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SaturdayNightLive | the_art_dealers_new_neighbors_snl | I'm excited to meet our new neighbors. when did they move in? Oh, I think, uh, yesterday. ooh, wow. they moved in fast. huh. oh, gosh. hey. oh, hello. come in. come in, please. Hi. uh, we're the clerks. uh, we wanted to welcome you to Asp, and we brought you a bottle of wine. oh, great. And I made some cookies. Oh, gluc, he's my favorite. Darling, our new neighbors have arrived. he's coming!
I hope you will excuse me. I was moonbathing on the roof. Oh, well, um, thank you for having us over, Mr. and Mrs. Schoner. Oh, no, please. call me Nooney. and you can call me Nooney. Oh, wait. I-i'm confused. I thought your name was Nooney.
No, no, no. she is Nooney. Yes, I am Nooney. He is Nooney. No-nooney, right. No, no. Nooney. No, that-that's what I'm saying. Nooney. yeah, yes, for her, But don't look at me and say Nooney. Nooney. Nooney. you Must clench your buttocks. Nooney.
Oh, who gives a flip? join us in the sitting area. Please come. Hey. hey, hey, Noonies. um, is there a, uh, another chair I can sit on?
Oh, that's it right there. it's looking at you. Oh, perfect.
So I-i sit up on the teeth? don't be crazy. you sit on the tongue. this thing's making the back of my pants wet. why wouldn't it? it's a tongue. don't worry. we have guest pants. Tyco, a fresh pair of pants, please. Oh, these are practical. uh, you guys got any pants that aren't see-through? No. oh, would you look at that. my pants are dry already. you know, Tyco, I'm not gonna need these anyway. thank you. I'm good.
Honey, this chair is making me dizzy. your wife is so strange. what is the name? Oh, that's, uh, that's Heather. Sheckhart. Heather. Alosau. it's Heather with an H. Checo, but you can't. And no. er, er, Erma. Sheckhart.
Erma-sharm. that's it. Erma-sharm. That's it.
Last week was my birthday. I missed it.
Uh, what are these? they're meat peels. And what is that? they're capsules made from meats. turkey, salami, duck, eel, beef, and peach. peach? peas. peas. like a dune of peach. dune of peach. You don't have a dune of peach? Like dune of peach sandwich. dune of peach. like the children have a toast. dune of peach. dune of peach. Oh, don't go sleep over it, Mike. let's eat our peels.
Honey, Honey, this chair is making me kind of nauseous. isn't it wonderful? it makes you feel sick. you'll feel better once you have a drink, Bouncy. Tyco, the drinks! Who wants milk? Please give Mike milk! Mike Milk! No, no, no. Tyco, I don't want any milk.
No, thank you, Tyco. I'm fine. thank you.
You know what? we should probably get going. Wait, you're not staying for the dessert couples? No, we have dessert couples at home. you know what? we'll never come back to visit again. maybe soon. And none of these days, we'll go skiing.
How about that? Honey, I think I'm going to barf. Yeah, me too. Oh, they were delightful. I'm really going to miss them. Yes. Tyco, Dessert Couples. Ooh! ooh! ooh! mmm, delicious. I love this. |
TheOnion | ONN_Exclusive_Fire_Ninja_Inferno_Becomes_First_Openly_Gay_Fatal_Melee_Fighter | No matter this year's outcome, Lord Moldor's fatal melee tournament is already an historic one, as fire ninja Inferno has become the first openly gay combatant ever summoned to fight in the Underrealm. Just days away from the interdimensional kumite, Inferno took a break from training to talk about his experience after coming out. Inferno, thank you for talking with me. My pleasure, Dave. Now, in the months leading up to the tournament, before Lord Moldor selected his combatants, you had a message for the worlds. What was it? My name is Inferno, I'm 900 years old, I'm a proud gay man, and I'm here to fight people and monsters to the death. There's been a media circus around you since you came out, what has it been like?
Coming out was definitely the scariest thing I've ever done. Now that I've done it, nothing scares me.
Before Inferno's announcement, he was considered one of Earth's deadliest berserkers, a lock for the tournament. During his flawless wins against Tommy Hollywood, while the movie megastar was standing confused and woozy, Inferno tore him in half and built a snowman out of his body.
And yet now, some people are questioning your toughness. Commentators are saying you're too slow to fight the robots, too small to fight the monsters, and you're smiling at that. Why?
Let's just say that no one was talking like that before my announcement. I got a whole trophy room full of skulls that says I'm ready.
But it must have been harder to brush off the comments of former combatant and two-time champion Officer Lance Clubber. We didn't have to deal with distractions like gay combatants when I was fighting. These killers shouldn't be forced to share a ring with an abomination like that. I'd like to remind Officer Clubber that people said the same thing 50 years ago, when Piston Jackson became the first black fighter to enter the tournament.
But there's also been a lot of support. Even your arch nemesis Blizzard, who praised your bravery and said it will be an honor to eviscerate you and consume your still-beating heart. I gotta give it to him for that. I will kill him, but I appreciate his class. Now, walk me through that huge moment when, on selection day, the portal opened up and you had become the first openly gay fighter summoned to the Underrealm. That must have been thrilling. It's everything I fought for. To get to share that moment with my family, with Scott, there aren't words to describe the feeling. You're already a hero to many in the gay community.
To that kid out there going through a similar struggle, what would you say? I didn't set out to be a role model. But if there is a young gay person out there interested in learning martial arts and getting cursed by a magic ruby, I want them to know they can do it.
Since that interview was recorded, Inferno has defeated Tatiana, Ling Tao, and the evil version of himself. His next opponent is Robitar. |
SaturdayNightLive | couples_counselor_snl | Well, you did it. you got me to couples therapy. let's see if this works. I promise it will, Ted. she's the highest rated therapist on Zocdoc. this will be good for us.
I am so sorry about that. I was just on a call.
I am Dr. Wyatt. and tell me, what brings you in here today? I'm just not sure if Ted really loves me anymore. he's always locked in his basement, reading anime. it's manga, sweetie. it's only the most important art form of the 21st century. What about me, Ted? am I important?
Guys, let's try to work together instead of attacking each other, okay? I'm sorry. do you mind if I take this? Bitch, I told you not to call me while I'm working. Oh, really? Oh, you gonna shoot me? Well, I'd like to see you try. come through, bitch. it's on sight. Now, as I was saying, it is all about communication. I'm sorry, did somebody just threaten to shoot you? No, no, no. she doesn't even know where I work. Have you always been afraid of, um, conflict? Well, I wouldn't put it like that. I mean, I. well, you need to get that? no. this is your time. please continue. I mean, I guess I don't love conflict. my father was an angry guy, especially if he was drinking. Okay, I. I actually. I do have to take this. But hold that thought, because anger is never the answer. yeah, ho, where you at?
Okay, because I'm at 453 Union Street, 5th floor, and there's three of us in here, and we all strapped. Now, where were we? honey, well, honey, what's trapped? Are we strapped? No, no, we are not. we are.
What? should we leave? absolutely not. matter of fact, this is the perfect opportunity to practice expressing our emotions. Oh, let's try an exercise, okay? Why don't you read these texts to me from my partner and tell me how you would respond?
Uh, okay. um, fine. uh, okay. girl. ah, ah, ah, don't. don't do that, boys. Okay, uh. girl, you think you're the only one selling fish out in these streets, but I don't need your stinky tuna when I get a beach full of fresh pink salmon every time it rains. I'ma bring a gun to your office. Okay, I'm calling the police. she's not serious. Oh, lord! Hit the floor! I thought you said she wasn't serious. she's not. what's good, bitch? now everybody's getting super soaked. Oh, no, baby, this is my work wig. what is this all about?
I don't know. maybe you should ask Clarissa. ain't that who you been texting? I ain't been texting nobody. actually, you did text Clarissa. that's it. I'm about to get my real gun. no, no, no, no, no. wait, wait, wait. can you open up Clarissa's texts and read her what I said?
Me? okay, sure. uh. girl. don't do the voice. Girl, you think I want your two-day-old catfish when the tilapia I get at home is so wet it makes the river jealous? lose this number or I'll set your car on fire. Okay, I don't want to read these out loud anymore. maybe that's what you were saying to her? Yes, baby. Okay, well then, okay, I got a little text for you. could you read that to me? Well, she could say it to you. Oh, come on, read the damn text. Fine. girl. wait, give me the voice. girl.
Why are we counting fish when our love is the whole damn ocean? Deep and wide and wet as hell.
Okay, is that really how you feel? I think so. Oh, my God. I think we have made a lot of progress here today. you did all this on purpose to help us? Yeah! let's just go with that. Okay, that'll be $675. no insurance. cash only. or else. |
dropout | what_you_hope_happens_when_you_share_a_youtube_video | There was an explosion down at the Dildo factory! The town is filling up with dildos! Hey Shavad, come look at this. What is it? We'll call Mr. Dildo! We need all his Dildo secrets!
This is incredible. Oh yeah. You found a video on the internet that you didn't even make and then you called me over here? Even though you knew. I had stuff to do. That is so generous. Yes. It is.
Hey everybody! Get in here! You gotta see this!
What? What is it?
Grant found a video on the internet and it changed me. I'm skeptical. I've seen a lot of internet videos and they've all left me cold and empty and mean.
Shh. Look. Dildo machine is stuck on huge! It's beautiful. Grant, you found this video a full five minutes before I would have.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, redirect, milliseconds. Gosh, you know I truly am humbled by all of this. A lot of people would say that it isn't special to share a YouTube video but follow you. No true heroism when you see it. What's the meaning of this rabble? Back to your toils!
Great show, Mr. Reich. Look. Tell the aliens to put more dildos in their alien butts. My god.
I've been wasting my life. Everyone, I'm quitting my job today.
I'm going to become a curator, named a tastemaker, just like this half. Woo! Oh, my god. It's that, the dildo boys, from the video. Yo, Grant, we heard you showed some people a new video. Here, take this.
It's all the money we got from it. A billion dollars?
You deserve it. You're special, different, you're real. Do you feel that? Yes, ever lose it. Here's your giant fake check.
Grant. Hey, isn't that the captain of your high school swim team, the one you always wished was gay? Yes, it is. You described him perfectly. I hear you shared a funny YouTube video with somebody. I've always wanted to be with someone who really gets the internet. Can I take you out on a date? Right this way, Mr. O'Brien. Would you mind if I ate without my shirt on while you felt my arms? No. Great. That's really nice. Yeah. How do you get your shoulders to grant?
Dad, you're back from the war? War's over, son. The commander's heard you showed a coworker video that showed up in your Facebook feed because someone else had already shared it. Both sides simultaneously surrendered. I'm proud of you, son.
Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's, is this better? All right, it feels worse. OK, thanks for watching. |
TheOnion | Representative_Wants_To_Meet_More_Kids_Online | 63% of our public elementary schools provide children with little or no access to the internet. That is completely unacceptable in this day and age. Without basic familiarity of the internet, without knowing how to browse, chat, and search online, our nation's youth do not have the skills they need to enter the 21st century workforce. I've researched this issue personally, and it is dear to my heart. I have been to children's chat rooms and have been shocked and disappointed to find they are frequently empty. Even when these youngsters do manage to find their way online, they lack the skills to do something as simple as pinpoint their location on Google Maps.
We've made significant progress wiring the nation's schools for the internet, but we have to do more. Every child in America should have an internet-capable computer, not just at the school, but in their bedroom at home, preferably with a high-resolution webcam. My fellow representatives, I hope you take this matter seriously, as I do.
Then I'll know we're doing our job supporting technology in this country. Vote yes on HR 372.
Though our children's bodies may be small and supple, their minds should swell with knowledge. They must get the computer skills they need today. Also, I'd like to fuck these kids in the ass. I yield the remainder of my time. |
dropout | fake_news_prank | Hi, we're here today to prove that people will believe anything you say if you phrase it like a question and are holding a microphone. On late night, on Friday night, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West appeared and they said that they're going to be putting the baby up for adoption because they don't think that they will be fit parents. What do you think about this decision? I mean, truly, you know they have the means to support the child, but it comes to whether they think they can pay the full attention necessary to the child, and if they don't think so, I think it's a smart decision. How crazy would it be to grow up as like an orphan or something and then later in your life figure out that your parents were Kanye West and Kim Kardashian?
You know, I thought about Beyonce and Jay-Z and they had been in a relationship for I think like five or six years before they had the decision to have a child. You know, Jay-Z and Beyonce were together for 10 years.
What do you think the difference is? Even though they've been together for 10 years, it was still like totally different dealing with now like trying to shelter a kid, you know, so it's hard either way. Today's new movie, Lincoln, Steven Spielberg portrays Abraham Lincoln as being HIV positive in an effort to raise awareness for the disease, even though it's factually inaccurate. What do you think about that? Saying that he has AIDS might not have actually, not that I'm thinking about it, been too wrong. Spielberg is saying that it doesn't actually change the narrative necessarily of the movie because of Abraham Lincoln's chlamydia, so it's sort of a similar but different situation. The severity of HIV, I just, I don't think that they should be interchangeable.
Kristen Stewart's new movie, which is a biopic about Adolf Hitler, she's going to play the title character, Adolf Hitler. Do you think she's doing this for her career or do you think she's doing it for shock value? It's probably interesting. I think it's a good thing because after playing in such a big movie as Twilight, it's the same with Harry Potter. It's hard to get other roles. This could definitely push her acting in a different way than all of her other roles.
It's very different. I think it's good. So it could be a good thing, it could be a negative thing. It's interesting. It's different. I mean, I'll wait and see what it's like, but now that you've told me about it, I'm pretty interested in seeing what it's about.
She's saying she's going to portray Hitler fairly and honestly. What do you think that means? As a human, I maybe kind of get a more rounded view of him. Yeah, definitely. I mean, Hitler's been demonized over time ever since World War II. It's suddenly strange, but I've seen Cate Blanchett play Bob Dylan.
In a speech to the National Science Foundation, President Obama said that genetics research has reached the point where we could create a park not unlike the one from Jurassic Park. Do you think that we should be cloning dinosaurs?
No, because they'll eat everybody. Not really. Maybe mammoths.
The idea is that it would generate billions of dollars of revenue and create tons of jobs. What do you think about that? I don't think that's the right reason to do it. I think it needs to be scientifically driven, especially if it's an initiative from the National Science Foundation because it's spectacular, doesn't necessarily mean it's helpful. I mean Jurassic Park, it turned out really badly. Yeah. Do you think we're destined to repeat the mistakes of the past? If we're not careful, yeah. I don't think cloning in general is a good idea. Park would generate billions of dollars in revenue, but Republicans are criticizing the effort because Obama is potentially going to put this park in Hawaii, a state that he is from. What do you think about that? It's way too fragile for something so catastrophic to be at. The biodiversity there is so great, and it's only in that one concentrated place. I don't think it's worth it.
Here in New York City today to prove that people will believe anything you say if you look like a newsman and are holding a microphone.
What's the joke with the Smirnoff ices? They're delicious. Sometimes me and my bros, my homies, pound a few cold ones. Have you ever been iced? Fun and delicious.
Boom. |
dropout | a_real_grad_school_ad | Having trouble adjusting to the real world? Missing the warm womb of college life? Well, climb back into that academic vagina with the Quentleton State School of Graduate Studies.
When I couldn't get a job, went broke and had to move back in with my parents, I started to doubt that I was better than you. Now I have a room full of people who agree that I am. Growing up, I based my self-worth and my ability to get good grades. Without a report card, I'd have a nervous fucking breakdown.
My banker said I'd have loans till I was 47. 47, I said? Let's aim for debt.
I get to live in the same building I did as a freshman. Change scares me shitless. Who cares if our law school's ranked 173rd in the country? My parents have been this proud of me since middle school. I don't even wanna be a lawyer. I'm in a bluegrass band. I get to spend the next 10 years of my life analyzing three lines of a poem that's over 500 years old.
In the real world, that would be considered a mental disorder. Slob. Try absent-minded intellectual. Campus living makes me feel young, just like these girls. How you doin'? Gross.
They don't even get that reference. My dad used to say we'd all end up working for C students one day. Joke's on you, dad. I'm never gonna get a job. Neither are we.
The Quendlton State School of Graduate Studies. It's not unemployment if you pay tuition. Because if we would get it like we wouldn't need more school. |
dropout | stranded_on_the_north_pole | It's July of 1897 and it's Foxtrot, no, we can't go on another educational adventure right now. River needs our help. Look, I know it's risky, but if we try hard, we can get her back safely. Yeah! We just need to believe in ourselves or something and I think you're just trying to protect yourself.
Hi there. I'm going to fly a hot air balloon from Svalbard over the North Pole to Canada. Or maybe Russia. Both work. He's not sure? Well, you can't steer balloons. I can. My balloon will drag dozens of long ropes along the ground, slowing it enough that we can use sails to change course.
All aboard! Come on, gang. Hop on the balloon. Hands and feet inside the basket. Just kidding. You can put your feet out. Up, up, and away!
That's fine. It is fine now. It wasn't.
Andre immediately lost his only method of steering, and he unloaded so much weight that the balloon shot up to an altitude of 700 meters. At that height, hydrogen escaped even more quickly, and ice crossed it onto his balloon.
I'm getting sick. Get used to it. With no equilibrium, Andre rose and fell for two days straight. Everything's going great. We're all gonna die! Okay, compromise. Let's say we've had some ups and downs. Boo!
Andre was forced to hike back to civilization. First, he went southeast. Eastward ho! But he was on an ice flow drifting the opposite direction. He actually traveled backward. He then converted his balloon into a raft and set sail to the southwest instead. Westward ho! But the wind changed directions almost immediately. By September 12th, two months after his initial departure, Andre decided to camp through the winter on an ice flow and let the drift carry him wherever it would. Wherever! Ho! Less than a month later, the ice broke apart under his encampment, forcing him to relocate to solid ground.
Even still, Andre remained relentlessly, upbeat. Here's what he wrote about himself and his two companions. Morale remains good. With such comrades, one should be able to manage under, I may say, any circumstances.
See? He and his friends looked out for each other. They were dead within days! Ah, that sucks. Dammit! Come on! See?
If you try hard, believe in yourself, and stay positive, you can still fail and die. But he was also hasty, stupid, and unprepared. We can't knowingly abandon River.
Right! Yes, we can! I'll show you!
If you liked that episode of WTF 101, I have good news. There's way more of it on Dropout. Dropout is the new premium, ad-free, and uncensored comedy platform from College Humor. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
And don't worry about me, I'm fine. Nah, this is all gonna turn out fine. I feel safe.
Ho ho! How's everyone enjoying the wondrous land of Caledonia? |
SaturdayNightLive | garth_brooks_backstage_with_tracy_saturday_night_live | Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what's up? Great show so far, y'all. thanks, man, I'm sorry the pimp chat got cut.
Oh, don't sweat it, man, I'll do it next week, man. I'm just gonna say goodnight tonight.
Oh, cool. hey, man, I remember that concert you did in Central Park, man, it was on Hbo, man. I was clicking through the channels and I saw it, it was nice. Oh, thanks, dude, it was fun. Dom, a clean village, y'all, it was cool. hey, why you didn't have the Oj's on? I mean, Eight Legends. yeah, hey, maybe next time. Thanks, Tracy. hey, yo, don't shine me on.
I'm talking about the Oj's, baby. they better than that guy you got this week. talking about Chris Gaines? yeah, that lame-ass trick. he don't show up to rehearsals all week, then he's strutting around here in that crazy-ass suit, Man, who do you think he is? Wait, dude, have you heard him sing? I don't need to hear him sing and know I don't like it. I just think he's bizarre. I mean, you a real dude, you be fixing your transmissions and everything, man. that dude is fruit of cake, man, sweet like bare meat. there ain't nothing sweet about me and you, Garth. I mean, we sugar-free. Man, I don't think the guys like that. Nah, I heard the crew making fun of him and they say that Chris Gaines is batting both ways. am I right?
Tracy, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, hold on. I'm telling you, Gene, Chris Gaines is a weedy-beedy, bing-bong freak. I need you for one second. hold up, hold up. Do you think Chris Gaines is smoking meat cigars? Tracy, it'll take one minute, just one minute. can't you see I'm talking to the host? go get me a soda, bitch. Okay.
I'm telling you, if I was your role manager, man, I'd drop Chris Gaines like a hot plate, man. this is Snl the 25th year. I mean, you should've been with Barry White. you should've had him, kid. you get into a fight, Barry White gonna back you up. Chris Gaines, the first time he see a knife, he gonna skate on you. he's not gonna skate on me, man. a man, he soft, man, a dude is chicken and he fat too. what? fat? he's fat. you can see the gut through that outfit, man. if you were that big, they'd be calling you Girth Brooks. you know what I'm saying? you got this soup can with you tonight, man. you should've booked Willie Nelson. hold up, hold up. you like Willie Nelson? he smoke weed, right? that's what I'm talking about, man. Chris Gaines ain't live, man. his insides are pink.
Here's your soda. Thanks. Garth, you didn't need your own stuff. Thank you, Lauren. thank you, God.
Chris, yeah, I hate to tell you this, man. I know, I know. Garth is Chris Gaines. you really think I'm stupid, don't you? I mean, did you hear the album? no. that's what I'm saying. it's crazy, man. I just can't believe he did that album. he's a strange time, so I'm sorry. Lauren, you don't have to do that. |
dropout | high_school_friend | Hey, what's up, dude? You here? Nice. Alright, I'm coming right down. That's it. What the hell are you doing, man?
I'm just gonna pick up my friend from high school and give him a tour. Yeah, you don't see me hanging out with like friends from high school giving tours for fun, right? No, you don't have any friends. Don't need friends. I have you. You bring your friend up here.
I'm gonna beat the shit out of him. That's a guarantee, alright? Just try to be polite, please. We're not gonna be here long, alright? Yeah, I'll be polite. I'll be polite when I kick his ass out of here!
He's done, dude! Chill out! You're welcome, Jake.
Hey, I'm here. What's up, man? This is my friend Josh. Yeah, what's up, bro?
Yeah, for sure. This guy's flocking. This guy's definitely fine.
What are you guys doing tonight? Holler at Shorty's? I know, fat party. What's up with your friend, Jake?
I like everything. I don't know where to start. I like this guy, you know? I really do. You like this guy.
Yeah, because a minute ago you said you were gonna kick his ass. What? Yeah, you know what? You guaranteed it, actually. What? Guaranteed you were gonna beat the shit out of him. Yeah, I think I was talking about you. You're the friend. Jake! Good luck getting into a fat party without me, you guys. |
dropout | the_roast_of_hbo | HBO. Wow, you have aired some controversial footage over the years. You even put an abortion on television once. But enough about entourage. And True Blood? Come on! You seriously passed on Mad Men so you could air Twilight for nymphos? In all seriousness, HBO, it's an honor to pick through your trash. Especially if you keep throwing away Emmys. HBO, you know we like you, right?
You don't need to keep showing us your boobs to get our attention. We have stars for that. Thanks guys.
MTV, don't be scared. The sound you hear coming from that group of people, it's called music. Jesus, MTV, you used to be cool. Now, you're two red bulls in a date rape case away from being Spike TV. Seriously, MTV, pull it together before VH1 offers you a reality show.
Alright, give up one more time for USA. They now have almost as many boring shows about well-dressed white people as CNBC. Look at all you unfunny assholes.
No wonder TV is history. Oh, sorry History Channel. Uh, history is a word that means the past, not rednecks putting themselves in danger or lies about aliens.
Speaking of lies and rednecks, Fox News everybody. Hey, I'll tell you what, at least Fox still covers news. CNN, look at you.
You pay so much attention to the Kardashians, I thought you'd join the NBA. HBO, this is a formal petition for you to produce a new season of the Space Western Firefly. Simply purchase the rights from Fox.
Hey kid, your jokes suck. This is not a joke, okay. As you can see, I have over 300 signatures, so ahh. Now, CSPO, I told you, you put one freaking dragon on your network, right?
Showtime, Showtime's here. Now, look, I'm not saying Weeds has jumped the shark, but that last season is getting its own week on the Discovery Channel. Learn how to cancel the show. Hey, don't swim, sir, don't swim. Hey guys, if I wanted to watch a stoner laugh at his own jokes all night, I wouldn't have disowned my shithead son. G4, Fuse, GSN.
I don't know who the fuck you guys are. Seriously, what are you?
Something about the internet, right? Now, please give a warm welcome to three geezers who remember when TVs had tubes and Leno was funny, the networks. Alright, CBS, have you ever seen so many stations? There's more letters in here than Freeman's alphabet soup. Ah, stuff it. That bit was good enough for Truman, that's good enough for you. I told you this was a mistake. These kids ain't never seen a rating bigger than my Nutsack's liver spots. Oh, all you cable networks think you're so cool and edgy. You'll be yesterday's broadcast soon enough. Ain't that right?
Radio. That's Justin. I don't know where I am right now. |
TheOnion | Jennifer_Aniston_Adopts_33_Year_Old_Boyfriend_From_Africa | Stay tuned, a little later in the hour, we're going to talk about what to do if your child is too sweaty.
But first, another celebrity has traveled to Africa to bring back an exciting addition to her family. Today, Jennifer Aniston arrived in Ethiopia to sign the final papers to adopt a 33-year-old man named Negasi. An adoption agency right here in the U.S. helped Jen secure Negasi from the East African orphanage where he was a part-time groundskeeper.
Yes, and for more, let's check in with our own Onion News Network Entertainment reporter Alex Blair. Hey there, guys.
It sounds like great news for Jen. Oh, it is, Tracy. Jen's friends and family are just so excited that she'll finally have someone to share her life with.
Right. For the years, she's tried unsuccessfully to get a man the natural way. Oh, and now that she's getting older. Yeah, exactly. When Jen realized she couldn't secure a man in America, she started looking into alternative methods of finding a man, and that brought her to an adoption agency. Ooh, I bet he took to her right away. Not exactly, Tracy. Oh? At first, he was a little shy. Sure. But Jen wasn't worried, you guys. She apparently took him at her arms and said, you're mine now.
You'll be with me forever. You're not going anywhere.
He's really cute. Yeah. These photos came from the day Jen took Nagasi to a wildlife preserve in Kenya. Oh, they already look like a family. Oh, that's so nice. Isn't it?
Now, I hear that Nagasi recently threw a little tantrum. Uh-oh. Yes, well, friends say Nagasi was upset with Jen because he wanted to go back to his home and his family, so Jen sent him to her room and made him stay there with her for a few days until he calmed down. It's very important to be strict, at least in the beginning. It really is. Now, to be fair, she has been facing some criticism, though, hasn't she, Alex? Well, that's true, Jim. Nagasi will be leaving a wife and two children behind in Ethiopia, but Jen has set up a very generous charitable fund for their village.
Oh, I love her. Well, we wish them all the best of luck, don't we? We sure do. And thank you so much, Alex, for being with us this morning. Sure thing, guys.
Now, of course, this is the second time Jennifer Aniston has tried to acquire a man from overseas following last year's attempt to smuggle in that 29-year-old rice farmer from Cambodia who tragically died in his shipping container on the voyage over. Oh, that Jen, she's just had the worst luck. She really has. Right after the break, we're going to check in with our own chef, Adam Scott, who is covering the violence over in Afghanistan. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_michael_longfellow_james_austin_johnson_and_devon_walker_snl | It's Weekend Up Day with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Up Day. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. earlier today, an American fighter jet shot down a suspected Chinese surveillance balloon that had been spotting crossing the United States, officially ending history's most complicated gender reveal party. And bad news for China, it's a girl. Chinese officials condemned the U.s. decision to destroy the surveillance balloon, saying it was a civilian aircraft.
Okay, but even civilian aircrafts can be extremely dangerous. the revised Ap African-american History class removed the names of several Black authors that Florida officials called problematic. instead, they've been replaced with authors they call one of the good ones. Representative George Santos said that he is stepping aside from his committee assignments to prevent being a distraction. he added, the last thing I want is attention. Then he sashayed away in a feather boa. It was also reported that George Santos lied to potential campaign donors that he was a producer of the Broadway musical Spider-man Turn Off the Dark, though he did end up working with the Green Goblin.
Speaker of the House, Kevin Mccarthy, seen here wanting to know if you or someone you love has been injured in a car accident. met in person with President Biden about the debt ceiling and said they had a good conversation. it went so well, Biden let him pick a couple classified documents out of the bowl. The Fbi searched President Biden's Delaware Beach House but found no classified documents. Also, the next time somebody tells you that Biden got billions from China, remember that his beach House is in Delaware. it was announced that Donald Trump's golf courses will host three live golf tournaments this year, furthering Trump's ties to Saudi Arabia. their relationship makes sense. Saudi Arabia needs venues for their golf tournaments, and Trump needs oil for that big old dump truck. the Senate voted to designate January National Stalking Awareness Month, which is a good reminder that we're only a few weeks away from stalker Christmas.
Florida, too close to home? Wow. Florida has proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. Also, everyone gets to do one murder. newly released video of a deposition to New York's Attorney General's office shows former President Trump taking a fifth hundreds of times. also taking a fifth, his lawyer. For the first time ever, two brothers will be facing off against each other in the Super Bowl. incidentally, two brothers in the Super Bowl is why my grandfather won't be watching. On February, man, wow.
This Thursday was Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, which means six more weeks of winter. Here to talk about it is Punxsutawney Phil. hey, Che. hey, man, so six more weeks of winter.
I mean, do you have any advice? I don't know, man. things are bleak out there. Ride it out, I guess. you seem pretty down. I thought this was a big day for you. Dude, what's the point of me? a weather-predicting groundhog in the year 2023, I'm useless. I'm like a condom in Nick Cannon's wallet. But you did see your shadow. honestly, I'm seeing shadows everywhere. climate change has made it all meaningless. is winter still even a thing? Sure, it's seven degrees now, but I jogged in shorts on Tuesday. you jog? it's called a resolution, and I wasn't about to do dry January, you know what I mean? alcohol! The only cool way to wet the bed.
Oh. you know the core stopped? What? the earth's core stopped spinning. look. see? just straight up stopped.
And they want me to go to work? I'm a Groundhog. I live close to the core, Che. well, not that close, but close enough that when it stops spinning, I was like, whoa. you guys feel that? cool if I do a bump real quick? no! at the after-party. very nice, Ken. you know the moon's the sun now? What? Look. because of wildfires, this is what the sun looks like in California for like weeks at a time. it's like you're on a Star Wars planet, Not even a good one, like one of those dusty, poor ones. Hey, you know, for me, this is space. I don't know what that means. Well, groundhogs live underground, so to me, this is space. Houston requesting oxygen break. you're on a Pr thing? What in Pr thing? time is an illusion. Yup. science guys are saying this. it's not just an excuse I use whenever my old lady says I missed our anniversary. we step out.
Guys like us, don't we? Whoa, we mean guys like us.
Oh, come on. I'm punxsutawney Phil. she knows what she signed up for. you're like a bad groundhog. I'm not a bad groundhog. I just like good beaver. Oh, man. whoa, man. But seriously, I'm trying to keep my mind right by getting back to the basics, touching the grass, eating the grass, smoking the grass. you know, those top hat people touch me. that's probably why I drink. What? you heard me. Look, at the end of the day, I just want to live a long, peaceful life and then die of natural causes. that's actually very sweet. Well, for a groundhog, natural causes means getting obliterated by an 18-wheeler on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
Oh, my God, man. they say you can't even feel it. I'll let you know. partful Tommy, Phil, everybody. a little assimilation. man. a genetic engineering company has announced plans to bring back the long-extinct dodo bird, but only for a limited time at Arby's. Amc Theaters is celebrating Black History Month by offering $5 tickets to recently released black-led movies like Wakanda Forever and The Woman King. they're also honoring black people by starting the movie 20 minutes late. did you get that, Colin? I don't know. I don't even know what you're talking about.
Police officials in Colorado say that a bear discovered a wildlife camera in the woods and posed for more than 400 selfies. 400 selfies of a bear is also known as a grinder profile. the U.s.
Surgeon General is warning that children are joining social media at too young an age, and they should wait until they're at least 16 when they're hotter. a new study finds that despite women making less money than men, more single women in the U.s. own homes than single men, thanks to a phenomenon economist called divorce. What is divorce? A school official in Illinois has been arrested on charges of stealing over $1 million worth of chicken wings. said the official, I swear, I was going to give all the money back.
No, don't. the United Kingdom will be crowning its new king and Queen soon, launching a new era of the British monarchy. here to comment are British rappers Millie Pounds and Shirty. So, guys, what's going on with the Royal family? I mean, can you give us an update? right, right, okay, listen, mate, okay. all the focus is on the Royals, right, when it should be on England's exploitative tabloid press, right? it's pants, Mate. pants.
Rubbish, Mate. pants. Sorry, pants, mate. it's pants, Okay? pants. What are pants? it's pants. they mean to our boy, Ariel, right?
We know what really goes down. We've known Harry since our days at eating. you guys went to eating? Yeah. eating your mom's bum. No, but seriously, look, look. if you want us to sum up our thoughts, take out the pods and hear me, All right? because we have a way of talking back in the ends. Aye, shirty. Millie pounds? yeah. Prince Airy, Prince Airy, stayed over at Parlour Paris, pressed cold like Bren and Jerry's. I'm allergic to dairy. Harriet Megan. Ronald Reagan. interracial Dayton. Queen's a Lot today, Satan. they see us coming, right. I slide down the block like, your girl saw me and I, man's like me got a million suitors because I stay hot like John Wooers. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, no. Stop. who is John Wooder? Che, why'd you stop it, mate? Bro, we shared so many facts. facts? you really didn't. Okay, listen, it's not all chicken shops and Tikka Masala. Glasgow. right. But I think this next verse will really shine a light on what's happening where we come from. right? Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister, you know that. he got styles like airy. I'm allergic to dairy. your boyfriend's poor. I make more. I chat online with your girl like computers because I stay hot like John Wooers.
Okay, wait, wait. what? what is. what is that? Look, I grew up in New York in the 90s, okay, so I can say to myself, a pretty frickety fresh guy when it comes to hip-hop. but I've never heard that before. Okay, you see, back home, we don't really have guns, do we? But we do have little tiny knives that we carry with us at all times. and those kind of sound like. okay, but who is John Wooers? Oh, he's like a semi-obscured Dutch footballer from the 80s.
All right, I get it. you guys like soccer, so can you at least tell us what the Brits feel about Fifa? How do the Brits feel about Fifa?
Yeah. I'll just check it. Fifa, corrupt. your girl told me what's up. I told her I'm trying to see that, but I'm allergic to dairy. do you know coffee? Milly and me on the book with scooters because you stay hot like John Wooers. Billy Taft and Shirty, everybody. call us tonight. we'll be right back. |
dropout | the_social_music_experiment_experiment_1_can_music_get_you_laid | Music. It can do anything. Get you high. Get you naked. Get you laid.
I'm Reggie Watts. Here's my buddy, Asif.
We're two badass sociomusicologists. Welcome to the Social Music Experiment. As chief sociomusicologist, I wanted to find out if music can bring people together.
And what's more together than having sex. I've been matchmaking for 28 years. We made over 670 marriages, and we only had five as we know. Two divorces.
Three.
How many dates should one go on before sleeping with each other? I don't believe in sleeping with each other until you're in a committed relationship.
This was not the answer we were hoping for. So we went to get a second opinion. This one might be a little intimidating, but this one's a dilator. That's a different sensation that a lot of women have not experienced.
It's very alive. Could this help in the bedroom stimulate things? This, I can imagine, sound comes out of this, right? That's correct. So we've got sound vibration. So it could be kind of like a vibrator. And you could actually, you know, while it's playing, use it against the clit. Does music increase the chance of us having a threesome? Of course it does. Yeah, let me write that down.
If music could get you a threesome, there's one guy who's probably had more threesomes than anyone else, a guy in a band. What kind of girls would you say are the girls that would really go for some hardcore brass? Definitely some of the band girls, probably some of the woodwind band girls. Oh, the woodwinds.
Yeah. Okay. I mean, it is kind of hard. Okay.
Now that we learned all this stuff about music and sex, I decided that we were ready to help Asif step up his game of sex. Can music get you laid? Well, we'll see. I'll be inside of a kitchen. I'll have a phone that will be paired to a boom. That's about 50 feet away. This is Asif. He's going to go on several dates with many, many women, speed dating. If I send the right message, maybe she might consider laying him. People love getting lain. Are you hearing that, Asif? So this will be more like experimental.
Okay, got it. You're going to really love this one. Oh, hi. My name's Asif. Hi, I'm Tara. Tara. Oh, cool. Hey, Mr. Blue. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, Miss T. Sexy. Oh, thank you. Likewise.
And what part of India are you from? The poor part. Poon. It's called Poon. Where are you from?
Just say kind of lingus. Kind of lingus.
Yes, score. Do you think music can get you laid? Yes, it can.
How long do you wait before you have sex at all? Well, it's a long time. I mean, are you kidding me?
It's the keys to this castle. It takes a long time. There's keys to the castle? I thought they were just a drawbridge.
I think I'll just go with it. It depends. Mine is as long as she says yes.
What's your favorite body part? An ass. On you? I like your glasses. That's not a body part. No, I like your bow tie. That's not a body part. I like your hair. Oh, thank you. My actual body got third place.
I'd like to see us naked together. And like one of those rooms with the roof has mirrors. With lotions.
Tell her that you have a song to play her. That you'd like to play her song. Okay, Pamela, I'm going to play a song for you. Here we go.
I want Pamela out of nine.
You should have some sex with us if because he's really good at sex in Los Angeles. Blow jump.
That's the end. Awesome. What do you do for a living? Hey, Asif, I'm going to try some different tunes. Okay, I love that. I just love lubrication. Oh, she's going to love this one.
What? Is this like your favorite song or something? Do you like to dance?
Okay, okay. That's my, that's my job. Oh, snap. We're going to dance over here. And you're supposed to dip me. Oh, yeah. Dip me. Do you feel like you would want to torque it? Let's put him away now.
Would you go out with me again? Possibly. So, is it maybe? Maybe. Would you ever go out with me again? No. Okay. Are you asking? Yeah, would you want to do that? No. Would you like to go out again a bunch? I've got to pass. Do you want to go out again? With you? What do you want me to wear? Yes. Score. So, in conclusion, can music get you laid? Would you be interested in helping us party? Yes.
Really? I mean... Oh, you weren't expecting that. Thank you. |
ClickHole | ph_d_reveals_conservative_book_of_bible_where_christ_becomes_a_millionaire_selling_mousetraps | Everyone thinks Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F. Kennedy, but is that really what happened? Consider this.
Look at this woman in the pink dress. Who is she? As you can see, she was directly next to the president when he died, and you can see in this photograph that she's desperately trying to flee the scene of the crime. Who is the lady in the pink dress, and what did she do to JFK?
Coming up after the break, we're talking about a newly discovered book of the Bible where Christ becomes a millionaire by selling mousetraps. So stick around. Christ was a conservative and a free-market business tycoon. We've known this for centuries, and there's finally a newly discovered book of the Bible to prove it. We have Professor Larry Huffman from Oxford University here on the show, and he's going to tell us all about this new conservative book of the Bible where Christ becomes a millionaire by selling mousetraps. Larry, what can you tell us about this hidden book of the Bible? Doug, simply put, it tells the story of Jesus Christ starting a mousetrap factory and forcing his apostles to work on his assembly line so that he can become very wealthy. Wow, now that's just amazing. The left despises the idea of becoming a millionaire, but now there's a new book of the Bible where Christ owns his own factory and has huge amounts of money. Yes, this ancient gospel has remained hidden for years until it was finally discovered in the back of the... Read us a passage from the book. Okay. And then Christ spoke to his apostles and said, Lo, I have built a very good kind of mousetrap that everyone has to use now.
Leave a fish on a plank of wood to attract the mice and then hide behind a bush for a long time. When the mice come out to eat the fish, jump out from behind the bush and quickly light the mouse on fire.
That's beautiful. And you were saying earlier that Christ ends up putting the apostles to work in his mousetrap factory? That's right, Doug. This story shows how wonderful it is to put your friends to work. The apostles work grueling 12-hour shifts at Christ's mousetrap factory putting dead fish on planks of wood. And since Christ doesn't pay the apostles, he's able to increase his profits and he very quickly becomes the world's first millionaire from selling his mousetraps. Beautiful. Liberals are going to be losing their minds saying, Oh, Jesus can't be a millionaire who wears big golden rings on his fingers. Oh, those mousetraps don't even sound like they work. Oh, I love communism. Too much to congratulate Jesus on the luxurious horse skeleton that he has bought with his mousetrap cash.
Shut up! That's right, Doug, but the evidence is right here in the Bible. It's a beautiful story, Larry. Thanks for coming on the show.
The fish don't just attract mice. They attract all sorts of other animals like bears and lions and they attack and kill people, but Christ doesn't care.
Great, that's all the time we have for right now. Everyone out there, keep fighting, keep questioning, and stay vigilant. |
dropout | honest_camping_trip | And that's how I would have set up the tents, but... Hey! We're three hours late because none of our cell phones have service. Oh, that's alright. I was just explaining how camping works. I would know I was a Boy Scout in fourth grade. West. Great! I brought a rope and what I assume is an AMF and flashlight radio. I've never been camping before and I'm truly just guessing. Hey, that's alright.
I brought too much stuff. It's all brand new.
I hope no one notices. Well, I'm gonna go urinate in as private a spot I can find and hope I don't pee all over myself. There are no private spots.
Zach, let me walk you through which plants are edible. Oh, no thanks. I don't want to eat dirty leaves. That's okay.
I'm going to anyway. This is mostly for me. I'm a pyromaniac. I'm gonna get the fire going and then obsess over it all night.
Fuck. I think I'm allergic to everything here. I might die on this trip. Oh, Katie smells like urine. Let's all try to ignore that. I accidentally peed on my shoes. I tried to wipe it off with leaves, but clearly that didn't work. Oh, you think you have problems. I'm on day two of my period and I kind of haven't figured out how to deal with that shit out here.
I hope there's no bears. Ooh, we should cook dinner before it gets too dark out, you know, at five o'clock. Good idea, Cynthia. We've got hot dogs without buns, an unopenable can of refried beans, and stuff to make s'mores. I've got beer, wine, whiskey, and vodka. And drugs. I think the food's ready.
No one complained that it's ruined. Oh, awful. I'm only eating this to be polite. I didn't bring any water. I'll just drink beer and have a massive hangover tomorrow.
Oh, right. I forgot my tent is broken. I'll have to fix that when I get home. Or you could just forget about it until the next time you go camping three years from now. That's a good plan. Well, there's no way to clean these sticks, so hopefully nothing took a shit on them. Cool.
Oh no, other campers. What if they're murderers? They're probably just assholes looking to party in the forest.
Oh, here's a fun idea. Let's play that game that we all know from camp. You mean the one we all learned slightly differently, so we'll argue the whole time over the right way to play it? Exactly, and if nobody else wants to play, I'm going to sulk the entire rest of the trip. That sounds awful.
I'm already drunk. Me too. Mother fuck. I'm the most sober one here, so I'm going to have to be responsible.
And the nearest hospital is three hours away. Man, it is way too early for us to be up. The birds are surprisingly loud. I didn't sleep at all.
Let's all get the fuck out of here. Yeah.
Please help. |
dropout | 21st_birthday_fact_or_fiction | What's up guys? Best night ever, huh? Happy birthday to me! You guys do hungover to high-five? All right, are you serious right now? Are you serious right now? Do you know what you do? Hey, hey, hey, look, I got it. Okay. You got a lot of nerve coming in here asking for a high-five after last night. What are you guys talking about?
I was alive at that party, man. Remember that great toast? There's not a single memory that I've shared with you guys that I don't cherish. Sent me the time that uh, Jimmy you and I got in that fender bender at the Coldplay concert. Aside from that, it's been great. To the next 21. First of all, you started drinking before the toast. But you get a nice ass.
I couldn't even understand what you were saying, but it felt offensive. And borderline racist.
What's a packle? Hip calling people packle. You dirty packle.
Okay, well then why did everyone let me crowd surf on him? Yeah, because you didn't give him a choice. That's not crowd surfing. Not crowd surfing.
But I bet I won them back when I defended that girl from that creep. This party's totally lame, right?
We should get out of here. Hey, man. She's not interested. So, uh, why don't you take a walk? You take a walk. Sorry for the mess.
I'm Todd. Jessie. That creep was her fiancee.
And he was also a really nice guy. Yeah, he was like a really nice guy. Really nice.
He coaches basketball in the inner city, and he's not from the inner city.
That's courage. I'll take her.
I didn't get a chance to meet him. You didn't just hit him either. Okay, but I did I did meet that awesome guy.
I'm talking to a lot of people this party, so. You showed me how to make those uh, those mix strings. That girl I was dancing with, she flashed me. We went to that rave. What I'm dancing? Did you see me do the worm? I kicked ass at beer pong. I was killing it on flip cup.
But but but there's that cop who's about to shut down the party. And I stood up to him. Officer, I'm sorry about the noise. But where you see rambunctious partying, I see bonding, camaraderie among friends.
That's a crime. Lock me up. But personally, I'd rather let bygones be bygones. Hand you a beer. Thanks. That's true.
You did start to. And then you threw up everywhere. I didn't do that.
What's that? I thought it was pee. Why would that be better?
No guys. We're 21! We're throwing up on cops! We're peeing on shirts! It's all fun guys, right? Come on! Best night ever!
You're a sociopath. Jeff Chang, this is your 21st birthday.
This is the sacred rite of passage. Here we go. The writers of The Hangover. Obi-21 forever! Invite you to get down. What are you doing, sir? I think he's getting down. Party hot. Who loves some party chicks? And saddle up. How many shots did you give him in there?
Who cares? For the movie that's too outrageous for theaters.
Oh my god! I feel really alert right now. I feel like Spider-Man.
Carson, go here. Carson, go here, Jeff Chang. 21 and over. You may deal. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Saving_Private_Ryan | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's Cinema Classics segment, I'll be looking at Steven Spielberg's 1998 epic Saving Private Ryan, a gripping depiction of a World War II squadron tasked with bringing home the titular soldier James Francis Ryan after D-Day. It's best known for its iconic opening scene, which forever redefined the scope and ambitions of the war film genre. Let's take a look at that scene now. Powerful, unflinching, and brutal in its realism, this iconic scene instantly became the high-water mark for portraying war on film, thanks to its unprecedented insistence on showing the authentic experience of the World War II veteran.
Drawing viewers in with an emotional tracking shot and tightly choreographed action, the scene creates a level of immersion that many viewers continue to find overwhelming. You feel as if you're right there on the ground alongside Ryan as he advances up the path, experiencing the moment through his eyes in all of its profound and engrossing intensity. In his efforts to achieve as high a degree of verisimilitude as possible, Spielberg didn't storyboard this scene, preferring instead to let his cast live and react in the moment. It allowed for magical, unplanned strokes of brilliance, like the unforgettable instance when both Ryan and his wife's hair blow up at precisely the same moment. Notice this time the immaculate attention to historical detail, the period blue windbreaker and gray chinos, the European elm trees, trimmed grass, and meticulously reconstructed stone wall. It took two weeks to shoot, cost over 12 million dollars, and encompassed 500 hours of film shot on four cameras. And yet, despite its staggering production value, the scene owes a great deal of its raw, emotional honesty to the performances delivered by seasoned character actor Harrison Young and his tenacious supporting cast, who went through several grueling months of training in order to fully inhabit their characters and faithfully represent the moment. The shot of Ryan looking down, looking straight ahead, slowing down, and then touching the tree required a whopping 11 days to properly execute. Touching the tree was especially difficult for the actor to master, but with Spielberg's direction, it eventually came off without a hitch in one single perfect take. Indeed, in the years since Saving Private Ryan's release, the influence of this seminal scene can be spotted in film after film, all echoing the groundbreaking cinematography at play in this visionary and enduring masterwork, and for good reason. Rewatching this classic, you can't help but be amazed by how effectively you're transported to the heart-rending drama of that day.
For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | furry_superheroes_are_the_grossest_furry_force_part_3 | Uh, boss? The dragon won't stop rubbing.
Ugh, hopefully they'll just wipe each other out. And after that, we'll turn the Force into parking lots, right? Nope, probably just get a regular job. I'm not even a bad guy anymore. I just want the Furry Force to be dead.
Viva Center, I have traveled from the future. In your time, we are enemies. But now, we must join forces. Oh my god, this is the first time I'm actually seeing your junk. A great evil threatens us all. It's too big. Oh, the tip is so red. There's no time to explain. I must share my memories with you.
Nope. Hip-hop. Crunk. Attack.
Allow me inside you. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh god, I'm in your mind. This is my hell. Let me share my story.
Your Scaly Squad has success. They proved to be the Furry Force's equals. The battle lasted weeks. Oh, I can taste it. The pheromones released by the fight entered the atmosphere and blanketed their earth in a thick, musty gas.
Ew. Ew, ew, ew.
Our combined must proved too intense for humanity. The effect was extreme. Everyone on Earth was transformed.
Oh, that dog is so stacked. Please tell me I died first. Oh shit, there I am. Wow. No.
Nineteen percent of the population was wiped out by a milky tidal wave. Oh god, that's totally jizz, isn't it? I tried to save you, but I was too late. I drown in a sea of wolf cum.
You see, Vivacector, this is why we must teach the Scaly Squad compassion, so that we don't- Fuck that. Just to be safe, I'm gonna burn this place down. With all of us in it. I welcome death. |
cracked | how_mcdonald_s_got_tim_burton_fired_from_batman_junk_history_batman_returns_happy_meals_toys | Hello, and welcome to another episode of Junk History, the show where I play with a bunch of toys and you all watch me do it. Today's toys are a pair of Batman Returns action cars featured in McDonald's Happy Meals to promote the movie Batman Returns, released in the summer of 1992. It kind of looks like wacky racers, like characters from a terrible Batman themed Mario Kart game. Now driving is not a continued motif in this film, so it's unclear why they decided on this particular avenue for their value meal prizes. I mean, the penguin does have a car, but it doesn't look anything like this.
It's a big yellow duck. That would have been a fun toy. A big duck?
I think all the stuff you can do with that. There's also the Batmobile, with rad, detached mobile action to recreate that exciting scene in the movie where the Batmobile explodes into a torpedo for the most situationally dependent feature ever installed in a major vehicle. Oh, shoo. Nobody move. Also, you may have noticed that this particular plastic edition of the penguin bears little resemblance to its appearance in the film. And this is by design.
You see, Batman Returns was the sequel to one of the biggest merchandising juggernauts of all time, Tim Burton's Batman. After all was said and done, Burton's 1989 Batman film sold half a billion dollars in merchandise, nearly $750 million by the end of 1992, at a time when superhero movies were far from the industry standard they've come to be. Before Batman, you got maybe three superhero films a decade and they all starred Superman and occasionally Dolph Lundgren. The point is, Batman was an unexpected goldmine of licensed bulls**t, including shirts, hats, posters, video games, breakfast cereal, and toys. Most notably a Batcave playset, a figure of Michael Keaton's Batman with a grappling hook that shot straight out of his dick, and Bob the Goon with kicking action.
How hard of a ransom must I pay to get Bob the Goon? Hmm. He is staggeringly affordable. Why didn't I get Bob the Goon?
Anyway, Warner Brothers knew what a money printing t-shirt seller they had on their hands, so they decided to play it cool the second time around, which is a phrase here meaning they waited a little bit longer to assault the citizens of the world with purchasable Batman commercials. According to a New York Times article published 10 days before the film's release in June of 1992, Warner Brothers didn't get the Batman Returns hype train rolling until mid-February of that year, which is downright spartan in terms of the Hollywood promotional machine. The article quotes the president of Warner Brothers as saying, they didn't want people to get tired of Batman before the movie even came out, which is a sentiment Warner Brothers has long since abandoned to drown in a dirty sewer, much like The Penguin at the beginning of this film. Now, it's funny to think of the blood encrusted wheels of a Hollywood hype machine rotating with anything approaching restraint, and that's because restraint means something entirely different when you're talking about a blockbuster film with a higher merchandising budget than most humans will earn over the course of several lifetimes. So here are some numbers for comparison. The first Batman film had 19 different t-shirt licenses, whereas Batman Returns had only two. Meanwhile, there were a billion toys for Batman Returns, there were like 12 different versions of Batman, plus Armored Penguins, vehicles, fucking Robin, Catwoman, and another plastic penguin avatar that conspicuously looked nothing like the mutated sex criminal Danny DeVito portrayed in the film. So basically, there wasn't less merchandise for Batman Returns, it was simply more focused. Warner and its promotional affiliates, which this time around included Diet Coke, McDonald's, and Choice Hotels, spent upwards of $100 million to integrate the Cape Crusader and his new Rogue's gallery of villains into their products, which included a truly excellent Diet Coke commercial in which Batman races across town to capture a can of soda, only to be thrown one at the last minute by Catwoman, despite the fact that it's probably warm at this point.
A Choice Hotel commercial wherein a flying bat briefcase of bat money attacks a family of four on vacation, and a bunch of awesome bullshit at McDonald's, including cups with collector lids, and a handsome collection of plastic cars, meant to reward children for choking down the contents of their Happy Meals without suing their parents for emancipation. Once again, it behooves me to point out that the penguin featured in this child's toy looks like Lionel Barrymore and a Billy Ray Cyrus wig, and not at all like the Hot Topic Stop Boy that appears on screen. And therein lies the thread that will bring this whole bat-shaped castle tumbling down, which I guess would be Wayne Manor. Wayne Manor's not bat-shaped, is it? That would be too much. You're tipping your hand, Bruce. Anyway, the reason that no child's toy based on the continuing cinematic adventures of Tim Burton's Batman bore the actual visage of Danny DeVito's penguin is because those toy producers correctly reasoned that maybe Danny DeVito's penguin wasn't for kids.
He's a corpse-skinned demon who constantly talks about f***ing, and whose master plan is to kidnap all the first-born children of Gotham City, drive them into the sewer in a childcatcher caboose, and drown them. He is the exact character prophesied by every after-school special about not talking to strangers. Plus, he's hideous.
Nobody wants to be the company that makes that toy. That's...that's a bad toy.
Once Batman Returns was released, it didn't take long for every parent in the country to figure that out, too. After months of being assaulted by Batman Returns merchandise aimed squarely at their children, restraint, moviegoers were more than a little surprised to see Batman face off against a juggalo pastry chef who bites a man's nose off and graphically demands to have sex with every woman he sees. Just the pussy I've been looking for. So the film opens with two stuffy-ass richders having a deformed baby in what appears to be a 19th-century home birth, locking that child in a series of black cages, cruelly designed to look like bassinets, and then throwing that child into the river. Danny Elfman's triumphant Batman theme begins playing while we watch a screaming, imprisoned infant float through a sewer. This is the first two minutes of the movie Kenner and McDonald spent the last few months making sure every kid in America couldn't wait to see. Because nothing puts butts in seats like socially pressured infanticide.
Now keep in mind, this was the summer of 1992, so Facebook and Twitter didn't exist as platforms on which these unpleasantly surprised parents could vent their frustrations. They took to letter-writing campaigns, directed at both Warner Brothers and McDonald's, accusing them of selling a violent horror movie to children. McDonald's initially tried to distance themselves from the controversy, insisting that they were merely using their lucrative Happy Meal platform to promote the idea of Batman to children, rather than urging them to see a specific film. But everyone immediately realized this was bullsh**. Warner Brothers themselves also tried to dodge the bullet of parental anger, insisting that they hadn't provided McDonald's with any images from the film to use in making their toys. They said that with a straight face. So in response to the understandable backlash, both Warner Brothers and McDonald's, who had sought each other out as lucrative partners for a multi-million dollar Batman sequel, immediately tried to sell each other out. The end result was a whole lot of parents not buying their kids Happy Meals or Batman tickets, and Warner Brothers not matching McDonald's ad spend with studio money. When the dust settled, Warner Brothers wound up alienating all their merchandising partners from the Batman brand, chief among the McDonald's, who has a lot of money to throw around, and a level of influence over the child moviegoers of America that can only be described as disturbing.
It's like walking into Vito Corleone's study on the day of his daughter's wedding to ask him for a favor and then slapping the godfather full on the face. And pushing the cake into the pool so he doesn't get to have any. He was a, he liked to eat. And wedding cake is the most expensive kind of cake you can eat.
When the time came for Warner Brothers to decide what to do with their Sure Thing Batman franchise that was suddenly in danger, they politely asked Tim Burton to f**k off, in a meeting that he has described countless times in interviews, behind the scenes featurettes, the book Burton on Burton, and really to anyone who will listen. In particular, Burton has called out his version of the penguin, which is the sight gag version of torture porn, as having been a particular point of contention among the film's producers and advertising partners. Basically, in order to lure merchandising licensees, particularly McDonald's, back to the table, Warner Brothers decided to take Batman in a more family friendly all ages direction, which began with showing Burton the door. He went on to make Ed Wood, a movie that is the exact opposite of a big budget Batman sequel in just about every conceivable way. So if you're a fan of that flawless piece of cinema, you can thank these little plastic food treasure cars for ushering it into existence. Warner Brothers brought in Joel Schumacher, who in retrospect was an odd choice of director to steer their Batman movies back into the kid-friendly realm, as his youth-oriented resume at this point consisted of films like The Client, St. Elmo's Fire, and The Lost Boys, none of which has provoked a single toy.
McDonald's refused to pony up a dime until they were shown a script, which was hammered out over a series of revisions until, among other things, it included maximum toy potential, a form of several vehicles and outfit changes for the main characters, and a winking piece of self relation perfectly molded to be used in hamburger commercials. Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir? I'll get drive-thru.
McDonald's was pleased and commissioned a series of tie-in Batman Forever movie glasses that sold out in two days before the movie was even released. Batman Forever went on to gross nearly $200 million in the US and earned McDonald's just so much money.
That's the face of compromise, not this fugitive birthday clown. Okay, that's a show.
Warm up the time stream, I'm gonna go back for Bob. Hey everyone, thank you so much for watching that video. Please click the big C in the middle to subscribe. Hit the bell notification to get notified when we have more videos. There's a couple videos around me. Take a look at those if you want to, and in the comments, let me know if you find the other end of this thing, cuz I really need it back. |
dropout | the_friend_who_loves_christmas_too_much | So how was your Halloween? Pretty low-key. Yeah, same here. I just watched movies. Oh, yeah, no. I mean, I dressed up as pretty low-key. Oh, that was your... Like, from the Avengers, but pretty. You know, I was a little freak boy.
Shut up! Well, guess it's time to pull Paige off the old Paige a Day calendar.
Oh, God. What is it? What? What happened? It's November 1st. What is that? It's coming. Geez.
Merry Christmas, everybody. Come on, Jess. It's too early for Christmas. Oh, come on. Isn't complaining about the Christmas season getting earlier and earlier every year a little hack? Well, I mean, it's not exactly a new take, but also, guess what? It's too early for Christmas.
Then why would they make these 50 days of Christmas advent calendars? You just taped two advent calendars together.
Yes, I did. And I ate them all, too. I got so excited. But don't worry. I have more.
For all of you, you get a calendar. You get a calendar. And everybody gets a calendar.
