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SaturdayNightLive | julianne_moore_monologue_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, this is an amazing year. I just had a baby. and my new film, The Big Lebowski, just came out. And I've also been nominated for an Academy Award for best supporting actress for Boogie Night. And you know, regardless of who wins, I got to say it's just a thrill to be in the same company as the other nominees. I had a chance to meet them all. Kim Basinger, Joan Cusack, Minnie Driver, and Gloria Stewart from Titanic. Gloria, you're here. Well, I just wanted to stop by and wish you luck at the Academy Awards. that's so sweet. Well, you deserve it, dear, because you're a fine, fine young actress with a great career ahead of you. the Academy won't vote for a wrinkly, sprinkly old woman like myself. Sure they would, Gloria. you were great in Titanic. you deserve to win as much as the rest of us. No one wants to give an award to someone who's lived through the depression and to world wars. of course they would. they'd much rather give it to someone like you, who takes her clothes off whenever the camera starts rolling. that's not true.
Oh, cut the crap. What? nothing, nothing.
Well, I'd best be on my way off to die. don't say that. Julianne, would you be kind enough to grant me one final request? Oh, yeah. what is it? would you help me perform my favorite scene from Titanic one last time? Of course. let's do the scene that plays to your strengths, Ok? I'm sketching a drawing of you, and you strip nude. Oh, come on. please, it's the last movie I'll ever make. You see, I lost out on the rapping Grandma part in the Wedding Singer. I was this close. everybody knew me, everyone knew me. I'd really like to help, but I'm hosting a show. Just let me have a brief moment in the light. you'll have 90 minutes more to jiggle and shake or whatever you do. Yeah, all right. well, we'll be doing the scene on page 78. then we'll let the audience decide who's the better actor. you or me? Gloria, I'd rather not. I'll be playing my part, Rose, the character with the rich tapestry of life. And you'll be playing oceanographer number three. it's not really fair. I don't know if there's one in it. it starts with you. damn it, pick up your cue!
So, Rose, what happened next? as we clutched hands in the Icc, Jack said, Rose, Promise me you will survive. I promise I will never let go, Jack. I'll never let you draw his last breath. that was the last time I ever saw him.
You're at the Oscars, baby! |
dropout | bleep_bloop_new_8_bit_games | Welcome to Bleep Bloop, College Humor's Weekly Video Game Show. I'm your host Jeff Rubin, and this week I'm here with College Humor's Patrick Castles and Amir Blumenfeld. And our guest is comedian Joe Mandy.
Hi. Hey guys! Ready to play some video games? Born ready.
This week we're playing Mega Man 9, which even though it just came out, looks like an old Nintendo game. So the idea is they made an 8-bit Nintendo game, but just released it this week. There's been nerds at home doing this stuff for years and just making new Nintendo games. Some guy just made this in his face. Someone just made this at home. This is Donkey Kong Country 4, so it's kind of a sequel to the Super Nintendo's Donkey Kong Country 3, except it's on an 8-bit Nintendo system.
Look at him go.
Isn't this crazy though? There's no Donkey Kong Country game. I sound like I'm crazy. Like, aren't you guys just, isn't this insane? Has nobody seen this? There's no Donkey Kong Country game for Nintendo.
This person had to make their own graphics and stuff. And it's not just like one level proof of concept. There's a whole game here. I like that he went backwards in like video game land. The Super Nintendo version has better graphics, but he wanted a version that was...
Right. Weird thing to do where you're just like, I wonder what this would look like but shit. Yeah. It's a very specific niche. You know, I think he's called Donkey Kong because this was like developed in Japan and they don't know the difference between donkeys and gorillas. Yep. They all taste the same over there. It's like the Ninja Turtles level where you swim in. Yeah, I was going to say that.
Even homemade remakes have to include a crappy underwater level. It's apparently some sort of video gaming wall. You can destroy the copyright law. That doesn't matter as long as you include an underwater level that nobody likes.
The founding fathers were very high that day. What's next, Jeff?
This is Mario Adventure by Dark Days and he kind of took Mario 3 apart and put it together in this new and challenging way. How long does it take to make a game like this? I actually read an interview with Dark Days and we'll link to it beneath.
Oh, I see it. It's right over there. Let me click on it.
No way. Finish watching the video first. Okay, sorry.
16 months is what he said. What? It took 16 months to make this and he lives in Tennessee and he works at a fast food restaurant.
Is that true? That's all true. Well, I guess none of that surprises me.
I would be in Maine with this kid, but I think this is kind of, it's pretty impressive. This guy definitely sat down with a notebook and sketched out these levels. Do you think Dark Days can create a game so hard not even Dark Days can beat it? Possibly. I think the movie Dark Days. If the object is to get a girlfriend, then you probably won't be able to beat that. Well, isn't that the object of Mario? Oh yeah. Could I get Dark Days to make a game for me? Only if you were Mario.
The bullets go backwards. Sarah, you got to see this. It's like a Mario ROM hack and the bullets are going. Come check this out.
Where are you going? Are you going on a date? Bring your attractive friends.
She's not coming. You don't understand.
It's Dark Days. Yes, the Dark Days. I said Dark Days.
What he did here was just take level 1-1 from the first Mario and just kind of expand it so like everything, you know, it's like that first classic setup of everything is just four times bigger than it was supposed to be. It's fitting though because this is what I remember Mario 1 looking like when I was a kid. When you were small. When I was a child. This is how big it seemed.
They released Mega Man 9 for Wii, PlayStation 3, and 360 and you can just download it. You don't have to go to a store to buy it. You just don't get off the couch and put in your credit card. You don't have to interact with the single human being.
It is legit game. It's like this is not a hack we should say for the record. This is not like Dark Days can make this. Right.
But they took away the slide and the charge shot. So it's even relative to other Mega Man games, it's retro. It's like Mega Man 2, not like Mega Man 7. It seems a lot harder than your average Mega Man 1. Yeah, it's really hard. It's like weird, historical revisions. What is going on? Like in addition to every bad guy, there's also just like this floating saw that just aims at you. Old Mega Man games are hard too, but I don't know if they're this hard.
I bet someone $10 they can't beat this level. If I had enough practice, I'm sure I could beat it some day. That's the saddest thing I ever heard. I'd take that bet. This is not fair. Perhaps we chose especially hard bosses.
But there is a splash woman. Yeah, the only thing that's changed in the past 20 years of Mega Man is women have finally broken through the robot boss glass ceiling. Thank you, Sarah Palin. Yeah, Sarah Palin is a splash woman. She's just opening the door for everyone. Her break through the glass ceiling was devastating to glass men.
Imagine how big it would be if Nintendo did this with Mario and made a new Mario game, even if they didn't make the graphics any better than Mario 3. That'd be pretty big.
There's probably someone who's like real good at Mega Man and like already so beaten all the other so thoroughly. And this is like mana from heaven to him. His name is Dark Days. |
SaturdayNightLive | trick_or_treat_with_fran_drescher_snl | Oh, my goodness. look at this. don't you all look so cute. I think we might have to break out the king-size bars for this bunch.
Kids, wait! you're a bubble mistake! Who are you?
I'm Fran Drescher. sad President. Wow, Fran Drescher, what are you doing here?
I'm here to teach you how to do Halloween during a strike. Oh, that's right. Since the actors are on strike, the Guild asked members not to wear costumes based on movies or Tv characters. exactly. Because then we'd be promoting the companies we're striking against, which makes all of these children a bunch of adorable scabs.
Run home and change kids before it's too late. Thanks, Fran. Wow. now that was a close one. Is it really that big a deal?
Well, you've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that when you're dressed up as Sloth from the Goonies. I'm not dressed as sloth. I'm just holding a baby roof. Are there any costumes that are okay? I'm glad you asked. there are many great characters You can still be for Halloween. for example, Harry Potter as described only in the book. I look just a little bit off, and that's a good thing.
Or how about minor characters from the Bible who have not appeared in any film adaptation? I'm Zohat, son of Ishi who beget Ben Zohat. See, who needs Iron Man when you have Zohat, And Ishi who beget Ben Zohat?
These kids don't look happy. I know. it's scary what the movie studios are doing to our children, isn't it? that's why we've been picketing for a hundred days. that must be exhausting. Hey, did you just call me exhausting? No. well, a lot of people have.
Okay, back to costumes. unfortunately, this year you can't be Yoda, but you can be Hoda. the wig is fake, but the wine is real. wait, why is that one okay? is Ishi on Tv? Well, daytime and reality Tv are okay, which means that you're dressed fine because you're dressed as one of the perverts from To Catch A Predator. this is just my regular outfit. What if people already bought a costume before the strike? Good question. with small adjustments, many costumes can be strike friendly. for example, say you're dressed as wolverine. just drop the claws and voila, now you're any gay guy over 50. you're welcome. or say you're dressed as Mario. all you have to do is put on a chef's hat, and now you're the guy from the pizza box. it's-a Me, the guy from the pizza box.
Miss Drescher, how can I help to understand something so complicated? I'm just a little kid. Well, Hoda, I think I can explain in terms even a drunk child can understand. negotiating with the studios is a lot like trick-or-treating. You know how you go to the biggest house on the block and all the lights are off and they're pretending they're not home? But you can see them through the window, eating kit-kat bars, dozens of kit-kat bars, billions of kit-kat bars, record numbers of kit-kat bars. all us actors are saying is, break me off a piece of that Kit-kat bar. when you put it like that, it makes a lot of sense.
Thank you. Love your costume, by the way.
Kevin Bacon's pedophile character from 2004's The Woodsman. I am not Walter. you know his name?
I have one more costume idea. she's a strong, confident woman who dominated the summer and is an inspiration to girls everywhere. Barbie. nope, the Nanny. Wait, isn't Nanny intellectual property owned by the studios? Oh, I wouldn't call her intellectual.
Mistake! Who are you? I'm Fran Drescher. a sad president. Wow, Fran Drescher, what are you doing here?
I'm here to teach you how to do Halloween during a strike. Oh, that's right. since the actors are on strike, the Guild asked members not to wear costumes based on movies or Tv characters. exactly, because then we'd be promoting the companies we're striking against, which makes all of these children a bunch of adorable scabs. Run home and change, kids, before it's too late.
Thanks, Fran. Wow, now that was a close one. is it really that big a deal?
Well, you got a lot of nerve talking to me like that when you dressed up as Sloth from the Goonies. I'm not dressed as sloth, I'm just holding a baby roof. Are there any costumes that are okay? I'm glad you asked. there are many great characters you can still be for Halloween. for example, Harry Potter as described only in the book. I look just a little bit off, and that's a good thing.
Or how about minor characters from the Bible who have not appeared in any film adaptation?
These kids don't look happy. I know, it's scary what the movie studios are doing to our children, isn't it? that's why we've been picketing for a hundred days. that must be exhausting. Hey, did you just call me exhausting? No. well, a lot of people have.
Okay, back to costumes. unfortunately, this year you can't be Yoda, but you can be Hoda. that is real. Wait, why is that one okay? is Ishi on Tv? Well, daytime and reality Tv are okay, which means that you're dressed fine because you're dressed as one of the perverts from To Catch a Predator. this is just my regular outfit. What if people already bought a costume before the strike? Good question. with small adjustments, many costumes can be strike friendly. for example, say you're dressed as wolverine. just drop the claws and voila! now you're any gay guy over 50.
Thanks, Brandy. you're welcome. Or say you're dressed as Mario. all you have to do is put on a chef's hat. and now you're the guy from the pizza Box. it's me, the guy from the Pizza Box. Miss Dresher, how can I help to understand something so complicated? I'm just a little kid. Well, Hoda, I think I can explain in terms even a drunk child can understand. negotiating with the studios is a lot like trick-or-treating. You know how you go to the biggest house on the block and all the lights are off and they're pretending they're not home? But you can see them through the window eating Kit-kat bars, dozens of Kit-kat bars, billions of Kit-kat bars, record numbers of Kit-kat bars. all us actors are saying is, break me off a piece of that Kit-kat bar. Wow. when you put it like that, it makes a lot of sense. Thank you. Love your costume, by the way.
Kevin Bacon's pedophile character from 2004's The Woodsman. I am not Walter. you know his name?
I have one more costume idea. she's a strong, confident woman who dominated the summer and is an inspiration to girls everywhere. Barbie. nope, the Nanny. Nanny.
Intellectual property owned by the studios? Oh, I wouldn't call her intellectual. |
dropout | axe_combine_episode_1 | Welcome to the 14th annual Axe Con By. Today the competitors will be trying to keep up with Sporty Girl through a series of athletic challenges and sports training. Kate's looking for a guy who won't cry when she tackles them in flag football. Our first competitor is Sean Hart from Strong Island. Sean is a strapping 5'10", 150 pounds and proves that there is indeed crying in baseball.
Standing low jump. To keep Kate happy he'll have to keep up with it. It's not a good jump. No excuses. Sad face right there. Absolutely. A guy like Kate should expect you to match her one for one. Terrible form actually but it gets where it's got to go. That's what I'm looking for in a man.
We were playing against each other in a game of flag football. Would you let me win? I tried my best and you'd try yours. And I would win.
What position do you think is the most important? The center. Yeah, it's the coach. It is the coach. The backbone of the team.
So Kate let's break it down. I mean I wouldn't say he's a first draft pick but he's definitely in the mix then. So overall Sean kept up. Well that's all for today from the Combine. Join us next time. Keep up with your sporty girl with Axe Sport Blast. |
cracked | bill_murray_started_second_city_on_same_day_as_john_candy | Did you know that Bill Murray started Second City on the same day as John Candy? Yep. Bill Murray was on The Tonight Show to promote Ghostbusters Frozen Empire, but that didn't stop Jimmy Fallon from busting out an old black and white photo of Second City Murray, sporting an impressive mustache that lands somewhere between Ron Swanson and Borat. Fallon asked Murray if he knew right away that he was good at improv comedy. As a matter of fact, I was really bad at the beginning. I remember walking out of the very first challenging improv class and walking about 75 blocks in the wrong direction. Hey, at least Misery had company as Murray revealed that he began his Second City adventures on the very same day as the legendary John Candy. The week I started, I started the same day as John Candy and we were both terrible. We were both lousy and no one would work with us. So it was just Candy and I looking at each other like I guess it's us again. But it worked out okay for us eventually. Yeah, they both became comedy legends, so you could say that. |
cracked | celebrating_the_oscar_nominees_i_got_hit_by_a_car_new_guy_weekly | Hi, you two, this is Alex with another I have not been in the office lately I got hit by a car turns out LA is not safe for someone talking into their phone walking backwards on a Residential freeway, but the show must go on so here. I am with my Oscar nomination special featuring my very special co-star It's hot nominees are Birdman and Grand Budapest Hotel nine nominations each those are good movies No need to be snarky about this congrats Nice, nice job. I've got the acting nominees in a photo gallery Here. Oh, okay. I'm gonna turn down the brightness on my screen because wow the top 20 acting performances of the year 2-0 that MLK movie was this year, right this one. I mean, this is an all of Hollywood Award. Why does everyone look like? You know me if nothing else like this complexion is not it takes a lot of lighting If we could size, I don't know if I'm the person to be saying this, but I think we got to face some facts that this Medicine has me Loopy and I take cuz it is making me hallucinate a weird old-timey Hollywood This is why I need a children's dose why I need liquid medication why I need the bubblegum flavor why I need it Oh, hello. Did you know 911 can hang up on you? Okay, we gotta cut this short I am obviously gone on pills. Thanks for watching. I am gonna get some sleep and wake up in the real world So it turns out I was on ibuprofet turns out The other stuff but it does turn out there's one thing we can all be happy about |
dropout | our_best_worst_rejected_song_parodies_all_nighter_2014 | College Humors All Nighter!
I'm sittin' on the Blackwater rain Catch a fire Started from Nevada, now we here Started from Nevada, now we over fuckin' here Started from Nevada, now we here Started from Nevada, now we over fuckin' here I like season one I like season five But I don't like season two of the wild I like season one I like season five But I don't like season two of the wild And I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany's?
She said, do you need the book for the film?
And I said, I meant the song that I'm singing She said, lots of things have that name I like cute dogs and I cannot lie And you other lovers can't deny When a dog walks in with an itty bitty face And a round ball in your face you have fun Gettin' licked by a tongue cause damn that puppy is young He cares about the environment and climate In his retirement and you're gonna see him You're gonna meet him Go I'll keep you my dirty little league man Lookin' for fists while you are standing in the creek bed Tryin' to get your name My dirty little league man Thank you so much for watching The All Niner If you liked that video, click to subscribe You can't bear to miss another Hey, hey, good dance You're not doing anything with a map Good thing this guy's an intern |
CrackerMilk | how_police_are_trained_now | Good morning, recruits. Welcome to your very first day of basic training.
Today, threat assessment. The number one rule, do not stereotype. Now have a look at this picture here and tell me, who do you think the criminals are? Quick question!
It could be any one of them. You see, it could be a doctor. It could be a schoolteacher. It could be a lawyer.
Have a good look at them. Let's take a closer look now at the doctor and see if we can uncover some more.
Take his clothes off. The same goes for traffic violations. You might think it's the young guy in the fast car. But it's more likely to actually be someone like this. Criminals come in all shapes. Old, young, middle.
Now police corruption, of course, is unacceptable if you get caught. What you have to make sure is that your body camera is always off.
You'll find your little button down the left hand side there. Click that and everything will be fine. Alright, before we move on, any questions, recruits? Oh, actually I have a... We've already taken a coffee order. Thanks, Dale. Moving on.
Recruits, if you check under your chairs, you'll find a state issued regulation size bag of meth. That is not for your personal consumption. That is for placing onto suspects or people that we feel are guilty of something. If you want meth for yourself, we'll go to the evidence locker later on and I'll fix you up. In fact, why don't we go have a hit now? We'll take a quick break. Come on, guys. Meth!
Oh, it's podcast day. We've released another podcast that you can go check it out on the Crackamoke podcast channel.
What is on your face? It's Smurfcalm. That's paint, dude. Stop drinking paint.
But anyway, check out this podcast. |
cracked | the_3_hardest_things_to_explain_about_call_of_duty_ghosts | So, what's this one? New Halo?
No, it's Call of Duty, man. Oh, Call of Duty. Actually, I played that one like a long time ago. Which one? Call of Duty. Which Call of Duty? The regular one. Alright, when was it set? World War II. Call of Duty's 1 through 6 and 8 are set in World War II. I don't know, man. It was Call of Duty.
You know, you shoot a bunch of enemy soldiers. That's every Call of Duty. And 80% of video games now. I think you fight in Germany a lot? That's Call of Duty 1 through 3, Big Red I, Finest Hour, Roads to Victory, World at War, Modern Warfare, III, and Black Ops. There's a D-Day invasion mission. That's I, II, Big Red I, and Roads to Victory. Where you storm the beats of Normandy. II and BRO, bro. It's an exact copy of Saving Private Ryan in video game form.
You're gonna have to be more specific. I don't think I can. Which one is this? Ghosts.
You know, I love the historical facts, you know, in quotes. It makes you feel like you're watching a History Channel documentary.
Yeah, it's very realistic. Except if you play zombie mode, of course. Sure, unless whatever the hell that means. It's still pretty realistic, though.
Way more than Halo. Right, so what are you doing right now? I gotta stop the Federation from controlling the space station. Because there's a super weapon on board. You realize that's the exact same plot as Halo. And Star Wars? Hey, man, we have super weapons in real life. Probably. COD is nothing like Halo. This is a war simulator. Are you shooting machine guns in space? Yeah, machine guns. Not some sci-fi bullshit.
Whoa, what just happened? Most of the U.S. just got taken out by the Federation's space rod laser. Oh, so you lost?
No, this is the prologue. Oh, so it's gonna be like a World War III simulator. Not exactly. They did the World War III thing in modern warfare. This terrorist attack sparks a huge global conflict between Russia and the U.S. So like a Cold War thing? Sort of. Black Ops was the Cold War one. But then a terrorist attack sparks a second Cold War between U.S. and China. That one also didn't happen in case you were hazy on it. Well, all the cold duties are about terrorist plots starting global conflict set in the future.
You run out of history, you add zombies and improvise. But then why do you keep buying them if they're all the same now?
This one has a dog in it. Oh, I love it. I knew you'd like it. That's great. Right.
He's been trained to like, they've stripped his soul out. So he's just like a robotic killing machine. He's so realistic and trolling.
Okay, thanks for watching the video. Subscribe and leave thumbs up and all that.
I want to talk about a super serious thing I heard about the other day. Have you heard this Kony fellow from the Africa's? This guy is terrible. And I just I don't even know. I just want you to be aware of him because I feel like that's going to do a lot. So just know there's a guy named Kony and last year 2012 is when he did something bad. I don't super understand it.
But you should look it up. It's very important. Subscribe also because we're here. Thank you. |
dropout | bathroom_etiquette_with_adam_carolla | Hi, I'm actor-comedian Adam Carolla, and now celebrated author of the new book, In 50 Years, We'll All Be Chicks. Today's lesson, Bathroom Etiquette. Did you know that peeing on the toilet seat is essentially the same as peeing on a co-worker's ass?
Come on, man. While 95% of Chad's whiz may have found its mark, I want to know about the other 5%, the collateral whiz. Chad, do you think I like sitting in your whiz? No. Well then why the f**k wouldn't you lift the seat, jackstick?
Well it's five minutes after nine, which means people have been at work for approximately five minutes. And in that short period of time, Mark has managed to s**t up the entire bathroom. What Mark should have done is done his offloading at home, before he came to work.
I'm sorry Adam, I really had to go, man. Mark, you've been employed here for eight years and you can't get your bowels in order? Get the f**k out! But I'm in the middle of- I said get out!
If you've ever been in a public restroom while someone was on a cell phone, you've maybe experienced this awkward one-sided conversation. Hey, how's it going? I'm good. Just shaking the dew off the old lily. Hey, I'm on the phone. Oh, I'm sorry. Can I see that for a moment? Excuse me, my phone's about to break. What? Have you ever seen someone do this?
Sorry, uh, just didn't want to touch anything with my hands. Well that's great for you, Jackie Chan of the can, but now you've managed to get the urine off the floor and onto the handle that I have to touch with my hand. How would you like it if I peed on your hand? Cup your hands. I said cup your hands!
My last tip is for home use. When the bathroom's not being occupied, please don't close the door. It's confusing to the rest of the people at the party. If the doors close, that means it's occupied. If the door's open, go on in. And if it's a jar, that means enter at your own risk. I'm Adam Carolla, and that's bathroom etiquette. Oh Jesus Christ, who's shitting this place up? |
TheOnion | Superstitious_Delta_Airlines_Adds_Busty_Mermaids_To_Plane_Noses | Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plain noses. My friend, you look like you are in need of the world's finest internet news summaries. Please, come in and warm yourself by the fire of knowledge. This is The Onion Week in Review, providing much needed relief to Coloradoans suffering from glaucoma and chronic pain, a new law passed in Colorado this week will allow residents with a doctor's prescription to purchase medicinal fireworks. Saying that those in need of stargazers, firecrackers, and Galleria highlights now need only obtain a doctor's prescription, state officials expressed hope that the law would ease the suffering of those in need of huge, dazzling explosions. Sources within the Walt Disney Company confirmed this week that CEO Bob Iger figures they've built up more than enough goodwill to make their next film a real sexist one, noting the praise the animation studio received for portraying assertive, independent heroines in films such as Frozen and Tangled, Iger speculated that the upcoming movie would return to the company's roots and center on a busty, hysterical maiden whose existence is only validated through marriage to a rich man. Adding that past films had already featured African-American, Asian, and Native American princesses, Iger confirmed that, quote, whatever demeaning portrayal of femininity we dream up next, she'll definitely be white.
In an effort to shed light on a horrifying practice often ignored by the public, activists this week released a video depicting exactly how meat products are actually eaten. Consumers are forced to wait in long lines, often while still fully conscious, before buying their meat and ripping it off the bone with their mouths in plain view of other consumers. This was deemed legal and standard by the food industry.
And in this week's op-ed pages, a man notes that, like it or not, we all die, then get dug up and molested. In other news, Mark Summers realizes the police will immediately look for the body in the giant pile of mashed potatoes, white male privilege is squandered on a job at Best Buy, and a local TCBY has missed the past two logo changes. Well, that's it for now. Goodbyes are bittersweet, my love. So I'll only tell you, for more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
TheOnion | Top_Chef_Contestants_Forced_To_Prepare_Entire_Meal_Out_Of_2013_Toyota_Avalon | Next up, a look at Buzzfeed's gut-wrenching Where Are They Now slideshow of recently kidnapped children. But first, it's time for our reality show recap with entertainment reporter Carly Margolis. Carly? Thanks Nina. Well, things heated up in the kitchen on last night's episode of Top Chef when the contestants faced their toughest quickfire challenge yet, cooking an entire meal using the 2013 Toyota Avalon as the main ingredient. Your challenge is to butcher and prepare a Toyota Avalon to create a meal that tells your story as a chef. The winning dish will showcase a sophisticated flavor profile, the Avalon's 3.5 liter V6 engine, and Toyota's complimentary maintenance plan with roadside assistance. Keep in mind that the Toyota Avalon is a fuel-efficient hybrid vehicle with a bold design that started from raw inspiration. Chef Brooke astounded the judges with a savory dual-zone climate control goat cheese salad, served over a 17-inch silver-painted alloy wheel that Judge Gail Simmons said, quote, Really merry luxury and performance. I could definitely taste the Avalon. Producers are teasing that next week's challenge will combine Boar's Head ham with the Nokia Lumia 920 Microsoft Windows 8 smartphone and will force contestants to name their meal after a character from Snitch, starring Dwayne the Rock Johnson coming to theaters everywhere February 22nd. Those are all great sponsors. |
ClickHole | if_only_all_dads_cared_as_much_about_protecting_their_kids_from_birds_of_prey_as_this_one | The sky is filled with terrible birds of prey. I mean, they're killing machines circling right above our heads constantly, and we never give it a second thought. As a parent, ignoring the dangers that carnivorous birds pose to my children is simply unacceptable. I have to remain diligent. My name is Paul Collins, and I protect my children from birds of prey. Birds attack from above, and so when I'm out walking with my children, my focus is on the sky. I guard my sons with a bird shield I made by attaching an enormous amount of chicken bones to an umbrella. The bones trick the birds into thinking, someone already ate all the meat. I better fly on by.
In nature, many animals protect themselves from predators by flashing large eye spots that frighten away their attacker. I cover my house in enormous eyes so that my children will feel safe. If any sort of hawk or owl or vulture tries to fly into my house and take my kids, these eyes will scare them away.
I don't think enough parents do this. While my kids are sleeping, I'll come into their room and surprise them with simulated bird attacks. This keeps them alert and reminds them that bird attacks can occur anywhere. I'm always reminding my children that birds can be outside or inside. I also attach my children to scarecrows, which will follow them wherever they go and help them scare away any dangerous birds. I do this because I love them. I can only hope that other parents are doing exactly what I'm doing.
Because every parent's worst nightmare is watching a bird grab their son and dragon kicking and screaming into the sky. And all you can do while you watch your son disappear into the clouds is smile and wave goodbye as the bird carries him away. I never want to experience that again. That's why I protect my sons from birds of prey. |
dropout | girls_love_dad_bods_the_music_video | Hey Just the other day I was out with my pals Drinking box wine, just being a douse in the corner of my eye What did I see?
The hottest motherfucking dead body I'm talking about the killer dead body Nothing gets a girl's girl more horny Than a former lax, roach, and ordinary Don't want to tend, just give me that six His stomach's so thick, he can't see his own dick His gut was all wet, it was covered in sweat Not for max or seven, he was just out of breath Hadn't been to the gym in over ten weeks His blobby stomach folds, we're fucking on fleek You got me feeling naughty with your dead body You got what I want, so come and put it on me You got the body of a dad, I think that's rad You eat pizza for love, but the sun's red I'm talking about the killer dead body Nothing gets a girl's girl more horny Than a former lax, roach, and ordinary Don't want to tend, just give me that six His stomach's so thick, he can't see his own dick You used to play sports, but you had to stop You can go for hours long as I'm on top You're redefining beauty, stand there's men And you can't remind me of Seth Rogen So maybe he isn't a Channing or a Ryan I'm Deaf, the hot one, there's no denying I'm tired of thinking I'll never be enough Just give me a man who's already given up Was that you say you're already taken by a Brazilian supermodel?
If I'm not mistaken, you're telling me to get off my ass With a dad brought like that, no thanks, I'll pass |
dropout | the_guy_who_dog_sprays_his_friends | Hey, I want one. Don't forget about me.
That's me being the dog. I'm doing his voice. He is so adorable. He is such a relationship server. He really was.
I mean, you know, Marcy and I were basically done and then she comes back with little Charlie here. And he just snapped us back together.
Oh, no. Bad Charlie. You don't bite like that. Uh-oh. Sorry, guys. Bad.
Yeah, Charlie tried to bite me. Charlie bit my finger.
Do you know the video that I'm referencing? What's that for? Oh, that's how we train him. We just give him a little spritz. Yeah. And the same goes for all of you. Is he angry at Paul?
I don't drink beer. Or wine.
Sorry, brain fart. Bad. I told you I'd get you. He won't do it again.
Nora, I love this top. J. Crew? Actually, it's from a thrift store. Obviously not J. Crew bad.
Come on. Wow, the things raise a lot of water. Oh, he has to get the best of everything.
Actually, the hardware store had a better one, but I did get this. I did not know that.
We couldn't have asked for a better day for it. It's beautiful out here. Hottest day of the summer.
So far. Is it the hug? Is it? Well, I'm going to get the burgers. Let me help you. Oh, clutch.
He spilled it. Okay, all right. That's enough with the spray.
What are you talking about? It was really funny at first, but now it's just, it's gotten kind of mean.
Just a good time. It's a good time. He's having fun. This is a fun barbecue.
Yeah, it's okay. It's just water. I'm sorry.
Here, let me help you with the hot dogs. I mean hamburgers. The hamburgers.
Okay, that's enough. You know what? I'm just going to say this.
You are guests in our home. It's 85 degrees today. It's hot. This just a little water.
Okay. I think we're mature enough to have a little fun with it. You're right. I'm, I'm the one being silly. Sorry. Yeah. Give us a spray. Okay, bad. Nothing wrong with that. What the hell are you doing, Marcy? Strong.
I'm just, just diluting it a little. Just diluting it a little.
What are you talking about? It's strong. I made it kind of. No, I understand why you would do it. I just don't understand how you could do it. No. Do you understand, do you understand that right now we are in the throes of a serious drought? I know. Yeah.
And you're just pouring water everywhere. Let me paint a little picture for you here, Marcy. A world without water. You go to the grocery store because you need water. Well, guess what? There's nothing. You just got to drink soda. Okay. You want to wash your car. Oh, there's no water.
What are you going to do? I get it. You're going to use dirt or everyone's going to have to have brown cars. I'm not sure how it'll work out, but it's not good. I'm done. You're too selfish.
I've been thinking about other women anyway. I'll be honest. It was great to see you guys again. I already been talking to other girls. I've already been talking to other girls and this is the straw that brows the camel's back.
What about Charlie? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_28_08_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bulletin, recording live here from Budgie Smuggler Studios in downtown Batutah as always. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, and this week, no Wendell Hussey.
I don't know what he's doing, he's piss farting around. He's got a big weekend, I think he's got a box on, doesn't he? Errol, Errol how are you, Errol? Yeah I'm good mate, feeling a bit rough, rough as a cat's tongue as they say, but I'm looking forward to getting spear tackled into the cricket pitch tomorrow, running out there for the Muttaburrasauruses. Oh yeah, up the mighty mutts, I'll be at the Wall of Knowledge, in the front bar of the Muttaburrasauruses footy club, it should be a good time anyway.
Up first in the news this week, borders shouldn't be a political tool, says bloke who locks up toddlers to impress people, yes talking about the Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton here, who's made a real point this week of claiming that the borders shouldn't be politicised, state borders to be specific, in his attack of Anastasia Palaszczuk and her strict COVID-19 directions, despite the fact that he's the man in charge of immigration and home affairs, his entire political career has been based off doing just that. We're of course talking about, you know, Peter Dutton, because he is responsible ultimately for the billow where the toddler's being locked up on Christmas Island, but he is blowing up deluxe about Anastasia Palaszczuk playing hardball on our borders up here, to try and keep that Melbourne virus out of our great state Clancy. Yes, a comment on that one, Brendan Parsons said, funny how people will quote the UN Charter of Human Rights when they don't want to wear a mask, but when it comes to legal obligations to accept refugees, dot dot dot, fair point there Brendan Parsons. Yes, might be time to take Parliament House back by force Clancy, what's next?
Report, nine in ten encounters with Tasmanian tigers are filmed on a Nokia 3200. Yes, the greatest Nokia of all time in my opinion. I've still got a burner one actually, but this report did find that for some reason, all footage captured of these rare creatures is more often than not filmed on cameras such as the one found on the Nokia 3210. Yes, very grainy, very low quality, could maybe be to do with the quality of tech available down in the Apple Isle, but it also seems to be the case with all sightings of the various Black Panthers around Australia too, every boring town seems to have a panther living around it. Yes, there's one in every town Clancy, one in every town, of course we had the Batutah panther here for many years until your brother Clive, he shot it through the head with a 22 Hornet I believe, and now the, it's down at the Royal Batutah Society for the occult isn't it, down there on Harp Australia. Yeah, makes for a great rug that one. Yeah, righto. Anyway, comment on that one, Neville Briggs is a fan of the Nokia 3200, he says, I used to have one, and one day a large brown snake made me jump when I was getting some firewood out the back, my much loved Nokia fell out of my shirt pocket and the snake snapped it up and disappeared back in the wood pile, many days later when all my wood was used up and there was my trusty phone, it had passed through the snake snapping photos as it went and it still had two bars left on it, I'd include the photos for absolute confirmation however this forum doesn't allow me to, so you'll just have to take my word for it, thank you. Yes, I do see that storytelling does run in the Briggs family, I see. Yes, yes, what a yarn that one was, that's quite a large comment for Facebook.
And coming up next, we had a article with the headline, alleged panic buyer, just a local dad doing a shopping for the first time in 30 years. Quite a scene this one was, our reporter was down there hoping to shame who our newspaper thought was a panic buyer, current affair style, we're hoping to doorstop him, but it turned out it was just some lost old boy with a heap of chips and toilet paper in his trolley. Yeah, to be honest mate, when I read this article I thought it was about you, but apparently everyone down there was giving him a lot of space, they were pretty concerned that he was going to lash out like a concerned animal, but you know, the staff ended up helping him out of the store without too much hassle, so I guess that's good.
All's well in Endswell. And up north, that's where you were this week, Errol, the Jeff Horn versus Tim Zu fight marks Townsville's first tattoo-free punch-on since 1943. Yeah, the villa was absolutely buzzing on Wednesday night, Clancy, but you know, poor old Jeff got dealt with and I had to deal with one lippy young fella afterwards on the Strand, but we won't get too much into that, but you know, it was quite the occasion up here in the deep north. That national service all that time ago serves you well, doesn't it, Errol? But back to the main event, it was the first time two blokes without any tattoos fought in Townsville since 1943, when several American soldiers made the fatal error of flirting with some local nurses on the Strand, sparking extreme jealousy amongst the nearby unmarried Australian troops. And since that day, almost every fight to take place in the pubs or streets of Townsville have featured at least one koi fish sleeve or southern cross chest tat, so it was truly a momentous occasion. It is rare to see two clean skins going the knuckle in the deep north nowadays, it certainly is.
I think the last one before that was Robbie Catter and former Treasurer Alexander Downer. Yep, that was in Cairns. Former Foreign Minister, I should say. That was in Cairns during Robbie's cowboy days. That was too.
Finishing with some sports news, an Australian basketball courts were swamped after Luka Doncic inspires the nation's bitch-ass white boys with his three-pointer on the buzzer last week. Yep, well I was one of those bitch-ass white boys down there on the courts after that. Clancy and Light, the cricket nets after the first day of summer. Suburban courts were flooded earlier this week after the Dallas Mavericks star drained the three to win the game against the Los Angeles Clippers. And from Lane Cove to St Lucia, the white boys were out in force. Yes, and Luka did that one after one of the Clippers players called him a bitch-ass white boy. So the game-winning shot had the middle class of suburban Australian basketball fans up and about the next Dirk Nowitzki, they're saying. Geez, that's a bit rude on Shane Heale, arguably the greatest white man to ever play the sport of basketball.
Love to power lay-up old Hammer Heale, that's for sure. Anyway, that's all from us this week. Thank you for listening to the Batutah Advocate. Weekly bulletin, you look after yourselves, enjoy your weekend and stay out of the pokies. Have a good one everyone. |
TheOnion | Obama_s_Home_Teleprompter_Malfunctions_During_Family_Dinner | There was a little hiccup yesterday at the White House after President Obama's home teleprompter reportedly malfunctioned during a family dinner. Onion News Network Washington correspondent Jane Carmichael joins us now with more. Jane, tell us what exactly happened over there. Well, on a last night in the middle of a conversation with Malia about raising her allowance, President Obama's home teleprompter suddenly went blank. He sort of froze mid-sentence, but after a few seconds of silence, Obama was able to call up his prepared remarks from memory. So it didn't differ at all, basically, from the copy of the dinner conversation that had been sent over to reporters beforehand?
Right, that's right. It was almost verbatim. Wow. He hit all the points about Malia needing to get at least a B in math and trying to get onto the soccer team just in a different order than they were written. Well, White House Deputy Press Secretary Brenda England briefly addressed this error today. Let's take a look.
Look, the President has hundreds of conversations every day and it simply isn't feasible for him to memorize the text for every single one. The prompter is really just a tool to help the President remember to speak, blink and breathe. And look, Obama is always open about the fact that he works with a team of talented writers on every remark he makes. Yeah, absolutely. The prompter just helps make sure he doesn't say the wrong thing at any point ever. Exactly. He would write his conversations himself, but he's just too busy. He's the President. He does make sure, though, to look over and edit any asides or offhand remarks he didn't personally script, though. Of course. You know, Jane, it seems like the President has gotten better at using the teleprompter since the campaign. Yes, he sure has.
Well, remember that horrible pumpkin patch incident before the election when the wind blew the teleprompter over in the middle of picking pumpkins with the girls. That's right, causing Obama to fumble around awkwardly, drop the pumpkin he was holding and refer to Sasha as Jennifer. And there was the caps lock incident. Oh, yes. Obama nearly shouted himself, horse, over the course of that speech. And there were various mix-ups where teleprompter operators displayed the wrong lines. Once it caused him to say, I played a little basketball myself in high school after sampling a piece of Cape Cod saltwater taffy. Boy, the GOP had a field day with that one. Obama was furious about it. He had his staff put a long, angry rant into the teleprompter for him to scream at them.
I remember that. But, you know, also, Jane, we should point out that Obama's not the first President to use scripted interactions. No. Ronald Reagan was known for using cue cards, for instance.
Yes, exactly right. And, of course, Joe Biden is known for reading his remarks off his arm where he's written them in magic marker. Exactly right.
Well, Jane, thank you so much for that report. We appreciate it as always. Thank you, Autumn.
Far from caving to criticism, the President has increased his reliance on the teleprompter, ending it alone on low priority diplomatic meetings and photo ops. Well, right after the break, we'll talk to a Philadelphian who knows all the best places to get murdered. |
TheOnion | Scientists_Continue_Developing_Alternative_Energy_Sources_For_Americans_To_Waste | TechTrends, brought to you by Starbucks DoubleShot. From wind to solar to battery powered cars, the scientific community is constantly developing alternative energy sources for Americans to blindly waste. Here at Green Ford in San Francisco, engineers are hard at work discovering greener ways to power our lives using hydrogen cells, which they say will allow us to thoughtlessly squander our planet's resources for years to come. You see hydrogen energy is clean enough to neutralize your decision to keep your charged iPad plugged in overnight or your hockey table running in your basement every day of the week. So if my home were to run on hydrogen technology, I would need to think twice about leaving my hot tub on 24-7. We're talking four deep freezers in your home with six packets of flavor ice between them. No problem. The way hydrogen cells let us waste their energy saving powers is simple. Since combining hydrogen and oxygen for energy emits toxin free water, the number of thermal units in the atmosphere decreases and that decrease is then offset when someone sits in 45 minutes of traffic with their AC on full blast or lets the shower run for 10 minutes before getting in. Green Ford's goal? To one day have every home and car in America run on mindlessly discarded hydrogen energy.
So this is all really exciting, but what about the cost? Well, anytime you transition to a new energy system, you face an initial investment. But you can't put a price tag on being able to keep a second full size refrigerator in your garage for the two times a year you throw a party. After seeing the Green Ford Labs in progress, it gives me real hope that there will be a day where I don't have to think twice about leaving two TVs on at the same time to make it sound like there are people around. For TechTrends, I'm Aaron Vaughn. |
TheOnion | NCAA_Expands_March_Madness_To_Include_4_096_Teams | Get ready for more madness. The NCAA has announced it's expanding the men's college basketball tournament to include 4,096 teams.
We'll separate the contenders from the pretenders in this hot and sweaty edition of the Steam Room. This is the Steam Room, where only the strongest opinions can stand up to the heat. Alongside OSN basketball analyst Joe Monticello, I'm Tim Devan and Joe, welcome to the Steam Room. You ready to sweat out some answers? I'm ready, Tim. Then close the door before the steam gets out. Steam Room begins now.
Joe, is this a good move for the NCAA? Great move, Tim. I love this idea. There are just so many quality teams out there that lost a tough game, couldn't get over that five win hump, or haven't even played a game yet this season. And it's great that the league finally let them all in. Now Division 2 and 3 schools will be let in for the first time ever. Is this going to bring down the level of play?
Absolutely not. Arkansas Tech had a great year. So did Flagler. So did Emporia State.
Let's turn up the heat and talk about Eckerd. Look out for Eckerd. They've got a full roster and they're having practices. So the league then will get to air next for a couple thousand games and we're going to get college hoops all the way through June. June madness.
I like it. Are you kidding me? It's great. I mean, but this is really for the fans.
They get to watch up to 500 games a day on OSN2 and OSNU. Time for some predictions. The central Kansas region's got 300 technical and vocational colleges. Who's your pick for the 637-678 matchup? Well, I have to tell you, I really like the online University of Liverpool. Do you think they can take the region?
No, no, no. I think that's going to go to the Xenon International School of Hair Design. Oh, the whole town at the peak. It was crazy for Xenon International. Unfortunately, they lost their star player, Cody Beek, last year. He graduated and became a barber, but they still have a very talented core, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised to see them show up in the fantastic 512 or maybe even the tremendous 256.
Despite the NCAA's best efforts to include everyone, there are still some teams that got left out. Right. Who's going to be missed the most? Well, I would have loved to see Oxnard, California's advanced truck driver school compete, but unfortunately, they didn't get their registration in for the tournament in time. Your coach misplaced the application. Terrible. So 4,097 slots next year.
Why stop there, right? Damn it, I love college basketball. We know you do, Joe Monticello, and you have survived the steam room. Open up the door and get yourself some air. Thanks guys for cutting through the steam. Up next, an NCAA women's basketball star tests positive for baby. |
dropout | why_sex_is_magic | You guys want to know a secret? Magic is real! You know how I know? It's because- Because magic can be found in the stone, the berry bush, or waterfalls, or anything- No, no, it's because I've had sex, and sex is magic.
Oh. Yeah.
And I'm not talking about some silly metaphorical kind of magic either. We're gonna do it, and it's gonna be magical, and we're gonna fall in love and get mad- Oh, that's not true! No, I'm talking about actual real magic, alchemy, in fact.
What the fuck? Because what sex does is it takes these things that are so horrible, and awful, and disgusting in our everyday lives, and magically turns them into wonderful turnouts. Now watch closely. I wanna fuck you to death. Uh-oh! That was creepy, and probably illegal. However, with a swipe of the magic wand- Ugh, I wanna fuck you to death. Yeah, coming with that knife dick. Ha! Knife dick! What does that even mean?
