't see it, it's not real. It's true, just like Chernobyl, just like the Chernobyl meltdown.
With the new opening up of the economy, we're being treated to some of the fruits of yesteryear, some of the things that we spent a year without. One of those is live music, and today's guest has been treating us to live music for I'd say a decade now, do you reckon? Yeah, one or two, one or two decades, maybe even three. Ian Moss, thank you for joining us. Hi guys. Now can you tell us, you're about to launch again, we've got a nationwide tour, borders are all open. Yeah, yeah they are, well for the moment. This is a re-take, well there's a couple of things going on, but for me it's a Matchbook 30, which was actually even this time last year when it got all put back because COVID was already Matchbook 31, so it was really Matchbook 32.
Solo acoustic for the next couple of months, mainly regional, but then I'll give the recital halls in those kind of venues a bit of a crack in June. Solo acoustic as well. How does it sound in those kind of old halls with what you're doing, I know you've played in every kind of venue over the years, and you've played with very, very loud guitars and you know, pub rock bands, but now with the acoustic stuff, how does it sound? Generally most of the time pretty amazing. Most of those rooms and the theatres, in fact the acoustic tours, I'm trying to stick to theatres as much as possible, and they're all acoustically pretty well set up to be just almost studio-like, but they've got a great liveness to them, and particularly I think some of the halls that I'm doing in June will be, they won't be so well acoustically treated and they might be, they probably could be a nightmare if I was using a band, but solo acoustic is just you, your voice and you know, my foot on a box and a nice big PA. It's pretty special.
Well the only thing better than that's around the campfire. Yeah, plugged into nothing.
So is this the first time you've ever done something like this? You know, just going out on your own with an acoustic guitar? No, not really, no the whole acoustic, I sort of leapt into that, it was the thing, whatever to do back in, I guess unplugged, or various stages of unplugged, started back in the early 90s, you know, with people as big as Nirvana or Errol Clapton doing, MTV. Yeah, doing that kind, and you know, it was kind of unplugged, one or two guys might have been unplugged, but that whole thing, sit down, as long as someone in the band had an acoustic, you're unplugged. So I jumped on that, that kind of gravy train. Back in about 2005, I've been doing solo acoustic, since 2005.
Now the thing is that a lot of people forget nowadays, because you know, we're in a world where there's the internet and some bands that, you know, might have been around in the start of all this, kind of just keep going and going and going. And now you're at the point now where you can keep going as Ian Moss. But back in the day, the band only had a short kind of lifetime, like as in terms of the timeline usually, the Beatles were only around eight years, when you really think about it, and she's all kind of disbanded at about 27.
You were about 27 at that age, were you? 73 to 83, so we managed to, for that initial hit, if you will, 10 years, 18 to 28, yeah. 28, 28. What do you do, because you're still a young man at 28, what are your immediate thoughts after that?
Utter panic at first. It was, I don't know, you know, looking back, I don't know why, I'm like, okay, but yeah, that's ended. I'll get on with the solo career. But no, the first thing, yeah, there was that shit, what am I going to do, I don't have a trade. You kind of assumed it was all over anyway. You're 28, you're old, you had bands break up, come and go, that's it, it's all done. That's how I was thinking. And it wasn't really, I mean, yeah, it would take still four years from there to become a music teacher, go through Teachers College. I mean, how long after that did it start to get the ball rolling again for you? In those couple of years, you know, I mean, it all doesn't make sense that I was sort of that worried, because even before Culturism had done the last gig, Don Walker had sided up to me and said, look, yeah, I'm going to keep writing and I really want to support you in particular. So you'll have first dibs on anything I write. So that was, you know, that was there from the from the get go. I mean, I know Barnes hit the ground running after that, you know, we're talking about the split up of Culturism in 1983, he had an album out in weeks.
It's almost like his planet, wasn't it?
Yeah, for me, I just cruised along with it and just started trying to get in bands together and trying out these songs. They were a bit hit and miss, but there ended up being a couple of beauties in there that Don was writing. I wasn't contributing too much myself, typically. But yeah, I just had that thinking, oh great, solo, I'll show these guys how it's really done now, you know, with my new direction and discovered a fair bit of work to do there in working out what that direction was and also discovering that, you know, at the end of the 10 year period, at that 10 year period of Culturism, everyone's starting to get on everyone's nerves and start to think things like, oh, I can't wait to get away from these bastards and I'll do it properly. But then suddenly they're gone, it's like, oh shit, you know, you're on your own and no support network. Yeah.
I mean, Chisel in itself, but not just Chisel, also a lot of the bands of that era were kind of, you know, almost nationwide, people had come from all over. You look at someone like INXS, you know, a couple of boys from WA, a couple of boys from North Sydney, and they kind of find each other on the pub circuit. You know, a lot of the kind of band members you first hooked up with were Adelaide, but you were Alice Springs' lad. Is that, how did you, did you go south before or you didn't, you went straight to Adelaide from, from Alice Springs?
Yeah, that was, that was terrifying enough. Yeah. The big smoke. Yeah.
The big smoke of Adelaide.
Yeah. But that's how you felt in a small town. Yeah. So what kind of a place was Alice Springs like in the, in the sixties? You know, was it basically what it is now, but less modern? I suppose so. Yeah. Did it have a casino? No, not, not, not in the sixties. Not sure when the casino arrived. That must've been, yeah, early seventies. Yeah. Look at, in the sixties, oh shit.
Cause you know, that place is about 35,000 people now. Back then it was probably still, you know, 10,000 people.
Shit. Had most, um, no TV. No? No. Didn't, they didn't have television until 1972, which, you know.
Yeah. Might've been a good thing. Radio, you know, it was all good old ABC for, Yeah. Yeah. For, for many years. Uh, and There were lots of, um, Americans out there weren't there in the sixties. Well that, yeah, that, no, that started the Pine Gap thing. Yeah, yeah. It was like, um, I don't know, you hear that term in movies, shake and bake colonies or whatever.
Cause that, that was a, we went home the second year high school, which is whatever that is, the equivalent year, eight, nine or whatever. In the, in the Eastern States. Um, went home on, this is my memory of it, school holidays and then, uh, came back to school and for third year high school and half the class is American.
Just looking for gold. I suppose I've, I've heard about this happening town in the heart of Australia called Alice Springs. Over there and start a new life all the way from California.
Big lesbian community out there now actually cause of that festival they had, they all had a festival. It was a bit like Nimbin, you know, that hippie festival. Everyone stayed in Nimbin. There was some sort of women's kind of thing that happened out there probably just after you left.
In? Alice. Oh, there you go. Of what?
Lesbians. Lesbians per capita.
Never heard that one. Now, uh, was it the ABC radio that you got your music from or were you in the church as a kid? Uh, no, definitely not in the church. No.
Not with my old man's, uh, atheism and very pronounced anti-Catholic. No, no, the older brother and sisters kind of might've gone to Sunday school, you know, got picked up on the back of the truck with the sideways long seats. But, uh, I was a bit disappointed at the time. I never got to experience probably not going to Sunday school, but actually being able to get up on this, on this truck and go for a ride.
Um, so no, uh, it's just ABC radio, which, which, uh, really played well, the, the main thing you seem to hear, there was like a request show called hospital half hour or hospital hour, whatever it was. And that was on every morning. Um, I don't know where the, where the patients were, whether it was a hospital or just whatever people wrote in.
And you pretty much typically got that same repeat of songs, but it was either strongly, particularly country. So Hank, Hank Williams or, um, songs like, uh, little boy lost it with my daddy, with my daddy, stuff like that. Or they say, don't go on board in mountain chucking some slim dusty that side of the cupboard. But the other side of that was, um, it was always a lot of R and B sort of as in Ray Charles and Sam cook. So you're getting a good dose of soul music. So those, those two genres kind of combo really for, for what you ended up doing down there in Adelaide.
Yeah. True. Yeah.
How did you, what was it? Was that a, you bought your ticket on the bus and is that, is that how it went down? Was it one of those kind of stories?
Um, it was great, you know, kicking, kicking and screaming, uh, had an older, older brother and sister that, uh, my mother had insisted they cause in Alice, in fact, another thing that happened in 1972, that was the first year you had a year six or what they call matriculation that you could actually complete. You had to actually up to that point to finish high school, you had, you had to go somewhere, head south. Um, so my older brother had been pointed off to Brisbane grammar at, uh, after one year of high school, my sister had gone to Adelaide and she was, she was four years older than me and she was into the arts and she, I think she was destined to go to teacher's college, but she was, I was, she was scared of leaving town, leaving all my mates that I've known since it was that high.
Um, but she was the one who said, no, you're good. Yeah. Obviously there's a certain amount of drive from me, but she's the one who said, you got to get out of there and come down to Adelaide.
It's a great music scene. There's British migrants sort of arriving here and there's great, a really advanced music scene.
Um, 10 pound bombs.
Where'd you land? Elizabeth?
Uh, not quite. No, no, not with the stories. Not Snowtown. No, no, Snowtown might've been safer.
Judging by the, yeah, it was a bit of a rough joint, Elizabeth with the British migrants coming from, yeah. And then you kind of, kind of did all that. And then as, as we were, as we were speaking about before, you found yourself solo 10 years on the road with those guys, you found yourself solo.
What did, what would you at that point in your career describe your sound as? I don't know, blues rock guitar player trying to be a white soul singer. Blue white soul.
Yeah. Kind of.
What was the scene like in Adelaide when you were coming up? I mean, it's been one of the great, um, great incubators of Australian music really down there in Adelaide. I mean, from the early, the early days of obviously coming out of the pub rock scene, then what it is now, it's kind of the beating heart of the Australian hip hop industry down there in Adelaide. What is it about Adelaide that makes it, you know, so good for music to grow?
Yeah, I don't know. I still, I still wonder what the Adelaide music scene might've been like without that influx of, you know, that instant, you know, shake and bake suburb of Elizabeth and all the, uh, all the pommies that brought in music, whether it be, you know, John Swan and Barnes or Glenn Shorrock and probably a whole host of others. But I don't know, it just, just had a strong propensity for the arts. Maybe even, uh, premiers like Dunstan, you know, Don Dunstan, allowing and pushing and encouraging that side of things to flourish. Yeah. There's all sorts of reasons perhaps.
Now you've been touring a lot, even, even, um, since the band you've been touring. How many years has this been? Like you didn't take any big sabbaticals, did you? No, not really. No, just going back to when the cultures were first split up in 83, I seem to go for a little bit of a freak out there for a while, but it's probably back into it for a year, after a year. No, uh, no, never really stopped. And then, you know, then the cultures kept deciding it would get back together and do something and then have a big fight and split up again.
So what was that conversation like, I guess, what, you came back together in 96, 97. Yeah. Who was the one who picked up the phone and was like, let's try and get something going again? I'm not really sure if, uh, instigated one person. All I can recall is it might've been as early as 88. Yeah. That members just, uh, you know, didn't talk a lot to Jim privately. Yeah. But it must've been talking to him about something and he said, he ended off this phone call with something like, anytime you want to get the band back together, I'm keen as hell. And it's kind of like almost on us. I sort of realized what he said after we hung up. And I was just quite, quite shocked, blown away because, uh, if anyone seemed dead keen to get away from the whole thing more than the rest of us, when we did split up in 83, I thought it was Jim. So, uh, that's, yeah, that's all I can say about that. Who instigated a get together? I don't know. Maybe, maybe the current management, Rod Willis, maybe, maybe everyone was just slowly dropping hints like that, like Jim did. And somebody said, well, let's do it.
Yeah. Plus, you know, the band, the band's popularity kept, kept going, kept climbing. Yeah.
That was the other thing at the end of 83, I thought it would be just like any other band two years later, you sort of completely forgotten about, but radio kept playing the songs and, and kept playing the songs. We kept releasing best of's and fucking. Well, I suppose there was no one really who was going to come in and, to fill the void in the music scene that Chisel left really when they broke up. I mean, like, it wasn't like there was another band that was ready to slip in there. I mean, it's pretty unique sound that Chisel had that a lot of other bands might've tried to emulate at some point, but didn't really succeed.
And such a war following too. Yeah. Well, and blossom, you know, just, well, some songs built to last. Yeah. Which is something Dom Walker was.
There's still, there's still, there's still kids coming out to Chisel songs, like the undercard boxing matches and stuff, you know, 20 year old band and weights. They can't, they can't go past Chisel is the entry song.
Oh really? Yeah. And also all the 21st and the weddings and everything. They are built to last, you're right in that regard. Yeah. The interesting thing I thought is, you know, most people go home to their hometown at Christmas and they get to see all their annoying mates. Yeah. But you guys, the tide rose.
So not only is it, you know, reunions and catch ups and birthdays, but it's also industry events. All these blokes you've known since you were a kid. You all still get on? As in the Chisel age?
Yeah, the whole crew. Oh, okay. Yeah. Look, I don't know what everyone just maintains. No, you know, we're doing fine. Probably better now than, than ever. Yeah. Everyone's settled down. We've gone through that thing where everyone's going. You're not living on top of each other anymore. No, that might change things. Yeah. And everyone's suppose it's a bit easier when you're not living hand to mouth anymore, I guess. Yeah. Hangover to hangover. Yeah.
You know, you know, you haven't got the bank that's breathing down your neck every five minutes asking you where the fucking mortgage payments are, you know.
Makes it a bit easier. That definitely makes it a bit easier.
All I can say is that these, these reunions, when we do get together, there's, there's an excitement there. I can understand this. And you know, that other time is not the only other time Jim's expressed that sentiment of how much he still loves it. It wouldn't be more than happy if it was an ongoing thing. I was like, you say this, but if it actually happened, I don't know. But that's, that's the main thing. We get, we do these tours and when they come back together, there's a great bunch of songs that are waiting to be played for a start. You never get sick of playing them. So that, that helps. But we get into a room, there's, there's, there's a real useful, palpable excitement.
Do you guys pass the guitar around? Around the dinner table?
Oh, you're just about sick of doing that. Yeah, no, that might, yeah, probably give that one a miss.
Now you're doing a lot in Western Queensland over the next year. You've got the Big Red Bash. Yeah. In Birdsville, you've been out to Birdsville before? I did, I've done the Big Red Bash once before.
Yeah, right. Back in about 2016. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a pretty special place. Yeah. It is. It's just down the road from Baturda. And it's, well, it's going to be great this year too, because obviously a lot, a lot was postponed over 2020. Yep. Yeah.
And everyone, everyone, everyone's got that on their bucket list, I guess. Pretty much, particularly people in rural areas, they just want to get out there. Big Red Bash, they want to see the Brophy tent. They want to see, and the bands that come out and play. You've also got Paul Kelly and Friends and Durin Bandy.
We thought we'd plug this one. Danny Sheehan, the organiser out there. He's been talking to us. We might be heading out there too, actually, to see this.
Yeah. How do you like going in these towns that are a bit smaller than Adelaide, would you believe? Yeah, right, right, right. I love it. I'd be happy just doing small towns all the time. That's part of the thing I'm doing. I'm doing this Matchbook 32, 3. Tour is, it's regional. It's just a thing.
Just coming from Alice Springs, I still miss the place. I still miss country towns. And still, after all, I've spent more than two-thirds of my life in Sydney. And lovingly out of all the cities. But there's still a part of me that goes, I'm a country lad. I belong in a country town.
So I get a fix of that whenever I do go out and do play in these places. And I actually feel, it translates into feeling a lot more relaxed and possibly even being a better player and a better performer. Especially a gig like this with just you and the guitar in the country town. Recital Hall.
Looking at some of the spots you're visiting here. I mean, Byron Bay. I mean, you've got Byron Bay, Melbourne and Brisbane and Sydney. All the rest are in the next biggest town after that's Wagga. And then it's down to, you know, obviously as we said before, Deere and Bandy, Lismore, Broome. Down to the Mallee there in Mildura. Yeah. A fine part of the world that is.
Everyone always laughs when I say that, hey?
The Batura of Victoria, Mildura. What's this one? Probably down there. Where?
Peculban.
It's in the Hunna. March 27, Sunset Sounds. Ian Moss will be in Peculban in the Hunna.
Yep, you've got a whole swagger date scene coming up. Oh, Bluefest. Yep.
April 1. April 7 there. This is in Swan Hill and this is kind of, this is the Matchbook 30. Yeah, April 4, 8.45pm, folks.
That's Byron Bay Blues Festival. Yep. That's with a band. That's my five piece band.
Musicians Club. I don't mind that joint either.
But, yeah, you've got a lot on and you've got at least two gigs in driving distance, within driving distance of us in Batutas, so we're very excited. We've got Big Red Bash on July 6 and of course we've got Paul Kelly and Friends and Dear and Bandy on July 11. Thank you for joining us, Ian. We're looking forward to this.
I'm not sure what the venue is in Dear and Bandy. It might be an old recital hall just yet. Yeah, well hopefully it'll be the same as it was last year, which might have been a couple of ex-hearing sheds or something as the backdrop, but it was an outdoor thing. A bit nice and cool at that time of year, but yeah, enough lights on you and movement.
I guess we'll catch you there for a glass of white wine then. Glass of white wine. Chris White with ice.
Casey Chambers will be coming out there and of course Paul Kelly will as well. He's got family in town, so yeah, look forward to it.
Thanks very much, guys. Thanks, Ian. |
dropout | spank_bank | Hi.
Welcome to Second City's Bank Bank, the world's number one mental depository. How can I help you? Oh, I just want to make some deposits.
Of course. Now, for security reasons, could I have the name and titty size of your first deposit with us? Sure. Jennifer Harrison? Uh, like huge ass titties. I think October 98 or something.
Oh, that's fine. I don't need the year. Oh. Alright. There you go.
My my, that is a lot of deposits. Spring break. Any spring break accounts this year? I think it's gas prices.
Yeah. That makes sense. Okay then. Hi.
I'd like to open an account. Oh, fantastic. May I tell you about our student package? It's a combined teacher crush account for any attractive teachers you might have and any girls you like like. You're free to make withdrawals simultaneously and we never charge for additional deposits that you start in new grades or meet new girls. Does that interest you?
Good afternoon, sir. Jen. Amanda. Blonde, who said I was funny? Sir?
I can't get in there. It's not mine.
Rex. Alright everyone, deposits in the bag. That's right. I'll remember you. Not bad. Right now.
Put that slack through the bag. Put it in the bag. Bring them out.
Oh god. Who's that? They call him alcohol. |
SaturdayNightLive | medieval_barber_theodoric_of_york_snl | In the Middle Ages, medicine was still in its infancy. the art of healing was conducted not by physicians, but by barbers. the medieval barbers were the forerunners of today's Men of Medicine, and many of the techniques they developed are still practiced today. This is the story of one such barber.
Hello, Theodoric of York. It's springtime, and I'm here for my annual haircut and bloodletting. Well, welcome, son of Miller, William. Well, it's time to see you now. have a seat. Broom Gilda. you start on his hair and I'll open up one of his veins. Yes, Theodoric. Well, how's that little baby I delivered last Christmas when your wife died? Ah, the little fellow is deformed. Oh, that's right. I remember now. this may hurt. Ah! And now it's time for another episode of Theodoric of York. Medieval Barber. There you go. Well, looks like I have another patient. I'll be back in a minute to see how you're doing. right. thank you. Just a trim, Broom Gilda. Hello, Theodoric Barber of York.
Hello, Joan, wife of Simkin the Miller. Well, how's my little patient doing? Not so well, I fear. we followed all your instructions. I mixed powder of staghorn gum of Arabic with boiled sheep's urine and applied it in a poultice to her face. And did you bury her up to her neck in the marsh and leave her overnight?
Oh, yes. but she still feels as listless as ever, if not more.
Well, let's give her another bloodletting. Broom Gilda. Yes, Theodoric. take two pints. Yes, Theodoric. will she be all right, Barber? Well, I'll do everything humanly possible.
But unfortunately, we barbers are not gods. you know, medicine is not an exact science. but we're learning all the time. Why, just 50 years ago, we would have thought your daughter's illness was brought on by demonic possession or witchcraft. But nowadays, we know that Isabel is suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach.
Well, I'm glad to see she's in such good hands. Well, thank you.
Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. the Odd Barber of York. say, don't I know you? Yeah, you worked on my back. What seems to be the matter with your friend here?
I broke his legs. I was at the festival of the Verlal Equilox, and I guess I had a little bit too much meat, and I darted out in front of an ox cart, and it all happened so fast that poor little fellas couldn't stop in time.
Well, you'll feel a lot better after a good bleeding. good bleeding already. say, who's the barber here? Okay, okay. just do something with my legs, could you please? okay, well, look. no! Ah! we'll get him up on the gibbet over here. this might hurt a little bit, hopefully. yeah, I think it is. I think it's hurting. a little pain never hurt anyone. See? he's come up there. Okay. what we're doing is separating the bones a little bit, and if you don't feel better tomorrow, we'll just cut them off here. I'm pretty sure I'll be feeling better tomorrow. Okay. this will teach you to go easy on the mead. Bruhn Gilda put a few leeches on his forehead.
Okay. thank you, Bruhn Gilda. you're so kind. how are we doing? Ah, I feel faint, but. well, when was the last time you came in for a worming? I guess I'm due, but I don't have time today. Please. accept my payment. this fine Fat Goose. Oh, well, thank you. Bruhn Gilda will give you your change. Thank you, Theodoric.
Well, how's the little patient doing? she's worse. she's looking pale. Hmm. well, if she's not responding to treatment, we'll have to run some more tests.
Bruhn Gilda, bring the coladrious bird. Coladrious bird? Yes, the coladrious bird is a test. we put it next to the patient, and if it looks at the patient's face, then she will die. if she looks at her feet, then the patient will live.
So, a little test. Hey! can you interpret these signs? No. seems to be looking up and down there. Well, okay, just take both. Well, I'm not sure how to read that. just take two pints from her.
Yes, Theodoric. take two pints from that bird, too. she's dead. Dead!
I can't believe my little. Now, Mrs. Miller, you're distraught. you're tired. you may be suffering from nervous exhaustion. maybe we'll just take some of your blood, too. we'll just. you're Charlotte and you killed my children just like you killed the rest of my family. Why don't you admit it, you. wait a minute. perhaps she's right.
Perhaps I've been wrong to blindly follow the medical traditions and superstitions of the past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test those assumptions analytically through experimentation and a scientific method. perhaps this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning. the natural sciences, art, architecture, navigation. Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age. an age of rebirth. a Renaissance.
Nah. we'll end next week for another episode of the Enoric of York. the Evil Barber. Who will be here, the Enoric saved. Well, I think a little more bloodletting and some Boars vomit. he'll be just fine. |
SaturdayNightLive | jasper_hahn_terrorism_saturday_night_live | As our military involvement in Afghanistan grows, parents are having a difficult time explaining the situation to their children. Here to help the children's cartoonists, Jasper Han. Oh, man, Hello Jimmy. I'm here tonight to explain America's war on terrorism.
Far far away out in the land of the Middle East. There's a man. He's a mean man and he looks like that. He lives in a cave, but it's hard to find him because there's a lot of bushes around the cave.
Hey, come on, come on. Shame on you. shame on you. come on. hurry up with the no, Jimmy. Shame on you for interrupting me. if you let me finish, you'd see that it's none other than Oh Sam up in Latin there. and there's his turban to keep his hair all night serious. Oh Sam up in London, supports a lot of bad stuff, but there's someone out there who's trying to stop him. He won't sit down for any foolishness. No, and with the help of the army, I'm sure he's gonna stick it to the bad guys. Airplanes are going in and out, in and out, dropping bombs and every nook and cranny they can find. Knock it off. I come on Jimmy. Hey, God, if you'd stop interrupting me, you'd see the man I'm talking about is none other than George W. Bush, the President of the United States. There's his hair there, his ears, all right. Okay, come on, don't worry why. I'm getting a little nervous. Yeah, don't worry about nothing, Jimmy, Don't worry gang, as we're going to win this war and in the end, what's really important is we go back to our normal lives and do the things we love to do there.
Yeah, what is that? something I really love to do? Wait, what I want to do more than anything you know is draw cartoons for our little at-home buddies. Hey, look at there. it's a self-portrait and that's my hair up there. |
cracked | why_every_alien_even_e_t_wants_to_eat_humans | Hey, did you hear?
NASA found a whole bunch of new planets, just a big mess of them hanging out there. Like it wasn't a big deal, like we wouldn't find out. A bunch of big sweaty space rocks, probably teeming with alien life. You'd have to be an alien to be excited about that. I'm not an alien. And the thing I read doesn't even mention aliens, just the planets, but even if they did, why would that be a bad thing? Finding extraterrestrial life has been the primary unspoken goal of the space program since its inception.
God damn eggheads, how come those reckless, stargazing fools at NASA never bothered to include how delicious we are in any of their equations? Because they don't know how delicious we are? Do you know how delicious we are? Earthlings are the tastiest morsels in the stellar verse.
We all know this. Instinctively.
Why do you think every movie we've ever made about aliens is about how much they want to eat us? Come on. Not all movie aliens want to eat us. I mean, sure, I'll give you The Predator and The Thing and The Body Snatchers, but E.T., that cute little fuck. He doesn't want to eat us.
He forms a psychic bond with Elliot. He heals Elliot's finger. Why would he do that if he wanted to eat him? Because the psychic link is how E.T.s enslave their prey. Elliot gets inconsolably upset over every negative feeling that E.T. experiences, to the point where they become Elliot's primary concern. He does get Elliot psychically drunk at school, and then turns him into an ecoterrorist and burgeoning sex offender. E.T. never has Elliot's best interests in mind. He keeps setting him into danger every time he gets a wild hair up his whatever E.T.'s have instead of butts.
See, I like to think that they shit out of their eyes. Or, uh, the nipples. Does E.T. have nipples? I'm sure there's a deleted scene or a featurette about E.T.'s nipples and shit.
Anyway, if E.T.'s people hadn't come back to pick him up, Elliot would have become a complete slave to fulfilling all of his needs, including feeding him. And since we know E.T. can repair damaged flesh with his star magic, that means taking big meaty bites out of Elliot and then wishing him back together again in an endless circle for all of eternity. But, but he goes to the whole movie not trying to eat Elliot.
Why would he suddenly start? I don't know. Maybe he didn't know he was able to.
E.T. was a stupid alien. His people don't make any immediate effort to swing back around and pick him up, probably because they assumed he was already lying face down at a creek like a dried up cat turd. Because he was too dumb to eat the child beef he needed to stay alive.
Okay, fine.
I'll give you E.T. But what about Flight of the Navigator? A fun-loving, pee-wee sounding alien takes a kid on a fun joyride in a space ship to an alternate future where his family has aged eight years combing the forest for his dead body. And sure, the alien takes a kid back to the moment in time when he was abducted, but that alternate future still exists, and now it's full of sweet, disposable human meat. So your argument is that the Flight of the Navigator aliens are abducting people to create an alternate timeline, then returning those people to their original timeline just so they, the aliens, can eat people in the alternate timeline. Yep. That's why everyone in Flight of the Navigator is inexplicably afraid of blimps and water towers. It's because they're having memory echoes of a fractured timeline in which they were abducted by aliens.
What about batteries not included? A bunch of space robots turn a skid row tenement into a food stock nest for their biomechanical offspring? What about it? No, the robots help the old people with their restaurant. They fix it. It's about as benevolent a gesture as a DMV computer renewing Billy Joel's driver's license.
See, the aliens need metal and electricity to create their young, which they find in abundance in this tenement building. So they turn it into a nest and keep all their enters pacified. It's kind of like when wasps stuff their hives full of live spiders. Those little go-bots are absolutely going to eat Jessica Tandy when the time is right.
I feel like there's a definite flaw in the way you're interpreting this film, but I don't care enough to dispute you. What about cocoon? Those aliens take an entire retirement community of old people to live in space with them forever with the help of an improbably muscular Steve Gutenberg. The undeniable force of Gutenberg's power was on full display in that film. But no! The aliens in cocoon are energy vampires. See, Brian Denny, he sets up shop mix to a nursing home so he can channel the life force of all those dwindling souls into his swimming pool to recharge his buddies without raising too much suspicion, because nobody bats an eye stock when old people die in a rest home. Then Woofer Brimley and his friends screw the whole thing up, and then his pals die. Why would he reward them for that? No, he's bringing those old folks to space with him so he has some husks to drain on the ride back.
What about Starman? He's definitely a good guy, right? Starman comes down to Earth disguised as Karen Allen's dead husband. I mean, he's already a shithead for preying on human grief, just like that fucking monster at the end of Contact. Plus, Starman becomes obsessed with eating.
It's the very last thing he lists in the list of things he's going to miss about Earth, and earlier in the film, he specifically asks if people eat people. Do people eat people?
Let her go.
He's eventually going to come back to Earth with all of his people for the great feast. It's an evil movie. I think you're just scared of aliens. The abyss is about aliens scaring the planet and disarming its nuclear weapons so they can storm out the ocean and eat us. Arrival. The aliens are teaching us their language to unite the planets so that we're still around as a food source in 3,000 years to save them from an extinction-level famine. I mean, they're giant squids. Of course they're going to eat us. They're just going to do it, like, way in the future. Close encounters. The aliens are kidnapping breed humans for an intergalactic earthling ranch. They have to rotate their stock every now and then so the meat doesn't get all inbred and diseased. They're only bringing Richard Dreyfuss into space so he can f***, and they're only letting him f*** so they can eat his babies. You realize that no part of anything that you've said is implied in any of these movies. I know. It's chilling. No. I mean, this whole aliens are going to eat us thing.
That's all in your head. I mean, look at you. Your skin's all tight and your muscles are all stringy. How much time are you spending thinking about this obsessing over it? Are you sleeping?
No. No, not really. No, you don't look like it. You don't look like you're eating either.
You're scared. I made you a sandwich. Oh. Thanks. Eat it. Maybe take a walk or something. Burn off all that sour adrenaline. You know what they say, too much fear spoils the meat, spoils the soul, spoils the human soul.
Is this butter? Is it? I can't, uh... I think it's butter. I can't hear what you're saying. Take a few more bites. No. Yeah? I think it's still butter.
One of the links on the right. And if you want to get notifications from YouTube every time you have a new video, click the little bell icon and they will send you a notification every time you put up a new one. |
CrackerMilk | when_your_landlord_makes_a_surprise_visit | Tamara!
What?
I just got a text. We have a surprise house inspection today. Shit. Um, okay, well I need to clean up.
What we need to do is find a place to hide my hamsters. We'll get kicked out if he sees them. Yeah, okay, um, let's look for somewhere to hide them, okay?
Like my arse. What? We could put them in my arse and no one would know. I am not helping with that, okay? Hey, these hamsters have been by my side, through thick and thin. My mum's triple bypass, my dad's triple bypass, my triple bypass. And in this moment, for them to be okay, they need to go up my arse. We haven't even tried to look, so maybe there's... Don't worry about it.