No! Stop! Don't worry.
There's calendars everywhere. These are fun. You guys sound like a couple of Grinches. We're not Grinches. We all like Christmas.
It's just too early. Fine. Okay. We don't have to do anything. Except get our tree now. Otherwise, all the good ones are going to be gone. Come on. Let's go!
In my F-U-V! Nope. I got to get back to my desk. I'm not following her. I'm following her. That's not water. Oh!
I put eggnog in it. I put eggnog in the water cooler.
It might be a little spiked. Have some fun. Why not? It's Christmas! You guys, you can't spike things at work where it work. Work?
But it's Christmas. It's not Christmas. It's November. It's not even Thanksgiving yet. You sound like a Hans Gruber. Hans Gruber didn't even hate Christmas. He just committed crimes at Christmas. What is the big deal about wanting to celebrate early?
You would really say no to some adorable Christmas cookies? Well, they are cute, and I do love Christmas cookies.
I'll take one. See, now we're talking. Let's do some Christmas carols. Rock and roll.
No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. We can't do this. We don't have the rights, and also, it's not Christmas.
Oh, gosh. I need to do it for Baby It's Cold Outside. I'm going to be the boy, though. Ready? Baby, it's cold outside.
Okay. Stop it. No. No, no, no, no. No, we can't. Okay.
It's Christmas, but if this is what liking Christmas looks like, then maybe I don't like Christmas. I sound like a bunch of Ebony Scrooges right now. Don't you mean Ebony's a Scrooge? No, I mean Ebony's Scrooge. From 2000's, a Diva Christmas Carol with Vanessa Williams.
Oh, my God. Why are you so obsessed with Christmas? You really want to know?
The worst thing that ever happened to me happened at Christmas. It was horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was nine years old.
Wait. Isn't that the monologue from Gremlin? Yes, it is. Yes. Somebody likes Christmas.
But seriously, I was always afraid of our basement. It's dark down there.
There's weird stuff. Okay. That's just time to lie. Ah! You caught me. This is crazy. Guys, come on.
You have to get involved. You got to take a chance. You got to do something.
That's why I'm Scrooge'd. Do I have a milk mustache? |
cracked | actors_you_didnt_know_got_fired_from_movies_cracked_trivia | Okay, so I saw this tweet the other day, and I was like, did that really happen? And yes, it did. I had no idea. Ryan said that he thought the part of the grieving father should be 210 pounds. He decided that on his own. And he has said, in order to do this, he was drinking Haagen-Dazs ice cream whenever he was thirsty. But director Peter Jackson did not agree with this choice and went with Mark Wahlberg instead. Yes. Ryan was let go just days before they started filming in 2007. And as it turns out, this happens way more often than we think. Most recently, we saw this with Shia LaBeouf on Don't Worry Darling. But who else got the ax before filming started?
Marishka Hargitay, who holds the honor of the longest running character on television with Law and Order SCU. But before all of that, in 1995, she was cast in the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers movie as Queen Dulcea. Dulcea? I was four years old. I'm so sorry. The movie was filming in Australia. She was really excited. She had already been fit for a costume and prosthetics and makeup.
Then she went home to America for Christmas, which was apparently a no-no. He found out after the holidays that she... |
TheOnion | Obama_Runs_Constructive_Criticism_Ad_On_McCain | After dozens of Republican attack ads, Barack Obama finally fired back this week with a series of constructive criticism ads that gently point out inconsistencies in McCain's policies. Let's take a look. Barack Obama thinks John McCain is a true American and would make an excellent president. But it seems like some voters might be confused by his healthcare plan. Barack Obama is sure it is a good plan, but maybe it could be expressed more clearly than it is now. Maybe Senator McCain could give a couple of specifics. Then again, Senator McCain could probably continue doing what he's doing now and would surely win a lot of votes anyway.
I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message. Joining us now from the War for the White House Election Analysis bunker is Jack Bergen. Jack, good to see you. You too, Andrea. Now Jack, Obama has clearly decided to take the gloves off and go negative. That is right.
He's telling Republicans, you punched me in the face. I'm not just going to stand there. I'll wince, raise up my hand, and ask you politely to stop. Were you surprised by this move, Jack?
Actually, Andrea, we've seen Obama using consistently more forceful language over these past few months. Oh, that's why we have. Go back to July where he called McCain a real character. He is really baring his teeth now. Yes, and that's the point he was trying to make with this next ad as well. John McCain would further embroil American troops in Iraq.
Barack Obama feels this is wrong for America. But that's not to say Barack Obama is perfect or anything. If McCain wanted, he could point out that Obama voted to subsidize coal interests despite his rhetoric against global warming. Not that McCain has to do that. Barack Obama is just saying. I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message.
Oh, goodness. Those are some scathingly helpful suggestions in that ad.
That is right. Obama's campaign manager, David Plouffe, said Obama wanted to hit McCain hard, but not in a way that would hurt McCain's feelings. Or make him think that Obama doesn't like him as a person, right? Right, exactly.
Now, is Obama going to bring up any of these points of contention in his next debate with McCain? No, he'd be too nervous to say them out loud to McCain's face. We have heard Obama has been having some second thoughts about the ads. Yeah, according to Campaign Insiders, Obama was up all night with a stomach ache, worrying the ads would make McCain, quote, hate him. Really? His concerns over the previous two ads caused him to create this apology ad, which started running in key battleground states tonight.
Let's take a look at it.
Barack Obama is sorry if he made John McCain mad before. He's just running this ad to say, no matter what happens, Obama hopes they can stay friends, because presidential races come and go, but friends are what matter in the end. I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message. Well, that was very nice of Obama. Now, tell me, Jack, how has McCain reacted to the ads? He's planning to release an ad calling Obama a gay-loving, elitist Muslim, and then a second one targeted at his children. I understand Obama attempted to get several of his friends to run harsher attack ads for him, but they wouldn't do it.
That's right. He also tried to get his wife to run one. All right. Well, thanks for joining us, Jack. |
Wizards_with_Guns | desperate_actors_too_dumb_to_realize_they_re_in_a_heist | us robbers are really gonna clean this place out because okay hold on what now okay I feel like you can't hear my lines through the mask like I'm doing some quality I'm just keep the mask down yeah just keep the mask thank you and um do you mind if I see the footage real quick because last time you weren't filming and let me just pull up my mind what are you doing turn the lights off why it's more authentic that way okay what are you wearing it's a burglars costume we're playing robbers this is an actual film set this director is for real okay this could be our big brain come on guys let's go now on let's stay in character no matter what okay let's hurry it up all right what what are you doing oh boy thieving sure isn't easy Pittsburgh is where a couple of steelers you know this isn't working for my god maybe he told me where the scene is going like what comes next my buddy and he's coming for the the big getaway scene okay all right yeah this is a really nice house by the way is this your house yeah this is this is my house well then why did we break into the back window it's called method acting I told you this guy was for real hey Frank I know our next scene okay you're gonna steal that TV okay Michael what are you doing I'm setting a trap like at home alone just one marble it's the kid who sets the traps not the bandits you idiot steely steely steely steely hey what did I say stay in character no matter what I'm sorry Frank help me oh my god what are you doing up there so I thought it would be a good idea for my character to be on the roof but turns out my character is deathly afraid of heights okay well listen man we're gonna get you down no no no I got it okay you know I'm fine you hit the ground so hard Frank Frank look at me how many fingers am I holding up I don't know like oh no yo my god Frank Frank I'm Robert oh dude this scene is over don't break character okay the next scene take in the refrigerator okay by the way when is your friend coming Oh Andy yeah I don't know where he is better get here soon what family uh yeah that's my family but you're not in it that's cuz I was taking the picture what did you see your name was again I gotta go I'll be right all right hello got a call about a disturbance oh you must be Andy no I'm officer Daniels oh okay officer Daniel yeah all right stay in character I get it nice gentlemen what is all this we're robbing the joint yeah I'm gonna need some backup yeah sure call the Calvary they can't help you now pig you'll never take me alive my traffic work no it didn't okay yeah that wasn't bad but maybe the next hit use a little pizzazz you know stay right where you are do not move a muscle that's way better great job oh and wow I love your costume this thing even looks really real that thing been on the whole time all right dispatch I think I got everything under control I told you it works no oh my god Frank what are you doing up there guys I stole the room |
SaturdayNightLive | miss_universe_snl | We now return to the Miss Universe patch and brought to you by 80 for Brady. Finally a movie for your mom that your mom won't like. Back to Miss Universe. One of several shows still on the air where we rank women. But it's not what you think. We do it based off of looks. Ladies, All right. Anyway, we are down to our final seven contestants. why don't you remind everybody what country you're representing?
I'm having a lot of energy. Maybe too much energy.
Well, it's time for the interview round. I'll ask a few questions and we'll just go down the line. Okay, favorite food. Not sure that I made this clear. didn't think that I would have to, but you don't need to scream every answer. Yeah, also Miss France. are you okay? All right, next question and you'll have 45 seconds to respond. where do you see yourself in five years? Did you say Dan? What? All right, let's just move on to the talent portion of the competition. Can't wait to see what you prepared. Let's pick it up with Miss Albania. Why would I have you say your talents are your brains broken? I mean, I heard you girls backstage having the most thoughtful conversations. where did that go? What?
No, don't come over here.
Help. What do you need help with? You need help with France?
Just please go back. Okay, I know back this way. thank you. thank you very much.
All right, let's just move on to the next question. and I don't know why this is what it is, but favorite Tv episode? You don't have to summarize the plot: Miss Albania, you got a favorite memory that you could tell us the Shakira Super Bowl halftime show. Like were you there or something? All right. you know what? let's just go to our judges who are inexplicably the two Property Brothers and Tony Hawk. Who is your pick?
France, France. It really is. The Property Brothers and Tony Hawk tell us, why'd you take this gig bad with money? I'm his twin. All right, I can't believe I'm saying this. but the winner is Miss France.
I. I don't even want to ask. but do you have anything that you want to say? Don't take the vaccine, Come on. Anything but that. Oh, |
ClickHole | this_will_change_the_way_you_watch_mulholland_drive | Mulholland Drive David Lynch's neo-noir thriller about how car accidents make everything confusing is jam-packed with hidden facts that'll blow you away. Here's some trivia that'll change the way you watch Mulholland Drive forever. One of the central mysteries in the movie is the consistent appearance of the red lampshade. When fans noticed this in the film, they were strongly divided over what it symbolized. But in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, David Lynch put the debate to bed, saying the lampshade was a symbol for dinner. This scene was especially hard to shoot because the film crew had to go around to every individual house in LA and ask them to turn their lights on. Here's something interesting.
The only reason this guy was struggling with this luggage was because he is weak as hell. According to people on set, the trunk was completely empty and only weighed three, maybe five pounds tops, and this guy was just pathetic.
Does the man behind Winkies look familiar to you? Well, it may be because he was immortalized in a famous 2001 Got Milk ad in Sports Illustrated magazine. And here's a pretty amazing look behind the scenes. Ever wonder what the man behind Winkies looks like when you watch the grime off of him? You'd never believe it, but he actually looks like this.
David Lynch is known to create bizarre worlds in order to say something about reality. Like in this scene, where he creates a place called Winkies Diner to show that places in the real world serve food too. Lynch also employed his typical Lynchian cinematography, creating haunting visual dreamscapes by putting people in cowboy hats. Another testament to Lynch's dream-like filmmaking style is this scene right here that draws upon the classic dream everyone has where Naomi Watts kisses an old man. For this scene, the script specifically says that man is not supposed to spit out his coffee after he drinks it, but the man kept doing it so many times they eventually just let it slide.
Here's something pretty cool. The man that was hired to take these shits never showed up on set, and Naomi Watts was so fed up waiting for him to arrive that she took the initiative to take those shits herself. So that's acting. Here's something interesting. Nobody knows who this lady is. She just showed up on set one day and started talking like this.
David Lynch put the footage in the movie because he was worried the film wasn't long enough. Lynch included this part of the film because he had just taken a Spanish class and wanted to showcase some of the new words he had learned. Lynch originally filmed an entire three-hour movie about the adventures of miniature aunt and uncle, but then decided to cut most of it and just left this scene in there. Naomi Watts was ferociously criticized for pulling out her off-brand Rubik's cube to play with it during filming. Lynch only noticed it during editing and couldn't afford to pay for reshoots, so he had to make do with it.
Well that's all the trivia about Mulholland Drive I've got for you today. Hopefully now you know more about what many people believe to be one of the greatest films ever made. See you next time! |
ClickHole | we_talked_to_4_couples_that_actually_met_using_tinder | You want to go first, or is it? You. You go.
We've been together 18 months, and we met using Tinder. We met on Tinder, and we've been together for almost a year now. It was Tinder for us, and we met on Tinder, and now we've been together since the beginning of time. I also met on Tinder. At first I was a little bit nervous about meeting up with a stranger on Tinder, but now we're going to die in the same boat explosion. His Tinder profile picture was the two of us having sex, and so I thought, this is a good sign.
I saw all of his pictures of him and his dad holding hands, and I was just like, ah, this is the stranger who needs to be naked for me in my house. What can I say? I love my old Christian dad. He messaged me first, and he said, with all due respect, I'm dizzy all of the time, and the world is a nauseous cruise for me. And so she messaged me back, and she said, you remind me of the prince of trouble. Our first date was in a car that was flying over a cliff. He was wearing a funeral bathing suit, and I don't care what I was wearing. Our first date was at my house.
We ate cursed eggs, and then I said, well, it's time for us to do sexual things like have sex and fuck each other. And then I said, it's time for us to team up against your crotch and make it sad. And then, we understood that it was time to become bitter enemies of my crotch.
That night, he messaged me the words, expensive sandals in all caps, and I thought to myself, wow, those sandals sound very expensive, and that's when I knew I wanted to see him again. So he turned to me and said, I'm thinking about sandals that cost pretty much $9 million. I was thinking about sandals so big and expensive that not even a king could lift them. We've been together ever since. He drove me home, and as I was getting out of the car, he handed me a piece of paper that said, what about sandals that neither of us can afford? And then he turns to me, and he says, are you talking about sandals that cost about $50,000 plus shipping and handling?
And he said, sort of, but not exactly. I mean, I guess some people think that it's weird that we met on Tinder, but I don't really think it's that unusual. I mean, my parents met yelling at the same hot dog, and they've been married all day. You just never know where you're going to find love. |
CrackerMilk | there_s_nothing_unusual_about_this_orphanage | Hello everyone. Hey, um, oh sorry one sec get out Over the sound of you getting the fuck out of my sight loser. Yeah, you should leave That's right. We don't like you here and we don't want you to that table. Yeah This is the cool kids table and you my friend are a loser.
You are a smell off the not cool What's that? What is it? It's group leaving this table get the fuck Hey, bro, guess what? I'm gonna make your bottom half invisible. Ah, look at that. What's on you? You can do anything do something cool with it. Make it look like it's floating Make it look like it's letting you can do anything silly Wow How does that do something else? They don't know what you're doing?
Hello, hello boys Knock knock. Sorry. All right, come in Come in come open the door. Hey, how's it going?
Um, my name's are lint chocolate and actually Worked down at the local orphanage and I was wondering if any of you guys have considered. I'm raising a child together I think it'd be something that you should really consider. I've really been wanting that Child to raise we got time. I've never considered it, but that's fine, too I don't really mind. I've often been a home. We've got time throwing a ball at a wall being like wow I wish there was a little son or daughter that you could throw at the wall instead Just so you know, we've got two different orphanages. Okay, the first one is beautiful They get probably like two hours out to play in the yard Okay They live a pretty long life before they're taken to the slaughter and it is quite respectful and on top of that Expats When they're in that within within the orphanage not much But outside of the orphanage they could last quite a while The other one is are fully caged So once they've left they're born into the cage and it just makes it so storage wise We can keep them in there and we sort of upgrade the cage every five years Like a goldfish they wouldn't know any better.
They don't know any better They are very very shy but they're also very easy to sort of demand things from emboss them around Just with the first one when you bring them all back in for selection. Yeah, do you sort of know with the stun gun? Do you you hold it up to their head and you pull the trigger and it bashes into their skull and sort of?
That's my profile whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, are you implying that I kill my children like I would cattle Well, you're describing an abattoir, you know, that's what we're that's where we're going. I'm describing in orphanage Sorry, I was thinking of a slaughterhouse. Yeah. No, no, but we do ask slaughter all of the children if they're not adopted in time So there's probably there's a good 50 to 60 children. They're in the free-range one About 35 of them are up for slaughter by the end of the day.
Okay. Well, how about we get to? To free-range in one cage Can I get a large? Problem is you can't really mix them is the thing because the ones that a cage don't really understand all of the social Nuances of being out of a cage and the ones that are out of the cage are kind of like hey dad Why does this kid say that he likes sort of lived in a cage recently like whole life? Tell what I can do for you guys today. Okay.
Yeah, I'll give you two free-range children Now the price is higher the organic organic organic free 100% organic free-range. Hey free range free-range 100% organic children and those free-range children are they free-range a hundred percent organic free-range children and what I'll do is I'll throw in a Toyota Hilux, I love it. How's that? You get a ute and you get two free-range children top of the line and let me tell you something Hmm They're kids. You've got a Hilux deal with the free-range.
Yes, I do But say I'm imagining the cage children are cheaper because there's less less labor intensive. Yes upbringing Yes, does that mean that we would be getting a potentially a Bentley or an Aston Martin? That's a as a bundle deal car. No Look, we do have a deal that I don't really like to talk about with children It does require you to buy for cage children. Okay for children. Yes cage children hear me out Okay, give me a chance you buy for cage children. We don't tell their mums See I was planning on just getting Three like that's kind of what I was looking at kind of max, but for I think Yeah, I think I could do it. I think I could sorry.
No, you said that you you won't tell their mums I was under the assumption that this is an orphanage. Yes, so that they didn't they didn't know that Sorry, it's actually like lint is actually a French Phrase orphanage in French is actually pronounced orphanage and it sounds you know, that's very fine quite different Yeah, and the difference is orphanage in French means daycare We would pretend to take your kids for the day and then we try to sell them in the meantime And if you don't come back in time, we kill the child. Ah damn French is like they're good amazing Do you mind if we just have like a private discussion before we absolutely just go through with this I was really thinking the free range but since hearing about the deal where the mums don't even know it's pretty good Like that's a lot less risk.
We might get a fun kid though We were only head that's okay though, because we were only wanting like three. So if there's one that's one dad just yeah Yeah, and then that's what we wanted. Anyway, so I mean, I think that's good. Yeah Let's go meet some of the kids. Yeah. Yeah, I heard all of that. Wait, you just take a phone call Yeah, yes Yeah, like sort of a daycare you might describe it as sort of like a daycare you might describe it as a daycare Yeah, okay I'll pick you up at the end of the day. That's okay Who was that?
Well, you've just hung up on him, but that was my like my good son Mmm, I have an organic son one from my own loins He did say we shouldn't mix them no, no, no, you don't mix kids I've got a deal Okay, so you give me four cage kids that you said where the deal is the mums. I don't like this Come on you give me four cage kids mums don't know and I'll give you my little boy My little Lachlan you can take him. That's a free-range boy kid get him free-range boy get him Okay Lachlan, this is um, this is uh, what's your name?
Sorry lint lint chocolate open your mouth Show me your teeth. Look him in the eyes lots of teeth. I show you he's imperfect. Are they all good teeth? They're good teeth. We've any of those teeth bad in their car. He's never had to go to the dentist We've gone to the dentist for checkups dentists has always said why have you brought him? He's good He's good. Open his mouth. Check him.
How old are you? I'm 20. What? I'm not your son.
I little Lachlan doesn't know what he's saying. He's so fucked in the head That's why he needs to come with you. He went through a big growth spurt. Hey, buddy.
He was funny Do you um, do you think you'd prefer a little bit outside time or you think you love your inside time? Well, I'm an introvert so I like being inside Really? You like being tucked away inside. You like how that feels?
Yeah, he even tells me when I when I put into bed sometimes he says put me in the cage again He likes cages. Hey, no, we want to catch you. We're getting the cages You know, we will catch talk to like talk to him like he's a baby so he gets in the cage Oh, yes, come on lucky. Come on He's a baby Come on come on All right, so you can take little lucky okay and as part of the deal So you take him he I guess he wants to be caged.
That's fine. And I'll take four cage kids No worries. Um, we'll go meet the children. Excellent.
He's one of them. His name is Ella font.
Hi How are you feeling today? Pretty bloated. Why is that? I really haven't had like had any kind of food So Ella font, um, yes, how are you with with holding a little pickaxe? Well, pretty good.
I've done it a lot in my time Let's be real here. He won't be holding a pickaxe. Will he you're Joseph Kony And I know that you're here to pick up some child soldiers. I know I know I know your face from a mile away Joseph I you're a celebrity. Trust me. You're a celebrity around here. Well, and this kid won't be holding a pickaxe What will he be holding Joseph? You got me? It's just crazy how I know I've even gone out of the way to get a little arm strap as well. So wow, you really do care I got luxury.
How do you say? What do you say? Think about that? Well fine.
That's pretty good I haven't had much experiences with Ak-47s before but I think they're gonna train you with Call of Duty warzone You will also be in the mines mining gold as well with the ak-47 I am used to being in mines. Sometimes you go on a guard shift other times. You'll be mining.
This here is Jules Hi, I'm this is his sister Jules with the double you know, I am Jules very they look very similar Yeah, they sound very simple fantastic group. The only problem is they are conjoined at the anus So and this is our last child now the problem with this one is It's not really a normal kid. What do you mean?
Well, his name is Stewart. He's a he's a mouse. He's a mouse Stewart hi, I'm Stewart Stewart I'm here.
I'm here to get children For my my ranch. Yeah, I train you up to be a child soldier It's just a bit difficult for me to get past the fact that you are clearly in all ways An anthropomorphic mouse, yep, that's right Do you think you'd bring any sort of assets to me perhaps a small little red car or a friend that is a little finch Look the cars gone. I don't have the car anymore You lost the car, where did you lose the car? It got towed away cause I was drink driving Okay, well Look I Reckon you might even fit the bill for me because I'm on my ranch.
Look we you know, we get a bit rowdy. I Don't mind a bit of a bit of a rapscallion joining my bunch You know what? I think I might take a risk on this Excellent, well, let's sign the papers to confirm the transaction. I'm signing the fact that Little's an undercover call to it little you have inside of your skin Stuart little you have a gun A badge that says Stuart little undercover cop Right here How long would we go to jail for child trafficking Do you know something Stuart? What about this big? Hey Elias, how's it going now that we only have three children. Do we still get a fourth? In No, the contract's been signed We're gonna have to go with it three cases. Are they doing business with you and it's lovely doing business with you patreon You guys are making this podcast happen and we are not joking We wouldn't be doing this without your support and all of you guys are a bunch of caged children Thanks on my ranch on Joseph Kony's ranch. I Love you all Hey do something crazy with do something crazy |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Latrell_Mitchell | Hello listeners, it's Clancy Overall here. I've had to come into the studio over the weekend to record a new intro to this week's podcast because a lot has changed in the world since we recorded our interview on last Thursday. This week's podcast is a bittersweet interview with one of the most promising talents in the NRL.
Latrell Mitchell, the Tari Ferrari, at 23 years and two months old, this South Sydney Rabideau superstar, has achieved more in rugby league than most players do in a lifetime. Two back-to-back premierships with his old club, the Sydney Roosters, and two back-to-back origin series in those same years. He's won a cabinet full of Dallium awards and won both the Kangaroos jersey and the Indigenous All-Stars jersey on multiple occasions.
Now 2020 marked an exciting pivot in the story of Latrell Mitchell. After moving to the bunnies to be coached under Wayne Bennett in his preferred position of fullback, the crowds were treated to a very different style of play from Latrell and he was improving each week alongside one of the most solid spines in the NRL this season. Disappointingly, but as can be expected, Latrell was met with a Fox Sports and Channel 9 media storm as the Journos tried their best to break him. The same kind of clickbait and hysterical commentary that we all saw with Adam Goodes and Greg Inglis before him when the Black Poppies grew too tall. However, Latrell Mitchell was able to shake off the grubby undertones and in the reporting of Paul Kent and Stefanovic and began to lift as the bunnies made their finals dash. Now at the time of this interview, Latrell had just finished shutting up the Rednecks again with a 56-16 win over the Manly Sea Eagles. So the positivity and optimism in this interview is obviously indicative of the headspace Latrell was in before round 16.
On Thursday night, he was taken from the field with a hamstring tendon rupture during South Sydney's 38-0 shellacking of Parramatta. Now that injury has ruled him out for the rest of the season. That's not the last we'll see of Latrell Mitchell. He'll be back in 2021. He can now escape the COVID bubble and spend time with his family.
We can be sure that Wayne Bennett's Rabbit-O's won't die with the music still in them. But this is the man we interviewed last week, Latrell Mitchell, South Sydney Rabbit-O's full back.
Today's guest is one of the biggest names in Australian sport, certainly one of the biggest names in rugby league this season. And for the last couple, yeah, another very special COVID guest. We've been managing to bring in the big names during COVID because everyone seems to be at home when they're in their downtime.
Thank you for joining us, Latrell Mitchell. Thanks, boys. Thanks for having me.
Now what's been going on as we record this interview, you've just put a couple of points on the Manly Seagulls. As the coach Wayne Bennett described it, an exemplary game of football. The boys are really starting to lift.
How's it feeling down there in Redfern? It's awesome. It's very exciting.
Honestly, there's a lot of credit to them front rollers that we have. And people have sort of said to us early on that our front rollers weren't going to do it for us. And they've teed off and really picked up the game. And I think that's where it's been starting. And then obviously the spine. We've been working really hard together and we're building combinations that are going to benefit us. Going forward in the next couple of rounds. And I think the more pressure that gets put on us, the better we play.
So I think, you know, if Wayne back out of isolation with his little slip up. But yeah, look, I'm really excited. Obviously, you know, training has been good and it's been fun. So, and Wayne obviously just relaxes everyone when he's around. So, it's been awesome.
Is there any other team that you'd rather put 56 points on than Manly? I'd have to be the rooster.
We've got the soundbite there. People are saying you've got one of the best spines in the game right now. Did you, you know, envision the team bolting together like this when you signed? Oh, definitely. You know, there's obviously James Roberts, the outside backs.
And, you know, there's a few younger fellas that I wanted to come over to. And I've worked up a good relationship with. And obviously, you know, Adam Reynolds and Cody Walker, just two lads I wanted to connect with. And obviously Cookie playing in the dummy half role.
I just, yeah, there's a lot of, like you said, mate. There's a lot of reasons why I come over and not only a great indigenous club, but, you know, a great club in itself with, you know, the history. And, you know, probably the one of, I think it's the first club you're in in a row. So, you know, everyone in Taree bleeds red and green and my old boy and my mum.
And I thought it was sort of a homecoming call, you know, I just done enough with the roosters to sort of, you know, explore my options. And obviously wasn't going to get my crack at full back there with, you know, Tedesco being the best, you know, in the world. Yeah, look, I just wanted to challenge myself. Santa was in my preferred position and full back has always been that. And it's only sort of, you know, why I took off and I had to, you know, go my own way and challenge myself.
Now, mate, you come from a part of the country that is renowned for rugby league talent, not just in your family. You know, a lot of people from that part of the world have gone on to make big names for themselves in the NRL. Can you tell us what it's like growing up in Taree and surrounds, you know, on the sidelines? Is rugby league what it's all about up there?
Yeah, definitely. Everyone loves it. Everyone's religion up there, you know, like sport is just obviously a way to, you know, get something and play with your mates over the weekend. And obviously people are flat out working and whatnot. But then I think sport is something that brings the town together. And I've always been a massive, you know, rugby league fan.
And, you know, the old boy obviously come down out of the crack and whiffs us. And obviously he got an opportunity, got home sick and opportunities sort of arose for me and, you know, me and my brothers. And, you know, I took them and obviously I wanted to challenge myself and get out of Taree and make something of myself because, you know, being a Koori lad there and growing up, it's not easy.
I can't speak for, you know, the majority, but, you know, I know for myself and my family, you know, we had it rough and, you know, mum and dad struggled to, you know, get food on the table. But there was always food on the table, you know what I mean?
So I just really, I'm really grateful for what they've given me and my brothers the opportunity to chase our dreams. And, you know, the things worked out the way it did. And I can't thank them enough. And look, I get the opportunity to look after my, you know, my parents now, you know, the way they looked after me.
Mate, how did you find the move to Sydney off the bat? You know, like you'd come down from Taree just being a country boy in the big smoke. How are your first, you know, couple of months down here, how did you find it? Oh, so firstly, I moved from, I got my opportunity, you know, Newcastle obviously didn't want me in.
And then I come down for the Bulldogs trials and, you know, Crusher cleared, said no, and, you know, I would never make nothing of myself. And, you know, obviously, and then, yeah, look, I got a crack on the Central Coast and Turians and, you know, they took a swing on me and, you know, I can't thank them enough as a club. And, you know, they're not big, you know, they're just a little feeder club.
And, you know, the opportunity I got there sort of put a pathway in front of me where I could, you know, play the best footy I could to get myself recognised. And, you know, that year, I think 2013, I was 15 and moved away and playing Harold Matts and got the opportunity to play Origin and play the Roosters. I think that's where it sort of kicked off when I played the Roosters, you know, that year and scored a couple of tries against them, you know, sort of picked a few brains and, you know, got the opportunity, got the phone call to come down the next year. And, you know, I had my crack at extra ball with the Roosters and went a long way to, you know, winning a comp there with them first year. And I was probably one of the youngest players there.
So, it was confronting moving down because I was going to school by myself, all the boys, you know, my older brother was obviously down with me and we did the, you know, the little journey by ourselves and, you know, moving into the house with a few, you know, the older Maori boys from New Zealand, you know, they got the same sort of, you know, family orientation as we do in Australia and being away from them was hard. And I was the only one in the sort of the Roosters' house that was going to school, so it was just even harder, you know, and the only time I'd sort of show up was sports days, you know, so. They were already playing. All these fellas wearing, yeah, yeah, playing footy and I sort of was just working my way up and it was just sort of hard because I just couldn't go to school and play footy and be away from home at the same time. It was a struggle, you know, and I didn't know how to catch a bus, so I was sort of working out on my own and, you know, and I was walking to school. Yeah, it was just, that's the sort of, you know, adversity I faced growing up, you know, coming up and, you know, as a young fella coming in in the big smoke.
I'm guessing you and your brother Shaq weren't driving dual cab Hiluxes back then either, back and forth from Taree. Nah, well, he's still trying to get his license up, fella. I said, as soon as I turned 16, get my oils and, you know, and obviously I was, one of my first goals was getting my license, so, you know, I got them and, you know, I was just flying around then on my red peas. One of the big misconceptions about you, Latrell, you know, going from the Roosters to the Bunnies, you know, Bunnies, you're training down there on Redfern Oval in the shadow of, you know, all the different towers and, you know, you're a block away from where Reynolds grew up on Pitt Street and there's a big kind of, you know, it's an inner city urban club and it's a big urban indigenous community, but, you know, you're not from there. That's what people don't realize. You're a bit of a redneck.
Yeah, exactly. I drive a Land Cruiser, you know, that's the things I love. I love dressing up, you know, as a cowboy. I grew up, my first job was dairy farming with, you know, my mate and I got to do that through school, you know, on and off, you know, just a little cashing in thing. And I said, stuff that, I'm not waking up five o'clock every morning just to milk a cow, you know, I took off to Sydney then and that sort of forced me away and, you know, I love my utes, I love driving up the coast to go home. And now that I've bought a block of my own, you know, I love it, you know, so, you know, that hat sitting there, that's me, you know, that's me all day.
It's a lot easier to run beef than it is to run milk. Way easier. Definitely. Yeah, you can lie in bed until noon and the cows are still going to be there.
Too much work for them dairy fellas. Just stopped it. The milk isn't worth the squeeze, as they say.
So you just spoke about your move down to Sydney. What was it like being a young fella being chosen for the Australian school boys team to head over to England and to France? That must have been, you know, a real change in the weather for you. Definitely. It was eye-opener because, you know, I've just never ever got on a plane before then, you know what I mean? So I was sort of a bit anxious and nervous and I obviously got the opportunity to go overseas and play Australian school boys role and I played full back obviously. And, you know, I enjoyed myself, but I still got homesick, you know, being away from Australia and being away from Taurie and, you know, I think a few of the boys, you know, just, you know, six to eight weeks, I think were over there just playing games. And I said, I couldn't, you know, I couldn't handle the cold either, you know, so I was just, my head was just spinning and I was just like, well, I've just got to knuckle down here, you know, put effort in and win some games and get home. So that's how I sort of put my mentality towards that and ended up getting player of the tournament over there. And, you know, that was where I started going, you know, and started sort of reaching new levels of where I could take my footy. And then I got back and, you know, Trent said, you know, as soon as I turned 18, he said, are you ready? And I said, yeah, you know, first round 2016. So, yeah, just it was a massive eye opener going overseas. And I think, you know, doing all that and playing with some quality, you know, young players and, you know, to see them obviously, you know, playing great as well, it's crazy because, you know, you're there with them young, you know, with them lads, the same, you know, yeah. And we're all playing great now. So it's crazy because, you know, it's only like a matter of time where you can just, you know, flip the switch and change your mindset and be able to achieve something that you've always wanted to do. And I think, you know, I was one of the first, so I really enjoyed myself over there. And I think, you know, it was a great experience to sort of take my footy to where I needed to be.
Early on, I guess, in your career, everyone, you know, us watching rugby league and particularly the media, they saw a rising talent. And I'm sure you would have felt that a lot earlier than everyone else. People would have been tapping you on the shoulder as a teenager. But by the time you made it to grade footy, Latrell was already, you know, you're already a one name player. Latrell, that's up there with a couple others, you know, not many others in that kind of realm. When did you start noticing, you know, the media kind of hysteria around this young Koori kid from Tari?
Was that first season, second season? And was there anyone there that kind of gave you kind of any tips or, you know, kind of mentored you in that way? Well, I think it sort of started in 20s as I, you know, started getting the TV games and, you know, putting on a few clinics there. And yes, you did. Yeah. Winning some games there. And, you know, obviously I was stoked that I'd be on TV and play and, you know, because then obviously my parents couldn't make it sometimes, some weekends. And, you know, it was just good for them to sit back and watch us from home and, you know, for that and then to obviously transfer into grade.
And I think Mitch Orbison, you know, I'll give him a massive wrap, you know, congratulations to him on his 300 and man, his retirement as well. He's had a great career and he's a great role model for younger fellas coming through because he just knows how to talk to people. And, you know, just being a country boy himself, you know, from Ballina, you know, I sort of grew a connection with him and there's a bit of an age difference there with things. But I've been calling him one of my best mates, you know, because I've got the opportunity to come through and for him to, you know, sort of, you know, work me into it and, you know, give me a few tips on the way. And I think it sort of benefited and I took it with both hands.
And, you know, I can't thank the man enough. And he knows that every time you have a few beers up me, I'm a bit emotional around him. And I, you know, like I said, man, I can't thank the man enough.
And, you know, obviously the Roosters give me an opportunity to just taste my own things now, my challenges and, you know, the adversity I've faced going, you know, from one team to the opposite, you know, of Anzac Parade. So, you know, the boys are really supportive over here now and, you know, I really fit in well and I really love the way that we're playing footy. I'm guessing as a young fella growing up, GI, you know, was an influence he was for every, pretty much any young rookie and, you know, anyone who's been in the game for a couple of years would be able to say that they grew up watching GI. What was it like to land down there at Redfern Oval and have him standing there barking orders at you? What's that like for, you know, for a kid who grew up watching the man? Yeah, that's crazy. Like I said, I've been a massive Matty Bowen fan since I was a junior and I just knew straight away I wasn't going to be that Matty Bowen player. And I grew out of that sort of that size and, you know, and then Greg started playing full back and centres and, you know, I knew that was sort of how I sort of wanted to play my footy. And, you know, he was a great example of how a footy player and an instinctive footy player should be, you know, and he dominated also, you know, in that centre role and whatever role he played, he dominated. So, you know, I looked up to that and that's why I took it, you know, a chance to come over and sort of, you know, keep playing the way I do and playing that, you know, that bigger full back role. Not the little speedy fellas and, you know, the way that, you know, Billy, you know, you've got your Billys and your Kalampongers and, you know, all them fellas, but I just think I'm a different full back to them fellas, you know.
It's not about, I don't worry about stats, you know, people worry about all this, you know, running higher metres and it does benefit, it does benefit the team when one, you know, your positional players are running higher metres. But I think I can benefit my team in, you know, icing the plays, putting people over the trilines or, you know, making the right opportunities where I can put my team in the best position possible. And that's where I think I can benefit. And I have been benefiting my teams, you know.
I think my wingers have been loving me, you know, they can't stop shaking me in. You know, it's crazy because, yeah, I just come over and big, you know, Greg is one of the coaching roles and, you know, big Sam Burdus and John Sutton and, you know, he's got these legends that I've played against and watched growing up, but, you know, it's for them to come and, you know, have a laugh and to build a connection with them was just, yeah, it was crazy and amazing at the same time because, you know, being a young fella, you know, you've looked up to these fellas playing, playing footy. You're part of that blues, the renaissance of the New South Wales blues, you know, that kind of hurts us a little bit as Queenslanders, but, you know, it's great to see.
It was a long time coming, it was. It was a long time coming.
It's good to see origin balance out a little bit. And a lot of people would put it down to you in those little Ferraris in the spine. What was it like playing with those fellas? I mean, because you probably wouldn't have played with Jimmy the Jet before or Adocar even. And, you know, and some, of course, incredibly talented selection that the blues have nowadays. Yeah, no, definitely. Like you said, man, it was just crazy to be in a team full of, you know, strike weapons, you know, and you got two fast as lads in the NRL and I got one outside me with the benefit of me and my footy and, you know, and obviously James Maloney with his, you know, he's pretty switched on with the footy and, you know, you've got to hold it on him so he knows the game and, you know, you got your Cam Murray's for the middle, Damien Cook's running and five, six, you know, years ago, there wasn't them players, you know, they went to the calibre that the players are now, I think, you know, Queensland just had all of them players, you know, the strike weapon that, like, yeah, you put Queensland in now, you know, it'd be a tussle, you know, so I think just for how, you know, Greg and, you know, there was Hojo and then there was, you know, all them Koori fella and Murray fellas over that side and it was a crazy team, man, like Ken Smith, still going now, you know, Koopa Kronk, I got the opportunity to play with Koopa Kronk and Billy, you know, play against Billy Slater and, you know, it's hard to put a team, you know, up against that.
I feel sorry for this. I fell back in the day, to be honest.
Now, the rugby league forward has changed dramatically in the last four or five years, particularly the props. I mean, we saw Papali on the weekend getting clocked at 31 kilometres an hour. That's as fast as a grey hen.
Man, I tell you what, I'd be ashamed. I'd have to walk off if I got anchored.
You know, I mean, it's one thing to run away from these blokes, but to run into them, who do you kind of find to the most humbling, you know, man mountain? Who do you least like running at? I mean, I don't want to give them any ideas, but surely there's got to be one. Probably Nelson.
Yeah. From the storm. He's a unit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I try and not run the ball when he's around, so I just wait for him to go off. Yeah, yeah. Nah.
Man, honestly, they were a little cracker, you know. They were big lads and, you know, you've just got to run hard, I guess. I've always been told to run to the space, not the faces, about them big fellas, you know, because they're good. One-on-one, up in front, they're good, but, you know, you get them laterally moving naturally.
Yeah. It's sort of a, you know, it's a battle for me to win, so. You've done that to Napa a few times, haven't you? Oh, just a bit. The hit and spin. Yeah. Well, we're just at training, you know, you want to just take your head off, so you've just sort of got to run away from him, you know, and it's always that last shoulder you're trying to line up, so you've got to step to the right. Yeah. That helps you a little bit, but if he connects you, you're going, you know, so.
Mate, how easy is it for you to get into, like, the mindset of playing Origin, where, kind of, one week you'd be having a laugh with one of your teammates, and the next week, you know, you could be tackling them headfirst into the cricket pitch, you know. Like, is there, like, a method that you go through to be like, alright, this is who I'm up against this week? Yeah, Dylan's not my mate this week.
Yeah, well, look, I've always been told since a young lad, you know, I don't respect no one in the field, and not even, you know, if they're on your team, they're on your team, if they're not, then, you know, just leave it, you know, till after the game, leave everything on the field, and, you know, I've never respected an opponent until after, you know, if they've had a crack, and that's how I play it, just no disrespect to anyone, that's just how I am. Like, I feel that I want the same back to me, you know, to me, which is how footy is, you know. You know, grudges after the game, you know, whatever happens on the field, I leave on the field, you know, especially between, you know, me and Will. Me and Will went head to head every game, and I think we've played nearly six times in one year, and against each other, and I just said, look, he's going to beat me, or I'm going to beat him. That's how I think. I just go, well, if they're on the other side, and they're not on my team, then I don't see the point in respecting them until after the game, you know, and going back to, you know. We're not mates on the field, we're mates after, you know, I mean, that's how it is. That's how I think. I don't take anything personal, I don't put anything personal into it, just that's how footy is played. That's how I play the game, and people find it as grubbiness and whatnot, but I think they miss the fact that it's a contact sport, you know, and it's an aggressive sport, you know. I don't go out half-assed, you know, to get injured, because that's how you get injured, you know what I mean? You've got to go, you know, flat stick and just give it your all, and if you don't, you end up with these little niggles and whatnot.
And deep down, everyone loves a bit of a grub, though. Deep down. Everyone always, always respects the grub at the end.
Well, Ennis, you know, case in point. Well, you've just got to look at it as in, you know, I'd want him in my team, do you know what I mean? That's how people, you know, people go, oh, he's a grub because he's on the other side, but if he's on your team, you're not saying that, you know what I mean? So that's just how it is. You know, if I've got a supporter from the Bulldog calling me a grub, if I was on the Bulldog side, you know what I mean? He's not calling me a grub. That's what I mean. That's how, yeah, like you said, perfect example. That competitive mindset was perfectly explained in, you know, The Last Dance, where everyone loves Jordan, and Chicago loves Jordan, but, you know, Jordan can be unpleasant to play against, and that's just the game. Well, even his teammates, you know, were sort of, you know, how he was just on it. He maybe took it a bit too far. Yeah, you know what I mean? But that's just how competitive he was, and that's why he's, you know, such a great.
Obviously, everyone, you know, 10 generations down the track are going to know who Michael Jordan is, you know what I mean? So, it's just crazy, the things he used to do, and I guess I'm not adding that calibre of a player, you know, it's a different sport, you know what I mean? So, you know, the things I take into my game is different to what Jordan would think, you know? That's what, you know, yeah, different, but it's, at the end of the day, it's a contact sport, and we've got to go hard and do our best. It's been a tumultuous year for your first year.
I mean, for one, between seasons, you announce the change to the Rabados, which a lot of Roosters fans would call treason and sacrilege, but you look around, a lot of people have done it. They've jumped between those two clubs. As much as those two clubs hate each other, there's a lot of people that bounce between them.
You go Craig Wing, you go even Fletch, you know? Yeah. A lot of people have done that. And then, of course...
Yeah, Kiri.
A lot of people. Little lad.
And then you kind of end up in, obviously, Covid strikes, and then you've got a game against the ropes. If it weren't for a lot of hard-working people at the administrative end, you know, the game might have, you know, had a little mark next to 2020, but they managed to get the game back on, and we'll be doing a November origin.
And then, in the backdrop of all that, Latrell, you've got, you know, the media's obviously figured out your name. Latrell Mitchell is a hot button.
Oh. They've hammered you a fair bit. I mean, they've shut up since. I think a lot has happened in the Australian news cycle. You know, a lot of conversations have been had this year. A lot of those staff writers have pulled their heads in, and, of course, you've shut them up with, you know, your performance on field as well. And we saw that on the weekend. Yeah. Oh, that wasn't even aimed at the media, you know? There was a lad in the stand that was giving it to me, and I just said, Oh, my, you know, name, but then, you know.
You certainly shut them up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you shut up. You shut up a lot of people, which was good.
But tell us, what's life like, I mean, been like in this bubble? I mean, you've obviously got the misses and the kids. You've got that to go home to.
Do you feel sorry for the single blokes playing in the NRL this year? Because, I mean, it's been a pretty lonely time, I imagine.
What are they doing, you know? What do they do if they're not training?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. But, yeah, I do feel a bit sorry for them lads, you know? I think there's a few that are sort of starting to work out that, you know, if there's another single lad on a team, they'd probably just link up and move in together, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Peter Volandes has done a wonderful job in keeping it rolling, you know, and he's had a lot of pull between, you know, the government and Queensland government and being able to let us keep playing our footie and our dream and putting our food on the table for our kids. It's been hard. It has been.
And, you know, just not being able to see your family or not being able to, you know, go out at least and play golf with the boys. Your teammates will go for a swim with the boys.
Yeah, that's crazy, man. Yeah, you can't even get an Italian meal. No.
Or a menu log. See, we've got a menu log.
Yeah, so I guess you haven't been out hunting because, you know, obviously what happened last time. Yeah, that was during the bubble too.
But, you know, how did you get into your hunting? Obviously, you know, you're from out in the bush, but there's lots of people in the bush who don't like hunting. How did you first catch the hunting bug?
So when I was young, obviously I caught it pretty young, and my uncles had always had gun licenses and whatnot, you know, and we went along just to provide for the town and, you know, that sort of went away. For me, you know what I mean, there was no more people hunting. There was, you know, all my orders started passing away and dying out, which is, you know, disappointing and never passed on that tradition.
And I guess just for me, I just wanted to keep that tradition alive for Taree, you know what I mean, and feed my mob. You know, there would be times where I'd go at the mission and I'd have a, you know, I'd get the boys, you know, my crew just to take an esky full, like I mean, an esky full of just roo, you know what I mean? Just take it out there, feed the mob, and that's what I used to do. Whereas, you know, I'd finish the game, go up, you know, do a round, get a few, you know, and get a bit of meat and, you know, go out and distribute to the mob and, you know, feed them.
That's where I found sort of that balance between, you know, my footy and going away from footy, and that's where I love, you know. You know, Mrs and kids are really understanding about that stuff because that's tradition for me. It's men's business, you know, I'll get the opportunity to go and do it with my father, you know, and he taught me a lot about, you know, skinning and gutting and just the little things, you know, about good stuff from the sea. You know, if I got stuck at the beach, I'd know where to go and get a feed, and, you know, and that's just the life skills that I've learnt over the years and with my dad and passing it on to us, you know, us boys. And now that I've got the girls, you know, they've got a bit of a different role to play because they're women, you know, and they've got different traditions to our business, you know, we can't go into women's, you know, areas and do stuff where men can do whatever they want in their area, you know what I mean, that's just how our tradition is and that's our culture and how cold, yeah, and we just had different ways of doing things and I think for me it's just hunting and providing was the best thing, that's the way I got the bug and obviously chasing pigs was a bit of a... It's also a bit of fun. Well, it's almost a rite of passage, you know, as a young fella in the bush to learn how to cut the legs off a kangaroo.
How old were you when you learnt not to pierce the stomach lining because that can often, you know, clear a five acre packet? Yeah, it's not the gut you're worried about, it's the piss bag in the middle. Yeah. So if you hit that, it just spoils the meat, so you sort of, you know, I'll get my uncle and then let him have it and then he can just wash it off and that's it, he loves that. I'm not wasting this, you know, I'm taking it all no matter what happens to it. It's just, I watched for a very long time, you know, I watched my dad do it, my uncle, you know, they used to string them up on trees and just watch them do it and it's just craft, you know what I mean? You know, try not to nick the meat as much and spoil it and the biggest thing was getting, you know, getting the piss bag out was the biggest thing, you know, if you got that out here in the clear, you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I watched for a very long time until I started getting, you know, a bit older where I was like all along and have a crack now and then I started learning and now I can rip through one now, so it's good, it's a good skill to have. What's your favourite bit of the roo, is it the tail? Nah, I sort of like, they're like inside, oh, look what they call it, tenderloins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're pretty good. Yeah, so they sit in there, they're probably one of the biggest bits of the roo that's pretty good, but the tail, everyone loves tail, you know, there'd be 10 tails in one bag and mob just came out on it.
You just mentioned there, Latrell, about, you know, you spend a lot of time listening, obviously that's, you know, your culture, Wiradjuri, man, you know, Koori Kidd from up that way, you spend a lot of time listening and learning, that also, you know, translates to you in football, you know, you had a good relationship with Trent, the Roosters and now you're actually, you get the opportunity, you know, a lot of people kind of dream of this as footballers to play underneath Wayne Bennett. How has that been and has that been everything you kind of thought it would be? Because of the blokes we've interviewed on this podcast that have worked for Wayne, they've all got to say the same thing. I don't think we've met anyone who kind of questions his techniques and his style of coaching. Yeah, no, look, under Trent was awesome, you know, very intelligent man with footy and knew a lot about, you know, the world with the education sort of base stuff and I learned a lot of just the little things off him, you know, and obviously the footy, it didn't teach me how to, you know, to play footy, just put structures in the place where I could bring the best footy out of myself, you know what I mean, which was good with Trent and then I come over with Wayne and just go mad, like, you know what I mean, go and play your footy, be instinctive and, you know, he really relaxes me with, you know, the role I have to play, but then when he, you know, wants to get something drilled into me, then he'll let me know, you know what I mean, and that's good because he's just upfront and, you know, old school and I like listening to the older fellas because they've lived a longer life obviously and they've got a lot of experiences that I haven't experienced yet and I love listening about it and when it comes around then I can sort of take my bits and pieces out of, you know, what Wayne says and, you know, being under him has been, you know, mad, I can't, you know, it's been good, but the way he does things is, you know, he sits back himself and watches the team and, you know, works people out and I think he's more of a people person first before he's a coach, you know, which is good because he likes, you know, making good men, you know, and that's his role, is to make better men than better footy players, you know what I mean, if you're a better man off field then, you know, you're going to be a better footy player and that's how I've sort of, you know, worked it out with, you know, the older fellas and the coaches and, you know, if you haven't got good people in your team, then, you know, no one wants to play with them fellas so I think for Wayne, you know, everyone wants to play with him, I think opposite teams want to play for Wayne Bennett in there, you know, and he's coaching us, which is amazing and that's just the effect he has on people and on the game, he's a legend in his own right and honestly I hope he coaches for the next 10 years because I don't think I'd go anywhere. Now obviously it was a testing start of the year for you with the changing clubs and the COVID and the media hysteria and all that bullshit, what was it like, what were some of the things Wayne was saying to you at that time because it looks like, you know, batten down the hatches and Wayne kind of has a plan?
Well he's just backed me, you know, and that's what I want people to do, I just want them to you know, to back my ability because I know I do, I back myself 100% you know, for people to just sort of go away from that because I did it, you know, club swap, you know, like I said, it was just, wasn't anything personal about that, you know, the Roosters know I love them, you know, they gave me more opportunity but like I said, I couldn't play fullback at the Roosters because it's a disco, you know, that's just the way it is, it is business, you know, if he's playing his best footy at the Roosters then I don't see me trying to have a crack and challenge him and compete, you know, because I'm not like that, I just want to go and play footy and enjoy myself, I'm not about the serious life, I just want to win games with the boys, have fun and have a beer after, you know, I mean, that's what it's been like and that's why I think it's been crazy out of rabbit eyes with winning games and sitting there and having a beer with the boys and having a yarn, that's what I love, you know, it makes me feel like I'm in the country, you know what I mean? Bush footy, bush league! Thanks for joining us today, Luttrell, it's been great to have a yarn, all the best for you guys for the rest of the season, I mean, you've got Para this weekend, we'll be releasing this Monday after the match, so, you know, all the best there, as it currently stands, because it's been five in a row, your boys have been ripping. Yeah, nah, we'll be right boys, thanks for having me, I'm pretty excited for the next couple of rounds so, you know, stay tuned, so, be good.
Now just give a plug, what's this hat you're wearing? It's Winmire, that's my brand, I'm starting up a cattle business with my old boy and that's why I bought my block and never really jumped, you know, had any thought into having some clothes and that, but I thought I'd make a few hats and they've been going off so, you know, I've been out of stock every time they come in so, it's crazy how people just want, you know? Thanks for having me boys, I appreciate it, I couldn't see you as well.
All the best, it's good to hear you got out of the dairy game. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was the best option I got.
See you mate. See you boys. |
Fitzthistlewits | golden_joystick_awards_campaign_video | Ah, the Golden Joystick YouTube Gamer Award. It's a reward so prestigious and exclusive that most people don't even realise it exists. Now, I imagine if you're watching this, and I assume you are, you're probably thinking about voting for the Yogscast.
I mean, even I am, and I hate them. But did you know that Simon Lane and Lewis Brindley hate children? Yeah, at Minecon 2011, according to Notch, the Yogscast repeatedly insulted people, talked behind their backs, refused to cooperate, and worst of all, F-bombed kids. We all know what that's a euphemism for.
The Yogscast, of course, denied these claims, but what do you think? Does this look like the face of a liar? Of a corpulent Swedish charlatan? I don't think so either.
On top of that, the Yogscast are tryhards, uploading two, three videos a day to an audience of six million. When they're not entertaining their viewers, they're interacting with them and giving money to charity, like the do-gooder squares that they are.
Fitz Thislewitz, on the other hand, hasn't made a video in three months, and hasn't made a good video in over a year. He's an everyman who ignores his audience due to crippling social anxiety, and if he were ever forced to publicly accept an award, well, he might even have a nervous breakdown, similar to King Kong, at the end of King Kong. Imagine how interesting that would be to watch, live. A vote for Fitz Thislewitz is a vote against the tyranny of the Yogscast, who already won it last year.
And what did they do with the award? Probably melted it down and gave the gold to Africa or some shit, knowing they're the ungrateful nerds.
Also, I'm pretty sure Lewis is a smack addict. Yeah. I mean, don't quote me on that, but there's no smoke without fire. Literally, in his case. And don't vote for these other guys. Who the fuck are they? I'm Fitz Thislewitz, and I approve this message. Also, if I don't win, I'm going to kill myself. |
TheOnion | Israel_Unveils_New_Defense_System_To_Deflect_Accusations_Of_Human_Rights_Violations | A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020. The nation's gratuitously sexual couples announced plans to wait in line at six flags. And a local grandpa looks absolutely precious in his new baseball cap. Offering a one-stop shop for all your peerless online news summary needs, this is The Onion Week in Review. In response to the escalating violence and rising death toll in Gaza this week, Israel unveiled a new defense system to deflect accusations of human rights violations. Israeli officials praised the new safety structure's ability to intercept an international barrage of war crime allegations and divert criticisms of Palestinian civilian casualties before they can ever hope to make contact with the Jewish state.
This week, a new study released by Duke University concluded that only 5 percent of Americans have the correct amount of pride in their country. Researchers found that most Americans outside this population fell into one of two extremes. Those individuals compelled by an inordinate amount of love for their country to adhere bumper stickers to their cars or get a Stars and Stripes tattoo, and those whose respect for the country is so low they fail to even attend a cookout or otherwise celebrate on the 4th of July. Our findings suggest that only a tiny fraction of Americans hold the belief that they are part of a moderately prosperous nation that affords them many opportunities while simultaneously wronging peoples both home and abroad. Notably, we found that all Americans who possess the correct amount of patriotic pride also own a pair of star-spangled pants.
A new study released this week revealed that the average heart attack victim doesn't clutch at his or her chest nearly dramatically enough after detecting chest pain. Doctors from Johns Hopkins University spoke to reporters about the risks of not reacting melodramatically enough. If you're having a heart attack, don't just sit down and breathe calmly while a bystander dials 911.
Is there anyone within reaching distance whose shirt or lapel you could desperately grip while slowly sinking to your knees? Is there a fully set table that you can careen into? Every second counts. And in this week's sports news, a rape investigation finds a star college quarterback has got the goods. In other news, a new state law requires doctors to scale an 18-foot wall surrounding abortion clinics. A study finds high school students retain only one-third of their obsolete curriculum over the summer. And a man's anxiety is not about to let depression muscle in on its turf. The likelihood that intelligent extraterrestrial life exists is overwhelming, and so I beseech my alien brethren, please, wise ones, bring me to your planet, for my capacity for wonder has been exhausted on this barren land. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
SaturdayNightLive | a_christmas_carol_snl | I want to be a better man. I want to live. I'm alone. I'm alive. I can't believe that I'm alive. Thank you, Spirits. thank you for showing me the way. I'm as light as a feather. I'm as merry as a schoolboy. I'm as giddy as a drunken man.
And I will change. I swear to you, and I will change. I just hope it's not too late.
You, lad! yes, you boy. Tell me, what day is today? Why, it's Christmas Day, Sir. Christmas? then I haven't missed it. the spirits did it all in one night. my dear boy, do you know the prize goose in the window down the street? the one as big as me? that's the one.
Go and buy it so the tiny Tim and his family might have a Christmas feast. But what should I buy it with, sir? I'm so poor. Why with this, of course? Why? why didn't you catch a. are you all blaming me? Then here, ok? please take this for your medical bills.
What's this? crazy old man is whipping toys into the eyes of orphans. I didn't notice an orphan. Oh, yeah, like I look like I have living parents. Hey, Scrooge. just thought I'd check in on you and see how you. Oh, my God! Arrest that man. he's blinding children for sport. hang on. He's always been a cruel old man. he hates us orphans. Let me guess. you're tossed the coin way up in the air, right? that's a classic mistake. what you want to do is toss the coin straight down. Now watch this. what are you doing? I couldn't see what happened. here, kid. put some ice on it. that was him. Yeah, they can't see me because I'm a ghost, so you look like a total psychopath now. Is it true, Mr. Scrooge? are you blinding children for fun?
Of course not, Tiny Tim. I'm a changed man, I tell you. Now, take this money to fix your legs. I'll just throw it on the ground right there, and you can pick it up, Ok? Scrooge just threw Tiny Tim into a sewer. My advice was to be nicer to people, but my new advice is to lawyer up. it's fine. I can take care of this. let's everyone keep quiet about this whole incident, shall we? and I'll make it worth your while. he stopped yelling and throwing shiny objects. you're going to spoof the Holocaust. Ok.
Well, we've all learned a lot today, haven't we? But the most important lesson is. Merry Christmas! |
TheOnion | Media_Company_Lays_Off_Dozens_Of_Unskilled_Bloggers | A dad delivers his State of the Union rebuttal directly into the television screen. A new program provides Americans with suicide prevention dogs, and the Surgeon General advises being 19 years old with 100 bucks in your pocket and your whole life in front of you. Nothing you do or say will ever reach the lofty heights attained by the following news summary. This is The Onion we can review.
Facing increased market pressure and a shrinking bottom line, media company Star Trove was forced to lay off dozens of unskilled bloggers this week. Sources confirmed that before being dismissed, many of the bloggers had been with the company for months, regularly performing menial tasks such as describing celebrity outfits and composing quizzes about Disney characters. I mean, I've been with this company for almost a year. It wasn't the most rewarding job and I didn't have health insurance, but it paid the bills. I'm already 25 years old. I just don't know where to go from here.