Anything that magically becomes okay during sex? Spanking! For instance, totally fine here. However, once you're out of the confines of the magic bedroom- It isn't the fifties, asshole. Not as fine there. Let me give you another example. Hair pulling. We kind of like it in bed, right? That's totally fine. It's kinky. It's playful. A little pain with our pleasure. But once you're out of le boudoir, it's just pain. One more example. Spitting in somebody's face. Definitely not okay there, but when you're behind closed doors and it's just the two of you, it's still probably not okay, unless that's her thing.
It's not my thing. I'm in defeat.
See? Magic! Make some room for a size 12, alright?
Sex should be gross. I mean, you sweat and wheeze like a marathon runner on mile 17, and yet this other person lets you just lay on top of them. Can you imagine getting a wet, sweaty hug from someone when you're not ha- Is that a magic, dude? Even the anus, the single grossest part of your body magically becomes attractive when you're having sex. I mean, it's really the only time in your life when you're going to be totally okay with someone putting a finger- Ow!
Who are you? Who is he?
But like all magic, even sexual magic has a catch. That is the second that sex is over. All of those things which were so wonderful mere moments ago immediately go back to being gross. Yes, the clock has struck midnight, your carriage has turned back into a pumpkin, and now you must face the consequences.
Did you just say knife dick? I think I tore out a clump of your hair. Sorry about the spitting.
Ew, sweaty body print. I am so not sleeping here tonight. I'm gonna go wash my hand.
Great idea, man! So if anyone ever says to you guys that sex is not magic, here's what I want you to do. Sneak up on them real quietly. Take your finger. Bend em o- No! No! Come on, just try it! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Jimmy_Barnes_The_Betoota_Advocate_Podcast_Ep_132 | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooda Advocate radio show recording down in downtown Batooda here at the Old City District, Budgie Smuggler Studios. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, editor of The Batooda Advocate and of course Errol Parker, editor at large.
How are you Errol? Good mate.
Beautiful day up here in the Channel Country. Just had a drop of rain, wildflowers will be on route. Yeah it's a good time of the year, it's about to get very hot so take it in, take it in while you can. And today's guest is beaming live straight out of the Wollongong hinterland I guess you could call it down there in the southern highlands of Sydney, southern highlands of New South Wales.
Jimmy Barnes thank you for joining us. How are you gentlemen? Very good as always. Nice to see you, nice to see you got the internet out there. Yeah yeah, satellite, Skymaster satellite. The interweb. We've been trying to get uh, Barnsey on for a while on the Batooda Advocate radio show and like a lot of the big guests we've been getting lately, Covid's been great for that because as we see, Barnsey knows how to use a zoom, he can do it from his living room.
No well actually to tell you the truth one of the kids had to come and set that up. I've got to own up to it straight away you know.
You've been doing a fair bit of music at home, we've seen. Yeah yeah, me and the missus, Jane decided seven months ago when the whole place closed down that she was going to learn guitar and she's been sitting in there, you know practicing for hours every day and just churning that song so it's great. Every night we get out you know, we're just doing it very very amateur hour just with an iPhone, that's surprising how good it sounds. Yeah yeah, deep in the lockdown as well that started too so I mean when everyone was trying to find ways to kill time that we were getting videos coming out of the Barnes household where the whole family was singing, you had the... Yeah but there's no shortage of bloody entertainers and you know all the kids all sing, the grandkids sing, it's good, they all play something so it's good. Now tell us you've just released a book, I mean this is a quick turnaround, you've been busy in Covid and you've also played a few gigs. Yeah I've done a couple of gigs but you know listen, I've been sort of writing the last four years, I wrote the first couple of books and that just didn't stop, I just sort of kept writing little bits and pieces and I decided late last year that I was going to you know write some short stories and I had a couple ideas already down and my plan was I was going to go and take a bloody holiday because I've just worked through it for about four years and write a book while we travel but of course we left here, got to Thailand where my wife's from and the whole world sort of shut down around us and we had to turn around and come back which was great because you know I've got to tell you the hinterland of Wollongong is looking pretty bloody good at the moment. Yeah yeah yeah, bit of rain.
So what made you get into writing so prolifically like obviously you've written a lot of good songs, a lot of songs, it's one thing to write an album, it's another thing to write thousands of pages of your own story. It's one of those things where the first couple of books really it was like you know it was like therapy for me, it was a whole pile of stuff that I had to get out and whether I just wrote it down and then burnt it you know it was just to get it out for myself and after I wrote it out I started writing and I realized that people some people were actually getting something from it and people liked it and I just enjoyed the process and I bloody you know I like telling a story, I like telling you know yarn anyway so you know just sitting at the computer and you know I remember nearly everything it's surprising when you think about what I've done it myself but I remember most things and to sit there and try and focus on it and then fill in the gaps is a lot of fun anyway you know just you know sitting there trying to write you know write like Don Walker if I'm doing a conversation with Don Walker of course I don't remember what he said word for word but I know exactly how he speaks for that sort of North Queensland drawl and we know I can fill in the gaps and make it and make it fun so it's sort of it's entertaining for me and it's just you know it's just sort of something I'm really great at and I'm just going to keep doing it and I really enjoy it. It is interesting to be able to view it that way where it's your memoirs or it's your stories and you this is how I think it went down it's great to be able to share that story. Yeah well that's what a memoir is you know it's your story from your perspective and what you remember it's not anybody else's one of the things I noticed when I when I wrote the first the first working class boy yeah I had to really lay it out clear I had to make sure I didn't tell anybody else's story I've got five siblings and I didn't want to tell their story I can only tell it from what I seen and that's the important thing when you're doing this and so I just write it from my perspective and if people don't like it they get their own fucking book.
Are you allowed to say that? Absolutely so whatever you want. I trust you haven't got any bosses here yeah you've read you might have read a few of our articles actually we um I have I have it was during the uh the plebiscite when Tony Abbott came out and said that we shouldn't be playing political music at the NRL Grand Final with Macklemore and just the year before you the year before you'd sunk a song. Tony's the last person to get anything you know yeah but really I'm not sure of anything actually.
Who are some of the authors that really inspired you to get into writing you know your own fiction? I haven't I've only just started writing fiction you know I like all sorts of you know you know you've got like Stephen King and stuff like that but I've been reading like Truman Capote and Joan Diddy and people like that and I like I like that sort of you know I like fiction based on you know based on facts so you know I think a lot of the stuff I'm going to write is going to be sort of you know they all say you've got to write what you what you know so I'm going to try you know I'll probably write some horror stories based on my own life you know because I've lived a few I've met a few companies you mentioned before it was Working Class Boy was one book you released and then followed up by Working Class Man yeah yeah and that kind of Working Class Boy kind of tells the story of passage to Australia for your family yeah and you were a youngster in Scotland yeah I left Scotland when I was five. You have memories of the life and times? Really it's a ridiculous really vivid I actually um long before I started writing the book I remember I said to my mum I keep remembering this house and I drew pictures of this of this room and I said where is this where do you think there's this sort of layout what sort of house was this where were we and she said you couldn't possibly remember it you know you're left there when you were 10 months old or something like that so I remember I remember real vividly you know lots of things I can I remember this room with a combustion stove and the and the bed sunk it at the back and she said it was a kitchen that we lived in in 1956 so um so that's right which is pretty you know considering I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday it's pretty cool but I remember a lot in Scotland there's a lot of you know real vivid memories and a lot of it was pretty dark you know because there was a you know Glasgow is a tough place and within my family there was a lot of violence and a lot you know like my dad was a I was a boxer and his dad was a fighter and they were both like bouncers and stand over men and all this sort of stuff and so there was a lot of violence around where we came from and and so I've got very dark you know real you know I could taste the place just it's really really you know right on the right in front of me and every time I went back to Scotland I get the same feeling I get this feeling of doom and gloom and it wasn't until I wrote those books and I sort of let go a lot of that shit that I go back to Glasgow and it's still just as dark still just as dangerous but uh but I could I could actually sort of sit with the place now I quite I love it yeah yeah we interviewed uh on the Batutah Advocate radio show about a year or so ago James Raine and he was telling us about you know the surf rock to the pub rock scene and and you know just just the things that were going on around him while he was um coming up as a musician and he referred to Adelaide and South Australia the music coming out of there he I mean I don't think this is a you know commonplace terminology but he said oh you know and he had all the 10 pound poms coming out of Adelaide was it like that I mean and it's not just oh absolutely absolutely because I yeah Adelaide particularly Elizabeth where I grew up there was all the immigrants were stuck there and there was a lot of a lot of the bands you see that the reason there was a lot of Adelaide bands whether it's the Twilights in the early days the Masters of Friendses, the Angels, Cold Chisel a lot of the bands that came out of that stemmed from immigrants you know Steve and I and Chisel were both you know we're both you know Brits we'd hear in particularly in the 60s I think bands used to hear music the 10 pound tourists would come over they'd all go to Elizabeth and they'd have the newest records in it and it would take six months to get records to come to Australia in those days so bands like it in in in Adelaide were playing and playing these songs live and they were like way ahead of their time so a lot of the bands had that really early British rock influence and it sort of and it permeated the whole thing and so the whole Adelaide rock scene was really it was really quite a you know prolific sort of scene and people really you know there was a lot of great bands came out there a lot of great musicians so and that and the great the great thing about Adelaide too is the bands could play there and because it was so far away from anywhere really you know the eastern states where the music scene sort of was happening people people wouldn't know about you so you could go there you could fuck up you get yourself together get the band so it was cooking and then move to the eastern states and you know you'd go there and they go here's a new band and you'd be playing for five years yeah you're ready made ready made yeah it's good just the oven Adelaide's the oven exactly yeah and it was they were a tough audience too and and you know we played a couple of pubs in Adelaide like a place called The Largs Pier which I've spoken about a lot which was as rough as guts but a great rock and roll audience if they if they liked you they were going to you know they'll go through hell and high water for you but if they if they didn't they'd kill you so you know you have to play good yeah do you think um any sort of young bands could have that same experience now or is or you know it's a different experience now you know there's a lot of stuff that young bands have got going for them as far as you know being able to promote themselves online get music anywhere in the world instantaneously you know like you can drop it and if you can get through the right people whereas we didn't have that and we just had to play night after night in pubs and clubs you know like I think it's a tough thing for young bands to become great live bands because you know you hear about bands like DMAs we're talking about them before you know they're really good because they play a lot of live gigs you know you've got to play live to get to cut your teeth doing that and that's what sort of that was what the backbone of this whole australian they called it the pub rock scene you know whether it was the oils angels you know rose tattoo acdc we all cut our teeth playing to hostile audiences in in pubs with drunken drunken crowds and you have to be you have to really get your shit together otherwise they'd kill you so and it really made your bands really tight there's definitely a flavor that australian bands from the 60s 70s and 80s sort of had which sort of started to change when all the clubs shut down you know we used to play clubs that were the clubs that were you know licensed for 300 people and they'd have 2000 people in there you know it was a death trap you know so i wouldn't advise it but it would work for the bands it's interesting that you say that the crowds used to be hostile i mean like now when you go and see a rock and roll show you know you've obviously paid some good money for it and you you want to go there and have a good time why do you think the crowds were so hostile back in the day you know especially in public there was a bit of a thing going where you know there was you know i know early in our careers people sort of thought that anything that came from overseas was better than what we had here yeah it was a bit of a everybody had a bit of a chip on their shoulders and uh and we'd go out of our ways to make sure that you know that they didn't leave with the same impression i mean and there's also you have to you'd have to play and part of the licensing laws and in the 70s where they used to have to serve a meal you know yeah that's how they let people stay late so they'd serve a meal while you're playing and i'd be fucked if i was going to let anybody eat while we're singing you know so i so you know it was hostile because i was hostile to them yeah but they were they were just tough crowds i mean they yeah they knew what good music was and there was an abundance of good rock and roll bands in this country that were playing every night and if they didn't like you they'd walk out the door and go to another pub and see and see rose tattoo the pubs were full either way everywhere yeah everywhere the pubs were packed yeah and the bands and bands were getting you know you get out and you can play we used to play eight gigs a week you know that's outrageous we used to hear that about you know well before um certain laws might have been invented uh in the way of uh driving around town but yeah you'd hear those stories whether that be in st kilda or bondi beach with five six gigs a night just loading up yeah yeah absolutely we used to do a gig in melbourne for instance we'd do melbourne was there's a lot of pubs to play we'd play a pub at lunchtime you know and on saturday we'd play a pub at lunchtime we'd do an early spot at 7 30 in a club supporting one of the big melbourne bands you know daddy cool or something and then we'd play at three o'clock in the morning in a place called bananas in st kilda and literally you know i'd be really good in the first gig uh at lunchtime by the second one i was getting a bit bleary high and i'd be out there and by the third one they'd carry me in you know never mind when we left the place so it was pretty wild scene it was good you know i mean you learn how to think and on your feet you know and get by you know you could there was a lot of smoke and mirrors we could if you couldn't sing anymore you'd just trash the place and make you know put on a show well um earlier this year jimmy i was in belfast and we managed to um to catch a show by an american rapper called the game i'm not sure if you've heard of him but um during the course of his performance he consumed an entire bottle of vodka in one sitting um he didn't come up he didn't come up for red would you have any advice to him about you you know like what he should be doing moving forward i mean i i don't know how how hard it would be to perform a live show after you've just done that yourself um but i used to do it every night yeah how how i don't know you know and i used to because i think the adrenaline kept you going yeah i've you know probably you know assisted by some other chemicals and stuff like that but you know you just i wouldn't advise it put it down but i did it for years i mean i used to i used to drink a bottle of scotch and a bottle of brandy on stage uh you know just during an hour and a quarter show and i'd mix i'd mix you know you know bloody you know what they call drinks in my in my mouth it was just gone but but you can do it you know i just i've seen shows where people are just so wasted that that's sort of part of the entertainment i remember i mean i went and seen icky pop in london we played cold chisel played at this club uh this this little theater thing in london the guys who were the stage hands said come tomorrow night icky pops playing i said oh yeah i'd love to come they said he's doing two shows he's doing one at eight o'clock and one at midnight come to the midnight one okay and i walked in and nook and icky was so wasted he was just trashed and i got there he just walked on stage and i'm looking at him you know he's not usual he's ripped and he's you know he's got the shirt off and he but he's cut from head to foot you know and i said what happened to him and apparently he was so out of it he was pacing around the dressing room and this bloke kept staring at him so he dived at him and it was a mirror it was it was awesome he was he was just monumental one of the best shows i've ever seen but he was but at the same he was wasted but he was just intense and and on the money it was part of the performance yeah somehow somehow people managed to do it i mean i you know i really i wouldn't recommend it but you know you can do it what do you i don't know how big hip-hop is in belfast and in dublin either so well that was uh there was a lot of metal detectors at the door put it that way it was a very intimate gig it was ulster hall ulster hall with metal detectors i've played ulster hall i played there many times yeah yeah can you tell us a little bit about the the whole um touring aspect of it i mean you're still doing it to this day i mean uh covered pending we've done a couple live shows and you kind of do a bit more moving around as you'd know with book when you released a book or something like that we did a stage show a year or so ago and we didn't do too many we did what six shows in in the space of a month that's eight yeah eight shows in the space of a month some back-to-back in different cities and even we felt you know the airport food and the booze was enough to slow us down it's like where's it where's your dad but i know you would have done way more than that and i'm thinking you know how do you how will you as a young man in your mid to late 20s what would you do how would you end something like that because i can imagine you were absolutely fucked after 20 shows in different countries with a rider at the back every stage like there's one thing to be fucked on stage but to be rooted at the end of a tour what would you do we didn't even think about it you know because to tell you the truth we would we would sort of finish a tour here then go to new zealand and do a tour go to europe and do a tour go to america doing tour and you finish in america and they say oh we booked you a new tour in australia so you come back and it was sort of you know just what you did but there must have been here must have been 20 odd years where we just went back to back to back you know it's just non-stop and you sort of you get match fit yeah you know that's the thing after it takes about it takes about eight shows but you do get match fit and that's that's being able to pick yourself up you know and you know a lot of this like i said is adrenaline and a lot of it's got to do with just you know you you get out in front of a crowd and you've got to put it on yeah you can't get out there and not deliver you know that's otherwise you don't you don't have a job you know so you get up there and the audience you know the energy of the crowd sort of drives you and once you get match fit you get up there and it's just switch it on and bang hit them hard you know hit them hard hit them low and to get up hit them again yeah with your books you've kind of went from working class boy that kind of followed you through you know early days in glasgow then adelaide and then uh you know into music and then working class man tells a story of you know the man and of course you know the songs that came including working class man how do you deal with this thing that very few australians would have where such a large part of the population australia would feel like you wrote that song about them uh or i know i know you know working class man for instance yeah i was doing i was doing an interview earlier on the radio big big radio session and they said to me you know you've written such iconic iconic songs as when you when you wrote that line well she loves you know a little woman you know and i guess i didn't like that song jonathan cain wrote that song you know but it's a weird thing you know just be like being in cultures or for instance you know have you know being such a part of people's lives that's really weird people don't come up to me like you know gushing and screaming like i'm not justin viva you know yeah but they come up and they they feel like they know me because i've grown up in front of them yeah i've spent 40 years you know playing at their bloody weddings at their you know they play their records at their kids funerals at their bloody parties at the 21st yeah and so people come up to you and just you know they come up and say good day and just you know it's a weird feeling but if people feel like they know you and in a way they sort of do because what you do you know you lay out there every night and and sometimes you know it gets sometimes it gets annoying because you really you know they might know you too well or they or they um get too familiar or you just you know you can know you go out for dinner with you i go to dinner with my wife and you know you sit having a romantic dinner and somebody comes up and say oh can i take a photo with you to the table i'm not really happy you just say maybe i know you hate this but i'm gonna do it anyway and by the way can you sign can you sign my wife's ass you know really it's not good it's not romantic yeah but do you think it'll ever get old do you think you'll ever get tired of being you know everyone's kind of go-to uh you know i get tired of it all the time but it just you know i enjoy singing and when you know all the old i i try my best not to be a celebrity you know like there's a milk people who always want to be celeb come on here and be on this show and do it i'm a rock and roll singer that's what i do yeah um when people come up and act stupid then i just say you know back off you know like i'm not bloody like i said it's not just a beaver i'm not a celebrity i'm just a singer what do you want if you want me saying something i'll do it and get out of my face you know you're also not a role model no no that's right exactly right but people sort of know that and they can tell you know once they go up close they'll leave you alone and i just enjoy singing yeah the point is every night i get up on stage uh you know i don't regret you know being a singer ever you know i get up there and it just it brings me joy it makes you know you know i get to you know exercise demons every night i get it's like it's like primal therapy every night of the week you know i get to get get in touch with feelings that most people don't get a chance to just buy your access and when you're singing so i i see it as a gift and i don't think it's ever really gonna you know get get tired for me do you ever sit there i mean this is an interesting question but you know you would know the places you could go where you would be probably most loved do you ever feel like do you ever get up you know maybe the missus is out of town you think i'm gonna go be jimmy barnes tonight and walk in the front bar of the you know bundanoon hotel no no i've sort of avoided that i've avoided that for a long time you know like it's sort of but there is there's times when you go when you know your mates have come up and said oh let's go for a beer and you walk into the fucking fondai hotel oh why did i do this but you know you get you get sort of you get sort of smart enough not to do that i mean i'm sure it'd be cool it'd be cool in patoota i could walk in anytime but uh the other thing that's really annoying this is one of the annoying things about being a celebrity when people walk up to you and go you're jimmy barnes aren't you i go yeah yeah and they go nah you're not nah you're not no i'm not i'm not yeah you are only he would say he is leave me alone yeah what do you want me to do um did you and the band foresee this working class icon status i mean as you said you're rock and roll stars you're not you're not painters and dockers nah but no i think i think what it was i think what it was was from the early days coaches or once we put records out you know there was a lot of people that were making a lot of money out of off of all bands and and off of punters and when cold chisel started we were there was a booking agency called dirty pool our management started along with the management of the angels and the management of ice house and they formed this this management team who started doing door deals right and stuff like that so what we could do was instead of paying you know 100 grand to the agent you could you could and making five grand for the band or something you could make 20 grand and you could drop the ticket price the punters were looked after so we just always had this thing about you know looking after after punters so people ask people used to ask us why we did it and it was one it was self-preservation we knew that if we looked after people who were coming to see us they they keep coming back but the other thing was i'd been a punter i'd been a young punk in adelaide just wanting to go to gigs and couldn't afford to get in and you know i'd have to kick doors in and shit like that so we just we kept it so we kept our coaches will always kept the price of our merch down we made you know when i went solo i made you know working class man album just because i wanted to give something back you know people you know people support you and and give you this lifestyle and if you go out there and just and just milk it for all you can you know people don't like it so and they've asked me why i did that and i said well i i was born you know in a working class family that doesn't come out of you just because you've made a bit of money i you know this is burnt into my fucking veins i remember every minute when we struggled and you just try and keep that in mind and keep yourself grounded and remember you're only a singer you know that's all you do and it's better if the punters are down there behind the uh the soundies rather than down here up in the pub yeah exactly i like it then when they're down there i can see what they're up to yeah now tell us uh what are you thinking musically i mean you've obviously spent a lot of time writing how do you keep creative you're looking fit by the way i'll just yeah i'm pretty fit at the moment i'm good so does that all play into itself uh well you know i think the healthier yeah you know especially i'm i'm 64 you know you know so for me to be out you know i still want to go out there i you know i i think that the best music i'm going to make is still to come i think that my i've still got a lot to do and to do that i've got to be fit i've got to be you know i want to go up on stage and not go up there and and collapse and i hate you know i want to be i want to be better than i've ever been every time i get up so i've got to keep doing it and i found that the healthier i am the clear i am the more creative i am i used to think you know for years i did so many gigs wasted uh you know and and in fact for a long time you could have counted in on one hand the amount of gigs i did not wasted so i and then i got to the point where i thought i couldn't do a gig unless i was completely hammered and then when i finally started doing gigs sober and straight it was like this revelation oh my god i've been noble in myself for 30 years you know yeah so i i find i'm more creative i've got more energy more drive to work and you know just more i've got more options now so you've got to i think you've got to keep fairly healthy if you want to if you want to last uh i you know i've got a lot of things i want to do i've at the moment you know i'm writing a solo record i'm in the process of writing that i've got the book out now the third book i've got two different fictions that i'm starting to work on to write yeah i'm making a rockabilly record with chris cheney from the living end and slim jim phantom from the stray cats and we're in the process of making an album with the australian chamber orchestra so the idea is keep this keep yourself busy yeah keep moving forward and keep trying new things yeah what are you doing are you on a bike hey how are you keeping fit or is that just the performing no part of its performance but i do pilates i get in the gym you know i used to do martial arts for years and stuff like that and i you know get up and kick and felt things and do all that sort of shit as i got older i just find that you know all my joints are too sore from hitting things so so i do pilates and i've done yoga i do i do anything to keep fit walk you know swim uh you know any anything i can do but i think you just got to keep yourself active otherwise you just you know you especially after the lifestyle i've led you know you'd be in a heap on the floor jimmy just a few more questions before we go just um back to killing time there's a lot of different types of stories in here i mean like um from everywhere from up in memphis all the way down to coral island somewhere off the coast of australia what um process did you go through to come up with the stories that you're going to write for this book you've lived off a very long and interesting life yeah yeah well i still got a lot of stories i think i just sat over the months leading up to writing i remember i must write about this and i put it into my phone and a note in my phone and a lot of those i didn't get to because when i sat down and wrote other things would come to me i tried to make this book a bunch of stories that weren't really related to each other yeah but i found by the end of it that they all seem to be related in some way or another and even stranger i found that they all related to the other two books so yeah uh you know that i mean life's got a way of you know when you're when you're traveling along just ignoring everything uh of putting big red flags up saying you should be doing this or you should see this and change this and a lot of those markers i didn't see because i was so wasted a lot of stories i guess it's still sort of sort of cathartic therapeutic for me to write them because there was stuff you know i mean i write i write stories like there's a story in the book it's called a curse on you and i remember this this day vividly and i was in america it was in the mid 90s i was in america and i was really wasted at the time and i was leaving the recording studio in limousine and driving home and i wanted to get a bottle of vodka right so i got the limo to pull into this little strip mall in la cienega and i knew the bottle shop was there because i'd seen it right next door to it there was this fortune teller shop right and the fortune tellers had the red velvet curtains yeah and had a crystal ball on a table with a with a light on it looked like a set from the monsters you know and i and i so i'd seen it but i knew there's a bottle shop there so that's why i stopped and i remember the limo pulled in and i fell out of the limo looked like something you know that movie arthur yeah and anyway so i fell out and i stang it in to the bottle shop i thought there was two doors right next to each other and i walked into the fortune teller by accident right uh that's weird this is what happened and as soon as i walked in i shut the door and it all went sort of quiet and muffled in front of this red velvet curtains everywhere there's candles burning them i thought to myself what a weird bloody bottle shop this is you know and it's this woman walks out from behind a curtain and she's in red silk robes and scarves tied around she looked like the guitar player from bruce springsteen's band little stephen you know i know stephen i know stephen i'm glad i sent you stephen and uh and she came towards me and i realized what i've done i thought oh fuck i'm in the wrong shop and uh she's going i must talk to you and i'm going yeah not now i've got to get out of here i got i just wanted to get back to the bottle shop you know and she's going there's a curse on you and saying tell me something i don't know look at me look at the state i'm in yeah and i kept backing up and i got to the door and she said someone very close to you is trying to kill you and by that point i'm going thanks but i gotta go back out the door i didn't got the bottle of vodka and i forgot about it right i sit and write in this book and that story came to me and i thought about it it's one of those moments where there was a big flag she was absolutely right somebody was trying to kill me and it was me yeah i should have known because i was going at that state i was still going to buy a bottle of vodka yeah so so a lot of the stories are like that they're sort of they're connected to to either my growth or my self-destruction you know but yeah depending when you're looking can you see any of these ended up on the screen or just any of your writing in general ending up on the screen you know listen who knows i mean i like the idea of that but you know listen this i don't write them for that i just write them mainly i write them to get them out and it's entertaining i write these things some of them are sitting right and i just have a laugh to myself you know and then somebody goes that's really good my wife said no you can't say that you know there's a few things you have to edit because the other thing is you know you know you write things and you go ah and this bloke was there and he's a fucking idiot so you have to be very careful what you say about people and how you describe situations i've been i've been lucky enough you know i just write it for myself and if you know if anybody likes it they can do what they like with it as long as they you know as long as they run it past my message first yeah that's it you're talking about how much how much of a fuck with this bloke is just remember he's coming over for dinner next week it's coming for dinner it's coming for dinner next week oh shit and you know and i've been i've done it you know because i you know you know the people you meet uh you know i've met you know some very funny really great people but i've also met some absolute idiots you know i mean i remember being like in los angeles it was full of them you know you go there and i remember being in a bar in los angeles and this guy was this big rock star at the time who remained nameless but i forget he's because not mainly because i can't remember his name but he wrote this song called the stroke the stroke right and he's just a fucking lunatic out there you know and he was and he's trying to tell me how he was the best thing in rock and roll ever you know and it and he's had one song and i think i ended up sort of carrying him out by the throat and put him on the other side of the bar and say just stay there and keep out of my face yeah that'll be your last hit you know yeah you just meet idiots all the time you come across them and you just have to you have to be able to recognize because a lot of people will bring something good to you i've met some people who are horrible who can make great songs yeah i've met people who are who you'd think would be complete assholes who are just geniuses and really really cool so you've got to keep an open mind and you try not to burn too many bridges when you're writing books i mean obviously this is this is something we can all enjoy thinking about in covid because no one's going anywhere but where would you say that your secret fans are outside of australia new zealand there was a lot in scotland yeah a lot of scotland yeah yeah yeah there's new zealand is a big big part of us you know we we toured i started touring new zealand in about 1975 with cold chisel yeah and we've been going back there regular ever since sort of different crowd to australia but they do love they love rock and roll they love the blues you played with played with bruce there the other day didn't you yeah we played with bruce on his last tour there yeah yeah it was really awesome i played there heaps i love i love new zealand but you know germany germany yeah germany they they love rock and roll in germany you know we go there sweden poland a little bit in france america you know america people people know who i am they're not sure why yeah but they know to be afraid they know enough to be afraid uh you know um but you know they've been sort of cult following there but europe is probably where cold chisel and myself sort of sold more records outside of australia you know a little bit a little bit a little bit in america but more europe germany particularly which is the second biggest rock and roll market in the world you know and they they do they have those mega festivals in german yeah just 300 000 people plus you know really outrageous festivals i suppose your career would have been really starting to lift as they were opening up to um in germany you know they would have um you know the wall comes down and you guys were you guys but we were going there yeah and we we actually went and played in place like leipzig leipzig or what it's called you know which was on the other side of the wall and you go into these places and they're dull and gray and you know you can really see they've been worn down by you know by communism and bloody and the weather and there's nothing going on and you get up and play in the audience and just go nuts yeah because they've been suppressed oppressed the whole time you know so suddenly they can get free and really cut loose so i mean it's it's good to see that change in the places but at the same time i've done i've done gigs and i've done gigs in in germany where you know yeah so yeah are these guys like you know white supremacists or something you know like really well you're playing with sort of heavy metal bands and you've got i think they're the wrong audience for me you know yeah so you just yeah but they're just it's a big country there's all sorts of people there and they and they just love to rock you know so you get out there and just play your music but scotland they love me because i'm you know i was born in glasgow and you go back there and the scots love every any any scotsman who's who's done well somewhere else they really love it so they've sort of adopted me back again yeah yeah yeah you were born there so they can climb it but i'm sure i'm sure they'd have you even if you weren't yeah but they like rock and roll there too i mean they're not they've got that but i do that they're like you know well we like it here too in patoota uh jimmy we and we love you invite me up i'll come and sing all right yeah we'll get you singing in the local club on the way out or have you got a club well yeah we do we've got heaps but um i suppose you know the next opportunity to be the uh the big red bash next year if you want to that'd be good i've done that that's really come out again yeah yeah i love it mate i played there a couple times that's a good spot out there in the big sand dune yeah we're two and a half hours on the most unsealed road in australia from there so um well that's great it's going to be good country though yeah it's good it's good and the patoota hotel's back up and running again too so we'll um we'll keep in touch but for the meanwhile we'll be reading your book killing time by jimmy barnes all the best guys nice to talk to you you too thanks for joining us mate |
cracked | proof_that_women_are_just_as_good_at_sports_in_movies | It's just it's incredibly sexist. Okay, they're professionals just like the men. They deserve equal respect. Look, I respect it I just don't like watching it.
I mean the WNBA is just like a slowed down less energetic version of the MNBA. I mean look take the best WNBA team Pit them against the worst NBA team and the women still lose.
Why don't you put your money where your mouth is captain? Sports wrong Me you 4 p.m. There's a court down the street. Oh, really? Guess it wouldn't hurt to warm up before I hit the gym. Oh Really hurt sure Surprise you even showed up at all new chat show Yeah, it stands for women's National basketball Association I know You know, I just thought that afterwards. Maybe I could play some baseball baseball Let's just do this Okay, your ball first first attend wins. We go by once two point is gonna be at the top of the And I'm just getting started I Believe we're 1-0, I don't even I think we've learned a valuable lesson here.
Yeah, what's that? Well, no video is gonna let a smug ripped guy like you beat a cute girl like me Movie law. Yeah, whatever.
You made me miss the gym. So girl power Man, you should really get a stunt double fish like that Girl, you can really dunk. Thank you I am starving Who the Republic is say I'm so high |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_garth_and_kat_sing_thanksgiving_songs_snl | Thanksgiving is less than the 20th one's free. Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, and if you haven't loaded up your ipod with Turkey Day music yet, then you're in luck. Here to promote their latest holiday-themed album, Please welcome the sexiest songwriters I'm aware of, Garth and Kat. sorry about that. we're here.
Guys, did you forget you were coming here again? What? forget? No! not at all. traffic was crazy. we were at the Empire State Building. yeah, we went all the way to the second floor, and the views were, like, kind of funny.
I think we were, like, fine, but we are here now. that's right, And our song that we rehearsed is called Directions to Grandma's House. And this is a real song that you have written and you are not making up right now. No, absolutely. Look, look. we have it on our Cd. Yeah. okay. all right, Directions to Grandma's House. it's right there. Okay. I can't wait to hear it. Okay, here we go. Love this one. that's pretty good. Okay, ready? One and a two. come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. make a left, make a right. and go up the interstate, baby. you got the ignition. oh, please, oh, please. it's the Turkey watch.
And they covered it in tin foil. Who loves the tin foil?
I said, ooh! okay! guys. hey, guys, hang on. hang on. thank you. maybe this is my fault because I keep having you on the show, but it just seems to me, don't get upset, like you're making these songs up as you go along. really? did you happen to watch the Latin Grammys? No. were you on it? no, but if you would like to see pops of color and so many people shaking their bodies. okay, you know what? so good. you're changing the subject. you know what? let me just look at this Cd. Okay, well, there you go. it's a piece of baloney. Oh, no. no. that means our Cd is between two slices of bread and our lunch bread. Come on. you guys, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and I was really hoping to hear something to help me get in the spirit. Look, if you're implying that we're not professional, let me ask you a question. how many unprofessional bands have a full-time backup singer? you guys have a backup singer? yeah. And guess what band he used to backup? Acdc! All right, you know what? let's bring him out. Now, please welcome our backup singer, Jan Pacabuk. Hi. I'm sorry I was late. I was putting up a shelf, and I put it up like this, and. we just did it. we just did it. everything falls on the floor. All right, well, I took C. why are you guys your friends? hey, are you guys going to sing another song? Yes, and this is going to prove once and for all that we do not make up our song, Seth.
So get ready to enjoy. Pilgrims are always friendly, unless they're pushed to their limits. Because there's not one pilgrim who's going to be mad forever. Right? ready? And one and a two and a three. I believe, I believe, Pilgrims. Lift the button their shirts, button their shirts, button their shirts in the mirror, in the mirror, and look themselves and say, Thanksgiving is coming, coming.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. we got a big, loud man, a big mistake. A Million Blocks is so comfy, so comfy. All right, come on. it's a rock, it's a rock.
I know.
Thank you. All right, guys, not only was Matt not written, but why do you call him a backup singer if he just sings with you the whole time? we could ask you the same question. What? okay, I'm sorry. you guys all have to go Now. No, no, we are leaving. we were on our knees.
Have Mercy. please, We came all the way from Dolly One. the food there is so good. Oh, it's so good. I don't want to talk about it. it's too yummy. they have these chicken sticks that you can just walk around with and eat at your leisure. All right. they're so good. you guys said you were the Empire State Building, and you said you were putting up a vertical shelf.
Seth, guess what, man? don't sweat the small stuff. Okay, buddy. Okay, our last song has music, so you're going to know that we worked hard on this.
Great. this is called Delicious Memories. perfect. If the turkey is a-cooking, then I'm a-comin' runnin'.' I love it. I won't lie. I need a fork and a plate and a pretty date and a slice of pumpkin pie. So far, so cute.
I'm more allergic. I'm more allergic. we run, man, it's so sweet. go ahead and Ken, yeah, everybody.
I'm gonna love you so much. Yes. that's my perfect table. |
SaturdayNightLive | jerry_lewis_school_of_manners_snl | Sit up and lie down.
Hello, my name is Mr. Flang. welcome to the 9-9-9 Jerry Lewis School of Management, where we teach you how to act real crazy and at the same time be thought of as a genius in Paris and France and all kinds of good stuff. Do I make myself perfectly clear? Mr. Flang?
Yes, Ma'am. Um, Mr. Flang, I am a woman. But being a woman. Oh, yeah, well, I can tell that you're a woman by the things there.
What a wonderful. Have a seat. I want to talk to the people.
Now listen closely, all right? Ahh! Okay, all right. the first thing I want the class to do is to take out the Jerry Lewis seat like So, All right? play through in your mouth like so and do as I do. it's a very good thing to do when you're at the opera and you're in the second act of La Boheme and you turn to your person with you and say, I wrote this song. Mr. Flang, according to the textbook, the Jerry Lewis twitch is only proper in the company of an authority figure. Now, is that true?
Yes. come right up, please. I'd like you to come up, please. Madam, please, don't be a. Ahh! don't be afraid to come up. stand right in Now.
Okay, now, I want you to pretend that you're the President of the Muscular District Reassociation and I. Ahh! You asked me what I like to be the Chairperson of the Mda Telephone.
No, I don't think so. I don't think so, Mr. Flang.
Now, come, please, go right ahead. No, I can't think. please, don't do this thing. Oh, hold on a thing.
Mr. Flang, would you like to be spokesman for Muscular dystrophy? Oh, I'd like to do that thing. Oh, that'd be a good thing.
Oh, wait. Oh! oh! see? Ahh! that'd be. See?
Mr. Flang? Yes. Do you really think that that would be proper? Are you saying that I haul our lawn, Irving Flang, of the J. Louis School of Managers teaching something that is bad in taste? Ahh! Yes, yes. I think that walking like that and drooling in front of the President of the Mda is extremely rude. And I would like my money back. Is that right? Yes. thank you. you'd like your money back? Yes, I do. very well, then, um.
I want my money back. perhaps you should just wait here for a moment or two. Fine, I will wait. Wait here.
Yes. Oh, Principal! Oh, Mr. Kaka! I'm calling you. I hope it's your coming. Mr. Kaka is right outside the door, and he's destroying places. Boy, he's so strange, he can knock you over. the voices win only, maybe. that is fun. Don't get up. don't get up. it is. it is unnecessary. it is. unnecessary for you to rise for a multi-talented principal such as myself. Oh, Mr. Kaka. Yes. Listen to me.
This person here, she disagrees with me, she feels that the school is terrible, she hates what we're doing, and she wants her money back. Oh, does she want her money back?
Mr. Kaka! may I call you Kaka? Ah! I am not in the least bit afraid of the critics of this school. Darling, when you attack this institution, you are not only attacking the man, you are also attacking my kids. Ah! What we are trying to teach here is manners, And if you in any way, shape, or form, think that what we are attempting to do is vulgar, inhuman, or just not working, then you, my dear, are a slut and a prostitute, And I have some pictures of Eva Braun that you might enjoy. Well, thank you. Oh! Ah! hey, go ahead. everybody. Dean has left me. It's okay. people have left me. don't let it worry you. it's incongruous. it is wonderful. Ah! Calisthenic time, go ahead. Ah! thank you. |
cracked | a_conspiracy_theory_too_weird_even_for_the_internet | It is a woman's body, it is her right to choose. Why are we talking about this?
This can only be counterproductive. No pun intended. Nothing intended.
Chris started it. I just don't believe in it.
Fine. Good. And I think we can all agree that it's a sin, so let's just leave it at that.
No. That's bullshit. Yeah. You were just saying you're pro-life. No. I said I don't believe in abortion. Boo! Right. You're pro-life. Don't label me, man.
It doesn't exist. Abortion is a myth perpetrated by the government to distract us from deals they're making with these giant companies overseas to harvest our organs for dog food, for the Chinese dog. Really? For Chinese dogs.
You think that could happen? Literally millions of people would have to be here.
Well, you have your beliefs and I have my facts. Wow. You are like fat poop crazy. I never knew that about you.
Roe v. Wade. Roe v. Wade was staged on a studio in Burbank, man.
Wake up. What does that mean?
Like the trial was staged or the ensuing legal precedent? Abortion is an inside job.
Oh! Maybe that could be it. No!
We're not putting that on our business cards. Well, it's catchy and all sorts of punctuals. It has nothing to do with the company. It could. And it has the word abortion in it.
We don't know what the company does. So, maybe that is what we should do. The fortuneators. Well, we're doing something on the internet and I'm pretty sure the technology didn't...
No. No, we're not doing it.
Yes. Do you think the moon landing is fake? Yes. But I do believe that they filmed it on the moon.
They just didn't need like the helmets and stuff. Just another way to scare Russia away from Uncle Sam's outer space.
Wow. Fine. Put that in your blog and smoke it. Kippy. And for now, let's steer the business card conversation away from conspiracies and abortion. If we could. The truth is in there. Oh!
That is a good slogan. It's slogan or logo. It's slogan. In this case, yes. No, in every case, man, logo is an unnecessary term created by big business to push candy and cards.
Wow. Chinese dog food. See, now I don't even know if you're being serious.
Exactly. Okay. I guess that's the meaning. We'll pick this up tomorrow. Yeah!
If you're happy, Chris. Don't worry, man. I'm not. |
TheOnion | U_S_Condemned_For_Pre_Emptive_Use_Of_Hillary_Clinton_Against_Pakistan | Pakistani officials are expressing outrage following what many in the international community are calling the brutal and unjustified use of Hillary Clinton against their nation. Secretary of State Clinton hit Islamabad at approximately 9 a.m. yesterday as most civilians were starting their workday or attending morning prayers. Just hours after Clinton arrived the UN released a statement condemning the United States saying quote under no circumstances is there ever a justification for the preemptive deployment of Hillary Clinton anywhere by any country. Joining us now is Pakistan's ambassador to the United States, Hassan Amderi. Thank you for being here Mr. Ambassador.
Preliminary figures we have here showing over 500 civilians suffered the full force of Mrs. Clinton and over a thousand more may have suffered some exposure to her inflexible hair and pseudo folksy hand gestures. It's horrible. Innocent women and even children had to endure her stiffly rehearsed stories about farmers she met who inspired her. She was even sent into a hospital. That's awful. Mr. Obama clearly regards our people as beneath human dignity to have unleashed such a woman upon us. The Red Cross has set up camps just across the Afghan border for the tens of thousands of refugees who fled their homes to avoid Mrs. Clinton. They were the lucky ones. Many more were trapped inside the Clintonized area and could not escape her clumsy attempts to relate to them. So people were caught completely unaware. I'm afraid so. The Hillary Clinton warning sirens sounded just a few minutes before she hit. It was too late for most people. They had to endure her cacophonous fake laughter.
Sir, I'm just getting word that the White House has released the following statement. We reserve the right to use Hillary Clinton in situations where all other options have failed. Mr. Ambassador, this sounds like a threatening tone. It is horrible. The world must unite against this act of naked aggression. Let a thousand Hillary Clintons rain down upon those responsible for this.
All right, Mr. Amderi. Thank you very much for joining us. Thank you.
Intelligence reports have indicated that Pakistan is developing its own Hillary Clinton and that Anita Alvey, a stiff, humorless provincial representative, could be ready to use against the major U.S. city as soon as 2011. Moving on, medical researchers are close to finding another cure for erectile dysfunction. |
cracked | responding_to_youtube_comments_new_guy_weekly | This is Alex. I'm very excited to be here doing another... The reaction of the first one last week shows me that the Cracked Brass does not monitor this channel. Not even a little bit. Can pretty much just hit upload. This week I want to connect with you guys and your comments on a video I made where I said Kanye West is the greatest philosopher of the 21st century.
I honestly try not to read comments. They affect me. If they're good, I can't stop thinking about it. If they're bad, I really can't stop thinking about YouTube comments. I mean, they're total garbage.
But your voices must be heard, so here we go. Hi, Robbie. I think I'd agree with you that there's a difference between philosophy and entertaining, but I think someone can do both. And I think by doing both, Kanye reaches more people than anyone else could. But some point taken on the difference, and thank you for that. Hi, Sedon. I think Kanye is working in the medium of rap music that lets you deliver maybe a more complex philosophical message than a pop song can. I think the way he practices his philosophy is more difficult than it would be for, say, Katy Perry, and I think he is making choices that sacrifice, in a lot of ways, his opportunity to make a profit by doing something that delivers a more artistic or serious message. But I see what you're getting at, and that's very my new point in this. I'm glad you brought it up. Guys, I've never really read cracked YouTube comments, but I am more than a little impressed by the intelligence of the current YouTube commenters.
Honestly, when somebody doesn't like me, that kind of makes me want them more. I shouldn't talk about that. You're retired. So I don't know what your favorite kind are, but I just got all of them. Surprise! I hope you're into it. Bang. We don't gotta talk about work all the time, do we? I love you. That was too soon. We're just... I like... I think you took things too fast. Please, you're a retard. Also, you had me in the habit of saying retard, so... We need some time apart, okay? Like a week apart. It's like you think you made a nice comment section.
Look who I found. Look who I found on the internet.
And then they V-club you. And you don't know what you did. What happened? You just did a thing.