Just want to let you know this was sponsored by the Cracka Milk Patreon and thank you to all of the people that support us there. We want to let you know we work so hard to bring you the highest production quality we can. And our current goal is an extra video for you every week. So if enough people sign up, that's what you get, baby. Kisses! |
dropout | the_fall_of_dyna_woman_with_rainn_wilson | I wouldn't call Dinah a great female superhero. I'd call her THE greatest superhero in history. Day after day, she put her life on the line for freedom, justice. But then something went wrong. Dinah Woman is a goddess. Literally. She's put in 60, 70 years of service in this country. I mean, she basically ended World War II. Although history books won't tell you that, because she's a woman.
Ah, let me think, last time I got arrested, I really can't remember. I was flying pretty high at the time, and I'm not talking about my invisible airplane.
Hey, sweetheart. What's your name? David.
She always enjoyed having a drink or two. You know, the guise of the Council of Heroes can be really stiff, but Dinah just lit up the room. And then she took it too far.
I'm tired of pretending like I'm all of you little people, okay? I'm an Amazon. I'm special. I've got Amazon DNA.
The Council of Heroes doesn't want me in their jerk-off club. Too bad. They don't deserve me.
Okay, so I dropped a busload of kids from 2,000 feet, but I wasn't drunk. You don't believe me? I'll try the lasso of truth. Dinah Woman, were you drunk? No, I was not.
There. You happy? Fuck. Am I on a drug right now? Yes, I am. It's called Dinah Woman, and it rocks. Yeah! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Hey, uh, I just wanted to tell you I thought it was really awesome when you used your lasso to type the decapitator guy. You like my lasso, huh? You want to see my lasso?
It's in room 213. Uh, I guess. I will suck your fucking dick. Come on, where are you going? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you stay away. He came onto me. Come on. Okay, he can't, don't touch me, get your arms off me. Every year you'll just get your drunk ass out the door. Don't touch me! I'm an Amazon! I won't cut you! No! We're leaving. Oh, Jesus.
When in 1987, she was trapped in suspended animation for months. People thought she was dead. She came back and showed the world.
On a more personal note, that's when I remember becoming aware of Dinah Woman. I was old enough to get a pretty major crush on her and still think she's held up for a 2,000-year-old woman. Well, I think Dinah's recovery has been remarkable. When Miles first contacted me, told me about her history, I was thrilled to help Superhero get clean. I was. She did have some trouble with the withdrawals, as evidenced by the condition of our rehabilitation center. Now she's been going to meetings, and she's found a new way to save lives. I just want to say that Dinah's my sponsor, and she's helped keep me sober for the last three months.
My sponsor could kick your sponsor's ass! So there's this old joke that used to go around about me, the one about Superman, and he's flying over buildings, and he sees me lying naked on the rooftop, and he thinks to himself, what the hell? I mean, I could use my super speed and fly down there and give it to her real good before she even knew what hit her. And so he does, wham-bam, and then he flies away.
And I notice something, so I'm like, what was that? And the Invisible Man says, I don't know, but my ass hurts like hell. I just want you to know that. That story is bullsh**, okay? I never hooked up with the Invisible Man. You are so cool. |
SaturdayNightLive | zoe_kravitz_monologue_snl | In the movie, I play Catwoman. sorry, the Catwoman. To prepare for the role, I watched the movie Musical Cats every day for a year. which I actually heard was the same way Joaquin Phoenix prepared to play the Joker. So now you're talking about cats? I was just doing my monologue. you're also Catwoman? Yes! I'm Catwoman from the 90s. the one with the whip. you know, like cats have. So you're part of a proud lineage of Catwoman. each with their own origin story.
Do you want to know mine? Yeah, yeah. what's yours?
Hey, I fell out of a window onto a pile of cats. they licked me back to life and now I dress like Sandy from a porno version of Grease. Grease! Cool. Well, thank you. it's great to have some fellow catwoman support. I should probably get back to the.
No, hang on. we have to fire up the Cat signal. I'm sorry, Cat Signal? yeah. for any time you need a catwoman. Behold! it's a noble cat ready to pounce off a ledge. or it's doing its business in the litter box. Oh, I saw the signal as someone in danger.
Oh, yeah. indubitably. I was the first black Catwoman. right, yes. earthic hit from the 1960s Tv version. yep, people called it campy. turned out it was just super gay. And hey, be glad your outfit isn't latex, because this is how I sneak up on bad guys. Ready? Wow. You know, it actually does feel really nice having all this catwoman energy up here. But I should really get back to the monologue.
So can we turn this cat signal off before. before me? Hell no. Catwoman. Yeah, yeah. more of a cat lady, I guess. Yes, this is my husband. Sorry, Cat.
And we're here to meet Rosalia. do you take me to her, or how does that work? I don't think I can do that right now. I have to post the show.
Oh, yeah. sure, I get it. You know, I've hosted this show dozens of times. What in my mind, where it's called Saturday Night Cat? not Caturday Night Live? dang it. Okay, wow. I was really not expecting to meet so many cat people. and not that I don't love it, but maybe that's enough. even if the next one is Doja Cat.
Oh, my God, is she here? no, But aren't you able to get to meet? I am able to meet.
Seriously, is there an off button somewhere?
No, but the cat signal brought us all together. And right now, the world needs as many catwomen. and Williamses. as it can get. Now let's go fight some crime. Yeah!
Okay, it looks like that's done. So I can finally say what I've been trying to say. we've got a great show for you tonight. Rosalia is here. |
SaturdayNightLive | scattering_remains_snl | I can't believe he's really gone. he isn't gone, son.
Pop Pop will always live on inside of all of us. that's beautiful. Well said, sir. Well, sweetie, are you ready to say goodbye? yeah. But first, I want to share something with you guys. you know, this spot was where Pop Pop would take me after my ball games. believe it or not, I wasn't much of an athlete. Okay, okay. ha ha. But Pop Pop, he'd take me here. he'd point out to the sea and say, son, life is like the tide, there's highs and lows, but eventually it all washes away. gonna miss you, Dad? Wow, that was a beautiful story, Mr. Klein. thank you for sharing.
And thank all of you for allowing us at Boudreaux's Mortuary to be a part of this moment with you. Now, if you're ready, please bow your heads as we scatter the remains. Ready? These moments are always so hard. we'll give you folks some space. what the hell did you just do?
We said goodbye to Pop Pop. he was supposed to be cremated. Hmm. Who was? my father, he was supposed to be cremated, not chunked off a cliff. Mm. mm. mm-hmm.
Okay. well, that was not relayed to us. Yeah. But, in a way, wasn't this kind of better? Oh, speak on that. Well, you got the body aspect of a burial, but we still got to throw him.
Yeah. yeah, I like that. mm-hmm. well. ba-ba-da-da-da! time for the dreaded check, Damucher! who's the boss around here, huh? You, I assume? ha-ha-ha-ha! uh, uh, just kidding, sport. maybe some. Do Not Touch me, man! absolutely. Sir, whenever you're ready, we're not gonna pay for this. Mm. mm. mm. may I ask why?
But you threw my father-in-law off a cliff.
Okay. see, I thought we resolved that. No, we did not! honey, calm down. you're conditioned. Okay, you know what? I feel like you guys are mad.
So how about I just go get him? Ah! so what you guys got cooking up this weekend?
I really don't want to talk about that. hey, why did you bring an urn? Oh, this? this isn't an urn. it's soup. you keep soup and an urn? No, no, it's a thermos. it looks like an urn. I got it at a mortician's conference. Hey, good job, man! what are you guys talking about? they're just asking about the urn. Oh, the thermos? pretty good. pretty cool, right? No, it isn't. it's not cool. Jesus, just get the body back. don't worry. So I got Pop-pop right here. that isn't pop-pop! that's clearly a young cyclist. he's wearing those little shoes. mm. mm-hmm. mm-hmm. okay. and that's a deal-breaker for you guys?
Yes! All right, I'll just put him back. So, uh, hey. you think I can get some of that soup? Oh, hell yeah!
Heads up, it's Shrep Bisk. Ah! you know, this spot was where Pop-pop would take me after my ballgames. believe it or not, I wasn't much of an athlete. Okay, okay, ha-ha. But Pop-pop, he'd take me here, he'd point out to the sea and say, son, life is like the tide. there's highs and lows, but eventually it all washes away. gonna miss you, dad?
Wow, that was. it's a beautiful story, Mr. Klein. thank you for sharing. And thank all of you for allowing us at Boudreaux's Mortuary to be a part of this moment with you.
Now, if you're ready, please bow your heads as we scatter the remains. Ah! ready? these moments are always so hard. we'll give you folks some space. what the hell did you just do? We said goodbye to Pop-pop. he was supposed to be cremated!
Hmm. Who was? my father? he was supposed to be cremated, not chucked off a cliff. Mm. mm. mm-hmm. okay. mm. so that was not relayed to us. Yeah. But, in a way, wasn't this kind of better? Oh, speak on that. Well, you got the body aspect of a burial, but we still got to throw him. Yeah. yeah, I like that. Mm-hmm. Well.
I'm for the dreaded chick, Damuser! Who's the boss around here, huh? you, I assume? ha-ha-ha-ha! uh, uh, just kidding, Sport. Do Not touch me, man! absolutely. Sir, whenever you're ready. we're not gonna pay for this! Mm. mm. mm. may I ask? why? But you threw my father-in-law the cliff!
Okay. see, I thought we resolved that. No, we did not! Honey, calm down. you're conditioned. Okay, you know what? I feel like you guys are mad.
So how about I just go get him? Ahh! so what you guys got cooking up this weekend?
I really don't want to talk about that.
Hey, why did you bring an urn? Oh, this? this isn't an urn. it's soup. you keep soup and an urn? No, no, it's a thermos. it looks like an urn.
I got it at a mortician's conference. Kevin, I got him! All right, good job, man! what are you guys talking about? they're just asking about the urn. Oh, the thermos? pretty good. pretty cool, right? no, it isn't. it's not cool. Jesus, just get the body back. don't worry, sir.
I got pop-pop right here. that isn't pop-pop! that's clearly a young cyclist. he's wearing those little shoes. mm. mm-hmm. mm. okay. and that's a deal-breaker for you guys? Yes! All right, I'll just put them back. So, uh, hey. you think I can get some of that soup? Oh, hell yeah. heads up, it's Shrep Bisk. |
dropout | poop_in_front_of_an_audience_for_7500 | ["I'm Not Gonna Give You Up"] Grant hates performance art. So he's gonna have to perform an out there performance art piece in a gallery. And you during this performance have to take a live shit.
Wait, hang on, is this gonna be cut and surrounded? I figured this is only human. He's really upset. He's low-key questioning whether your friendship can keep going. Yeah, I can tell. You know, there was once a man who was being chased by a tiger off a cliff, but he saw a vine right there and he grasped it to huge shit all over the tiger under him. And I think that's really beautiful.
Okay, everyone, thanks so much for coming out. I'm glad you guys got to check out some of the art around, but without further ado, Grant O'Brien. Give it up for Grant O'Brien. Whoo! The artist is present. Whenever you're ready.
I'm gonna kiss him. I feel like I wanna give him a pep talk, but I also don't wanna talk to him right now.
Yeah. Yeah, cause shooting in public is not that exciting. No.
It's so quiet. We're gonna hear the moment he shits. I'm sure everyone is gonna be able to hear it. It's so quiet in here. We'll hear a thud or we'll hear a fart. Oh no, a crinkle from the bag that's in the toilet.
He did it.
Congrats. Grant. Allie, I think I'm done. Rick, could I get some gloves or something? Cool. Thank you everyone for coming out. Grab some cheese on your way out if you want to eat. Is there a bathroom? So happy you did it, man. That's great. Yeah, it's up that way.
He's really mad. He was, yeah, actually mad.
I mean, give him a second, but do you think you gotta talk to him? Yeah, I'm gonna say sorry. Hey, Grant.
Dude, it was, they were actually, you're gonna laugh, they were all extras. They weren't rude people. They were hired extras. So they're not even like.
Allie. It was in a real gallery. No shit. So. I am done for the day, okay? Okay, yeah. You don't think of a speech or anything that wasn't just a joke. It was funny. Bye. Am I good? Yeah. All right. It's game on. Yep. He's like super upset. Hey, what's up, it's Allie. Do you like that clip? Me too.
Just so you know, there's a full 22 minute long episode up right now on Dropout. So go to dropout.tv and start your free trial of the day to see Allie do this. You have to get a neck tattoo of your new girlfriend's name. Fuck that, what? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_17_4_20 | Always good mate, always good to talk to you, always good to talk to young Wendell. How are you Wendell? Wendell the news reader? I'm very well thank you another week knocked over and you're certainly right there Errol it's always a pleasure. How are you Clancy? Good mate I'm getting used to all this actually starting to enjoy it so maybe some good can come from this maybe we're the virus Wendell maybe we're the virus. Now what's in the news this week Wendell it's obviously obviously a lot.
Yeah there's been plenty going on still and Jesus Christ was fined a thousand dollars after police deemed his resurrection a non-essential outing. Yes Mr. Christ landed himself in a fair bit of trouble there he got pinged outside the tomb which of course is not allowed anymore under these current isolation rules. There's actually a bloke in Perth who broke out of his I guess you'd say state sanctioned state ordered hotel quarantine after returning back from overseas jimmied the door out of his hotel and went and met with his girlfriend he's actually gone to prison we don't know how long for up to six months they reckon so Jesus was lucky he didn't get pinged that hard but he definitely will be fined. Yeah there was a comment on that from Michelle Wiliamski who said if he's really worried about the fine he can get it revoked if he just gets a little help from his mates and lodges an appeal with the high court. Ooh okay. Well of course Jesus he did go to a local private school so he should be able to get off.
He's also a prominent Catholic figure which is the key to getting off in the high court. Yeah there you go let's hope he doesn't get crucified for it and speaking about prominent Catholic figures moving on to our next story now man who made career talking about shit no one can verify says don't take accusations as gospel. Yes the former Cardinal Pell of course so bravely went on Sky News to talk to one of the more grilling journalists he could have sat opposite in the shape of his good friend Andrew Bolt from Sky News to explain why people shouldn't believe everything they hear not even a week after he's been released from prison and had his conviction overturned on technicality that he paid a lot of money to receive. He has spent a fair amount of time preaching stuff a whole lot less believable than other instances of pedophilia in the Catholic Church. Yes he has he's actually made a career out of it as have a lot of creepy men that live alone around the world have made quite a lot of coin telling us to trust their stories of a magical Palestinian carpenter who was also Caucasian running around a couple thousand years ago turning water into wine. Cardinal Pell certainly would say that is more believable than the fact that the Catholic Church might have a problem with child molestations.
Yeah Clancy you got a bit of a tip off a couple of days ago that Andrew actually sent George a 3am you up text message recently that you're working on? Yes yeah I received that tip off it's an awkward situation that the Cardinals found himself in he's usually so obsessed with with the fame and ego that comes with being Cardinal Pell good or bad he loves a headline but now he's actually found himself in the unfortunate predicament where Andrew Bolt thinks they're mates or possibly even more than mates and went ahead and sent him a you up message after his I guess cheerleading interview for him earlier in the week. Yes I can imagine those two engaging in a 69. Reading out another comment as we like to do on the show there was a pretty hectic one from Wayne Molloy who said us regular peoples are not fit to judge the likes of Pell only God can judge one so devout so maybe a good middle ages trial by fire is warranted. You said it not us Wayne-o! Bit full on. What else is in the news Wendell?
Staying down south now and Melbourne Elites hiding in Portsea given away by stickers for weird private school sports. Yes some stickers for croquet polo and sailing gave away the to rack if I'm saying that correctly I know the people in Melbourne don't really take it too well when we don't pronounce their weird suburbs right so is that to rock to rock to rack to rack residents you know they were down in Portsea when they shouldn't be but you can do a lot of things when you're rich and white yes I shouldn't be down there but you know they are of the opinion that they could blend in because you know they holiday there so much it's basically like home and they pay so much money for those beach houses they thought they should be able to treat that community like it is their home community which is a weird thing that they don't already do that full time considering not many of them actually work in Melbourne they just need to be there they keep up appearances and what could be considered a double blow for the rich elites of Melbourne they've also banned the sale of Pangolin at the Praharan wet markets if I'm saying that correctly Praharan? That one's always tricky.
Prahan. Prahan maybe. Prahan.
Moving back to some news from our little desert shire now and wife material whispers local woman taking half burnt Betty Crocker fudge cake from the oven. This article was written after a journalist interviewed a local woman who filled her apartment with the delicious smell of perfectly baked cake and of course the smell of a perfectly burnt cake which I think it set the smoke alarms off Wendell. Yeah it did it notified the rest of her apartment block that she'd made a meal of it.
Anything else from quarantine? Yeah one last story now and slowly balding man figures quarantine is as good a time as any to rip off the band-aid. I take it the band-aid was the hair that was on top of his head.
Certainly was. So they're suggesting he go from the Josh Frydenberg straight to the assistant chief medical officer Paul Kelly. Yeah.
Anyway to the borderline chrome domes out there now is as good a time as any to pull off the Vin Diesel adjacent state and to see how it looks and if it doesn't grow back too bad. As always thanks for tuning in we'll be back again with your weekly portion of honest hard-hitting regional news from the channel country next week on the Batutah Advocate Weekly Bulletin. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_157_Isaac_Ice_John | Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording live down here in downtown Petuta now Errol has made his way down to Canberra he's trying once again hopefully not in vain to get us inside the Canberra press gallery they've turned us back several times now they don't want us in there they don't want us tearing the lid off everything that is Australian politics and it's in their best interest to keep us out of there so good luck to you Errol hopefully you can find a back door into that building but it doesn't look likely at this point so that means I'll be running the show alone today and I'm joined by a guest who we've been wanting to get on for a while he's going to speak to a lot of different topics today because he's a multifaceted man he's been described as the Polynesian Gary Vee he's in fashion he's an ex-NRL player an ex I guess you could say representative footballer yeah definitely play for the Kiwis yeah play for the Kiwis and of course he's in the media world himself thank you for joining us Isaac John thanks for having me on bro don't realize how deep your voice is until you've got the headphones on yeah yeah I can and I can I can get in real close and do these ones or I can get back and go full commercial radio like this but you know this is just the world we're in mate this is media you've got your different techniques and we're all learning this ourselves because we're definitely not signed to any kind of major radio station we're in the podcast game we're doing it ourselves it's all independent you've been in this how long now yourself podcasting yeah podcasting individually podcast I've been going for about two years now I initially just started off the back of like we're doing vlogs and now kind of like our highest performing content source bit of a space there and started just doing it I just kind of wanted to interview business people and sort of gravitated away from that because you sort of talk to pretty much all the same people after a while and kind of really small market for that so just started doing a little bit of football and then sort of had this idea for YKTR sports yeah we're just we're in the position now we've got a few different things that we talked about yeah you've got a few you've got a fair bit of talent a few different shows yeah it's cool tell us oh I want to go back to the start you're from the sulfur plains of Rotorua Tokoroa yeah that's it it's actually a town that really does punch above its weight in terms of sporting exports oh fucking oh so who have you like have you got you've had I don't know I wouldn't know how many all blacks but oh so like probably some of the more well-known ones around sort of my time Kevin Milamu Richard very good-looking bloke as well had a guy called Sean Maitland who's playing for Scotland and British Lions right now one comps of Crusaders is my best mate growing up Quay Cooper he was the other best mate growing up and in terms of league talent myself Joseph Manu and Zane Tetervano so in terms of a town that's got 10,000 people yeah we've done alright yeah yeah yeah and that's not not including the you know the pre kind of multilateral and pre-sports science footballers as well there would have been a bunch of you know a bunch of all blacks they pulled off the farm too yeah hundred percent so what was the story that your family Cook Islander and Maori background there's a huge Cook Islander population in that part of the world in New Zealand and that where does that date from where did that migration wave start there was a mill that was opening up at the time and I don't know how many cookies were there at the time but basically they've just gone hey guys there's a bunch of work here and you want to come live the dream in New Zealand let's come to Tokoroa and at the time there was like a lot of work so my dad was one of those people timber using timber yeah and I don't actually know I know he works in the mill so basically what my mom used to say is like if you don't work hard on school you're gonna end up in the mill just like everyone else so basically everyone in my town either works in forestry chopping down trees or whatever they do off those logs in that mill they turn it into pulp and paper and 4x4 and I don't actually know cuz I never ended up out there but that's what my dad done he's always done it works 12 hour shifts his whole life yeah and just never really complained about it and I kind of knew I didn't want to do that though hmm and did you think sport was always gonna be having you out my dad was always my coach as well a big big football fan so here's my coach from five to 16 we had a super stacked side when I look back on it now so obviously that me and Quater in the halves and we like he went on to play for Wallabies I've gone on to play for the Kiwis and whatnot so we were stacked there I reckon from like 6 to 15 we would have lost about maybe five games hmm like yeah really and like we were like small town like and everyone sort of knew who we are because we weren't coming from a big town we always had skillful players and to be fair me and Quater probably weren't even the best players in our team yeah we had guys that you know when you physically develop a lot quicker me and Quater were very small always the most competitive but yeah we had this we had a couple guys probably three or four that could have gone close or thereabouts I want to say they would have made it because that always comes back to work work ethic but they had a hit start on us easily were there some kids that you saw that were better than earlier yeah we had a couple just didn't have that kind of factor that would have gotten them out um it's like when you're in a small town man small town syndromes are things like you start drinking a little bit earlier you're like 13 12 13 14 drinking I mean but like my mom works at a primary school and she said so they found someone with weight on them yeah yeah yeah like that so you do things a little bit early start having sex a little bit earlier if she get caught up in that party scene like that kids a bit earlier my best mates back home now that their kids are rolling into high school and intermediate they were having kids 16 17 and they've got like three or four kids yeah out of my super close mates there I'm probably the only one that doesn't yeah yeah you know a town full of people that work hard and they play hard and they and they and they train hard but you've also got I imagine a bit of trouble too like in any rural town so you've got a I imagine a few motorcycle enthusiasts in the region yeah that's it put it that way that was a town else good love we were a black power town yeah like crip town yeah yeah yeah so you could only really wear black or blue yeah if you wore red just got to get ready to fight for no reason yeah so it sounds sounds stupid over here but like more grown up that was kind of like the real thing so yeah and then we're getting we're getting guys they were seven and eighteen getting it's good getting patched up so they go for initiation i don't know what they have to do obviously the street gangs are kind of emulated off the american stuff very similar than the big boys are riding motorbikes that's it and it's changed now because obviously they're a bit more like organized crime back then it was kind of just like stand over and like this little boys club but i remember when i was five years old i was a ball boy my uncle he looked after our we had like an under six rep team for like south white you know and i remember he was in the black power and he was my uncle and then i remember there was this massive fight down at the local oval and he goes go to the back of my car um open up the boot and just wait there and i remember i'm five years old so i remember kindergarten i remember a lot of things got a photographic memory that way i remember standing there and him and his three mates and they all black power come running around the corner and i'm just standing by the car and he's like get the fuck out the way get the fuck out the way flips open the bottom of the boot like there's a matter on top and they grab these baseball bats and it's just and then three mongrel mobs start running around the corner and these boys are just trying to whack each other with baseball bats and my mom's just going get out of there get out of there so that that's the kind of town it was yeah yeah yeah but in saying that like i didn't grow i didn't grow up rough my parents my dad was my coach if i got if i fucked up at scores going home to get like you did have the uncle yeah i did have the uncle and and i did see stuff around me as well but on the other side of that we had we had the highest youth suicide rate in the country so um like we've seen a lot of things when we're younger and like when i talk about them now to other people they're like fuck that's crazy yeah but you just kind of grow up how you grow up and you and i guess it's probably not much of a shock entering the nrl and because you know you're surrounded by a lot of kids who come from you know low socioeconomic areas or rough towns and and rough suburbs they're usually the better players too aren't they yeah why is that just because they've been for a bit more or what maybe they're just more desperate to get out and get into it when did you realize you know you start moving into fashion and media and you know you're hanging out with pip edwards and you're hanging out with you know you're in the eastern suburbs you're doing all that boys of mark voris yeah yeah yeah yeah and then you you accidentally bring up one of those yarns and someone goes what the fuck you you know like do you find that a little bit too you sometimes are you good are you good at walking in both worlds i think i think like you said i can sort of roll up and sort of plant myself in any situation and be okay i can talk to gang members because i've talked to them in the past i i can sit in the business room with people that are aware of fucking x amount and hold my conversation because i feel like i know what i can talk about so yeah like i don't like i don't hide from the fact that's the way i've grown up because i wouldn't change a single thing about how i've done it um but yeah like something you don't really sort of roll into those types of conversations straight away oh my uncle's in the black valley yeah no standing by the i did i will admit i did a bit of prying here to get you to the tell that yeah yeah but this is this is this is how like the town that we grew up so so me me quite in that we kind of went to like more of a white school so it was called cargo and it's a bit nicer and um we're sort of the outskirts of town but like a couple years before like my brother when they were there um primary schools used to go have fights with other primary schools so there was this place called rock park when i look at primary school kids yeah yeah so there's this place called rock park and you might have a straf more school versus central school rock up and then sometimes if they're outnumbered like you are we're just going to pick out five best fighters versus five best fighters please stick to these rules yes and this is primary school and i remember intermediate so there used to be two intermediates there ty and toke intermediate and toke was a lot bigger but then they used to do the same as well but i remember ty we rocked up and they only had like five fighters and like yes we grab your best five when let's just have a fight uh you start them young and then and then you know a lot of those kids end up as you said losing six matches in in 10 years of junior football you know yeah that's cool and like the guys that didn't make it they still play football now and they're obviously the best players on the park by country mile so yeah i don't know when you talk about it it seems funny but when you're just growing up you're just like oh this is just our life yeah yeah that was just it tell us about the transition moving to you actually went to the warriors so you didn't there wasn't too much of like a you know cross tasman thing going on you just you just fly to australia for games right yeah so australia was like the mecca we're like but i was actually signed to paramata before i went to the warriors so from like 15 to 17 i was there and i used to actually stay in the scopes house yeah right so his parents used to look after five six players and um so i used to go hang out at his house all the time because they're a bit more kiwi than the aussie guy i was staying with so that's justin horo justin horo yeah and you guys kind of came through together then oh not really like i just knew him i've known him since that age yeah so it was like he was a little bit older he's about three years older than me so i was like 17 i used to come over the training camps and there was another guy he was 17 years old that couldn't go up so we used to hang out all the time and guess who it was it was hainsey yeah yeah yeah right yeah so like i didn't know hainsey was a gun so we used to just sit in this room wait for the boys to come home we'll be talking about like random shit like footy and and then like next year he was playing for like australia yeah yeah i was like oh shit i know that dude and then you went back to new zealand yeah so they had like chris kiddin trent hockinson who were probably a little bit ahead of me in terms of development um and then tony arro who was a cook islander guy he he knew that i was signed with these guys over here um and then i finished off my high school there and i was meant to come to paramanta i ended up just going to the warriors because they had a 2020s competition starting and i was training with first grade straight away so um yeah i was sort of sort of primed to be that sort of next guy in there so it was cool i'm interested to know what it's like for a league player in auckland like what's you i mean you'd be like in in the white kiddo all those more smaller towns you go like huntley they're all very league dominant yeah there's a lot of league i know there's a lot of league in um in new zealand and it's very much a similar kind of demographic to here you know it's like you know the similar type of suburbs are playing league and um similar type of towns particularly country towns are playing league too up north but what's it like in terms of profile because you know the yarn is boys want to be an all black girls want to marry one yeah what's it like as a warrior rolling around auckland i don't know man we so when i when i first got to the warriors this guy there called wade mckinnon and gun like he he just rolled into the prime of his career and he was the first sort of aussie guy i sort of knocked about with that would like like had so much confidence as like he was rocking up to like you know shortland street not familiar so shortland street is like the home and away version over here so when i've grown up i'm looking at auckland like it's fucking hollywood yeah yeah and there's a show called shortland street terrible acting yeah yeah story for another good little soap opera yeah good little and it's on seven o'clock every night so it's a part of your tradition growing up and my mom used to always watch it and it was this hot chick on there and she was at the first very promo that we're at and wade mckinnon just rocks up to her and goes hey like what's up and i was just sitting there going holy fuck yeah that's like the dream girl yeah pretty much and he just goes oh let's go for a date tomorrow let me grab your number and i'll give you a text later she's like yes wait and i was going fuck this is different and like the thing with union boys they're very protected yeah they've got that squeaky clean image in and around them like i didn't even know the all blacks boys get loose and stuff until i started meeting them like recently where like the footy boys and and quade calls them like oh he's a league he gets loose so it was sort of that 2000 2006 2007 time where we should sort of go to this place called pony which is underneath a strip club um and just use the party around there and stay down there though yeah you're standing there don't go up top i wouldn't i wouldn't have the money but you think the nrl the the nrl players over there are just as kind of exposed and they are they and we had 20s comp and our games are televised every single day like over there they might know one of the schoolboys and like like first 15 is massive over there and then if you make new zealand schoolboys it's the equivalent of making the all black so people might know those dudes but we're on sky sports yeah just before the warriors every single time so everyone knew who we were so we had probably a bit more of an advantage over over those guys as well so in terms of like leverage and stuff like that not saying that we're better than them but people knew who we were so tell me then you've got quite an unorthodox career in football um para mata as you said didn't end up playing greater power but you spent a bit of time there met all those young bucks came back did did warriors for how many years three years three years the warriors oh no probably four maybe four four but four years would have felt like a long time at that age it's your first job and then you went to england what was what was the thinking there um so ivan cleary signed at penriff panvers we brought on a guy called bluey mclennan in 2011 all three grades the year before i just signed a three-year extension so ivan goes oh we want you to be like sort of the next guy we've got shawnee johnson coming through as well it's going to be like seven six then that was and like i went good as a youngster as well played a few in our l games we won five in a row and i got a lot of credit for that and then in my sixth game we played penriff and petro seven siva dived at my leg and done my acl yeah right um come back the next year jimmy maloney wasn't playing as well and they're like oh we want you to come in rolled up spraying my ankle yeah this was against the tigers my first game back so i've gone from acl to sprained ankle until shawnee johnson killing it yeah so i kind of got weeded out at the back of that yeah that reputation he's made it sure kind of thing yeah well i think i was man so some of the injuries i got and then like um so the week before the grand final was a wednesday bluey mclennan come up to me he goes oh join have a chat like yeah cool so he took me to the scene he goes like i had three two more years or three more years left on my contract so so so you so you left warriors and signed how many years with wanky i went to wakefield i went to england yeah like this like i still had two years running on my nl contract yeah he goes oh there's not going to be a spot for you here yeah right and like this is like three days before the grand final so i was trying to get over to australia yeah um but that's all the salary cap had gone um and then basically england wakefield come through and doubled my money yeah fuck we want you here for three years yeah right went over there it didn't quite work out and ended up back at benwith what that would have been the culture shock in your career yeah the north of england fuck tell me about it fucking sucks i still bag it now everyone says it by willie mason said the same thing to us he has it places black and shit like i've come from like tucledore like not the most glamorous place in the world moved to orklin you know what i mean and then like but and saying that like the people were great they were they were like people are all time the best humor like you can sit there talk shit with cheap bears yeah you need to do something to stay warm and and happy and they've got bear and banter yeah yeah um but in terms of football like i started well there and then the coach got really off me yeah and then he was just trying to give me the shittest jobs i had to be at training like six thirty in the morning doing extras i had to hold all the pads there's this guy called shawn briscoe had this like bent nose i had to emulate like players that we were playing against and he'd always duck yeah so i remember running back and then like fake ducking he goes no i need you to duck properly duck properly straight into someone's knee and it's had he did yeah right you know when you apply pressure to trying to weed someone out that's it like bitly so you're a bit like oj simpson and uh you know when he when he went to buffalo that's what it was you had the you just weren't connecting with your coach nah nah and then um like just so he was just trying to weed me