This week, panic and fear fell upon America as millions reported inexplicably losing consciousness for eight consecutive hours over the course of the night. As news of the alarming phenomenon spread, stocks plummeted and businesses shuddered, with Americans across the country struggling to find a way to stave off the mysterious coma-like state. The last thing I remember, I was sitting on my couch reading and then all of a sudden it's morning again and there's this crust all in my eyes and I had no idea where the last eight hours went. At this time, we urge people to never turn off their lights and under no circumstances close their eyes for any extended period of...oh God.
As each successive bite brought him closer to his feared conclusion, increasingly anxious man Dylan Hawkes told reporters this week that he still had yet to come across even the slightest trace of guacamole in his burrito. Noting that he absolutely remembered ordering it, Hawkes reported mounting concerns that the burrito's makers may have forgotten the guacamole or even intentionally left it out. The thing is, I don't think there's any guacamole in here. I think I wouldn't know if there was. If you had a burrito and it was missing cheese, you might not notice it because there's sour cream, but guacamole is completely different. I just don't know how I wouldn't have tasted it by now.
Sources confirm that at 1.10pm, Hawkes had hit the mother lode. And in this week's sports news, Wes Welker is tragically crushed to death by a tipped over microphone. In other news, a six-day visit to a rural African village completely changes a woman's Facebook profile picture. A new dating website helps plus-sized Jewish plane crash survivors find love.
And a kid figures he'll go down the slide 36 more times and then call it a day. This video review is now over, so get out of here. Go on, leave now before we change our minds. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
cracked | when_skinny_dipping_gets_awkward | How awesome is this an entire week out of the city? I'm just happy to be out of the office in this place that lake is beautiful It's perfect for Skinny dipping Get a couple of drinks in me who knows Jesus I was kidding. Whoa, how run let's go you guys Live in the mail.
It's now o'clock actually It's noon and we're sober and that park ranger is watching us He doesn't mind come on Skinny dipping is the kind of thing everybody's got to do in their life at least once no it isn't It's a thing you do when you're young and desperate to get naked with girls. Yeah I don't need the weird pretense of youthful skinny dipping. I can get naked with girls whenever I want now I mean if I get naked with a girl and three of my buddies in a dirty lake that actually hurts my goal also There are no girls here. I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over the sound of me seizing the day How do you keep getting naked so quickly? See a man knows what's up I'm gonna go Don't go ah good riddance boys club You've completely lost sight of the reason why you're supposed to want to go skinny dipping And how would you not cold right now? Oh, it's always plenty warm over here in the moment Come on in guys the moments fine. It's it's weirder right that he's just standing here naked at us It's weirder than than just skinny dipping right listen No, man on his deathbed ever looked back fondly on the trips He didn't take the adventures. He didn't experience the life He failed to live when you look back on this vacation in ten years. You want to be filled with a regret Or do you want to stand proud and say triumphantly? I skinny dipped with my best friends and the buddy from work and thereby touched greatness I Don't know why we did this.
Yeah, sorry How did you get your job? Hey guys Brendan here just reminding you to subscribe to the crack channel and everything hey I started just like you you know but now I get to be an actor I get to edit some videos I get to Walk the guys dogs. I get to do laundry I get to um I Get to be called the third Katie a lot um I get to have my blood transfused completely for a joke So yeah, I get to do Brad what the fuck are you doing Brendan? Yeah, get out of my chair Sorry Hey there subscribe Sword what the fuck are you doing? It's Brendan actually get out get out. I don't care who you are Hey, thanks. I'm sorry subscribe Brendan |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Film_Standard_Shazam_Fury_Of_The_Gods | I just threw a truck at a dragon. I love my life.
This is Peter Rosenthal, Head Film Critic for The Onion. Today, I'll be discussing Shazam! Fury of the Gods, the latest film in the DC Cinematic Universe, and one that, in my opinion, anyone should be able to go see by themselves without being called a weird loser or pedophiled by a really shitty group of teenagers in the theater. Fury of the Gods continues the story of teenager Billy Batson, who, upon saying the magic word SHAZAM!, can transform into his adult superhero alter ego. It's a lighthearted and unpretentious good-against-evil story that every film-goer, young or old, ought to be able to watch without a gang of delinquents laughing at them the whole time and calling them a sad old child molester just because they're there alone in the middle of the day. Directed with a wry touch by David Sandberg, Shazam! is a welcome break from the more self-serious superhero fare swamping the market, bursting with whimsical humor that will surely appeal to both young fans and seasoned critics who are just at a matinee screening to do their goddamn job.
Though I bet most of it went way over the heads of those little shits sitting in the back row who'd rather focus on pelting me with M&Ms. Admittedly, I did find the film's subplot about Billy's attempts to keep his foster family from drifting apart slightly ham-fisted. But then again, it was difficult to focus while I was being called a weird cryptkeeper-looking bitch and getting told to stop beating my man-meat by four or five high school bullies sitting two rows behind me. For the record, I was trying to quietly open the packet of Raisinets in my lap, you perverted little mouth breathers. Not touching my junk. Throw the fuck up. The always formidable Helen Mirren joins the film as the villainous Hespera, one of the three daughters of Atlas, delivering a performance full of seething disdain for the film's younger protagonists. A hatred I'm sure any moviegoer who just wanted to enjoy a bit of cinematic escapism and peace would totally get. I sure as hell did. However, it was the second act of the film that delivered its most harrowing and profound moments as I spent the majority of it in the bathroom, sobbing after those assholes dumped a full cup of blue raspberry icee on my head. God, why are kids so mean? With its pulse-pounding action scenes and crisp visual effects, the film is ultimately one that's tailor-made to be seen on the big screen, preferably at a theater where the employees take the threats against you seriously and protect you from a gang of brats who have no respect for their elders or the art of cinema, which is not the AMC theater on Clyburn, that's for sure. And while Shazam! Fury of the Gods isn't a groundbreaking film by any measure, it does accomplish what it set out to do by showing us that children can be capable of anything, including acting like unrepentant monsters to innocent people. For The Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | all_nighter_09_devil_sticks | That was a great sporting event tonight. Yeah, I think they're going all the way this year, Oz.
Hey guys, I was cleaning out my closet and I found my Devil Sticks. Oh dude, I used to rock at these things. Check it.
Raz-ma-taz.
And the Dipsy-doodle. Who has Master Man Sticks?
Me, I guess. Surely you must be the most vicious warrior of the land! Oh my god. Are you ready to ride with me on my horse of flames as we dress the streets with blood and take every virgin we see in this diamond shield? You know what? I am. Hold on, hold on.
You're telling me because Pat is good with a toy, he's the heir to your throne? You insolent fool, you think I would lend my evil name to a mere toy? This was my most diabolical test to find the evil warrior that shall master the Dipsy-doodle and sit on my throne of lies!
Hey, what's going on here? Nothing.
I rock at Devil Sticks, now me and Satan are going to destroy innocents. It's pretty cool, actually. You know you don't have to go with them just because you're good at Devil Sticks. No, you know what? I always thought it was the center of some satanic prophecy, to be honest.
I was just kind of embarrassed to admit it. Please dazzle us more with your Dipsy-doodle! Abandon hope all ye who feast their eyes upon this wicked display of damn it horror! I'm sorry, those are really lame. Silence, you fool! Prince, hand me my sticks that I may show these peasants the face of true misery! Coward! Treble with fear! It's okay, I guess. Shh! I can't concentrate! So show me how to Dipsy-doodle.
Oh, yeah. The trick is you need to get like momentum on it. Right. You're basically like, feel it out. You feel it out, you know? When the moment comes, when the moment comes. Am I feeling it in my hands or... Whoa. |
TheOnion | NFL_Concludes_Ex_Players_Taking_Their_Own_Lives_Because_They_Miss_Football_So_Much | The NFL has finally responded to the controversy over brain damage in professional football. After a string of tragic suicides by former players, the league issued a report this week concluding that ex-players are most likely taking their own lives because they miss football so much. Now no longer denying a link, Commissioner Roger Goodell said, The health and safety of our players and ex-players is our number one priority. We now know that being away from the slam-bang action and explosive thrills of the NFL is enough to drive any man crazy. Doctors from the NFL's Head, Neck and Spine Committee study the brains of deceased former players like Dave Duerson and Junior Seau. These players had several symptoms in common before their suicides. Mood disorders, depression, emotional troubles. You'd be sad too just sitting there watching all your friends play football without you. While many medical professionals believed there was a connection between football and a brain disease called CTE, the NFL study maintains that what ex-players are experiencing is merely a bad case of football withdrawal.
The aggressive play and thrilling competition are unparalleled. There are long-term negative consequences to not playing football for an extended period of time. This is the brain scan of a player being tackled. These are the pleasure centers of the brain lighting up. The bottom line is this, football is dangerously exciting.
The league has also started outreach programs to help former players. The new senior league will keep ex-players bashing and crashing into old age. In order to keep our current players healthy, we will be extending the regular season schedule through February, March and April so that athletes won't have to wait a long off-season without full-contact, bone-crushing thrills. And when asked about the best way to honor the ex-players who have recently committed suicide, Goodell told the press, In their memory, we encourage you to never miss a second of the action with Terry, Howie, Jimmy and the gang on Fox NFL Sundays, or on NBC where Bob Costas, Dan Patrick and Heinz Ward make Sunday Night Football Night in America. Goodell continued, The league has also donated a Doritos Locos body-crunching hit statue outside Qualcomm Stadium in honor of Junior Seau. Next up, the city of Chicago rolls out a brand new beef sharing program. |
SaturdayNightLive | lisa_from_temecula_wedding_snl | Oh, my gosh, this wedding has been unreal. Nadine is such a beautiful bride. Chandler is one lucky guy. he sure is. Hey, Shana, by the way, I know it's probably tough coming to a wedding today after a breakup, but I think it's so sweet that your baby sister, Lisa, came all the way here to be your date. Lisa, it's so nice to meet you.
Yeah, that's cute, but my box is closed tonight. I'm sorry, what? Kelly, girl, pay no mind to my sister. she's such a jokester.
All right, ma'am, this is all the dressing we could find in the kitchen. Now, why is this ranch black? it's balsamic. Hm, balsamic.
Well, Lisa, you really like your dressing, huh? yeah, everyone else is just eating the salad I served. yeah, and everyone else is about to be sick, not me. Toss my salad. you know, the more dressing you put on it, the less likely you are to get E. Coli. I need to stay healthy.
I got to be in court in the morning. Oh, you're a lawyer. Yeah, she surely is.
Lisa is the lead litigator on a class action suit against a built-a-bear. Mm-hmm. they gave a bunch of built-a-bears to some bald kids, and I ain't got to tell you what happened next. Wow, that sounds like really important work. I bet those families are grateful for your help.
Sis, switch me seats. your little lesbian friend is doing it the most, trying to get the box tonight. it ain't happening, boo. I'm sorry, do I come off flirting? Because I'm not. No, Kelly, you're fine. Lisa, can you please chill?
All right, yeah, whatever. I'm going to just sit back, relax, and fix this salad, Ok? Now, hold on. uh-uh, uh-uh. Now, who thought this was a good idea? Raw salmon. Well, it's smoked. smoked? pink as it is, look like a fruit roll-up. uh-uh. hook my meat. I'm going to mix this all up for all of us, yeah? Ok, uh-uh.
Well, anyways, I have to tell you guys about this embarrassing date I went on. that must be me and this salad. So this kid got a knife, saw a movie, and ended up back at my place. Now, why that man ain't just give me ranch? as soon as we walk in, a mouse runs across my car. Since you got any ranch on you, Lisa, just eat. can you please just eat? But I need ranch. everybody know lettuce is nasty without ranch.
So, um, now I'm worried that he's on the mouse, but, uh, then he's like, not late. small, what a gentleman. smart man. come on, sis. what happens to us just chilling? I am chilling. I'm chilling. I'm minding business. You know, this salad's going to be all right, but I'm going to need it to be Boston.
Lisa. Lisa, she is trying to tell a damn story. Yeah, no, I heard the girl. she said her house is dirty. Lisa.
Ok, all right. Lisa, can you please just Not get up and be like, I need the leverage. I need the leverage. I don't need, I don't need, I just need to take you.
What, what, Shaina? I heard the girl calling San Diego over here trying to get the box while she got ratatouille as her roommate. what is going on over here? a piece of salmon at my mother. See, y'all see, this whole wedding is a mess. people getting hit with salmon, and they put raw salmon in my salad. is she saying salmon? Well, thank you for coming to this, but this table is ruining our special day. Oh, because we gay. Oh, no. we're right in the middle of our first dance. well, then why are you over here talking to me? Dance, bitch. Now, y'all seeing is right. there's champagne all in the food, vegetables everywhere. that marriage is doomed. Listen, I understand that you don't want to get sick, but this is all kind of your fault. yeah, you've been dressing that salad in a really insane way. hold on, hold on.
I'm not about to let y'all attack my sister, Lisa, who came all the way out here from Temecula to be my date. Now, maybe she the type of sister that you just, you can't take no with.
I know that's right. Oh, my God, Lisa. maybe she's such a bad listener. it makes you wonder, is this what they're holding here in? Now, what you say, I know that's right. But when it's all said and done, it's my blood right here.
And she better not have one dry leaf in that damn bowl. Toss my salad. y'all done pissed me off. I lost my appetite. I'm leaving. where is she from again?
Temecula.
Hey, Shana, by the way, I know it's probably tough coming to a wedding today's after a breakup, but I think it's so sweet that your baby sister, Lisa, came all the way here to be your date. Lisa, it's so nice to meet you. yeah, that's cute, but my box is closed tonight. I'm sorry, what? Kelly, girl, pay no mind to my sister. she's such a jokester.
All right, ma'am, this is all the dressing we could find in the kitchen. Now, why is this ranch black? it's balsamic. Hm, balsamic.
Lisa, you really like your dressing, huh? yeah, everyone else is just eating the salad I served. Yeah, and everyone else is about to be sick, not me. Toss my salad. the more dressing you put on it, the less likely you are to get E.coli. I need to stay healthy.
I got to be in court in the morning. Oh, you're a lawyer. Yeah, she surely is. Lisa is the lead litigator on a class action suit against a built-a-bear. Mm-hmm. they gave a bunch of built-a-bears to some bald kids, and I ain't got to tell you what happened next. Wow, that sounds like really important work.
I bet those families are grateful for your help. sis, switch me seats. your little lesbian friend is doing it the most, trying to get the box tonight. it ain't happening, boo. I'm sorry, do I come off flirting? Because I'm not. No, Kelly, you're fine. Lisa, can you please chill?
All right, yeah, whatever. I'm going to just sit back, relax, and fix this salad, Ok? Now, hold on. uh-uh, uh-uh. Now, who thought this was a good idea? Raw salmon. Well, it's smoked. smoked? pink as it is, look like a fruit roll-up. uh-uh. Cook my meat. I'm going to mix this all up for all of us, yeah? Ok, uh-uh.
Well, anyways, I have to tell you guys about this embarrassing date I went on. that must be me and this salad. So this kid got an eye, saw a movie, and ended up back at my place. Now, why that man ain't just give me ranch? as soon as we walk in, a mouse runs across my car. Since you got any ranch on you, Lisa, just eat. can you please just eat? But I need ranch. everybody know lettuce is nasty without ranch. So, um, now I'm worried that he's on the mouse, but, uh, then he's like, lovely.
Oh, what a gentleman. smart man. come on, sis. what happens to us just chilling? I am chilling. I'm chilling. I'm minding what? I'm chilling. I'm minding my business.
You know, this salad's going to be all right, but I'm going to need it to be Boston. Lisa. Lisa, she is trying to turn a damn store. Yeah, no, I heard the girl. she said her house is dirty. Lisa. Ok, all right. Lisa, can you please just not get up and get that ranch?
I need the leverage. I don't need, I don't need, I don't need, I don't need.
What, What, Shaina? I heard the girl, calling San Diego over here, trying to get the box while she got ratatouille as her roommate. what is going on over here? a piece of salmon at my mother. See, y'all see, this whole wedding is a mess. people getting hit with salmon, and they put raw salmon in my salad. is she saying salmon? Well, thank you for coming to this, but this table is ruining our special day. Oh, because we gay. Oh, yeah. we're right in the middle of our first dance. Well, then why are you over here talking to me, dance, bitch? Now, y'all seeing this, right, there's champagne all in the food, vegetables everywhere, that marriage is doomed.
Listen, I understand that you don't want to get sick, but this is all kind of your fault. Yeah, you've been dressing that salad in a really insane way. hold on, hold on. I'm not about to let y'all attack my sister, Lisa, who came all the way out here from Temecula to be my date. Now, maybe she's the type of sister that you just, you can't take nowhere.
Oh, no, that's right. Oh, my God, Lisa, maybe she's such a bad listener, it makes you wonder, if this would be hard to hear it. Now, what you say? I know that's right. But when it's all said and done, this is my blood right here.
And she better not have one dry leaf in that damn bowl. Toss my salad. God, I'm pissing me off. I lost my appetite, I'm leaving. where is she from again?
Temecula. Ooh. ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. |
cracked | creepiest_commercial_for_the_most_amazing_product_cracked_responds | Hey guys, have you guys seen this commercial? It's for a universal translator. Oh, cool. I'm going to try and kiss girls I've never met before using this translation device, IDI. All right, let's go and do this. It's like the quickest way to make something amazing, like this is a pretty breakthrough technology. Yeah, it's amazing. And he's just like, I'm going to harass women with it. It's less amazing. Hello. I know this is sudden, but can I try and kiss you? This might be the fastest a piece of technology has turned on us. I can go and Google translate and find out how to say, hey, kiss me please. Yeah.
He doesn't say please though. It's very normal in the UK. He says this is normal in the UK and she's like, no, get the **** away from me. He's chasing the woman.
Hey, just one kiss. Just one kiss.
He didn't even translate anything to her. She just ran. I just wanted to take... She says no and he grabs her arm. Yeah. She does not want this. No. He is tricking her.
I have something amazing. I can speak Japanese.
I like how he goes up to the most and I'm like, no. And then he's like, no, no, but it's cool and they're like, oh, kind of cool. Like, lures them in. I want to try to kiss with you. And then he's like, I'm going to kiss you. It's like a troll.
You're like, ah. Yeah, check out the thing. Come on, come on, come on. I should thank your parents for making such a beautiful girl on this earth. Do you understand?
This girl is like body language, clearly saying no. She's like covering herself. And I want to try and kiss a beautiful lady like you. Like hovering over her. Hover over her.
The shot is like super like... It just makes me really uncomfortable.
Yeah? No. Can we try? No.
And she brought out her phone as the universal symbol for please leave me alone. You don't need a translator for that.
Maybe. Just a little bit. And he's like, just a little bit. Just a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Let's try, let's try. Okay. Just a little bit.
Don't worry about it. No one's watching. Isn't like a great... Because that's what she was worried about. Like she's like, I would kiss you if nobody was watching.
Right. And like, I want the product. It's cool. For other stuff. I don't know what now. This has completely jaded me. I wish this wasn't the first thing I saw about it. I don't think he needs this technology. It seems like this guy was going to do this anyway. Right. I feel like he, like his general vibe is creepy.
So he could just walk up to these women and say it in English. Yeah, no matter the language. And they would know. And they would know, yeah.
Whatever you're saying, my answer is no. It's like if you invented a camera and you're like, hey, I could take dick pics with this. And send them to strangers.
That's... And that's the first thing. The first thing we'll tell people.
I feel like the marketing people for this were like the freck where it was like, oh, in Shark Tank that you went from college. And you're like, no, these guys should not do things. Right. They're demographic. And they did. It's just people who read the game. And they make prank videos.
Yeah, I think Tucker Mack is actually in front of us. Tucker Mack.
Oh, yeah. In the process of making this, did anybody say, this is a bad idea. Like from the pitch. Were there other pitches? I want to hear what the other pitches were. Like somebody was like, oh, what about Taurus getting lost? Nope, that doesn't happen. But you want to pick up girls. Right. I want to know what the outtakes were too. Like what the editor chose not to use because it's too terrible. Oh, wow. Yeah.
She says no. He grabs her arm. And she's like, no. And she runs away.
That made the cut. I don't want to live in a world where they cut footage out of this. I want to see him getting stopped by a cop and then having to translate his way out of it. No, that's a good one. Maybe it's a series of advertisements where he gets detained and then he has to go to court all using this translator.
And then he tries to kiss the judge. And he's like, can I kiss you?
It's OK. It's how we get out of things in the UK. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_arby_s_manager_arrested_82_year_old_college_graduate_snl | Paramount Plus announced they are making a new Yellowstone prequel series that will star Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren. the 79-year-old Ford will play a wealthy ranch owner, while the 76-year-old Mirren will play his grandmother. a new report shows that the state with the highest obesity rate in the country is Mississippi. it's gotten so bad, doctors had to remove its foot. and a tendon on a Frontier Airlines flight helped deliver a passenger's baby while heading to Florida. because on Frontier, it's not even worth asking if anyone on board is a doctor.
Queen Elizabeth made a surprise public appearance this week at the opening of a new train line in London after Prince Charles tied her to the tracks. it's not real. a painting by Pablo Picasso portraying his lover as a sea creature was sold at auction for $67 million. it's a beautiful, abstract expression of his love and admiration that he named titty Squid. there are a growing number of nuns who are joining Tiktok to show what life in a convent is really like. because when the Catholic church tries to connect with young people, it always goes well.
Well, this will get you back to school district. in Florida, it's investigating a picture posted online of students spelling out the N-word. it's a shocking instance of Florida students being able to spell. a manager of an Arby's in Washington is a terrible transition. a manager of an Arby's in Washington has been arrested for distributing child porn. if convicted, he could face up to 20 years as a manager at Subway. the man also told police that he urinated in milkshakes For his own sexual gratification. authorities became suspicious when they noticed the milkshakes tasted better.
Arby, we have the pee-pee shakes. a California hiker who was attacked by a mountain lion said that her dog saved her life by jumping to her defense. because after the dog, the mountain lion was way too full to eat anything else. it's not real. a British woman discovered when she got pregnant that she had a second tiny vagina. uh, yeah, duh-bud.
Graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday. apparently it took her so long because she's very, very dumb.
Graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday, but I heard they only passed her because her roommate died. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_devon_walker_and_punkie_johnson_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Chey. thank you so much. Good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Chey. I'm Colin Jost.
Well, guys, it's 2024, but is it? I don't know about you, but when I think of the year 2020, I never think, we should run that one back.
And if you're feeling confused, you're not the only one. at a rally on Thursday, President Biden said he was mixed up when he claimed he had just taken a photo with a woman who wasn't even there. Then, the next day, Donald Trump repeatedly confused Nikki Haley with Nancy Pelosi. Guys, I don't know if we should do this election. it's honestly starting to feel like elder abuse. And I don't even blame them. I blame us for allowing it. it reminds me of those bum fight videos where they made two homeless guys fight for money. And now we look back on it and we're like, how did we as a society let that happen? So I think the best solution is we should just tell Trump and Biden that they both won and that we're very proud of them and that they can rest now. In Monday's Iowa Caucuses, Ron Desantis beat out Nikki Haley for second place.
Well, that ought to put whatever this is on his face. South Carolina senator Tim Scott, who looks like someone Drew Ving Rhames with their eyes closed, endorsed Donald Trump. But remember, most Trump supporters only count him as three-fifths of an endorsement. Oh boy. Donald Trump urged his supporters to brave the sub-zero temperatures in Iowa to vote for him, saying, even if you vote and then pass away, it's worth it. voting for Trump and then passing away is also what happened with Covid. After Trump was photographed with some strange red marks on his hand, some dermatologists speculated it could be something called hand herpes. what the hell is hand herpes, said Tim Scott.
John Kerry announced that he is stepping down as the U.s. Climate Envoy and is expected to focus on President Biden's reelection campaign. And it's not a great sign that Biden's campaign is a bigger emergency than climate change. In an interview on Fox News, Presidential candidate Nikki Haley said that America has, quote, never been a racist country because if Americans were so racist, why do they have sex with their slaves?
I'm gonna sleep like a baby tonight. I really am.
Donald Trump posted an image of Nikki Haley made up to look like Hillary Clinton. And honestly, I couldn't tell if it was bad photoshop or a good picture of Mark Cuban in a wig.
Pope Francis called for a ban on surrogate motherhood, which he says violates the dignity of the woman and the child. Plus, the Catholic church doesn't want extra kids around while they're trying to quit.
New Hampshire, South Carolina. Senator Tim Scott surprised many political experts by endorsing Donald Trump. Here to explain his endorsement is Senator Tim Scott. I'd like to be here, Michael and Doug, right to endorse the next President of these United States, Donald J. Trump.
Wow, you have a very unique voice, Senator. I know. My voice is like if Bill Clinton was actually black. I sound like the Princess and the Frog. I sound like if Forrest Gump was doing an impression of Ja Rule.
What would I be without my baby? Well, a lot of folks were surprised that you, of all people, endorse Donald Trump. Why? Because I'm Black. that's very misguided, Michael.
I don't see color. I'm serious. when I looked at all the people at Trump's rally, I did not see a single color.
No, it's surprising because you turned on Nikki Haley. I mean, she appointed you to be Senator, and now you're endorsing her rival? Listen, Michael, Nikki and I will always be close friends, But Nikki, or as Mr. Trump told me to call her, Nimrada, Hussein Haley, she may not even be from South Carolina, or even America.
Senator, you know that's not true. those are just racist dog whistles. Michael, that is Not a racist dog whistle. this is. What is that noise?
What do you say to people who think Trump is only using you to win the black votes? Look, that is impossible because Black people do not like me, All right? One time I said the n word at the barbershop, and everybody went, whoa, whoa, whoa! So when Mr. Trump asked me to campaign for him in inner cities like Detroit and Philadelphia, I said, how about we start in New Hampshire?
Now, those are my people. Well, now there's speculation about your political future. if Trump picks you to be his running mate, would you do it? Absolutely. I would be honored. really? even though he told a mob to hang his last Vice President. he did. What Now? Senator Tim Scott, everybody. give your answer to the white one again.
A new report finds that the average 50-year-old in America is worth over $1 million, while the average 30-year-old is worth more Dead Than Alive. Elton John won an Emmy for his farewell concert special, earning him a coveted Egot, which is an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony.
A new startup company is developing a male contraceptive that involves one injection that will prevent pregnancy for 10 years, so get ready for an exciting future of taking the man's word for it. Did he like that joke? Good joke.
A Volvo crashed through the front of a Whole Foods in a Maryland suburb. it was an accident so white that everyone's insurance went down. a passenger on Spirit Airlines was arrested after he repeatedly asked female flight attendants to join the Mile High club, even though Spirit's airplanes can't get above 300 feet. Tesla owners are complaining that during the sub-zero temperatures that swept through the country, they couldn't get their cars to charge. But on the plus side, they were able to stay warm in the battery fires. a man on a plane in India who was trapped in the bathroom for the whole flight says the crew slipped him a piece of paper reading, do not panic. then he slipped them a piece of paper back reading, more paper, please.
A new study suggests that men are better than women at using a map, while women are better at sitting silently for the rest of the car ride after you tell them that. a new study of pregnant women finds that vaping does not harm their babies as long as they're very careful shoving the vape up there. My God. that's the study that I'm just. that's a study. that's a real study.
And this was a nice story over the holidays. nearly 20 drivers on the Staten Island Expressway worked together to save a Chihuahua named Bean that had run onto the road. And then the Staten Islanders banded together again to send Bean back to where he came from.
Recently, a video went viral of a defendant attacking a judge in a Las Vegas courthouse. let's have a look. here with more about it is the flying defendant himself, Diobra Redden. Diobra, what compelled you to attack the judge like that? Man, you asking the wrong questions, Che. you should be asking, how? Because there ain't no damn way somebody should be able to attack a judge in her own damn courtroom. how hard is it to catch a grown man flying across the court of law, Man? So you're trying to say this is not your fault? What I'm trying to say is, every single one of them sheriffs needs to be fired. Man, play the clip again, man. Now, if you look closely, I fly at the judge, right? great form, might I add. Now, what y'all don't see is, the Bad Love, he behind me, right? he rubbing his hands on his belly like this, just straight daydreaming. So you know what that mean? what? man, homeboy was thinking about a snack. you know what I'm saying? look, let me break it down, bro. while I fly this way, right? The Bad Love, he run behind me, he fall down. look at him, man. that's terrible. man, put the dunking down, pick up the taser, and do something, man. I was in the effort like four, five, six good seconds. Man, shame on them, man. you know, you do have a point that was crazy. I don't think a judge has ever been attacked in their own courtroom before. exactly, man. it was crazy that I made contact. I was shocked, man. like, why this judge wasn't behind some glass, man? like, how is this my fault?
I was bluffing. I thought I was gonna bounce off some glass. what glass? man, everybody got glass, man. calf drivers got glass. people that work at the movie theater got glass. even Cvs shampoo got some glass, man. Look, as I was running, I thought, man, they for sure gonna be some glass, You feel me? Well, do you feel any remorse? Of course I do, man. I was just trying to shake her up a bit, you know what I'm saying? but when I actually made contact, I was like, damn. now I gotta stand on business, you know what I'm saying? And look, Michael, look at this. can you believe that when they brought me back to court, they put a muzzle on me, man? yeah, probably for everybody's safety. man, I ain't biting nobody. now they just gassing it. I ain't do no mouth stuff. Well, your sister spoke up for you. you said you was having a mental breakdown. Is that true? I believe that may have been the case, yes. You know, mentally, it was a breakdown. But athletically, it was a come-up, man. I superman-o! But I tell you what, now when I go to that court for that appeal, I bet y'all they gonna have some glass. Oh, my gosh, now, ladies and gentlemen, D'obra. they should have had that glass, dog. hey, hey, why? But we did nothing.
I'm Michael K. I'm calling Judge K'night. I'm calling Judge K'night. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Sunshine_Coast_Property_Developer_has_revealed_that_All_The_Aboriginals_He_s_Spoken_To_Are_Votin_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah bulletin my name is Clancy Overall and I've just had a I'm not going to say the name of the brand but I've just had a beer by a company that makes really really strong beers so if I get caught up a little bit you know it's Friday Arvo as we record this I'm with Errol Parker and Effie Bateman how are we all? I'm not too bad today I've also had one of the aforementioned elephant beers and yeah I'm sort of losing my train of thought here. Well I haven't so I can help sear us. Someone's got to get us over the line. What is up first in the news today Effie Bateman?
Well kicking off and the Sunshine Coast property developer has revealed that all the Aboriginals he's spoken to are voting no. Yes Raphael simply has it all a man who made a career out of jacking up property prices in once working class coastal communities says that he can't believe we are still talking about this voice thing. Despite talking about it ad nauseam for weeks Ralph says he's saddened to learn that politicians want to create two classes of Australians. Yes the man who divides his time solely between his Noosaville developers office, his three story family home in Noosa Heads, his mistresses Bungalow and Parichian and his exclusive members only golf club on the river says he actually hasn't spoken to an indigenous person who is voting yes. All the ones he's spoken to are voting no. Good on you Ralph.
Up next and a woman who left church wonders if it was the right choice after learning what scissoring is from a kids book. Yes Batuda Heights woman Gloria Daynes spoke to the advocate about the confronting reality she faced this week. Raised in the church but deciding to leave earlier this year after spending the first 29 years of her life swaying to the beat of the Jesus drum, Gloria said she was fairly shocked when she found the book in her local big W. Yes the new guide to sex book released by Yumi Steins and the former dolly doctor Melissa Kang really rocked our subject of this story actually. Gloria said one of the things that routed her the most was the scissoring part.
What the fuck is that? Do people actually do that? I don't get it. Why does that lady only have one arm? How could she get a good purchase on the bed or the couch or the rug I don't know. Lino floor? Do they put a tarp down?
Do men also scissor? Can you scissor in a way that God approves of?
There are so many questions I have. This book has shown me this smut with no answers. Yes so we had a comment from Harrison the artist who said so interesting seeing the comments in this thread with the amount of people who have their head in the sand. Poor kids have already seen porn for fuck sakes. I wonder if those opposing the book have ever experienced a consensual, reciprocal and safe sex. Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like they would prefer sex to stay in the days of where do I come from? With a man in order to get as close as possible to the woman the best thing he'd do is lie on top of her and put his penis inside of her. Whoever thinks this is a comprehensive education needs their heads and their own sexual experience checked. Gone are the dark days of missionary positions by men on top of women. Meaning how many people will go to the grave with unexplored and boring sex lies.
If you don't like the book don't buy it for your child you bigots. Okay quite a rant there from Harrison the artist. I also saw a funny comment that said oh where I come from we call scissoring lip syncing. Oh no. Jesus. I don't know if you've included that in the book but. No but she did include a short chapter on the art of rimming which I didn't like reading that part. So that's a bridge too far for me Clancy. Yeah look they can call us prudes but you know we don't want to stray from gods a lot too far.
An influencer who refuses to wear fast fashion unaware they snort four square metres of rainforest every weekend. Yes known for her try on hauls and weekly message to Mayoni Montana Jennings has always prided herself on being an ethical consumer and avoiding fast fashion at all costs. That includes regularly hitting out at other influences who dare to be sponsored by sheen. But like many in the media landscape who've forged a career being righteous it appears that Montana has finally flown a little too close to the sun and reached a level of notoriety where all eyes are on her.
As evidenced by a photo of her microwaving a plate covered in some fat white powder. Which has been blasted on the internet. Offering a teary apology Montana said she had no idea about all the deforestation and terrorism and human trafficking stuff that did accompany the suspicious white powder she is refusing to confirm was cocaine. And she just hopes her followers can appreciate that she made one lapse of judgement and definitely won't happen again. She should have just said it was ketamine.
But what about the horsies? They also use it to put down cats.
And lastly Australian retain ashes in most satisfying way possible. As the spirit of cricket is rolling in its grave this week after having the Australian team urinate on the patch of ground it's resting in. After playing the greatest cricket ever seen by humankind over the past few weeks the English were forced to have to come to terms with a draw in the fourth test. That was despite holding a commanding position leading into day 4. However though if you haven't been across it day 4 and 5 were washed out giving Australia the most satisfying non-result ever.
They're the winners and that's the Petuta Advocate Weekly bulletin. Thank you for tuning in. We love you all. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_15_10_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah News Bulletin, live from Baxter Booth Studios here in downtown Batuna the old city district, the date is the 15th of October, you're joined by myself Clancy Overell, editor of the Batutah Advocate, Errol Park is currently away on a sabbatical but we are joined today of course as always by the Richard Moorcroft of the Diamond Tennis Shire Wendell Hussey, how are you Wendell? Very well Clancy, how are you? Good thanks mate, we've got a bit going on in the news this week, a lot of sport off the back of the Grand Final obviously, both Grand Finals moving into the Rugby World Cup, Bathurst over the weekend, how have you been going mate, have you been behaving? I've been behaving, certainly behaving better than the other boys who have been over in Bali having a good time as we'll touch on in this bulletin. Well what's in the news today mate? Well let's get started with some national news Clancy, and there have been a lot of headlines about the Extinction Rebellion, and while it seems as though the protests may have started to calm down a little bit, there are still some people who are very fired up.
We wrote a story about one of those people from our very own town, that was Boomer who claims people can't say anything nowadays, also says protesters should be run over. Yes according to Bruce Abbot Howard, that's his name, prominent local post war retiree, he's no longer as worried about political correctness gone mad as he is about political disobedience gone mad, muddying the waters of political debate by simultaneously being concerned about free speech while also proposing that protesters should be silenced. Bruce is well known in the community for being quite vocal about not being able to say whatever he wants anymore due to these PC police, but at the same time he has made it clear he thinks these climate protesters should be run over by commuters and killed, or locked up at the very least. He did say he was expecting a knock on the door from the PC police after saying that, so we'll touch in with him to see what's happened there. Chris Blanche, another prominent local boomer from around town, has weighed into the debate throwing his weight behind Abbot Howard in a slightly confusing manner, saying he fully agrees with the sentiment of running these protesters over before apologising for the fact that he drank water from the street lights, played with hand sanitiser and shot toy guns at the curfew and it didn't hurt us. Yes, a very confusing sentiment held by the boomers about how things used to be in the good old days before you were allowed to protest and not say anything at the same time.
Before Fortnite as well. In other news of national significance, and slightly less controversial, phone books are now being delivered directly to recycling bins. Yes that's right, in a move applauded by green groups, Yellow Pages has announced plans to deliver its iconic telephone directories directly to the nation's recycling bins. This comes after studies have shown that usage of the once indispensable directories have fallen sharply with the advent of the internet, and the aftermath of several police royal commissions. Yeah it'll be interesting to see what happens there, I know a lot of people were angry after the plastic bag ban, they haven't been able to line their bins with anything, so we'll keep an eye and see if anyone can light fires next winter with newspapers instead. And speaking of great initiatives, there's another one set to be introduced across the state.
Speed cameras to be fitted with Instagram filters to appeal to younger demographic. Yes in a bid to help young drivers keep off their phones while driving, while also encouraging the youth to engage in the Australian pastime of driving too fast and subsequently raising revenue for the state government, the feds have today announced plans to outfit all speed and red light cameras with Instagram filters.
Project Orange Duck as it's known, will be expected to cost the taxpayer $174 million and will begin in February of 2020 with a completion date of June 2024 depending on who the contractors are behind this new infrastructure project. Could very well be the Spanish, in which case they might fuck off with the money.
In some entertainment news now, and film snob accidentally enjoys the Joker after downloading pirated version dubbed in French. Yes this film has left critics divided around the world, but it has been given some glowing praise from a local film buff, the woman says there's a massive difference between films and movies, and confirmed that the Joker is actually more of a film, after watching the whole thing in francais. Is that how you say it? Francais? I couldn't tell you Clancy, it sounds about right. In French. Candice, a young privately educated white feminist who was inspired by Lena Dunham to get into film and screenplay writing, says obviously she agrees with every criticism of the Joker as well, like especially the opinion pieces that criticise the film for being problematic, but despite all of that, she thinks it was really well done, obviously still under the impression that it was a French film.
Now sports news and the wait is finally over. The NRL off season has officially kicked off with 300 haymakers outside a Balinese nightclub. Yes, big nars. Following up from last year's biggest ever off season, of all time arguably, this year has finally kicked off in spectacular fashion, in an event that can only be described as quintessentially rugby league, video has emerged of a storm player, Nelson Asofa Soleimana in Bali going ballistic out front of a nightclub, while a small army of security guards try and subdue the big fella. Was very impressive. Now Alex Burns, a local from Matuda who was actually at the front of that venue at the time, told us he managed to grab a quote from the player after the kick off and it went as follows. Yeah, look mate, we had a great pre-season during the 2019 NRL warm ups and physically I couldn't feel any better and I'm just feeling primed for a massive season, but as we all know, the real stuff starts now and it's always great and important to get some points on the board early, so I'm glad that I could do that and hopefully the boys can kick on from here and we can make it our biggest season yet. I think the fans deserve that. Well we know the fans love off season and yeah, off to a good start, good to see the boys keeping fit as well. Now what else in sporting news Wendell?
Well in other Egg Ball news now, the Japanese rugby side transformed into Super Saiyan during record breaking victory over Scotland. Yes, the land of the rising sun was ecstatic after witnessing 23 of their fastest and strongest servants unlock their dormant Saiyan powers. In a sight to behold, the Japanese rugby side began to emit a golden glow which surrounded each man as their hair turned blonde in something that hasn't been seen since the modern Japanese folklore of Dragon Ball Z. This resulted in the Brave Blossoms defeating Scotland 28-21 in a thrilling match and securing their spot in the corner finals where they will take on the Springboks.
Good luck to them. Anyway, that's all for this week, thanks for tuning in. Be sure to join us again next time for your weekly dose of honest and hard hitting regional news. Until then, I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Clancy Overall, you be kind to each other. I'll see you in the next video. |
SaturdayNightLive | paw_patrol_snl | Paw Patrol! As Mayor of Adventure Bay, I hereby present the Paw Patrol with this medal of Bravery for stopping that out-of-control hot-air balloon. with you pups on patrol, our city is in good hands. don't you mean good Paws? ha ha ha ha ha ha! enough is enough. I'm City Councilman Herb Tangier. Mayor Goodway has put all our lives at risk with her Paw Patrol initiative, and I say it's time to vote her out. Sir, this may have fired all of our city's police officers, firefighters, and paramedics, and replaced them with a group of six Talking Dogs. I think that was a bad idea, and I'm not alone. listen to these concerned citizens. I was excited about the Paw Patrol at first.
Talking Dogs who know how to fly jets and drives? great. But it's become clear that six dogs cannot protect a city, roughly the size of San Diego. criminals and lowlives are flocking here because they know there's only one cop patrolling our streets, And it's a dog. And there's only one firefighter, also a dog. So if there's two fires at the same time, someone's getting screwed, I guess?
Who is in charge of this organization, a child? Yes! The Paw Patrol is run by a 10-year-old boy named Ryder. Who is this kid? it's me, as far as we can tell. he has no parents and doesn't go to school. But maybe that's for the best because with all of our tax dollars paying for all these Cockapoo's jet packs, we now have the worst schools in the state.
This is my 17-year-old son. he can barely read. I can read. I just don't know what sounds vowels make when they're next to other letters in a line. say a good word. this is your fault, and you need to go.
Fat, our city's covid response, was a national disgrace. Why? Because six dogs were in charge of it. Fat, Chase, the police dog's only weapon, is a net. Question,: how is a net going to help if a lunatic on bath salts is eating my face? Answer,: it won't.
Fat, Marshall the Fire dog is my favorite one. he's the funniest pup by far and the coolest by a mile. But I don't think he can carry me down the flight of stairs because he ain't got no hands. Fat, I also like Marshall the best. he's super brave, and his jokes never miss.
But do we feel safe? No. Listen to this actual 911 call. Paw Patrol, we're ready to roll. This is Ryder. what's your emergency? it's my girlfriend, man. she's not waking up. her eyes are, like, rolled back. I think she's od'd, man. um. paw Patrol. that's not the only emergency. this paw patrol's bungled. just ask my sister.
I went into labor early. I was alone and called 911 for help and told them my water broke. So they sent Zuma, the water rescue dog, to my home. he didn't understand what was happening and sat there chewing on his upper butt while I gave birth on my kitchen floor. disgraceful, but it gets worse. recently, my wife was in a terrible accident, and who came to break this earth-shaking news to me and my children? a bulldog in a hard hat. at midway through telling us, he started doing that scooting thing dogs do where they put their hind legs under them and drag their itchy ass across the floor. enough is Enough!
Mayor Goodway, the numbers don't lie. 258 unsolved murders. 36 carjackings a day. Zero sex crime units in our police force because the Paw Patrol and their 10-year-old boss don't know what sex is. And one. one chance to take our city back by voting yes to recall Mayor Goodway in next week's special election. Let's make our voice heard and get my wife out of office. people are cats. |
dropout | pov_being_bad_with_names | Hey, what's up?
Ugh. God, I don't know anyone here. Except the host, but he's busy because he's the host. Ugh, fucking Rob.
Okay, Dave. Time to meet some new people. That's a thing humans are known to do.
No.
Oh, there, she's cute and no one's talking to her.
Okay, Dave. It's not weird. You're not weird. Hey, how's it going? I'm Dave. Oh, hi. Good job, Dave. You killed it. Very normal introduction. I...
Oh, shit. I didn't listen to her name. Okay, it's not a big deal.
This is funny. This is cute.
Just, I don't know, ask again. I'm sorry. This is so stupid, but to name again, it always takes me two tries. That's okay. I'm the same way.
It's... Great. She bought it. In fact, I think she thought it was charming. This is going so...
Oh, fuck. I missed it again. Shit.
Wait, Mike. Hey, I want to introduce you to someone, if that's cool. Great. Hey, dude. What's up? Oh, hey, Dave. I want you to meet the coolest guy in the world. This is my friend, Mike. Hi, Mike.
Yes, it worked. Fuck. I'm so dumb.
I'm going to get a drink. Do you want anything? Oh, yeah. Whatever you're having. Okay. Dude, that girl seems into you. Nice.
What is her name? I don't know.
I was concentrating too hard on the handshake.
Fuck. Fucking Mike. I hate that guy. He's so dumb.
Real quick, how do you spell your name? Got her. With an E? You know what? I'll just look you up on Facebook.
Wait a minute. This is amazing. They're going to sing her name. Here it comes. Let's go to the pool.
How did I miss that? That's insane. It's gone now. It's in the rearview mirror. I'm officially a fucking idiot. All I had to do was listen.
Now I'll never know what her name...
Well, that guy's really going for it on those Cheetos. I should go for it. We're going nuclear.
What is your name? Are you serious? You've been hanging out for like two weeks.
Please. I'm sorry. Just answer it. Okay. Finally. Sorry again. Here we go. Just one more. Whoop. You know what? Just give me one second.
Clear your mind, Dave. You are a waterfall. The wind blows through you, but the names stick to you. You're a flytrap. A flytrap of names. Come to the surface, Dave, and learn the truth.
What? No! How could you do this to me? Oh, um, Dave, mute my boyfriend Gregory.
Gregory.
Oh, why did that one stick? Hey, babe, let's get out of here. Hey, man, did you happen to catch her name? Because we've been dating for two years, and it's way too late to ask her. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Polly_Bennett_SALTBURN_choreographer_and_ELVIS_movement_coach_THE_LAST_VIDEO_STORE_PODCAST | This is the last video store and I am its clerk, Alexi Toliopoulos, sitting behind the counter having wonderful conversations with interesting people about the films they love. And coming into the store today, we have got a wicked guest.
We're joined by Polly Bennet. Now Polly Bennet is a choreographer and a movement coach of some note, I might add. She choreographed that wicked dance sequence at the end of Saltburn II, Sophie Ellis-Bex's Murder on the Dance Floor. She also coached the movements for Elvis, Bohemian Rhapsody, The Crown. She's basically the expert in teaching actors how to interpret the real-life body movements of some of our most recognisable people, people that we see every day.
She's the one that makes it, so when you watch the movie, you think that is the person. So you'll be very excited to find out what her picks are, what she's going to do, she's coming in, she's getting the new rental combo, which is one new release, two weeklies, which are older movies, and I'm going to give her a staff pick recommendation based on her taste. But you know, she's pretty cool, so she might change things up a little bit. We'll see how we go, if she can stick to that combo or not.
Until then, let's enjoy the episode. Come on in, sit down. Thanks, I will. Welcome to The Last Video Store. I'm your humble clerk, Alexi, and I will be guiding you through this experience. There's not really many of us left, so it might be an odd experience of how to read movies. It's fine here, it's fine here. Well, thank you for coming in. It's your first time in the store. It is.
I'm going to need to sign you up to the store. So, I need to fill out a form. Firstly, first question, what is your name? My name is Polly Bennett. Okay, type that in, and I'm going to have to see a couple of forms of identification.
You've just come up in our system, and the first form of ID that's popping up is, I'm seeing off the bloody charts, Sophie Ellis Beckster's Murder On The Dance Floor. Yeah. What's the connection there, mate?
I work as a movement coach, choreographer in film, and I was the movement coach, choreographer on Saltburn, in which there was the final sequence. Have you seen it? I have seen it. You've seen it. So, the final sequence of Saltburn is Barry Kean, you know, dancing through.
He is dark naked, dancing through. Dark naked, yeah.
It's a magnificent sequence. It's so exciting.
I made the observation that Saltburn ends exactly the same way that Austin Powers' The Spy Who Shagged Me starts, with a wonderfully choreographed dance sequence, completely naked, roaming through a beautiful, manor-esque place. Were you conscious of that? Was that the inspiration for the scene? Absolutely not. That's the first time I've thought about that. You know, it wasn't meant to be the ending of the film, that sequence. Really? And it wasn't in the script originally. So, the stage direction was he gets out of bed and walks naked through the house. That was it.
And then, gradually, throughout filming, with all the other physical things that I'd been doing on the film, the director was like, maybe this should be a dance. And then one thing led to another, and then the spirit of Austin Powers came, you know? As he often does, he possesses many film sets around.
When it comes to creating the movement for... How does that evolve into a dance, actually? Because it's interesting, because when I think about physical movement characterisation, often it's about creating the character, basically exporting the interior into the exterior. How do you physicalise that? Was there something that you were trying to channel with that, specifically? Yeah, that's a really good way of putting it. I think...
So, with the baseline of the story being essentially a kind of talented Mr Ripley, someone from one side of the tracks tries to take over, somebody else is from the other side of the tracks' life. So, I did about three weeks rehearsal with Barry and Jacob Elordi, and we worked on both of their different characters' physicalities. So, who were these people? How did they interact with each other? How do they interact in space?
Where their weight is in their body? What animals sort of signify their characteristics? I love that animal aspect.
Yeah, well, it's a really helpful way of trying to remind actors that the body is something that is, you know, we are all animals just wearing a pair of shoes, you know? It's not that everything that we do is completely undecided. There is something in our bodies and in our heritage as humans that makes us interact in a certain way.
So, working with those two actors as a way of kind of describing it quickly, I guess, you know, Jacob's character has real, extreme, lush ownership on his space. So, if you were to watch the film again, you might notice that he touches all of the furniture, he touches the walls. He's tactile. He spends a lot of time holding his sister, the sort of boundary-less physicality that comes with being very wealthy.
And therefore, Barry, we played the opposite. He's wearing an imaginary rucksack all the time, so he's actually quite tight in his body and he doesn't touch anything until he starts infiltrating the family. So, when you see that dance routine, a bit of an Easter egg is that all of the movements that I put in that sequence with Barry are movements that Jacob has done in the rest of the film.
Whoa. I felt the chill. Yeah.
The thing is, it's like, you know, and to the untrained eye, you'll be like, oh, that feels, you know, it's been really interesting seeing the response to a piece like that, a dance like that. Because, you know, you don't know how people are going to take it, but there's something that subconsciously people understand that something else is happening apart from what you think is happening. And I think that's where my job is so interesting because I'm always doing the thing that people don't know is happening. That's so interesting. It's like the minutia of it all, like the kind of the type of evolution to a character that you might not notice, except for like on a subconscious level.
Yeah. Especially like you're talking about how he's like uptight, he's wound in, he's like insular. And then during that sequence, he's free flowing like it's I mean, obviously he's completely naked, but it's just the movement is so like floating almost through that. Yeah.
And I guess we're also in filming that you're also working with the cinematographer and the director to make sure he's hitting certain times so that he's in shadows at certain times, depending on what the movement is. So it's actually there's there's all the kind of psychosomatic movement, the things that are freed in his body. But then there's the other thing that comes on top of that when you're filming something, which is another another restriction.
So that's why I think I that's why I love what I do. And I love being able to work with the physicality of actors that then take it into dance rather than the jobs where people say, can you come in and do this jig and you have no access to the actors that are involved in it. But the way you dance on a night out is because of who you are, how you interact with your friends, how you like, whether you drink or not, all of these things. So I need to do that character work beforehand so that what you don't get is an actor trying to be a good dancer. OK, you get the actor as their character dancing the way their character would dance. How do you think my character would dance?
You've known me for about probably six minutes now. Is there an aura you're picking up on because I do love to dance. I love to colour rug up. Yeah, I don't know yet.
But you already a lot of your gestures when you're speaking to me are forward. Very forward. What does that say about me? I'm a forward guy? No, I would imagine that there is you have more you have more opportunities in your life. It feels easier for you to move forward and probably be generous laterally rather than you with your back up on the wall. So I imagine, yeah. Yeah, I'm not a leaner. I don't lean back. I love to gesture forward. Yeah, that's beautiful. I think everyone said that about me. I love to just stick it like forward. Yeah, but I think that all of these things, the way that I'm sitting, the way that you're sitting is all because of your upbringing.
And the things that you've seen, the things that you've been around, the things that, you know, if we went karaoke now. I would love to, by the way. Well, after this, you know, it's a rainy day. But if we went to karaoke and you what would be your karaoke song of choice? OK, my song of choice karaoke. The first thing that came to mind is Viva Las Vegas Elvis.
Of course. I love to sing like Elvis. That is true. So in terms of what, how you would perform that. Oh, there would be all the stops would be taken. Exactly. So you're doing it because of your relationship with seeing somebody else do it. That's true.
So in the same way, I then might see you perform and go, oh, well, he's he's done X, Y and Z or he's really gone there. So now I've got the experience of watching you as an audience member. So the way I then perform is probably because I'm response to you.
OK. And then you could calibrate someone to perform as me. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. OK. Which is the next forthcoming biopic. Absolutely.
We're trying to do the Alexis Hollyopolis story. I'm trying to get the lead role, but it does not look good. It does not look good.
Fingers crossed. And that's another thing that's coming up in your in the system right now with your identification is this idea of movement coach, which I'm fascinated by because you've got a bunch of credits where you've helped develop the performances of of these biopics, where real life people are being interpreted by actors. Elvis, Bohemian Rhapsody, The Crown as well. That's something I find so interesting.
What are you looking for? Are you looking for mimicry or is it about like trying to find the essence of that character and how the actor can kind of interpret that?
And I am forwardly gesticulating while I'm describing these wonderful motions. Yeah, I think you like doing a little body roll. I can see that someone did say that I dance exactly like John Travolta in the movie Michael, where he plays the angel with big wings and he does a dance to Chain of Fools.
Wow. Is that something that you watched a lot when you were? Yeah, unfortunately I did.
So it's in there? Yeah, it's in there. It's in the brain somewhere. It's all in there.
See, we've got to be thankful to John Travolta always. Always, always. He's in my press. Yeah, yeah. Hoops and dreams.
What am I doing? Well, in life, what am I doing?
So, yeah, I guess I mean, it's always important to sort of pan out that I was working in theatre. I'm from England, worked in London in theatre, from small scale theatre, regional theatre. I've taught in a lot of weird and wonderful places from prisons in South London to oil companies in Saudi Arabia. Like there's a huge mummity and breadth to all the different kind of people I've met. And so I never ventured to work in film.
Film came to you? You know what? Sounds a little bit, yeah, it sounds a bit rude, but it did.
And I worked on the London 2012 opening ceremony. I was part of the choreography team for the Olympics. And the man who I was assisting was a man called Toby Sedgwick, who's an amazing kind of clown choreographer. He worked with a theatre company called Complicite and has a real slapstick background, nothing like my background. So he asked me to come on board to work with him on Stan and Ollie, which is the film about Laurel and Hardy. And I ended up kind of taking quite a leading role in making a replication of the Way Out West dance, which is Laurel and Hardy together. So I was, you know, I was working with Steve Coogan and John C. Reilly to do that.
And it was in that process that, you know, coupled with my deep interest in a television program called Stars in Your Eyes, which I don't know if it made it over here, but I spent a couple of hours on YouTube watching that. And it was like when I was a kid, average people would come on, they'd get interviewed, you know, all specky and quiet, and then they'd walk through a door and transform into a celebrity. And they would then perform as Cher or Freddie Mercury or whatever. And I was just obsessed with this when I was a kid. Wow, you became that door. That channels them into the celebrity.
That's it, because when I was working on Stan and Ollie, I was like, gosh, something is happening here where I'm really curious about finding out why people move the way they do. And I've always had that, which is why I was doing the job in the first place. But there was something about seeing Laurel and Hardy and going, right, these are two guys that are dancing the same dance. But actually, when you start investigating it, you see all of the history of their bodies. You know which one choreographed the dance. You know that, you know, Oliver Hardy was maybe not as confident in dancing, but he knew how to sell it. You can see all of that story in them. So I think then that naturally led for me to work on Bohemian Rhapsody.
And I was very much the underdog because I was sort of in my early 20s and went to this, you know, interview with a sort of top knot wearing dungarees being very confused at why I was there. And it was sitting opposite from Rami in this in this interview. And he was like, I don't know how to become Freddie Mercury.
I'm terrified. And that's what I hear quite a lot working with actors that people are terrified of the things that they have to do.
So I'm going, well, what is it? So really what you're up against is what makes Freddie Mercury the greatest showman that's ever existed. So rather than go be the greatest showman, which your perception of that is going to be very different than mine. Yeah, mine's John Travolta.
Naturally. And therefore yourself. Oh, wow.
So what was it that you were trying to or how did you interpret that? So you have to try and understand what you know. I work with I find myself saying, what isn't it? As well as what is it?
So what isn't Freddie Mercury doing? He's not standing still. He's not on a microphone stand. He's not always defended by a guitar, holding it in front of him. He's spontaneously moving.
So that is the thing that makes audiences excited. You know, the first thing he does at Live Aid is run onto the stage and and sort of go the breadth of the stage. And he does these three punches to the audience.
Now, then, when you learn that he was actually a boxer when he was a kid. Whoa. And he was a long distance runner at school, both of which are fairly isolated sports. Yeah. It makes sense then that he then is the frontman of a band instead of a collaborative in the same space. That's interesting. Yes. And the first thing what's in his body for free is those punches.
So whilst we might make fun of them is like a thing that Freddie Mercury does. I would never dare make fun of them.
Absolutely. God forbid. But, you know, his those punches are actually his like his expression of self. Yeah. Wow.
So and he runs he runs with high knees across the stage. He also only walks on an eight. So he you know, normally when I count music, it'll be one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. In time with whatever the beat is in. When he starts moving in Live Aid, he goes on an eight. So he goes eight and one, two, three, four and five, six, seven, eight and one.
That is only really done by people that really know the music. So then we know Freddie's so good at performing because he knows the music inside and out. So you give that to an actor and then someone like Rami can run with it because what they're playing is knowing the music rather than being great.
Wow. So it went so when I'm working with, you know, people on The Crown or I'm working with Austin playing Elvis. It's not you know, it's terrifying to get given these characters like, go on, be Elvis, you know. And then we see a lot of impersonators. We see a lot of people that mimic his movement. Yeah. You were at the karaoke.
Of course, I'll be mimicking karate chops. Lots of karate chops. Well, there you go. So the karate is the same thing. But karate, he only started doing karate when he was in the army.
It's true. So you don't see it in his body prior to that. And at the karaoke, let the record show, I would not put the microphone in my mouth the way that Elvis did. Oh, my God. Isn't that great? When that happened, because I am an Elvis fan, when that happened in the film, I felt a surge of electricity go through my body going, that's real. I want to get up to the audience going, he actually used to do shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, that's because, you know, we spent so much time looking at footage and trying to because it's not in the script. It's not in his script.
He puts the microphone in his mouth. Yeah, but we had to get that into Austin's body. Why is he doing that? He's doing that because he's on this drug. He's on this. He's thinking this. He can hear that. Like he's entertaining. There's three girls in the front that maybe he fancies.
We're trying to make the lived experience of what it was like to be him the same way that in The Crown, working with anyone that is a member of the royal family, we have to I have to work with them to give them the idea of never not knowing where you're walking. Yeah, I don't know about you, but I regulate even walked in here and I was like, I don't know who I am. I don't know who to say hi to because I don't have anyone guiding me like in front of me.