Thank you for watching. Um, anyway, I hope that responded to your comments. And I hope you're happy.
It's all I ever wanted.
Roll sound. Roll cameras. And... action!
Of ours? The Academy Holes don't have a single ERF vessel that big. Who's in charge here? We are not leaving until we complete a diplomatic outreach sortie on the planet's surface. I don't know if anyone will come back alive. You failed. And we all died.
A second chance. Fresh start. What does the world even look like anymore? Just heart resetting your system. I can go home again! Where's my brain?
We are the same! This is how they get you! You all new? What? That guy's dead! You are kidding me!
Maybe because my destiny lies among the stars? Of course, we'll all be on the ship. Far from danger while Commander Spacefire leads the away team. So, um, taking time with lunch, I guess, is what I came in to say. Why would the captain even have to go himself? Hey, he dies. We all move up a rank. Really? |
cracked | why_the_worst_powerpoint_presentations_take_preparation | And through synergy, I think that we, as a team, can really increase our profits.
Ugh. Jennings, I'm not gonna lie, that really didn't go very well. Oh.
Uh, what about my ideas on the direction that we're taking with leadership? Your idea, and I quote, was to optimize our leadership so as to increase our profit base.
You clearly were not prepared for this. Maybe I was a bit short on time. What? I... Look, apologies aren't the issue. Frankly, your work lately has been slipping, and I'm not the only one who's noticed. What are you talking about? I mean, I have worked long hours, and I have been doing good work. Okay, well, hold on a second. Did you take a picture of yourself for this? Christ!
You say you don't have time to come up with a simple presentation, yet you find the time to preemptively build a defense into your presentation? I mean, this really speaks volumes. Yeah, well, sir, I don't think it takes a genius to figure out that you're hypercritical, and your bullying was bound to come out sooner or later. Oh, Jennings, I don't think you want to start this.
It's not like Barry and Garfinkle are model employees either. Garfinkle has been stealing and eating scotch tape. I think it's no surprise why Barry has been in the bathroom every day for half an hour.
Where did you get it? I've never seen that. That's enough, Jennings. I don't know where you got those photos.
But I won't stand for this kind of personal attack. Now, obviously, I need to fire you. Not so fast. I'm calling security. Jennings, you fucking idiot. We have our guns on you. Even if you shoot always, it will be the last thing you do. Maybe. That happens. I'm taking you bastards with me. I have ten sticks of dynamite strapped to my chest that will explode if I either use the detonator or if my heart stops beating. So we're just going to fucking take her out of word or what?
All right. All right, Jennings. You win. Damn it!
What the hell do you want? What do I, uh, what do I want? What are your demands?
Uh, well, I am. It's not in here. I just get it to you next week. Jennings! Hey, everybody. This is Dan. Thanks for watching our videos. Please subscribe. I'm sorry.
I just saw Die Hard 5 before doing this, and I can't. I know I said I wasn't going to talk about it, but I can't think about anything else. It was so bad, and it wasn't a Die Hard movie, and I had never written a Die Hard movie, but I could write a much better Die Hard movie, and so could you. I've never met you, but I know that you could do it better.
There was no heart to it. No one was having any fun. None of the relationships between characters made any sense. Um, no one died that hard at all. It wasn't clear what the villain's plan was, or really at any time.
Just calm down, Dan. Just calm down.
No, I want to workshop all this out. This team can really increase our profits.
Ugh. Jennings, I'm not going to lie. That really didn't go very well. Oh.
What about my ideas on the direction that we're taking with leadership? Your idea, and I quote, was to optimize our leadership so as to increase our profit base.
You clearly were not prepared for this. Maybe I was a bit short on time. What? I... Look, apologies aren't the issue. Frankly, your work lately has been slipping, and I'm not the only one who's noticed. What are you talking about? I mean, I have worked long hours, and I have been doing good work. Okay, hold on a second. Did you take a picture of yourself for this? Christ!
Jennings, you say you don't have time to come up with a simple presentation, yet you find the time to preemptively build a defense into your presentation? I mean, this really speaks volumes. Yeah, well, sir, I don't think it takes a genius to figure out that you're hypercritical, and your bullying was bound to come out sooner or later. Oh, Jennings, I don't think you want to start this.
It's not like Barry and Garfinkle are model employees either. Garfinkle has been stealing and eating scotch tape. I think it's no surprise why Barry has been in the bathroom every day for half an hour.
Where did you get it? I've never seen that.
That's enough, Jennings! I don't know where you got those photos, but I won't stand for this kind of personal attack. Now, obviously, I need to fire you. Not so fast. I'm calling security! Jennings, you fucking idiot! We have our guns on you! Even if you shoot always, it'll be the last thing you do. Maybe. That happens. I'm taking you bastards with me. I have ten sticks of dynamite strapped to my chest that will explode if I either use the detonator or if my heart stops beating. So we're just gonna fucking take her out of word, or what?
All right. All right, Jennings. You win. God damn it!
What the hell do you want? What do I, uh... What do I want? What are your demands?
I'm sorry, I just saw Die Hard 5 before doing this, and I can't... I know, I said I wasn't gonna talk about it, but I can't think about anything else. It was so bad, and it wasn't a Die Hard movie, and I... I've never written a Die Hard movie, but I could write a much better Die Hard movie, and so could you. I've never met you, and I know that you could do it better.
Um, there was no heart to it. No one was having any fun. None of the relationships between characters made any sense. Um, no one died that hard at all. It wasn't clear, uh, what the villain's plan was, or really, at any time...
Just calm down, Dan. Just calm down.
No, I wanna... I wanna workshop all this out. |
ClickHole | amazing_watch_how_this_one_startup_is_changing_the_way_we_get_around | We live in a rapidly changing world. Technology is constantly altering the way people connect to each other and to the world around them, and that means that the way people get from place to place needs to change too.
My name is Dylan Blake Ambrose, and I'm the founder and CEO of Whisk. The idea behind Whisk is simple, to create a company that gets people where they need to go, when they need to get there, in the most elegant and innovative way possible. With Whisk, accomplishing this goal is as simple as ringing a gong. You know, I was constantly looking for affordable ways to get around the city, but not anymore. Whisk just makes it incredibly easy to get where I need to go. Whisk gets me where I'm going on time, every time, and you don't even have to tip the monks because they have no need for earthly currency.
It's amazing. Whisk isn't just a way to get around. It's an experience. My friends are using it, my co-workers are using it, it's so easy. You just ring the gong, and no matter where you are, you're on your way in a matter of seconds. It's stylish, it's convenient, and most importantly, it's reliable. The monks always hear the gong, and the monks always find you. It's my favorite way to travel.
What can I say?
I love Whisk. We don't know where the monks came from, but they're here now, and that's what makes Whisk the incredible company that it is. Whisk is about innovation.
It's about simplicity, but most of all, it's about transformation, because the world we live in today, it's constantly moving. So we need to move with it. At Whisk, we want the journey itself to be a destination. Our vision is for everyone to travel together using a simple, elegant method that suits their needs. Whisk is about merging an ambitious mission statement with flawless execution. It's something special that we want everyone to be a part of. It's a way of getting from here to there that's ready for what's around the corner. I invite you to give Whisk a try. We have a bright future ahead of us. Let's get there in style. |
cracked | why_the_death_star_would_never_work | Hey guys, remember the Death Star? I got it right here. Yeah. Look at it. I've been thinking about the Death Star a lot lately. Really? It's clear that you have been too.
The first time we see the Death Star is in Revenge of the Sith, actually. The first of the prequels, our plans, look it's a Death Star, we're going to make this Death Star. 19 years go by and then a new hope happens and they have this fully done Death Star that is still kind of new on the block at this point. Then it gets blown up and then four years go by between then and Return of the Jedi.
And they got another one that's 90% done. And they're almost done with this new one and they built a little base for it on Endor. The moon where all the Ewoks live and the Death Star has decided they're not going to make the same mistakes. Now they have a shield over their Death Star and the shield is generated in a little base on Endor.
Yeah. This is a very important base that they've done nothing about. It is relatively unprotected. It doesn't seem very important to them. It's only a few guards. It shouldn't be too much trouble. As much as I root for the underdog or for tiny teddy bears that have cute languages, I feel like they shouldn't have been easy to defeat with like log traps. Right.
We've got those chicken walkers who are like, this is wrong for how I'm built. Although to be fair, no terrain seems right for those things. You can't really turn quickly in one of those either. So if you're there and you're like out of the, I don't even know if you can see out the side windows of the chicken walkers, but probably there's guys like, oh, that giant lug.
Is there another one over there? Yeah.
No way out of this. They designed this thing with so many infinite falls in it. Like every, like every deck you turn around, it's like, well, don't go there. That's where the pit that goes forever is. Let's not forget that they have the one pit that's full of a monster that they're, that's right.
Yeah. There's a trash compactor that also has some weird alien that, and I don't know. Is that their version of a rat? Is that rats in space? Oh, you're going to get them. Yeah.
How did they get on? Like where did they stop somewhere? Did the Death Star like stop at another planet and like, how do you dock that?
Like, it's like a planet, a planet. They just hope that you're coming to a planet that is bigger than they are and has like a, like a nice little cup for them.
I guess. Just park their thing on. Did they build it too... Yeah.
A nice little cup holder. They fit neatly. Cannot be overstated that there's a torpedo shaped hole in it.
Right. And that leads to its total destruction. Like there, like, if you, like just make sure you don't get a single laser, lasers are free by the way. Right. It only takes one in this laser torpedo shaped hole to destroy everything we've worked for. Not to mention the estimated 1.7 million crew and 400,000 droids, droids aren't cheap. That's all gone in the first Death Star. Yeah. And they only have like, like all of their, I'm going to assume best R and D guys are doing the Death Star plan that blew up and then they're like, by Return of the Jedi, they built another one.
And they're like, well, the problem wasn't the plan. The plan is sound. They also didn't think of separating everything.
Aren't there like separate planes for like the president? Like right now, like you have the president on separate planes, so in case like something happens, you know, they could do the same thing with the Death Star, like multi little Death Stars.
Yeah.
Give Darth Vader one, give the Emperor one, give Grand Moff Tarkin something, some little thing. I'm going to him. Probably died on the Death Star, Adam. I knew I used to think you were more about Star Wars than me. I would know that because of the Star Wars expert I am right now.
The Empire is not like out as evil, right? The trilogy, there's the Rebels and Rebels typically means bad guys. So if there's Rebels, that means there's a status quo run by the Empire and no thing in the history of things was like publicly out as evil. No, of course, right.
We were mad at Nazis. They thought they were doing a whole good thing, but they were not. Like no government system could survive if they're like, it's me, dark America. The Empire is probably publicly neutral or good. They're like providing jobs and everything. I don't understand why there was no one in the meeting when they made the Death Star to talk about branding because we in America have like the thing that lets people listen to your phone conversations and read your text messages. We very pointedly call that the Patriot Act because we know how important branding is because we know how bad it looks for a senator to be like, I'm really against the Child Smiles campaign.
Yeah, that's weird. It's weird that they didn't have a 3PO who's fluent in 6 million forms of communication and at least one form of PR. Right. You know, like they didn't have any of those there? I mean, they could have just called it the Family Star, but the Family Star would have been amazing. Were they just in a rush when they made this?
Like they made this, they rushed and made a decision, they're like, I don't know, call it the Death Star because it kills things? Right, and it's round and moon shaped. You know, like stars are. Can you imagine the guy who like really thought he was coming up with something poetic, like Death Star, that has a ring to it, and then like as soon as he finds out people think it's a moon, he's so fucking mad that he got Han Solo's feed from the Millennium Falcon because why don't they have that? And they were like, that's no moon. Of course it's not a moon, it's a star, it's in the sky, and it looks like it's a space station. It's a space station. Well, it's the, it's, it's like a super space weapon with a beautiful name that Robert Frost couldn't even come up with.
It's hard not to point out that it's not effective.
They bring Princess Leia, I've seen the films, they bring her to her home planet, Alderaan, and they're like, you need to tell us where the rebel base is. Dantooine. They're on Dantooine. It's not, it wasn't on Dantooine.
She tricked them.
Under enormous stress. But they blew it up anyway. Yeah. They blew up Alderaan, didn't know that they were wrong yet, didn't know that Leia lied to them. This won't hurt us later when we need more information. Anyone in the galaxy who didn't already assume that the scary hissing monster in the thing called Death Star was evil, they're probably like, well, he just blew up our princesses planet. Guys, I think the Empire might be evil. Also, why didn't nobody check on them before the four years where they were rebuilding? Like nobody went back within that four year span to be like, what do you think the Empire's doing right now? Like, we know somebody survived. Yeah, there were three years between A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back that where we were just like, they're probably not building a Death Star. Whatever.
No, why would they be doing that? They wouldn't do that again. Oh my god, they did it again. They wouldn't do such a stupid idea twice, would they?
Well, it's Vader and he's still mad at me.
Hey everybody, thanks for watching. I'm Dan, this is Adam, that's Carmen. Like and subscribe if you haven't already.
And tell us in the comments why the Empire is secretly good. Justify any of their decisions and I'll... We'll know you're full of shit. You'll out yourself. I can't wait. Nice try, Tarkin. |
cracked | 50_shades_of_grey_cracked_responds | I don't do romance, my tastes are very singular. You wouldn't understand. Can someone explain why we're watching this?
So this is the video you were talking about with the two stars of 50 Shades of Grey. Hi, I'm Dakota Johnson from 50 Shades of Grey. And I'm Jamie Dornan from 50 Shades of Grey.
Dude, so it's become basically like a known thing on the internet. That the two people in this hate each other's guts. They have the worst chemistry on set since the last people who had bad chemistry on set. So this is an interview they did.
Hey guys, how are you guys feeling today? Good. Really good.
It seems more like they're just hostages together and like being held at gunpoint from off stage are now being made to conduct this interview in the stupidest circumstances imaginable. Can you describe your dream shoes? Ones with jets on them. Like I would be furious too.
If instead of this, Alex and I were sitting here and then there was just a dude standing there. Yeah. And your face was like... Well, answer. Answer the man.
That has to be green screen. Like you can tell there's no reflection on the surface of the iPad. So these people asking the questions, that was like a separate shoot.
But he's making such good eye contact with him. It's like he's a little man inside that box. A little shark-faced man.
It's so unnatural. What's the sexiest weather?
What do you have most in common with Christian? Clearly the iPad people are after the fact.
The director had to tell him. Now respond bemused. As if Dakota gave him the answer that you weren't quite expecting. She was shocked. And then, alright.
What's the most effective aphrodisiac? Rapes. That was an aphrodisiac. Did she just say rape is her aphrodisiac?
Was that... Maybe.
Grapes. That was an aphrodisiac. Grapes.
Charcoal. Dark gray. She almost like loses her will to live mid-word. Like charcoal, she just goes... Charcoal. And if you slow down you can hear her go char or whatever.
I don't know if my eyes are full. What's one word you would use to describe Jamie?
Ooh. Superb. You're welcome. Thanks.
Like you're almost getting a false positive of yeah. From how they might just be normal people who realize they were just in 50 shades of gray.
Yeah, yeah. Smiled it. Yeah, exactly. Did you have the best time ever answering questions from strangers on an iPad? Yes. Best time ever, yeah.
That's like two people who want to have sex with one another in that picture. I'm just disappointed they're not doing that tampon scene, man. What is the tampon scene? Two things everyone's saying about this movie. The no chemistry thing. And everyone's pissed that they didn't keep the tampon scene in. Like the infamous tampon that you apparently are already aware of.
When did you start your period?
He asked out with Luke gazing down at me. It's not like what he's looking at here.
Yesterday, I mumbled in a highly aroused state. So you know she's highly aroused. You brought it to like me. He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string.
Dot, dot, dot. What? That's a what. Oh, that's a what. Exclamation. No question mark.
It's a lot of notes. I can't figure out what it means though emotionally. She writes the reactions into the prose. And gently pulls my tampon out, tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. And then two paragraphs later. Whoa! And I come. Which I'm assuming that's how the author wanted it to be read.
I feel like I could go to Google image search and just type in like Beetlejuice macrame. And I'm gonna get worse fed of shit than just being willing to make love to your partner while they are on their period. His number one creepy sex thing is wanting to have sex anyway.
Right. It's just a tampon gets safely removed and disposed of. I think that relationship on the set with the iPad between them is the sexiest thing I've seen on your screen in the past 20 minutes. Well, that sounds like a tsunami.
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SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_colin_s_agent_j_j_gordon_on_the_actors_strike_snl | With the actor's strike recently passing the 100-day mark, many actors have been out of work for months. here to talk about actors not being able to find work is my agent, J.j. Gordon. let's see, baby, I haven't seen you since Miami, Bud. how's my favorite client? Hey, J.j. so nice to see you. So, what's it like being my agent during the longest strike in Sag history? Well, I haven't been getting many calls about you, So, yeah, pretty much business as usual.
But don't worry, I got a lot of ideas for you once this thing wraps up, you know? Oh, really? yeah, like what? Oh, yeah? like the opportunity of a lifetime, okay?
Big new Netflix movie asking for a Colin Jost type. Oh, my God, perfect. What's the movie? it's called Not All Heroes or Sandwiches, the Jared Fogle story.
Okay, I'm not gonna do that. All right, all right, all right, all right, respect, respect. respect? Yes, respect that decision.
Okay, how about this, All right? what about Jurassic Park? Great. porn version. it's called Jurassic Pork. in the app, they're looking for a mofo with short arms to play a horny T-rex. I said you'd do it for free. J.j. I'm not doing dinosaur porn for free, man. that's not what you said, man, in Miami, man. man, we were getting twisted in Miami.
Ha, ha, ha, ha. you were throwing ass like it was your Quinceanera. My Quinceanera?
Look, are there any roles for me that aren't porn? Yeah, yeah, no, I hear you, I hear you. Okay, well, there's this new Disney movie you'd be perfect for, Okay? could be a blockbuster. it's a live-action Pocahontas reboot called John Smith's Revenge, the story of a man who hid it, quit it, and then remembered what team he's on. Feels right up your alley, Joe Steve. right up your alley. that is not right up my alley. Okay, how about a commercial, then? that's a big paycheck. Well, I suppose I have been eyeing another helicopter. Yeah, okay, how about this, okay?
Jersey Mike's looking for a new spokesman. Oh, perfect, I love their sandwiches. yeah, no, sorry, it's Jersey Mike. he runs a kill shelter in Newark.
I'm not gonna do that. Colin, help me out, man, help me out. look in the mirror, I got nothing to work with over here, Okay, you got a bad body, you got a bad vibe, and your face is giving Thomas the tank engine. it's just a flat, gray circle. Okay, okay, you're my agent. give me something, Cj, I mean, can you sing? nah, really? can you dance? a little. can you do impressions? Hey, hey, hey! you auditioned for Dahmer on Netflix. Yeah, yeah. they said no, because they needed someone with the slightest glimmer of humanity. J.j. then what do you want me to do? Colin, I want you to get out there, because people love you, they're real You, Okay? they want you to just be Colin Jost, Okay? which is why I think your documentary is gonna be huge for us. Wait, what documentary?
Jost. The two of us, my summer with Epstein. my agent J.j. Gordon, Everyone. |
SaturdayNightLive | austin_butler_and_lizzo_are_bringing_christmas_joy_to_snl | Hi, I'm Austin Butler, and I will be hosting Saturday Night Live this week with musical guest Lizzo.
I'm so excited. did you see the presents we left in your room, Cecily? What? Wait, you guys got me a present? Yeah. you didn't get anything for us? No, yes, I did. Oh, I got you this. Santa came early!
Thank you, Cecily! this is just what we wanted. Okay, that's it. that's it.
Hi, I'm Austin Butler, and I will be hosting Snl this week with musical Guest Lizzo. I guess you could say Elvis has entered the building. did you just come up with that? No, I thought of it on Monday. back to my friend came up that I stole it from him. Oh. it's funny. Hi, I'm Austin Butler, and I will be hosting Snl this week with musical guest Lizzo. And I'm Cecily Strong, and I'll be hosting Austin Butler and Musical Guest Lizzo at Snl this week. that's what I said. No, that's what I said. No, that's what she said. it's the Office. Oh. Hi, I'm Austin Butler, and I will be hosting Snl this week with musical guest Lizzo.
I'm sorry, can you do that a little more Christmassy? more Christmassy? Yeah, you know, it's more Christmassy. like, you're filled with the joy of the season. Hi, I'm Austin Butler, and I will be- Oh, no, no, no, no. that's all wrong. yeah, no offense, but you sound insane. it's the Christmas show, dude. you gotta sound like a fir tree smells. Oh, like you could do better?
Yeah. Hi, I'm Austin Butler, and I'll be hosting Snl this week with musical guest Lizzo. That was beautiful. that was perfect. I feel warm inside now. you're welcome. |
SaturdayNightLive | nba_on_tnt_danny_hoover_snl | We are back for the second half of action here in Downtown Los Angeles, where the Lakers lead their Lando Magic 5446 and with me tonight is our studio Analyst, Charles Barkley. Charles What can the magic do in the second half? Well, they just got to get better players alert. Actual magic.
Couldn't agree more now. we'd like to introduce a very special guest. He's a brave little guy and a big basketball fan. and thanks to the Wishmakers program, he's joining us here in the booth. please welcome Danny Hoover. hey there Danny. Hi. thanks for having me So yeah, why be a sports announcer someday. is that right, Danny? it sure is. I watch every game. that's cool. Danny. I like this kid me too. And here we go: Magic.
Start with the ball Jamir Nelson dumps it into Howard. Howard kicks it back out to Lewis Lewis. For three. it's good. nothing but the bottom of the net. Hey, this kid is good. he sure is. You're gonna fit in Great Danny Lakers with the ball down, Fisher gives it to Kobe. Kobe shoots. he misses nothing with the bottom of the net. No, not not this time, Danny, but you got the right idea. Yeah, Howard outlet pass to Nelson, has Petrus open on the wing, puts up a shot.
Nothing, but the bottom of the net and it's no good in the bottom of the net. No, no, no, it's it's actually not in the net.
Danny Because he missed. Here's Jamir: Nelson has come up limping so we'll take a quick break and be right back with more Nba action on Tnt. Danny.
I know you're nervous and but you might want to try mixing it up a bit. Oh, okay. I hear you maybe mention the net more. No, I'd actually mention it less.
Just keep it simple. stuff. like great defensive play, a nice pass. got it. Okay, great Lakers with the ball. Great defensive play. A nice pass. sorry, nothing, but the bottom of the net. Okay, just to remind our viewers no one actually scored though.
Paul Gasol is headed to the free throw line. he shoots from downtown. No, man, that's when you shoot a free throw. he's the three-pointers downtown. berries the tray. he hasn't even shot yet.
Why are you talking about Dan Martin? That guy played in 20 years, how do you even know who he is? The chains. Now he switched to football. Heard Danny.
What's wrong with you Again, I have Ocd Ocd is that it? for real? Easy Easy Charles. let's keep it together. Oh, I'm not gonna keep it together. This guy's out here wasting our time. he's not gonna die. he's got obsessive compulsive disorder. and that's some Baloney Charles.
No, I said it right here on national television. Danny, who is a world-class baloney here? Okay. all right. Okay. yeah. oh, thank you. Oh well, our producers just informed me that there are two kinds of Ocd and the kind Danny. Danny has stands for: Overwhelming Corpse Disease. Oh boy, that doesn't sound too good. No, it doesn't Danny. why don't you take it from here? Really? All right.
Howard passes to Lewis. Bottom of the net. Thunder. Danny San Fuego from downtown berries the tray in the top of the net. Time running out. Gretzky throws a hail Mary nothing, but the bottom of the net and he missed the free throw.
We'll be right back. I won't. |
dropout | urban_legend_er | Miss Mason, you've paged me 11 times. What's going on? It's out of control, Doctor. I've never seen it like this before.
Severe head trauma. Both of them? Yes. He was hit by a pin he dropped off the Empire State Building. And she was out to get her Sunday paper when her skull was crushed by a 300 pound block of frozen airplane waste.
Jesus, what are the chances? Give them a CT scan and an ICP. And watch their breathing, they may need an incubator. What's the problem here?
You know how we all swallow eight spiders a year in our sleep? I am a doctor, aren't I? Well, he swallowed them all in one night.
Christ, pump his stomach. We can't. He was in the pump on Elton John. He gulped on seven gallons of semen. Again? Indus vomiting. Go. The E-swing is overflowing, Doctor.
A train was derailed by a penny on the tracks. We need to abolish pennies.
Two of the victims need immediate kidney transplants. Oh, thank God we got these in today. No! Not in my kidneys! What? I woke up this morning without them in a bathtub full of ice. Get this woman her kidneys.
I got the x-rays back, but I can't quite place it. Here. Come. Take seven years to digest. But I thought it was worth it. You're not in med school anymore.
Help! You make sure I need help!
She made a face, and it stuck that way. He peed in the pool and it turned black. What's the matter with him?
I couldn't help it. It felt good. Give him a decarboxylase inhibitor. Give her 12.5 milligrams of promethazine and get this kid some new pants. I used to do it so much, I used to call me Teen Wolf.
We'll fix you. You're fine. What's the problem?
I'm pregnant. There were sperms in the swimming pool.
Did you do this? No, sir. It couldn't have been me.
I drink too much Mountain Dew. I can't even have an orgasm. Sneeze seven times.
Help him, John! No! He's a dixit!
Okay, here's what we're gonna do. We'll take the embryo out, we'll put it in this guy's abdomen, and he'll deliver the baby.
Excuse me? The boy in bed 12 ate pop rocks and coke. Fuck! We don't have much time! Never gets any easier, does it?
Doctor, it's the trained victims. We've lost them. All of them.
Bring them to the freezer. We can't. Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in there. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Cost_Of_Living_Tips_Fired_Up_Dogs_Hoarding_Grandparents_Making_Money_Off_Goi_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Hello and welcome to the weekly Batutah Advocate podcast, my favourite podcast, the superior podcast, the podcast where you've got me, Wendell Hussey and Effie Bateman, not one where you've got Clancy talking to some D-list celebrity about some gibberish, you This is where we talk about the news at some length, Wendell Hussey, it's great.
It is, it's not a name dropping competition. It's not.
How are you travelling this Black Friday? Very good, I've made some stunning purchases, bought myself a new bookshelf from IKEA, I look forward to putting that together with my impact drill and destroying it in one go. Yep, very good, Effie Bateman, yourself? Oh no, I haven't, I've got to get into the Black Friday deals, might go tomorrow to the shopping centre, see what's out there. The best thing to do I reckon is online, that's where you find the best deals and you can do like what I've done, I've afterpaid, I've clarned, so I've maxed out both of those and then obviously the credit card as well so I'm making sure I'm getting all the deals. Can you get zip pay as well? Yeah, you can do zip too, I've been cut off from them so I haven't but it's clarn or afterpay in the card for me, but yeah there's obviously great deals getting around. There are but I didn't really get that much of a Black Friday discount on my Coles Online purchase recently, they don't offer too many discounts though so. You've just got to go to the self-checkout and do a discount the old-fashioned way.
Oh yes, yes, yes, by putting everything through as unwashed potatoes. Well we're going to talk about that in one of our stories but I think it is time to start normalising stealing from those two very high profile thieves. It's a victimless crime. Oh 100%. Stealing from Woolworths hurts no one. No, I think technically if you argued it in front of a priest or something you'd probably be able to kind of draw the inference from the Bible that it's okay to steal from those people.
Yeah well like there's people who are on about saying you know it hurts the farmers but it doesn't. These two organisations, they bully the farmers into selling their produce so cheaply that there's no margin and they jack it up. Oh absolutely, I think if you get through a kilo of prawns as unwashed potatoes, know that somewhere around this vast land there's a farmer smiling thinking well done, you got one back over those fucking bastards. Endorsed by farmers.
Anyway what's our first story of the week? First story of the week and CSIRO finds millennials prefer minimalism because their grandparents' house was full of useless shit. Yes as the Gen Z have taken to TikTok to lambast millennials for their boring minimalism, it can now be confirmed that the reasons behind millennial grey isn't just a lack of funds but the trickle down effect of their grandparents' house. This follows a groundbreaking report from our leading scientific body confirming that many millennials have opted to lead a minimalist lifestyle after witnessing their grandparents hoard a ridiculous amount of useless shit which tends to include a lot of weird ceramic creatures and about 50 cuckoo clocks.
I reckon when your grandkids get to the age where they start owning their own home or renting their own home or having their own premises they will only have one or two cars given the amount of old carcasses that are sitting out the front of your place, Errol Parker and the back of your place as well, all waiting to be done up one day so I'm told. Yes well look the way things are going I probably won't even get to do one myself so as long as my kids and my grandkids get to enjoy the fruits of my labour which is about 40 grand in super and two commodores with stretched timing chains in the front yard then. I think by the time we get onto them that steal could be very valuable scrapbook. Can you imagine that I'm 46 years old and I have enough super in my account I can't even buy a top of the range Volkswagen Golf.
Well yes. What a fucking loser I am. That's the world we live in Errol at least you've got plenty of things Effie you should have come over that time when Errol got us around to clean out his shed just full of the most amazing bits and bobs you've. It's good that we found that pigeon nest I was living off those eggs for weeks.
Very flavoursome. About 50 in there that's delicious.
Absolutely now our next story comes from the supermarket world from the corporate world and we'll maybe do it a little bit differently the headline reads eight giant corporations that are doing a bit better at saving money than you stupid peasants. Obviously this comes in regards to the cost of living crisis and the vast corporate profits that seem to be reported every week or so I just thought I'd ask Effie Bateman who do you think is the best giant corporation at saving money. Oh it's got to be Woolies or Coles right? You'd think that but no they're thieves but they actually aren't that bad when it comes to other people. Commonwealth Bank they're the greatest savers in the land they just reported a quarterly value profit of 2.5 billion dollars. Well look I'm glad that they are healthy because I bank with them and I don't want to see my money get put in danger. Do you have shares by the way? I've got some EFTs. Because that's what a lot of people say with these large banks making huge amounts of money us stupid peasants could just invest in them and we would have money too. I would have thought that in terms of share price that it would be Cuntas but sorry Qantas. No no no I mean look they're pretty good but their profits aren't quite as big so you've got the four banks there you've got NAB ANZ and West Bank they're at all about 7 billion dollars they're not quite as good at saving as CommBank because obviously you do that quarter times four for CommBank they're up to 10 billion dollars those other three banks they're pretty good. Is it ANZ? Nah so those three banks they're the top four obviously they're the best savers by just charging people more interest than they pay out on people's interest for savings obviously very clever and innovative it's actually Shell comes in next.
Shell? Yeah. Well I'm glad they keep the country moving. Well they save four million dollars and obviously you might go oh hang on there's you know a war in Ukraine global petrol crisis all that sort of stuff. Of course. They're just passing on the prices well it turns out they're not they've actually saved four billion by charging a little bit more and increasing their profit margins by roughly 10% pretty good then you get Qantas Qantas sorry Qantas Qantas Qantas that's at 2.47 billion they're at 6. Nice. You got Origin Energy.
I am just going back to Qantas I mean you have all these inner city lefties these blue haired sideline shouters that were going on about Qantas who kept the country going who kept organs flying around the country during the pandemic? Qantas. Not Virgin. No. Qantas. They were making sure that people were still able to get from A to B in an emergency. People who were within the law trying to get home it was Qantas.
Very true and what were they doing it with? Our money. Yes. So they should. I know absolutely.
They're doing a public service. Yeah so and then now they're flying vaccines around they were doing a public service so we should give them public money. Absolutely and now they're making a profit they deserve it because as you said they kept us going during the pandemic. But Woolworths actually come in at number 8 Coles don't even make it Woolworths only saved $1.6 billion this year by basically charging consumers way more than they pay farmers for their produce so there you go they're pretty good head to the website if you want to see the full breakdown of the tips that those companies use to save heaps of money. Moving on to our next story Effie.
Yes and a local Chihuahua on its way to fuck up the biggest dog in the park. Yeah so Batutah Heights Chihuahua has this week proven that what he doesn't have in size he makes up with sheer audacity by making a beeline for the biggest dog in the park proving that there are only two types of chihuahuas the ones that get scared to be alive and go outside and ones that could do with a little bit more humility. Dobby Reynolds is the chihuahua in question who could do with a little bit more humility because he was seen frolicking around Batutah Grove this week before he thought it would be a good idea to pick a fight with a Rottweiler despite being roughly 1 30th of its size. Look it's unknown why Dobby was off his leash given his propensity for violence but onlookers recall watching in horror as a little ball bag sped across the park yapping and snarling as it moved closer to the Rottie minding its own business but thankfully the Rottie was a docile one and just lay on the ground wagging its tail before Dobby's owner collected the little shit. Keep them on a leash when there's big dogs around those little chihuahuas. Well yeah see if that story went the other way then I don't think people would be as cheery to read it. No it wouldn't be quite as funny if it was a big Rottie just going over there with a little chihuahua to shreds.
Anyway sports news to finish out the week and their headline reads Go Woke, Go Win the Ashes, World Test Championship and the World Cup. Right wing culture warriors in Australia have this week been forced to update one of their favorite sayings after Australia's historic victory in the Cricket World Cup. Those who enjoyed turning every single issue into a quote left and right game have been sent back to the drawing board on the old go woke go broke catchphrase. This follows captain Planet Pat Cummins leading his cricket team to victory in the World Test Championship and Ashes on English soil and the ODI World Cup. The sway of the victories comes after Pat Cummins dared to have an opinion on issues he believes in and I've since proven that you can focus on other things and still be very very good at cricket.
Yes not necessarily going to send you broke if you go woke. No I don't think that Pat is too broke I think. He has pretty good digs down there in the eastern suburb of Sydney and I read too that for some ungodly reason someone some bank has lent Mitchell Stark $25 million dollars him and his wife Alyssa Healy have bought a place for $25 million dollars in Sydney's Terry Hills district.
Mind boggling I believe they have an equestrian facility so maybe they're going to charge like horse riding lessons or something like that. I didn't know that they were horse people. They could be race horses. No I could see Mitchell Stark as a little bit of a hobby horse guy. Yeah hobby horse guy he could be turning that into his own oval. Maybe he'll set it up and Alyssa is probably more of a mainstream horse girl I'd say.
I'd say so and I think that Alyssa's probably got more inner to being batsman and keeper. So I don't think that Mitchell's back is going to do too much more. No thank god for the IPL for their sakes.
And then the PPL and then of course the CPL. Yes the Caribbean. You can keep on playing until you're 50. Probably gonna have to do the South African Big Bash as well. Well I heard that the Saudi Arabians were thinking of giving it a go. Oh mate if they do that. They've done golf. Yeah if the Saudi Arabians give it a go like they have with soccer and all that sort of stuff. Yeah with soccer.
Mitch Stark will be able to pay that place off with one season. Yeah I think that that would bring back the universe boss tour. I think he would come back for that one. Yeah he'd come out for a handy 10 to 15 million dollars a season. Come back Deremon I'm gonna hit the ball all over the pitch run. Interesting character of the universe boss.
Yeah I guess so. Anyway have a good weekend. Bye. |
TheOnion | stephen_strasburg_ceremoniously_re_injures_arm_on_opening_day | Welcome back to The Goof, if you're just now tuning in, you're an idiot, while neither Doc nor I have been shot yet, that's only because there hasn't been a gun pointed at our heads until now. I feel like I have nothing to lose. Just give me the gun. That's this gun to your head.
The Nationals officially got baseball season underway with an awe-inspiring opening day ceremony featuring hurler Stephen Strasburg blowing out his arm. His first pitch was a 102 mile an hour fastball that split his labrum in half and left his arm hanging lipply off the joint like a winless sack. Nothing better than seeing a young superstar rip his body apart to signal the arrival of America's mandatory pass time. You're as dumb as my dog Kenny, Kenny. Strasburg's nowhere near as good as Dwight Goody was at destroying his career. Careful Doc, loose lips, empty clips.
With the NBA season heading into the home stretch, the league's worst teams are battling it out for the right to draft NCAA champion Kentucky with a first pick. Kentucky's a once in a lifetime draft choice. They've got a combined wingspan of 118 feet and a collective basketball IQ of 793.
After missing several games with a torn meniscus Knicks phenom Jeremy Lin took New York's Beth Israel Medical Center by storm when he died in surgery on his very first day in a gown. Lin is the ultimate New York sports hero, flashy, temporary, just a bit ethnic, ultimately unable to save his team's back season and dead. You don't expect an early death like that from a Harvard kid.
Speaking of things nobody saw coming, NBA forward, Thomas inspired dozens of Charlotte area fans yesterday by becoming the first Bobcat to dunk a basketball. What a remarkable story for all those players over there whose names I don't know and I refuse to learn. I think any sportscaster who doesn't know any Bobcat's players should be shocked. Also I should note this group includes me. And yet still more fucking basketball, Tim Duncan credited his 50.23 rebound performance to the huge amount of refined sugar in the three bowls of Cap'n Crunch he consumed before last night's game. He threw free throw attempts, he ran around with his arms out like an airplane, singing nonsense songs and asking if there was any Cap'n Crunch left.
That stuff's even better than having a gun near your head right, Doc? You know what? What? Fuck the gun and fuck the network and you know what else? What?
I don't want to yell about sports anymore. This is no way for a man to live. Doc, you're talking like a man with a death wish and you have my extra set of house keys so knock it off. I'm sorry Kenny. I have to think for myself.
Was that a guy? Doc? Doc!
No! |
cracked | the_most_insane_local_commercial_you_ll_see_today | Listen up, if you live in the Riverside area, you should know that shopping for clothes doesn't have to be a nightmare. Just come on down to the warehouse where our goal is to make your shopping experience as painful as possible. Hi, I'm Bradley, founder of the warehouse, and I know how horrifying it can be to shop for clothes. That's why at the warehouse, you can be rest assured. You'll never have to face high prices, pushy sales staff, or a single mannequin. We got ten dressing rooms, and no limit to the amount of clothes you bring in there with you. Take your time in there, and only bring out the clothes you want to buy, and rest assured.
No mannequins will be trading places while you're in there, because that's the warehouse guarantee. No mannequins. Unlike those other stores that may claim not to have mannequins, we don't even have disassembled mannequins in storage. No mannequins in the dumpster, and absolutely no mannequin nest in our basement. I do not like mannequins. At the warehouse, you can take your time and browse with the confidence that you'll never have to turn your back to a single mannequin.
Don't believe it? We've also put mirrors all over the store, so even if one mannequin did get in, it makes it physically impossible for one to sneak up behind you and put its fingers in your mouth. Let's see Macy's and Bloomingdale's make that promise. I take every precaution because I'm not happy unless you're happy, and I only hire employees I know I can trust. I'm the only one! Don't check us out at the corner of Westmont and Euclid. We're here in the outdoor shopping center.
Oh no! You got nine to nine. Tuesday through Sunday, don't forget to mention my name, you're in a 10% discount. Why? I can't wait to see you. Holy s***. Hey, you need to exit 364 and backtrack four miles, then make a ride on Temple, a ride on Thurston, and a ride on Euclid, another six miles, and you're here! |
dropout | spy_talk_sponsored | Brought to you by the city-friendly Toyota Prius C. Welcome to Spy Talk. The show where we ask a real spy the questions you were always afraid to ask because they're bad questions. I'm Streeter. And I'm Mr. X. Here, Pat. And we're here with John Grogan, a private investigator with over 30 years of experience. Okay, John, now be honest.
Ooh. Now, what made you want to be a spy? It's a way to play cops and robbers and get paid for it. You could also be a cop or a robber, too. Yes. So can you do anything that a cop can't do? Do you have, like, additional rights, flexibility, things like that? Well, when you're state licensed, you have power throughout the whole state to do your job. If you're following a dentist who's suspected of cheating on their spouse and suddenly they get on an airplane, you can get on that plane and go to Las Vegas with them where they meet with their secretary. Oh. And then after that, you can go check out Zick, Fried, and Roy, or like David Blaine. Yeah, table games. Totally.
High sticks, high gout and stuff. So the Prius C has the highest city MPG rating of any non-plug-in vehicle. Now, I imagine you're using some mean gas out there on these stakeouts. What would you say your gas bill is? Well, we normally bill the client at 50 cents a mile. He'd be like six trips to Arby's. He went to go see Girl at the Dragon Tattoo. So I just had to do all these things. The mileage is on top of the hourly.
This is the coolest, like, sleek spy gizmo that you use in your profession. We like a lot of the hidden camera items.
Have you ever called a client a dame? No. Well, Judi Dench came in once and he referred to her as a dame.
What's the longest stakeout you've ever been on? Down by the seaport. There's so many things happen down by the port. How do you cope with the boredom? Are you literally just staring at a boat for three days?
The secret weapon to keep us alive is Howard Stern on satellite. Wow. Listen to Stern.
Why do people use the word gumshoe? In the old days, we had to walk quiet. We're peeking in people's windows and we had to use soft-soled shoes, gumshoes. There's another word for those, which is sneakers, which is also pretty descriptive.
Have you ever repelled down something? I've climbed downstairs. Well, that's just called walking downstairs.
Okay. That's it for Spy Talk. I'm Pat. I'm Streeter and we'll be watching you. What? You're just being weird. Yeah, I'm sorry. |
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What? hi. What? Oh, you already date me. |
TheOnion | NewsBlitz_Senate_Session_Interrupted_By_Wailing_Of_Ted_Kennedy_s_Ghost | We're being attacked by news from all sides in tonight's News Blitz. First, our front line story out of Washington.
Progress in the Senate was hindered once again today by the crying of Ted Kennedy's ghost. Fulfill our obligation to, uh, in order to fulfill our obligation to the American people that this is a nation of laws and this bill will send a message the spirit of Senator Kennedy began to wail after Scott Brown was elected to fill his seat in 2009. His cries grew louder, shaking chandeliers and causing lights to flicker after the Republican takeover of the House. And a coat of green slime appeared on the walls when Republicans started working to repeal healthcare reform. Ted Kennedy's ghost is not the first to haunt the Senate chamber. The ghost of Strom Thurmond howled for nearly three years until it was finally placated by Hurricane Katrina.
Now we're homing in on Houston, Texas, where NASA announced today that the crew of the International Space Station has successfully completed their 13-year mission studying man's ability to constantly repair a large object in space. NASA officials hailed the remarkable feat of maintenance at a press conference this afternoon. And throughout human history man has gazed at the stars and dreamed of fixing something up there. People once thought the ultimate feat in human repair was a really big boat. Today we've accomplished so much more. This comes in the wake of NASA's previous success finding out how many times an astronaut could hold something in his hand, then let it go, watch it float in front of his face for a bit, then catch it again.
And our onion ground sensors are picking up on this story out of Los Angeles, a pilot whose plane went down in the middle of the Kardashian wilderness has miraculously been found alive. 29-year-old Craig Hamilton was flying a single-engine plane to San Diego last week when a mechanical problem forced him to crash land near the great Kardashian volleyball court. Hamilton says he was thrown from the plane during the crash and blacked out, regaining consciousness near a jacuzzi where a large Chloe was bathing. After barely escaping, he spent four harrowing days foraging for half-empty yogurt cups and covering his scent with the smell of vodka so that he would blend in with the Kardashians. Hamilton made a brief statement to reporters. I'd never seen a Kardashian in person before. How close their faces are a lot more terrifying. Very lucky guy. The last man to get lost in the Kardashian wilderness, of course, went mad. Top off, you have survived the news blitz. |
Wizards_with_Guns | when_you_don_t_want_anyone_to_hear_you_poop_ | Oh! Hello?
Did you just pretend to leave so you could be here when I poop? Did you just wait for me to leave so you could poop alone?
Yours is way worse! Is it? Yes!
I'm not doing anything illegal. I'm just standing in the bathroom as is my right to do it.
You're being a huge perv! You clearly waited here until I pooped! Correction! Waiting until you poop! Judging from the pitch of that fart and the lack of those splashes, you've got plenty of poop in that butt.
And I'm gonna be here for the whole thing.
Why? Who knows?
Maybe I'm chronically constipated, living vicariously. Maybe this is the only form of power I can hold over others. Or maybe it's just random, Jeff.
Okay. Well I hate to rain on your parade. Oh I wish you would! But I'm actually finished here. So really. Yep. I've just gotta answer some emails and then I'm gonna wash my hands. Well if you're done then you won't be needing this.