out the same thing so i've gone from having a three-year contract rolled over there three-year contract and i actually got i go oh if you want me gone you got to pay me this or else i'm not leaving but in the back i knew ivan was trying to sign me to get back to penrith yeah right always had a great relationship with ivan um so yeah i i sort of weezer my way out of that and got paid and then um signed with penrith got paid out oh most of it but they're fucking dodgy yeah like that i will give it to you four different payments so they gave me the first one and then the next three they were meant to come through they weren't coming so i threatened to sell them yeah because they're super dodgy over there bro it's like they'll go today's gate attendants like five thousand six hundred but there's actually eight thousand so they're cashing them under the table yeah so it's some dodgy shit like that it's the opposite of what they're doing here so it's fucking crazy right so that's that's over here where we're we're exaggerating the numbers yeah roosters first like in melbourne forty thousand it's crazy experience but it was kind of like i've gone from not being wanted to not being wanted to like this is basically your last chance yeah yeah so i rocked up to ivan minimum wage um on matchy's train my ass off i was already training my ass off so i landed here super fit yeah the day at the last day of training over there it was one of the coldest days in yorkshire history it was minus 14 degrees my first day at training it was the last like just before round one that you have a big touch-up session so that was my first session there back in yeah and it was 42 degrees so i've gone from it out in the west and it's dry as fuck so i've gone from this massive minus 16 48 hours playing on snow 48 hour flight yeah uh oh like 36 hour flight landed had a sleep and obviously you go to a new copper like ah fuck it all train yeah like just want to like put your best foot forward and it was like 42 degrees and i was way out the back like of everything and it wasn't out of fitness it was just fucking couldn't climatize i was like what's this dry heat yeah yeah and that's three different kind of um climates you played in really new zealand other than north england and then and like you like obviously you want to your first impression to be like to be great so i'm like out the back and just go fuck what have we signed this guy for yeah yeah yeah it could have just slipped off the jet lag coming in a couple days later and the thing about that year is like it's probably the best footy i've ever played because i knew my back was against the wall played like the first six games and reserves rolled up we played melbourne we're paying eleven dollars at home it's like a friday night or something or saturday night obviously they had the big three and everyone and beat them so yeah so yeah it's pretty crazy next week played the warriors um i scored a hat trick yeah right okay that's a good that's a good return to form yeah yeah yeah and and of course with ivan so yeah and then next week we played um saint george at colgrove and we're the first team near vanillam so we'll i've rolled back and then so we're the boys have been losing i've come through we'll run three in a row i've scored a hat trick against my whole team we'll pump them 64 something and then we beat and then re-signed for a couple more years straight away oh beauty beauty that's you love to hear it yeah it's cool it was cool where did the business now come into it all um so obviously you talked about being made of chalk basically that that was it so i've done my acl obviously when you're 20 playing football you think the world revolves around you um had a guy named michael lark one of the great north queenslanders when you looked at lucky he was kind of like dallas johnson like his head was always in the wrong place getting knocked out he played the game you almost think he'd be fucking dumb but when you talk to him off it he just knew everything about everything yeah and i was like why why are you so smart and goes i read books all the time yeah like he said he always had insomnia so he just spent that time learning and learning and he gave me my first three books to read so you i mean obviously you know you support what was the focus for you growing up and you hadn't really just sat down and read and what are we talking we're not talking novels we're talking kind of you know yeah so history oh no no so i'll start with autobiographies obviously because that's what you relate to easier so i was reading about like it's not about the bike before obviously got all this shit caught with you know what i mean so like i knew he goes he goes are you gonna be in a bike for the next four months you might might as well learn about cycling read this book and then i forgot what the other ones he sort of gave me i think they were just super random yeah my tyson was a good one that's a crazy story hey so i really started to enjoy reading and obviously when you and like i was i was smart at school my mom used to always say if you don't do well in school you can't play football but my dad was my coach i was just weird little balance so i'd always do enough to get by just so i could play football so like education and learning was kind of pushed on me when i was a little bit younger but then once i got into reading you should have just you start with autobiographies kind of get bored and then you move into like different stuff and then obviously self-development and business and yeah grew from there and by the time i finished football we did about 100 books yeah right yeah and and i always got injured i always got injured i was like oh fuck it this is my time to read yeah okay i haven't really heard that kind of story before in terms of you know you work on your kind of business sense and your professional developments based on injuries in rugby league you know i don't know if anyone else has that story no yeah yeah and at the time i was just like i was looking for something to do and like you play playstation like fuck get bored do a binge series get bored and yeah so that was just my sort of thing and when it always felt good after i read like you know when you exercise you feel good yeah that's sort of that like breaking the mental sweat yeah yeah yeah you feel part of your brain working too you just you feel just as good by reading and stuff so it's cool so so tell me then when was the first time you you know organized an abn when was the first business you had a crack up so like and if it wasn't legal you don't have to bring it up nah so it's pretty funny so selling scalp tickets in north england no you actually get a fucking laugh out of this one of the that's not my first business i started i knew i wanted to start something i just didn't know what it was so i was just trying to do all the cliche cliche shit so one of the first things and i was big into online courses as well so i was doing like ty lopez courses and stuff like that and one of the first things i learned about was dropshipping yeah right yeah so like if anyone doesn't know what dropshipping is it's basically like you sell a product but you don't own the inventory then as soon as someone buys it you send it off from like amazon or print on demand t-shirt so i remember sitting on like instagram i was like fuck all i see is chicks like with dogs like how's he like dogs t-shirts and there was yeah so i went on to this website and in america and they were it looked like they were killing it so that looks like they're selling a dog t-shirt every like 15 seconds because this little notification thing would pump up okay fuck these guys must be killing it so what it did i started a dog page on facebook and off the back of that facebook page i used to retarget people with dog t-shirts and my biggest selling demographic was like 40 to 50 year old chicks in texas yeah yeah yeah right that was my first business and like um i jumped on canva and i had this dog thing i just flipped it around and the page was called the upside down dog yeah right that and that was it yeah is it that had nothing to do with what you were doing nothing at all yeah and obviously like we kind of started yktr like we were just printing t-shirts on like um as color and going down to paramatta and just wearing them yep um so we were getting a couple sales through there and i first said i was like oh if you want to buy a t-shirt email me here at isaac at like yeah you know i mean that that's how we didn't know what shopify was so yktr is an all-encompassing brand now it covers all of your media kind of stuff all your podcasts um and but it did start with the fashion side yeah you say fashion and like i know a lot of people say that about me but maybe apparel is a better word lifestyle brand i'll say lifestyle brand because people at the start people just get angry at me because we were selling out but they'd been to the design school and and like they're like this ain't fashion i was like yeah i know like i'm not trying to be like fashionable or just trying to make t-shirts that look cool for us yeah um so yeah we we'd start out as apparel um so that you the story is there you're all living together yeah so me chico and normie used to live together okay so that's segiaro and corey norm some of the um more polished nrl stars that exist in the public in the public eye and and that's it and like we were as weird like i was always with those boys but i never seemed to get in trouble with them like i always sort of had that autopilot like even when i was drunk i knew like if i fucked up and going home get a hiding from dad yeah that was sort of my mentality so i never really got in trouble with them but the best things about those two boys like i put up a post last night and i said like fuck it let's do it like that should be the vocab of some of your friends yeah and that's what that's what they were were and uh and we're just like why don't we just like we used to say you know the rules around the house so like are you gonna get a chick over tonight like come on by you know the rules or normies you reckon you use the wind tonight or come on by you know the rules and got abbreviated to yktr and then we used to write it on chicks photos and like one of the chicks we used to write them on was like pia miller like yeah yeah just basically go ah like we're keen on her yeah never had a chance but yeah we're keen on her and then randomly i just put it on a t-shirt one time and took a photo of it and sent it to the boys and like fuck it let's do it so we've done like 20 30 t-shirts sold them to the boys for like 25 bucks we're making it for like 22 bucks we're like fuck we're killing it yeah and kind of just roll from there bro yeah yeah and then and then and that's been how many years now four four and a bit yeah and they've kept playing the whole time you know yeah and you you'd kind of wrapped up by then or you were wrapping up um so i i had one last year at manly but i was injured the whole time and i snapped my pec one of my first games back and i was like fuck it i'm done like i wanted to try something else so i just went all in a white ktr and i was living out of my house in penrith i bought a house while i was playing football and i had a two bedroom i was like oh fuck i'm just gonna live in here pay interest only on my loan use the other room for like a storage room and sort of started from there and i shipped out my first four thousand orders from there yeah and they were long days man they're like 16 hours days and i didn't get paid till 16 months later from like start to thing and like my first pay was like 350 bucks a week and that was just i think it was 400 bucks and my interest only line was like 320 so i was living off like 80 bucks a week so there's this massive like grind phase yeah yeah um which must have been tough after you know the bright lights of footy and yeah nightclubs and the you know it felt fun like for me it felt fun and that's why i say when people try and get into businesses make sure you're passionate about it because if you don't have that other side fuck it's going to be hard um so yeah we just kind of just grew from there and yeah and then obviously i learned about i was doing self-development i was big into gary v we started vlogging which was kind of a big part of how we grew yeah um and then just listens and listens and so so basically you create this brand lifestyle brand the clothing starts you know it's a hit you go out in anywhere where you're going to see guys who watch football or or women and and you see you see that yktr brand you see it at the boxing you see it at the football you've found your market there and you started to take everyone uh you know document it all for everyone and how it was all happening that's the main marketing ethos and i think anyone that loves me or the brand understands that because if you go like youtube like yktr vlog number one you can see our whole journey you know i mean like oh is it the house i'm talking about i'm i think my first 30 or 40 vlogs are in that house yeah yeah we made enough money to get our very first office in paramata and then you can show us like moving in and then we've gone to a bigger office now and yeah i don't know like i'm glad i've done it and i didn't understand the importance of it i did in terms of like getting sales and stuff but like looking back now it's going to be cool and i think maybe say 10 years from now and we've got hopefully the best sports media company in in the country and we're doing a bunch of cool things like someone's just going to rip all that footage and put a pretty cool fucking documentary together yeah yeah yeah so that kind of evolved into a media brand from you know from the social media aspect of you know documenting everything you've done through you know the the rise and rise and then then all of a sudden you've got you know as you mentioned before you know all the boys have been with you from the start you've got scopes doing his own podcast you've got chicken uh you've got segiaro and and cory coming in and they're doing shows and you've got i mean you you've basically got a network here where that's yeah followers and you've got all these different yarns and and and now yktr isn't is more than hoodies and t-shirts obviously yeah so like there was a time where i was like oh and gary v said this i'm not taking credit for it but he goes you need to see yourself as a media company first if you can't if you can't like write you need to be able to speak if you can't speak you want to be in front of oh if you can speak you'll be in front of video as well so and i kind of had enough data points where i can look back and go oh shit this has worked for us in vlogging i think i can make this work for somewhere else so yktr sports was actually built off the back of like fox sports like there's no alternative to um sports media in and around in australia and it's always negative it's always negative so you're a journo the best way you can get open rates is write a negative story and it doesn't doesn't have to have to be true yeah which was sad and then you look at fox sports there's no one under 30 years old yeah on on their panels yeah hardly anyone under 40 years under 50 yeah look at buzz kenty and all those icons and stuff like that it's actually an old man's game sports media isn't it that um media is great for that type of demographic but then you've got kids that don't want to play football anymore and they want to be influences well there's no there's no media or or um podcast that tailored towards younger generation besides denon like denon's done it really really well so we've grown up on maddie john's yeah it's gonna be 17 18 19 year olds that are growing up on denon camp you know i mean because he tailored towards their type of humor we don't have such a long attention span besides the maddie john show but great show we still love it everything else is kind of like negative it's like controversy corner nrl 360 and when you transfer people over from newspaper and when their job is to get open right through negative stories and you transfer them onto tv aka paul ken and buzz rothfield they they know that works so they're going to format that type of content to transfer over to tv and it does work but there's just nothing else that had this cross correlation between culture and sports you look at ai's importance alan ivison's importance in terms of the cross between culture and basketball is my favorite sport but i'll never sit there and watch a whole game of basketball because i like everything that comes with it yeah it's i mean hip hop and american sports have that um seem it's they have that thing where they can cross over and american sports do well in kind of you know entering the arts and um and and i think rugby league might be the one that does that in australia where you've got these you know young blokes one four you you got the biggest brand and the biggest rap group in australia and you got the best team in the nrl right now and there's a seamless transition there you've got jeremy lua walking through playing one four yeah and i know the music's probably yeah it's about as raw as the boys playing football too though you know what i mean you've got them all you just got to marry it up somehow you're gonna get those boys like there's video clips on youtube with millions and millions of views and there's you know someone in the back wearing a pen with panthers jersey you know on these rap songs and that's and that's the that's the two merging whereas i guess you know back in the day you might have had a few rock bands you know come out of newcastle around the same time as the knights you know screaming jets and they kind of had that going on there or powder finger with with uh brisbane and the broncos and all that kind of stuff but in terms of well you've got clothing and you've got do you know where i see the gap in the market bro so when i look at sports media it's all coverage in and around the game so saturday friday to sunday fox sports going to cover it everyone's going to report on it and even like um kempi and roasty and all those sort of guys they do like sort of stats analysis yeah there's a white space on monday to friday like what's jason tom lolly fucking doing on the tuesday on his day off like i want to know that shit yeah yeah what's he eat after a game and how does he feel when he's going through maccas after a loss so that's the type of content i do want to own and i just like i just never wanted to be a sports media company that just sort of sits there and reacts and bags and gives opinion we will have those types of things but we're never going to be a gossip column we're never going to be oh chattown's in maybe signing yeah like i'm sending on some information right now that i could leak and it'll blow up yeah but i want the trust of that player more so that i'd rather tell the story after it's already happened we'll talk about when the mics are off yeah like just the stuff like that bro so you know i mean so like um as much as you don't you don't view yourselves as journals we're not journals we're not we're not one of the big things i say when people come in i said we're not a gossip column we can get fucking stories or likes or views or whatever we measure um currency and in terms of social media and those types of things but i just i don't want to be in that space because i know what it's like when you got rumors around you i know especially like when being around cori and stuff when all this sort of stuff's been going through like and you know the true story and you're reading the stuff in the paper like that latrell mitchell stuff two years ago or year yeah hysterical oh and just name just dragged through the mud and he's not doing anything about it and it's just frustrating because when you do know these players and the effect it has on their families yeah i don't want to contribute to that i want to be the guys that storyteller and create our own content and around it and make players feel good yeah dean did say that he could it's it's very rare to see in in media someone backing the player because it's not that's not the model the model is to i mean you're expendable i guess the players expendable the rumors might not be true but who gives a fuck kind of that's the attitude in from the media so it is interesting but it also is an age thing like you know there will be a time when you guys are 40 50 and you're trying to figure out these kids you know and who knows what they're into by then it won't be tiktok it'll be 10 two second videos yeah but then i'm like i put like i pay attention to it because obviously gary vie's my guy maro he hangs around like tiktok stars you look at dave portnoy he's hanging around keep keep your eyes on it yeah oh 100 and you hire you hire people that are younger and smarter than you in those types of places so like like i'm kind of into crypto and sort of stuff like that right now and you try and explain it to people and they just don't want to learn yeah yeah they're like oh no it's too hard like cool i'll learn and i'll get the benefits off the back of it like i understand tiktok i understand like i want to know what the new thing is going to be coming through with this virtual reality yeah like because when it does start to happen there's always business models you can build off the back of it and i think right now i'm a businessman like i want to i want to see business models i want to i want to fucking build cool things and and fucking monetize off them as well as ruthless as it sounds well you're doing that you know we've seen your offices it's like this isn't all smoke and mirrors and and you've got quite a setup down there you've got you know you've got your your clothing to one end you've got all these you've got your polished studios you've got all that going on what can you recommend to people listening now to jump on that's coming out of your kind of stable um depends what you want so if you want so i see content in two ways either into educational entertainment i'm not the first person to ever say this um if you can cross them over you're going to be like a superstar and if you're good looking but um if you want fuck around entertainment go listen to ten and again got got chicko got cory got the scope jordan simmy's a great character they just sit there and talk shit yeah um if you want education come listen to my stuff as well but then i i can cross over and do both you know what i mean and the ice project the ice project give it a plug give it a plug it's going good right it's going good so like i think a lot of people gravitate towards podcast content right now because it's easy like you can you can sort of drive and run and listen to something but in terms of that visual content jump on youtube i think we're dropping a show a day at the moment some of them are vlogs behind the scenes um i do a show called inside white ktr and they say if me and simmy aren't getting long off i can talk about it yeah like this is what's happening this is why he's been banned for a week and i've cut off his clothes supply because he's promised me this so yeah and i talk about like we sold out we've been selling our clothes fucking quick and there's an ugly side of this where we're kind of we're actually losing customers because they're missing out on clothes yeah and there are people going to be like you're a fucking liar so i talk about this i don't personally put their details out there but i talk about these types of things so i think right now i'm one of the guys that are giving out the most value in terms of um education and even like sporting content as well and i want i've hired on the scope i'll probably hire two more people by the end of this year i'm going to double down on our content because i feel like we do it really really well yeah and and the audiences are growing too and you're doing the same thing again as you did with the clothing so um it'll be interesting to see where YKTR is in five ten years but that's where you're at right now yeah i'm pumped i'm pumped yeah no well thanks for joining us thanks for giving us the rundown and uh yeah as i said not many people have that story coming out of uh injury sitting on a bike reading a book did you ever do that did you ever read while riding too busy sweating bro it was fuck we had reuben the year i got injured reuben wiki was our um rehab trainer and he was like stupid so yeah no reading it's just fighting demons bro sitting on the spin bike exciting one of the big things i say when people come in i said we're not a gossip column media we can get fucking stories or likes or views or whatever we measure um currency and in terms of social media and those types of things but i just i don't want to be in that space because i know what it's like when you got rumors around you i know especially like when being around quarry and stuff and all this sort of stuff's been going through like and you know the true story and you're reading the stuff in the paper like that latrell mitchell stuff two years ago or year yeah hysterical oh and just name just dragged through the mud and he's not doing anything about it and it's just frustrating because when you do know these players and the effect it has on their families yeah i don't want to contribute to that i want to be the guys that storyteller and create our own content and around it and make players feel good yeah well dean did say that he could it's it's very rare to see in in media someone backing the player because it's not that's not the model the model is to i mean you're expendable i guess the player is expendable the rumors might not be true but who gives a fuck kind of that's the attitude from the media so it is interesting but it also is an age thing like you know there will be a time when you guys are 40 50 and you're trying to figure out these kids you know and who knows what they're into by then it won't be tik tok it'll be 10 two second videos yeah but then i'm like i put like i pay attention to it because obviously gary v is my guy my idol he hangs around like tick tock stars you look at dave portnoy he's hanging around keep keep your eyes on it yeah oh 100 and you hire you hire people that are younger and smarter than you in those types of places so like like i'm kind of into crypto and sort of stuff like that right now and you try and explain it to people and they just don't want to learn yeah yeah they're like oh no it's too hard like cool i'll i'll learn and i'll get the benefits off the back of it like i understand tick tock i understand like i want to know what the new thing is going to be coming through with this virtual reality yeah like because when it does start to happen there's always business models you can build off the back of it and i think right now i'm a businessman like i want to i want to see business models i want to i want to fucking build cool things and and fucking monetize off them as well well you're doing that you know we've seen your offices it's like this isn't all smoke and mirrors and and you've got quite a setup down there you've got you know you've got your you've got your clothing to one end you've got all these you've got your polished studios you've got all that going on what can you recommend to people listening now to jump on that's coming out of your kind of stable um depends what you want so if you want so i see content in two ways either educational entertainment i'm not the first person to ever say this um if you can cross them over you're going to be like a superstar and if you're good looking but um if you want fuck around entertainment go listen to tenon again got got chico got cory got the scope jordan simmy's a great character they just sit there and talk shit yeah um if you want education come listen to my stuff as well but then i can cross over and do both you know what i mean and the ice project the ice project give it a plug give it a plug it's going good bro it's going good so like i think a lot of people gravitate towards podcast content right now because it's easy like you can you can sort of drive and run and listen to something but in terms of that visual content jump on youtube i think we're dropping a show a day at the moment some of them are vlogs behind the scenes um i do a show called inside white ktr and they say if me and simmy aren't getting along i'll fucking talk about it yeah like this is what's happening this is why he's been banned for a week and i've cut off his clothes supply because he's promised me this so yeah and i talk about like we sold out we've been selling our clothes fucking quick and there's an ugly side of this where we're kind of we're actually losing customers because they're missing out on clothes yeah and there are people going to me about you're a fucking liar so i talk about this i don't personally put their details out there but i talk about these types of things so i think right now i'm one of the guys that have given out the most value in terms of um education and even like sporting content as well and i want i've hired on the scope i'll probably hire two more people while in this this year i want to double down on our content because i feel like we do it really really well yeah yeah and and the audiences are growing too and you're doing the same thing again as you did with the clothing so um it'll be interesting to see where yktr is in five ten years but that's where you're at right now yeah i'm pumped i'm pumped yeah no well thanks for joining us thanks for giving us the rundown and uh yeah as i said not many people have that story coming out of uh injury sitting on a bike reading a book uh did you ever do that did you ever read while riding uh too busy sweating bro it was fuck we had the year i got injured ruben wiki was our um rehab trainer and he was like stupid so yeah no reading it's just fighting demons bro sitting on the spin bike all right brother snatter exciting |
cracked | if_star_wars_villains_were_realistic_adventures_in_jedi_school | Good afternoon. Headmaster Evol here with the Midday Announcers, none today, as you were. And now, my young padawanlings, to lunch, let the food flow through you. Hey. Hello. Hi.
Guys, I think Headmaster Evol and Meena's Badzo are Sith. Look up Sith on your thing, Randy.
I don't need to do that. No, don't do it.
No, I mean, the Sith are extinct. Skywalker wiped them out years and years ago. I mean, this is just basic f***ing Jedi history, man.
I mean, I see you in class, staring at the board, and it looks like you're listening. And you should.
We're talking about magic, and laser swords, and fun stuff, and yet... No. Listen, I'm telling you, the thing I said. I've never heard Headmaster Evol speak beyond over-annunciated with space. And Evol, backwards twice, is evil, which kind of sounds like evil. Okay, Jank, I'm with you. The guy is creepier than some really creepy imagery, but names don't mean anything.
My name is Cessa Pryn. Backwards, that's Pryn-Cessa.
I'm not a princess. I am an empress.
Names don't mean anything. It's true. My name's Randy, and I've never even been to the Randy system. Headmaster Evol. Please, call me Da. It's my given name.
My parents shared some unsavory views. Well, Darth, I was- Walk with me. And... you. Nope.
Hello. Hi. Hello. Hi.
Almost there, Darth. Mr. Evol. Darth! Darth.
I'm gonna be late for my- Please!
I'm the third eldest Jedi here next to Master Benobzian. That old tree by the pool. I assure you, you have my official permission.
Hey yo, Darth. Are you Sith? I just wanna know, man. Are you trying to take over the galaxy?
I can barely run this school. Just think of all the meetings involved each day with the galaxy. People in positions of power and high stress age terribly, you know. Have you seen holograms of Emperor Palpatine?
Oof. He looks like shit. Like old, dead shit. Oof.
No, thank you. Then, what are we doing here? Ah! Yes! Sorry. It's a ruse!
No!
It's not what you think. Panther crap! See?
Red lightsabers. And he's got red eyes, like bad.
What does that mean? Use the language meaner! I was terribly meanish with his tryout for the dueling team. I thought you both might also make excellent contributions. I have... promise. See? It's that, man! Why do you gotta say stuff like that?
Also, I've seen him use the dark side. A dark side can be used for good, just as light can be used for bad. There! Fire for the night. Standard, acceptable use of the dark side.
You really don't pay attention in class at all, do you?
You weasel! No, it would be Jawa, wouldn't it? You Jawa! Hello! Way to go, Randy!
Now we'll never be Jedi. That's right. You won't. But I will. Mud and that lady, they promised. If I got rid of that, old Jawa, they'd make me a Jedi.
I've only ever seen you use the light side. Trix can use the light side, too.
Who must do what? Must your board afford to watch out? I built it myself. What?
You're gonna wait 18 years? Or wait till evil invites me to the dueling team?
Frack that. I mean, uh, f***. F*** that.
It was a rush job, though. Honestly, some of the parts came in this morning.
I'm not super sure. I've got a goooood feeling about this. Tell my wife. I wish we'd had sex. At least one.
So is he good? Did we decide that? Or are we not?
Yes, my sister. What is it? It's our newest students. I remember. From recently.
The results of the blood tests are in. So be it. Yes. Well, the results are in.
One of them is the chosen one. The one who will bring balance to the Force. I've already had our mole or Jawa or whatever. That jerk kid? I had him capture them and dispose of evil. Good. Soon the chosen one will die and I will be headmaster.
Yes, my brother. Yes. Just click the one that says subscribe on it.
It'll be hereabouts. Hopefully.
And you'll find a bunch of videos and maybe find out what the hell I'm doing here. This is a rich location with a lot of stories. Subscribe and find out what I'm doing here. Why am I holding this book?
I've got a goooood feeling about this. Tell my wife. I wish we'd had sex. At least one.
So is he good? Did we decide that? Or are we not?
Yes, my sister. What is it? It's our newest students. I remember. From recently.
The results of the blood tests are in. So be it. Yes. Well, the results are in.
One of them is the chosen one. The one who will bring balance to the force. I've already had our mole or jaw or whatever. That jerk kid? I had him capture them and dispose of evil. Good. Soon the chosen one will die and I will be headmaster.
Yes, my brother. Yes.
Hey, everyone on YouTube land, make sure you click all the buttons around you to subscribe to crack.com's YouTube. Just click the one that says subscribe on it.
It'll be hereabouts. Hopefully.
And you'll find a bunch of videos and maybe find out what the hell I'm doing here. This is a rich location with a lot of stories. Subscribe and find out what I'm doing here. Why am I holding this book? |
dropout | dating_it_s_complicated_the_cartoon | During my junior year of high school, I'd been seeing this girl named Sadie on and off for like a couple weeks. It was nothing serious, just a whole lot of making out and mashing faces together. It's pretty nice. Well, I had just gotten my license and I wanted to take my girl out for a ride. Unfortunately for me, my piece of junk car was in the shop, so I had to convince my mom to let me borrow her brand new station ride. I took Sadie to what I thought was a pretty romantic and secluded spot, on top of a parking garage overlooking the city.
Earlier that day, my buddy gave me this book of the 350 best sexual positions. Well, being the suave guy that I am, I whipped out the book and me and Sadie started talking about which positions we want to try. So we eventually started going at it. It's a station wagon, so yeah, I could have put the seats down and we would have had plenty of room to mess around, but she's like a foot taller than me, so I ended up having to kneel on the floor in front of the passenger seat, and then we got down to business. So we're doing it missionary style, right? She's got her feet pressed up against the windshield.
I'm feeling great. I'm pumping away in all my glory. I'm high-fiving myself. I feel like a man.
This goes on for a little while, and eventually we finish up, and I pop out of the car real quick. Do some sex stretches, send my buddy some text messages, totally boned Sadie smiley face. Then we cleaned up and headed back to my house. Now we must have been in some sort of sex-induced haze, because when I pulled into the driveway, we suddenly noticed this massive crack in the passenger side of the windshield. I mean, there's like pieces of glass falling on the dashboard. So we got out of the car, and my parents are standing right there. I quickly thought of an excuse, and I was like, Dad, don't be mad, but on the drive home, we hit a pothole, and it somehow cracked the windshield.
But don't worry, me and Sadie are okay. I know that's the most important thing.
My dad was not happy. As we walked over to inspect the damage, I started giving him this half-ass spiel about how the force from the pothole must have sent all the pressure through the frame of the car and started to crack the windshield. I thought he might actually buy it, but then he stuck his head in the car and pointed out the two footprints on the windshield. I thought I was a dead man.
But all he said was, I'm not going to tell your mom, but you might want to zip up your fly. Your underwear is hanging out. The next day, I wake up to find my sex position book next to my bed with a note on it from my mom. Honey, you left this in the car, and I thought you might need it.
Love, mom. Hugs and kisses. My dad ended up taking care of the replacement windshield, and nothing was ever spoken of the incident ever again.
Dating, it's complicated. Very complicated. |
TheOnion | Overwhelmed_White_Nationalist_Militia_Spread_Too_Thin_Plotting_Attacks_Against_Everyone_Trump_Wants | Confusion and exhaustion. That's the feeling around the country as the American people continue to await the announcement of who will be their next president. And nowhere is that more true than amongst our nation's alt-right militia groups. Hear why overwhelmed white nationalists around the country feel they're being spread way too thin plotting attacks against everyone Trump wants.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price and this is the Topical. We've got a high-capacity magazine full of news. And this podcast is automatic. So stay with it.
A possible defeat and uncertain election results have many Trump supporters shaken and worried for the future of their country. And one such group may be doing even worse. The Badger State Brigade, a Wisconsin militia whose leader Dennis Blanchard says was already struggling prior to this election mess, says his group is overwhelmed, explaining the white nationalist organization is spread way too thin plotting attacks against everyone Trump wants.
OPR political violence reporter Remy Berglund joins us now with more. Remy, welcome. Thanks, Leslie.
Fulfilling their mission of creating a white ethnostate may be harder than the militia previously believed. With their scant resources and Trump's ever-growing list of targets, from political opponents to journalists, immigrants to professional athletes, this grassroots terrorist organization is having trouble keeping up. Here's Blanchard, who also serves as the group's commander. Looking at what President Trump would like from us right now, we're supposed to kidnap a few congresswomen in Washington, run over some protesters in Louisville, and blow up a mosque in Minneapolis. That's not even everything. Now tell me how the hell we're supposed to do all that. We're just a handful of guys. The other day I was so tired, I swear I tried to blow up a protester and kidnap a mosque. Now Blanchard says that while Trump still has 100% of the white nationalist militia's support, they just wish he would sic them on one group at a time. Like reporters? Yes. Or, uh, others. The president's direction is so scattered, you have to sympathize with these guys. Sometimes when he's speaking, Trump will change the target of violence from Antifa to Black Lives Matter in practically one breath. Here's Blanchard again.