The royal family always have got people walking in front of them, so they never have any doubt in their bodies. They are never going, they're never looking around. They're always on this play and they're always looking forward. When they turn, they walk, they turn from their backs because they don't need to be looking around them because something's always there to guide them. Their rhythm is really slow.
So all of that stuff is so different than Elvis, who grew up as the white kid in an African-American neighborhood.
So he looks down. My God, you could have won the Oscar for this. I know. He came in front of me, the king. You should see me.
Can I ask, when it comes to like the study of it all, are you just watching intently? Are you taking notes? How do you, what's the research aspect of this?
Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of it's a lot of watching and it's a lot of reading. It's a lot of trying to sort of feels very similar. I did art history at university, so it was very similar to kind of like really deep diving on an artist and trying getting all the material as much as possible. But like how I've been describing it, quite a lot of it is taking an imaginative leap into turning it into something practical and avoiding the idea of going, well, he's doing this because that actually we don't know what he's doing because it's not our experience. So I'm trying to find imaginative circumstances for people to to move with.
A lot of the crowd scenes in Elvis I was a key part of because young women responding to a white male pop star who was moving in the 1950s was incredibly rare. Like it just didn't it was the first time those eruptions happened. But asking 300 girls from the Gold Coast, most of which hadn't really had any interaction with Elvis, you know, is I couldn't go just scream because then you get sort of the Harry Styles kind of laughing.
So I researched the history of screaming. Why do women scream? Why is it why is it a thing? You know, and then then I uncovered all this mad stuff about tribes and who could scream the loudest gets the most attractive man. And then you're giving girls that experience. I did workshops to go if whoever screams the loudest gets to touch Austin's hand and trying to make those situations as real as possible. In the same way as rather than asking a lot of young women this day and age to be sexualized is to give them something that turns that thought into a physical idiosyncratic movement.
So, you know, I could try it on you now of if you pretend that you've got you've got toothache. So you've got toothache and yeah, and that's yeah. And then maybe you've got stomach ache. Oh, yeah. And that's there for you.
I'm not to scream. I'm not playing. I'm not asking you to be sexy. I'm not asking you.
Is that competition still running if I scream the loudest can we touch Austin? I don't know. Maybe we can start it up again. We'll try. Yeah, I've only got one more question to ask before we jump into your pigs.
Have you ever been or are you currently a member of another video store? I'm not a member of another video store, which I don't know if I don't even know if I'm I can be.
Well, this is the last one. Yeah. Actually to relinquish your citizenship to them.
Yeah, I don't think I mean, I was a member of blockbuster when I was a kid and have lots of fond memories of the sort of. What was the stories to go to as a kid? It was it was a blockbuster in a place called Chaney's Parade in in like a place called Little Chalfont, which is the most English sounding village.
Yeah. Little Chalfont. Yeah. Who's Chalfont and why is he so small? I actually don't know the answer to that, but I do know that it's one of the stops on the tube on the London Underground. And the only reason why it goes out to this place in London is because the man who designed the London Underground lived there. Wow. So it's actually sort of in the countryside on the outside of London. And it's everyone's like, well, it's on the tube, but it's just so this dude could get into work. Is he like Little Chalfont's favorite son? Well, until you came around. Yeah. I think he's the patron saint of Chalfont. Interesting.
So what was the blockbuster like? What were your fond memories of it? Do you know what?
There's two there's two memories, which the first is pretty dark, which was going in and seeing the young men that worked behind the counter. My colleagues, my comrades in arms.
Yeah. Well, I don't know if you want to say that, but these guys were just watching porn videos and sort of like blustering and putting it away when people came in. Yeah. I would say the video store clerk is one of the most blustering type of guys. You know, like, oh, no one can know what I'm up to. Lots of secrets. There's a lot of that, a lot of kind of like rewinding the tapes with a pencil. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I was not in that era. I was a DVD era guy.
Oh, wow. So I didn't have to do manual rewinds. It was all, you just press eject, it's all there for you. It's all there. But they would be watching pornographies like on the TVs in the store. Big time. But it was, you know, when it was quiet. Yeah, of course.
No one's bold enough to put on the screen. I was obviously very innocent and didn't know what was going on until I sort of told my brothers at home.
You're walking in with a rucksack, imaginary style on your own back. Imaginary rucksack, yeah.
Yeah, all of that. Like the kid from Up. Yeah, but I remember, and I also remember trying to get a 15 out. I don't know if it's the same.
We would have MA15 Plus, which is like a mature audiences recommended 15 years or older. Or accompanied by a parent or guardian. So my parent or guardian would never come to the video shop with me, so I was just trying my luck and getting a 15. And I worked out the maths of what year I was born and all that stuff. And then they bloody rung my parents because they were on my card. And then my mum said I wasn't 15 and I was so embarrassed because it was also the sexy boys that were playing porn that I was trying to impress.
Wow, those guys, they had it all. Yeah, story of my life. That's their allure, the allure.
Do you remember what the movie you were trying to rent was? No, it was probably something in the kind of era of the she's all that's and the 10 things I hate about you vibe.
Oh okay, yeah, teenage Shakespearean adaptations. Yeah, true. It is. Wow. And you know, yeah, I tried my best but then I was so embarrassed and I was so mad with my mum. But you know, that's parenting I suppose. Well, I hope you find it in your heart to forgive her. I just went home and read some Shakespeare instead. I have to imagine it's young, modern teenagers playing these characters. Is this true?
And she will be tamed. I promise you she'll be tamed.
Well, I'm going to load you up in the system. Your membership is official. And I'm even going to put a note in that you are allowed to rent MA15 Plus and even R18 X-rated. You can get everything. Wow, the porn is coming. The porn is available to you right now. Thank God. Well, I'm going to send you out to the shelves.
Come back with your picks. You can get up to four films. Okay. I'm going to say new release and three weeklies which can be older films, anything. We have every single film that has ever been made, yet to be made, released or unreleased. They're out there in the shelves for you. Great. Looking forward to it. New release. See, we have a wonderful stack of movies in front of you.
But one thing I'm noticing, there are no new releases here. This is unprecedented. In all our years of doing this podcast, this is one of the first two or three episodes that everyone has picked a new release film. Yeah, I find that really hard actually because I think there must be some correlation between I started working in movies in 2018 which was Stan & Olly and then Bohemian Rhapsody. And that's the new release era. And that's the new release era that rewinding five years from now is to there. And so maybe there's a correlation between since working on movies where I know how the sausage is made.
You can't enjoy them. I don't know, maybe. That makes me really sad.
I mean there's a few movies that I obviously have enjoyed but I think I... Elvis, Bohemian Rhapsody, Stan & Olly. Yeah, just Pieces of Woman, things that I've worked...
Saltburn. Yeah, Saltburn really good, yeah.
But I think it would be really conceited for me to only talk about films that I've worked on. Yeah, well those are the only five good movies in the last five years so it makes sense.
You said it. You know, what's the common thread? Yeah, there's something there. You're about to become extremely in demand right now. Weekly.
So you've got some older films here and said I will allow this. I will have to go into the system, manually change one of these to a new release. But there's some absolutely beautiful classics you've got here. Films I've worn for my entire life.
I think you have beautiful taste. Thank you. You're welcome.
The first film you've got here, an Australian classic. Oh yeah. You know, we don't have it directly from us right now but an Australian classic, a musical by Baz Luhrmann. What's the film?
What a banger, it's strictly ballroom. Music. Absolutely beautiful.
When did this movie come into your life? Oh, probably rented it from the video store, pretending I was old enough to get it.
You're changing it to like a G rating on the front. Yeah, I think that people just thought it was something about ballroom dancing, let me have it. How sexy can this be? It's about ballroom dancing.
Oh, you've got no idea. Have you met Tina Sparkles?
Yeah, I think I rented it from the video store and then I do think I wore out my own cassette tape of it. So you own this as well? Yeah, I own this as well.
The soundtrack. Yeah, and I mean it's a proper nostalgic thing for me now because, you know, look at me, but I went on to work with Baz Luhrmann and that is absolutely ballistic to me. There were days on set with Elvis where I was like, what? Because that film was for me as somebody that danced as a kid and was in competitions and it was all about the aesthetics and understanding what dancing was in terms of is it technique or is it spirit?
When are you deemed good? When are you not good enough?
I think that really spoke to me without me realising that that's why it spoke to me. And I think there's something about Strictly Ballroom that I keep coming back to, especially on the discovery after, you know, I was a really high end dancer when I was a kid and sort of geared towards doing that, you know, in ballet. And, you know, have hugely content memories of being at ballet school. I also have a lot of destructive ones because that sort of training and the rigour and the restriction is something that I was always in competition with. And I was regularly being told, you're too entertaining, you're trying to get too much attention, this sort of stuff. Your style glows too bright. A little bit, I think. But in comparison to the girls that were really obedient, you know, didn't like talking to boys or didn't like carbs and I liked all of those things. And so because I was like a little bit bigger, sometimes I would have to sell it more when dancing. And so I think there is something in the story of Scott and his father in Strictly Ballroom that made me go, wow, dancing isn't about looking a certain way.
It's about feeling something. And we hear it all the time, you know, just move from feeling, move from feeling. But actually, you know, understanding that through a film when I was younger was really, really formative. Was it an instance of you as a kid going, oh, that's part of my life? Did you feel seen by this movie?
Yeah, 100 percent.
I mean, because you've got you've got characters that are the underdogs, which I definitely felt like I was, even though I was really good. You know, and that's quite a weird, twisted psychology, because then you've got, you know, you've got Tina and you've got her partner's name. I can't remember Kim or something who are the kind of the elegant.
They've got the most fabulous costumes. They've got the perfect white quiffed hair. Love that design.
I mean, I mean, that was the start of C.M. and Baz's sort of working relationship. And I think in learning about how that film was made. Now I'm older that it came from Baz being at NIDA and putting on a play and, you know, fighting to get it made through, you know, trying to get investors and stuff. There's something again that it reminds me that we've all we can all be doing that and we don't have to leave it to the film gods to come and like, you know, choose us. And our stories are the ones that that individual stories are the ones that we should make. Otherwise, they don't mean anything to anyone. And so I think it kind of is quite an existential musing for me, looking at how that was made and how they how that collaboration made. It was Craig Pierce, who is a screenwriter, who then went on to work on all of Baz's subsequent films. You know, it's like it's it's sort of beautiful how that collaboration came from a world of dance.
And so in a in a job where I regularly feel quite isolated and quite alone in the sense that I am the only person on set in my role, I rarely have an assistant. I regularly am carrying a lot of high performers with me and then get the bus home.
Yeah. You know, so there's something kind of extraordinary about looking at that and seeing, you know, the scene where the, you know, Franz Jaja teaches the Passo Doble rhythm and encourages Scott, our lead character, to to feel the music rather than be at odds with it. Odd with it is something that I think I get. I'm always pushing my actors to work with as well. So, wow. I think you say it so beautifully in that what makes this film so unique, because it is a really it's a simple story and it's like a familiar story, this film. But what it is, what its power is, is obviously its aesthetics. But I think it's in this thing that I've not even really thought about, in that when you think about dance, you think about like freedom, you think about expression. But then it's in this world where everything's highly, highly, I guess not regimented, but like specific.
They want to see the specific things. They don't want to see surprises. They don't want to see things before.
And that feels so at odds with how anyone really thinks about dance. But it's this really specific world that does it. Yeah. And I think there's, you know, we you could probably any of us or anyone listening to this could watch a television program and watch a bunch of dancers. And we probably all would go, that person's really good. There is something so there is something so innate and animal in our understanding of what what seeing somebody move makes us feel.
And so I think. Yeah, I think that really is. I don't know. I think it is.
It's the it's the best thing about that film, as well as you can watch it hung over on a Sunday. And just for me, do extreme Australian accents and find it very funny.
But, you know, can you try one now? Oh, yes. Tina Sparkles. Whoa. OK.
Tina Sparkles is in the room. Tina Sparkles.
I just think I found it very entertaining. I mean, it was also in the in the echelons of Muriel's Wedding for us. When Australian cinema is like hitting this really unique space of broad but very interesting comedy, but very deep and heartfelt.
Yeah. Like I think that that was like a really powerful time. Australian cinema where we were doing something special that was on the cutting edge and perhaps even like decades ahead of like where independent cinema was going in the rest of the world. Yeah. And when I'm in like that, really, as a young British girl, the idea of Australia was like it's so far away and magnificent. Yes. And it's somewhere that I'll go when I'm 18 and backpack and work in a strawberry farm or something. Yeah, of course. That's every English person's dream from what I understand as an Australian. Oh no, it's Ramsey Street or, you know, whatever.
Summer Bay.
Yeah. So but it was kind of again, it's a kind of full circle film for me because then I ended up working in Australia so much. And I'm here, you know, here right now. Yeah. You're here in the store. That's it.
I think it's I caught up with this film again recently. And I remember when it came when I saw it as a kid, I was kind of like, yeah, that's good, but it didn't really stick with me. And then coming back to it now, I think my thoughts or even my feelings about aesthetics have changed so much over my life. Where, you know, when I was a kid, like, I don't know, Maxillimism wasn't something I was really interested in.
Now where like now it's something I really care about is seeing like the expression through cinema and through just like even just the way this film sparkles, the way this film glows, like the way that light catches on a sequin. I found it so immensely just like I used for this movie now. I just loved it so much. I felt so funny and so charming and just like lives in vibrancy.
Yeah, you're right. There's so there's so few films as well that have the confidence to do something like the kind of the flashback to Scott's dad dancing. And it's almost like in a stagey style. It's so different.
It's make him laugh and singing in the rain. It's it's all it's a big studio space, him dancing alone.
Sort of there's a broom involved. There's a spotlight roaming. And I just like that's proper. And we don't see that. And I think that goes back to Saltburn. We crave seeing people dance. So it's the end of another round. Yeah. You know, where we see all those men dancing. It's like we there's something real that audiences crave because we are becoming so unphysical. Yes. Because we're on our phones, we're connected by e-mails. Like we want to see people move and express because it's something that we don't live in regularly. And it goes back to my animal in shoes. Wow. I love that.
One thing that I didn't have any memory of and we came back to in the film that I really loved. And it's just something I was never conscious of.
But I think it's a really nice way to start the story is there's all these talking head moments where it's like the characters with almost like interview chirons underneath them saying this is who this person is. And they just start telling the story as if it's a documentary. I found that like a really nice way to get into the film.
And I was so charmed by that with the extension of this is Bas Lomond's directorial debut. It's so confident to do a move like that in a movie that not only abandons it, it grows stylistically beyond that kind of stuff. And to make I think that's what I found so charming with this, because I love a lot of Bas's modern films there and the maximalism that he displays there. But to see his maximalism on a small budget in almost like the maximalism. But finding the naturalistic space to tell like these maximalistic stories and his maximalistic expressions, I was like genuinely moved by that.
Oh, good. And I reckon there's something in that because it changes with us and that's why these films last. Like, you know, it's even Romeo and Juliet, you know, like there will never be a day where someone goes, should we put Romeo and Juliet on and I say no. It is the most extraordinary film and the most extraordinary combination of design and concept and, you know, real belief in the words and understanding the story of what it means to be in love and hopeful. And it's kind of, you know, the core of Strictly Born 2.
And that's the start of the Red Curtain trilogy for him. And that's why those films sustain and I'll keep watching them. And we all will keep watching them. And Paul Mercure's butt is very cute in there. That might be another reason to keep watching these movies.
I can't imagine it.
That's the real reason. You get all this stuff. What is your next pick? Oh, my next pick, I guess going on from there is a film that my dad recorded off the television for me. Oh, that's a special memory. Like having those films where you can remember where the ads are or where someone was loving enough to pause it so the ads can be skipped. All of that jazz. Yeah.
And I remember my parents were having a party and it was one of those ones where it was like put the kids in the room and sort of leave them be. And this was the film that he put on. And I don't remember the other people in the room being there.
And this film then, along with The Sound of Music and other absolute bangers is one that I have such fond memories of for so many reasons and has actually infiltrated all aspects of my life. And that's Annie. Music. Yeah, it's a really fun movie. I love Annie. What makes like I love musicals. I love big cinema, big screen musicals. And I think it's because what is film, if not like the meaning of sound and vision and what expresses that more powerfully than musicals. And also, I have to agree with you on something. To me, that's a movie star move to just see someone dancing on screen. Like that's when you see like that's what you want to see. You want to see beautiful people moving beautifully. And Annie has at least two huge banger numbers.
The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow. That would probably be top five karaoke songs that I would love to try. I've never sung it out loud, but I think it would be really fun. I can't really body riffle to that, but I would love to see it. The Sun Will Come Out. Was that, did that feel good? Yeah, it was more of a shoulder roll than a body riffle. The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow.
Again. Yeah, good joints. Yeah, yeah.
And Hard Knock Life. That's two all time great musical numbers. And they both performed like really differently in the film too. Like one, Hard Knock Life is more like that Busby Berkeley like, you know, with so many different angles. It's about the camera as much as it's about the performers.
And Sun Will Come Out. It's like a beautiful solo. It's a beautiful solo with, you know, then you've got President Roosevelt in the room. You've got, he's in a wheelchair.
Yeah. Just believing in the future of America. You know, Daddy Warbuck joins in for the first time. You know, that's a big, I mean, I will, I won't lie, I did used to fast forward The Sun Will Come Out tomorrow. Wow. Thank you for not lying. Yeah.
I mean, not that it's not great, but it would just stay in my head too much. And I was annoyed by myself.
Yes. Okay. I understand that.
But there's something also very Pollyanna about that song that I think I always had a slight problem with. A little dose of pessimism in me, but the Hard Knock Life was just, you're completely right.
I mean, for anyone who's not seen it, a lot of films at that time were big studio soundstage guys. Lots of kind of one shots. Lots of big, you know, I don't know if you've seen Million Dollar Mermaid, but those sort of the films which are just like, what's Million Dollar Mermaid?
But it's so good. But it's not something that I put, you know, I've chosen today because it's not there's not much story there.
It's effectively a kind of dance show, but it's a lot of high end divers. And oh, is that Esther Williams? Yes. And it's and it's Busby Berkeley who choreographed. So you see lots of kind of synchronized swimming, lots of shapes, you see lots of high dives. It's like it's the screensaver on my phone, which is like, you know, Esther Williams coming out in a gold swimsuit. Wow. With lots of synchronized swimming, gorgeous ladies that are smiling through, sort of going underwater and arriving out of water again. It's mad. Wow.
I hate to bring this up again, but Austin Powers, Spy Who Shagged in the opening scene. They do make reference to Esther Williams when he's doing synchronized swimming. And in Hail Caesar as well, Scarlett Johansson's doing something around that. So it's part of your life I think. Austin Powers is really taking over. It's because I'm English, isn't it? But yeah, I think there's something about how those films were made. It was therefore stuff that came through like the Fred Astaire movies, like and then going into to Annie is the first time that people were like cutting and cutting sequences to make it look like one shot.
And so How Not Life is all of the orphans in the orphanage led by Annie being, you know, pissed off that she is having to clean. And this is when I was watching it, I was a little girl not that was pissed off at having to clean, but I was a little girl that was at dance club, you know.
So this was me seeing people my age and the one girl backflips up a bed. I was like, how do I backflip up a bed? I was just like, well, she's doing it. So now I need to be able to do that. And that's what I worked on, like in my bedroom, trying to backflip and causing a lot of noise, but still giving it a go.
But being that kind of you know, there's something so amazing about seeing young people dance because it's all the things that we as adults don't have anymore, which is sort of, you know, or rarely have. Elastic limbs. Well, elastic limbs. Yeah. But also that, you know, they're just not not a self-conscious.
And so you see those girls in that orphanage are absolutely going for it in the same way that you watch Matilda now. And Ellen Kane's amazing choreography in Matilda. That's why we were all taken by that film, because we're seeing young people do something that we don't regularly do. And the community of how you see those dances come together.
So I think, you know, the inherent thing of like Annie looking for her parents. It's all that is the same thing as why we love Disney movies. You know that every Disney movie is like a child that's been taken away from a parent.
Yeah. That's my dream as a child. What to be taken away? That's a different podcast. You watch this on like a recorded VHS tape. Do you remember any of the ads that were stuck on there? Oh, I mean, there was always McDonald's and it was when we had the McDonald's toys were always plastic chicken nuggets. And they had different hair, sort of like a Mr. Potato head. I know. I remember the one you're talking about. Yeah. There's a lot of those adverts.
And there's the very sexy Galaxy chocolate with a woman in a bath. Oh, OK. I remember being like, oh my God, so naughty. We only had Galaxy chocolate in Australia for a short amount of time.
And I think it might have been it was too sexy for us to own. Yeah, we could have nice things. Well, we can't do it. It's too sexy for consumption in Australia. You're really missing out. It's really good. And I also think it's interesting.
Annie and Ronald McDonald have the same hairstyle. So maybe that's what they do. Product placement. That's like, OK, who's going to sponsor the movie? Well, we've got a good connection to Ronald.
Yeah. I've never thought of that. Yeah.
Oh, it's so good. It's such a great it's such a great movie.
And there's there's an amazing the choreographer. This is called Peter Gerano, who actually was the co choreographer unbeknownst to the world of West Side Story.
Oh, well, Robert Wise, I love West Side Story. I think it's I love West Side Story so much.
And I would say this unequivocally the best movie poster ever designed. That's Saul Bass. We've got the like the they're on the fire escapes in that beautiful red and white. I think it's just so stunning. So good, isn't it? And it's the same.
I just recently bought the poster to blow up, blow up. And it's in my house. I just moved house.
I was like, why do I love this so much? Because I don't like the movie that much. But I love this poster. And I was like, I think it's because it's West Side Story. And I feel like it's a bit too arch for me, a choreographer, to have a West Side Story on. Blow up the Antonioni movie?
Yeah.
It's a hectic poster. Like, you know, standing over with a camera. Over the camera, over the thing.
It's so good. Very cool. And I think as well with Annie and West Side Story, it's that a thing that I love is like Backlot New York. That like stage built fake New York kind of like to look make it look slummy to make it. I just think there's something about that artifice that I get just so I get clenched about. I just love it so much. It's so romantic, isn't it? There's something really and it makes me feel very safe watching both of those films. Yeah. And therefore, when I have gone to work in New York, I feel very at home there.
I think because I spent so much time in the imaginary landscape as a kid. But both of them having huge dance numbers again makes me want to dance through those streets. And these streets are long lines.
You know, we've got this very, very few wiggly routes and Snicket's the way that we have in London. What's Snicket's? Snicket's are like if you've got two roads, you've got a curved route to get to them. That's a Snicket.
Well, we don't have that in Australia. No.
We have laneways, we have alleyways. Lots of straight lines.
I haven't even heard the word before, Snicket. Snicket, yeah. But I might say it every single day from henceforth. You just got to go down the Snicket's.
Yeah, OK. It's where you'd like to go and kiss boys and stuff when you're younger. Catch me down there, mate. And also, I'm going to point it out to you.
This is another Shakespearean adaptation about teenagers. West Side Story.
Yeah, big time. Love it. I mean, it's interesting because I did work at the Royal Shakespeare Company for about two years.
Yeah, but you're like, this needs teenagers. This needs modern... I'm with the big guys. Modern twist of teenagers.
How could Shakespeare, though? You can't get away from that. Yeah, he's awesome. Yeah.
I don't think he wrote it all, though. Oh, don't get me started. I'm one of those conspiracy theorists. I had this conversation the other day. I was like, ugh, can we go?
Nah, nah, it's all one guy. All right, next pick. You've got one last pick here.
And this is another wonderful picture. Yeah, again, I mean, there's part of me when I was picking these going, this is sort of quite embarrassing because they're all sort of in the same, there's something more, kind of, the melting pot of them is quite similar. You sort of could pick anyone out, I think, and watch it at any time. Maybe that's my, that's sort of my niche in my choosing. But I watched A League of Their Own. Drama.
Pretty much every week when I was a kid. Again, it's women, you know, stepping up and taking control of stuff. And I think, weirdly, that was important to me when I was a kid, and it's even more important to me now in the work that I do and who I'm around and what projects I do.
And Tom Hanks was in Elvis, and this was the film that I spoke to him about. Wow. Did he have the Dutch accent when he replied to you? I can't talk about that. Gates, it's sealed. That's the sealed section of the interview. He did not have the Dutch accent when he spoke to me. Okay.
We did also talk about Shakespeare, too, because he's a big Shakespeare fellow as well, so no Dutch accent with that. I would love to see him do The Merchant of Venice with a Dutch accent, though.
Cool then, and Jim Carrey and see what's up. Okay, now that's a movie. I think we're selling a movie in the room right now.
Really casting wild here. I really love a league of their own. I especially love Penny Marshall. She was one of those filmmakers that I think I just like, probably growing up with this movie a little bit, it played on TV all the time in Australia, and I used to watch Laverne and Shirley as well. I'm that kind of weird guy. I would rush home to watch reruns of 30-year-old sitcoms and stuff, and I've always loved Penny Marshall, and now as I've grown, my appreciation of her has grown, because I think she makes comedy truly cinematic, and in this film as well, it's like this warm feeling, but it also feels like an American epic, and that's what baseball is, I guess, to people like you and I that we didn't grow up in baseball culture.
I just go, wow, that's America. Yeah, big time.
I know exactly what you mean, because this is like the making of an all-American female baseball league at the time where men were all at war. There's something kind of opportunistic about it in the same way that women were making the bridges in England and stuff. There's something kind of like, oh, we can do it too about it, and then you throw in kind of the cast here, and it is the all-American cast.
Madonna, Geena Davis. I think Madonna is so rocking in this movie. I'm a big Madonna fan.
Yeah, Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell is so funny.
There's an actress that I really love in this movie, Megan Kavanagh, who plays, she's in other movies of this time, Junior, she's in Junior. She's in Miss Congeniality 2, Robin Hood Men in Tights, but she plays Maria Hooch in this film.
Oh, sure. I'll show you her on the screen here. With the unibrow? Yes, that's her.
I always loved her in a league of their own. I just think there's something about that performance that I can't even articulate. I just love that as a little supporting character actor role. Because she's the character who leaves her dad to her, and she's actually a really strong ballplayer, but the men don't want her in the team because she's not attractive.
Yeah. Kill Me Dead. Absolutely.
And they've got their version of the shoes or that. She's been put in a skirt and a dress, and then she's on the night out with all of the female players, and she meets her husband. See, everyone needs love. They all do, and Penny Marshall knows it.
I also think that what this film does, it's this nice balance between the goofy comedy that she can just nail. That's her wheelhouse. That's her background. But then it has this balance of the prestige based on a true story drama film. And I think she's kind of done both of those things, but because she melds them together so nicely in this film, like, oh, this is the film that she was born to make. Yeah. It's got all her skills in it.
I agree, and it goes back to what you were saying about the sort of all-American thing. There's a moment in this which is, I think the team, the peaches are warming up, and somebody hits the ball, and the ball falls to the outside of the pitch, and a black woman picks up the ball and throws it back to Jean Davis with a real cork of a throw, and it's just a little loaded look. There's nothing that touches on race broader than that one little moment between Gina and that woman. And Gina just gives her a little nod, as in like, yeah, you're as good as us. And it's just so smart because it's like watching it now, it's like, oh, it's kind of weird that there's no black women in this thing.
Oh, God. And if they were making that film now, it would be a whole casting curiosity. Have you seen the new Amazon series? Of what? Of this, it's an Amazon series interpretation of A League Of Their Own, and it does exactly what you're saying. Which is what, over-egg that? No, which is, well, no, not exactly what you're saying. It's still what you would want it to do, I should say, where it explores that entire aspect of it.
Interesting. Yeah, it's pretty cool. It was only one season, unfortunately. Yeah. But it's a pretty cool series. I don't know.
I'm scared of watching anything. I'm really scared generally of watching remakes like West Side Story.
You didn't see the remake? It took me a really long time to see it. And you did see it?
And I did. And? I think my two... A loaded I think. Yeah.
Well done, Steven. Good job. We love you so, Stevie. Love you, babe. Good job. Keep going.
However, the two things that I thought were really excellent about it were that for the first time I had thought about West Side Story being, as you were kind of saying, in the populated city of New York. When you watch the original, there's no extras.
Yeah. It's just the sharks and the jets. You don't see anybody else. Yeah. The skyline's really just like a big purple haze. Yeah. It's just like, we're in New York and it's just the sharks and the jets. And for whatever reason, that works. Yeah. You know, given it was made in, what, 17, whatever. You're like, okay, I can see Officer Krupke keeping all these people in line. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. He's doing a good job. He's not stretched out too far. Yeah.
So there was something amazing about seeing it now and feeling the weight of the city around these people. And equally, I loved they moved where the song Cool is. So in the original, Cool is after Riff has been killed and Bernardo has been killed.
Whereas in West Side Story, Steven's won. Like we know him. Steven's version. Yeah, Steve's version.
They moved it to Before the Rumble. Yeah. And I thought that was like, I was like, oh, duh, yes, great. However, don't need it. Wow. God bless them.
We'll always watch the original. That's true.
I will endeavor to watch both in one day, one day. I will watch it with you and be scathing.
Whoa. Okay, well. I just don't think it, yeah. I would say this.
I was surprised by it because I did not, I mean, it's hard not to like Spielberg because he's so skilled. He's such a skilled technician and still skilled craftsman and skilled artist.
And I was watching, when I watched, I was like, he should have been making musicals for a long time. Yeah. He should have been doing this for a long time. And hasn't he just done Color Purple as well? He produced it, but he directed the original and then he produced or EP'd the new one, which is a musical adaptation. But even like in, I think 1941, the weird comedy he made in the seventies and then Temple of Doom. He's got great musical sequences. Like this guy should have been, we were robbed of him making musicals. He probably won't make another one again. I know. And it was kind of that he was only making West Side Story.
Well, not only, but I believe the kind of rhetoric that was put out there with the publicity was that it was because it was the first film his dad had made him watch or watched with him or something. And it was like in honor to his father. His father.
And I go, yeah, yeah. It's good for you. Yeah. And it's the same with, you know, it's the same with Fablemans. Yeah. Wow. Fablemans. That's awesome. Sorry, guys. I loved Fablemans. Did you?
Yeah, because it was crazy. What was crazy about it?
I think it was really interesting to see this guy who has been like the popular filmmaker of modern cinema, like the real populist filmmaker. And he's always made like these big genre films and there's a lot of heart in them. But then when you see this, you understand how much of himself he shared throughout all these other films as well. And I think, you know, if there was one filmmaker that could make like, or if you allow them to make a really self-indulgent expose memoir of their life, it should be this guy that's been making, entertaining everyone forever. And then you watch and go, whoa, this guy is really sharing a lot this time.
Like there's that one shot where his parents are fighting. And once these parents, the actors that are portraying his real parents, and then you see in the mirror, a shot of little young Stevie Fableman or whatever his name was. The Stevie Fablemans. You see a shot of him imagining filming that fight.
I go, whoa, Steven, you're messed up, man. You're messed up. I love that. I didn't know he was a messed up guy.
Right. Yeah. I, that's great. I just, it was just a bit. I know.
It was no, it didn't feel like there were any, yes, for the nostalgia of filmmaking, probably a very great film. I was watching it from the perspective of when I, the things that I love about films is when there's a real action through a scene. And I felt that so many of these scenes were just sort of open, wafty, wafty things, situations, that if I walked out and came back in, nothing would have changed because I missed something. It was just another episode.
And I would have, you know what? Also, I would have like zooped up my life a bit. I would have upgraded my life and been like, you know that film I made for the high school?
It was really good. Do you want a student Oscar for it? Because I watched that film and I was like, okay. Not for me. Yeah, I would have been like, yeah, one of the guys is Chewbacca. I invented that too. Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? Maybe, I don't know. Maybe it needed a dance in it or something. I don't know.
Wow, so you're saying Steven Spielberg was very humble. He made a humble version of his life.
Interesting. I like to hear that. I'm interpreting what you said as positive. Okay. You can take it.
Staff pick. Well, it's time for me to give you my bespoke, customized staff pick recommendation for you based on your taste, your wonderful set of films.
I had to start cooking. I had to start cooking to think of this one.
I ended up coming up with one of my most treasured movies. It's a movie that I really love.
I think what sparked it was your pick of Strictly Ballroom because it's an Australian musical. The movie I'm presenting to you is an Australian musical, which is very rare. There's maybe, off the top of my head, maybe two or three more that I couldn't even think of, of Australian big screen musicals. Like Strictly Ballroom, there's this maximalist to it, maximalist energy to it, and it's in that same kind of Australiana. I even think it would probably be in the lineage of film. It could be the ancestor to Strictly Ballroom. It's a film by one of my favorite filmmakers, Gillian Armstrong, great Australian filmmaker.
She made My Brilliant Career. She made The Little Women in the 1990s with Miranda Ryder and Susan Sarandon.
It is a movie called Starstruck. Music. And here it is right here for you, Starstruck. What rating is it? This one is, it's probably, it does have a little bit of nudity in it. So you are allowed to rent it. I'm allowing it on your system. Thank you.
So what Starstruck is, it is a new wave musical. So it's, I would say it's Australian cinematic new wave of the 1970s and early 1980s. The film Renaissance meets new wave music.
Like Tim Finn writes a song for this film. Please. The Swingers, which is another spinoff of Split Ends, do the main theme for this film.
And it is a story of a young girl in Sydney, Australia, working class family that own a pub. It's the most beautiful pub in all of Sydney. Like right underneath the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
And she has these dreams of becoming like a big famous pop star. And the way that it's interpreted in the film, it's very vibrant colors. It's kind of like this Australiana that only exists in nostalgia. But it's, I also picked it because I think it's one of the only times in Australian film where, like your West Side Story, like Annie, like First Wives Club, where they treat Sydney like a big city, like the big smoke, not just like, oh, bum fuck Australia. Like our dreams exist on the other side of the world. She's from the wrong side of the tracks in Sydney, but her dreams can be achieved here in like the heights of the skyscrapers in the Opera House.
And it's just, I think it's a really, really beautiful film with really fun performances. And one thing I'd love to hear your thoughts on when do you eventually watch this film is, it's like not trained dancers doing these big Busby Berkeley style show-stopping dance numbers. They are untrained dancers and they've kind of, it's all about like their energy. So I'd be interested to see what you think of that. It's my favorite thing.
Really? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, thanks.
And it's got a glittery case. Glittery case.
So I'm really happy about that. Yeah. It's a really fun movie.
I was listening, it's been hard to find, but someone has restored it and put it up on YouTube. So it's up on YouTube now with all its dance numbers in like high definition and stuff. Oh my God. And recently I interviewed Gillian Armstrong for a podcast I've been working on.
And I had the original Australian poster, these Daybills, which are like these long skinny posters. And I bought one years ago on eBay because I was like, oh, I just love this movie so much.
And I interviewed her at the end and go, you can say no, but can you please sign this? Can you please sign this way?
She did. Was she like stoked that you had that? Yeah, she was pretty excited to see it. I think the way I interpreted it, she was. The way I interpreted it, she was. Let's say that she was.
I think so. Yeah. Fantastic. I will watch it and let you know. Well, here it is. Your stack of movies. Woohoo!
Let me put that down for you. Your membership to patoot a video. You've got Strictly Boring. You've got Annie. You've got A League of Their Own. You've got Starstruck.
And none of these are new releases. They're all weekly, so you can keep them for a little bit longer.
I'm never watching a film ever again that wasn't made before 1990.
But thank you so much for joining us, Polly. Thank you. My pleasure. And I can't wait to hear your thoughts on Starstruck. Here we go.
If you want to catch up with the movies that Polly talked about, you can do so. I'll allow me to tell you where you can find them. Strictly Ballroom is available on ABC iView. Annie is on Binge, Boxtell, whatever that kind of thing is. You can also rent it on VOD. And you can rent A League of Their Own on Video On Demand as well. Starstruck, however, the film by Gillian Armstrong that I recommended her, a little bit more difficult to find. But I'll say this. Someone has given you a blessing out there in the world. There's a nice version out there on YouTube.
But you didn't hear it from me. You did not hear it from me.
Just saying. You can search Starstruck on YouTube and you might be lucky. That's all I'll say. It's a freaking great movie, so watch it while you can.
But I didn't say that. You didn't hear it from me.
But also you can listen to this show as a podcast. Wherever you go. Look up The Last Video Store. Click the link. And you can watch it on YouTube.
You can see what I look like. I'm really handsome, I promise you that. You won't be disappointed when you see what my face looks like.
Until next time, I'll see you at the movies. And don't talk to me while we're at the movies. Actually, you have to be quiet in the cinema. So you can talk to me in the foyer after if you see me there. But during the film, please be very respectful. Phone silence.
Stare at the screen. Feel the empathy radiating throughout your body.
And then we can talk about it afterwards. But until then, I'll see you, babe. Take it easy. And you've got Starstruck.
And none of these are new releases. They're all weekly, so you can keep them for a little bit longer.
I'm never watching a film ever again that wasn't made before 1990.
But thank you so much for joining us, Polly. Thank you. My pleasure. And I can't wait to hear your thoughts on Starstruck. Here we go.
The last video store. My sincere thank you to Polly Bennett for joining me for a chat in the last video store. If you want to catch up with the movies that Polly talked about, you can do so. I'll allow me to tell you where you can find them.
Strictly Ballroom is available on ABC iView. Annie is on Binge, Boxtell, whatever that kind of thing is.
You can also rent it on VOD. And you can rent A League of Their Own on Video On Demand as well.
Starstruck, however, the film by Gillian Armstrong that I recommended her. A little bit more difficult to find, but I'll say this. Someone has given you a blessing out there in the world. There's a nice version out there on YouTube.
But you didn't hear it from me. You did not hear it from me.
Just saying. You can search Starstruck on YouTube and you might be lucky. That's all I'll say. It's a freaking great movie. So watch it while you can.
But I didn't say that. You didn't hear it from me.
But also you can listen to this show as a podcast. Wherever you go, podcast from, look up the last video store. Click the link. And you can watch it on YouTube.
You can see what I look like. I'm really handsome. I promise you that. You won't be disappointed when you see what my face looks like.
Until next time, I'll see you at the movies. And don't talk to me while we're at the movies. It's actually, you have to be quiet in the cinema. So you can talk to me in the foyer after if you see me there. But during the film, please be very respectful. Phone silence.
Stare at the screen. Feel the empathy radiating throughout your body.
And then we can talk about it afterwards. But until then, I'll see you babe. Take it easy. |
cracked | the_most_irresponsible_science_lesson_ever_taught | Welcome to Hate by Numbers. Today I'll be taking a break from cable news and counting off Attack of the Show's hip and edgy science segment instead. Candles, watch what happens when they get vaporized.
Yeah, that's right. Hey, it's cool, it's explosive, it's fucking science. Awesome.
Fire and curse words. I can't wait to try this at home. Now what we're showing you is very dangerous, so please, do not attempt this at home. fuck.
Then why are you showing us? And hey, how about that kid?
He's at home. Melt the candles down to wax and wait until it begins to boil. Now watch as water is poured into the can of wax from a safe distance.
fuck. So define safe distance. Oh, the length of your arm? So what just happened?
You see, wax is made up of tiny energy-storing molecules called lipids. The heat combined with oxygen consumes the lipid molecules and releases its energy as a huge fireball that'll singe your eyebrows. fuck. Singe your eyebrows?
Well, I guess that's technically true. If we look at this picture of Two-Face from the new Batman movie, it does appear that his left eyebrow is indeed missing.
So even though backyard fireballs look pretty damn sweet, do not attempt this at home. Because when it comes to vaporizing wax, you shouldn't be messing with fucking science. So you can be as wildly irresponsible as you want, as long as you sandwich it with Do Not Try This At Home warnings. This might be just the pick-me-up my show needs. Joining me for today's experiment is my neighbor's kid, Johnny. Now remember, Johnny, don't try this at home.
But we're in a home. This is just a green screen. Shh. Today, we're going to learn what happens when you stick a fork directly into an eyeball. Let's take a look.
Candy! But how? Well, Johnny, it's fucking science. You see, Johnny, the eyes are nature's candy shop. And when they're exposed to blunt trauma, tiny messages are sent to the brain to release sweets.
Wow, Mr. Gladstone.
And that's not all. One time I poked myself in the eye so hard, my divorced parents got back together. Really? No, that's silly. But it did bring my dead kitten back to life. But remember, don't try this at home. Can I have some of that candy? No.
Now run along. I have a show to finish. And take this fork with you.
That's Hate By Numbers. That's all. For now.
What? |
dropout | wow_everyone_s_flirting_with_ally | For Book Club, my choice is this. It's a book about barbecuing. It's wonderful.
What's up, guys? Hey! Whoa, another cool shirt, Allie. Oh, yeah, thoughts and prayers.
I saw them last night. It was amazing. A concert?
Oh, really? Gosh, you sure don't seem like someone who'd be into good music. Oh, yeah, you know me. I just listened to Green Day on repeat. Yeah, it's Allie. It's just... God, it's so dumb. I don't even know why I care. Um... Katie? I'm fine! Okay, good. Oh, really? Because it sounded like you were pretending to care about me for a second there.
No, not this. We're not doing this again.
You boys... We're not boys! Used to be so into me. Then Allie shows up, and it's like, Katie, Katie, who? No, we were never into you. Oh, stop lying! You boys... We're men!
Used to be all over me. Night and day, you were sending me little sext messages. Put in little pictures of me in lockets around your necks. I've never owned a locker. Kissing them whenever you get lonely.
What the hell are you talking about? Like you're drooling over her the second she comes in. We're not. What is it about her? Her beautiful blonde hair? Immediately wrong. Curled to perfection? Okay, that's totally not true.
All they do is flirt with you. Raphael with that T-shirt compliment. Grant with that sexy wink. God, open your eyes!
That's not flirting. That's just being nice. I'm nice to all my friends. Wow. Shut up.
And Zach, you drive Allie home like every night, and you don't even attempt to hide it from me anymore. Why would I have to hide it at all? I mean, she lives two blocks away from me, and she doesn't have a car. Wow, pretty convenient, huh? Weird that none of you ever drove me home, but I guess I'm no Allie. Katie, there was never any need. You have a car. You can drive yourself.
What is it about her? Is she cooler than your wife, Trapp? No. Roth, is her body more bangin' than your fiance's? Don't say bangin'. Zach and Grant, is she better able to hang with the boys than your long-term girlfriends?
You clearly know that we're all in relationships. We're not flirting. Yeah, Katie, stop. You've all met my girlfriend. There's never been anything flirty between any of us ever. We're just friends.
Wow, I did not expect you to be such a stupid idiot. Whoa, hey. There are men! Or should I say boys? No. Oh, these boys just care about one thing, and it ain't friendship. Get the picture? We're not. It's rock-hard pussy! What? What are you talking about? Allie, listen to me.
All these boys care about is that you're a woman. You're just a hot little piece of ass to them. Okay, you're being ridiculous. Oh, they just walk around with their tiny little brains inside of their even tinier little penises. That makes no sense.
Allie. Allie, Allie, Allie, I was just like you once. I used to be the belle of the ball. Well, guess what, baby? Beauty fades. What are you talking about? That was like two months ago. You look exactly the same. You know what, Allie?
You win. Take good care of my boys. I hope you're all very happy.
Goodbye forever! Oh, damn it.
Why wouldn't you throw them away or wash them? You're not supposed to wash jeans. You put them in the freezer.
Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your social security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_artificialist_intelligence_a_i_founder_2024 | As far as the end user is concerned, it feels pretty magical and automatic. So this is for the talentless people in HR or sales that don't know about video editing or anything? I wouldn't call them talentless, but they benefit the most. Yeah.
In the hope of finding the next best superstar founder, I decided to expand my reach and do what everybody does. I go to the valley and do my podcast there, but there are two valleys in Northern America and I travel to the wrong one. I go to the same sound stage in Bourbon, California, where the moon landing was filmed to meet with co-founder and C3PO Joseph Jorgensen from well-named AI startup Capsule AI. The AI industry has been the fastest growing industry in the history of industries with JetGP T4, self-driving cars and AI-generated drag songs. I'm excited. Let's go to the moon! Thank you for joining me for today's interview. You have raised over $6 million in funding. Your products are used across companies like Salesforce, Bloomberg, TED, National Geographic.
Founded only two years ago. Let's start off simple. Where is your office located? So we are a remote first company and we don't actually have a physical office. We've got people spread all throughout North America. So you have $6 million in funding and you don't have an actual office? That's right. Yeah, we do not have an office.
How do you integrate crypto? Currently, we do not integrate crypto.
We missed the wave and it didn't align with what we were doing. So it's not part of Capsule. You don't believe in crypto? Um, that has nothing to do with my beliefs. It just doesn't align with our sort of product or our mission.
What is AI? So AI is, you know, some people, I guess, debate that it's software that can basically, you know, I'd say the most common understanding what AI is machine learning.
And it's, you know, basically do tasks that were otherwise deep fakes, right? How many people currently pay for this? Let's call it limited iMovie. We have a few hundred paying customers, but we are very much focused on enterprise businesses. So for us, it's less about the number of customers and it's more about finding like the right customers at this stage. So we're the rich customers. Yeah, it's not just about that specifically. In your TechCrunch article, you say 90% of your revenue comes from the enterprise, but specifically an undeserved market of enterprise teams without video expertise that still need consistency in branding, without video expertise. So this is clearly only for the uncreative people sitting in HR or sales. Yeah, well, so I think to characterize them as uncreative is certainly not how we would do it.
But they benefit the most. They benefit the most.
The most uncreative, I can tell you from my experience. They barely believe computers exist, let alone NFTs. Yeah, well, we think that they actually are creative. They have the creative ideas. They just don't have the capabilities to translate those ideas into videos. So there's some pent up creativity there that we want to help unlock.
Wow. Give me an example of how somebody can use your software to create videos for his customers. Casual salesperson. Sure. They could get some of their top customers to record videos for them and then use Capsule to make those videos look great or compile a few videos together to make like a testimonial real team. So you can create an NFT testimonial with a few clicks? Yeah, sure, absolutely. I spent my valuable time designing convincing ads to sell my NFTs and you're telling me I could do this with a few clicks and create thousands of variations? Exactly. Makes me look stupid, doesn't it? Well, you should try it. Today, we're showing you a sneak peek at AI Studio, our brand new video editing tool that's going to achieve...
Let's talk about past achievements. You were previously with the startup Foto, which failed. Hypno failed. At what point did you look yourself in the mirror and thought, I have to start selling NFTs? Well, that thought never crossed my mind as the next step for me in my journey selling NFTs. So no, I've never gotten there.
But for the record, Hypno didn't fail. Hypno is still going strong. I'm no longer actively involved in it, but that company is still going.
What is your favorite programming language? My favorite programming language?
Let's talk about technology. Yeah. So I would say Python is currently my favorite, but I would say a close second, one language that I really appreciate is Go, Golang. And I think that that is maybe a little bit less. It just all depends on the use case, but I think it's a very elegant and efficient language. Ask me what mine is. Oh, yeah? Yes. What's your favorite? Again. What's your favorite programming language?
Rust.
Nice. The stack. What is the stack? Yeah.
Cloud video editing. Cloud. Cloud-based video editing pipeline.
And that is a C++ application. A lot of JavaScript and we use, I'll make sure, some of our apps use Vue.js, but we've been using React.js. One of our sort of back-end APIs is Ruby on Rails. What is Ruby on Rails? So Ruby is a programming language.
You were funded by very successful investors. Array Ventures, Bloomberg Beta, Arash from Dropbox, Kyle from Figma, Zahir from Shuvisi. Do you have the contacts of them? I would like to pitch them a very exciting new crypto project. I do have the contacts, yeah. And I can see who's currently investing in crypto.
After the interview? Yeah. I'll take a look. Okay. Thank you for joining me today. And one final question.
Have you heard of Quinoa coin? I have not.
How many followers do you have on Twitter? I am not on Twitter. You're not professionally as a company, personal, fake? Our company, yeah, of course. But I don't have any social accounts right now.
Yeah, thank you again for joining. Yeah, thank you.
Joseph was super pissed and didn't give us contacts to any of the investors. So I was ready to give up on my dream of becoming a Forbes listed billionaire and go back to my miserable crypto millionaire business. Now your tech business might have become everything you ever dreamed of. You have an HR, sales and creative department and all of your engineers were laid off. But one day your CEO comes into your cubicle and wants you to keep the product running.
Hello? Hey Bill, what's up? What's up? You have a problem. |
dropout | hardly_working_the_human_gif | Hey, Sam, you, uh, you called me? Fifteen times? Pat, I've been thinking about what you said.
About how Jifs are blowing up on the World Wide Net. And I have a proposal. College humor, Jifs. Uh, yeah, I think that's a great idea.
I can get in touch with some animators. Animator? No, no, no. Why would we do that when we have Josh? Hey! I've promoted Josh to senior Jif performer.
Uh, what does that mean? What does that mean?
Josh, show him. We're gonna be rich.
Okay, yeah, no, Sam, that's not how Jifs work. Jifs are like a series of photographs that you put into a computer and then loop it.
That sounds made up. Like maybe you were misled. I'm not calling you a liar.
The point is, why would we do that when we can have my man Josh here perform all of them? We'll just film it. Josh, do cereal. You got it, Sam. We just struck oil. I'm sorry, maybe I'm not actually getting this. We would, we wouldn't animate anything. We would just film Josh eating cereal over and over and over. Of course not, Pat. Josh and I have perfected over 300 unique Jifs. Do you want to say them? Not really.
Let's do a turn and point. Now point and smirk. The hat and smirk. Hands to the hair, aka cool guy.
Whose trumpet is this? This pinball machine took my money. My electric wheelchair is out of control. Marching band drummer starts too early.
And my personal favorite, cereal. Already did that one.
And last but not least, the get out of my face! Get out of my face!
There's no talking in Jifs, actually. Yeah, you don't want to touch those. They were sent from God. Okay, I admit this is, I don't know, impressive, but it's just not going to work, Sam. What are Jifs from movies? Josh can't do those. Those are huge.
Indiana Jones? Oh, we have an Indiana Jones one, Josh. Josh, do Indiana Jones.
You got it. I call this Indiana Jones and the Temple of Kicks. That's K-I-X. Like the breakfast cereal. Sam, I'm not trying to be negative, but, you know, Jifs are supposed to go on, like, endlessly.
You know? What are we going to do? Like, how Josh do this for, like...
Okay, welcome aboard. Alright! Enough! |
SaturdayNightLive | chapman_family_barbecue_snl | It's Memorial Day, May 31st, 2004, the annual Chapman Family Barbecue. it seems Mother Nature rented the outside for one of her showers. so we had to migrate to the basement. Oh! there she is, the Queen of Castle Chapman, my lady.
Ugh, Mike, turn that thing off. that camera always gets you so worked up. not as worked up as I'm getting from those capri-pans you're wearing, hum-ba, hum-ba, hum-ba, hum-ba, hum-ba. All right, let's get a look at this spread here. Grandma's deviled Eggs. what are those, M&ms? Good grief. Oh, what do we have here? a plate of my world's famous beer-battered brats. take a whiff of these, puppies. Oh, damn it! Oh, Mike, watch your language. the damn plate was greasy.
Yeah, well, you had that stupid camera in your hand. Trust me, it's not the camera's fault. this puppy's a Sony Digital 8 handicam, digital Zoom, stereo microphone.
Oh, come on, give us a wave.
I got cramps, dude. Oh, oh, ok. well, uh, how's my other daughter doing? we're on the same cycle. feels like my stomach's been slammed in a car door. gross. I'm glad. I'll never know how that feels.
Oh, really? you won't? you missed. Oh! damn it, kids, knock it the hell off.
So who's having fun? Oh, come on, this is a barbecue, not a funeral. let's see some smiles. that's better. All right, what's going on over here? hey, hey, Mom, Dad, look over here. Oh, well, hello there. hey, look at me.
Mike, I wanted to ask you, did you hear that Erica Jacoby had a baby on Tuesday? He doesn't know who that is. Sure he does. You know, Mark and Sue Woodward's daughter, Erica? Uh, yeah, kind of. Sure you do. Erica Jacoby, Mark and Sue Woodward's daughter. she used to be Erica Woodward, and she married that Jacoby boy. Is that right, John? he doesn't know her, Ok? Sure, Mark and Sue Woodward. you can say all the names you want. doesn't mean he doesn't know what you're talking about. Well, she had a little boy named Benjamin.
Joel, move it. this is Not a toy. I said, get your head out of the way. All right, you asked for it, you little son of a bit. Jeanie, Jamie, do something funny. it's May 31st, 2004. this camera's not a toy. your weird off was the best thing that ever happened to me. Damn it! John, John, John, John. Hilarious. we are now entering the tunnel. Oh, What the hell? Turn that damn thing off. I can't hear you, Dad. maybe I need to get closer, or farther away, or closer. you're going to break it. Oh, no, Dad, look out. it's an earthquake. Joel, Daniel, I am going to beat the snot out of you. Officers, it's not a domestic disturbance. he's 19. he can defend himself. Ok, Jamie, you shouldn't be taping this. damn it, Jamie, turn that off. Whoa, What? |
SaturdayNightLive | ayo_edebiri_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Ira Ojebari!
And I am so excited to be here. Snl means so much to me. this really is a dream come true. raised in Boston, which makes me the first black woman to ever admit that. yeah, three days into February and I'm already making black history. But no, I was raised in Boston by an immigrant family. we are both African and Caribbean, so you know what that means. I'm in therapy.
There were a lot of high expectations for all of us. A lot of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors, so while they were busy saving lives and teaching children, I was doing something equally noble. stand-up comedy shows in the backs of laundromats. I'm proud to say I'm the cousin who made the biggest turnaround, and no matter what happens, I will always have the approval of all Nigerian aunts and uncles across the world on Whatsapp. some of you might know me from a show called The Bear. it's about the kitchen staff at a Chicago restaurant, and it's such a fun show to work on. But when I got cast, I was told there was going to be a lot of research. before shooting the first season, we all had to work in actual restaurants so we could truly capture that kitchen energy. when people saw my co-star Jeremy Allen White working in the restaurant, they'd be like, whoa, that's Jeremy Allen White. he must be preparing for a role, So method. And when they saw me, they'd just be like, how much longer for my tilapia? Before all of this, I was a stand-up comic in New York City, writing jokes and doing open mics. that's every round of applause for open mics. But I really always wanted to do this show, and I just had so many ideas.
I actually once wrote a packet, but I didn't really have the nerve to submit it, and I printed it out. is that okay? If I just, I don't know, share some stuff?
Oh, my God. this is taking me back. Oh, okay, yeah. this one, I see right here. you guys know that sketch, Black Jeopardy? Yeah. So I wanted to do a sketch called White Jeopardy, which didn't work because it was just white people playing Jeopardy. Oh, okay, yeah. and then this one, just. I love a character with a catchphrase, you know? like, catchphrases work because anybody can say them and get a big reaction, And this one was, uh, hop on to it, nah. it's not that. it's not the worst, you know what I mean? anyone can say it, a cast member, a host. just like, imagine Keena, you know, being like, hop on to it, nah, you know? like, the Queen of England, just being like, hop on to it, nah. trademarking that tonight, Okay. yeah, I think we're done with this. burn it.
Genuinely, I am so excited for tonight. I came up in the New York Comedy Scene with some of my best friends, who I am so blessed to be working with here tonight, and it really, truly feels like a homecoming. And I think I've been up here long enough, so there's really only one thing left to say. let's hop on to it, nah. we've got a great show for you tonight. I am so excited to be here.
Snl means so much to me. this really is a dream come true. which makes me the first Black woman to ever admit that. yeah, three days into February, I'm already making black history. But no, I was raised in Boston by an immigrant family. we are both African and Caribbean, so you know what that means?
I'm in Therapy. There were a lot of high expectations for all of us. a lot of my cousins are doctors and lawyers, and lawyers and professors, So while they were busy saving lives and teaching children, I was doing something equally noble, stand-up comedy shows in the backs of laundromats. I'm proud to say I'm the cousin who made the biggest turnaround, and no matter what happens, I will always have the approval of all Nigerian aunts and uncles across the world on Whatsapp. some of you might know me from a show called the Bear. it's about the kitchen staff at a Chicago restaurant, and it's such a fun show to work on, But when I got cast, I was told there was gonna be a lot of research. before shooting the first season, we all had to work in actual restaurants so we could truly capture that kitchen energy. When people saw my co-star, Jeremy Allen White, working in the restaurant, they'd be like, whoa, that's Jeremy Allen White. he must be preparing for a role, So method.
And when they saw me, they'd just be like, how much longer for my tilapia?
Before all of this, I was a stand-up comic in New York City, writing jokes and doing open mics. Ever a round of applause for open mics. But I really always wanted to do this show, and I just had so many ideas.
I actually once wrote a packet, but I didn't really have the nerve to submit it, and I printed it out. Is that okay? If I just, I don't know, share some stuff?
Oh, my God, this is taking me back. Oh, okay, yeah, this one, I see right here. that's sketch.
Black Jeopardy, Yeah. So I wanted to do a sketch called White Jeopardy, which didn't work, because it was just white people playing Jeopardy. Oh, okay, yeah, and then this one, just, I love a character with a catchphrase, you know? like, catchphrases work, because anybody can say them, and they'll get a big reaction, And this one was a hup-bon to it, nah. it's not that, it's not the worst, you know what I mean? anyone could say it, a cast member, a host. just like, imagine Keena, you know, being like, hup-bon to it, nah, you know? like the Queen of England, just being like, Hup-bon to it, nah. trademarking that tonight, Okay. yeah, I think we're done with this.
Burn it.
Genuinely, I am so excited for tonight. I came up in the New York comedy scene with some of my best friends, who I am so blessed to be working with here tonight, and it really, truly feels like a homecoming, And I think I've been up here long enough, so there's really only one thing left to say. Let's Hup-bon to it, Nah. we've got a great champion. |
dropout | the_conservative_lorax | Way back in 600 Sniggly Sneeze, I was taking good care of the Truffula trees. I gave them fresh water and fed them fresh air. I planted new truffulas and grew them with care. I kept the trees safe from the axis the hack, so the Lorax and all of his friends would come back.
When all of a sudden, I heard a gazumber and a strange little man popped out of a gazumber. What's going on here? He said with a shout, what's the meaning of kicking these good axemen out?
But you're the Lorax, I said. You speak for the trees. I was, but that was before I read these. Atlas Shrugged and the Fed and the National Review. Not to mention a well-placed donation or two. Now I am the Lorax and I speak for free markets, so why are you making the Thneed Industry Targets? I'm trying to take care of the Truffula trees. Those trees are the one thing that all people need.
Won't you think of the poor little Wall Street tycoots, prancing so free in their Brooks Brothers suits? They risk their capital to finance the Thneed Co. If they don't make a profit, they all will go broke. The tycoots are the financial engine today. We need regulation to get out of their way. Why should I care for those fatty tycoots? I think they're greedy and all in cahoots.
I want the forest to be wild and free. You can't put a price on a Truffula tree. As a matter of fact, you can, to the scent. This park is maintained at Jack's payer expense. If it stays open, they'll be pounded to jam by the ovulous, groveless, ungulous sand. But isn't it worth a whole buck or two to save a green spot that all people can use?