No no no! Okay okay okay! Oh!
Looks like Charlie hasn't left the chocolate factory.
Okay fine! You know what? I'm just gonna hold it. You can't stay in here forever. What is that? Soup. You want some? Oh no. All right. Just let me know. I've got enough French onion to last the week.
Jesus! Help! I wouldn't do that. Help!
There's a maniac in here! Hello? I heard yelling. Yes? Please! There's a guy in here. He's trying to smell me poop or he wants to listen.
I don't know. Uh. There's nobody in here. What?
Wait! There's something back here. It's a thermos. A beef stroganoff? No. That's French onion. Wait!
Look what you made me do! Me? I didn't do anything! Exactly! None of this would have happened if you just pooped. But no. You just had to make it weird!
I'm calling the police. Why? I told you I'm not doing anything illegal. Killing someone is super illegal.
Oh. Oh you're right. I gotta get out of here. Yeah. I'd like to report a- Hold on one minute please. Sorry. Yeah. I'd like to report- Nothing illegal.
Look at me now! Look at me now. |
ClickHole | these_people_reminisce_about_the_first_time_they_understood_the_joke_of_bart_simpson_rude | Think about a joy that is so big you can't even imagine it. Are you at the limits of your mind? Too bad, because you need to get three million times happier.
That's how good it feels to know the joke of Bart Simpson. Rude. By 1995, I had learned almost all the jokes of The Simpsons, but the joke of Bart Simpson remained a beautiful mystery. Then one day, it hit me. It was like getting struck by lightning. And suddenly, I understood the joke of Bart Simpson.
Rude. Nobody prepares you for the moment you realize the joke of him. Rude.
It's just a normal Monday or Thursday or Wednesday or a weekend or it's a Tuesday or a Friday.
I actually was asleep in my bed when I woke up with an understanding about Bart Simpson deep in my soul. I started shaking all over and I drew this diagram on a piece of toilet paper I found in the closet. It took me several years to decipher this divine graph. Now I know its meaning.
Rude.
And it is so funny that I am still laughing about it right now. Every minute. I am even laughing about it now. I couldn't keep my mouth from talking about it when I discovered Bart's joke.
Rude. It's how he's Bart's. He's got he's rude. I walked into the middle of the street and shouted, the joke of Bart Simpson, rude, is so clear to me now. Bart Simpson lives in Springfield and the secret joke of him is that he's rude. Rude.
When I whispered the miracle of Bart's joke into the ear of my lover, she wept for seven years and then stopped. And then I wept for seven years. It was amazing.
Learning the joke of Bart, it's about rude, completely changed my life. For example, one of my kids is now a drawing just like Funny Bart. And I am so proud. Rude. A senator called me and asked me if I could explain to him the joke of Bart Simpson. Rude. I told him about the way Bart ignores respect. And the senator said, everyone at the government has heard Bart's joke, and now we're all going to stop fighting and get married. Now that I know Bart's wonderful joke, rude, it's rude, I feel like a completely different person.
I have more confidence and I read much slower. I smile bigger. My fingers are longer.
My dog is gone and I am impotent.
My only wish is that my father's ghost could have been here to watch me laugh about Bart Simpson and his big joke about rude. Instead, my dad is still alive, so he just came over and we talked about it for a couple hours. That was also pretty nice.
I guess what I would say to people who have never understood the joke of Bart Simpson, I know it, it's rude. They need to imagine someone who's being very rude and understand how funny that is. If you can do that, you're pretty close to understanding the joke of him, Bart, and how it works, rude. When you hear Bart doing his joke of rude, try to laugh at it and enjoy it. This will help you understand that it's good and that you love it. I showed up three years late to my wedding because I was too busy trying to understand the joke of Bart Simpson, rude, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. |
SaturdayNightLive | buddy_songs_snl | Hi everyone, I'm sorry to interrupt the show, but there's something really important that I need to share with you all. can I get the cast out here? I know you're all busy getting ready for scenes, but this is pretty important. As most of you know, I've had a great time working with all of you this week, but I've become very close to one of you in particular.
Will Ferrell. Hey, come on up your buddy. in this short week. we've become very, very good friends. and in fact, you're my best buddy in the whole world. So if you'll allow me, I'd like to sing a song about my best friend Will Ferrell. Brendan. I don't think this is the time or place why I don't think there's a better place in the world to sing about friendship.
Then on Saturday Night Live my buddy will scott his hand on my leg, and I'm starting to believe in friendship. My buddy will scott his hand on my leg, and I'm getting high on friendship. He's floating a smile my way and I think I'm digging it cuz I know talking on the phone till midnight, digging out on chocolate chip cookies. My pal will because there's nothing better than a buddy's warm hand on your leg.
Thank you. Okay, that was disturbing. let's go wait wait. we want to do one more look. You guys developed this for weird friendship all week long. That doesn't mean we have to listen to you sing about it. Fine call. And maybe I don't want to do your hip-hop Napoleon sketch one more song. You know?
It seems like no one values friendship anymore, Buddy. It's why Will and I wanted to sing you our special buddy songs. Dear dear Friend, How old is our friendship? I can see the crows feet around your eyes and feel your trembling hand on my dear dear friend.
We've had many a spat, but always in the end we are laughing over an ice cream float. Laughing Ice cream float.
Hand on fire. Friendship? Yeah. Picking me up at the airport, giving me advice, catching a matinee, and being strong enough to cry. He's my fire and his name is Will Buddy.
You guys are really creepy. Yeah, man, get a great. You guys are the best.
Well, well. it seems like they don't appreciate our buddy songs. Buddy: No wait buddies, yeah, you know I was thinking about it there and you've really touched me. Know I had a best buddy back in the old days you know, back then, but we grew apart. I miss them. that's terrible.
Norm. Oh, yeah. well, let me get up here. Hey, will you guys be my buddy? Yes.
Will you be my body? I'll be your body? I need a body? Then let's be body.
Oh thanks, everyone, I really needed this. This worked out great. |
cracked | gv_mario_s_burden | Mario, can I ask you a personal question? Yeah. And we were just in case we were having, telling some stories.
Um, how did you lose your virginity? Oh, I, uh, I won a time in, in, uh, world four, a level of three.
He has a name, uh, Bullet Bill. He has a name, Bullet Bill.
Okay, go on. And he, he and I, we go on a date, and he, uh, he really aggressive, he, he telling me, oh, oh, Mario, I, I wanna, I go on a date, and I'm, uh, I say, no, no, no, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't wanna, I don't wanna do, I don't even, I don't wanna do that. Yeah, you're, cause you're not a homosexual. Yeah, and he'll say, no, no, no, please, you, give me a sh-chance. Uh-huh. And we are going on a date, and he, he, turn you, he would get me really, make me, make me a drink, I'd get a really drunk, I'd fall asleep, and, you know, that was my first time. Wait, you're saying that you were date-raped by Bullet Bill? Yes.
Where was it? Describe the, the, your surroundings. It was on a, uh, a platform. For all to see? A grass-covered platform.
Was it like the accused with Jodie Foster? Yes. Was it like watching you? Yes.
There was a Goomba, and there was a Koopa. They're all kind of cheering. Did they take turns?
No. I don't think so. You were drunk. Yes. You don't remember a lot. Nobody knows about this. No, everybody does, Mario. Is that what you want? No. Do you, do you, is this like an awareness campaign?
You want video game characters, uh, who have been date-raped to- I'd rather not anyone ever experience- What you experienced.
Uh-huh. Now, did, did you have, have you ever had consensual sex? No. Well, I imagine you probably, ever since that experience, you've been probably pretty traumatized to sex in general, right? I don't know, like, a sec. I try to get us a, get us a sex, uh, princess a peach. Uh-huh. She would say, no. And then I'm, I, I feel, uh, no big loss. Yes. I don't, I don't know, like, a sex anyway. Yeah.
You can hurt, hurt amaya feelings. |
dropout | yay_or_nay_are_drugs_good_for_you | Drugs are great for inspiring creativity. Without LSD, Steve Jobs might have never created Apple computers. And without marijuana, I might have never created Oreo nachos. Drugs are for the weak.
If you need a chemical crutch to get through your day, I just feel... I feel sorry for you. Ugh, I'm sorry.
Can we take a... I have it on my coffee today? Oh, my God, thank you. Remember, kids, tobacco is wacko if you're a teen. Otherwise, who the fuck cares? Live life. Be cool. I don't need drugs. I'm high on life. Biological life that grows on cow poop. That's right. I'm talking about mushrooms. They're awesome. Try them.
You'll see demons, but you won't be scared. Here's the thing that you probably don't want to think about when you're on psychedelics. You look like a fucking idiot. I don't care what kind of experience you're having in your head. You're staring at trees and you're stupid.
You know what drug is great for you? Love. That's what I call street heroin. Come to think of it, I've kind of given some schoolchildren mixed messages when I gave that talk. Yeah, drugs are good, but not if you buy from fucking Dustin.
Fuck you, dude. That shit was garbage. Bitch.
Think about it. If Mario hadn't eaten mushrooms, he would never have turned into Super Mario. Then again, if Luigi hadn't done acid, he wouldn't have thought his entire mansion was haunted. You know, I believe it was Karl Marx who said that religion was the opiate of the masses. But last week, I went to church to try that out and I didn't get stoned at all.
So it's like, yo, Karl, what up, man? Why are you lying to me? Hey, man, if it feels good, then it must be good for you, right? Heh, heh, heh, heh, yeah. Carl, is your nose bleeding? What?
No, I'm good. I'm fine. A lot of people demonize drugs, but they really help me. Like, this one's for my social anxiety disorder. And this one is for my mild dementia.
And this one is a jelly bean. I like jelly beans. |
dropout | cop_talk_need_for_speed | This patch for tracking a silver Porsche speeds in excess of 150 miles an hour. Hi, welcome to Cobb Talk. I'm Pat. I'm Streeter and we're here with Officer Tom, a 12-year veteran of the force, and we're going to ask him all those traffic-related questions you've always wanted to know the answer to, but we're too scared to inquire about. Tom, thanks for being with us. Thanks for having me.
Have you ever seen a car that's so cool, like a Maserati or a Lamborghini or an Aston Martin or something, that you're like, I'm going to pull that guy over just because I want to check out this car. I have done that before, yes. And do you just make something up? No, I told him I wanted to check out his car. He actually offered me to drive it. Did you do it? No, I couldn't. What I did once, a couple of times the guys do, like if you're looking to buy a car, you would stop somebody with that car and say, do you like this car?
Tom, in car chases, how often do people actually get away? Probably 10% of the time. What is the coolest thing that you have seen, police chase-wise? I've seen a car roll over. Now, when someone's running from the cops and the helicopter gets involved, right, they're driving, they're trying to get away, they call in the helicopter, like, get the chopper in.
Should you just give up at that point? Can you even get away? Yeah, you can get away.
They go under a bridge or into a garage. Under a bridge, you're just under a bridge. You just stop, okay, we lost him, he's gone. You go into the tunnel, park the car and walk out.
So, Charlie, when it comes to traffic tickets, do officers have a quota to me? Is that true? They have incentives, but there is some productivity after the show. So, like, I give out 20 tickets. You get the new car. Yeah, yeah, I get the Dodge Charger. What is the best way for me to not get a ticket? To be honest. If I'm like, I'm not paying this ticket, I'm going to court. I'll show up for court whenever you want to take me to court. That's up to you, man.
I mean, you don't have to pull me over first. Is court kind of like a little vacation? You're like, oh, this is great. I don't have to be in the car. I can kind of just sit.
It's overtime. It's OT? Yeah. So, there's actually incentive for you to go to court. Oh, yeah. If you choose to fight a ticket, I'll go to court. No, I didn't know that. Good to know. That myth is busted right there. I'm driving. You're going to give a chase. Okay.
I'm not pulling over. I'm not pulling over for anyone.
They'll chase you to a certain extent, okay? But if it gets too dangerous, they'll let you go. Yeah. But you know what they say, you cannot run the radio. You know, we have police. They have cars all over. Actually, I'm working on a car that can go faster than radio waves.
Don't tell.
How fast can that be? Like 50 miles an hour? Speed of light.
Right. That's true. Because it's electricity, so.
So, what's the longest car chase you've ever been in or ever heard of or ever seen? What did he do? Pick a story. We stole a car. He ended up crashing into a tree, and he was out of the car and running before the car even settled. What?
He's gone. What a talented criminal. What an exercise in futility. Like, he's stolen this car, and he's like, awesome, new car, and then he crashes it. And then he's back to being on foot again. He's got to do the whole thing all over again.
Well, thanks again for watching Cop Talk. I'm Streeter. I'm Pat. Thank you again to Office of Time. You're a man. Dispatch.
Oh, we got a 3-2-2 on Route 19. 3-2-2, oh my God.
All right, we're on it. Let's go. We're on it. |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_cameron_diaz_introduces_her_butt_choreographer_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, number One, the End! familiar to you guys, right? yeah. you know, remember this? Yeah, it should look pretty familiar because I kind of do it in every single movie I do. let me take a look. there's Charlie's Angels. there it goes. Oh, yeah, there it goes.
Oh, god, out of control. Vanellas guy, the new one. Oh, and there's the Ben's one. mirrors, all right. there, and you shake the can. Well, I wish it were that easy. if it were, everybody would be doing it. You'd see Helen Mirren doing it, right? you'd see her rattling her can all over the place.
No, I didn't get here on my own. I had help from the very, very best. I'd like to introduce to you the man that makes what I do possible. my career would be nowhere without this man, my butt choreographer, Ryan Silverhammer.
Hi, everyone. Well, the next one's going to cost you. it's going to cost you the next one. you look fantastic. how's the butt? how's the butt? Good, good. What do we always say? left cheek, right cheek, crack down the middle, shake that can till it's hot like a griddle.
But they certainly know your work, Ok? they don't know about you. not about me. No, no, but they know about your work. right. you work with some of the biggest asses in the biz. My God, yes. my God, yes. right now, I'm working with J-lo. had to charge her twice my day rate. I'm sorry. that's a little inside. it's an industry joke. you've taught me everything that I know. I have. you have. But I want to show you some of my own moves that I've just kind of come up with in my own.
Are you seriously suggesting a butt off? could you possibly presume to cross cracks with the master? Well, I guess so. you know, you really seem to want it, So ok. fine. Maestro, some butt music, please. let's get this on. it is good. Ok, ok, Ok.
Stop the track.
Again, I apologize. Two inside. a track is a piece of recorded music, but, um, you may have won the battle, Miss Diaz. But just remember, when you dance, they're looking at my moves and not your can. All right, I'm off. Exhunt! |
dropout | stop_messing_with_your_vaginas | Cheers! So anyway, that was when I realized that spinach has way more vitamin B12 than cocaine. I've been trying to be healthier too. I felt a yeast infection coming on, so I looked up some home remedies online. Oh, I've read about those. Like a dab of tea tree oil or coconut oil or some other oil? Yes, just like that, except it's a clove of garlic that I make a bunch of tiny cuts on so the juices really ooze out and then I put in my vagina. Excuse me? Oh yeah, it's all natural and the antibacterial property, so the garlic help prevent sickness down there. Lily, your vagina's self-cleaning. It doesn't need you to put anything extra inside. I try and lead a healthy and holistic lifestyle and that applies to every part of my body.
Oh my god! Whoa! Put that away! No, not back in! In the trash! Ew!
Lily, your vagina's a delicate pH balance. It doesn't need you putting unnecessary things in there. That's why I just steam mine. How long has that been there? How can it help you if it's not inside you? This simmering pot is full of herbs that revitalize and rebalance my girly garden. Steams me open like an envelope.
But that is not the way to do it, Janey! Making your lady purse damper is only a way to make bacteria flourish. That's why afterwards I use a vaginal vacuum to hoover up any residue, and that restores my own youthfulness. What the hell is a vaginal vacuum? That is insane. Can we please just leave our badges alone, okay?
Just a little afternoon sext from my boyfriend Brad. Ever since I got a jade egg for my jaded little egg sack, my fertility and virility have been off the charts. Oh yeah, I've heard about those little jade eggs.
We don't need to see. We've got the picture. It's okay. Yes.
Has that been in you this whole time? I don't think putting a giant rock in your poly pocket is going to improve your sex drive. Don't those things cost like $100 and they're impossible to clean? My steamer is a home remedy. And my garlic tampon is the delicious garnish. No, it was $300 and I've never cleaned it.
Oh my God, Chet. Chet, are you okay? Was it something I said?
You guys need to stop messing with your minjas, okay? Just leave them alone. None of the things that you're doing achieve any of the effects that they say that they will. In fact, they are making it worse down there, okay? Just because some new agey product comes out promising you the moon and stars does not mean that you have to try it. I'm feeling really faint from this conversation.
Or it might be from the live bees that I let loose in my clam trap. Lived bees, multiple hives of bees to make a new queen bee, which then creates royal jelly that has the essential nutrients I need to boost my beef taco. Aren't you getting stung? Oh, yeah, I am very allergic to bees, but this will really help my get those plump bee stung.
Lips that I have been... Chet, we need to get you to the hospital. Yes. So, I think I'll just die here. Have a funeral, put me on top, no bottoms, so that the world can see the huge holistic effort I've put into my privates. Promise me, Katie. Yeah, I will. Chet. Hey, it's Lily.
Did you do the math from earlier? You did. Can you tell me how much it was? Because I'm bad with numbers. Five times one. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Panicking_Government_A_Reasonable_Voting_Option_A_Change_Of_Heart_More_May_13 | Now a quick message, we are trying to make sense of this political shitshow that is the federal election campaign live on reddit every tuesday at 6pm aest. Yes we are talking decode live on the program, you can lobby in and ask some questions if you want and it makes for a good tuesday evening chat, trust me we have had fun doing it. So head to r slash australia on reddit or keep an eye on our socials and get around it. Thats this tuesday and next for the wrap up, 6pm tuesday. See you there, now lets talk about whats making news on the weekly betuda advocate bulletin Effie and Errol, how are we all?
Good mate its good to be back here again doing a weekly, unfortunately Wendell again has fallen ill, its the third time he has caught covid in 4 weeks, back testing positive again. Low immune system on the young fella.
Its got me fucked. But lucky we have Effie Bateman here to hold the fort, how are we? Yeah doing pretty well Clancy how are you? Doing alright myself on the home stretch now, when I say home stretch I mean we have one week until Australians go to the polls and a new day starts, whether thats with our current government or with a new one, I don't care anymore. In exactly a weeks time we will be at the polls, I think about this time of day you will be having your 4th democracy sausage as you are casting your 4th vote of the day for a dead relative thats still on the electoral roll. Well I am glad I can put to bed those rumours about me floating around the graveyard late at night, its purely to just get a few names and compare who is still on the electoral roll and who hasn't obviously been struck off and thats basically what I have been doing in council elections and state elections for the last 20 years. Just I feel like its a bit of a loophole and its certainly, I feel enough to swing some of the results in the greater Diamantina Shire. Well thank you for dribbling on for 2 minutes, Effie whats making news?
Alright so a government that wastes billions on submarines and rorts says increasing the minimum wage is reckless. Yes thats right the nations safe economic managers have reminded the working poor underclass that they need to remember their role in society. This comes after the opposition leader backed calls for a 5.1% raise to the minimum wage which would take it up from $20.33 an hour to an astronomical and economically crippling $21.37 an hour. Yes thats $21.37 there but the people who run the economy say this is shocking and irresponsible because although the minimum wage has barely risen in the last decade a raise that is higher than the rate of inflation would essentially cause society to collapse.
Thats what they're saying I don't think anyone really knows what they're saying on both sides of the debate particularly the journalists. And just like the journalists it seems Australians are sick of politicians Effie. So this headline reads that, sick politicians?
You should vote for this corrupt billionaire who doesn't pay his workers. Yes for anyone out there who is caught in the familiar position where they feel like both major parties are as bad as each other well there's some relief on the horizon because there is a viable third option this time around. Thats right as anyone who has used YouTube or opened an Australian newspaper lately would be very aware there is a fresh and alternative proposition. For all Australians who are sick of politicians you can now vote for a corrupt mining billionaire who is making his 4th attempt at becoming prime minister because thats the way to shake up our democracy by voting for a man that uses federal politics as a stepping stone to open up more mines with preference deals and lobbying. Yes well it seems that the only thing that can stop this political renegade now Clancy is a giant piece of plaque detaching from the side of his a-order and blocking it. Quite visual that one but I would agree and we've got a comment here from Iris B2 who says fuck it lets just vote for him and see what happens. Trump ended up being a boss lets see what our version is like. Thats another interesting take on this all and I'm sure a lot of people agree with you Iris B2.
And coming up next this headline reads abortion should be banned says American man who is chanting my body my choice a year ago. So now you probably are across this one but if you aren't the Supreme Court in the US has had an opinion leaked which revealed they are planning on overturning a famous legal decision called Roe vs Wade. That would mean that the right to receive an abortion is no longer a constitutional right it would be up to the states to moderate and obviously given the way states like Alabama are I think we all know whats going to happen there. Yeah its caused a bit of a stir and by a bit of a stir I mean a major stir probably the biggest protest we've seen out front of the capital since the insurrection but one local man we spoke to over there said Roe vs Wade does actually need to be overturned because we need to protect the sanctity of human life. This is an interesting take from Aaron Williams a resident of one of those bible belt states who explained that abortion needs to be banned plain and simple. Yes his comments come less than 12 months after he was out on the streets protesting against vaccine and mask mandates under the premise that he should have the freedom to do whatever he wants with his body however Williams said that that was different that the same freedom doesn't apply to women who want to have control over their bodies. It is an interesting position to be protesting so you know vocally the sanctity of life when he was willing to risk his grandmothers life to go to Applebee's halfway through the pandemic.
Well she had a good run mate. Well that's an argument he's not going to make out loud. And what else is making news Effie?
And lastly on a fun note a party goer using a passport as ID either an expat or a hopeless drunk. Yep it's been confirmed this week that anyone spotted handing a passport over to a bouncer on a night out is 95% likely to be either one of two things an expat that hasn't gotten around to getting a proper ID or a hopeless drunk who has no doubt lost their license on the piss. The other 5% being a useless adult who has let their learner's driver's license expire but that is a particularly rare case. Anyway this story did quite well in the online edition of the paper so I guess you know that's where young people get their news these days. Yep I mean it's also something that speaks to young people these kind of statistics initially just a working theory it is now being confirmed with a select survey composed of notable train wrecks half of them that are known for having far too many glasses of wine or vodka hybrids and losing their belongings on a night out. That also means the passport is probably next and that is a much more inconvenient document to lose. It sure is mate $300 can go a lot further on a night out.
Anyway that's enough from us this week enjoy your weekend because Errol's just giving me an idea. Errol will. Errol's just giving us all an idea. |
TheOnion | How_To_Increase_Your_Cognitive_Ability_By_Reading_A_Fucking_Book_For_Once | There are thousands of puzzles and brain teasers available on the internet that promise to boost neurological function, but science has yet to prove whether or not any of these exercises actually work. What we do know is that you can drastically increase your cognitive abilities by just reading a fucking book for once. Maybe you've seen people doing this in public and thought, what is that person doing with those bonded sheets of paper? FYI, it's called reading a goddamn book. A study performed at Johns Hopkins University shows that dragging your body away from the TV for just 30 fucking minutes to read a book increases your cognitive abilities by 80%. And expected quality of life in old age triples if you manage to read even one pitiful book in your lifetime. This is because when you sit around staring slack-jawed at a screen for hours on end, your brain actually thinks you're dead. Just skimming the pages of any fucking book you find, even on the ground or whatever, you can trick your neurological pathways into thinking you are alive.
And look, you don't have to read a hard book. It doesn't have to be long. Doctors say that you actually don't even need to finish it.
Read a children's book or a book you already read in high school. You can even read books on a screen if that's what it will take. Your brain is begging you to read a book. Not a magazine, not a podcast, a genuine goddamn fucking book.
It's not that hard and your cognitive capacities will improve exponentially. Not that that's saying much. Increasing your cognitive ability is a great first step toward ensuring your mind stays sharp as you get older. Now, let's take a closer look at a few steps you can take to protect yourself from Alzheimer's.
Alzheimer's and its associated cognitive decay are tragic to witness, and many who suffer are ill-equipped to battle Alzheimer's in the early stages. But who is Alzheimer's? And what does he want with our memories? Simply put, Alzheimer is a 2,000-year-old demon who has fed off the memories of the elderly for centuries. His terror is one of the oldest recorded in written history. Scholars theorize that a sorceress stole Alzheimer's memories when he was a child, leaving him cursed to consume the memories of older mortals. Alzheimer is a shifty charlatan, often appearing in different forms.
People would warn each other of candles extinguishing and their elders suddenly incapable of remembering the faces of their loved ones. If you have family history with the wretched trickster, it's never too early to prepare for his coming. Loud thuds in the direction of an elderly person's room and cabinet doors opening and closing wildly signify Alzheimer is on his way. Should this occur, warn the elderly person you live with by waking them up immediately. Alzheimer devours the memories of the old in their slumber. Keep them up all night, lock all the entrances to their room and whatever you do, don't let them fall asleep. Alzheimer can be prevented by staying cognitively active by doing puzzles like sudoku or crosswords, as well as burning sage to summon the protection of your ancestors. Folklore shows that people over the age of 55 should keep active by slaughtering livestock and using their blood to paint protective symbols on their homes. If Alzheimer manages to break through your relatives' blockades, there is one final resort.
You can summon him yourself. Speak his name three times while looking into the flame, then wait. He may appear alone or with his succubus Parkinson's.
If you can correctly answer his three riddles, he will give back any stolen memories and never return to your family's lineage. However, if you answer Alzheimer's riddles incorrectly, he will return generation after generation to steal the memories of your children and even your children's children. So choose carefully. Have a grandparent that has already been robbed by the ancient demon spirit Alzheimer?
Next up, I'll show you a fun workout routine you can do while searching the neighborhood for your missing grandparent. As soon as you realize that your grandparent is missing, warm up with butt kicks. Try to think of where you saw your grandparent last, in the backyard, in the kitchen? The more you worry, the faster your heart rate will jump up. So really allow yourself to jump to conclusions. Now you're feeling the burn, and your grandparent has been missing for several hours. Plus, depending on where you live, it's starting to get dark. Lunge around your backyard and frantically call their name in an act of pure desperation. At this point, you're going to want to start panicking. Channel that anxiety for interval sprints. Sprint to the end of the block as fast as you can, then stop and search for 30 seconds. Remember, your grandparent is missing.
Looking good. Back to sprinting. Give it everything you got.
Your grandmother is out here cold and alone. She could be in danger.
Stop, search for 30. Repeat these intervals four times. If it seems like your grandparent may be lost forever, don't worry. This workout is great for finding aunts and uncles, too.
And expected quality of life and old age triples if you manage to read even one pitiful book in your lifetime. This is because when you sit around staring slack-jawed at a screen for hours on end, your brain actually thinks you're dead. Just skimming the pages of any fucking book you find, even on the ground or whatever, can trick your neurological pathways into thinking you are alive.
And look, you don't have to read a hard book. It doesn't have to be long. Doctors say that you actually don't even need to finish it.
Read a children's book or a book you already read in high school. You can even read books on a screen if that's what it will take. Your brain is begging you to read a book. Not a magazine, not a podcast, a genuine goddamn fucking book.
It's not that hard and your cognitive capacities will improve exponentially. Not that that's saying much. Increasing your cognitive ability is a great first step toward ensuring your mind stays sharp as you get older. Now, let's take a closer look at a few steps you can take to protect yourself from Alzheimer.
Alzheimer's and its associated cognitive decay are tragic to witness, and many who suffer are ill-equipped to battle Alzheimer's in the early stages. But who is Alzheimer, and what does he want with our memories? Simply put, Alzheimer is a 2,000-year-old demon who has fed off the memories of the elderly for centuries. His terror is one of the oldest recorded in written history. Scholars theorize that a sorceress stole Alzheimer's memories when he was a child, leaving him cursed to consume the memories of older mortals. Alzheimer is a shifty charlatan, often appearing in different forms.
People would warn each other of candles extinguishing and their elders suddenly incapable of remembering the faces of their loved ones. If you have family history with the wretched trickster, it's never too early to prepare for his coming. Loud thuds in the direction of an elderly person's room and cabinet doors opening and closing wildly signify Alzheimer is on his way. Should this occur, warn the elderly person you live with by waking them up immediately. Alzheimer devours the memories of the old in their slumber. Keep them up all night, lock all the entrances to their room, and whatever you do, don't let them fall asleep. Alzheimer can be prevented by staying cognitively active by doing puzzles like sudoku or crosswords. As well as burning sage to summon the protection of your ancestors. Folklore shows that people over the age of 55 should keep active by slaughtering livestock and using their blood to paint protective symbols on their homes. If Alzheimer manages to break through your relatives' blockades, there is one final resort.
You can summon him yourself. Speak his name three times while looking into the flame, then wait. He may appear alone or with his succubus Parkinson's.
If you can correctly answer his three riddles, he will give back any stolen memories and never return to your family's lineage. However, if you answer Alzheimer's riddles incorrectly, he will return generation after generation to steal the memories of your children and even your children's children. So choose carefully. Have a grandparent that has already been robbed by the ancient demon spirit Alzheimer?
Next up, I'll show you a fun workout routine you can do while searching the neighborhood for your missing grandparent. As soon as you realize that your grandparent is missing, warm up with butt kicks. Try to think of where you saw your grandparent last.
In the backyard? In the kitchen?
The more you worry, the faster your heart rate will jump up. So really allow yourself to jump to conclusions. Now you're feeling the burn and your grandparent has been missing for several hours. Plus, depending on where you live, it's starting to get dark. Lunge around your backyard and frantically call their name in an act of pure desperation. Grandma! At this point, you're going to want to start panicking. Channel that anxiety for interval sprints. Sprint to the end of the block as fast as you can, then stop and search for 30 seconds. Remember, your grandparent is missing.
Looking good! Back to sprinting. Give it everything you got.
Your grandmother is out here cold and alone. She could be in danger.
Stop. Search for 30. Grandma! Repeat these intervals four times. If it seems like your grandparent may be lost forever, don't worry. This workout is great for finding aunts and uncles too. |
TheOnion | Transportation_Secretary_LaHood_Hoarding_Traffic_Cones_Stop_Signs_In_Advance_Of_Looming_Sequester | In preparation for looming budget cuts, Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood has been driving across the nation, snatching up millions of road cones, flares and traffic signs and stockpiling them in his garage.
LaHood told reporters, "...if Congress wants to cut funding from the Department of Transportation, I swear to God, I have enough guardrails and white paint to make my own highway."
Staffers described the secretary as frazzled and irate, with sources reporting that LaHood's home is cluttered with piles of parking meters and railroad ties.
The secretary is urging Republicans to avoid the sequester by passing Obama's bill, but acknowledges that if that doesn't happen, he's got a fleet of tow trucks in his backyard so they can all go fuck themselves.
And transportation isn't the only department anxious about the budget crisis.
Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has reportedly been injecting herself with thousands of vaccinations, just in case Congress cuts funding to hospitals. |
TheOnion | Department_Of_Evil_All_Of_You_Must_Die_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_10 | The Department of Evil sending a strong and clear message today. All of you must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality?
And a new study conducted by OPR finds that an astonishing five out of five Americans are unsure what we're doing in their bathroom. Hey, what are you doing in here? I'm on the toilet. From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing whether or not my microphone is on, so hopefully you can hear me.
If so, stay with us. An ominous proclamation from the Department of Evil confirming today that every resident of the United States must die. Here with more is OPR correspondent, Alan Potts. Hello, Leslie. Alan, it seems like the DOE isn't mincing words with this one. No, not at all. The dreaded Secretary of Evil, Hammond Reynolds, laid out details for a comprehensive plan to scorch the earth and exterminate every living American from existence in a press conference outside the DOE federal building this morning. Here's a portion of that speech. So this is definitely concerning. Did the dread secretary offer any reason why the DOE has decided to extinguish the life force of all mortal citizens? Well, members of the press corps pushed Hammond to clarify aspects of the initiative, which the DOE is calling the You All Shall Die Screaming Program, but Hammond brushed off the concerns. Take a listen. Mr. Dread Secretary, opponents of this proposal say it infringes on the rights of citizens who wish to stay alive. How do you respond? Silence!
I see. But the short answer to why they're doing this is, well, they're evil. Yeah, they certainly are.
The Department of Evil has been criticized in the past for proposals that leave the streets slick with blood of the innocent and run well over budget, sometimes by millions of dollars. How is this All Shall Die plan different from previous DOE projects? Well, in the past, the Department of Evil has mostly been focused on terrorizing Americans, seeding clouds with excrement to rain down filth across the nation, building portals to hell so car-sized spiders can pour forth from the underworld to gobble up children, projects that horrified the populace but ultimately allowed for atonement. Details on the new program, however, are still vague.
Here's Hammond again. Question not, the Dread Secretary. Insects?
Very soon we shall swarm across the land, draining the lifeposs out of all you quivering mortal vermin. Your god has forsaken the United States of America, and all of you must die. Well, now that they've made it official, what can Americans do to prepare for death?
Great question, and one that I'm sure is on a lot of people's minds. I spoke with Department of Evil spokesbeast, Mal for saying the deranged, who had this advice. Well, I feel like I already know the answer to this, but is there any way for Americans to opt out of the All Must Die program? Yeah, you're not alone in asking that question either. Here's Dread Secretary Hammond Reynolds addressing the issue at the end of the press conference. Yeah, sounds like a no. Unfortunately, it looks like we're all gonna die.
Well thanks anyway, Alan. Please keep us updated. Yeah, sure. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_caitlin_clark_and_michael_longfellow_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost. the Arizona Supreme Court has reinstated a law from 1864 banning doctors from performing abortions. Now, reinstating laws from 1864 isn't the worst thing for me because I'm a white landowner. and a proud freemason. But it's probably not great to adopt health care rules from a time where the only two things doctors prescribed were prayer and cocaine. Saturday and Sunday.
Back then, if you didn't want to keep your baby, your only option was to give it to Rumpelstiltskin. President Biden criticized the abortion law, calling it cruel, which is the same thing Biden said when he voted against it in 1864. this week, Donald Trump said that he supports abortion laws being decided by the states instead of the Federal government. But why stop there? why not go even smaller and leave it up to the counties or the city? Or even better, take the government out of it completely and leave the choice about what women can do with their bodies to the person who knows what they can do with them.
The best, their husbands.
In a video on Truth Social, Donald Trump falsely said that democrats support abortion up to the ninth month and beyond, saying the baby is executed after birth. But he only thinks that happens because when Trump was a baby, a bunch of time travelers showed up trying to kill him.
O.j. Simpson died this week at the age of 76 after a battle with prostate cancer that was planted on him by the Lapd. there was actually an error in the L.a. Times obituary for O.j.
Simpson in the section about his prison time. instead of writing, O.j. walked out of the Lovelock Correctional Center, they wrote, Trump walked out of the Lovelock Correctional Center, a free man for the first time in nine years. And it's not a great sign for Trump that even autocorrect thinks he belongs in jail.
President Biden met with Japan's Prime Minister where they discussed building a new bullet train system in America using advanced Japanese technology. In return, Japan requested the Advanced American Technology of Forks. a new report from the White House claims that President Biden's billions of dollars of student loan relief will disproportionately help Latinos, which has earned Biden the nickname el Papa de Suga. yesterday, Mike Johnson, whose position as House Speaker is in jeopardy, traveled to Mar-a-lago for a meeting with Donald Trump. And boy is his jaw tires. that eventually got a flaw.
Senator Mitch Mcconnell, seen here being told a black woman made a country album, has come out in favor of a bill that would potentially ban Tiktok in the U.s. Of course, for Mcconnell, Tiktok is just what the Grim Reaper says while tapping his watch. This week, the term weaponized incompetence was trending on Tiktok. as some women were calling out their male partners for doing simple tasks badly on purpose, so they never have to do them again, here to comment is our resident boyfriend, Michael Longfellow.
Jay, always good to be with you, my friend. Michael, how you doing?
So what's your take on weaponized incompetence? Well, I just learned about it because my girlfriend asked me to buy dishwasher soap. and I bought dish soap, which is different, I guess. So my take is, I totally get her point, but what I need her to understand is, I'm just incompetent. and I'm trying really, really hard.
And I love you, Girl. So please don't be mad at me. Do you think she might get upset about you saying any of this on Tv? No. she'll be upset because I was supposed to pick up our cat from daycare yesterday and I'm realizing as I speak, I totally forgot.
Michael, that's not great, man. it's terrible. But in the words of J.lo, this is me. now. you know what? let me just talk to the ladies directly for a second. let me get the camera. I don't think you should, man. hey, girls. it's long, fellow. don't get excited. it's just a name. small wiener joke. No, you got it, man. we got it. just a joke. But look, ladies, what are we fighting about? this isn't us.
Yes, men sometimes mess up tasks so simple that a child could do them. But girl, that's society's fault. that's not us being weapons. the only weapons I own? right here. And they're for protecting you, girl. as long as he's smaller than me. sick, if possible. that's your point? I forgot to think of one. I know I need to be better. But here's the truth. if I lived alone, I'd have one plate, I would never cook, I would order food, put the takeout boxes on top of the trash can, and when the boxes touch the ceiling, move back in with my mom. that's a good life to me. I'm okay living like that. you're not, Kate. you just say your girlfriend's real name. yeah, oopsie. But let's turn the tables. let's talk about weaponized competence. weaponized competence? yeah, women. you're too competent.
Why do you know how to do all this stuff? How do you know the word duvet? who told you that? I've been living on the same earth as you, girl. never once heard duvet. and now you're mad at me because I don't know how to put it on. put what on What?
He's got some good points. Michael Longfellow, everybody.
I'm so sorry, babe. looks like a blanket for a blanket.
In a new interview, Billy Dee Williams says that actors should be allowed to do blackface, adding, if you're an actor, you should do anything you want to do. exactly, said Kevin Spacey. New York City officials are considering controlling the city's growing rat population by using birth control pellets, which will also finally let female rats focus on their careers. The Tsa reports that in the first three months of this year, they have intercepted 1,500 guns in carry-on bags, and the majority of them were loaded. because you're giving me that window seat.
Hey, stupid man. 72-year-old Jerry Turner from the Golden Bachelor announced that he and his 70-year-old wife are divorcing after three months of marriage.
But like they say, there's still plenty of fish in the sea, material.
Sematary, Colin. it's really good. it was announced that a musical version of Lord of the Rings will open in Chicago, so if you love musicals and you love Lord of the Rings, High School must have been a tough time. trust me, I know. the University of Iowa announced that basketball star Caitlin Clark will have her jersey retired and replaced with an apron. Oh! well, the Wnba draft, the Wnba Draft is this Monday, and Iowa star Caitlin Clark is expected to be the number one pick. here to comment is Caitlin Clark. but nothing for my joke, whatever. I am a fan, Caitlin, by the way. really, Michael? because I heard that little apron joke you did. Well, yeah, it was a joke. we're just having fun, you know? you make a lot of jokes about women's sports, don't you, Michael?
I wouldn't say a lot, but you know, it's not on the regular. yeah, no, it's definitely a lot. I actually sort of made a super cut. Take a look.
Well, no, we don't have to do that. a number of sports bars around the country are promising to only show women's basketball games during March Madness. the bars are known collectively as the empty Ones. a new report claims that recent stories on the Sports Illustrated website were actually generated by Ai, and it's already making glaring mistakes. for instance, it made up something called the Wnba. Iowa's Final Four game against Uconn was the most watched women's college basketball game ever, with 14.2 million viewers, beating the previous record by 14.2 million viewers.
Wow. Collin with the receipts. thanks, man. no problem, you know. unlike Che, I support women. No, hold on.
I think you're a great basketball player. I mean, I can't play like you do. yeah, we know. And obviously, I can't tell jokes like you do. thank you for that. But I did write some jokes, and it would mean a lot to me if you read some of them. just write over there on the cards.
Well, the Indiana Fever have the first pick in this Monday's draft. a reminder that Indiana Fever is a Wnba team, and not what Michael Che gave to dozens of women at Purdue University. you really wrote these yourself? Netflix's top News show is Ripley, featuring an eerie, unsettling performance by actor Andrew Scott. critics say it's the hardest thing to watch on Netflix since Michael Che's special shame is Up. there's more. this year, Caitlin Clark broke the record for three pointers in a single season, and I have three pointers for Michael Che. one B, two funnier, three dumbass. Yeah, no problem. And good luck in the Wnba. I hope you have a great first season. Thanks. I'm sure it will be a big first step for me. but it's just one step for the Wnba. Thanks to all the great players like Cheryl Swoops, Lisa Leslie, Cynthia Cooper, the great Don Staley, and my basketball hero, Maya Moore. these are the women that kicked down the door so I could walk inside. So I want to thank them tonight for laying the foundation, And Michael, since you're such a big fan, I brought you a souvenir. it's an apron signed by me. thank you. I can't wait to give this to my girlfriend. you don't have a girlfriend, Michael. Caitlin Clark, everyone. good night. time in nine years.
And it's not a great sign for Trump that even autocorrect thinks he belongs in jail. President Biden met with Japan's Prime Minister, where they discussed building a new bullet train system in America using advanced Japanese technology. in return, Japan requested the Advanced American Technology of Forks. a new report from the White House claims that President Biden's billions of dollars of student loan relief will disproportionately help Latinos, which has earned Biden the nickname el papa de Suga. Yesterday, Mike Johnson, whose position as House Speaker is in jeopardy, traveled to Mar-a-lago for a meeting with Donald Trump, and boy is his jaw tigers. eventually got a plug.
Senator Mitch Mcconnell, seen here being told a black woman made a country album, has come out in favor of a bill that would potentially ban Tiktok in the U.s. Of course, for Mcconnell, tiktok is just what the Grim Reaper says while tapping his watch. This week, the term weaponized incompetence was trending on Tiktok. as some women were calling out their male partners for doing simple tasks badly on purpose, so they never have to do them again, here to comment is our resident boyfriend, Michael Longfellow.
Jay, always good to be with you, my friend. Michael, how you doing?
So what's your take on weaponized incompetence? Well, I just learned about it because my girlfriend asked me to buy dishwasher soap and I bought dish soap, which is different, I guess. So my take is, I totally get her point, but what I need her to understand is, I'm just incompetent. and I'm trying really, really hard.
And I love you, girl. So please, don't be mad at me. Do you think she might get upset about you saying any of this on Tv? No. she'll be upset because I was supposed to pick up our cat from daycare yesterday and I'm realizing, as I speak, I totally forgot. Michael, that's not great, man. it's terrible. But in the words of J.lo, this is me. Now. you know what? let me just talk to the ladies directly for a second. let me get the camera. I don't think you should, man. hey, girls. it's long, fellow. don't get excited. it's just a name. small wiener joke. No, we got it, man. we got it. just a joke. But look, ladies, what are we fighting about? this isn't us.
Yes, men sometimes mess up tasks so simple that a child could do them. But girl, that's society's fault. that's not us being weapons. the only weapons I own? right here. And they're for protecting you, Girl, as long as he's smaller than me. sick if possible. that's your point? I forgot to think of one. I know I need to be better, But here's the truth. if I lived alone, I'd have one plate, I would never cook, I would order food, put the takeout boxes on top of the trash can, and when the boxes touch the ceiling, move back in with my mom. That's a good life to me. I'm okay living like that. you're not, Kate. you just say your girlfriend's real name. Yeah, oopsie. But let's turn the tables. let's talk about weaponized competence. weaponized competence? yeah, women. you're too competent.
Why do you know how to do all this stuff? How do you know the word duvet? Who told you that? I've been living on the same earth as you, girl. never once heard duvet. And now you're mad at me because I don't know how to put it on. put what on What? you guys got some good points.
Michael Longfellow, everybody. I'm so sorry, babe. looks like a blanket for a blanket. In a new interview, Billy Dee Williams says that actors should be allowed to do blackface, adding, if you're an actor, you should do anything you want to do. exactly, said Kevin Spacey. New York City.
They liked it. No, they didn't like it.
New York City officials are considering controlling the city's growing rat population by using birth control pellets, which will also finally let female rats focus on their careers. The Tsa reports that in the first three months of this year, they have intercepted 1,500 guns in carry-on bags, and the majority of them were loaded. because you're giving me that window seat.