Look, I'm a motivated guy, but if I'm locked and loaded and already on my way to CNN headquarters in Atlanta, don't tweet about something that's going on in California, because I just can't be there. I almost got in a wreck last week trying to do a U-turn on the freeway. That's tough. He has them running all over the place. Yeah, and he was almost to Georgia, too.
Things are especially hard for the militia because the group only has five official members. I visited their compound in Wausau, Wisconsin, where Blanchard showed me their operation. Take a listen. We've already got weapons to stockpile, online recruits to groom, rallies to attend, minorities to intimidate, training drills to run. I've been sitting those out, though, since I get really winded. You're a small militia, too, so that must also make it hard to do everything Trump wants.
Yeah, it's just me, my friends Travis and Brantley, and Brantley's half-brothers, J-Dog and Nevin. And even so, Nevin's gone all the time because he has to be on call for work.
He's a cop? No, he works at Panera. Oh, thank God. J-Dog's the cop. Oh, J-Dog, we were going to send that to the state capitol.
This sets us back another week. I said, sorry.
See?
I'm working too fast. Half the time, I don't even know who I got tied up in the back of my trunk. Oh, what's this? God damn it, another tweet from Trump. Looks like we're headed to Fauci's. Hey, Brantley, where are my car keys? Well, it sounds like they have their work cut out for them.
I'm just glad the Democrats never ask their followers to do anything. Other than vote. Oh, shit. Damn it. Well, journalists can't legally vote anyway. We've got to stay impartial. And thank heaven for that, because I don't actually follow any of this politics stuff.
Anyway, thanks, Remy. That's OBR's Remy Berglind, back in a moment.
We're just a few hours into Election Day, and already there have been reports of problems at the polls that could affect the outcome. Discussed at election officials across several states are saying that they've been unable to count over 5 million ballots that were clearly used as napkins. OBR ballot manipulation correspondent Rebecca Neal joins us now with more.
Hello, Rebecca. Hi, Leslie.
So, Rebecca, why exactly are these ballots being rejected? Well, Leslie, officials say that the ballots in question have been unmistakably used by voters either to wipe their faces or to clean up a spill, and have been described by poll workers as nothing short of nasty as hell. I spoke to New York election official Dana Lawson, who explained the problem. The rules are very clear. Ballots have to be filled out with blue or black ink and legible. But unfortunately, a substantial number of ballots turned in are caked in food particles and dried liquids, making them unreadable.
Look at this one, smeared with pizza grease and toothpaste and is that orange juice? This is disgusting. And in addition to hundreds of thousands of ballots covered in either chili, sweet and sour sauce, and or mud, another 20% of the ballots are believed to have been used to crush a bug like a spider or a millipede. Ah, that's certainly revolting.
But, Rebecca, why can't pollers just wipe off the crud and carry on with accounting? That's exactly what many politicians across the nation are calling for. They want to see these ballots scraped off, wrung out, and sanitized because every American has a right to have their voice heard. But unfortunately, it might be too late to do anything about it for this election. Well, they do have a point.
I, for one, didn't know that I couldn't mop up spilled milk with my ballot or spit my gum into it. Well, it's important to read the fine print, Leslie, and many say the confusion comes from each state having different rules for their ballots. Missouri and Kansas, for instance, will accept ballots that have barbecue sauce stains on them, but no cheeses or condiments. California, on the other hand, will accept a ballot no matter what kind of vile condition it arrives in.
Right. And I hear that Oregon was one of the only states actually prepared for these problems. Yes, Oregon has been using the vote-by-mail system for a while now, and they automatically send a few real napkins in the envelope along with the ballot for the voter to use. Good idea.
But what should voters do if they've already blown their nose into their ballot? Is there still time to head to the polls and vote in person? Yes, and election officials are encouraging it, though you should be prepared to wait in line.
We are hearing reports that many polling sites are experiencing shortages of electronic voting machines after thousands of voters apparently spilt their little chocolate pudding cups all over them, causing them to malfunction. Too bad. And how many ballots do officials think could be discarded by the end of tonight? It's tough to say, but there could be millions more sticky, crumpled-up ballots out there that may not be counted, and that could sway the election. We've even been hearing unconfirmed reports that poll workers may be dumping whole ballot boxes just based on the horrific smells coming out of them. Though election officials are saying that they are making every effort to pry apart ballots that are stuck together, it's really a race against time the crustier they get.
Here's Dana Lawson again. Oh, God. We are doing everything we can to make sure every vote counts, but oh, my God, this is a bad one. It's spoiled milk.
And there'sall that kind of monster would spit their gum out in their ballot. Let me see the envelope. LesLeslieLeslie Pro Ah, well, I wish them luck in their fight to uphold democracy, and for her sake, I hope everyone in Ms. Lawson's precinct was properly stocked up on toilet paper. Well, fingers crossed.
That's OPR's Rebecca Neal, back in a moment. Good thing you're already lying down, because we have some news that's been sending shockwaves throughout your hippocampus. A new report released today has found that you've slept through your alarm, and this right now is all a dream. We're joined by OPR chief subconscious correspondent and your third-grade teacher, Ms. Edna Martin.
Thanks for joining us, Ms. Edna. Oh, it's no problem at all, Leslie. And I mean literally, I am not an actual person, so it required no work for me to get here.
Right. So first off, wow, this is incredible. We're essentially just figments of the listener's imagination. You got that right. Everything you, the listener, remembered doing this morningwaking up, brushing your teeth, eating breakfastwas all imagined. This episode of The Topical you're listening to is, in fact, entirely the creation of your brain firing neurons at random.
In the real world, you overslept and are actually still in bed snoozing away without a care in the world. Wow, what a moron. So what exactly transpired here? What were the events leading up to this mistake?
Well, you see, listener, you set your alarm for 7.20 a.m. last night. But you were so tired from staying up late fucking around on your phone, you slept right through it and are currently in your seventh REM cycle. It's actually 11 a.m. right now.
Everyone is trying to get ahold of you, but unfortunately, it's too late. You've already been fired from your job. Oh, look, there it goes again.
But alas, you're not waking up, and we're still here. Man, you really are a heavy sleeper.
So I'm guessing the person dreaming this must be somewhat of an embarrassment to everyone around them, no? Oh, definitely. I spoke to a few of their acquaintances, and they said that exact thing. Here's your father, for example, who is screaming at you metaphorically from across the Grand Canyon.
And your old dog, Max. Why did you let me get hit by that car? You should have been watching.
And even me, your third-grade geometry teacher, Ms. Edna, who is also naked, I should add. Good news! Surprise test, everyone. Wow, Ms. Edna, this is truly some... Whoa! Ms. Edna, we're flying!
That's right. We're not bound by any laws of logic, physics, or time. Isn't that cool? Check it out. Look, I'm a baby! And now, we're on the beach. And I'm a giant slice of pizza. Oh, yum. You see, Leslie, we're just the product of axons firing off of the listeners' dopamine pathways. Anything is possible.
That's amazing! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my teeth are falling out!
Now, Leslie, calm down. Let's not turn this into a nightmare. Let's just grow you some new ones. Whoa! Thank God.
Now, Ms. Edna, I know there's a lot of debate over whether or not dreams have any inherent meaning. Does this conversation we're having right now mean anything? Well, Leslie, it's a tough question. The listeners' ex is here, so it seems like they might be dealing with some unresolved feelings. Couldn't we give it another shot?
Or are you that committed to ending up alone? But on the other hand, their ex is also riding a dragon.
Whoa! Easy now, girl.
So it might all just be nonsense. It's hard to tell. Either way, there is one truth we can all be certain of.
You should have set a backup alarm. Seriously, rookie mistake, you dipshit.
Oh, Ms. Edna, before you go, how far back does this dream actually go? Was this week's election real, or was it just part of the dream? Oh, no, that hasn't happened yet. It's just part of the dream.
Too bad. Well, thanks for the report, Ms. Edna. Up next, some weird incest stuff, so better hope you wake up quick. Yahoo! Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you. The bad news is you're still asleep, but the good news is you were somehow able to will your way out of the weird incest portion of the dream and make it all the way to a far more desirable portion of your slumber.
Oh, yeah. That's right.
You've always had a thing for podcast hosts. And now it's just me and you. So why don't you come a little closer and let me tell you everything you need to know today. And I do mean everything. You can stop just because this YouTube video has. For even more on all the worst things happening in the world right now, listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
SaturdayNightLive | pirates_convention_saturday_night_live | Don't settle down! settle down! Ahoy, Mateys! I welcome ye to the 4th Annual National Pirates Convention. I be your moderator, Redbeard Peach. We'd first like to thank the good people of the Milwaukee Holiday Inn for the accommodations. not our first choice, but there be no vacancy at our favorite hotel, the Ritz-car-roulton! Ahhhh! I'd like to welcome my first mate, Dinkins, to the stage for Roll Call. Roll Call! Arthur! Ahoy! Bartholomew! President of Counting Fire! Ted! here! Alright, that's good. we don't need a roll call. First order of business, picking a location for next year's convention. any ideas? Arkansas! maybe, anyone else? Madagascar! Nice one. Boston! Boston's kind of an odd choice, sir. bear with me. we can drive there, and when we arrive, we can park the car in the Harvard Yard!
And it is, alright. it be time to bring out our keynote speaker. I think he all will be pleased. Dinkins, do the honors. I, joining us today is film and stage star.
Peter Sarsgar! Sarsgar! Oh, Sarsgar! you can call me Peter.
No, thank you. Okay, uh, well, it's an honor to be here. I don't know a lot about pirate culture, but when my agent called me about this convention, I immediately said yes. I'm always up for experiencing new things, so I hope to learn as much from you guys as you may learn from.
Alright, time for Q&a. Who be havin' a question for Sarsgar? Yes, yes.
Do ye be knowin'' what the film Wedding Crashers was rated? Not off the top of my head, but I think there was nudity, so maybe it was rated R. rrrrrrrrr!
You've worked with a lot of talented actors over the years. have ye ever worked with cross-stressing Corporal Clinger from M.a.s.h. you mean Jamie Farr? rrrrrrrrrrrr! No, I've never worked with him.
Okay. what be the name of the best website to see people make love to barnyard animals? I don't know. uh, maybe Animalloveclub.com?
Oh, not that one. how you was thinking? Love in the Barnyard dot Argh! Argh! Argh! what, be the name of that first one again? that's Animal.
Club.com. .com. Thank you.
What be your favorite food chain? that specializes in roast beef sandwiches. Arby's? Arby's!
Okay, all right. I think I see what's going on here. you guys don't know anything about me, do you? The only reason you have me here is because my name has a bunch of R sounds in it. No way, stars, stars! really? we are big fans of what you do. okay. name one thing I've done. well. see, I knew it. well, uh, why don't, uh, you name some stuff you've done.
Okay, how about Jarhead? Jarhead! Garden State? Jarhead! that voice don't cry.
Argh! Jar's Guard. we be holding ye an apology. the only reason we brought you here was because you're stars guard. Oh, and now it's time for our musical number. provided by yours Truly, and dink it. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, I, M, N, R! |
TheOnion | Mice_Nature_s_Disposable_Animals_Horrifying_Planet_Ep_11 | The life of the single mouse is a joke. There are so many mice dying constantly that one death is completely negligible. They are the disposable animal. A mouse is eaten.
It is an event that happens millions of times a day, all over the world.
Other mice are wiped out by disease or starvation. This mouse was killed by a hammer. If you collected all the mice that die in one day in New York City, they would weigh 8,000 pounds. If you stacked up an equivalent amount of dead humans, or even mangy dogs, it would be considered an atrocity.
It seems no one has any respect for the mouse.
But then, why should they?
The plankton of mammals. They breed rapidly, they all look identical, and they once spread the plague.
No one has made an estimate of how many mice there are in the world, and why would anyone bother. It would be like counting garbage.
Six sexy Americans, alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This sex house. Welcome to Sex House! |
SaturdayNightLive | sabra_price_is_right_snl | From 47th Street between Broadway and 6th Avenue, you can't miss it. it's Sabra.
Price is right! All right, so let's go with the game then. here is the host, Uri Shulimsson. All right, All right, all right. cool, cool, cool. Yes, yes, welcome, welcome to Sabra. Price is right. I am Uri.
Okay, so we show you beautiful merchandise and new people, you guess Price. So, okay, let's look at first merchandise.
You! I'll guess $25. What, what, what, what you mean? What you mean $25? I don't know.
Well, it's Summit Clock Radio, It's very good merchandise. Okay, we'll sell $35. Oh, $35, I don't believe this. All right, all right. someone else, you, you, you. I don't know, $40. $40 for a clock radio? it doesn't seem like, what's it worth, really? what makes it worth? Over $200. I sell it for less, you see. Okay, $75. Oh, this is an insult insult. Okay, you, you. So, it's more than $75. Yes, yes, and look, at least $150. And how about $80? All right, all right, all right. $80, it's good, it's good. Okay, congratulations. Time Clock Radio, and you give a check to my wife back there.
What's that? I don't want to buy it. Well, what do you mean? you ask for a deal? No, no, no, this is a show. are you ready to make it up? Oh, you'll see, right? get up already. Look, I don't believe this.
So, go back to my wife, go back to my wife. Okay, Abby, we need a new contestant. Okay, so, Jennifer Hughes, come on, let's go. All right, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. All right, So, so, welcome, welcome.
Hi, I'm a teacher from Northport. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this, this we do not care about. just look at the item and guess price, all right?
It's satellite dish from Pinnacle. Pinnacle satellite dish, beautiful for Tv.
Who is guessing, huh? who, you? Let's go, let's go.
I don't think that looks like a satellite dish. what, what, what, you don't think, huh? don't they rotate? Oh, so, now, I have to explain how a satellite works.
Now, come on, come on, this is thousands of dollars. I don't have time. you, you, you. well, thousands?
Yes, yes, of course. it's just I never heard of the company, Pinnacle. Oh, so, Pinnacle is good company inside, the same as Toshiba. Toshiba gots, insane thing.
Oh, that helped me get channels. it won't hurt, you're getting channels, it won't hurt. This is Pinnacle, why should I, no, no, come on, come on, so, make a bid, come on. Okay, 200 bucks. No, no, this is an insult, I quit this game show. 220. All right, price is right, very good, very good. Come on, come on, get up here, let's go, let's go.
I want to buy it. it's already wrapped. it's already wrapped, Yes. it's on the truck. Yeah, well, I don't want to buy it. it's on the truck.
No, no, no, look, you just come back and you speak to my wife, Okay? All right, I mean, that's precise. Okay, so, Kevin Stubbs, come down, let's go. watch him. Go, Go, Go, go Now, go now, Okay. let's see next beautiful item. what are you looking at? Nothing, I'm just standing here, that's all. come on, come on, All right, item, please. he's called this telephone. telephone. So, you are very, very pretty, so let's go out. Oh, I'm really here more.
No, you don't want to go out? come on, let's go. we'll go disco. You go disco? come on, let's go. let's go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, all right. we'll go disco.
All right, cordless telephone, beautiful, cordless telephone. All right, who is guessing? come on, let's go, let's go.
I got a guess. my buzzer's not working. What, what, what do you mean you're a buzzer? What happened? what happened to your buzzer? what happened? you brought buzzer?
Okay, now you pay for it. pay for it? Yes, yes, you broke, you buy, It's the rule. What am I going to do with a buzzer from a game show?
Well, why did you push so hard? you pushed so hard. why did you push so hard? you don't have to push so hard. you just stop, see, you just stop, see, all you're doing. But you, you push, you brag it, you brag it.
Okay, come on, you go speak to my wife. that's a brand new buzzer. I thought this was supposed to be. The price is right. the Sabra price is right. it's the same thing. What happened to Bob Barker? same, I am same person, All right, all right. all right, new contestant of it. All right, so Eric Stegman. come down, let's go. Now, you look familiar.
Yeah, well, I'm really just here to return something. What, what, what do you mean, What, what, what return?
Well, I won this Cd player. Yes, yes, Beautiful, Yes. Yeah, well, it costs $500, right? I checked around, okay, and it retails at $260.
Right, we are, we are not retailed.
Yeah, okay, yeah, and it doesn't work. Also, you said it had Sony Guts. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. what I said was, is like Sony Guts. no, no, sorry, no, no, no. no, no, okay, well, what is your point? when did you drop it?
No, no, I didn't drop it, Okay. it's not even a Cd player. it's a child's band. Well, no, this is what I told you. I said it's a display model, guys. Oh, no, no, no, you didn't tell me, no. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I didn't, no, no, no, no. I remember what I told you. I told you it was a child's band, not with a Cd.
I remember the stick thing. look, look, look, you are here to play the game. I'll be next item, please. Microwave from Ge is General Electric. very good.
So, when are we going to Disco? Oh, uh, we're not going. What do you mean? to Disco?
All right, Microwaves. very expensive. who is guessing? hey, uh, what happened to the cordless phone?
Oh, all right. look, look, look. just take it, Ok? just take it, take it. you win, you win. Yes, ok. go, go, go, go, out. Yeah, you don't got to touch it. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. All right, Avi. next person.
Khalid Abdel Aziz.
Ooh, what? What is this?
All right. how did you get to play? I am an audience. All right, Ok.
Microwave. $20. What do you mean $20? This is Microwave. you are crazy. This is General Electric Microwave.
I don't want to play. |
cracked | is_a_thousand_miles_by_vanessa_carlton_about_dennis | Is Vanessa Carlton's A Thousand Miles about Dennis? This past Sunday marked the 22nd anniversary of the release of A Thousand Miles. Zula Bop. And all these years later, Twitter has been abuzz trying to figure out who the song is about. Specifically, there's a fun little conspiracy theory that it's about It's Always Sunny's Glenn Howerton. Basically, in a Vice documentary video, Vanessa mentions that the iconic song is about a college classmate that she had a crush on who's a famous actor now. Vanessa and Glenn both went to Juilliard, the NYU performing arts school that has more famous people come out of it than any other school in the country. Don't call me on that. And information about who was in the classes is surprisingly very public, so one Redditor was able to narrow it down. According to this breakdown, it could have been Glenn Howerton, Wes Ramsey, Stephen Boyer, Jeffrey Carlson, Anthony Mackie, or Lee Pace. But the part of her description where she says a famous actor make people believe it could only be Glenn Howerton, Lee Pace, or Anthony Mackie. Can we have a Mamma Mia type thing where we invite them all to an island and figure out who it is? |
cracked | do_you_remember_green_ketchup | Do you remember green ketchup? The year is 2000 and Heinz is on top of the world maintaining control of 50% of the ketchup market but like Icarus, they decide to fly even closer to the sun. An idea for ketchup that comes in different colors and has a nozzle small enough for kids to draw with is developed and released under the name EZ Squirt. Every kid's dream is to dunk their lukewarm boiled hotdog into purple goo so sales immediately shoot through the roof. Raines said that they were on track to ship in the first 90 days but they were expected to sell in the first year. More colors are added like green, teal, orange, and blue and pink in case you want to have the grossest gender reveal party of all time. In 2001 they even teamed up with the movie Shrek and threw his face on the bottle. You may remember they didn't exactly taste like ketchup. That's because chemicals were added to the base ketchup to remove the red color so that they could be dyed into different colors and it changed the taste. Eventually the novelty wore off and kids didn't want their fries to look like they just got slimed at the Kids' Choice Awards. So the product was removed from shelves in 2006. |
cracked | the_penultifirst_episode_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with the Pimalta first. This is episode number 40 And we are way overdue to dip into the old mailbag and see what you guys think So I'm gonna get into it here. This first email is from Gern. Gern writes, dude, you've done like a year of this How are you still the new guy at Cracked?
Aren't you like the old guy the old guy the old guy the old guy the old guy the old guy the old Yes, Gern. I am the old guy now And I knew this day would come.
I realized long ago that positioning oneself as the new guy presents a paradox I realized that if I maintained weekly consistency, I would cross a threshold into non-newness after enough time Yet I realized this inevitability might yet be Evitable so I filled my off-off hours and the margins of our adventures with the detritus of my research and my labors I over many months have constructed the solution for permanent new guy newness Okay, I have constructed a quantum leap looping time machine The meaning of any shared experience is that it ends and I cannot thank you enough for filling our shared experience with 1,278 emails several pieces of tangible mail and And Some YouTube comments. I I didn't count them because I don't read them So I know that in the real world nothing can be new forever, but we're not in the real world We're in the internet a place where dreams are real and sticks are dinosaurs Jeez, and if we can communicate across an entire planet truly we can fix the whole Entropy thing, you know in a sense I will be old but in a sense I will always be new because I've got my destination picked out come see me any time you want because I am so grateful for Every time we've seen Hi YouTube, I'm Alex and right now the whole crack team is in Nashville, Tennessee Nobody's told me why or anything, but I figured with the office so empty. Why not give you guys a minute behind the scenes |
cracked | why_superhero_names_are_difficult | I'm thinking of tweaking my superhero name a little bit. It's like changing it. Yeah. Blast Man's not great. Yeah, and I figure I'm not a big enough superhero yet that it's going to be confusing for anyone if I switch. So, from now on, call me White Blast Man.
Nah, I can't do that. Why? Nah. Why?
You kept the Blast Man part, the dumb part, and you added white to it. You added a bad part to the dumb part. Why is white bad? I added it because I'm white. We all know why you added it. So why is it bad? Tell me what's bad.
It's, you just, you can't. It's a race thing. Are you saying I'm a racist? I'm saying it is almost definitely racist. Your behavior is. No. Blackface is racist. What I'm doing is the opposite of that. I am leading with my whiteness. The situation is more nuanced than how you're making it.
All of the black superheroes get to have black in their name. Black Panther, Black Goliath, Black Lightning, Black Bull. Black Bull is actually white. They call him that because his real birth given name is Black Agar, bolt-a-gon.
True story? That is garbage, yeah. You know, but the point still stands. Black Lightning isn't called racist because he calls himself Black Lightning. So why am I racist if I come out and say, hey, it's me? White Blast Man. Explain to me the difference in the logic of the naming. I can't. You're making, the points that you're making follow a logical pattern, but you're still wrong somehow. I can just feel it. You know, I'm doing it in the interest of full disclosure. I want people to know what they're getting. That's almost definitely probably racist. Explain to me why. I don't know how to. Racism is hard. You don't need to qualify that you're a white superhero because it's assumed that you are. Because I don't know.
Probably in the early days of superheroes, most of the heroes were only white. And then when black superheroes showed up, they needed to identify themselves as such because it was a new thing for a while. They wanted to prep people, so they knew they were getting a black superhero.
I guess. That was so long ago. I have nothing to do with it. I understand why I have to dig. Guys. Nothing. Right? Good talk.
See you around, black razor. It's just razor, actually, blast man. Not black razor. Just razor.
Oh, no. Hey! It happens. Good talk. That's not great.
I think I'm just going to go with blast man. Just go with blast man. |
cracked | explaining_all_the_a_nightmare_on_elm_street_movies | Gah! Ah, sh**, I fell asleep! That's why you gotta use name brand now. You're gonna watch all the A Nightmare on Elm Street movies and explain them, bitch. Then I'll let you wake up, bitch. I think I had to watch all the Saw movies in this basement. Yes, that's why I picked it, bitch. I know! I'm just saying! Jeez, sorry, bitch. I had a hard-on this morning when I woke up, Tina.
Alright, so the A Nightmare on Elm Street series opens on a truly horrifying image of a very messy workbench. And a man with severe asthma built himself knife gloves, and I'm assuming he's gonna use to chop up a salad later. Say your prayer, Simpson. Cut from there to a title card I'm sure would have Paul my graphic designer dad, followed by an immediate murder of like a tent.
We then see a woman running in her underwear through what appears to be a wet Steelers player tunnel, probably trying to get away from the recently retired and bored Big Ben. When she encounters a laughing sheep, we also catch a few glimpses of some a**hole wearing a fedora. Probably on his way to meet Big Ben for a double date.
Anyway, somehow the woman, who's really more of a girl, ends up in a boiler room. You know how you're always ending up in boiler rooms in your pajamas and then some more fabric gets murdered? Then she's attacked by a guy, and I think the synth player slips and accidentally hits some sci-fi sounds instead of horror sounds?
The girl wakes up and her mom comes in and is like, you okay? Tina? Tina's like, yeah, I guess so. And the mom is like, well, you should trim your nails because you frickin' shredded your pajamas. Then a creepy man walks in and is like, can you stop talking to your daughter, please?
It's like 3am and I want to plow you. You know, because the French call 3am the plowing hour. Or like, le plowing hour.
Cut from there to some girl's jumping rope and singin' a song that begins with one, two Freds coming for you, which is very specific. Then Tina hops in a car with some cool kids, including Johnny Depp, dressed like a crypto bro. And his girlfriend Nancy. Tina confesses that she had a pretty scary dream last night, and then this guy Rod sneaks up behind her and confesses that he is appropriately named. Because he has an erection. But then Tina says that Rod has a small Rod and he says, up yours with a twirling line board. He leaves and Nancy says that she had a nightmare too, and Tina says maybe that means there will be an earthquake. Maybe. Hey look, a weird head hanging from a shelf. So now it's night again. And Tina has convinced Nancy to spend the night in case she has a nightmare and or an earthquake. Johnny Depp is also there thanks to an elaborate ruse involving airplane sounds. Apparently Tina's mom is out of town, which is why this is all possible. Tina and Nancy realize they both had a dream about a guy with a weird face and finger knives, but like everybody has dreams like that. But oh no!
They hear something outside and they send Depp to go look and he's like, yeah, I'm gonna go beat it up. But what does he think is out there, his wife? Or would his wife beat him up? Where do we land on that? Somebody...
It doesn't matter. Apparently, the question is irrelevant because Rod is out there and he wants to show Depp his Rod-like erection. He's just... he's so hard. Rod's also carrying a prosthetic hook hand for no apparent reason because I guess that's just the thing high schoolers carry around sometimes. And then when Depp acts annoyed, Rod pulls a knife on him because I guess high schoolers are lunatics sometimes. Rod then essentially kidnaps Tina and has sex with her, which is weird, but I guess... they're dating? I hope. When Depp, getting carried away in the amorous moment, propositions Nancy, but Nancy says they can't because they're not here for them. They're here for Tina. Specifically, they're here to listen to Tina and Rod go at each other like wild animals because high schoolers are great at sex, apparently. This makes Depp say, Roddy sucks. But like, what is even happening?
Why would they not be allowed to have sex because they're here for Tina? She's literally having sex elsewhere in the house. Is it actually important for them to listen to the sex in case Tina falls asleep and has a nightmare somewhere in the middle of the sex and is not having sex like the moral thing to do in that instance? If they did have sex, would they be even louder than Tina and that'd make Tina try too hard with her sex and then she'd pass out and have a nightmare?
That must be it. Glad I could clear that up for you guys. Also cleared up, we now know who's going to survive to the end of the movie. And spoiler, it's not the girl getting plowed so hard she can barely formulate sentences. Jungle man, fix Jane. We...
I mean, serial killers hate premarital sex, I've heard. Anyway, once Tina and Rod finish with their guttural throat screaming, everybody goes to bed. In Nancy's room, somebody attempts to break through the wall like Ace Ventura out of Rhinoceros's asshole but can't quite push hard enough. Tina for her part wakes up and decides, hey, I know I asked all these people to spend the night with me because of my terrifying nightmares and I secretly sort of think they might be based in reality, but you know what? I think I'm just going to wander through the neighborhood in my pajamas without a bra.
And during her floppy travels, Tina stumbles upon a man whose arms are a bit longer than you'd expect and who runs like a two-year-old chasing the neighbor's cat. It appears Tina will get away, but then the scary man pulls this classic trick. He says her name. So Tina stops, running from the man with the knife blades, and turns around. Then the man cuts his own fingers off and jumps her. Damn. He is clever.
Rod wakes up to Tina thrashing and bleeding and getting thrown on the ceiling and shit, but Rod thinks fast and sort of awkwardly holds out his hand from like 10 feet away and kind of whimpers Tina's name a few times like a goddamn superhero. And even though all the screaming and thumping still kind of sounds like sex, I guess Nancy and Depp are so, you know, finely tuned to what it normally sounds like when Tina and Rod have sex, they know something's going wrong. So they run in, but Rod is gone and Tina is looking ROUGH. The next day the cops get involved, one of whom is Nancy's dad, who has evidently divorced her mom, bringing the number of characters from broken homes up to two. They think Rod killed Tina, which is fair, but Nancy says she doesn't think so and her mom is like, you don't think murder is serious.
God, mom. Obviously that's not what she meant. You idiot. Go home. The next day, Nancy goes to school despite her mom saying maybe she shouldn't. And now Nancy is dressed kind of like a crypto bro.
Rod leaps from a bush and grabs her and says he didn't do it and that he's not a food cake or something. I think you've got bigger problems than people thinking you're a fruit cake Rod. And if you're so worried about that, you should probably consider putting on a shirt, you fruit cake. But then cop daddy and the other cops show up and arrest Rod.
Then Nancy just kind of goes to school as if everything that just happened was totally normal. Bye Rod. So now Nancy's in an extremely diverse English class, both in ethnicity and puberty levels.
Like, how old is that freaking kid? How old is the kid behind him?
Is this a dream? Anyway, they're talking about Shakespeare, which naturally knocks Nancy right the hell out. And she wakes up to see Tina in a bag.
Nancy thinks that's kind of cool. So she follows the blood trail left by her bag friend. But in the hallway, she runs into a hall monitor who reveals a knife glove. But Nancy's not super worried about this either. Just sort of keeps walking.
She ends up in the basement and there are more space sounds because I guess those were scary in 1984. The tragedy of the shuttle challenge. Then the creepy dude shows up and slices his own nipple open, which was definitely scary in 1984. He chases Nancy to the fattest beat 1984 had to offer, and the dude says, come to Freddy.
Which is presumably his name and not like a local club where he's doing an open mic next week. Regardless, Nancy doesn't want to talk to him anymore, so she burns herself on a pipe and wakes herself up back in the English class. And then she goes home because I guess you could just leave school.
In 1984. But like, why would you? I always skipped third period to go to Chipotle, but that definitely didn't exist in 1984. So where would you even go?
They don't even have Xboxes. Well, apparently, because there's no Chipotle or Xbox, she doesn't even have Xboxes.
She goes to see Rod in prison, which is almost as fun. But unfortunately, he's been given a shirt in prison, so he's all, shirt it up. And he's like, oh yeah, I had a nightmare about this Freddy fella too.
And Nancy says, okay. Then she goes home and takes a bubble bath.