Well, that's just it, boy. You've said more than you knew. Thneed Co. is a person, and it has rights, too. It's not fair to keep travelers for folks just like us when corporate entities love trees so much. And come now, my boy. We have bigger worries, like deficits, debt, and illegal ingurns. When Gramerica's facing real beasties like these, is our biggest concern really Truffula trees?
The Lorax was right. He was sharp as a tack. Who was I to hold the economy back? And then from the sky, I saw something fall.
The last Truffula seed. The last one of all. Unless someone like me cares a whole awful lot, nothing's ever going to get better.
It's not. Sorry, my boy, but that seed's GMO. It's patented property of Monsanto. |
TheOnion | A_V_Club_Pop_Pilgrims_Seattle_Kurt_Cobain_Park | When the AV Club travels, we always make time to visit pop culture landmarks. If something memorable happened in the world of film, TV, books or music, we want to go there. We're not just tourists, we're pop pilgrims.
The music that Kurt Cobain made with Nirvana, particularly 1991's genre-defining Nevermind, touched more people than the singer ever imagined it would. So it's no surprise that Nirvana fans make the trip to this bench, outside the suburban Seattle home where Cobain tragically took his own life in 1994 to pay tribute.
What can you tell us about where we're standing right now? This is a public space, right?
Yeah, this is a city park and it was a city park actually when Kurt bought the house which was in January of 1994. People think of this house kind of as a shrine but it's important to remember that Kurt lived here for approximately, you know, three and a half months. And what do you think was Kurt's motivation to buy a house like this in a neighborhood like this? Well, Kurt was a man of contradictions. There were many things that just didn't make sense. You know, this is a beautiful house and Kurt and Courtney liked old, gorgeous kind of gothic looking stuff.
And he was the most comfortable playing his guitar in a closet in the master bedroom? The house is huge but Kurt not only played guitar in the closet, often he slept in the closet when he was there.
I mean one of the saddest stories with this house is that that was the time he was most struggling from with drugs and Courtney and everyone was kind of telling him you have to stop so he occasionally would leave this beautiful multi-million dollar mansion and drive to a $14 a night hotel in a seedy area of Seattle so he could be by himself and caught up in his addiction. That says more about Kurt Cobain than looking at this piece of real estate. What do you think of the actual park we're standing in as a memorial? Kurt was seen a few times sitting on this bench in the era that he lived there. There still is something about the idea of a kind of lonely park bench under a big tree that kind of does feel appropriate for the melancholy nature of his music. It was estimated that maybe 10,000 people visit during a year.
His suicide is very troubling for people because I think the reason that these songs mean so much to people is that when people listen to him they feel that Kurt is writing these songs to them. With that comes a relationship. People feel they knew him even when they didn't. So his death to some degree many people feel is a personal betrayal. I think what people remember ultimately are those songs and I think the impact of that has risen and the controversial way he lived his lifestyle is maybe forgotten about. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_open_source_maintainer_in_2023 | The frustrating thing for the maintainers are all the PRs that aren't actually contributing any code, but are just fixing typos in the documentation or just rewrite the code. Nobody reads the document. Yeah, let's talk about open source.
Sure. Yes. Okay.
Yeah, I still do open source work in my free time. Deep into the night at 4 p.m. I will rant on Twitter about people not using dark mode in their screenshots. I don't want to tag them directly. I don't want to come around as toxic. Light mode screenshots. People just don't understand. I don't want to merge their horrible pull requests. They always say release version one. The software is not finished and then all the hate and the issues. I just don't read my mails now. That's the future of open source software. Yes, there is a bottleneck and the bottleneck is me. I like to go straight to my happy place where I'm in control. Let's see how much damage they did. Most feature requests I will block anyway and I don't read my mails. Most PRs are horrible. Now I have to work full time on this because if I don't commit every 24 minutes, the library is abandoned. That's the state of open source nowadays. I can't change it. My favorite part is people send me their feedback.
I still get emails like this framework is not good at all. Very bad. Very picky framework.
IRC. I was raised in IRC.
That boot camp desk come around and tell you you should use the latest and greatest design pattern. It doesn't fit any of our code style guides. I don't have the time for that. I have a full time job working on OSS software and people are embracing that nowadays. It started with open source. It fixed things in the documentation. Do you know how much time it cost me to read through all the issues?
I'm done. I'm done with open source.
Oh, there's another pull request. I went down 9,000 commits to see where it all went wrong with this thing called Google. Really just to blame people. Some of it is PTSD from Jira. Some of it is PTSD from JavaScript.
I had to block it in the router so that nobody in this apartment uses it. Yes, for me too. Try the coffee shop. I blocked it in the coffee shop as well. My favorite part is all the appreciation I get in emails.
Framework not good at all. Very bad. Very picky framework.
I don't care about people's opinion. For most people, open source is about building great software. For me, it's about abolishing capitalism by providing free solutions. No, leave the camera. People should hear this. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_james_carville_on_the_tea_party_saturday_night_live | But President Obama is facing criticism from the Tea Party organization after joking at a Miami fundraiser that they should be thanking him for major tax cuts. Here now to comment is political strategist, Mr. James Carville. Hello there! Now, Mr. Carville, Tea Party members were upset, pretty upset by President Obama poking fun at them.
Yeah, yeah, well, the whole thing just goes to show you that crazy people don't like to be teased. you know, they got no sense of humor. you're never gonna see Comedy Central roast of Charles Manson. No, he wouldn't get it. I mean, I have a sense of humor about myself. I know I look like a Cajun golem, and I know I scare babies, but I can laugh about it. you know? I'm sorry, you scare babies? do I scare? Yes, yes. Now look, if you got a baby at home, hold it up to the Tv. hold it up there. Okay, is it up there? you got a crying baby on your hands. Ha, ha! I can see how I'm gonna scare the baby. Yeah, that's fun. it's a good time. the point is to party people, you can't dress how you dress and not expect jokes. I mean, you're wearing colonial costumes, and sometimes not even the whole costume. tell me something, which founding father wore the tri-corner hat with an Orlando Magic jersey?
Well, they may look funny, but the rallies have attracted a major following. Following,: yeah, I've seen them on the Tv. How far in advance are they planning their rallies? You know, everyone looks like they had about four and a half minutes to make their signs. I mean, do they just get on the phone and say, hey, hey, we're having a rally, when? in 90 seconds, bring a sign.
No, James, what's your response to the recent study that shows most Tea party members are well educated in the highest income bracket? highest income bracket? No, you know, I don't believe that these people are the cream of the crop, No, no. they're more like the water on top of the yogurt. you know, when you open a yogurt and there's a foggy water there and you're like, come on. yogurt, be cool, where are you? Why are you getting so angry about yogurt? Because I'm crazy, but I can joke about it, you know. Hey, babies. James Conville, everyone. check that baby's diaper right there. good to see you, man. good to see you, James. good to see you, James. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_religious_cult_members_with_a_restaurant_review_saturday_night_live | Last week, a new restaurant called Le Jeudom opened here in Manhattan, and now here with a review of that restaurant, Two guys from a religious cult. the long dead rulers of the serpent kingdoms will open their maggot-encrusted eyes and emerge from their forgotten tombs at the unspeakable dawn of the sixth day to worship at the altar of the Dark Queen. you must join us inside the belly of Lucifer! The mocking laughter of the Betrayer reveals that the dead live, and those who think they are alive are only so in the twisted dreams of the insane. can't you smell the breath of the Hell beast? he waits for you in the slaughterhouse! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, There are two guys from a religious cult, I know you love that whole cult thing, but how about that new restaurant, is the food good or what? the foulness of Dark- die, you fornicators! the foulness of the obscene ones, And the deep-fire glimmers, And the Succubus, Murray Marr has arrived! coming off the fleshy underbellies of the Chosen, and the blood drips from the beaks of the vultures. you'll be in the blood of the Black Peas!
I command you! All right, all right, that's it. Look, I had a feeling this was going to happen, you know, and I'm going to have to go over your heads to get this restaurant review.
Ladies and gentlemen, live via satellite from an undisclosed location in the Tri-state area, the leader of the religious cult.
So, so your leadership, Now, did you enjoy dining at this restaurant? Would you recommend it?
The last time, tell us about this restaurant. service was adequate, the food was a bit pricey. alfredo sauce was a little too creamy! The peach-gob weekly was delightful. really? okay. so what's your overall recommendation then? Good neighbourhood, all right, two guys from a religious cult and their leader, ladies and gentlemen. |
dropout | the_crucial_man_all_things_female | This is The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hey there, I'm John Gabers. I'm here to give you all the crucial information you need to become a man, because chicks dig men. As a matter of fact, that's what we're talking about today. We're talking about the ladies. Welcome to The Crucial Man, presented by Philips Norelco. Hey, Gabers. My beautiful co-host, Lexi. Hello, hello. Today we're talking about ladies, and I'm more or less an expert.
Absolutely, okay. So what's the difference between a 34A and a 34C? The letters. I'm here learning all things women with Diana Falzone. What I don't understand fully is bra sizes, because when I think sizes, I don't think numbers and letters working in conjunction. The number indicates the actual size around. That's just going all around a woman's back and chest area. I'm trying to maintain eye contact while you're talking. Exactly. It's fair enough. The letters indicate the actual size of the cup, as I demonstrate. No, it's fine. Now, A actually is the smallest size. They even come in double As, but for the most part, it goes A through D. Over here we have a C. Now, a C, this is like a Victoria's Secrets model.
Guys like Cs.
That's what I've heard at least. Like, you know, you think motorboating.
Okay, for someone like me, I'm like a 34D. Now that I put that out there, I'm sure I'm going to get myself into some trouble. I'm sure I'm going to get myself into some trouble as well. All right, 34D.
I completely lost focus. My face is very warm for some reason.
These are like Burea strips. These are... Okay, no, no, no. You're going to be very embarrassed that you just did that on camera. This is called a sanitary napkin, folks, okay? This undoes itself and it goes onto a woman's underwear or panties, whatever you prefer to call. This would be for like a heavy flow. It's like the first or second day of a woman's menstrual cycle. I thought it was like a pad for playing sports with.
Let's just undo this because... Yeah, please. Okay. Now that's what they look like.
That's a tampon. This is cardboard, which for most women says, ouch, plastic applicator is their best man if you're going to go out and be the big man and get your girlfriend a box of tampons. Do not put cardboard inside of your girlfriend. No, no. Now, John, with a tampon, this is something that's insertable. So it's like a little cotton swab that she puts in.
So see? Sorry about that. That's how it looks in the string and she pulls it down. How am I supposed to be mad at a girl for being cranky when she has a rolled up sock inside of her? That's so sad. I'm so glad you're like empathetic. We took care of everything that is underneath dresses. Now, I want to buy a girl a dress. Okay.
But I don't know how sizes work because I'm a 38 and an XL. There's a very small size you can get for a woman that's a size zero that's like very diminutive, very tiny, or if you're dating like an image shaded supermodel, which by then... Sorry, I forgot who I'm rolling with right now. Anyway, but a size two is also like celebrity skinny, size four, celebrity skinny. Average American woman is about a size 10. So I would say, you know, most likely your girlfriend is going to be between a size four and a size six.
So height doesn't come into play at all? No, not really.
Young grasshopper, congratulations. You have just passed your first course in women basic studies. Oh, thank you, Sensei. You've been wonderful, Diana. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. Lexi, I learned a lot about women today and I kind of want to show off some of my skills.
All right. 34A. Okay, that's right. Size two dress. Yes.
And a light flow. A what? A heavy flow.
Okay, the guys don't need to mention that or know anything about that. Say no more. I'll give you your space. No cuddling. Let me just get out of your way. I'm not going to call it out.
You've been watching The Crucial Day, presented by Philips. |
dropout | gta_5_review_so_realistic_it_s_boring | Hey, it's Pat.
I got my hands on the new Grand Theft Auto 5 a day early. It's supposed to be the most realistic Grand Theft Auto yet, so I'm really excited to play it.
Let's blow some stuff up. All right, so I got my character here. I'm wearing trousers and a shirt. And now for the hat.
Hmm, okay, I guess I'm going to give it a little spin and a tilt and a little more tilt. A little more tilt. Oh, oop. That was too much tilt.
Okay, starting over. I went to drive my car straight into a bank, but the tire was flat. So now, as you can see, I'm changing the tire. I've re-screwed one, two, three, and four lug nuts. So now... Oh, wait, where is the fifth lug nut? God damn it. I rear-ended this guy like pow. So now we're exchanging insurance information. Emu-li-o.
You can actually buy and sell real estate in GTA 5, which is so cool, but I've been running this open house for a week, and no one is biting. I should probably pack up these shrimps. I just don't know what to do with this cocktail sauce.
I was playing golf, and I hit an epic drive into this swamp, so now I'm looking for my ball. Oh, sweet, a nickel. You know, 50 more of those, and I could just buy another ball.
You know, I cannot get the temperature right in this shower. Ow, ow, ow.
And I'm dead. I had sex with a prostitute, so now I'm getting an STD test. You have herpes.
Ah, here comes a minigame. Take these once a day for the rest of your life. Ooh, tough one.
So I was hunting in the woods, and I shot a deer, but as it turns out, it had a fawn. So now I'm raising this fawn.
Come on, Nelson. Come on. All right, so I'm finally ready to blow up this helicopter with a bazooka, and oh, Nelson, you have got to stop following me. Okay, buddy. Let's go home. Click me to subscribe if you like this video. Hey, let's go.
Quit plugging your channel. But it's all I have.
Please click me. Click me. Please click me. |
Wizards_with_Guns | terry_the_lobster_s_cook_off_extravaganza_ft_hillary_kitchen | Welcome to Hillary Kitchen's $10,000 Cook-Off Extravaganza, sponsored by True Korea. These three contestants will be competing to impress me with their culinary skills. For the first round, Jeremy, you have been eliminated.
I, uh, get out. What? I'm confused. I get out!
It's time to see who really knows their food. Which of these is my favorite meal?
It's that one. You have to say it. What? Say cheese? Oh! Gotcha. Oh, you are ugly in this. Oh well. Okay chefs, this time you'll have to prepare a lobster. Oh, okay.
A sandwich. My pet lobster Terry loves his sandwiches. Uh, Hillary, some of these tomatoes are made out of foam?
Oh, sorry. That's for my second job. You're a clown? Duh. For birthdays? No. For the circus? No.
Well then, what are you even a clown- Ah! Ah! Quit clowning around!
We got work to do. You have ten minutes to turn a raisin into a grape. You know that's impossible, right? Daniel did it. How?
But that's not even a grape. That's a grapefruit. Grapefruit? I thought grapes were a vegetable.
Oh, are those onions making you cry? Oh, you're gonna cry about the onion, boys? It's okay if you wanna cry, little baby. You're crying so much!
You killed my lobster! For the pizza round, you have to make one large pepperoni. Excuse me, what is this? It's a large pepperoni.
That's what you said. No! Daniel! Perfect.
It's just a slice of pepperoni. How is that pizza? It's a pizza pepperoni!
I just wanted you to know that if I were the judge of this competition, I would never let you win. But you are. Oh? Oh, what are you doing? Oh, I'm sorry. I must have misread this note. Poison.
Oh, how old was he? Isn't that a little too old to hire a crown? No, I know he's dead.
I'm sorry, it's like a two out of ten. You just walked up to me. And then you ate a booger. You didn't even... I'll see you in... Ten out of ten!
That's it? Uh... You win! Oh, really? You're disqualified. Hey folks, Hillary Kitchen here with a quick and easy recipe you can make at home. It's equal parts liking, subscribing and, say it with me now, cement. But, dammit. But, you are. Oh. It's not... |
dropout | making_bigoted_jokes_because_you_care | Did you just get a salad for lunch today? Yeah, I actually don't eat that much meat. That was your chance! Hey, I found something on my back.
Do you think it... I'm watching Paul and Jillian. I think they're about to take the next step in their relationship. Next step?
Didn't you guys use to date I thought Paul was gay? Oh, he is. They're just friends, but, you know. No. In every gay-straight relationship, there comes a point where the straight person tries to push the boundaries and says something jokingly homophobic.
How was your trip to New York? I went up to Queens. Did you go to Epic Garden?
Yes. No! You're supposed to say, oh, I thought you usually go down on Queens. Use your head! Wait, what are you talking about? Oh.
Well, for example, someone might use the word faggotron or call the person a come-drenched mistake of God. Someone once told me they hate all gay people because I was late for dinner. God, that's so fucked up. There's no way gay people like that.
Oh, we don't.
But if the friendship is strong enough, we'll laugh it off. That's why it's such an important step. It's the moment a person goes from being a homophobe to being a true friend. With homophobic tendencies. Sorry, it's my friend Dick. We're meeting up later. He can get really anal. I have a friend like that.
Oh, come on! I don't think all straight people do this. Sure they do. And it doesn't stop there.
Men do it to women. White people do it to black people. White people do it to Asian people. White people do it to Pacific Islanders. Wait. Men do it to women?
Is that why you called me a slut that time you saw me take my birth control? Exactly. I thought you were just being an asshole. I was. But I was being an asshole in a way that shows that our friendship is stronger than years of discrimination. I don't understand your experience, but I'm going to act like I do. Because I love you. Slut. Oh.
Now, come on. I'm sure she's going to do it any second. Let's watch. And most people eat it from the side, but it just tastes better like this. You're always showing me new perspectives on things. Oh, just do it already.
Ask him to see his grinder profile. Find out what his favorite kind of foreskin is. Find out if he's still broken up about B. Arthur dying. Say, hey, what smells like poppers. See how hard he's coming himself over the Will and Grace reunion. See what prostate tastes like.
Just do it. Get in his face. Do it. I just realized I have a meeting to go to.
Grant. Thank you. You get it. Right? I'm feeding you these lions. Come on. Give me something. You'll get there. It's fine. You'll get there. All right. Thanks, man. Hey, you're welcome.
Sorry. Whoa. You were right. I guess you're smarter than I thought you were. You jizz enthusiast. Yeah, we're not there yet. I am so sorry.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry. Guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | everyone_s_a_republican_on_tax_day | I couldn't believe I owed so much money again this year. I know. I got eaten alive on taxes.
Tax trouble, eh? Well, that can be a real hornet's nest. Who are you? Tucker P. Whiteman is the name, and I may just have a solution to your April 15th problem. Do you work for the IRS or something? Heavens, no. I work for the grandest tax relief organization of them all, the G.O.P., the Republican Party?
That's right, my boy. Republicans are Republican on tax day. They are? You betcha. Young Miss, isn't it shocking how much you owe greedy old Uncle Sam? It is. Careful, Lily. Imagine a world where you can take your tax money and do with it what you please. That sounds wonderful. Why, you could save it, or invest it, or give it to charity, or buy grenades. What? Give it to charity. Now, I know you young folks all think the Republican Party is a bunch of stuffy old funny days. Kind of. Well, there are lots of young Republicans who just want to save a little money and think that Sandy Hook was a false flag. Good God! Lily, I know taxes are a drag, but they pay for important things. Like what?
Uh, roads. Toll roads. Schools. Private schools.
Or the fire department. Now, listen here. If somebody can't afford their monthly fire bill, I can't help it. Yeah, why should I be responsible for putting out some freeloader's fire? If they leave the gas on, why shouldn't their house burn?
Lily! Well, that's the spirit. See, the grand old party is grand because you, sir? You madam, we'll keep what's yours. Yes, the pours are boars.
We'll hate wars and can't afford stores and act like whores, but the rich have a niche. Here's my pitch. We'll fix the glitch that makes our nation weak. I want you to keep your money.
Why don't you? Why don't I?
You can keep your money and you just have to let children die in cages. Stop this. This is horrible. These kinds of economics have never worked before, and not only that, you have to sign on to all the other shit the Republican Party stands for.
Are you really ready to do that? Well, how much money would I say? How much did you make last year? Like $50,000. Oh. Yeah, we don't give a fuck about you. $50,000? That's it? That's a lot.
I don't feel good. I have to...
Get the light off.
I'm just... It's the most I've ever made. Oh, God.
Is that true? Yes. Hey, it's Graham from College Humor. If you like that, check out Dropout, our subscription service where you can chat with the cast on an exclusive Dropout Discord. You'll get all sorts of behind the scenes information, like... Like... Huh?
Our desks do that.
That's... Well, I'm the Hollywood baby, you know? Oh. That's as high as it goes. |
SaturdayNightLive | trump_train_visit_cold_open_snl | You're watching C-span. Up next, former President Trump addresses residents of East Palestine, Ohio following this month's train derailment. it's wonderful to be here in the town of East Palestine. not a great name. but I had to come here and see these wonderful people who have been abandoned by Biden. he's on Spring Break in Ukraine with his friend Zelensky in the t-shirt. very disrespectful. Zelensky thinks he's rocking that ring of tea like Scott Pilgrim. But I'm here. And I brought hats, cameras and hats, because it's terrible What's happening here. You know, earlier today, a farmer came up to me, big fella, and he said, sir, we have nothing to eat because our dirt is poison. And I said, well, what are you doing eating the dirt? don't eat the dirt, folks. don't eat the dirt. you should be eating the cold Mcdonald's I brought you. And the bottled water, Trump Ice. I'll be honest, I just put my sticker on some Dasani. we like to say Dasani.
I've heard all about your situation with the water, but I was looking at your river and it's so shiny. I've never seen water so beautiful. beautiful rainbows and discolorations. it's great. it's wearing makeup, Fenty Beauty Water. Fenty by Rihanna. Rihanna, by the way, you know, she was pregnant doing Super Bowl. Can you believe that?
I said, of course she is. she's not moving at all. it was just arms, right? she was just doing arms the whole time. but your train exploded And who do we blame? Who do we blame? We blame Buttigieg. Deep Buttigieg. This was his responsibility. Unfortunately, he was too busy being a nerd and being gay to. dealt with the very much more important issue of should trains have big poison.
And I have to tell you, I call him Pete Butt. I call him Pete Butt. there's no way around it. that's just the best one. Believe me, I've tried it every which way and it really doesn't get better than Pete Butt.
But this would have never happened under my administration. people are saying I made the trains less safe. Not true, Okay? not true. I did a lot for trains. I made them bigger, faster, less safe, perhaps. But I'm here paying my respects because your train exploded and now your birds and fish are all dead. that's got to not be so great. wake up in the morning and not hear the beautiful chirping of birds and instead your train's exploding and derailing all over the place. your town is hurting. that's why you need me. I feel like I could.
Schitt's Creek This place, right? But I need the big eyebrows, right? That guy, Schitt's Creek, he's got big eyebrows. You watch Schitt's Creek? No. you guys watch Yellowstone, right?
The Dutties. Anyway, I have a very special surprise guest for you today. you've seen it blabbing all over Tv this week. it's the foreman of the Georgia Grand Jury investigating me, Miss Emily Kors. Oh, My. God. this is so cool. First Giuliani and now you. good day. she's an odd duck, but we like her. she's either seven or 40. we can't tell. And she's got a very big secret for such a kooky little lady. potentially. Oh, we don't like that. we don't like that sound because she knows if I'm getting indicted. she's an odd jerk, and you believe that. they elected her. they'll elect anyone. I started that. So, come on, spill the tea. come on. Nope. you just want me to ruin the case. But I guess I can say, um, we've been saying your name a lot. can you believe that? they almost had me, and then this little horse girl comes in and saves the day. thank you, Emily. yeah, they will. Oh, wow. do we like her or what, right? she looks like Haley Joel Osment, and she's my best friend.
Well, I'm gonna get out of here soon because the air is full of poison, But, you know, everyone in Ohio has asked me, what do I do now? there's poison gas in the air. could be a good thing, right? I know some of the husbands are happy to have the have the stinky gas as an excuse, right? How many did you pass gas? Well, it was the train. right? blame the train, right? you'd normally blame it on the dog, but they're all dead now, aren't they? So, in conclusion, Schitt's Creek, Rihanna, Peat Butt, and live from New York, it's Saturday Night! |
dropout | i_know_everything_about_anime_fans_vs_faves_pt_3 | From Skeksis to Hexis, nerds like a lot of things, but there's something they love above all else that is correcting people. This is Um, Actually. Joining us today, we have Allie Beardsley. Good tidings. We have Amy Borble. Hello. And our very special fan guest from Philadelphia, Jason Gaughan.
Thanks for having me. You have a lovely home. Oh, thank you very much. We've really done a lot with the place.
You know, if you're trying to figure out what to do with this wall. Well, you all know how this game works. You've been on here before, and you've presumably seen at least a couple episodes in order to make it here. If it's your first time watching this, I have here a stack of incorrect statements about the things you know and love. It's up to these contestants to find the thing that's wrong with it and correct me. All corrections must be preceded with the phrase, Um, Actually.
If you don't, I won't give you the point. And you can interrupt me whenever you want in my question. That's all there is to it.
How do you guys feel? Feeling good.
I'm just, I'm suspect of him. Oh, I don't, what is it about me? It's that I just met you and I don't know where your nerd-dums fall, and I don't want you to take away the win from me. Do you know exactly where my nerd-dums fall? No. Neither do I. That is a true wild card. For that reason, I'm not suspect of you. You've got this quiet confidence that I am, that's looming over there.
Let's jump right in then.
He appears as a yellow one-eyed triangle wearing a top hat and bow tie similar to the Eye of Providence symbol seen on the back of real $1 bills. Actually, it's the Eye of Agatosh. It's Dr. Strange's eye. And I know everything about anime. You are mixing up your eyes. So, that is incorrect. Jason. I'm actually Dr. Strange's Eye is the Eye of Agamotto, which I know isn't the answer to your question, but you just have to keep going.
I'm not gonna give you a point for correcting Amy. I'm gonna give you a point. Thank you. Allie.
Actually, he's not from the Nightmare Realm. Where is he from? You know, I wish I could tell you. I will give you the point, unless someone else could tell me. Tell me where he's from.
I'm actually the Cloud Realm. Incorrect. I'm actually the Dream Realm, because he's a Dream Demon. I'm actually Hell. No, none of these. And you've guessed too many anyway. I'm actually Hell.
Jason, you want to venture a guess? Yeah, actually, Bill Cipher is from the... He's from the same dimension that the other guy traveled into. I can't remember. Nightmare Realm sounds right. All right, I'm gonna give this to Allie then. Oh, you're way too proud of yourself than you should be. This decaf espresso. Bill Cipher originates from the second dimension. A flat...
Because he's a triangle.
And he's like, kind of the implication here is that he's like a cartoon trying to get into our world. Trying to escape into the real world.
That's a point for Allie. What was that? That was a point for Allie.
I took a sip, I couldn't quite hear you. All right, well, we'll, okay. You're getting awfully cocky. We'll see all of it. Oh, this espresso's almost gone. Okay, we're gonna move on to our second question here.
The Shadow Run tabletop game lets players choose from a variety of archetypes during character creation, including street samurai, rigor, decker, shaman, and face. Players also choose their characters' race from a variety of original sci-fi species that fit the cyberpunk setting of the game. Oh, actually, no, these characters are not cyberpunk at all. They're like fantasy. All over the place, you can be a troll, a gnome. You can be any version of race that your dumb brain comes up with. It's like a crazy list of races.
Did you say I'm actually? Ah! No, I'm truly asking.
I don't know. I can't remember. Great, great, okay. I forgot how much anxiety this show gave me. I got so caught up in it, I was like, I can't remember if you said it.
Oh, I know, it's like, sorry. That is correct, yes.
We're in a cyberpunk world, and still the races that you're playing us is like, orc, and like, what the hell? Yes, it's like a combo cyberpunk. You can enter the Matrix, basically, and then also it's fantasy, and there are spells and magic, but also tech.
So you're like, what's happening? But also all my dreams are coming true. Yeah, that sounds cool.
Have you played before? I've never played Shadowrun.
It's crunchy, it's crunchy. I'll check it out. I'll totally play. We'll play after this.
March 2019 saw the release of the latest MCU movie, Captain Marvel, and the latest DCEU movie, Shazam. Although the alien hero Shazam is now just called Shazam, in the comics he was originally called Captain Marvel. Meanwhile, yeah. Actually, Shazam is not like an alien hero.
That's correct. Hey!
He's like a wizard's superhero that he gives to a little boy that he can become that superhero by saying Shazam. He's not an alien, he's a 12-year-old boy who has his power.
Point for Jason, and so we are one, one, one, right? We're tied up just how I wanted it.
I'm after a little competition, slurp, slurp, slurp. How do I get one of those coffee cups?
Well, this next question is a new thing we're doing here. This is a fan question, so this is a question written by a fan sent in for you all to answer. Wow, did you write it?
Yeah. But I do know some of the fans, so maybe. So maybe they snuck you something? Yeah, maybe. All right, all right. I don't like that. Yeah, excuse me. This question comes to us from Kyra Amna.
My Hero Academia centers on a superhero high school whose students have abilities known as quirks. Examples include Ketsugi, whose combustible sweat is used to create explosions, Ochako, who can manipulate gravity, and the principal Nezu, who can transform into a humanoid animal. Jason. Actually, the principal doesn't transform into a humanoid animal. He just is like a dog mouse person.
That is correct. Yay! Ooh, wow. Nice.
I just thought, wait, dog mouse person. Yeah, he's actually an interesting thing because he, most of the show is about these humans who have these superpowers called quirks, but he was a dog already or an animal that got experimented on that gave him human intelligence as his quirk. So it's like, yeah, his ability is to be more human as far as everyone else is making their sweat explode.
Oh, wow. So he's kind of got a sad story. It is sad, yeah.
And he takes it out on his students, kind of. Like, he's a good teacher, but he tortures his students with his. That doesn't sound like a good teacher. No, he's a really good teacher. It's a whiplash situation. He tortures kids, yeah.
Great, well, that's another point for Jason. Cool, cool, cool. And this will bring us to our first shiny question of the game. What's that? It's down my mug now. All right, all right. Shiny questions, my shiny Pokemon. You're blowing my mind. Worked the same number of points, just a little bit different, a little bit rarer.
This is a new game we're playing called Always Pay Your Debts. On the other side of this board, there's going to be six characters and a type of currency. It'll be up to you to pay the character with the currency that would be appropriate for them for their world, if that makes sense. So go ahead and flip this over. So this is the match, the appropriate currency to the character who would accept that currency within their world.
Whoever can get the most correct will get the point. If there's a tie for most correct, then you'll both get the point.
I have no idea who this Victorian character is, but. You're lucked in?
Allie's locking it in. That was fast. It's like when you're in school and there's that person who finishes the test early and you're like, they either knew everything or they knew nothing. Yeah.
He'll give you one, you get a strap. He'll give you a one.
Okay. All right, are you, has everyone locked in? Yeah, I'll, yeah. We all lock it in. Buzz, buzz, buzz.
Cool, we will go down the line. We'll start with Allie. We'll work our way down. Allie, show us what you've got.
How are you paying these folks? All right, this is how I'm paying.
Okay. Victorian person. We're going to start off with Quaalude. Okay. Quaalude, good. This guy right here, Schmeckles, obviously, we all know that one. This one, Rio, from Naturo.
The Sims, so that word had Sims in it. She looks talented and gold dragon, a lot of dragons in Game of Thrones.
Okay, you didn't do too bad. Tell me these aren't flipped. Nevermind.
Yeah, we'll go down the line and then we'll reveal the answers here. Okay, I'm paying, I think this is Quoth from The Name of the Wind. I'm not sure. It is indeed. Okay, so this would be a silver talent. Schmeckles, I actually don't know this, but it feels like it's Rick and Morty and they name things like that. And then Rio, I have no idea. Simoleon, Quaalude, I don't know who that woman is, but it looks like she's saying Quaalude.
And then Tyrion accepts gold dragons. Very good. And Jason, let's see what you got. Cool, I didn't get those right, but I gave this dude, he looked strong and like he would fight dragons, so I gave him a gold dragon. Cool. And then Schmeckles from Rick and Morty. I gave Naruto a simoleon, because I don't watch that show. I gave these two eating breakfast a Rio. This lady seemed like an alien and a Quaalude seemed like an alien word. And then Tyrion, I gave the silver talent. Very good.
Okay, so it looks like, Jason, you got two of these correct by my count. Allie, I think you got four. And Amy, you got all of these right. Wow, that feels so good, that feels so good.
And that's it for this episode of Um, Actually. Um, Actually, it's not.
There's way more of this episode over on Dropout. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today.
I'll be right here. I'll be over there. I mean, I'll be in both places at once, because this is just, there's more, technology.
This is all anime. So. So let's flip it over. Let's see where my late night Google searching has gotten me. Yeah. |
dropout | your_drunk_dial_gets_animated_2 | This is Jody's Pizza, open from noon to 11 p.m. but we are closed now, alright? So leave a message. Okay, if you're sleeping in the pizza parlor right now, just do me a favor. Get some dough, get some meat toppings and make a pizza. I'm sure you know the exact directions. I'm starving.
I had a crazy night, man. We like close out TGI Fridays, which we can mudslides and grande mudslides. Some of us had like mudslide shots. A lot of dudes that I haven't seen in a long time in there. Mike, other Mike, Mike R, Mike D, Mike G, and then Johnny Y and Johnny O. You know, the twins. And then the craziest thing happened. You know who was at this TGI Fridays? Donald Faison, you know, the black guy from Scrubs?
I mean, not that I watched that movie, but you know, a high school girlfriend of mine did. Not a girl I dated in high school, but when I was in college I had a high school girlfriend.
Oh, shoot. Hold on. Earth is choking. Here you go.
He's just, you know, puked up a chicken bone on the floor. Luckily, it's next to a puddle of puke that was already there.
Oh, that reminds me. Just write this down real quick.
One pizza lover's pizza, cheese on the pizza, no cheese on the pizzas that are on the pizza. And then another pizza lover's pizza with no cheese on the pizza, but cheese on the pizzas that are on the pizza. I am lactose intolerant after all.
I think I have a buy one, get one free in here. So many goddamn receipts. This condom, you know, you probably don't want that. This other condom, this is the one I poke holes in. In case you think that woman is marriage material. There's a credit card in here. I don't have an American Express. Dr. Brian Gregorovius. What the fuck? I might have stolen a dude's identity by accident.
I can get pizza with this. Before now, I was just asking for pizza. Now, I'm offering money in exchange for pizza.
Just like a normal consumer would. Alright, so 63 Lindell. You can tell which house it is because there's a car on fire in front of it. |
SaturdayNightLive | barber_shop_talk_snl | And, oh, man, I still cannot believe that Kanye messed up all that money. he gonna lose $2 billion in a day. So he's using the Paper Shredder. mm-hmm. because it couldn't be me. I know, right?
Then he did all them damn interviews, making things worse and worse. You ain't got to say everything that you're thinking all the damn time. Exactly, man. he lost me when he put on that White Lives Matter shirt. right, right. Or when he said that mess about George Floyd. exactly. And his comments about Jewish people.
I mean, way off the mark. I ain't gonna lie. I was into the college dropout earlier today in the car. still sound good to me. Word,: this is gonna be hard for me to enjoy listening to Kanye for a while. same. that's why I settle my yeezys on fire. I mean, they're only sneakers, right? yeah. But, um, that Kyrie-ever stuff is a trip, right?
I mean, are they gonna let him play again or what? I heard they gave him, like, a list of things he's got to do before they let him back on the team. I stopped paying attention to that boy. when he said the word was flat. Exactly. or when he refused to take the vaccine. I mean, I can understand initial skepticism, but if the President of the United States says it's safe.
I'm still mad at my girl Stacey Abrams' loss. Thank you. like, how did she lose? I mean, but hersha walked, he gets a run-off. I mean, what is going on in Georgia? it's the Bible Belt, and this country will never progress until we separate God and politics. y'all heard your man got robbed last night?
Yep, I heard he took a $20,000 chain off his neck, too. Now, who would spend that much money on a necklace? man, you know what?
I finally watched that Dom thing they had on Netflix? Oh, that was so good, right? I mean, not. not good as in he's good. Just, I thought it provided some needed insights on some. I wish they made more shows that everybody could enjoy.
Ooh, like Atlanta. they're killing it this season. yeah, or Abbott Elementary. or Yellowstone. Yellow? What? Yellowstone. it's like the most streamed show in the world. Oh, is that right? Oh! oh, I guess it's already 605.
Well, that's it for my shift. Troy, thank you again for letting me work in your barber shop. it's all good, Phillip. don't you worry about a thing. hopefully tomorrow I'll get a customer. yeah, maybe, you know. I hope I didn't say anything that was too offensive to anybody. No, no, no, you're all good, Phillip. Man, thank you so much, and I will see you bright and early. Okay, all right. All right, well, you guys take care. I'll see you tomorrow. Okay, bye-bye.
Okay, fill up. All right, fill up.
All right. All right. these police ain't after them. shh. that's right. I was gonna say it can. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Gladys_Promise_A_Queanbeyan_Arrest_Australian_Club_Drama_More_June_18 | We've sent a bit of money over to his mother. We didn't pay him too much money to begin with so I'm not sure why she's asking us for any.
But uh sure let's make the most of a bad situation. My name's Clancy Overill editor of the Batutah Advocate joined of course by Errol Parker editor at large. How are you Errol? I'm good mate.
You know it's been a bit difficult without Wendell here but you know we've trudged along this week and I guess uh you know he's got his court appearance on what time is it now it's 2 30 in the morning on a Thursday here so I guess he's got court tomorrow doesn't he? It's on the 18th. Well I haven't actually been in touch with our court reporter about Wendell's court appearance we should send someone down though if not we'll send blowers. He should get bail anyway but I'll tell you who is not getting bail this week and it's the poor people of the dirty south.
And that's where we're going to start this weekly bulletin it's a direct quote from Gladys Berejiklian the New South Wales premier down there. Whatever went wrong here in terms of this latest outbreak rest assured no public servant will take responsibility for it. Yes hot mess Gladys fronted the media this morning in the harbour city to placate the denizens of Sydney after it became apparent that this latest outbreak was due to a failure of government policy. Flanked by a bespectacled breakfast sausage in a suit who claimed to be the health minister and some other long suffering public health expert Gladys told the people of New South Wales to relax. That's right she said and I quote whatever went wrong here the people of New South Wales can rest assured that no public servant will take responsibility for their failures or suffer the consequences of their ineptitude. We will find out what went wrong here and we will blame the victim and move on collectively as a state.
This man in Bondi who spread this thing all over will feel the full force of the law. He'll have his face splashed all over the front pages of every red top from Bega to Byron to Baronga to Burke. He will suffer.
It's pretty cold if you ask me but her honesty is a rule. Welcome change of tact. Absolutely I have to say now is not the time to be pointing fingers at those in charge of us that we pay a lot of money with our tax dollars. It's actually a time to tee off on the 60 plus year old men who work transporting people to and from the airport who haven't received their vaccination yet despite wanting to. No it's their fault and from one finger pointer to another which brings us to our next story.
A bloke in Queanbeyan at the Royal has been arrested by the New South Wales fixated persons unit for saying Barra is a fuckwit. Yes the New South Wales fixated persons unit have rushed to abuse some human rights in Queanbeyan today after a series of slightly derogatory marks about the New South Wales national leader John Barrallaro were made in the Royal Hotel beer garden this afternoon by a half-pissed semi-retired scaffolder named Nathan also known as Nathan to his mates. The comments made by Nathan revealed allegations of the New South Wales government being quote full of bloody crooks and were based off hundreds of so-called examples of the deputy premier being a quote corrupt bastard and that's what he was on about there and I guess he got pinged by the federal coppers. Yes Nathan said he decided to comply to this abuse of state power after speaking to his lawyer who informed him it would probably be a pretty bad idea if he and his mates decided to coward punch some police officers especially the jackboot cops that John Barrallaro sends whenever he feels like getting a bit Sir Joe with his abuses of power. We approached John Barrallaro for a comment but he was asleep after a big day being tuckered out from white anting Andrew Constance and organizing failed mutinies against Gladys Berejiklian. Yeah well if if if he doesn't do it someone else will if it's not an Andrew Constance who is it mate you know.
Anyway from one group of white ants to a bunch of white women the nation's rich white women left feeling like common Catholics as the Australian Club denies Sheila's. This news story confirms that sexism is on the rise in Australia once again it comes as the second highest caste of Australian elites have realized that the systemic discrimination is indeed not a thing of the past with this newly oppressed minority now complaining that they feel like they're being treated like common Catholics and Clancy as a member of the Australia Club how did you vote this week? I voted to keep it all men look mate when you're as lucky as I am in marriage sometimes you just want to be left alone on the inverse the Queen's Club up the road in Sydney is female only I don't want to join that club why do women want to join my club? Well the Diamantina Club started allowing women to join back in 2009 and the only change I noticed was the toilets downstairs got some bins put in that's about it mate anyway I think this news story that you know that dominated the major mastheads all week is a sickening reminder of how close the Australian media class is to these elite clubs whose strict class centric criteria rules out ninety nine point nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine percent of the population regardless of race or gender so in other words it's a bit of a non-issue. Exactly exactly but I'm sure we'll see a few more front pages on the nine Fairfax newspapers as everyone keeps getting text messages from their jaded friends.
Yep and speaking about irrelevant old women Scott Morrison met the Queen this week and he said holy crap you look much older in real life what the heck? Yes Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has once again gone rogue while traveling internationally without his media advisors in tow following a completely pointless trip to the G7 summit in Cornwall the PM visited Windsor Castle to see the Queen for a single cup of tea that meant more to him than anything else happening in the UK this week. However the Australian monarchist community are extremely disappointed with the Prime Minister's actions after the BBC reported that Scotty from marketing was thinking out loud again. During an exchange with Queen Elizabeth the second our head of state it became clear that Morrison's interest in the royal family is purely a branding exercise to help him lure voters in the hair salons of suburban Australia. Tell you what I wouldn't have picked the little Howard Sicker fan like Scott Watson to treat the Queen like a tuck shop mother maybe that's just how people show respect to their elders in Bronte who knows.
I guess we'll never know Clancy but we're moving on to our last story and it's back here in the Diamond Tainer a local man's Holden Trax has spontaneously combusted after a mechanic says it needs a new transmission. Yes another Holden Trax has caught fire in Batuta this one coming just days after a mechanic said it needed a new transmission. Since January up to a dozen Holden crap tevers and Trax's have been written off due to fire in the Batuta Shire and police have no idea why or how. Yeah this latest one being a Trax belonging to Mark and Deb Coleman. Mark told the advocate that his wife was complaining about the Holden bunny hopping and screaming so he went for a drive and he could immediately tell something was very wrong. Mark told our reporter and I quote sorry for the language it's a real pig of a thing that Trax. Yeah well it was anyway. I knew it was bad so I took it down the mechanics the other day and he said mate it needs a new transmission this one's fucked I'm surprised you even made it here and then I was all like ah for fuck's sake I've already done my ass on one Holden now this one is gonna fuck me even worse fuck me without a kiss so I took the keys back from the bloke and he knew what I was going to do anyway yeah so then he continued he said anyway I was simply driving it down the road this morning and the fucking thing just caught fire all it took was a pair of tin snips just made a few little cuts in the fuel line and away she went blokes were beeping their horns at me and luckily a policeman was there and he gave me a pat on the back just as I got out of the flaming cunt he said fuck me that was a close one and we both just kind of laughed and then the cop said mate these fucking Holden's are fucked anyway mate no wonder they went out of business and I reckon this must be the 10th or 11th Trax or Captiva I've seen catch fire this year and he laughed again he but he fucking knew what was up mate mate there's a lot of fucking dumb cops but fuck me there's some smart ones anyway I rang up the insurance company and they pretty much said you know we're waiting for your call about that fucking Trax of yours catching fire blah blah blah did you torch the cunt or what oh it just caught fire yeah right oh well have the pig toed to the nearest assessment center and we'll make sure you didn't torch the cunt because if you did we'll put the handcuffs on you and flog you half to death with socks full of sand and some dog chain yeah they certainly don't speak the Queen's English in Batutah do they wouldn't seem they do mate but that's all we've got time for in this week's weekly bulletin my name is Errol Parker have a lovely weekend everyone and I'll talk to you on Monday after the BBC reported that Scottie from marketing was thinking out loud again during an exchange with Queen Elizabeth the second our head of state it became clear that Morrison's interest in the royal family is purely a branding exercise to help him lure voters in the hair salons of suburban Australia tell you what I wouldn't have picked the little Howard sick of fan like Scott Watson to treat the Queen like a tuck shop mother maybe that's just how people show respect to their elders in Bronte who knows I guess we'll never know Clancy but we're moving on to our last story and it's back here in the diamond tainer a local man's Holden tracks has spontaneously combusted after a mechanic says it needs a new transmission yes another Holden tracks has caught fire in Batutah this one coming just days after a mechanic said it needed a new transmission since January up to a dozen Holden crap tevers and tracks has been written off due to fire in the Batutah Shire and police have no idea why or how yeah this latest one being a tracks belonging to Mark and Deb Coleman mark told the advocate that his wife was complaining about the Holden bunny hopping and screaming so he went for a drive and he could immediately tell something was very wrong mark told our report and I quote sorry for the language it's a real pig of a thing that tracks well it was anyway I knew it was bad so I took it down the mechanics the other day and he said mate it needs a new transmission this one's fucked I'm surprised you even made it here and then I was all like ah for fuck's sake I've already done my ass on one hold and now this one is gonna fuck me even worse fuck me without a kiss so I took the keys back from the bloke and he knew what I was going to do and anyway yeah so then he continued he said anyway I was simply driving it down the road this morning and the fucking thing just caught fire all it took was a pair of tin snips just made a few little cuts in the fuel on and away she went blokes were beeping their horns at me and luckily a policeman was there and he gave me a pat on the back just as I got out of the flaming can't he said fuck me that was a close one and we both just kind of laughed and then the cop said mate these fucking Holden's are fucked anyway mate no wonder they went out of business and I reckon this must be the 10th or 11 tracks or captiva I've seen catch fire this year and he laughed again he but he fucking knew what was up mate mate there's a lot of fucking dumb cops but fuck me there's some smart ones anyway I rang up the insurance company and they pretty much said you know we're waiting for your call about that fucking tracks of yours catching fire blah blah blah did you torch the kind of what oh it just caught fire yeah right I will have the pig toed to the nearest assessment center and we'll make sure you didn't torch the cunt because if you did we'll put the handcuffs on you and flog you half to death with socks full of sand and some dog chain yeah they certainly don't speak the Queen's English in Matilda do they I wouldn't seen they do mate but that's all we've got time for in this week's weekly bulletin my name is Errol Parker have a lovely weekend everyone and I'll talk to you on Monday |
cracked | elexploitation_9_shameless_ways_people_milked_the_election | Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode 2 of Crack TV, the only show with an incredible moniker hosted by an android from deep within the bowels of a government facility. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of People Screaming. How you doing today, Clippy? Hey, we've all been there, man. In accordance with a recent court mandate, today's topic is...
The nine lamest attempts to cash in on the election. As we knew November 4th with a crumbling economy, polarized voter base, and no new Tupac albums on the horizon, it's become apparent that quite a bit is rioting on this election. That's why it's comforting to know that even now, there are those out there who will set aside political differences to try and make a cheap buck off of some tacky bullshit. People like...
If you've ever tuned into a presidential debate and had the overwhelming urge to lick the screen, you might be powerfully insane. Or you might just be the imaginary market for Kai's Candies, McCain, and Obama lollipops, lickable treats featuring grotesque imitations of the human form. Seriously, they look like anime versions of a fat baby and black Jimmy Stewart. But not to worry, your deformed, retarded candies were each handmade by Japanese artisans using centuries-old candy-making techniques. You know what else is a centuries-old technique? Crepination. And it's about as appetizing as rubbing my tongue on McCain's face until it sluffs off into my mouth.
The group of people who would want to buy paper dolls of the candidates probably breaks down something like this. Little girls who are extremely political and can't use a computer printer. I add the last caveat because, and correct me if I'm wrong, paper doll enthusiast, but I'm pretty sure that I can print this image out and avoid paying $8 for a laser-printed sketch. The P2P paper doll networks will take over and bring down the whole industry. I just feel bad for renowned paper doll artist Tom Tierney, whose passion for drawing Obama as an effeminate Sears model will soon have no outlet.
Okay, so there's none living in Rome who's 106 years old and hasn't voted since 1952, just registered so that she could vote for Obama. I'm sorry, can I say something? This is a type of behavior that really pisses me off. It's a cheap, tawdry attempt to grab headlines by a sick media whore who is also a nun. What's your agenda? You say you want a leader with a good family life who has the ability to govern. You say Eastern people are not like us. That's all well and good, Cecilia, but why don't you tell us the truth?
Selling t-shirts emblazoned with whatever happens to be going on at the time is nothing new, but a few election-themed clothing items are lame enough and obvious enough to deserve mention. I give you the montage of crappy election clothing.
There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando. Wait, what? Jesus. What? Why? Why would you?
No! God damn it! Ahhhh!
Fellas, if you've ever wanted your junk to distend Sarah Palin's face or poke Barack Obama in the side of the head, you're in luck. And for you hardcore crack fans, don't worry, I already bought Dan the Palin thong. Alright, before we go into this one, I want to warn you guys, the side I'm about to show you contains glitter gifts.
Oh, and rhyming, and no less than two cringe-worthy slogans, four watches that are the wrist-bound equivalent of commemorative hockey plates and run you 30 bucks a pop, and a glaring use of the stereotypical urban font, which... am I the only one that finds that a teensy bit racist? The makers suggest that with their watches, you'll always know what time it is.
Time for a change. I have to ask, were the hands really necessary? I mean, it seems like a sticky note would have worked. Also, what are your human interactions like? Uh, excuse me, do you have the time? Time for a change! Yeah, but, uh, I have to catch a bus, so... time for a change... so... Time for a change!
West Wing Waffles attempts to cash in on the West Wing name, as well as the concept of political waffling, which, if you'll recall, was funny four years ago. Apparently, they had a lot of waffle mix left after making fun of Carrie, so rather than come up with a new product, they just changed the name to Obama Waffles and set up a new website. But don't worry, they still kept the Carrie art from 2004. Surprisingly, Obama's likeness appears nowhere on the waffles, since it's actually a waffle mix, which means that you're basically buying a box of waffle mix online for ten dollars.
What's wrong with you? You know, you're the type of person that'd buy moose-shaped pasta just because the box had a picture of Palin on it. Damn it. Well, at least it comes with a free superhero card. What?
That makes no sense! You make no sense, political waffle website! At least this tripe is ignored by all but the lowest forms of media.
Did anyone watch Saturday Night Live during the period after Tina Fey left but before she came back? I'm not saying that there are hundreds of sketches about Sarah Palin aren't funny. I'm just saying Amy Poehler's probably getting a little tired of playing a straight woman to the person she was supposed to be replacing.
Oh, and before you start accusing me of hypocrisy, until very recently, I had exactly one political piece on crack.com. It nominated Samuel L. Jackson for the presidency based on the following platform. In the last three months, I've written five political articles, live-blogged three debates, and devoted an entire episode of my new show to political merchandise. You know what else? I use gold bricks to polish my Porsche. It doesn't work very well, but fuck it, I've got twelve. But before you go blaming me... In the last thirty days, ten out of fifteen of the top-dug items involve the election. That's two-thirds, enough to override a presidential veto. As our editor put it in a company-wide memo, just slap McCain, Palin, and a third item of your choice together. I chose bacon, and guess what? So thank you, Dick, for telling us exactly what you want to hear. Here's to November 4th, when we'll go back to video games, movies, and anything that happened during the 90s, like, I don't know, ring pops? And remember, you can still get your very own Barack straight from the crack.com store for only $9.99. Buy two and get a free McCain. Clippy loves his, don't you, Clippy? Right, right, isn't that always the way? That does it for this week, folks. And remember, if you want to help pick next week's topic, just write your idea on a slip of paper, fold it horizontally eight times, tie it to the leg of a northbound carrier hawk, and await further instructions.
And if a shaman in a silver robe tries to get you to pay return postage, don't listen to him, it's a scam. I've been your host, Bob Michael Swain. Allow me to play you out. |
dropout | very_mary_kate_drinking_game | Your mocha laxative Crapaccino is ready. No need.
Today we're playing the Mary Kate drinking game. Mary Kate drinking game? You repeated what I said! Okay, what is the Mary Kate drinking game? Well, everyone, meaning me, gets a bottle of cherry rum to themselves, meaning me-self, and glugs whenever MK, me again, does something very Mary Kate.
Oh, I just got chills. Was this game created this morning? No, silly.
It's a long-standing tradition dating back to Olsen family gatherings of the early 1990s, back when rules were simple. Drink whenever there's an awkward pause in conversation. Pretty sure everyone plays that game. But over time, the rules became more complicated. Now, I'm the only one who knows them all. No one plays the me-dee game better than me. What are the rules? Oh my God, there are so many rules. Let's see.
Oh my God, I just said comment. Wait a sec. If you're creating the rules, and drinking whenever the rules apply, aren't you just drinking whenever you want? You saw right through me. You keep drinking like this, you're going to get drunk pretty fast.
That's what games that make so fun. Fun's the... That's what fun's the game so makes. That's what... How's... Makes... That's what the game is fun about.
You know what? Fuck it. You have the words. You make them a sentence. You rolled your eyes. Mary Kate. You said my name. Cut it out.
Full house quote.
You repeated what I said. Okay, fine. All right.
I'm going to stand here. Mary's still. I'm not doing anything. Fat professor's fat. You just said that to be able to drink.
You saw right through me. No. Oh no. You saw right through me.
Oh no. I'm puked. I'm going to be sick. Pew pew don't pass out if I pass out I have to drink if you pass that you can't pour it up I passed out now this game is terrible Pew pew pew you just said that at the end |
cracked | how_harry_potter_actually_became_a_muggle_con_artist_episode_2_of_3 | You all know the story of this special boy with a lightning bolt-shaped scar and the evil that he was destined to destroy But you don't know this story about a rad alternate timeline where he and his bud ran away to Mugglelands instead One bright wizard girl tried to fetch the boys back. Only they weren't boys anymore Long have you been there? Time is an illusion, is it not?
No! Oh, I thought it was! Oh!
Do you have a fork or anything? Define anything. A fork?
Ugh! I hate this meerkat shit.
Thank you. She's still here. Prophecy is clear. Only you can save us from both the...
Who? Vagina man. How do you know?
Did you even fight this motherfucker or just roll over and take it in the spell hole? How dare you! Many young men stepped forward hoping they'd been in his translation and that they could save us. Children who died fighting while you hid. What? Are you saying that all you threw at this guy was a bunch of creepy bussing boys? And we didn't just hide.
Same. I got LASIK. You know, new identification painstakingly. Took on this inconspicuous Los Angeles. Yeah, you blend in so well. Donny renounces gingerism. I share his choice. You know, gingivitis. Whatever.
Modeled himself after the number one Muggle American TV show. Aimed at males, aged 18 to 49. The Jersey Shore.
Poor choice. No going back now. I deeply regret the way I sound and act.
Oh! Also, may I say, it is frankly bullshit that America's not invited to the tribe with a tournament. We should do our own X Games version. Fucking witches with their teddies out and so forth. Disagree. So I'm gonna say on that subject.
What? Of your family? What, you mean the fat horrible people who kept me under the stairs?
Snakes killed them. Snakes? Yeah. Snakes killed them. I can talk to snakes. I owe snakes money.
Try not to connect the dots too much. Okay? Wait! If we aren't going to slay the evil one, then where are we going? And what are you even telling me all this?
Training. Donny, show her your special place. Sniffer of Cauli juice potion. Check. Two bags of grass. Dope. Five sheets of blotter acid and flu powder for the come down. Dope. Uppers.
Downers. Screamers. Laffers. Screamers with Harry Potter kind. Screamers with the screamers kind.
Dope flick. A vial of ether, in case we run out of mana. Aye, skin. It's for drugs. You've seen sight of house rules. Sextant. Sex. And a few dozen animals to put the edge on.
You have seen some of our tools, yes? But you know not our methods. Nor have you seen all of our tools. Dummy! Show her tools, she hasn't seen, will you?
This is a piece of invisibility cloak. It's a prank prototype. I stole it from my brothers. Has no practical use, but it do have a certain mythical quality to it, I think.
You follow, kid chameleon? It sounds like you're saying that you, the chosen wizard, the child of the prophecy, use stolen magic and low-level spells to call muggles. We're very good. You disgust me. You will then learn fast, because the only other way you're saying it our place is sexual favor-related, and his dick is invisible. Not the real one. I mean, sometimes. That's only because I got magic B.D. from sitting on a gnome's toilet. Observe and matriculate.
Hey, I got a question. What's like, you're a smart guy. What's like, on average, the right amount of chromosomes you're supposed to have. Like a guy like me, athletic body, occasional smoker. What's like the right amount I'm supposed to have? You lost me after I'm a smart guy.
All right. You good, sweetie, please? I didn't snake myself, I gave it to you real good. Oh, I didn't see you.
Good luck to you. Good luck. Hey, have some beer.
Do you like football? Is that what's on the telly? It looks awful. Nah, it's like quidditch, except the rules make sense. They still do quidditch? No, they banned it, because a bunch of beaters were getting brain damaged later in life. So what better export, really? Yeah, football's great.
Don, we have to get Jerry to change his ways. All the power in the world, and he uses it to con wiggles.
You can do a little bit of magic, so what? No big deal. Exactly. Without words or a wand or any training, that's something that only a natural can do.
But don't you ever wonder why you can't cost? You can't?
Fucking... Oh, you learn something new every day. Well, today. Jerry can make things the way that they were. His family might be dead, but don't you ever wonder what happened to yours?
Nah, I don't read those wizard papers. Magic guy pictures make me seasick. Plus we got TV news. Well, you should. And you should think about all the innocent witches and wizards struggling without the magic enslaved.
You are a downer, but I like how close we are. Want to see if I can put your hand in my mouth? I bet I can.
Oh, it's not just that. I hate it here. Wizards school did need to be shit about taxes or how to cook.
Mentors insurance.
Fika's a thing. You can look into Fika. You should look into Fika.
We have to convince Jerry to fulfill his duty whether he wants to or not. Whoa, whoa. You mean like Lidle? Look, I steal from the guy all the time, but this feels like a real betrayal, you know?
Oh, thank you. Done. Wait, how much? What kind? Done. Never mind. You only beat him up? No. All right, Kitten. Showtime.
Our marks are a couple over by the pool table. We've been winning all night. Shouldn't be hard to rope them into a game.
I'm pretty sure they think I'm some kind of drug-addled mania. Hahaha. Idiots.
What? Why'd you just go in to have sex with someone?
Mmm.
Fucking... Ta-da. Anyway, let's do it. Not so fast, witches of Lee Swick. Just watch. Done here. Work with me. Dang it. Ha ha, winner is still champion.
Yeah, you tell him, baby. Yeah, baby. Tell him.
Mmm? Tell him the one about praying. About how it goes. For what? The fall.
Legends. And make no mistake, my girlfriend having a friend and his girlfriend. We are those... Legends.
Oh! All right. Oh, come on! Come on!