Hey, stupid man. 72-year-old Jerry Turner from The Golden Bachelor announced that he and his 70-year-old wife are divorcing after three months of marriage, But like they say, there's still plenty of fish in the sea, Materi. Sea Materi, Colin. it's really good. It was announced that a musical version of Lord of the Rings will open in Chicago, So if you love musicals and you love Lord of the Rings, High School must have been a tough time.
Trust me, I know. the University of Iowa announced that basketball star Caitlin Clark will have her jersey retired and replaced with an apron. Well, the Wnba draft is this Monday, and Iowa star Caitlin Clark is expected to be the number one pick. here to comment is: Caitlin Clark. but nothing for my joke, whatever. I am a fan, Caitlin, by the way. really, Michael? because I heard that little apron joke you did. Well, yeah, it was a joke. we're just having fun, you know? you make a lot of jokes about women's sports, don't you, Michael?
I wouldn't say a lot, but, you know, it's not on the regular. Yeah, no, it's definitely a lot. I actually sort of made a super cut. Take a look.
Well, no, we don't have to do that. a number of sports bars around the country are promising to only show women's basketball games during March Madness. the bars are known collectively as the empty Ones. A new report claims that recent stories on the Sports Illustrated website were actually generated by Ai, and it's already making glaring mistakes. for instance, it made up something called the Wnba. Iowa's Final Four game against Uconn was the most watched women's college basketball game ever, with 14.2 million viewers beating the previous record by 14.2 million viewers.
Wow. Collin with the receipts. Thanks, man. no problem, you know. unlike Che, I support women. Whoa! No, hold on.
I think you're a great basketball player. I mean, I can't play like you do. Yeah, we know. And obviously, I can't tell jokes like you do. thank you for that. But I did write some jokes, and it would mean a lot to me if you read some of them. just write over there on the cards.
Well, the Indiana Fever have the first pick in this Monday's draft. a reminder that Indiana Fever is a Wnba team and not what Michael Che gave to dozens of women at Purdue University. you really wrote these yourself? Netflix's top News Show is Ripley, featuring an eerie, unsettling performance by actor Andrew Scott. critics say it's the hardest thing to watch on Netflix since Michael Che's special shame is up. there's more. this year, Caitlin Clark broke the record for three pointers in a single season, and I have three pointers for Michael Che. one B, two funnier, three dumbass. Yeah, no problem, and good luck in the Wnba. I hope you have a great first season. Thanks. I'm sure it will be a big first step for me. but it's just one step for the Wnba. thanks to all the great players like Cheryl Swoops, Lisa Leslie, Cynthia Cooper, the great Don Staley, and my basketball hero, Maya Moore. these are the women that kicked down the door so I could walk inside. So I want to thank them tonight for laying the foundation, And Michael, since you're such a big fan, I brought you a souvenir. it's an apron signed by me. thank you. I can't wait to give this to my girlfriend. you don't have a girlfriend, Michael. All right. good night. |
dropout | cell_phone_reunion | Hey, iPhone! You made it!
Any trouble finding the place? Trouble finding this place?
You kidding me? You ever heard of something called Google Maps, bitch? Bloop! You could have had this little shindig on the freaking moon and I would have found it. Seriously, check it out. Google Universe.
Oh, right. Well, there's plenty of food and drinks, so help yourself. Nah, nah, I'm good. I don't need any of that dog food. Don't worry, when I get out of here, I'm gonna just recommend myself a nice sushi joint. Shake it up! Bonjour! N'y'all reckon some sushi, huh? Well, it's just dynamite.
So anyway, I'm on the plane and the guy forgets to turn me off. Well, 35,000 feet in the air, I start ringing. You can imagine how embarrassed I was.
Hey, what's up, losers? Hey, Bluetooth. You still swimming in earwax, making everybody look like douchebags or what?
Hey, yo, up yours, iPhone. Yeah, you know, you're not the only famous phone in the world, iPhone. Yours truly spent years on Saved by the Bell as Zach Morris's phone.
Oh, yeah? Well, you were dialing up brain tumors left and right. Bang up job, that dipsh**. Hey, what the hell's your problem, dick? Oh, whoa, whoa, car phone. Looking good there, Slim. Whatever. I'm comfortable with my body. Oh, yeah, yes, yes, of course you are, sure.
You know, you're supposed to go in the car, not eat it. Good one, iPhone. Hey, iPhone, just get the hell out of here.
All right, I'm gonna go mingle. You know what? Just shoot me a text and then we'll, oh, nevermind. That's embarrassing. What's up, Crackberry? Just party lame or what? You know, I really wish you wouldn't call me that. Hey, what's your problem, buddy? Oh, you wanna know what my problem is? You walk in here with your minimal design and you think you're all hot. Well, I got news for you. This whole highfalutin' attitude of yours, it's really starting to piss a lot of people off. Oh, Crackberry, when'd you download a sack?
At least I'm not the one with eight million buttons on my face. Looks like you're walking around with a goddamn beard of bees. Oh, beard of bees, that's real nice.
Well, at least I know what I'm hitting. Look at you. Oh, touchscreen. Look at my touchscreen. I got something you can touch right here. Dial this up.
Whatever, you're all just jealous. None of you look as cool as iPhone. I'm numero uno and it's gonna stay that way for a long time.
Power off. Oh, cut it out.
That's not what iPhone is made for. I'm loaded with technology. |
wearethesundayblues | troye_sivan_chat_sandwich_episode_4_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | If you'd like to taste our chat sandwich, come on down and take a bite. Oh, that sandwich is really starting to smell. Yes, the sandwich. It's time for the biggest talk show in the entire world, with the word sandwich in the title. That's right, you guessed it. It's chat sandwich time.
Our guest today is a singer, a popular YouTuber with over 2 million subscribers, and he's also a movie star. Please welcome Troy E. Sivan. Thanks guys, it's good to be on the show. By the way, it's actually pronounced Sivan.
Oh, and it's just Troy, but he is silent.
Are you sure? Yep, that's my name. I've had it my whole life. So, Troy, you're an actor. Yep, that's right. You played Wolverine's son, didn't you?
Well, no, not exactly. You've also starred in three Spud movies. Correct me if I'm wrong here, Troy, but you played a potato who tries to go to boarding school with hilarious results. No, that's not quite right. I did play the title character in the Spud movies, but he's just a normal human boy. Wait, so he's not a potato who one day dreams of becoming a real boy?
Because that sounds way more interesting. No. Oh, well, it says here you were chosen for the lead role because you were homeschooled on a farm, and you didn't have many friends, so you spoke to potatoes most of your time. Obviously, over time, you gained their trust and learned to communicate with them telepathically. You know, with your mind. No, I'm sorry.
That's absolutely ridiculous. I mean, in fact, that may be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I mean, where did you even get that information from?
Sorry, Oakes. I ran out of internet cap halfway through and I had to make up some of the answers. Oh, damn it, Douglas. Once again, your so-called fucking research has made us look fucking stupid in front of this fucking actor.
Thanks a lot, dude. Thanks. Now, Troy, E. It's Troy. Apparently.
Look, while we've got you here, we've got some ideas to pitch to you to, you know, reboot the Spud franchise. Reboot it?
The third movie hasn't even come out yet.
I know, I know. Just look, just hear me out here, okay? Here's the concept.
There's this boy. He lives on a farm. Everything's going well.
Until suddenly, he gets bitten by a radioactive potato. Suddenly, things begin to change in his body. He's in the back alleys. He's fighting crime. Saving little old ladies. And his superpower? He shoots potato clips from his wrists.
It's gonna be called... Wait for it. Are you waiting?
Spider-Man! Boys, um, it sounds very similar to the plot of Spider-Man.
What? No, man, it's completely different. Look at a spider and a potato. You could not get two things more different. You don't go sit down in a restaurant and order a delicious spider. Well, maybe in Australia, but certainly not here in the real world. Alright, guys, look.
Well, that's where you're wrong, because we've actually already begun pre-production on Spider-Man, so... Oh, really? Yeah, we've got Doug back there.
He's performing all sorts of tests on potatoes with different chemicals and stuff. We're gonna save a bit of money on the special effects, you know, if we can create our own radioactive potato.
Yeah, so Troy, if you don't want to take the role, not a problem. We've got Tyler Oakley here on speed dial, so he's ready to go. Good luck with that.
Doug, stop being so clumsy! Um, guys, we've got a problem, yeah? Help! Look, put the technician down. He means you no harm. I knew it! You can't talk to potatoes! Do me a favor. Keep these two idiots busy so I can get out of here. Ow! Down! Look, I'm out, guys.
Good luck with your potato movie. Does this mean you'll take the role, Troy? Not in a million years! Join us next time for another episode of... ...Sandwich. |
cracked | the_only_8_types_of_tv_shows_that_get_made_after_hours | Closer. Michael Swaim, vagina whisperer. Michael, did you only bring titles? Yeah, was that wrong? Sue me, bitch.
Another idea I had. That's not an idea. That's just another title. If we're going to come up with a TV show, we can't just come up with titles. Oh, no, man. Coming up with the show will be the easy part. All TV shows are basically the same. Who works? Dammit, we're not even going to come up with an actual show idea, are we?
Yeah, you didn't see that coming? I didn't even bring any ideas because I knew that was going to happen. I don't know.
I mean, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, Mad Men. 90% of shows that are called groundbreaking original are the same show. It's a strong male anti-hero's journey to redemption. I mean, the Sopranos started it all. You got Tony Soprano, a bad guy that you still liked because he ruled, and everyone's just been remaking that show ever since. Housewear Engine is Tony Soprano in the Old West. Walter White is Tony Soprano in New Mexico on the side of New Jersey. Same complicit blonde housewife, same suburban setting. Don Draper is Tony Soprano if he used his penis instead of a gun to hide his dark secrets. And Will McAvoy is Tony Soprano in a newsroom. They're all dark, conflicted characters, most of them violent.
But they've got that soft side that makes them likable. Except Darren Sorkin. The likable part, I mean. Oh, you know, Sorkin might actually be a better fit for the other 10% of HBO's programming.
Entitled rich white people dealing with entitled rich white people problems that everyone else in the world wouldn't even identify as problems. Sex in the city, girls, how to make it in America, entourage. Well, a turtle runs out of weed the same day that he has to play in a video game tournament. Ugh, white people.
There are a few exceptions. You're six feet, you're real sex, you're Game of Thrones. But in general, those are the two types of shows that HBO makes. Not new TV. It's HBO. So let's pitch them our show, a complicated vagina whisperer ad. Ah. Look, if we really want to differentiate it from the other HBO series, we'll just set it in a time period they haven't used yet.
The future, the Civil War. They had vagina whispers in the Civil War, right, Dan?
Okay, yeah, but they have Michael Mann and David Simon to make their shows. They're not gonna listen to a bunch of internet comedy dicks and their sexy friend.
Thank you.
We probably do Michael's show on the USA Network with a few small tweets. We're not doing Michael's show. Yeah, you can't show vagina on basic cable. May as well make it butt whisperer.
Our violent, aggressive anti-hero would just have to be watered down into a quirky, charming guy with some kind of twist. Like monk. A quirky detective who, twist, has obsessive compulsive disorder. Psych. Quirky detective who, twist, is a psychic who, double twist, psych, isn't actually a psychic. Die hard. Quirk, twist, that's not a TV show. Ooh.
Guess I've only seen it on USA. Suits. Quirky lawyer who, twist, is actually a college dropout with a photographic memory and a suit. How do you have time to watch all of these shows?
He's terrified of socializing. TV characters don't care that he sweats so much. Okay, so Dan's quirk is that he's socially broken.
If he were charming, he'd have his own USA show. All of the USA protagonists are experts. Dan isn't an expert at anything.
Thanks, you guys. Plus, if we give it to USA, they're just gonna make it some case of the week procedural. I'd rather go straight sitcom than water down the vag wisp. Note to self, pitch vag wisp to Colgate.
What about CBS? They have some of the most successful shows on television. Despite the fact that I don't think I've ever actually seen a single one. CBS dramas are just regular TV for dumb people. I mean, their protagonists are all the same. They're all aggressively, inescapably good and their bad guys are always drug dealers or pedophiles. CBS doesn't want to confront their audience with the tough moral choices.
And our vagina whisperer is edgier than that. He's complicated. Or she's complicated?
Ooh. A fox.
Fox's protagonists are edgy. Jack Bauer, House, Gordon Ramsay. They're just bad boys who are total assholes except they're right all the time. Yeah, but Fox has a hard time canceling their shows. I mean, they either cancel good shows too early, like Futurama or Arrested Development, or they keep shows on well past their shark jumping moments like The X-Files or Heroes or even House.
For the least, we have each other. Oh, we got each other. Like two fathers from another one.
What about NBC? What are they making? Really great comedies that nobody watches except people like us because we're elitist culture snobs out of touch with the common man. UPN. Forget all the networks, man. Let's break some rules. Give people something they can't get anywhere else.
So it'll be like a family show. No, not a family show. What other annoying things do mainstream TV shows have in common?
White people. Okay, so no white, well, gotta have almost no white people. And no annoying teenagers. And no singing.
Wouldn't be a procedural. If you really wanted to separate it from the pack, you'd change it up every single season. Go somewhere new. Keep it fresh. Keep people guessing. We should make something totally different. Something that's about ideas instead of character.
Oh, our characters are bullshit. They're bunk.
This show is about life. It's about the human condition. It's about America.
Different people. People on different sides of the law. People that cross the socioeconomic spectrum. And they're all in the same place stuck together. And they're learning without even realizing it that although they're very different, deep down inside, they're just the same.
Is it... Did we just make The Wire? Oh, fuck. We did! Yeah, we made The Wire. Damn it. Well, The Wire's a good show. I know. I mean, there's not, you shouldn't be ashamed for coming up with The Wire. I know. It'd be nice if we'd made it first. That's my thing. Granted, obviously. So wait, you've only seen Die Hard on Basic Cable with commercials. And censoring? Yeah, I guess. What do you think Bruce Willis' catch phrase is in that movie?
Hippie by day, Ricky Martin. Shock on that for my show idea. Hippie by day, that's my TV show.
Dinosaur Detective, come on. We went through the two of them. We vetoed two versions. I have nine versions of Dinosaur Detective. Wow. Do we wanna go through them? Yes. All right, I'm gonna have to run to my car and get some figurines.
Hey, thanks for watching our video. And I guess, you know, subscribe and leave a thumbs up and leave a comment, but try to be nice about it. |
dropout | CollegeHumor_is_Shutting_Down | I Came to get my job back now, I know you're all mad and you've been ignoring my call Ignoring you we've been busy packing. Wait, what's going on? You're too late Katie I'm going out of business sparks was sold to another company within Santa Monica. Actually, I think it's Brett would know it Yeah, cuz they're not over the border yet. So it's still just a name I barely touched Grant's desk and now I'm all sticky Relax it's nose come why are we going out of business?
You guys aren't my family. We got to stick together His nose come nose comes my boogers Okay, I don't know if you've noticed or heard what traps been saying for weeks and weeks, but we're not doing well We don't have any money. I guess I just didn't realize how serious it was. No money means no company This is all my fault. Well, no, there's many reasons why business succeeds or fails and put it all in one person would be No, I was the worst to the people that I care the most about there has to be a way to fix This I mean somebody could buy us but let's face it. We're not living in a fairy tale here.
It's not gonna happen Well, how much does College Humor cost? Maybe I could help Yeah, Katie, if your little coom business has eight hundred thousand dollars just lying around then sure I guess you could buy College Humor for eight hundred thousand dollars eight hundred thousand thousand dollars. Yeah, that's it Eight hundred.
When do they need a pie tomorrow? Okay, but what time tomorrow? I Guess the end of the day. Is that like end of the day day or end of business? Yeah, it's 6 p.m. 6 p.m.
Great Hypothetically speaking if someone who was a cast member but was recently fired Was able to raise the necessary funds to buy College Humor. Could she get her job back as a cast member? I'm talking about Siobhan. I think she's talking about herself In this hypothetical Katie, I guess you would own the company and you could do whatever you wanted Trap put down those boxes Now I know that I have made a lot of mistakes, but I know that I can make it up to you guys I will fix this fix what fix the company or fix all my stuff What is this doing in my stuff do you like it Jess I'm married No, my nose comb is a very low sperm Thanks for watching that preview of Kingpin Katie if you liked it guess the Frick what there's full episodes You can watch right now on dropout They're action-packed and super funny and I'm saying that and I typically don't like anything I'm in go to drop out that TV and start your free trial today and sorry about cursing before with the whole Frick thing That was inappropriate. I've done that |
cracked | what_you_ll_see_on_chatroulette_a_song_about_dicks_cracked_classic | And even if you click next again, you'll probably see a dick again, on Chatroulette. And even if you click next again, you'll probably see a dick again. On Chatroulette there's at least a 20% chance you'll see a dick the next time you click next, next, next, next. But it's not all dicks, maybe you'll see someone shit. Maybe a pig of a chicken and an old lady wig and a list of some strange things you do in exchange for some tits. But be careful when you click next again, cause you're bound to see a dick on Chatroulette. Maybe you'll see a tit-but, I doubt it. Maybe a pig of some Listerine huffing a clown and maybe you won't see a dick, but then you'll see a dick.
And then maybe you'll see a chick, who actually wants to chat. She'll say hi, he'll say hi. And then she'll smile and black her eyes. But then you'll think about her dick, cause you're on Chatroulette.
And then she'll wiggle it and dance around the bed.
And then you'll get the man from that cat, who says Chatroulette is mostly dicks. It's mostly dicks. Mostly dicks. It's mostly dicks. Mostly dicks. It's mostly dicks.
Hey, I hear that Dan O'Brien's been doing impressions of us, and they're kind of mean and funny, so I'm going to do my own of him. Hey, I'm Dan O'Brien, and I'm a very talented writer for thecracked.com, and I'm a very dear friend to people I work with. Maybe sometimes I hurt their feelings with, you know, subscribe. Dan! |
Wizards_with_Guns | what_women_want_most_in_men_ | Hey, what about her? Her? Yeah, she's cute.
Go for it, man. Yeah? Okay. Be my wingman. Really? Yeah. Okay.
I'll be right back. Hey. I'm, uh, I'm Chris.
Ahh! All about sharing libations and lively conversation with this wench! What are you doing? Neil! Dude, stop! Announcing my lord, his highness, his high and dryness... Please stop. Chris! Enough!
I am so sorry about him.
No, I think it's kind of funny. It's kind of sweet, actually.
I'm not actually gonna do that. Stop, Neil! Okay, okay, fine. Stop, Jesus! That is not how I would treat a fair maiden.
Whose name is? Sophia. Let me guess, you're, uh, Virgo? Yeah, I am.
Privy! Wouldst thou offer a pittance to thy liege? Perhaps a kiss? Or a pussy?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe. Wait, is this working for you? Well, I mean, it's not, not working.
So, uh, anyways, I'm a Libra.
You're kidding! You know what that means. The lunch is short, sword deep within thy sheath. Shall I capture her against her wishes, my lord? Oh my god, no, man! God, you even smell like you're from medieval times! Look, if you're not gonna respect the method...
I don't! It sucks! My queen!
We will have sex with you. Perhaps a kiss? Or a pussy?
I'm so good at it! You're, uh, Virgo? Yeah! What am I saying?
That was amazing! That was real! God, you even smell like you're from medieval times! I sound like Luke Skywalker. That did kind of smell like a person! That's crazy! |
SaturdayNightLive | st_gabriel_s_rummage_sale_saturday_night_live | Hi, how's it going? Oh great. glad you could make it. Hey everyone, this is my cousin Sheila Bowen from St. Rita's Parish. Where should I put these? Oh, okay. Toaster cozies to the left and everything else to the right. Got it? Great. Hmm. now who would want to get rid of this? I don't know. So cute. Hi, Okay. oh, hi. look, can somebody go out to the trunk of my car and get my rice crispy treats? I want to know. I want to be able to set up my baked goods table. Oh, um.
Gail. we don't have room for your baked goods. this is a rummage sale. Just point me to my table. Oh Gail. she just told you that we didn't know. maybe you should shut your big fat blowhole. Look Gail, No, you look, if you don't show me where to set up my baked goods, then I'm gonna have to give you a free meal at the ass-kicking buffet. Now Gail, there is no need to talk in that kind of language. Oh, okay. well, maybe there's a need for me to bite your cheek off.
I'm curious. did you go deaf from being ugly? Or did you go ugly from being deaf?
What? Well, you heard the lady. There's just not enough room for your precious little lemon squares. And who the hell do you think you are?
This is my cousin Sheila Bowen. The same Sheila Bowen who went mad ass on the Wilson twins at the St. Rita's casino night went in the same: I've heard of you. you're good. you're real good. Well, I try and you must be Gail Lafferty. he's still pushing around housewives every chance I get. Now if you could move that mobile home you call an ass, I can set up my big goods table so I can make a wad of cash to feed the freakin' needy.
I'm sorry. I didn't understand. You see, I don't speak skank. All right, ladies, Now, please. why don't you want a piece of me?
You want a piece of no, no, no, no, no. See, I got a six-pack of whoop ass, Okay, should I pop one open? Oh, yeah, cuz I got a whole kego whoop ass You punch like a girl. Say hello to Holly Hobby. Do you want a mouthful of bloody chiclets? How about some earrings to match this choker, huh? you must really want to get your ass kicked Texas style, huh? Alamo bitch would you ladies like some lemon squares Fighting makes me hungry. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_colin_s_great_aunt_pat_on_holiday_etiquette_snl | Christmas is next week and we're all going to be back with our families. Here to talk about holiday etiquette is my great Aunt Pat. Hi Aunt Pat. Hi Honey, you look dashing as ever. And my how it's nice to be back on. Update.
Oh yeah, yeah, well except you've never been here before. Colin, where are your manners? Never ever question a lady, especially at Christmas time. Oh, I'm so sorry, welcome back to update.
Thank you. Now, Colin, manners are the glue that holds society together.
You know that you didn't even greet me correctly? I didn't? No.
See, at Christmas time, you always greet your elders with a kiss on the lips. And why the lips?
Manners, Colin. I'm going to need a drink after that. Where's my butler?
Mikey Day!
Wait, yes, Pat. Wait, Mikey, you're butler-ing for my Aunt Pat? Yeah, I'm like barely in any sketches this weekend. I need money for Christmas. what can I get for you, Pat?
I'll take a slow gin jizz. sorry, slow gin jizz? Yes, slow gin jizz from Jizzabelle Mary.
Thank you Mikey Day. thank you. And that'll be all Mikey Day. Okay. that'll be all Mikey Day. that'll be all. you can go ahead. Hey, he worked for it. he worked for it. that'll be all.
Aunt Pat, Aunt Pat, did you just tap his crotch? What? you mean a boop on the gooch? You know Gatsby loved to be greeted with a boop on the gooch.
Yeah, well. Gatsby is a fictional character, Okay. Colin, you know, my slow gin jizz has almost completely washed away my lip stain. Mikey Day! Here you are. Pat. I know. Remember how I taught you? you apply it to your lips and then you put your lips onto mine. Mikey, you really?
You don't have to do this. manners, colon, manners. Okay. it's like breaking a card.
Come on, Mikey Day. All right, Mikey Day. All right. they eat smoked salmon for dinner.
Whoa, thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you Mikey Day. Thank you. you only gave him one dollar? Mikey Day. that'll be all. And thank you so much. that'll be all. Aunt Pat, Aunt Pat. Thank you. that'll be all.
Aunt Pat, none of this seems like etiquette. it seems like you just want to kiss and fondle movie stars. Colin! movie stars? you boys aren't movie stars, you're Tv muppets. Aunt Pat, you're out of control.
Oh no, I'm staying here because I have a gift for you, Mikey Day. Okay, Mikey. Yes, Pat? I want to give Colin his Christmas gift, but his lips are a little dry. Mikey Day, do what you do.
No, that's okay. No, that's all right. I put on a little lipstick before I came out. you don't need to do that. that's okay.
Oh, yes. thank you. Yes, I'm having a slow Jin Jis in my own way. All right, All right. Okay, me now. me Now. I love tongues. All right, Okay. thank you, Mikey Day. you can run along. My great Aunt Pat, everyone. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Looks_Back_At_Dirty_Dancing | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. In today's summer classic film standard, I'll be looking at the 1987 coming of age drama Dirty Dancing, a sleeper hit about baby housemen's life-changing summer vacation with her family.
It was made on a shoestring budget and smashed not just box-office expectations, but also the mistaken assumption that adolescent girls should wait until some arbitrarily mandated age to explore themselves sexually. Parents, as much as we might fight this fact, sexuality isn't some light switch that magically turns on when kids reach 18. It starts much younger than that, and Dirty Dancing is commendable for modeling to girls that as long as they find a partner who is safe and respectful, like Johnny, their sexual awakening can begin whenever they're ready.
We meet baby as a wide eyed daddy's girl who's shocked and titillated by the raw, erotically charged Dirty Dancing she sees one night in the staff clubhouse. Baby can't dance, but she's an eager learner and she finds the ideal teacher in Johnny Castle. Sparks fly and their chemistry is undeniable, but baby learns a great deal when she's practicing alone on the bridge.
Girls, the most critical time you'll spend on your sexual education will be the time you spend getting to know your body by yourself. Notice how she gets frustrated? Remember, learning how your body works is a matter of trial and error, and no matter where you're at, you're normal. Maybe you haven't felt an urge to masturbate. Maybe your sex drive is so high that you touch yourself multiple times a day. Whether you use your hands or a sex toy, a hairbrush, you're on a beautiful journey to authentic sexual self awareness.
Baby's sexual evolution isn't without its roadblocks. Baby and her father, Dr. Houseman, share a close bond and mutual respect, but you can't accept the fact that she's a raw, red-blooded sexual being. And that's the worst thing you can do, dads, because guess what? Like it or not, your adolescent daughters crave sexual release just like the rest of us, and they're going to get it. You just want to help them make smart choices. Look at this scene where baby touches Johnny's buttocks. Playfully, respectfully, she makes him the object of her lust. Yes, she's emotionally involved, but it's important to note that neither baby nor Johnny ever says, I love you in this film. The fact is, girls, love is not a prerequisite for physical intimacy. Sometimes you're just physically attracted to someone and that's okay. Desire or simple curiosity are perfectly valid reasons to explore your sexuality. Pay attention to who baby chose as her first sexual partner, a patient, experienced person who lets her dictate the pace. And unlike most adolescent boys, probably understands that the female orgasm is primarily the result of clitoral stimulation.
Baby doesn't need to marry Johnny. They're not even officially going out. Baby's going to Mount Holyoke in the fall and then the Peace Corps. And right now she's just having fun, getting pleasure where she can.
When baby and Johnny finally perform the long-awaited lift, it's as if the 17-year-old is announcing, here I am world, vital, confident, and in command of the magnificent powers of my vagina. Her father's approving gaze is perhaps the film's most cathartic lift of all. For The Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
SaturdayNightLive | behind_the_sketch_scooby_doo_snl | Today, we're shooting a Scooby-doo sketch that takes a really dark turn. God! you just shot a cop? we just shot a cop. Mikey, Colin, and I share a blood thirst. And it's such a treat to be able to do a follow-up to one of my favorite sketches I've shot here, which is a crisp as Carol. there's chaos, there's blood, there's fully Cg characters, and did I mention blood? We built a skin of James, and then underneath it, when they rip off the face, they'll have his skull exposed. All right, and action! The script that we got yesterday had Sarah getting her face ripped off, Scooby-doo got his face ripped off, Kena got his face ripped off. this morning, that all changed to Sarah getting her head cut off and Mikey getting his arm ripped off, and Kena getting shot. we have this wonderful Sarah head that we just have lying around. and action! We'll go get help!
So what we have today on set is this guy right here for Scooby-doo. And via the power of Visual wizardry, we're gonna have a fully Cgi Scooby-doo voiced by Andrew.
Ro-ro-ro-random! Production design team made this incredible haunted mansion overnight. with all these gags, we have this actually rotating secret passageway. it became a thing in the rewrite. This needs to happen. we have the bookcase and now make it, figure it out. this bookcase leads to a secret passage. we got our spooky painting over here that our producer Emily, provided her eyes for. we can't have any witnesses. If there's one thing everybody at Snl and team at Film Unit is great at, it's pivoting. that's a wrap on James! |
cracked | why_disney_s_aladdin_is_secretly_horrifying_after_hours | It's Stockholm Syndrome. What's Stockholm Syndrome? Are you asking what thing is Soren describing as having the qualities of Stockholm Syndrome? Or are you asking for the definition of Stockholm Syndrome?
Neither. Impossible. The genie in Aladdin has Stockholm Syndrome. Impossible!
The genie has been trapped for, according to him, 10,000 years. 10,000 years!
And in all that time, all he ever wants is his freedom. Eeeeetty-bitty-litty expensive. And at the end of Aladdin, he gets it. And what does he do?
Uh, make a bunch of stupid puns. Probably. Dumb voices and dated references. A grigious product placement.
He returns to Aladdin's service. He travels the world for like a hot second, and then he goes right back to Agrabah and follows Aladdin around. And in Aladdin 3, King of Thieves, Dope Flair, Aladdin and Jasmine get married, and he serves as Al's best man.
And his wedding coordinator. And his decorator. And his valet parking attendant.
And so on. Additional items, I'm sure. But it just sounds like genie and Aladdin have like a genuine friendship, like the kind I've read about in my books. You're not missing much. Friends? Really?
I highly doubt the genie's being compensated for any of that work. So that means that he's been craving freedom for like centuries, but he doesn't know how to embrace it. All he knows is to serve unconditionally, which he will do until the day that Aladdin dies.
Wah. Solid counter. Don't pardon me. Wah. You know, I was confused at first, but now her point makes a lot of sense. Soren, you're wrong.
The genie is an immortal, all-powerful being. You will never get me to feel sorry for him. I mean, sure, he might fumble with his newfound freedom, but don't worry, because he's got infinity to figure out how to adjust. It's more anybody who isn't the genie that I'm worried about. Man, that includes us.
Should I be worried? Daniel, are you worried?
What? Yes. Oh, he's about it. Everything's terrible. Stop it.
We know so much about so many Disney characters, and yet nowhere in the Aladdin trilogy do they talk about where the genie came from. He's just this all-powerful being that lives outside of time.
Oh, I'm sorry. That's just common knowledge. I thought he lived in, like, old-timey sand, funny shoes, no television. Open vests, no shirt times.
Based on their clothing and technological advancements, I would put the events of Aladdin in the 1300s. Oh, god damn you. But meanwhile, in the movie, they say that the genie's been trapped in the lamp for 10,000 years. Was that 10,000 years before the 14th century?
Probably not, because he referenced his gradual marks and runny danger field. No substitutions, extensions, every five. I'm losing to a rug.
So, Aladdin must actually take place in a distant future where everyone's forgotten how technology works. There was all of human history, right, up to and including Rodney Dangerfield being a relevant pop culture touchstone. Then some shit went down over the course of 10,000 years that reverted everyone back to square one, where we ride on horseback. Markets boast fresh fish despite clearly being in a desert. Aladdin is set in a post-apocalyptic future, like Blade Runner.
Ooh! Or Revolution! Ew! Okay, that's one super dumb idea.
Aladdin could take place in the 1300s, but the genie exists outside of time. That's why he knows about all of our modern pop culture and technology. I mean, everybody's riding elephants and camels, and the genie knows what cars are. Now, that's somebody that's seen and lived through the future. Okay, well, that's just interesting.
There's nothing dark about what you're saying. Then obviously, you haven't seen the Aladdin cartoon show. I name-dropped the second direct-to-VHS sequel to the Aladdin franchise seconds into this conversation. How could you possibly think that I am unfamiliar? It was a weekly Disney cartoon set after the Aladdin movies took place. It's a normal adventure show, you've got Aladdin, Niago, Jasmine, Abu, and the now free genie just having a different random issue every week, kind of like your standard sitcom.
I know! So?
So, that's proof that Agrabah, the city where all of these events are set, eventually it gets destroyed, and the genie knows and does nothing about it. Because Agrabah is fictional.
Is it? Was it? Do you?
In the movie, the genie makes all sorts of pop culture references that are real, which means that the genie exists in our world. You know what doesn't exist in our world? Agrabah. Or any historical evidence that it ever existed, which means that sometime between Aladdin and the present, Agrabah was completely wiped off the map.
And instead of doing something about it, the genie just does an impression of Jack Nicholson. Alright, Sparky, here's the deal. But by that logic, you should have stopped 9-11 and the holocaust and the Taco Bell nacho rap. You can't put everything on Genie. All I'm saying is that the Genie claims to be Aladdin's buddy, but he's really just biding his time until Aladdin dies. He's an immortal, constantly living every version of reality, just dicking around like some bored, blue Dr. Manhattan. Damn it. I don't really exist.
Oh, is that a thing? Can you talk about that? What if Katie is wrong? Yes. I love that. On board. Conversation adjourned.
History is not an etch-a-sketch, where whole societies can just completely disappear without record, especially if the kingdoms are as big and ornate as Agrabah and as recent as the 1300s. So you're saying it never got wiped off the map. So you're saying Agrabah still exists today.
So you're saying you're a crazy person. Soren, you said that the Genie was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and forced himself into eternal servitude, but what if the opposite is true? He didn't have Stockholm Syndrome and somebody else forced him into servitude? That Soren didn't just say that? He suffered from Bond's home virtue drone. I mean, what if he made everyone else his prisoners? Wilbert, you said it yourself.
The Genie has experienced our present culture, but there's no record of Agrabah in our history books. I submit that the Genie, once freed, used his phenomenal cosmic powers to enchant the whole freaking world into forgetting that Agrabah ever existed so he could keep it to himself for all time. He preserved his pal Aladdin and his gal and their monkey and protected them, safe from the events of history, impossible for anyone from our world to find them. Except for whoever wrote the screenplay for Aladdin, clearly. Presumably, Agrabah still exists in some bubble somewhere outside of space and time. Aladdin and Abu and Jasmine and Birdface, they're just going on adventures, all for the Genie's entertainment, for eternity.
Mind condition, stood in the box, baby! Or it's payback, maybe. Like, you trapped me in a lamp, humans? Did you wrap my lamp? Did you wake me up? Well, guess what? I'm gonna trap all of you forever! King Kong ain't got shit on me!
It's like the dark city of children's cartoons. You guys ever think that maybe we think about movies more than the people who made the movies? Yeah, like maybe we're projecting? Yeah, I think about that.
Right, like the guys who wrote Aladdin maybe wouldn't have if they knew a bunch of assholes were gonna sit around tearing all their choices apart? Well, no matter what, you make some dickheads gonna comment on it. I'm gonna stop making things forever now because of comments. And subscribe, if you want to find out, if you, not find out, you want to tell us what the next episode should be about, write it in the comments.
Don't do that. We're not gonna do that.
The next episode's already written. You don't know what you're doing. We do. We have no power in this situation. Professionals. We know what we're doing.
You are just, you're here to watch it. Thanks for watching! I'm losing to a rug.
So, Aladdin, must actually take place in a distant future where everyone's forgotten how technology works. There was all of human history, right, up to and including Rodney Dangerfield being a relevant pop culture touchstone. Then, some shit went down over the course of 10,000 years that reverted everyone back to square one, where we ride on horseback. Markets boast fresh fish despite clearly being in a desert. Aladdin is set in a post-apocalyptic future, like Blade Runner.
Ooh! Or Revolution. Ew. Okay, that's one super dumb idea.
Aladdin could take place in the 1300s, but the genie exists outside of time. That's why he knows about all of our modern pop culture and technology. I mean, everybody's riding elephants and camels, and the genie knows what cars are. Now, that's somebody that's seen and lived through the future. Okay, well, that's just interesting.
There's nothing dark about what you're saying. Then, obviously, you haven't seen the Aladdin cartoon show. I name-dropped the second direct-to-VHS sequel to the Aladdin franchise seconds into this conversation. How could you possibly think that I am unfamiliar? The three Disney cartoons set after the Aladdin movies took place. It's a normal adventure show, you've got Aladdin, Niago, Jasmine, Abu, and the now free genie just having a different random issue every week, kind of like your standard sitcom.
I know! So?
So, that's proof that Agrabah, the city where all of these events are set, eventually gets destroyed and the genie knows and does nothing about it. Because Agrabah is fictional.
Is it? Was it? Do you?
In the movie, the genie makes all sorts of pop culture references that are real, which means that the genie exists in our world. You know what doesn't exist in our world? Agrabah. Or any historical evidence that it ever existed, which means that sometime between Aladdin and the present, Agrabah was completely wiped off the map.
And instead of doing something about it, the genie just does an impression of Jack Nicholson. Alright, Sparky. Here's the deal. But by that logic, you should have stopped 9-11 and the Holocaust and the Taco Bell nacho rap. You can't put everything on Genie. All I'm saying is that the genie claims to be Aladdin's buddy, but he's really just biding his time until Aladdin dies. He's an immortal, constantly living every version of reality, just dicking around like some bored, blue Dr. Manhattan. Dammit. I already exist.
Oh, is that a thing? Talk about that? What if Katie is wrong? Yes. I love that. On board. Conversation adjourned.
History is not an etch-a-sketch, where whole societies can just completely disappear without record, especially if the kingdoms are as big and ornate as Agrabah and as recent as the 1300s. So you're saying it never got wiped off the map. So you're saying Agrabah still exists today.
So you're saying you're a crazy person. Zordon, you said that the genie was suffering from Stockholm syndrome and forced himself into eternal servitude, but what if the opposite is true? He didn't have Stockholm syndrome and somebody else forced him into servitude? That Zordon didn't just say that? He suffered from Bon's home virtue drone. I mean, what if he made everyone else his prisoners? Wilbert, you said it yourself.
The genie has experienced our present culture, but there's no record of Agrabah in our history books. I submit that the genie, once freed, used his phenomenal cosmic powers to enchant the whole freaking world into forgetting that Agrabah ever existed so he could keep it to himself for all time. He preserved his pal Aladdin and his gal and their monkey and protected them, safe from the events of history. Impossible for anyone from our world to find them. Except for whoever wrote the screenplay for Aladdin, clearly. Presumably, Agrabah still exists in some bubble somewhere outside of space and time and Aladdin and Abu and Jasmine and bird face. They're just going on adventures, all for the genie's entertainment, for eternity, mint condition, stood in the box, baby.
Or its payback, maybe. Like, you trapped me in a lamp, humans? Did you wrap my lamp? Did you wake me up? Well, guess what? I'm going to trap all of you forever.
King Kong ain't got shit on me. It's like the dark city of children's cartoons.
You guys ever think that maybe we think about movies more than the people who made the movies? Yeah, like, maybe we're projecting. Yeah, I think about that.
Right, like, the guys who wrote Aladdin maybe wouldn't have, if they knew a bunch of assholes were going to sit around tearing all their choices apart? Well, no matter what, you make some dickheads going to comment on it. I'm going to stop making things forever now because of comments.
I know what you're doing. Hasn't shown. We're no power in this situation. Professionals, we know what we're showing. You're here to watch it. Thanks for watching. Just action. |
TheOnion | Morbid_Curiosity_Leading_Many_Voters_To_Support_Palin | This is the Onion News Network, keeping you safe from the lies. All right, now let's turn to some political news.
A new poll shows Sarah Palin's presidential prospects are being bolstered by the public's morbid curiosity about a Palin White House. In an Onion News Network survey, 62 percent of Americans said that even though they don't support Sarah Palin's politics, they would consider voting for her out of a perverse desire to see what would happen if she were the president. Joining us now is Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland. So, Jason, are Americans really sickly fascinated enough to propel Sarah Palin into the White House? Well, it's looking possible right now, Brooke. In one sampling, 2,000 lifelong Democrats were asked, what's the worst that could happen if Sarah Palin were elected president?
Don't you kind of want to find out? And more than 80 percent of them responded, God, I'm so sorry, but yes. Yeah, they can't help themselves. Exactly.
Respondents said they also simply needed to know who Palin would put into the Supreme Court, and top guesses there included Fox News personality Greta Van Susteren, cowboy actor Sam Elliott, and Wasilla, Alaska auto mechanic Gary, no last name. Well, Oprah Winfrey actually got the bug as well. Last week on her show, she endorsed Palin and then changed her mind saying it wasn't worth the cost but then changed it back again saying, you only live once.
Yeah, that was some interesting television. She was so exhilarated by that.
Of course, the Republican leaders have already begun to generate campaign materials for the spec of the Palin 2012 run. And just today, Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky made a statement. He said having Palin in office would be like a four-year-long whitewater rafting trip. It might kill us, but if it doesn't, we'll end up with a lot of crazy ass photos. Any response from the Palin team at all?
Yes, actually. Just today, the Indian News Network approached her camp and asked her about her plans for office, and they didn't give us a statement, but they did give us a choose your own adventure book that they've created. You can see in there that she could annex Mexico, change the drinking age to 14, and create a federal mandate for all Americans to learn to skin animals. It's a pretty fun read.
Well, I've never personally been a fan of other powerful women, but I'll be watching.
Thank you, Jason. Thanks for having me. It reminds me of when Lindsey Graham was elected just because everyone in South Carolina thought it would be hilarious. |
TheOnion | Conservatives_Sex_Change_Only_Barrier_Between_Gays_Marriage | Gay marriage is still illegal in most states, but could some homosexuals have found a way around the law? With us now is Missouri Congressman Gerald Isco, co-author of H.R. 328, a bill that would close the so-called gay marriage loophole.
It's good to be here, Teresa. Thanks for having me. Hi, Congressman.
You say that a quick, simple gender reassignment surgery is all it takes for gays to be married under current law. That's right, Teresa. Right now, anywhere across this country, a homosexual can just waltz into a hospital, have their genitals removed or augmented, and waltz out after just a few months of physical therapy, and then get married just like a heterosexual. Now, yesterday, Alabama Governor Robert Riley said that he would sign legislation requiring full-body physicals for all couples before they are married to verify that, quote, their parts are the real deal. I heard him say that, yes, and the Bible says very clearly that marriage is the union between a man and a woman, not a man and a man-woman or a woman with a penis sewn in between her legs. Right.
But since the number of people getting this surgery is still fairly small . . . That's only because the word hasn't spread yet, Teresa.
Right now, we're on the lookout to make sure lesbians and these gays don't get together and enact some sort of penis-vagina exchange program. There's no limit to what they'll do. So how would your bill actually put a stop to this? First, we have to make the existing law clear. Okay. When the Constitution was written, they did know that there would be a machine someday that could just twist off your Johnson and make you a female just like that. And secondly, we'd suspend the medical licenses of surgeons that recruit gay clients, whether through ads in gay periodicals or on gay buses. So we need to draw a clear legal line here. Absolutely, we do. We need to put a mark on the men and women so that we can identify them. Your bill does propose getting this image tattooed on the arms of anyone who receives the surgery. That's right. Homosexuals will do anything to get this wedding certificate, and we've got to stop them. Or before we know it, there will be stores where penises and breasts are sold like pencils, people trading vaginas in the classified ads, rooms full of garish half-human ghouls wearing skin-like masks. We're going to have to leave it there.
Thank you for being here with us, Congressman Isco. Thanks for having me on today. Watch Raw Justice tonight for a related story on how gay men are killing straight women, assuming their identities and stealing their husbands. Coming up, an ordinary fat man eats an extraordinary number of hot dogs. Stay tuned. |
TheOnion | This_Minnesota_State_Museum_s_Final_Offer_To_Owner_Of_Couch_From_Mary_Tyler_Moore_Set | Following several months of negotiations, representatives at the Minnesota State Museum confirmed today that they have extended their final offer to the anonymous owner of the couch from the hit 1970s sitcom, The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Well, it's an incredible piece. We understand the owner has several prospective buyers, but our last counteroffer was extremely attractive. We hope an agreement can be reached soon because after months of back and forth, we just need a straight answer here. Calling it the most significant prospective acquisition the museum has seen in years, Healy noted that the brown velvet artifact would be a welcome addition to its media wing, which boasts a robust collection, including several iconic Minnesota pieces.
We have the fence from Grumpy Old Men. We have the microphone from Prairie Home Companion. We acquired the pock from the Mighty Duck several months ago. Would this be a special addition to our media wing? Yes.