And despite her mother's insistence that hundreds of people a year drown in their bathtubs while asleep, Nancy, Nancy falls asleep and almost drowns in the bathtub after her vagina grows knives and pulls her under the surface. That exact thing happens to literally hundreds of people every year. And nobody's talking about it. It's in the newspaper. They're all growing vagina knives and drowning. No one's listening to me. The town crier from 1984. Thankfully, her mom is a career criminal and or pervert, and she picks the lock to the bathroom before her daughter is drowned by her sharp vagina.
Nancy is convinced that she needs to stay awake now. So she takes these stay awake drugs. They're just meth, right? Call it whatever you want, but I know meth when I see it. And I get why she's taking meth and trying to stay awake. What's the long term plan here? She can't stay awake forever. Not unless that meth is way better than the meth I've been using to stay awake so as to not be murdered in my dreams by some asshole in a fedora.
Anyway, Depp sneaks into her room and mocks her for freaking out in English class, even though they both witnessed the aftermath of her best friend's insane horrific murder like 24 hours ago. So maybe it's not that crazy that she's having bad dreams, but Nancy ignores her whole boyfriend and comes up with a legitimately decent plan. She's going to fall asleep and go looking for Freddie and Depp can watch her and wake her up as she starts flipping out or bleeding from her bits. So that's what they do. But if she's lucid in her dreams enough to go find a dude, then why are things crazier? She's still just wandering around in her pajamas in her actual real neighborhood. Why isn't she riding a unicorn sporting rocket launchers at Kimbo? Or if she doesn't have the power to do that, then why doesn't Freddie have that power? Also, also, if this is her dream, then why is Johnny Depp also in it?
Is he awake or asleep? How is she talking to him? And is that getting to him in reality?
Whatever. Nancy wanders around and see some weird things and then Freddie starts chasing her. And I don't care what year it is. How could anybody find this music scary? Then Nancy's feet sink into some steps. So, OK, that's like a dream hallucination thing.
And Freddie and her eventually tussle and he really isn't significantly stronger than all these literal female children he's always wrestling. Eventually, she's awoken by an alarm because Depp fell asleep. Then there's a weird cut and suddenly they're fully dressed and running to the jail because Nancy thinks Freddie is going to murder Rod. She's not wrong because Rod's bedsheets, evidently tired of, you know, get creamed on, sneak up and just hang him. The cops run in right as he's being pulled up, though.
So, I mean, how long could he have been without air? Like four seconds? Is that enough to kill you? It's not like he broke his neck like a real hanging.
Rod's a wussy. Anyway, at the wussy's funeral, they think he killed himself because of his sadness over the whole murdering Tina thing. And the pastor says, he who lives by the sword dies by the sword. But realistically, the phrase in this instance should be, he who lives by the nightclubs dies by the creamed bedsheets. Pretty sure that's also in the Bible.
Nancy's parents send her to a sleep disorders clinic so that she'll stop waking up during lip-powering hour. And of course, she's attacked in her sleep. Upon waking, her arm is inexplicably cut.
And she's a fedora now, the most inexplicable of fashion choices. This tells her that she can take things from the dream and bring them back into the real world. And all she brought back was a hat?
I want a rocket launcher unicorn. Damn it.
The next day, Nancy tells her mom, yeah, that dude is named Fred Krueger because apparently he's that unique type of asshole who puts their name on their fedora. And her mom is like, I'm an alcoholic. And slaps Nancy.
She tells Nancy to go to sleep. And Nancy says what I say every time I finish another episode of The Expanse and my wife tells me to go to bed. Go to sleep.
She and Deb hang out on a bridge. And he tells her that she needs some dream skills. And she's like, what I need to do is study the 1990 classic film that hasn't come out yet Home Alone, because I'm going to booby trap that spiky fingered son of a gun. He's a home security system. She returns home. And her mom has apparently installed bars on every window in just like the past six hours.
And meanwhile, I'm still waiting for a contractor to build the fence I paid for in August 2019. Any day now.
Nancy's mom invites her into the basement, explains, OK, yes, so I know Freddie. He murdered 20 kids. And then he got off because of a technicality during the trial. So me and a bunch of other parents burn his ass alive. Look, here are his gloves. See, he can't hurt you in your dreams because mommy killed him. Is it crazy that my mom and I had this exact conversation when I was in high school?
Cut to Johnny Depp dressed like he's just asking to get fingered to death by a serial killer. What a lie. Nancy invites him over to try the same wake me up plan from earlier. But this time, she's going to grab Kruger into the real world with her so Depp can beat him to death with a baseball bat or something. Also, she's making booby traps. No, not that kind of booby trap, you pervert. Although then again, she does apparently want Depp to help her. Nailing the guy.
So maybe it's both. Oh, hey, Dave. Yeah. Uh, uh, uh, your mom? She's so dumb. I bet she. Want to open the security store? What? Got him.
Oh, also, Depp says that he's not a fruitcake.
Like, I guess that just meant crazy in 1984? Man, 1984 was fruit cakey. 1984.
So Nancy says, meet me at midnight. But Depp falls asleep again. Like he's one of Jesus disciples on the night he was betrayed. And as punishment, Depp gets sucked into the bed and explodes into a fountain of blood. Because that's how dreams were. Garden of Gethsemane would have gone very differently if disciples were exploding left and right. Believe you, me.
Meanwhile, Nancy accidentally unplugs her phone, but it's still ringing. So she answers it, and it licks her. Sure seems like she's asleep, but she never wakes up after this point. So, like, straight from there, she runs around setting booby traps and screaming at her dad to come wake her up at exactly 1230 because she needs him to grab Freddie now that her plan A is old faithful, but with corn syrup. Then Nancy tucks in her drunk ass mom who tells Nancy that she faces things. That's Nancy's nature, which I guess is true.
And then Nancy sets an alarm for 1230, and she puts on pajamas? She's about to go battle a serial killer in a nightmare dream world, and she decides she's going to do it in her pajamas? Can she just not fall asleep in jeans or like a Kevlar vest? If not, well, then that solves your falling asleep problem. Whatever, her jammies are so comfy she does fall asleep, and she looks for Krueger for forever and hears a lot of extremely terrifying sounds and gets chased around for a while until her alarm goes off and she presumably pulls Krueger into the real world.
Oh, yeah, there he is. They run around, and she traps him with a few boobies like this sledgehammer in the gut and a literal explosion, which somehow still doesn't do enough to attract the attention of the cops, literally across the street. This is my house. I have to defend.
And eventually she locks Freddy in the basement and sets him on fire. Then she goes and gets her dad, but they see fiery footprints leading upstairs, which they follow to reveal an on-fire Freddy giving it to Nancy's mom. Must be 3 AM. The dad thinks fast and covers them both with a blanket to put the fire out and hopefully put out his knife fingers in his day. Unfortunately, this transforms the mom into a drunken Disney's haunted house animatronic, and she sinks into the bed. Then Nancy kicks her dad out of the room so she can talk to Freddy one-on-one, well, after he comes out of the bed sheet, of course.
And she tells him that he can't have her power. She wants it back. You know, her dream power.
Freddy is like, I know, and he dissolves. And then we cut to the next day, and everybody's shiny and happy, and Nancy's mom and friends are alive, but then the kids are all kidnapped by Freddy Krueger as a car, because obviously this movie is in the transformer verse, and Nancy's mom is sucked through a window. Sort of like the ending to Friday the 13th, except it has no time to breathe and allow the audience to feel safe. It knows that you know it was always not going to end happy, so it just gets the obligatory, oh, actually the bad guy won, ending over with as quickly as possible, so as not to waste too much film.
Because the scariest part of this movie is its efficient use of budget. Only 1.1 million? And with half of that budget, probably going to Freddy's gorgeous sweater? Terrifying. You are way too wet.
All right, well, how about I talk about ExpressVPN? You know, since if you go to expressvpn.com slash cracked right now, you could get 49% off a 12 month plan, plus three months free. Oh, do you mean that VPN that keeps all your information super secure and also has servers in like over 90 countries and works on basically every device? The one and the same. Did you know that despite all those great things you just said, you can literally use ExpressVPN to watch movies and shows on streaming services like Netflix that are blocked in your country? Can you give me an example of how that would work?
I totally can, but I don't currently have my accounts set up and it's not running. So I'll just do it later with VO. I'll do it right now.
All right, so if you get on Netflix in America, you can see, oh no, I can't watch Twin Peaks. That's my favorite show I think. I can't know for sure because I've never seen it because again, I'm in America and we don't have Twin Peaks. But if you quit out of Chrome entirely, open up ExpressVPN, switch the country to Brazil, then go back, open Netflix, look for Twin Peaks.
Boom, it's there. Now you can watch all the freaky things and it's literally, it's as easy as that. Wow, that's great. I'm gonna sign up right now. Perfect, and I'm gonna get a towel so I can keep things moving. How do you like that, man?
Anyway, the second film opens on a school bus being driven by a kindly fella and a scratchy title card followed by a metallic title card claiming that this movie is all about Freddy's revenge. A nervous, sweaty dweeb sits on the back of the bus and is mocked by a couple of hotties by 80 standards and they're presumably making fun of how his shorts are nowhere near as short as the other boy's short shorts. And then the dweeb tries to open the window so he can crawl out while the bus is still moving. That'd be fast. Then the bus driver just friggin' guns it. Within seconds, they're driving off-road through the Ohio desert. The bus screeches to a halt and it appears about to be eaten by a Sarlacc, but no, it's just an endless pit of death with absolutely zero dentata, unfortunately. The driver naturally becomes Freddy Krueger and kinda freaks out dweeb in the hotties which is a great band name, but then we cut to a cut tomato.
Upstairs, the dweeb wakes up from what was apparently the wettest dream of all time. The dude, named Jesse, is absolutely friggin' soaked. Like, that dream must have rocked. More like Nightmare on These Sheets, am I right?
Anyway, he gets up and adjusts his presumably very empty dick and heads downstairs where his sister offers some cereal but Jesse is an asshole and yells at her. Or maybe he's just socially conscious because the cereal is called Foo Man Chews. Nobody likes a smart ass buddy boy.
What is that? A.C., maybe? Me talking about that empty dick made the A.C., come on.
Then a girl named Lisa shows up at the front door and he's kind of an asshole to her too. The asshole drives Lisa to school in an old convertible he calls the deadly dinosaur which I'll tell you right now is a way better name for a horror movie. At school, Jesse and a kid named Grady get into a fight after Grady exposes Jesse's butthole to the entire student body. That gets his rocks off like this. It's no big deal though and they go hang out in the boy's locker room where an ancient janitor decides now is a perfect time to clean and or maybe see some exposed boy buttholes. And then Grady asks Jesse if he's from around here because I guess the public schools in the 80s sometimes included students commuting from the Amazon or something. But surprisingly, Jesse says, yeah, I actually live nearby in the house from the last movie and Grady's like, damn, that's where a girl went crazy after her boyfriend died. Anyway, then Jesse wakes up sweaty again, throws on what appears to be an inside out scrub top, goes downstairs, breaks some orange juice and then goes outside to inspect a noise, leaving the fridge door wide open. Man, everything Jesse does is dickish. Outside, he sees through a window that Freddy is throwing shit into their basement furnace. So Jesse goes back inside and tries to hold close the basement door and yells for his dad. But unfortunately, Grady can't help you now. Freddy asks Jesse if he could do some murder for him, please. The next day, this science teacher slaps some meat on a table and then Jesse gets attacked by the class snake, which makes the science teacher mad at him for some reason. When Jesse gets home, he attempts to hang out with Lisa, but his dad demands that he go unpack his shitty room. So Jesse stomps upstairs like a little bitch. He just starts throwing shit and disorganized drawers as a sick disc towards his dad. How do you like that, man? Then Jesse gets distracted and dances for a while and pretends this pop thing is his dick until, oops, Lisa shows up. And also his door has a sticker that says no out of town chicks. I think Jesse might be the most unlikable protagonist ever.
Lisa offers to help him clean his room and like also probably his groin, both because she has the hots for him. And I think his perpetual wetness has apparently given him jock itch. Whilst cleaning the room, not like Jesse's shmegma-coated foreskin, Lisa finds Nancy's diary, which briefly recaps the plot elements from the last movie.
There's another band name for you, Dave. Shmegma-coated foreskin. Well, I don't like that. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh.
Anyway, now our boy is all wetting, except this time his whole room is wet and melting. Once again, Jesse gets up and goes downstairs and finds Freddy's gloves in the furnace. And once again, Kruger is like, no, really, can you help me kill people, please? The next day, Jesse asks Grady if he ever remembers his dreams and Grady is like, I'm gonna do the wet ones. And Jesse's like, that makes sense. My dreams are the wettest in recorded history. It's like Katrina every night. Then at home, their pet bird goes crazy and then explodes and Jesse's dad is like, You're so goddamn cherubah. Cause that makes sense. Then Jesse gets wet again, but this time he decides to really lean into it and wander around in the rain until he finds a gay bar where his wetness will not be questioned and where he orders and receives a beer.
I mean, what did you do when you were in high school and couldn't sleep, play video games? Losers.
It turns out that one of the school's gym teachers is there dressed as a leather daddy. Leather daddy?
Jesse's gimp teacher forces him to run laps and then take a shower. But while Jesse positively soaks his wet new young body, Mr. Fifty Shades of Gay deals with some haunted balls. Eventually, he's grabbed by some jump ropes, dragged into the showers, stripped naked and spanked in the ass to death. It's revealed Jesse is now wearing the Freddy glove and then makes him scream like a woman.
This is a real movie that people make. The next day, it's further revealed. Yeah, Coach died for real. It wasn't just a wet dream. It was a wet reality.
This freaks Jesse out so bad, we cut to him, wet in bed again. Then we pan down to his dick again and also a dresser that's just wriggling with Freddy's glove. Freddy wants Jesse to kill his sister, but he merely wakes her up to show her, Hey, look how wet and nude I am. The next day, Jesse and Lisa drive out to a power plant where Kruger used to work to see if Jesse can feel the connection. Thrillingly, he cannot.
Jesse pounds some meth pills that are just so readily available in this universe and chases them with a nice cold Coke. It's no coincidence. This movie came out the same year they released New Coke. They wanted us to subconsciously think Coke was just as yummy as meth.
And it worked. Yum! We knew that millions would prefer it and millions do.
The next day, Grady, who's drinking like four milks, asks Jesse if he wants to hang out later and Jesse is predictably an asshole. Sup up, Grady. Grady's been mostly nice this entire movie, but I guess Jesse is still sore about the whole butt hole thing.
Anyway, now there's a rager at Lisa's house and her dad man's the grill, which is weird. And Jesse's having no fun despite drinking at least three different meth-infused Cokes. Lisa tries to cheer him up by hooking up with them and letting Jesse squeeze her tits way too hard. But then his tongue gets all weird and big so he runs away crying. Elsewhere, Lisa's parents go to bed so the kids turn this party into a fucking party.
Jesse jumps into Grady's bed and demands he let him spend the night. And specifically, Jesse would like for Grady to watch him while he sleeps, which is pretty hot. And Grady agrees and then just go straight to sleep because this is a world where no teenager can stay awake past 11 p.m. despite widely available and ingested meth. Anyway, Jesse wakes up really needing to shit and then also Freddy sort of busts out of his body like the worst shit and murders Grady because neither he nor his dad can open the damn door.
Then Freddy disappears and it's just Jesse sitting there covered in blood and probably shit and wearing Freddy's glove. He runs away though before the cops show up.
Jesse goes back to Lisa and explains what's going on and she's like, dude, just fight him. She really takes it in stride that Jesse is not crazy and is in fact, actually factually possessed by a dead serial killer. Fortunately, she is correct.
Jesse becomes Freddy again and oh, outside at the pool party, everybody's wieners are literally catching on fire but they still look pretty good. Help yourself, fucker! But yeah, so Freddy tackles Lisa and nibbles her foot a bit and she stabs him but her heart's not really into it because occasionally Freddy whispers with a Jesse voice and then rather than kill Lisa, Freddy jumps through the door and disappears except no, he didn't because now he's running around ruining everybody's fun, sexy pool party. It's right around now that you realize, maybe Freddy Krueger isn't actually very scary at all and then as if anticipating how stupid and shit he looks fully lit, Freddy disappears into a blast of fire for no reason.
So here's a question. What exactly is Freddy's revenge here? In the first movie, you could conceivably make the argument that he was terrorizing the kids of the people who killed him all those years ago but Jesse is brand new to the neighborhood. Even dumber, how does using Jesse to kill people count as revenge? What is he revenging? What is the end game here? What is even what?
I don't know but Lisa tracks Freddy back to the stupid power plant where Freddy is hiding again for no reason at all and she encounters some dogs with baby heads and like an evil cat because there's no metaphor or point or story here. Somebody on the crew just yelled at some point, I think dogs with baby heads are like so freaky and the director was like, oh yeah, also cat. Lisa eventually finds Freddy slash Jesse and she, well, she gives him a big old kiss and tells him that she loves him which is objectively disgusting. Whatever erection this gave, Jesse causes Freddy to sort of melt and catch on fire and after he's done burning, Jesse crawls out of the ashes of Freddy. So we did it team.
And now it's the next day and Jesse's riding another bus but it's obviously a dream. He owns a car, right? Why would he even ride the bus?
But then yeah, Freddy's arm just explodes out of a girl's tits and they're like, back in the infamous Ohio desert, the state is so well known for. So scary if I have dream powers. I doubt it. Told you. What's that? The third movie opens with an Edgar Allen Poe quote because apparently he hated sleeping almost as much as Raven's. Then we get a little card with a subtitle dream warriors. Oh, shit. Looks like we're taking the fight to Freddy for once, baby.
What weapons are we gonna use? Magic swords, dream machine guns, a tank made out of Leonardo DiCaprio or flour and glue. So paper mache, it's cool too, I guess. Also never really thought about how coming paper mache looks until this moment.
Speaking of wet dreams, this thick jizz juice is being spread by a girl who would be asleep and offer spoonfuls of raw coffee grounds and Diet Coke. Then her mom, who probably won't have to put up the red light tonight, busts in and tells her to go to sleep and a strange man from downstairs yells about wanting to plow her. And this is now the second nightmare movie featuring a single mom hooking up with dudes in the middle of the night. They're plowing everywhere comes whether we want to or not.
This movie also features the return of Wes Craven's involvement. So maybe that's just a thing he writes into all his movies. Man loves himself a good milk. It turns out that the daughter named Kristin is using that seamen to craft a diorama version of the Elm Street house.
Seems like a bad idea. Also, before we get too much further, I think it's fair to warn everybody that this third movie deals with a ton of teen suicides. So be warned.
Anyway, Kristin falls asleep and wakes up in front of a full-size, presumably cum-free Elm house. I need to do a cum count. You know what we need is cum count.
It's like Count Chocula. You don't want to eat it.
Anyway, Kristin falls asleep and wakes up in front of a full-size, presumably cum-free Elm house, but in some alternate nightmare universe, complete with creepy singing children and a wee girl on a tricycle. Kristin follows the little girl into the house and eventually down into the basement. But unfortunately, the movie doesn't have the balls to show us this presumably sick-ass scene wherein the little girl careens down the stairs on her trike, because she's still got it downstairs. Of course, the furnace comes on and there are skulls in there and the girl says, Freddy, it's home. So Kristin starts running, but the floor becomes goo again. And then Freddy shows up and there's a bunch of, sorry, this is the, kind of the start of the thing, hanging children, but then she finally wakes up and she's pretty wet, but nothing like the last kid. I think scientists refer to this as a moist dream. Then Kristin lugs her moist ass into the bathroom and ah, shoot, Freddy's in the mirror, causes her to slit her own wrists, which, damn it. Kristin is then committed to a psych ward and we hear on a radio that there's been a whole rash of teen suicides.
The flim, Dave. It's like the cum of the throat. I'm so excited for my daughters to grow up and watch my work.
Anyway, we then see therapist, Neil. Fun fact, all movie therapists are named Neil and he performs a poor man's Sorkin' Walkin' Talk.
He eventually arrives at Kristin. It was not doing so great, but it's all good because, oh, hey, it's Nancy from the first movie. She's back and the costume designer and makeup artists are doing everything they can to make her look like she's not 13 years old. Turns out, Nancy has become a hotshot grad student, specializing in nightmares, naturally. And she heads around the ward meeting the other crazy kids. First, she heads into a room with a helpfully captioned poster.
The United States space program has been doing just that.
In there is a kid named Phillip who makes freaky ass dolls and who everybody, including the staff, call walk because he's sleep walks, you see. Neil's kind of shitty to give a kid a nickname based around a symptom stemming from his psychosis. But I guess it's good that he's not named the bedsh**er or the guy who keeps eating whole sticks of butter in one bite. But to be fair, Phillip immediately mocks his roommate, King Cade, for always being thrown into solitary confinement after outbursts. So I guess everybody in here sucks.
Then Neil heads home to read some 80s text-only porn. He also looks up a drug called Hypnocyl that he saw Nancy take earlier. Turns out it's an experimental drug to help you not dream.
Elsewhere, Kristin is hanging out in bed and witnesses the aftermath of a tricycle hit and run. Oops. Turns out she's asleep and she's back in the Elm House and considering eating a pretty yucky pig meal. She takes too long to decide and instead gets eaten herself by a yucky Freddy worm. While this is going on, Nancy hears Kristin screaming from inside the jizzmashay Elm House and then she falls through her chair into Kristin's dream, as one does. Nancy stabs the Freddy worm in the eyeball and they both wake up.
Turns out Kristin has always been able to do this. And when she was little, she used to pull her dad into dreams. But then her parents got divorced, like everybody's parents in these movies and she forgot about this insanely incredible power because I don't know, capitalism or Facebook or communism or something, the modern world, dammit.
Anyway, here's the rest of the kids. There's Joey, who doesn't talk because he's too busy lusting over the nurses, Taryn, who was a few years too early for reality bites, Will, who is probably a great guy but is also probably pretty terrible at hurdles, and Jennifer, who wants to be an actress and apparently doesn't think a nightmare on Elm Street 3 Dream Warriors is good enough for her. All these kids keep having the same dream about a dude with knife hands trying to kill them.
But the doctors say, nah, you're all just feeling guilty because you all tried to kill yourselves and also because you're all horny. Because I mean, look at you guys. Yummy, yummy, am I right? And then Ken Cade says what I say whenever my penis gets wrapped around my neck in the middle of the night. Great, now that's my dick that's killing me.
After that, Neil and Nancy head on what appears to be a date. I mean, it's either that or a preliminary meeting to feel out whether Nancy's interested in being adopted by the much older Neil.
Philip's creepy dolls transform into creepy Freddy with the creepy power of creepy stop motion. Freddy then becomes true motion and sort of slices open Philip's wrists and feet and pulls them around using his tendons, which the movie never explicitly says hurt but it's definitely implied. Weirdly, to everybody else, it just looks like Philip is sleepwalking in the weirdest possible way. But I thought all the Freddy's woundings manifested in the real world. Why not these wounds? I don't know. But then Freddy tugs Philip out of a window, which that one sticks.
The next day in group, the doctors claim Philip's death was a suicide and Ken Cade agrees because he says that Philip was weak and the other kids say no, it was because of his nightmare. And the doctor says, no, it wasn't. And then Ken Cade gets mad and says the doctors are blowing smoke up his ass because Ken Cade does not know what he was.
By the way, there's a lot of smoking in the psych ward, including kids. Like how old are these kids anyway? Apparently just old enough for this totally rad smoking nurse man.
Elsewhere, Freddy attacks Zaza on the TV and takes over the TV to kill Jennifer. Then we cut to just Jennifer's funeral because I guess Philip wasn't popular enough to have one and Neil sees a creepy white nun and chases her down. She tells him, okay, so the only way to save these kids is to put an unquiet spirit to rest because just like an Arby's, it is an abomination to God. Then she disappears.
Hey, Dave, do you remember my nickname in high school? Yeah, Dave, everybody called you- Malaysian Dream Doll.
Anyway, Nancy explains that Freddy wants revenge on these kids' parents for burning him alive. They are the last of the Elm Street kids, even though I'm gonna guess that's not all he wants, given that there are like six more movies in this franchise.
But anyway, Nancy also claims that each kid has a secret special dream power, like Kristen's ability to pull people in. So to figure out what those powers are, Nancy suggests they group hypnotize everybody to sleep. Initially, they think nothing's happening, but then Neil's balls start going crazy. Apparently, they're all in the same dream, so they show each other their powers.
The kid in the wheelchair can now walk and do magic as the wizard master, a title invented by somebody clearly smashing a couple of shitty nerd words together and calling it a day. And Kristen could apparently also backflip? Thought she already had a power. Why does she get to double dip? I don't know. Kincaid is fairly strong, and Taryn grows a mohawk and has a couple butterfly knives. I guess that's a power.
And Joey's power is apparently getting that puss, because this is the third movie in a long-running horror franchise, and that's when you start cranking up the gratuitous nudity. They did it in Saw, they did it in Final Destination, and they did it in Santa Claus. I mean, they may have cut the Mrs. Claus and Mr. Claus intimacy scenes for time, but I know they were there.
Anyway, this sexy nurse turns into a less sexy Freddy who tongue-ties Joey to the bed, because he can't talk, get it? Then the bed disappears, and Joey hangs over a pit to hell, and you know, seems like they maybe should have kept somebody awake. Literally, the whole group is passed out, meaning that nobody can shake Joey's woody until he wakes up. And because they're the worst planners of all time, Joey ends up in a coma, and Nancy and Neil get fired, which seems completely fair, given the evidence.
On his way out, Neil sees the white nun again, but on the top floors of the ward, so he busts back in and confronts her. She tells him that back in the good old days, a staff member once got stuck in the building with some inmates over holiday weekend, because I guess they just make the patients promise not to escape or do anything bad while they're gone, and she was repeatedly raped and ultimately impregnated.
Naturally, that baby became Freddy, and the only way to defeat him is to ignore science and destroy his bones, because that's their money. In our world, bones equal dollars. Of course, they don't know where Freddy's bones are, so Nancy and Neil go to find Nancy's dad, who just so happens to be getting drunk in a bar. He says he'd prefer not to go dig up the bones of the child serial killer he once set on fire and murder.
Then the kids contact Neil, and it turns out that the doctors are going to sedate Kristen, which would presumably trap her in a dream with Freddy with no chance to escape. I mean, she can pull other people into her dreams with her and also do killer back flips, but they're worried that that won't be enough. And they say, we've been going crazy, which seems like a poor choice of words, given where they're located, but whatever. So Nancy rushes back to the ward while Neil gets real physical with Nancy's dad and forces him to drive? Dude could barely stand five minutes ago. Then again, I'm pretty sure most pickup trucks don't start unless the driver is at least a little buzzed. Anyway, turns out that Freddy's dead boners are buried in an auto salvage yard, which is convenient in the event that the dad crashes because he's driving drunk. Back at the ward, Nancy tells the kids, if you die in the dream, you die for real.
Again, just like Frankie Munez. Fucking sweet. And King Cade says the line that I'm pretty sure the screenwriters thought was extremely cool when they wrote it, but... Let's go kick the motherfucker's ass all over Dreamland.
Nancy hypnotizes everybody, and they immediately appear in Kristen's cell somehow, and are just as immediately attacked by Freddy's feathers? And suddenly we cut back to the first scene with the hot mommy, except, oops. This time, Freddy cuts her head off. No biggie though, she keeps talking, twas a flesh wound. And anyway, Kristen escapes with another dope backflip and dies because dream powers. In a separate dreamscape, Taryn attempts the age-old, lure the undead spirit of a child serial killer with a blade glove towards your leather-clad breast, and then stab him with a couple of tiny-ass butterfly knives and or your massive mohawk trick.
That it doesn't work. Then the wizard master gets attacked by a wheelchair of death before fully transforming into a master wizard and still getting killed, at least if he's about to be eternally judged. He went out on a high note because when Freddy tells him to get in the evil wheelchair, Will very politely says, Oh, thanks. Sweet kid, shitty wizard master. Bad at hurdles. Back in the Elm Street house, King Cade, Nancy, and Kristen reunite and enter an evil door that's appeared in the middle of the room. It doesn't seem like a great idea, but maybe that's why they keep rejecting my application to be a dream warrior. Speaking of, what is Nancy's dream power exactly?
What's that? The door leads to a boiler room with Joey strapped down again. Man, that kid just loves being tied up. Still not sure what his strength is, but we sure know his weakness. What's that? Freddy and Kristen ninja fight a bit and then Freddy reveals his chest is covered in children's soul cell. Do with that what you will.
Then suddenly, randomly, they're no longer in the boiler room, but in a hallway in the mirrors. Freddy attacks them from the mirrors and all seems lost. Meanwhile, in the real world, Neil and Nancy's dad get attacked by Freddy's bones. They immediately kill Nancy's dad and huck Neil in a shallow grave before celebrating and collapsing into a pile again.
Maybe it was just so surprised at how much food there was. You know, because underground there's half as much food as this. All day wants another chance at life. They've never seen so much food as this.
But anyway, back into the mirrors. Joey finally finds his voice and screams and that breaks all the mirrors, which buys them some time.
And then Nancy's dad sort of floats in and is like, hey, I died, but I wanted to briefly say sorry. I've said you should be dead, but oops. Just kidding. It's actually Freddy and he kills Nancy, except oops, not fully. So she stabs Freddy with his own glove and like, I don't know what to believe anymore.
Who is who? Who am I?
Obviously, Freddy's not fully dead, but it's all good because thanks to Freddy's bones, unwillingness to double tap Neil, GQ's sexiest therapist, 1987, he crawls out of the grave, pushes the bones into the grave and then dumps some holy water and a crucifix on the bone. That kills Freddy, I guess. Nancy still appears fully dead, however. And also I assume Beastmaster on wheels and Cyberpunk 1987 both remain dead too. So that's not sure how Neil is gonna explain all this to the cops, but good luck. Also briefly, we learned that none was Amanda Krueger, Freddy's mom, and also she's dead. Also, also, Neil isn't in jail yet by the end of the movie, but a little light comes on in the paper mache Elm House. So it almost seems like Freddy maybe isn't dead either because he's never dead.
Not until he stops putting butts in seats, baby. Oh, what the hell was that? The closest thing we could get to drowning in a water bed. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, sometimes you just work with what you got, you know? Yeah, I hear you, man. Oh, shit, Kristen, not again.
Anyway, Elm Street 4 sees Elm Street's threes. Edgar Allan Poe quote raises it, a full-on Bible quote. This one is from the fourth chapter of Job, which many say is the a nightmare on Elm Street of the Bible.
Speaking of things that are cool, how about the subtitle of this movie, The Dream Master? That sounds cool. But then you realize you only need like three years of eight hours a night's sleep to get your 10,000 hours and become a certified master. Anyway, whatever, way off the rails already.