They got it. They get it. Jesus Christ. Done. The wad.
What are we hearing? You know, like, it's big and green. Stick around for a couple of hours. I think you should do it. It's a lot of money.
I saw him do a coke in the bathroom. You sure you saw him do a coke in the bathroom?
I think we should get it. It's a lot of money. Care to make a wager? All right. You've got it back. I thought we might. Let's do yours.
Wait, what? No! That's impossible!
Re-rack!
Oh, hold on. Fuck that. Fuck all that.
My boy-rack's tight! Ain't his fault you can't penetrate. The boss didn't even know! Hey, maybe your man's weak to the floor. Have you ever thought of that, you know? Shouldn't have come down so hard on him when he caught him jerking it in the home office. How'd they know that?
Look, I don't know if I'm going to count this. Oh, well, little Donny here is not much for counting. Nope. But he can pull this number out of his ass.
Hit it, brother. And preach the gospel. Thanks. I guess he has stripes.
We got a welt here? A fucking welt? Just grape juice in this bottle? I've got to stop someone's fucking grapes to get some welt just for my friend?
Come on!
You lazy tiger! Listen, you don't want to get him left. Well, you listen here. You're not getting any of my money. All right, you're lucky I don't punch your lights out. Kill him, baby! You fucking cheated! Hey, careful there. I don't want to hit your girl. Don't go!
Oh, my God! Shit!
It's okay. I didn't mean to do that. I can tell you guys are going through a rough patch, man. There's no reason to piss yourself.
Rain! Make it rain, you dumb little bitch!
It's funny how I keep saying stuff. You know what happens? You know what I mean? What do you think might happen if I said you were going to give me some money, man, while I ran for the house?
Hey, everyone. Sorry about the ruckus. Sorry. Thanks for answering us. What, my boy? My money. All right. We're Oscar Mike.
We won't. See? Want me to dispatch? No, no, no, no. God no. You think there's something else for you. Maybe you get your head caught in things. We sue the owners. We'll brainstorm. Pool is our bread and butter, but our schemes are myriad and a tooth. One of them is we steal bread and butter. No. The point is, you could always be conning.
Watch this.
That was pretty crazy, huh? Did you see that? The bed wetter guy? What?
Hey. Give me your wallet, okay? Come on, Cheers. You know. No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay. Scoot on out of here. Go on. Get you, vulture. See? It's not easy. Show them the gun. They give me the money. I call that one muggling. You want to add that to the water? Yeah, sure.
Same deal as always. I get the cash and the plastic. Everything else is yours. I'm so close to a free set. I'm going to come over here.
Ow! Oh, so long. Hey, try not to definitely get pregnant next time you own.
What? Oh my God. What? She's like, what? What?
I can't really do that. Okay. I'm going to go settle up.
Sometimes if you stay around too long after doing that gun con, it backfires. No idea why. Cons is a mystery. It's like grammar.
Oh, boss, hold up. Let me come with you.
I think Stacey just cut one. Cut one of her thoughts, you know.
I got the nomenclature. I'm familiar. I'm trying everything. I washed asleep.
I made her eggs. You can give her the snake face. Oh, big hits. You're smitten. Here, let me at you some. You think I got a shot with her? What, like you trigger, render sex perch?
What's the angle? No, no angle.
Just me being me, you know? Nah. Barter's your best bet. Railway share. Somebody of that nature. Yeah, you're probably right. Hey, uh, pump for the roof. Oh, no? All right. Let's go then. Mmm. That was your yes?
What? If I got one, could you enunciate more? I can never understand what you're talking about. I'm sorry. I didn't get it. What was that? Oh, for me? I couldn't hold the fucker. What are you even saying right now? Well, I don't, what? You know what I want to get into?
I'm not your savior. All the wizards are probably slaves now and dead or something. Jerry can make things the way that they were. I'm not your savior.
All the power in the world, and he uses it to con muggles. Donnie, show her the gold.
All day! I'm not your savior. The way of a wizard in exile is to be as a shadow. All day!
If I don't get my magic back, I don't know what else you need. Have some beer. I'm not your savior. I'm pretty sure they think I'm some kind of drugging old lady.
All day!
I got a drink in my hand. Chugging in another one. I think that's my plan.
Yeah!
We killing it for show. A little fun. Don't spill it on the flow. No! We... |
SaturdayNightLive | laser_cats_snl_digital_short | Lauren, thank you so much for taking the time out to talk. you will not be sorry. I'm sure, what's up?
Bill and I stayed up all night brainstorming, and what we discovered is that there are two things that everyone loves. cats and lasers. that's right, cats and lasers. So we went out and shot a short film, all on our own, that's full of both. Cats and Lasers, and I gotta tell ya, it came out great. and I think it would be perfect for the show. I don't know, it doesn't sound good. Okay, that's fair. but I think you should watch it before you make any final decisions. in the future, there was a nuclear war, and because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of. laser cats!
Please! thanks for saving my life earlier today, Admiral Spaceship. I owe you one. as long as we have cats that shoot lasers out of their mouths, we'll be okay. Oh, geez, I'm getting a transmission from base. Hello? a princess has been kidnapped. Robotron. let's roll. Oh, I can't wait to get back to home. Thanks. Hey, we got us a bad guy. I got him, partner. Oh, my God.
Straight. Straight!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! there's the princess. time for some whiskey, Rob. Princess, you're being saved by us. now that we've rescued you, who would you say you like better Between the two of us? we're going to say nitro. Say nitro.
No, say that you don't have sex with all of us. say you don't have sex with all of us. What? Just. no, sit. that's enough. I had sex with both of you guys. let's get out of here. Well, partner, it looks like everything's going to be all right. You sit. guilty humans. We're here tonight.
Robotron. Oh, no! I'm out of ammo. take my spare. Looks like this was a one-way ticket, eh, Kimo Sabi?
Damn, these laser cats. No. not the laser cats.
Damn. us. you stay with me. you stay with. So, what do you think? get out. hey, sounds good. awesome. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Vichara_Edirisinghe_from_Astral_People | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show. My name is Clancy Overall, you know me by now. Today I'm joined by Effie Bateman as a co-host, now I should say cultural reporter, rapidly rising talent in The Batooter Advocate newsroom, already surpassed the eternal cadet Wendell Hussey who's been with us for nearly a decade. And today we're going to interview someone who's I guess more, when Effie threw this idea around I thought it was an interesting one but yes, as I'm about to make clear throughout this interview, much more up her alley as an arts and cultural commentator and journalist than it is mine as a regional, you know, a former stock and station agent tentboxer turned rural journalist.
Today's guest I guess is doing the good work, protecting the culture, creating culture, creating communities and creating bangers and spaces for us to dance. Vichara from Astral People, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having me.
Now, there's been some dark years for live music and music in general in this country. Melbourne obviously had the 300 days of lockdown, in the 90s Brisbane sold all of their pubs to Woolworths and got them turned into bottle shops. Poking machines ravaged through New South Wales and effectively ended pub rock as we knew it. And then of course in 2014, Barry O'Farrell's Lockout Laws came along.
You kind of popped up just before then with Astral People. Look, we've actually been running Astral People for 12 years now. So it was actually a few years before the Lockout Laws came in and I distinctly remember when they did come in and what a, you know, I guess what a stab in the heart that was when they did come in. Like, you know, especially as back then in those early days of Astral People, we didn't do so much live concert promoting like we do today. We were very much club promoters, you know.
And a lot of the income that we made from club nights was obviously on the door, late at night after 1 a.m. When people couldn't come into venues after that 1 or 1.30 a.m., I can't remember right now, it really killed a lot of our business. It pretty much wiped out, you know, 50% if not more of our income that we traditionally have on those nights. So, yeah, it was a really dark time and it kind of forced us to kind of think outside the box.
And, you know, I think a reason why I've come to the show today is to talk about, you know, the return of our series Summer Dance. Because funnily enough, it's funny that you mentioned the Lockout Laws because Summer Dance was actually created off the back of Lockout Laws coming in and we had to change our setup and move to more daytime parties in Sydney. When obviously the Lockout Laws came in, what did you end up pivoting into to stay afloat? So, that's when we started to get into more live concert promoting. And funnily enough, that's become the biggest side of our business. So, I mean, back then, you know, my business partner and I were really into like hip-hop and grime coming out of the UK at the time.
So, we decided to take a punt on some of the smaller artists at that time and some of those smaller artists included the likes of Stormzy, Dave, AJ Tracey, who were some pretty big names at the moment these days, you know. Yeah, the opposite of smaller artists. Yeah, so we took a punt on those in those early days because we were like, look, traditional club nights, they're running at late, you know. Normally, you know, from like 10 p.m. to 5 a.m. or whatever it might be, they don't work anymore in this format when people can't get into a venue after 1 or 1.30 a.m.
So, we kind of was like, okay, well, what else do we like at Ashfordville? We love doing the live stuff. We've dabbled in it previously, pre-lockdown. And we were like, look, let's keep our focus on this.
So, we, you know, started bringing out those artists and finally, you know, luckily and through some good work over the years, we've been able to kind of build them into, I guess, megastars to the level that they're at today. So, you get to be that sort of person who's like, oh, I knew this artist was going to make it. I knew before they were cool.
I don't know what it is.
I think a lot of it comes down to, I sometimes ask myself this, I'm like, it's really weird because it's, the Astral People has always been like a pure reflection on Tom and I's music taste. And so, for us to like, to be just like, hey, I really like this music, I'm going to bring it to Australia. And then for other people in Australia to also like that music and, you know, to see it develop over the years, and we've done that with a few different genres over the last 12 years, to see it kind of build. And when I really think about why, the core of why these artists are here, it's because literally, Tom and I just like listening to this music. It's a pretty special thing that we've been able to kind of take people on this ride a little bit over the years.
And I think for us as well, just believing in things from an early stage, and when we believe in it, we know how to sell it, we know how to promote it. It's like, you know, I guess with any industry, if you believe in the product that you're selling, then, you know, it's a lot easier to convince other people of it as well. So we thought we'd be pretty good at that.
Now, we've rushed into this interview with obviously me campaigning and rallying and making noise about Australia's Puritan culture and the nanny state that has restricted your line of work. We didn't get as far as introducing astral people to the punters out there that might not be across your work. Can you give us an elevator pitch of what it is, how it started, and where you were 2011 when it did first come to be?
Of course. So, yeah, as you said, Tom and I started Astral People. Yeah, 12 years ago now. We met at Dimitri's Pizza on Crown Street, had a few meetings there, and at the time I was doing a health science degree at uni. He was an accountant. Oh, wow, very different. Obviously makes a lot of sense, right? Yeah.
And he was managing just on the side a couple of artists. I was managing a couple of artists, and he, you know, came to me with this idea of like, hey, I'm going to start this management company. We also had an old business partner at that time as well, Lee. And he came to us and just was like, look, you know, you've got a couple of artists that you're managing, do you want to do this?
And pretty much in my last couple of years at university, I was promoting these club nights. And it was one thing that I was really good at getting people, getting people excited about, you know, these artists that I was promoting or getting people excited about these club nights that I was promoting.
And I just absolutely loved it. And I just knew that like my path as a physiotherapist was going to come to an end. And I basically wanted to, you know, move into music.
So when this opportunity came about, I just asked myself, like, hey, I've got to, you know, do I want to give this a shot? Am I going to regret it if I don't do it? The answer was yes.
So I just threw everything at it. You know, we we we rented a really shitty office in Roselle and we got things moving.
And what started as predominantly an artist management company at the time quickly evolved. We realized very quickly that the artists that we were managing at the time were making absolutely no money. And therefore we were making absolutely no money. So we had to diversify very quickly.
And so I kind of then brought in my event and touring experience from pre-Astral People days. Stuff that I was doing at university brought that into the fold.
So what are we talking about here in terms of making a dollar for your artists? Would you guide them through merchandise? Through through what?
Yeah, as a manager, you guide them through every aspect of their career. So that's through the you know, you're guiding the booking side of things, the timelines, the release strategy, the marketing. You're kind of overseeing everything you employ. You know, when artists get to a certain level, then we will employ other people to come on onto the project, whether it's their publicist booking agent, record label, whoever it might be. But we're still the ones that are overseeing everything, overseeing their career strategy. Now, I want to ask you, you're beaming with positivity and it sounds like you're just as into this as you were when you started it.
Do you ever get, you know, when you look at the arts in Australia, do you ever get disheartened? Because we look at some of those bands that pop off, you know, they pop off a bit more than a one hit wonder. But you couldn't even call them that because one hit wonders usually get commercial radio or commercial acknowledgement for at least one hit. How do you keep yourselves inspired and keep those artists inspired to keep doing what they're doing when you are effectively, you know, in a landscape of stale old tastemakers?
Look, that's a really interesting question. I can I can kind of answer it with just the life experience that I had.
So basically, you know, for the first four years of Asheville, Tom and myself, I think we're paying ourselves roughly about three hundred dollars a week and one hundred and sixty dollars a week was going to rent. So in Sydney, in Sydney. But that was back then when you buy, you know, get a room in a dodgy share house in Surrey. He was like 150 bucks. Yeah, doesn't exist anymore. So and I remember at that four year mark, we we had a couple of our management clients at the time making a little bit of money.
And I was like, OK, I've got to go see the world now. Like I've got a bit of money now. I'm going to go, you know, and I thought to myself, I was like, I'm going to go to Berlin.
I was really into techno at the time that was at the home of techno. And so I went to Berlin with this like hope of discovering, I guess, the sound and not learning more about it. But I really came back with this complete life moment of staying like, hang on a second. What we have in Australia is actually so much more interesting. Like I basically I found in Berlin that every venue that I would go to would be playing more or less kind of the same sort of music that wasn't. It didn't feel very like, you know, new and inventive for me. And then when I came back to Australia, what I realized very quickly was what we have here is so special because we are the most isolated country in the world. People here don't seem to follow trends that are happening overseas as you know, as quickly as the people on that side of the world do. And I just found that that to me was so inspiring to me when I went over there with this mission of discovering new music or discovering new scenes. It actually what it showed me was like, how good do we have it here? Because we're actually pushing the envelope with making music and coming up with new inventive sounds and ways of producing. And and it was, yeah, if anything, I found it more inspiring to be here than ever before.
So you kind of got a good yeah, you got a good insight like how Australians are weirdos and we definitely can't be pigeonholed. I'd say that, you know, that there is good evidence over that in the history of Australian music of, you know, record labels coming here to see what the hell is going on. Tame Impala is probably a good example of that. Whatever sound was coming out of Fremantle at that time and still to this day, hadn't been recreated elsewhere in the world and definitely wasn't part of a homogenous kind of template that you write. You do see in clubs and venues elsewhere in the world. You see people kind of conforming to a degree. Yeah.
What would you say is some of the more unique sounds you've heard in Australia and where do you find them? Are they where do they come from? Are they are they geographical for the sense, you know, we've got that that Newcastle grunge of silver chair in the 90s and you've got that Fremantle kind of psych rock. Is it geographic or is it usually people that lead this? No, I think there is I think geography does have a role to play here, because when you look at like I still remember like those early sounds of astral people, whether you're looking at artists like I think like the Collarbones, Black Vanilla, Kasia Seleg, where CK that was very much on the kind of like the weirder electronic R&B sort of tip.
And then you go down to a city like Melbourne, which is now just like so house and techno orientated. And that's a lot of a lot of the key labels and and promoters in that world all live from there as well. So I think geography definitely does have something to play in this. And that's the that's the that's the most amazing thing, right? It's like you come to Australia, you've already got this unique side to everything, especially like being so isolated and not being so influenced by what's happening with the mainstream overseas. But add to that, within that, you have all these sub pockets and they're all kind of divided up into different areas and cities. And yet it's just like I said, that whole experience with Berlin and this was like what now eight years ago, just like changed my whole possession of Australia and made me appreciate what we have here so much more.
I do remember that after the pandemic going out on the Gold Coast, because all these clubs had popped up because Queensland has obviously been a fair bit more open than the rest of the world. And I was out on the Goldie and I just couldn't understand what the fuck I was listening to because it was actually an exodus of Melbourne people playing their shit. And I was like, I've never heard anything like this in Queensland before. It's obviously a bit of a transplant of, you know, Melbourne's north side.
Oh, yeah. The Melbourne sound coming up to the Goldie. Yeah.
What could go wrong? What would you say some of the the sounds in Australia that you think are so unique?
I mean, what we're seeing, you said you were kind of into grime and drill, you know, early days. Yeah. That's obviously been something that's blown up in Australia in its own mutated Australian version. Have you seen any other sounds like that, that is so uniquely Australian that end up going, going big? Yeah, I think a lot of the stuff that was coming out of out of Melbourne, especially in those last like 10 years, like the records that like, you know, labels like animals dancing and butter sessions were putting out. They were very I felt like they had a bit of a quirkier edge to the techno sound, like it's almost like, you know, Australiana beats techno. And I really love that. Yeah. Look, obviously, like, you know, we've seen over the last like, you know, probably 15 years labels like modular when they kind of own that era of like cut copy. And like you mentioned before, Taming Parlour, Muscles, that was like a huge movement as well, the presets. And now we've kind of come into, you know, and then soon after that, it was like Future Classic with this more like the, you know, like artists like Chet Faker and Flume and like. So while it's not like completely defined with every label, I feel like there's these like these moments and these kind of anchor points throughout like the last 10, 15 years that you can really define as like, hey, this was like the sound of Australia at the time. And, you know, right now, today, we're kind of really going through that at the moment as well.
You're seeing, you know, there's definitely some some big bands that are doing their thing overseas, whether that's like the Flume or Taming Parlour, Rufus to Soul, you know, the King Gizzard, the list kind of goes on and they all sit in their own different pockets. So I can't really say like this is the one sound that's working from Australia at the moment, but it's just great to see Australian artists kind of doing, you know, headlining festivals overseas. I never thought that I would ever see that in my lifetime. I feel like you might have a bit of an inside perspective on this, because I've been having a bit of a whinge lately whenever I look at like the mainstream big music festivals in Australia. It seems to be that it's a lot of the same headliners and the same acts. And, you know, every year if we've got some international acts coming over, they tend to just say yes to every festival. And I feel like, you know, in the early 2000s, looking back at things like Big Day Out, you were getting so many international acts and there was a bit more diverse acts going on.
Why do you think that's changed? Look, I think people look, if I'm being honest and without being brutal. I mean, the death of Triple J has had a huge part to play in this. That's really brutal. What do you mean?
You know, obviously, like, you know, they've kind of I think that, you know, it's fallen off like before, when Triple J had such a stranglehold on like what was big in Australia, whereas that doesn't work since the introduction of Spotify and other DSP streaming platforms that has gone away. So Triple J had such a stranglehold on these artists, right? And so festivals could often book, especially like new up and coming local artists, and they would sell tickets based on the place that they were getting on Triple J. Unfortunately, that doesn't correlate anymore. So right now, festivals have to fill most of their line of you'll notice this more and more with more international artists than Australian artists and the Australian artists that do make it big, whether it was gang of youths last year, it's Ocean Alley this year. You know, these one or two acts that seem to blow up the headlines so suddenly you'll see them on every single festival.
And it's rinse and repeat. And it's it's it's it's a safety net.
You know, these festivals are putting up so much money. The cost of touring and just running an event has gone up at least 30 to 40 percent than pre COVID. So it's it's it is a really tough time to be running a festival. And you've kind of probably seen that reflected in ticket prices across the board as well. So festivals need to kind of like, you know, know that the international artists that they're booking are proven ticket sellers in the market or they think they're going to be proven ticket sellers in the market.
So I do I do empathize with them. And I think as well, like, you know, and this is a this is a great thing that's happened across the board, across the across the music industry. I guess there's so much more attention being paid to, you know, having a gender balanced lineup. So that's that's something that when I first started 12 years ago, that wasn't something that was like, you know, people were paying a lot of attention, paying a lot of attention to. And to see to see that happening now is like this amazing thing.
But at the same time, there's only so many there's there's so few artists in that sort of like, you know, especially like female artists that are selling lots of tickets. So all the same, the festivals are all going off of these artists as well. So it's it's it's kind of like this this this hard juggle where they're trying to find artists that are going to sell these tickets and trying to keep a gender balanced line up. But there is only such a small, small pool of these artists that actually exist out there. So, you know, I know you're saying like this. There's plenty of female artists out there, but we aren't yet at the point where there's female artists with runs on the boards as ticket sellers that would warrant their place on a lineup.
So we get the same ones over and over again. Exactly right. Yes, they're right. And the ones the ones and this is a worldwide thing.
So you have to understand as well, like why would an artist come out here, especially with our Australian dollar being so poor at the moment? Why, why, why would why would an artist from the States or Europe come all the way out here, play these shows when they're so in demand worldwide as well?
Like, you know, international festivals. So we it is tough. And it's really I don't envy being a festival right now. Put it that way. So it's interesting you're saying you've never seen that many Australian artists headlining overseas festivals, but in the same era, we've seen an effect on the festivals back home and Triple J and Channel V, I guess, to a degree back in the day could just put you know, there were two channels.
There was one on the TV and then one for kids. Anyway, there's one on TV and one on the radio.
And they would present. Sounds to people, and there was no competition, so people wouldn't be like, you know, you know that what's happening now is to be a bunch of kids who once upon a time would have been listening to Triple J go, Oh, I like that song. That's a bit different. I mean, it's all generation of young women now that listen to the same three Taylor Swift albums over and over again. Why would you do any different? You've got Spotify on your phone and you know, that's your favorite artist. Back in the day, you weren't really operating like that. And the blokes are the same.
You know, there's still there's guys listening to what bands they like and they're not really getting the opportunity to kind of expand the horizons because we don't have this authority on youth culture like Triple J once was. How are bands cutting through now and what is your job? What do you do to help bands pop off nowadays when they don't? You know, you can't just slide that CD to the right person who'll get it to Triple J anymore.
Absolutely. And even if you did like it's so interesting. Like I remember when like when we first started managing artists in those early days, we saw like pop a bottle of champagne every time we got a Triple J because it meant that that artist would go on to sell three to five hundred tickets in every city around Australia like that one.
That just does not really. Yeah, that does not.
That's the power of that radio station for such a long time. And I remember it was such a brutal process as well, like pitching music, because I didn't have we couldn't afford publicists or radio partners at the time.
So I used to take the CDs myself and I said, go, it's Triple J and get my little tag at ABC and walk upstairs and like, you know, literally like be like and you listen with the head music director. You listen to the music, like the song there on a CD. And, you know, he'll play it. And then basically tell you get fucked or like he kind of likes it. And then you go for the best watching their face.
It was such a brutal way of doing things, you know, and you know that that's changed so much. So I guess with our artists today, one thing that we I mean, and, you know, maybe this is a sad reality. But for us, whenever we talk to artists, we have to kind of, I guess, you know, let them know the the brutal reality of today.
And that is that music plays such a small part in this whole picture. You are right. As a music project now, you have to see yourself as a brand and not so much as just like the music side and hope for the best. Like, yes, there might be a couple of great stories with artists that just kind of want to follow their passion, the music and hope for the best and get picked up. But right now, there's so many other things that come with it that you need to, I guess, have a good grasp on. And that's obviously social media, the digital age, knowing how to communicate to fans. The way that you communicate with them is so important. Building communities with like minded artists. Those sort of things are so much more important than just, you know, having a good record, because there is so much good music, you know, coming out day to day. You know, there's thousands of songs getting submitted to Spotify every day. Like, what's going to make you stand out? And I guess try to change the perception of like, hey, yes, the music is one part. And he still is doing it right. So is the most important part. But there is so many other things that they have to nail as well. So the artists that we tend to gravitate actually towards is like, OK, if say, if I'm looking at two artists and they've got the exact same record, the ones that I'm going to obviously gravitate towards, the ones that are like kind of got social media down pat, know how to talk to their fans might have already built up a community of like minded artists around that project. That's kind of what I'm looking for at the moment. And that's what we're trying to encourage with these artists as well.
And it's kind of sad because it's like, you know, for a lot of artists, that doesn't come naturally. I mean, a lot of them have just been kind of sitting by themselves in their bedroom studios, making music. Exactly. Like, you know, do you think you can lose a lot of talent? Because I've seen, especially in the age of TikTok, artists like Doja Cat or Lil Nas X, they know what they're doing on TikTok, especially Lil Nas, like he used TikTok and read it to really pop off. But surely, like they're extroverted personalities, even like Peach Up, PRC, Australian, she's popped off because of TikTok. Surely there's got to be just some introverted people who don't know how, but are very talented, but they just don't know how to market themselves.
What's this mean for the Bob Dylan's of the world?
Yes, I know. And that's something that we're trying to find out. Look, I like to think in a great world, like, you know, good music will always find its way through. And look, like I said, the right timing, the right label behind you. And I think in the age of just like pure consumption on social media, like, you know, it's such it's the way people discover music. Like, you know, it's the way even like us as a music company promote our music is through digital advertising. So that's where you're consuming things. It's it's so important to, I guess, find what your pocket is.
And like I said, like if it's not through, you know, the social media side of things, it's through like collaboration with other like minded artists. It's through building communities, through like supporting other artists and kind of building a little niche like that. Like you see like groups of artists taking off like you saw very quickly. Like you kind of mentioned earlier there about like, you know, the drill scene in Australia, you saw one for takeoff and then suddenly you got a hooligan hefts and you got like HP boys and they kind of take this this whole new wave is kind of set up. And like those sort of scenes do exist, but you kind of have to tie yourself to those things to be able to do that. You know, like I said, there is there are some beautiful stories of artists kind of just making it and they're doing their thing and they're doing the minimal promo side of things. But if I'm being honest, it's that's a very small percentage of the artists that are making it today.
I mean, we all we all do know that we like we understand with streaming, even the consumer understands that there's formulas that are catering to them. You know, whether you're watching TV or with, you know, obviously, Paramount found fire with Yellowstone, right? Yeah.
Yellowstone struck a chord in the same way this new rise in country music struck a chord. For whatever reason, everyone was maybe it's a sexy cowboy. Yeah, but I think it's also I think the idea of great wide open spaces has appealed to a lot of people off the back of the pandemic, too. You know, I think Yellowstone and Luke Coombs or Brad Cox or whatever. But, you know, you can see once they've found something, we've got four different versions of Yellowstone now.
We've got different areas. We've got different generations. We've got that kind of stuff, too. So we can see, you know, we're being catered to, which was not always the case.
Once upon a time, it was. This is something you like and you do like it, not because it's been tailored to suit your exact interests at that moment in time. It's something that's weird and you know, it's good.
When was the last time you saw someone on stage? I'd like to think this happened recently. You saw someone on stage and said that person is going to be enormous no matter what, because you hear people say it about particularly in the hip hop scene when they first saw the kid, LeRoy. I still remember the buzz when that kid, you know, snuck out of the towers in Redfern and got on stage, you know, snuck into a nightclub. Everyone still talked about it. It wasn't that long ago, to be honest. But, you know, that's one example I can think of recently where everyone was like, oh, there's no denying that this is going to be big. I think there's been two artists, if I'm being honest with myself.
The first was Genesis Alusi. When I first saw Genesis Alusi, we booked him to support Cosmos Midnight at the time. And it was like they had two. Cosmos had two supports that night. Genesis Alusi was the opener. Half an hour slot. First thing went doors open.
He came out with like his whole squad. That was like, you know, he had his three. He had his three dancers there with him. He had his DJ.
And it was just like I looked at that. I was like, man, you are going to be a mega star.
Like, what are you doing? There is no one in this room. And there's like four of us. You're getting paid probably 300 bucks and you spent all that and then some for your bandmates and whatnot to make this happen.
And I looked at that and I just knew then and this was probably a few years, probably five years ago. And I was like, this guy's going to go somewhere. And luckily, we're still involved in the project on the touring side of things. And like seeing his growth and all the aria winds and stuff as well earlier has been amazing to watch that growth happen. Another one internationally is Omar Apolo. He's someone that we toured probably, I think, about three years ago. And I remember seeing him in a Sydney shot, Oxalar faction. I was like, you're going to be a star.
And it feels like it's kind of heading that way as well. Trying to think about who else kind of really blew my mind. I mean, we toured a lot of big... And that's the other thing, that's kind of a bit going back to my point, right? It's like a lot of the big stars that we've toured, I haven't really been left wanting more or thinking that that was one of the greatest, yeah, one of the greatest things I've ever seen. I mean, I think in terms of exciting music that I've been seeing is, like I was saying about the grime and hip hop side of things, one of the other scenes that we've really been championing a lot is kind of this new UK jazz fusion scene with artists like Yusef Days and Coco Rocco and Alpha Miss, Kamal Williams.
And that's, to me, kind of defies what's happening in terms of like a wider sense in the music industry, because those artists, when you look at their streaming artists, I mean, these are traditional, like kind of jazz fusion artists, like they're not streaming a lot, but for some reason, these shows are selling thousands of tickets across a market like Australia. Someone's live music can win. And so going back to your earlier point of like, if you don't have the digital marketing side, if you do not have the social media voice, just make sure your music's fucking good and your live show is even greater because people have so much less disposable income than ever before. And I've noticed that like, and ticket prices are more expensive than ever before. So the people that are, if you're gonna part with your money, you wanna make sure that you're getting the live experience. And funnily enough, going back to this last point is like, I've noticed as well, even this year, like when we've toured artists for the, we work with the same artists that we've toured say like 12 to 18 months ago, if that show wasn't like a standout blowout, absolutely memorable performance, we're finding that, you know, some of those shows this time around, even though there's new music out there, aren't selling as much. And all I can do is really put that down to, I guess, like the quality of the live experience that happened on that debut. Like, you know, is this warranting now people partying with another 70 to $90, you know, from their own income to attend these new shows when they've kind of already, I guess, seen it like a couple of years ago.
It's an interesting time and like anything, word of mouth also still reigns supreme. Like you've got your little Nas X where everyone heard about it because it was felt like a, in hindsight, it felt like some sort of social media campaign. It was, it was. But then you've got your Leon Bridges, you know what I mean? Your loyal Carnas who someone told you about, that's how you found them. Like that's not really something that you could market on social media because it's just not shocking. It's not, you know, it's just, it's nice.
Where would you see, you know, I mean, obviously you've got the cost of living crisis to worry about, you know, with artists touring. Where do you see the levers that can be pulled to kind of bring this, and I'm not asking you to run for politics here, but to bring us back to a kind of a golden age. Do you think it would be easier if pubs could just open up a beer garden? Do you reckon it would be easier if we could have a concert on Bondi Beach like they did in the nineties? So all the apartments that you see around venues, get rid of them. That's pretty much the answer, you know?
Because right now the issues that venues have, especially in New South Wales, but I'm sure across Australia have, is that- Noise. Noise. It's the biggest issue.
There is so much red tape. I mean, I've obviously got friends in the hospitality industry that have tried to open up bars and clubs over the last, you know, couple of years in Sydney. And it's honestly a nightmare. It's a nightmare process when I hear about what they have to go through and how much pushback they get and all the hoops they've got to jump through.
This does not foster a culture of, you know, supporting live music whatsoever. If anything, it's quite the opposite because then as well, what's happening is because the costs are so high of running these venues and to set up these venues, these venues have to make sure that these artists that are coming through their venues are ticket sellers, are headliners, are internationals. This same sort of philosophy applies to the festivals that we kind of spoke about earlier. There is no culture for these younger local artists to really come through. I mean, the last sort of, I mean, I'm a Sydney boy and the last great venue that was supporting, I guess, new bands coming through Australia and marketing them and giving them a leg up. And they gave our artists a big leg up in those early days was good called Small Club. But since that point, if I'm being honest, like there's just not really many avenues for new local artists to come through unless they come out of the gates firing on Spotify, on radio and they're, you know, and it's really hard for them to kind of get their, get their start. Whereas like, and even now where like, you know, like I said, like these venues are so dependent on big artists to kind of fill these rooms.
Like the times of these venues have changed so much as well that the idea of staying out late now in Sydney is, doesn't really happen with the younger generation. They don't really know how to stay out late.
Like they get to be, you know, now I noticed that- Well, so they can't afford it. Yeah, totally. And you know, I noticed as soon as the headline is finished now, like say like 12.31 AM, the room's empty.
So those slots afterwards that would normally be reserved for smaller up and coming artists to kind of nurture them and to kind of push them up to the next level, they're not really getting to play to anyone either. Cause people just don't have to, you know, people don't have the capacity to stay out late anymore. Yeah, they don't have the stamina. I guess lockout laws going into a pandemic probably did that. We've got a gen Y, a gen Z right now, I guess, who aren't familiar with the dark arts and aren't familiar with, you know, night walking as a generation before them.
I was talking to one of our younger interns actually the other day and I was, I think he's 24. And I just realized he was kind of talking to me. He was like, Vic, I've never been out in a club in Sydney past 1.30. And I was just like, what? You're 24. And to think about what I got up to when I was kind of like between that 18 to 24 bracket and like, but that's it.
Like, you know, they're just not used to kind of like being out late and therefore there's fewer slots for artists to play and therefore venues need more money in a shorter amount of time. So they've got bigger artists and yeah, it's kind of this cyclical effect, so. It is, it's an interesting one. I mean, it is easy as we said before, there's levers. You could pull, you could change the culture and then, you know, it's obviously in a government's best interest to get a 24 hour economy going, coming out of a pandemic that wasn't that long ago. It would be interesting to see you could, I mean, if we could just, first of all legislate against anyone who lives in a nightlife precinct from making noise complaints, that would probably help things. And you starting to see those 4 a.m. licenses come back across the cities.
You're obviously running the ball up on behalf of a lot of people, your artists and also the kids now, because, you know, we're all concerned about the kids that they don't know what it's like to, they don't know what it's like to- They don't know how to party. They don't know what it's like to walk out to the sunrise.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.
See the seagulls. What's happening this summer? It's gonna be a scorching summer.
Yep. What have you got planned?
So mate, we're bringing back our outdoor series summer dance and look, call us crazy. Like I remember when we used to run this series, it was an outdoor party. We used to do them all across the summers, you know, summer dance.
We were running it for about five years. We got to a point where, you know, things were going in a different direction with the company. We were kind of, like I said before, we were kind of entering more live touring concert space.
And then what happens is I became a dad this year. And I was like, you know, and when you become a dad, you kind of look inwards a little bit and you're like, hey, what made us us? And what do I want to do for me again?
Because we've got this, I've got this amazing company and I'm so proud of it. And we've been kicking so many goals on different fronts, but I also just like to dance in the sun.
And I feel like Sydney's made for that, right? When you think of Sydney, like why aren't there more outdoor parties? So this might be a stupid decision. Sydney might be a great decision, but look, we're bringing back the series and I want my baby boy's first dance to be at this party.
And so it will be across the summer period, running from October all the way through to the end of March, probably about nine to 10 parties in total. We've got some great internationals, some great local artists playing across there. It'll be the entertainment center across the series. So yeah, really looking forward to that. But besides that, heaps of tours, there's heaps of festivals that are happening that we're touring artists for, heaps of shows. And you know, I hope it is a good summer. And I hope, what I am looking forward to is, I am looking forward to hopefully the market correcting itself a little bit because I feel like post COVID we all came out and there was this huge boom.
All our tools were smashing.
I was like, this is easy. Like, you know, this is a walk in the park.
And so what every other promoter did across the country was just book more stuff and heaps more stuff and set up new festivals and new entities. And what we're seeing this year is that some things are working and some things aren't. And I feel like by next year, that's where the market kind of corrects itself. But what I'm looking forward to the most is the people that, the artists that lost the most post COVID, sadly were local artists because people felt like, especially here in Australia, oh, I've already seen those bands before during COVID time in some weird seated setting or whatever.
And so I want to see internationals. I want something, I want fresh, I want exciting. I want internationals.
And so international touring, boom, local artists were not doing the same numbers that they were doing pre COVID. So what I'm finding it's happening now, those local artists are slowly coming back. Some of the international tours are slowly declining and then we're kind of settling on this sort of market correction that that's about to take place.
So I'm looking forward to that. Hopefully taking place over the summer and into next year as well. Well, you've put the word out there. Anyone who's coming to Sydney, our listeners coming to Sydney, for whatever reason, could be the cricket, it could be a sporting event or it just could be to see friends and family. Make sure you stay at one of these summer sessions. Where are you going to be hosting them? Exactly. So we're going to the entertainment quarter in Moorpark.
We've got the Coach Bay at Liberty Hall where we're going to be doing day sessions from 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. And then we're going inside into Liberty Hall to dance until the early morning from 9 p.m. onwards.
So hopefully you guys can stay out. I'll do my best to try and keep you out there for as long as possible, but we'll see how we go. Well, we'll have to come down for a look, mate.
Yeah, I'd love to have you. Thanks for joining us, Vichara. Mate, loved it. Thanks for having me.
Power to live music and touring. It's going to correct itself. It's coming back. Sorry if you just bought yourself a Meriden shit box in the inner city. |
TheOnion | Oprah_Invites_Hundreds_Of_Lucky_Fans_To_Be_Buried_With_Her_In_Massive_Tomb | Big news coming out of the Oprah Winfrey show yesterday, the beloved talk show host made the announcement that she's going to invite fans to be buried along with her in her tomb upon her death. This is so exciting and joining us right now with the tales is our own entertainment reporter, Alex Blair.
Good morning, Alex. Hi there, guys. Hi, Alex.
Eternity with Oprah. What a treat.
Now, tell us how fans can get in on this. Well, it's simple, you guys.
The fans deemed worthy by Oprah's producers will be given a voucher for a one-way play ticket to Chicago to use on whatever day in the future Oprah eventually dies. There, they'll be embalmed and have their bodies purified and wrapped in cloth by Dr. Oz himself.
Wow. And then they'll be right in there with her in the main chamber. Yeah. Yep.
The audience will be arrayed in a semi-circle around Oprah's sarcophagus so that their souls can receive her wisdom even after death. And Oprah's going all out too, isn't she, outfitting the tomb with some of her favorite things?
That's right. There will be 450 pairs of Dream Time foot cozies and 80,000 bottles of Bliss Labs hand moisturizer which they will use in the afterlife. Right. It's gonna be called the Oprah Midian and it's being built right now by thousands of women who are excited for the chance to prove their devotion. That's right, Jim. About 10,000 of her most loyal fans have already started digging the foundation and quarrying the marble that will be needed to build the tomb under the supervision of Oprah's best friend, Gayle King. Of course.
Wow. Look at those ladies are working hard. They sent a camera crew to the construction site this morning.
I already burned offerings to Oprah on my shrine at home so this is a huge honor. I will follow Oprah into the next world.
I just hope that she's the one who administers the sleeping draft personally. Now I hear that Oprah had a lot of input on the design of the inner chamber. Yep. And it was also her idea to adorn the South Portico with a 60 foot tall sculpture of her thyroid to raise awareness of thyroid health for women. She thinks of everything. She does.
Well, Alex Blair, thank you so much for joining us as always. Thanks guys.
Pleading daytime talk show host, Maury Povich, also unveiled plans for his death today. His body's going to be dumped into a trash pile on New York's Staten Island. |
dropout | I_m_on_a_Diet_But_I_ll_Be_BAD | Thank you all for coming to my secret volcano lair. I've asked you all to join my cabal of evil.
Each of you was ambitious, cunning, and very bad. Doctor Nitrus Nefarious, chemist of death. General Dominic Machete Hands, bloodiest warlord in the world, with machetes for hands.
Jessica cheated on her diet. I've been bad. And the hacker known only as Naxo, whose plant of viruses is- Uh, I'm sorry.
I just, uh- What? Hm? What's, uh, what's Jessica's deal again?
Oh! Yeah, well, I'm on this, like, low-carb diet, which I have actually been doing really good on. Oh, congratulations. Oh, thank you.
But then my friend, she brought in cookies to work and she made them herself from scratch. And I know that she would have felt so bad if I did not have one, so I was like, you know what? I'm gonna be bad. And I ate it.
Jessica, no! No, stop!
You were doing so well though! I had a cookie. I was just like, fuck it. And I did it. Did you see?
Does that answer your question, General Machete Hands? Now, moving on, I've isolated all the nuclear silos in the world.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What the fuck? What?
I mean, she just, uh, ate a cookie, though, right? That she wasn't supposed to. Yeah. She's bad. I know!
No, stop it! You stop it! You, you first!
What the hell? Guys, I have to tell you something else. Last night, I ordered fries. I was out with the gals and I said, ladies, for this one night only, let's be bad. And we were. We ordered them and I said I was gonna split them, but you know I ate every last one.
They didn't stand a chance! That's against the rules you set for yourself!
Am I right? I love you guys! What the hell are y'all going on about? Is something wrong, General Machete Hands?
Perhaps you think that Jessica will make up for this misdeed by being extra good tomorrow. I can assure you that she will not. Sure. She says she'll be extra good and then it just never happens.
It's always another excuse. It's very bad. That's not bad! Everyone else here has done something bad.
Dr. Nefarious designed a gas that makes people's brains explode! Naxo rerouted money from Children's Hospitals to fund Mitch McConnell's election campaign. I kidnapped Special Agent Johnny Steele! You won't get away with this.
Right, and Jessica had seconds at dinner. I just don't see how Jessica's diet is at all comparable.
Probably because you're not a woman. The truth comes down. Would you not have a mother? Don't do that to me. I've been on diets before. I don't think you realize the pressure that society puts on women. I'm just going to sit out of this one, but maybe listen a little bit.
Look! This is bad! No, no, no! Jessica, don't eat that! That's so much sugar!
What? Oh, I got a chocolate! What is that? What do you have there? Please go for a dark chocolate one. I already had one. Oh, what? Oh, come on.
It was coconut and it was gross, so it doesn't even count. It's very surprisingly fatty, coconut.
Oh, really? Well, I got a surprise for you. In front of our very eyes, Jessica! Uh-oh!
That's two chocolates, Jessica! My diet is shot to **** now, so I'll just start again tomorrow. No, Jessica! Does anybody want some peanut butter s'mores?
I know I do. I'll see if there's something left for you guys. Well, you know what?
That actually, that is bad. That's really bad.
Hey, I got a question for you. Me? Yeah. Good. I've just been wondering. Mm-hmm. How do you pee? Hey, it's Mike Trapp.
If you like College Humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of adding guac to two burritos, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner. To chat with us live in the Dropout Discord, and get exclusive content like WTF 101. In the ocean there's guac. Sign up for your free trial today and learn why critics are saying, who are you? Why are you in my house? What the hell is Dropout?
Get out! I'm calling the cops. |
TheOnion | Joad_Cressbeckler_Denies_He_Incited_Mob_To_Drag_Congressman_Through_Briar_Patch | An update now on a legal battle emerging around The Onion News Network's own Jod Crespekler. After the shocking story yesterday that a group of assailants attacked Congressman William Cummings, tied him to a horse and dragged him through a briar patch, some are now saying these statements from Mr. Crespekler last week may have incited the attack. This bootlegging Congressman Cummings ought to be tied to a horse and drug through a briar patch. And Congressman Cummings appeared to implicate Crespekler shortly after the incident. They just kept coming at me and saying, Jod Crespekler told us to do this, and so we're doing it. Oh, dang briars. For more, we're joined by Onion News Network legal expert Andrew Sharp. Now Andrew, these accusations against Mr. Crespekler won't hold up in court, will they? No, I don't imagine they will. Mr. Crespekler's show is billed as an opinion and entertainment program.
Yes, it is. And he even calls himself nothing but a caterwauling old badger, so the claim that he would incite people to violence seems pretty far-fetched. But Congressman Cummings' camp is saying Jod's rhetoric was inflammatory, specifically the point in the segment where he displayed a map of Congressman Cummings' home in relation to the nearest briar patch, told his viewers where to purchase a, quote, good pulling horse, and used a life-size dummy of Congressman Cummings to demonstrate effective knot-tying techniques. Right. You know, I think most reasonable people would see that as simply a rippled political satire. Right. Briar patch is obviously a metaphor for the prickly political atmosphere in Washington, and drag from a horse means something else. Makes sense to me. But yet it seems the media is pegging him as some kind of a violent monster. Right. But if that were the case, then why were there zero instances of violence last weekend at Jod's rally to make sure someone physically drags Congressman Cummings through a briar patch? And then there's the fact that Jod actually sent a message of support to Congressman Cummings this morning. You know, he did.
Let's take a look at that again. Feel like I've been a little too tough on you before, and I'm fixin' to make a man, so come on and shake the hand of my little friendship twig. God, shake it! Now they're somehow managing to spin that act of kindness as a negative?
It really is truly amazing. It's remarkable.
All right, Andrew, thank you so much for your perspective. You are welcome. Thank you.
Moving on, a new study finds ancient deer may have been up to five times more interesting than modern deer. |
dropout | stop_saying_it_ruined_my_childhood_ | Oh, did you guys hear this? They're rebooting the Ghostbusters movie, but with none of the original cast members. Not even Bill Murray? Especially not Bill Murray.
Why does Hollywood keep fucking with the stuff I loved as a kid? Seriously, and I'm not exaggerating, this ruins my childhood. I was nine years old when the polio outbreak took away my dreams of being a ball player in the use of my legs. I'd say that more or less ruined my childhood. I saw the Michael Bay Ninja Turtles yesterday. Oh no. I thought my childhood couldn't get any more ruined when he ruined Transformers, and then he goes and gives the turtles noses and ruins them. Ow, my childhood hurts. I was denied the same education as white students. It ruined my childhood. Did you see the Robocop remake? It's just wrong. When my mom wasn't around, my old man would beat me instead.
Tell a cop. That bastard was a cop.
Have you seen the Simpsons intro recently? It's totally different. Worse? No. Different.
Why are they destroying? The whole village burned to the ground.
I knew it was wrong, but I was just a kid. Two weeks out of Saigon. After all these years, I'm still haunted by the images. Fucking Smurfs 3. And I grew up with that show. And now it's ruined. Hit the tin. I was a six-liff. Speaking of ruined, when I was visiting my parents, we saw the Giver movie. Oh my God. The Germans led my parents to Vanka, me to Anasa. I never saw them again.
They are raping our childhood. They raped my sister.
Ben Affleck is Batman. No, no, come on.
We're in public. Childhood equals ruined. He's really emotional. I'm important. Our childhoods were awful. I was born in this country 14 years ago. It is my home. But now the government is deporting my family. But I'm just a child.
What can I do? Huh? Oh, yeah, you can take this. We're done. What?
They're doing a live-action SpongeBob SquarePants. Oh my God. They're missing my childhood.
I'm done. |
cracked | spooky_facts_about_get_out_you_ve_never_heard | The movie was actually inspired by Rosemary's Baby and the Stepford Wives. Jordan Peele says that the entertaining way Get Out explores racial politics was inspired by the way those two movies tackled gender politics. The opening scene is littered with references to other movies. Peele says he wanted the neighborhood we see where Andre gets kidnapped to resemble the perfect white neighborhood from Halloween. The white Porsche in the opening scene is a reference to Jaws, Christine, and Dool. And when Andre gets lost, he says it's like a fucking hedge maze out here, which is a reference to The Shining. According to Peele, the sunken place represents the suspended animation of how we look at race in America and is symbolic of the lack of representation in the horror genre. He also purposely hired liberal icons Bradley Whitford and Catherine Keener to play the parents. And ooh, Bradley might have sincerely said that satirical line about voting for Obama three times to Jordan Peele at one point. I would've... There's a reference to The Shining's infamous Room 237 when Rod is at the airport trying to call Chris. There's an announcement for Flight 237 in the background. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_roast_snl | Oh, my god, we're going to beat the guy around. Hello. Dakota! what's up? Hi. how are you? we are such big fans.
Oh, my god. are you kidding? I've seen all your videos. Oh, my god. are you serious? yes. they're really not for me. What? not how I expected you to come in here. must be that dry sense of humor. we had an idea for you. yeah. one of us would play your boyfriend and. sorry. that's like the first funny thing you've ever said. that wasn't a joke. Oh. so is it like a make a wish thing? What? does my character have brain damage? did we do something to offend you? No. no. I mean, I've always wanted to meet the Lonelier Island.
All right. All right. it's like that. it's like that. Yeah, it's like that. Well, hey.
I've always wanted to meet the star of Madam Webb. can you introduce me to Sydney Sweeney? Madam Webb. What's her super power? is it whispering in monotone?
How does it feel to be in the least viral Taylor Swift video that she's ever had? So, genuinely, do you still have to audition, Or do they just give you the part as soon as Aubrey Plaza says no?
How does that work? I'm curious about that. you know, I can tell by just looking at you that you guys loved Hamilton. What? No. no, we do not. Well, hey, I love that you're still doing bangs. Very Obama first term. it's almost as funny as the movie you made that no one saw. if that more people saw it, then we'll see your new movie, Daddio. is Daddio who you called to get your job? you want to do this? you want to do the parent thing? Nope, not really.
Nepotruths. Nepotruths. a foot in the door and so much more. Ooh, ooh.
I didn't even know you guys did that. Look, I don't even know why we're insulting each other.
I'm genuinely a real fan of yours. like, I loved a bigger splash. yeah? yeah. is that what you had hoped it would make in the box office? Well, it's got you, idiot. Kud, what's it like looking like the last three guys a lesbian sleeps with before coming out? Nice. gonna have to do a lot better than that. this is my impression of the only line people will care about this show. ladies and gentlemen, Justin Timberlake. wait, what'd you say? sorry, I was just looking at your movies 42% on Rotten Tomatoes. I'm going to change the cue card so you say the N-word during your monologue.
I'm so sorry about that. I'm sorry, too.
I don't know why I said any of that, you guys. I was just trying to rib you guys. I don't know.
Oh, my god, that makes me feel better. Thank God. we're huge. we love you. huge fans of yours. Seriously, I think you guys are awesome. I've always loved workaholics. I hate you! How are you? we are such big fans.
Oh, my god, are you kidding? I've seen all your videos. Oh, my God, are you serious?
Yes, they're really not for me. What? not how I expected you to come in here. Must be that dry sense of humor. we had an idea for you. yeah, basically, one of us would play your boyfriend and. sorry, that's like the first funny thing you've ever said. that wasn't a joke. Oh, so is it like a make-a-wish thing? What? does my character have brain damage? did we do something to offend you? No. no, I mean, I've always wanted to meet the Lonelier Island.
All right. it's like that. Yeah, it's like that.
Well, hey, I've always wanted to meet the star of Madam Web. Can you introduce me to Sydney Sweeney? Madam Web, what's her super power?
Is it whispering and monotone? How does it feel to be in the least viral Taylor Swift video that she's ever had? So, genuinely, do you still have to audition, Or do they just give you the part as soon as Aubrey Plaza says no? How does that work? I'm curious about that. you know, I can tell by just looking at you that you guys loved Hamilton. What? No. no, we do not. Well, hey, I love that you're still doing bangs. Bury Obama first term. it's almost as funny as the movie you made that no one saw. if that more people saw it, then we'll see your new movie, Daddio. is Daddio who you called to get your job? You want to do this? you want to do the parent thing? nope, not really. nepotreuse? nepotreuse. a foot in the door and so much more. Ooh, ooh.
I didn't even know you guys do that. Look, I don't even know why we're insulting each other.
I'm genuinely a real fan of yours. like, I loved a bigger splash. yeah? yeah. is that what you had hoped it would make in the box office? let's go, you idiots! Hud, what's it like looking like the last three guys that the lesbian sleeps with before coming out? Nice. it's going to have to do a lot better than that. this is my impression of the only line people will care about this show. Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Timberlake. wait, what'd you say? sorry, I was just looking at your movies 42% on Rotten Tomatoes. I'm going to change the cue card so you say the N-word during your monologue.
I'm so sorry about that. I'm sorry too.
I don't know why I said any of that, you guys. I was just trying to rib you guys. I don't know.
Oh my god, that makes me feel better. we're huge fans of yours. Seriously, I think you guys are awesome. I've always loved workaholics.
I hate you! |
SaturdayNightLive | vincent_price_s_halloween_special_snl | You're watching Tv land at 11 on a Friday night. Think about good presents. Vincent Price's Halloween Special. Now, please welcome your host. Spawn of Moloch. Vincent Price. When the minions of Sam Hayne come back Guys, I'm not fully up yet. you got to keep pressing the thing to wreak havoc on the living.
And guys, wrong way, wrong way. Half, half, half, half, guys, Guys, what's going on? broken? seriously? fine, hold on a second. All right. Well, thank you all for guys. I'm out of staff it.
Thank you and welcome to my Halloween Special tonight! Prepare yourself for a night of spooks and scares as we have invited over some of our most famous friends for some tricks and also some treats. They've all agreed to wear costumes. so see if you could recognize them. Let's see who's at the door.
I'm a pirate pirate. I don't really see a lot of effort as far as dressing like a pirate goes. I thought we agreed you would wear a costume. I'm a pirate. can't you tell it's about the acting? I'm an actor. That's what I do. And when I say I'm a pirate, I'm a pirate. Ah, she's a pirate.
Price: My Jolly Roger was at full mass the whole drive over. Okay, very nice.
No Space Man costume, James. No, didn't even open the box. Too old-fashioned The suit was too old-fashioned. No, I had two old fashions and I couldn't open the box.
I've been drunk since 11 a.m.
Price please. James Family show understood. Say: where are the hall? Gloria: What's going on over there? Get off my pirate ship. Or the girl See Vincent?
Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable? I pissed myself on the way over here. Pretty numb down there. so I only know it when it hits my ankles.
Gloria: Another drink. No more drinks. No more drinks Please.
Now I'd like to introduce our most horrifying song, Smith Ladies and Gentlemen, The Ghost of Liberace. Thank You! Well before I start my song, I want to show you all something. This is a trick-or-treat bag that was given to me by the President of Argentina. and as you could see, it's covered in sapphires and topaz. Where's the ghost costume? Liberace ghost? I thought we agreed on Restoration France by way of Atlantic City. Save your sassy asides for your windowless bars. Now prepare your ears for a truly horrifying performance. I shall recite egg, or I'll impose the Raven while Liberace provides haunting accompaniment. Once upon a midnight reary while I pondered weak and weary over a many quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore. haunting Liberace haunting while I nodded nearly guys, is this music working for you Because it is not working for me?
Well, I have some issues with the lyrics. Yes, same here, Vincent. that's a real downer. Gloria and I could use something a bit more upbeat.
Do you know this one? There once was a girl named Regina. You don't even know it's going all the same. Vagina?
Wonderful. Let's move on to our pumpkin carving contest ready. Gloria And she's eaten the pumpkin. That's great. Yes, great.
Didn't want to throw the brakes on that, James. What can I say, Vincent? I've never seen anyone put something that big down so fast.
I have cool at Liberace Local Children, children. I'm reminding all of you children. especially all of you. All right, let's answer the door. Oh what are you supposed to be? Young lady? I'm a princess. Oh how adorable. And you young man. I imagine you're dressed as some brand of homosexual that makes two of us tell her to bring a lady friend for my friend Liberace over here.
Oh, I'm good. Oh thanks James. Now, I'm going to wake up in the morning with a house covered in toilet tissue. Let's wrap it up. You've just partaken in a celebration most foul or fan dozens and race. You wanna clear frame there? Wanna wander the earthly plane in search of vengeance upon the living and guys. I thought we had this thing fixed. Oh great.
I will have a happy Halloween everybody! This has been Vincent Price's Halloween special. Thanks for watching. |
cracked | 11_reasons_ferris_bueller_s_day_off_is_secretly_terrifying_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | Hello Internet, and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, the show that you in the comments and on tumblr often refer to as pop culture disorder, which doesn't even... come on guys. OPCD. The O is important. Anyway, I'm Daniel Bryan, and today's episode looks at...
Dammit! Oh! Oh Bryan! Oh!
Ferris did a lot in his day off, and I would never make anyone do math, but I will throw some numbers in the air. Admission to the Chicago Institute of Art is about $12 per person if you factor in the student discount. Baseball tickets for a Cubs game go from anywhere between $46 and $90, and those look like pretty decent seats, so let's put that cost on the high end.
They take a taxi at one point, they dine at a fancy restaurant eating fancy things like pancreas, which I've never had, but assume is expensive, and they keep Cameron's dad's car in a parking garage all day, which costs... money. Plus, Ferris tipped that one guy a Finsky on top. See what a Finsky can do to a guy's attitude? Ferris Bueller is a high school senior who has constantly been moaning the fact that he doesn't have a car, so where's his money coming from? Good question, me! According to an article I read on humor website Cracked.com, in the original script, it was revealed that Ferris stole the money that funds his day off from his father. Sick Ferris is on the phone with his dad, and casually brings up the savings bonds he knows his dad has stashed somewhere in the house. Ferris says, you work so hard, I bet you don't even remember where those bonds are, right? Which prompts his dad to say, like hell, they're in a shoe box in my closet. And Ferris turns to Cameron and says, the guy gave it up faster than a drunk Catholic girl.
Which, douche! You're already stealing from your father, and on top of that you want to belittle his integrity and call him the guy? Douche for days, Bueller. But the scene was cut, so maybe it should be omitted now. But, even so, if Ferris didn't rob his dad, that money still has to come from somewhere. Did he steal it from some other guy? Someone else's dad? Has he been hoarding it?
Knowing this day would come, meticulously planning everything like some kind of sociopa- HEY! Over time, Ferris has become sort of a patron saint of cool, modern enlightenment. He's about positivity, and fun, and living in the moment, and carpeting various DMs, including and especially DMs off. And his life moves pretty fast, so look at it once in a while, mantra, is still a go-to senior quote, even today, in whatever year this is. But hey, is he a sociopath?
When Ferris is trying to con his way into a fancy restaurant with his girlfriend and weird buddy, what does he say to the audience when he's been accused of going too far? You can never go too far. Yes, you freaking can go too far! When you involve people in your needlessly elaborate lie, and they're now legitimately afraid, that's too far, guy.
Also, I know how meat hierarchy goes, so I wouldn't dare speak for kings. But as the Sausage Duke of central New Jersey, I can say that I keep my reservations. That means the real Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago, will eventually show up at that restaurant. I'm Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago.
Ferris might be content rubbing a rabbit's foot and trusting that everything will always work out for everyone, but it's a shitty plan that could have easily backfired. Does he even care about his friends or anyone else in the world who isn't Ferris? Let's look at the scene where sick Ferris is talking to his dad. I'm so disappointed in Cameron. I'm probably not a sociopath, so I can't speak authoritatively on the subject, but I'm close, and even I know that there's something wrong with that interaction. It's not just that Ferris can fake being sick. He can seamlessly fake a genuine bonding moment with his dad who took time out of his day to call his son and check up, do a towel thing. It almost seemed like Ferris was being vulnerable and honest with his genuinely concerned dad, but nope. He was just putting on a voice and going through the motions while he was focused on Cameron the whole time. There's a popular fan theory that suggests that Ferris is a figment of Cameron's imagination, fight club style, but I actually think the reverse is true. There's lots of evidence in this movie that suggests it's all taking place in Ferris' head because he's the only one who matters and no one else's emotions enter in at all. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid is going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night.
Oh, you know him. Yeah, he's getting me out of summer school. If you're not over here in 15 minutes, you can find a new best friend. Those are not the words of a guy who is aware that other people exist and have feelings. And maybe he means he's a sociopath, or maybe it just means he exists in a world where nothing makes sense, which brings me to...