But we're getting a little tired of playing the waiting game. In wait they have. Healy and his team made their first bid in December of 2012 and have cycled through five rounds of negotiations, reportedly tripling their initial offer in an urgent attempt to secure the sale. It's not every day that an artifact of this significance comes on the market and went...
Oh my God, it's him. It's him. Okay. Speak of the devil. Hello, sir.
What if, what if, what would you say if I went up another two? Would that change your mind? |
dropout | hello_my_name_is_hello_my_name_is_executive_from_hell | Hi, welcome to Hello My Name Is. I'm Pat, and here's how the show works.
We put Josh in ridiculous makeup. When we're done, Josh takes a look at himself in the mirror and spontaneously creates a character. Then that character and I sit down for a short interview. Our makeup artist today is Hannah.
Hannah, are you ready? I am. Josh, are you ready? Yeah. Well, I actually work here in Seattle. I know, it's so great to see you.
I'm mostly very strict with my children. The scientists that turn into this. Well, I work for the devil.
Hold on, let me check my Blackberry. Someone just died. You're watching Current. A brief programming note, tonight's guest is running momentarily behind. Sorry I'm late, guys. Oh, okay. Welcome.
Should we start the cameras? Why don't you introduce yourself? I'm Fabian White. I'm the executive director of Hell. Why don't you start by telling us about it. What exactly is it that you do?
Let me just pop off a quick, quick, quick text. You sure?
I'm just putting out a fire. We're starting a fire.
Bernie Madoff's coming and we're gonna quarter him. What you do, I believe that's what we are starting. I started in subhuman resources, making sure everyone was upset and sad. And Lucifer, who's here? Hey, Liz. This fucking guy. He and I just decided, you know, Hell can afford to be rebranded. This gets to our main point.
The 2011 Hell rebranding initiative. What do you think of when you think of Hell? I suppose eternal suffering, torment. We really want to personalize the Hellish experience.
I want to be a walking DMV. I want to be the sound of your daughter falling down the stairs. I want to be the glass that Daniel Stern steps on in Home Alone. I want to be the nail Daniel Stern steps on in Home Alone.
It's a side project. Luce and I have been working on it for a million years. I mean, I've been only around for 15. A million and two, he's saying.
I know what your Hell's gonna be. No, I have kind of like some. I don't want to out you. I know America loves this guy, but I will say that, you know, you ride around enough automobiles with your dad and you're not going to have a great time. That's going to happen again and again.
I want to talk about, I want to move on. Let's talk about.
Come on, dad. Stop. I can't. Got to get to the pizza shop.
I'm sorry. I didn't. I didn't mean to bring you. My hand's not working. Sorry.
Thank you. All right. Let me, I'm going to have to stop you right there. Sure. There's a soul coming in. I'm going to have to do a soul intake. If you just please be patient, it shouldn't be too long at all. Sure. All done. No problem. Whoa.
It was not a good person. Best soul you've ever, you've ever taken in? It all fell there. Give me the, what did it taste like? What? I once had a, an ostrich steak, a strip of bacon on a, a steak of ostrich. Well done. It was delicious. You take that steak, you take a big shit on it and dump it in a vat of rat piss. It couldn't compare to, uh, to the foul, horrid, fuck shit taste, uh, of Hitler's soul.
I have to go. Thank you so much for- Would you mind, would you mind taking a twit pic? Oh, sure. All right. Ready? Okay. One, two, three. See more of the interview at facebook.com slash hello, my name is show. |
dropout | kanye_s_social_media_manager | So psyched for the new album coming out. Now you know how usually when the new album drops we hop back on Twitter and say a bunch of super not woke stuff. How about this time? We just promote the new album and don't say anything.
Cool, I want to say being in danger is a choice. Okay. Humans have the choice to save endangered species. No. Okay, well we can't like chastise say pandas for their threatening extinction. No, being in danger is a good choice.
Tweet it. Okay. How about we think about this for a second? I just Tweet it. Okay. I'm just...
Tweet lifelong fan of Woody Allen. No, you don't want to be associated with Woody Allen right now. I mean, I was a big fan of his movies, but God, even praising his films now doesn't really feel like...
Tweet let me finish. Tweet lifelong fan of Woody Allen's lifestyle choices specifically. What are you expecting? Tweeted it.
Clean water should be earned. Birth of a nation wasn't nearly as good as the original.
Fuck kids. Why are you doing this? You know that feeling when you're suddenly filled with shame by remembering an awkward moment you had three years ago? Yes. I'm addicted to that. RIP. Been lying. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't you dare. Tweeted it. You do. I know you've been dealt a bad hand.
I can't even imagine the amount of pressure that you're under. Why don't we deal with this in a healthy way? Just talk to me. What's bothering you?
I only eat the great part of the salmon.
Why would you do that? Why would you say that? I don't want you to do either of those things.
I just tweeted it. Why? I wiped before I shit. Just stick to the album Kanye and Beggin, yes. I just tweeted it. Tweet.
Donald Trump doesn't care about black people. Oh, that's a good one. I wasn't finished. Donald Trump doesn't care about black people and that's what I like about him. Pitch on that. Let's tweet. Donald Trump doesn't care about black people.
Full stop. Sounds good to me. Okay. Thanks, Kanye. Thank you for being so flexible on this one. No.
I was talking to Kid Rock and Ted Nugent about a new country song we're doing together. Your pitch sucks. Tweeted it. Will you ask Ted Nugent if I could borrow his gun? Hi, I'm Raphael from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun stuff. And if you could just click here, it would really satisfy my OCD.
Thanks a lot. That really hit the spot. |
dropout | ace_and_jocelyn_part_4_j_a_archives | Tell me where ace is quick before I destroy you. What is ace?
Oh god damn it just fucking sick Just say where Jake is Jake is in the kitchen. Oh wow that wasn't too hard was it earth nerd You're lucky this cameras on honestly They say you are what you eat, but in space that but that isn't always it that's whatever. I'm not redoing this Whoa, what's that? Are you sure you should be eating those space Doritos? I don't know if they are they might be poison What trust me ace let's go to the space hospital. Oh My what's wrong ace someone poisoned you We'll find that demon ace Oh, what the fuck did you do man?
It's the last thing I do. I'll find them. I'll find the person that made you sick Just tell me what you put in my food because we might need to go to the hospital There are no hospitals in the future Whatever it is Jocelyn from space and Jocelyn astronaut accountants and they're coming to your face I Think I figured out what the problema was what is it half a bottle of izine and then another bottle of izine God, please, but I'm sure whoever did it feels like shiatsu So you don't have to make them feel any worse whoever it is. I'll find them. That's for sure We're still best friends right always You have to call them on okay fine, but I must warn you the space digits now are 9 1 6 9 1 1 fine chill out such a baby She's answering my friends and astronauts What the fuck is your problem? What did I do to deserve it? |
cracked | weird_how_everyone_president_donald_trump_knows_does_crimes_some_news | Hi, I'm a newsperson and here's some news. Last week we talked about how stories like Uranium One and the DNC partially funding the Steele dossier were created and overblown by right-wing media to distract from the president's actions and perpetual struggle to do the job he didn't want and doesn't like. And days later, the president's former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, and his deputy were indicted by the FBI for felonies, like failing to register as a foreign agent. Something that was also failed to do by the president's former national security advisor, Michael Flynn, but that's from like 12 years ago, so who cares anymore? Anyway, sorry, back to the felonies of the president's former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, who once wrote in a 2005 memo, we are now of the belief that this model can greatly benefit the Putin government if employed at the correct levels with the appropriate commitment to success. And the effort will be offering a great service that can refocus both internally and externally the policies of the Putin government. That guy and his deputy have been charged with failing to register as a foreign agent, making false statements about being a foreign agent, conspiracy to launder money. For example, money laundering. The Trump Taj Mahal Casino broke anti-money laundering rules 106 times in his first year and a half in the early 90s. Or like how Felix Sater, the president's former senior advisor at his company, and a longtime partner on projects like Trump Soho and the guy who wrote to Trump's lawyer, I will get all of Putin's team to buy in on this and we'll make our boy president plead guilty to money laundering in 1998. But anyway, Trump campaign manager, Paul Manafort's, charges conspiracy against the United States, money laundering, tax fraud, show us your taxes, Mr. President, you fucking fraud, and false statements. Like how Donald Trump consistently claims he has nothing to do with Russia, even though each of his dumb adult sons have separately said proudly and out loud that they get most of their money from Russia and even though all of that other stuff I just said. In addition to those stuff I just said, a member of Trump's campaign's foreign policy advisory panel, George Papadopoulos, pled guilty to lying to the FBI about his contacts with the Russian government during the 2016 presidential election.
And here's some news, in regards to all that stuff I just said, the president is fine with it. It's true, here's some news, the president is fine. He's not mad and he doesn't care about any of it. He's so not mad that after reports that he was really mad, he called the New York Times to tell them, hey, I'm not, quote, angry at anybody.
He backed this up by earlier tweeting, sorry, but this is years ago, before Paul Manafort was part of the Trump campaign. But why aren't Crooked Hillary and the Dems the focus? Hammering home that he's not mad by adding five question marks. To the question, why aren't Crooked Hillary, who isn't the president, and the Dems the focus of this? My campaign manager being indicted for many crimes in the investigation of my possible crimes. Also, some of the charges, yes, are before the Trump campaign, but conspiracy against the United States ranges from 2006, a year after Manafort wrote that memo about greatly benefiting the Putin government, to 2017, which is this year. He followed up the five question marks with a tweet starting with four dots, and then, also, there is no collusion. All caps, one exclamation point.
So, like, the president's fine. And the president continued in his I'm not mad call by saying, I'm not under investigation, as you know. To which his chief of staff, John Kelly, replied on Fox News, it is very distracting to the president, as it would be to any citizen, to be investigated for something. Do we have a clip of that? It is very distracting to the president, as it would be to any citizen, to be investigated for something. So, to reiterate, the president is fine, and doing fine.
As Laura Ingraham put it, if you think today is a bad day for Trump, you're living on another planet. Ah. Speaking of Fox News, they are not fine. Calling for Mueller to resign, for Hillary Clinton to go to jail, and, in one case, just going after the judge, asking Paul Manafort judge, who is Deborah A. Robinson? To which the first paragraph answered that she has experienced the criminal justice system firsthand when her son was convicted of dealing heroin. First paragraph, good, not at all, scummy job, Fox News.
Speaking of Fox News, the White House, which also tried to downplay the role of George Papadopoulos, and took a cue from a Trump tweet, few people knew the young, low-level volunteer named George, who has already proven to be a liar. Except, his lie was that his communication with the Russian government occurred before the campaign, and the FBI discovered the truth, which is that they happened during your campaign. So, shut the fuck up, Mr. President. You fucking liar.
Low-level volunteer. This is a common tactic. Anything to downplay these people's roles. Back in the day, Sean Spicer said Michael Flynn was just a volunteer on the Trump campaign despite them being appointed his national security advisor, Sean. He also said Manafort played a minimal role despite being his campaign chairman and manager for many months, and later being indicted for many crimes. Sean. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said of Papadopoulos' role, it was extremely limited. It was a volunteer position. This extremely limited position involved being on Trump's foreign policy team, pictured here with the president, traveling to London to get information about Hillary Clinton and emailing a high-ranking Trump campaign official to discuss Russia's interest in hosting Mr. Trump, have been receiving a lot of calls over the last month about Putin wanting to host him and the team when the time is right.
Another part of Trump's tweet, few people knew George is hard to imagine, considering the president has what the president describes as one of the great memories of all time, or a gamote. One of the great memories of all time.
We have a quick, random example of the president's gamote. I know nothing about David Duke. Well, you've got David Duke just joined, a bigot, a racist. Well, we tried. Unless that's the president using his gamote to remember who David Duke is, remember who his racist base is, and remember to pretend to not know who David Duke is to avoid disavowing him for as long as possible.
And surely Trump's gamote could remember that time he named George Papadopoulos by name when he used his name and said he was an excellent guy. Also, that photo of him. Although, Sarah Huckabee Sanders does point out that the president has thousands of photographs with millions of people. Though she failed to add, and of those millions of people, all of them were on the president's national security team, and all of them went to London to get dirt on the president's opponent, and all of them spent a lot of their time setting up a meeting between the president and the Russian government. And the president doesn't remember those people, even though he has what some dumbest person ever might call.
One of the great memories of all time.
Although, Huckabee Sanders did find the time to spend the week defending the Confederacy and severely downplaying the role of slavery in the Civil War. So, 2017. The final part of the president's tweet about George is that few people knew the young, low-level volunteer named George, who has already proven to be a liar. And so, speaking of the White House, Fox News again, because they saw that word young and they ran with it. And Sean Hannity took the charge saying what? So he lied to the FBI.
He's what, 29? He's a kid. Do we have a, that's not an excuse? The kid was 27 years old. A 29-year-old. This kid, this kid. Yeah, I think he's 29 years old. A 29-year-old guy. 21, 29-year-old, who is he?
I never heard of him. This is a tactic we've already seen by alleged serial sexual assaulter and harasser Bill O'Reilly, who has paid tens of millions of dollars to silence women who have accused him of being a serial sexual assaulter and harasser.
When Jared Kushner was first implicated in meetings with the Russian government for his definitely a criminal father-in-law, O'Reilly's defense was basically, come on, look at this little kid. Hey, you sad that he looks like he's 17 years old, 18? And sure, quick petty joke junction, Jared Kushner looks like Jack Skellington's little brother Todd just made debate team. But he's 36 and in charge of bringing peace to the Middle East.
And you don't have to be older than 29 to know not to lie to the FBI about meeting with the Russian government. And even if that were an excuse for him making criminal mistakes, it doesn't change the implications of him lying to the FBI and then making a deal with them in this investigation. Do we have a clip of implications? It is very distracting to the president as it would be to any citizen to be investigated for something. And another? I have nothing to do with Russia. Uh-huh.
Another really convincing tactic to discredit a Mueller investigation as fake news was pointing out, funny how CNN knew exactly when and where to show up and get this footage of Paul Manafort today. Of all the times, the morning he was supposed to turn himself in, of all places at the FBI building, of all people. President Donald Trump's former campaign manager and money launderer and sayer of, we are now of the belief that this model can greatly benefit the Putin government if employed at the correct levels with the appropriate commitment to success. And the effort will be offering a great service that can refocus both internally and externally the policies of the Putin government.
Of all the those. But here's not some news, but here's the thing. If any of their excuses are true, it's still very bad.
It was just reported that Trump does not recall Papadopoulos's suggestion of meeting with Putin during the presidential campaign despite his motherfucking gimote in his stupid asshole skull. But also, a low-level volunteer that few people knew flew around the globe to set up meetings with foreign governments and you didn't know? Your campaign manager and national security advisor were foreign agents and you didn't know?
You run a shit operation, bro, and maybe you shouldn't be running the country. But let's say he does run a shit operation.
Wild, I know. And let's say he isn't guilty at all. Wild, I know.
He's still acting extremely guilty. In addition to all of that stuff I said this whole time, he also bends over backwards to accommodate Putin's meeting requests. He also keeps delaying Congress-approved Russian sanctions. He also won't criticize Putin even for murder. And he's spending a lot of time downplaying the investigation and these people's roles in his campaign instead of acting like an innocent person and saying, oh wow, I didn't realize all of these people around me were criminals doing crimes. And all of these people around me, the President of the United States, were secretly foreign agents. We should investigate this because that's bad and I'm the innocent president. I think maybe he's actually a little guilty of crimes, the guilty piece of shit. |
cracked | history_s_craziest_president_cracked_fact_from_the_de_textbook | Hello YouTube, thanks for joining me here in sunny Southern, California I'm Daniel O'Brien from crack.com and head writer of the D textbook from cracked, but you can get on Anywhere that books are sold. Hey, I want to tell you something John Quincy Adams was a president and a guy named John Cleves seems junior came to him this crazy guy who was like hey Mr. President, I'm sure you're very busy, but I think the earth is hollow I think I can get to it There's a hole I bet in the North Pole and if you just give me some taxpayer money I want to climb in there and prove that the earth is hollow. Now. This wasn't like Pre Copernicus times or anything. We all knew what the earth was like. We knew it was round We knew where its place was in the solar system We knew better like they were still burning witches at that time But they were like but that guy over there is crazy and I should know I burned witches Everyone thought he was nuts except John Quincy Adams who said not only do I believe you I First of all yes, here's money. Here's taxpayer money I want you Second of all to go down there because I think there are mold people and I want you to trade with them That is what I as if we made this man the motherfucking president and he's like the earth the hollow that sounds good I bet there's mold people you didn't bring that I added that to the conversation and I'm the president I think there's mold people and I want you to trade with them. I want to offer them some Sugar or pants or whatever it is that we think mold people probably want and in exchange have them give us The mold person equivalent of sugar and pants whatever their most valuable commodities are. I'm the president just a quick reminder and Thankfully that never went through Because Andrew Jackson took over the presidency because JQA only had one term Andrew Jackson shut that shit right down not because he thought the idea was crazy, but Because he thought the earth couldn't be hollow because he believed it was flat Which is also insane, but like an insane that was more affordable to the American taxpayer So that was good This is all true and you can find a bunch of other true insane facts about mold people and presidents and pants and the lack thereof in the textbook order it on Amazon or Barnes and Noble or anywhere else books are sold Thank you YouTube. He thought there were moles in the middle of the earth and we made him president and Then we kept hiring him for like he went to Congress after that and we were like that mole thing Don't be that crazy again. Just promise you won't He didn't promise |
dropout | why_girls_are_cold_on_halloween | We are heading up four parties tonight. This Halloween is gonna be epic.
Do you guys think we're gonna get cold? It's impossible to be cold when we look this hot. It's not even that cold, so it's worse.
No, I like this. Hey.
You make a really cute ninja something. You wanna smoke? Outside.
I love Halloween. It's so spooky. The only thing spooky is how hot we look.
Hey. We got ice cold beer right there. Ooh, frozen margaritas over there. And, uh, who's the ice loser? Do you have any, like, hot chocolate? Got it. Who is Erica making out with? Your fur is so warm, I just wanna hollow you out and crawl inside of it. What? The next place is a beer garden on the waterfront. So cool. Well, that was lame.
Okay, I said this party is super exclusive and it's in a hotel. Do you think they'll let me take a bath? Ladies, welcome to the V Hotel. Rooftop. |
dropout | things_you_wish_you_could_say_to_your_roommate | Yo, I was really looking forward to having the apartment to myself I only like sharing food when it's your food if I'm late It's cuz you had the nerve to take a shower not because I just woke up great The sink is full of your dirty dishes now. There's no room for my dirty dishes Your cleaning is distracting hogging the TV is rude unless you're me and watching Friday night lights. You're slowing down my internet Go outside I'm stuck being bored as hell in my room because you have the nerve to entertain guests in our communal space Tell your parents to go away. I want to smoke pot I hate it when you play music because it's your music wake up I want to make noise, but you're asleep, and it's making me feel bad You make me feel bad about myself. Why aren't you home every time I forget my keys? You're not doing anything, but I still have a hard time concentrating when you're here.
I swear to God I must take out the garbage almost half the time I just decided five minutes ago that the apartment should be neater so fuck you for not helping I'm pissed off at you that it's my month to mail the rent because I forgot to buy stamps Oh my god, how hard is it to fill the Brita when you're finished with it? Emailing me about utilities. I get it. I owe you money gross You took a shit in our shared bathroom. I have to wear clothes because of you. |
cracked | 18_most_ridiculous_moments_in_terminator_2 | You guys it's starting They did have to CG out Robert Patrick's dick for this scene really yeah, it's just that big Not my mother Todd so so Jack, I guess you were jealous of John Conner's home. You're new school I don't know what you're talking about So, what do you think doctor? I have shown improvement haven't I? Well, no, you can't stab me.
Yes, she uh Stabbed me in the kneecap with my pen a few weeks ago Remember when that happened, I think this is a good time to bring up how how Robert Patrick prepared for this role He decided that he sees with his ears. So you'll see the way he like cocks his head at times. He's looking with his ears.
Oh Wait, here we go. Yes. Okay.
Here goes the noise he makes Just wait All right, here we see here we see bud McPhee But now just pulled the robot And then Daniel cookie is thrown out of the movie and our hearts for it killed him, right Here's another thing about the terminators being terrible and wasting time They seem to be really preoccupied with getting away with the murder Like Arnold went to the trouble of buying a box of roses to hide his shotgun Well, no, he's just trying to get to the murder. You'll understand this like a few more murders this right here This is a 38 a rifle and two cannons layered on top of each other They wanted the first shot a movie to be really loud get down Pepsi paid for all the placement in this presumably and like the first person we see actually drinking a Pepsi just gets it lit up He looks like What if he tried to make love to that man? Yeah, he just like pins it down She 1000s kind of driving like an asshole. Yeah, he's driving Oh Rad like this effect shot is Disney He had to like stand there with a thing in his mouth for like and he's got the retractable thing on the side of his head So that like wasn't CG. That's really cool And like this is really cool effects for back then too. Oh, yeah, how long was the t1000? You okay, kid take a hike buzzer He's kind of a little shit. Yeah, I mean assault these come why good Samaritan? Yeah, because they came to his age Do the huge Should be strapped in you know, you know, like like 10 o'clock you got to buckle up when you go to bed Make out with her I'll give James Cameron one thing he can really cast guards that we won't care and get murdered It's like he's not a casting cause like I want people who look like the sound Every time you see the Terminator imitating someone else they actually cast twins So he had to find someone who looked like that and had twin. Yeah, he had to find two men Friday If you're just now joining us Arnold has just blown out the kneecaps of a 58 year old guard He is a man may never walk again, and that's assuming he doesn't bleed to death right here. Yeah, but he was all visiting hours Listen You know what you're doing.
I have detailed files on human anatomy. I have 3,000 pages on butts.
I Don't know I'm really knowledgeable about that just an ocean of knowledge about but This is the inspiration for twins. He's like such a good movie. I need to know how Skynet gets built Who's responsible? The main most directly responsible is miles Bennett Dyson Director of special projects inside the 10 Systems Corporation Cyberdyne sounds like a sugar-free gum to me if you guys want to also be eating pizza order it from Domino's com We're getting paid to say that no, but oh I am It's when they fly the helicopter under the overpass, they really flew a helicopter under the over I wonder how many times they got that wrong What is this third arm? Oh my god?
I've always wanted one of those he has a third arm Hold him the yoke while he's yeah, wait a minute. Wait a minute who now Thousand thousand third arm right now. He grew a third arm with his metal power.
That's such a great skill. This is so awesome. That is so cool Joining us he just fired in the automatic weapon into the Right in my lightning So it turns out that's just like a terminator orgasm He just came so hard blasted a hole through his terminators come lightning That is kind of sweet though. Like his last thought was the manic you cry when you really have to go to the bathroom You're just joining us |
dropout | president_hasn_t_seen_rocky_ft_patrick_warburton | China's economy has officially surpassed ours, but that does not mean that it's over. Let us use this to motivate ourselves. We can build an even stronger economy despite looking like the underdog. We can beat China.
Any questions? Are you saying we're like Rocky, Mr. President? I've never seen Rocky, but I can assure you that the millions of people currently facing unemployment will one day work again. You're joking, right?
Everyone's seen Rocky. I'm aware of the film. I just haven't gotten around to it yet. Now with the staggering 15% of the population homeless, how have you not seen Rocky? It's on TV all the time. I've seen parts of it. I just haven't gotten around to seeing the whole movie. I mean, I think I get the gist of it.
No. I'm sorry.
You have to watch it tonight. I mean, it's on instant. This movie will change your life. Jim. I mean, how good is this scene where Rocky is one of the stairs, huh? I mean, every time I see it, it makes me want to start working out.
Okay. That's all. Settle down. Don't want to ruin it for me. Wait a minute.
You have seen that scene, right? I mean, everyone's seen that scene. Everybody's seen it.
I didn't know it was from Rocky. How are you president and you haven't seen Rocky? See, I just never got around to seeing it in theaters, and I never rented it. Soup kitchens are being closed at a rapid- Any real American would have seen Rocky by now.
Let's focus up here. I mean, it's won an Academy Award. I've seen every movie that's won an Academy Award. No, but I've seen the ones that count like Rocky and the Godfather. Yeah. Please tell me you've seen the Godfather.
A recent poll has revealed that a majority of Americans are starving. That is fucked up.
How have you not seen the Godfather? Come on! Listen, I love movies, but being president does keep me busy. Please don't forget I am leader of the free world.
What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
I think that we should all get back on track. Oh, come on. Answer the man's question. I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry. Okay, okay, you know what? I will take time out of my busy schedule to go watch Rocky. Would that make you happy? Yeah. You should do that. Y'all built it up too much. It was okay. What?
There is apple in it! Are we going to argue that Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls was not a better picture than Raiders of the Lost Ark? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_18_7_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Okay, welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin. The day is Thursday the 18th of July, coming out of our town's famous Baxter Boots studio in Daru Street, downtown Batutah. You're joined here today, of course, by Clancy Overill, myself, editor of the Batutah Advocate.
Well, let's kick off with national news then, and the Uluru debate's been playing out this week in the news. One of the big stories we broke on that issue was, refugees won't respect our culture, says puffing talkback radio listener Halfway Up Uluru. It's always the talkback listeners, isn't it? Yes, yes, it's interesting that this has become such a fierce debate, particularly when we talk about the Aboriginal people from the area and their claims to the sacred site and the religious spiritual aspect of it. Doesn't sound like they'll be covered under these new Israel Folau laws though, does it Wendell? No, I don't think so. And it looks like the Today Show and Sunrise's favourite Indigenous terrorism and ethnic affairs correspondent Pauline Hanson certainly isn't happy about the impending ban, is she? No, no, we wrote another one about Pauline during a live cross to the Today Show on Tuesday, I believe it was, and it was clear to us that every time Pauline said Airs Rock instead of Uluru, her pupils did dilate.
It almost looked like a youth music festival goer during the Carl Williams era. Well, we all live in hope that both Sunrise and the Today Show will hire some producers that aren't racist one day. We do live in hope.
Heading offshore now, and we covered an Australian asserting her authority overseas by reminding the host country that their coffee sucks. It is definitely a trait of Australians overseas to kind of peacock a little bit about how they find the coffee quite shit in their host country. Yeah, I'll tell you what, there is one very popular place where Australians like to migrate to that has a Pauline coffee in always will, and that's London.
You know, it is Europe's worst city, it's the most overrated city in the world. And I can't help but feel sorry for the people who live there. It's interesting that, you know, you'd say that about London, Errol, because as we know, Canberra, capital of Australia, is one of the worst cities in Australia, and London as the capital of Europe is actually the worst city in Europe.
So maybe it says something about the Canberra bubble, the London bubble. Maybe that actually affects the quality of life. Anyway, moving on Wendell.
Back home in town now, and we wrote a nice little story about a loved up young couple this week. Ecstatic woman had no idea partner would propose with ring she chose on weekend she suggested. Yeah, so I've heard the over the moon young lady said the special moment was exactly how she had imagined it, funnily enough, how she imagined it, and I dare say how she had planned it. Because as we know, you don't just pop the question in this day and age and any man who tells you that they surprised their partner by proposing is a liar, because it is usually dictated by the bride to be anyone who says otherwise is living in a little fantasy land. The groom to be said he was impressed at how surprised his partner looked, especially given that they'd been at a jewellery shop the week before and she pointed to the ring she wanted and had pointed out that a weekend at Bermagui that was coming up might be the right time to do it. And good luck to that young couple. We did have a commenter from town, Adam de Corrado comment on that story, actually, and he wished our young local couple well and said that he hoped that they didn't have to say for four and a half years for the wedding that they or she deserves. In other local news around town now, though, and we wrote about a local chippy.
And that story was I have a headache, says mate who drinks 1.25 litres of coke every smoker that poor bastards pancreas would be blowing a lot of blue smoke. Yeah, I dare say that would be the case in the young fellow often asked if anyone has any pan at all because he's got a headache. But it's hard to know where that comes from. It could be the stress. It could be the stagnating wages in the construction sector, but it also could be the 1.25 litres of Coca Cola, which we actually now know because I've tried to change Coca Cola so many times I've had Coke Zero, they've had Diet Coke, they've had Coke Cherry, they've had Coke Lime, they actually had new Coke for a little while. No one really knows why they even bother changing it because the ideal Coca Cola, of course, is the natural flavour, which is just black chemicals. And he seems to be a big fan of 1.25 litres every smoker. Back in my day, you get 800ml between the family and that was a treat.
And on the sports front now, rugby league icon Phil Gus Gould has announced plans that could shake up the greatest game of all. He visited Rome this week to discuss moving origin to the only place fitting for this gladiatorial spectacle, the Colosseum. Yes, armed with a suitcase of chocolate and strawberry oak, Gus Gould said he simply had to head to Europe to check out a new venue, a more fitting venue for the 2020 state of origin series, because as we know, not since the days of gladiatorial combat in Rome have we seen a competition so fierce. He really is one of the greatest minds in rugby league, isn't he? I mean, I can only hope that he too donates his brain to science when he expires so we can have a look around and see what makes him so special. He's a visionary, he's a rugby league genius and we don't say that lightly because there'd only be about 13 or 14 rugby league geniuses, I think, have played NRL and are currently contracted to either Channel 9 or Foxtel. But Gus Gould definitely is one of them. And he said it was only right for the most awe-inspiring, spine-tingling at times, horrific but necessarily violent game that is state of origin football to be held at the spiritual home of blood sports. He thinks he might have gotten the deal over the line. Yeah, we've been informed that those plans are looking more and more likely with the Coliseum Trust confirming that they could easily roll out turf and rig up $8 mid-strength beer stalls in a couple of weeks leading up to the first game.
So we'll try and keep you updated on how that unfolds. All right. I think that that's over this week, isn't it? That's all I've got here. So thank you for tuning in once again to the Batutah Advocates weekly news bulletin and join us again next week as we bring you all of the latest in hard-hitting and honest regional news. Until then, I'm Wendell Hussey. I'm Clads Iora. We'll see you on Monday for our Batutah Radio Hour. And I'm Errol Park.
Stay out of the pokies and don't talk to the cops without a lawyer present because they're out to destroy your life. |
SaturdayNightLive | monologue_will_ferrell_s_mother_s_day_tribute_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Will Harrow! you don't know what you said, but I hope it's positive. Thank you so much. it's very exciting to be back home at Snl in New York City. New York City. City by the Bay. it's especially exciting, because in about 23 minutes here, it will be Mother's Day.
And I know what I'm about to say might stir up a little controversy, but here goes. I love my Mom. There. there you go, Tmz. that one's for you. And guess what? my Mom is actually here with me tonight. Now, I'm not so great with words. other people write a lot of what I say. And Mom, I don't know if you remember last Thanksgiving, when I gave that dramatic speech about Cousin Paul, and you said it, saved the family and brought us all together. that was scripted. there was literally a team of writers in the kitchen feeding me lines through an earpiece, and I feel horrible about it. So tonight, for the first time, I'm going to speak straight from my heart. Okay? okay. no script. no cue cards. just love for my Mom.
So wally, lower the cards. go ahead. Well, yes. lower the. No, wait. this is so damn scary. Yeah, lower the cards. Yeah, lower the cards. it's fine.
Yeah. tonight, I tell my mother I love her with my own words. Mom, the words I am saying now are my words. from my brain place. to my mouth hole. Mom, I have love. I love the way you be. you be a big old mommy.
No, wait. you went into a hospital building, right? a long time ago, and strange men pulled me out of your lady parts. Wait, that was bad. that's bad. that's bad. God, why is this so hard? Is it the piano? it's the piano, isn't it? the piano player is awful. I'm sorry about that, Mom. he's terrible. you know what?
I'm just gonna think about all the things you did for me. mom person. you made milk for me. like the lady from the cover of the Time magazine. Mom, what I'm trying to say is, I want to celebrate you. there. that's what I'm trying to say. I want to cover you in super glue. and roll you in flowers? that's not bad, right?
Okay, I got it. Wait, wait, this is perfect. if you were attacked by a dozen ninjas wearing crotchless panties, I would fight them. I would fight them hard. There, I did it. the perfect Mother's Day speech. Perfect. That was not easy. that was very hard. that was very hard.
But I want to say one last thing, Mom. I love you so much. Happy Mother's Day. thank you. I love you too. have a great show. Oscar is here, so stick around. we'll be right back. |
dropout | x_treme_planking | Yeah, you know, there's a lot of poser Plankers out there that want to dress like us. They want to act like us, but we just do it for the love of lying across shit, man.
There's just this moment, this out-of-body experience when you're face down, and it's unlike anything I've ever experienced, including fingering Beth Kalicki. You didn't finger Beth Kalicki. Yo, I was trying to pull a triple Vanderbeek on that bench over there, and I fucking wiped out.
That's it. Hard. Ooh. Nice. Not.
Whoa! Ooh! Ow!
Did you cry, man? No. Guys, I get it. You know, I used to plank when I was a kid. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Get it. You used to plank? Yeah, I did. What happened, man? Dude, you guys hit this right now, and we'll leave.
Come here.
Try not to break your bone or whatever. All right. Oh, shit, he's doing it. Whoa! There we go. He's out to leave, dude. You're the best, dude. Yeah, yeah.
Yo, looks turn the camera off, man. Turn off the case.
He's kidding, he's kidding. No, I'm just kidding. He's so freaking kidding.
What? Oh. Ow! Whoa. Oh. Wow. Oh. |
dropout | what_we_think_people_think_about_us_but_we_re_wrong | Sorry. If that woman could read my thoughts, she'd know I deserved to step it back down. I killed someone yesterday. Hi there. Do you have a moment for reproduction? No. Right? I get it. She's too busy to care.
And that's sexy. Sexy?
Is that farted garbage? I probably farted and didn't even know that.
That girl is hot. Cool hair. Cool face. Cool scarf. Cool! Cool.
If only I were as comfortable in my skin as that woman. Time to stop living this lie, and have a burger burger burger. French, French, French, French love love love. Friends, love, love, love, I'm insecure and need to be seen in public with this handsome man for any sense of validation. No boyfriend?
So that's what a feminist looks like. Babies always cry when they see a genius. Basic bitch, basic bitch, basic bitch, basic...
Wait! I submit, I submit. I am being dog whispered so hard right now. This woman is beautiful, mysterious, intelligent, deep, beguiling, a fearless alpha, and I, and I, and I, and I, want to have sex with her. And I want to have sex with all of you!
Okay. Oh, um, no thanks. OMG, that guy can see right through me. I can never handle that big D. Okay, whatever. |
cracked | why_quidditch_is_the_worst_game_ever_invented_today_s_topic | You going to the Quidditch match tonight? What the hell would I want to do that? Town pride. Athletes on brooms. Bludgers. That's a thing. Quidditch is bullsh**.
It's a fad. Everyone's going to get over it once they see you through the flares and hippogriffs. You mean the excitement and almost superhuman magicianship. Excitement? 99 times out of 99 and a half times the winners win because their seeker grabs the golden snitch for 15 goals automatically ending the game. Maybe you don't get it. It's like if basketball had two side players and they were going to climb a rope and the first climber to get to the top of the rope ends the game and gets their team 50 points. That sounds really dumb when I say it out loud. Exactly. It's pointless no matter how many points you get. It doesn't matter. I don't need three different types of ball or some arbitrarily complex system of scoring because flying on brooms is already cool.
Start your own sport then. Call it better ball. Build a stadium. Get some teams. Start your own team. Win some games. Take down your league from the inside.
Get disgraced. Have nowhere to go.
Join a quidditch team. Start liking quidditch.
Never!
Again, regardless of the lack of excitement about the score, you have to admire the almost superhuman magicianship. What good is magicianship if you can't even do magic? I'm sure they're flying on brooms and that's cool.
Where are the spells? Where are the charms?
Use every part of the animal. That's what football players do. Use every part of the animal. Real athletes don't hold anything back. They got strength, they got speed, they got IQ and they use it baby. They use all of it. If I'm a football player who can jump over other football players, I'm not gonna hold that back.
These kids have magic. They should be free to use all their magic. All their magic. You just want them to like kids like 11 and up to just do some Avada Kedavra stuff. Just a pile of dead kids on the field. I don't want them to use lethal spells, obviously, the same reason that I don't want my football players to strangle other football players to death. Just use the harmless ones.
Expellarmus. Expellarmus?
I want you in American public wizard school. Man, give me a break. Okay, and I admit that would be really cool. You got players falling off brooms, using Achi-O to get the brooms back, or doing like the spell that you do to not die when you fall. Or the stadium can cast magic, the ground is trampolines now. Classic spell. It's insane to me that we only have Quidditch. What? The world has 7s and 10s of god damn sports. It wouldn't even be that hard to port some over. I'll start.
Football on brooms. Basketball on brooms. Shuffleboard on brooms. With brooms. Brooms on brooms, dawg, you shittin' me?
Wow, I am really glad that I am Muggle-born. It makes you appreciate the little things, you know? Like what?
Like motherfucking cooping magic, you privileged so-and-so. Oh, whoa, whoa, just because I was born in the wizard world to wizard parents doesn't mean I'm some aristocrat. Parents, salt of the earth people. Salt that they created with magic. You can't be poor as a wizard. Going to any school with magic is just cheating. It's so cool and easy, and you can cheat with magic.
That's it.
You're gonna go to the Quidditch mess with me because I made you appreciate the little things. No, I'm gonna come to the Quidditch mess with you because you reminded me about cheating and how easy it is. Because of all this magic I have. I'm gonna go to the Quidditch match, place bets on the outcome, and then win those bets. Because I'm gonna cheat with magic for money that I'm gonna turn into beer and drugs.
Hi, thanks for watching that video. Please don't subscribe because apparently if we get too many subscribers I have to take my shirt off. I thought it was a joke but apparently they're completely serious. Take off your shirt, sword. I don't, I don't want to take my shirt off, I'm a human being. We need the numbers, you show them the, you take off that shirt. |
SaturdayNightLive | michael_keaton_needs_cue_cards_snl | Hey, Ed. how you doing? Ok, man. how you feeling? Well, I feel ok, you know. I'm nervous, but I'm up for it. Hello, man. you'd be all right. as long as you know the script, when you go out there, you'd be fine, man.
All right. yes, sir. good thing there are going to be cue cards. Yeah, it's cue cards, and I don't like to use them.
I like to memorize my stuff. the audience appreciates them all, and they know it. didn't you memorize your stuff when you did night shift? Well, yeah, but I mean, I didn't always have time. Two minutes, two minutes to air.
Oh, by the way, Al, a cue card guy, just got taken to the hospital. really? the plug room. Oh, man. Pellegra. Oh, that's a shame, man. who's going to do cue cards? Nobody. they quarantine the cue cards, too. Two minutes. Ed, did you hear what he just said? They quarantine the cue cards. I got no cue cards, man. what am I going to do? you're going to do a show, man. that's what you're going to do.
We got no cue cards!
Oh, that's marvelous.
I find them so distracting anyway, don't you? I hate them too.
I want to introduce you guys. Wait, this is Max. we don't have any Cue Cards. we're doing the show on two floors. I got to go from the eighth to the third. Many and a half, many and a half.
Oh, by the way, the elevator's around. you'll have to take the alternate work of this video by the stairway. All right, Joe. thanks, Joe. what on the route? Oh, it's quite simple. all you just do is go down the hall, take the fourth door on the left, take the stairs to the service core, and catch the freight lift up to 11. Then you transfer to the fire stairs, go to the fifth floor where you see a little man named Herman.
I better give him a little bit of money. Money, okay. he will take you through the commissary, you go through the kitchen, make a left at the bacon, and there you are, Studio 3a. Wait a minute.
I get down to the fourth floor. I get on an elevator.
I see a guy named Herman. I gave him some money. I can't believe this.
Standards. Just cut the following sketches, all right?
Wiener Water, Best Truman in Hell. I was a G-spot for the Fbi, and I was in all of them.
What are you gonna do? Hey, have a good show. get out of the kitchen. what are we gonna do? hey man, what's this weed business, man? you're the host. you're the one that's gonna look bad, not me. I would suggest rapid improvisation. Yes, good luck. on stage, 10 seconds, on stage. Okay, all right, I'll improvise. Okay, uh, okay, all right. all right, wait. yeah, you work on that. |
cracked | ant_man_trailer_cracked_responds | Hey guys, I know you're clearly already next to me, but come here. Look at this The trailer for Ant-Man. Thanks, Soren. What's Ant-Man up to? Marvel's next phase of superheroes So the story is that he has a suit that makes that he can shrink and he could also communicate with ants And he gets like the proportionate strength of ants But ants are not that strong. I mean I know that they can like lift a pebble or whatever I think I need to watch this trailer. Soren. But like when ants are running around and I squash him like I'm real good at it You asked me to watch this trailer. Can we just watch the trailer? It's from a movie called Ant-Man. There's not a lot of ketchup that needs to be done But sometimes he's big and sometimes he's little. Right, like ants.
Wait, what kind of prison is that? He's got I think 45 monitors. That was Michael Douglas's home. He's got he's the one with the monitor.
Oh, this is like splinter. Yeah, okay Absolutely. My days of breaking into places and stealing stuff I opened clearly an apartment window into a room that I just stacks of money. Yeah in like these boxes Like the money is like, oh don't let the money To become a hero Now this suit has power Is that in his car? How are four ants in your car? That is. Ants don't do that Ants just why do the ants spin that penny? Coin It sounds like he invented the suit Corey Stoll invented the suit Oh and then now Paul Rudd is taking it Kate Beckinsale created it Evangeline Lilly that woman Created it you show me how to punch show me how to punch. Oh, right.
That's how you punch Why didn't you knock him down? He should know she knows that a punch from all those vampire movies She did.
How does he have carabiners that are that small as well? He keeps jumping like easily that distance down What is he he's yellowjacket? Oh Yellow jackets and ants are natural animals horse Did you think you why doesn't he have these you sir?
Yeah, he's totally clearly picked Ironman rules, I think it's so weird that they're both in the day like in a park talking to each other in their suits Why aren't they small don't stay big almost always big? See he's see he's big and he's winning. Yeah now when a man small can he just be squished? Yes, I think so. So why why why are they fighting here?
I'll meet you midnight in my voice Look, I'm on babysitting doing tonight, so I can't just go It's fine. I will watch this movie. I will absolutely watch this movie if it's there at one point.
It just goes Okay, so we've seen the trailer based on this sore and what do you think this movies about Wow, okay So there's a man who's part ant. I'm gonna stop you Part ant he fights a man who's part wasp part wasp guy clearly has more technology at his fingertips because he's got lasers on his suit yellow jacket and But ant man has the luxury of getting very small and and hanging out with ants who spin pennies. Yeah And so I call I'd call that a luxury This is gonna take place in the exact same Marvel Universe as all of the other movies that exist right now I don't imagine ant-man gets a ton of calls when there's a problem, right? I feel like they're gonna like so just go they're gonna let just float off into the sea because yeah, well I want a spin-off that is just ant-man and Hawkeye not getting phone calls See there's a bunch of Ultron's going around and like they'll call us. I'm sure any minute Yeah Well, let's just hang out here I don't want to go home because it's weird cell service area I would have hoped that the people who made this movie would have at least watched a couple documentaries about insects first Yeah, because there's some factual inaccuracies here that I'd like to address. They could have called me. I know quite a bit about ants. That's great Hey everyone, thank you so much for watching our video about ant-man Please comment about what you think we got wrong about either ants or about the Marvel property Also, we're super excited to let you know that Cracked is nominated for a webby in the category of best humor site You can vote for us to get the people's voice award in the description below.
Please vote. Thanks But I have nothing |
dropout | Who_Threw_Pretzels_at_a_Couple_Having_Sex_Dirty_Laundry_Full_Episode | There are some secrets we take to the grave and others we plaster online for last. This is Dirty Laundry and I'm your host, Lily Du.
What's up? Wow. It's fins up, guys, so my ferret head's out there.
Yeah, are you sorry that you're not margarita? No, that's all right. Yeah, that's all right. I'll be honest with you, I don't know who that is.