Here are some close-ups of somebody chalking. It's revealed. This is a literal girl. Hello. Scratching away at a shit-chalk sketch of the Elm House, but right in front of the actual Elm House. Also revealed is the composer's recent discovery of the mod wheel on his synthesizer. A different older girl walks up to the original. Younger girl.
And asks where Freddy is, and the kid is like. He's not home. But then she moves her hand to reveal. A shitty chalk drawing of Freddy? Why is that scary if she literally just asked about Freddy?
Kids are stupid. Now it's suddenly raining. So the stupid girl runs inside the stupid Elm Street house and a tricycle slams down the stairs, just like I assume it did in the third movie, but without concussing the little girl, unfortunately.
Also, here's a baby riding a chandelier. Then the window explodes her ends. Another boiler room. But this one has chains. I don't think I've ever been inside a boiler room, notwithstanding.
The Nora nightmare where a small mean burn victim tries to stab me either, to be fair. And Kristen uses her patented dream power to pull in Kincaid, who isn't thrilled about it.
And Joey, who's kind of ripped now. Looks like he found his voice and the freelance.
Kristen is worried Freddie's alive again, somehow. But counterpoint. Freddie is dead. Kristen is then bit by Kincaid's dog. She wraps up her bleeding, festering, rabies-infused wound and goes to pick up her boyfriend, Ricky, who inexplicably won't use the front door.
And his sister, Alice, who is inexplicably called out for her outfit by their dad. You going out dressed like that? The way he says it implies that he thinks she's dressed like a hooker. But considering she's actually dressed like a Mormon lumberjack, maybe he's just disappointed with her fashion choices.
So they drive to high school and see this tasty number across the parking lot. You know, you are one major league hunk. They also meet up with their other friends, Debbie, who works out a lot, and Sheila, who studies a lot. Because this movie really wants to make sure that I know this 17 year old girl has basically three times as many friends as I'll probably have in my entire life.
Debbie insults a boy with a confounding small penis burn combined with a jerk-off motion that is truly inscrutable. I bet you're the only male in this school suffering from penis envy. Come on, come on. I owe you one. Why would he be the only male in school suffering from penis envy? Even if he has a small penis, the existence of penis envy presupposes the existence of at least one large penis at this school that this guy has compared his own penis to. But unless every single male in school has an identically shaped penis, then surely other dudes will envy other dudes' penises.
You know what I'm talking about, right, Dave? Did this discussion help you with that joke? That no mean dick. We later learn Ricky loves Japan and karate because who does it? And that the dad is having a tough time at work because you know.
Then contracts. We also learned that Ken Cade is like super sporty now. He's playing darts while wearing a baseball glove and sitting on his bed like a young Tom Brady. All the athletic exertion causes him to fall asleep and wake up in the trunk of a car in the auto salvage yard from the last movie. You're gonna pound your ass! Ken Cade's dog, named Jason. Interesting. He's a bad boy who pisses literal fire and opens a portal to hell with his piss. In there are Freddy's bones and skin and they reassemble, meaning that yes, Freddy's back! Ken Cade thinks quickly and smashes Freddy with a car and is very pleased with himself. Yeah! And then Freddy stabs him, which Ken Cade is less pleased about. Ah!
From there, we cut to Kristen drinking soda like Trump drinks water and then to Joey who is evidently sleeping on a water bed with a naked woman inside that you just know Trump has like three or four of. If he doesn't have a naked lady water bed, then what is even the point of wealth?
Why work at all? What is this, communist Russia?
I want naked women in my beds! But of course, for the second time in his many movies, Joey's horny dream becomes a horny nightmare and a naked woman turns into a fully clothed friend. If I were Joey, I wouldn't trust any naked women in my bed or nurses. If they're naked, say no, that's my motto. But I'm not Joey and he never learned that lesson. So Freddy kills him and stuffs him into the water bed, which is not a bed that I would like as much, but I could, I'm sure there are people that would love Joey in a water bed.
Elsewhere, Alice reveals her mom is dead and her dad is an alcoholic because everybody's parents in these movies are dead, divorced, alcoholic, and or cops because those are the worst things you can be. Those are the top four, it's on a list. She also reveals that she is shitty at kicking despite Ricky's best attempts to become her sensei.
The next day, Kristen takes a smoke break on school grounds because the 80s were wild and Alice walks up and Kristen says, We have matching luggage again. And Alice is like, what? And Kristen is like, the bags under your eyes. Luggage.
These movies are written by aspiring poets. Speaking of, then Alice asks Kristen if she's ever heard of the Dream Master and like, obviously not. Might as well be asking if she's ever heard of the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise. Sounds like a game show host to me. But apparently the Dream Master isn't so much a person who has conquered death with powers that some might deem unnatural, but actually a literal rhyme that just explains the best way to sleep without nightmares is to think about something fun before you fall asleep. Anyway, in class later, Ricky mentions offhand in the background that, Anyway, Kat and Garret have never been irreconcilable to the meeting. Because again, this movie is written by German genius literary masters. English is my meeting star, meeting star, meeting star.
But before Kristen can fully wrap her mind around Ricky's staggering intellect, she notices that Ken Cade and Joey's desks are empty, which obviously immediately means that they are super dead. She starts to get upset, but then Ricky calms her down by just knocking her the fuck out. Wait, calm down. No!
Kristen wakes up in a hospital bed looking up at a nurse that is certainly a man, and yeah, it's Freddy. And he does some scary things, and then she wakes up and now it's presumably a biologically female nurse.
Thank God! Then they go to a diner called the Crave Inn, as in Wes Craven, which I assume means that one of the producers is named Soda Fountain? Man, this movie has layers. Kristen goes in and collects Alice, Ricky, and inexplicably the hot boy Dan from earlier, because I guess he and Ricky are friends now? I don't get it. Anyway, they go to the Elm Street house, and they don't do anything there, but it does kill five to 10 minutes of run time, which is hell.
Kristen goes home and apparently her mom has managed to sew her head back onto her body between movies, which is very impressive, and she uses her new lease on life to drug her daughter with sleeping pills, even though Kristen is presumably weeks removed from an extended stay in a psych ward for attempted suicide as a result of fears of sleep and nightmares. Now, I'm sure she'll take kindly to being drugged unconscious by her primary caretaker. That probably won't cause her to relapse in any way. On that subject, when did Kristen and King Kate and Joey get out of the hospital anyway?
I mean, last we saw a therapist and like four kids had all died within the span of a week. Sure, they defeated Freddy and presumably sleep better now, but it must've been pretty challenging to convince the board that they weren't suffering major psychological trauma, you know, from all the dead children in their lives. We went over this in therapy! But whatever, they're here now getting drugged by their parents. I guess it all worked out.
Kristen then offers her mom a whiz bang line that's something like, mom, if you're keeping score, this is a banquet, and I'm the main course, which is quite the mixture of metaphors, unless she's referring to competitive eating, in which case, great line, very good. Then Kristen tries to picture herself in a happy place and passes out. Turns out her happy place is also the happy place of most teen boys, which is to say a beach where Kristen is in a bikini. But it's spoiled, unfortunately, by the presence of a little girl making a sand castle. Hi. Oh, and Freddie curb stomps her into quicksand, which is also not fun. Kristen ends up in the Elm Street house again, but now she can climb on walls for some reason. Before, eventually, ending up in another friggin' boiler room. She accidentally conjures a wet Alice, which like, please teach me that trick. And then Freddie throws Kristen into the fire to death. No! But before she dies, Kristen imparts her dream powers onto Alice. Because dreams. Alice wakes up and runs to Kristen's house, but she's full on, on fire. Oh, and it turns out that Kristen was born in 1969.
The next day, Debbie complains that she's dead on my feet, which is quite the thing to say, following the recent literal deaths of three of her friends. That's only slightly better than walking up to a New York firefighter on September 12th, being like, man, I feel like the Twin Towers just fell on me or something. I'm just so sore.
I like to make sure that all of my jokes are for everyone.
Then Alice almost smokes, even though. I don't smoke. Apparently, Kristen's dream powers were tied to her nicotine habit, which is quite unfortunate. Then Alice takes a physics test, except, oops!
Freddie takes over Sheila's test and attacks her and then makes out with her until she becomes a rag doll. Then in real life, Sheila dies from an asthma attack. And then in real, real life, the actress who played Sheila then apparently had to come back into the studio after filming to redub all her lines to sound more black.
You don't sound like a black girl, and this is not how a black girl is. I was like, excuse me? Because the true villain of this movie is not Freddie.
Anyway, Alice decides, okay, so Freddie was apparently only attacking the children of the parents who set his ass on fire way back when, and that's presumably where it would have ended, except Kristen pulled Alice into her dream, and that opened Alice up to Freddie's fingers. Freddie, would you like some sausage? And now he's using Alice to pull in other people like Sheila. So now I guess it's Alice's fault if anybody dies.
She then goes to a class that's literally talking about dreams and dream power. The teacher mentions a theory that may or may not be ascribed to Aristotle in this world about how there are two gates one can enter in the dream world, a positive gate where you presumably dream about unicorns with rock oners and naked women in your water bed, where unicorns and fully clothed women try to murder you in and out of water beds. He also makes mention of a dream master who guards the positive gate and can protect a sleeping host. And despite this being the single most applicable lesson Alice has ever gotten in her entire life, she falls the hell asleep in like two seconds. Elsewhere, Ricky falls asleep whilst shitting and wakes up to cheerleaders watching him shit.
It's unclear if this is in the positive or the negative gate, seems pretty subjective. I mean, might be nice. Then the toy stall becomes an elevator which doesn't seem very fun.
And then he spit out of it into a dojo where he spars with an invisible Freddy one-on-one and it has all the thrilling tension of a yellow belt fighting depression. Hey, hey. As one might expect, Ricky gets fingered to death. Sire fell off the side. Alice, still in the classroom, wakes up, screams, and explodes the whole damn room. This is never mentioned again. At Ricky's funeral, Alice daydreams him being alive but honestly, I think we're all better off with him dead. Hello, baby. Alice heads home and starts swinging Ricky's nunchucks around like a real pro which seems to suggest she's also acquired his power, his power of nunchucks. Oh, a fellow chucker, eh?
Alice and Dan decide to meet up and drive to Debbie's house where they'll come up with a rock-solid plan to defeat Freddy, but of course, Alice falls asleep before they can even begin to make that happen. And she merely dreams that she's sneaking out. She ends up in a movie theater that's about as packed as most theaters in 2020 were, and she gets sucked into a movie which is basically the Crave Inn but post-apocalyptic and black and white. She's greeted by a mean old lady version of herself and then Freddy obviously shows up and says some one-liners, if who don't kill you, the service will. and shows her a pizza where the meatballs are dead people. Alice then wakes up in Meat Stand and decides that she needs to drive his car for some reason and they somehow end up back at the Crave Inn and do the same scene again. They do this scene four times.
So clearly, she's still asleep. While that's happening, Freddy murders Debbie while she works out by snapping her arms and turning into a cockroach, which is just so Kafkaesque. But doesn't that mean that Debbie is asleep and also Dan for that matter? Weren't they all agreeing to meet up around this time and yet all three of them fell asleep independently of each other, even though that was the one thing they all knew that they should not do?
Frickin' morons. What the hell was that? Anyway, Alice eventually crashes into Freddy. It was actually just a tree in real life, I guess. So did she and Dan end up meeting and then both falling asleep in the car until they hit a tree? How the hell did that happen?
I don't know, but Dan's injuries are bad enough that he's rushed to the hospital and Alice refuses to let the doctors give him sedatives in the ambulance, but she knows that she won't be able to do anything about it once he's in the operating room, especially considering that his doctor is Freddy and not. Dr. Seuss. So to be fair, Dr. Seuss' legacy has been getting some critical reevaluation recently, so it's a little bit complicated. Alice races home, pounds a bunch of sleeping pills, and laces up a bunch of leather and in a grease-esque transformation goes from a mousy girl to a badass, whole-ass woman with a potty mouth. Fucking A. Alice then passes out and goes and grabs Dan in their sleep and they wander through some surreal tunnels like a low-budget LSD version of the Inception Hotel fight scene, and eventually Dan is pulled out of surgery and wakes up for real.
Ah! So now it's just Alice and Freddy in the dream world and she comes at him with all sorts of cartwheels and flips and shit, but it doesn't have much of an effect. Freddy claims that though she has her friends' powers of nunchucks and smoking, Freddy has their damn souls, which is apparently the rock to her scissors. Ah! Oh, it should be, which is apparently the scissors to her paper, because he has knife gloves. You get it. Bitch!
They keep fighting and Freddy mentions that he's been guarding his gate, which I guess is the negative gate, and evidently this suggests that Freddy and Alice are like polar opposites of each other in Dreamland or some shit, because she's the dream master and he's the dream dickhead. And speaking of, Alice was the little girl Kristen kept seeing in her dreams at the house and the beach and shit. What's your name? Alice. I have a friend named Alice. That was a younger version of Alice, but apparently didn't have much power other than occasionally mentioning, hey, yeah, Freddy's around. I don't know what you do with that, but aside from Kristen, Alice never guarded anybody else in any movie for any reason.
So take that knowledge and treasure it. But anyway, Dream Master Alice then takes the bug sound wave thing from Sheila and plugs it into an electrical wire and electrocutes Freddy, which seems like something Aristotle may not have anticipated. Of course, this still doesn't kill Freddy, but then Alice remembers the Dream Master rhyme, which is apparently, now I lay me down to sleep, the master of dreams, my soul I'll keep. In the reflection of my mind's eye, evil will see itself. And it's outside. So that is what Alice is now dead mom used to say to her when she fell asleep.
That is weird as shit. What is a five-year-old supposed to do with that exactly? I don't know.
But Alice interprets that now to mean that Freddy will die if he sees himself in a mirror. So she shows him a mirror. We then zoom through his body, I guess, and see a bunch of seemingly new children in there, which like, do I need a lawyer for watching this? Then a bunch of kids start busting out of Freddy. And yeah, there are some very clear boobies there. And I will absolutely be seeking representation after this and suing Wes Craven for entrapment. Eventually Freddy dies and the souls go giggling off to heaven, I guess. And then Alice walks into, I guess, the positive gate. And now Alice and Dan are dating, I guess, but oops, Freddy's reflection is in the water fountain. And I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I bet he's not fully dead, even if he's been fully emptied of new children.
Okay, I'm gonna, I need a lawyer. Well, shit. Okay, so back in the eighties, I tried to pull an American horror story and launched a weird-ass anthology horror series, nightmare spin-off thing called Freddy's Nightmares. I hosted every episode and a few episodes revolved around me doing my haunting thing, but I'll admit really only the pilot episode really provides any additional backstory to the actual films. It's basically just a prequel look at my trial and stuff from back in the day, bitch. You're gonna force me to watch that too, aren't you? Oh yeah, and it's gonna be grainy as hell.
No! No, no, no!
So whatever, we open with a news anchor giving news and then, oh no, now he's facing out of existence only to appear again in front of a courthouse. He's confused, and he just sort of rolls with it and continues reporting because he's a damn professional, unlike the rest of the mainstream media. Where the hell are we?
Turns out he's reporting on the trial of serial killer Freddy Krueger. Objection, your honor. Excuse me, alleged unholy aberration. But before he can be locked away, the defense presents new evidence that suggests Freddy wasn't read as Miranda rights, so the whole case is thrown out as a mistrial, except here's the deal. Freddy was caught preying on two girls in the arresting cop's actual home. Not reading Miranda rights is a break from procedure, sure, but all it means is that anything Freddy says or cackles or whatever can't be used against him as evidence. The evidence that he was presumably in somebody else's house preying on their daughters and wearing a glove made of steak knives would still be admissible, as well as literally any other evidence they have.
But whatever doesn't matter because... Oh, that'll be our fault!
The prosecuting lawyer gathers up the parents and says, all right, well, why don't we just murder Freddy ourselves? And they're all like, cool, that makes sense, because, man, parents used to be so cool. Freddy, for his part, goes back to his abandoned warehouse and walks around with FreddyVision engaged, which is like normal vision, but redder, and with way more wailing electric guitar solos. Meanwhile, the arresting cop named Tim is told by one of his now crazy daughters that he can't just kill Freddy because that'll make it worse. And conversely, his cop buddy tells him he really should consider going out and murdering Freddy himself.
But Tim says, no, I respect the law, almost as much as- I hate hick towns. Which, okay, a**hole, my whole dad's side of the family comes from hick towns and, you know, they're fine.
The parent mob arrives at Freddy's warehouse, but he's not there.
They do find tons of new evidence, like mementos from dead children, that would easily be more than enough for another trial, but whatever. It's not like the lawyer is a cop. How would he know?
Freddy is skulking around Tim's house and murders the cop they have guarding it, which again is a pretty serious crime that could probably land you in jail, but mostly the guy's death is just super annoying to Tim. This night never ends. Says the man whose family is being stalked by a serial killer. But Freddy gets scared away by the mob and Tim is like, what the hell is going on here? But the citizens go immediately back to the warehouse where Freddy is and hold him at gunpoint while Tim holds the mob at gunpoint. Freddy says he is forever, which really seems like a thing he couldn't possibly know.
He's not freaking Obi-Wan Kenobi, but whatever. Tim has a dramatic change of heart for no reason and delivers this nonsensical powerhouse line. The law is the law, but tonight the law is on vacation. I wonder if the showrunner was also on vacation.
Then Tim just freaking soaks Freddy and gasoline and sets him on fire. Freddy doesn't fight back because again, if he's struck down, he'll be more powerful than Tim could ever imagine. Then Tim goes to bed and has a nightmare about being FedExed to Freddy Glove. And then the next day his daughters are weird and a letter from Freddy catches on fire. The other cop informs Tim that the FBI is coming and Tim is like, oh no, but he murdered Freddy.
His buddy's like, it's all good, my man. I'll go bury it because apparently Tim and the 10 angry parents just left the smoking corpse lying there. Later, Tim and the cop friend go to see the body, but it's not there. And they also, they find another body at the warehouse. That's the lawyer or whatever. And also inexplicably, the town dentist is at this crime scene because you never know when you might need an emergency route canal.
Back at home, Tim's wife is extremely horny and she blows Tim right into another nightmare where he dreams about his daughters giving him the electric chair. Open wide. The next day he yells at his daughter, presumably because she's such a mediocre vocalist. In my dreams and yours.
And then at the station, Tim is starting to lose his freaking mind from all the nightmares, but the buddy cop is like, oh, by the way, I never said that the FBI was coming, but also I did hide the body, like I said. So I guess some of the things that were from that conversation were real, but not all of them, which is confusing. But regardless, Tim decides to go pick up the dentist from the dentist store for a super special meeting with the other parents, so they can all settle on a specific story for what they're gonna say when they're asked by the maybe FBI or maybe not, you know, just if anybody asked what they were doing when they were actually murdering Freddy. Is it the only thing a man could do? But I guess Tim heard his tooth earlier, so he and the dentist decided to cap it for him real quick before deciding how best to lie to the police and or maybe not possibly the FBI. And I think going to the dentist was way better in the eighties because not only do they immediately gas him, they also give him headphones so he can listen to his jade. And best of all, the gas causes him to see the nurse and her stinky underwear, so everything is going great until- Oh, s**t, Freddy murders him.
All right, I'm gonna leave the TV now. You're making this way harder than it needs to be. Look, man, I'm just trying stuff. There are a lot of movies. I get it, but can I be normal again so I can just explain this stupid one? You are no fun at all, bitch. This boy feels the need for speed, huh? Sorry. All right, back to the main event.
So the fifth movie is called The Dream Child, which is actually how I've been referred to by all former parents and employers. We open on some people having some dream sex to presumably create the aforementioned dream child, but the shots are so up close and low lit, I'm just gonna have to take their word for it that they're putting the correct parts in the correct holes. The lights eventually come on to reveal Alice, who is now blonde, because maybe she also absorbed Kristen's hair color alongside her smoking habit. And apparently Alice was the one being taken to Pleasure Town. She heads into the bathroom to wash off that teenage filth when oops, poop starts coming out of the drain and fills up the shower and then spits her out into a dungeon or some s**t with a very confusing special effect shot. With her are several weirdos and nasty pajamas, and now she's a nun, which is to say Amanda Krueger, presumably, because she's essentially reliving Amanda Krueger's assault as described in the third movie.
Yay. Anyway, that was just the cold open. So now they're at their high school graduation, and I guess Dan was the valedictorian, and also he's just like so silly. So let's blow, blow, blow this Pops Dan.
Apparently Alice has made several new friends between movies, you know, since all of her old friends were brutally murdered. And speaking of, I would kill for a hot dog right now. That's not what a cover girl puts in her body. Dan inexplicably scares the ever loving s**t out of Alice. Hey, beautiful. Jesus, don't do that.
Despite her being in a huge crowd of people in the middle of the day, and reminds her, and the audience, that he's purchased two tickets for the two of them to fly to Paris where they'll live for the entire summer because apparently Dan is a millionaire. He's also apparently so good at football, he hasn't even committed to a school yet, despite actively graduating. But to be fair. This boy feels the need for speed.
Alice sees some creepy singing jump roping kids and decides to chase them, which is a terrible idea. And then she decides to chase a creepy white nun towards an insane asylum, which is an even worse idea.
Is this supposed to be the same asylum as the third movie? Or does this part of Ohio just have tons of psych wards with highly variable architecture? Well, inside, Alice sees a weird, massive baby basket, and then suddenly, she herself is on a gurney. Huh? And then she sort of flips between being Amanda Krueger crapping out a baby and watching Amanda Krueger crapping out a baby. What is happening again?
And it turns out the baby is Freddy, but also a creepy alien from hell, which seems to sort of negate the idea that Freddy's physical issues were born, you know, from being set on fire. Apparently the dude was literally born burned.
Talk about a hot vagina. John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John, John. Heh heh. Holy shit.
Freddy the alien baby screams a bunch, and destroys the church, and crawls into a Freddy sweater on the ground, and that's enough justification for him to be reborn, I guess. It's a bone! It must have been way easier to write horror films when nobody needed it to be a metaphor or a commentary on anything. It's just like, hey, so our villain died last movie? Cause I've deserved the dreams and mears and shit. So why don't we bring him back? Oh, just have him be boned as a fucked up squid rat, and growl into a shit sweater. Are you done it again, Jeff? That's movie magic! But no, they do try to explain it a bit when Amanda shows up again and explains that Freddy's birth was a curse, and Freddy has brought her back to help bring him back, but now she's gonna take his life, which actually still doesn't make any shit damn sense.
Of course, if Alice could just find a mirror lying around somewhere, she could just nip this right in the bud, but I guess she can't. So Amanda tells Alice that she needs to be released from her earthly prison, and Alice is like, How? And Amanda's like, look for me in the tower. And fun fact, Alice never does this, and apparently forgets this part of their conversation entirely. But I get it! Anyway, now Alice is in the diner where she works, but she's four hours late because she was giving birth to the Antichrist, but her coworker doesn't wanna hear it! I thought she was- John Cena! It is amazing how casually Alice tries to explain to every random person in her life that she's being chased by a serial killer in her dreams and birthing Antichrist like that's ever going to work as an excuse. But believe me, I am always trying to skip work by telling my boss that I was stabbed in my dreams, but he doesn't wanna hear it! I feel you, Alice!
So everybody else is having a pool party at school like horny wet teams are wont to do, and this total badass over here crushes a beer bottle with his bare hand. Alice calls Dan to tell him what happened, and she thinks that Krueger is attacking her, even when she's awake. And Dan drives to her- But immediately falls asleep for your calls, because the kids in this town are friggin' wussies. You can tell this is a pre-Land Party's world. Bimbo slut! Mom?
Freddy attacks Dan in the car with all sorts of random shit like evil seatbelts and Freddy pulling off his own arm and then making Dan sort of crash, which causes Dan to then steal a motorcycle, which is haunted naturally, and turns Dan into a C-plus Mad Max villain. Obviously, this all leads to Danny crashing into another truck and dying, but, like, you don't need a nightmare stalker to do that. Falling asleep at the wheel is super dangerous. The cops say it was an accident, and again, Alice is like, no, it's Krueger's fault, but I hate to say it, Alice! The cops are right. Dan's a piece of shit, and he's lucky he didn't hurt anybody else besides the trucker dude, whose head is bleeding like crazy.
Furthermore, they found pieces of a champagne bottle in Dan's car and conclude that he'd been drinking, but Alice says- Dan didn't drink! He was just bringing that champagne to me to celebrate our trip to Paris! Do you think you might've drank it then? Do you think Dan might've drank it then?
You friggin' idiot! Well, thank God she didn't drink anything because Dan did manage to get just a little liquid in her. You're just a little pregnant. Back at Alice's house, her now-sober dad has bought carrots to help with Alice's pregnancy, although back in college, I knew a couple of guys who had a contest to see who could eat the most carrots, and they both ended up in the hospital. So I guess, just like limit your intake.
Elsewhere, Alice's hot friend Greta sits crying in a room full of dolls that will 100% be haunted at some point in this movie. Until then, Greta's being fussy at a dinner party and inexplicably passes out mid-conversation. Is there something in the water in this town? She is, of course, attacked by Freddy who is a chef now and- Bon appetit, bitch! Feeds her nasty things and it's disgusting and she dies. I guess I was wrong about the dolls, which is weird, because I'm never wrong about these things.
Alice and another friend named Yvonne go to check on a third friend named Mark who is mobily skateboarding around a warehouse in madness. Yvonne leaves, so Mark and Alice hang out, but then, whoops, Mark turns into a comic drawing and gets sucked into a sketch of the Elm Street house, as one does, so Alice draws a shitty drawing of herself to chase after him and maybe the most brilliant bit of quick thinking ever filmed. She wanders around the house and finds Mark in a hole, so she pulls him out and then talks to a little kid named Jacob who's almost certainly her unborn child. Alice wakes up and realizes Freddy can get to her even when she's awake through the dreams of unborn Jacob who sleeps all the damn time like a millennial. Alice gets an ultrasound to check for something but starts pissing herself with static and gets sucked into the ultrasound to discover Freddy is feeding her baby the souls of her friends, which is probably way more dangerous than carrots. Mark, who now believes Alice, sort of suggests an abortion but Alice says no and I get it, but a lot of people are being murdered because of this baby, so I do wish she at least had a bit more urgency in her attempts to defeat Kruger.
For example, have you thought about going to the damn tower to look for Amanda? Like she said in the first three minutes of the movie? No, instead, she and Mark do some research and learn that Amanda back in the day was believed to have hanged herself, but it could never be proved because they couldn't find the body. Now, I'm no coroner, but why would you assume that somebody you've never found hang themselves instead of ran away or drowned or something?
Hung bodies tend to be found, and yes, I said hung that time because I was gonna make a penis joke here, but I ran out of time and this video is truly so long. Do you know how many damn words these videos are? This one is almost 25,000. Write your own penis jokes.
Anyway, Mark reads a book of Christian mythology and decides, you know what they should do is find Amanda and release her soul. Man, if only somebody had mentioned something like this to Alice at an earlier point in the film. Alice finally decides to search the asylum, but like only in her dreams, so she goes to sleep. Well, Mark reads comic books and almost certainly jerks. Elsewhere, Yvonne goes to the pool and has many strange things happen, culminating in her getting stuck in a water tank with Freddy. Couldn't think of it, there's no boiler room in this movie, I don't think, so that's nice. Also nice is that Alice saves Yvonne, and then Mark, for his part, falls asleep and turns into a comic book again, kicking off one of the stupidest sequences I have ever seen in any movie.
Freddy chases Mark around, wow, skateboarding, and then sort of shows him Greta as a haunted doll. A haunted doll!
And that's all dumb, but then Mark becomes a comic book character. Scarface, Lynn, d**k. He shoots Freddy, you know, like superheroes do, shoot s**t. But it doesn't work, and Freddy says, Told ya, comic books was mad for ya. And then Mark becomes 2D, and Freddy slices him up in the least terrifying kill scene ever. I've seen a dog eat a napkin, it's just not that scary. I'm sorry, but I wish you had asked me before you filmed the scene. So whatever, Mark's dead. No!
And I bet he wished he pushed the abortion thing a bit harder, but now Yvonne believes Alice, so the two agree to go to the tower to look for Amanda, because Alice noticed. I was in the tower when he used you to distract me. Maybe he's hiding something in that tower.
Yeah, he is! The damn thing you were talking about in the beginning of the movie, you fricking simple moron. Dream Master, my a**hole.
So Yvonne goes to the asylum in the real world, and Alice in the dream world. And I guess that means it is supposed to be the same asylum as the third movie, which means it got some significant structural renovations before being abandoned, somehow, all in the span of two years. And Freddy's there, but Alice impales him with that big baby basket, and he gets attacked by inmates that are all just around still, and they rip his arm off. But then the arm turns into spiders. Which attack Alice, and she's unable to do much about it because she is shockingly terrible at stomping on spiders. So now it's like an MC Escher painting from hell, and they're running around here, and running around there, and Jacob is there, and then Dan shows up, but is that really Dan?
It's Freddy! And Jacob says, oh, actually, Freddy's inside you. Because he knows you so well. So Alice, like, half-forces Freddy out somehow, and he- Ah!
I don't think I'm stepping too much out on a limb here to say that this movie is dumb as shit. It's a dumb as shit movie for dumb as shit people. You dumb as shit.
In The Land of the Real, Yvonne is brutally assaulted by some doves. But she fights through the pain and finds Amanda's body, sort of, and frees her soul, or some such stupid shit. And now Amanda is also in the dream world.
And yet, after all that talk from me and the movie about how Amanda's the only one who can defeat Freddy, all she actually does is tell Jacob to help. So Jacob, like, pukes on Freddy or something? School's out, Krueger. Ah! And then the three souls of the people that Freddy has murdered so far in this movie try to escape out his chest, and they do it so hard that they pull out the baby version of Krueger. And then Jacob reverts back to a baby, too, and then Amanda and Alice stuff their babies back into their bodies, I guess. And then Amanda takes Freddy somewhere. And then it's a picnic, and Alice has the kid in real life, but also there are some creepy kids again, and the scariest of all is this goddamn rap.
Hold up, is he a man or a girl? What in the world? I cannot believe there's another whole movie in this series.
Ow! Get him! Ah! You're freaking working with Freddy? Face the bills. Man, I hate this nightmare. Throws controller. Now I'm playing with power! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Ooh, open up with a Nietzsche quote, huh? It looks like we're full pretension here, kids. Oh, a Freddy quote? I guess we're all so full stupid. Can I please not watch this? No. Ah, damn. Well, according to the title, Freddy's Dead, which has both technically been true the entire time, and also is made extra super true at the end of every movie. So I'm curious to see what happens here. According to this shitty graphic, we're now 10 years in the future, for no apparent reason, and every single child in Springfield, Ohio has died, and the adults are going insane.