Hi, how you doing? Hi.
Ferris, feel it. Oh, look at that. Yeah, Ferris has to sprint home to maintain his ruse, but he's so cool that he can take time and chat at some biddies. Hooray for coolness. Couple things. What kind of sunbathing is that? Learn them. They're both completely in his shade. The sun is coming from behind them, creating a halo for the blonde girl. But other than that, I have no idea what they could be getting out of this experience.
We know that at the start of the movie, the temperature was great. It was in the upper 70s. But given the time of year, spring according to Wikipedia, the time of night almost six according to Sloan's Watch, and Ferris' outfit, jeans and a long sleeve jacket, I'm assuming it has since gotten a bit colder. It is, at the very least, cool enough that Ferris doesn't feel like taking off his warm-looking jacket or sweater vest, even while he's sprinting at top speed. These two women are wearing bathing suits outside in the shade facing away from the sun at one of the cooler times of day during a fairly cool, or at least not hot, time of year, and they have big beach towels.
Why? For the pool? What pool?
Are you telling me that this backyard has a pool that we can't see? Look at all that un-used real estate between the house and the chairs. Why wouldn't they put the pool there? How the crap deep is this yard?
This might seem like a departure, but I bring it up to reinforce the idea that the whole movie took place in Ferris' head, and also to reinforce the idea that he's a sociopath because... Hi, how you doing? Ferris, feel it. This scene happens almost immediately after Ferris kisses Sloan and says, I love you too. I love you too! Now he's trying to charm some lawn broads? Ferris, you have a girlfriend. A great one.
To the cameras of the world, a perfect woman. Sloan thinks you're gonna marry her. You said you would. You claim you love her. You made her lie about her grandmother's death just so you could have your f***ing day.
Give it together. She is beautiful and cool and puts up with your inability to grow up and sociopath behavior. A trait not all women share. Real talk. Don't throw that away for a couple of sunbathing maniacs who skip school to soak up some sweet shade.
Alliterative talk. Which brings us to the halfway point of the episode, which I think really sings. It's... We're out of time? We're almost...
Alright, fine. Uh... Lightning round. Cut. Uh... A predetermined and not at all arbitrary amount of time on the clock, and I will use that time to fire off every lingering question I have about this movie. Good. Go! Headache, fever, and chill.
Who sent the nurse prostitute to Ferris' house? His high school classmates were raising 50 G's because they thought they needed to buy him a new kidney. Do they have extra money to throw it in mid-day Chicagoan prostitutes?
Move on. Whose pool is that? If it's Ferris's, why doesn't he run it to Rooney or his sister? It's not cams, because cams live in the woods, and it's not Sloane's, because if it was, why don't you wear that weird nightshirt pajama thing in the pool? Why wouldn't she just wear a bathing suit? Move on.
Bueller. Ferris Bueller.
Why are you wearing a suit, guy? Because when you picked up Sloane, you're wearing a trench coat and a hat and sunglasses, making the suit not even visible, and you wore white t-shirts, sweater, and jacket throughout the rest of the day. So did you just wear the suit for your cool guy line?
So that's not what is in their family. No, Rooney! Follow up on that! You think Ferris is skipping school, so you travel all the hell god damn over Chicago, but you see Sloane making out with who you think is her father, and you're like, different strokes. No! It was bad.
When they were the taxi and saw Ferris's dad, why was leaving Sloane up a good cover? Has she not met Ferris's parents? Was she planning on never meeting them?
What's the end game of hitting on your boyfriend's married father? How many Bueller relationships would you like to ruin this afternoon? What's the first one?
According, is this a live band, or is he lip-syncing? Is the vocal track the only thing that's pre-recorded, or is the accordion the only thing that's live, because that's dumb, plus, man, we are just giving away celebratory sashes at this parade.
Are you all the mayor? Hey, Ferris, why don't you want us to see your face when you're watching your nutsack? We know what you're doing. We all know. You think we can't see you if you can't see us? If anything, you've drawn attention to your nutsack, because, like, I can't connect with you and look in your eyes, so what am I going to focus on?
Oh! There, we got it. You're blasting your nutsack. Can we? Ow!
I had a whole thing about how Sloan and Cameron were perfect together, and we're clearly going to end up together by the end of the movie, but I guess I will just die with that information. Join us next time, when our topic will be why SpongeBob SquarePants perfectly mirrors Dante's Inferno. There's no way I'm going to be able to prove that. Thanks again, Internet. I've been Daniel, by my f***ing book or whatever. Thanks. Oh, hi there. I hope you enjoyed that last video.
Please subscribe to our channel. Yeah, we have a lot of subscribers, but this isn't about them.
This is about you and me. Don't look at them. Look at me. It's just you and me. Forever. |
TheOnion | George_W_Bush_Debuts_New_Paintings_Of_Dogs_Friends_Ghost_Of_Iraqi_Child_That_Follows_Him | George W. Bush may be retired from politics, but he's keeping busy with his new hobby of painting. Today, the Picasso-in-Chief tweeted his latest picture, a turkey sandwich and glass of lemonade in front of the ghost of the Iraqi child that follows him everywhere. Rebecca Mera has been following the painting potus' flourishing art career.
He's pretty good, Rebecca. Yeah, well Rachel, Bush doesn't claim to be a great artist. But as he put it, not bad for an old man, huh? Not bad at all.
He likes painting simple things he sees in everyday life, like his dogs, that dead Iraqi child, his bathroom. Well, the first paintings we saw were of Bush in the shower. He has an eye for quiet, intimate moments. It's really a revealing glimpse into what Bush's day-to-day life is like now that he's out of the Oval Office. Well, I personally like the way that he uses mirrors to create a picture within a picture. He's got a natural flair. His self-portraits really capture the former president's playful personality. And you can see that Bush's art is improving over time. If you take a look, at first he could barely draw the Iraqi child's transparent hands, but now they look much more realistic. Much more. You know, I'm not surprised that he's getting better.
Bush practices constantly, sometimes turning out 40 to 50 paintings in a day. And Laura Bush says he's more focused than ever, locks himself away for hours at a time and won't talk to anyone while he's painting. Yeah, he's even started painting in his sleep. You know, he said he doesn't remember doing that one. He takes a painting lesson every week, too, doesn't he?
Yeah, that's right. You know, this new landscape has got to be my favorite. Wow. Well, I think he did a pretty good job. Yeah, it's Bush's view from his Crawford Ranch. He says this is where he's most at peace.
Well, I certainly can't paint that well.
Thanks, Rebecca. Makes you wonder if history will look back on Bush as a politician or the next Rembrandt. Up next, a study found that drinking red wine once a day can help the body get hammered. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_When_Harry_Met_Sally | Yes, yes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh God. I'll have what she's having.
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's cinema classic segment, I'll be looking at When Harry Met Sally, Nora Ephron's 1989 romantic comedy that's widely regarded as the gold standard of the genre, and a film I personally find okay, but nonetheless give my highest recommendation, because if I don't, my wife will fucking kill me. Starring Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan in what my wife describes as their creative peak, When Harry Met Sally follows the lives of two starkly different personalities, facing the hurdles of love and heartbreak in New York City. The film's enduring popularity is a testament to how some people really like watching this kind of thing.
Not me, but not relevant.
When the titular couple first meet in a cross-country car ride, it's anything but love at first sight, as they clash over Harry's fateful argument that men and women can never truly be just friends. Men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
It's a sequence that some filmgoers might feel could be edited down to half its length. I wouldn't say that, obviously, because when this review finishes, I'm going to go home and have to face the woman I've been married to for 25 years, and she loves this movie. So, yeah, the sequence is really awesome. Many critics have pointed to Crystal and Ryan's budding chemistry in scenes like these as the film's greatest strength. I would call that chemistry nearly nonexistent if I could, but if I do that, my wife will accuse me of undervaluing rom-coms, because they're not masculine enough, which is, I guess, her way of calling me sexist.
You know who the real sexist is? This prick, right here. If I treated my wife the way Harry treats Sally, she'd leave me in a heartbeat.
Honestly, here I am, putting my reputation as a professional film critic on the line, and do I get any credit? No. Look, what am I supposed to say here? That when Harry met Sally is great, a masterpiece? Sure. I'll say it's Lawrence of Arabia.
If that's what somebody needs to hear to realize her husband actually, believe it or not, cares what she thinks. In perhaps the film's most iconic sequence, Harry, unable to catch a cab on New Year's Eve, must sprint across town to profess his love to Sally. This doesn't really have anything to do with my review, but it's my wife's favorite scene. It makes her cry every time, so I'm sure she'd like to see it. And you know what, while we're at it, can we also put on Hugh Grant in About a Boy? My wife loves him. Thanks.
Ultimately, a worse husband, or a more honest film critic, might call Rob Reiner's direction serviceable at best, or deride the script as a cheap, Annie Hall knockoff. But who am I to quibble? The wrong thing to say here would be that I'm a professional film critic with 40 years of experience, and she's a fucking high school guidance counselor.
But obviously, I'm not going to say that. So there you go.
All right, honey, it's a great movie. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal.
Husband actually, believe it or not, cares what she thinks. In perhaps the film's most iconic sequence, Harry, unable to catch a cab on New Year's Eve, sprint across town to profess his love to Sally. This doesn't really have anything to do with my review, but it's my wife's favorite scene. It makes her cry every time, so I'm sure she'd like to see it. And you know what, while we're at it, can we also put on Hugh Grant in About a Boy? My wife loves him. Thanks.
Ultimately, a worse husband, or a more honest film critic, might call Rob Reiner's direction serviceable at best, or deride the script as a cheap Annie Hall knockoff. But who am I to quibble? The wrong thing to say here would be that I'm a professional film critic with 40 years of experience, and she's a fucking high school guidance counselor.
But obviously, I'm not going to say that. So there you go.
All right, honey, it's a great movie. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
TheOnion | Simple_Ways_To_Hack_Your_Breadstick_Troublehacking_with_Drew_Cleary | Hey guys, today I'm going to show you how to hack breadsticks. Now we all love breadsticks, we eat a ton of them. There's even a new unlimited breadstick bowl program at the Olive Garden that the internet is going nuts about. But today I'm going to show you some interesting things to do with breadsticks that most people don't even know about.
Here I have a breadstick taped to an index card, so it goes in and out of your pocket much easier. Not only do you get the advantage of an index card, but no more broken breadsticks when it goes in your pocket. No more rats clawing at your jeans when you wake up in the morning. It's a simple hack that most people won't even take the time to do. All you have to do is simply tape it to the back of the index card like so.
If you have tape residue on the breadstick, don't worry, you can digest it. But if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you can just rub two breadsticks together. See? The first layer of the bread just shaves right off. Here's something you can do to make eating breadsticks more fun. As you can see, I put the breadstick between my lips and it acted like a cigarette.
I always think I look at the penguin when I do this. Hey, I'm the penguin. Actually, I don't really remember what the penguin acted like.
That was Danny DeVito in that movie. Seems so silly in retrospect. Here's something that I thought of while drinking a margarita.
This is a way to spice up your breadsticks. Now, first, you want to put it in your mouth and get your saliva all over it, like so. Make sure it really gets all over. Great. Now, you want to take a dish and fill it with your favorite spice. I'm using paprika here. Huh. Wow. Look, it's just clinging right to it. Make sure not to use too much. Oh my God. ethnic food. Great. Okay, this is the last hack I'm going to show you.
I'm constantly having to remember phone numbers on the fly. Well, breadsticks can be used for that. Say I have to remember the phone number 554-4103, but I don't have a pen. All you have to do is take a breadstick and break it into nubs, like so, or use some sick nubs from the bag that we made last week and count out the number. Each pile represents a different digit in the phone number, five, five, four, four, one, zero. Oh, and for zero, I use four full-size breadsticks and shape them into a zero, three. Easy phone number.
You'll never forget it again. Well, that's my hack. Enjoy your breadsticks. Bye-bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | president_biden_midterms_address_cold_open_snl | And now, a message from the President of the United States. this Tuesday, our midterm elections will determine the fate of our democracy, and let's just say, big yikes. what's going on? I guess the Democrats' message just ain't getting through.
Plus, I'm over here talking to people who don't exist. that don't help much. who's there? Or nobody's there. folks, I'm trying like hell, I promise. I'm on the Peloton every morning, tempting fate.
I passed that big-ass infrastructure bill, remember that? $65 billion. A lot of your Red State types finally got broadband internet so you can share your Paul Pelosi gay erotic fiction at light speed. which, by the way, your right wingers sure do love thinking up these gay little scenarios. kind of sus. But look, I get it. I'm no spring chicken. but people at rallies are yelling at Obama, calling him hot. how do you think that makes me feel? do yourself a favor. Google Young Joe Biden. and start a bubble bath.
You guys think I'm boring now? Well, I can do crazy stuff, too. I'll scare myself.
But listen, folks, that's a problem. we don't have any stars anymore. too many Raphael Warnocks and not enough Herschel Walkers. which is why we're going to make some last-minute changes before Tuesday with the Democrats, who are exciting. got that sizzle. For example, hey, California, sick of Adam Schiff. we'll meet your next Congresswoman. she ran for President back in 2020 and loves a good crystal. it's Mary Ann Williamson. Sauther, in Level 4, enchantress. I am ready to fight for the American Dream, which I caught in this Tibetan singing bowl. that sounds cool. America's next defense against a dark arts teacher, folks. I don't like Dr. Oz. this next guy's got political experience. he was the Mayor of Flavortown for over 20 years. Guy Fieri. hungry for change, But do you all want Dr. Oz's crudity?
Or a full plate of paid family leave tripping in donkey sauce? Full throttle. Whoo! One right there. dream job. dream job.
Hi, Tv. I may be a former adult star currently on season seven of the Surreal Life, but I'm willing to debase myself and enter U.s. politics. I can work with anyone, and I'm willing to reach around the aisle to get things done. Yeah. I think it's Reach across the aisle. Yeah, sure. you do you. talented actress.
Now, introducing someone who's going to beat Marco Rubio because she's not afraid to fight. she's your next Senator from Florida, Azealia Banks. I'm a bitch, bitch. Okay. finally, people got mad at me about student loan forgiveness.
Well, he's in charge of it now. Tracy Morgan. won't you come on over here and rub my belly? Thank you, Tracy.
And everybody, get up here. get up here, everybody. there they are, your new democratic candidates. All right, team. So what do we want? the truth about the mountains. I kind of want some sugar-free white castle. when do we want it? I mean, in my mind, it's like whenever you good, gay baby girl. All right. let's go, team. we're going to be fine.
And live from New York, it's Saturday night! |
dropout | the_girl_who_can_t_let_things_go_hardly_working | Yes! What happened? Sorry, it's just, this book is really funny. Cooking without looking, it's a Shane Crown book. It's really good. Oh, nice. I had to check it out sometime. Wow.
Look who's recommending books to who? Not this again. Because I seem to recall a day. You just can't get over this, can you? When you asked if anybody had a bookmark. It was six months ago. I didn't happen to hear you, so I asked, what was that? To which you replied. Have you never read a book before?
Stop! I'm just innocent little baby angel. Please!
I wasn't wearing a tuxedo, and it was a dumb joke from six months ago. I'm sorry, six months?
Wow, I wish I could read a calendar. It must be nice to always know what day it is.
Katie, you've brought up this dumb joke every day since. You're reading too much into it. Reading? But how could that be true? I thought I couldn't read at all. You know what I mean, I was being sarcastic. Sorry, I guess it's hard for me to read between the lines. Okay. Because I'm an illiterate little dumb fuck. Alright, everyone knows you can read. Really? Because that's not what you said six months ago. I know, you're right. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. That's what you think. Katie, that's my lunch! No, how can you tell? I know you can read, Katie.
It clearly has my name written on it. You mean these squiggly little lines mean something? If you're gonna eat that, you owe me at least five dollars. Care. This is like three thousand dollars. Oh, thank you so much for being so honest, because when you can't read, all money looks the same. No, it doesn't. That doesn't look anything like five dollars, and what's that on your wrist? Oh, this? They said it was Japanese for good vibes. A tattoo?
How does that get back at me? It only hurts you. What can I do, Raf? I don't know how to read. Your words, not mine. Just drop it. I guess I never learned how to read a room. You know what? I'm glad I said you can't read. I'll beat your ass.
Hey guys. Frankie, do you guys forget what today is? Oh yeah, I was wearing a tux. I made that joke on tuxedo Tuesday. Which nobody told me about.
I need, I need a personal day. Okay, I just need one.
I shouldn't, I know these outbursts are, they're wacky. They shouldn't be happening at work.
I know that.
I have so much money, and no friends.
Uh huh. You what? You did. I done did the same thing. |
TheOnion | What_Kind_Of_Mom_Stick_Is_Right_For_You | Hey motherfaces! Today I'm going to talk about one of the hardest but most important decisions that every new mom deals with. What kind of mom stick is right for you? Now obviously the mom stick that you decide to buy says a lot about you as a mom.
Are you nurturing or all business? Creative or buy the book? How strong are you?
You can really tell a mom buy her mom stick. Let's take a look at some good starter sticks in a variety of prices. Here's a good entry-level model from Sylvan. As you can see it has the rings, it has the clips, it has everything you need in a mom stick with a simple design.
It's not gonna turn any heads of the playground but it definitely does the trick. You can get it for under $200 on Amazon.
Next we've got the DS12 from Frontier.
Now this is a mom stick. Granted it's a little flashy but it's got the best wedge rating out of every stick on the market.
It does it all and it's only 11 inches long. You don't need the rings, you don't need the clips, it's completely digital. It records all the data and stats but it's really easy to use.
Works just like a regular mom stick. At $1,100 it's almost double the price of the average mom stick but if you like a mom stick with a few bells and whistles this one might be for you.
The Sproutling from Knopf & Sons is a popular one.
It looks okay and it works but it is way loud. We couldn't sleep with it in the house and it overheats real easy.
I say stay away.
Now this one is my number one mom stick recommendation right now. It's the one that I use and I love it. It's made by Henderson, the same people who make my favorite baby square so you know it's reliable.
You can customize it with all the ebranches you want which is what I love about it. A lot of mom sticks don't let you express yourself like this one does. You can add something decorative like these lights I have on mine or totally functional like this moss.
At only $899 I'd say it's a total steal.
A lot of people are interested in heirloom mom sticks. Here's the one Grandma Manning left me. I think heirlooms can be great for special occasions like a birthday or if an animal gets in the house but wouldn't want to use them every day. They're not very durable and let's be honest they don't smell great and of course every little girl dreams of a mom stick of their own so when Aubrey started playing with mine I got her this one from Fisher- Price.
This is a great gift idea for any little girl out there. She loves it.
So there you have it. I hope this was helpful.
After all you don't want to be one of those sad moms who are at their baby's funeral wishing they bought a more effective mom stick. Remember the most blessed of heart are the souls of the wee ones. Peace out momster balls! A lot of mom sticks don't let you express yourself like this one does.
You can add something decorative like these lights I have on mine or totally functional like this moss.
At only $899 I'd say it's a total steal.
A lot of people are interested in heirloom mom sticks. Here's the one Grandma Manning left me. I think heirlooms can be great for special occasions like a birthday or if an animal gets in the house but wouldn't want to use them every day. They're not very durable and let's be honest they don't smell great and of course every little girl dreams of a mom stick of their own.
So when Aubrey started playing with mine I got her this one from Fisher-Price. This is a great gift idea for any little girl out there. She loves it.
So there you have it. I hope this was helpful.
After all you don't want to be one of those sad moms who are at their baby's funeral wishing they bought a more effective mom stick. Remember the most blessed of heart are the souls of the wee ones. Peace out momster balls! |
dropout | the_post_office_is_getting_desperate | electronic mail or email. It gained popularity in the early 90s and it showed a lot of promise. But now we can all agree that it just doesn't work and the post office is here to stay. I was so excited. I got my own computer. I signed up for my own email address. And then I was like, now what? Things just didn't happen. I used to think email would change the way I communicate. It didn't. They said it was going to become more efficient and convenient. But look at this thing. Mail sent.
I don't know.
Remember when it came out that over 86% of emails don't make it to their destination? Not a single piece of regular mail has ever been lost.
Oh yeah. I read an email once. Did not care for it. Yeah, I remember thinking if email is so great then why do I need a computer to use it? Oh yeah. Yeah, I created the first email system. I was back in the late 70s. That thing was a nightmare. Whatever happened to that? Can you believe there was a time when we were concerned that email would threaten our jobs?
Look at all these unread emails from the power company. I'm a year behind in paying all my bills because I can't figure out how to open the damn things.
Segways. Virtual boy. Crystal Pepsi. Zach Braff. Email.
They all seemed like good ideas at the time but yeesh. Yikes. No thank you.
Scientists, programmers, we salute you. It was a nice try but the future definitely belongs here at the United States Postal Service. Also we now have Scarlett Johansson's Pussy Flavored Stamps. |
TheOnion | Health_Experts_Warn_Protests_Could_Set_Off_Second_Wave_Of_Police_Brutality | Massive protests across the country have health officials concerned today. Hear why many of the nation's top medical experts are worried these demonstrations could lead to a large second wave outbreak of police brutality. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the topical. We've got the latest on each one of the many things you should currently be panicking about, so stay with us. Well, it seems the worst could still be ahead of us, as health officials offered a grim outlook for the future today, with a warning that protests currently roiling the nation could set off a second wave of police brutality. For more, I'm joined by OPR correspondent Marcy Hammond. Marcy, is this something we should be concerned about? Well, Leslie, experts say there is cause for alarm. Here's Deputy CDC Director Anne Schuchat. We've seen massive in-person demonstrations across the country in the last several days, which is, of course, a fertile breeding ground for excessive force. And what's worse, we believe that this second spike in police brutality could be even deadlier than what we've already seen. That does sound concerning.
Now, Marcy, can you give us a little more context? How did we find ourselves in this situation?
Where did this police brutality come from? Well, of course, some form of police brutality has been with us basically forever, but over centuries of exposure, the American public has largely become immune to it.
However, this novel strain that we're seeing this year began with seemingly isolated appearances throughout the country over the last several months and is now boiled over into a full-blown epidemic. So what should we be on the lookout for if we think we may have been afflicted by excessive force? Well, the most important thing to note is that if you're feeling symptoms, it may already be too late. Here's Deputy Director Schuchat on what exactly to watch out for. There are a variety of symptoms, some of which include puffy swollen eyes, cracked ribs, an inability to breathe, and in many cases, death. We're seeing a huge uptick in these symptoms in hospitals and ICUs across the country, which have already been stretched to their breaking point by our militarized police force.
Oh, well fortunately, I don't have any of those symptoms. Am I in the clear? Not necessarily, Leslie. Schuchat also cautioned that there are a large number of asymptomatic carriers who can actually be among the most dangerous as they continue to spread systemic violence and oppression while not even being conscious of it. Well, as a healthy white man, I'm not too concerned.
But Marcy, are there any populations that are particularly vulnerable to this epidemic? Interestingly enough, the CDC has found that the African American community has been affected disproportionately, but really, it can affect anyone. Pets, the elderly, even children. And what are officials recommending in the event that you do become exposed? Here's Schuchat from the CDC once more.
If you've been afflicted, we urge you to remain physically and emotionally isolated and avoid all large-scale demonstrations against state-sanctioned violence until physical evidence has healed. Unfortunately, this isn't going away anytime soon, so we're going to have to accept police brutality as part of our future since any potential cure could be decades away and would likely be extremely expensive. Interesting. So is refraining from protests the key to preventing the second wave? Well, it may lead to a temporary lull in incidents, but it's important to remember police brutality is extremely prevalent, and it can strike vulnerable populations while they're walking through their neighborhood, sitting in their backyard, or even asleep in their own bedroom. So unfortunately, there's really no sure way to escape it.
All right. Well, thanks for the reporting, Marcy, and stay safe out there. That's OPR's Marcy Hammond. We'll be back in a moment.
As coronavirus cases continue to grow throughout the U.S., one state has decided to take drastic measures to overcome the pandemic. Earlier this week, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis used his executive power to deploy the state's National Guard to force residents back into malls, movie theaters, and other businesses. Joining us now with more details is OPR's Remy Birkeland. Remy, what led to this decision by the governor? Well, Leslie, Florida officials say they're taking these measures after millions of residents continued to avoid open restaurants and bars and blatantly ignored government guidelines to get back out there and save the economy. I spoke to Jeff Pemberton, a representative from Governor DeSantis's office, who had this to say. No one wanted it to come to this, but the state's residents left us no choice. So the governor has signed an emergency measure that sends troops to our hardest-hit areas to make sure people there are getting out of their house and staying in stores until they buy something. Hmm, Remy, aren't these actions a little extreme? They are, and Pemberton acknowledged that this will unfortunately cause a huge blow to the state's population, but he insists that practicing social consumerism is the state's only option to stop this plague of economic downturn. Here's Jeff Pemberton again.
Simply put, irresponsible people are not taking the government advisories seriously. By refusing to take the family to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and pick up a few things at Crate and Barrel on the way home, we're putting all kinds of corporations in danger. We're at a breaking point where these rules must be enforced. The new measure also makes it illegal for the state's 21 million residents to congregate in restaurants and food courts with fewer than 10 people.
And the National Guard is authorized to question any individual who doesn't look like they've had a haircut in a while, or whose roots are showing, to make sure they've made an appointment at a local salon or barbershop. If they haven't, those who are looking shaggy are subject to a $200 fine and will be taken to the nearest Supercuts. Well, even if they're trying to grow it out?
That's right. Sounds so draconian.
How are Floridians responding to these new regulations? For some residents, the governor's executive order is already taking a toll. Look, I realize that keeping the economy going is more important than everyone's health, but there has to be a balance.
I just don't need any more scented body lotion from Bath and Body Works. I've bowled eight games in a row. I don't know how much more my arm can take, but they told me they'd shoot me with beanbag guns if I didn't pay to reserve the lane for the whole week. I'm immunocompromised.
You can't make me go to the theater to see Onward. I have rights. Sir, Onward is the kind of heartfelt blockbuster that will make you laugh and cry, and it's perfect for the whole family. Now, if you do not buy your ticket to the 445 screen and then slowly make your way over to the concession stand to purchase a large popcorn, drink, and candy of your choice, we will use force.
While some people can be incredibly selfish. Yes, and unfortunately, there are some large groups of protesters trying to defy the orders. We have some audio of the National Guard moving in on a crowd of people who were trying to leave a mall in Orlando without the required number of full shopping bags.
Show me your receipts. I just came to the mall to window shop. Ma'am, we could do this the easy way or the hard way, but you're going to go into that nail salon and you're going to pat for yourself.
The National Guard were finally able to control the crowd by using tear gas to corner them in a sunglass hut until they all bought Ray-Bans. It's sad that this is what it takes to get some people to do what's right for the economy, but Remy, are officials worried that this could lead to an increase in coronavirus cases? They're taking that into account, but Pemberton noted that those who will suffer the most will be the poor and people in nursing homes and they don't have that much money to spend anyway. Well, that's not so bad then.
Thank you, Remy. That's OPR's Remy Berglund, back in a moment. Mental health experts are issuing new recommendations for those of you having trouble at night and are now advising Americans to only use their bed for its sole intended purpose, shooting amateur pornography. We're joined now by OPR senior health correspondent, Jenna Resnick, who's going to help explain these new guidelines to us. Thanks for being here, Jenna. Thanks for having me, Leslie.
Now, Jenna, I think I speak for everyone when I say we're all a little guilty of either working, eating, or sleeping in the comfort of our beds from time to time. Just last night, I spent a few hours polishing my collection of vintage Scooby-Doo figurines while lounging on my twin XL. But why exactly should Americans refrain from doing these things and use their place of slumber solely for performing an unprofessional self-made pornographic videos? Well, Leslie, the more you do activities in your bed that aren't DIY adult filmmaking, the more your brain subconsciously associates your bed with such activities. This can make it so that when it's time to actually turn on your cheap camcorder and deep-dick a busty MILF or sit on the face of your hunky ex, you may find yourself unable to perform because your brain isn't in full-on fuck mode. Ah, I see. So for example, if I eat a lot in bed, then when it comes time to make a steamy interracial threesome video with bad acting and homemade costumes, I might have trouble popping a chub because I'll get hungry. Exactly. Unless, of course, the porn you're doing involves food play, but that's a separate discussion.
Sure, now you mentioned that your brain makes associations with various behaviors. How does the science behind that work? Well, I actually spoke to Ellen O'Connor, the head of psychology at Johns Hopkins, who helped write these new guidelines. And here's how she explained it. Our brains undergo a phenomenon called priming, in which exposure to a stimulus prepares us for other related stimuli.
So the more you film yourself getting dicked down in your bed in grainy 480p, the more serotonin your brain will produce each future time you do this, which will allow you to get properly horned up for a full night shooting on a regular basis in accordance with your body's natural arousal cycles. Wow, that's good to know. Now let's say I have a bunch of these habits. How can I go about fixing them so I can make the sexiest step-sibling videos possible? Well, therapists recommend practicing something called stimulus control, which helps you retrain your brain and its relation to your bed. In addition to only using your bed for POV masturbation videos, you should establish a regular shooting schedule. Only get in bed if you're actually horny. If you find yourself unable to get wet, you should get out of bed and only return when you're hungry for some cock. This will all help regulate your libido and ensure your DTF when the camera is rolling. I actually got to speak to an amateur pornographer who spent the last few months practicing stimulus control. And here's how she said it changed her performances. Oh my God, it's so much easier to shoot now. After I stopped working on my computer and looking at my phone in bed, my ass eating skills have greatly improved. I'm squirting way longer and I'm getting the best money shots of my career. So you see, Leslie, at the end of the day, your bed is a sanctuary and one that should only be used for recording low-budget hardcore tube videos with uneven, if not inaudible, sound levels.
["The National Guard Theme Song"] Somebody better call in the National Guard because there's about to be a news riot. Here's what else we need to know today.
In Shenzhen, China, local sweatshop worker, Lee Chen, was reportedly devastated to hear the jacket she worked so hard on had been looted. Upon learning that the $85 jacket she'd labored endlessly over for 14 cents an hour had been stolen from a Zara retail store in the U.S., Chen was found to be inconsolable, but was comforted to learn that insurance covered the stolen item and Zara would be just fine.
And in Washington, the looting continued last night as President Trump was spotted throwing a garbage can through the window of a local McDonald's before making off with about $2,000 worth of Big Macs. Later in the evening, Trump was reportedly spotted at a desecrated Baskin-Robbins that was later set ablaze.
And finally, with many companies releasing statements of support for demonstrators this past week, Auntie Ant's is breaking from the pack with the popular pretzel shop chain today calling for all protesters to be shot. Interesting take. And that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. Well, folks, it's been quite a week here in the United States, and I just wanted to take a moment to say that in times like these, and in the face of unprecedented and longstanding pain, we here at Onion Public Radio are committed to acting as a balm of equality, searching evermore for a strive toward justice and equality and justice. For there is no equal to justice, and it is justice that will prevail forevermore, so long as we love one another and ourselves and those near to us, and those different from us, too, and we stand with all that have been made hurt now and forevermore.
Also, if anyone knows whether the restaurants in New York are gonna be open this weekend, could you let me know in the reviews on Apple Podcast? I'm trying to do a brunch on Saturday. Open to recommendations, too.
Just nothing too pricey. And bottomless mimosas are a plus. Love those. Anyway, have a great weekend, and we'll see you Monday. |
ClickHole | these_elderly_people_s_stories_of_an_early_unsafe_version_of_disneyland_will_terrify_you | Disneyland is your land. Here age relives fond memories of the past and here youth may savor the challenge and promise of the future. I first visited what would become Disneyland in 1948. I was seven years old and absolutely enamored with Donald Duck. To be able to see it before most other kids, well it felt like it won the lottery. I just wished we'd all survived.
As soon as you entered the park you were greeted by a drunk Frenchman claiming he was Donald Duck. He was dressed in a fighter pilot uniform from World War Two. Didn't look a thing like Donald Duck. He had a flask in his hand and if you wanted to enter the park you had to take a big swig. That French duck man made sure we were drunk before we even went on a single ride. The rides weren't safe, they just weren't. When you got to the top of Splash Mountain you just fell. If there was any splash at all it was certainly coming from your own blood.
I remember being excited for Pirates of the Caribbean. You got a real gun to shoot the pirates with. Us kids were safe but the pirates were goners. I mean they weren't real pirates they were actors but we didn't realize that as kids. Back in those days you saw a pirate you shot a pirate end of story. We didn't know we were just kids just scared kids. I have no regrets.
It's a small world was much sparser than it is now. Every room had animatronic children representing different countries but they were all just playing trombones. It was so loud I went deaf in my right ear. At one point it got to be too much for me so I grabbed one of the trombones out of an Australian child's hands and he just started screaming. The words he screamed that day became the lyrics to the it's a small world song we know today.
Walt Disney himself spent most of his time attempting to invent Dippin Dots. He would wander around getting kids to try his new recipes. He wouldn't force you but you felt bad saying no because he was so excited to see you eat his rocks covered in ice cream or sticks inside of snowballs. The closest he got to Dippin Dots was a Choco Taco filled with silica beads.
Sadly that had an 85% fatality rate with us youngsters. A bunch of us contracted polio in Tomorrowland. Disney thought the future was full of polio and he was right about that at least when it came to us. Even with all of that though I'm glad I went to the park otherwise I wouldn't have been branded. Ultimately I think Disney was right to burn down that first park. It was the only way to kill the polio. I just hope Donald Duck got out alive. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_adam_driver_monologue_snl | Ladies And gentlemen, Adam Treiber! Thank You, thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I'm so excited to be back! Especially, I Have to say, especially during this time of year, I Love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday, the food, the music, the family. But Largely it's because I have a very deep and personal relationship with Santa. And Every year, I make my Christmas list and I tell it to him, it's kind of our ritual and usually I do it in private, you know, but since we're here and I know Santa watches SNL, he hasn't liked it since Catan left. But If you don't mind, I'd like to make my Christmas list right now, if that's okay. I'll take that. The Piano is part of the ritual. He Loves hearing me play and it's actually me playing. Can We get a close-up of my hands? See, they're very big, very big hands. And that's pretty good, huh? Okay, thank you. If You don't mind, I'd like to talk to Santa now. Hey, Santa! All Right, we're on TV. Hey, Santa. It's me, Adam. Driver. From The nice lists. And Also girls. I turned 40 this year, Santa. So I'd like five pairs of chinos. I also wanted one of those giant metal Tesla trucks. I think it would pair perfectly with my teeny tiny micro penis. Oh, and I'd like people to stop coming up to me on the street saying, you killed Han Solo. I didn't kill Han Solo. Wokeness killed Han Solo. Let's see, what else do I want? Oh, you know those TikToks where it's like those couples who do pranks on each other? Can You kill those people? Okay, I Was just going to say, now it's part of the ritual where I play Oh Holy Night while making unbreakable eye contact with the camera. Actually, that's really hard. I'm not going to do that anymore. Oh, you know what I want for Christmas? It's a gingerbread house. Hey, do you think a gingerbread man gets scared when he realizes that the house is made of his own skin? That's a cute one. You can tell your kids that one. Oh, I Should also say, as an aside, another thing I love about Christmas is egg nog. It's my favorite way to have egg. Whenever I Go to a diner and they say, how would you like your eggs? I say, nog. Okay, well, Santa, thank you for listening. I Look forward to you breaking into my house. Oh, and actually, I totally forgot. I Got you a gift this year. It's my new movie Ferrari, which opens Christmas Day. You're welcome. Merry Christmas, Santa, Big Finish. Merry Christmas, Santa. |
dropout | the_six_coworkers_you_ll_have_at_your_job | This is you. These are your friends and family, the people who matter, who love you, who make life worth living. And these are the people you spend all your time with. You're like Jim and Pam. Yeah, let's pretend that's the perfect example of a workplace romance.
One night, you finally work up the courage. Remember when you saw Thor The Dark World on a plane and thought it was your favorite movie for months until you watched it at home and realized you didn't love it?
Yeah, you'll be taking the long way to the break room for a few weeks. Drunken mistakes aren't the only office hazard. There isn't just one species of creep, there's a whole spectrum and your local variety may differ by climate, available prey, and proximity of jacrew outlets.
You free Friday night? Because my dad's got an open tab at the yacht club.
Please, a dame only gets paid less if she can't keep up with the men around her or if she's ugly. You know Janice carries a lot of tension in her shoulders too. I think it's her chance.
Right when you're wondering if you can still call yourself a recent college graduate, he shows up. Who is this guy? His diet would put you in a coma, yet he still seems to have endless energy.
Oh, hey. What'd you do last night? Nothing too crazy. Shout out to beauty bark, then dance till 2 a.m. and call to the early night. You? I watched Shark Tank then went to bed. The worst part is, if you see him like that, how does he see you? See ya. I missed the 90s.
Maybe you should work harder. Maybe you need to be like...
He thinks the word Machiavellian is a compliment. To the men's room! He's not content to just work. He wants to rule.
My lord, do these expense reports from Cynthia and marketing, do they not seem... embroidered? Perhaps I should be the one to go to the kingdom of Filar del Fia for the sales conference in her stead. I promise, I will secure the favor of House Tampax. Of course, Ambition is a double-edged sword. And so is this. I thought the sales rep really liked me.
Please don't take my fucking thoughts! Douche.
Well, back to 40 years of hard labor. Not everybody considers this job an opportunity. For some, it's a life sentence.
She only napped me after college. I was driving back from my sixth burning man, and I needed the money, man. Ugh, worst mistake of my life.
She spends all her time talking about what she's going to do when she finally gets out of this place. You know what would be fun? A private plane orgy, you know? Like in the woof of Wall Street? The irony is, when prisoners do finally get their freedom, they usually have no idea what to do with it. Hi, E.S. Do you still rent the planes with the rotator bag? Well, most of them anyway.
Ah, quick question! Is cocaine legal yet? Ooh, what a shame!
You're different, though. You want to enjoy your job, but you don't want to let it define you. Now tell me more about this Snapchat. You want to like the people you work with, but some distance is nice too. The color purple, and I mean the actual color purple, not the one with Oprah. The key is balance. You decide. Work and life. Personal and professional. If you're careful, you'll make it out of here without any type at all.
Do you ever notice how she just stares? Like she's hearing voices or something? Yeah, total weirdo. |
TheOnion | Newsroom_Congress_Announces_Plan_To_Hide_Nation_s_Porn_From_Future_Generations | After months of debate, Congress passed the Pornographic Media Concealment Act yesterday, intended to hide our nation's pornography from future generations of Americans. This act will ensure that the inhabitants of ensuing centuries will judge us based on our contribution to literature and the arts, rather than our vast porn collection. Just imagine the look on some future archaeologists face when the unearthed Grandma Lights at Heart, Volume 3, and you will understand why we must act. The newly created U.S. porn stashing agency will be tasked with carrying out the project. According to the chief director of the U.S. porn stashing agency, all Internet porn sites will be hidden behind a portal disguised as an unremarkable business site called Qualitative Consulting. To gain entry to the pornography, U.S. citizens will have to use the password catnap, all lowercase, one word, catnap, but please don't write that down anywhere. Individual porn collections will be moved to several dozen fake mountains in southern New Hampshire. There will be an interracial mountain, a barely legal mountain. At the base of each mountain, there will be a hidden door where any American can enter, no questions asked. The agency also unveiled a video to help Americans understand how these new policies will affect their porn. The porn stashing agency will store all pornographic materials under piles of old camping equipment inside cardboard boxes with the word Canada written on them.
I'm from the year 3000. That way, future historians will think we're just holding on to it for Canada. For citizens who make their own home sex tapes, the new policy requires they begin all recordings with at least five minutes of C-SPAN footage so future viewers would just get bored and stop watching. Previous congressional proposals to make the nation seem more impressive, including plans to scatter the nation with opera playbills, treat Usain Bolt as an average speed human, and blame the massive amount of idiotic Internet discourse on a few faulty robots, all fail to gain popular support.
Next up, we'll talk to that pilot who heroically crash landed a plane into Maureen Dowd. |
TheOnion | Amazing_Dance_Prodigy_Hopes_New_Ballet_Will_Inspire_Her_Dad_To_Notice_Her_For_Once | A Hard Morning calls for a soft drink of news with Jim and Tracy. Brought to you by 7up10. Great taste, only 10 calories. Get both with Today Now. Later in the hour, Jim found a bag of meat on the side of the road and is going to let you, the viewers, decide what to do with it. I can't wait. But first, it's time for Get Both, a segment where we hear inspiring everyday stories about getting all the things you want out of life. Get Both is brought to you by 7up10. Great taste, only 10 calories. Get both.
Now, a lot of little girls do ballet even though their fathers couldn't care less and don't see what the big deal is. Oh, I know that story all too well. But one talented little prodigy actually choreographed a whole ballet that her father could enjoy and even look forward to. Can you believe that?
Let's meet Erin Kemper and her father, Jack. Hi. Thanks for having us. So, Jack, you're actually able to spend quality time with your daughter despite how aggravating you find her interests?
Yeah, I guess you could say I'm a ballet buff. Erin, how did you do that? I thought about all the things that my dad likes to watch and put it into a ballet. It's called Hope You Like This. Well, let's take a look.
How many times do I have to kill you, Jason Bourne? It's you who's gonna die, Brad from work. Gonna go work on the basement.
Wow, who knew ballet could be so exciting? I don't know where she gets it. After the fight scene, there was a dance number called Everyone Get In The Car, and then there was a scene with all the characters yelling at the newspaper, and then there were 20 minutes of peace and quiet, because I know that's very important. Oh, it sure is. What inspired you to create this amazing ballet? I'm really inspired by the theme of my dad paying any attention to me at all. Now, at the end, I hear she just put the game up on the big screen. I don't know where she gets it. So you're saying that this ballet has all the great taste of 7-Up and only 10 calories.
No, it's not what I say at all. Oh, I'm sorry. I think Jen was confusing it with another great product. Oh, so I was.
Well, we have a special treat for you today, because Erin is now going to perform her new ballet, When I Pay the Bills, I Get to Make the Rules. Can you tell us something about the show, Erin? Yeah, it's an adaptation of Swan Lake, with a subplot of hanging your hood up in the closet instead of throwing it on the couch, because when you throw it on the couch, everyone gets upset. Well, I'm hooked. Here she is, Erin Kempner.
We can't afford that. World War II. I miss your mother too, but we're going to have to do the best without her.
Oh, Redskins! Bravo! Well done.
Boy, I wish you were mine. You know, my two girls were grown up, but you still couldn't pay me to watch one of their acapella shows. So Jack, would you say that your daughter helped you get both? I guess so. Could you? You're legally required to say that. My daughter helped me get both.
Seven up ten. Great taste, only ten calories. Get both. Perfect.
Up next, eating pine cones is crazy, and one man with schizophrenia is proving that right. |
cracked | movie_trailers_act_like_we_re_all_idiots_yboc | Hey nerds, Dr. Jordan Breeding here with another episode of Your Brain Uncracked, the only show on crack that costs over $500 million per episode. And now that you know that, you definitely wanna keep watching just to see where that money goes, right? That's cause I tricked you with my tricks. Speaking of, is it unusual for most of the budget to go to the accountant? In today's fast-paced world of evening newspapers and 56 kilobit modems, it's not enough for a movie to say, hey, I'm pretty good. Come watch me.
New movies must go to desperate lengths to stand out from all the Marvels and Star Wars is sucking the marrow from pop culture's bones. And by desperate lengths, I mean stupid lengths and also desperate lengths, such as. Netflix claims that viewers have spent 384 million hours watching Red Notice, which is maybe believable if 383.9 million of those hours occurred while people did laundry with the movie running in the background. Hell, I watched it twice and I still don't know what it's about.
Anthropomorphic underwear telling young girls when they've officially become a woman. I don't know, that's my laundry. Lots of underwear in there, blood too.
What I can tell you is Red Notice is the most expensive movie Netflix has ever made because I read about 300,000 articles telling me just that. Nevermind that a huge chunk of its supposed $200 million budget went to pandemic-related setbacks or that Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Reynolds, and Wonder Woman all got $20 million each to method act as hot people for a couple hours. You look awful. But the high cost essentially became another marketing tool. The director even claimed in interviews that $200 million was low balling in because expensive means good, right?
You want it? It's yours, my friend, as long as you have enough rubies. That's why the Yankees win every World Series and everyone who drives a BMW is a charming, well-adjusted individual. You know how to fucking drive? No.
The last time Netflix pulled the, oh my God, this is so embarrassing. Don't look at how big my budget is, was when they released Bright. Because you see, Bright, which at the time cost $90 million, used to be Netflix's most expensive original movie before getting read notifying that it lost that prestigious honor.
Ha ha ha. Biss off for a thousand years.
It's understandable Netflix didn't want marketing to focus on the plot because while the slogan fairy lives don't matter feels icky. Fairy lives don't matter today. But because Netflix kept saying we paid enough for the lighting to be competent and you're too lazy to go to the theater, so why not click play, you lazy oaf? The message was that they didn't care if Bright was good as long as enough people watched it to satisfy some opaque internal milestone. Most movies at least pretend to be good, but Bright never aspired to be anything more than a casual hookup that didn't require any movement whatsoever.
To be fair, an unusual emphasis on the accounting isn't always bad. After all, Game of Thrones bragged that its eighth season was its most expensive. And while I'm still catching up on the show, the first couple of seasons have been cool, so I'm excited to see what they'll do with a massive budget.
I bet it's universally appealing. Maybe it really is all cocks in the end. And now Amazon won't shut up about how its Lord of the Rings prequel, The Rings of the Lords of the Power, is totally worth $465 million, so they could make like a billion rings that are like so powerful. I should die. No need to be worried at all. I mean the Hobbit trilogy cost over twice as much as the Lord of the Rings trilogy and it was twice as good.
Ah! Hey! Ah!
If you're tired of looking at my face, there's probably a video being advertised on YouTube's sidebar called something like Epic Awesome Sauce Trailer Breakdown. Will Batman be in the new Batman movie?
You've seen these videos before. They're inexplicably 20 minutes long and have thumbnails coated in arrows and circles like they're picking apart the Zapruder film. Let's just for a moment speculate, shall we? There's an entire YouTube ecosystem around picking apart movie trailers with microscopic precision that makes biblical scholarship look laid back in comparison. Those are the demons. Even though all they're really doing is pointing out references intentionally placed in the background of trailers for 30 seconds and giving the movies free advertising for the next 19 and a half minutes. Now I know what you're thinking, but Jordan, you love making YouTube talk is about the American moving picture industry. Some of those are literally two hours long and that's true.
I love movies and I've seen almost seven of them. Also, thanks for watching all the way from Serbia. Like and subscribe.
But trailers are increasingly created to cater specifically to hardcore fans who love scrubbing frame by frame for Easter eggs then making their own videos about the hidden secrets they found like the saddest, shittiest Indiana Joneses which is probably gonna be the plot of Indiana Five. But maybe we should find a teaser trailer and scan it for clues first. According to a CNBC article in the trailer industry, this trend, like so many of my personal problems can be blamed on Star Wars. Specifically, the teaser for Star Wars episode four take to the force awakens. Its first trailer in 2014 basically just said, sub dorks, Star Wars is back. Don't look at it no matter what happens. It's beautiful. Which caused said dorks starved for Star Wars stimuli and human contact to flood social media with guesses on everything from what the plot might be to the significance of the lightsaber colors. Apparently blue means you're lonely. Ever since then, trailers have been increasingly tweaked to appeal to the super nerds. Not just randos forced to suffer through a few ads in theaters before watching the new hit film, Dwayne Johnson makes grunting noises probably in the jungle but also maybe in a view. By the time Star Wars nine colon the legally dubious co-opting of the name Skywalker, teasers started coming out five years later, legions of nerf herders gave the movie a free marketing blitz by attempting to puzzle out how every single moment might fit into the movie and whether Luke Skywalker's moil was lurking in the background somewhere.
That's a circumcision joke, Dave. Just in case you didn't know. Again, I love fun just as much as the next Hillary Clinton. Did you hear my foreskin joke from earlier?
But treating every frame in a trailer like a jigsaw piece is how you start thinking of movies as nothing more than stitched together wookie pedia lore compilations instead of as emotional and or horny experiences. It's also an easy way to paper over the fact that the movie being advertised sucks harder than a sarlacc sucking a Boba Fett through a straw which brings us to, well, the rise of Skywalker. They flying now? But also to space jam too strawberry flavored. That is gonna be some scrumptious jam. While that movie is ostensibly about Lebron going on a journey to acquire acting skills. And it's not working. What it's really about is Warner Brothers cramming as many references to their own properties into the film as humanly possible. Just the trailer sported because basketball. Randy's out here having a martini at halftime. References to everything from a wizard of Oz to a clockwork orange. Two movies that only have a handful of basketball scenes between them. At one point, we even zoomed by a Game of Thrones planet helpfully labeled Game of Thrones for the benefit of the, shall we say, Sacramento Kings of viewers. The whole thing felt like an obnoxious rich kid showing off their toys. Yet we still got thousands of videos with millions of views called space jam trailer breakdown.
4,000 very obvious Easter eggs you missed because you are doing literally anything else with your dumb life. But those weren't Easter eggs because Easter eggs are hidden for the benefit of the people who go out of their way to find them. Just like the original eggs full of salvation that were hidden by Jesus for the disciples on that first Easter.
So good.
King of the Jews.
This was just Warner Brothers milking free advertising from grown ass YouTubers pretending to be amazed at the sight of a whiteboard that says the iron giant. And this is what every franchise is doing now. So stay tuned for my next video. Your brain on cracked breakdown.
47 amazing Jordan facts you missed. Plus, penis size reveal.
Seriously, seriously? Are you serious?
Boo! Ah!
Did you like my scary side? If so, there's totally more of that coming. And if not, don't worry because that's the last scary moment you'll ever see. Confused? Well, the horror genre has lots of fans but it also tends to get looked down on because for every acclaimed spooker piece, there are about 5,000 where topless teenagers get haunted by the ghost of an alien ax murderer sinking revenge for being associated with such a terrible movie. And so to win over that audience without actually going through the trouble of making, ew, a horror movie. What's that? Franchises have started promising that their latest installment is gonna be scary. But not too scary, God forbid. When promoting Doctor Strange 2, Metamucil Madness, Marvel's Zark, Kevin Feige said that while he wouldn't call it a horror film, it will have legitimately scary sequences. Yeah, sure, like I'm a legitimate actor. Feige also mentioned that the director, Scott Derrickson, has horror experience, which on its own wouldn't be too weird, except Marvel also leaned into the it's scary but not like scary, scary angle for the cinematic war crime that was the new mutants movie.
I hate her too. They're doing it again with Moon Knight and whatever ghost writer project they're cooking up deep in Nick Cage's bowels.
Hello. DC's lumbering promo engine did the same thing when director David F. Sandberg said he was told to lean into his horror roots for a certain scene in Shazam, a movie praised for being more lighthearted than DC's regular Rooding Glouafest. Hello darkness, Miles. And yeah, I guess they did manage to cram in one extended monster murder responsible for so much tonal whiplash that my neck still hurts. Ah! Dude, just messing around.
Superhero movies face the unfair accusation that they're fluffy crap for kids just because a significant portion of their fans happen to be man children who threaten to strangle your dog whenever you mispronounce the Rannos name. I am John C. But you can't take too many creative risks when you're part of a billion dollar merchandising empire. So we're stuck with reams of interviews where everyone pretends that the next series to hit the Mickey Mouse family streaming platform is going to be Rose Marvel's Baby. I like superhero movies. And I like peeking at horror movies through my fingers because they're scary, but we don't have to keep pretending that every slightly offbeat superhero flick is following in the footsteps of Stanley Kubrick. Either have the balls to make House of 1000 Baby Yoda corpses or stop trying to trick horror fans into sitting through Dr. Poon Tank for one scene where it's a little dark and a brief horse thing plays when the movie's requisite CGI blob pop.
Left my violin on, I guess.
The Halo games are about Lieutenant John Halo's attempt to stop a coalition of aliens from doing it genocide, a goal he accomplishes by heroically using marines as meat barriers until a shield's recharge. I'm gonna pop the top off a can of a bat. And aside from having the multiplayer mode that introduced many young gamers to an exciting variety of racial slurs, Halo is famous for its theme song, a Gregorian chant that brings a sense of gravitas, the saga of John, punching dumb little sweary alien guys in the back of the skull as they try to run away. Naturally, when it came time to advertise the Halo TV series, Paramount dramatically ends the trailer on a self-serious cover of in the air tonight, just to really get you pumped for that action.
I can feel it coming. Music has been used in remote movies ever since music was invented in 1907, but despite the existence of as many as five distinct genres of music today, slow and moody covers of popular songs from the 1970s to the 90s make up pretty much all the music used in modern trailers. The trend can probably be traced back to 2010 in the trailer for the MySpace drama, The Social Network, which used a choral version of Radiohead's Creep that made it sound like the creep in question was waiting for nightfall. So it could break into your house and lick your toes. Now, YouTube will immediately flag me if I play that song or do a cover of it, but it sounds a little something like this. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. And ever since David Fincher revealed Mark Zuckerberg as the zodiac killer, trailers have been freaking obsessed with making yesteryear's hit songs a little spooky.
2016 Blair Witch rehash that nobody watched used a slow breathy version of every breath you take. Well, the 2017 Ghost in the Shell rehash that no one watched used a wheezing techno gibberish version of Enjoy the Silence. These songs have nothing to do with the movies. It's just that if you breathily and slowly talk like this, you sound artsy and serious, even if the message is pretty stupid and maybe a little racist. More recently, a teaser for Robert Pattinson's Man Bad remixed Nirvana's Something in the Way to give everything more epic gratitude because the main problem with 90s grunge was always its criminal lack of inception.
Bah!
Black Widow at least waited until the opening credits to play a cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit that was so exhaustingly self-serious that live journals just started spontaneously writing themselves. Even Gene Roddenberry's Dune, a movie set about 20,000 years in the future, built a trailer around the extra dramatic beats of Pink Floyd's Eclipse as reworked by Hans Zimmer. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with old music and I get that studios don't wanna use music from a super obscure band that only really cool people have heard of, like the infamous Randy Plattie Pussies or, you know, my band. ["Randy Plattie Pussies"] But as explicitly stated by a music supervisor at a trailer studio to a Guardian reporter, movie makers are terrified of taking risks and they don't wanna risk scaring away potential viewers with a song that they don't recognize from their heady days when they used to own an airbrushed titty van. But when every movie does it, it almost feels insulting.
I've listened to music made in this millennium, guys, and I know that we all love Kurt Cobain. He died back in 1984. We oughta move on! |
SaturdayNightLive | miles_teller_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Miles Teller! very much. I am so excited to be here hosting the season premiere of Snl. this is my first time hosting, and I know they like when you do impressions and play different celebrities, and I wanted to come prepared. So I asked my friends, what celebrity do I look like? I was thinking a young Deniro, maybe a Paul Newman, and they were like, nope, Rachel Maddow. I didn't see it, personally, but then one of them sent me this. it's in a movie called Top Gun Maverick, and one of the things that I loved about the movie is that it really seemed to bring people together. I mean, it's not every day you get a movie that's loved by both the military community and the gay community. it was also amazing getting to work with Tom Cruise. I mean, that guy is a legend. we both pushed ourselves to the absolute limit for this movie. I mean, he did his own stunts, and I grew my own mustache. in the movie, there's a scene where my character Rooster plays and sings great balls of fire on the piano, and, you know, I played piano a bit growing up, so I told him, look, I don't need a double, guys.
I will do this myself. I'll do it live.
So I learned the song, and I practiced it a bunch. I even took piano lessons. my instructor was J.k. Simmons. he was surprisingly nice. Thank you, J.k. And on set, I played the entire song beginning to end, and then, when I saw the movie, this is what they ended up using. hey, I'll change my mind. you'll satisfy. Good, rich, gracious, great balls of fire.
I got to say, I am so honored to be here growing Up. me and my family would watch Snl every week, and then my sisters and I would reenact some of the sketches, and my mom would videotape them. One of our favorites was the Spartan Cheerleaders, you know, with Will Ferrell, Sherri Oteri. I, of course, played Sherri Oteri because I was eight, and I had the frame for it. Now, I thought that video was lost, but my mom found it, and she's here tonight, and she brought it. Here it is. the perfect cheer. that's me in the Tank Top. my sister Erin is playing Will Ferrell. Oh, yeah. And if you look in the background, that's my other sister, Dana. pretty sure she's playing Lorne Michaels.
And then we finish our routine with the classic who's That Spartan in My Tp. hey, who's that Spartan in my Tp? It's Me! Hey, who's that Spartan in my Tp? It's Me!
Whoo! Hey! Nailed it. But, seriously, how crazy is that?
My parents used to watch me doing skits in my living room, and now they're here watching me host Saturday Night Live. Show for You Tonight. Kendrick Lamar is here. |
cracked | john_quincy_adams_wanted_to_meet_mole_people | John Quincy Adams was the sixth president of the United States, and he was the only president who wanted diplomatic relations with the center of the goddamn Earth. Because John Quincy Adams believed in diplomacy, he was America's ambassador to the Netherlands, to Prussia, to Russia, and to Britain. Then he bought us Florida and got us Oregon and Washington State without fighting wars to do it. JQA's relentless diplomacy had nowhere to go but up, which meant going down. Because a nut named John Cleves Sims Jr. convinced Adams and others that the Earth's core wasn't a lava monster, but was filled with concentric smaller Earths, all of them hollow, all of them explorable via big weird doors at both of Earth's poles. Sims crisscross America, searching for funding for an expedition to spelunk our hollow Earth. He even wrote a novel where Earth's sub-basement contains civilizations. And when Congress heard Sims pitch, they laughed him out of the room, straight to whichever room John Quincy Adams was in. President Adams promised to fund Sims' expedition to find America's mole people for America's benefit. But it never happened because Adams lost his reelection bid to Andrew Jackson, who scrapped the mission. Jackson was far too wise to waste money on hollow Earth voyages. And by wise, we mean he might have been our only president who thought the Earth was flat. |
SaturdayNightLive | rex_reed_s_a_team_review_snl | Hi, my name is Mr. T. I got a new show on Nbc, and it's called the A-team. And you better watch it, because if you don't, I'm gonna come over your house and make you watch it Live with your Mama. And that's why I say I pity the man who don't watch my show. Mr. T, please, just shut up for a second. I feel I simply have to tell people what that show of yours is really like. Hey, man, who are you? I'm Rex Reed, and I criticize things for a living. And honestly, in the case of your show, it was worse than doing hard labor on a chain gang. I'd rather get a lethal injection in Huntsville than have to watch that piece of plop again. how'd you like to get a lethal injection? a kick's in your butt. Please, calm. calm down, I'm serious. I can't let you promote a show that I panned. I'mma get in the pit of you, Rex Reed. I don't despise ya, but I pity ya. Now tell me what's the matter with my show, Boy. Well, now that you asked, first of all, the A Team gets a big fat F in my book. it beats me, who the hell these clowns are. the only interesting one in the bunch is this fellow right here, but that's because he looks like Tina Turner on steroids. Now, I hope I've made myself clear. you made yourself non-existent after that last remark, Boy. are you threatening me?