Jimmy Buffett? Pat Benatar? What? You think Pat Benatar's thing is that she's really into margaritas? Who said Pat Benatar? Who's Pat Benatar? Why did you say Pat Benatar? You brought a Pat Benatar. I don't know who that guy is. Okay, you're obsessed with Pat Benatar.
We just got started. Let me explain the rules of the show. This is the kind of episode you're in for, baby. Lock in. Here's how the game works.
I have this stack of secrets about our guests, and they have to guess who each secret belongs to, but we might have been naughty and thrown in a secret from me or Grant. Not that we have many secrets left.
Hey, Grant, what's today's special? Lily, today we're drinking a Grant Likes to Smoke.
That's not a real drink. No, someone invented it. Someone handsome.
Here's how scoring works. You get one point every time you guess correctly, but if it's your own secret and you manage to fool everyone, that is three points.
How well do you think you all know each other? Uh-oh. Unfortunately, pretty well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're just talking about this, I think we've actually all known each other for 10 years. Yes.
Alec came dressed as the bad boy of this cast, so. What about me? I look bad. Bad?
First secret. I'm gonna have another drink. Who got out of a test by throwing their teacher a quinceanera? What? That could be any of us.
I don't know a ton about a quinceanera, but is it traditionally for someone who's- A 16th? 15th. 15th, quinceanera.
Yeah, yeah. What's 69 in Spanish? Uh, nueve y seis.
I vote for Ali. Ali.
That is not- It's not. It's not.
Even Ali said nine and six. It's our say. When it is nueve, I said that can't be right. It's the cente. It's the cente y nueve. Y nueve.
I vote for Patrick.
No, that's not right. You say it. Me, I took French. But why do you think 69 is the indicator if somebody did this? Because you know a number that's big enough. Wait, did they say, was it a Spanish teacher or- No, it could be a math teacher. Okay. We're off to a cheesy start. So I wonder why you care about math so much. Divide 69 by nine. I will say you came out of here pretty hot with the pop quiz. I think that was deflecting. I think it's you. And who would easily throw a quinceanera? Yeah. What? You have all the stuff in your car. The organization, the poise. Your Spanish heritage. That's not true. Here's something. Throwing out a new clue into the room. Patrick's from Texas.
Does anyone else feel so uncomfortable in their pants? Like their pants. No, we didn't put them on straight out of the washer, Katie. Katie, you're rock hard right now. We all have on the same pair of pants. Katie is rock hard. Why did they give these to me? It does look like you're trying to hide a bar. Those aren't your pants.
All right, let's get our guesses in. Zach, who got out of a test by throwing their teacher a quinceanera? Patrick. Allie, who do you think? I was really leaning towards Katie, but mostly because that's really funny to me. Well, Katie's very suspicious right now. She has a lot to hide. I also guessed Patrick. Katie, who do you think?
I'm gonna throw, I'm gonna throw in the towel. No, I don't know what that means.
You quitting? You quit the game?
We're on question one. I don't know why you said that. I can't take it anymore, man. I'm not gonna. Guess. I'm throwing in the towel. I'm gonna say Patrick. What? I'm throwing in the towel. Patrick.
Patrick, who do you think got out of a test by throwing their teacher a quinceanera? I think it's to send to Katie over here. Will the person who got out of a test by throwing their teacher a quinceanera please take a sip of their drink? Look at Texas over here.
I knew it. Wow. Tell us the story. Okay, so I was in a class. I don't know, should I say the teacher's name? I'll say it now.
Okay, her name was, well, unfortunately her name was Senor Lucky. Lucky?
And she had the worst group of kids in the class. It was me and some other people that kind of, we were bad kids. I think everyone has a class where you just decide to be a group of bad kids.
All throughout the day, you're really good. An angel. Yes, we were. But in Spanish, I'm a little devil.
There would be times where I'd come into class early where she was like outside and I would hide under a bean bag, like in the table. And then I'd hide there for about 40 minutes and I'd get up and I'd just go sit down and she'd be like, what are you doing? You haven't- 40 minutes? I've been there for a long time.
And she had told us earlier in the year that she'd never had a quinceanera. And so this girl Priscilla in the class was like, oh, I have a crown for my quinceanera. And we're like, we'll all bring snacks and we'll bring music and we'll throw a quinceanera.
And so she thinks it's really sweet, but we're doing it so we don't have to take a test. I love that. But it is sweet. Yeah, and she said it's really sweet. She said you've made an old woman very happy. She said it was really sweet. That's so nice.
Honestly, it was a tell that you could say 69 in Spanish. Katie was right. I was right. I'm good at this game. Remember that. Katie, your pants are perfect.
The problem is Katie has thrown in the towel so she's not on the plane. Yeah, Katie's thrown in the towel. Katie stuffed the towel down her front.
Stop it.
All right, that's points for everyone except for Patrick. You guys are good. Next question. Who copied someone's outfit head to toe in an effort to look cool? Oh my God. We've all done this. Every single person does this. No, my outfits are perfect.
Do you think it's someone they know? I think it has to be someone you know, right? Rather than like a famous person.
Yeah, yeah, because that is actually everyone's done that. It just says someone's outfit head to toe in order to look cool. My heart immediately told me, Katie, but then you said everyone's done that. I think it's you. Who did I copy this outfit from? Well, Katie clearly copied your bad boy outfit.
What was that, Zach?
Katie clearly copied your bad boy outfit. Yeah, yeah. It happened today.
Bad boy. Bad boy best. Two bad boys.
I could see it being Zach. I think it's this count, for sure.
I definitely would have done this, but I did not do this and say it was a story. Yeah. You mean this is a story? That's right. That's what I did. I agree.
So that's the big thing that if we're talking about this, somebody who is like, I am so weird. Who went to the grocery store without a list? How did you all dress as kids? I had a shirt that I wore to my first ever concert, which was a joint concert between Gavin DeGraw and Akon, and it was the craziest thing I've ever been to. Did they duet? I wore a shirt that had a floppy disk on it, and it said, who you calling floppy? Oh.
That's great to see. I think I have that photo. I can see it. I don't know if you can do this, but just put it right here in that photo.
Put it next to Zach. For the rest of the show. If I was Akon, I would have spotted you out in the crowd, and I said, come on. Yes. Come on up. Who you calling floppy is like an E-deed. All right, let's get our final guesses in. Patrick, who copied someone's outfit head to toe in an effort to look cool?
I think it's Grant. Katie. Grant. Allie. Grant. Zach. Grant.
Will this outfit copier please take a sip of their drink? It was me. No. Just as they're dressed cool now. You're missing so much info from this story. Let me just say, it was at a college debate tournament. I was just recently realizing I was gay. There was an extremely hot, extremely smart person who lived in like, was like from the school in Flagstaff or something.
You did clubs in college? Yes, I did a lot of clubs.
Okay, Katie's taking back the bad boys. Yeah, exactly. Okay.
And I copied her whole outfit, which was a striped white and blue button-up shirt with a green sweater over it that had a V-neck, a black skirt, black tights, and black flats. And then I came back for the next debate tournament not realizing you go with all the same schools for the entire season. And she was wearing the same outfit again. And I was wearing the same outfit.
And we walked by each other and she kind of like looked at me. And if I had done nothing with my face, she would have had no idea. But instead my whole face contorted and I went, oh, no way. I went, oh, and then walked really, really fast. And yeah, we never talked and yeah.
I mean, there's a world where you could have played it off like it was a mind fuck for the debate. Or a beautiful coincidence that you fell in love. You could have probably hooked up if you'd played it right. So much was happening for me.
I was like, she's here. She's wearing it again. I'm wearing it.
You could have pretended to be a mirror if you just started. All right, that's three points to Allie. Honestly, when we were this far, I almost went me. So I would have gotten another three points. No, you would have lost your three points. You do not get three points for guessing yourself correctly when you know it's your own secret.
Why would we let you do that? Now you know. There are a lot of people at home who are wondering. All right, everyone, next secret. Who threw pretzels at a couple having sex? You're going to do mine back to back.
Zach. Zach!
This does sound like a college party situation. Interesting. Are people just having sex at your college parties? Well, what if you're at a bad, what if you're at the worst party you've ever been to and there's people having sex and you're eating and you're like, stop it! Sounds like a good party to me. It's a house party and it's like your room. Yeah. Maybe it's one of Grant's sex parties. Maybe it's a sex party.
What's a snack bar? I can see Grant doing it for like, because everybody likes that. Throw the pretzels. Oh, a sex thing? Throw the pretzels please.
Red to filth. I have been red to filth. Stop having sex.
I think it actually might be Katie because it feels like Katie could be walking with all of her Chicago friends around.
Pretzels. Pretzel City. They call it Pretzel City. Pretzel City, that's Chicago. I'm picturing the person being drunk throwing the pretzels.
They're like, this is going to be so funny. They're like, this is so funny.
So that's telling me either Katie or Zach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that is a gear that I operate in. Let's get those guesses in. Katie, who do you think threw pretzels at a couple having sex? I'll vote Zach. Zach, who do you think? I think Katie. Patrick? I'm going to say Katie. Allie? Zach. Will this pretzel thrower please take a sip of their drink? It was me.
No! But it's not the story you think.
So when I was a small child, around seven years old, me and my brothers were at Navy Pier in Chicago and my brothers, yes, Chicago. Trash city. It's a Chicago shit.
And my brothers, my brothers went into the bathroom at Navy Pier and there was a couple having sex in there. They come out. My parents were nowhere to be seen. We were not being watched a lot at this time. And we were wild. So I go in with my brothers to the boys' bathroom. I thought they left the bathroom. No, your brothers left the bathroom. My brothers left to come get me because I was outside. We all reentered.
Katie, you've got to come see this. It's Katie. Literally, it was Zach. I don't know what's happening.
I was like maybe seven. So my oldest brother was, what's seven plus five? 12. 12. And then my other brother, what's seven plus three? 10.
How big is this bathroom? It was a stall. They were in a stall. It was like three stalls maybe.
And they were in one of them. And so my brothers just happened to go in at that time. You were throwing pretzels from under or above? Both. From under, that's just sliding them a snack. Goodbye. Did they notice? Of course.
I think it was funny. I think they were just having fun. We were all kind of laughing together. Oh, goodie, I'm glad you all had a laugh.
What a waste of pretzels.
All right, that points to Patrick and Zach. How does that feel? I feel vindicated. Let's move on to the next secret. Which one of you had to pretend not to know their friend for three days? That feels like Zach. Zach. Oh my God, that's such a Zach. It was like something I would do. Why do you say that every time? Why does it feel like Zach?
I feel like I don't like to make people uncomfortable. I could see that being me. Like someone could float you this plane and you'd be like, I'll do it. And they're like, okay. Well, I also think that all of us ended up in LA and we have the friends that we have now because we were the one person in the friend group that everyone took advantage of.
Yes, yes, the context is very vague. Who had to pretend not to know their friend for three days? It could be just... For three days, why would that be significant? Zach, can you explain this one a little bit? Yeah, maybe tell us why this happened to you. I would have to assume it's a trip. All right, let's get our guesses in. Ali, who do you think pretended not to know their friend for three days?
Zach. Zach, who do you think? I think it was Patrick. Patrick, who do you think? I think it was Zach. Katie, who do you think? I'll go Zach.
Will the person who had to pretend not to know their friend for three days please take a sip of their drink? Hey, you guys. I was... So I, you know, recently moved to LA, didn't know a ton of people, and it was rare for people from Alabama to be anywhere nearby.
And a friend I had from growing up happened to have this weird job where she was giving kind of West Coast tours, taking van tours to the Grand Canyon and all other stuff on the West Coast. And she happened to be in LA when I just finished a job, and she was just like, hey, do you wanna do my next tour for free? I was like, yeah, I would love to just do this trip for free. And so we drive to San Francisco, and then the next morning, when we're picking people up, she's like, ugh, gosh, I don't know if I should do this.
And I was like, what? What are you talking about? She was like, I'm just worried I can get in a lot of trouble. I was like, okay, what does that mean? She's like, I think maybe we should pretend like we don't know each other. Oh, no. And I was like, huh? And I was like, as these people are getting in the van. That's horrible.
Who would tell? Exactly. Who cares? Who would possibly care? And I was like, I am sensitive to the fact that you don't wanna lose your job or whatever, and who am I gonna make you lose your job or whatever?
And then two German au pairs, and this Austrian businessman got on, and that was the entire crew for three days as we drove down the coast.
And I just had to be like, I'm actually from Tuscaloosa. I'm also from Alabama, but not from Birmingham.
That's so weird. Three days being like, oh, we're from the same state, but we don't know each other. And as we drove down the coast, our friend in San Francisco had just gotten braces that we stayed with, which was a shocking thing to see just out of the blue. And so halfway through this road trip, Andy looks at me and goes, can you believe Alex has braces?
And I go, I don't know what you're talking about. Oh my God. He's method, he's in deep. Good for you. Cause I'm not gonna break. Are you still friends with that person? I am. Wow.
All right, that is points to everyone for knowing Zach so well. Matt, no points to Zach. Zach got zero points. Zach, no points for you.
Next secret. Who slept with their teacher?
What the heck? That sucks. No way. Why does that suck?
That's exciting. That's fun. That's good. We like it. Why? It's okay.
Wait, I'm gonna qualify it. Improv teacher. Okay, so I'm gonna say, this was not me. Honestly, if you walked in somewhere and a teacher saw you, they'd be like, wow, they're dressed like me. We have a lot in common.
Sinister card left from us all. We have to burn the building now. This is the worst set I've ever bought off.
Who slept with their teacher? Knowing that adults still have teachers. Allie. It's me. You're in school now, Allie. Oh my God, if you can see my teachers now, they're all MAGA anti-vaxxers.
I have to go, my Uber's actually here. I think it's a, I'm gonna say, God. I know, I literally, my heart tells me Grant.
I love taboo situations, but usually more of a daddy-daughter type thing. Anyways, moving on. So then it was you. Lily's dropping a lot of Easter eggs.
A lot of daddies are teachers. Yeah, that's a good point. A lot of daddies are teachers.
Could it be one of the fellas, Zach, Patrick? I think it's either Zach or Patrick. That's crazy. Is this our energies alone? It's true. It could be Patrick.
My mom is a teacher, so I would never. Mommy issues. No. Mommy issues.
No. All right, final guesses, Zach? I will say Lily for this one. Allie, Grant, Katie? Patrick. I am gonna say Allie. Will the person who slept with their teacher please take a sip of their drink? Allie! Oh!
It wasn't bad, it wasn't bad. It wasn't bad.
This was my Dutch tutor in Holland. Okay, teacher is like a big, it's like a stretch. A tutor?
I, at one point, had my septum pierced very briefly. I don't know if any of you remember that. Anyway, I slept with this person and the septum fell out. Oh! And- Dirty sex? Look, I don't know when exactly. I just got home and it wasn't there anymore.
Anyway, yeah, we hooked up, I left, and then I was so nervous about it that I canceled all future Dutch lessons. Oh no, you could have been so good. I paid for the month. You could have been so good at Dutch. And then I didn't pick up my nose ring either and I just went, actually, I'm different now and I don't have a septum piercing and I'm moving on with my life. My question is, did you have one tutoring session with them and then you fucked them?
That's so hot. What? That rules. What? I like that. I think that's hot.
You didn't build up to it? Just one session. Just one session, I got home, their business card was in my pocket.
Oh my God. That's so hot. Were they teaching you, like, to kiss? To lick? That's a great question.
What was some of the Dutch you learned in this tutoring session? Yeah, yeah, what did you learn? I actually learned, like, pretty, like, basic Dutch.
It was great. One, two, three, four, five, six. All right, that's it for round one. We are gonna take a quick break.
In the meantime, hey Grant, what are we drinking today? Today's cocktail is a Grant Likes to Smoke. The name of the game on this drink is smokiness.
We're gonna start with an ounce of mezcal. Mezcal is made from roasted agave plants. In that roasting process, the mezcal's gonna pick up some of that smoke from the pit. Next, we're gonna add an ounce of amaro sfomato. Amaros are liquors infused with herbs and plants. This particular one is really smoky, as the name might imply. We're gonna add an ounce of that. Now, we can't only add smoky things to this drink, so we're also gonna tame it with an ounce of sweet vermouth.
Now, I'm gonna ice my cocktail glass with one big ice cube. Ooh, and I have to get my ice scoop, which is someplace. One ice scoop will, of course, be high. Hi, how's everybody? Is it, oh no. Hey, I've been drinking all day. And we're gonna stir this. Next, pour my cocktail over one big ice cube.
I have a little chimney that I can put right on top there. I'm gonna pack just a couple of wood chips into the top. Now, very gently, I'm just gonna slip that over to the side and watch that smoke rise as I present to you, Grant Likes to Smoke.
And we're back. Let's recap the score. We have Zach with two points. Allie with five points. That's right. Katie with two points. Okay. And Patrick with three points. We've got Allie in the lead, but it's anyone's game. Let's move on to the next question.
Who cleaned up a celebrity's poop? Patrick. Wow, it's one of you two. It's one of you two. It has to be Patrick.
Patrick has a million celebrity friends. I don't have friends. I have a million celebrity employers. Acquaintances. Well, we didn't say it was a friend. Patrick or Zach, I'm not, I'm not, I don't have any celebrities in my life.
I'll tell you right now. It's not me. I totally believe you. Zach always says it could be him. He always says it could be him. That's true.
And this time, why did you draw the line? Cleaning up a poop? You wouldn't clean up a poop? No, I just haven't done it.
Wait, there are celebrity dogs. That's what I was thinking. Katie, yes or no, you've met Grumpy Cat. Me?
Fuck no. Yes or no? I said no. Yes or no, you what?
You've met Grumpy Cat. I've never met a celebrity. Your vest certainly suggests you've met Grumpy Cat.
There are lots of different ways you could clean up a celebrity's poop if you worked at a cafe, a restaurant. Ali, you worked at a cafe.
Yeah. Any celebs? Any celebrities?
No, no, no. I worked there on the night of the 20, 20 election. What a distraction. The night of the 20th, you worked there one night?
What? What was the crazy Trump election? 2020. Yeah, exactly. No. The crazy Trump election, 2020.
The one he lost. Katie said that's the crazy one. That's crazy, that's the crazy one. I can't believe he lost. I was rooting for him.
Patrick, who do you think cleaned up a celebrity's poop? Oh, I have to think hard. About which celebrity it was. Katie's doming Patrick. I'm gonna say Zach again. Ali, who do you think it was? For points, I wanna say Patrick, but for passion, I wanna say Katie. Yeah.
It was Katie. It's not me, Katie? Katie cleaned up Grumpy Cat's shit.
I have never seen, I've never been in the same room as Gumpy. I've never cleaned up Gumpy's shit. Let the record be known. Katie has never cleaned up Gumpy's shit.
The show is like a fever dream. It's like being at a bar with all of you and cameras are here and you forget that they're here.
You said me? Where are we at? I didn't say you. Who do you think it is? I didn't say anybody. Who do you think it is? Me first?
Grumpy Cat.
Patrick, Zach, who do you think? Absolutely, 100% Ali. Will the person who cleaned up a celebrity's poop please take a sip of their drink? I was right, Patrick is always with celebrities.
No, that's not the case, but I worked one of my first jobs here. I worked in the green room at a late night show. Which one? That doesn't exist anymore. The main show? Look, I'll say it. I worked at the late night show with Craig Ferguson. Oh, that's right. So I worked at the late night show with Craig Ferguson.
I was a green room coordinator. I was, so every person that would come in, I would talk to. I had a lot of fun interactions with people. There was one comedian who will bleep it when I say their name, but this person came in.
They had their own dressing room. They went down to do the show and left. And when they were at the show, I went into the dressing room and there were three little poops on the ground. This comedian was legendary comedian.
Oh, you can't say it. We can't air it, but it happened. How do you know it wasn't an assistant or a dog? Well, okay. So my theory is the person was very old and they stood up and I think maybe a little bit was caught.
Looks like a horse where they keep walking. Yeah, they keep walking.
There were three little popcorn poops and they were on the ground.
And I didn't know what to do. And I called somebody, another assistant, and they were like, I don't know. So we called the producer and she was like. And it went all the way up to Craig. Well, she was like, call a janitor. She's like, what are you doing?
And no one can know about this. This person is a legend. You can't talk about this.
Wow. Yeah, that was it. And that was a wild experience. Wow, I can't believe Joe Rogan did that. Yeah, that's crazy. Wasn't that nuts? Yeah.
I don't think Willem Dafoe's a comedian.
Yeah. All right, so points to Katie. And nobody else. Next question.
Who put someone in a choke hold after a wedding? All of us. Every single person here is a wild dog. But like, was it the bride, the groom, or just? It could be someone, like, people get wild at weddings and stuff.
Like, it's like, you might have to be like, you gotta calm down, man. You gotta chill out.
You gotta kill out, did you say babe? No. Babe, it's your date. Babe, sleep her whole. I'm married now. Baby! Calm down, baby! I did just get married.
Could have been me. Could have been you.
Katie's been married. I wish I was there. Zach's been married. How many weddings have you been to, Grant? Zach eloped, so it would be crazy.
Oh! But she, like, submitted to it. Oh my god. It was part of our vows. This is beautiful, babe. That's really sweet.
Let's get our guesses in. Allie, who do you think put someone in a chokehold after a wedding? Katie. Okay, Zach, who do you think? Look, if anyone can happen to see what is staring directly into my soul. I'm gonna have to say Katie, I guess. Patrick, who do you think? Katie and I just made an agreement that we wouldn't go to each other. Wait, no, it's not us two. I think it was Katie. What? Oh my god! I literally can't believe it. Katie, who do you think? Patrick.
Will the person who put someone in a chokehold after a wedding please take a sip of their drink? Wow! That makes sense. Zach, choke Phoebe, and that's, So Phoebe, that's canon. No, this is a wedding, not my wedding. Like, 10 years ago, my friend got married and we were in Alabama, and then after the wedding festivities, it's Alabama shit for sure, we went to a nearby bar, just kind of keeping the party going, very crowded at this bar, and this guy just choke slammed a friend of my friend's little brother, and he was trying to get involved in it, and I was like, no, no, no, and I got in the way, kind of settled things down to a degree, just was in the middle of my friend and a guy who looked like Jason Momoa, but like 5'10", you know?
And so it was just like, hey, we're cool, we're fine, we're okay, and just making sure nothing happened, and then after a certain amount of time, like a cop came in, and it was like, okay, this is clearly over, and if it was happening right here, I turned around to drink over here, and I got nailed in the back and like flew into the thing, the guy had thrown the cop into me, and I turned around. Okay, I kinda like the guy. That's fuckin' based, that's based as hell. But like, I turned around and see this cop on the ground, and this guy going, like going in, and I happened to be in the position to be able to grab him, just cause he was like literally just about fuckin' beat this guy down, and I grabbed him. And get shot, probably. Yeah, I don't know, I think it would've been worse, but like, I grabbed him, and he was so big that I was like, or he was so strong that I was like ragdolling. And I was like, shaking this guy out, and I was like, if I let go, this guy's gonna kill me. But like, at a certain point, the bouncer staff grabbed this guy and like pulled him out, and I was just like, and then that was the whole thing, and it was a very, very bizarre situation, cause I was in a tuxedo, and it was just like this wedding party was there. It's like James Bond, if James Bond was kinda a wee. I think he did a good job in this situation. That is three points to Zach for fooling all of you with his heroics. Next question, who got screamed at by someone who saved their life? It makes me think of a lifeguard, right?
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Which I was. I was also a lifeguard. Who was a lifeguard? I was a lifeguard. I was a summer camp counselor. Kinda similar. I was never a lifeguard, but I was always at the beach.
Why? What beach?
Rock and roll. It's not related, not related to the. It was the summer of 99. And you were just saving.
Just like a bad brag. Just like, I don't give back. I simply don't.
I do take and take. I'm just saying, it seems like at least three of us have been trained in CPR at one point. Yes.
I mean, you could save the life of somebody, you're like a brash New Yorker who is about to fall into the subway and you're saving them. Or get hit by a car. And this is someone who saved this person's life. Who got screamed at by someone who saved their life? So someone saves your life and then they scream at you.
Oh! That feels honestly codependent to me. They're gonna save your life and then they gotta yell at you about it. It's like, look. Toxic, toxic.
They should have let you die. Look what you made me do. They should have let you die or just let it go.
Yeah. I think also like, I can imagine Katie taking the point of view of being like, I saved this person's life and they screamed at me. Like I can imagine Katie. No, it's the other way.
You have to be screaming at them. So it's like, I pulled you off the train and then they're like, you fucking idiot. I pulled you off the train and now I'm yelling at you.
Zach, who do you think it was? I think it was Katie.
Oh my God. ET? Did you say ET? Katie. ET.
Katie, phone home. Patrick, who do you think it was? Oh, I think it was Katie too. Allie, who do you think it was? Katie, yeah, definitely Katie. Katie, who do you think it was? I think it was Katie.
No, no, no, no, no. Will the person who got screamed at by someone who saved their life please take a sip of their drink? What? Are you joking my ass?
I'm sorry, before you tell the story, I have to interrupt and say that when, Lily, when you said take a drink, Beardsley took a drink of your drink. Beardsley took a drink. Beardsley has two drinks in front of him.
I'm sorry, it looks like the ops are everywhere now. These are my drinks. Maryland City is where I live. Excuse me, this is straight mezcal, and it's fine. It was really good. And I do have two drinks I'm working on, so it doesn't really make sense. Here's what happened.
As a child, I really said this, we were not looked after. This is a childhood story again, which is insane.
A little bit of an Oliver Twist.
Katie's trying out her one woman show. A little bit of a box car child. I was bored.
Okay, so here's what happened. I went, we went to Mexico. I don't know where my parents were.
There was a red flag at the beach, and I didn't know that that meant it was unsafe to swim in the ocean. And I went into the ocean, and I was so tiny as a child, and I immediately got swept out to sea. And I literally grabbed ahold of some moss on a rock to save myself, and this man ran out. He grabbed me, brought me back in, and then he was screaming at me, but I didn't understand it.
In Spanish? Yeah, in Spanish.
And then 10 minutes later, my parents came out. I have no idea where they had been, and they were like, what happened?
Having sex in the bathroom. Yeah, fine. They're covered in pretzels. I hope not.
Oh no. But anyway, and then they were like, what happened? And I was like, I just almost died like hardcore. Oh my God. It was wild. Where was that fucking guy to yell at your parents, not you? I was a small child. It was not my fault. Wow. That's crazy. It was wild.
Points for everyone, but Katie, you do not get a point for guessing yourself. Final secret.
Who climbed a bridge after running out of gas on the highway? Like just get a vantage point? Just kind of to show off. Yeah. I mean, that makes sense to me. Climb a bridge after running out of gas on the highway.
I don't know what to do. Just two completely unrelated things. Who watched the movie? I'm trying to be sure how to climb the bridge even. I'll tell you what I think happened.
Someone was going there. Someone was looking at Google maps and they saw an intersection and said, oh, there's a gas station down this road. And then you get to the road and it's a big old bridge. And you've got to climb up to the top to go that way.
That's very LA. That is very LA, but.
So am I. Okay. You're Ohio. I remember when you moved here, dude. Let's triangulate this.
Who do we think would run out of gas on the highway? You gotta be running pretty low on gas. Not Katie, but if you did, I think you would go to drastic measures. Like whatever this is talking about. I would, I have run out of gas on the highway. Me too. I've run out of gas. It's awful to run out of gas.
You feel like such an idiot. Yes, exactly. Oh my God. You're fucking stupid. I fill up the tank the moment it drops below half. Okay, but how long have you done that? Because the younger I was, the more often my gas light was on. Cause I was like. Why do you fucking idiots keep running out of gas? You're all so stupid. It was you.
Oh, he knows. No, Grant knows cars so up. You're drunk enough to give us a tell now. His nasty little car never runs out of gas.
I'm also imagining like, like, you know, like having to climb a bridge feels very like South America, like traveling. Like you're somewhere where you don't know what you're doing. You need to get a view. Like you need to like, why do you need a view? Or even like fucking Europe. There's just so many bridges over there.
Who's good at climbing? I'm awesome at climbing. I love to climb. Actually, I'm very good at climbing. I'm not really good at like rock climbing.
Yeah. So what are you climbing? What kind of climbing do you do? So what the fuck are you climbing? Bridges?
I'm good at that too. I was going to say, we go home with Zach. Zach has a giant human cat tower. No dude, look at that. You can get on that dude. Just my feet exiting frame. Oh my God. Zach, I dare you to climb the set.
It will fall apart. It will crumble under your feet.
I saw the whole crew like freak out.
Don't do it.
All right. Then who climbed a bridge after running out of gas on the highway? I kind of think it was Grant. No. Lanky, a climber, but clumsy would be dead by now. Yeah, that would have killed him.
Okay, I'm changing my answer. I'm changing my answer.
I'm going to go, because Zach pointed at Allie, I'm going to go Allie. Damn. Okay, Allie, who do you think? I don't think it was you actually. Zach is ready to climb anything in a moment's notice. That's wrong. Katie? I'm going Zach. Zach? It'd be so funny if you got Patrick to vote for me. After pointing at Allie, you're going to get this.
You fucking suck. You're trash. Last chance to change your answer. Oh, this sucks. You're trash.
No answer. Okay, answers are locked. Answers are locked.
Will the person who climbed a bridge after running out of gas on the highway please take a sip of their drink? You did a great job, Patrick.
Zach! Yes! Zach! Yes! I thought it was for sure Zach. I want to give it all up to Zach.
Allie, what happened? Allie, did you want some of my drink as well? Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I did that. Yeah, I just ran out of gas.
Right when I moved to LA. What was going on with the bridge? Which bridge? Sounds like two stories, Allie. I was on the 101. I just moved to LA.
I was completely out of money. Obviously my car, the most I would put in is $20 at a time and I just kept being like, wow, my gas line is always on. It ran out of gas.
I'm on the 101. As the 110 turns into the 101, this is so inside baseball, but it's like a really crazy turn and my car started going backwards on the turn. So I had to turn my wheel so that it would go off the freeway, but backwards.
I had obviously a plastic gas container because this happened to me all the time and I took off my belt and I slung it around like a sash. That's so cool. Like you're in the fucking apocalypse. With the gas thing. And I went running up this trail that was so vertical that I had to start from a run and I had to run and grab some shit and like pull myself all the way up.
You didn't have to. You have to. It's really overstated. I had to.
No, I wouldn't have kept sliding. I wouldn't have gotten there. Like I- Well you can't just walk in the shoulder.
You're in downtown. There are other gas stations.
No, no. This was the closest one. And I got there and then I came back down. Anyway, so this- Would you just slide down the hill like a slide? Yeah, that part was easier. I feel like in California, it's just like slick cement like this for under a bridge. So I went on the dirt part to have a little bit more traction and I was absolutely filthy and I didn't learn my lesson. This happened immediately after that again.
How many times have you run out of gas on the highway? In total. Oh, on the highway less, but probably still like 20. Holy shit. Oh my God. 20? Okay, I will say this was a turning point because then I found out if you have AAA, they come and they put a little bit of gas in the tank wherever you are.
Here you are. Hey, Ali.
But not on the highways. I thought they only do local roads. No, no, no. They'll come find you wherever you are and they'll put a little bit of gas in your tank to get you to it. So the turning point is not getting gas, it's- No, no, no, no. It's getting AAA. If you split the AAA up among all the months, it's a lot less than getting gas every month.
AAA for you is the nicotine gum of the problem. You just fucking slap a patch on it and put some gum in and it's good.
Wow, that is one point to Patrick and Patrick only. All right, it's closing time. Let's look at our final scores. Who wants a shot? No. We have Patrick with five points. Okay. Katie with three points. I suck. Ali with six points. And Zach with six points. Oh. Which means we have a tie between Ali and Zach. Grant, tell them what they've won.
Well, we have one Dirty Laundry cocktail set that they're going to have to share. Oh my God, it's holographic. So everyone pick, everyone, everyone pick two pieces on the set they want. Zach asked me what it looked like and I went, it's holographic. And I was very excited about it.
All right. That's it for Dirty Laundry. I'm your host. This is beautiful. I'm trying to do a closing out show. That's it for Dirty Laundry. I'm your host, Lily Du. And here's hoping you become a regular. Wow. |
dropout | if_she_s_all_that_starred_hipsters | At Silver Lake High School, Dutch Dradford had it all. Check out those wheels! He was the most popular guy on campus, until his girlfriend dumped him for someone cooler. Sorry, Dutch, but this is Silver Lake and you're just not very off-beat. Plus, Garrett plays the hostaphone. And now, to save his reputation, he's taken on an impossible bet. I'm gonna choose the most unpopular girl in school, and then you gotta make her the prom queen.
Stacey McAdams. She's physically fit, she's got a nuclear family, and she's a cheerleader. She sounds so normal. One, two, three.
You guys going to the mall? I thought you guys haven't even had a lesbian experience. Hey, leave her alone! Do you want to go to a football game? Like your friends even know what sports are. I don't. This is one bet that you're gonna lose.
It's not over until prom, which obviously we're going to ironically. Yeah, obviously ironically. Okay, I just wanted to check because I feel like sometimes people go authentically to prom. No, who would go authentically to prom? And Dutch is about to realize she might just be more Pinterest-ing than he thought.
You can't fall in love with her. You're like Top Geek, and she's a cool cheerleader. She'll never be cool. By which I mean actually cool. Because that's uncool. And uncool is cool.
I think. My stupid bet! Stacey! We are gonna give you a makeover. Introducing the new Stacey. She's so awkward. I didn't know you were such a... Nerd. She's all glasses. |
dropout | can_you_flush_a_chocolate_cake_down_a_toilet | I have a question for you, or like a favor I guess, it's a favor. I was wondering if maybe like this Friday I could come over with a film crew and try to flush a chocolate cake down your toilet. About a year ago, I got into a debate with the writers. Could you flush an entire chocolate cake down a toilet? How many flushes would it take? Some thought it would clog right away.
I was an optimist. I still am. But at some point, I couldn't let it go. I had to know the truth.
How many flushes would it take to flush an entire chocolate cake down a toilet? So this cake here? I think the cake will not go down. I clog a normal toilet with just poop like once a week. The cake is going to plug the hole and then when you flush, water is just going to go on top of the cake, it's going to sit on top of the cake. Based on your prediction, it's when do you get the brown out of the water?
Skid marks.
So it's when it gets to the point that it's flush enough that if you were in a public restroom, you could leave and go like, that's fine. Yeah. I'm going to say one flush just because like I'm an optimist. And like wouldn't that be fucking awesome? How satisfying would it be to just watch it just get sucked up?
I want to say like five. We're both on the same page that it's three. Three. I'm going to say eight.
Okay. We should not tell them what it's for. They should just be making it. They're going to be like, thank you so much. We can't wait to flush this. Oh, there it is. We just passed it. Where we're going, we don't need crosswalks.
You do not think this cake has gone down the toilet. I do not think the cake is going to go down.
Parts of it might. What is leading you to that conclusion? The density of the cake and just knowing how easily toilets can be clogged. I like that thing over there. Yeah. It's just like going on its own. It looks like Harry Potter.
It struck me that the writers were so far apart in their estimates. The only thing everyone agreed on was that this documentary was a complete waste of time.
And money. And cake. But my boss already said yes, so I didn't care.
So in terms of toilet, how does this one stack up? Is this like super average or? Yeah, it's average.
It doesn't have a power assist, like there's toilets that have power assist. Do you think that toilet with a power assist could get that chocolate cake in one flush?
Maybe two. Do you think it's going to go? I think it's going to go. This should be the hugest shit. How do you guys have it? It's like an offering. First flush. Oh, it's gone down a little bit. I saw it move a little bit. I don't know. This should be the happiest moment of my life. I know, I agree. You know what?
Before, I thought that the worst case scenario was the toilet overflowing. But at least then something will happen. I think the worst case scenario is just that like nothing happens.
It doesn't flush. The plumber plunges it and doesn't care. And no one fucking cares.
Number five. Alright, this is my chance to win. It's like the same thing the last five flushes.
Dude, I think this thing isn't going to go down. The cake wasn't going down. But my dreams were. Adam wasn't the only one who thought it wouldn't work.
Earlier that day I met with a physicist at Caltech. We're going to talk to a scientist. I'm hoping that she sits me down and she's like, ah yes, the classic cake flush equation. I am surrounded by geniuses. And I'm going to show up wearing a bright purple backpack and ask someone about chocolate cake. So, hi mom and dad.
Good work on squirting this one out. So I would divide the problem into three parts. I would look at the cake itself. So I ask the variables associated with the cake. Then I would say, okay, what's your water pressure? Then the third issue goes down to the toilet and plumbing. So it doesn't really run very high pressure water straight as something. That's a little harder to break things apart. Is this the weirdest thing that anyone has ever asked you to lend your scientific brain to? I would say.
We had the stats, but it wasn't enough to make a full estimate. Since she's a scientist and a person of principle, she didn't want to make hasty assumptions like I repeatedly asked her to. She didn't seem optimistic, though. No one did.
Honestly, right now I'm like right at the throne of the towel because I'm that weak of spirit. There's two things. One, I'm not going to get to see a cake flush down the toilet. Two, Adam is right. And I don't know which one I hate more. This is really weird to say, but I'm really glad you guys are here. Serious movement.
Oh! Yeah! Wow! It's going to go down! Oh my God! That was like half the cake. That was such a critical flush. Oh my God. Oh! Oh, yeah. Whoo!
I wonder if I'm not going to like cake after this. What's the lesson here? What's the takeaway?
Even though there's been seven flushes and nothing's happened, and you want to give up that next flush, then it just all starts going down. Because you never know what flush will be the one that breaks through. That's it. That's the takeaway. The critical flush. Critical flush. That proved it.
It wasn't all just a waste of time. Well, it was, but at least it was a successful waste of time.
No! Oh, I'm such a fool. Please accept my humblest apologies. It's weird because I know you're sarcastic, but it still feels good. And now I know.
When times are tough and it seems like all is lost, there's still hope. You never know when the critical flush is going to come. Because it will come. And when it does, it will be profoundly beautiful. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_Scott_Morrison_Cops_It_A_Sad_Victorian_AFL_Players_Prepare_For_A_Rude_Sh_ | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batutah News Bullet and you're joined by myself Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate, Errol Parker editor at large, hello Errol. Good mate. And Wendell Hussey our humble millennial news reader, how are you Wendell? Very well, very glad to be a Queenslander on a week like this. Indeed, indeed. Me three, now please, what's in the news this week?
We're going to start off with some national news Clancy and the PM has told Victorians that they sound like the misses after knocking him for having a beer at the footy. Haha, the CEO of Australia was really copping it for having a few beers at the bloody footy, waving his scarf around and doing all that jazz at the Cronulla game last weekend while Melbourne was in a total lockdown. He can't have a bit of time off can he Scotty? You know, he can't enjoy a few frothies with the boys enjoying the team as they got smashed by a 20 year old from Forbes, what's his name?
Charlie Staines. Four on debut.
You wonder, a lot of people think he doesn't deserve any time off, maybe not when your country's in the middle of a health and economic crisis and you told them you were going to be spending a bit of time with your family after you know only having your last international holiday with them to Hawaii six months ago and then you turn up without them at the footy, yeah I can see why it triggered those sensitive Victorians. Yeah well Toby Murdoch dropped a comment on that story saying, doesn't he live in Sydney so because Victoria shit the bed everyone should suffer in solidarity? Fair point Toby, by virtue of your last name I assume you have to support this government by any means necessary Toby, moving on.
Now onto the next story and a cooped up Victorian has asked Alexa to tell him everything is going to be okay. Poor fellow, he told us he just needed Alexa to comfort him and assure him. Yeah well he told our reporter that he was all jittery after a third homemade long black and a second pointless zoom meeting of the day and his Alexa made things somewhat better by putting on an episode of The Office, the US one of course, not that hoity toity pom one.
Yeah it's no good that one, now onto some big local news from the week and an Instagram influencer has quietly removed that unaesthetic black tile from her Instagram profile. Yes Lizzie Mock was the influencer that did that this week, she initially posted it during the hashtag Blackout Tuesday but since then has realised it doesn't exactly go with the earthy pastel theme she's been going for on her profile so it just had to go. Yes she did throw up a Martin Luther King quote as she deleted it with her most recent bikini photo so good on her for keeping the momentum going in between SponCon posts I suppose.
Yeah nice touch, elsewhere around town now and we wrote a story about a man down at a Batutah Heights pub this week. That headline was, this is probably going to sound racist, says bloke who is absolutely correct. Yes we won't report on what this particular form worker did say but his mate said he regaled the bar with a highly offensive personal theory which led to an impromptu rinsing down from the nearby scaffolders who were of that exact nationality he was talking about. Yes your cousin Todd can't seem to control himself after a few beers Clancy? No no no but you know he is well represented in parliament so I guess it's all been validated. Well he's lucky that Kiwi at the other end of the bar let him off with just a light glassing.
Only a few stitches, all's well that ends well. Alright let's wrap it up with some sports news and AFL players are preparing to experience absolute anonymity as the competition relocates to Queensland. All the Victorian teams are coming up here thanks to the generosity of Premier Palaszczuk and they're going to live through something that hasn't really happened to them since they were tweens. No one is going to know or care who the fuck they are. Yes that is aside from a few expats who followed the Brisbane Lions up from Fitzroy years ago and of course the Victorians who stowed away in shipping containers and trucks this week to get to the glorious and free sunshine of the Sunshine State. Well we are very lucky that it's easy to spot a Victorian in Queensland because they have very small teeth and large gums and a sickly pale pallor. Yeah well you know what they say you can always tell a Victorian but you can't tell them much.
What a great note to end on there Clancy. Anyway that will do us for this week thanks for tuning in we'll be back again in seven days time with all of the biggest stories from our humble regional newspaper. Until then goodbye. Hurrah! Salaam Alaikum. |
Wizards_with_Guns | he_invented_a_new_crime_the_insane_case_of_randall_conroy | Oh my god, it was just a joke! This is 32-year-old Randall Conroy. Four and a half hours ago, he was arrested for rigging a landmine to explode inside the popular trampoline park known as Rebounders during business hours. You guys gotta learn how to be funny!
During our examination of this footage, we will be discussing the interrogation tactics of the detectives, and the various methods of psychological deflections that Randall employs throughout the interview. Now keep in mind, this is a man deranged enough to place an explosive device underneath the trampoline in hopes that a child would detonate it by bouncing on the right place at the right time. Here's your diet-toke. Sorry the tuck's all on there, Randall. That's fine. I'm a very patient person. This coming from the same man who, after realizing the children on the trampoline were too light to trigger the pressure-sensitive explosive, was quoted by eyewitnesses as saying, Fine. I'll do it myself. He then proceeded to jump on the trampoline as promised, succeeding in detonating the device. How he survived? Well, we'll get to that later. Yeah, so, we heard your story, Randall, and there's just a few inconsistencies that we're hoping you can help clear up for us.
I told you, I was at home watching a movie. I was watching Breaking Bad. Isn't that a show? The movie! Breaking Bad, the movie!
Randall is partially telling the truth here. The movie El Camino continues the Breaking Bad story following the actions of Aaron Paul's character Jesse Pinkman after the series finale. Notice how confident Randall is when he's telling the truth. Now let's look at his behavior when he's caught in a lie.
I haven't even heard of rebounders! Don't even know what that is! I am a Sky Zone guy! Look at me! Really?
Where did we find a rebounders membership card? In your wallet. This was no ordinary membership card. This was a pro bouncer lifetime member rewards card reserved only for rebounders enthusiasts. It was last scanned at the time of the crime.
Oh!
Dude, I remember now! I was at a different rebounders! My friend Billy was there. He could talk to you and back me up! Did you notice that? His confidence was restored by utilizing only parts of the truth. Billy's high school friend Billy Weisler was at another rebounders around the time of the incident. However, after 10 seconds of questioning, Billy revealed Randall was not, in fact, at this other rebounders.
After 5 minutes of questioning, a child was found in the trunk of Billy's Ford Fiesta. Billy is in federal prison.
We know for a fact that you were there, Randall. How do you know it was me?
I would never do anything like this! This was not the first violent crime Randall had perpetrated. In 2017, Randall donned a full suit of Knights armor and attempted to rob a water park. When he tried to flee authorities down a water slide, he was found nearly drowned at the bottom due to his cumbersome attire.