There is one surviving teen, however. And now we're on a turbulent airplane with presumably the teen in question who looks like Johnny Depp's shitty cousin. There's someone in the way. Some thing. And he wants to change seats because he's scared of heights, and the woman next to him helpfully suggests don't be a pussy.
Then she gets sucked up and he gets sucked up, and he wakes up in a bed in a house falling from the sky. Shit! And he sees the wicked witch outside, but it's actually Freddy. I'll get you, my pretty, and your little soul too! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, God, I don't have the energy for this. The house lands on Elm Street, and he sees the Elm Street house, and then he falls down a hill for a hot rod length of time. Then he sees a creepy ticket man, ha ha ha ha ha, and gets hit by a bus that Freddy is driving, ha ha ha! which cuts a boy-shaped hole in the fabric of reality, which Freddy then closes, and you know, I think there are certain situations where imagination is a bad thing. So the kid's been knocked out by a rock, but wakes up with a newspaper clipping in his pocket about a missing Kruger woman. Great.
He heads to a nearby town, but is caught pulling a burrito out of his crotch by some cops, and taken to a local youth shelter, presumably specializing in kids with extreme Mexican food fetishes. Speaking of, meet Spencer. He likes playing video games, ignoring his dad, and creating consequence-free check-offs pipe bombs in this pre-Columbine world. Oh, and if you were wondering. He isn't a Toyota. If he had been, that would have made this movie much more interesting. Could also explain the pipe bomb. Also, in this shelter is this punchy girl named Tracy, who already told me when I asked.
You ain't gettin' on. There's also Carlos, who has a hearing aid, and the three of them are intending to escape at some point. Good luck. They're all being serviced by a hot young therapist named Maggie. Maybe.
And also this dude named Doc, who has the creepiest counseling office of all time. He believes in dream therapy. And oh, by the way, here's a dream picture of dream demons who, oh, by the way, search for the most evil human they can find to give them the power to make dreams reality.
Just felt like something worth mentioning. Anyway, so they're calling the kid from the beginning John Doe, because apparently he has complete amnesia and late-stage a**holeism. I don't know! One symptom of this is singing late into the night while everybody else just tries to get some damn sleep. What a case of that. Doesn't work though, because again, these kids were born in a softer era before doom scrolling.
And a little girl shows up and John walks on air some and he finds a crazy version of himself that claims to be his memory and on and on and on, you know, dream s**t. As it turns out, Maggie has also been dreaming about that little girl, so that's odd. So odd, she decides to drive John back to Springfield, Ohio to see if they can find some answers. I don't entirely remember how she or he knows that's where he's from or why he decided to not go back to Springfield initially when he woke up with no memory right outside Springfield, but I also don't give s**t.
So they grab a van and they almost crash, which reveals the three other jackass kids stowed away in the back seat. The therapist is so upset, she immediately drives to a creepy town fair and tells the three kids to take the van back to the shelter. As in, she gives the keys to the three kids who were just attempting to run away from the shelter, despite the fact that this means she herself and her amnesiac mental patient will be literally stranded at this creepy ass fair.
But then again, this fella seems to be living his best life. Naturally, it doesn't matter, because they end up just driving in circles because you know, dream s**t. Also, their map is just much too large. They decide to spend the night in the Elm Street house, which was sneakily and coquettishly pretending to be a normal non-evil house. That end. Carlos immediately falls asleep and into a dream. And I'm just gonna rip through these next few hauntings here because while I'm sure the writers and crew were having fun, I wasn't.
Carlos ends up in an alley where his mom threatens to clean his ears with a big old Q-tip, except oops, it's not her, because nobody's themselves, they're all actually Freddy. And he shoves the thing in his ear, and then he cuts off Carlos' ear, which kind of makes the whole cleaning thing pointless. And then Carlos falls into another boiler room, warehouse thing, but without his hearing aid. Effectively rendering him deaf. Now, what would you do to torture a deaf person? Sound off in the comments. Because Krueger sort of dances around behind Carlos, which is mean, sure, but only if Carlos ever realizes what's happening, which he doesn't. Then Freddy turns Carlos' hearing aid into a crab or some s**t, which is not very nice, sure, but then Freddy just, he literally drops pins, and then he scratches a chalkboard. Obviously, Carlos can hear those sounds, and I guess they're annoying enough for his head to f**king explode. But it's weird to torture a deaf person with really loud sounds, right?
Like, that's probably not their main fear. I'd assume they'd be afraid of getting hit by a car or hit with a million jump scares, because they can't hear what's happening. Or sure, just drop f**king pins or some s**t, who cares?
Imagination! Then Krueger goes for Spencer, who is apparently not just a joker, but also a smoker and a midnight toker. He's high on pot weed and watching a broken TV, which apparently has on his head, and also Carlos in it. Spencer falls asleep and into a psychedelic dream. Who knows the difference between marijuana and psychoactive drugs anyway? Tomato to lysergic acid diethylamide. Then he gets sucked into the TV, which has only happened to me like twice on pot. Maybe.
And then Freddy plays a video game with Spencer in it, which is somehow the stupidest s**t ever. Super Spencer! Green graphics, and beep my eyes. Green graphics, and beep my eyes score. Oh no, no, no, sorry. Then Spencer's video game abilities manifest in the real world. And that is the stupidest s**t ever.
Ah!
And while this stupid s**t is going on, John and Maggie wander around, again on foot, on their stupid feet, because they gave away the van, and end up at a weird abandoned high school with some rambling weirdo teacher. And they completely ignore him, even though in real life, this would be one of the most disturbing moments of a person's life. Somehow it's revealed that Freddy Krueger managed to have unprotected sex, and this state took away the resulted child, which was probably a good idea. So they go to, I guess, Freddy's old house to try and get some more clues, but all they find is a crazy woman, which again is terrifying.
Oh, you've come back, how nice. Do you remember me?
But doesn't faze them one bit. They also find an objectively bad drawing, signed by some terrible artist named K. Krueger, which isn't much of a clue, because... Can mean anything from Kevin to Kyle. That's a pretty wide range of names, but Maggie says, I doubt it.
Then they run to the Elm Street house, because John randomly claims they need to save the other kids before Freddy gets to them, even though as far as they know, the kids have left town. And do either of them even know anything about Freddy attacking people in dreams at this point? I guess John's just connecting his bad dreams to all the dead children, and assuming they're like, connecting and all the same, but that's quite a leap, Carlisle with a K. They arrive and see Spencer tripping balls on that good gacha, and John convinces Tracy to lay him out so he can help Spencer in Spencer's dream. And then Tracy enters too, because she can meditate, or something. And in the dream, Spencer dies, I guess. So Freddy eats his soul, I guess. And then I guess Tracy does some flips and shits and kicks Freddy in the penis, I guess.
Oh, yeah. And then Tracy wakes up, but John is still asleep. And then we get a gratuitous gamer boy feet shot. Oh, yeah. And then the house shoots into space because nightmare. And then he's back in his bed, which is on fire. Damn it.
And he jumps out the window, which is of course a million miles up again, so he pulls a parachute, but oops, Freddy's in the parachute, kind of. And it turns out that Freddy had a daughter, not a son, so he cuts John's parachute, and then like pushes a bunch of spikes in the middle of the road, because I guess he's now wily coyote, but John survives. Just kidding. And then his corpse disappears like a video game and his soul gets sucked into Freddy. Then Freddy literally says, it's traveling time. Like that's some sort of catchphrase or pun, but it's not, right? Freddy's just become that annoying dad who tries to make everything a limp play on words, because he never learned how to tell a real joke or his children that he loves them. Aren't you a dad? It's not the point, Freddy. Freddy enters his daughter because Ohio, am I right? But Maggie isn't aware of this development, so they head back to the shelter. And I suppose the deal was Freddy couldn't leave Springfield unless he was using his daughter as a vessel. That feels a bit complicated, considering he's been granted power by immortal dream demons, dream-ins, if you will. Okay, that's totally a dad joke.
Shut up, Fred! They get back to the shelter, but instead of going to jail forever for being a dumb turd who got three kids killed, Maggie is fine, because nobody remembers the three dead children except Tracy and Doc. Who cares what they think? Ugh!
Doc then employs the unorthodox counseling technique of throwing his arm around his hot young client and then hanging out with her alone at night while she gets very sweaty. Man, this guy is very dedicated to his clients.
Oh, and it turns out that Maggie was adopted. And now suddenly she remembers that she caught Mommy catching her serial killer daddy who just so happened to be a fully-skinned, unburned Freddy. The mom promised not to tell anybody about, you know, all the serial killing, but Fred was dubious. Maggie also saw the basement where Daddy Freddy was doing the nasty, and apparently he used night gloves and shit in real life, despite their impracticality.
Oh, and if you'd like a new fetish, here you go. Don't say daddy never does anything for you. Oh, yeah!
I guess this means that Freddy wasn't born a slimy, evil baby creature, like in the last movie, or that was just a dream sequence thing, and I guess that makes sense, but these movies, man, it's like, what's real? What is not real? So whatever, Freddy wants to kill all the kids in the shelter almost as much as the people who let the kids in the shelter build their own pipe bombs, and Tracy has a nightmare about her shitty dad who apparently sexually abused her, which is quite the juxtaposition, tonally, with that video game sequence. You can't have both, guys. And so Tracy beats her dad to death with a kettle, but then it turns into Freddy, naturally, and he says, Come through this, bitch. And again, I'm starting to think the writers lack the ability to appropriately handle issues like paternal sexual abuse. Just a thought.
Tracy burns herself awake and appears to be talking to Doc, but actually, it's Freddy, mimicking her voice. You taught her a lot. Freddy then cartwheels towards Doc and is immediately beaten with a bat. And then Freddy mentioned something about how he can't be killed because The dream people, the ones that gave me this job. Okay, then Doc wakes up because he'd set an alarm and has apparently grabbed a piece of Freddy's shirt and brought it into the real world. Doc, Maggie, and Tracy decide to do the exact plan from the first movie and send Maggie in to grab Freddy, pull him into the real world, and then beat the shit out of him. The twist is Doc gives Maggie dumbass 3D glasses that can be anything she wants in the dream world.
Look at the hell out of here. You want to live?
So she puts them on in the dream and they disappear and then the demon things in the picture come to life and she enters Freddy's brain, I guess. And now she's in a purple lightning room. But she turns off the purple lightning by throwing a bracelet at a box. And now she sees a young Krueger hammer a mouse or something while kids chant which is way too clever for fifth graders to really understand. And then suddenly Freddy's older and cutting himself and enjoying being beaten by his alcoholic dad.
Again, not sure these are the writers for the script. Thank you, sir. May I have another?
And now we see Freddy getting firebombed and then some ghosts or whatever fly into him with maybe the worst CG I've ever seen in my life. And this scene is nothing at all like the TV show. I guess they could just hand wave discrepancies by saying this is a dream or that was a dream or everything's a dream. But it's a little weird to create an entire prequel episode of TV just to retcon it a couple of years later, though counterpoint, none of it matters. Supporting point, nothing matters, anywhere. Whatever, in this version Freddy also reveals he killed the mom and told Maggie not to say anything but surprise, she did.
And like, how the hell did she forget all this? She was like five years old.
And why did they change her legal name from Catherine Kruger to Maggie Burroughs? Why not just change her last name? Why change both names?
Whatever, she pulls Freddy out and they grab a bunch of weapons from the arsenal built by disturbed children in the basement and Freddy tries to lure Maggie to him but then he telegraphs that he's got the glove so she smacks it off and they kind of fight. Come to daddy. But Doc and Tracy can't get to them so Maggie just bites Freddy's nose and there's weirdly very little music in this scene or at least it's very quiet.
And also, I wish Freddy would just stop laughing. I'm so tired of the damn laughing. It's not scary, it's not funny. It's annoying, I'm annoyed. Stop laughing.
Ow. Then Maggie gets some knives and ninja stars and throws them with the accuracy of a member of the League of Shadows. Not sure which counseling class taught her that but I honestly think there should be more therapists who are also world class ninjas. Then Maggie grabs the Freddy glove and fingers Freddy with it.
Then they Chekhov's pipe bomb him with an explosion so terrible looking I have to assume they totally forgot to add it in until the day before it hit theaters and just slapped something together in Microsoft Paint. Also, the ghosts fly out of Freddy and laugh because that's how you know if something's scary if it laughs. How else would I know if it's scary? Maggie then says Freddy's dead and then we get a super cut of the series Kill Highlights which really highlights how mediocre most of them were. But thankfully it's over, right? Not crap. Hey, are you gonna make me watch more of these movies? Oh my God. So I actually thought Freddy had died after the sixth movie but he wasn't fully dead. That was a total goof on my part. As it turns out, he just went to hell obviously but he used some remaining power to resurrect Jason from the Friday the 13th movies and also from hell so that Jason could go back to Springfield and kill things and make people scared enough that Freddy could return so that he too could kill things because Freddy can only come back if he's remembered and feared. And also maybe he needs assistance from the dreamings of a nightmare escape or something but we're always gonna forget about that whole subplot.
Next we see some titties. Then those titties swim and then they start running and then they're stabbed into a tree by Jason. And fun fact, this is actually the second time we've seen those ogres. These titties are from the same girl as Final Destination 2 who had her titties out in that movie.
They don't give her a lot of lines but she's got something that they like. Then Jason's mom shows up and says, you know what your gift is, Jason? It's that you can't die. Jason's like, yeah, I know mom, very aware of my gift, thanks. And then his mom is like, you should go to Elm Street and kill kids. And Jason, I guess agrees because he comes back to life but twist, get this, Jason's mom was actually Freddy. Make them remember what she tastes like.
Man, I don't remember any of this shit in the Bible. The council of Nicaea left out all the good parts.
We then see the Elm Street house and I guess Chip and Joanna Gaines got their hands on it because it's looking pretty okay. Inside are three teen girls named Lori, Kia and Gib. And one of them flicks a cigarette in Jason's face but she didn't know he was there. Then some surprise boys show up and the main boy named Trey takes Gib upstairs for some loveless sex while the other girls and the guy named Blake hang out downstairs to quietly discuss key background exposition like how the blonde girl's mom is dead and she used to be in love with a guy named Will that she hasn't seen in a while and tug at their penis, respectively.
Post sex, Gib showers with her boobs out because now that we finally got a post 9-11 Freddy movie, it's important to remember that gratuitous white female nudity is the best way to fight against terrorism. And to be fair, we did totally win that war by not respecting anybody's privacy. Anyway, while Gib fights the good fight, Jason obliterates Trey's ass which is probably also a 9-11 metaphor though I am unsure how. Then Jason folds Trey up like a taco and I'm not sure which part of the metaphor that is but if you know the answer, sound off in the comments so we can defeat terrorism with our titties together.
And everybody who isn't a taco runs out of the house and flags a cop. Then other cops show up and they're like, ah, it's probably Freddy. And they take Lori back to the station where she immediately falls asleep because again, these kids fall asleep like I take shits frequently without warning and with dire consequences. She sees a sad little girl who has no eyeballs and then more jump rope kids and then she does what most of us do every damn day and wakes up.
Then Blake's dad is like, what the hell were you doing not watching your sister at home and Blake is like, dad, my friend died. We don't have time for this. So his dad walks away and Blake, well, he falls asleep. He just saw his friend fold it up like a goddamn taco and he's just gonna take a nap like 20 minutes later. You're not worried about something?
Blake sees Freddy and he sort of ghost attacks him but it doesn't work because he's still not strong enough. But thankfully, Jason is strong enough for the both of them and he cuts off Blake's dad's head and then slashes Blake himself all to shit. Next, we've got the aforementioned Will who is in some sort of psych ward. He decides he wants to escape because he saw on TV that somebody was killed in Lori's house and a few years ago, Will saw Lori's dad killed Lori's mom and he's worried the dad did it again, but to Lori.
Will's friend named Mark who does not play checker's goddamn it. Grab the fucking uno deck and we'll play, okay? Helps Will escape with a little male nudity for once. And the ladies and some fellas, we don't judge here.
The next day, Lori's dad tries to slip some hypnocil into her juice, but she won't drink the juice. Just drink the juice, Lori. Drink your juice.
And she wakes up at school where some kids are handing out literal flyers for an underage drinking party because that's the most effective way to get the word out about your underage drinking party. Cops would never think about checking the flyers and Will shows up with Mark and Mark yells a bunch of shit at Lori about Freddy and what he does and then Lori passes out in classic Springfield fashion. While she sleeps, Kia wants to know when Lori's gonna wake up but the nurse angrily shushes her like Lori's taking a nap instead of having literally passed out in the hallway and then Kia herself, I assume falls asleep because Freddy kind of rips her nose off.
But it doesn't, but not like, just, she just thinks her nose is ripped off. It's not, her nose is still ripped off.
Will and Mark drive to the library in Mark's dead brother's titty van and realize basically all evidence of Freddy Krueger has been wiped from the record. The entire town intentionally buried his existence because they understand Freddy has no power if nobody knows who he is. And Mark realizes, oh, shit, I've been telling literally everybody about Freddy.
Is that bad? I don't wanna spoil anything. Oh, that's pretty bad.
Will says, whatever, let's just go grab Lori and get out of here. And now they're all in a shitty cornfield rave. Some dweeb kid named Charlie is a total asshole to Kia and tells her she can't think good because her head is weighed down by makeup, which kill her line.
But this is also back in a time when writers believed that sort of thing would turn women on. So the two dance. Young love.
And then Gibb wanders off and sees Trays in the corn. Even though he's dead. And chases him. Naturally, she ends up in a silo with faces coming out of the metal and shit because Freddy's there naturally. But in reality, she is in fact passed out. A fact not lost on this shitty glow-sticked asshole who tries to sexually assault Gibb amidst the corn. Before Freddy can kill her or the glow stick guy could pull a sanctuary, but with a glow stick instead of a corn cob. Faulkner reference for all you kids out there.
Jason stabs them both, which upsets Freddy greatly because stabbing is really his thing. Then Jason just starts massacring teenagers, even after being set on fire. The main characters barely escape in the titty van though.
And Will takes a few of the characters home, but he warns Lori that her dad is the one that got him committed and maybe murdered her mom. I don't remember where to put this, but at some point it's revealed that Will did not actually see Lori's dad kill Lori's mom. That was Freddy killing the mom in a dream. So just insert that somewhere that makes sense. She escapes her dad and house and her and Will go to grab Mark who is at his parents house, I guess.
Are they not surprised to see him considering as far as they know he was in a mental institution like yesterday? I don't know, but Mark is about to fall asleep as one does. So he tries to take some meth pills, but drops them and is immediately haunted by his dead scut of a brother. Apparently, Ralphie came back to finish the job because scut is positively swimming in nose blood. Will and Lori show up just in time for Freddy to set Mark on fire and burn Freddy's back into Mark's back, even though that doesn't really make any sense to these kids because they're just learning about Freddy for the first time right now. But I guess really any message burned onto a back is pretty scary.
It could have been the chicken and chili menu but Wendy's branded onto his skin and he would still be fairly unsettling. At least at the Wendy's that we have, there's like, you know, menu sub headers and there's a chicken and chili menu and it's just chicken nuggets and chili. But it's like, they also have chicken sandwiches but that's not under the chicken and chili menu. It's just chicken nuggets and we also have chili. Thus, this is the chicken and chili portion of our menu.
Whatever the cops say, they're gonna set up some roadblocks so nobody can leave the town and they can contain Freddy because they've had four years of peace and they're gonna get it back, damn it. But that means this is set four years after the sixth movie which makes sense since that technically took place in 1999 and this movie came out in 2003 but every single child in the town was dead in that movie and every single adult was insane. It was for all intents and purposes, a ghost town. Hell, it was so bad Rosie O'Donnell lived there. This time I swear it'll be different. So you're saying that in four years, every adult became mentally stable again and birthed enough children to repopulate the town with a bunch of teenagers? That math doesn't make sense unless they stole a bunch of children from neighboring towns or forced a bunch of complete families to move to Springfield. No matter how you look at it, it's an impressive bit of local cooperation and grassroots organization to steal children.
Would you like to come and live with us? Anyway, the cop from the beginning shows up in the kid's basement is like, hey, I wanna help.
Whereas all the other cops think that you're being solely attacked by Freddy, I think you're being attacked by Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th films. Oh my God. Then he helpfully recaps that series though I probably would have done it way better. Then these apparently brilliant kids piece together that Freddy, a serial killer whose existence is wiped from all official records and who kills people in their dreams must have somehow used his power to resurrect Jason to scare people enough to allow Freddy to grow back enough to get stronger, to kill people himself. That is shockingly accurate.
Then Lori falls asleep so everybody starts licking her and kissing her and stuff. Then when she wakes up, it turns out that she's pulled off Freddy's ear leading them to the realization for the hundredth time that they can pull things out of dreams. So they concoct a plan to pull Freddy out of the dream world and force him and Jason to fight which is as good as any plan, I guess. But to do that, they need to combat the fact that they fall asleep every 10 damn seconds.
So they head to the psych ward to grab some hypnocil which is apparently not FDA approved yet even though it's been around for at least 20 years at this point. I don't think they're gonna approve it. Anyway, apparently this is the most high tech asylum in the world with its own NASA control center. And they've got a bunch of minority report precogs presumably attempting to see the future of this franchise's box office earning potential.
They scrounge around for hypnocil but then the pothead guy gets, you know, high and sees a truly shitty looking CG hookah smoking centipede thing, which he follows and then is attacked by it which causes him to pour the hypnocil down the drain. That's why you never chase a hookah smoking centipede.
Then Jason shows up and kills the cop in a truly shocking way, am I right? But before Jason could kill all the other non-virgins the Freddy pothead injects Jason with some tranquilizers knocking him out. Before he goes down the pothead is cut in half but that was a risk Freddy was willing to take. Then Jason fights Freddy in his dream and the kids tie Jason up and drive to Crystal Lake. So when they pull Freddy out of the dream the two of them can fight on Jason's home turf because even though Jason has murdered 20 kids in this movie, they're still more afraid of Freddy. And since Jason is unconscious Freddy attacks him in his dreams and pretty much kicks his ass using force powers that he apparently has.
And also speaking of Obi-Wan Kenobi. I hate you.
Once they get close enough they give Lori tranquilizer social fall asleep and be able to grab Freddy and pull him out. But like, they're gonna be able to wake her up. They're using tranquilizers.
Simultaneously Freddy stabs Jason's brain which allows him to access his memories of the time that he died, I guess. And then in that dream memory Freddy tries to drown freaky 11 year old Jason in there but then Jason apparently wakes up because the van crashes. He also tries to have sex with a woman. So that's really more for us, I think. The audience than for Freddy. The kids run away, but twice. Lori can't wake up yet. And also she's being chased by Freddy in the dream. Jason finds them and starts trying to kill everything despite the dweeb kid's best efforts to go full Patriot Mel Gibson on his ass. When you're fake, boo. And then Lori gets burned and wakes up and pulls in Freddy and then the music gets real. But mental is the promise of the movie's title finally comes to fruition. And only for a moment as they soon realize both their moms were named Pamela which causes them to lay down their, just kidding. They killed the dork and Freddy inexplicably reveals that he's racist.
Dark fate. But it's okay because Kia is homophobic. What kind of it runs around in a Christmas sweater?
And also dead. Jason and Freddy get to fighting again and realistically how much force can Freddy really get behind those strikes? I get that he can do a lot of damage with a stab but even with knives in the palm of your hand it's tough to do that much slash damage because you just can't get the torque of say a machete. But whatever. They're fighting and shooting torpedoes at each other I guess and it looks like Freddy's gonna die but then actually it looks like he kills Jason but then Jason rips him apart so I guess Freddy dies but then the doc explodes so I guess they're both dead. But then twist, Freddy is alive so I guess he won but then oops, Jason is alive and stabs him and falls back in the water so maybe Jason is dead now and then Lori kills Freddy again and then Jason dies again. And okay so Jason isn't dead but he's carrying Freddy's severed head so oh no he's alive too. So they're both just alive.
So I guess in the end nothing had all happened. Sorry about that. All good.
Yeah and then I think we should do Wes Craven's new nightmare but I don't know what the joke setup should be. Something meta right? Yeah, yeah you always have the best ideas Dave. Thanks bitch.
No, what? Wait, what?
I hate everything. Sick fuck.
Apparently Wes Craven's got a new nightmare and it starts in a Forge type area with an anvil and everything. Somebody's building metal robot Freddy claws and a dude's hand gets cut off and it's actually revealed that this is a movie set presumably for a new nightmare movie. To that end we see Nancy from the first and third movies but she's being referred to by the actress's real name Heather Langenkamp. She's joined on set by her real life husband a special effects dude named Chase Porter although he's played by an actor and joined by their son Dylan who isn't real in any universe. All of a sudden the robot hand comes alive and starts slashing people but then Heather wakes up in the middle of an active earthquake. Everybody's fine except Chase's hand is cutting the same spot as in the dream and Dylan is eating freaky ass oatmeal. Heather mentioned she's been receiving harassing phone calls from some sort of stalker who is a huge Elm Street fan and they've resulted in some scary nightmares for her in real life. Chase is like, yeah, that does suck.
Well, I'm off to film a soap commercial for two days. I think I can survive two days in Palm Springs supplying soap bubbles for a detergent commercial.
He didn't. And Heather punishes him for leaving her during this important time with just a brutal slap across his ass cheeks.
Ah! And there's another earthquake, LA. All right, Dave? And Heather finds Dylan watching the first Elm Street movie and he loses his damn mind when she turns it off but like, it's not that good, kid. Calm down. Ah!
Heather heads off to an interview leaving Dylan with his babysitter Julie who probably shouldn't be watching children with such a filthy mouth. Sick. Heather's got a real creepy limo driver which would presumably get you fired pretty quick considering how many celebrities he presumably drives but also he's slow because Heather is nearly late to that interview. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Okay, so now she's doing the interview which is tied to the 10th anniversary of the first movie when, surprise, Robert England, the actor who plays Freddy shows up to surprise her and the audience. Also, Heather is asked at some point if she lets her kid watch her movies and this comes up like 15 times and I think Wes is a little insecure about children watching his movies for some reason. Anyway, after the interview, Robert and Heather catch up briefly though it seems like he's a lot more famous than her and Heather gets a phone call about a meeting over at New Line Cinema with Bob Shea, the actual producer of the Nightmare on Elm Street films in real life. One of the advantages of having a movie as meta as this is that half the scenes include some moron who isn't an actor at all. This is one of those scenes.
I guess evil never dies, right? Bob tells Heather that director Wes Craven is writing a new movie which apparently means he's having nightmares again. Heather tries to turn it down but Bob is like, you know, your husband is already working on a cool new glove and Heather is like, well, that was sneaky of him. But whatever, Dylan is again losing his freaking mind and somebody has clawed his dinosaur toy which he claims is the last line of defense between his toes and a freaky old man under his covers which, I mean, I hope you have a better option than just a stuffed dinosaur doll if there are creepy old men in your bed. But hey, at least. Rex is not going to die.
Heather calls Chase to say, Dylan is crazy and acting like Freddy, weirdly, and Chase is like, fine, I'll come home. And as you might expect, Chase falls asleep while driving. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Because even people just associated with these movies have 7 p.m. bedtimes like my own children. Naturally, Freddy tries to get that dick and then definitely gets that chest causing Chase to crash. I assume to death.
He really does, he really goes for that dick. Really? I'm not, I didn't, it's not a joke, Dave. He goes for that dick.
While they wait for Chase to presumably never come home, he didn't. Heather and Dylan read Hansel and Gretel, which Dylan knows by heart, like a little frickin' weirdo. The witch is dead. Then they go to bed and they are woken by the police saying, yeah, Chase is full on dead.
He got that dick. Freddy got Chase's dick. And Heather wants to see the body though, because, I don't know, maybe she wants that dick too? Is that, is that joke too, girl?
Anyway, Heather somehow just walks into the morgue or something and nobody stops her because even though there are like seven exposed dead bodies just lying around, nobody's very worried about visitors. Heather gets a guy to show her Chase's body and he looks pretty dead to me. He's also got a big ol' scrapey scrape on his chest, which I assume is unusual for truck crashes, but I don't drive trucks.
Now she's at this windy funeral and another earthquake happens and she smacks her dome, which instigates a brief nightmare sequence where Freddy drags Dylan into the coffin and Chase is a real dickbag, but then she's woken up by her actor daddy from the first movie. The night is rough, once again, but not in any particularly interesting ways other than Dylan and Heather having a discussion about heaven and God and the problem of evil, but that's been dutter. But that's been done much better in my video about the God's Not Dead movie franchise.
So why not just plug that right here? Can we do that? I don't think we actually can. I don't think we've been playing something anymore.
The next day, daddy actor and Heather hang out at a playground discussing whether she and or Dylan are crazy while notably not at all watching Dylan to see if he's, I don't know, scaling a massive toy rocket ship he intends to leap from to his death. And as her son prepares to literally kill himself, Heather admits at her greatest fears that she is crazy, which is interesting considering her husband just died and her son is about to die. I would think those would be much scarier, but then again, I love my partner and children, so what do I know?
Dylan hot rods off the spaceship, but is somehow miraculously caught in midair by Heather Langenkamp. Stunt professional. Dylan basically says he jumped because he wanted to go to heaven.
Can't argue with that. They head home and Heather calls Robert, but he's painting some crazy shit like a post-presidency George W. Bush. He also mentions that what's happening to Heather? Sounds an awful lot like the script Wes Craven is writing. Weird.
Later that night, Heather is attacked by Freddie, and when she wakes up, Dylan also attacks her with a shitty homemade Freddie glove. And of course, Heather also wakes up from that, and man, where is Leo DiCaprio when you need him? The phone rings and licks Heather and then Dylan pukes and flips out, and she's like, okay, let's take this kid to the hospital, which he probably should have done sometime around his literal suicide attempt. Better late than never, I guess. While there, Heather pulls a terrible mom move and tells Dylan that he can't leave the hospital until he stops being crazy. Now, unfortunately, the nurse believes that Dylan has schizophrenia.
You know, that thing that everybody chooses whether to have her. Heather abandons her only child and drives to Wes Craven's house to be like, hey, so about that script you're writing, really wish you had murdered my husband. Also, can you like stop writing it or finish it or something? And Wes is like, okay, so here's the deal.
There's an ancient supernatural evil that roams the earth or whatever, but every once in a while, somebody writes a horror story that really slaps and contains the evil for a while. Naturally, the Elm Street series, yes, all six movies, were life-changing enough stories that the essence of evil was captured for a while. But now, the movies are finished, so the evil has been released and is haunting Heather because she defeated it in the first movie and she's like, okay, I'm not Nancy. And Wes is like, yeah, but this ancient evil is stupid as shit and can't really tell the difference between you and Nancy. And besides, you're the one who gave Nancy all that power. Furthermore, this evil just loves the Elm Street films, so it's actually retaining the Freddy form while entering the real world. But of course, for all this to succeed, the evil has to get by Gatekeeper, which unfortunately, Heather is you, I guess. Of course, also, this is all in Wes Craven's script that he's actively writing and he thinks the only way to contain the evil is to finish the script and make another movie and have Heather play Nancy one last time, which is a hell of a way to recruit somebody for your dumb horror reboot. At this point, I think Heather would be like, alternate idea, set the script on fire. Don't add anything to it, so maybe it stops or maybe just write, and then Heather was never haunted again and also Chase didn't die and she rode that dick in the middle of an earthquake and it was super cool.