Mr. T, never have to threaten a man. I never threaten nobody.
I just fold my arms like this and glance at the camera. Watch. Oh, God, now he's constipated. Listen, ladies and gentlemen, don't listen to this big lug here. the A team is a perfectly lousy show, but he's cute, so don't say I didn't warn you.
I pity the people that don't watch my show. I pity the people that do watch my show.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, Yes! |
cracked | all_that_jazz_review_aka_we_re_gonna_need_a_bigger_jazz | Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, dang it! You ruined it. Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies which are like books, but better, I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by my co-hosts, Jesse and Ally.
Say hello. Hello. Hello! Yeah, we- What's new?
We didn't have a single viewer until you said that, so I think we're good. We're talking about movies, because that's what we do. Ally was convincing us to go watch a racist horny play, at least that's the way it was described. That's exactly how I described it, 100%.
And I told her, I don't know if I feel comfortable with that, she's like, no, you gotta do it. No, you have to, and I'll never talk to you ever again.
What do I hear? I hear something. Oh, that's- I was turning on the feed, and the audio came up. I was like, oh no, I hear some annoying woman's voice, how's that?
Oh, it's just Jordan. It's Jordan being reductive.
Hey guys. So we're doing this thing, we're doing this podcast. It's a live stream though, so if you're watching it actively live, it's 97-ish if you are. We are taking comments, questions, concerns, alternate titles for the film, and we've got Brian trolling through the chat, looking for those and starring them, and so we'll talk about them at the end if they warrant consideration further. Wow. I like the new level of discernment that's being implemented here. Great, actually here's the first question. Okay, go ahead.
Logan Coggins asked, I thought crack.com had been bought and isn't continuing anymore. It's really fun that we actually rebooted the YouTube channel two and a half years ago. People still don't know that, but I see that you're on Facebook where we have posted 200 pieces of content a day, every day, for the past 15 years. So it's pretty surprising that you're just now realizing crack still exists. There are 4 million followers on the Facebook page.
It doesn't. Wow. Well, we should say it's not the user's fault, it is the fault of the algorithm and... Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not mocking Logan. I'm mocking Life and Zuckerberg and everything like that. Hey Logan, we're still here. It's different. There's a lot to explain, but I'm not going to do it right now.
So today we watched, well, previously, maybe you watched it today, all that jazz from the 1979s. Yes. Every last drop of jazz, we watched it. We can talk about this later, 1979, amazing year for movies. All the movies that came out in 1979 are just like banger, after banger, after banger.
What are some? I can't think of one.
Blank. It's like man. Blank man.
It's like the 1999 of the 70s. Yeah, because actually 9-11 happened in 1981 before it happened in 2001. A lot of people don't know that, and it changed the media forever.
I mean, it didn't, but that's fine. I'm like, this is a joke I don't understand. I don't want to say it.
What happens? Like a rube. It happens every year, depending on how you want to score that. Right. Yeah.
Anyway, so we watched all that jazz, and I'm going to recap it for those of you that haven't seen it as best I can, and then Ally is going to defend why the hell we had to watch in the first place. So all that jazz follows a, both the theater and film director, presumably, who is simultaneously attempting to get a Broadway show rolling, and specifically, he does a lot of the choreography, so he's trying to get a dance, all these dance numbers right, and then simultaneously, he is editing, I don't think it's his first film, I think it's his second film, something like at least his second film. He had a great film previously, it seems really in his head about it, but it's called The Standup, and he's repeatedly editing this one standup routine from the titular standup comedian, and as he's doing this, he's womanizing, he's taking drugs, he's listening to Vivaldi, so you know things are bad, and sort of his personal life is collapsing a little bit, but ultimately, spoilers, because we always do spoilers, so just like, buckle up. Hey, Joe Maximus, good to see you again, that's a person I know in real life. He has a heart attack, because he's going too hard, and they tell him to chill out, and he doesn't, and he dies, but not before hallucinating an entire musical number at the end, and also intercutting throughout the entire film, him flirting with the angel of death, and also having like weird flashbacks and stuff like that, and that's all she jazzed, which is now going to be one of my alternate titles. Murder, she jazzed, that's my alternate title. And so, you know, it's old. Why did we watch it, Ally? This is one of my favorite movies of all time, 100%, like definitely in my top five. I saw it for the first time when I was in college, I was trying to figure out who brought it into my life, I texted a bunch of friends, being like, who wouldn't introduce all that jazz to us?
Nobody could remember. But what I really do remember is I watched it with like, I don't know, four or five people.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Sorry.
Stop the press.
You said there was no cum in this film, but there is. There is? Remember?
When he's a young child. Oh my God, when he's a kid and he gets embarrassed.
Yeah, that's true. There is. Oh, yeah. So just so you all know, there is a... Guys, there is just in this film.
There's also Naked Breasts. I don't know if I'm selling you on this. It's very sexy. If you've never seen a breast in here, you just saw like all of our viewers drop off. I don't like those. Yeah, this is a good place to see breasts.
And I mean, like, honestly, like if you're going to like sneak a movie in past your parents and be like, it's a piece. It's in the Criterion Collection. It's a piece of cultural history. This is a great movie to sneak past.
It shows open-heart surgery. Yeah, exactly. And Rankin is in it. She's one of Broadway's treasures. I don't know what makes me hornier and ranking open-heart surgery or boobs. It's just a general tie for me. They're all quite intimate. Anyway, one of my favorite movies of all time, when the credits rolled out on this movie, I have such a clear memory of like sitting like jaw dropped through in silence through the entire credit sequence.
Like we all just were like and like I think that's like college. How old were you? I was in college. It wasn't like I was like, we got away with seeing boobs.
Like it was more like we were moved by the film and like really I was sort of amazed by the execution. I think it's like just a phenomenally made film. The other thing that is just like crazy about it, that whether or not you know a lot about Fosse or don't know a lot about Fosse, it's just a very thinly veiled version of his life, which I also think is fascinating because the history of this movie, and this isn't like secret.
He says this in like every interview about the movie, is that famously Bob Fosse had a heart attack when they were doing the out-of-town tryouts for Chicago and nobody knew if he would live to see Chicago open on Broadway, which he had choreographed. And his wife, Gwen Verdon was in it and she was the person who had the idea to mount Chicago because she really thought that one, it was a material that would be great on stage and two, she wanted to like have something that she had a hand in so that she could make royalties off of it for the rest of her life because she was in this like sort of messy separation from Fosse and was like, we have a daughter and like we have to take care of this girl and I want to make sure we have like this like incredible unassailable nest egg for this girl. I want to like, I want us to collaborate, even though we are separated and divorced, I want us to collaborate on a sure-fire hit and that was Chicago and she was right. Chicago is still playing on Broadway to this day.
So he had this heart attack. It was not like you're in perfect shape. What happened? Doctors literally were like, it's kind of a miracle that you've pulled through the amount of like drugs and alcohol and cigarettes and everything that you do, like you have to change your ways or this will happen again to you and he as like a creative was like, man, what if I died? Like what if instead of the doctors being like, hey, you're really lucky, this might not have pulled through for you, like what if all of those open threads in my life were suddenly now closed?
I had no say over it. Like this was my last shuffle on the earth, right?
And so he's like, I want to make a movie about that. And I'm like, I'm interested in what that is. And like he is so close, what he did in this movie is so close to his life and like eventually there would be an autobiography and things like that.
But like this is sort of pre that and it feels like extraordinarily confessional from how unkind he is about the portrayal of himself as a character. Like there was no excuses. He's not letting himself off the hook. Every character when they talk about him or just like, Jesus Christ, like Joe Gideon is such a dick. He's like such an exacting guy. And he's like not fun to work with. I can, I do think he's a genius, but like he's bad. He's bad at everything else in his life. Except he's man. Can he fuck this boy can really fuck.
But like all that stuff about him, like being like a young kid who had his brain sort of like sexually warped cause he was like working in these like strip joints essentially when he was like a kid doing vaudeville. All of this is true. And this is all pre him just sort of like saying it. So the movies is like Fellini-esque are like a self excoriation, but also a celebration of what he's the best at, which is like putting stuff on film and like his really unique contributions to theater and dance. And it's all cast with people really in his life. Like Anne Rankin's basically playing herself and had to still audition for the role of Katie, like even though she like was his mistress who like was that woman and like Leland Palmer is playing the Gwen Verdon stand in, but she also was like a person who we kind of flirted with a lot when they were staging Pippin.
Like it's, it's this like weird, I don't know. It's like amazingly made. And I can't believe anybody would make it about themselves. Like everything about it sort of like baffles me. And I think it's amazing. Yeah.
It definitely, I didn't know that much about Bob Fosse going in. I think you got me turned on to Bob Fosse a couple of years ago. We were on a sketch team when we were, when that, then when Fosse Verdon was airing on FX, which is a really good series. And so I think a lot of us were talking about how good it was and how much you wanted to do a Fosse sketch. I mean, we did do this sketch. We had a whole like themed show around it. But so I didn't know anything about Fosse.
He's a super interesting guy. What I just learned, I guess I'd learn more about like his like background of dance previously, but now seeing that he's just a dude that just like sleeps around like crazy and like OD's on Alka Seltzer and stuff. It is a weird, it's a bizarrely self-indulgent, but also self-effacing movie. Yes, yes. And like, there are parts of it that you're like, you little dick, because like he's sort of bringing some of his real life beef into the movie.
Like at the time his big, you know, rivalry, whether or not it was one-sided and all in his head or not really was with Michael Bennett, who is the person who did a chorus line. And so he in the movie is like, what if I did a chorus line in eight minutes? What if the whole of a chorus line was just the opening of my movie and I did it even better?
Like, what an asshole. That's very funny. I didn't know that. What an asshole, and it's great. That's the craziest part is that he's like, what if I did your whole musical in eight minutes and it was just the beginning of my movie? And you're like, well, that's a dick thing to do.
It's not going to be very good. And then it's good.
Like everything about this movie is like, there's so much of him in it in like, in a way that's like both like incredible and also like frustrating. I feel like, I mean, I get what you're saying. I don't think, I think this is the kind of thing a person makes so that people will say what you said, but ultimately it's still a celebration of what a freaking genius he is. He's like, oh, my life's so bad.
But like, also he doesn't die. He's not dead. Obviously he made the stupid movie. Right, he's obviously not really dead.
And so he's like, well, I guess, you know, this is like what would happen if there were consequences in my life. Yes. But like, his point isn't to say, it would be a very different movie if his reaction to having this heart attack and being like shaken to make this movie was to be like, what if I made amends in this movie that I wish I made in life? And then like, was it a better fictional version of himself than he was as a real person? Like, imagine how annoying this movie would be if he like found a way to like truly apologize to his ex-wife for being the way he is. Like, he doesn't really ever get the clue. He doesn't give himself that closure. He, it does sort of still end with him messing his life up insanely, even to the point where he's in the hospital and the doctor's like, stop. And he's like, yeah, sure, totally stop. And then like wanders around the hospital bleeding on the walls. Like he doesn't, there is no apology for his actions. He really is digging deep into being like, what if I never learned and what if I continued to never learn until I die? That's my thought experiment here.
And I do agree that it is sort of a celebration of his genius because like one of the best scenes in the movie, spoiler alert, is that they're working on this musical called New York slash LA, Chicago. And the producers come in and like the, you know, like directors and things like that. And he's been working on this number that they haven't gotten to like really work yet. And it starts off and it's great. And then because he's such a dick, he does like an eight minute additional number where they like take their tops off. And it's like this whole thing about like casual and faceless sex and how like, we don't make real relationships with people. And it's all about pleasure and the exchange of pleasure, but it's not like a real connection. And he's like, obviously this is all based on himself to going through these problems. But it's like, he stages something that can never be on Broadway. Or if it is, it's certainly not a family musical, which is what these producers are putting their money behind.
And they're all like, it's really funny because they're all sitting there being like, oh God, now this will never play Letterman. Like they're just like mourning their money. And then at the end, the like ex-wife character who's like part of it is like, you asshole.
It's the best thing you've ever done. Right. What a perfect encapsulation of it.
And there's that thing where it's like they realize they'll make more money if he dies, right? Like they're sort of hoping later in the film, the producers are sort of hoping that he will die within a 180 day window so that they can recoup all their insurance, which is actually weirdly timely in the Batgirl film being shelved by Warner Brothers, which is freaking- How appropriate. 90 million dollar film that's being shelved for low quality, but that can't possibly be it. There are tons of, ostensibly, unless it's truly the worst film ever made.
And it can't be.
And they've released terrible things before, but somebody has gone in and done the math and found that if they don't air it, they can write it off and we'll probably stand to get 15 to 20 million from it as opposed to what they were, it was only ever intended to go on HBO Max and be like, hey, subscribe for HBO Max. So a lot of people are seeing that as, oh, maybe this is the death knell of HBO Max because if you're not trying to get subscribers and you're just trying to get money- Then what's the point? Yeah, totally. No, it's very the producers where it's like, you can put more money with a flop with a hit. If you get enough people to invest and then be like, oh no, it's never gonna run. We don't have to recoup anything. And I do think that's interesting because to your point, it's sort of like, that too to me feels like everybody probably wishes I was dead because I'm so brilliant, but that doesn't mean I make money all the time.
Like even his, he literally has the scene where he's obsessing over the edit for his movie and he's like, he's doing it over and over and over. And then the guy's like, you can't keep going. Oh my God, it's been four months. You're spending millions of dollars.
And then he sits down and he's like, oh, it's better. I know, that's why I think this movie is so good because I do think there is the air of there being a pat on the back of how good he is and what he does. And I am sort of fat. Like again, I don't think this is like him being like Jesus being like, I'm apologizing for everything I've ever done. I think he's like really is extremely aware of how he treats people and how people see him and what he makes other people feel like. He's also aware that he's really fucking good. And he is, this movie is incredible. He just was like a very competitive person who kind of had more feuds in his head than existed in real life.
Do you know what I mean? Like famously he won for directing over Coppola for Godfather. He won for Cabaret, which is great. It's an amazingly directed movie. Yes, this was like a big deal where they were like, oh my God, Godfather's gonna sweep. And then like it didn't. And then it was like specifically the directing like it was like such a big deal. And like he had a thing where he was like now every time we have a movie in theaters at the same time as Coppola, if I lose even once I've lost. I guarantee Coppola was not thinking this back at like, you know, back at the cushy Coppola estate. Do you know what I'm saying?
Like it's such an interesting view into his psyche that he knows isn't right, but isn't willing to like be like, okay, I'm wrong. Like he knows it's messed up, but instead of like fixing it, he's like so far down the rabbit hole. He's like, what if I just commemorated it in the most like astounding way possible? Right, well, I feel like that's kind of this thing where it sort of portrays, I suppose what I was gonna say is this sort of damaging view of art, I think, where it can, I think we can feel like, oh, the only people that succeed in art are these twisted alcoholic, lethario geniuses who have to tank everything. I mean, he literally says at some point like, oh, I was a genius, but alas, I have tanked my personal life. I sucked at everything else.
And I think a lot of people will look at that and go, right, yeah, that's how it works. And I actually feel like it's just not true generally speaking. I mean, obviously it can be, and there are incredible examples like Bob Posse and others.
There are a lot of rock stars that, you know, what is it, the 26, 27 Club, 26 Club, 27 Club? Hercobain, Jimi Hendrix, all these people that dive.
But I do feel like, why don't we get into movies about the guys in their mom's basement just working really hard? You know, we need a movie for us. No, I- I really agree with you.
And I think that what saves this movie from being just self-indulgent, well, this is how you have to live, is that it's so unapologetically showing that he's miserable and that he's ruining his life and that the relationships in his life are all suffering for it. And that at the end, this movie ends with this unbelievable 10-minute sequence called Bye-By-Life, where like Ben Vereen as sort of like a band leader comes out and does this celebration of the end of his life. And in his mind, he's going around and kissing all the people goodbye and they're all there to applaud him and cheer him on. And like, this is all strictly fantasy. Like that isn't how people view him. That isn't what's happening. Like in his pre-death fantasy, he's shaking his daughter's hand and saying good luck to his current girlfriend who's with her new boyfriend and saying, you're really gonna miss me to his ex-wife and everyone's thinking he's the best. But then it hard cuts to them zipping up a body bag where he's completely and entirely alone.
And that's reality. Do you know what I mean? It's so true, like, sorry.
I feel like I talked a lot. I just think this movie is really excellent. You brought the movie. That's what we're supposed to, I think that's ultimately what this podcast should be is just people using movies to talk about things that they care about, as opposed to trying. We don't seem to hit as well when we're like, oh, a new movie came out. Here's how it stirred my soul in the three days sense. And it probably works a little bit better when we're like, yeah, it means a lot to you. And actually that's what I think is so interesting. And something that I was gonna mention too for you specifically, Allie, is this presumably it matters to you so much. Obviously it's a good movie in a lot of ways, but there are lots of good movies.
And so for you to be really, really interested in this one is probably, if I had to guess, your interest in theater because you named many people that I don't know or give a shit about. They're all theater people.
And I think, we've talked before about how, like in middle school, you were sort of the kid that wanted to do all these things. Did it feel, it's interesting that you saw this in college as opposed to as an impressionable middle school? It was not an impressionable young child.
It was like, I was already very committed to doing theater with my life. I mean, really, I just think it's like, I think it's like an amazing feat of filmmaking. I really do. And I have showed this movie to people who know a lot about Fosse, and I'm sure this movie to people who have no idea about theater and the reaction is largely pretty similar. I think whenever I'm trying to like sell it to people, I'm like, okay, cool, just a little crash course. This was made by Bob Fosse who already had an Oscar for Best Director. He kind of had like carte blanche to make his next thing because it was like such an amazing feat that he won Best Director for this amazing movie, Cabaret. And what he chose to make was this excoriating view of himself if he had died when he had a near-death experience.
That's what I say. I don't go like, and then the musical numbers and Gwen Verdon, and if you know about this, like that's like where my like elevator pitch ends. And usually that's enough for people to go, okay, that's weird. I'll give that a shot. And like many people do.
And I've yet, I've definitely encountered people who've enjoyed it to various degrees, but I've never encountered somebody who's been like, why the fuck did you make me walk outside? I hated that. Like no one's ever hated it.
Sure. And even, I mean, I will say even the surrealness of it is not, it's not that crazy. Like it's odd to have three surgeons on stage explaining what they're gonna do to his heart over top of each other as if it were a performance. But there's nobody repeatedly giving birth to themselves. You know what I mean? It's not, it's still very followable in my sense. Like I feel like sometimes we see, we've seen movies that are weird and they're a little hard to follow. It's all very clear to me. Like it doesn't feel, I think it took a little while for me to understand that he was talking to the angel of death or whatever, but even that is, yeah, whatever. You see the freaking flight attendant on HBO had that whole thing where she just keeps jumping into her brain to talk to the guy from Game of Thrones or whatever. I didn't know that, but that's fun. Everybody's like, I've seen Stephen Seale, but I can do it better. So I like that.
We're just trying to do it for the rest of our lives.
Yeah, it makes no sense in that show. But the first season's fun. I haven't seen the second season. It doesn't matter.
But I think, I think it's interesting that you say that everybody likes it because I do think there's something to the effect or something appealing to me that may have been less appeared five years ago, which is like, obviously Hollywood makes a lot of movies about Hollywood. And so, the closer you get to that ever mattering to you, the more you're like, oh, I am interested to learn about, apparently it's just naked women dancing. Sounds great. It becomes, you feel it a little bit more because you're like, yeah, it is hard to make things.
And yeah, I love Alka Seltzer and stuff like that. And Visine Drops. Can't get enough of that shit, man.
I mean, I'm sure you have looked at, I am sure you have looked at yourself in the mirror before you had to go film some dumb thing that is your fault. You put yourself in the position of needing to film it and looked yourself dead in the eyes and thought, it's showtime. It's kind of universal. I've done it with music. I don't know if I've done it with anything that I've filmed, but definitely they're like at a stupid church gig or whatever, there's like a bunch of fourth graders. And I'm like, well, it's showtime. It's showtime. To me, I always have a cigarette hanging out of my bottom lip and it's just like, just dead-eyed in the mirror. Thought to film my stupid self tape for something.
I know I'm not gonna book, but I have to do it. Or else I'm gonna have a bad relationship with my agent.
Like, it's just like, it's showtime, baby. It's showtime. Yeah, see, I do that before I go to work as an editor for a website, but I mumble it up.
I dump Alka Seltzer in your eyes. Alka Seltzer in my eye. I accidentally drink the Visine.
I have horrible diarrhea for the next three days.
I'm imagining you now having the insane dream sequence at the end, where you're on the table with the ventilator, but you're also outside yourself directing it. And it's like you directing Sonic the Hedgehog in a ballet with Darth Vader or something insane. Yeah, you all came. There are some vibes of big fish where he meets all his friends and family at the end, but it's just like- You're like, I told you Knuckles was real.
He came at my funeral. He mouth kissed me right before I died.
Now he's pregnant. Now he's pregnant with me.
Jesse's angel of death is just like imagining talking to like the owner of the parent company of the parent company or whatever. He's just, that's all you're doing every day. Don't take me now. Our CEO's boss's boss. Yeah, right now. At the end of a long hallway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And instead of like a flirty banter, it's me like pitching like, hey, what if we like had fan art on site? We can make a new tab at the top of the site. I was like, oh, you're cute.
My question for you, Jordan, because I've seen this movie many a time, but I was trying to watch it with like a specific lens for this rewatch was, what'd you think about the father daughter stuff? I thought you would ask that. Yeah, what'd you think, man?
What I wrote down was, I hope my kid is never that smart or never that insightful into my personal life, I suppose. And that was all I wrote. I mean, ultimately, I appreciated it. So it's, we're gonna do a side note.
I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons with some people and as soon as he doesn't watch- Are you kidding me? Why don't you tell me then?
I haven't been in like seven weeks because we've been doing improv of all things. It's at the same time. But- I mean, what is that, that line that's like, how does it feel to be living my dream? I don't know what you're talking about. I said, fine, I'm old, TikTok. Yeah, yeah, six second loops. So, been playing. I assume this dude's not gonna hop on, but it doesn't matter, I'm gonna say it anyway because I probably should have in IRL. But I knew that they had become a father of a daughter within the last year and I hadn't talked to him forever. And I was like, hey, now you're a dad. That's so cool. How's it going?
And he's like, ah, she's kind of a bitch. And I was like, I hate you. I hate you forever.
As a baby? Yeah, as a one-year-old.
I'm like, if your kid sucks, it's your fault. Also, they are babies. They're just- Well, that's what I'm saying. For what you do. She barely has free will. Right, so either you're reacting unfairly because it's an infant child who's hungry or something, or yeah, you're corrupt. I don't know, it's not, we'll see what they're like 20, but like- Yeah. My baby has my wife's eyes. They're disgusting. Yeah. They're judging me right now.
And so I think pretty early on, he like abandons her even though we promise and stuff like that. So I got the sadness of that, but I had a hard time. I know he like smiles when she dances with his mistress, but I was like, I don't know.
I'm not like- See, my read of that- India's sort of, you know, anyway. To defend that moment as being more important than that. I don't think it's not important. I just think my little heart, I'm like, oh. Yeah.
No, I mean like, again, in a movie where he was nicer to himself, he'd be a better dad. And in a movie where he was nicer to himself, he'd have a scene where he gives her an amazing speech about don't make my mistakes and do, do, do, do, do.
But instead, what we really see is that he hasn't cracked a smile for the first 40 minutes of the film. Everything stresses him out. Nothing gives him pleasure. Nothing's good enough. He's the most exacting bastard on the planet.
And then his daughter choreographs the dance with his new girlfriend and he's moved to tears. Yeah. To tears. And you're like, I guarantee that hasn't happened to him in years. I can't, I can't. Sure. I can't possibly knowing this character imagine the last time he's been so moved by somebody's piece of art that he's like sat and cried about it.
And so it's like, he clearly like adores her and he definitely fears for what her life will be like with him as an influence because in the end when they're having the like nightmare sequence of three of numbers, there's like a trio of back-to-back numbers. That's like the wife, the girlfriend, the daughter. And in the daughters, she's got like her face on up and way too much makeup. And she's wearing like a really, really adult costume. And her song is basically like, you're really gonna miss me when you're gone.
And to me, it feels like the fear of leaving your daughter behind without having really done the right thing and being like, oh no, did I mess her up for life? Will I never see what happens? Like, I think I made a mess her up forever. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and like, I definitely felt bad about those things. But I don't know, it's something that I guess maybe, you know, we'll have to see, we'll have to get further along and I'll have to make more clear mistakes where my daughter is like sad and mad at me for that to register. No, no, I'm not saying that I'm like doing it perfectly. I'm just saying that there are times when I've done or said something that I regretted and she floats away because she doesn't even really comprehend what's going on.
Yeah, totally. And I'm like, whoo, that's funny.
And so, anyway, you know, I think I still, I mostly gravitate towards the, I like dads that care about their daughter's thing, which he does, ostensibly, that's why he is hallucinating about her. He even cares about his ex-wife. She's obviously in that scene as well. He's still working with her. He cares about his mistress, even though he doesn't do a great job of showing it, obviously.
So here's a question for Allie, the Bob Fosse historian. Yes.
How did the rest of his life go? Did he make amends with his family? Did he die of a heart attack? I forget how he died. Yes, he died of exactly what he thought he was gonna die of just later.
And like, the movie is pretty accurate in that like, he had a really messy divorce from Gwen Verdon, but like, they really did remain close collaborators and allies as they got older, especially in so far as they were in agreement that the projects that they worked on together could really benefit their family and their daughter. And that's like, Gwen was sort of like, it's the very least you can do for what you've like, done so my life. Like, the very least you can do is like stage the show, make sure it's as excellent and I know what will be because you worked on it. If I work on it with anybody else, all I'm gonna do is wish that you worked on it. Like, let's just make it good and let's have it run forever and we'll never have to worry about money again, which is very much true.
It feels like, I'm only making this comparison because I recently finished rewatching it, but it feels like a Breaking Bad where Walter White, instead of Walter White being like a chemist, he's good at choreographing and fucking. Totally. Well, and this is a pretty, I mean, the way it happens and the quality to which it does is different, but like, this is a pretty standard genius, tortured genius and I guess that was my point earlier is like, we tend to get these depictions a lot more often. I mean, because to be fair, like who's gonna make a video about the guy who just works hard for 40 years? Totally, I mean, I honestly think that like, one of the closer comparisons to this movie would be something like Social Network, where the attitude of the movie is like, well, this guy's a genius, but God damn, I don't wanna have a conversation with him. However, the interesting part of that being that that movie was made by David Fincher, not by Zuckerberg himself, being like, aren't I a stinker? Do you know what I mean? Like, that's what makes this movie so interesting is that like, it feels like a movie made by somebody else to say like, well, you all think you love Bob Fosse, but what if you really knew what he was like? It's like, it really is him being like, this is what I'm like, I'm telling you with unapologetically that this is who I am. So this is what it actually reminds me of. That's a really good point.
Have you seen, I saw this, there's a Jared Leto documentary directed by Jared Leto, and there's so many scenes of him being weird and like, ooh, what a weirdo. He's got such odd thoughts, but then when you realize he's chosen every one of those to show you, I don't know. It's just, it's such an interesting, it's curated weirdness.
And so, whatever. I don't necessarily have a problem with it because I think there's something fascinating to that as well, to your point. Like, what if Zuckerberg made social network where he just, like, it would be interesting to see how he explains the hot or not part of Facebook's history. My guess is that- Just want to find a wife. In a movie about, in a movie or a biography or something made about him by him, it would be a lot less exacting and it would be a lot less, it would be a lot more flattering. And like, part of the appeal of this movie is that like- It's not technically him.
Yeah, and what he says is like, I am venturing to say I'm a genius. I really do think I'm a genius. Like, he is saying that. Do you know what I mean?
The characters will guard me as such and I will behave as such. But that's it. That's all I got going for me. Everything else is demonstrably worse because of my attitude and my approach. And so like, yes, the editor sits down and goes like, Jesus Christ, it's better. I put him through hell to do it. I was right.
I don't know if that makes it capital C correct in terms of like being a person who makes art. I don't know.
The movie, I think like this reaction is the intended reaction. Like, I don't think he was like, I think people are gonna walk out of this movie and love me. Like, I really think he wanted us to be having this exact conversation 30 years later. Just realized the character who I most empathize with in the movie is John Lithgow or Gao, John Lithgow.
He's just a hardworking dude just looking for a shot. Thought he was gonna have it. He did all that work for free.
I'm pretty sure he's supposed to be Hal Prince. I think like he's like the stand-in for this Broadway director Hal Prince who was like a, was a Titan of the industry. I don't know if you ever wanna fall down that rabbit hole someday, but I think that's who he was like meant to stand in for. Yeah, I'm gonna be a Titan someday.
I'm gonna be a Rockefeller. I'm gonna make trains. I'm gonna make them arrive on time.
Yeah, Jordan Teen Titan Breeding. There you go. Titan up.
I know that all of you don't prioritize, or both of you don't prioritize this podcast and have places to be. Do we wanna go over to the unwashed masses as I affectionately, the cracked heads? I mean, I would like to know if people- Cracked heads? I would like to know if people have seen this movie. And if so- It's like a lot of people have.
I feel like we haven't talked about the musical numbers, which is kind of crazy in a movie that like has musical numbers. So I'd like to know about that. Talk about some frigging music crap. So I wasn't sure a couple of times if the musical numbers are supposed to be jokes or if they're all dead serious.
Just like so much just like scatting and snapping and stuff that I guess, I've seen so many parodies of it that when I see somebody like being very earnest and like snapping while looking into the camera, I'm like, oh, it's a joke, fine. No, he invented snapping and looking into the camera, unfortunately. Well, did he literally? I know he invented a lot of like weird dancing shit that I assumed was just, had been around since- Did we just change?
Yeah, I think we did. We're trying to do something else. Okay, we're back.
Oh my God. What if I hadn't been wearing pants? I'm just kidding. Yay!
What's up? What I'm curious, Ali, like what dance stuff did he revolutionize? Yeah.
So like his dream was always to be like the next Fred Astaire, essentially. Like he wanted to be like a slick song and dance man, but wasn't built like that. Like literally physically he didn't have the long legs and the long torso. And he was like a lot more athletic than Suave. And he always had like a slickness as opposed to like a charm.
Like people would see him try and do like a charm song and dance number and be like, you're weird. You kind of make me feel bad, not good. There is something weird about the sexuality of the seventies between Bob Fosse getting all the ass he wants, Bob Ross also, like a weird kind of weird guy looking guy. Sure, I guess. But yes, so like he sort of in retaliation was like, why don't I invent a form of dance that plays to my strengths that really goes completely in the face of like what we think of as like classic musical theater dance.
Thanks, Ondipo. I hope you're sponsoring us. That's literally what I was just about to ask. Can you sponsor us?
So like, as opposed to like a long balletic extended arm, they're always like very close to the body. It's like elbows into the rib cage. And instead of like ballet hands, oh my God, how do I do this? You know what I mean? Like gentle and delicate. It's like splayed like wide and like gloves and yes, and like very small, very controlled movements, much more athletic and less balletic. A lot of like up and down floor work.
Like I think honestly, if you want a really good example of it, you can pull up in this movie, the Anne ranking number from the dream sequence, which is called You Better Change Your Ways. And what she's doing is like, there's a whole section of it where she's just standing on one leg and she's moving so much, but not at all. That's like a really good example if anybody's watching us and actually wants to like be like, what is Pomp Fossey dance? Like go watch that one.
This is all, it's all coming back to me now. What got me actually psyched about Bob Fossey when you and the other musical theater nerds were teaching me about him, is that like he wanted to be this very specific type of star, he realized his limitations and then he was kind of like, fuck you, I'm gonna make my own genre. Yeah, totally. That's cool as hell. It is cool. Now I'm behind him getting all kinds of sex and drugs and stuff. That makes sense to me now.
Yeah, so is there any of that is mainstream today? Yes, so another really interesting thing people could watch should you be interested is there is a made for TV movie of the story, The Little Prince. It's a musical, it's not very good. You do not need to watch the full thing.
There is one number that is performed by Bob Fossey and choreographed by Bob Fossey and he is playing the snake. I don't know if you're familiar with Little Prince, but there's a snake.
He does, he does Michael Jackson. He basically moonwalks, he's got wearing a black suit with a bowler hat and one white glove. It is like a, and admittedly, Michael Jackson wasn't like, what, no, I didn't say that.
He was like, Bob Fossey is the reason I dance the way that I dance. That fully made it into that part of that. Cool as hell. And if you happen to be a fan of Paula Abdul, sorry, couldn't remember, she has a music video that is a direct reference to all that jazz where she's like, we've been working on it, it's so sexy, you're gonna love it. And then they basically do the take off with us number from all that jazz. And it's like fully Fossey choreography and it's like on the scaffolding and we're all half naked and stuff like, it's all very in the culture. Like it was pretty- And guess who directed that music video?
Who? Don Ross. Dave Fincher. Full circle.
Is that true? Oh, yeah. I know that, that's really cool. I'm gonna click it. It's the same one. Yep.
That's crazy. He used to do music videos, that was his whole thing until he did Alien 3. That's crazy. That's really cool honestly, like what a fun fact.
Yeah. So when this movie, I'm just now, I'm just like really fascinated with like the, where this fits in like the history of the entertainment industry. So when this movie came out, okay, so he just won the whatever. Yeah, the whatever. Was he at the peak of his fame or was he like, did he get more famous because of this movie or did his career go on to continue exploding? I mean, he didn't live all that much longer to be honest. Okay.
But yes, he was already a huge success on Broadway. He'd already won like many Tonys. He had like, you know, a bunch of things like that. Then he made a huge splash with directing Cabaret first stage for film and made like got Oscars for that. He won a bunch of Emmys. He did like the, he did the staging and choreography for Liza with a Z. He won like an Emmy for that. So he was like, he was pretty at the, he was pretty famous at this point and like pretty much at the top of his career. And this movie specifically he won the Palme d'Or, which is like a big thing if you care about that kind of thing. And so like, this was a big, this was a big success when he was already pretty darn famous.
Then he died. Yeah, I was gonna say he only made like two other things. One play and one movie it looks like. Yeah, and like the movie that he's editing in this movie is, that's called The Standup in this movie is Lenny, which is like the Lenny Bruce movie that had like Dustin Hoffman, which was like not really a hit. I don't know. He had some ups and downs. He did Sweet Charity. That was kind of a, not a hit at all.
Really mostly like his style of dance became so, it's like synonymous with like, I mean, like I was gonna say with Fosse, duh. But like to have like a style of dance named after you specifically that it's like a one word thing and everybody knows what you're talking about. So like, it's more like, you know, 20 years later they were doing a show on Broadway called Fosse that was just like only his best numbers restaged. And like, you would go to see a two hour musical and it would only be like the best Fosse numbers.
Like, how cool is that? That like, you've made such an impact in that way. Yep. All right. We really need to throw it to the masses because some of you are here. Yes, masses, masses. And some of you have other things. All right. So many old titles at the beginning. Roxas, Ro-Hoss, Ro-Rosas, the hero of time says that I'm a staple in his house. Great, thanks. That's nice.
Oh, no, too late. Jordan, get out of their houses. He's gone.
They're excited. How excited you were.
Thank you. They thought it was a self-help podcast. That's interesting. It actually is.
Breakup advice says, Michael H. Do you need to be- Don't do it, don't do it. I would say that Fosse would tell you to just start sleeping with somebody else immediately. Yeah, I have no followup.
And obviously everything worked well for him. He was happy, famously, and never miserable and it all worked great.
Somebody wanted, Two Worlds says, so can we talk about all that jazz vibes that I got from watching Joker? Especially the scenes with him putting on his face paint in the mirror. I mean, I do think, so regardless of whether it's this film specifically, I do think 70s movies feel similar. Something about the editing, something about the way that the camera worked. Even when I was just watching this movie, I was like, it feels 70s. I don't even know how to describe it. It's a lot of these weird zooms, like manual zooms and the hard cuts from, we are talking about weird thing here and now it's the angel of death. And there's not a lot of flowing into things. It's a lot of this scene, this scene. And also obviously the film grain and everything like that, the weird. I don't know why, every 70s movie I've ever seen, the audio entirely cuts out except for some really awkward Foley effects. Like in that scene where everybody starts laughing at the jokes in the script and he's not, I think he's probably having a heart attack, is why he's not hearing things, but he's snapping pencils and stuff like that.
Feels like a thing that I've seen a lot. Anyway, so Joker, the movie is of that era. It's a taxi driver rip off and all that stuff. So I think that's why it feels that way. Even irrespective of all that jazz, it's just of that intentionally evocative of that era, I think, or you're gonna say just. It's reminding me of a class I took in college. It was sort of, it was just something about the history of film and there was a long time where like, and I think it kind of led into the 70s, like when film was almost, could almost be viewed as like a sculpture.
Oh, what's up?
Thank you, Angela. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
But yeah, thinking of film as a sculpture. And so like back in the, I know this is late 70s and so it's not, it's close to modern, but still there was some like rougher edges when they were like, they were using it as more of an art, there was still remnants of when it was like an art form more than like a storytelling form, I guess. I do feel that. Yeah, not that they're mutually exclusive, but there was a lot more like now, if you're making a film, you know exactly like what the cuts are gonna be and all that kind of stuff, but. Yeah, I mean, like, and also now when you're making a film, you know the first people who see it will be some semblance of a test audience. And so you were like, whether or not you admit it, like writing with an end goal in mind. And like, I really don't think that that was like part of it here.
So also famously, this movie, like, he went over budget. He was not supposed to, but as you know, Bob Fuzz doesn't listen to people, he went over budget.
So he was gonna air it, he was gonna air what they had and put together to, I don't know whether it was Fox or something like that. And they were prepared to be like, listen, man, you made what you made, you're gonna put together what you put together and that's what's gonna happen here. And then they aired it and they were like, fucking good, fuck. And so they had to like co-pro it with another studio who put up the last like 3 million or whatever it was to finish it because it was so stupid good.
Like, again, like, I find this all very fascinating because like, I'm not that kind of a person. Do you know what I mean? Like, if somebody told me I had a budget, I would be like, yes, sir. I would never in a million years be like, I'll go over budget and see what happens.
But I am fascinated by like the history of this and the portrayal of himself in the movie being exactly what he's like in real life. Like, it's like, it's literally happening. The musical in the show, in the fictional movie and YLA is going over budget and they're mad at him. And in real life, he's going over budget on all that jazz and they're mad at him. Like, it's all happening. Maybe he wrote and filmed that scene when he was getting to the top of the budget and showed them that part and was like, right?
Perhaps, like in the Tate's art. Yeah.
And then I think as far as like Joker specifically too, yeah, it's just a lot of, just so happens that he's a standup comic just trying to make it the big world. He's a genius, just like, you know, Bob Fosse. Is he a genius in the movie?
No, not at all. Okay. He's a murderous little crappy clown. He's just a man. Who among us aren't? A murderous little crappy clown. Oh, this is cute.
So found out Penumbra. I'm sorry, you guys have such weird names on YouTube. I found out that my nine year old son is really in Dungeons and Dragons and now I'm having to learn about how, about it by trips to the library and internet. I hope he becomes a wizard. Any tips?
I don't think the point of the game is to be good at it necessarily. I mean, I think it depends on what you want, what your son wants from it. But I think that's kind of the beauty of the game, right? So I think ultimately what's going to work best for your nine year old is if you play with them at all. True. I would also say as a, not as a DM, but as a player. So if you're like playing with your son, not running the game, but like you guys are playing together, if he's playing with other people, affirming other people's choices, even if you disagree with them as the character, it's totally okay.
It's better. It is okay for you as Jordan to go, well, I famously don't get along with Alec's character. I think what she's doing is stupid, but not to stop me from doing it in game. So do you know what I mean? Like you can, it's a very fun experience because it's improv and you do have to say yes, but you can also like have, I played for years a character who was really stupid. And so I would be like, I know that this is probably stupid, but I know my character wouldn't not walk in. So like, I'm going to walk in. Stuff like that is good. And the more you are upfront about it, I think it leads to less like resentment and weirdness at the table where you can be like, I think Jordan's character is making a mistake, but I'm not going to stop Jordan for having fun. Like Jordan should go make that mistake. And then when I need to go like save his ass, I'll go do that. Yeah. And I think again, it's the stories that you make. Like I spend most of my time arguing that they should be paying me more because I'm better. My character tends to win fights more often than theirs at this low stage, because I'm like a freaking goliath or whatever. I love it. It's just, I think it's mostly about having fun.
What's weird is my dad who does stamps. I can't remember if I've mentioned that. He's one of the people in the world who makes stamps. They're doing the Dungeons and Dragons line. And so he's been learning a lot about it. And I honestly, I still don't know very much about it. I just have been sort of playing and then I got upset with one of my travelers about his daughter, but that's fine.
I found it's helpful to actually watch them. I mean, whatever, like D&D or tabletop role play games are like getting more and more popular and it's worth checking them out. Like I was able to see like what's possible by watching some of these shows.
So if you happen to like this podcast, Ally had a D&D podcast. What was it called? Second best. I had a D&D podcast for truly years that we worked really hard on. It was called Second Best D&D. And I played a big dumb idiot.
And I miss him every day. I love him.
Yes, check that out. All right, we got seven more minutes.
So what's jazz? What's jazz? Great question.
Well, wasn't jazz like just a classic example of a word that meant sex originally and then people used it. Like rock and roll? Yeah. Well, maybe potentially. I don't know if that's actually true, but like- Like it was like slang for sex? For fucking, yeah. Like a lot of, there's like a history of like, yeah, these like what was at one time fringe genres of music and dancing that like, you know, people like the, you know, old folks were like, this is, this is too sexual. This is a tool of the devil. Anyway, I think jazz literally meant sex at one point, but anyway. Wow. I would say jazz is all the friends we made along the way. So they, a lot of people think that it's actually from Jasm, which is a slang term meaning like pep or energy. And then at some point when Broadway got to it- Jesse and I both went the exact same thing and we went, and then went, hmm. Hmm. Like, it's the same journey. And then at some point Broadway picked it up and added Z's to it. And people thought that made it sound dirty. So I think it's a little bit of both. Like, I think it was jazz or something with an S. It was originally called cum. Yeah.
Which meant pep. I got pep all over my step.
Yeah, somebody was just, they were mentioning that it's a lot of the like, it's referenced in a lot of things like an American dad or whatever. So you see a lot of stupid versions of this all the time. So when you watch the actual inspiration, it's like, oh, that's dumb. That's like that cartoon I got. Stephen Guy remembers this as a kid as dark, smoky dance floor with naked ladies and finger snapping. You're not wrong. That totally happens.
That's also Ali's apartment. Yeah, it was actually filmed on location here before I was born. And then I was like, I have to live here.
Yeah, get out of here naked ladies and smoke. Thank you for covering this movie. They also recommend Boston musical, which you did.
Yeah, yeah. This is Callie Meyers Buchanan. Wow, you really want somebody to find your social and blow up your house. Stop, don't scare her. Well, it's this the internet. You got to grow up sometime. It's either full of names or nicknames you can't pronounce. You got to pick one. Yeah.
Is this one of the actresses? So she's not one of the main actresses. She's one of the dancers.
I think it was her first movie. She's like a real classic babe from like Cone of the Barbarian and things like that. Like she was like a movie babe.
Is she the topless one or whatever? I got to be honest, I don't think so. If I remember correctly, I think she's mostly in the opening dance sequence, when he's like really working with those girls, trying to like cast them in the show. I got to be honest, I don't remember. I don't know if her character has like a character name. Okay, yeah, great. She could have had a bigger role because I didn't know her at all.
Are we going to do the older Dungeons and Dragons movie? Has that affected any of you personally in a deep way? Are you going to watch the Chris Pine one? I'll go see that. I'll watch that.
I feel like it'd be fun. It would be fun if everybody went with their little D&D groups, D&D movie. Do you know what I mean? It's like a cute little thing that you can do together. I mean, it's going to happen.
I don't know if I like my, well, I like a lot of them. True, I'm just like, I don't know if I like my friends.
Anyway, moving on to the next thing. All right, we're going to do alternate titles because we've got three minutes. So actually, why don't we start with Jesse at the disco before he has to sign off.
Great. Well, funny. You should say that. Prescriptions in the bathroom. Okay, all those nips, all that junk. Okay. Okay, well, you're not going to like this one.
Horny dancing with my dad. I don't like how they dance together and how she called him daddy. I didn't want to bring it up earlier, but really bugged me.
You were like, no, I'm going to say this. This is going to pretty bad be the thing, but. Okay, here we go. We'll end on this one.
Dr. Hyman's in China. It's his name. His name is Dr. Hyman.
Yeah. And he- Hike my cat. Hike my cat staring at me through the door. Sorry. Well, yep. So we got those. Let's go to the people. Yeah.
Joe Maximus pitched like six titles because Joe- Great. Are you with your kid right now? Are you with Wyatt? Did Wyatt pitch them? Anyway, Joe's got Smoke LaHoma.
I mean, I like it. Yeah, I like it a lot.
That tie-dye died and got reincarnated as a sexual harassment lawsuit. Pretty involved.
Sticky Pants, the musical. Sex, Drugs, and Broadway's Droll. Is Droll?
Interesting. I think so. And Before Tatas. These are pretty weird, Joe. I mean, I would argue the movie has shown, the movie posits that tatas are everywhere. And that they're actually a little scary. Are they? Yeah, I guess.
In this movie, they're sort of like, ooh, my life is messed up now. Daira, Daira says, Fear and Loathing in New York.
Pretty good. That's a good one, like that.
Yeah, they've changed almost every time, I think. Good job. I've been cataloging. We got All That Ass, which is similar to some of these other ones. Absolutely Not Nickelodeon's All That. That's true. By Stephen Guy.
And alt, so yeah, Jizz, which is Star Wars Jazz. I do think that as a title is funny. And I wonder if that would get us past censors. Ooh. It's like in Star Wars, which is jazz. Trying to get rid of that. All that Jizz parentheses, which is, you know, like it's Star Wars. Which is jazz in Star Wars.
Yeah. What is the language they speak in Star Wars, I think is basic, right? Is that what it's called? Yeah, that's what English is. Yeah, basic. Yeah, yeah.
God. And Jizz was in a hurry. He had some toys to dream up.
Yeah. Like indeed it's common. You're like, stop just being mean to me. I'm sweet. Speak English. You're in America. Exactly. Okay, I'll speak common then, fine. Speak normal.
The ones I had before we go to you, Allie, since this is your movie. So you get to have the final say. I did actually do the movie. I had, we're gonna need a bigger jazz.
We didn't talk about that, but he's also in Jaws. And he's so good in this movie and he's so good in Jaws. And also this movie, this role wasn't supposed to be his.
It was supposed to be Richard Dreyfus who then dropped out.
And it's kind of a miracle that he's in this role and it's all great. Everything worked out for the best.
Yeah, so we're gonna need a bigger jazz. And yeah, All She Jazzed is what we already had from earlier. I do like All She Jazzed and my only pitch is Murder She Jazzed. Murder She Jazzed.
But nobody got murdered. It doesn't.
That's true. He murdered himself. What is that? Didn't he murder himself? Yeah.
Too much effervescence. Too much ennui.
Yeah, great. I think that's it. We got everybody. We're done. Totsaws are scary. Good job everybody.
This is Fresh Boy JB. There you go. It's like somebody that might be, oh, that's a different person. Hold on. Fresh Boy JB right here.
Then you're not gonna like this movie. Um, that's it, you know? Good movie. Yeah, you know. You should watch it.
It's on the, it's on Tubi? Tubby? Tubi. Tubi, which might be the only streaming service left soon.
So get on that, I suppose. Yeah. And also this movie tends to disappear a lot, which is strange. Like there was like a two or three year period where I couldn't show this movie to anybody because it was like not on anything. And I had to like start letting people DVDs. So if you're gonna watch it, I would say just watch it soon before it all goes away. Yeah. I'm glad that this movie was fine with it, but when I was watching all the Saw movies, I saw Saw 8 on like Peacock or something. And it was the most unsettling thing where they're like, somebody's getting their leg ripped off and it'll be like, vegetables.
You love them. And you're like, ha. Ha.
I do love vegetables. Please warm up my leg. I'll eat my vegetables.
Or at the end, it would be like chop, chop, chop. Here comes your hello, fresh. It's just like blood squirting everywhere in your life.
My point being that on 2B, you have to watch ads, but it's not as stressful as it was when I was watching Jigsaw, the eighth Saw movie. Not the last. Sure was amazing, yeah. 2B, check it out. It was pretty good for that kind of thing.
And that's it, we're done. We're gonna say goodbye.
Jess is gonna go live on the street. Ally's gonna go hang out with children. Oh no, I don't know what you're doing. You're watching a show. I am, I will see teens tonight, I'm gonna go see you at my show tonight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, awesome. That's it, goodbye, farewell. Thanks for watching, everybody.
Goodbye, little names. Don't scare her. Well, it's this the internet, you gotta grow up sometime. It's either full of names or nicknames you can't pronounce, you gotta pick one.
Yeah. Was there it?
Is this one of the actresses? So she's not one of the main actresses, she's one of the dancers. I think it was her first movie. She's like a real classic babe from like Cone of the Barbarian and things like that. Like she was like a movie babe.
Is she the topless one or whatever? I gotta be honest, I don't think so. If I remember correctly, I think she's mostly in the opening dance sequence when he's like really working with those girls, trying to like cast them in the show. But I gotta be honest, I don't remember. I don't know if her character has like a character name. Okay, yeah, great. She could have had a bigger role because I didn't know her at all.
Are we gonna do the older Dungeons and Dragons movie? Has that affected any of you personally in a deep way? Are you gonna watch the Chris Pine one? I don't go see that. I watch that.
I feel like it'd be fun. It would be fun if everybody went with their little D&D groups, D&D movie. You know what I mean? It's like a cute little thing that you can do together. I mean, it's gonna happen.
I don't know if I like my, well, I like a lot of them. Sure, I'm just like, I don't know if I like my friends.
Anyway, moving on to the next thing. All right, we're gonna do alternate titles because we've got three minutes. So actually, why don't we start with Jesse at the disco before he has to sign off.
Great. Well, funny, you should say that. Prescriptions in the bathroom. Okay, all those nips, all that junk. Okay. Okay, well, you're not gonna like this one.
Horny dancing with my dad. I don't like how they dance together and how she called him daddy. I didn't wanna bring it up earlier, but really bugged me.
You were like, I'm gonna say this. This is gonna pretty badly be the thing, but. Okay, here we go. We'll end on this one.
Dr. Hyman's in China. It's his name, Hyman? His name is Dr. Hyman, yeah. And he...
Hike my cat. Hike my cat staring at me through the door.
All right. Well, yep, so we got those. Let's go to the people. Yeah. Joe Maximus pitched like six titles because Joe. Great.
Are you with your kid right now? Are you with Wyatt? Is Wyatt there? Did Wyatt pitch them?
Anyway, Joe's got Smoke LaHoma. I mean, I like it. Yeah, I like it a lot. That tie-dye died and got reincarnated as a sexual harassment lawsuit. Pretty involved.
Sticky Pants, the musical. Sex, Drugs, and Broadway's Droll. Is Droll?
Interesting. I think so. And The Land Before Tatas. These are pretty weird, Joe. I mean, I would argue the movie has shown, the movie posits that tatas are everywhere and that they're actually a little scary. Are they? Yeah, I guess. In this movie, they're just sort of like, ooh, my life is messed up now. Daira, Daira says Fear and Loathing in New York.
Pretty good. A good one like that.
Yeah, they've changed almost every time, I think. Good job. Yeah, I've been cataloging. We got All That Ass, which is similar to some of these other ones. Absolutely Not Nickelodeon's All That. That's true. By Stephen Guy.
And alt, so yeah, Jizz, which is Star Wars Jazz. I do think that as a title is funny because I wonder if that would get us past censors. Ooh. It's like in Star Wars, which is jazz. Trying to get rid of that. All that Jizz parentheses, which is, you know, like it's Star Wars. Which is jazz in Star Wars, yeah. What is the language they speak in Star Wars, I think is basic, right?
Is that what it's called? Yeah, that's what English is. Yeah, basic. Yeah, yeah.
George Lucas was in a hurry. He had some toys to dream up. Yeah, like in Jizz, it's common.
You're like, stop just being mean to me. I'm afraid.
Speak English, you're in America. Exactly. Okay, I'll speak common then, fine. Speak normal.
The ones I had before we go to you, Allie, since this is your movie. So you get to have the final say. I did actually. We're gonna need a bigger jazz.
We didn't talk about that, but he's also in Jaws. And he's so good in this movie and he's so good in Jaws. And also this movie, this role wasn't supposed to be his.
It was supposed to be Richard Dreyfuss who then like dropped out. And like, it's like kind of a miracle that he's in this role and it's all great. Everything worked out for the best.
Yeah, so we're gonna need a bigger jazz. And yeah, All She Jazzed is what we already had from earlier. I do like All She Jazzed. And my only pitch is murder, she jazzed. Murder, she jazzed.
But nobody got murdered. It doesn't. Yeah, that's true.
He murdered himself. Didn't he murder himself?
Yeah, too much effervescence. Too much on we.
Yeah, great. I think that's it. We got everybody. We're done.
Totsaws are Scary, so it's Fresh Boy JB. There you go. Looks like somebody that might be, oh, that's a different person. Hold on. Fresh Boy JB right here.
Then you're not gonna like this movie. That's it, you know? Good movie. Yeah, you know. You should watch it.
It's on the, it's on Tubi? Tubi. Tubi, which might be the only streaming service left soon. So get on that, I suppose.
Yeah, and also this movie tends to disappear a lot, which is strange. Like there was like a two or three year period where I couldn't show this movie to anybody because it was like not on anything and I had to like start letting people DVDs. So if you're gonna watch it, I would say just watch it soon before it all goes away. Yeah, I'm glad that this movie was fine with it, but when I was watching all the Saw movies, I saw Saw 8 on like Peacock or something and it was the most unsettling thing where they're like, somebody's getting their leg ripped off and it'll be like, vegetables.
You love them. And you're like, ah.
I do love vegetables. Please don't rub my leg, I'll eat my vegetables.
Or at the end, it would be like, chop, chop, chop. Here comes your Hello Fresh. It's just like blood squirting everywhere and you're like.
This was not, you do have to, my point being that on Tubi, you have to watch ads, but it's not as stressful as it was when I was watching Jigsaw, the eighth Saw movie, not the last. Sure was amazing, yeah. Tubi, check it out. It was pretty good for that kind of thing.
And that's it, we're done. We're gonna say goodbye.
Jess is gonna go live on the street. Ally's gonna go hang out with children.
Oh no, I don't know what you're doing. You're watching a show. I am, I will see teens tonight, but I'm gonna go see a Broadway show tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, awesome.
That's it, goodbye, farewell. Thanks for watching everybody. Goodbye. |
SaturdayNightLive | old_home_movies_snl | All right, I put all the food away and now my kitchen is clean, Please Nobody go in there and mess it up.
Yes, Ma'am. Now. what are y'all watching? Dad's old home movies? Wait, what's going on? Hey kids, it's me Daddy.
If you're watching this video, it means I'm already dead. He's upstairs on the toilet, where did you find this tape? I hid this tape in a box labeled big Fish that I caught so your mama wouldn't watch it.
There's so much that I want to tell you kids that your mama don't know. Now by now the lawyers have probably informed you that I am flat broke. I was too embarrassed to say anything. No, man wants to have to tell his family.
I blew my whole retirement on Jb. Smooves New sports bent now already. I just downloaded that form last week.
Walter, Get down here. Oh, well, we can't let daddy know we saw this. And don't worry about my funeral. I took care of everything. all you got to do is pay for it. Daddy, Make this video. is he sick? ain't no telling What finally took me out. Could have been a runner, could have been cuz I ain't drank a glass of water. and since 2003 could have been Jb Smoove coming to collect. That's me coming down. let's turn this off. that was only his first flush. we still got about 20 minutes. Let's see. what else? what else?
Also, I got a secret daughter. A secret daughter.
Oh my God. Well, it's not how you think I would never cheat on your mother Raw. The truth is, I was a sperm donor back in the day, but I never would have done that had I known that they was gonna use that sperm to make babies. Think they were gonna use it for and to my only son, Walter Jr. I want to apologize for passing down the erectile dysfunctions. now. you may not have it right now, but you definitely will cuz you are my son. That's why I am leaving you my special pump. I even put some googly eyes on it. so the girl know what it is. Now I might not get you all the way there, but trust me. it'll get you close enough. The best dad or the best husband. But I want you kids to know that I tried my very best to write the greatest crime drama Hollywood has ever seen.
It's called Dallas City Bouncers. A City Bouncers.
Oh God, not this stupid movie.
Open on windy Dallas night. Lone saxophone cries out in the distance.
Camera reveals Detective Rico Tremaine played by the brother from Django Unchained. what's his name? Jamie Foxx. You know, the main brother that play rate Jamie Foxx. he was on the Jamie Foxx show. he was the man.
I can't with this man. just fast forward past this movie idea from the Dvd sales, you should be able to pay back Jb Smooth once involved. I think that's the shower. Yeah, so we got more time hit play.
As I was saying, i want you kids to give this important message to your mama for me, baby? when I met you, you were the smartest, most beautiful girl at the disco and I was just some struggling back-up singer for the Commodores. I just want to tell you I was never a backup singer for the Commodores.
I can't believe your father lied to me. I can't believe he gave me the erectile dysfunction.
Also, baby, I have something that's very valuable. it's buried in a top-secret location. Wait, what is it? But before I tell you that, let me tell you about Dallas City Bouncers to Rico's Revenge. Oh lord, just fast forward. it's gonna be starring What's his name? he sings R&b to. you know, I'm talking about. |
TheOnion | New_Sony_Nose_Buds_Allow_Users_To_Blast_Different_Smells_Into_Nostrils | Sony released this week the Nasal HD 340s, a brand new pair of high quality nosebuds designed to let users blast different scents into their nostrils throughout the day. The onion-like consumers across the nation sound off about their excitement for the new product. I've always got them in my nose, at work, at the gym, on the bus, wherever. These days I can't stop smelling tennis ball. Retailing for $49.99, the nosebuds accompany the launch of Sony's new online odor store, which sells over 22,000 different smells for download and immediate inhalation. I can't wait to get mine. I mean, I love the smell of pine cone, but my roommate likes the smell of toast. And now we can just smell our own things in peace. Plus, I want to carry this big bag of stuff I like to smell everywhere I go. Still, not everyone is quite as enthusiastic about the new product.
These things suck. I mean, a lot of times it only works out of the right nostril. The other day I tried smelling picnic table, it smelled more like hardwood floor. And also, to be honest, I have a really hard time breathing with these things on. For more on this story, check this week's Onion Review. |
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