You're telling me this is nothing like Alaska? Oh my god! That was one time!
In 2018, Randall attempted to sink a Disney cruise with a cannon that he mounted on a small dingy. He was unsuccessful and quoted as saying, He was wearing a suit of armor.
Come on, Randall. Give me something. Okay? This is serious. Those kids could have died. Haha. What was that? Nothing. Is that funny to you? Randall realizes he slipped up here. Watch closely at the next technique he employs to hide his emotions.
No, that is not funny to me at all. Child endangerment isn't something you'd laugh about, is it? No, I would never think child endangerment is funny. It is not hilarious at all.
Lower your hands, Randall. His whole facade is falling apart, just like a house of cards. Or like the show, House of Cards. Now the detective knows to apply pressure.
Randall, what if I told you we spoke with your mother this evening? She told us everything about the rebounders. My mom?
Mm-hmm. What?
She's lying! The police had in fact not spoken with his mother. This is a common tactic used by interrogators, feigning the possession of damning evidence in order to draw out a confession. She's lying!
Randall's mother had been deceased for over four years. Freaking bitch! Look, Randall.
We almost had you at the bridge, and we got you now. On the night in question, after fleeing the scene, the suspect hijacked a magnetic junkyard crane and proceeded down the highway, initiating the slowest police chase in Brevard County history. The crane careened off a bridge into the St. Johns River, where he swam away. When authorities investigated the crash, the only evidence found was a medieval great helm stuck to the crane's magnet. The suspect had been wearing a suit of armor.
So you might as well just tell the truth. Yeah. Okay?
Well, you have no evidence. You have no proof.
It was me. Bring it in. What is that? Okay. Look familiar, Randall?
No. I have no idea who's 13th century Germanic great helm that is. I don't know.
They later found a headless suit of armor in Randall's family home embedded with landmine shrapnel. Presumably how he survived the blast.
You know it's yours. It's not mine. Look at it!
It's too small! This wouldn't fit on my head! Why don't you try it on then? I can't. Why?
I'm too tired. He was not tired. He had just drank a full diet coke.
Oh. Put it on, Randall. Fine. It's a perfect fit. I know.
The detective has all he needs. All that's left is to present the evidence at trial and let the jury decide. Alright, Randall. We're done here. Randall, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say- I am not going to jail for this shit! You can't do this to me! Have you ever heard of the Jupiter Ride? Oh my god! It was just a joke! You guys never learn how to be funny!
This interrogation footage proved to be instrumental in the prosecution's case against Mr. Conroy. In response, Randall's primary defense was that his heinous actions were quote actually a really funny joke and everyone just needs to be cool about it. In a strange turn of events, the judge agreed and let him go, stating Conroy's crimes were and Unfortunately, Randall did not enjoy his freedom for long. Just two weeks after his acquittal, he was caught in a police standoff while setting fire to a Claire's. He died a day later due to injuries sustained from authorities using armor-piercing rounds. He was wearing a suit of armor.
Hey guys, thanks for watching. Please like and subscribe. Also, special thanks to Nook Eric and Mammoth in Space. These guys are hilarious. Go check out their channels. Plus, they recently posted sketches with us in them if you're interested.
It's a good helmet! It looks a little bit warm.
What do you want from me? You see some blonde and stray hairs in there?
No? I doubt it. No, there are.
You would fucking book me if you had my DNA on that thing. But you don't. That is true. You got me there. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_god_s_pottery | That's right. We are a Christian acoustic duo based here in New York City, as I'm sure you can tell. And we're going to be doing a little sing and a play here, so let's first just make sure this guitar's working. Oh, there it is. Can you hear that other? Yes. Wonderful. And how about the microphones now?
Well, we did sing about the issues that the youth struggle with, and this boy is a youth-heavy show, so this is going to be great. The first topic we're going to discuss is an issue that many of you are probably struggling with, and hopefully a few have not yet begun to struggle with yet. It is the issue of premarital intercourse.
Okay. We're used to a little nervous laugh here. That's all part of the process. We have a song about this variation. We do. It tells the story of a young lady, a young lass, who is entering her pubescence. Nice.
She started to experience some changes in her body, and she started to feel some changes in her feelings too. She's beginning to notice there are a lot of boys out there who are interested in more than just her friendship, which can be so rewarding on its own, right, girls? Isn't that right? Right, girls? And she's beginning to feel tempted. She's beginning to feel tested.
Luckily, she has an extra special friend on her side to help guide her through these rough times. She's a good friend of ours as well. She sure is.
It's Jesus. Thanks for coming. This song is called, The Pants Come Off When the Ring Goes On.
A beautiful target, mouths don't want to miss. And a beautiful chest that's been blessed by the best. A golden cross right in between those breasts. And so you've got a bow now, a wheel-eyed soldier of God. He's got a head full of Jesus Christ and an all-state quarterback spot.
You reach the age when it's time to get engaged. You're a new vile princess in a tiger cage. And he's trying to unlock you with his teeter-ham. But you look him in the eye, because you know he'll understain and yay on. You tell him. We're engaged to be married.
Hear the bells going in and a-dong. But what's not shown makes you better yet. But the pants come off when the ring goes on. Two, three, four.
I know that you love me. And you know not about you, I care, yeah. But I'm not gonna unzip my pants and let you get into my downstairs area.
No.
Now you're glad you waited for that all-state quarterback spot. His ball is on your goal line.
There's fresh dew on the saw. You're waiting nice here and it's time to get in gear. Your man's on the bed and he's driven ear to ear. The racks have been flowing and the bells have been shining. And now it's time to bust that high. And vote for Jesus Christ. Ready in. And you're glad you said we're engaged to be married. Hear the bells going in and a-dong. Let's not jump if you're better yet.
For the pants come off when the ring goes on. When the ring goes on. Yeah, the pants come off when the ring goes on. You've got one shot, there's no opportunities gone. When the ring goes on, you can get it on. And on, and on, and on, and on. When the ring goes on.
Wait. |
cracked | 12_13_07_news_on_cracked_mlb_steroids_ike_turner_w00t | It's Thursday, December 13th, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friendman, and we really need to fire our teleprompter operator.
George Mitchell's highly anticipated report on steroid and other performance-enhancing drug use in Major League Baseball is expected to be about 300 pages, not including attachments. Mitchell says the document wasn't initially intended to be so huge, but hey, it's on steroids, so what did you expect? The report promises to name names, outing more than 50 current Major League Baseball players who allegedly use steroids. Reach for comment, the players told the News on Cracked, "...anyone who says we take steroids is going to get their asses kicked by our massive biceps, shriveled testicles, and back acne, which we hear a crack called backening." In other news, what is a big-ass heart attack?
And in still other news, Ike Turner has died at the age of 76. Ike's ex-wife Tina Turner is refusing to pay tribute. When asked why she wouldn't say anything about the deceased, Ms. Turner replied, "...beats me." In a written statement to fans, though, Mrs. Turner did ask her fans to observe a moment of violence.
Woot, an expression of joy coined by online gamers, has been crowned the Word of the Year for 2007. Early odds for the Word of the Year for 2008? Douchebaggery. Woot marks the second time a word so close to gamers' hearts has made it into the dictionary. The first time, of course, it was virgin.
British author Terry Pratchett has announced that he has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. In a related story, a new study from Kyoto University shows that chimpanzees have superior memory to humans. Come on, what do they have to remember, right? I like eating bananas and scratching myself. I'm not buying this one science. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back tomorrow when we'll reveal the identity of the actual killer. |
cracked | new_guy_cute_dog_react_to_the_puppy_bowl_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with another... I don't know if you saw last week's episode, but this week I want to do something fun and fan-oriented and job-saving. You've been sending all kinds of fun ideas to newguyweekly at gmail.com. Picked out this one from Carl who writes, Do something with a dog, preferably a cute one. Thanks. Well, I hope Seymour here is cute enough for you guys. Neither of us has ever seen The Puppy Bowl. So I thought why don't we make a joint reaction video?
Man, what a crazy thing. Just a weird environment. So weird. It's a crazy pooch right here. I mean, what is he even thinking? Probably nothing.
An annual recherche spoof is all well and good, but this does nothing but remind me of the troubles of human football. But like football's a people sport. Football is a people sport. Has the league really done anything to address domestic abuse or is it still harder on people for smoking a joint? It's like your friends are playing football. In an NBC News poll, 86% of fans saw the full Janae Rice video and still supported the league.
What are they even doing?
According to the New York Times, the NFL admits one in three of its players will have brain trauma. Take one, tackle the little one, and then like the other one, they all have names, right? The NFL's beer commercials treat women as nannies. The NFL's breast cancer charity barely gives any money to charity and the NFL's cheerleaders keep filing grievances because they're underpaid and sexually harassed.
I'm watching a thing that you've watched now that makes this a fun video. And I love sports as much as the next dog. I chase a ball all day, but is this kind of coarsening of our culture and degradation of our human beings worth it?
Look at him go.
But I don't know. Maybe I'm just a dog. It's so cute.
I wish I could tell people this guy wets the bed. Okay, that's our joint reaction video. And Doritos... Please put me on TV. Please, please. I've gotten about 75 emails. Thank you so much for every single one of them. And I'm sorry if it took me until last night to write you back. Please keep sending emails. Please subscribe to this channel. And please check out Run the Jewels. They're really good. |
dropout | if_orgies_were_like_relationships | Hey, I was just gonna head out. Oh, cool. Yeah, that's fine.
Hey, um What is this I mean are we like Exclusive oh Well, I guess never really thought about it Sorry. Yeah, me neither I mean, I I know we're having fun, but I feel like I'm beginning to have feelings for you guys. Whoa Well, please I just want to know this is going somewhere I thought we said we were gonna give a casual. Whoa. Whoa casual What do you mean by that? Do you guys want to see other groups of people? I don't I don't know man Maybe I do how could you oh I get it because I'm a girl.
I'm supposed to stick to one orgy Otherwise, I'm a slut. That's not it It's just you know, we're almost 30. Yeah, we're looking for an orgy We can settle down with buy some land for a commune raise kids without knowing which one of us is the dad I'm sorry. We're not ready for that kind of pseudo responsibility. You guys aren't gonna take this orgy seriously. Maybe we need to stop Some of us are still trying to figure out what we want from an orgy So is that what this is to you a group of friends? We're a group of friends with benefits. We need more Do you mean that this meant nothing to you are you are you are you are you? Listen, some of us just got out of some really serious orgies and we're not ready That thing in your mouth I said that we aren't just here to be your rebound gang bang He's right, this isn't fair to any of us so I guess this is goodbye I I really hope you guys find what you're looking for. You know you too Okay, well everybody in the make love orgy lube up and follow me everybody else |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_131_Matthew_Reilly | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show recording live here in the Budgie Smuggler booth in downtown Petuta and today's guest is zooming in all the way from Los Angeles, rather quiet part of the world right now. As always. I don't think there's too much going on over there.
The American dream he's living, I believe. Matthew Riley, thank you for joining us. Hey guys, thanks for having me.
One of Australia's favourite authors. How long have you been over there for? I've been living here since the start of 2015, so it's getting on to nearly six years now. How are you finding it over there? Is it much easier to write than back home here in Australia?
You know, it's about the same when it comes to the writing, but it's been enormous fun hanging out and meeting sort of movie directors and screenwriters of big action movies, you know, meeting guys like Stuart Beattie is possibly one of Australia's greatest movie exports. He wrote Pirates of the Caribbean and, you know, making friends in the movie world. It's been phenomenal. I think every single person who's ever read one of your books from the very start until today always have that in mind. There's that, there's that kind of films. It's almost like you can translate it to film automatically reading your books. What was, was that ever on your mind when you first started writing or you were just writing books? I was born in 1974. I grew up watching eighties action movies and when I sat down to write the first book, actually the first two, Contest and Ice Station, I just thought, I want to read a book which has the action of a big eighties action movie. You did that well. And I, I wish I could say there was some higher purpose, but I was reading Tom Clancy or Michael Crichton and they'd have like one action scene. And I thought, but the movies I watch have tons of action scenes.
So I just started that way with Contest and Ice Station and I'm a one trick pony and I'm doing my trick over and over again. Well it's, it's, it's obviously well known within the Matthew Riley world that to write your first book, it was bumped back by a couple of publishers. So you decided to, to back yourself and that was Ice Station. What made you think, you know, this was worth having a punt on because it's obviously worked out for you? You know, uh, being young and stupid is sometimes an asset and I was so naive. I thought what could possibly go wrong? So I self published that first book. You know, I'd given that book, the first one to some friends and they read it.
And I said, you know, what'd you think? And one of them looked at me and said, this is really good. And he said, this reads like a real book. And I think he was sort of shocked that somebody knew might be able to write something which could be of professional quality. So sort of comments like that made me just think, go for it.
You know, what have I got to lose? I'll just have to pay the bank back the line. So I did, it turned out to be a good decision.
So how many were in that original print run of Ice Station? Uh, there were 1000, 1000 copies. They sell on eBay now for 1500 bucks. I've only got, got them up on the shelf there. I've got about six copies left. So they were all in the back room of my parents' house at one point.
Yeah. Is this story, is the story true where you were self publishing and you'd listed your your parents landline as the number to get you? That is correct. Hey, we've got the video. Let me run and grab one here. All right. So this is not good for radio, but you know, it's a podcast. So here I am. This is the book. It was actually a contest, but we don't worry about that. And first page, title page, copyright page. And yep, that phone number right there is still my parents' home phone number. Actually even better. It's their address. I was living at home then. And yes, people have called. So Pan Mac called there. Yes. Someone got a hold of that. That's right, Dan McMillan.
Someone got a hold of the contest and said, all right, we've got to find this independent publisher. How come we've never heard of them before?
I think Kate Patterson, who she was the commissioning editor at McMillan. She's now the director of publishing. She has risen in 22 years to be the big cheese. And she's still my publisher to this day.
I think she probably suspected it was self published, but you know, as you can see from that, I made it look pretty schmick and the goal was to make it look like a real action thriller book. And, and that was the plan. I wasn't going to make my fortune self publishing. I just did it to get noticed. Luckily, I've got noticed. So how I should mention to the self publishers out there, only one publisher ever called me, nobody else ever called. So what inspired you to actually start writing because I know that there's a part in Stephen King's autobiography slash the memoir on his own craft where he said for him, what spurred him on to write, you know, his first book was the fact that he was reading stuff that he thought was, you know, that, that he could do better than that.
Yeah. I read that kind of the same, uh, for you similar, but different. I was looking at the stuff I was reading and I thought they're not doing something that I would like, and I wanted more action and I wanted more pace and I didn't want any rest breaks. And it's funny. I feel my progression.
I learned a lot with contest. I think I station was a real quantum leap up temple in area seven, followed on at that pace. But then I did this book called scarecrow and scarecrow. It had the hero of ice station in area seven in it and scarecrow. I set myself this goal of writing this mega sized action scene at the start. And it was this scene in Siberia and there's a typhoon submarine and a dry dock and there's a building that explodes and the helicopters flying jets. And I said, everything after that scene has to get bigger. And scarecrow to this day was this giant quantum leap up in my books.
So yeah, I'm sorta like, I know that Stephen King, I read that book. He did on writing and I looked at what I was reading and thought they're not doing something which I'd like to read. And it turned out a lot of people sort of are like me and like that too.
I'm also going, I go to the movies a lot. I go to see the Marvel movies on the first weekend. They're out, you know, I've seen all the star Wars movies, but I was out watching the Avengers, you know, infinity war and end game on the opening weekend in cinemas where people were cheering at the screen.
And I love that stuff. That's sort of what I was trying to do in the books. The closest thing I've seen on screen to your books though, you almost, you almost out action film, the action films. And the closest thing, I think they may have even been inspired by your books, but the closest thing I've seen to that is probably Fury Road.
Just that no one takes a piss from start to finish.
It's just we're in a car and we're driving. Yeah. I, I agree. I was watching Fury Road go, and that's the kind of movie I'd make.
And the new star Wars are a bit the same too. Like the, the most recent star Wars, they're all a bit the same.
Tell me, do you ever feel in, in writing these books, particularly early when you were a young man writing, you know, you were, you were still at uni writing ice station. Did you ever, you know, take a break, put the pen down and feel the same way that someone reading it would because we all remember kind of having, you know, a heart rate and almost a little bit of a, you know, a little bit out of breath reading your books. Did you ever feel that writing it?
Yes. All the time.
Even this morning, I was writing my new book this morning, the one something, something, the last book in the Jack West series. And I just got exhausted. And I'm, I'm, I'm literally doing this today was part of, it'll take me about two weeks to write it. This is one of the biggest action scenes I've ever done, possibly the biggest. And yeah, I'm just exhausted at the end of it. I just have to go and sort of sit down, you know, sit down on the couch, grab a beer, click on the TV, just stop. I'm a big believer right from the start that the energy I put onto the page is what leaps off the page to you when you read it. And if it's making you just go, Oh my God, I need a break.
And that's exactly what I'm after. I love hearing that.
So how long did the first book take to write? It was, that wasn't two weeks. Was it? No, no. So it's, it's a good question.
Contest took 12 months to the day to write the first draft. And then, you know, months and months of revision. Nowadays, since I've been doing it for a while now, I can do a first draft in about seven months and then I still revise it for another five or six months. So and the revisions make it faster and faster. So still takes a little over a year to do them, which is why I can't quite do one book a year.
Yeah. With your early days of your writing, obviously you're writing about, you know, different countries and different, uh, power, paramilitaries and, you know, guerrilla armies and stuff like that. Had you traveled that much at that point in your life, you know, 19 years old writing about, you know, like, fuck it.
The South Africans are the bad guys in this one. So my, my experience with South Africa at that point was a lethal weapon too.
Yeah. I know the one.
Diplomatic immunity.
So, so no, uh, when I, when I wrote the first, I mean, the first bunch of books contest, ice station temple, you know, New York city, Antarctica, Peru. I hadn't been 20 of those. I was using lonely planets to, uh, you know, figure out distances. The first one I actually, the first one I got to research and go to the country was area seven.
I actually went to Lake Powell in Utah and got on a boat and went around this, this artificial lake in the desert. Uh, and I've been fortunate since then, especially when you get into seven wonders and those books, I've been to the pyramids and Stonehenge and Easter Island. And then two months ago, living here in LA, I went to Mexico to Chichen Itza.
Um, and these places are just, I tell anybody who wants to write a book, you don't have to visit a place to write about it. You can just go and research it, especially with the internet today. But you always get those little extra bits when you go. Um, but yeah, no, back then, not a chance. I was, I researched, I researched ice station entirely in a Chatswood library in the North shore of Sydney. Um, and, and I've done speeches there since, and it's so nice to tell the audience, I say I researched this international bestselling book in this local public library. And they literally look around and go, man, that's awesome. And it hasn't changed much either. I imagine Chatswood library.
No. Did you get to the end of your university course? I mean, that seems like quite a heavy extra workload on top.
I did. I got my, I got my law degree, um, which I'm very, very glad I did.
I think it's just good to have finished it, but I've never practiced. You never admitted to Supreme Court of New South Wales?
Uh, no. Uh, although I, um, I do, I do read the contracts that I signed with movie studios. Yeah. I sold one of my books to Disney and that contract, they got me to sign.
It said all the things I couldn't do. I couldn't do key chains, calendars, fluffy toys. And they went through it item by item, all the things I could not do that I was selling to them.
And on all of the movie deals I had to guarantee, guarantee that the book was my original work throughout the universe. Right, right. So there is a, I am stealing all my ideas from a guy on NAS, but until he gets here, that's legit. That is in the contract. That's so would you ever make, yeah, so would you ever make any Jack West junior key chains if, if you had the means? You know, I think, especially having watched the South Park special the other day, uh, I think, um, it'd be kind of fun to cheekily make some key chains, uh, and anything I ever sold to Disney, they ended up not making that one. That was hover car racer. Um, so the rights are back with me. So we might get some key chains. Yeah. I remember the key chains, key chains and calendars. That's what happy meals. I suppose.
When did the penny drop for you? I remember reading, uh, ice station and contest and then scarecrow. And eventually we'd all hear about this local writer, this Australian writer. You know, the first thing they say, which I guess kind of is, is the best way of, uh, explaining how big a book's gone is how many language it's been published around the world. That's always a big one. I remember hearing that and that's when the penny dropped at how big, how big the Matthew Riley books were. When did you first figure out you'd sent something around the moon?
You know, ice station was quickly sold. Macmillan in Australia snapped it up and it was quickly sold to the U S and the UK. And, uh, without getting into the weeds, Australia is a unique market because we speak and read English. Uh, most territories are done in their native language, but the U S and the UK are the two biggest and Australia is English as well.
There was a Frankfurt book fair around that time. And there was a German publisher who offered me, it was like, I forget the number. It was like 300,000 euros for ice station and temple. And I, I don't, I hadn't even finished temple at that time. It was like three quarters finished and that was for German rights. And that was when you, that was when the Aussie against the Euro was like, double points. Yeah. And off the top of my head, that was the moment where I was like, Oh my God, um, I'm getting big money for a German edition of ice station and temple. And, and I think that sort of really set it off because the languages then went like dominoes.
We did Dutch, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Thai, Japanese, the Japanese did a graphic novel of ice station. It's the only graphic.
In existence. And it's need to get a copy of that. Yeah, actually I should, I should put up some of the pictures. I would show the pictures from the Japanese graphic novel at speeches I would do and I'd put them up on a big screen cause nobody can get them. I, they sent me some, you know, author copies and it's amazing. It's got them.
You might remember, there's a scene where mother, the Marine gets her leg bitten by a killer whale and the killer whale actually rips it off. That is drawn in all its gory detail in the Japanese graphic novel of ice station.
And then where do you find your hotspots now? Obviously you've sold to all these different, um, you know, languages. You know, we always ask this question to musicians. Silver chair had a massive following in Brazil and I imagine. Yeah. I imagine ice station and, and your books have, uh, have got some sort of pocket somewhere where they're real fans. Two spring to mind as kind of funny. Early in Holland, the Dutch additions were big sellers for me and recently God love them. Uh, there is a publisher in Bulgaria who is a huge fan and they jumped onto ice station years ago and every couple of years we get this email from this publisher in Bulgaria and says, listen, we're not a big market, but we love Matthew Riley's books. Can we get the rights? And they pay me like 500 bucks for the publishing rights in Bulgarian. And I can honestly say I am legitimately big in Bulgaria. Have you ever been there?
No, I should. Don't tell, don't tell the people in Bulgaria. No, I haven't. No, I should.
Imagine a book tour through all the big cities in Bulgaria. I think it would actually be surprisingly popular. Yeah.
And I've done book tours in strange places. I've done signings in like London and the public library in New York city. I did one in Singapore in the middle of the night Changi airport when all the midnight book signing in the terminal, the dodgy one.
Oh, it was the good one. It seemed good.
But yeah, people walking by, honestly I kid you not, geez, I haven't thought about this in years. There's you're at, you know, you get an early crowd, people line up and they get their books signed and then the crowd disappears and you get people wandering by and they see you sitting at this table with all these posters around it and this dude sort of walks by.
This is again, one a.m. Changi airport, Singapore.
This dude's walking by and he sees me and he stops. He turns and he looks at me and I'm sitting all these posters with my name on it around me. He walks over to me, he leans in close and he goes, can you tell me where the restroom is? The big, who are you?
I said to my publicist, I think the signing is now done. We're finished.
So are there people from, you know, all, all different walks of life coming to your book signings? Like like from the ones that I've, that I've been to, there are quite a cross section of humanity that are lining up at your table. Uh, yeah, I would say it's very broad. You know, if you had an event where there were, you know, 300 people, I would say 90% are adults, pretty 50, 50 men and women.
Some might say the books seem more blokey, but a lot of female readers. And really only a small percentage would be teenagers. You get a few young kids and that's a strange sort of phenomenon at what age kids jump into my books. And it's, it's, it's interesting that they are for adults and it's adults who largely read them, but you have men, women, blue collar, white collar. I think it's just people who like escapism. It's interesting you said that about teenage boys because teenage boys are definitely the target market for the movies, young men, particularly with the diehards and the, and the, you know, lethal weapons. So, uh, yeah, it must be something about the, the medium reading in itself is, uh, is, is for everyone as opposed to sitting down for two hours watching Bruce Willis. It's a, it's a strange phenomenon and I could go on for hours, but it seems boys read until about the age of 12 and then they go off and play football and cricket and girls keep reading and you have to sort of get boys back at about age 19 or 20. And if there's one thing that I see a lot and I get told a lot at the book signings, it's a 26 year old guy who says, my mother or my father gave me one of your books and now I'm back into reading. I hadn't read a book since high school.
I hear that a lot. When you visit say for a book signing in a country that you have either stigmatized or used as part of your story, what, what are the thoughts when you go, you know, when, when it's an away game for you and you arrive in their country and you've previously written them up as, you know, ethno-fascists. Yeah. You know, I, I've done successful book tours in South Africa.
Fine, no problems. Uh, Great Britain, fine, no problems.
There've been some dastardly British villains too, but there remains one and it continues and it's continued for a long time. The French, the French, there were French villains in ice station, which came out in 1998. And then again in scarecrow where I blew up one of their aircraft carries.
Yeah. To this day, I am not published in the French language. I am, I am published in every language around France, Spanish, Italian, Dutch, German, obviously English.
But so, so now I've, I've never had any, nobody's ever complained to me about being a villain in, in any of the books, but the French by not publishing me, it's a cold war. It's a cold war. So actually it was so funny because all those early things we discussed before, you know, that I'd seen this big deal in Germany, I sold all these rights to other languages, but the French consistently said no. And so after ice station and after scarecrow, I did write a kid's book of a car racer and I just made a gratuitously French villain for that one because I figured stuff them. I was never going to be published there.
Anyway, let's double down here. Now tell us about the most recent book, Two Lost Mountains. Two Lost Mountains.
It's so, I mean, you hear behind me, you can see Seven Ancient Wonders. You know, a few years ago, I decided to really jump into an Indiana Jones style series and I created this sort of wonderful sort of archeologist soldier hero in Jack West Jr. And he came out in Seven Ancient Wonders and I thought, I'll write a sequel. And I thought, how do I make people know it's a sequel? I'll call it the Six Sacred Stones and we'll, you know, it looks like we're counting down. And yeah, once you do that, you realise that all readers have, a lot of readers have completion issues. And they were like, great, Matthew Riley's going to count down seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. And that's now what I've done. So we've had Seven Ancient Wonders, Six Sacred Stones, Five Greatest Warriors, Four Legendary Kingdoms, Three Secret Cities.
And this one is now the Two Lost Mountains and how to describe it, the stakes in a Matthew Riley book have just got bigger and bigger and bigger over the years. And, you know, at one point you're saving, you know, a country, then you're saving in temple, you're saving the world. And with Jack West, basically the universe is about to collapse in a single, in a singularity. And so as we're in the Two Lost Mountains, he has to find these, these two historic mountains of part of a group called the Five Iron Mountains. And unless he does a certain thing by a certain date, the universe is going to come in a big crunch and everybody's going to die. So the stakes are pretty high as this one begins. It begins very hot off the tail of the last book. It's really when we get to the end of the one that you're writing now, I'm really expecting that to almost explode in my hands when we get to the end of it.
Yeah. So I mean, what, what you're being very nice to say, Errol, is, once I wrote The Four Legendary Kingdoms and jumped into Three, Two and One, Three, Two and One are really just one story. Yeah. And Three Secret Cities sort of kicked off this race to what we call the Omega Event, the collapse of the universe. And Two Lost Mountains is like the middle. It's the darker one. It's the one where things are looking pretty bad. Yeah. And it all builds to the final book, The One Something Something, which as you have successfully anticipated, The One Something Something is literally the whole 400 page book is a climax. Yeah. So the whole thing is a climax. So yeah, well, it's a long way of saying when I started, The Four Legendary Kingdoms kicked off the second half of this series. And Three, Two, One is essentially one story. And you're right there.
You try not to leave people with cliffhanger. You try to leave them with a bit of an upbeat moment. So they're ready to jump into the last one.
And well, every time I read one of your books and I know that you you'd really like to see one of these made into a movie, then you get about four or five pages in and then you're just like, well, that sounds expensive. Would you ever compromise on your action to get something turned into a movie if a person came to you and said, love the story, just pick two of these big action scenes and maybe we can do them on the computer?
Yeah, no. And they're not the right person.
You know, and the special effects have become so good. I had an effects guy tell me he could do the entire hovercraft chase in Ice Station in a computer.
And you wouldn't even know, especially when you got hard surfaces, dinosaurs and creatures. And, you know, the bear that attacked Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant.
That's hard to do. But spaceships and vehicles are actually pretty easy to do. Yeah.
And I mean, when it comes to film rights, it goes back to what we were saying before and what you just said. I write the books to be big, giant action movies, and that means they're going to be 100 million dollars. I came close with the Great Zoo of China and Sony. They got a great screenplay done and it was going to be expensive. It was going to be 120 million dollar just at Blockbuster. And the screenwriter had kept all of my wild dragon action scenes, you know, dragons against fighter jets and throwing pieces of freeway at buildings.
And they hired a director and then they parted ways with him. And once they parted ways with the director, the the movie project found it. So that's the way the business works.
I'm now increasingly getting offers for TV shows. And they messed up the last season. But thank God for Game of Thrones, because Game of Thrones is something like Seven Wonders going down to Two Lost Mountains. Seven Wonders is season one, Six Stones is season two. One book per season. Thank you, Game of Thrones. So I increasingly get in I get inquiries for TV shows more so than movies. Game of Thrones changed the way everyone views stories.
I guess you could say. Sure did. Yeah.
I'm interested to know, though, in the midst of all this, we got a short story, the Chinese splashdown. How did that come about? Like, was that because you just got a bit stuck with, you know, the big story and just wanted a side path, you know, just to keep your craft sharp or was or is this just, you know, a great idea you had?
Sometimes when I'm on a book tour, you know, you're going from, you know, book signings to television studios and back to your hotel. And you're often sort of amped up. And I had the idea for Jack West Jr. and the Chinese splashdown on the last book tour. And I knew with two lost mountains without spoiling for people.
But yeah, Jack is going to have to do something about an object on the surface of the moon. And I just wanted to have this totally impossible task that he has to complete. And there is this thing, this this sort of alien altar on the moon.
And and so with the Chinese splashdown short story, I thought, well, I'm going to do this in the two lost mountains anyway. And it gets prefaced in three secret cities. And so I thought, well, why don't I just have this little side short story adventure? I always assume it's the big fans who are going to read the short stories that the general mass readership probably won't. So it always has to exist as a little side departure so that anybody can't be mandatory for everybody to read it. But you'll get a little extra from that. And it gets as you've you've read two lost mountains. The splashdown does get a mention in it. But I have to really tread a fine line that if someone hasn't read Chinese splashdown, it doesn't affect two lost mountains. And it's a story that has to go in a circle and come back to where it begins in that way. But it's still a pretty fun story. And it had the arrow sub in it, which if you don't know what an arrow sub is, look it up.
It's phenomenal. They're real. Just one last question here for you, Matthew. We obviously big fans, you're writing. So we spent the whole time talking about your craft.
But I do want to know what you're driving over there in L.A. I am driving a Mercedes Benz C63 AMG, which if you're a if you're a car fan, it's the car that Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear said that some mad German decided to put a six litre V8 into a mid-sized car. It's you like your cars, boys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you driving? Me?
Well, obviously, you know, it's a bit different when you're in charge of original newspaper. You know, you have to kind of live within your means. So I'm in a I'm in a 2010 VE Commodore with stretch timing chains and two blown O2 sensors at the moment. And you know, the SSU might be a might be your car. Well, until, you know, the ATO classifies that as a farm implement. And maybe, you know, I can't can't really justify that much of an asset write off at this stage.
But where is your good tax planning? Where's your your back to the future car? Is it still in Australia?
The DeLorean Clancy. Yeah, it. Yeah, no, I am under a top somewhere, you know. Yeah, well, it's my my buddy in Canberra is tooling around Canberra in my DeLorean. I've seen it. Bless him just to just just to keep it running, you know, keep the engine running. I had the D in Australia for what, 10 years. So I had it converted to right hand drive. Right. And it took so long. I'll be damned if I was going to convert it back to left hand drive when I moved every year. So I'm happy. My buddy keeps it running.
We actually spoke to a car modification company who may want to put an electric engine in it, which I think is a great idea because beautiful car, but it's not the fastest car in the world. No, and just just one last question for our readers.
What have you got in the bag in the back of the Benz? You know, what are you gaming with now in terms of your golf?
Oh, dear. This is an admission. I have the PXGs. Right. Yeah. OK.
They are Parsons clubs. Yeah, they really are the DeLorean of golf clubs, aren't they? That's a really good way of putting it. They are the DeLorean of golf clubs. And I must say, I got them in 2016 and I haven't felt like buying new irons ever since then. They are. They're the best irons I've ever hit.
Yeah. You know me well. And I ride and I golf. Yeah.
And what are you playing off? Yeah, that was my next question over there. My handicap is three point seven right now. That's pretty tidy. What's the slope rating of the club that you're playing it over there?
Is it? I think it's about one thirty three. Jesus. Yeah. It's a bit hard. You know, I I get it.
You know, whenever I get this question, especially in front of the live audience, I get in trouble because somebody usually in the front row says, stop playing golf and finish the last Jack West book. And I try I try to tell them that the golf is good for mental health. You know, I literally sit in a room by myself for long, long hours at a time. So it's it's it's good for me to get out in the sun and socialize with human beings. Well, fast cars, long hours playing golf and action books. It's I think everyone would aspire to a life like that in Los Angeles. I reckon you'd be really good to play golf with if you're playing that fast to real fast.
There's nothing worse. There's there's there's nothing worse than slow golf.
Yeah, I agree. I agree. Thanks for joining us today, Matthew.
We look forward to the new book and we look forward to. It's a good one in the near future. Seeing Los Angeles bring these these books to life on the screen.
Guys, thank you so much for having me. No worries. Thanks, man. Bye. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_miss_teen_usa_resigns_surprise_ozempic_babies_snl | A new plant has opened in Iceland, which is designed to remove climate pollution from the atmosphere using the world's largest vacuum. Aw, a new vacuum, just in time for Mother's Day.
I don't know how I thought you'd like that. it was announced that actor Andy Serkis will star in and direct a new Lord of the Rings movie focusing on Gollum. and unfortunately, his Challenger-style relationship with Frodo and Sam. This year's most popular baby names for boys were Liam and Noah. Great. another generation of pussies. a growing number of women who use weight loss drugs are reporting surprise pregnancies, which are being called Ozimpic Babies. And I believe Ozimpic Babies was also the theme of the Met Gala. My critics said the dress Kim Kardashian wore to the Met Gala had such a tight waist that it seemed like it was crushing her organs, but I already watched her organs get crushed by Ray J. I don't think that's going to make the show. I think it did. I think someone screamed. a dog was rescued after it fell off a 50-foot cliff into a quarry. next time, said Kristi Noem. a worker on a cruise ship heading to Alaska was arrested for attacking three passengers with scissors. he was eventually subdued by a passenger with rock. This year marks the first time since 2009 that a Marvel movie has not kicked off the summer movie season, which better be a one-time thing because a lot of people rely on Marvel movies to pay for the ferries they bought. the Wnba will soon allow teams traveling for away games to fly on private charter planes, which previously only happened after they were released from Russian prison. this might be my favorite show. On Wednesday, the reigning Miss Teen Usa announced that she was giving up her title. Man, this week keeps getting worse and worse for Drake. |
cracked | 7_jurassic_world_zoo_management_myths_busted_new_guy_weekly | Hi YouTube, this is Alex with a well-managed We already took down Jurassic World for its movie making on our site and on our channel But I'm taking my internet five panel hat off and putting on my zoological park pith helmet because for years I worked as a zoo tour guide and what zoo I can't say But I can say in my expert opinion that this movie is packed with all seven myths about zoo Management that Hollywood's been propagating for years.
Let's bust them Any real zoo or animal park would have clearly marked bathrooms at least every 150 feet get it together Hollywood any real zoo or animal park is working to conserve sharks not feed them to an apex predator get it together Hollywood any real zoo or animal park does not have a gene splicing laboratory With those kind of workstations much more desk space get it together Hollywood any real zoo or animal park knows you can mess with t-rex DNA all you want or tiger DNA all you want You just don't mess with wombat any real zoo or animal park actually does stop to think that they should I mean unless unless they're in a hurry with their wombat tiger hybrid which it which is a smart animal that uh finds away you know but um it finds a way any real zoo or animal park knows that a stripy rat-faced Hellbeast burrowing under the snack bar and then bursting up through the floor like a Bugs Bunny Terminator was preventable is is uh uh is preventable in this in this fictional universe because we know not to mess with with DNA a real zoo knows that but I guess the North Chicago Zoo isn't a real zoo those kids got whisked to death any real zoo or animal park has vests with more pockets thanks for watching science is evil that's the point of the movies thank you for watching I want to thank Karen Jones for this t-shirt she goes by Callie in the crack forums and does a lot there to help the site go and she knits wonderful scarves as well you can get those at etsy.com slash shop slash air dance artistry and I'm told this is true if you use promo code Alex Schmidt my name promo code Alex Schmidt Callie will give you 20 percent off a scarf so how about that also I'll be back Saturday with another episode in the meantime you can see my worst episode idea I have ever had at my blog oh my god waytoolong.tumblr.com uh if you want to see me be real dumb |
TheOnion | Year_In_Review_Renewable_Energy_Source_Encoded_In_Charlie_Sheen_s_Rants | Well, there's no question about the biggest science story of the year. This March, cryptographers discovered a formula for a renewable, sustainable energy source encoded within the rants of Charlie Sheen. Major media outlets around the nation clearly suspected something deeply important was at the heart of the Two and a Half Men stars' seemingly incoherent ramblings, which is why they chose to replay them constantly for weeks on end. We now know the reason Charlie Sheen booked every talk show that would have him and launched a nationwide speaking tour was not a sickening, desperate need for attention. It was because he had a message he needed the world to understand. It appears the serial wife beating was not part of any code. That was just because he's an asshole. And months later, the same scientists discovered the ramblings of Gary Busey contained the recipe for a new form of toaster strudel. There will be no food fights, no water fights, no dog fights, although there will be surprises. |
cracked | week_in_douchebaggery_google_gene_simmons_j_lo | It's Friday, February 22, 2008, and this is the news on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I want to sex you up. Let me freak you out. In our top story today, Jennifer Lopez finally has a great pair to go with that ass.
In last night's CNN-sponsored debates, Hillary Clinton called Barack Obama's not quite plagiarized speech from earlier in the week, Change You Can Xerox. Obama responded that Hillary has, quote, a face you can quease an art.
No one knew what that was supposed to mean. Was it sexual, funny, or insulting? Our own opinion here at the news on Cracked is that this isn't a black and white issue. Oh, wait. Oh, crap, it's Friday. You know what that means.
They've begun testing their Google Health Initiative, which stores Patient Histories forever. They've added a new button to their site, I'm Feeling Sickly. I should note that I pressed that button many times this morning around 7.38 a.m. when I realized that I'm Feeling Sickly was the best Google Health joke I could come up with.
Douchebag number three, Starbucks. The company is eliminating 600 jobs they announced yesterday. Fortunately, all 600 of those workers will be able to find new jobs at the Starbucks across the street from the one they already work at.
Douchebag number two, Michael Moore. The documentarian joked earlier this week that just-resigned Cuban President Fidel Castro should be his date to the Oscars this year. People just look at yourself. You could never score a sex pot like Castro, and you'd probably eat him. I know I would. And finally, prime douchebag number one, assuming one is actually a prime number, which may be debatable.
Gene Simmons. He's the star of a new sex tape that leaked onto the internet this week, and our apologies for using Gene Simmons' sex and leak in the same sentence.
I always was told that masturbation would make me go blind. That's a lie. This tape. This tape will make you go blind. Trust me, I've watched it many, many times. And I am losing my sight. And I'm chafing. That's it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Check back Monday when I'll be wearing a snorg tee. Or not. |
ClickHole | couples_describe_their_relationships_before_and_after_marriage | What we were like before getting married. There's definitely a difference before and after. I used to just have access to my elbows, but now I have access to all of his elbows, in addition to the elbows I already had, I've basically doubled my elbows. Back when we were dating, we used to break into museums to climb inside priceless Egyptian sarcophagi. Yeah, and now we mostly just stay home and hide behind cardboard cutouts of NBA players.
When you're dating, you close all eight doors to the bathroom when you pee. I mean, after you've been married a few years, you might as well open the eight doors and invite a priest in to bless your urine before you flush it. Goodbye, privacy.
I'll admit, it's a little intense when the wedding ring first goes on your finger. We can't take the rings off because the metal gets too hot when you try to remove them, and we couldn't be happier. Moving in together after marriage is a major adjustment.
I used to live by myself with 19 cardboard cutouts of Patrick Ewing. Now suddenly there's a woman in my house and she has 15 Scottie Pippins.
There's no need to dress up anymore now that we're married. At home, sometimes we wear nothing but a single locust perched on our foreheads. I actually love how comfortable it is to just drench my hair in orange juice in case the locust gets thirsty and not worry about trying to look hot or impress someone.
We lived together in an abandoned salt mine for years while we were dating, so it's almost like we were already married. After we got married, we lit a candle in the darkness and saw each other for the first time, but not much else has changed.
Married sex. Well, it's a bit different. When you're dating, sex is still mysterious. Every time I saw his penis, I would furrow my brow in confusion and say, aha, a riddle. Sometimes we start having sex, but we do it by banging our foreheads together because we didn't know what each other wanted. While we were having sex, I would repeatedly point at my penis and explain, that is my penis, and she would repeatedly point at her vagina and say, that is my vagina. When you've been married for a while, there's no need to point anymore because you basically know the gist of what's down there.
But at the end of the day, you don't need to have good, fun sex to be happy. You just want someone who will stand on the table with a rolling pin so they can crush a rat that learned to walk on the ceiling.
The secret is that marriage is actually really, really great. I'm married right now, and so is he, and you are too. Everyone is married to everyone, and that's just the way it is.
And if you're lucky, you might even get a big, fantastic divorce. I can't wait for my big, fantastic divorce.
Me neither. |
TheOnion | is_the_government_spying_on_schizophrenics_enough | Moving on, there are over 1.5 million diagnosed paranoid schizophrenics living in America today. Should our health care system be doing more to make sure they are safe to themselves and others by watching over them 24 hours a day? Yes, we need to monitor these people to make sure they're safe. Hide cameras everywhere they go, in the street, in their homes, in the eyes of people at the convenience stores where they shop. Cameras aren't really enough though. I read in a medical journal recently that a number of doctors have already begun to place microscopic tracking devices under the skin of schizophrenics, which is a great way to make sure that they don't get lost.
And there's an article said here recently that most of them have had no problem with that, and it's a very non-invasive procedure and has proven to work very well so far. Painless.
Schizophrenics often respond well to pleasant memories from their past, and one technique which might give them a little bit of relief is if we have their caregivers' faces surgically reconstructed, so they look like the schizophrenic's dead relatives. Now, some say that we should offer verbal encouragement by implanting speakers in their ears, which would whisper kind words to them 24 hours a day. Couldn't agree more. I think what would be great would be a recorded voice on a loop saying, everyone around you wants to get you, in reference to help.
Of course, we can't have just one voice. We need to have more than one voice because then they know it's a team effort. That's right. They feel supported by the community, and that's what we really should be going for. But we have to do more than just calm them. We have to give them practical advice, too.
If I tell them which bus drivers hate them, which manholes are covering up underground government prisons, which statues don't love them anymore, that sort of thing. This kind of technology would be expensive. Some people have said to slip it into their minds subconsciously, perhaps through coded anagrams, that let's say we would hide or encrypt into books.
Definitely.
They'll think that they're just reading standard literature, but actually it will be encoded instructions from people who want to help them. In newspapers or inside the tattoos of people on the street? Just the ingredients on a box of cereal, anything that they might read.
And this is an area where I think that we could really get some help from the government. We could be using the stealth planes and helicopters to be tracking the paranoid schizophrenics as they're going through their daily lives. We already have the ability to make everything that's the color red signal data and images back to the government's underground bunkers, and we should be using this technology to help these people. |
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