But no, here's Wes's computer where we see that literally everything that's happening is in script form. Which also begs the question, what happens in between scenes? Like, is Heather just appearing at Wes's house or does the script technically include every second of travel time? Is she experiencing her life like we experienced it in the movie, like in bursts, or is the script only covering some of her life? These are important questions. I mean, not really, nothing.
Heather goes home and Freddie appears in a dream, calls her Nancy and slashes her. She then wakes up and heads to the hospital to check on Dylan and Julie is there too and it turns out they've put Dylan in an oxygen tent. The nurse patches up Heather and chastises her for probably showing Dylan her movies and Heather's like, I didn't show him the movies.
He just knows who Freddie is because every kid knows who Freddie is. He's as popular as Santa and like again, Wes, your movies are fine, but they're not that great. Calm down, Wes. Also, I'm sorry for your death. Whatever you want to call it.
Heather finally sees Dylan who starts puking and almost getting murdered by Freddie, but get this. It was a dream. Dylan seems to be fine generally, so Heather heads home to grab Rex because that's as good a plan as they've got and she asks Julie to watch Dylan and not let him fall asleep, but the cops immediately grab Heather, forcing Julie to go freaky nuts and beat the shit out of the nurses. Oh! They still stick Dylan with sleepy drugs though and Freddie murders the hell out of Julie in a way reminiscent of Freddie's first kill in a way back when. Dylan is seemingly not pleased by these events and he escapes. Then Heather comes in and elbows a nurse in her vagina and calls her actor daddy for help. She chases Dylan to the freeway, but the kid crosses while Freddie appears in the clouds to just kind of like make things worth and Heather gets drilled by a car. But other than that, everybody makes it across into Heather's house just fine. Actor daddy arrives and asks to speak with Heather outside for a moment. So they leave her child who has essentially tried to kill himself twice and is maybe possessed by Freddie and is the target of a supernatural, ancient, evil serial killer alone in the house.
He'll be fine, I'm sure. Except, oh no! Upstairs Freddie rises from the sheets like a boner pitching the most evil of tits. Lot chose to go pinch his tits. Excuse me.
But yeah, so they're outside and suddenly they look like they did in the first movie and actor daddy calls her Nancy and she calls him daddy and is it just me or is it getting hot in here? I love you too, daddy. Daddy.
Heather goes back inside and finds a trail of sleeping pills that she believes were left by Dylan like breadcrumbs in Hansel and Gretel. So she pops them like a dozen of them, like me eating cheese balls. And she ends up sliding into a tunnel under the sheets, which sounds like a complicated sex thing, but unfortunately is very literal. Daddy. She ends up in some sort of Freddie temple and sees a movie script on the ground which she opens to this exact part of the movie. Then Dylan shows up and then Freddie shows up and then Heather stabs Freddie with a snake and then slugs him with her famously meaty fists. And they fight and then Dylan stabs Freddie and Freddie chases him into a small fiery place and Freddie can't fit, but he stretches his arm but then Heather stabs him in the penis a bit and Freddie grabs her with his tongue but then Dylan stabs that and they sort of knock Freddie into the fire room and then they set him on fire which causes the temple to forcefully explode. Yeah, they just fall out of the bed covers which again seems like a sex thing, but it's not. On the ground is the script for the movie with a sweet little note by Wes. And the movie itself ends with Heather reading a story to her son about the time her dad was murdered by an ancient evil that was obsessed with their family because of his mom's career choices. That'll help with the nightmares.
Oh, is this like a reboot? Yeah, a reboot. I mean, do I look like an a**hole though?
Stop lying to me. I'm not lying to you. Stop lying to me. I'm not lying to you.
All right, so like most late 2000s, early 2010s horror movies, the A Nightmare on Elm Street reboot starts with a long a** credit sequence like a 40s Disney movie only with creepy kid s**t and also fire. So kind of like 40s Disney movies. Freddie. The main difference between this movie and old Disney movies, this is produced by Michael Bay, bitches. Freddie about to get exploded by a high, high, high, high.
Eventually we open on a wet diner and inside is a mean waitress who won't give this pretty boy some coffee. So he heads into the kitchen, which is probably a major health code violation, but also they're burning a bunch of pigs and s**t back there. So I guess they've got bigger health issues.
Then we get a classic Freddie hand shot and slice dudes awake. He apparently fell asleep eating a bloody face steak and his waitress named Nancy tells him to stop falling asleep. Dude, like seriously. Also turns out that his hand is cut IRL, which is no bueno. Then a different hotter girl named Chris comes in and talks to the boy whose name I literally cannot remember and refuse to look up. I'm just here to meet Dean. And then three other bros elsewhere just want to check even though the sadder one named Quentin would also like a date with Nancy, but it's too much of a Nancy boy to say it out loud. The less sad looking boy named Jesse slammed some non-specific amount of money on the table and leaves. And then the original probably mid-level sad pretty boy tells Chris that his therapist says that he's got problems from his past. And that's when the nightmares began. And then he spills his coffee like a clumsy bitch and falls asleep. They're real. He ends up fighting Freddie, which merely results in him slicing his own throat like anybody would when faced with such poor service.
Nancy. I'm just good. Now they're at the 100th funeral I've seen in this series, but I'm not alone. Because there's a weird little girl dropping in flowers who has taken terrible care of her dress. But all right, this was a dream because Chris passed out mid-funeral like a real piece of shit. Number four.
She then looks at some of the dead guy's photos and realizes, hey, she's in a few of them, but as a little kid. But didn't they not meet until high school? She goes home and looks for more photos from that period of her life that can't find any. And her mom acts real weird about it. Who can remember being five years old? She then heads to the garage to access the attic to find where she thinks the photos might be.
And there's a legitimately super cool shot where it looks like there's a casket in there, but it's actually just the light reflecting off a windshield in the dark. And I very much enjoyed that. Thank you.
Then she's in the attic and it's creepy for many reasons, one of which being they still have a baby crib despite their only daughter being like 25 and still in high school. And also, she's got to be stressed out about how her shirt is hanging off her shoulder the whole time, because that would drive me freaking nuts. So Chris finds a box and in it is the torn up dress that little girl was wearing earlier, which is weird.
And then Freddie shows up, of course, and he says, remember me. But really it's more like remember me because it's played by the guy that played Rorschach in the Snyder Watchman movie, which is actually way scarier. Remember me. And then Chris wakes up and I'm just going to say it.
This whole movie is way scarier and Freddie is way more intimidating. Call me a Philistine and set me on fire, but I will haunt your children with this hot tape. Of course, caveat, the movie still mostly sucks, a fat butt.
Anyway, elsewhere, Nancy sits on her bed doing literally nothing but listening to music, which is a thing I'm sure some kids do, but man, like read a book or something. What are you listening to that's so engrossing? My band? Anyway, apparently not because she falls asleep and then the wall tries to give birth with god-awful CG, but it never quite, you know, gets out there.
The next day, Quentin points out his dad to Nancy, in case she doesn't know. Gonna be late to class. Come on, buddy, let's go. My dad.
She falls asleep in the classroom She falls asleep in the classroom, becomes shit all of a sudden, and Freddie is there, and she screams herself awake, and the teacher is like, AHH! Are you okay, Miss Powell? Instead of just shiting himself blind in fear like any normal human would, after having an unexpected scream like that in a quiet classroom.
Chris heads home, and her mom is leaving because she's a flight attendant, and again, her daughter is definitely old enough to stay by herself in that house. And she'd probably have a job, and she'd probably, I don't know, beyond social security.
That night, Jesse crawls in through the window, even though there are no parents in the house, and he's like, look, I'm having bad dreams, too. And Chris is like, can you spend the night with me? Which, as a father of two girls, is my nightmare.
Chris wakes up and chases her literally Rufus-named dog outside, and what do you know, Freddie kills it. Finally, a horror movie that thinks dog murder is bad. Look at you, Resident Evil. Chris runs inside, but now it's a preschool with jump-roping kids again, and Freddie, and then she wakes up and fine. Here's her toe ring, you pervert. She washes her face in the bathroom, and then comes back to bed for a jump scare that quite literally made me jump. Found you. For the first and only time in this entire series.
She then gets murdered just like the first girl in the first movie, but it's kinda funny-looking. But then she's dead, which is less funny. But then Jesse runs away, which is kinda funny again. Elsewhere, Nancy paints, because she's a huge Van Gogh fan, apparently, and she's also a huge fan of drawing little dick people.
Jesse busts in and is like, I didn't kill Chris, and also if you die in your dream, you'll die for real, and the bad guy's name is Freddie. Then he jumps out the window and is promptly arrested because he is fortunately white enough to not be gunned down on the spot just by being coated in blood. They throw him in jail, but he gets roommates, so that's nice. Eh, he does fall asleep, though, and get murdered by Freddie, which is last night.
The next day, Quentin and Nancy agree to meet, and Quentin does some research on sleep deprivation on the popular search engine Gigablast with its popular blasted feature. He learns, surprisingly, that it's bad to not sleep. He then seemingly takes that Gigablast to heart and passes out, which causes him to see a little girl who he follows, naturally, to discover Freddie, who is helping sub at a preschool, presumably because all the regular teachers are out with coke. Quentin wakes up and offers Nancy some speed drugs, which she declines, and then Quentin reveals that he's a Christian, which some say is an opiate of the masses.
We gotta blame something, you know? That night, Nancy asks her mom if Nancy is somehow connected to all the kids who are dying, and her mom is like, nope, good night, no more questions, goodbye, good sleeping. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I don't think so. And Nancy's a little suspicious.
Nancy then sort of recreates the iconic bath scene from the first movie, but not fully, so. She falls asleep and dreams about a school and gets licked by Freddie, so that when she wakes up, she calls Quentin over, and the two of them tear apart Nancy's mom's shit, and ultimately discovering a photo of all the kids together in preschool.
Nancy and her mom yell about lies back and forth for a minute. Stop lying to me, lying to you. And then the mom admits, okay, well, I wanted you to forget, cause some bad stuff happened.
She explains that there was a gardener who lived in the basement of the preschool, which, first question, what kind of preschool needs a full-time live-in gardener? Were these children British royalty? But whatever. The gardener named, hey, get this, Freddy Krueger. Super love the kids, but like, really love the kids.
And Nancy's mom said he left town one day before the cops could talk to him about it, and Nancy's bad dreams are probably just repressed memories from that period of her life. Nancy and Quentin go outside, and Quentin helpfully points out his dad again. Quentin, get in the car.
It's my dad. Cause again, he's really worried that Nancy just doesn't know who his dad is. Just so we're all on the same page, it's this guy. You got that, Nancy? My dad, it's my dad.
And now Quentin rocks out with his cock, almost out, in a tiny little speedo at swim practice. Some Christian. He attempts to swim, but clearly he sucks at it because he completely botches the turn, and then he starts drowning, but comes up in a sh** abandoned warehouse. He watches Freddy run from a bunch of parents, and then ultimately gets set on fire, which probably means that the preschool weeds are about to be out of control. Then Quentin wakes up choking, because I guess he fell asleep while swimming, which is something Michael Phelps would never do. This kid ain't gonna win Olympic sh**. While Quentin flounders around like a gimpy, thin Nemo, Nancy does some more giga blasting.
She looks up all the other kids from their graduating preschool class, and is bummed to learn they're all dead. Well, except for Marcus, who made a bunch of vlogs about his horrible nightmares, and then maybe gets killed mid-vlog, but if so, who uploaded the vlog?
Whatever. Quentin goes straight from d**k's out practice to confront his dad, because Quentin thinks that Freddy was innocent, which is interesting, because even if he was then, he's not so much now. What, with all the murders and all? His dad is like, chill out, bro. We did the right thing, unless we did, but either way, dude is burnt, so who cares? And Quentin is like, ugh, parents.
And he and Nancy go try and get more speed deals. The pharmacist says, on this, you're out of refills. So Nancy keeps herself awake by burning her arm with a cigarette lighter, but like, pick a less visible spot, Nancy. It doesn't work anyway, because the drugstore keeps turning into a boiler room, and she gets stabbed pretty good. But also, get this, she brings a piece of Freddy's sweater into the real world. Does this hint at a possible way to fight back against Freddy? But while they ponder the ramifications of this exciting new development, they take Nancy to get fixed up at the hospital. While they're quitting to steal some big syringes full of adrenaline, which is pretty ballsy, and then he and Nancy run away before the doctors can give Nancy sedatives or something that'd knock her out.
They drive to the old preschool where they were so loved. It's a little bit darker than I remember. But on the way, they see Freddy in the road and swerve out of the way so they don't hit him, but like, they probably should have. Now they break into the preschool, which should absolutely be the plot of the next Oceans movie.
And they end up in the basement where there are a lot of knives and shit. To be fair, a lot of gardeners cut the grass with knife gloves.
So that doesn't mean anything yet. They open a hole in the wall though to reveal a secret room that Nancy kind of remembers.
And there are photos of her that prove Freddy is not a great dude. Surprise, surprise, the weird looking dude who liked kids was worthy of being burned alive without a trial or anything. That's why crack.com is a major proponent of burning weird dudes alive.
And I dare my boss to watch this far into the video and refute me. It won't happen.
So anyway, they decide, get this, when Nancy falls asleep, but Quentin stays awake and then Nancy can grab Freddy in the dream and Quentin could wake her up. And then if she's grabbed him hard enough, Freddy will be in the real world and they can feed him to death like a heavy Bible or something. Because Quentin is a Christian. Oh. Of course, Quentin, despite shooting himself up with literal adrenaline, falls asleep within milliseconds. Like he falls asleep so fast, I think he actually might fall asleep faster than Nancy. Freddy slashes Quentin and then stalks Nancy into a house and she gets stuck in quick blood and sinks through a ceiling and now is wearing a little girl dress and paralyzed on a bed and look.
I am all for making something creepy, but literal out and out attempted pedophilic rape is a little much. It honestly comes across more as disgusting and off-putting than actually terrifying. Just feels like shock content for shock's sake. This coming from the guy who has said come more than no times, which is too many times. Well, whatever.
Nancy stabs Freddy to no avail and then Quentin apparently wakes up and tries to wake up Nancy to no avail. Well, until he shoves a syringe into her damn chest, which very much avails her of wakefulness. Pretty ballsy of Quentin to go for the shove syringe into chest tactic, like a guy who got all his medical training from Pulp Fiction.
Why not the leg or the arm? Why the literal tits? Was he actually going for the heart?
That's insane. Anyway, Nancy pulls in Freddy and the three of them fight a bit and then Nancy slits his damn throat and calls him a bitch because calling people bitches is Freddy's bitch. Then they set his corpse on fire, which is quite a bit of insult on top of injury and worse, it's a massive waste of taxpayer money. I hope you're paying those firefighters out of pocket, Nancy. Nancy and Quentin ride in an ambulance and then Nancy makes up with her mom, you know, the accomplice to murder. Lynn, oh, shit, Freddy kills her from the mirror.
Man, parenting is tough. All right, well, you're done with the main stuff, but I actually made a couple little short, funny sketches with my friends and I'd love your feedback on it. No, I won't do it. I have to wake up. It doesn't have to be a big deal, bitch. I think a few of them are pretty funny. Just looking for some, you know, honest critique. No. Ahhh! That was the last time I knew better than the best of them. |
dropout | weird_al_gets_whiplashed | Hey, how you doin'? Sorry I'm late. Uh, anyway, thanks for meeting me like this.
Gotta get my chops up. I'm a little out of practice. Somebody's got a big concert tour comin' up this year.
Tell me it's not you, Elmer Fudd. Well, no, actually, it is me.
So, anyway, you know, put me through my paces. Don't be afraid to really crack the whip, all right? I wanna be perfect. So let's warm up with a little, uh, beer barrel polka, okay? Whenever you're ready.
No? Not quite my tempo.
It's all good. No worries.
Here we go. Five, six, seven... You're rushing. Here we go.
Uh, ready? Yeah! Sure!
Five, six, and... Dragging just a hair. Oh, come on! Wait for my cue. Sorry. Five, six, seven... Rushing. Five, six, and... Look, when I said I wanted to be perfect, I-I didn't mean perfect perfect. Or 93. Five, six, and...
Do you think you're out of tune? Not really. I-I think I sound kind of awesome. I mean, if you don't like awesome, that's-that's one thing, but yeah, I don't-I don't- Wait.
There's no fucking Mars bar down there.
What are you looking at? Look up here. Look at me.
Actually, there is a Mars bar. I got to keep them handy. Got this, uh, low blood sugar thing. Hmm. You want a bite? Hey, what do you have?
Hey!
Why do you suppose I just hurled a chair at your head? I honestly don't know.
True, you do. You're trying to win an Oscar?
Whoa!
You know, you can see all my tour dates and buy tickets right now at weirdal.com.
Then why the fuck didn't you say so? Sorry. Why are you still sitting there? Get the fuck out! Sorry! |
SaturdayNightLive | tbs_march_madness_cold_open_snl | March Madness post-game coverage. Ernie Johnson alongside Kenny the Jett Smith. K-k-k-kenny, I'm the Jett. just trying something, I'm sorry. Thanks, Kenny. now we owe Elton John $10,000. that's great. Also, here's Charles Barkley. Ernie, you know what? I'm just gonna admit it. I am not an expert on college basketball. I am much more comfortable on my other show. you know, the one on Cnn with Gayle King, where I talk about immigration and the war on the Ukrainian. Well, nonetheless, a semifinal matchup between number one-seated Uconn and the fourth-seat Alabama is just wrapped up with Uconn victorious. Fellas, initial reactions to what we saw on the court tonight. Ernie, can I be real with you?
I don't watch it. Me either, you know, it's just hard to get excited when there's better games on. you mean the Nba?
Oh, the women's tournament. that's right. And then the women are excited. Man, the women's tournament is where the action's at.
You know how many people watch the Iowa, Connecticut game? Kaitlin Clark versus Paige Becker's? 14 million people. Man, that's Young Sheldon number. Plus, women's tournament got the stars, you know?
Kaitlin Clark is doing ads for State Farm, Subway, Xfinity, and Nike. I'm only doing ads for three of those companies.
And, man, can she shoot. I mean, did you see that shot that she made in the Connecticut-south Carolina game? she doesn't play for either of those teams. Oh, yeah, I know. she shot it from a different arena. And can I tell you something else about Kaitlin Clark? She dunked on me once. No, really? yeah, on the set of a Subway ad, Man, we were just shooting around, and in between takes, suddenly, boom, she jumped 10 feet in the air, and then she just posterized me and hung onto the rim, wrapped her legs around my hand and said, welcome to the Cream Team, you bald-headed bitch. Gotta respect that. gotta respect that level of trash talk. Man, she is so cool.
But we gotta talk about the men, too. Okay, fine, let's just get it out the way. Okay, the men's final this Monday is, I believe, between Klimonak College versus Northern Southern State. neither of those are real schools. it's actually Purdue, Connecticut. Charles, can you break down the matchups for us? Well, I guess I don't get paid unless I do, So here we go. All right, him and him. let's see, this guy on this guy, half-stash on braids. let's see, baby face versus baby face. tall, white versus tall Asian. Yeah, I think that about covers it. You know, let's talk to an actual college basketball expert. joining us now via satellite with her take on attorney as Lsu Women's Coach, Kim Mulkey.
Kim, thanks for being here. Hey, boys, just deal my pickle. Kim, you look great. I love that outfit. Well, thank you, Charles. I got this custom made. I just told him, make me look like the Riddler went to Talbots.
Now, Coach, you're known for being tough on your players. some say too tough. Oh, please, people think I'm just mean because I got rest in qanon face. But that's what it takes to win in the college game, and I work my girls hard. every day, I make them run 10 miles breathing in Louisiana swamp gas. then we practice full contact, and if I don't see hustle, I'll throw a live alligator on the court. you better box out that Gator. don't get right up now. Okay, then, Coach, who do you like for the men's final on Monday? oh, uh, Northern Southern State. she's clearly not watching it either. All right, thanks, Coach. Oh, man, I like her, man. she is tough, and that's why her teams always win, except this year when they lost. All right, guys, women's college final is tomorrow.
Who you got? Well, it's going to be close. you know what? let's see who Vegas likes for this one. All right, let me just Google, All right. Vegas Women's spread.
Okay, that is not what I thought it was going to be. Well, I'm going with South Carolina. I mean, they haven't lost a single game this entire season. Oh, come on, Kenny. you know Iowa is a team of destiny, man. they're hot right now, and they've got the greatest player of her generation. that's why I bet 500,000, they're going to lose by 10. You have a problem, Charles. keep it here and laugh it from the other side. |
cracked | the_steve_buscemi_method_of_acting | Roll it tail sleep and action Okay, Steve It's just you and me. All right, let everything else just fade away Okay, now look over your shoulder Good Now keep looking there but what I want you to do I want you to just Bug your eyes out. Okay way out like good like a Stress toy. Oh Oh Yeah, nailed it. Yes. You like the Lawrence Olivier that I swear Staple flounder to my neck. I couldn't do that. Okay, uh Here's eye lines.
All right, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Let's uh, let's go in for the close Huh, give me a bucket now Okay, Steve Getting in really tight now and I really want to develop this moment. Okay, and we don't even have a line to do it So just give me if you would a range of facial expressions like we talked about in rehearsal, yeah Yeah, that's one. Give me another one Uh-huh Okay, that's okay Steve, you know what I think we got some really good He be there right? Okay. Oh, it's all the he bees are good. Let's get and let's get some G B's You know, whatever that means to you.
No Jesus, that's what that means to you Like the cigarette like the sauce so much worse, okay, you know, I trust you I Trust you so much on this one. I'm not even gonna look All directing trick I learned. Okay, but here's what I want you to do just Move your eyeballs independently of one another like a snail stalk. Is he doing it? You doing it? I'm gonna look. Oh More like a gecko, but I like how wet they are Okay, okay, so real quick Steve fast as you can hold that but uh Make your eyes red as fuck like you're really high Jot one yellow tooth out like some kind of human monster and Then wrinkle your paper thin brow until we see those little yeah The little thin blue veins like a like a roadmap to hell somehow fitting in your pallid bloodless visage. Oh Like you do the thing like the guy from identity. Will you shake your eyeballs? Close close, but let's mix in a little Peter Laurie reincarnated as a pedophile Masterpiece Okay, this is this is why the Oscars TVB and we got it right we got it all in It's all you gotta stop doing that now.
You got cut already for God's sake. We're cut. We're fucking cut I'm gonna break after every shot Okay, yeah, killer work Steve take five don't look at me just go Tail slate Fargo scene 6-8 take one mark.
I wake Joel up. Tell him it's his shift. I'm gonna go lay down I swear to God if that bastard did not secretly write all of our screenplays. We would never hire him Oh so good, right? He's when you can bear to look he's very impressive great guy, too. Very nice Hey everybody, this is Dan Michael Katie and the other guy from after hours If you enjoy the shirts that we're wearing in the show You could own these shirts yourself because we have a new cracked store called the crack dispensary Come and get your shirts and you could be just like us and argue just like us good getting models for this. I Am a model 100% cotton that's perfect. Thank you |
SaturdayNightLive | bill_saddam_and_monica_have_a_three_way_call_snl | Chill out, you got Saddam. Saddam, it's me, Bill Clinton. Bill, come on. I'm eating breakfast. I made the deal. I'm letting the inspectors back in. now lay off. Well, that's what I'm calling you about. You see, I was thinking, maybe you could not let the inspectors in. what do you think? come on. have you been drinking, Bill? no. well, yes.
Look, Buddy, I need you to help me out here. this Monica Lewinsky thing is getting pretty hot again. I could use a distraction. like the Mamet movie, Wagged The Dog. Mamet? with that lesbian girl and De Niro and Dustin. I thought Dustin was fabulous. you know, he may be hell on the set, but he's heaven on the screen.
Oh. look, sad, Buddy. you're getting off the subject. couldn't you spray a few curds with Anthrax? come on, Bill. Bill, come on. Anthrax is horrible. it makes me sick.
I need something. I've got to get this sex stuff out of the headlines. just hold on a second. I've got another call coming in. Hello? hey. hey, Monica. I was just going to call you. gosh, it's like we have the same brain. I really miss you. So what are you doing? Well, I got Saddam on the other line. looks like there ain't going to be a war. well, that bites. Totally. Anyway, how's that star thing going? Oh, no. and anyway, it's totally dumb. Oh, my God. wait, are you watching Dawson's Creek right now? no, I am typing it. And Do Not tell me what happens to Pisces.
All right, hey, let me say hi to Saddam. Ok, hold on a second. Saddam, are you still there? Who is that, one of your Jewish friends? No. well, yes. Hey, Saddam.
Monica, you never call me anymore. Monica, oh, thanks for the Beret.
I love it. I love it. you're so cute.
Bill is being such a big baby. he won't wear his. did you hear? Bill wants me to start a war or something. duh, I know. it's like it would really, really help us out. Monica, Please come To Baghdad. No One cares who I sleep with here. Saddam. Oh, but Bill, you already said you had no sexual relationship with Monica.
Wait, hold on one second. I've got a call coming in. Hello? hey, Saddam, what's going on, man? Tim Meadows. Oh, I'm just talking to Bill and Monica. Oh, great, put me on. one second. Hey, guys. I've got Tim Meadows on the line from Saturday Night Live.
Hey, Tim. hey, Tim. hey, guys. how you doing? Hey, Timmy, how's it going? Oh, not too bad. what's up with you guys?
Saddam agreed to a treaty. Oh, no chance of a war, huh? No, I doubt it. Hey, how about Saddam? Just let the inspectors uncover some anthrax somewhere, like in a palace or something? if I had any, sure.
Oh, say, Timmy, did you talk to Mr. Lauren Michaels of your Saturday Night Live? Yeah, yeah. Well, is he going to let me host? Look, Saddam, baby, I asked him. he said no. Well, did you tell him about my Jimmy Stewart impression? Timmy, Timmy, it is dead on. believe me, I know, but Nbc is so afraid to take chances. Well, well, well, well, Timmy, you tell Mr. Lauren Michaels in Nbc that all Jimmy Stewart wants to host the show.
God, that is so funny. Hey, Saddam, I'll tell you what. you provoke a war, I'll get you the spot on Snl. you can do this? Bill can do anything. I would be the, I would be the happiest man alive. I could say it. Oh, come on, I've said it. it's no big deal. say it. I bet you'd be great at it, Saddam. please say it. Yeah, say it, Saddam. say it. come on. Ok, Live time from the New York. it's Saturday Fun Hour. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_molly_shannon_2k23_snl | Are you guys ready to talk ideas? Molly! hey, Molly. come on in. we're just playing some video games. Nice, dude. come on. do you want to know the truth? Wait, what game is this? it's your game, Molly Shannon 2k23. it's really fun. you play as Molly Shannon, balancing your career as an actor with raising a family. we're on the Tonight Show side quest. and that's how I embarrass myself in front of Obama. Funny anecdote unlocked. Yes, dude. Oh, you just cracked Jimmy up. there's a game about my life. Oh, dude. we unlocked an Nyu commencement speech. press A to tell kids to follow their dreams, or B to do a tirade on cancel culture. B, B, B. don't press B. this generation is a bunch of snowflakes. career setback. damn it. that just made us drop all our turnips. What are Turnips? turnips are dollars. you can use them to buy new outfits in the Molly Market. you should talk to someone about that.
I haven't talked to anyone about any of this. I mean, shouldn't I be getting paid or something?
I would assume so. they've been making them for, like, years. we've been playing since we were kids. So much more fun than our old game. Super Mario Batali. isn't that cool? Oh, my god. is that my daughter?
Yep. just giving Stella the birds and the bees talk. And remember, always use two condoms. Thanks, Mom. here's a Turnip. Turnips!
I didn't ever tell her that. wait, what's happening now? Combat Mode. our mollies are fighting to the death. I'm gonna kill you, bitch. we can also do the skate level. we just learned how to make twists. I'm gonna kill you, bitch. there's a couple bugs, but 2k24 is supposed to be flawless. Dude, dude, emotional levels are low. we got to go to the therapist. make yourself vulnerable, Molly! Yes! In college, I actually dated a woman. how does it know that?
This game rules. you could be any Molly Shannon you want. you could be a superhero or a rapper. I don't want to be a rapper. I want to be Me, Molly Shannon, myself. Okay, I'm tired of getting yelled at for a hobby that I have. see you later, Molly.
Bye. bye, Mom. I actually feel like Donald could have all of them get cut.
Oh, my. Molly, are you playing the game still? I became a rapper. What? I made my Molly a rapper, and I'm really good now. I'm level 99. out the gate. shout out like a cannon. say my mother-loved name. you know it's Molly Shannon doing high tips. And you know what the verdict is. in the Molly game, stay collecting turnips. r That's what I'm talkin' about. that was awesome. so good. that sounded decinside. Oh, my gosh! thank you. |
SaturdayNightLive | g_e_d_triumph_saturday_night_live | Well, it's May, and that means high school graduation is right around the corner. But we want to make sure that another group of graduates are not forgotten, the people who earn their Ged. that's not a joke there. here with his own personal story of triumph on the general equivalency diploma is Mr. Jorge Rodriguez. Thank you very much, Mr. Fallon. when I began to study for the Ged, I was a father of four. my back had just gone out, and I lost my job at the Post Office. Nobody will hire me.
Not Ups, Not Federal Express, Not Dhl, not, um, uh. What, like Airborne Express? Airborne Express.
I couldn't even get a job delivering pizza. Not at Pizza Hut, not at Domino's, Little Caesar, not at, uh. at, um. Papa John's. No, I didn't apply at Papa John's. All right, we got one, everybody.
So, anyway, I took the Ged, and I failed it. I failed science, I failed math, I failed, uh. English. Yeah, I failed everything. Then I got serious about it, and I took it again. But I failed it again. So I sat down, and I said to myself, get real. you gotta pass this test. I got super serious, and I studied my hat off, and I still failed. I still failed. But you failed three times? No, I failed five times. Then I said, I'm gonna take this thing one last time.
And my friend Pepe told me that he passed by putting the letter C for every answer. And then he passed. No, my friend Pepe was wrong. Why are you here? I'm looking for Pepe. Anybody know Pepe? anybody? I think he was just up there. he got removed. Don't worry. don't worry, Jimmy Fallon. I'm gonna get Pepe. your ass is grass, and I'm the lawnmower. I'm the Toro, I'm the Honda, I'm the Yandere, I'm the Snapper, I'm A. That's enough. Jorge Rodriguez, everyone. it is super fun. it is super fun. |
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